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cracked | if_cbs_sitcoms_had_mind_blowing_sci_fi_premises | Once every few months crack.com locks its entire video team in a different house for five days with a special guest and one goal Make as many stupid sketches as you can. This is one of those meet Dave Dave's a neat freak who likes everything in its place But he's about to get a new roommate and a reality check Let me guess you're my new roommate no I'm you from the future first of all obviously And second of all in the near future something terrible happens and only you can sheesh sounds like this friendship just hit a sandbar We don't have oceans What happens when Captain cleanliness meets mr. Mess It's Felix and Oscar for the next century Hey That's truly odd. Hey, did you track mud into the house? Probably I was busy preparing for the apocalypse if you've got time to lean you got time to clean I'm not so different underneath it all I'm you motherf**ker Proves my point That's just one example of the thing that could happen on this show I'm serious Which of these ties should I wear for my big date? Serious too the world is going to end very soon unless you do this one incredibly important Very easy to do thing we could be back in half an hour.
Look at me. I'm asking you for fashion advice I mean, what did you dress in the dark?
Yes, there's no light in the future only fire And the blue glow Blue it is Down come on Dink it's eaten by candles. Yeah, if I play my cards, right you Oh It's rude mates the show that doesn't exist because they didn't stop the apocalypse in time Don't miss the exciting premiere slash finale Monday September 28th 2017 at 8 p.m. 9 central on CBS Yo, m. That's word reppin for cracked here improvise and say you better subscribe dear It should be clear by now you chumps subscribe You're gonna be down in the dumps cuz we rep we don't rap we make comedy I'm rapping to support the comedy that we make and I'm gonna do it in only one take one takes flame That's my name rap subscribe. This is really lame. |
dropout | matrix_runs_on_windows_xp | You are down the rabbit hole, Neil. The Matrix is a simulated reality construct. It is the most advanced Windows program ever developed. Wait, Windows? The machines run the Matrix on Windows XP, so doing the human race while they harvest does for energy.
Lean back. I just have to wait for the hourglass to go away. Okay. Which one of these is the USB? I think that one. No. That one. I think they both have screws, right?
The Matrix used to run pretty well, but it slowed down over time. Cypher bit towards a lot of movies.
Freeze. This was a training exercise. An agent can take the form of any being within the Matrix, so you are to trust no one. Unfreeze. This happens from time to time. Go on without me. Try control or delete.
Well, hello there. Hope you have cookies enabled. It looks like you're trying to bend a spoon with your mind.
Yeah, I got it. Can I help you with that? I said I got it.
Have you tried realizing the truth that there is no spoon? Ow! Hey! Why am I here?
But, is there a difference? Neo, it's Cypher. Oh, hey Cypher. What's up? There is an agent on your tail. You need to do exactly as I say, you understand? All right.
To your left is a closet. That closet should be full of guns.
Amateurs, I don't know how those got there. Mr. Anderson, Mr. Anderson, Mr. Anderson.
Cypher, I need to learn Kung Fu now. Our free trial of Kung Fu is expired. Dad customer support, this is ancient Jones from Connecticut, please hold. The progress bar is moving, but the reason for that is because the reason for that is that the company is all about the from Connecticut please hold the progress bar is moving but the remaining time is going up oh my god he's multiplying no looks like you're trying to free humanity want some help ubuntu i'm going to learn ubuntu |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_brian_kato_kaelin_saturday_night_live | Kato spent four days on the witness stand this week making it the longest job he has ever held. and now let's take a look at some of his testimony from earlier this week. Sorry, Mr. Kalin, are you nervous a little? Yes, please tell the court. Mr. Kalin, what it is you do for a living. I'm an actor. Oh, really, an actor. And what kind of parts have you had, Mr. Kalin?
I did a couple of horror films and I hosted Talk Soup. I think I did a good job. Would you say you did a better job than the guy who hosts it now? Yes, I would. And do you know the new guy's name? No, I don't. Okay, and how are the ratings for Talk Soup when you hosted, I believe they were very high. Somewhere around a 1.6 Wow. Sounds high to me. it is for cable. do you have any other special talents?
I do an impression of a stair master going to a higher level. Can you please perform that stair Master impression for the court?
That's not very funny. Mr. Kalin, That guy was laughing, noted and noted. It also says here: you can do a dog barking hey, do you think this is something the court needs to hear? Yes, I do. So then Mr. Kalin, You're saying that was the sound Nicole Simpson's dog made the night of the murders.
No, that's a small dog. I can't do big dogs.
Mr. Kalin, you're you're useless. Yes, I am Gato Kalin. |
dropout | collegehumor_s_favorite_grant_fails | so okay so Grant breaks all the time it's really fun Grant starts laughing we all start laughing then there comes a point when no one else is laughing and in this particular sketch all the best Christmas songs are sad online number one of a long day of shooting my line was hey blockhead what are you doing hey blockhead what are you doing and that broke so hard because he makes a very specific refrigerator esque sound hey blockhead what are you doing listen sketch comedy is about finding joy I have joy on set it's all about creating an atmosphere where there's where there's where there's where there's joy it was the day of the college humor holiday party Jack Frost had whited the windows but Grant was feeling blue all around his friends were feeling merry and he felt left out and this year like every year he wondered about the true meaning of Christmas hey blockhead what you doing listen to Christmas Carol's to try to get in the spirit before tonight you know Christmas is coming earlier and earlier every year I feel like next year it's gonna be September but I take from Ali hey great come on over here and nog up man that'll make you feel better I guess what are you listening to anyway the song sounds so sad it's wintery and nostalgic all the best Christmas songs are sad away in a manger I'll be home for Christmas all the songs my mom used to play from your bummers but like good bummers what child is this have yourself a merry little Christmas that song is literally about muddling through one more shitty year just until you can get to a good holiday why would people want to listen to something that makes them sad oh sadness is the true meaning of Christmas really I thought the true meaning of Christmas was corporations selling people crap hey that's original great you know this one oh there's no time to drink wassail no time to break bread because Jesus Christ is born but soon he will be dead though today he's just a babe he will soon be in his grave Jesus Christ the baby will die yikes what about something chipper like jingle bells or deck the halls or ring what about Joseph can't pay his bills or angels hear the shepherds cry oh how but there's no water in Bethlehem those are tragic sounding titles those are just the religious ones I like the radio ones anyway like walking through a winter graveyard is so pretty off Bing Crosby Christmas while there's no wheat is a classic oh my god I love his later stuff like the album he wrote for the one time of year he sees his kids you mean songs for the one time of year I see my kids then there's the country stuff a gift from my boss parentheses a pink slip is charming I love economic inequality will kill us dot dot dot on Christmas why would people want to feel like that when already Christmas is just bombardment with advertising great roast let's do this one Rudolph can't see through prison bars I bring the Christmas bells but I have no hands oh the needles on our tree I'm much too sharp think of all the wars in this baby's name Santa does it is it the elderly hey that reminds me of this song that me and my friends always made fun of called Christmas shoes a video where Grant really broke was wait is this video branded there's a line where Grant's yelling at trap and he goes can it bird frame and then I was saying yeah can it bird brain judgmental self Grant laughed every single time if I may defend myself we were standing next to each other and so you threw in a yeah it was it was improv ization I was surprised can it bird brain can it bird brain can it bird brain yeah just to me favorite don't say yeah right now and so he had asked me not to say it so he just said can it bird brain and I didn't say yeah and he started laughing still and he ruined the take okay no this is the one don't please don't cut we got it right now can it bird brain now I hear her not saying it I'm hearing it now I'm hearing you say like yeah it's like you were saying it so that only I could hear I have a little mouse voice guys guys guys guys there's a self-driving car downstairs I gotta warn you it judges you based on whatever location you put into it but I think I know just the location to tell it to go fuck you what this is a branded video I hate it when companies try to sneakily make ads starring familiar faces from the internet and then package it like it's just a regular funny video I'll have no part of your trickery sir what are you talking about it's just a silly video about a judgmental self-driving car but I think I know just the place to tell it to go oh come on dude why would you eat two chips in the course of telling us your plan if this isn't branded and look how awkwardly you're holding the bag so you don't cover the label over the delicious taste of Chomsky's chips even have to do with cars nothing it never has anything to do with the product it's just some half-baked connection to the tagline like Chomsky's drive to the crunch or whatever here I'll show you an example on my HTC stream 6 the smartphone with the sharpest screen on the market oh you're branded what your brand you're crazy or brand no I just like HTZ phones HTZ make a connection I don't know grant that's pretty suspicious hey guys come quick there's a self-driving car downstairs but I gotta warn you it judges whatever destination you tell it to go to luckily I'll be walking in my walker step it god damn it which one of you is branded well it's not me I'm no shill I bet it's Grant he looks exactly like the nerd who inexplicably gets the girl at the end of the ad right I say it's Katie what no sodas is refreshing as she made that splish look it's not me guys you really think splish soda is gonna let me wear this t-shirt in an ad have you seen the shirt awful but you know what's not awful what about you Siobhan you walked in just as the comic tension was heightening explain yourself no no it's just a coincidence I mean if I was gonna advertise for shoes I would pick something way cooler than these ugly walking boots although they are very comfortable well it's not me all I know is I'm a loyal customer of HTZ who appreciates their suite of business-ready apps I'd say that sounds weird but honestly grant you sort of always talk like you think you're being filmed Mike what is this nothing nothing that oh my god it's a contract for a lifetime supply of Chomsky's hot Jacque use okay cool it all right you caught me I'm making a branded video I wanted all those chomps keys for myself the big bold crunch that never lets you down now in three brand-new flavors Chilean sea bass hollandaise and pina colada and I would have gotten away with it too if it worked for you add gumshoes can it birdbrain judgmental self-driving car take them to jail jail more like pale pale full of chips wait jail so April fools on the internet sucks during the shot where trap has to like prance through you kept fucking laughing in the shot in question okay so it's like one tape we're like other people have lines and then your line comes and then you keep breaking so everything has to be reset and redone first of all it's very funny the way trap was walking trap had to like get his legs to his chest as he was as he was kicking his way into the office and he was so sore the next day I'm sorry yeah the editor said that there's only one take where you didn't laugh but you do only need one take what is there more than one take in the video there is what I went to foam school and that's what you know you just cut around the last that's yeah that's why I went to acting school and I learned fucking nothing at all oh did you guys see this Netflix is making a Calvin and Hobbes animated series no way this is like wait a minute what day is it April 1st April fools ha ha what homie laws decide the April fool returned once again to fill the internet with jokes and shapes and all matter of Dom fooling oh god this is so fucking annoying hey tell have you heard the latest news go away concerns recent development from the code masters at Google whatever it is we don't believe you a novel new offering called Google date looks at the keywords in your emails and analyzes it to find your one true love no it doesn't it's a prank we know it's a prank well that's you have been tricked by the April fool ha ha ha no we haven't Google Tate does not exist you see it is the most unlikely fiction you tellers believed it not even for a second heaven have not known a more oafish crew than you three fuck this April Fool's Day used to be fun and now it's just a bunch of brands trying to seem cool with a bunch of lazy boring ass obvious lies oh well perhaps this will cheer you it's a clever new contraption from thinking ah this all resembles a pokeball it is in fact a miniature projector pre-loaded with the entirety of the Pokemon anime leave us alone surely you're seduced by the promise of nostalgia but wait there is one more surprise this product doesn't exist ha ha yeah we know did you yes did you know that think you will actually make this product a few days hence yeah they do it every what you thought a mere lark was in fact advertisement yeah you are bamboozled twice over first by me and then spike capitalism you're not clever you're just lying to us it's not even a surprise cuz you do it at the same time every year honestly do you enjoy this or do you do this cuz you feel like you have to oh pity there's a poor old cremation this grumpy old man's heart is ungladdened by our monkey shine you know I've written a rude little song about people like you would you like to hear it no I think that once you do you'll never be able to give it up dadadadada stop it stop it stop it now really a Rickroll it's ironically funny no it isn't it's the oldest least original prank on the internet hey grant no the oldest least original prank on the internet is when you're engaged in some sort of internet activity concentrating really hard my trap and I wrote this sketch called the babies are on fire about the office daycare catching on fire grant couldn't keep his fucking shit together part of the blocking is that after we see the fire we run over to help the babies in reality our run was about four steps which is on its face quite silly rapping Elvis was leading the way to help she push him from behind and make a little noise it's the little noise that got me every time it was sort of a there are three child actors there's good labor laws in place so that children aren't exploited but it means that your window opportunity is very small on top of that we have an entire fire effect that needs to happen and what are we spending our time doing it was a very funny noise now it's a little smaller than it should be for my frame but I think I'm really starting to catch some definition on my bicep it's on my arm hey do you guys smell something oh my god the office daycare is on fire again the kids are saving themselves what look the little toddler in the blue overall she's pulling that little girl I was trapped under a beam this is so inspiring okay whatever still call 911 there's no need it looks like they've got this now we know if they're the hashtag this gives me so much hope for the future look that little girl is corralling all of her friends into the least smoke-filled corner of the room and this adorable little guy is trying to smother the flames with his blankie you know I think we're gonna be okay of course you're gonna be okay I'm in humanity wow yeah well I'm gonna do something the doorways collapsed we got to grab the axe from the fire key what do you got above and beyond not above and beyond bare minimum you do should also be helping but what can I as one person even do here we'd be drops in a bucket that is a perfect analogy for what's going on right now we don't have enough drops in the bucket we can't put the fire out these babies are beautiful fear savage queens okay they don't need our help squeezing her juice box onto the flames that is so selfless this little guy wrapped a teddy bear on this this we could punch out a window and wait for help oh dear god come on Raphael aren't you at least a little inspired by everything these kids have managed to accomplish they shouldn't have to accomplish anything we could have made it so that they didn't have to give me my axe back you don't think this is inspiring this doesn't bring you hope for the future look at everything they've done in the middle of a fire no less it is inspiring and we also should be helping honestly I'm gonna teach me a finger yeah these kids are gonna save us you don't need saving these kids are gonna show us the way you know the way only I have the strength to do what they're doing when I was their age you can do it right now Wow that's what you get for getting your hopes up nothing ever changes because you two didn't help that's not fair yeah if I'd been in that daycare I had to put the fire out with my bare hands and if someone had told me to help I would have helped hey little tikes made it way to go doesn't catch on fire anymore oh sounds like this little guy hates freedom who paid this child to say that this video that I'm gonna talk about specifically is the male friends are bullies I'm gonna be nice to you thank you everybody's been beating you up yeah that's accurate with this video in particular it was pretty crazy everybody was a little loopy hey you gotta understand this is just the Bulls a cake I think you were the only person who said out loud I'm losing my mom I'm out of my mind we had to stomp around and call ourselves bulls when we were crowing like crows it's almost like you're addicted you know how with an addict like they know they know it's gonna be trouble but I can't stop what Oh Katie it's just that the Bulls are about to stampede the Bulls Katie the Bulls are the boys it's a night these stupid motherfuckers are gonna run amok at the big game hey rap why don't you go fuck your sister you freakin dongle Katie you gotta understand this is just Bulls aka guys being guys dudes all rib each other it's how we bond take this stupid ass piece of shit here right you still crying over Amy dumbass at least my parents still talk to me just guys being guys you know like I've been catfishing trap for the past two weeks whoa wait Monica's not real oh no she's real just not the one you've been talking to no that's fine that's cool that's cool it's cool because I maxed out your credit cards on geriatric porn subscriptions you piece of shit yo yo jokes on you man cuz I love fuck your grandma no no really she's an older lady who can teach me a lot in bed she's like fine wine man we're best friends these guys got me through like a pretty hard time in my life they were there for me when no one else was don't go getting all soft I'm not getting soft the Bulls got to get stopping anyways I'm trying to celebrate my birthday over here and Bulls of a feather now before we go we got to give you your birthday what one punch for every year you bet a lot so definitely real grandma's tripod for the first time was the sketch are our typical late in the day sketch where all we need is everybody to just keep it together I don't care how the sketch turns out my concerns are if we're on time and under budget grant is is often the one who single-handedly prevents me from accomplishing my goals I'm so sorry let me finish okay this sketch in particular it wasn't your fault I was reading lines off-camera that's right you ever smoked marijuana I wasn't on camera but I had to keep a straight face what you three were saying was the funniest it was Shane you were breaking you see what it's like now yes you all heard Shane Khan say it it's never bad when I break and it's always fine that's the producer no no I've never smoked marijuana smoked a lot of things this smells like my daughter's grass grass I first heard about grass in the 1940s are you guys just three dudes dressed up as old ladies to get free weed I've always been curious about it so why not so I said to these two birds how about instead of playing bridge today we go down and smoke the devil's cigarette enough let's just get this over with so great oh my hello earth is this wacky tobacco in the cow or sativa because my grandson says sativa makes me paranoid I can't stop smiling you didn't get any snacks no why wouldn't you get snacks I wish I had like a super cold cry oh fuck that would be good my favorite comedian is Bob Hope that could get used to this what's your lady's favorite part about being retired I like being able to knit and self and what's the knitting but with hooks hooking I like calling my congressman and complaining about things he can't change I like that I don't mince tried anymore seriously not get any water at least all of us have old lady names I have a name like Agatha I'm Mrs. Doubtfire I'm Gail you ever think about how when you get old all your friends start dying fuck what do you mean when you get old I thought you were old you had like no chill do people tell you that I had a fabulous time thank you give your medical card or how'd you get this you guys have to go oh all right theory as soon as we get paid we're not paying you you motherfuckers I miss occupy it oh god it's not good it's not I fall apart it is bad when we're truly running behind cuz yeah there are times when it's just like Grant you can't can I say though and I feel like you'll be on my side yeah fuck them if we run behind that's it's you and me saying fuck em who cares it's not our money it's not our money if we get behind it's it's you know I care about the company hey it's great from College Humor click here to subscribe to the channel click here for more fun stuff at sorry guys it feels like I'm out am I out cuz I can like I can see the top of the camera so it's is this better all right it feels worse okay thanks for watching |
TheOnion | Stouffers_To_Include_Suicide_Prevention_Tips_On_Single_Serve_Microwavable_Meals | To help their customers stay healthy, this week, frozen food giant Stouffer's began including suicide prevention tips on the boxes of their single serving prepared meals. The company hopes that the tips will teach customers alternatives to unhealthy choices such as killing themselves because they eat every meal alone. The idea was conceived by Linda Horowitz of Nestle Prepared Foods, the parent company of Stouffer's. We are aware that the purchase of a Stouffer's mac and cheese for one can be a cry for help. After two minutes of watching a meal slowly rotate in a microwave, people reach what we call a risk threshold point where they frequently make the decision to end their lives. Customers at this store in Boston said they appreciated the tips. The tips made me realize that even though I'm eating gravy meatloaf right now, there's still a possibility that things won't always be like this.
The tips are written in a small font, so you have to turn on the lights to see them. But it's better than eating in the dark again. They give me the confidence to take my dinners out on the lawn again so I can watch the cars drive by while I eat.
Stouffer's has also released a special set of tips specifically for its lean cuisine customers. We wrote these tips in order to help the working woman think more about treating herself right and less about how quickly her eggs are aging in her ovaries. In addition to hosting support forums on their website, Stouffer's has added a section where users can post videos of themselves eating Stouffer's meals for others to watch as they eat, simulating companionship. To support the new campaign, Stouffer's has also hired licensed counselors to give free sessions in the frozen food aisles of participating supermarkets and a friendly Stouffer's van waiting in the parking lot if a customer clearly needs to be institutionalized. Based on the success of Stouffer's new packaging, Kashi has begun printing tips on the back of their cereal boxes about how to not be such a smug, annoying, pretentious asshole. |
dropout | precious_plum_in_see_plum_run_official_trailer | We back. My name is plum. I'm 12 years old My mom on my campaign manager said take a dance when you's launching a Poet call campaign you need what's called a publicity stunt you brought strippers into this school I do am sorry, but they said it was dancers on Stripper calm you have to play nice Remember you're booking in parent now. Hi Welcome. Welcome to my home. Thank you very much. I got milk all set up there case y'all like milk Friends is playing in the den case y'all like friends.
Who's the real plum miller the one behind all these campaigns? That once he died what I killed him pity about the buzz article all publicity good publicity OJ Simpson y'all remember him now eat a star of like Bunch of documentaries I Can help you win this election? Are you talking about playing dirty? It's the only way I play something more in you This could get real messy Messy Is how I like it are you off tinker me right now? No, that's that's not what this is just a conspiracy.
So yeah, I'm married. We have a daughter. Okay, cool I'm still in like a hundred percent You Are a Neanderthal? Oh and you're raising one as well. Hey, my daughter is not a Neanderthal That's fair. That's fair. Hi, baby |
TheOnion | Teens_Migrating_From_Facebook_To_Comments_Section_Of_Slow_Motion_Deer_Video | Studies show that more and more teenagers are leaving Facebook. But where are they going instead?
Apparently to the hottest new social media site in years, the comments section of this YouTube video of a deer running in slow motion. The video, titled Slow Motion Night Footage of Adult Male Deer Running, was uploaded just months ago.
But already, its comments section is seeing over 30 million active users, the majority of whom are teenagers and college students. But why the major social media shift? Experts say there are a number of reasons. It's just where all my friends are.
I go check under the deer to see funny pictures my friends are posting or to see if anyone's throwing a party. I met my boyfriend under the deer. Hey, deer me later. Young people are using the amateur nature video's comments section to post texts or links to pictures and videos. Users can also reply to friends' posts and vote on them with a thumbs up or a thumbs down. Experts say new social media hotspots, like the comments section on slow motion night footage of adult male deer running, really appeal to teens for some reason. We thought the deer might be the next Twitter, now we think it might be the next Instagram, or maybe even the next Friendster. Bottom line is it's hip and it's cool and I don't think it's going away anytime soon. Just yesterday I put a funny picture of my dad sleeping on there that went super viral. It got like 500 deer points. And Facebook isn't giving up so easily, incorporating images and videos of deer, elk, reindeer and even moose into their layout.
But teens say that misses the point entirely. In fact, the site's one unwritten rule don't post anything about the video itself. Kids say that's not cool.
But with more and more people swapping over to the comments section of the slow motion deer video by the day, some trend watchers warn it may begin going the way of Facebook. I was obsessed with it for a while, but now it's just boring.
I'm probably going to switch over to Happy Fast Kitchen. While we don't know for sure, we believe Happy Fast Kitchen might refer to the Yelp page for a Chinese food restaurant in Cleveland, the new social media site where musician Skrillex recently dropped his latest album. Coming up next, you tweeted and we listened. Wow, once again, cut myself open to prove I'm not a computer. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_195_The_Federal_Election_Campaign_Is_Under_Way_With_Charles_Croucher | You're joined by myself Clancy Overall. Errol Parker has a scratchy throat so he is out of the picture for seven days as is company policy. He's being replaced by the young fellow, the Kay McGrath of the Diamantina, Wendell Hussey. Thank you for joining us Wendell. Thank you for having me Clancy.
It's an interesting one with Errol Parker isn't it? He hasn't been a big believer in the virus so interesting that he is adhering to it. Hasn't been too much of a carry on.
It's getting to that point now where everyone can start to touch and feel it. You know 100,000 cases in one day the other day everyone kind of knows someone who's got it so it's kind of hard to convince yourself that it doesn't exist. Which is funny because this is just about where America was leading into their election. It actually became quite real. You couldn't take a partisan approach to the virus in those final stages before Donald Trump left office even to the point where Donald Trump contracted it and had to admit that. Yeah they had their COVID election and it looks like we're going to have our COVID election coming up shortly.
Yeah and to discuss it we're going to announce it today right here on the Batutah Advocate podcast. The federal election campaign has started. It's on. And to talk about that today we're joined by the same guest we got on the show last time around to discuss the US election.
He's an analyst of sorts. He's definitely a pundit and he's a journalist and as of now he is a high profile Channel Nine identity. A Channel Nine Sophologist. Yeah Sophologist.
The Anthony Green of Channel Nine. Anthony Green of Channel Nine or even you could say nowadays that Anthony Green is the Charles Croucher of the ABC.
Yeah that's what everyone says. That's what they're saying.
Thank you for joining us today Crouch how are you? So nice to be back.
Commiserations that you know people are out sick but he shouldn't have gone to the races. No he shouldn't and especially weekday at the trots like what are we talking about? Pretty degenerate behaviour.
Yeah yeah. In Vienna's room drinking the chamfer with sparkling wine. Sparkling canned as well. The new type. The canned sparkling. Delicious.
Now Crouch there's a lot going on would you also agree that the Australian federal election campaign has started? Oh yeah it's underway absolutely. Conceivably the first time that the Prime Minister might call the election is probably next week after Australia Day.
Now a month or two ago before Omicron became a thing I would have said we're on. Now I'm saying not so much. So what's the latest he could push this back to? Feasibly mid-May. May 14, May 21. That's the latest. That's the latest to have both House and Senate which is what you always do. There is a scenario where you could push it back to I think September or October and in fact have a Senate election first and then a House election. I mean that is desperate times when we start talking about this kind of shit. That would be another debacle on the hands. I think that would be a real indication that things aren't going well for the Prime Minister. So May is the likely time we're going to go to the polls. As late as possible would it be that final weekend or would it be like the weekend before just to try and make it look like they aren't pushing it out and waiting for this next wave?
The 7th of May, you factor in Easter, 7th of May you get Anzac Day, nice time to be Prime Minister. A lot of good optics. Good optics on Anzac Day when you can be Prime Minister, play two up. Usually it's Melbourne Cup day and someone wins so Anzac Day is a good time and then I think probably the five weeks or four weeks.
That's providing our diggers don't get locked indoors and aren't allowed to march. That's actually a play. That's a good thought.
So maybe the latest weekend then, push it back. Let's look at September. So I want to kind of talk about what has changed in the last month.
Christmas was an interesting one. Omicron, there was a feeling that we're just going to put the blinds down because the politicians definitely didn't want to think about it but the people didn't either. Just come on, relentless, this thing is relentless. 2022 is looking the same. We didn't want to even think about it and now we've realised, we know what it is. It's affecting the vaccinated. It's not really killing people but the percentages aren't very favourable in terms of hospitalisation. So it is very much an issue that is a political issue that has almost completely eviscerated any goodwill the government might have had heading into Christmas.
Well hot girl summer's gone, first and foremost, hot vac summer that we're all looking forward to. The thing is, everyone's got used to lining up now. You have to line up to get a test, you have to line up to get toilet paper.
When was the last time you spent five hours anywhere? Exactly. We regularly on the day show cross to one of the reporters at 5.30 and maybe a reporter in Queensland so it's 4.30 and oh there's 40 cars here, like 40 cars!
The joint's not opening for another three hours just to get a test, just to maybe go to work. Yeah and this town doesn't have walk-ins so unless you own a car you're not getting tested. I hope you find someone that can let you in the car for three hours.
Then we've got the RIT shortage which has since turned into a much greater issue which is just a general supply collapse across Australia. The duopoly has let us down for the first time ever. We thought that was a foolproof system but Coles and Woolies are out and Bob Carter said it had happened but they've failed us, the Australian people.
He's known for a while. Yeah I know, I know, you've got to go independent but what is happening here? Is this like unprecedented? Does this look like we have a government who has allowed this to happen? Well I mean the problem is the whole way through this pandemic we haven't known really who's in charge of what right and the blame is getting shifted around and some states will take responsibility, others won't. The rat thing is clearly an issue, I'm surprised it wasn't one that, the government's taking a pretty hard stance on it, we're not going to give that free ones.
That's a funny one, that's a hill they want to die on.
Because it only took Al Bernice and his government about 48 hours to decide they should be free. Hang on, we can do this. They should be accessible and everyone's like, should they be free? I wouldn't have a problem with them being free. Should they be free? I don't have a problem with that and then eventually the next day all of the Canva memes were across the internet and they were calling for it. Boris Johnson's realised there's a value in free there.
The other thing that's changed and this is a really big one, depending on who you talk to, is that the New South Wales premier has changed. There are a lot of Labor people that were nervous three or four months ago about their seats because of how popular Gladys Berejiklian was. You speak to them today a lot less nervous. And that's got a lot to do with Omicron, it's got a lot to do with families across the board, but they think that without Gladys Berejiklian, that's one big force, one big weapon in Scott Morrison's armoury that's out. Even then he didn't really look after that front line he had in New South Wales, which was Gladys. From the bushfires through to the, that's the state's responsibility in the pandemic, he kind of took Gladys for granted and now he has Perotay who doesn't give a fuck about how he feels. Yeah, and isn't real keen on the Prime Minister, we've seen that time and time again.
And plenty of the nation still perceives him as the Prime Minister for New South Wales. So you know, there's a lot of those Western, like real far Western Sydney into the mountains. A lot of those MPs are a lot happier with the situation now on the Labor side.
Okay. Is it a state level or federal? No, no, federal level. Federal, okay.
But they were worried about, I mean, the premiers have been boosted, right? Everyone knows who all the premiers are now, that wasn't the case three or six years ago. And so they have these high profile premiers that can become electoral assets that people see as leaders.
And all of a sudden these New South Wales MPs are looking around from Labor's side going, whoa, yeah, we've got Gladys Berejiklian here, who everyone likes, you know, there's that real adherence to Gladys and obviously not everyone likes, but the majority do. Yeah, yeah, no, she was quite a gentle kind of presence throughout that whole Delta wave and people kind of had an affinity for her from all sides of the political spectrum. As we saw, even, you know, even her detractors felt pretty bad for her when she got rolled. Totally. So they're a lot happier now, those Labor MPs, about the prospects coming up.
So let's talk about the branding that we're seeing off the bat. Morrison has, from I guess the 2019 campaign, his strongest asset was that a lot of the public didn't really know who he was. And then he lent into the daggy dad and the theory is, and it's been written about, is that he actually took ScoMo from Albo. He took that brand, the husky dad who loved his rugby league, who, you know, was a bit sloppy and even the name, he was never really ScoMo. He wasn't called that in school and he wasn't called that before he became treasurer. So that was a branding exercise and he did well. And he, you know, he was seeing them like beach balls against short.
He can't really do that anymore because right now people aren't looking for a daggy dad. They're not really looking for that. And Albanese certainly ditched it. Yeah.
The other thing I think, to be fair to the prime minister going in, he was seen as competent as well. He was a very successful as immigration minister doing what he said he would do. He had that brief stint as family's minister, which didn't hurt his reputation either. And then straight into treasurer. And that's when you can hold the budget, you know, he presented, it was all there. If you can survive immigration without being like having your entire political kind of brand destroyed, that's, that's a pretty good sign.
There aren't many that have. He wasn't coming out and saying scary things for a lot of people like Shorten was, or his elbow hasn't seemed to say too much other than just, this has been cooked. He's cooked this Morrison.
This is not competent. This is what we should be doing. Very good point.
