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Wizards_with_Guns | tv_shows_where_the_detective_has_a_cool_gimmick_ | What do we got here male early 30s blunt force trauma no witnesses Even worse we can't find the murder weapon. That's because you're not looking close enough. Who's this guy? Hernandez meet sherbert locksmith. He's our new genius detective. Oh, yeah What does he see that we don't the murder weapon? The killer used this magnifying glass to bludgeon the victim.
Whoa Trauma patterns are a perfect match. How did you keep up detectives more importantly keep it down. I'm working His powers of observation are so strong you can project his consciousness into a psychological space Where he drowns out the noise and sees the details beneath the details He calls it The brain zone All right, let's take this from the top. Who are you? Brian Corrigan, what is a software engineer doing in a place like this? perhaps hiding No, you weren't hiding you were hiding something. Ah a Vice he said he would quit didn't want anyone to see didn't want someone in particular to see And more importantly when That's the key time is opportunity. Wait Is that the goo guy from sky high? Did you find something please don't interrupt my process? Focus sherbert, let's try this again What makes a murderer means motive opportunity the goo guy from sky high? What no Focus the devil's in the details the angle of the body the pattern of the blood pool Damn it. What is going on? The hell is he doing just trust the process the man's a genius Wait, do you think that guy did it who that guy right there? He's definitely the murderer. Oh Yeah Yeah, it's this guy right here, you know, I did it exactly And you're the goo guy what from sky high?
Haha, no really. Yeah, that's not me. No, but you're an actor you played this guy guy in goo Hi, no, did you just see that movie? I mean I played Hamlet in high school. Aha. That's nothing I solved the case.
You pissed your pants. I pissed my pants get off the body.
Oh shit What the hell is he doing? What the hell? He's the details beneath the details he calls it the brains |
cracked | 4_things_die_hard_movies_need_more_than_bruce_willis_obsessive_pop_culture_disorder | I am Daniel O'Brien, hello internet, and welcome to another episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Resort, the only show that has my stupid face talking too much about pop culture. We don't question why Superman can fly. John Quinceanis believed that there were mole people wanting to trade with them. Who's a winner of Oz? An old shut-in with a projector? Not the only. One of the only. I always said that. Doesn't matter. Today's topic is... Now I'm no die-hard expert.
I've written about the films quite a bit. I've seen every one of them multiple times.
My entire professional career is built on my understanding of the franchise, and many people have called me a die-hard expert. Die-hard expert. Does that make me an expert? On die-hard?
I mean, yeah, probably. Probably.
Anyway, I know enough to be able to spot the difference between a die-hard and a not die-hard. Four and five, baby, were not die-hards. Die-hard five was a hairy, trainwreck nightmare of a movie, and die-hard four, while fun, was not a die-hard.
Need a hug? I'm not a hug in family.
Damn straight. Those movies fell short, and after watching them, it would be reasonable to conclude that we would never see another good die-hard again. Until Roland Emmerich's White House Down rose from the ashes of a good day to die-hard and died. Hard. It's a good day. Before I explain why White House Down is a die-hard, we need to understand what makes a great die-hard film. The best die-hards, by which I mean one and three, have some very clear bullet points that must be hit. For starters, our protagonist's personal life needs to be shitty in some way. In Die-Hard, a perfect movie, Maclean is out of his element.
He's in a different state. His family is slipping away from him. His wife's going by her maiden name. He's not a presence for his kids. He is a down-on-his-luck, fish-out-of-water hero.
In Die-Hard 3, the second best die-hard movie, he is a drunk, suspended cop whose wife full-on left him. Die-Hard 2, meanwhile, has a Maclean who's Maclean and well-dressed and on good terms with his family. And the movie suffered for it. That's why Die-Hard 2, Die-Harder, was the weakest of the original trilogy. By 4 and 5, he had some minor bullshit to deal with with his kids, but mostly he was a super cop on top of his shit. That's why those movies mostly sucked.
With a few minor, cool exceptions. Our hero also needs to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. He doesn't go looking for trouble. He stumbles into it, off guard and unawares, and then he just makes the best of a bad situation.
The best die-hard took place in a confined location. One hero. One set of bad guys. One building. No way out. When one dies hard, the consistency of location is important, because that's what makes our die-hard protagonist one man against a tiny army. Our only hope. The reality of that is broken if Maclean is just out in the world where realistically he'd be assisted by other cops or actual armies. Once you get out of one cramped location, you're no longer telling a story about a bunch of terrorists and the one man who could stop them.
And that, hardly, is die-hard. And finally, black people. Don't balk at this. We're going to talk about this. We're all adults here, except for some of my viewers who are children.
Frankly, shouldn't be fucking watching this. Shit. Farts.
The best die-hard has two funny black sidekicks. The second best die-hard has one funny black sidekick. Die-hard 2, die-harder, had a little bit of Allen and die-hard 4 and 5.
No black people at all. The worst die-hard movies have the fewest black people.
I don't know what it means. I'm not trying to make a statement or say something about society or the world.
I'm just stating facts. There's a direct relationship between how many black people hang around the protagonist and how great the die-hard movie is. Fact. As long as there are no rebuttals, and we're all on the same page about what makes a good die-hard movie, let's see how White House Down stacks up. That's right.
The episode is just starting. I'm sorry that I didn't make it to your talent show. I really wished I was there. I'm not.
You've got a protagonist with a crappy job. Even the President of the United States is disappointed in him. Don't go in there. Just... This is so stupid.
A routine vengeance for the White House that suddenly gets interrupted when a menacing gang of terrorists round up a bunch of hostages and do a bunch of mayhem while our hero floats under the radar. Did somebody say die-hard? What White House Down did, the die-hards four and five and to some extent two didn't do, was give us a hero who wasn't super-cub.
He was just a guy doing his best. He's not that clever. He's not that special. He chance-tates like you, like me. Just an average guy.
You ever been rock climbing? What we climbing is?
Unless you got a better idea, yeah. The entirety of White House Down is confined to the White House, which is perfect for a die-hard and a sequel. The die-hard franchise thought that bigger was better, so they grew their playing field with each successive die-hard film. What they should have been thinking was that higher is better. High as in high stakes. Because the one building that we're dealing with happens to be the place where the President sleeps, the stakes are immediately higher. Everything is more dire and more harder. White House Down manages to keep everything in one location like a good die-hard film should and it manages to raise the stakes like a good sequel should. White House Down even manages to echo the original die-hard by making one of the hostages a relative of the protagonist.
As if it wasn't bad enough protecting the President and avoiding terrorists, one of the hostages is Chan McTay's own daughter, just like Holly. HOLLY!
Freeze! Shut up! No! Don't shoot him!
Finally, the President in White House Down is Jamie Foxx, who is black. You might not think this is a huge difference, but if the President that Tatum was protecting was white, the movie would have been a piece of shit. The United States of America doesn't negotiate with terrorists.
Also, hey, dear movie with a stupid name. Your name's stupid. Love, Daniel. This... Olympus has fallen? Just call your movie what it is. Guy U and Pacific Rim. It's like you were named by a bunch of English majors in a Robert Frost class. They... They suck. They're bad names. Pacific Rim.
Just... Call fucking... Look out, there's monsters, but oh, don't worry because we built some giant fuck-off robots that are gonna... It's fine. Everything's fine. You didn't mention robots or monsters anywhere in your type. Don't... Bear the lead.
HOLLY!
White House Down hits all of the hallmarks of a good die-hard movie, with the added bonus of including a hacking scene that is as ridiculous and out of touch as the one from the original die-hard. It's like I'm in the past all over again. Hey, speaking of time, I'm gonna make this episode even longer. No? Oh, we had a time? I thought I had.
Okay. Well, that's enough for an episode. That's fine. Uh, thanks for sticking around. I'm Daniel O'Brien, and always will be. Tune in next time, when our topic will be... An episode of Game of Thrones I wrote, performed with action figures. That's... That is a 44-minute episode. Cool. Yes. Uh, hey, we're doing these again, um, I'm Soren, thank you for subscribing if you haven't subscribed already, although if you haven't, I can't possibly believe why not. We've done, like, a thousand of these things, and yet we still have to keep doing them.
I don't know what to give you. I don't know what you want.
Take anything. Take... Take my shirt. Take my shoes.
I don't... I don't care anymore.
All right? You... You wanted this? You got it! All right? Are we happy now? Can we all subscribe, please? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_149_Duncan_McNab | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooda Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooda Advocate radio show recording here in downtown Batooda with myself Clancy Overall, editor of The Batooda Advocate and of course Errol Parker, editor at large. How are you Errol? Very good Clancy.
How are you today? Good mate, good day.
During these now precedented times that we're in, we, Queensland has, how long has it been now? It's been months now since we've had an active case. I'd say going on years out in Batooda. Out in Batooda most definitely but in the city the mutant strain popped up.
One case in early January from obviously a hotel quarantine worker and that young woman was on the train to and from work every day. Thankfully it didn't spread anywhere else but you know there was a snap five day lockdown which Melbourne's just gone through recently and Perth has as well. Now we know a lot more about this virus than we did this time last year. We certainly, certainly know a lot more. Today's guest Duncan McNabb has just released a book called The Ruby Princess where he explores that moment in time when no one really knew anything about this virus but we knew it was very contagious.
We knew that it was time to actually stay at home. But it was the sequel to SARS, the original one, except it was here. Except it was here. And it was rolling people. Yeah and it wasn't just you know people in Hong Kong wearing masks, we all were.
But we knew at the time of The Ruby Princess how dangerous this thing was and we still managed to see a cruise ship full of people unloaded into the busiest, the biggest city in Australia with what we then found to be 900 active cases. At peak hour, right in the middle of Sydney's CBD, thank you very much.
Brilliant, you couldn't write it really could you? No. I did try.
So before we get in Duncan, what made you write this book and not turn it into a podcast series? I like writing books. It's a great privilege to write a book, great pleasure and you get very itchy feet after a while and I hadn't written a book for about 12 months so I was desperately looking for a project.
And Ruby Princess, I did the doco for Channel 7 about a part of the team that put that together and there were so many fast turnaround in television, if you turn around a doco in five days you're probably going to kill yourself, which we almost did. But there were so many questions that came out of it. What about the crew?
The crew was still at that stage on the high seas cruising around off Sydney wondering what the hell was going to happen to them. The passengers were getting sicker and sicker and sicker. People in North West Tasmania were finding their hospital was closing because of Ruby Princess problems. The whole thing was spiralling and the thing that really grabbed me is why the hell would anyone sail a boat on the 8th of March with the cascading disasters around the world? By that point we'd all seen late January, February, we'd seen the Diamond Princess, a great big white photo opportunity parked in Yokohama Harbour with problems left, right and centre. Across in the Atlantic, something I think may have it right, the Costa Luminosa, a ship was cruising along with Australians on board oddly enough, had been for a sort of whip around the Caribbean and was motoring across towards Europe. European doors were slamming, ports didn't want to see it. And back in San Francisco, the Grand Princess had gone off on a little whip down to Hawaii and by the stage the Ruby Princess left was doing circles off San Francisco with the local authorities saying, how the hell are we going to get all these people off the ship? Everyone is getting sick and for some reason the Ruby Princess left Sydney.
So not the best time to own stock in the Princess Corporation? I think there is a class action at the moment in the US about the investment possibilities of Carnival Cruises at or out about this time. Buyer Bermuda, of course. Yes, yes, where most good companies go to rest.
Can I ask a question, Dunga, before you wrote this, were you a cruise ship man yourself? No, no, I've spent most of my life on the road, I like planes. I did. A mate of mine coerced me a couple of years ago, he was turning 40 and I was still living in London and he said, I'll get a group of us and we'll go on board the Queen Mary or whatever it was, the one that runs across to New York. And I said, well, that's pretty cool, never been on a ship before. We hop on board, looking forward to seeing the Statue of Liberty on the other end seven days later, which by the way is really uninteresting.
Not as big as you imagine. No. Dawn, you're looking and thinking, well, that's all it is. Great. You're looking at the size of the Space Needle in Brisbane. Yeah.
Three days into the cruise from leaving Southampton is dramatic, boring as batshit. Three days into the cruise, I'm looking up a plane thinking, why aren't we on that? Or hunting for a U-boat or an iceberg or anything. No, I suppose cruising is a mindset for me, you know, it's always about when you get there and you get just get into the interesting parts of town.
As a kid, I went first trip to New York, stayed at the Algonquin Hotel because I've been reading Dorothy Parker, as you do. Got outside and the doorman said, whatever you do, do not turn right. That's Times Square. It is dangerous. And I thought, bugger that for a joke. So when he wasn't looking, I immediately scarped to the right and had a great time.
Yeah. Cruise people, I think they like the familiarity of it all. It's like the parents used to always go to the same holiday house every year because we know it. Yeah. So it's good on them. They like that sort of thing. I'd rather go to the first red light district. I can find and work from there. Yeah. Right. Do you know a lot about the types of people who jump on cruise ships in the middle of pandemics just because they love them that much? Yeah.
I think a lot of them were just generally driven by. There are a couple of motivators. I thought one, they booked the cruise and the cruise lines were saying, it's all cool.
Don't worry about it. And at one point, yeah, it's all cool. Don't worry about it. And by the way, there are no refunds. So there's that little kick over and we know what we're doing. It's reassuring. You've cruised with us before. It'll be all right. State-of-the-art advice from the CDC in Atlanta, blah, blah, blah.
It wasn't. Yeah. That's the problem. So they've gone there with the greatest of hopes and it's all gone to hell fairly fast. And coming out of a bushfire summer too, you know, like just three, four months earlier that circular key was almost like, you know, you couldn't see through the air. So there was that feeling last year in Australia that we, you know, we, it'd be good to... Phew, it's over. Yeah. It'd be good to see, you know, the crisp waters of New Zealand, but that was one thing that not many people really understood with the Ruby Princess early days was the fact that it only went to New Zealand and back. Yeah.
It was, it had been doing these short cruises. It had come actually on a roundabout bushfire, when the bushfire season started in November 2019, Ruby Princess was fairly new on the run. So there's a bit of excitement about this big, glamorous cruise ship as well. And it was just doing the little sort of two lacrosse, Milford Sound, blah, blah, blah, up the top and back. Fast, easy, comfortable people who wanted to see New Zealand.
So the first confirmed case in Australia was on the 25th of January last year. I think so, yeah. Was, and the day the Ruby Princess left the 8th of March, Australia suffered its third death from COVID-19.
Do you think that people were taking it seriously back then? I mean, like, what do you think the mindset of these people who were hopping on this boat was? So in their minds, it was one, this is what we always do.
So it's, it's a familiar territory. And what's happening overseas, what we're seeing with, you know, the first sprinkling of cases, it's only minor, don't worry about it. We've all been through the SARS, well, the demographic has certainly been through the SARS pandemic. I suspect some of them might have been through the flu pandemic of 1919. It's a very old group of people, they're reassured. So, and they're also looking at what's happening in the Northern hemisphere, but it hasn't come here. And I suppose a lot of us have grown up with that notion, too, of when you arrive back in Australia, the first thing you do is sprayed by somebody. So there's that great sense of security here.
Turns out it was wrong in this case. So if there was just a handful of cases in the country at the time, how did the virus get on the ship in the first place? That's a question no one can quite answer.
I'd take a punt and say it's come on with a crew member or someone from the prior crews who's come in because Australia, Sydney's such a big draw card. I spoke to lots of people, for example, who've come in from Florida, that sort of older cruising set from California, they've flown here. So they might have boarded in with them. But there's also a lot of crew change rounds as well. So it may have been a crew change in Sydney, completely innocent. The question we did ask when I was putting the Dokka together was, was there any evidence that a crew member from the Diamond Princess had landed in Sydney and come on board? And that was a definitive no. But as things started to come really unplugged, it was highly likely that a crew member working in the galley was responsible for the threat, crew member or crew members. And that's where other viruses, you know, the norovirus, which has disastrous effects but nothing deadly, always starts in the galley and it moves swiftly throughout the ship, everyone dining in the same place, touching the same bits and pieces. So I reckon it's the highest probability is a crew member has been responsible for the spread anyway.
Now, you're particularly good at tracking down, you know, the logistics and, you know, the communication, you know, channels and breakdowns that happen. And you've written a few books before. I don't want to delve into too much of the, you know, the almost slapstick, Brad Hazzard, New South Wales health kind of failings in this book because they make for a great read. But you are an ex-policeman.
And at what point did you start becoming a writer? We always kept the journal on you? No, I actually started writing actually in the late 80s, just doing some columns and all that sort of stuff in newspapers, always like writing. I think I did my first book in 2005. I just like, I enjoy the process of writing.
God, that sounds terrible, doesn't it? But sitting down, every morning when you sit down at your laptop to knock something out, you go on an adventure, particularly handy if you're writing during a pandemic because it's bugger all you can do. Yeah.
So it's that adventure, which I thoroughly enjoy, whether it be writing for this or for TV or whatever it happens to be, it's all the same process. And the link, the important thing in writing and also investigating is chronologies. And that's why I like to dig into when things started happening and legal defense is exactly the same thing. Always work out where you started, where you ended and just document every bit on the way through. And that way you find out what really happened. You get that lovely moment of clarity. You think, shit, that's exactly why this happened. And you can see the cascade of problems as you bring the sort of disparate parts into one line.
So as a policeman, where was your beat? Where was your station? Most of my dubious career was at the CIB in Sydney, which was the criminal investigation branch, which is very serious.
Based at the old Remington Centre overlooking Hyde Park, but most of my work in those days was done pretty much around Kings Cross, back in the really bad old days. Well, the Kings Cross is coming back now. They've rolled back those nasty lockout laws. So I guess, do you think the cross is going to come back to how it was? I don't want it to go back to what it was in the 80s and 90s.
To what occupied your time? Yeah, yeah.
Look, to be honest, when I was a kid in the 80s working up there, it wasn't, heroin was just arriving, it was brand spanking new. And it wasn't, it was reasonably well controlled. Yeah, there was a lot of addiction, but a lot of crooks, creams, colourful people, artists, socialites, good restaurants, blah, blah, blah. It was an interesting place and not dangerous. Late 80s, early 90s, a place turned to crap and it became just, I mean, living up there for many, many years. In the morning, when you went out to get into your car, the first thing you did was walk around to make sure some poor bastard had an overdose and wasn't under the back wheels. That's how bloody bad it was. So if it comes back, I'd like it to go back to what it was in part, get the theatres going, get the old Minerva up and running again, bars, restaurants, but don't crush the colourful people that are there as well. I mean, I remember my uncle used to live up there and he's reasonably well to do.
But beside him, there are a couple of sex workers living.
There was a drag went across the road. You'd walk into the pub and there's this great sweep of people, criminal records, colourful, entertaining, dodgy, all down in one square kilometre. And that's what made it so bloody exciting. This incredible range of people. I'd like to see a lot of that come back minus the heroin.
Yeah. Now, in your writing, you're able to buck the trend of what a lot of people envision a police officer. You know, a lot of people think cops are square and don't really understand. You know, what you just explained there is basically looking at these colourful identities as interesting.
With this book, The Ruby Princess, you may have made a few enemies, particularly within the New South Wales government. But you've written books where you definitely have made enemies, some that you might even worry about, would you say?
I mean, Roger Rogerson, you wrote about that. He did offer to kill me at one point, but we caught up a couple of about two years ago in prison. When I wrote my first book about Roger, which is sort of he wasn't very happy about, I received a phone call, which was somewhat one sided and I wrote the second book and he wasn't deeply happy about that either. But he rang me about two years ago.
And can you come out for a chat, mate? So we had a chat and wander in.
And so he's in Long Bay. He's in Long Bay in the age and frail department. And he sort of shuffles out. And he's the walk you got to see to believe.
It's like a crab with a broken leg. But he's got terrible injuries. Everything's worn out, but still bright, sharp, wanders up, shakes hands.
And he said, oh, my, don't worry about this death threat.
Yeah, I'm just let's have just have a chat, mate. And we had we've I've seen him twice. We've had great conversations. Wouldn't believe a word he told me, but great conversations.
Do you find when you look back at that era of the New South Wales police and you know, maybe you you saw some of these guys in action in some capacity, but at the very top with someone like Rogerson, was there an element of them being almost worse than the worst on the street? Yep, absolutely. Very controlling, I suppose. It's weird, it's a strange thing. The only people that ever worried me when I was writing was actually members of the New South Wales police like Rogerson. I mean, I've written about bike gangs and all that sort of stuff. And apart from a bit of bluster, they actually seem to like the notoriety. The coppers don't. And people like Rogerson are incredibly dangerous.
And even back in the cops in those days, if you're going to buck the trend a bit, what would worry you was being arrested by them. You know, opening your locker in the morning and seeing a bag of heroin sitting in it, followed by a fan on your shoulder saying, Gotcha. Yeah, usually with an expletive added to that or being loaded up for some other crime. These guys played brutal games and they had a lot of mates behind them, whereas Krim's were, you know, Krim's I've always found really quite like publicity. And a couple of and it literally is no exaggeration. A couple of times you'll get some bloke that you haven't heard of in years.
Oh, I think I've got a book and I'd really like you to tell my story. And some of them are intriguing. But does anyone really want to read it? But, you know, we got to have lunch with them in a chat. Some could make a good podcast. Yeah, some middling old gangster stories. Kind of good, I guess. One of them are rather notable bloke rang me once and we were just chatting about it.
He'd just been in Blue Murder, the ABC series. And I said, mate, how did you go? You know, you're portrayed as a rapist, a murderer, an assailant, an arboroper, a drug dealer.
And he said, oh, mate, no, no, no. But they had some some bastard played me in tracksuit pants. And, you know, I would never leave the house in tracksuit pants.
Now, in terms of making a few enemies in the police force, you did write a book about kind of one of Sydney's darker kind of moments in history, which which really wasn't ever told. And no one really wants to believe it was something that Sydney was known for until your book came along. And it was about the Sydney gang murders down there in the eastern suburbs and northern beaches, I guess.
Yeah. But like, yeah, this this coastal kind of thing that happened throughout what was it, 80s, 90s? Yeah, sort of started in the light. It's mainly a sort of mid mid 80s, early to mid 80s thing. Well, maybe as far as 1990 or so.
I was just I think it was a unique confluence of circumstances. We had AIDS had just come up and was devastating a community. We had the grim reaper advertisements, which I don't think anyone ever saw them will ever forget. We had a police force that was substantially not terribly interested in gay hate crimes. I mean, in fact, in some instances were perpetuating them, not the murders, but certainly bashings were very commonplace. We had that sort of decades of institutionalized dislike for the gay community in New South Wales policing. And some practitioners were still kicking it on. And others were actually enlightened. But so was that mixed bag. And we had a couple of parliamentarians popping up under privilege and giving us lists of gay men they believe were pedophiles without one scaric of evidence other than their sexuality. So you had this furor happening.
And in the middle of that, there were youth gangs. I mean, we've always had youth gangs and youth gangs tend to look for vulnerable targets in the gay community. It was a perfectly vulnerable target.
So how many people do you think, you know, on those clips and parks of eastern Sydney were killed? It's guesstimate, certainly up in 20s or 30s, at least. The problem with some of them, some of them were passed off as they were, I think the figure that the pundits have is around. But there are potentially 88. I think that's the big figure.
It's hard to tell because some of them were passed off by the coppers as suicides. Others were passed off as misadventure. A bloke called John Russell ended up flat in his back on a rock underneath Marks Park with someone else's hair in his hand. And the original decision was that was just an accident. Bullshit. And the notable case that I suppose most of us have heard of lately is the Scott Johnson 1988. Scott Johnson's found at the bottom of North Head, originally passed off as a suicide.
Family battled for years. The media actually got on board as well, reinvestigated finally. And a couple of years ago, the coroner decided it was in fact a murder and only passed out with delight around about this time last year when someone was actually arrested and is now before the courts allegedly for this killing battle for 10 years to actually try and get that sorted out.
So how would you even start an investigation that's that cold? Where do you start?
Go back to basics, I suppose. Again, back to the chronology.
What you can prove, what you can't prove in the case of Scott Johnson. My view is always that the investigation was flawed because they didn't look at it as a criminal. And for my money and no matter what, you'll always look at it as the worst and then try and bring it forward. So they went there and I think of the investigation was inadequate.
And then shortly afterwards, Scott's partner popped up and said, oh, he might have tried to commit suicide once or thought about suicide and coppers that will congratulations game set and match it's over. And for about 25 years, that's how it sat. But it doesn't until you actually push it, you realise it happened in a place that was very problematic. So assume that he was murdered and if it wasn't, we'll work from there.
And these things, it's always back to the absolute basics. Go through the cases, pull all the evidence together that you can and see where the mistakes happen. Sometimes investigations are pristine. They're absolutely spot on from start to finish. But sometimes they're not. And you look for the holes, what they should have done, what they shouldn't have done.
Did one a couple of years ago for TV, the Wanda Beach murders. And they happened in 1965. Four years later, a bug pops up as a red hot suspect. The coppers take statements from the witnesses.
The guy is looking very promising. Everything fits quite nicely.
They finally go to interview him nine months after they've got the information. By that stage, he's run off to the US and is and is up in a murder spree over there. And the coppers just stamp suspended on the file. He's out of our jurisdiction. It took them nine months to go and talk to this bloke who was living in right.
Really? And just think there's one you missed. So, you know, sometimes they do great stuff. Sometimes it's not.
And years later, and it's where the gay hate crimes, I think, is so important to keep talking about it is because people get to middle age and these blokes committed their crimes when they're 17, 18 or whatever it is. They're now hitting middle age. Maybe they started to think about something. Where do these blokes end up?
Like, I mean, for example, you look at these beach suburbs where it may have where a lot of these crimes happened. And, you know, there's people who have survived these kind of attacks who say it was just a bunch of local kids. Yep. So and I know, like, you know, a lot of these kind of beach towns aren't as rough as they used to be, but a lot of them would still be living in that community.
Have you come into any contact with any of these, you know, Bondi boys? There are a couple of the Bondi blokes I know are still about.
And I think they still make excellent suspects. The coppers did something quite intriguing, always fascinates me about how these things years later when they started investigating all these crimes, a bloke called Steve Page, a copper who did a remarkable job, looked at all the cases, put them together and thought, we have a problem. And he did a terrific job on it. He decided it was appropriate to go out one day and actually throw someone off a cliff, a dummy, of course, I hasten to add. And he went out there to do that, not because he wanted to see the trajectory, which is always important. Can the crime have happened in the way it's supposed to have happened? That's always important. But what he really wanted to do is make sure that they had electronic surveillance on all the suspects.
So when they reenacted it, it wasn't so much to see where the landing would happen, was to see if there were any phone calls. Yeah. And that's where, unfortunately, the phone calls ran hot, but they didn't talk about the murder. They talked about a couple of other crimes, which some of them were subsequently arrested for. Luck of the draw. Yeah, right. Why do you think that was? These kids were able to run around like that underneath the nose of the coppers.
Was it the footy club? Was it the with a with a surf club?
How mixed bag of kids around the bond over and operating around Mark's Park. You had some of the local boys hang around the beach and all that sort of routine old enough. They get out of the pub, fairly ordinary sort of human beings, but they gather together. There's, you know, most Australian beaches of any size have got pockets of kids that you probably give a wide berth to.
This would be those. Some of the groups came from the housing estate around Redfern Waterloo. Easy drive across one of them. Actually, he didn't start going to bond until he got his L plates. So that's how this worked. But I think in the back of their minds, what they had a rough idea is that there were people there, people they could attack who wouldn't talk. And part of the lottery was that they also had some pockets of the New South Wales police force that weren't that exuberant in how they investigated crimes as one of the one of these most notables.
For that sad group was Ross Warren. We remember Ross because he was a really good looking young bloke. He was on TV. So you immediately got the the photo drives the story sometimes. And the investigation into Ross's disappearance was utterly abysmal.
Talked up, you know, we've got the helicopters out. We got the police launch, blah, blah, blah. All the optics.
Yeah. And none of them turned up. And the coroner gave the officer in charge a fairly decent hiding. Years later in a coronial inquest. Well deserved. Yeah.
And and you in your time as a policeman realized you were probably going to get more done writing about this than these kind of blokes would have. Yeah, but I suppose back in the day, I had an epiphany one morning at Internal Affairs where I was seconded to. And when Rogerson, when Mick Drury was a copper that was shot, Drury's getting well, then he wasn't getting well. And he's declining rapidly.
So they get a magistrate in to go and take a dying deposition from him. Pretty powerful in law. You think that you're about to die. So it's presumed that what you're about to say is fairly truthful. So Mick Drury does this dying deposition. And in it, there is, I think, from every one sentence that says and you know, the bloke, the bloke probably responsible for my my shooting was Roger Rogerson. Dying deposition comes into Internal Affairs.
We're having a cup of coffee, having a bit of a natter. The boss throws it on the table. We all read it and think, Jesus wept. And then the boss looks and says, oh, now it could be Roger. He's too good a bloke.
At which point I thought, maybe it's time to escalate my departure plans. Yeah. So what was the transition like from police life going back into being a private citizen? Um, relatively straightforward. I departed in a huff. So it was reasonably easy. I was quite happy to leave. It was interesting. A couple of years doing criminal defense stuff, which was good fun. Yeah. And then sort of segue slowly into the media. And here we are. Do you have a reputation now where for a number of things?
Well, you know, say someone like Brad Hazard, who you see the Wales Health Minister, finds out Duncan's sniffing around that they might tighten up things a bit. No, I think in the Ruby Princess case, the media were treated pretty much the same across the board. Communications in the outset were crappy. I suppose to give them their duty, health dropped the ball incredibly badly. But the last cup, you know, what happened afterwards? So if there was a lesson to be learned, they certainly picked it up. And this handling in the state's been exemplary. But those first couple of days, yeah, look, the health minister wouldn't have been happy. But, you know, if you want to be in public life, you've got to take a couple of knocks occasionally. What what about I mean, Ruby Princess cops it.
But it would have only been a couple of weeks earlier. They had the Mardi Gras in Sydney. You're right. March, the first week of March. Yeah, first week of March. In that week, things changed, didn't it? It was the world was changed. The momentum was happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In that week. Well, I mean, it was almost a worldwide six week lockdown, except for you, your Bella Rushes and a couple of them.
Yeah, they weren't that fascinated. It's actually a really good point. We I don't think by that early part of March, we quite grasped the problem was coming our way. And that's in part why I mean, health had workshopped at some length what they would do and human error stuffed it up. And the cascade of communications problems, they picked it up very quickly, thank God, and did a perler of a job afterwards. But yeah, it was we were sort of in that rosy, very Australian period. It's on the other side of the world will be OK. It won't be coming to us. And yet it did. Was there much passing the buck? Yeah, very early days. It's a typical politics and public life.
It's sort of a question of, no, he did it. No, she did blah, blah, blah.
And they're all pointing their hand and fingers at each other, hoping to minimize the blame. I think the most interesting moment for me and the the blame game. I mean, Peter Dutton was an obvious target, a popular target. I think it was March the 25th and the ship was flying everywhere and blame was being trying to be a portion everywhere. The head of the Michael Outram, the head of the border force, and popped up one morning, did a press conference and said, congratulations.
This is what happens when a ship arrives. Bang, three green lights. This is really good. This is actually smart. Three green lights have to go off before we can let anyone off a boat. And congratulations.
The ones that shouldn't have gone green is their problem. New South Wales health, particularly. So the boat comes back on the 19th of March. The government knows that there are people on that boat who have, you know, an upper respiratory disease, spicy, spicy flu. Yeah, they come in to dock. A few decisions are made and all of a sudden thousands of people are pushed out. Yeah, into circular care.
I think they had a they had a sort of risk management system. If you get above a certain number, it becomes goes from low risk to medium risk. When the ship had come back in on the 8th of March, it was at medium risk. And health had done a great job when it came back in on the 19th of March. They're not bleed up to it. It was decided it was low risk because of the figures coming out of the ship primarily. But what they'd omitted to do was to upgrade the figures. So by the time it docked, it should have been medium risk.
It should have, you know, lights and buzzes should have gone off. But it was this confluence of human error. The ship hadn't updated with New South Wales health. The growing number of problems. New South Wales health hadn't asked them. You'd think, you know, we haven't heard. Can we just do a quick touch up before we open the doors? That didn't happen either.
And this is where this cascade starts. Then to build on that problem, which is striking, the swabs from these couple of the sick people that are treated go off to the lab and they don't turn up that day. They turn up the next day. So by that stage, we've had the grand dispersal that 600 odd people to the international term alone. So it's it's flying by that stage. So it's this cab's train.
Yeah.
One one poor side who ended up terribly, terribly sick talks about getting off the boat. They're all huddling like sheep off at New City. I think some of the television crews caught it so beautifully. Everyone's sort of cheek to cheek, blah, blah, blah. Getting off the boat, no masks inside. Heard it off like sheep, one bloke said. And one family hop on board on board a bus to take them back home. Little tour bus full of people coughing and sputtering. One bloke ends up terribly unwell.
I think he's one of the leaders in the class action at the moment. So it's just it was just a human error followed by a confluence of stuff ups. All the great like most things, all the great planning went to hell the moment the first shot was fired.
Yeah. And what is there? What much weight to the conspiracies that we're getting around about, you know, MPs with relatives on board. And, you know, the Hillsong Church conspiracy was a good one. I love that. But that came out really quickly, actually.
Yeah, I'm old fashioned. I fuck up before conspiracy. And I just don't want shred of evidence.
I remember we chased the Hillsong conspiracy briefly when we were doing the doco and I thought, this is really great. Not being a fan of Hillsong helped.
And there was just nothing to it. You know, a certain minister, he's got his family on board. It's just rubbish.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, it does around. And the great thing about social media these days is it moves faster than it used to. Yeah.
And the problem is with this government, when there's smoke, there's fire quite often. Federally, you know, the Hawaii holiday was a rumor until it wasn't.
Yeah, that was a good one. Yeah. Yes. You push the rumor until the tickets arrive. You think, gotcha. Yeah. But I think you've got to go down that little bit extra to make sure you can actually prove it. Yeah. And that's what's going to be interesting over the next few weeks with this Parliament House incident that's, you know, that's just come out. Exactly.
They're going to be digging. They're going to be digging and there's going to be rumors and there's going to be truths about who knew what.
And having done a few of these over the years, both defending and prosecuting them, these are the most complex, sensitive things to do. It's that it really is problematic. And no one seems to win at the end, even if it's it's there's a dreadful things to do, especially the victims. Yeah, the victims go through absolute hell and we have a far more far better system. When I was a copper victim just got absolute hell, sometimes by the coppers, although often dealt with sensitively and carefully, but get to court was open slather. And I mean, let's bash the victim up in the witness box.
And that's just not on over the course of your investigation into this. Did anything really, truly shock you? I mean, if there's one thing that we do see from pretty much all state governments around the country is, is that there's always some instance of just gross incompetence and just the scale and the volume of the fuck ups is just never ending. Was there anything you came across that truly shocked you? No, there wasn't one grand moment.
I was. Hmm. The New South Wales end was just a very simple error compounded, compounded and compounded. I don't what struck me, I suppose the most significant thing that struck me is just why the hell this thing left on the 8th of March. What in what planet do you think that's a good idea? And the background of cruise lines. The other thing that struck me was actually the sheer misery of the poor bastards left on board cruising off for five weeks off New South Wales. Yeah. And that's a part that I thought was incredibly important.
These poor buggers spend their life below waterline, trying to keep the people above waterline happy. And for five weeks, they're stuck. They're not knowing where they're going to end up.
Yeah. And for the weeks after that happened, up to one in five people on that boat probably had it. And it wasn't and it wasn't until early on into the Port Kimbler episode that someone decided it was appropriate to close the galleys down because that's where the problem might be. Yeah. I mean, just Port Kimbler.
And then what then they said, thank you. When they when they left, thank you for having us. We didn't even know you were there.
Yeah, there's a rumor. And again, a rumor I can't posit this.
There was as she sailed out, there's a gigantic banner. Thank you, Illawarra. And no one was prepared to fess up to where that came from.
I was just curious. Good bit of PR. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, for when the when the cruise ships are back on in 2029. I'm getting a lot of I'm getting a lot of social media plugs for cruise ships at the moment. It's quite unusual. The algorithm's gone a bit astray. Yeah, I can get some great deals. Well, I've seen what you've been Googling for the last year. Well, you've been writing this book. You're finding out the finding out the background.
I'm looking forward to the eight, eight, eight day old. I think the last one this morning was eight days on Norwegian cruises.
An absolute snap in 2021. Not a snowflakes charts in hell.
And I've seen the ads on on TV for those for the river cruises in Germany for 2023. Kill me now. Could you imagine being trapped on the Rhine with a group of geriatrics all grumbling? I think jelly in the lungs. Yeah, I actually had dinner with them and I was dragged into a dinner party in London once. And there was a couple on it talking about how they love the cruises. And I'm thinking I'd rather stick a knife in my eyes.
Yeah, well, that's what a lot of the Ruby Princess passengers will be saying moving forward as well, I imagine. Yes, there'll be a lot more that'll trade that up for the Indian Pacific. Yeah, yes. The race to the buffet may be suspended. Well, thank you for joining us, Duncan. What a what a yarn. I mean, you've written plenty over the years, but this one's particularly exciting. This is the Ruby Princess.
It's out March 2021. It's out now.
Gentlemen, thank you. Thanks for having us. |
TheOnion | Owner_s_Box_Ben_Roethlisberger_Struggling_With_New_City_Ordinance_That_Allows_Food_Trucks_On_Field | Owner's Box, brought to you by Lenovo. You need a computer to play fantasy football, might as well be this one. Feel the comfort of a warm cloth draped around your neck.
I'm Barry Bigwell, and you're inside the Owner's Box for this week's Quarterback Report. Bigwell harsh truth.
It's time to drop Ben Roethlisberger after a new Pittsburgh City ordinance started allowing food trucks on the sidelines. With the promise of organic BLTs and Mongolian barbecue at every corner, Big Ben's fantasy numbers have tanked. Take week four. Roethlisberger used all the Steelers' timeouts to pile his plate with second and third helpings from Song's Korean taco truck while he spent the entire fourth quarter continuously spiking the ball so he could line up to taste Maggie's mac and cheese cup with rare thinly sliced Italian capicola on top. I said it when the ordinance passed a few weeks ago, and I'm saying it again. The ever-present smell of hot cooking oils and foreign spices is way too much for Big Ben to overcome, and it's only going to get worse with Marie's lasagna sandwich food truck making its debut this Sunday. The only way the Steelers can turn this development into a positive is if they put Marie's in the end zone, so Big Ben will move toward it with purpose.
Until then, keep this hungry hero on the bench. Later, I'll tell you how not to get so caught up in fantasy football you forget to feed your reptiles. |
Wizards_with_Guns | this_wizard_found_a_gun_ | Indeed! Now tell me boys, would you like to see a little magic? Heck yeah! Would you like to see a flash of fire faster than the speed of sound itself? Boy would we! That would be so cool!
Was that a god? What about another spell? One that can deafen even the most keen of hearing! Um- AH! AH! Ooh, ooh, magic! Ooh, did you see that?
Okay, so you're definitely just shooting a gun. Why don't I show you a spell that can end a life in the flick of a finger? No, no, no, no, no! We just wanted to see some, like, real magic! Yeah, you're just using a gun!
OHHH! Okay! What would you like some real magic then? Well, let me think. Okay, what about the power to bend one's very will! Yeah? The ability to make your enemies grovel at your feet! Yeah?
To make them give you their wallet. Uh, what? Uh, give me your fucking wallets. You little twinks. Uh, you want our wallets? Are you robbing us? Yeah, no, give me your wallets, I'm dead serious.
Oh, oh, oh my god, okay, um, I have- Wait!
This is Magius! He's one of the honorable wizards. He would never break the code. He can't hurt us. A true wizard- Oh, Mitchell! Oh, he did it!
From peasants to kings, I've slaughtered them all! I've killed like a thousand people! I'm an immortal wizard!
And you're just a little piggy. Squeal for me, piggy. Squeal!
Good. Now hand over the bacon. Good! Now it's your turn! Come on, go on, hand it over.
Now, what? Honestly, are you serious? Did you not see what I just did? No! The audacity! Do you see that?
That's your fault. You did that.
That's what happens when you say no to a wizard! I can summon a better wizard than you. I choose Blorpheus the Brown to vanquish you in battle. I am Blorpheus the Brown, delver of the deep magics, protector of the ruby throne, traveler of the ethereal- Oh shit, is that a gun?
Oh shit, I'm just a tweeze fan! Here, take my wallet! I think there's a gift card to Chili's in there! Oh shit! Nice! Come on! I love Chili's!
Are you serious? Wait, are you a wizard? Are you a wizard? Yeah, but I'm not bulletproof!
Oh, what's that smell? Oh! Ha!
They don't call him Blorpheus the Brown for nothing! You know what? Let's try something! Name one thing! One thing more powerful than a wizard with a gun! Uh, is that rhetorical or do you want me to- No, no, no, I'm serious! Actually think of it! Go ahead, I'll wait!
I'm like a trillion years old! Uh, okay, I could probably take a- Oh, I wish you would! Ooh, it would make my millennia! If you would open up your stupid little mouth and let a few cosmically idiotic words just fart right out!
Please! No, no, no, I'm begging you! Mwah! Oh! What's this?
That wasn't so hard now, was it? At long last! The ritual is complete! I'll finally have the world's largest wallet collection! I'm gonna call the guys over at the Guinness Book of World Records right now! Ah!
Second gun! What do you think, a wizard wouldn't have two guns?
This was fun! You! That's right, you little twinks! Tis I!
Did you see yourself in the mirror? I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror seeing the word twink at top volume.
I can't drink, Frank. Just drink off the...
Don't, I'll do it myself. You're hurting yourself.
Ooh, that's good! Now say Zephyrhills! Zephyrhills?
That's what happens when you say no to a wizard! Bitch! |
dropout | hardly_working_my_two_true_loves | And you never see Wilson's mouth.
What? No! No way!
No, I'm telling you. I'm telling you, man.
Wow. Batman, what's the matter? That was a stupendous factoid. Oh, I know it was. I'm just kind of on the count down and down. Really? What's wrong, man? You can tell us. Yeah.
I go through life alone. No one to hold my hand.
When I show off my Kindle in a Starbucks, the ladies don't give a damn. I'm not much of a believer in fate and destiny.
But I know that somewhere out there are two girls for me. My two true loves. My two and only. Two nude souls beneath the covers. Ain't enough. I need another. My two true loves. My two and only.
Together we will be just you and me and her. There'll be two in a million, one in 500,000 if you prefer. I'll give 100% of myself to she, the other 100% to her. You plus me equals us, plus her equals even more fun. But the three of us have more math to do. 69 plus one. I'll only have eyes for both of them.
Whisper sweet nothings in my ear. And I'll pass them along to the other girl if she didn't already hear.
True eternal romance lives for moments like this. So pure, sweet and innocent. Now you two kiss.
My two true loves. My two and only. Every soul has just two mates. One to hump and one to masturbate. My two true loves. My two and only. There'll be nothing we can't do. Just me and you and her. I wish that there were two of me. So I can watch myself **** both of you. My two true love. My two and only.
My love will have no rules. Except no other dues.
She'll fill both holes in my soul. Filling them back is my goal. An eternal bond of trust. Just the two of us and her.
What are you guys doing here? What the **** is wrong with you? |
cracked | signs_review_aka_rain_rain_swing_away | Welcome to Cracked Movie Club, the show where we do a book club, but for movies, which are like books, but better. I'm your host, Jordan Breeding, and I'm joined by only one co-host, because again, nobody cares about this podcast but me, Jesse. Say hello, Jesse. Yeah, hi. I barely care about this podcast.
I'm just going to be doing other stuff. I've got a different book club that I'm a part of, and I'm going to be reading while we're recording this. A book club that's about books, which are like movies, but worse.
Yeah, exactly. Sorry. I've... Yeah, I can hear you. You're freaking watching it on your phone like 30 seconds behind. All right.
So here's what we're going to do. One of the things, if you're new to this podcast, is that if you have an observation or a question or an alternate movie title, please feel free to throw it up in the chat. Just scream it in your office. Just yell it as loud as you can to whoever's around. Brian's trolling through, and we'll star some of them, and at the end, we will potentially go through some of them and talk about them. We'll come up with alternate titles and all that stuff. But in the meantime, this brings us to a thing that we had to talk about offline because we got excited.
This is all on me. Here's the deal. Here's the deal, nerds.
Some of you can and have donated money, which is awesome. It's very, very cool. It's very, very exciting. It makes me feel proud to be an American or something, capitalism.
Two weeks ago or something, people gave money, and so we watched Demolition Man, or Demolition Man, The Demolition Man, Demolition Man, and then last week, a bunch of you were giving money for us to watch and to not watch a Serbian film. When we got offline, we had a discussion about it, and Jesse obviously wussed out because Jesse. I don't like scary movies. Jesse's a scaredy boy, but really, what it came down to was realizing pretty quickly, regardless of whether it's a Serbian film or Demolition Man or something that we were already going to watch, I don't think we want the podcast to just become ... We watch whatever movie goes to the highest bidder or whatever because ...
Yeah. Know your role, audience. Know your role because, A, we actually ...
Jesse and I don't make any more or less money depending ... People have said, oh, it's a beer on me, and they give us euros. We're supposed to spend that somewhere, but also, it doesn't go to me. All it does, if you are interested in those things, is it potentially makes the show more viable so we get to keep doing it, and my boss doesn't yell at me quite as much, or I get five euros closer to hitting my financial goals for the quarter or whatever, but it's a lot less sexy than Jordan's like, oh, thank God, somebody gave me five dollars. I'm going to go get a Bud Light. I just want to put that out there. We really appreciate it.
That said, I watched 40 minutes of a Serbian film, and then I turned it off because I did not enjoy a second of it. This is from Jason Himmler, who recommended it and gave a very generous amount of money for me to watch it, and so here are my thoughts. I wrote down some thoughts.
I get that it's technically parroting politically correct Serbian art films for being boring, but it doesn't really mean anything to me. I'm not Serbian. I don't watch a lot of Serbian art films, so that didn't ...
The fact that people are literally ... It's all about ... It's basically ... Okay, here's how I've described it.
It feels a little bit like the Chad of movies, where it's like your middle school friend in the locker room is just trying to gross you out, just trying to think of the edgiest, dirtiest things, and inevitably, that means sex. It means violent sex, and it means sex with people that shouldn't be having sex, like infant children. I don't think it's that cool or that shocking or that impressive, I mean, maybe that they found some funding at all to raise the money to make something horrific for some reason, but it's not that impressive to dream that up to me, and it's not even really that artistic to be like, ooh, I thought of the grossest thing ever, and then I filmed it.
I actually think that movies tend to do better when they ... And I say this as somebody who loves violent movies and crazy movies and horror movies and stuff like that. I usually tend to like it better if ... I think that one of the great things about film is that you can actually hide things or not show everything and let the tension of a thing sort of play out in your mind or in your emotions, and you can pick and choose your moments, and you can basically hold something back every once in a while, and it actually is more effective than just being like, look, I'm having sex with an eye socket. That's just not ... Jordan just learned about similes and metaphors pretty recently, so he's like pretty hung up on that stuff. Yeah, I'm very excited about that. I'm one of those people that actually thinks ... So when The Hayes Code came out, I think it was actually really interesting because it forced movie writers to get clever, right? That's where you get a lot of noir innuendo and the comedies were a lot more ... I'm not saying that movies should really be restricted like that. I think working within restrictions is actually a good thing.
Get out of here with giving me money to watch some psychedelic Japanese horror. Fine, maybe. It'll go on the list, but I've not beholden to anything. Leave me alone.
I watched as much of a Serbian film as I could, and it was gross, and I didn't like it. That's all I'm going to say on it, because what we really watched this week ...
Okay, great. So Brian thinks it's good. Brian made me watch Titan.
I don't trust you either.
The Haunting of Hill House, I have not seen the movie, but I have seen the show, and it frickin' rules, as does Bligh Manor, as does Midnight Mass, as does basically everything that Mike Flanagan touches. So here, we're at Signs. Somebody mentions that Signs Symmetography is some of the best I've ever seen, and I actually agree. I think this movie does a really good job of what I'm talking about. It is an anti-Serbian film in the sense that it's, I think, very effective in the way that it chooses to show some things, chooses not to show some things, picks its moments.
Jesse, recap it. How about that? Recap Signs. Okay, so- You haven't seen it. It's the 20-year anniversary of it, so that's a reason to do it with other things.
Good point. Yeah. All right, so let's see. We got a small-town priest, right? Is that what he is? A priest? I'm not sure if that's- Yes. Yeah. Great.
Small-time priest. Presumably Catholic or Anglican or some kind of high church version. Mm-hmm.
I knew that. I just want our audience to know. I know.
You're the Christian guy. You know all the things. Yeah. So this guy's got it all.
He's living a perfect life until the second he meets a little bit of adversity, when M. Night Shyamalan kills his wife, he immediately turns his back on God. But it turns out that God was just trying to help him kill aliens. So once he realizes that God is just very anti-immigrant, all is forgiven, he's back on his God shit, and he goes about and continues to have a happy life.
That is a perfect summation of this film. And the reason that we're watching it, other than it being the 20-year anniversary, is I don't know. We were just talking about- Jesse, you mentioned it. Why did you want to watch it? Well, yeah.
I was trying to put myself in my own shoes 20 years ago, and I remember really enjoying this one in the theaters. I think I saw it like two or three times in theaters, for whatever reason. And I generally don't like scary movies. I think it was the same year The Ring came out, and I remember watching that and doing the- Oh, I was on a date. I was on a date in middle school, and at the scary parts, I would put my hat down like this, so it wouldn't look like I was looking away. But for some reason, science is like the right type and right amount of scary for me.
Yeah. I mean, from the beginning, the music, the ambiance during the title sequence is purposefully horrific and stinging and eerie and creepy and stuff. Yeah. So they use a lot of horror crutches, but even besides that, it makes you think. There's a lot of cool commentary.
It's also just a really funny movie. I forgot that it's actually pretty funny. It is, and it's funny too.
I did not see it in theaters because obviously, I'm significantly younger than you are many, many years. No, I was- Obviously. When I came out, I think I was 11, 10 or 11 or something.
And one of the interesting things about this movie is that in the first year or something, it made like $34 million on DVD rentals, which is over $50 million today and today money, is probably over $75 million in the past three weeks or whatever with all the inflation. But we rented it and we rented it multiple times because my whole family, to your point, even my sisters who are younger than me, we were watching it like crazy because we thought it was great.
But I did enjoy revisiting it 20 years later because I don't know whatever I liked as a kid. Obviously, we watched old not that long ago and I was like, damn, maybe I'm wrong. I tend to feel like I'm an M Night apologist, but I didn't love glass and I friggin' did not love old. And I was like, maybe it's falling apart. But I didn't.
Do you think it's that by now, by the time old came out, he's been doing the same tricks over and over again and with signs it was fresh. But by now it's like, whatever, man. I think it's interesting you bring that up because I actually wrote this down where a lot of the actual camera moves feel very similar to old. He loves having his camera on a tripod and slowly turning it as opposed to he doesn't do a lot of cuts. And on old, those annoying as hell.
I don't know. Just something about it. Just like I think it's because they had 38 characters and it's like this friggin' beach. And the other thing, too, that I noticed is early in the movie, Mel Gibson is almost distractingly not emoting. You know? Yes. It's weirdly subdued.
But what it does is that by the end of the movie, obviously when he cracks like that scene, Jason, all right, I'm just going to Jason is the one that forced us to do this. He gives he gives us money and I really appreciate it, even though again, it doesn't really affect me or help me in any significant way. But I do appreciate you caring and giving you a new experience although I hated every second of it. Seeing money happen does give me a boost of dopamine.
So so don't stop. Never stop.
But like the Mel Gibson Mel Gibson scene where they're at the dinner table and his son says that he hates him and he's like, fine, I'm going to eat all your food. I like I felt that. Also, it's probably important to note. Mel Gibson has since revealed he's not the best guy in a lot of senses.
I don't I don't fully. I haven't kept up with all the bad things he's done or said, but I so caveat. I don't know where.
Yeah, well, we're mentioning that Mel Gibson is like kind of a monster. It's very funny that this character is like allergic to cursing at all. And it's also like this, like Godlike supportive parent because of that infamous phone call where he just like cursed out his daughter in all sorts of horrible ways. Yeah, just very funny that this is the opposite. Yeah. And he's crazy. He does like insane stunts that are not kind and all that stuff. But it's an anti-semite. Well, he at least is when he's yelling at people.
I don't know. It's one of those things. It's people are so shitty when they're mad. It's hard to tell if they're just trying to get your whatever, like to because the it's like it's like with swearing. I think when you swear a lot, it's sort of like you hit your cap too early when you're yelling at somebody and you have to resort to more and more horrible things to like, you know, you're like, I am mad. Like, I really need to convince you. And I can't just be just drop and drop an F bombs. You know, I got to say slurs.
I got to I got to I got to tell you that I'm going to do things to you that you would only find in Serbian films. You know, stuff like that. Yeah.
Here is an M. Night M. Night Shyamalan apologist. He's just a straight up Mel Gibson apologist. Yeah, I love that dude. But all I was going to say, all that to say is a pretty good actor. I get why he's like still working now, even though a lot of people are like, I don't want to see anything with Mel Gibson, but he I was really impressed with the way that they did that.
Like he seems like he's not emoting and maybe sucks at acting. And you're like, well, his wife just died. I think he sort of hollowed out. He gave up on his freaking faith. And then he kind of learns to feel again.
Like it's it's pretty great. I don't know. I just it's a it's a pretty impressive thing.
Yeah, the way that I think whatever M. Night Shyamalan is doing with his like with like filming his actors in signs that came off like holy shit. These kids are creepy. Mel Gibson is weird.
He's got this like glassy exterior, but you know, there's a lot going on inside. Right. Joaquin Phoenix is like he's kind of a clown inside and out. But even he had some like really surprisingly dramatic moments in old. It seems like he was doing similar things. And it just came off as like these actors don't even know what direction the cameras in, you know, like lost all the soul that that, you know, whichever Kolk in this one was had Rory. Yeah. And that's the other thing, too, about old that I mentioned. It's like it shouldn't matter that English isn't the first language of some characters, but it's sort of dependent all on the French woman. Just it just never felt it always felt there's some weird like play level distance, some kind of like it just felt very staged and odd. And in this, somebody mentioned earlier, the cinematography, they do such cool stuff with like really deep shots where they've got, you know, one that just springs to mind is Joaquin Phoenix is watching TV or no, he's not.
He's reading a pamphlet about joining the army because he thinks he's a loser piece of shit.
And then the kids are in the background doing the dishes, which, you know, is probably in a traditional family is more of a mom thing after dinner or at least a parent thing. It's not usually a like seven and five year old thing.
And then Mel Gibson, who has just encountered an alien, comes in from the frame and sits down and slowly they all kind of notice him and come to him. But the camera never moves. And they do a lot of just just really well staged, really cool.
Emotional, even even for jokes like when Mel Gibson is talking to Joaquin Phoenix, he's like, I think I think of night Shyamalan called me, I'm going to go to his house and he opens the closet. He grabs his coat and he's leaving and he's talking this whole time to Joaquin Phoenix, who you assume is behind him in the living room. And then as he leaves, Joaquin Phoenix sticks his head out the door from the closet and is like, oh, yeah, that's that sounds good or whatever.
It's just. It's great.
I just think it's it's so thoughtful, I guess, in a way that a Serbian film is not Jason. Yeah, I feel like you will. Well, how many movies had M. Night Shyamalan done to this point? This might be his third.
This this is because I don't think anybody started to think the magic was running out until the village. That's that's when it started. People started to go, wait a minute. Yeah, the village and then Lady in the Water. People were like, and then the happening. Everybody's like, no, I'm done.
Then Airbender and Last After Earth. And then he kind of won it back with The Visit and Split. And now he's kind of and he's made so many movies now. It's like. He's he's. You know, I think the general consensus is like, dude, is really good at some things are really bad at other things. And he doesn't seem to have a great sense of what those things are and keeps just sort of who knows? Yeah. Anyway, but yeah, so third.
So he'd made six cents, which is one of the highest, like the most amount of money that was ever paid by a studio for an original script. Oh, like they just read it were like, this story rips. It's going to be a great movie. And then it was.
And then he did Unbreakable. Have you ever seen Unbreakable? I said, no, I never watched it.
That one is also, I think, just amazing. Bruce Willis, rest the piece, just killing it with Sam Jack and then this movie. Very early. It really felt like in this movie, he was still fighting for like to to create a legacy. Whereas in his later garbage movies, he's just like, yeah, I'm the night Shyamalan. I like do a cameo in a car and I do. I have a little twist and then everybody goes home and has fun. But here he's like really trying to like make like make a name for himself, it felt like. Yeah, I I agree because I you know, it's so I think there are definitely things that we can point out that are goofy in the script like you already did.
The like the the faith, the idea that God would kill your wife and make your daughter and make your son have asthma and make your daughter weird about water solely to kill aliens later is a very kind of like when you sit down, you're like. That would make my faith worse. If God is like, you know, like if God is destroying my family rather than the aliens, you know what I mean? Right, destroying my family rather than the aliens or rather than even just like write a message like in the shower fog on the mirror or something, it's just like aliens don't like water. You know, it also it also reveals like aliens are outside of God's control, but he can like see them. He knows that they're on their way and they're going to try and destroy the world.
But he can't intervene if he seems unable to intervene except through, you know, cryptic murders. And it's like I I don't think that he tried to think about it. I mean, I think you just you back all the way up and you say, well, it's faith. And he's trying not to intervene too much, because if he if he writes it in the fog, then like, a, that's a boring movie.
And B, you know, that destroys the concept of faith like it's written out for you and whatever, whatever. Faith requires some like some some stepping out onto the the bridge and Last Crusade, the Indiana Jones movie, which he cheats by throwing dirt on it. So Indiana Jones is going straight to hell.
But so that's a little goofy, the idea that they would attack this planet and not realize that water is like a real bad problem. And even if it is a big deal and they didn't know about it, you know, like put on like a shirt or something, you know what I mean? Like, it's yeah, they think it's the hardest thing to avoid. And so, yeah, they could breathe our air, but they couldn't touch like, you know, or whatever. 80 percent of the surface of our planet. That's a little goofy. It is similar to War of the Worlds, where it's like, oh, you guys didn't realize we get sick all the time.
Dude, I had that written down as like at one point Joaquin Phoenix says it's like War of the Worlds. Like, that's like if Sonic turned to camera and was like, it's like Sonic the Hedgehog, the video game. So, yeah, dude, we know what this is. Well, I think, OK, so to his credit in that moment, I actually think this movie does a really good job of setting everything up that happens before it happens. So I think that actually was literally just foreshadowing the ending, potentially.
Like what's what defeats them is not who has the biggest, bestest nuke. It's it's like a weird facet of not weird, but like a natural facet of Earth that they like hadn't considered.
But a couple of other ones that I really liked were so the dog gets hurt. No, the dog is going crazy at the beginning.
Yeah. And and they're like, take it to doctor, whatever. And they're like, he's not a he's not a vet. But then you you realize that in Night Shyamalan's characters of that. So, oh, yeah, right.
So he didn't. Oh, so he didn't want the kids to go see and I come on.
Right. He would rather take the dog to a human doctor, even though that might not work, because the vet happens to be the guy that killed his wife. So funny. He's like, I got it. I got it.
I got a beef with the vet. Take it to the mechanic. Well, it's more than a beef, but, you know, yeah, the mechanic.
Little things like that. Obviously, all the water stuff, the breathing stuff. There was like, yeah, the water stuff was cool, like the foreshadowing. Like there was the little girls watching an episode of Dexter's Lab, where like Dexter gets like dunked in water and stuff. I don't think that had any direct correlation to like how to use the water. But yeah, a little nostalgic, a brief romp.
Yeah, yeah. And I don't know what's going on in these comments. But Jason Himmler yelling, murder is OK. So it sounds like it's going great. Um, uh, what was I going to say?
Yeah, I just I think it to me felt like I felt sometimes in movies you can feel I mean, the worst example is probably TV shows. So I don't know if you know this. Have you ever watched any Westworld by any chance? Yeah, first couple of seasons. Yeah.
OK, so in the first season, they actually had to stop halfway through and all the writers come together and say, so what the hell is happening? Because nobody they had set up all these mysteries, but they didn't bother to solve them. And so they sort of realized, oh, my God, we need to do that because at some point, you know, the show needs to end or like be going somewhere.
And I think what I really appreciate about this movie is that he knew the end. He knew everybody's everything. And so that kind of stuff gets fed in the background that you don't really realize until later even matters. Just. I don't know, just all the little things like, again, the vet and everything else just just makes it really cool. I just felt like he was very much in control of what he was doing. And again, like all these shots that were intentionally landing somewhere or doing something or showing something really interesting, even if they're just setting up effective scare moments, like I don't know if you notice, but when the when the kid gets grabbed in the basement, that hand is in there, the whole shot.
Yes, I went back and yeah, rewound that. He's like it's like camouflaged because that's what the alien superpowers, like a little bit of camouflage, but yeah, it's there. That was the other thing is on the radio, they're saying the aliens left. They left so fast, they actually left some of their wounded. And then the guy upstairs is the is the alien that he cut the fingers off.
Yeah, yeah. And so it's like.
It's just just little things, I guess, I don't know, it just it's not like anybody could have written that, but for whatever reason, he actually bothered to. And I just thought it was clever enough that it's like everything is generally tied to itself. And I don't know. Yeah, I was very interesting.
Yeah, it's interesting that we when we when he finally faces off against an alien, it's an alien that somehow against all odds he has a history with, you know, for most of the movie, the aliens are just completely invisible or they're a rumor or whatever. And then he does have this brief encounter like when the it's a little dumb that the alien gets trapped in the pantry, but they also address that. They're like, oh, they have trouble at pantry doors. Well, but they but they even earlier in the movie in the book, they were like, hey, they're not very strong because they're so smart.
They know that's true. So I'm saying, man, it's it's like whether whether you think, you know, it's it's. At least it even if you think some of the things are dumb, like it's still a little bit dumb to make a movie about aliens too weak to get out of the pantry. But at least the movie told you it was going to do that.
It didn't just say, oh, my God, like he he broke down the door five minutes ago. But now we would need him to be weak. So he's locked in the pantry.
At least it's consistent, I guess, is my thing. It's I just appreciate that it. It knew what he was doing. I feel like M Night Shyamalan was in his phase of like when you're making internet content at the beginning, you're like, oh, I got to read all these comments. Oh, no, they're going to be mad about this. I got to make sure to preempt that. And and it does help. It does makes for, you know, an effective content creation process.
But after a few, you're like, I don't care. The comment is going to be mad. I'm not even going to bother patching these holes. Well, OK, so I think that's actually have you seen the visit by any chance? Nope.
Do you mind if I spoil it for you? Spoil it, man. OK, everyone, I'm about to spoil The Visit, which in a lot of ways is a good movie.
But ultimately, when you realize what the twist is, which is basically the whole movie feels like it's been said in this like 17th century Puritan thing. And then you realize we did see that actually. OK, right. Because you sort of forget about it. But you realize it's set.
Wait, am I saying the visit? I say the village, the village, the visit. But I think you're thinking of I mean, the village. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The visit is great. Go watch that as well. But the village, it's set during the modern day, whatever.
But what's weird about it is their whole thing is they made up these fake monsters to keep people in and they need to keep the ruse alive. But they need to get medicine to help some kid. So they send a blind girl into the woods and it's like. You know, all the elders both know that the monsters aren't real and are not blind. There's no reason they couldn't go, except that maybe there's something in the background of like, well, Jeff might get seduced again by the outside world, even though he's been very diligently staying here with fake monsters and shit. But it's just like that's one of those things where it's like it makes sense like she had to do because she was blind and she won't learn about the whatever. And you're like, yeah, but just send Jeff. It doesn't make any sense to send her. Whether you think it's safe or not, it's like don't send a blind woman into the woods, or she ran into issues, even if you didn't expect like the autistic guy to try and stab her.
You know, anyway, stuff like that. This one for me didn't have that. It's like the things that are goofy are things that still are inherent and make sense, I guess, like the God thing or the water thing. It's like, well, maybe you think the aliens are dumb, but the aliens could just be dumb. You know, it's not like they're having to defy just all logic whatsoever. They just maybe they didn't know about water out of it, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, you're right. He goes to enough lengths and maybe also maybe that the twist here were like the underlying like cool thing to the movie is worth it for some of like the light potholes where it's like. Yeah, if we in the village, like the twist is like, oh, you thought it was old times, but it's really modern times. You're just like, all right, OK. So many hoops to jump through for that twist. It is it is interesting, I think, but I don't think it it doesn't really recontextualize anything other than, oh, so if they all knew, why did they send a blind girl? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's all it does for me. And it's like, oh, that's compelling. Like that would be kind of cool. But it doesn't it doesn't necessarily change a lot about the way that the movie works. But yeah, anyway, I was going to say to your point earlier, like the movie is surprisingly funny, like where Mel Gibson is running around trying to say swears. Yeah, it's great. I'm like, I'm blind with rage. Yeah.
And Joaquin Phoenix's whole story about miracles, the reason he believes in miracles is because he almost kissed a girl that threw up in his mouth. Dude, so funny. He like he's doing it with the same gravitas as like Mel Gibson, like, you know, telling his kid that that his mom loved him or whatever. It's Joaquin Phoenix, like just this like washed up jock being like, I almost kissed puke. I saw God that night. Joaquin Phoenix is so freaking good. I mean, that's part of the thing is that Mel Gibson is apparently a great actor.
You know, I never really thought about it that hard. I never met the guy. I don't know about his politics.
But Joaquin Phoenix, everything he's in, he's amazing. And so but when I think of Joaquin Phoenix, I wouldn't think dumb jock like a dumb jock guy.
Yeah. And yet that's the whole thing is they made him a dumb jock that has this whole other layer of like, like he wants to be a serious, thoughtful guy. And he sort of gets there. But also he just is freaking idiot.
But like he loves Mel Gibson's character. He loves the kids. He knows they're going through a hard time. He's trying to help. He's thinking about joining the army.
Yeah, right. He like moved in with his brother after his brother's wife died. That's like a nice thing to do. Like he's he's just such a full character. Yeah, it's yeah, it's so good.
I just know what you know what struck me both like the some of the cinematography and some just like Joaquin Phoenix's character. It felt a lot like Napoleon Dynamite, like a lot of the stuff that's played for like comedic awkwardness in Napoleon Dynamite is done here for like this weird dramatic stuff, you know, like the times that it lingers on the kids just being extra weird. The fact like Joaquin Phoenix is basically Uncle Rico, like recounting is like his glory days.
Like, man, I bet I could throw that football over that mountain over there. Yeah, where the generals like he's like, yeah, I have all the baseball records and the other guys like, yeah, and the shitty ones. Yeah, I mean, that was funny. It's also like so absurd that this this like like decorated war veteran at the recruitment office would be like, oh, yeah, I remember you. And I remember specifically the high point of your life because it was also like the proudest moment this town has seen in decades. Like, that's such a goofy ass thing to happen. I guess, but it doesn't mean it critically, I guess.
But it's it added to the comedy of it. Yeah, for sure. Well, and like the comedy of, you know, you want to I assume this was written in. But like they stack all of those like bags of gravel or whatever on the vent to stop the thing. And then he grabs the can of like tomato juice and sticks that on top. Yes, that motion is was like a very Napoleon dynamite like thing to do. Yeah, so funny.
And this is I looked it up. This is two or three years before Napoleon dynamite. So I don't know if there's there's got to be some common ancestor that or some movie or some genre where like these movies are both borrowing from. But it struck me as so similar. Yeah, I don't know. It's just because that's the thing is there for a while. I really thought M. Night Shyamalan was a great, great writer because his first stuff I always thought was funny, I thought it was emotional, I thought he had a lot of themes. And then we've kind of gotten far enough along.
That's like and then sometimes he's just not like old is just not good. Like there's just a lot of things about it that really suck. And it's you know, some of the writing is like some of the jokes and it's just the weird things. But this one, yeah, it just felt really tight.
I will say that my hot take for this movie is that I actually think this is in my opinion, significantly better than nope with a lot of similar themes, a lot of similar, you know, I like nope, I thought it was really good. But rewatching this so close together, I was like.
I don't know, even like the scary animal stuff, like a four year old kid having to impale a dog on a skewer is yeah. And the fact they dredged up so much like dark, like gross emotion in me without even showing a kid murder a dog showing the aftermath of this completely calm Culkin having just stabbed a dog in the throat or whatever. Right. Like I don't want to see that. Like, I don't think I even need to see that. Like, I don't know that it would be more affecting to watch a kid stabbing a dog over and over with a with a barbecue thing like and again, that scene is preempted.
They're grilling and the kid is like, damn, it dad's going to burn the chicken again. So he's over there flipping it. So it's just like. Because, you know, you didn't want to he didn't want to make it like, oh, he had a switchblade because kids, you know, they always have.
It's like, well, and, you know, that is the theme of the movie, right? Like it's miracles and everything has a purpose. And I don't think he's a Christian. I don't know why he decided he cared about that for this movie. But I do think it's really interesting. And maybe it was just a good writing challenge to be like nothing can happen unless it's already been preempted. You got to wonder if like that's how they got Mel Gibson on board or maybe came up with this in conjunction with Mel. You think all these actors are just choosing solely based on personal beliefs? I really think that sometimes they just want to make movies. I guess so. But Mel Gibbs. I mean, when was Passion of the Christ? You know, like that's become Mel Gibson's like, you know, Maggie Lopez, I know, you know, it was he was after, but not significant. Three years later, I mean, yeah, but but he also has made just like do white dude in a Mexican prison shoots everyone like that doesn't mean. I think that's also what he's passionate about. Maybe. Maybe it is a reason that he did it. I don't know.
But well, you heard it here. You got the scoop here, folks. That's why Mel did it. You're going to be writing one of those those looper like signs ending explained. Yeah. Christian, which what he is in real life. Well, see, you'll see it here. We'll have that video very soon. Anyway, um, do you have any other? Yeah, let me see.
Oh, that's having that general say, why aren't you in the major leagues making boatloads of cash and having your toes licked by beautiful women? So funny. What the hell did that come from? So it's such a good comedic line. Those licked by beautiful women.
Well, because it's it's a it's a rule of threes. Why aren't you in the majors? Why aren't you making boatloads of cash? And the third thing that makes no sense.
Like, like that's just revealing something about you, dude. Yeah, yeah. If I made it, my toes would be getting licked.
Or like the the thing where he's like they're in the bookstore and he's like, it's a hoax, it's just to sell soda. I've seen 12 soda commercials and he's like 13.
Just great. Yeah. There's something something about this this community, this town also compared to say like Stranger Things or or A Quiet Place. Or like you get to know the town and the town's people and it's like small town America. Yeah.
But it always like in most movies that takes itself seriously, like all these people are like are all but saying, like, I'm a hard work and American man. And here it's like, yeah, I'm you know, I'm in the army and I love toe sucking. You got like the grungy metalhead, like also at the army recruitment office for some reason that day to sign up for army and like.
Andrew, sometimes, yes, a lot of times, no, we are really flying by the seat of her pants here. I apologize. And we have one pair of pants that the three of us share, too, which makes it hard to fly by. Yeah, it's the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, but in real life and it's only a movie podcast.
So, yes, when when I know I say it at the end, but I don't know 95 percent of the time we. I don't know, we don't know what we're doing. We're just still new to this.
How long has it been coming up on a year? Yeah, it's it's been a while.
But that's the thing, too, is I was just going to say just about that scene is you actually get to see the brother that they've been talking about this whole time that could maybe be an alien. And then they finally they keep being like, oh, it's Jeff's boy or whatever. They keep saying it's him and his goofy friends. You remember that? Like, they're always saying, yeah, then that's him right there. And not only is he not very intimidating, Joaquin Phoenix literally just bucks at him and he jumps and he jumps. Yeah, we think that that's the dude.
That's what everybody thinks is that Lionel Pritchard there. We talk about Lionel Pritchard and the Wilmington brothers. Such a good name for a local. More bandoogers. Yeah, anyway, so it's I just it's great. And to your point, it's almost like a Seinfeld or like a like an always sunny kind of style rivalry, like you always hear about Lionel Pritchard.
And he's just this little twerp long hair. Yeah, he's just like the one guy in the town that isn't attending church regularly.
Yeah, yeah. What I was going to say, though, is that the other like the. It it does such an effective job.
So when he goes to the pharmacy and the and the woman there is like, I need to confess all these swears, which is very funny in and of itself, because at first she's like, is douchebag a swear? Because if it is, I got to add like 90 more swears to my weekly swear total, because it's just funny to think that she says douchebag like incessantly and didn't realize if it was a swear or not. And also he's like, well, it depends. He's like, what about if Jeff is a douchebag?
He's like, that's yeah. But it's interesting both because it shows how scared she is because she's like, I think the world's ending. I need to get this off. Oh, yeah.
But also, it's such an interesting parallel to like what he's going through, that she's still like, I need your help guy whose wife was obliterated by a truck. You know, it's just interesting. It's kind of a small town preacher thing, I would think is like, you know, everybody's everything, no matter how freaking stupid it is and no matter what's going on with you. It just felt very realistic to me as like. You know, in a small town where presumably there's one church, there's a lot of emotional weight being thrown on the pastor, because also like there's probably not a counselor or like a therapist. And so he's still kind of forced into these roles. Everybody's calling him father. All that stuff. I just think it's really interesting. Yeah, I mean, I am curious if you have more insight on like this from the perspective of, you know, and ordained whatever you are, but like just somebody, you know, you've thought more about religion and spirituality than I have. I mean, the only major things are obviously when this movie came out, everybody at church was like freaking out because they were like, oh, my God, like it's so spiritual, it's crazy.
And because it is ultimately a pro God, you know, it doesn't get into the specifics of like the Holy Trinity and Jesus salvation or anything. But it does, you know, it is pretty pro like. Just generally they believing in God and whatever else. Yeah, I think it's pretty deliberately like, hey, don't lose the faith or it's kind of like if you lose the faith, don't worry about it because you're going to get it back. God always prevails. Yeah. And so people really liked it from that perspective.
I think the thing that I like about it, it's actually a little bit similar to Fleabag. Fleabag does this better. Have you seen Fleabag by any chance?
So in the second season, there's a hot preacher and I or hot priest. And I think that's literally his his character name is hot. I've heard about hot priest.
Yeah.
And the thing that I think is so good about that. I think Martin McDonough has or maybe it's his brother in this movie called Cavalry. And anyway, I think it's important if we're going to bother to show anybody of any faith in a movie. They should be struggling with it because I just don't think it's very realistic to show somebody who just always has it. You know, and I think that's the downfall of a lot of Christian movies is they're mostly all just like trying to convince other people of what they themselves are already completely convinced of. And nothing you can do will ever change my mind or anything like that. And I just I appreciate that this movie, he literally says that he hates God.
Right. Yeah. And then he comes back from it.
And I think that just shows like the just a lot more nuanced and and thoughtful approach to like none of us are able to perfectly adhere to all of our codes all the time anyway. And I don't know. So I really liked it from that perspective. I liked it a lot better than like if he had a cross in one hand and a shotgun in the other hand, he's like, God, you know, I'm Christ compels the power of Christ in Remington or whatever compels you. Yeah, like I would like to see like the detective crash more version of signs or at least of Mel Gibson's character. And I also think, you know, I don't think it would be a problem, but I think it would be less interesting, too, if he's like, I've given up on it and I'm not even struggling anymore.
I think God sucks. And the moral of this story is nobody's going to help us. And we have to set all the aliens on fire.
So I do think that would still be fine. But I think it's more interesting. I mean, it's an arc, you know, it's a movie. You should have an arc if you can. And so I thought I thought that was really yeah.
The God is the God is dead prequel. God is dead until till that stupid kid convinces Kevin Sorbo that he is not.
Yeah, I did do the music for two of them, Joe Averig. So watch my really long video where I talk about God's not dead. Like within five minutes, I'm talking about how I did the music and they stiffed me.
Swing away, Jordan.
Oh, yeah, I thought it was interesting. I thought it was handled well.
Yeah. Now, what's what's like Christianity's general take? You need to speak for all Christians on the planet. Yeah, we all agree.
Like with on aliens, you know, like and especially in this case, it seems like God does not have control over aliens. God is like on opposite ends of the battlefield for aliens. I mean, he has he presumably has control over other bad things that still happen. So it's true. So I don't think aliens seem exempt in this case in any special way. It felt like in this movie, God can God's got Earth, but then he doesn't have control of the rest of the universe. Like I feel like that would be a big hurdle for Christians to like accept the concept of aliens. So I think in a very general sense, the concept of other species, sentient species is should not be considered controversial because angels preexisted humans. I don't know if you want to call them aliens. I think I think I don't think I don't personally see any reason why they couldn't exist. It seems like just mathematically, they probably do in a general sense.
I think the thing that gets confusing and difficult to parse out is. All right, so if the whole thing is that humans needed saving and like the whole thing is that Jesus taking on the sin of the world to die for humanity or whatever is like. So what you know, where would the Wookiees factor in? Like it's just it's just it's a little bit tricky to like, did we did Jesus die here for their the Wookiees sins? Like if they're sentient furry creatures somewhere else or do they have their own furry Jesus? And like, there's just like a whole like a whole extra side of the theology that we don't know anything about because all that mattered was our slice.
I think that's all it's a need to know kind of thing. Yeah. And I think it's just it's so confusing that it's hard to really build. It's also like, what do you do with it? Like, I don't know. Like, I don't think I don't think it would break.
The religion, if if Wookiees showed up, like I think it would for some people, maybe, but I don't see how it would. But I do think presumably there's a whole kind of regardless of whether there's Wookiees or not, surely, whatever humans understand about like any religion at all has to be completely minuscule compared to what is probably happening. Just if there's a God behind it, then surely whatever the hell you think you know about it is is very, very small.
And you're going to be like, oh, my God, I thought it was that. Oh, I'm dumb as hell.
But what's so what's so tough, though, is is like when like when some religions will will or just people of religions will state as fact this is the way the world either does work or should work. And then you get that's when you start getting like, like, you know, anti-abortion laws because abortion angers God. And but at the same time, we just don't know enough about say that that say that their religion is the correct religion. We don't know really anything about the deity that designed it.
And I just think that that's whatever we're not I'm not saying anything new. But yeah, yeah, I heard a really good talk once I was talking about like conceivably. In order for us to understand anything at all, it required this translation of an impossible thing to communicate to us. So what we have is kind of like the best approximation. Yeah, I know. Sorry. Jesse brought it up. I'm I'm interested in a philosophical discussion. So it's like it's a condescension already of like whatever is actually true. Trying to put it in human terms already waters the thing down so much as to be, you know, like it's a courtesy and it's and it's like a. Like a grace that we would be extended any possible knowing of anything at all. But ultimately, it still pales in comparison to whatever is actually true. I'm assuming that is true.
And so I think that's when you talk about anti-abortion stuff, you know, like Judaism believes differently. That's pretty much the same for the first 40 books or so. And so I do think that the approach that makes the most sense is kind of this humble idea that you probably don't know. And so it's worth being open to everything and having discussions because like I think I still think you want to have convictions and I think you want to work out of your beliefs and your convictions. But I don't think you have to extend that to everybody else all the time. You know what I mean? Like, why would you force other people to adhere to your standards and beliefs if ultimately what you want is for them to agree with you or whatever, like forcing them to act in your morality, if they don't believe it is like, honestly, what we were talking about offline, I was talking about the difference with my kids of the difference between moral issues and and skill building.
So like our daughter is not sleeping as well as I would like. And I'm not going to punish her. It's not a moral issue that she wakes me up early or whatever. It's a skill. And so I feel better bribing her about it because I just want her to make that connection you sleep in.
It's good. Great.
But if I was bribing her every time that she said, I'm sorry to her sister for clogging her in the head or whatever, then you're building this kind of shitty, faux moral training or whatever. And now it's like she's not learning to do it because she should respect others. It's still very much tied to, but maybe sugar. And I want her to have her own soul, be able to recognize the pain of somebody else and do that.
And so, you know, blow this all the way out to like gay marriage or abortion or something like. Shitting on gay couples because they're getting married is not going to make them more of what you want or what you think is, you know, if anything, it's going to push people further away. So it doesn't really make any sense. If you believe that, if you don't believe gay people should be married, don't do it or whatever.
Yeah. But I don't see how forcing that on somebody else makes your conviction stronger or whatever. I don't know if that makes any sense. No, no. Yeah, it does. And I only I only yeah, took obviously the conversation to a turn.
But because I think when we mentioned like would this break religion, I feel like it should because we are living and societies, societies around the world and throughout time have been living under rules that were based in religions under the auspice that like the people that put those rules in place say that this is the way things work and we have to live this way. If and when we make alien contact, which could happen at like any second, we might suddenly be like, oh, we now know that aliens exist. Then like, how can those people be like, well, we we got to change the rules on the back end now because, you know, because like the evidence is a little bit different. But we're still very certain about the abortion and the gay marriage stuff.
