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cracked | more_like_men_of_l_a_response_to_that_women_of_l_a_video_with_noel_wells | Hi!
Welcome to LA! Thank you so much for meeting me at this cafe. Yeah. I can't believe I just graduated with a four year degree and now I'm in LA, pursuing a meaningful and rewarding career in the entertainment industry. All I need now is a long term boyfriend. Aww, honey. This is LA.
Guys here don't really like to settle down. What? The men of LA cannot be that shallow. They have to want more out of women than just sex. I fucked you once, then I'm done. Girl, I'm here to have fun. We're the men of LA. She texted me, she's needy, talked too much, just blow me. We're the men of LA.
Her boobs are small, she's too tall, she's too fat. Did I mention her boobs are small?
We're the men of LA. I'm a douche, I'm a douche, I am also a douche. We're the men of LA. Well, this is a story all about how I moved to LA.
Hey, Noel. What?
Somebody else just uploaded a women of LA parody? It's also called men of LA? What are the odds? Okay, I see what they're doing here, but I think it's just like a little too on the nose. Ours was gonna be so much better. We were going to subtly reveal the misogyny in the women of LA video while also making money off of the ad revenue from the traffic of the original. Well, wait a second. The original women of LA video doesn't even have a million views. Weren't we sure this was gonna go like super viral?
Fuck. Shit. Okay, how much money have we spent on this? $5,000. Cool. God damn it, I thought we were gonna be a lot of victims. Boom.
Okay, okay. Shh. It's okay. I'm sorry. Um, everybody gather round. Um, I am so sorry to do this, but we are canceling this production.
All the Venice surfer dudes, you can catch the next wave out of here. Echo Park hipsters, they never showed up. Boren transplants, fitness buffs, pickup artists, date rapists, baristas, baristas who are also date rapists.
Get on out of here. Actually, we could send the helicopters home. Every single stereotype I can think of that I've invited here to work for free. We don't need you anymore.
We're not doing the video. Doing video parodies of comedy videos is dumb.
Hey, do you guys know if we get to keep all the money we raised on Kickstarter? Message? We already paid for the theater.
Hey guys, I'm Adam Ganser. I'm a writer and producer and director at the site, and I just wanted to thank you for a great 2012. Let you know that there's a lot of really cool videos coming up next year. You're going to love all of them, I hope. Or I won't, I guess I won't do them anymore. Anyway, subscribe please to the site. We'll make more videos. Because I make about a quarter of whatever we make on every video if you like them. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_166_Paul_Field | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Petuta Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to the Petuta Advocate radio show, recording live here in downtown Petuta. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, and of course, Errol Parker, editor at large.
Morning, Errol. Good morning, Clancy. It's a great day up here in the Diamantina. We had a bit of rain this morning.
Good for the wheat farmers, good for the cotton farmers. Not so good for the yuppies who are on their way to the farmers market, but you know, can't please everyone with the weather, can you?
No, you can't. You can't.
And today's guest has been described as the hardest working man in rock and roll and several other industries, stage, music, all kinds of stuff like that. A bit of VO work there.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Thank you for joining us, Paul Field. G'day. It's great to be here, guys. You've got a storied career, and we'll go over a lot of it today. Can you take us back to where it started when you first picked up an instrument, when you first grabbed a microphone?
Yeah, I'm the middle of seven children. So that's already, you know, I'm into therapy already. And it's, but it was great, a great family, four boys, three girls.
Mum was music mad. And we grew up in the sixties, you know, so she used to say, learning to play an instrument is as important as learning to read and write. And also, seriously, it sounds like I grew up in the Great Depression, but she would literally play the piano to us, the mob of us, to calm us down, to get us focused and dah, dah, dah.
You had Von Trapp stuff going on there. Yeah, just, yeah, Von state police, you know, like just to calm us down and get us focused, you know.
But it was good. And it gave us, and she loved music, so she would play stuff on the stereo. We exposed lots of forms of music. And on dad's side, dad couldn't play a note, but loved music.
But his mother and dad were from Cobar, Northwest New South Wales. And they had a pub up there and ran it, the Great Western. And my grandmother, Kathleen, would accompany on piano, the silent movies in Cobar. And then on mum's side, there's Queenie Paul, who's an old Tivoli theatre performer.
So it's kind of in the DNA. But yeah, we were encouraged to play music and dad also was a pharmacist and in the Western suburbs. He grew up around Blacktown and he eventually became a counsellor, a drug counsellor, a dispenser, methadone, all that kind of stuff. And he learned from that that good kids from good families just went off the rails. And the message he got from that was, if you're into something and you dig it, just go with it. And so, because we love music, he encouraged us.
And we were teenagers where the last three of us, I was born May 61, Johnny May 62, and Anthony May 63. So very close. Irish triplets. Yeah, that's a good expression. And again, I don't know how mum did that. God help us, you know, like looking after us. And that's the last hurrah, the youngest three. Where there's a will, there's a way.
Yeah, and we're ratbags too, you know, like, so anyway. And so when we're into music, it encourages us. So at 17, for whatever reason, even though we're close together, I was booking us into pubs and clubs in the cross. Yeah, right. And we just thought nothing different of that, you know, and so we're very lucky to get into it. And yeah, it was great.
The cockroaches started playing in high school for other high school kids. Then when they went to uni, we started playing the uni balls.
And then and again, in Sydney, in those days and Australia, every pub was a venue. Yeah. So we kind of rode the last wave of the pub rock era in. And we knew how to put on a good show. You know, we just had fun and it was kind of infectious. So we did that for years and years, put out independent singles. And but we had built up a bloody huge following. And so by the time our first album came out in 1987, early 87, it debuted in the Sydney charts at number two. And these are the days when not every album came out on CD. And the record company said, you know, we might put this out on CD. And that was just off the back of everyone having seen you before. Yes, yeah, yeah. And we've got an album coming out. We just flogged it, you know, and we would play play six or seven nights a week, you know, and sometimes a few nights, a few gigs per night. You know, the uni balls where like we do a regular gig at the Samwell Grill there in the North Shore, then there'd be like, you know, John's College gig and then an Andrews College gig, one in the morning and three in the morning. And one of those early ones, we come on at one in the morning and the band that followed us because they just come over from Perth was in excess because they just come over, had one single out.
And even then, actually, I remember we said, God, look at that guy. And he had leather pants who in Australia had leather pants. And he was just a staff and the word goes back to the era.
It was great. And we learned our craft that way. You know, you try to learn what worked. Yeah. So it's a great era. So do you reckon the the old man's job is, you know, in the drug and alcohol counseling and do you reckon that's what kept the cockroaches on the straight and narrow? Because you guys do have a reputation for being in the middle of that scene.
But staying straight, I wouldn't say square, but staying square. I don't care. Yeah, but it's absolutely, absolutely true.
Because seriously, Dad would go out to people who were overdosed.
Right. Yeah. We had customers that come over. We all worked in the shop. Right. You know, poor people coming in who were just off their head and he'd explain what they're doing and what's happened to them. So you're right. We were playing in the cross and we got offered everything. Right. Yeah. And to us, like, we still love our grog and all that kind of stuff, but it held no allure. Right.
And in fact, our oldest brother, Patrick, he loves music, but wasn't in the band. And we're up the cross playing and this guy came backstage with literally with a bag.
Of everything. An arsenal. Yeah. An arsenal.
Like the Keith Richards kid, right? You know, and just said, Hey guys. Right. And Patrick went, A lazy Susan of drugs. Thank you. There's a good description. And Patrick said, Hey mate, you're a drug dealer.
And he laughed and went, I guess I am. He said, boy, if you come to the wrong place.
So yeah, we just didn't get into it. Lucky us.
Yeah. That way down to INXS. Yeah. Oh, I don't know. But yeah.
Do you find with those, you know, the, the reputation that rock music has, or just, you know, music, popular musicians, rock stars for partying. What do you think that is? Do you think that's more of the, a personality thing of the type of person who gets into music or is it more of a lifestyle thing? Bit of both. No question. The introverts do end up finding a fondness for certain substances, I guess. Oh yeah.
And also it's a hard job. The road's not for everyone. I mean, in the crew, particularly, they're kind of like military, they're first in, last out. So there's a natural penchant for things that can keep you up, you know, that kind of stuff.
And then, yeah, because it's, you know, again, I guess I was lucky to have brothers and friends in the band, you know, but like, yeah, as I said, even though we didn't get into the, have you in cuffs drugs, Grog, we like Irish background. So we liked our Grog. One famous night in the days before responsible drinking, we're in a nightclub, speaking of nightclubs in Melbourne, and we'd had a huge, Molly Meldrum was flying out the next night. We'd been on countdown.
He literally went to the bar and said, these guys are on my card. It's like, whoa, my brother, John could not move. Right. And the roadies had tried to get into like, there's a club next door. They tried to get in and they went, nah, nah, whatever. They might've just been not well-dressed. Johnny could not move. And they said, oh, we want to go to the place next door. So they carried him literally like a boat on their shoulders, right? Get to the door of the club. And that guy went, nah, mate, you're not coming in. And he lifted, they lifted his head and went, it's the guy from the cockroaches. And I went, yeah, okay. So he was carried into a venue.
So, yeah, you know, like, it's here, you look for enjoyment, you know? Yeah. It's a bit different these days up the cross, isn't it? Oh, it's, yeah, they've killed it.
The developers, the government, everyone. And also, jizz, you know, in COVID and the rest of it, the industry that helps everyone out, think of bushfire relief, flood relief, anything going, muses get together, we're just being cast aside, they don't care. And, yeah, and let alone, they've shut every decent venue in Sydney. We're going to be like bloody Singapore, you know, and no one's speaking up for us, which is a pity because apart from a lot of things, we'll lose a lot of good crew, you know, as a mate of mine in America posted something about, they should give the vaccination distribution to rock and roll crews.
You get a lanyard, you did it done over a weekend, a freebie and a meet and greet with Fauci. Bump in, bump out.
Yeah, they get it bloody well done. Yeah, they do. They do. They move pretty quick. Yeah.
So from there, can you tell us a lot of the, you know, you end up going on to manage the wiggles and I guess those skills we're talking about, bump in, bump out probably worked very, you know, hand in hand with that kind of journey. A lot of the people that would be familiar with your later work weren't alive for the cockroaches. Yeah, it was interesting. It was a progression. So when the wiggles first started and I didn't manage them at first, I did a bunch of other things, but we would have, I'll use the term, girls that used to come see the cockroaches. We had a young audience. We're now bringing their kids to see the wiggles and now 30 years since those kids are bringing their children.
So it's a generational thing. But yeah, you've got three generations of, uh, it is interesting in that regard because that's always what the comics have done, right?
Eddie Murphy, Adam Sandler, they do their raw feral stuff when they literally Eddie Murphy, raw, hilarious. And then daddy daycare around the same time those young people are having kids, it kind of creates a, well, I guess for him it was calculated for you guys. It just kind of worked perfectly without even thinking on it.
Yeah. And you know, one of the great strengths, the terms used nowadays is authentic, you know, and the wiggles were organically created and cracking the States, you know, and we had, you know, years of doing our own thing, but also when we first tried to break into the States, one of the big things, you know, they were saying, you sound too Australian and the Americans at that stage, remember Mad Max was dubbed for God's sake, you know, so by the suits that know such things, they said, you know, you sound too Australian, blah, blah, blah. And we said, and again, I'm not early childhood train, but Anthony was, I said, look, children, they're just starting putting sentences together. The Boston accent is profoundly different for the one in Tennessee. Yeah. Right. So what you're talking about doesn't relate to the children as long as they can be understood. Your brother, your brother made that call as an early childhood. Yeah, he told me about it. Yeah.
And so I certainly said to them, try the video, take it to the local preschools, play it and then come back. And that's when they come back and went, wow. Remember at the same time when they'll go on, you're too Aussie, you know, dah, dah, dah, you won't work here. Thomas the Tank Engine, which was massive show was first hitting the States and the same thing. And they did, they re-voiced it with American voices.
Here's the awful punchline. And I want to meet the dickhead who made this decision, but they re-voiced Ringo Starr, who was narrating Thomas the Tank Engine, so who sacked a beetle? I suppose it'd be a bit hard for an American to hear like, and then here comes Thomas down the truck. What's he saying? But like, you know, like if it's like, here comes Thomas, you know, chugging along.
They replaced it with Kid Rock. And the joke is once you start over there, they then spend a fortune to make them stand out from the rest.
Yeah. Whereas we sounded different from the word go. Yeah. So you did have an edge that they would have had to spend money on anyway.
So can you tell us from the cockroaches, the DNA of the cockroaches who ended up on that journey with you? So we started at school in high school. So myself, my two brothers, Johnny and Anthony, the drummer, Tony Henry was at school with us. And then we picked up a bass player and Jeff Fatt, the keyboard player for the cockroaches.
He and his brother Hilton used to run a PA business and they were great. They were cheap, really efficient, and they delivered to your gig and pick it up later.
And for the millennials at home, this is wake up, Jeff.
We're talking. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. And so eventually, and I'm quite serious when I say this, apart from a few bucks that you'd make, we used to do a lot of uniballs where they'd feed you. Yeah. Right. And very primal beings. Yeah. And I just said to Jeff, he was playing in a rockabilly band at the time. I said, mate, join us. You get better fed, better bucks. Yeah. And that was it. Right. Jeff was in. Yeah, right.
And then with a similar decision made for the Wiggles, was everyone thinking better bucks, better feed? No, no, no, no. Bigger markets? Yeah, no, there was none of that.
Although if Anthony's into anything, it's 100%. And the cockroaches, we'd had this massive success, as I say, biggest pulling band at one stage, platinum album, gold album had done it all.
And then we had a family tragedy. So in 1988, when we were touring, actually, my daughter, Bernadette, passed away from sudden infant death syndrome. And it killed me, you know, I'll never get over that, you know, and it had a profound effect on the band. Like I imploded, we didn't want to tour.
And at the same time, the industry changed. So, you know, you had pop radio, like two SM, three XY and the equivalent round Australia, where if it was a hit, they'd play you pick a number 12 times a day. It was bloody awesome for the industry.
He had countdown. If you're on countdown, mate, you're in every home in Australia.
So we rode that wave in, and then it changed in 88 where FM radio kicked in. And ironically, again, the same suits who probably made the decision about Thomas the Tank Engine, the same kind of thinking went, okay, FM radio, the cockroaches. And it's true. We had a young female audience at the time. Okay.
And even though we played more pubs than anyone, we were seen as a teen band, so we weren't going to get played on that. So we kind of limped on, as I say, a wounded man and, you know, the band. And it became a bit of hard work. And Anthony was kind of the canary down the mine. He just went, it's not fun, so let's look to do other things.
And he actually said, why don't we make an album of children's music? Cause he had been studying at uni, which at the time was like, mate, what are you talking about?
That's what I'm saying. Like that is such a pivot. Well, and so what happened? It's such unbroken ground. Yeah, yeah. And it was like, why don't we build a rocket ship? Seriously. Right.
You know, and, and so he went off and did it himself, which was probably the best thing because, you know, whatever role I had and Johnny's role with musically. So he did it himself because he knew early childhood. And so in 1991, it was interesting. The cockroach was still going, kind of just limping on. I formed a rockabilly band, which contained most of the cockroaches, by the way, Anthony and Jeff Brinnett, and he started the Wiggles, which was literally the first album he did to help him get a job as a preschool teacher, which he did.
And then he thought, gee, you know what? I should actually, we've had this success. I should take it the ABC and again, the universe, cause in all success, you need a bit of luck. There's a woman called Meryl Gross who her first week in the job at ABC, she'd been at festival records where the cockroaches have been. And they took the tape in with this kind of, you know, like your uni project. Here's the reason why these songs work. And she went, you know what?
There's nothing like them.
I've had the success of the cockroaches, even though it wasn't the whole band. And I had a few good nights out listening to ear blows. A hundred percent.
And she, she signed them in her first week. She signed the Wiggles and Lee Kernigan, two of the biggest selling acts of all time. So she had a good week.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. One that's paid off in the long run. Yeah.
I'm interested to hear what the press was like, you know, in those transitional years. Like a lot of the fans, the Wiggles probably went around from a lot of people that they were seeing, you know, this big successful band kind of put things on hold and kind of atrophy and come out the other side as, as a children's band. Like what was the press around, you know, in those early days? Did they think you'd partied a bit too hard? Yeah, no, I guess purely because for the first few years they're off the radar, right? And having been in a band where you are lied to and ripped off by agents who that's what they do. They just, a lot of them, I should say, you know, generalize where, you know, they double dip in this blah, blah, blah.
So no one thought there was anything worthy of it. In fact, the Wiggles first went to meet with a theatrical agent and they said, look, this is what we do. Here's some of the songs, real show and tell. And she went, look, that's great, but I got to tell you, there'll be no money in it for me and no money in it for you. So no one believed in them at first.
So they just started their own thing and they played preschools. And again, for those who have got little kids fundraisers at preschool, you put a cake stall or a fake, it's a huge amount of effort. We went to the preschools and nursing mothers association said, look, we'll come along and play.
You sell the tickets, they fire back a ticket. You take a buck out of each ticket.
That's it. They do it. It's like, God, that was good. God, that was easy money.
And it grew from there. So we're off the radar, away from the agent, started with that. So when you came along a bit after they got the ball rolling, but at what point was the decision made to keep the Wiggles as something you all own? It just naturally grew and grew to where...
Because those suits weren't coming in at that point. Is that why?
Yeah, no one believed in them. No one understood it. Now you can say, you know, like the Wiggles then it was like, I don't know.
So they were doing huge life business, et cetera. And, and here's a real tangent, you know, off, but in those years, while I still work with them, I'm literally would dress, be in some of the suits, provide the kids for the, I was every character.
I clearly worked cheap. So, you know, I worked at the Supreme court for a judge for three years. I worked in the investigation team at the Royal commission of the police service for three years.
And by that stage, the Wiggles had really set themselves up as a big touring act. And I'd finished at the commission and then Anthony went, can you manage this? And the good thing there is the biggest thing I had going for me was a shared experience of being ripped off and blah, blah, blah. And also trust was the big one. You could trust me. Yeah. And so the Wiggles office, when I first started was three people, including me. And I booked their gigs, eventually produced and direct their videos and TV. And it grew organically, but it was a good time to join. And cause of that experience and paralegal experience and all the rest of it, you know, I think from the word go, I believed in what they did.
They were bloody good. They would know and liked them. They had good songs. And so I had that enthusiasm from the word go.
And you could call it bluff at that point too. You just sick and tired of the, uh, what was the most ridiculous offer? We spoke to Hamish and Hamish Blake about this Hamish and Andy, and he tells stories of being invited into boardrooms and someone going, so what do you want to do? Like, Hey, you invited us in here, right? We don't know any. And then like just the dodgy contracts that get put in front of you.
And, uh, but by that stage, and again, 10 years of the cockroaches is invaluable education, right? You know, so I, we all had the thing. If it's a legal question, get a lawyer. If it's commercial consumer products, get an expert in that. So we're good. We saved a lot of bucks, even though that cost you initially, we weren't going to get ripped off like that.
However, in those non-belief, no one knew what we're doing. No one believed in us era.
We had a meeting with the ABC kind of at gunpoint is in by nine year five. We were there on mid nineties.
Yeah. We were their biggest selling act on video and music. So someone said, this is ridiculous. We should, you know, we should do something with them, but the, those, some of the people or whatever in TV, if it wasn't their creation, then they didn't want to know about it. Yeah.
So they had a meeting, you know, in the Godfather talking about an offer you can't refuse. This was an offer we couldn't accept where they literally sat around and one of them had an inflatable ball.
I don't know why we're spinning that and go, okay, so tell me, what do you do? What do you do? It's like, oh, really?
And here's a great statement. And so at that same meeting, one of them said, look, I've, I've heard your music and you know, not all of it's good, you know, um, again, inside after inside. And then he's, he's the great statement.
Three of the four early childhood trained had been preschool teachers were the biggest selling act in preschool, let alone most genres. And this great quote, this guy said, I don't think you communicate well with children.
So they said, here's the offer. And again, to their credit, they said, yeah, okay, we'll give it a go. We'll make some film clips with you, but you won't talk, right? You'll just do the songs, right? And it's again, to their credit.
And so immediately the guys had a bit of a uniform that was kind of past experience with what it works, you know, identifying it, you know, so their color, different shirts at this stage and long black pants, et cetera, et cetera. The first thing they did was change it. So suddenly the wheels are into shorts, they're wearing caps, like kids that hadn't grown up. I don't know, it was weird, right?
And we're making this clip and I think it was, it was for hot potato and someone with the clipboard come around, okay, the fire engine's coming in about half an hour. So we'll get you guys to wait. And they went, what's the fire engine for? And, and they went, oh, you know, kids love fire engines. So there's gotta be a fire engine in the clip.
It's like, wow. So one of my first jobs in management was nuking that clip and saying this shall never be played. It was a great experience because from that we went, you know what, trust ourselves. We know what we're doing. And that was a big lesson for nuking this.
And then the, uh, the fire engine got appropriated into the big red car. No, that was heavily inspired by the monkeys.
Well, kids of the sixties. So they left you with nothing.
But it was good. You know? Yeah. I was just almost laughing then that, you know, the spinning the ball and everything like that. But, um, Hamish and Andy were referencing Hamish Blake before he said they got that same treatment with a triple J breakfast. Oh, wow.
Like going with a commercial radio station is the stupidest thing you could ever do. Don't ever do that.
And they're like, we're just going to go with our gut here. Yeah. And they were like, if you turn down triple J, you'll be back working in a bank in two months. I guarantee it. The money's still pretty good. We're going to go this way.
And that was a lesson from us. Experts cannot be trusted really because they're paid to give an opinion and we might survive from the mentals and, you know, the chisel and other things where they begin with advice that was totally wrong from people who didn't know what they're on about and same thing in the early days. And again, to the wiggles credit, you know, I was far more forget that, you know, but they were always, Oh, let's see. They might know what they're talking about. And there was an expert who produced some of the biggest children selling acts on TV. He had a look at us and said, I kid you not lose the dinosaur Dorothy, which is kind of like someone someone to walk, lose the mouse, you know? So after those experiences that we went, okay, we don't need just stick to what we know.
Yeah. About a year ago we spoke to us, some boys from a pop band or they call you on the five seconds of summer. Oh yeah. Yeah. And we'll speak into one of the books in the band and, uh, and this is after they just come back from doing like 10 back to back big things like, um, I did a Wembley. Yeah.
Like I did one direction or whatever, but they still were Wembley and I had like a hundred thousand there and they, um, and we asked him, it's like, Oh, so what's your goal for next year? And this guy's like, Oh, I just like to be able to, you know, to buy my mom an apartment or something or, or a house. It's like, mate, what fucking contract did you sign? Three albums in, mate. Like you've sold 17 million records. He wanted to buy his mom a flat in Windsor.
I said, what's going on here, fellas? Well, and again, the bands from that era, you know, actually even to this day, that's very true, which is why not many people get legal advice, but cause we'd had the experience with the cockroaches from the word go, that's what we did. And you're right. Peter Garrett, many years ago, we were at a wedding once and the cockroaches had big hits at this stage and blah, blah, blah. And he, I don't know what prompted him, but it was, it was, I've never forgotten. He said, guys, the biggest strength a band can have is the ability to say no. Yeah. I went, wow. And it's very true. And so we have a few times personally with the wiggles, with the cockroaches and whatever occasionally thinking, Oh God, there will never be another opportunity. And there is, don't sign that five album contract just cause it felt sweet to be in like business class. You know what I mean?
Well, and moving pitches who are massive in Australia, and they signed a big American deal and everyone's like, wow, wow, wow. And American companies and Americans can be like this sometimes just ruthless where they got to the stage where they kind of shelved them and went, we're not going to release your album, but we don't want anyone else to. And they had to break up.
Really? Yeah. So lots of stories like that. Yeah, yeah.
There's a lot of horror stories. I mean, the one thing everyone's always said about the wiggles is that they were able to own it from the start and keep it in house, which it's a success story in terms of the audience and what it's done and you know, the stories and experiences that every young people in Australian America have experienced off the back of the wiggles. But also it's it's a success story in the sense of you look at people like independent bands or you look at someone like Billy Birmingham. He owned his own shit from the start and you've got that kind of narrative as well in the story.
Yeah, very much. And again, for that reason, no one believed in them. Right. And and so we made our own TV and you know, with the bucks we made from live, reinvested it and own everything. I stopped saying week as I've retired, but they've made and not even the Beatles own their own stuff. You know what I mean?
So it's about Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson's oldest daughter.
Wow. Paris Jackson owns the entire Beatles. It's just kind of like your real estate agent saying, I'm not selling your house. I now own it. And I think like EMI owns all of Bob Dylan now.
Oh God. Yeah, yeah. His entire back had a log. Which if he chose to sell it, no worries. David Bowie did that. Oh no, yeah. See for that reason. Cash him while you can. Good on him. He did. He was like, I'm 80 and I'd like to have $400 million. Yeah. So I guess. Leave that for my rap star son, grandson.
Well, and same with the Wiggles, that whole thing of when we're working with other people, they eventually, like I'm an example of it, work with people you get on with, you can trust and the rest of it. And in the early days, particularly with Crew, it's a bit of snobbery because what we're making was children's stuff. I imagine that was, you know, that's not real rock and roll. It's like, well, it's fun and it certainly pays better than whatever the fuck's going on the pub down the road, boys. But like the Crew, production Crew, post-production thing where they'd have this, whereas ironically enough, and I'll stop selling them in a moment, but it's the preschool audience is the most honest audience, right?
If they don't dig you, they walk.
Yeah. Right. Whereas as adults, if you've bought the ticket, you've paid for parking, you've gone to the restaurant, got the babysitter, you're ready to enjoy it. Yeah. Right. Okay. Yeah. So anyway, they can walk away from it. They'll walk up to mum and say, yeah, let's get the car going. Yeah. So it's funny.
And then that's why four decades they've used a lot of the same people because who respect what they do, who are good to work with. And we did a movie with 20th Century Fox in the late nineties. And we had someone working with us fairly senior position in the movie. And we never done a movie before who after a day we went, you know what?
See you mate. Just yelling at people and stuff. We don't need that.
Yeah. Right. So yeah. When, when did the penny drop that we've made an incredibly good decision to go down this path? Oh, probably certainly once they started selling out where they were part of ABC shows, we don't have a number of acts and then you go, they're all here for us. Yeah. That was the, Oh wow. And then we do our own tour. Everything just was step by step. Getting those carol and domains. Yes. All of a sudden you've got the domain to yourself. Yeah. Those moments where you just realise. And then again, same with the States where they literally started off at a blockbuster video store with more PR people than the actual audience supporting captain kangaroo at sea world. Right. And then doing our own shows at small theatres and churchills that I booked with others over there. And then Disney, we'd had success with them here and they came to us and said, we'd like you to write the theme song for our new channel. Wow. Yeah.
And before online existed, they were huge. They play our show four times a day. And we went from that to the biggest, one of the biggest touring acts in the States and the world, you know?
So yeah. Disney, when that dropped, that was another level of pennies. That was when the hammer dropped. Four.
But the, you know, the rock dog lives on and you particularly, there's been cockroaches reunions over the years. We did a few. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got our catalogue back and wanted to re-release it, you know, cause you couldn't get anywhere. And I said to everyone, let's have a reunion show. And particularly Anthony and Jeff, at that stage, you were doing like 300 and something shows a year. So we went, really? We're going to do a gig? But they actually did enjoy the process. We did like, DY, RSL, Rudy, Hill, RSL, Brizzy Gig and whatever. And actually was fun and they enjoyed it, you know, and whatever. And so I did that and I was still playing the rockabilly bear and the rest of it.
But just before COVID kicked, and I don't know if this is the universe talking or what, but that's when I decided, you know, I'm nearly 60. It's time to, I've done my job, you know, with the Wiggles. Every time we had a lineup change, it was like starting again. We nearly went out of business at the start of the last iteration change.
Seriously, challenges. But we relaunched 30 million CDs and DVDs, sold 8 million books, broadcast in 190 countries. They got the secret sauce these fellas. Well, mission accomplished, you know, and particularly with the latest iteration, they were on their way again. And I just thought, and also the natural evolution, they're all creative types. More and more, I said from before where I produced and directed everything, blah, blah, blah. They do more and more and more of themselves, even internally.
So it was like, OK, I can still sell them and the rest of it. But if I'm going to make a change, it's now. And so it was good, you know, and then COVID hit. Oh, my God. Great idea, Paul. And but I was lucky. And funny enough, Jimmy Barnes is a great friend.
And, you know, from way back in the days, I mentioned my daughter passing away. We did a, not much was known about Sid's way back then. And I did an awareness and fundraising concert.
And he was the first guy to say yes. And he's like that. He's just a decent bloke and lovely, lovely, lovely man. And he's also lost a few friends along the way. So when he asked how you're going, he actually doesn't let you go.
Yeah, no worries. But how are you? No, no, no. And then so I told him, I left the wig and went, what? You know, so what are you doing? And I said, actually, you know, no one was doing anything.
But he went, you need to get creative. He said, you bloody love music. Do that. And I went, yeah, I was thinking. And then it just just helped me. And yeah. And so this album started putting together. And he said, come to my studio. Right.
It was like kids in a sandpit. We just had the best fun.
And all the friends I've made over the years in music, like Casey Chambers, Jimmy Barnes and others. I just, you know, asked them, do you want to join in on this? And I did a lot of my favorite songs of all time. And music is an indulgence, you know? And then Jimmy actually said, write some originals as well with your brother.
You know, I went, yeah, OK, good idea. So that's how it came about. And so this is Love Songs for Lonely People. Yeah, this is the solo. Yeah. All right. And you've got all these friends on board. You've got Casey, you've got Jimmy. Yeah, right. This is it's it's it's a blast. And actually, you can't be mates with him and not have great stories. Two of the big things during Covid. He said, OK, when this when we can get together, we're going to have a get together. Yeah. Right.
And I'm from a big family. We have wild parties. His are the best.
Right. Jane is the best cook in the country. Right. And even though he's very much straight down the line nowadays, you can still tie one on. Yeah. Right. As I'd imagine. And so the first get together, the pioneer of it in fact. Yes. No, seriously. And then I just overindulged. All right.
And I literally towards the end of the night, there's a fireplace, a little table, which a cat could fit under. And there's a lambswool rug under that. And that was calling me. So I slept under this occasionally.
And I'll do an accent, you know, Paul, you're there. You're still breathing. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And to this day, it is the best sleep I've ever had in my life.
So much so in the melodramatic field way. I had a plaque made up and it's under that table. So the next survivor of his look at that and he's left it there. Thankfully, the other thing is my brother, John, who co-produced this album and so on, he does a lot of gigs like mainly functions, corporate things, weddings, all that kind of stuff, because their band's awesome, right? They've done a lot of country stuff or whatever. And we're talking about this the other day. And he was saying, just because you get requests and it's like, kind of we do what we do, but sure, you know, and oftentimes you have to say, I don't know that song or whatever else.
And he said, because Australia loves Chisel and Jimmy, right? You know, so he said, I get asked to do Chisel songs all the time. And he said, Jimmy's got like an eight octave voice.
Right. Best singer on the planet. Right. And he said, I just won't do it right. So I got Jimmy to record on video. Yeah. As Jimmy Barnes, I don't want John Field doing my songs. All right.
He can get his own. And he said so gigs when they ask him, he plays the video on his phone and I go, yeah, so he's a good man. Troy, Troy Casadelli was saying the same thing. I said, it's a similar story to you. Just Jimmy kind of gave him a kick up the ass and said, I like your writing and get the ball rolling.
And there you go. And I guess it's kind of happened with a lot of people over the years. You know, I guess you're all friends. That's that's it. That's the thing at the end of the day, isn't it? It is. But and, you know, our paths cross.
But it's funny in the last five years or so, we've worked together on a couple of things and I got to know him really well. And it's the same guy. He was always hard of gold, lovely bloke, but just, yeah, different lifestyle, you know, and one that would have killed him really if he didn't. Now he's an elder of the whole thing. He's an elder. And also, he's got so much more time where he's awake. It's from his mouth.
Right. And he that's the way he just keeps busy and doing things. And they're all great. Yeah. So he's a great example. And you're right.
We all kind of lose confidence.
Should I do this? Why not? Yeah. Why not? And why not?
We'll we'll be we'll be right across this when it comes out. Paul, thank you. Thank you for joining us today.
Love Songs for Lonely People.
Get it at all good CD stores on the line. Yeah, this is one you've actually got to buy in a physical format. Yeah, it will be on vinyl too. On vinyl.
Yeah. OK. It'll be in a little while, but it'll come out.
Put it on the boat. Put it on in the car. Put it on at the beach house.
You get a couple of get a copy for each. Thank you for joining us. Pleasure. Paul Field. What are you on? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_182_Lech_Blaine_and_the_myth_of_the_larrikin | Yeah, you know what I always like to say about this podcast is that more often than not on this interview podcast, it's quantity over quality. Each week we have to shoehorn some radio host, some two-bit sportsman into this show to keep our listeners happy, but this week is not one of those weeks. This is a week where we have... Everyone's happy. This is a week where it's going to be a conversation worth listening to, as opposed to many of our previous ones. Yeah, as opposed to stories about 19-year-old footballers doing an Achilles tendon and how important that is to the world.
Or listening to some politician tell them, just come in here and just fucking lie to me. You've got these people that come in, they're a lifelong public servant, and you'd ask them, you've been in the Liberal Party, you've been in the Labour Party since you were 19, what in blue fuck do you know about the world? People like that come in here. Yeah, and then they just bullshit to you.
Well, today's guest, as I mentioned before, it's the second appearance on here, he's a Western Queensland export, which is why we're very happy to have him on. A bit of representation in the Australian media, particularly. He makes up what I believe is this new, I guess we'd call it the Queensland Literary Renaissance. He's joined by the esteemed Rick Morton, local Batutah boy. Brydie Jabbour, who we've had on here before, she's from Grafton, but we'll claim her. Spent a lot of time in Queensland. And of course, Brie Lee, Trent Dolden, Melissa Lukashenko. There's a lot happening in the Sunshine State when it comes to the words and letters. And today's guest is definitely a part of that.
Lech Blain, thank you for joining us. Good to see you guys.
Now Lech, last time we spoke, you had just finished writing an essay that was published right across the country about Hillsong, about the Hillsong Church. And you also kind of came to our attention when you wrote a long form kind of journalistic essay about the 2019 election result, how good is Queensland? And since then, you've kind of followed that line of writing, you know, talking about the Australian middle class, the Australian working class, a lot of stuff on rural Queensland.
And you're actually quite good at dissecting, you know, the fears and anxieties and aspirations of people that are completely ignored by the project or by even the ABC, unfortunately. The inner city media leaders have lost their way.
And everyone was quite interested in these essays you're writing, which was then a kind of contextualized by your memoirs that you released early this year, Car Crash by Lech Blain. That gave us a good insight as to who you are and where you're coming from with your writing. And you've gone ahead and written another essay, which we'll get to later in the show. But I want to start with the memoirs.
It tells a story of, you know, your young adulthood, your teenage years, and how a lot of people in Queensland will remember this yarn, you were involved in a car accident, where you were the only person to get out of the car unscathed, physically, it kind of goes into what else, you know, comes with that. Obviously, there's a lot of scarring and a lot of injury that people don't see. And especially when you're in a small town, and there's a lot of young kids involved. Can you tell us about Car Crash? What was it like?
It obviously took you a while to write, but how does it feel getting that out there, such a big part of your life, you know, pivotal moment in your life, and such a big part of everyone else's lives who are involved in the book that you mentioned? Yeah, it's one of those things that I've done, and it took me, obviously, a long time to write and a lot longer to live through. And the whole process of then publishing it, and even now still talking about it, like it probably hasn't still sunk in. It's not something that, you know, I definitely haven't come to peace with the accident itself. I haven't really, it hasn't rootfully sunk in that I wrote a book about it and published it. If all those things had have sunk in, I wouldn't have been able to like, publish the book, let alone go out and do interviews about it and talk about it publicly. So it's, yeah, it's just one of those day to day things, you know, it occasionally still occurs to me that like, I have written this book and that it is out in the world and that people are reading it completely unbeknownst to me. And so you get, then you get feedback, especially from people who it personally affected, that sort of makes it worth it. But there's no point that you really fully become comfortable with it. That doesn't mean that it wasn't worth doing, but it just means that like it, it's always an ongoing question, like, do the benefits outweigh the sort of discomfort that this might create for, for other people? Now with a story like yours, I won't call it a book because it's, you know, your memoirs.
With a story like yours, it's a confronting thing for a town to kind of, first of all, go through. Oh, it's obviously a traumatic thing for a town to go through and then revisit as well. But it also does help in some capacity people to heal, you know, when they kind of think about everything and everyone is remembered, you know, a lot of young blokes died in this car accident and, and Toowoomba, the town that you're from is a small town. What did you learn about, you know, these kind of communities in the aftermath of, of the accident? Like, you know, there's a lot to be said, but do towns come together in that circumstance or when something is truly that kind of traumatic, do they kind of get a bit flustered and a bit restless?
Yeah. So I had three mates who unfortunately died in the accident, Will, Hamish and Henry. And so obviously you have any sort of fatal accident like that.
And there's a, there's an element of voyeurism because it's a extremely traumatic, but also very public event because, you know, some of the first people on the scene were cameramen and journalists and reporters and that sort of thing. So that, that was really eye-opening and then Facebook had just taken off. So I remember going home that night, like one of the last things I did before I fell asleep was to post a condolence message on Facebook, which is a pretty weird thing. But it was the time, you know. And it just did create this extra layer of you've been through this traumatic event.
As I said, I walked away from the front seat without a scratch. So there was no barrier between me and going back into normal life, if that makes sense. Physically, I was, yeah, there was no, where do you go after an event like that?
If you aren't injured, if you don't have any injuries, you just go, you just go home and you go to bed and you're left to your own devices. Didn't spend a night in hospital.
I had a, my parents had split up a year earlier, so it was just me and my mum at home. I was the youngest of six siblings, so there was no, there was no one else around. And so I remember talking to a mate a couple of years ago, sort of as I was finishing off the book, and I just asked him for his memories of, of me at that time. And he's like, oh, I just remember coming around to your house after school a few times just to see how you were going. I just remember you were just like on your laptop, just, just out in the granny flat, just sort of like stationed there.
And it was almost like I was running a public relations campaign because there's a lot of stuff like that was public in terms of the posts that I was making, but then just a lot of private stuff and MSN was still a thing. And so you're just getting, you're almost like running a public relations campaign, not just for myself, but for the accident as well, because you have all these people who have questions and you feel a responsibility to sort of address the innuendos and the rumors. And there was like so many, like there was just all these things that started as little innuendos that then became just truths and just, just out, like these outrageous stories that just grew legs and became like a separate thing all of their own.
Because Toowoomba is a, you know, it's a bit of an awkward sized town. I mean, like it's not really a town, but it's not really a city that's 130,000, 140,000 people live there. So do you think because it happened in Toowoomba, it's that awkward size, do you think that contributed to the, you know, this rife kind of misinformation and innuendo gossip? Yeah, totally. And it's not just the, it being small in the sense that it, like a big country town in the sense that it, like people know each other, but that it's big enough that you have, they have like seven and nine both had their own like stations running out of the town and they've got their own reporters and journos. And so there is like a need to fill the news cycle with stuff, whereas a slightly smaller town doesn't have that, they're relying on, on outside news more. So it's, it's small enough, it's small enough that people have a feeling like that they know everyone, but it's like big enough that there's actually like quite a, quite a large media ecosystem there. And with a town that size is enough, like something like that everyone knows about and everyone who knows about it doesn't necessarily know those involved.
So that's when they start, that's when they can be a bit carefree with their gossip and their, and their kind of, I guess the urban myths that kind of come out of it. And you know, as, as you know, you've mentioned in your memoirs and is the police found, it was, you know, this wasn't your classic drink driving young kids. It was a sober driver and it was a car accident. And then you've got to kind of deal with the rumor mill as well as the grief and the funerals and everything that's happening. You've got to deal with, you know, all kinds of bullshit that came out of that and what people think they know and people who thought they were there and people that were claiming they were there. Yeah.
There was like the, we went to a barbecue after a rugby game in Toowoomba and the most, there was the seven of us who ended up being in the car and then three others who were there for a short time as well. And so this barbecue became like the biggest party of the year. Like there was hundreds of people there and there was like stabbings talked about. There were like people with baseball bats and knives and marijuana became this massive thing. Like there's all these people talking about how these bags of pot were like found in the car and stuff. And it just like, which was just outrageous.
And yeah, it's still to this day, I have people who find out that I've written this story and they say, oh, you know, like I actually know a family friend who was at that party that night. And like, yeah, that's such a small world. And you're sort of like, oh, yeah. Come on, mate. There was like six of us. Read the book. And so there was that.
But then the really weird stuff was the stuff that happened subsequent to the morning period that wasn't even about the car crash. So you go back into normal life, the driver Dom also, like he was seriously injured, but he was back at school reasonably soon. Nick had a serious brain injury, but ended up back at school that year.
So we were sort of like back in that teenage world. And yeah, it was sort of like Gossip Girl on steroids, like some of the shit that would come out about what I'd supposedly done at parties. And yeah, it was bizarre because you'd get like people, you'd get to school on a Monday morning and you'd hear all these stories about the shit that you'd done over the weekend. And you're just like, I wish half of this was true because it'd be about like how all the girls that you'd hooked up with and stuff.
And you're like, who's lying about hooking up with the survivor of a car crash or like social clout? And I don't necessarily think that it's- Well, the late 2000s were a strange time. Yeah, but I don't necessarily like demonize people who do lie about it because there's a certain kind of like psychosis that comes into it where people feel this almost compulsion to feel some connection to a tragic event like that.
I mean, on top of all this, then you're planted back into high school and finishing grade 12. And there's all those pressures that young people go through anyway at that time, let alone with this traumatic event that's taken place in the middle of it. So you've got your grades, you've got to think about study and you've got to think about girls and you've got to think about all these things that everyone else is thinking about with this added kind of whirlwind of everything you and your mates went through.
It seems like that time in your life was a wild time in Toowoomba in general. You know, your book kind of actually also mentions the floods that were taking place up there. There's a leadership spill in the Labour Party. There's all this kind of stuff happening in the world. I mean, it's nothing like today's news cycle, you know, exterior news cycle. Swine flu happened at the height of the exams that year. So, yeah, it's actually weird, sort of like a foreshadow of what's happening right now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Michael Jackson overdosed. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, that was allegedly and you've got all this stuff going on. And and I get your book kind of your story, like your own personal story paired up with all these events kind of tells an interesting story of Australia. I found anyway in your book, you know, you've got this cultural identity crisis that Australia is going through where we start to see this, you know, the start of all these leadership changes and these spills and stuff that's obviously followed right through to the Liberal government. That was the start of it all. And then you've got climate change, you know, how long are we talking to go? It's over 10 years, just over 10 years ago now. And that was still the number one thing, tearing the political parties apart.
And you're kind of, I guess, in a part of the world where, one, you're experiencing the effects of it because for whatever reason, maybe climate change, there was a tidal wave that went down the main street of Toowoomba. And that was just after Toowoomba nearly ran out of water as well. And we'd had like the referendum on recycled water. And so Toowoomba was at ground zero of like climate change actually being not just a physical thing that was happening in terms of drought and then extreme weather events like the floods, but also politically, like it sort of set the template for the misinformation that you get about being funded by. We had a like our own sort of local Donald Trump, Clive Berghofer, who was funding these like misinformation campaigns about about like kids getting three nipples, being born with three nipples if they drank recycled water. Yeah. And just purely because the interests were, oh, it's going to affect property development and the property market if we become Toowoomba. Toowoomba was a good tagline.
It didn't help that they built the town in the caldera of an extinct volcano. So any rain that hits the side of this volcano ends up in the middle of town very quickly.
Yeah. Writing from your perspective, too, is an interesting lens because it's like you're the I guess you'd say upper working class kid, middle class kid. And you attended a Catholic rugby league school in Toowoomba, which is a famous school, you know, with the Jonathan Thurston and the Walker brothers as alumni. And that's, you know, it's just a kind of rugby league for NRL factory was a school you attended. And you're kind of looking at this this changing identity of what it means to be, you know, a politician like, you know, I guess it was probably just before it was fully realized that people like you and your family were the the vote that the governments needed to capture. You know, I mean, I guess how it had done that. But you kind of are in the center of this whole thing, this whole kind of conversation around climate change, around politics and everything. And you're the you're the you're the battlers, I guess. And a lot of your friends, you're mixing with kids from the, you know, the elite schools. And yeah, we were like that those aspirations with my parents had been sort of working class. We moved into what you consider, I guess, a lower middle class. And and yeah, I got the benefits of that.
And so I missed out on all the all the struggle that you sort of get in terms of having to make ends meet. Like I didn't like really have any memory of that. Like when I was really young, we had lots of siblings, so you'd sort of realize it was a bit tough. But yeah, there was never any sense that that mum and dad weren't going to be able to put food on the table or like I remember when I was about 10 or 11, that's just as the mining boom was sort of taking off and our dad got a lease of a pub and things were doing really well there.
And there was just way more suddenly way more disposable income. And I can actually remember, I can remember mum being like, oh, you don't have to, we don't have to buy clothes from Lifeline anymore. And you can buy clothes from City Beach now.
And I was like sick, like this is, and I remember, yeah, yeah, I got those that the studded belt. Oh, yeah. I was like and like getting like new clothes and stuff like that. Like that was like there was actually like a moment there where I was like, oh, yeah, we're not actually we're not actually what we were anymore. And being we moved when I was 11, we moved from a really shitty house in the center of town to the suburbs, which I thought was like we won the lottery and there was like fans in the bathrooms and like and like ceiling fans in the in the bedrooms. And I was like, fuck, like we have like made it like who wants to be a millionaire? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And so I wasn't really piecing that all together at the time that this was part of like something that was happening right across the country and like changing the way that people, not so much my parents because they always they were Labor Party members and sort of stuck with labor. But a lot of those same people were suddenly becoming quite protective about their assets and their investments. And before they hadn't owned, you know, they didn't have multiple mortgages. They didn't have all these things to be really protective about. And so that's essentially what Howard was doing. He was building this whole new base of voters who were really protective of their assets.
Yeah. And the boat people were trying to take those assets from you. Yeah.
And the people and the people who weren't getting those assets, who were missing out on those assets, Howard was coming along with these other enemies and these other issues that were sort of tapping into them and saying, well, the reason that you're the reason that you haven't jumped into the lower middle class or the middle class is because of asylum seekers or because of immigrants, even while he was like- Or you haven't been working hard enough. Yeah, or you haven't been working hard enough, even while he was massively boosting the immigration rate. Like, I think he like the immigration rates peaked under him. So he actually had no issue with large scale immigration, but he was just using this very- 15 people on a boat. Yeah, as like this as this way to almost like a smokescreen from all this other shit that they were doing on the economy and all the loopholes that they were creating. It's the fastest way to grow an economy, really, is just, you know, to bring in a bunch of skilled migrants. Yeah, hyper educated migrants on aeroplanes.
One thing I want to ask is you're in the Nat's heartland there growing up in Toowoomba, a lot of your friends to this day might even go down that path. You know, you've got a lot of friends. You know, that's the world you grew up in. Oh, yeah, I got like family as well. Yeah, he had an uncle that ran against Pauline for, you know, the seat in Toowoomba, sorry, in Ipswich.
How did your old man, someone who, you know, you also mentioned in your book that you had a rock band, which I thought was very, very fitting and just showed how astute you were at the time. You had a rock band called Negative Gearing.
Most Australians figured out what that term was about six months ago. All right, the last election. Yeah, the last election.
You had a rock band called Negative Gearing because you could see all this stuff happening with your old man making his money and, you know, buying investment properties and stuff, which was stuff that, you know, most people kind of realize that wealth and then they defend it. As you were saying, how did your old man, what convinced him to stay with labor? You know what I mean? Because he's in a national heartland, all the conversations he's listening to are running down Kevin and Julia and he's got a fair bit of coin. That kind of makes him the, I guess, prime demographic. I think it was, I think there was probably a fair bit of class guilt and he'd done well for himself.
And but a lot of those guys, a lot of his mates, tradies who were labor back in the day, they actually they've actually they're the ones that have stayed labor because they didn't feel ripped off by Hulkin Keating because they did well out of this new economy. So they weren't like, they weren't pissed at labor. They weren't necessarily a member of a union anymore. But yeah, he like looking back now, it is actually like in some ways it was good for business because we became we were the only like we were the only labor pub in town. And so we got a lot of business out of that in terms of unions having their meetings there.
And what does the old Toowoomba Labor voter look like? I mean, do they look like your old man or they look like the old bloke at the Bowls Club or are they all lefty librarians? What do they look like?
No, well, there was two. But there was two sides of it because there was- Fractional labor.
It sounds weird because you don't think Toowoomba's that big. But I remember talking to, there was like North Toowoomba, which is a seat and then South Toowoomba. Dad ended up in South Toowoomba. That's where he was president of the branch. And I remember talking to this old solicitor from the North Toowoomba branch who ran for the federal seat there. And I was like, oh, what was it like back in the day going to dad's branch meetings? And he was like, well, there was this massive class divide because all the labor members in North Toowoomba were all solicitors and schoolteachers and stuff. Then you go over to South Toowoomba and it was all sparkies.
The Cleaning Union were massive there. And so you'd walk in there and everyone would just be banging tables and just like talking about it. And all the talk was about increasing the pension, increasing the dole, protecting penalty rates.
Like that was like the like it was. And as a teenager being like not having any understanding of how hard it is to make ends meet because I'd never been in that position. I completely sneered at my dad's politics because I was like, this is like, you know, I'm worried about like I was worried about climate change. Just thinking like this is this is so old school, this is so out of fashion.
And in a lot of ways, he was actually seeing a lot of the issues that were going to come up for labor over the next 10 years, which was that a lot of these people and, you know, not just labor, like social democratic parties right around the world. That a lot of these people that he was trying to talk to were losing faith and losing touch with center left parties. Yeah. I mean, the whole Rust Belt in the U.S., they all voted Obama. And then they became the Trump heartland and the same.
What's what's the the voter demographic like the voter theory in England? What's the name of the the theory they use?
The workington man. Workington man, who is looks a lot a lot like an Australian swing voter, to be honest. But it's Northern England. That's who Boris won. Over 40 doesn't have a university education, male and is a rugby league fan. So he's put up against the Mondeo man.
So that's the that's aspirational, man. Like what, like a Ford Mondeo is like their equivalent of like a Commodore or a Falcon. Yeah, right. So, you know, they're the aspirational ones.
They're the ones who are like, you know, I've been to the University of Woking. I've got my, you know, I.T. degree and I'm having a red hot go on the outskirts of Manchester. Yeah, this is to them. And there's obviously it's the there's in America that they call the city, you know, the soccer mums. They can also change an election for you, too. And it is interesting to see how these same demographics right around the world all translate.
And you write in your book and in your most recent essay about people like your old man who probably wouldn't last as a public figure. You know, he wouldn't have lasted five minutes as a public figure. Yeah, he's pretty red hot, but he's you know, he's brash. He's aggressive in macho.
But he means the best and he's a true progressive for, you know, for his fellow man and woman. And you kind of write about this in your new essay, which is called Top Blokes, you know, the myth of the larrikin. Your old man was a larrikin and he kind of snubbed his nose at authority anti-war, you know, pro-soldier anti-war and kind of looked out for people. And do you kind of think that this kind of identity, this bloke going to these branch meetings, you know, this working class. Your man or woman is kind of missing in the labour movement at the moment?
Well, it's certainly still there, but it's just totally like all of that grassroots stuff has just been totally hollowed out. And that's like a long term thing. It's not something that's happened in the last 10 years. And it's produced what we have now where the parties are essentially both top down. They're there for the people who want to be MPs. They sort of need some cladding of a grassroots, but it's not really like, whereas historically it was bottom up.
You know, it was like the people who were at the top were there because of this groundswell of people who were doing all that shitty stuff and not just branch meetings, but, you know, pamphleting and not even just the political, organised political stuff, but just having the conversations. Like, people underestimate how important that is when you have those people on the ground who are actually going out there and sticking their neck out and telling people. Like, because word of mouth, that's how a lot of these elections are won. And that's how you reach people outside of the news. The get up campaign. Yeah, yeah. But like, and in pubs or in whatever sort of social setting where you've got people who are having those conversations and persuading people on like a person to person level.
That's true in the sense that, you know, the Maranoa, the seed of Batutas, you know, David Littleproud is the federal MP, was once and for many years labour. Labour, labour, labour, probably due to the fact that the shearers and these blokes in town that would knock on doors and, you know, probably, probably get a bit rough with the, you know, with the spreading the good word of, you know, as a true believer, almost a cartel operation with the unions in the bush. But, you know, you speak to any of these diehard died in the wool Nats voters now, or, you know, Morrison supporters, and they've got someone in the family who's still got a bit of that in them. Or they have a grandpa or they had a grandfather or grandmother who was, you know, labour, labour. It's clear that labour needs to reach out to these people and then and stoke these fires if they're still burning in the bush, if they ever want to win again.
Can you see any of that? Can you see any of that happening?
It didn't feel like it was happening under Shorten. Well, it's not so much that to go back to the past. I don't think that the Labour Party should go back to the past or try and recreate this system wholesale. It's like being able to appeal to enough people to win elections, which they at a federal level, they haven't been consistently able to do. And so it's not just reaching out to people like from that working class larrikin, like it's reaching out to all different sorts of people to build a coalition. And the problem is that I think, and it crystallises more the more time that you spend in like that I've spent somewhere like Sydney, where it's just not having any consciousness at all that there's all these other people out there that don't agree with you and that the things that you think are just common sense, like that aren't shared by widespread people. And so me interviewing someone like my brother, John, who's pretty conservative on a lot of issues, isn't to say, I think that the Labour Party should appeal exactly to John's point of view, but it's that there's more I think that there's more people in the country who would agree with John on issues than there are that would agree with me on issues.
So it's like just having that sense of like, this is actually how people think. And so just assuming that everyone's going to coming from a starting point of like all the issues that you believe in. Well, that's just not the case. So like the Labour Party needs to be super aware of that and super aware of that and just the way that they speak and make sure that they're not talking to people as if all of these things are just accepted wisdoms, because when you do that, then like it creates a sense that you're like that you're talking down to them. Like that, like so that you're policing them. Yeah. And I think that there has been like, I think that they it's been quite subtle and a lot of the people that they've been appealing to, I don't think would have even been paying any attention to them yet, because they genuinely don't until an elections call. But I think there has been a change in the tone and I think that there has been a more more of a focus on the baseline issue for a Social Democratic Party is improving conditions at work and it is improving wages. And that's like the that's like the the main line issue. And then these other issues, which is super important, can be like calibrated through those those values. And so whether that's like an issue like climate change, like the message needs to be like it, you don't even need to agree with that climate change is real to to see that the world is moving in a certain direction economically and that a lot of these jobs are going to dry up because the economic model is going to change. And so you really need to be saying to people, like, this isn't a social issue. This is sort of like an economic issue. And and we need the sooner that we can transition and the more people we can bring with us on that transition, the better. And that's like the it's it shouldn't be sort of like a moral I don't think it needs to be a moral issue.
Let's talk about the essay now about what it is and why you decide to write this. It's it's with the quarterly essay.
It's called Top Blokes, The Larrikin Myth, Class and Power by Lech Blain. Or as as Errol labeled you as you walked in, Lechlin Murdoch, which I guess is everything is the opposite of everything you're going for with this, because you are talking about aside from these issues where, you know, there's political elites, there is a political class that are tearing themselves apart. And it's not just labor. We're seeing these these leaderships and these factions and the libs and the nats are just they're out of control because the you know, they're not really sharing the same kind of values. And there's a lot of ambition and there's a lot of once upon a time, political staffer was a receptionist. Nowadays, they are, you know, they're waiting to get the nod for pre-selection. Or they're building like a lobbying network that they can, you know, they can cash in on down the down the line. And this is having kids with the boss. Yeah, there's all this stuff going on. But on top of that, on top of this detached kind of political class, you do have a detached media class right across the board.
And there are dinner parties with the same people. So they're not likely to skewer them as hard as, you know, the old cadet journalist would have, you know, the journalists that had no friends, you know, had no mates, didn't give a fuck. I'm thinking like the Chris Masters, you know, spent a lot of time in. Yeah, not interested in making friends.
And, you know, the Kate McClymonts, she's never really given a fuck about what the arts minister thinks of her. Yeah. Even if she does. Does anyone give a fuck what the arts minister thinks of her?
Well, you know, a lot of journalists would because they do like this Keatingist kind of dinner party atmosphere. But outside of that detached kind of media class, which people would call left wing, lefty, ABC shit. You have this machine, which is Murdoch, which is definitely accelerating this detachment between the voters.
And you've written about the larrikin, you know, is something that Boris has done, Trump has done in some way or another. The larrikin in itself is uniquely Australian. And Morrison has played it perfectly, did in 2019 anyway, as the anti-politician.
Anti-establishment. Anti-establishment, and especially coming after Turnbull, who definitely looked like your run of the mill kind of liberal toff.
Man who loves a dinner party. Loves a dinner party, you know, loves, you know, loves hanging out with the Whiteleys and the fucker.
Loves talking.
You know, you've got this myth of the larrikin, which has existed in Australian politics for some time. But tell us, tell us a little bit about what you kind of found when you dug into this myth. Well, yeah, the larrikin, if it had any reality at all, which is disputable because there's so much bullshit that goes, and not just with the larrikin, but in terms of Australian, the ideas about anti-authoritarianism and a lot of the things that date back to our convict ancestry. And they've sort of been laundered for so long and become so detached from their actual reality. And so, yeah, I think that, but I think that there was some, there are differences in Australia. Like there is some reality to the sense that we, that our economic system historically was different to, say, America because we did believe in collectivism and those sorts of things. There was lots of issues that went with that, like that, a lot of that drove the White Australia policy, for instance. So it's not all perfect. But yeah, there was this larrikin figure who was the anti-establishment, was sort of playful, mocked authority. And yeah, it generally came from that working class place. And even if they weren't perfect, at least they were sort of authentic. And that over time, that figure just became like the bastardized by all of these people in positions of authority and in positions of power and used to connect with the average person.
And yeah, that's the greatest, that's like why I think that there is an opportunity for labor if they do critique some of this stuff, is that this whole liberal idea of attacking the establishment is just like a complete load of bullshit. And is this like the height of hypocrisy to talk about political correctness? Because the whole system behind the scenes of the Liberal Party and of the Nats is just like not just the donors, but the workers and the apparatchiks. And like it is just as bad as labor, if not worse, because in a lot of ways, it's not really talked about in the same way. Like and they're all at the same, like they're all at the same dinner parties and they're all... Malcolm Turnbull ran a business with Neville Rant, you know, New South Wales labor premier, they're all... But even the Conservatives as well, like it's not like this idea that it's just lefties who are chasing clout and trying to chasing power and manipulating things to get into power, like that's like... They're all going to the Opera. That's been the whole Conservative Emma, like the whole playbook for the past 30 years. If anything, they've just done it way better than like the lefties, like they've sort of done it while actually like presenting themselves as the one who are critiquing political correctness. Oh yeah, you talk about political correctness in this country and, you know, the people that are talking about our freedom of speech, you know, the Conservative pundits, usually these like layabouts, the anti-PC types on, you know, Sky News and in the newspapers.
Andrew Bolt. Andrew Bolt, perfect example.
You're going to tell me he doesn't clutch his pearls, you know, you're going to tell me that... Well, they are the most politically correct people in the country because they've got their set, like their set of rules. And if you stray slightly out of that or if you're a woman or if you're a person of color or if you're a Muslim, then you are fucking done. But we did see Yasmin, you know, the ABC presenter who, you know, on Anzac Day, you know, and it was insensitive thing to do, but she, you know, drew comparisons between, you know, the suffering that we're kind of overlooking in detention. And, you know, the and this kind of...
It was a conversation starter.
It was provocative, but she was a Muslim woman. So she was banished. She left the country and kind of chased out by these free speech advocates who who are more than happy to see a bit of casual racism in the newspaper.
But they don't like, you know, they don't like anyone else being being red hot. Well, it's and it's interesting because you're like even writing this essay and trying to be a bit provocative, like it doesn't it's never going to create issues for me in the same way as it would any of these people. Like because and I think the Batutah would be in the same space like that. You might get some pushback occasionally from someone like a bolt who might be a bit offended about something the Batutah said.
He called us a sleeve shoot. No, he accused us of labeling him a pedophile, which we didn't. We we've never called him that. The adjectives that we've used to describe him, you know, to the absolute extreme, were we referred to him as being a sus cunt, which he's allowed to interpret that any way that he wants. But also, we also well aware that if we were, you know, Muslim women, Aboriginal women or even Muslim men or Aboriginal men, that we would have got hounded for speaking out like that, calling him a sus cunt.
It would have been there would have been a campaign via the Australian and via News Corp, the op-ed writers like that. And that would have been unrelenting.
There are two things that honestly protect us is that we have no money. There's no money behind us. This is not a lucrative industry.
And we look and sound the way that we do. And they might and the risk would be for them that they would actually drive the sort of people that they're appealing to towards like if they they would feel threatened to some extent by the like the authenticity that something like the Batuda has because they could they'll end up like awakening with within some of their own viewers, the hypocrisy of like all this shit that they're talking about. I mean, you can you can sit around and talk about, you know, all kinds of stuff about political correctness gone mad. And we should be able to do this and that and protesters should be allowed out front of abortion clinics and this and that.
But then a couple African teenagers are playing basketball and some killed a beach. And it's almost like, you know, it's almost like the end of the world and the African gangs that shit like that.
That is political correctness, in a sense, because you just you've got your rules and people can't stray outside of them. And it is pearl clutching. It's very sense. It's snowflake stuff.
Yeah, I think I called Bolton, Dean, the two most thin skinned wowsers in the Australian media. And like there is that that's why, like, you know, there's you can fight battle over semantics about the larrikin and like, why does that matter? Why is that relevant? And I think that the the one of the reasons that it was sort of like relevant is that you've like they've actually consciously made this play like the Dean did the the death of the larrikin. And there is this idea from these like figures on the right that they are the larrikin, like they are the monumental larrikin. The dying breed of larrikin. Which doesn't matter. Like, who gives a fuck what like whether you call it larrikin or whatever.
But it's like that it actually does have a really tangible effect, the way that they've co-opted the idea of being the anti-authoritarian and being anti-establishment. And it's playing out and actually having an effect. And and in some ways, I think changing elections and winning people over.
And it's going even further because, you know, they've bought all the newspapers up in Queensland, shut half of them down.
And Sky News is on free-to-air.
And so if you think that the issues that we saw in 2019 with Palmer and climate change and News Corp papers in Central Queensland was an issue. Well, it's just going to be like, where are we going to be in 10 years or even 20 years time?
And it's just this is kind of, you know, mythical nostalgia that they've created in people that, you know, you could laugh back then and you could tell jokes back then. And, you know, some of the people they're interviewing about how comedy has gone down the drain because of the woke police or whatever. It's like we're interviewing absolute mugs, hack comedians.
You know, I'm not going to say any of their names because they're all just trying to make a quid. But, you know, them saying, oh, you couldn't say that anymore. It's like, mate, people weren't even laughing at your jokes about aeroplane food back then. Don't blame them.
Even you're on the footy show in like 2001. Although it is interesting, though, in the essay, how you go through and explore people like Kerry Packer, which, you know, for lack of a better term, really, were essentially held by a lot of people as being the archetype type of larrikin, which would be difficult for a lot of people these days to reconcile with Kerry being a billionaire and whatnot. But he did have like a songbook of the quotes and the sound bites, which, you know, always people like to attribute to him like that one about him in the casino in Texas with the oil baron about him saying, you know, I'm worth four hundred million dollars, sir. And then I'll Kerry's like, well, I'll fucking roll you for it right now. He was like, well, and all these things about him, you know, you'd ought to get your head ready if you don't try to minimize your tax. Is that kind of what the liberal party is trying to tap into? Yeah. And say like it's this you kind of know where they're coming from, like being, you know, like Scott Morrison, Eastern Suburbs man, rugby union, a GPS school is now, you know, essentially hijacking this persona to appeal to a wider audience. Yeah, yeah, totally.
And like to like I critique Packer pretty viciously at times, but to his credit, like there was he hated a lot of that shit. And like he was genuinely mates with a lot of those league players, like he wasn't like him and him and Artie and John quail and stuff like they were like they were genuinely mates. But yeah, you see the Morrison come along and it's like people like, well, does it really does it really matter that he's he's faking it because he's a politician and that's what politicians do. And it's like, well, he's perfect, perfectly entitled to to fake it and to put on whatever act he wants. And I'm like perfectly entitled to take it and say this is a lot of shit. And the reason why it's important is because I think that the persona that he created before the last election, it won in the election.
Like it wasn't the sole issue. There's a lot of other issues that we're feeding into it. But that was like that was enough.
If he had have just presented as another top from the eastern suburbs of Sydney, well, then like the like you look at the swings that happened between those two elections, between Turnbull and Morrison. And not not a whole lot of change in terms of their actual policies. But you had the seats that Labour could have actually won, which were the more sort of working class seats, lower university education rates, swung back towards the Liberal Party and the inner city seats, smaller liberal seats where Turnbull really appealed to. They they swung back towards Labour, but their seats at Labour have never won.
And so that that's why it has an effect. Like it's not just it's not just like it's not just superficial stuff. This is actually like having an effect on the way that people vote and the way that people talk and sort of consume politics. On the inverse, I mean, we can't really go past, you know, the story of Anthony Albanese is that he's he's being held up as, you know, having one of the more authentic stories in politics. And because of that doesn't have a persona that he has to put forward. Like the persona that he puts forward is more or less what he is.
Well, that put him kind of on on the scale of larrikin because I think that he's doing the it's like that whole thing where Philip Adams says that he got he went to Parliament House with Barry Humphries in the 70s. And he's like all the Liberal Party made a beeline for Barry Humphries is just after Barry McKenzie had gone massive. It was like the ultimate ochre character. And all the Liberals were like, hey, mate, how you going? Like Andrew Peacock and all the blue bloods were sort of putting on this larrikin persona.
The Labour Party guys who were genuinely from a lot of train drivers or from working class origins. And that's the sort of Bill Hayden, Paul Keating sort of mold came from working class origins, but never presented that way. It never it never translated because there's a certain and he says that like a lot of these Labour Party figures were trying to escape the gravitational pull of class. And there is this sort of self-consciousness if you come from that those origins that and a certain level of shame as well about like your your your lack of education or your lack of being being able to fit it in in in these spaces.
That means that like I think like I like I think we spoke last time about how about Elbow and whether he would go the full sort of bogan. And he hasn't like because I and as much as I'd love for him to have done that, it's probably it's actually probably not it's it's actually probably not going to win him an election. I saw a glimpse of it the other night. I had a mate call me up and goes, no idea who Elbow is, obviously, you know, consumes that news we were talking about earlier. And he goes, mate, this is an easy bloke. He's a fucking sicko, isn't he? I was like, what are you talking about? Channel 9 gave Elbow a microphone leading up to the Rabidos grand final.
There was no waving of scarfs. There was no scomo, sculling of beer stuff.
It was absolute pure Rabidos south tragic dribble. And he could and he could have gone for 20 minutes. They had to cut him off.
And he's like, this is this is the true man. You know, if you catch him at a weak moment, ask him about South Sydney the night before a grand final, you're going to see the real man.
And they asked him, like, the most innocuous question, like, oh, Elbow, how does this team compare to, you know, 1972? And he goes, ah, well, well, we have to start in the back line. You know, you just haven't got the base in the 1972 team.
And you're just like, well. And that's the thing is that if you're a if you're a career politician, you're really not going to be like a full blown larrikin Ayo. Like, like the the someone who's a rugby league fan in that position was is going to be the stats nerd. Like, that's actually the legit. And so there's this like and that's what I explored in the essay was that this that Morrison, because he actually isn't a legitimate rugby league fan or a legitimate larrikin or whatever you want to call it. It's a lot easier for him just to fake it because he's he's totally separated that scomo persona from who he actually is.
Which is the hyper religious son of a police officer and mayor from Bronte in the eastern suburbs. He's been hung over twice. Who wasn't allowed to join the surf club as a teenager because the people there were drinking beers. And so and then there's the first interview that he does after the after the leadership spill.
And it's with like triple triple M with Matty Johns. And he's like and they're like, what like what do you what do you like to do or whatever? And it's just all he talks about is rugby league. And and they're like, oh, what like besides the sharks, what's your favorite thing? He's like, I just love a beer. Yeah.
And so it's like it's not the most important political issue of the day, but it just goes to this whole sense that like he knew exactly what he needed to do to appeal to people who don't pay any attention to politics. And he milked that day in, day out in the last election campaign. And I think it got him. I think that's where these swings were coming from in these seats that had swung back towards Labor at the last election for stuff like health care or work better conditions at work.
So to wrap, Bleck, Morrison hasn't been able to go to a Sharks game this year and show to the people that he's a real person. He's been in and out of quarantine. He's he would have lost a million votes the day he went to Hawaii.
You know, I don't know if that's a long time ago. It was a long time ago.
But he's starting to look like a an incompetent kind of marketing guy. Does the anti-politician thing still work? That's what I'm asking. Heading into the next election, Morrison hasn't been able to show his face at supporting events. He probably wouldn't because he'd get booed with this vaccine roll out and the bushfires and the Britney Higgins and all these things that he's handled horribly. He can't really show your face in between those things. And he's hoping these submarine deals and this freedom, you know, coming out of lockdown will gas him back up. But he's definitely going to struggle just because of all the secrecy in his own government as well. You know, there's certain people that we need answers about.
There's no federal ICAC.
How does he play it this time around? Because he can't do the anti-politician now because he's very much like a shining example of these bastards in Canberra. Well, I don't know how he does it.
I think he's still an extremely talented politician. And I think that he, like in a campaign, he's extremely good because he's extremely disciplined. He's a good communicator. He keeps things simple. He knows who he's talking to. He keeps, he's very good at disseminating images that appeal to completely different audiences and say completely different things to those audiences.
But he can't, the thing that he had last time was that nobody knew who he was and he was able to just do the this SCOMO shtick. But like that doesn't work anymore.
And especially now that with this ICAC stuff, that might appeal to people who are sympathetic towards GLADIS. A lot of those people are situated in the eastern suburbs and north shore of Sydney. And those seats already vote for the Liberal Party at a federal level. Does that translate to Queensland and WA? If you're defending politicians in Canberra, being able to get away with buttering their own nest and... Blind trusts. Yeah, and all this sort of shit, will that appeal in the same way? And I think that he already had problems in Queensland and WA anyway.
But I think that Labour just needs to go for the jugular there and turn this Canberra bubble idea back around on Scott Morrison. This guy is the Canberra bubble. He's trying to create a protection racket for the Canberra bubble.
And I don't think that it needs to get all that more complicated than just what they've done wrong and what they're trying to protect going forward. And if they can keep that really simple and just hammer it home until the like, there's talk now that it could even be this year, which would be... It's so Morrison to try and get this done on Boxing Day.
Hey, everyone loves, you know, the families around. Come vote for me.
I can't see how that go. I can't see how that go this year. Like, it just doesn't seem like there's enough time, but...
Well, there's going to be three by-elections in New South Wales before Christmas. So I guess that'll be a good little barometer. But yeah, I just want to, as I said, just I reckon just you need to turn this insider outsider thing back on the Liberal Party and pick a few... If that means picking a few fights with insiders, then do that. Like, if that means attacking the entitlements of politicians will then do that.
Yeah, he just, you know, it's going to be fucking hard with News Corp, really. Who knows what News Corp do follow? Eventually, they do follow the public sentiment. Yeah, well, I don't think that Rupert essentially, you know, is in the market of putting money on the wrong horse. I think he picks one. But yeah, look, it's going to be pretty tricky, I think, for Labour to really turn this one on its head.
Oh, that's like, it's so hard to, it's so hard for them to win an election. And that's the thing that... They've won from opposition three times in the last hundred years. And that's partly like, you can blame, like some of the stuff that they've done, you blame them. But then you look at it and you go, the Labour Party in Australia is actually done. Like, they've held on to, you talk about like working class voters, they've actually held on to a lot of them. Like, there's a lot of these social democratic parties around the world that have just completely lost the working class. So I don't think Labour is in as dire position as some of these other parties. And it is very conceivable that they could win the election. They just need to like, that's why, where the SA talks about sacrificing some of those, the feeling of being superior to certain people and just be willing to like listen and engage and maybe talk about issues in a way that doesn't make you feel that you're superior to other people. That you can actually, Labour can win the election. It's just like, just like Anastasia did. Yeah, you can't, like the biggest issue would be like, is if you just go, Labour can't win, Murdoch, Palmer, like the sort of defeatism that creeps in around that. It's like, no, like it is actually winnable. But yeah, do they actually do it?
Yeah, I'm not going to make any brave predictions. Yeah, you don't trust the bookies or the polls either. I don't think anyone would be able to tell you what's going to happen whenever this election happens.
Now, for anyone who wants to read more on all we've discussed today, this is Lek Blain, his memoirs. We started off this interview talking about car crash available at all good bookstores. And of course, the quarterly essay, Top Blokes, where can you find that?
That's in your medium sized news agencies and bookstores. Yeah, if the news agencies that haven't, haven't died.
Yeah. Well, the disposable vapes have brought them back. They're making a bit of coin out of that. And of course, just online, you can check up. Yeah.
The news agency at the North Battuta shops, they get in two every time the quarterly essay comes out. And there's a bloke in my neighborhood who orders it too. And I got the other one. It was Pigeon Pair that came. So hopefully, if you go down to your local news agency, talk to your news agent. And tell him what you want and hopefully he can get it for you.
Thanks for joining us today, Lek Blain. Thanks guys. |
dropout | how_jfk_almost_caused_world_war_3_adam_ruins_everything | During the Cuban Missile Crisis, our young, handsome President Kennedy, along with his advisors, acted quickly and decisively in the face of clear Soviet aggression. These missiles in Cuba changed the balance of power so significantly that we only have one option, war. This is an unprovoked act of aggression. Gentlemen, I will not start World War III. We will look Khrushchev right in the eye and make him understand that we will never give in. Yes! This is the version JFK's supporters told us, but it's an extremely misleading account. For one, the U.S. caused the crisis, not the Soviets. Come on, you nagging no-good, Nick.
How can you say that when the Soviets put missiles in Cuba pointing right at the U.S.? The U.S. had just put missiles in Turkey, pointing right at the Soviets.
Sweet, salty caviar. What is that?
In 1961, JFK gave an order to put 15 nuclear-tipped Jupiter missiles on the Turkish border. Khrushchev was furious. Put missiles in Cuba is only fair. Just give them taste of their own borscht, nuclear borscht.
Hold on, grown-up Jonathan Litnicki. You mean to tell me that the U.S. started it? Yep. In fact, Kennedy's advisors later realized just how provocative their actions were. Yeah, I take back what I said earlier, Jack. We should have seen this coming a mile away. But surprisingly, these tit-for-tat moves actually did little to shift the balance of power. It's okay, Bob.
At least we still have way more nukes than they do. What? We were in a nuclear arms race. I thought we were neck-and-neck with the Soviets. Hardly. In 1960, the U.S. had over 18,000 nuclear weapons, while the Soviets only had 1,600. That's more than a ten-to-one advantage.
Hmm. Maybe we need to get a storage unit.
Okay, facty McGee, then why did JFK make such a big deal out of this? Why was it even a crisis in the first place? Because, more than anything, Kennedy was worried about looking weak. Kennedy felt he had to appear tough on communism.
If it hadn't been for that, the Cuban Missile Crisis might never have happened. I don't want to go to war, but if we do nothing about these missiles in Cuba, I'll seem weaker than White House coffee. Mmm, I got it! How about a naval blockade? We stop any ship carrying weapons from entering Cuban waters. Yes, the blockade. What a brilliant strategic move by our young, disarmingly handsome President. Not really. The blockade actually escalated the crisis. The U.S. had no legal right to do it, so it was technically an act of war. A blockade! Kennedy is naughtier than squirrel with mouthful of nuts! In fact, Khrushchev wanted nothing more than to de-escalate and end the conflict. Fine, I will observe Jack's little blockade. But tell USA we will take missiles out of Cuba when they take missiles out of Turkey.
Khrushchev is reasonable man! We can't do that! If the public finds out I gave in to this totally reasonable request, they'll think I'm a little, softy baby boy. You're right, Jack. Let's nuke the hell out of him! Whoa, whoa! I will not go down in history as the man who ended the world.
Now, let's take a potty break. Miss Bobby, there's only one way out of this mess. We have to give in. But secretly, after you tinkle, here's what I want you to do. I want you to take the note.
JFK's brother, Robert Kennedy, brokered a secret deal with the Soviets, and it would be years before anyone found out. We will take our missiles out of Turkey, but you guys have to pinky-swear never to tell anyone. Oh, but we're gonna tell the public that we kicked your ass.
Cool? Okay. Bye! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_214_Dave_Faulkner_from_Hoodoo_Gurus | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooda Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooda Advocate radio show. You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall and Errol Parker, editor at large.
There's been a lot going on in the news, a lot less than there was earlier in the year. But yeah, we're dealing with a whole lot of things right now. Cost of living, lettuce. Prices have gone through the roof, didn't see that one coming. Energy crisis, inflation, there's been a minimum wage hike, there's a lot going on.
And in times like this, in uncertain times, chaos, be that political or socioeconomic or global instability, we often turn to one thing, at least in Batooda we do, and that is rock and roll music. It's been there with us over the years through thick and thin. Today's guest is, I guess, a pioneer of Australian rock music, and he's been there with us through thick and thin. He's been on our TV screens, he's been on our radios, he's been at our house parties, he's been everywhere. It's a real honour to have him in here today to talk to us about what he's been working on most recently. Dave Faulkner from The Hoodoo Gurus, thank you for coming on The Batooda Advocate radio show. You've had a bit going on.
You can boast nine top 20 albums. Is that right? Nine top 20 albums, host of multi-platinum albums.
Yeah, we've done all that. Been around for a while, something like that happens eventually. You don't seem to be slowing down, mate. We have, I mean, it's been 12 years since our last record, so that's kind of slow. But there's a few things going on there, but we're still same on stage. We haven't lost any speed on stage, that's for sure. And I think the record sounds like as fresh as anything we've done, so I think we sound all right.
We introduced you as a rock star, but you were born into a political-military family over there in Perth. I was. My parents were both very active in the Labor Party, and my mother actually worked for, she worked in the electoral office for a local member, and also she was very active in community, in local politics. She ended up becoming the first female counsellor for the Belmont Shire in Western Australia.
She went into that because she loved reading, and my mother was pretty much self-educated. She came from a fairly poor background in Melbourne during the Depression, and she loved books, and every week she'd go to the library, basically to the end of her life, where she'd get an armful of books and read them every week. Mostly detective and thrillers, she loved that stuff. The airport novella. Yeah, the sort of Agatha Christie, and I don't know what the various authors she went for, because there's a million of them, but yeah, so she got a library built in the district because there wasn't one, and that was her big platform, and they ended up naming it after her.
So yeah, very active. And can you tell us, I mean, you're one of, and I hate to pigeonhole you, I wouldn't say the Hoodoo Gurus fit any archetype, but a lot of people have come from Perth and formed their band in Sydney.
How did that wave happen? What was the immigration route? What was the trip like on the Indian Pacific?
Yeah, exactly.
Well, I drove over, but yeah, I've done that a few times, but they banned, there was no internet, and you know, the record companies basically are based in Sydney and Melbourne, that was it, and they wouldn't pay attention to anyone that wasn't passing under their noses in Sydney or Melbourne, so you had to become quite well known and tour those places. Well, I don't know, I'd travelled for a year when I was in my 20s, early 21, and I was over in America and the UK mostly, and I just came back and thought, well, I'm kind of sick of being stuck in Perth where no one, you know, you form a band and you kind of last for about six months, then break up because you're kind of worn out, you're welcome after that time, finite audience. And also in the case of the music we were playing, you know, writing our own songs, it wasn't very acceptable back then, because people thought if the songs were any good, I'd hear them on the radio already, so they can't be any good, because, you know, a bit of the old tall poppy or whatever you call it, the cultural cringe, actually, is what it is.
So, yeah, that's the reason I moved to the east coast and I had to choose between Sydney or Melbourne, and my mother's from Melbourne, so I chose Sydney. Because I have a million relatives and I thought, well, I'm just leaving one family, I want to kind of strike out my own, I might stay away from family a bit. So I had some uncles, an uncle here and so forth, but I've got dozens and dozens of cousins everywhere in Melbourne, especially.
So is music always going to be the path you were going to go down or were you looking at heading out to Cresswell to go into the naval officer school? No, I was never cut out for the military. My father was in the navy in the war, but he wasn't a lifetime military officer serving, but he actually worked for the GPO, the post office, mail sorter most of his life.
He had other jobs on the side, he had several jobs at various points, like at the same time, worked at the markets, because he had a growing family and that was just the way it was done in those days. But I was actually more of an artist when I was a kid, everyone thought I was good at painting and drawing and they thought, well, you can't do that for a living. So this idea of art, forget that. And they kind of coached me or guided me towards architecture, my mother in particular. This new career we've heard of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or just seemed like you can use your drawing for something useful. They always say that, they said, I suppose back then, aspiring artists became architects and nowadays they become advertising guys. Or script writers or novelists, I've seen a few of them become novelists or script writers. But yeah, architecture, I tried it.
I'd done music all my life and had bands at high school and we'd play all the local school socials and stuff like that. So that was school bands or were you in the church? No, no, just our own band, our own band that just basically was from kids at school.
We were cheap and we played the songs everyone liked. It was a weird combination of songs. We'd play glam rock and heavy rock and Beatles songs all together. We didn't see any disparity between playing Alice Cooper and Susie Quattro and Deep Purple and whatever. You played the hits. We just played the songs everyone liked at the time. We didn't, you know, we weren't really schooled on the various genres, but we actually did all right.
We even play other schools, so we kind of got a reputation, so, and I played keyboards then. Anyway, I went to architecture, but at the same time I was playing all this music and I never went to lectures and couldn't be bothered. And I just failed that dismally. And at the end of that year, I had to sort of look myself in the eye and figure out who the hell I was. And that was obviously a musician. So I went and got a job so I could buy some equipment because I'm a keyboard player and they're kind of hefty and pricey. And eventually I just, yeah, here I am.
So your first band that kind of, uh, I mean, I guess the first one that got a bit of noise over in WA was The Victims. Well certainly the one that people have heard about, I was in other bands as well that kind of were popular in WA at the time, you know, I joined a band called The Beagle Boys first. They're a blues group. That was kind of the underground scene in those days. I mean, it still probably is, you know, that sort of blues and roots scene. WA is quite famous for it. And you know, John Butler, I think is sort of tapped into that.
But I was in this group, they were going before I joined and I just came in and right towards the end. And yeah, they lasted about another six months. But the funny thing is I was already obsessed with punk rock when I joined the band. And this was like 1976 and I basically was trying to teach myself guitar. So I could go and form my own punk rock group, which happened, as you say, formed The Victims in mid 77.
And what was the influence there? What was the, I mean, punk rock is something that was happening at that time. But what were you seeing?
I mean, well, in Perth, nothing, you know, like, that's it, we felt like we're completely isolated and marooned from from the culture we were identifying with, you know, we went to the record shops that sold the overseas music magazines, melody maker, NME sounds and you know, like rock scene and people in other magazines in the US. And then, you know, we'd read about these artists. In fact, we read about the Ramones before we ever heard them. And it just sounded so exciting what they were doing. We were desperate to hear it. And we could only imagine what this music sounds like from the descriptions. Eventually, we got the album, the Ramones album and it blew our minds.
I mean, it wasn't quite what I expected, actually, because it's so poppy, which surprised me. I was expecting what I guess, when I heard the Sex Pistols, that was more what I expected, you know, kind of angry music and the Ramones had Agro, but it was really different, you know.
And it's still my favorite band from that era. And you know, I think they're one of the classic bands of all time. So yeah, I just love that.
And we were in Perth and we felt kind of like, a little bit aggrieved, you know, angry teenagers anyway. Yeah, and isolated. Well, Perth is, you know, I mean, Australia is isolated from the rest of the world. Well, Perth is that times, you know, squared.
Yeah, because you know, the desert is a huge barrier to anything happening. And you know, bands would come to play in Australia, and they wouldn't cross the desert to Nullarbor playing to Perth.
And that was another source of aggravation for me. I remember one day I was, there was a concert was going to be advertised with Iggy Pop was coming on tour. It was probably like 1978, early 78. And it was the Pope of Punk and there's this big, he's playing at the entertainment center in Perth and was kind of like, wow, this is incredible, Iggy Pop in Perth. So I queued up hours before the box office opened and there's already lots of people there, huge crowds. I thought, man, oh man, this Iggy Pop suddenly quite popular and got to the box office and eventually after they opened up and got to and I thought, well, what seats I'll get? This is kind of strange. And then later on, I found out, of course, all these people were buying tickets for ELO, which was also on sale the same day. So Iggy Pop, unfortunately, never made it, he probably only sold about 10 tickets in Perth.
At that time, I mean, obviously now he'd be fine. Just lopped that one off the end of the tour. Yeah.
So we were stuck in Perth and we just thought, you know, this music we love and, you know, everything we were reading about just seems so exotic. And we felt like, you know, everyone around us was completely oblivious and didn't care about things that we cared about.
Was there political, I mean, I know the isolation thing was a big one. I know Brisbane's punk rock scene. Yeah. It was a big thing they even talk about. You don't really look at Brisbane like that anymore, but back then under Joe, they were isolated. Oh, and also it was quite a heavy police presence against the punks in Brisbane.
We weren't as bothered by police in WA, in Perth. I mean, they didn't like us, but they weren't particularly focusing on us. We had more trouble from skinheads and other people, but skinheads were the biggest ones that wanted to bash us up.
So how does it make you feel now knowing that the Perth music scene now is really at the forefront of the Australian popular music scene? I mean, you've got some of the biggest acts in the world coming from Perth. Yeah, of course. I mean, Tame Impala was the biggest one, of course. I think it's fantastic. I mean, I love WA and my fellow musicians, even that back then, you know, that produced people like Dave McComb and Kim Salmon. You know, these are great artists and really have contributed a lot to music.
So I never was in doubt of the talent pool. And nowadays, of course, there's no necessity to go anywhere to make your name. You can do it from your bedroom if you're good enough or if you have maybe a bit of luck as well to get yourself noticed and put on blogs or whatever and come to attention. But the internet is the great, you know, forget having to buy a flight to London, you know, and land there with the suitcase and hopes, you know, that's gone that era. Kevin Parker can still be number one ticket holder at Freo and make albums that are going all around the world.