And both sides tend to admit this is going to be a more referendum on the prime minister and the handling of the pandemic than a comparison between two prospective leaders. I'm sure, I'm sure the Morrison team will try and make it that, will go head to head. You know, the other thing that I think the PM will lean into is that family idea. You know, if you heard the end of the press conference last week, wishing his wife a happy anniversary, there'd be more of early prediction, a lot of Jenny and the girls and that family idea.
And one of us, one of the family look at the key marginal seats where they are family suburbs. That's what he can lean into. And that might be the pivot he takes. As opposed to the empty nest of single dad, which Albanese is offering up, but Albanese also has had a change in brand as well. He's got a little bit of a Turnbull light going on, I feel the chinos and the different glasses and then, and he actually is quite seamless in Queensland, which is interesting because he's a real inner city Sydney guy and not inner city Sydney in the, in the sense of like the detached online Twitter kind of brand. He's very much a, you know, South Sydney boy.
Knows the local pubs. Yeah. Knows all that.
And has been there, has been around. He's, you know, he's a two GB kind of identity, talkback radio, you know, and when we say rugby league, we mean it too. He got the rabbit-o's back into the competition. He went toe to toe with, with Murdoch before. And he's kind of maintained those relationships, which Morrison doesn't seem to have done because he, he did kind of come out of nowhere.
Yeah. A back room person that came front room and took that, you know, the marketing idea that went through and had competency and was, was good in the ministerial. But you're right about that. I mean, he's been around for a long time. Yeah. I'm not sure people know a lot about it. Yeah. You sort of always been that third or fourth banana and everyone recognized a good attack dog. Yeah.
It was good off the hip of, of Rod and then Gillard for a while and even shorten, you know, he's a pretty loyal deputy. There's a bit going on in the background for someone, not a deputy, but someone that was in the team. He was pretty loyal.
Yeah. He was fighting Tories, that line he used to have, but that doesn't mean much to people. Yeah. Fighting Tories is a, is a purely political idea. Yeah. What he's trying to do now is mean things to people. Yeah. Do you think this has been like a 20 year plan for Albanese to wait it out or is this just landed in his lap? I think they landed in the lap. Yeah. I think he would have liked it when, when he went toe to toe with Shorten after the, the end of the Rod Gillard, Rod years. That was when it was good time, but he's there. Yeah.
He's got the experience, you know, he's got the pretty loyal and, and similar team around him still. And you know, you can unite a pretty young front bench that looks pretty talented at the moment. And a lot of up and comers there. So it's, it's a good side to take in. Yeah.
However, he hasn't been tested at that top level, which is the election. And that's where, where Scott Morrison is, is proven.
You'd think that the media would be trying to land punches by now on Albanese. That's one thing I would say, because they're certainly doing it to Morrison Morrison's he's in the ringer every day and he, and he's, he's become a bit too familiar with the 24 hour news cycle where he can't really keep up with his own kind of narratives that he's putting forward. I mean, I would say Djokovic is an example of that. Everyone kind of saw that as him as a bit of a dead cat on the table and it's kind of come back. It's, it's a Macron all over again. It's come back to bite him and it might actually blow up at the Australian open with a microphone in Novak's hands. It could easily and become world news when Novak wins.
Yeah. It's world news already. That's yeah.
But it's also searching for that. He's searching for something, right? Searching for his attack line.
Yeah. It's very much what Howard used to do, right? He'd be back at this stage and be behind and we'd be thinking, Oh, Simon Crane, he's going to be prime minister or Kim Beazley again, or Mark Latham might be prime minister and Howard would always find his way. He'd find his issue and just hone in and be so disciplined on the message and Peter Costello was at his side. Again, discipline, discipline was all about those campaigns, whether Morrison has the team to do that. He certainly has the discipline. Yeah.
He can campaign. You know, he's a talented campaigner.
He's just finding his issue at the moment. We've seen a couple of swings and misses so far. What does he attack Albo and Labour on? I don't know.
Government, get government out of your life. That was one angle he was running, but it's kind of like, we kind of need it. Yeah. We want them more in our life. Government's in our life. They haven't been in government for 10 years. Yeah. That's the other weird part.
Like it's hard to keep attacking an opposition when they haven't had that. It was six pretty chaotic years under, I guess, taxes.
And that's one of the reasons I think we will be going in May. I've spoken to a couple of ministers in the last week and they both said the PM wants a budget.
Yep. Makes sense. And that's at the end of March. Is it? Yeah. Early March, I think. Yeah. Okay. So you'd take the budget and then you can launch your campaign from there. Sweetness.
The first budget with no tax. Forget the deficit.
It's fine. So what do you think will, I mean, Morrison hasn't found an opening on labor to land just yet, but you would have thought that they would be, there'd be talk of retiree taxes and that kind of shit. Like it had already, it already heated up from short and this far out.
Do you think Albanese has some allies across the board? Like he, he always kept pretty tidy even with the opposition. Like he always kept pretty good relationships in like pivotal Turnbull MPs and him were good mates. People like him. Yeah. And politics has been there so long too. So he's seen them from when they were, were backbenchers. And perhaps when he was the, the infrastructure minister, he would talk to them and would be happy to reach out to both. So that's where he's got that goodwill.
I think the best allies that he's going to have are the premiers, Mark McGowan, Anastasia Palaszczuk to an extent, Dan Andrews, but these are, you know, particularly those first two are huge kingmakers in the biggest States or the most important States come this election. Tribalism will pay such a big part in this election, won't it? With the closed borders, firing up the crudes, the crudes, people living in a cave over in Western Australia. There's been some pretty emotive language thrown around against the premiers by the prime minister.
That brings us to the next point. Seats to watch. What are you, what are you kind of looking at here?
I mean, obviously Queensland as a whole, seeing a lot of candidates Labour's putting forward in central Queensland that kind of hark back to the old days of labour with a lot of goatees, a lot of, you know, a lot of kind of a, not going to lose that Adani election twice. A lot of male pattern baldness going on down there.
No greens caravans up to, Bob Brown will not be allowed across the country.
That's one thing they've been trying to land is labour more like secret greens. It's like, I don't actually think you can do that when you've got names like Russell Robertson and shit like that kind of being thrown around up there. CFMEU members, like out and proud card carrying union officials. Well, I think that that's where they, they saw all those votes go to one nation last time and that wasn't just in Queensland, it drifted into the Hunter as well as a couple of seats there. We'll get to later on, but that's certainly something they've negated. It's pretty smart by labour to get rid of that. Get Anastasia Palace out there, you know, she's had a big election win since the last federal election. That's kind of working and there's a couple of seats up there, two or three in particular that is really for taking, you know, I know that labour guys love the idea of winning Flynn. That's the local mayor that's, you know, he's a good candidate, the local mayor that's a good candidate up there.
The other one, Longman, which is what Roy's old seat, just that it hasn't, that's one that flips back and forth a bit. There's talk of Leichhardt in the far north.
Yeah. Warren. Yeah, Warren Ansch.
He's a good local member though. That would be a hard, a hard seat to take. He's never announced whether he's running again or he's not, he's kind of at retirement age. There's a few of those around.
Yeah. The thing is, I mean, that's all in the tourist dollar, locked out. So whether the PM can try and play that off against Anastasia, cause it's her, Anastasia Palaszczuk, cause it's her, her electorate and the Premier's got the border clock. I don't know.
But, um, Queensland is one that always goes, it's how Rudd won. You know, it's how, it's in many ways how Scott Morrison won last time. He won Queensland.
Yeah. Well, he said that on his speech. He said, how good's Queensland? And he meant it. Yeah.
Those, those central Queensland ones are interesting. The Bundy, Mackay, Rocky, traditionally have decided elections, like the rural labor kind of exists there and Kevin brought it all back. It's Queensland means a lot more to them than, than, you know, pundits down South will, will think.
Yeah. And with Anastasia, I mean, Anastasia flipped all those seats on a state level. So it will be, it'll be, it'll be interesting to watch there.
And what happened in that election? Remember we spoke about the Queensland election, the one nation vote collapsed and went back to labor.
It didn't go back to the right. And everyone thinks it comes from the right. It bleeds from the left.
It bleeds from the labor movement, the labor, I think it's coal miners worried about jobs. Jobs are really important to people. And that might be the, that might be the PM's election pitch and the old jobs and growth of the term 2016 days. Jobs are important. I mean, there's an interesting angle that labor's running on that one too, because they are bringing coal miners on board. And that, that that's a conversation that, you know, people have said over the years when, when labor lost their way under shorten on this issue is that you actually, some people were saying this and they weren't really being listened to at the time, but you do need to bring these industries, carbon exposed industries with you on this journey.
If you even are thinking about transition into renewables or whatever, because what we'll end up seeing, and this is what people will vote because they're nervous about they'll vote on this issue is the taxis and Uber, you know what I mean? We said, no, no one consulted a cab driver on what they thought about Uber and how that was going to affect them.
We ended up with a very complicated set up where now it just doesn't work. Yeah. Every dollar from every fair goes to a taxi driver or something like that. It was just messy. And it was, it was pitched as innovation and the future, and it just fucked over an entire workforce. So labor, it is a smart idea to bring coal miners on board to have these conversations because, you know, and we've seen it with JobKeeper that there are ways to, uh, you know, furlough a workforce or parlay one on board. Yeah.
Geez, it costs a lot though. Um, we can't afford rats.
So, um, the other one, I mean, you saw where Albo was last week. He was up, you know, Albanese he's up there with, with Jim Chalmers. He's all of a sudden becoming the, the front man for labor and his landings and punches to his lines are sharp, like he's become the guy. So we may end up seeing, you know, Jim Chalmers and Josh Frydenberg probably two of the better performers at both parties going head to head a bit as the treasurer and shadow treasurer. And Albo's made sure, or whether he's made sure, but he's been pretty good at staying off the papers down in Sydney about what he's been doing in Queensland, visiting all the coal mines, stopping into these towns, he's made his presence felt there, but it hasn't really shortened, like the, the two-face saying one thing in Melbourne and another thing in the coal mines.
I wonder if the threat's a bit less from the Greens this time around, too, the election stakes feel bigger. Yeah. Uh, I guess the world events have been bigger in the last three years. You know, all of a sudden we've had the bushfires, the pandemic, you know, the, the economic management of the pandemic, which would be a strength for the Morrison government.
They got everyone through, kept everyone jobs, but it was one, it was one until they tried to distance themselves from their own goodwill. Like it, to the point now where they're making people pay for, you know, RITs, it's, that's a long leap from job keeper to buy your own tests. And in terms of cost, I mean, it's chalk and cheese, right? But they, they will play on that again, jobs, jobs. And so that's where everything feels a bit bigger.
So that, that tendency to vote third party would be diminished. I would think what one nation should take a hit. Then you would imagine in places like Queensland, you would think so, but then I'm not sure how much that one nation messages is hitting home. If people I've just had rats of both parties, maybe that's the option. I mean, Clive Palmer certainly thinks there must be some, yeah, the gutful vote that we've had a gut full of their liars will teach them.
Yeah. Freedom, freedom, freedom. That's a big one that's been thrown around. And, and it's actually one that both the major parties are distancing themselves from the term freedom, because it means something completely different. Yeah.
So that's Queensland's obviously big Tassie three really interesting seats in Tassie bounces back and forth a bit bass and Braden are the two at the North, like one Northwest one Northeast. They tend to TikTok a lot. I think the lips hold both of them. Now they're defending the smaller electorates. One of the margins is 600. One of them is a bit safer. And then there's a labor seat in the middle of those two that the pretty keen on. I think they've got to, they think they can get after the, the member there. It's a set of lions, which lives one back in 2013 in the Abbott slide. They can get that back. So weirdly, we start looking to Tassie.
I think she's in bass. She was the one that crossed the floor on ICAC on the federal ICAC. So she was making a bit of a name for herself locally. A bit, a bit, a bit, she's got a bit of Jackie, you know, a little bit.
Yeah. And sees where the votes are there too. So what about WA? This is almost something we can't predict.
Like, you know, in December, everyone was laughing at McGowan saying he's going to have to walk himself off this tight rope. Everyone's got plans to open up.
He does not. Christmas is ruined. He couldn't give a fuck.
And now he's been vindicated by the fact that there's only now 30 cases, which could turn as we know into 30,000 in a week. But he still made the effort and he's held the line. And they, they appreciate that from him. Well, he was punished by only winning 53 of the 59 seats.
And then they really took it to one of the three, uh, of the opposition that held seats is now, uh, under investigation for horrendous crimes. So, uh, I think, yeah, one of three in opposition is now being investigated for the child pornography in WA. So that's not a good look for them on a state level, especially when they put up an opposition leader, who's a young kid that they know is just kind of get taken with a baseball bat and then he retired and got out of there.
Yeah.
Swan Pierce has luck at the three. So Pierce's Pierce was Porter.
Yeah. Okay. But they also, there's also an opinion amongst the lives that they're a better chance of winning it without Christian Porter than now. Yeah. Okay.
Because of all the baggage that once, you know, the former future prime minister, it looks like a clean slate. If they bring someone a little bit here and there, but there's other seats over there beyond those that are now under threat as well. And they, they wiped a seat out because of the redistribution on top of all of that, you know, things aren't hard enough, like Mark McGowan's become Scott Morrison's chief antagonist, almost they've gone toe to toe, you know, the PM will eventually get over there and be the truck, the libs, there's a big chance he won't be able to get there though, before an election, right? That's why I think another reason I think we're going in may not, it's hard to call an election on the 29th of January, not be able to go to one of the states without quarantining. But the other thing is that, you know, the liberal, one of the best, uh, campaigners that libs had certainly one of the best campaign, I think the country's seen in the last few generations as Julie Bishop, West Australian. She's not there anymore. So whether they can, you know, politely ask her to get back on the campaign trail and whether she politely declines or, you know, that's going to be hard for them to keep her old seat, but they won't have her star power profile fundraising power to pay money to go and talk to hear her talk.
Like it's, that means things. Yeah.
Who are the people to look out for in terms of, um, high profile characters in the liberal party? Now there's not a lot. There's obviously Dutton Morrison. Who else are we looking for? Hunt's gone. Talent spreading quite kind of thin.
This happens when you have like generational wars between the two factions. Do you think like labor went through it after, after 2013?
The only man standing was Swan really at the end of it all.
Yeah. He looked around and like Nicola Roxanne or Steve Smith over in WA, Greg Kombay here, they're all gone and they got the hell out of there. Yeah. Um, so it's hard. Look, Josh Frydenberg certainly draws a crowd still and, and, and he's a good media performer and, and, you know, he works hard, not, not afraid to talk. Yeah.
The PM obviously is a, is a good campaigner and I think he'll be putting himself very much front and center. He's great on optics. That's what he's great on. Not so good on messaging at the back end of his first term. For example, the, the Thursday press conference, 15 minutes of waffle, finishing strong with happy anniversary, Jenny.
Yeah. But when all the world's tennis journalists were turning into, people up at midnight in New York, all of Eastern Europe was watching that press conference and there was not one comment about it and it's been deferred and lot like net zero, the tough decisions kind of get deferred. They get, you know, they're deferred until the very last minute and they try and do it in the dead of the night. Which in itself might be decision to do that. Yeah. You know, every decision becomes a risk now and every risk becomes a decision. Yeah. And so like, if there is no, no good answer, then maybe just hold off. Yeah.
What are we thinking here with, uh, I mean, Freidenberg's he's, he's the hypothetical for after the election. If Morrison finds himself in a position where he's no longer leader of his own party, what happens, who is next in the, we've mentioned Freidenberg, but he's also got his own baggage with the factions. You know, he's going to, he would struggle. Ku Yong Jewish man kind of doesn't really land with a lot of these kind of power brokers in the, uh, you know, outside of the cities within the LNP or within the coalition, particularly up in Queensland.
Yeah. Who are we thinking? Who is their next, I mean, I would think particularly if, if, if the liberal party lose the, like the coalition loses the election, I would imagine Peter Dutton would be a pretty, a pretty devastating opposition leader. Yeah. He certainly can, can land a hit. Yeah.
Um, is he a chance of losing his seat potentially? Uh, that, that comes up every three years it feels and every three years it feels like he wins it and wins it pretty comfortably. That's another thing I think Labour are a little more focused on this time around. You know, last time we, we shortened, it was big picture, you know, they were talking about generational wipeout from the way everything was going. I think you'll see Labour focus on really winning 76 seats, maybe 78, maybe 79. If they're lucky, you only need 76 to win. I think the mortgage belt is a, is a tricky one for Labour.
Yeah. I think that, I think that's their focus. They're not going to go big and say, we're going to win Cooyong or Higgins or, you know, I think we'll just, that their focus would be, yeah, that's what they're going to win. And then the same, that's what the liberal party have done so well. Yeah. You know, they, they just win. Yeah, they do.
And I mean, the pine used to make that joke all the time, election women machine will look back the last 30 years. It's not a bad line. Well, the last hundred years, Labour have won from opposition twice in the last hundred, maybe even 200 years. So it's an interesting one, but like who else is in the wings? I just want to think about that carefully for, for the liberals, because if there's another question to ask, if they do win, the coalition wins again, we get another four years of like factional drop-offs who is next in the wings, this sucker.
Is that how you say it? Yeah. Michael Souka. Yeah. Souka. He would be a rising kind of talent, but still deep in the factional shit. Yeah. I think that's the same with Labour though. Yeah.
Rising talent's always deep in the factional stuff as it appears early. Um, Trent Zimmerman, you know, is fairly Karen Andrews up on the current home affairs minister. She's at a meteoric rise. She's from the Gold Coast, sort of popular, you know, there's, there's people coming through, I would say that the generation next for Labour has had more publicity and more experience just cause they've been in opposition. So you kind of have to, you cut your teeth. And there's a bit of cream that's been able to rise without being cut down. So yeah, that's a, that's an interesting one. You mentioned Zimmerman there because that brings me to, to the other, the other point, and it's going to be a big thing to watch this election is the independence Zimmerman's got a, um, I guess you'd say a turquoise young woman coming up against him. We've got Allegra spender in out there in Wentworth and Turnbull's old seat, you know, actually from a big liberal family and daughter of Carlos and party, like, you know, heritage out there in the eastern suburbs of Sydney. Then we've got Zoe Daniels down there in Goldstein. We've got a couple more popping up.
It's, it's, it seems to be a formula. It's, uh, it's, it's the Zali, it's the Zali DNA, right? It's coordinated.
Yeah, that's for sure. Yeah. I, the libs don't seem concerned about that at all. Okay.
I mean, they may have to spend a bit more time at home. I don't know whether, whether, you know, Dave Sharma's looking at it and Wentworth, I mean, he's, he's, he's been there before he's had a run against independence before he knows that they, they seem to think this is a, the two horse races in those electrics. It's one of those things where there's a bit of profile and a bit of media attention around it, but realistically at the end of the day, people aren't voting in big numbers for them. They just seem to think, and you know, look at the history. There's not many independents that fight their way in, particularly in cities. And particularly with that, this new model of, you know, homes of court money funding, it's basically a third party that's coming through the ranks here and you're right.
It's new England. It's like, you can't predict where an independent's going to be. You know, Barnaby Joyce is one of the safest national seats in the country in new England was independent for years, Catter in Kennedy. You know, you don't, you don't, you don't, I haven't got anyone popping up in Maranoa yet.
Little Prout's probably pretty safe. Popped down pretty bloody quickly.
If they do, Prout will join labor before an independent wins there. Even Peter Anderton out in Calaire in South Wales. He was there for years. Like once those, once those regional independence get in, they tend to stay in Wilson Tucky, who I think had a party affiliation in Western Australia, but was so wild, he may as well have been an independent. There's a few of them once they get in, they stay in, but it's just hard.
Yeah. Zali will stay. Yeah. If she gets through this one, yep. The Libs will fight pretty hard for that seat. Win back Warringah. Exactly.
It's just hard. It's hard to stay in.
Karen Phelps let that in Wentworth. You know, won it, got a seat and was out the next one.
Like it's, it costs so much to have a side. She was in for three months. Just costs so much.
And then, you know, state level, we're seeing it. There's quite a few of them here in Sydney. There's a pretty good local member that's doing well, but just, just hard, hard to win seats like that when there's, there's so much. The media reach is so big. If you're in one of those regional towns, you can be on the news every night as an independent. If you're in Melbourne, it's pretty hard to get on the news once a week as an independent. Like it's just, that's what makes it difficult. Tony Windsor would just walk into the Tamworth newspaper, channel seven, just tell them what's up.
You know what Cata does? Like he'll drive an hour, he'll hook up his own thing. There's some with their own, you know, little satellite setups they go into. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, it's the worst case scenario, the worst case scenario for the Libs is they win, but lose all their brains to some independence. They win, but have to have to negotiate. Yeah, I think either party in, in minor party, look, that might be one of the, well, they lose their moderates anyway, that might be one of the liberal parties campaign ideas too, that you either get liberal majority or labor minority, in which case that's when you can pitch to the, then they're going to Adam Bant or, you know, we get back to that Gillard 2010 feel when it was, you know, Oakeshot and Cata and Tony Windsor every time we rolled around.
A bit exciting. We don't need another three years like that. Or just another 22 days.
They had sandwiches at every meeting cause Bob was hungry. But uh, Jacinda Ardern and, and, and Bill English went through with Winston over and just, Winston ended up being a great attack dog for Jacinda in the end. You went fishing for a week and they all just waited.
Now just lastly, I want to, and this is obviously something that we can't really talk on, you know, from our own, like our own opinions don't really matter this much, but data might say something and I'm not sure what you're seeing, but this, this, the women's safety, you know, the primal scream at the election obviously has come into consideration in terms of picking candidates across the country, the Libs know that they need to change just how they look on paper. And, and labor's kept it at 50, 50 of new candidates, uh, male, female split. Do you think this is something they're thinking about? It should be something that everyone's thinking about. I think we can all agree that, you know, that women are underrepresented in the parliament, we say as three blokes sitting here talking. Um, but, Parliament of desert rocket. But certainly I think my feeling gut instinct is as has happened in every election we've seen so far is the top issue is the top issue and that's coronavirus and it just wipes everything else out and it all becomes on how you handled and if you did it well.
What was it? What was it? 2019 negative gearing. What do you think it was?
Yeah, probably. Yeah.
Retiring, franking credits, climate change, jobs again, like taxes and taxes, a big thing then too. And everyone was changed. Change was the issue last time. And now, and now actually they're looking for a bit of it. So yeah, but look, it might be, it might be this, this, this deeply, um, angry fed up coalition of women and some men that need to see change on that issue. You know, the one candidate that sort of been on the sideline to that, but we haven't spoke with David Pocock in, in WA, like he sort of, sorry, in ACT, he sort of gets on board with that independent, you know, pro environmental thing.
What do you think? You spent a bit of time in Canberra. What did you think?
He's got a shot down there. It's going to be really hard. Yep. Really hard. Who's going to knock off? There's only two. Yeah.
Zed Sizelja is usually the second on the list. He's the, the coalition, uh, former state opposition leader, just a bit further out of Genghis Khan. He is very bright.
Yep. Um, good communicator, very keen, young, young, very bright. Um, I think that's hard. Yep. That's hard. My profile, maybe. Yeah.
Be hell of a thing if he did it or, or in the other way, you know, knocked out the labor center that with Katie Gallagher there, maybe that's, I don't know, it's hard though, but back to the issue, the women's, the women's vote. Yeah, I look, I don't know that there's a lot of, a lot of votes that will be changed through all that, which is what obviously, you know, labor start behind, they need to change votes. The coalition, our government now. So whether that changes enough votes in the right place, we'll wait and see who knows there's five months to go to, there could be so.
Well, we never know. You never know what's going to be the issue next week.
Yeah. Each week there seems to be a new thing with the government. What are some of the things you think that might pop up over the next couple of months, particularly for both sides? Like what is it that they might start attacking Albo on, I know I said earlier, but things that will pop up that will cause headaches for him and are there things with the liberal side of things, liberal national side of things that are kind of foreseeable, like the rat shortage, people were talking about that before it happened. Is there going to be other stuff coming up over the next couple of months that it's like, that was obviously coming up. And you have to give answers before the election.
Yeah, yeah, exactly. On shortages, Joe Biden last week put in a bid order for a heap of N95 and those high quality masks. Let's wait and see what happens with those. Yeah. If masks become the next big thing that you need the best kind of mask, because all of a sudden, like if that becomes another thing that we're all in line for, like, let's, let's see what happens with that. The cute masks. Yeah. You need the better masks and all of a sudden that bit of cloth that we've all been, maybe that's one on the short term.
The budget is, is, is the Liberal Party's big chance to, to reset this and to hone in on a message of we're going to create jobs, we're going to lower taxes, we're getting the economy back going, bit of juice in the economy, people have money to spend, all the, all the house savings been there, maybe it's house prices, all of a sudden interest rates are going up again. Yeah, but I think that's, that's the big one. If they can get a message on the economy and say, this is how we're creating jobs, this is how we're going to get more money. And hopefully we're past this thing and now we're the sound economic managers, where you don't want to throw it over to labor now.
Exactly. The other thing is, you know, there is always the threat of China or Russia. Oh, the Khaki election, we haven't even spoken about that, the tanks and submarines. I mean, that's one for another time. But is that a sign of desperation when we're talking about war? Yeah, it's a, it's never a good thing if you're talking about war usually, but it's also some national security, you got to focus on it. Yeah, yeah. But in these times, you know, there's always just that threat.
And if Russia starts playing up in Ukraine or China come back into the field, and we that and that she does that she like that is how McGowan got in. Like everyone forgets that Pauline, the libs had backed Pauline for a preference deal. And Pauline made comments where she supported Putin after that plan and come down with some Perth family on it.
Yeah. And they took baseball bats out on the libs over that. So that and the anti vac stuff before before any of this like real early, no jab, no play stuff. Yeah, it's there, there'll be something that pops up. Yeah. And that's the other thing that we can never know. It is it is who would have thought that the Orca submarine deal would turn into macron at Glasgow, you know, lighting up Australia, you know, no one knows what is being checked off and what is being looked after and what is being followed up on and what's around the corner and and labor don't need to worry about that right now. Like, they don't need to worry about the fine print for that whatever they're saying, they can just say free rats. competency. But then also, yeah, that the libs have proven in the past, they're good at jumping on those things. Yeah, yeah, taking advantage of opportunities. As I said, john howard was the master of it. Yeah. And john howard has a keen ear of Scott Morrison, who he listens to and maybe yeah, okay. Well, it's interesting.
We won't ask you for your predictions. It's too far out.
But I will get your phone number and message you leading up to after it gets announced just to put on some bets. Okay, we'll talk individual seats. Yes, please. One that might go to the green really sad on television because badly. Thanks for joining us today. Charles Croucher anytime get better soon. |
TheOnion | New_Texas_Law_Requires_Schools_To_Display_Image_Of_God_Hung_Like_A_Horse_In_Every_Classroom | A new Texas law is requiring every school classroom to display an image of God hung like a horse. In an effort to remind students of traditional Christian values, the new law mandates prominently presenting a depiction of the Lord's massive, throbbing member for all to see. According to Texas Governor Greg Abbott, this law is important for students to understand how the almighty Father is, quote, "...completely meted up with a fat, honking schlong." While some critics have argued that God's fire hose has no place in the classroom, Governor Abbott argues that with the lack of education at home, there is no other way for students to appreciate how fat and veiny the Creator's divine cock truly is. The law further mandates that most images should be displayed near the flag, so that every morning students can also pledge allegiance to God's enormous penis.
The updated Texas Sex Ed curriculum now instructs children how to stone whores. Students in both middle school and high school will receive comprehensive guidance for identifying harlots and executing them for their disgusting, lustful ways. With a renewed focus on the importance of how sexually promiscuous women corrupt the male mind, Texas health classes will address how to ostracize these sluts from society and ultimately slaughter them in excruciatingly painful public executions. The Texas Sex Ed curriculum also now requires students to take a large stone home for the weekend so they can practice carrying out God's divine wrath upon all whores.
This perfect 4.0 student claims that he was rejected from college simply for being a white rapist. Despite having straight A's throughout all of high school and a 1410 SAT score, a local Texas student, Ashton Wheeler, believes that due to affirmative action, he was not admitted to any of his choice universities simply because he's Caucasian and has committed sexual assault. According to Wheeler, it's unfair that some of his black and Latinx classmates were accepted to many of the colleges he applied for, even though they had worse grades than him and had never raped anyone. Wheeler noted that because of these rejections, he would instead be pursuing a non-traditional education at Prager U. It's officially fall, y'all!
So today, I'm going to show you how to make my award-winning chili. Even though it seems like no matter how many chili cook-offs I win, everyone still only sees me as that school shooter's mom. Fresh ingredients and my homemade blend of secret spices has made this the Tri-State Cook-Off's Blue Ribbon Chili winner for three years running. But that apparently means nothing compared to the seven kids my son killed and the dozens more wounded. At the first chili cook-off I entered, instead of congratulating me on my win, all the judges could talk about was how many children my son had killed a few months before. Which frankly, is pretty unfair. A lot of trial and error went into this chili to make it perfect. Beef AND chorizo, a dash of liquid smoke, chipotles, but I guess I'm still just the evil woman who raised a monster. You know, if it weren't for that one little incident two years ago, everyone would know me as the best chili cook in the state.
How many trophies do I have to win, huh? Just give me a number. Hundreds? Thousands?
I should be known as Debbie the Chili Queen. Instead, I'm the woman who bought her son an AR-15. And no, my chili was not so good it threw my son into a murderous rage. Let's just forget about my son and look how good this chili is topped with cheese, sour cream, and crumbled tortilla chips! |
ClickHole | weird_thoughts_everyone_who_believes_airports_are_jails_for_planes_has | Whew, this place is scary. I wonder what these planes are locked up in here for. They must have done something really bad. I know they deserve to be here, but I can't help but feel sorry for them.
Look at all these planes. They all have gang tattoos. These guys are hard core. I guess they show a list of who's coming out and who's coming in. The planes sure have a lot of visitors. It's nice to know their friends haven't forgotten them. I'm sure it's safe. There are guards everywhere. So many planes.
So many lives wasted. What do the inmates do when they're released after you is in jail? How would you even go about rebuilding your life?
I bet if we spent more on education, there would be fewer planes in jail. Stay calm. The plane isn't going to hurt you. It doesn't want to stay here any longer than it already has. These planes aren't monsters.
Some of them just made a mistake when they were young. They deserve a second chance. This plane is so happy to finish serving its term. I know a lot of ex-cons end up back in prison, but I think this one's going to be alright. It was interesting to visit prison, but I never want to go back. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Bulletin_11_11_19_Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Hello and welcome back to the Batutah Advocate News Bulletin today is Monday the 11th of November we're recording live from Baxter Boots Studios in downtown Batutah you're joined by myself Clancy Overall and editor-at-large Errol Parker how are you Errol?
Good mate how are you?