Yeah, I don't know that I'm building. I don't know that aliens are going to show up and be like, not me. I don't know that somebody is going to show up and they see aliens are like, oh, maybe I was wrong about gay marriage because they're a Wookiee. I want to have sex with a Wookiee.
I mean, that's that's that's I think I think I'm saying the same thing, too. And also importantly, I'm not saying that that's your mindset. I'm not saying that's the mindset of the vast majority of religious people.
I don't think Wookiees should get married. Not to my daughter. My daughter will not be married any furry anything. Yeah, Wookiees are gay, David Williamson.
Oh, good for them. Yeah, so I don't know if that has anything to do with anything. I do think it's an interesting question. One of the ways that I know I've done that thing before where I showed you that Punnett Square of Truth, where it's like, yeah, known, unknown. Objective, subjective. So the whole thing is that like they actually use that with aliens where aliens are not a faith or sorry, no, they are a faith thing. Faith is a thing that is true, but unknown. So like there is an answer. You just don't know what it is. So if aliens exist, the reason it's different than an opinion, like you don't have an opinion whether aliens exist because if aliens exist, they're going to blow you up or, you know, like it doesn't matter. You're just going to use hand to hand combat, you see. But I mean, it's not it's not like your personal truth or whatever. Like that exists apart from you as opposed to. So that's what you have is a theory or a faith about it. And so it's it's a thing. So it's like aliens either exist or they don't. And if they showed up, they would blow you up and it wouldn't matter what you believed at the time. And and when they were showing us this stuff, they were they were saying it's a similar argument to God or faith or like religion or whatever, is that somebody is more correct than somebody else, whether it's an atheist, whether it's a Muslim, whether it's Hindu, because there is an answer. Right. Like it presumably. You know, if if nothing if atheism is true and nothing matters or not nothing matters, but like nothing happens when you die or whatever, somebody is more right than somebody else or whatever, and we're all affected similarly. Maybe I mean, I guess there could be. Maybe the person who thinks that all paths are viable is the most correct. And then that sort of negates it a little bit. But you know what I mean? Just like it's it's just it's not an opinion, I don't think. And aliens are similar or are like one of those entry points that we use a lot or they used in this trying to talk about what is true and what's not true. Because like the alternative is a subjective unknown, which is not a it's not possible.
That'd be like saying, I think I mentioned this to you. It's like which of my mom's dinners is your favorite, Jesse? You can't. Of the subject, have a say. That you know of. Wouldn't that be fucked up if I did? I don't know.
Maybe my mom has a second family in New Jersey that she's cooking spaghetti for all the time or something. Great spaghetti.
Anyway, so that movie was pretty good, though. Yeah. Well, look, I think this is what happens when you make a movie that has that isn't just, you know, deliberately like here are the the seven to 10, like most fucked up things I can think of. I.E. Serbian film. It's like this is a layered thing that makes you think, man. Well, and, you know, it it seems to point towards certain truths. But the fact that M. Night Shyamalan is not, in fact, Kevin Sorbo, I think makes it more interesting. Like he made this movie that seems to be pro faith, but there's nothing to suggest that he had an agenda to make it that he just made a character where it would be interesting for them to go from faith to not faith to faith. Which I think anybody should feel like empowered to write and not necessarily have an agenda behind it.
Like imagine if his whole thing was that he was pro gun and then anti gun and then he realized guns were really good at killing aliens and he was pro gun again. Like you would just feel like, well, that's you're like trying to make some really weird point. I was surprised that there weren't really guns here. This seems like a family and a community that would have a lot of guns. But I guess they all just got baseball bats. Well, he's like a preacher. I mean, ostensibly, you would think that Christian people would not love guns.
I don't know. I think the I think the opposite. Well, I don't know. In my culture, that seems true. But I but I think probably when you think about not killing things.
Yeah, guns are good at that. Anyway, yeah, that's why they got to kill things with skewers. Skewers.
My only last thought is that I thought it was so funny that even I knew what the twist was, like the wife's last words were telling her whatever brother in law to swing away at the aliens. And I thought it was like immediately he's going to swing at the at the glasses of water. But his first chop is he's just hitting an alien with a baseball bat, which is like very funny. I don't know. It is clunky and other in other circumstances. But this movie was already so funny that it felt fine. I wish that the alien had posed any threat in that scene at all.
He very much he gasses the kid. And that sucks.
But he really just stands there and lets him hit him four or five times. Probably like he just really doesn't make an effort to escape. He doesn't make an effort to fight back.
He's kind of just imposing, which is just a little weird. You think they're these like ultra smart, but ultra weak things. You think they'd be a little more skitterish, you know, like stay to the corners, try and get away all the time. He was just standing there like like flexing on him.
Right. And so I do think that's to your point, like technically, he also could have just picked up a glass of water and thrown it at him. And it would work just as well as a baseball bat, if not better. Yeah, definitely. I get why people point that out, that it's a little bit goofy. It's like the water. Cool. That's really interesting. His lungs. Awesome. Yeah, the baseball bat.
Like I get that we're supposed to think that he's the hardest hit in his safety in the league. Hardest hitting his baseball player.
Do you know the Greg Jennings? Have you seen this old, old YouTube video? I don't think so. There in shop is the hardest hit in this. Some guy made a video where Greg Jennings, the Packers player from way back when, breaks his leg in Madden, but he was able to put the character back in and he runs all the way down the field.
And the guy's just doing really funny commentary. Anyway, it doesn't matter. It's a it's a wonderful we're watching that next week. We're going to discuss it for an hour because it's amazing.
But yeah, if the alien was more aggressive and he did have to like beat it off and then throw water at it or something. Heard it here first. Jerk away. You see, like, yeah, Mel Gibson looks over like dramatically. Joaquin Phoenix and Joaquin Phoenix is already like wathering up with with moisturizer. Stroke away.
All right. Do you got anything else or should we go to the my first line of defense beat the aliens off? All right.
Does anyone have or do you have any other like general thoughts you want to get to before? No, I think we hit all my stuff. I wanted to talk about God and religion and faith for a good 20 minutes. Yeah, I figured I know you.
You're always cranking that out. You're always cranking one out when we talk about that stuff. Yeah, I'm just trying to crank out some religious stuff.
Yeah. All right.
We're going to the we're going to the people. So you two are the faces of cracks. Half hats off to you. Jen's cracked is good shit. Thanks, Ben. We're not the only faces, but, you know, we're here. Now's a good time, Brian, to pop your face in.
And since Serbia has mentioned a lot in the chat, I'm Serbian. I would suggest the movie Takavi or Wheels. OK, I've been burned by some Serbian movies before, but maybe this one's one of those boring arthouse films that they are trying to satirize because they're not horny enough.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Zellit, we need an update and on that profile picture. And here it is. Hey, wow, that's I think it is. Mama, YouTube. Good. Beat that off. All right.
God doesn't give you more than you can handle. Guess Mel Gibson wanted a dead wife or it could handle it, presumably. Yeah, after six months, he couldn't. Guy gives his deadest wives to his Melis Gibson's. Moses gets a burning bush. He got a dead wife.
I'm not saying it's evenly distributed. You know, what scene scared you the most? Oh, OK, that's actually a really great question. I love big tits. So obviously, the classic scene where he walks by at the kid's party with a camcorder, which is already preempted by another hilarious moment where Joaquin Phoenix is like, move, children.
Vamenos.
They speak Portuguese in Brazil. So also just even funnier for me. Somebody with a Portuguese brother-in-law.
But the scariest moment for me is actually when he sets the TV back up and the things in the TV in the black mirror TV. That actually got me to jump this time. And I knew it was there, but I didn't know. I forgot it was in the TV. It was like, ah, so do you have another one?
Really, really good. No, I mean, that that was super spooky.
What struck me about the scene with the birthday party is that it's funny that they had to contrive a reason that somebody would have their camcorder out. Whereas if this is taking place today, you're going to have video of it right away. There's that little clip from a news from a newsreel where they're like, oh, they started figuring out how to take them down in the Middle East. But no details yet. Whereas like today, there'd be like 50 TikToks in the, you know, within within. They're like dancing and shooting squirt guns at aliens.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah, I also very fun that our audio only audience is not going to know the context for why you just said I love big tits. Well, you know, I mean, they're fine stream folks. Adam think I prefer the sequel to signs.
Hey, where'd you move it? Oh, oh, somebody just said that. That's that's Brian was pulling up. Somebody else just said it sounded like I just said that I was unprompted.
Look, it's never a bad time to let everybody know. You know, I found this like I used to make it very clear to everyone that I liked Dr. Pepper, and it just would be at every party I was ever at. You just got to make your preferences known. So now I'm hoping that every live stream has.
I love your eyes. Just Adam Fink says that he prefers the sequel to signs where he has no where Gibson has to build a baseball field in his cornfield that he could play one more game of catch with his wife. Yeah, for the love of whatever his wife's name.
Um, that's all titles. So you come to a planet full of water when water is poisoning you. Here's your sign. Yeah, it's fair. And somebody else had mentioned somewhere and maybe this is somewhere else in here.
But like, there's a lot of water in the air. What are you doing? It's humid. It's not a great place to be with water, but maybe it just cornfields are notoriously well irrigated. You're going to come across some water. Yeah, aqueducts.
Um, this is the first great movie I watched and it legit scarred me for life. I'm still afraid of the dark. It's so embarrassing that this is the movie.
I feel like what's I feel like though, like the difference between this and the ring is that you know what you're getting the whole time. I get scary and it's weird and shit's happening. And this is so much more subtle with everything. It's just like dread and like sadness. It just feels like it gets you a little bit deeper than a Serbian film.
Like, yeah, right. They also like, I don't know, they made like a phone ringing a jump scare. Like they, they use a lot of tools that are designed to put you on edge the whole time. Right.
Um, David Williamson asks, are the aliens and signs related to Bruce Willis and unbreakable officially the water connection seems to deliver. So Bruce Willis, his whole problem and unbreakable is that he's invincible, but he can't, he can like barely swim and will drown. Um, I mean, no, because he doesn't melt when he encounters water. He just, he's a bad swimmer.
By that metric, I would also probably be related to aliens. You know, Titanic also is in the same universe. As this movie? As this movie.
Yeah. Water kills things in that universe. We have an official ruling. I died for your senses, constrained your species unless specified otherwise. Sure.
I don't know. Not expecting Christian philosophical debate when you click this link. Neither was I. But I was prepared just in case.
Definitely trying to say something about religion. It's just really muddy. It's almost like it's trying to say something about just like fate and miracles and like connections to things more than it is faith. But faith is a clearer way of saying that than just like, like what, what other job would he have? He's like, I'm a faith man, or I'm a, I'm a connections guy. He could have been a mathematician or something like in contact, maybe.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. But anyway. How did they handle high humidity? Okay. So somebody else did say that. Sorry.
Everybody else find it weird that at the end of the movie, they're all sitting down to eat separate meals. That Joaquin Phoenix said, you know, he had to cook them all. Just because he said he was making the sandwiches.
I that was that was very funny that they were like, yeah, what do you want to do? I don't know.
Let's like spend more time cooking than what I spent last two months. It was a final meal is there is their last meal. That's what yeah, Mel Gibson's like, we're all gonna die. We're not gonna eat sandwiches. I'm gonna eat a big old, you know, cheeseburger with extra bacon, extra bacon.
Pro tip praise the behavior you want to see more of instead of bribing reward with positive attention. Sorry, this is my field. So I have to comment when parents use the word bright. I know I'm not actually bribing. I'm very positive. My children love me.
Okay. Actually, the thing that we do right now is I'll say to sweet. Hey, guess what? She'll say what I'll say. I love you. And she goes, you always say that. Right? Get in your head. All right. It's hard.
Anytime.
I'm not saying it. Maybe I don't feel it. Think about that kid. It's hard to stab a spoon. Is this a reference to something that we talked about that I'm forgetting? I'd agree. I'd agree with the statement, but I don't know what it's in reference to. That's how I see it. It's about the character's faith. Not that everyone should believe. Yeah, because I don't think there's anything to suggest.
The kids are walking.
Phoenix are like born again Christians now. It's just Mel Gibson that's becoming a different type of person who wants to believe in something that matters. Movie is demons, but humanity is all godless and doesn't believe.
So we just assume they're aliens. And that's what I mean, they're flying in ships though. They have force fields.
What are you talking about? I don't like it. Yeah.
What if demons come from the sky, not from the ground? Demons from the sky.
Holy shit. I don't like that theory, Joe. I know you're not as bouncy and that is your own. I dig it. If you hit her with a truck, the aliens will come. That's true. That's just science. All right.
Got anything else? I don't think so.
You ready to do titles? Yeah, I'm ready for some titles.
Toils.
All right. So here's what I got. Exactly what the nerds want, because that's what walking Phoenix, he makes a whole diatribe on like, this is just like 30-year-old dudes who don't have wives or girlfriends. Yeah, yeah. Once again, feeling pretty attacked here. Yeah, it's like... He also says hair plugs.
If I could afford him, I'd get him. I had feels wrong, not to swing, because I thought that was interesting, both in a artistic sense, because clearly his career has gone further and further into like, we're doing this. And it feels like literally, if there's a little metaphor for his career, it's that he's hit some epic home runs, and he has struck the hell out. Yeah, more than any two people in the history of my league baseball. Right.
And also, that's our rec softball league officially started, and I have never not swung at a pitch. I'm not there to let the ball go. I'm not... Like, it's going three miles an hour. I'm not gonna... If it's really high and far, I'll step over the plate and swing at it. Like, I'm not a child, you know? I'm here to hit the baseball. You're not gonna walk me in rec softball.
So anyway. And then I put Miracle Man, but I don't actually remember why, other than maybe that's a superhero, and that's what he talks about. I feel like I thought of that too. I think maybe somebody said that. That's super weird. I might've written that down. Anyway, what do you got? Somebody says like, you're not a miracle, or it's not a miracle, man. I don't know if that's what I got it from, but maybe.
Okay. Oh, because you're like... It's like you're either a Miracle Man, or you're a... Yes, right. No faith boy. Yeah, yeah. Or whatever. Oh, and then Joaquin Phoenix does say after his thing about the Hock early puke, I think he says, I'm a Miracle Man all the way, or something like that. That's what it is. Yeah, it's something like that.
Okay. What do you got for me? All right, I got Lionel Pritchard and the Wolfington Brothers infinite playlist. Steven, I'm not even writing that down. Mostly shits and bastards. Okay.
It's on douchebags, yeah. It's on douchebags.
The three Kolkan problem. I feel like Ali and I talked about the three body problem on this podcast recently. Then, I wasn't paying attention. We should make one episode where it's about books, and it's about those books. They're really heavy.
Okay. Sucks to your ass, Mar. That's it. That's what we'll call it. What do you say? Which one is that? Is that sandlot or is that?
No, it's from a book. Oh, Lord of the Flies. Yeah, Lord of the Flies.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sucks to your ass, Mar. All right, so here's what the people we got. We got Waterboy 2 Sky Boogaloo. Sky Boogaloo. There's a lot of things going on in there. All title.
You are not my father. He does say that. I mean, I don't know if that's a Star Wars-y thing.
H2O problems. Okay. Close encounters of the wet kind. I mean, it would be the dry kind, right? Because these guys are dry. But I love it, but it's great. But I got... Wet? This one really dried me up.
Mars Attacks Again. I don't know if they ever came the first time.
Alien H2O. I think there's something about like Alien 3 was like in the cubed. Like the official title for Alien 3 was cubed.
Oh, yeah. Lethal Weapon 5, Riggs Goes Home. Yeah, it's true.
Patching of the Christ 2, Beeman from the Sky. I Saw the Sign.
Nice. Take Me to Church. Sure. Swinging in the rain. Nice. You're nice.
I got a little lady in the water. Children in the corn.
There you go. Rain, rain, go away. Oh, rain, rain, swing away? Oh.
I'm going to write it down. I'm not going to use it, but...
David Earth remained the same. H2O. Whoa. Gibson and Phoenix is infinite for containers. Oh, yeah. That's what's up. Thanks, Steve-o.
Dude, I don't think it's Dude Where. I think it's Dude Where's My Savior.
Nice. Naked Vacation on Acid World. We're like, nice.
All right. Good stuff.
I would also like to add Waterworld. Waterworld.
Wait, wasn't that Mel Gibson? No, that was... No, that's...
Frickin' Kevin... Connery. Costner. Kevin Costner. Kevin Connery. Sean's stupid younger brother.
The Wife Aquatic. No, that's Lady in the Water.
I mean, it's good. It's a good pun, but yeah. Rain, rain, swing away. That is a fun one.
All right. We're done, right? I know that's important. We're not going to have anything else. I think so.
So here's what we're doing. We're live streaming every Thursday at 4. Next week. Check it out. Are you doing 21? I think we're going to, yeah. We're going to have a guest.
I am not going to be here, because I don't care about this podcast anymore, as I've been...
Yeah, you'll notice. And you'll notice that our...
The money coming in has really dried up this episode in comparison to the ones where they... Because we just did something out of me.
I'm not your monkey. You can't make me dance.
But yeah, so we're doing that. And remember, there is an audio version if you want to catch up on... Because we used to only do audio, so if you want to catch up on old podcasts or whatever, we're on Spotify and the other ones. So we're doing that too. And then, where can we find you, Jesse? Oh, yeah.
Find me at Iceman, at Iceman on Twitter, of course. E-I-S-E-M-A-N-N. And here's my daughter coming in right here. Come here. You want to get on the live stream?
And I also have a YouTube channel that I haven't uploaded much to yet, but I might someday. And this is... This is my...
Oh, no, she's too fast. Oh, hi. And she's creeping like a science alien. Did she understand being John Malkovich? Tell her that I have the souls of hundreds of people inside of me. No, she does. Okay. Well, sit down and watch that with her.
And that's it. And we're done. So goodbye, everyone.
Love you all, even though you don't pay me like you used to. Standards and beliefs. If ultimately what you want is for them to agree with you or whatever, like forcing them to act in your morality if they don't believe it. It's like, honestly, what we were talking about offline, I was talking about the difference with my kids of the difference between moral issues and skill building.
So like our daughter is not sleeping as well as I would like. And I'm not going to punish her. It's not a moral issue that she wakes me up early or whatever. It's a skill. And so I feel better bribing her about it because I just want her to make that connection you sleep in.
It's good. Great.
But if I was bribing her every time that she said I'm sorry to her sister for clobbing her in the head or whatever, then you're building this kind of shitty faux moral training or whatever. And now it's like she's not learning to do it because she should respect others. It's still very much tied to, but maybe sugar. And I want her to, of her own soul, be able to recognize the pain of somebody else and do that.
And so, you know, blow this all the way out to like gay marriage or abortion or something like shitting on gay couples because they're getting married is not going to make them more of what you want or what you think is, you know, if anything, it's going to push people further away. So it doesn't really make any sense. If you believe that, if you don't believe gay people should be married, don't do it or whatever. Yeah, but I don't see how forcing that on somebody else makes your conviction stronger or whatever. I don't know if that makes any sense. No, no, yeah, it does.
And I only, I only, yeah, obviously the conversation took a turn, but because I think when we mentioned would this break religion, I feel like it should because we are living and societies around the world and throughout time have been living under rules that were based in religions. But under the auspices that like the people that put those rules in place say that this is the way things work and we have to live this way. If and when we make alien contact, which could happen at like any second, we might suddenly be like, oh, we now know that aliens exist. Then like, how can those people be like, well, we got to change the rules on the back end now because, you know, because like the evidence is a little bit different. But we're still very certain about the abortion and the gay marriage stuff.
Yeah, I don't know that I'm building. I don't know that aliens are going to show up and be like, not me. I don't know that somebody's going to show up and they see aliens are like, oh, maybe I was wrong about gay marriage because there are wookiees and I want to have sex with a wookiee.
I mean, that's that's I think I think I'm saying the same thing, too. And also importantly, I'm not saying that that's your mindset. I'm not saying that's the mindset of the vast majority of religious people.
I don't think wookiees should get married. Not to my daughter. My daughter will not be married any furry anything. Yeah, wookiees are gay.
David Williamson. Good for them.
Yeah, so I don't know if that has anything to do with anything. I do think it's an interesting question. One of the ways that I know I've done that thing before where I showed you that Punnett square of truth where it's like, yeah, known, unknown. Objective subjective. So the whole thing is that like they actually use that with aliens where aliens are not a faith or sorry. No, they are a faith thing. Faith is a thing that is true but unknown. So like there is an answer. You just don't know what it is. So if aliens exist, the reason it's different than an opinion, like you don't have an opinion whether aliens exist because if aliens exist, they're going to blow you up or you know, like it doesn't matter. You just can use hand to hand combat. You see, but I mean, it's not it's not like your personal truth or whatever. Like that exists apart from you as opposed to so that's what you have is a theory or a faith about it. And so it's that thing. So it's like aliens either exist or they don't and if they showed up, they would blow you up and it wouldn't matter what you believed at the time. And when they were showing us this stuff there, they were saying it's a similar argument to God or faith or like religion or whatever is that somebody is more correct than somebody else, whether it's an atheist, whether it's Muslim, whether it's Hindu, because there is an answer, right? Like it presumably, you know, if atheism is true and nothing matters or not nothing matters but like nothing happens when you die or whatever.
Somebody is more right than somebody else or whatever and we're all affected similarly. Maybe I mean, I guess there could be maybe the person who thinks that all paths are viable is the most correct. And then that sort of negates it a little bit. But you know what I mean. Just like it's just it's not an opinion. I don't think and aliens are similar or are like one of those entry points that we use a lot or they used in this trying to talk about what is true and what's not true because like the alternative is a subjective unknown, which is not a it's not possible. That'd be like saying I think I mentioned this to you. It's like which of my mom's dinners is your favorite Jesse? You can't of the subject have a say because you don't. That you know of wouldn't that be fucked up if I did? I don't know. Maybe.
My mom has a second family in New Jersey she's cooking spaghetti for all the time or something. Great spaghetti.
Anyway, so that movie was pretty good though. Yeah. Well, look, I think this is what happens when you make a movie that has that isn't just deliberately like here are the the seven to 10 like most fucked up things I can think of ie Serbian film. It's like this is a layered thing that makes you think man. Well, and you know it it seems to to point towards certain truths but the fact that M. Night Shyamalan is not in fact Kevin Sorbo I think makes it more interesting. Like he made this movie that seems to be pro faith but there's nothing to suggest that he had agenda to make it that he just made a character where it would be interesting for them to go from faith to not faith to faith which I think anybody should feel like empowered to write and not necessarily have an agenda behind it.
Like imagine if his whole thing was that he was pro gun and then anti gun and then he realized guns were really good at killing aliens and he was pro gun again. Like you would just feel like well that's you're like trying to make some really weird point. I was surprised that there weren't really guns here. This seems like a family and a community that would have a lot of guns but I guess they all just got baseball bats. Well he's like a preacher. I mean ostensibly you would think that Christian people would not love guns.
I don't know. I think the opposite. Well I don't know.
In my exulturally that seems true. But I think probably when you think about not killing things. Yeah. Guns are good at that. Anyway.
That's why they got to kill things with skewers. Skewers.
My only last thought is that I thought it was so funny that even I knew what the twist was like the wife's last words were telling her whatever brother-in-law to swing away at the aliens. And I thought it was like immediately he's going to swing at the glasses of water. But his first chop is he's just hitting an alien with a baseball bat. Which is like very funny. I don't know. It is clunky and other in other circumstances but this movie was already so funny that it felt fine. I wish that the alien had posed any threat in that scene at all.
He very much he gases the kid and that sucks. But he really just stands there and lets him hit him four or five times probably. Like he just really doesn't make an effort to escape. He doesn't make an effort to fight back. He's kind of just imposing which is just a little weird.
You think that they're these like ultra smart but ultra weak things. You think they'd be a little more skitterish, you know? Like state of the corners try and get away all the time.
He was just standing there like flexing on him. Right. And so I do think to your point like technically he also could have just picked up a glass of water and thrown it at him and it wouldn't work just as well as a baseball bat if not better. Yeah, definitely. I get why people point that out that it's a little bit goofy. It's like the water. Cool. That's really interesting. His lungs. Awesome. Yeah, that's cool.
The baseball bat. Like I get that we're supposed to think that he's the hardest hitting his safety in the league. Hardest hitting his baseball player.
Do you know the Greg Jennings? Have you seen this old, old YouTube video? I don't think so. There in shop was the hardest hit in this. Some guy made a video where Greg Jennings, the Packers player from way back when breaks his leg in Madden, but he was able to put the character back in and he runs all the way down the field and the guy's just doing really funny commentary.
Anyway, it doesn't matter. It's a wonderful. We're watching that next week. We're going to discuss it for an hour because it's amazing.
But yeah, if the alien was more aggressive and he did have to beat it off and then throw water at it or something. Her first way. Jerk away. You see, like yeah, Mel Gibson looks over like dramatically Joaquin Phoenix and Joaquin Phoenix is already like weathering up with moisturizer. Stroke away.
All right. Do you got anything else? Or should we go to the. My first line of defense. Beat the aliens off. All right. Does anyone have or do you have any other like general thoughts you want to get to the floor? No, I think we hit all my stuff.
I wanted to talk about God and religion and faith for a good 20 minutes. Yeah, I figured I know you. You're always cranking that out. You're always cranking one out when we talk about that stuff. Yeah, just trying to crank out some religious stuff.
Yeah, yeah. All right.
We're going to the. We're going to the people.
So you two are the faces of cracks. Half hats off to you. Jen's cracked is good shit. Thanks Ben. We're not the only faces, but, you know, we're here. Now's a good time, Brian, to pop your face in.
Since Serbia is mentioned a lot in the chat, I'm Serbian. I would suggest the movie Takavi or Wheels. OK, I've been burned by some Serbian movies before, but maybe this one's one of those boring art house films that they are trying to satirize because they're not horny enough.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, zealot. We need an update and on that profile picture. And here it is. Hey, wow, that's. Mama YouTube. Good. Beat that off. All right.
God doesn't give you more than you can handle. Guess Mel Gibson wanted a dead wife or it could handle it, presumably. Yeah, for six months he couldn't. God gives his deadest wives to his Melis Gibson's. Moses gets a burning bush. He got a dead wife. I'm not saying it's evenly distributed.
What scene scared you the most? OK, that's actually a really great question. I love big tits. So obviously the classic scene where he walks by at the kids party with the camcorder, which is already preempted by another hilarious moment where Joaquin Phoenix is like move, children, Vamanos.
They speak Portuguese in Brazil. So also just even funnier for me as somebody with a Portuguese brother-in-law.
But the scariest moment for me is actually when he sets the TV back up and the things in the TV in the black mirror TV. That actually got me to jump this time and I knew it was there, but I didn't know. I forgot it was in the TV.
It was like. So do you have another one good? No, I mean that that was super spooky.
What struck me about the scene with the birthday party is that it's funny that they had to contrive a reason that somebody would have their camcorder out. Whereas if this is taking place today, you're going to have video of it right away. There's that little clip from a news from a newsreel where they're like. Oh, they started figuring out how to take them down in the Middle East, but no details yet. Whereas like today, there'd be like 50 TikToks and you know, within. They're like dancing and shooting score guns at aliens.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's funny. Yeah, I also very fun that our audio only audience is not going to know the context for why you just said I love big tits. Well, you know, I mean, they're fine stream folks. Adam think I prefer the sequel to signs.
Hey, where'd you move it? Oh, oh, somebody just said that. That's that's Brian was pulling up somebody else just said it sounded like I just said that I was unprompted.
Look, it's never a bad time to let everybody know. You know, I found this like I used to make it very clear to everyone that I liked Dr. Pepper and it just would be at every party I was ever at. You just got to make your preferences known. So now I'm hoping that every live stream has.
I love euros. Just Adam Fink says that he prefers the sequel to signs where he has no where Gibson has to build a baseball field in his cornfield that he could play one more game of catch with his wife. Yeah, for the love of whatever his wife's name. Lots all titles.
So you come to a planet full of water when water is poisoning you. Here's your sign. Yeah, it's fair. And somebody else had mentioned somewhere and maybe this is somewhere else in here, but like there's a lot of water in the air. What are you doing? It's humid. It's not a great place to be with water, but maybe it just. Cornfields are notoriously well irrigated. You're going to come across some water. Yeah, aqueducts.
This is the first great movie I watched and it legit scarred me for life. I'm still afraid of the dark. It's so embarrassing that this is the movie.
I feel like what's I feel like though like the difference between this and the ring is that you know what you're getting the whole time. I get scary and it's weird and shit's happening and this is so much more subtle with everything. It's just like dread and like sadness. It just feels like it gets you a little bit deeper than a Serbian film. Yeah, right. They also like I don't know.
They made like a phone ringing a jump scare like they they use a lot of tools that are designed to put you on edge the whole time, right? David Williamson asks. Are the aliens and signs related to Bruce Willis and Unbreakable officially?
The water connection seems to deliver. So Bruce Willis's whole problem and Unbreakable is that he's invincible but he can't he can like barely swim and will drown. I mean no because he doesn't melt when he encounters water. He just he's a bad swimmer.
By that metric I would also probably be related to aliens. You know Titanic also is in the same universe. As this movie? As this movie, yeah.
What are kill things in that universe? We have an official ruling. I died for your senses constrained your species unless specified otherwise.
Sure, I don't know. Not expecting Christian philosophical debate when you click this link. Neither was I. But I was prepared just in case.
Definitely trying to say something about religion. It's just really muddy. It's almost like it's trying to say something about just like fate and miracles and like connections to things more than it is faith but faith is a clearer way of saying that than just like.
Like what other job would he have? He's like I'm a faith man or I'm a connections guy. He could have been a mathematician or something like in contact maybe.
Oh yeah, yeah. But anyway. How did they handle high humidity? Okay, so somebody else did say that, sorry.
We also find it weird that at the end of the movie they're all sitting down to eat separate meals that Joaquin Phoenix had. You know he had to cook them all just because he said he was making the sandwiches. I that was that was very funny that they were like, yeah, what do you want to do? I don't know. Let's like spend more time cooking than I spent last two months. It was a final meal is there is their last meal. That's what yeah.
Mel Gibson is like we're all going to die. We're not going to eat sandwiches. I'm getting a big old, you know, cheeseburger with extra big extra bacon.
Pro tip praise the behavior you want to see more of instead of bribing reward with positive attention. Sorry, this is my field. So I have to comment when parents use the word I know I'm not actually bribing. I'm very positive. My children love me.
OK, actually, the thing that we do right now is I'll say to sweet. I'll say, hey, guess what? She'll say what I'll say. I love you. And she goes, you always say that.
Right. Get in your head. All right.
It's hard time. Anytime I'm not saying it, maybe I don't feel it. Think about that kid. It's hard to stab a spoon.
Is this a reference to something that we talked about that I'm forgetting? I'd agree. I'd agree with the statement, but I don't know what it's in reference to. That's how I see it.
It's about the character's faith. Not that everyone should believe. Yeah, because I don't think there's anything that suggests the kids are walking. Phoenix are like born again Christians now. It's just Mel Gibson. That's becoming a different type of person who wants to believe in something that matters. Movie as demons, but humanity is all godless and doesn't believe.
So we just assume they're aliens and that's what I mean, they're flying in ships though. They have force fields.
What are you talking? I don't like.
Yeah, what if demons come from the sky, not from the ground? Demons from the sky.
Holy shit. I don't like that theory, Joe. I know you're not as bouncy in that as your own. I dig it. If you hit her with a truck, the aliens will come. That's true. That's just science. All right.
Got anything else? I don't think so.
You ready to do titles? Yeah, I'm ready for some titles.
Toilets.
All right. So here's what I got. Exactly what the nerds want because that's what Joaquin Phoenix, he makes a whole diatribe on like just like 30 year old dudes who like don't have wives or girlfriends. Yeah, yeah. Once again, feeling pretty attacked here. Yeah, it's like. He also says hair plugs. If I can afford him, I'd get him. I had feels wrong, not to swing because I thought that was interesting, both in a artistic sense because clearly his career has gone further and further into like. We're doing this. And you know, it feels like literally if there's a little metaphor for his career, it's that he's hit some epic home runs and he has struck the hell out. Yeah, more than any two people in the history of my league baseball. Right.
And also that's my rec softball league officially started, and I have never not swung at a pitch. I'm not there to let the ball go. I'm not like it's going three miles an hour. I'm not going to, if it's really high and far, I'll step over the plate and swing at it. Like I'm not a not a child. You know, I'm here to hit the baseball. You're not going to walk me in rec softball.
So anyway, and then I put miracle man, but I don't actually remember why other than maybe that's a superhero and that's what he talks about. I feel like I thought of that too. I think maybe somebody said that. That's super weird. I might have written that down.
Anyway, what do you got? Just like you're not a miracle or it's not a miracle man. I don't know if that's what I got it from, but maybe. Okay. Oh, because you're like, that's it's like you're either a miracle man or you're a. Yes, right. No faith boy. Yeah, yeah. And then oh, and then Joaquin. I think Joaquin Phoenix does say after his thing about the Hock early puke, I think he says I'm a miracle man all the way or something like that. That's what it is. Yeah, it's something like that. Okay, what do you got for me? All right.
I got Lionel Pritchard and the Wolfington brothers infinite playlist. Stupid. I'm not even writing that down. Mostly shits and bastards. Okay.
It's on douche bags. Yeah, it's a douche bags.
The three Culkin problem. I feel like we I feel like Ali and I talked about the three body problem on this podcast recently. Then we should we should do we should make one episode where it's about books and it's about those books. They're really heavy.
Okay. Sucks to your ass Mar. That's it. That's what we'll call it. What do you say? Which which one is that? Is that sandlot or is that?
No, it's from a book. Oh, Lord of the Flies. Yeah, Lord of the Flies.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sucks to your ass Mar. All right. So here's what the people we got. We got water boy to Sky Boogaloo. Sky Boogaloo. There's a lot of things going on in there. All title.
You are not my father. He does say that. I mean, I don't know if that's a Star Wars thing.
H20 problems. Okay. Close encounters of the wet kind. I mean, it would be the dry kind. Right? Because these guys are dry. But I love it, but it's great. But I got. Wet. This one dried me up.
Mars Attacks Again. I don't know if they ever came the first time.
Alien H20. I think there's something about like Alien 3 was like in the cubed. Like the official title for Alien 3 was cubed.
Oh, yeah. Lethal Weapon 5 Riggs goes home. Yeah, it's true.
Patching of the Christ 2. Demon from the sky. I saw the sign.
Nice. Take me to church. Sure. Swinging in the rain. Nice. You're nice.
I got a little lady in the water. Children in the corn.
There you go. Rain rain go away. Oh, rain rain swing away. Oh.
I'm going to write it down. I'm not going to use it.
But David Earth remained the same. H2 whoa. Whoa. Gibson and Phoenix is infinite for computers. Oh, yeah, that's what's up. Thanks, Steve.
Dude. I don't think it's dude where. I think it's dude. Dude, where's my savior?
Nice. Naked vacation on acid world. We're like, nice.
All right. Good stuff.
I would also like to add water world. Water world.
Wait, wasn't that Mel Gibson? No, that was. No, that's frickin' Kevin.
Connery. Costner. Kevin Costner. Kevin Connery. Sean's stupid younger brother.
The wife aquatic. No, that's lady in the water.
I mean, it's good. It's a good pun. But yeah, rain, rain, swing away. That is a fun one.
All right. We're done, right? Yeah, that's the part. We don't have anything else. Think so.
So here's what we're doing. We're live streaming every Thursday at four. Next week. Check it out. Are you doing 21? I think we're gonna, yeah. We're gonna have a guest.
I am not gonna be here because I don't care about this podcast anymore as I've been. Yeah, you'll notice. And you'll notice that the money coming in has really dried up this episode in comparison to the ones where they- Because we just did something out of me.
I'm not your monkey. You can't make me dance.
But yeah, so we're doing that. And remember, there is an audio version if you want to catch up on, because we used to only do audio. So if you want to catch up on old podcasts or whatever, we're on Spotify and the other ones. So we're doing that too. And then where can we find you, Jesse? Oh, yeah.
Find me at Iceman on Twitter, of course. And here's my daughter coming in right here. Come here. You want to get on the live stream?
And I also have a YouTube channel that I haven't uploaded much to yet, but I might someday. And this is my...
Oh, no, she's too fast. Oh, hi. And she's creeping like a science alien. Did she understand being John Malkovich? Tell her that I have the souls of hundreds of people inside of me. No, she does. Okay. Well, sit down and watch that with her.
And that's it. And we're done. So goodbye, everyone. Love you all, even though you don't pay me like you used to. Bye. |
cracked | why_the_harry_potter_universe_is_secretly_terrifying_after_hours | No country was the first film to abandon the whole Christian good evil karmic balance supposition. What are you doing? I'm highlighting the parts of Harry Potter that support Dumbledore being gay. It's for a collage College but he gets hit by a car at the end. He gets punished, but then he gets right back up Grasped his wand. It could go either way.
You know, what's stupid about Harry Potter? No, you know What's stupid about Harry Potter?
We're doing Coen brothers tonight. We say we're gonna have one classy night I got no cards. I made no car.
It's like a secret wizard world, right? And we're not supposed to know about I don't actually know about I don't know anything about Harry Potter by doing this. You are locking me out of this conversation. You can't question magic. It's magic I mean, you can't get hung up on the details of some nerd world. Have you met us? I don't even care about the magic Okay, I'm not questioning why they never use the time turner again, even though why not? Why the hell not all I'm saying is the wizard world is supposed to be a secret There's the Bureau of Muggle Affairs.
Oh, no, sorry. No, come on. Sorry, Dan They're like ambassadors who can shoot fireballs at you.
And then there's Lord Belmont snake face No way that's his name. You're not supposed to say his name And if he wins then the whole world's destroyed consumed by darkness Dumbledore refers to it as a great swallowing Oh, but not just the Wizards Everyone gets killed and instead of sharing that information with their international allies The wizarding community just finds a wounded orphan boy and it's like yeah I'm sure that's gonna take care of it because you fight fire with fire wizards are supernatural What would help is a muggle gonna be there's a bunch of us and we have helicarriers and assault rifles We killed Hitler Hussein and Houdini you think we can't Newton vaulter man in the next week He has limitless stark power that he has to aim through a wand We can shoot people with a thousand rockets from space with iPhones Dude does live on the back of another dude's head Not exactly an ideal seat of power It was negligent of the Wizards not to warn us and we were clearly endangered as well. She was a fundamental lack of integrity Happy birthday, hon. Thank you. What can we learn from Barton thinks repeated ear discharge? You know what Voldemort They should have just cruised missiles Slytherin tower and been done with it A lot of war would have ended quicker if the enemies were all wearing purple capes and lived in a big old house together They don't are all the bad guys seriously named Slytherin. That's worse than Avatar. Everything sucks out of context Spider-man is just this teenage boy whose body goes through these weird changes and then suddenly he's squirting the sticky goo all over the city streets I don't care to talk to you anymore. Are you defending Slytherin? They're racist They turn people into stone then let werewolves eat unicorns when that sorting hat said Slytherin you should It's an enchanted piece of felt that determines your academic future It's like if the SATs were magic and worn on the head and it was an H instead of an S And it said sorting first the sorting hat said Slytherin you should have been ushered into a little room and humanely destroyed Wow, you are really letting the inner area now tonight.
We're talking guaranteed evil here Maybe you don't kill them, but you certainly don't build a school dedicated to increasing their power. What do you call a law school?
Did you read that off a card? Do you have zingers on a card? I? Like to be prepared.
They've got classes called the dark arts and poisons It's a terrorist so okay. The whole school is messed up not just Slytherin They start school when they're like what ten years old and from that point on they just learn magic no math No science they learn to time travel and look through people's clothes It's the two are imagine a guy who has access to time travel and a third graders Understanding of world history now imagine that guy times a thousand and imagine that a quarter of them are evil Yeah, that sounds like a school. You know I'm glad double door died. Oh come on It came out in like 2005 well, I guess no child is left behind when you got a Nimbus 2000 Research Harry Potter while you guys were talking. I like that one.
Yeah, that was pretty good Yeah, it wasn't that good all right it down so is your collage homophobic or homophobic? It's more homo Larias not a word. What did you just say? What the fuck did you just say? |
dropout | how_texting_mind_games_will_ruin_your_life | Hey, how was your day with Craig? Tell me everything. He's cute, smart, funny, huh? Honestly, I think I'm gonna text him right now.
No!
What, are you kidding me, man? Boy, it's so much fun. Look, you gotta wait at least two days or you're gonna look desperate. Okay, I don't wanna mess this up. Oh, it's him. It's an inside joke. He makes these penguin fart sounds, like, brrrr!
He waited three days, right? Uh-huh. You wait a week. We're just sitting here, like, waiting for that text.
But it was. I know that. But he cannot know that.
This girl's playing games. We made out for a really long time. I'm gonna text her.
Absolutely not! Wait! Look, you gotta wait a month if you wanna win the game. I don't wanna play the game. Then you lose the game!
It's a power play. Let him know he's in charge and get back to him in six months. But what if he's the one? All the more reason to. Oh, my God, she's still interested. It's a trap! What? Bro, look, whether or not she knows it, she wants you to ignore her. Just think how good the sex is gonna be when you get back to her. Okay, how long should we make? One second, honey! I'm being a message. She used an exclamation point. Should I do a winky face?
No! You used nothing.
Oh, my little girl, I'm so proud of ya. Have fun at space school.
Be a message. You know what to do. Fuck it. So clingy. |
cracked | president_trump_s_stupid_fake_news_awards_because_he_asked_some_news | Here is some of the news the new Avengers infinity war trailer made a racist remark while honoring Native American. Oh The president made a racist insensitive ignorant remark Okay, while honoring Native American code talkers very very special people You were here long before any of us were here Although we have a representative in Congress who they say was here a long time ago They call her Pocahontas But you know what I? Like you in the interest of being fair and balanced TM CR Can we also take a look at other parts of the president's speech also General Dunford head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff? General how good here he is right there the chief. He's the general and the chief General Kelly just come up for one second I want to just have you say what you told me a little bit about the code talkers because it really has been Learning about you and learning about what you've done Has been something that I'd like General Kelly to say to the press So he got excited about the word chief called them special people Repeatedly admitted ignorance about what the code talkers do and then pleaded with someone more informed to explain to everybody the thing that that Person had just explained to him one more time with everybody Learning about you and learning about what you've done has been something that I'd like General Kelly to say to the press and that's As good as that could have gone I guess Also, for anyone curious that Elizabeth Warren Pocahontas thing is based around a whole lot of misinformation False accusations of her using her heritage to get special treatment Even though applications asking if she'd like to apply for Native American or other minority programs are marked No and that she was recruited for teaching jobs due to her popular research and bankruptcy and even if we ignore that Pocahontas using this manner Is considered a racial slur by minorities and specifically Native Americans also Trump himself has been accused of lying about Fucking the exact same thing because of course he has when he and his father would claim Swedish heritage instead of German So they wouldn't have problems selling to Jewish people and sure we could stoop to his level and make sweet references that somehow apply to Him like hey Trump pulled a PewDiePie or hey look it's Ingmar Bergman over here, or yeah, mr. President you're a real Alfred Nobel But he wouldn't get those references so maybe we can try to do like a German person.
He's heard of but Darn, I can't think of But whatever let's move on to the Avengers President Trump has used his Twitter account to share inflammatory videos which were posted online By the deputy leader of the far-right group Britain first. Nope We can't do that because the integrity president just retweeted fake videos of Muslims committing violence from the Twitter account of the deputy leader of Britain first a far-right hate group whose deputy leader is a Maniac who last year was found guilty of aggravated harassment for screaming that Muslims were coming into my country raping women across the continent Fantastic, is there a deflection from Sarah Huckabee we can cut to regardless of the video. The threat is very real perfect all Perfect things a president or baseline decent human would do and besides the amazing racism What makes this so staggering is that 48 hours before posting fake news including but not limited to accusing Joe Scarborough of murder Trump was actually ranting about fake news saying we should have a contest as to which of the networks plus CNN and not including Fox is The most dishonest corrupt and or distorted in its political coverage of your favorite president parentheses me They are all bad winner to receive the fake news trophy Well, okay favorite president parentheses you who literally tweets anti-muslim propaganda lies And then your official stance is it doesn't matter if it's a lie It was useful for our narrative you want a fake news award. Let's do a fake news award Welcome to the first annual dishonest corrupt and or distorted in its political coverage of your favorite president me Awards, I'm your host here at the beautiful crack slap-dash office studio soundstage in sunny, Los Angeles and Here's your fake news trophy before we get to the winners Let's go over the official rules like all award shows do in the intro to the broadcast of their award shows Anyway, here are the rules. All right, the news has to be about Trump gross special points for CNN and Fox News is excluded and I can only assume that final rule exists because Fox isn't qualified to be Considered news which would only make sense if like top of my head a 2015 report by the let's say Pulitzer Prize winning We'll call on politically fact found that only Ballpark 40% of what they report is remotely truth-resembling and yet our president repeatedly tweets stories He heard from them even when those stories turn out to be fake Here's another example concerning a retracted story claiming FBI director James Comey leaked classified information Oh and also that time they pushed a completely fabricated conspiracy theory about a major presidential candidate having a man killed So let's imagine Fox is false about 60% of the time according to a Pulitzer Prize winning fact-checking publication And so we won't include Fox Here are the nominees Again, we really wish we could nominate the president for this fake news trophy Simply because of how funny it is that in the very few days following his proposal to award a fake news trophy He bragged about doing the most in 10 months of any president claimed He was our favorite president retweeted a bunch of fake news and claimed a reporter He didn't like murdered somebody but he doesn't meet the requirements for nomination Because he's not a news network because he had to be the president instead. Sorry, buddy So first up is CNN. You're welcome Mr. President who back in June falsely linked Trump team members Anthony Scaramucci to a ten billion dollar Russian investment fund before promptly firing The three employees responsible and issuing a retraction, which is the barely longer way of saying they held themselves accountable Another example is when CNN reported Trump feeds fish winds up pouring entire box of food into koi pond which Funny, but that fails to mention a moment earlier when so did he the president's an embarrassing dope CNN You don't need to fake it Second fake news nominee comes from the Washington Post who last year took a story about a piece of malware on a laptop Belonging to someone responsible for maintaining a Vermont power grid and turned it into the headline Russian hackers penetrated US electricity grid through a utility in Vermont before slowly deleting and changing the story in the hopes that no one would notice We did I Guess that last example doesn't actually meet Trump's fake news award standards But it's not like his award standards or regular standards were exactly aces to begin with But what differs from these stories and Trump's imagined fake news cabal Is that the mistakes of the mainstream media aren't coming from some spank and new sinister plot against him so much as an idiot race For breaking stories that's been going on long before the election It was the Ebola scare racist exaggerations about Asia or just plain terrible journalistic standards So for a third nominee, let's talk about the newer pretty disturbing brand of fake news. That is social media propaganda You know like the Russian influence on Facebook or some tweet of a completely fake video labeled Muslim migrant beats up Dutch boy on crutches Thank You mr. President See it's no secret that an increasing amount of Americans are getting their news from social media despite Facebook insisting They are not a media company. Stop it. Zuck. Don't run for President Zuck Anyway, this creates a situation where both sides of the political spectrum are able to make completely untrue claims with zero oversight Oversight you might get at a place like Washington Post winner of 59 Pulitzer Prizes So on the left there are Facebook groups like the other 98% which has over 5 million followers and a PolitiFact scorecard of pretty fucking bad And on the right there's Breitbart and Infowars which just take mainstream news links and retells them through a conservative lens while somehow also claiming to not be mainstream news For example, Donald Trump tweeted wish the fake news would report with a link to a conspiracy website called Magapil that claims to tally all of his accomplishments Even though Magapil is just an aggregate of those mainstream fake news sites reporting on the things he claims They aren't reporting So I guess actually according to the Trump rules for this award show Magapil gets extra points for these CNN articles Also a lot of what they attribute to Trump are actually because of policies created before he got into office Stories like Ben Carson conducting an audit of the Department of Housing and Urban Development that was actually started the previous year before Carson took over the department It's just a big hoagie of clown shit that way too many people are eating including our president They posted a video claiming there was a sex tape of Hillary Clinton and an underage girl on Anthony Weiner's laptop He's the president And a hoagie of clown shit Speaking of foodstuffs Here's a video with half a million views by performance artist Alex Jones's protege Paul Joseph Watson Claiming that soy products turned men into SJW soy boys Soy boys?
He's a soy boy. He's a soy boy He's a soy boy. He's a soy boy He cites a study by the Journal of Human Reproduction that says that high soy intake can lower sperm count But fails to mention the study was on animals and the author's assertion that it's not time to worry about whether you're eating too much Soy, there's not enough information to conclusively say that. He also claims that soy gives dudes man boobs Which is technically true in the sense that it's only happened to a single guy Drinking three quarts of soy milk a day and most studies have failed to find any substantial link But none of that matters because no one agreeing with the video is going to look into it any further Which is funny because if you do think soy is making you a breasted SJW and want to avoid it Then you might want to avoid this product as well Every morning before I start writing or shooting a video I take two capsules of brain force for a sustainable burst of energy This is without question the most powerful Neutropic I've ever taken and it comes without any of the crashes or the jitters associated with energy drinks It's additive-free. Nothing. He's a soy boy.
He's a soy boy This award show has gone way off the rails and I deeply apologize and promise to look into the problem We wanted to do like a roundup of you know Like all the disingenuous misleading thought leaders out there like speaking of brain pills Animal-minded Mike Cernovich keeps claiming he didn't push the Pizzagate conspiracy or ever named the name of the pizza place that eventually got Shut up by someone even though that's demonstrably false or like Jack Pacific fake news peddler planter of fake signs and Tweeter slash deleter of the Nazi code 1488 at least a few times But who has time for that? Let's just move on to our winner It's James O'Keeffe Obviously James O'Keeffe is the winner if you're not aware of that name You might remember the story of acorn a community-driven organization focused on low-income housing and voter registration It was completely defunded after an undercover journalist Posted a video posing as a pimp and asking acorn representatives advice to run his illegal business The heavily edited video started a political domino effect leading to acorns bankruptcy despite investigations actually finding no evidence of illegal activity because the video was fake For starters the journalist never actually wore the pimp costume into acorn offices But edited the tapes to appear like he did and one of the representatives seemingly helping him conduct illegal activity Had immediately called the police after he left Anyway, this is James O'Keeffe the man who took down a low-income community assistance program by lying and then celebrated with a chillingly debasing Michael Jackson spoof music video where he attempts to sing A song he wrote and sang and paid to have made into a video meant to be seen by people He's also been given at least $20,000 as a charitable donation from Donald apparently still the president Trump and recently resurfaced in the news when he conducted an investigative sting on the Washington Post by paying a woman to pretend to be a Roy Moore child molestation and sexual assault victim in an Attempt to discredit his other accusers instead of exposing mainstream media corruption this stunt You know good journalists do stunts Actually exposed that the post is very serious about allegations like this and very thorough and they're investigating and reporting Maybe it's why they've won 59 Pulitzer's Maybe all of these obvious attempts to discredit these women and discredit the Washington Post Like for example a fake phone call from Bernie Bernstein asking for tips on Roy Moore allegations or demonstrably false Bullshit account starting the rumor that victims were offered thousands of dollars to come forward a tactic used by these journalists on the right But not by actual journalists because that's what helps create false stories and obscure the truth The Washington Post didn't go searching for a smear campaign against Roy Moore or as Roy Moore literally puts it It's a made-up attack by liberals lesbians gays bisexuals transgenders and socialists against Child molesters the post was reporting on the race and as they talked to people in the area They noticed patterns and the story became clear. He was banned from the mall for harassing teens Hey, Alabama the elections in a few days, please don't elect a child molester Sorry, I didn't mean to make this a word show political Sorry, I didn't know don't elect a child molester was political But back to our nominee James O'Keeffe whose ruse was exposed by the post using a journalism trick known as Basic fact-checking this revealed a hilarious digital trail showcasing the fake victims desire to work in conservative media multiple contradictions to her story and a recent Facebook job listing by O'Keeffe looking for someone to Adopt an alias persona gain access to an identified person of interest and persuade that person to reveal information An example of this are these texts between a project Veritas operative trying to use a post journalist family tragedy to set up a meeting When the post finally met with the fake victim She brought a hilariously obvious purse and was forced to obviously move it when the post reporter obstructed its obvious hidden cameras view Luckily the post also filmed it giving us this real-life SNL sketch about a profoundly credible reporter questioning a person-shaped mound of red flags Am I being recorded? So to recap James O'Keeffe attempted to plant a fake sexual assault victim in order to discredit other victims in order to elect a Again, pretty sure child molester and sexual assaulter and even though James's dumb sting was blown He still released his planned bombshell hidden camera video claiming to show political bias at the Washington Post This video included such revelations as the fact that the post has an opinion section an editorial board and that Jeff Bezos of Amazon fame was the one who thought up the democracy dies in darkness slogan something the Washington Post reported a year ago great work Keith And just as a side note if you're worried that the Washington Post being owned by Bezos will prevent them from putting out Unfavorable stories about Amazon and here are a bunch of instances of them putting out unfavorable stories about Amazon also Amazon sucks It treats its workers like absolute trash because they don't have enough good robots yet to fire everybody and now there's a bidding war between cities for its Second headquarters and some are offering wage theft and others are offering feudalism. But again, I don't want to get political This is Hollywood So back to our winner. Mr. O'Keeffe who has this to say about democracy and darkness We think democracy dies when the media has a very biased agenda They don't reveal to the public. He said with no hint of self-awareness See this is why James O'Keeffe is the winner of our very disorganized award show because he not only has a very obvious political agenda But he's also so hilariously bad at lying to support it He presents himself as a hero who's fighting for the truth no matter how many times he's caught lying misleading and fucking up But no, he will fight on exposing the unexposable Project Veritas has a stone lodged between Goliath's eyes. The media wants me to kneel down and apologize I will not we will keep pushing.
We will keep fighting We will expose the truth because there's no one else doing it. No one else can do it No one has the will to do it. They're out for blood, but we'll not surrender.
We will never stop Stay tuned And the things he does have really hurtful Consequences making it so you never really know whether to laugh or cry along with acorn and that guy he got fired He's incredibly misleading video about Planned Parenthood Partially inspired a man to shoot up a Planned Parenthood clinic. Wonder where else I've heard about fake news peddlers causing people to shoot places Meanwhile in less dangerous news back during the election O'Keeffe put out a video Proving that Hillary Clinton funded her campaign with foreign money by staging a Canadian man giving an American $175 to buy Clinton merchandise when he proudly held a press conference about his findings He was met with hard-hitting questions like is this a joke and also are you sure this isn't a joke and that's not a joke James is the political equivalent of a Bigfoot hunter convinced of his extreme bias, but finding no actual evidence of it So he either makes a huge deal out of nothing or just fakes it with editing You see this in the very first ever sting video He made fresh out of Rutgers University where he and his friends complained to the school that serving lucky charms is offensive to Irish Americans Instead of some huge smoking gun about liberal hypocrisy It's just a boring six-minute video of a school official politely considering their perspective before noticing the obvious camera in the room Are you typing this? You shouldn't be doing that James then bafflingly declares the sting a success Just like he declared his embarrassing Washington Post video a success because something in his brain is Psychologically sheltering his ego from any possible shred of self-awareness or humility. Do we have a clip of that? We need a bit of action that will give us the traction as a matter of action Watch your brain, we ain't kickin' out So I guess my overall point here is Why are we forced to know who this guy is? He's likely in need of mental assistance and yet we've allowed him to make an actual impact on our politics Back in 2010 he decided to prank a CNN reporter He claimed was trying to seduce him for a story by filling a boat with dildos and pornography Before attempting to lure her on to it, which seems like a good time to pause and say what the f**k? Luckily one of O'Keefe's visibly shaken female accomplices just f**king warned the CNN reporter before she got on the boat And you would think that after this one encounter the media would never take him seriously again If he's a self-proclaimed journalist who also trolls people he's just a troll He's an unhinged individual who attempted nautical sex assault and has multiple arrests and lawsuits because of how bad He is at committing fraud and yet the media continues to report on his videos that the president gave money to help fund Even if you're Trump and agree with his ideology He's objectively a bad investment which to be fair and balanced never stopped Trump in the past Anyway, I guess everyone wins the award for failing to stop giving destructive disturbed people more power Like we're Loki handing over the tesseract to Thanos We got there the Avengers Yay Everybody thanks for watching one of the things James O'Keefe did was he called somebody a mark and left a message on the machine But forgot to hang up and then there's seven minutes of them like describing what they were gonna do Also call your senator about the tax bill.
It sucks and they suck by |
cracked | president_donald_trump_hates_trumpcare_cnn_is_bad_news_some_news | Hey you! Here's, briefly, some news.
The head of Michigan's health department has been charged with involuntary manslaughter in the Flint water crisis. In response, the citizens of Flint have stated, Help! We are still so very thirsty and poisoned.
Scientists have discovered an extreme treatment for multiple sclerosis that cured 17 out of 24 patients. One died, but, you know, let's first try. The treatment involves extracting bone marrow, killing off immune cells in it, and re-injecting the bone marrow, essentially resetting everything. Then a light will go on, and then a light below it will blink and turn solid, and another one will blink and turn solid, then another, and then you're good to go!
Meanwhile, in some very sad news, Adam West has died. Here's some news.
Fox News has dropped their slogan, Fair and Balanced, not for the reason you think, and have changed it to Most Watched, which isn't true, and Most Trusted, which is, let's say, subjective. And with Fair and Balanced no longer in use, it's ours now, baby! Though, to be fair, we'll change it to Balanced and Fair.
And to be balanced, CNN was recently caught staging a scene in which Muslims put flowers down for victims of the recent London attacks. You know, one of the many those. CNN grabbed people from a nearby demonstration to stage the mock demonstration, proving that CNN's not fake, it's just very, very dumb!
Speaking of dumb news, a fidget spinner was blamed for a 30-acre brush fire, and to any olds out there, fidget spinners are these! Woo! Anyway, here's the article, and it's a really good one. It's a bit spooky, so tuck the young ones in. I'm just gonna read it verbatim. Let's bring the lights down, please, for the tale of the fidget spinner that was blamed for a 30-acre brush fire. To those who think the only damage fidget spinners can do is distract a class of middle schoolers. Think again. I'm pretty spilt, sorry.
On May 26th, the hottest toy of 2017 was involved when two miners accidentally sparked a 30-acre brush fire. Police in Sierra Vista, Arizona say the miners were playing with matches and fidget spinners in a grassy field. What started as a small contained fire. So they were playing with matches, and they had fidget spinners at least near them. The URL remains the same, but the article's headline was eventually changed to read miners spark massive 30-acre brush fire with fidget spinner and a match, which is almost right.
No. There you go.
At the bottom of the article is a disclaimer that reads, correction, this story originally stated that the fidget spinner was the cause of the fire. Police have since clarified that a match was involved. The police statement was that kids were playing with matches and fidget spinners.
That's not hard to parse. You wouldn't say a man was shot by another man with a CVS care card in his wallet and bullets from a gun. And if you take out the police clarification, it's just an article about how fidget spinners exist. This is, dare I say, a fake news. And it's not helping people's perception of the media.
You gotta get it together, ABC 15 Arizona, affiliate of EW Scripts, owner of Cr- Okay. I will gather my things. Can I at least stay to the end of this? Oh, I'm not president stuff.
The President of the United States celebrated his 71st birthday on Wednesday, making him the oldest child to ever be president. His big birthday week kicked off with his first full cabinet meeting in which he went around the table to have everyone say something nice about him. Text FAIR to the number below if you think that's extremely silly and also reveals a deep insecurity and emptiness undesirable in a leader and text BALANCED if you think that's actually awesome and shows how much his underlings respect and cherish his amazing leadership. His leadership, which blesses them, for they are blessed to serve. On behalf of the entire senior staff around you, Mr. President, we thank you for the opportunity and the blessing that you've given us to serve your agenda. And also with you. The next day of Mr. Big President's big boy birthday week was fun with trucks.
Ah, darn it. Mr. Trump did take time to criticize the GOP healthcare bill, describing it as mean despite having literally celebrated it in a garden of roses mere weeks earlier. Though to be fair, he's right. The bill is mean. And according to the CBO score would cost tens of millions of people their healthcare while giving tax cuts to the wealthy. But to be balanced, f**k this guy.
He didn't even know what they put in the bill. He's not paying attention. Paul Ryan already said to excuse Trump's behavior, he's new to lawmaking and doesn't know what the f**k he's doing.
And maybe the worst part is he allegedly used to believe in universal healthcare. He said so on the Howard Stern Show and he wrote it in his book, The America We Deserve. Quote, So when he complains that the bill is mean and maybe we should throw a little more money at it, those are the earnest words of a great big birthday boy who's like, ah, that's mean. Unfortunately, he's also driven by pettiness and ignorance. The GOP made a terrible, cruel bill because they're morally bankrupt ghouls and instead of fighting to keep people from losing their healthcare, the Democrats are going to let the GOP fail by winning so maybe they'll pick up some seats next year and instead use political points to get the GOP to agree on stricter boogeyman powder. Sorry, I mean Russian sanctions. But then Trump started to hear stories of people losing their healthcare on cable news, which is how the president gets his information, and he was like, hey, that's mean. Because as he once wrote, we should not hear so many stories of families ruined by healthcare expenses. And maybe when he hears more of those stories, about 23 million more, he'll remember that he's conservative on most issues but liberal on this, and he'll just do his best to keep everyone f***ing healthy and alive.
And if you do it, I'll salute you, Mr. President, once. It is, after all, your birthday week. So let's get to the big day, June 14th.
What do you get for the man who has everything? Aww, that's mean. What else? That's cool. That's a nice gift from a foreign government to the president, which is against the law under the Constitution's emollients clause. This is a two-part gift, isn't it? Ah, I can't catch a break. Of course, guy also can't stop violating the Constitution's emollients clause, so... But there's got to be something good that happened on his birthday. I'll take it.
Fourteen more billionaires have signed on to the Giving Pledge, which is apparently a thing that exists, created by Bill and Melinda Gates and Warren Buffet in 2010 to help address society's most pressing problems by getting billionaires to pledge the majority of their wealth to philanthropic causes over their lifetime or upon their death. The pledge promises to shift the social norms of philanthropy toward giving more, giving sooner, and giving smarter over their lifetime or upon their death. And like, I don't want to just sit here and praise billionaires because no one person should have a billion dollars, but hey, this is still billions and billions of dollars eventually going towards poverty alleviation, education, healthcare research, climate change, and the environment. And that's still good, so thanks, billionaires. This has been Thanks, Billionaires Over Your Lifetimer Upon Your Death.
Here's some news. During a Congressional baseball practice, a maniac shot at two Republican congressmen. Both survived, though as of this taping, one remains in critical condition.
This is a pretty f***ed up thing that happened, and sure, we could cherry-pick examples of violent rhetoric from both sides, from people who were probably speaking figuratively and also don't represent either side. And we could condemn people who didn't take the time from their day to condemn this particular act of violence. And we could blame Bernie Sanders' call for peaceful revolution. And we could forget that time our president said he wanted to knock the crap out of a protester. And sure, we could talk about how, to be fair, Sean Hannity says when Democrats continue to dehumanize Republicans, the climate around the country becomes more than toxic. And to be balanced, less than a week earlier, he had it on the president's son to say that Democrats aren't people. And sure, we could talk gun safety and how most of these acts of violence come from people with a history of domestic abuse against women. And we could talk about how this is a mental health issue, and sure, we could talk about how the GOP is literally in the process of dismantling accessible and affordable health care. And I think we just did.
Here's some news. Shooting people is bad. And breaking news, don't shoot people. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Weekly_News_Bulletin_China_Memes_Victoria_Local_News_More_December_4 | You're listening to the Petuta Advocates weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the Petuta Advocate weekly news bulletin got all three of us from the newsroom in the studio today you got myself editor Clancy Overall we've got cadet Wendell Hussey we still call him cadet even though he is on a pretty handsome salary and of course we've got Errol Parker who is in strife at the misses and he won't tell us why let's gloss over that let's get on with this news bulletin because it's hotter than Clive Palmer's fucking gooch in this fucking new studio today so what do we got first Wendell?
We'll read in with a big international and national story and the headline on that one is one million Uyghurs in detention camps praise China's humanitarian stance on war crimes yes it was all teed off this week between Australia and China the CCP are firing up provocative memes and our government is blowing up using the whole thing is a perfect distraction from of course you know the war crimes and whatnot they've potentially ruined our relationship with China they're our biggest trading partner who we rely on the most and with all that back and forth going on the 1 million Uyghurs who are or have been in reeducation camps or labor camps in China's northwest have thrown their support behind the Chinese government they are reportedly hoping that this newfound desire to hold people to account for human rights abuses might result in them being released from their prisons I do not like their chances but there was a comment on that one from Ben Cooper who said Tibet also stands with their gentle peaceful diplomatic Chinese overlords and in another China story that had national ramifications Christmas is now ruined as China bans export of fake plastic dog shit and whoopee cushions you pen this one Errol yeah not good news is it while there are grave concerns for our economy given our biggest trading partner is progressively embargoing us it seems like our most important market has now crippled us as well that's right two of Australia's biggest exports the novelty prank objects that are whoopee cushions and that fake dog shit are no longer available to Australians less than three weeks out from Christmas looks like Australian kids will be getting some shitty gifts from the chemist or post office this year yeah well I'm in the doghouse because my wife discovered I was going to give her an automatic egg cooker that I bought at the post office that's got to be received better than the ironing board I tried to pull off last year what else is in the news Wendell well a story from down south and the headline is report Victoria has the last laugh for now that is but yes a few short months ago if you've been living under a rock or you had the coronavirus and were fucked in hospital with a couple tubes down your chest Victoria was letting the team down for all of us they were awash with the super flu and their selfish actions in letting it spread look to fuck everything for the rest of us in clean Australia but they've turned it around and as it's been confirmed they have had the last laugh so good on them they can have this one they should really focus on the big issues now like being able to celebrate Aboriginal footballers without booing at them for showing any form of pride in their culture what else have we got in the news Wendell there was a another state story from outside of Queensland that we had it was emo Gladys defies her conservative parents and begins transitioning to renewables at state levels yes the New South Wales Premier's transformation from hot mess Gladys to emo Gladys is now complete after Berejiklian officially moved from full-blown fraud to unveiling a plan to transition away from fossil fuels in New South Wales which her parents her conservative parents Peter Credlin and Scott Morrison were reportedly furious about yes the Berejiklian government's landmark renewable energy bill passed the New South Wales upper house this week after more than 30 hours of continuous debate and it is yet another blow for the federal government who is seeking to keep letting coal and gas lobbyists write our national energy policy and emo Gladys said this whole thing isn't just a phase so there might be more to come and in some local news from here in Batutah to round out the week a bottle shop worker has saved time by coward punching bloke buying little fat lamb while working the infamous Friday evening shift at Batutah's beer and goon Aaron Menzies noticed one customer was waiting to purchase two bottles of little fat lamb a legally grey alcoholic soft drink best known for being 8% alcohol and turning your spew pink so instead of letting the man purchase it he just walked straight up to him and punched him in the back of the head as hard as he could like he was a Gold Coast local who'd just been bumped at the bar yeah well it saved him from having to spend time drinking the stuff at about 8 bucks as well you know I think this is the stuff that Darren Hinch blew his first liver out with tastes like ginger ale I believe you'd know you're a young fellow Wendell yeah it does it does taste like ginger ale and we spoke to that man who was coward punched he was in quite a stable state afterwards and said he actually felt better being punched in the back of the head than he did if he would have actually drunk those bottles of little fat lamb so all's well that ends well he would have got punched anyway but yes he was able to you know avoid polluting his body with 8% alcohol and fortified wine and also glad to he didn't have to go and meet Charlie Tio down there in the big smoke to put his brain back together so uh all's well that ends well exactly Errol right that'll do us for this week thanks for tuning in we'll join you again in seven days time.
See ya.
Puck it on.
It was emo Gladys defies her conservative parents and begins transitioning to renewables at state levels yes the New South Wales Premier's transformation from hot mess Gladys to emo Gladys is now complete after Berejiklian officially moved from full-blown fraud to unveiling a plan to transition away from fossil fuels in New South Wales which her parents her conservative parents Peter Credlin and Scott Morrison were reportedly furious about yes the Berejiklian government's landmark renewable energy bill passed the New South Wales upper house this week after more than 30 hours of continuous debate and it is yet another blow for the federal government who is seeking to keep letting coal and gas lobbyists right our national energy policy and emo Gladys said this whole thing isn't just a phase so there might be more to come and in some local news from here in Batuta to round out the week a bottle shop worker has saved time by coward punching bloke buying little fat lamb while working the infamous Friday evening shift at Batuta's beer and goon Aaron Menzies noticed one customer was waiting to purchase two bottles of little fat lamb a legally grey alcoholic soft drink best known for being 8% alcohol and turning your spew pink so instead of letting the man purchase it he just walked straight up to him and punched him in the back of the head as hard as he could like he was a Gold Coast local who'd just been bumped at the bar yeah well it saved him from having to spend time drinking the stuff at about eight bucks as well you know I think this is the stuff that Darren Hinch blew his first liver out with tastes like ginger ale I believe you'd know you're a young fellow Wendell yeah it does it does taste like ginger ale and we spoke to that man who was coward punched he was in quite a stable state afterwards and said he actually felt better being punched in the back of the head than he did if he would have actually drunk those bottles of little fat lamb so all's well that ends well he would have got punched anyway but yes he was able to you know avoid polluting his body with 8% alcohol and fortified wine and also glad to he didn't have to go and meet Charlie Tio down there in the big smoke to put his brain back together so uh all's well that ends well exactly Errol right that'll do us for this week thanks for tuning in we'll join you again in seven days time see ya |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_kurt_and_deb_from_wyoming_on_rekindling_the_spark_snl | A new book aimed at helping married couples rekindle. The Spark in the Bedroom is showing up on several holiday must-have lists. here are its authors, Kurt and Deb from Wyoming. Hey guys, so why don't you tell us about how this book came about. Yeah, well, Deb and me have been married close to 20 years now. uh-huh. mm-hmm. things kind of fizzled out in bed. mm-hmm.
But we discovered my wife's got a talent for doing voices of famous people, so we took that into the bedroom. Oh, okay, so sort of like role-playing? Yeah, but with celebrities. for example, we'll show you our technique at work. baby, you want to show them?
Drew Barrymore? uh-huh. yeah, you're gonna like this. Oh my God, that feels amazing. You like that, Drew Barrymore? Yes, it's fantastic. yeah? How much? how much you like? so much.
Louder. come on. I'm blowing my mind. louder. come on. louder. I'm so orgasmic.
Whoo! yeah. I'm half-master on you. Yeah, I know. I know. I can. is that not a hole in his head? I can see. yeah, I know. we're all getting really turned on. Yeah, you are. uh-huh. right. horned on. uh-huh.
So Drew is a good girl, but she does bad girls, too, like that Russian con-artist lady from inventing Anna, you know? Drew. Anna Delvey for him. come on. uh, you're nothing, little boy. yeah. Yes, Miss Delvey's a dog. Yes, Miss Delvey. you're so weak and poor. Yeah. come on. please ruin my credit score. ruined my credit score. my old girlfriend is on the way. yeah, it is, Miss Delvey.
Yeah! all right. damn! thank you. that's great. yeah, I just. the best. Yeah. I'm curious. easy. I'm just.
I'm curious. how many voices does she do? Man, I think I made love to about a thousand celebrities at this point. I mean, last night I was with Miss Meryl Streep, little baby.
Oh, okay. uh-oh. I gotta use a prop. Yeah, you can use a prop.
Oh. oh, well, you know. Oh, well, that's delicious. Yeah? Oh, well, it's utterly divine. Oh, you're so talented. Oh, wow.
I was like. I was like, music. yeah. oh, hey. yeah. I finished! there it is. Whoo!
I got a question. does she do any black ones? no, she does not. But she can do, what's her name? Scarlett Johansson. do you know her? I do. yeah, you know her? yes. have you seen. oh, what's that movie? under her skin? I think it's under the skin. under the skin. of course you know what it's called. look at you Correcting me.
24 minutes, 11 seconds. Whoo! Okay. all right. Do Scarlett. Okay. hey, I'm married to Colin, but I need a real man. Yeah. yeah, you do. what, you get over here, Black Widow. come on, Black Widow. come on. this Spider Bites Kong. Thanks. thank you. I think we're good on that one. I just want to point out, Kurt, it does seem like Deb kind of does all the work while you just sort of reap the benefits. Okay. yeah. I'm not as good at voices as Deb, but I can't say like one thing as a few cartoon characters. And Deb, bless her heart, she got into it, didn't he? Uh-huh. uh-huh.
Now, do Mr. Burns. Do Mr. Burns. Excellent.
Yeah, bitch.
Now, do Shaggy from Scooby-doo. Oh, you want shaggy? do you deserve it?
I just like the world. Thank you so much, Deb and Kurt from Wyoming. you'll be good. |
SaturdayNightLive | dua_lipa_monologue_snl | It's great to be back in 30 Rock. I actually made my Us Tv debut eight years ago downstairs on the Tonight Show. So this building does feel a lot like home. tonight, because my parents are here in the audience. as you can see, they're kind of cool. they love to party. one night I was out with my friends and we ended up at the club at 3 o'clock in the morning. And who do I bump into but my parents? which was embarrassing because the last thing you want to see when you're super high and drunk off your ass is your daughter. They've always been so supportive. they let me move from Kosovo to London when I was just 15 to start my career and now my third album just dropped and it's called Radical Optimism.
Ask me what Radical optimism means. to me, it's like looking on the bright side of any situation. Here, I'll show you. Someone, tell me a problem you're having. Yes, you sir. Hi, my wife left me because during sex I accidentally called her mom. Well, on the bright side, now you'll have more time to spend with your mom. See, Radical Optimism. Okay, someone else, you. Yes, hello Dua. Yesterday I went to the doctor and she said, yes, my doctor is a woman. Anyway, that bitch said I had to stop drinking. Well, on the bright side, there's always poppers. See, you can put a positive spin on anything. Yes, you.
Hi, I'm self-deporter Governor Kristi Noem. no, no, no. sorry. I can't have problems, even me. there's people online who say Dua Lipa is always on vacation, which is totally wrong because I'm British, so we call it a holiday. And there's people who called my dancing lazy and said, go girl, give us nothing. But I didn't give you nothing.
I gave you the greatest meme of all time. And now I'm here, I'm hosting, I'm performing, I'm making the wigs, I'm dealing adderall to the writers, I'm doing it all. So tonight, I promise you, I'm going to give you everything. |
cracked | psychology_myths_you_believe_thanks_to_movies_the_cracked_podcast | We're sure to see you in the middle of the crack time. What's up, UCB Sunset?
The head of Cracked Video, the legs that just won't quit. Mr. Daniel O'Brien. The legs that just won't quit, the legs that just won't quit.
The rest of you has been laid off. I'm sorry to inform you.
And joining us this week, a professor of marketing and psychology at the University of Colorado at Boulder. He regularly appears on the BBC and Wired and the WSJ, which I believe is the Wall Street Journal. Please welcome Dr. Peter McGraw. Thanks for being here.
Today we're talking about the 20 greatest nutshots in movie history. Let's roll that reel.
No, we're talking about psychology, obviously. I feel like it's the thing that we make the most bullsh** assumptions about just in our daily lives. And I think most of our information comes from common sense, BuzzFeed quizzes. The jacker is right about our general willingness to accept almost like if I see any movie or TV show where someone says, according to psychology, this is what you're supposed to do now. I believe that. I unconditionally believe it.
Yeah, I think most of what I know is the sopranos and Frasier. How much of your education is Frasier-based? Like 1%, actually, yeah.
Yeah, I think it's so appealing because we all want to know not only why we do what I often look myself in the mirror and go, what the hell are you doing, man? Why are you doing any of the things you're doing? And I assume you all do that every morning and night as well. I do. I also wonder why you're doing what you're doing.
What the f**k is Michael doing? What the f**k is he doing, buddy?
One of the big ones that I wanted to kick things off with is how memory works. In movies, memory just tends to be like a slightly grainy black and white version of exactly what happened. And then you can access details of what happened by getting hit on the head or having somebody tell Jason Bourne the right sentence. Right. It's been normalized by shows like House and Monk and Psych, where someone is trying to remember something. And then they're just like, remember harder. And then it goes into black and white. And he's like, oh, that's right.
There was this mouse on the floor that was holding up a sign that said, I'm guilty. I've never seen Monk.
I assume that's what it's like. But how did you just spoil the finale? What is that point where you're like, Peter, you must know something about the fallibility of, let's say, eyewitness testimony, or just the fallibility of memory in general. And I think it's pretty shocking for people who haven't heard how fallible the human memory is. It's terrifying, actually, yeah. The notion that we rely on eyewitnesses, the fact that we haven't changed the system knowing what we know about how much you can influence a witness and how much they want to remember, they're not comfortable saying, I don't remember. And so they essentially do their best to recreate things. But they don't know they're doing that. So that's the tricky thing, is that we think we can do the thing they do in the movies where you're like, oh, yeah, okay, now I have that detail. But you're just fucking making that up. Yeah, I mean, it's not random, right? The idea is that there are, these are sort of plausible memories, right? So they're built on scripts, they're built on prior knowledge, there's, and as I said, they can be suggestible. So Elizabeth Loftus has done, I think, some of the best work in this area, shows how kind of easy it is to plant memories into people's mind, and even just describing a situation with a different word, when the two cars hit versus crashed, changes the details of what people actually recall seeing, broken glass on the ground, and so on in this way. Just as a shout out, I'll shout out Darren Brown, who's like a hypnotist slash magician, and so much of hypnotism, I feel like, was people fumbling around and stumbling upon all these ways to hotwire the memory programs, and rather than studying it and becoming the branch of knowledge that we call psychology, there's a subset of people who are like, I'll just fuck with people with this, things we figured out. And yeah, just any video with Darren Brown, there's a great thing with Simon Pegg, where he asks Simon Pegg what he always wanted for Christmas as a boy, and after a long conversation, basically gets implanted in his brain, an elaborately detailed story, that he wanted a red bike with a particular handle and seat, and they bring it out, and they're like, well, happy Merry Christmas, and he's like, the reality is you didn't want that, that is not a real story from your childhood, I have it scripted here, and I slowly got, and yet seeing that, and hearing this, and I've seen things about memory many times, I still don't believe it, I'm like, I wouldn't fall for it, like everyone thinks they wouldn't fall for that. But Michael, don't you remember that time you and I were together in India, and you fell for it?
Oh, very well. Yeah, no, of course, yeah.
Elizabeth Loftus, one of her experiments is, there's a more reasonable one, where she gets people to remember seeing Bugs Bunny at Disney World, even though Bugs Bunny's not a Disney property, and so they couldn't have seen him, but then there's one where she gets- And then she's like, got you, idiot! Loftus! Loftus out?
There's another one where she gets people to remember going up in a hot air balloon, even though they've never been in a hot air balloon before. That seems so objectively quantifiable. See, I'm learning this for the first time, and I'm not too scared, because it sounds like it's just this person, Elizabeth Loftus, who's using this special power to fuck with people about Disneyland and balloons, but should I be worried? Are cops and lawyers taking advantage of this? Do they know this before I did? And are- I feel like trying to- Is there a lawyer that's like the best in the country at tricking people?
Nowadays, what happens is you hire experts who then take the stand and then talk about how you can't rely on this expert, on this, excuse me, on this eyewitness testimony. That's such a crazy evolution of trials, that like, I'm gonna bring up my witness who was there, and he's gonna tell you what happened. Okay, counter-witness, my person is gonna talk about how memory is a lie, everything is bullshit, you can't try that. Just like a scientist comes up, it's like, they didn't see any of that shit. Special surprise witness, philosopher who'll explain why justice is imaginary.
Like, it's not even a concept, why are we here? They're just gonna bring up David Blaine, who's gonna be like, look, there's a card in your mouth, see, nothing's real, it's fine. So you were talking about seeing the stuff in movies and TV and so on. And so really, what it seems to me is, is that you have writers who are perpetuating myths, and then you have viewers who never question the myths.
And so then- Just shit on everyone in the room, Peter, great. And that's also, I think, an interesting linked part of the equation, because we talked about people on the stand, and authority seems to be, and there's a lot of studies about that, I'd love to hear your take on Peter, but how true is it, basically like, my basic skim knowledge of psychology, is that anyone will do anything if you're wearing a lab coat. Like that test where they have you shock someone in the other room, and if you're in street clothes, most people eventually go, I'm not, no, I'm not gonna shock the person. And if you're the same guy in a lab coat, they'll be like, I'm sorry, sir, yes. Are they dead yet? There's lots and lots of work that show that people in positions of authority does have an influence on how people behave, that we do tend to follow. And if you think about it, you're raised to do that. Obey your teachers, obey this, you know? And so we're really just following a script that we learned really early on.
This is a thing I've been sitting on for a while, and I don't know what to do with it. It's one of the least responsible and ethical things that my middle school back in New Jersey has ever done. It was a school that was sixth, seventh and eighth grade, those three years, and the way the curriculum lined up, we were all learning about the Holocaust at the same time.