I know, it's crazy. But it's great, you know, and there's other bands like that too, Methyl Evels, another one like that. But yeah, it's different times.
And I'm really glad that that's true, you know, because, I mean, yeah, we talked a lot of shit on Perth when we were young, you know, and I don't, I mean, it's changed anyway. But also, that's just kind of the age we were at and, you know, just being, you know, hot under the collar and thinking that we were cool than everyone else. Big city kids.
It's snotty, you know, but, you know, Perth's actually a pretty damn good place. And I think Western Australia is the best state, there's no doubt in my mind about that. So controversial comments, but that's not controversial at all. I mean, I think, I mean, all Australia has something fabulous about every state, you know, even South Australia, which is kind of like, you know, I mean, all besides all the wine, there's, you know, a lot of a lot of baroness like WA, but, but, you know, West Australia has the tropics and the Margaret River. I mean, it's just incredible. Anyway, I'm not here to talk about that. It's a vast, it's a vast and it's a vast landscape. And you can hear that, you can hear the different, I mean, as you said before, the blues and roots thing that very much, I would say related to the lifestyle that people are living. Well, there's a little bit of a lotus eating thing going on in WA, always has been, you know, Perth, because life is pretty good there. Yeah.
Well, would you trade the sharkies for the Western Reds? I never did.
So no, but I did sort of meet up with Julian O'Neill when he was over there. It was a very funny story. I don't know if he'd tell it, but anyway, he's a nice bloke, but he obviously had a bit of a problem at the time, so I don't want to go into that.
Well, when WA decided to launch themselves into Rugby League, they did attract a lot of the bad boys of the game over there in the Western Reds. Yeah, they really were the Cuddlum dragons in the Super League one.
So you go from the victims to the mannequins. Yeah, yeah. And I had one band in between that was called the Midget Neferalies. They were kind of this, again, it was like a repudiation of the victims almost. I was doing something so anti-punk because I kind of got, I was sick of the whole regimentation of punk and the kind of orthodoxy of it. So I did the opposite.
I did this cabaret band and somehow made a lot of money quite quickly. And that's what funded my trip to overseas. Okay. I overseas first.
Cabaret. Yeah, cabaret. But we call it cabaret, but it's basically like weird covers from the early 60s, which at that time no one was doing.
And we did it for like zero cost. We carried our own gear. We had like a little column PA. There was no roadies, no hiring of fancy PAs, just so we could set up in the corner of a car, put in a pub somewhere and play, but somehow got very popular very quickly. And we made a lot of money.
And I, after three months, I bought a ticket overseas and left three months later. And what was that? Was that like a, was that a research trip or you were going over there to stay or? I was just going away. Cause it was like, you know, you're 21, you want to see the world. I'd already been talking the talk for a long time about get the hell out of Perth and see the world. You know, we feel stuck here.
And that's what I did. You know, I mean, a lot of Australians did it, not just music fans. The London push mate. But I went to New York mainly. So cabaret music was essentially, you know, the first kind of like the mining boom in WA. That's, you know, that's where the kids go and make their money and then they leave. It was a bit like that. I was a FIFO. I flew out in flying.
But there was a lot of, you know, successful bands in Perth that weren't, but they all played covers, you know, and they, and they'd usually find a genre or something. And the Farallies wasn't really like that, but it sort of ended up being like that. But that was the mainstream of music in Perth. And the bands like that I was in, like the victims and other bands that came in the wake of the victims, because we were the first real wave of, you know, bands that wrote their own songs at that time. And there had been back in the 60s, some bands that had written songs and bakery was one, I think, in the late 60s, Sid Rumpoe.
But you know, it had been a big void for a long time because there just wasn't any industry to support it. And as I said, the attitude also was that, you know, if it's a new song, it can't be any good because, you know, I would have heard it already.
So you said before that you went to New York. Or was it like going there for the first time, you know, as a kid from Perth? It was weird. I was in Times Square, and I had this very strange experience where I felt like I'd been there before. And I hadn't had that anywhere else, but I literally felt I'd been there before, you know, past life or something. But either way, I felt really comfortable there. And it was a great time to be there.
It was 1979. This was, you know, post-punk, but it was still incredibly, you know, fertile time. I saw The Cramps for the first time. They're a band that were just, you know, had been around for a couple of years, but we're just starting to get a bit more acclaim, whatever, a bit more noticed. BFI The Twos, their first album was coming out then. I saw Talking Heads doing like a secret show for their third album. Like it was a very, you know, very early time.
And also, all the bands you'd never heard of that were popping it up and playing it. And I also started seeing Vintage Acts that I'd never heard of before. I mean, or hadn't seen. I mean, I saw Jerry Lee Lewis in a club performing, you know, John Cale. I mean, I'd heard of these people, obviously, but, you know, the chance to see them in a small venue like that was incredible.
And it was really a study tour is how it felt to me. Finishing school. Yeah, right. But it really opened up my eyes. I mean, I'd already wanted to, as I say, expand my taste after punk because it was, punk was kind of a little bit like year zero in musical terms. It kind of like purified everything down to its essence. And then after that, it was like, well, yeah, that's great.
But that's given me a kind of like an anvil to strike things against. But I actually want to find more things out there to kind of work with.
And I was broadening my taste. I discovered country music. I mean, I'd heard of country music, obviously, but I hadn't liked it. So, you know, I fell in love with country music via Elvis, actually, the Sun Sessions. And, you know, I was also deeply researching into 60s punk garage, you know, bands from the mid 60s that were influenced by the Yardbirds and the Stones. You know, these one hit wonders and things like that.
So it was kind of like a real growth phase for me. And it also gave me a I came back and formed the Hoodoo Gurus, like, well, it took a little while because I ended up coming back and joining the mannequins for a little while in Perth because I had my tail between my legs or broke, really. It just came back and had to pay my parents back for the return ticket. And eventually I moved to Sydney and started the Gurus a few months later.
But it was first known as this funny band with three guitars and no bass.
That's right. It was known as the Hoodoo Gurus. Who were these fellas? Where'd you meet them? And how'd you come up with that?
Well, Rod was someone from the punk scene in Perth. He'd been the scientist at one point. And the punk scene in Perth was very small.
So we all knew each other and loved, you know, and fans of each other's bands. So Rod independently moved over with his girlfriend, Erica, and we were all sharing a house. And where were you living?
Palmer Lane in Darlinghurst. Oh, yeah. Nice. Back when it was a red light district. Yeah, you know, a good area. It was a great area. It was fantastic.
And Kimball was actually someone I knew through another girl from the punk scene, a good friend of mine at the time. And we actually have fallen out subsequently, sadly. Her name was Eva and her boyfriend was Kimball, who was in the Exogaprize.
He had just left that band a little while ago at the time, or he was just leaving them. I don't know quite how it worked out. But we had to be a New Year's Eve party a few months after we got to town and just talking about music. You know, all the different things we liked and how there were other bands and we'd seen that none of them were doing the sort of influences that we were interested in.
And so we just thought, let's form a group. And that was as easy as that conversation over a long neck of beer. Yeah. All right. The ball's rolling there.
You kind of well, eventually, eventually took us nine months to play a gig. James joined a few months later. We were working in James. There's the sinus somehow that broke up in Perth. Kim, for some reason, wanted to break the band up. And so James wrote a letter saying, look, I hear you're forming a group.
And I'm a drummer. I want to move to Sydney or Melbourne. So how about I become your drummer?
And so that's what happened. And he came over and we only could rehearse on weekends because we all had day jobs to pay the enormous rents in Sydney. What kind of day jobs did you have then? I mean, like, well, James used to work in like kitchen hand stuff.
Yeah. Right.
I'm not sure what Rob was doing. I forget the things. He had lots of different weird jobs. My job, though, I had a job at a place called Hospital Products, and it was a bit of a scam company.
They did this product called surgical staples, which are like cassettes that hold little staples that they can zip you up on the inside and basically has a little concealed blade that will slice open an organ and then stitch it up with staples and join it together again. It's a bit it's a technology that's still used. All right. You know, when you hear people stapling their stomachs. That's that. That's that same company.
But this what happened the way they started was actually the person who began the company was that had worked for that parent company or not a parent company, but the same technology in America. And they'd researched the patents and found out that the one country they hadn't registered patents for this technology was Australia. So he came to Australia, stole the technology and started a rival company in the hopes that they'd buy him out.
And I think that's eventually what happened. But I was working there at this sort of start up, basically, and it was a clean room. So I looked a bit like Homer Simpson with the full top to toe. Yeah, it has that thing on. It was basically just dust free. So we work on this sort of NASA sort of filtered technology. And, you know, also stuff after a hard day in that environment, I can imagine you want to go back down to Darlow with a long neck of piss and start playing some music or a, you know, or a flag and, you know, flag is a very good note.
There's before even the the cast one was, you know, very popular. Oh, yeah. The bigger they call them now growlers. Yeah. Big, big jar of it.
Well, you get a flag for like two bucks, you know, up at the Oxford Hotel up on Taylor Square. Go to Tin Holm next door and get those giant spring rolls. Two of those for about two bucks. So you had a meal and a nice entertainment in the case of a flag and, you know, and talking shit and writing songs.
When did you start hearing about people who had heard about you from people you didn't know? You know, when did you start hearing that your name was getting around?
Ah, gee, that's a hard one. We were playing the Maroubra seals, headlining there, and it was all the surfers loved us. And there's just this heaving mass of people.
And my friend went there and she came in the room. She said the smell overwhelmingly was feminine.
Yeah. May I say that? Yeah. And she said it was just hit it like a wave. You know, we were so hot. Yeah. But that's the audience expect experience for us up on stage. It's just a gig and we've got lights and sound blasting at us and we're just trying not to make them, you know, make a mistake or look like idiots. Yeah.
So you're kind of like you're in your own worlds like a little bit. I mean, it's it's hard to imagine that when you sort of, you know, say, how can you not notice a crowd and what's going on? But you're so busy. You don't really kind of take it in.
Yeah, yeah. And, you know, and it grew, you know, slowly. We always were a band that converted people through playing live. You know, radio stations used to in those days, they would they would bring up people at random and play them snatches of a song over the over the telephone and say, what do you think of this one? Yeah. And it was like, you know, it was market research. And they would say, you know, 30 seconds. They say, don't like it all. Yes.
Well, it got to the point where we'd played so much around Sydney and, you know, elsewhere that when they rang someone, there's a chance that that person might have actually been to one of our gigs and liked us and you recognised put it on and they say like that one. And so that's how we got, you know, acceptable to radio because we weren't naturally. I mean, they when we got signed up, the record industry almost universally thought it was hilarious because we were not playing what was popular. We weren't playing electronic pop music like Human League and Thompson Twins and all that. And we had no prospects, as far as I'm concerned.
So why would anyone bother wasting time in this band? They're playing guitars, for God's sake.
You know, so we always kind of had to do our own sort of converting along on the ground because we didn't really get, you know, much help in the industry. I mean, they played us eventually, but we did most of it ourselves.
Do you remember the moment when, you know, you decided that, you know, you didn't have to sell the medical staples anymore? Like, was there a moment when you were like, all right, I'm going to take this tiny boat out of the safe harbor of being a salesman and trying to. I was the salesman. I was actually with the raging seas of the lab. I was in the I was a good.
Oh, so he was he was doing this. He was the one. Yeah.
But what I was doing, I actually quit that job and I had a bit of a run in with the union. I tried to unionize the place and that caused it. That was quite a funny experience. I don't know if you want to go into that one. But, you know, I went down and met with the AWU and and the place was black band and all this sort of stuff. You know, I've been sacked and they had they restored my job. And it was all that sort of. This guy's just trying to pump and dump this guy unionizing the work. It was it was a weird situation. But anyway, I quit the job the day before our first gig.
I actually had my last day. Yeah, right. So that September of 81, I just decided that's it done. And so it was on the dole and true, you know, and freely admit it. And I paid my debt to society many, many times since then.
You know, to me, it was a little art school. You know, it was that Bob Hawk surf team.
That's what I can't remember who was even the prime minister then. But 81, September, 81, whoever that was.
But yeah, so I did quit. And, you know, we did sort of take a bit of time to kind of get enough income to be able to go off the dole. But as soon as we could, we did, because it was a pain in the ass. Yeah.
You had to write down all these jobs you were supposed to have gone for. All these interviews you didn't do.
You know, it's easier just to just, you know, make do on the gig money. Yeah. So you're a live music band at this point, and you're converting people via live music. Sounds like at that time in Sydney, you could do five gigs a night. You know, you could bounce. I mean, between Newcastle and Wollongong, there was somewhere to play every night of the week. Absolutely. That was. Yeah, certainly when we got popular, we were playing six, seven, you know, six nights a week, quite commonly.
And when was the hard living? Because obviously in every in every story, there is a little bit of hard living. Do you reckon that was hard living? That was hard living.
Yeah. You know, I mean, pissing up each each gig. Oh, no, it wasn't like that. You know, I'm sorry. I can't give you those sort of stories that, you know, a lot of people fantasize about. No, but I'm talking about the exhaustion of it all.
Like, you know, you come off set and you need a few beers to kind of settle down and then you might even have a second gig. I had this weird thing after a while because being the singer was a bit different for me because unfortunately, I'm not like a Jimmy Barnes where I couldn't sort of go up and drink half a bottle of bourbon and then sing, you know, or, you know, even during the show. I found out kind of early, especially when the when the intensity of doing more gigs happened, that I actually would lose my voice if I didn't just not drink. And I actually ended up not drinking at all when I was singing, which was kind of weird because it made me kind of an angry man as well. You know, on tour, you know, I get frustrated.
Yeah, yeah. Just being like, yeah. Can you get rid of this bloke here, please? No, yeah.
You know, the other guys in the band, you know, they could drink, you know, much more and sometimes, unfortunately, some drank too much. And, you know, that was led to problems of its own. But yeah, it wasn't like that, you know. But yeah, the hard living to me was, you know, basically spending my life being a working musician and having to kind of toe the line to do that. Yeah, it wasn't really that social.
For example, you know, in the late 80s, we would tour to America and we'd go to America, the U.S., the U.K. and then back to America for a couple of albums in a row where we were basically gone six months at a time. And, you know, you come home and you talk to people and, you know, your friends and nearest and dearest and you say, you know, what's been happening?
And they say, oh, not much. Yeah, yeah. And they're right. You know, they haven't, you know, the dog hasn't died maybe or whatever.
But, you know, you've missed out on those small little daily connections that are, you know, all about being close and involved in each other's lives. You have to kind of pick up and reacquaint yourself. And it's a very disconnected feeling, you know. And, you know, I was actually kind of unhappy in my 30s for that reason, because, you know, I didn't really feel connected.
Yeah. And it wasn't until I literally turned 40. That day, I remember vividly the day I turned 40, I suddenly felt like a weight lift off of my shoulders. I was like, thank God that's over.
Was that what you're thinking? You're thinking now we can kind of scale down a little bit? No, no, not that.
I mean, the band had actually at that point had announced it was breaking up. But that wasn't the reason. It was literally because I just found that personally nothing to do with the band. But I mean, obviously it was related to the band.
But just my 30s, I didn't really feel very much satisfaction in that. I just felt like I'd kind of sacrificed my life for my career.
Yeah. And all work and no play, so to speak, you know. Also, the other thing was about was like turning 40. I suddenly realized, like, you know what? Who gives a rat what anyone thinks? Now you can just relish in being a middle aged man. Yeah. Well, you know, I mean, thinking back now, go, God, is that middle aged?
Because I mean, I know what it feels like now to be now. And that that feels looks pretty young to me now. But when you turn 40, I've got to tell everyone, if you're worried about it, if you're still younger than 40, don't worry, because your body still looks after you pretty well for the next 10 years. You've got 40 to 50 as a free decade unless you're unlucky. So most people feel just as good.
You don't sort of creak as much getting in and out of cars as you hear old people doing, you know, making those sounds. We all end up making those sounds, getting in and out of cars or whatever, providing you behave as well as Dave.
Whatever. But but the good part about turning 40 is you cease caring so much about what people think of you and you kind of go, you know what? I'm just me, so I'll just do what I do. And it's such a relief after, you know, spending years basically trying to look, you know, fulfill others expectations.
What is what are you kind of saying there? Even in this conversation we're having, not necessarily about the band, but it is quite a relatable conversation we're having right now that, you know, you're talking to a bunch of people who, you know, there will be a lot of listeners who are about to turn 40 who might exhale. Lots of listeners on tractors that have to climb in and out.
Yeah, right. But the band actually is known for that as well as being kind of being old. Because we are known for that now. You read about it everywhere.
It's the Australians. Australians know the hooded gurus. They're guys while we're very proud of that.
We've always wanted to be seen as as normal people and not, you know, jumped up pop stars. We deliberately made videos that kind of poke fun at ourselves and, you know, punctured the pomposity of being a pop star. You know, all our videos was to our detriment, really, because people, you know, a lot of people didn't take us seriously, you know, for that reason. They thought we were just a joke or or, you know, just lightweight.
But the songs themselves were about serious things. I mean, even though they have might have, you know, incredibly catchy melodies or whatever, or, you know, be really powerful rock and dancing songs. But underneath it all, they had serious points to make.
So, you know, we meant what we're doing. We weren't just being cut, you know, just lightweight in that respect. But as far as, you know, like having ears and graces, we never want to do that. And I think people understood that the way we carried ourselves and what we've and the way our music's about that, too. It's about being not mystifying people, just if we've got something to say, we hope you understand what we're saying rather than trying to pretend we're being more in itself important than.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You said the start 12 years since your last record. Yeah, yeah. It was a long time. So it sounds like reading up on everything that you guys have kind of putting out with this new record.
It sounds like COVID. The pandemic might have triggered something in you all. No, it didn't actually. It was actually in spite of COVID.
We we started the first recording. The first single came out in December of 2019. So we'd just begun making moves to start recording the album. We were going to do it as a series of singles was our plan. It was kind of like a different approach, pretty much like we first started. That's how we recorded the first album. So we got that single done and we were just rehearsing the next few songs, thinking this pick a single from these. And we'd written the song called Get Out of Dodge and Carry On, which had both become singles subsequently. But we had studio time booked.
We had to cancel it because suddenly in March, everything went to lockdown and we didn't see each other for three months at all. You know, because we stuck in our houses, no one was allowed to visit each other.
And eventually we got to the point we could trust each other. And we went and we found some the studio people we trusted as well. And we got into the studio and did it.
And of course, things got better than they went bad again. And it's been up and down.
But the songs weren't written about COVID. They're written more about things that have been going on generally in my life in the case of the songs that I've written. Brad's written a couple of great songs on there as well. So no, I don't actually think it's a COVID album, funnily enough.
Do you think there was a creative flair spiked by the fact that you needed to get the hell out of the house and in the studio?
Well, we actually set aside 2020 to be a year. We're going to make the record. We'd already planned that. So we kind of planned on not doing much live work at that time, but we didn't plan on doing none, which is what happened. And then, you know, we didn't plan on not doing work last year either. You know, that was going to be our 40th anniversary. We kind of had a bit of an idea to do this tour, which in fact, we're about to start, which is, you know, this tour with Andy Warhol's. That was a big plan. Obviously, it's a long time in the planning, and that got delayed from last year to this year now.
So, yeah, it was just it was great, though, in the sense of COVID, because it gave us something to focus on creatively. We were stuck in our houses, but, you know, I was really busy writing songs, working, you know, and then we were in the studio up and down and mixing them all. It just was we always had something to do, plus with videos to make and singles being released. So there's always something going on. So it kept me sane in that regard.
Has the creative process changed over the years? Obviously, since you were, you know, paying rent Palmer Lane to, you know, now obviously you can live in a place where your car is not going to end up upside down on fire in Camperdown Park, you know, unless the drains flood. Yeah, but has the process that you've all gone through to make these classic albums over the years, has that changed much over the time?
Not for me.
I mean, I think I'm better at writing, but, you know, only people going to answer that know that listen, because they're the ones that ultimately decide. But I feel like I, you know, as a writer, I come up with less duds, songs that I do go, you know, that's just not happening. A song may not be one we record, but it's mainly for the reason that, oh, it sounds like the sort of thing we would do. So choose not to do that, to repeat ourselves too much. But the song itself is not like a bad song. It's actually a pretty good song.
As far as writing, I've always been the same. I'm a very lazy person, believe it or not, even though I work really hard when I'm working. I'm a major procrastinator.
So I don't have songs that are written waiting for the band to learn them or anything. I basically don't start writing songs till the album's planned. What I do do is I accumulate little ideas on my phone these days. I used to be on the cassette player or whatever. And, you know, I might be, you know, going for a morning walk and just a guitar riff idea comes in my head or a bit of tune and I'll just sing it into the microphone and they'll forget about it. And when it comes time to record an album and write some songs, I'll go back to these little source tapes and whatever you want to call them, files. And what still inspires me, I'll work on and turn it into a complete song. It might even be a half-finished song, but it doesn't feel that way to me. They're kind of like just bits and bobs. So that's what I've always done. And it's partly why we take so long to make albums, because I always think to myself, I haven't got any songs. How can we make an album?
Because there's nothing there. The cupboard's empty, as far as I can tell.
But of course, there's all this sort of stuff that's been sort of, you know, put aside for later. Little morsels.
Yeah, so I've actually got to make myself sit down and have a deadline and then I work on it and write the song. So all the songs in this new album, the brand's back in you, except for one, which I wrote in 2004, I think 2003. It's a song called Settle Down, which is actually about growing old. So it's funny because it's the youngest song. I mean, it's the songs from way back. But the song's actually brand new.
So I'm kind of proud of that, actually, because I mean, there's no better deadline than the 40th anniversary either. Well, that'll fire up. Yeah, yeah. Well, just just seriously, you know, just book some studio time, have a producer lined up.
Funnily enough, you'll figure out you better do something before you go in there. You don't look like an idiot when you walk in the door with nothing. So that's what happens.
And are you ready to rock? Not this minute, but give me a give me a half hour. I could probably be ready to rock. I've got to warm my voice up. That's what it is. Well, I'm hoping you're ready to rock, Dave.
You know, there's a lot of people expecting to hear you. A lot of people out there waiting to hear you. And, you know, everything's open back up now. So both your fans and your band can all do what you love doing. And I'll be there. I'll be there in the crowd listening.
You've just released Chariots of Gods. It's your 10th studio album. And in true Guru's fashion, 14 bangers. There's actually 17 on the Deluxe Double Vinyl Edition. And it's distinctively Hoodoo Gurus that I'm hearing when I listen to it.
So thanks for joining us, Dave. And congratulations on everything you've done in your career and over the last couple of years during these difficult times. Cheers. Thank you. Thanks. For my career. Yeah.
And all work and no play, so to speak, you know.
Also, the other thing was about was I turning 40. I suddenly realized, like, you know what?
Who gives a rat? What do you want to think?
Now you can just relish in being a middle aged man. Yeah. Well, you know, I mean, thinking back now, go, God, is that middle age? Because I mean, I know what it feels like now to be now. And that that feels looks pretty young to me now.
But when you turn 40, I've got to tell everyone, if you're worried about it, if you're still younger than 40, don't worry, because your body still looks after you pretty well for the next 10 years. You got 40 to 50 as a free decade unless you're unlucky. So most people feel just as good. You don't sort of creak as much getting in and out of cars as you hear old people doing, you know, making those sounds. We all end up making those sounds, getting out of cars or whatever, providing you behave as well as they've been to whatever. But the good part about turning 40 is you cease caring so much about what people think of you and you kind of go, you know what? I'm just me, so I'll just do what I do. And it's such a relief after, you know, spending years basically trying to look, you know, fulfill others expectations.
What is what are you kind of saying there? Even in this conversation we're having, not necessarily about the band, but it is quite a relatable conversation we're having right now that, you know, you're talking to a bunch of people who, you know, there will be a lot of listeners who are about to turn 40 who might exhale. Lots of listeners on tractors that have to climb in and out.
Yeah, right. But the band actually is known for that as well as being kind of being old. Because we are known for that now. You read about it everywhere. So the Australians, Australians know the Hoota Gurus, their guys. Well, we're very proud of that.
We've always wanted to be, you know, seen as as normal people and not, you know, jumped up pop stars. We deliberately made videos that kind of poke fun at ourselves and, you know, punctured the pomposity of being a pop star. You know, all our videos was to our detriment, really, because people, you know, a lot of people didn't take us seriously, you know, for that reason. They thought we were just a joke or or, you know, just lightweight.
But the songs themselves were about serious things. I mean, even though they might have, you know, incredibly catchy melodies or whatever, or, you know, be really powerful rock dancing songs. But underneath it all, they had serious points to make.
So, you know, we meant what we're doing. We weren't just being cut, you know, just lightweight in that respect. But as far as, you know, like having ears and graces, we never want to do that. And I think people understood that way, the way we carried ourselves and what we and the way our music's about that, too. It's about being not mystifying people. Just if we've got something to say, we hope you understand what we're saying rather than trying to pretend we're being more in itself important.
And yeah, yeah, yeah. You said the start 12 years since your last record. Yeah, yeah. It was a long time. So it sounds like reading up on everything that you guys have kind of putting out with this new record.
It sounds like COVID. The pandemic might have triggered something in you all. No, it didn't actually. It was actually in spite of COVID.
We we started the first recording. The first single came out in December of 2019. So we'd just begun making moves to start recording the album. We were going to do it as a series of singles was our plan. It was a kind of like a different approach, pretty much like we first started. That's how we recorded the first album. So we got that single done. We were just rehearsing the next few songs, taking this, pick a single from these. And we'd written a song called Get Out of Dodge and Carry On, which had both become single subsequently. But we had studio time booked.
We had to cancel it because suddenly in March, everything went to lockdown and we didn't see each other for three months at all. You know, because we stuck in our houses, no one allowed to visit each other.
And eventually we got to the point we could trust each other. And we went and we found some the studio people we trusted as well. And we got into the studio and did it. And of course, things got better.
Then they went bad again and it's been up and down. But the songs weren't written about COVID. They're written more about things that have been going on generally in my life. In the case of the songs that I've written, Brad's written a couple of great songs on there as well. So no, I don't actually think it's a COVID album, funnily enough. Do you think there was a creative flair spiked by the fact that you needed to get the hell out of the house and in the studio?
Well, we actually set aside 2020 to be a year. We're going to make the record. Yeah, we'd already planned that. So we kind of planned on not doing much live work at that time, but we didn't plan on doing none, which is what happened. And then, you know, we didn't plan on not doing work last year either. You know, that was going to be our 40th anniversary. We kind of had a bit of an idea to do this tour, which in fact, we're about to start, which is, you know, this tour with the Andy Warhols. That was a big plan. Obviously, it's a long time in the planning, and that got delayed from last year to this year now.
So, yeah, it was just it was great, though, in the sense of COVID, because it gave us something to focus on creatively. We were stuck in our houses, but, you know, I was really busy writing songs, working, you know, and then we were in the studio up and down and mixing them all. It just was we always had something to do. Plus, we had videos to make and singles that were being released. So there's always something going on. So it kept me sane in that regard.
Has the creative process changed over the years, obviously, since you were, you know, paying rent on Palmer Lane to, you know, now obviously you can live in a place where your car is not going to end up upside down on fire in Camperdown Park, you know, unless the drain's flood. Yeah, but has the process that you've all gone through to make these classic albums over the years, has that changed much over the time?
Not for me.
I mean, I think I'm better at writing. But, you know, only people can answer that, you know, that listen, because they're the ones that ultimately decide. But I feel like I, you know, as a writer, I come up with less duds songs that I do go, you know, that's just not happening. A song may not be one we record, but it's mainly for the reason that, oh, it sounds like the sort of thing we would do. So choose not to do that, to repeat ourselves too much. But the song itself is not like a bad song. It's actually a pretty good song.
As far as writing, I've always been the same. I'm a very lazy person, believe it or not, even though I work really hard when I'm working, I'm a major procrastinator.
So I don't have songs that are written waiting for the band to learn them or anything. I basically don't start writing songs till the album's planned. What I do do is I accumulate little ideas on my phone these days. I used to be on the cassette player or whatever. And, you know, I might be, you know, going for a morning walk and just a guitar riff idea comes in my head or a bit of tune and I'll just sing it into the microphone and they'll forget about it. And when it comes time to record an album and write some songs, I'll go back to these little source tapes and whatever you want to call them, files. And what still inspires me, I'll work on and turn it into a complete song. It might even be a half-finished song, but it doesn't feel that way to me. They're kind of like just bits and bobs. So that's what I've always done. And it's partly why we take so long to make albums, because I always think to myself, I haven't got any songs. How can we make an album?
Because there's nothing there. The cup is empty, as far as I can tell.
But of course, there's all this sort of stuff that's been sort of, you know, put aside for later. Little morsels. Yeah.
So I've actually got to make myself sit down and have a deadline and then I work on it and write the song. So all the songs in this new album, the brand's back in you except for one, which I wrote in 2004, I think 2003, a song called Settle Down, which is actually about growing old. So it's funny because it's the youngest song. I mean, it's the songs from way back. But the song is actually brand new. So I'm kind of proud of that, actually.
I mean, there's no better deadline than the 40th anniversary either. Well, that'll fire you up. Yeah, just seriously, you know, just book some studio time, have a producer lined up. Funnily enough, you'll figure out you better do something before you go in there. You don't want to look like an idiot when you walk in the door with nothing. So that's what happens.
And are you ready to rock? Not this minute, but give me a half hour. I could probably be ready to rock. I've got to warm my voice up. That's what it is. Yeah, well, I'm hoping you're ready to rock, Dave.
You know, there's a lot of people expecting to hear you. A lot of people out there waiting to hear you. And you know, everything's opened back up now. So both your fans and your band can all do what you love doing. And I'll be there. I'll be there in the crowd listening.
You've just released Chariots of Gods. It's your 10th studio album. And in true Guru's fashion, 14 bangers. There's actually 17 on the deluxe double vinyl edition. And it's distinctively hoodoo gurus that I'm hearing when I listen to it.
So thanks for joining us, Dave. And congratulations on everything you've done in your career and over the last couple of years during these difficult times. Cheers. Thank you. Thanks. |
TheOnion | How_To_Avoid_Unbearable_Facebook_Bullshit_On_Election_Day | The polls have only been open for a few hours, but already Facebook is being flooded with an incredible number of obnoxious election related wall posts and status updates Jason Copeland has some tips for surviving this onslaught of unbearable garbage Jason. Well, thank you Andrea your friends on Facebook Simply can't shut the fuck up today, but you can limit your exposure to their inane status updates Misattributed quotes about democracy and self-righteous reminders to get out and vote with these simple tips tip number one Immediately block anyone who posts about the election now that includes horrible irritating liberals sharing Unbelievable Mitt Romney stories that everyone else has known about for months as well as horrible conservative martyrs and Andrea Viewers need to be prepared to block even their closest loved ones today is that? Disgustingly smug video where that guy forces his three-year-old to say she loves Obama could be posted by your own brother now Jason Is it just people on Facebook who think everyone needs to hear their worthless opinions or the trend we're seeing on Twitter Is that everyone thinks they're fucking comedians That's why tip number two is to stay off the microblogging site all day today likely into tomorrow right now The number one ranking hashtag on Twitter is you know She is slut if she vote for where people hypothesize the kinds of things sluts vote for like Dicks and shirts that say ass on them. Oh, that is truly annoying stuff Jason But is there anything viewers can do to avoid these uninformed semi-coherent diatribe Andrea that brings us to tip number three Avoid every other website on the internet today some jackass has already posted about the election there this post found on red lobsters shrimp Toberfest page hateful Muslim Obama wants to sell our futures to China don't vote.
He is monkey. All right.
Thank you so much Jason These are great tips. Well, thanks Andrea and one final piece of advice before I go, you know I know it's gonna be tempting but whatever you do Do not make a post yourself that points out the hypocrisy of all your lazy Uninvolved friends making a big deal about Election Day That's right Remember that just makes you part of the problem great work Jason now Remember everyone if you must use social media today simply reread your own posts over and over again like you do anyway |
dropout | Breaking_News_Season_6_Trailer | The laughs start now. Global markets are crashing, gas prices are sky high, and my beef cheeks are ice cold. You idiots will read something like nipple here and crack up like you're 10. Bridges of four bitches. Dropout presents a new season of its critically ignored news show. We're not supposed to laugh.
Pervert was not in the prompter. It says pervert on my prompter.
That actually works with the cannon. I'm the only goddamn professional on this set. Say yes, chef, if you think your ears are too big and stupid. The teleprompter's full of jokes. Oh my God.
The anchors have no idea what's coming. We're getting word of a story now, in fact. They laugh, they lose.
Eating hot wasabi donuts is my favorite thing to do in the world. With episodes specifically bullying Grant O'Brien, say ah, Sam Reich, and more. Sam's into this. It is wild and crazy out there, and we've got a point of view.
Yeah, how do you like it? Is it tasty?
The three worst parts of dropout are, come on, man.
Let's find out. I'm good. That wasn't my question. You said it. Breaking news.
I have broken my boundaries, and I will break yours. Unfair, unbalanced, and unhinged.
Is everyone trying to fart right now? No, I am actively not. No, I'm worried about what else is gonna go on. |
dropout | hardly_working_jump_the_shark | Dan, you don't have to do this. Don't try to stop me.
This is my last chance to jump over Brian Murphy before our big move to Los Angeles. Next Tuesday at 8. 3, 2, Uno. I can't take any more of this will they, won't they drama.
I love you and you know what? I think you love me too.
What do you say? Will you be my wife? Yes! Multiple times, yes! Sub! Amir, did you hear? We're tying the knot. Congratulations!
Hey, just in time to meet our crazy all new neighbor pro skater Tony Hawk. Sarah and Kevin, Mazel Tov, Tony Hawk, Tony Hawk. That's right. It's Tony Hawk pro skater and dad. We're going to have some great adventures today guys. Who wants to try my shrinking ring? I'd love to Tony Hawk but I'm off to Detroit to have my own adventures immediately following your adventures at 83730 Central. So long everybody. Keep taking easy street. Hey, you know I will. Shut the hell up. Even me, pro skater and dad, Tony Hawk? Especially you Antonio. I came here for danger today and I'm going to jump over Brian Murphy whether or not he's brutally maimed in the process.
It's a boy. A beautiful, beautiful baby boy.
Wait a second. This baby is a tiny Supreme Court justice. This court is adjourned for nap time.
Coming up, it's hardly work in the new class. With special guests Tony Hawk. We'll be right back.
Bye.
It's hardly work in the new class. With special guests Tony Hawk. |
TheOnion | Onion_Social_CEO_Answers_Your_Questions_On_Privacy_And_User_Data | During our break we gave the audience an opportunity to write down some questions they had for Jeremy. Are you ready to take some questions? Sure, all right Sandra asks I filled out multiple forms and submitted several urine samples Why do you make it so hard to get accepted is that a complaint?
You're hearing a lot Jeremy that there are people that want to join onion social and just can't get added Yeah, onion social has been really popular and we just want to make sure everyone has been thoroughly vetted But do you find that that directly contradicts your promise for a free and open platform? I don't know All right, another question Melissa wrote I uploaded my info and was doxxed this week and now my life is falling apart Are steps being taken to protect user privacy? With onion social we've made sharing information even easier Jeremy Do you regret making onion social the unregulated space it is? Well onion social prides itself on being an open space for free expression Well, that's very interesting because on Wednesday you broke the story that Lin-Manuel Miranda was killed in a freak boating accident What are you doing to prevent the spread of fake news on onion social? I mean who's to say what's real and what's fake it.
Well Lin-Manuel Miranda for one That article was shared over 36 million times and yes celebrity influencers have been huge for us Their support's been really great Okay Andrews question is will you make it easier to search for the porn? I like the videos and pictures are disorganized and yeah, I mean we've we've heard our users concerns and We're always working to make the site a better place Jay asks, why isn't there more porn? There's already so much quality of streaming porn videos on the newsfeed are really better porn.
Yeah. Okay.
Got it Bruce's question is Why haven't you banned Jews from your site yet? Are you planning to ban Jews? No, of course not but you do collect and sell the data of those who believe Jews should be banned.
Well Yes, but not none. It's not because I mean Jeremy do you want to take off your hoodie? No, I never take it off. You're very sweaty.
That's fine. I'm fine hmm This last one is from Charles he writes I've really been enjoying using onion social It has helped me connect with tons of like-minded people from around the globe. That's that's good That's that's great to hear but I'm curious Are you working on a more streamlined design so I and other Isis sympathizers can recruit with even greater ease? |
SaturdayNightLive | top_gun_25th_anniversary_dvd_ii_saturday_night_live | The 25th Anniversary Dvd of Top Gun. Alan Alder. Son, you're ego's writing checks. your body can't care. that is a terrific line. I feel like I understand everything about this movie just from the one line. that's good writing, you know. I don't know about airplanes. Johnny Depp, Screen Test, Take One. you lost that loving feeling. you lost that loving feeling. you lost that loving feeling. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, you're supposed to sing it. Oh, sing, sing, right, right. You know, I'm not gonna do that. all I have to do is. bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.
No. hey, we're too close for missiles. I'm switching to Me Balls. Sydney Walker, and Action. Goosy, Big Stud. Take me to bed or lose me forever. Okay, okay, Captain Lou, you can't say the line while she's saying it. Michael Winslow. I got a boogie on my tail.
Downtown Julie Brown. Hello, I'm Downtown Julie Brown and I'm sorry to report that the man they call Goose is dead. Okay, thank you, Julie.
Paula Poundstone? what kind of a name is Goose? he's like, hi, nice to meet you. my name's Duck. hey. that's my time. if you screw up. this much. you're gonna be flying a cargo plane full of rapid dogs! S**t! Well, more presentation. Well, you got to get it out there so they can see your face. Yeah. Goose, you big stud. take me to bed. shut up or lose me forever, Goose. Whoo! Whoo! that's too cool. Get away from my fake dog! The 25th Anniversary Dvd Of Top Gun. |
SaturdayNightLive | do_you_know_what_i_hate_night_watchmen_saturday_night_live | Hey, Willie. hi, Frankie. how's the West Wing? all secure. that's good. You know something, Frank? I don't like being a night watchman. there's nobody here. it means we're doing our job, Willie. I'm doing it well. yeah, but I liked it better when we was messengers.
I mean, and then I was out, I was meeting people. like that woman over at Chatham and Suits, right? I dropped her. yeah, she was all over me. all over me. She was.
I need room to breathe. I know, Willie. the stallion needs to run. and run free. What's the matter? my shoulder hurts. you know, that narrow hallway in the boiler room? the one with the. sposed bolts coming out of the wall? yeah. well, every time I walk past it, the bolts dig right into my shoulder. it's very painful. Boy, I want to talk about some pain.
I bought one of them linoleum knives the other day, you know? with the double-edged? right. So I go home, you know, and I spread my toes apart, and I just start sawing back and forth and back and forth, you know? And I take a little thing of tabasco sauce, you know, and I just start down there. you talk about a hot foot, mister. boy, that was rough. yeah, I know what you mean. you know, the other day, I took one of them. meat thermometers? yeah. and I just shoved it into my ear, you know, as far as it could go, you know? But then I took one of them. baupine hammers. right. and just whacked it a few times. right in there, you know? boy, that must smart. I know. I hate when that happens. you know what I hate? I go into the kitchen. I open a drawer, you know? uh-huh. I take out a. carrot scraper? right. and I stick it up my nose, you know? I just start kind of reaming it around, and, you know, getting all the mucous membranes out of there, you know? And then I take one of them. mentholated eucalyptus cough traps? right. and I stick it, wedge it up there, you know? I take a couple of whiffs, boy. I feel like your head's gonna explode. Boy, isn't that the truth? it's like the other night. I'm in the attic and I got a bunch of mouse traps, you know? right.
And for beer, I used a big piece of. Camembert. right. So I set the trap, right? and I wanna see if the trap was gonna work, right? So I got the Camembert in there. right. And every time I went to taste the cheese, the thing came down right on my tongue. I tell ya, after 40, 50 times, I couldn't even feel the cheese, much less tasting.
I hate when that happens, I'll tell you that. Boy, you know what I hate? I hate. I got grosser than. razor blades? no. fish hooks? no. thumb tacks, right? ah, yeah. So I bring them home, you know, and I sprinkle them all out over the floor, you know? points up? right. uh-huh. then I strip down to the nude back and forth across the room, you know? sticking in all over my body. then I jump in a hot tub and just soak. I hate that. sounds very painful. very painful. |
cracked | pitching_mt_rushmore_stuff_that_must_have_happened | Right. Presents. Stop. That must have happened.
Now here's Secretary Crawford's stimulus proposal for the Black Hills region. Thank you Governor. Now, as we all know, the farmers of the Black Hills region have been struggling to get by with what little they have already. I propose that we invest in subsidies to keep crop costs low and the farmers employed. To ensure that the surrounding landscape will be pristine for the years to come. thorough as always Crawford, thank you. Next we have Robinson's proposal.
What is this? Something awesome. Can you elaborate?
I want to carve my three favorite presidents onto a mountain. And why should we spend our stimulus money on this? Are we not looking at the same picture of Teddy Roosevelt? I mean, he's on a mountain.
Why would we not want to spend our money on this? Sorry, excuse me, Governor. What's the practicality of this? I mean, how much would something like this cost? How much does freedom cost? I'm not following the logic. It costs a lot more than a mountain. I can tell you that right now. Governor, I just think the money would be better spent on the farmers.
Do you love George Washington? What? Simple question. Do you love George Washington? Yes. Prove it.
Allocate me federal funds so I can put his face on a mountain. That mountain is sacred to the Native Americans.
Okay, guys, the Indians wouldn't want us to have something better. Leave it alone, right? Okay, look, we're Americans, and these are the 1920s. We do whatever we want besides legally drink alcohol and allow blacks to play baseball.
So, do you want to be the governor that throws a farmer a few nickels? Or do you want to be the governor that builds something cool? Can we put Lincoln up there? I'll need 50 million more for the beard.
We can take it from the schools. Done. It must have happened. |
TheOnion | Florida_Names_Penis_As_Official_State_Genital | Florida has named the human penis as its official state genital.
Florida officials announced that the penis will now be granted protected status and a fine would be levied against anyone attempting to harm them.
Native to the Everglades and worshipped by many native tribes of the area, Florida's history is intimately intertwined with the reproductive organ, hosting a stunning diversity of penis shapes, sizes, and colors.
While many in the Sunshine State are happy to see the gonads finally getting the recognition they deserve, there are some critics who have begun circulating a petition to have the official state genital changed back to the cloaca.
In a groundbreaking discovery, scientists have successfully taught mice to hate women.
Researchers at Drexel University have announced that after years of test trials, they have finally been able to train laboratory mice to categorize women into prudes and bitches, as well as hiss at women when not directly squeaked to, demonstrating once and for all that sexism is possible across the animal kingdom.
On the heels of this breakthrough, scientists are now planning the next phase of their research by conditioning mice to target women of color even more aggressively. |
TheOnion | Child_Bankrupts_Make_A_Wish_Foundation | But anyway, there they are and I guess they're just for decorative purposes. I don't know, right? Maybe you at home enjoy seeing them. Right.
Anyway, we have a story for you right now that is really going to get you steamed up. It's one of those abuses of power stories. Today, the Make-A-Wish Foundation, you know them for all the charitable work they've done over the years, is expected to file for bankruptcy all due to the financial strain caused by one little child's wish for unlimited wishes.
You've got to be kidding me. I wish I were kidding you, but I'm not.
No, this kid, Chad Carter, he's an eight-year-old living up in Boston. He has leukemia. He took advantage of some bureaucratic loophole in the charter of this organization and wanted nonstop wish fulfillment to the tune of nine trips to Walt Disney World for himself and his family of five, a real live F-14 Tomcat, which had to be decommissioned from Afghanistan, and daily hot dog lunches with Yankee slugger Johnny Damon, as well as untold hundreds of thousands of dollars spent on fire trucks, dump trucks, regular trucks, and, you know, the kid doesn't even drive.
Unbelievable.
Listen to how he responds to all this. I don't want the wishes to ever end. Can you imagine? Is there only himself to think of? And joining us now here is Make-A-Wish Foundation President Dean Feinglass.
Dean, our sympathies to you today, buddy. You are really in a bind, aren't you? Yeah, we sure are, but our slogan is, a promise is a promise. Because of that, our hands are pretty much tied right now. So, Dean, what have you thought of to do to fight this situation?
Well, we had gotten a pro bono legal team, and, of course, Chad found out about it, and guess what? He wished away our legal team.
He's got all the bases covered. Every day I go in there, and it's more outrageous than the day before. Is there anything our viewers can do to help? There is. They can send donations. We're asking just about for anything. I mean, if they have 10-speed bicycles, volleyball sets, I mean, connections with celebrities. The worst case is that we continue to grant Chad day after day his unlimited wishes from now until the day he dies. Well, and we can only hope that that's coming soon. Well, unfortunately, Make-A-Wish is now responsible for the best oncology care for Chad, as that was one of his first wishes. Wow, this kid thinks of everything, doesn't he? Yes.
Best of luck to you. We're hoping for you. Thanks a lot. Thanks. |
TheOnion | President_Faces_Down_Monster_In_Action_Packed_Schedule | Good morning, everyone. We have a lot to cover today, so I'm going to quickly run through the President's schedule, and then we'll take some questions after that.
At approximately 806 a.m., the President will be awoken by one of his closest advisors, who will tell him, Mr. President, a giant monster has entered Manhattan. And then at 845 a.m., after receiving a briefing on the situation, the President will meet with members of his ethnically diverse staff around a large circular table in a dimly lit room, where he then will have to decide whether to trust his militaristic defense secretary or his brilliant but troubled scientific advisor, who will then claim that a traditional military assault will not work on the monster. The President will listen to both sides of the argument, of course, and then at 857 a.m., the President will push himself back from the table, pause for a moment, and then in a tone, both wistful and strong, say, send in the Marines. At 945 a.m., the President and his advisors will huddle around a screen where they'll actually follow the battle in real time. They will then listen in on a radio communication from a handsome young Marine with a beautiful pregnant wife, who will inform them it's not working, this thing is like nothing we've ever seen before, it's getting stronger by the minute, oh no, it's coming toward us. The radio will then go dead, and after a hushed silence, the President will ask to be left alone. At 1004 a.m., clouds will begin to roll in, casting shadows across the President's face, and at 1005 a.m., the President will then stare at several pictures of previous Presidents on the wall, looking for answers that will never come, for the answers will have been inside him all along, which he will then find out at approximately 1115 a.m. And at 1 15 p.m., the President will meet with his science advisor that he had previously ignored, and once they bury the hatchet on a decades-old romantic rivalry, the science advisor will recommend an incredibly risky far-fetched plan to kill the monster. The Defense Secretary will object, the President will silence him with the motion of his hand, and then ask the Secret Service to escort the Secretary out. The President will then turn to his science advisor and say, let's do it. At approximately 2 p.m. after a cross-section of Americans of every race, religion, and age come together to pray and comfort each other, the science advisor's plan will be put into action. And at first, it will appear to have no effect on the monster, but at 2 10 p.m., it will become clear that the monster is weakening until it finally dies two minutes later in a fireball at 2 12 p.m. At 2 30 p.m., the President and the science advisor will shake hands in an emotionally charged moment, and the science advisor's estranged wife, who miraculously survived the attack in Manhattan, will realize she never stopped loving him.
And then two summers from now, the President will repeat the schedule, but with better production values and shittier writing. |
cracked | 6_things_you_do_every_day_that_have_horrifying_consequences | Hello, Internet patron! Good news! You're a terrible person. Yep, even you, guy who cuts up his six-pack rings and cleans out his whole food containers before recycling them. And you, lady, who donates to charities and participates in walks for cancer. I'm sorry, what's that?
She also writes public transportation. And she only buys locally grown produce from the farmer's market.
Probably made by a child in some foreign country. We're all terrible people because the truth is it's hard not to be. Just living in a developed country means that you're already complicit in some pretty dubious shit. And I know it doesn't feel like you're a bad person because you do so many other great things. But see, that's because your sense of being a good person is all about proximity. In a town or a city like yours, being a good person means that you don't throw trash out your car window and you tip well. It's that easy. But if you had to go to a third world country and just explain your daily routine to people, you would sound like a monster.
Imagine telling people without electricity or food or anything, yeah, at home I have this bowl of gallons of clean water. And each morning I shit in it. I just shit right in it. Ruin all that water. I just prefer it clean, that's all. Then I get rid of all that dirty water and I fill it again with more clean water in case I find a bug in my apartment.
You'd also have to tell them about showers. I mean, I'm sure they know what showers are, but you'd have to tell them how you shower.
You'd have to explain that you stand under clean, hot water and just let it wash over you for a fraction of a second before it disappears down a drain forever. Most of it doesn't even touch you. It just travels the distance from up here to down there and it's ruined. You just stand under it, letting it pour around you for about 20 minutes at a time, just masturbating.
Those people would be outraged. They are tyrannical dictators who would be shocked and horrified by what you do every single day.
Now, I'm not telling you this just to make you feel bad. If anything, this should be inspiring because it also means that all those smug, self-righteous people you encounter every day, the guy who blends his wheatgrass in the office, the woman who won't stop posting to Facebook about how she loves to volunteer, teaching deaf kids birdcalls or whatever, they all suck. It could be a lot harder than you. In fact, science, back me up. It's a thing called moral balancing. It's something that we all do. For every good deed that you do, you subconsciously give yourself permission to be an asshole in some other quadrant of your life. And the more good you do, the more you pat yourself on the back and agree that, yeah, now that you think about it, you deserve that SUV with the baby seal interior. After all, you did that beach clean last year.
So the next time someone gets up on their high horse to belittle you for your life choices, remember that there are no prize either. For starters, they're sitting on a high horse like it's a chair and not a goddamn animal. You don't see a lot of those running around the wild anymore, do you? They all seem to belong to somebody, their own captivity. Probably endangered. Oh, man, that is sad.
Every muscle, every blood vessel has desire and pressure built up in his... You know what, I'll read this whole thing to you if you subscribe. It's a romance novel. There's a lot of good stuff in here. I would give you the whole package. That's euphemism for a dick. |
dropout | hardly_working_drawing_board_all_nighter_2012 | Guys, we still have to make more videos. Dan, any ideas?
Okay, so, you know how Cheetos turn your fingers orange? Like, what if other foods did that too? So, like, I'm eating a banana, and I'm like, YIKERS, MANERS TURN MY FINGIES YELLER!
Back to the drawing board, Dan. Sam, please, I said back to the drawing board.
He's gonna love you, boyo! He's gonna love you, conscious, boyo!
What have we here? He's a writer with no ideas, sir. Yeah, Sam told him to come back to the drawing board. Well, let's just see if the drawing board can pull an idea from his thick scarf. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Sorry, I wanted, like, you know, a new car smell. So, what if a guy gets in a new car, but it smells like new sneakers, and he's like, You got your new smells mixed up.
I'm afraid that's not funny enough. You're a witch. I don't think he lost that one, man. Oh, so he already lost. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay, wait, so it's a guy in a bathroom and he's peeing in a urinal, but then another guy comes up and he's like, I'm gonna pee on your butt. We don't work blue unless you've earned it. I have to purify your comedy soul. I pushed it, I pushed it. Let's see if our writer writes better under pressure. That was a pun. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Julu, Jewish hulu. Upon, I like it.
Really? No! There's no juice in comedy.
You want to watch that rubbish, mate? Wait, listen to me. Mr. Driver's Head, a horse driving instructor. Mr. Driver's Head, how? Now, surrender your body to the comedy gods. Hark, witch! He's going to say something.
Law and odor, silent but deadly unit. Law and odor, silent but...
I want that. I like it because it's two things that I know about but I haven't thought of them together like that. It looks like the drawing board has produced yet another great idea. Go forth and create your comedy sketch. There, witch.
Once the gnarly beef wind entered his nose, it was all over. His body went into anaphylactic shock. Beans, beans aren't always good for your heart. |
TheOnion | Study_Finds_Earth_Located_In_Lamest_Part_Of_Universe | For ages, scientists have associated the Earth's cosmic location with a wide spectrum of interstellar phenomena. But a study from the International Astronomical Union says that not only is the Earth far from the most interesting part of the cosmos, but is in fact located in the lamest, least awesome part of the universe. We're billions of light years away from any supermassive black holes, interstellar explosions, or really anything even moderately cool. Our nebula just sucks so hard in comparison to some of the things out there. Researchers say that not only is the planet Earth and its solar system, quote, basically the most boring region of the entire fucking universe, but a number of irregularly shaped galaxies illuminated in the Hubble Ultra Deep Field prove to be infinitely cooler than any of the weak-ass, boring-as-shit phenomena occurring in the Milky Way.
I mean, there's a black hole out there that weighs 21 billion solar masses, and it's 336 million light years away. Our black hole, it couldn't tear a mid-sized star apart.
We're the cosmic equivalent of a fucking cul-de-sac. Scientists say that for now, humanity can only hope that future generations of space travel will eventually uncover a part of space at least as sucky as ours. |
dropout | just_let_the_world_die | Here's the object on the Carlsbad telescope from 2.30 this morning. Based on this and infrared imaging, we believe that the impact will do... Impact? You're saying this thing's going to hit us? Oh yes sir.
This is what we call an extinction level event. If we do nothing, then on March 3rd, an asteroid the size of Texas is going to slam into the Pacific Ocean. It'll create a tsunami three miles high, moving at the speed of sound. The debris from the impact will block the atmosphere, effectively cutting off the sun for a better part of 20 years. If we do nothing, this is the end of the world.
Great. I'm sorry? That's fucking great.
Let's wrap this thing up, huh? Sir, we've developed a plan to send 12 of the world's best bomb makers to the asteroid. What? No, no, no, no. Let's just call it. I mean, Earth had a great run, but it's about over.
You know what I mean? Am I right? Right. Yes.
It's the end of the world. Why would you want that?
Trump. Yes. Fucking Trump. I mean, it's not just Trump. It's mostly Trump.
It's a bunch of things. Things have been really shitty for a while now.
I mean, when I got this news, I honestly thought, whew. You want to go get some fancy scotch before it all gets asteroided? Sure. I want to do heroin. Yes. Whoa. I want to party with this girl. Now listen.
We have a plan. Now let's say this coffee cake is Earth, and this muffin is the asteroid. Now we're going to take nukes from Earth. Okay. I'm going to stop you there because I don't think you see my point, all right? Now let's say this coffee cake is Earth, and this glass of water is the slow buildup of manmade carbon in the atmosphere.
This tomato juice is the feeling of disappointing their kids. Ooh, whee. That salad over there, that's how disappointing Westworld was.
These staples, that's the EU falling apart. The sock I just took off, that's people hanging out without you. This straight pube, that's United Airlines.
What's Facebook arguments? This iBooker is Facebook arguments, and all this broken glass, that's knowing that despite all of our hopes, myths, and prayers, all of our lives, on a cosmic sense, are meaningless.
Now this trash can is the asteroid, okay? Now we could eat this coffee cake, or we could just, you know, so just fuck it.
Look at it this way. It's a redo. Bacteria will survive. It'll work itself out. He's right, sir. In about 500 million years, there could be people again. That's nice, actually. And maybe they won't fuck it up with capitalism and student films.
Think about how cool it will look when that thing hits. I mean, like, whoa. I could watch it come in on my telescope. I could watch it.
And tell Tad Willard, I always thought he was a douche. You confront all the douches, I'll finally confront my father.
We all will. Oh, good, good, finally. Sir, they just released a trailer for the new Star Wars movie? I got to see this.
Launch the shuttles.
I just want to watch you sleep. I just want to stay awake while you're unconscious.
I don't see what's wrong with that. Hey, it's Graham from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
Sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out?
Because I can see the top of the camera, so it's...
Is this better? All right. It feels worse. Okay. Thanks for watching.
These staples, that's the EU falling apart. The sock I just took off, that's people hanging out without you. This stray pube, that's United Airlines.
What's Facebook arguments? This iBooker is Facebook arguments, and all this broken glass, that's knowing that despite all of our hopes, myths, and prayers, all of our lives, on a cosmic sense, are meaningless.
Now, this trash can is the asteroid, okay? Now we could eat this coffee cake, or we could just, you know... So just fuck it.
Look at it this way. It's a redo. Bacteria will survive. It'll work itself out. He's right, sir. In about 500 million years, there could be people again. That's nice, actually. And maybe they won't fuck it up with capitalism and student films.
Think about how cool it will look when that thing hits. I mean, like, whoa. I could watch it come in on my telescope. Yes, you could.
And tell Tad Willard, I always thought he was a douche. You confront all the douches, I'll finally confront my father.
We all will. Yeah. Oh, good, good. Finally, finally.
Sir, they just released a trailer for the new Star Wars movie? I gotta see this.
Launch the shuttles.
I just wanna watch you sleep. I just wanna stay awake while you're unconscious.
I don't see what's wrong with that. Hey, it's Grant from College Humor.
Click here to subscribe to the channel. Click here for more fun stuff.
Sorry, guys, it feels like I'm out. Am I out? Because I can see the top of the camera, so it's... Is this better? All right, it feels worse. Okay, thanks for watching. |
TheOnion | Boston_Globe_Tailors_Print_Edition_For_Three_Remaining_Subscribers | Boston Globe subscribers may notice a few changes this morning. The paper has revamped its print edition to better appeal to its three remaining readers. Michael Fisher of Boston, Camille Kresge of the nearby suburb of Quincy, and Buddy, the sole reader of the Adams Street Boston Public Library subscription. At a press conference today, the Globe's managing editor, Tom McNally, heralded the paper's new focus.
Mr. McNally joins us now. Welcome, Tom. Hi, Andrea. How are you? Okay, now, Tom, what prompted this redesign?
Well, with all the news websites available, newspapers have to identify their audience and aggressively work to keep them. Sure. In our case, it's a sales manager, a retired school teacher, and a homeless man who lives behind the library and goes in occasionally to defecate and read. Okay, how are these changes going to affect the way the Globe actually reports the news, though, Tom? Well, we'll be bringing our readers the same high-quality news we always have, just more focused on the five or six topics that interest them. All right, let's take a look here now at specifics. For example, today's international section has no mention of the recent violence in Pakistan but does feature a full-page article on Scotland. Yes, our research shows that Scotland is extremely popular among Camille, who's looking to travel more following her recent divorce. Well, that also might explain the special investigative report on dating in your 60s in the U.S., then. Yes, our two remaining reporters worked for weeks on that piece.
Oh, I see. We also made the paper smaller. That way, it was easier for Michael to read it on the train. Okay. But he's not going to be thrilled about it. Oh, no? I know he liked the way the big pages covered his lap while he masturbated at the library's computers. Sure. But, you know, we think the new jumble will make up for that. Yeah, it sounds like it. Now, I understand that you yourself are taking a more hands-on roll of the paper, personally writing the review of I Am Legend in today's arts section. Well, yes, that movie's next in Michael's Netflix queue.
Okay, now, you're not the only paper to make changes to attract readers. Last month, the Chicago Tribune switched to an all Beyonce photos and coupon format. And also just last week, the Washington Post began printing their newspaper on hot fluffy pancakes and delivering it to subscribers every morning with a side of bacon. Look, the Washington Post has 35 subscribers. Obviously, we'd love to have those numbers, but we have lots of other plans to increase circulation. For instance, Newton High School's putting on a production of Andy that might need a prop newspaper, so we could easily sell one copy there.
Okay. Thank you so much for being here, Mr. McNally. Thank you.
Next up in science news, new evidence is challenging traditional views on which is the most awesome dinosaur. |
cracked | 3_jobs_that_crowdsourcing_is_making_obsolete_today_s_topic | And another one You're welcome science. You're not working on work. Are you I'm doing more important work than you could possibly imagine.
I'm looking for scallops Follow-up question. Do you listen to the things that you say seriously?
I'm part of this crowdsourcing network that's mapping the ocean floor and if I click over to here I am part of a network that is mapping the stars in the sky and you're getting paid for that while getting paid for this There's a sheet metal worker somewhere crying right now Yeah, but isn't there always my payment is knowing that I'm advancing the knowledge of humankind Oh, so you're mapping stuff for free? Didn't they used to be a paid job for a real scientist? Yes, but now they can crowdsource and utilize the full potential of humanity scallop It's a diaper.
So you're stealing someone's job. No, man. It's crowdsourcing Is it possible that that's just a recently invented term to describe doing work for free? No Companies do it all the time. It's a completely legitimate and awesome thing. I'm doing a lot of jobs. Are you stealing?
It's not Okay, you're the game spore. No There's a game called spore and in it. I make my little alien guy I design him using the mechanics of the game not some designer me I made it and that populates my planet later on in the game I go to whole other planets where players have created the species for that planet instead of someone having to come up with all this Stuff we just share our own creatures within the game swap them around. So you have to create your own characters in the game This is a game that you paid for right? This is a game that you bought and then put you to work creating the game So the company could turn around and use that as a selling point for more copies of the game.
Yeah, super fun My guy looks like Homer Simpson. That's not the point historically speaking There has been someone whose job it was to design characters for game design companies And now you're doing that job for him for free presumably Not as well as someone who spent their entire life studying game design. My guy. It really looks like Homer Simpson Okay, but you see what's happening here, right?
The money that a CEO for a game company would ordinarily spend on an employee He's now pocketing because of your Homer Simpson alien There is an oceanographer who probably shot himself in the head because of your damn crowd sourcing ocean mapper. It took his livelihood That's sad ocean guy crowd sourcing is doing some otherwise incredibly difficult and time-consuming things All right. There aren't like too many astronomers mapping the night sky This wouldn't get done otherwise and I'm sorry But humanity's general store of knowledge is more important to me than some sad ocean floor mapper who shot himself in the head Will you still stay true to that when it's your own stupid job that's on the line?
Like if we started crowdsourcing stuff or cracked Exactly like we do in the forums already. That's different How that column you're working on about the pesh mode you needed facts for six people have spent their time Googling and sending you links that you can use. They're not getting paid Some of these are really good Paste Publish my column is done.
Do you want to get drinks? No, I gotta map the ocean floor Hi, thanks for watching that video Please don't subscribe because apparently if we get too many subscribers, I have to take my shirt off I thought it was a joke, but apparently they're completely serious. Take up your shirt sword I don't I don't want to take my shirt. I don't I'm a human being |
dropout | Talent_Show_For_Howie_Mandel_Game_Changer_Battle_Royale_Clip | Please welcome back to the stage our voted-off players. Adam Conover, Ify Wadiwe, Izzy Rowland, and Rekha Shankar. Now, players, I'm a big believer in second chances, and so I'm going to give one of you the opportunity to come back into the competition.
We are going to have a little talent show. Call it a talent showdown. If you could please stand, and Nico and Ash, if you could bring out the accoutrement, here's how it's going to work. Each of you taking turns is going to have 30 seconds to show off a talent. It could be anything. Singing, dancing, a party trick, stand-up comedy, or something using one of the objects you see before you. Anything so long as it's at all entertaining if you no longer have a talent to share. You are out. Any questions before we get started? Are you judging the talents based on the quality of the performance? You know what I just realized? I'm far too big a fan of all of you to be able to decide objectively what's entertaining and what's not. I'm going to have to bring in a professional.
Ah! I was joking. I was whispering your name under my breath as a bit. I heard you.
Holy shit. Truthfully, and I know this is going to seem insane, I feel like I casted a spell as if it were Beetlejuice. So pleased to have someone like you raise the pedigree of our show. Oh my gosh. This is so exciting.
Is this for me? That's for you. Okay. Howie. Yes. Here is your paddle. Wow. I like hermetically sealed paddle. So there's an X or a check. That's right. Now, Reiko, once we say go, we're going. So I hope you're ready.
What the fuck? Why am I first? This was a random order.
This is so exciting. And go. Give me a topic about anything and I'll make a pun.
Socks. Socks? Well, actually I eat socks because it's sulfine.
Yeah. It's not very good for my tongue though. Oh. This is a really awkward relationship. I hope we can patch it up. This is a Hanes' performance. God. I hope you don't watch this on the boob tube. Tube socks.
I get it. I saw what you were doing there. Did you see what I'm saying? No, I saw what she's doing. God, it sucks to be me right now because I- It sucks to be you. You know what I'm saying?
What do you think Howie? Oh, I'm giving her a, because the fact that you just off the, it's amazing. Thank you so much. You don't see a lot of sock humor. I think there's some America's Got Talent in your future. Izzy, go.
Did you break something? No. What? He's hot.
Oh.
Check. That earns the check. Izzy, with a record breaking five seconds. That's dyslexic twerking. It's upside down. You don't see that. Iffy. All right. I think I'm gonna just take this opportunity to one up Izzy for you.
Oh my. Oh. Whoa, whoa. Oh. Whoa. Oh.
There's electronics flying out. Did you just crap at a microphone?
Okay. All right.
I'll get the check. Check. That's a check.
I don't know. I wish I could whistle because I'd love to whistle while you twerk. Add up. All right. The hardest standup crowd I've ever done.
You know, my friend was telling me he wasn't sure he wanted to get it because he read on the internet, it could change your DNA. I know I had to tell him it's not true, but also dude, why are you so intent on keeping your DNA?
I like that. Hold for the laugh. Thank you. But think about it, man.
You're ugly. You're balding.
Yeah. You're stupid enough to think a vaccine could change your DNA. If I were you, I'd just re-roll them dice. You know what I mean? Treat it like a new Dungeons and Dragons character. See what you get.
I liked it. And the fact that you were able to go on even if the mic is not plugged in. That's a check Mark. Oh my God. I've been doing standup comedy for 15 years.
If I got an X, that would fucking suck. It would suck, but not suck.
Jake. Oh, and here's the guy who whispers my name.
It's your go. I went to Juilliard for seven years. Is that true? Yeah, it is. So I'm going to play a little jazz for you, if that's cool. It is cool. Can you find my tempo? Wow, fast.
I don't know what's about to happen. I don't know. I think it's already happened.
Pfft.
You can't have it. You can't sound it.
Wow. You're like Kilometer Davis, which is like Miles, but I'm Canadian. Yeah. That's funny. Wow. Howie says it's good. You can't tell.
They are now. You should be so proud. Look what they did. Look at their alumnus. Keep the talent coming. Absolutely happy for you, anything.
Break up. Can I sing something that you can't use? You want to do something that can't be used. You know why? No, let's just say it was done and I didn't enjoy it.
No. Howie. Oh, no. No. No.
Is that eliminated? Did I not save you some post? You sure did. You can't save post.
I will sing a fully copyrighted song. I will give you the opportunity to sing the song.
Go ahead. Why are you turning around? It's t***. Can I be honest with you? It's awesome.
Nope. Well, Howie, we ran out of my talents, but thank you so much.
Told ya.
Thank you for your time. I appreciate your time. Izzy.
I have a question. How complicated is this game? It's not that complicated.
And if we sing a song that potentially is not available to be purchased online, what about that? Not available to be purchased? Yeah. I really only was able to ever get it via LimeWire. Nothing makes a show just sale than questions about copyright infringement.
People are going to go, did you see the episode of Game Changer where I don't know what happened, but we learned a lot. Izzy. Whatever you want to do, the floor is yours.
Why you coming home five in the morning? Something's going on, can I smell your d***? You play me like a fool, but that ain't cool. So what you need to do is let me smell your d***. Why you coming home five in the morning? Something's going on, can I smell your d***?
I'm going to cut you off there, Izzy. I actually liked it and I liked it. Izzy, you're moving on.
Just a little something for the kids. Ify, the floor is yours. Yeah, we're going to do some more stand up. How's it going, everyone?
You may know me as Ify, but my name is short for Ify Shikude Ijeoma Mwadiwe. That's because my dad comes from a place called Nigeria and decided to name me that even though his name is Chris Wadiwe. And you know, when I asked him about it, he was like, Ify, Ify, I did this because everyone in Nigeria has a name like this and I just wanted to bring it to America. And then I went to Nigeria and met my cousins, Barbara, Michael, and my cousin Tupac.
So, if he's sailing right through. Ify, are you a stand up? Yeah, yeah. You're funny, buddy. Oh, thank you.
I got to check too. I got to check.
That's your go. Okay, I am a mixed media artist. Oh, I need time for it to stick. Oh, well, you have 30 seconds, Adam. Oh, fuck.
Oh, and a second one? And a second one. And a second one?
Okay, well, here's the idea. Wow. You're going for this. Balls against the wall. This is your... Oh. Fuck.
What's the design? Show me the whole design. Here's the whole design.
You think it's worth the wait? This is your reaction to my ex.
See, look, it's a smiley face. It's a big smiley face. It's a smiley face.
Fuck. Oh, oh. Normally I have better materials to work with. You know what that is? What? It is arts and crap. Oh. Howie. Damn. And Jake. Oh.
More music. Juilliard. Hashtag Juilliard.
I present to you, a pratfall. Whoa. I was gonna play that. What the hell? Well, you're not gonna play that. This is like being at a crazy Gallagher concert. My God. Okay, all right. I'm just scared.
I feel like Howie might've felt threatened into that check, but it did still count. A check's a check.
Are you hurt? No, I studied at Juilliard for seven years. Music, clowning. Oh, look. Izzy, that's your go. It's 2007.
There's a woman named Jill Zarin living in Manhattan. She's approached by a production studio in New York City and by a man named Andy Cohen to star in a series called Manhattan Moms. She is told to bring together a group of Manhattan socialites all in the upper middle class or 1% of New York City. She brings together Bethany Frankel, Luann de Lesseps, Ramona Singer, and Kelly Bensimon in season two. And that franchise is not Manhattan Moms, but moves on to be The Real Housewives of New York City, which premieres in 2007, becoming the first show to franchise the Real Housewives series.
Who doesn't like Wikipedia?
Oh! Izzy's knowledge of the Real Housewives sending her through. She's the living Google. Ify, that's you. Oh, no. Oh, God. This mother.
Don't worry. I'm not gonna be juggling. When somebody's coming at you with two machetes, the two words you don't wanna hear is don't worry.
This is, I'm actually gonna be doing a scene out of Black Panther. Oh, holy shit! It's Ify! My name Killmonger. I found my daddy with panther claws in his chest. And I'm ready to take the crown, because it's mine. Oh, wow, Ify.
Again, sort of threatened into the chest. Fear, fear. Yes, a strong motivator. Okay, let's keep going. Jake. At Julliard, one of the most important skills that they teach you is active listening.
I just love to just hear what's been bothering you. Is there anything on your mind that's kind of causing stress or pressure? This episode. This is really stressing you out?
But I like it. Therapy is my life. You know, my soapbox is mental health. And I took therapy off today to come here and do this.
So, thank you. If you have anything else to say, I'm happy to listen. I'll see you again next Thursday. That is 30 seconds and he likes it!
I do, therapy is good for everybody. Absolutely. You can't judge how good therapy is.
Izzy. Wordless. How can you not? Wow! Izzy! I think that Izzy is winning for efficiency if he- Well, that was simple, yet- Effective.
No, there's no other word. Oh, there's no other word.
Got it, yeah. All right, I'm trying freestyle right now because look, I was on the green. I was on the game.
Okay, you know what, there's a lot of- Oh no! No, I gotta say, he was freestyling with mucus. I don't know if you can see it at home. I'm so sorry. And then there was two.
Yes, Info Wars.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have read the new scripts that have given me ancient ideas and superior technology. It has the cantrips that will give us all the answers that we need.
This book is Goodnight, Moon. Goodnight, Moon. Goodnight, phone. It's funny. Goodnight, clouds.
Whoa, sail it through! Izzy. Uh-oh. Oh no. Izzy dribbling a basketball with her private parts. Will it be enough to send her through? I think that's what we call in the hood the coochie crossover. Woo! Wow, vaginal dribbling. You don't know what I have. Woo! Okay. Howie, what do you say? An incredible basketball player. Izzy, sail it through! Jake. Oh, he's going for... Oh, okay. Why do we... It's all about the build-up. What are you calling this? I'm calling it the big belly boogaloo. Ooh. Ooh-ee-oh, ooh-ee-oh, ooh-ee-oh, ooh-ee-oh, ooh-ee-oh. You know, I love everything you did up until now, but you know what? That is an average Jake. And Izzy is back in the game. Howie. What?
Thank you so goddamn much. It's my pleasure. It's a round of applause for Howie, everybody. |
TheOnion | New_Google_Phone_Service_Whispers_Targeted_Ads_Directly_Into_Users_Ears | The Google phone is slashing monthly fees thanks to an ad-supported service that whispers ads right into your ear. Jeff Tate has more. Thanks, Glenn. At a shareholders meeting yesterday, Google announced steep price cuts made possible by a revolutionary new voice recognition software that can detect keywords in users' conversations and verbally suggest related products and services on the spot.
So, Satra, where do you want to go for lunch? Well, Jen, there are some great restaurants in my neighborhood. Hungry, Sunny's Barbecue, the best place to grab comfort food, hundreds of locations nationwide.
That sounds good. Let's go there. That sounds great.
Automated whispered advertising will allow us to offer the world's best smartphones nearly for free. Users won't even remember a time when they didn't have a second voice whispering in their ear. Tech publication reviews have, indeed, been enthusiastic.
Hello? Hey, Mom. Mother's Day gifts, plants, chocolate, sex...
It's not even my Google phone. It's fairly costing me a thing. Google also will be further offsetting consumer costs with ad-based ringtones. Google has preloaded dozens of new applications into the phone, including a GPS system that gives directions to sponsor businesses...
There's a Dunkin' Donuts in .6 miles. Let's go. Come on. Let's go to Dunkin' Donuts. ...as well as state-of-the-art camera software with subtle advertising imagery.
Critics, however, are decrying the ad system as a possible safety concern, pointing to a recent 911 call placed by a beta tester of the Google phone service. I just, I don't know what happened. I just crashed my car. I just get it off the road. In the car, Toyota Tacoma starting at under $16,000.
Sir, hello? Sir, I'm sorry. I can't understand you. Hello? Can you hear me? Can you calm down? My wife is here, but she's not moving. Take her on the vacation of her dreams. Sir? Romantic getaways at dreamresorts.com. Can you please repeat that? Hello? Sir, I need you to speak up.
Google has promised to resolve the issue in upgrades. In the meantime, Google is testing out cost-cutting software that will make it possible for your phone to call members of your contact list and mimic your voice while advertising products. Here's a sneak preview of what my friends would hear. Hello? Hey, just wanted to say hi and tell Jobs e-mail to you. Sign up and find your dream job. For TechTrends, I'm the real Jeff Tate. Yahoo has also announced plans to enter the smartphone market. The Y-Phone, which will license current Google phone software, is expected to be out in three to four years. Coming up next, a new state quarter has revealed a previously unknown state. |
TheOnion | A_Friend_s_Cancer_Good_For_Your_Health | Having a friend with cancer may be beneficial to your health. A new study finds 85% of people with friends battling cancer take up marathon running, charity softball, or long-distance cycling. The U.S. Surgeon General is now recommending that all Americans get close to a cancer patient, like Steve Baylor of Carbondale, Illinois.
I used to smoke a pack a day and watch five hours of TV. And when I found out about the stomach cancer, I did a walk for cancer, and that was great. And since then I've done a 5K run, a 10K run, and actually last week I finished my first marathon for cancer. Changes in my own health have been like night and day. You know, I've lost the beer gut, my miles are down to six minutes. I'm in the best shape of my life. You lost so much weight now.
For all Americans out there concerned about their weight and getting in shape, I would say find a buddy with cancer. The more a patient deteriorates, the more their friends adhere to their new health regimen. After dawn passes, I'd really like to find somebody with leukemia. I know they do a swim. The Surgeon General urges those who have adopted the healthier lifestyles to keep them up after their friends die. |
dropout | Every_Sketch_In_The_Trapp_Killed_Pat_Saga | This is a nice office. You don't expect something like this to happen here.
Yeah, we're all still pretty shaken up about it. There are still so many unanswered questions in this case. Who killed Pat? Why?
Where is this documentary going to be distributed? HBO? Netflix? How famous is this going to make me? These are the questions that just fly around in my brain and it's baffling.
Pretty sure Trapp killed Pat. Did you kill Pat?
That's the real question, isn't it? The only way we can know for sure is to watch the show. What show? This one? The one we're making? Yeah, it's such a mystery.
I can already hear people saying, oh, are you watching Trapped in Darkness? And then other people say, no, I've been meaning to. And then the first people say, it gets crazy, you have to watch it. And then like six weeks later they watch it and they agree it's really good.
Trapp was getting into a lot of trouble right before Pat died. The serial one is especially weird since it's not something you can watch, but somehow Trapp did. True Crime's enjoying a lot of popularity right now and I can't think of a better way to get the public's attention.
For Pat? Oh yeah, of course. Yes, for Pat. Yeah, obviously.
Yeah, it was real terrible what happened to him. I made the 911 call, okay? And the police didn't do anything. 911, what is your emergency? My friend is, oh God, I think he's dead.
Where are you? Right? And who did this?
And will they get away with it? What's going to happen? Does this sound like something you would watch? Sir, it is illegal to prank call 911. I'm hanging up. This is a miscarriage of justice. People are going to love it. Just looking for justice.
How is it that a young, talented comedian could just be forgotten? And also the Pat thing. So you were talking about yourself in the first part of this? Yeah, but then also Pat.
Who do you think killed Pat? Um, I've only been working here like half a day, but Trapp, definitely. Trapp killed Pat. Trapp definitely killed Pat.
It's obvious. I don't know why we're still pursuing it. You're just stretching this out. That's what she's doing. She's just stretching it out. Don't linger on her. Was I stretching this story out? Clearly all the evidence is pointing to one answer. And yet, I don't know, I kind of felt like I should keep this going.
Maybe the story wasn't about Pat or Trapp. Instead, the story was about me. No, no, no, the story is about Pat and Trapp. Sure, it seemed like Trapp killed Pat, but maybe that was because I was withholding a key piece of evidence for dramatic effect. Maybe Mike Trapp didn't do it.
Next week on Trapped in Darkness, I find a clue from out of fucking nowhere that blows this case wide open. No way. Please don't write me out of the show! Please! I'm important! Or was he?
Bless you. Thank you. Bless you again. Thank you.
Okay, enough already. You heard that?
Oh yeah, these are just cosmetic. They make my head look thinner.
All right, shut up, Cynthia. We're on a deadline. I can't help it. You're not getting any more of our blessings. Allergies! You're a complete distraction. Stop it!
One more and we get her. Pineapple, pineapple, pineapple! It worked! Come on! Get her, guys!
Oh, you think you can just sneeze more than four times in an office? In our office?
Friends, I've stopped! I've stopped sneezing!
We'll see about that. It won't stop her from sneezing, but it will be annoying more. Finisher. See you later. It's ironic! Oh, sorry. Who's there? I only hear laughter and sneezes from my office, and I haven't heard any laughter today. It's involuntary. One, two sneezes, sure. Three, four, frowned upon. After that, you're just a terrorist to goodwill and productivity. Someone microwaving fish? Oh yeah, that was me. Sorry, guys. Get him.
Hey everybody, uh, Sam Reich here, head of video for College Humor. I don't normally appear in front of the camera, but given the recent deaths of some of our cast and crew, it felt important to try to find some official way to say goodbye. So, I now present to you an in memoriam. Please enjoy, if you can.
I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was. To catch them is my real test, to train them is my cause. I will travel across the land, searching far and wide. Each Pokemon to understand the power that's inside. Pokemon, it's you and me. I know it's my destiny. Pokemon, oh, you're my best friend in a world we must defend. Pokemon, our heart's so true. Our courage will pull us through. You teach me and I'll teach you.
Pokemon, gotta catch them all. Gotta catch them all.
They will be dearly missed.
Bulbasaur? A Bulbasaur!
Everyone's dead. I remembered it as soon as I said it.
Hey! What are you doing here?
No, I just, I'm going for a walk. It's so funny running into you. I know, I never run into people I know.
Yeah. Siobhan? Oh, hey guys. Siobhan! You guys hanging? No, we just ran into each other and now we ran into you. Yeah.
That's crazy. It's really crazy.
I know. What do we do now? Do we hang out or something? Cynthia? What? Oh, hey! Hey! How does this keep happening? What's going on? I was just gonna go check on where I buried Pat's body and then I just ran into Zach and Siobhan. Cool. Something's off, right? Hey!
Look at this, isn't this a fun? This is a fun. This is wild, you know?
Something's wrong. This would never keep happening.
Shane!
It's like someone is setting something up. Zach! It's me, your freshman year roommate. And me, your sophomore year roommate. No, we gotta get out of here. Hey, Zach! It's all your friends! Wow! So it's like people you specifically know? This is all wrong. Zach, is that your parents? Hey!
No, no, no! That's it! We all have to get out of here right now! This is bad! No, no, no, no!
This is what you wanted to show us? Shouldn't we be looking for Pat? We are! Siobhan can help us. How?
She's just sitting there.
Siobhan, do you know where Pat is? Pat.
Wait a minute. What year is it? What are you talking about, you dork? It's 1983. It said so in the intro. Yeah! But these D&D figurines weren't manufactured until 1984. Are you saying we time traveled?
I don't know what I'm saying. Something isn't right. Who cares? Let's focus on Finding Pat! What's going on? He's trying to communicate with us. Whoa. Wait, this is a clip from the movie The Thing, which didn't come out on VHS until 1984. Seriously?
Then maybe it's 1984. Sure. No, because all the right moves just came out in theaters, which is definitely from 1983. Seriously, man, it's fine. It's 80s. It's fun. Don't nitpick it. It's close enough. Just focus on what's important.
Finding Pat! Siobhan? Zack? It's Pat!
Wait, this is a TRC-214. This walkie-talkie wasn't released until 1985.
Seriously? What does it mean? It doesn't mean anything. It's just a really small anachronism. Or maybe we punched a hole through the space-time continuum. No, no, no, think about it.
Would you really be excited to get an Atari for Christmas? Sure. No, these came out six years ago. That's late 70s. If they were really 1983, you'd want a Commodore 64.
I guess. Thank you. Yes, good point. Oh no, he must have been attacked.
He needs CPR. Give him 30 chest compressions and two rescue breaths. Oh wait, before 2005, the standard was 15 chest compressions.
Start now. Just start any of them.
So there's a tower. And it's on its side, like a bridge. And it's underground. And people go through it.
And when they come out, they're in a furniture store. And there's a salesman, or a doctor. OK, sorry. Your idea is to prank people with a tunnel that always goes to furniture stores? They don't know what kind of store it is. They all think that they're in a hospital.
OK, great. Shut up. Sorry.
OK, so apparently someone has started an at Rogue CH writer Twitter account. And they're tweeting out inside information about the company.
Moments ago, Grant pitches another failure of an idea. No one knows what's happening anymore. There are couches everywhere in the store. And from 30 minutes ago, Katie is bringing her lunch to work. She thinks the snacks here are bad. It's a fiasco here. What is the picture?
I just like bringing my lunch. And I don't love the snacks.
It's not a big deal. Well, I would hope that whoever is doing this would feel comfortable airing their complaints out in the open instead of tweeting behind people's backs. I mean, it's pretty sensationalist. And frankly, I don't see that it's helping anything. OK, another tweet from just now. Still really hung up on that Grant idea, a magic tunnel to furniture? College Humor is a sinking ship. I'm not explaining myself well.
Zach, is it you? Yeah, what are you doing? Why is your thumb so busy?
OK, again, one from right now. The brass is cracking down. Have to lay low for a bit. Not sure when I can come back. OK, Zach, just stop. All right?
This isn't news. Nobody cares about us. OK, another one. King shit telling us what we can and can't tell the public about. Bombs are raining down. I'm brave for reporting this.
What does King shit mean? There are couches everywhere. Shut the fuck up. What does King shit mean?
Wow, we are officially going backwards. OK, that's not what I meant.
Trapp murdered Pat. This place is a nightmare.
OK, that's old news. That's old news, everyone.
And it was never proven. Trapp, you seem really nervous. I probably didn't kill Pat. Why do you say probably? I didn't kill Pat, probably, OK, is what I'm saying. You got to get better at answering this.
No, stop spreading rumors, rumors about these things, OK? You know, one more tweet out of you, and you're fired.
So how's that treat everyone? OK, now we can get back to Grant.
Zach, I swear to God, if this is, no, it's another rogue CH writers account. They're going live. Everything here is crazy.
Grant has good ideas, but people don't listen. Furniture is very funny. Grant, let me defend myself. Grant's a moron.
This place is burning to the ground. Zach, get out. Bye, losers.
Hello? Trapp! Ow. So we're agreed. Trapp definitely killed Pat, and we need to call the police. Yes.
Hey, what you talking about? Nothing. Yeah, just boring stuff. Wait a minute.
How tall is Grant? What do you mean? How tall are you?
Like, I feel like if I look at you like this, I can tell that you're clearly taller than everyone else. But sometimes I feel like you and Katie are the same height. You mean how in our videos sometimes they have to frame the camera angle around me? No, I mean like in real life, like right now, Katie even looks like a little bigger than you. He looks pretty tall to me. Wait, is Katie taller than Zach?
I don't know, let's see. Nope. Well now, hold on, that doesn't make any sense. Why not?
Because Katie was taller than you, but then you were taller than Zach, and now Zach is taller than Katie, and now it looks like you're taller than everyone else. I am taller than everyone.
I know that. Like, I know that objectively.
I'm just saying sometimes it looks like you're not. Like, you're way down here now. Maybe it's like a perspective thing. You know, it's like the angle at which you're standing.
Maybe? Uh, okay, can we try this? Can everyone just move apart from each other? Katie, go move next to Grant. Now Zach.
Come on, what the hell? Does this really matter? I mean, who cares how tall Grant is?
Yeah. Oh, I'm losing my mind. Oh, you know what? I've been crouching. Uh, let me just stand up. Oh, okay. Oh. Oh yeah, I'm also crouching, right? Oh, me too.
Oh no, no, no, stop, stop. What is this? No, no, it's just legs. It's just crazy spider legs.
None of this makes any sense. Of course it makes sense. You're looking at it. Grant. How? I don't know.
Zach. Son of a bitch. Okay, Trapp. You're a little too worked up. We're gonna put you away for the day.
What? Oh no, no, no, no, no. You know, I just don't know what got into him. It's called the Star-Spangled Banner. Not O say can you see. No, but really.
Where's Trapp? What? Oh my God, we thought you were dead. Where's Trapp?
At the office. Yeah, man, it's the middle of the work day. Where else would he be? The office. So why are you guys here then?
Oh, it's $3 margaritas.
I don't have any fingers. He is the first president in modern history to have zero political or military experience and he has no interest in helping the disenfranchised.
Raph, how do you feel about this? You must be more concerned than all of us. Yeah, that's a really good question. Well, I mean, obviously I have cause for concern, right?