Well thanks mate bit smoky out in Batutah today bit smoky all around the country if you're not on fire you're at least seeing the smoke that is of course unless you're in one of those elite southern capital cities as a deputy prime minister pointed out earlier this morning then you wouldn't see the smoke and you wouldn't see the fire and you wouldn't know what's going on so keep your mouth shut anyway to hear more about that we're going to hand over to the Jane Azza party of the Diamantina Shire Wendell Hussey what's happening in the news today Wendell?
The fires are happening in the news Clancy as you pointed out and our first story for the week is local raving inner-city lunatic asks invisible skyman to stop the bushfires yes that man is Scott Morrison who is most famous for performing the duties of the Prime Minister of Australia under his stage name scomo and he apparently spoke to God earlier today and his polite happy-go-lucky son Jesus about their role in stopping the fires and bringing peace back to regional Was it the self-titled scomo the deputy PM McCormack was talking about today it's hard to know there are a lot of elite inner-city lunatics involved in the political class of Australia some are linking these bushfires to climate change some linking them to God just forgetting about us briefly but Clancy I think it is important to try not to score political points off this issue just like all those people in the inner city are you know these people who think that the Prime Minister is not doing a good job I think he is doing a good job and so is former deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce who has taken the opportunity to say that we need more dams interesting and leaving that political point scoring aside Adam Weiss one of our readers from town left a comment on that story raising an interesting point he said what we need is a more forward-thinking leader one who prays to God during the winter months asking for no bushfires in the coming warmer months a helpful suggestion maybe and in other news from around the nation now Centrelink under fire for blasting you better work bitch by Britney Spears in waiting rooms yes this was a big issue last week the initiative was being tested as a way to motivate Centrelink dependence to ditch Newstart and gain employment which the government believes must be an idea that obviously hasn't occurred to them before they initially wanted to play nine-to-five by Dolly Parton but that almost had a counter effect to finding employment it's not exactly glamorizing full-time work old Dolly so they went with a Britney classic they've also ditched plans to play Rihanna's bitch better have my money which has been rolled out initially as part of the robo debt campaign another song that was proposed was offspring's why don't you get a job I think that has been trialed in certain cities around the country as well what else is in the news went all well plans to make mass compulsory in years 11 and 12 is bullshit says 107 percent of students yes there were calls to make the subject compulsory to ensure that we don't have the parameter eels accountants level of numeracy among the nation's students however that has not gone down well with said students it looks like it'll be met with a lot of opposition who's Franklin one of our readers from down south he text in this week saying in New South Wales they should make legal studies compulsory so 12 year olds know when they're being illegally stripped searched by police yes it is important to know what your current age is when being approached by another zealous sniffer dog and yes a company dog on two legs in some local news from around town now and woman recycling multiple phones in office being assures colleagues she's not a drug dealer yes local woman Jess Hudson was forced to put up with appalling chat from her colleagues about why she had so many burner phones led by a 53 year old boss and self-described office Joker Trevor she was recycling them in her offices mobile must have been as part of Planet Arx National Recycling Week so she flipped the script back on her fellow office workers and told him she was doing good she was doing the right thing indeed and if you've got some old phones get around mobile master and recycling there'll be a link in the show notes about how you can do that and in sports news this week the race had stops the nation and lights up social media took place a few days ago our reporter down south in Melbourne was there to cover it all and one of the stories he broke was Brunswick man with kombucha in one hand and tab slip in the other really sending out mixed signals yeah the youngster who is and I quote hashtag nut to the cup when he is in the presence of his Brunswick friends but secretly yup to a punt when he's not with them was caught in a very compromising position yes with a cherry plum remedy kombucha in one hand and a big box trifecta in the other the young man was forced to lie to one of his share housemates named Jeannie with a straight face telling her it was a bet on the cricket or something watch me punt punt and watch me nay nay I'd say cleanse in other Melbourne Cup news there was some notable entrance in the fashions on the field as always one local man was spewing he didn't take home the title that was a man whose brekkie Canadian club was perfectly matching his white suit lime green tie combo yes the 29 year old construction manager named Braden Cox said he was robbed of the title of fashions on the field before giving a reporter a tip he got from a mate's uncle who knows a trainer and then disappearing into the crowd I think the biggest thing to take out of this story is is that this young man wasn't afraid to say that he doesn't like beer yes but he's also not exactly a great judge on on taste I guess if he's wearing a lime green tarot cash tie well each to their own Clancy we can't all come from big media families like you and finally in the sports world now Margaret Court has criticized Tennis Australia for excluding her like she's some sort of queer yes Margaret Court has once again returned to the headlines this week calling out Tennis Australia for not showing her the same respect as they showed Rod Laver when celebrating the 50th anniversary of her grand slam next year the absolute legend who is also a supporter of the apartheid regime in South Africa and a fundamentalist Christian who also believes that transsexual kids are the work of the devil is adamant she deserves the same treatment especially in her home country instead of being excluded from the same rituals everyone else is allowed to enjoy yes Andrew Kelly commented on that story saying it's like she's demanding some sort of equality here to be treated the same as others regardless of the views of some well maybe one day God can give us back the Don and we'll give her my record maybe we'll see how that plays out anyway that's it for this week's news bulletin thanks for joining us and we'll talk to you again next week until then I'm Wendell Hussey I'm and I'm Errol Parker stay out of the pokies and don't talk to the police they're not your friends especially if you're underage and there's a sniffer dog and you don't have a guardian present showing her the same respect as they showed Rod Laver when celebrating the 50th anniversary of her grand slam next year the absolute legend who is also a supporter of the apartheid regime in South Africa and a fundamentalist Christian who also believes that transsexual kids are the work of the devil is adamant she deserves the same treatment especially in her home country instead of being excluded from the same rituals everyone else is allowed to enjoy yes Andrew Kelly commented on that story saying it's like she's demanding some sort of equality here to be treated the same as others regardless of the views of some well maybe one day God can give us back the Don and we'll give her my record maybe we'll see how that plays out anyway that's it for this week's news bulletin thanks for joining us and we'll talk to you again next week until then I'm Wendell Hussey I'm Clansy Overall and I'm Errol Parker stay out of the pokies and don't talk to the police they're not your friends especially if you're underage and there's a sniffer dog and you don't have a guardian present |
TheOnion | Google_Opt_Out_Feature_Lets_Users_Protect_Privacy_By_Moving_To_Remote_Village | Thanks, Teresa. They call it the opt-out village, and it's just what you'd expect from Google. If you want to keep your information private, all you have to do is move to our 22-acre opt-out village and not speak to anyone from the outside world. It's very simple. Just go to the Google front page, click the opt-out button, and in minutes, a van will come to your house and pick you up. That same day, a team of Google privacy experts eliminates your home address, guaranteeing it will no longer appear on Google local pages. And after just two days in the back of a van, you're there.
In the village, we can guarantee that there's no chance of Google reading your emails because there are no computers. And because they're also monitored and tracked by Google, there are no banks or hospitals. Residents will be expected to know how to grow food, suit your wounds, and bury corpses by hand if they plan to opt out. And Google has gone the extra mile to ensure that users who choose to opt out are given complete privacy in their new home. A 30-foot tall, 10-foot thick physical data security wall keeps all former Google users from leaving the village until they decide they want to start using Google again. The opt-out village can't even be seen by Google satellites because the entire town is enclosed with a large metal box with no openings. Google says those wishing to opt back into using Google after their time in the village will be allowed to do so if they agree to be branded with a whimsical G on their foreheads to label them doubters. If you don't want to give us complete access to your most private thoughts and feelings, that's fine. You can just toil in the hinterlands and die young. And Carter says the opt-out village is already getting rave reviews. One of the first village residents sent this letter praising the total privacy inside the village, saying, all alone, no light, hard to breathe.
Now that's one man whose data is secure. For the Onion News Network, I'm Jeff Tate. Thanks Jeff.
If you have any questions about the opt-out village, type them in an email to a friend and Google will get back to you within 24 hours. And in just a minute, is your child missing out on teen sex parties? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_Jacinta_Price_Figures_That_Optus_Must_Be_Down_After_Not_Receiving_One_Phone_Call_ | Hello and welcome to your weekly Battuta Advocate Bulletin. It is Friday the 20th October and Effie Bateman is here all by herself as Clancy had to go home a little bit early today.
His gout has been acting up a little bit because he's been eating Korean BBQ and rice beer for dinner every night this week and it always attacks just his feet for some reason so they end up swelling quite a lot and he can't wear his boots so he's gone home to put them in a nice bucket. He usually keeps a slightly larger pair of Blundstones at his desk for when this happens but office dog Ruby got stuck into the left one a couple of weeks ago. She just loves anything that's pungent.
I don't know where Errol is actually, he's not really good with communication that one. I assume he's doing something slightly illegal, perhaps shooting an endangered species.
But Wendell will finally be back next week from his three month holiday so we're probably going to force him to do all the Bulletins by himself as punishment. Anyway, here are our top headlines this week and it has been a big week.
As our first story reads, Jacinta Price figures that Optus must be down after not receiving a single phone call from coalition colleagues since campaign ended. Coalition Senator and political flash on the pan Jacinta Price was back at work this week and turning her attention to the real problems after spending months campaigning against an indigenous voice to parliament. First on the agenda was why she couldn't get any decent reception on her phone in Canberra. It comes after the senator noticed she hadn't received one phone call or text message from any of her coalition colleagues since the votes were counted after the indigenous voice referendum last Saturday night. While many have predicted that Jacinta Price would be ditched the moment she had expended her political usefulness, the ambitious senator had high hopes that maybe Peter Dutton would appoint her to some sort of high profile shadow cabinet position, like maybe the shadow minister for Chinese trade wars or the special envoy to ridiculing trans people. But now, the campaign is over, and Jacinta Price probably won't be needed again, until Peter Dutton needs someone to do a welcome to the country or tell the media that Aboriginal people actually really love celebrating the day Captain Cook arrived.
Now for some news on the Batutah Heights district, and a local man smiles at teenagers drinking in the park as he realizes he will never have as much fun as them again. In a heartwarming yet humbling experience, local man Stephen Heywood was on his way meeting some friends and having a night out in the town when he encountered a young group arguing over who's hogging the goonsack and came to the realization that no matter how much money he has, he might never entertain the sheer, unbridled joy that a group of teenagers armed with a budget of $14 can find in a dimly lit park on a Friday evening. He said to us, Yeah, it just hit me then and there. I'm on my way to an exclusive club night, yet I know sitting in a park as a teenager would be way more fun. Speaking to Professor Sophie Higgins, who specializes in social trends, she said, We tend to forget the headache that comes with being a teenager. Lack of freedom, no money, high school drama, and avoiding the police for something as simple as drinking.
Instead, we focus on the fun side. What Stephen is feeling is a common sentiment among former party enthusiasts who used to revel in drug-fueled nights and parks and still wake up at 8 a.m. the next day for an action-packed beach day. Well, I sure do miss my days drinking UDLs in the park. Simpler times. Up next and...
Engineer mate. Slightly odd. A study conducted by Psychology Australia has determined that anyone with an engineering mate can agree they're a bit odd, mostly by the way they respond to social situations and their dogged pursuit of always thinking practically, which works well if you're dealing with a machine but not so much a human being. Characterized by their sharply analytical minds, tendency to commit social faux pas, and ability to ask a thousand questions in the span of five minutes, your engineer mate may require you to explain strange concepts such as emotions and empathy, or the art of being tactful. The advocate spoke to a couple of locals with engineers in their social circles and uncovered some of the weird shit that they do.
Tony, a program manager from Petuda Heights, said, I had to explain to my mate that he needs to be a little nicer when he's turning down girls. He told his last date she was boring him.
Another bloke, Neil, who is a personal trainer from down south, reckons his mechanical engineering mate deliberately does intense workouts while being extremely hungover because he doesn't feel content unless he's doing something to test the limits of his mind and body. Yeah, he'll just stay out drinking until 3am, wakes up at 6 and does powerlifting. It's fucking psychotic.
And lastly, a waiter doesn't know how much trouble he's in after a rich old duck's skim decaf cap isn't hotter than the surface of the sun like she asked for. A cafe inside a Petuda Grove shopping centre that's a popular haunt for many of the old matriarchs of our town's pastoral and mining industry was a scene of an epic blowup this afternoon over a coffee that arrived too cold. While shoppers ran in and out of coals past the bakery and butchers, the dementia cafe is an oasis for tired shoppers and carers who need a place to park their elderly clients while they themselves get a rest. One of the waiters there, Dylan, took the order from an elderly customer who made a point of having their coffee served as close to boiling as the laws of thermal dynamics would allow.
Our reporter was on the scene as Dame Beryl Overall, great-great aunt to the advocate Clancy Overall, went off the rails saying, Oh for heaven's sake! Can't these fools do anything?
I said hut! Anyway, that's what's making news for this week. I hope you have an excellent weekend. See you later.
It conducted by Psychology Australia has determined that anyone with an engineering mate can agree they're a bit odd, mostly by the way they respond to social situations and their dogged pursuit of always thinking practically, which works well if you're dealing with a machine but not so much a human being. Characterised by their sharply analytical minds tendency to commit social faux pas and ability to ask a thousand questions in the span of five minutes, your engineer mate may require you to explain strange concepts such as emotions and empathy or the art of being tactful. The advocate spoke to a couple of locals with engineers in their social circles and uncovered some of the weird shit that they do.
Tony, a program manager from Petuda Heights said, I had to explain to my mate that he needs to be a little nicer when he's turning down girls. He told his last date she was boring him.
Another bloke, Neil, who is a personal trainer from down south, reckons his mechanical engineering mate deliberately does intense workouts while being extremely hungover because he doesn't feel content unless he's doing something to test the limits of his mind and body. Yeah, he'll just stay out drinking until 3am, wakes up at 6 and does powerlifting. It's fucking psychotic.
And lastly, a waiter doesn't know how much trouble he's in after a rich old duck skimmed decaf cap isn't hotter than the surface of the sun like she asked for. A cafe inside a Petuda Grove shopping centre that's a popular haunt for many of the old matriarchs of our town's pastoral and mining industry was the scene of an epic blow up this afternoon over a coffee that arrived too cold. While shoppers ran in and out of coals past the bakery and butchers, the dementia cafe is an oasis for tired shoppers and carers who need a place to park their elderly clients while they themselves get a rest. One of the waiters there, Dylan, took the order from an elderly customer who made a point of having their coffee served as close to boiling as the laws of thermal dynamics would allow.
Our reporter was on the scene as Dame Beryl Overall, great, great aunt to the advocate Clancy Overall, went off the rails saying, Oh for heaven's sake, can't these fools do anything?
I said hut! Anyway, that's what's making news for this week. I hope you have an excellent weekend. See you later. |
dropout | Don_t_Laugh_News_Challenge_Very_Mad_Daddy | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Good evening and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Slender Porkchop. And my name is Tickles.
Our lead story tonight, daddy came back to the house today and was very mad. Daddy said the kitchen was dirty and daddy wanted food. And mad daddy sure was hungry. Mad daddy left to get food. Mad daddy likes big burger. Mad daddy came back with a fat patty. Mad daddy ate and went to sleep on the chair. If you've just joined us, daddy is mad, he ate a burger patty and is now asleep. We'll make sure to get you more daddy updates as they come in.
Allergy season is back, so if you're a sneezy little thing, remember to avoid those scary flowers. Bad news for allergy mutants, and I'm punching you hard with some sports news, it's Punchy Pete. That's right, it's sports time. I'm Punchy Pete, Peach, Punchy Peach, and I'm Peachy and Punchy. The minor league Farmingdale penises are facing a team suspension after they were caught doping with Jelly Bellies. Coach Penis, who can only speak in the language of the penises, defended the team at a press conference saying, and I quote, Penis, Penis. After the statement, Mr. Penis swayed back and forth and waddles off, repeatedly muttering the P word, and by that, I do mean penis.
Sorry to interrupt Punchy, but we're getting an update from the homosexual deer community. The homosexual deer are bravely protesting forest inequality. The deer have been lining up next to the highway, enchanting we're here, we're queer, we're there.
And now let's finish up sports with Punchy. We turn now to hockey. Ding dong! Who's there? How about the Boston Bruins? What do they do?
Well, they showed up for dinner, and they are hungry. I hope you got meat, because this team will eat it raw, and then burn down your house. This is a phenomenal team who will piss on the ashes of your house after they burn it. Let's predict this year, we're gonna go turn it up and dance on their own piss, taunting you, the homeowner of the house. These guys are fierce, and if you have insurance, the whole team will show up to terrify that you, to testify that you burned down your own house. These guys mean business. They're going to the top, and you're going to prison for arson and insurance fraud.
Back to you! Thanks, Homeslice. A local study on men's health recently revealed that Police Chief Gary has diarrhea. Sad to hear. Wait, we're getting an update on Daddy.
It seems Daddy is mad again, because of the garage reeks of raccoon piss. Mad Daddy says raccoons are getting in the pissy garage. Mad Daddy called the garage a total raccoon piss fest, and went to call animal control. But on Daddy's way to the phone, he slipped on spilled juice. Mad Daddy stormed out of the house covered in juice.
That story is developing. We'll keep you up to the minute, thanks to Daddy's daughter, sweet little Lucy. And now, with the celebrity news, let's go over to Van Bones. Thanks. Folks, he's a ladies man, but I'm not talking about the Fonz. I'm talking about the actor who played the Fonz, Henry Winkler.
Last night, Henry and his long-time wife, Stacy, cut it up to their favorite rom-com, Bridget Jones's Diary. But during the movie, we heard there was a major make-out session. Seems like their marriage is in great shape. In other news, Hollywood power couple, Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen were spotted at Horton's Diner. Allegedly, they ordered a couple of biscuits, and they were splitting a bowl of gravy to dip in. They were both doing crossword puzzles, and sometimes they look up at each other and smile.
I'll bet that's so nice. I think about getting kisses all the time, and it makes me smile so much that I want to cry. A kiss, one kiss, would just be the greatest. And if you'd like to meet me for a soda and then maybe some kisses in the parking lot after the soda, please tweet at the station.
Back to you. Thanks, Van.
And we've just gotten word that after daddy left the house, he absolutally stepped in a bucket of shit. When daddy came back to the house, he had juice on his body and poop on his foot. Mommy kept asking why there was a bucket of poop. Mad daddy realized how ridiculous the situation was. He went with the bucket of poop, and he started to laugh a big, deep man laugh.
Now he's glad daddy. It's nice when a story has a happy ending. That's all for us today, but before we go, we'll say that our loser today is David Kerns. Thanks for watching.
No, really? Daddy's gonna be mad. Daddy's gonna be real mad. Hi. I still don't know what I'm about to say because I'm a big, stupid idiot.
If you like that video, you can go to hell. And then you can go to dropout.tv to start your free trial today. For every episode of Breaking News that's here, there's another episode only available on dropout.tv. Until next time, I'm Grant O'Brien, which is Irish for Grant of Bryan. |
cracked | swaim_is_dead | A minor internet notable, Michael Swank, reported that he was most often drunk and diatribes against actress Angela White. Oh, that! That's prepping the list. The 10 dead things about Mike Swank. All of them, everything. The list into the hound dog. Damn it, Mike.
Why'd you do it? No, what the f**k?
Oh, Janice... Mike? Oh. Hey. Guy? It's Dan, from Cracked. Uh...
Stay right there. I'll be down in a second.
Oh my god, it is you! This is incredible! We all thought you were dead. We've been searching for you for days. We met at Janice's thing, right? No, it's Dan. I'm your partner. We folded a bomb threat together, we took heroin together. You borrowed tape from me that time? Oh my god, tape guy! But, how the hell did you find me?
I'm off the grid. What? You're at the pier. It's like a block from the office. It's our office, there. God damn you, grid!
Mike, I just have so many questions. Why did you leave? Where have you slept? How did you grow that awesome beard?
All in good time, my friend. For now, please.
I haven't had anything to eat in days except those chili dogs from that booth on the pier. Oh my god, so good. Have you had one of those? I haven't had a chance to. Well, what are we waiting for?
You're buying, though. I gotta stay off the grid. Sure. All expensive. How about that? Sure. Oh, shit. My wallet's gone. Oh, right. I took it while we were hogging. Sorry. I guess that's what a life on the streets will do to a man. You mean the beach? In a couple of days? I would also like a cotton candy. Okay, you've had your food, now what happened? Oh, um, alright.
So, Malcolm gets a job designing weapons for the military. Reese becomes a janitor. Not on Malcolm in the middle.
To you. What happened to you? Oh, I found out you were leaking jokes to Broke.com, and I decided to take the fall. What?
I wasn't leaking jokes to Broke. Dan, it's okay. I found the faxes. All the leaked jokes to Broke were signed to T-Bone. But I'm not T-Bone.
Sure you are. I nicknamed you that. Episode two. No, you wanted to, but...
Remember, we were at the copier, and the real T-Bone showed up, and he's like, Oh, I'm Thelonious Bone. And then I said, that's even cooler than T-Bone. That's even cooler than T-Bone. Yeah. Well, then the only question is who, or what, is T-Bone. T-Bone. T-Bone is T-Bone.
Oh, right. Michael, we gotta get back to the office. We need to tell the chief about this.
Fine by me. This thing itches like a motherf***er. Why were you even wearing a fake beard? Oh, it wasn't fake. So, it kind of turns your desk into a bird sanctuary?
Gasp! Dan! T-Bone, he's T-Bone. I'm Dan! You're going somewhere, fellas. T-Bone, you're not going to get away with this. As soon as the chief finds out... Gasp! The chief! I heard that guy!
Michael, shut up! Why couldn't you just stay dead?
Hey, that's my gun! That's right, this is your gun.
And tomorrow the papers will tell the sad story of a man driven insane by guilt who returned to the cracked offices to kill his partner before offing himself with his own cracked-issued gun. Wait a minute! Am I the man or the partner? The man.
That is sad. Boonius, listen to me, okay? You don't have to do this. You left me no choice!
T-Bone! Beware, Klingon elders. T-Bone is among you.
Fendi, you saved me! But where did you get a gun? It's my craft issue. Okay, so does everybody get a gun except me?
Am I the only one... Holy s***! I can't believe I never noticed that before. But, um...
Ben, does everything work out okay? Ben?
No, the way I see it, there's still one important question left. That's T-Bone, right there. Then my second question is... You want to know how I figured out T-Bone's plan? No, I don't care about that. My second question is... What is this and sub-question? May I press it?
Michael, where did you get that? I took it when I stole your wallet. I was going to trade it for some pulled taffy.
No way! Listen to me, when I was first hired here, the Chief gave me that as a fail-safe device. I'm to use it whenever you pose a threat to yourself or others, or national security, or whatever. Michael, it is the only way this company wouldn't share you. The results will not be good.
What? Pfft! That's crazy! Dan, you're crazy. And to prove it to you, I'm pressing this button. What? Pfft! If that's the thing for my car, then where's the... Oh, I got that too. Huh.
I could've sworn I cleaned you out. My street habits must be weakening. Gasp! How are you holding up? I miss you. Get away. It gets so hard sometimes. Don't touch me. No, yeah, I know. It is.
And where were you today? Tebow's funeral was... two hours ago?
Tape guy. I liked him.
I'm... forget it. So, uh, when does that thing come off again? Oh, like another week. The friggin' thing sucks.
I can't ride roller coasters or nothing. Still, gotta be careful. Don't wanna relapse. Relapse?
Hey, Mandy. Hey, Mike. One day, Mike. One day.
You like her? Yeah. What? Since forever. Why?
I boned her. You what? Yeah, a bunch of times. Remember that time I said I was boning your mom? I was actually boning Mandy, but I lied, because I didn't want to make you mad. You son of a bitch!
Hey, it's all right. I'll get it.
No!
Okay, shh. It's all right. Everything's gonna be all right.
Help! Oh! Oh, God! Wait! Oh, great.
My head exploded again. Was... two hours ago? Aw, tape guy. I liked him. I'm... forget it. So, uh, when does that thing come off again? Oh, like another week?
Friggin' thing sucks. I can't ride roller coasters or nothing. Just don't. Gotta be careful.
Don't want to relapse. Relapse?
Hey, Mandy. Hey, Mike. One day, Mike. One day.
You like her? Yeah. What? Since forever. Why?
I boned her. You what? Yeah, a bunch of times. Remember that time I said I was boning your mom? I was actually boning Mandy, but I lied because I didn't want to make you mad. You son of a bitch!
Hey, it's all right. I'll get it. Whoa! Whoa, bro. Dan, are you trying to strangle me? I gotta get the strap. Hey, cut it out! We cool? Okay. Hey, hey. What? Okay. It's all right. Everything's gonna be all right. Oh, God. Wait! Oh, great. My head exploded again. |
cracked | 3_stupid_superhero_movies_that_redeemed_themselves_yboc | Hey there, nerds, and welcome to another installment of Your Brain on Cracked. I'm the guy that wore a green shirt to my green screen show. Because, you know, after 60 episodes of this, I'm worse than ever. And Dave said I should take the shirt off, which I'm pretty sure means that I'm gonna win a lawsuit soon.
So let's talk about movies. There are enough films out there so actively shitty, a movie proctologist could probably get rich enough to become a movie gynecologist. I failed to, and I trusted me. We're not talking about those movies. We're talking about movies that redeem themselves with one little scene that makes me forgive the rest of the admittedly not that great film.
Did you enjoy the plot of the third X-Men movie? Trick question, goof butt. The correct answer is which one, because there are actually three of them depending on how you solve for X. It's so convoluted that even one of those third movies, Gene Roddenberry's The Last Stand, is in and of itself two different movies, clumsily stapled together like Deadpool's lips. I'm touching myself tonight. One is an action flick about the alternative, murderous personality of Jean Grey called The Phoenix that takes over her mind and goes all psychic psychopath on the human population. But the second movie deals with a cure that suppresses the X-Gene, offering mutants a chance at a normal life, forcing many to thoughtfully consider if that's something they might want for themselves.
No, stop it! But it's not really a tough choice. If your name is Bobby lobster penis, take the cure. If your name is Wendy literally poops cupcakes, well, you know, don't take it.
Now you could technically make a complex, deeply emotional X-Men film out of that story, all about identity and how people's expectations of who you should be can either build you up, tear you down, if you want to be a freaking nerd. Well, The Last Stand kind of did make that movie. It just kept it very short, like one minute long short. An early scene establishes that the inventor of the mutant cure began researching it because his son Warren, the future X-Man angel, developed a mutation that caused him to grow a freaking wing. Ha ha ha, you fucking bird. Now, this could have been a very simple and forgettable sequence meant to quickly establish the film's secondary villain, but The Last Stand creates a memorable poignant moment by having the man walk in on his son trying to literally hack the mutation off his back.
Look at that kid's face. That is the face of pure suffering.
This isn't some spur of the moment decision for Warren. He's prepared a stack of bandages and a whole toolbox full of sharp objects like knives, razor, scissors.
John Cena! Ah!
He's obviously been planning this for a really long time. Why? Because he is terrified of his father who's a rampaging mutant racist, a mutinist, a species.
A plant is, nope, that's where Jason Mimosa lives. It's not real. I hear you can fucking fish.
It turns out Warren actually has his dad pretty well figured out, too, because when he walks in on his child horrifically cutting himself with blood all over the floor, he says, ah, God, not you. Parenting tip. If you find your child disfiguring themselves, the first words out of your stupid mouth shouldn't boil down to how could you do this to me? You don't even think to call me God for?
That's what X-Men 3 could have been, an identity drama, but with lasers. Peel, peel, peel. Peel, peel.
They flirt with it again when Rogue gives up her powers, but how hard is it to give up murdering everybody you touch? It was an accident. Angel's mutation is like my penis. Harmless and gorgeous.
And yet he was willing to butcher it because his dad's anti-mutant bigotry poisoned his mind. That is a powerful theme to explore, and it almost makes me forgive the movie for wasting so much screen time on forgettable characters like Sonic the Hedge Man hog, or spit curl girl, or thank God resumes no longer require photos, woman. All right, let's get this out of the way. I used to scream at night remembering this scene, but God's silence was too definite. Besides Spider-Man's corruption, apparently mostly just resulting in him dancing on the street after discovering my chemical romance, but also ragtime music, I guess. When I fuck my father. One of the biggest problems with Spider-Man 3 is Sandman, a supposedly sympathetic villain driven to crime to get money for his sick daughter. That was great. Perfect amounts of conflictingness.
So why have him retroactively be Uncle Ben's killer? And why show him punching a dog? Look, no matter how much you love your kid, punching dogs is like the universal shorthand for, hey, look at me, I'm an expired bag of dicks.
I almost did. I assume Sam Raimi just came up with an idea for a moving and touching scene of Sandman's birth, and it got distracted by a dead lizard in his garden forgot to write the rest of the movie. But that origin is actually pretty great.
I mean, after breaking out of prison, Flint Marko stumbles into a research facility that apparently specializes in shooting magic science or random crap to see what happens because these are fantasy movies where researchers get tons of money to just nerd out on passion projects instead of, you know, making another pill that costs a billion dollars per capsule. Double the money. Unfortunately for Flint, the scientists are experimenting with sand, as one does, and his molecules become fused with the things dandruff, as one does. I don't. When Flint regains consciousness and awakens as a pile of sentient sand, his realization of what happened to him is conveyed entirely through music and visuals and is nothing short of beautiful. Marko's sprinkled remains coalesce into a blob-like mass of silica, slowly forming a mangled humanoid figure. Marko's confused at what he's become, apparently a grotesque Sandman again with a featureless face and sand oven mitts for hands, because it's like he could get stuff out of the oven a lot easier, but like at what cost? What did it cost you, Flint? Everything. That's when Flint notices the locket with his daughter's picture inside a physical link to his past life. He reaches out for it only to see a sandy hand go, I don't feel so good, Mr. Stark, and disintegrate. I don't like sand. Flint summons all of his willpower, concentrates on the love for his daughter and reaches for the locket again, but this time managing to create a firm human-like hand. I'm touching myself tonight.
He picks himself up and regains his human form, thus completing one of the greatest villain origins ever put to film, hunka hunka. It's fascinating how different in tone this emotional dialogue the scene is from everything else in Spider-Man 3, which can most charitably be described as a movie. Most modern superhero movies can play in the background and you only need snippets of dialogue to keep up, but the birth of Sandman demands that you shut up and look at it, and in return, it shows you something spectacular.
I personally applaud it for that. Oh, remind me to get a new water cooler. Higher, new intern. I'm sorry. Welcome to where the magic happens.
When I make it a video that I haven't even started on yet, I usually need to watch a lot of movies, right? But the problem is that even streaming services that I've signed up for don't always have the movies that I need, even when I know they're available somewhere, but that's where NordVPN comes in. See, I could talk about how great NordVPN is with its servers in 59 countries and all the nerd shit they do to protect your identity and keep you anonymous online and safe and all that crap, and that's great. But what I really like it for is the fact that it lets me watch these movies on the streaming services I already have by switching my IP address's country of origin. For example, I needed to watch Zombieland again for this video, and it's not on American Netflix. So what I did was I switched it to Brazil using NordVPN, and voila, there it is. I'm watching Zombieland.