The administration decided that one day they would pick a minority of students and make them wear green badges and call them greenies, and actively encouraged anyone who wasn't a greenie to be mean to and exclude the greenies. You were a greenie. I was a greenie. Yeah. Because the story can't be, I wasn't a greenie, I was a Nazi, and I loved it. Like, that's a bad story, it can't be that. So I wore a green badge for a day, and we were forced to sit together. All the greenies were stuck together in classes and at lunch, and students were throwing forks and food at greenies, and like, get out of here, greenies! The way that, I'm, I mean, no. It's not your fault, thank you. Jake, I asked if any filthy greenies were gonna be on the panel, and you told me no. And I don't, I don't understand why this experiment was conducted, because you're not gonna learn anything when you tell a 13-year-old who's, like, furiously horny and doesn't know what to do with his body, hey, just for today, you could be mean to anyone who's got this thing, and they're gonna learn that feels good. And the rest of us, like, the next day, it was like, all right, what did everyone learn? It was like, yeah, on behalf of the greenies, I think it would've been tough being Jewish during the Holocaust.
I already thought that. But thanks for teaching me that. My friend Joe, whom I used to play basketball with, is, like, a green sticker away from throwing knives at me. And was Joe like, actually, my position softened a little now that.
So what do I do with that information? So this comes up in movies all the time, is any sort of drama that involves a psychiatrist or a therapist, is you have to talk through your childhood problems, and, you know, really, the best thing you can do is move on from it. Revisiting these things and going back and looking at them constantly continues to upset you. One of the best coping mechanisms is to say, oh, things have changed. That was me when I was a kid. I moved on, and, like, there's this idea of talking through all these mechanisms. I'm like, greeny no more. That's actually, I mean, we had a lot of fun here today. That's a true thing, because that is so, every movie and TV show psychiatrist or therapist is like, get down into your family, figure out what thing happened when you were a child.
I mean, what's your rosebud sled? And you're saying, won't this lie to me? I should be careful, because I only have 1% of Fraser's training. You're basically Niles, then. Well, I guess. I'm basing a lot of this off of work on what's called affect regulation.
How do people cope with bad circumstances in their life? Bad situations, negative emotions. Usually, like, focusing a lot on the cause of those negative emotions is not a great way to deal with negative emotions.
There's lots of other great ways to do it, and so in that way, I'm making a case for why. Yeah, one that I really definitely wanted to get to that I've always, I believed was true, just because it seemed so plausible, is if you're angry, punch a pillow. And then, I was like, that seems to make sense. You exhaust yourself in a harmless way. Couple years ago, someone pointed out, actually, you sort of get in the habit of doing the things you routinely do, so setting aside time to actively focus on your anger is likely to make you sort of addicted to having sessions of anger. I was like, that also sounds true.
What do I punch, Peter? Wow, that's a hard one. So, did you know when you came on this podcast that you were gonna help us work through all of our shit? I think it's about time, let's get my dad out here, actually, we had some shit to work out.
So, certainly, trying to suppress negative emotions backfires, and then, certainly, acting on anger is not a great way to deal with anger. What I think the average person doesn't realize, but does, oftentimes, is they have a whole menu of things that you can do to deal with, let's say, anger. So, there's things like reappraising the situation that made you angry. So, if it's here in LA, it's driving, is it then taking a more kind perspective on the person who just cut you off? So, that's one way to, you alleviate the thing that has made you unhappy. Is it distraction, or is it that you do something enjoyable? So, there's actually a whole bunch of different things that you can do when faced with negative emotions. Meditation is actually a really great way to, because it basically removes thoughts from your mind. Probably after you get where you're driving, right? You don't want to just go directly into the meditation. One of the things is, nothing seems as important as it is while you're thinking about it, right? So, while you're thinking about something, that seems like the most important thing in the world. So, one of the best coping mechanisms is just to think about something else, because emotions are connected to things. What ends up happening is, there's a situation that creates a negative emotion, and then that thing goes away, and then the question becomes, does this negative emotion become a mood?
So, Kitty Genovese. Yeah. Oh, that'll perk the podcast right up. Yes, multiple stabbing victim, Kitty Genovese. Do we have a clip? Yeah. Two synops signs, just in case. Poor woman named Kitty Genovese or Genovese stabbed outside her apartment building.
The legend of the case study, and that's what I don't even know if it's actually accurate, is that many people witnessed the stabbing from their windows, no one called the police, and I believe the thesis they gathered, or maybe they gathered multiple things from that. Everyone thought someone else would call the police, right, and there's this diffusion effect of if you live in a society, especially a society where you literally see other people around you, you're like, well, society will take care of it. And then we're all monsters, I guess. And that's been debunked, or is the jury still? I've heard controversy about it on both sides. Right, a lot of people did call the cops, and the debunking story that I read was like, some people did call the cops, and others yelled at the attacker out the window.
I was like, that's not enough. That doesn't make me feel better. You better stop. Hey, leave her alone. He didn't do it, he's still doing it. Something's on TV. Get out of here, you greedy. I feel like it's a- Stan was just walking by, that was unruh.
It seems like it's a true effect. I think they've proven that this actually happens in laboratory settings, and the story was just an exaggerated story. Yeah, so I think what happens, I think it often happens, psychologists, they notice things in the world, and they say, oh, that's something I should study that. Why does that happen? So the Kitty Genovese story led to a whole series of studies about diffusion of responsibility, and how this notion of the more people who are present in a time of crisis, in a moment of crisis, the less the likelihood that any one person will step up. So basically, you have a heart attack, the best situation to be in is to have one person there, because a person has to do something about it. As you start adding people, then the likelihood that any one person's going to act goes down in that way. I'd love to see the one instance where they just had two, and they're like, you do it, you take care of me.
I don't want to do it.
So the best science does, I think, the following things is that it takes what we already know about human behavior, and then builds a theory about why it is the case that this, for instance, diffusion of responsibility will occur. Real world observations come first. You see something, you think it's a theory, and then you test it. I've done both where I've kind of noticed something in the world and say, ah, you know, that seems, that's strange, that's peculiar. But then I've also used theories to make new predictions, but I think mostly it's folks who just sort of know humans really well. It's going, wait, that's weird. There was something that came out recently about why people look like their dogs. That study comes from people going to the dog part, and Jerry looks like his dog, and Jane looks like her dog. Why is that kind of a thing?
I mean, it has to do with, tell us, what did they find out? I actually, I think I know the answer to it. First, I can tell you how you go about trying to find that out, right?
So for instance, you give people a choice of, you give them pictures of dogs, and say, which of these dogs would you choose? Then you show pictures of the people and the dogs to other folks, and rate how similar they are, to find out, for instance, do people, are they drawn to dogs that look like them?
And what is it about the looks that are the same? And I think it has to do with the eyes. Like the eyes, I don't know.
Someone Google that. I'm not sure if that's true, but that's my vague recollection. That's what I love about these studies, too, is psychology is so rooted in the real world that the studies will involve whatever, like mothers being able to identify their baby by the cry amongst other babies crying. And there's the one where it's like a series of people sniff the underarms of worn shirts and try to identify which one is their significant other. So I just love that psychology experiments could literally be like, you take the five bucks, you walk in and they're like, start smashing these grapes with that hammer. Why? It doesn't matter, we're gonna know something. You really like the idea of a probably stoned 20-year-old walking into a room for five dollars and they're like, which one of these dogs looks like which one of these people? And they're just like, fuck it, this too. See, I love, because I was a poor student and I'd be like, this I can do. This?
You say it's probably stoned, but I really do feel like that is a hidden bias in the experiments, because it's not just that they're college students, it's that they're college students who are bored enough to be like, yeah, I wanna do this. And somebody actually came out from the Stanford Prison Experiment, which we haven't talked about yet, but is total bullshit. Hold on, Jack, did we just get a woo from the audience? Yeah, from the Stanford Prison Experiment. The experiment that proved at least to pop culture that man can be made into a hateful war machine.
One of the guards came out later and was like, first of all, the guy who organized it was stage directing us the whole time. He was like, so what we're gonna wanna do is just think about it as you're all powerful and they're weak. I'm like, that was the guy running the experiment. So they knew exactly what he wanted them to do, but the guy who wrote about it 20 years later was like, and I was stoned the whole time. I brought joints in, gave them to the prisoners. So everybody was just baked out.
This is why my job is so difficult. Right. Colorado Boulder. Wait, because you stoned all the time? I find myself defending science over here, but I'll do it again. So, but no, I feel the same way.
This table is the science table. We're under attack tonight. All right, we have not debunked that many myths, so we're gonna do a lightning round. You just say myth or not.
We asked you to bring a gong and a bell. Did you bring those?
Five stages of grief? No. Yeah. There's way more stages, is that right? They happen all at the same time sometimes. They don't happen in order.
And also the original study was done by a woman describing people accepting their own death, but somehow it got transposed over to people getting through. Any grief, like any trauma, the death of a loved one. Your dog doesn't look as much like you as you would have liked.
The Mozart effect, that you play Mozart for children. Oh, like unborn babies? Yeah, Mozart did improve the children, like you said.
Blur was better. The band Blur did better.
So it's just like any sort of stimulation. What if I play my kid Lim Bizkit in the womb? What happens then?
They stay. They refuse to come out of the world.
Cult members are stupid, gullible sheep. What do you think? I was a representative of the science table. I think sheep and people are like a totally different thing, so.
Correct, that is right. A theory that compelled me was like, the more intelligent you are, you'd think that means the better you are at seeing truth, but the reality is that the more able you are to build any kind of structure that you want to defend the beliefs that you choose to believe. You're right, there's actually been work on this. It's called motivated reasoning. This is actually, for me as a psychologist, one of the most fascinating things is that if you want something to be, if you believe something, you're incredibly good at attacking ideas to go against it and very good at making reasons for why this is the case. And so in that way, more intelligent people are better at motivated reasoning. And so they actually are harder to persuade with actual sometimes facts and so on when they have a belief that they already exist. You nailed that.
Have you thought about joining a PhD program? Do you want to join the science lab tables?
Yeah.
Subliminal messages, like in Fight Club when he has the single frame of a dick and the kids start crying. Like how in our show, how we always cut in the sound of a dick, very briefly. Right, I need to pause again briefly because in the same way that you said stand for prison experiment and someone went, whoo, as soon as you said single frame of dick, someone in the audience went, nah.
It's actually the stuff around us all the time, the Nike swooses and all the advertising and all that kind of stuff. That stuff does work. That is seeing a Nike swoosh over and over again actually makes you like Nike more.
Electroshock treatment is a savage primitive treatment It sounds that way, but not so much. Right. Yeah, not so much. Yeah, it's actually still used and I don't know.
Having seen one flew over the cuckoo's nest, I was like, why would you do that to somebody? And doesn't it just make him into a vegetable? He gets shocked. No, from the movie anyway, the shocking doesn't do anything to him, but they do like a lobotomy to him. That's what turns him to a vegetable.
Yeah, that's also harmless. Yeah. Well, we only use 10% of our brain, so you can take a lot out of it. Oh my God.
I'd like to try to end on a little bit more of a positive note if we can, only because obviously we're talking about debunking myths and so on in this way, but I do think that this kind of thing is actually a very healthy thing to do, but what ends up happening is the kind of classic two steps forward, one step back kind of thing. And when you look at how far we've come as a society due to science, we can make a pretty good case for science, right? So whether it be vaccinations or just understanding depression and actually I think the notion about the work that's being done with eyewitness testimony, in the long run, it's sort of upsetting to think that we're not as good at this thing and that we have systems of justice built around it. But if it, if done well, eventually it'll make our lives better, right? Safer and more efficient and happier and so on in that kind of way. And so the problem with science is that it's messy and it's slow, but I do believe that eventually, you know, it wins out in that way.
I find it reassuring how easy it is to get away with murder. I think that's good news for me. This was almost such a positive note. But it wasn't funny, so that's good. All right, thank you guys for coming out. I appreciate it.
Dan, did you have something? I was gonna do a bit about getting hit in the head. If you get hit in the head, we know that it won't jog your memory, but would it transform you into an Italian sports car driver? It was a, I was considering not doing it because that's like a deep cut Flintstones joke. But you asked me if I had anything to say.
And that's the scientific consensus from table science. Thank you guys. Thank you everyone. |
SaturdayNightLive | people_s_court_bad_hair_day_snl | You're watching people's court. In today's case, Marlene Davis is suing her former hairdresser for $3,000 in damages after she received, quote, the haircut from Hell. this is the defendant, Shauna James, who is countersuing for $2,000, claiming she is not responsible and, quote, God don't like ugly. all rise for the honorable Judge Harris. good day, everyone. you may be seated. All right, Ms. Davis, your complaint is that you received a bad haircut from the defendant, but from what I can see, it looks fine. Your honor, it is not fine.
Look at this. right here, all day, every day. God Damn!
Let the record show: Ms. Davis is revealing her exposed brain. Your honor, that is Not my fault. she came up in my shop looking a mess. I cleaned her ass up. Girl, my brain is out of my damn head. this injury has been a nightmare. I lost my job at the zoo because the ghost kept licking my brain and getting sick from my spinal fluid. Um, your honor, let the record show, she lying. she loves it. I saw her at the club last night, brain down, ass up.
No, I wasn't. Yes, she was. How else am I supposed to dance? Yes, she was.
Okay, order. order. that's how it went down, your honor. All right, Ms. Davis. it appears that now, more than anything, you need to go to a hospital.
Okay, first off, no. I can't let my ex-boyfriend see me like this. he works in the hospital. Yeah, he probably just an Rn. uh-uh, don't get it twisted. he gets paid to give blood. But irregardless, I can't let him see me like this.
Well, it looked like it hurt. Well, it looked like you need to mind your damn business. it's just embarrassing. And when it's windy out, I can feel my memories being blown away. how on earth did it get this bad? uh-uh. let me explain, your honor.
I can explain. She came up to me in my salon and said, make me look like this. Okay, let the record show that that is a photo of Marge Simpson from the show The Simpsons. Yes. This woman's hair loss is no fault of mine, your honor.
I have a plethora of happy clients. Exhibit A, my most loyal client. she been coming to me for three years. Janelle White, longtime client of the defendant. um, um, hello, your honor. I just want to say that Shauna has never done me wrong, Okay? I-i would never go to anyone else.
I stop traffic, okay? mm-hmm, mm-hmm. not for the reasons you think. Now, Mrs. White, tell me, has your hairline always started in the past? Oh, snap. oh, snap. Okay, hold on. Okay, all right.
Well, if you're just gonna be disrespectful, I'm just gonna leave then. Oh, my God. But I don't even know why I came here. Can someone blow on the back of my brain so I can just forget today? I got you, girl. your honor, she needs to pay us. Oh, no, you're not getting one red cent. that's the color of pennies, dummy. Okay, well, I don't know that, because that part of my brain is gone. well, you wasn't using it anyway. I was about to use part of my foot to put it in your. in my wood. in my wood.
Now, I am not sure who needs to pay who, but I hope all involved go to hell when they die. I ain't saying die now, but whenever you do, I hope hell is where you go.
But I tell you what, I'm about to go. Chillies. That's right. I'm about to check out that two-for-two. Peace. |
cracked | the_best_movies_ever_got_screwed_at_the_oscars_today_s_topic | What? No. No, no, no. Oh god, is it another 9-11? Basically.
I can't believe the Dark Knight didn't get nominated for Best Picture. Why didn't it at least get all five nominations for Best Original Screenplay?
A Lifetime Achievement Award for the motorcycle? Something! Okay, are you about to complain about the Academy Awards for an hour like you're going through a bitter divorce? I gave it the best years of my life. Award shows are pointless. Oh, they're point full. You are complaining about an award system that has never gotten anything right.
1974, the best actor race is between Al Pacino, as Michael Corleone in The Godfather II, and Nicholson in Chinatown. Neither of them win. And why not? Because Art Carney picked that year to play an old man going on a road trip with his cat in Harry and Tonto. I mean, hell, the cat that played Tonto was favored to win Best Supporting Actor. The fact that Robert De Niro won for his betrayal of young Vito?
Huge upset. That can't be true. No, it was an absurd lie that you believed for a second.
And why? Because award ceremonies are... Point less. Art Carney got that award because they thought he was old and it was his last chance, thereby screwing Pacino out of a deserved award. But don't feel too bad, because in 1992, old Pacino gets his award for playing who?
Whoa!
Old Al won, thereby screwing Denzel out of the Oscar he should have gotten for a sensitive portrayal of Malcolm X. Of course, don't worry about Denzel because they kicked him a pity Oscar for Training Day later on. The Academy sucks at meritocracy, okay? And this we know 10 months out of the year. We just seem to forget between now and Oscar night. I have a solution. Oh god, is it another 9-11? Put the Oscars on a five-year delay.
See, right now, it's 2009, so we celebrate what comes out in 2008. We should be celebrating what came out in 2003. What came out in 2003?
Mystic River, City of God, Lost in Translation, Kill Bill, Finding Nemo. Who won? The third largest rings movie. See, I do not understand how that could be allowed to win and not Dark Knight. Dark Knight's clearly going to be the best of Nolan's Batman trilogy. I will safely predict from now here in the year 2009. Return of the King was the worst rings movie.
Even when their heads in the right place, they still blow it. 2003 also saw the amazing Royal Tenenbaum's lose best original screenplay to Gosford Park. Memento, 2, Lost Out. Guy Pearce, Carol Burnett, Alan Rickman, none of them have Academy Award nominations to their name. The movie Crash has 6. Gosford Park was a solid move that you completely forgot about until I said its title. All of these decisions look ridiculous within a few years, just like our decision to not nominate Dark Knight will look ridiculous in 2014. Good idea, in theory, in practice, no one in entertainment wants to wait that long to dress up fancy and give each other golden statues.
I mean, you just basically killed Miramax. You just killed a lot of your favorite movies. Miramax. I didn't kill Miramax. I didn't kill movies. I killed awards season. You buffoon. I killed movies that only get made because they appeal to the nine Harvard alums that preside over the voting.
Talent finds a way. That can't be right.
Pulp Fiction versus Shawshank Redemption becomes the showdown it deserves to be and not the year Forrest Gump swept. Goodfellas doesn't lose to Dances with Wolves. Scorsese doesn't lose to Costner.
Know what I like about your idea? That it puts an end to genre snobbery and Raiders beats Chariots of Fire. And leaves potential for an amazing perfect comedy to get the respect it deserves in its day. Historical perspective. Jaws, my favorite movie, can someday be recognized for the unmitigated work of genius that it is. Even more important, historical perspective. Do the right thing.
White critics were confused that Spike Lee would make a movie about race riots in 1989. Less so a few years later when the L.A. riots happened. 1989's actual best picture winner, Driving Miss Daisy. Yikes, really? A bemused black driver learns a valuable lesson to appreciate sassy white racism for the charming cultural artifact that it is.
You know, let's just get back to predicting what's going to happen in the next Batman movie, huh? We had to guess I'd say the plot would be so convoluted and of its own ass that it's generally the whole thing is just unsatisfying. Plus the actor they get to play Bane will do a weird voice that gets endlessly mocked like that's the important thing. Nah, right? Christopher Nolan. He wouldn't, would he? Man doesn't know how to make a bad movie. Why would they do that? Well, it's not gonna be that. That's a stupid analogy. |
SaturdayNightLive | shopping_at_home_network_mark_hamill_for_sale_snl | We are back here at the shop at Home Network. I'm Don West. and I'm Andy Lewis. And we still have another four hours to go on our Star Wars Bonanza. That is right, Don.
And this Star Wars merchandise has been flying out the door like crazy. it certainly has. Unfortunately, we were completely sold out of the Jawa ashtrays. Yeah. well, that is beautiful. that is gorgeous. you really missed out on that. But we are sold out of those. Yeah. no more Jawa ashtrays. if we still have 50 Star Wars baseball card collections left.
And that includes the Chewbacca. If he played for the Brewers card. that is lovely. he's a second baseman there. Yeah, beautiful. that's a good looking card. that's the winner. right now, we want to bring out an item, which we have only one of. And this is pretty much the ultimate Star Wars collectible. by far. Jeff, why don't you bring out the item if you could.
What do we got here? Well, I'm going to show you. Yeah, what do we got here? we're going to show you. this is the actual Mark Hamill. Oh, yeah. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but apparently we kidnapped him and forced him at gunpoint, which allows us to sell him. right. Yeah. gotta do what you gotta do. How's it going, everybody?
Now, how much is this item going for? Beautiful item. I'm going to tell you, this item, are you ready, is going for $80,000. that was a deal. Now, ordinarily, you're going to pay 100 grand for Mark Hamill. at least. This is a great item.
I mean, if you're at home, you could make your own Star Wars sequels with a camcorder. Sure. you can make them interact with your own Star Wars action figures, also. Also, yeah. or you can just have them stand on the lawn and wave to neighbors.
Hey, now, wait a minute, you guys. that wasn't part of the agreement. I specifically said no waving.
Absolutely. I mean, just listen to him say, may the Force be with you. Go on, Mark. wait a minute. I didn't even say that in the movie. Just say it, Mark. let's do it. say it. May the Force be with you.
Wow. Fantastic.
Okay. wait, I think we have a buyer. Yeah. hello, caller. Yeah, I'm thinking about buying this guy, but I want to make sure he's the real thing.
Can you make him say, Luke, I am your Father? Wait a minute, caller. Now, I didn't say that. Darth Vader said it. Just play ball, Hamill. let's do it. just play ball. All right. Luke, I am your father.
I'm sorry, man. that sucked. Okay. that was your loss.
Okay. people out there may be worried because they're wondering where they're going to keep a Mark Hamill. Yeah. he's easy to care for. go ahead and tell him, Mark. Well, I can live in the basement and I mainly eat bread and apples. that sounds like no hassle at all. no problem. and think about it. you can ask Luke Skywalker all the questions you always wanted to ask him. Yeah. like this. Hey, Luke. is C-3po gay? No. he was a robot. or like this. Hey, Luke. what was Yoda really like? Great question. what are you talking about? he was a puppet. of the Empire? no way.
I never knew that.
Okay. I think this is it. Hello, caller. caller. make him say, I love the smell of napalm in the morning. Yeah. no, come on. that was apocalypse now. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. say, sit on it like Fonzie. Yeah. yeah. hey, sit on it. say, I'm kissing your neck and you're my love tool. Okay, caller. we got to move on. Okay. listen up, people. let's see. forget that. he's Luke Skywalker. this is a human being. we're selling it here.
Hell, you can make him lift heavy objects for you. Yeah. or you can just make him dust the house in a French-made outfit.
Hello, caller. what's your name and where are you from?
Harrison Ford. Hollywood. Hey, Harrison. thank God.
Yeah, you guys already stuck me with the Bruce Boxlighter. had to put him to sleep. are you sure that's really him? we guarantee. Oh, come on. of course it's me. we worked together three times. come on. what the hell? I'll take him. Oh, right. yeah. that was totally sold out. Next up, next up, we're going to be offering Kenny Baker, the guy who was inside R2-d2, for only $3,000. $3,000! I said Kenny Baker! |
dropout | crash_cab_where_the_drivers_are_the_contestants | New York cab drivers know the best ways to get around the city, but how much do they know about pop culture? It's time for Crash Cab! Crash Cab! Who pays for the cab? We'll pay for the cab.
Okay.
Let's hail the cab! Whoo! How you doing? Welcome to Crash Cab, Reverse Cash Cab, where cab drivers compete to earn a bigger fare by answering trivia questions. This is Celebrity Crash Cab, hosted by supermodel Nina Agdal.
Agdal? Agdal.
Sorry. All right. Take it away. All right!
Yeah! That's right! Keep it going.
Which of these is not a character on the hit TV show Girls? Are you a Girls fan? HBO Girls? You know some Girls?
It's Garlock. Garlock. It's Garlock Wizard.
Oh, what's that? Oh, geez. Oh, God. We need something. Shh. Something happening. Your bumper is for her. Is the bumper? Yeah. Oh, my spinner. Right here, sir. Oh, my God. What a ridiculous-looking car to be stuck in on the side of the road.
Joseph was doing so well. Joseph was really killing it. Did Joseph fix it?
Yes. He's going to start all over again. You don't want to do this anymore? No, I don't want to lose the one that I got. Hey, you're the one who you got. You ready for the next one? Uh-huh.
Phasing, you're killing it right now. What is a nae nae, a type of dance, a type of snack, a term of endearment for someone you love? Someone you love. Oh, sorry. Oh, my God. It's a dance. I bet you there are people who call, like, their grandma nae nae.
Yeah. partial credit. Yes. You get it. One more. Just give him one more to redeem himself.
Yeah. Yeah, correct.
Where's the fireworks? You're supposed to be, like, something like explosion.
Congratulations, Joseph. This is Joseph.
You are a crash cab champion. Here are your winnings. Just a big wad of cash. Love you. Thank you.
How do you feel right now? Oh, I feel great. Like a dream. Hey, guys. It's Murph from College Humor. If you like that, check out my new show, Middle of the Night Show, Thursdays at 11 on MTV, starting October 8th, and help me get some of that sweet, sweet TV green. Right now, I only got, like... |
ClickHole | someone_mashed_up_panda_with_the_milkman_s_anthem_and_it_s_everything | You n***a pull up your panda Honeykillers on the stand What belongs in the house?
Credit cards and the scammers Hittin' the licks in the bank What does not belong inside the town? |
TheOnion | Deadly_Virus_Sweeping_China_Is_Just_Olympic_Fever | The Chinese government stepped forward today with a statement on the sickness that has hospitalized hundreds of citizens in recent days. Correcting a UN statement that had called the disease a highly contagious strain of avian flu, Chinese officials identified it as Olympic fever. Olympic fever is caused by the thrill of seeing the world's best athletes come together in one magical event. There is no need for alarm. Officials said the disease is characterized by high fever.
Large pus-filled blisters on the skin, difficulty breathing, and an overwhelming urge to cheer on the world's greatest athletes on the grandest stage of all. While the illness may appear painful, officials say Olympic fever is actually incredibly fun to contract. There's gleaming and writhing in happiness. Zhang Lu, who lives 30 miles from Beijing, was the first person to be diagnosed with Olympic fever. I have more sores than anyone in my neighborhood. The doctors tell me I must love the Olympics the most.
This morning officials honored Zhang Lu by burning his home in a symbolic recreation of the Olympic torch. The government has rewarded other patriotic citizens as well. Those showing the most advanced stages of Olympic fever are being systematically taken away at night to see a special sneak preview of the closing ceremonies.
Maybe I'll be next to go. I wish I were there. Looks like an awful lot of fun. |
SaturdayNightLive | dressing_room_tour_with_chloe_troast_and_molly_kearney_snl | What is up y'all? I'm here. 25 minutes to dress rehearsal. my name is Khloe Trost. this is me and Molly's dressing room. let's check it out. Hey Molly! Alright, so I hate to say it. we're not the best decorators. Why? that's gorgeous in here. So we have this. it says hot Set. that's Molly. found it in the trash. awesome sauce. these are, I think, our first cards that ever had. Our first few cards, right? Love. Squad. We got our dog Lebron on here. come on! we got, uh, what's this one? Do not panic. just don't panic. Shout out to field notes. shout out to field notes if you're watching. this is a $100 bill.
Real. this is a shrimp I found in someone else's closet. And these are some gorgeous real roses that I've not said to me. I'm not really sure why. I'm not really sure why they don't die.
Twenty-four minutes. twenty-four minutes to dress, guys. we got the football and we got a ton of junk over here. we got all my crocheting. Need some noise-canceling headphones for our Divergent Queens. we got a bunch of Girl Scout cookies from Keenan. Shout out to Keenan. thank you for buying those. I got some hoes to wear later. See you soon! |
dropout | the_psychotic_earth_day_spokesman | Hi, I'm Scott Prescott F. We've been flushing these three toilets repeatedly for almost a week now. Pretty wasteful, right? Yet, this is exactly what you're doing. Wasting 3,000 gallons a year by not turning your shower off when you shampoo your hair.
For tips on being green, check out ecologyfirst.org. We parked a thousand cars idling in neutral, emitting 50 metric tons of carbon monoxide. Even worse, we're next to an elementary school. This is pretty despicable. Yet, you emit just as many pollutants every day by not carpooling to work. For more tips on being green, check out ecologyfirst.org.
This hose has been pumping millions of gallons of pure, unleaded gasoline into this pristine river, killing wildlife and devastating the natural balance. Oil tanker spills of this magnitude happen all the time.
We need more gas. We've forced these five third graders to smoke six packs of cigarettes a day, every day for a month.
It's disgusting. Yet, that's pretty much what we did earlier today, leaving a thousand cars running in front of an elementary school, and we didn't hear any complaints from you guys. Now, it seems kind of negligent, doesn't it? If you know the whereabouts of Scott Prescott F., please email us at ecologyfirst.org. At any given point, there are 3500 cars in America driving with their headlights on for no reason. It's a shame.
Scott, if you're watching this, there's still time. You can still be helped.
Please, do the smart thing and contact us at ecologyfirst.org. Also, tips on being green. |
dropout | trump_has_the_best_goddamn_temperament | My question Mr. Trump was why is your judgment any different than Secretary Clinton's? Lester I have to say that my best asset is my temperament. I have a great temperament. I have a winning temperament.
It's great. Really? Really.
I have the greatest temperament. I mean it's fantastic temperament. How are you the one bringing up temperament? That is the biggest hit against you. I'm the most zen like chillest person in this room. I have great temperament.
You've been screaming wrong every time I have spoken. Wrong. You're doing it now. Wrong.
Mr. Trump you have spent the last hour snorting like a racehorse at the gate. Mr. Trump.
Right. When you say best temperament. Of course. A good temperament is usually someone who's calm under pressure. Thought of as even keel. Exactly.
Lester I've called brother you are okay. Secretary Clinton your response. Well as president.
Her ads were mean. Can I just say that? Her ads were mean. They were literal quotes from you. I could say some bad things now like I could say that you're dressed as if you're in a video game and Kim Jong-un is player one and you're player two but my temperament's not letting me do that. I have great temperament. The fact that you brought that up shows how furious you are.
But I didn't say it. That's the thing. I didn't say it Lester.
You can't brag about your temperament. That's like telling people how cool you are. Or like giving yourself a nickname. Or buying yourself a trophy. Where did you get those sunglasses? I've always had them because of my cool temperament.
You could fact check that Lester. Fact check it.
We need to move on. Secretary Clinton. President Obama has talked about changing the nation's policy on first use of nuclear weapons. Now.
Could I go back to the temperament thing because a lot of people have said I was very harsh on Rosie O'Donnell but I would just like to say I only did that because she totally deserves it because she's a pig. Are you really talking about Rosie O'Donnell? Do you know where you are right now? It's 2016. The last time Rosie O'Donnell was relevant my husband was president.
Where did you get that wine shirt? You know what? I've always had a wine shirt. You are so angry that your faces beat red. You know what?
I have the best temperament. My temperament will beat all of your temperaments all day long. I should have never agreed to do this debate because your ratings would be trash if it weren't for my gold and beautiful temperament. I'm rubber and your glue and the things that you say bounce on me because your temperaments are trash and I'm the only one that's come. Mr. Trump your head is literally a big red steam whistle.
My microphone isn't working. Hi it's Zach from College Humor. Thanks for watching. You can click here to subscribe or click here for some other fun stuff. You can also screenshot me and turn me into a meme with one of the following poses. Let me know how that goes. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_111_Jesse_Tha_Monstar_Williams | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overill, editors of the Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Well welcome back to the Batooter Advocate radio show, live from quarantine. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overill, editor of the Batooter Advocate, and of course Errol Parker, editor at large, sitting next to me, how are you Errol? Always good mate, always good to get back in the booth with you, the only person in Batooter who apparently doesn't have coronavirus right now. Yeah you know Batooter Grove is you know a popular kind of place for you know a lot of people who enjoy going on cruises so that's actually a great detriment to our community but you know we're getting past it, only a few active cases left and they're all in quarantine.
Another bloke that's in quarantine, another proud Queenslander currently based in Brisbane is today's guest Jesse The Monster Williams, how are you Butler? How yous doing? Feeling pretty good. Yeah yeah doing alright, you're based back in Brisbane, you've lived all around the States, been around the world, you're currently based in Brisbane and you're running gyms and consulting right? Yeah I do a bunch, yeah I'm here for a little bit, I'm sort of just chilling, obviously quarantine did a good job of stopping all travel for me which was disappointing but I do a bunch man, I do a lot of consulting around, I was doing a lot of coaching and stuff, sort of stopped doing a lot of that, lucky enough good timing before the quarantine stuff started which was good, sort of moved towards some other passions of mine, obviously I do a lot of photography and I've done that for many years so I started doing a bit more of that and it's called wind with a few people and the areas that I've been lucky enough to work in throughout Australia and the US so I'm sort of pushing that a bit more in the moment and you know if it's one thing I think quarantine has done is given me a lot of time to focus on things I really want to do and I guess using that energy and putting it into the things that I think I'm most passionate about and you know if quarantine was going to stay like this for a long period of time I guess trying to find things that make me happy instead of things that keep me busy.
Now do you reckon you are the first Thursday Island boy to go to Alabama? Yeah I definitely think I would be, I think before I win I don't know many people from Thursday Island or indigenous people, most Australians really know anything about Alabama besides the movie with Reese Witherspoon or Forrest Gump it's a great representation especially Forrest Gump but I definitely think I'd be up there at least top three. You spent a lot of time in the states I mean obviously you know you ended up making your way to the NFL you know played college football there in Alabama we'll get into how you got into all that light a bit later in the interview but like you obviously spent so much time there that from such a young age that it kind of affected your accent how how was the culture kind of clash arriving there I mean you spent most of your life in Brisbane Cannon Hill boy yeah it was it was tough at the start like I'm from like I'm indigenous boy born and raised in Brisbane you know I've been through those whole circles like I lived on the south side of Brisbane my whole life I think going straight over there at the 17 18 and I was there probably 10 almost 11 years straight I would come back sparingly maybe weeks at a time and I was in places where accent I guess communication barriers had to be jumped somehow yeah from Arizona to Alabama to Seattle especially like in the south communicating if anyone's I've been to the south understanding some people down there is pretty tough as well as them trying to understand me let alone you know be on the football field and yeah I have to yell things out and then I got a bunch of dudes looking at me like well I'm speaking Spanish definitely you know people always say that I think it's the first thing they say like all you got accent I was like yeah I mean if you sort of lived anywhere for like 10 years so like yeah yeah I think if you move to like to woman or something you pick up some sort of accent as well yeah no it was not too bad it depends I think how heated I get like when I when I go and speak around and do stuff I think I get pretty in the moment I'm sort of having like Vietnam flashbacks into it and stuff so I think it comes out a bit stronger then but most of the time it's pretty relaxed I think I've traveled so many places I couldn't pinpoint what the hell I sound like most of the time I really don't think my accents changed at all until I get on the flight from LA back to Australia and I hear the stewardess or something like that and I'm just like whoa you sound like you're out of a movie from Australia and I don't like it yeah I'm super strong but most of the time yeah I don't really pick it up can you go back to the start I'm really interested to hear what the path way is from you know playing a bit of park rugby and kapalaba to ending up playing American football like how did that transition start did you have a passing interest in it growing up or honestly no the only thing I ever saw was like you know like every other instrument be like remember the time I like yeah titans and I'm like oh this is wild basketball is my main sport I played that my whole life my whole family plays that and I had a few friends of playing basketball with me to went to school with the cabaret in Brisbane you know obviously I noticed my girlish figure growing throughout high school and they were like hey you get to come down and play football and I was like play gridiron I was like ah I was like my mom doesn't even want me to play rugby league I don't know she's gonna let me let alone have the money but and then let me play girl I like yeah yeah yeah I'm like I'm watching the movies like at the time I was like on dial-up internet watching the Dallas Cowboys defense I was like man I don't know if this is for me but I went down there I was like all right I get to you know go hit people not get in trouble I was like this sounds like right up my alley so I go down there and started playing a little bit fell in love with it purely just from like the aggression side and my skill set match I was I was a big kid like I was this size when I was like 16 but I could run and I was getting too tired trying to run playing basketball being you know I'm 31 by over the age of 16 I was like man and my shins and I thought no more I was like I'll play football it actually picked up quite rapidly I was lucky enough to play the first year I played really well obviously I was just playing against little kids essentially and I was just crushing kids you know breaking arms oh yeah talking kids that bunch different banks and then I actually got the opportunity to play for Queensland which is huge and few college scouts saw me there and then I played for Australia against New Zealand down the eight AIS that would have been tough yeah that would have been tough with the Samoan influence as well in like in yeah they were big man like the quarterback for New Zealand was like the same size as me yeah yeah so I was like this can't be good and I on that Aussie team it wasn't a lot of size there might have been like three or four of us that were like over like 115 kilos you know I went out there and I bawled out I pretty much I think I you know I had some stupid stats I was like I was like playing with a 99 character on Madden yeah blocking every kick I was like doing everything so one of the guys from Arizona Western College Jerry Dominguez defensive coordinator he came out and was like a guest coach of this camp for Australia low-key I think they were just looking for punters yeah as most American teams do and then they just stumbled upon me and they were like who's this kid like I was already you know covered in tattoos I was like 17 I was like super aggressive had like super like thick mobile guy I honestly looked like I didn't give any fucks about anything so I was like playing middle linebacker and yeah he sort of gave me the heads up that you know I'm doing pretty well I have the body shape obviously I'm playing well enough if he thinks I could have an impact in the US and at this point in time I was like yeah it's sort of like a fairy tale but it's like unknown like yeah at this time 10 or so years ago 11 years ago if someone said oh you can try and make it to NFL like and much of the report so we got back as well when I started saying that was like this is crazy this is impossible no one has done this yeah ever so it was just like all right well I'll you know play with the idea a little bit and I remember I went back to my family who obviously know nothing about anything to do with football about America anything you know I'm gonna try and go to this school and see what I can do and then you know maybe try and get playing so what a lot of people don't know is that junior college Arizona Western actually didn't give me a scholarship to go over I actually had to work three jobs and with my parents to pay for the first semester which was like nine grand US or something for the spring and the fall yeah and we actually decided and we've got enough money to get we paid for it and then I had like two hundred and seventy five dollars duffel bag and then I had Jerry Dominguez and his phone number into my passport and then I left well family had no clue never been anywhere you know I remember getting to the airport in LA and I was like this is a movie like I couldn't tell you where Arizona geographically was and I'm supposed to get there so I get on this and you Arizona's like the butthole of America's are the worst place it's like so hard just nothing but like a lot of farming this one tiny school was like nothing's like one more breaking bad yeah super close and then I was just like I get on this tiny plane like I'm flying at those are on this like eight seater and I'm like about to die trying to fly to this I guess the airport in Yuma look in the passport called Jerry picks me up man it's like a hundred and twenty three degrees fahrenheit I was dying I was wearing like a jacket I was like alright it takes me to the dorms and then everything sort of started from there and I wasn't on scholarships I had you know stuff all money I was pretty much eating you know ramen noodles and fresh air for about a year and they said if I played well if I if I showed opportunities or the headroom that I could get better than up you know scholarship so man I put everything to it um you know a lot of guys they're guys are from Division one they got kicked out guys that are trying to make it to Division one it's like I try and tell people it's like the longest yard yeah we're not in prison though even though it feels like it but everyone's just trying to get out and work and get out so I couldn't play with a lot of those guys now I got there you know six eight black dudes you know the beard and like four kids to play the same position like everyone is big and strong and fast and it was played football you know their whole lives uh you know I sort of drew a line in the sand was like man I'm just gonna this is my only shot yeah I could do or die you know and if you met me back then I would definitely die for that idea I think that's why I'm so powerful I sort of just outwork everybody if it was school if it was you know running if it was lifting if it was drinking water I was gonna be every single person I did I did everything I you know broke all the conditioning records I lived in the weight room I did nothing but you know go to school and work out this guess is the benefits of living in a real tiny town yeah and then I played that whole year and I actually I bawled out started every game you know we won a conference and by the end of the year once everyone got ranked in regards to like being able to get recruited go to vision one I was a number one player in the whole country yeah right so as you can imagine they put me on scholarship yeah it's tiny you know I actually started getting money then not money isn't like actual money but they started putting money towards my schooling and like yeah dorm rooms and all sort of stuff like that so I was a little bit more relaxed and then I played another year and at the end of that I was in a more pointed country still and as you get I was getting recruited by everybody you know the late Joe Paterno would fly out I thought some on the phone from Penn State coach Saban came out multiple times which is a practically you know it's a cross-country flight just to see me you know they would say for a few hours and then leave you know I think I had over 50 something offers I pretty much could have went anywhere in the country how do you navigate that is like you know a kid who one year earlier didn't really know shit about America how did you make my parents do nothing you know like I was trying to I would Skype them you know what I mean yeah and I'm always the most famous college coach in the world just flew down to Arizona West today to have a chat like hey man well you know it's funny I actually I walked right by Nick Saban in the cafeteria I didn't know who it was I walked right by him and everyone's like oh my god Nick Saban I was like that I'm like looking around I'm like what does he look like I'm thinking I'm looking at Nick Saban thinking I'm about to see like someone with security or like someone looking you know super small you know a real solid dude and just this real short white guy wearing a suit just with like this real strong boy and I was like I must be him and yeah no I met all the Kiffin's you know the Ed Orgeron's I met the Kirby Smarts everyone there everyone flew out to sort of see me and it was crazy at the time I knew nothing you know Joe Paterno called me on the phone and he was one of the most famous football coaches in the world coach Penn State who passed away and I got off the phone and I talked to my roommate and he was like who's that I was like Joe Paterno I was like you know that is and he lost it I was like oh it was a guy from Penn State I was like oh that's weird and yeah it's pretty crazy but my roommate at the time Andrew Power he was he's from South Carolina big white boy from Myrtle Beach and he played a huge role in that for me we actually you know I remember my dorm room was just full of boxes just letters was just handwritten letters from all these coaches schools flyers you know superimposed photos of me with jerseys on and me running around and like it was outrageous he's just so much dead trees in my schools I go to Walmart and I buy his big whiteboard and I sit down with Andrew my roommate I just say let's every time someone calls we get a letter we just write the offer now and by the end I had two whiteboards that's a you know re-up on another whiteboard I start going through it you know we're going through everything you know defenses current coaches like how many spots they got like how many veteran in my position would they have and you know Alabama was actually one of the early ones which was surprising I think once Alabama sort of offered me it was just like floodgates it was like oh man if Alabama needs this detackle he must be the man so everyone just flooded it towards the end of the junior college career I started taking some trips around I actually took a trip September 3rd against San Jose State to Alabama I went down there for my official recruiting trip and honestly it blew my mind coming from a junior college where I was pretty much starving most of the time and like you know walking a Walmart to get stuff and some pretty hood stuff in the Arizona heat you know it's a lot different I went to Alabama and you know I love country stuff I love a small town sort of feel my real big city guy first game of the season see a hundred ten thousand people in the stadium and then like another hundred and fifty to two hundred outside just tailgating you know I was the number one recruiting country so I was somewhat no I didn't think I was really known I never really sort of bought into myself too much and even just walking around man would scream at me in the stands people had Australian flags because they knew that I was gonna be in town that week really it was screaming everything I was like man this is unbelievable ridiculous every single person I met knew who I was right away the whole weekend I was like this is wild and I was like obviously it was a lot of like real pretty southern girls everyone's super nice I saw the hospitality I was like this is amazing and then you know when it's all the facilities now with all like teachers and strength coaches lots of stuff and you know I fell in love with the place it was it was a decision it was sort of a split decision for me it was like when I was taking these trips and sort of choosing where to go it was like do I go to a small school and like be the man like a UCLA or like Hawaii or something do I go there and be like that absolute star yeah and or do I go to like a big school like Alabama Miami LSU and earn every second that I get the opportunity to play if someone's gonna write a book or do a movie about it I was like it'd be super lame if I chose the easy route yeah yeah so the whole time I was in the US I just I just chased that adversity and I was like yeah this has to be it there has to be some sort of sunshine at the other side of this so and I loved it I loved Alabama and they just lost the year before and I knew Nick Saban was gonna lose two years in a row so I was like this is this is a good personal personal bet to myself to be a part of something that's gonna go the whole way and then yeah I committed I spoke to coach Saban at the end of that trip I said man I said I do have to say nothing I just said you know he just said he'll look after me he'll make sure everything's taken care of and he'll do his best part in developing me into a good man and a good football player and I was like that's enough for me let's see I was like I'll commit right here so yeah I mean what you just said then 110,000 people your first game 200,000 outside that amount of people in itself is more than you'd get at every AFL and NRL match in one round you know what I mean yeah like both codes every every stadium for so many people one weekend in winter how does it feel to sign something like that and money not be involved you know what I mean like that's the college thing that puzzles a lot of people particularly in Australia it's like you're entertaining you are basically a mercenary in this scenario did they give you a car do you get anything like this is there what do you food like so the way it works and everyone always says that you know they're like oh man surely you get money it was these almost the exact opposite you know Nick Saban runs such a tight ship and you know discipline and doing the right thing is so high but also you're the number one team in the country you're the best players in the country you're under like the tightest microscope of what people are looking at trying to break you down yeah but yeah it was wild man like now I've been to a few Broncos games in the state of origin I've been I feel like I made too many AFL games but yes it's not the same now you walk into Brian Denny Stadium with 110,000 everyone is screaming you know yeah like if I go to I go to Suncorp I can yell and I couldn't scream as loud as I can and hear myself yeah and we have to play and do that sort of stuff and it was just pure love like you feel from the fans and like obviously the fan base is very very traditional and it's a way of life down there yeah but yeah it's crazy but I couldn't as a you know 20-something year old you know from 18 to 22 year old to be around such yeah like tradition and what it means like how crazy people are like man people kill each other over a score of Alabama games man like people like if you're from the state of Alabama or you go from the area where the University of Alabama is not Auburn University and you disagree with any other people about Alabama like it's on yeah the job you know you come in you're like USC's better like you expect to get punched someone's gonna throw a beak in your head yeah you know what I mean like if these traditions man it's sweet home Alabama plays and people aren't dancing on tables something wrong yeah yeah and it's just I think it's so like I guess raised into everyone we're here it's like you know people from like New South Wales have come up and they're like oh I'm a Broncos fan now because I live here and stuff like that happened in Alabama man you better go ahead and move right back to where you come from yeah yeah yeah it's just much more serious and obviously recruiting is this multi-billion dollar business you know what I mean and it was tough honestly what were you living off that we like you can sorry we get free we have cafeteria everything you know we're sponsored by Nike so we get the whole fit up everything you know a lot of the rules around that is you know if one person gets it everyone has to get it so we all have got a bunch of good stuff the number one school country obviously get a degree for free which is a lot more than most professional organisations in Australia offer yeah and obviously the Alumni Association is just super strong they take care of you there's so much more that goes into it but it is a big part of tradition and it's a big process especially in football of that lineage to be a part of you know great places and play for you know people would pay money to play the University of Alabama yeah yeah yeah you know what I mean all I had to do was just show up as I was good but kids it's like so you're getting fed you're getting dressed like you know you could have had $200 in your bank account that whole season is that is that kind of how it is I mean you definitely don't make it yeah yeah you can pretty much live for free like we get so you can live on campus and you get like a small amount of money and that was for like random things like if you have like a phone or car or whatever yeah if you live off campus it was a bit more obviously had to pay rent and all that sort of stuff but it was nothing with man I think if I think back now it's way more it was like for me maybe like $500 a fortnight and then like you know it's crazy I think back I'm watching myself on ESPN you know I'm like sports illustrated I'm like doing all these media things so that's pretty crazy but you know it's gonna change yeah yeah that is changing yeah yeah it sounds a lot better than like everyone everyone has to go through it which is it was good it plays a big role in building the team off the field I think yeah it sounds a lot better than being in the young Broncos under Wayne back then yeah I think there's a bit more that goes into it then I think what happens in Australia yeah outside football I think well there's more I think coach Saban does a good job he's one of the best that I've been around to play for coach with and just know on a personal level that you know really develops players more than you know sort of just running them in and running them out now you kind of went viral a few times you kind of build a profile around your actual physical performances not not necessarily on the field at one point you you got up to 157 kegs like that's how much you weighed at peak fitness and your video benching 270 what Thomas double it when when did that transformation happen did that did that happen college that happened at you know Arizona or Alabama or were you constantly building that up or did that that happen when you reach the NFL yeah no so it sort of started when I was 16 my birthday I asked my parents to buy me a gym membership that good life actually a good life morning side back in the hood yeah junction road yes sir I started training there I knew nothing right I used to buy body magazines and I used to drink like whey protein 38 times a day and I was just like lifting weights and one of the things I did was I looked up all the combine scores and I looked up who was the strongest in college football looked up who's the strongest in the NFL I looked up all the things they could do and I made sure that those were the goals I was shooting for right yeah and for me it was like run under 540 it was like bench over 550 pounds it was like squat over 550 it was like clean over like you know 140 145 and I was like all right this is reasonable so that's all I pushed towards and then I think if you if you told anyone is knowing me my whole life they know I'm just like a weight room fiend you know I just I love lifting I love training I like pushing myself a lot to points where most people don't like to go so I just constantly got got stronger and I was around a lot of guys in the u.s. were just sort of the same I started get around dudes was stronger you know and it goes back to that work anything I was like okay this is a challenge they didn't say anything but they're challenging me yeah I think I'm strong enough so yeah I just kept getting stronger and stronger and then I think my senior years when I started really breaking all the records that's when I bench 600 pounds just 272 you know I squatted like 675 how many reps could you do of 600 pounds just one yeah yeah I don't think many people do reps at 600 pounds no sir not me but and then I ran like about you know four seven nine four eight forty my pro day so I was lucky enough to sort of have a little bit of natural ability but also I had a work ethic out of hell yeah where that come I love lifted Torres Strait Islander and Murray background yeah so was that was sporting the family I mean obviously American football wasn't where did the yes I both my parents played basketball and you know my little brother played basketball when he was younger as well and sports is just dominating up they do play basketball up north are they up especially everywhere in Queensland yeah everywhere but yeah a lot a lot can stop ants ever everyone everyone that trickles down obviously playing basketball yeah don't need a lot of equipment you know I'm saying so yeah for me it was just like when I was younger my mom was a schoolteacher and you know it was sort of like get straight A's I'll be really good at sports I was like man let's do the sport thing that sounds good so I just started playing so I played everything you know I threw shot put I didn't do all those the only thing my mom didn't want me to play was rugby league I played a lot of basketball parents my whole life until football and then I think the work ethic just stem from being around so many high-performing people and when I was younger when I was going over there we face so much adversity to make it happen as well as people doubting like I look back and laugh now that people that said I would never do it on the people that say it was impossible all those people are saying people get photos of me and stuff when they see me and we had so much of that and the whole time I went over there was not to prove anyone wrong it was really just to prove my 15 year old self and my family right yeah but the things we did was worth it and I kept that real close to me the whole time you know I used to I used to run extra lift extra I used to do stupid stupid amounts of working out and and training and pushing myself and I just I just internally that was just the price that was the price for me I wanted everything I had to give up everything and I was the first person to be willing to do that do you see any other talent like that making its way through the Australian American football grassroots or like and that kind of inspiration because I imagine in my head the kids you were playing with in the park you know down in Redlands or or even at Queensland level or like they they're the kids of American expats or they're just kind of like hobbyists right yeah there's a very very obvious there's a particular type of people that played in play gridiron Australia always the most athletic yeah but there was a few man honestly there's been a few guys I think you go over it's not everybody man that pathway especially if you if you do the long the long grimey route that I did it's not for everybody people realize that real quick like it's more than how I work like I said there's a price and sometimes the price is everything a lot of those guys they get there and they think it's cool like I want to be suited up I want to play in front of 110,000 people I want to do that but there's a whole bunch of other things that go in into doing that and it's not usually fun studies apart like what was your degree human sciences are like moving towards trying conditioning yeah I actually got well be like two so I got associate's bit in business from the first junior college and then I did finish my 40 degree in human sciences and it's it's tough man like I couldn't explain to people like you would go from working out in the morning working out class all day practice go to study hall and like in study hall like you're watching your replays on ESPN you know what I mean they just like I'm like reading articles like my tutors are like oh how was the game on the weekend I was like dude can you just teach me how to do this damn Pythagoras so it was real different you know and I think that's I was lucky I I'm not a huge attention guy you know obviously I stand out like a mofo but I never really bought into the hype of a lot of stuff including myself and I kept pretty grounded and pretty sheltered my whole I guess career I didn't I do a really good job of not listening to people and it paid off even throughout the study and stuff like that I say pretty focused on that I had a 3.8 GPA I was like Dean's list president's list all-american academic you know lots of stuff so a lot of people don't really give a crap about that from an indigenous standpoint yeah coming from Brisbane you know I mean like it means a lot you close the gap and then some man just to hold a standard man like I wanted everything and I wouldn't settle for anything less and then my work ethic showed that and you do know you did it all with face you did it all with face tats man I went to the White House three times with face tats. I mean I shook Obama's real soft hands three times. You had Yolo's head at Danied. Man I did everything you know it's one thing boys boys bring stuff up and they say how crazy it was like but I was I was real the whole time man I told the truth non-stop I did nothing but the things I wanted to do and the things I worked for and you know no one can ever really take that away from me I think being so upfront with people it sort of scares people that you know I just do what I feel and a lot of things I wouldn't want to live my life any other way you know when I get old I look back and all the work and all you know all the aspirations and you know all the doubt and all the awards and stuff sort of fade away but you know when people talk about people that went to the US for football my name seems to be number one at the top most of the time so it means a lot to me you know leading the way I see a lot of these kids now and you know I'm still good friends a lot of guys you know that Australian camp I played in actually Jordan Berry was the kicker for that right he was still in the NFL and you know I'm pretty close to Adam Garces I trained with him a few times in Atlanta Brad Wing I haven't met him personally but he was obviously over there at the time and you know we were part of that crew we we man I chopped the leaves I chopped the cheese down to create the path a lot of these kids are walking on yeah and it means a lot to me man because it's an amazing opportunity for these kids I would send every single one if I could I just think it's it's too much of a blessing not go over I went over like from having nothing so you know having two degrees and being able to do all the things and I traveled the world I've been to the White House I've met everybody had dinner with Pharrell all these crazy things man yeah and I'm just you know I'm just this young indigenous kid from Morningside so you got you got two degrees you got to meet all those people can you tell us a little bit about how it felt to finally make money out of all this shit like what happened there you went into a draft a few people use this word but it's almost like slavery the college football system where you're kind of you know very very close to it and then all of a sudden now it's the time you managed to go through all this you've gone through Arizona you've gone through Alabama without getting injured and you're at the point now where it's time to actually go pro man it's pretty well I actually did get injured I got I had a few surgeries when I was at Alabama I just came back really quick yeah I enjoyed a lot of the process again ready a lot of the training stuff getting ready to go professional it was you know even from a young I guess journey point not not at one point what I was I thinking I need to go make this money yeah that never really popped into my head at any point even when I was going through Alabama I was just like man whatever like I'm just trying to every day I get to wake up on my this is a blessing let me just go do this work yeah and then you know the draft was coming along I was actually ranked really high I was like top three country coming out of the draft and then we play the SEC Championship I actually really hurt my knee yeah I do a little bit of damage my knee someone gets thrown into me from behind in the first quarter I take the second quarter off I come back and fall out in the third fourth but I go into the change rooms take some tablets get some shots I'm like let's ride with no regard for my health or the future involved so I was like it's whatever that I signed up to commit to University Alabama I'm pretty well known for this one game because of me coming back and I had some pretty big plays to help us win that and then we had two weeks to get ready for national championship so all I did was rehab train get ready played national championship started did everything obviously we walked Notre Dame in Miami and then yeah then the downside of playing at Alabama is we get a really short offseason because we just play every national championship that's the last game so yeah what is the amount of offseason so I had four weeks to get ready for the NFL draft and I was like for the combine this is no good so a week later after national championship I had to have surgery on my knee have surgery clean everything up get everything ready start rehabbing right away so I can't do anything we combine just the mental side of things benched and then just stopped did the mental stuff did all the testing which is like excruciating three days of like hardly any sleep barely any food like they actually do mental testing like like the SAS well they do they do the wonder leg which is like a bit of a stitch up it's like a modified like IQ type of thing but so yeah you have to meet specifically with each team or the ones that are interested in you so I've met with a lot of people I was ranked pretty high and they pretty much put you on the board so you know I met with you know Patriots probably a memorable one you know and and Belichick and the D line coach which is put you on the board and I'll say you know draw up you know a two tie offense you know QB and shotgun spread we're running a three-four defense x1 Z's happening like where's the nickel what what it what what what would the defensive end have like how would you read that all this sort of stuff and you've got to know that on the whiteboard yeah that was that was an upside of playing out of my mind I know football now yeah so I knew a lot of those things when we had to do and then a lot of the other ones is like general questions like I remember going into speaking to Tom Coughlin from the Giants and if you know Tom Coughlin he's an older gentleman clean-cut I guess conservative would be one of the words yeah and I remember him sitting down and there's only like 15 guys in the room I'm sitting down I'm wearing I think I was wearing a tank top and some sweatpants and he came up to me and sat down next to me it was like tell me a little about yourself and I was that's what I get most be on he was like looking at me real closely he was like so how many of these tattoos are gang related I was like gang related I was like oh my god from Australia man I'm like no like these are like traditional ones this is just part of my my life and he just kept hopping on gang related things I was like this dude is like trying to pin me as like a gang banger something like I just graduated from college gangbang but it was real it was real intense and like the meetings we go to like 3 in the morning that would make you real tired and like try and drum you into like saying some stupid stuff and then they'll drug test you on the spot and then like most of the time I was like you're walking around half naked everyone's like you know it's like a big meat factory and I mean like dudes just like they want to see like they were like I'll do a full squat I'll be like I know jump and touch the like it's just stupid stuff they just try and get in your head so then yeah I mean honestly it was a blessing to be you know some of the top players in the country to get invited but it's not something I choose to do once again and then from there yeah I went into the draft and you know my family wasn't over here you know my family came over a few times when I was in Alabama playing and watched my first game and a few of my other ones my senior year and then it was just me man I actually got the call when I was in the weight room in Alabama I stayed in Alabama the whole time and trained to get ready I knew that I didn't really care about money or where I got drafted or anything I just knew that it was my job to control my controllables and that was to be ready whenever I was called upon how was your knee at this point yeah it was good it was fine right so this is the downside like I passed every physical everything was fine and I was running I did everything did the pro day did everything that's when I ran my fastest you can look it up on YouTube man I was moving yeah then from there draft day comes along I'm you know my agents like yeah obviously have projections going first round second round third round whatever obviously end up falling to 137 the fifth round I was like that's whatever man it's no big deal not really missing anything you know once I step in the door we all started from square one anyway so I just made sure I was ready man I worked out the whole time they actually called me when I was working out I took the call spoke to John Snyder spoke to Pete Carroll spoke to Dan Quinn who was a DC at the time it was just like yeah I'm ready to go and then kept working out and then went and went did my business and that's how I've been the whole time man I never I did nothing I'm just I'm just a high-working dude and that's what I showed when I was there so what was it like going from like a university environment where the focus is is really on on you and your education to going into like the belly of a real big sports organization where your whole job is just to play football you live and breathe it Seattle what was the transition mostly this is a funny story but it was it was way easier you know playing at Alabama playing with Coach Saban and the system and the discipline and the standard that has held the University of Alabama is unrivaled I'm parallel to anywhere I've been and I keep that very close to me to this day I'm still very disciplined and I'm blessed to have some of the lessons and learn firsthand from Coach Saban when I actually got to Seattle it was exact opposite you know coach Carroll is amazing coach you know Dan Quinn amazing coach but the scene the environment a culture it was black and white so I get to the I get to the first team meeting and like there was music playing there was a basketball hoop like dudes were shooting around and like people was making a lot of noise I was just sitting there I was like my hands on my knees like I was getting school photos I was like yeah so this is a trap I said they're trying to get me they're gonna try and trick me so this ain't the NFL at least dudes aren't taking this seriously I said this can't be real and I was like that for a week and then coach the coach came up to me he's like why so uptight I'm like man I'm like this is just not what I'm used to and all sort of stuff like that you've been to Alabama yeah I was just like do you know coach Saban at all like this is like I've never heard music in the whole building my whole time there so I started to loosen up and obviously it was a lot better but yeah it was it was a lot different for me culture change wise because I was so used to like 10 minutes early on time like I'm saying to do extra every day and like people look at me like this guy like this dude's a good robot or something but honestly I enjoyed it a lot obviously having no school was a good part of that being able to graduate and get that over and done with but there is a lot of pressures that go along with that you know and it's a real it's costly you know you get a lot of money and you actually have to pay for a lot of things and like you know I'm paying this lady torn some dollars you know almost every second day to come stretching out of my house before I go to practice you know and I'm spending a lot of time pretty much just putting into my body and doing everything from blood tests to people making my food I'm like taking all these crazy not really supplements but I'm sort of I'm getting tested so much everything has to be clean and I'm getting this from this company and this and this company and I'm like watching my weight and doing all these things so it's it's it's nice to have that focus but it's tough because it's a lot of work man it's it's unlike I don't think any sports really in Australia are at that level I speak to a lot yeah about on and off the field stuff and the standard of what I had to do was much higher oh yeah but I bet it was you know it was much I guess much more development based so I got better a lot quicker I felt a lot better and obviously you know a big part of playing themselves is winning so to be around that culture yeah different setting the different role it was fun and I really enjoyed it I was I was part of some of the best teams to play football and the best part about being around those great teams has been around a really good man like I said early I'd rather be a good man than a great football player and I was lucky enough to be around a lot of guys that did both really well and I guess I got to learn and associate myself with those guys and it was a blessing man like not just the coaches but the players as well a lot of professionals a lot of a lot of how to do things and a lot of how not to do things as well but I enjoyed it mainly the schooling was yeah less time consuming so a lot more free time. Can you tell us a little bit the NFL recently has been pretty you know harshly criticized for player welfare and someone who kind of experienced you know injuries due to your job and then you know of course you were diagnosed with cancer a bit later how did you feel that you were kind of looked after how do you feel like the institution responded to you to your welfare yeah it was different like once I had the first two knee injuries which were like out of the blue accidents had nothing to do with anything I was doing just bad timing and just sport in general those weren't things I had any negative energy towards Seattle knew you know when I was healthy I was balling man I was playing really well every time I was practicing and moving around well you know any other person that would hurt their knee once they would have got cut right away but they kept me there three years because every time I was healthy I was at a level that was what they wanted yeah but Seattle did a great job man like even through the knee injuries the rehab training staff at Alabama Seattle were amazing and then obviously to to the end point of having cancer and sort of going through that whole process essentially with them you know they did everything they possibly could I don't have a bad thing to say about any of that obviously I'm I'm a huge believer of you know like I said earlier the price is what it is yeah I signed up for all of that obviously I didn't sign up for cancer but you know I got I got a little extra punch on my ticket you know I was happy to ride that out you know what I mean people always people always ask me you know do I wish I would change things or what I've done what I was at the strong both times all three times I got serious injuries I was at my absolute peak yeah you can you probably could hit me with a damn truck and I would be fine yeah but it was just like the consequences of the situation instead of put me in a bad position I think I had a good part a good pathway sorry I don't think everyone has that same pathway in the NFL it's very cutthroat is not for everybody there's a lot of not politics there's a lot of things you have to do to be involved in certain things but in the end it's a extremely tight-knit Brotherhood that everyone looks after each other you know still to this day I'm very well connected throughout a lot all the way up to the president of the place Association in Eric Winston in the NFL but yeah I don't have a bad thing to say about any of that compared to a lot of the other professional organizations that I've been around enough to work with well there seems to be two ways for Australians to get into the NFL and that is to grind it out your way like you and Colin Scott's all those guys you know just grinding it out going into college working your way up or you just wake up in the morning and you decide you want to go and play for San Francisco how does it make you feel when you know having gone through or your entire journey and then you've got people who turn around and say they want to play in the NFL just off the bat from you know yeah yeah it's real interesting man I'm not a huge fan of it like I'm a huge fan of people following your dreams and lots of stuff but I do believe there is a process towards achieving some of them to the guys that have gone over like it's been I'm sure it's been an amazing experience with them and I think that they sort of got a real quick adjustment to what the different standards are to the NFL compared to other organizations on and off the field like I said earlier playing football outside being a punter don't get me wrong you know like guys like Nathan Chapman down a pro kick and stuff sending to college amazing I love it great opportunity but dudes who just want to jump skip a line not a huge fan for two reasons obviously it's super unrealistic I'm like y'all go over follow your dreams I'm telling follow me go get a degree yeah people you know discover what you want to do in your life and play football is the price that's a great opportunity but like trying to get these people I get messages all the time the amount of professional AFL players professional rugby league players rugby union now the message me like hey do you know anywhere I can go over and do like to NFL right yeah like if I did I would have started a stupid business like all the other people trying to do it and take professional guys over yeah yeah not that I never would do that but I'm not a huge fan of it yeah just purely because it makes it unrealistic for a lot of people sends the wrong message yeah as well as it really hurts Australians that are over there in the NFL you know me Thomas like me Adam God says Jordan Barry Brown we were over there I was there three years until Jared Hain came over I was actually more I was in the NFL for a few years and all these guys had to come over and I was like get a lonely guys that were there already Australian like we were getting slammed by you know jokes people talking crap the whole time about all these other Australians coming over and I'm like it's sort of like coming in for an angle here I mean like he's making us sort of look bad we've been here I'm a huge fan of dudes trying to follow their dreams and do that but I just think that that pathway for the guys that have previously done it you know like Val and stuff like that you know there's a there is a lick of opportunity there very very small opportunity and everyone's you know like yeah these guys are super athletes I could go to Walmart and find guys that have played more football and it just as athletic you know the population is yeah too much yeah great so many people I just think with guys with huge amounts of hype that want to push the hype over there and do stuff at least you know take a path or take an avenue or might be able to teach other people yeah besides chasing unrealistic dreams or pushing outside the bubble like no kid is gonna be able to have enough money to go turn IMG to the possible yeah no indigenous kids going over there but if you tell kids you know working hard and you know stick to their morals of the things they want to do and then take this process to get over there instead of just jumping all this other stuff it'd be a lot better but I know I've met a bunch of guys that have wanted to go over and do that sort of stuff first thing I tell them is like a don't and B there's a lot more that goes into it you know what I mean like you can the speed is a different speed I was there I played with some of the best coaches and players in whoever will play and every day till my final day I was still learning non-stop yeah yeah on stop and I was like man I'm still like the whole time I felt like I was behind I need to get better need to get better and I see these guys go over there I watched their training film like oh Lord I was like maybe I you know I feel like I took the right approach and I got the most out of it I got a degree I experienced everything and I see a lot of these guys sort of not just the ones that you see on the media yeah the ones that have tried and didn't get as far as those guys Jesse just can you tell us can you tell us I mean we obviously know Jared Hayne but um we're gonna edit this out just to protect everyone's contracts but can you tell us some of the names of the of the DMG get I work closely with the NRL every now and again I whenever I would go and speak it like different teams and stuff I would get a lot of guys right off the message yeah I was like who is this guy who they verified you know they post I can just tell by like their first few slides of all their IG of like you know they're sponsored by a Mazda in their local area they play for like some Sydney based team or do something but like even when I was in the NFL I didn't know who Jared Hayne was yeah like I've been gone out of the country for like five six years everyone started hitting me up and I was like who are these guys they're like rugby players I was like I've never seen these people my life I see questions all the time like what do you think of this guy's like I don't even know who that is you know he's from Parramatta origin man like I haven't been the country in seven years so it's gonna be tough but yeah it's it's real different man like a lot of AFL players went over a few was in when I was in Seattle a few came and worked out in Seattle and I could tell soon as soon as they rocked up they had like kind of shorted because when they work out guys they all wear the same stuff right and these AFL plays it I rolled their shorts up because they were tall they had short shorts on already I was like that dude has to be from Australia his shorts are way too short yeah no dude in the US wearing shorts like that and then I saw him kick it and I was like yeah that dude played in the NFL for sure yeah I don't recommend it as a path for people to go over that's for sure yeah now lastly Jesse we're exhausted I'm exhausted personally listening to you that workload that you've kind of experienced over the last 12 years two degrees first Australian to win a Super Bowl ring was there any time for partying in Alabama Seattle how was that just you know you can summarize with that yeah there was there wasn't a lot of time but there was a lot that got done hell yeah I was lucky enough to win two national championships the first one was in in Louisiana New Orleans which is you know a hotel was on Bourbon Street so I was pretty bald and then the second one was on South Beach in Miami and I stayed the fountain blue in Miami and it was pretty wild and obviously we went to two Super Bowls as well one long one the first one lost the second so I've had a pretty wild time of you know I don't drink yeah yeah I I didn't start drinking till two months ago and it's only because I was like drinking whiskey like an old man till that day I never drank alcohol my whole life so I didn't really I wasn't really no yeah in the position to get in trouble most of the time which was good a lot of crazy things I try and tell people like the University of Alabama with like fraternities and sororities man it's like a movie I couldn't believe it until I live some of those situations off the field and yeah I was just lucky enough I made it out unscathed and and I'm lucky enough to to still be here today good stuff thanks for joining us you're in good health at this moment yeah yeah I had a few health troubles last year yeah yeah like I said I just trying to refocus my energy back on yeah feeling better and doing things I want to do not so much things that just to keep me busy yeah yeah good stuff wash your hands make sure you don't get coronavirus is the last thing you need man I'm trying to keep this 1.5 from now on yeah let's just do zooms from now on thanks for joining us Jesse thanks you know there's a there is a lick of opportunity there very very small opportunity and everyone's you know like yeah these guys are super athletes I could go to Walmart and find guys that have played more football and it just as athletic you know the population is yeah too much yeah so many people I just think with guys with huge amounts of hype that want to push the pipe over there and do stuff at least you know take a path or take an avenue or maybe I'll teach other people yeah besides chasing unrealistic dreams or pushing outside the bubble like no kid is gonna be able to have enough money to go turn IMG to possible yeah no indigenous kids going over there but if you tell kids you know working hard and you know stick to their morals of the things they want to do and then take this process to get over there instead of just jumping all this other stuff it'd be a lot better but I know I've met a bunch of guys that have wanted to go over and do that sort of stuff first thing I tell them is like a don't and B there's a lot more that goes into it you know what I mean like you can the speed is a different speed I was there I played with some of the best coaches and players in whoever will play and every day till my final day I was still learning non-stop yeah yeah on stop and I was like man I'm still like the whole time I felt like I was behind I need to get better to get better and I see these guys go over there I watch their training film like oh Lord I was like maybe I you know I feel like I took the right approach and I got the most out of it I got a degree I experienced everything and I see a lot these guys sort of not just the ones that you see on the media yeah the ones that have tried and didn't get as far as those guys Jesse just can you tell us can you tell us I mean we obviously know Jared Hayne but um we're gonna edit this out just to protect everyone's contracts but you tell us some of the names of the of the DMG get I work closely with the NRL every now and again I whenever I would go and speak it like different teams and stuff I would get a lot of guys right off the message yeah I was like who is this guy who they verified you know they post I can just tell by like their first few slides of all their IG of like you know they're sponsored by Mazda in their local area they play for like some Sydney based team or do something but like even when I was in the NFL I didn't know who Jared Hayne was yeah like I've been gone out of the country for like five six years everyone started hitting me up and I was like who are these guys they're like rugby players I was like I've never seen these people my life I used to get questions all the time like what do you think of this guy I was like I don't even know who that is you know like I haven't been the country in seven years so it's gonna be tough but yeah it's it's real different man like a lot of AFL plays went over a few was in when I was in Seattle a few came and worked out in Seattle and I could tell soon as soon as they rocked up they had like kind of shorted because when they work out guys they all wear the same stuff right and these AFL plays it must have rolled their shorts up because they were tall they had the short shorts on already I was like that dude has to be from Australia his shorts are way too short yeah no dude in the u.s. wearing shorts like that and then I saw him kick it and I was like yeah that dude played in the NFL for sure yeah I don't recommend it as a path for people to go over that's for sure yeah now lastly Jesse we're exhausted I'm exhausted personally listening to that workload that you've kind of experienced over the last 12 years two degrees first Australian to win a Super Bowl ring was there any time for partying in Alabama Seattle how was that just you know you can summarize with that yeah there was there wasn't a lot of time but there was a lot that got done hell yeah I was lucky enough to win two national championships the first one was in in Louisiana New Orleans which is you know a hotel was on Bourbon Street so I was pretty lost and then the second one was on South Beach in Miami and I stayed the fountain blue in Miami and it was pretty wild and obviously we went to two Super Bowls as well one long one the first one lost a second so I've had a pretty wild time of you know I don't drink yeah yeah I didn't start drinking till two months ago and it's only because I was like drinking whiskey like an old man till that day I never drank alcohol my whole life yeah so I didn't really I wasn't really no yeah in the position to get in trouble most of the time which was good a lot of crazy things I try and sell people like the University of Alabama with like fraternities and sororities man it's like a movie I couldn't believe it until I live some of those situations off the field and yeah I was just lucky enough I made it out unscathed and and I'm lucky enough to to still be here today good stuff thanks for joining us you're in good health at this moment yeah yeah I had a few hell troubles last year yeah yeah like I said I just trying to refocus my energy back on yeah feeling better and doing things I want to do not so much things that just to keep me busy yeah yeah good stuff wash your hands make sure you don't get coronavirus is the last thing you need man I'm trying to keep this 1.5 from now on yeah let's just do zooms from now on thanks for joining us Jesse thanks you |
cracked | what_the_season_finale_of_game_of_thrones_means_for_next_season_winter_is_taking_forever | Hey, everyone! Welcome to the final episode of Winter is Taking Forever. It's our season finale of this. I'm Daniel, I'm joined by Michael and Miles.
I knew we were in for some s**t immediately when it opened with, like, piano sonata. Everyone since the Godfather baptism scene has been trying to do the Godfather baptism scene. And this is another one of those. Oh, it's Godfather! Okay, cool. Someone's gonna get Godfather. This is great.
She's clearly putting on, like, I'm a boss chainmail type of clothing, which she never wears the entire time. She's got, like, 80s metallic shoulder pads on. Yeah, it looked like a couture version of Darth Vader.
She orchestrated this whole thing and blew up the sept killing. We lost a lot of people. We lost Marjorie, who that really breaks my heart. I thought she was great and I'm bummed, and she's like a hot, human lullaby. And her dumb dad and Lancel, I guess.
At some point, just take the f**king chains off when you're about to run, like, a 900-meter sprint to save the entire city and everyone you care about. Did his stab wound feel like to you that he would be in a state where he was crawling? He was stabbed by a child, by the way. I'm really worried about them, because that kid is, like, part of some plan, and they're fed with candy all the time. And he's like, ha!
Well, I'm different now. You were talking about Marjorie. The thing that kind of broke my heart is when she kind of figures it all out there. It was almost comically long, the amount of time we had to just let the high sparrow figure out that something was wrong. Marjorie.
Old guy. Marjorie, old guy.
He's just like, you see in his eyes, like, you're making a lot of sense. I don't know what to do. And then we hear explosions. He's like, are you going to figure that out now? Like, the CG was, like, super good, including one of my favorite shots. The man crushed by a mouth.
There were probably other episodes of the season where they're just like, we can't show the dragons at all as soon as we have to show the dragons, because you need that f**king $9-million bill. This has been Bell Talk. While we're still in King's Landing, I want to talk about Tom.
And this is one of the most relatable storylines I've ever seen, because his arc, at one point, was playing with his cats or pounce at a bunch of toys. Then he discovered f**king via Marjorie. And he's like, oh, this is all I want to do now. And then he has to sit by a window and watch his mother blow up f**king. And it's like, if I'm 13, I'm cannonballing straight out the nearest door.
Oh, yeah, 100%. Let's talk about Danny. Daenerys Stormorn is finally on her way to Westeros and had to dump her side piece, Dario Naharis. This, like, sweet rejection happened where Dario got, like, basically friend-zoned into being an emperor. Right. Friend-zoned into being an emperor. When you say it a lot, it's like, that's not that bad. Dario's time management skills, and he's basically only once to cut people's heads off and have sex with people. Dario will recall urged her to open the fighting pits again. Yeah, exactly. Also, if I'm Dario, I would try to spin that meat, like, oh, I have to go be queen and, like, marry for an alliance. Well, I'm now king of marine. Yeah.
I want to talk about the north. Because I feel like Littlefinger is kind of managing the creep train a little bit. Sure. And he's, like, aggressively conducting the creep train. The Littlefinger-John-Santa thing, I think, is going to lead to probably my favorite plot of the next season.
Because he told her, like, point blank, I'll do anything to sit on the Iron Throne with you as my queen. And she's like, oh, honey, no. Yeah. Because he loved Catelyn and lost out to Ned Stark and the other Stark brother. And he's sitting here, like, if I lose another fucking Tony to another fucking sword of Stark, I'm going to burn the whole planet. My other major complaint is that they're like, we're only going to follow you.
You're the king of the north. King of the north.
Let's all chant it. I want to meet John and say, none of this matters anymore because there are monsters. Three in all. They need a road show with a white walker and a cage going through the entire Seven Kingdoms just over and over. Step right up. Look at your impending fate.
This is freaky, greasy shit. So we got more fan service with Walter Frey. Any time they show him in this show, they dedicate a few minutes to remind you how awful he is.
You know, it's great to see him die in a terrible fashion, but the logistics of the thumb sticking out of the meat pie, I feel like there's not that many recognizable parts of the human body inside of a meat pie. It's basically thumb and toe, nose, maybe. Yeah, you cut to the scene of her making it. And the thumb will go here. Is there like a thumb in every slice? A thumb in every slice. We beat pies, by all means.
A scene that I liked in the Frey bit was Bronn complaining about, oh, those two girls are checking you out, Jamie. And he just sends them over to have sex with Bronn.
That's not, they're not prostitutes, and that's not how like wingmanship works. Like, I've been the Bronn at a bar with a handsome guy next to me, and it's never been like, hey, go fuck my weird buddy. And they're like, okay, it doesn't happen. It's not a situation. Or I have terrible friends.
So we spent a little bit of time with Bram today. He hung out with Benjen and Benjen. Like, the wall is magic, so I can't go anymore. I'll just be, if you need me, I'll be over there fucking myself for a while. Classic lonesome Benjen. And we get confirmation on this long-standing fan theory, which we think means Liana Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen made Jon Targaryen on purpose.
Liana, in a puddle of blood, it's like, here, take this baby. I'm gonna whisper something. Classic shitty TV trope. In case there's like an omniscient eye somehow. Oh, you wiped out everyone out there, okay? Just in case.
That's a huge reveal. That could be like, Jon has like Targaryen powers. Jon might be like a dragon rider at some point. He might be impervious to fire. All these amazing things that might be like huge in the next two seasons. Again, such a big reveal to me that I wish that they spent a little more time on it.
And I also wish that that was the ending of the season. Especially when you're fighting an army of ice people and you're fireproof. You're like, yeah, this might work out. I wish, because the sound conveniently cut off when she said whatever the name was. I want Rand to snap back and be like, fuck, grab the tree again. And like, get closer. Okay, good, I got it.
Got a new location on the map. We're at the Citadel. In keeping with this season's long running, we hired a bunch of sitcom writers to punch up some of our scripts. They have this wacky Monty Python character working at the Citadel with his weird glass things. Put the thing in my hand and bring it right in my hand. I can see that you're overweight, but you know what if people are watching, wouldn't this be funny in a pretty dark show?
They're like, everyone always just throws shade at librarians. Librarians are normal people.
Now women are babies. Alright, they're going to hang with you then. This will be fun for everybody.
First of all, their lighting situation is fucked in that library. It's pitch black when he's walking through a hallway, and there's no top to the hallway, and suddenly it's the brightest place I've ever seen. Also, his task is impossible to go to the Citadel, see if you can find something in one of your books that'll tell us how to stop the white bloggers. Someone just wrote that book and stuck it in the library. There's no one taking inventory.
You'd be like, this is the one that has white water stuff. I have to just read them all. There's no card shit a lot. It's like, what sir do you know the Dewey Decimal system? It would explain itself.
This is an episode that we've talked about bells. I know we already had the segment of the show called Bell Discussion. Bell Talk?
Maybe. Lady Elena throwing shade at all the sand snakes in like gleeful fan service.
What's your name? Oh, it doesn't matter what your name is.
I'm so cool. And then they ring a bell that is, Varys is cute to come out of the darkness and say fire and blood. I'm Varys. And someone's like, no, it'd be really cool if she says something that's like, why should I help you? And then we ring a bell and then you come and it's like, I came all this way.
Let's get into predictions. What are you guys thinking is going to happen for the rest of the show? The biggest thing that I'm looking forward to is kind of Jaime Cersei's situation. So I feel like her, with all this power now, like, is she just going to, I don't know, I'm curious to see just how evil she can be. I think it would be really funny if, at the end of the show, like the very last episode in the epilogue, Dany's sitting on the iron throne and she just gets her raven and they haven't checked in on Marina for a while and was like, oh, Dario killed himself immediately after you left and then Marina burned to the ground.
She was like, huh, smashed black. Like Soprano style?