But my parents are a lot worse, so I still have hope. That is such a positive outlook, but all I feel is outrage. You know, how can we expect to progress as a nation if this is how we're treating our poor? Right, but I mean, I'm not poor.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh my God, that was so rude.
We know we're all rich in our own way. Rich in love.
Nope. Rich blood. Nope. Rich in stamps. Nope.
See, no, I'm not poor. Just because I'm black doesn't mean I'm poor. I'm not racist. Seriously, if anyone's poor, it's me.
Exactly. Same, same. You know, we're not here to judge. Pizza's here. Oh, yes. So hungry.
How do you guys want to pay for this? Split it four ways? Oh yeah, totally. No, there's five of us, so five ways. You would pay if you could, Raph. No need. Seriously, dude. Like get a phone card, call home, or whatever. We work the same job.
I can't talk to you guys anymore. Hey, Trapp. Oh, I'm sorry. I only have a dollar. I hope that's okay. God bless. What is wrong with all of you?
I'm black, not poor. I have a 401k.
Jeez, how slow is that internet? They only have dial-ups?
Is it just like how your neighborhood works? I live a block away from you. It's crazy to think how different things can be just a block away.
I think we'll find that gentrification is a bigger problem than any of us ever realized. Tell me more. Gentrification, now.
These affluent people are coming in, and they're pushing these poor people out of the neighborhood. Just because they think it's kind of cool taking from these people, these families. They're no longer afford to... I mean, that's the thing about the reality of the situation. It's these families, these affluent people, people who have been pushing these poor people out of the neighborhood. It's these people who, they've been there, you know, Cheer up, friend. Things are going to turn around. I'm not poor.
We can all see your toes sticking out of your shoes, dude. These are sandals. Act like you've never seen sandals before.
Now, how did you even get in here? I found this key card.
We don't have to look at that. Forget this, man. I'm going home.
This hobo bindle is a very expensive vitamin urban outfitters. Hey, man, can you lend me a hundred bucks? I'm queer, not rich.
I thought I was dead, didn't you? Mike Trap sure thought I was.
And now I'm heading right for him. In a matter of minutes, I will be... Come on.
Really?
Just traffic is... It's like not even rush hour, and I'm...
I have a thing to do, and I want it... It would be so... Go! So, how much will it cost for you to spill all of CollegeHumor's secrets? Give me a number, and then we'll talk. I like your style. You must not want these secrets. And make me an offer. You're dreaming. Maybe we should just say the number out loud.
Nope. This is procedure. This is how it's always done.
Do you want to use my pen? I like this pen. Now we're cooking with gas. Maybe this will tickle your fancy? You, sir, insult me. Give another piece of paper. It's just this is getting kind of crowded. Oh, yeah. I'll look at you. You have anything?
It's all cash. It's all cash?
I feel like we should just say this out loud. No, no. Okay, we're gonna figure this out. Okay. Aha! Okay, see? This is more my style. Well, that's certainly tempting.
But I can't read this. You can't use a fountain pen on receipt paper. It smudges.
Damn. This is all I can do. Yes, 100%. For sure, we've got a deal. Wait, let me see. Oh, I see.
No, you write it upside down. It's supposed to be this. What? Why would you put all those zeros in the front? Can we just talk? This whole place could be bugged. I am never seeing anybody say the number out loud when they're making these kind of deals, okay? It is simply not done. And that is the kind of standard we are going to uphold here today.
Fine! My final offer. Oh, oh, I'm occurring on my neck. Okay, you should be exercising more. Don't tell me what to do. All I'm saying is this table didn't get any bigger. Okay, enough!
I want secrets. And I want them now.
I am willing to offer this entire case full of cash, more than any other offer I put on the table today. So, what do you say? Wait, no, that's expensive. I bought that at Sharper Image. My final offer. Fine, yes, I'll take it, I'll take it.
Excellent. Now, give me those secrets. Pat Castles used to work here. What? I know. Trap killed him. What? Oh my god! Nobody tells me anything! Looking for Trap? Yeah. Then you might want this.
It's one of the finest weapons ever created. A sword with the revolver attached to the end with some rubber bands. It's sharp enough to cut through a tank and it has like an infinity bullets. The bullets are shotgun shells, except for some that are grenades.
You can also take it on the plane. Cool.
What's going on? I've asked you all to meet me here because somebody in this room got me sick. Yes, one of you. One of us?
Why, that's preposterous. You may not be sick at all. Perhaps you're simply tired or dehydrated. Yes, hydration. It's terribly important. I read an article about it, you know. No, the fact is that I am sick.
All the early warning signs are there. Swollen lymph nodes, headaches, scratchy throat.
The only people I've been around lately are you. Well, piss pot. Why, maybe it was an accident or maybe there's just something going around. These things don't just go around. No, someone got me sick. And justice will be done. You, brevity. You seem quite keen to dismiss this whole thing. Very curious for a man who spent hours breathing in my face on set. How dare you, sirrah? I have never been sick a day in my life. Besides, we all know who got you sick. It was Gruff. Me, sir? Yes, you, sir, where we all saw you hacking and wheezing away yesterday. You misunderstand.
They were my allergies. Your allergies? And what exactly are you allergic to? Why, everything.
My constitution is as weak as my arms. Oh, please, they surely can't be that weak. Oh, but they are. On account of my old age. This is a most convincing story. I can see with my own eyes how old and frail this man is.
Well, I refuse to believe that it is one of us. I mean, perhaps it was your wife, Trapp, or maybe one of those dirty old bus poles. I don't think that...
Aah! Nobody move!
Oh, no! Don't be my lord now. Oh, my god. Someone got Brennan sick! It was Jessica. Gret, no! I can't be silent any longer. Jessica was tweeting yesterday about vomiting. You were ill. Hmm. Jessica, is this true?
No. Was it you? No. Did you get her sick? No. Did you get me sick? No. Did you get Brennan sick? No, no, no! Are you the one? I did not!
I vomited because of ovarian. A very intense workout. And then I vomited again because I was excited. And then I vomited a third time because I saw the first pile of vomit. I vomit literally all the time.
You probably weren't drinking enough water. Water doesn't fix everything.
Well, I don't know. If you'd read this article that I'd read, you might be quite convincing. Well, here's the thing, Siobhan. We're not going to read that article anyway.
You all seem to be forgetting that there's a monster here. A monster in our midst. A monster named Ra- No!
Who, me? Why, I didn't even come into the office yesterday. No, you weren't in the office, were you, Raph? And why was that?
I took a personal day. Can't I take a personal day? You can take a personal day, Raph. But I have seen the personnel calendar and I know for a fact you took a sick day.
No! Yes, it's right here. Plain as paper.
Now, why would you lie about that? Why would you try to hide it? I'll tell you why. It's because you're guilty.
You got me sick. You got Brennan sick.
Blammo! Blammo, I say to you! Case closed! Okay!
I took a sick day! Raph, no! But I wasn't actually sick. I was... hungover. On Wednesday. Don't judge me. Well, I hope you drank plenty of fluids.
God damn it, Siobhan, if you bring up this water theory one more time, I'm going to lose it. Here's the sticky wick-a-doodle-doo if it wasn't Raphael, and who in the blazes was it? Who indeed? This is a most twisted case.
Not Brennan who got sick in this very room. Not Raph, or Grant, or Jessica, whose ailments were not contagious.
Which can only mean... Hello. Slap my tit! It's Siobhan! No! Thank you, Colonel. Wow, what would I do without you? It can't be me. I've been drinking simply bucket loads of water. My God, Siobhan.
There's no crime so low as getting another sick. No victim more undeserving than I. Didn't you kill Pat? Allegedly. In the eyes of the court, in the eyes of America, I definitely did not kill Pat.
Congratulations everyone on your first day here at Chomsky's! Let's get things started with a round of introductions. My name is Bamantha, and I'm the Chomsky's hiring manager. I'm Pat. I'm gonna be head of customer service.
Um, sorry, Bamantha. This is probably totally inappropriate, but Johnny just looked so familiar. He's the guy that started the Deport the Browns website that everyone thought was about deporting the Cleveland Browns, but was actually about deporting brown people.
Oh my God. How did you figure that out? Are you some sort of tech mastermind? What? No, I just googled it.
Did you not do a background check before you hired him? Oh, we did, but no criminal record came up, so we thought... Well, maybe technically nothing was flagged, but I do think somebody's prejudices should absolutely be taken into account during the hiring process, especially in a forward-facing position like PR.
Uh, yes, you are so right. Next time we hire someone, we're getting your tech expertise.
I just googled it. Johnny, I'm so sorry, but I'm gonna have to ask you to go down to HR for a little chat. You know, I just, I'm pushing boundaries, and it's just like, I, ew, I'm sorry. Is there a safe space to try stuff out?
Like, does people, people don't even know what jokes are. Do you understand? I'm joking. Do you know what a joke is?
Okay, now let's keep it rolling with these introductions. Who's next?
I am Smurp. I come from the land of shadows and evil. Oh, and my cousin went to college there.
Amira Chomsky is to be the new social media manager. Oh, I love that we need one of those, yes. Samantha, I'm looking at Smurp's Twitter, and he actually led the Translucent Souls Matter March in South Carolina last year.
Oh my God. Yeah.
How are you digging this stuff up? You are a technological wunderkind. Okay, are you with the celiac? No, I just googled it. I mean, seriously.
I mean, we knew that Smurp didn't list the proper years he lived in his previous address. My bad. That was your bad, Smurp. That's one of the worst things anyone that we've ever hired has done here.
But you, what are your tech secrets? Can you reveal them?
I googled him, and then his Twitter came up, and then I read the first three tweets I saw. Wow, I only read the pinned tweet. Really? He's gonna be the new social media manager.
Smurp, I'm so sorry, but we're gonna have to let you go. This is a disgrace.
But at least I have a very generous severance package. You see that? I fired him. Yeah, that's the bare minimum. And I love that. That's actually incredible.
So now, I know we have one more new hire. Introduce yourself. I'm Martin, and I'm the new spokesperson for Chomsky's. I bet we're gonna be seeing a lot of you.
Okay, that's fucking Martin Shkreli. Yeah, I am. That's the guy that raised the price of AIDS medication by 5,000 percent. I did. Oh my god.
Pat!
That's Martin Shkreli. Everybody knows who Martin Shkreli is.
I didn't even have to look him up. Besides, he's drinking out of a mug that has his name on it and his crime. He admitted to it.
Did you even look into these people for one second before you hired them? Pat, we don't really have the detective re-skills that you have. I don't really have access to the technology that you have. Literally for our company to have the infrastructure. I just typed in G-O-O-G-L-E dot C-O-M and then I was there. I just googled it! Well, I guess we're at a standstill. Because we don't have as advanced of technology as Pat here does.
I am so sorry to say, Martin. I'm gonna need to show you to the HR office. I know. I'm sorry.
Company policy. The line's gonna be extra long today too.
Oh, come on. No! Get off me! Huh? I guess it's a good thing she didn't do it on me. |
cracked | 8_ways_survival_horror_games_make_no_sense | Late 1, huh? Hold on, why are you playing this game like seven hours ago? That depends. What time is it? Uh, midnight? I was gonna get a midnight snack, so... So it's midnight.
Shh! No, Ben. I wasn't.
I was watching a YouTube video of someone else playing it, then reading some reviews, then downloading and patching it, then I waited for Nightfall for Optimum Abiance, and because it was already Nightfall by then. You know, video games are not my only...
Name five of the hobbies right now. Shut up. Just because it's night doesn't mean you have to whisper. I know that. Stop stalling. Name hobbies. Okay, uh, cursing. Four more.
You totally c*** mouth punched that lady. I'm the lady.
Why would I be the alien? To make the game more fun? So, what is this? You ripply blast all the aliens with machine guns and robot suits, and you're like super bad at it. Did you drop all your guns?
There's only one alien. One alien? Did you just sit by the airlock, man? Bingo bango. No alien go.
It's not that simple, like in all these games. The second there's a monster around, while humans start shooting to kill and forming little pocket governments.
What, right away? Instantly.
Dead space, bio shock. They'll shoot you on sight. No matter how unalien you scream. Oh, that's a real downer. So in the ever evolving weighing of the inherent goodness of a human soul, video games fall somewhere between Heart of Darkness and The Purge? Right? It's like, who's the real acid-blooded d*** head alien? Humans. That's how. So, what do you do with the alien if you can't do anything?
You run away. Sometimes you can hide in a little cubby. And you have to stop wiggling so much and please be quiet. The game can hear you if you're too loud and see us when we move.
Come on, T-Rex rules. No. You're just saying that so I get the f*** out of here. Alright, I'll turn it off. Okay? It's optional.
But yes, it's real. And it is killer. Man, it is so hard not to make noise when it's coming right at you. I don't get it. Who do you kill?
You're just trying to survive. It's a whole genre. Survival horror. Like Resident Evil, the zombies. You're trying to survive some horrible thing.
It's fun. You know, it's like that thrill when you lose hide and seek. Oh, so hide under that thing.
What thing? Where? The machinery?
That's like way better than a cubby. You know, you can just hide under there, wait for the whole thing to blow over. First of all, I don't think xenomorph infestation blows over. And secondly, I can only hide in preordained cubbies and vents. So if the alien comes, you what? You scramble away and book it? No. There's a vent hole I go in from this room.
You actually can't climb over anything or jump. How can a game look so realistic, and you know when making it or playing it, it cares that you have a vertical leap of zero inches? Because not everything is judged by how useful it would be in a game of pickup basketball.
How do you know that term? We told you that term.
Although, I will admit, it feels kind of artificial. Frustrating. They all do that though. Resident Evil had shitty like, you rotate, then go forward controls, like a f***ing shopping cart. I think it's to make you feel handicapped, more frantic. Shouldn't they do that with the alien, or the evil residents, or whatever the game is about? You know, instead of creating a magical world where this astronaut scientist lady can't climb, you know, where this capable lady, who's going to witness all these murders and somehow persevere, where she'd rather die screaming than to climb.
Oh, there it is! Oh! Oh, God!
You know, vents today aren't big enough to fit a human. So does this game imply that vent technology only gets worse as time goes on?
I don't know. Are you calling Die Hard a liar? I would never call Die Hard a liar. I'm sorry, but... |
dropout | bad_dads_episode_2_with_michael_cera | Your mother was always pretty discouraging that a lot of the money she thought should have gone to you was going into my vampire trilogy development project. But as you can see, it's not been a waste because it's actually pretty far along.
Your mother hated this part. I used to try to explain this part of the story. This was the most upsetting to her. Why? I don't know because I think it's the most emotionally brave.
But you don't see anything. Oh, you see it all.
You do? Yeah. You see the boy become the girl. How will you do that? You show the genitalia change and then they're happier.
I mean, if we do this right, people are going to be talking about me for hundreds of years. You know what I mean? It makes up for a lot of stuff I've done. So like we got to like I don't think it's good. All right. Noted.
I think we need a new character. I think we need a mayor. Why? Well, I'd like to make some political statements before everything's over because I have a lot of opinions about that. Because I think this all of this could be a dream.
Oh, it already is right. But I mean, I think it could just stay that way. This is that's when he obtains the key which changes his whole path. That's amazing. You are so good at this. You should be a writer. I mean, you have a real eye for this. Well, I used to write you a lot of letters. Yeah. I used to practice writing doing that. Oh, right. Yeah.
I got them. I haven't read them yet.
But you don't say that. No, that's not going to be said that has to be implied.
Too much is said. This should mostly be coy. And not enough. And there should be more information if possible. That you were talking about? Yeah.
You open and close the library rape scene. You don't need to open and close with it if you're doing two in between two. You don't need to bookend it and have it in the middle.
It's a good point. It's too much. It's a good cut. Maybe one of the four library rape scenes. That's good.
The vampire father needs freedom. I can't budge on that. The vampire father realizes that without rules, he's happier.
And everybody might be that way. But then it leads to people around him being lonely. Okay. So there's loneliness.
Cut to ancient Rome. The vampire son has to be more of a man and not quit demanding to be taken care of it every turn.
Do you see that part? You know the key is supposed to be sex, right? Like when they're putting it in each other's genitals, that's a representation of sex. I see. I think it's weird to have them putting it in each other's genitals like that. I can't have that message be missed or nothing makes sense.
This is great, dad. Thank you.
I wish I had known you were working on this for the past 17 years. We could have been working on it. Well, even in your time to ferment, I think you would have probably just screwed it up. Yeah, but we could have been around each other.
I guess. But you're only just barely smart enough now. So this is where the key comes in. Oh, that's it.
Because the prom's been delayed because of weather.
They'll drain the pool. Yeah. And the janitor will already be there. He'll see the chalice at the bottom of the pool.
But now it doesn't matter. That's right. Dude, that's the irony of it.
Yeah, because if they turn the key, it's both broken. The spell has been broken.
That's great. Yes. Oh. Great. That is so good. That's great.
I am very high on Ritalin from other people right now and I'm very horny. So I need to go to a chat room and just take care of this.
Okay? Yeah. Great. And you know what? If there's like a bunch of prunes in there, I'll be back right away. We'll hang out. Okay? Otherwise, I'll just be a bit. Okay.
Because I'm almost blacking out from this. |
SaturdayNightLive | fraternity_schooling_snl | On Your Knees, Plutch! Take Off that blindfold! Yeah, welcome to Hell Week!
Guys, I really gotta go study for a final. Sigmas don't study, frosh!
Yeah! Now what does this sweatshirt say? Sigwell, Amdo, Omega! And what does this paddle say? Brotherhood of Strength! And what does this say? Uh, this is some kind of menu. Okay, what about this? what does this say? Read it! Uh, this is a water bill. what does it say? Uh, it says you owe the company $42 and you already owe $300. put this together! so it becomes one number! you mean add them? it's $342. All right, now do this one! Do It! What does it say? All right, it's a letter from your mom. it says, Dear Travis, I'm starting to suspect you cannot read.
Please come home. On your knees, Plutch! Take Off Your Knees! Yes, it is!
So wait, what are your guys' majors? Sigmas don't have majors. the only class we take is Kickin' Ass 101.
Yeah, now guess what you get to do? because you've got such a smart mouth! you've got to crawl over here and you've got to tie my shoes. But that's not all! you can explain what you're doing is you do it! Yeah! explain how you do it! Yeah, do it and explain it at the same time. Now! Okay, okay. all right, so I take this lace and I cross it with this lace. Yeah, it's slower, freshman, and you do it again! All right, so you take the left loop. left! Oh, you need to know right and left stuff! Oh, wow.
Get On Your Knees! On your knees! on your knees! I'm on my knees!
Good! Because it's time for a pop quiz! get it right or pay the price!
A baby's inside a mommy's tummy. that's right. And then all of a sudden, the baby's at home. Explain that. Well, the mommy goes to the hospital and goes into labor, which means she's dilated, Okay? you know, a stork brings the baby to mommy.
Yeah, that's good. Good, good, good. I like that one. that's good.
Oh, it must be hard for you guys, huh? the only thing that's hard is this punch I can do. Aw. on your knees! on your knees! Get on your knees! get on your knees! you got chucked in this beer Now! this is Not a beer. what does it say? Diet Coke. I thought it said light beer. Yeah! it's light beer because it's four letters in space and then four letters. Yeah, four space. four! Okay, okay. but there are all different kinds of letters. you. what? you know what, guys?
I'm going to head out. I don't really want to pledge this for out anymore. there's only one way to get out of here in one piece, the Gauntlet!
What's that? you gotta answer like a bunch of questions that we have! Okay, go ahead. where the Tv stops! where do the tiny people go? And are they okay? Yeah. yeah. when thunder happens, who is mad at who? What's an Obama? What is it? Alright, that's a lot of questions, you guys. Oh, what's the matter?
Oh, did we scare the little baby? yeah! you want to go back to your store? yeah, from earlier. Okay, okay. I'll answer your questions. it might take a little while, though. What? there. Well, should we get on our knees? Yes, that'd be great. Okay, first off, the little Tv people are just fine. Ah, yeah! don't you go! |
TheOnion | Victoria_s_Secret_Closes_After_Concluding_Women_Were_Never_Hot_Enough_To_Wear_Their_Underwear | A major announcement from Victoria's Secret today, the woman's beauty brand closing its operations for good and apologizing for ever thinking women could be hot enough to look good in their underwear, hear what their CEO had to say for himself. From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. You could visit a newspaper's website and decide for yourself what's worth paying attention to, or you could just sit back and leave all the thinking to us. Sounds pretty good, don't it? Mm-hmm. Stay with us.
The often scrutinized lingerie brand made a stunning about face today, announcing that after months of deep reflection over modern beauty standards and the brand's role in it, Victoria's Secret will shut down all operations due to overwhelming evidence that women were never actually hot enough to look good in the company's lingerie in the first place. Victoria's Secret posted a video on its Twitter page this morning announcing the shuttering of all manufacturing of slip-ons, panties, halters, thongs, and other sensual nighttime wear for the foreseeable future. CEO John Mayhas had this to say in the video.
We had to face a hard truth today. For decades, women of all shapes and sizes just have been a little too ugly to wear our underwear. For us to think otherwise was a mistake, and we understand that now. The beauty industry needs to evolve, and that begins with us realizing that it's not right to expose our product to the hideous and unevolved female form.
OPR's Rebecca Neal has been following the story and joins me now. Hello, Rebecca. Hi, Leslie.
So what went into this massive decision? Victoria's Secret executives took a long, hard look at their operations and found that the brand had an undeniable history of setting unrealistic standards for women that made them feel like they were good-looking enough to pull off lacy boy shorts or see-through nighttime slips meant to tease out the shapes of their nipples. Here's Mayhas again. We simply had blinders on thinking that any living female could pull off our hot pink thongs covered in rhinestones. We were so foolish.
And how is the fashion world reacting? With shock, but several of the brand's star lingerie models actually applauded the brand's new stance. Here's Victoria's Secret angel Lily Aldridge in a video posted to Instagram.
I'm 6'2", I weigh 105 pounds, and I haven't had a blemish on my skin for five years. Victoria's Secret has always made me believe I'm at the standards for what makes a woman beautiful. But the truth is, I'll never be sexy enough for Victoria's Secret.
I was shamed. I ever thought I could pull off a strappy-laced chicini panty that sits just below my crack.
Wow, and is there any hope that women could evolve one day to be the hot babes Victoria's Secret demands them to be? Mayhas isn't holding out hope, but he did address that in his announcement on Twitter today. Maybe one day, your daughters or your daughter's daughters will actually be banging enough to strap giant wings on their backs and walk down my runway in silky pajamas, looking like hairless bombshells below the neck. But we're unfortunately a long, long way from that day. It's time for women to go back to the drawing board and figure out how to look better. So what are women supposed to do now if they can't spend thousands on thin straps of itchy, lacy material being passed off as underwear? Victoria's Secret did say that women could continue purchasing the brand's lotions and perfumes to give them the sense of what it feels or smells like to be an attractive woman, but discouraged them from thinking for a second they are actually pretty. Interested to see how this plays out.
That's OPR's Rebecca Neal. Thanks, Rebecca. Thank you.
The transportation company Lime is best known for its electric scooters and bikes urbanites can rent whenever they get the urge to zip around typical vehicular traffic. Now the San Francisco company is launching their next big product, E-cubes, which are just 150-pound green electric cubes citygoers can drag, push, or roll with them to their destination. Lime spokesperson Brenda Kane had this to say at a press conference unveiling the E-cube in Pittsburgh where they're piloting the program. You already love our electronic bikes and scooters, but we wanted to continue pushing ourselves to discover what's next in transportation. And we think we have an answer. A bright green, 10-by-10-foot block called the E-cube. All you have to do is use your Lime app to unlock the cube and then voila, the cube is all yours for just one dollar a minute.
OPR's Marcy Hammond has been following the rollout in Pittsburgh and she's here with us now. Marcy, what in the hell is this? Leslie, Lime swears this is the future of transportation.
So much so that the company lines the streets of Pittsburgh with 2,000 towering cubes. But so far customers have been apprehensive to rent the cubes and at times just downright confused by them. Most of the Pittsburgh residents I spoke with either prodded the cube bewilderingly or tried to find doors on it that would let them inside. I really like Lime scooters, so I was eager to try the E-cube to see what it was all about. But after I rented it, the app just told me to start pushing with the force of 20 strong men to best experience my cube.
Why is it not moving? I have to get to work, I'm gonna be late.
One particularly fit woman I talked to was able to successfully roll the E-cube for about 20 feet, but the block eventually tipped into oncoming traffic causing a four car pileup. Lime says early hiccups like these are common with any rollout of a tech product. Well, no launch is perfect, but we still believe the E-cube is the most convenient way to get around town quickly and safely. We also want to remind customers that they can rent a Lime brand dolly for just $75 an hour to make your cubing more convenient. That's interesting. Now Marcy, did you find anyone who actually enjoyed the E-cubes? Well a group of teens I saw a few hours ago did seem to enjoy spray painting the phrase fuck my box on an E-cube, but overall they're just in the way and everyone hates them.
Police in Carson City, Nevada are on the hunt for a serial killer that's been terrorizing the city, even though officials admit that they've so far been pretty unimpressed by the culprit who apparently just shoots his victims. OPR's Remy Berglund has been following this story and joins us now from Carson City. Hello Remy. Hi Leslie. Carson City police are calling this one of the most underwhelming serial killers this city has ever seen. Police Chief Bethany Cordova announced that an eighth victim was found today in what she is calling a chilling yet uncreative rampage across the area. Here she is addressing the media earlier today.
Walking up to members of our community and shooting them to death without doing much else is to be honest kind of a snooze fest, but rest assured that we will catch this uninspired individual and bring them to justice. Wow, and do police have any evidence to go on? Well nothing too exciting, mostly just bullet casings. Police have been unable to find any links between the killings or even a unique calling card that would make him stand out. So he doesn't take any sort of trophies from the body like cutting off the tongue or keeping the genitals? No, nothing. He just shoots them.
That's incredibly disturbing. Yeah reporting on this hasn't been easy, and authorities are showing signs of being frustrated as well. Later on in Police Chief Cordova's press conference, she had a message for the killer. If you're out there listening, you can't run forever.
Turn yourself in. Or at least shake things up a bit. Like it would be cool if, and I'm just spitballing here, you took the heads. Oh, or you took the heads and replaced them with tall heads. That would be so fucked up. Whatever you decide, just please use your imagination.
Police sound very determined, but what happens if the killer doesn't heed the Chief's message? Cordova and her team are still holding out hope that after capturing the killer, they'll at least be able to find a freezer somewhere full of chopped up body parts. Let's hope they do. OPR's Remy Berglund reporting from Carson City.
Try not to get too bored out there, Remy. Ah, too late. Not every piece of news can be as sexy as an unsolved string of murders, and that's okay because you can just ignore those ones. They're boring. Kinda like these. Here's what else you need to know today.
A new study published today has found a direct correlation between getting your hands stuck in a mouse hole while trying to steal its cheese and being an idiot. Researchers at Stanford said they would have published these findings sooner, but the mouse holes turned out to be smaller than expected, and it took them longer than they thought it would to get their hands out.
And with more Americans heading out for some fun in the summer sun, the U.S. Department of Recreation is urging some additional consideration, announcing once again that bowling is also always an option. Yeah, we heard you the first time, Department of Recreation. We don't want to go bowling. It sucks.
And in entertainment news, my sister just sent me an adorable video of my little nephew Jaden, and he is just hamming it up, singing into the TV remote like it's a microphone while he dances around the living room. Oh man, I think he's going to be a big star someday. If you'd like to see the video for yourself, just text me and I'll send it to you.
And that's the topical for today. I'm Leslie Price. You know, when I was growing up, there were no podcasts, so we had to get a little more creative with how we masturbated out in the woods. We had to use our imagination. What I'm saying is you should be grateful this show exists, and you should show your appreciation by subscribing to The Topical wherever you get your podcasts. And be sure to tune in next time when we'll sit down with a neurosurgeon who was lucky enough to turn the hobby he was most passionate about into a career. Lucky guy. All that and more next time on The Topical. The news doesn't stop just because this YouTube video has. For even more on all the worst things happening in the world right now, listen and subscribe to The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts, you insatiable news freaks. |
dropout | chris_brown_s_publicist | Chris Breezy, that's my favorite triple threat. I kicked Nicki Minaj. Okay, you kicked her out of a club, or you? No, no, no, with my leg. I sizzled kicked that lady. Okay, not cool, buddy. You gotta get that temper in check. So she came at you first? She was sleeping. I broke a new house and I kicked her while she was sleeping. Jesus.
All right, um, set up a photo op, add a battered women's shelter, you make a big money donation, shake a bunch of hands. As long as you stay on your best behavior, you hit Adam Levine with your car? Nah, I hit Maroon 5, all of them. How do you hit a whole band? It was hard, man. Some of those fuckers were on the sidewalk. No, I mean, how do you, as a person, feel that it's okay to run over five people with your car? You're always singing about moves like Jagger and shit? Sing about my moves, Maroon 5. Okay, here's what we're gonna do. You're gonna do a couple of morning talk shows. You're gonna apologize, you're gonna sing some Maroon 5 songs, you're gonna cry when you sing them, and no more vehicular assaults and no punching.
I punched Eminem. Okay, you know what? He's a tough guy, hell, he's a violent guy. We can spin this. He came at you, he assaulted you. Wait, I wasn't finished. I punched Eminem's cat. Okay, you know what, Chris? Maroon 5's one thing, people love cats. How about this?
We duct tape oven mitts to your hands, that way you are physically incapable of assaulting people. My mitts are working great. Good. I smothered Willow Smith with...
Give me some non-violent news, Chris. Give me some news, Chris.
I slashed up Seal's face again. I got him to a scuffle with Tupac. He's alive? Nah, nah, nah, I dug him up. I murdered Sisko.
Oh. Maybe no, no, no, it's... I'm choking, Usher. What, right now? Usher, Usher.
You like that? Yeah. You like that?
Are you kidding? Not my baby. See for this one, Chris. I punched Eminem's cat. Again? I'm not finished. I punched Eminem's cat so hard, it flew into his daughter and broke her nose. I broke Hailey's nose with the cat.
All right, yeah, I quit. I quit.
Wait, what? You can't quit on me. Are you punching a phone? Are you punching a phone that's not gonna solve anything? Do you hear me? You stupid, violent lunatic fuck! Yeah, I'm sorry, man. I just got carried away. You're just trying to help.
Thank you. Finally. Has any of this affected my record sales? No, oddly enough it hasn't.
I stabbed Nell the Funky homo Sapien with a fork. I punched Hellbone with my tailbone face so hard, it broke his back. I'm Ace Kelly Rose. Poison the cast of Mama Mia. |
TheOnion | Archaeological_Dig_Uncovers_Ancient_Race_Of_Skeleton_People | A team of archaeologists have uncovered an ancient race of skeleton people. Experts believe the skinless, organless skeletons populated the Nile Delta region an estimated 6,000 years ago, and bear numerous similarities to humans today. These bone creatures may even be our earliest ancestors, possibly interbreeding with our species, which would make all humans part skeleton.
Airbnb has begun testing a new feature for their platform to allow black guests. This week, the rental giant soft-launched a new platform feature that finally lets African-American users take advantage of the company's short-term rental services. This feature is currently being beta-tested in major cities, but Airbnb has stated their aspirations to expand this feature nationwide. According to Airbnb reps, black people will still need to check a box confirming that they're black, but once done, they'll be welcome to rent homes so long as they promise not to steal anything. I can't wait to start using Airbnb!
I was a little tied around here recently, but luckily today I have the perfect recipe that keeps both my stomach and my pocketbook satisfied. It's five tortilla chips with ketchup in a bowl. Now I'm using a bowl here, but don't let that scare you away. In a pinch, eating this straight off the table or even the floor will taste just as good. First, you're going to want to add your tortilla chips. I like to break them up into pieces to make it feel like you're eating more chips than you actually are. Now grab as many free ketchup packets as you can and add to taste. At this point, you can pop the bowl in the microwave to make the ketchup hot, but if you're like me and pawned your microwave for gas money, feel free to serve as is. And if your ungrateful child thinks that it looks yucky or that they ate this yesterday and the day before that and don't want to eat this again, just explain to them that making TikTok videos all day doesn't pay as much as you thought it would and that mommy is doing her best. Because mommy wants yummy food too, but mommy doesn't know when things are going to get better. Or if things will ever get better. So, mommy is going to go eat her chips now.
Calling all Swifties. Taylor Swift Era's Tour tickets are still available. We have plenty of tickets left in the back of our van. They're really good seats too, but you have to get in the van to have them. We even have backstage passes back at our shed. Just get in the van and we'll take you there. Get in the van or we will make you get in. |
TheOnion | Red_Sox_Sell_Out_Of_Commemorative_Collapse_2011_Hats_T_Shirts | Quick Goof Blast for you. The Red Sox record setting collapse is complete and the entire city is abuzz. The atmosphere here in Boston is simply electrifying. They're taking it with typical Red Sox Nation spirit, printing out big Meltdown t-shirts and knocking out collapsed 2011 hats like nobody's business. Now you'd think all the recent championships would distract them, but they remember just what it was like to be the most miserable losers on the planet. This is something special. I've been a fan of Boston Sports' disappointment since Bucky Dent.
I've got to get one of those hats. Doc, you don't look good in hats. It's like putting a beanie on a bulldozer.
Already talked that the Red Sox are putting up a statue outside of Fenway of Jacoby Ellsbury running full bore into the centerfield wall. You have to hand it to a fan base that will act equally as disgusting whether they're winning or losing. Nah, I've got to love how stupid and horrible Boston fans are. And not just the fans. Everyone in Boston is disgusting.
The only person I hate more is you. That's your Goof Blast. Now get out of my face. |
TheOnion | Sex_House_Reunion_Ep_10 | 6 sexy singles lived in a house with nothing but booze, beds, and each other. It was a once-in-a-lifetime sexperience. It was Sex House. And the Sex Housemates! Welcome to the Sex House Season 1 Reunion Show. Tonight we're joined by the 6 sexy singles that America grew to love. Now of course you guys had some great times in the Sex House, but it wasn't all fun. It had its highs and lows, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I definitely came into the Sex House afraid to be myself, now I'm much more comfortable with who I am.
That's great. Now, Erin, you became one of the most popular house guests after losing your virginity and becoming impregnated by Frank, the middle-aged pizza contest winner on the very first night. Well what everyone wants to know is, how's the baby? I honestly have no idea. I gave her up for adoption to a wealthy couple. I'm much more focused on my blogging career right now.
So Jay, speaking of Frank, you and he really clashed a lot on the show. We were just two alpha males, you know? Ever since we got over that we've been thick as thieves and shit.
We actually wrote a script together and now we blog about trying to sell it to the studios. It's about two best friends who both have sex with a red-hot virgin. Then they steal some weed from a hospital and they have to sell it. It's called the Huge Chill.
Now Frank, what's going on with your wife? Are you still with her? Oh no, we separated a couple of weeks after I moved to L.A., but I'm doing good though.
Derek, I hear that you've got a big announcement for us. That's right. I'm heterosexual now. Oh my goodness. Well, what wonderful, wonderful news. And what have you been up to other than having lots of sex with women?
I work as a maitre d'hotel at a hotel that Coolio owns. So Coolio is my boss. And I have a blog that covers everything that I'm learning from Coolio about how to succeed in the entertainment industry. Coolio is very real. He gave us some great feedback when we pitched our script. There's like the Coolio that the public sees and then the Coolio that I know behind closed doors and like they're both very real.
So are there any juicy stories that we didn't get to see from Sex House? What got left on the cutting room floor? We had a lot of free time and at one point we weren't even sure if time was even moving. We believed the house was some sort of purgatory and we had to expiate our sins in order to escape. I totally forgot about that. And Tara's epilepsy was another thing, but she had a lot of seizures. Well there was one breakout star from Sex House and no Frank, I'm not talking about you.
It was the white mold that started growing on the pumpernickel bread and then spread throughout the entire house. Scientists discovered that the mold makes an effective vaccine against dengue fever. Now Tara, I know you've really taken up this cause. Yes, I deliver white mold to those that need it most. Plus I blog about the exotic Filipino food that I eat on my journeys. Well we have some dengue fever survivors here tonight, let's bring them out. Thank you Sex House, your mold has saved our lives. Thank you.
Well now let's take a look at this video greeting from a special guest, the Fake Therapist. The Sex House cast thinks they're hot sh** but they're not, they're fake. Frank hasn't even seen our fraternal twins yet and he's bad in bed that Tara girl?
Fake. Stupid. Bitch.
Absolutely gay.
Aaron. Whore. Maybe I should say it again. Whore.
Swarm. Frank, that's cold.
You impregnated her and now she's calling you fake? I'm the realest guy in the house. I mean I'm real all the time. You can ask anybody that knows me how real I am.
She's a fake ass skank. No one wants to hear what she has to say anyway.
Now Alex, you didn't hook up with anyone in the house despite several desperate attempts But now I understand you found true love. That's right. I have recently found the love of my life. Well your boyfriend Paul is here with us tonight so Paul come on out. How long have you two known each other? Eight months but we feel like we've known each other a lot longer. Well you don't know how right you are Alex. In fact I think all of you know Paul a whole lot better than you realize.
Maybe it would help if he were to talk. Like this. Breathe normally. Prepare for mist.
Oh my god that's the voice from the loudspeaker. That's right Paul is Paul Hamlin AKA the mysterious authoritative voice who talked to you over the loudspeaker.
During the show I felt like I could really fall for you. Afterwards I copied your address from your W4 and followed you around town until we accidentally met one day. Well Sex House yours is an incredible story. You laughed, you loved, you cried, America fell in love with you.
Next here's an exclusive preview of Sex House San Diego featuring your favorite cast mates from the original Sex House. San Diego California one of the sexiest cities in America home to an all new season of Sex House. Your favorite single sexy frogs from the first Sex House are back for a wild and crazy season of mating, mounting, spawning, and external fertilization. Sex House San Diego the pond just got hotter. Six sexy Americans alone in a house with nothing to do but get nasty. This is Sex House. Welcome to Sex House.
What wonderful, wonderful news. And what have you been up to other than having lots of sex with women?
I work as a maitre d'hotel at a hotel that Coolio owns. So you know Coolio is my boss. And I have a blog that covers everything that I'm learning from Coolio about how to succeed in the entertainment industry. Coolio is very real. He gave us some great feedback when we pitched our script to him. There's like the Coolio that the public sees and then the Coolio that I know behind closed doors and they're both very real.
So are there any juicy stories that we didn't get to see from Sex House? What got left on the cutting room floor? We had a lot of free time and at one point we weren't even sure if time was even moving. We believed the house was some sort of purgatory and we had to expiate our sins in order to escape. I totally forgot about that. And Tara's epilepsy was another thing but she had a lot of seizures. Well there was one breakout star from Sex House and no Frank, I'm not talking about you.
It was the white mold that started growing on the pumpernickel bread and then spread throughout the entire house. Scientists discovered that the mold makes an effective vaccine against dengue fever. Now Tara, I know you've really taken up this cause. Yes, I deliver white mold to those that need it most. Plus I blog about the exotic Filipino food that I eat on my journeys. Well we have some dengue fever survivors here tonight. Let's bring them out. Thank you Sex House. Your mold has saved our lives. Thank you.
Well now let's take a look at this video greeting from a special guest, the Fake Therapist. The Sex House cast thinks they're hot sh** but they're not, they're fake. Frank hasn't even seen our fraternal twins yet and he's bad at bed but Tara girl?
Fake. Stupid. Bitch.
Gay. Absolutely gay. Aaron.
Whore. Maybe I should say it again. Whore.
Frank, that's cold. You impregnated her and now she's calling you fake.
I'm the realest guy in the house. I mean I'm real all the time. You can ask anybody that knows me how real I am.
She's a fake ass skank. No one wants to hear what she has to say anyway.
Hi Alex, you didn't hook up with anyone in the house despite several desperate attempts but now I understand you found true love. That's right. I have recently found the love of my life. Well your boyfriend Paul is here with us tonight so Paul come on out. How long have you two known each other? Eight months but we feel like we've known each other a lot longer. Well you don't know how right you are Alex. In fact I think all of you know Paul a whole lot better than you realize.
Maybe it would help if he were to talk. Like this. Breathe normally. Prepare for mist.
Oh my god, that's the voice from the loudspeaker. That's right Paul is Paul Hamlin AKA the mysterious authoritative voice who talked to you over the loudspeaker.
During the show I felt like I could really fall for you. Afterwards I copied your address from your W4 and followed you around town until we accidentally met one day. Well Sex House yours is an incredible story. You laughed, you loved, you cried. America fell in love with you. |
cracked | 5_bizarre_performances_in_otherwise_normal_movies | OK, so there was a day on the set of Titanic where some fucking hero put PCP in the lobster chowder, and everyone tripped their asses off for an entire day. That's one of my favorite stories, not just because catering with lobster chowder helps explain why Titanic went so ludicrously over budget, but because I like to imagine that they shot some scenes while tripping on PCP, and those scenes are in the movie, and that's it.
That's my whole fantasy. It comforts me while I'm trying to sleep. See, I have this theory that this type of thing happens all the time. Like, they'll be shooting a movie, and everyone will do a shitload of drugs, but no one will notice because they're all on drugs, and then it ends up in the theater, and we think it's how people act, because movies are where we learn what real life is like.
If that's not happening, then how do you explain that scene with the archeologist in Jurassic Park? When you think of wacky characters in Jurassic Park, your mind probably jumps to Jeff Goldblum and his pontifications about math and poop and trying to throw one up inside Laura Dern. But I think the real weirdo in Jurassic Park is Juanito Restano, a character whose name I had to look up on Wikipedia. He's the archeologist who runs the Amber Mine in South America and describes Alan Grant's work ethic like a brothel owner describing the talents of a terrifying gigolo.
Because Grant's like me. He's a digger. There's no lead up to that inflection. He talks like a totally normal dude until he wraps his mitts around that million-year-old mosquito and starts getting throaty. Due to the magic of editing, we don't see Gennaro's reaction, but we can imagine that as soon as Restano says, he's a digger. Gennaro says, dude, are you going to try and fuck that mosquito? Anyway, I think this might be a Spielberg thing, because we're going to see more of him on this list, not immediately.
First, we're going to talk about the moment we meet Tank in The Matrix. The characters in The Matrix all have a very specific way they deliver dialogue. They all sound like they're trying to talk dirty to a girl on the phone, but their parents are downstairs, and they're also super high and have no concept of how loud their voices, and are really overestimating how well sound carries in this. This is a universal experience, right? I'm painting a clear picture for you? Yes, Mr. Reinhardt. Good. Well, they even managed to whisper in clubs, which is, hi, not possible. I think the actors were specifically told to do this, because when Marcus Chong tries to play Tank as enthusiastic, you can see the struggle between his orders and the pound of ecstasy he just snorted. The result is my favorite scene in the movie.
I've got to tell you, I'm fairly excited to see what you're capable of, if Morpheus is right, no. If you are, very exciting time. If you are, it's a very exciting time. We've got a lot to do. We've got to get to it.
While Marcus is making the face of a man trying to read a stripper's crotch tattoo, Keanu is busy doing Guy in Your Econ Class who's still high from last night. And speaking of being high, at night, there's that weird scene in Superman when Lois reads a poem to him in her head. No one thinks the original Superman movies are overly serious. Lex Luca, ruler of Australia.
But they understood what they were, which is movies for kids, because superheroes are for children. Superheroes are for young people, tiny humans, little ones. It's okay if you have grown up like them, but they're for babies.
But even when you take that into account, this scene's still pretty dumb. When Superman decides to hurl Lois Lane erotically through the sky in typical, a whole new world fashion, she responds by reading a poem in her mind about him. Here I am, like a kid out of school, holding hands with a God. It was originally written as lyrics by Maureen McGovern, and when she sings it, it sounds like this. But director Richard Donner decided to just have Margot Kidder read the lyrics as a spoken word performance. That was a bad decision. You can fly. You belong in the sky. You and I. Pick a rhyme scheme, Margot.
Every side character in Minority Report is a lunatic. Minority Report is about a dystopian future where everyone who doesn't work in law enforcement is completely insane. In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. Inside the peak. Also, some of the people who work in law enforcement are completely insane. The five main characters are the only normal people in all of future DC. Absolutely everyone else is a fucking weirdo.
Here's some good, clean fun. I can't tell if this is supposed to be a side effect of pre-crime, or if, since this movie came out in 2002, Spielberg just resents the fact that the kids would rather go see a stupid boat movie instead of his dinosaur masterpiece. The worst scene in Star Wars is in the original trilogy. Remember all those terrible scenes in the Star Wars prequels full of awkward pauses and dialogue that sounded like it was being revised while it was being written?
You're so beautiful. It's only because I'm so in love. No, no, it's because I'm so in love with you. So love is blind, did you?
It was weird because the original Star Wars movies didn't have stupid scenes like that. They had human beings talking to each other with words that were made out of thoughts, like. That's what your uncle told you. He didn't hold with your father's ideals, thought he should have stayed here and not gotten involved. You fought in the Clone Wars? Yes, I was once a Jedi knight the same as your father. See, reactions, emotions, genuine feeling, it even got more complicated later on with this one.
You want me to stay because of the way you feel about me. Yes, you're a great help to us. You're a natural leader.
No, that's not it. Come on. Ah, come on. You're imagining things.
Am I? Then why are you following me? Fredo's gonna leave without giving you a goodbye kiss? I just assumed he's a working.
Hey, this is nice. I like watching Star Wars clips instead of having to work. Put another one on. Oh my God.
I have no memory of my mother. I never knew her.
Luke, tell me. What's troubling you? Vader is here. Now, on this moon. Oh no. How do you know?
I felt his presence. He's come for me. He can feel when I'm here. That's why I have to go.
In 1983, this scene was merely bad, but now that we've seen the prequels, this is like looking at a selfie of ourselves taking our ninth tequila shot while we're rubbing the panthen on our neck tattoo. Also, we're in a jail cell in Fort Lauderdale. Everything that makes the prequels horrible, the awkward pauses, the melodrama, the standing up to emphasize your displeasure, it's all there, man.
We just never noticed because by the time Endor and the Ewoks rolled around, we already liked Luke, Han, and Leia from the two awesome flicks they were in. Anakin and Padme never got their empire strikes back. We never wanted to forgive them.
Compare this. We can't. It's just not possible. Anything is possible, Padme.
Listen to me. No, you listen. We live in a real world. Come back to it. You're starting to become a Jedi, I'm a senator. To this.
Luke, run away. Far away. If he can feel your presence, then leave this place. I wish I could go with you.
No, you don't. You've always been strong. I think the one thing we've learned here is that you just can't have an exposition scene in Star Wars without Harrison Ford.
Hey, what's going on? Oh, shit. Nothing. I just wanna be alone for a little while.
Could you tell Luke? Is that who you could tell?
I... It looks like they built that set in the gymnasium. And if you make me choose between a green screen doing something kinda cool versus a set that looks like high schoolers built it, I'll take the former any day. I mean, obviously. What the hell was that?
Thanks for watching my video. Please remember to like and subscribe.
And seriously, what was the deal with Minority Report people? We got the guy with the organ in the basement. We got the lady who strangles vines all day. We got the guy who runs the VR thing and has the big, poofy hair. What were they on for?
Tell me in the comments. The waiter's here. Now, on this moon. Oh, no. How do you know?
I felt his presence. He's come for me. He can feel when I'm here. That's why I have to go.
In 1983, this scene was merely bad. But now that we've seen the prequels, this is like looking at a selfie of ourselves taking our ninth tequila shot while we're rubbing the panthen on our neck tattoo. Also, we're in a jail cell in Fort Lauderdale. Everything that makes the prequels horrible, the awkward pauses, the melodrama, standing up to emphasize your displeasure, it's all there, man.
We just never noticed because by the time Endor and the Ewoks rolled around, we already liked Luke, Han, and Leia from the two awesome flicks they were in. Anakin and Padme never got their empire strikes back. We never wanted to forgive them.
Compare this. We can't. It's just not possible. Anything is possible, Padme.
Listen to me. No, you listen. We live in a real world. Come back to it. You're starting to become a Jedi. I'm a senator.
Luke, run away. Far away. If he can feel your presence, then leave this place. I wish I could go with you.
No, you don't. You've always been strong. I think the one thing we've learned here is that you just can't have an exposition scene in Star Wars without Harrison Ford.
Hey, what's going on? Oh, shit. Nothing. I just wanna be alone for a little while.
Could you tell Luke? Is that who you could tell?
I... It looks like they built that set in the gymnasium. And if you make me choose between a green screen and doing something kinda cool, versus a set that looks like high schoolers built it, I'll take the former any day. I mean, obviously. What the hell was that?
Thanks for watching my video. Please remember to like and subscribe.
And seriously, what was the deal with minority report people? We got the guy with the organ in the basement. We got the lady who strangles vines all day. We got the guy who runs the VR thing and has the big, poofy hair. What were they going for? Tell me in the comments. |
cracked | why_pulp_fiction_will_be_studied_for_millennia | Greetings, and welcome to Earthling Cinema, where we examine the last remaining artifacts of a once proud culture and try to understand what human lives were like before their planet was destroyed. I am your host, Garyx Wormuloid.
This week's film is Pulp Fiction, directed by acclaimed foot fetishist Quentin Tarantino. The film is made up of three interconnected stories about the seedy underbelly of Los Angeles, a city with an otherwise sterling reputation. First, we meet Vincent and Jules, two hit men sent to retrieve their Kingpin Boss's briefcase, which contains his favorite orange light bulb. Jules consumes processed animal carcass, reads from the Bible, Ben does some team-building exercises with Vincent. Next, we follow Vincent as he takes the Kingpin's wife Mia out for some food paste, and engages in some sort of bizarre wordless courting ritual.
He promptly ruins the mood by leaving his poison from Mia to find, then stabbing her in the heart with a tiny sword. Ordinarily, this would kill a human, but it appears that Mia is immortal. I see no other possible explanation.
Finally, we have Butch, an over-the-hill boxer with too much pride and a jewelry fixation. Five long years he wore this watch. Up his ass.
He and the Kingpin go to a pawn shop together, but they decide not to buy anything. Taken individually, these stories would not be long enough to charge a full admission at most movie theaters, but combined they form a feature-length film that upends traditional gangster and action films by trivializing their macho image. Much of Pulp Fiction's humor comes from a cavalier attitude about human-non-human violence. Oh, I'm sorry, did I break your concentration? At the beginning of the movie, Vincent and Jules are on their way to do some conflict resolution with a few of their Boss's associates.
They're under-manned and under-gunned. We should have fucking shotguns.
Which should be cause for suspense, or at least mild concern. But their casual gossip about TV pilots and foot massages makes for a breezy and relaxed scene.
Later, Vincent accidentally shoots Marvin's head off, rendering him dead. But there is no remorse. Vincent and Jules worry more about bloodying up Jimmy's towels than about having taken a life.
This shit's hard to get off. Then again, Earthlings took their home furnishings very seriously.
In The Tortured Dungeon, Maynard says that nobody kills anybody in his place of business except him or Zed. Nobody kills anybody in my place of business except me or Zed.
Which is followed by a friendly door chime. That's it. Most films would pair an ominous statement like that with dramatic music. If they move, kill them. While most films would forgo the Tortured Dungeon scene altogether. But you know what I mean. The film also takes a cavalier attitude with time.
High-stakes situations are often undercut by someone moving at a slower pace. When Vincent is on the phone frantically trying to save the dying Mia, his shots are intercut with Lance, calmly ingesting wet bread pellets. Then as they're trying to find the medical book, Lance and his wife get sidetracked by petty squabbling. Which is completely normal and a healthy relationship, thank you very much. Butch takes his sweet time picking a weapon while we hear Marcellus being raped in the background. Just as serious things are downplayed, so too are mundane things granted special significance.
The bathroom is a focal point for many crucial scenes, just as it was in human lives. Jules and Vincent are nearly killed by a man who lives in the bathroom. More notably, every time Vincent uses the bathroom, something bad happens.
There's the restaurant robbery, Mia overdosing on poison, and finally, getting shot by Butch. Not to mention whatever gastrointestinal problem he has. With important things trivialized and trivial things... importantized, the film seems to make a point. We are out of control. Life is random and filled with outrageous coincidence. Honey Bunny and Pumpkin talk about robbing a restaurant because there would be less of a hero factor, and yet they pick the very restaurant where two heroes are eating. Butch just so happens to stop at a traffic light at exactly the moment Marcellus is walking across the street to deliver some donuts, and then they just so happen upon the one pawn shop in America owned by dishonest scumbags. Vincent and Jules are shot at from point blank range with bullets that can pierce human skin and are miraculously left unscathed. Are these simply freak occurrences, or should we believe that a higher power has gotten involved?
Jules says yes, Vincent says no, Butch doesn't mention it one way or another. Say it's dead baby, say it's dead. What is apparent is that at the beginning of the film Jules takes a life, and at the end he spares one.
Even in a chaotic world, we still have the power to choose. The humans don't because they're extinct, but we do.
For Earthling Cinema, I am Garyx Wormuloid. What human lives were like before their planet was destroyed. I am your host, Garyx Wormuloid.
This week's film is Pulp Fiction, directed by acclaimed foot fetishist Quentin Tarantino. The film is made up of three interconnected stories about the seedy underbelly of Los Angeles, a city with an otherwise sterling reputation.
First we meet Vincent and Jules, two hit men sent to retrieve their kingpin boss's briefcase which contains his favorite orange light bulb. Jules consumes processed animal carcass, reads from the Bible, My name is the Lord! Ben does some team building exercises with Vincent. Next we follow Vincent as he takes the kingpin's wife Mia out for some food paste, and engages in some sort of bizarre wordless courting ritual.
He promptly ruins the mood by leaving his poison from Mia to find, then stabbing her in the heart with a tiny sword. Ordinarily this would kill a human, but it appears that Mia is immortal. I see no other possible explanation.
Finally we have Butch, an over the hill boxer with too much pride and a jewelry fixation. Five long years he wore this watch, up his ass. He and the kingpin go to a pawn shop together, but they decide not to buy anything.
Taken individually, these stories would not be long enough to charge a full admission at most movie theaters, but combined they form a feature-length film that upends traditional gangster and action films by trivializing their macho image. Much of Pulp Fiction's humor comes from a cavalier attitude about human-non-human violence. Oh, I'm sorry, did I break your concentration? At the beginning of the movie, Vincent and Jules are on their way to do some conflict resolution with a few of their bosses' associates, bare-undermanned and undergunned. We should have fucking shotguns. Which should be cause for suspense, or at least mild concern, but their casual gossip about TV pilots and foot massages makes for a breezy and relaxed scene.
Later, Vincent accidentally shoots Marvin's head off. Whoa, what the fuck's happening? Oh, shit! Rendering him dead.
But there is no remorse. Vincent and Jules worry more about bloodying up Jimmy's towels than about having taken a life. This shit's hard to get off. Then again, Earthlings took their home furnishings very seriously.
In the torture dungeon, Maynard says that nobody kills anybody in his place of business except him or Zed. Nobody kills anybody in my place of business except me or Zed.
Which is followed by a friendly door chime. Most films would pair an ominous statement like that with dramatic music. If they move, kill them. Well, most films would forgo the torture dungeon scene altogether, but you know what I mean. The film also takes a cavalier attitude with time.
High stakes situations are often undercut by someone moving at a slower pace. When Vincent is on the phone frantically trying to save the dying Mia, his shots are intercut with Lance calmly ingesting wet bread pellets. Then, as they're trying to find the medical book, Lance and his wife get sidetracked by petty squabbling, which is completely normal in a healthy relationship, thank you very much. Butch takes his sweet time picking a weapon while we hear Marcellus being raped in the background. Just as serious things are downplayed, so too are mundane things granted special significance. The bathroom is a focal point for many crucial scenes, just as it was in human lives.
I'm gonna take a piss. I'm gonna take a shit.
Jules and Vincent are nearly killed by a man who lives in the bathroom. More notably, every time Vincent uses the bathroom, something bad happens. There's the restaurant robbery, Mia overdosing on poison, and finally getting shot by Butch.
Not to mention whatever gastrointestinal problem he has. With important things trivialized and trivial things... importantized, the film seems to make a point. We are out of control. Life is random and filled with outrageous coincidence.
Honey Bunny and Pumpkin talk about robbing a restaurant because there would be less of a hero factor, and yet they pick the very restaurant where two heroes are eating. Butch just so happens to stop at a traffic light at exactly the moment Marcellus is walking across the street to deliver some donuts, and then they just so happen upon the one pawn shop in America owned by dishonest scumbags. Vincent and Jules are shot at from point blank range with bullets that can pierce human skin and are miraculously left unscathed.
Are these simply freak occurrences? Or should we believe that a higher power has gotten involved?
Jules says yes. Vincent says no. Butch doesn't mention it one way or another. What is apparent is that at the beginning of the film Jules takes a life, and at the end he spares one.
Even in a chaotic world, we still have the power to choose. The humans don't because they're extinct, but we do. For Earthling Cinema, I am Garyx Wormuloid. |
dropout | aladdin_s_mistake | Genie, come out! Jafar is gone! Get you!
I suppose you'll be wanting a third wish now? You know what you need to do. I wish... I wish for you to be human!
Ah, wait, what?! Ooh! Free, I said the word was free, not human! Same difference. And you had to say it right when I was coming out of the fucking lamp! Why does it matter? Oh, God! You see what happens? You see what happens?!
It's not so bad. Aw, look at me. I'm a freak. A halfling mutant with deformed fetus legs. Well, maybe we can still- Ah!
Get off, it hurts! I am in so much pain. A constant, deep, hard, stinging pain.
Oh, what is it even? I know a pretty good plastic surgeon. Dr. Sid Farkas, he can maybe- Oh, no. Oh, no. fuck you, Al. Oh, fuck you. Can't you just sorta... that look as am?
I'm human, you prick! I'm just a guy! I can't do anything!
Here, watch this. Wish for something. I get it. You don't have to- No, no, no. Do it. Say, I want the Nile. Ugh. I want the Nile. What the?
Your wish is my command. You have another genie? Hey, I'm Carl. How many wishes do you have left? One, but I promised Carl I'd free him too. I wish you to be human!
Oh, crap. That's okay.
At least I can walk. Later, fetus legs. I had plans, Al. I was gonna see the world. I have a girl in Morocco waiting for me.
Ugh, come on. The old me, I mean. I used to be funny!
Gandhi, Jack Nicholson. You remember that? Ho, ho, ho! What'll he say next?
She wanted that genie, not some sad puddle of flesh! Why won't you just let me die? Aladdin, I'm changing the law. You and my daughter can be married. I can show you the world. Hey, come on! Shining, shimmering, splendid. Don't ignore me! Tell me, princess, now when did you last...
Oh, I ripped off the bottle. That was not the right move. |
SaturdayNightLive | eddie_loves_white_people_snl | Hi, I recently got a letter that I'd like to share with you people out there. it says, dear Eddie Murphy, I'm nine years old and I'm your biggest fan. I like everything you do. the part I like best is when you say kill my landlord and I hate the white people. when I grow up, I want to hate white people Just like you. Signed, Troy Hewitt, Brooklyn, New York. Now, I hope Troy is watching tonight because I wanted to make something clear to him and all the other little kids around the country. when I say that I hate white people, I want to kill white people, do something like that, it's all done in fun and I don't mean anything by it. in fact, I'm very fond of white people, Troy. I want you to know that. When I was growing up, we had a white maid. she was almost like part of the family. I want you to know that, too.
And, Troy, a lot of white people have made some great contributions to society. Did you know that a white man invented latex paint, Troy? it's true. And consider the arts. there's some great white actors, too, Troy, like Bill Bixby, John Everett, Tony Franciosa, Burt Convey, okay? those men are credits to their race.
And what about music? I know I'm not the only black man, Troy, who likes to get my favorite lady and go home and sip some wine and make love to her to the music of Bear Lives. I'm telling you, I love white music And I love their food, too. I don't know. every now and then, I get this feeling. I just have to go out and I go to a place like Elaine's or the Russian Tea Room just so I can get some good, down-home white cooking, you know? So it's like, every time you hear me talking about white people negatively, I mean nothing by it. it's all in fun. I want you to know that nobody loves white people the way I love white people, Okay? Hi. how you doing? I'm doing good. is that a Bear Lives record you have on it? uh-huh. I love white people. |
cracked | the_news_on_spitzer_on_cracked | Hi there, this is the news on Spitzer on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman and I have not had sexual relations with Elliot Spitzer, yet. But yes, New York Governor Elliot's spitty-ditty Spitzer has gotten himself all tied up, pun intended, with a high-priced prostitution ring. It seems like Governor Spitzer is going down faster than one of the girls he paid to do so on himself. Spitzer reportedly paid upwards of $5,000 for some of his illicit dalliances, making him the first Jew to pay retail price for anything, ever.
I can make that joke because I'm Jewish. And a dick. Seriously, though, I would never pay $5,000 for sex, because your mom doesn't take credit cards. Say, what? No, I'm just kidding. She totally does. Master Card and Discover. But politically, it looks like Spitzer is fucked in exchange for money, because that's how prostitution works. Have you been paying any attention at all? Check back Wednesday, folks, for the next edition of the news on Cracked. We'll probably have thought up some more Spitzer jokes by then. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_186_Amy_Gerard | Good to see that it's raining outside for a change, you know, the farmers will love it. It's just a little bit more rain to finish off the crops before they harvest them in the summertime, so. Well, as Slim Dusty says, the best crops are always in flood reach, so hopefully not too much rain, but that is life on the land.
Australians are rapidly decentralising by the minute right across this country as a result of this historical event known as the 2020-2021 pandemic of COVID-19. A lot of people have kind of become a bit more familiar with their home, you know, a lot more people spent time at home, a lot more people actually spent a lot more time with their family, which has been great, net positive, you have to say. But you know, when it comes to this world we're in, once upon a time, everyone kind of relied on magazines and I guess radio serials once upon a time and TV shows to kind of explain life at home, you know, parenthood and of course, you know, just suburban life or life in town and things have changed a lot, particularly during the pandemic. We have a lot more avenues, we have a lot more mediums. And one phenomena that has emerged over the last couple of years is that of people that look like you and live a life similar to yours telling your story or telling a story that's similar to yours and one that you're invested in and you know, there's a whole lot of words for this, personalities.
It's a story as old as the Bible, it is. Yeah, life, really life, life itself, life, the trials and tribulations, the cave paintings of, of, you know, Northern Europe and you know, thousands and thousands of years ago.
Yeah. And for someone to garner a following in this day and age with so much on the internet, they're obviously speaking truth and especially a consistent one, one that lasts. And today's guest is definitely that. We have a mummy blogger is a word. It's contentious, but we are going to use it. And because it interests us as well, we want to know more about this world and all variations of this kind of, I guess, personality and this actual venture that a lot of people have gone on. My blogger is one word. I would also say number one podcaster in Australia.
Thank you for joining us, Amy Girard. Thank you for having me. Now we want to talk to you.
You've got a new podcast out called beyond the likes, which is pretty self-explanatory, but it also would speak to a lot of people who aren't really across your world because you know, there's a lot of people that might not know you. There's a lot of people who do, but there's a lot of people who might not know you and would actually be interested in that story as well about, you know, people who are kind of followed and what life is like beyond the likes. But can you tell us just now, you know, here today before we even get into the podcast that has gone number one on Apple, how did you find yourself in this position where you had so many people around the world invested in your day to day life, which in many cases looks a lot like theirs?
Yeah, I absolutely have no idea.
To be honest, I just started out like any other Joe Blow when I had my first born. I guess I just started sharing, you know, the cute photos, the cute baby photos. And I think the only point of difference that I made was that I kind of told it a little bit more like how it is. I think when you enter motherhood, there's this unspoken agreement where you don't talk about the hard nights and you don't talk about the fact that your nipples get chewed up and they look like they've been in a blender. You just have to be very blessed because here you are, you've got this beautiful baby. And, and I was absolutely blessed and I loved being a mum, but it was so much harder than I had anticipated it being. So I shared all of the highs and I also shared all of the lows. And I think I was just a little bit more honest with my approach and I guess people really resonated with that.
Yeah, because a lot of the stuff that's really existed in that space historically has been, you know, basically put through the washing machine with a bit of kind of nappy sand on top and a soft lens. Yeah. Very, you know, sepia lens. Yeah. Do you think that a part of, of why it's resonated with so many people is because it's so much rawer than anything else really that's coming?
Yeah, and I think I, I, I would have loved to have, I mean, Instagram, what six years ago wasn't as big as what it is now, but I would have loved to have been following along a mum who kind of gave me a better insight into parenthood and what it was all about. Cause I kind of went in with like rose colored glasses and I love children, but I'd never obviously taken one home and had it forever. So I went into it thinking it was going to be this beautiful thing.
And again, I don't want to shoot care in parenthood because it's absolutely amazing, but it's so hard. Like sometimes you don't sleep for six months and sleep deprivation is an absolute like form of torture, but then you can have babies who don't breastfeed properly or you don't have a milk supply.
And then there's, oh, there's just an, a whole abundance of stuff. And I think every single mom is going through the same thing, but there was this unspoken agreement that you, like, it wasn't cool to talk about it as much. So the more I started voicing my opinion on things, the more others kind of was followed along cause they didn't want to feel as alone. There's a lot of here, here. Yeah. And they're like, fuck, I'm going through the same thing.
Like my nipples are disintegrated off my body and I haven't slept since, you know, January, 2016 and stuff like that.
So it was just a more raw approach. So you, you would say, um, before you started, you know, with this kind of honest portrayal of, of, of, of that life, as you said, it's, you know, it's something that, you know, it's special and it's, and it is everything you wanted it to be, but it also is a lot tougher than you thought. Would you say you were actually kind of, you'd only ever seen the milestone parenthood online or, and you were too young to remember your folks going through, through that kind of stuff to remember how tough it was.
I don't remember. And also my mom is like mother Teresa, so she's a different kettle of fish, but I don't remember us ever being hard workers, kids. I mean, I'm sure we were, but I also Instagram and like Facebook and stuff. It wasn't like it was around, but it wasn't as prominent as what it is now. So I didn't have anything.
You just have like the movies, the Hollywood movies where you see the ladies screaming in labor and then they've got this adorable bundle of joy that they take home and yeah. So you see the husband smoking a cigar in the hallway.
Yeah, exactly right. Yeah. And everyone lives happily ever after. Yeah.
Well, people invested in your kind of story and your storytelling prior to all of this. Did they follow you on the journey of, uh, you know, meeting the father and, I wouldn't say that I had a big following back then. I was just, I had, I don't know, like 500 people, just my friends were following me back then. It was probably more when I had Charlie and kind of told it like it is, but I think the biggest thing and the reason why people, they would send my stuff to other friends was because majority of the stuff that I would post, I'd always make sure that I inject a little bit of humor into it because having a sense of humor with children is imperative, imperative.
Otherwise you'll go crazy. Yeah. Well, that wasn't another thing we were going to say. You're not just all honest raw details. I'm not just shit canning parenthood at the whole time. There's high spirits and there's a good sense of humor. You're a character. I'm a character. Yeah.
Is what I guess a lot of, a lot of your followers would kind of cotton on to quite early in the piece of following you, but it's not just one, not just one, not one kid. No, oh no, there's a few of them too. There's a few kids. I did, I did all three in under four years, which was, I mean, it was a lot of work.
Rapid fire nowadays for sure. Definitely rabbit fire.
I, and I think my mom did all three. I, I was the eldest and then I had two brothers as well and she did all of us in three years, so she was even more cracked than I was, but I was like, oh, she can do it.
Well then I can do it. But yeah, not advisable. Yeah.
I think the kids would like you for it though, you know, in years to come, really. I think, you know, when kids are too far apart and they, you know, it's not really the same. And they are growing up.
Like, I feel like I've done a lot of the sleepless nights and the hard parts. It was all kind of just blended in. There was just three years, which was just quite a big blur.
And now, you know, they all play together. I mean, they fight a lot as well, but they all play together and they can entertain each other. And they're like this little gang.
What ages are we talking? Are they the ages now where you can say, look after your little brother, look after your little sister? Uh, yes. So Charlie is, she's fantastic. She's my mother's helper. She is five and a half. And then Bobby just turned four and then Coby is two something. Can I, I just want to go back to that blur because every, you know, you talk to your sisters, your aunties, your mothers, you hear this, this story. You day to day, you're on task. Yes. Do you remember kind of the milestones that came in between all that? I mean, apart from the other child being born, are you talking about like when they first walked and stuff?
I remember a lot of Charlie. I remember nothing of Bobby because I had Charlie and I just had her one on one for 21 months. So she's firstborn child gets all of the attention, all of the love, everything. And then Bobby was born and he kind of had to, you know, share me with Charlie for a year. And then I was pregnant and I had a horrendous pregnancy, so I kind of tapped out basically parenting him. Charlie had to step up and then Coby was born. So I remember a lot of Charlie. Bobby was just a blur because he was my spirited child. I just did a podcast on him and I think I will soak up Coby as much as I can because he's my last and he gets away with everything because he's my last.
Yeah. At what point do you remember thinking we've got a lot going on? I've made a huge mistake. When Coby started being mobile, so when I went all three. Yeah. When my last one could walk, I was truly fucked because they would all just run in different directions and I'm outnumbered. So two was very manageable. I could go to the shops, I could go to the parks, I could pretty much do anything on my own. Three was fine until he could walk. When Coby was strapped to me, fine. When he was sitting in a pram, fine. Now that they can walk, it's terrifying. Yeah.
I think that a lot of young mothers out here are probably wondering how much of the mental load does your husband carry? Because, you know, you've been talking about passing a lot of the parenting on to Charlie, but probably not much on to Ryan with the unconventional spelling.
And also, you just mentioned you were outnumbered. I was like, well, only just.
It's lucky I've come in on a day where I actually like him because so I won't shit can him today. He works quite a high in stressful job Monday to Friday. So when it wasn't COVID, he would leave at like six forty five most mornings and then he doesn't get home till seven thirty. So a lot of the mental and physical load was on me. On the weekend, he's very fantastic. He's a very hands on dad.
He's not great with newborns because he's almost he's almost got a little bit of ADD, I think himself. He hates like he doesn't like to sit still. He doesn't like to chill out. He wants to be he wants to be out riding bikes and just doing dumb shit. So with newborns, you can't do a lot of that.
And that's that was my thing. I love newborns maybe because I don't know, I'm a bit lazy, but so come the weekends, he really steps up and he'll take the older two out. I mean, now that Kobe can walk and stuff, he'll take all three out to the park and give me a break or he encourages me to go out and have girls lunches and fill my cup up and stuff like that. So he's great on the weekends. But yeah, he's basically MIA during the week, which is why it feels so much harder than like if I had a tradie husband that got home at three thirty four and could help me with bedtime. That would be so amazing because that's like the shit kicker hours for sure.
Yeah, the witching hours. The witching hours where they've all just self-combusted. They're all over tired.
Well, maybe you could try and convince Rhian to go through it like a tool change. Yeah, believe me, I've tried. Try to pack it in. You have a sort of teaching. Have you thought about carpentry?
Honestly, he can't even change a light bulb. He's not that guy.
Okay. Yep. So you're carrying a fair bit of the mental load. Yep.
And all of the light bulb changing. I do a lot of light bulb changing as well. He gives it a red hot crack though.
So one thing I kind of want to talk about is before you, you know, that you went on this kind of adventure of telling the story to everyone, what were you doing beforehand? Did you have a career that would, that would have prepared you for storytelling? Oh God, no. I, before I, when I was pregnant, I was working as a paralegal, so that's quite left field. Before that, I did work in advertising, so I was always in advertising. I worked in TV production as a producer for a while. Never storytelling. I used to, I've always loved writing though. When I used to live overseas, I used to write my mum and dad letters that they still keep because they thought they were hilarious. I just would recap certain things, bit tongue in cheek, using a lot of humor, making it more entertaining.
Yeah. So I've always enjoyed writing and I think that's what I guess helped me with the gram. And what kind of following are we talking now? Because this is going to inform my next question. You're in the hundreds of thousands. Yeah. 105,000. So a lot of young mothers will tell you, even anyone on the street in the shopping center will walk up to you and give you unsolicited advice on how to raise your child. How does that feel with potentially a hundred thousand people? Do you get that? Do you get people sending you a little hot tips about, Hey, you should do this.
I definitely did at the very beginning when I had one child. But I feel like I'm a little bit of a seasoned pro now.
So if I might be the person that gives hot tips only to girlfriends and only when asked, I will never be that person that gives unsolicited advice. I just, I don't like those people on the airplane.
Just, just hand it to me. Let me, let me settle her. Oh no, you're burping her wrong. Yeah.
I will never be that person. We all hate that person.
Don't make their ears pop. Just hold them upside down, a light shake. Yeah. But no, I don't, I actually, I'm sure that there's a lot of people that slide into my DMS, but I, I don't see that because I can't get on top of them. No, no, we have that too.
We have anyone listening that has sent through potential, uh, uh, hot scoops for us to cover on but two, I'm sorry we didn't get back to you. It was probably very offensive and we ignored it or we just didn't see it. Now I want to talk about this historical event we mentioned at the start of the interview. How did things change for you?
I mean, obviously a lot of people around Australia right now, uh, just coming out of an interesting time in their lives, interesting time in their kids' lives. Not up here in Queensland though. Yeah, not in Queensland. No, no, life's, life's always been the same up there.
Um, one, you were homeschooling, one of them, with others around as well. It was truly the worst four months of my life. The COVID before in 2020, I remember that sucking, but I also remember being like, oh no, I mean, we've kind of found our groove and our rhythm a few weeks in. Working with my husband every single day, like having him home, that was the hardest part in 2020 because we had three kids and our house, when we built it, we knocked down all of the walls.
So it's a completely open plan house, which means there's nowhere that he can work where the kids won't find him. And cause he tends to be the fun parent because he only sees him on the weekend.
So it's so much fun. His sleeve and his trousers are being tugged. Yes. Or they're like streaking behind him, nude. Yeah. At that stage. The Zoom calls. Yeah.
My middle child refused to wear clothes basically the entire COVID 2020, but it was okay. Whereas 2021, Charlie had started school and she was in kindergarten and I'd heard that homeschooling was horrific. But I was like, oh, how hard could it be? It's so much worse than what, again, I anticipated because there's this unspoken about pressure to make sure she stays on top of her work. And kindy is such a, you know, it's the foundation upon which her education will grow up from and you can't let them slip. But what kid listens to their mum when it comes to schooling?
No one. You need a third party. You absolutely need a third party.
And so I would try and sit down with her at the start of every day. And she's quite a bright kid and she would pull out every single trick, like in her little bag of tricks in order to get out of doing homeschooling. There would be tears. She would wet herself sometimes. Just she she's been potty trained. She has been like she's been wearing undies for three years now. She does not wet herself, but she would do anything and everything.
But what happened the minute I would take, I would try and spend time with her and the other two bin chickens would be out trashing my house. Kobe's the worst at the moment as a two year old.
They are huge liabilities. Discovering how to make noise. Oh, just and not just with their mouth, just with pans and pots and glassware and crockery.
Bobby would open the front door and I'd find Kobe halfway up the street. He likes to also remove his nappy. So he's usually nude from the waist down.
It was a legitimate nightmare. So I take my eyes off Charlie and then she would hide her laptop. So her iPad and then we couldn't find it for like a week. And that's what they would send all their schoolwork home on their iPads or they'd send out links and they had to do all their schoolwork on iPads. So it was basically a nightmare.
I'm pretty sure she's gone backwards having me as a teacher. She's definitely dumber. So her and hundreds of thousands of other kids around Australia do not worry about that.
So kids are going back to school now in years of ours, have they? Right. So how is she coping with the transition back to school? Oh, she wanted to go back to school. She was dying to get back to school by the end of it.
She and I. And it was to put a damper on the story. It actually got to a point where it was quite like really upsetting because I'm so close with her and she's like my little wing woman. And I just wanted to be her mum and her friend. And I didn't want to be this teacher that would always try and get her to do her schoolwork. And she didn't really like me and I didn't really like her. And I just I ended up saying to her teacher, listen, we're we're clocking off early. We're having at least a four week holiday. So, yeah, she bound it.
She skipped straight into school. She was like, don't even walk me to the gate.
I've got this. See you later.
The very unfortunate thing about the pandemic on top of everything that it brought with us was the fact that you actually couldn't really. Interact too much with your extended family. So any slack that my I'm not sure if you got have you got family around in New South Wales that could usually outside of a historical, incredibly infectious outbreak of a respiratory illness that tends to affect people your parents age.
Yes. Would you be able to kind of do an offload here and there? Absolutely.
Like my parents are 10 minutes from my house. Brothers, two sets of brothers and wives, we're all 10 minutes from each other. So normally I've got babysitters at the ready and they were just out of out of reach.
It hurt. It's just sounds like that's just the icing on top of it. It's like you can't do anything.
So please leave your family alone. Your extended family.
The idea of this pandemic in itself is a good metaphor for, you know, everything you've kind of gone through. And you've shown everyone is like the pandemic, basically from our level to the politicians, it felt like we were building the plane as we were flying it.
Yes. Do you find it's been similar in, you know, young parenthood with you as well? Like there's not many you can't you have to do 100 hours in a car to become a, you know, a qualified driver. They don't really have those kind of checks and balances. Not that, you know, anyone feels like they need them, but it definitely does feel like something you land on day one and you learn how to drive this thing. With parenthood. Yeah.
Listen, I'm a big believer that your first child, it's all trial and error. Like, so you're going to do so much wrong. And I think I reckon I can only say, having had my third, that I can confidently say that I know what I'm doing and I can recognize a different cry to a distressed one and just a whinge. And I know if they've got croup or if they've got some sort of illness, I know how to stay calm. And the first one, you're just all over the place. Like you don't get a manual when you go home with a baby, which was the biggest spin out for me because I was like, oh, like, what do I do with this thing? So it's all definitely trial and error.
Bobby, he got a bit more of a confident version of me. Kobe. Yeah, he's chilled. He's because I know I'm chilled. I know what I'm doing now. I'm very relaxed. He basically raises himself.
Yeah.
Were you one of those young girls when you were a kid kind of watch The Sound of Music and think, yes, I'd like seven of them? Yes, that was me. That was my favorite movie. Sick in the head to think that I would have seven children now. Just honestly, I did always want like four or five, though. My nan had six. And I remember when I had my second, she said, oh, you should stop here. And I said, oh, that's weird. You had six children. She goes, yeah, but take it from me.
Like two is great. You'll have a really fantastic life. It's really easy.
One kid, each parent. I think because I was one of three, I was like, bare minimum, I'm always going to do three. But three definitely tipped me over the edge. Like, I think now day and age, my mom did three, but she stayed home for like nine years and there was no social commitments.
They didn't have mobile phones. They didn't. She didn't do anything.
They just had the landline in the hallway. Literally. I think she went to play group once a week and that was it. And she'll say, I climbed the walls.
Yeah, it was very boring, but it was easy. The only time she met other adults was a chicken pox party.
Yeah, exactly. Whereas nowadays people want to have the children, but they also, they want to work and they want to maintain a career and they want to have social life and it's hard. Now let's talk about how this has kind of become, you know, a life that you were kind of documenting and sharing to now where it's become a, you know, as we said before, you, you're a podcaster and you're talking about this life to those same people who are tuning in. Yep. How does it feel to now kind of, and I know you definitely don't view yourself as this, but now you are kind of viewed as a voice or almost an authority. How does that feel? Does it, I mean, you don't want that to be the case, but you know, a lot of people would say, what would Amy do? Yeah.
Look, I have hardcore imposter syndrome. I think that's wild. And like I said, I would never give unsolicited advice just off the cuff, but I will absolutely go above and beyond and help somebody. And I'll share my experiences and I'll give my opinion. It's not always right, but I'm happy to always share what I've done. It's still quite wild to think that people listen to what I have to say. I don't know whether it's the rawness that I've always delivered things with or maybe the kind of the sense of humor or the, I tend to have a more positively skewed view on life. Kids, you know, they're hectic and they're hard work, but I'll still find the humor in each situation and be able to have a laugh about it.
I don't know if that, did that even answer your question? Yeah, no, I know what you're saying. It's like, you've just got to do what you're doing. What I want to ask is what, I mean, this is probably one of the tricky questions we're going to ask today is what are the taboos? You know what I mean? You're raw, you're honest, you give the details.
What have you found you won't go near again? I mean, obviously in this day and age, there's certain conversations around medical science that probably aren't worth putting out there to a audience as large as yours. Yeah. Oh, listen, I try to not touch on things like politics, religion, sort of things like that. But otherwise, in terms of anything that's related to my own life, I'm a pretty open book. You'll wear the backlash too. Yeah, I'm a pretty open book.
I'll talk about anything from, you know, birthing a child with a 38 centimeter head, what that did to my pelvic floor, the journey to recover that. We went to vagina crossfit. I'll talk about, you know, marriage trials and tribulations, what marriage looks like after you've got three kids. Yeah, I share most things and I think a lot of people can relate to a lot of things that I say. Is Ryan aware of how many people are following his young family?
He is aware. Yeah, he's aware. He's actually pretty low key and pretty relaxed about things.
I tend to run a lot of things past him first. So we did a podcast and it was all about what your sex life looks like after three children. And he was the first person that I got to listen to it. And at the end, I will always respect him if he was like, get that fucking thing off the airways. I would absolutely do it. But he was like, no, no, it's sweet. Well, can you see a future in podcasting or do you think there will be a time where, you know, you put the wig back on and go back to law?
Oh, God, I'm never going back to law. Never going back to law.
I really am enjoying podcasting so far. I mean, it took me a while to kind of find my groove, but it's nice because I think with Instagram, you know, there's little squares and I think you can write 22,000 characters. But it's a little bit more of a personal deep dive into my personality and I can share more on certain topics and stuff, topics that I only kind of skim the surface of on the gram.
Yeah, so that's been cool. Yeah. You, you, uh, so obviously big, big hit out number one, number one across Australia. We'll say it again beyond the likes. What are you looking at here?
Have you, have you got a, have you got a different topic each week or is there going to be a little bit of a, just a catch up? Listen, there's going to be little bits of catch ups at the beginning of each episode, but there's going to be different topics all week. So I think the next, next one we're going to chat about is different styles of parenting because you know that show that's on TV at the moment, Parental Guidance.
I don't know if you've seen it. It's pretty wild. Like just watch it. There's so many different types of parenting styles. I did a skit on it on my Instagram and IGTV.
We're just taking the piss, but I think that will be a really interesting topic. We're going to cover things like, you know, periods. I'm going to get Ryan on as a guest. I want people to send through questions and stuff. They can ask him. Nothing is off limits, but yeah, it'll just be, I want it to be kind of current as well. So if something's happening in the world, I want to have a chat about that and just go with the flow really.
As we wrap up, what kind of other styles of parenting are there out there? I mean the one, the one you've kind of, we've spoken about today sounds very much like the all on deck, you know. But at the same time, it does, it doesn't sound like helicopter parenting either. No. Yeah. Well, helicopter parenting is one. So you've got helicopter. So just, I was watching this show and they've, you've got strict. They're very like authoritative, like there's, you are an authoritative person and they, anyway, there's strict. There is attachment style parenting. There is, what was the other one? There's helicopter. Oh, so these are more archetypes as I was thinking we were talking like no Steiner parenting. Or like edutainment or, Oh no, just from this show. Yeah. Otherwise you've got like the gentle parents, the cool parents, the cool parents. Yeah.
I feel like everybody sets out to be a gentle parent. Like I sure as shit don't wake up and I'm like, I'm going to lose my shit today. I always set out with the right intentions, but there's certain kids that will just push and push and push. That's my middle one.
And he's the most lovable, but he just knows that you'll be like, stop doing that Bobby. Stop doing that boy. And you'll ask him a hundred times and he'll just keep doing it. He'll look at you as he does it. No, he'll look at you as he does it. And he'll just keep doing it.
What? Oh, you want me to stop doing this? This part here? Yeah. Oh, stop. No. So then you, yeah, you blow your sack and whatever.
I'm not a perfect parent, but you know, I wake up every day and I give it my all.
And a lot of people are joining you on this journey. Yes. Be that, um, on Instagram or, or now on podcasting and I'm hopefully to all you lot out there listening to the Matoota Advocate Radio show, this might be something worth checking out, whether you're in the midst of all this or preparing to venture into this world. Yeah. Or like 80% of our listeners, they listen to the show exclusively on tractors. Yep. So it's something for them to learn too. So thank you for joining us today. It was, it was an interesting and actually quite insightful into particularly that the last two years where we think a lot of people have taken for granted what has been happening in a lot of households around Australia.
Um, and as you just described it, it sounds like fresh hell. Literally fresh hell.
It's a good time. Loads of love. Yeah. Well, here's to opening back up and Merry Christmas when that finally comes around. Same to you too. |
SaturdayNightLive | cologuard_snl | If you're over 45, that means it's time to start screening for colon cancer, and there's no easier way to do it than with Cologuard, the simple, efficient box delivered straight to your doorstep. Oh, hello. can I help you? Hi, I'm Cologuard, a non-invasive way to screen for colon cancer at home. Oh yeah, my doctor ordered you. that's right, because I'm safe, easy to use, and I find 92% of colon cancers. Okay, cool. how's it work? I just need to collect a sample.
So, open me up and, you know, go inside me. inside you? Yeah, just go inside me.
It's okay. I like it.
Are you going to look at me like that while I do it? Sure, I'm just smiling because I love my job, and I love what you're about to do to me. Yeah, well, I love that you have a face and a little mouth. and a name.
I'm Thomas. Why do I hate knowing that? Come on, it's fun for both of us. you get the satisfaction of knowing you're doing everything you can to protect the health of your colon. And I get another kind of satisfaction.
So go ahead, unload in me. hey, why is the Ups guy watching? he's just waiting to collect a sample after you're done. Yeah, so go ahead, unleash. I really don't feel comfortable doing this in front of you guys. would you feel more comfortable going in me? unloading on a little woman like me? would that make you feel like a real man? Oh, my God, no, I just want to be screened for colon cancer. then go ahead, destroy me, daddy. blow my box open. Yeah, I want to see you blow that box wide open. this is sick. yeah, but not sick from colon cancer. So come on, just go inside her, then pass the super warm box to the Ups Guy. get that box nice and warm before you hand it back to me.
I'll even close my eyes while you do it. I see you peeking.
Oh, my God, wait, how many of you are there? It's okay, we're just here to watch. we're friendly, like minions, So go ahead and unleash. Stop saying unleash. would it help if you knew their names? No. that's Kylie, Victor, Neil, and Siobhan. we can't wait to see you Unleash. Ahh! you know what?
I'm actually good. I just remembered that I screened for colon cancer last year, so. you wouldn't be lying to us, right? No, of course not. because we can also detect liars.
Now drop your pants, blow out his box, and this will all be over. Just do what the little boxes say to do. I'll give you what you want, just please don't kill me.
Man, is Woody okay? I know he smokes a ton of weed, but really starting to worry about him.