Everybody wins, and all you gotta do to get the most out of your subscriptions to Netflix or whatever you're signed up for is go to nordvpn.com slash literally and sign up. This deal is 30 days risk-free, so if you hate it, just cancel your subscription after 30 days. You've lost no money, and maybe you've gotten to watch Zombieland a couple extra times. Again, just go to nordvpn.com slash literally and sign up today.
Plus, it kinda just helps the show. And sometimes we need help, right?
When director Aung Lee started work on a story about the unjolly green giant, he knew that he needed to dig deep to find the real drama behind the character. Then he changed his mind and went with Crazy Nick Nolte running around being all Crazy Nick Nolte for two hours. Also, radioactive monster poodles. Watch out, Hulk, they're hypoallergenic! Yeah! The sad part is that underneath all of that movie's poodles, there actually is a really good story about the source of Bruce Banner's anger. His disturbing childhood trauma. According to the movie, Hulk was created after his father David tested a super vaccine by blasting a bunch of syringe science into his pH dick before firing up into his wife's uterus where, you know, pre-Hulk baby Bruce.
Stop me if I'm using too much technical medical jargon. Stop, stop, stop, what?
In any case, fearing that he created a monster, David Banner tries to stab his son but kills his wife in the process, mentally scarring Bruce for life. However, while childhood trauma is more standard superhero equipment than bright, somehow genitalia obscuring tights, Hulk gives us a twist on the formula, not on the genitals. David Banner was experimenting exclusively on himself because he wanted to save soldiers' lives. When he finds out what he's done to his son, he first tries to fix it, eventually only going crazy after his continual failures exacerbate his guilt to impossible levels. And as a fellow doctor with superpowers, I could sympathize with that, even if I personally have held it together and didn't let my superpowers drive me crazy and evil, which surely deserves some self-congratulatory applause.
So, oh God, Dave, I had a barrel of kittens to the list. Anyway, David's villain transformation is slow and subtle and like recycling, it starts at home, which is why I never recycle. Seems like a slippery slope. And there are signs even before Bruce's birth that David wasn't exactly a saint.
When Bruce's mother first tells her husband that she's pregnant, she does it like she's confessing to totaling the car while backing out of her lover's driveway. I'm gonna have a baby.
She's clearly terrified of the man, and you can look at the scene as evidence of there being domestic abuse in the Banner household. This is such a believably tragic origin. You might as well call the resulting character the Credible Hulk.
Dave? Dave! Voila! Why Dave?
Oh my God! Oh! No! |
dropout | Magic_Love_and_Coldplay_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California. The only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News. The show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to laugh or smile.
I'm Debbie cocaine. And I'm, ah!
Stone Cold Steve Penis. Our top story tonight, a tragedy on the set of Now You See Me Three, Now You See Three. During filming, actor Jesse Eisenberg accidentally used real magic on co-star Woody Harrelson and turned him into a tree. Producers say it was meant to be a hilarious pun about Woody and wood that just got out of hand. The original pun was very funny though. Production is on hold while Eisenberg, a noted practitioner of the dark arts, otherwise why would they put him in everything, tries to figure out how to change Harrelson back into his human self.
Woody Harrelson has the vibe of someone who should have been canceled years ago, but remains one of the rare celebrities loved by both sides of the political aisle, like Dolly Parton, The Rock, and Kid Rock. That's the opposite of these five celebrities that both the left and the right hates. Honestly, just like a list of five celebrities would be enough to really, God, who's famous? Who's famous?
This is like me with the birds. Oh God, let's switch. Let's say I'm named five famous people and I'll name five birds. I'll name a hundred birds. Nobody wants your birds, Brennan. Just think of one famous person.
The, oh, oh, the, sorry, the Smothers Brothers. That's two. The Smothers Brothers? Great, now name a trio and you're done.
How old are you?
I'm just thinking of who the left and right hates. Who are hated? But if you're hated, why would you become famous?
Okay. Singer. Avril Lavigne? Is she hated? Oh, Chad Kroger. That's her husband, right? Orson Welles. That's five.
I'm ashamed to say I've never seen any of the Now You See Me movies. They're my favorite movies. I even read a leaked script of the third one.
Oh yeah? What's the entire plot from beginning to end? It opens with Jesse Eisenberg's character, famous magician, J. Daniel Atlas, intercepting a distress call from the USS Cato, a mining vessel operating just outside the asteroid belt. After that, here's the crazy part. Everyone on the mining vessel tells Jesse Eisenberg that everything's going great.
And he says, let me go just to make sure. And he goes there and he sees that he goes to the mining vessel and they go to the drill section. And he's like, is there a drill problem? And they're like, no, it's actually going fine. He says, I need to see the engine. And they go to the engine and they're like, no problems here. And he's like, huh, okay, let's see the bridge. And they go to the bridge and he says, wait a minute, what's that? And they're like, that's the steering wheel.
And who's the guy in the Now You've Seen movies? The Smothers brothers. He was in the Beatles movie where all the songs, they did them again with new people singing them.
And the woman who did the Spider-Man musical directed it. Yeah. Julie Taymor. Thank you, Julie Taymor. She comes in and then she makes him fight Spider-Man.
And then that's the end. Wow.
Sounds right up my alley. I'm a big fan of magic. Oh yeah? Do you know any magic tricks? I sure do.
No. Is this why you were doing this before? I had no clue. Like all the best magic tricks, there's a really convoluted story that goes along with two seconds of actual magic. Let's see it. Here goes. In my travels, I met a very wise woman. And another time she might've been called a witch. Pick a card. I knew her only as Opal. Show the card to everyone in the room. Okay, now put your card back in the deck. It's facing the wrong. No, it wasn't. Opal told me a secret once. That someday I would meet a tall, handsome stranger who would take all of my money and most of my time. Fuck you, Doug. Is this your card? Seven of spades. Yeah, wow, how'd you do it? Magic.
We go now to long, silver, with weather for an update on last night's deadly tornado. Thanks, stone cold. Seven people died when the tornado picked them up and banked them together in midair for like an hour, whole hour. But I actually have some more important business to take care of.
My girlfriend, Beverly, is watching at home. Beverly, I love you. I want to marry you. I remember the night we met.
We went to the world-famous amusement park, Kings Island, and rode all 14 of their roller coasters, of which I will now name five. My five favorite roller coasters.
Five, the zippity-doo-dah. Four, the zip and slash. Three, zipper. Two, how about them apples?
And number one, my favorite of them all, the absolute ring of burning fire. I knew from that first night that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.
And I'm not a wealthy person. I couldn't even afford a ring.
You deserve one though. I'll make you one, Beverly. That's how much I love you. Make a ring out of something I have on me. Oh my, what? Mm.
Okay, well, let's do this. And then, you know what? Let's MacGyver this thing. I got my belt. I got all of it. And then you just, so this is the diamond. And then, easy peasy. This is for you, Beverly. I love you so much. You swing it through. Bam. It's, you're really, look, I know exactly your size ring, and this is it. You have to hang it there like this. So this is it.
You're my personal ring from me to you. Love you. Look, it's not fancy, but it's honest and true, like me. Oh, Beverly, I want to give you everything you deserve. I want to shout my love from the rooftops. I know what I'll do. Debbie, could you do me a favor? Anything for love, John. I'm going to take out my actual cell phone and scroll through my contacts until you tell me to stop. Then I'm going to call whatever number my finger is closest to and say, I'm getting married. Okay, I'm marrying Beverly. I love her so much. That's what I'm going to say over and over. That's so inspiring.
There we go. All right, I'm ready when you are. Start scrolling. Stop. My friend, okay. And I'm calling now.
Oh my God. This is my old roommate. So this is going to be great. She's a busy person.
Oh my God, guess what? Hello, guess what?
I'm getting married. I'm marrying Beverly. I love her so, so much. What is happening right now? I'm getting married.
Save the date, it's coming soon. Wait. Bye.
What did they say? They said, what? What is happening right now?
And I hung up on them. What a story. Congratulations, Long Silverjohn. Gosh, that was nice.
Let's keep things light. We're going out to our very own song parody artist, Weird Al Spinkmedic for some music. I don't like where this is going. Thanks, Stone Cold.
Of course, you're so well known for your song parodies about food. What tasty treats will today's parody be about?
Um, well, I'm really deep into Coldplay and you know that song from one of Coldplay's original albums, Yellow? The Scientist? No, the song Yellow. Oh, the song Yellow from the album Parachutes, I believe. Sure, yeah, Yellow.
I would have picked something that rhymes a little easier, but that's okay. It's a big mess of static fear, Brennan. There's a bunch of critical work going on in my head right now. I understand. One of my favorites, and of course it'd be parodying a song that I've seen you sing blindfolded at karaoke. I think, yes, so. I was supposed to do something different with the prompt above? Well, I think it was supposed to be about food and now they're gonna give you a song, but also doing a parody of Yellow to the tune of One Week by the Bare Naked Ladies is also a fun way to go. Ahem, I know it by heart, and I know the words to this parody of it even better. What a treat it will be, you may begin.
It's been one week since I listened to Yellow. Oh my God, it's been one week, it was only a week. Put my arms to the side and said, the scientist, five days since you laughed at Rush of Blood to the Head.
Chickadee China, the Chinese, X and Y, I'm already embarrassed that I know this much about Coldplay or Bare Naked Ladies. I don't come out looking good here at all. You have a drumstick and your brain stops licking watching it, Coldplay with no lights on, we're all amazed on, I hope the smoking man's in this one like Harrison Ford.
I'm getting- Sorry, sorry Mr. Spank, my dick, can I stop you here? Oh, I was just getting going.
I just wanna take a moment to comment on the melody of this song, a requirement for fair use under copyright law. I find this melody fair use. As do I, this song is very fair use. All right, please continue the music.
Gonna make a break and take a fake, I like a stick and ache and Coldplay, I like vanilla, it's the finest of flavors. Gonna see the show, cause then you know the vertigo is gonna Coldplay, cause it's so dangerous, you have to sign a waiver. I'll keep going. Getting up when you're mad, trying hard not to smile, though I feel Coldplay. I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a Coldplay, can't understand what I mean when you soon Coldplay. I'm sweating.
Wow, all perfect rhymes. That's all the time we have, but before we go, we'll tell you that tonight's loser is Sam.
As punishment, they have to call the most recent number dialed and tell whoever answers that they love Beverly. It'll be strange to call my wife and tell her that I love Beverly. Hi babe, I just wanted to let you know that I love Beverly. You love Beverly? I love Beverly, I'm sorry it didn't work out, but the connection between Beverly and I is too strong. |
TheOnion | Study_Americans_Get_Majority_Of_Exercise_While_Drunk | A new report from the National Health Institute finds most Americans get the majority of their exercise while drunk. Activities like stumbling from one bar to another constituted the most aerobic activity most Americans performed in an average week. Onion News Network health expert Dr. Jeffrey Atka has the health pulse. Thanks Andrea. The study's findings are clear. Drinking to excess is now one of the most healthy activities Americans regularly do. Hoisting friends into the air in overly enthusiastic hugs, gesticulating wildly while telling stories and chasing crying girlfriends down the street burns far more calories than most sober activities.
My buddies got me to do a keg stand the other night. I haven't worked my arms out like that in like three years.
Dr. Will Garvin devised the study after consuming half a handle of Captain Morgan rum in 2006. I wrote the research proposal that very same night and then my colleagues and I went and knocked over a statue. Most people will burn more calories wandering around looking for their friend Carl so they can get a ride home than they will in an entire week of sobriety. Garvin and his team spent almost three years conducting research.
They found that sprinting across a parking lot after being caught shoplifting an armful of hot dogs from a Circle K is good for the heart and lungs. And climbing out of the back of your car after crashing into a fence works the legs.
According to Garvin one need not drink to get the health benefits of drunken behavior. Even if you don't drink try to spend at least one night a week climbing your local water tower or throwing glass mugs against a wall. Dr. Garvin is helping the study will guide policy to get America healthier. He's directing a pilot program in several schools to promote exercise and kids by serving whiskey at lunch. On the health pulse I'm Jeffrey Atka.
The findings weren't the same for all Americans. Dr. Garvin found the study does not apply to homeless people. |
dropout | twas_the_night_santa_got_high | It was the night before Christmas and all through the sky. Santa's sled was a-weaving.
He was totally high. He'd eaten a cookie while visiting a home. It was chalk full of weed that went straight to his dome. That weed swirled around in his little round belly.
It made his mouth dry and his legs feel like jelly. Be cool, Santa thought, while dripping with sweat. You're high as a kite, but you're barely done yet. Your job is these presents which you must disperse. This Christmas Eve gets decidedly worse. But Saint Nicholas, who was normally quite merry, was freaking out, man, because this was too scary.
So he reached deep, deep down in his velvety sack and opened some gifts in search of a snack. I hunger. He cried while he looked for some crunchies. He'd been struck with a nasty bad case of the munchies.
All of a sudden, while feeling quite batty, he realized he'd skipped the whole town's Cincinnati. He yanked on the reins that controlled his reindeer, who glanced at each other with faces of fear. On dancer, on dancer, on dancer, on dancer. I forget all your names, but we gots to go faster. Whoosh, like a comet, they sped through the air. Banked yuletide wind blowing his bushy beard hair. They swiftly approached the first house on his list, the Smith family home, which he'd previously missed. Down there! He yelled to his courses demanding. Unfortunately for them, he had misjudged the landing. With a clatter and bang, the sled slammed to the roof. Blitzen was dizzy, and Donna sprained his hoof. Santa grabbed his bag and sprung out of the sled while freaky weird sugarplums danced through his head.
Shh, he whispered, grinning ear to ear. We mustn't let anyone know that we're here.
And laying his finger aside of his nose, he fell down the chimney, breaking both his big toes. He tumbled head first through the home's family room, crossed right into the tree, ensuring it's doom. He lurched to his feet and then made the decision to drop all the gifts and head straight to the kitchen. He raided the fridge and scarfed down a whole ham with tater tots dipped in poison-buried jam.
His appetite sated. Santa searched for a cart to take a long nap. That it sure hit the spot. He went round the den, looked for cushiest chairs, when suddenly there came a rustling upstairs.
What is this? Who's that there? Are you a knock?
He struggled to find his big sack in the dark. Annette, he hastily rushed towards the door out amongst the snow and the frost and the haw. To his team, he gave whistle, for that was the sign. It's time to beat feet. Things most certainly aren't fine. As the sled took off, his lofts pierced the night. What if toast is good talk? Wouldn't that be a sight?
And with that, old Saint Nick did finally find sleep. His ever-loyal reindeer brought him home with no peep. In the morning, he woke up. His error was plain. I will never get high and drive my sled again. |
dropout | if_all_movies_had_cell_phones | When I was born, my mama used to tell me, Laughs was like a box of talk.
Hello? Hey Forrest.
Jenny! Heh, I'm literally right around the corner, you can just walk. Okay Jenny!
Dude, where the hell are we? I think we're lost, but I think it's fine, I mean I just texted my mom, she said she'd be here in 12.
Oh, is that a witch? No, it's just me.
Trail mix? To pass, you must know that one of us always lies, and the other one always tells the truth. I don't really give a sh**, I've got Google Maps.
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, sailors brave and sure. They got lost so they called for help and now they're totally fine.
Hello? It's Noah. I feel like your mom's keeping all those letters I'm writing you. What letters? Exactly, I'm outside in the car. Yellow. Kevin, it's mom.
Listen, go to a friend's house. Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system.
It's Romeo, leave on. Romeo, hey, it's Juliet.
Listen, I'm going to fake my own death tonight, so don't freak out or anything. I want out of this fight club. I'm calling Tyler. I'm Jack's voicemail, please leave a message. Seriously, stop watching now, it's really no big deal. |
SaturdayNightLive | celebrity_jeopardy_sean_connery_anne_heche_chris_tucker_snl | Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy! You may notice I'm wearing a different suit. apparently Mr. Connery felt my leg was closer than the urinal. it's time for Double Jeopardy! Let's take a look at the scores. Chris Tucker is in the lead with negative Five Thousand Dollars.
Mr. Tucker has answered every question with the same response.: Do you understand words coming out of my- that's the one. you do understand that you're playing for charity. Yes, I do. Why, Why? do you Not understand words that are coming out of my mouth? Just making sure.
Next with negative forty Three Thousand Dollars is Ann Haysh. that means I'm not crazy anymore in my made up space language. Terrific. And finally, with negative One Hundred and Thirty Thousand Dollars.
Sean Connery is here yet again. I wouldn't miss it for the world, Trebek. I turned down Harry friggin' Potter for this.
Please God, take me now. let's take a look at the board. And the categories are potent. Potables, Batman or Robin. that's where we show you a picture and you say whether it's Batman or Robin. a famous horseman. that's about jockeys. I bet you've seen your fair share of other men's jockeys crumple up on your bedroom floor. haven't you, Tinkerbell?
Next we have point to your nose. things mom gave you. celebrity photos. Keep in mind that every one of these photos will be one of you.
And finally, connect the dot. Ann Haysh, it's your board. Fine, it's your board, Celestia.
Nigabah, Batman or Robin for four hundred Alex. And the answer is, is this Batman or Robin? Chris Tucker. Yo, I know this man, that's Robin. No, so since it's not Robin, that leaves only one correct answer. Ann Haysh. Who is Robin? Amazing. Sean Connery. What Is Robin? Now then, I'll take Batman or Robin for Eight hundred.
No, that's wrong. let's just go to Celebrity Photos for two hundred. And remember, this Is A photograph of one of you. Who is this celebrity with Jackie Chan?
Chris Tucker, you might want to ring in here. Ann Haysh. Who is Zartu, third overlord of Blargon Sevens? For the love of God, No. Chris Tucker.
No, man, that's Jackie Chan. I work for that dude. No, Sean Connery, just pick a category.
I'll take Horsheiman for eight hundred. Wait, where are you going? She whore like your mother.
Sheman. it's right there. I see it.
Now, please. you're very proud of yourself, aren't you? Yes, I am. let's just move on to Final Jeopardy.
And the category is, would you like a cookie? yes or no? If you want a cookie, say yes. If you don't, say no. Even if you want a cookie and you say no, you'll still be right.
Let's see what our contestants wrote. Chris Tucker, let's see what you wrote down. Do you understand the words that are coming out of?
Let me guess, you wagered my mouth. And I'm right. Man, I don't need this, I don't-. Once again, I remind you, you are playing for charity. apparently, that's not getting through. Anne Heche, let's see what you wrote. somehow, you managed to post your resume. mind bending. Alex, you'll notice that I slept with a lot of famous people. I'll take your word on it. Now on to Sean Connery. Well, now, Trebek, she's a nut job. tell me about it. she's nuttier than a pecan log. Well, Sean, let's see what you wrote. Sure. I'm sorry, Alex. that I am. Wow. I know I give you a hard time, but it's all in good fun. I mean, you know that, don't you? of course I do, Sean. let's see what you wagered, friend.
And Trebek is such a fruit. put that in your straw and suck it. Yes, I know. suck it hard. Yes. suck it. suck it.
I hear you. Well, that's it. Goodbye. |
cracked | 1_4_08_news_on_cracked_britney_caucus_song_justine_kirk | It's Friday, January 4, 2008, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I want everyone to look under their chairs because you're all taking home the keys to a brand new car! Nah, I'm just kidding. It's a free chair bottom. Congratulations!
As you all know, Britney Spears was forcibly taken from her home on a stretcher last night while seemingly high on unknown substances and while watching over her two young sons. She's been admitted to a hospital where she'll likely be held for psychological evaluation. Folks at this point, and frankly much earlier, Britney has gone from punchline to public tragedy.
And although jokes about her are easy, like she herself is, they just don't seem as funny as they used to be. On the other hand, her sister Jamie Lynn is a whore. That's funny.
I Justine, iPhone etiquette tip us up, okay? It's Sam, iPhone etiquette tip from I Justine. If you use that annoying iPhone ad music as your ringtone, I hate you. Deal with it.
I Justine. Thanks, Justine. You've shown me the way yet again.
The other big story from last night, of course, was the big, meaty caucuses in Iowa. Oh Obama won the caucuses, it's important because it is, the way that we'll be our next president. Oh White House president. Obama won the caucus, it doesn't really shock us, unless of course you count the fact that Barack Obama's Jewish.
He is, right? The other winner was Huckabee, but I sure doubt that Schmuck will be elected to the White House late this year. But it's my biggest fear. Huckabee won the caucus, and I sure hope we can shock this up to a big joke from them old Iowa folk. Or is it Idaho? Who can remember at this point?
Hillary lost the caucuses, and Edward just distraught he is, and Romney's thinkin' that none of this giants are his seven lives. Ron Paul didn't win the caucus, and almost others saw this. Coming in advance, the internet's now shitting in its pants. Cause Obama won the caucuses, and Huckabee won the caucuses. That's all we can say, because it's the end of this song, and not that many words rhyme with caucuses.
Now let's hit up Kirk Filch for some tough questions. Kirk?
Touching. Should I or shouldn't I? What kind of touching is considered socially acceptable, or at best, godly? Who did all that touching on me last night in the cold bitter darkness? Where could I go if I wanted to touch a live ancient Egyptian mummy? When is touching legally considered rape? Why does it hurt so good whenever I touch the hot frying pan?
I'm Kirk Filch, and your guess is as good as mine. Back to you Lester. Is this a good way to end that segment? Yes, yes it is. Thanks Kirk. That's it for today's edition of the News on Cracked. Check back with us on Monday to see if we keep our vow not to make jokes about Britney Spears, assuming she lives that long. |
dropout | if_people_talked_about_other_hobbies_like_they_talk_about_running | Ugh, I hate baking. I really fucking hate it, but I just feel like I need to do it, you know? Otherwise I'll go crazy. Cupcake?
No, I'm good. I got this jammed down to seven minutes. Hoping to get down to six by the summer.
Lego injury, everybody. Lego injury.
Snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap. Thanks for sponsoring the meal I'm having this Saturday. Thanks so much. It's for a great cause. I got the whole kit. Top hat, magic wand, rings, scarves, trick cards, real cards, white rabbits, white doves, shoes that are specially designed to fit my feet. How long have you been doing magic? Start tomorrow. It's New Year's resolution.
I have this new app that tracks exactly when I'm gardening and posts it immediately on Facebook. I mean, it's great. I'm so much more motivated to garden now that I know my friends know exactly when I'm gardening.
I'm kind of this event called Tough Legos. It's basically the same as regular Legos, but they electrocute you while you build stuff.
It's pretty hardcore. Keep it up, buddy. You can do it. Okay, done. Switch. Guys, do we have to do this in the office? We're training. It's for charity. This year I'm definitely taking hanging out with friends to the next level. Sometimes if I haven't eaten enough fiber before I do origami, I shit my pants. Just like pow, shit everywhere. It's pretty hardcore.
Yeah, it's pretty cool. It kind of just keeps track of my stats so I know how much magic I've done over the course of the day. Oh, you should get one. Then we can be trick bit buddies and you'll keep track of each other and compete and stuff. Like, I know you don't really do magic, but you should. It just makes you better.
That's a person. So this is our all grain batch. It is a wheat beer or a wheat beer, if you will. Oh, man. Not again. I should have taped up. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_dwayne_johnson_s_wax_figure_southwest_airlines_bag_tracking_feature_snl | According to a new poll, 57% of New Yorkers agree with Mayor Adams' claim that the Migrant crisis could definitely destroy the city. Well, I don't know. am I building a migrant's fix? Everything. Oh. maybe you guys not living around.
Michigan State apologized after an image of Adolf Hitler appeared on a stadium video board at a football game. Even more upsetting, it was during the Kiss cam.
Southwest Airlines has introduced a new feature on its app that lets passengers track their bags. Southwest, why don't you tell us where your bag is?
After Dwayne Johnson complained that a wax figure of him at a museum in France had the wrong skin tone, the museum has attempted to darken the statue, but unfortunately, it melted in the tanning bed. a man in Utah was ordered to remove a Halloween decoration of a skeleton pole dancing, and I'm sorry, but that just looks like every white strip club to me. the world's oldest dog ever has died at the age of 31, and some experts believe it could have lived even longer if I had looked before backing out of the driveway. And a new report finds that Vermont is the safest state in America for, like, you know, Us. new research suggests that Viagra can help lower a man's chances of developing Alzheimer's by 60% thanks to an effect researchers are calling post-nut clarity. White Castle has begun replacing its fry cooks with robots, but there's one White Castle skill a robot will never master, jumping over the counter to choke a customer. Olive oil prices have more than doubled following extreme weather, which sadly has forced many New Jersey residents to bathe in water. hey, I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost, Good night. |
dropout | if_people_were_honest_when_planning_a_bbq | So tomorrow is our big company, BBQ. I want to thank you all so much for volunteering to bring all the stuff we're going to need for this. I kind of want to run down the list of what everyone said they'd bring for us to chow down on. And it's a big list, so make sure you come hungry.
Trapp, you said you are bringing a bag of ice. That's right. Katie, you're bringing napkins. Done. Zach, you're going to bring a jar of salsa, no chips. Caldwell, you're bringing cheap beer, and you're going to drink someone else's nice beer. Got it. Kerry, you're bringing stuff to make guacamole that you're not actually going to make.
Siobhan, you're bringing a complicated board game that nobody wants to play, but we'll do it anyway out of politeness. You're welcome. Jim, you're bringing your standoffish girlfriend who won't talk to anyone.
That's what I can do. Nick, you're bringing a pineapple to be different, and I'm bringing a pineapple to be different. Great.
So we have no real food of any kind. None of us are adults, and we should all be ashamed of ourselves.
See you tomorrow. Thanks for watching. Click here to subscribe to College Humor, and here to watch more videos where you can catch all the labs. |
dropout | why_wine_snobs_are_faking_it_adam_ruins_everything | All right, ladies, would you like to see our wine list? That sounds perfect. Yes, let's talk about wine. There are so many. How am I supposed to choose? Have you ever noticed that when it's time to choose a wine, none of us feel like we know what we're doing? This one's fancy, I think. Since we can't taste the wines before we buy them, we're forced to pick just based on the label.
This one has a frog wearing a hat, so I bet that tastes like mossy? This one's by Francis Ford Coppola. I like his movies, so I bet it tastes like, um, the Godfather?
This one says ketchup. Am I holding a bottle of ketchup?
And even when we do taste them, we doubt our own opinions. This is, um, dry. This one's full-bodied. Are you sure? No, what is a wine body? Yeah, this is clearly wet. So we defer to the opinions of so-called wine experts. Perhaps I can be of some assistance, ladies. Oh, thank God. Tell us what tastes good.
I've been pretending this whole time. But the truth is, everyone is pretending.
Because even the wine connoisseurs want us to believe that their ratings are objective. That one's fit to drink, that is cheap swill, and that is a bottle of ketchup. And they have supernatural powers of wine discernment.
Mmm. A 1934. Tastes like it was a very cold summer that year, and, uh, the vendor's wife was pregnant.
Hold on. With a girl. Here's the big secret.
Wine experts can't tell the difference either. I beg to differ, sir. My palate is incredibly refined. Well, Frederick Broche of the University of Bordeaux would say otherwise.
He conducted a series of tests on unsuspecting wine experts. But for the sake of TV, let's call them wine pranks. Wine pranks! In the first test, 54 wine connoisseurs were asked to compare a red and a white wine.
It should be pretty easy. The red is juicy and robust. The white, it's bright with notes of vanilla and oak. Oh!
They're actually the same wine. Half of the bottles were just white wine dyed red, and none of the participants could tell. Never! Wine pranks! In another test, experts were asked to compare two different bottles. One an expensive grand crew, and the other a cheap table wine.
The Grand Cru complex. Very, very interesting. I shall be returning to the Grand Cru. Fandutab.
It's light. It's flat. It's pretty much what you'd expect.
Oh, that's interesting, because once again, they're the same wine! Broche just put the same wine in two different bottles, and none of the so-called wine experts even noticed.
Wine pranks! Oh! You got wine pranked!
Alright, you've convinced me. All wine is terrible, and it tastes the same. No, wine is wonderful, and of course, wines taste different. It's just totally subjective, like all foods. We don't need sandwich experts, because we know what we like. Peanut butter and sardines! What? They're both healthy fats. And it's what I like. If you don't like it, it doesn't matter, because there's no objective truth to what tastes best. We think of wine as a high-class item, only accessible by high-class people, but it's just tasty fermented grapes. So you know what? Forget the snobs, take risks, and drink what tastes good to you.
Wait. Really? You mean I can drink whatever I want? Yeah.
Freedom! Who wants to split a box of whites in? Yeah! I've missed this so much! I love it! Hey!
I'm Adam from College Humor. If you liked that clip, make sure to check out my new show, Adam Ruins Everything, Tuesdays at 10 p.m. on TruTV. It's going to ruin your Tuesday, but trust me, the rest of your week will be fine. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_White_Collar_Bloke_s_Spotify_Wrapped_Peak_of_Aus_Cinema_5_5_Mate_Off_to_Work_i_ | You're listening to the Betooter Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the weekly Betooter Advocate bulletin, a bit going on, silly season's well underway, might have said that last week, picky battles is what I'd say to everyone out there with your Christmas parties and your family functions because you know eventually the music stops, you're sitting there bloated and hungover on Christmas day and you're mute, let the good times roll, but you know you don't actually have to go to your misso's friend's Christmas party, you know what I'm saying? You don't, absolutely not, I think it's important to have some perspective as to how you look at Christmas day and that festive period, I don't think you should be looking at it as the finish line, I think that should be almost like that's round one and you know this is like pre-season trials, you're just gonna get through them, you roll through, as you said, you pick your battles and then you know you can really lift. And I think try not to get too fuck-eyed at a work Christmas party, that can always end badly as well. Fall asleep, fall asleep on the couch or?
I'm Clancy Overall, obviously you heard Wendell Hussey on his David Goggins shit and Effie Bateman joins me today for the biggest headlines of the week on the Batuda Advocate newspaper both in print and online. Yeah and you've got to mention there Clancy obviously it's a week tinged with sadness as we come to the end of it, Nobel Peace Prize winner Henry Kissinger has passed away at the age of 100, he was a truly wonderful man. I actually bumped into him at one of those $5,000 a head foreign policy dinners when he sent me over to Washington there for training and he said hello to me in the elevator and he was just, he was a wonderful man just filled with charm and wit. He just filled the niceness radiating off him. Yeah he did, I mean he killed millions of people and responsible for ruining the lives of hundreds of millions more but he was a wonderful man and a titan of foreign diplomacy actually so I just wanted to pay tribute to him. I actually sat between him and Bob Katter at the Sydney Olympics when Cathy won gold. What did Bob make of him? I imagine he would add some choice words.
No good coward, you know contrarian old Bob. Obviously that charm didn't rub off on Bob. No no Bob saw right through him.