You don't want the episodes over yet? Don't stop. Hey everyone, thank you for watching this video. We're at a Game of Thrones now. We have no other shows that we should respond to and it's a real pickle.
We're thinking, should we go into old shows that we love? Like, would you guys watch Simpsons? Old episodes of Simpsons or Sopranos or anything like that?
Or should we do Ballers? Who wants to do Ballers? But let us know in the comments what shows you want us to do, if anything.
Or just tell us to f*** off. I don't care. Miles? Ask who the f*** I am. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_get_in_the_cage_with_liam_neeson_saturday_night_live | Now it's time for getting the Cage where actor Nicolas Cage sits down with fellow thespians to discuss their recent work. Please welcome Nicolas Cage and Liam Neeson. Thank you so much for coming! It's an honor to be here with the great Nick Cage. That's very kind You Liam!
Now you're in the upcoming film Battleship, a movie in which robot aliens invade Earth from the ocean. Yep, so I guess my first question is how am I not in that movie? It has both the classic elements. I look for in a Nick Cage film. One. it's based on a children's board game and two, you don't need to speak English to enjoy it. Well, they come. I'm sorry you weren't in the movie, but oh, spare me your pity nieces pieces. I don't need Battleship. I'm developing my own movie. It's called Hungry Hungry Hippos. I play a rogue marble that escapes from hell to exact revenge on the hippos that killed his daughter. Wow, that that sounds really good. don't condescend me, Tal Bono, You know I envy your work. Earlier this year you start in the Gray, a movie about a man fighting off a pack of ravenous wolves with his bare hands. aka the Nick Cage story.
Sorry Seth. Is there a question I'm supposed to know? You're just kind of let him talk. You've also played characters named Raza Al Ghul, and Qui-gon Jinn, which of course are the names of two of my three testicles. I can't believe I'm gonna ask this, but what's the third one called?
We call him the Fixer. They say he makes problems go away. Sure, that makes sense. Look, you're a sweet kid Leslie Nielsen, but you lack the key qualities of a true movie star. namely the skin of a sun-dried gremlin with the oaky tan and chaotic hairline of a Puerto Rican beetlejuice. And that is why we leave one chair empty at Passover.
I'm sure that's not right. you just made my list. Schindler, My Christmas card list. I send them out in April when you least expect it. Hey careful Nick.
I have a very particular set of skills skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.
Yes, your famous monologue from the Taken Trailer. I have to confess, the first time I saw it, I was so filled with terror that Raza Al Ghul and Qui-gon Jinn receded into my stomach. I had to send in the Fixer to bring them back home. That is possibly the most disgusting thing I've ever. That's high praise. Well, as my face off co-star John Travolta would say, which Jewish masseuse do you have to pork to get a gig in this town? They say you shouldn't judge a man till you've walked a mile in his face.
Nobody says that. No one said that.
Well, I have walked in John Travolta's face face off. Come into theaters June 27th, 1997. That was that was 15 years ago.
I don't have time to argue with you and so now Liam and I will ride on to our next adventure. Oh, yeah, What's that? we're gonna kidnap God and we're not gonna let him go until we get our damn money. |
dropout | you_ve_never_seen_star_wars | Movie Night! The one night a year we're allowed to watch movies.
Yeah, movies we love. Movies, movies are classics. They're great without doubts. They're simply the movies we can't live without.
Let's see Return of the King. Watch the Godfather once more. For the one hundredth time, let's rewatch Star Wars! I actually haven't seen Star Wars.
No! You! What? Have good jobs! I'm gonna fucking kill you! What? Killer!
Okay, I haven't seen Star Wars, so what? So what? That pisses me off in ways I can't explain. Why? It's just a movie.
I used to coach Star Wars all the time with my elementary school friends. And I had seven Star Wars lunch boxes. Okay, so you guys like it because of the nostalgia?
No! Don't ever imply that again.
Star Wars is a story of epic proportions. It's a cultural touchstone.
How have you never seen it? I don't know. I just haven't. I mean, it really isn't that weird that I haven't seen it.
It came out in, like, 1977. Um, actually, Rekha, it came out in 1977.
Yeah. Okay, listen.
Star Wars fans seem to be under the impression that I should have already seen Star Wars. So does that mean if I'm only seeing it now, it won't be as good?
No! The visual effects were revolutionary for their time! For their time!
I get that it's a piece of film history, but my family never watched it, so they never made me watch it. How hard is it to sit down and watch a movie? Okay, she should watch it in machete order 45236. No, because if she doesn't see episode one that she won't know where Darth Maul is, then when he pops up in solo action, she should watch it in theatrical order, and she cannot watch the special editions. Well, the best quality is the 1993 laser disc, and I don't have that, but I do have the 1997 VHS. Hon shot first. That's the only way to watch it. Why is there a way to watch a movie? Movies should not come with instructions. But this doesn't come with instructions. Waker, I'm just so sad thinking of all the Star Wars references that you would never have understood. Maybe we should just stop arguing and watch the movie.
No! I'm too pissed that you haven't seen Star Wars to let you see Star Wars. No! I am going to poop my pants! I'm so sad!
Oh, well. Okay, okay, okay. All right, okay. Hey, instead of arguing and breaking things that are near us, how about we just watch it? I said that. And then if Raka doesn't like it, we can toss her out the window. Okay, yeah. You guys ready? Yeah! This part's really important. Okay. This part right here.
It's literally just the title. You have to read at the start of the movie. You can't miss it.
No talking while it's on! We're starting over. Yay! Nope! This movie night sucks, okay?
I'm going to go home and watch Breaking Bad. I've never seen Breaking Bad.
What? |
SaturdayNightLive | kenan_kelly_snl | So how did this all go down? it all happened so fast. Oh, Kenan Thompson, The Legend, please. Hey, can you have a fun? Yes, I'm working with my idols. Stop it. No, no, no, seriously, man, I grew up watching you as a kid. You know, I've always wanted to work with you. You know, I've actually got an idea for this project I'd love to talk to you about later. That's cool. Absolutely. Anything with Kiki Palmer's name on it, I'm there, no questions asked. for real?
Because I got this idea for a reboot. a reboot? of what? sit down on the couch, a flip on that Terry, getting wild. it's the style of Kenan and Kelly. all the glasses and laughs when you come home from school. Cause Kenan and Kelly gonna break all the rules. Kenan and Kelly. I should have asked questions. I thought it was going to be a Jordan Peele produced streaming series. I wouldn't say yes to Kenan and Kelly, but now it's just Kelly. I had already sold the show before I even met Kenan. I told the producers we wrote it together. whip this place in the shape, Honky.
Cause of me, Rigby now sells fresh sushi. yeah, maybe too fresh. Kelly. I think that salmon you caught might be a piranha. uh-oh, here come the bus. Kel's famous catchphrase was all here it goes. Kiki decided to say, uh-oh, here comes the bus. but there weren't no buses. come on, Kelly. you can't keep taking orange sodas. just put it on my tab. I'm good for it. Ok. that was one of the orange sodas, Kelly. don't yell at me.
Cause guess what? I'm pregnant with your child. Kiki was gunning for an Emmy award. so she wanted greedy and dramatic moments in it. and I thought, that won't work. And I was right.
Hey, Kelly, did you fix the slush-o machine? Yep. get us new. try it out, Kenan. don't mind if I do. I've been craving a delicious slush-o for weeks now. well, now that seems odd. No. Kelly, why would you tell me it is fixed? you are such an- what? an idiot.
Go ahead and say it. it ain't like I heard it before. my mama used to get drunk every day and call me an idiot. that's what it's like growing up in Chi-rack. sometimes the bottle's only free. my uncle told her to blame me for my daddy leaving me. How you going to blame a little girl for that man being a coward?
Here come the bus. Well, we just carded, and I think we have a tone issue. but people seem excited about it, I guess. Hey, Kenan. hey, Devon, good job on the song, man. thank you, man. I can do other stuff, too, though. check this out. Welcome to Good Burger, Home of the Good Burger. can it take your order? I'm a dude. he's a dude. she's a dude, because we're all dudes, Hey! So, stuff like that. well, thank you, Devon. of course. but I think we already found someone.
Love's on soda. Kill Love's on soda.
Oh, sweet baby!
Kenan, it's been so long, man. What you been up to? Hands up, everybody! this is a robbery. give me all the money in the register. Oh, no, you not stealing a dime, Mr. Robber. Kenan, you been wondering where I been at, right? I been learning the art of karate. hey! hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! hey, Kenan!
Who went in for this kale food? baby needs his father. you heard that right, Kenan. Carol's the father.
I slept with him just to hurt you. Why do I hurt the wall? I love you. the show is not good, but Jordan Hill called us. he wants us to do a sequel to Nope. yeah. |
cracked | 2017_people_watching_season_2_episode_1 | So how was 2017 for you? Disappointing. Oh my god, sometimes I have nightmares where it's still 2017. Why make a film about 2017, if you don't mind my asking? So we asked around and it seemed like a lot of people felt like 2017 was kind of a turning point in a lot of ways. Yeah, it did kind of feel like society was heading in one direction. And then 2017.
Yeah, exactly. So we figured that was worth talking about, basically. Yes.
There were certainly some horrid things in the news. I think I've tried to forget most of it. I may or may not have blocked out most of that year. Not sure how much good I'm going to be to you here. No, no. Whatever you feel like talking about is fine. Partisanship. That was the theme of the year, I mean, my goodness.
Suddenly everyone seemed like they were divided into different groups like different races on Star Trek. Oh, you can just dismiss so-and-so those Romulans are all the same. Just say nothing of the freaking Nazis.
There was a lot of hatred in 2017. Looking back, that was the first year I really started thinking about how most people have most things in common, but we focus on the few differences and turn everything into us versus them. But there actually is an us and them. And it's normal people and extremists. And they win when the rest of us are fighting amongst ourselves. Ideological extremists, but then also financial extremists. If you trade lies for money, you're still a fanatic. Hashtag 2017 to use the relevant vernacular. It seemed like extreme personality types had been getting rewarded with power for quite a while.
So you'd say there's a lot of difficulty in 2017. Yeah, that's one word for it. People should understand how needlessly difficult it was for young people in 2017.
When you build a society that has infinite potential for personal success but you don't structure in the kind of controls that ensure that everyone progresses in relative unison, you rather negatively impact the minds and wallets of the upcoming generation. It was like musical chairs, except there's more chairs than people. And you still don't get a seat somehow.
And tell me about where we are right now. Okay, so this is the neighborhood where I lived in 2017. The usual thing of something looking affordable, but then your rent is 180% of your income. I had to move twice in 2017.
You get new owners in and they quickly jack up the price before you can introduce yourself and put a face on things. That was really the year where I started to notice how some people don't actually want to live in a society. They would just not give an inch if it meant someone else would benefit and not them. I think all my favorite restaurants were out of business by 2017 because of rent hikes. Property developers in an office somewhere that you never meet just making decisions for everyone else about the character of your neighborhood.
These are of course things I didn't necessarily even realize at the time, but I've come to realize. There's much that seems more than bizarre in hindsight. Attitudes toward mental illness and disease, that was a huge theme. Even my own attitude was pretty disappointing, to be honest. Though it got me thinking at least. Are you thinking? Yeah, about how for better or for worse should be a vow for friendship too and not just married people.
There's this huge opiates epidemic. The one we wouldn't have had if we treated drug addiction humanely in the 80s and 90s. And if you have any other disease, this whole huge support system materializes around you to make sure you're taken care of. But if you have the disease of addiction, you're just left for dead?
Why? You chose to take the drugs? Well guess what? I can think of a couple other things we choose to do that cause a disease, but we don't consider those immoral failing.
2017. There's always some backwards inhuman aspect to society that's only acknowledged in retrospect. And it can really get you down. Really get you down. I was so depressed in 2017, I can't even tell you. You just feel like you're not successful enough, and you're not pretty enough, and you're not experienced enough, and no matter what you do, it's just not good enough. And you feel like it's just you. Which is the worst part. I've never spoken about this, but in the summer of 2017, I was so depressed I was afraid to leave the house in case I happened to walk past a bridge. I'll actually never forget that.
And it was a great tragedy that we'd publicly celebrate the artistic expression of very sad people, but we wouldn't expend quite as much effort in protecting them. Some people feel more, and the rest of us can't just sit back and enjoy the good parts and leave them at the mercy of themselves. And that lesson can only come too late. When have too many people died for them to have died for nothing?
I think it was 2017 when I started to think about things differently. You mentioned Star Trek earlier. There's actually a new Star Trek series that came out this year.
There was. Very exciting.
What would you say about culture in 2017? It seems like it wasn't that different from previous decades. Pop music, video games, Star Trek? Yes, the individuality of decades was noticeably on the decline in 2017. As music and technology sort of plateaued, I suppose I'd say.
I mean, I spent 2017 listening to the kind of thing that would have been called Oldies once. I think I was listening to The Smiths. Their last album came out 30 years earlier. But my parents listened to classical, and when's the last time Brahms put out a record?
I think the more time goes by, the more you realize the good things will always be good. They're immune to the passing of time and all its sickening crimes.
Unlike me, unfortunately.
Well, I think you were great. Thanks so much.
Star Trek's a great example of how culture changes but doesn't change, and the way it always reflects the need for a positive vision based on the problems of the time. So in the 1960s, it had Americans and Russians working together, and then in the 80s and 90s, you had stories about privileged societies rationalizing ways to not make war. And then in 2017, Star Trek seemed to say it wasn't good enough that the real world was such an insane contradiction with prejudice being instantly transmitted across the planet by fiber optic cables, cavemen taking great distances by things they could never have created themselves. We were kind of halfway to Star Trek in 2017. We had the ships, but not the crew. I think a lot of stuff is always going to be the same. You look back at other centuries, and it feels like another planet, but it wasn't.
And I guess it becomes a little easier when you're looking back on a time that was recorded in 1080p. You notice so much. I think 2017 was around the time when people started to actually take notice of the problems other people had been dealing with their whole lives. By December, I was just looking back on the blissful 90s with Shane. 2017 was like one of those cows where you have a hatch in the side so you can see into the digestive system. There was a lot of shit that became visible.
So compared to how things are now, do you think the world has gotten better, worse? Well, I'm biased because I live here, but I can honestly say that things have gotten loads better since 2017. That's the thing. 2017 seemed like the friggin' end times, but even the ideal future of Star Trek was built on the ashes of World War III. Good people only run for office when things have been terrible, and I would tell people 2017 was the end of a lot of complacency. I might be very slightly older and marginally less beautiful than I was in 2017, but the world is at least going in the other direction, so it's pretty much worth it.
When you've known someone your whole life, you don't notice them aging, though. Yeah, so the fact that the same familiar world looks so visibly different now says a lot. Like, holy shit, Earth, did you get work done? Earth is hot. And for all the young people watching, you think aging sucks, but what doesn't suck is living long enough to see the world improve. This great, immortal creature that seems to only get younger and more open-minded and more advanced.
Can you believe self-cleaning fabrics didn't exist in 2017? Can you imagine having to constantly wash all of your clothes?
It's craziness. I tell my grandkids, and they just stare at me. They think I'm joking.
That's actually kind of why we wanted to do this project, to kind of see if there's a new way to really help bridge that gap between now and the past. That's terrific if we could help. Oh, for sure, and there's actually more to it as well.
So what we did was take scans of some old photos of all of you, and we're actually using the CG program that we developed to transform all you guys on the screen in real time. So while right now, I'm in person, I'm seeing you as you are in 2067. The people watching the documentary are going to see and hear you guys exactly as you would have appeared 50 years ago in 2017.
Oh, wow, really? Indeed. So the concept we had for this was that, you know, whenever you watch documentaries, you're always looking back on things, so you kind of don't really connect with the past as much as you should. And that's a shame because... I completely get what you mean.
You watch World War II documentaries, and you think the war was fought by old men, but they were like 20 at the time. Wars fought by kids, and you never get a sense of that. And not only kids, but kids who cared about the same things we do. Kids who weren't different from you. Yeah, every generation does things for the same reasons.
It just looks different due to technology. 100 years ago, that would have been an aspirational ad for cars. And 100 years from now, it'll be an ad for teleporters. But each time, it's just people wanting to fill the same need. Yeah, if you guys got a technology that can help people see those parallels, then you really got something there. Because not being able to see the parallels was the entire problem 50 years ago.
Yeah, we really wanted to try a new style of documentary. Start by hopefully making 2017 way more real for the people watching this. Oh, I can't wait to see this. I looked friggin' great 50 years ago. Bring on the footage. We can actually show you how you look on the monitor here.
Oh my goodness. Wow.
Hi, I remember you. Oh, you handsome devil.
God, it's like time travel. It's so weird. Suddenly, I can kind of remember all those people I used to be. This is the kind of thing 2017 needed. That's such a good idea, though. Looking back on 2017, you remember all the problems caused by people not seeing each other as the same. Living in a society physically, but not mentally.
Yeah, for sure. So thank you for being part of this. Oh, well, thank you.
Okay, but how's the documentary going to end, though? Oh, you should kind of fade out on the CG to show how we actually look in the present day. Blow some minds. Is the scenery CG'd as well? Oh, the big reveal at the end.
Like, hi, this is me now. But inside, I basically still think I'm 30, so I'm glad you could see me how I see myself as well.
Is there anything else you'd like people to know? People say, oh, don't get tattoos. What about when you're old?
But take a look at me. I look friggin' badass. Sorry to all the moms and dads watching.
I want to say that there aren't the divisions that you think there are between you and your grandparents. Or now in the past, or anyone, really. That's you in the history books. If you were somewhere else. There's no such thing as oldies. I want you to know that I might not look like you, but I used to. And life wasn't that different for me when I was your age.
So yeah, you know how we thought the world was going to shit? Guess what? Everyone has always thought that.
And then they have kids who are way smarter and nicer than them. Kids, aka future old people.
2017, it completely did feel like a turning point, but it was because what was happening in the world changed us to see how willing we were to fight for a better world. And we were pretty damn willing as it turned out. Just on a personal level, I started to push back against things in 2017. Because I wanted to still be here in 50 years. If you'd like to know the story of 2017, have a look at 2067, because one led to the other. Because that's how it works. It's really the perfect year to use in this movie.
It seemed like it was one thing and then it turned out to be something else. Something that brought us together. It didn't feel like it then, but we were just links in a chain. And I think that chain gradually gets too long to ignore.
Nothing really divides us. Not even time. There's one race and that's the human race. I'm actually not surprised you chose 2017 to make a film about it.
That was around the time I started to imagine a better future. And the only way to make sure there's a future is to remember that we're all someone else's past. Oh, we should end on that. Nice one. Well, I had 80 years to think of it. |
cracked | why_aren_t_they_spending_money_advertising_wonder_woman | Okay, I'll go first. Wonder Woman! What's up with the advertising for the Wonder Woman movie? I did not realize that this movie was coming out so soon, and yet I have seen several billboards for how to be a Latin lover. Starring Rob Lowe. And we're honestly not the first to talk about it. We're not the only ones to notice. Sure. If you search Wonder Woman advertising, there is articles and articles and articles of people asking the same questions we are. Why is there not more Wonder Woman advertising? What is this tactic? If they have been following the demographics, it's actually women are more likely to see superhero films. So if you give us the opportunity to have someone that we can connect with, you're going to get more butts in seats. We spend a lot of money on movies. I don't know. Women are easy to rally right now. We're ready to gear up and support. There is a way that this could have been well-marketed and a good campaign about strong, empowered women, and we're seeing nothing. Although I did Google today why people hate Wonder Woman, and I saw she's not a real feminist because she shaves her pits and girls got put on pants. So I think there's a little bit of a backlash against it, which is not surprising.
Did you say they want to see that bush? Did you want this one?
Oh, this bush. The shrubbery.
The film industry is about money. That is their foremost thing. They're always like, it's about making money, it's about what sells. They would make a ton of money if they put the amount of effort that they put into their other films.
Even into the bad movie. Maybe it's a bad movie, but that hasn't stopped them before, right? You were saying that they have responded. They have heard some of this backlash and have started releasing a few other trailers and TV spots or what have you.
Yeah, that's cool. That's good. That's definitely a step in the right direction.
A little bit late. Do you think the director was outside the door being like, um, today could we? No, okay. Today could, okay.
I think she was probably like, hey guys, everybody's talking. And I've been saying, maybe we should do more. So it's that big thing.
They think that women don't want to see superhero movies. Listen, I have been a Spider-Man superfan since I was the age of four. And it's the same with video games. People assume that women don't play them.
It's 50%. It's 50-50.
Make the advertising. We'll buy it. We'll eat it up. Make me t-shirts. I'll buy the entire collection.
I never ask for advertisements. I never do.
But right now, give me those advertisements. I want the merch. I want everything, okay?
And also, I think it shouldn't just be like delegated to only women. Like I like that there is a NASCAR that is a Wonder Woman feature, but like I think it could also, a man could feature that. It doesn't have to be like only women are attached to it. I love Captain America and I'm a woman. Like it can reverse. You can like a different gender.
Also, when I watch this trailer, it's hard to figure out what exactly is even happening. I mean, I know it's like a period piece set in World War II or something. World War I. World War I. That's even more interesting. Yeah, because it's never... We always skip over. We always go to World War II. There was a war before that. And like the fact that we have now a superhero who is involved in that is like such a cool way to present that piece of history. Yeah, totally.
They're selling you, not even like Wonder Woman, but they're selling you the shock of Wonder Woman and not the story. Not, I have no idea what the plot is, who the villain is, who like what they're setting up. I just know that Wonder Woman is in it and she's powerful.
She looks real good. And she's got a buddy. They're friends. Oh, he's such a dreamboat.
I'm gonna put it out there advertisers if you happen to be watching this. And you're like, you know what? Here's the thing. We just didn't know how to advertise to women. Just, okay, how would you advertise to a man and just do that? Just do it. Just do that.
Women have been stepping the shoes of men our entire lives. Captain America, Spider-Man, Thor, Thor. Men can do it too.
Yeah. I'll go for the merch. All you have to do is be like, put it on a t-shirt. Yeah, give me an action figure. It's the same thing. Honestly, I would love to wear a dope Wonder Woman shirt to all of my protests. Oh, I would love to see a man in Wonder Woman whitey-tities at the protests. At the protests. Yes.
I'm loving all these. These are great pitches. Now I'm excited to see it. Now I'm excited to see the movie.
I feel better now. I feel better too, man.
Thanks, guys. This is good. This is great. This is really nice. Thank you.
It's happening Tuesday, May 9th at Meltdown Comics in Los Angeles. If you want to see amazing comedians, including our own Theresa Lee, go to NerdmeltLA.com slash tickets. And if you want to see me drink this very, very hot coffee, out, out, out, out. |
cracked | if_dating_websites_were_people | Hi, I'm... If she expressed a racist opinion, break your comfort with that. Zero. So you... If your partner was unfaithful, would you burn books or the American flag? I don't... Okay.
Stale is to steal as 46125 is to what? That's irrelevant. Oh, if you say that's irrelevant, I can't get you laid. Go away.
Well, I actually am. Oh, I think he's gonna ask. Ask where I'm from?
He's got a ring. I can see the bulge. What's his phone?
Is it? Is he the one? Let's feel it.
This stranger does not have a ring in his pocket. It's a good thing I brought one then. Jesus Christ. Our lord and savior. Oh, good. A ring. Well, she is clearly about that Old Testament life. If you're not, it's whatever.
Nah, nah, nah. Go talk to her. Nah, nah. Talk to her. Nah, nah. Go talk to her.
Is this totally random? He's swiping a storm, bruh.
Not just gonna bang whoever's in the room. Someone say bang whoever's in the room? Because with the GP sex. Oh, you don't want that.
Seriously, this guy is so perfect for you. He, I need more money. He's in your age range. He is fully employed. And he, I need more money.
Perfect. Here you go. Here's all his info. Ooh.
But unfortunately for you, he didn't give me more money. So you're not gonna see him.
Have a good night. Hey, these two sentences seem hot. We can look fine, Connie. You're a cop, right? You deserve a stress-free perfect.
With a mature, worldly, technically married guy. What does technically married mean? Just in the legal sense, honey. But his wife will never find out.
That's what makes it a victimless crime. And you definitely won't get murdered. You definitely won't get murdered.
Probably. Forget that noise. Meet somebody so great, they can squeeze you in between their 12 o'clock and their 12 food. Oh, you get it. So don't really think of it so much as a sugar daddy arrangement? Because my generation prefers the term kept woman. Yeah. Hi. Meet someone who shares your desire to conceive a president. Meet someone who hopes you're a lot less experienced in life and bed.
You're a farmer, right? You're a mudder rat. Ye be a navigator of the high seas, right? Does anybody know what I am?
That's it. I'm quitting the internet.
I mean, does this crap work for anybody? I doubt it.
So do I. Looks like you and I have something in common. Yeah. Well, maybe we should talk about that. Yeah. Like over a drink sometime or something like that. I've got a better idea.
Guys, thank you so much for watching this dope video. Please subscribe if you haven't already. Yes, please subscribe if you haven't already.
And also let us know in the comments what other dating websites might be out there that we missed. We've seen that there are some really weird ones, so there's probably a lot more. So find them and tell us about them. We want to know. We're going to go make out now. What? |
TheOnion | Is_Taking_Vitamins_An_Adequate_Substitute_For_Eating_Rhino_Horns | Tastes like lollipop. It's good. Vitamins. They're good for us, right?
But as we learn more about nutrition, an increasing number of experts are starting to ask, are vitamins really an adequate substitute for eating a healthy, balanced diet of rhinoceros horn? Although vitamins can help round out your diet, there really is no good alternative to eating plenty of fresh rhino horn, ideally three to five servings a day. In addition to dietary fiber, rhino horn contains dozens of essential nutrients that your body just can't get from store-bought vitamins. That's because, as humans, we've been evolving to depend on a rhino horn diet for tens of thousands of years. It's true that rhino horn might not always be the most exciting thing to eat, but if you're tired of your usual rhino horn routine, try having some fun with it. Blend it up in a smoothie, mix it in with a salad or a stir fry, or simply grind it up and sprinkle it on your morning oatmeal. There's no reason eating rhino horn has to be the same old boring chore. Maybe someday they'll figure out an alternative to rhino horn, but until then, if you want to be healthy, we'll have to keep doing it the old-fashioned way.
For The Onion, I'm Jill Hooper. |
dropout | hardly_working_box_fort | Hey Jeff, can I talk to you for a second? Sure, come in.
So I know we talked about this before, you can't have the box fort, you're going to have to take it down. You know the thing is I looked into it and there's actually no rule that says you cannot have a box fort. Actually they're pretty much all rules that I can't have box forts, so.
Guys, I think I might need a little help on this one. Great, thanks.
Even if that wasn't a lie, you built it right on top of Kevin's desk. Kevin is willing to make sacrifices for the good of the box fort. No I'm not. Jeff, you don't even have a computer in here, you haven't done work for over a week. The work done inside the box fort trumps all the work being done out there. If you don't take down this box fort, I'm going to take it down for you. This box fort will not crumble under the threats of a fart-mouthed stupid head.
You are nothing. You've been warned.
The box people will not abide by your bigoted, boxophobic laws. Come on men, prepare for box battle. You are here today because you are grave, fast, strong. You are here because some dicks put boxes on top of your desks. This battle will not be easy. The box people show no mercy. Today we invade the box fort. Many of you will not return alive, but know that you have died proudly at the hands of a far superior enemy. Today we rise. The box fort falls.
Voora! Charge! Show no box mercy! Voora!
It didn't have to come to this. No, Josh. You did. |
dropout | nude_cardboard_cutout_amir_tries_to_be_ampm_s_spokesman_part_3 | No, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Come here. As you know, I've been asking to be the spokesperson of am p.m What you don't know is that there's only one of me to go around. I made cardboard cutouts of me to scale This is both my height and my weight. What? I am way for thin He's so light this one is wearing a windbreaker, but he doesn't have to so for example, okay, so we just change it Wow The bear chest you did it shirtless, huh? He is barrel-chested. That's correct. I sort of have a garden Wow, this is not to scale you might be arrested for this Let me show you some options and the fancy boy is complete ready for a coattail party or a box social that took you four and a half hours Now this is a holiday themed me complete with both So what thinks you I like it which means he's the new spokesperson Okay, guys, I'm sorry.
Yeah, you're so like say aloha to your new spokesperson aloha It means goodbye, I'm sorry, okay You know what I I am the CEO Okay Just telling the truth. I've been the CEO the whole time. She's a secret CEO Holy shish kebabs and part of being the CEO is making a really really hard decisions and But I cannot hire you unless I would like to hire you and then fire you So I was the spokesperson It's fun, we've had a lot of memories Suddenly, okay time to go.
Yeah I'll just keep this here just in case you change your mind. I'm not about I'm pretty set my ways Get them on out |
dropout | Disney_Parks_The_Next_Big_Movie_Franchise | Animated classics, live action reboots, Pixar, Star Wars, Marvel Cinematic Universe. We own it all, but it's not enough. We here at Disney will not rest until we have drained every last dime out of every franchise we own. Hell yeah! That is why we are launching the Disney theme park Cinematic Universe. Pirates of the Caribbean, a cash cow, and we are ready to release Jungle Cruise, an entire movie based off the ******* ride in the park starring Dwayne the Rock Johnson.
That's my boy. And Emily Blunt. That's my *******.
Now you all know why you're here. You're my dream team. We made a billion off of a ******* boat ride with creepy animatronic pirates. Let's fart out some gold people. I got it, I got it, I got it.
Hall of Presidents, the movie. All the presidents come alive at night and walk around the halls. I'm sorry, did you just pitch the exact same plot as Night at the Museum?
Oh yeah, I guess it is. Okay, get out. Get out. Get out, get your ******* to your car, drive down to ******* Tiffany's, and buy me the biggest ******* ring they have because you're a ******* genius. We're getting married, we're making it, it is Greenland, okay?
This is what I want. Okay, that's what I want in life.
So there's that big golf ball looking thing at... Epcot. Yeah, I've seen pictures of it.
Yes. Spaceship Earth. Sure, fine. What if that thing gets super lonely and like depressed, because none of the other little golf balls want to talk to it because it's such like a weird freak or whatever, then the writers will figure it out from there. Just shut the **** up. Because I've heard everything I need to hear, it's perfect, it's Greenland, we're making it next time. Next idea, please. I got it. Alright, here we go. A movie inspired by the Haunted Mansion ride. We already did that with Eddie Murphy. Oh. And it doesn't ******* matter, we're going to make it again. I love it. We're doing it.
While we're at it, I want a reboot of the Jungle Cruise movie we just made, okay? We're going to get John Cena and Amy Adams. And then I want a reboot of that reboot with Batista and Jessica Chastain.
Why is no one writing this down?
Second idea. We do one based on the rock and roller coaster starring Aerosmith. And the movie stars Aerosmith. We CGI their ******* faces so that they look young and hot again and Liv Tyler plays their grandma. Oh, she's old enough.
What? I hate it. I hate how much I love it.
It's Greenland. Next. Chicken Little. That's just a ******* movie, it's not a ride. I'm very sorry. Let me finish. Okay, that's why we're going to make it a ride. And then we're going to take that ride, we're going to make it a movie. Next. Mickey and Friends parking structure. Greenlit. Tangled toilets. Greenlit. Six Flags. We don't own it.
Yeah, it's Greenland. Bag check. Greenland. Waiting in line. It's Greenland.
Dole Whips. What the **** did you just say? Dole Whips.
It's that popular dessert we serve in the park. It's soft serve and pineapple, it's all mixed, it's all good, tasty.
Go **** yourself. You're right, I'm stupid. Take this cup, go in the bathroom, and go **** yourself right into it, okay? And then you bring it back here and I'm going to put it up inside myself and I'm going to have your babies because you're a ******* genius. I love the idea.
It's Greenland. It's Greenland!
Let's go to lunch. Oh, God. |
cracked | explaining_all_the_matrix_movies_1_4 | Hello, Mr. Greeting, I've imprisoned you in the Matrix. The only way to escape back to the world of the real is to watch and explain every Matrix movie. What?
I think he's gonna pop. Gonna pop.
Greeting. Uh, fine. The logos are green and shit, that's cool, you know, Warner Brothers is green and glitchy. You know something's wrong with the world, we are about to enter. Boys and girls.
And worse, some freaky looking Japanese katakama number hybrid thing is running down the screen like blood running down a urinal is the first metaphor that came to mind and definitely shouldn't be admissible in court. Anyway, over this knot blood, we hear a conversation about how a man is currently watching another man but a woman wants to take a shift watching the man, which is kinda hot. Even hotter, she's worried the phone is bugged and before I can double check to make sure I'm on HBO Max and not Pornhub, it turns out that she's right and a bunch of cops enter a building and they let the fat one kick down a door to reveal a pretty leather lady. Oh, is there such a thing? Some FBI looking some bitches show up and are immediately annoyed the cops went in without them. The cops are like, I think we can handle one little girl. Being the FBI guy who looks kinda like the Lord of Rivendell weirdly is like incorrect. Your men are already dead. We then cut back to the leather lady who, in fact, murders everybody in the coolest possible chair kicking wall running air floating ways and also she shoots this random cop like 15 times.
She then whips out a cell phone from like a decade or so before smartphones were invented but it's still pretty rad. She's then told her hard line has been cut and she's gotta get out of there. And now it's a foot chase between her, the cops, and the FBI dudes and she and the FBI looking dudes make some impossible jumps but eventually she reaches a payphone which she puts to her ears seconds before it's slammed by a truck driven by an FBI guy. Hope that call was worth it. Now Clark Kent is gonna have to change in the alley like some jackass. And anyway, the FBI dudes inspect the rubble and determine there's a decided lack of pretty leather everywhere so she must have escaped somehow.
This is starting to feel like a confusingly gritty Bill and Ted reboot. Speaking of, cut from there to a sleeping Keanu which is the least effective but most undeniably adorable Keanu form. His computer techs some stuff at him and tells him to follow the white rabbit but before he can yell at his computer or throw it out the window, some red headed dude and his three weird friends knock at the door and demand a software thing. Keanu gives it to them and the dude is like, thank you, you're basically like Jesus. Hm. Interesting. He also says Keanu looks terrible and also the red headed guy loves the mescaline and does Keanu think that maybe combining those will result in a net positive? Keanu, who's named Neo by the way, says, brobs not but then he notices a white rabbit tattoo on one of the girl's shoulders so he says, okay, never mind, I'll go to your dumb party. So that's the story of how Neo finds himself at this horny S&M leather daddy club and the pretty leather lady from earlier, from the intro, comes up and is like, hey, I'm Trinity and Neo's like, oh, I thought you were a dude. Most guys do. Which isn't the most polite way to greet somebody.
Mind if I squeeze in here for a moment? Oh! But Neo asks her what The Matrix is and it's like the movie you're in, dummy. You can't kill me, Matrix. You need me to find your daughter. No, not that one.
Then Neo's alarm goes off at exactly 9.18, which is not a great time to set your alarm for. He's like, oh, I'm late for work. But I'm like, yeah, because you set your alarm for 9.18, you moron. I work from Holman. I still don't wake up that late.
Neo's boss is understandably pretty pissed that Mr. Anderson, okay. So his full name is Neo Anderson and he's like, you got to be here on time or you're going to get fired. And Neo Anderson is like, yeah, I'll do better.
And then immediately proceeds to sit in his cubicle with his computer turned completely off. I actually don't think he's very devoted to his work.
This guy walks over and hands him another one of those timeless cell phones and it rings and a guy named Morpheus says, hey, the cops are going to arrest you unless you do exactly what I say. Put yourself in a situation to maybe fall off a building. Neo gives it a try, but ultimately what's his out because have you seen those parkour gone wild videos? You said parkour gone wild.
And he's arrested. Neo is interrogated by one of the FBI boys and it's revealed that Neo is his hacker name while Thomas Anderson is his straight-laced computer software man name. They want him to help catch Morpheus who they claim is the most dangerous man. Neo says no, flips the bird and then they sew his mouth shut with magic and give him a literal stomach bug. That feels excessive. But then Neo wakes up. So maybe it was a dream except nevermind Morpheus immediately calls and says, no, it wasn't a dream.
Meet me under a bridge. And you must have had terrible parents because he agrees to get picked up to meet the stranger under a literal bridge in the middle of the night. The people in the car, including Trinity, just suck them in the backseat.
Like with a machine. Like a machine that sucks out his tummy bug. It reminds me of high school.
Eventually Neo is delivered to a very happy and smiley Morpheus. Morpheus tries to explain what the Matrix is. You can't kill me Matrix. Again, no. But yeah, Morpheus admits he can't really explain it all here.
But all the things he just said about fate and control and being slaves to the system sounded rad as hell. So they needed to be said.
Morpheus offers Neo two pills. If he takes the blue one, he'll forget everything that happened and wake up in his bed. But if he takes the red, he'll learn what the Matrix is. What it truly is. And Neo takes the blue pill. And that's the end of the Matrix franchise.
For all credit's sake, everybody for watching this video. Please like and subscribe so we can continue making more of these things. I love you guys. We do it for you. It's for the fans. We couldn't do it without you. You guys are the best. I love you, mom.
You took the red pill. You took the red pill?
Ugh. Alright, so whatever.
Neo walks into the adjacent room and there's a bunch of leather-clad computer dweebs with computers and shit and he sits down and they start putting electrodes on him. Morpheus tells Neo that he ate a tracking program or something. But Neo isn't paying attention because a broken mirror kind of fixes itself in front of him. So he touches the mirror but it's really sticky and he ends up accidentally eating it because Neo is a toddler.
This sort of kills him, I guess, and he wakes up in a vat covered with tubes and looking like a gooey hairless skinny bane. I was born in it. He's not the only one, however, as he realizes he's in like an infinitely large warehouse full of red pods, presumably filled with other hairless weirdos. A definitely grossed out robot flies up and jokes Neo a little bit, but before he can call it daddy, it unplugs a tube from the back of his head. Then Neo's flushed like a gooey turd, but before he drowns, he's scooped up by an arcade game, claw thing. He wakes up on an operating table with a bunch of acupuncture needles in his body and Morpheus claims they're rebuilding his muscles because he's never used them before. Nor his eyes, for that matter, and after gaining a little strength, Morpheus tells Neo it's not actually 1999, it's like 2199 or thereabouts, and they're on a hovercraft called the Nebuchadnezzar, presumably referring to the biblical king who went nuts and started eating grass like a cow. It's piloted by a motley crew, Apoc, Switch, Trinity, Cipher, Tank, Dozer, and a mousy little shit named Mouse, who really needs a self-esteem talk since they all got to pick their names. You could have been Ghostblade or Titty Wolf. Aim higher, my dude. Tasty wheat. He used this Nebuchadnezzar thing to fly around and hack into the Matrix. Neo still has no idea what the hell they're talking about, so Trinity guides him to a raggedy ass chair and shoves a tube back into his head. He wakes up in a white void that Morpheus refers to as the Construct.
He claims they could put anything in there, from guns to clothes, to an elderly gentleman who is surprisingly honest about all sorts of consumer goods.
Morpheus finally then gets down to brass tacks and explains, okay, so in the early 21st century, humanity created a truly sentient artificial intelligence that in turn crapped out a ton of other sentient machines. At some point a war between us and them started, and as a last-ditch option, humanity shot so much shit into the sky that it blocked out the sun in the hopes that the solar-powered machines would just slow down and die like your calculator after a few hours of riding boobs over and over by yourself in the dark. The machines pivoted, though, and decided to use humans as battery. And now they grow them in fields, and to make sure they don't freak out about the whole thing, the machines built their very own Metaverse for them to live in. That Metaverse is called the Matrix, and is a million times cooler than Zuckerberg's Metaverse will ever be because it doesn't require a d*** damn Facebook account and is seemingly lacking in Nazis. Other people have mentioned how humans would make for crappy batteries, so I won't get too into that, but I will say that if there are growing humans with USB ports in the backs of their heads, surely they could also dumb them down a little bit so that they don't worry so much about their existence? What's more, why set the Matrix in modern times with guns and computers and hardline phones, which, by the way, they used to jack in and out of the Matrix?
Why give humans all these ways to fight back and escape and hack and shit? Why not set it during the Dark Ages, where everybody just sort of sits around and tries to grow corn and stab their neighbors for believing slightly different theological tenets? How would these people ever manage to escape this simulation? Just ride a horse like so fast? Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
Help! I'm being repressed!
Anyway, whatever. All the exposition causes Neo to throw up straight milk and pass out.
When Neo wakes back up, Morpheus is like, yeah, sorry, we don't usually free people from the Matrix after a certain age because their stupid brains can't handle it. But yeah, we did with you, because I believe you are the second coming of the one, which is a dude who was born into the Matrix a long time ago, who could reshape it from the inside and freed the first few humans, and then he died. But an oracle thing claims that dude will come back someday, and I think it's you.
Does that information help? Do you feel better grounded in your existential crisis now? Okay, great, thanks! Hope you save all of human existence that you didn't know needed saving like five minutes ago.
Then Tank walks in and is like, I was born via human sex in our special human city named Zion. That's near the core of the earth, where it's still warm enough to have sex, and wait, did they put acupuncture needles on little Mr. Anderson, you know, to rebuild those muscles? Anyway, want to start training? And instead of throwing up, Neo's like, sure. Now, training in this universe means sticking a tube in the back of your head and then uploading shit directly into your brain, like jiu-jitsu or how to cook a killer omelet. Neo very much likes this process, and does it for 10 hours straight, which causes Tank to claim he's a machine.
Which is a common positive saying in our universe, where machines haven't taken over the world. But I imagine it has very different connotations here. That's like some boss in the 1940s telling his employee like, Man, you're really a Nazi out there today.
You conquered vast swaths of work. Very efficient at finding solutions, you were.
Anyway, Morpheus now wants to see how training is going, so he decides to beat Neo's ass. Neo's learned some cool things with his training, like this wall jump, even though it achieves nothing, because how could it? Morpheus just waits for him to land and then kicks the shit out of him. Eventually, Neo starts to understand that he can focus and go way faster than is realistically possible, because they're basically plain Tekken. And so Morpheus then tries to make him jump really far, and Neo fails this too.
And he also busts his mouth on the pavement, and upon returning to the real world, realizes if you die in the video game, you die for real. Just like Frankie Nunez.
Then, Morpheus walks through a crowd with Neo and explains more things, because I guess the audience is also going to get 10 straight hours of training. Neo sees a hot lady and is understandably distracted, except oops, look again, Neo! You failed the Nebuchadnezzar sexual harassment HR training module, because now she's Elrond, and she's got a gun, and kissing him slash her would be deadly.
Morpheus explains those FBI guys are actually called agents, and they can basically hop into any person still plugged into the Matrix at any time. If somebody turns into an agent, they become wicked fast and good at fighting, and every time somebody has tried to fight them directly, they've died. But Neo should be able to beat them someday, because agents still have to follow certain rules for some reason. Like, why not make them overwhelmingly strong and turn on god mode, because then agents won't be allowed to unlock achievements? Anyway, turns out in the real world, robot squids called Sentinels are chasing the ship around to threatening to blow it up. They don't outright say it, but the implication is that if you die in the real world, you also die for real.
Also, why is the CG in this 20 plus year old movie better than most modern movies? Anyway, anyway, Cypher is staying up late masturbating or something when Neo walks in on him. Whoa! Jesus. Cypher gives Neo a little drink and I guess tells him to go back to bed, because the next scene is Cypher and the Matrix making a deal with an agent named Smith to get plugged back in. Cypher is tired of eating bad food and fighting a war, so his deal is he'll give the machines Morpheus if he can get his mind wiped and come back as an actor.
Now, I understand not wanting to fight a war, but like they could jack in and eat steak pretty much whenever, right? They don't have to eat gruel every day necessarily, but whatever.
The machines want Morpheus because he has access codes to Zion's mainframe or whatever, but if Morpheus was captured, surely they'd just change the codes? Did they make a code 50 years ago and they know they won't be able to remember anything except machine sucks 6969? Whatever. So Mouse is a horny little shit who created the pretty lady from earlier, and he wants Neo to have sex with her, kind of like how most of the weirdos who played Cyberpunk 2077 wanted to watch Keanu Reeves have sex with their character. 20 years later and everybody still wants naked Keanu in their lives.
I've missed you.
Morpheus saves Neo from having to decide in front of everybody, whether he's going to take Mouse up on his masturbatory offer, and then he takes Neo to see the Oracle in case she has some wisdom for him. At the Oracle's apartment, Neo sees a bunch of kids floating boxes around in one little bald a**hole in the corner fucking up the cutlery. He tells Neo he's able to do this by remembering that this is all a computer game anyway, and therefore there is no spoon. And he can just up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, be a whenever he wants. Then Neo meets the Oracle who just so happens to be an older black lady and she's like, Not quite what you were expecting, right? At this point that's the least crazy thing that Neo's seen in the last couple of days, so I think he's fine.
The Oracle says that she thinks he's kind of cute, gives him a cookie, and tells him that being the one is like being in love. Nobody can tell you you're the one, you just, you just know. Balls to bones. Then she says you're not the one, which...
Seems like it kind of just negates what she literally just said, and she also mentions that Morpheus is going to sacrifice his life for Neo, but that Neo can sacrifice his life for Norpheus. Norpheus. C-cells by the C-Shorpheus. Morpheus drinking a 40 in a death basket. If he wants. Anyway, baaay.
The team heads back to apparently the only hardline phone in town, which is 30 miles away inexplicably, but as they're heading upstairs to reach said phone, Neo sees two black cats and says, Huh, deja vu. Which is sort of what he's experiencing, but not really. Deja vu is the feeling of experiencing something you've already dreamed before. What he's seeing is like a coincidence, i.e. What are the odds of two black cats walking by moments apart? Deja vu would be like, oh, shit. I remember this black cat from a dream or being like, I think I've experienced this before in my life. He's not recollecting the past, the past was three seconds earlier.
Whatever. Everybody else freaks out because copy cat moments like this usually signal a glitch in the matrix that occurs when the machines change something about the world. In this instance, it turns out they replaced all the windows with brick walls so the team can't escape.
Bad guys also cut the hardline. Things are getting so intense that Apoc hands Neo a gun, but shouldn't he have already had a gun? Why was he unarmed? He'd done a shit ton of training before this mission, right? Somebody that could have used way more gun training is Mouse because he whips out two massive machine guns to fight off the impending cops and even though a half dozen dunes are crammed into one doorframe, Mouse doesn't hit a single one.
Nobody is even nicked. Except Mouse, he's super nicked.
The rest of the team tries to splinter sell their way down a gap between the walls to hopefully get to the bottom floor without alerting anybody. But unfortunately, Cypher is a sneezy bitch and he reveals the team's location, causing an agent to grab Neo through the wall. This inspires Morpheus to slam through the wall and fight the agent one-on-one in an apparent RV's bathroom. He gets his ass kicked and is captured, but this buys enough time for the rest of the team to escape. Cypher actually returns to the ship first and uses a laser thing to kill Tank and Dozer.
And man, I just feel so bad for their brothers, Firetruck and Tractor, and maybe like, wheat processor. Wheat thresher. Yeah, wheat thresher. That's what I'm looking for.
Cypher then unplugs Apoc and Switch, who weirdly looks like Neo in this scene, and it kills them. Cypher then threatens to unplug Neo, thereby both, you know, killing him and proving he's not the one except, oops, he didn't check to see if Tank was actually dead and Tank electrocutes him into his sneezeless corpse. Tank then brings Neo and Trinity back and Neo says, yeah, we need to go rescue him.
Morpheus, Dorpheus, Orpheus, go eat some walruses. Speaking of, Morpheus is being tortured by Agent Smith, who basically pumps him full of hacking drugs that'll eventually force him to give up those passwords. While they wait, Smith decides the monologue. He explains that the first matrix they built was actually perfect, but people didn't buy it because humans presumably define themselves through suffering. So instead, they built another version set in 1999. You know, the peak of human suffering. Now that's more like it. Smith says that he hates it here because he hates the smell, and he's helpful that if they blow up Zion, he can go on vacation somewhere that doesn't smell. Elsewhere, Neo and Trinity massacre some security guards and initiate one of the greatest gunfights ever put to film.
They don't even bring extra ammo. They just throw entire guns away when they've emptied the magazines.
It's impractical, but it's undeniably badass. Once they've murdered a small village worth of technically innocent soldiers, unaware they're plugged into a simulation and only are aware that two psychos and fetish gear are shooting all their friends to death, Neo and Trinity call the elevator. The two climb on top of the elevator, and Neo whispers, There is no spoilers. Which Trinity must have thought sounded a little odd. And then they bomb this shit out of the lobby, which again looks cool but serves no clear purpose. Other than maybe it announces their presence to the agents?
On the roof, Neo and Trinity kill some dudes until an agent shows up and Neo tries to shoot him, but the agent dodges every bullet. Then the agent shoots Neo, who also manages to mostly dodge the bullets, but is nicked at a couple of spots. And the agent walks up to him and is about to plug him. But then Trinity walks up behind him, spreads her legs out about seven feet apart from each other and shoots him right in the dome. Now Trinity is wowed by how fast Neo was, but like she's the first person to ever beat an agent, right? They made a big deal about how nobody has ever fought an agent and won, but she just did. She shot him right in the head.
Trinity must be the one, right? Is that 20 years before shadowing? Maybe.
Anyway, Neo and the one grab a helicopter and chain gun the shit out of the room where they're holding Morpheus, killing all three agents again! More agents defeated! They defeated four agents in 10 minutes, despite the fact that that's never happened before in 200 years of war. Apparently once you pop the top, the fun don't stop when it comes to murder.
Morpheus makes a face like a man shit and then runs for the helicopter, but he gets shot in the ankle. So Neo jumps out and catches him in mid-air. They fly away, but the helicopter gets damaged so Trinity drops off Neo and Morpheus and then abandons ship and lets Neo catch her with a rope, and it is truly the coolest shit. They escape via subway payphone, but before Neo can leave, a homeless dude becomes Agent Smith and they duke it out like a couple of superheroes. Neo mostly gets his ass kicked, but he does get in some cool come hither motions and lands arguably the most hilarious strike in any movie ever. But ultimately, Agent Smith wins and throws Neo on the subway tracks. Then Smith hops down there to hold Neo down and deliver another monologue, because even dispassionate machines want to gloat over big kills. But Neo gathers just enough strength to throw him off so Smith gets hit by the train.
Five agent losses now. Truly wild. They're killing all the agents. Well, technically they're killing homeless people. So that's sad.
That's so cool he made a homeless guy get hit by a train. He must be the hero that we've been waiting for. Anyway. So in the real world, Sentinels are about to attack the Nebby, and they do have an onboard EMP thing that'll kill them all on ship, but it'll also kill Neo if he's still plugged into the Matrix. And Trinity explains this all to Morpheus for some reason, presumably for our benefit, but Morpheus is like, yeah, I know Trinity, Jesus, I'm the captain. You can't use that until he's out. I know Trinity.
So Neo is running around and steals this guy's cell phone, which is not very heroic, and then Agent Smith enters a grandmother. Eventually, Neo actually just gets straight up shot to death by Agent Smith, which is unfortunate.
But then Trinity explains to Neo's corpse that the Oracle told her that she'd fall in love with the one, and lo and behold, she's in love with Neo. So by the transit of property, he must be the one and therefore can't be dead. Of course, it could also mean that she'll fall in love with some other dude later that'll turn out to be the one.
I mean, she's what, like 30? She's got time to find someone else. Get on Tinder.
There's a lot of fish out there in the simulated scene. Hey, are you coming? Yeah, but whatever. That's a good enough speech for Neo to come back to life.
But now he has the ability to stop bullets in mid-air. He also sees everything in code. Even though I thought the whole thing was once you got good at reading code, you wouldn't really see the code, but whatever.
Then Agent Smith tries to fight Neo, but Neo just disrespects him. The ultimate humiliation, Neo eventually enters Agent Smith and just blows up inside of him. Didn't even buy him a steak dinner first. Neo then actually exits the Matrix, so they fire the EMP and all is right in the world. Then Neo calls the machines.
Do they have a 1-800 number or something? Who is he talking to? I don't know, but he says he's going to show people that the Matrix is fake or whatever.
Then he literally flies away or rage against the machine blast, which in the business is referred to as perfect. Oh, the logos are green again. Looks like it's Matrix rebooted, you know, because of computers. It's reloaded like a gun. Well, that's stupid. My title is better. Anyway, a bunch of green scribbles eventually transform into a clock where a few security guards are clocking out.
Holy shit! A motorcyclist from hell flies through the air and hooks her motorcycle into the guard station like a friggin' bomb. She herself lands like Black Widow, but with even more leather stretched across her tight ass, and she removes her helmet to reveal that she is no longer a stunt double, but the actress actually playing Trinity. And then she proceeds to beat the hell out of the remaining security guards.
But then there's a weird glitch transition, and now she's jumping out a 50-story window and shooting at an agent who has jumped after her. Undeniably cool, but also not sure what the plan here is. Like best case scenario, she shoots the agent and then he lands on top of her when she hits the ground. But that doesn't happen. She gets shot and then hits the ground and then presumably a fully alive agent just plows her.
Damn, it's okay. Because it's a dream and people do stupid stuff in dreams. Neo wakes up all sweaty, perspiration on a sweater already, and not gonna lie, a chosen one hero dreaming about the death of his sci-fi wife sure feels like Revenge of the Sith, so here's hoping that Neo slaughters a bunch of children because he's sad. But anyway, Trinity's good because she's right there, sleeping next to Neo in Sith. Trinity wakes up and Neo is like, straight up, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. And she's like, I have nothing to tell you that's useful, other than maybe the Oracle will know.
They're hanging out on the Neb, which is piloted by a new big black man operator named Link who is played by one of the lost, most annoying characters. But now, with dreadlocks.
What happened to Tank? Well, apparently he succumbed to a contract dispute off screen. And then he essentially never worked again, so I guess you could say he was killed by the machine.
Anyway, the Trinity of Trinity, Morpheus, and Neo hop back into the Matrix and head to an in-person virtual meeting with a bunch of other ship commanders, including a woman named Niobe, when presumably a radio call would have been fine. This needlessly virtual scene must have given a young Zuckerberg the thickest chubby. It's revealed the machines are tunneling to Zion to kill everybody and a character we don't know named Commander Locke has ordered everybody on their ships to return to Zion. And Morpheus is like, okay, yeah, we could go back because our ship needs to recharge, but we're still waiting for a message from the Oracle about what the hell Neo's supposed to do. So can somebody else please just like, stay inside the Matrix and wait for a phone call from her even though that's to find a direct order?
This guy says, yeah, what up? Are you coming? Yeah, just gotta find something to wear.
Neo, meanwhile, is bored of the meeting and his Spidey senses start tingling, so he wanders away at the front door. A guy who sounds exactly like Agent Smith gives the doorman a package for Neo that just so happens to be an Agent Earpiece. He also says that Neo set him free. Then apparently unrelated agents bust down the door and Neo just kicks their ass.
Neo mentions that they have upgrades, but like, why can't they be more upgraded? Make their punches faster than bullets. Make them stronger than a sledgehammer. Why are they only 25% better than a human? We have the technology.
Stupid. Anyway, Neo fights them for a while for fun, I guess, and then decides he's done enough because he flies away and I hope everybody else escaped because Neo sure doesn't check. And on the ground, again, seemingly unrelated to the other agents, a no longer Agent Smith flirts with the clone of himself. Ooh, two of the first movies villain? Well, that's what I call a sequel. Perfect. Anyway, Neo at some point returns to the Neb and the Neb returns to Zion, which is apparently guarded by shitty Gundams.
Neo has a new mouse kid who follows him around and is his biggest fan. In fact, everybody here is his biggest fan, sort of like the modern day internet. I'm here with Buzzfeed to play with some puppies.
This little anecdote here. A big subplot in the early part of the movie is how horny Neo and Trinity are. And when they enter the elevator and are alone for a second, they go at each other real hard. Well, when I was in sixth grade, my mom and sisters went out of town so dad and I could paint the house and have a manly weekend. And as such, my dad introduced me to the first matrix and then he said that we could go see Reloaded, which had just come out in theaters, but he'd seen the MPAA and knew that there was a sex scene or something. So the deal was I'd have to wear a baseball hat and whenever the sex scene came up, I had to pull the hat down over my eyes until it was over. And I agreed to those terms because auditory is more than enough for me. But it's not like either of us actually knew when the scene was coming. So when the elevator thing hit, we both audibly yelled and smacked at the hat to pull it over my eyes thinking, oh God, this is it? Hurry or this 12 year old might see a tent. Anyway, good times. I also bought the Enter the Matrix video game that weekend, which ripped. And I'm not gonna talk about it much though because we got enough going on today.
Morpheus for his part goes to meet with Commander Locke, who's both his commanding officer and commanding Morpheus X, now moving around the bend. Even worse, the commander doesn't believe in Morpheus's prophecies. He only believes in science. I don't know why you always have to be judging me because I only believe in science. Unfortunately for Locke, this old white dude counselor guy believes Morpheus.
Double tension. Link also heads home wondering, there's my pussy. He doesn't find it though because his wife is Dozer and Tank's sister and he promised to take Dozer's place or whatever on the Neb. Nothing really to that subplot. I just wanted to play the where's my pussy part because there's my pussy. Hey, I don't know if it felt important.
So now they decide to have a cave orgy, which is preceded by both a prayer from the counselor and a word of encouragement from Morpheus who says, yeah, the robots are coming to kill us all. But like counter argument prophecies and that's good enough for everybody.
And they start dancing in the sweatiest way possible creating a five minute sequence where you can maybe see a lady nipple if you squint hard enough and definitely lots of man nipples without squinting at all. You also don't have to look very hard to see Keanu's butt.
It's like the cyberpunk DLC of our dreams. Cyberpunk.
Anyway, the crew that's still in the matrix having zero raves and looking at zero probably girl nipples try to Jack out of the matrix with a message from the Oracle. But before the second guy can leave, he gets fingered by Agent Smith until he turns into Agent Smith. And then that Agent Smith answers the phone presumably hijacking the brain of that guy in the real world. The message does get to Neo but the hijacked guy also almost murders Neo in the back but then he doesn't. Another time maybe. Turns out Locke didn't authorize Neo and Morpheus to leave. The old guy did and this makes Locke upset.
Inside the matrix, Neo meets up with a guy named Sarif who fights him for a few minutes because this is a Matrix movie after all and then says, okay, yeah, you can meet the Oracle now. Please enter my endless hallway of back doors which is both a hacker thing and a sex thing they're telling him. These doors apparently allow them to go anywhere. Off the grid. Neo then uses one to hang out with the Oracle in a shitty park for a while and she jumps a truly epic amount of exposition on him. So try and track with this. So the Oracle and Sarif are not humans but in fact computer programs created within the matrix.
So should Neo trust them? Unclear. She says she's only interested in bringing the future to fruition and Neo has already made the choices that will bring it about. He just doesn't know why he'll make those choices. Okay, whatever.
What's more interesting is the Oracle tells Neo that the matrix is full of all kinds of programs. Bird programs, tree programs, wind programs, whatever. And usually they work great but sometimes they either become outdated or get shot to death by Neo. In those instances, programs are supposed to return to the source, aka the matrix mainframe and be deleted but every once in a while, program says, nah, dog, I'm staying and they hack their way back into the matrix though they're then exiled and no longer under its control.
But this inevitably screws up the program some and when they return, they almost always come back as something weird like ghosts, vampires, werewolves, aliens, you know, freaky shit. Spooky scary. This is not metaphorical by the way. They literally come back as those things.
More on that later. Anyway, the Oracle said all that for no apparent reason other than to be like, and yeah, so you Neo need to go to that source too. But to do that, you gotta go find the key maker. But to do that, you gotta find another rogue program called the Merovingian who's keeping the key maker captain. Got all that? This is just the tip, baby.
The Oracle leaves and Neo is immediately fingered by Smith but he's able to force his fingers out before he turns into another Smith. Smith claims some part of Neo got overwritten onto his code when Neo hopped inside him and Smith hacked his ass back in when he was supposed to be deleted. So now he's all sorts of screwed up except the only apparent side effect is that he can finger people into himself. Smith even successfully fingers an agent at one point. Ow. And so he and Neo and a thousand other He's fight for a while.
They fight for a long while with several full-on CG sequences that look way worse in the first movie and why does that always happen? I swear, the higher the budget of a movie, the worse the CG somehow.
Anyway, then Neo finally remembers, oh yeah, I could freaking fly. So he does.
By the way, at no point do any of these 7,000 Smiths ever think to pull a gun. The fight takes so long, the old guy from Zion sends two ships to look for them, including one with Morpheus's axe. This also pisses Lock Off because what doesn't?
Anyway, the gang throws on their most resplendent fetish gear and heads to a fancy French restaurant owned by the Merovingian who speaks with the French accent because he likes cussing in French. He's married to the bustiest program we've seen so far. The machines must have been very lonely the day they programmed him. They talk for a while about choice and causality and the ends and the means. And as an example of something, the Merovingian sends this woman a piece of cake that either makes her piss sh** and or cum.
And after that, he says, no, you can't have the key maker.
I think this scene is an example of why people are confused by the plot of this movie, but it's actually pretty simple. None of it matters. None of this conversation has anything to do with anything. They're just discussing themes. There's no exposition presented here.
So just, you know, stare at the busty ladies. But okay, yeah, so they leave empty handed, but before they get too far, busty Belushi shows up and says, no, I'll help you. But first, she takes them to a bathroom and demands that Neo kiss her as hard as he kisses Trinity, which he does much to Trinity's horny chagrin. And then she takes them to a room and shoots a werewolf in the head with a silver bullet and tells the other to go tell her husband. And so far, none of this is super helpful.
But then finally, she takes them through a secret passage to a literal dungeon with a key maker, who is in fact making a sh** ton of keys in his cell. How good of a key maker can he be if he has a key making machine but can't figure out how to unlock his cell?
Anyway, they bust out his useless ass and are immediately confronted by the Merovingian and his goons. And it's revealed that the Merovingian gets blows on the rig.
She wasn't kissing your face, my love. Respect, bro.
Then Morpheus, Trinity, and the key maker run off and are pursued by literal white ghost twins with dreadlocks and British accents and the ability, you know, to become ethereal. Those two groups initiate a car chase which leads to the freeway, which all the characters mentioned is very dangerous. And we immediately see why because agents start taking over random people and jumping from car to car and then crashing other cars into the hero's faces. They drive around haphazardly for a while and then pull over so Morpheus can become a cyberpunk samurai from hell and blow up the ghost while Trinity grabs the key maker and a motorcycle. Then at some point, Morpheus gets on top of a semi-truck, which can't possibly be the right move. Why not grab another car that he can actually, you know, steer? And then he swings the key maker up there too, which, I mean, this is a bad plan, man. An agent eventually hops up there too and basically whoops Morpheus's ass.
And does Morpheus ever actually win a hand-to-hand fight? He mostly seems content to sacrifice himself fighting agents and neos way stronger than himself. It could have been a contender. Also, why is he even able to land a punch at all? Agents can dodge bullets, but not. Lawrence Fishburne's fists? Whatever.
Morpheus falls off the truck but is caught by Niobe's windshield because she is shown up in the Matrix and then he jumps from that car back onto the truck and knocks the agent off and the agent then turns into the truck driver and crashes the truck into another truck, which is the first thing he should have done because, again, Morpheus is not in control of the vehicle he's riding. Back at the shop, uh oh. Neo fights the aforementioned goons and blocks their bullets and stabs them and shit. It's all very exciting. But then he opens the door and it turns out that he's 500 miles away from the action. So he flies to the action and saves Morpheus and the Keymaker right before they are engulfed in flames from the truck-on-truck crash. Now that they've got the Keymaker, the three ships still in the Matrix come together and decide on this really convoluted plan to get Neo back to the source.
Basically, they have to break into a building rigged with explosives that will detonate if an alarm is tripped. But to prevent that, one team will need to knock out a power station and then a second team will need to knock out a backup power station while Neo, Morpheus, and the Keymaker open up a door of light or whatever and they'll have exactly three or 14 seconds to make it through that door before the power comes back on and the building explodes. Because that is how hacking works.
Neo asks Trinity to stay behind because of his dream of her jumping out of a window for no reason. He just can't trust her not to just leap headfirst into a mirror or some shit.
Now, Yobi's team succeeds in blowing up the power station but the other ship is super rusty and shity so half of the crew is killed just because of like bad welding. And then everybody on board is killed by Sentinel throwing a bomb at their ship. Somebody mentions, by the way, that Sentinels can now hook bombs which keeps them out of EMP range and apparently blows up ships with a single shot.
And man, you know when that would have been useful to the machines? In the last movie, at the end, instead of attacking directly for 20 minutes, they could have just thrown one bomb and killed Neo immediately. I guess they forgot to bring them.
So anyway, because these Sentinels remembered to bring bombs, Trinity is forced to go in and finish the other ship's part of the mission which is what we saw in the movie's cold open with the motorcycle and the tight leather butt and all that. She succeeds but then she's forced to fight a couple agents for the rest of the movie. Neo and friends enter another backdoor hallway but are accosted by a million smiths. No biggie, they make it through and Neo enters the light door and Morpheus goes back to the ship through another door somehow and then the key maker just bleeds out because his part of the movie is over.
Inside the door, Neo finds a room with a bunch of TVs and one old white dude sitting awkwardly in a gamer chair. He also finds another big exposition dump. You ready? Okay, so Colonel Sanders here is known as the architect. He's the dude that built the Matrix.
Unfortunately, he sucks at his job because the first one he built was too perfect, as I mentioned earlier, and nobody believed it. And the second one was too brutal and nobody believed that either.
Then at some point, the Oracle said, you know, what you need to do is create more instances of choice into the design. So, you know, that's the secret sauce. They did that and it worked for 99% of people in the program and, you know, that's as good as it's gonna get.
Unfortunately, there is one weird inevitable bug, the one. For whatever reason, no matter what they do, the Matrix eventually spits out some badass dude clad in leather who can basically destroy everything. Furthermore, for whatever reason, the Matrix eventually crashes within a hundred years as it gets further eroded by all them choices. So, to kill two leather clad birds with one stone, the architect and Oracle created the prophecy of the one so that the survivors in Zion would seek him out and eventually push him and get him back to the source. Once there, the one would be asked to make a choice. He can either return to the Matrix, which will cause the whole thing to crash and kill every human plugged in, or he can go reboot the source and start over a new iteration of the Matrix. And additionally, Zion's gonna be destroyed, but the one can pick seven males and 16 females from the Matrix to repopulate the city of Zion anew and, you know, keep the cycle spinning. Because here's the thing, Neo is actually the sixth, the one, and this is the sixth iteration of this version of the Matrix. In every previous iteration, the one went ahead and chose to reboot the system and pick the 23 hottest humans to go, you know, fuck Zion back to life with in a scene that would definitely require at least one baseball cap, maybe two. But unlike his predecessors, Neo is really, really horny for one person specifically.
Like, literally, he chooses not to reboot the Matrix because he wants to save Trinity because he loves her so much. So he chooses the death of his entire species, including, presumably, Trinity for the chance at just one more little taste of that cave pod. So Neo flies out the other door that does not lead to the source and catches Trinity before she hits the ground. Of course, he flies so fast, he kills potentially hundreds of venison people in his hurricane wake, but to be fair, they're already dead per his choices anyway, so no harm, no foul. Trinity has been shot, so Neo fingers the bullet out of her, but she still dies, so he straight up fingers her heart and that brings her back for good.
Meanwhile, in the real world, a sentinel throws a bomb at the neby and the four surviving humans run away from the ship, but the sentinels catch up and are magically electrocuted by Neo. His one powers have, I guess, transferred to the real world. And all that effort makes him very sleepy, so he passes out and ends up on an operating table across from the dude that Smith mindjacked. It's also revealed that Locke attempted a counterattack against the sentinels that were digging, but it failed because somebody or something preemptively triggered an EMP that knocked out all the good ships.
Man, I wonder who did that? We're all trying to find the guy who, then we get more rage, baby!
Am I trapped in some sort of way station? Halfway between the real world and a simulated one at the matrix? Guess I better jack back in.
My little juice. So there's still code and colors and crap in the intro, but now some of it's yellow. So now it's lemon-lime flavored for her pleasure.
The crew from the ship that picked everybody up at the end of the last movie is currently looking for Niobe and more specifically, her possibly still functional ship. Trinity is still hanging out with her still unconscious boyfriend and also the unconscious brain-jacked guy named Bane and Morpheus does a brief search in the matrix for Neo even though he's not jacked in, but lo and behold, well he's not there. The doctor lady also mentions that Bane's brainwaves look like he's still jacked into the matrix, which is weird. And then Morpheus gets a call from Serif saying that he needs to go meet the Oracle ASAP, so he goes back in. Neo for his part is somewhere, but it's not the matrix. As a little girl kind of explains, he's in the train station, which basically serves as the halfway point between the real world and the matrix. She is being smuggled into the matrix by her dad and mom, all three of which are machines, because she was going to be deleted because she was useless in the real world.
No need for we, Indian girls in the machine city I guess. It turns out the train station is run by, get this, the train man. Apparently the Wachowskis have never heard of conductors. This train man works for the Merovingian, so he's going to be predisposed to not like Neo and probably won't let him on board. As it turns out, what the Oracle wanted to tell Morpheus was yeah, go talk to the Merovingian about free Neo from the train.
Also, she takes a moment to mention that her appearance has changed for some reason, although the real reason is the actress playing her in the last couple of movies died during filming.
Probably should have eaten less candy, huh? I love candy.
Okay, so this is the only useful edition plot elaboration from the Enter the Matrix video game I played when I was 12, which otherwise basically just shows the action behind the mention events in these movies, as opposed to deepening the lore or whatever. Evidently, the Indian man from the train station gave the Merovingian the terminate code for the Oracle's outer shell in the hopes of killing her and then gaining her powers of clairvoyance in exchange for the Indian man's Indian daughter safe passage into the Matrix. The Oracle allowed this trade to happen because she thought that girl named Sati was important. Unfortunately, that means that her outer shell was killed or whatever, so her appearance changed, though the Merovingian did not gain her powers because they had to be given. That is definitely one way to explain an actor change, but I still think they should have gone a step further and made her something way different, like a small Chinese boy or a hulking Russian dude or something.
I am a PR. None of that really matters beyond crazily papering over a plot hole, and Serif, Trinity, and Morpheus head somewhere to talk to the train man who runs away? Is he worried they'll steal one of his million watches? Tick tock, Mr. Wing. I don't know, but he gets away, so they go directly to the Merovingian who is hanging out in his club that's apparently exclusively for gamps and titty twisters. But first, they gotta kill these guys who can run on the ceiling, which means, what, they're vampires? Or aliens? Those are the only two things that the Oracle mentioned that we haven't seen yet, but there's no sunlight down here so we don't see if they sparkle, so we can't know for sure.
Eventually they win, and then they go speak to the Merovingian and his wife's heaving breasts, and he mentions wanting the eyes of the Oracle, which is, again, the clairvoyance thing, and they're like, no thanks, and Trinity pulls a gun on him and makes a new deal to do no deal at all and just give them Neo. And the Merovingian hesitates, so Trinity cocks her gun to show that she's serious. But does that mean that she couldn't have fired the gun prior to that moment and she was just bluffing? Why wait until that moment to cock it? Whatever. The Merovingian agrees and they pick up Neo and he wants to go see the Oracle who tells Neo, yeah, you got stuck in a train station because you touched the source at the end of Reloaded when he killed those sentinels which separated his mind from his body. You know, why not?
Presumably this means that his full powers haven't transferred to the real world exactly. Like he can just sort of control machines, but like he probably couldn't actually fly or finger people back to life in real life. He could just electrocute machines.
It makes sense. The Oracle reveals that Smith is the opposite of Neo wants to destroy things which like I gathered. Yup. She also claims that she wants the war to end and basically answers every Neo question with you already know the answer. I don't think Neo ever asks a question in this entire series that somebody just answers for him. It's always, you tell me, Mr. Big Shot, the one. You know the answer. You've known all along. And he's, he's like, yeah, I guess you're right. And that's good writing. In the real world, Smith Bane wakes up and also so does Neo.
I guess they jacked an in? Out? Off? When did he get plugged in? Oh, hey, Mark. Hey, what's going on?
Bane conveniently doesn't remember anything about what knocked him out, but he does a shockingly good Hugo weaving impersonation which is kind of fun. You're right about that, sir. And then the crew does actually find Naomi's ship and Naomi's body and both are still functions. They recharge your ship and then Neo is like, actually, I need that ship to drive to the machine city to talk to the machines. And they think he's crazy but Naomi gives him the ship anyway. So he and Trinity fly off, but Bane kills the Doctor Lady and then sneaks aboard like a little stowaway. But not for long because he attacks Trinity and Neo and ultimately zaps Neo right in his big pretty eyeballs and Neo can still sort of magically see anything machine related because of the half powers. So he still manages to kill fleshly Smith. Then they continue on, but Neo will no longer be allowed to steer.
In Zion, Commander Locke angrily prepares the defenses with huge mechs that nobody thought to put windshields on. And then, you know, elsewhere in the tunnels, Naomi and the rest decide to return his ion with their last ship so they can use their big old EMP to knock out the robots. Why the hell don't they have an EMP in Zion? As a last ditch failsafe, God only knows. Anyway, the crew runs away from Sentinels trying to make it back to Zion in time and they're aided with gun turrets that nobody had thought to use at any point in the past two movies. It's very thoughtful of both the machines and humans to agree not to use their better weapons until the sequels. But before they get there, the robots drill through, you know, Zion's roof and attack. Sentinels swarm through and everything goes shit to a sub-battle plot.
Link's wife and another lady shoot a bunch of rocket launchers. Eventually, most of the mechs are wrecked but the ship with the EMP is close and somebody needs to open the gate so they can come in and fire their EMP. This guy would have done it but his mech doesn't have a windshield so he dies. Ow. This lets that mousey kid take over and shoot the gate open with an assist from Link's wife. The ship comes in and shoots the EMP, kills a bunch of machines and also technically all the human defenses too. Wah!
They fall back to the temple gate or whatever is the Sentinels attack again. Meanwhile, Neo and Trinity arrive at the machine city and get a bajillion bomb shot at them but Neo mostly blows them up with his brain so it's fine. But then they send a bunch of Sentinels which he can't do as much against so they just fly straight into the clouds and see the sky for a moment and then they come crashing back down and Trinity gets impaled to death.
Neo says some things and then hops out to talk to some baby-faced machine god king. He then makes a deal to defeat Smith before Smith eats the entire matrix and everything everywhere in exchange for peace. The baby head agrees and jacks him back into the matrix. The Sentinels at Zion also take a smoke break until Neo does his thing. His thing, as it turns out, is to punch the **** out of Smith for a while. Smith has eaten basically everything in the matrix so he and all of his clones just watch Smith and Neo get all sweaty and punch each other so hard that they create dry moments amidst the rain. Eventually, Smith wins and fingers Neo into himself but that was a mistake because then Neo slash Smith explodes in light and then every Smith explodes because the right to choose or consent the right to repair Neo appears dead in the machine city and the Oracle appears dead at the bottom of a hole and the Sentinels leave Zion. The machines drag Neo's body somewhere to be prepared for a reboot in 20 years and the matrix itself you know, heals. Then the Oracle, who I guess is not dead in the architect, chat a bit and they clarify yes, there is a peace but no, it's not likely to last forever and yes, Neo will probably come back at some point and yes, the humans that want to be freed from the matrix can go free even though doing so and even just explaining to them that they've been plugged in the fucking metaverse for a thousand years will presumably break all their goddamn brains unless they're under a certain age.
There's going to be so much puking, you guys. I thought I was supposed to be the robot.
Pretty cool, right? Yep. The Anna Jordans? Super clever. Yeah, yeah. Doesn't add much to the story though. Oh yeah, no, not at all. Get a grip.
You get it? So the first one is called the final flight of the Osiris and it is quite literally just the story of the ship that first noticed the machines were tunneling and how they got out that first message to Niobe. The opening scene though is two sexy people sword fighting each other's clothes off while blindfolded in a sparring program. Then the ship in the real world gets attacked by Sentinels and it accidentally gets chased to the surface where they notice, hey, there's some machines digging. Probably desire. The sexy lady then jacks into the matrix to leave a message about this via extremely convoluted parkour while the ship tries to stay one step ahead of the Sentinels. She succeeds and then the ship explodes and they all die.
Great. Then we've got the second Renaissance which is divided into two parts for absolutely no reason and both of which are the only stories to give any true interesting additions to the established matrix lore which is delivered by this sexy nearly nude angel lady for some reason. I mean, I guess I know the reason. She's a sexy nude angel lady. It's perfectly tailored for the exact type of person watching this. So it starts with things that we knew.
Man built machines, turn them into shit slaves that build things and, you know, all along they're getting smarter and smarter. Eventually this culminates in a murder trial with a hilariously named robot called B166ER. Yeah, the robot is named bigger.
Just like my penis. Am I right, Dave?
Anyway, Dickbot3000 killed somebody and half the world thinks he should just be shut down on the spot while others think he should get an actual trial like any other sentient being would. They decide to just shut him down without a trial which leads to a ton of violent protests that result in tons of machines being killed and hucked into the ocean. In response to all this violence and anger, the machines build their own city called 01 somewhere in the Middle East. As one might expect, their economy immediately becomes way better than every other country's and that makes them all so jealous. And the machines try to broker some sort of deal but humans say no and blockade them instead. Then, naturally, they just nuke the shit out of the machine city. Those really get rid of them and the machines retaliate and kill everything in their path. So the humans put a bunch of nanites in the sky to block out the sun. This doesn't appear to do much and the robots still kill everybody and turn them into human batteries.
So basically, that's all humanity's fault. Classic humanity!
Then, we get a story about the mousy kid from Reloaded and Revolutions called Kid Story. His name was Kid. There's nothing that's interesting about it other than Kid, the kid.
He starts out like Neo asking questions of his computer and then he's forced to run from agents. Well, technically, skateboards from agents because he's in high school and then eventually, he jumps off a roof but instead of dying, he somehow self-substantiates and escapes the Matrix all by his damn self. Lucky guy. The next story is called Program and it's basically just an excuse to animate a bunch of samurai shit. Some woman fights some stuff and then some dude is like, hey, I'm going to jack back into the Matrix and leave this all behind and you should come with me and she says no. So they fight a bit and then she kills that dude and she's sad about it but then she comes out of the program and they're like, just kidding. That was a test and she's like so annoyed. She just shows a little bit of her butt like at the top of her underwear, it's like anger butt crack. Then we get World Record where a narrator tells us that most people that escape the Matrix have this rare degree of intuition or sensitivity and a questioning nature but not everybody because cut to a black athlete which that feels weird. He'd previously set the World Record for the 100 meter dash at 8.99 seconds but it was revoked for drug use which is a little weird again but the guy decides to beat his record again fair and square even though his trainer is worried that doing so will severely injure him and end his career. He does it anyway and his knee explodes but he fights through the pain and runs so hard he actually wakes up in the real world for a second before a robot zaps him back in. He breaks the record but falls and is injured because again his knee exploded and it ends with him in a wheelchair whispering then we get frigging beyond a story where basically there's a haunted house in the middle of town full of physics defying Matrix glitches and a girl plays there with the Matrix's version of Ed Ed and Eddy for a while until agents show up and fix the glitches that's it that's beyond and then there's a detective story which is basically a noir film about a dude hired to find Trinity eventually he does when she sucks a bug out of his eye and then he realizes that he was hired by bad people to find her and he and Trinity try to escape some agents but he starts to transform into an agent so Trinity shoots him halfway through the process she says sorry and he says I don't blame you but like she could have just kept running right no need to put him down anyway as he dies he tricks the agents following Trinity and pulls a gun on them like he has any chance of frigging shooting them they're agents you idiot they're very fast and then finally we get a story called matriculated that is mostly a bunch of visual nonsense the basic plot is a woman on the surface and her pet monkey trick a couple machines and a coming back to a lab with her once there the robots are attacked by another robot then they take one of the original beat up robots and plug him into a simulation in the hopes of converting him into an ally of humanity they don't want to just reprogram the machine they want to truly convert him how do they do that? By throwing him into a kaleidoscopic world of geometric shapes and naked women it takes forever but eventually he's converted I guess because I mean show me a few naked ladies on a couple of really shiny shapes and I will fight whoever you want am I right Dave?