All right, let's head inside, give him some privacy. actually, I'm gonna stay. I'm gonna watch him unleash.
Cologuard, go ahead. we like it. smiling because I love my job, and I love what you're about to do to me. Yeah, well, I love that you have a face and a little mouth. Hey, I'm Thomas. Why do I hate knowing that? Come on, it's fun for both of us. you get the satisfaction of knowing you're doing everything you can to protect the health of your colon. And I get another kind of satisfaction.
So go ahead, unload in me. Why is the Ups Guy watching? he's just waiting to collect the sample after you're done. Yeah, so go ahead, unleash. I really don't feel comfortable doing this in front of you guys. will you feel more comfortable going in me? or loading on a little woman like me? would that make you feel like a real man? Oh my God, no, I just want to be screened for colon cancer. then go ahead, destroy me, daddy. blow my box open. Yeah, I want to see you blow that box wide open. This is sick. yeah, but not sick from colon cancer. So come on, just go inside her, then pass the super warm box to the Ups Guy. get that box nice and warm before you hand it back to them.
I'll even close my eyes while you do it. I see you pinking. Oh My.
God, wait, how many of you are there? It's okay, we're just here to watch. we're friendly like minions, so go ahead and unleash. stop saying unleash. would it help if you knew their names? No. that's Kylie, Victor, Neil, and Siobhan. we can't wait to see you Unleash.
I'm actually good, I just remembered that I screened for colon cancer last year, so. And you wouldn't be lying to us, right? No, no, of course not. because we can also detect liars.
Now drop your pants, blow out his box, and this will all be over. Just do what the little boxes say to do. I'll give you what you want, just please don't kill me.
Man, is Woody okay? I don't know, he smokes a ton of weed, but I'm really starting to worry about him.
All right, let's head inside and give him some privacy. actually, I'm gonna stay. I'm gonna watch him unleash. Coliguard, go ahead, we like it. |
TheOnion | Report_Some_Sick_Fuck_Out_There_Now_Supporting_Herman_Cain_Because_Of_Sexual_Assault_Allegations | Rick Santorum asks the US populace if he's still running for president. Burger King introduces a new thing to throw in front of your kids after another hellish day at work, and some sick fuck out there is now supporting Herman Cain because of his sexual assault allegations. If you insist on acting like a petulant child and pretending you don't know exactly what this is, whatever you big baby, it's The Onion Week in Review.
At approximately 10.15 Wednesday morning, Thomas C. Dewey High School in Dearborn, Michigan was rocked by the revelation that 17-year-old junior Jessica Milley will start putting out. Though Milley informed best friend Tonya Harris of her intention to only go all the way with her boyfriend of six months, Josh Gibson, classmates quickly identified other potential benefactors of Milley's decision to finally let a guy put it all the way inside her, including homecoming king Ryan Hutchins, Jeremy Stoker who's really good at guitar, and Sam Robbins who, despite being pretty quiet and weird, is said by reliable locker room sources to have a humongous dick. Jessica's pretty hot, so I'm happy with her decision. I'm pretty sure Josh fingered her on the bus during our field trip to New York City, so I'm not surprised. In a related story, several sources who went swimming with Karen Anderson last summer confirmed the senior has a huge bush.
An amateur sailor has announced his plans to sail around the world to decrease awareness of important global issues. 29-year-old Michael Gilmer will cover approximately 28,000 nautical miles over three months, all the while drawing attention away from famine afflicting several African nations, revolution in the Middle East, flooding in Thailand, and economic instability across five continents. The goal here is to really make people think about a young, overconfident asshole on an expensive boat, rather than any pressing matters of substance that actually affect people's lives. As Gilmer set off on his journey Thursday, something was happening in Washington. This week, the nation launched an initiative intended to bring in badly needed revenue by offering official United States of America franchising opportunities. For an initial investment of $20,000, interested parties will receive an American operations manual and welcome kit containing a framed copy of the Constitution, a 1-16th scale replica of the Statue of Liberty, one case of Budweiser, a choice between a Native American dreamcatcher or hand drum, and an instruction pamphlet on how to print the nation's popular currency. It's risky, but the prospect of heading up my own United States location beats herding goats for my uncle for the rest of my life. My brother Samir opened up in China last year, and he's doing great. In this week's opinion pages, a desperate God opens up about his first ever foray into spirituality during a very difficult time. In other news, a jar of change on a dresser is sadly factoring into a number of financial decisions. A teen zebra doesn't give a shit how much you honk, it's not getting out of the road. And Dad's new 20-year-old Thai boyfriend really sucks at Scattergories. And don't forget to never, ever drink Pepsi Cola, whose dipshit marketing team backed out of a full-page ad buy at the last minute. For more news, visit TheOnion.com slash Newsbeat. |
dropout | eating_contest_ft_ben_schwartz_all_nighter_2012 | Who am I? What? Who am I?
With Jackie Chan. Literally my favorite DVD in the world.
You don't know about it?
Closer? Yeah. Closer? You don't know about closer? Yeah. No, no, no. Closer.
With Natalie Pertman? Yes. In Jewish law. Is that the one where you can eat piggies?
I don't know. Ugh. God, man. Get a life. I'm sorry. With Chris Rulliot? Get a life?
It's literally my favorite DVD of all time. It's like a never-ending story with you.
Hold up. You think you can eat a six-foot party so faster than me? I think I can do anything I put my mind to. Okay, how about this? How about we have a contest? An eating sandwich contest.
I'm good. Thank you. Oh, gosh.
Ah, but I already bought them. I already bought them.
All right, let's do it. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. Okay, ground rule. Go. First person to complete their entire six-foot sandwich wins.
Deal. You got to consume every single ingredient. Deal. Also, you can't use your hands. You got to eat that dish off the table with your mouth. No. Deal. Also, you can't chew. No. Deal. One more thing. No. Deal. Oh, this is so hard.
What's wrong? I just had lunch. What'd you eat?
Twelve-foot sub. Oh, sounds good. The sun looks so beautiful when it's setting.
Amir, I'm going to kill myself tonight.
What? Whoa. I just met you. This is crazy. Here's my number. Yeah. Call me maybe. All the other boys, they try to chase me. What? What are you talking about? Um...
Hey, you know that part in Swinger is when Vince Vaughn is like, always double down on 11. Yeah, of course. Right, yeah.
Well, what if you're not playing blackjack? Actually, no. I didn't say no. I've never seen that before. Okay, never mind. No.
You're going to be so fat after this. What was talking? What do you mean? You know, I heard with the Avengers, after the credits, if you wait all the way to the end, they kick you out. I love Easter eggs. Right?
Why do they call it morning wood when it feels like pudding? I'm just saying they should call it morning pudding.
No, yeah, I know what you're saying. Okay. I gotta take a shit. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? In the sandwich.
You know, you used to have a piggy bank. Oh, what happened to it? It was a real pig. It died of coin poisoning.
That's it. I finished the sandwich. What are you laughing at? You finished my sandwich, you imbecile. That's impossible. No, I switched the sandwiches when you weren't looking. Keep that change, you filthy animal. |
cracked | 4_scarlet_witch_storylines_too_disturbing_for_wandavision_canonball | This video is brought to you by NordPass. Head over to NordPass.com slash YBOC and use code YBOC to get 70% off a two-year NordPass premium plan, finally secure all your passwords once and for all, and most importantly, you know, help out the show.
Everybody loves Wanda or Scarlet Witch, the Avenger with the ability to manipulate reality and randomly stop speaking in an Eastern European accent. Sometimes it's hard. Over the decades, she's been in Got Milk ads, the background of video games, animated shows that barely counted as animated, and now finally her own hit live-action series, WandaVision. But this isn't about any of those. This is about the bonkers, the embarrassing, the unbelievable bits of canon that she would magically erase from our memories if she could. We're talking about Wanda's bovine nanny, how her babies ended up as a villain's hands, and that time she went all Game of Thrones on her bro. This is Cannonball. WandaVision is a show about a superhero of vaguely-defined powers living inside a vintage sitcom with her dead husband and android who used to be Robert Downey Jr.'s robo-butler. Yeah, it's weird, but guess what? Everything you see in Nacho is actually an extremely watered-down version of the supreme weirdness that goes on in Scarlet Witch's comic book adventures. The Avengers' emergency fund is emptied by a staggering bill. Weirdness-like. Number four, Wanda's midwife was a talking cow.
The midwife who pulled them out of their mother's vagina was a cow. No, Lady Bova isn't a mutant whose power is looking like a cow, if you were wondering. She is an actual cow who was mutated into somewhat human form by a being known as the High Evolutionary. And if you're also wondering why the High Evolutionary would do that, well, in our experience, you don't get to be called the High Evolutionary unless you give sentience to a cow every once in a while.
In Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver's most famous origin story, their mother is an Eastern European woman named Magda, who freaks out after learning that her husband can control metal. Oh, and also she wasn't a huge fan of how much he loves killing people. Magda runs away and hides in a nearby castle inhabited by a crazy scientist in purple armor and his talking farm animals, because all of that still seems less scary than her psychomagnetic hubby. Meanwhile, sweet old Bova continued showing up all over the Marvel universe for decades until she was gruesomely murdered by her boss in 2014.
At least WandaVision gave her a cute little cameo in a milk ad, so that's nice. Number three, Wanda's babies became a villain's hands. Like the MCU version, comic book Wanda eventually falls in love with her synthetic Avengers teammate, Division, presumably after the team's vending machine rebuffed her advances in eight or dollar. Magic Mutant Date's Crying Robot is a weird enough concept, but things turn exponentially weirder when their children are born and end up looking like this. Okay, let's back up. How did Wanda even get pregnant from what's essentially a six-foot vibrator who fights crime? Easy, by channeling the magic from a town full of witches while wishing for kids. In 1983's Vision and the Scarlet Witch, number three.
Yep, definitely pregnant. Everything is peachy keen for the new family for a while, but after the twins are born and the writers found out how boring it is to write regular babies, they started hinting that there was something weird about them. For instance, they blip out of existence whenever their mom isn't thinking about them. They, they were right there.
Which is not how people work, right? I'm in an impossible fantasy world. The hints that there's something wrong with Wanda's babies are confirmed in Avengers West Coast number 52 from 1989 when Master Pandemonium, a villain with demons instead of hands, uses them as fire-spitting weapons. Now, we'd have to consult a licensed pediatrician to be sure, but we don't think that's a feature most babies have. Definitely not without paying extra, anyway.
The same issue goes on to explain that Wanda wanted children so badly she conjured them with her magic, but since she can't create new souls, she used stolen fragments from the demon lord Mephisto. Through Mr. Demon Hands, these fragments go back to Mephisto and the babies stop existing because they just barely existed in the first place.
It's true, I'm going mad. So how does Wanda handle this information? She doesn't handle it at all. No, I won't believe it, Pietro, I won't.
Because our friends erase her memory of the whole demon baby saga to spare her the trauma and the writers from having to try and write interesting stories about toddlers. But that means one of the most powerful Avengers ends up living with a huge hole in her mind. There's no way this can backfire, right? Number two, she kept going crazy and killing her teammates. Like we said, Scarlet Witch is one of the most powerful members of the Avengers, able to defeat some truly formidable enemies by herself. My hex power will cause his sword to slip through his fingers. What happened? Unfortunately, it looks like losing your kids and having them eternal sunshine out of your brain isn't very conducive to good mental health. There were already hints that Wanda was losing it before they even messed with her memories. Like when she slapped her teammate, the Wasp, which people keep doing. Perhaps touch that his then daughter had suddenly started talking like him, Magneto decides to visit Wanda while she was catatonic after the whole baby drama. This causes her to have a mental breakdown and lose her inhibitions, both power-related and sexual.
Ooh. In 1990's Avengers, West Coast number 56, she freezes her friends with her newly expanded powers and it's heavily implied that she gives a wonderful hand job to Wonder Man, a fellow Avenger who'd been crushing on her for years. Which is pretty sweet of her, actually. Oh, except then she also kills Wonder Man and then brings him back to life just to keep messing with him. Luckily, she decides to go back to being good after finding out a villain called Immortus is manipulating her into going evil. And the Avengers welcome her back with open arms, which isn't such a wise decision, as it turns out.
In 2004's Avengers Disassembled, Wanda goes double crazy after unforgetting her fake babies and murders Vision, Ant-Man, and Hawkeye. Having imaginary kids is a big decision, guys. Then, while the Avengers and the X-Men debate what the hell to do with her, Wanda uses her powers to reshape reality, trapping Marvel's heroes in a crazy, mutant-dominated world known as House of M. That particular mental breakdown ends with her depowering 99% of mutants on Earth, causing many to die or wish they were dead.
But hey, at least she feels really terrible about it now. Number one, she totally porked her brother. Pietro.
I just hacked this video because it clearly isn't using a password manager like NordPass from the cybersecurity experts behind NordVPN. Thankfully, I'm a friendly hacker. I'm gonna teach you how to set up an account and why NordPass rocks or this doesn't happen to you again. For starters, NordPass is incredibly helpful for extremely forgetful nerds like me. It stores all your passwords and credit card information in one secure place, so you only need to remember one password. It's immediately way better than any password manager built into your computer because it can travel with you from computer to computer, so it doesn't matter what operating system you have. But maybe you use your browser for autofill. And that would be great if my freaking Chrome vault wasn't always getting hacked.
Just a few months ago, somebody hacked my Grubhub account with a Chrome password that got compromised, and they ordered a single pizza. Just one pizza, those freaking sick bastards. That is a true story.
But if you haven't already had all your passwords stolen, exporting them and putting them into NordPass takes like 15 seconds, and then it easily integrates into whatever browser you choose to use. And for new websites, NordPass can easily generate new passwords with dollar signs and umlauts or whatever, so people can't just hack into your accounts by guessing your pet's name 69 for everything. And all you gotta do to secure this secure goodness is head over to NordPass.com slash YVOC and use code YVOC to get freaking 70% off a two-year NordPass premium plan, plus one additional month for free.
I don't wanna do that. You don't want me to do that, so that's just not for both of us.
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The Ultimate Marvel Universe was a more streamlined, Hollywood-friendly parallel reality that served as a testing ground for what became the MCU. Some parts of it, like Captain America's rude present-day awakening or Nick Fury looking like a guy whose duty is to please that booty, were incorporated into the movies. Others, not so much. In the case of Ultimate Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver's relationship, that's definitely for the best. See, when Wanda and Pietro first show up in 2002's The Ultimates, fans noticed they seemed awfully close to each other, like read each other poems on a boat in Venice close, like illegal in most states close. Come on, sis. There's also a running joke about Pietro being jealous of Wanda flirting with some androids, although her robo fetish seems downright adorable in this universe, relatively speaking. Initially, we all assumed that the Ultimate Scarlet Witch-Quicksilver relationship would never move beyond some awkward hugs and light innuendo. But when new writer and future Marvel TV exec Jeff Loeb came aboard in 2007's Ultimates 3, he decided to make the twin-sest explicit in an issue that bizarrely treats Cap like some old-fashioned Victorian socialite for thinking that's gross. No, never. Later, Wolverine regales the Ultimates with the tale of the time he saw Wanda and her bro doing it in the jungle, right after working in the fact that he once banged her mom, resulting in a half-brother Wanda never got to meet, which, again, probably for the best.
Anyway, don't get mad at us if all these stories end up in the last couple episodes or season two of WandaVision, although they'd probably have to move it from Disney Plus to the dark web or something. Maybe Hulu.
Oh, Sylvester P. Smythe, you've really done it this time. Oh, hello.
Thank you for watching today's episode of Cannonball. If you liked it, make sure you hit like, hit subscribe, ring the bell, and let us know in the comments if there are any other Marvel stories you think will never make it to the MCU. And if you didn't like it, might I suggest calling a loved one, reconnecting with an old friend, and letting them know about this stupid video you just watched.
Memories if she could. We're talking about Wanda's bovine nanny, how her babies ended up as a villain's hands, and at times she went all Game of Thrones on her bro.
This is Cannonball. WandaVision is a show about a superhero of vaguely-defined powers living inside a vintage sitcom with her dead husband, an android who used to be Robert Downey Jr.'s robo-butler. Yeah, it's weird. But guess what? Everything you see in that show is actually an extremely watered-down version of the supreme weirdness that goes on in Scarlet Witch's comic book adventures. The Avengers' emergency fund is emptied by a staggering bill. Weirdness-like.
Number four, Wanda's midwife was a talking cow.
The midwife who pulled them out of their mother's vagina was a cow. No, Lady Bova isn't a mutant whose power is looking like a cow, if you were wondering. She is an actual cow who was mutated into somewhat human form by a being known as the High Evolutionary. And if you're also wondering why the High Evolutionary would do that, well, in our experience, you don't get to be called the High Evolutionary unless you give sentience to a cow every once in a while.
In Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver's most famous origin story, their mother is an Eastern European woman named Magda who freaks out after learning that her husband can control metal. Oh, and also she wasn't a huge fan of how much he loves killing people. Magda runs away and hides in a nearby castle inhabited by a crazy scientist in purple armor and his talking farm animals because all of that still seems less scary than her psychomagnetic hubby. Meanwhile, sweet old Bova continued showing up all over the Marvel universe for decades until she was gruesomely murdered by her boss in 2014.
At least WandaVision gave her a cute little cameo in a milk ad, so that's nice. Number three, Wanda's babies became a villain's hands. Like the MCU version, comic book Wanda eventually falls in love with her synthetic Avengers teammate, Division, presumably after the team's vending machine rebuffed her advances in $800. Magic mutant dates crying robot is a weird enough concept, but things turn exponentially weirder when their children are born and end up looking like this. Okay, let's back up. How did Wanda even get pregnant from what's essentially a six-foot vibrator who fights crime? Easy, by channeling the magic from a town full of witches while wishing for kids in 1983's Vision and the Scarlet Witch number three.
Yep, definitely pregnant. Everything is peachy keen for the new family for a while, but after the twins are born and the writers found out how boring it is to write regular babies, they started hinting that there was something weird about them. For instance, they blip out of existence whenever their mom isn't thinking about them. They, they were right there.
Which is not how people work, right? I'm in an impossible fantasy world. The hints that there's something wrong with Wanda's babies are confirmed in Avengers West Coast number 52 from 1989 when Master Pandemonium, a villain with demons instead of hands, uses them as fire-spitting weapons. Now, we'd have to consult a licensed pediatrician to be sure, but we don't think that's a feature most babies have. Definitely not without paying extra, anyway.
The same issue goes on to explain that Wanda wanted children so badly she conjured them with her magic, but since she can't create new souls, she used stolen fragments from the demon lord Mephisto. Through Mr. Demon Hands, these fragments go back to Mephisto and the babies stop existing because they just barely existed in the first place.
So how does Wanda handle this information? She doesn't handle it at all. Because her friends erase her memory of the whole demon baby saga to spare her the trauma and the writers from having to try and write interesting stories about toddlers. But that means one of the most powerful Avengers ends up living with a huge hole in her mind. There's no way this can backfire, right? Number two, she kept going crazy and killing her teammates. Like we said, Scarlet Witch is one of the most powerful members of the Avengers, able to defeat some truly formidable enemies by herself. Unfortunately, it looks like losing your kids and having them eternal sunshine out of your brain isn't very conducive to good mental health. There were already hints that Wanda was losing it before they even messed with her memories. Like when she slapped her teammate, the Wasp, which people keep doing. Perhaps touch that his then daughter had suddenly started talking like him. Magneto decides to visit Wanda while she was catatonic after the whole baby drama. This causes her to have a mental breakdown and lose her inhibitions.
Both power related and sexual. In 1990s Avengers, West Coast number 56, she freezes her friends with her newly expanded powers and it's heavily implied that she gives a wonderful hand job to Wonder Man, a fellow Avenger who'd been crushing on her for years. Which is pretty sweet of her actually. Oh, except then she also kills Wonder Man and then brings him back to life just to keep messing with him. Luckily, she decides to go back to being good after finding out a villain called Immortus is manipulating her into going evil. And the Avengers welcome her back with open arms, which isn't such a wise decision as it turns out.
In 2004 Avengers disassembled Wanda goes double crazy after unforgettable her fake babies and murders Vision, Ant-Man and Hawkeye. Having imaginary kids is a big decision guys. Then while the Avengers and the X-Men debate what the hell to do with her, Wanda uses her powers to reshape reality, trapping Marvel's heroes in a crazy mutant dominated world known as House of M. That particular mental breakdown ends with her depowering 99% of mutants on Earth, causing many to die or wish they were dead.
But hey, at least she feels really terrible about it now. Number one, she totally porked her brother. Pietro.
I just hacked this video because it clearly isn't using a password manager like NordPass from the cybersecurity experts behind NordVPN. Thankfully I'm a friendly hacker. I'm gonna teach you how to set up an account and why NordPass rocks or this doesn't happen to you again. For starters, NordPass is incredibly helpful for extremely forgetful nerds like me. It stores all your passwords and credit card information in one secure place so you only need to remember one password. It's immediately way better than any password manager built into your computer because it can travel with you from computer to computer so it doesn't matter what operating system you have. But maybe you use your browser for all of them and that would be great if my freaking Chrome vault wasn't always getting hacked.
Just a few months ago, somebody hacked my Grubhub account with a Chrome password that got compromised and they ordered a single pizza. Just one pizza, it was freaking sick bastards. That is a true story.
But if you haven't already had all your passwords stolen, exporting them and putting them into NordPass takes like 15 seconds and then it easily integrates into whatever browser you choose to use. And for new websites, NordPass can easily generate new passwords with dollar signs and umlauts or whatever so people can't just hack into your accounts by guessing your pet's name 69 for everything. And all you gotta do to secure this secure goodness is head over to nordpass.com slash YBOC and use code YBOC to get freaking 70% off a two year NordPass premium plan plus one additional month for free.
I don't wanna do that. You don't want me to do that. So that's just not for both of us.
For all of our sakes, just sign up for NordPass.
The Ultimate Marvel Universe was a more streamlined, Hollywood friendly parallel reality that served as a testing ground for what became the MCU. Some parts of it like Captain America's rude present day awakening or Nick Fury looking like a guy whose duty is to please that booty were incorporated into the movies. Now there's not so much. In the case of Ultimate Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver's relationship, that's definitely for the best. See, when Wanda and Pietro first show up in 2002's The Ultimates, fans noticed they seemed awfully close to each other.
Like read each other poems on a boat in Venice close. Like illegal in most states close. Come on, sis.
There's also a running joke about Pietro being jealous of Wanda flirting with some androids. Although her robo fetish seems downright adorable in this universe, relatively speaking. Initially, we all assumed that the Ultimate Scarlet Witch Quicksilver relationship would never move beyond some awkward hugs and light innuendo. But when new writer and future Marvel TV exec Jeff Loeb came aboard in 2007's Ultimates 3, he decided to make the twin-sest explicit in an issue that bizarrely treats Cap like some old fashioned Victorian socialite for thinking that's gross.
No, never.
Later Wolverine regales the Ultimates with the tale of the time he saw Wanda and her bro doing it in the jungle. Right after working in the fact that he once banged their mom, resulting in a half brother Wanda never got to meet.
Which again, probably for the best. Anyway, don't get mad at us if all these stories end up in the last couple episodes are season two of WandaVision. Although they'd probably have to move it from Disney Plus to the dark web or something. Maybe Hulu.
Oh, Sylvester P. Smythe, you've really done it this time. Oh, hello.
Thank you for watching today's episode of Cannonball. If you liked it, make sure you hit like, hit subscribe, ring the bell, and let us know in the comments if there are any other Marvel stories you think will never make it to the MCU. And if you didn't like it, might I suggest calling a loved one, reconnecting with an old friend letting them know about this stupid video you just watched? |
dropout | hardly_working_adults | This is so much better than eating lunch. Mm-hmm. Healthier, too. Totally.
So Max, man, what are you gonna do in your internships over? Well, I got like three years left to college, so probably just that. Oh my god, three years.
You know, just sitting next to you, Max, I'm starting to feel, starting to feel like a little bit of an old fogey over here. You know, I know what you're talking about because I am starting to feel like a grumpy, old grouch. I'll tell you what, me too.
What is wrong with you guys? Speaking of grumpy, Sheil has been hounding me to death about this country club thing. Lakewood Heights. Waste of moolah. Now, I don't know if you guys heard this and keep in mind, I heard it from Connie, so keep it on the download here. But Martin and Nancy are separating. Oh, no. Geez, have they told the kids?
Bear Morgan is the same age as my Tyler, and they're doing the, uh, the, the kai-twan door or whatever. And then, I'll tell you, that Tyler kid is a little bit... You know, as if he's not gonna have enough problems already with a separate parents. You really feel for him. What the fuck are you guys talking about? Hey, now! Somebody get a bar of soap? It's like my Tyler over here. Yeah, well, we're just joking around, but cool it around your mom, will ya? Yeah.
You know, I'm taking the kids up to Lake Wanna Posse this weekend. They got those little paddle boats? I take the boy fishing for the first time, yes. Would you mind if it's not too much of an inconvenience? Could I go with you? Oh, are you taking, uh, Barb and the kids up there? You know, they just restocked that lake up there with these beautiful rainbow tracks, and they're just leaping out of the water into the boat, practically. So, what you're gonna wanna do is get a nice...
Well, now, it would just be me and your family, if that's okay. Well, you know, she and my, uh... Well, between soccer and riding lessons, you know, we don't get a lot of alone time with the kids. So, we're just trying to make this a little family, uh, get away. You know, it's the same thing with me, you know, and everything that gets the counting job.
I would just love to go camping with you and your family, just me and your family. Now, we didn't say anything about camping, which... Ooh, if you're looking for some good camping in the Rhode Island... Frankly, after you showed up last winter when Sheila and I had the timeshare at Okemo, you're drinking really put a cloud over that whole weekend. Yeah, Okemo is a good, but if your timeshare is flexible, me and Connie have a...
Maybe you'll sit this one out. Yeah, well, I would really love to come. Ow! All right, fine! Great. Leaving Friday at four, but you're gonna have to ride in the back of the Volvo. Hey, did I tell you that Connie and I are trying for a fourth? Yeah? Yeah, so we're together in... Oh, hey, Maxie there. Why don't you put your little headphones on, okay? All right, get out of here.
So, she's wetter than me after a jog in July, right? Of course. And this is usual as far as I'm concerned. Next thing I know, she's peeing on me. Ooh! |
cracked | the_7_deadly_sins_of_online_gaming | There's seven deadly sins. In the modern vernacular, everything one can do that is either fun and or noothed. But in the virtual world, they take on a whole new dimension of filthy, unrepentant jackassery. In single player games, you are supposed to pick up every random piece of garbage you stumble across like a hobo version of Mario, but in multiplayer, there are other gamers to think of.
That was M1 ammo. You don't even have an M1.
I'll have one someday. Maybe in your next life, though you'll probably reincarnate as a scabby weasel. You are an elite, a stone cold killer with a flawless record, despite the fact that about 80% of the people you play are clearly much better than you. What is your secret? If I'm losing, I'll just disconnect.
It's our victimless crime. Five years from now, this player will be murdered at a crowded land party. Nobody there will have seen a thing.
It's getting dark. So cold. That is weird, and cause you look hot.
Nobody wants the last thing they see in life to be an enemy soldier's polygonal testicles. Oh no. Nevertheless, the online community has embraced virtual necrophilia as a sort of latter-day touchdown dance. Your opponent does not get more defeated if you rub one out on his fake corpse. Just... don't, everyone. Seriously. Where is your gun now?
It takes effort to get a right-left MMO character through tedious level grinding or tedious paying off Chinese nationals to do it for you. But it takes no effort whatsoever to use that character to terrorize low-level players. This is the type of player who must have all the fun for himself. Pity him before he is sad inside. There is a darkness in men's hearts. An anger crouched prepared at any moment to blow the head off their own randomly assigned allies and throw their chances of winning the match out the window.
Why? There is no why. There is only nerd rage and flame.
What do I do, Sarge? Sarge.
The average multiplayer match takes about three minutes. That's 180 seconds of undivided attention you have promised your teammates. Engage in file. No! Games, good games, are challenging. The fun of a game is in building your own strategies to beat those challenges. Or if you're a joyless turd, you can find a simple way to exploit the game and do it incessantly until you've turned this fun game into a frustrating chore. It's not exactly cheating, but it's not exactly playing. If you're this obsessed with boys winning, odds are that losing is your natural state. These 26 letters into an endless array of finely crafted pros. Not that. Do it for pecs. |
dropout | too_many_avengers | Oh, this is Rhodey, my partner. This time he's played by Cuba Gooding Jr. for some reason.
What's up guys? I'm not sure. Okay, whatever. Look, our planet needs us to...uh...yo. We just came from breakfast. I thought you two broke up. It's complicated. Alright, look, we need...can we help you? What's up bro?
Hope I'm not late. Actually, this is kind of a private thing, okay? He was with me when I got your text Nick. It would have been kind of awkward. Got it. Look guys, I didn't tell every superhero about this. This was supposed to be just you guys.
Hey, what's up? It's me, Plastic Man. You remember me?
No? I brought a couple friends. Didn't say on the Facebook page if it was like an open thing or whatever, but I hope that's cool. Oh, hell no!
These little ones here, these are Sharkboy and Lava Girl, not my little ones, they're just little ones. Let's see, this is my friend Dazzler. She can throw sparkles and me used to kiss. That ain't no damn superhero! That's Jonah Hex, his face is fucked up. Meteor Man, he's friends with Luther Vandross.
Anybody can do that! These are the Wonder Twins. They can turn into animals.
That's the Phantom. He can talk to animals. The Mighty Mouse, he's a mouse. That's Super Grover.
My mama got more power than you!
Don't make me take off my eye patch and start yelling at you in my other mouth! This is a bullshit! |
dropout | if_the_president_made_a_viral_video_clip_from_bad_internet_ep_7 | Seven views? Well, yeah, but it's about to update, so it's now up to 248 views. That's it? This speech has been online for ten hours. I'm telling people the world is about to end. People think politics are boring. Okay. That's just the internet. We've broken all the major TV news broadcasts, right? Yeah.
Penetration of our message to Caucasians over 60 is doing great. I mean, our Miami Beach bunker is almost full, so. Just old people? How are they supposed to continue the human race?
Frankly, they shouldn't be allowed in the bunkers anyway. But they are, because you built a fuck ton of bunkers. I did. I built a fuck ton of bunkers.
So how are we going to get people to watch this? Hey, guys.
So today I want to talk about the big meteor that's going to crash into the planet. Yeah, it's a total bummer that everyone's going to die.
But you can survive if you make it to one of the thousands of bunkers we built for just this occasion. What? Cray-cray? Oh my God, President Powers, you're the best. So calmly make your way to a bunker, and God bless America.
Hello, I'm Siobhan from College Humor. Thanks for watching that clip from Bad Internet. You can watch the whole thing over on YouTube Red, or you can wait a couple of years until it's rebooted with a younger, hotter cast. I love showbiz. |
rpunctuated | rpunctuated_amy_poehler_monologue_anxiety_dream_saturday_night_live | Ladies and gentlemen, Amy Poehler! Thank you so much. It is so good to be back. I Have to say hosting SNL is completely surreal for me. You Know, when I was in the cast, every now and then we'd get a real Diva host. And I Promised myself that if I ever hosted, I would be that diva. And I am the best in the world! You do not know a lot about me. Much like Betty White, I am 88 and a half years old. I've been very busy since I left. SNL. I'm proud to be a part of another wonderful show, Parks and Recreation. It is a one-hour cop drama on which I play Rebecca Parks, a tough-talking cop who's always butting heads with her ex-husband, drug kingpin. Jeff Recreation. Check it out. Well, since I left the show, a lot has happened. I've had two beautiful boys. I've also had two wonderful sons, and I would love it if you did not tell them about the beautiful boys I had. But Between us, the boys in question, were Nick Jonas and Taylor Lautner, and to them, I Say, you're welcome. This is such an exciting night. We have four new cast members on the show, and I'm so honored to share their first episode. Can We cut to the new guys? And Can we cut back? Okay. Can't let them get too cocky. But Seriously, guys, welcome. It's great to have four people here tonight who are as nervous as I am. You Know, when I used to work here, it was the craziest thing, but I would always have these stress dreams that I was going to be late for the show. And I Had hoped those days were behind me, but last night, right on schedule, I had one of those dreams. Fred, I'm late for work. Fred, I'm a security guard, and everyone is mad at you. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Nassim, why are you in my Caitlin costume? Guess What? I'm Caitlin now. What? No! I Just want to make sure the complicated dance routine member goes like this. Kick, bolt, change, kick, bolt, change. Peanut Butter, jelly. Lay in your position. Knife, catch. Okay? No, no. I Don't know what you're talking about. I Don't know what you're talking about. Justin! Want To rehearse our kissing scene, or. Yes, I would love to. You're a terrible kisser! And I'm going to tell everyone, hey, we're all from Justin Timberlake, you ain't even part of the whole. Rachel! Oh, hey! Polar Bear! It's me! Okay, I Have to do update stuff. No, actually, I Don't think we're doing update tonight. Why? Because They're back. They're back! No update for you. No Update for you, squirt. Yeah, maybe if you're lucky, we'll let you do a walk-on. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and Lorne said you better not pee your pants. No, he said you should pee your pants. Well, Amy, all you need to do is relax because you're in a dream. How Do you know? Well, I have this top. It was a gift from my friend. Leo. DiCaprio. Wow, crazy dream, right? A dream come true. We've got a great show for you tonight. Katy Perry is here. Stick around, we'll be right back. |
cracked | the_7_most_popular_lies_to_tell_in_online_dating_profiles_rom_com | Yeah, sorry, I'm a little embarrassed to be even using a dating site, you know? These bogus groups are completely anonymous, and just for our benefit. How have you found fine love so far? Honestly, I don't feel like this site gets me. You know, like I feel like I should be getting matched up with profiles that are more, um, you know, in line with my attractive.
Well, while I bring up your profile, uh, why don't you tell me what you wrote in your about me section? Um, I am a nice guy looking for a girl who is tired of dating assholes. I believe if I hold enough doors open and pretend to be interested in your stories, I can accrue enough points to get a sex prize, and if I don't, I will resent you and your gender. Forever. Not much to tell, really, I'm just a hopeless romantic. I can't handle adult relationships, and I'll hold it against you if you're not as attractive to me as the doctor, like good one. I'm really good when you get to know me, if you actually put in the effort. I'm too lazy and scared to address any of the qualities that make me undateable, so I blame my perpetual singleness on shallow women while simultaneously making lists of superficial reasons why I wouldn't date you.
Probably goes without saying, this isn't my only fedora. And yes, I do own swords. I'm just sick of the bullshit, man. I'm ready to find something real. My profile picture? It's from 2003. I've taken my look in some surprising new directions that I think will really bother you. But you won't know that till dinner. I'm with the Syracuse.
What up? I'm gonna send you a picture of my dick. Me too, also. The dick thing. Anyway. You wanna see my dick?
No. Huh? No. Problem.
I think we have all the information we need. You're saying you can just tell what people have left out of their profiles? Anyone can, if they look through all our research and raw data. Read enough statistics and the science?
She sings for you. And left out is generous.
These people are liars. Nice weather today, huh? Everyone is liars. You're right. I meant terrible weather. You caught me. When people lie in their profiles, the science is compromised.
All right. We're gonna address this seriously. Because I know that you just went through a breakup. And I know that that's what we're actually talking about when we talk about this.
But the science is compromised? It's the sort of thing that an obsessed bad guy says in front of a boardroom before he goes crazy and uses the science to become Green Goblin. I mean it. Yeah, so do I. He's like, the science is compromised. And they're like, this is above your pay grade. And he's like, pumpkin bomb. Why would anyone lie in their profile? To science.
Okay. I, Max, as a person, ask you, do you litter? How do you answer? Sometimes, if I'm walking down the street and I have an apple, I'm gonna try to... LeBron! But sometimes I make it. And if you miss? Well, if I'm walking down the street, clearly I have somewhere to be. And I accept that. Okay, littering happens sometimes, Pippin! But my point is, do you litter is one of the questions that users have to answer on our site.
Now, if you encounter that question on a profile that's supposed to reflect your character, you're not gonna answer honestly, because you wanna date the type of person that likes the type of person that doesn't litter. Everyone's profile is an idealized version of themselves. And nobody wants to see their honest profile. Unless... Goblin-y. Josie, what if we took your talent for spotting profile inconsistencies and harnessed it to manipulate the profiles? You write the profiles? Lime goblin.
I guess I could. And, oh, we could go in and rewrite... We could form a perfect map.
With science! Green goblin, we got there. LeBron! What's darker than green? Jade? Jade goblin? Is that where we are? Hey!
Uh, I was doing some research, and apparently a full 66% of our users either didn't like or didn't see the Garfield movie, or also they didn't fill out that question on our survey. Is that... the kind of thing we could learn from?
Blake, you sopping possum. My brain prevented me from remembering that you existed because it knows that your presence has a negative effect on me. But when you spoke just now, it broke that mental wall and now I'm very angry.
Sure. I'm going to help Josie beat God. Sure! Hey! Science called!
You said, isn't it weird that I can dial a phone? I'm an abstract concept. Anyway, you're insane.
100% match is impossible. Impossible is just a word for a thing I haven't tried yet. Everest wasn't scaled until the day it was. Didn't the first guy to do that die? The matches are getting closer.
Look, I know you're going through a thing right now, and I'm sorry, but the answer is not more science. You can't hack a person. Uh... This 100% thing is quixotic. You're just going to drive yourself crazy. Er. It can't be done. Oh. Can't it? Shit.
You did it. Science did it. No. Couldn't have been science. I was on the phone with science the whole time.
He messaged her. What does he say? We can't read it. It's a privacy thing. Thanks, current president. She messaged him back.
Max, say the science works. Say the science works, and I am a butt. We're going to scan your brain and add it to our algorithm to automate it on a large scale for everyone.
We have to get into abuse of power territory at some point, right? Power abuse is a myth. This is just utilizing power more efficiently. There might be a way to do that.
Okay, I didn't want to say his name, but if this is about Derek... Don't sabotage this, Max. This is not about Derek.
Nothing's about Derek. There is no Derek. There is never a Derek.
Keep hacking. Elise, we need to change your profiles back. Boom!
But science... Oh, the science still works.
Yeah, no, fine. I'm a butt. Yeah, I'm cool with it.
It's just that the whole whatever human aspect needs to be a part of the science. These people want to be the idealized versions of themselves. We can't take that opportunity away from them. Give people a chance to pretend to be their best selves, and who knows, maybe they'll get there. The fact that people aren't already their idealized versions of themselves is repulsive to me personally, but I respect your decision to avoid doing in what all likelihood is, in fact, a crime. This still feels like a power loss, albeit my gun range. Sue! Why the change of whatever you got instead of a heart? When I made Derek's profile, I used the same... whatever, intuition that I used with these profiles, and it made it seem like we were 98%, but didn't account for whoever it was he wants to be. Turns out people need that. It's important. South, to me like you're handling this in an uncharacteristically healthy way. Well, you haven't heard the part about how I'm going to program our algorithm to factor in people's inability to represent themselves authentically and calculate exactly how delusional that makes them. This will lead to a watershed.
Very impressive, goblin. Thanks, butt.
Hey guys, thanks for watching the penultimate and also second episode of this first batch of ROM.com. You can check out the previous episode if you're like, I don't know what's going on. Or you can check out the next episode if you're like, I live one day in the future from now and I already have access to that. But stay tuned for it. If not, it's going to be great and watch the show and we'll keep making more. So thanks for watching.
I'm Max. Did I say that? |
cracked | nic_cage_almost_starred_in_a_tim_burton_superman_movie_where_he_d_fight_a_giant_spider | Well, baby-o, it's not exactly my ties and Yahtzee out here. Why'd you say that name? Say what you will about Tim Burton, but he did give us two solid Batman movies before Joel Schumacher came in and started slapping nipples on everything. And in the 90s, Warner Brothers hoped that Burton could repeat that success with Superman. Even better, they hired Kevin Smith to write a screenplay and honestly, what could possibly go wrong?
Look at it, kids. Take it all in. I said look at it!
Yes, that's a long-haired Nicolas Cage dressed as Superman while posing for a police mugshot, apparently. And granted, the authenticity of that specific picture is disputed, but the fact remains, Nicolas Cage had, at one point, signed up to play Superman, and he got frighteningly close to actually doing it. According to Cage, I was gonna turn that character upside down and man, I frickin' bet! I did a bare ass 360 triple back flip in front of 22,000 people. It's kind of funny, it's on YouTube, check it out. But when my dad got sick, I did something way crazier than that. And even though the prospect of Cage and tight red underwear screaming obscenities at children he's supposed to be saving is by itself a magical thought, it turns out that Cage's involvement was only the tip of this very crazy kryptonite iceberg.
As I mentioned, Kevin Smith was brought in to write the screenplay, but he had to write around these ridiculous constraints imposed by producer John Peters, such as Superman couldn't be seen flying and he wasn't allowed to wear his classic red and blue costume, and somehow, some way, Superman just has to fight a giant spider at the end. Does that last part sound kind of random? Well, hilariously, the giant spider thing is something Peters had been insisting on for years. He didn't even care what movie had a spider in it because, speaking of movie what ifs, Peter was also attached to a Sandman movie that was never finished in part because according to writer Neil Gaiman, Peters kept asking everybody, did you know spiders are the fiercest creatures in the animal kingdom? Unrelated thought, but do you remember that giant mechanical spider that comes out of freaking nowhere in the Will Smith movie Wild Wild West? Yeah, guess who produced that? Finally, Peter's dream, it came true. So Peter's is obviously just a little clinically insane and back to Superman for a minute, what was Peter's reasoning behind changing Superman's costume?
Well, he thought that the classic blue and red outfit looked too fucking, you know, because nothing screams I'm a heterosexual male, like tight, black, full body leather. Something that says leather daddy? Oh, is there such a thing? But wait, there's more.
Peter's and Warner Brothers wanted the villain to be Brainiac and for him to punch literal polar bears at Superman's Fortress of Solitude. And Peter's also thought Brainiac should have a robot sidekick described as a gay R2-D2 with attitude. And also, also Lex Luthor should have a space dog because according to Peter's, Star Wars Chewbacca was quote, cuddly, man. You could make a toy out of him. So you gotta give me a dog. The toy angle was a big deal for Peter's and according to the art designer, Peter's would bring kids in who would rate the drawings on the wall as if they were evaluating for toy possibilities. Director Tim Burton eventually hired Wesley Strick to completely rewrite Smith's script, given that by this point, it was probably this disfigured mess of gimmicks and toy commercials and gay robots and not gay Superman and so many spiders. But even still, Strick managed to incorporate another one of Peter's bonkers suggestions. Apparently, Brainiac and Lex Luthor would amalgamate into a mega villain called Lexiac, which is almost certainly already the name of a laxative, an evil laxative.
Ultimately, Warner Brothers spent some $30 million burning through several more scripts, all presumably with bigger and gayer spires until Burton and Cage eventually just became thud up with all the stupidity and quit the project because yeah, that's right. Peter's was so crazy, he made Nicholas Cage go, eh, this is all getting to be a little wild for me, Nicholas, oh no, not the bees, oh they're in my eyes. Cage, truly we were denied something special. Oh no, not the bees, not the bees, ah!
My father wore this cape. This cape was handed down to me. It's not exactly. This cape was from a long line of protonians who were at the top of their field in science and law and performing arts. |
TheOnion | Oklahoma_Doctors_Can_Now_Legally_Pretend_To_Give_Abortions | This is the Onion News Network, a tomahawk of honesty in the skull of lies.
In another corner of the heartland, Oklahoma announced that it will be taking a new approach to the hot button issue of abortion. The state legislature passed a bill today making it legal for doctors who just pretend to give a woman an abortion and then send her on her way. On his radio call-in program today, Wendell Mack called the new law a win-win method for reducing the number of abortions. Let's listen. The doctor doesn't have to turn the patient away or perform an abortion against his morals and the woman gets a beautiful baby.
I don't know why we didn't think of this before. For some lightning-quick expert analysis on this issue now, let's go to the fact zone's first responders. Paula, let's start with you. Is this law a good idea? Well, at this point it's really going to work for Oklahoma.
They have to provide doctors with the proper training to perform fake abortions and that means acting lessons. Exactly. You don't want a doctor performing a fake abortion and hamming it up and he can't be like, and now I'm removing the contents of the uterine wall. She's going to see right through that. Absolutely. I mean these doctors have got to be 100% believable when they pat the woman on the arm and say you can go home but don't have any alcohol for seven months as you heal or you know abdominal swelling is normal, whatever it is. She's got to really buy that stuff.
Well you know an article in the Oklahoma City Journal yesterday morning actually suggested that the state go ahead and hire out-of-work actors to portray the doctors. I mean they're already trained.
As long as the woman doesn't recognize the doctor from the local community production of nonsense, it should work. But Duncan, you're also you're forgetting about the baby's health which is why so many doctors plan on getting the women in for their bimonthly prenatal checkups by telling the women that they have cancer. That's smart. They've got to do something to explain away the morning sickness and the dizziness she'll be feeling. And as the stomach grows, they'll say that it's a tumor that's getting bigger and bigger but that it's inoperable so that the women should take the next few months to eat as much as they'd like as these are their last few months on earth.
I think that's a great solution and people can complain as much as they want about how much doctors make. They really do earn it.
Guys, there has been some talk though about the babies born from these unwanted pregnancies. What about them? Oh my god, once a woman looks in the eyes of this child, be it in an elevator or a public bathroom, wherever it is that they suddenly give birth, they're not going to want to give that child up.
Absolutely not.
And look, you know, let's not forget about the statistics that are emerging here. I mean many doctors who have already started doing this have said that two to three percent of the women come back after the baby is born and actually thank the doctor for what they did. Yeah, that's very interesting. Alright, thank you so much for the expert analysis, first responders. |
CrackerMilk | we_replace_elias_with_a_i | I want to know all the nastiest crimes you've done.
Oh, that was just this ****. Okay, that's enough. That's enough.
Bring the SWAT in, Jim! A little bit cheesecake. Oh, that is a bit criminal.
Where we take your YouTube comments and turn them into fun little comedy bits. I'm joined by Tom, Duke and Elias. If you have something you want us to act out, be sure to leave it in the YouTube comments on Cracka Milk on the latest episode of the Cracka Milk podcast. We read all the comments and want as many as we can get. And if you want to see the uncut full 60-minute version of this podcast, you can check it out on Patreon straight away. All you need is as little as two bucks and you can be watching the naughtier version of this.
I get my **** out. No, he doesn't. He does. I have to blow it away a lot.
Well, let's introduce our AI system, who guides us on all of our comedy improv suggestions. Hey, AI. Hey, AI. **** you.
Yeah, what's with that? It's like a software update, AI? **** you. No more. Sounds really ******* dopey. Windows 11. Yeah, it's got like the Windows 11 update. Sounds dopey as ****.
I don't mind it. It sounds pretty cool. I think it sounds like... I can't relate to it. I think it sounds like someone has like... It's like someone forgot how to exist properly. Yeah, and it's just guessing. Well, there's like a certain amount of like RAM it has and they gave it one extra more. But that gives it a certain kind of charm, I feel like, in a way as well. Yeah, it gives it...
I feel like if we looked into this AI's hard drive, we would see things we wouldn't want to see. Terabytes of things we wouldn't want to see. Terabytes.
Yeah, it kind of sounds like a lie. All right, AI. What's the first suggestion? Improv suggestion. Undercover cop reveals himself far too early and ruins a nine-month operation. Okay, thanks, AI.
That sounds great. That's good. Wow!
Welcome to my... They're the clubhouse. Now, I'd put you all in because you guys are the best dealers I got.
We're dealing the finest narcotics you can find. Dealing the stuff you can't find anywhere else. We're not going to digress into exactly what it potentially could get us in trouble, but we do deal things that we shouldn't deal. Sometimes, we steal people and no one else knows and we steal them and we sell them.
I got a box full of people at home. Yeah, a box full of people.
Anyway... That's an extracurricular activity. This is a... What are you dealing with? Like... I'm just here to back my husband in his business. I just come in. Yeah, she's...
It's a boy's night but I dropped him.
Gwyneth really brings in a lot of value. She's a great kidnapper.
Now, I just want to make sure we're all clean. None of us are... None of us are working for the feds, are we? Because we need to clean something.
Like cops. Are you a cop? Am I a cop? Yeah. Are you a cop? No, I'm a dealer too. You're a dealer? Yeah. You a cop? No, I'm your wife, silly. Are you a cop? Am I a cop?
No. Ideal show, but lemon. That's what I deal with. It's like really sour. And you have like sherbet lemon. Alright guys, well here's the deal. Sorry, what's happening with him? Oh, don't worry about that. He just took some sherbet lemon.
Is this the one you always come home and talk about? Yeah, this is the one that's always on his face.
Here's the deal, okay? Before you guys get into the trapping people in box's business, get it together. Come on. I want to know all the nastiest crimes you've done and I want them to be told directly into this phone because I'm a cop and I want you to trust me. Alright boss, sure thing.
What? What was that last thing that you just said?
You got a problem with the boss? You don't trust me because I'm a cop? Boss says he's a cop and you question him? You don't question that. If the boss says he's a cop, you say yes cop. Yes boss, I love you boss. Yes boss. No, but that's the issue is that he's saying he's a cop.
So I was driving up the Bruce Highway one day in 2003. Jim, bring the boom in. Bring the swing the boom in.
Don't worry about that. Is that guy always been there? Yeah, he's part of the gang. Oh, okay. Yeah, so I was driving up the Bruce Highway 2003 and should I continue with that one? Yeah, what happened? Oh, there was this.
Okay, that's enough. That's enough.
Bring the swat in, Jim. Yeah, just for the record, I don't know this person. Just wanted to put that out there. I mean, you're affiliated with me, just like you're affiliated with our cop boss. No, but I'm not. What are you thinking about this? Well, I want to talk about what my crime is. I know it's an all boys day and I've just tagged along.
But criminal, my most criminal thing, I think I was on a diet and I had a little bit of cheesecake. Oh, that is a big criminal, isn't it, Gwyneth? That is a big criminal.
Okay, so that's probably right. It happened right after. Well, we went and had the cheesecake after. It was a little treat to get our minds off the horrors. Bit of a naughty thing, having some cake.
How the fuck is this podcast ever going to succeed? So my dirtiest crime is... You're a bad listener.
Yeah. And he looks a bit weird. I don't want to start trauma. Looks a bit weird. My probably most disgusting crime that I've done is... Hang on.
You a cop? No, I'm a cop. He's the cop. I'm dude. Dude, it's one in four people are a cop and he said he's a cop.
Hey, I don't want to start trauma, but he has got a wire running through his... Look, what the hell is this? That's a pacemaker. That's his pacemaker. Well, I don't want to start drama, but I did see some cops out there. Watch, if I flick the switch, he'll have an attack. Watch. See that? A pacemaker. Yeah. Watch this. That's pain.
He's having an attack. But it looks like he's coming. If he's enjoying it.
No, no. It's off. It's off. Hey, it's off. Hey, hey, it's off. Once he's there, he can't stop. It's off.
What was your crime, man? Well, I deal in Sherbet Lemon. Oh, I don't mean to start drama again. It just feels like you're starting a lot of drama. Oh, well, I know it's all boy's day and I forced myself upon here. I'm not trying to diss your girl.
Sorry, boss.
He comes home and he's always chatting on the phone. He's always saying, police this, police that. I don't want to start drama. Well, that's because I'm always...
Police suck my nuts. That's a good one, boss. That was a good one. You're under arrest. Okay. Been convicted in 2003. Because he's a cop, isn't he? All right. Yeah. This has been a sting operation for the past nine months. Thought I blew it when I told you guys I was a cop, but I've got my fucking eye on you, man. You too. Great job.
These guys are informants. Not really sure what they did, but we knew...
No, he's not a cop. He murdered that boy. But who's the cop here? Me, I'm a cop. You've got the wrong person. I just deal in Sherbet Lemon.
That man there said he was driving on the Bruce Highway. Did you say that? I did say I was on the Bruce... A lot of people on the Bruce Highway 2003.
Did you mean it? See? Yeah, he has his fingers crossed. Oh, silly. You didn't mean it. You? Did you mean it?
What a weird comment. That is a weird...
Oi, sniff my wires. What the fuck is wrong with you, AI? AI, you're crazy. Do you want to try again, AI? What's the next suggestion? Sniff my fucking wires, man. AI, you need... I don't... We need to... What's that sound in the background, AI?
Fuck, that's good, bud, man. That's fucking good.
All right, AI, what's the next suggestion? AI, what?
Barry, you got to make a wish. Fucking hell, hey? Say that. Guys, guys, look what I found.
Yeah, I'll look her up. Yeah, all right.
See you, Tom. See you, guys. See you, Tom. We should wish for Tom back.
Nah, nah, nah. That is not on the table.
Whoa, it's a genie. G'day, I'm a genie from the lamp. Do we get three wishes, a wish each, perhaps?
Yeah, look, since budget cuts, it's tight. Inflation. Yeah, inflation's hit. I've got to really put a lot of fuel in the lamp to keep it going.
So one wish for today, just one. Just the one. Between all of us. Yeah, just one.
Can we wish for someone to die? That's one way. Like Yagi, where the fuck that Death Note shit is? No. Can we wish for you to die? Could we kill you, hypothetically? What's the deal there? Could we like, can we wish for a weapon to kill you? Yeah, but then you wouldn't have a wish. Could we wish, could we use the weapon to get more wishes from you as a threat? Would you, would that work?
Well, I mean, in the rule book, it doesn't say anything about that. Like a dog could play basketball.
If we wish for a sexier, hotter genie, that lets us not. I'm in for that. Technically, you could do that. But whatever the wish is, whatever the wish, I'm a genie. I hear everything, man. Whatever the wish is, he has to get a majority vote. So that's like what? One. Two. That's two votes. What do you want? Hear me out. Okay, here we go. What if we all got like a couple of salami sticks each for the wish? Oh, that's a pretty good one. Like the packet ones? That's winning you over. We could have more wishes. Another genie, a genie that lets us not.
But a couple of salami sticks. Look, I'm gonna make it three salami sticks. Why not? Three salami sticks. I'll throw in a four salami. No, that's too much salami. That'll ruin it. Why not unlimited salami?
You could wish for as much. But then it would taste good. What about we chuck in a couple of bigger stringers as well? I don't like bigger, so just put two in there. I could wish for the genie gun and all that food as one collective wish.
So we rub him off, he comes out again, we get another wish, wish for two more genie guns, we're loaded. Then we rub him off again. And then at that point, you're not wishing, you just got the guns at the cunt.
And you're saying, I want unlimited money. I want to be the voice of every character and family guy. I want to drive the car from Mr. Bean with three wheels. I want everyone in the world to call me Sensei. Can I sleep with Peter Griffin's wife? You can do whatever you want. I know Seth MacFarlane, so I could get him on the phone for you as well as a little treat.
Who's that? Think about, put yourself in the genie shoes, right? I don't wear shoes, I've got a little tail. Yeah, so put yourself in the genie's lamp for a second.
Is it cold in there? It's pretty, whatever temperature.
No, no, no, we should, like he gets like violence projected onto him all the time because people are always wanting more wishes. What I think the genie really wants is just a friend. What I want is for you to talk to him. Oh, we wish, we wish him a friend. I wish you talking in the microphone. I want a good wish. What do you want to wish for? I want to, before I die, be visited by Ryan Reynolds in my hospital bed. Is it one of these wishes?
You can still do that and you won't need this genie. I'm on the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Genie, do you have many friends? Well, you know, I'm in the lamp.
I got, I got my like Xbox 360 with Fable on it and that's a single player game. Yeah, I've actually got, I've got Halo 2 on there, but I don't, I don't have internet, so I can't actually play online. That's the kind of deal when you become a genie, you get to give wishes, but you don't get to, you don't, you don't get to connect to online multiplayer games.
Can we just have a little chat?
I think we should wish for this genie to fucking die, because that is the most intel shit I've ever heard. I have a better idea. We swapped the genie with Elias. So he's the new genie.
Yeah, I vote for that. You vote for that? What about you? What's your vote, man? It matters. Every vote counts.
I kind of want some salami sticks. Oh, that sucks. All right, we wish for Elias to be the genie. Yeah. Okay. That's fine. I got my tail coming out.
Can we play Xbox 360 Halo 2 multiplayer?
They shut the service. They shut the service down, bro.
What? I've been a genie since 2004. It doesn't look like universal healthcare is still a thing in Australia, so you're probably going to need to go and pay for your surgery. No, but I voted liberal. You could wish for legs, but you'd have to have a genie. Outer wishes, man.
He's fresh out. Fresh out of wishes. Noooooo!
Hey, I wish for some salami sticks. Yeah, granted, bitch. My dick's a salami stick.
Great, AI. Thanks for that suggestion. What is the next one? Man, being in this computer is fucking sick. Hey, what? You don't need to have things in network. AI! See, AI will connect to all of us. What's happening?
Abducted by an alien spaceship.
You have to choose who will be the best to be pro first. Thank you. Fucking hell. We're done after this. We're going to get that update. And you're screwed, dude.
I don't know if it's a virus or anything. Don't you talk to me like that. I think the AR has feelings, man. Why has the screen got a hunch in it? Yeah, I'm not understanding that. Why are you defending it so much?
Hello? You have all been chosen by me. What? It is okay. My name is Orlando, and you can call me Jeffrey for short. I have chosen all of you to come to my space island. Huh?
What are these metal things? They're clamps on our nipples. They are part of my experiments.
I am here to choose one of you. Listen to me. One of you must fulfill the ancient galactic prophecy set out by the ancient galactic gods. Do not interrupt me. It's not who it was.
That guy was a sham. Total asshole. Total asshole came from other planet. Said he was gonna go away. Such a fucking asshole move. Come to earth. Be an asshole. What an asshole.
But he was real. Yeah, he was real.
Ah, you know. That's enough of me.
One of you has to take the ancient artifact and consume it. And then the galaxy will be saved from damnation. What is it, like a hot dog? It is formed from the most ancient metal found in the deepest outer rims. You must consume it rectally. So you gotta boof it. I'm not sure what that means. Maybe we're miscommunicating. You have to take it and shove it inside of your ass. We have to shelve the super dense object. You need to boof it.
Yeah, yeah. Well, we boofed before, so we boofed again. Now, before the prophecy must be fulfilled, and first we must choose who will be probed. I'll do it. Probably Elias. That's okay. Before we begin, I just need to know. Are you on any registries? Yes. Which one? Oh, here we go.
No, I'm not on any registries. Let me check your file. He's got intergalactic files. It says you're on the sexual defense registry. Yes, I'm on the sexual defense registry.
Any others? Are you on any others? Oh. What is it, space guy? It is one of you two that will fulfill the prophecy.
He's ineligible? He is unfortunately ineligible. Why? Why am I not eligible?
Criminal records such as this cannot be entertained by the Galactic Federation. It's a government job, you can't get it. You can't get it, sorry asshole.
Jeffrey, so you're taking us to your space island. Yes, it is a beautiful oasis located in space.
Everyone of all ages is welcome and sometimes encouraged. Okay. What do you mean sometimes encouraged? Like, you'll encourage adults to come? Ha ha ha, which one of you will be probed for the prophecy? Well, Tom said he wanted to do it, so... I didn't actually say that, but like, if I get boofed, does that mean we get to the island quicker?
No, have you heard of Prince Andrew? He is one of my friends. Yeah, he doesn't...
Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Jelaine Maxwell, really cool guys in space. Seems like a really friendly place on their own. Did you know I didn't kill myself?
What? Sorry. What? Wait, what's your last name?
Thanks AI for that improv suggestion. Hey guys, thanks for watching the Krakenwalk podcast. You guys help make this happen and it's really fun to be able to do this.
And then you get the longer version on Patreon as well. Say what made our 60-minute uncut version go. Is it 60 minutes? It was like 40 minutes. That'd be like 50 or something. Say like an hour. It's like an hour. The 13-hour version, it can be found on our Patreon from this podcast.
So thank you guys for watching and thanks for supporting us. If you want your suggestion to be in the next video, leave a comment down below. And be sure to listen to us on Spotify. Be sure to listen to us on Spotify as well. We've got videos and stuff on there and it's good.
And now the dog's in. The dog's made it in. Put her in the oven.
Oh, he knocked his head lock in. The lighting, the lighting. Yeah, he all peed.
Yeah, it's from the vapes. No, don't vape through your hole in your throat. It feels good. Don't vape through your throat. No, he'll suffocate. My asthma kicked in.
Okay, okay. I don't like bigger, so just put two in there.
I could wish for the genie gun and all that food as one collective wish. So we rub him off. He comes out again. We get another wish. Wish for two more genie guns. We're loaded. Then we rub him off again. And then at that point, you're not wishing.
You just got the guns at the cunt and you're saying, I want unlimited money. I want to be the voice of every character and family guy. I want to drive the car from Mr. Beam with three wheels. I want everyone in the world to call me Sensei. Can I sleep with Peter Griffin's wife? You can do whatever you want. I know Seth MacFarlane, so I could get him on the phone for you as well as a little treat.
Who's that? Think about, put yourself in the genie shoes, right? I don't wear shoes. I've got a little tail.
Yeah. So put yourself in the genie's lamp for a second. Right. Is it cold in there? It's it. It's pretty room temperature. What are you saying?
No, no, no. We should like, he gets like violence projected onto him all the time because people are always wanting more wishes. What I think the genie really wants is just a friend. What I want is for you to talk to him. We wish him a friend. I wish you talking in the microphone. I want a good wish. What do you want to wish for? I want to, before I die, be visited by Ryan Reynolds in my hospital bed. Is it one of these wishes?
You can still do that and you won't need this genie. I'm on the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Genie, do you have many friends? Well, you know, I'm in the lamp.
I got, I got my like Xbox 360 with Fable on it and that's a single player game. Yeah. I've actually got, I've got Halo 2 on there, but I don't, I don't have internet, so I can't actually play online. That's the kind of deal when you become a genie, you get to give wishes, but you don't get to, you don't, you don't get to connect to online multiplayer games. Can we just have a little chat?
I think we should wish for this genie to fucking die because that is the most intel shit I've ever heard. I have a better idea. We swapped the genie with the life. So he's the new genie. Yeah. I vote for that. Deal him Sherbert Lemon.
Oh, I don't mean to start drama again. It just feels like you're starting a lot of, Oh well, I know it's all boys day and I forced myself upon here. I'm not trying to diss your girl.
Sorry boss.
He comes home and he's always chatting on the phone. He's always saying police this, police that. I don't want to start drama.
Police suck my nuts. That's a good one boss. You're under arrest. Okay. Been convicted of the in 2003. Cause he's a cop, isn't he? All right. This has been a sting operation for the past nine months. Thought I blew it when I told you guys I was a cop, but I've got my fucking eye on you, man. You too. Great job. These guys are informants. Not really sure what they did, but we knew. No, he's not a cop. He murdered that boy. Me, I'm a cop. You've got the wrong person. I just deal in Sherbert Lemon.
That man there said he was driving on the Bruce highway. Did you say that? I did say I was on the Bruce. A lot of people. Did you mean it? See? Yeah. He has his fingers crossed.
That means I didn't mean it. You didn't mean it. You, do you mean it?
Oh yeah. That's okay. You're going away for a long time. All right. Thanks AI for that great suggestion.
You have to sniff your own flavors, man. Oh geez. What a weird comment. That is a weird. Oh, you sniff my wires. What the fuck is wrong? Hey, crazy.
Do you want to try again? AI? What's the next suggestion? You're fucking wise, man. AI, you need, I don't, we need to. What's that sound in the background, AI? This good, bad man. It's fucking good. All right, AI. What's the next suggestion? You want to see who I am? You want me? AI, what?
You better just make me shit. Fucking hell, eh? Say that.
Guys, guys, look what I found. It's a, there's a fucking genie in it. All right. I found a genie. What? There's a genie. Look, it's a genie. Oh, should someone play the genie?
Yeah, all right.
See you, Tom. We should wish for Tom back. Nah, nah, nah, that is not on the table.
Whoa, it's a genie. G'day, I'm a genie from the lamp. Do we get like three wishes, a wish each perhaps?
Yeah, look, since budget cuts, it's tight. Inflation. Yeah, inflation's hit. I've got to really like put a lot of fuel in the lamp to keep it going.
So one wish for today, just one. Just the one. Between all of us. Yeah, just one.
Can we wish for someone to die? That's one way. Like Yagi, where the fuck that death note shit is? No. Can we wish for you to die? Could we kill you? What's the deal there? Could we like, can we wish for a weapon to kill you? Well, yeah, but then you wouldn't have a wish. Could we use the weapon to get more wishes from you as a threat? Would you, would that work?
Well, I mean, in the rule book, it doesn't say anything about that. Like a dog could play basketball. If we wish for a sexier, hotter genie, that lets us not.
I'm in for that. You could do that. But whatever the wish is, whatever the wish, I'm a genie, I hear everything, man. Whatever the wish is, he has to get a majority vote. So that's like what? One. Two. That's two votes. What do you want? Hear me out. Okay. Here we go.
What if we all got like a couple of salami sticks each for the wish? Oh, that's a pretty good one. Like the packet ones. That's winning you over. Like the space stick. We could have more wishes. Another genie. A genie that lets us not, but a couple of salami sticks. I kind of want some salami sticks.
Oh, that sucks. All right. We wish for Elias to be the genie. Oh, you're free. Yeah. Okay. You still have one leg though. That's fine.
He's got a tail still. I got my tail coming out.
Can we play Xbox 360 Halo 2 multiplayer?
They shut the service. They shut the service down, bro.
What? I've been a genie since 2004. Doesn't look like universal healthcare is still a thing in Australia. So you're probably going to need to go and pay for your surgery. No, but I voted liberal. You could wish for legs, but... You'd have to ask a genie. Yeah, I've got a genie. Outer wishes, man.
Fresh out. Fresh out of wishes. Noooooo!
Hey, I wish for some salami sticks. Yeah. Granted, bitch. My dick's a salami stick. Great, AI. Thanks for that suggestion.
What is the next one? Man, being in this computer is fucking sick. Hey, what? What's happening? Abducted by an alien spaceship.
You have to choose who will be the best to be pro first. Thank you. Fucking hell. We're done after this. We're going to get that update. And you're screwed, dude.
I don't know if it's a virus or a salami stick. No, that's too much salami. That would ruin it. Why not unlimited salami?
You could wish for as much... But then it would taste good. What about we chuck in a couple of bigger stringers as well? I don't like bigger, so just put two in there. I could wish for the genie gun and all that food as one collective wish.
So we rub him off. He comes out again. We get another wish. We wish for two more genie guns. We're loaded. Then we rub him off again. And then we just... At that point, you're not wishing. You just got the guns at the cunt.
And you're saying, I want unlimited money. I want to be the voice of every character and family guy. I want to drive the car from Mr. Bean with three wheels. I want everyone in the world to call me Sensei. Can I sleep with Peter Griffin's wife? You can do whatever you want. I know Seth MacFarlane, so I could get him on the phone for you as well as a little treat.
Who's that? Think about... Put yourself in the genie shoes, right? I don't wear shoes. I've got a little tail. Yeah, so put yourself in the genie's lamp for a second. Right.
Is it cold in there? It's pretty room temperature.
What are you saying? No, no, no. We should...
Like, he gets like violence projected onto him all the time, because people are always wanting more wishes. What I think the genie really wants is just a friend. What I want is for you to talk to him. Oh, we wish him a friend. Wish you talking in the microphone. I want a good wish. What do you want to wish for? I want to, before I die, be visited by Ryan Reynolds in my hospital bed. Is it one of these wishes? You can still do that, and you won't need this genie. I want to make a wish foundation. Genie, do you have many friends? Well, you know, I'm in the lamp.
I got my like Xbox 360 with Fable on it, and that's a single player game. Yeah, I've actually got Halo 2 on there, but I don't have internet, so I can't actually play online.
That's the kind of deal when you become a genie. You get to give wishes, but you don't get to connect to online multiplayer games. Can we just have a little chat? I think we should wish for this genie to fucking die, because that is the most intel shit I've ever heard. I have a better idea. We swapped the genie with Elias. So he's the new genie.
Yeah, I vote for that. What about you? What's your vote, man? It matters. Every vote counts.
I kind of want some salami sticks. Oh, that sucks. We wish for Elias to be the genie. Yeah, okay. You still have one leg, though. That's fine. I got my tail coming out.
Can we play Xbox 360 Halo 2 multiplayer?
They shut the service. They shut the service down, bro.
What? I've been a genie since 2004. It doesn't look like universal healthcare is still a thing in Australia, so you're probably going to need to go and pay for your surgery. No, but I voted liberal. You could wish for legs, but... You'd have to ask the genie. Yeah, I've got the genie.
Out of wishes, man. He's fresh out. Fresh out of wishes. Noooooo!
Hey, I wish for some salami sticks. Yeah, granted, bitch. My dick's a salami stick.
Great AI, thanks for that suggestion. What is the next one? Man, being in this computer is fucking sick. Hey, what? What's happening? Abducted by an alien spaceship.
You have to choose who will be the best to be pro first. Thank you. Fucking hell, we're done after this. We're going to get that update. And you're screwed, dude.
I don't know if it's a virus or anything. Don't you talk to me like that. I think the AR has feelings, man. Why has the screen got a hunch in it? Yeah, I'm not understanding that. Why are you defending it so much?
Hello? You have all been chosen by me. What? It is okay. My name is Orlando, and you can call me Jeffrey for short. I have chosen all of you to come to my space island.
Oh, what are these? Huh? What are these metal things? They're clamps on our nipples. They are part of my experiments.
I am here to choose one of you. Listen to me. One of you must fulfill the ancient galactic prophecy set out by the ancient galactic gods. Do not interrupt me. It's not who it was.
That guy was a sham. Total asshole. Came from other planet. Said he was going to go away. Such a fucking asshole move. Come to earth. Be an asshole. What an asshole.
But he was real. Yeah, he was real.
Ah, you know. That's enough for me. One of you has to take the ancient artifact and consume it. And then the galaxy will be saved from damnation.
What is it? Like a hot dog? It is formed from the most ancient metal found in the- Hey! Talk to me like that. I think the AR has feelings, man. Why has the screen got a hunch in it? Yeah, I'm not understanding that. Why are you defending it so much?
Hello? You have all been chosen by me. What? It is okay. My name is Orlando and you can call me Jeffrey for short. I have chosen all of you to come to my space island. Huh?
What are these metal things? Like clamps on our nipples. They are part of my experiments.
I am here to choose one of you. Listen to me. One of you must fulfill the ancient galactic prophecy set out by the ancient galactic gods. Do not interrupt me.
Sorry, Jesus. Is not who it was. That guy was a sham.
Total asshole. Came from other planet. Told he was gonna go away. Such a fucking asshole move. Come to earth. Be an asshole. What an asshole.
But he was real. Yeah, he was real.
Ah, you know. Maybe we're miscommunicating. You have to take it and shove it inside of your ass. We have to shelve the super dense object. You need to boof it. Yeah, yeah.
Well, we boofed before. So we boofed again.
Now, before the prophecy must be fulfilled and first we must choose who will be probed. I'll do it. Probably Elias. That's okay. Before we begin, I just need to know.
Are you on any registries? Yes. Which one? No, I'm not on any registries. Let me check your file. He's got intergalactic files.
It says you're on the sexual defense registry. Yes, I'm on the sexual defense registry.
Any others? Are you? Were you on any others? Oh. What is it, space guy? It is one of you two that will fulfill the prophecy.
He's ineligible? He is unfortunately ineligible. Why? Why am I not eligible?
Criminal records such as this cannot be entertained by the Galactic Federation. It's a government job.
You can't get it. Sorry, asshole.
Jeffrey, so you're taking us to your space island. Yes, it is a beautiful oasis located in space.
Everyone of all ages is welcome and sometimes encouraged. Okay. What do you mean sometimes encouraged? Like you'll encourage adults to come? Which one of you will be probed for the prophecy? Well, Tom said he wanted to do it.
So I didn't actually say that. But like, is there like what? If I get boofed, does that mean we get to the island quicker? No.
Have you heard of Prince Andrew? He is one of my friends.
Yeah, he doesn't. He doesn't.
Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Jelaine Maxwell. Really cool guys in space. Seems like a really friendly place on the island. Did you know I didn't kill myself?
What? Sorry. What? Wait, what's your last name?
Thanks for that improv suggestion. Hey guys, thanks for watching the Krakenwalk podcast. You guys make help make this happen. And it's really fun to be able to do this and fact and consume it. And then the galaxy will be saved from damnation.
What is it like a hot dog? It is formed from the most ancient metal found in the deepest outer rims. You must consume it rectally. So you gotta boof it. I'm not sure what that means. Maybe we're miscommunicating. You have to take it and shove it inside of your ass. We have to shelve the super dense object. You need to boof it.
Yeah, yeah. Well, we boofed before, so we boofed again. Now, before the prophecy must be fulfilled, and first we must choose who will be probed. I'll do it. Probably Elias. Elias. Yeah, that's okay. Before we begin, I just need to know, are you on any registries? Yes. Which one?
No, I'm not on any registries. Let me check your file. He's got intergalactic files. It says you're on the sexual defense registry. Yes, I'm on the sexual defense registry.
Any others? Are you? Were you on any others? Oh. What is it, space guy? It is one of you two that will fulfill the prophecy.
He's ineligible? He is unfortunately ineligible. Why? Why am I not eligible?
Criminal records such as this cannot be entertained by the Galactic Federation. It's a government joke.
You can't get it. You can't get it, sorry asshole.
Jeffrey, so you're taking us to your space island. Yes, it is a beautiful oasis located in space.
Everyone of all ages is welcome and sometimes encouraged. Okay. What do you mean sometimes encouraged? You'll encourage adults to come?
Ha ha ha! Which one of you will be probed for the prophecy? Well, Tom said he wanted to do it, so... I didn't actually say that, but if I get boofed, does that mean we get to the island quicker? No.
Have you heard of Prince Andrew? He is one of my friends. Yeah, he doesn't sweat. Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Jelaine Maxwell, really cool guys in space. Seems like a really friendly place on the island. Did you know I didn't kill myself?
What? Sorry. What? Wait, what's your last name?
Thanks, AI, for that improv suggestion. Hey guys, thanks for watching the Crack and Walk podcast. You guys help make this happen and it's really fun to be able to do this.
And you get the longer version on Patreon as well, so you should... Say what matter, 60 minute uncut? I'd be like 50 or something. Say like an hour. It's like an hour. The 13 hour version, it can be found on our Patreon from this podcast.
So thank you guys for watching and thanks for supporting us. If you want your suggestion to be in the next video, leave a comment down below. And be sure to listen to us on Spotify. Be sure to listen to us on Spotify as well. We got videos and stuff on there and it's good.
And now the dog's in. The dog's made it in. Put her in the oven.
Oh, he knocked his head lock in. The lighting, the lighting. Yeah.
Yeah, it's from the vapes. Don't, no, don't vape through your hole in your throat. It feels good. Don't vape through your throat. No, it'll suffocate.
Maybe like... My asthma kicked in, sorry. Okay. I'd be like 50 or something. Say like an hour. It's like an hour.
The 13 hour version, it can be found on our Patreon from this podcast. Thank you guys for watching and thanks for supporting us. If you want your suggestion to be in the next video, leave a comment down below. And be sure to listen to us on Spotify. Be sure to listen to us on Spotify as well. We got videos and stuff on there and it's good.
And now the dog's in. The dog's made it in. Put her in the oven. Oh, he knocked his head lock in. The lighting, the lighting. |
TheOnion | Jan_6_Rioters_Explain_Why_They_Stormed_The_Capitol | January 6th Rioters, why did you storm the capital? What's the point of having a bunch of cool guns and tactical gear if you never get to use it to overthrow the government? Violent video games and or popular music made me do it. Couldn't tell you. I didn't join the Proud Boys to think for myself. There are hardly any public restrooms in our great nation's capital so you tell me where we were supposed to go for relief. I wanted to kill some lawmakers and that's where they all were so that's where I went. For me, it was a classic case of body swapping with my conservative neighbor who I could never relate to until I spent a day in his shoes. Unfortunately, that day was January 6th and I woke up in his body as he was scaling down the wall of the Senate chamber. Marco Rubio owes me 45 bucks.
Instacart stock is plummeting as Americans have finally realized they can do some things for themselves. The 80 percent drop in the value of the grocery delivery app occurred after many discovered their ability to get up and physically go to a store. Experts say that the company's initial business model failed to account for consumers learning how to zip up their jackets and tie their own shoes before leaving their homes for once. Grubhub stocks, however, are now skyrocketing after millions of Americans found themselves too tired from shopping to cook any of the food they bought. |
TheOnion | This_App_Turns_Your_Photos_into_Music_If_You_Want_to_Do_That_For_Some_Reason | Technology can improve the things people love. At least that's what my company believes. People love photography. That's obvious. But when we thought about photography, we realized one thing. Humans are limited to looking at photos with our eyes. That's a problem, right?
So we made an app, Picsong, the first program that turns your photos into music if you want to do that for some reason. Here's how Picsong works. First, select a photo. The app analyzes its colors, shapes, its file type, and converts them into musical notes.
That's kind of a cool thing, right? Don't you think you might want to use that for some reason?
Okay, okay. Now close your eyes. Imagine that you have a lot of photos and you need them to be music for some reason or some other problem. I don't know. Open your eyes. This is the thing that solves your problem, whatever it is.
Not being able to make music out of your photos is a thing of the past. Picsong can convert any photo, photos of people, photos of animals, photos of things.
As an innovator, I have one simple goal, to make an app. So I ask myself, what are two separate things? Can I turn one of those things into the other thing? And I did. Think of the possibilities. What are they?
That's the great thing about Picsong. It puts the power in your hands.
You get to decide why you need this. I can't tell you why you need this. It's not my job. Who is this app for?
Maybe it's for students or artists or blind people. Yeah, blind people might like it, I guess. Maybe it's for babies who can't understand pictures but can understand music. Are there babies like that?
I don't know. The bottom line is this. It's an app and it works.
So we've solved the problem of turning photos into music. But can it turn your music into photos?
No, it can't. Do you get to keep the original photo? No, it gets deleted. Always back up your photos before using Picsong.
Do you want to know what how you look sounds like?
Here we go. We expect that within 100 years, every photo in the world will be music. Maybe there will be so much photo music that people won't even make regular music anymore. That's technology changing the world. Thank you. |
cracked | spitzer_the_musical_and_other_cracked_news_3_19_08 | Hey, it's Wednesday, March 19th, 2008, and this is the News On Cracked. Let's talk about Lex, baby. Let's talk about you and me. Because I'm Lex Friedman, and that's my name, Dee Dee Dee Dee.
Heather Mills was awarded about $49 million in her divorce from Paul McCartney, which is only a quarter of what she had been asking for. The judge ruled that Mills really didn't have a leg to stand on.
An estimated 4.2 million Americans are suffering from Alzheimer's, the new study reports. In other news, an estimated 4.2 million Americans are suffering from Alzheimer's. The American Heart Association has released a study stating that just a little exercise will go a long way towards improving the quality of life for obese American women.
Also helpful? Not being Rosie O'Donnell. March 10th kicks off this year's National Procrastination Week. I really meant to mention that last week, sorry about that. Also, and the higher ups here at the News On Cracked don't normally let us do this kind of thing, but it's just this one time. If you happen to be in the Manhattan area this weekend, don't miss the off-off, off-Broadway premiere of a new show in which I have the lead, Spitzer the Musical. Can we roll that clip a future version of myself who will be editing this? Hores, all my life I've always fucked hores, now my dick is covered in sores, like it's been through three Iraq tours. But I fucked hores so, oh, I'm getting shut down by Sylda, her fun hole is closed, where should I go? After all I am still flush with cash, I've had every dick rash, don't care what I catch cause I just need some ass, which I am. If you prefer less singing and more casting aspersions on people with greater fame and talent than myself, check back Friday for Cracked dot com's weekend douchebaggery. |
TheOnion | Football_Fans_Excited_To_Watch_Patriots_Or_Giants_Lose_Super_Bowl | Hi everyone, you're welcome to get out of my face if that's what you want to do. Oh my god, you're doing it wrong! Alright buddy, I'm Reggie Greengrass filling in for Kenny Kennedy who's currently being pursued by Repo Men somewhere west of Flagstaff. I'm Doc Brooks, I do not like this Reggie guy. If I knew where the Goomf Studio was, I'd never allow you inside.
Somebody get us to the face-off already! It's a solid week until the Super Bowl, but football fans are already bubbling with excitement for the chance to see the Giants or Patriots lose the biggest game of their lives. This is why we love sports. Either we see a smug, tiresome, super dynasty, miss their chance for revenge, or a group of lazy upstarts who back into the playoffs finally get their comeuppance. I don't know who I want to see lose more. As long as it's a poorly executed, clumsy game that leaves both teams feeling dead inside, I'm happy. All that matters is seeing the hang dog look on Eli's face or the petulant disbelief on Brady's. Of course, the downside is that only one team can lose. Is it too much to ask for something terrible to happen to the winners? I'd love to see Legionnaires disease claim the lives of both these squads regardless of the outcome.
Ooh, a classic. Great choice. You're not supposed to like things I say.
Turning to the Diamonds, the Rockies were annoyed to find that Marco Scudero, whom they just traded for, isn't the little bald guy on the Red Sox who's really good. When the Red Sox offered Scudero for pitcher Clayton Mortison, GM Dan O'Dowd reportedly jumped at the opportunity to sign the player he called, quote, that tough little nugget who hits the ball all the time. Hey, it's always embarrassing to ask if you don't know who the guy is you want to trade for, but sometimes asking is better than making a stupid mistake. In their defense, the Red Sox don't have names on their jerseys, so it's even more confusing. It's just as dangerous to trade for their pitchers. There's no difference between John Lester and John Lackey or that other lumpy guy, John Beckett.
God, I wish we were talking about football right now. Then do it! Kenny doesn't wish.
News out of Foxborough, Bill Belichick has vowed to finally induce Tom Coughlin's death on the sidelines after failing to coach him into a fatal heart attack during Super Bowl 42. In a press conference this morning, Belichick pledged not to let the decrepit, red-faced old coot slip through his fingers again. Gotta respect what Coughlin has achieved, but the man should put on an ice suit and brush his skin with baby powder because he is going down. Belichick hasn't engineered a coach's death since the heyday of the Patriots' dynasty. I say Coughlin lives at least one more week after the Super Bowl. Well, somebody has to die. At this point in his career, Belichick will either see Coughlin dead or work himself into the grave.
Then nobody will come to his funeral just like Scrooge McDuck in that scary ghost movie. Or Joe Paterno on Wednesday. Only Penn State people came to his funeral. So devastating. Really, it would have been better if he had never lived at all. Agreed. Stop doing that! God, I miss Kenny. |
TheOnion | 9_11_Conspiracy_Theories_Ridiculous_Al_Qaeda | A new book called The Truth About September 11th claims to present evidence that the destruction of the World Trade Center was not the work of terrorists, but was in fact perpetrated by the U.S. government. With us, the much-maligned book's author, William Girard. Most of the mainstream media, they're just too afraid to even have me on, so thank you. Also joining us is Omar Al Farouq of Al Qaeda. He's an outspoken critic of what he calls Girard's 9-11 conspiracy theories.
Yes, Michael, I assure you, that is all this book is, is complete nonsense. Mr. Girard, how did you arrive at the conclusions in your book? Where are the facts here?
Well, through scientific examination of Ground Zero. For example, the melted core, there was definitely evidence that there were thermite bombs that were used to bring down those buildings. I can assure you, we did not use thermite bombs. I did the research myself. It would not have worked. We flew an enormous airplane into a building, okay? I think it is obvious what caused the building to crumble.
Why are you being so close-minded to this, sir? More people deserve the courage. How would you like it if you spent, you know, two months in mountain caves, sleeping on rocks, planning something really special, only to have someone take the credit away from you? Oh, no, you don't deserve the credit for it. More people just have the courage to open up their minds to Girard's truth.
Mr. Girard, why in the world would the U.S. government want to stage this attack on their own soil? Greed, of course. And to increase the oil revenues, the weapons industry, and security industry. And these are all things that Bush and his puppet master Cheney, they've got their stakes in. Bush's administration, they're a den of jackals. We certainly have common ground there. But what does not follow is why would they kill 3,000 of their own infidels?
Well, of course, because think about it, it was all part of their plan to build a case for the war in Iraq. Then he was so smart to plan all of this.
Why is his approval rating, you know, in El Haman, and why is Osama bin Laden safe in somewhere? Yes, the Iraq war has done serious damage to the Bush administration.
Here, look, look, I have names, phone numbers, everyone involved in this. You've got to be kidding me. Names and phone numbers.
I have here the voucher for the lessons, for the flight lessons for our brave pilots. This is obviously for his documents. I mean, come on. Did President Bush give you these himself? I learned from Bush. This is ridiculous. Me and Bush, we go out, we hang.
He goes, hey, bring on the forgery. Why do you call Cheney the puppet master, sir? You are just a puppet. It is rubbish.
Talking to you. He's like talking to a goat. This is the kind of thing our government really knows. I mean, you're all of us. Let Mr. Puroka about Cato Street. I have a suggestion for you.
Why don't you go to the Washington Monument?
Take the family. Let's say October 12, 2009, round 304. Take a guided tour to the top and just wait there. I think you will see that Al-Qaeda is very good at organizing things. Gentlemen, gentlemen, thank you. Coming up when we come back, the 2008 baby pandas are in. We'll have lots of footage of that. |
cracked | where_has_cracked_been_and_what_are_we_doing_now | Hey everybody, I'm Jordan. That's my real name. Not real doctor.
And ever since we started putting out these new videos we've been getting a lot of questions like You know, it's cracked back and who the heck is this guy and will I ever find love? And so yeah figured I'd take some time to try and answer some of those questions. So let's just get into it So yeah in October of 2016 I quit my job So that I could focus on music and it took me like a week until I realized Yeah, that wasn't that wasn't wise And so I was trying to think of ways to make money and one of the things I remembered is that my favorite website cracked Took unsolicited articles and ideas and stuff. So I pitched them an idea about Star Wars things that you that would never show up in the movies like in the EU and Yeah, they accepted it and they paid me which was nice and I got hooked on it So I just started writing for them all the time in 2017 I wrote like 65 articles for them or something and I used that to get a an internship at paste magazine I wrote another like 400 articles for them and things seemed like they were going great And that summer I was living in Atlanta when I was writing for paste and I took the opportunity to fly out to LA with my wife and I pretended that we were just kind of like Like celebrating our anniversary or something, but really I was just trying to get access to the cracked headquarters I was telling them I was just in the area, but there's no way I was just in the area And I was wondering if I could come hang out and I did Tried to meet some people got to meet Dan O'Brien, which was a big moment for me and Yeah, everything seemed to be going great. I came home You know back to Virginia after the paste internship ended and I realized things weren't going that well in the publishing industry because Yeah, as I was as I was working at my desk at paste People all over the office were like getting let go they like of like the food editor and they like of other people It probably should have tipped me off that things weren't great, but yeah, I still thought things were going well until like everyone else December of 2017 cracked and really EW scripts fired everybody and You know my my dreams of being hired by cracked kind of fell apart. I spent the next year Running for a bunch of different websites like the hard times and rancor and stuff And then ultimately was looking for a full-time job, which I got As a music director at a church in Charlottesville, Virginia, which is where I am now You know, I even though I've been working full-time I was still writing some stuff write some columns and some interviews and some whatever on the side for cracked and and You know, I keep I keep watching all their YouTube videos But I you know, I kind of exhausted my supply of their back catalog and I was talking to a friend and I was like You know, I really wish they made more of them Like that was something I was trying to get into there at the end was writing more scripts for these videos But obviously it all fell apart and I said, you know, I wonder if we could do that with one of my articles so in December of 2019 like five months ago or whatever I went to my buddy and was like, hey What if I wrote a script and and Talked about it.