Anyway what's in the news this week Effie Bateman? Well kicking off and a bloke with a stable nine-to-five white-collar job proud to share his Spotify wrap is 95% hard gangster rap. Yes local desk jockey Charlie Hammersmith has been eagerly awaiting this week for some time now the end of November where he gets to share his Spotify wrap 2023 highlights by the group chat and social media. Despite hustling little more than spreadsheets and Kathmandu sales Charlie has revealed his personal data that contains some big hits from Nas, Ice Cube and Wu-Tang. Of course a fair bit of early 2-pack as well. Plenty of biggie don't forget that as well. Despite his humble upbringing filled with Saturday sport, home tutoring and tennis camps Charlie says he loves lyrics like that of the game. I bleed Compton, spit crack and shit chronic. As he explained to The Advocate it just resonates with him and gets him so goddamn pumped up to crush his goals for the day. Fair enough Charlie.
Cash rules everything around me. Cream, dollar dollar bill y'all.
What cities did you guys get for your Spotify wraps? Brisbane. I believe I was Sydney. Sydney? Oh I got I got Ipswich.
It's unfortunate it's actually quite embarrassing.
Ippy what were you listening to? Insane clown posse. Very good Euphemia.
Saying in entertainment news now and a report has revealed that Australian cinema actually peaked when everything was slightly blue. Yes this study was commissioned by the film standards watchdog Australians Registry of Screen Enthusiasts also known as ARS in response to the growing problem of local audiences shunning local productions for the plethora of overseas content now available with the introduction of on-demand streaming services. It's believed that over 60% of the nation hasn't watched a good Aussie film since Animal Kingdom in 2010. As one of the lead researchers behind the study explained Australian filmmakers want to present Australia as a sun-bronze version of San Francisco or Notting Hill with timber verandas. No one wants to admit that we all have uncles who talk and look like Chopper Reed. Regardless of ethnic heritage the most interesting people in Australia are covered in tattoos and swear too much. Australian cinema lost touch with reality when they stopped making blue tint films which is why these films are remembered as the peak of Australian cinema back when characters look like the audiences and spoke like them.
I miss those days of getting home on a Friday night cuddling up on the couch and watching someone overdose on heroin. I really love Australian films like that. Or a bit of incest. I like seeing people get shot in the head with a shotgun out front of a pub. That's a classic Australian story. It hits the spot. It makes you feel quite alive I reckon. Some local news now and a touching story here in town.
A group of boys have come together to farewell their five-foot-five mate who's off to the North Pole to work in Santa's factory. Yes a couple of all-time legends put on a brave face last night as they assembled down at the Gut Shot Brumby Hotel in Battuta Heights to farewell one of the best who's heading out of town to work in a new gig. Yes local 165 centimeter elf Zeke Stevens or Meek Zeke as he's known to many is departing to the North Pole to work in Santa's Toy Factory for the next four weeks.
What was by all reports a very fun night ended up with poor Zeke being placed on top of a cab out the front of the pub which he couldn't get down from for quite some time. It was very hilarious. I happened to be at the pub at the time as was Clancy and went on for quite some time. He threatened to jump down. The cabbie was laughing. It was just such good stuff. And then obviously the cabbie realized you get a fair out of him so cabbie got him down and off he went.
And in other news regarding unbridled Australian toxic masculinity a foreign tradie has been mocked by his foreman for completing a job quickly and to a high standard. Yes Martin van der Hoogenband has caused quite a scene in Battuta Plains this week. If you're not familiar with it Battuta Plains is one of the faceless new display home suburbs being made up on the very edge of our town and that Dutch roofer Martin has been chastised by his boss for completing a roofing job on the project home inside the allotted time frame and to a standard that makes it stand out from the other pieces of shit the volume builder has slapped together in recent months. While many readers asked hang on isn't it a good thing that he's completing the work to a high standard in an efficient period of time the foreman on site pointed out that Martin is ruining the grift for everyone. As the foreman said Martin was explicitly told to piss off after lunch every day this week and drag the job out until next Friday but Martin didn't listen and now all the other blokes on site have to pull their fingers out and they are not happy. What an absolute fuckwit Martin sounds like. Yeah he just doesn't get it and that's the thing it's like he's not building social housing like he would have been back at home this is just for big property developers Martin who you fucking working fast for.
Oh no. It's a shame. Silly man. These immigrants just don't get it. No hopefully he'll wrap his head around it one day.
Anyway that's all from us this week thank you for tuning in enjoy your weekend enjoy your December. Bye bye. See you later. |
dropout | shamwow_guy_in_jail | Hey man, come over here man. What you got? Okay, right off the bat, no big deal, playing cards. Boom, okay?
Made in Germany. You know that Germans always make good stuff, alright?
Hey, hold on a minute, wait, let's talk cigarettes, okay? Other things, you try and light them on fire, nothing's gonna happen. Boom, you can't light that on fire. This, it's a cell phone. It's not gonna light. You take a cigarette, you put it in your mouth, here you go, you light it on fire, you get a buzz.
Okay, women, you want women, you don't have them, I'll tell you what you do. You get yourself one of these, here you go, Hooters, Kooters, Tooters, Computers. Computers? Okay, check this out, you're gonna love this. What are you in here for? I hired a hooker, she bit my tongue off, I beat the shit out of her. Okay guys, you wanna get out of here? Of course you do. Okay, you tried everything. A spoon, not on my watch, a file, not happening, a rock habit, in your dreams, okay? What you need to do is you gotta get back to the classics, okay? A cake with a saw inside of it, alright? Here you go, boom, bam, bam, bam, ribby-dab-dab. A hooker tried to bite your tongue off?
Okay, let's talk drugs. PCP, cocaine, heroin.
Okay, now guys, we're gonna do some real time, alright? So pay attention to me right here. First you get this, you get the needle there, put it in your big vein, I'm just jamming in. I don't pay attention to it. Okay. Now, my blood feels like it's a bubble bath and you guys look like you made out of cotton candy and this guy's a hippo. Camera guy, you getting this? Oh yeah, I'm getting two out of a lot. Who are you talking to?
Let's talk knives. Now say you're in the shower and Mitch over here tries to rape you, okay? What are you gonna do with this plastic knife, alright? Bendy, bendy, look at this. Stop having a boring knife, stop having a boring knife. What you gotta do is you gotta have one of these, okay? One flip, you're in business. Okay, check this out. One stab, flesh wound, okay? Two stabs, dead, okay?
Add an egg, slice a hand, a pickle, three stabs, breakfast, I'm kidding. Over the next 20 minutes, I'm gonna throw in this grater, okay? It's a cheese grater, it's also a zip gun.
Oh, shit. Now buy fast, cuz you know I can't do this all day. I just killed you guys and I'm gonna get the electric chair. |
Fitzthistlewits | let_s_play_skyrim_blind | Hello and welcome to my blind let's play of Skyrim. It is blind in the sense that I have never played the game and also I am literally blind. I have a blindfold over my face. I can't see a thing.
General Tullius, the military governed.
They had something to do with this. Yeah, fucking elves. Coming in here, stealing our jobs. Step towards the block when we call your name. One at a time!
Empire loves their damn lists. Yeah, fucking lists.
Who are you? My name is Fitz Sisowitz. I'm a famous YouTube celebrity.
Oh right, okay. So I assume this is the character creation section so I will briefly remove the blindfold. Okay, I'm ready. I'm ready to go. I'm... okay.
Yes, I shall name him. I shall name him... there.
Perfect. Okay, now I'm going to put the blindfold back on. Oh shit.
Oh no, dragons. Oh no. Got winded. Come on, the gods won't give us another chance.
Okay. This way! Where are you? Someone just shouted in my ear. In game, of course.
Okay, I'm trying mate. I'm trying real hard. Okay. I honestly don't know if... Okay, I think I must be stuck because... I'm trying!
Okay. We're going to get out of this. Everything's going to be fine. Oh shit.
Where are you? You have to speak up! What? Where? Where are you? What? He keeps moving. Where the fuck are you?
I think I'm getting... oh fuck. I think I'm getting closer. I'm trying! Where are you? Being blind is really hard. I think I'm getting closer.
Oh god. Okay. You're definitely in this direction. What the fuck was that? What the hell is...? Oh shit. I'm trying. Oh fuck. Oh shit.
What's going on? It's weird.
Now that my sight has been taken away, I can actually hear everything with pinpoint accuracy. Much like Daredevil.
Okay. Seriously man, you need to, like, shout. Otherwise... yeah, okay, you're over here now. Fuck, who is that? That's actually offensive because I... cannot. Yes sir. I'm trying. Okay. Either the game crashed or I've done something.
This is actually a lot harder than I imagined. You know, because I always secretly wanted to be a blind person, just so you could wear the sunglasses. Be really good at piano. I don't know, I didn't see it, to be honest.
Okay. Just remember to keep making noise. Oh. Are you here? Ah. Okay. Oh, this is gonna be difficult. Gear doesn't make noise. Oh, shit.
Let's do this, motherfucker! Yeah! Yeah, boy! Yeah!
Got a sword. Okay.
You need to say where you are, because I... I think I'm stuck on a wall, aren't I?
Oh, god. Okay. Take... Oh, shit! Take this! And that! Yeah, you better run. Okay. What has happened?
I hate it when he's quiet.
I... I have no id... Where am I going? Well, this is riveting, isn't it? |
dropout | 1_million_facebook_likes_one_giant_bee_beard | Hey, this is Pat a while ago We promised that if you guys helped us get to a million likes on Facebook one of us at the site would wear a beard of Bees, but with your help we've done it and as a way of saying thanks I'm here in Augusta, New Jersey to reluctantly make good on that promise I'm here with Tim Schuler the New Jersey State apiarist Tim. Thanks so much for helping me do this How in the world are you going to get a bunch of bees to? Attach themselves to my face What we're gonna do is we are going to go through a colony of honeybees and we are gonna find the queen Put her in a cage and when I tie the queen up under your chin The worker bees are gonna just form a swarm right up on your face. There she is. You see her right here Yeah, Wow, I can't believe you found her and now I'm gonna shake some bees out of out of this Off of these combs sounds like the climax of a horror movie right now Roughly how many bees are in that box right now?
Well, there might be 15,000. Okay. Okay only 15,000 Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it. Here we go I'm gonna go over. That's one one B I survived Good job. Thank you. You did a great job Yeah, we need reshoots or Okay, I want to thank Tim Schuler New Jersey State Department of Agriculture for teaching us about bees and bee bearding I want to thank Matt Wingle for letting us use his wonderful bee yard here And I want to thank all of you guys for getting us to 1 million Facebook likes I'll see you at 2 million when I'm sure I'll be doing something even crazier |
TheOnion | Nation_s_CEOs_Sign_Pledge_To_Continue_F_king_Over_Americans | The 1% is making a promise today as the nation's CEOs have all signed a pledge vowing to continue fucking over Americans in the face of all this uncertainty. We've got the latest on this shining commitment to oppress the powerless from the world's financial leaders.
From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. Thankfully we're the only podcast around that discusses news and politics, so I don't really have to say this, but I will anyway.
Stay with us. It's an inspiring promise being made by some of the country's wealthiest citizens in face of the devastating coronavirus pandemic. Earlier this week, CEOs from every single Fortune 500 company signed a pledge vowing to continue fucking over Americans during these difficult times. Terrence Winchell, the longtime CEO of agrochemical company RKL, spoke on behalf of the country's CEOs. As the business leaders of this country, we promise to never ever stop fighting, to ensure that the vast majority of Americans aren't able to afford the products or care they need. Making people suffer is more than just good business for us. It's our passion. No pandemic will ever get in the way of that.
For more on this pledge, we're joined by OPR's Remy Berglind. Hi Leslie. Remy, how did this pledge come to be?
This all reportedly began with Walmart CEO Doug McMillan, who felt that Americans needed to know that he and his peers were still thinking about all the ways they will continue fucking the public over during these tough times. So he reached out to other CEOs like Jeff Bezos and Bob Iger, and before you knew it, hundreds of billionaires and multimillionaires united to double down on things like overcharging for basic necessities, crushing local businesses, and manufacturing shitty products that fall apart immediately. Wow, that's a real murderer's row of CEOs.
Where did they make this pledge? It first appeared, as I'm sure many of our listeners noticed, as a full-page ad in the New York Times with the headline, We're Still Fucking You Sideways. Yeah, I read that. I thought this part was really touching. Let me read it here. We won't let the coronavirus stop us from squeezing every last cent we can out of you and your families, and we will not rest until we have completely overwhelmed you with cynical advertising campaigns and empty PR rhetoric to make you feel like we are on your side. I mean, wow, those are powerful words.
Yeah, these CEOs really want Americans to know that they still see them as brainless monkeys they can hawk their products to, especially now. I actually was able to talk to Terrence Winchell, one of the CEOs, after the press conference announcing the pledge.
Remi, can you hear me? There's some construction. We're getting a little spaceship attached to the house. Yep, I can hear you.
So why did you sign this pledge? Well, my old fishing buddy, Brian Roberts, CEO of Comcast, calls me up and says, Terrence, what do we always talk about wanting to do? And I said, find as many ways as we can to rob, cheat, and swindle ordinary people, especially the vulnerable ones. And he said, there's no better time to do that than now. And now we're here. So this promise to screw over all of us runs pretty deep.
That's right. We're just building on the promises our CEO forebears like John Rockefeller and Henry Ford made to the people of this country to stop at nothing to make them suffer from purchasing goods they can't afford. And we think it will mean a lot to regular people to see CEOs from Coca Cola to coal mining, all signing a pledge to stop at nothing to make their lives a living hell. It seems like they want to ensure Americans that they'll still be raking them over the coals just like they were before coronavirus or not. Right. They want to reinforce a sense of normalcy. Yeah. They even went as far as letting Americans know that they will ensure that public officials bend to their will and continue giving them tax breaks. So life is only easy for corporations.
Thank you, Remi. It's so inspiring in these troubling times to see our leaders of industry taking a stand against everyone else, including our very own OPR CEO, Tim Spinfuler. What a guy. We'll be back with more right after this.
With mounting evidence that the spread of coronavirus could be airborne, another government agency has put out strict new guidelines to help contain the disease. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, which focuses on dangerous weather conditions at sea, announced they'll be ordering all hurricanes that visit the U.S. to quarantine for two full weeks in the state where they hit landfall before traveling along the coast. I'm joined now by wet weather correspondent Marcy Hammonds. Hi, Leslie. Marcy, why are the nation's weather officials taking these measures? Well, with winds of over 150 MPH and the ability to move through several states in a matter of days, weather officials say that hurricanes have the potential to be coronavirus super spreaders. Dr. Alistair Buxley, a representative from the NOAA, gave a short press conference this morning in which he explained the new policy. Here he is.
The virus spreads via respiratory droplets that an irresponsible hurricane can easily pick up from any infected resident that it bashes around in its high winds. The fast moving storms can also catch COVID-19 from contaminated surfaces in any of the homes or businesses the storm completely pulverizes. This is why we're recommending that after flooding entire cities and killing a number of people, these tropical cyclones must storm in place for a full two weeks before traveling to a different area. Always better to be safe than sorry, but Marcy, how likely is it that a hurricane could come down with coronavirus in the US? It's very likely depending on its entry point. States like Florida and Texas, which gets several hurricanes a year, have recently seen cases of COVID-19 skyrocket. So even a careful Category 1 that spends less than 24 hours in one of these states could end up being exposed to thousands of infected people before leveling their communities, which is exactly what the NOAA is trying to prevent.
Sure. Now obviously every precaution we can take to stop the spread of this virus helps, but how do weather officials plan to enforce these regulations? That's a good question. Dr. Buckley says that enforcement will be tough. Here he is again.
We'll be putting up warning signs along the coast informing approaching storms of the new guidelines and offering free temperature checks before entry. And while no arrests will be made, any tropical storm that does not follow these rules or is known to have spent time on any Caribbean island with a high rate of coronavirus cases could be deported and issued a $10,000 fine. Hopefully such a steep penalty will defer such risky weather patterns. Well, Buxley and his team are also asking residents for their help, reminding them to evacuate to a spot that is at least six feet away from any approaching storm and to wear a mask if they plan on being directly in the path of a Category 5. Now Marcy, one question I have is why don't coastal states like Florida and Texas, where the majority of hurricanes make landfall, just ban the storms from traveling to their states altogether? Well, Leslie, unfortunately, shutting down a state completely to these extreme weather patterns could have a negative effect on the state's economy. For instance, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis says the destruction that hurricanes bring to the area provides thousands of jobs to local first responders, cleanup crews and construction businesses every year.
Makes sense. Balancing a healthy economy and killing people is a delicate dance. That's very true.
Thanks, Marcy. That's OPR's Marcy Hammond back in a moment. Well, pretty soon, if you're looking to buy toys for an infant or toddler in your life, you might have to look somewhere other than Fisher Price. The popular children's toy maker is reportedly making some big boy changes to its brand after 89 years. For more on the changes, I'm joined by OPR consumer reporter Marcy Hammond. Welcome, Marcy. Thanks, Leslie.
So what exactly is Fisher Price changing and why? Well, it sounds like the toy manufacturer is wanting to produce more mature products because as Fisher Price head Chuck Scoden told reporters this morning, the company was, quote, tired of making stupid toys for babies. Here he is with more in the new direction.
All these toys are for dumb little babies. Well, we don't want to make stupid toys anymore for idiot babies who can't even talk.
We want to make awesome stuff. That's really fun. So we're going to start making cool grown up stuff like trucks and spaceships and awesome stuff. That seems like a pretty big undertaking for a company that's made rattles and corn poppers for the last nine decades. While Scoden says that Fisher Price has been really, really extra good, and that it's time that they get to make products that all the other companies get to make. Why does Nerf get to make guns and blasters and we only get to make boring, dumb stuff? We're way older than Nerf. We should at least be allowed to make airsoft guns or super real looking video games with gangs and scary monsters and stuff.
Whatever. We'll show you.
We're gonna start making super cool rocket ships immediately. They're gonna be yellow and black and have a bunch of lasers and machine guns. And when it lifts off, it's gonna go and they're gonna land on Mars, and we're gonna meet aliens and kill them. Well, that does sound pretty cool.
But Marcy, what prompted such a drastic decision? Well, some sources have told me that Fisher Price was made fun of by its older sister's subsidiary, the Barbie division for still needing diapers to play with its toys. Apparently, Scoden ran away crying. And when he was found later, he announced the decision to the rest of the company.
So is there anything holding Fisher Price back from starting productions on laser and machine gun equipped yellow and black rocket ships? Well, Fisher Price's parent company Mattel does have the final say and they don't seem too keen on Fisher Price getting into weaponry or according to Mattel CEO in on cries, anything that's not suitable for those five and under. No, no, no rocket ships are way too dangerous. People could get hurt. Maybe Hasbro let's nerf and GI Joe do whatever they want with their funding.
But as long as Fisher Price is living under the Mattel umbrella, they're gonna have to live by our rules. Besides, Fisher Price loves making its woodsy wonders bouncer and babies first blocks. Oh, boy. And how did Fisher Price respond? About as well as you would expect.
No, I hate woodsy wonders and babies first blocks. They're for stupid little babies. I hate them.
I want to make missiles and bombs and video games. Mr. Scoden eventually tired himself out and was laid down for a nap. Poor little guy heads of subsidiaries want to grow their brand so fast these days. Well, he'll get over it. I wouldn't count on that. Shortly after our interview, Fisher Price seemingly rebelled against its parent company and started manufacturing rockets without permission that looked like they were constructed using a toy school bus and a snuggle monkey cradle duct taped together with a xylophone on which the bars were labeled dynamite. Mattel has already recalled all the sold missiles, refunded the buyers and sent Scoden back to his office to think about what he'd done.
Oh, sounds like somebody is in trouble. Well, thanks for that report, Marcy. You bet. That's OPR's Marcy Hammond, back in a moment.
Plenty of other news that happened in the past 24 hours, but they were all pretty cut and dry and didn't really give me and my takes on them an opportunity to shine. So instead of telling you about them, we're going to answer a few questions that have been sent in by you, the listener, using the hashtag Leslie's Mail Sack. Our first question comes to us from Twitter user HeyDogVR, and they ask, why does most of the news focus on America and Americans? I live in Australia and nothing happens to us. Well, HeyDog, it's like I always say, if you want to be covered on the topical, you need to do something newsworthy. So if Australia would like to be featured more on the podcast, they may want to consider loosening their gun laws or greatly upping their number of coronavirus cases. Then maybe they'll get some more airtime, but until that happens, we'll mostly be covering stories from right here in the good old US of A. All right, our next question comes to us from Nick Anderson on Twitter.
He writes, my coworker rudely talked over your whole story. Could you repeat it or at least give me a basic rundown? Well, first off, I'm sorry that happened to you, Nick. Unfortunately, though, it's a no can do. I hate repeating myself.
But the good news is that you can actually purchase a copy of today or any other day's episode of the topical so you can read, listen to all the day's top stories as much as you want. Just email us at OPR at the onion Let us know the date of the episode you'd like to purchase. And for just $49.99, we'll send you a cassette of that day's show. Unless, of course, we were covering the coronavirus that day. Those episodes are a little more expensive since that news is pretty important. And finally, our last question of the day comes to us from Twitter user and they write, what's the music that plays at the beginning of each podcast?
I have no clue why, but I love that tune so much. Hmm. Well, that's very kind, but I'm honestly not sure what you're talking about.
The topical famously has no theme song and is the only daily news podcast that refuses to use any music whatsoever. So as not to distract from our reporting, whatever you've been hearing each and every day must all be in your head. And I would encourage you to seek professional psychiatric help if you continue to hear it, especially right now. And that's it for the topical today.
I'm Leslie Price. If you have a question you'd like to ask me about the news or the show or my relationship status, you can submit that question by using the hashtag Leslie's Mail Sack on social media or in the reviews on Apple podcast.
Just please don't ask me anything hard. I don't want to have to put any time or effort into this.
And don't forget to tune into tomorrow's episode where we'll sit down with a police officer who will demonstrate for us the proper technique for subduing a grand jury. You won't want to miss it. We'll see you tomorrow. Topical on Apple podcast, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts, you insatiable news freaks. |
ClickHole | watch_these_people_explain_what_it_s_like_to_be_in_a_long_distance_relationship | I've been in a long-distance relationship for two years. For about eight months. We were long-distance last year and we recently moved in together. Long-distance for a year and then we lived together for three months and then... And then long-distance again for 10 years and now we live on different floors of the same building.
So I'm in San Diego and my girlfriend's in New York. My job's in Alaska, we have two dogs based in Ames and Los Alamos. We tried to raise a child but we left in Spain so it is hard. Long-distance is not ideal but you know Crash wasn't an ideal movie and that won Best Picture so... We have a pet cat that we mail back and forth.
When I have it, it gets his name. But when he has it, it gets my name.
It's important to visit as much as you can. Phone calls are fine but compared to actually being there, there's no substitute.
Definitely deciding who's gonna be the computer. Before Skyping, the whole discussion of who has to be the person, who gets to be the computer. Who's the computer? I want to be the computer. No, I want to be the computer. I'll be the human. Okay, no, I'll be the human. It's every night. I mean, we try to alternate but sometimes you just want to be the computer.
When you're hanging out with other couples, you kind of feel like the third wheel or the fifth or seventh wheel. The way it works is however many couples you're with, double that, then add one. That's the number wheelie, if you like. Let n be number of couples. Wheel equals n times two plus one. It's just math. It works every time.
Explaining to people that you're in a long-distance relationship, it can be tough to find the right word. Like no, I'm not single.
I love the phone. I love the phone so much that I can't go out tonight.
Having sex with other couples while your partner's away, that's always a weird thing to talk about on Skype later. I'm like, I had sex with this other person and she's like, bahhh.
Why? You broke my heart. Nah, you're a monster. So yeah.
Long-distance dates are like trying to plug in a N64 cartridge into a VHS player. It usually doesn't work and even when it does, it just plays a video of Mario driving around by himself. You can't control the video. You just watch it as it loops and loops.
One question that you do ask yourself when you're long-distance is, what is my name? What is my name? Yes, exactly. Who am I? What is my name? It's just like, ah, who am I? What's my name? I have no idea. Help me, please, help me, you know. What is my name? Like, what is my name? Like, my name. What is it? |
SaturdayNightLive | woo_the_musical_snl | I haven't been anywhere like this before. I'm a straight a student from Oklahoma City. But now that I've been Mexico, I'm ready to grow.
I'm ready to show the woman that's inside of me. the Daytona Sun says, it's like a musical, and it's about Spring Break. sup? hi. hey, my buddy wanted me to give you bathing suit bottoms back. that's sweet. take a light. who was his friend? I wish I knew. was it true? or was it you? it might be Stu. what was his name? Oh yes, it was Darnell. Allison Grove of the Galveston Journal said, this musical lasted almost two hours. Bro, I just wanted to let you know I was really polluted last night. yeah, it's okay. so was I, dude. we don't remember a thing we did last night. you tell me, do we, Bro? no, we don't, Bro. babe, we're cool, Bro. yes, we are, bro. then let's go, bro, and get some Wivos Ranchero. with special guest artist, Jervis Dubois from The Young and The Restless, The Miami Herald says, of all the shows Jervis Dubois has done, this one is the most recent. where do all the black people go on Spring Break?
I think sure as hell ain't here in the mold car from there. where are they? Oh, where they at?
The Fort Lauderdale Chronicle says, the theater was really cold. I wish I had worn a sweater. girl, you make me feel so tight, like quarter beer night. I don't know about you, but yo, it just feels right. will you visit me at Texas A&m? The Sarasota Times says, the snacks at intermission were expensive. Hi, guys. I'm Sherri from Western Michigan University, and I just got the Spring Break Fever. The Fort Lauderdale Sheraton, ticket admission $20, or get in free if you show us your tatas. |
dropout | Why_the_American_Dream_is_a_Myth | See them? They're living the American dream.
Here a little hard work can take anyone from rags to riches. I was born with one leg and no money, but I worked hard and now I'm a billionaire. I can buy all the legs I could ever want.
Sorry, Yunk. America hardly has the highest rates of upward social mobility. In a ranking of 24 countries, we came in 16th. How can that be?
The truth is, if you're poor in America, no matter how hard you work, the deck is completely stacked against you. Being poor in this country is actually incredibly expensive. If you're living in poverty, you have to spend more on daily necessities because you can't afford to buy in bulk.
Wow. Now I can keep my butt clean in all my vacation homes. What a deal. You know, if I pull apart the double ply, it's actually a two-for-one. What a deal.
And if you have a lower income, you have to spend a larger portion of your budget on basic necessities. Up to 70% of a poor American's income is spent on food, housing, and transportation. After they cover their basic expenses, on average, low-income Americans who only make $15,000 to $20,000 a year are left with just $1 a day. No, I shouldn't splurge. And that doesn't just make it harder to get by day to day. It also makes it harder to save money so you can live more comfortably in the future.
Well, if people need money, why don't they just apply for a credit card or get a loan? That's how I paid for my last three wars. Well, that's a great idea. Except that to open a bank account or credit card, our financial institutions require that you already have money or good credit. Wait, so in order to build credit, I need a credit card, but I can't get a credit card unless I have good credit? And if you can't save, even a small, unexpected expense can have disastrous consequences. Right now, 46% of Americans say they couldn't afford to pay a surprise bill for just $400.
Oh my god, my bike! That's how I get to work, and if I can't get to work, then I can't buy another bike. Curse this vicious cycle! He seems lazy. |
cracked | why_droids_are_trusted_with_sensitive_data_it_s_dick_pics_galactic_war_room | Well hey there buddy, let's have it then. Lieutenant Keel, a message from Captain Lander. Hmm, yeah, okay. This is what I expected.
What, what is it? Is the war over? Yes, the transgalactic war ended so she said, hmm, yeah, okay. I know, I was here when it happened, so what do we do now?
The war isn't over, but well, the cosmic wizard knight who's been sort of the linchpin in our entire efforts against the authority has absconded with one of our ships to a remote planet for more training. It happens from time to time when you have chosen one style space warriors and senior command.
His quest should wrap up in when it needs to. In the meantime, we need to get this map to the general right away. I cannot stress enough the importance of this. If this map fell into the wrong hands, our entire efforts would be for nothing. The security of this drive is crucial for everything that we hold dear.
Yes sir. See that the general gets this and do not be followed. So did nobody read my memo? I can read.
I set up a cross net. All consoles are now equipped with both inter and intra communications. Why do we need some new tech for something we already have a system for? Exactly a moment ago would be a good example. All of our most crucial maps were just putting onto tangible things then giving them to tangible other things that are vulnerable and slow. Now you can instantly share information and send messages across a network. I mean it's similar to all communications that exist on like our comms.
Now instead of dropping mostly classified information into wobbly andros and sending them off to different planets we just you know don't need to do that. So we'd send the map to the andro and then the andro would tell the general. You can send the map directly to the general yourself.
Fast or easy or totally secure press of a button you're done. Well thank you. How do we?
Probably in the memo. I got a message from the general. I did too. Oh I'm gonna send him the map. Already did. He says thanks. I'm gonna try sending something to everyone. Did it. Got it.
That is so fast. This is immediately better. I am never going back to andros.
My life mate is on here. I could message her. Ma it is me. I am talking to you instantly. Do you think this sends pictures? What do you do if you have no messages? How could one you know join in on this fun we're all having?
Ayla can't owe you money. Ayla died. Heroically.
Oh! Another message from Binnie. What? I got it too. What? We do! A message! Success!
Oh no. Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait okay. Alright. That wasn't meant for you. Well we all got it. And so did. Hey the general.
It wasn't meant for this is crazy. This is new tech.
This could have happened to any one of us. Any one of us.
Why does yours do that? Mine has this like razor sort of like edge to it.
Ayla! Whoa!
You can't dismantle an incredibly useful piece of tech just because of one disgusting incident. I'm not waking up one morning to an inbox full of wampus' delicate sack. There's nothing wrong with andros. I kind of like the waiting. |
Wizards_with_Guns | pov_ur_invited_to_the_sleepover_funny_comedy | My mom says you're allowed to sleep over.
Mr. President! One at a time, one at a time, yes, Tyler? Mr. President, should I bring my PSP? Great question. Uh, no, Dylan is bringing all his GameTube controllers, and I just got Super Monkey Ball. Mr. President! Uh, yes?
There are concerns that the TV in your room is too small for split screen. Okay, so my mom said she's gonna watch NCIS in her room, that way we can use the big TV in the den.
Mr. President!
How late are we allowed to stay up? It's tough to say right now. Currently my mom is in talks with your mom, but it's not a school night, so we're looking at 10, 30, 11 if we're lucky.
Yeah, uh, what kind of snacks should I bring? There is no need to bring your own snacks. My house has the really big pantry with, like, every food.