But this is right as enemy robots attack which the converted robot helps defeat but he's mostly too late and everybody else is basically already dead except his favorite naked woman so he plugs her back in to presumably have sex with her for all eternity but then she dies I guess and that's the animatrix baby you're welcome the internet I hope you learned something here today I didn't why do you look different? computers total effing no okay so this time the logos start not green but then become in fact green so matrix it's back and it's more confusing than ever so buck it up interestingly the whole opening scene plays out like a student fan film of the original movie two people on a phone call discuss watching somebody and how the phone line is being traced from there we see a leather lady trinity-esque person attacked by cops and agents that are different because notably one of them is now black yeah it's not the same but it's basically the same but not the same basically before we get too far into it we see that inside one of the walls is a woman with blue hair named bugs cousin bunny what's up she's watching the scene alongside a halo marine mixed with an xbox gamer looking operator dude named sequoia apparently operators can now manifest inside the matrix and yell people directly tech is improved sequoia mentions what bugs is doing is against the general's orders but bug says actually it's important that they watch because it seems familiar and they know what happens next yeah is the general aware of that sequoia she doesn't have all the facts which by the way wouldn't care about her feelings at all yeah you effing with some wet ass p word anyway bug says not trinity is going to kick their ass but it's really more like us because she's british then there's a fight scene that's similar to the opening of the first movie but notably much lamer no crane kicking or anything just little nudge with her foot to a forearm again kind of looks like what a student film with no budget would attempt cool for 19 year olds less so for 190 million dollar budget blockbuster the scene then transitions into a knockoff version of the opening chase scene but it plays out differently and the agents actually capture trinity but then bugs sort of goes down there and gets involved and then they chase her but she manages to escape with the black agent into another hallway of back doors ultimately falling into neo's old apartment that somehow looks nothing like neo's old apartment in there bugs and agent lando talk a bit and it's revealed they're in a modal which is a program used to evolve other programs or whatever so this is like a simulation of the first movie which explains why it's the same but everybody looks a little different speaking of it's revealed that this black agent guy is morpheus but like not really just like how that not trinity dominatrix from earlier was not trinity and they chat for a bit and bugs mentions that even though neo is presumably dead she thinks she saw neo almost jump off a roof a while ago and that's what convinced her that the matrix wasn't real even though the dude in question also looks nothing like neo and in an effort to further the small talk agent morpheus also claims he saw some code in the mirror one day and decided the matrix isn't real even though he's a literal program designed to protect the matrix but he wasn't aware of the matrix what system did he think he was protecting just like the man anyway this horrifying mirror moment gave him enough angst to want to escape from the matrix so bugs makes agent morpheus choose between a red pill and a blue pill and obviously he takes the red pill and then he and bugs run around for a bit from the other agents and it turns out the pill makes morpheus very silly in general this version of morpheus is just a silly little goofball I've never worn different glasses before eventually they extract him which is crazy because again he's not a human he's a program oh and during this chase scene we learned okay so now any humans in the matrix can use any door to travel literally anywhere by utilizing one of those classic close and reopen and oh look now you're in dying an alley or whatever moves that the key maker was so fond of and reloaded and also there's no more hardline phones all you have to do is find a mirror presumably any mirror but they sure seem to have to run around a hell of a lot looking for mirrors when in my experience mirrors are fucked damned everywhere they should be able to escape from like 50% of all rooms and 99% of all buildings in existence at any point cut from there to thomas anderson legendary video game designer that's right neo is back in the matrix but his hair is now and he's going by thomas anderson again and in this world the original matrix trilogy is actually a series of fictional video games meta enough for you just wait he's working on a new game called binary but he's not super pumped about it and he created that modal thing from the beginning because i guess he just likes those original matrix games he made a lot and so he wanted to simulate the first one and he also sort of thinks about killing himself a lot and or hooking up with trinity who is now a leatherless married milf who frequents his coffee shop and goes by tiffany even though they don't seem to know each other and anderson's boss named smith tells him that they're does that did that make any sense i don't think it does what i just said all that okay great the milk part really stuck with that yeah yeah amen total heaven nof what's up but anyway anderson's boss named smith tells him that their parent company warner brothers like literally that's what he says wants him to make a fourth matrix game enter the metaverse am i right then we get a super cut of a bunch of nerds trying to parse like what is the matrix? dude and they mostly land on bullet time and f with your head and all this makes anderson sad again so he visits with his therapist to talk about these episodes he has where he remembers scenes from the video games that are actually movies as if they actually happened so he's prescribed some blue pills and told that he's not crazy because they don't use that word but yeah he's off as fucking nut this is demonstrated by smith's mouth it's getting sown up like in the first movie and also neo's seen some other old dude's face in the mirror occasionally this is a good time to point out that 10% of the footage in this movie is old clips from the original kind of better movies i guess in case we forgot there were other movies very helpful speaking of anderson then eats some noodles because that's a sci-fi trope and they really messed up not having a scene where he did that in the original movies then sad anderson gets up the courage to talk to tiffany they have a little coffee date even though her husband chad is nearby anyway tiffany reveals that she likes to ride motorcycles and also she wants to know is that girl in the game based on her because she thinks it is it's a weird thing to think right why the hell would those video games be based on her total effort no that's like me wondering if master chief is based on me because i also am secretly in love with the computer program it's just a coincidence lady well it would be if it wasn't this movie of course it is based on her naturally even though how could it be he doesn't know her no no no but whatever she gets a phone call and the date is over anderson goes back to work and gay morpheus accosts him in the toilet and is again very silly i wasn't too sure about the callback but you know it's just hard to resist what he wants to break neo out of the matrix because well they think neo is cool like everybody in this movie just thinks neo is a cool dude that's it that's the only reason they need him for his coolness they didn't even know he was alive so it's not like they have anything writing on this they just he's so cool what but then the swat team busts in and starts shooting things and then smith remembers oh right i'm evil so he grabs a gun and sort of shivers orgasmic and then attacks anderson this sequence is again almost cool like the movie equilibrium i'm coming it sort of just makes you wish you were watching the lobby shoot out of the first film for the hundredth time instead of this largely competent but still underwhelming facsimile smith shoots neo in the head but i guess it doesn't kill him because cut from there to again anderson with his therapist the therapist is not super helpful so anderson decides to jump off the roof again but wait bugs is there and she shows him her cool white rabbit tattoo and so he and her go through a door to like tokyo because i guess there are no mirrors in this part of the world all the mirrors are in tokyo oh that's a movie title eventually they wander into another kind of underwhelming facsimile scene this one mirrors the original red slash blue pill moment from the first movie and while they're there gay phomorpheus tells anderson hey nothing conquers anxiety like nostalgia so i recreated the scene to try and put you at ease and i wouldn't say that this movie has subtext so much as s**t into your face text oh and it's revealed apparently the machines have been hiding neo's body for 60 years by changing his appearance and his source code and brainwashing him or you know whatever who gives a s**t agents and cops attack before they can expose it any further of course so they go through another thing onto a train somewhere and again there's a fight scene so constrained and chaotically edited it would fit better in the born series rather than the freaking matrix it even has god-awful s**ty low frame rate slow motion stuff that wasn't even that impressive when resident evil tried it somehow they somehow miraculously find a tiny little mirror and anderson slash neo wakes up in a machine pod thing again and he appears to be across from trinity but before he can slime his way over to her he's grabbed by a robot and taken to a hovercraft morpheus is on board sort of because they've invented some kind of nanotechnology called paramagnetic oscillation or some bull s**t that allows him to sort of manifest physically in the real world furthermore the robot that picked up neo is a fully sentient machine called a sentient of course who has allied with humans because some machines are now on humanity's side because we're the only ones who appreciate van Gogh probably neo is sort of dying because he doesn't fully believe what's going on so Morpheus and Neo hop into another smarting program oh my god like the first movie to get neo's module and i'm taking it with me to the moon and Morpheus also reveals that he's not just an approximation of Morpheus he's also an approximation of Smith and apparently Anderson believes that those are the two main people responsible for turning him into the one you know way back when so he squished them together in that modal thing from the beginning because though he was kind of running a test for his game he was also simultaneously trying to recreate the situation that caused him to be freed and become the one in the first place so that explains why this iteration of Morpheus was originally an agent and why he's just so darn silly both he and Smith are infamous for their wackiness put them together and look out whoopee cushions under every you know jack-in-chair no joke so yeah Morpheus puts on some gay ninja robes and punches neo for a while and eventually goads neo into punching him so hard everything explodes because it's a lot easier to obliterate shit with CG than choreograph an interesting fight scene that's in the art of war and maybe the art of the deal so now he's mostly neo again I guess and back on board we sort of meet the rest of the crew but essentially none of them matter so I explain who they are it's also revealed that this iteration of the Matrix is brand new and they were wise enough to patch the oracle and the architect out of it okay so now they enter a new human city called Io there's a simulated sky thing and they grow plants and shit by reverse engineering Matrix code into real things like they are programming strawberries that are also somehow juicy fruit that you can eat with your real mouth and it's run by an old ass Niobe because remember it's been 60 years and she explains okay so yes Morpheus became the king of Zion and there was peace with the machines and a ton of people were freed from the Matrix which caused an energy crisis and a civil war between the machines Morpheus incorrectly and somehow incongruently believed that a. all machines were evil and should never be befriended and b. the peace would last forever so they won't attack us but they're evil and they would attack us if we befriended them except they wouldn't but anyway that confusion caused him to ignore warnings from the oracle that the machines are going to attack again and as such he was killed and Zion was eventually overrun and the peace ended and Neo was like okay whatever I don't care I want to save Trinity because I'm in love with her and I want to go home wreck her family and Niobe's like no we don't really do that anymore Io is well hidden and we're committed to creating a sustainable ecosystem and freeing people just means we'll need more resources so we don't really do that and then Niobe throws Neo in jail so that he won't go after Trinity but then he's freed 11 seconds later by Bugs and the crew great so now they're in the Matrix again and they're immediately confronted by Smith who didn't know he was Smith before but does now and also the Merovingian who's now a trash person he's also got his old werewolves and whatever goons but that's more of an Easter egg than a plot point apparently the new Matrix doesn't have very many exile programs anymore just these stupid trash people Smith was somehow kept alive but rebooted and brainwashed just like Neo because their bond is important maybe and also maybe so that the new architect guy Matrix creator called the analyst if you keep an eye on Smith in case he found his way back into the new Matrix or something I don't know computers hacking fate choice inevitable Smith doesn't want Neo in the Matrix because he doesn't want him to save Trinity because he doesn't want the Matrix to crash or get rebooted because that would cause him to be re-assimilated and he still wants a chance to kill the analyst and take the Matrix over again Neo says no thanks I'd like to get Trinity please so they fight and again the fight scene between them kind of blows because it's mostly just you know like chest punches and pushing around just a couple of tough boys posturing aided by the fact that Neo's punches are now increasingly aided with a CG enabled force power buff Neo wins for the time being naturally and goes to see Trinity at our bike shop when oh no the analyst shows up it's his therapist by the way don't know if I mentioned that it's a little easy to get lost in here anyway the analyst believes that bullet time i.e. the ability to go hella fast is the main source of Neo's power just like the nerds thought you know was the main cool thing about the Matrix earlier when we were talking about that so the analyst has created a scenario where time goes impossibly slow except for the analyst and it looks kind of cool I guess I mean less cool is how it's exclusively used for even more exposition so here we go all right like I already mentioned the dude has named the analyst and he was built as a program to study the human psyche to that end he resurrected Neo and Trinity initially to study them but he found out that together they produced like so much energy if they became too close their glowing groins would destroy the Matrix but if they were close but not too close they became the best batteries ever even better he discovered that all humans produce more energy if their lives are constantly trapped in a state of heightened fear and desire basically he gets all Shapiro for a second and says here's the thing about feelings they're so much easier to control than facts and being isolated and lied to heighten those emotions and creates the cycle of constant fear and desire which both cause people to buy into the lie of the Matrix and produce more literal energy this movie is a gritty monster's ink reboot where fear is actually the best energy source so get out of here with your stand-up routines and again the text here is nothing like U-571 you know like not sub speaking of like and subscribe if you're still here so that's what this new Matrix is built around heightened emotion that clouds judgment in the center of it is scared and horny Neo and Trinity then the analyst says Neo should plug himself back in or he'll kill Trinity then he lets Neo go but in the real world a second hovercraft has arrived and brings them back before Naomi she's mad that they disobeyed a bunch of direct orders but then she's like whatever it's not like I'm gonna stop the third act from happening so sure break out Trinity to that end she lets Neo talk to a sexy program called Sati good morning no you perv she's no longer a child she's a grown-up an objectively very pretty total effing no anyway she reveals that even though Trinity and Neo did actually die at the end of revolutions the analyst wanted to bring them back right to study them because they were anomalies because he thought they were two p's of the one pod he also theorized that putting them back in you know would would make a lot of energy like I said so he wanted to rebuild them because maybe that would solve their energy crisis so he had Sati's parents build resurrection pods that somehow rebuilt Neo and Trinity even though they're dead or they were dead and got them plugged back in I don't understand The what? But Sati's dad didn't know they were gonna get plugged back in in The Matrix so he gave those designs to Sati like Mads Mikkelsen in Rogue One and Ford that betrayal they were purged and meanwhile Sati was saved by a sexy stealth dolphin robot Sati has known that Trinity and Neo were alive for a while but didn't tell Naomi because she wanted Naomi to focus on rebuilding Isle and all along Sati's been watching the two of them by working in a coffee shop called Simulate Sati has a plan to break Trinity out and you may be surprised to learn that it's complicated is sh** the movie transitions into a light heist film with a big plan reveal and everything Okay so Translucent Morpheus will sneak in and open a door that'll let some of the others in and they'll sort of partially disconnect Trinity and then go into The Matrix and politely ask if she'd like to leave because it's not kind to free people from brain prisons unless they say it's okay first then if she agrees they'll plug Bugs brain into Trinity's digital cell for a bit because I think so they have time to remove Trinity's body from the sludge and plug it back into their ship and then and then they can unplug Bugs faster than they would have originally unplugged Trinity so then they can escape faster does that make sense to you? Do you feel like you understand now? Good because I don't So that's the plan but before that Neo goes back into The Matrix to basically make a deal with the analyst saying okay if Trinity agrees to leave you need to letter but if not then you can just plug my ass back in The analyst agrees and Neo and Trinity have a little conversation and Neo's like you're trying to leave but before Trinity can decide Chad and her not real family come in are like hey mom your daughter broke her arm and Trinity's like I guess I should go with him but then Chad makes her upset so she decides never mind I won't here's hoping your mom isn't one comment away from leaving your dad for Keanu Reeves I'm sorry isn't it? The analyst tries to renege on his deal but then Smith shows up and starts killing everybody in the room which is ass to ankles full of cops and that buys the good guys an escape window and then Smith disappears from the body he was controlling no idea where he ends up but who cares The analyst then activates swarm mode which transforms the movie into a zombie movie for a bit because they had 20 years to think of ideas for this movie and they're gonna they're gonna shove every guy in one into it for the love of shit and apparently this new matrix is like pub G in that it's flooded with shit low-level bots that can attack at any moment It's a little disconcerting how many unarmed regular looking people get gunned down in the street and forced to commit suicide by jumping off buildings like Cars and Fate of the Furies but I guess that's what fun is Am I having fun watching suicides in the murder of innocence? I suppose that's better than the first three movies where civilian cannon fodder was actually human people but still not my favorite thing to watch Eventually Trinity and Neo end up on a building and kiss but with like way less tongue than when they were younger Still in love my ass Neo blows up a couple of helicopters for old time's sake and then they just decide to jump off the roof because that's a apparently always Trinity's first plan it's like hey do you know how to get to Target she's like yeah I do see ya bitch It's not a great plan but it's worked in the past and oh look she could freaking fly now Apparently this version of the Matrix created two the ones or maybe they've always been two parts of the one but Trinity never realized or even better maybe Matrix 5 is going to reveal that Neo's sister has the gift too and Trinity is that sister and they're about to birth some squid looking **** babies It's a trap but until then they fly away and then they kiss some in the real world and then they go back into the Matrix and literally punch the jaw off the analyst and tell them they're going to remake the world or whatever and there's nothing you can do about it He's actually not that worried about it because he believes people like living in this ****ing emotionally heightened world and Trinity and Neo are like nuh uh but also are all the humans in the Matrix currently ones that chose to remain originally or are they still growing humans on the side like did that start back up again feels like that'd be worth knowing irrelevant to this conversation but whatever they threaten the analyst saying that if he tries to interfere or reboot this version of the Matrix then the machines will purge him even though we have no concept of how machine society actually operates or who is in charge but I guess that's a good threat then credits roll with a sacrilegious rage against the machine **** cover song and eventually end on a logo for girl with her ass out productions oh and of course there's an in credits sequence where some guys are suggest they make a bunch of videos called the cat tricks because cat videos are popular or you can go |
dropout | what_genie_and_abu_have_in_common_fans_vs_faves_pt_2 | from Holidex to Hollow Knight nerds like a lot of things but there's something they love above all else and that is correcting people this is um actually joining us today we have Caldwell Tanner hi we have Jess Ross hello and a very special fan guest all the way from Chicagoland it's Alyssa Rusinellis hi thanks for having me thanks for being here really great to have you out here that's right we're doing these very special fan episodes where fans like you can play with us if you didn't know about this you gotta get on the discord we've been beating this drum I don't know what to tell you pay attention that's right it's your fault it's always your fault here on um actually well you all know how to play if you at home are watching this for the first time this is a stack of statements these are false statements but the things you know and love it's up to our contestants to find the thing that's wrong and correct me all your questions must be perceived by the phrase um actually don't I won't give you the point unless I forget that that's the one rule of this game and then I accidentally give you a point and then have to double back on myself I'm sorry secondly you can interrupt me whenever you want as soon as you hear what's wrong a buzz in tell me what's wrong that's it how's everyone feeling nerves a little confidence I'm feeling extremely nervous I don't know what to feel great from nihilism to nervous we've got it all spectrum our first question is about Star Wars all right droid is a catch-all term for an extremely diverse array of sentient robots ranging from the small and boxy MSE 6 mouse droid to the humanoid e3 Pio originating with the ancient Rakatan Empire droids are older than the Jedi Order itself yes um actually it's c3 Pio now we did this just to be mean c3 Pio is a real droid but there is also an e3 P new just to kind of throw you off yes e3 Pio is a real droid why would you do that she came all the way from Chicago I know I'm sorry that's not gonna stop me from being tricky the Renaissance era not quite so long long time ago it's Renaissance era no no yes well yes actually I believe that three P.O. classifies himself as a cyborg when he says human cyborg relations that's interesting he does say that but he's not a side he's not a cyborg at all is see unless unless oh my god does he have a human brain in there do we whole thing open it's in a brother operation is in two weeks oh my god we have to alert the press see three P.O. has a human mind no I'm gonna say no one got this unless you know unless Star Wars is hiding something from us about c3 Pio's origins droids didn't originate in the Rakatan Empire they're actually from even before the Rakatan Empire get out so they are they are perhaps older than 25,000 years old within the the Star Wars universe which means droids have just been kicking around forever like these like almost immortal like ancient technology it's like it's like the wheel fire artificial intelligence stomping around like everything yeah they're like computer vampires you have read the original Bible yeah an interview with a droid really puts R2 D2's little beeps into a new context yeah it's like crying out like trying to get people to acknowledge like this well that is no point for anyone on that one we have fun to our next question Disney's Aladdin genie whose true name is never revealed is the only character in Aladdin animated with four fingers instead of five a stylistic choice to make genie feel more cartoonish and otherworldly that's a fun fact thanks yeah yes Jess I don't think genie's the only one with four fingers what about a poo I don't think a poo has for that's not we're going for but I didn't count a poo's fingers to be fair so we'll get our fact checker to make sure but you you have hit on the right thing which is that that he's not the only character with four fingers but so I'll give you the point unless someone else can tell me who the character is Alyssa um actually Jafar only has four fingers no called I'm actually if you count the thumb he has five fingers yeah I'm not counting my thumb I'm one of those guys yeah I mean true to the spirit of the show but not what we're going for do you have any so she's right I've seen that's not what we're saying holy great buzzer take it actually the carpet has no finger oh you got the tassels though that's several little fingers oh my gosh well I'm now I got to figure out what to do here you're correct you didn't say I'm actually you said I'm actually and you also said something that's technically correct although doesn't have hands well well if you look at the fan art I did of the carpet as a human yeah lot of fingers well I gotta figure out what's the most fair here I guess we should battle it out I guess just battle it out I'm gonna give it to Alyssa because that is technically true and you didn't say I'm actually just which is the one rule and I have to I can't I can't let that slide that so we'll give a point for Alyssa that wasn't what I was going for the other humanoid human ish character who has four fingers is the merchant at the opening of the thing because that is in an old an older version that was going to be revealed to be genie sort of in disguise all of that seems later cut but so at least in the version we see there are two figures the genie and the merchant at the opening and closing it all right we'll move on to our next question this is about full metal alchemist the Elric brothers are both immensely talented alchemists Edward a state alchemist for the military can perform alchemy without an alchemical transmutation circle Alphonse has his own claim to fame though he lacks a physical body and instead is a soul bonded to a suit of metal armor earning him the nickname full metal um actually Fuhrer King Bradley gave Edward Elric the title full metal alchemist due to his auto mail arm and leg yes fine I was waiting for even more because you were so exasperated by what I had said I self-regulated myself I could have gone on do you want to go on I mean what do we want to talk about Brotherhood or the original animated series or perhaps the OVA movie I mean it's up to us you know what do we want to do oh yeah this is kind of a gimme if you're familiar with the series because this is something they even point out within the series itself that the character who is in fact a full metal suit of armor is not the one who is called the full metal alchemist some really advanced humor on display in the series they joke about that and then the fact that Edward is short look you take a comedy where you can I guess you know great well we'll go on we're gonna move on to this is a new thing we're doing with them actually this is a fan submitted question so this is from from one of you out there in fact this is from Baron coupe or perhaps Baron co-op I'm not sure where it is there's no hyphen I either seems possible but here's a question from Baron coupe this is about wreck it Ralph Ralph may come from the fictional video game fix it Felix but his support group bad anon is popular in the villains yes called well what I'm actually it's fix it Felix jr. that's correct that your victory your well victory dance well I couldn't even finish the question but that is part of it I feel bad I feel like you know you're you're a guest here I should be giving you more of a fair shake yeah what are you doing I mean you have to defend your job yes true because otherwise I will steal it it's true I lose my job all jobs if I lose here today we're gonna move on to our our first shiny question of the game and this is a game that I maybe thought I shouldn't do because I think you've done it every time you've come on there's a game called dictionary but I decided wanted to because Alyssa is also an artist animator in training so it felt very appropriate that we should play this game so the way this works is I'm gonna give you the name of a creature from folklore or myth or something and it'll be up to you to draw that creature to the best of your ability I won't be judging the quality of the drawing I'll be judging looking more for like things that are like key components of this if you get enough of them you get close enough I've already drawn a window go okay well you're way behind that because that's not what I'm about to say fair your creature is zera tan Jess is giggling to herself she's gonna draw something inappropriate oh the anatomy is lovely oh thank you Alyssa's locking in I just have to draw the udder oh wait I almost heard that the udder no yeah I forgot my udder's okay well let's go ahead and take a look at these lovely drawings Caldwell we'll start with you and we'll work our way down the line okay so I beware viewer for this site might shock you behold the zero tan tell us about the zera okay so zera tan classical classical creep obviously you know it sneaks into your cupboard steals all your powders yeah so that they can produce milk from their udder okay they love this like if you're like a cocoa they'll make like a cocoa with that it just comes right out there okay and this seems to be a crab giving me flipping the bird with a cat face well that's when it gets caught it goes like give me your powder all right well this is pretty far although there is maybe one element that I could count but I don't think I'm going to let's see let's see what everyone else does yeah so we all know him from you know what are we doing from just from Pokemon he's a robot who likes to go to the beach is he trying to get a tan he is but that's kind of the thing almost going back to the c3po stuff he can't because he's a robot it's tragic so he goes to the beach every day and tries to get a tan he has little abs and this is to get different TV shows he's pretty good and the Sun is his enemy in this world as we all know did he draw the abs on himself no his creator did all right well this is pretty far pretty far from being wrong but let's take a look what Alyssa has here so here we have from the Renaissance era it secretes paint from its otters and uses its tail to create works of art um also it just has big stupid eyes it's like a smear goal situation something you'd see like on the side of a building in the 70s yeah like Oh zero tan was here in the 1470s yeah it's from the Renaissance if you look closely at the at the top of the Sistine Chapel actually this is there well these are all pretty far from the correct answer but why don't we go ahead and take a look at what it should look like before we make any judgments here yeah well yes yeah the key feature looking for is this is like a city or a full ecosystem on the back of what is usually a turtle sometimes sometimes called well a crab but usually a turtle that's it for this preview of um actually if you enjoyed it I have good news there's a lot more of it over on dropout go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today and fun fact I'm not wearing any pants right now I'm gonna give you a name of something from sci-fi fantasy first person who can spell it correctly will get the point your word is Daenerys Targaryen |
dropout | the_adventures_of_kim_jong_un_and_dennis_rodman | At 8 p.m. on True Korea Only Channel, it's Rodman and Un, crime haters. One is a handsome ladies' man, and the other overstates his famous friends. I deserve this. Then at 9, it's Rodman and Un again, but this time they fight vampires. Don't worry, they can only hurt those who lie about being the world's most famous basketball player. It's a living nightmare. Then at 9, 37, it's Rodman and Un, handsome suit lawyers.
Stop! My brilliant partner's evidence will free that sexy lady. Meanwhile, I turn myself in for being a bad friend. Truly, the greatest crime of all. Then at 10, 19, it's the same show, but we learn the lawyers are also doctors. Quickly, doctor. Her heart has broken because a true friend made a commercial mocking her. Facetios. She is better, but she will never forgive the friend.
He then fed the Jews to pitworms and wrote it himself. Also, I am a worthless betrayer who cannot actually introduce you to Macaulay Culkin. By the entire Rodman and Un collection on Betamax and received the bonus movie, actual footage of a false friend being tortured. Okay, let's have a look. I am more famous than Jordan.
She might be right. |
cracked | 12_14_07_news_on_cracked_the_week_in_douchebaggery_mlb | It's Friday, December 14th, and this is the News On Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I'm in a hotel room. It's time for everyone's favorite, The Week in Douchebaggery. Douchebag number five, Paris Hilton.
Paris has done a nude ad campaign for charity. But isn't Paris doing a nude ad campaign for charity, sort of like Barry Bonds doing steroids for charity? It's not so much doing something for a charity as it is near a charity.
Douchebag number four, Roger Clemens. He's now been accused of using steroids to win his multiple Cy Young Awards. What's next? Are we going to find out the rocket used actual rockets for his fastballs? You know, Clemens, I think I speak for everyone when I say that only losers use drugs, and real winners don't need them to succeed. Winners like Barry Bonds.
Douchebag number three, USA Today. This is an actual, undocked copy of the USA Today that was shoved under my hotel door early this morning. Not surprisingly, steroids and baseball made the front page. But let's look closer at this edition of USA Today. Hey, what a great sticker! Holiday Inn is the official hotel of the MLB.
Turns out that way too many women were given breast exams looking for cancer when those breast exams weren't actually warranted at all. How come you were all obsessed with examining women's breast scientists? It's just breast, breast, breast with you. Hey, let me see your breast. Turns out I don't even need to look at your breast to tell if you have cancer because it's not medically necessary. But I just like breast, breast, breast, breast, breast.
You know why you're douchebags, medical scientists? I'll tell you why you're douchebags, medical scientists. Because how the hell am I supposed to work Barry Bonds into this story about breasts? I mean, I guess both of them are big when they're at their best. But still, Medical Science, you're douchebags.
And finally, douchebag number one. You guessed it. It's been a long time coming. Elvis Costello. That guy hasn't released a good song since Veronica. What's the deal, Elvis? That's it for the Week in Douchebaggery on today's edition of The News Uncracked.
Check back with us on Monday. Or else. |
dropout | why_people_think_video_games_are_just_for_boys_adam_ruins_everything | Early video games like Pong were totally unisex. Am I a boy dot or a girl dot? You're just a dot. In fact, the game was marketed to the entire family. What about Pac-Man? He was a boy. True. But the game was so popular with women that when it came time for a sequel, the developers gave it a female main character, Ms. Pac-Man.
Ah yeah, I'm spooky. But Mrs. Ms. She was a modern 80's career woman. I have an MBA in eating ghosts. Waka waka waka waka waka waka waka waka waka. She's so confident.
And not only was much of the audience female, many of the developers were too. Among the stars of early game design were Atari's Carol Shaw, Centipede creator Donna Bailey and Roberta Williams, an adventure game pioneer and company co-founder, whose King's Quest series was a massive hit among gamers of all stripes.
Cool. Seems like everything's great.
Can I play my game now? Nope, because all of that changed thanks to the video game crash of 1983. Greedy publishers started flooding the market with shoddy games like I Want My Mommy, Lost Luggage, and E.T. for the Atari 2600, which has been called one of the worst games of all time. Yuck! I'll play anything and even I know that's a turd. Most adults stopped playing games entirely, and the video game market cratered.
So when it came time to market the original Nintendo Entertainment System, Nintendo devised a plan. Instead of selling it in the electronics section, they sold it in the toy aisle. But by then, the toy aisle was completely separated into pink and blue, boy and girl. Nintendo had to choose a side.
They went with boy. Then they marketed to those boys relentlessly. Other brands soon followed suit, and kept marketing to them as they grew up, and kept marketing to them as they grew up.
And after decades of this kind of advertising, we now think of video games as being the exclusive domain of the male sex. Okay, those ads are weird, but boys just like video games more than girls do. Sorry Jake, that's a straight up myth. More adult women play video games than teenage boys do.
Sweet! That's just counting stupid phone games. Uh, so? Games are games, Jake.
All that means is that mainstream consoles like PS4 and Xbox One are refusing to serve a huge untapped market. We're talking millions of women who would love to play more games, but are being pushed away from the hobby by weird, old-fashioned marketing that publishers are sticking with seemingly out of sheer force of habit. Force of habit.
Ow, who's doing that? Why are you hurting me, Megan? Because I'm mad at you.
I like games. I've always liked them. It's just sometimes I feel like they don't love me back. You act like I'm not supposed to play them or something just because you listen to all these stupid ads. Jake, video games are the greatest new art form of the century. They can do anything.
Saying they're for just one gender is ridiculous. Yeah, it's like saying movies are just for girls or books are just for dads. Stupid. When we think about video games in such a limited way, it makes the games worse, it loses the industry money, and it's really mean to your sister.
Just wait. He'll burn out in about three minutes. Yeah, I've seen this before. Hey, I'm Adam from College Humor. If you liked that clip, make sure to check out my new show, Adam Ruins Everything, Tuesdays at 10 p.m. on TruTV. It's gonna ruin your Tuesday, but trust me, the rest of your week will be fine. |
TheOnion | Brooklyn_Bridge_Opens_Completely_Revolutionizes_Suicide_In_Fetid_Hellhole_Of_New_York_City | From 1941, when an amoeba became the first single-celled organism to play professional baseball, to 1794, when Thomas Jefferson more than likely did something historically significant, The Onion looks back at this week in history. On May 22, 1992, beloved talk show host Johnny Carson ended his 30-year run of hosting The Tonight Show with a farewell episode that included special guests Saddam Hussein, KKK grand wizard Virgil Lee Griffin, and a musical performance by the flagship. On May 25, 1925, Tennessee teacher John T. Scopes was formally indicted for teaching the theory of evolution in a public school after a monkey called to the stand failed to turn into a human. Sir, you have been on the witness stand for a full three hours now, and in this time we haven't seen you lose any of your hair or shed your tail. Can you at least articulate a single, justifiable reason why Mr. Darwin's theory should even be mentioned in our nation's classrooms? The prosecution rests its case.
On May 24, 1883, the Brooklyn Bridge opened, providing New Yorkers with a more efficient way of killing themselves and escaping their trash-ridden excrement cake city. The monument's historic opening was marked by hundreds of people jumping 275 feet to their deaths in order to avoid waking up every morning with the smell of horseshit filling their nostrils. Before the Brooklyn Bridge, there were very few ways for New Yorkers to free themselves from the cesspool in which they lived. One method was to tie cinder blocks on their legs and walk into the Hudson River. But of course, the banks of the Hudson were so brimming with garbage and raw sewage that the putrid stench would drive back even the most desperate suicide seeker.
I should apologize if I seem a little distracted. I found out last night that my colleague, Professor Eric Kaufman, won a Distinguished Professor Award. I don't know why they love him so much. You know, I know that I'm not as charismatic or as good-looking as he is, but when it comes to scholarship, actual scholarship... Anyway, when I heard about it, something came over me. But I went to his house last night, we talked about it, and I have to say I feel better. In fact, I feel almost nothing except a sense of peace and calm.
And on May 27, 1995, actor Christopher Reeve came in last place in a horseback riding event. And that was what happened this week in history. In the words of Adolf Hitler, I hope history is doomed to repeat itself because I very much enjoy the part where millions and millions of Jews die. |
dropout | the_michael_showalter_showalter_with_paul_rudd | Hello, I'm Michael Showalter, and this is the Michael Showalter Showalter. On tonight's show, I'm very pleased to have comic actor, Paul Rudd.
This is some good Dr. Pepper. We pretend that it's espresso. If you pour the soda in, it foams up and it almost looks like it's, you know, like foam from an espresso.
In the past, we just don't go there at all. You don't draw attention to it. No.
That's what I wanted to do. We saw that, you were pouring it. You started the interview. Yeah, you planned that out. I did. And do it again.
I'll have it a little. I need a little. No, you won't.
This is mine. Christ, can we just take the thing fucking line by line? It is hard to do this. When you're always saying, oh, let's change this. Let's do this.
Everybody's doing a different fucking thing. You're shooting something. He's standing here. I don't know what the fuck he's doing.
I think we're being very efficient, actually. Patient? No, I said efficient. I'm sorry. You know what? I mean, we're not as, we're not as, I'm not as brilliant as you.
Can we just take the shot? Yes. Can we, let's just do it.
All right, I don't, I don't get you, man. It wouldn't be the first time. Like, there is no Paul Rudd. No. There's only the parts that you've played.
Right now, I'm, I'm Randy. I did a, I was playing a guy named Randy. I want to talk more to Randy. Can we talk more to Randy? Wait, I just need a second. I need a second. Randy's scary.
Hey, how you doing, man? So what's up with Randy? What do you care? What do you care what's up with me?
You don't know me. You think you know me? You don't know me.
Is this Randy's bowling shirt? No, this is Ben's bowling shirt. Oh, who's Ben?
I don't know. Randy shops at thrift stores. What do you care, faggot?
Are you lonely? Who isn't lonely? Go on walks. You have a job? Who doesn't have a job?
A lot of people. People are idiots.
You have food here? Yeah, we have bagels. Oh, those are for Jewish people.
Can you swear on CollegeHumor? Yes. Dot com? Yes. Fucking ain't right, you can. Go ahead. Piss. Does anyone watch it? Mm-hmm. Really? Mm-hmm. Who? CollegeKids? Do you have CollegeHumor.com bookmarked on your computer? No. Because my computer has, Rick can recognize a letter, so all I have to do is type in C and it just goes right there.
Oh, oh no. It's not interesting at all. No, this is fascinating.
Randy, what do you have bookmarked? Milf Hunter.
I'm trying to fucking help you, Paul. Do you understand me? I don't need a fucking collaborator, Paul. Do you understand me?
I'm trying to do my fucking job. Jesus fucking Christ, I've been working on this show for three fucking weeks. You fucking dick. Jesus fucking Christ. Like I need some fucking cunt bitch telling me how to do my job. Fuck. Jesus fucking Christ. Go fuck your show, Walter.
Because that's what you're doing. You know what Gaia is? Gaia. No, what's that? It's the earth. I live and work within the rhythms of the earth. There's only three things I need. Which is, what's that?
Air. Ocean. Two, I need two things, air and ocean. Food. I get my nutrition from the wind. So I guess three, that would be the third thing. I need wind. To me air and wind would be the same thing.
It's all the same thing, Mike. I mean, poetry, acting, my music, my painting, my drawing, is God, I don't know, you know? I don't know what it is. You know these actors who do these movies and it's like they're playing a drug addict and then they go hang out with a drug addict. Do you do that stuff? I do sometimes, but it depends on what it is. Like what?
We'll be an example. One of our first films, Wet Hot American Summer.
What did you like research being a camp counselor? I went to camp to become a camp counselor. A camp counselor?
We need to get insurance against the director. You're a fucking grown-up, okay? Then act like one. You're a grown-up. So then act like a fucking grown-up.
Fucking dick. You cunt.
Ask me a question. Thank you for coming on the show. What would you like to ask me?
Your Gandhi sounds a little bit like Yoda. Spin my own clothes, I do. See, I'm a bad interviewer because I... A lawyer, I was. This is an impersonation of Yoda. This is Yoda doing Gandhi. Right. Skinny, I am.
Thank you, Paul. Paul Rudd, thank you very much.
Come again. This has been the Michael Showalter Showalter and we'll see you next time. Oh! |
SaturdayNightLive | pregnant_co_worker_snl | Oh, my God, a waffle maker. that is so nice, Jackie. Well, I just thought maybe you could do Sunday morning waffles with your little girl. that's so sweet. I could cry. we're just so happy for you, Susie. yeah, and we're really gonna miss you.
Well, I'll be back in a few months unless Jim fires me. Oh, come on, now. I wouldn't do that. that would be super illegal.
And, hey, even though I'm starting maternity leave, I'm sure you'll all be seeing plenty of me. I hope so. after all, I'm the Godfather. you made me an awful good machine. you're still working on the impression. I just can't get over how beautiful you look. Thank you, Kennedy. honestly, I've actually never felt better. my nails are strong. my skin looks great. I'm just glowing. This is everything I've ever wanted. that is so inspiring. Well, I'll leave you guys with this saying that I found on Brainyquote.com that really captures kind of the way I'm feeling right now. it's so beautiful. a mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child. that just absolutely nails the maternal feeling surging through my body.
Anyway, let me just grab this waffle maker. Ah! ah! ah! ah! How many frickin' times is this gonna happen to me? um. I'm sorry. was that. a fart. Yes, Jim. I ripped a big old fart. are you happy? no. I definitely wouldn't say happy. So it was, uh, uh, not a baby, just gas, Uh, yeah, Kennedy, obviously. Guess you can have your waffle maker back. I can't make Sunday morning waffles for a fart. just keep it. I'm too embarrassed to explain why I'm returning it. damn it. I've been playing Mozart to a gas bubble for eight frickin' months. I'm so stupid. smells like maybe it was twins. didn't you go to a doctor? what kind of a doctor, Jackie? a fart doctor? don't taunt me. well, whatever. at least I still get six months' eternity leave. you definitely do not. you forfeited your maternity leave when you stuck up the office.
So, Susie, this has happened more than once? Four times? How is that even possible, Susie?
Oh, my God. What? I just remember something. I feel so bad because I remember this morning on the bus, an old man gave me a seat, and then the bus hit a bump and he fell down in the aisle and he died. that was this morning? Whatever.
Well, the good news is I can start drinking again. you do know you at work, right? Hey, Susie, I got your lunch order from the cafeteria. Oh, thank you so much, Evan. what do you get?
Um, oh, I get the same thing every day. I get catfish sliders. well. I'm just really hitting the spot in a very unbelievable way.
Susie, look at you. Oh, my God. look at your stomach.
Oh, my God. it's a miracle. No. it's a miracle. No. guys, I have some really exciting news.
I wanted to tell you that I'm pregnant again. Well, there's no need to take a pregnancy test. call it a mother's intuition. I really think it would be a nice gesture for all of you to organize a baby shower for me. you're not pregnant, Susie. it's just gas from your hungry ass pounding catfish sliders at 11 a.m. Look, Kennedy, I know you're a single gal whoring around the city, so you couldn't possibly understand how.
Oh, My God. Oh, my God, No. How much suffering can a one mother bear?
Whatever. Well, at least I can smoke again. Wait, Susie. don't let that cigar. Goodbye. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_rock_roll_hall_of_fame_inductees_world_s_oldest_living_dog_snl | A new report shows that about six million Americans now identify as Afro-latino. Afro-latino is also what Spirit Halloween calls their unlicensed Bruno Mars costume.
Oh! New York City has launched a new campaign to stop speeding in the city with a series of signs designed to scare drivers. the terrifying signs read simply, entering New Jersey. the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announced that Dolly Parton would be inducted this year, along with Eminem, Lionel Richie, and Carly Simon, which begs the question, what is Rock and Roll? A bet used by Jackie Robinson was sold at auction for more than $1 million. the bet is considered to be so valuable because Robinson used it as an all-star game and also to get back to his car safely. Oh! Qantas has announced plans for a new direct flight from New York to Australia that will take 19 hours. Not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines announced a new flight from New York to Philadelphia that will also take 19 hours. archaeologists have discovered 1,000-year-old drawings in a cave in Alabama, and guys, they're bad. really bad drawings. a British lawmaker resigned after admitting that he washed porn on his phone in the chambers of parliament, which seems pretty tame, considering our congress allows full penetration. colleagues knew he was watching porn when a vote passed by a count of 650. Yeas to one, Oh my God, Yay.
Oh, Colin. a 220-carat diamond known as the Rock will become the largest white diamond ever auctioned off. Wow, 220 carats. I mean, can you imagine the size of the child who mined that? it's Huge, man.
Happy Mother's Day. a woman at a bachelorette party in Scotland was attacked while wearing an inflatable penis costume. the woman says she's still throbbing and her head feels like it's ready to explode. the oldest dog has been broken by a 21-year-old Chihuahua named Timothy Chalamet. Michael Che. I'm Colin Jones, Good Night. |
dropout | gimmick_workouts_aren_t_real_exercise_hardly_working | Oh, if we hurry, we can still make the boot camp class. Oh, I like cord crusher. Hey, Grant, we're going to try a shock gym down the street.
You want to come? Fuck all that. I got a burden going right now. What do you mean? I'm mid workout. How so? Come, come.
This is the max stool total body workout system. You're sitting down and your feet are up. I'm holding a dynamic body mass burn position. It targets all my major muscle groups. Your arms are literally dangling at your side. Oh yeah, it's low impact. It's the same concept as sitting on a yoga ball or using one of those ab electrodes. This isn't exercise. You're fucking wrong. Ordinary workouts put stress on your joints and lungs, but with the max stool, I can sit my way to fit. Does this thing even burn calories?
I'm going to look like that guy. Grant, you're being scammed.
If you want to exercise, you have to exercise. I can change positions to burn more fat. Not yet. I think this thing is going to give you back problems. Yeah, my back's strong as shit. I'm working it out right now. Eat it, chest dang. That's not exercise and it doesn't even look that comfortable. Look, putting on size, I can't believe I explained this. Putting on size is about tearing down the muscle fibers so your body can feel it. Wait, what is happening now? The stool sensed my heart rate was getting too high, so it's putting me in a cool-down period. I know that that's not going to help you lose weight.
Huge. I'll be huge.
How long do you do this? Good session, guys.
I mean, he does look good though. No. Yeah, I mean Grant's body is incredible. It's very, very impressive. Yeah, way better than ours.
Ready for another set? And one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Hey, it's Grant from College Humor. Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
Sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out? Because I can see the top of the camera, so it's...
Is this better? All right. It feels worse. Okay. Thanks for watching. |
TheOnion | Should_Animals_Have_More_Eyes | Eyes are what allow us and virtually all animals to see the world around us. The question is, should animals have more eyes than they already do? It's pretty safe to say there are no downsides to more eyes. Just imagine if a rabbit had extra eyes on its stomach and its back. Now, not only could that rabbit keep a close eye on the ground at all times, it could also see hawks coming overhead. And if that rabbit were to somehow lose an eye, having more eyes would mean there would still be plenty of eyes left over. In the water, in the sky, the possibilities for extra eyes are limitless. It's not like animals don't have plenty of room for more eyes either. In fact, if you look at nature, most animals have just two, and rarely more than eight. That's a lot of perfectly good eye space going to waste. So if animals could have more eyes, why don't they?
The most likely answer is that we simply haven't had long enough to evolve yet. Look at human beings. We only have two eyes. But then again, we've only been around for about 200,000 years. Maybe in another 200,000, we'll look like this. For The Onion, I'm science editor Rafe Gillis. |
ClickHole | cosby_fans_rejoice_here_s_a_way_to_enjoy_the_cosby_show_without_feeling_weird | Good for it. You promised me you were going to pay me back today. The day's not over is it? What are you two doing?
Theo owes me five dollars. You too. Look Vanessa, I don't owe you five dollars. I owe you three. You know, lately I've been hearing you owe, and at the front and the back of it, I hear the name Theo. I don't owe everybody. You owe me a quarter.
I'm good for it. When? Oh, I'll tell you when. Never. Alright, alright. I'm going to pay you.
Dad, can I have an advance on my allowance? Son, you're already backed up till your 50th birthday. Theo, you're developing some very bad habits with your finances, son. What are you going to do when... If you owe people money, they are not going to be so understanding. Yeah, Theo, a bank's not going to listen to your excuses.
Your mother and your sister are absolutely correct. You see, we're your family. We love you, we let you borrow money even though you're not qualified to pay it back.
You get out in the real world, it's going to be different. But when I get in the real world, I'll do just fine, because I'm going to have a lot of money. I hope you're not waiting for me to die. No, I'm going to earn it.
How? I'm serious. I've seen those guys in magazines. I can look just as good as they do. And the great thing about it, I can start mouthing when I'm 18. You think you'll be ready to go out on your own when you're 18? Definitely.
As a model, I'll be making the big money. Yes, but before you make the big money, you'll be making maybe teeny money. Very little money.
You're going to have to get an apartment. You're going to have to get all the things you need. When the time comes, I'll be ready.
Ha ha ha ha ha. I like your confidence. Hey dad, I know what I'm doing. Really? Yeah, I'm going to have a new car, nice clothes, and a great apartment. Well you make it sound easy.
It will be. See you guys tomorrow. Where are you going? I'm speeding down at Cockroach's house. What time will you be back? Around 10. Okay. Bye. See you guys later. Are you all going to be here around 10 tomorrow morning? Yeah.
Good, because I'm going to surprise Mr. Theo. Tomorrow when he comes here, this house will be the real world.
Man, there's nothing in here. Where'd they put your stuff? I don't know.
They're going all out for this. I know, and that's why you've got to be good.
Hey, you've got nothing to worry about. Alright.
Hi, Mr. Ewax. I'm Horton W. Dansbury. You see, instead of a letter, I decided to make my employer.
Yes. I'm in oil. Yes, let me give you one of my cards. I am.
I'm the spokesman for Cockroach Oil. Yeah, see, let me tell you something, Mr. Ewax, about this man. He's responsible, dependable, hardworking. In fact, he's the reason why Cockroach Oil is what it is today.
Alright! I did it, Dad! Come on, Dad. Isn't this what it was all about? Me getting the apartment by myself? I proved to you I can do it. So let's get my furniture back in here. Okay, hold it.
Time out, time out. I need my dad. Could you find him for me? Thank you. Now, here are the questions I want you to ask Theo. Just go right down this checklist, okay? Would you two please wait a minute while I finish with this nice couple over here? Vanessa.
Just be cool.
Well, your loan application seems to be in perfect order. Looks good. I'm going to recommend approval. What we have to do is get this loan approved by the president of our bank, Mrs. Griswold.
Excuse me. Mrs. Griswold? Oh, man! Mrs. Griswold.
Yes? Would you please look at this application and tell me what you think?
Approved. Thank you, Mrs. Griswold. You're welcome. Thank you so much for all your help. You're welcome. And if you need any more money, call us. |
TheOnion | Congress_Debates_Merits_Of_New_Catchphrase | I would like to voice my support for H.R. 766. Economic indicators suggest that nanotechnology will be a trillion dollar industry by the year 2010. H.R. 766 will position the United States as a global leader in this truly pranking new market. Excuse me, Congressman, could you please repeat that?
Well, at least it does in Virginia's 11th district. Maybe it's just something me and my constituents say. Noted. Please continue, Congressman. Thank you. Nanotechnology is an important field and failure to keep pace with our global competitors would be very prompt. Congressman, if I may interrupt, in that instance, did the word prank indicate a negative?
You didn't hear the difference in the inflection? I'd like to get that noted. Let the record reflect that. Should I write it down?
Somebody hand me a prank. We have it.
Please continue, Congressman. Thank you.
Now, the hallmarks of H.R. 766 are threefold. Number one, increased research funding.
Number two, limited tax pranks for the nanotech infrastructure. And number prank, a greater emphasis on your... Congressman, did you or did you not just use the word prank as a number?
Is that a prong? Congressman Cummings, I'm beginning to believe that you simply made this term up. Chairman, that is prong-rageous. Prong is a word everyone in Virginia's 11th district uses. Mr. Chairman, may I interject, please? Yes, Congresswoman Reynolds. I have been to Virginia's 11th district many times and I have never heard the word prong. That is prong, sir.
You are out of order. But you're prong of order. Mr. Chairman... I think Congressman Reynolds is just a little behind the time. Excuse me? Order, please. I'm very behind the time. Order, please. You think this is funny? We have been here a long time, Mr. Chairman. Order, please.
Congresswoman Reynolds, let him continue. Mr. Chairman, I will deliver my full testimony as written. It is my promptly held belief that, as Thomas Jefferson said, all prongs living prongfully within this land of prong have the right and prongful duty to express themselves with prong. Whichever pronging manner such prong, prongingly prongs, prongfully prongify them to prong. Okay, Congressman Cummings. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Taylor_s_Cancelled_Concerts_Albo_s_Bux_Pissed_Politicians_and_Yassssbetos_Stri_ | You're listening to a DM podcast. You're listening to The Batooter Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Don't waste your time on me. You're already the voice inside me. Welcome back to The Batooter Advocate radio show, as you can see a couple of introspective white men here kind of buoyed by the arrival of Blink 182.
I'm white ethnic. No, you're spicy white is the actual politically correct term. But also white ethnic basically constitutes everyone with the fucking...
Well, no, not really. Well the Irish count. No, they don't. Yeah, they do. No, they don't.
JFK was the first white ethnic president of America and technically Joe Biden's the second. He's Irish. Irish is white. Yeah. Irish is white ethnic. He's not very Irish when it comes to Palestine, but... Irish is POC. Irish are just the Polish of the English speaking world. Yeah, which means they fall under the English tree that I get the white ethnic thing.
Sorry. That's incredibly... Humanities work at ants. Incredibly volatile. Fighting words basically is what I would say.
How's everyone going? You're going to... Not too bad. You guys are going to Blink tonight?
I went to Pink in Sydney last week. That was amazing. Was it? Pissed down rain though. It was, you know.
Did she do the backflips? She did everything.
I was impressed with the pink hair dye from you, Errol. You really went all out. Thank you. Well, it was a spray. It was a spray. Yeah, so it washes out overnight, right? That's how you can do it.
You went to JJ's and got the written jeans? No, I actually got my true religion ones out from the bottom of the cupboard. The Diamonti studded belt was a particularly nice touch. Yeah, well, it's such a shame now that boot cut jeans aren't cool anymore.
I know. Because, yeah, they just...
You could only see the tip of my Converse out from underneath, right? The tip of my Converse. You could only see the...
Hot tops. Come on. No, I just... No, I had those... Well, it was either I wear the Converse or the Onyosuka Tigers or... Or... The Czech advance. No, no, no, no, no. I was going to a pink show, so I had my slip-on Lonsdale's in my carry-on that I was going to wear, but I ended up going with the Converse and my true religion boot cut jeans were just a bit too baggy.
Wallet chain? No wallet chain, but I did actually, I had a slim cut suit shirt on top.
It's not very... It looked good when I was standing up, but when I sat down on the light rail going back into the city after the show, I caught my reflection in the glass of the light rail and saw that it just perfectly accentuated my rolls and man-wap johns. And the button started webbing. It did look like that, so then I ended up going down to Thai town, meeting a few people and just, yeah, just avoiding sitting down. It's a bit of a singles conference for people your age, isn't it, the pink concerts? It is. It is, you know.
I did kind of feel like a U-boat in the North Atlantic in 1942, you know. It would have been like fish in a barrel. Hunting, but also being hunted aggressively myself by, you know, minesweepers.
We're talking surf club milfs. A couple of depth charges got chucked my way, but I'll tell you what, it was... Some Long Beach 40s canteen mums or surf club milfs, what's the talent like at the...
We're talking white jeans, charm bracelets from Pandora, a few Camilla caftans. The three-tone with the pink, brown and blonde as well.
Yep. Platinum. No, not platinum, yellowy-blonde. Anyway.
And a couple of sheilas asking your exact height. A few of them were, yeah. I was honest. I said, look, in a pair of Cuban Hill boots, I'm six foot two, barefoot I'm six flat, to the millimeter, which is good, so yeah. Did you get a Lego? I'm about in converse. Look, I'm not prepared to talk about that kind of stuff on our podcast.
He did. Look at him.
In a perfect world, we wouldn't do this podcast. We'd just be like a good old-fashioned newspaper. We'd just report the news, and people don't ask me these curly questions about my...
Are you still staying at that solitel with the workbench you like? Are you still going to that bathhouse that you insist is not one of those bathhouses?
Yeah, point taken. All right. What's making news this week, Wendell?
I love getting into a bit of charity work down at the bathhouse. I don't come down there and tell you how to live your life. I don't ask what happens in the bathhouse.
I don't know if you're actually playing Squash, or if that's just code for something. I'm always puffed when you call me there. Every time I call you about some breaking news, it sounds like you've just played 20 hard minutes of AFL. Anyway, yeah, no, see, it's not very funny when people ask you curly questions about what you do in your spare time.
Well, look at the optics. I can understand the optics of me going to the bathhouse. I do it on my lunch house. You took a whole week to go to Sydney to attend a big concert alone. Yeah. You're going to act like that doesn't look like a dirty weekend. You go to the bathhouse every day and you're married. I love esteem.
You're also the kind of person that knows which public toilet you can and can't go to around town. Oh, you say, oh, Errol, you can't go to that one on the river because you know what happens there.
No, I don't. I'm a 47-year-old Catholic that's never been married.
What do you think? To me, it's just a place where you go to the bathroom, but for you, Christ knows what it is. Do you see all your friends from down at the bathhouse? 47-year-old Catholic who's never been married sounds like a prime candidate for the bathhouse. I'll tell you that much. Furthermore, doesn't really sound like the type of person that would fly down to spend a weekend in the SCG. Yeah. Well, a lot of people who listen to this podcast don't think that you get thrown around like a fucking bathmat in a Chinese laundry, do you?
The rest is still unwritten, they say. Speaking of concerts, there's one that's not going ahead. No, this is huge news, and this is probably the biggest news around the country this week.
Taylor Swift has cancelled her Australian tour to spend the week celebrating with her boyfriend because she says football is more important. Yes, global superstar Taylor Swift has sent shockwaves across the nation this week after announcing that she will no longer be coming to Australia because the biggest name in music is said to be cancelling the tour in favour of having a week-long bender with her boyfriend Travis Kelsey, whose team, the Kansas City Chiefs, also known as the Taylor Swift's Boyfriend Team, won their third Super Bowl in their match against the 49ers.
69ers. 69ers from the homeless epidemic capital of San Francisco.
The pop star is citing her busy workload and Australia just being so far away on the other side of the world. Swift asked her fans to please extend her some sympathy as she takes a much-needed week off.
Hectic. As she said on her Instagram, we must fight for our right to party. So, see you next year, Australia. Maybe. I also reckon that Aussie doll is doing her any favours coming all the way over here. Oh, let's be real, this is... It's about the fans.
She's having meetings with Joe Biden ahead of the election as part of the psy-op. Her and Travis are running in the deep state, so they're just organising the next kind of few months ahead in terms of the election process and all that sort of stuff. She's not going on a bender with Travis.
Anyway. Speaking of the Aussie dollar, there's only one place where it will get you any value. Yep. New Zealand. Ah, our neighbours to the north.
Yes, Bali. The island nation of Bali.
Mm-hmm. Yep, the independent... I just handballed you a segue and you fucked it. Yeah, I did. I just read the headline.
Overexcited Penny Wong begins looking up Bali flights after creating Albo's Box group chat. Yes, some big news in Canberra this week with Prime Minister Anthony Albanese taking a knee on Valentine's Day. Albanese proposed to his partner Jody Haydon after a lovely Italian meal on Wednesday night and has set in motion a major chain of events. Yes, that's right. Prime Minister Penny Wong has today taken charge of organising Albo's Box party, co-leading a group of politicians, musicians and notable mates that Albo kicks around with. She's told us it's the likes of Jim Chalmers, Nick Cave, Russell Crowe and they're looking to book out the grand final long weekend because they're heading off to Bali for a bucket load of bintangs.
She's been accused of using some very toxic language in the chat, very unbecoming of and has since kicked Bill Shorten out of the group for suggesting that they just go and play mini-golf. Yeah, it's all happening in that group, apparently Chris Bowen keeps sending very graphic videos and gifs of people getting kicked in the nuts and stuff. Twisted, twisted online content. Yeah, pretty twisted.
Pat Conroy keeps asking about the entertainment and strippers, he just keeps bringing it up, like what's happening with that. Tony Berg's been asking if they can have a Hux which is a Hens and a Bucks combined which is usually what you suggest when you aren't capable of holding court with just men. Yeah, I think his partner is the one suggesting the Hux because I think she doesn't want to send Tony off to Bali for three or four days. There was a comment on this story that wasn't very happy with our coverage of this.
Frothy Muffy said, pathetic attempt at trying to make these neo-marxist technocrats relatable to the Batutah target demographic sad. They're actually neo-liberals, they're property investors. Yeah, neo-marxist sounds exciting, if anything, compared to what we've got. Technocrat also sounds kind of exciting. It's about the rapper. So sick of love songs, so sad and true, neo-marxist is typically incorporating elements of other intellectual traditions such as critical theory, psychoanalysis and extensilism. Anyway, what else is making news, Wendell?
We're going to stay with politics and a female MP has revealed that she's looking forward to getting shitfaced at work and passing out on the street because she knows there will be absolutely zero consequences for her behaviour. The federal member for our bustling inland port city has told The Advocate this week that she's looking forward to making the most of her newfound freedom. Normally quite a prim and proper politician in the public eye, the member for Remianco has said the Barnaby Joyce saga has prompted her to let loose every once in a while now. Yes, as she explained, I mean, say what you want about Barnaby, it just goes to show that when you're in public office there are no repercussions for anything. He still doesn't think he's done anything wrong. He thinks that he's a victim of mixing two of his new Kanunga Hill, Bundaberg Rum, nicotine and benzos. As a female member of parliament, I've been careful to manufacture an image of myself that I'm quietly respectful of everyone and that even people like Barnaby Joyce can share their opinion on, say, female reproductive health with impunity and even praise. I wouldn't want to hurt my image and my electability by being a contrarian.
But things are about to change. Every planter box is now a toilet and I'm going to get so fucking shitfaced down in Canberra this evening that I'm probably going to get elected with a 12% swing towards me like Barnaby will in the New England electorate because they don't give a fuck about any of this. Good on them. Now we'll finish it up with a story from down in Sydney.
The New South Wales Health Ministry has warned Mardi Gras partygoers that calling it Yaaasbestos doesn't make it any safer. Not good news for revellers down in Australia's worst open air sewer, that is Sydney. Bunch of asbestos has been discovered around the parks in the city. New South Wales Health has since warned Mardi Gras revellers not to downplay the dangerous nature of asbestos after traces of the mineral were discovered in mulch at Victoria Park, as well as close to 30 other green spaces across the entire city. However, it's the Victoria Park discovery which has shut down the Mardi Gras fair day.
Yeah, it looks like you'll be taking your N45 down with you this weekend Clancy, so yeah. Anyway, a spokesperson for New South Wales Health said that please do not under any circumstances enter Victoria Park. It's giving dangerous.
That's the end of this week's News Bulletin. End of the news wrap.
Have a great weekend. Thanks guys. I'm not here for your entertainment. |
dropout | Which_CH_Castmember_Are_You | And then it was just a totally accidental orgy. This is all very Grant of you. You're the new Grant! Ooh, who am I? You're trapped.
For sure. You're like a little techy and responsible, extroverted. With a little Jess, you know, sweet and nerdy. Aww. Oh and Lily, you're not like Jess Grant, you have like a pinch of Rekha too. Yeah, especially in the mornings. High functioning, pragmatic.
I'm a Rekha rising. Alright, who's me? Who's me? Okay, somebody's gotta be Katie. It's not me.
Tao? Come on, are you sure? Come on!
You said that you're a Rekha in the morning, maybe you're a Katie during a different part of the day. Well, I'm Raph at lunch, quiet, a little bit of a freak, Allie in the afternoon snoozing, Brennan when I get a snack, unhealthy. And then I turn back towards my grant tendencies by the time I get off. When you get off.
Ohhhh. Gotta be just a little bit of Katie, maybe 10%, okay, 5%, 5% Katie, just a little bit of me inside all of you. It doesn't have to be a lot, look, we're all at a pitch meeting right now, just like Katie. Yeah, but Katie, we actually pitched sketches and you just hand fed your dog yogurt the whole time. I'm done with sketches.
It was your turn to pitch, you said you couldn't because your teeth hurt too much, and then you asked us if we thought your teeth had feelings. Do they? Yeah, and then you got in each one of our faces and like stared us down and made us promise that we weren't mad at you. Why are you guys mad at me? It makes me mad that we keep talking about it. So no, I don't know if any of us had any Katie qualities during pitch. Come on, I'm sure we have something in common here.
Who else only likes movies starring puppets? And then hates all other movies? Humans should not be in movies.
Anybody? Raise your hand if you love the taste of hot, spicy baby corn. I'm waiting. Okay, pump your fist if your name is Tao, and you love hot, spicy baby corn. Okay, fine. Maybe Katie, you're not one of us, maybe you're someone in marketing?
Teos. Production?
Lilies. How can there already be Teos and Lilies?
You've worked here for like two seconds. We're very memorable. I mean, I think that's exactly it. It's like the longer we get to know you, the harder it is to be you. When I first started, I thought like, yeah, I'm probably a little bit Katie and then you said that thing about dolphins? They're aquatic molesters.
It's not a weird thing. Okay, I'm not you. It's actual. I'm not you. Yeah, you're not me. That's for damn sure.
If no one is a Katie, then who am I? Who the frick am I? I mean, I guess if I had to say you're someone, I'd say Bjorn.
Oh, yeah.
Total Bjorn. Who the hell is Bjorn? What do you mean who are Bjorn? Okay, they're the new Swedish exchange interns.
Actually, what he's doing right now, that's very Katie-able. Katie? That's Katie's thing, so back off. Hi, it's Katie Marovitch.
And if you're thinking, oh, Katie, this doesn't sound so bad. What? Are you a little dumb dumb? Do you think they have nice purposes? No, they have nefarious purposes. Nefarious, I tell you, like selling your data to corporations or allowing the government surveillance. Why don't you put that in your little mind holes? Are you freaked out yet? Huh? Because you should be.
That's why I use ExpressVPN. Listen, I'm a married woman. I can't have all these little freaky dekes pining after my information, searching for sweet morsels of Katie details. ExpressVPN masks my public IP address and protects my privacy.
And it's so easy. Look, you just tap the button and you're protected. So find out how you can get three months free by clicking the link in the description below.
ExpressVPN.com slash College Humor. That's ExpressVPN.com slash College Humor. Go do it. |
TheOnion | Today_Now_Porkin_Across_America_Ep_8 | Welcome back to Today Now, and a warm Today Now welcome to my permanent new co-host, Brad P. Thanks, Tracey. Every morning here with you and America is a pleasure.
But first, we have a local farmer who's had a strange visitor to his pigsty, a real-life human pig. That's right, Tracey. Now, we should warn viewers that while friendly, this human pig is extremely upsetting to look at. So if you have any children, you should probably send them out of the room for this next segment. Pigs. A trough. Mud. It looks like a normal everyday pig farm, and in many ways it is. But one resident of this dye has caused quite a stir in recent weeks.
They call him the human pig. No one knows where he came from, or why he looks the way he does. I come out one morning to count the hogs like I always do, and I noticed I had one extra, and I saw this guy over here. Goose Willow Farms owner Harry Kelsen immediately took to the grotesque human pig, who has since made himself right at home. The human pig loves to play in the mud when he's not chowing down on his favorite treats, apples. But who is he? A pig with the brain of a man, or a wretched man, lowered via circumstance and medicine gone awry to this pig state? He loves the pigs and the pigs love him. I'm not sure how much man there's left in him, but he's a good pig. Dr. Edgar Wallace of Cornell University set out to determine whether this creature was, in fact, man or pig. No one in the department had ever seen anything like it, but nature gives us strange mutations all the time, such as a butterfly with unusual coloring, a lizard with an extra row of teeth, or in this case, a man born with the organ's snout and skin of a pig. So you're sure that this human pig is not a mentally damaged lunatic pretending to be an animal? No, we took countless blood and stool samples, and this little guy's DNA is all pig. If the human pig were smart enough, he'd certainly agree with the doctor. These days, the human pig spends his time like any other pig, cooling himself in stinking mud, gnawing on bones, and aimlessly wandering until prodded towards the feed trough. When he first showed up, he tried to button line at the feed trough, but then he'd get bit by all the pigs. But like any good pig, he had to learn to, you know, be patient and wait his turn. Now he's one of the most well-behaved and submissive animals on the farm, and he's got a hell of a nose for truffles. He's already made me a couple hundred thousand dollars this year. I don't care what he is, I just treat him the same way I treat all the other pigs, and that seems to be what he likes. In the end, no matter what he is, man or swine, the human pig is truly a disturbing freak. And now we've got a special treat. We're joined by pig farmer Harry Kelsen and his amazing human pig.
Thanks for being with us, Harry. Thank you. Look at him go.
He's like a real-life babe. Well, he's not as good as Babe. Babe could talk. He...human pig can't really talk at all.
That's true. He sure is ugly, though. Yeah, but God knows, something about him looks really familiar to me. He looks like that child molester they caught in Florida last week. That must be it.
So, Harry, let me ask you, what are you gonna do with this human pig? Is it off to the slaughterhouse he goes? Well, hopefully not. We're hoping to get him to mate with some of the sows.
It's a little bit tricky, though, because he doesn't have that corkscrew pig penis. It hasn't really stopped him from trying, though, but he's really smart. He's do all kinds of tricks.
Well, usually he does it. I bet you a weirdo like that can get you a few blue ribbons, anyway, though. Well, people love him, but he doesn't really like people. The kids want to ride him around the farm, and he'd rather just stick to himself and the pigs that he trusts. They're his family now.
You know, I know he's all pig, but I can't help thinking there must be some way we could get through to him if he could only understand us. Human pig? Hey, I think he heard you. Well, there must be something in your voice. It seems like he recognizes it from somewhere. Can you hear me, human pig? Do you understand me? Well, I'll be. I've never seen him do this before. Human pig, are you in there? Isn't there anything you would like to say to the millions of viewers watching today now? Oh, darn. I thought we were getting through to him.
Pigs can't understand human language, Tracy. They're too stupid.
You're right. You're always right. Harry, thanks for being here. My pleasure.
Coming up, four people that hate rain.
That was great. Thank you. And you did great too, Mr. Pig. Yes, you did.
Listen, America is going to fall in love with your human pig, and we'd love for him to partner up with our network. He could make personal appearances. He could have his own reality show. We could make him a star.
Well, I don't know, but... No, now, now, listen. We need someone to present an American music award with Julie Bowen tonight.
We want that someone to be your human pig. Well, I think the only thing fair to do would be to ask the pig. Pig, what do you think?
Gonna be a big celebrity and have your own show, or you'd rather stay here with your family? It's truly a tempting offer, but I think he's made his choice. He seems really happy here. There's nothing more important than family.
What is the biggest rock?
I'm not telling you anything. Every goddamn asshole don't already know. |
dropout | i_need_more_intel_is_that_hot_guy_gay | At least it's not an avocado. Shut up.
I'm gonna go get something from the bar. Do you need anything? I'll take another bourbon. Extra avocado, right?
Yeah. Bro, are you reading this? Bro. Copy.
I got visual. This guy's hot as fuck.
I've got to figure out if he's gay. But do a scan to see if he has a grinder profile. No profiles found. Check for Adam for Adam and Scruff as well. Oh, also pull up his Facebook.
I don't know. Here is his Facebook though. What's his relationship status? He's single. Doesn't say if he's interested in men or women though. That means gay, right?
Not necessarily. I mean, you know, maybe he just doesn't like to give out personal information. Hmm. Paranoid.
Okay, what else?
Are his posts gay?
You know, like Disney stuff or TBT of marching band.
Maybe he made his profile picture do that rainbow flag thing. Couldn't that just mean he's like an ally? Fucking confusing allies.
All right, what do you see? I can only see his public post.
He's tagged in a picture of the Simpsons by one of his friends. I feel like that's straight.
What else?
Do we have mutual friends? Are they gay dudes? No mutual friends.
Damn it. What's the Instagram situation?
He's pretty active. Okay, that's gay. What are the pictures? Here's a picture of a nice meal. Gay. Here's a picture of him with his arm around a girl.
Fuck. Oh, here's a picture of shirtless with a bunch of other shirtless guys. No, that's a red herring. Those shirtless pictures always end up being like a tough mutter or some straight shit like that.
Send it to me though. Sending.
Hmm. What? Did you find something? No, it's just his B is so goddamn good. B? Wait. What? Enhance vector seven.
The waistband. He's wearing Andrew Christian underwear. Gay dudes love Andrew Christian. You're looking at his underwear waistband on Instagram? Hey, if he's going to post a thirst trap picture like this, I'm going to look. You can even tell it's pink. Pink underwear. He's gay for sure.
That seems a little thin. He seems a little thin.
Okay, come on. You're bourbon? Great. Hey, speaking of bourbon, would you like to get a drink with me sometime? Sure. Great. |
cracked | the_worst_advice_to_get_in_your_20_s | Hi, I'm Cracked Associate Producer Bridget Greenberg, and here I am, on the internet, where people from all over the world come together to share opinions and ideas and we messed it up, you guys, we messed it up bad. See, the internet is mostly written by millennials who don't have that much life experience, so the bright ideas we end up sharing around with each other are mostly stuff we've picked up from movies and television that we're regurgitating back out to each other in listicle form. From Thought Catalog, where the author gives advice ranging from, yeah, I guess I was probably going to get around to that anyway, to, what the shit are you talking about, to, this author's trying to get me killed. Look, if you're able to backpack around the world, by all means go, but make a plan, unless your last name is Neeson, and your dad's name is Liam, in that case, still make a plan. Things didn't go great for the daughter in that movie. You know 20-something is qualified to give another 20-something advice about being 20-something. It's pretty obvious the writers are getting advice from things they've seen in movies, specifically ones where a middle-aged lady wears a tan sweater, like Under the Tuscan Sun, or It's Complicated, or Eat Pray Love, or a TV show where the main character wears a dumb hat. And there's so many of these articles that get reposted all over the internet, so it might be time for me to break down some of the more problematic pieces of advice. Like this one, from Elite Daily.
Struggle. If you made the decision to struggle, you're probably not doing it. You're just using the term struggling correctly, like in the IMDB synopsis of Bridget Jones' diary. Much like they do with the spelling of the name Bridget, two T's, by the way. They use the word struggling correctly. Age, weight, and lack of a man isn't a struggle. It's a problem Hollywood's making up, like zombies, or more entourage reunions. Sure, you should work hard for something, try a thing you might fail at, go to work hungover, I'm doing it now.
Just don't call it a struggle, because while it may be difficult for you to sleep in the apartment you may or may not fully pay for because of a homeless person yelling outside, you are not struggling. The screaming homeless person is, you're just complaining.
Travel's another piece of advice that gets thrown around all the time. Look, I'm sure traveling's great, there's nothing wrong with traveling, though telling people to travel makes you the worst. The response I have to someone telling me I should travel is the exact same response I would have to someone telling me I should become Catwoman.
Sounds great, and I would love to, and I've given it a lot of thought. Maybe I could. I don't have the time or resources right now. Also, I have other shit to do, you know, for the adult life I'm trying to start.
You know who gets to travel? Women in movies like Under the Tuscan Sun or Eat, Pray, Love. These are accomplished women, a solid career they've had for a while, and divorce settlements coming their way. Not a 20-something with student loans and a comparative lit degree. Maybe one day I'll be a retired divorcee drinking wine in the Italian countryside, but for now it's Tinder dates and beer in a can because your 20s are a fun and magical time.
And since I brought up student loans, let's bring it back to the Thought Catalog article. Because it is dangerously stupid. Thought Catalog gives us this irresponsible nugget of wisdom. Give your credit card a workout. For the love of God, do not do that. The author here clearly doesn't know what credit is, probably because the card isn't really theirs. This shouldn't need to be said, but now I'm actually terrified it does. Credit follows you. It's like the permanent record teachers use to scare you with in grade school. But unlike setting your class pet-free, credit isn't a fun and hilarious joke. It comes back to bite you. Like a scared, loose hamster, that was a bad analogy.
This advice is so bad it could only come from the mecca of privileged white lady hijinks. Sex in the city. We've all heard the criticisms of this show, so there's no need to rehash the fact that there's no way these women have jobs if they're getting drunk every weekday afternoon. We all know this show's ridiculous, I mean, the only way any of this could possibly make sense is if Carrie and the gang just lived outside the law and stole everything they encountered and used the high-powered men in their lives as a cover to help them blend in. Oh my god. The sex in the city characters are Catwoman.
I'm so sorry. I have to go rethink everything. Can someone look up the next flight to Tuscany?
Hey guys, thanks so much for watching that video. You can click like if you liked me personally or subscribe to the channel if you like the other people on the channel better than me to see their videos or leave a comment and tell me why my face is weird or whatever you were going to say anyway. Just do it. They're paying me. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_20_03_20_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Weekly News Bulletin and what a fucking weird time to be alive. This week you're joined by myself Clancy Overhill editor of the Batutah Advocate, Errol Parker editor at large, he's not with us today, he's in self-quarantine after he hooked up with a young Irish backpacker who had arrived in Australia via Hong Kong.
That was about a week ago, she actually worked pretty hard to get onto him because he gave her a fake name and fake number but it is a small town and she thought it was her duty even though he ghosted her to get in contact and tell him that she thinks she might have the dreaded COVID. Errol's been tested, no result just yet, our health system is being pinched as I'm sure you're all aware. He's currently at home, working from home, we'll try and hook up Zoom or Skype to get him in in the podcast going forward but other than that, Wendell Hussey you're alive and well, how are you mate? Doing a whole lot better than Errol as you just mentioned so I'm very thankful for that, not one of his smartest decisions was it? Yeah I know, you know, he's a man, he's been single for a while, you can understand how he made you know such an error, a few schooners into him we kind of forgot about. Everything Dr Norman Swan's been telling us, bit of an open mouth patch in the front bar of the Lord Kidman Hotel and he's regretting it now.
Obviously a coronavirus heavy news week, what's up first in the bulletin Wendell? Our biggest story and our biggest coronavirus story and that one was Gold Coast hospital staff roll in a Wilson volleyball to keep Tom Hanks company in quarantine. Oh it was a no brainer really, after the Hollywood star was diagnosed with the virus he must have contracted either in transit to Australia or on the Gold Coast, we don't know and that's a concern but he was put into quarantine by the Gold Coast hospital and while he was in there he was rather distressed, his wife Rita Wilson was in another room so to console him they rolled in another Wilson, Wilson volleyball to be precise. That was a real, I guess you could say reunion for the two of them because you know he's handled self isolation well in the past of course on the desert island or stuck in the terminal so it was great for him to reconnect with Wilson the volleyball. Yeah it's certainly been a long time since castaway so it was a lovely touch from the understaffed and under the pump nursing department there at the Gold Coast hospital. But yes it ended up getting picked up by the Washington Post and shared right around the world one of our biggest stories the last couple of years.
Went everywhere, moving on to another corona case and this story also went gangbusters with nearly 50,000 likes on social media and that was Greek Easter at Yaya's postponed indefinitely after ban on gatherings of over 500 people. You know the ban on outdoor gatherings of over 500 people which was announced late last week it means Greek Easter, Orthodox Easter if you will is in grave danger this year it's been postponed indefinitely and that led to a locally Yaya accusing her grandchildren of not loving her no more as they try and convince her to reconsider. Now this actually happened in the Tudors flight path district earlier this week but I imagine it's happening right around the country in many different flight path districts as these Hellenic matriarchs are left heartbroken knowing that they'll have to wait until next year or perhaps you know Christmas time see their loved ones all in the same place. And understandably very frustrated because as it's only four weeks away they've already all started cooking as well so very difficult circumstances.
Moving on to some other news affecting older Australians now and nation's boomers unsure which of their homes they should work from. Lots of misinformation going around out there one post-war couple from Batuta Grove invested quite well in the 1980s and they're now struggling with the decision as to where they should be working from home in self isolation as they take into account the government's new social distancing measures. This particular couple are not sure whether they should go to the actual listed residence in Batuta Grove or to one of the places that they picked up at Batuta Heights in the early 90s or to their little holiday down at Lake Batuta.
You can understand the confusion at this uncertain time can't you Wendell? You certainly can Clancy and there are a lot of comments on that story from people who are pretty frustrated saying this was not one of the big issues going around and there was also a comment from Mark Lambert who said just what we need at this time even more division in our struggling society usually loved the Batuta advocate but nah not on. So very frustrated about that story. There you go.
On to some panic buying news now and report apricot delights by far the most underrated nonperishable. Yes undeniable research confirmed by pretty much everyone in Australia has found that apricot delights they stand alone both in the perishable and nonperishable categories as one of the greater sweets on offer. They're also classed as a health food technically don't know how that works maybe because they're a bit harder to find than the normal desserts and goodies usually between the shelled pistachios and the muesli bars you'll find the apricot delights they are joined by dried prunes and licorice as the most underrated treats that can sit in room temperature indefinitely. Yeah interesting I don't know if their apricot delights will be underrated for much longer because there are a lot of comments saying that people were now going in and panic buying them as well.
Follow the herd follow the herd that's the easiest way through this thing.
Moving on to sports news now and Manly fans brave coronavirus to spend afternoon on the asbestos hill at Brookvale. Yes I mean after a long weekend of some questionable decisions we probably didn't need to have those round one sold-out stadiums over the weekend. Bankwest stadium in Parramatta sold out Bulldogs in Parramatta eels. Townsville it's a new stadium in Queensland country bank stadium in Townsville hosted the Queensland Derby between the Broncos and Cowboys absolutely sold out as well as Scotty from marketing's mates held their Hillsong color conference with thousands of people hugging and clapping not a good idea but you know Scotty had faith that God would save us save his flock from the dreaded COVID however a smaller rugby league event over the weekend was a home match for Manly against the storm at Brookvale oval where fans braved the grave warnings surrounding coronavirus to spend the afternoon sitting on the asbestos hill. Yeah and that story went big of course because there was footage of the ball boys down there Brookvale washing the ball in detergent trying to make sure it was as clean as it could be after it went into the crowd because understandably rugby league fans are not the most hygienic really are they? Unwashed masses and of course there is a deficit of live sport in this country at this very moment most sporting codes around the world have been actually banned postponed cancelled except for the AFL they're going ahead this weekend I believe spectator free the rugby league have announced that they will go broke if they don't go ahead so a lot of options are being explored there's the idea of moving them all 16 teams to a resort in North Queensland and playing the entire season up there in complete quarantine who knows what we do know is if you are looking for sport or sport content you can get it all on KO. KO are providing what remaining football matches we do have this season they will be live on KO you can watch mini matches you can stream it live they're providing a real morale boost to the country I think with some live sport there I know I'll be watching the 2005 grand final of the Cowboys and the Tigers with that iconic Benji Marshall flick pass to warm me up for some live Super Saturday action gets me going on that particular pass and Newcastle Knights 97 of course they have all the classic matches and any ESPN documentaries 30 from 30 I believe if you're interested in following the careers of famous college basketballs in the 1980s get on that and it's worth noting I don't think they go back far enough for when the eels were good that's the only thing eels fans sorry about that Stiller anyway that's enough from us this week thank you for tuning in stay safe stay clean wash your hands god bless I'm Clancy overall thank you for listening and I'm I'm Wendell Hussey until next week, hopefully. |
cracked | the_dark_side_of_celebrity_charity_cracked_explains | William Shatner's kidney stone funded habitat for humanity, Holyfield v. Romney helped cure blindness, and celebrity acts of generosity are always fueled out of pure compassion for their common man. Hi, I'm Greg. An online casino facilitated the charitable sale of the space man's calcium deposit. An exhibition boxing match between the guy of the car elevator and the guy whose ear got eaten raised cash for eye surgeries.