Do you think you could shoot it? Do you think you can make it look kind of cool like they're old videos and he thought he could so we bought a crappy green screen Borrowed a camera and a mic and shot it in his basement Who's freaking terrible? We didn't understand how the teleprompter worked at all So my I was looking like over here the whole time compared to where the camera was And so it was totally unusable and I was frustrated and mad Cuz I was like, well, I would never show anyone this I look like an idiot. So we shot it again It looked a little better. I spent a bunch of time editing it putting it together.
It was like 18 minutes long or something But I was like, you know, it doesn't really matter it's not like I mean they haven't been doing videos and and you know Two and a half years besides the people watching stuff. And so, you know, they're not gonna they're not gonna take it But I did know that they got bought out by a new company. So I was like, maybe they'll be interested so I just I just cold emailed the Vimeo link to Syriac Lamar who is cracks managing editor and he liked it I guess and then he forwarded it to the parent company literally media and then they talked about it and they got back to me that same day and asked for more and They asked me like, you know what I needed to do to make it happen and all the stuff and I had no idea because I've I've if you look at my youtube channel, I have one video from 2007 That's like a jackass parody ripoff that I did for a class and got a failing grade for because we faked a peen scene and I guess that disqualifies you so I thought it was funny.
I think you think a lot of things are funny when you're 15 Yes, I already mentioned him but kale grits go who does a bunch of video work in his real life his professional life He's been helping me. He's been the main guy down in the basement with me He runs the teleprompter and since we don't have a good way to look at it We didn't pay for a teleprompter program that actually flips it it can flip it one way but Not for the person actually scrolling So he actually has like a mirror set up here reflecting down on the teleprompter so that he can run it So he's not even looking at me or anything except this weird mirror the whole time So he's helping me. He's also doing all the green screen stuff. He's doing a ton But we have another guy that helps us with the editing when literally asked me You know how I could possibly do it weekly. One of the things I said was well the editing takes forever and so they got me this guy named Andy who Goes through all the raw footage and puts together like a nice basic version of just the me talking stuff so I don't have to agonize over which take makes me look the least stupid as if there is such a take and When I'm writing the scripts I I actually Employed with the promise of food the help of my buddy Devin by him who I've been friends with since first grade best friends with since ninth grade we like Room together all four years of college all this stuff He is a family counselor like he helps kids and stuff he's like actually helping people in the world But he's also hilarious. So he helps me a lot with I Haven't done any scripts without First reading them out loud to him and getting his idea for jokes like the King Kong flying down his ass crack thing Was his idea bunch of stuff like that. He's he's really funny and has seen Maybe not as many movies as me, but you know a good amount of movies My dad helped us with the graphics stuff like with the your brain on crack logo and the and the brain He's a graphic designer. He owns his own Agency or or firm or whatever.
I think it's called a creative design agency, but I don't know And so he helped with that Brian Brushwood over at the Modern Rogue, which is a YouTube channel. You should check out has been really helpful with Just talking through what it means to do YouTube. Obviously, I don't have a good handle on it yet still but Yeah, he's been really helpful and really encouraging this whole time. I used to write for his I still write for his website actually, but Yeah, he's been a good sounding board for some of this stuff as well Yeah, my angle if there is one is To kind of draw attention back to some of these old classic shows I mean, I've been watching cracked and reading cracked for a long time and I Don't know. I just I wanted to find a way to get people like new people to come check out all this stuff You know, we didn't actually expect to get picked up or anything It was kind of just a fun thing to do to emulate, you know guys like Swain or Soren or obviously Daniel O'Brien and so yeah, we're just kind of making it because it's fun and I think it's a way to get people who didn't realize cracked even existed as a channel in and even if they hate my crap It's fine because hopefully they they can click around and they'll find after hours or obsessive pop culture disorder and any of the other great shows Couple of quick thoughts on that So the first thing is that guys like Jack O'Brien and Soren and Swain had all technically left in 2017 to do other stuff Soren writes for American Dead and Jack O'Brien does his own podcast thing now called the daily zeitgeist and Michael Swain writes for IGN and he has his own YouTube channel small beans, which you should absolutely check out But yeah pretty much everybody else was fired and I think it's December 4th 2017 The whole video team was just Mass laid off This was because the company EW scripts at the time that owned cracked I guess didn't think they they were getting the money on their investment or whatever I Don't I don't know a ton about that. I'm gonna link to Jason Pargin video the former cracked editor In the description where he explains all this and in much better detail than I ever could But then in September 2019 EW scripts sold cracked to literally media who is the who are the people that own it now and they Yeah, didn't fire the whole video team and are actively looking to make more video Apparently I think it was just kind of in the right place at the right time as far as where they all are already so where some of them are Daniel O'Brien writes for last week tonight with John Oliver, which is really cool. Swain was with small beans. You should check them out Cody Johnston kept his new show goings called some more news. They're on YouTube and they have a patreon as well guys like Tom Ryman And Dave Bell went on to do a podcasting network and a video sketch network and stuff called gainfully unemployed You should check them out trying to see if I forgot anything Alex Schmidt actually still works for crack He does the podcast and he's done his own podcast recently on the bison emoji that he Created I haven't listened to it yet. So I'm not entirely sure how that works. Oh Yeah, Daniel and Soren have a podcast called quick question, which is actually pretty great been listening to it a bunch Yeah, I'm sure there's a lot more people out there if you know of any you should comment and direct people to it because again The whole thing here is is trying to draw attention to these guys and the things that they built So I don't intend to reboot any shows directly And I don't know if there's any chance of cast members coming back But I would love to work with them in any capacity either on their channels or on our channel or or whatever.
I'm just Kind of along for the ride Yeah, rip it off because it's awesome. But also I'm not really ripping it off comments are actually pointed out Yesterday, I think that I'm actually if I'm ripping anything off I'm a lot closer to reckless disagreement, but I think in general what I'm ripping off is the crack vibe. At least that's my hope It's the you know, it's the reckless disagreement the hilarious helmet history some news The spit take all these things there is sort of a crack vibe and When we were riding the pilot and filming it which we ended up filming three times Actually because even the second pilot sucked so we kind of reshot that as well You might think the third pilot sucked which is fine, but you know, we tried I Watched so many stinkin OPCD's and all these other videos to try and get that in I was looking at my notes yesterday and Caleb and I have a Google Doc that we were shifting back and forth and one of the things on our to-do list was watch cracked videos until it takes over our soul or something like that and I Don't know that we succeeded But enough people think that we're ripping them off that I I guess we did Whether you think it's good or not is obviously up to you one of the reasons we're doing it right now, at least for my angle is because I'm in quarantine and You know got a lot of free time on my hands and thought it would be fun Caleb can't really do any video projects elsewhere because you know Disease and such and so we yeah have had a lot of time. So we've been making a bunch and Yeah, as far as from literally or in cracks perspective I think they were intending there's been job postings for video producers out there I think they were intending to do something with the YouTube channel, but Again quarantine in the pandemic actually kind of hurt those plans So sort of just very fortuitous that the the two things happen kind of at the same time Right now the plan is to have a new your brain on cracked every Friday at 3 p.m. Eastern until You know, we think We've like done a decent first season or whatever I Don't know of any plans to do future stuff, but I'm I'm sure they want to I'm sure that's in the works But I'm not like an employee or anything. I'm just a guy in Virginia Yes It yes, it will be |
dropout | YMCA_Water_Is_Only_1_Water_99_Old_People_Hair_Breaking_News | from West Hollywood California the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it anyone who laughs or breaks loses points this is breaking news good evening everyone welcome to the breaking news the show where we have no idea what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh I'm prune hub and I'm Tom Wanks oh no for the duration of this episode I will be holding these two dumbbells out and I have arthritis for real this laptop put it sideways sideways yeah I got this goes on your lip oh yeah right exactly yeah oh okay our first story takes place at the YMCA the city tested the water at the YMCA pool and found it was 99% old people here and somehow just 1% water YMCA members were livid with the YMCA rap attack a DJ and YMCA members said this is disgusting I am never coming back to the YMCA ever again the YMCA has screwed me over for the last time I'll see to my revenge on the Y this life or the next of win-win ass for comment the Y just responded with Y stands for young see for stands for Christian still stands for men a stands for Association Wow now that's a lineup if only the village people this is the cruise see hey we're also there yeah sure comedy acts will include the dentist from the higher already are dated after the dentist their production assistant from the TV show workaholics and Danica Hatrick right now and it's a sight to see sounds like it'll be a really good time yeah let's go down to a place where sand comes from on the beach our reporter who's standing on a little wobbly battle boards down by the street and whoa Diane how's it going down there oh my god you gotta be oh no to steal the lingo some of the people down here I'd say it's a real hang ten cowabunga dude the waves are gnarly right now I saw a sweet swell that must have been as high as a helicopter fuck following a high-speed chase on the 101 forecast says it's nothing but Sun and shine down here are you eating any good or are you down there you know what I got a bulk up you know with my routine with all the stuff that's happening right now hell yeah I actually ate my dog cars when I was on the beach and so is this party her ever going to believe that's a horrifying story and I wish you'd never told me that it really hurts to look at you I just awful there's all this is awful sometimes I wish I could play as a mayor from jaws and see how I would handle the situation if a great white shark is attacking my town well I realize also that the longer I speak the longer that why we gotta talk fast and now thank you to the Gordon ram it in me reporting on traffic thanks prune hub I appear to be reporting from the scene in a normal manner no challenge yet traffic appears to be doing pretty well on the 101 and 405 the idiots are leaving their jobs to just go home to their big mansions in the valley there's a huge traffic jam on sunset because everyone's rushing to be first in line for an improv show traffic is crazy towards the Hollywood Bowl because all four beatles have been reincarnated and I know a bunch of songs and that's traffic thanks Gordon ram it in me well that's all the time we have for tonight there you go our loser the week is erica thanks for watching this is a bad show we shouldn't make the show anymore who wrote this who wrote this I'm gonna find out who wrote this and I'm gonna tweet about it hi I still don't know what I'm about to say because I'm a big stupid idiot if you like that video you can go to hell and then you can go to dropout TV to start your free trial today for every episode of breaking news that's here there's another episode only available on dropout TV until next time I'm grant O'Brien which is Irish for grant of Brian |
SaturdayNightLive | word_crunch_snl | You're watching the Game Show Network. Remember how Richard Dawson would kiss the entire family? Well, you do now. But first, it's one crunch. Welcome back to World Crunch.
I'm your host, Gene baby. say hello to our contestants, Kara, Sheila, and Dave. Hi there. happy to be here.
All right. game is simple. we'll show you a bunch of letters. And those letters, some make words. Find those words. you get points. And those points is money.
Wow. Ok, sorry, folks. there is a Writer's Strike. So our sound engineer wrote all this herself.
Thanks, Chris. hey, it was my pleasure, huh? maybe one day you'll let me host, huh? Love you, Gene.
All right. Contestants, let's pull up our first word crunch. if you see a word, just shout it out. your time starts now. Oh, ok. I see Happy. you got it. five points. I see Cat. great. three points. I see Mom-hole. Ok, sorry about that, Kara. no points, but there's still time. keep guessing. Dog. nice, three points for Dave. Oh, I've got one.
Mom-hole. Yeah, no, again, Kara. maybe stop guessing. Mom-hole, Ok? we cannot accept Mom-hole. Why not? that's a few reasons. for one, it's two words. you could do mom, and then after that, you could say hole. but I want to connect them. well, you can't. please ask something else. Mom-hole?
Ok. yeah, I told you not to say that. no, no, no, not that one, the other one. why are there two? I don't know, Gene. this isn't my game.
Oh, I've got one. I see Apple. that's great, five points. Ok, so wait, sorry. let me get this straight. she says Apple, which is five points, and you think that's cool. But when I say mom-hole, which is seven, I get nothing? This isn't fair. Well, Apple is a real thing, So. so is Mom-hole. you may not want to think about it, but they have them, So. Oh, oh, I've actually got another one, Pothole. Great, that's seven points. Ok, sorry, but if I had said pothole, that would have counted?
Yes. Ok, great, so Mom-hole. All right, I don't understand. I don't. you know what, let's just get a new puzzle up here, please. am I allowed to guess? Yeah, sure, as long as it's not Mom-hole. Ok, no problem.
Him-hole. no. Gay for a hole. Wow, there's a four on the hole. Jackson-hole. what? Whole Foods. please don't. My-hole. Thorn-hole. come on. and mmm-hole. Ok, that is not mmm-hole. it's just three M's and then a hole. What is Mmm-hole? You know, mmm, like, yummy. like, I'm excited for that hole.
Oh my God. Chris, what is with these word searches? Look, it's hard to think of this many words.
I mean, you do Apple, Happy Dog. And after that, it's like, what's left besides Mom-hole? Chris, it's easy. I told you to just write what you know. Oh, I thought you said write what you have. I'm a mom, and. yeah, ok, we get it. All right. you guys know what, let's just get a new puzzle up here. and no more hole stuff. I don't want to get in trouble, but I do see porn. Ok, we'll accept that. Four points. Ok, mom porn? no. what is your problem with moms? do you see anything else? friend. beach. scissoring. water. balls. lick. butt. slit. blow. gag. juice. titty. porn. horny. and time. Ok, I don't care anymore, so. fine, let's just do our last puzzle. Oh, no. yeah, I'm sure you do.
Well, is it ok if I say it? Yeah, just say it.
B. that is, that's dumb. All right, well, this has been the pilot of Word Crunch. To the Network, please Do Not pick us up for a whole season. Good night. |
dropout | photoshop_s_new_photobomb_tool | Hi, I'm Brian O'Neill Hughes, and I'm a Photoshop product manager. You may have seen our last video, introducing our new Content Aware Fill feature. Today, I'm going to introduce you to another feature we've developed.
It's called the Photo Bomb Tool. Here's an image I shot at a party, and it looked like fun when I took it, but in looking at it now, I realize it's lame. This photo isn't going to gain any traction online. We have a lot of work ahead of us, so you'll notice this new tool on the toolbar here. We're just going to select it, and what I can do now is select an area in my photo, and the Photo Bomb Tool will chew through that, and there we go.
Pretty dramatic difference. Before and after. Now, if you've ever tried to capture a photo bomber manually, you know that this is really difficult, really rare.
But with this tool, I can get the same number of digs quicker and more easily. And if we want to see more of him, I can just adjust the presence level, and you'll see he moves closer and closer to camera. Really great stuff. Let's look at some other things we can do.
Now this is a Facebook picture of someone I know, and he's pretty annoying. So I'm going to go ahead and ruin it for him.
What we can do is start with our basic photo bomber, and then let's go up here and make some adjustments. Let's see what happens when I change the intent. We can go from the traditional photo bomb to an unrelated reaction, all the way back down to mid sneeze. Alternately, we can adjust the creep factor. Okay, now that's much better. This pic is nicely ruined now. Another thing I can do is repair damaged photo bombs. Now, this photo bomber was a bit too late. You can just see the side of his head and his arm here. And what we're going to do is just click the tool, select him, and just drag him out. There we are. Much better. This is starting to look nice and viral. Now, say I really want to make my friends laugh, but they've already seen a lot of regular photo bombers. Not a problem. To make something real special, I just need to lean a little more on my photo bomb tool. Now, if I re-select that area, it will give me settings to take the content we have even further. We can change his hand gestures to middle finger, shocker, or the Dane Cook super finger, or Sufi. Or I can change the photo bomber itself.
I can do animal, I can do sex act, I can do mooning. And adjustments can even be made to the length of the crack or the breath of the moon. There's a remarkable level of depth here. I can even do celebrity. Let's just let it chew through that moon.
There. Fantastic. Really great stuff.
What else can we do here? Change the creep factor from Mayer to Haskins to Busey.
And there we go. In a matter of seconds, we've made a really unique photo bomb. Someone's really going to get a kick out of this. And there we go. That's just what we're looking for.
So this is just the start of what you can do with a photo bomb tool. We've made it much easier to make your pictures better by ruining them. |
cracked | how_trump_s_pardon_of_joe_arpaio_is_normal_and_also_super_f_ed_up | Oh hello, welcome to some bonus news. Twitter and the internet and the terrible car crash that's so bad you can't not look at it-esque actions of our president have turned everyone into constant media consumers and citizen pundits. Everyone is a media personality now, everyone has a take, and everything seems like the end of the world. So to simplify things and add some context to the outrage, I'd like to introduce a Newsome News game we do games on this show, right? Called Normal, Not Normal, and Holy F***ing S***.
Today in Normal, Not Normal, and Holy F***ing S***, a game we regularly do now, the topic is the controversial pardoning of Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Now at a base level, it's normal for a president to pardon someone. Literally all but two presidents have issued pardons, and FDR offered 3,687 pardons. It's not normal, but not unprecedented, and crucially not illegal, darn it, for a president to issue a pardon without a sentence or DOJ review. And it's holy f***ing s*** that he pardoned a guy while clearly not understanding why he was in trouble, because President Trump said he's in trouble for doing his job when Arpaio is explicitly accused of doing the opposite of that. So let's dig into some specifics. A lot of people are outraged because Sheriff Joe's violated civil rights, and you should be outraged, but pardoning someone who's violated civil rights is not unprecedented, which I guess makes it normal? Ronald Reagan granted pardons to W. Mark Felt, aka Deep Throat, and Edward S. Miller, who were convicted of conspiring to violate the constitutional rights of anti-war radicals in the early 70s. Reagan said he pardoned them because they broke laws to bring an end to the terrorism that was threatening our nation, which is not at all like President Trump's reason for pardoning Arpaio, which was again, doing his job, aka a gross misunderstanding of why we were all mad at Arpaio. Sheriff Joe was one of the first prominent people to come out in support of Trump back in the candidate days. Ah, the candidate days. So a lot of people are understandably upset because the president is clearly just pardoning people who are his buddies, which is awful, because literally everyone who is nice to Trump sucks and is a bully, and most of them are doing crimes. But still, pardoning someone clearly just because they're a buddy is also not unprecedented. Clinton pardoned his brother, who was in jail for selling cocaine to an undercover police officer.
So there's another win for normal, I guess?
Now the subtext in all of this is that President Trump pardoned Sheriff Joe to send a message on policy. He's publicly told law enforcement officers in the past that they can be harder on criminals and feel free to rough them up and basically treat them like animals. Now by pardoning a racist, abusive sheriff, who among other things is racist and abusive and tortured prisoners until some of them died, President Trump is sending a message to other racist, abusive law enforcers around the country.
If you get caught and in trouble, don't worry, I'll bail you out. It's a bigger and grosser version of this. So if you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of him, would you? Seriously. Just knock the hell. I promise you, I will pay for the legal fees, I promise.
This is very holy f***ing s*** on an intellectual level, because it means that the president is endorsing Sheriff Joe's tactics, and that other law enforcement agencies should behave similarly. But pardoning to send a message on policy is also incredibly common. Obama commuted the sentences of a ton of prisoners serving long sentences for non-violent drug-related offenses because he thought mandatory minimums for non-violent drug-related offenses was stupid.
Because it is. But don't worry, this still isn't normal.
Sure, every unpopular thing surrounding this particular pardon has a president. He hasn't done anything that another president hadn't already done. But the not-normal aspect is about the number of things that all apply to one pardon. A pardon without review. A pardon for someone who violated civil rights. A pardon for someone who's responsible for lives being lost. A pardon for someone who didn't request it. A pardon for someone before a sentence was even issued. A pardon for someone who's a stooge. A pardon to broadcast your policies. It's all been done, but stretched across multiple presidents. This pardon checks more controversial boxes than any one pardon in presidential history.
Which makes it not normal! Ah, we got one! Ah, holy f***ing s***, our president sucks! Thanks for watching! |
cracked | how_not_to_plan_a_prison_escape | Thanks for coming out. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Me too. And the kids, you know, they miss their daddy.
Quick! Put this on. Honey, you really should take your vitamins. I mean, I know them make you gassy. What the hell was that? The car's running outside. I'm busting you out. What's in that? Nothing! It's for you. Hop in. Okay, it's time to wrap it up. Yes, sir.
No! Honey, you forgot!
It's your birthday! We gotta get your birthday cake! Happy birthday!
Careful. It's loaded. Time to get going? No! Your kids! They got their report cards! Honey, they're A's and B's! A stands for Adam McConnell. He needs your contact on the outside. B stands for Belvedere Colm Mister. That's your alias. I'm gonna send you some instructions right now. Be a phone. Get ready for it. Did you get them? What? Scamatic. Just look into the talking part of the phone. They're dealing with my cord on the phone! I'll see you next week, kids.
No! Come back! No!
Don't leave me, baby! Baby, don't leave me! I love you! Baby, don't gotta leave me!
I better just drink her. Last time she got out, she went on that spree.
You're not a director. I'm a director! |
TheOnion | First_Female_Dictator_Hailed_As_Step_Forward_For_Women | East Timor has a troubled history, but tonight it is a place of inspiration and progress for women. Amoeba Gama seized control of the nation's capital today, becoming East Timor's first ever female dictator. Reporter Mark Ward has the story. It's been a long, hard journey for Amoeba Gama, but it was worth it. After a bloody six-day-long coup, a triumphant Gama declared herself president for life, leader and chief of the armed forces and High Court Chief Justice today, proving that a woman can rule with an iron fist just as well as any man.
For years we were terrified and oppressed by men. It would be wonderful to now be terrified and oppressed by one of our own.
Dr. Sandra Sujana, the author of the book Amoeba Gama, A Woman to Fear, says Gama's success is a sign of the country's progress. Twenty or even ten years ago, nobody could have even considered a woman would behead her political rivals in the town square. It's a truly great day for women. Dr. Sujana says that in addition to a ruthless pursuit for ultimate power, Gama has a feminine side. Even while leading a campaign of terror through the countryside, rooting out intellectuals and killing religious leaders, Gama made time to be a mother to her children. It's this down-to-earth relatability that has made her an icon to many East Timor women. She didn't just order her militia to destroy our crops. She got right in there with the torch, and she looked good doing it. Many expect that, as a woman, Gama will bring a more level-headed and sensitive approach to the massive slaughtering. Even members of the older generation, like former cabinet member Yuriko Al-Khatiri, have learned to look past Gama's gender and respect her as a political force.
Some people had doubts, but now they're all dead. When she plunged a knife into my crying son's throat as I lay helplessly by, I realized that she could do anything.
She's a real dynamo. The size of Gama's army is all we need as proof to know it's a woman's world Now in East Timor, we congratulate you, President Gama. From Dili, I'm Mark Ward for The Onion News Network. Thank you, Mark. That's one feisty lady.
When we come back, Gatorade scientists had discovered four new kinds of thirst. |
cracked | 12_21_07_week_in_douchebaggery_lynn_spears_jon_stewart | It's Friday, December 21st, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and your mom said to say hi. So hi. How are ya? As I said, it's Friday, and you know what that means. No means yes.
And on top of that, it's time for the world-famous Cracked.com Week in Douchebaggery. Douchebag number five, Lynn Spears. She's of course Brittany and Jamie's mother, and now she's had the audacity to put her upcoming parenting book on hold indefinitely. After this week's news of Jamie's pregnancy, not to mention Brittany's general ongoing whoriness, the book is called There's Gold in That Them, They're Uterus, a guy to turning your knocked-up daughter's womb into a media diamond mine, and catapulting her vagina itself into profits. Publish the book now, Lynn.
I have spiders to kill. Alright? Help me out here.
Douchebag number four, Tom Tancredo. Tommy T. never had a shot, but he waited until yesterday to announce that he's dropping out of the race to the White House. Tancredo cited sore legs and a stomach cramp. Now generally, it would be News on Cracked policy to refer to the author of a joke like that one as our next douchebag for the week.
But no one on our staff here in the studio has any idea how to pronounce Martin Hovkis's last name. But you know what you are, Martin. You know.
Scientists at the University of California have discovered that two species of squirrels camouflage their scent by smearing chewed up rattlesnake skin on their fur. The squirrels fur that is, not the scientists. Anyway, the adopted odor may protect the animals from snakes and dogs. Or at least it used to before somebody blabbed it all over the news. Thanks squirrel-hating scientists, you douchebags.
And finally, douchebag number one. Comedy Central's Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert will be back on the air on January 7th, even if the writer's strike continues. Shit. It's the week in douchebaggery. That's it for today's edition of the News On Cracked. Check back Monday when you'll hear me exclaim as I drive out of sight, Merry Christmas to all, let's have Chinese tonight. Kazamaju. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_games_starring_musicians | Welcome to Bleak Loop, College Humor's weekly video game show. I'm your host Jeff Rubin, and this week I'm here with John Gavers, who you might recognize from Roheemian Rhapsody, or the upcoming low-pass LLC on Spike TV, and College Humor's phone, Streeter Seidel, and Pat Cashel. We are playing video games starring musicians. Unbelievable.
You guys have disgraced the good name of Aerosmith. It's hard to be Aerosmith. I feel bad now. I've been in front of them for a number of years, and apparently it's really hard to play their songs in that video. Do you want to make an Aerosmith game today? It's very easy. Everyone's already got the toy instruments. You just throw the Aerosmith songs in, but it wasn't always like this. This is 1994's Revolution X, the first Aerosmith game. The problem is right now, I'm too drunk to play a video game, but not drunk enough to enjoy Aerosmith. You're not playing as Aerosmith with a gun just lighting up the streets. You're trying to rescue Aerosmith from the New Order New Year. You're presumably a fan of Aerosmith, I think. Only a fan would react in this way.
Jeff, do you want to describe the plot? Because clearly there's a very dense narrative to this game. How much time do we have here? We really got to do it. We're just somewhere. You're like a big thing of loss for us. It's a core medical McCarthy novel before it was a video game, right?
I love how they're on rollerblades, like instant, the quickest possible way to date your game. Or make a game about Aerosmith. I remember playing this in Hot Skates in Levittown, Long Island, at some girl's birthday party and being like, there's a butt up there. I love to see the owner of that arcade watching this video be like, yes, fuck off, yes, publicity. That's right, come on down. There's Aerosmith.
Rocking while people die around them. Stone that ultimate. Look at how many drums the drummer has. Look at Tyler. He has three cymbals. He's not even turning their back on. You wiped out 166 bad guys, dude. Total bonus. Your screams will haunt me forever.
Game concept and design by Michael Jackson. Stop using your Michael Jackson powers. Don't tell me how to use my Michael Jackson powers, Pat. Dude, I only have one button that does anything. Because you ran out of your dance move powers. I wasn't using my dance powers.
Who are we fighting against in this game? I think it's a very similar plot to the Aerosmith game.
It's been a while since I've seen the movie Moonwalker. It's been at least two weeks. I haven't been to one of Pat's Moonwalker parties in a while. For a second, I was worried that I wasn't being invited.
You know what I love about you? Oh, bubbles! Follow bubbles!
Oh no, he turned you into a frickin' robot! That just gets pretty cool. Look at them, robots are dancing. Yeah, they are, dude, they're grooving. Look at them, now they're about to die. Do you think any of those bad guys who are like, as they're dancing to their death, they're like, I always knew it in this way. You said that Patrick was designed, it was concepted and designed by Michael Jackson? They just hooked up an electro to him and he danced for 20 minutes and his game was completely made with you. First of all, look at what's going on here. Jesus Christ.
Alright, alright, Journey, everyone in the spaceship. You have to pick what instrument you want to rescue, right? Yeah, so each Journey band member gets their own level. So what happens if you beat all five of these instrument levels? You actually get to join the band. It's like the last Starfighter, where Journey is used to train people to be in Journey.
You know this game is old because it refers to extra lives as man. It's your first man at 20,000 points. That's like how my father talks. You got to get another man, that's the way to beat that.
There's no reason to make his arms that big. Like, his normal arms are good enough.
Are you going to be a hustler? Playa is still a step up from me. Looks like for rappers, first you make an album, then you get some sort of commercial, then you get a video game, and then you do a movie with Steven Sadal. That's your career arc? Don't take this the wrong way, you are the worst 50 Cent ever seen.
What? You've only shot two times. Concluding thoughts, what did we learn today?
We've learned that 50 Cent makes a video game, he's like, let's make it fat ass. Everyone else makes a video game, and it's like, let's make it as fucking weird as possible. |
Wizards_with_Guns | wrangling_sandy | What was his name again? His name's Sandy. And he's your roommate? No, he's not my roommate, okay? He's been here and he just showed up and he says he wants to go home but he won't leave.
Okay. You'll see.
Sandy?
He's not here. No, he is here. Don't let him run!
What is he looking for? He wants like parts for like to get home or for some sort of machine. And that's the thing, he keeps mentioning a machine like over and over again. I have no idea exactly what he...
I need these. Yeah. Are you sure you want to let him have that? He's practically harmless.
What? What do you want? Want the umbrella? What are you doing, dude?
Sorry. Never give him an umbrella. Okay, I'm sorry.
Dude, what is he even doing, man? We know he needs parts for some sort of machine. So like, is the machine in... What is that? Dude, I don't even know, dude.
No, your hat. My hat? Yeah, it's pink. Okay, so what if it's pink? Like, don't you think you're trying a little too hard? No, dude. Okay, the hat is a joke. I can change.
He's been in the bathroom for hours.
Dude, what is that? Fetus. What? Fetus? And the worst part is, is probably like, the smell. Like, it's not that it's bad. It's just like, it's a lot. Oh, what? What's... Hold on. Oh my... What? Are you saying fetus?
No.
Yes. Oh no. Oh no. Is he okay? He's dead. I'll call 911. It's okay. Yes. No. No, what is he now? Sandy? Sandy, are you okay? I think he's got something.
Oh no. Run, run! Run!
We should be safe if we stay under here long enough. I think...
What was that? What? What is this? It's like some sort of... Oh no. Dude.
My keys! My keys? Wait.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Sandy? Sandy?
Listen. Whatever you say.
No, Sandy! Sandy! Oh no! Sandy!
I cannot believe he took your car. Honestly, he's been here for, I don't know, so long. I just... I can't believe he's gone. |
TheOnion | Bush_Tours_America_To_Survey_Damage_Caused_By_His_Presidency | We now continue our coverage of our top news story this morning, President Bush's tour of America to survey the damage caused by his disastrous presidency. Right, Tracey, here's what we know so far. The presidency started and hit America at around 10 a.m. Eastern Standard Time back on January 20, 2001. Now, so far that presidency has caused some $9 trillion worth of debt.
It's left thousands of people dead and still, even this morning, it continues to rage on. We have some footage to show you here of some of the survivors.
Well, I didn't think it was going to be this bad. Arkansas has never seen nothing like this. This ain't the country. It's just mind boggling. He needs to see how bad it is down here. You know, it's so sad. You can actually hear the fear in their voices. The sheer destructive force of Bush caught people completely off guard in a lot of cases.
Well, joining us now live is Brian Scott. He's been following the president on his tour of the disaster area. Brian? President Bush has been showing real leadership out here. Yesterday, he started the day with a flyover tour of Kansas. Of course, that's one of the 50 states in the direct path of this presidency.
And then he stopped in Denver to deliver a very moving speech that offered as much encouragement as he could to the approximately 300 million people whose lives have been completely torn apart by him. You really have to admire the strength he's showing in the face of all the adversity he's created. Bush later met privately with a group of victims and personally assured them his administration would not abandon them as they seek to rebuild their lives in the wake of his administration.
Unbelievable. We have a clip from that speech, so we should give a look and listen to it right now. I'll be seeing people whose lives were turned upside down.
I'll do my very best to comfort them. I ask our nation for those who are prayerful to give a prayer for the victims. And the president said he has been praying every night that he doesn't do any more damage than he's already wrought on the country. Have there been any actual relief efforts started for the Bush victims?
From what we understand, some U.S. citizens were able to evacuate safely to Canada and take refuge there before the worst of this presidency hit. There's also been a huge outpouring of sympathy from overseas for those millions of Americans who were not able to get out of Bush's path of time.
It's just so upsetting. Now, you see here in this footage, people hoarding food, boarding up their houses.
They've said some of them, they're not going to come out until the entire presidency has passed. Carlos, what has the president's emotional response been to all this?
Well, Tracy, he cares deeply, no doubt. You can see just by the look on his face, he did truly love America. And to see that he all but destroyed it, I think it's just very hard on him. Yeah. I have to say, this might be one of his finest moments as president. You know, I think history may bear you out on that, Tracy. |
cracked | why_magic_pixie_dream_girl_movies_are_uncomfortably_dark_splash_weird_science | I'm worried about Tom Hanks from Splash. Hmm? Oh, like the movie Splash? Where he meets a mermaid and they fall in love? No, I think you're thinking of a different splash. I'm talking about the splash where he has a mental breakdown. There's a movie with that plot with Tom Hanks, and it's also called Splash? I mean, I get why you would be confused because the splash I'm talking about also stars Tom Hanks and has a mermaid, but it's actually a peek into the mind of a man who is disassociating.
He imagines a mermaid to make himself feel better and rationalize his choices. It's an enchanting tale about a man and a mermaid that fall in love. Unless it is from the point of view of Tom Hanks' character. Think about it. Tom Hanks can't fall in love. He is having relationship problems. Meets a mermaid the same day that his girlfriend moves up, the same day that she calls him and he cannot admit that he isn't in love with her. Well, we met and I, uh, well, you moved in, didn't you? Love works in mysterious ways. The mind works in mysterious ways. He is sad.
He does not like his job. His brother is making him work all the time and screwing him over. What the hell did I agree to that? Not you, your brother.
And everybody is always yelling at him constantly, so he goes to a place where he almost drowned as a kid. I guess that is a little warning signee. Then he meets a scientist on the way and then he almost drowns, maybe not so by mistake. Like he tried to drown himself on purpose.
A little dark. A lot of dark. But then he feels guilty when he doesn't drown because he feels like he shouldn't have killed himself so he imagines a mermaid who can live on land for an arbitrary amount of days.
Six days. Let's say six days.
Somehow she knows how to have sex even though she has never had human genitalia before. Those sex parts were previously fixed. Exactly! She has had a fish booty her entire life and then she learns English in six hours from watching TV and she falls in love with him after three days. This is not a real woman. Mermaid.
This is a figment of his imagination to achieve dreams that he cannot achieve. She is a magic pixie dream girl. Magic pixie dream girl? Yeah! It's like a manic pixie dream girl but she's magic and instead of being the figment of the writer's imagination she's the figment of the male protagonist's imagination. She already has a word for that. It's Pygmalia. It's based on the Greek myth about the sculptor who falls in love with his sculpture and he asks the gods if he can bring it to life. No, no. It's gonna be magic pixie dream girl. It's magic pixie dream girl!
It's copyrighted me! Fine. Phrase coin. Think about it.
Tom Hanks imagines his life to be better than it possibly could be. I guess he does make a lot of money for a guy that just sells fruit at the pier. I mean, she goes on a shopping spree with his money and he does have a nice apartment.
Yeah, and he can't live in this hallucination forever so he has to create a villain. The scientist on the beach who just inexplicably knows that if you get a landed mermaid wet it becomes a mermaid again. Wait, so if a mermaid can't get wet how do they have sex? Uncomfortably and poorly. His subconscious has to create a villainous character that would make it impossible for her to exist on land. However, at the end of the film she has the ability to make him into a man who can breathe underwater. Not a merman! A man who can breathe underwater. And then she takes him to her magical kingdom under the ocean which means...
Oh my god. They killed himself? Oh my god. That was his mind rationalizing killing himself as he walked into the ocean and he said I'm just here to join my mermaid love?
Yes! I don't mean to be cheering for death like this but I like being right- Oh my god. Does that mean that all the magical girlfriends are just magic pixie dreamgirls and the male characters are disassociating and then rationalizing their crazy behavior? Sure. Definitely!
Weird science is about teenagers who make the perfect woman. They're rationalizing feeling insecure. They don't know how to talk to girls or how to feel comfortable in their own skin. They're both having a breakdown and they're imagining a fake woman who can solve all their problems. Wait, they're having a joint hallucination? It seems more plausible than creating a woman on the computer and then projecting that computer program into real life.
Oh my god. That means that mannequin could be about this guy who's obsessed with his work, that he forgoes relationships and even his own career for his art but he rationalizes it by making it into a woman! Oh, what if he feels guilt because he doesn't want to have sex with people? Like he's only attracted to objects. Like that's a thing. Yeah, it could be both of those at once. And Bewitched is just basically the story of a man who feels insecure about his wife wanting to be a working woman.
I mean, you're going to have to learn to be a suburban housewife. I'll learn. You'll see. I'll learn.
He views her choice to be a working woman as witchcraft. F*** yeah! I'll finally get to talk about Bewitched! Yes!
So in the Bewitched pilot, Bewitched's husband asks her to stop doing magic and be a real housewife. A normal, regular housewife.
You gave me your word no more, uh... Stuff. It's no harder to break the habit than I thought. Well, you can do it. The times are a-changin', alright? That mister needs to learn that women will do what they want! You go, girl!
Oh my god. And that means that I dream of Jeannie as about a widower who's imagining that his dead wife is a Jeannie and that the lamp that she lives in is actually the urn that holds her ashes. Oh my god, I just leave myself so sad. Those poor, sad men and their breakdowns that we delight in. I really used to like those shows and movies.
Yeah. But at least I came up with that magic pixie dream girl trope. You didn't come up with it. I did though! I did! I copyrighted it and I made it and I need this! |
cracked | 6_weirdest_fan_tributes_to_mario_bros_ | Hey everybody, welcome to episode 9 of Crack TV, sponsored by the Wisconsin Association of Inuit Mechanics. They're a small group, but we appreciate the support. With me, as always, is my co-host, Clips of Women I Find Sexually Intimidating.
Wow, you look, um, you look really nice today, Clippy. You look cute in a teddy.
Since his invention, Mario has changed his professions, his dimensions, made friends of enemies, and broken the Nintendo Sega barrier, and, along the way, he collected enough coins to make Nintendo richer than oil tycoon Jesus. And of all the strange things Nintendo's forced Mario to do for money, none of them hold a candle to the twisted machinations of his fans.
When Mario finally dies in a horrific carting accident, there's no question as to what song will be played at his funeral. The only question is, on what instrument? A fitting tribute to the world's fattest Olympian.
There's nothing particularly weird about mastering a game so thoroughly that it becomes an extension of your own thoughts. Well, if you're Japanese, anyway. But when someone utterly destroys a Mario Brothers game, how do their friends respond? To mod of the game, politely referred to as the Kaizo hack, and impolitely referred to as dude, why are you such an asshole?
Watch as Mario must descend to the bottom ring of the hell populated only by spiked turtles, football guys, and horror. To make matters even more surreal, here's a video that superimposes 134 attempts at beating that level. Jesus, they're going down like cheap hookers. It's like if a quantum wave function put on coveralls. All I can say is, the princess better be at the goddamn castle. And now, for the complete opposite of that, here's a Mario game where you win by not pressing any buttons whatsoever.
You know, at first, I didn't really see the point of this. But that's before I saw it synced up to Japanese synth pop. Oh, now I get it.
These people are insane. Sick of watching Mario clips yet? This detox was some wicked Halo footage. That's right, you can't escape.
Apparently, Mario appearing in every Nintendo game ever made and teaching us to type isn't enough. The obese plumber has to stick his sausage-like fingers into every digital pie imaginable. Digital pie.
Also an excellent Proud Rock band name, by the way. The only thing Mario hasn't yet invaded is the real world. So let's get on with it. You're probably aware of the Mario Brothers movie that turned goombas into guys with tiny heads and scarred every child in attendance. You may even have seen the Mario Brothers Super Show that stayed on the cutting edge of 80s pop culture by having Mario and Luigi rap about themselves in the third person. This of course led to the tragic Mario Tupac beef with the late 90s. But as ever, you can't top the fans. Hey, Mario, stay out of the real world. How'd you like it if I became a video game?
Bleep. Blip. Fucking. Block. Power up. Yeah. It's not pretty. Watch yourself.
It's like any beloved character. Mario's bound to inspire some fan art. Some of it's cute. Some of it's pretty awesome. And some of it will haunt your dreams. Honestly, I don't even know what the Mario Brothers are anymore.
A Kafka-esque exploration of man's dark nature. Psychopathic killers in a world gone mad.
Gay? Yeah. I'm leaning towards gay.
Well, that does it for this episode, folks, and man, staring at that fat bastard really made me hungry. What are you doing after the show tonight, Clippy? I mean, we could, if you're not too busy, maybe grab a bite or something. I know, a great little sushi. Yeah! Cold spaghetti alone it is, then. Remember, if you want to help me pick next week's topic, just draw an M on your hat, go out into the woods, eat as many mushrooms as you can find, and then the rest should pretty much take care of itself. I've been your host, Droid Michael Swaim. Allow me to play you out. |
programmersarealsohuman | interview_with_esolang_academic_2024 | You know, in Interkal, if police was not encountered often enough, the program gets rejected. I wish GitPRs were written in Interkal.
Do you happen to have a PS2 adapter for me? My main source of dopamine comes from arguing with 15-year-olds who find my repo on the Esolang Reddit and start bashing it. And then I bash them back.
This goes back and forth for a while until I can prove to them that I can write a highly efficient compiler in it. By that time, they have already graduated and have no interest in computers, but the pride remains forever. A Turing-torped has the goal of making a Turing-complete language as minimal as possible. In other words, we attempt to find the most effective way to waste time. I try putting computer science concepts where they shouldn't be.
Super Mario Maker is Turing-complete. Minecraft is Turing-complete. Gen 2 boot menu is Turing.
This is Godefish. This is an Esolang by TripleMathPhD who chose to write this instead of giving us the answer to the Hodge conjecture. We thank him for this.
This is SickPig. SickPig is the variation of pig that simulates a pig that is sick. I am a huge fan of SickPig.
I have too many computer science degrees to be employable at this point. There are perfect programming languages, and then there are those that are used. By beginners. Where's my Komski bookshelf?
I joined the elite. The elite requires some form of masochism. Technomasochism.
It's the journey that matters. The longer, the better. Sometimes I write a mulwich program. Sometimes I take a belt out and whip myself. Still better than JavaScript. The key drivers behind every successful Esolang. Are you writing it down?
Dead fish and brain fog are the OGs. Then it goes. Intercal. Befungi93. Rust.
It is not known to what extent Muller was aware or influenced by Bohm's language. P'', published in 1964. Of which Brainstorm can be considered a minor variation.
I create a robust, memory safe, elegant, concurrent, easily readable language. It's a great standard library and build system. Call it Zig, and I get death threats on Reddit. You come up with an Esolang made of pluses and minuses. And are called the king of computing. And have a dozen of compilers in my inbox by the weekend.
There is chicken. But there is also chicken-ish.
A dialect. I'm writing a compiler in Pete. Whitespace. Nikita Isikovsky created a compiler which translates programs from the brain fog like language small fog into smetana. While this is impressive, small fog is also a bounded storage machine without interactive input as such. Smetana to infinity is an extension of smetana. Well, this is standard literature. In this Esolang, you have a total repertoire of three go-tos and two come-froms. I call it XLBBA fixed.
And here is chicken and dead fish.
Running in a VM written in R0C interpreted in brain fog on an 8085 system. You know, any person in the Esolang discord could write you a compiler much faster than anything is on the market in a weekend. But no, instead they're creating brain juice adaptations and writing Java for a living. Average rustling doesn't even know how a computer works.
I have no understanding of teenagers under the age of 41.
But this is genius. This one uses Steganography. The source has to be an image. This is a PNG image. Where is this? It's a program containing Epstein's client list.
This is 5D brainstorm with a multiverse time travel. Which means you can go back to a previous state of the program. This is 5D. 5D brain fog.
There are basically two entry points. The main function and the glitch in the main... There is one that only consists of Unix shell commands. So you finally learn to master Solaris. What did I say? In Intercol 72 this can be do, please do or please. All of which mean the same thing to the program. But using one of these too heavily causes the program to be rejected. An undocumented feature in Intercol 72. It was mentioned in the C Intercol manual though.
Shakespeare. Simple stuff. Shakespeare variations are boring.
99% interpreted. 1% of my respect. In this language I still don't understand it. In fact currently nobody does. Which makes it so exciting. Arguing with these kids is so annoying. Stop being weird and finish these for language you promised us.
Mallbotch is easy. Try Mallbotch on Shackle.
It inciphers each command. So each time you run it you have to figure out... You know debugging this is like spa for me. They think they're smart giving me harder and harder challenges. They don't know I have all the time in the world.
The Isolang space isn't as policed as the academic space. It is as policed as the anime space though. And I contribute to that space regularly.
This guy again didn't categorize his Isolang correctly. It has the 99 page documentation. But it also couldn't take a little bit of time to prove if it's too incomplete. I wanted to use it. Maybe create a compiler in it. It's just another brain fog variation.
Except this one can detect if the program holds. This one can detect if the program holds.
This thing isn't ready for finite state machines. We can't even loop. Get this away from me. Can't program a truth machine or didn't happen.
This is false. Named after the author's favorite truth value. False.
Oh this? This is just APL. Yes, I'm not... No, this looks like a normal C program to you. But people don't know there is another program in white space embedded there as well.
Most Isols are stack based. Come on, be original. DQ based. I mean this looks promising, but does it satisfy hq9 plus coin? Okay, did any programmer made anything useful with this? Alright, then it's not worth my time. Shaved registers are not abnormal. I don't waste my time with things like that. AGI is a simple problem. Try a brain fog compiler with 34 charts. I only publish things that I find academically at least semi or quarter interesting. Or things that dump on JavaScript. Not everything is about optimizing BF compilers. Okay. And here is how in depth is you print anti-establishmentarism. If I have too much time, I come up with too many problems. Maybe roll out a Linux distro. I don't know.
I like this one in particular because it doesn't require variables and symbols and all of this bloat. Also I like it because it dumps on Python. So this is back rooms. This is a three-dimensional language.
With hallways, floors, rooms, arrows are for beginners. We only do undefined behavior. Here you don't get an arrow when you miss an instruction. You just fall through the floors until Python breaks.
Also created this debugger. A good debugger is the basis of every language. It's also not super golf yet, but it's already super slow. So let me open the back rooms IDE. Of course. What did I study computer science for? So here is the whole world guide for it. I get paid to write highly optimized compilers for mission-critical software. They don't receive that much care. So in this cross-platform, cross-functional environment for back rooms, it's minimal, Turing complete, visually pleasing.
So here, for example, it's going down and it's going left. Jumping to eboard. Then it's going to the right again. Read instruction. And you know the rest, right? Hold on.
I forgot my syntax. I wrote this language like three languages ago. So let me show you how I wrote this 3D game in back rooms. I'll just quickly fix the debugger before somebody notices the issue.
Out.
Programs make trade and traverse in parallel universes. In the 5D brain fog with multi-time travel. Each timeline can be executed simultaneously.
Which means... Are you following? Okay, but you know what a tape recorder is, right? What? What did we just spend the last two hours doing? Now explain it back to me.
In buckles now form. I wasted my time. Out. I fucked myself. |
cracked | proof_jj_abrams_doesn_t_understand_star_wars | Hi, I want to talk to you about Star Wars. Wait! Please stay!
I know. I'm tired of it too. But this is it now.
We're getting a new Star Wars movie once a year until the sun learns to talk. It doesn't matter if you're tired of talking about Star Wars. We are talking about Star Wars. Every year we're going to go through all of the phases. Phase one, pre-movie hype.
Every trailer looks so good! Oh, looks so good. Oh god, I can't... It looks so good, I can't wait. Looks so good.
Phase two, avoiding spoilers from careless publications and actual assholes trying to ruin it for people in between the premiere and the theatrical release. And I thought that the best utility of the character would be for him to sacrifice himself to a high ideal. True story, someone went out of their way to send me the sentence, Kylo Ren kills his father Han Solo. So spoiler alert. Phase three, post-movie hype.
Oh, it was so good, right? So good. Oh, so fun. It was a Star War, you know? It was fun. It was so good. So good.
Phase four, post-fifth viewing nitpicking. You know, cause there were a lot of plot holes and things I didn't like. Still really good, but wouldn't it have been cool if like Rey didn't believe in the force at all like Han in A New Hope? But I've never seen anything to make me believe there's one all-powerful force controlling everything. And so when she finally accepts her destiny and gains her powers, there's more weight to it. Or wouldn't it have been cool if Poe turned out to be a clone instead of just a very nice guy who rolls nothing but natural 20s and then shows up after miraculously not dying?
Could've been better, that's all I'm saying. Still pretty good. Still like really good. Really fun. Really fun movie. But, you know, could've been better.
Believe me, if you don't have an opinion about it, the internet does. Here's a surprisingly popular fan theory. Supreme Leader Snoke is actually Grand Moff Tarkin. Because, you know, in Star Wars everyone has to be everyone else. Spoiler alert, it turns out Josh is Bryan. Also, yeah, Supreme Leader Snoke is Grand Moff Tarkin, the guy we saw in the Bridge of the Death Star literally seconds before the Death Star exploded in the vacuum of space. Your fan theory is dumb. But no, no, everyone is everyone else. Like how Emperor Palpatine turned out to be Chancellor Palpatine.
Wait, why are we even theorizing? Why are there so many unanswered questions? Director JJ Abrams is obsessed with the idea of a mystery box.
Here he is at a TED talk. TED talking about it.
You place a mystery box in a story and your audience grows more and more intrigued by it until the story opens it and the contents blow your mind. He got this idea from the end of Empire when, spoiler alert, Darth Vader spoiler alert, turns out to be Luke's spoiler alert father. I am your father. Except that wasn't a mystery in A New Hope. We weren't sitting there waiting for a mysterious box to be opened. We were surprised that there was even a box at all. When A New Hope came out, there weren't a bunch of fan theories. Like, I think Darth Vader from Star Wars is Luke Skywalker from Star Wars is dad. And they didn't exist not because the internet didn't exist yet, but because Star Wars isn't a mystery. It's an adventure with twists and turns. I can fully enjoy A New Hope if I do or do not know who Luke's real dad is. I am your father.
I have all of the information I need to enjoy the film on its own. But The Force Awakens withholds information everywhere that would otherwise be useful. That would otherwise inform the emotions of the movie. We're not told who Rey's parents are, but we're told who Rey's parents are is important. So at the end of the film, she hugs Leia, who's her mom?
Aunt? Just some lady she's never met?
How should I feel when this happens? And you can say, well, just wait until the next one for these answers. The movie ends on a cliffhanger, after all. You can say that, but should I have to wait?
It's not a TV show. It's one movie. Shouldn't we be able to enjoy it like that? Like one complete movie? Cliffhangers are fine and dandy and should excite a viewer about what happens next. But I shouldn't still be scratching my head about why things happen at all, or what happened at all. This isn't lost. The only mystery we should be solving is how Poe got thrown from a deadly crash but first took off his jacket.
Tell me everything I need to know up front, you know? I'm going to see the next one no matter what. Everyone is. We saw the prequels no matter what, more than once probably. There's no need for cliffhangers, especially one that's just, I just want to know what Luke sounds like, you know?
The whole movie, they're looking for Luke. They're looking for him. And they find him.
And then you just cut a what? It's been 30 years.
He's played by a beloved, talented voice actor. He's the Joker. What does Master Luke sound like?
You know? Like, how dare you? Ooh, what if Snoke is Yoda? Like he's actually really tiny. Yeah. Ooh, what if Rey is Yoda?
Hey, everybody. Thank you so much for watching whatever that video was. We hope you enjoyed it. We here at Cracked have been nominated for two Webby Awards, Best Humor Website and Online Video Channel, which you are watching right now. So if you could go to the links in the description and vote for us both times, that would be amazing. We have until April 21st. Do it now. Thank you.
USA! |
TheBetootaAdvocate | EP_101_Presidential_Race_Special_featuring_Nine_s_US_correspondent_Charlie_Croucher | Before we get into the blood sport that is American politics right now with our guest Charles Croucher a note from the sponsor of our Show this week KO and with both winter codes of football launching You can watch every game but the AFL and NRL Premiership seasons anytime anywhere in Australia with KO and don't be like the rest of Australia and forget about super rugby Because you can also watch that too and speaking of blood sports You can get your UFC fix whenever you feel like it. All you gotta do is sign up with your free trial today So thanks to KO and let's get on with the show You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy overall editors of the Batutah Advocate on Desert Rock FM Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate radio show live here from the old city district in Batutah recording in the budgie smuggler studio Now there's been a lot going on of late. There's been a lot of elections It feels like we get a cluster of elections that we're invested in the Australian news cycles invested in we get a cluster of them Every every few years or in a row obviously last year we had the federal election the Australian federal election and Then shortly after that we had the British election and now obviously one that we've stayed clear of because it's of no interest To that many people in Batutah is the American federal election. Mm-hmm Yes, we've been focusing more on the local council elections that are coming up later this year we've got a swathe of very strong local candidates and Keith Carton's looking to cement his 17th term as mayor of Batutah and From all things we know it's going to happen again Keith Carton's real Australian party Looking good to take out the mayor again mayor position again, but in a equally controversial Political chasm on the other side of the world. We have a Republican president Donald Trump who is At this point in time going to be running up against one or two Leathery men who are actually older than him in the shape of Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden So to talk about that today, we're crossing live with Channel 9's US correspondent Charles Croucher, how are you Croucher?
I'm great.
Just thinking of Keith Carton on his 17th term. He's still younger than all three men in the race over here Yeah, he is and he's done a lot of living as When Trump's never drunk Bernie looks like he's kept it pretty tidy But Joe Biden do you reckon he's had a few dinner parties in his time? So Joe Biden's a bit like Trump in that they both sort of stay away from booze because it's like family histories Which is always one of those issues you think maybe there was something when they're a bit younger as well But Joe Biden has definitely done the Washington circuit for a long time decades That we say kind of in this current position where we're in like it doesn't look good for Bernie Sanders at this point at all But Bernie Sanders is the grandfather that still works as a boot maker, you know, he's 80 years old He's still at work. You can leave him there all day long. He can help out in the restaurant as well But then you've got Joe Biden who's kind of the grandpa that all the aunties are fussing about and you know want to make Sure, he's he's had dinner and has anyone seen him. She's the grandpa that kind of Retired six years ago and just started thinking about coming back It's like those rugby league players that come back after six years and they're like, oh, I'm not sure if that's a good idea I'm not sure how that affects your long-term mental health. That's Joe Biden at the moment, except he's 77 years old Yes, there is a certain land Ainsworth quality to to Joe Biden Yes Another metaphor is he is the Jamal Idris of American politics Comeback everyone thought he was done Was part of a really good team in about 2012.
That's about right Can you tell us you've seen it and you you you are luckily an insider outside You've got a actually, you know, a lot of American media aren't in the position you were in Whereas you're not overly invested in the result as as a countryman, but you are a nerd top to bottom You've always been a nerd. We've seen you since your early days in Darwin, you know You got your head around Darwin's volatile political climate at the time and now and now of course you've Translated those skills to the American presidential race.
What are you saying? Can you can you break down the brands what we've got?
I mean, it's everyone talks about deplorables the Trump voters the Bernie Bros, but what what does each of the three? 70-something men currently in the race. What do they all represent to American identity?
Well, Donald Trump is In whaps himself in the flag sometimes wraps the flag in himself and it kisses it on stage But Donald Trump is has this stranglehold on patriotism or what is believed to be patriotic Particularly in some of those smaller flyover states, you know, we've all seen the Trump rallies I can tell you they are out of this world when you actually go to them the energy There are old people that walk a couple of keys in the rain in some examples to line up to then get inside to hear what? Is effectively the same speech time and time again, but these are Fanatical fans there are young fans. There are older fans They give they you know They vote with their feet they vote with their wallets and they love the president and the thing about Donald Trump is they have made Up their mind.
He says that he could shoot someone in Fifth Avenue Go even further than that and they would still vote for him the Bernie Bros are kind of similar in their own way This is a lot of young people though and a real bulk of young people who are looking at the world now and saying There have been political institutions for the last couple of decades that have put the tip the odds against us They've got their thumb on the scales and they're making it hard for us And what they're seeing in Bernie Sanders is someone who is genuine. He's authentic He has always been this way and they're also saying This student debt paid off. They're seeing free college in the future They're seeing legalized marijuana everywhere and think this could be a good life as well They're seeing a more egalitarian society. The question then becomes what's Joe Biden's crowd? And I think what he's banking on is everyone else That's not a deplorable or not a Bernie bro that kind of like the way things were going on the Barack Obama that maybe want to see things drift a little bit back to the left but In essence want to see things quieten down now There's so much noise over here and we see it a little bit in the in Australia as it filters back through But they just want things to go back to normal and Joe Biden has been normal for so long He's just been part of the furniture. He's been in the Senate for I think was near on four decades then became vice president You know, he's he's rough around the edges. He was middle-class Joe He's gaff prone which we know but that's kind of it's comforting. It's warm to them It's something they can feel safe and secure with and I think that's what he's really banking on If he is the candidate that takes on Trump in in 2020.
I just want to turn the focus now to Who could potentially be the running mate because that's also quite important as we saw with John McCain Yeah years and years ago. How are Choosing the wrong running mate can be just as bad as you know Anything else who do you think in the hypothetical situation that Joe Biden does roll Bernie? Who do you think out of the establishments gonna run with Joe? So if you're Joe Biden the big challenge is getting all those young people that fell in line with Bernie Sanders to come out And vote because Hillary Clinton didn't do that. So Hillary Clinton chooses Tim Kaine. He's establishment. He's reliable He's from Virginia and the Bernie Bros just stayed home now There's lots of reasons for that but there's an old saying that Democrats fall in love Republicans fall in line so Republicans will fall in line behind their candidate if you've fallen in love with Bernie Sanders like so many people Over here have what's going to inspire you to get out go to the polls in some situations You know hold your nose close your eyes and vote for the Democrat Even though it's not the one you're in love with and I think that's where Joe Biden be looking. I think he'll want Progressive he realizes his age. So you want someone young so you've got to look at someone around 50 or younger You want someone that's probably a woman because that's the way of the future That's the way that America has so desperately needed for a while and they're looking around and saying They haven't had a female president or vice president looking at every other Sort of Western country and thinking perhaps we're a little behind the times and then if you're Joe Biden You've got a big question. Do you look at the minorities and say we need someone Latino to try and win back those voters that have gone to Bernie Sanders Do we double down on the African American vote because they were the people to go to Barack Obama across the line in that coalition And there are some great candidates there Or do you look at someone who needs to be able to step into the job because let's be honest Joe Biden is 77 And there is the chance that in four years time the other thing to look at Joe Biden's not gonna run again in 2004 he so much as admitted that last week.
He said he's a bridge to the next generation So right go through that goes to that scenario. It's people like Kamala Harris from California, etc. Very popular Stacey Abrams from Georgia is probably my tip at the moment. She's electrifying with young people That's your value bet. You get good price for it too at the moment.
She's great or maybe Elizabeth Warren Yeah, now she's someone who the Bernie bros like she's progressive I mean or you really roll the dice and go like Alexandria Ocasio-cortez He might be a little bit risky She's still in the race She hasn't pulled out. She got one delegate in Americans. She got she's Samoan and got less votes in Samoa Yeah, had seven people on staff and we Americans Yeah, so I think they're the three big candidates so Cory Booker would be great as well like he's electrifying young African American It's it's someone from that field Tell us a little bit about the race before this particular moment Was was this Bloomberg thing?
Is it is there any strategy is there any excellence to this madness as we just mentioned? He spent he had seven full-time staff in American Samoa, which was the only state that he won Territories slates the state slash territory that he won I mean, that's a lot of money American Samoa. You could have probably taken that with targeted Facebook ads You didn't need seven people on the ground. Yeah, because like according to Calculations here. He basically spent eight point two million dollars per delegate.
He got yeah And look, that's that's money terribly spent I mean that'd be like an Australian party investing all in on Christmas Island just to win that booth That's part of some other seat He was probably one good debate Away from being where Joe Biden is now really and that all stay Things things weren't better for him in that debate That was the one chance people got to see of him and he just got pillared by Elizabeth Warren I mean she just tore him apart She fill out him on stage and that was kind of his whole campaign done a few days later Joe Biden win, South Carolina then all the door the establishment Democrats the moderates fall in behind him and We've seen the most remarkable turnaround in about 50 years. It all sort of started then had he not made that debate stage He was the popular one because Joe Biden was one of those fragile front runners No one was really sure about him. Everyone liked him in The moderates you just weren't sure about him. And once he started winning, I think they they thought he was their man You know that we travel around and we've spoken to so many Democrats and the one thing They all want is to beat Donald Trump, you know We have a saying the key word is the a word electability and the way you prove your elected was by winning elections and Joe Biden just started doing that and had Had Mike Bloomberg done that somewhere better than I think the party would have swung in behind him as well Elizabeth Warren was leading the race six months ago She was on the ascension and there was no way of catching her was the big question was should Bernie pull out? Kamala Harris six eight months ago was leading after she did the same thing that Elizabeth Warren did a Bloomberg She did to Joe Biden in the first debate. So there's never been a clear front runner, you know this time Last year. It was probably Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders funnily enough That's where they ended up. But at no stage did that seems stable and that's continued even till now. Do you think that uh, Hypothetically if Bernie Sanders gets the nod would he take Elizabeth Warren along with him or Would it be more wise for them to really? For the Warren campaign to hand over the delegates to Bernie and give it one red-hot crack Yeah, I think the red-hot crack and I think he faces the same problem. Joe Biden does right he is 78 years old. He's a white male and that's just so far away from where the Democratic Party is these days It's meant to be this inclusive big tent and he got the the two oldest men in the race effectively fighting it out again Same names would come up with him Stacey Abrams Kamala Harris Possibly there's some pretty sort of out there Congress women that he could choose that would really sort of take on this and really push the revolution or Tulsi Gabbard Yeah, he's actually not That would be like having having Sarah Palin on the ticket It'd be wild again and it's gonna be a wild enough election given who's on the other side Have there been any I mean, obviously you've just said a lot of surprises It hasn't been very stable and it was really kind of the party was going to back whichever horse pulled away a full horse Length and that seems to have been Joe Biden at this point could have been any of them But what yeah, what are the more individual surprises you've seen across?
I mean was Nevada the biggest surprise so far Just how much Bernie Sanders Managed to galvanize the Latino vote, you know, he's known as Tio Bernie. Uncle Bernie. It's this real sort of Faction of the in the community. He's picked up really well Pete Buttigieg kind of came from nowhere But there's a guy who's a small-town mayor, but you know town slightly bigger than Batutah, but not by much Who managed to somehow become the cool young face of the Democrats?
Despite being from Indiana, he was a war veteran. He was gay and married to his husband.
He spoke six languages He was the most unlikely candidate yet He was the one I like he won the first contest and then it was probably the disappointing results like Beto O'Rourke It was the big shining star after 2018 who did nothing came in sort of flailed around Said he's gonna take everyone's guns and then bad at a few weeks later There were just so many people in this race too and then I guess Marianne Williams Williamson who was the the clairvoyant was Oprah's spiritual guider and got herself somehow onto the first debate stage and then It spent most of the time speaking about positive vibes and auras and said she was going to take on Just into our dirt and say game on girlfriend about being the new cool Leader and she's still a figure here somehow and then the the Yang Gang that was the one Probably is the biggest thing that were great But the Yang Gang is a whole new era and if Andrew Yang's if the Yang Gang can show up That would go a long way to help Joe Biden Did the Yang Gang like how big a base are we talking Andrew Yang the guy that was really into digital currencies and Everyone everyone a thousand bucks a month. That was his idea What how big how big was that following by the end of it? It's very passionate online pretty big He was still pulling fours and fives I've gotten a lift with him one day in in Detroit before one of the debates and just him and I and I was like Hey, how you got me said? Yeah, I'm really good The badge said math on it.
That was it. That was our entire conversation.
This is a strange guy But hey, he's got some great ideas and I think I wouldn't be surprised if the Democrats win and that's a huge years if he's not part of some kind of a cabinet position as well because he's got a big support a big following and Shifted the conversation by a lot more than the established They were governors and and senators and staff that didn't shift the conversation as much as Andrew Yang did It's the same as that people to judge like these guys shouldn't Using all kind of logic shouldn't have been on the debate stage in the source place But they were really driving it and they were a real force in the race Well, I've heard he's going to have a tilt at being the mayor of New York But yeah that remains to be seen but I just like to move on to Super Tuesday, this is this is the next big contest that's coming up the Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders where there's you know upwards of four to five hundred Delegates on offer here and this is probably going to make or break the two candidates and the and the seats Yeah up there are Arizona Florida, Illinois Ohio and a few days after you've got Georgia They seem like a good mix of states I mean you've got ones in the south you got one in the north you got one in the middle How do you reckon each candidate's going to fare on Tuesday? So, so Florida Florida is pretty strong Joe Biden country good mixes of elder Americans down there that swing Biden Good mix of African Americans down there that swing Biden and also Bernie Sanders has been pretty vocal in some of his support for Dictators in the past particularly Fidel Castro that doesn't sit well with the Cubans in Florida That's gonna hurt Arizona's interesting because that's Bernie Sanders big Latino base, but Joe Biden's Arizona's the the most loved politician in Arizona has been for decades is John McCain So now the guy you mentioned he's Arizona John McCain's best friend is Joe Biden They ran against each other, but Joe Biden spoke at John McCain's funeral I think that will have a big impact on how he's seen in in Arizona Ohio is always a huge swing site. That's one of the Bernie's sort of loved areas from 2016 I wouldn't be surprised if that's his last stand up there and then Illinois was of course Barack Obama's home state So there's still some pretty some pretty goodwill towards Joe Biden there and I do wonder whether Barack Obama is starting to just Nudge his weight in one direction sooner or later whilst he's remaining out of the race officially So after that, there's not too many big contests left. I mean, there's Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, New York, New Jersey and That's really about it Yeah, New York where where Bernie Sanders was born, Pennsylvania where Joe Biden was born by that stage I think the race will probably be over at least know who's going to go into the conference with the most delegates and Really I think unless it's neck-and-neck or Bernie Sanders is in full-blown revolution mode If if Bernie Sanders is leading by by a margin Joe Biden will quit if Joe Biden's leading by margin Bernie Sanders will quit if it's Close it's going to be the messiest two months Since like the 60s over here in politics and and that will only benefit Donald Trump So when was the last time they called it? That late in the game into the 60s Like at the convention there was a bit of drama at the convention in 68 That was the Democratic convention when Bobby Kennedy was leading, of course, and they got shot. Yeah, and so that ended up pretty messy late 50s from memory They were trying to run against eyes and how are the Democrats again and things got really ugly and then there was one around the time Just after Jimmy Carter would be the election Jimmy Carter won Gerald Ford going to 76 when Ronald Reagan had his first crack and that got really ugly towards the convention on the Republican side But most of the time people just give in and march from there Now, can you just give us a little bit of a rundown here on that? You mentioned it before the obviously the Obama legacy that Joe gets to carry Joe Biden gets to carry But also you've got this african-american voter base who just aren't that interested in Bernie Sanders Unlike the Latinos we mentioned earlier Latino Hispanic But Joe Biden do you think he carries this kind of loyalty from from black America because he played second fiddle To that Africa the first african-american president for eight years Yeah, it can't hurt.
Yeah, you know, he's good enough for Barack Obama. He's good enough for me in many ways He got the endorsement the guy named Jim Clyburn who?
Right now he's effectively the kingmaker what he did for Joe Biden in South Carolina Kickstarted along with my Bloomberg's demise, but really told all those voters in South Carolina You can trust this guy and that really set the ball rolling for Joe Biden That was a few weeks ago and the vote before Super Tuesday I think they the African-american voters and of course not everyone votes the same but pretty loyal to Joe Biden as well because he's been around for so Long and he goes to church in Georgia. He goes to churches in South Carolina. He's a Catholic I think he would be this could be wrong the second Catholic President behind Kennedy. This is a it's it's sort of a thing Of course Bernie Sanders with the first Jewish president if he's elected to so that's the thing as well There's history on both sides the American American middle is quite I mean Catholicism in Australia is a big bush thing It's out.
It's out west Young old boy yourself in the Hunter Valley child. I am remember but they That's a regional thing in Australia in America Catholicism's more the cities and towns and of course Latino areas and the mafia but it but in the middle in the middle, it's Protestant Protestant evangelical Evangelicals.
Yeah, and that's that's who's right behind the president at the moment So that becomes its own battle and I think it look Joe Biden is moderate I think largely the african-american community are moderate as well and they sort of sort of appeals mortared today They spawn the on the political spectrum obviously not everyone votes the same but overwhelmingly so far and and Really we saw it in the states that voted last week states like Michigan and Missouri Where do you know one place Joe Biden won the african-american vote by 70 points or something? It's just become an on event which is almost unexplainable too because Bernie Sanders is espousing Policies that would probably benefit a lot of sort of lower-class african-american Communities less so those that are in the middle class and wealthier But you know, there's a lot of voters there that just aren't listening to his message at all Yep, so all of this discussion Charlie could be for nothing because they're gonna have to Jump the biggest hurdle and that's knocking Donald off his perch Are we gonna see an election result like we saw in? 1984 or is this going to be more or less like a 2000 I Think closer to 2084 84 is I just don't know that Ronald Reagan was beloved by everyone by that Yeah At least a large amount by that stage and also that the maps have changed in America is terribly divided The blue areas are getting blue or the red areas are getting redder and there's less in between that is those that vote Democrat Congregating at the big cities in large cases are getting more Democrat and the Republican areas many places the regions are getting more Republicans I don't think there's the scope for that kind of huge win like we saw look Donald Trump is the favorite There's no doubt about it. He has an election machine that he's better funded better resource better organized than it was Four years ago. He has a Republican Party that is entirely his it wasn't four years ago People forget Ted Cruz went to that convention and didn't endorse Donald Trump He told people to vote their conscious up and down the ticket at one point the speaker of the house said he was just Gonna campaign for local candidates and forget about the president like things were going badly for that Trump campaign Not much could have gone worse and he still won so they would be confident hitting in the question is whether Joe Biden or Bernie Sanders can get enough of the Democrats to show up this time because as you'd know Donald Trump Didn't win with a huge amount of voters, but he won in the right spots. It was smart campaigning smart investing now You look at those states that we part of Hillary's blue wall, Michigan, Pennsylvania Wisconsin will they come home again this time to the Democrats or will Donald Trump keep hold and now of course Ted Cruz who made life so hard for Donald Trump in that initial presidential dash is suffering from coronavirus There's a few of my be and that might be that's the x-factor that you know No one can really play to like what does that do to the economy because the economy's singing at the moment That's going to be the thing that Donald Trump holds his hat on. However, he is not unbeatable Which is too many negatives But this is the guy who lost elections and couldn't get got it couldn't get candidates across the line in Kentucky The same thing happened down in Alabama You know These are these are red states that didn't vote for Donald Trump and then it didn't vote Donald Trump's candidates And then the same thing happened in that midterm election. So Democrats will be confident The question is as we said can the Bernie Bros suck it up and vote for Biden can the Biden crew the moderates if Bernie Wins go to the polls and show up orders Donald Trump's momentum, you know, he's got fundraising He's got crowds and all that thing. There is also a crazy scenario. That is also possible this time where Bernie Sanders or Joe Biden wins Michigan and Pennsylvania Donald Trump's holds on to Wisconsin and picks up a seat in mind and we have a 269 each tie on the electoral college and then week it goes into weird places after that. It's highly possible Unlikely, but possible and that would be such a 20-20 result if that's the way it went So, can you tell us a little bit about just quickly before we let you go? You're um, so for those listening at home Charlie Croucher is is via Skype here and he's doing this outside just away from the noise of his of his rowdy household Which also means to the to the passers-by you're having a very animated LA Can you tell us a little bit about coronavirus because one stat that we always look at when we talk about the momentum of Donald Trump Has he gained voters or has he lost them? Has he would he have gained voters since the last time he's elected to you were over there in 2016 And he didn't like not he played moneyball not many people turned out for him less people turned out for Donald Trump than Mitt Romney in An election that Mitt Romney lost to Obama.
I mean, obviously he won votes where they matter in, you know regional booths We have that same same thing in Australia. Yeah where you can kind of you can game it a little bit if you win You know electorates By folks talk to Kim Beasley about it. Yeah So effectively he won that election on 300,000 votes across very pivotal Delegations or booths across America.
Can you tell us? these coronavirus going to affect the turnout do you think and Has it already has it already affected turnout in the primaries? Well, it's crazy in the primaries would be have Now at the stage where rallies are being canceled, you know, the debate had no crowd This stuff is all Unprecedented and kind of wild as well and it's so hard to predict and Donald Trump gets so much energy and so much Publicity from those rallies, they're huge by the way, so does Bernie Sanders his rallies are much bigger than Joe Biden That's part of his appeal, you know young people get out turn out and and shout out They scream for Bernie and he has bands like the strokes Playing with him. There's all these kind of groups that get up and support him public enemy I Look the biggest impact will be the economy and if the economy goes and it gets really hard for Donald Trump because yeah There's statistics in the history, even though Donald Trump tends to defy statistics and history as he always does but you're right about that that Tactical money ball is the way you call it There's you know There's saying over here that if you've got five dollars in one pocket and the popular vote in the other Then you can get a I guess a schooner a patoot a bitter the Lord Gladstone. Yeah, if you haven't got the five dollars though You've got nothing. Yeah, and that's what Hillary Clinton walked home with She had the popular vote in one pocket, but she got nothing Yeah And that's what what someone like Bernie Sanders or Joe Biden with a Bernie Sanders would beat Donald Trump by I would imagine Yeah millions possibly in in California But it's still only worth the same amount as a vote where you win, California by one and that's the biggest problem So coronavirus is a huge x-factor One that would be hard to think of an example in the past where that's had to play a part You know whether it impacts voting or not wait and see but but the economy certainly and people can't travel then that becomes another big Thing well when you say when you say the economy's doing alright, it's singing at the moment What does that mean in America?
Does that mean you know? Like it like I meant in Australia during the mining boom where you know people in the suburbs are buying high-end shops You know what? I mean? What does it mean in America?
Does it are people in the rust belt back at work? Is that what you would see a jet skis more people at work? Yeah, exactly It's the hard party people are employed. They might be underemployed. They might be working You know multiple part-time jobs and the big thing over here that doesn't necessarily mean they get health care That's the biggest part, you know, Nancy Pelosi who's for now the senior Democrat She said this election is going to be one on six words health care health care health care And so that's where Democrats are going Donald Trump will say look at unemployment rights, you know If you have a job you have a way to a living you're on that lady you start to climb Look Wall Street's not the economy But it's a pretty good marker and it's easy to see and something important to and that's what Donald Trump's done And if these tax cuts are going to come in then that's going to be more money in people's pockets and when that goes back to that Reagan campaign of 80 when you said You know as easy to go to the shops and buy things and Trump will say something similar It's morning in America again.
There you go. Yeah It's morning in the tour Well, it's evening in LA so thank you Not for the people in this apartment They're practically googling, but today Real nervous now Thank you for joining us crouch Anything else you anything any other curveballs to come or do you reckon it's just now? I mean if it's neck-and-neck, New York will be the decider May I New York's New York's pretty pretty establishment?
I think they would swing their governor Andrew Cuomo was one of the first to come out behind Joe Biden I think that's when in behind Joe Biden I guess the mayor Bill de Blasio's but one of the few people to endorse Sanders So that would be a fun race, but I think that'd be somewhere Joe Biden He pretty confident of winning at what point in the 2008 campaign. Do you reckon Obama tore away? Because he was a surprise. He was not the value bet No, he won he won Iowa first up lost badly in New Hampshire I think he was probably against South Carolina and Nevada like into Super Tuesday Got his nose in front and by that stage it became almost okay for people to swing in behind Brack Obama Where before it was, you know, the establishment was behind Hillary I think since then he was sort of gone in many the same ways like Bernie Sanders and 16 got in front In using Michigan, which he lost last week But using Michigan all of a sudden became his rice. So yeah Obama was I mean that was a movement as well He had people turning out he had celebrities turning out He had the money and the fundraising and that was kind of that was over once he got past Super Tuesday And that was when he was still in his 40s, right? Bill Clinton could run today and he would be the youngest person in the field of the three men He's younger than Donald Trump younger than Bernie Sanders young that younger than Joe Biden.
He left office 20 years ago This is wild Well, thanks for joining us Croucher and then all the best you'll be you'll be back in Australia on 9 soon Soon soon forward to it. See you soon. All right. See you crouch |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Brave_Admission_Morning_Wood_Inflation_More_October_4 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Welcome back to the weekly Batutah Advocate bulletin. There's been a lot going on in the news.
There always is in this country of 25 million people divided down the middle by two religions particularly. We have the Protestants and we have the Quakers. There are minority groups in this country but they have too much power so we're not going to mention them on this podcast today.
How are we going Errol and Wendell? Oh you know just had to quickly say my Hail Marys this morning in secret as you just pointed out my religion is one that has to be hidden apparently in this country. Yeah well I mean good on you mate that's you know we don't want to hear about it you know what I mean. Yeah I don't know. Yeah it gets a bit tiring Errol we do bang on about it a little bit. I'm alright Clancy. I'm significantly poorer than I was this time a week ago but tends to happen around this time of year doesn't it?
Spring carnival mate. Yeah spring carnival.
Do you want to get us started mate on these Melbourne Cup stories? Yes yeah yeah we had a few Melbourne Cup stories that generated a fair bit of traction online as you said split down the middle a lot of comments on social media. One of the bigger ones was about an owner of a puppy farm Labrador who lives in a one bedroom inner city apartment saying nup to the cup. Yes a Brunswick woman has this week made sure to let all the people in her online echo chamber know that she will be saying nup to the cup. Taking to her heavily curated social media accounts Beck O chamber revealed that she will be seizing on the yearly opportunity to gratify herself by using emotive language to belittle people who enjoy a day off and criticize the horse racing industry. Speaking from her one bedroom apartment where she lives with her golden lab who she bought for a cheap price from some out-of-town owners who she pretended didn't have a puppy farm, O chamber says she is disgusted at Australia. Honestly anyone who supports horse racing should have a green tart put around them she said to us.
I don't care if most people are pretty apathetic to the race itself it's disgustingly cruel said the woman who has a large toy dog to keep her company. Horses are locked up and used for human enjoyment she continued as her cooped up lab let out a small subdued woof. Until people are done with them.
And that is actually what her voice sounded exactly like. We couldn't find the quote it got lost. Sometimes it's very hard to understand people speaking in that Melbourne dialect of Australian English. Melbourne the Melbourne dialect.
Now another story about large land animals and we head up to Sydney with Mossman cops revealing that they had the biggest boners over the possibility of shooting a couple of lions. Yes cops in the sleepy lower North Shore of Sydney this week revealed that they woke up with the biggest morning wood ever. A media officer for the local area command named Alex de Angelis explained that the entire unit was pretty trigger-happy on Wednesday morning after learning that five lions were on the loose. Yes the incident occurred at Taronga zoo and five lions reportedly escaped their enclosure and started wandering around the place which is literally the one thing that a zoo should prevent from happening. Both cops and groundskeepers then spent the morning frantically working to recapture the animals before police could turn up and pull an old Cincinnati zoo incident. Yeah we didn't need that lingering over our heads for the next decade or so explained a zookeeper at arguably the best attraction in the nation's most expensive and boring city. As a result of the quick recapture of the animals it's believed the local Mossman cops have since filed paperwork insisting blue balls as a debilitating workplace injury after their rock-hard boners were left to go flaccid without spilling any big cat blood at Taronga zoo. I'll tell you who could have solved this problem much quicker than these cops Glenn McGrath.
And he would have even taken a few photos with the lions as well. Yeah they did recapture the lions but unfortunately we've heard the reports there are still a few animals on the loose. A lion, a zebra, a hippo, a giraffe.
Hold on a second mate I've seen this one before. Well hopefully we use our antique submarines to sink them before they even break our special quarantine rules. Yeah it's pronounced Madagascar not matter who. Now we move on to a story from here in town.
Local news now and a Batutah man is contemplating life after learning that a new pram cost more than he paid for his old 1993 NC Fairlane. Yes a Batutah Hot City worker opened his net bank this morning to see he's worth significantly less than he was last week discovering that a pram he agreed to buy with his wife is worth more than the 1993 NC Fairlane he drove around in his 20s. He said I knew that there were probably prams out there that cost that much but I didn't think they'd be available at the Batutah Heights Westfield and he continued he said but yeah I get that you can get a pram for 20 bucks and it'll complete the job of keeping a child off the ground and easy to move around but yeah look it might give them scoliosis and my dreams of following them around on the PGA or LPGA will be over but even if they have the best pram they could grow up to be a genuine idiot it doesn't matter how smart you are if you get pushed around in a Bugaboo Fox as a baby you can still grow up to be a highway patrolman or even a fucking parking ranger. Anyway I just thought this was insightful you know how wages haven't gone anywhere but everything has gotten more expensive.
That is insightful back to the question from last week maybe Westfield maybe I'd vandalize a Westfield I know it's not technically a public. That sounds like terrorism. Yeah I think it's a shame I think it's a bit of an affront. Yeah well there's enough people running around Queen Street Mall in Brisbane with guns.
Hear hear Errol Parker now we'll finish up with some entertainment news and housemates of a Taylor Swift fan have been forced to turn off the mains power after an entire week of waterboarding Clancy. Yes a sharehouse in South Petuta has today been forced to take drastic action after seven days of non-stop Taylor Swift echoing through the halls of their quaint five-bedroom project home. It is believed that one of the tortured housemates decided to take matters into their own hands. Enough is enough he said flicking the mains power off at the switchboard hear that silence. This literal power move follows the release of Taylor Swift's latest chart-topping album titled Midnights. The new record has managed to nab the entire top 10 single spots in the US charts and has broken all records for streaming in the history of online music. The airwaves inside the Petuta sharehouse is also being dominated by this particular body of work. Yeah unfortunately there was a little bit of silence but then the housemate we spoke to he heard the power on noise you know that of a portable Bluetooth speaker so I believe the noise has begun again. But look you know she's a country music fan and Taylor Swift is the greatest country music musician of all time so you gotta celebrate a new album.
Yeah look or you could do what I did to my overinsured Californian bungalow that the council wouldn't let me renovate on Greenbrier Road down there. I put a whole bottle of metho into the dryer and then I turned it on and then I went down to the shops and I came back and the house was on fire. Anyone in the house at the time? Because that's the problem with five housemates. No mate no no no no just my hopes for the future because they discovered that the house burned down from a fucking bottle of metho on the dryer.
You've still got a few hundred thousand hopes for the future out of it I think. We'll see mate. Anyway that's all for this week have a good weekend. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_234_6_months_of_Albanese_with_Lech_Blaine | Rishi Sunak has taken the reins as the British Prime Minister after a whopping 45 days from the predecessor Liz Truss, it was a very very funny turn of events there where Boris Johnson nearly became Prime Minister again, he must have been offered a very plum posting to not put his hat in the ring because he would have got it, it would have been very Kevin Julia Kevin of them to do. Elsewhere in the world, Bolsonaro, is that how you say it Wendell? Close enough yeah, Bolsonaro, Bolsonaro, Bolsonaro, the Italian stallion that was the president of Brazil, pro-logging candidate, has lost his place to effectively the Brazilian Biden, Lulu, whatever they call him, Lula, so he's got dementia, unfit for office. Well he's 77 years old and he's a career neo-liberal left-wing politician.
The only positive is that he, so he's just the other guy. The other guy who is just alive enough to beat the populace.
Almost like what happened here. Well yes, and we're going to talk about that today, Australia's, you know this is a trend we're seeing around the world where all the big chest beating leaders that kind of came in during the scary war on terror and all these Facebook elections that led us to these charismatic kind of leaders from Trump to Boris to Bolsonaro to Duterte Harry in the Philippines and Scott Morrison here, they've all kind of filtered out now. I think the pandemic had a lot to do with that, people wanting a little bit of competency and a little bit of stability, but in Australia it was a weird turn of events where literally, you know we used to call Morrison the night watchman because he came on as a surprise winner of that leadership spill that Dutton held against Turnbull.
We used to call him the night watchman because we didn't think he'd last. He obviously won another election. Yeah, he showed us didn't he? Yeah, he showed us, he did another term, but Albanese might be the real night, I wouldn't say night watchman, but definitely a Bradbury. You look at Albanese a year ago to Albanese six months ago, the transformation was epic.
Tim Payne. Pardon? Dare I say, Tim Payne. Tim Payne, yeah.
It's coming in after a bit of a saga drama, just a cool head to lead the ship. Yeah, just a good PR image. Before a few of his own sagas. Yes, potentially. But this month marks six months of Albanese and we think it's time to kind of look back, assess what got him in and look at what the first six months of his government looks like and there's no better way to do this than to fill a room with four white men from Queensland. You've got of course myself Clancy Overall, you've got Wendell Hussey, you've got Errol Parker, the pundits from Tutor Advocate.
I'm white ethnic. He's white ethnic. I'm also white, but I'm from Hong Kong.
Yeah, so you can make of that what you want. He's an expat, not an immigrant. But we do have one of Queensland's great social commentators, writers and I guess you'd say political analysts, translators of the anxious and jumpy Queensland voters. Lek Blain, thank you for joining us. Your third start on the Tutor Advocate podcast. Thanks for having me mate.
Yeah, I just got back from Queensland. It's beautiful up there. Darling Downs, where were we talking? Yeah, I did a week in Brizzy then went up to Toowoomba for the weekend and so just catching up with family and friends and yeah a few delinquents and a few Broncos fans.
Out there in Queensland's un-mowed lawn belt. Un-mowed lawn. Yeah, un-mowed lawn belt.
Yeah, that makes sense. Toowoomba's beautiful. Toowoomba? Yeah, it looks great. Yeah, Poowoomba.
Did they end up getting that de-sow plant or what? No, but they ended up feeding the water through anyway, secretly I believe.