Mr. President! Even fruit roll-ups? Yep, and fruit by the foot. My parents are rich. Mr. President! |
dropout | troopers_bathroom_run | Two minutes. Pay up, Rich. What? I just got here.
Oh, I got pissed. Yeah, well somebody jettisoned our bathroom up into space. Uh, that was partially the bathroom's fault. Find a higher floor.
Oh, god, so far away.
It's like my pelvis is juggling water balloons. Uh, uh, uh, god, and the balloons are full of piss. And the piss is in my penis.
Open. Whoa! Oh, god. Learn to knock.
Sorry. Uh, uh, uh, uh... Bleh. Screw this. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
Computer, please find me the closest vacant restroom. Searching. Still. Searching.
Got it. It is located over there. Where? Uh, you know, that way. Which way?
You're not even pointing at anything. You don't even have hands.
Oh, sure. Rub it in.
I can't deal with this. I'm too full of juice. Don't think about juice. Excuse me. Juice emergency.
I'm coming. This is the ladies' room.
Can't you read? Ugh. Shit. Herbert. Uh, uh, uh, uh.
Who's in there? It's me, Chase. You duct-taped me to the toilet? Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, oh, no. Are you guys gonna let me out? It's gonna happen. Oh, forgive me, door. I can't wait. Not sure about that. You know, I'm sort of numb with rage. I'm gonna go process this. Good day. |
cracked | game_of_thrones_spinoffs_wonder_woman_hacking_this_week_in_excessive_pop_culture_discussion | You look like you're looking at me. Hello, everyone. Welcome to excessive pop culture discussion. This is the unscripted show where we're going to take you through all of the major pop culture headlines that everyone's talking about through the week.
At least three of them. Yeah, at least three. And none of them will involve the president.
It's all pop culture stuff. We're going to then dig into a bigger story that's going to be a bizarre fan theory or some other weird thing, as you'll see, we do later.
I'm your host Daniel O'Brien. With me this week is Soren Bui from Cracked and Maggie Mae Fish from Cracked and the Internet and Comedy. That's my Soren.
Perfect. There it is.
Guys, welcome to the first episode of excessive pop culture discussion. I regret it so much. It's like peanut butter in your mouth. Every time it comes out, you go, it's really bad because I have the show Pop Culture Disorder, which just about scans and makes sense, and I wanted to do a spin-off podcast, an obsessive podcaster disorder, and I couldn't do that. So I'm doing this instead, but I couldn't call this a podcast, and now here we are. I mean, it fits. We're going to excessively talk about pop culture. You're very defensive. Yeah. Well, it's the first episode.
This is great. You're doing so good. We will give you affirmations as we go through the episode. Thank you. I appreciate it.
Let's start. Let's get into this week in pop culture. First headline that I want to talk about is about Wonder Woman, which came out today, the day that we're filming this.
There's a big Hollywood Reporter article that was making the rounds on the Internet. Warner Brothers gambles $150 million on its first woman-centered comic book movie with a filmmaker whose only prior big screen credit was an $8 million indie. And there are things worth pointing out. The $8 million indie in question was Monster.
Right. Got Charlize Theron an Academy Award and completely changed the way Hollywood thought of her. That was a vehicle for her. Yeah. And everyone thought Patty Jenkins, the director, was crazy because they're like, don't Charlize Theron is just a bombshell wife character. She can't play a murderous prostitute named Monster. Gee, it's almost as if she saw her as a human. Yeah. Not a sex object. I think Monster is actually the name of the doctor in that. Oh, she's the monster's monster.
Other things about that movie, it cost $8 million, grossed $34 million. And the other thing I want to point out about directors of superhero movies, the Russo brothers who did Captain America Winter Soldier before that, they did Community, and two episodes of Animal Practice. So they've never done a movie at all? They hadn't done a movie, no. James Gunn before Guardians of the Galaxy did indie film Super, budget $2 million. And before getting Spider-Man Homecoming, John Watts did, I mean, obviously I don't need to read it because it's so recognizable and familiar.
We all remember that famous John Watts cop car on a $5 million budget. The literal vehicle. Yes, yes. I remember that one.
And before cop car, he did a segment of the hyper-independent Our RoboCop remake. And to provide context of just how low, low budget that is, we also did a segment of that movie. A bunch of people got together and did like six minutes at a time of that movie.
And our budget was nothing. I think we put our director, we gave him a camera and put him on an office chair. And that was our dolly. We just rolled him around the office. And that didn't bother the ADR. It was just...
It's the only superhero scene. So I believe we are now on deck for a Spider-Man movie.
Yeah, that's exactly what I was going to say. We deserve it at this point. But the takeaway from this is that we...
There weren't a lot of headlines about studios gambling on James Gunn or the Russo brothers or John Watts or Colin Trevorrow who did an indie and then got Jurassic World and a Star War movie. No one was like, this is a big gamble.
I don't know if this is what it takes. And I'm trying to find out if there's any difference between James Gunn, the Russo brothers, Colin Trevorrow, John Watt, and Patty Jenkins. What's the difference between them and her? There was like a Venn diagram. Hold on, Maggie. Soren, would you answer this question, please? No, you're right, Dan. I haven't proved myself yet.
My hot take is that it's because it's a woman. Hot take. And the article is really fascinating and there's some really depressing stuff in there.
Patty Jenkins was originally on board for doing Thor II. And then she backed out. And while she doesn't call it out by name, there's a quote in there where she's just saying, sometimes I'll see a project with problems. And if I know it is going to be a problem movie that might be bad, then I have to walk away from it because the stakes are different for me. None of this is a direct quote. But she's just saying that if I make this movie that I know is loaded with problems and it's bad, it's my fault and it's women's fault. The stakes are different because if a man did it, then it's another case where the studio screwed it up. And that's also the same case for the Wonder Woman movie.
There's so much pressure for it to be awesome and amazing, which it is awesome and amazing. But there's so much pressure on it. It's like, this is where we are.
Hopefully 20 years from now, we can have really bad women movies that just suck and have bad women directors, but it's okay because it won't matter. But now it so matters that anyone else will take the heat from that but the woman. Everyone seems to be asking in this article, can Patty Jenkins make directing superhero movies a safe place for women directors? Making a $150 million movie, that's already pressure. Making a Wonder Woman movie, more pressure.
Saving the DC movie universe, which she did. This is going to be the biggest bounce back in terms of ratings for a movie franchise. I think it saved the entire franchise. Absolutely. DC needs to stop whatever their plans are and steer, now Wonder Woman is the focus. Stop, I don't want an Aquaman movie. Just build your universe around dog adults.
Is that it? I think so. I'm almost positive. I like it when you're reading the name of something because I just know that you practiced it at home. I like thinking about that in the mirror.
You're getting me wrong a lot and getting really mad at yourself. Slack myself. You'll get it right.
You're doing great, you're doing great. This show is going very well. Yeah, I feel really good as a fucking... I feel great.
My question is, does Wonder Brothers or DC want this movie to fail for any particular... I can't think of a reason why, but they did a terrible job marketing it. You spoke on that, right? Yeah, we have a video about that. And now everyone is already setting up this like, if this movie doesn't do well, no more workforce for women, I guess. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, there are these antiquated sections of the entertainment industry where everybody there is still kind of dinosaurs and they're operating on an old system.
And radio, we know is one of them. Like terrestrial radio.
There's a woman in that group who's only there to laugh at the hosts. And she's called The Hole.
It's brutal. And then also the old stunt dudes who run studios. Connecting in our brain. I was like, oh, that's terrible. That small boy, anyways. And then the old brass who they run studios.
I think that in the same way where they're like, nah, the doll should just be in pictures. Put her in front of the camera. She's pretty. Otherwise, get rid of her.
And so I don't think... I think that there's probably an element of it there where they... Maybe they're not waiting for it to fail, but they're like, why would we put money behind this?
Yeah. Right. This is not a big picture. This is not a project where we have one of our heavyweights behind it. Because men weigh more than women physically. Yeah. All of them. Yes. Yeah. I know they're not... This is another sexism is bad side note to this thing.
I know they're not directors, but between Ryan Reynolds and Chris Evans, they have made four bad superhero comic book movies and a few years go by and the studios are just like... Oh, Fantastic Four. You're not Captain Captain America. Fantastic Four, Fantastic Four 2, R.I.P.D., which was a comic, and Green Lantern.
Yeah. And studios are still like...
So bad. The worst.
Give them another shot. Give them another superhero.
It doesn't matter. Yeah.
Well, there's also something to be said of women being the object versus the subject of the film. And I think it just makes men uncomfortable being the object instead of the subject. And like a studio exec, you know, when they see the... When they see like the plan for the film, they're going to be like, oh, I'm uncomfortable. I can't relate to this.
Yeah, exactly. It's because we haven't seen it that often. That was one of the things I loved about the movie that she was clearly a subject. The objects were, you know, clearly from her point of view, which from like a film perspective, we don't usually get to see. Yeah. So it brings people out. Yeah. And it is a good movie. Everyone should see Wonder Woman.
I intend to. I will. I'll see it. It's just when it comes out on Apple TV, because I've got a child.
Sure. Maggie May, do you have something for us? I do. I know that you do, because we planned this. Boy, this is such a weird one. Do we even have the layers of this? Oh, just wait. Yeah. I know what you picked out.
Okay, so there is a new Snow White remake film, which in the first place, you know, just because it's free, maybe it's not a good idea. It's just because it might not be great. So it's about these dwarves, and the dwarves are princes who got like turned into dwarves.
Okay. And so they need to find these magical shoes. Follow me. Follow me with on this. Okay, yeah. Find these magical shoes that Snow White is wearing. To be turned back into princes? Yes. Okay. It seems like her being Snow White is sort of not necessary for this movie. Yeah.
It seems to have nothing to do with anything. In the same way that Shrek was like just an opportunity to play that Smash Mouth song, I feel like they're just giving it, getting back to that Spin Doctor song to princes, and they're like, if we could just find something to write around that, we can play that at the end, and it will make a lot of money for us. It's like a script for you.
So anyways, yeah, I guess there's a bit of controversy since I guess Snow White, when she puts on the shoes, it makes her attractive and pretty and young, and when she takes them off, she is an average woman, but the movie implies that she is like ugly. Oh, right. Yeah, they make synonymous ugly and being overweight. Right. She is... We're reacting like you're telling us this for the first time. Like, oh, interesting. I mean, we have headlines in front of us. Everything is a lie. Yeah, so she is like a chubby or like average body type person with the shoes off and then puts them on and becomes very skinny. Right. And like Snow White. Like, you remember the... Oh, yeah. The fairest of them all. Yeah. And the weird thing is, okay, so the girl who does the voice of Snow White, Chloe Grace...
Morettes. Morettes, yeah. Morettes.
I'm going to get a more until someone stops me. No one, no one, no one, okay.
She's usually, she's like an outspoken feminist and she came out and said like, I'm super against the marketing campaign because the marketing campaign was, what if Snow White was no longer pretty? And it shows her like skinny self next to her like larger, normal self and she's a star and she had to come out and say like, I did not approve this. Like, no one on my team approved this. They actually pulled the marketing campaign.
Good. Yeah, but it's still a question of like, okay, so she read the script and thought it was a good story to share. I assume that the script must be completely different than the way they're marketing it. Yeah.
Unless, I mean, there are like, there are things, sketches that we made years ago and then it takes a while, they get shelved for whatever reason and they come out much, much later and they don't seem as timely. Maybe this was like, they filmed and did all of this in like 1998. Right, because within the last year and a half, I wanna say, Chloe Grace Moretz took a hiatus from acting. She like canceled a whole bunch of projects, project that she's done. So this isn't, there's no way this is recent within the last 18 months or anything like this.
Yeah. This is well before because animation takes long and it's still, when you first sent the links over to me and I was just reading, oh, it's like Snow White, but what if instead of falling asleep because she got poisoned by an apple, she was like overweight and had magic shoes? Yeah, right. That's probably the worst part of this. Yeah. And then you get to the marketing, this giant post that is like, what if Snow White but ugly and dwarves but tall? That's the worst part. It is weird also that it's, she's only beautiful when she wears these high heels and there are heels in it and it's very strange like that that's, and that they made it ugly, that they're like, what if Snow White was ugly? Yeah.
Like in the trailer even, you watch it and there are these. Trailer is cringy. Everyone should watch the trailer.
There's two dwarves who are like, yeah, this woman's taking her clothes off in front of us. They sneak into the house and then they hide under an ottoman while she is getting changed because she thinks she's in the privacy of her home and there aren't dwarves under her ottoman. And they're nudging each other like, we're about to see some pink parts. And then, and she does get naked and that's just walked over and then she comes over and stands in front of them, takes off one shoe and a foot comes down and it's a very heavy foot. And these dwarves react like, I can't believe we were f***ing into her.
This is the gross one. I'm going to throw up. It's so, it's so many levels. Bad movie, bad marketing. They got tricked into liking a fat woman. Yeah, so upset. That's the joke.
I can't imagine what they could have done to be, for these princes to have been cursed. They seem like such upstanding guys. Right. Oh boy.
Maybe they're, then maybe they're going to direct the next Spider-Man movie. I'm sure they will. Those dwarves will direct the next Spider-Man movie.
Sorin, what fun pop culture line do you have for us? Yeah, it was just some fun pop culture. Mine's about car culture and about the internet as well.
And this longstanding fear I've had that's now just coming into fruition. There was a biker gang from Tijuana called the Hooligans Motorcycle Club.
Oh, I love it. Yeah, that's what they call it. I like it.
And they stole five million dollars worth of Jeeps from San Diego. And the way they did it was that they walked around San Diego, looked at the VIN numbers of cars. This wasn't from lots, Jeep Lots or anything. This is from just out in the residential neighborhoods. Looked at the VIN numbers and then hacked into a database that had all of the key codes because the key codes are, it's not like a tangible key anymore that you put in. They could find the key codes for those VIN numbers and then just replicate the keys, the key numbers.
Wait, this is a biker gang that did that? I know, I know. Yeah, so this biker gang that like clearly has, shows some, technologically initiated, they figured out what would be the equivalent of seeing a map online of every single, how the key looks in detail. And then you also have a key maker there who can make it all. So they just went in, they went back to LA, I'm sorry, San Diego, and they just unlocked all these cars, hacked into the cars basically, the systems inside the car and then drove them all back to Mexico. And the reason they bring this up and the reason that it's interesting to me is that...
You were in the gang. I was in this gang. It was your idea. It's blood in, blood out. He got in, which guy were you? He was just a lookout, you look like a lookout. I was not the computer expert. That guy didn't feel good about his place in the gang either, I would tell you that.
He was very, he was like, I didn't get into this for computer work. My dad was an HMC and he ran a lot of drugs. His dad was an HMC. He got a bunch of tattoos and now, I feel like this is mostly office work, like I'm doing a lot more hacking.
Yeah, it's not. Listen, we're going to do all the other stuff other. But later, I need you to actually come in for double time on Saturday, if that's all right with you. Wait a minute, I'd be kidding to think, that's why you guys put me in this circle.
But so we have this sort of illustrious tradition of being afraid of computers and cars that shows up in movies like iRobot and Logan, where the cars are now dangerous as well because somebody else is in control. And our initial reaction to this is always, well, if somebody can hack into my car, they're going to take out my brakes and drive me towards a bridge. Like, we're not thinking about it like a thief would. We're thinking about it like these enemies are in the matrix that want to kill us.
Just some troll, yeah. Right.
And so, but what's actually, this is much more likely what's going to happen, is that these cars get stolen much more easily. And there's just no cyber security in cars now. So there's a lot of onboard computers in these cars. But they haven't really thought it through at all as far as what they're doing because they're discovering now that these companies didn't even anticipate that there would be a second owner of these cars.
Like, once your fingerprint is on the car, it's just, it's on there. So you can't ever wipe it. You take it back to a dealership. I never thought of that. Oh, my God. Yeah, you take it back to a dealership and they, even if they factory wipe it, they reset it to the factory standards. You're still in that car.
And there was a guy, actually, his name was Charles Henderson and there's this RSA conference. Classic gang member name. Oh, he's not in the gang? No, he's not in the gang. This is a guy who's attending this security conference, this IT security conference called RSA.
And he brought to the table and showed everyone there that a car that he traded in two years ago to the same dealer where he bought it, that he could still unlock the car. He could honk the horn. He could do all kinds of things. He could find it on GPS and unlock it. So two years after trading it in, he could go find that car wherever it was and take it.
And they've never anticipated that this was going to happen. In addition to that, there's no cyber security. They're now discovering there's no cyber security in these cars for malware attacks. And it's so easy because all of them are connected to the internet. So the malware, there's so many ins for somebody to get into the car, even if they're not going to steal it, just to f*** it up. And there's no security methods.
And there's also, you can't do a software update. These aren't laptops or phones where products that you own for two years or three years, these are products that you own for 10 or 15 years. And there's no way, I mean, there's nothing, like for a software, there's no software recall.
I mean, I guess there could be, but then you have to bring your car back to the dealership. And some specialist has to come, like take it for a while.
I mean, at a base level, it seems clear that they don't have anything. They hadn't considered this, and they have nothing in place. Never. And so here's the scariest part. No, no. The gang is getting high off it.
Do you remember, just recently, there was the WannaCry ransom, where there was like 300,000 computers all over the world. And what they did, basically, was they shut down your computer. They got malware in. They shut down your computer. And if you wanted to open it again, you had to pay a certain amount of Bitcoin to just this rogue account.
Of course, it's Bitcoin. Yeah. That was nerd. Yeah, let's threaten the hacker tag. Oh, no. So that's what everybody thinks is going to happen now.
There's a group called FASTR, which is F-A-S-T-R, and that stands for Future of Automotive Security Technology Research. These guys are at the head. They're at the forefront of all the technology that's in cars. And they're saying, yeah, there's going to probably be a ransomware on cars this year. And they're saying, this was in Consumer Reports. And they're like, we're expecting it to happen this year, that hackers will find. Because now that the cars have been out long enough that they can get there, they can start figuring out the technology, and they can figure out where the best entrance is on a lot of these cars. And to ransomware somebody's car, you can just get a notification on the little screen, if you have, let's say, like a Tesla.
It would be like right here. And it would just say, if you want your car back, you pay this much. And obviously, you'd want that a lot more than, say, your laptop, because the car is worth more. Right. So you can charge so much more.
And now it's just a big paperweight that you can't ever use again unless you pay the ransom. All we can hope for is that they're kind of inept.
There's a hacker who's making headlines today. So hey, four headlines.
He is the guy who threatened Netflix because he got all of Orange is the New Black and was like, you've got to pay me Bitcoin, or I'm going to release episodes of this show. And Netflix was like, I don't think you understand how our business model works. We have the subscribers already who are going to watch the show. And so he leaked some of the show and nobody cares. And then he announced recently, like, I think today actually, he announced ABC might be next. Everyone watch this space like, oh, man, definitely don't leak Quantico.
Yeah. That's Lorentz. Scorpion or whatever they have. Yeah. I'm sure that's CBS.
But I honestly don't know anything about ABC shows anymore.
Well, it seems like it's like an intersection of wanting to have the best product because everyone wants a smart car with all the gadgets and stuff. Yeah, of course. And that's where the technology, that's where they're competing, but they're not competing on keeping it safe. So that's why... Yeah, even if there's some sort of legislation now, where they're like, all right, we've got to crack down. The government's insisting that you make these new regulations in these protocols. Even if that exists now, there's so many cars out there that are going to continue to be out there for so long that are just, I mean, that you could make useless in five seconds. Yeah.
Our unchecked glee and eagerness to put computers into things that didn't used to have computers has always been really alarming to me because we've known about hackers since, gosh, at least the movie Hackers. Probably a little bit before then to inspire the movie. And computers have always been hacked, but still, for the last 25 years, we'd be like, we could put a computer right in your phone and in your car. We could put a computer and an internet in your coffee machine now. You can use your phone to turn on the lights in your house and then brew coffee in the morning. Like, the internet of things is a real thing.
And I can't imagine security is any better on any of these things. No, it's actually worse. And in fact, there was such charming optimism to that because when it's like all the stuff in your house, a lot of those companies are out of business now. So there's nobody to ever do any sort of like recon when that stuff goes wrong or they find there's some sort of hole in it. So now, like, your nest, well, nest is a bad example because nest is still around. But like, your home air conditioner or whatever, your system, is now totally vulnerable and it makes you vulnerable.
Right. My house is 80 degrees. What is that? Well, the fear is I'll be driving my car with a computer in it and then the computer will switch to a picture of my dick that my coffee machine took. Yeah. Ooh, boy. I don't care if that's here. Yeah. Yeah, I got to stop showing my coffee machine my dick. I thought I liked it. Seems right. All right. That's the weekend headlines, guys.
Let's get into the main story. Our main story this week, Game of Thrones, as it I'm sure will often be.
HBO announced that there will be four planned Game of Thrones spin-off pilots, each with different writers, already attached to them. And these pilots, that doesn't mean there's going to be four shows that come out. They're just like testing four different shows. And then George R.R. Martin announced that there would actually be five.
He announced that on some writing he did on his blog. Of course he did. Even though he should only be writing. Of course he did. Right.
Like, take the time to pedantically correct HBO, even though they'd get around to it, but he's like, I don't know, they said four? I'd better write 9,000 words in my blog about this instead of Game of Thrones. Yeah, Ketch, you've got ready to do already, George. You have an assignment. I need no extra credit here. I need him to make Game of Thrones.
A lot of people want him to finish Game of Thrones because they're worried that he's going to die, which is, I think, rude. I also want him to finish because I might die. Anyone might die.
And I need him to get these books done because life is chaotic and arbitrary, which he's very familiar with. And so he's just... Get on with these f***ing books.
Anyway, they're planning five more Game of Thrones spin-off or successor shows, whatever they're trying to call them. We know that none of them are going to be sequels. We know that it won't be a prequel show that exclusively focuses on Robert Trebellion.
That was the rebellion that gets talked a lot about in the show that when Robert Baratheon went to go rescue Lyanna Stark because she was kidnapped by the Targaryen and that was with the Mad King, all that stuff, that seemed like it would be a great show because all the characters talk about it. Like you meet Barrisons selling me this badass knight and everyone's like, remember that thing you did in Robert Trebellion? Let's just talk about it instead of ever seeing it. Basically like meeting Yoda in A New Hope where I were in Empire where Yoda was just like, well, yeah, he was probably totally rat in his pride and now he's just this old guy and now he's dead. But so we're not seeing Robert Trebellion.
We're also not seeing Dunk and Egg, which is an in-universe... Dunk and Egg is the title. Dunk and Egg.
I didn't know about this until we did this. It's novella series that George is still in the process of writing right now. It's about Sir Duncan who becomes the commander of the Night's Watch and his buddy, Aegon Targaryen, who becomes the future king of Westeros. It's them when they're like buddies.
And we're not going to see that because he's still working on it and he doesn't want HBO to do another show that will then inevitably laugh at him. And the reason he doesn't want to do Robert Trebellion is he's saying that by the end of the books, you'll have known everything that happens in Robert Trebellion. If he finishes the books... The books? If he finishes the books and also like... I know what happens in Game of Thrones because I've read the books, but I still like watching the show.
Right. And also, what does he think is... How is that all going to be answered? Is it just going to be an entire book of just Bran watching it all happen?
You can't do that. It's cheating. But we are not insiders.
None of us work for HBO. None of these shows. Nothing has come out.
You sounded like you. It's awesome. No, no. I came up with the... It's not TV. It's HBO. That's right. I remember that.
That's a lie, Maggie. Did I look that gullible? Am I that gullible?
No, but there was certainly a moment where you were like, ah, can you tell me? It's really fun for me because from my vantage point, you're saying a thing that I know is a lie Maggie, not be sure. And like, you're split with a question mark. I think I was just feeling like Dan radiated. But today, all of us Hollywood outsiders are going to spend a lot of time speculating on what shows we think they'll make or we hope they'll make and I don't know, I'm kind of hoping to make some money off this if any of our shows get taken. I don't need show runner, but what might be a good one? Well, I mean, you guys are two men, and you've been on... You've done something before. I'm sure next will be a...
We did a sketch month. We did a superhero sketch. Well, the unpopular. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We did three of them. Yeah. I did three superhero sketches.
I'll go make an Oscar winner, and then I'll come back. Oh, you're making a cute little Oscar winner?
Yeah. I do like that HBO released that notification and there's already writers attached that those writers didn't know. And they're like, we have to write a different show? Oh, okay. And then they'll see this now, and we can give them this information. They're like, oh, that's a great idea. Yeah, and I'll take a story by, or original concept by, or a lot of money.
I just want to be like... I just want to get my beep and stop it. I just want to be in the background and have one of my teeth blacked out, maybe.
Yeah, yeah. Smaller. Yeah, yeah. I think we're...
I didn't go for the structure. I still haven't put my bar over here.
Right, a very gender focused episode that we're aspiring to be show runners, and you're like, background wench, please. Background wench, please.
Thank you. My mom always said, aim small, miss small. It's the same. Soren, do you want to pitch your Game of Thrones show? I do, yeah. Okay, so I want to go back to, even before Aegon Dunk.
Dunkin' Egg, yeah. Dunkin' Egg.
Sir Duncan and Aegon. Okay, yeah. Before Aegon basically unified all of Westeros. Even before that to Ol' Valyria, when Ol' Valyria was a thing.
It was this little peninsula that's at the bottom of Essos, and for thousands of years, like 5,000 years, it was the equivalent of ancient Greece. It was just this epicenter of civilization where there was magic, and there were... I don't think that there was magic in ancient Greece.
But where they had like... And gods who talked to each other, and they called it a lot. But they had...
It was all a bunch of scholars and philosophers, and they came up with all kinds of amazing things there that then were lost to time afterwards. Like Valyrian steel, that they don't even know how to make Valyrian steel anymore because their process has been lost. And it all gets lost in this thing called the Doom. And the Doom, nobody really knows what it is, but all of a sudden all of these mountains exploded at once, and the peninsula fractured into these islands. And after that, the city just fell apart.
The only people that got away, I think, were Targaryens that moved to Dragonstone. But I would do a story that takes place in old Valeria leading up to that event. And what you're leading up to is finding out how that happened. Because if you talk to any of the different characters in the books or the movie, in the show, they all have a different answer for why this event happened. Some of them just think it was a natural disaster. Some of them are like, oh no, there were wizards that were responsible. They dropped the ball, and they were the ones keeping this mountain intact, and then they dropped the ball and they all exploded.
And so you would get this story about this cool civilization that has their dragons flying everywhere within the city. There's no ceiling on some of these buildings because they go all the way up into the clouds and you can't actually see anything above them. And it would be really cool. It would be a lot more political because the first season was, which I very, very much liked in Game of Thrones, and just all these political people vying.
But also magic is just sort of peripherally happening everywhere all the time. And everybody's very dangerous. Then they all have purple eyes and platinum hair. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm going to resend that because I don't want everyone to look exactly the same. I don't want that to be my brand.
You want the show to be. This is why I would love this show.
And you get to find out as it goes what actually happened. Yeah, I like that a lot. I also love the political stuff. I mean, the battles are cool, but I see every time the show, we're ramping up to a new show and Entertainment Weekly today they're talking about season seven. And the producer's like, when you see this big battle in season seven and probably there's going to be another one in season eight, it's going to blow your mind how cinematic and great this battle is. It's like, my favorite scenes are Tyrion, Tywin, and Cersei talking in a table for 11 minutes. That's got me hooked in this show. Right, my favorite is Cersei looking at Peter Bayless and being like, no, power is power. And it's the look in her eye. Or I choose violence. You're like, ah, yes, this is what I live for. And this show would be a bunch of perfect Aryan people, your words, doing politics and magic and dragons are just around.
No one's going to work, but I'm sure they're scheming and they're like, I don't know, coming up with stuff, inventing stuff. And you still have the thing of nature and weather versus the political stuff, and it's kind of like the theme of Game of Thrones. You still have that happening. And that there's this looming threat that there's somebody who's in charge of making sure that this nearby mountain stays intact. And he fails, apparently. Yeah, which I hope is the thing that someone is wandering around the countryside and they're like, what do you do? Oh, I've got to do this all the time or else. I'm not exactly sure. It's sort of a lost situation.
I have a ham sandwich. Would you like some? Yeah, that would be great.
No! Oh, it blows up the mountains. That's surprising. It's like a fire rain, but sure.
And I like that in Old Valyria, because now we're always dealing with them discovering magic again, and some people still don't believe it, and so on and do. And dragons just have existed here for thousands of years. We're cool with dragons. Also, we're cool with magic. Everybody knows how to use it here. Everybody's really good at it already. So there's no like, none of that dumb, clumsy magic. Yeah, and some people have dragons.
Yeah. It's like a better version of the Pompeii story. Exactly. It feels very much like the last is a Pompeii, but now Pompeii is somebody's actual fault. Right, right.
That's such a bad movie. I've seen it 15 times. It was John Snow did a Pompeii movie.
I did not know that. Oh, yeah. This is all news to me. Was this recent? Two years? Yeah, two, three years ago. Oh, since he's been John Snow. Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, it's bad.
You don't remember that he did Pompeii and then like took off as a leading man in lots of pictures? Pompeii. The details of Pompeii that I really like, and I hope that they included this in the movie, was that afterwards archaeologists came and found a bunch of tunnels and stuff that were preserved, and all the depictions were just porn on the walls.
Things that they scratched in, and the archaeologists who discovered it were really pious and religious, and they were just like, we're just not going to show this to anyone. And they closed it up. They sealed it up.
Oh, good lord. They didn't include that. The third act of the movie was kid Harrington just being like, I can make them bigger.
Ha, ha.
This is where I die. Amid what I love. Maggie, what's your show? So, my show is, I think it'd be a good like juxtaposition if we're still pitching to future writers.
Yeah. So, I want to do a show about the Brotherhood Without Banners. Yeah. Just like, because to me, they're a good example of like, again, like small moments of the show that I like. Yeah. Like two character scenes, where we really get a lot of personality. Because, you know, they're just this band of like ragtag, like Robin Hood characters. And really their only mission is to protect like small towns, small people from, like the overlords ruling over them. Yeah. That's like a seven samurai situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's really cool. I like, there's like a, like fun inconsistencies to them. Yes. And the ones that we've seen where they're like, we're going to get you home, Arya. You heard there's Lannisters to rob? Oh, we're going to do that instead. Yeah. They just abandon their course at every turn. Yeah. The main priest, who's just drunk all the time and doesn't mostly believe in God. Yeah. But he's like, yeah, I'm the priest, and I can bring back people from the dead. Yeah. I mean like, the Lord of Light brings it back or whatever. I don't really bite into that shit. And you just have one character who dies every episode. Right, of course. And he just has to be brought back again. Yeah, I really like that a lot. I like that, yeah, that they're, that they just go around to these towns. And like, occasionally you'll get a story, it'll feel very much like Magnificent Seven, and then occasionally you get a story where they go to a town, and they're like, we need you to protect us, like we're going to be attacked by the tollies or whatever the fuck on time. Right. And they're like, yeah, yeah, we're going to help you. And they're like, no, no, no, no, there's this other thing going on over here, and they're like, yeah, that sounds way more fun. Yeah, there's a lot more money in that. Yeah. And so the priorities are different in that world. Yeah.