And unfortunately, celebrities who lend their fame, attention, and money to noble causes don't always save the children who aren't linked to their joint checking accounts. When the stars of Stage, Screen, and Snapchat have had the good fortune to avoid bankruptcy by eschewing investments in Siberian tigers, shrunken heads, protein powder, wigs, and entire cities in Georgia, they've been able to focus their attention and wealth on matters near and dear to their heart. For decades, Jerry Lewis ran an annual telethon to help cure muscular dystrophy, and hopefully make everybody forget that he believed that Lucille Ball was less of a comedian and more of a baby producing machine. Mega events like Band-Aid ushered in a global wave of charitainment, enlisting the likes of Phil Collins to help the public, at the very least, identify Ethiopia on a map. And at the individual level, everyone from A-listers like Oprah Winfrey to slightly lower on the listers like John Gosselin have donated millions upon millions of dollars, or Mr. Gosselin's case to their TGI Friday's paychecks, to all sorts of charitable causes. Throughout his life, even Rush Limbaugh was an incredibly generous man, once ranking at number four on Forbes' most generous celebrities list. And that's before bequeathing to the public his ultimate gift. Everyone from Pierce Brosnan to Kirstie Alley to Joaquin Phoenix wants to save the whales, get Joseph Coney, and raise awareness about artificial insemination for cows. But while causes such as these are often noble, and I am totally in favor of whatever reduces the flavor of sperm in my shake stack, one Hollywood PR agent has pointed out that celebrities, sponsors, and a cause are the golden troika of branding. According to a professor at Indiana University's Center on Philanthropy, setting up a charitable organization can serve as a vehicle for promoting the celebrity's image. And in an era in which your brand image is practically an NFT, being the face of a good cause is a great way to make good cash. In March of 2020, right around the time my tickets to the Riverdance 25th anniversary show got canceled for some reason, Kim Kardashian West announced that, out of the goodness of her trademark heart, her line of skims shapewear was, committed to donating one million dollars to families affected by COVID-19, through the re-release of their initial 2019 collection, which originally made more than two million dollars in just a couple of minutes upon its initial release. So even though she'd go on to break travel protocols for a luxury birthday party, and attend nightclubs mask lists during the height of the pandemic, at least her brand had been generous enough to lend affected families the cash value of 60 seconds worth of her valuable time. Please help save the data. But even in instances in which a celebrity purports to be committed to a specific cause, it's not clear that the cause is going to beat out the cash. Scarlett Johansson, the A-list actor who aspires to portray French Stewart, Douglas Fur, and Spuds McKenzie on screen, maybe even in the same film, has also played two major roles on the world stage.
In 2007, she became Global Ambassador of Oxfam, an international humanitarian organization. And in 2014, she became Global Brand Ambassador of SodaStream, a last resort white elephant gift manufacturer. But a conflict quickly bubbled to the surface. Oxfam opposed Israeli settlements in the West Bank, from which SodaStream was operating. And when push came to shove, between her roles as a human rights ambassador and a carbonated water ambassador, she relinquished her commitment to solving world hunger and famine in favor of a corporate sponsorship committed to settling the more pressing decades old conflict between still and sparkling.
Like most actors, my real job is saving the world. According to a public poll conducted by an investigative documentary series in the UK, 80% of people believe that celebrities should not be given money for appearing in a charity event or acting as an ambassador. But that doesn't mean celebrities don't make bank. In the words of a former Red Cross artist liaison officer, they need to make a living.
And with your support, you alone can help Caitlyn Jenner restore her driving record. She's the example here because that same UK show paid a talent agency nearly 20,000 pounds to get Jenner to appear in a photo shoot for a fake charity to demonstrate the practice of paying celebrities for public support. You might remember Bristol Palin, the eldest daughter of Alaska's most unusual export, who got pregnant at 17, around the same time that her mother was accepting compliments on her hustler porn parody from a guy impersonating the president of France. You keep using that language, Mister, and you're gonna have to get a cortex for your man, Jaina. Urging horny teens to close the laptop so they never have to drag the cursor to edit undo, Bristol became the spokesperson for Candies Foundation, a teen pregnancy nonprofit committed to the sweet treat of abstinence-only education.
What if I didn't come from a famous family? What if I didn't have all their support? What if I didn't have all these opportunities?
She wouldn't have made six figures as a spokesperson, raking in a reported $262,000 for her support for a lousy prom. Why does it matter what she got paid? That's seven times more than the 35 grand Candies invested in actual teen pregnancy prevention programs at the time. But, as noted by their parent company's CEO, if a few teens take action because of this news story, it's worth it.
I don't want to talk about those filthy, fornicating, disgusting, godless heathens. What if I didn't have all these opportunities?
Rolling Stone has pointed out that some of the most effective philanthropic efforts of celebrities have come from teaming up with established, credible nonprofits. That's because, in spite of Madonna's actuarial acumen, running a charity is hard. When ESPN's Outside the Lines investigated 115 charities founded by high-profile athletes, they concluded that so many of them were ineffective, deceptive, unethical, negligent, or ignorant that they may as well have been the professional sporting leagues themselves. In 2009, the NFL's Randy Moss received positive publicity for creating and funding two children's charities.
But the following year, no money was spent by either charity. And by 2011, neither charity had any money left.
One had been shut down, and when they tried to track down the other one, the phone number went to some woman in Canada who said she'd never heard of Randy Moss over dogs barking in the background. And even when they're flush with funds, that doesn't mean the funds aren't being flushed on the toilet. In the wake of a devastating 2009 earthquake in Haiti, Wyclef Jean's Yelle Charity brought in $16 million, only to get shut down after investigations found that more than $9 million of the cash reportedly went to meals, warehouse space, cash for his relatives, a $100,000 payment to his mistress, and a $30,000 private jet to fly Lindsay Lohan from New Jersey to Chicago. A guy who ran an orphanage on the island even stated that if they had depended on Yelle, these kids would all be dead by now. But in fairness to Ms. Lohan, is that a worse fate than flying Spirit into O'Hare?
Unicef has uniquely noticed that celebrities attract attention and can use that attention to affect change. But as research from the International Journal of Cultural Studies has pointed out, celebrity activism often does more for the celebrity than the cause they're trying to support. They're raising awareness of your awareness that they're raising awareness. And according to a different report published in Third World Quarterly, which is printed on very cheap paper, an analysis of 91 celebrity-endorsed charities in China found that celebrity endorsements have very little impact on press coverage of charities. Now, I'm certainly not arguing that these influential figures should not use their platforms to raise awareness or funds for important causes. The likes of Colin Kaepernick, Simone Biles, Elton John, Michael J. Fox, and Bono are doing far, far more important work than Cracked's Craigslist cousin, Greg. All I'm saying is that before you donate your cash for your chance to snag a private concert with Mumford and Sons, consider directly supporting your cause of choice before investing your hard-earned money in what you'd really be going towards a good pair of earplugs.
When the editorial said that you were going to a political prison, they were speaking metaphorically. Oh, the dirty talk. Metaphorically isn't dirty. Nevermind. |
SaturdayNightLive | subway_platform_snl | Mr. Douglas Yes, my name is Darius Cole. I applied for the commodities broker position at your firm. Ah, well, we haven't made a decision yet. but as soon as we do, we'll notify all the applicants by mail.
I'm not sure I follow. You don't have an address? No, sir.
Past couple months. I've been living out of my car. Sorry to hear that. Yeah, but you know, it was either pay the rent or pay for business school.
That's admirable. Mr. Cole. I'll keep that in mind. Good day, sir. I know I don't look the part cheap suit second-hand shoes. I know you've got a reputation protect. But sir, I can do this job. I promise you. do you have your resume? It's impressive all things considered. But I run an investment bank.
Mr. Cole, not a charity good cuz I'm not looking for a handout. Somebody gave you a chance once, right?
Lee Feldman? hell of a broker son of a bitch. He taught me everything I know.
I guess I'm just looking for my Leaf Element 50. Harvard Mba is out for that shot. I know I'm gonna work harder than every single one of them.
I'm sorry, Mr. Cole. I I can't hire someone who lives out of their car, one of our corporate apartments until you find a place to stay.
So I got the job. See you on Monday 8 a.m. I'll be there at 7. Oh and sir, |
cracked | why_romantic_comedies_are_secretly_bad_for_you_after_hours | Don't think we need to count points to know who won. I think we should.
Congratulations on being a middle-aged woman. Thank you. Would anyone else like some chamomile? New category.
Chick-flicks are bullshit. People get their panties in a twist over sex and violence in movies all the time, but the real threat is love. Rom-coms are worse for us than faces of death. They're worse than even the most violent torture porn. No, they're not.
Ooh! Side-by-side comparison with torture porn, just to be sure. Anyone have this player?
First of all, they're all gorgeous, right? And they work these totally kick-ass jobs as like event planners where they own their own bakery or they're on TV and they're totally loving life until one of their friends says, No, your happiness isn't real. It's all meaningless until you find love. Yeah, because love is the whole point. Not just of the movies, but of everything. And of course they're beautiful. Movies are about wish-fulfilming.
Who wants to watch a bunch of ugly people with crappy jobs torture each other? I'm hoping all of us. I'm with Katie on this one.
That is not a healthy love in those movies. There's nothing mutual about it. Those women aren't in control of anything. Because love is about giving up control and giving in to something crazy and reckless like kissing in the rain without a jacket or my fair lady and a hooker.
The men do all of the work in those movies. They pay the compliments. They give the gifts. They do the broad sweeping romantic gestures. The women's job is just to absorb it all. In those romantic comedies, love is something that men do.
It's something that women just fall into. They're completely passive and they're powerless to control their fate. Right. Every woman in a rom-com is a clumsy ship-a-drift who has no idea what she wants and is just sort of hoping that she'll fall into someone great. Romantic comedies have taught us that if a woman is looking for love, then she's either desperate or hopeless. And if she's blindsided by love when she least expects it, then that's how we know it's real. Which is totally the reverse of how things work in real life.
And to that, I say, 27 dresses leap year at my best friend's wedding.
In those movies, the woman chases the man around, sometimes all around the world, to pin him down. And the stuff you're talking about, that happens in every other genre of movie. Horror, action, thriller, they've all got romantic subplots too, and they're a hell of a lot more unhealthy than rom-coms.
Do you really think, after watching a bunch of people die, that Sandra Bullock is in the right frame of mind to decide she's in love with Keanu Reeves? The lake house was an action movie? Speed, please keep up, or we'll all explode. Wait a second, she watches someone die by bus in the lake house too, that's weird, we should dive into that.
No! We are not redirecting this conversation, or we are, but to me, the one that I want to say.
In the beginning of Speed, they're strangers, and then by the end, Sandra Bullock is ready to dress the protagonist's wounds and fall happily ever after in love with him. In romantic comedies, at least they're equals, they're both bright, capable people, they're trading witty barbs and it's fun and you love it, and they spend the whole movie proving that they're on equal footing. Rom-coms are fun because they show you what goes into real love, see anything from say anything. Oh god, fart noise and disbelief. Rom-coms barely scratch the surface of real love. I mean, they never even touch on the dark, weird stuff you gotta do to keep a relationship going.
Michael, no one in the world owns a laserdisc player.
I scratch that all up anyway. I'm saying romantic comedies just focus on the very first part of the relationship. All the hard work's up front and then everything's smooth sailing.
Dating's a nightmare, finding someone normal is exhausting, and then there's the comical web of lies. Oh, you're only dating a girl so you can win a bet when she becomes prom queen. Ooh, he's in a coma and you're pretending to be his fiance but you're secretly in love with his brother. Lying about who you are so you can trick emotionally fragile women into sleeping with you.
Oh, well that sounds really grim. Yeah, it is. But the finish line in every case is just getting the two people to finally say, I love you, or let's get married, or let's get big fat Greek married. Not in love, actually, actually, that movie is about how some relationships are really hard. Yeah, but then they drown it out with all the other stuff so they can get a happy ending vibe. You got a guy telling his best friend's wife that he loves her using poster board cue cards. A man gathers up an entire village to go propose to his housekeeper, a woman he's never even really spoken to before because she doesn't speak English. She learned from him though. That is not actually love. In real life, falling in love's the easy part. People do it by accident all the time with terrible people. It's working on the relationship, that's the hard part.
Yeah, but movies about married couples that argue and try to work it out, that's a totally separate genre. That relationship dynamic has no place in a romantic comedy. And yet they're in almost every single one. They're the relationships that fall apart in the first 20 minutes of the film so that the protagonists can move on. They're the marriages that collapse before Act 2. The relationship that goes up in flames at the beginning is often the truest in the whole movie.
They've got problems and stuff to work through. But the moral is abandon those when they're hard. Find someone who will stalk you to the airport and outrun security instead because that always works out. Come on, no one's really taking those to heart. If they weren't, people would be getting divorced left and right. We love origin stories, but we hate being reminded of the work that comes afterwards. I mean, if love is eternal and conquers all, then why would we settle for an imperfect one?
Michael, I think that's the most cogent thing you've ever said. Yep, I'm a wise drunk. Although, to be fair, I got a lot of that from a placemat and some of it's from this restraining order a chick has out on me. No, I let that lapse.
Oh, Valentine's Day. You know what would be good? It's a romantic comedy that shows a couple that's really trying to work at it and one of them leaves or one of them dies. I hadn't really thought it through.
King Kong? Yeah, I think you just described King Kong.
Is today Valentine's Day? Oh, f***! I gotta go!
Hey everybody, thank you for supporting Cracked. If you'd like to subscribe to our channel, please do so now. I don't actually know. One of these directions is the subscribe button. In honor of the year ending, I'd like to give you all a gift, because it's the giving season. I am flexing every muscle in my body! You're welcome. |
dropout | spiderman_s_weakness | Not as fast as you, though, with your web. Yeah, uh, see, my web, it really only works in, like, close proximity. Well, yeah, just, you know, swish, swish through the trees to catch up. Yeah, I don't really do the swish, swish...
I mean, it gets all caught up in the branches and stuff. It's a mess.
Tall buildings are really more my style. Are you kidding me?
I had a hundred bucks in my social security card in that wallet. Don't get mad at me! Why are you carrying your social security card around in the first place? You know, that should really be in, like, a safe or, like, a plastic bin under your bed.
Nice. I'll get my wallet stolen and a lecture from Spider-Man. What a day. Ugh, fine. You want me to use my web in the trees? Watch.
Ugh! Come on! Ugh!
Oh, wow! Hey, look at that! I caught the guy!
Oh, is that my Spidey sense? Oh, wait, no. I slipped a disc in my back. Thanks. Then use the buildings around the park and catch him on the other side. Oh, all right. Let me ask you this, smart guy.
Which side of the park is he coming out of? I'm not a psychic, you know. Plus, you're assuming that he'll leave the park. Some people live in there. Oh, so criminals just have to run into the park to evade you. It's a really small percentage, all right?
Well, what do you do when there's a crime outside the city? Uh, crime in New York City keeps me pretty busy.
What are you- What?
It's the lowest it's ever been!
Yeah, you're welcome.
Ugh. I'm gonna go. Ugh. You know, I would hate to leave it like this.
I feel like you're mad at me. Are you mad at me?
Goodbye. Now, hold on.
Can I at least buy you coffee or something? Ugh. I guess I could use a cab ride home. Oh, uh, geez. You know, I don't actually have any money on me.
You just offered me coffee. Yeah, well, I get a free one with my punch card. I was just gonna give this to you. It's yours if you want it. You just- You gotta buy three more coffees.
Ugh, yeah. Okay, buddy. I'll see you later. You're not mad, right? Ugh.
He'll be fine. He'll eat me. Get right back on his feet.
Ordering a new Social Security card is pretty easy. I'm pretty sure you can do it online, which is neat.
So, uh, you in any danger? Well, no. But the man that lives above me stomps around at 5 a.m. every fucking morning. Oh, I can handle that. What's your address?
I live in Yonkers. Yonkers? Yes, north of the city.
Your landlord should be able to help you with that. Take it easy. |
TheOnion | Russell_Crowe_Praised_For_Stunning_Portrayal_Of_Man_Who_Cannot_Sing_Or_Act_In_Les_Mis | But first, in entertainment news, Les Mis hit theaters over the holidays and critics are buzzing about Russell Crowe's stunningly realistic portrayal of a man who has no singing or acting talent whatsoever. The Australian star spoke to Entertainment Weekly about his go-for-broke interpretation of the cruel prison guard Javert. Quote, I saw him as a man who is completely devoted to the law and has never had formal voice training or performance experience. And the bold choice has certainly paid off with fans of the cherished musical. Oh, well, in the Broadway version, Javert is this, like, amazing singer and an awesome actor, but that doesn't make any sense, you know, so I loved this. Oh man, like, Russell Crowe totally disappeared into that role. Highly recognized him without all that off-key singing.
Absolutely. He is terrible. Is this right? Russell Crowe reportedly lost a significant amount of talent to play this role? But that's not all. Sources say he never broke character on set, behaving like a hack singer and actor even between takes. The cast and crew treated him the entire time as if he really was uninteresting to watch and painful to listen to. I couldn't stand it. Me neither. Director Tom Hooper, he was very innovative with the way he recorded Mr. Crowe's horrid singing live on set. Is that right? Yes, it really gives the audience the feeling of being right there with the character as he fails to entertain. Yeah, it's excruciating.
Amazing film. |
dropout | the_grossest_words_ever | Hi, I'm Emily and I'm Dan and the following is a dramatic scene using all of the grossest words in the English language See if you can make it through this meal is so moist it's like a Succulent fudgy ooze all these mucus II moist veggies and crud I wonder whose brainchild this moist meal was it's giving me goose pimples in my panties Oh your moist panties or goose pimply.
Yeah, this meal is that damn It's like a bulbous pulp caught in my jowls.
It's the lumpy log of moist meat It's like a viscous bulging fungal love Excuse me waiter with the yummy pupils I'd like to swap this fudgy ooze phlegm and slurp this moist meal from a wedge in your slacks Ma'am, we don't usually bloviate about the moistness But what I'd suggest is tweak your plump grundle squat and then slurp the chunky yolk out of a honking crevice in your navel I Chordled because my navel crevice is my favorite orifice my navel and my pussy nostrils very well Honestly, I'd make a dank hoagie out of these fleshy morsels and gurgle gargle and suckle them out of your blouse slit like a festering Gluten sleuth I would milk a nugget of this oyster gloop from your bloated Skrotum stump and smear it all over a pickled doily if this moist meal was a creamy ointment I'd make you butt chug it till you had Bunyan scabs on your bladder and pubis so putrid so Wormy that you'd have to slither like a greasy yogurt toad to the webinar.
Oh, don't ever say that word what word webinar If you like that click me to subscribe |
dropout | you_deserve_a_nobel_prize_ch_shorts | Your Majesties, your Royal Highness's esteemed Nobel laureates, thank you all for joining us. We are here to honor those who made great strides in the fields of science, literature, and peace. Also those who kind of meant well and did something a little out of their way.
First up, Cassidy. Cassidy did that thing where she took leftovers from the restaurant she ate at and put them on a park bench so a homeless person might find them and want them. Generous, conscientious, tender, safe from Cassidy.
Yeah, I guess I was just pretty full from the restaurant and I was like, I don't want this anymore but maybe somebody else would want it. And just think, a homeless person maybe found that strange food and thought to themselves, I don't know how long this has been here but I know that I am thankful for it.
Enlightenment, humanism, peaceful coexistence, most of our laureates tonight have dedicated their lives to these principles.
Also there's Dave. Dave said yes to donating an extra dollar to the March of Dimes at the grocery store checkout. Let's hear from him.
Yeah, I was buying a bunch of vodka and condoms in the middle of the night and the lady was like, you want to donate a dollar? And I was like, fuck it. After paying for condoms, nonetheless, tonight we honor the scientist who created a groundbreaking cure for cervical cancer.
But first, these three brave social soldiers. First up, Doug, who made his Facebook profile do that rainbow flag thing. I saw all of my friends did it and I was like, that's kind of cool.
Stephanie told her friends to let her know if they needed any help moving. The most important thing was that I knew they wouldn't actually ask me. And Mickey, who doesn't necessarily get involved in person but does regularly repost change dot org petitions.
And prayers. Finally there's Frank, who developed that cure for cervical cancer. And perhaps more importantly, he wore a pussy hat to the St. Louis Women's March. It's Frank.
Wow, thank you all so much. A little bit of housekeeping. I actually sadly wasn't able to make it to the Women's March this year. But I, no, I was in the lab making it.
Go, go, fucking go. It's like he doesn't even care.
Hey, it's Grant from College Humor. Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
Sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out? Because I can see the top of the camera, so it's... Is this better? Alright, it feels worse. Okay, thanks for watching.
Stephanie told her friends to let her know if they needed any help moving. The most important thing was that I knew they wouldn't actually ask me. And Mickey, who doesn't necessarily get involved in person but does regularly repost change dot org petitions. Thoughts and prayers.
Finally there's Frank, who developed that cure for cervical cancer. And perhaps more importantly, he wore a pussy hat to the St. Louis Women's March. It's Frank.
Wow, thank you all so much. A little bit of housekeeping. I actually sadly wasn't able to make it to the Women's March this year. But I, no, I was in the lab making it.
Go, go, fucking go. It's like he doesn't even care.
Hey, it's Grant from College Humor. Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
Sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out? Because I can see the top of the camera, so it's... Is this better? Alright, it feels worse. Okay, thanks for watching. |
SaturdayNightLive | house_of_the_dragon_snl | Anyone out here watching this new show, House of Dragons? I am the biggest Game of Thrones fan. I love their new show. And I got to tell you, I love that they're including black characters, but to be honest, the black characters, they take me out of it a little bit with the step-bond hair and the old-time accents. it's a little jarring, like, where are these people from? you know what I mean? And then they're coming out with season two, I guess, soon. And somehow, Laura Michaels arranged a sneak of season two of House of Dragons. it's exclusive, so check it out. before we go to war with King's Landing, we must know who our true allies are. these represent all of our possible alliances, your grace.
Thank you, Damon.
And I prepare this family tree so we know who the hell everyone is. yes, because our names are insane and sound identical. I've also prepared a chart of who's having sex with whom. And weirdly enough, it's the same as the family tree.
Where have you come from? The Matrix.
Just kidding. you must have been at sea a long time then. Oh, of course. this is where my people are most comfortable, the Ocean. Yeah, we especially love being on ships. never have any concerns with ships or what might happen to us on ships. have you come alone?
Oh, no, no, I brought my granddaughters, Bala and Raina. greetings, your grace. So happy to have traveled 40 days by a ship in this ball gown, your Grace. it's wonderful to see you since you are betrothed to my nephew slash stepson's Jason Luke.
Yes, I look at my future husband and I think he is definitely going to satisfy me sexually.
And to what do we owe the honor of your visit, Lord of Corliss? Yeah, well, you know, I know that you in need of allies now that your father has died. Tide. Oh my God, man, what is happening with your face? the doctor says it's nothing. just a little cough and my skin melted and my eye felt. Well, I found you some new allies from even further away lands that have come to pay their respects to the true Queen. Well, well, well, good to see you, your grace.
Cousin Dale, I haven't seen you in a long time. how does it feel to have sex with your niece? This whole family looks like. the son took a look and said, no, thank you. your majesty, looks like you got a case of the monkey pox. pity Nation. Yeah. well, if it isn't our cousin, like skinned Larry Targaryen. Sookie, your hoes is so old they titties give powdered milk. you look like E.t. when they dressed them up for Halloween.
Hey, hey. Oh, that was hateful, man. your dairy girl is getting a little drag. that's the dragon spray. more visitors approach. Your grace. but I think the pink just fell off. you don't want any more, can I keep it? might be able to get some money for that. who is this foul man? I came here for some dragon rocks. I'm glad you're my last one. what the hell is going on here? You matter of fact, I'm going to get a light. for cars. be gone, all of you. Oh, no, there's more. I'm one of the baddest motherf***ers ever seen. one of the best singers, one of the best dancers, too. Megan the Targaryen, bitch. ride up trackings. I heard you like to ride business. want to ride mine, your freaking match seat. take me to Flea Bottom so I can check on my hoes. what up, Todd? I got a dragon man. F***, yo, dang it. f***, yo, dang it. Good God, it's the police. what did they do the whole way up here? no matter how high I fly, they always find you, don't they? |
dropout | hardly_working_rap_battle | Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo You can't hack this, you're the wackness It's Mo Rockover's act, Galifianakis That's right, leave your head spinning like a dreidel Knock your socks off and the locks off your bagel That's right, see I'm winning Your face looks like mayonnaise that's grinning You're lucky you're wearing stripes that thinning This ain't the end, it's the beginning Don't eat so much Yeah, you just got burned, I think That's how it... Yes, scorched You can't just have someone else do your freestyle for you As long as he works for us, right? And UTK was an intern I hired this morning He just also happens to be part of this like Rap and Prop group called Freestyle Love Supreme But I didn't know that when I hired him Oh, okay, yeah, you found that out later Okay, well maybe two of my interns can come Battle you No, I mean, yeah, I guess as long as they... Hey, what's up, Doug? I told you not to bring friends here That was like the one thing we remember This is Lin, Shockwave, my interns Hey, aren't you that guy from that like Board winning Broadway musical tonight? Yeah, well we have four Tonys, but yeah Such a huge, huge fan And when it comes to intimacy, there's plenty of fish in the sea But listen to me, I know about a little deficiency Streeter told me about your undescended testicle The incident at the Renaissance Festival The time that gorgeous women have almost slept with you And fell the fuck back as a nut sack as asymmetric So I'm sorry I roasted you, I'm doing what I'm supposed to do I didn't mean to make a Patrick Swayze ghost to you Years from now when you're dying to disgrace Remember Streeter, lyrically skeeted in your face You punk bitch Yes! Great job That light on the printer isn't working again I don't know how, could you maybe just check it out? Yeah, I'm sorry about that Thanks guys, good work really And then go to lunch Best interns ever Guys, guys, listen, please fix the printer Don't just rap about it, okay? It's been four hours Listen, Chuck, I didn't mean to yell, okay? You're not even working on the printer Anyway, just, do you want the college credit or not? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes Thank you Now he's mad, fool I'm trying to get up, I'm trying to get to grad school What are you doing? |
dropout | bleep_bloop_starbase | Welcome to Bleep Loop. I'm Jeff Rubin here with Pat Castles. Today we are continuing our work with Stride to save the arcade so we have come all the way to outer space. No, we're not in space. We are in San Rafael, California at Starbase Arcade with the owner Bob, who I don't think is an alien, correct?
That's correct. Good enough for me.
But if you were an alien, would you tell us? Uh, no. A conundrum. Something to be solved by playing video games. Dan Stan's revolution kind of known for bringing new customers into the arcade and new type of clientele. Did you find that when you got this machine? I definitely did. We had new people.
Do you play yourself? I do play. What is the appeal of these types of games? I think that there's a couple of appeals that makes this game different. For one thing, you can get an audience. You can show off. So if you get good at the game, you can grandstand.
Like we are now. Like we are now, yeah.
Also, honestly, as a guy, it attracts women. Totally. Jeff is playing Area 51, one of the classic light gun arcade games. And Jeff, you're apparently using two guns. That's correct, Dan. Which is weird because I put half the quarters in. I know. And thank you, because the great thing is it's actually more than twice as fun with two guns. So I appreciate that. Racing games are really an arcade staple.
I mean, to this day, it's hard to have a set of this ornate in your home. Like the steering wheel is a $500 steering wheel. Nothing like that's available in your home.
Do you just hang out here at night and just master every game? Sometimes. Not every night. Right now, I feel like Chim Chim from Speed Racer.
What makes the dance pad so good? This stage weighs 450 pounds in bulletproof. It's made for seven foot tall guys that stomp as hard as they can.
I've only heard of one. It probably costs you about two weeks of coming here and playing this game just to replicate this stage at home. What's a general strategy for all fighting games? Oh, hit them first, get them fast, keep hitting them so fast they don't even have time to do anything back to you. They seem to be employing that strategy on me right now. We've been to other arcades where they tend to have more older games. Uh huh. Why do you like having the newer games? Um, well it keeps the newer customers coming in and getting older. I think that's just a strategy. Oh, oh, oh. Keep this. Go on, go on. Now Jeff and I are going to team up for another classic light gun game, Lethal Enforcers.
I've loaded the machine up with quarters, and now, oh damn it, Jeff! I hate to put you on the spot, but I notice you're listing academic subjects that get you free games, and they include reading, writing, spelling, and grammar, G-R-A-M-M-E-R. Sorry, this was before spell check. Really, even on the handwriting.
You didn't get a red underline? How did that work? No, there was no red underline. There was nothing. There was no red underline in the dictionary.
Do they still teach spelling? But with spell check, I'm not sure why they teach spelling, but they still do. I mean, with Wikipedia, I don't know why they teach history, science, language, or math.
Anyway, it looks like we're going to be here for a while. You guys at home, visit savethearcades.com to learn more about the cause, and stay tuned for round two of Save the Arcades in 2010. Bob, how am I doing? I'm doing alright. You haven't lost yet. Oh! |
dropout | Delicious_Kitchen_Fire_Caramelizes_Dozens_of_People_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Marc Maron. And I'm Stamps.com.
Tonight, down at Dino's Bar and Grill, when a kitchen accident during their half-price Bananas Foster's Night resulted in a horrific blaze that smelled absolutely incredible, 37 people were caramelized in total. Our condolences to our condolences go out to their families, and our congratulations go out to the giant who descends upon the hills to eat people because dessert is served, big fella.
In other news, that dog in Russia sent to space is back, and it turns out he's a big-time asshole now. He's fine, he can talk now, and he thinks he's better than us. The only thing stinger than his breath is his piss-poor attitude, and scientists are having none of it.
You know, I was always more of a cat person anyways. What about you, Marc? Well, Stamps, I feel nothing all the time. I simply look at the faces of other people and mirror their impressions. I cannot do that with animals because their face geometry is unlike my own, and as such, I find them intensely frightening. Speaking of sports, let's throw it to our sports correspondent, Val Valentine. Is that me? Thanks, Marc.
I'm here at the World Cup, just absolutely slamming bottles of Blue Raspberry Mad Dog 2020. My teeth are blue. The crowd is roaring, and I'm told and ushered that I'll go to jail before I go to my signed seat. Glad to hear it, D.V. Who's winning over there? England is currently up 17-0 over India in a thrashing so decisive it recalls years of crushing imperialism.
Ouch! That's gotta hurt. Well, no one likes to lose. Not that. Our key grip was just crushed by that falling light fixture. Sorry to hear that, Marc. Is he doing the Looney Tunes thing where he just is kind of a little puck of a man with two shoes sticking out, waddling around the studio? He absolutely is and is nowhere near as fun as I thought it would be.
Any more sports? D.V.? Sure! Baseball, tennis, there's lots.
Get to know. A new development here in the studio. It's on my leg. It's a rash, and it won't stop whispering to me. Oh, what's it say, Marc? I don't know, but the tongue sounds ancient. Ooh, not to interrupt, but we've got some breaking news coming in. We'll take you to our field correspondent, Borneo, where a huge discovery has just been made. Hello, this is Temple Grandin Jr. reporting live from Borneo, where biologists have discovered a brand new animal. Can you tell us a little about it?
Well, first off, it's fucking awful. Everyone hates it, and we're all mad.
How was it discovered? Well, the biologists were eating lunch when an absolute stench wafted out of a cave, and they were like, what the fuck is that? At first, they speculated it might be some sort of rotting carcass or a little pyramid made of turds. If you will. But they decided to stop eating the one large plate of spaghetti that they were all sharing, Lady and the Tramp style, and investigate. And let me tell you, scientifically, it was a success. But on a personal level, they all regret it deeply.
So tell us about this little fellow. What's his name? Well, here's the rundown.
This new creature is two feet tall, and every inch of it smells like shit. It pisses out of its mouth and poops out of its sweat glands. It's an absolute nightmare biologically and hates humans. The first thing it did was climb up one of the scientists, pull out all of her hair, and throw it in the river. It's called a grant, and the entire team agrees it's the worst animal yet.
Well, I think I know my family's next pet. Do not do that! I'll take one. Do you guys even listen to me when I'm talking?
Stay safe out there, T.G. What a guy. I hope he lives forever. No one lives forever, Mark.
Then why do I remember World War I? Well, that's all the time we have.
Before we go, our loser of the week is me, Tao Yang. Total dummy, that's right. I'm a total dumbass.
Can't believe you kept laughing. I did. I can't not laugh at poop amid.
The little hockey puck guy waddling around. What do I do with that? |
dropout | horror_movie_girl_is_embarrassed_she_s_a_virgin | Okay, I think we lost him. The police should be here any minute. All we have to do, all you have to do is die.
You better think twice before having sex or you'll join them. Wait, why did you kill my friends? I answer the dark spirit's call by killing impure non-verge ins. So all my friends had sex every single one of them? Yes, and if you follow them, I'll come for you next.
I've done it too, just like them. It? Yeah, like sex stuff, I've had it. Wait, really? Yeah, like loads of times. At least ten, maybe more. I guess you could call me a slut. You? Yeah, I've probably even done it with like twin brothers or something.
I don't know. Well, I know I have done it, okay? So can we just drop it? What's it like then? Describe it. Ew, no! Well, if you've had sex before, you'd be able to describe it. Fine, okay.
So, it's so fun. I do it like boys, or men, I mean. So he'll like come over and we'll watch a movie or something, then he'll turn and be like, hey, cool if I kiss you, and I'll nod and like flirt with him, and then we'll kiss and like do other stuff. Other stuff? What does that mean?
I'll like inflate his penis by like pumping on his balls. No, no, no, no, no. Sorry, his pants wiener will contact my like private parts. It honestly sounds like you don't even know what sex is.
I definitely do because I've had it, okay? And I don't have to prove myself to you. You're a murderer. You've had so much sex, just name one person you've had sex with.
Zach over there. No, we didn't. Never mind, it was a different Zach. So many Zachs have like been in and out of my bedroom.
It's hard to like keep them straight. Okay. Look, I know I'm a psychopath, and this is out of character for me, but why are you so embarrassed about being a virgin? It's not a big deal.
People are ready for sex at different times. Yeah, and I was ready, so I did it. There is nothing I love more than getting all hot and bothered and putting my balls in things. Your balls?
Oh Jesus, where did you grow up? This is why we need better sex education in this country. It was a mistake.
You know, the virgin usually lives in these things, so would it actually help you to be the virgin? Dang, I wish I was a virgin. It's too bad I'm not though, so I'll just have to die along with my friends who've also had a shit ton of sex.
You're sure? Yeah! You're really not a virgin. No way. Okay, because I'm gonna have to kill you then. Just do it. I've had sex for sure. Come on!
I guess it's not working because you're clearly a virgin. I'm not though. I must be broken or something.
Stop lying. Come on, even he's had sex.
Oh! Okay, this is the year. 2017.
Gonna do it. Gonna get it done. |
TheOnion | Netflix_Limits_Users_To_One_Eye_Per_Screen | Netflix is cracking down on sharing accounts with a brand new policy limiting users to just one eye per screen. The streaming giant recently updated their official account sharing policy, stating that quote, "...starting today, account holders who watch Netflix programs will only be able to do so with one eye at a time, and should they attempt to use more, their account will immediately be frozen." CEO Ted Sarandos explained that subscribers can choose between their left eye or right eye to watch hit shows like The Witcher, but not both, as that is now considered a felony. The good news is, anybody who wishes to use both eyes to watch Netflix can upgrade for an additional $8.99 per month.
Demand is growing for stricter transit regulations this week after a train derailed and hit an airplane 30,000 feet in the air. Officials claim that a lack of safety requirements may have led to the 37-car train jumping the tracks and soaring upwards of five miles where it collided with the Boeing 737. Department of Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg has responded to their concerns, saying the department is working hard towards introducing new rules that would limit train derailments to an altitude of 10,000 feet.
Men, why do you think women's yoga pants should be banned in public? Banning things women want is one of the last vestiges of American masculinity and must be protected at all costs. If I wanted to see a woman's figure, I'd just have AI create a fully nude photo of her.
Too horny. Not safe. The Founding Fathers had no idea how stretchy pants would one day become. It's less yoga pants specifically and more any garment that may suggest a woman has a crotch. Too horny. Not safe. Too horny. Not safe. Athleisure makes it easier for them to run away when I start talking to them. It adds, only a promiscuous she-devil would cavort around in bloomers that exposed her ankles thusly. Too horny. Not safe. Too horny. Not safe. Some of the prints are just too bold. Almost died today delivering Uber Eats.
Oh, shit. Easy, boy. Oh, hell no. Oh, hell no. |
dropout | what_to_do_in_an_earthquake | Get ready to lose. Ha ha ha. Whoa! It's an earthquake.
Everybody get under your desks and shield yourselves from debris. No, no, you need to get on top of the desks. We don't collapse on top of you. No, I think we get in the doorways because that's where the beams are strongest.
I think that used to be good, but now it's bad. How could something be good one day and bad the next? It was the same with red wine. Red wine is bad?
It's clear none of us know what we're doing. I'm just going to look it up.
No! Just copy me. Keep jumping. If you're not touching the ground when it's shaking, it can't affect you. That's stupid. You have to play dead.
That's bears. No bears.
You punch in the nose. You punch jerks in the nose.
You make yourself as wide as possible for bears. No, that's what you do for mountain lions. That's what you do for mountain lions, guys.
What?
We got to tape up all the windows so they don't shatter all over us. No, that's for hurricanes. No, that's a myth about hurricanes. You're never supposed to tape up the windows.
I know that's wrong. Well, I'm pretty sure the earthquakes are more effective than we are of it. That's insane.
We got to get to the roof. So do I, and the Rock Johnson can save us with his helicopter.
Got it. Everybody. We're made calm, okay? I know what to do. What? Tell us, Sam. Oh, thank God. Everybody put your phones in this bowl of rice. What? That's for an iPhone after it gets wet. Right.
What I meant was, hugs not drugs. That's an anti-drug slogan. Cool.
Let's stick with the rice thing. I am all out of rice.
No. Come back, Sam. Sam.
Don't worry, guys. I've got this. What are you doing? Oh, I just remembered. I just remembered we have to tie our food up in a bag and put it in a tree. You're talking about bears again. It stopped. No, we're all okay. You know, we should really figure out what to do in an earthquake.
Oh, look, a baby koala on a skateboard.
The Neishan Wipe. Iris. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_24_michaela_whitbourn | Remember those cute kid shows you used to love?
Hey folks! Well f**k me! Well not like this you don't.
50 cents sounds just good.
And thank you to all the people who have downloaded this show as a podcast listener. My name is Errol Parker and with me, as always, is Clancy Overall. Yes hello hello thanks for joining us.
We've got an interesting guest stopping in for a chat today. She's an investigative reporter from down there in the Harbour City. She works at Fairfax and she's here to talk to us about cash, developers and some of the few colourful characters that remain in that sterile hellhole. Yeah I'd imagine she'd love to stop in around Batuna Town Hall and get her hands on some of the stuff that's been happening down there as of late. I mean without wanting to name names, I do wonder if the high approval rate for DA's has anything to do with some of our esteemed councillors and their new timeshare holiday house down there on Lake Eyre. Well hello Mayor Carton.
If you're listening, we're not accusing you of anything mate. We're not accusing you of any wrongdoing.
It's an interesting point though. An interesting point you raise Errol.
With all the stuff that's been happening across the state and the country, you would find it hard to believe that there's some gears that haven't been greased along the way. Yeah a couple of residents in our town have done very well out of those new projects Clancy. I'd imagine if you've been around town for as long as you have, you'd know that strings need to be pulled here and there to make puppets dance down there at Town Hall.
And just to make it clear Councillor Carton, we are not accusing you of any wrongdoing.
But maybe some of the other councillors should be making a guest appearance at the new puppet movie coming out. What's it called? The Happy Time Murders. Yes they could probably make a guest appearance at the CCC as well. It's the Crime and Corruption Commission for us Queenslanders down there in New South Wales. I'm sure you know it as ICAC. But yes Errol, they wouldn't be wrongly cast as puppets in the new Happy Time Murders movie which is out in cinemas on August 23rd and is our sponsor this week.
And thank you to them and a very warm welcome to today's guest, Fairfax reporter, investigative reporter I should say, Michaela Whitmore. She's just stepping in through the glass door now here in the booth here at Desert Rock. Now today's guest is an authority in the world of investigative journalism. I know Petuta Advocate has delved in this space and continues to do so.
We've broken a lot of stories out here in the Diamantina area but of course in the more metropolitan cities and suburbs there's a lot more blatant corruption and we haven't seen that kind of stuff since Joe. But you know the things are still alive and well and corrupt in the Harbour City and Brisbane of course, Melbourne as well. And of course Ipswich. The gateway to the Darling Downs. The Triple C. Riddled with corruption. Having a great time out there.
Now these people are quite often not brought undone if it weren't for the work of people like today's guest. The corrupt politicians, the corrupt businessmen, the corrupt developers. And the corrupt systems that enable them. Of course the petty criminals and all rungs of the fringe.
You've seen people like today's guest in movies like Spotlight or All the President's Men or to a degree Katie Holmes' character in Thank You for Smoking. Michaela Whitbourne, thank you for joining us. Thanks for having me.
Now we want to talk to you today about your job. We'd like to first start by how would you describe your profession? Well we're a profession that at its best is holding the powerful to account.
And exposing systems and you know like people who otherwise wouldn't be exposed. Like that no one else has an interest in writing about. So you know someone like Salim Mahajah, he was just a nobody really.
Or an ordinary council before the Herald started writing about him. And that was long before even his big wedding really put him on the radar for a lot of people. So you guys were onto him before the wedding?
Yeah that's right.
So one of my former colleagues Leisha McKenney was writing about him for a long time. In fact I think our editors were sort of a bit perplexed as to why she was taking such an interest. But even then he was covering herself in glory just with sort of low-level silly antics that obviously evolved into something a lot bigger. This is of course for our listeners in the Diamantino area that might not be familiar.
Salim Mahajah a controversial peacock of now the Sydney almost social circles. The social scene was a corrupt local councilor in the western suburbs. Who went above and beyond where we ever thought he would remain as the deputy mayor of Auburn.
He's delved into assault and other things. Well of course he's currently in the big house down there at the Cooma Country Club. I believe he's down there on a stretch for electoral fraud. Yeah that's right so he's doing 11 months behind bars for electoral fraud. But that hasn't stopped him appearing in a lot of other courts while he's still in jail. So just yesterday he was appealing what has to be described as really a wet letter sentence for assaulting a cab driver. He thought that a three-month good behavior bond was probably a bit harsh and he ought to appeal that while he's in jail for rigging an election that got him elected to open council. So you know you've got to give him credit for his tenacity really.
Do you feel like some of these people that you spend a lot of time following and you and you get to see them in action. Do you feel like a lot of them eat like what is it do they think they're above the law or do they think that they they can get out of everything. What's the attitude do they not care.
Yeah I mean I do spend a lot of time thinking about that because you do come to know them in a weird sort of personal way like you know I've sat sort of like next to Salim in court he knows who I am. He'll try and get me to write nice stories about him like that's a conversation we've actually had.
And I've tried to understand what it is that makes people like that tick and whether or not on some level they think that what they're doing isn't wrong at all. Because often they're genuinely quite aggrieved that we are writing about them and they feel like the biggest insult is our coverage of their poor behavior which is interesting. But I think on some level and I did go to this conference a while back where someone was talking about the psychology of criminals and corrupt politicians and people like that. They do actually convince themselves that they haven't done anything wrong. So they've entered into this parallel universe where the problem is everybody else talking about it and not their behavior at all. So kind of like a self-serving victim complex they're being picked on. Which I think is really really interesting because if you're I mean you have to be a super empathetic person to hold this view but you can kind of feel sorry for them. If they really feel like everyone is against them and that's totally unfair that's quite a weight on them.
It would be a convenient attitude to have. So is there a parallel universe where investigative type reporters investigate people doing good things in the community? Or is it more or less about holding a torch to those who think they can get away with it? Well I mean there's not really much point in us writing stories about nice things that happen to be honest. Like they might make a nice feature and that's great but it's the stories that people don't want you to write that really matter.
And I don't think there's anything new about that observation. But people do ask me that all the time. They ask me why it is that we're always focused on the negative and they'd really like to see a lot of positive stories. But I don't know that that's really borne out by what people read. People are worried about things that have a direct impact on their lives and that's usually because something bad is happening or they're worried about something.
And that's just the reality. And public figures aren't going to hide how good they've been. No they don't tend to hide their light under a bush wall in that respect. That is true.
Now can you tell us how do you get into the space you're in? Like there's a lot of kids around the country studying journalism, studying how to get into media. Bo Darryl and I came up as cadets. How did you end up in investigative journalism?
Was there a movie you watched or was there something you read? Yeah not really. I just really liked writing things and kind of the cost of writing things is that you need something to write about. And so you need to take an interest in something. And I come from a legal background so I was a lawyer for a while. And so that was just kind of a natural fit.
Like I'm super interested in paper trails and I'm always sort of I'm very interested in like particular laws, law reform, that sort of thing. So I'm looking at the detail of things and picking things apart in that way. So that's my way into it and that's how I got to really have a front row seat at a lot of these cases which require both sort of an eye for the colour. And there's a lot of sort of human drama and colour but also like the technical detail of what's going on in court. Now speaking of paper trails, which I imagine if you know how to follow them and read them is riveting.
Yeah it really is. Have you ever had that moment where you've connected the dots and something hasn't added up and you've got someone? Oh it happens all the time. Like I don't want to talk about Selim too much but there's just been so many cases where he would just totally do my head in and say black is white. And I just feel like well I've done this company search and you are in fact the owner of Selim Mahajah Proprietary Limited sole director, you know sole shareholder. So I think this you know like huge debt is in fact owed by you and you're just like no no Mikaela like that's someone else's problem.
So on a small level you're doing that all the time like you're just going back to the detail of documents and there's just such a sort of vast wealth of material out there on the public record and you just need to know how to search it. And then it's just this treasure trove and that happens all the time. It happens pretty much every day and that's how you stack up a story.
Have you dealt with much of the corrupt kind of New South Wales government? Have you been put on any cases or yourself you know started chasing them yourself?
Yeah. Because there was a couple decades there and it's probably still happening where just every other week there was someone giving someone a little award. Yeah there was in the years just after Bob Carr pulled up stumps and went over the road to Macquarie Bank. Yeah. When the water's down there on Macquarie Street they started to get a bit murkier.
Yeah so I came into journalism in 2010 and started working in the New South Wales Press Gallery in 2011 and that was at the tail end of the Labor government. So there was already a lot of talk about pretty dodgy deals that may or may not have been done. And then ICAC really started taking a keen interest in that when Labor was voted out in March 2011. And that's when it had some of its huge inquiries into Eddie O'Bead, Ian McDonald, obviously both of them are now in jail and later it turned its sight to the Liberals. And so that was really like I spent years reporting on all those inquiries and that was really sort of a turning point in my career. Like I hadn't been seeking out these stories but we were writing about this every day, every day brought a new scandal, a new MP having to stand down, a criminal child as a result of an inquiry. And that's probably why I made the jump then from the Financial Review where I was working at first to the Herald because they took a really keen interest in all those inquiries and I was doing a lot of that work for the Fin. So yeah, I think I owe a lot of my career to Eddie O'Bead really because just watching him and his mates at ICAC day after day was really a defining moment in my career.
Where does these guys end up, these incarcerated MPs, where do they end up? Is there a special jail for them? Is it like a Labor wing? Yeah. Specifically for the right faction, no. Look, it's not like high security prisons or anything but they're just moved around.
Ian McDonald was complaining recently, my colleague reported that he kept on being moved around and his wife didn't have the access to him that he wanted which is a burden on the family. So he's been bellyaching about that or his family has. So you said you moved over from the Financial Review a few years ago and then you would have slotted in under the godmother of Australian investigative journalism, Kate McClymont. What was it like to suddenly go from the Fin Review to being in the same desk really?
As Kate McClymont? Yeah. Kate McClymont is huge.
She's a really generous reporter, really generous with her time. She's obviously an icon in Sydney and probably Australian journalistic circles. Her contact book is ridiculous. She's always talking to people who know everything. So she brings this real charm and innocence to a job that's anything but which is quite endearing and I think that's how you get people to open up. You get people to get a bit maternal even or sisterly? Yeah, they're certainly quite an empathetic and she has a very caring approach to dealing with everyone I think. I've heard her on the phone before Eddie went to jail saying she needed to seek a comment from him for a story and she was just like, oh hello Eddie, it's Kate McClymont here as though they were in any way on speaking terms which is really very sweet.
How does it feel to be chasing down scary guys? Like I mean obviously you and Kate are in the same boat. She probably is on a few more lists than you. I'm not saying like hit lists or anything but you know there's people that will want to get back at you.
Off the Christmas card list. Yeah, which really cuts me to be honest. Not to be getting one from me and McDonald this year.
I guess I don't really think about it. I think in many ways we just sort of have this disconnect between what we're doing and what we're writing and you can't really think too much about what people will think about it. And most of the time to be honest the stories that you expect to get a lot of direct criticism about you know you're saying that someone's corrupt or just some really you know very forceful allegation that's obviously hugely damaging to them. They usually don't come back at you because you've already stood the story up and there's not that much that can be said. To be honest like the worst feedback and kind of the scariest things that have ever been said to me are from people who really didn't have that much cause for complaint. Like it might have been a really minor or low level slight but they were just super worried about it. So with kind of the big fish of the criminal world to the extent that I write about them. I don't really think about it but to be honest it would worry me if they thought there was any real interest in sort of taking me out or trolling me on social media or whatever else like what's the point of that. There's always someone else who can pop up and do my job. It doesn't make a lot of sense.
Yeah, yeah right. Now I just want to ask you're big on defamation. You kind of cover a lot of that. Yeah.
What are your thoughts on this current example of you know Sarah Hanson Young suing David Leinhelm, this is federally, federal politicians. Kind of the first sitting politician to sue another sitting politician. What do you think is going to come of all this and where could that then take us? Yeah well it's super interesting and one of the reasons why a sitting MP hasn't sued another sitting MP before or their senators is that most of the time when they say grossly unflattering things about each other they limit it to inside parliament. And you can't sue over that because it's privileged. So the problem is that David Leinhelm doubled down repeatedly outside parliament. So in some respects he's getting what is coming to him you know like it's there is sort of this protection there and maybe it shouldn't be if they're making really personal comments about each other. But he didn't limit himself to that so that's why this case is being brought and why one hasn't been brought before at least under the new laws which were introduced in 2005-6. Do you think that could just you know if they for example removed the privilege or everyone was accountable for what they said in any interview ever do you think that you know they could just be defamation suits left right and centre across?
No and well we can't really attribute it just to the fact that people here have massive egos like our laws are not particularly good at protecting free speech. So in other parts of the world there are more protections for people including the public figure doctrine in the US which means that it's really quite difficult for a public figure to bring in action for defamation unless they can show that someone acted maliciously which is a really high bar. And in the UK they brought in some tests that sort of knock out trivial claims more readily and we don't have anything like that on the books here really. So yeah there's a lot going on in our laws that probably needs to be reformed to give us a bit more room to move because a lot of these cases don't really need to be brought and there's always the question of the Streisand effect so when you're trying to suppress something it really just draws a lot more attention to it.
But I totally understand a person feeling aggrieved and like this is the only way to indicate their reputation. Well I noticed that the Herald has just had another defamation case brought against it for a very lengthy investigative report into one of Australia's most highly decorated soldiers.
Yes.
If a defamation law by the definition of it if they were more powerful can journalism like that exist where if you need to jump through all these types of hoops just to get something published? Yeah well I mean it's already pretty difficult for us to write stories like that and we would welcome any reforms to the law that would make it easier for us to do our job but obviously Fairfax is not deterred from writing those big stories because there's a legal risk. We wait all up and we still write stories that matter regardless of that we just take a lot of care in stacking them up knowing those risks involved. So have there been any stories where you've come to the editor and then the editor's gone to the legal department and then the legal department's come back to the editor and gone probably let this one go?
Too hot, too hot.
That's never happened to me. Right. Maybe that's because I'm already sort of self-censoring because I sort of run my own legal eye past it and make my own judgement about that and I probably wouldn't bowl up something that I thought was risky. But I don't really hear that happening by and large. The question is always we just need to marshal a lot of evidence to support this story not that you know just before it even gets off the ground before we've done any investigation we're just not doing it because of the legal risk. I've never heard of that.
Now any other mentors that you've kind of seen along the way? Obviously there's Kate McClymont. Chris Masters is behind this one.
He's one of the writers behind this most recent one that's resulted in a defamation case for the Fairfax media and he has done some big hitters. He kind of brought down Joe essentially. He has written Jonestown. He's written a lot of stuff and is quite fearless.
How many of them are there in Australia would you say? There's not that many but I've been lucky to meet a lot of them.
So when I was at the Financial Review Neil Chenoweth was one of my colleagues and he's just an amazing reporter who does that same sort of forensic reporting. So he exposed you know Graham Richardson and his Swiss bank accounts and he's sort of involved in sort of every big story you can think of.
And he just sort of took me under his wing without me even asking which is probably one of the nicest things that's happened to me in my career. And that's what you find in this profession that people go out of their way to help you even though there's no sort of direct personal reason for them to do that.
So I think he's one of the giants of the industry really as is Kate McClymont. Angus Grigg at the Financial Review is also great and he was one of the first reporters writing about Eddie O'Bead and his coal rich property in the Bylong Valley which is the subject of another criminal trial coming up next year that's expected to take six months. And that was one of the biggest stories that was written about O'Bead and obviously Kate wrote heaps about and literally wrote the book about Eddie as well.
Does it ever get a bit funny when you know when you look at the underworld and there's a lot of different kind of cogs and that kind of stuff and a good example of this is that guy that went to jail the other day, Medich was his name? Ron Medich, yes. Ron Medich and the bloke he'd knocked off and they ever - these crims all live this very volatile life of relationships and the kind of the Fourth Estate's in there as well.
Like there's things that have unfolded as a result of Herald articles. Does it feel weird to be part of that machine where it's like maybe someone's been sent away or someone's changed their whole operation because of something that Michaela Whitbourne wrote? Yeah or maybe more like Kate McClymont wrote. But yeah I mean that is really fascinating and it happens all the time. So you know Kate and others have triggered ICAC inquiries and the same thing with the Medich trial. Like she knew about that pretty much before it happened you know.
So McGurk was saying that he thought he was going to be killed.
So yeah I mean what the Herald and other journalists do is break stories that lead to these inquiries in criminal trials. We're not just passive bystanders. At the same time I'm not particularly keen on reporters who see themselves as part of the story or they are in fact the story. And I don't think anyone at the Herald is really like that. Like a first person piece about your experience of reporting on a case to me is just like the worst thing imaginable.
So there's no like Hunter S. Thompson's at the Herald? There's no Gonzo business. No none of that. There's no one there who aspires to work at Vice one day? Not to my knowledge.
But just on the topic of youth media outlets in this age of shrinking newsrooms at all these old mastheads. Is there anyone coming up or is it just kind of like a one-way street where everyone's walking out and no one's walking in? No I'm totally encouraged by it and it's starting to make me feel quite old actually.
Because I have very young budding journalists coming to me and asking me how you get into this business. And there's just so much talent there and they're scarily smart. So Lane Sainty at BuzzFeed who started to do a lot of legal reporting.
She's amazing. She's across all the issues and she's across every platform.
And there's just so many Lanes you know like I'm not at all pessimistic about the future of journalism. I don't think that it's dying at all. It's changing its form. But that's a really good thing for consumers. So the only thing that I'm worried about really is people taking my job apart from that. Like it's fine.
Keep them underneath you anyway. Keep them in their fenced off little pen.
Exactly. Also there's other avenues for journalists now as well. There is of course you've got your book in here. Everyone's got a book in here. Kate's published something. Everyone. And you might even have your own teacher's pet in you. Well exactly. Yeah. And you could probably do both. You know a book off the back of your podcast. Yeah.
I've done none of these things.
No. People ask me all the time if I want to write a book say about Salim. I'm not sure that I want to yoke myself to him in perpetuity. So no. So yeah that would be that would be. Is that the Salim writer? Yeah. Wouldn't that be great?
It's not for me. Also I think until you can really kind of like unlock the enigma the riddle that is Salim there's not really much point. And I don't understand him psychologically yet.
Yeah. That's the work of a lifetime. Right. We've had this conversation with with a few other people in our in our industry about paying for journalism. Yeah.
And about how there's going to be a time where this golden age of getting a journalism for free is going to come to an end. Like we've had this discussion with our board about putting up a paywall. We've had a discussion with our editorial team and our editors. At the moment the mood is to not do one. But as we've observed a lot of other media outlets like Fairfax and News Corp and all the other big boys they've all started to do it. Do you think there's a change coming from where everyone now if you want access to journalism is going to have to pay for it?
Yeah. Well I mean that's the thing. So consumers were kind of perhaps lulled into this notion that you could get your news for free because there was no paywall online. But before the advent of the line obviously they were paying for it in the form of a newspaper. Yeah. And there was no real problem with that concept. So it's convincing consumers that they need to start paying for something that they previously paid for in a different form. So that's the trick. That's the difficult thing. And doing that in an environment where there are many other players who are essentially riding on our coattails and offering that information for free. That's the problem for us. Yeah.
It is interesting because you've just got to condition the consumer. They were conditioned to pay $2 a day for the newspaper. And I guess there's an element of the Napster generation as well. You know peer-to-peer sharing. But yeah the big concern is it a concern of yours when you when you've spent that much time writing something and then you see it rehashed on you know youth oriented news dot com. You know as reported by Michaela Whitbourne with a gift or two.
Yeah. To the extent that I'm known for anything outside of the subjects I report on I think it's my rage tweets associated with the Daily Mail ripping off my stories. Yeah.
And they tend to get the most traction of anything I do. Which is encouraging.
But yeah of course that's a huge problem and that's their business model. They don't actually go out and seek news. They just repurpose ours repackage it including often taking our photos and you know like just lifting our interviews with whoever which is pretty shocking. But yeah that's what we're dealing with. But we're hoping that people would pay for the quality analysis and the form of you know the stories that you get in the Herald and not in the Daily Mail where the headlines you know 17 lines long. And they use a criminal number of adjectives but you know that's a matter for consumers.
So basically for example where you'd spend a lot of your time down at the Downing Center. What media outlets have got a person on the ground there? Got you guys and Fairfax. Yeah.
So most of the established media outlets would have someone down there and we're sort of scouring the court lists every day and making a decision about what needs to be covered. But you don't really see the Daily Mail or any of those other online outlets coming to court ever. I think sometimes they might be applying to the court for documents but the thing about that is that they don't really want to give them to people who weren't even in court to hear what the significance of that evidence because that's probably not going to be a fair and accurate report. So yeah there's not that many of us on the ground and it tends to still be the established media outlets and maybe with a couple of others like Buzzfeed would cover things with a person in court and not picked up later. Can you tell us how is it spending your life in the courts?
Like is it a lot of characters getting around? Oh my god. Is it like it's a little world of a time? Yeah it's a complete ecosystem and the characters in it are like more colorful and bizarre than you can ever imagine which is just amazing.
Like it's this gift every day but also completely mind boggling you can't believe these people are real. Just even like snippets of conversation that you hear just around the traps like saw some kind of like pretty offensively dressed solicitor you know like huge lurid tie that kind of set up just telling his client like listen this magistrate is mad as a cut snake. You know that kind of advice being offered that's all that's the high level stuff and that's the kind of thing you hear in the Downing Centre all the time. But yeah you just see the most extraordinary stuff in court every day and just and you're reporting on people who get to know that you're reporting on them and that's super weird. But it's a privilege too. Have you ever walked past something you knew nothing about and gone whoa I've got to go in here like this is this looks fun? Yeah that happens all the time so you're sitting in one matter and maybe there's a huge list of cases that are being dealt with and it's kind of like oh this one's possibly more interesting than the one that I was in. So yeah that happens all the time it's just a lot of this job is luck.
Now is there anything coming up that you think like you know is there anything any is there currently a type of story you think that could be coming in the future that is of Obed-esque or is there anything happening in this in this country or in New South Wales that has got you got your ears pricked? Obed's had a pretty high bar. Like there are still MPs in New South Wales doing dodgy things and they've learned no lessons at all from ICAC. On that same level not really.
I thought that Salim was my next Obed and to some extent he was but he's in prison now. So yeah we're looking for the next one of those and I'll say no more lest my journalistic rivals take a nod or two.
Yeah yeah right. Yeah no not really no. So just one thing I think that we need to touch on is the merger. Yeah.
I think that took a lot of people by surprise but it also took some people not by surprise. Yeah well I think it's something that had been sort of rumored for a while so I don't think that the concept was entirely new to anyone. The timing of it I think surprised most people. Like we didn't think it was imminent. There had been discussions in the past. So yes that seems to be happening although it's got to clear some hurdles.
Yeah. So what does that mean for the newsroom really? Does that mean you're going to have to relocate possibly up to Willoughby, up to Channel 9, up to Media Town? North Sydney seems to be the word because 9 also has office space there. Yeah.
So that seems to be happening but not in the next year or so. As to the way we go about the business of writing stories there seems to be no change there.
Yeah keep your head down. We don't have to do like a co-pro with Carl Stefanovic you know for the weekend or anything so yeah.
So what do you think is going to be the go when they start? You know those famous stories and we've seen a couple or at least three or four big ones in the last year. You know A Four Corners brought to you by Fairfax and ABC.
Yeah. What's going to happen there? Do you reckon that will remain? Will you be able to partner with ABC or will that be put out on 60 Minutes and see? Yeah yeah. Well there's been speculation about that and I know that the odds was very quick out of the blocks to say that that was dead in the water. With some degree of glee but I don't know if that is or isn't the case. I don't think there's been any confirmation either way. So we'll just see what happens. Yeah. So would that open up a pathway potentially for you to close the laptop and start appearing in front of the camera for 60 Minutes?
Yeah well that's always been the end game to be honest that and accessing the Channel 9 wardrobe. They've got some pretty snappy outfits in there and they're beyond my budget at present.
I think what most people who are concerned about journalism were sort of most concerned about is how much cross pollination the two companies would have. Yeah well as we've been told that we just continue doing what we do and we'll just keep doing that. You're the Herald. Yeah we've got a very distinct brand and it's a brand that matters. So Fairfax is 9 Sydney Morning Herald is Sydney Morning Herald. Basically the biggest change will be the logo on your business cards.
That's probably right. Yes. Now just quickly someone who works predominantly for the Sydney Morning Herald. Yeah.
When you were with the AFR was that you were kind of national or like could you if you get whisper of something that's happening big you know up in Triple C and you've got the tip off. Could you drive up Deep Switch or is Sydney Morning Herald would prefer you focused on New South Wales corruption which you know there's an abundance of? I think in like both newsrooms that I've worked in if you've got a big story then that's your story and you can chase it. But I mean once you start writing in a particular area you just develop so many contacts that are telling you about things happening in the city so that's just the way it really works in practice. But yeah if you have a big story of course they're interested in it and there's no real restriction on that. You might get other people involved if they're closer to the action or you could benefit from working with them.
But I've never had anyone say that story is not on your patch so you should step off. Yeah. That doesn't happen. So you wouldn't have to handball it to the good people at the Brisbane Times for example. No. No, no, no. If you had a big story and you had the contacts to write it you write the story. Yeah. So it's quite fluid in that sense like say if you did get a tip off and you went up there and you broke the story about you know what was his name? The mayor of Ipswich and then you got another one and another one and would Fairfax allow you to kind of just stay there? I don't know about that. It's just it's just not really that likely to happen in practice. Like then you'd be talking to people who work up there all the time and then their contacts will probably help them out and then probably they just assume the running of the story. Yeah so you do have your line. Yeah.
Well we wish you well into the future. We hope that you do get your golden goose I guess you could say.
Celine is in jail though.
It would have been better if you'd lasted another 10 years and you could have.
Although but the saga could not be over. Yeah quite. It's never over.
He's got another trial coming up for staging a car crash allegedly to avoid going appearing in a trial for assault to which he subsequently pleaded guilty. To the assault and not the car crash. Staging the car actually.
Yeah I guess that everyone in his legal team has been eating steak for a while. Would have thought so and good luck to them. He's given them plenty of work.
Thank you for joining us today Michaela. Thanks for having me. And yeah all the best with your future breaks. Thank you. Well that's all we have time for today.
Yeah it's going to be interesting to see how Fairfax and Nine continue their tango off into the future. I'm sure there will be quality journalism still seeping out of their paws. Yes yes all we can hope for I have to say Errol. Anyway until next time I'm Clancy Overell you be kind to each other.
And my name is Errol Parker please for the love of god stay out of the pokies. Quick out of the blocks to say that that was dead in the water with some degree of glee.
But I don't know if that is or isn't the case. I don't think there's been any confirmation either way.
So we'll just see what happens. So would that open up a pathway potentially for you to close the laptop and start appearing in front of the camera for 60 minutes. Well that's always been the end game to be honest that and accessing the Channel 9 wardrobe. They've got some pretty snappy outfits in there and they're beyond my budget at present. I think what most people who are concerned about journalism were sort of most concerned about is how much cross pollination the two companies would have. Yeah well as we've been told that we just continue doing what we do and we'll just keep doing that.
You're the herald. Yeah we've got a very distinct brand and it's a brand that matters. So Fairfax is Nine Sydney Morning Herald is Sydney Morning Herald. So basically the biggest change will be the logo on your business cards.
That's probably right. Yes. Now just quickly someone who works predominantly for the Sydney Morning Herald. Yeah.
When you were with the AFR was that you were kind of national or like could you if you get whisper of something that's happening big you know up in Triple C and you've got the tip off. Could you drive up deep switch or is Sydney Morning Herald would prefer you focused on New South Wales corruption. Which you know there's an abundance of. I think in like both newsrooms that I've worked in if you've got a big story then that's your story and you can chase it. But I mean once you start writing in a particular area you just develop so many contacts that are telling you about things happening in the cities. That's just the way it really works in practice. But yeah if you have a big story of course they're interested in it and there's no real restriction on that. You might get other people involved if they're closer to the action or could you could benefit from working with them.
But I've never had anyone say that story is not on your patch so you should step off. Yeah. That doesn't happen. So you wouldn't have to handball it to the good people at the Brisbane Times for example. No. No no no. If you had a big story and you had the contacts to write it you write the story. Yeah. So it's quite fluid in that sense. Like say if you did get a tip off and you went up there and you broke the story about you know what was his name.
The mayor of Ipswich.
And then you got another one and another one and would Fairfax allow you to kind of just stay there. I don't know about that. It's just it's just not really that likely to happen in practice. Like then you'd be talking to people who work up there all the time and then their contacts will probably help them out. And then probably they just assume the running of the story.
Yeah so you do have your line. Yeah. Well we wish you well into the future. We hope that you do get your golden goose I guess you could say.
Celine is in jail though.
It would have been better if you'd lasted another 10 years and you could have.
Although but the saga could not be over. Yeah quite. It's never over.
He's got another trial coming up for staging a car crash allegedly to avoid going appearing in a trial for assault to which he subsequently pleaded guilty. To the assault and not the car crash. Staging the car actually.
Yeah I guess that everyone in his legal team has been eating steak for a while. Would have thought so and good luck to them. He's given them plenty of work.
Thank you for joining us today Michaela. Thanks for having me. And yeah all the best with your future breaks. Thank you. Well that's all we have time for today.
Yeah it's going to be interesting to see how Fairfax and Nine continue their tango off into the future. I'm sure there will be quality journalism still seeping out of their paws.
Yes yes all we can hope for I have to say Errol. Anyway until next time I'm Clancy Overell you be kind to each other. And my name is Errol Parker please for the love of god stay out of the pokies. Thank you. |
dropout | Amy_Vorpahl_Simply_Loses_Her_Mind_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello, and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Hugh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Hugh-mungus. And I'm pretty big, too.
Oh. Tonight, a new study suggests noses are very weird-looking, but you'd somehow look even weirder without one. And are you a mess in the kitchen? You're in luck. Chef Curtis Stone will teach you to go fuck yourself. Oh. I just, I have to tell you, because I'm the biggest laugher aside from you. And even though I'm here, like, oh, are you okay? I can't hear you, so she's blacked out. Okay.
And later, how much of the ocean is whale piss? It turns out all of it. But first, our top story. What you gonna do with all that junk? Our very own Hugh-mungus has found three surprising uses for all that junk inside that trunk.
Isn't that right, Hugh? No. That's right. I totally dropped the ball, so I guess I'll do it.
I would use all that junk inside that trunk to change a spare tire. In my actual car, in my trunk, I have a little lumbar pillow, because I like to be a little comfy when I eat, but I don't always eat it. So I, but I, when I need it, I jump out of the car. You use your junk in your trunk to support your back? Yeah, I support my low back with my junk in my trunk. Oh, I also get fucked in the ass. I, I, I, I, I use, curse words make me laugh. Oh yeah, so all of your uses of junk in the trunk. That reminds me of a fourth use for my junk in my trunk.
What's that? To put out fires. Just like really extinguish some fires.
Okay, you who? You who? You Hugh, not you who?
Okay, for less on this, we go to a completely different segment. Massive flooding in Dork City. Population, you. We go now live to our weather reporter, Mr. Ass. Thanks, pretty. I'm here in Dork City like a fucking idiot talking about the weather.
And no, your ears didn't deceive you. I sound exactly like Kermit the Frog. Perhaps my first words didn't sound like Kermit, but that's because it's dry in here. And what I'm saying right now and every subsequent line is a pretty solid Kermit voice.
Since I'm inside, I'm going to use these industrial fans to simulate a big ass storm. Oh, that's what that fan is for. Oh shit. Even though this is definitely going to fuck up the sound quality of this episode, and even though it's probably going to blow my hair around and make it really hard to get the green screen working, the script says I have to do it, so I'm doing it. Worth it. Is this industrial strength? Because you think you could go a little stronger. Okay, as you can see, if I were actually in a storm, it would look a little something like this. Maybe as I write this, I have no idea what this will look like, or if Sam will shell out to buy a big industrial fan. Truly, anything could be happening right now.
This is me, the writer, now, talking through Mr. S. And I, the writer, also sound like Kermit. But then I suppose I have been speaking through Mr. S. since the moment he begins speaking.
This is the nature of art. Paint us! Anyway, flooding happens when water has nowhere to go.
I love how your Kermit impression held up. Until next time, I'm Mr. S, saying my catchphrase that we all know. So we're all going to say it at the same time. Even the fourth anchor, who hasn't spoken yet, ejiggles my ass. Thanks, mister.
Another thing you can do with all that junk, I just thought of it, is rub all of it on other things. And kind of, it's a cleaning thing, if you rub all the junk. Now, how would that work? Well, you take all the junk in the trunk, and then you take another thing, and then you rub it together, and one or two or both of those things would be cleaner than they were originally. Guess I don't know what else I thought the answer would be.
And with that, we go to Entertainment Reporter. Beef teeth. Thank you, Hugh. You, Hugh.
Well, there's a new Star Wars movie, which of course means that Star Wars fans are practically jumping with fury. These miserable little toads who haven't gotten anything they've asked for have gotten some of the piddling little complaints, and now, and now that's your problem for some reason. This time, the names are just too stupid. Even though Star Wars has always been filled with dumb ass names like Salacious Krem and Jar Jar Binks, some fans say the new names have gone too far. Beef, could you give us some examples of those names?
Of course I can. In fact, I can give you five. Terrific.
Obviously. Chaloak Chad. And then we have the last one, which is Princess Farakat. All right, yeah. Well, I'll say this. Those are some pretty dumb names, but also pretty equal level of dumb to every other name. That is objectively correct. That's no different from Helago Willicaster.
Oh no. Sanskrit Pike Guard. Far gone face Ferf. Far gone face. Natawal. And Jibs.
Until next time, I'm Beef Teeth signing off from the master is ass's catchphrase. Eat my ass. Until next time, eat my ass.
Okay, and that's all the news that's ever happened. Except of course, for the news of tonight's loser, which is the hottest lady you ever saw with a lot of money, me. Yes, me just couldn't keep it together. So I'm afraid you'll have to try to pour a tall glass of water while standing directly in front of the big ass fans. All right. Oh no, oh no, oh no, the pants not too strong. |
cracked | 4_secret_origins_of_character_names_canonball | William Shakespeare once wrote, what's in a name? What is a man? That which we call a rose by any other word would smell as sweet. He also wrote in Titus Andronica's Act 4, Scene 2, villain, I have done thy mother.
But let's focus on the name thing, because that's more relevant to this video. So, are names really that unimportant? Would this series be just as earth-shatteringly popular if it was called, I have done thy mother ball? We'll never know for sure, but we can test Willy Shake's theory by looking at some of the most famous movie and TV characters, telling you their real names that you almost definitely don't know, and then seeing if that changes your opinion of them. So let's take a look at the bonkers, the embarrassing, the unbelievable real names of some of the biggest pop culture icons. We're talking about characters literally called garbage, unearthing some serious whitewashing that's been happening in Hollywood for over a century, and proving that coming up with individual names for an entire alien race can be banged out before lunch. This is, I have done thy mother ball.
Speaking of Shakespeare, let's talk about the most famous adaptation of Hamlet ever, Disney's 1994, traditionally animated film, The Lion King. I wish I didn't have to specify traditionally animated, but that's the boring, unexpressive CGI world we live in. Anyway, at its core, The Lion King really is just Hamlet.
A king is murdered by his brother, and then speaks to his kid from the afterlife, telling him to go avenge his ass, which he does the end. Thanks for watching this. Disney naturally took some liberties with the story along the way, like with the characters' names, which are more all over the map than Red String in a Philadelphia mailroom. Take a look at this.
Most of the names in The Lion King come from Swahili, like Simba, meaning lion, Rafiki, meaning friend, or Shenzi, meaning savage. There is an oft-repeated online fact that the name Mufasa means king in the Manizoto language, but the problem with that is, the Manizoto language doesn't appear to exist. The man does not exist. Then you have names like Timon, which comes from Greek, Banzai, which comes from Japanese, and Scar, an English word that makes you think, how did Mufasa's brother even get it?
Have I ever told you how I got my scars? Were his parents psychic? Did they know that he'd one day have an accident that leaves him with a scar on his face? Or was he delivered by a sharp-toothed warthog when Rafiki was sleeping off a hangover? And his folks just decided to roll with the name Scar because they were out drinking with Rafiki last night, too.
Well, it turns out it's neither of those two very cool stories, which are totally for sale, Hollywood.
No, it turns out that Scar actually gave the name to himself. That's how I scar! According to The Lion King's spin-off book series, The Lion King, Six New Adventures, which were officially sanctioned by Disney, and an F-14, Scar got his name by trying to embarrass the young Mufasa and get their daddy to love him more by getting his bro into a fight with a massive buffalo named Boma. The plan failed and the world's only emo lion got attacked by Boma's herd, leaving him with a scar right across his eye. After being carried back home, Scar got his ass chewed out more than the zebra ass he was probably chewing on that morning. Anyway, Mufasa's brother then asked everyone to call him Scar to forever remind him of his mistake and motivate him to be cleverer with his evil schemes in the future. And more importantly, if he got the name Scar from the buffalo incident, what did everyone call him before that?
The second one? Not Mufasa? Actually, the book explains that his name was Taka, which, true to the lore of Lion King, comes from Swahili, like how his dad, Ahadi, is named after the Swahili word for promise. Cool beans! So, what does Taka mean in Swahili? Well, it seems to have two primary meanings, with one of them being garbage, waste, trash, and other synonyms for unwanted stuff you just throw away. So, not so cool beans. To be fair, Taka can also, in some configurations, mean want and desire, which would definitely fit with the ambitious nature of Scar.
But it's just funnier to imagine that the second Taka came out of his mom, his dad went, ew, and was ready to yeet him off a Pride Rock. Also, if Scar really was originally named Trash, then that kind of changes the story of the Lion King. It's like, if in the original Hamlet, it turned out that Hamlet's dad woke up his brother Claudius each day by throwing a bucket of pig p***s in his face. You can go pee in my potty for 50 cents. A lot more people would be on board with the whole murder Hamlet's dad thing in that case. Oh, and in case you're wondering, Scar in Swahili is Kovu, the name given to Scar's heir in the Lion King to Simba's pride. And with it, the garbage dynasty ended before it ever began.
Number three, Optimus Prime from the Transformers cartoon. Optimus Prime, the heroic leader of the Autobots, has been a hero to a whole generation of kids, because he's always felt like a peace-loving philosopher who got put inside the body of a semi-truck on two legs, and who valued life above all else. And only resorted to violence when it was absolutely necessary. In the original cartoon, that is. Old Optie was smart, brave, inspiring. And all other positive adjectives that he so sorely lacked before being almost killed and rebuilt from the ground up into a Decepticon fighting machine. That's right, it turns out that Optimus Prime is the $6 million dollar man. Robot, or the $6 million whatever currency they use on Cybertron. The bones are their money. In the season two episode War Dawn, a group of Autobots travels nine million years into the past to Cybertron, where they encounter a naive dockworker named I'm Orion, Orion Pax. That robot is, of course, a young Optimus Prime.
It turns out that during Cybertron's golden age, Pax was a typical blue-collar guy with a girlfriend named Ariel, despite his desire to touch Megatron's cannon. He's just a jealous type. Pax was absolutely fascinated with the leader of the Decepticons and the rest of the new generation of flying robots. Despite them, you know, calling themselves Decepticons. They literally call themselves Decepticons. How the hell does John Cena remain, hands down, the smartest character in the entire Transformers franchise?
That doesn't set off any red flags.
However, Orion Pax's hard-on for Megatron shrivels when he stupidly leads Meg. I call him Meg, he hates it. Anyway, when Orion leads Meg into the warehouse he was working in, which housed massive energy reserves that are like, Transformer food?
Blood? Souls? All three? Whatever it was, Meg wanted it.
And when Orion Pax tried to stop him, Meg shot and almost killed him. Teaching kids everywhere a valuable lesson about never meeting your heroes, because they might kill you.
It's okay. It's not like they'd pull the whole Optimus Prime getting shot thing twice, scarring an entire generation of young moviegoers because a toy company wanted to sell them more plastic.
But as luck would have it, the Autobots from the future came upon Pax and carried him to a machinesmith, who just so happened to be inventing a ship of Theseus Paradox a few million years early, by creating a procedure to completely rebuild robots into fighters that could stand a chance against the Decepticons. He takes Orion Pax in and transforms him into the Autobot leader we now know and love. The new Opti then decides that the old gullible Orion Pax, who probably also had a bunch of student debt, was dead. And that's how Optimus Prime was born. Now, how did the machinesmith rebuild him? Why couldn't he do it again to a whole army of Autobots and end the brewing civil war on Cybertron? Did Orion Pax ask for a bigger robo d*** before the operation? Those are questions that just get in the way of giant robots punching each other and will therefore be ignored.
Number two, Captain Nemo. Captain Nemo, Jules Verne's 19th century character, weirdly and somehow anachronistically named after an animated fish, is a bit of a mystery in his debut 1870 novel, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. All we really learn about Nemo from that book is that he rams and sinks British ships with his sci-fi sub, the Nautilus, because he really hates the British Empire, which narrows down his potential nationality to literally every nation on Earth. But despite the lack of any real information about the story's primary character, filmmakers wanting to bring Verne's books to the big screen knew exactly how to portray their Captain Nemo, like the iceberg that sank the Titanic, cold, destroys ships, and totally white. Starting with the 1916 silent movie, 2000 Leagues Under the Sea, and its star, Alan Holabar, most portrayals of Captain Nemo depicted him as a white guy, often with British vibes. Hell, Nemo was portrayed by a British actor as recently as 2012, when W. Morgan Shepherd played him. I'm Captain Nemo. Welcome to my island. Even Patrick Stewart got to play Nemo in the 2005 TV movie, mysterious island, and while Patrick Stewart brings class, warmth, and general goodness to everything he's in, and also I want him to legally adopt me, him playing Captain Nemo was kinda... iffy.
Oh, no. The film kept his nationality a bit vague, though they did give him an ethnic headscarf, and alluded to him losing his family at the hands of the Brits in the Indian Rebellion against the British Crown. It's like the film's screenwriter read mysterious island to the end, and knew that Captain Nemo was meant to be Indian, but Stewart was already cast, so... what are you gonna do? But yeah, Captain Nemo was never meant to be Caucasian. According to Jules Verne himself, Nemo is a native of India, named Prince Dakar, and he's the son of Araja of the then-independent territory of Bundelkand. After the Indian Rebellion of 1857, Dakar lost his family and his kingdom, became an exile, and started working on his underwater death ship, so he could fight British ships.
After his research into a machine, that would force-feed British soldiers, pig shit went nowhere. I really have to go poo right now.
The Nautilus' motto may have been Mobilis in Mobili, meaning moving within motion, but it might as well have been India rules, UK drools... in Latin. So, where did the name Nemo come from? It turns out that Nemo is also Latin, meaning nobody, most likely referencing the same fake name that Odysseus gave the Cyclops Polyphimus in The Odyssey, to draw parallels between the two seafarers who spent years away from land. And I'm assuming always answered, uh, nobody, whenever one of their crew members asked who took their lunch from the break room fridge. You know what the most infuriating thing about the cinematic portrayal of Captain Nemo really is, though?
That the first film to get it right by casting Indian actor Nasiruddin Shah in the role was the 2003 flop The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Based on the Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill comic. Yeah, the same movie that was so bad it made Sean Connery retire from acting. And just to put that into context, Connery once played a terrorist, dressed in a teddy bear costume, and kept acting for five years after that.
But if anybody wishes to resign, he must do so now.
Number one, every Romulan in Star Trek. The main problem with the 2009 Star Trek reboot was that it really only focused on Kirk and Spock, and ultimately did with them what Kirk does when he encounters female alien life forms. Imagine the most run-of-the-mill Star Trek plot possible, and you have J.J. Abrams' movie where the big climax is Kirk breaking all Starfleet rules until they make him captain, while Spock stands by his side like a faithful wife on a bucket of anti-anxiety meds.
Still, that wouldn't have been so bad if the movie had just focused more on its villain, Eric Bana's Nero. Hi, Christopher, I'm Nero. It could have actually taken Star Trek to some new levels because Nero was something new to the Trek cinematic universe. He was a blue-collar miner with a pregnant wife who had to witness his planet, Romulus, together with billions of its inhabitants and his unborn child be consumed by a hellish supernova. That's why when his ship was sucked into a black hole and got sent back in time, Nero spent 25 years trying to find the man he believed failed to save his world. It would have been incredible to actually see that journey and dive deeper into Nero's mind, except for the part where we've learned that his real name is actually Oren.