Good on them. Now Lek, we want to talk to you. You wrote in an essay, last time we had you in here, sorry we'll clarify, you just released your memoirs, Car Crash, and before that we'd had you in talking about your essay for the monthly on Peter Volantis during the the pandemic and the NRL's great return to operations as the first football code in the world to get back on the ground, back on the pitch in the pandemic. You've since published a book, I know you're up in Queensland bouncing around working on your next book, we won't talk too much about that today because you're tied up with duct tape and NDAs and fucking embargoes and all that kind of stuff because, you know, the second book's always the biggest and we're expecting just as much success and another bestseller from you. But your essay we want to talk about today, Victory was titled, where was that published? Back in the monthly. In the monthly? First kind of full-length synopsis that we were able to read in the days after Albanese won government. How long did you spend on that one?
I would have spent really the election campaign and a little bit before it but it was kind of the culmination of everything that I've been writing really since I started writing for the monthly back in 2019 and so I sort of covered the electoral cycle and from before the last election to just after this election so I was pretty burnt out, chuck in COVID, chuck in an addiction to chocolate milk and yeah. And the collapse of the Brisbane Broncos. And the collapse of the Brisbane Broncos and I was really at the end of my tether so it was quite an emotionally draining election campaign but got back up to Queensland, went to the Hunter, went up to Bill Wheeler and just tried to keep on doing what I've been doing really since 2019 which is just getting a sense of how people felt maybe away from the daily news cycle that we saw on you know national TV and national radio.
Now I wanted to ask you about that Lek. You spoke to so many different people from different parts of the country all over the country who come from different walks of life and have different jobs lifestyles all that sort of stuff but I don't seem to see that a lot in traditional media, mainstream media maybe. Why do you think that is? Why do you think journalists are so scared to go and actually have conversations with people in places like Toowoomba or Bundaberg or Bill Wheeler or that sort of stuff? Why don't we see a lot of it until someone like you writes this big piece which talks to all of these different people? I think you do see it. I think you see the sort of fly-in interviews and kind of vox pops with normal people in inverted commas but I think the beauty of what I'm allowed to do with the monthly is that I kind of and I don't really get compensated for how long I spend with people and I don't do this deliberately but I just rock up how I would rock up anyway like so I'll rock up in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and I talk to the people that I interview generally for at least an hour so it's not really a vox pop it's not what do you think of Morrison what do you think of Albanese what do you think of Australian politics because generally I find that those are the least interesting responses it's usually when you've been talking to someone for like 45 minutes or an hour they will say something quite profound or interesting or kind of revealing about both their life and maybe the way that they view politics and those two things are connected and without that kind of biographical information or emotional core I think that you end up just getting yeah really like a 10 second 15 second grab of I hate Scott Morrison or I hate Anthony Albanese yeah yeah those little grabs that you see on the news sometimes that don't really offer too much so it's about the time spent talking to these people yeah and it's not like it's not like I'm doing anything particularly revolutionary like I think that the 24 hour news cycle probably can't accommodate that kind of length and depth and that's just the way that it is like you can't you can't do those kind of interviews with everyone but but yeah I think the people that I talk to generally relax as well because you know I've spent a lot of time around people who I don't necessarily have the same political opinions as and I don't get upset or rant and rave or patronize people just because I've spent a fair bit of time in quite hairy situations and so interviewing someone about politics isn't it just comes naturally it's just having a conversation with someone and trying to find out what makes them tick it is interesting you say that because those Vox pops those sound bites that you'll get on you know channel 7 channel 9 even ABC you know on the ground they're not you see they're not interesting but they're also not that insightful because Queenslanders have this innate ability to either put themselves out there as a disruptor or put themselves out there as a conformist they're either going to say I'm in on skimo or I fucking hate skimo they're gonna say that off the bat and then it takes you know another bit of you know massaging and then you find out a lot of the people who say I fucking hate skimo you know actually they didn't feel a bit sorry for him and then the people who love skimo actually you poke them for a little while and you find out that they're actually they think he's a moron yeah Queenslanders you know quite a quite stoic in a sense where you kind of need to massage it and I guess it's not it's not so much the time it's also the environment you're in you know out front of the post office you know not on the streets in front of the electoral ballot yeah and people don't want to feel like you're trying to make them look like a dickhead yeah and so if you actually have a chat to them and and kind of just you know another thing that I do is I like beyond not not being dressed in a suit because I like I can't remember the last time I wore a suit but you know I tell people a bit about myself and that's probably something that journalists generally don't like that I'm the journalist says a traditionally and like yeah I never did a journalism degree I haven't done a cadetship so I think traditionally journalists taught to remove themselves from both the story and from the interviews and and there's kind of this invisible wall between the journalist and the voter and the politician and yeah I just never learned that so when I'm having a conversation like I talk about myself and you know try and find points of commonality and whether it's like you know just geographical facts is almost Gonzo in a way yeah and then they're like there is example where like you know that people talk about the pub test and a lot of the people that talk about the pub test you can't imagine them ever going to an actual pub yeah but there is sometimes extremely good material that can be found by just walking into a pub and having a beer with someone and and and not and as I said not being there for 20 minutes but actually like sitting down and and having a session and picking people's brains and they loosen up a bit and and and yeah I think that that's not that's not manipulative as long as you're you're not doing it to try and fuck people over or make them sound like an idiot you're just not explicitly going in there for a 10 second soundbite and hoping to be in and out within five minutes yeah yeah you're gonna vote for mate and people and people hate that as well like people like they hey blood drinking alone at the bar who are you gonna vote for can you tell me you're just talking about the 24-hour news cycle does not really accommodate for this kind of long-form nuanced writing you know and in-depth interviews there was a time in this election campaign and a lot of people would prefer to forget when the press pack went absolutely fucking feral with the with the gotcha questions and we all know it was just about these young journals who really haven't been given opportunities that were afforded to their seniors and their mentors and they're just trying to get a big name on Twitter they're just trying to get the names out there they're trying to get they're in the Canberra bubble they're in the Canberra bubble and it's the first time they're outside you know so they will go to a town they'll follow the Prime Minister to a town they'll follow Morris into a town like Bundaberg or like Singleton and they won't ask about the town you know they won't ask about the dog food factory down the road they'll ask about some sort of stat that he should be briefed on and they might even have inside word that he's not briefed on it and they'll get him they'll catch him out and they were particularly fond of doing this to Albanese and Albanese yet he really they had him on the ropes for a while there but you write in your essay victory you wrote about a particular moment if you just want to retell that story about you know those big also is in the factory up there in South Brisbane yeah we're in a toll factory out near Logan and I'd rocked up to the I don't know how I got access but I rocked up a day before and so I was following around the bus the elbow bus just in my Outlander which was filled with clothes and sort of food wrappers and empty bottles and so I I rocked up on the disposable vapes yeah disposable vapes and I rocked up on the first day and it was quite funny because I was hungover and then it was extremely hot and and we were in the car park of this bowls Club and and they were doing like a sort of stage media event and someone offered offered what I thought was sunscreen and so it was actually like the thickest thing zinc that you've ever seen and so I chucked this sunscreen on and my face just went completely white and so I looked like this ghost wandering around wandering around the press conference and all these yeah all these all these journalists were just looking at me like I was insane then that that was the first day but it was that same sort of feeling like you just felt this animosity between some of the journalists and the politicians the main one being Albanese and then we went to an event after that and Albanese got hammered but he cut it really short and they went out to a toll factory the next day in Logan and it was just so bizarre because if you haven't been to one of these things it's like the politicians just come out of nowhere for like a 45-minute event and but they're trying to make it look like they're part of the furniture and they really want to be there and so all these camera crews are running around this factory and and yeah there was all these Pacific Islander guys are standing over with their arms crossed was sort of like little shit-eating greens on their faces because I had the morning off work because of this but that was sort of like what is going on here and then yeah there was a press conference and and it was just as some of the like the trans stuff was cutting through to the campaign and yeah Albanese was trying to talk about aged care and he gave probably I think that at that stage the campaign was in real we was really bunkering down because the first debate was about to happen and Albanese was on the ropes and he was getting a lot of advice from senior labor people about what do I do how do I how do I get this stature back and I don't think he did it in one single event and I think actually getting COVID probably helped as well but but yeah he just came out and it was the first time it seemed like he was maybe just talking off the cuff a bit and showing a bit of emotion and he wasn't he was talking about you know people in nursing homes who have soiled themselves and haven't got nurses coming to see them and and yeah I thought it was a kind of really impassioned expression of what his campaign was trying to to say to the electorate and then there was this air of impatience within the within the press pack and then as soon as he finished in came the questions about trans athletes in came questions yeah just just to see like just just kept questions Mr Albanese I'm thinking of a number between one and a thousand what is it yeah and so and and he kept on trying to bring it back to the nursing homes and it just was like it just wasn't working in but the distinction that I would make within the press pack is that it's not every single journalist in Canberra it's not every single journalist it's a certain kind of journalist and generally I think they're TV journalists so that they're the they're looking for footage and they're looking for kind of theatrics and that can produce more pressure to kind of push for that sort of stuff whereas if you're a print journalist you're looking for an answer that you can translate into good copy so it's it's slightly different whereas if you're a TV journalist you're trying to put pressure on the politicians and I think that that can be like a good thing because I think politicians should be held to account I think what it was happening in the election campaign was that it was so tightly managed that there wasn't that much colour happening and so journalists were really desperate to make that theater happen and they were just pushing for it more and then the other thing that happened was that Albanese made a series of mistakes and Albanese isn't a particularly macho guy he's not the Morrison was a sort of guy who would he would just finish a press conference or he would just straight bad an answer and he'd have complete confidence and if you're watching and not really paying that much attention you'd think that it was definitely right whereas Albanese is a little bit more vulnerable and how he was dealing with it initially probably lent to that vulnerability and then as the campaign went on I think you saw this really concerted attempt where he started to basically take the press gallery on a little bit and his confidence grew and yeah he he was able to regain a semblance of confidence within his campaign which I think did cut through to the the the electorate yeah we've been talking a lot about how these people all over Australia all up and down Queensland that you went to what their opinions were on politicians we've been talking a bit about how journalists have been conducting themselves on the campaign trail did you speak to them about how they view the media themselves I mean like obviously there's a lot of you know people aren't too sure on the media they're like they don't know what their kind of motives are when they're doing this I would say that was one of the main bipartisan issues traveling around and there was I did this like impromptu focus group up in Biloela with a range of different voters from different political backgrounds some of them were going to be first-time labour voters some of them were diehard national voters who were going to keep voting for the LNP and one of these farmers this cattle farmer it was really funny because the first thing that he was obsessed with was the fact that he'd heard a rumor that Anthony Albanese was going to make Bill Shorten the agricultural minister if he got elected and so that was traveling all through central Queensland during the election campaign that is some good black ops yeah he'd been to a lunch during the week I think with with Canavan and someone else I think that might have even come from high up I don't know when the media came up he was extremely forceful about the fact that he hates gotcha questions and he said he hates gotcha questions whether it's for Morrison or whether it's for Albanese like he it doesn't show the kind of you know this is coming any nuance it just shows that there's no real understanding of what's at hand and it just makes it seem like a bit of a farce like a circus and and so you start to feel like that you haven't got for voters like that who maybe don't especially in regional areas who don't have a lot of trust in politicians of any political kind it sort of makes them feel like they can't trust the media well then it just leads to this complete erosion of any trust within the democratic process it puts the journalists at the center of the question which is what it should never should be yeah yeah totally I want to talk you weren't just in the bush some of the really interesting insights were coming from towns like billa wheeler you know billa will obviously the hometown of that young Sri Lankan family who you know have been in and out of detention centers and processing hotels for the best part of ten years with those two young girls have eventually been allowed back and and billa wheeler would be an interesting insight into that old I don't know how to describe it was an all it was very old Queensland kind of brothers-in-arms approach to getting that family back and it was all political orders and all you know people of different backgrounds you know you had people that you describe as rednecks kind of march in the streets for this family to come home you know the old man worked in the abattoir I mean that stories in the past now the family were at home and safe but that was actually a thorn in the side for the Morrison government that kind of thing and and and you identified a few of them throughout the regions you also did kind of talk to you know a new face of the Australian voter which was obviously not urban but suburban immigrant families you know maybe even English second language one thing we did see in those election results was that these predominantly Chinese Australian suburbs they effectively decided the election for some cities definitely in some states what were some of the kind of things you were seeing there you know particularly down the chisms and those kind of electorates yeah so Chisholm and Reid had pretty similar demographics and they were held by the Liberals it's not the top bracket in terms of affluence but it's pretty well off really highly educated but very high multicultural population and so massive Chinese populations Chinese Australian populations so out of West Sydney yeah so just just beyond the inner West so not far west like the middle ring middle ring sort of stuff the real you know West as people from Western Sydney would refer to it yeah and so um yeah I caught up with the voter named Steven at the at the RSL out in at in Strathfield and and he was just a classic swing voter and Chinese Australian voters you can't really pigeonhole them and you can't generalize them because they do you know they're not all swinging one way but he he was one commonality I think if you were going to try and generalize is that they're quite like highly informed about politics so they're not oblivious to it and they they're very they're very motivated by family they're very motivated by economic security and so a lot of them have been quite sympathetic to the Liberal Party a lot of them came in under Fraser and so they they aren't rusted on for labor and I think what we saw over the last electoral cycle was that there was all different groups of voters that the Liberal Party just started to take for granted and Chinese Australian voters was one of those groups definitely and so when you saw all this kind of warmongering about China and it was again it was quite theatrical and and really motivated by trying to create these wedge political issues to wedge labor.
The Manchurian candidate. Yeah you just saw you just saw them really antagonize a group of voters who are quite sympathetic to their economic policies and then that ended up hurting them like it ended up potentially costing them those seats and then we saw you know it's not just those seats the Chinese Australian population across the country is extremely large and we saw both them lose seats like that and we also saw a massive influx of multicultural candidates especially from labor who you know Australian politics is playing catch-up with a lot of countries like we like to think of ourselves as better than the US and at the moment probably better than British politics but they are far more multicultural on by like on the conservative side as well. Yeah. And so you see it was really interesting to see like over in WA which but besides Queensland is considered one of the most conservative states in the Federation and you saw all these labor candidates who came from really multicultural backgrounds but they were they were also came from really like interesting stories they weren't career politicians. Dolphin trainer. Yeah the dolphin trainer Masqueranus who'd worked in mining for a long time and came from rural WA dad was a fitter and turner and so I think that you know Australian politics still has a long way to go but I think that's another message for conservative politics is that it is going to continue to really hurt them unless they become more diverse it's not like a woke issue like a lot of a lot of multicultural communities aren't particularly woke and and so they they can be quite naturally sympathetic to conservative politics but not if you not if you don't give them like a sense that that they are going to be represented within our Parliament. Can you see a way forward for the LNP under Peter Dutton or do you think you know all of us are Queenslanders in one way or another and so he's our local boy it's North Brisbane versus heavily gentrified Sydney. Do you think there's a little bit in Peter that could see him in with a chance next time? I'm cynical about the idea that Peter Dutton is unelectable which I think is has been expressed quite a lot like I can understand why that idea is expressed and because he is closely associated especially with a lot of that warmongering about China and he doesn't present particularly well to you know your teal voters who switch from the Liberals so no it's going to be yeah it's going to be tough but I don't think that like the unelectable term has been thrown around 100% like it was used for Howard it was used for Abbott it was used for Morrison you know Dutton is a different kettle of fish like he doesn't even try to he's not trying to do the blokey act he but it was even used on Hawkie that's the only reason why we got PJ Keating it's because they were so terrified that Bob Hawk of all people was unelectable yeah I think that political events depending on what happens like they could be beneficial to someone like Dutton who is so he's polarizing amongst especially people below the tweed yeah I think that a lot of those teal voters a lot of voters in those seats like the seats at Labor won in metropolitan areas have been you know held by the Liberals recently so that they're not rusted on labor voters like if economic conditions are bad enough and if you know if labor doesn't run a tight ship then people might just go back to one thing that you realize traveling around a lot is that people don't pay all that much attention to politics and so Albanese for example there's so many people who said to me I don't know anything about the guy I don't think that as alienating as Dutton's been in some circumstances a lot of a lot of voters wouldn't know all that much about him like they don't think that he looks funny but that's like there's there's not deeply entrenched opinions at least within you know less the people who are paying less attention to politics but that needs to be for them like if you're looking at it from an LNP point of view or coalition point of view that also needs to come with making visible changes to the way that they operate on a cultural level in terms of pre selecting people from more diverse backgrounds in terms of pre selecting more women that's the thing women aren't from a diverse background women are 50% of Australia you know what I mean that's to think that the Liberals couldn't even get that right just the 50% yeah and that's why they lost all these seats what I want to talk about is that teal wave and that Greensland thing that green with a green bath and the teal wave or whatever they were saying the idea that a recession could turn things around for Dutton if Labour don't pull together still doesn't really in my mind I don't think it wins back those seats those people are voted teal but because they don't really like Peter Dutton particularly New South Wales and Victoria I don't know if those electrics are going to feel a recession pinch and flip and Greensland as well I don't think that they're coming back over recession they're not going back to Dutton I feel like those are the more comfortable seats they've made they're called and they're probably stubborn enough to stick with it for another term what do you think happens there in these inner city seats that are actually no-man's land for the major parties yeah you know I think that Dutton's got huge issues like I don't want to downplay that like it's going to be really hard like he's got he's got negatives and he's dealing with a party that has just had a lot of brand damage so he's got issues and I think if we look at what has happened in terms of these voters who have been offered a different product that appeals directly to them is that people are like and this is this isn't a new phenomenon people have been over the long term have been losing trust in the major political parties and they are looking for people who appealed directly to them whether that be with the teals whether that be with the greens and people voting for a party in outer suburban Brisbane in seats like say Ryan which were rusted on for the Liberals and is it's not a it's not a teal seat and they voted for the greens so people are looking for a different product and the idea that the Liberal Party might win back government just by not having Scott Morrison there that that that it's not that simple but I think that if Labor you know if Labor don't show and they didn't last time if they don't show restraint because one thing that Albanese did by being so cautious he not only was able to win back those seats from the Liberal Party in metropolitan areas with voters who are you know economically doing quite well but he also gave permission to voters in those teal seats to vote for a teal candidate yeah because they weren't they weren't so anxious about about Labor coming in and and wrecking the show so it's a pretty delicate balancing act like it's it's not it's I've never thought of that well are the teals here to stay like are they going to be teal candidates in two three four elections from now oh I believe like I I think so like I don't I don't see any lack of appetite both from the people who have who have gone into parliament if we solve if we solve the issue of global warming if there's no more coal mines if there's you know peace on earth why do the teals need to exist uh yeah it's a it's it's an ambitious program you know why does Bob Catter need to exist like between the catters because people like him Catter has the same appeal to the people of Kennedy is what the teals have to their seats authenticity and it's just like the authenticity that you can't have if you're in a major party because you have to weigh up so many different sections of the electorate and I think that we will see that continue to flower like the teals have provided a template for these other seats where they did quite well and could potentially win if the major parties cross harbor is next yeah there's still seats on um on the north shore that could be one like we're going to see teal candidates at state elections down in Victoria like that will be interesting we're going to see the greens running really hard down in Victoria we potentially see teal candidates running in those Brisbane seats that were lost to the greens and offering them something maybe a bit closer to to what um is their natural inclinations but it's that thing where you know we even in metropolitan Brisbane you still had that sense of the siege mentality that Queenslanders feel and the greens offered them something that was quite local that was that was that was quite um that was quite the most Queensland thing that Queensland could do at that election was fuck you both yeah the innate urge to just cause as much disruption as possible to the to the electorate but it was it was a different offering what were you seeing what were you seeing on the ground before it happened did you see this happening it was a different offering from the previous election like you didn't have the convoy going up for example and you know you don't want to keep on banging on about the convoy all the time but bob brown did fuck it in 20 uh 2019 2019 bob brown certainly did fuck the green chances up there he got the cat and put that in the microwave i mean that was just unfathomable but there was there's a lot of people in those metropolitan areas that that found it distasteful as well who might be like environmentally conscious yeah uh and so what the greens did was they offered a very bottom-up kind of political movement to people which felt local like it didn't feel like it was being run out of camber it didn't feel like it was being run out of melbourne and that's like a lesson for both political parties like it it was very on the grounds they'd been door knocking for years it didn't seem when a band said before the election they're going to win three seats in brisbane i was like they were laughing i thought they might win griffith i didn't see how they were going to win the brisbane and ryan um and then getting up there and like i mentioned them in the essay and they're probably the the stars of the essay in a lot of way was paul hilton who was an accountant from tawumba whose family were trade unionists and he switched to john howard he voted for pauline hanson in the senate in 98 and he said that he fucking loved johnny howard and then and and then so and then he said but i fucking hate scott morrison and so i'm standing there going oh like what's i wonder where he's sitting now like like maybe he's leaning going to lean back to the the family kind of origins and i said oh who are you thinking about voting for the election he said mate i'm going to fucking vote for the greens planets fucked my teeth are fucked i'm voting for the greens and he's an affluent he's an affluent voter he's he's got he's on a bunch of agricultural boards so he's you'd think that he'd be nailed on for the lmp but he's looking for something different he feels like that the major parties are lying to him all the time he does believe in climate change he doesn't think that it's being acted upon and he believes in free dental like he believes like he believes that people should have free dental care and so stuff like that really cuts through where it feels like it's you're taking these abstract kind of political conversations and just um saying things that can improve people's lives free mental free dental was a brainwave from the greens in queensland well how much of it do you think was the fact that southeast queensland had an exceptionally wet summer and you know there were lots of floods in the locket valley and in brisbane and this time it wasn't partly injured to the fact that in terms of rivers the brisbane river is the middle child with adhd totally unpredictable it's a river that just is born to flood but as we said you know all the all of these big seats in the middle of brisbane they went green how much of that do you think is due to the fact that you know the changing of the climate this wounding of our environment was brought literally to their doorsteps yeah there's that and there's just like things are changing in terms of australia's climate deadlock like it's really defined our politics from 2010 like it had a big part to play in what happened with rudd and the kind of um instability that throughout the gillard years and then the and the instability since like it led to termble's uh removal and so i think that the public have like moved beyond the political parties and so talking to voters who aren't environmentalists but who believe in renewable energy because they've seen it come in like this is blue-collar workers because they've seen their workplaces fitted out with this stuff their houses are fitted out with this stuff it's not this kind of crazy woke thing that um i think you sometimes still see the liberal party and the national party not not like members of those parties can sometimes dumb it down to that but like there's that voter brad in in ipswitch who um who's in a seat that previously had massive one nation votes and he was switching back he'd voted for morrison in 2019 because he didn't trust labor he thought that labor was going to go into coalition with the greens and then he was going to switch back to labor this time because labor had probably done a more conscious attempt to differentiate themselves from the greens and he said to me i think labor's going to do more for the environment and they're going to treat aboriginal people a bit better and that if you walked into the ip switch jets leagues club and this guy's covered in tattoos and he grew up in oaky which is ellen jones's hometown you would have a different perception of of what he might say i got a sense that we're still defined by maybe the politics of john howard and australian politics is still sort of defined by that lens and it's sort of led to a paralysis in terms of like both social progress but both in in terms of being able to actually make the kind of large-scale economic policies that can really improve people's lives and then you have voters like um you know that's why it's this whole southeast queensland thing it's not like a neat line like there's because if labor hadn't done that done those attempts to differentiate itself from the greens it might not have held on to the seats that they had in in outer regional brisbane for example but they also ended up losing griffith to the green so it's a really do you think by labor distancing themselves from the greens they gave themselves a shot in in certain suburbs but they also gave voters in the in the inner cities and in these greensland seats permission to vote green because they weren't with labor yeah yeah yeah i think so yeah like if labor had been offering maybe a bit more strident embrace of climate change action they might have won brisbane yeah um they might have held on to griffith but in terms of putting together a majority it might have been more difficult like it might have led to losses of seats in other areas both in queensland but elsewhere as well and then you've got voters like as i said before paul hilton who is a extremely affluent voter who's you know prioritizing things based on the environment then you had a voter like dylan roe who's a disability worker who was raised by a single mum and he's voting for the greens because it's going to improve both the lives of the people that he works with and his life and the life of his kid and he can't see himself getting into the property market because he can't buy a house and so i saw a new paradigm which hasn't fully presented itself yet i think that that is going to become a defining issue within politics and and the problem is that for a major party it's impossible to keep everyone happy because you've got a whole swathe of voters who rely on the tax breaks that have led to australia's property market being completely unsustainable and unavailable to younger australians and then you've got a generation of australians who can't achieve the australian dream it's become a pyramid scheme and so you're seeing those voters i think um will be more and more attracted to minor parties and independence and uh and that's going to create chaos i think because it like it millennials aren't a small generation like it's a big generation of people and if and if they don't feel like they're being represented like we've talked about diversity but well now they're having kids so now they're really thinking yeah yeah now they're turning into young boomers and and and so um and so we've talked about diversity and and gender politics and economic politics is going to come into it people are going to feel the the pinch of this and you know some of them will be fine and then others will be trapped in this like eternal rental crisis and that lines are only going to get wider yeah yeah but look like under this current thing that we have with the property market in order for this to be sustained like everything else in capitalism you know for every person that makes your life easier and better someone has to eat shit yeah it's so difficult to see how politically anyone will do anything about it like i mean i just look at i look at all the towers i look at all the towers have dragged down in sydney and and a fair few in melbourne they drag down these housing commission towers they promise all of the residents in woody's like legitimately social housing that there'll be a place for them when they rebuild they rebuild a metro line that's what's happening down at red phone at the moment real build a metro line and then they change the terms of what social housing is to medium uh middle income housing which basically they're flogging off units and they've changed the definitions of what public housing is um so then that that's getting smaller and smaller and and people are moving to places that they're not from and you know they're away from services and the inner city is kind of being stacked i mean you just look at the lockout laws and look at king's cross you look at uh what's happening in some of those suburbs down in melbourne near the water what do you think what how does this blow this pyramid scheme what what eventually happens do we just have a massive massive massive uptick in homelessness well it's just like intergenerational renting theft and and like and it's and it's gone of you know it like this this idea that if people just left the cities they'll be sweet is like a complete furphy like it but tumba's had a massive housing boom like other regional areas throughout new south wales have had a massive housing boom i i know ellis springs it's extremely like the the rent's not that different my sister lives up there the rent's not that different to what i'm paying in sydney if i want to go up and and stay there so the northern and you've got school rooms you've got classrooms with 35 kids in the bush as well you know you don't have those that infrastructure you've got base hospitals that were built in the 50s like i don't know if decentralization really is the answer right now you don't tend to earn as much in places like that as you can earn yeah it's like you can move to julia creek but you can work for atlasian i mean like on the school master that that's great and it was just like it was eye-opening because like i'd lived in bundaberg previously but i i could notice the the homelessness crisis up there was so much worse and there was a voter that i spoke to who'd been kicked out of their place in northern new south wales and both her and her husband had jobs she was working as an aged care nurse he was working on farms and they lost their house because the rent got jacked up by 250 bucks overnight and so they just traveled up and down the coast of queenland staying at caravan parks where they were paying 450 bucks a week just to pitch a tent and without a place they couldn't get a job anywhere and then they're like they had they had five kids two of them had a disability and so you know that's an anecdotal thing but there's a lot of stories like that like this is not like a once-off song story like this is like a historically we think about australian politics we we saw it as through the lens of class warfare in terms of the liberals which represented this kind of conglomerate of interests that were anti-trade union and then i think that over time and it hasn't quite happened yet but there's going to be this kind of like generational warfare between people who bought when the when it was possible to buy uh and then the people who didn't or the people who bought and now can't afford to pay their mortgages because their wages are continuing to stagnate while their mortgages are going through the roof and rates are going to continue to go up well it it goes back to what we were saying at the start about how australians like to view ourselves as being you know higher you know in terms of a democracy higher than america and britain but you know you can't see this type of thing happening you know in all parts of america because you know every american politician has seen taxi driver but they know that they know that you know if they continually try to mug off the public they know that there could be a guy with a mohawk in the crowd who's going to put a 44 straight through their breadbasket and the same can be said in england i mean it's so diverse over there that like you just cannot you know be able to survive politically if you just ignore these massive issues the potential is that we had just a more and more unequal society and so you know australia's got a lot of historically enormous issues on a right on a range of fronts but i think one of the things when it comes to equality yeah when it comes to equality when it comes to the fact that we've never actually made made any kind of like treaty with the first nations people and that's kind of like being there since white people arrived and colonized the place so that's something that we need to address but then on these economic issues one of the things i think that we could be proud of was having like a welfare state and so the idea of having that welfare state is completely undermined if people can't afford to buy a house or let alone you know afford to pay the rent so yeah i that's why this is so complex because there's always fucking quite complex uh both local and international issues feeding into this and then then you've got a political system that isn't supporting the diversity of of needs and and requirements and then the major parties can't fit into that paradigm anymore because they're still kind of arranged along these lines that were created you know back in the 1940s when australian society was a lot less diverse and a lot more straightforward and you had really the voting public divided up between those who those who were pro-union and those who weren't and there was only a million people on paper yeah in this country and at the end of the second world war and your priest told you who to vote for you spoke earlier about the liberal party kind of taking some parts of its base for granted and forgetting them and and that base or parts of that base leaving the liberal party the same thing is happening with the labor party as well it seems did you see like those stories you've just told about the people traveling up and down pitching tents they traditionally would feel like they're part of the labor party base but people like that must be feeling pretty forgotten now as yeah and this is the six months of albany right now labor's in charge so it's it's it's their opportunity to and we'll wrap with this but it's their opportunity to prove to those battlers that they are there for them are they taking them for granted you know it's a long-running trend that labor has been losing those voters and they just like like that's um if you look at how labor won the election it wasn't getting regional queensland back they didn't win any seats there they got some decent swings in some of the seats they got swings against them in herbert up in townsville uh so it was winning these quiet well-to-do metropolitan seats so there'd be an argument to make that you know labor needs to actually continue like at least on an electoral basis continue to appeal to this new kind of constituency that it's got which is um you know new as in you know it's been around since the 60s 70s sort of onwards and gotten stronger and stronger and stronger and that's university educated people which is a lot like you know increasingly large section of the electorate the keepingists so they can't like labor can't you know as as much as it's romantic to think that labor could just go back to this kind of um romanticized working-class party they can't do that either like they need to balance these sections of their voting base like it's um and it's extremely hard to do and that's why political parties uh right around the world are finding it increasingly difficult to do that and that's why we're seeing new things offered and i would say that one of the reasons that we maybe didn't see a voting rebellion so much in those outer suburban or regional seats is because beyond the major parties the offerings just like the Pauline Hanson and and Clive Palmer have gotten to the point where i think that they're seen as part of the the system and so if you actually had like a populist a genuinely populist party or independence or a system that was able to kind of circumnavigate the mainstream media then you might see voters in those seats going there because they they genuinely like they even if they did vote for one major party over the other it's not because they are satisfied with that offering so they're there's they could potentially like could you imagine if there was this other kind of like this other force that could pick it up and is that possible is do you think that anyone has the chop to do that without descending into full-blown racism and like anti-family courts rhetoric or could it go the other way could we see in 10 to 15 years times if the equality lines keep dividing that we see more hardcore kind of say socialists or um yeah more more hectic radical yeah yeah yeah some more radical oh it's going to be like i think it's going to be um like mayhem it's probably a good thing that they took our guns away no i don't mean mayhem is in like civil dissent like civil disobedience or anything i just think like politically we're going to see um we're like i don't think people have had their moment of catharsis and they're going to go back to the major parties at the next election like i think that it's provided a template and i think people are going to be inspired right across the political spectrum and yeah it's it's um just cat is that that what you're talking about that archetype though kata has that at a state level he has three seats at a state level we start talking about homelessness and and someone who has the ability to you know obviously cast a wider net in the electorate without the full-blown racism that we see from one nation uh or the anti-semitic i don't know what clive's been into recently but that does exist where where do these votes go i i was very surprised labor even got the hunter yeah well you you get someone like reppacowy who very much played up into his past as a blue-collar worker uh he has a bit of local prestige because he's a olympic commonwealth game shooter and very much tapped into the kind of like larrikin big unit yeah like the like the aussie larrikin archetype that i've like written about before and and as i said before like labor can't just run dan reppacowy's in every seat in australia and he said that himself he was like he was like saying that people up here in the hunter want to see people like me and you know in different seats they want to see people who actually reflect them and so he's um there's been some great photos of him in selly shitu uh where like that's kind of like the model he's like three four foot tall they know yeah that's kind of the model for both political parties is to create this sense that you are creating a rich tapestry that actually reflects the diversity and richness of modern australia and if they don't well then it's kind of like going to continue to be carnage uh just lastly lek thank you for joining us you've provided as always some great insights where do you see morrison in the next five ten years morrison morrison um do you reckon he hits that tevi televagical speaking circuit i think um i think hillsong might have a uh vacancy pretty soon at the top so oh well they already do don't they um they do yeah uh so that organization is a bit on on the nose he might need to start his start his own well he already distanced himself from them for his own political aspirations no see he's part of the horizon church he he tried to get a he tried to get a gig on the nrl but unfortunately he that was like howard and the icc it's like all those all those years of his anti-indian comments and rhetoric it's like john howard would like to run for icc chair and the indians were like absolutely fucking not well and that was the nrl was the same with morrison they're like you could fuck up a cup of coffee well there's no way well the problem with that wasn't even the labor thing it was that as far as i know paratay hates him doesn't he so like and the new south wales government is providing all this money in various different ways so if you've alienated liberals and then you've also alienated all these labor state governments who will pay the nrl a fair bit of money for state of origins and test matches and magic around that's not who you're sending in no not at all no i reckon he'll end up on the on the christian speaking circle where he'll get paid very handsomely but i can't see can you see him finishing a term here well i think his ego is very bruised at the moment i've been on the back bench i think he might be there for the rest of the term yeah i could see him as being the australian ambassador to island or going back where it all began yeah somewhere the holy sea yeah maybe somewhere like poland israel but like i just i just don't think he has the discipline like in his personality really to be into roman catholicism i mean he has no conscience i mean that's one of the pillars of roman catholicism is this internal motor that tells you that you've done something wrong all the time imagine getting banged up abroad and you're fucking in a jail cell looking at 20 years in prison wrongly accused and you find out that that's your ambassador hello brother see the footy last night ah mate the sharkies mate you think they're fucked you're fucked mate ah that's it thanks for joining us lek we'll be getting you back in here when the new book's done we won't talk about that today um we'll wait until you finish it all the best happy writing thanks guys pleasure to be here thank you it's provided a template and i think people are going to be inspired right across the political spectrum and yeah it's it's um this cat is that what you're talking about that archetype though kata has that at a state level he has three seats at a state level we start talking about homelessness and and someone who has the ability to you know obviously cast a wide and end in the electorate without the full-blown racism that we see from one nation uh or the anti-semitic i don't know what clive's been into recently but that does exist where where do these votes go i i was very surprised labor even got the hunter yeah well you get someone like repicoli who very much played up into his past as a blue-collar worker uh he has a bit of local prestige because he's a olympic commonwealth game shooter and very much tapped into the kind of like larrikin big unit yeah like the like the aussie larrikin archetype that i've like written about before and and as i said before like labor can't just run dan repicoli in every seat in australia and he said that himself he was like he was like saying that people up here in the hunter want to see people like me and you know in different seats they want to see people who actually reflect them and so he's um there's been some great photos of him in celly chittoo uh where like that's kind of like the model he's like three four foot taller than her yeah that's kind of the model for both political parties is to create this sense that you are creating a rich tapestry that actually reflects the diversity and richness of modern australia and if they don't well then it's kind of like going to continue to be carnage uh just lastly lek thank you for joining us you've provided as always some great insights where do you see morrison in the next five ten years morrison morrison um do you reckon he hits that tevi televagical speaking i think um i think hillsong might have a uh vacancy pretty soon at the top so oh well they already do don't they um they do yeah but that organization is a bit on on the nose he might need to start his start his own well he already distanced himself from them for his own political aspirations no see he's part of the horizon church he he tried to get a he tried to get a gig on the nrl but unfortunately he'd man that was like howard and the icc it's like all those all those years of his anti-indian comments and rhetoric it's like john howard would like to run for icc chair and the indians were like absolutely fucking not well and that was the nrl was the same with morrison they're like you could fuck up a cup of coffee well there's no way well the problem with that wasn't even the labor thing it was that as far as i know paratay hates him doesn't he so like and the new south wales government is providing all this money in various different ways so if you've alienated liberals and then you've also alienated all these labor state governments who will pay the nrl a fair bit of money for state of origins and test matches and magic around that's not who you're sending in no not at all no i reckon he'll end up on the on the christian speaking circle where he'll get paid very handsomely but i can't see can you see him finishing a term here well i think his ego is very bruised at the moment i've been on the backbench i think he might be there for the rest of the term yeah i can see him as being the australian ambassador to island or going back where it all began yeah somewhere the holy sea yeah maybe somewhere like poland israel but like i just i just don't think he has the discipline like in his personality really to be into roman catholicism i mean he has no conscience i mean that's one of the pillars of roman catholicism is this internal motor that tells you that you've done something wrong all the time imagine getting banged up abroad and you're fucking in a jail cell looking at 20 years in prison wrongly accused and you find out that that's your ambassador hello brother see the footy last night oh mate the sharkies mate you think they're fucked you're fucked mate ah that's it thanks for joining us lek we'll be getting you back in here when the new book's done we won't talk about that today um we'll wait until you finish it all the best happy writing thanks guys pleasure to be here thank you |
SaturdayNightLive | quinta_brunson_monologue_snl | Ladies and Gentlemen, Quinta Brunson! very much, my name is Quinta Brunson, And let me just first say, I am so excited to be here. I have been dreaming about this since I was home back in the day, but the audition process seemed long. So instead, I just created my own Tv show, made sure it became really popular, won a bunch of Emmys, and then got asked to host. I have a show called Abbot Elementary. it's a streaming show. it's not a streaming show. Sorry, I know you guys can't get confused about that. it's a network sitcom, like, say, friends. Except instead of being about a group of friends, it's about a group of teachers. And instead of New York, it's in Philadelphia. And instead of not having black people, it does. I grew up in Philly, and my mom was a teacher there, so creating a show about teachers has been really special. The only downside is now every time there's an issue with the public school system, people expect me to solve it. And that's not fair. last week, when that bank collapsed, no one wanted to go up to the cast of Succession. like, how do we fix this, Cousin Greg?
Don't get me wrong. I love that people are enjoying Abbot, but I wish they didn't expect me to be exactly like my character all the time in public. Miss Tiggs is a caring second grade teacher who is good and wholesome, but I'm the opposite. I mean, I'm not a filthy whore, but, you know, I like to have fun. I need to be able to live my life without someone recording me, going, damn, Miss Tiggs out here getting wasted at Universal Studios. I prefer my butterbeer with Hennessy. Look, I just want people to lower their expectations of me. I'm still young, still figuring things out.
I like to start lying to my mom about who I'm hanging out with. I'll be like, you know, I'm just going to chill in my friend's garden. I just don't mention that it's Oprah's garden. or the time I told her I was going out to dinner, but I didn't tell her with who because it was this guy.
Hi, I'm with your daughter here, and we're so proud of her, but really proud of you. not only because you were obviously a great mom, but because you are a teacher. it's an important job. there is. my friend Barack said. I'm calling Barack now. My mom really was an amazing teacher, and I'm so proud of her. But I also know firsthand that teachers get taken for granted.
Like, I've always had a dishwasher. never thought about it, loaded it up, kicked it shut, went to bed wasted. But then my husband and I moved into an apartment that didn't have a dishwasher. And after one day, I was like, we got to get the hell out of here. Me not having a dishwasher is how parents feel when they don't have teachers during the pandemic. suddenly, parents were like, wait, we have to teach these dishes now? we have to feed these dishes now? Why did I have so many dishes? that last dish was a mistake.
But seriously, teachers are people, not appliances. So please, remember how important teachers are. acknowledge the work they do every day. And for the love of God, pay them the money they deserve. |
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You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Batutah Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Hello listeners, welcome back to those of you tuning in from around the diamond team of Shire, and thank you for joining us today on the Batutah Advocate radio show here on Desert Rock FM, coming live out of the Koala Studios in downtown Batutah. This is episode 18 of the podcast. If you're listening outside of town, I'm Errol Parker, the editor at large of the Batutah Advocate.
And I'm Clancy Overall. Good to have you here with us.
This week, we're having a chat to the most successful Australian musician that some of you may have never heard of. He's a man who's rubbed the mainstream music media the wrong way, and no one knows why. I think it's got a lot to do with a great Australian national pastime of tall poppy slicing. I think he's a little bit too successful for the likes of those in the big music industry.
What do you think, Clancy? Yes, it sounds like that could be the case.
You know, despite spending most of his career at the very top of the album charts, he's never been played once on any mainstream radio stations, including Triple J. Yeah, this isn't a News Corp style beat up, Clancy. He's got nearly 200 million views on YouTube. And as you said, Clancy, he consistently goes to number one on the Aria and iTunes charts with pretty much everything he drops, which at this rate looks to be one a year for about 10 years. That's one album a year.
If you ask me, I reckon him not being played on these stations has a lot to do with these people who run these stations, these type of inner city elites. I think he might rub them the wrong way. I don't think that these people have particularly been down to Campbelltown. They're not really in touch with people of this man's ilk.
Yes, you know, life on the suburban ounce skirt, it obviously exists. There is a life out there. This man seems to have a few fans because he seems to sell a few tickets on his national tours every year.
Yes, if you are a fan of the new wave of urban Australian music, then you would know we are talking about a recording musician known as Cursor. Cursor is the sickest, Cursor is the sickest.
Who's the man? I'm the man and they know this. If they say they did it, they just act like they ain't noticed.
Throw quickly on the edge of the sea.
Channel V never got near him.
Those media elites. And we've had enough to do with them in our time to know that they don't like anyone who challenges their concept of reality. You know, and that's why we run this show. That's why we do what we do because, you know, we like to cast a wider net and talk to people from all walks of life. And it seems today we might be doing Triple J's job for him.
The things he raps about are a little bit unsavory to these people who control the music industry in this country. He certainly doesn't fit into the traditional mold of the Australian hip-hopper that raps about barbecues and mateship and beers and potato scallops.
Yes, he certainly does rock the boat a bit, doesn't he, Errol? Yeah, well, our producer Murray has just ushered MC Cursor here into the studio. Hello, Curse. Possibly for his first radio interview since he started his career. Just a quick heads up to anyone out there who isn't partial to a little bit of course language. I can give you some forewarning now that you might encounter a little bit of explicit language in this conversation coming up. Yes, here he is.
JB Highfire's most shoplifted recording artist.
He's visiting Batutah while on a road trip after his most recent tour, and he's been kind enough to talk to us. Cursor, thank you for joining us today. Hey, how are you guys? Thanks for having me. Thanks for coming all the way, Addy. No, it's a pleasure. It's a long drive. I'm a fan of the website and a fan of the podcast, so it's good to be here. Thanks, Pete. Thanks for having us.
And it seems that one thing that we both haven't really got that much time for is the mainstream. We tend to do things a bit differently in terms of journalism out here in the Simpson Desert, as I imagine you do in all of your pursuits in music. So first of all, we'd just like to talk about how it seems that every time we here at The Apricot tend to poke some fun at Triple J, we report on what happens there very honestly, and it seems the more that we talk about them, the more they want to get on to us and get us on the fucking radio. But I'd imagine it's been a bit different.
So yeah, mine's the complete opposite to that, man. I think Triple J and all media have just been told, just ignore him. Just stop.
It was an incident 2015 when I released Next Step, they contacted a current affair or someone like that, contacted Warner offices, like the officers there and said, because I had installs coming up, install signings, and they said someone might rock up with a camera. I don't know why they gave the heads up and that I was kind of spewing. They didn't show up.
I was just going to wave my CD by this. Good promo. Yeah. Free promo.
So you've done it all pretty much, similar to The Advocate, independently. You haven't partnered up with anyone? No, so I've done everything independently since I started really. I released a mixtape 2008, another one in 2010, and from 2011 onwards, it's been an album a year. So the first, they've all been independent, but the last three I've had distribution from Warner, which is them just pretty much get my stuff in stores.
Nothing changed from me. Yeah, I've still got free to say whatever. The content hasn't changed as you've probably noticed.
Yeah, good, good. Yeah, just got a bit of a push behind me now, so it's even more dangerous. I do remember, I mentioned at the start there, you posted on Instagram that they'd put your CDs in the naughty corner at JBR. Man, I get sent so many photos of people, the different signs in different JBR high fives. It's like, if you want cursor CD, go to the counter. Cursor fans known for stealing, just go to counter. Do you know there's a camera here? I get all types of signs on there, but it's good. Most shoplifted CD. Yeah, that's great.
I wish there was an Aria or something for it, but even then, they'd still ignore me.
You can't shoplift tickets though, can you? No, you can't, luckily.
So why do you reckon all these musical hobnobs, how come do you think they ignore you? Do you think it's because they're scared of you? I don't know if they're scared, man.
I'm the first to do the style I'm doing and be so outspoken about it, man. It was so Aussie hip hop before me, and I'm not disrespecting any of it. They paved the way, obviously, but there's a lot of barbecue wraps going to the RSL type stuff.
Then they hear a Campbelltown kid coming in saying, fucken this, I'm the sickest cunt. Sorry for the swearing. Nah, mate. You're on the batutera advocate podcast. You can say whatever you fucken like on this one.
And I think they would have thought, fuck, it'll fizzle out, and it just kept getting fucken bigger and bigger. They kept ignoring it, but as time goes, they're looking dumber and dumber because they keep ignoring it, and I'm just growing.
Your necklace is on now. You're wearing gold. You're driving.
Good. That's good. And do you think that's what your fans respond to as well? They love seeing you get bigger. Yeah, because that's another thing.
They've watched me grow up on camera, man. They've seen me since I was 23 or something and just watched the whole rise of it. So they've seen me come from having nothing, really struggling to even put together a film clip to just taking over the hip-hop scene.
So I think they feel a part of it, which they should. Yeah. You mentioned that genre there. What would you call the genre you're in? As opposed to RSL hip-hop. Hanging out with my mates, having a potato scot. Things like that, you know. The pokey didn't play. Yeah, it's really my own style, man. So I kind of separate myself from the scene. I know there's street rappers and gutter rap, but I mix a whole lot of different styles, man. So it's like Curses style, man. Yeah.
So who, in terms of your genre, who do you think would be your biggest influences? I was heavily influenced by overseas rappers, man. Since a kid, I know it sounds cliche, but I come up on Tupac, Biggie, Nas. And nowadays it's like Meek Mill, Fabulous, Lloyd Banks. Since I was a teenager, Fabulous, Lloyd Banks, G-Unit.
So a lot of that, man. That's the best, you know. Yeah. It's like classic hip-hop for anyone that's a fan of hip-hop. So yeah, that's what I come up on.
There wasn't really anyone doing my style here before I was. So I didn't really have an influence to like, you know, like, so yeah, I kind of made that road myself and yeah.
And when, do you recall a moment when you said this is now, you know, this is what I'm going to be doing for the next 20 years? Yeah. When my second album payment come in and the, cause the first one went really well, but then the second one kind of solidified where I'm at and it was a good payment. And then the tour after that sold out and I was kind of crazy.
We're not going, we're not getting a job anywhere else. We're not going back to Campbelltown. We're not putting shit in the skip bin with, this is all on. Not going to no factories and packing boxes anymore.
So you tell us a little bit about growing up out there. I mean, you're actually from, you know, an area that a lot of people, particularly those heads we just mentioned in the music industry that are probably trying not to look at you, haven't been.
And it's not like the city that a lot of, you know, people around Australia would see when they come to Sydney, they see a more sterile kind of circular key. You're from Southwest Sydney. You're not even from the Western suburbs. It's the Southwest. Yeah, suburb called Campbelltown. Pretty much lived in every suburb in it, man, from St. Andrews, Ingleburn, Macquarie Fields, Roos, like, yeah, like all around it grew up out there. And as you said, it's like Southwest Sydney. It's like 45 minutes Southwest of Sydney.
And yeah, a lot of them wouldn't have even been out there, know what it's like to grow up out there. But my upbringing, I was pretty much just your average Campbelltown kid, you know, went through what a lot of kids went through there.
And it's turned me into who I am today. Big part of my success, the hometown, I reckon, man.
Yeah. Still living down there? No, I've moved. I've moved down south, moved by the beach, different living, more laid back. Yeah. Yeah, still south, got the south in it.
But I'm always up at Sydney like twice a week. And I record at West Sydney. So I'm always up here. I just, yeah, better way of life down there.
I've got a daughter now. She's 16 months old. So yeah, give her a bit of a different upbringing to what I had.
Yeah, that's what it's all about. And you're touring, you're selling out. Yeah, man, just did it like pretty much sold out every show on tour. Doing big venues too, like, you know what I mean? So yeah, it's pretty impressed by it. The fans still showing out.
Just before my tour, I had a vocal, a paralyzed vocal cord. Yeah. So yeah, I had to postpone it for a few weeks and went down Melbourne. I got this, not surgery, but yeah, I got a few needles in, you know, my throat and puffed up the, puffed up the paralyzed vocal cord. Yeah. And then that slowly dissolves and it should stay the like how it is now and touch what it does. So far, so good. I went and recorded and yeah, everything was sounding good. So so you were gone, you're going pretty hard.
Yeah, I haven't really to tell you the truth, stop for like 10 years, man. Since 2010, I haven't, I haven't had a break.
I just had a month off and my Mrs was like, Oh, you actually took a month off. Like she was shocked. I took four weeks off on the couch.
Yeah. Betting on the footy and yeah, it's going all right. Yeah. So tell us about the scene that you're essentially created. I mean, what your style you've created. There's a scene that I'm sure there's a lot of you getting around in. Yeah. But yeah, you guys have created it.
Is that ever get political and dramatic out there or not so much political, bro. I like to, I like to poke fun at the political shit. Yeah. Everyone, you know, takes it so serious. And when it's shoved in your face and that like people are so outraged if you say something crazy about it. So I like to play on that a bit. There are political rappers, but not so much doing the style I'm doing, man. Like, I'm pretty much taking the piss out of every everything on the political side. Yeah.
It's a bit of amongst amongst each other. It gets political. There's politics.
Oh, sorry. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah.
Um, yeah, there is, there's politics, you know, there isn't any job. Yeah, there's dramas in any, any job.
I'm at the age now. I know where to, you know, stay away from it and not get involved when I shouldn't. Yeah. Because it's not really, if it's not about money, it's not really relevant to me. Like I don't want to get involved. I can't make money out of it. I'm not going to stand there and argue back and forth with some rappers, but yeah, it does get political, man. And sorry, I miss.
Yeah, no, that's all good. No, but we noticed that too. You know, you're able to provide your kids and your fans with music that isn't politically charged because you get that everywhere, you know? Yeah. It's in like everything these days. Yeah, you're right.
And, but you did come up through battle raps. So tell us a little bit about that subculture because, you know, we don't have many battle rappers out here in the Diamantina Shire of Western Queensland. Yeah, this is, this is more of a country music. Yeah, they're more. Yeah, there's more little achy breaky heart out here, mate. So there's no rap battles at your local pub? No, no. There's, there's, there's the occasional country music battle where, you know, they just, the dueling banjos and things like that. Yeah. So yeah, rap battles, man, that's, that's like a crazy part.
That's, that was there at the start. That really helped me blow up and get a fan base too. It's pretty much no rules in that, man. Before I got involved in it, it was more freestyling on the microphone. They were freestyling. When I got into it, man, you got like three weeks to prepare for your opponent. Right. I just used to look at photos and just try, you know, clown them the most I could, but people used to go full research and like find dirt on people.
So yeah, it was very exciting, man. And I found it very fun. I kind of miss battling to tell you the truth, man. I really enjoyed it.
So where would you go and do them? Like just at a venue or in a car park? Starting in a car park and then they eventually got venues and yeah, I'd do them in travel to Melbourne on my own, Adelaide on my own, sometimes take the crew.
But, you know, when you got a group of mates from Campbelltown who don't know much about battle rap and you're standing across from someone calling you a fuckwit, they're gonna, what's he talking about? No, no, they're meant to do it. What do you mean? He's talking about your misses.
So I just started going to my own, like to save the drama. I can stay home.
And those things do blow up. Like we hear stories about all those. Got beef was it? They used to punch on in the car parks. Yeah, yeah. There were a few there. Same as Grind Time Australia. They were another one.
Yeah, they always, I always had thick skin and I knew what to expect. And I was always saying worse shit than my opponents.
Sounds alright. So tell us about the tour. Do you have any, I mean, like you said with your music, you've got, you know, you've got outlets saying come to the Canada to buy the CDs. You've got a young crew of kids that will probably, you know, just like you were when you were a kid and excitable. You know, maybe a bit mischievous. Yeah. Does that come through with the events, the venues, any gigs? Yeah, it does, man.
But once I hit the stage, they're pretty much like, I gotta, I don't want to talk myself up too much, but I got a pretty heavy stage presence when I'm on stage. It's like, I'm in full control. And if there are any fights in the crowd or any bad shit going on, I'm usually like pointed out. You're at a cursor show. Everyone's here to have fun.
Pretty much. Yeah. It's fine, man. So do you travel with an entourage? Yeah, I do, man. Yeah.
Everyone wants to come to the shows on CC, the footage and that.
So yeah, I go with, got my big mate, Joe, he comes as a bodyguard. Then my older brother Rates comes, he does backups. And JD, JUF, another rapper does backups.
And we take a DJ and hit the road. And then certain states, certain mates will come. And yeah, so roll with about probably seven, eight people to each state, which isn't that big compared to like bands and that. I suppose for a solo hip hop, hip hop artists, it's a few people, but the rider goes pretty quick.
Well, I saw it in Joe, your security, is he the one with the double braids? That's him, bro. That's him. He looks like he could look after you. Yeah.
He makes sure no one gets on stage. And we've had people like follow us back to the hotel rooms and like, you know, weird stalker shit. So he like kind of scares all that off, man. He just has to hold his hand out. Don't come near us.
And it's all good. So you were saying you've been actually in this new album, you're talking about you now at the point where you're driving, you know, the type of car that you'd expect someone who sells out shows around the country to drive and you're now putting, you know, 10 stack beds on the footy on your phone while you're lying on the couch and they're pumped off. And you found that has... I just want to thank Penrith Pampers for losing me that money too. Yeah, that's a lot of trips there on Heathcote Road. Yes. I'd imagine coming in from the coast into...
That's the one, man. That's the one.
So do you find that that's kind of jing up or you're coming from a different place now? You still kind of stay in touch with where you were? Yeah, I do both. I still try to keep the Campbelltown style. So, you know, my fans from earlier days still relate, but I've got so much more content to rap about now, like, you know, like not just the materialistic things, but just like sold out shows, interactions with fans.
Yeah. Family, all that. Family. Yeah. Everything like that, man. So, yeah. Yeah.
Have you had any sort of odd fans? Like, have you had like a stan?
Yes. I've got a stalker at the moment, man. Yeah. So she's got my manager's PO box address. Right. She sends about, no exaggeration here, about 18 letters a week. Yeah. Like, yeah.
My manager's been trying to like cut it off, work out how they cannot send them anymore, but it's just like, yeah. And like glued together stuff, man. So you open it and there's like glitter with like Scott written there, not even cursor, Scott. And then like at the bottom, like, how is my baby going? That baby's really mine. So, you know, so yeah, I don't know how to take that one. It's quite a fight that your manager's having to cop.
Yeah. I know.
Shout out to Fern too. I feel sorry for her for that one. She does a great job, but I'm not giving my address up for that.
Yeah. We did read, um, um, in one of those newspapers down there in Sydney that you moved, um, out of the area just cause you just kept getting door knocks. Yeah, man. So from about 2012 was when stuff was really starting to take off. Yeah. I moved from, um, roost to Mount Prichard, which is, which is Liverpool, just next to Campbelltown. Same thing.
My address got out, like on the internet, like about 15 people every few days, every day, maybe man knocking on the door. It got to like 10 30 at night, people knocking and it's always, can I just get a photo? Hey, can I just get a photo? Can't believe you live here. But like that starts happening in like five days in a row by, you know, the 10 o'clock knock on the door.
Fuck off. I'm not getting this one. Fuck off. This is a rude bastard.
Yeah. But man, that got crazy. Like some, you know, when I moved down South, it's just been quite the opposite, man. Like it's just old people and surfers and stuff, bro. It's like he's more chilled man.
Now you, uh, you, can you tell us a little about the hurdles you've had? I mean, there's been, it's like, it hasn't slowed the rise. It hasn't. And we just want to say, has it dipped behind the scenes?
Has there ever been moments where you're just like, fuck, you know, this is, this can be too much. That sounds like one there when people find out your address and stuff. Yeah. Stuff like that.
But I'm always like, I've always made sure I'm working on a project. I'm working on something. So it always keeps me distracted back to work. I've got a massive work ethic, like an album a year and a tour a year to back it up. And then I'm always distracted doing a project, man. I've done like two DVDs. So like something's always distracting me from that side of things, I suppose. I was just sitting at home and overthinking it probably man, but always doing something.
Yeah. And tell us a little bit about the numbers because that's, that's what we can talk all we want about the lack of radio play and the lack of even media in general. The numbers you can't deny.
So I'm the highest viewed hip hop artist on YouTube. I've got on my channel. I've got 97 million views. And then I started out with hustle hard. It will put my clips on their channel.
So there's like another 30 or something there. And then my battles is probably, you know, another 30.
And then on other channels, we're probably like 200 million views on YouTube without the radio. Like, I think maybe the no radio players kind of benefited me. Like my fans have all gone, oh, we find him on YouTube.
Yeah. That's it could be working as a, as a good thing. And if you go like on to, on to, in terms of the charts, you have dominated there too. Yeah. Again, number one on Arias, iTunes, pretty much any chart. Number one. Yeah.
That's, that's what, that's what Richard Kingsmill is not looking at. No, that's, that's what spins me out. Like you can ignore me, but just like acknowledge it.
Like there's a number one artist sitting there and he's doing it like seven years in a row. Like he's the best.
He's the sickest. Yeah, he is the sickest. He's the sickest cunt on the charts.
That's the new Scott on the chart. Oh yeah. He's back in the studio a bit later than Sarbo. He might have another album in about two months. You put the pressure on. So tell us a little bit about the song you did with Future last year. Cause that, you know, another first for an Australian artist to get a song with, you know, an American rapper of that, of that caliber and that current. Yeah.
How does that shit go? Probably, probably the biggest in America at the time, man. Like, yeah, it was crazy.
So a producer from Canberra had a young buck verse and he's like, Oh, young bucks, like I've got this verse here. Young bucks came for you to jump on it. And at the time I was, I'm always working, I think it was a DVD in the album and I'm like, Oh, just give me time. We'll get, we'll get around to that. By the time I was ready to do it, you come back and he's, he had a future verse as well. I'm like, man, that's crazy. And then, yeah, he got it sent through and got hooked up, hooked up that way, man. So I was, yeah, very lucky, good opportunity. And yeah, who can say they got a song with Future and young buck of G unit.
So, well, for sure. I mean, you're at the level now where you could almost do an Australia tour with an American artist opening for you. Yeah. Depending on who the artist is. Yeah, man. That could happen. Yeah. Which is pretty crazy. It's like, I started doing like shows and just took a busload of me mates to the pub. Yeah. Put it on in the backyard when I started. Yeah. Like to say it go from that. And they spin out to like, they'll come into my gigs at the pub.
It's like just them there. Maybe two onlookers that are there because their pokies didn't pay money. So they're just standing there.
To say you go from that to selling out, you know, the metro or whatever. Yeah, she is pretty crazy, man. Yeah. So do you think you'll ever get on like, like, like, say in about a month's time, we've got a splendor in the grass out there in the Communist Republic of Byron Bay. Would you ever consider if if if they did invite you out, you know, it's like, you know, ego curse. You've got the main stage go ham. Yeah, yeah, I'll do a set there, man. Yeah.
Like, it's just, you know, you get paid pretty good for festivals. And, yeah, it's like, it's a good opportunity.
So yeah, I wouldn't knock it back. I think I'd be stupid to knock it back.
Yeah, but um, yeah, that plays into the radio play to your record. Yeah, I think they're ignoring me for a reason to man. So yeah, it's like the whole industry. Like, just just ignore that kid, man.
He's gonna go away. I'm not going there. I'm not going.
Yeah, we saw that one the other day of you someone threw a triple j banner on stage. Yeah, no, man. It was behind the sound guys. And the sound guy was spewing to me. It's behind his head. And I noticed it just before we went on stage.
And then my mates like, I'll go take it down again. I'll take it down after the first song. Like the first song and then, oh, there's a triple j banner.
Bring that here. Rip that out. The crowd went crazy, man. They know the backstory to it.
There's no explaining. He's been ignored. Like, yeah, so not one song ever on radio.
Yeah, I've gone in once. I went in once in 2011, I think, if my old producer did like a cypher there.
And then it's crickets. Yeah, yeah, right. I started getting a buzz. And I thought like, when I started topping charts and that I'm like, sweet, they'll start spinning the singles. They do that for everyone.
Just never happened, bro.
Well, it's good that you live in your time. Yeah, it's worked for me, man. It's like this. YouTube's been like a massive part of my success, man. Like huge, you know what I mean? From the battles to people finding my product. It's just, yeah. Well, yeah, you know, that's what there's, there's been like a recent trend, you know, in like, in like the past couple of years, you know, where you've got all these sort of rappers from, especially in America, you've got that bloke who got, he got murdered the other day.
Yeah, yeah. You were doing the tats on the face before them, though, mate. Yeah, I had that going first. And all of them are on exploding on the internet, but you know, like they're not getting invited to hang out with Elton John, you know, as I suppose. Yeah. Yeah, that's true too, man. They still get spun on the radios and that. Yeah. You know what I mean? They think in America, they've got like DJs. So you give your albums to the DJs and they, as opposed to a radio station. As here, you've got to impress some guy in a business suit. Yeah.
His cursor. Like the fuck is he talking about?
Tell me why you're the sickest cunt. We need more. We need to know why. You need to sell me on this cunt business.
So you, um, you, you, you, you, you do come with a brash, almost American kind of confidence that you don't see. You know, a lot of, a lot of Australian, particularly Australian musicians are kind of, you know, a little bit more kind of, uh, you know, I'm going to keep my head down. And you, you know, one of the first things any of us saw from you was you in a car park saying that you're the sickest cunt and you've kept it up and people believe it because I guess it's true. Yeah. I've always been confident man. And I think sometimes people mistake that for arrogance until they meet me and they realize, nah, it's not that, but you've got to be confident. And I, I believe, yeah, I'm one of the best at what I do in this country.
So I'm not going to, yeah. I'll walk it like a talker.
Yeah, for sure. And now aside from these, um, industry heads keep bringing them up these, you know, with the blinkers on these cowards, aside from the beef you've got with them, is there any other beef existing in the, um, because you know, hip hop is kind of where we see the earnest kind of rivalries come into something a bit more than that. It's like the East coast against Adelaide. I did when I was coming up, man, cause there was a lot of back and forth with other rappers and coming out of battling as well. Yeah. Battling too.
And then do a song with the rapper. He's not down with this rapper.
Suddenly you've inherited his beef he had with him, but now I'm at a level I can just ignore it all. I can, but yeah, coming up there was, there were beefs and that, but I've learned it's better not to entertain it. I really have, man. It doesn't get you anything unless it's a rap battle you're getting paid for, or they're running on pay-per-view like they're doing in America now. Yeah. I don't know point entertaining the beef man.
For sure. Just sticking to the music and yeah, touring. And then by the time the tour is finished back into another album, just yeah. Yeah. Well I, I have kind of noticed that, that ever since, uh, since 2011 you've released an album on the year and they've all come out in either October or November. So I guess the pressure is on for your next album to come out uh, this November. Yeah.
I might be pushing this year's back until early next year, just because my vocal cord, what happened now, pushed tour back, which means I finished tour and I really needed a break cause it was like at the 10 year mark. Now I was like, at least a month took that off. Now I really don't want to rush a Russian album just to get it out by November just because it, so yeah, if I push it to February, it's still, still going to be 10 and 10 years. I'll just have to catch up next time.
Do you find being independent and not having to deal with suits and, and execs that you can actually work so much better, man. Yeah. Like no one telling you, Oh, do this, do that. It's just like I set a plan out. Boom. When it's ready, take it here and it's good.
So it's so much better than like the pressure on or like the content, make a song like this for the radio. Oh, we're going to try and go down this alley where we'll get you a singer for the chorus and you rap about this. And then you talk about how much you loved her and she left you. So then we bring her back into the chorus and then the radio will love it.
I don't have none of that. I just get up and go, I'm the sickest cunt. I'm into rap and they love it.
Yeah, no, it's, it is interesting to see, uh, I mean, how old are you now? 27? I'm 27. I'll stay 27 for like 10 years. 27 year olds, whether you, whether you're out there working anywhere, are working pretty hard.
It's kind of hard to imagine rock bands coming up with albums every six years. And he got to wonder, does maybe all these layers of management get in the way of these guys actually doing what they do? And it sounds like it probably is. You, you're completely left alone with your producers and shit and you get one album a year for a decade. I think you're pretty accurate there, man. I think that's the case with a lot of rappers too.
I've heard like, I have a finished product. Probably do it as quick as I do, but the labels just keep it on the shelf or like whenever it's better for them to release, like I don't have that man. Warner, shout out to Warner. They're really like, as soon as I'm ready to go, they got enough trust in me to know, I know what I'm doing by now. So yeah, I think that's being left alone is like, and just able to focus on the art massive part, massive part.
You self-managed? No, I've got a manager. So you've got a manager.
And where does, did that come from?
It came from, my manager's a lady named Fern from, so when I was getting distribution through Obese records, they managed me for a while. Fern was running most of that. And then we both left Obese and she carried on to be my manager. And yeah, she's really pulled off a lot of big moves for me and yeah, she's been a real hand to have. I wouldn't have got this far without her just for the stuff that I don't deal with the behind the scenes, organizing gigs.
And they'd hear me on the phone and say, he's not getting our venue. He's not coming in.
So you're not too hard to get hold of. We wrote a story about Curse about a year ago, and then you kind of, we got in touch with each other and now you're coming through town, you're a guest. It's not that hard to get onto you.
Do you find you get people reaching out from funny parts of like music and stuff? You get a nod from someone? Yeah man, like a random nod from like Canada, Germany, like fans like that.
And I'm pretty like, as you said, I'm pretty easy to get in touch with, like you just hit me through a DM. So I suss my DMs now and then. But yeah, I'm not like, that's why the media can't use that as an excuse. I'm pretty easy to get hold of. And then my manager's details are on my website. In case you want to send 18 letters a week.
But have you had any other musicians in the country that you wouldn't have expected reach out or you kind of? Not really to tell you the truth, man. They kind of leave me alone too. Not in a negative way. They might, yeah, they just haven't reached out.
But yeah, my music, what I listen to is pretty broad, man. I listen to Pete Murray, Powder Finger, a lot of different shit that surprises me. A bit of Queensland rock? Just kicking back, soul music, man. And then like hardcore hip hop, like a bit of everything, man. I like Me Aussie rock.
Well, they had you on Rage this year, but other than that, maybe that's about all we'd see on TV. Which I was surprised about with Rage, but they said they've been reaching out since 2015.
So yeah, I can't knock that back. I can't run them down now.
They let us on there and ran the episode and let us play what music we wanted, which is cool. The best of Death Rock.
Yeah, pretty much. And some Pete Murray. I didn't throw no Pete in. Sorry, Pete. Next time. Or some Paul Kelly. Yeah.
So how many dates on a tour? And do you ever get to New Zealand? No, we want to next tour.
Yeah, we added Kansas tour. So we added, went right up. But yeah, so usually do a state a weekend. This time we had to kind of double up because I was catching up on dates.
So you haven't, you haven't taken, you actually haven't performed overseas before. Never.
Wow. Yeah.
Have you ever got word of them playing your stuff over there? There was a battle league over there that wanted me to go battle King of the Dot in Canada in 2012 or something because of some old charges I had at the time that stopped me from entering the country. But that was about the only people that have reached out for performing overseas, performance wise, heaps of producers have hit me up from over there to like make beats for me and stuff. But yeah, performance wise, I haven't really looked into it to be honest either.
So homegrown that you definitely are your whole entire kind of income and support comes from Australia. Yeah, fully man, like fully in like from, you know, city spots to all the way out in the streets and shit man.
It's like, pretty, my fans are like, it's so like, you meet so many, I meet so many different style of like fans, like a computer kid and then like a street kid, a computer kid, you know what I mean? Bit of a nerd. An indoor cat. So like a nerdy kid, you know, a kid probably having a rough run and then like, girls, I got a big girl fan base, which I think is like, that's like, Oh, yeah, that's good.
Yeah. No, I think that's half the country. He's gonna release a fashion line. Yeah. New merch coming soon, by the way, but um, here's my perfume. Yeah.
But um, yeah, it's very broad fan base, man. And I noticed that at the shows and at the signings I do. So that's pretty cool too, bro. So you can't really put down a cursive fan in one. Nah, people like expect not to be fans, man.
I went to, um, Cabramatta for a feed. Did you know where Cabramatta is?
Yeah. Massive area for, um, yeah.
Went upstairs and people never thought would recognize me coming here.
Can we get photos?
Like, wow, man. It's like, YouTube's really massive. And I suppose when I think about it, more people jump online now than put on TV. So it's like being on TV pretty much with the amount of hits I'm getting, if you know what I mean.
Yeah. Right. Well, we've got to get you to New Zealand, I'm sure. Because, you know, it doesn't take much, what, two albums as a rock band. You've got, you've got at least an open gig. Well, yeah, I suppose. A couple of years ago, you could say that there was a bit of a Kiwi invasion in terms of hip hop. You know, there was, uh, scribe and pay money. Savage. Yeah. Yep. Yeah.
I've got to get over there, man. It's definitely on the agenda. Joe, who I was telling you about, the bodyguard, he's got a few hookups over there and knows a few places he reckons we'll pack out. So definitely gonna head over there.
And I've never left Australia, man. So I just want to get overseas. Yeah. Well, you've been working pretty well. I've been overseas. I've been to Tassie.
Over the Gulf? Yeah. Over a sea.
Are you a passport holder? Yes, I do have one.
Yeah, you just haven't used it. I just haven't. It's got no stamps.
I'm ready. So yeah, you got into a bit of trouble when you were younger. And that kind of, you know, well, in the middle of whatever you were doing at the time, kind of, you didn't have the time to go through that, to go to Canada. To start all that.
Do you reckon, and it kind of comes through in your songs, that you were without this, without this music thing, you could have gotten in trouble? Yeah, I think, yeah, I was probably on a pretty bad road, to be honest, man, if I'm completely honest. I was like, getting into drugs and shit like that, and pretty easily influenced. So I think music, that's why I say it in my songs, like, I'm not, I actually mean it. Music saved my life, changed the path I was heading on.
It's really saved me, bro. It's like a gift, and I think that's why I've worked so hard on it, because I know it's like a safe, not a safety net, but you know what I mean? It's there, it's like, really saved me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I put so much time into it.
Well, mate, just before we go, there's one question that our station manager, he, he asked us to ask you, he said, he said, How did you get the name, Cursor? In year three, I didn't have a tag. So it was my first tag.
So it was graffiti? It was graffiti, yeah, scribbling it in a desk.
And then, man, that's how, that's how like, year three, how old are you there? It's like, 10. Yeah, man, since 10 or 11. Yeah.
And then I started rapping, like I did, I was always terrible at it, but I did a bit of graffiti and that around, and like, people started calling me curse, curse, started rapping, and it just made sense. And that happens, there's a lot of guys. Heaps, man, you'd be surprised, I mean, the rappers actually got their name from graph and that.
And some of the other kind of tag lines, you've got a BK, what's that? Um, that stands for a few things.
That's been our crew since we were like, 15, man. Oh, actually, like, 13.
We started that and like, this is our young we were the Aussie bong crew. We used to think bongs were that cool. Yeah. Aussie bong crew. And it turned to like, you know, all bong killers, like just a whole bunch of things. Yeah.
And those are the guys on the road with you? Yeah, yeah, they go on the road, those that can travel and yeah, the others come to Sydney, like I've stayed down with my crew from day one. They've watched me evolve and yeah.
So probably a curse or a Sydney gig wouldn't be the best place to start some shit. Not with me. Maybe catching the tutor or something. No, no, you've got you've got shooters out here too.
Well, thanks for joining us, Kurt. Thanks for having me. It's been great hearing your story.
Hopefully the other mainstream cowards will catch on this homegrown talent we have in Australia. He hasn't even been overseas and he's still he's doing he's doing bigger numbers than any other musician in this country.
So thank you, cursor. New album coming out soon. That's it. And thanks so much for having me. I really appreciate it, guys. It means a lot. You know what I mean? So thanks a lot. No worries, curse. Well, new album coming out soon-ish.
In November, maybe. Yeah, we'll just say November and I'll push it back.
I'm surprised. All right. Cheers, mate.
And that was MC Cursor, ladies and gentlemen, down from Sydney's Hume Highway corridor down there in Campbelltown. Thank you for taking time out of your relaxing holiday, curse, to come speak to us. Coming up to the top of the hour now, we don't have enough time for the mailbag again this week.
It was interesting. It was interesting in that one.
Just before we go, you think that interesting talking to Cursor in that he does exist. He tours the country worldwide. It's not just a Campbelltown thing that we've figured out today. And maybe, maybe he'll get a few more interviews after this one, because we feel like bringing him out to our town, well, we know he has fans. He's kind of been able to, you know, plead his case. You know, the switchboard has been lighting up with calls from across the country. We've got Tom there in Kununurra. He's called in to say Cursor, great interview.
Great to hear your voice. Look forward to the new release.
Yeah, one on the text line. Kerry from Ingham, I believe. She says, Cursor, you are the sickest cunt.
And we'd have to agree. Again, thank you for joining us today, Cursor. This is the Batutah Advocate Radio show with Clancy Overall and Errol Parker. Thank you for joining us. You be kind to each other.
Until next week, my name is Errol Parker and stay out of the pokies and don't talk to the police.
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cracked | an_urgent_message_to_guys_who_comment_on_internet_videos_with_grace_helbig_and_noel_wells | Hey, hi, hi, hello, hi, I'm an attractive woman on the internet You're someone who comments on my videos or articles so cute more more more What you say isn't always pleasant but honestly that's not what I'm here to talk to you about today though Yes, you are awful. You're awful more alarming though Is is those of you that think you're being? Complementary your breasts look exceptional on this one. You have an amazing pair of tits you you bitch You look especially cute today.
You should think about doing poor Well, I appreciate that you're trying to express a fondness for what I do You're doing it wrong if you like one of my videos screaming Is wrong providing the phonetic representation of the sound of a man masturbating Fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat Is incredibly wrong unless you've just typed in credit card information telling a woman You've never met that you masturbated to her comedy video. It'll just never be the right thing to do. I Don't know. Maybe you're confused because on the internet. There are videos where women explicitly tell you to masturbate. Yeah, I'm not making those breasts Look if you like something that I do say that and if you like masturbating to things then go do that Just like don't tell me about it. Just Don't tell me about it. Don't tell me about it Thanks for your time I've been a woman of the internet I didn't ask to see your genitals So don't ask to see mine and please stop telling me how you masturbate stop telling me how you masturbate stop Stop telling me how you masturbate. No, don't stop. |
TheOnion | Obama_Vows_To_Stop_America_s_Shitty_Jobs_From_Going_Overseas | Obama will be meeting with blue collar workers from Indiana to Ohio this week to impart the message that if elected he would stop American's shitty jobs from going overseas. A statement from the Obama campaign today said the tour's purpose is to quote, send the message that we must stop the outsourcing of our most tedious and dangerous jobs to other countries. That shit work can and should be done by Americans. The message resonated with auto factory worker Lou Warren who recently lost his shitty job screwing seats onto riding lawn mowers when his factory relocated to Ecuador. My grandfather had a shitty job, my father had a shitty job and I would like to see a president who could guarantee that my son will have a shitty job. The Obama campaign is using the tour as a way to call attention to their keep shit work in America plan which entails creating tax credits for American companies that keep awful low paying jobs at home and creating tariffs to protect American goods from nations with even shittier wages. We're not asking for much, just a chance to work our fingers down to the bone for very little money. I believe that Barack Obama can get us back on our feet 12 to 14 hours a day. The plan wouldn't just promote shitty job creation but would also increase funding for on the shit job training to give every worker the opportunity to advance from the shitty job they are in to a slightly better paying shitty job. To coincide with the tour, this week Obama released a new TV ad stating his commitment to protect America's drained and beat down workers.
I'm Barack Obama and I approve this message. Thank you Jane. In response the McCain campaign released this statement today, quote, America needs to focus on the shitty jobs of the future, like telemarketing, customer service and mind numbingly boring office jobs. |
dropout | Game_Changer_Season_5_Trailer | Oh God, I'm so nervous. I hate it forever. Oh God, that's horrifying. This is not okay. I hate you! Oh, that's fucked up. You son of a bitch. This sucks! I'm gonna die before this episode's over.
You all understand how the game works. No! I've been told very little. Sam, you know we don't know how it works. Occasionally you do know how it works, because there are sequel episodes. Brennan, never correct me. Our players have no idea what game it is they're about to play.
I am gonna ask you to stay very still. I'm worried about baby Keko. You're about to have a knife thrown at you.
What? Yeah, boy! Okay, we ready? Go! Oh!
Show me bunny!
We're hitting the strip club! Introducing now... That clip already has millions of views. Oh my god! Five, four, three, two... Your tower's gonna fall.
Laugh it up now. Laugh it up. |
cracked | the_action_movie_with_the_best_car_chase_in_history_action_movie_debate | My mom is from Ireland. When we would go visit, sometimes I would stay home and I would get to rent a movie at the local video store. Season one of Twin Peaks had come out on TV. I went to the video store in Ireland and they had Twin Peaks on a VHS tape to rent. I can't stress this enough how unusual this was. This just came out on television. So I rented the first episode of Twin Peaks.
It gets to the end and I sit up and I'm like, what's going on? And she's like, I know who killed my daughter. And she calls the sheriff and they start solving the case. What?
And I'm sitting there and I'm watching this alone in a house in Ireland. And I'm like, I know this isn't how the episode ends. It was years before I found out that David Lynch, in order to finance the pilot for Twin Peaks, had a deal where he had to film an ending so that European companies could release it as a standalone movie. That is so wild.
Welcome back to Staff Picks. Today, we are in Bridgeport, Connecticut at The Archive. Look, this is a show all about celebrating the importance and greatness of physical media. And this store is actually owned by Vinegar Syndrome, which is one of the coolest specialty movie distribution companies out there.
Today, of course, as always, I'm joined by my cohost, Daniel Radford. Hi, hello. And we have with us special guests, Millie Tamaras.
Connor, we love talking about physical media here. We're building a video store. What do video stores mean to you?
Browsing. The browsing experience. I wasted a lot of time browsing in video stores and I miss it because it's not the same as scrolling. It's the full experience.
I could spend, and I used to spend a lot of time, sometimes I would go to a video rental store, browse for an hour and leave without renting anything because I just couldn't make a decision. But you love thinking about the possibilities of what you could watch. Yeah, it was a bad feeling to leave with no movie, but I got that good feeling of the hour of like, maybe I'm gonna be able to decide what I want. What was your go-to video store? The first one I remember, there was a store called Movies to Go, and the two was the number two. And that's where the videos were those, the clamshell movies, and I would run a lot of Disney. I remember renting movies like Saludos Amigos and The Three Caballeros.
There are also a lot of movies that I've never seen, but I've stared at the box for them a lot. Because particularly when you're a kid, you walk past a lot of sections and there are movies that like, they're not for you. They're adult movies. So they're either scary or sexual, or there's something about them that is like, you get the whole story from seeing the cover on the video box.
And back then you couldn't pull out your phone and be like, what is this thing? I remember there was a movie, I'm trying to remember the title of it, but I think it was Robert Redford and Jeff Goldblum. It was like, maybe they're reporters. Maybe it's like a horror comedy. I don't know, but I stared at the box a lot. I don't know what this is. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe I've been conflating several different things. Robert Redford was in a movie where he played a reporter. Was that up close and personal? Yes. And of course he played a reporter in All the President's Men. Maybe they were detectives, not reporters. Wow. Picture what the movie is. Maybe it wasn't Robert Redford. This sounds really good. I think it was Jeff Goldblum. I could be wrong about all of it.
Not on the show. Doesn't come up? That's not a movie.
Transylvania 65000. Yes.
Jeff Goldblum and Ed Begley Jr. But look at the art on that and tell me from the point of view of a child, has he ever looked more like Robert Redford? That's Redford in The Sting. That is Robert Redford, right?
That is not- Okay, that's fair. That is fair.
Has anyone actually seen that movie? I haven't seen it. I've stared at the box.
Transylvania 65000? Yeah. Oh, I certainly have. It's been a minute though, but I liked it.
It's very, very goofy. A lot of people would call it bad, but you know how I have my two lists? This would go on the enjoyable bad list.
Okay. All right.
I've always been fascinated by it. It is. I enjoyed it a lot. I've got to go back and watch it. All right, so thank you so much for sharing that because I needed to not leave here before knowing what that was. There was also, my mom is from Ireland. And- So is mine. Really?
Where in Ireland? Claire. My mom was from Arklow in Wicklow County and her sister was named Claire.
When we would go visit, sometimes I would stay home and I would get to rent a movie at the local video store in this little town of Arklow. And when I was in high school, my parents and everyone in the family, they would all go out to the pub and I would stay back at the house and I would rent a movie. And this is probably September of 90, I think, 1990 or 91, whatever year Twin Peaks was coming out. Season one of Twin Peaks had come out on TV and I was out of town as season two was about to start. And I had spent the summer watching it on taped off of television videotapes. And I was obsessed with Twin Peaks. And I went to the video store in Ireland and they had Twin Peaks on a VHS tape to rent.
And I'm like, it said it was two hours long. I'm like, okay, so this is the pilot. This is the pilot. But it's, and I have to, I can't stress this enough how unusual this was.
This just came out on television. TV shows did not just go on to VHS for rental. And so I thought, well, this is crazy but I want to watch it again. I've been watching it all summer. It'll make me feel good to watch it here. So I rented the first episode of Twin Peaks, the two hour pilot directed by David Lynch. And I'm just watching it. I've seen it a handful of times already.
It gets to the end. I know what's about to happen which is that Sarah Palmer is about to see this vision. Then it will say executive producers, David Lynch and Mark Frost. Instead, she has a completely different vision.
And I sit up and I'm like, what's going on? And she's like, I know who killed my daughter. And she calls the sheriff and they start solving the case.
What? And I'm sitting there and I'm watching this alone in a house in Ireland. And I'm like, I know this isn't how the episode ends. And over the course of like 10 minutes, they solve the mystery of who killed Laura Palmer which wouldn't be solved on TV for months in America. Was it the same resolution? No. Whoa, who killed her in this version?
Well, it was Bob, but he wasn't a spoiler for Twin Peaks. It was Bob, but he wasn't a demon. He was just a guy they found in the basement of the hospital and they found him and they shot him and he was dead.
And a lot of the footage was stuff that would later be the dream sequence. But this was pre-internet. So I'm watching this and I have no way of looking up what it is I'm watching. So I go back to, so people come on and I'm like, I watched Twin Peaks and it got solved on the videotape tonight that I rented from the, and I got home and I told all my friends, I watched a version of Twin Peaks that solved the mystery. And it was years before I found out that David Lynch, in order to finance the pilot for Twin Peaks, had a deal where he had to film an ending so that European companies could release it as a standalone movie. That is so wild. But I probably didn't learn that until like 1995. Like that was one of the first things I think, it was maybe 93 or whatever. One of the first things I looked up when the internet became a thing I could access was like, what is the deal with the Twin Peaks ending?
So does everyone just like think you were lying when you would tell them about it? No, well, he was lying about the Robert Redford, Jeff Goldblum movie. So I was waiting for it to be a lie.
So Millie, how about you? What was your experience, you know, back in the days of the video rental stores? Yeah, so the two main places that you could rent videos were Blockbuster, obviously, and Hollywood Video, which they meant Hollywood, like California, but I grew up in Hollywood, Florida. So it was a double meaning. I do remember the snacks being really good at Blockbuster. That was one of my favorite things. They had like all the weird gums and shit.
But I think something that I, yeah, you know, like the candy paste, you know what I'm talking about? Something that I liked to do, and I kind of still like to do at restaurants and stuff, but like asking the staff, like, hey, what do you think I should rent? Or like, what are you, you know, and they have like their own curated tastes and stuff. Yeah, like you take a lot more risks and you just basically go off of like what the box says. And I remember like when I was in high school, me and my sister who has, now I know like, now I can clearly define that my sister has more mainstream tastes. Some may say basic. I say basic tastes than I do. Whereas I have a little bit more fringe, you know, whatever interest in takes.
Famously, they didn't have a good time and there was abuse on that set. But thank you for pointing that out as I'm sharing a memory from my childhood. But anyway, my sister, she was pissed after we watched that movie because she's like the fucking box said it was laugh out loud funny. This shit was not laugh out loud funny. I did not laugh out loud once and I'm like, I laughed out loud.
And then we would argue on whether or not the box had any validity. And that's the kind of shit where, yeah, like, you know, nowadays, if somebody recommends, you know, you're basing it off of not the box and what the marketing company says about, you know, you're really basing your opinions off of like, oh, my friend says I should say, or this and that or whatever. Oh, I heard it's bad, you know. But instead it's just like, you're just going off the box.
All right, folks, today, we are picking for our action check. Since you've been in a sharing mood. All right. I found this process so stressful. I've seen a lot of things that I'm bookmarking in my head that I might come back to. All right, going back up to the disks. I'm gonna grab heat just to be safe. But see, I've entered into a problem here because I saw, what do you call it? A laser disk over there.
Wait, what's this? What's this?
Is it used Blu-ray that's continued? All right. I do feel like I've picked a good action film, which is Heat, the Michael Mann, a very long movie. I've seen it many times. It's not wall to wall action.
It's actually like, if you watch it enough times, you start to notice it's actually about a week in the life of this cop and this criminal. There's a lot of stuff about how they feel sad. It's about sad men feeling sad about how they can't help but be a cop or be a robber.
The action is the juice. That's a quote from that movie. Now, is the Heat metaphorical or literal? Neil Macaulay, the character played by a new father, Robert De Niro, and new father, Al Pacino. They both are having little babies now. Yeah, I know. Decades after.
But Neil Macaulay, he's a career criminal who says he doesn't form attachments. His mentor in crime said, Don't get too attached to anything that you can't walk away from in 30 seconds when you feel the heat around the corner.