There's no ethics at all.
I like that a lot. I think if they have a character that keeps dying every episode, they're like, Justin Thoreau when Leftovers is done. He dies, then bring him back, and he's like, fucking do it again. Do it again. I got some more stuff I gotta do.
You're not going to believe this. There's a, I don't know what to call it. It's a big building, and there's glass, drag and glass, I want to say. Trying to describe a hotel to somebody at like ancient times.
I like that show. I'm going to do my show now, because we're just about out of people. I want to do the beginning of the wall, like when the wall first gets built in the North. That's a good idea. Suck up. This show's going very well. This is a good show. I'm having fun.
For similar reasons that you like, you like that magic exists in Old Valeria. I like that for the wall too, because in Game of Thrones proper, you've got people who are, Tyrion is like, hey I heard there's white walkers, and everyone's like, fuck off. You also believe in dragons. All the magic is gone. All the things are dead, and like magic is slowly creeping into the world, and it's a plot point in the show. With the wall, they built the wall because of the monsters.
So you wouldn't have a character that is like white walkers. Those are just a fairy tale to scare children. Another character would be like, no, no, no, no, remember?
We just built this wall. You were there for that. You laid a lot of the ice at the bottom. You did a great job.
What did you think we were doing? What do you think this is here? Actually, what do people think that?
It was to keep out like monsters and I guess the free folk, but like they initially built it for monsters. And then the stories became, oh, it's just to keep the free folk out. This is all politics. But yeah, once you actually see those monsters, and then like deciding on like, somebody being ambitious enough to be like, we could build a wall so high they can't climb it.
I don't know what you're crazy about. I can't even conceive of something that big. If I was it, I'd be like, I'm not helping. That sounds so dumb.
And also the show would just be like knights versus zombies now. It's walking dead, but it's freezing, and everyone's machined because they all have swords and axes and stuff, and there would be, I like a focus show about the brotherhood, but I also like how expansive Game of Thrones is. And this is the same way, because we have the wall with multiple castles. We also have zombies and free folk.
We have wildlings that have not been united by goodness gracious, mance. They haven't been united by mance yet, so it's like all these different factions.
So you can still have battles. You got the cannibalistic thins. You've got giants who ride massive mammoths, and I mean, what's their deal? What do they do on the hump days?
I also like that there's not, the wall hasn't been around, like it's just starting. So there aren't like old hats at the Night's Watch. It's not like the wise people who've seen it all and are instructing.
It's a bunch of Band of Brothers guys. They're all young. They're doing this for the first time, and at the beginning of the wall, they really took their duties as members of the Night's Watch very seriously. It wasn't for outcasts. Now it's like a penal colony, but then they were like, we're protecting the realm from the monsters. So there's these really cool, like very serious badass knights fighting fucking zombies.
And I'm sure there'd be like long discussions about, what should we do? Should we stay at the wall?
I'm in love with it. That would be great. You could have battle scenes where they're fighting against the cannibals, for instance, and then they both have to stop in the middle of fighting to fight off these death eaters. I was like, pause real quick and take care of this. You could really dig into like the mystical magic of like, where did they all come from? Yeah.
Like the broccoli people. Yeah, the broccoli people. The broccoli children.
Yeah, because those kids, they have a whole society up there. They're the ones that are like, oh man, I like this idea a lot. I like the creation of the wall.
So will you greenlight it? Yeah, it's green-lighted.
Yeah, I like it because, I mean, you could even do it from just the perspective of all these wildling kingdoms and you're moving around between them. And instead of like the looming threat of this virus coming down and infecting everybody, instead the looming threat is, everybody kind of knows maybe there's a wall being built and they don't know why. Yeah. And like, are we on the right side of the wall? It's kind of weird. Just some wildling coming up to a night's watch and I was like, where are you, it seems like you guys are chopping down a whole lot of trees to make sure that no one can sneak up on something. I'm not really sure. I feel like, do you need a hand with that?
No, no, no, no, no, man. We're good. Don't worry about it. How are you going to get people over here to help us when we're in trouble? Oh, we're not coming back to this site. What? We live here with giants and said blue people.
Let me ask my boss. I'm going to go through the door real quick. I'll be right back. I swear to God.
I think that sounds great. I think so too.
HBO, you can... Should they comment below? Yeah, HBO, please comment below if you're making that show. Yeah, let me know so I can get in touch with you.
I make a great wench. There could be a wench in every one of those shows too and it could be the same one. It could be like a magical wench that jumps around to the shows. The Stan Lee wench. The Watcher Wench.
Oh boy. Yeah, that very well may be what the red witch is. I mean, yeah. She's clearly centuries old. She's probably been through all these timelines. Yeah.
All right, that was the main story and that's our show. Thank you very much for joining us.
Soren Bui, do you have a Twitter account where people can follow you? I do, yeah. You can follow me at Soren, S-O-R-E-N, underscore, L-T-D. Maggie Mae, where can people find you on the internet? Oh boy, you can find me on Twitter at Maggie, M-A-G-G-I-E, Mae, M-A-E, fish like the animal. So Maggie Mae, fish like the animal? Uh-huh, the beast that you see in the wildest in times. All right, I'm Daniel. You can find me at D-O-B, underscore, I-N-C and this has been Excessive Pop Culture Discussion. You can tweet at any and all three of us with the hashtag E-P-C-D with ideas for future episodes that you want us to do and we'll ignore them because the show is based around headlines that come out during the week.
But I like to give work to people because it makes them feel important. It feels useful. Yeah. I've never understood people who feel used. I only feel useful.
It's because you're two white men. Join us next time.
And please in the comments leave better titles for this show. I mean, there's no time, but I'm just curious. What a better mind than mine would come up with. |
cracked | sometimes_the_best_team_for_the_job_is_the_worst_idea_ever | Colonel Knife, thank god. Colonel Knife died a long time ago.
Now it's just Ricky. You're a colonel when your country needs you son. Was I a colonel when you left me and my men twisting in the breeze at the tribune? So the baggage, Ricky. And as short as coming directly for all of us, every last man, woman and child, so cut the shit and tell me. Did you get your team together?
It says here he was actually discharged for rape. He's a rapist?
He's the only demolitions expert on the planet capable of getting the job done is what he is. Okay. It's just that... Well, I... Who else have you got? Chet.
Star Whaler. Born on a commune in the 80s. Doctorate in geological sciences from Stanford. With an emphasis on zero-g fracking. If there is a human being on the planet that'll crack that asteroid in half, it's Star Whaler.
Great. Anything else you should know about him? He is a proud American. And? And he's been convicted of rape. Oh Jesus, Ricky. Don't you tell me a man can't save the world just because he's made a few mistakes. Alright. Who else have you got? James Blackman. He's a big black man.
Four Mr. Universe titles, two boxing heavyweight championships, three KOs and one opponent left dead in the ring. He is the best hand-to-hand combatant on the planet, in spite of, or some would say because of his experiences with rape. Natalya Kasparov.
Wait. Blackman's a rapist too? Hey! I said experiences. You're the racist that assume... Well, which is it? He's a rapist.
And why do we need a hand-to-hand expert to blow up an asteroid? Now General, while you're getting hung up on these details, that rock is a getting closer and closer.
So if you don't mind, Natalya Kasparov. Now if I had four words to describe her, it'd be sexy, Russian, genius, and cripple. But if I had a fifth word, it'd be rapist. Whoa. She's a rapist too? How you think she got in a wheelchair?
Vicente Rodriguez. Pilot. Doll strong. Element. Ace Savage. Craft services.
Rapist. Rapist! I mean, how does one person know so many rapists?
I'm not gonna lie, General. It's been a tough year for the team, but we have all been done. We've... Jesus, Ricky! We don't have time for this, General. You called me here because there's a job I need to do it. Now I swear on everything, Holy.
You put me and my rapist inside a spaceship, point towards that goddamn asteroid, and you could tell the President I'll stop breathing easy. I'm not telling the President anything about this. So just go. Go take your little team of he, she, rapes the noughts, and go save the planet. And don't ever talk to me again!
Sir. Yes, sir. Oh. In general, tell the world to make plans for the weekend.
Whoo! Yeah! Get him! Right there! Get him! USA! Oh, shit. |
dropout | mary_poppins_for_adults | What do you guys want to do for lunch? I don't know. Candy?
Good morning. I'm the new nanny. Mary Poppins, UK! Indeed. Now where are my charges? Duh, we're right here. I'm sorry. I thought that I would be looking after some children. Oh, I wrote that. We need help, Mary Poppins.
We're terrible at adulting. Adulting? Yeah, you know, doing grown-up stuff. Like going to the doctor, cooking, paying taxes.
Cars. Cars? Just the concept of cars.
Right, yes, I do see that you do need my help. So, let's start with some tidying. There's cleaning to be done, but we can have some fun.
Why are you still sitting there not doing anything? Oh, we don't clean. You don't clean. No, we're grown-ups. There's no one forcing us to do mundane life things, so we don't.
How did all this fit in there? Good little girls don't go through other people's things. What a girl. If you won't clean, let's start with something else.
When was the last time any of you went to the dentist? See your dentist once a year, and you will have no fear. Where do I find a dentist?
Oh, your insurance provider should have a list of all of the... Is there a difference between a preferred provider and a participating provider? Practically perfect. Planned participants provide people plenty.
Oh, I got frustrated and started watching fails. Well, did you at least eat anything today? I had, um, three cookies? I had a flavored condom. I had grants leftovers.
Okay, so why don't I teach you all how to make yourselves a balanced dinner? A simple cup of rice. What are you looking for now? I'm looking to see if there's, like, cereal or something I can eat instead of cooking. Like a think-then?
Making cereal doesn't count as cooking. Cooking is boring! Lots of adult things are boring.
You do them anyway. I mean, you don't enjoy paying your power bill, do you? You do pay your power bill, don't you?
L-A-D-W-P. It powers you and me. Hello! I'm making all of these up on the spot. It's quite impressive.
You can't swing into a river on a rope. No way. It never works.
What is wrong with you? Well... Mary Poppins, you know we... lack accountability when you grow up...
Ollie, get out of my bag! There's someone in here! I made that. This is what I like. |
cracked | 3_commercials_that_prove_the_nfl_lost_its_mind | Hey everyone, welcome to another episode of Cracked Responds. We wanted to talk about a couple of commercials we've been watching during football games. Football! If you watch football, you see this like six times a day. Every week. Basically we don't have enough reasons to be mad at football, so here's three more. This Jack in the Box commercial.
Oh yeah. Yeah.
The premise of this commercial is this jumbo breakfast platter is a better deal than the Louisiana purchase. So let's shoot the word history with a cannon. I don't like it when companies shoot cannons at my favorite things. And if you know me, I like history. This is bullshit. And if you know me, I don't think that blasting history makes you wise or in good business.
This sample breakfast, it has, I count like ten silver dollar flapjacks. I don't want to eat ten fast food pancakes. Three is the most amount of shame that I want to consume. Like you know if you're eating fast food pancakes, you're just like, in your car, hopefully nobody's seeing you, you're just like, I gotta get this done, I gotta get it done.
And also, are they like targeting specifically the region that used to be the Louisiana Purchase? Yeah. Like, we're in California, are they gonna do like a Mexican war commercial? That's a bad idea, don't do it. Yeah, if you're gonna do one like the real gold rush was oranges in California.
But not until now. Hey Southern Arizona, the Gadsden Purchase was an amazing event in history. Can you imagine? Anyway, come to Sonic.
Hawaii's bayonet constitution in 1892 was a crime against their sovereignty.
Come to Burger King. Oh boy, I like that a lot.
So the next commercial I want to talk about is Peyton Manning still having commercials, even though he literally does nothing else. His only job is to be in commercials now. And I want to talk about this specific DirecTV series.
It starts with Lionel Richie. It's smooth. It is, voiced like an angel. But like, why? Like, Lionel Richie, to my knowledge, his last moment in pop culture was a single with Shania Twain. Now his job is to play an intro for Peyton Manning anytime he goes anywhere instead of working.
The one that bothers me the most is this one with Peyton and this old man on a bench. He's like, man, I don't know what to do when I'm retired. Like, I watch DirecTV because I don't have anything else to watch. The man says, I just stare at nothing. Anyway, work as long as you can and then like disappears.
It just brings up a lot of questions. Number one, did Peyton Manning imagine this man? Is he beggar-vancing? We don't know. Number two, why is he trying to sell this old man DirecTV?
And that guy's clearly like, I don't like NFL. That's why I'm on a fucking park bench. I'm trying to get away from it.
Also, with everybody else watching football, that makes the park like really clear for you. You know? The benches are open. That is prime park time. Yeah.
Why are you trying to like hoist the NFL on a dude who like clearly found his zen? And also, they need to start putting other football players in commercials. Right now it's only Peyton Manning and Aaron Rodgers just for State Farm. I feel it's a problem of the NFL is not building narratives around like more than two white quarterbacks at a time. Yes. It was far before that, Elway before that. That's it. I have seen a commercial this year with Von Miller, with Larry Fitzgerald, and I saw one with Tyrod Taylor. I think I take back this white quarterback. No, no, no, but it is Peyton Manning has like seven commercials right now or more. I would take every single one of those commercials away from Peyton Manning, let him run for senator, whatever the fuck he's gonna do. Give all those commercials to the following players, Lady on Bell. This is gonna be like ten Steelers. It's not gonna all be Steelers. Just follow Ryan Shazier, commercial flyer. Just point that out.
Why is Rob Gronkowski not like hosting a talk show? Maybe they should bring back Wynn Ben Stein's money and just make it Gronk. Just Wynn Gronk's money.
And all he does is give money away because he can't answer any questions. Now I'm gonna spike the ball for the next 20 minutes.
Whoo!
Like just all the time. Tell me you wouldn't watch it. Tell me you wouldn't buy the jack-in-the-box that was like advertised in the middle of that fucking show. I would do that. I would be pounding pancakes just watching Gronk. It'd be amazing.
All right, moving on to the next thing. AT&T has a new product which they call Digital Life. I think the product is just Big Brother. Because it's like the ability from your phone to like lock up your home and like turn off your lights and turn off your sink apparently. So basically the premise of home alone, no longer necessary. AT&T just destroyed the premise of home alone because they can control that whole monster. Yeah, it's fine. Okay, so AT&T is commercial.
A man's out fishing with his wife.
That's not really happening. That wife never agreed to be on that boat. She was like, no, we're not going on a vacation to a boat, asshole. No. So that's number one.
Number two, he's afraid of like, oh god, did I lock up? Then he has this, this is his fear. This is his fucking real fear.
Millennials, just millennials. He calls them millennials. In a van are going to break into his fucking unattended house. Hold a concert there in which a millennial woman just sticks her head in a fridge like an animal. So this product is meant to answer that situation. Right, right. Here's what it fends me the most about as a person who's right on the cusp of millennial-dom. Millennials aren't fucking criminals. They understand what felonies are, assholes. Number two, I know AT&T is going to try to sell me a fucking cellular service later, and it's going to be directed at millennials.
You think I'm going to forget this commercial? Yeah. That just tells me the ad executives themselves are afraid of millennials. And you know what? You fucking should be because we're smart enough to remember a commercial like this and do something about it. We can make a video and send it to our millennial buddies, who are going to like, storm your fucking sales house and ransack it because we don't like your ad. We're going to eat your freezer goods face first over this. I don't know who these ad executives are, but fire all of them. I hope they're completely failing to sell their product and shame on them. Or hire us and we'll make a better commercial and we'll forget the whole thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll, we'll, we'll shell out for it, no problem.
AT&T, it's a great company. AT&T, think different, right?
That's one of the pitches. Hey everybody, thanks so much for watching our crack response about the commercials going on during the NFL games. Let us know about crazy ones you've seen.
Yeah. Are they also problematic for millennials? Yeah. Are you problematic as a millennial? Are you the one? Hey, cut out that thing you're doing. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_135_Brad_Cox | Always a big year but Australian country music's been lifting because not many other people around the world are able to get as many shows in as Australian country musicians. If you're a country musician, you're likely not playing as many shows in the city. You're certainly playing a heap in the bush which means you can tour a bit easier than someone who would be playing in the big smoke and they're certainly not doing much overseas.
All the music festivals are shut down.
One bloke that has been working is today's guest, Brad Cox, can you join us? Like a dog mate, working.
You've been doing more shows than most musicians across all genres in Australia. It's been crazy. I obviously miss my band but shit, I don't think I've had such a hectic touring schedule ever. Due to the small capacities, we're doing two, three, four shows in towns and yeah, it's been crazy. We're doing 35 shows or something on this last run.
We just pulled up. Right. That'll take you straight into Christmas. What are you looking down the barrel at?
Well, I've got this album coming out and just got a few launch shows and then honestly, mate, I'm kind of knocked off for the year which is nice. We're just trying to move up to Central Queensland and hopefully the next few months will consist of plenty of beer drinking and fishing is the plan. Now tell us a little bit about this year that was, you were kind of hitting your straps at the start of everyone. We've interviewed a lot of musicians this year who kind of like 2020, 2020 was their year and then you've been back and forth from Nashville a few times.
You've been to the States. That's not happening for a while. No, man. I was meant to spend heaps of time over in the States this year on four or five trips.
Yeah. Well, I suppose the start of the year, it was pretty disappointing because we were just like, you know, doing bigger shows and bigger tours and bigger festival slots. It was all kind of cruising on up and then I was just like a big old brick wall and don't get me wrong, it's not just my industry that's hit it hard, but yeah, I took it heaps personally. Yeah. Like this whole virus. Oh man.
I just wanted someone to blame and that's why I finally got over it after a few months because I was like, okay, well there's no one to blame. But I'll tell you what, everyone, you know, my peers started writing songs online and doing live streams and I just started smoking weed and drinking heaps of beer and playing bloody PlayStation with the shits until I kind of, as I said, kind of accepted that there was no one to blame for it and got over it and went back to work for a few months, which was probably a really good thing and after that kind of first three months or four months, I just went, righto, there's no one to blame.
Let's work with what we got and that's, yeah, started doing the songwriting on Zoom and yeah, booked the tour and obviously can't take the band, but I'll take the misses on tour and do what we can. Domestically, you know, finally. Yeah, well that's right. Now tell us, the misses, she's still got the Tama Toyota, doesn't she? She does, yeah. Yeah, so I had to give it back at a year off and then Sammy picked up the award this year and back in the star car with free fuel. It's bloody good, really. Yeah, it's good for the tour. Oh, really? Yeah, they get it for a year. Really? Yeah. They get it for a year, free fuel card courtesy of Toyota. So you guys went back to back? No, there's one year in between us. Yeah, right.
Yeah, so a fella called Bloke O'Connor won last year's Great Bloke.
Is it the same car? Nah, it's a new car. I was about to say it, that's a bit cheap. No, no, no, it's a new car.
There you go, it's got 800,000 k's on it now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and here's their Naroma Ace number. You'll need it. You'll need it by the time you get to Gympie.
Yeah, that's right. But yeah, Bloke won it last year and Sammy picked it up this year and obviously it's basically the thing is so you can get to all the festivals and all your shows easily and they've just given it to Sammy for the next 12 months too, which is bloody good of Toyota, you know, no festivals and stuff for her to kind of get in front of an audience and stuff like that, so. Sammy should be taking it personally too because this was, this is her Tamworth year, you know. Yeah, yeah, definitely. She's been really good, man.
As I said, I didn't touch a guitar for months but she was straight on the job, writing songs and going, well this sucks and with her too, with winning that thing, she's spent so much time just answering questions of people, so what's going to happen? What's going to happen? She's like, I don't know, you know, when's the bloody vaccine coming out? No one bloody knows.
No, she's been really good about it and God, she's put up with me, so she's a pretty patient lady. So when did you first start feeling like, I mean, you've done all kinds of work over the years. You're from Jindabyne originally.
I mean, that is country music kind of country. They've had snowy, you know, CMC, Rocks of Snowys and all that kind of stuff in that kind of area. Yeah. Is that the right side of the mountain, I'm thinking there or? Yeah, it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just up the road. Yeah. What kind of country is that? Can you describe it to, a lot of people in Queensland don't really understand that, you know, outside of parish is probably the buzzword there. Yeah, yeah. Well, I suppose you'd call it sub alpine country. So it's quite hilly and then not far away of the Monaro too, which I'd like into the moon. You're lucky to kind of come across a tree in the rolling hills out on the Monaro. Yeah.
Jindabyne, the snowy mountains, obviously snow, ski season, very busy for three months of the year. But I actually love the non-ski season down there.
You know, it's just a small little country town. Everyone knows everyone. It's a beautiful country, cattle and sheep.
Yeah. Are you into your snow sports, Brad? I am, mate. Yeah.
So I grew up skiing. I've skied for 25 years my whole life.
Yeah, right. I just, I actually took... That's where the cannabis comes from. Yeah.
He didn't pick that up ringing. I don't know.
There is a lot of hooter up there in those channels. Riverina Rollie. A lot of hooter up there. In the territory it's called Ganja. A bit of Yandi.
Yeah, I love skiing, man. I took my dad over to Colorado this year. He came to Nashville for a few days and then we went up to Colorado and had a ski.
Was it a bit better than Thread Bar, do you think? Yeah, it was definitely...
Over there at Steamboat? There were definitely bigger hills. No, we were not at Steamboat.
We went and skied Winter Park and Snowmass. Winter Park and Valle.
And we didn't get to Vale, but we went to Taos in New Mexico, which was really cool. I've heard that. He's always talked about skiing in Taos. I don't know where it is. Taos. Oh yeah, I've heard of that. It's in New Mexico.
But he's just always talked about it. I thought, I said, come on you old bastards. It's not talking about it.
It's been 20 years you've talked about skiing in this resort. I was like, just go. It's like a four hour drive from Denver. It's not even hard to get to. We went and did that. It was really cool. It's a good snow. I haven't skied in a few years actually. I was a bit sorry. I enjoyed the hot tub at the end of the day.
Now, then from there, how do you end up working up north? What happened there? You wrapped up school. Well, I wrapped up school and I went out to Wagga working for some mates doing harvest.
And I just had a friend or a couple of friends that had been up in the territory actually over in WA on a sheep station. I just saw one bugger and it sounds like heaps of fun. And I just, yeah, I just got a job. I rang a few mates of mates of mates and ended up with a job for a contractor out of Catherine. And I loved it. I sweat myself skinny in the first few months. You know, it's hard work. I actually rang my boss at the ski shop I worked for in Jindabyne. After about two months being up there, I said, don't get my job away.
This place sucks. I might be home in a few weeks, Amy.
But yeah, after those first kind of two months, I loved it. It was great. If I wasn't singing, I'd probably still be doing something like that. I just love the people. You can almost have a punch on with a bloke in the yards, but still sit down, have a lot of tins in the afternoon. I just, I love that. And, you know, especially contracting because you camp out so much that, you know, you're with eight or 10 blokes and girls, but you know, you live with them, you eat with them, you work with them, you shit next to them in the bush. You know, like it's just, there's something really cool about doing that with a group of people. So yeah, I loved it.
How did you get into this, uh, you became a recording artist. Did that start with campfires? Well, yeah, I suppose, I suppose it did campfires and cover gigs. And then the guys I actually worked for in the territory kind of sat me down one day and they were like, you know, you need to go and do this. Cause I was playing cover gigs at the rodeos and pubs up there as well when I could.
And they were like, you really need to go and have a crack at this. And it was kind of just a little moment that, you know, within myself, I went, well, if those people are kind of told me to do it, who have no idea about the music industry, maybe I owe it to myself to go and give it a crack. Like it wasn't really something they said, but like, you know, they kind of sat down and said, anything you need, if you need cash recording or whatever, you know, whatever you need, please ring us. Like you need to go and do this. And it was just kind of a subtle moment in myself where I went, oh shit, maybe, maybe I owe it to myself.
So I went home to Jindabon and sat in a little farm cottage at a mate's place for four months and started writing the first album. Right.
I think there's fucking no money in ringing. I'll tell you what, no money in ringing.
Well, there is until you go to town. Yeah, it is. I know, but you see, you're always like, oh, I've saved so much money. And then in you go into town and you're paying 80 bucks, you know, for cutting a piss. Yeah, yeah.
And you're not buying one of them. You go in there and buy six and you come out and you're like, that's $400. There's no taxi home either, you're staying there too. Yeah, it's fucking 40 bucks a throw. We don't send filters up here.
A whole box of tally hoes, two lighters. You're smoking bareback.
Yeah, that's exactly what it was like. What was it when you're a bit lardy day, you're a bit European, you go to the Port Royal. It's downsmoked. You get the Avanti.
So those are the ones that have got the lines on them in the paper. So yeah, they were always the fancy ones.
Pinstrop. Pinstrop, Siggy papers. And so how long after that album did Tamworth, where was Tamworth sitting in there?
Oh, that was still a few years off. I think I came home to start writing that in 2015. I won that star making in 2018. So it was still a few years off. I was still playing cover gigs and stuff, but I think 2017 I went, I went, right, no more cover gigs.
And I think the big thing for me there is I just didn't, it was ruining music for me. What was your go-to cover song, by the way? Oh, I did love Paul Kelly. I was a big Paul Kelly man out of my gravy.
That was always a go-to. Bit of Friends in Low Places, you can pull that one. Yeah, used to a bit. You got to get the people what they want. But that's exactly what I wasn't doing though.
A wedding for a cover singer is just bread and butter. Talk about the wedding tax, but people could be paying me five grand to do a solo wedding gig.
And I do it, but I just got to a point where I was like, I don't want to be here. You could be paying me all the money in the world, but I just don't want to be here. And at the end of the day, I'm not providing the service that I should be providing. And that's not fair on those people.
So I can't even write it, no more cover gigs. I went bugger, I'm going to try and sell tickets and everyone went, you're mad, blah, blah, blah. But I found the boys in the band and I kind of put them together and I was like, right, no one's making any cash for the next little while. I just need you to stick with me because this is going to be really cool. Yeah, 2017, we went out and did a tour and sold 30 tickets here and 40 tickets here and 50 tickets here. And I thought it was really good. That was probably another moment where I was like, oh, people are, you know, spending their hard-earned cash on me to hear me sing. I put a couple of singles out and whatnot. And then, yeah, that rolled into, I think we had four cover gigs at the Albert Hotel in Tamworth.
And yeah, did the Star Maker thing and she was away. Yeah. Do you feel that transition post Star Maker? I mean, everyone talks about Star Maker. Yeah, I feel like I'd feel the transition every week, every tour.
You know, thinking back then, you know, I battled with those Star Maker guys because I wanted to play ticketed shows because I said to myself, I'm not playing cover gigs anymore. And I wasn't going to go and, you know, charge someone 10 bucks to go and see us play and then the next weekend we'll free gig half an hour away. I was like, no, I'm either doing it wrong.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you got the boys to look after. Yeah, that's right. And, you know, as I said, I battled with them a bit, but they come on board and, you know, and then that tour for the first album we were doing, like, you know, 80 people and 150 people in Wurrungong that we'd never played before. And, you know, so that was a moment. And then you got, you know, you got last year, just before I signed the record, Rusty Stills, like all the 300 people. You know, so I feel like those moments, I feel like I have them every tour. It's like, oh, holy shit, this is money. This is really going well. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think probably CMC last year was a big one though. We got the late call up there and played after the headliner in the campers bar, just like a big marquee stage. But I think, you know, we started at 11 and it was fucking packed. And like there was probably five and a half thousand people in there and all of a sudden all of them are singing my song that I wrote at that little cottage.
And that was probably a big moment when I was like, oh shit, this is cool. And it was kind of that feeling. I was like, oh, this is the drug. This is the addiction. That's what I want to feel every time. Start thinking maybe I could do a few little side shows in Brisbane.
Yeah, that's right. That's exactly right.
So can you tell us, you know, when a young country music singer finally decides to go over to Nashville, you know, because everyone always makes their first trip over there. My first trip was ages ago, not that long ago, six years ago, I suppose.
I was 19. Obviously you're not supposed to drink in America when you're 19, but by God I did.
Hope you didn't. Do they have the ID scanners at the dive bars in Nashville? No.
It was on a family holiday in Colorado. I was skiing and I decided that I was going to go down to Nashville for 10 days or something. And just booked in a little backpackers, the backpackers and I kid you not, I just drank myself around that city for 10 days. I was getting over at four and getting up at 11 and going back to the bar. And that was one thing I found when I was first in Nashville. I was staying right downtown.
I was like, there's no cafes in this town. So I'd walk around for an hour trying to find someone to have breakfast and go, fuck it, I'll go and have another beer and some chicken wings at the bar because that's all that's down there is bars. You know, since then I've found the breakfast spots, but from that time that was a hectic trip. Now you're staying in hotels that do breakfast.
So for me, the first two or three trips were just drinking my way around the city and I wasn't even trying to write songs. I wrote some songs by myself. It's a good town for beer drinking.
Fucking nationalism.
But I just kind of cruised around and took it all in. And then it wasn't till that star may have paid for a trip over there. And I think I took Joe Mungovan, who's a good buddy of mine. He's actually got five cuts on this new record. We wrote a song on the Friday and I was flying to Nashville on Sunday and I said to him on the Friday, I was like, fuck it, come with me. I was like, I'll buy you a ticket, pay me back half when you get a chance. I was like, cause you know, like part of this deal is like, the accommodation's sorted, like it's all good. And I had sleep on the floor. I bought a ticket as part of that competition. I was like, dude, I'll just book our halves. Let's do it. I went home, I went straight home and booked him a ticket.
He never said yes.
He rings me on Saturday, midday and he goes, I was thinking I might come. I was like, good, cause I already got your visa. We're at the airport at eight, homie. I've signed you up for an Esther. It was pretty funny cause he actually, we're on different flights. He flew in through San Fran and I went through LA and I get to Nashville and Joe didn't turn up. I was like, oh no, here we go. He got to San Francisco and I'm sure he's been to the States, but you know, they ask you a few questions, you know, all the immigration and stuff. They're like, so where are you staying? He goes, I don't know. Why'd you book your ticket two days ago? Cause I felt like it. And he's like, you know, you got to put a contact in America. I put one of my dad's mates.
He's like, who's this Dennis in Colorado? He's like, I don't know. I never heard of him.
Long haired beard fellas sitting in San Francisco going, I don't know why I'm here. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know where I'm staying. I think my flight out's in a week or so.
Eventually they let him in. I was like, sorry dude. I don't even think about telling you. He's probably lucky he came through San Fran. You know, they're just like, you know what? They would have taken a gamble more so than some LA action hero. I think he was in the airport for like nine hours or something while I was interrogating him. It was probably all my fault because I never told him anything. And he could have just said, I'm going down there to record some music for the, uh, you know, you don't know what the right answer is.