Okay, that's not totally true. I mean, his name is Oren, but he writes it all weird like Oren. This has been confirmed by the novelization of the 2009 Star Trek film by Alan Dean Foster. There, it's revealed that humans apparently can't pronounce Oren's name correctly, so he gives them a close approximation of it and for some reason says it in reverse.
This might have something to do with Romulans being massive racists. Like the planets that Captain Kirk used to visit during the original series, a lot of the races in Star Trek are all about one thing. The Ferengi are obsessed with money. The Klingons are master warriors. The Vulcans are logical and suppress their emotions until their mating period when they become mindless sex maniacs who will die if they don't get laid within eight days. Anyway, the Romulans are also all about their one thing, focused on technology, convinced of their own superiority and the inferiority of others, and generally just waiting for an opportunity to shake their fist at the heavens and vow to show them all.
They're basically a race of mad scientists. I am mad scientist. It's so cool!
So a Romulan giving outsiders their name backwards might just be a way of screwing with them or judging them unworthy of using their real name. This was only invented in the 2009 movie, but it bizarrely works for a lot of the characters, revealing that, just like Oren, plenty of Romulan real names are just standard human names, spelled weirdly. For example, there's a Romulan in the Next Generation episode, Face of the Enemy, named Navec. Flip it around and you get a silly way to write Kevin. The Next Generation also featured the half-Romulan character, Selah. Spell it correctly and you get Alice, which sounds like a derivative of Alice. That doesn't work with all Romulan names, but it does with enough of them, and it makes the world of Star Trek funny as Tis.
I'll let you figure that one out on your own. Thanks for watching this episode of Labnanak. I've been your host, Essage. Have a great... Yod. Nah, I think that one's... Yeah. |
TheOnion | America_s_Breathiest_Singer_America_s_Best_Ep_1 | Americans are lining up for the chance to advance to the America's Best quarterfinals in fantastic New York State. And America's Best reality show judges have returned for another season of making dreams come true or destroying people on a whim. 350 million competitors, but only one will be called America's Best. 20-year-old Lauren is trying to prove she's America's Best singer of public domain songs.
But does she have the right stuff? Wind him up and twist him up a high tug-of-haw, and twist him up a tune called target in the straw. Yeah! That was really special.
You know, Adele is popular right now. And I could see you being popular, too, because of your similar body types. I have to agree. If all the contestants were as good as you, I probably wouldn't have to kill any of them. I agree with the Adele thing. People like it when they see something they've already seen.
But what was that breathing? I mean, you were like, turkey in the straw. Turkey in the hay.
It was really distracting. It ruined the whole performance for me.
See, you can hear her right now. It's like you can hear that.
It's very, very rude to point out a singer's breathing. You were supposed to ignore it. Well, once you hear it, you can't unhear it. It's like how the FedEx logo has that hidden swastika in it. You are an idiot. Sing something else so this idiot shuts up.
Wow. All I could hear were those loud, long breaths in between the lines. It was louder than the actual performance. You were the only one thinking about her breaths. You can't hear that. I heard it, too, that time. It's kind of a strange gasping kind of sound. I still didn't hear it. OK, do it one more time, but just the breathing.
No, that's awful. Oh, my gosh. Is that what you guys have been hearing? I was wrong.
That is very loud. Wait, now I can hear it when you're talking. Does everybody breathe like that when they talk? Everybody. Stop breathing. I can still hear breathing. Maybe it's the best way to talk. I can still hear breathing. Maybe it's the vents. I think it's the cameraman.
Here, from now on, if you need to breathe, breathe into this. Stop breathing into the bag, and don't do any more that he tells you to do. Would have worked with a quieter breathing bag. Just try to get through as much of the song as you can without breathing.
Sweet teddy bear.
Though April showers may come your way, they bring the flowers that bloom in May. So if it's raining, have no regrets, because it isn't raining rain. You know, it's raining. I thought it was good before the passing out.
We either have to pass her on or kill her. If we reject her, she could wake up and slap us hard with a lawsuit.
No loose ends. Congratulations, Lauren.
You are going to New York state. Coming up, a master sandcastle builder impresses the judges. Cool bag of sand. I'm voting yes. You're going to New York state. |
dropout | what_would_you_text_for_money_phone_game_show | Hey guys, we're doing a new show with watchable called I want my phone back We're calling it the scariest game show ever if you like it You want to watch more episodes click the link below in the description. All right, it's gonna start right now Now Now Okay, it's starting now Now phones have been around for a long time, but our lives have never looked like this before This is a game show that asked how long can you lose control of your mobile phone without losing your mind? And should we really care this much in the first place?
This is I want my phone back What's your name? Mary? No, Larry, nice to meet you Chris, but you can call me Ivy My name is Haley. My name is Liz. My name is Sable.
This is a Nessa and Blake I have your phone hooked up to this giant cord which is plugged into our monitors Meaning that everyone can see everything we do on your phone fun, right? Not really I'm going to do some challenges with you mess around with your phone The more you let me do the more money you win if at any point in time you want to chicken out You just say I want my phone back ready to play you ready for me. I'm ready for you So for $5 I am going to send the following text to any contact of my choosing in your phone Okay, I'm thinking about mannequins and it's been blowing my Mind can you believe that they exist?
They're so weird What do you think? I mean they are fucking weird I want to send this to oh, we've got your mom right here. I got a black mom So this is gonna be interesting. Okay, I don't I don't know what that means.
Okay, can I send this to your mom for $5? Yeah, go ahead So our first challenge is for five dollars I'm going to go onto your Instagram feed and on a photo of my choice. I am going to write this post is fucking dumb What say you?
Oh Okay, so I found an app on your phone called seeking arrangement. Yeah Okay, can you tell me what that app is? Well, it's basically like an app for like younger people to like meet older people Yeah, it older people with money. Yeah, so a sugar daddy if you please I just want to let you know There's no such thing as easy money Take it from a girl. That's been around the block once or twice for five dollars I'm gonna go through the conversations you're having on this dating app Okay, and I'm going to write something back to one of the people you have an ongoing conversation with. Okay So tell me who is make out madness. I don't know who that is Okay, this guy's message is thanks for reading my message whether we meet up or not Here's some things to think about I use the sugar daddy site as more of a regular dating site But to meet younger girls that want some help with their bills have sexual needs and fantasies that can be spontaneously explored In a safe and nurturing environment and with someone that could be a real friend.
So what are your reasons? You did not write that Yeah, I want to write back to make out madness I would like to pay you for tutoring help studying for my GMATs He wants to be your mentor, well, let's see if this challenge is called it goes down in the BM Okay, I'm gonna go into your tinder and I want to write to Vin who we just match with on tinder I'm a health nut. This may sound weird dot dot dot the last few people. I've been with have had poor digestive health Can you describe your last BM to me? Do you accept I want my phone back So do you have a girlfriend? Yes, okay great for this challenge I'm going to go through your text thread and read it out Hey, go for it.
She said I'm done He said cool. See you when you get here gonna rest till you do not gonna fight with you She said that really wasn't cool at all quite sad. I did not call to fight have no desire I've wanted to see you and be by you all day I've also not felt well today at all but managed to get through it. You said okay Okay That's on her I didn't have a whole lot to say I mean I miss her as well, but I was tired I was like, baby. Let me take an hour nap. You know, she get home.
We're going. All right. Well congrats.
You let us Let's do a game break this game is called airplane mode We found two contestants with very old phones So we're gonna give them each brand-new iPhone 6s is the only catch is they've got a slingshot them first without breaking them Watch out for those concrete slabs at the side Frickin shutters, oh you blew it. Oh, I'm so sorry All right, try that one again, maybe just to sweeten the deal an extra 50 bucks if you can hit that red beanbag, okay There you go, thank you, you know, I guess it's back to ordinary life with your basic flip phone, okay Ivy what are you doing today at the YouTube space?
I'm helping style a music video. Oh my god. Okay, that's great Do I look stylish enough to be in it? Yes Okay, so this next challenge is called throuple I'm going to take a photo of Anessa and Blake and post it to your Instagram that you are now in a throuple with this couple and that you want to know what everyone Thinks because you're really excited about it I Need your faces ready look up at me one two three So you don't seem fazed by anything you're a millennial it's kind of your guys's brand I am going to delete your entire Instagram There's already over a hundred photos.
You won't What do you think about that? I'm torn because I want you to make money by any other means necessary Yeah, then older men giving it to you.
You want your phone back? Yeah, I want my phone I want to text back your girlfriend and say baby. I've been thinking and You talk too damn Wow, keep in mind I'm gonna have your phone for a while, so you're not gonna be able to The text she wrote just before this says, baby, I'm not happy at all today.
Oh, oh, yeah.
Oh, wow Where he sent it you said yes No, that's that's really gonna be a mess Today was a rough day We texted your mom saying I'm thinking about mannequins and it's been blowing my mind. Can you believe that they exist? They're so weird your mom wrote back saying who you talking to son. I told you I Got a black mom Cool, dude.
What does that mean? So she is texting up the store We texted baby. I've been thinking and you talk too damn much She said what are you talking about? Where is this coming from? Yeah, she's not happy for real.
She's she's been so what single life gonna be like for you So I want to text back your mom peep this ho No, you better fall back Girl give me my fucking phone you want your phone back. I want my phone. Okay, here you go my man Thank you so much. Here's your phone I'm going to text on the same thread with your girlfriend, baby.
I think we need a break like three or four months. No I Can't that's not a how long before I get to talk to her when you well, that's up to you, man You asked for your phone back. You can talk to her right now. You can call her and sort this whole thing out I feel sick.
This is why I'm single men are pigs.
Here we go Thanks, oh my god, I'm caught in the middle of this I Am going to call your girlfriend posing as your therapist Claudia chiffon And Tell her that you've been having a hard time in the relationship and that you need to talk with her But you're afraid to do it. Wow Okay Hi, Jen, my name is Claudia chiffon and I don't know if you know this but I am Lawrence's therapist He has been coming to see me for the last six months Basically, we are doing an exercise in which he is trying to work up the courage to talk to you In regards to your current relationship Can you put Lawrence on the phone? I will be putting Lawrence on the phone, but I need to speak with you first This is as per his request. I do have a question What if I told you Lawrence was on a game show right now and that as hard as it is to admit Claudia chiffon is not a real therapist trained of eight years How would you react?
It is 100% the case, but I'm going to tell you this he is winning money that he plans to take you out with Does that make you feel better? Absolutely. Why don't you look into the camera right now and make a promise to spend it all on her baby If you're looking I promise you this is all on you We're gonna have a great night together and please hire Claudia chiffon.
She is an eight years therapist. She's never lost a client yet I'm on a game show.
Yeah, so that's why you were getting all the crazy text messages So wait am I an IG baddie no nature ho yeah, no nature ho IG baddie What does nature homey nature hose like you on your Erica bad do shit, you know, what is that? That means if you don't shave your armpits and you kind of are earthy and natural.
Yeah, if you're a white person with dreadlocks Yeah, I'm surprised we haven't seen more dick pics actually Watchable hey guys trap passed away earlier today. So now I'm here Thank you so much for watching that episode if I want my phone back if you'd like to watch the other nine episodes You can click right here.
And if you don't you can do absolutely nothing Nothing at all, it's I feel sick. This is why I'm single men are pigs.
Here we go I am going to call your girlfriend posing as your therapist Claudia chiffon and Tell her that you've been having a hard time in the relationship and that you need to talk with her But you're afraid to do it. Wow Okay, go ahead and do it color Hi Jen, my name is Claudia chiffon and I don't know if you know this but I am Lawrence's therapist He has been coming to see me for the last six months Basically, we are doing an exercise in which he is trying to work up the courage to talk to you In regards to your current relationship I Will be putting Lawrence on the phone, but I need to speak with you first. This is as per his request I do have a question What if I told you Lawrence was on a game show right now and that as hard as it is to admit Claudia chiffon is not a real therapist trained of eight years How would you react?
It is 100% the case, but I'm going to tell you this he is winning money that he plans to take you out with Does that make you feel better? Absolutely, why don't you look into the camera right now and make a promise to spend it all on her baby If you're like, I promise you this is all on you. We're gonna have a great night together. And please hire.
Claudia chiffon She is an eight years therapist. She's never lost a client yet I'm on a game show.
Yeah, so that's why you were getting all the crazy text messages So wait, am I an IG baddie no nature ho yeah, no nature ho IG baddie What does nature homie nature hose like you on your Erica, but do shit, you know, what is that? Oh, that means if you don't shave your armpits and you kind of are earthy and natural Yeah, if you're a white person with dreadlocks Yeah, I'm surprised we haven't seen more dick pics actually I've been I've been seeing oh, yeah Watchable Hey guys trap passed away earlier today.
So now I'm here Thank you so much for watching that episode if I want my phone back if you'd like to watch the other nine episodes You can click right here. And if you don't you can do absolutely nothing Nothing at once |
SaturdayNightLive | nail_salon_snl | Ugh, I can't believe you talked me into coming into a nail salon. Greg, stop. men get their nails done all the time.
Well, I'm not like other men, Nina. we're ready for you two. I love when we get couples in here. screw those gender roles. Now, what color are we gonna paint ya? um, I don't know, something low-key, like maybe tan, or nude, or nothing. Greg, come on. don't do this. you promise? Well, things aren't different now, Nina. Okay?
Because as of yesterday, I'm the holder of the Guinness World Record for the World's longest fingernails. Greg, you said you would cut them right after they measured you and gave you your certificate. Well, I made that promise before I knew what it felt like to hold the record, Okay? I can't cut them after one day of being famous. I am tired of living like this, Greg. it's embarrassing. No, you know what would be embarrassing? if I showed up to the gala, the World famous Guinness World Record World Gala, with short nails. so the water's getting cold in the petties. that'd be like, uh, that'd be like, uh, if the world's tallest man showed up and they cut off his legs.
So have we landed on a color? I don't want color. I want ridgies, craft, and yellow. ribbons of crumbling cuticles.
God, no one understands me. What about me, Greg? where is my certificate? I deserve the Guinness World Record for wiping your butt for 12 years. you act like I've never tried to wipe myself. I did once and almost died. you promised me. you promised me you were gonna cut your nails, learn wonderwall on the guitar, and do hand stuff to me for the first time. I never said that. Yes, you did. I have it on voice memo. as soon as I get this world record, I'm gonna cut these nails, learn Wonderwall on guitar, and do hand stuff to you. Now, what time are you getting home? I need you to wipe me. Who am I without my nails, Nina?
I should have never come to this nail salon. I should have never moved to Seattle, And I should have never married you. Oh, okay. well, if that's how you feel, I'm taking my ring back.
Oh, go on. fine. take it then. take it. go on. go. take it then. Go. keep going. Go. go. go on. go on now. take it. Okay.
I'm out of here, Boo. so there is a cancellation fee. I know what you are. say it out loud. say it. that guy from the Guinness Book of World Records with the world's longest fingernails. are you afraid or are you not? Oh, no. you cracked my fingernail. Oh, now these look gross. I can't believe he left for real. Oh, don't worry, mama. I see this all the time. men just need an identity. if it's meant to be, he'll come back. I'm back. And I cut my nails. And you know what that means. you got your butt. Screw those gender roles. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_Pulls_Back_Exciting_News_For_ALP_Trouble_To_Come_More_March_25 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly bullet and thank you for tuning in wherever you are in the world be that on the wireless on the podcast apps that you have in your phone some you downloaded yourself some were put there by Apple much like a U2 album without your permission but like a U2 album if you give it a chance it brings you great joy. My name is Clancy Overill editor of the Batutah Advocate I'm joined by the usual suspects Errol Park editor at large how are you Errol? Good mate not too sure about your assessment of U2 there I think in terms of stories that you've come up with over the past seven years Clancy I'd say that one is the least believable. I think that the biggest plays that U2's music got over the past couple years was at Guantanamo Bay to er... You don't need to explain why it was being played there. We'll turn the music off and you can go back to you know back to Bankstown as David Wicks did. And of course in the corner Wendell Hussey the Dime of Tennis favourite news reader how are you? Yeah pretty good thanks pretty sad about that Ash Party news and I'm with Errol on this one not a big fan of that U2 album but don't mind the analogy.
Well look you two were an era you know they sang much like System of a Down and every song was explicitly about the Armenian genocide. You two basically sang songs about certain suburbs in Belfast that weren't that pleasant to live in 20-30 years ago. Yeah which is weird because none of them are from Belfast so interesting. Yeah and they live in Dublin.
It's just an act of fiction. What's in the news right now Wendell Hussey?
Well we'll kick off with one of the bigger political stories of the week and Prime Minister Scott Morrison has been forced to distance himself from a man he has repeatedly joined on stage in front of millions of people. Yes if you haven't heard the founder of Hillsong has had to stand down from his role as the leader of the global tax-free business also known as a Pentecostal megachurch founded in Sydney's North West in the 1970s. This comes after two female victims have come forward with allegations about Houston which also comes alongside the allegations that he was charged with concealing his father's alleged child sex abuse several decades ago around the time that they founded this church together. But as a result of the standing down a raft of people have moved to distance themselves from him including and not limited to our Prime Minister who despite calling him his spiritual mentor and close personal friend says he was never actually that tight with Brian. He hasn't been to Hillsong for 15 years he claims.
15 years. Yeah yeah. Except for when he postponed the first Covid lockdown so the Hillsong conference could still go ahead. That was 15 months no it was more than 15 months ago so he's in the clear. I think he meant months. Oh right okay yeah he's a real Shire Live guy now I believe. Formerly known as Horizon now known as Shire Live that rebrand came after that particular church distanced themselves from the Houston run Assemblies of God. That happened round about the time Scott Morrison made his political ambitions clear.
What after he torpedoed that other bloke he was running against in pre-selection. Yeah Mr. Toque for pre-selection. Feels like there's a lot of strings being pulled here. It's all water under the bridge at this point. I mean all of this all of this careful and meticulous I guess fine-tuning of a political career it would seem is pointless if you're still going to stand on stage with the man in front of hundreds of thousands of people no less than a year ago. Anyway. Interesting one. Colin Newby actually came out and defended Scott Morrison in the comments section on our Facebook page where he said now now I'm sure just because he got a lot of his ethics and ideology from this guy doesn't mean Scottie would also cover for sexual predators and abusers. We don't want to get sued by an anonymous trust so we'll move on from that one. Yeah yeah we'll cross over to the other side of the political spectrum now and there's some exciting news from the Labor Party.
Streets have announced a collaboration with Albo to make an ice cream that has zero flavour. Yes it's an interesting move from the Australian Labor Party who is dipping its toes into experimental marketing this week, teaming up with ice cream manufacturer Streets to create a special iced confectionary ahead of the election. Yes the Albanese ice cream is going to be rolled out in the coming weeks and it's not going to have much in the way of a memorable flavour at all. It's also notable for its ability to immediately melt when put in a room full of coal lobbyists and union heavyweights. Some would argue that it is better than the double caramel fudge that you can find on McFlurry even at the Sutherland Shire Oreo McDonald's down there. Yes the old timeless hilarious urban legend that one but Albo did want to put a red and green scarf on the ice cream because he supports the rugby league team known as the Rabatos but it was a little tricky logistically and as it turns out Albo is more of a gelato man.
Well that would make sense with the last name. That would make sense. Is that tricky last name?
There were also lots of angry comments on that one from the other side of the political spectrum as well coming out to defend who's the Albanese, no no not the Greens, the Rabatos fans. Way closer to the centre than that. The noisiest people on the internet of course are Rabatos fans.
Science news now and economists have released a map of which areas will be completely fucked if interest rates go up and it is a map of Australia that is entirely red except for the inner suburbs of Brisbane, Melbourne and Sydney. Those localities are green which means they're not fucked with the rest of the country being red which means completely fucked as we just mentioned. Bitch who tells a thousand words eh Wendell? We speak to the leading economists from South Batuta Polytechnic who revealed that if the Reserve Bank of Australia brackets RBA, you know those in the know will know what that acronym stands for, if the RBA raises the current interest rate things might be quite bad for homeowners, particularly new homeowners. Yeah, Professor Alan Cock explained that roughly 95% of households around the country are quote going to be fucked if the RBA bites the bullet saying that it might be time to have a look at picking yourself up a Venezuelan credit card which for those people who aren't in the know is a L1A1 SLR which was basically the last good rifle the Australian Army had before we got this plastic piece of shit that just cannot handle being in the desert, cannot handle being in the jungle, cannot handle being fucking anywhere, Wendell.
Yeah, you don't want to firearm the games. You need the Venezuelan one. You need the Venezuelan one, it might be a bit heavy, it might be made of wood and metal like oh sorry it's from the 20th century but it carries a 7.62mm so you only need to put one of those bullets into the chest of an attacker and they're down for the count.
Really send your landlord a message and I'll finish up with sport and Ash Bardi has sensationally retired from tennis to pursue a WBBL comeback with the Brisbane Heat. Yes, this one came out of the blue if you are an idiot. World number one tennis player Ash Bardi announced that she's packing away the racket at the peak of her powers. The Ipswich product has decided to walk away from the sport with plenty of questions thrown about what is next for the wildly popular sport star.
And once again the Advocate came to the party with another exclusive scoop revealing what her next move will be Clancy. We did, we did. Actually most people thought she was just going to retire and do fuck all which is what literally every one of us would do if we had $45 million in the bank and endorsement deals that could last you the rest of your lifetime.
But we still had a look around and we beat all the Fox Sports types to report that Ash will be taking up a contract with the Brisbane Heat in the Women's Big Bash League. She played a season with them a few years ago and she said she's got unfinished business there as well as the offer of a free Hyundai Santa Fe and a fuel card paid for of course by the Brisbane Heat. So exciting times ahead for the Springfield Renegade. Yep, move over Chris Lynn, there's a new star in town. They are firm favourites to win that title now I believe.
And our reporters were able to confirm for us just in the past day that she has signed a contract worth close to $700 for the season. $700 per win I believe. $700 just for the season, it's a flat rate which is exactly the same as what the boys get. The boys get a flat rate per game but they get a bonus if they win so it's a quality. They get paid the same rate.
Other sporting news, we'll just finish up quickly, we won't touch on this but Italian soccer fans are now all Italian rugby fans as well. And soon they'll be Italian Big Bash fans as well because that's their next all of hope is maybe the T20 World Cup because they obviously, there's two World Cups now that they're just not even getting a look in for the soccer.
North Macedonia, they are footballing powerhouses. How big is North Macedonia?
Two million people. About the size of Wagga Wagga.
Jesus Christ, get it together Italy. No, anything to get out of work those Italians. That's it, they tanked so they didn't have to go to the World Cup. They're knocking on the glass in the booth so we are going to wrap this up and get out of here. Have a good weekend. Bye bye. Au revoir. Ciao. |
dropout | new_iphones_are_like_new_girlfriends | This is Jim. Jim just got into a new relationship. Jim, well, let's just say he's head over heels in love.
So gorgeous. He spends every waking moment with her. She's the first thing he sees every morning. What's the weather going to be like today? And the last thing he sees every night.
Did he set the alarm for 8 30? Okay, I set an alarm for 8 30 a.m.
Thanks honey. Each day he learns exciting new things about her. You take video too? He starts ignoring his friends in favor of spending time with her. When he does talk to his friends it's always about how slim and attractive she is and all the amazing things she can do. When he messes up he does everything he can to make it bright. And he pampers her buying her things she doesn't really need. But as time goes by things that used to be easy start to seem hard. She doesn't surprise Jim anymore and he begins to see her flaws. I told you to remind me about Stacy's birthday. He complains about her to his friends. Sorry guys, it always takes forever. When he wants to spend time with her at night she says she doesn't have the energy. As the realization sets in that they won't be together forever he starts to get careless.
They fight in public. They fight in the car.
I thought you said take a right. Well, say something. What do you talk to me?
Jim's eyes start to wander. One day he strays to fulfill needs she can no longer meet. Finally he leaves her. For a little while he's helpless, lost, alone. But eventually he starts a new relationship. Jim is smiling and starry-eyed as a wave of excitement washes over him. Surely things will be different this time. If you like that video click me to subscribe. This phone's not plugged in. |
dropout | are_you_nerdy_enough | Charlotte was supposed to be in a sorority at Smith College, but that's a historical women's college that did not enroll in Greek life.
And that is every inaccuracy in the Sex and the City series.
Nope. Not nerdy. Next. Hmm, yes? I can recite the entire Lord of the Rings series in Sindarin. Oh, great. Yes. You're good. Do you dare say you are a nerd? I do.
And what have you prepared today? Perhaps expertise on the Elfstone of Glorfindel, the wand makeup of every wizard at Hogwarts, box office statistics for Star Wars.
It was supposed to bomb, you know. The graphics were evolutionary for the time. It really changed everything up. No.
Actually, I am here to present Original Beanie Baby Birthdays. For instance, today is March 23rd, so that is Hope the bear's birthday. But it is also Coco the cute little brown dog's birthday. And then tomorrow the 24th, it is Cheddar the mouse's birthday. Fairy Dust's birthday, that's a bear too. There are a ton of bears.
Nope. Not nerdy. Next.
Really? Why? What? Beanie Babies are stuffed animals, and stuffed animals are not nerdy. Here, here. Yeah, but you let that guy in with the Gremlin Wiki, I mean Gremlins are stuffed animals, right? That's what they look like. What?
Never. Come on, admit it. You have some weird attachment to this word, to the point where you exclude anything that isn't male-centered interest. Excuse me. I would never. Okay, fine.
Well, I am super nerdy about Barbies. I can name every type of skipper, and I know all of their backstories. No, no, no, no, no, no. You don't understand. Barbies are simply not nerdy. Sorry, I just wanted to see if I'm clear to be an action figure nerd.
Oh, of course. Step right in.
Action figures. Barbies are action figures.
Come on. Just admit it. You have a bias toward male-centered stuff. I would never.
And besides, Barbies could never be as nerdy as action figures. Action figures represent beloved canon, worldly pursuits. There are a ton of Barbie movies, okay? And she has like a thousand jobs and canon.
Tommy, her little brother, not her son, somehow, oh my God. And remember Midge? No wedding ring. I mean, scandal in the dream house, am I right? Pish Posh!
No, no, no. A nerd interest is defined by the depth and quality of the universe from which it comes, the uselessness of the information. Thereby justifying the extra effort involved in toiling over said information. And the level of obsession that the viewer maintains. For example, we had a Game of Thrones nerd here the other day.
He maintained a depth of knowledge about an HBO universe with many characters with extended backstories who went through trials and tribulations and a whole lot of sex. Uh, sex in the city is an HBO universe with many characters with extensive backgrounds that go through trials and tribulations while having a whole lot of sex.
But there's no magical creatures. If you don't think that Steve is a magical creature, I feel sorry for you.
Ow! Make her stop. Fine. Okay.
I love my little pony and it has magic and it has creatures and dragons and endless backstory and a whole universe of canon. Is that nerdy enough?
Hm, maybe if you're 45 and a man, but if you're 12 and a girl, no! Lame as hell. Hi, it's Rekha.
There is a lot of blanket play. It's a lot of blankets, a lot of, oh, I got you a gift, oh, let me tuck you into bed.
I'm like, oh, God, yeah! So sign up for your free trial today and it was so great meeting you. If you want to like share some of those candy bars over wine sometime, you know, I am available, you know, you get like 125, I can get 125. I know, it's just an idea. |
cracked | how_the_walking_dead_sounds_if_you_ve_never_seen_it_cracked_responds | I'm sorry for all the huge fans, but I can fight a zombie. No problem. Yeah, I think that's pretty apparent, like, at the point that we're in the show, anybody can fight a zombie, really, like, they're just kind of dried out, they're not really, they're not the threat anymore. Right. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
Because my plan was immediately, go to a secluded area, kill all the people around me. I'm not a psychopath, I promise you guys, but kill all the people around me. And that way, zombies won't come to an area, I can fight the zombies, I'm more worried about the people getting infected.
And that's what we're getting into now, is... This is starting to sound like a show that I would like.
In this episode, basically we're getting Negan, who is the antagonist, guy with the leather jacket and the baseball bat with barbed wire. He is finally coming to collect from the people in Alexandria. Rick is his servant now, and so Negan demands half of their things. Most of the conflict in this one came from Negan just kind of being a dick the whole time to Rick, and just like, he made Rick carry around the bat, Lucille, that he used to kill two of Rick's best friends with.
Don't hand that off to someone. Rick could have like been carrying... He could have hit him with the bat. That's true. He could have been walking behind him. And that's kind of what this whole thing, like, there were several shots of Rick like angrily gripping the bat, and then him going, oh okay, I better not do it, because Negan will kill the rest of the people here. That's where a lot of the tension came from, is like, oh, is Rick going to do it? Is he not? We know he's not going to do it, because we've got like 15 more episodes in this season, and he's not just going to bash Negan's head in, and that's going to be the end of it. So we need at least 14 of Rick angrily carrying around a bat? Possibly.
Does Rick not have people? Rick does have people. From what we've seen, Negan has a much larger army of people than...
I get the rules of the fights. ...carrying around, collecting things from the houses in Alexandria that he wants. He tells them half is whatever I say it is at some point. You don't decide what we take. If you're going to make up your own rules, just be like, give me your s***. Exactly. That's all you have to say. You don't have to define it as half, if you're really just going to take whatever you want. There are little rules in the zombie apocalypse, let's hold on to our number system, Negan. Come on.
We get outside of the actual him going around collecting stuff, we get Michonne hunting, learning to shoot this rifle for the first time. She's been carrying around a katana, the whole apocalypse, and that's what she's good at. About time she learns to use a gun then. Yeah, pretty much. She's not good with a rifle yet, and she makes that very evident because she shoots at a zombie about 10 or so times, does not hit it once, accidentally kills a deer that was behind the zombie, and then cuts the zombie's head in half with her katana. That seems like a much harder, respect. She learned to fence before, like that's the secret background. Still, if I was a fencer and there's a zombie apocalypse, still grab a gun. I don't know how to use a gun either, but I'd still grab one. Yeah, you'd think a couple years into the apocalypse that she would have used a rifle at some point. Right, and it's clearly not because she's afraid of killing.
Right. The other sidebar, side quest was Rosita and Spencer go to retrieve Daryl's motorcycle for Dwight. Like, they were told to do this by Dwight, who in the last episode was being portrayed as sympathetic, but now is just like being a dick again. Now you're good to go. What happened to the guy that was like, that we were supposed to like in the last episode?
And does, I guess, does he have power to like help Daryl? I mean he kind of could, he's one of Negan's lieutenants, but I guess he's so scared of Negan that he doesn't.
Yeah, it really doesn't seem helpful in this scenario to be mean to people. It seems like the most helpful thing in the zombie apocalypse would be for everyone to be nice to each other. That's a terrible show. Zombie apocalypse, we're all nice now. Nice to each other, yeah.
And lest I forget, the biggest bomb of information in this episode, the thing that people will be talking about, Rick's baby is not his baby. But she isn't mine. It's his best friend Shane impregnated his wife while he was in the hospital.
Because he mapped a lot of other TV shows. That's a good plot. Which is pretty good, because he murdered that friend because they were going to kill each other.
Yeah, you gotta take care of that baby then. As in love actually. Alright, seeing that one. So, I mean, what do you got? You got something crazier than that? |
cracked | why_does_spider_man_have_so_many_girlfriends_w_matt_mcmuscles | It's Quarators time. 🎵 Quarators 🎵 And we're back with Quarators another week here on Cracked.com, home of the fact. Official slogan of Cracked.com. We're your hosts Alex and Jeremy, I'm Alex.
I'm Jeremy, how's it going? It's... How is it going? It's going alright. It's fine!
We had a great guest for you this week, all the way from the World Wide Web, folks. You're gonna love this guy.
We got Matt McMuscles live in the chat. What's going on, Matt? Hey, what's up, Matt McMuscles?
It's a funny name because I'm not particularly muscular in any shape, way, or form. It's a pun, really. And that blew my mind when I saw that big turn. I was expecting the most robust gentleman, right? Well, yeah, in some ways, yeah, no. Like, robust in some ways, but very much not in others. Matt, do you worry that if you ever work out, you're gonna have to, like, stop yourself? To be like, I can't get too muscular, it's gonna stop being a fun nickname.
You can tell he's thought about this. I think about this all the time. It's a good excuse.
Because one time I was getting somewhere, and I'm like, now this will ruin the brand? It'll ruin the brand.
I just can't. My health isn't worth it.
You're running into the problem every, like, 90s fat comedy actor has. Jonah Hill was so much more entertaining, like, 10 years ago. That's true. It's just, his bone shape is entirely shocking now.
Now he's mean to his girlfriend and skinny, like a loser. I think he's mean because he's skinny.
I agree. Well, that's enough of that.
Matt, have you been on Quora before? You know about Quora? I know of Quora, but no, never actually perused. What have you heard?
Like, this is a dumb place, and then your podcast appeared. That's literally the start and the end of it. So, yeah, that's my, but I did do a little bit, a tiny bit of research, like a week or two ago. Because we had some problems scheduling this.
Just, I had a really bad cold. It was, like, I had COVID and this random cold, way worse.
And I don't know why. I think it was because it was from a child.
Yeah, you're getting it raw. Yeah. You're getting straight from the source, flu.
Yeah, so, yeah, like, I haven't, like, you know, really, really dug deep into the website. That's fine. And if you are watching, I encourage not digging deep into the website.
It may harm you and your mental health. If you are sick, Quora is a good place to go to ask. Oh, yeah, just ask random people. People who are not qualified to give advice. They have a doctorate in some other thing, and they want to tell you to take household products.
Doing this show for a year now has made me feel, like, mixed on Quora. Because if you have online poisoning and you're on Twitter all the time or something like that, Quora is so much more fun to be on than, like, Facebook or something like that. But it is also the dumbest place on the entire internet, which is a very special prize. And it will hurt you over time to be there. So it evens out. Yeah, it's like drinking. It's, like, a lot of fun, but it's bad for you, I guess. I feel like when we're on Quora, it's like when you have poison in a video game and you're walking, you just do, like, the negative one pop up every two seconds.
Ooh, ow! Ooh! No, don't do that to your son! Ow!
Well, OK, we bookend every episode by asking a question and then seeing what people said. So what was our question last time?
Last week, we said, if I sat on a lighter, parentheses really hard, would it explode? Oh, no! That's right, Mario. Oh, no. Any thoughts on this, Matt?
Do you think you would explode a lighter if you sat on it really hard? It depends on the surface that you're sitting on. If it's on a couch, no. That's just physics. Yeah, it's just physics. If it's on, like, a cement bench and you hit, like, the like one of the cheeks or like the ass bone is, maybe if you were of a certain carriage.
Sure. I can imagine that working. But like, I'd say nine times out of ten, no. Nine times out of ten, you are safe. That's the lighter guarantee. And then there's that one out of a hundred, you sit on it, goes right up your butt, and then you explode. Oh, my God. And you can trust Cherubim.
He's a doctor. I'm a doctor. Yeah, so our suggestion is to avoid bone sparks, I guess.
Let's see what the people at Quora said. This guy, Adam Griffin, who's a senior product manager at Pendo, says... Shout out to Pendo. Shout out. We love your work. Pendo, you're our guy who answered our question corporation of the week.
He says, I would say it's possible if you were on a hard surface. There you go. We're all saying the same thing.
Be careful, however, with fluid lighters or any butane product in the nether region area in high school, I would tease friends by lighting my farts and fire and ended up with a second and third degree burns three feet up my colorectal lining. It is a very difficult area to treat. Three feet up your up your organs? A special move at that point. It's like you've fought scorpion. I'm assuming like it's not straight because that's the whole torso. That's a round. Is he saying third degree burns like up his ass? No, he's saying up his colorectal lining, Jeremy. Is rectal not ass? It's a colorectal lining.
I'm looking it up. I'm googling it.
The lining of your colon, I'm assuming. Yeah, I want to say. Really? Then he has to really get a camera up there to see the degree of burns. I'm assuming he went to a real hospital and didn't just check the Internet for this one, but we pulled up colorectal lining. And yep, that's what it was. It's up there. It's where a colon polyps go anyway, did a reverse explosion.
Do you have any other answers from even smarter people? I got to say that guy was incredibly qualified. A letter question in a way that surprised me.
I doubt it would. There's nothing to ignite the leaking butane or naphtha from the lighter. Years ago, I had a freshly filled zip off stuffed into a tight, tight, tight jeans pocket, young dumb waiter. I felt a sting on my skin, which was the naphtha drying out or a chemical burn on my skin. I had to remove the jeans to make a stop, but no ignition occurred. I had skin damage for a long time. Sounds like you didn't sit on it, though, even though you were a former engineer at nuclear power plants.
Allegedly. This is all happening at like a very high tech institution. Dare I say useless answer. It's not like the high tech place is like a lab at the bottom of the ocean. When I was the captain of Sea Lab 2021, I used to light my own farts on fire every day. I burned my ass right up. Damn.
OK, so one guy says no. That's under answers that need improvement. A vote from Gray. Casual reminder, as we do on the show every week, just to, you know, say it again and again, if you must answer our core questions, be sure to use the code word scrambled eggs.
And this way, we'll know you're one of our little minions. Guy, we're going to we're going to say where you work and stuff. We won't be. We won't read the fake place you work on your work.
OK, let's get into it. This is our first segment, Forbidden Knowledge. And we met you told us that you wanted us to find a bunch of video game and comic book and hentai questions. So we have found me at my best. Yes, we have found such questions. We need to coach our athletes into their top performance. Yeah, exactly. We wouldn't dare put you in the wrong field. We all hydrated before this.
OK, so this is a video game question. This question is on Quora dot com, and it is, should we prohibit the mentally ill from playing violent video games? We have laws restricting sales of firearms to those who with a history of mental illness or a criminal record. But we allow use of violent games, including first person shooter games.
I would love to see this implemented. I would love the like license you need.
Yeah, there's a guy at GameStop who like makes you walk 20 paces in a straight line, then you can have Red Dead Redemption two and it's like a form has to be filled out like and and the GameStop employee has to be behind like a more official looking desk. Like GameStop is not going to spend that amount like refurbishing the what, 50 stores that are left in America that are GameStop. So I'm I'm going to say, yeah, like in terms of logistics, there's no way you can implement that GameStop will start having bulletproof glass. The only way to safely continue the trade. They had your game like, what are you using this for? You put it in a drawer and then they open it up one side.
If this came about, like the early 2000s, like boom of PS2, like, yeah, maybe, maybe a lot of lives could have been saved. A lot of life saved. Like that's one like stuff like manhunt was coming out and like you could have had you could have had senators talking about that specifically. And this could be a bit nowadays. Too much money is being made in video games. It's too mainstream.
How many shooters were inspired by Bloody Roar Primal Fury? We'll never know. I'm not a shooter, but I was generally inspired by Bloody Roar. I was I was on game FAQs once, and I found an old ancient FAQ for Primal Fury specifically written by Aaron Hansen of Game Grumps when he was like 12 and he has little descriptions of the combos.
He's like, oh, this combo is so cool. Use it a lot. And I'm like, that's my favorite fact. I just found the game.
And that's why Matt should be in prison. But we have to arrest Matt.
I've kind of modeled my career after Bakuryu the Mole. That's a really strong video game poll. Welcome to crack.com. Sheena the Leopard.
I don't have a third one.
That's fine. You only need one or two. It's going to come to me in twenty five minutes when it's useless.
What are people saying? I bet they're really dealing with this. Well, we're not happy about this question. That's a shame. People are pissed off.
Jason Genesee. I feel bad. I'm saying these people's full names. His name is Jaden Genesee. Jaden, sorry. Well, you know what? I'm sorry I didn't dox him for one second. Jeremy trying to put his body in front of Jaden Genesee to save him from our fast. First teen, Milbury Lane. Jaden says, I'm mentally ill.
I spent the majority of my life listening to violent, evil Satan, worshiping, kill your parents, kill the authorities, kill everyone. Deadly heavy metal music. The music that wasp and others would tell you is the worst part of civilization. Heck, I even listen to the music that came after the great wasp uproar. Wal-Mart and Kmart won't even carry some of my favorite bands because post wasp, you know, bad words. I listen to Slayer, Megadeth, Metallica, mentally ill here. I listen to body count.
And then he goes, I want to know how evil I am. I study the Bible daily. I joined the Catholic Church. Mwahaha. And I sit here reading questions on Quora and responding to them.
All right.
This guy's really given us a lot of attitude. I just want to know if you should be barred. Ah, ha, ha, though. That is the spice there. If you like that, ah, ha, ha, you'll love the preceding ah, ha, ha's and the rest of the post.
And then so then but then he goes, never got into video games. So it's like, well, that's why you answered this. So maybe you don't fucking know, Jayden. Yeah, maybe you're the last person to ask in the world. I'd rather have like a... I got no dog in this fight.
Yeah, I just like Slayer.
I'm so sick of Jayden, man. Pisses me off every week. Um, Eric Pepke, unrelated to Eric Pepsi, says, why? Then he goes, don't even get me started on Barney. Just a flashback of Barney and I'm ready to do bodily harm. It's like, what are you talking? No, he's just joking. Why are you going on a rant? Ignore Jayden. Sorry, Jayden is trying to make a mockery of our Quora investigative podcast. I've moved on to Eric Pepke, who works at Synsco. What's his deal?
Well, if you're talking about sending messages, I guess you can do what you like. Your audience is people who aren't mentally ill. A lot of stuff that people do about the mentally ill is make themselves happy. Yeah, whatever. There's the implication that, like, if you get a video game, you are enabled with the same level of power a gun brings you. Yeah, I think so.
You unlock new special moves in your ADHD hands. You're going to feel like you get really good at throwing PS2 disks and you chop them up into like ninja star shape. That's the only way that's being really a deadly weapon without an additional outside element. So they're like, no. Ninja star shapes are one of the sharpest shape. That's something we want to discourage our listeners from throwing.
Again, physics, physics. The science podcast.
OK, well, unless somebody else is even more angry. I think now let's move on. OK, here's a rare case where the Quora answers are not angry enough. Yeah. All right. Here's another video game question.
Why was Lara Croft given a bust reduction? Was it because she was considered overly sexual?
If so, is that fair to her? Is it? Is it fair to her?
I'm going to go ahead and say her back hurt. That's usually why. Yeah, that is. And she does like a lot of athletics. Sure.
You really don't want to be like stuck on a crag. A boob wise. Oh, no. It'd be like one hundred and twenty seven days later. The movie where a zombie gets stuck in a mountain. Oh, no, I'm just a sexy zombie. And he's really. I can't use my guns to shoot myself free.
So I think this question is fundamentally flawed because when you went from the big polygons that were sharp, like they're basically pyramids, like there's going to be a natural reduction when it moved over to like more powerful hardware and they're able to like do more, quote unquote, natural curves to it. So I think this person maybe is like not thinking about that element to it. But remember, they had to increase Angelina Jolie's bust for the film. Oh, against that. Too many of our of our viewership is actively trying to forget that. I honestly always thought they should just give her the triangle boobs. That was really trying. They did that in the 70s. Yeah. You just give her the sharp triangle bras back and then she will look like Laura. That would have been enough for people to been like, they got the video game right.
It's so finally, I don't know where I end in the film. Yeah, that was also a 3D movie. Well, they shoot water at you in the theater.
Look, I learned going in a pool. She's going in a sexy pool.
Yeah, man. I'm still hung up on. Is it fair? I think that's a good question.
I think this is the angle they're going for is like, was Lara Croft's boobs silenced for truth? Did the woke mob come for Lara Croft's boob? Her woke, her right wing boobs.
British grew up rich. Yeah, maybe. Maybe the first one. Well, there's a lot of history here, and I don't know how deep we want to get. I don't know.
It's just a lot of photos of women dressed as Lara Croft. These are the longest post answers I have seen on the entire website. People have written essays. A little bit of a mentally ill thing was like, not that interesting. No, this is the real shit, because they also hired like six or seven models to be Lara Croft at like trade shows and stuff. So I'm assuming a lot of those pictures are from there.
Like they went through one lady a year. I can't imagine what that woman had to go through. Going to every single trade show.
She's like, I'm done. I'm done.
Bring in some fresh meat, I guess. Being Lara Croft wears you out. Here's a good answer. It's this guy. Reza says, I wish Democrats didn't hate big tits, but they do. Facts. Oh, baby. Why is Joe Biden forcing the itty bitty titty committee, the Ministry of itty bitty? Who put Pete Buttigieg on this board? And he somehow went back in like 2002, 2003 when this change was implemented into Lara Croft games. Amazing. The government's out of control.
I think that's enough. That probably does it for this one. I think we've covered. I don't think any other gold's coming out of that. OK, here's a question.
Why does Spider-Man have so many girlfriends? Now, Spider-Man is debatably overrepresented on our program, as we have been talking about him for some reason every week for six weeks. But I've never known why he has so many girlfriends.
How does he have a three? He's got more than most. And he's he's always struggling in the workplace. Like he's not making rent most months. So I mean, then it has to be just charisma. He's not a nerd. Most of the time he's a nerd in his teenager years. But also, the character has been alive for like 70 years. He's an old man, man.
By this point, you can have you can have three or four girls. Like, who is there? There's Mary Jane. There's Gwen Stacy and and the secretary. Black under the date, black cat.
Like, no, no, only in costume. Shut the fuck up, Jeremy. Well, that's Spider-Man. I didn't say Peter Parker. That's like the most elaborate way of cheating is like that. Spider-Man's girlfriend. We're still married. Well, he tries to take off the mask in a scene. She's like, don't fucking do that.
Leave that one. And that works for Mary Jane. That's their agreement.
The other thing, too, is people don't know the Spider-Man loves you, baby. But Spider-Man, he's got a bone. Spider-Man's got a great body.
That's all I want to say. I just want to get that up.
That was probably miles in at the Avengers compound, picking up Riz. Also, don't forget this actually transfers into real life as every live action Spider-Man dates his girlfriend in real life. Is that true? Yeah, that actually happened. Oh, my God. Toby, you dog. He's all over town. I don't think Toby and Kristen Dunst was like a huge thing, but like apparently they did date like briefly.
But the other two examples, like their longstanding relationships. So the transfer, the magic of Stan Lee continues forever. Like he just writes this character that's irresistible in fiction and in real life. So beautiful.
I don't know what the answer is here, but what are other people saying? Say what you will about Stan Lee, but he knows women. And he and Steve Ditko, they fucked. Let's see what people said on here. There's three answers.
Someone this guy, Bhaskar says he doesn't really have a lot at the same time. He's not a player at all.
The first woman he thought he loved was Betty Brant. They drifted apart and she later married Ned Leeds, a reporter. Gwen Stacy was a serious girlfriend whom he contemplated on marrying, but was killed by the Green Goblin. Mary Jane was just a friend who helped him grieve and became a girlfriend. Later, Debbie Whitman was not a serious girlfriend. It's Peter Parker.
I'm sorry, there's a lot of women you're naming. This is like a whole bunch of women. So many women.
I can't read all of this. Just keeps going. The Peter Parker defender has logged on. The final sentence is just when he is Spider-Man events in his superhero life make his personal life complicated. Oh, my God. Ain't that the truth? Everybody has the same line excusing his cheating.
People get mad online if you'd like disparage Spider-Man lore. I know that I tweeted the other day I was playing the Spider-Man. I wouldn't know Jeremy. And I tweeted if I was Spider-Man, I would just monetize it.
And like a thousand people came out of the woodwork to be like, he tried that. He can't do it. He can't have a Patreon or a Social Security number.
That was basically what everyone was saying to me. Yeah, but like even in the even in the game, right?
They have an app like a Spider-Man app that people, but that they don't charge you nothing. They don't even run ads on the app. It's ridiculous, Matt. And it's like three really smart guys working on this app. I think none of them are like a little bit on the side, a subscription fee for ninety nine a month. Come on. Like, yeah, no, the whole game is just like Spider-Man being like, man, I can't afford to pay rent.
Anyway, back to being the most famous person alive. Here I am hanging out with Aerosmith.
It's like you can't figure anything out. Big T-shirts. It's too bad, Jeremy.
Going to be like, I guess he figures if I try to monetize it, Uncle May will get shot next. Yeah. Third and twice removed. Who do I have left? Really? Any time I monetize, someone dies.
It does seem like there's a vengeful higher power holding the sword of Damocles over him at all times, waiting for him to have fun once among us. He does so much for this city. We love him here in New York. We love you, Spider-Man. I want to see Eric. Eric Adams hanging out with Spider-Man. Oh, he does all the time. They're best friends. That's what he says.
So I'm not sure if you guys have ever heard of this storyline where it's Peter Parker in the future and he's at Mary Jane's grave and he's like, I'm so sorry. The buildup of my radioactive semen gave you cancer and killed you. I have somehow seen this, and I really have not put in the time to do so.
So it's impressive that that's the time that you put in. I just gave it to you. That's it. That's all you need to know about the storyline.
It was supposed to be this big emotional thing. And now everyone just kind of mocks it nowadays. Right. And I think it's wrong. I think there's a scene where he's holding like a skeleton and the skeleton is completely bare of flesh. But it still has big red hair. That's that's a memory of mine. I'm not sure if it's accurate, but iconic.
They should do a sequel where like just more and more women around New York are getting Spider-Man cancer. They're like, what is happening? Is it is it like the writer heard about how you can get cancer from eating pussy and we're like Spider-Man's girlfriend has this problem. They heard about how, like everyone at NYU got Chlamydia from Timothee Chalamet. Dear God, it's infecting men ahead. Female cancer rates are going up seven thousand percent this month. What the fuck?
Everyone is going down on Peter. That's basically all the answers here. All joking aside, he does so much for this. He's an American hero.
Download the app. Download the Spider Neighborhood app. Spider-Man, patreon dot com slash curators.
Make sure you hit that button. Don't read what it says. OK, let's go.
Yes.
We opened with that guy who lit the inside of his ass on fire. I think you can do it. There's there's those videos where they get a doctor to react to fatalities and like I watched like one ever. Now they do it like every time there's like a DLC character. And he's just like, no, no, no, no. So that that's pretty definitive right there. He's a little grossed out, but he just says no. I love that. I love the idea of a doctor watching a bad punch someone and then he explodes and being like, you can't do that.
This is misleading. You actually can't do that. It's kind of it would be unlikely to rip someone's spine out through their head to pull it out of their body and then tie them up with it. There should be some community notes under this video. I feel I see a reptile shooting acid out of his mouth and dissolving a man alive. But I think to contain that acid is pretty hard to do. Unreal thing when they have when they have gun experts to like critique like Resident Evil's guns, like, OK, that makes sense. Like he goes, this is inaccurate. That's inaccurate. But that's, you know, that you could do that or this gun would work like that.
But the minds behind that video series and we're like, let's get doctors in a Mortal Kombat like parents. You know, old people react to Mortal Kombat fatalities again.
Sure. I understand the appeal there, but there is an appeal and a doctor saying, no, no. I resent when doctors get into the content creating space. You already have money. Get the fuck out of here. Get out of here, you fucking bozo. Go back to your job where you help people. I can't even monetize Mortal Kombat stuff. It gets flagged. Son of a bitch, Dr. Bleecker. Legally, you have to do that at a hospital.
Well, on Quora, they don't think so. But most likely, yeah, this guy says it's all fictional.
I couldn't possibly pull off couple of hair from someone's skull, let alone their whole skull. All right. Sounds like a skill issue. Yeah, it sounds like that's on you, dude. Why don't you try harder? This guy has done a lot of screenshots. Yeah.
And it just says, no, you can't do those things in real life. I think maybe could you punch some just take one fatality, for example, and maybe, OK, so here you go. Someone says, yes, you can burn someone parenthesis, just not from a kiss out of your mouth. You would have to use matches and gasoline and sit on them in the right way. Could you uppercut someone's head so it pops off and explodes a fountain of blood?
I could. Yes, I could. Someone certainly could.
A very like an NBA player who goes to uppercut practice every day for 10 years, maybe on like a baby star. Do it. That's a great example of a guy who almost certainly can uppercut someone so their head flies off in a fountain of blood appears. But then he goes and rescues another dog and lives with them on his ranch.
So you can't be mad at him. No, it can't be mad at it.
We love Dave on here, Dave. The second you answer our emails, Dave, you are welcome to come on.
Is the is there one you could possibly do? Like, I want to say that there is one that's like, yeah, OK, maybe, but none is like, can you grow into a giant and stomp a man? Then what about when they add weapons, maybe like the ones where they chop a guy up 100 times with their snake sword?
Like a take a while. But it would take a while.
But no, no. Baraka has one where you just, OK, you have to attach machetes to your forearms. But then he just he just impales you in your gut and lifts you up like this. And you just slide down the blades like that's that's taken from real life. That happened like one million times in the Civil War, I think. Absolutely. It did as the gangrene and machete lifting off the ground and sliding down a blade are the two biggest reasons for death.
It was brother against brother against Baraka. And you drop Baraka into the Civil War.
I think the history of the United States of America be very different nowadays. Depends on what side he's on. Depends on what side. We're not a political show. We don't want to say which side should have won the Civil War or should have Baraka and his own outworlds have supported. We don't know. Our world seems like they have a certain disposition over there.
There's only like two answers and one's all pictures and one's one guy being doubtful. So that's it. Mostly we're just like, no, it's not possible. And then they go on for like several paragraphs being like, you could not punch someone so hard that their ribs burst out of their chest. Correct. Yeah, yeah. I do not believe so, says one. All right, let's read another one of these questions. Interesting.
Is there a last video game question? I love video game.
This question is, what if Pokemon are real? Oh, shit. What if? I'd be like, what? This is the premise of 10 million YouTube videos. What is what if they were? What if you could catch them? I guess, yeah, the question isn't like, what if they were real? It's what if they are?
Sorry, Matt. What were you saying?
I was going to say, is it they it it just pops in our reality. They are now real or they were always real because it's different. Those are different. I think it's the latter Pokemon are real. I think the question is, this guy is like, what if that's real? Yeah, they did it like we didn't look hard enough. Then it would be monetized.
Yeah, there you go. There you go.
Tournaments like robot wars, but Pokemon Pokemon wars. It would just be some shitty TV show no one watches.
Now you could take the easy option here and just be like those. They're just animals. So you could just make raccoons fight and be like Pokemon. Children do this for money. Just strap a knife to them. Pokemon or like Digimon and more accurately at that point, use bite.
Dark power. You are darkness.
I think the other thing that would have changed is that the closest the world got to world peace in the summer of 2016 never would have occurred because there would have been no Pokemon go. I'd imagine. Wow. It's a damn shame. I was I thought you were going to say like a nuclear thing where like all the countries would be battling to make sure they have Pokemon so that they secure it for military purposes. The United States keeps creating more blast voices. You ever wonder why we have all the Dragon Knights? They're all gone from South America. It's a damn shame. I bet these are the longest tryhard answers on Quora. Yeah. Oh, my God. In the video game sphere, at least.
This one's a list. I appreciate that. Yeah, this guy gave ten things.
First of all, Pokemon were real. I would never get in my house because I would stay outside searching for some decent Pokemon. Thank you, Ozen. First thing that would happen, I would walk more.
This would open up new job opportunities such as Pokemon training, Pokemon breeding, Pokemon nursing, Pokemon researching. This is why politicians need to get on this. They refuse to grow that economy. Pokemon are job creators. There's not enough jobs in breeding.
I've always said that. They're like zoos like, yeah, it would created a whole new industry aside from our regular animals, but they're in addition to our regular flora and fauna, right? It's not because I've never seen real animals in Pokemon. Oh, yeah, this is true. And although I feel like sometimes they mess up and they're like, oh, no, look out for that cat or whatever. Yeah. But if Pokemon are just animals, right? That means we're just going to kill them all, right? Because that's what we're doing. That's what happened to normal animals like Pokemon.
We'd all know what they'd be eating them relentlessly. It would just be all milk tanks. Tanks. It would be so expensive to get like a milk burger. We'd have equipment put in so they can't roll out.
That's right, folks. That's what a milk tax moves. How many other ones do I remember? Lots of people treat certain Pokemon as pets, but they're all Pokemon. So it's not like how cats and dogs and other smaller pets get special privileges, right? You know, so. So I there's a lot of moral issues here because someone's meat could be another one's pet. That's right. But I guess it's true, too.
You can have a pet cow. I would not advise it, but hey, with the with the lights off, you can have all kinds of pet cows.
I think you legally can't here. Oh, not in New York City. Well, that's a zoning issue, isn't it?
Yeah. You're going to have weird pets and move out to the suburbs. Yeah.
Get a cow in your living room. They can't go downstairs. You get the world's saddest cow who keeps trying to eat your rug. It's a real opportunity for you.
And there's like a meowth walking around in someone's backyard. Say, hey, ma, there's a weird fucking cat out here.
He throws coins. He's I don't know. I'd say he's exactly like a normal cat bar. The throwing coins, the use of money is different.
Anyway, there's six more examples out here. But there could possibly be a poke number four. There could be. Yeah, there could possibly be a new form of terrorism.
Don't ask me why and how I thought of this. OK, I do like this answer.
A ditto can turn into anything like if there's a president or of any country that has like a pet Pokemon that ditto can just impersonate him and assassination is guaranteed at that point. So there's a million applications here for terror. I've actually been reading some blogs that indicate Ditto has already been impersonating many celebrities and politicians who have already been executed by the state. Q has revealed to you all the ditto politicians.
If you look closely, you'll see they don't have a whole eyeball. They just got those guys. I would love to spread that rumor and get all the Q and I people be like, well, get Joe Biden's eyes. The drove by to just be like, I'm just Irish. That's what it looks like. And we're back doing Joe Biden.
That was every week. It happens every week, folks.
OK, do we need to read all the agents is very strong. It's a strong it's a strong theory. There are great world building opportunities.
This post also ends with thank you for reading. Appreciate it. You're welcome. This guy also says, lastly, I think people would be happier overall. Sure. Every time you see a cute wild Pokemon, you will realize that everything everyone was meant to be and you have a purpose in life and you will just smile and move on knowing that great adventure await you. Sure. Yeah, I'd say the last one is cures my depression that I have.
Now, when there's a hitmonlee in a field, there's a guy with a gun. It says if Pokemon were real, real people, people would hunt Pokemon for reasons other than playing Pokemon Go. And that's just we would kill that a real photo of like an animal being shot with a gun.
I don't want to think about it. Well, you won't be seeing that on our YouTube page, so who knows? Enjoy the censored icon. I think this may finish up our video game segment. Probably Pokemon being real is that it's not a sustainable environment.
Shut up. Boo. No one cares about that.
They've taken the Oval Office. Let's what does he have some reasoning with that or is it just like that's the statement? I already closed it in disgust, but we will pull it back up. Theological elements of Pokemon for the fact that war turtles are supposed to live for centuries or that certain Pokemon are from dreams or random events makes Pokemon an ecosystem. Some of them are from dreams. Grow up. It's highly unlikely.
Fuck you. We're going to see where you work. That's up. Fuck you, Andrew.
Oh, he's a filmmaker. Yeah, so we're all doing the same thing. OK, great. I just like that answer.
So it was like, well, if Pikachu is real, it's almost like he can't be. He's not because of that. He's got time to grow up. The amount of voltage contained within his cheeks is not possible. Doctor here, it's highly unlikely. We're making you to be real. Doctors react to Pokemon. That's not real. A lot of hot series ideas. I'm the Jade Goodall of Pokemon. That's not real.
OK, let's go to our romance segment, core romance. Let's pull that up. Here we go. Cool.
Matt, one of the subjects that you said that you're an expert on is hentai. So I found us a act. That's what you said. That you begged what you said. The DM did not say it. If I remember correctly, it was please only give me hentai questions. If you want me at my most knowledgeable, he said. You know what? I did say that.
Well, we have a lot of questions for you now that the comedy section ends. And now this is just research.
This question is, is watching hentai acceptable for my Christian beliefs? Hmm. I mean, it doesn't say it in the Bible, baby. That's the ones that deal with devil worship, which there is a subgenre. Then no, I would imagine if it doesn't deal with that, I guess it would fall under the same grounds as just regular pornography. God's cool with you jacking off to cartoons as long as the devil's not in it. It's been a while since I've been a theology school anime devil. You've been more devilish. He has bigger abs than the devil normal. I would there is a weird loophole here where you're almost like, well, it's not real people, so maybe it's better for God to do it.
That's just drawings, baby. That's just using that brain I gave you. This is like a weird daddy guy who watches you in his back. Just go, go do what you want. The heavenly daddy. I'm cool, God. You've been bad today. I'm going to send a flood. If you want to tour that anime hentai, you can do it.
There is. That's that's the rights that I've given you. There is one answer. There's two answers. One person says, since they're your beliefs, you must decide.
Boring. Useless.
And then there's pictures of hentai sent to him. OK, thank you. And then someone else says hentai meaning perversion equals less than no. And they have a bunch of things from I have that tattooed on my arm. Corinthian 613, you say food for the stomach and the stomach for food and God will destroy them both. The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord.
Who cares? And you'll notice if you are a subscriber to the show, how much more is just us reading the Bible every week? Well, here's a good one, because this one is from Matthew 528. I assume this is the book of Matthew McBuzzles. And the quote is, but I tell you, it says anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Guess what?
There's no women in cartoons.
Those are drawings. That's just my mind. There you go. And that's that's the book of Matthew McBuzzles. It's it's one step above your just imagination. And it's not even a huge step.
So like so I had this restaurant that was like where I used to live just in the suburbs. And it was just like where a few restaurants are clustered one restaurant.
I kid you not. Just its name is hentai. It just says hentai on the interesting bar and sushi. This is this is my Roman Empire and that I think about it at least five times going. What? Well, you got to read. You got to see the kanji on that one. You're going to see what that one means. Is that someone that like, hey, I need to open up a restaurant and their smart alecky 17 year old goes, you should call it hentai. It's a Japanese word meaning tasty.
Yeah, they're like, OK, let me do that. Or is someone just completely like, hey, hey, hey, I'm just going to call it this. And the French language police will not be able to stop because they're totally a thing here. And they'll be like, oh, that's that's an OK word, I guess. I don't know what that means. And that's it.
It's closed down since I've never been inside because I was like, I don't know what's in this is a trap. I will not be photographed walking into a hentai. I hope it's your first option where there's just like the most cynical white devils in Canada who are like, yeah, we're over to a Japanese restaurant. I don't know what the fuck's in there. We'll take the first name suggested and then throw hamburgers on the menu. But like walking through those doors, like knowing or assuming it is a restaurant, is that a sin against your religious beliefs? You don't know what you're getting into when you go in there. You don't know what's going to be in there. Baby, you said when you walk through the door.
Yeah. So what's the answer? That was all the answers. They're all like, who cares?
We have we have many more hentai questions for you. Let's get to them all. Fear not. OK, here's another hentai question. Sir, I have addicted to hentai and I am losing interest in real girls. What should I do? Thank you for addressing me by my full title, sir.
Just just keep going on, going on. I don't keep rocking out there. Keep on trucking, keep on rolling, baby. Fight through it. Runners call this the wall.
Because I'm assuming this person is not going to want to put the work in to to get back on the quote unquote normal track. So I don't even know what I'd say. I'd say just just do what works for you, buddy. Sir, not everyone takes the wife and kids route. Maybe you just live alone with hentai.
Ain't nothing wrong with that.
Body pillows are not that expensive in today's economy. So just go nuts. Buy as many as you want. All the beautiful girls on these pillows. Hey, it's me, God, again. You see how many pillows are out there?
This one has no answer. Drawings on a pillow. I like what I see. This one has no answer, so I'm going to answer for it. I'm going to give the first answer.
I'm going to say just keep go. Just keep go. Just keep rocking on. Just keep rocking on that.
And then our title is CEO of Guilf of the week. I don't remember what that's from last week, I believe.
OK, choose a credential. Just leave that one. That's fine. OK, cool. All right.
Well, do another anti question. There's nothing to say there. Up to this next one.
Interesting. This is a time traveling Viking. Do they do pagans believe in Valhalla? I think Vikings are allowed to jack off to whatever. That's Norse. No. Yeah, exactly. That that those are two different things. I'd like to think I think from the Christian perspective, the Norse worshippers are pagans.
Maybe they really like Mad Max Fury Road. Maybe they like Mad Max Fury Road.
Anyway, you can still enter Valhalla. This is a common misconception.
As long as you are a brave and strong warrior and kill many foes and die in battle. If you're addicted to cartoon porn, it might make you an even braver, even stronger warrior. If I'm rocking to fight for. Yes, something back home. I'm so I'm so into this guy who spends all day watching cartoon porn and is like, I just worry this will affect my combat strength. And your fellow Vikings are like, what are you fighting for? And you're like, I got a cartoon back home.
I got a warm pillow. She's probably cooking a nice stew for me right now. My pillow. That that pillow is fucking someone else.
The answer here is confusing. Valhalla isn't Norse heaven. You aren't chosen to go there based on morals. It's literally just how good of a warrior you are. Also, 98% or more of your pagan ancestors were normal people who went to hell. Very different from Christian hell.
So it might be better. So go be with them.
And by them, I mean the hentai you want. I do like that. I should have put this under the religious category. Most of these are about religion. It's true. Yeah. Yeah, we're learning a lot about Norse mythology. We have more hentai questions.
We have so we don't have to get stuck on this. We don't. We can move.
It doesn't have to be just for Vikings. You could listen no matter what. Here's a relationship one for you, Alex. This also has no answer. So we can be the first to answer this crucial question.
What should I do if my husband chose hentai over me? I've never been comfortable with him reading slash watching it. He's known this. So I gave him the choice between me and hentai. Obviously, he chose the latter.
I view pornography as cheating. What the old ball and chain always watching hentai over my shoulder, shaking her head. I just like that. She was like, it's me or hentai. He was just like, hentai.
What are you talking about? What are these 30 cartoon cheerleaders got that I ain't got? Is it a pact with the devil? How can I compete with a camera that can show internally what's happening inside me? It's true.
It's so gross. There's like so much stuff in there that is not anything like sex at all.
It's weird that the question is framed as it's me or hentai. Is that like was that on a particular date or was that like already the ultimatum, like this is the final answer for the rest of your life? Because those are that's heavy. Because if it's the latter, then yes. Wow. That guy that guy answered before the sentence was fully formed and asked between me and he was like hentai. I'm thinking hentai.
I don't care what you say next. I love it. I go to that restaurant every day.
He thought it was the sushi she was talking about. He just loves tuna rolls.
Classic miscommunication. So back the question. So this is confusing thing about Quora is the questions are usually the first sentence is a question and then some like add on bullshit after this one is like that. The question is, what should I do if my husband chose hentai over me? And I think the answer is to become a hentai. Yeah, there you go. Start learning the how you say it.
A hago face. I don't watch this stuff. That was my best. A hago face.
Is that how you say it? Yeah, you're nailing it, baby. You're nailing it. So you had to learn it or in the moves.
Yeah, put in some effort for your cartoon loving husband. How about hire an artist to draw a hentai of the wife? That's a good idea as a gift to said the one shouldn't have to do this.
This is ridiculous. She should leave him. It's clearly not a match.
But for the purposes of this show, the answer would be hire a hentai artist. See if that like is a transitional element to real sex. Step one, save up some money. This is going to take a while. You've got to hire an animator. You need a man to draw you sexually. There's there's there's hentai animators that just have patrons and they'll just do like a 30 second.
That's right. One of them is Peter Parker. I have not I have not done this, but to believe me. Thirty seconds, I'm sure it's reasonably priced.
But if this was in the 2000s, then, yeah, she's she's spending a mil easy to get the production started. You're going to a studio casting. There'll be a lot of back end costs there. You have to go to the non-union voice actors, get Goku to do your sexy voice.
OK, well, leave him. You're not a match and he is going to hell. Yeah, he's going to hell.
But it's the pagan. Yeah, Norse hell where all of his ancestors are. So that's fine. He sits at the table with Odin.
OK, I think this is our last one. I think this should be our last one. OK, we have another one we probably shouldn't do on the Internet. OK, this will be the last one.
In hentai anime like Mistreated Bride, Rincon Club, Ohtami Dori, household names, you know, such as like Brad Pitt. Women are shown to give in to pleasures. Are real women just faking emotions like trust? Trust is a good example of the emotion women are just faking. Trust, emotions, happiness, anger, trust. All the cartoons I watch, women like getting getting fucked. But the women I meet don't like it. Are they all liars? Why does lying come to women so easily?
This one has no answers either. I like that there's an answer that starts with, OK, a wild guess. No, this is for a different question. Quora is a bad website. Can I just say that again? It's very hard to use.
So are real women faking emotions like trust? We asked the podcast. I say they're not. I'm an ally.
I can see that this question was was added by anonymous, but I can see that it originally came with a video that is now for some reason. As it removed. It's no longer on YouTube. And I'm sure it was copyright strike.
Doctors reacting to the head. I'd be like, that can't happen. That's not. No, you can't burn the inside of your asshole for three feet. Doctor here. And he's just jacking off. It's like they're the human body can't grow that many penises and tentacles out of it. It's just there's no medical history that shows that.
Yeah. No, I don't think real women are about that stuff at the same time. If this is this is the most serious question in the sense that this guy like not watches and tie, but believes in it. It's a Peter Pan situation, right? Exactly.
So I think the question is hard to even answer that because I don't think this guy would like the answers anyway. This question has no answers on it, but I'm going to request an answer from Dr. Jordan Peterson and see if that does anything. And we'll check it a function. Cora does like we literally tag people in other questions. The real Jordan beaters of this question. And then maybe he'll answer.
He's received. He does use the website. He will be receiving seems up his alley.
And we want to know if in a hint, I like mistreated bride Rincon Club, Otome Dori, and never be as good as Rincon Club. Oh, doctor here. It's impossible to mistreat a bride.
OK, we shouldn't do the last one. We shouldn't do.
Let's ask a question. Do we have any questions? Do you have any questions? You want to ask Quora dot com? You have a burning question that you've always wanted to ask, but you never knew where to turn for answers. Hit me on the spot. Do you have any questions? I love to ask questions. OK, what about we will have to answer it next week at the beginning of our episode.
So we might not want to do another hentai episode. The two in a row does seem like a lot. But how about just why isn't Godzilla in any hentai? All right, fine. I'm sure he is. I see the question you had written out there was, is hentai real? Anime waifus that are drawn to like they kind of have Godzilla armor on, like so it's like their head inside the Godzilla's mouth. Oh, that's a whole other thing. Now, have people animated scenes around those characters?
That I don't know. Not an expert. But I don't know this.
Godzilla is a pure creature. You can't you can't besmirch. I would maybe thinking of amending our question to be more open ended so we don't get so stuck on hentai next week and just changing it to what if Godzilla had a human girlfriend?
OK, that's a great question. That's one of the great questions of our time.
What if Godzilla had a human girlfriend? I'm going to predict that a lot of people are going to correct us and say Godzilla is a woman.
And I'm going to say, so what? So what? Tag Jordan Peterson, put it online.
Godzilla is a they them. Yeah, that's fine. And in the 1998 American Matthew Broderick film, Godzilla is asexual in that film. So there you go. The Godzilla in that one has eggs, right? There's the whole scene with the eggs. Yeah, they're like, oh, there's a there's this lizard in Guatemala that is asexual and just lays the life finds a way, you know, which is why it's an error when people say Godzilla.
Now there's a whole lot of woman and they need to stop saying stuff like that. Well, that's going to be a podcast for today.
We had a lot of fun here. Matt, thanks so much for coming on. Where can our viewers find you at home and abroad? Well, I am a white, overweight man with a beard.
So you can find me on YouTube where I where I review bad fighting games on my channel, Matt McMuscles, and also tell you what happened with the game developments of certain games or a complete disaster as I talk to the developers and get the inside baseball on that stuff. So, yeah, that's pretty much it. I also do another podcast myself all about fighting games.
Coincidentally enough, called Triple K O with two gentlemen that are much more well versed in the subject than me. Justin Wong and Maximilian, dude. So, yeah, do check that out. These are three strong men.
We are also on YouTube dot com. Check out our podcast where it comes out every Monday. If you would like an additional podcast every Thursday, we have more of those on patreon dot com slash for Raiders. That is also where we go on Reddit and other websites and stuff.
Yeah.
That's what it goes on over there. You get it. That's it. All right. That's been the show another week.
I'm dusting my hands of it. Bye bye. |
dropout | outtakes_sex_daddies_celebrate_father_s_day | This is the one day a year when daddy can get it, but dads are impossible to show up, not dads. What if I just send a picture of my big hog because I'm usually blindfolded so he can use me like his cum-dum-cockslee.
You respectful, Raph. Well. It's just the same.
You know, like a daddy. Like a bump in the night, dad. Like a sex dad.
No. Nothing like that.
I beg my daddy, daddy, please, but daddy, sorry. I beg my daddy, daddy, please, but daddy won't get me. Fuck! I can't look at Raph.
Well, what do your daddies like? That's the one. Well, my daddy up and disappeared a day ago. One day ago. He just went to work. Anyway, what did you ask? Daddy, oh daddy, that's so deep.
Oh no, I can take it. I can take it.
Put it there. Leave it there.
I don't think you get it. Fuck, daddy. You didn't get it. He didn't see. I didn't get it.
What's happening to your chair? I will pick it up from the head.
Yeah, it's like, it's like astronauts ice cream down there. I don't get wet. I have a penis. Yeah, they still get wet. Jesus, everyone gets wet and hard.
We just need to not have genders anymore. That better make the cut. You know, the Hallmark store has a daddy section. What's in it? Slam pinky banks. Daddy. Big Daddy, 1999. Starring Adam Sandler. Some little boy that didn't do shit after that. Cole Sprouse. Is it really? Riverdale. I have no idea. The Sprousers are daddy's fucking alley. Oh, daddy like.
Hey, it's Grant from College Humor. Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
Sorry. Guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out? Because I can like, I can see the top of the camera. So it's, is this better? Alright, it feels worse. Okay. Thanks for watching. |
dropout | honest_trip_to_the_doctor | Hi! I'm here for my annual physical. I haven't been in years because I didn't have health insurance. Great!
Fill out this stack of paperwork that you know none of the information for and wait an hour after your scheduled appointment to be seen. Really? An hour? Even though there's literally no one else here. Mm-hmm. Step on in.
Time for a canned joke about getting weighed. I am laughing but I tie a lot of my personal value to the number on the scale and if it's too high I'm gonna be devastated. Hey, can I waste your time by acting like taking off my jacket's gonna make any difference at all? I don't want to tear this paper but I don't know why I give a shit because it's just paper.
Hi, I know that you waited long but I'm still gonna say that I hope you didn't. Oh, that's okay. I've just been on my cell phone despite all the signs telling me not to. Now, I know what you're thinking and yes, I am younger than you. Yeah, that's what I thought.
Well now I'm wondering are you qualified but also what am I doing with my life? Let's get started. Tell me everything that's wrong with your family.
Interesting. Now you could have all of that or none of that. Either way most likely we won't be able to tell until it's too late. Okay.
Now I can tell just by looking at you how much you exercise but I'm still gonna have to ask. Every day but I do consider walking from the couch to the toilet exercise. Great, while you're lying let's talk about how much you drink. Oh god, the real number shocks even me but if I say it out loud it's kind of cementing a problem, right? So let's just say like one or two times a week. Shit-faced every weekend, gotcha. I can't believe I have to ask this one but do you smoke? Were we not clear that that's a terrible thing to do to your body? I do smoke but only weed and since I was so honest about that I don't feel bad about lying about that other stuff.
Cool, well all of that really doesn't tell me much of anything so let's get you checked out. Okay. 120 over 80? Oh good, I have no idea what that means.
And breathe like a weirdo. Gross.
Anything else before you leave? I guess there's this one tiny thing that bothers me every day but I do nothing about it. Let me write your prescription for that so that this annual physical that's supposed to be covered by your insurance is now a consultation visit that you have to pay for. But don't worry, you won't find out until you get the bill in the mail.
Well thank you so much. I'll see you never again. Hi, I'm Jess. If you like that subscribe to Dropout where you can become a part of the exclusive Dropout Discord. I can even tell you my secret for solving one of these. Just take this.
Hey-o! Genius! Alright! Who's the smarty pants now? |
cracked | week_in_douchebaggery_ashley_alexandra_dupre_and_more_3_14 | It's Friday, March 14th, 2008, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and we have no time for opening sequences. And I will, I will, rock you. Stomp stomp clap.
Congress. Democratic leaders in Congress agreed yesterday to a closed session to debate legislation about surveillance. The good news is, is that if the legislation is approved, we'll soon be able to listen in on all future closed-door sessions.
Douchebag number 3. Ashley Alexandra Dupre.
An aspiring singer and an already successful prostitute thanks to her dalliances with disgraced New York governor Elliot Spitzer, well, she could use her current international news coverage to launch a music career. Industry experts predict, however, that she may well struggle as she still has way too much class to be a leading female pop star. I'm saying some pop starlets don't even make you pay to disgrace their vaginas. You know, I'm going to level with you for a second. We originally planned to roll a bunch of the pictures of your pop starlets over on the side here, you know, your Britneys, your Lohans, your Hiltons, all of whom at this point, regardless of their evident lack of talent, could be classified as pop starlets of some sort. But in addition, you know, with the drug use and their ongoing depravity and all that, they're famous for all the wrong reasons, and they're not that funny anymore because they're so pathetic.
We had a tough, long, heart-to-heart here at Cracked Headquarters, and eventually we decided to show you this picture of a monkey. Hey, it's Friday. Who doesn't want to see a monkey? Back to business.
Douchebag number two. Whoever invented disease. A two-year-old child in England who has contracted an extremely rare disease is surviving due to receiving four daily doses of Viagra. In a related story, actually, Alexandra Dupree has interestingly also been surviving thanks to someone else's taking four daily doses of Viagra. Douchebag number one.
The creators of televisions lost. I mean, can you believe they killed off Jack last night? I just totally freaked out everyone who T-bowed the show and hasn't watched it yet. I'm just kidding. Jack didn't die.
Desmond did. That's it for today's edition of the News on Cracked. Get 1,000 of your closest friends to watch today's episode or I'm going to get fired. And then who will make jokes about Elliot Spitzer? Oh, that's right. Everyone else. |
dropout | the_church_for_people_who_are_spiritual_but_not_religious | Welcome. We are gathered here today because we are spiritual, but not like religious, you know? I don't believe in organized religion except for Eastern religion which I am interested in. It's just like deep river. We are here today because we reject the bullshit from one book so we can cherry pick and choose the bullshit we like better from a whole bunch of different books. Do we believe in a God with a capital G?
Maybe. Maybe not. We haven't decided yet. But tell me that when you look at a son satin over a hill, you don't feel a connection to something greater.
I believe in an energy that connects us, binds us together, and it's vibratin' and stuff. You know what I mean? Totally. I get it. Now everyone open your Twitter feeds to at depatchopra. Our innermost awareness is a portal to divinity. That is so vague, but I know exactly what he means. Jacob. Hello everybody.
I would like to read a passage from the Moleskine. I write ideas and when I'm stoned.
What if God isn't a he? What if he is a she? Or a deer?
Hear me out. I was at a music fest.
I was outside takin' a piss. And this deer walks up and we make intimate eye contact. And he just started pissin'. He was pissin' as soon as I was pissin'.
It was one of the most spiritual things that I've ever experienced. And I like this in remembrance of the first time that I did mushrooms.
I don't believe in hell and heaven, but I'm on the fence about reincarnation. I'm on the stage.
Thank you for joining me today. It is so nice to talk to intelligent individuals who can rationally see that science hasn't figured it all out. Yeah. We get you. Now if you'll all open your meditation apps on your phone and set it to 15 minutes.
But first, let's all give each other a hug and let the physics of love clean your chakras. Oh, those are some good hugs. Oh, what a nice hug over here. You two hugged back there.
Come here. Oh, yeah. Now that's a good fuckin' hug. Thank you. I give many fucks. Please, click. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Mysterious_Outbreak_Cops_Out_West_Scotty_s_Coping_Mechanisms_More_July_9 | Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate weekly news board and some sorry news down south as the community cases continue to grow old gold standard Gladys is finally up against a situation that she can't bluff her way out of and it's looking pretty grim for the people of Greater Sydney things are fine in the Diamantina Shire we had a as Wendell pointed out in the bulletin last week we had a false positive but it did put the fear of God in the people of the Diamantina Shire for about 12 hours there my name is Clancy Overall editor of the Batutah Advocate joined by Errol Parker how are you Errol?