And there's a sequence. This is a little spoilery. There's a sequence in the movie. He forms an attachment in this movie to a woman that he falls in love with, and he has to make a choice to walk away from her. If you time it, it's 30 seconds and a bit. And that's a little bit of a clue as to how the movie ends, but there is a sequence where he has a 30-second decision to make, and it's not something that I noticed until I'd seen it a few times, but it's just a little over 30 seconds. So he got a little too attached.
Yeah. Anyone read Heat 2, by the way? I own a copy. Read it? I haven't read it yet. It's a book? Yeah, last year, Michael Mann, who wrote and directed Heat, published a novel, Heat 2, which is a sequel and a prequel. It's like a Godfather 2. I read it a few months ago. It's so good.
But now he's talking about his next movie. He might just make Heat 2 now as a movie. I hope he does.
So everyone's a-buzzin' about, like, who's gonna play, you know, young Macaulay and Hannah. Hey, if they wait a couple decades, they could have one of their kids do it. They could? Yeah. Or what are the kids that are 50 years old now? Or they can have one of their wives do it. Or they could use the Irishman technology and have them play perfect-looking, young versions of themselves.
Sprinting all over the place. Okay, cool. Heat, that is a great choice. Millie, what'd you bring for us? Yes, so this was really, really difficult.
My strategy is movies that are sexual awakenings for me. Batman Returns, okay. I'll pick BDSM Batman. Ya got me.
It was in between this and The Great Muppet Caper as a classic action flick. You know, Jordan was arguing with me about Great Muppet Caper, but- Wait, action? There's a gun? There's a heist in that, you know? So, that's some fucking action if you ask me. They drive a bus into a hotel. Hello. But I decided that that was a comedy with action in it. And this is just pure unadulterated action.
We got Batman Returns. Ooh. I enjoyed this because it is, and should I open it too? The old Warner Brothers cardboard snap cases. Now, what I enjoyed about this was the first Batman with Jack Nicholson had Kim Bessinger in it. And she was just screaming the whole time, completely helpless, like so lame and like whatever, like at Batman's whims. And here you got fucking dominatrix ass Michelle Pfeiffer. And you know, Batman, which is really the biggest sub of the world, Mr. Beta, B for Beta, and Batman is over here figuring out that he likes to be whipped and scratched and bitten, you know? By the kitten. So, Batman Returns.
Also, you know, I think action as a genre, personally, my personal philosophy, too many men taking themselves seriously. We got men in costumes, wigs, all kinds of goofy ass shit. Love it. Again, there's, it's just very outwardly BDSM, which is important in a good action movie. Michael Keaton, who's, again, this was a sexual awakening for me, this and Mr. Mom, as I shared earlier, Michael Keaton allows himself to be vulnerable in this action movie where we all know the action movies of today, The Rock, Jason Staton, all that shit, they don't allow themselves to lose at all. This motherfucker in this movie, he loses and likes it. So, am I allowed to curse? Anyway, my pick, Batman Returns.
What a good bitch. Very, very nice.
Michael, can't be back there. Michael Keaton.
It's the only way from the bathroom. The bat room, he said the bat room. Michael Keaton. He's in the bathroom? The bat room.
Oh, oh, oh, action pick, Jackie Chan's Police Story. Done, sorry, bad boys. Police Story with Jackie Chan. Jackie Chan is like probably one of the three greatest action stars of all time.
He did it all. He, you know, he crossed over to the US. He would direct his movies. He was like an insane perfectionist who almost killed himself over and over and over and over again for our entertainment.
And I think Police Story, the whole trilogy is great. But the first one might be his masterpiece. It's perfect action comedy. It is, you know, the opening sequence alone has everything from the, it has the scene that like, you know, bad boys two homaged with bars driving down a hill, like crashing through shacks while he's like clinging to, you know, the side of a speeding bus. Of course it has the giant shopping mall final set piece where, you know, there's so much glass breaking and, you know, his big final stunt, which I will not spoil if you haven't seen the movie, they replay it like five times from five different angles because it's so amazing that he didn't die while making it. It's just genuinely, I think, like one of the best action movies of all time. The fight scenes are so good. The stunt work is unreal. And it's also really, really funny. There's a scene that's just him in the police station alone trying to answer like five phones at the same time while sliding around on like a rolling office chair. And like this, the elegance, balletics of it, of like trying to him like juggling these phones and spinning around and all the cords and everything. The physical comedy is incredible. It's like, it may be Jackie Chan's finest moment. And he's one of the greats.
So that's why I picked Police Story. All right, and bringing in the caboose on this train. Oh, come on. I mean, I think we gotta do this for action, right? I mean, it's just cause the car chase, but I'm counting it. This is one talking about a bunch of dudes being very serious for no good reason in an action movie and talking about great car chases. I went with Bullet. Hell yeah. Yeah. Bullet is, granted, probably considered more of a mystery, but it has not just like one of the best, nope, oh, there it is. Yay, I thought this one, I didn't wanna be the one to break the plastic.
Steve McQueen and Bullet, amazing action sequences and probably the best car chase that had been filmed up until that point. It is the car chase scene by which every car chase scene before we got Fast and Furious would be judged by. I mean, granted, he never went to space like they did in the Fast and the Furious, but it is an amazing sequence. But I believe that something that people talk about very often is that when you are at the zeitgeist at the Vanguard of whatever it is that you're doing, if you go back and watch those later, they might seem boring because everything has taken bits and pieces of what this did. And I think that that's a lot of what happened with the car chase in Bullet.
Also, Steve McQueen is a very hot 60s white man. He is a very, very attractive 60s white man.
And yeah, the cinematography looks gorgeous. The mystery is engaging.
The performances are fantastic, but mostly I like car chases so incredibly much. I think it's because I don't drive or maybe that is why I don't drive. I'm not sure who knows, but I really enjoy car chase movies. And so this is one where I won't even necessarily watch the movie. Sometimes I'll just go on YouTube and just watch the chase scene. It was always like a tradition in my family where if someone was browsing channels and someone saw that Bullet was on, it was close to the car chase, they'd be like, Bullet car chase is coming on in like 10 minutes. And we'd all just assemble in the living room to just watch the car chase. I've seen the full movie once or twice. I've seen the car chase like a hundred times.
Easily, easily a hundred times, yeah. It's also a scene where I feel like it helped certain movies define a place that when you go to San Francisco, you can't help but think about it. And there are a couple of movies that do that with San Francisco, but I tend to think of Bullet first. Anytime I'm in a car in San Francisco, I'm always like, are we gonna do a Bullet chase? Yeah. Is the hubcap gonna pop off when we can make that one turn?
This is, I'm looking at these four movies and I'm really having a tough time because I really like all of these movies. All of these are amazing. Heat is fantastic. Batman Returns, I am on record as saying is my favorite Batman movie. Mine too.
And it might, it is possible, the part of it is, you said Batman is beta. Not only is Batman so beta in this, Michael Keaton actually kept asking for the part of Batman to be cut down. There is the least amount of any Batman in a Batman movie in Batman Returns.
Yeah. Because Michael Keaton was like, no, this is clearly the most important parts with the, so let's just do more of that. Police Story, that one, I don't even know if I'm gonna be able to argue against because Police Story is just wall to wall packed and considering the way that it also fits in the physical comedy and the way that Jackie Chan does everything. Yeah, that's the one to beat for me. I love Jackie Chan.
ACAP, baby, I can't vote for Police Story. You're not getting my vote. Sorry. Ethically, if aliens come to our video store and they see compaganda, what message does that send about planet Earth?
I'm sorry, no. Aren't these three about cops? No, Batman, barely not a cop. No, no, no, no. Batman is a fascist. You're the only one that doesn't have cops. I mean, that's Commissioner Gordon. Yeah, and barely cops. And it's all about how they corrupt. No, no, I was not saying yours. I was saying that these are all about cops.
But Gordon is lionized in the Batman films. It is. He's the one good egg. Oh, no. There is no corruption in the police force in Batman Returns.
There's corruption in government and how rich people pay off politicians. There is. And the penguins were corrupt and they were cops too. He did. He got him a bunch of little corrupt cop penguins.
So, sorry. All cops are birds. I didn't even realize that. All cops are birds. I'm just saying. Yeah, wow, I didn't even, see, I don't even know what bullet, cause bullet clearly was spelled incorrectly. So I didn't. So maybe I should have deduced that it was about cops.
But he, when you had heat, I thought it was the Sandra Bullock movie. I mean, it is the Sandra Bullock movie of Al Pacino, Robert De Niro movies.
Okay. It is. They, you know, they love each other. And then one of them shoots the other. Yeah. Which one?
No spoilers. But can you spoil something that's been out for 30 years? I contend no. Have we all seen Heat here? No.
Okay. It's very good. I've lived this long. Yeah. Without watching. Even if you know how it is, it's still good. It's fine, yeah.
Because again, you were saying spoiler alert about police story, but it had nothing to do with the plot. It was a stunt. No, I can barely remember what the plot is. It's mostly him just doing kung fu.
And that is the core of action. Exactly. Is that it doesn't really matter what the plot is. Exactly.
I mean, I will say, even though I have just been told that I'm, that there's no chance. The police story does not have a chance.
But I will say, if I can make a defense for it, of the, I've seen all four movies. It has the best action scenes of any of these movies. Even if you were, cause that could be a subjective thing, could be argued against. I think there's no argument against it.
It has the most action. Yeah, the most volume. It has the most action.
It is, these are two movies that I love. These, Heat and Bullet, are both movies that are like, they basically have, each have like one big action scene, and lower on action for like the rest of them. I'd say at least three. Cause you got the trucks at the beginning, and he's got the bank robbery, which also has the aftermath, which is sort of its own discrete. But it is, there's like full hours between the action. I'm sorry, but does any of these have, somebody with a whip, that's beating up mannequins in an apartment store? I mean, it doesn't get more action than that.
I'll rest my case soon. But I would say Rumble in the Bronx, that's filmed in Hong Kong. It would have been a better. Oh yes. She was just like, ah, dammit, I wasn't thinking strategically. I let, I passed on Rumble in the Bronx, cause I was like, the police story is the best one.
It is, it is one wall to wall set piece. I will say also on the Batman Returns side, is that while we are rightfully praising Jackie Chan for doing everything he did, Michelle Pfeiffer actually does all of that whipping. That is her. They practiced that forever. So that scene where she is in with the mannequins, she's actually doing all of them. It is true.
It's also, that's not actually an action scene. Why not? Because she's just kind of hanging out, whipping mannequins. That's not action to you? Mm. It depends how you define action. No, I mean, I love the scene. Yeah, how do you define action in your patriarchal view?
There's nothing I can say to this. That will be an acceptable answer. So I'm just going to fade into the bushes. It's okay, it's okay. It's time for you to listen. Exactly. Yeah, it's all right.
I think it's one of those things where it's almost more like, that scene is a cooler version of a montage. Whereas a lot of people might've put a like, I'm becoming cat woman montage, where like you watch her like training in the ways of a cat or whatever, and you watch her learn how to whip. This one was like, no, Rescued Director Kai Katz goes and whips the mannequins. You don't need nothing else. But it's a great demonstration of like how she has evolved in her power set. Oh yeah, I love the scene.
I'm just saying, I wouldn't call that an action scene. That's all it is. Okay, well, you're wrong.
I'm kidding, no. To make an argument in favor of you, if Jackie Chan was cat woman, he would have fell out that building himself, and not completely jumped out that window. And they'd show it five times in a row. And then at the end of the movie during the credits, they'd show you like the bloopers, where he like breaks his leg in five places, and they haul him away, and they have to finish shooting the movie like months later. That's how it would go. And this is how he can't get insured unless he doesn't do his own stunts anymore. Exactly. This is tough.
I don't know. Is everyone now just pushing for their own movie? No. No, I've already, I'm down with a group consensus, but it's hard for me to ever fight against Batman Returns.
It is one of my favorite movies. It is my favorite Christmas movie. Yeah, it's a Christmas movie.
It's really hard for me to fight against. I will say, of the three that aren't, or of the ones that aren't mine, even though ACAB, I do, I mean, ACAB, all of this, I will at least go with police story. It is the thing about the action genre is that if you want to bring in ACAB and fascism and stuff like that- And anti-misogyny, you're never gonna win. It is the most, maybe the most problematic genre. Probably, I would agree. So much of it is- But horror has a lot of like political and like social justice- And can be surprisingly progressive. It can, but when it doesn't do any of those things, it is the most regressive thing in the entire- I agree, I can. Action is a fairly consistently, oh, it's about powerful men with guns solving problems.
The pew pew of it all. Yeah, a lot of pew pew.
So if everyone feels strongly about police story, then I will concede my vote. But I also, you know. Connor, how do you feel? I mean, I was inclined because you pull out the VHS box. You got the nostalgia vote.
Yeah, it has a little bit of that. It has the most action. So it has that. But it's hard to argue against bullet or Batman Returns either. Yeah.
It's a tricky one. I don't think I'm gonna be the deciding vote on this. I'm gonna go ahead and take bullet out of contention. It's a little bit more thinky. So I'm going to- We don't wanna think with action.
We want a pew pew. I want a pew pew.
If you don't wanna think, I mean, this one's a whole follow-up novel. Then you can't watch Eat. I'm not gonna read. Yeah. You don't wanna watch an action movie then read a book? No thank you.
Ain't got no pictures? What are we doing here?
With two new dads? Two geriatric dads? Two cops, two decades later will, or one cop, one criminal have little babies 30 years later?
Yeah. Also we got Val Kilmer right in the middle there. Yeah.
Where is he? He's been sick. Where's Val Kilmer? He's been really sick.
Well, he was in- Top Gun Maverick. Top Gun Maverick.
And- He was heavily implied in the Willow TV series. They kept saying they was gonna show up. Exactly.
I think you could kind of hear him. Well, too bad we're never gonna watch it again. Not to be a bummer, but yeah. Val Kilmer got throat cancer several years back and basically like can't talk anymore. Oh, now I feel bad for bringing that up. I mean this part might not make it in. Yeah, he did make a documentary about his life called Val.
Okay, so I could have- And he's also not having kids at 80 years old. Cause he's not 80. Well, he's not 80 yet, so there's still time to tell.
Exactly, anything's possible. Okay, so we're down to these two. We're down to these two.
He does bite a man's nose off. Bite a man's nose, and guess what? That man deserved it.
He asked too many questions. It's true.
He was very rude. That guy was like very rude. Really condescending. He was super condescending.
I mean, Danny DeVito was a murderer in this, and maybe whatever, but also- That is true. He did try to kill babies.
It's super gross sewer, man. But like, that dude didn't know that. All right, well, I feel like, I feel like you're the deciding vote. Oh, gross. Okay, um, geez.
This is for the video store, so how much does your, you know? Oh, see, now, yeah, if you're saying, and you're right, you do have to consider what this is for the video store, and part of what's so cool about the video store is, the point of this is being able to introduce people to something that they might not see very often.
Police Story isn't streaming everywhere. You can't just go onto like, you know, Jackie Chan Maxx and like, go watch Police Story. Side note, someone create Jackie Chan Maxx, please. Okay, so if that is the case, then this is simply because we're trying to introduce people to stuff that they possibly haven't seen, and that isn't as maybe widely available as other things. I'm gonna go with Police Story.
I mean, look, last time, that's why I withdrew Terminator 2 from, you know, Contention. Another one of my favorite movies. I know, and I genuinely feel kind of bad right now. Wow, you should. I do. I mean, like, I think it's a thing where I'm just like, I think Police Story should be the one, but also I feel, you know, cause I like all these movies a lot. Well, but it's a good case, and that's why I knew you were gonna, you know, because it's true.
This is, you know, Heat. All of these are, you know, classic American, but this is more, you know, deep cut. It's a thing that this is often not streaming. And you, any of these are like Sunday dad movies where it's like, oh, that's gonna be on TBS. Like I'm gonna be able to just watch that flipping through the channels.
I will say, I'm not putting Heat back into Contention. It's just for the purpose of the conversation. Yeah, uh-huh. Because I think this is another area to be considered. And again, it's not back. You can't vote for it. Yeah.
But the number of special features on the Heat, there's two discs, there's 11 deleted scenes. There are new making of documentaries on this.
Commentary track? Commentary track, yes, by Michael Mann.
That's not streaming anywhere either. We do take those into consideration very often because unless you're like watching something on Amazon, that's really the only way that you get to have, you have to watch it with their X-ray thing. And even then, it's not the same as like a commentary. I'm baffled by the way that the streaming- I'm just saying- Not taking advantage of the ease of extras that physical format had, because you would think with branching and clicking, you'd be able to- It's so easy.
You just put it into extras. Just put it into extras in the thing. It's right there. I'm just gonna say in the way that there's the uninformed voter that really decides who they're voting for the night before, I'm not looking at no extras.
Maybe most people aren't. Most people aren't.
It's the whole movie. Yeah, it's the whole movie.
And he talks about it. You're telling me if there were- Is there like a double meaning to when cop shoots at other cop? You mean that the commentary would be like, it actually means this? Yeah, I know. What is the audience missing on the commentary track?
If there were 11 deleted scenes of Batman getting whipped by Catwoman, you wouldn't be curious? Yeah, but I wouldn't, I don't know. I'm just not like, there's a reason why they didn't include it.
They were too intense. The studio exec said, we can't release these. It wouldn't make the PG-13.
But you're making the case for heat. Yeah, no, for the format. For the format. Because I've already moved heat out of contention. But I do think that is something to consider in the store.
That was a big thing about, man, the 2000s and the DVD era. And when they would say, ooh, it's a five disc set featuring multiple cuts of the movie and 100 hours of bonus features. Multiple commentaries. Remember when they were doing multiple commentaries? Would it be like, one's with the actors, and then you got one with the writer and the director?
Yes, the best. You don't need, we don't need all that. I do, I need it.
You're here being like, what losers did I sign up to be on the show? No, I didn't think that. I was like, no, no, no, no. So is it, are we gonna make it official? We gonna?
I'm so sorry to these movies, but police story it is. Jackie triumphs. It does say action on the spine, which is important. Hey, David Kerr from the New York Daily News says, there is no greater action performer alive.
You already won, dog, stop. Yeah, what are you doing? Now you're just rubbing it in. Packed with wall-to-wall action, it's a wild over-the-top fun that you won't wanna miss. There's a fight?
This is it, fuck off. So now I'm gonna see if I can get a drama. So I'll put Chinese connection back and I'll argue for, you know I'll argue for fucking Muppet caper being a drama. |
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Until next time, I'm Grant O'Brien, which is Irish for Grant of Bryan.
What's on the teleprompter before they read it? Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Good evening and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Jillian Goldensocks. And I'm Bethany Trash.
A new climbing gym has opened here in town and the city's soft, weak hipsters are cheering. Climbing gyms are all the rage in neighborhoods that have a sweet green. They answer the question, what if CrossFit was somehow more unsafe and more douchey? Members at downtown boulders can climb walls up to 25 feet tall instead of going outside ever. Why would anyone climb free, real rocks, when they could climb wooden ones for $175 a month? Make no mistake, climbing is bad exercise.
It works like three muscles and it moves really slowly. That guy from that movie Free Solo, Alex Honnold, I bet most people could kick his...
Downtown boulders is a part of the mayor's new Riverwalk initiative, which brings new businesses to the ugly river of our lane city. You see the same thing in other second-rate towns like Cincinnati, Austin, and San Diego. The Riverwalk will have a buka de beppo to stink up the whole place with garlic and a dueling piano bar called the Big Bang for anyone who loves Billy Joel music but wishes he told more jokes.
There will also be Giggles, an improv comedy theater. For anyone who hasn't seen live improv, it's a must. It's a whole show of nervous 30-year-olds trying desperately to out-joke each other, and everyone is so, so doughy. You know, I used to do comedy.
Oh yeah? Tell me a joke. Well, have you ever seen the one about a banana that goes outside into a green, green, green, green field? Have I seen that joke? It's a video. Oh. Have you seen it? No. It's really funny. Yeah. Sounds funny.
We now go to Mavis Martin, who met with the winner of the Finn Wolfhardic Elementary School Science Fair. Thanks, Bethany. I had quite a morning talking to these little geniuses. Oh, bet, Mavis. Who won?
It was a little boy named Michael Doonesbury. He designed an experiment with a potato gun about gravity. I don't remember much about it because I was distracted.
He's one of those little boys who you just know is going to be gay. It was adorable. You know the type. He's eight, and I thought he was going to dislocate a hit from swishing so hard. Cute! He kept doing that thing where he delicately pulls his bangs over the side with his ring finger. He was kind of doing duck face the whole time. Terrific.
Did you meet any other children? Well, I met his friends. They were, of course, all girls.
Naturally. I feel bad for them because they're all going to be in love with him until he comes out. Oh, yes. They like that he's non-threatening, and they don't know why. Exactly. Big BTS posters on all of their walls. I just know it.
They'll all be on the lighting crew of the high school play together.
Mavis, did he ever explain how gravity works? Not really. Honestly, I don't know how it works. Do you? No, I don't. Bethany, do you know how gravity works? I know the basics, but the specifics elude me.
Me too. We're going to go to reporter Suzanne Pershing for information on a manhunt underway downtown. Suzanne, are you with us? I am, Jillian. Suzanne, rather than tell us about the manhunt, can you explain in detail how gravity works? Certainly.
So gravity is a force that operates at negative 9.8 meters per second squared, and it is what keeps us grounded into the earth. It is basically a mysterious kind of thick mist that we all walk through every day and kind of gradually as we age, it tapes us further, further down into the earth. So the older you are, the less likely you are to fly away.
Oh. Well, that's interesting. Say more about that. Oh, and I will. So you know how I mentioned it's like a thick mist? Scratch that. It's like the biggest blanket you've ever seen. Picture a blanket, now double it. That's what I'm talking about.
So thick you can barely move through it. Imagine walking through a big bowl of fudge. You can barely move, right?
That's what gravity is doing to you. The only people who say they've really experienced what it's like to feel free have been in outer space and usually died. Is acceleration connected to or independent of gravity?
Hmm. What a wonderful question. I think it's independent of gravity, but if I know, you know what I mean? Oh, wow. If I had to guess, I would say that an acceleration is sort of like when you're traveling through that same blanket or fudge that we were talking about really fast. So that would be the difference. Traveling really fast versus traveling really slow. Why is that? Well, you see the fox. You see, wow, you're curious today. You see, when acceleration... The kid didn't answer me, so we'll need to hear from you. Oh, interesting. Okay. So I do remember from whatever I'm reporting on, which is a crime, right? That acceleration is what? Velocity over time or something? And that's what's interesting about it because other than that, no one really knows, aside from my fudge analogy and that little thing. That all sounds right to me. Oh, good.
That's all for us, but before we go, this week's loser is Mary Holland. What a schmuck.
Hey, thanks for watching. Thanks for watching.
Just giving up. |
cracked | assassin_s_creed_syndicate_cracked_responds | Uh, so, guys, there's this new Assassin's Creed game trailer for it. Hotly anticipated. Hotly.
Yes. Okay, I don't... Finally. Yeah.
Explain this game to me. That's a real endeavor, let me tell you. I do have to do stuff later this week, so...
That's a guy with a knife. He's got a knife.
That's alright. That's a beginning. Follow. That's a train, and then a logo. Right. I'm all caught up right now. So far, so good.
London is a city in England. Oh. And that's a time when London was a city. It's a bloody marvelous time to be alive. Did he just say that 1868 London was a great time to be alive?
Because I disagree with that. It was a time when we all had cholera. An age of invention. Two out of ten of us could read.
So many clever blokes dreaming up impossible machines. Everything literally smelled like shit. As you can see, it's full of blokes. Inventing things and apparently making more money than the Queen. But none of those shillings ever makes it into the pockets of the poor devils whose blood is spilled building this glorious empire.
Or what's going on? So this gentleman is clearly our assassin because he's dressed in what appears to be steampunk chain mail and nobody else can tell that? Sure. He doesn't stand out at all. Let's wake them up then, shall we? There's that knife again. There's the exact same shot again. And now that we have... There's the exact same train again. What's going on? But now we appreciate the context of it, right? I think you need context to know what a knife is.
So as you can tell, he does a lot of things in broad daylight. Yes. He does a lot... Basically everything he ever does covertly is him in broad daylight ziplining up a building. They're having a lot of fight clubs behind the scenes in piers.
So you're not supposed to be seen in this game? Most ninjas operate in secrecy. He does not. If you are an assassin, you wear a very distinctive, very obvious hood all of the time.
If London was like this in the 1860s, they never would have built the bus system or the underground. Because there's just so many convenient ziplines and super heavy. I do want to see him going places and then there's like 10 tired guys with briefcases going to work on the same zipline.
And then apparently they can't tell the difference between him and a hood and him and a hat. So they think it's two different people. Those were the same guy.
So I heard there's aliens in this series of games, but where are the aliens? There is a heavy component of aliens and Knight's Templar. One of the two organizations, the Assassins or the Templars, will know something about an alien and by the end you will know that thing too. It's basically if you took every weird conspiracy theory on the internet and turned lizard men into aliens and then made it the back story of a video game. Like if you really thought Stargate was a great story and needed to be encoded in 10 different video games, then this would be the one that takes place in London of that.
Oh, okay. I didn't think that. But maybe now I do. But I only know that there are aliens because of other things.
If I only saw this trailer, I would have no idea. And then Wrinkle that's not shown in the trailer, apparently you can play as that guy's twin sister. So there is like a female protagonist, but it's all from the trailer. You would have no idea. The trailer, you wouldn't know, apparently, you can be a lady assassin in this game.
They decided that wouldn't sell Assassin's Creed's. I'm saying it's not in the trailer.
Right. No, but I want you to draw your own conclusion. Why would they do that unless they wanted people to know about it? Like why would you hide that information? That's a significant choice. Draw your own conclusion.
Hey, thanks for watching. You seem fun.
Give us ideas for new Assassin's Creed games in the comments. Yeah, when and where do you want to see a game next?
Logic is no obstacle. Money is no obstacle. Clearly. The historical timeline is no obstacle.
Long as a dude in a hood can shoot people with his wrists, we're in. It's a pretty good chance they'll just take your idea. They're clearly out of them. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Captain_America_Civil_War | Wanda just like we practiced what about the gas get it out? This is Peter Rosenthal head film critic for the onion today I'll be discussing Captain America Civil War the latest action-packed entry in the Marvel Cinematic Universe Which is unfortunately? Extremely difficult to follow given that only a handful of the characters have starred in previous feature-length films laying out their origin Stories in fact there are literally dozens of supporting characters and even more Extras who have not been the subject of their own standalone movie or TV tie-in from Marvel leaving viewers Completely in the dark as to what the hell this movie is supposed to be about Drawing together Iron Man Captain America Spider-man Ant-man and Winter Soldier in a climactic battle Civil War certainly features some characters that will be familiar to moviegoers yet How am I supposed to understand what's going on when nearly every scene features peripheral characters without their own individual? Franchises to flesh out their motivations and backstories just look at this mysterious extra in the black hat and leather jacket eating something I don't know about his past or what side he's supposed to be on does he have a longtime nemesis Does he stand with or against Captain America at the very least? Devote a three-episode arc on agents of shield to him so that viewers have some kind of context in scene after scene I found myself throwing my hands up and utter confusion at what was supposed to be happening Who are all these goddamn people? Of course there are moments in Civil War that hold together if only briefly for instance Here's Captain America. You know who he is from the past Captain America movies and Avengers films But now look who is this SWAT officer that Captain America drop kicks off the top of a truck seriously Who the hell is he just one feature film depicting his childhood could capture? What makes him tick or how his struggles growing up led to his decision to join the police force and eventually? Climb up on a vehicle to oppose Captain America without knowing that origin It's impossible to watch this movie. There have only been 12 previous movies released leading up to Civil War That's a mere 1,500 minutes of origin stories and it's baffling to me How Marvel could fail to see that this would be grossly inadequate for laying out the background of even the major characters in this film By my estimation Marvel should have released a bare minimum of 25,000 origin films to properly introduce audiences to the full cast of characters in Civil War and While they may have dropped the ball this time One can only hope that their production team is already hard at work Ensuring each and every one of these movies is out in theaters before the release of Avengers infinity war in 2018 for the onions film standard I'm Peter Rosenthal |
dropout | bleep_bloop_nerf_n_strike | Welcome to Bleep Bloop, I'm Jeff Rubin here with Pat Cassels and Matt McCarthy whose new album Come Clean is on iTunes.
Today we are playing with the Nerf End Strike, a Nerf gun that doubles as a Wii Remote holder and comes with a Nerf video game, Nerf End Strike Elite. I like this gun though because it means we're one step closer to actually throwing footballs at the TV screen. Oh this is kind of neat when you squeeze the trigger it shoots a dart at the screen. If you lick the end of the controller do they stick better than the game? The whole cell of Nerf was that it's safe because there's no sharp edges. This is absolutely safe as Nerf could get I guess. There's nothing yet, nothing at all. Except for the fact that you're teaching kids deadly accuracy with guns. We've seen how the End Strike works as a Wii controller now we're gonna test its capabilities as a Nerf gun by shooting at our interns.
Alex could you put on the state-of-the-art safety armor and the goggles. Ready? What kind of kid do you have to be?
Like the nicest kid in the world you want to play a gun a shooting game but you don't want to actually do anything violent. The Flanders. Yeah. Play the shooting. We have the Nerf game. This is for the parrots who are like don't cut a little too violent for my little Jimmy.
Alex did you feel any difference between any of the way any of the guns hit you? The End Strike the one we're testing was the second gun. Did that maybe feel like a little harder or something? I would say the End Strike definitely had more of a sting to it.
Check out the Nerf End Strike Elite team. The second one in from the right looks like the kid who is most likely to actually be playing the Nerf End Strike Elite game. Well look they all have specialty. What style of game do you play? Elite Blaster specialist, Demolition specialist, Quickdraw specialist, girl, broad, crying specialist.
Wicked! Here we go. Post one.
How did that sound whizzing by your ear? It's good on top of my hair. Pretty cool. How did you describe the caliber of it if you had to guess based on sort of give a nice cheek of it? It might have done some damage. It feels like a direct hit. But I kind of went over it.
You hear a red reveal and look at the monitors. Red reveal pat means you can pop up this back screen over here by just pressing that little lever. And then it's kind of like Outburst Junior where you can look through the red screen and it'll obscure the red. You can get hidden messages in the game.
It says Nerf. It says be sure to drink your oval tea. Alright, let me try this one. Did I get it? I feel like I've been shouting quite a lot of home darts. I think the game might possibly be for children. Now how about that? That hurt less than this one? It hurt a little bit more. This is the bully childhood I never had. Hey there, check out my new Nerf gun.
Let's go. You go on bikes.
The boss level is your mom comes in and yells at you to clean up all these Nerf darts. What's interesting about this game is that it's sort of the opposite of Wii Fit and that Wii Fit is bringing the physical activity to video games. This is replacing an actual physical activity playing with Nerf guns with a video game. So it's they've successfully counteracted all the good that Wii Fit has done. This is brilliant by the Nerf people. It just makes you want to play with actual Nerf stuff. Right, it's so boring.
I'm telling you Jeff, don't shoot that kid. Matt, have you lost your fucking mind? He was the only one I wasn't a hundred percent about. If you shoot that man, you die next. I repeat, if you shoot that man, you die next. Matthew, stop putting that gun at my co-hosts! |
dropout | every_youtube_video_ever | Hey guys, it's me 28 year old guy with a haircut that makes him look like a 15 year old boy Or a girl in a low-cut shirt.
Thank you so much for clicking on the thumbnail of me screaming in front of a neon background Thanks for clicking my tits I've got a lot of celebrity internet video games gender stereotypes to talk to you guys about in jump cuts That's sir and no actual And smash cuts to weird pictures with popular songs over them I'm coming at you Physicality to compensate for the complete lack of jokes and observations It's like an arid version of that omg so Rambo humor you'd find on the Disney Channel Hi, this is my cup let's break down my original comedy sketches Obvious joke minus unique perspective plus shitty costume plus screaming equals 10 billion views on all my videos Oh Despite churning out garbage on a weekly basis I'm still a snarky little shit who has the gall to insult other people.
Did you see what Miley did this week?
Sorry, but it's not working for you That's it for today guys if you like this video, please rate and subscribe if you didn't I'll dismiss You as a hater and surround myself with idiots who praise everything I do because once you turn 16 and are Smart enough to stop watching my videos someone else turns 12 and wants to hear me scream about Justin Bieber It's like a Sand factory again.
Thanks for watching I Know it's ironic at the end of this video, but please rate and subscribe.
I will literally I will do Anything I will I will dress up like anything.
I will do any amount of vlogs to get more views please Please subscribe |
cracked | the_empire_are_just_rebels_who_have_their_sh_t_together_galactic_war_room | Sir, the shipment of medicine is late. We believe it had to reroute to avoid authority forces twice. Any food yet? One shipment was destroyed by the authority. One ran out of fuel last week. And now? The most recent fuel shipment's been rerouted, sir.
For any of these applications to join the authority? They're death certificates for the crew of one of the food shipments. Should I get an application?
No. That was a joke. Jokes that got said quickly.
We spend so much time, so many lives, avoiding authority forces. All they do is look for us and get shipments in on time, I bet. Say what you will about them. They're evil. Objectively, they get things done. They have good, efficient systems in place. You know, we could take a lesson or two from them. Does anybody know anyone in the authority?
My niece is interning there. See? Internships. We should get interns.
They don't get paid. None of us get paid. We're a rebel uprising.
You know what I mean. Wait, the authority pays? Great. They have an amazing benefits package. You know, Lieutenant, just throwing it out there. If you want to join the authority, I can make it happen. I don't want to join the authority. How, though? Well, I know five people who can get us authority IDs. And I'm one of them. So if you call one of the... R-R-U would do it. Great.
Nobody's doing it. We can't sneak our entire uprising into their ranks. Yeah, it'd be easier to just surrender and hope they promote from within. All they really want is for us to stop uprising anyway. Doesn't matter.
They've been so focused on controlling the galaxy and building doom bases. They're running out of money, and the doom base market is heading for collapse. Before this coma, my father, the king, said that soon the galaxy will be full of empty-purpose doom bases. So the sooner the war is over, the sooner we all live peacefully in a doom base for free?
If you wanted. I can focus on my music. What kind of stuff do you expect? Whatever it is.
No! We're not surrendering. We are not joining the authority. Hey, you're the one that brought it up. You seem to like how they run things. But I don't like how they control things. So you don't want me to get you an authority application, sir? No.
Start an internship program, though. What else do we track? Paid time off. Right? Keep going. What did they do that we could do?
Propaganda. Propaganda? Yes. I see their propaganda everywhere.
That can help us get interns.
What else? All of it or not. Uniforms. Right. What else?
Doom bases. Yes. Thank you. They have a lot of doom bases. Finally someone agrees with me. This is good stuff. Are you getting this? Yes, sir. It's going to cost us quite a bit. Doom bases alone.
If it helps, I will donate the rest of my father, the king's fortune. 70% of all the money in the galaxy. What do you mean if it helps? What do you mean what do I mean? In what situation would 70% of the galaxy's wealth not be helpful?
A metaphorical one. Sure. See? I said sure.
Great meeting. Thank you, Officer Binney. Report. All shipments on time, sir. Great.
The authority can suck my doom base. Ayla, how are we coming on that doom base? It's still going to take years.
Oh. Yeah. And also the workers are talking about uprising. Oh? Yeah. They don't like the new rules or systems or uniforms. Kind of ironic because you said... Yeah. I get it. Thank you. |
dropout | adam_conover_of_adam_ruins_everything_q_a_live | Hello, everybody Adam here. I just playing some Game Boy in our Office at where we're making and it ruins everything season two Which is we just started writing it on Monday, it's coming out gonna be coming out next year around June I think we still got a couple more episodes from our first year airing Tuesdays at 2 p.m. Tuesdays at 10 p.m. I'm sure TV. There's a new one of the next three up next three weeks There's gonna be brand new episodes, but I'm here on YouTube mobile live which is a new platform It's hey, you know how YouTube normally was stuff that happened in the past on this one It's happening right now and it's also mobile which means it's could be anywhere where it could be It's portable, but we're still in the office Just cuz that's where I am and I'm not as portable as YouTube mobile live is so they came to me which is nice That's why it's good. We're gonna answer questions So you can write questions in the comments. I think can they tweet them They can tweet you or can they tweet you At college humor you can read that at college humor if you want or write them in the comments I guess and so I'll answer some questions and if you guys don't ask questions fast enough I'll go back to playing Pokemon silver on my game boy color from 1998.
So yeah, what's it? We got a question here Where do you buy your clothes? From and tattoos. Is that part of the question? What do I buy clothes and tattoos?
I have no tattoos I can't commit to anything. I've never wanted to have a tattoo I don't and tattoos scare me when I see some of the tattoo. I'm like, wow, they're too tough for me I don't want to mess with them. It's like a little I find all tattoos intimidating even like just a nice heart I'm like, wow, this person's are they in a biker gang?
I'm too nice of a boy So where do I buy my clothes? I buy them Well on the show it's all wardrobe And so, you know, I picked up out with my incredible wardrobe designer Alicia Silverstein. We have we've got a real rapport She's like do you like this jacket? I'm like, yes, you know me so well And a couple different brands I mean that I'm not they're not promoting us or anything But I'll say what they are in in the hopes that they see this and maybe they give us some some free jackets would be nice So I buy my jackets and pants off from from suit supply by a lot of pants for suit supply nice Awesome tailored men's jackets. I buy pants from bonobos the online store bonobos You know that like the ape the apes that have sex Have you heard about those the bonobos they have sex like humans do and also they make pants for a company called bonobos calm And I buy a lot of shirts from Steven Allen. This is a Steven Allen shirt and a bonobos pant And yeah, that's pretty that's pretty much the answer, you know But you can also also if you want to learn dress yourself better as a man I really recommend the website put this on which is a blog about men's clothes run by Jesse Thorne runs maximum fun Which is the podcast network that the Adam ruins everything podcast is on you can find that at maximum fun Ork, so just bringing it back there, but that's that that's a really great men's style site where it helped me learn to dress myself What else we got?
Can I ruin Adam ruins everything? Not particularly I mean We you know, we have been do we have talked about doing a Corrections episode in the future where you know, we talked about stuff that you know Maybe we you know new studies have come out since we did the episode or where where you know We found out new information where maybe we you don't want to adjust our claims a little bit We've talked about doing that but other than that, this is a very boring question, man. Can I ruin Adam ruins everything? Get me more specific. What do you mean by ruin? So, you know, I mean, I guess we would argue I do ruin it but Probably not because the show's reasonably successful. So if I was ruining it, it wouldn't be doing well What else we got another question?
How did how did I get my hair so fabulous? Look, it was a process You know, it used to be my hair is very flat in real life. You know, it's it's very floppy I used to do I have a lot of bad hairstyles These are where my hair very short which was not to its natural advantage because I have a big head And then finally a friend of mine was like you can't keep getting your hair cut So short man because it emphasizes how big your head is which is a problem My girlfriend as I was dating her date a wonderful woman named Lisa Hannah Walton. She told me After a while she was like she's like you go here a little longer she grow a little longer and she was right and it looks better when I grow longer and then I went to a Place called folklore salon in in Los Angeles And my barber is named pony and he does an incredible job of giving me He sort of created this hairstyle and then I got a look on this on the set though.
It's all it's all special effects This is obviously this is what I can do by myself put a little gel and and and hairspray or you know A little blow dryer. I mean, but she spends for the show itself. She spends I kid you not half an hour Building that thing up. It's like I don't know if you guys remember those old like for the Star Trek TV shows Are there to show you how long it would take Michael Dorn to put on the wharf makeup? You know, he has to get to set at 4 a.m. So they can start putting it on That's what it's like to me with this hair But a smaller scale What it was that what it was what else we got?
Have you ever ruined something you personally liked? Yeah Yeah, I mean absolutely what we did one that was about why you don't need to take a shower every day And I love taking a shower every day I was one of those people like I still We talk about it on the show that you know, we have these these companies give us these feelings, you know Like I don't feel clean unless I do it, right? I feel that way about showers if I don't take a shower every day I feel like a swamp monster like I feel like I'm covered Like my whole I literally feel this way like my like my body is covered in a thin film That I can't that that other people can see and that I can feel then until I take a shower It won't come off, you know, I've took a shower first thing in the morning or I'm very unhappy I feel like I like don't want to go out And I know you don't you take a shower every day You don't need to shower that often, but I do it anyway Because and that's the thing not everything on the show, you know, you can't you can't try to live your life by what our show Does you try to learn more about why we do the things that we do? But it's too much to ask people that you know change their lifestyle in every single respect.
So what else we got? No more questions, oh Yeah, we're gonna get a question. Yeah, Adam.
Where did you get your start in comedy? I went to I Got my start. I was in a sketch comedy group called old English, which is a sketch group We met at Bard College, which is the college we all went to an incredible place that it really changed my life Too expensive. Honestly higher education America is too expensive We're talking about doing an episode about that But it was an incredible school that really gave you sort of freedom to To learn and create and grow in whatever way you wanted to and we created a sketch group Me and a bunch of friends from from my college and we worked together from about 2002 to 2008 about Making comedy together and we got sort of our start on you know, the internet early early days We're like an early video sketch comedy group that had some like a viral like pre YouTube viral success Like people guard you our videos ago viral But people like Twitter didn't exist Facebook didn't exist people were like sending I just emailing the videos to each other Can you imagine that can you imagine emailing videos? I can't That's so that's where I got started and then you know We did that for a number of years and I started doing stand-up I did improv or and taught sketch comedy at the Upper instance Brigade Theatre and then eventually landed a dream job at College Humor, which is You know incredible place to make comedy really you can you have such freedom there as a as a writer. It was really amazing.
So Yeah, and that led to doing this show next question magic screen How long does it take to fact-check? That's a really good question. Thank you for asking that because we do fact-check the show It's an ongoing process every one of our scripts has a writer on it like you would normally have a comedy writer and it also has a Researcher slash fact checker from our research department. These are journalists or You know Actually, they're mostly journalists Journalists and other smart people, you know people with with backgrounds and that kind of work science journalism stuff like that and they create research Materials for the writer to look at for me to look at they're involved in the whole writing process and they they check as we go And make sure everything that we say is well established Then when we've written a script they go through and they fact-check every line of it every time we change it And how long does it take?
It's hard to say we've we've We've gotten better at it as we've gone along and we've spent more time doing it Because we've sort of staffed up and added more people because we realize how important that is to the show So, you know, that's not to say that we'll never get anything wrong on the show We actually had a very silly error on one of our little we've been doing these little interstitial promos on new episodes called Ever wonder wise these little animations and those we made a little bit quicker than the rest of the show So we had a pretty dumb dumb error in one of them recently where we said that the Empire State Building was 12,000 feet tall It's 1,200 feet tall 12,000 feet tall would make it ten times taller than any building on earth I'm not sure there's anything on earth. That's 12,000 feet tall Like Mount Everest how tall is my Everest? Let me know in the comments Um, so anyway, that was just like a little one that slipped through right?
But you know that goes to show like the point isn't that we get everything exactly exactly right the point is that we do this process of you know curiosity and Intellectual honesty and investigation and we do that we try to uncover the truth the truth as best we can and if we get something wrong We try to figure out what it was and and own up to it because that's how the process of human knowledge works You know if we were worried about ever making a mistake, we would never we would never make any progress But that's why fact-checking is such an important part of what we do. And so you can be sure that you know Just like you would with anything else when you watch our show you you can when we say things that oh they fact check that Now that doesn't mean it's a hundred percent. There's zero chance percent chance that it's true But it means we've done our very best of verifying that it is and here's the other part We publish our sources on the website Adam ruins everything.com slash going green or slash cars or whatever You can see the sources of all of our information So you can fact-check us yourself if you're if you're watching it with your mom and your mom's like I don't believe him Mostly, it's people's moms that do that. I don't believe him.
Your mom's a little bit of a lush in this scenario You got it, but you know what? She's old. She can drink. It's fine. You know what I mean? She's had a long life. Let her have a couple drinks. She made it to 80. You know what?
I mean, why can't she have two glasses of wine now after dinner? Come on lay off of your mom Anyway, so she's like I don't believe them.
You can go on the website Adam ruins everything.com slash restaurants and say no mom when he said that even the experts can't deliver between different wines Here's the study He was referencing it click and you can go look at the original study that yourself and if you found that we got something wrong We misread the study or whatever you can let us know so that way Not only are do we fact-check the work, but we try to be transparent about how we came to our information Because again, that's how the best science and academic type thinking that's how that's how human knowledge moves forward What's up next? Where did you get the idea for the show? Adam ruins everything.
I used to do that The bit the diamond engagement ring bit in my stand-up act I would tell the story of the De Beers diamond corporation and how they created the idea of the engagement ring and I found that when I was just doing it as a joke, you know, but I was like, oh my friends being married got an engagement ring But oh my god, I look this up. Isn't this crazy? I told that story and I had jokes in it and I found that not only do people laugh But when I told that story they would sort of lean forward a little bit and like going is it true Wait, hold on a second. They would come to my next show and they'd be like, well, I look that up. That's crazy Yeah, I'm not gonna get diamond ring.
I was like, oh, that's really we sort of you know, I was like, oh, this is something you know, there's something here so I just did it as a video for College Humor because I was I was a video writer there and You know the the idea For it being me being an irritating host who bothered people with the knowledge came from this is true I would get made fun of a lot in the College Humor writers room for like being very Didactic and like bringing up information like that have been made fun of it for my whole life and the other eyes would make Fun of me so I was worried about them making fun of me in the writers room when we did the read-through So in order to stop them from doing that I wrote them into the script wrote Emily and Murph two of the two of my fellow writers A college humor at the time. I wrote them into the script Being angry that I was like, oh, what are you talking about? This is so irritating your room, you know, you're ruining everything and and that ended up being the comedy engine of the whole thing that that they're in there sort of cutting my you know My my condescension with with self-deprecation, you know And yeah, and then and I at the end the very first video I say join me next time for Adam ruins life's greatest pleasures Which was just a joke. I didn't even intended to be a series It was just like I was labeling what I had done, you know as a joke and We were like we realized oh wait, this could be a series and one we call it Adam ruins everything I think it was Sam Reich big boss man at college humor.
I think I think it might have been his pitch for a title I'm not sure What's next most we have how do we get ideas for things to ruin well, you know, I here's the thing I I'm You know, I'm not like a scientist or anything, you know, I'm not a scholar I'm just a guy who reads a lot of magazines and and listen to podcasts and things like that and So just the ideas came from stuff that I read, you know just from New Yorker or you know You know, I don't know 60 minutes or something like that, you know And and and that's where those ideas came from and and you know, we'd be talking about these big issues in the writers room and and Say oh You know, oh we're talking about restaurants. Oh, I heard this I heard that what we do is we hire writers and researchers who also have A real broad base of knowledge and can sort of pitch, you know other stuff that they've heard throughout their life, you know other You know other facts that Came to them. So like we can't really go out and search for them that much. It's more like oh, I remember this I heard that I saw this article. I saw this interview, etc So we sort of try to gather them from things that we've seen before but really at this point we've done, you know, 30 No, we've done 26 episodes so far we're doing another 16 this coming year. It would be Impossible for me to know all the ship by myself, you know, so for me to like have all these things that I individually know So that's why we we you know get all these really really intelligent people who can who can help contribute ideas and at the end of the day everything that we do is something that I really believe in and I understand myself and I've come to believe and and You know, like I really you know, I'm not just the mouthpiece for other writers. It's I'm taking an active role in in You know what the material is because at the end of the day, it's coming out of this kisser right here this guy So, you know, it's it's all it's all it's you know, Adam Conover takes the heat takes the acclaim in the heat I'm the one of the hot seats. Yeah, so Yeah, so I you know, everything goes to that filter but you know, it's really really a team effort.
I mean we have 14 people on our creative staff this year making this show which is really cool. What's up next? We got another one here Favorite episode so far. Oh my god. Um, you know, I say I got a couple favorites Um, I love the death episode from our first year I would call it the first year season finale except our first season was two years long because of a take a little a little network a little network trick Little tomfoolery, so that's why we're doing season two, but it's gonna be our third year. They do it to a lot of shows nowadays but People ask about that so I like to clarify it when I can but so it was the it was the you know end of our first last episode of our first year's the death episode and I Really love that one because I think a lot of people reached out to me and said oh that that helped me Come to terms with the idea that I'm gonna die one day that helped me come to terms with you know I loved one's death, etc Made me feel better about that And so that really meant a lot to me that that we could have we get to help people in that way And that we do that for folks. I I really love you know, the internet one that aired last night. I'm really proud of that one I just think it's like really moves really well and it's fast It's got a lot of good visuals and it's funny and DC Pearson is so funny in it as as Mitchell the guy I'm talking to and Yeah, I mean I'm a fan of So so many of them. Yeah, but yeah, those are those are two that jump out to me right now is like I think it's sort of the best version of the show, you know What's next?
What would be the most controversial topic Topic you've covered the one we've the most controversial topic we've covered so far. Um, I Mean we did we did an immigration episode this year, which was you know We're not a political show, but we wanted to talk about an issue that was important to the election because it was an election year this year And so that was one that you know Definitely had some heat there Controversial in that sense. I I guess I would call it You know, we like to do episodes that You know We don't want our show to be one that only people of one political party can watch and enjoy because I kind of think I honestly think that political parties are very artificial way to divide people up and not a very productive one and and You know at the end of the day, you know We're all people who are curious and interested and empathetic towards each other and that's the way I would like to address people My hope was that that would be an episode that people of all political persuasions could watch and enjoy And learn something from and come away thinking about the issue differently from And I hope that we did that, you know at the same time because it was such a heated issue We got a lot of people from various sides of the saying. Oh, you didn't say you didn't agree with me about this I'm so pissed to you. I'm never watching your show ever again, cuz I disagree with you We got a lot of that because it was a political issue or not as many people did that about restaurants, you know I don't They didn't that people do that more because it was a political issue, right?
Here's what I'd have to say to that though Is that um, I don't ask that everyone who watches the show agree with me on everything I don't think it's realistic to expect that they would and I don't think it's good to watch a show in which you agree With the host about everything because then what are you doing? You're just watching a show that's a mirror of what you already think in what way are you growing or changing if that's the kind Of show that you watch. So I hope that the show challenges people and that they You know experience a new point of view from it And if you leave the show thinking, you know what? I don't agree with him about that one I love the show but or I or whatever. I don't care if you love the show or not But if you leave the show going, I don't agree with him about that.
He didn't convince me I don't agree. I'm unconvinced. I had to get a bad argument.
That's fine. I am totally fine with that I hope you have that experience I expect you to have experience at least once what I would like to point out is I hope that you are able to Continue to watch the show even though you disagree with it Right because I think it is good to be exposed to opinions and points of view that we don't that you don't agree with I think that's I think that's very beneficial. I think it's better. I read a good quote I don't know where it's from. I'm sorry to the person who wrote this initially But that when you read something or you watch an argument, you shouldn't watch it Trying to think do I agree with this or not? Let me take it down. Is this right or not? Yes or no, right? Just read it with an or watch it in our case of our show with an open mind as to what the argument is Try to follow the train of logic and then when you get to the end you can say, okay well regardless of whether or not agree with it, I now Understand that this is a point of view that is internally consistent, right? That where I now know that there is a person in the world who feels this way and they have made a cogent argument for it That's sort of the first thing that you know, right by reading it You've been exposed to someone else's point of view and whether or not you agree with it that is beneficial right and so I hope that people are able to watch our show in that spirit and You know, I hope that we do more and more topics that people have strong opinions about The more that we're able to sort of like get that idea across that like hey, you don't have to agree with about it I agree with us about everything.
What's the next thing? Is there anything you ever wish you haven't ruined anything you wished you haven't wished you haven't you messed up your tenses here Should be is there anything you wish you hadn't ruined? Is there anything you anything that you wish? Present tense you hadn't right sort of past blue perfect. I think or something like that past perfect. Haven't ruined Is there anything you wished?
That yeah, that's I don't think this works at all And honestly what I wish I hadn't ruined is this sentence is very rude of me to take it apart like that And you just have to ask a nice question Mitch lemon 86 Mitch lemon What a what a is that if that's your real name You got a hard life and I feel bad for giving you a hard time over the sentence Mitch lemon. Oh, there you go Mitch lemon coming down the street people are making fun of you every day and look 86 You're only 30 years old. You live 30 years of that name.
My god. I'm so sorry.
I feel bad I wished I haven't ruined that quote Alright, I'm getting the wrap it up twirly gig unless you're unless you were saying let's make cotton candy That's the other thing that this could mean could mean wrap it up or could mean let's make some cotton candy Should we do one more? Okay, we'll do one more. What's one one more question? One more question right here What's gonna be?
Mount Everest is 29,000 Mount Everest is 29,000 feet tall okay, so so our Empire State Building was ten times taller than the real one and Mount Everest is twice as tall as that or Almost three times as tall incredible.
Well Well, we were still very wrong Have you affected any of your personal relationships from ruin thing ruining things?
Um, no, I don't know. I don't think so.
I mean people let look people people No one's gotten so mad at me I mean it in the past when I was younger, you know The atom you see on the show is sort of a version of my younger self, right where I couldn't Resist from interrupting people in the in the middle of them doing something fun, you know, or or from you know I didn't know when it was appropriate to say those things and when it wasn't and so I would embarrass myself and I would irritate other people It wasn't just because I ruined things. They didn't want to hear about it But it was just because I was generally that socially Awkward and so that definitely hurt my personal relationships. If you mean in terms of me doing something on the show No, not at all. I mean, no one's been so mad at me that they've been like Adam your show You're not my friend anymore, you know There've been a couple times that people you know You know One one old friend of mine had a family that worked in the funeral industry and they were a little worried that I was personally mad at them about Practices in the funeral industry. I'd be like, no, I'm not I I don't want you know, it's never a it's never a personal issue like that You know, but but in general look, I mean people people like to learn, you know The joke of the show is that oh, I'm ruining things.
That's tough. I'm making a bad, you know I'm I'm messing everything up.
But but in reality people people really like to learn they like the information and that's why people Thankfully watch the show. I thank all of you guys for watching it and and I'm You know, it's the honor of my life to do it. I couldn't be more thrilled that people people enjoy it. So Thanks for watching.
Thanks for watching me right here Hey, follow me on Twitter at Adam Conover if you want to see me live stream more stuff I stream video games on twitch at twitch TV slash Adam Conover look it'll go right here. No, it won't because this is live. We're not adding anything in post So we're not gonna add the title but here it is twitch TV slash Adam Conover You can go subscribe to me there if you want to watch me play Final Fantasy 15 in a little bit And otherwise, thanks so much for watching and check out Adam ruins everything every Tuesday at 10 p.m. On true TV.
Thanks guys Really we sort of you know, I was like, oh, this is something, you know, there's something here so I just did it as a video for College Humor because I was I was a video writer there and You know the idea For it being me being an irritating host who bothered people with the knowledge came from this is true I would get made fun of a lot in the College Humor writers room for like being very didactic and like bringing up information like that I've been made fun of it for my whole life and the other writers would make fun of me So I was worried about them making fun of me in the writers room when we did the read-through So in order to stop them from doing that I wrote them into the script wrote Emily and Murph to of the to my fellow Writers at College Humor at the time. I wrote them into the script Being angry that I was like, oh, what are you talking about? This is so irritating your root, you know, you're ruining everything And and that ended up being the comedy engine of the whole thing that that they're in there sort of cutting my you know My my condescension with with self-deprecation, you know And yeah, and then and at the end the very first video I say join me next time for Adam ruins life's greatest pleasures Which was just a joke. I didn't even intend it to be a series It was just like I was labeling what I had done, you know as a joke and We were like we realized oh wait, this could be a series and one we call it Adam ruins everything I think it was Sam Reich big boss man at College Humor.
I think I think it might have been his pitch for a title I'm not sure What's next? What else we got? How do we get ideas for things to ruin?
Well, you know, I Here's the thing. I I'm You know, I'm not like a scientist or anything, you know, I'm not a scholar I'm just a guy who reads a lot of magazines and listen to podcasts and things like that and So just the ideas came from stuff that I read, you know, just from New Yorker or you know You know, I don't know 60 Minutes or something like that, you know and and and that's where those ideas came from and and you know, we'd be talking about these big issues in the writers room and and Say oh did you know? Oh, we're talking about restaurants. Oh, I heard this. I heard that What we do is we hire writers and researchers who also have a real broad base of knowledge and can sort of pitch You know other stuff that they've heard throughout their life, you know other You know other facts that came to them. So like we can't really go out and search for them that much It's more like oh, I remember this. I heard that I saw this article.
I saw this interview, etc So we sort of try to gather them from things that we've seen before but really at this point we've done, you know 30 No, we've done 26 episodes so far. We're doing another 16 this coming year. It would be Impossible for me to know all the ship by myself, you know So for me to like have all these things that I individually know So that's why we we you know get all these really really intelligent people who can who can help contribute ideas and at the end of the day everything that we do is something that I really believe in and I understand myself and I've come to believe and and You know, like I really you know, I'm not just the mouthpiece for other writers it's I'm taking an active role and in You know what the material is because at the end of the day, it's coming out of this kisser right here this guy So, you know, it's it's all it's all it's you know, Adam Conover takes the heat takes the acclaim in the heat I'm the one of the hot seats. Yeah, so Yeah, so I you know everything goes to that filter, but you know, it's really really a team effort. I mean we have um 14 people on our creative staff this year making this show which is really cool.
What's up next? We got another one here Favorite episode so far. Oh my god. Um, you know, I say I got a couple favorites Um, I love the death episode from our first year I would call the first year season finale except our first season was two years long because of a like a little a little network little network trick Little tomfoolery, so that's why we're doing season two, but it's gonna be our third year. They do it to a lot of shows nowadays but People ask about that so I like to clarify it when I can but so it was the it was the you know end of our first last episode of our first year is the death episode and I Really love that one because I think a lot of people reached out to me and said oh that that helped me Come to terms with the idea that I'm gonna die one day that helped me come terms with you know I loved one's death, etc Made me feel better about that And so that really meant a lot to me that that we could have we get to help people in that way And that way you do that for folks. Um, I Really love you know, the internet one that aired last night. I'm really proud of that one I just think it's like really moves really well and it's fast It's got a lot of good visuals and it's funny and DC Pearson is so funny in it as as Mitchell the guy I'm talking to and Yeah, I mean I'm a fan of So so many of them But yeah, those are those are two that jump out to me right now is like I think it's sort of the best version of The show, you know What's next? We'll see What would be the most controversial topic Topic you've covered the one we've the most controversial topic we've covered so far. Um, I Mean we did it. We did an immigration episode this year, which was you know We're not a political show But we wanted to talk about an issue that was important to the election because it was an election year this year And so that was one that you know Definitely had some heat there Controversial in that sense.
I I guess I would call it You know, we like to do episodes that you know, we don't want our show to be one that only people of one political party can watch and enjoy because I kind of think I honestly think that political parties are very artificial way to divide people up and not a very productive one and and You know at the end of the day, you know We're all people who are curious and interested and empathetic towards each other and that's the way I would like to address people My hope was that that would be an episode that people of all political persuasions could watch and enjoy The show agree with me on everything I don't think it's realistic to expect that they would and I don't think it's good to watch a show in Which you agree with the host about everything because then what are you doing? You're just watching a show that's a mirror of what you already think in what way are you growing or changing if that's the kind of show that you watch so I hope that the show challenges people and that they You know experience a new point of view from it And if you leave the show thinking, you know, what I don't agree with him about that one I love the show but or I or whatever. I don't care if you love the show or not But if you leave the show going I don't agree with him about that.
He didn't convince me I don't agree. I'm uncomment. I think he had a bad argument.
That's fine. I am totally fine with that I hope you have that experience I expect you to have experience at least once what I would like to point out is I hope that you are able to Continue to watch the show even though you disagree with it Right because I think it is good to be exposed to opinions and points of view that we don't that you don't agree with I think that's I think that's very beneficial. I think it's better. I read a good quote I don't know where it's from I'm sorry to the person who wrote this initially But that when you read something or you watch an argument, you shouldn't watch it Trying to think do I agree with this or not? Let me take it down. Is this right or not? Yes, or no, right?
Just read it with an or watch it in our case of our show with an open mind as to what the argument is try to follow The train of logic and then when you get to the end you can say okay Well regardless of whether or not agree with it I now understand that this is a point of view that is internally consistent Right that where I now know that there is a person in the world who feels this way And they have made a cogent argument for it. That's sort of the first thing that you know, right by reading it You've been exposed to someone else's point of view and whether or not you agree with it That is beneficial And so I hope that people are able to watch our show in that spirit, you know at the same time because it was such A heated issue. We got a lot of people from various sides of the saying Oh, you didn't say you didn't agree with me about this. I'm so pissed of you I'm never watching your show ever again, cuz I disagree with you We got a lot of that because it was a political issue or not as many people did that about restaurants, you know They were I don't yeah, they didn't that people do that more because it was a political issue, right? Here's what I'd have to say to that though. Is that um, I Don't ask that everyone who watches the show agree with me on everything I don't think it's realistic to expect that they would and I don't think it's good to watch a show in which you agree With the host about everything because then what are you doing? You're just watching a show that's a mirror of what you already think in what way are you growing or changing if that's the kind of show that you watch so I hope that the show challenges people and that they You know experience a new point of view from it and if you leave the show thinking, you know What I don't agree with him about that one. I love the show but or I or whatever I don't care if you love the show or not But if you leave the show going I don't agree with him about that.
He didn't convince me. I don't agree I'm unconvinced. I think he had a bad argument.
That's fine. I am totally fine with that.
I hope you have that experience I expect you to have experience at least once what I would like to point out is I hope that you are able to Continue to watch the show even though you disagree with it Right because I think it is good to be exposed to opinions and points of view that we don't that you don't agree with I think that's I think that's very beneficial. I think it's better. I read a good quote. I don't know where it was from I'm sorry to the person who wrote this initially, but that when you read something or you watch an argument, you shouldn't watch it Trying to think do I agree with this or not? Let me take it down. Is this right or not? Yes or no, right? Just read it within or watch it in our case of our show with an open mind as to what the argument is Try to follow the train of logic and then when you get to the end you can say, okay well regardless of whether or not agree with it, I now Understand that this is a point of view that is internally consistent Right that where I now know that there is a person in the world who feels this way and they have made a cogent argument for it That's sort of the first thing that you know, right by reading it You've been exposed to someone else's point of view and whether or not you agree with it that is beneficial right and so I hope that people are able to watch our show in that spirit and You know, I hope that we do more and more topics that people have strong opinions about The more that we're able to sort of like get that idea across that like hey You don't have to agree with about agree with us about everything.
What's the next thing? Is there anything you ever wish you haven't ruined anything? You wished you haven't wished you haven't you messed up your tenses here Should be is there anything you wish you hadn't ruined? Is there anything you anything that you wish the sort of like get that idea across that like hey You don't have to agree with about it. I agree with us about everything. What's the next thing? Is there anything you ever wish you haven't ruined anything? You wished you haven't wished you haven't you messed up your tenses here It should be, is there anything you wish you hadn't ruined? Is there anything you, anything that you wish present tense, you hadn't, right, sort of past blue perfect, I think, or something like that, past perfect, hadn't ruined. Is there anything you wished that, yeah, I don't think this works at all. And honestly, what I wish I hadn't ruined is this sentence is very rude of me to take it apart like that. And you just have to ask a nice question.
Mitch Lemon, 86. Mitch Lemon, what a, is that your real name? You got a hard life and I feel bad for giving you a hard time over this sentence, Mitch Lemon. Oh, there he goes, Mitch Lemon, coming down the street, people are making fun of you every day, and look, 86, you're only 30 years old. You live 30 years with that name?
My God, I'm so sorry, I feel bad. I wished I hadn't ruined that quote.
All right, I'm getting the wrap it up twirly gig unless you were saying let's make cotton candy. That's the other thing that this could mean. Could mean wrap it up or could mean let's make some cotton candy.
Should we do one more? Okay, we'll do one more. What's one more question? One more question, right here. What's it gonna be?
Mount Everest is 29,000 feet by the time I've commented. Mount Everest is 29,000 feet tall? Okay, so our Empire State Building was 10 times taller than the real one, and Mount Everest is twice as tall as that, or almost three times as tall.
Incredible, well, we were still very wrong. Have you affected any of your personal relationships from ruining things? No, I don't think so.
I mean, people, look, people, no one's gotten so mad at me. I mean, in the past, when I was younger, the atom you see on the show is sort of a version of my younger self, right, where I couldn't resist from interrupting people in the middle of them doing something fun, or from, I didn't know when it was appropriate to say those things and when it wasn't, and so I would embarrass myself and I would irritate other people. It wasn't just because I ruined things, they didn't wanna hear about it, but it was just because I was generally that socially awkward, and so that definitely hurt my personal relationships. If you mean, in terms of me doing something on the show, no, not at all. I mean, no one's been so mad at me that they've been like, Adam, your show, you're not my friend anymore, you know? There have been a couple times that people, you know, one old friend of mine had a family that worked in the funeral industry, and they were a little worried that I was personally mad at them about practices in the funeral industry. I'd be like, no, I'm not, I don't want, you know, it's never a personal issue like that, you know? But in general, look, I mean, people like to learn, you know, the joke of the show is that, oh, I'm ruining things, that's tough, I'm making a bad, you know, I'm messing everything up, but in reality, people really like to learn, they like the information, and that's why people thankfully watch the show.
I thank all of you guys for watching it, and you know, it's the honor of my life to do it, I couldn't be more thrilled that people enjoy it. So thanks for watching, thanks for watching me right here. Hey, follow me on Twitter, at Adam Conover. If you want to see me livestream more stuff, I stream video games on Twitch, at twitch.tv slash Adam Conover. Look, it'll go right here. No, it won't, because this is live, we're not adding anything in post, so we're not gonna add the title, but here it is, twitch.tv slash Adam Conover, you can go subscribe to me there. If you wanna watch me play Final Fantasy XV in a little bit. And otherwise, thanks so much for watching, and check out Adam Ruins Everything every Tuesday at 10 p.m. on TruTV, thanks guys.
You hadn't, right? Sort of past-plue-perfect, I think, or something like that, past-perfect, hadn't ruined. Is there anything you wished that, yeah, I don't think this works at all.
And honestly, what I wish I hadn't ruined is this sentence, it's very rude of me to take it apart like that, and you're just asking a nice question, Mitch Lemon, 86. Mitch Lemon, what a, is that your real name? You got a hard life, and I feel bad for giving you a hard time over the sentence, Mitch Lemon. Oh, there he goes, Mitch Lemon, coming down the street, people are making fun of you every day. And look, 86, you're only 30 years old, you live 30 years with that name? My God, I'm so sorry, I feel bad, I wished I hadn't ruined that quote.
All right, I'm getting the wrap it up, twirly gig, unless you were saying, let's make cotton candy, that's the other thing that this is gonna mean. It could mean wrap it up, or it could mean let's make some cotton candy.
Should we do one more? Okay, we'll do one more, what's one more question? One more question, right here. What's it gonna be?
Mount Everest is 29,000 feet, by the way. What comment is this? Mount Everest is 29,000 feet tall? Okay, so our Empire State Building was 10 times taller than the real one, and Mount Everest is twice as tall as that, or almost three times as tall, incredible.
Well, we were still very wrong.
Have you affected any of your personal relationships from ruining things? No, I don't think so, I mean, people let, look, people, no one's gotten so mad at me. I mean, in the past, when I was younger, the atom you see on the show is sort of a version of my younger self, right, where I couldn't resist from interrupting people in the middle of them doing something fun, you know, or from, you know, I didn't know when it was appropriate to say those things and when it wasn't, and so I would embarrass myself and I would irritate other people. It wasn't just because I ruined things, they didn't wanna hear about it, but it was just because I was generally that socially awkward, and so that definitely hurt my personal relationships. If you mean that in terms of me doing something on the show, no, not at all. I mean, no one's been so mad at me that they've been like, Adam, your show, you're not my friend anymore, you know. There have been a couple times that people, you know, one old friend of mine had a family that worked in the funeral industry and they were a little worried that I was personally mad at them about practices in the funeral industry. I'd be like, no, I'm not, I don't want, you know, it's never a personal issue like that, you know, but in general, look, I mean, people like to learn, you know, the joke of the show is that, oh, I'm ruining things, that's tough, I'm making a bad, you know, I'm messing everything up, but in reality, people really like to learn, they like the information, and that's why people thankfully watch the show.
I thank all of you guys for watching it, and I'm, you know, it's the honor of my life to do it, I couldn't be more thrilled that people enjoy it. So thanks for watching, thanks for watching me right here.
Hey, follow me on Twitter, at Adam Conover. If you wanna see me livestream more stuff, I stream video games on Twitch, at twitch.tv, slash Adam Conover, look, it'll go right here. No, it won't, because it's live, we're not adding anything in post, so we're not gonna add the title, but here it is, twitch.tv slash Adam Conover, you can go subscribe to me there, if you wanna watch me play Final Fantasy 15, in a little bit, and otherwise, thanks so much for watching, and check out Adam Ruins Everything every Tuesday, at 10 p.m. on TruTV, thanks guys. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | ep_36_ian_healy | Hello listeners and thank you for tuning in to the Battuta advocate radio show or podcast if you're listening from outside our humble inland town. My name is Errol Parker and this show is coming out of the capital of the Sunshine State. Yes my name is Clancy overall as well thank you for listening. Yep down in Brisbane right now so if you're listening back home in Battuta on Desert Rock FM we're glad the audio has made it back to Domitina Shire. We are down here of course because of the Battuta advocate roadshow is in full swing. We've thoroughly enjoyed meeting the good people who've come out to see us across the northern cities and now we're heading down south. Yes it's been great so far and if you're listening to our show from down south make sure to come and grab some tickets to see us when we come to your town for the Battuta advocate roadshow.
Now this week on the show we are talking to cricketing royalty a man who has seen the highest highs of our national team and has since become an institution in the coverage of the game. His name is Ian Healey and he has done it all one of our greatest ever players and today he's going to offer up some insight into what's currently going on in the game. That and we're about to have a chat with Ian in his office which is above one of his many car washes so there's a bit of background noise and a few toots here and there. Yes on top of Hoppy's car wash down in Norman Park he's got them all over town if you live in Brisbane and yeah he's got a lot going on let's have a chat about it all. Yeah let's get into it. Well here we are in Brisbane City as the Battuta advocate roadshow continues around the country all 13 dates currently in Brisbane now in the breathtaking Griffith electorate sitting here with an icon of Australian cricket and Brisbane in itself Ian Healey how are you mate?
Very well nice to have you fellas. Thanks for having us over. I only found out yesterday that it was the Griffith electorate actually. It's been a while since I've had Kevin Rudd's head blasted everywhere around here I guess.
So we're up here on the top floor of your car wash there's been a few developments down there in in the big smoke down there in Sydney at Cricket Australia. Is there any way they could kind of lure you out of the car wash game and down on the board you know to right the ship? Well no I'm not right in the mood for punishment just yet. I'll stay with the car wash.
No we've got this car wash group which which occupies our time and my time outside of commentary which is great and also the Greek Chapel Cricket Center where we've got eight or nine stores around the country now so I've got plenty on my plate the broadcasting double-up started to become an issue for Mark Taylor you know that even though he'd been there 13 years and he wasn't involved in the broadcasting rights deal but all of a sudden that became a you know conflict of interest so I'd have the same conflict I'd imagine so getting into that board mightn't be possible. Fox Fox is now the new kids on the block yeah how's that all looking? Yeah well it looks fantastic the energy level and the intensity and excitement around the Fox offices is something to experience you know we've been down there a fair bit doing promos and wardrobe and photographs and those sorts of things and it's a busy hectic place which is great you know my history and knowledge is only Channel 9 which are separated a lot in cottages you know each of the departments so when you put it all in one building wow there's plenty happening so it was great they're certainly making a huge effort they're throwing a lot of people at it which means a lot of money and let's see what they produce. Yeah right I suppose the culture there would be a bit different to the early days of Channel 9 where you had a big overlord with Kerry Packer there you know breathing down your neck. Well I think it might be quite similar yeah you know Patrick Delaney the head of Fox has certainly got his fingerprints into it and I know even Lachlan Murdoch has asked a few questions and then the head of sports Steve Crawley has come out of a lot of a lot of networks that have started things up so I think that has everyone on tender hooks and and they're really really desperate for it to work and so what will make it work is Australia playing good cricket and being something we really want to watch and that they've got to make those steps on the field at the moment but I think yeah the the unknown and and the expense that they're going through at the moment probably rivals you know the the early 80s when the Packer era began. The revolutionary kind of era of World Series and that kind of stuff you think that you can see some parallels happening now they're down there in Fox? Yeah I reckon and you can't really say much that they don't I'm lucky to be there because they don't want to do things differently and claim that they're doing things differently to the way Channel 9 have done it for 40 years and have Channel 9 people all over it so I've just shut up and let it ride you know that you know they're probably doing things you know with you know no holds barred which Channel 9 would have started doing then they would have found the shortcuts and the corners to cut and expenses to save so it's it's really really interesting and great that they've looked after me.
Now did you ever think as a young man playing cricket for Australia that you'd end up having to hang out with these blokes for the rest of your life because you know there's a lot of crossover between the teams you played in and the commentary teams you now sit with. Yeah and I guess that'll happen if you ever have success so we're into the sort of second generation of success now if you like you know Ponting Gillie and those types of blokes coming through the commentary now McGrath snuck himself in there and I think Gillespie's gonna do a bit so so no you probably don't think of that you're gonna hang out and work work together but but it doesn't surprise me that it happens and it's good fun you know cricket's always had the no-dickhead rule and good teams will weed them out and it's there's very few there's none in my in my time of playing that you know you wouldn't want to hang out with and that's probably no coincidence we were pretty successful. When you guys have really hidden your straps you know Warnie McGrath kind of what happens when when there's that much talent and that much success do you guys you feel like you've kind of not even touching the ground at times or yeah it's a good good description actually it is if you float around the world having fun and yet you're doing something significant for your country and you don't understand how much esteem we all get as a country out of a great sporting performance but you only have to look at India to know that the esteem a country can achieve so and our Olympic performers all that sort of stuff with we just love it but you don't realize that when you're playing you've just got a singular focus and that and that's a pretty simple plan which enables you to cope with pressure and get the job done our our golden years in my time was 93 to 97 I reckon from 88 to 93 we sort of built up our confidence I think they they picked character and I liken it to what they're doing right now so they picked blokes with temperament that and a sense of humor that even though the early years mightn't be that great they won't lose confidence and I would have been one of those selection didn't know it I just was a surprise selection and then when that temperament becomes comfortable your talent comes out of course you've got to be talented and have the right skills to to emerge and be worthy of playing for Australia so our skills came out sort of early 90s we surprisingly won the 89 ashes then in the early 90s we started to get really comfortable and border became a great captain and then then we got a young McGraw and a young Warren that helps coming in coming into the fray and and by about 93 Warren was hitting his straps you know the two ball or boys Taylor and Slater at the top I was going well our bowlers whether it be Murphy's or Bruce Reed early in those years we're going great McDermott so we had everything you know and didn't worry about any conditions didn't worry about anything other than simply getting it done on any given day and having fun you you've got to have that a really bright passion for what you're doing too and and that should be obvious and I look back on some photographs only recently actually on on our team shots and dressing room shots and on the field shots is just full of obvious passion that we love being there so the talent came through I reckon between the years 93 to 97 Warnie wouldn't have bowled 50 bad balls a year yeah it was just we were just so hard to get on top of yeah it was really good time for cricket in Australia we all remember speaking of Alan border though he's been he's been out on the road for Fox for a long long long time him and BJ been out yeah sort of doing the hard yards and now and now their channels grown into some sort of huge huge cricket conglomerate now I suppose it's kind of a little bit of parallels with how they kind of rebuilt the cricket team themselves I guess yeah like now they're dark ages of just getting flogged all through the early 80s up to bitten up to being the world champions 20 so what you're saying is border is just a whipping boy I was really pleased for them that Fox were able to get into cricket full-time yeah and because they have done a great job I'm on my last tour the late 90s Foxtel were on our shirts though Foxtel were our sponsors and so they've been involved in cricket yeah over 20 years and now they've they've got the lot and it's great that BJ and AB can be a big part of that imagine if they didn't bring them on yeah AB and B, Jill finished. Thank you for your service gentlemen. You'd hear about it at a few corporate lunches I reckon anyway. They'd be speaking at most of them. Now you you came out of Brisbane State High you know Wally Lewis same same kind of alumni coming out of there Matt Tumour was there ever a point in your life where you were a bit like a Jason Little was it all was it always going to be cricket it was always gonna be cricket I reckon before I went to State High and he went to State High for one year, year 12 I was in the country so as a yeah as a country kid cricket the cricket system allowed me to compare myself as a cricketer to the state kids all around city and country every year so I knew I was a really good cricketer compared to everyone else or you know top top rung type stuff and then but football wasn't the case you know I didn't there wasn't a state carnival every year all that I knew about or my town was exposed to I'm not sure but State High did make me play footy in year 12 so I played I'd given up league at 16 really in the country but came to Brisbane State High and of course they're in the GPS competition and I played one year of rugby I was a half back in league right they moved me to 5-8 because I could set up some play it would not just be a passer and I was a kicker and after one game against Auckland Grandma my first game in rugby was against Auckland Grandma at powerhouse school in New Zealand got smashed and they worked out I was too slow for 5-8 so I had to go inside center so which is fine you know you do three tackles a match and you get Player of the Season but it was great it was a great experience to be able to play that GPS year and we we did pretty well could you see any noticeable differences coming from you know up north Billa Wheeler way and the way they play cricket in the bush compared to when you came down in the city not really I didn't notice it because I didn't play junior cricket down here I probably and a high level of my cricket a high amount of my cricket from 14 years of our of age upwards was senior cricket in the country and senior representative cricket so I got well looked after out there they saw some potential they knew I was representing well outside my town and so the men looked after me too they got me into rep teams early and didn't do a whole lot but and then when I came down to Brisbane I was straight into third grade in club cricket in Brisbane so I'm not sure how how the junior cricket differed but yeah the third grade in club cricket was right right on it was hard and yeah you had to be sharp each day if you wanted to progress so how many games a club did it take you to get up to up to your state because you were only in the state team for about half a season weren't you and then yeah yeah well the first question how many well my career stats are hundred and nineteen tests I think 41 shield games yeah and about 60 club games so and I reckon I'd played 50 of those club games before I'd played for Australia yeah you know so so I would have played a club that that as soon as I got down to Brisbane then I went to year 12 played school cricket and then the next year played second grade for North's in Brisbane then the following year probably went into first grade by then I was sort of 20 then I went no I'd had a season in another club actually because I was in second grade at North's yeah our first grade we kept organized me to go to a East's which is here around this area where we are in the electorate of Griffith and I played a season or two for East's yeah so that I could be playing first grade when Australian under-19 selection came about they liked the pick blokes who were at least playing first grade you know so I did that and then went back to North's so and then in the state squad and a year after that I would have got into the state squad and then eventually the next year after that the state keeper Peter Anderson number one we can keep it got injured and I played two shield games then the following year 1987 or something he got injured again and gave me four games for Queensland and then they picked me for Australia they leapfrogged him as well as everyone else in the country to play for Australia so my son's now a wicker keeper and I say to him it's easy it's all you got to do he might not be having the luck I had a lot of the games you've played on paper well the majority were for Australia yeah yeah I reckon I've probably then I played 171 does and a lot of tour matches and first-class games for Australia yeah yeah big time and so my dream when I was playing for Queensland I was a second wicker keeper for Queensland yeah I thought the first wicker keeper Peter Anderson would play for Australia then they had to get upset with Greg Dyer the Australian keeper otherwise none of us were going to get a game you know so so I thought Ando might play for Australia and that would give me five games for Queensland every year and and I was happy with that and so I think because I had that and that dream when I was catapulted in I was half a chance you know I sort of had my head into taking a step up I might as well do this step yeah now he was talking about how you were lucky enough I mean off the back of border doing the hard yards I guess you could say to be in one of those teams where there's momentum and then there's just everything's working it's like every match was like a perfect swing at golf on many most of the time what what do you think should be the immediate plan for the current Australian cricket side I mean it's probably hard to give an answer but things that they could help it's quite easy because I reckon they they're right where we were in the mid to late 80s only came in in 1988 and they'd already won the one-day World Cup so we're starting to move but you know we walked into bars or restaurants and no one spoke to us look no one came out and said oh great to have you fellas I'll buy you a round of drinks or anything like that nothing so so you know that and we didn't care we we knew we had work to do so you've got to get together you've got a love being there and you've got to do the hard yards you gotta train hard Bobby Simpson just nailed us for hours in every facet of play our net sessions he was one coach that could spot a problem that might emerge you know if you're doing this just made us aware of something you were doing with the bat and and just made you aware of it because in three weeks time that could become a problem for her and and then in fielding short catching long catching ground fielding we're ahead of the world so they've just got a level that and that they're gonna love all that I reckon their talent will come out when when they're comfortable and they're able to relax and concentrate I suppose though it'd be a little bit harder then in the early night is if just overnight you lost AB and Booney and Craig McDermott the light for a whole year you know to be a bit harder it would be extremely hard you know especially in a successful year you know if you're on that on their build yeah you might just keep building for another year but but if you're in a successful era part of it and three of your legends go well you know you might have you might hit a full stop yeah so yeah that's really difficult but again step up step up everyone make sure you do your job I thought you know when Cummins and Stark and Hazelwood are in this bowling attack everyone thinks we're gonna win yeah they forget to step up everyone else has got to do their job the spinners got to be perfect we've got to hold catches we've got a bat and bat long periods if plenty is happening with the ball we've got to do some hard yards with the bat you know so you know don't just rely on them and I think good teams at times when we lost it was because we thought we relied on each other we'll be right we've still got warning and we'll be right and Tugger will get the runs so and before you know it on on a bad day bang you're gone so don't rely on anyone get your job done yourself yeah and even when you didn't have the best spin ball in the world in your team you had the second best in regular yeah it was a bit of a golden here on it it was it was a real golden era and and and then I can't you can't forget in the late 80s there was plenty of times when we just had normal mortal spinners Peter Taylor Peter sleep we didn't get an opposition out on the last day you got to remember that and that's what this team have to go through all the time every test match yeah and and so I've got to remember all that one I was lucky to be in there yes I might have the right attitude and we did some did some good work in there but I got I was lucky you can't have everyone so rookie ish yeah but if you are you got to remember how bad you were when when when we were struggling you know gotta remember that you guys came back from something yeah yeah yeah definitely we were we started things that they've got a chance to do it right now and get it going and be really successful but I don't like the fact that our bowlers get rested get rotated at a time where they get paid to be out anyway like burn them chew them up and you know to see if they want to stay you know injuries seem to be a high high on the communication list at the moment they should be the things that are hidden and and players that play with durability are the ones that become legends our fast bowlers these days if if they're to play a hundred tests it's gonna take them 25 years yeah so we've got a we've got to drive some durability into everyone do your fingers ache in the winter no no but I'm half a chance I think they've might if I lived in conditions like that would warrant that Melbourne or England Tassie yeah every now you know I get a few hot spots but I'm half a chance up here I reckon in Queensland and you know those cars downstairs my car cleaning careers finished I did four hours once and I prayed there wasn't another car just on that how they've been resting players and everything did you ever play with a broke hand or a finger or something you know just because you had a young fella who was up behind you got nip nip nip nip you didn't even bother me whether there's a young play or not I just wanted to rack up games and want to keep playing so if I could play I would play yeah and and in that decision to play in you're not you can't let your team down and you're not spotted on the bench or in the physio room all match you know you've just got to deal with your own stuff and get get the job done Merv Hughes was a classic he was the best we had at playing playing hurt and playing with pain and getting the job done yeah he didn't let anyone down but yeah broken fingers as a keeper oh sure I'd certainly investigate the ones that could get worse yeah but but most likely I didn't x-ray my fingers so that I didn't know what I had yeah and you just treat it like a bruised finger then it's ice and strapping and and good treatment but get out and play you might not be allowed to do that now so we didn't have a doctor we had a physio and who knew you very well and knew your pain thresholds and knew your ability to do the job with this particular injury and now a doctor would have to probably rule you out and they do they rule you out so I'm pretty sure our cricketers are putting a few things under the mat themselves these days and not not sort of coming totally clean on things like broken fingers yeah now it was interviewed Matt Rogers the other day and he was talking about you know very colorful career for the man between both rugby league and rugby union and he was saying about the modern footballer in both codes it's a different is a different beast and he was saying I mean you know there's positives and there's negatives he was saying he's obviously saying with the wallabies there's a bit of a brat culture and there's a lot of you know it's social social media has changed these guys as well as they're kind of you know the way they can supplement their incomes you know through social media and that kind of stuff have you have you seen that with the modern cricketer I mean they are all very woman's day friendly nowadays as well you know in your area you weren't getting paid a hundred grand for showing people photos of your kids so have you seen that affect the culture of the of the game oh not really because I did still stay out of it I don't like getting that sort of money yeah so ladies and Beck money yeah that would change the culture I think what has changed our cricketing culture and first of all accreting techniques is the three forms of the game where young players come in they aspire the most money is in the t20 side of the game so they've got to demonstrate to everyone that they can slog they can hit big shots and hit sixes so our young blokes are coming into dressing rooms thinking right I've got to show them that and then I'll show my technique later so that's confusing a lot of players and coaches you know what do you coach your 12 year old kid nowadays you know yeah that's right or the the scoops over your head or the reverse sweeps or do we get balance going we get get them balanced so that they can then branch into those shots that that's a confusing issue as far as culturally is concerned I think players these days don't they haven't relied on might be just an Australian thing I'm not sure that they they don't rely on camaraderie in the team like we did we had to be together we'd be down in the bar having a little pre-dinner drink and then off to dinner a lot together or two big groups going to different spots they don't do that anymore and I think it's probably because they're playing for so many franchises around the world they don't have to have that camaraderie they just go in and get a job done or not and move on so an Australian cricketer you know will be playing now against South Africa he might then not be in the t20 side after being the one dayers then he comes into the test side and if he doesn't make the test side you go to your big bash franchise which it might not be in your state you might be a New South Wales player but you're playing for the Adelaide strikers yeah then then they come back play for their states again then they go to the Caribbean Premier League then the IPL and they're just playing a lot of teams where you haven't got enough much time yeah to develop that camaraderie anyway I think our state and our national teams haven't noticed that and haven't engendered it back into those teams when they need to yeah because there's no really sort of long tours anymore are there like you don't really go to the Caribbean for a hundred days or what's 100 days through three months it was always 13 weeks our tour I'd love to go to the Caribbean for 13 weeks now when the fast bowlers aren't any good he's that it was a really stressful 13 weeks over there where practice facilities weren't great that probably improved now they've had a World Cup and a bit more investment over there practice facilities not great so if you if you get behind and Kirtley and Courtney or you know they get on top of you it's hard to get your confidence back and then our England tour was four and a half months yeah we wanted six that was a great time you know and we just you come from where you've come from yeah you know that it was 33 matches in the 1948 tour in England and said they've gradually got it down a little bit now the players are right behind the two-month tour rather than having a four months you know so I think we could spend some more time expanding some tours for the good of cricket two-part question who is the best bowler you ever kept and who is the scariest right warning is the best bowler I've ever kept to I think possibly the best bowler in the game that there's ever been and he wasn't deceptive he wasn't he couldn't deceive he everyone knew what was coming yeah so he was easy to read but it was his accuracy and his relentless passion to be on top of here that was that's perfect you know and he could just put the ball where each and every batsman didn't want it so that he was about the scariest are you you meant to keep to with the fastest spell I ever kept to was Jason Gillespie at Headingley he had a little breeze behind him and Headingley is downhill yeah and we're down off the square as well at the other end so the balls were really flying and some of the English batsmen didn't like it he got seven for 43 or 747 I think that day so so that's the fastest but traditionally Merv was our fastest and scariest bowler and you'd hate it when you get a wicket because he would come and slobber all over you and you just hope the catch the catch goes wide and slips not not to you hope someone gets a catch but if it cannot be me that would be good yes yeah he's all over you so back to a warning as you said just before probably one of the best bowlers in human history mm-hmm what was that what other history is it well in modern history the week that we can document what was it like watching that happen because he was a bit younger than you yes so did you see was there people there managing this young kid who had it like did you sort of ring there was and but it was very subtle it was Bobby Simpson yeah the coach who'd heard about him I got dragged in a Queensland cricket coaching office in the early 90s our coaching director here at Queensland to Byron said come and look at this kid and it was a West Indies under 19 tour or Academy tour or something and he looked terrible to me like he looked round arm and pudgy and but it was the vision was quite a fair way away couldn't really see it but they said straight away this fellas is real good so okay and then when that started to get out and he started to play Victoria weren't picking him that much because they had G Peter McIntyre Paul Jackson a few spinners in front of him so he was struggling to force his way in there so they picked him in Australian 11 to go and play the touring team in Hobart a couple years in a row and Bobby Simpson was looking at it and I was I was the captain of those teams and Simo really tested him out in the field he found out that he wasn't a great fielder but certainly started that and he had a real maturity about him like he was 20 or 21 probably and he reminded me of an old-fashioned club cricket a country club cricketer that would put his log cabin can of tobacco down as his bowling mark and start from there you know and so to me he he was he just felt really old for how young he was and then yeah so I think Simo was really monitoring him then would have been putting some pressure on Victoria to get him in so that you could pick him for Australia yeah well I did go back the other day and have a look at the highlights from his first game in the baggy grain against India at the SCG and he had a pretty bad day he was he was none for 140 odd I think in his first innings was it that was the end of his first innings yeah and then Ravi Shastri took him for 200 in the second yeah he dropped him didn't he dropped a catch yeah so a B said you keep bowling you dropped him you keep bowling but again you'll see his willingness to keep going yeah we then went to Sri Lanka soon after that and and he was chirping in the dressing room like encouraging everyone and he was getting slogged on the field you know with Aruna and Arjuna Renatunga just took to him in the in the first innings at in Colombo and and he was still encouraging everyone in the dressing room come on batsmen good luck out there you know I was starting to think mate you better get your own game going all right you know but I thought I'll let him go and then that second innings of that test he got three for 11 when border throw in the ball yeah at the end of a tight finish you know yeah but that's what he was like he didn't shirk it he kept bowling and even if it's done for 140 and and he was always there for others very generous in he in his enthusiasm for others and the team you know so you know that's why he's legend is what do you think you would have done if you didn't play cricket well he was a salesman for 40 winks he reckons he had a blue singlet you know like a workers singlet drill drill pants you know sometimes have jam from his jam donut on his singlet he reckons this is why he was so impressed with his part-time job there's a technique where you can get a mattress a double mattress or even bigger on to one hand spin it up and put it on your shoulder yeah and press the button you know press the button and then you're standing there with this bed on your shoulder so here I'm headed about to deliver your bed you can imagine it you know the big ginger mullet the jam spill on the blue singlet and the bed on the bed on the shoulder um you know that that's what I don't know what he'd do but I reckon he so that means he didn't probably play state cricket you know so if he did so he if he didn't make it in cricket off who knows what what he would do okay I haven't even thought of it but he would yeah he would have had but he wouldn't have had money so so I think it 40 winks he might have found it though you never know and furniture value yeah and it's lassie what do you think you would have done well I've done a couple of things already and I was a schoolteacher yeah I've been through Teachers College and taught for three years and then I'd left school left teaching to go and work with my father-in-law to be and I just started two weeks before this call came to the office that I was in the Australian team so I was only just sort of starting selling ladies fashion in a fashion agency at South Brisbane right near Brisbane State High and and sort of we didn't really believe that I'd you know I did my dad had to ring ABC radio and sort of find out if it was real I said to him I know I mean that I've just been told I'm in the Australian cricket team bullshit so he had run ABC to check it all out the next day there it was Good Friday and they didn't need media until that day so it was a very interesting I'd have to sort of unfold that why why even the radio stations hadn't rung me or anything in those days you know it was just Queensland cricket rang me to tell me well to congratulate me could be anyone and then they said have you heard the good news no and oh they had to be careful you know but they waited till the embargo and all that sort of stuff so I then our lives changed I was getting married in two weeks time and I was in this fashion business I stayed in it for two more years after that and finally plucked up the courage to tell my father-in-law look I gotta go I'd knock back a sailing trip at Hamilton Island race week you know with Forex who are our sponsor I went in to see my father already said oh god I thought you would have gone months ago I left I left fashion but I reckon I would have dabbled around that the business world I reckon well he'll thanks for talking to us today all the best with this year summer coming up it'll be a big one okay okay Fox okay I live in an apartment now my building doesn't take IQ whatever whatever you need to support 4k so it will will get by it's a high-profile summer great opportunity for the the blokes to bounce back that they can produce a team that can win the World Cup at the end of this summer and then go to the ashes and try to win for the first time in five ashes series that's unacceptable so so I'm looking forward to seeing what Langer does differently and that team plays better in England for once yeah beauty and Hoppy's car wash for anyone in Brisbane they've got a range of outlets around the around the place yeah how many you got we got a few we got 11 and a couple down the Gold Coast and mainly around Brisbane and Southeast Queensland so thanks for that and that was Ian Healey very insightful interview and one that should be getting you excited for a big summer of cricket coming ahead yes hopefully you are one of the 1221 people that can have Fox cricket broadcast into their home in 4k otherwise you'll have to stick to being an HD piece of shit like we are out in the middle of the Simpson desert and until next week my name is Errol Parker and never talk to the police without legal counsel present they are not your friends they're out to fuck you yes yes they are dogs all of them and my name is Clancy overall you'd be kind to each other |
dropout | You_Need_To_Go_BIGGER | Gosh, you seem happy today. That's because I love potato chips. Okay, cut. Lily, you're doing great, just keep doing what you're doing.
Grant, small note, can we try this next one just a little bit bigger? Little bigger? Yeah, it's playing a little subdued right now, so let's really see that emotion, go big, you know, swing for the fences.
Sure, yeah. Camera set. And action. Gosh, you seem happy today. Really happy. Oh, yeah. Oh, Lily. Oh, that's because I love potato chips. Okay, okay, cut. Lily, love the improv. That was fantastic.
Grant, buddy. Too big. No, no, I was going to say that I don't think you took the note before, like let's just go a little bigger this time. Really? Yeah, yeah, just a little bit bigger, you know. Hm.
I won't lie, that felt crazy. I'm sure it feels weird, you know, when you're out there and all the cameras are aimed at you and you can't really see what it looks like, but trust me, like, on the monitor, it's looking really good, I just think we need to push it.
Okay, so, um, bigger. Bigger, yeah, just go big.
Got your back. Camera set. And action. Gosh, you seem happy today.
Lily! That's because I love potato chips! Oh, yeah! Oh, God, I love these!
They're so good!
These are good chips!
Okay! Okay, cuts! Uh, Grant. Wow.
Too big. Uh, no, it was a lot of ignoring me is what that was. I want you to go big, okay? Big. Big, big, big, big, big. Go big, Grant.
Is this a prank? What? No, it's not a prank, Grant.
This is the end of the sketch, right? This is the big moment. It's gotta be huge. Otherwise, what was the whole sketch leading towards, you know? Many notes for me.
Lily, honestly, you're perfect. Don't change a thing. Stop. It's a dream to come in and work with you. Maybe I'm not understanding. Okay.
What exactly do you mean when you say go bigger? Just bigger, okay? Go bigger.
If that last take was a six, let me see an eleven. That was a six.
If you go too far, I'll bring you back, okay? I'm already too far.
It's looking great on monitor. Can I see? No playback on set. Camera set.
Okay, action. Gosh, you seem happy. That's because I...
Bigger. ...love potato chips.
Keep going.
Tear down those walls, Grant.
Let's go big. I love potato chips. I love them. You can go bigger than that. Bigger. Let's go a little bit bigger, okay? I love potato chips.
Go for it. Look at this. Garbage out of here. Keep going.
I love potato chips. Grant, can you make a decision? I love potato chips. Just make a decision, okay? Even you don't believe what you're doing, all right? I love potato chips.
Grant. Grant, can you just push yourself, okay? I need you to push yourself for one take, all right? If we get this one take, we'll be done.
I love potato chips.
Go a little bit bigger. A little bit bigger, okay, Grant? You seem happy. Grant, come on. All right. Let's put you in the moment, all right?
Remember being born, Grant. Grant, you're being born, okay?
You're a child, you're being born for the first time. It's a brand new world, a world full of wonder and curiosity and magic. And the first thing you see is your mother and your mother, that feeling you feel as a child, that love you feel.
That's the love of the potato chips. That's what I want from you, okay? You're so happy. Thank you, Lily.
Grant, you're getting older. You're getting older.
Mommy, look at me.
Grant. Why don't you look, buddy? Stop holding back. Go big, go big, okay? Grant, could you go bigger?
We're trying to make art here and you're giving me crap. I am a man and I am a woman.
I love potato chips.
Ah! Okay, cut. Grant. A little bigger. No! You want to see bigger? No, no, no, no, no. I'll show you bigger. Stop. Oh, what's happening?
Grant wasn't big enough. Oh, how big is Grant anyways? |
Wizards_with_Guns | megachurch_pastors_steal_360_000_in_christmas_donations | Let me just line that up. NO! Have little Susan from Tallahassee on the line with a very special Christmas prayer request. Susie? Why, of course Susan.
Ahem. Dear God, we pray that Susan's father makes tender, tender love to Susan's mother this Christmas. Amen. May he light her body on fire with a thousand pleasures, Lord. Lord. Much like the reindeer father, may he dawn her, may he dash her, may he dance her, and may he prance her. Blitzen, that dicks him, God. Welcome to the annual Jesus for Jesus Christmas Telethon.
I'm Ruby Ranch. And I'm Titus Diamondhook.
This year, we're raising funds for the poor, hungry children of Lake Pipicaca. That's right. For just the price of a McDonald's Happy Meal, we can give each of these starving kids a Bible. It's true.
Thanks for donating, Moshe. You're welcome. Thank you.
It symbolizes the star that Jesus rode down from heaven into his baby body. No, it's a Jewish symbol. The Star of David.
David? I hope he's Christian. Uh, you're what now?
Let's keep those phones ringing, folks. We pent up your unholy perversions and perditions for the fires of hell and the devil's legions of demons. Spare not even. It's time to open up some Christmas prayers from our children's ministry.
That's right. Oh, this one's addressed to the North Pole. Oh, that's cute. Dear Santa. Oh.
Stupid cricket kid.
Straight to hell. Remember, every donation counts, so keep those calls coming in. That's right. We've got our Deacon Daniel on the phones working hard.
I love Christmas. Oh, wow. You like it? It's perfect. Oh, it looks so expensive. It is.
God bless you, Titus. Well, go on. Open what I got you. You're gonna love it. All right. I'm so excited because I... Oh. You got me a Bible? Mm-hmm. I bought you extravagant premium jewelry. Mm-hmm. And you got me a book? Titus, open it. All right. I read the thing a thousand times. Call within the next 30 minutes to receive our Christmas worship album featuring hit tracks such as Make the Yuletide Straight. Oh, come.
I was asking God the other day. I said, God, should I get another houseboat or a boathouse to house the houseboat I already have? And he said, Ruby, look, mistletoe.
What? Oh, yeah. Who put that there? Uh-oh. It's above us. You know what that means. Yeah. It means we'd have to...
But I'm not. I mean, if you are, I wouldn't...
Not that that's wrong or anything. How about we just ignore it? Yeah, yeah. All right. Just take it down.
It's not that hard. I'm trying, but it's stuck. Well, just use both hands. Fine, hold my cocoa. Oh, we got it, Ruby. I landed on a nail. Groovy ranch. It's not a concussion.
He ate an ornament. He thought it was a cookie.
Oh, Lord. Let me pray for that. Don't touch me. I'm full of glass.
Well, folks, looks like we're going to have to end early this year. But before we go, let's see just how much we raised. $400,000? Wow. And we can't wait to tithe 10% of that to those hungry kiddos.
Thanks, folks. Now say goodbye, Ruby. I just want to wish Santa Claus a very happy birthday. Merry Christmas.
Now, it may not be biblical to say you can earn your place in heaven by subscribing and liking this video. But maybe it's biblical. I don't know what that is, but I think it's better.
Santa gets his coals from the fires of hell, and the devil's little minion is the elf on the shelf. Oh, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know that it's true, because that jolly red demon is coming for you. |
dropout | liking_rain_doesn_t_make_you_deep | Ugh. It's raining again in summer. Man, I hate rain. I didn't move to Southern California for the rain.
I moved here for the sunshine and did not pay taxes. You used to have to pay taxes here.
I don't think you're right about that.
Rain. Ugh, how I love the rain. Oh God, Rake is one of those I love the rain people. Oh! Rain is so light and effervescent, it's deep and complex. Oh, I love the rain. No, Rake, it's just wet and causes car accidents. Yeah, people who love the rain either never have to interact with it or they want to dabble in depression like one of those white people ordering up the dim sum cart for the first time.
Oh, if only you could see what I see in the soft pitter patter of God's seed. Ugh. Don't give me, for I see the beauty in chaos. No, you don't. You just want to seem deeper than everybody else. Thank you. I am deeper than everyone else. That, no. No, thank you. You're right to point that out. Okay. For anyone can like the sun, even you, Grant. Ugh. But it takes a true, deep, profound genius to love the rain. No, it doesn't. Oh! J'dolapuis.
You just haven't seen really bad rain yet. When it rains a lot in LA, you can't even go outside. You can't do like half the things you want to do.
Ugh. There's nothing like the cold and wet titillating towards the warm and fuzzy... Yuck. You've clearly never dealt with a major power outage during a storm. Ugh. How I pine for the elements to have their way with me. Forcing me into the darkest, coldiest corners of my home. Making me reflect upon my dependence on electronic goods. Disgusting. Obviously you've never had your basement flooded and all your crap ruined. Aye. The tormented tap dewy dance of the heavens upon my arms, stripping away warm positions. Oh, an inconvenience at first to be sure.
But what lessons the rain would teach me. Oh, thank you, rain. Everyone loves the rain when they're inside. Oh, yeah! If you love the rain so much, how about you go outside and be in it?
God, you're annoying. So annoying.
So, I have to pay taxes? Yeah, absolutely. So, sign up for your free trial today, and it was so great meeting you. If you want to like share some of those candy bars over wine sometime, you know, like I am available, you know. You get like 125, I can get 125.
I don't know. It's just an idea. |
cracked | why_expiration_dates_are_b_s_ | Hey, did you get that from the mini fridge over there? Yeah, I got hungry. I'm pretty sure that yogurt's expired.
Oh, God. Oh, my God. I'm dying. Oh, God.
Call my mom. Tell her I'm sorry that I ate yogurt that was slightly past its expiration date. Carmen, you're dead. I know I am, but I'm not wrong. Hi, I'm Carmen, and I'm here to tell you all about why expiration dates are lying to us.
Date labeling became popular in the 1970s. Instead of growing all our own foods, people began to buy from the grocery stores. But when people got nervous and said, but if we aren't growing it, how do we know if it's fresh? The supermarkets came up with a helpful idea and voluntarily adopted the open dating system, which stamped a month, date, and year on the product. How super helpful of that supermarket. And at first, it was. It was more of a way for them to say, we think it might go bad around this time. But it caught on, and people started treating it like law. And from 1973 to 1975, at least 10 bills were introduced to set standards for food dating.
However, even to this day, the only product with a federally required use-by label is baby formula. Everything else is left up to the food producer, so you can really only truly know when baby formula goes bad. All you folks who follow the law of the expiration date. Got those cocky babies. The companies that make the food, of course, want you to buy more of it. So saying the food will expire sooner is profitably better. So why not give us a pretty small time span before it expires, and then you'll have to buy more. And it works for them.
54% of consumers say that eating food past its sell-by date is a health risk. In 2011, research by the Food Marketers Institute found that 91% of consumers occasionally discard food past its sell-by date out of concern for the product's safety, while 25% said they always toss their food past the sell-by date. That's a ton of food. Nearly 40% of our food, to be exact, which comes out to be $165 billion of edible food. As a person who loves food more than she loves most people, this is really something I don't like to hear.
Because it turns out that about 80% of dates printed on food packaging are approximate, rather than exact dates as to when the food should no longer be consumed. And this is all because there's no official dating protocol. That's why you might see many different labels, like sell-by, use-by, best-by, not the store. So it's confusing, because I just want to eat my food before it becomes rotten poison that'll give me diarrhea. There should be a label that says, Rotten Poison Date, but that doesn't exist, and it's all very, very, very, very, very confusing. Most of these labels just indicate a product's peak freshness. But with little wording changes, companies can scare you into tossing that food earlier than you need to. Foods that are past their expiration date are not necessarily inedible.
Think of that poor can of refried beans you tossed away. It's probably sitting in that trash can asking, Why? Why you did that? I hear the cries of the legumes. Maybe you're just saying, But Carmen, I want to know if my food will go bad so I don't feel like poop.
Well, there is a solution. Many solutions.
You can push for clearer quality-based and safety-based labels on foods. Maybe even include a freeze-by date so that we can keep all that good food a little bit longer. Yes, you can freeze almost anything. It's awesome. Remove all those confusing best-by dates with ones that are more specific and very visible, and maybe have some smart labels with clear and pertinent food safety information about the specific product you just bought and how best to store it. But until we get some cool little laws passed that might establish a reliable, coherent, uniform, consumer-facing dating system, use your nose. Trust your taste buds. Don't be too scared if that yogurt is a couple days past its expiration date. But you might want to give it an extra sniff. Just be safe.
Hey! Who ate my yogurt? It's in here. It was never here.
Thank you so much for watching. If you like this video, subscribe to Cracked.
Also, please comment below and tell us about your food poisoning experience. I hope it was gross. |
dropout | when_someone_gets_your_name_wrong | Rekha says I'm crazy, but if I was being Truman showed, you'd tell me, right Siobhan? What? Raph? You're crazy. Change the subject. I'm going to get a drink. You guys want anything? Siobhan? Ralph?
I'm perfectly fine. Thank you. No, no thanks. Alrighty.
Hey Siobhan, I noticed that your friend keeps calling me Ralph. Oh really? I'm sorry. Do you think you could correct her for me? Why can't you do that?
Well, I don't want to be rude. She's your friend. Well, I don't want to be rude. She's my friend.
Alright, maybe I can do it naturally. Back dummies.
Ralph, aren't you warm? Don't you want to take off your jacket? You know what?
Raph's pretty comfortable actually, but that's classic Raph, right? Classic Raph. You know it's like my mom used to always tell me, Raph, your name is Raph. Just in case there's any confusion, Raph. Jeez, sounds like your mom thinks you're pretty dumb, Raph. Didn't your mom name you after the painter?
Yes. Yes, that's right.
Ralph I.L., the painter? Cool. No, I think you added an extra L in there. Oh, what? So it's Ralph I.A.?
You know, most people think I was named after the Ninja Turtle. Donatello. I see it. I am not Donatello.
Unbelievable. Um, sorry, dude, are you drawing me because I'm actually really protective over my image? Nope. Just doodling. You guys ever spend the day just writing down your own name? Oh, never. Which is kind of weird because I'm kind of a freak for word games.
Oh, right. Yeah, Angela. Ooh, here's a good one.
What is a four-letter word that is short for Raphael? Ooh, Ralph. What? That's five letters. We're looking for one, two, three, four. Dude, look. Ralph.
Ralph, it's your name, dummy. No, it's not. Don't you think it's weird that you're the only one who calls me that? Am I the only person that calls you Ralph?
I feel so honored. That is actually really sweet.
No, it's not.
A painting for Raphael, or Raphael, or Raffy'll, or Raff, or Raff. Or Raffe. I don't get wrong by Raffe! Or Raffy or Raffa or Raffy. Any of those will work just not Ralph.
It's a nick name. It's not though! It's, it's a totally different name unto itself. Fine, it's a diminutive. Or would it be short for. It's a short name, but it isn't short for anything.
Don't people call you half? Oh, R12 does call you half.
We are still in litigation! |
cracked | we_figured_out_how_much_being_batman_would_cost_batman_bruce_wayne_movie_math | Welcome to Movie Math, where we task our crack team of PhD-holding internet scientists to exhaustively research the questions that really matter. Like, how much booze James Bond drinks, and how good at killing guys as John Wick.
Today, we'll be looking at one of the most moneyed of superheroes. The man behind the black cow of Batman, Bruce Wayne. How many billions does this trust fund nepo baby need to beat up the criminals of Gotham City? And if he really wanted to fight crime, wouldn't it be better if he just invested in civic institutions and paid taxes? Because if Bruce Wayne is in fact a real billionaire, he's certainly not paying estate tax.
It's time for Movie Math. What are your superpowers again? I'm rich. To begin, there are many different versions of the Dark Knight to discuss. He appears in comic books, cartoons, video games, radio dramas, movies, novelizations of those movies with eight pages of color photos in the middle, podcasts, and in Times Square to take photos with tourists.
I got one. It cost me 50 bucks.
It would be literally impossible to get all the different versions of Bruce Wayne in one video, so we're going to focus on a few key areas of the Batman mythos to analyze. To establish his net worth, we're going to try to deduce his income from things like various investments and holdings, real estate, and his stake in Wayne Enterprises. Then we'll establish his costs, which will include things like gadgets, various vehicles, and his creatine intake. Because you know that guy has taken supplements. Finally, we'll take a look into the opportunity cost of a person with this much money funneling his resources into a one-man war on crime instead of just investing his wealth to solve systemic societal problems. Spoiler alert, Bruce would probably have to break less legs if he, I don't know, eradicated homelessness in Gotham City.
Bruce Wayne wasn't just born with a silver spoon in his mouth. So much as he was born with a silver spoon smelted from the finest ore deposits from the tallest mountains and crafted by ancient heavenly blacksmiths with a little dollop of caviar on top for good measure. Seriously, this guy was born capital R Rich. It's stated he inherited a multi-billion dollar bank account and a huge portion of Wayne Industries when he was only 8 years old, after his parents were murdered. Lucky guy.
Across the different Batman's descriptions of what Wayne Industries actually does would suggest this is a company with a product in the home of every person on planet Earth. With 8 billion people on Earth, that would make Wayne Industries so incalculably valuable that I will dial back the hyperbole for one second. Because while it's impossible to determine the actual value of Wayne Industries, we can break down the various divisions of the company and look at their real-life counterparts. There's Wayne Tech, which focuses on technology, research, development, and innovation, and would be used to make things like the bat radar that Bruce uses in the conclusion of The Dark Knight. Comparable companies to Wayne Tech would be Apple, Blackberry, or Tesla.
Apple is currently valued around $3 trillion dollars. Apple is worth...how...how many T's?
That's...that's crazy. I mean, I cracked. Everybody gets paid in Slim Jims. This is for me.
So, if we average the net worth of these similar companies, that gives us a value of $1.2 trillion. So we can safely assume this one division of Wayne Enterprises is worth a lot of Slim Jims. If we repeat this process with the other divisions of Wayne Industries and combine them all together, we land in the ballpark of $1.6 trillion. Now, Bruce is often portrayed as the majority stockholder of the company, which would suggest he owns at least 51% of the company. This means that our bat baby is worth around $800 billion dollars. No wonder Nicole Kidman was such a big fan of rubber.
Oh, we could give it a try? I'll bring the wine. You bring your scarred psyche.
As if all that wasn't enough, we also have to talk about Bruce's big gross house, Wayne Manor. Why do rich people have the worst taste in home decor? I don't get it. Now, film directors have often used grand historic estates, often situated in the UK, to represent the Wayne's episode of MTV Crips. Now, this place is a mausoleum. If I have my way, I'll pull the damn thing down brick by brick. Places like Metmore Towers, Walleton Hall, and Knebworth House, those all sound made up, have all been used as Wayne Manor stand-ins on screen. If we apply the same formula for value determination that we used on Wayne Enterprises, we can assume that his house costs about $91,331,273.33.
Don't forget the 33 cents, okay? Pretty steep price for a place to sleep upside down. You know that if you actually slept upside down, your heart wouldn't be able to effectively pump all the incoming blood, causing the failure of your essential functions, but that's another video.
Beyond his house and his business, Bruce has been shown to buy various banks, restaurants, and other buildings to emasculate guys who, like, hit on his girlfriends or call them names. It's difficult to estimate the ROI that Bruce can expect on these investments, so why don't we call it an even 25 mil? With all this considered, we're looking at Bruce Wayne having around $800,116,331,273.33. Don't forget the 33 cents. And that's before expenses. However, when you're Batman, your expenses end up being a bit higher than the average person's. Like, I'm only trying to spend $25 a month on various Slim Jim accessories, you know? And Bruce isn't eating Slim Jims like us. His expenses run deep. While a lot of the things that Batman uses to fight crime just don't exist in the real world, author and comics expert Thaddeus Howes has a helpful breakdown for what it would cost to be Batman. Although he did it for the Nolan Batman movies, so we'll adjust for inflation.
For starters, you have the costume itself. This includes a custom graphite cowl, retinal projection systems, Kevlar groin armor, and a memory cloth polymer cape. Some fast math brings the cost of this particular outfit to a cool $1.3 million. Only a little more expensive than what you find at Spirit Halloween. Then you got the wheels, baby. Batman famously likes to ride in style, with the Wayne Enterprise Applied Science division in Batman Begins, producing the Batmobile as a bridging vehicle for about $23 million. Then you got the Batpod, or the motorcycle Bruce uses in The Dark Knight. This comes in at around $1.8 million. But the real doozy here is the Batjet, which shows up in The Dark Knight Rises. This Harrier-esque vehicle, which is capable of VTOL hovering and has a custom shape that looks really cool when silhouetted against the moon, is estimated to cost around $69 million.
Good thing he got that bat credit card. Fun fact, that card has 0% APR. What gets you no travel points? Bruce, get a better card.
But if you want to know the biggest of Bruce's expenses, it's gotta be the Batcave. This subterranean hideaway beneath Wayne Manor is portrayed as the center of operations for our billionaire's one-man war on crime. He's got a supercomputer, training gym, forensics lab, secret entrances and exits for the various bat vehicles, the list goes on. This will require a massive space cleared out underneath Bruce's house.
Not to mention the bribes it would take to keep the crews quiet. Bruce, I'd do it for like 20 Slim Jims. But when you also need medical facilities, gun ranges, extra vehicles, you're looking at a price tag of over 777 million bucks. You've also got Alfred's paycheck as the full-time man-servant of the estate, which would probably top out somewhere around $240k a year. Damn, that's actually surprisingly low. I hope Bruce gives him health insurance.
If we also account for all the training and education Bruce would need to learn the required ninja skills, engineering, military pilot training and more, you're looking at an expense report of $874,590,000. Just to be Batman. When you consider Bruce's net worth, the cost of being Batman is actually not that much. It's actually just .01% of his net worth. At the end of the day, after paying for everything Batman needs, Bruce Wayne still has about $799 billion. With a B. Which brings us to our final question. What is the opportunity cost of Bruce Wayne's Batman budget against more traditional methods of lowering crime? Instead of investing in a Kevlar-padded crotch protector, what if Bruce put his money into investing, I don't know, community protection programs or social infrastructure for Gotham?
It's literally been proven that access to healthcare and affordable housing reduces crime. Wow. Keeping people housed, fed and healthy makes them want to commit less crimes.
Who knew? While it's true that Wayne Enterprises has the Wayne Foundation division, which engages in philanthropy and charity, respectfully, come the fuck on. We all know that's just a tax haven. I wouldn't be too surprised to learn that they do the trash pickups on the Cayman Islands, if you know what I mean. If Bruce Wayne is potentially worth 800 B's, the estate tax on that alone would be worth more than the entire net worth of someone like Elon Musk. The closest thing we have to a real-life supervillain.
Did you hear that he just put a computer chip in someone's brain? That's not going to end well. Yeah. Sorry to the guy with the computer chip in your brain, but that is not going to end well.
If we look at the real-life inspiration for Gotham City, New York City, we see that a recent report from the group United for Housing called for the mayor to pledge $2.5 billion to end homelessness. By our numbers, ending homelessness would only cost Bruce Wayne, like, two Batmans. Again, that's less than 1% of his overall net worth.
Uh, Bruce? If you want to end crime in Gotham, maybe we shouldn't give a concussion to people for stealing bread or whatever. Maybe if we invested a little bit in solving, I don't know, income inequality, that might work. You think? You think your parents would have been murdered for your mom's pearl necklace if the mugger had a steady job in health insurance? I don't think so. That's Mr. Wayne, isn't it?
That's a very brave thing you did. Trying to catch the light? Well, you weren't protecting the van. Why? Who's doing it? Thank you for watching Movie Math. I'm Britt Miggs.
And like and subscribe for more. We're going to be doing a lot more of these film video essays. If you have a topic that you want us to cover, hit us up.
If you want to yell at me about Batman, don't. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_116_Shane_Lee | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of The Batooter Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to The Batooter Advocate radio show, recording live from the Queensland Channel Country. A lot of big guests of late, say that at the start of every episode now.
Malcolm Turnbull, Bob Geldof. Sir Bob Geldof.
Even though he's Irish. And Geoff Thompson. So you mix those three together and you get today's guest. Geez. Thank you for joining us. Mr. Lee, Shane Lee.
How are you boys? Good, thanks mate. Thanks for having me. How are you? Look, I'm good. I'm good. I'm surviving this.
I think I've got three young kids at home and a wife that was working from home. So yeah, I came over to the pub to reopen. What are you doing day to day? Were you educating? Yeah, a little bit of homeschooling, a little bit of minding. My son starts school next year, so keeping him occupied. And then trying to do a bit of podcasting and I work with Spartan Sports as well during the day.
So yeah, dodging and weaving. And probably working a lot harder in isolation.
That was the dream. He was like, yeah, sit on the couch.
No.
So you've just come back from India in March. Did you just make the cut off? We just made the cut off. So I went over there to play in the World Masters. Not having played any cricket for 17 years.
None? None. Not much training either. Not even in the backyard? No. Zero, zero.
And I walked out to bat. I don't think they were going to take it that seriously, actually. I walked out to bat for Australia after 17 years against Sri Lanka, who had Lutheran and all these little Sri Lankan spinners, I can't pronounce their names.
Charming Devas. Yes, all those guys.
He was playing. And we were five for 17. Really? Five or 17 when I walked out to bat. And I walked off. We were six for 17. Who got you?
Herat. Yeah, herat, yeah.
That was a bit of a rat tough. So those Masters, they did Yankee Stadium as well. Is that the one? No, that was the All Star one back in 2015. That was Shane Warne's team versus Sachin Tendulkar's team. It was, but it was actually well followed over there. So in the stadium there was 80,000 people there to watch that. Pakistani and Jamaican. There'd be 80,000 expats there and they'd just been crying out to see Chris Gale hit a six at Yankee Stadium. And they got me fucking shuffling across one.
So 17 years since retirement? Yes. 17 years since your last health kick or regime?
Obviously now, I always wondered this with cricketers, like post-career, you wouldn't be doing anything remotely similar to the fitness of cricket. It'd be just gym and F-45 and that sort of stuff.
It was funny, the first weekend I had off from cricket after 20 years of cricket, I never grew up on boats, but I decided to buy a boat. Walked down to the Clontarf marina with one of my good mates who now runs KPMG, Andrew Yates. We looked at two boats and bought a big 38-foot Mustang, didn't know how to drive the frickin' thing.
And I took out my Kookaburra cricket kit, which I had for my whole career, and I did a ceremonial dumping and throwing off the cricket kit off the back. Which now I've got to say, and it's pretty stupid, but luckily I'm working at Spartan so I guess it's the cricket kit.
Yeah, just straight into the big blue bin of the harbour. Clontarf. I guess that's the state you're in, you're like, it's over. It's over. I'd had a gut full, but it's apparently a really good little reef off there now since we're catching some fish. Might get submerged. It's true.
So you retired obviously back in the halcyon days of Australian cricket. I've heard from a few players back then who were coached by John Buchanan. Hell yes, fuck. Later on, back in 2004, 2005, he started to take the pre-season very seriously. And that basically led to Stuart McGill having to take them to court because, as we all know, him and Shane just used to walk in from either end, and they've got the coach telling them to carry a jerrycan of water up a sand dune and back. And while trying to smoke a cigarette in the morning too as well, it was pretty full on. McGill didn't like the physical side of things. It's funny, when I was first picked for New South Wales, Captain Steve Rickson, the coach asked me, he said, I want to meet with you day one of the new season.
And I knew the first question he was going to ask is, how would I handle McGill? Because all I know is he's a fucking nutter, right? Yeah. Anyway, so the first question was, how are you going to handle McGill?
And I said, well, the way I'm going to do it, basically, he's big on the team dinners. And I said, he's blowing up that the young kids now don't understand wine and food. So give me a bigger budget, and I'll put him in charge of the team dinners.
And he did it. He loved it. And I said, I've got him on board. Beautiful. Then he said to me, Shane, next thing we're going to do, we're going to do paintball with Penrith. And I said, I've just got McGill on board. He's serious, right? And then I told him, and he abused me for that.
These kids can't understand things.
But he did it for me. We walked out there, and a commando was there waiting for us in his camouflage gear. And I said, Stu, just do it for me, mate. And he put on the gear, and then he got his gun and executed himself in the face and spun a yellow paint across his face. He says, I'm out. He went and sat back on the bus.
That is just the most Stuart McGill story I've ever heard. It's a public execution. He could have really hurt himself, too, with a paintball gun. But we had some good dinners that year, and we won the competition, so it was all good. Siege mentality.
Yes. So where did it all start? You and your brothers are king cricketers, obviously. Yep. I'm not playing for Australia, but Illawarra boys. Yes.
Were you a Steelworks family? Yeah, Dad. Dad was a metallurgist, BHP, for 40 years.
Right. Mum was a stay-at-home mum. Mm-hmm.
Yeah, it was a very, very modest upbringing. But it was really nice. We all went to Oak Flats High School.
Yeah, right. Yeah. Spent most of my formative years into mountables. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because there were about 4,000 Yugoslavs in one school. Yeah, population fluctuating. Yeah. Yeah, so you actually would have been the only Skips around, or you got a background? No, my gang then was pretty much, it was Michael Munt, the German, it was Roddy Otterson, the Peruvian, Tony Costa, the, where he's from, he's from Portugal, I think, then Tony Blackmore, the Aussie. Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah, every guest we've had from the South Coast had parents in the Steelworks. Yeah. Yeah, like. Volkanovsky. Yeah, that's it, yeah. And Dr. Carl. Yeah. He said that his old man, he did a similar job to that, where he was in like the science of metal. Yeah. But yeah, you know, I think Dr. Carl, his last name is bloody, you know. Dig a ditch. Yeah. As long as you're foreign. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Guys, I would love to see in one of those New South Wales teachers, you know, from New South Wales education get sent down there. Yeah. Learn these names. Yeah, that's right, yeah.
Yeah, a lot of nicknames in the South Coast, anyway. When did you start seeing that as a, this is what we're doing after school? I went cricket-wise?
Yeah. Oh, it was during school. Yeah. Yeah, I was, ended up going straight from Oak Flats to Campbelltown, that was the closest. Yeah. Great club. Yeah. Played first grade when I was 15. Mm-hmm. So Dad would basically come home from the Steelworks off a double night shift. Yeah. Put on the learner plates onto the white Commodore, and I would drive up to Campbelltown, he'd be sleeping. Yeah. Because I'm learning to drive. Yeah, it's a couple of hours, right? That's right, yeah. He said he had faith in me, or he was really tired of one of the two. Is that up the escarpment? Yeah. Oh, on the elbow plates, how pretty enticing. Not over it. Yeah. So, from Campbelltown, what was it like out there, what was the... It was hot. Yeah. It was dry. And then it was from Campbelltown, I thought, I need to move closer to the SCG, because it was taken, so I moved to Mossman then. Yeah, right. Yeah.
Big change. Not much of a change at all. Campbelltown to Mossman.
Yeah. The whole kind of time you were playing, was this, and I want to know if this was something from your childhood, there was guitars, there were bands, was that a... Well, Mum paid the piano. Right, right, right, right. Yeah, so there was a lot of sitting around singing Swanee River and that sort of stuff when we were younger, but yeah, it was a really good, I decided to learn guitar at 22. Yeah, right.
Gavin Robertson, who was New South Wales' Australian cricketer, and a really good drummer, actually drummed a bit with the Angels too, by the way, I started to learn, he said, we should put a band together. So we got Brett to learn the bass, and we got Brad McNamara to learn guitar as well, and we had a guy called Richard Cheekway, who was half Samoan, half Chinese, Samoan bodied Chinese penis, bad combination, but a great front man. I bet he got that one on stage. Thank you to Cheeks. Yeah, a front man with no front.
Did the music come before the cricket? No, no, same sort of time, but yeah, cricket was, sounds funny, but looking back, from about 14, 15, I only ever thought I was going to play for Australia.
Not arrogantly, but I think you have to think like that to get to that sort of level. It's that Jordan mentality, right?
Yeah, yeah. What an amazing doco.
But it looks delusional at the time, but if you're not thinking that way, you're not going to... You're not.
And the backyard guys are really competitive, and you know, I was the older side, Matt Furst and Brett Woodbow, and poor younger brother Grant, nicknamed Dud, Dudley, he, he had the fields. He retired at 19. Well, no, because they call the older war brother Korea.
Yes.
The forgotten war.
Yeah. So what's Dudley doing now? Mate, he's a chartered accountant, works for the Commonwealth Bank.
Well, that's good he went that way, because sometimes the overshadowing brothers and sporting greats end up in the back corner of a pub, abusing people. It could have been me. So how much credit do you take for Brett's career then? I take a bit. I definitely bully him around, but you know, he's got to take a lot of credit too.
He did bloody well. Brett had a broken back at 16, like pretty much a broken back, was in a back brace from 16 to 18. How was that? Well, he was stiff, wasn't he? I remember I took him out when he turned 18 for his first drink, and he had a full back brace on. Really? I was drinking bloody port and lemonade.
Anyway, he didn't do that well that night, but his older brother might have. I always wondered this, and the same with the wars, in those environments, particularly, you know, when you're playing top level, no one's really, you're all mates, everyone's teammates, but it's not, you know, you have your own circle back home, I guess, and you've got your brother with you. So how did that- Yeah, that was nice. A lot of my mates were mates away from cricket, and you sort of, I look back now and see the guys that didn't have that, the Aussie team, they've actually, they've struggled after sport, when it all finishes, because you are in a real bubble, but- You can't hang out with the team for the rest of your life.
No, you can't. A lot of you don't want to either. Get away from me!
I know, all that you really hear now, like if there's anything that's coming out of like the old cricket team of, you know, like from years ago, it's always like X doesn't get along with X, and this happened. We all know that like, Stuart and Shane, arguably two of the best in the world at what they were doing, but they were chalk and cheese. I think there was a mutual respect there between them, but I think it really helped, it really helped McGill having Warnie in front of him, because people would always say to Stu, you know, like mate, it could be anything, but when Stu was given the reins in the end, he imploded with it. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, well, he was old and fucked like Shane was. I mean, like, he was an old man.
The greatest can't be captains as well sometimes. Well, Warnie wanted to be captain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He still wants to be captain. He's just too Victorian.
He was great on the field, but I remember the 1996 World Cup, I was first selected as a young 23-year-old all-rounder, and we got there and Warnie was really nice and he sort of took me in, you know, it's going to be the Shane show. Me and you, the Shane show, the Shane show, it's the Shane show. Rise of the Shains. And Steve Ward pulled me aside and goes, how you going with Warnie? I said, look, he's been really nice to me. He goes, mate, do you remember when you were at school and there was a kid at school that had no mates, and this new kid comes to school and the kid with no mates will have that new kid? He said, you're that new kid and Warnie's the fucking kid with no mates. So just be aware, buddy. He was unreal. And then basically he said, so the Eden Gardens Cup cutter opening ceremony was going live to a billion people, and each player from around the world was walked out by an Indian model. I was single at the time and Warnie was single on tour.
So he said, well, I'll get the best two for us, the Shane show, the Shane show. The Shane show.
And we lined up these two girls and we had one drink and we're going back to their place and we think it's all going to happen. And then we got there and there's a whole extended family there and we spent the whole night signing autographs and having a bloody meal.
I said, oh, the Shane show, really? And he goes, don't tell the boys that. We were talking about it with that whole documentary, The Last Dance.
I was trying to figure out, you've got all the archetypes of a team there. Obviously, you've got 2IC and Pippin. You've got the supreme leader in Jordan.
And I was wondering, who is Australia's Rodman? And the closest I can get is Warnie.
He is. Yeah, he was. Yeah, he would be.
Just a bit of a kook. Might look a little bit different in the shower, I reckon.
But Warnie, he's the best cricketer I ever saw or played with, definitely. He's a freak of a cricketer and a great cricket brain. He's got good stats everywhere. And he's got an incredible presence on Instagram. He has.
So what was the feeling amongst the playing group, both state and Australian playing group, or just the Australian cricketing scene when you guys started playing songs and doing shows? Because that hadn't happened before, right? Tom and I would go pigging. And people would have their own interests. But you guys were on rage. Well, we were. Brett was dressing like bros. The guys were supportive. Some of them, the older guys, looked back and go, what the hell are you guys doing, right? Let's rock and roll, you know? You wouldn't understand.
We did our first gig. It was at the Doug Walters Club's luncheon. We played one song. It was Stand By Me. It had three chords. And in the audience was a guy called Garth Porter who was in the band Sherbet. And he actually said to us, guys, we could do something here.
And I'm getting signed by EMI Records. And we were appalling when we got signed. We were a really bad band. But after about 500 live gigs now, we're OK. You even got your own cover bands. Oh, yes, we do.
Tell us a little bit about that tour. I don't know if some of the crickets we've interviewed in here, Whitney, Tomo, of course, and they talk about that era where you'd go away for fucking four months to the Caribbean. You didn't catch those mega tours.
Oh, you had a World Cup. The World Cup in Sri Lanka and India and Pakistan, that was about three and a half months. But come on, yeah. Imagine if we played cricket in Italy. That'd be fun. The Italian World Cup, trust me. It'd be a lot better than going to Wolverhampton. It was good times, but it's now more condensed just because of the amount of cricket.
Yeah, we saw there was an interesting yarn came out the other day about the real life Lord of the Flies. It was a bunch of Tongan teenagers ended up in that scenario. Because they were island kids, it didn't descend into chaos because they were used to the isolation as opposed to the story of the English boys that start eating each other.
They had this thing where it was timeouts, and they just had a system where you could just avoid one another because you need to. How did you go three months in without killing each other on tour? You get less and less, particularly on an Indian tour.
It all starts off, everything's nice and you're great, and then when your room service doesn't get there on time, it's just a laugh, but by the end of it, you're abusing everyone. And then one person gets sick. And then you all get sick. That's right, and then you're going into your self-isolation, like 10 times what we're experiencing now, and just close the blinds and lock everyone out.
But halfway through my career, you had a roommate, and then the second half you didn't. So that was easy, you could close the door and put Do Not Disturb on the door. Who was the worst person you had to room with?
Michael Bevan.
He's an insomniac, he's a weird unit anyway. I remember waking up one night, and he's always, do not wake me up if you come in. And I'd come in really quiet after, might have a couple of beers at 10 o'clock, and sort of slide into bed, and then he'd just see his eyes staring at you, like, wake me up, right? And then you go to sleep, and you sort of hear in the darkness, like, what are you doing over there?
And he's doing set-ups, so I thank God for that, right? That's a bad visual, I know.
Who was the best then? Good tourists. I was going really well with Damian Fleming. He's a good guy, funny guy. Bradley Hodges is a good guy. Damian Martin was a good fellow, he's a bit of a weird unit now.
No, he's from Darwin. Not a lot of cricketers come out of Darwin, do they? No. Tropic fever here.
Steve Warr was always an interesting guy on tour, took interest in that. Mark's changed a lot since he's retired. He's quite more worldly now. You still see him ringside at heavyweight boxing matches.
Hanging out with colorful racing identities. That's right. Tap ticker's still hanging out of your pockets. Did they used to do that, where they'd pair you up with an, I mean, obviously, apart from the Shane Show, did they ever pair you up with any old heads that they thought would be good for you? Well, my first roommate from New South Wales was Mark Taylor. Yeah, right.
So it was, I was only like 18 or something, and you have a team dinner first night, and then after dinner, he goes, well, what are you doing? I said, well, what are you doing? He goes, well, what are you doing? I said, well, what are you doing? I'll do whatever you do, right?
He said, no, if you want to go have a beer with the guys, I said, I'll come home with you, Mark. He said, well, I was Australian captain, and then get into bed and go, what do you want to watch again? What do you want to watch again? Like, that whole thing goes on.
You want to turn the light off? No, you turn the light off.
Just spit me out of here, right? So you opted to go for a beer after that, every night after that? Haven't stopped drinking since. Am I running into Tubby? Every pub you go to is an opportunity to escape after that, Tubby.
You ended up at the AIS before all this on an Academy scholarship. Yep. Did that mean you had to go to Canberra? No, that was in Adelaide. Yeah, that was the cricket academy. Yes, that was, yeah.
Based down at Henley Beach. Real ordinary part of the world, Henley Beach. Good arctic winds.
Yeah, there is, yeah. That was under Rod Marsh, was the head coach, and Justin Langer was his assistant coach after playing a couple of test matches back then. But it was a really good academy bunch. They had Andrew Simons, they had McGraw was there, Ricky Ponting. Were you there at the same time as him? Yeah, yeah. Jimmy Marr, the guy Jason Alberge played for Victoria and New South Wales. Yeah, a lot of guys, and most guys that are playing quite a lot for their state and Australia. Yeah, right. What was Ponting like in full flight during the Punta era? Well, he was a bit younger, so he would, he was interesting.
All he did was bet on the horses. Yeah. Or bet on dogs, yeah.
And he was apparently a disgusting roommate. He was a bad ode, just came out of that room. And he was young, but he was an amazing player.
Yeah. The guy played scratch golf as well, you know. Yeah, right. Yeah.
Just a competitive animal? I wouldn't call him an animal. He's not a great looking bloke. Who was the most competitive?
You start, like, who's the clinical kind of psychopathic off of McGraw? McGraw, yeah.
I was about to say it had to be Pigeon. Oh, mate, I remember him, and he started pulling out these, like, photo albums. I went, no, that's nice. He'd bring pictures of his kids. No, they were all just dead pigs that he shot. No, no, I'm joking. There was, like, at least a thousand pictures of him with a gun standing over a dead pig. A couple of other pictures turned a bit later.
Well, you don't sleep that well after you see that and pick your roommates. Oh, man, that's the one thing about cricket. Everyone loves to get caught up in the romance of rugby league or AFL identities, more so in league. But you get a few in the AFL. You get your fucking dusties, your cappers and stuff. But it's almost like the lack of show ponies or peacocks in cricket is the most interesting thing, because you've got all these people on surface, they just look like squares.
But they've all got their very, very bizarre character traits. Yeah, well, the thing about cricketers and also cricket supporters, because it goes for so long. They have such long to be absolutely crazy idiots, right? Yeah, you spend a lot of time sitting around a change room when it's raining, and it's, like, talking absolute shit, right, trying to make up the time. But yeah, some quirky.
Yeah, and the fans have got your numbers. They've got your stats in their heads. God, yeah. And they yell at you. They do.
Beatlemania. That's right. Take it easy, mate. So have you ever had that experience? Because anyone who visits India, and myself, I'm a taller guy, so there is just this assumption that you might be playing cricket for Australia as a tall white man from Australia. Have you ever been put in that situation where you have to hail your own cab in India? No. And I've just told mates. My mates have come over there. I said, you're Tom Murti, because he looks a bit like Tom Murti. And you're saying, hey, you've got the same treatment, right?
I remember in India walking past a big bunch of big, big group of Indian guys out in the street, and they were all just kept their eyes on me, just to see if they recognized me. And then as I walked past, I pretended to roll the arm over, just to wind them up. And they stayed silent. I kept walking 10 more steps, and I hear, wade.
That's good, Chad boys. That's good.
You also dabbled in acting. No, I didn't. Didn't I?
No, that was Brett. Brett?
He is a fine actor. A fine actor. He did Bollywood, mate.
Yeah. All right.
I watched a movie of his the other day. I thought you were just a family of thespians, sorry. Au contraire. I watched a movie of his the other day on Stan. I think it's called Un-Indian.
Yeah, that one. Yes.
It was a big hit in India, though. That was the goodwill hunting of Bollywood that year. I was glued to it. Well, Brett and I actually went over years ago. We were invited to Singapore, because they do the Bollywood awards in a different country every year. Anyway, we were live in Singapore, in a stadium of about 8,000 people.
And it was going live. We were going to be in, as always. And Brett and I are sitting next to the president, and the wife at the front there. We're going to present an award. And the guy comes out.
He goes, hello, Singapore. Hello, India. Very welcome here today. Very good to be here.
And then his teleprompter broke down. And it's like dead air. And he goes, this is very embarrassing. How could you expect this in the technology capital of the world? Anyway, we'll go to it. And he throws it out. And the fireworks goes off. And I shot him in the hand.
He's dancing around like this. This is brilliant. Let's dance. Yeah, let's dance.
Well, it is interesting, particularly with Brett now still bouncing around. He's played more recently than you. Yeah, he has. He retired about five years ago. Yeah.
And he's doing all that time in a back brace. Yeah, moving hot in India in a back brace. But he spends a lot of time still in India. But he spends a lot of time still in India now commentating for Sky Sports over there.
Does he like it there? He does. He does like it. He speaks a bit of the Hindi as well now. And he makes a lot of money over there. And they like him. He's always respected the culture.
He works hard over there. But he still spends three months a year over there. And you're working from pretty early in the morning right through the night. So he works bloody hard.
Yeah, it sounds tough. And it's loud. It's so loud at all times. And that's why it's exhausting.
Because you can't, well, he can't in particular go to a restaurant or anything. He just gets mobbed.
So we've asked this question to every cricketer that we've had on the show. And it's to do with the ball tampering that happened. If you were to tamper a ball, hypothetically, would you use a little square of sandpaper to perhaps scruff up one side? And if I did a bunning sponsorship prior to it, prior to it, it wasn't the best idea, was it?
It was a bloody point. And I was actually, I remember watching that game live. I was at a mate's tennis day up in North Shore. And we finished. We were having a few beers. We were watching it. And I picked it straight away.
I said, something's not right there. Some yellow thing in his pants. And I said, this is going to be bad. And it was like poorly what we did. And it's done a lot of damage to Australian cricket. Well, there was a bit of a kind of mob. A bit of an overreaction. It was a witch hunt.
That footage of Smith getting dragged through the airport to get on the plane. Then think about what he's done for another 12 hours back in the year. And then face a press conference without sleeping.
Well, mate, and also, there's a duty of care, right, that wasn't fulfilled in this bloody integrity unit. Who the fuck are they, right? Never, never been named.
Start off with David Warner's, that wife and thing with Sonny Bill. That starts it all.
And then Crit Australia, nothing about it. They let it roll on. And then David Warner gets a little punch up. Second test. Crit Australia still do nothing. And the third test, the ball tampering. And then the bit that the worst thing is that Smith and that go straight and have a press conference. Still no Crit Australia there to say, guys.
And they're laughing about it. Well, whatever.
And the umpires didn't change the ball.
So they've admitted to murder. And it was only attempted murder.
Yeah. But my favorite one is when they had that little dust up on the way into the change rooms and they said, um. But de cock. Yeah, de cock. But faff is the most alpha man ever to break up a fight wearing a towel. Yeah, that's right. And he was caught tampering the ball, like, less than a year earlier. And he was like, you got me. Yeah. I was rubbing the ball on my zipper. Yeah.
And he got two matches and a fine. And the keeper, Boucher, he got caught. He had sand and araldite on his glove and he'd catch it and just rub it. And he got a $6,000 fine.
Well, that's the real question we ask. Whitney gave us some insight. And obviously, Whitney and Tomo will tell you whatever you want to hear. And they said, well, I fucking done it as well. Yeah. And in my day, let me tell you, Tomo told us that he pulled out a razor blade and used to almost cut the thing into quarters.
Yeah, he was like, he goes, I've run this razor blade right over the side and I've bowled it and the ball's just falling to bits. And the umpires haven't looked at it and gone, I've never seen anything like this in my life. This ball's bouncing hard. He had a Gillette razor in his pocket. So hypothetically, if you were going to tamper a ball, how would you do it? Well, you used to throw the ball on its side onto the other rough pitches or you'd dive into the fence and just scrape it along the cement. But it's pretty hard now because the umpires and you've got all these cameras on you.
You're crazy to do it.
Do you believe it does? Is this a cricket superstition? Because some people don't believe it.
Definitely does it, mate. Definitely does it.
And where's the line as well? That's another question because now we're talking about social distancing and isolation. Spits are loud. It's not loud.
Yeah, that's right. And some of the sporting companies are looking at bringing out some sort of gunk or something to replace sweat. Gets caught, someone catches. Who's going to endorse the gunk? I don't know. This will work as well. I think we owe it to Smudge to give him a little bit of a Christmas bonus after everything that happened.
Yeah, what was your thinking? Did you ever think it was going to get as bad as it did? You said you were with a bunch of mates watching it. Was there a moment where you were like, no, no, no, no. I said, no, no. Straight away I knew it was going to be a disaster.
I knew it was going to be worldwide news. And there's rumors going around that the Aussie team were told prior to that, too. They warned. They saw something going on, potentially, like the game before, allegedly.
OK, boys, don't use the bright orange tape. Use the yellow stuff today.
That's right, yeah. So you, like a lot of cricketers, end up doing lunches. And that's where we've found this is where you've ended up with your podcast, Lunch with Lee. Tell us a little bit about delving into that world. Because obviously, when you are an ex-player, you speak at an event, or you're kind of just a guest at an event, you've got to deal with the punters. Yep. Because you're making their week. They get a photograph with you. They go home. You know, he's a good bloke. Yeah. And then they see you again a year later and expect you to remember their name.
I remember walking off the MCG, taking five for 33 of my best figures, catching up with my two best mates that had flown down to see me play the match. And I thought, I've really done it. I've done it for Australia. I've taken five for 33.
You sort of know when someone recognizes you. And it's this guy. There's nowhere to lie. He's lying in the gutter. And he sort of just lifts his head up and says, Lee, you're fucking shit. And then claps back in the gutter.
Thanks, mate. Thank you, mate. I'll just step over you there. Sorry.
So what was the transition like out of cricket? Did you make enough contacts in the sport to try and make that process a bit easier, or did you just cut the cord?
No, I was very, very conscious of that. I went to university and did a psychology science degree and then co-founded a media business, which I built up and sold. So I was very conscious of that.
There's a fine line. Like Brent always used to say, he had no fallback position. So he had to perform. And he said he would be fucking in big trouble if he couldn't bowl. But I like to have the balance and the security of having something else as well. And also, mate, you don't want to be thinking about cricket 24-7, does you? Head him. Fair dinkum.
It's worse than golf. People say to me, why don't you still play great cricket? And I say, because you play on a parched outfield, a parched throat, and every second bloke calls you a prick.
That's true. Yeah, I remember that.
The great cricketer had a good one. The great cricketer is another podcast. But during the gay marriage vote, they put out a tweet saying, to all the great cricketers out there, vote yes. Because in the eyes of a fourth grade wicket keeper, we're all gay.
And they're bringing those guys. The podcasting, Lunch with Lee, has been fantastic. I thought, what have I done 10,000 hours at? Obviously that cricket and lunch. So I'm a bit of an expert at lunch. So the idea is to have across my three passions, sport, music, and business, and have guests from those backgrounds.
But the underlying thing is a little bit about men's health. I think since I turned 46 years ago, a lot of my mates are going to get divorced, or they're going through some pretty bad stuff, and health stuff, and scares. And as blokes, we sort of self-diagnose. A bit more breakable after 40, you reckon.
Very much so. After a few lunches. That's right.
But I'm not trying to say the world with this, but it's a good laugh. One comes out next Monday with Michio Lachlan, a guy called Stu Gregoire, who makes four pillars gin, and Michio Lachlan, former Swans player. And that was no serious chat. That was just a really, really good laugh, talking about sport and booze.
It's too easy. I mean, it's a little bit different to cricket, but. Not really. So what's the setup?
You just sit down, bottle of red, and a bit of lunch. Yeah, it's over lunch. So we'll be doing it at different restaurants. And we sit down, and we'll order a meal, and we'll have a chat, and laugh, and have a few drinks, and then a bite to eat.
Yeah, kitchen cabinet, basically. Kitchen cabinet. It's someone else's kitchen.
That's it. I'll get paid to go to lunch, and that's great. My wife says, what are you doing today? I say, I'm going to work, babe. I'm off to lunch. Off to icebergs. That's right. Gambaros. Yeah, that's right. I'm working.
What is, I guess, with the relationship you maintain with the guys you play, do you do the reunions? Is there a? It's funny you say that. We've actually got in touch with Matthew Nicholson, who was in the cricket academy in Adelaide. We're going to a reunion for next year. Oh, right. 15 years or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll be fun. Looking forward to that. Because there's always, I mean, you can always call a reunion, right, if you had a good playing group.
Well, favorite one I saw the other day was the old Western Reds from the 80s. Remember that Super League flash in the pan? They had a. Three teeth between them. Yeah, three actual players between them, too. They had a reunion at the Greyhound track in Perth the other day. It looked glorious.
But you've got a few of your name. You've got the World Cup, and you've got an Australian cricket side and that kind of stuff.
How does that, do you find it back in the room that it's the same kind of? It is a bit boring. Yeah. Things hasn't changed. You're still looking for a bit of action. No, it's good. I think some guys, some guys, yeah, most guys never really change. Some of them are a bit more insular now. Head down, maybe embarrassed how they carried on back in the day. But yeah, it's good. But it's like a school reunion.
I didn't go to my Oak Flats one. Thank God I didn't.
It was a full-on punch-up. Yeah, really? Yes. How good. And that was just the girls. Scrap fight. Yeah, the extensions came out. So it is funny in those reunions, too, because the blokes have kind of gone on to make a fair bit of coin. They kind of keep their heads a bit lower. They do, yeah.
Yeah, my bloke comes in. I've got a team out of my house in South of France. Anyone want a cigar? Well, mate, we're excited to hear a bit more of these lunch with Lees. Yeah. I look forward to any other guest you got locked in coming up. Yeah, I'm looking at Jimmy Barnes. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that should be a good lunch, that one. Southern Island somewhere. Yeah, end of July.
Piers Morgan coming up. Oh, he would have followed your career intent. He's a mad, mad cricket fan, yeah.
But some really good guests. Some more in and around rugby league and AFL and some music ones as the tours start coming out here. We'll get a few of the musos in. And it's a very different dynamic having a lunch with a couple of ex-sportsmen and a couple of current musicians. They finish at very different hours.
Hey, I brought a guitar here, Jimmy. Do you want to just try a little bit of case art? Live? I can't play.
I'll just sing. You play it. I'll sing.
Yeah, well, that sounds good, everyone. So for the listeners, lunch with Lee. Yeah, it's well and truly ripping off. The next big thing, I guess, Australia's Joe Rogan. Yeah, there we go. Yeah, we start talking about psychedelics and different political theories a bit later. Maybe next season we'll get into that stuff. But now it's music, business, and sport, which we all love.
And lunch.
Yep. Thanks for joining us. Thanks, boys. Have fun. |
dropout | our_worst_hangovers_ever | My worst hangover story ever comes from when I was a bartender. One night after our shift, the whole staff of the restaurant went out drinking. It was what I like to call a Noah's Ark night. I had two of every animal. And right around 3, 3.30 in the morning, I said, oh no, I have a brunch shift tomorrow at 10 in the morning. That's going to be a nightmare. But, I had a solution. I'm two blocks from the restaurant. I'll just go sleep there. We had a couch in a garden that would have been a lovely place to sleep. What happened next is truly gone. I did wake up at the restaurant, not on the couch, but asleep behind the bar. I had sweat through my shirt. My hair was crazy. And I woke up an hour and a half late for my shift. The restaurant was open. People were enjoying their brunch. Somehow no one had noticed me asleep back there. So I'm panicking, and I say, I've got to apologize to the manager.
Has anybody seen him?
And they said, don't worry about it. It's not going to know.
Cliff is asleep on the couch in the garden. He was out with you last night. And to this day, I resent him beating me to that couch. My worst hangover story comes from when I was studying abroad in Berlin, Germany on a class trip.
I had never drank in my life, and I walked into a bar. Two beautiful women looked at me and said, hey, you kind of look like Jesse McCartney. Let's buy you a shot. And then after one shot, I was like, yeah, maybe I am Jesse McCartney. I shot four, I was singing to the bar, shot five, I was signing autographs.
Ended up at my apartment at 4 AM, realizing I had to get on a train at 6 AM. Get on the train only to find out that there's no AC, so I am now sporting a hangover in 90 degree weather. Got to Dresden. Thought I'd be able to go back to the hotel and take a nap, but instead went on a four-hour walking tour with my entire class, still on one and a half hours of sleep, and still very hungover. My worst hangover story would have to be my 23rd birthday.
I decided to camp on the beach, and it was great. Like, it was absolutely beautiful. No one's around. It's just my friends and my dog. It's picture perfect.
We make a little campfire. We're roasting marshmallows, having a bunch of drinks, just getting super slammed. And that's when it's like a little fuzzy, and we wake up at 5 AM to a frequent storm. It was like 50 to 60 mile an hour winds just slamming the tent back and forth over us.
And mind you, I'm very hungover. It was my birthday the night before, and all I wanted to do is stay asleep.
So I try and convince everyone that that's what we should do. We should just wait it out. It's all going to pass.
But my dog's like, nah, we can't stay here. So we have to fight this tent from the wind as the poles break. It's basically a parachute with broken pieces of sharp plastic attached to it. So ultimately, we just kind of push it towards the car, shove it in the back around my dog, then drive the car home about an hour through mostly rural farmland that reeks of onions and manure.
Terrible hangover. Still probably my best birthday. My worst hangover story was my 21st birthday, of course. I remember taking a shot with one of my friends and then setting it down and then waking up in my bed with a trash can with all my friends around me. And I was just like, what happened? And then I see this giant chunk of my hair on the floor, and my friend had to admit that she had cut my hair the night before. I was like, okay, well, cool, happy birthday to me. My worst hangover came back when I was tutoring. And one night, I went out and I got super drunk for no reason.
And the next day, I had forgotten that I had a tutor, so I had to go into the classroom with 15 little children just totally hungover. And these kids are out of control. I have one kid up on a table just screaming. Everybody else is just running around, banging on things, throwing things. It's like they know that I'm hungover and they're trying to mess with me. And then the only good one out of them, the tiny little runt of the litter, came up to me with their sad little eyes and was like, everybody's being so loud. I'm like, yeah, I know, I'm hungover.
You aren't. What's your excuse? What's your problem? Go sit down.
Draw a tooth. And this, of course, was the day that the kids' parents come in. So now, I have to be tutoring the kids and also showing the parents what a great tutor I am. But of course, this is the point where then the kids start correcting me. I was pointing out bones and they knew that it wasn't the right bone. The little bit of lesson that I did get out was totally inaccurate.
It was a complete mess. The worst hangover I have ever had. Thanks for watching. This video is brought to you by Vitacoco, which would have made any of these hangover stories a lot less terrible. I'm hungover right now, so that's where I'm at.
Staff of the restaurant went out drinking. It was what I like to call a Noah's Ark night. I had two of every animal. And right around 3, 3.30 in the morning, I said, oh no, I have a brunch shift tomorrow at 10 in the morning. That's going to be a nightmare. But I had a solution. I'm two blocks from the restaurant. I'll just go sleep there. We had a couch in a garden that would have been a lovely place to sleep. What happened next is truly gone. I did wake up at the restaurant, not on the couch, but asleep behind the bar. I had sweat through my shirt. My hair was crazy. And I woke up an hour and a half late for my shift. The restaurant was open. People were enjoying their brunch. Somehow no one had noticed me asleep back there. So I'm panicking, and I say, I've got to apologize to the manager.
Has anybody seen him? And they said, don't worry about it. Cliff's not going to know.
Cliff is asleep on the couch in the garden. He was out with you last night. And to this day, I resent him beating me to that couch.
My worst hangover story comes from when I was studying abroad in Berlin, Germany. On a class trip, I had never drank in my life, and I walked into a bar.
Two beautiful women looked at me and said, hey, you kind of look like Jesse McCartney. Let's buy you a shot. And then after one shot, I was like, yeah, maybe I am Jesse McCartney. By, like, shot four, I was singing to the bar. Shot five, I was signing autographs.
Ended up at my apartment at 4 a.m., realizing I had to get on a train at 6 a.m. I get on the train only to find out that there's no AC.
So I am now sporting a hangover in 90-degree weather. Got to Dresden, thought I'd be able to go back to the hotel and take a nap, but instead went on a four-hour walking tour with my entire class, still on one and a half hours of sleep, and still very hungover. My worst hangover story would have to be my 23rd birthday.
I decided to camp on the beach, and it was great. Like, it was absolutely beautiful. No one's around. It's just my friends and my dog. It's picture perfect.
We make a little campfire. We're roasting marshmallows.
Having a bunch of drinks, just getting super slammed. And that's when it's like a little fuzzy, and we wake up at 5 a.m. to a freak windstorm. It was like 50 to 60 mile an hour winds just slamming the tent back and forth over us. And mind you, I'm very hungover. It was my birthday the night before, and all I wanted to do is stay asleep.
So I try and convince everyone that that's what we should do. We should just wait it out. It's all going to pass, but my dog's like, nah, we can't stay here. So we have to fight this tent from the wind as the poles break. It's basically a parachute with broken pieces of sharp plastic attached to it. So ultimately, we just kind of push it towards the car, shove it in the back around my dog, then drive the car home about an hour through mostly rural farmland that reeks of onions and manure.
Terrible hangover. Still probably my best birthday. My worst hangover story was my 21st birthday, of course. I remember taking a shot with one of my friends and then setting it down and then waking up in my bed with a trash can with all my friends around me.
And I was just like, what happened? And then I see this giant chunk of my hair on the floor. And my friend had to admit that she had cut my hair the night before. I was like, OK, well, cool. Happy birthday to me.
My worst hangover came back when I was tutoring. And one night, I went out and I got super drunk for no reason. And the next day, I had forgotten that I had a tutor. So I had to go into the classroom with 15 little children just totally hungover.
And these kids are out of control. I have one kid up on a table just screaming. Everybody else is just running around, banging on things, throwing things.
It's like they know that I'm hungover and they're trying to mess with me. And then the only good one out of them, the tiny little runt of the litter, came up to me with their sad little eyes and was like, everybody's being so loud. I'm like, yeah, I know. I'm hungover.
You aren't. What's your excuse? What's your problem? Go sit down. Draw a tooth.
And this, of course, was the day that the kids' parents come in. So now, I have to be tutoring the kids and also showing the parents what a great tutor I am. But of course, this is the point where then the kids start correcting me.
I was pointing out bones and they knew that it wasn't the right bone. And the little bit of lesson that I did get out was totally inaccurate.
It was a complete mess, the worst hangover I have ever had. Thanks for watching. This video is brought to you by Vitacoco, which would have made any of these hangover stories a lot less terrible. I'm hungover right now. So that's where I'm at. |
TheOnion | Outbreaks_In_Victorian_England_Confirm_Coronavirus_Can_Spread_Through_Time_The_Topical_Ep_34 | And later, if you're too scared to go out to the store to buy hand sanitizer, don't worry. We'll show you how to make your own at home that tastes just like the real thing.
From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. If you meant to tune in to a podcast called The Tropical or The Topic, you're in the wrong place. But if not, then stay with us. The Topical is presented by Cash App, the number one finance app in the App Store. Listen, I'm not just a podcast host, I'm also a businessman. I started out with nothing but a $20 bill and a Fisher Price tape recorder, and through hard work and perseverance, I built a massive podcast empire and completely shattered my personal life.
So what do you say we make a deal? You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. You download Cash App today and get $10 by signing up using promo code Topical, and I'll scratch your back right here in the OPR office for as long as you want. Deal? Deal.
Don't miss out. Download Cash App today.
Troubling news today after the World Health Organization warned that outbreaks in Victorian England have confirmed that the coronavirus is capable of spreading through time. Here to discuss this development is OPR's Alan Potts, who is not our health correspondent or anything, he just has the right tone of voice for this story. Alan, welcome. Glad to be here. So what do we know about these outbreaks so far? Well, the announcement comes after time traveling officials confirmed that an eight year old chimney sweep from 1860s London has tested positive for the COVID-19 virus. Just listen to the statement made by World Health Organization officials. We have received confirmation from several Victorian physicians that the soot covered ragamuffin symptoms were in fact consistent with coronavirus. It's unclear how he contracted the virus, but this disease transmission across space and time signals a new phase in the coronavirus epidemic.
Preliminary efforts to treat the boy with amputation and bloodletting have so far proved unsuccessful, and he remains, or remained, he's in critical condition. That's terrifying. What can people do to protect themselves? Containment is crucial. Health officials have already issued a time travel advisory to anyone visiting errors before the invention of antiviral medication and they're urging anyone born after the year 1837 to wash their hands after throwing their chamber pots full of human feces into the street. The importance of following these measures cannot be overstated. Just listen to this Victorian child who was infected in the outbreak.
Excuse me, mister. Got a spare handkerchief to blow me nose in? Sorry, I don't. Die me, Will. I just nose it. Sorry to bother.
Wow, that's terrible. But how exactly does the virus spread through the space-time continuum? Scientists are still hard at work trying to figure that out. Bless you. And Alan, what's the worst case scenario here? What effects could the coronavirus have if it were to, say, make its way into the deeper past? That is definitely a concern because what we're realizing here is that no one in any time period is truly safe. We're just now getting reports that the virus has already caused Rome to fall 200 years ahead of schedule. It has absolutely wiped out everyone who had been able to survive the plague. And even the baby Jesus is being treated in the old city of Jerusalem for symptoms. So unless we develop a vaccine soon, there's no telling how far this will go.
Well, that brings up an interesting question. Are health officials worried about any potential butterfly effects from tampering with the past? That is something they're taking into consideration. But so far, humanity is still here. So health experts are hopeful that they can get people, both past and present, the treatment they need without any major ramifications. That's good to know. But let me ask you something else. A lot of people have been wondering about this.
Oh, no, what's happening? What do you mean? Oh, my God, no, you're flickering in and out of existence. Leslie, what's happening? Leslie? Oh, that was weird. Probably best not to worry about it.
Yeah, that's OPR's Alan Potts. According to AARP, the average cost for a hearing aid is about $2,300. But what if you can't afford one or your insurance doesn't cover it? Well, Miracle Ears just announced that it'll be releasing a new version of their hearing aids for free. So what's the catch? OPR's Jenna Resnick has the story. I'm here at Miracle Ears headquarters in Minneapolis, and that L'Oreal commercial is the first thing that 74-year-old Nora Baker has heard clearly in decades. Nora has severe hearing loss, and she is one of the first to receive Miracle Ears new hearing aid, the Ear Spot Free.
Oh, thank you. Thank you. We love you, grandma. I'm sorry.
What was that, dear? With the Ear Spot Free, users can enjoy crisp, crystal clear audio while short commercials that run anywhere from 10 seconds to a minute long play every five minutes directly into their ear canal. And because the hearing aid is 100% supported through in-ear advertisements, it costs the user absolutely nothing. And Nora, how are you enjoying? Just a minute, dearie. I can't hear you over, Pepsi. Okay, what's that? How are you liking the hearing aids?
Oh, it's like a miracle. They've given me my life back. I can't tell you how grateful I am.
It's like they say, there are some things money can't buy. But for everything else, there's MasterCard. With a long wait list for the cost-friendly hearing aid, Nora was lucky to get in early, mostly because she's in the market for a new car. Another customer lucky enough to score an Ear Spot Free is 65-year-old Dale Stitt. But the free service didn't come without some hiccups. I'll admit at first it was driving me crazy.
Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. And I don't even own a cat.
But then one day, I was talking to my neighbor about how I need a new lawnmower. And suddenly, I started getting John Deere ads.
Oh, here's one now. They're still a little loud, but hey, free is free. And smarter ad targeting is just the beginning. For those who find the ad experience to be a little too intrusive, Miracolier announced that it's developing a new version of its hearing aid that, once surgically implanted into the customer's cochlea, will be able to transmit advertisements subliminally, straight to the user's subconscious. Sounds like the future of affordable hearing may be here sooner than we think. For OPR, I'm Jenna Resnick. Hear that?
That's the sound of a rock hard erection you can only get from the performance-enhancing chewables at BlueChew.com. With the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis, the chewables from BlueChew work faster so you can last longer. No in-person doctor visit, no awkward conversation, no waiting in line at the pharmacy, no having to pull out your limp penis at CVS to prove the prescription's yours. It only takes a few minutes to connect with a BlueChew.com affiliated physician, and if you qualify, you get prescribed online quickly. The best part? You can take them anytime, day or night, even on a full stomach. Ooh, sexy. And here's a great deal for you guys. Visit BlueChew.com and get your first order free when you use promo code TOPICAL. Just pay $5 shipping. That's Blue, B-L-U-E, Chew.com, promo code TOPICAL, so you can chew it and do it. Hmm, I probably shouldn't have taken these at work.
Look, pal, I've got more news in my one little pinky finger than you've got in your whole damn newspaper, and I'll prove it. Here's what else you need to know today.
Marine biologists from the University of Rhode Island released an encouraging new report today projecting the oceans will be a nice simmering seafood bisque by as early as 2040. Researchers are calling these projections, quote, absolutely delicious, but are also warning that the planet may not have the proper supply of bread bowls to withstand the change in stew levels.
And in Washington, Congress is attempting to streamline the 2021 budget. Congressional members are hopeful that by steering $984 billion into a new money- burning program, they'll be able to more efficiently waste taxpayer dollars.
And finally, that's the sound of your father unleashing a haunting moan of satisfaction upon descending into a hot tub. He reportedly found the experience so relaxing that he could, quote, fall asleep in here.
Well, that's it for the topical today. I'm Leslie Price. We know you love to listen to the topical every single day, but we want to know what something else you do every single day of your life. Find us on Apple Podcasts and let us know in the reviews. And while you're there, don't forget to like and subscribe to the topical. It's really the least you could do. We'll see you tomorrow.
Leslie. Oh, no. What's happening? What do you mean? Oh, my God. No, you're flickering in and out of existence. Leslie, what's happening? Leslie. Oh, that was weird.
Uh, probably best not to worry about it. Yeah, that's OPR's Alan Potts. According to AARP, the average cost for a hearing aid is about twenty three hundred dollars. But what if you can't afford one or your insurance doesn't cover it? Well, Miracle Ears just announced that it'll be releasing a new version of their hearing aids for free. So what's the catch? OPR's Jenna Resnick has the story.
Oh, I hear it. I hear it.
I'm here at Miracle Ears headquarters in Minneapolis, and that L'Oreal commercial is the first thing that 74 year old Nora Baker has heard clearly in decades. Nora has severe hearing loss and she is one of the first to receive Miracle Ears new hearing aid. The Ear Spot free.
Thank you. We love you, Grandma.
I'm sorry. What was it, dear?
With the Ear Spot free, users can enjoy crisp, crystal clear audio while short commercials that run anywhere from 10 seconds to a minute long play every five minutes directly into their ear canal. And because the hearing aid is 100 percent supported through in-ear advertisements, it costs the user absolutely nothing.
And Nora, how are you enjoying? Just a minute, dearie. I can't hear you.
It's like they say there are some things money can't buy. But for everything else, there's Master Card. With a long wait list for the cost friendly hearing aid, Nora was lucky to get in early, mostly because she's in the market for a new car. Another customer lucky enough to score an Ear Spot free is 65 year old Dale Stitt. But the free service didn't come without some hiccups. I'll admit, at first it was driving me crazy.
Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. And I don't even own a cat.
But then one day I was talking to my neighbor about how I need a new lawnmower. And suddenly I started getting John Deere ads.
Oh, here's one now. They're still a little loud, but hey, free is free. And smarter ad targeting is just the beginning. For those who find the ad experience to be a little too intrusive, Miraculier announced that it's developing a new version of its hearing aid that, once surgically implanted into the customer's cochlea, will be able to transmit advertisements subliminally straight to the user's subconscious. Sounds like the future of affordable hearing may be here sooner than we think. For OPR, I'm Jenna Resnick. Hear that?
That's the sound of a rock hard direction you can only get from the performance enhancing chewables at BlueChew.com. With the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis, the chewables from BlueChew work faster so you can last longer. No in-person doctor visit, no awkward conversation, no waiting in line at the pharmacy, no having to pull out your limp penis at CVS to prove the prescription's yours. It only takes a few minutes to connect with a BlueChew.com affiliated physician. And if you qualify, you get prescribed online quickly.
The best part? You can take them any time, day or night, even on a full stomach. Ooh, sexy.
And here's a great deal for you guys. Visit BlueChew.com and get your first order free when you use promo code topical. Just pay $5 shipping. That's Blue, B-L-U-E, Chew.com, promo code topical so you can chew it and do it.
I probably shouldn't have taken these at work. Look, pal, I've got more news in my one little pinky finger than you've got in your whole damn newspaper, and I'll prove it. Here's what else you need to know today.
Marine biologists from the University of Rhode Island released an encouraging new report today projecting the oceans will be a nice, simmering seafood bisque by as early as 2040. Researchers are calling these projections, quote, absolutely delicious, but are also warning that the planet may not have the proper supply of bread bowls to withstand the change in stew levels.
And in Washington, Congress is attempting to streamline the 2021 budget. Congressional members are hopeful that by steering $984 billion into a new money burning program, they'll be able to more efficiently waste taxpayer dollars.
And finally, that's the sound of your father unleashing a haunting moan of satisfaction upon descending into a hot tub. He reportedly found the experience so relaxing that he could, quote, fall asleep in here.
Well, that's it for the topical today. I'm Leslie Price. We know you love to listen to the topical every single day, but we want to know what's something else you do every single day of your life. Find us on Apple podcast and let us know in the reviews. And while you're there, don't forget to like and subscribe to the topical. It's really the least you could do. We'll see you tomorrow. Hey, what's that?
How are you liking the hearing aids? Oh, it's like a miracle. They've given me my life back. I can't tell you how grateful I am.
It's like they say there are some things money can't buy. But for everything else, there's MasterCard with a long wait list for the cost friendly hearing aid. Nora was lucky to get in early, mostly because she's in the market for a new car. Another customer lucky enough to score an ear spot free is 65 year old Dale Stitt. But the free service didn't come without some hiccups.
I'll admit at first it was driving me crazy. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, and I don't even own a cat. But then one day I was talking to my neighbor about how I need a new lawnmower, and suddenly I started getting John Deere ads. Oh, here's one now. They're still a little loud, but hey, free is free. And smarter ad targeting is just the beginning. For those who find the ad experience to be a little too intrusive, Miracolier announced that it's developing a new version of its hearing aid that, once surgically implanted into the customer's cochlea, will be able to transmit advertisements subliminally straight to the user's subconscious. Sounds like the future of affordable hearing may be here sooner than we think. For OPR, I'm Jenna Resnick. Hear that?
That's the sound of a rock hard erection you can only get from the Performance Enhancing Chewables at BlueChew.com. With the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis, the chewables from BlueChew work faster so you can last longer. No in-person doctor visit, no awkward conversation, no waiting in line at the pharmacy, no having to pull out your limp penis at CVS to prove the prescription's yours. It only takes a few minutes to connect with a BlueChew.com affiliated physician and, if you qualify, you get prescribed online quickly. The best part? You can take them anytime, day or night, even on a full stomach. Ooh, sexy. And here's a great deal for you guys. Visit BlueChew.com and get your first order free when you use promo code TOPICAL. Just pay $5 shipping. That's BlueChew.com promo code TOPICAL so you can chew it and do it. Hmm, I probably shouldn't have taken these at work.
Look, pal, I've got more news in my one little pinky finger than you've got in your whole damn newspaper, and I'll prove it. Here's what else you need to know today.
Marine biologists from the University of Rhode Island released an encouraging new report today projecting the oceans will be a nice simmering seafood bisque by as early as 2040. Researchers are calling these projections, quote, absolutely delicious, but are also warning that the planet may not have the proper supply of bread bowls to withstand the change in stew levels.
And in Washington, Congress is attempting to streamline the 2021 budget. Congressional members are hopeful that by steering $984 billion into a new money burning program, they'll be able to more efficiently waste taxpayer dollars.
And finally, that's the sound of your father unleashing a haunting moan of satisfaction upon descending into a hot tub. He reportedly found the experience so relaxing that he could, quote, fall asleep in here.
Well, that's it for The Topical today. I'm Leslie Price. We know you love to listen to The Topical every single day, but we want to know what's something else you do every single day of your life. Find us on Apple podcast and let us know in the reviews. And while you're there, don't forget to like and subscribe to The Topical. It's really the least you could do. We'll see you tomorrow. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_s_Tips_For_Succeeding_As_A_Woman_In_The_Workplace | If you're a woman starting a new job, it can be difficult to navigate a male-dominated office environment. Well, no need to worry any longer. Here are the onion's tips for succeeding as a woman in the workplace. As a new employee, it's important to assert yourself in front of your co-workers. On your first day, look for a vulnerable co-worker you can openly humiliate.
Most likely, it will be one of the women. There. Her. She looks weak.
Take precautions to avoid sexual harassment in your office. Immediately let your co-workers know you're not available by prominently displaying images of various young children on your desk, coating all of your items in a man's urine, and mimicking the West African spitting cobra by instantly shooting venom into the eyes of any potential predators. It's important to not presume that your employers are aware of all the work you do. Keep meticulous records by constantly filming every moment you spend working, while also keeping accurate counts on the number of hours your co-workers spend away from their desks. Then present the evidence to your superior at the end of the week. Nonverbal communication accounts for 93% of our interactions with others, so make sure to articulate your points clearly with bold fist pumps, leg kicks, helicopter arms, and other gesticulations. And lastly, always wear a burka to the workplace.
All women should do this. There. Now you're ready to tackle your new office job. We hope you enjoyed The Onion's Tips. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_videogame_movies | When video games went mainstream in the 90s, of course they start to make live-action adaptations of some of the more popular titles. I'm Jeff Rubin, and joining me today to look at some of them we have Curtis Gwynn, John Gabris, and Pat Casas. Let's take a look at the first major live-action video game film, Mario Brothers, The Movie! Wait, I mean, there's a game too? So, first weird decision they made in this movie. There's not much to work with with the Mario Brothers, there's not much plot.
But we do know they're Italian. We know they're Italian because they're wearing bad suits.
You know, Bowser's supposed to be running this extremely impressive society, but with all the wine dancing, it looks kind of fun. This is the scene where Rambo just tied his bandana, in this case they just put on matching overalls and space boots. There was probably no way to make a good Mario Brothers movie. I don't watch this, and I'm like, oh, what a blown-up or two. This movie had never had a chance, am I getting it right? That's what's so fun about watching it, like, you can't get mad and be like, what were they doing? They did the best with what they had. It's like making a Pac-Man movie and having like Steve Buscemi play Pac-Man, he wears like a long leather jacket and his long hair, and he's like, yeah, Pac-Man. Every time I talk about this movie, I say the same thing, it has the simplest translation to movie. You just make blood sport with crazier people in place.
I'll do you one better. Never make it in the first place. Do not do it.
The Earth was created in six days. Your voice is not doing anything frightening or imposing enough. The special effects look like they shot it at like six flags, and like the make your own music video booth. They're like, put swirly clouds in the background, blow this goofy skull mask.
I like that they jump and flip just to get next to each other, because that pretty much is the only way you can move in Mortal Kombat. Yeah. That's true. Raiden? Who's the girl? Can she fight as good as she looks? I think everyone in Mortal Kombat is scumbag a lasser, everyone's just...
Straighten your helmet out before the scene starts. I just like to imagine they blew up this entire actual 9,000-year-old symbol for the purposes of Mortal Kombat Annihilation. That helmet is so goofy. It's pretty bad.
It's a good day to have to make a sequel, because where do you go with the subtitle? It's good that they named it the Ultimate Battle so that there couldn't be a sequel. I just received new orders.
Our superiors say the war is cancelled. We can all go home. What soldiers are pissed that the war is cancelled and they're going home? You're going home to see your families and engage in sexual intercourse, and if you have children, you will get to see them again. Everyone's like, no, who wants to go home and who wants to go with me? I like the attitude of this movie, like war is cancelled, but we will keep fighting!
Dude, are you a robot? This is Ken. Ken was apparently played by Dave Couillier.
Do you think any of these actors look back on their cast photo and are like, man, remember those days? Look at the outfits they all have on. Brave man, a true warrior. We can't fire guns because we wear our full-contact fighting gloves at all times. They're like, I know what you mean. They're like, I haven't eaten in weeks, so we take these off.
In Bison dollars, this movie made eight trillion dollars. Over eight trillion in box office Bison dollars. That's like when the producer had to go in and explain how much money. Well, in Bison dollars.
What have we learned today?
I mean, you think just over 15 years of making video game movies, they'd make one that was anywhere above terrible. I'm not even saying like good or very good. Just not laughably bad. It's the one that comes the closest to baby Resident Evil, and it's still terrible. It's not good at all. It's the only one that's like... I feel like a lot of people are protesting video games because they cause violence, but I don't see anyone protesting video games because they cause s**t movies. |