Good mate and because out here in the in the Diamantina we aren't a marginal seat and we're obviously held under power by the National Party so our our health services out here are completely useless they're archaic they're from the mid 50s but because this seat is in no danger of being taken by you know the likes of the catters or the shooters of fishers we're not going to get any more health services out here so you know the virus if it ever makes it out here could do a little bit of damage for you know the mild cold it is yeah no there's no no oxygen tanks no ventilators that's for sure in the Batutah base hospital I'll just leave you under a boree tree to die I think they still had an iron lung last time I went in there to get my appendix out I saw that in one of the back rooms but I thought you got your appendix out at the vet no no no that was the cyst I had on my loins right so the vet didn't do your vasectomy as well no okay Wendell what's making news mate well we are gonna start off with the hub of the news cycle this week the first story is 35 cases how did this happen says Sydney man who went to Ikea Messina and Bondi yesterday yes that giant cesspit they call Sydney is in a bit of strife this week the spread of the Delta variant has turned into a full-blown outbreak with cases spreading outside the Bondi bubble to the Greater Sydney region and as the case numbers continue to grow we broke a story about a Sydney resident who just could not comprehend how this thing blew up yes Miles Tanner who lives near one of those beaches down there told our reporter via telephone that he'd been heading out to do essential things like popping into the Swedish furniture mega store Ikea to buy a lamp or grabbing something from the popular ice cream chain Messina or go for a stroll with friends in Bondi along the promenade just the day before but he said that was all legal just like it was for his athleisure-wearing girlfriend who was going for catch-ups with her friends multiple times of the week and drinking wine out of water bottles in the park yes they truly are very unlucky down there in Sydney those poor bastards down there yeah Miles Tanner says he has no idea how these cases are spreading Western Sydney Miles Western Sydney which leads us into our next story with the New South Wales government sending an extra hundred cops out west to ensure and I quote here the wogs adhere to the restrictions that Bondi ignored yes the crackdown comes after the premier Gladys Berejikli announced 44 new cases yesterday after a fortnight of this cluster pinballing around Bondi right until it made its way into the ethnic communities out west that's led an immediate change in tone from the authorities who are now telling Western Sydney communities to stay the fuck at home or get locked up and stop being selfish idiots obviously they'd never speak to the East like that given the amount of angry press they'd cop from the media elite so the failings of the government are now being pushed out onto the motorways for the people in the West to deal with yeah don't know how it's so hard for these people in Western Sydney to get it into their heads we've had clear consistent messaging the whole way so not sure what they're not understanding anyway moving along there's been lots of questions asked about what is happening on a federal level and we wrote a story about that one that was about the Prime Minister churning through his collection of Hillsong rock albums to drown out the nation demanding answers yes the big bloke in chief reckons this country sounds like his nagging wife right now haha where are the vaccines which vaccines are safe where can we get them why isn't hardcore quarantine working blah blah blah blah give the leader of the nation a fucking break he says so with Australia miles behind the titans of health care like the United States Scotty has been forced to put on some of his favorite Christian rock tunes to see out the week he's flicked the email to out of office and he'll be back to take the credit for something you know next week or the weekend doing his bloody head in he reckons now some positive news from out here in Western Queensland and a retail employee has abolished state QR check-in laws after a customer explained to her that they're bullshit yes very true Wendell a local law student working in the retail sector has been heaped with praise this week Melanie Whittenhall says she's had a run-in with an older Australian who refused to sign in using the QR code before going on a rant about how they're being used to control Australians and make life hard for people like her blah blah blah so given Mel makes the rules she heard the old girl out and went to Parliament House and change the legislation just like that yes be the change you want to see in the world great stuff from young Mel there at the ripe young age of 23 she's already enacted a significant piece of progressive legal policy inspiring stuff sports news now and a bloke clinging on to his vague Italian ancestry during the euros says his family come from the north yeah the European Championships of football is about to reach its crescendo with millions of people around the world turning up their accents and banging on about their distant European heritage blokes who spent 12 months in London and have a British grandfather are talking about it coming home while third generation Italians can't stop going on about a Zuri yes we spoke to one of the fans name was Angus Jones and he said his Italian heritage comes from the north of the country and he'll be representing that hard when his team takes on the English tomorrow morning well Angus I think the rest of the free world is with you because the English are going to get what's coming to them it's coming Rome it would be an unbearable few months if it doesn't go to Rome I think anyway that's all I've got in front of me for our news wrap this week unless you guys have got anything else to add we'll probably leave it on that night I'm a pretty bloody quiet up here in the diamond Tina this week I wish we could say the same about people in Sydney but you know if you're listening to this when you down in Sydney don't give up because always remember that the people in Melbourne had it harder than you so you can't complain you don't know what they went through remember don't know what they went through one more thing the head of the marketing at the Battuta Base Hospital has told me they've got 18 vials of Pfizer available and ready to go into arms so please make your way I think all of those are going to go to the boys at the Hooton school yeah like Keith Carton's son he's our mayor up here I'm gonna be a few other and Judge Stevens' son's gonna get one on what's his fucking name I think Clancy you promised me you'd get me one of those doses yeah well unfortunately you're not a fortunate son so it ain't me well Wendell mate I bought a bunch of Sputnik ones on on Alibaba so you can have a Russian jab if you want I'm gonna get one of those this afternoon you only need to take one of those hey they do the job they do mate and then they and then I might you won't be catching much after you have a Sputnik let me tell you that much right oh well I think that's the one for me yeah Billy it |
dropout | we_ll_buy_this_guy_s_dreadlocks_banana_for_2_600_if_you_like_our_facebook_post | By now, I'm sure you've heard of the New Hampshire man, Henry Griebum, who spent his life savings of $2600 trying to win an Xbox Kinect for his kids at a carnival game. Instead of winning the Xbox Kinect, though, he won a giant banana with dreadlocks. A tragic tale of deceitful, evil carneys taking advantage of an eager father. Well, guess what, Henry Griebum.
Guess what, CollegeHumor.com is prepared to buy that banana from you for the full price of $2600. All we need is for 26,000 people to like this post. That's 10 cents per like. And if we get to 26,000 likes, we will buy that banana for the full price of $2600. But wait, there's more. If we get to 30,000 likes, 30,000 likes on this post right here, we will also buy Henry's kids an Xbox Kinect, because no kid should be without an Xbox Kinect.
Alright, everybody wins. Everybody wins.
Henry gets his money back, alright, and he gets an Xbox Kinect for his kids. And we here at CollegeHumor, we get a giant banana with dreadlocks. Something we've all been asking our boss for for years and years and years. Plus, this is a really great time to show those evil, deceitful little rat bastard carneys that we're not afraid of them anymore. So if anybody knows Henry Griebum out there, if anybody watching knows him, tell him to email savebananaman at gmail.com to claim his prize.
And please, don't forget to like the post. I'm not pointing, it probably looks like I'm pointing to my private parts. I'm not. Just go down and like this post. Thanks for watching. |
CrackerMilk | forcing_our_friend_into_couples_therapy_ft_hundar | Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of the cracker milk podcast. We are joined by a very special guest. He somehow has avoided all of the COVID restrictions, snuck onto a plane, probably in the undercarriage. I'm pretty sure I saw him slit the throat of a small shih tzu and climb into the cage to get to Brisbane, Australia. And he's sitting with us right now.
It's a big knife. Red from muscle party.
He smells, he smells great. Those things like mint. Well, you smell so good bread being right in front of us right next to me. Especially after cutting the throat of that dog. Yeah. You really smell like a wet dog as well. I can't smell any of you because I do have COVID. So it's good for you to join us.
How are you feeling? How was the plane ride? It was very bumpy. Lightning struck the wings.
Um, they only served orange Fanta. And then I'm going to slowly be slipping into a, an inadvertent accent just from hanging out with you, by the way. So I swear on your life. None of us fucking say Fanta.
That's fucked up. That's disgusting.
Brett, there is a reason you've come all this way. And I understand you have been having a few issues with your life partner, Tom and that's him right here, right next to you. Um, how about you guys? How about you guys give each other a quick hug just to show that you guys are in a relationship. Sure. Oh, look at that hug. He's hugging forward and I hug to the side.
That's how we do it. There we go. Yeah. That's lovely. We're having connection issues, so you get, you get the problem. Yeah, you get, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's fine. He's in the room. Now look, we're not going to get into too much just yet. We want to start from the bottom. So when I go into the shower sometimes, so me and Brett live together in the same house, we share a shower as we do as a couple, right? Yeah.
And so, yes, so I, sometimes Brett will have had the shower in the morning. Brett gets up very early for work. I get up maybe nine or 10. I have a bit of a more relaxed life. Okay.
I go into the shower after Brett and I noticed that this, the floor's a bit sticky. And I say to Brett, I say, Brett, I confront him in the afternoon when he gets home from work. I say, Brett, the floor of the shower is sticky as though you've been, you've been jacketed in there. You've been wanking and there's cum on the floor.
And Brett, Brett denies it. I'm sick of it. It wasn't me. Now, see, look, look, look, look, I'm just going to intervene here because obviously it's getting a bit heated.
The one thing I'm thinking is happening is that Brett's in the shower and he's getting a little parched. And so he's having a sip of a Fanta. And because the shower is a bit slippery, he goes, whoopsie, my Fanta. And then it just goes all over the floor. Brett, because there's sugar all in that, it just makes it all sticky on the floor. It's really hard to get out of the shower.
Brett, how do you feel about that? Sorry, who are you? We'll discuss that soon. I agree with this stranger. Especially sticky. Yeah. See, see, that's interesting. Um, now I agree to disagree, Brett. Yeah.
Well, the thing is I want to just intervene again. I did, I did visit, um, on Tom's. Tom wanted me to come over and just check out the location and see how you guys are coping.
I did try the Fanta on the floor. Now there is a sweet, citrusy, sticky flavor, but the problem is it does taste a little bit like cummies. Don't ask how I know. If you've detected the citrus, do you think maybe the problem is on Fanta's part? That perhaps their soda pop is becoming more cummy than usual. That's a really interesting question. Are you the Fanta representative? The co-founder of Fanta.
Look, we've been trying out a few new recipes. We've been trying to add a few things here and there. I actually don't know what they've been adding into it, but I do know that we are coming up with a few new flavors and we do have a few, like, you know, we're hiring a lot of people from prisons. You know, we're trying to give them, give them jobs and not, not from prison.
Sorry. I, uh, what, what's the, what are they called?
Prisons. Prisoners. That's the one. Uh, so we're, we're hiring prisoners and look, we just let them do whatever they want.
I want you to, to hold hands. I want you to look into the, into the eyes of one another. And I want you to say, I forgive you for the cummies on the floor. This is hard for me to do, Brett. We'll say it at the same time. Look at these guys here. Brett, because we're perfectly synced.
I have to say, I forgive you for the cummies? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Shouldn't I be like, I forgive the prison industrial system? Oh, I'm sorry.
Is this your therapy or am I running the therapy, Brett? This is the problem, Brett.
So hold the fucking hand and you say sorry for those cummies. Well, because we're in the same room, Brett, we should easily be able to sync our words here. So on three, we'll just say, I'm sorry for the cummies. One, two, three. I'm sorry for the cummies.
Very good. All right, you can stop. We're so in sync, Brett, and that's why I love you. Why don't Tom, give him a quick kiss on the cheek, mate. Oh, lovely. You've done that out of camera. Your face illuminates, like the way that light bounces powerfully off of your face and into my eyes when I look at you. So thank you. What I want to get into, and this is something that I find quite important is, look, well, Brett, look, the problem is Tom actually organized this, as we know.
And now the representative of Fanta is here because, yes, of course, it's important to know the subtle nuances of Fanta. But I think there's another reason that there was a citrusy Fanta on the floor. And I don't think it's just because you were drinking Fanta. I think it was because you are having a secret affair with the representative of Fanta. It kind of comes down to the core issue, which is that I love Fanta more than people.
I literally suck the dick of whoever gets me closest to the product. So, Brett, when we first started dating, I was orange and shaped like a Fanta bottle. I had a very large shoulder. Sorry, what's Fanta? Sorry, Fanta. So I misspoke there. Yes. I was shaped like a Fanta bottle and I had very large shoulders at a very tight waist. And you love that about me. And you would love to unscrew my cap and guzzle me down. But now that I'm an empty husk with no Fanta left in me, the label's fallen off.
That's how long it's been. I just feel like you're trying to move on to some other Fanta, maybe a different flavor. There's a lot of great flavors. I think you're ready for recycling. That's not the end of the line for a bottle. That's a new beginning. That's very interesting. Wow. Are you listening to what he's saying? He wants to try something new. He's trying to tell you, Hey, I've had all the Fanta in you, but let's get the more Fanta in you so I can drink it again.
Very important.
And now when he came to me, we're covered in dog blood after cutting the throat of a small puppy, I was inspired to create a new flavor. And that's why we came up with the raspberry Fanta. Wow. And now let me clarify, is that with real dog blood? Yes. The thing that's important is Brett, did you have some involvement in the creation of the raspberry Fanta flavor? It was frightening for me at first to be a part of a product that I revere so highly, you know, it would be like Jesus Christ stepped down and said, Hey, do you want to help me build a piece of heaven? Of course. Once I got that knife in my hand, I couldn't stop stabbing dogs. It became, that's what I found. So it's a true calling. Now, let me tell you something now.
Brett came up to me and he said, I said, Hey Brett, how are you? And he said, I'm great. I'm feeling good loafing it, loafing it. He said, I'm loafing it. Um, and of course he, at the time, now this is how I knew something was wrong.
He wasn't drinking Fanta. He was drinking cake of Kayla. And the thing about cake of Kayla is that's an emotional drink.
You're feeling quite emotional. And he said to me, I've just checked a few emails and I've seen a few things. And I feel like Tom isn't being truthful. So do you want to go into that, Tom? Yeah, well, I didn't want to bring this up Brett, and I'm sorry that we have to. Um, I really appreciate that you're looking at me right now Brett. Cause you're right next to me. Um, and so, uh, okay. I'm coming clean for the last six months, Brett, ever since, um, fur con 2020 in the middle of last year. I, um, and you can see my constituent is, um, very guilty, very guilty.
I, I, I met, I met a man. I'm not just a man, but a dog. I met a man in a dog suit and he dressed up like a small Shih Tzu. And it reminded me of you. And I just, I, one thing led to another. And here, here, here they are.
It's, it was the representative of Fanta. It was the representative of Fanta.
I have a lot of questions beginning with how much blood do you think he has inside of him? See, this is what's interesting in this. This is what's interesting in this.
He's, he's told me that because he's, because he's in the Shih Tzu suit, he actually covers himself in Shih Tzu blood because it's really not authentic apparently at fur con, unless you smell of dog blood. Correct? Correct. I think that's part of the reason why I went to, to fur con. Tell us in graphic detail, what happened to fur con. I wanted to get an insider insider, like look inside of perspective. Cause I was, you know, as you do, you refer new flavors. Yeah. Because you're a furry. No, incorrect. I was undercover as, but you're a furry, but you were a furry undercover as a furry. Brett, do you think Elias is a furry?
Yeah. I'm a, I'm a furry when we met him. Yeah. Oh, you were aware, you knew. Yeah. It's important. It's hard to, it's hard to hide really. Isn't it? Yeah.
I mean, how could you not know, I suppose, Brett, with the, um, with the, the whole Shih Tzu suit that he had on and the little red stiffy that he had, you know, dogs get that little red stiffy. I want to go into that for a sec, Brett. Did he say to you, and this is important because there's a lot of cultures where this sort of statement can be quite offensive, but did he say to you, did he say to you, yiffy, yiffy, I have a big stiffy. Did he say that? Yes. Brett, you don't need to, Brett, we have it. We have it. Thank you for your honesty, Brett. Now let's, um, let's, we're just going to direct the conversation over to you.
How fucking dare you, you pig. How dare you? Hey, I'm not a pig. I'm a fucking Shih Tzu cunt.
And you're a good one at that, mate. Thank you. Who's a good boy? Me. Who's a good boy? Me. Can you lick your own cock?
Yes. Wow. Round of applause for him. Very good. Round of applause for him. Thank you.
I think we have come so far today. I've come a long way. With our couples therapy.
What do we want to do? Do we want to have a love triangle, a polyamorous relationship, or perhaps, hear me out, we get Brett's tactical knife. We gut the Shih Tzu, drink his blood, put it in some Fanta and have a swell old time. I like that option. Brett, what would you prefer, mate? Whatever is best for the brand. You know, Fanta stand till the end, baby. What can I say? So it's, you know.
Fanta 2021. Fuck this cunt. He's gone. Fanta 2021.
We kill the dog.
Thank you for listening to another episode of the Cracker Milk podcast. Thank you. That's beautiful. Please go over to Muscle Party and subscribe to Brett because he is a good cunt.
Brett, do you have an idea of what our patron members are this time? Could they be like little like new bottles of Fanta? Can we talk? I'm still can we know like they are like little snack size bottles?
Of course they can.
That's perfect. That's it. Perfect.
Well, we're all here in Australia. We've got the Australian government now banging at our door because they know that Brett has COVID.
He's a super spreader. He's been everywhere he could. And he is actively spitting in people's mouths.
So we have to go to get out of here. You have a good one, OK? Goodbye, everyone. Goodbye. I don't want to get my throat cut.
Brett came up to me and he said, I said, Hey, Brett, how are you? And he said, I'm great. I'm feeling good.
Loafing it. He said, I'm loafing it.
And of course, yeah, at the time. Now, this is how I knew something was wrong.
He wasn't drinking Fanta. He was drinking Coca-Cola. And the thing about Coca-Cola is that's an emotional drink.
You're feeling quite emotional. And he said to me, I've just checked a few emails and I've seen a few things. And I feel like Tom isn't being truthful. So do you want to go into that, Tom?
Yeah, well, I didn't want to bring this up, Brett. And I'm sorry that we have to. I really appreciate that you're looking at me right now, Brett. Because you're right next to me, of course. And so, OK, I'm coming clean. For the last six months, Brett, ever since fur con 2020 in the middle of last year, I and you can see my constituent is very guilty. Covering his eyes. Very guilty.
And it reminded me of you. And I just I one thing led to another. And here here they are. It's it was the representative of it was the representative of Fanta. I have a lot of questions beginning with how much blood do you think he has inside of him?
See, this is what's interesting in this. This is what's interesting in this.
He's told me that's because he's because he's in the Shih Tzu suit. He actually covers himself in Shih Tzu blood because it's really not authentic, apparently, at fur con. Unless you smell of dog blood.
Correct? Correct.
I think that's part of the reason why I went to fur con. Tell us in graphic detail what happened to fur con. I wanted to get inside a inside a like look inside a perspective because I was, you know, as you do, you're in for new flavors because, yeah, because you're a fairy. No, incorrect. I was undercover as but you're a furry. But you were a fur undercover as a furry. Brett, do you think Elias is a furry?
Yeah. I'm a furry when we met him. Yeah. Oh, you were aware. You knew. Yeah. It's important. Yeah, it's hard to it's hard to hide, really, isn't it? Yeah. I mean, how could you not know?
I suppose, Brett, with the with the whole Shih Tzu suit that he had on and the little red stiffy that he had, you know, dogs get that red stiffy. I want to go into that for a sec. Brett, did he say to you, and this is important because there's a lot of cultures where this sort of statement can be quite offensive. But did he say to you, did he say to you, yiffy, yiffy, I have a big stiffy? Did he say that? Yes.
Brett, you don't need to. Brett, we have it. We have it. Thank you for your honesty, Brett. Now, let's let's we're just going to direct the conversation over you.
How fucking dare you, you pig? How dare you? Hey, I'm not a pig. I'm a fucking Shih Tzu cunt.
And you're a good one at that, mate. Thank you. Who's a good boy? Me. Who's a good boy? Me. Can you lick your own cock?
Yes. Wow. Round of applause for him. Very good. Round of applause for him. Thank you.
I think we have come so far today. I've come a long way.
With our couples therapy. What do we want to do? Do we want to have a love triangle, a polyamorous relationship, or perhaps hear me out. We get Brett's tactical knife. We got the Shih Tzu, drink his blood, put it in some Fanta and have a swell old time. I like that option. Brett, what would you prefer, mate? Whatever is best for the brand. You know, Fanta stand till the end, baby. What can I say?
So it's, you know, Fanta 2021. Fuck this cunt. He's gone. Fanta 2021.
We kill the dog.
Thank you for listening to another episode of the Cracker Milk podcast. Thank you. That's beautiful. Please go over to Muscle Party and subscribe to Brett because he is a good cunt.
Brett, do you have an idea of what our Patreon members are this time? Could they be like little like new bottles of Fanta? Can we talk? I'm still can we know like they are like little snack size bottles?
Of course they can.
That's perfect. That's it. Perfect.
Well, we're all here in Australia. We've got the Australian government now banging at our door because they know that Brett has Covid.
He's a super spreader. He's been everywhere he could. And he's actively spitting in people's mouths.
So we have to go to get out of here. You have a good one, OK? Goodbye. I don't want to get my throat cut. |
TheOnion | Nation_Agrees_Justin_Bieber_s_Inevitable_Meltdown_Could_Be_Interesting_To_Watch | Cancer topples Hugo Chavez in a bloodless coup. A poll finds that 99% of human beings would prefer a big slobbery hound dog pope. And Andrea Bocelli is smelling the shit out of a red rose. It's time once again for the brilliant metaphor for all existence that is The Onion We Can Review.
This week the nation agreed that watching Justin Bieber's inevitable public meltdown should be interesting. The vast majority of Americans said that seeing the 19-year-old pop star fall victim to the pressures of fame, battle substance abuse, and disappoint his millions of fans will all but certainly be fascinating. Yeah, I mean, I like Justin Bieber, but the part of his career where he's screaming at paparazzi, checking in and out of rehab, and maybe even getting into serious legal trouble will definitely be vastly more interesting than anything he's going through right now. Honestly, I'm kind of looking forward to it.
On Thursday, sources confirmed that a gunman had killed Zero at a local mall. Lisa Gunman? Yeah, she was here. She works right at that Macy's. By noon, authorities found this note at the missing gunman's residence with neighbors sharing their memories of living near her. Oh, right. Lisa Gunman. She must have moved away about four years ago. Then at 1 p.m., it was reported that the deranged gunman, allegedly driven insane by the ongoing media coverage, had critically injured four. Family members of the victims spoke to Onion reporters. This Lisa Gunman lady is crazy. She just pulled out a knife and stabbed my husband.
I had no idea this could ever happen. On Wednesday, job applicant Ryan Ulrich told Onion reporters he was entirely unsure he was dynamic enough to work at local marketing firm Bizco. Ulrich, who stumbled on Bizco's online job posting earlier this week, expressed doubts that he truly possessed the forward-thinking instincts and next-generation idea assets required to create new growth opportunities and work with the fast-paced marketing firm's team of self-starters. I mean, I think I'm a versatile, independent thinker, but honestly, how do you even know for sure? Who am I kidding? There's no way I'm on the cutting edge.
And in local news, a Chicago man brushes a mound of snow from a beef sandwich before eating it. In other news, the appearance of Dennis Rodman is the most normal thing to happen in North Korea. A headline with the words HIV baby in it somehow turns out okay, and an obnoxious friend won't stop attaining major life milestones. Congratulations, you've somehow managed to stay alive this far into this web video. The next 24 hours will be the hardest. For more, visit TheOnion.com. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Happy_Pride_A_Name_Change_for_Toronto_Another_Week_Another_Shoey_The_Day_My_Bum_Acted_Out_of_ | Welcome back to the Weekly Petuda News Bulletin where we dissect the week that was and talk about some of the biggest stories to come through the printing press of Petuda Advocate Australia's oldest and most favourite newspaper based out here in Petuda. You're obviously hearing right now the words coming out of my mouth. I'm Clancy Overall, editor of the Petuda Advocate. I'm joined by editor-in-law General Parker and eternal cadet slash maintenance guy and printer fixer Wendell Hussey.
How are you mate? I'm all right mate.
It's been a hell of a week dealing with the mess you created a couple of days ago with the koala and everything. Well as I said I was glad it was a big family lab that could have been worse. For those who aren't aware I had to deal with the koala that Clancy kid and I got stopped by the police with a koala in a bag which I was taken to dispose of and it was a bit of an incident and Clancy just was on a call and disappeared and left it to me to sort out. Yeah well in the immortal words of Tony Abbott, shit happens. Shit does happen but we cleared it up. I just don't know why there was a koala on the road in western Queensland I thought we had those koala bridges anyway. Well you know it's it's it's it's probably an escapie from the Royal Petuda Zoo. You know what noise it makes? Obviously that place has been shut for a while after you know what happened with Glenn McGrath all those years ago. I thought it was just tranquilizers.
No no so if you aren't aware Glenn did come into the zoo a couple years ago and he shot a few of our great apes. But he was told he was told that it was a safari I don't know who. He paid money for that for conservation as well. He was doing it because he said that you know it was inhumane that this chimpanzee was caged like that so he was basically having to put them out of their misery. At least that's what he told Cohens and Manchester's Court.
Shooting an ape is pretty close to shooting a person. That's not big game an ape, that's medium game, it's human game. I don't know I'd say it's probably more crook to shoot a dolphin. You've got a primate running on two legs away from you and you shoot it.
You know you've run over and killed a few dogs in your day. Borrowing the neighbours lawn, blowing them. They buried it thinking a dog had died from old age.
In the green bin they go with all of your grasshoppers apparently. Can you put carcasses in the green bin? Yeah well you can't you certainly can't put them in the recycling bin. I mean that would. Why can't you just put them in the normal bin? That's what you do with a chicken carcass. In the world of garbage collection the absolute like the A1 job that you can have is to get the recycling done. So yeah putting a dead animal inside the recycling bin is probably going to put the fear of God in a few garbage collectors. Fringe NRL players, Fringe Q Cup players and Batutah that's a recycling run.
Now happy pride everyone. We're going to get on with the with the stories here. What's first up here? What was particularly indulgent today.
We're gonna start off down south in the state of New South Wales where the town of Toronto has given up and officially changed its name to Tronno. Yes the iconic and heavily gentrified town of Toronto known as the heartland of Australian boatie culture and the birthplace of NRL icon Willie Mason has announced a big news this week. The local council in partnership with the region's many schools and sporting clubs walked out of a long-awaited community meeting with a unanimous decision to officially stop pretending to have more than two syllables in their town's name. Yes they're changing the signs as we speak. Nestled deep within the coastal enclaves of Lake Macquarie this town was once one of the many wild coasty towns in the region with the North American theme names others include Brooklyn, Wyoming, Niagara Park but not anymore because Canadians don't say Tronno. Only people from Tronno say Tronno.
There it is some entertainment news now and got a headline that reads like this why don't more artists come to Australia ask nation who bullies every single musician to drink from their shoe. Another week and another international artist doing a shoey. It now seems it is virtually impossible to attend a concert without hearing the audience chant the word shoey which will be done until the artist either walks off or tells the crowd to fuck off or they do in fact take off their shoe and have a drink at it. Yes a few big artists like Jack Harlow will tell the crowd to fuck off but most of them submit in the end and make headlines back in their home countries for drinking something out of a shoe in front of paying fans but as fun as it is it's been revealed that some artists like Queen Bey Beyonce that is are now leaving Australia out of their tours in an effort to avoid this cringe cultural trend. Yeah it's pretty grim isn't it and people say that we don't have a culture.
Speaking of culture and speaking of someone who isn't leaving Australia out of their tour Pink has revealed she's coming down under and it's inspired the nation's netball mums to call their salon and book in a fresh galah the galah being the pink streaks through the hair. Pink and white. It's time to bust out the yellow tail the P explanation mark NK is coming back to Australia the princess of Chardonnay pop has revealed that she'll be coming back to Australia and bringing her summer carnival tour here in early 2024 and that means salons around the channel country and the nation are under the pump. Julie Moore Hart the owner of boutique salon Sheer Elegance. Sheer spelled S-H-E-A-R here in Batutah Heights says she's been doing a cut and color special and has been flat chat around the clock. Julie told us that anyone can come in and do the raise your glass special which comes with a free glass of shaadi any cut any color. Very popular obviously the galah is the one that everyone's been going for. Well the party is certainly starting up there so I might actually have to pop down and get myself a free haircut.
Get into it now we'll wrap up with some literary news and Andy Griffith's publishers are set to rename the first book in the bum trilogy to the day my bum acted out of character. As news spreads of Roald Dahl's novels having offensive language removed to adapt to modern audiences it appears that beloved Australian children's author Andy Griffith's has also caught the same treatment. If you don't spend that much time on Twitter or Sky News the old English author Roald Dahl is having his books rewritten in the UK to change language like mrs. twit being ugly and beastly. They've changed that to just beastly. It's caused a bit of a stir amongst people that don't want anything to change ever and that we should still have leaded paint in our houses and kids should still get the cane. Yeah true but Roald Dahl he's Welsh he's not English so we'll have to go back there. Hey here's a good one for our United Kingdom audiences same thing. I suppose you could say the same thing about you know South Australians and Victorians they're largely the same aren't they? Yes they are. Anyway it has caused a stir and it's caused one of our famous authors to change one of his most famous books the day my bum went psycho will become the day my anus acted out of character with Griffith saying he didn't want to further stigmatize vulnerable people by normalizing these microaggressions.
I think that's fair enough it's a nice touch. It's a nice touch.
Modern walk for modern kids. I mean it's better than the initial plan was the day my asshole started playing up. It's not really appropriate for kids I don't think so I think this is a nicer name. The day my asshole got cranked.
Let's leave it on that note I reckon. Goodbye. See you guys. Thank you. |
TheOnion | Pope_Francis_Nobody_Out_Molests_The_Catholic_Church_The_Onion_Presents_The_Topical_Episode_15 | A major announcement from the Vatican today, coming in response to the sexual abuse scandals that have rocked the Catholic Church, Pope Francis himself delivering a strong message. Nobody, and I mean nobody, out molests the Catholic Church, especially not some goddamn Boy Scouts. Should the Boy Scouts of America be worried?
From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. Stay with us. We've got what it takes to fill your news void.
The Topical is presented by CashApp, the simplest way to send and receive money and the easiest place to buy and sell Bitcoin. Not for me, though. I only trade in gold bricks. Hasn't failed me yet, but you can go ahead and download CashApp today and get $10 when you sign up using promo code Topical. Let me know how it goes.
Major news out of the Vatican today, Pope Francis addressed the latest set of sexual abuse allegations announcing that Catholic priests around the world were not about to be out molested by some goddamn Boy Scouts. To my fellow children of God, heed my word, no one out molests the Catholic Church. No one, especially not some pathetic organization called the Boy Scouts of America.
OPR's Marcy Hammond joins us now from Vatican City. Hi, Marcy. Hi, Leslie.
Today was a monumental day in Vatican City. Just hours ago, Pope Francis walked out into the papal balcony, addressed a massive crowd in St. Peter's Square and told the Boy Scouts that if they quote, come for him, they best not miss. Take a listen. We're the Catholic Church, goddamn it. We already have hundreds of thousands of abused parishioners, children and nuns on the books.
Do you really think we're going to let the fucking Boy Scouts beat us at the molestation game? Please. Well, he certainly doesn't seem to be pulling any punches. What's the Pope's strategy here? Well, Leslie, the Pope's strategy is to essentially put the Boy Scouts on blast. Without skipping a beat, he also called them quote, barely even molesters and wannabe priests at best. I mean, really, who are these Boy Scouts anyways? They wear little vests and do their business in the woods behind tents and big trees? Come on, listen up, boys.
We are the OG Diddlers. OG Diddlers? Yeah, OG Diddlers.
The Pope then even went so far as to invite the Boy Scouts to the Vatican to, quote, show them how it's done. Wow, sounds like shots fired. Have the Boy Scouts responded? Yes. In fact, the Boy Scouts issued an official statement today strongly condemning the Pope's announcement saying, quote, if you crusty ass old perverts want a molestoff, then you've got yourself a molestoff. Scouts honor. Interesting to see how this one plays out.
Thank you so much, Marcy. Thank you, Leslie.
New details are emerging in the shocking story that we first reported last week when NASA announced they had lost the International Space Station. Now the question of how they possibly could have lost the 30,000 square foot spacecraft may finally have some answers. We're joined from Houston by OPR reporter Rebecca Neal, who's been following this story. Hello. So this one's a little puzzling. How exactly did NASA lose the space station? That's been the question on everyone's mind. And thanks to some newly surfaced audio, we may now have an explanation. NASA employs dozens of people at the Lyndon B. Johnson Space Center here in Houston, whose sole job is to track the movements of the ISS. But last Thursday, all of them stepped away from their control panels after receiving an email saying there was going to be a small birthday celebration for their colleague Dale in the office kitchenette. And that's when this happened.
Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Dale. Happy birthday to you.
Uh, hey, guys, guys, has anyone seen the ISS? What? Why?
Because it's gone. What do you mean it's gone? It's gone. It's fucking gone.
Wasn't Suresh supposed to be watching it? Nice one, Suresh. Fuck you, Kevin. Don't blame this on me. I thought you told me you'd be watching it, Susan. When the fuck did I say that? How was nobody watching it? I guess we should probably notify headquarters.
I can do it. Just let me finish eating this cake.
Wow, and they don't have any clue as to where it might have floated to? They know it's still in the solar system, that's for sure. But right now, it could honestly be anywhere. Interesting. So this is obviously a pretty major gaffe. What's the mood like at NASA now that all this new information has surfaced? Certainly there's some embarrassment considering the space station cost over $100 billion and is technically considered to be the most expensive object in the world. But a lot of members of mission control are defending their team. I spoke with a few of the scientists who were in the kitchen when it happened, and here's how they explained it.
Well, we were all busy eating and chatting, and I guess no one was keeping an eye on it, so it sort of just wandered off, I guess. But look, it was a solid spread. They had a vanilla and chocolate cake, a veggie platter, some chips and salsa, and a cheese and meat plate. Honestly, how can you blame us for misplacing it with all of that good stuff? Plus, it was a Thursday. We were all pretty tired. I guess we probably should not have let that happen. It was a major goof. What can we say?
And Rebecca, what about the astronauts on board the ISS? Are they aware that the spacecraft is missing? Well the good news is, Houston is still able to communicate with the astronauts aboard the ISS. Oh, so they can just ask them where they are? Yes, but so far they've chosen not to. They don't want to admit they've lost track of them because they feel it would, quote, just freak them out a bunch. Instead, mission control has committed themselves to locating the ISS through context clues. Houston to ISS.
So, uh, how's Venus looking up there today? Over. Uh, Houston, we wouldn't know. We're nowhere near Venus. Over. Okay, nowhere near Venus.
Good to know. NASA is confident that if they are unable to locate the space station through process of elimination, that's okay because it will probably just show back up in a couple of days anyway. Let's hope so. Thanks, Rebecca. Thank you.
What? That's not enough news for you? Fine. What else you need to know, you insatiable glutton?
Presidential candidate Joe Biden reportedly asked his advisors today how much longer he has to pretend to be confused and doddering to avoid criticism. According to sources, the former vice president has become exhausted with the quote, whole song and dance, but his advisors were adamant that this is really his only shot.
Exxon Mobil introduced a new eight-course gasoline tasting menu for luxury cars. The prefixed menu is said to include petroleum that are hand-refined, barrel-aged, and sourced from all over the Middle East.
Finally, big news in the meat world today. Pastrami Steve surpassed Hot Dog Sydney to become the new king of meat. Hot Dog Sydney had held the title since out-slurping Quincy the beef gnasher in 2016, but he was outdone as Pastrami Steve set a new record for the most double slops in a guzzle sesh. Congrats to all the players.
And that's it for The Topical today. I'm Leslie Price. Join us tomorrow and every day after that. Just not on the weekends. That's my me time. And if you ever want to see your wife and kids again, don't forget to like and subscribe to The Topical wherever you get your podcast. It'd be a real shame if you didn't. See you tomorrow. |
dropout | who_s_the_boss | Wow. What? It's like 4.30. No, that's not it. You're always like seven hours late. Consistent?
I'm surprised you're not fired. Why would I be fired?
Do you not remember yesterday? Hey, buddy. Only a hundred likes in your last article. You're slipping there. What's that? Hey, come here. Hey, what the fuck out of this? What'd you say to my man over here? You were talking about his last article. You read it? Yeah. I read all of his articles. All right, just sit down. One second. When was the last time you wrote anything for College Humor, man? Come here. Did you even write anyone?
Come here, just chill out. Chill out.
You got me here. Jesus. We discussed the matter in his office and resolved the issue like two mature adults. Oh, my God. I'm thinking you can't fire me. You're embarrassing yourself. I'm here. If I blast walls, people can see exactly what's happening in here. I don't care.
Get up. One more chance. Sure. Just get up. Two more chances. Whatever. Two chances. Just get up.
Thank you. Are we cool? Yeah. You're a fucking pushover. You know that? Oh. |
dropout | november_is_coming | Do you hear them, Joe Biddy? It was but a fortnight hence they asked me to be their leader. And now they call for my head!
The rabble of fickle, my lord parrot. Why do they hate me so? I sought to make healing elixirs floweth freely, and to bring home our brave knights, and yet they curse me. My armies are scattered. My coffers are empty. Even as we speak, my enemies plot against me. Ever since they caucased in Iowa, they have been sowing discontent and discord across my realm. And what, pray tell, is this caucase of which you speak, my lord?
Not a man among us knows. Tempest swirls on the horizon, Joe Biddy, and I fear both of us are in its path.
Citizens, it is I. Sir Romney of the Northlands, gaze upon me. I am fairer face and deep of purse. Only I can defeat Lord Barak. More minor lords and barons pledge fealty to me than any other. Their banners hang proudly on the walls of my 17 castles.
Why, even the dark sorceress, Antoram, yields to my power. Ah! You are wise and powerful. Surely, though, you would still require Viceroy to aid you in your glorious battles. Silence, Antoram. Spin thy spells hence. These fair people want not to hear your wicked words, unless they do. And do you?
Here's some money. Rumple the hermit. Deep of purse, Sir Romney be. What is coin cometh from all of thee? Be not fooled by his golden present. Sir Romney is no friend to the peasant. Rumple!
You shriveled hermit. You crooked old fool. How dare you insult the brave Sir Romney, who I would be honored to join in the battle against Lord Barak. You are a fat old gasbag, Newt, and your head is unnaturally pumpkin-like. You stand not a chance of becoming my Viceroy. In fact, you might not be able to stand at all.
A witty song Sir Romney sings. A better gesture than a king's insolence. Enough! The gods may grant to every man the right to bear his blade in hand, but sheath them now, for we must choose the man to whom Lord Barak will lose. Surely it's going to be me.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yes.
Jobidin, sin forth my ravens to each and every one of the most faithful of my followers. But we have already sent out thousands of ravens, my Lord Barak. Sin more. We must swell our coffers. As you wish, my lord. My queen, take my hand. For as the elders wrote in the ancient scrolls, every fort year, the high lord must defend his rule against all challengers. And I will not leave the White Castle without a fight. Mark my words, friends. November is coming. Hon, did you know the peasant children are being served steeped pig anus, even though the farmers have plenty of leafy greens in the fields? Michelle, like, come on.
Nobody gives a shit about that. Baby, I'm sorry. Nobody likes me. |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_acting_class_snl | And Remember, you are not students in an acting class. You are a hoe and a pimp on skid row. Go. The Hell is this, bitch? A Whole night of hoeing, and all you bring me is $150? I told you. When A Fuzzy's Hoe's robbed me, Daddy. Stop The scene! Oh, I Didn't believe a word of that. You Two always come off as two white people from good homes. Yeah. I felt that. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. But Don't get discouraged. We All have challenges to overcome on the road to success. For Randall, it's his unappealing body. Let's get done. Okay. For Laura, it's a lack of talent. Oh, I know. I'm working on it. And, of course, for Natalie, it's that she looks strikingly like Rachel McAdams. Uh. Yeah, um, I keep hearing that, which is kind of annoying, because I'm just not really a fan. Well, she's a famous actress, so it might be hard getting cast in things. Yeah, well, um, I think there's room in Hollywood for Rachel McAdams and Natalie Portman. Yes, I Might also consider changing your name to something that doesn't sound like Natalie Portman. Oh, he's here. I Have a special surprise for all of you. Since You all aspire to be working actors, give advice on a very successful working actor. Please Say hello to Mr. Trevis Von Schon! Hey, hey, hey. Thanks So much for having me. I'm very excited for you to hear firsthand how hard actors must work to achieve success. I'm sure you all have questions. Ask away. Uh, yes. Um, so, yeah. You're awesome. Oh, thanks, man. That means the world. Thank you. So, I'm, like, three years into the auditioning grind, and the needle has not moved for me at all. I'm curious, how long did it take for you to get your first, like, big break? Well, you know, I, uh. I flew to L.A. to give the, uh, the whole Hollywood thing a shot. And As I walked off the plane, Selena Gomez came up to me, uh, said I was gorgeous, and asked me to play her boyfriend in a music video, and then that led to the-the movies and everything. Okay, so the moment you stepped in L.A. you got your big break? Cool. Yeah, yeah, and it was all thanks to Selena Gomez. Absolute Sweetheart, by the way. Oh, yay! I'm so glad I Love her. Hi. Um, so, I've been auditioning for, like, five years, and I've got nothing. My Agent actually told me it's time to consider porn. So, how do you handle rejection? Um, I Feel so dumb right now. Uh, I am not familiar with that word. Uh, I'm not on social media. Is that, is it, like, a slang? Oh, no, rejection's, like, I Don't know, like, a part of the human condition? Yeah, it's, like, when someone doesn't want you for something. Oh, no. No, that's so sad. Um. Yeah, really, I-I don't know anything about that. Mm. Hi, um, I'm such a huge fan of yours. Are You kidding? I. No, I'm a fan of yours. Spotlight? That's amazing. No, I'm not Rachel McAdams. Um, I'm Natalie Partman. So, anyway, to make money, I started in OnlyFans, and I was sued by Rachel McAdams, who accused me of being a deepfake her. So, um, anyway, what advice do you have for someone who looks like a famous person? I mean, are you a better actress than Rachel McAdams? I'll answer that. No. Okay, then I'd say, uh, give up and stop pursuing a film career. Got it. So, I'll focus on TV. Namaste. Um, okay, hi, Trevis. I'm fanboying out right now. Don't be weird! Um, do you have any, like, audition hacks? You know, I'm-I'm sorry. I Keep hearing this word, audition. Sorry, what-what is that? It's where you try out for a part? Oh, my God. They make you do that? Dude, I don't think that's allowed. I mean, you know, as far as I know, the way you get cast in a movie is the director asks you to be in it, you know? Oh, wow. That sounds so much easier than auditioning. You're such a great actor. Do You have any training? Uh, no. No, I-I Just did it, and, uh, you know, I was really good. Awesome. I'm depressed now. Thank you. Well, Trevis Only promised us a few minutes, so he needs to go. Hey, look, thanks, everybody. You know, I, uh, I Admire all of you. Keep Following your dreams, and I know you're all gonna beat your illness. Wait. One more. Did he. Did he think this was, like, a make-a-wish thing? How else would I have gotten him here? Okay. Natalie? Let's see your monologue. What's it from? The Notebook. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_6_4_18_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | Right now at Honda, find your kind of value with a low finance rate offer on selected Civic hatch and sedan models. There's never been a better time to get into a Civic, so talk to your local dealer and let's help you into a Honda today.
T's and C's apply. Ends August 31st. See website for details. G'day, I'm Bruce Hitchcock, and this is the weekly Batutah News Bullet. Here are this week's top stories from the Batutah Advocate, Australia's oldest and most respected newspaper.
In national news, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull could be in a little bit of strife. On the eve of his 30th consecutive news poll loss, former Prime Minister Tony Abbott appears to be making moves to take back the throne. This week, he stood before a media scrum, salivating at the thought of him criticising his party leader on camera. Abbott said, Seemingly ignoring the marker that he set to overthrow a sitting Prime Minister, Malcolm Turnbull pressed on with business.
A Batutah Advocate exclusive report revealed this week that Turnbull signed off on Indian coal magnate Gautam Adani's request to use up to six Chinook helicopters to briefly airlift Uluru, just in case there's any coal underneath. Following the approval by the PM, Northern Territory locals awoke to see the natural wonder of the world already hovering up to 50 metres above the ground. While the landmark was in the air, coal exploration agencies quickly dug through the soft red soil in search of any minerals that could be exported to India for 10% of the price that any Australian company could sell them for. Nick Squalari, a young reader from the French Quarter, left a comment on the story tipping us off that they actually used the choppers on loan from Bronwyn Bishop.
Elsewhere around the country, and a rural teenager has been enjoying that brief phase of adolescence that isn't devastated by ice. Down at the river with his dad this week, 14-year-old country town based Leon started thinking about life after school. Little does Leon know that in 18 months he's going to be pressured by the coal group from the year above to drop a couple of tablets of E at a post-Rugby Lee Grand Final house party. And three years after that, he'll be sent to Arthur Gorry Correctional Centre for a break and enter on his own parents' house.
To another rural issue now, and a non-metropolitan nightclub has admitted that they love a bit of violence in their venue, and have put Bundy and Coke on tap this week. The operators of North Petuta's Mink Hotel, AKA The Mink, AKA The Stink, this week confirmed rumours they don't care about violence that frequents their venue on weekends. Patron Kenno, a 38-year-old roofer, says it looks like they actually want the trouble. He said to us, We thought it was more of an issue related to the fact that after you have a few fights break out in your pub, then he's got to deal with the fact that fights appeal to certain people. But when they install this rum on tap, now it actually looks like they want to host a few booths. In other news around town, a tradie was laughed off his work site this week, after buying an automatic ute. His friends down the pub have also hung shit on him for getting an automatic, because he can't drive a manual. Braden McKay, one of our readers from down in Brizzy, commented on the story, saying, Nothing wrong with an auto necessarily, but if you can't drive a manual, hand your man card in.
And now I don't care that it's the 21st century and all this toxic masculinity business, go choke on your activated almond milk decaf latte. It was Easter a few days ago, and we broke a story about an entire family being forced to eat filido fishes on a Good Friday road trip because of mum's Catholic guilt. After several hours on the road driving to visit their cousins, the McLennan family were told they weren't allowed to eat any red meat during their lunch stop. Younger son Jack yelled, Good Friday's fucking lame, before receiving a clip over the ear from his dad and told to order a red meat free meal. However, in an ironic twist, every meal was ordered with thick shakes, which, according to commonly held miss, are made from pig fat anyway.
In sports news now, an international all-rounder Jared Hayne has been spotted meeting with his manager this week, shortly after Western Sydney locals reported seeing him rolling the arm over with a few local kids at the Auburn Park Nets. While Hayne focuses on becoming a player for Australia, many are questioning his capabilities, and if he's quit the siggies and partying with dodgy Gold Coast people. Jackson Kirby, from the developer's daydream city of Sydney, texts the editor this week, approving of the code switch, saying that he can see him as a right arm, stump to stump bowler, with the ability to wield the blade at will. A Jacques Callas mold, if you will. Anyway, it'll remain to be seen whether Hayne gets the call up amidst the current cricket crisis, but at this stage, anything can happen.
So, there's your news wrap for this week. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast in order to hear your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news. Until next time, I'm Bruce Hitchcock. Thanks for watching. |
cracked | the_hardest_product_to_sell_after_back_to_school_sales_end | Look, I don't want to make a big thing out of this. There's no reason for us to turn this into some kind of big, something big, like long.
Protracted? Get out! Go. See you tomorrow. This is serious.
Sales are at an all-time high. What do we possibly have to worry about? I've been in the protracted business for a very long time. I've seen plenty of booms like this in the past, and I've seen them all leave us just as quickly. Just don't get it. Clearly, people love our product. 9,000% sales increase. Yeah, I think they might. Then why do they stop buying? How do we keep them? Every year, September 8, September 9, and on and on and on. There's clearly some kind of fad element we're missing, right? But a man is there. I mean, people need to measure with accuracy the angle of things. Are people using protractors for any other purpose? Are they getting high on them?
No. I would know about that. Maybe we're making them too tough. Maybe. We need a little bit of planned protractor obsolescence. No, never.
Build compasses if you want that. Is there an angle measuring iPad app?
Because I could really overlap with our key demographic, the protractor demographic. OK, forget the why. Moving on from the why. Whatever the reason, we need to come up with a way to sustain this rate of growth. You'll need one chance to cement your brand with the American consumer.
Although, as you've noted, we've had that chance every year since the year we were established. Yeah, and we blew it every time.
So now, how do we change that? How about an ad campaign that suggests summer to cool off? Is there a way that protractors can be refreshing? If you fill in the middle, it could be a fan. Or we go back to basics. We simply point out the many angles people need to measure year round. Yeah, such as? All of them. New features? It's already wireless.
Price decrees? Cost $0.18 a piece there.
Online protracting, like you get a subscription like Netflix, but with measuring angles. And what is Netflix? I don't get it. What are we not seeing here? There's a ruler at the bottom. Of the protractor?
Like, say, yeah, it's attached. It's been here the whole time, I think. It's like at the bottom of it. Usually, you're thinking about it like a here. Is it accurate, do you think? I think so. I can't tell because of other ones at an angle, as a curve. But if I do like this, it's not. Yes, it's got to be. Holy shit.
Well, that's it. That's it.
There's a ruler at the bottom. Hey, fellas, he's got a ruler at the bottom. There's a ruler at the bottom.
Hey, thanks for watching. Please subscribe to our channel.
I think you're really going to like it a lot. Don't think that I know what you want. You're not just some, like, member of a market that I'm trying to snag. You're your own person. You know what you like better than I do. Just do what you want.
Subscribe or don't. Oh, no. Please subscribe. Please subscribe or else they're going to fire me.
Sales are at an all-time high. What do we possibly have to worry about? I've been in the protractor business for a very long time. I've seen plenty of booms like this in the past, and I've seen them all leave us just as quickly. Just don't get it. Clearly, people love our product. 9,000% sales increase. Yeah, I think they might. Then why do they stop buying? How do we keep them? Every year, September 8, September 9, and on and on and on. There's clearly some kind of fad element we're missing, right? But a man is there.
I mean, people need to measure with accuracy the angle of things. Are people using protractors for any other purpose? Are they getting high on them? No, I would know about that. Maybe we're making them too tough. Maybe we need a little bit of planned protractor obsolescence. No, never. Build compasses if you want that. Is there an angle measuring iPad app? Because I could really overlap with our key demographic, the protractor demographic. OK, forget the why. Moving on from the why, whatever the reason, we need to come up with a way to sustain this rate of growth.
You'll need one chance to cement your brand with the American consumer. Although, as you've noted, we've had that chance every year since the year we were established. Yeah, and we blew it every time.
So now, how do we change that? How about an ad campaign that suggests summer to cool off? Is there a way that protractors can be refreshing? If you fill in the middle, it could be a fan. Or we go back to basics. We simply point out the many angles people need to measure year round.
OK, yeah. Such as? All of them. New features? It's already wireless.
Price decrees? Cost $0.18 a piece there.
Online protracting. Like, you get a subscription, like Netflix, but with measuring angles. And what is Netflix? I don't get it. What are we not seeing here? There's a ruler at the bottom. Of the protractor?
Like, say, yeah, it's attached. It's been here the whole time, I think. Like right on there? It's like at the bottom of it. Like, usually you're thinking about it like a here. It's like a here.
Is it accurate, do you think? I think so. I can't tell because the other one's at an angle as a curved. But if I do like this, it's nice. Yes, it's got to be. Holy shit.
Well, that's it. That's it.
There's a ruler at the bottom. Hey, fellas, he's got a ruler at the bottom. There's a ruler at the bottom.
Bye. Hey, thanks for watching. Please subscribe to our channel.
I think you're really going to like it a lot. Don't think that I know what you want. You're not just some, like, member of a market that I'm trying to snag. You're your own person. You know what you like better than I do. Just do what you want.
Subscribe or don't. Oh, no. Please subscribe. Please subscribe or else they're going to fire me. |
cracked | 4_awful_ways_our_ancestors_got_high_that_we_tested_cracked_goes_there_with_robert_evans | Hi, I'm Robert Evans. I work here at Cracked, and I'm something of an amateur drug historian. You could call me a archaeologist. And I spent the last year working on a book, a brief history of vice, that experiments with all the ancient ways our ancestors used to get high. And today, I've brought four of those methods to the Cracked offices. I'm going to experiment on them with my coworkers, at least until somebody stops us. This is a little thing I like to call a nosepipe.
It is one of the oldest forms of smoking tobacco, and it is actually recorded in one of the first written descriptions we have of a European encountering tobacco, which was written by the governor of Hispaniola, an island near Cuba, in 1535. Among other evil practices, the Indians have one that is especially harmful, the ingestion of a certain smoke they call tobacco. They imbibe the smoke until they become unconscious and lie sprawling on the ground like men in a drunken stupor. Now, you might notice that cigarettes don't at all make people pass out like men in a drunken stupor. That's because modern tobacco is around 3% nicotine. Wild tobacco, 9% to 10% nicotine. It also doesn't hurt that smoking it through a nosepipe gets the smoke directly into your mucous membranes much faster, making for a more powerful high.
Now, I'm going to tell you, but not the people doing this ahead of time, this is awful. So the way we're going to do this is you're going to have to bend this a little bit to get it into your nose, and it's going to feel kind of uncomfortable, as you can probably guess. I recommend bending it slowly. And then once you get it good enough there, you might want to like cinch your nose a little bit around it so you can create a good seal, because the seal is important, because you really want it to get straight up into your brain.
Yeah, I do. I think that's the critical part of this. All right, let's, oh yeah, there's that, and that.
Now, you could fit a lot in the nose if you try. The key is just to try. Most people never do.
Oh, God. Ha ha. Well, that's not good.
I feel like I'm burning my eyes out of my head from behind. This can't be good for your eyes. I'm actually kind of into this. I feel like my brain is an ashtray. Yeah, I mean, I guess I wouldn't want to do it every day. I definitely feel cool. Yeah, the Arbro man would have looked a lot cooler smoking this on top of a horse.
Ha ha ha. Oh, fuck. Ha ha.
I'm definitely more impressed with Adam than I was before we smoked nose cigarettes together. Yeah. How do you feel? I feel like I just smoked a bunch of nicotine through my nose. It reminds me of like the first time you smoke a cigarette if you smoked like five, having never done that before. I don't smoke nicotine at all, but I do have a medical permit for my glaucoma. Sure, sure. And this is a pretty potent high for me. How are you feeling? I feel amazing.
According to one evolutionary theory, the Drunken Monkey Hypothesis, our ancestors started consuming alcohol around 10 million years ago because any fruit that had started to ferment was at its most calorically dense, at the sweetest it was going to get. Most of the evidence for this theory comes from an animal called the Pentailed Tree Shrew. And the Pentailed Tree Shrew survives off of drinking exclusively fermented sap from the Bertram Palm. So what I've done here today is I've taken some palm sap and I've added yeast to it and I've let it ferment.
And we're going to take this and give it to my coworkers at Cracked. I think they're going to hate it. So here it is. I've given this two different names. When I want to sound smart, I call it ur-booze. And when I don't care about sounding smart, I call it monkey wine. Okay, neither of those names makes me think I'm going to enjoy this. We're essentially recreating here. The very first booze that people and even pre-primate animals would have drank.
David Christopher Bell described it as like a mixture of melted skittles and sperm. No! You did! I mean, I was excited at the melted skittles part.
I don't want to do this. Nobody wants to do this.
All right. My heart is pounding. Cheers. I'm so nervous.
Oh. Oh my God, I'm going to fail. Oh, it's so bad. Oh.
It's not that bad. It's kind of fine, yeah. Kind of fine, really. You're good with this.
It's so much thicker than I thought it was going to be. It's really thick. It's very thick.
That's the problem with it. It's buttery. Very sweet. It does remind me of something that- Skittles and sperm. How'd you like it, Dan? It's really sweet. It's really thick. It's like syrup that's gone through some kind of process that I don't like. It tastes like maybe like a caramel. Like a burnt sugar.
Yeah. Burnt is, yeah. Bad way. Cheers. Oh, God is dead.
If you do it like I just did where you get the stuff on the bottom and really pull that in, it's not pleasant. When I first did this, a friend of mine suggested dropping it in coffee and seeing how that tastes.
Which friend? Who do you know that's like that? I don't care to know this person.
Oh, yeah. That is really good, actually. It's not too sweet anymore. And it's also like, I don't need milk in this or anything. And it like washes it down, which is what I needed. You wanted to Trojan horse the poison. You want to just sneak it in and not notice that it was there. This is a way to do that. It's a good vehicle for your shitty jug wine.
Now the coffee you drink every morning dates back to around the 13th century. And the first coffee drink state back to the 3rd century. But centuries, maybe even millennia before that, the aroma warriors of Ethiopia were taking coffee in a very different form.
What they do is they'd mash up the cherries, which are rich in protein as well as a lot of amino acids, with the coffee grounds themselves and a bunch of ghee, which is basically butter that doesn't spoil. And then they would wear it in a bag around their neck when they went on their raids and when they went hunting. The idea behind it is that inside the leather bag, my body heat and sweat is gonna kind of cook all of the ghee into the coffee cherries and the grounds and turn into like this delicious chocolaty trail mix. Nice. This is what the aroma balls look like when they have finished cooking against your body heat. You'll notice it looks a lot like bear poop. Try not to think about that when you eat it.
I guess I'll start. Yes, you will. So you wanna grab a bunch like that in your fingers and then just pop it right in your mouth. That's genuinely really good. Yeah. I really like that.
It's super greasy though. Super greasy. It tastes like I'm eating something. Yeah, it's like an ancient power bar sort of thing. That's the best way I would describe it is like before you had access to energy bars or protein bars, like this is what people had, sweaty balls of coffee. You smell very humid and there's no getting around that for the experience. It's like a swamp troll.
So you're gonna go for a run every morning now and I can have this. Yeah. Like at work. Would it be as effective to just hang it in front of my car when I drive to work? Will that work too? I actually, I bet that would work because the sun's gonna come right in through the window. Yeah, I imagine it would swell it. I think that would do a great job actually. I don't need to exercise.
If you've read Alduis Huxley's A Brave New World, you've probably heard of the drug Soma. It's based in a real drug that's written about in the Hindu Vedas that date back three to 4,000 years or so. So what you do is you dry them out first and then you soak them for 24 hours or so in water and then you strain all of the mushroom bits out of that water and mix it with milk and then you drink it and you're high for four to six hours. The best case scenario is that we all get really high and it's a bonding experience and we're all united under the throbbing pulse of the universe. And the worst case scenario is we spend four to six hours vomiting, but that hasn't happened in any of my prior tests.
So, you know. Now, before we take it, you're supposed to, based on the instructions in the Vedas, read a prayer before you all do this. So the prayer I'm gonna read is actually a description from the Vedas of how this is supposed to feel. The soul from heaven to earth he lifts, so great and wondrous are his gifts, men feel the God within their veins and cry loud in exulting strains. So that's what ought to happen. All right, let's pour our milk in and drink. Do we toast?
Mushroom, cheers. Oh boy. Oh, it does taste like pasta. Yeah. Yeah, I like that. Hands in the center, let's do a one, two, three. Drugs! Yeah, I definitely feel it. It's really cool, because it feels like you're in nature. Shit.
There's so many things here to look at. The world is so beautiful. Open your eyes, it's a beautiful place.
I know that sounds really dumb, because there's so much bad stuff happening in the world. It's like, there's so much bad stuff, how can we like, have any, how can we love? Sometimes it's good, sometimes bad stuff happens. But sometimes there's just like, so much stuff. I'm talking so much, okay. I'm gonna try to tone it down.
Do you believe in God?
It's what I felt like my knees were compacting and expanding as I walked, in a great way. There's this feeling when I turn my head like I have, not less or more, but a different level of muscular control. Oh, it's like a movie, it's so fast though. Okay, the wings flying now. Whoa, by going back in time. Oh my God. Whoa, okay man.
This is the ballman also man, but I know it's fake. Like I'm there, but I know it's fake because that stuff is stupid, but like I could see it. So it's like, I could see fake things. I can see like everybody's fantasies.
There's just like so much good in people. Even though you see the bad, it's like on the surface. It's like plaque if you don't brush your teeth, like you like try hard enough. You can get to the bottom, that's a good.
So I'm gonna go take one, make me come back. Yeah, so I'm gonna go, there we go.
Oh, sorry star. All right, welcome to the puke club. 40% vomit, 60% having a pretty good time.
I am high now. Oh good, you're feeling it, how are you feeling? You know those puzzles where you stare at a pattern and then a shape emerges? With that, it looks like everything is doing that all the time, for me anyway. This is sort of the opposite of that. It's simplifying, things took a lot less detail. I feel like everything sort of trails, like when my eyes move, I feel like speaking, I sort of trail. I don't often take selfies, but I just took a bunch. When I was lying down, I was like, oh, that's, yeah. Maybe that's my way of tripping, it's like, you know what, you're good. I can kind of still come back to reality still, like I see you guys, like am I talking normally? So every once in a while, I flash back to here and I'm here and I can stay here. But there's like so much stuff over there, like there's just like way more.
It's like the universe, like I feel like I could time travel, it feels like when you're standing before the holiday doors. No, Nightmare Before Christmas, holy shit, I want what she drank. But before the holidays doors, it's not just holiday doors, it's like everything, like one of you guys is a door. Can you go through a door?
Yeah, bring you guys with me. Yeah, there you go. Oh yeah, bring you guys with me. Oh, that'd be so nice. That's a good idea. Can you feel it if I bring you guys with me?
Let's see. Well, let's just try to find a way to find out. Never done that before. I don't know where we're going though. Do you guys care where we're going? No, just go. Okay, do you guys, are you guys anywhere?
Whoa, okay, we're in like war I think, but it's not bloody, there's a bunch of stone. A lot of people in stone armor. Oh, they're the, you know those stone frozen people in China, the terracotta wires? Yeah, we're terracotta wires. Are we underground, like there? No, we're above ground.
Have you ever felt anything like this before? Not like this, no. The ultimate goal of any intoxicating experience is to have an impact on somebody. The real like reason I did this is because I've had very powerful positive experiences with intoxicants over the course of my life. And I like the idea of being able to bring those onto other people in a positive way, because I think these substances, the reason we've been using them so long is that when they're used properly and responsibly, they can benefit us in significant ways. My hand's doing the thing where it doesn't feel like it's mine, so that's cool.
Yeah. All right.
You can click the button here if you wanna subscribe to our channel. You can click the button here if you would like to order my book, A Brief History of Ice, it's out on August 9th, and it can teach you how to do all of these wonderful drugs with your friends. And more. It's got guides on where to buy them, how to do them, that's it. But it's full of great stuff.
And look at how friends. Friends now.
I feel like time has stopped everywhere but here, but I also know that's a weird thing to say. This is definitely not my hand. No, this is true. This is not mine. Put it here. Oh, God is dead.
If you do it like I just did where you get the stuff on the bottom and really pull that in, it's not wasn't. When I first did this, a friend of mine suggested dropping it in coffee and seeing how that tastes.
Which friend? Who do you know that's like that? I don't care to know this person.
Oh, oh yeah. Yeah.
That is really good actually. It's not too sweet anymore. And it's also like, I don't need milk in this or anything, and it like washes it down, which is what I needed. You wanted to Trojan horse the poison. You wanna just sneak it in and not notice that it was there. This is a way to do that. It's a good vehicle for your ugly jug wine.
Now the coffee you drink every morning dates back to around the 13th century. And the first coffee drink stayed back to the third century. But centuries, maybe even millennia before that, the aroma warriors of Ethiopia were taking coffee in a very different form. What they do is they'd mash up the cherries, which are rich in protein, as well as a lot of amino acids, with the coffee grounds themselves and a bunch of ghee, which is basically butter that doesn't spoil.
And then they would wear it in a bag around their neck when they went on their raids and when they went hunting. The idea behind it is that inside the leather bag, my body heat and sweat is gonna kind of cook all of the ghee into the coffee cherries and the grounds and turn into like this delicious chocolaty trail mix. Nice. This is what the aroma balls look like when they have finished cooking against your body heat. You'll notice it looks a lot like bear poop. Try not to think about that when you eat it.
I guess I'll start. Yes, you will. So you wanna grab a bunch like that in your fingers and then just pop it right in your mouth. Mm. That's genuinely really good. Yeah. I really like that.
It's super greasy though. Super greasy. It tastes like I'm eating something. Yeah, it's like an ancient power bar sort of thing. That's the best way I would describe it, is like before you had access to energy bars or protein bars, like this is what people had, sweaty balls of coffee. You smell very humid. And there's no getting around that for the experience. It's like a swamp troll.
So you're gonna go for a run every morning now and I can have this. Yeah. Like at work. Would it be as effective when I run on my car when I drive to work? Will that work too? I actually, I bet that would work because the sun's gonna come right in through the window. Yeah, I imagine it would swell it. I think that would do a great job actually. So glad I don't need to exercise.
If you've read Alduis Huxley's A Brave New World, you've probably heard of the drug Soma. It's based in a real drug that's written about in the Hindu Vedas that date back three to 4,000 years or so.
So what you do is you dry them out first and then you soak them for 24 hours or so in water. And then you strain all of the mushroom bits out of that water and mix it with milk. And then you drink it and you're high for four to six hours. The best case scenario is that we all get really high and it's a bonding experience and we're all united under the throbbing pulse of the universe. And the worst case scenario is we spend four to six hours vomiting.
But that hasn't happened in any of my prior tests.
So, you know. Now before we take it, you're supposed to, based on the instructions in the Vedas, read a prayer before you all do this. So the prayer I'm gonna read is actually a description from the Vedas of how this is supposed to feel. The soul from heaven to earth he lifts, so great and wondrous are his gifts, men feel the God within their veins and cry loud in exulting strains. So that's what ought to happen. All right, let's pour our milk in a drink. Do we toast?
Mushroom, cheers. Oh boy. Oh, it does taste like pasta. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I like that. Hands in the center, let's do a one, two, three. Drugs! Yeah, I definitely feel it.
It's really cool. Because it feels like you're in nature. S**t. There's so many things here to look at. The world is so beautiful. Open your eyes. It's a beautiful place.
I know that sounds really dumb, because there's so much bad stuff happening in the world. It's like, there's so much bad stuff, how can we like, have faith, how can we love? Sometimes it's good, some bad stuff happens. But sometimes there's just like, so much stuff. I'm talking so much, okay. I'm gonna try to tone it down.
Do you believe in God?
I sort of felt like my knees were compacting and expanding as I walked, in a great way. There's this feeling when I turn my head like I have, not less or more, but a different level of muscular control. Oh, it's like a movie, it's so fast though. Okay, the wings flying now. Whoa, by going back in time. Oh my God. Whoa, okay, but.
There's the bomb and also I know it's fake, like I'm there, but I know it's fake, because that stuff is stupid, but like, I could see it. So it's like, I could see fake things. I can see like, everybody's fantasies. There's just like, so much good in people, even though you see the bad, it's like other surface, it's like plaque if you don't brush your teeth, like you like try hard enough.
You can get to the bottom, that's a good. So I'm gonna go take one, make me come back. It's time to go, there we go.
Oh. Sorry, star.
All right, welcome to the puke club. 40% vomit, 60% having a pretty good time. I am high now. Oh good, you're good. How are you feeling?
You know those puzzles where you stare at a pattern and then a shape emerges? With acid, it looks like everything is doing that all the time, from anyway. This is sort of the opposite of that, it's simplifying, things took a lot less detail. I feel like everything sort of trails, like when my eyes move, I feel like speaking, I sort of trail. I don't often take selfies, but I just took a bunch, when I was lying down, I was like, oh, that's, yeah. Maybe that's my way of tripping, it's like, you know what, you're good. I can kinda still come back to reality still, like I see you guys, like am I talking normally? Yeah. So every once in a while, I flash back to here and I'm here, and I can stay here. But there's like so much stuff over there, like there's just like way more. It's like the universe, like I feel like I could time travel.
It feels like when you're standing before the holiday doors. No, Nightmare Before Christmas, holy shit, I want what she drank. But before the holidays or the doors, it's not just holiday doors, it's like everything, like one of you guys is a door. Can you go through a door?
Yeah, bring you guys with me. Yeah, there you go. Oh yeah, bring you guys with me. Oh, that's a good idea. Can you feel it if I bring you guys with me?
Let's see. We'll just try to find out. Never done that before. I don't know where we're going though. Do you guys care where we're going? Let's go, let's go. Okay, are you guys anywhere? Whoa, okay, we're in like war I think?
But it's not bloody, there's a bunch of stone. A lot of people in stone armor. Oh, they're the, you know those stone frozen people in China, the terra cotta warriors? Yeah, we're terra cotta warriors.
Are we underground, bird? Like there? No, we're above ground.
Have you ever felt anything like this before? Not like this, no. The ultimate goal of any intoxicating experience is to have an impact on somebody. The real like reason I did this is because I've had very powerful positive experiences with intoxicants over the course of my life and I like the idea of being able to bring those onto other people in a positive way because I think these substances, the reason we've been using them so long is that when they're used properly and responsibly, they can benefit us in significant ways. My hands doing the thing where it doesn't feel like it's mine, so that's cool.
Yeah. So, you can click the button here if you wanna subscribe to our channel. You can click the button here if you would like to order my book, A Brief History of Ice, it's out on August 9th and it can teach you how to do all of these wonderful drugs with your friends and more. It's got guides on where to buy them, how to do them, that's it. But it's full of great stuff and look at how, yeah, how friends. Friends now.
I feel like time has stopped everywhere but here but I also know that's a weird thing to say. This is definitely not my hand. No, this is true. This is not mine. Put it here. |
cracked | zack_snyder_s_justice_league_for_20_deleted_scenes_bloopers | I have 10,100,000 whales in the swamps for Darkseid! Yeah! Wait, you're Darkseid? Oh, yeah. There was a snide cut for Justice League which kinda sucked but you don't really care I'm doing this right. Meat snap! Damn it!
You broke it! That's okay, I can hold it like this. You're busted. Yeah, choke up, bro.
I know you've probably never heard my name before except in the old comic books. Yeah, I don't read a lot. Well, you probably should because there's some about you and they talk some shit.
You will drop out of college. No. Smoke a lot of weed. Are you kidding, Dad? I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did.
I want you to find a trade, welding, or maybe plumbing. Hell, HVAC would do it.
Fighting a devil in his army. I don't care how many demons he's fought. Don't smile when I'm not dressing the team. Fighting a devil in his army. I don't care how many. Fighting a demon... Wait, what the... Fighting a devil in his army. I don't care how many demons he's fought now.
How many dicks is this? It's meat snacks! You're like so earnest. You're like, how many demons? How many else?
Fighting a devil in his army. I don't care how many demons he's fought. Son of a bitch, Flash, I'm gonna kick your ass. Full darkside. If you can't bring down the charging bowl, then don't wave the red cape at it.
I gotta level with you, son. I owe a lot of people a lot of money. And your papa needs... I just wanna play some flag football with you and coach your T-ball team.
Can I be like you, Wonder Woman? No. Can I be like you, Wonder Woman?
I can't fucking leave this. Can we go to Baskin' Wobbins? Please?
I can hear the ocean. I had a nightmare.
Isn't that right, Batman? What the hell, bro? This is kind of my thing. What? Dude, this is my thing. You're a fucking thing. I fucking earned this shit, bro. Maybe some hip thrust with hands behind your head. Nice. Okay, let's shotgun that beer.
God, he was so fun at parties. Yeah. He had so much cocaine. God, he was good at flossing. I miss him so much. He made me so wet, wetter than I am.
My God, look at that package. It is not of this earth. It draws its power from the sun.
Do I know Superman? That guy can do a line. Let me tell you. You know Wonder Woman? Wonder Woman. I've met some Amazonians, but she's an Amazonist if you know what I'm saying. How do you know if your T is strong enough? Diana!
I don't know if you like the movie The Office or it's a show now, isn't it? It's a show now, yeah. It's not on Netflix, isn't that some shit? It is.
It's on some cockpea or whatever it's called. That's right, cockpea.
He said superheroes couldn't come. Did Batgirl tell you that? Is Batgirl supposed to be his daughter or something? Is Catwoman talking shit about me again?
I come everywhere. I come out all the time. Everyone who knows me comes. All over.
We need some kind of name. Oh, how about... Shit. I don't like that.
He's in bed right. Oh, Batman. My Batman.
All right, I was thinking we could get a big ass table and chairs, lanterns, green ones.
Well, it's no wonder you don't have any dreams. I don't care how many demons he's fucked and how many hills. He's never fucked us before.
Not us conjoined, anus to mouth. Hey, Batman. You trying to go to the Capitol? We can, uh... I hear the real inaugurations on March 9th.
You think darkness is your ally, Batman? I just start cycling through Batman villains. Why so serious... Why so serious, Batman? Let's put a smile on that face, Batman.
I just wanted to let you know that my name is Martian Milf Hunter. Milf Hunter?
Yeah. Remember your mom? Yeah, I remember a little bit. She's dead now because of me. God. I hunted her down and I got her good. I always wondered what happened to my milf-y mother. I always wondered what happened to my milf. You mean mom? My mom. Yeah. What did I say?
A lot of people like to call me Marthon Hunter. My name is Martian Hunter. Hunter the Martian Man. Alright, well, again, Martian Hunter. If you have anything that you want to... You literally have not said the name this whole time. Again, my name is Martian Hunter.
And I'm just gonna go now.
The walking orbs dressed up like superheroes. Super heroes, super heroes.
I'm the sucked, but you don't really care. I'm doing this right. Meat snap! You broke it! That's okay, I can hold it like this. You busted. Yeah, choke up, bro.
I know you probably never heard my name before, except in the old comic books. Yeah, I don't read a lot.
Well, you probably should, because there's some about you and they talk some shit. You will drop out of college. Smoke a lot of weed. I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did. I want you to find a trade, welding, or maybe plumbing. Hell, HVAC would do it.
Fighting a devil in his army. I don't care how many demons he's fought. Don't smile when I'm not dressing the team. Fighting a devil in his army. I don't care how many. Fighting a demon... Wait, what the... Fighting a devil in his army. I don't care how many demons he's fought now.
How many dicks is this? It's meat snacks! You're like so earnest. How many demons? How many else?
Fighting a devil in his army. I don't care how many demons he's fought. Son of a bitch, Flash, I'm gonna kick your ass. Full dark side. If you can't bring down the charging bowl, then don't wave the red cape at it.
I got a level with you, son. I owe a lot of people a lot of money. And your papa needs... I just want to play some flag football with you and coach your t-ball team.
Can I be like you, Wonder Woman? No. Can I be like you, Wonder Woman?
I can't fucking leave this. Can we go to Baskin Wobbins? Please?
I can hear the ocean. I had a nightmare.
Isn't that right, Batman? What the hell, bro? This is kind of my thing. What? Dude, this is my thing. You're a fucking thing. I fucking earned this shit, bro. Maybe some hip thrust with hands behind your head. Nice. Okay, let's shotgun that beer.
God, he was so fun at parties. He had so much cocaine. God, he was good at flossing. I miss him so much. He made me so wet, wetter than I am.
My God, look at that package. It is not of this earth. It draws its power from the sun.
Do I know Superman? That guy can do a line. Let me tell you. Wonder Woman. I've met some Amazonians, but she's an Amazonist if you know what I'm saying. How do you know if your tea is strong enough? Diana!
I don't know if you like the movie The Office or it's a show now, isn't it? It's a show now, yeah. It's not on Netflix, isn't that some shit? It is.
It's on some cockpea or whatever it's called. That's right, cockpea.
You said superheroes couldn't come. Did Batgirl tell you that? Is Batgirl supposed to be his daughter or something? Is Catwoman talking shit about me again?
I come everywhere. I come out all the time. Everyone who knows me comes. All over.
We need some kind of name. Oh, how about... Shit. I don't like that. You've been bad right.
Oh, Batman. My Batman.
I was thinking we'd get a big-ass table and chairs, lanterns, green ones. Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends.
I don't care how many demons he's fucked and how many hells. He's never fucked us before. Not us conjoined, anus to mouth.
Hey Batman, you trying to go to the Capitol? We can, uh... I hear the real inauguration's on March 9th.
You think darkness is your ally, Batman? I just start cycling through Batman villains. Why so serious, Batman? Let's put a smile on that face, Batman.
I just wanted to let you know that my name is Martian Milf Hunter. Milf Hunter?
Yeah. Remember your mom? Yeah, I remember a little bit. She's dead now because of me. God. I hunted her down and I got her good. I always wondered what happened to my milfy mother. I always wondered what happened to my milf. You mean mom? My mom. Yeah. What did I say?
A lot of people like to call me Marthon Hunter. My name is Martian Hunter. Hunter the Martian Man. Alright, well, again, Martian Hunter. If you have anything that you want to... You literally have not said the name this whole time. Again, my name is Martian Hunter, and I'm just gonna go now.
The walking orbs dressed up like super heroes. Super heroes. |
dropout | Framing_Someone_for_Murder_is_So_Awkward_Kingpin_Katie | What should I get? Every time we come here, you get the pancakes. I should try something. Get the pancakes. You want the pancakes.
What? What's happening? We can't stay. Why?
Don't look now, but there is a man wearing an American flag bandana over his pink mullet. And he's covered in sexy lady tattoos and, like, fresh cheese burns from pizza. And he's got nipple holes cut out of his crop top.
What? Really? Yes. Wait, don't. What are you doing?
I said don't look, dude. And that was a long look. Stop it. Don't go back. I had to look. That was a crazy description.
This is bad.
We have a history. Is he your ex? Yeah, pretty much. What does that mean? It means that he works at, well, worked at the deli that I go to.
I had a dream that he murdered his mom. Oh, god. I had just seen Minority Report, so I thought it was a premonition. I had him thrown into jail after framing him for something he didn't do. That is the worst thing I have ever heard.
And he's not pretty much your ex. Yeah, he's basically my ex. No, he's not.
Not even a little bit. Well, anyways, his mom ended up dying, so it worked out. What? From a tennis injury, not a murder. It's fine. Oh, my god.
This is so awkward. Cheryl, this is not awkward, OK?
You ruined his life. Oh, would you just chill out, Katie? You chill out.
He was only in prison for 12 years, and they let him Skype into his daughter's birth. Pretty sweet. 12 years is a long time.
You're a terrible person.
It's coming this way. Let's swap places. No, no. Stop it. Cheryl. Yes.
False alarm. It's not him.
OK, good. OK.
And you know, come to think of it, it would be so out of character for that dude to wear something like that. Cheryl. Also, that dude looked nothing like the dude I'd framed and thrown into jail.
Oh, my god. And come to think of it, that dude died in prison. Oh, my god. Yeah.
Thanks for watching that promo of Kingpin Katie. If you liked it, I'm going to blow your mind. There's full episodes you can watch right now on Dropout. They're action packed, and they're super funny.
And I'm saying that, and I don't know why. I normally am not proud of the things I'm in. Go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today. I'm writing this ticket. I look down. I wrote it for a bagel violation rather than a parking violation. |
dropout | ace_and_jocelyn_episode_2 | Hey, what strange and foreign planet are we on today Ace? Oh, not this again. Ooh, what crazy denim pants are these?
Go on and strut them for the camera.
I have an idea. Why don't you just leave, okay? Get out of here. Do something else. Good thinking my co-astronaut accountant. We could cover more ground that way. Unfortunately, I would never leave you. So, think again, alright? Jesus Christ, listen.
Amir, just never leave me alone, please. Always be close to me. Just never be far away.
I'm honestly begging you. That'd be great, please. Sure thing, Ace. Sure thing.
You're gonna edit this like a chill dude, aren't you? I always do. Next week on Ace and Jocelyn, astronaut accountants from outer space. Once to record. It's not that hard. Just, okay. Do you have my whole body?
Turn it sideways.
Sure thing, Ace. I'll come to your birthday party. Excellent. How much did I owe you? I don't think you did anything.
Five bucks. Five dollars? I said three bucks. Give it to me. |
dropout | what_it_s_like_to_be_super_high_pov | The joke is that we've been preparing for this party is awesome probably shouldn't smoke though Make me a little anti-social. I'll just politely decline and sure I'll take a hit It's good shit, huh? It's hydro hash infused indica from Amsterdam It's super mellow. Don't worry about it. Oh Super mellow probably won't even get high if I were to get high how would I know? What if you were high and you didn't know it, but everyone else did oh god, that's what's happening to me right now They all know I'm high.
It's so obvious and I'm the only one who doesn't know What do you say? Oh god? How long has it been since I've talked? I need to say something right now I have to take my mind words and make them mouth words do it speak make a sound come from within yourself I have to go to the bathroom Everyone hates you everyone hates you everyone hates you why'd you even come to this party?
We call these people your friends, but that's a lie. Is it even possible to truly know another person? Or are we all doomed to be alone whoa?
There are so many different types of pasta Humans are amazing we take wheat and grind it or something we use it to make all these beautiful shapes So many beautiful shapes They're talking about how high you are you stupid fuck you stupid stupid stupid just get to the bathroom, then you'll be safe My mouth is very dry He knows Everyone knows oh god am I getting higher? How is that even possible? Finally safe at last it's weird in here like a zoo This is the place where we come to dump our waste like animals by taking this act I've linked myself to my animal brethren ooh. I have to write that down oh God, this is so intense. I can feel every thimble of urine leave my bladder How much pee is in me? I've been peeing for hours when I open the door the party will be over and everyone will have gone home And I spent the whole party being god damn it. I'm so weird Dude, just get it together look at yourself. You're fine. Everyone gets a little high. You're a person You're a normal person a normal regular person now go outside be normal. You're fine Dude, there were so many different types of pasta Oh Hey, I'm Adam from college humor if you liked that video click here to subscribe here to watch another video or here to see my penis oh Your screen doesn't go that far. Oh wow really gonna miss out |