I've heard a good one is I'm here to see the wrestling. The wrestling?
Yeah. Cause all the, all the, all the, um, immigration types of, you know, the mad, stone cold, stunner kind of, kind of blokes and it's always on in every city. Yeah. That's pretty good. I'll remember that as I've got a guitar.
I'm definitely not here to work.
Well, how many times would have you done that in the last couple of years back and forth from the States? Well that with Joe was my third time over there and we actually wrote some songs that time. And then I've been twice since, and that was, uh, November and February. And then obviously since, um, Simon record deal with Sony and it was just a totally different experience.
It was like, I go here for 10 days, you've got three appointments a day, get pissed with whoever you need to get pissed with tonight and back into the meetings and the showcases and the song writes. And which is really cool because you know, now I'm, I'm not just flying a natural going, I hope I can write some songs with someone. It's like, no, no, three o'clock on Tuesday, you're writing with this person. 9am on Wednesday, you're writing with this person.
And how was some of the talent you came across over there? Dude, it's insane. You feel like a little fish in a big ocean over there, that's for sure.
Especially probably cause I've never played a show.
It's like, you know, I might just, you know, the songs, writing songs over there is great and getting great songs, but it's almost, and I'm going to go and do it, but it's like, I'm going to put on a show. We're going to go and play to 800 people at Tamworth country music festival, 600 people in Canberra. And it's just, it's going to, we're going to go over there and play a gig and there'll be 25 people there.
You know what I mean? Which is cool. You know, and I'm not, I'm not discounting that step, but it's like, wow, this is a, I've got to be ready for this cause I can just see how it'd be so easy to go, you know, Australia, we're killing it. This is great and go almost back to square one, but there's no other way to do it. So I'm buddy, I'm prepared. Would you ever do the full Keith and move over there? You know what? Ideally. Rock Hampton first mate. I've got a long term plan because the fact of the matter is I'm very Australian and I do love Australia.
And even just going to the pub for a beer is just such a different experience. And your cafes too, obviously. Yeah, you love them too. Yeah, that's right. And it's just such a different culture and I think it's great, but I love coming home. It's a whole, it feels like you're on a holiday.
It does.
You know, like long term plan is to move over there for four or five years and have a good crack. And then ideally it's like, I'll just do the summer here and play all the festivals and fishing on the reef and then do the summer over there.
So is Keith, is Keith back here now? Oh Christ only knows. I think he's been back for, he spends a lot of time here now, but there was, he went, he went full hog. He probably went COVID.
Manly beach. Thank you. Yeah.
He moved over there full time ages ago. He obviously has worked out for him.
Have you met any blokes along the way that you kind of, you know, you have any of those moments? Not like big, big stars. And I don't like, I don't really get like that. But it was weird. I was at a party in Nashville after an award show. I think it was a booking agent party or something. And it was just, they weren't like the star stars, but they were like the guys on the radio. Like Hardy and stuff like that kind of tier, if you call it that. And it was probably 25 of those kind of guys in this party.
And that was kind of a, like, I felt uncomfortable. I don't feel uncomfortable very often, but I was like, yeah, I just don't know if this is my scene.
Don't get me wrong, it was fun. I was like, that was like, oh shit, there's all these people that, you know, I'm going to go over here and smoke hives of sickies. Yeah, it was pretty much like that. I was like, thank God there's a terrace. But like don't get me wrong, I met a heap of them. They're all cool. They're all normal people. But yeah, it was like, I don't know if this is my thing. The fact that everyone here is, has the same job is weird. You don't want to be at a party where everyone has the same job. Yeah, I suppose it was a bit like that. Definitely. It was just a bunch of people that are like a follow on Instagram, shit like that. And I was like, oh, now I'm at the party.
And I don't know if I belong here. What did you grow up with? I mean, there's a little bit of townie in you, so I'm guessing there's a little bit of, Rage Against the Machine Limp Bizkit even as a young wallet chain youth.
Shania Twain. Garth Brooks.
And the Commitment soundtrack. Alright, that's a bit of range. I can hear that a bit.
I'm a huge Joe Golgo fan. Someone asked me today, who do you wish you could sing with? I was like, Joe Golgo, but he's heaps dead.
It's not going to happen. Heaps dead. Yeah, he's about as dead as they come. Poor old bastard, rest his cell.
But he lived. He did.
But yes, I'm a huge Joe Golgo fan.
And then I didn't really find country music until I was like 14, 15. Started hanging out with a few mates that grew up on little places and ride dirt blocks.
What was the gateway you reckon? Music wise? Yeah, who was the first song you went with?
I think Jason Aldean was a big part of it. Because he's like, he's been, you know, he's very country and very, you know, successful. But I think he's been such a guitar band and such a heavy guitar band and guitar riffs. And I think that was like, oh, you know, that's like, that's a rock country band, not country rock, but like, you know, those guitar tones and riffs are rock music.
And I kind of like, I was like, Oh, this is, this is pretty cool. I could do this.
You're now at the point where you, you've got young blokes who are obviously meeting you. I mean, it's probably be hard now touring in COVID. You know, having too many people on the bill, you know, not, not necessarily one man shows, but it's getting a bit like that now.
Definitely. How are you finding with your own base, with your own crowd following you? Oh, it's pretty weird. Yeah. But also I think people get weirded out, you know, for a show I'll just be sitting outside having a smoke. Holy shit. I don't know. You know, they just get, they just get all weird about, you know, I'll write songs, I'm here to play them. Yeah. I'm still going to go out and have a cup of tins and a smoke before the gig, you know. You don't have to impress me off the bat. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's right.
They come up, they shoot their shot and they say something pretty, pretty nervous. I think, you know, in a world of Instagram, social media, imagine someone that's all they see. People probably assume that I fucking fly around in bloody jets and shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I drove a bloody 1991 Ford Falcon fucking station wagon until last year. Yeah. You know what I mean? Then I walked for a thousand bucks. Yeah, yeah. And I loved it. Yeah. And now you're just in the misses car. Yeah, that's right.
Poaching of it. So you've been all over the country. You've had a beer in a lot of different pubs. I have. Which pub do you reckon is your favourite? Oh, that is a tough question. I've been down near Mission Beach. Way up.
Called Ella Rish. Ever heard of bloody Ella Rish Hotel?
No.
I only had one beer there, but it was one of those pubs you sit in. Yeah, we went in there at lunchtime. I was like, ooh, I can sit here for a few hours.
Yeah, all up here. But you know, there's so many. Yeah, it was Ella Rish. There's so many different pubs like that. They just had heaps of cool old photos and, you know, hogs that were taxidermied. Yeah. You know, a bit like Daily Waters. It was just shit all over the place. It was just, I don't know, it was like one of those pubs where I was like, oh, yeah, I could settle in very young and feel the old bar flies in this place. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, where would you find, I mean, obviously, as you said, Rocks of Snowy, Rocks of Hunter. CMC usually knew how to find them, you know, where the country music fans are. Have there been any surprises in Australia? Because you've been to a lot of towns.
Dude, Canberra. Yeah, Canberra.
We had Christmas last year, and they upped the capacity, and I think we had like 700 people at the show. Yeah, right. Until then, look, that was our biggest ticketed attendance at a gig. And for some reason, they just, Canberra, they fucking, they love it. Yeah. Well, I suppose it is. I knew the hometown boy down there. Well, yeah, that helps a bit, but you know, even looking out in the crowd, like, you know, out of 700 people, probably 30 of them. Yeah. But it was great. We've played at a little festival, Rose Cottage in Canberra. That was sick. And then we just did three acoustic shows, 220 people all sold out. Yeah. And I suppose the venue we've played down there, the basement, it's called, it's like a, traditionally, I think, a bit of a metal venue, but it's just a great setup. They've got guitars all over the roof, good sound, good backstage area. You know, it just feels like a good venue, and the motherfuckers just turn up. Yeah.
I mean, everyone kind of looks at Canberra as this sterile kind of like a Truman show. And, you know, because of all the, a lot of people move there for work and that kind of stuff. But when you scrape the surface on Canberra, you've got summer gnats, you know, you've got the Raiders, the Brumbies, you've got this town that kind of lives in the middle of all that. Yeah, I suppose if it's not public servant, it's very blue collar at the same time.
Yeah, fireworks and porno, mate. Yeah.
And I think, I think too, they, you know, people from outside of Canberra, you know, Canberra for Jindabyne is the closest town. If you want to go to fucking Bunnings, you've got to go to Canberra, and that's two hours away. And I think that's kind of a big radius around Canberra. So people are able to travel because it's a big hub. Yeah, I love playing down there.
I hate the town.
Yeah. It's colder than Jindabyne, that place. We used to play footy there. I got on the bus at six in Jindabyne, we were playing a nine o'clock game in Canberra in the middle of winter. Yeah. You put your jumpers on going into Canberra, not in Jindabyne.
Yeah, it's a bit of a walk, isn't it? A walk, that's good.
Lismore's the same. You get Lismore in the middle of winter or in the middle of summer. It's remarkably different to the towns around there.
Yeah, definitely. What kind of genres, you know, you said you grew up on different kinds of stuff, but you know, contemporaries. I mean, you're now with a label. There's a lot of other artists of all shapes and sizes alongside you. Is there anything else that kind of catches your eye in terms of diverse kind of palette? Like away from country music? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Not so much in music, but I kind of study alternative rock bands, more so for their live show. I think that's one reason why I've had the success I have in the last couple of years. Going to those gigs and watching how the crowds are reacting, how sweaty it is and how low the roofs are and them carrying on on stage. I think that's what made me put the band together that I did, because I was like, I crave that at a live show and it just doesn't seem to happen at country music shows.
So that's probably... Because you've got these big outdoor auditoriums with the roofs that high up. Yeah, yeah. And I think that's probably a big one for me.
I think within country music there's so much diversity genre-wise and I tend to listen to a long way away from commercial country. Like I still love pop country and country rock and the hits and whatever, but you know there's like Sturgill Simpson who's got a four piece horn section on his themed record that's a letter to his son. Like the whole record and there's hardly, I think in the whole record there's two dead spots where every song ties in, crossfades into the next song and Tyler Childers is the same. For me that's a lot of, you know, I play commercial country, that's what I do. I do country rock or whatever you want to call it, commercial country. But that's what I listen to and that's where I kind of draw my shit from. Is listening to those guys and then going, well I play commercial country but I want to be influenced by the weirder side of country music, if that makes sense.
Yeah, and it can get weird. Definitely. Especially in the States. It just kind of falls down to the bottom of the boot in New Orleans, doesn't it? Yeah. It pours itself down the map. Heaps of cowpunk down the bottom of stuff like that. Yeah, if you want to go far enough you'll probably start questioning your consciousness.
Just listen to the bloody country music. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw a bit of trail bike rap the other day. Oh, sick. A bit of hick hop. Well, I guess Australians were pioneers with that. That early days of Aussie hip hop was just, you know, those guys could have pulled out a guitar and they would have sounded like... Dude, they probably would have for sure. Yeah. It's almost like Bogan's kind of hip hop.
You put a guitar in front of them. You got that in any kind of town. We were talking the other day about those kind of Celtic festivals they have in different towns around Australia. You've got the generations of bagpipe players who are basically, by day, country music cover guys and then one weekend a year they get the bagpipe out for nan and you just see that kilt and then the big pair of etnies at the bottom.
Every town's the same. Oh, yeah. They're all over, aren't they? I'm never going to look at those signs on the side of the road in a country town saying Highland Festival the same ever again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's for local boys. Big Southern crosstalk.
Kilt. Kilt and a bluey or something.
Well, thanks for joining us, mate. Had a good yarn. It's great to hear how things are going. Good to see that some people are still working. Yeah.
I feel really lucky. As I said, I miss the band. I feel not guilty because anyone would have done it, but my tour manager, he's a champion, but he's driving delivery for Coles. He's always delivering flowers and making coffee. I'm out there playing music, but there's no other way to do it. I feel really lucky at the same time.
It's been kind of cool. People probably wouldn't have heard of Brad Cox's acoustic show for the next five years, probably.
Hey mate, a vaccine could be here any day. You could be bloody South by Southwest next year if everything goes to plan. We'll see. I'm hanging out for it. As soon as that comes out, fucking jab me quick. Finally lasts another ten years and I give a fuck. Then go on to Perth next year, I'll tell you what.
Yeah, they're not going to let you in over there, are they? Nah, nah, nah. You don't even have to quarantine when you land in LA. Just say, all right, mate, jump in a cab. Just don't cough on anyone for two weeks, mate, you'll be all right.
Well, mate, thanks for joining us. We're the great yarn. Thanks, pal. We'll do it again soon. Yeah, we'll be listening in. |
dropout | overheard_at_real_steel | I'm just excited to see Hugh Jackman. I love Australian actors. He uses his American accent.
No!
They want Hugh Jackman to punch a cow with his robot? Not gonna punch a cow. Come on Hugh.
Tell him you're not gonna do it. Tell him you're not gonna do that.
Is it an innocent... Oh my god. He did it. He punched a cow with his robot. I can't believe it. That's something we have to live with now. It's human. He punched a cow with his robot. That's something we have to live with now. It's human.
Do you think I could pull off an ascot like that rich husband? No. No! I've actually thought about this and no. Okay, making a little boy wear a white beater. That's creepy, right?
No doubt.
I think it actually has lots of its own. Oh what, the robot that the kid found? The gargantuan vein in Hugh Jackman's arm. Huh. Yeah, you know it is. It's oddly... oddly sentient. Sick.
All these people have like ugly mohawks and they scream at each other in an abandoned zoo. It's like a Mad Max post-apocalyptic future. No, I think it's the normal future. Those are just meth heads.
Ah, gotcha. Hey, Jackman's son is teaching his robot how to dance. Badly. Ooh, I wonder who's going to play the evil robot trainer.
If you take away the CGI robots following his cues, Hugh Jackman just looks like he lost his mind. I'm not sure you need to take away the robots for that, am I right? Oh! I'm no boxing expert, but it seems like Hugh Jackman would have an easier time winning if he wasn't always casually talking to his son during the match. This is robot boxing. How does that make a difference? I know what's going to happen. The robot's going to come in and save Hugh Jackman and his son from the evil cowboy and his goons, obviously.
Oh, now they're beating up Hugh Jackman. Okay, now they're beating up his son.
And they're getting away. And the kid's crying.
And that's it. Okay, I get it now. Your father won't love you until you take an interest in his job. That's not it. You have to be successful too.
This picture blows. Look at those dumb robots being controlled by stupid Hugh Jackman with those lame biceps bursting out of his idiotic threadbare t-shirt like just these enormous fleshy, humongous sequoia trees. I'm lost in this stupid smile. This movie's full of twenty foot boxing robots, and the most unrealistic thing about it is still the Microsoft Bing Stadium. I use Bing. I'm messing with you guys. Come on, Adam. I love your smile, Hugh.
Okay, so the bad guy wins the climactic fight by decision. How is this any different from the end of Rocky? The part in five minutes when I ask for my money back. And so Wolverine finally saved the little boy from Metal Man. I have been playing Fruit Ninja for the last two and a half hours. |
ClickHole | protect_kids_from_bug_eyed_pedophiles_by_disguising_them_as_senior_citizens_with_the_safelad_kit | I've talked about this on the show before, but for those of you who don't know, my son Egbert is unfortunately very sexy. Sadly, this means he is almost ten times more vulnerable to pedophile attacks than the average child. If you are also the parent of a sexy child, then you absolutely need the Patriot Hole Safe Lad Kit. This state-of-the-art child security kit gives you the professional-grade special effects makeup you need to disguise your child as a senior citizen in order to protect them from bug-eyed pedophiles. I use it on my son Egbert, and it's so simple and effective. Come on out, son. It takes me just under three hours to apply the Safe Lad Latex makeup to Egbert, and it keeps him safe all day long. I mean, look at how old he looks. No pedophile would want anything to do with him. As you can see, the kit comes with baggy old person clothes, and Egbert, show him your voice box. The Safe Lad voice box pitches your child's voice five octaves deeper to mask their age.
Say hello, son. Hello. Nice work. The voice box is also preloaded with security phrases that automatically play when nearby motion is detected. Let's see this thing in action.
All of my grandchildren are divorced. Absolutely incredible.
When pedophiles see my son, they don't go after him because they think he is elderly. That's the power and protection of the Safe Lad kit, and frankly, you're an irresponsible parent if you don't order one for your child right now. |
cracked | why_superhero_stories_don_t_need_a_villain_antiheroes_episode_5 | Previously on antihero these powers are dangerous We can't use them to be heroes Tim wanted to be a hero, but he died Traveling through time if you're in serious trouble Call us not much else you need to know The city is dying shadow of itself How can a shadow die? One week ago my friends developed incredible superpowers, but they squander their abilities heat up a pizza Folk chips in from the kitchen, mostly just stuff with food Someone needs to take a stand someone needs to fight someone the hell are you doing man?
I'm looking for crimes Looking for crimes. I didn't see anything.
He just thinks that it looks cool.
What if there is a crime What are you gonna do about it from up there? There's a crime down there. Yeah. Yeah, there's crime You should come down take out the crime guys. I'm on it the city cries out for a city Help it screams. I'm being hurt by these crime guys. Well the saviors aren't its way Sorry, I had to take the stairs where's the crime Kim if a crime were to happen I assure you that it would be resolved long before you made it down here.
Yeah, man. Don't do this We could get found out you could get hurt Hey, where's your hat? right here I Better off just calling the police actually. Yeah, I know you should do that now Maybe we could be a superhero team that just dials 911 for people You know, they talk about him on the news now. He calls himself help man.
You know, I watch the news now No He knows what happened to Tim What? What happens? Hi, Tim. Also, when when when am I exactly?
Hi, Tim See the guy that uses his powers to cool down soup never ends up with nosebleeds are dead in time. I saved her but I He the mugger he's he's he's not dead. He can't be dead. I couldn't stop you can't treat people like that Tim We can save him we can save the day in use your hate power to disinfect the wounds Hector use your ice power to ice the other Wounds and Mel use your telepathy to try to keep them conscious.
Come on team. Here we go Hey, here we go Call it He's being pretty embarrassing dial 732 times He'll be fine. It's a mild chrono displacement.
We'll take him in for some tests and have him back to you and know time Um, there was a mugger over there what happened person is dead No, no, I'm not kidding you I'm not joking nor goofing is that what you think your gifts are goofs gifts I took a life I Saved a life. That's serious. This is serious Seriously cool you guys come on we could be superheroes, huh? All right, let's go team Tim you did good old friends By saving my life moments ago You helped me to harness my power and become the hero.
I knew I couldn't be What in the future? not 10 years from now The city is torn down by chaos Chaos caused by you for But we're heroes you try to be Yes You're not very good. The city hates you you break things They put you in jail You die In jail in a fire that you cause in jail It's very sad the city burns Okay, so we just won't do that. Yeah That's why I'm Yeah, listen just keep to yourselves and try not to do anything Row I Will go back to my time and do what I can from then But if we don't do the things that we did to make you come here, then your timeline no longer exists God damn it Ken.
What I didn't know that Bye future version of our dear acquaintance Tim. Oh god Tim.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's all right.
Just please Save the city Do nothing help No Okay, this will make you happy It's been several weeks since the devastating attack by the notorious Dead Missile and the city is finally beginning to recover Dead missiles elaborate series of puzzles and bombs have left the city in complete darkness I'm here with the last remaining power plant which begins quantum upgrades tomorrow to power the entire city We'll be right back And a small con at b1 CEO BG 2 will pass by tonight coming closer to earth than the moon's orbit Okay team gather round. Are you really trying to get us excited about calling people for money? They don't have if you phrase it differently than that. Then yes, if you want to smoke go behind the electro nuclear plant next door.
I Feel like if I'm nice they walk all over me, you know, yeah Yeah Alright assholes.
Listen up We just got superpowers me too for sure Where's the crime Kim if a crime were to happen I assure you that it would be resolved long before you made it down here. Yeah, man. Don't do this We could get found out you could get hurt Hey, where's your hat? right here They better off just calling the police actually, yeah, I know you should do that now Maybe we could be a superhero team that just dials 911 for people You know, they talk about him on the news now. He calls himself help man.
You know, I watch the news now No He knows what happened to Tim What? What happens? Hi Tim. Also, when when am I exactly?
Hi, Tim See the guy that uses his powers to cool down soup never ends up with nosebleeds are dead in time I saved her but I He the mugger he's he's he's not dead. He can't be dead. I couldn't stop you can't treat people like that Tim We can save him we can save the day in you use your hate power to disinfect the wounds Hector Use your ice power to ice the other wounds and Mel use your telepathy to try to keep them conscious.
Come on team. Here we go Hey, here we go She called it He's being pretty embarrassing dial 732 times It'll be fine some mild chrono displacement. We'll take him in for some tests and have him back to you in no time Um, there was a mugger over there.
What happened person is dead I Know no, I'm not kidding you. I'm not joking nor goofing. Is that what you think your gifts are goofs gifts.
I took a life. I Saved a life.
That's serious. This is serious Seriously cool.
You guys come on. We could be superheroes, huh? All right, let's go team You did good old friends By saving my life moments ago You helped me to harness my power and become the hero.
I knew I couldn't be What in the future? not 10 years from now The city is torn down by chaos Chaos caused by you for But we're heroes you try to be Yes You're not very good. The city hates you you break things They put you in jail You die In jail in a fire that you cause in jail It's very sad The city burns Okay, so we just won't do that yeah That's why I'm Yeah, listen just keep to yourselves and try not to do anything I will go back to my time and do what I can from then But if we don't do the things that we did to make you come here, then your timeline no longer exists God damn it.
Yeah, what I didn't know that Bye future version of our dear acquaintance Tim. Oh God Tim.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's all right.
Just please Save the city Do nothing help No Hey Okay, this will make you happy Next season on the internet It's been several weeks since the devastating attack by the notorious Dead Missile and the city is finally beginning to recover A Dead Missus elaborate series of puzzles and bombs have left the city in complete darkness I'm here with the last remaining power plant which begins quantum upgrades tomorrow to power the entire city Tim Um We'll be right back And a small comet B1 CEO BG2 will pass by tonight coming closer to earth than the moon's orbit Okay team gather round. Are you really trying to get us excited about calling people for money? They don't have if you phrase it differently than that. Then yes, if you want to smoke go behind the electro nuclear plant next door I feel like if I'm nice they walk all over me, you know, yeah All right, asshole, so listen up We just got superpowers me too for sure |
dropout | the_sex_talk_is_trickier_than_it_looks | Hey, Jenny, he's about to order a pizza. Dad, get out! I'm embracing my curves! Okay, clearly I've put this off too long. And your brother's gonna want to hear this too. Benny! Is Jenny in trouble? Shut up, Benny. Yeah, cut the crap. Go over there and sit down. Come on.
All right, twins, you're 13 now, so you're probably a little curious about sex. Ew, Dad. It's important peanut sex is dangerous. You mess up one time and you're pregnant forever. That's why it's important to wait until you're married.
Next spot. Okay. As for Benny, go out and get him, boy. Wow. Um, this is so unfair. We're the same age. Where's my condom? Sex isn't fair, popsicle. If you mess around, you're gonna get a reputation.
And Benny won't? Oh, Benny will.
That's the coolest kid in the school. This rules. This sucks!
And now I'm doing you a favor. You're probably not gonna like it anyways. Oh, really? No, you're gonna like it a lot. You're not gonna be able to stop. You're gonna be like a dog in a room full of corduroy pants. As for Jenny... Mmm, boys, you're eight.
They don't really know what a clitoris is. What's a clitoris?
It's a fudge word for soup. Don't worry about it. So I'm not allowed to do anything, but Benny can do whatever he wants? Yeah, as long as he throws a bag on it. Go get him, sport.
What if I have sex with a guy? Do I still need to use a condom?
Yep. STDs, stuff like that. You're not really into fellas, though, per se. I don't know. Kind of. Yeah. Neither one of you is having sex. Great.
So now you're sexist and homophobic? Give me a break, will you? Things aren't the way they used to be.
They didn't used to have gay people? Yes, we had gay people, but they were quieter.
Wow. Don't wow me. I'm a baby boomer. I'm afraid. All right, clearly I need to do some more research, and we'll start this again. Quick question.
Do I just flip open the laptop and say Google and it knows what I want? Or is there like a Google button on the keyboard that I push? Have you not used the Internet before?
You two are the worst. |
dropout | mall_store_bailout | Mr. Treasurer, our economy is crumbling. We have to start thinking about those companies that matter most to the American people. But we've already allocated billions to AIG, Bear Stearns, and Citibank.
Wrong. I'm talking about my store, Brookstone. That weird store from the mall?
Dude, those are pretty sweet, bro. Your piercings at Claire's are down 70 percent. And you don't even want to know about the cush overheads. This is no time for glitter. All right, on behalf of Abercrombie and Aeropostale and American Eagle, I think that the Treasury should average the numbers.
Sir, are you okay? I can't concentrate with my shirt on.
Listen, I know things are bogus right now, but I've got a solution. You give Pacific Sunwear 4.8 billion clams, we head down to Cabo San Lucas with a bucket full of coronas. Oh, great. Now how is that supposed to help the economy? Economy?
Need I remind you, Dippin' Dots has harnessed ice cream into ball form. With further research, who knows what shapes we could harness ice cream into. Squares, cubes, dropper.
Look at the window. Don't you giant stop me. All of a sudden, this country's too good for Spencer's gifts? Well, a world without inflatable furniture isn't the world for me. Go ahead and jump. No one likes you anyway. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't know why you pansies do things over at the Hot Topic, but here at Lid's, we don't condone suicide unless you're the Yankees fan. Hello? Can we concentrate on meat for a second? I'm suicidal.
All is not lost for Spencer's, nor for any of us. Brothers of FYE, I see in your eyes the same... Stop courting Lord of the Rings. This is serious. He's right. We all know what happened to Tower Records. Spencer's, wait.
Electric sweatpants. Really? I guarantee it. You're right. I have a feeling everything's gonna be just fine. Mmm, what's that smell?
Come and get your pretzels. They're NTN's pretzels. Man, I'm sorry. I gotta get me one of them pretzels. |
TheOnion | John_Travolta_Olivia_Newton_John_Christmas_Album_Plunges_Nation_Into_Double_Dip_Recession | Amid the catastrophic economic crisis spurred by Tuesday's release of This Christmas, the new holiday-themed album by John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John, economic experts told reporters today the Christmas CD has quickly plunged the nation into a double-dip recession. When investors learned that one-time screen couple John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John had reunited after 35 years for an album of timeless Christmas classics, investors had no choice but to pull money from markets immediately. We were already on shaky ground with the collapse of the U.S. subprime mortgage market and the reversal financial crisis in Europe, but consumer confidence plummeted after Americans saw the new album with a picture of Travolta and Olivia Newton-John holding cups of hot cocoa. Market forecasters predict that the album, which features the former Greece co-stars singing together on 13 tracks with a myriad of special guests including Tony Bennett, Barbra Streisand and Kenny G, will have a devastating ripple effect on the world economy in coming months. We believe that when other countries find out the album features a Christmas song that pays tribute to summer nights, we could be looking at a global contagion.
It's almost inevitable. This is the blackest day on Wall Street in two decades. Keep checking TheOnion.com for more as this story develops. |
dropout | full_benefits_the_party | One more time? What?
No, we're already like 20 minutes late for work. Oh, come on, it'll just take me like five more minutes. Wow, be still my heart.
Yo! Hey! Where is your dude? What dude?
The overweight smoker with the mutton chops. Yeah, him. Oh, he got sick. His mom died whenever. Oh, double whamsies.
God, are you okay? Yeah, have you seen David?
Uh, no. Why? No reason. Pat wanted to know. No, I didn't.
Hey, guys. Hey. This is my date, Renee, and Renee, these are my co-workers. Hi, Renee. David's date. It's so nice to meet you.
I didn't know we were doing dates. Did you guys bring dates? I know I don't have a date, so that's weird.
That's so Dave of you, though. Davey. Anyone else want to dance? Me. Sorry about that. Her boyfriend's really sick, so... Oh. Yeah.
He's like, I don't even know why I care, you know, Javier? We said we weren't going to get serious, so... He's just here with another girl, and it feels weird.
I don't like it. Of course. Sorry. Did you please shut up?
So what do you think of my friends so far? Oh, they seemed nice. Dan's a little odd. I was raised on a duck farm! Oh, and I think your friend Sarah totally has a crush on you. No. Who are those friends? I'm serious. Did you see the way she shook my hand for like five minutes? She's so jealous.
Yeah, she's cute. Cute.
I mean, whatever you said, I agree with. Okay, I can't help but feel like you're not really listening to me. You know, communication and respect are the building blocks of any solid relationship.
Sarah, can we talk for a second? Sarah! Oh, David! Hi!
Wanna get some fresh air? Mmm, okay. Okay, let's go. Mmm, air! Did I wish you could just eat air? Not really. Okay. Listen, we should talk.
Wait, I'm mad at you! Ow!
I'm sorry, but you brought a girl here and then it made me get drunk and she sucks. I brought her here for us. Okay, I'm not having a threesome with you. Definitely not with someone skinnier than me. No, I brought her because I thought it would help keep this a secret like you wanted.
Okay. Okay, that was nice of you. Good job. Thank you. I like you. I like you, too. Okay. That's what I wanted to talk to you about. I just, I like you more than a friend. I know. That's why we're fucking. Yes. You're just, you're cool. You're cool. Thank you. You're welcome. I'm glad we're doing this. I'm glad to.
Maybe we could take this to the next look. Don't worry about it, man. Hotter fish in the sea. Hey, I'm sorry about your mom. Who the fuck are you guys? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_178_Brendan_Cowell_Part_2 | This week we are going straight into part two of the Brendan Cowell interview. We had such a great yarn with Brendan, we couldn't chop it down short enough. So we've done a two parter with him. This week we spoke about the life and times of the career from being an Australian soap opera star into a writer into I guess you'd say a Hollywood superstar working with James Cameron and this week we're kind of talking about his journey in London living in Notting Hill when he actually got the role that made him quite famous overseas in Game of Thrones and you know how he celebrated that famous 2017 Cronulla Sharks grand final while living in England where not many other people could understand how excited he was and then of course going into last year where he actually caught coronavirus and what you know he explains is a very very dark time in his life and his recovery from that and his journey back to the top his glow up if you will thank you for tuning in this is Brendan Cowell part two. What's it like there now because I mean I guess when you work with Australians they know who you are and then but do you also when you get like working in different countries and you get a gig like that where they filming in New Zealand or filming in England or filming in America do you feel like you're starting your career all again as a as a as a kind of you know now you're an outsider you're basically starting from scratch in another kind of industry and another kind of I guess that was definitely the move to London yeah you know is that I felt a bit like a big fish in a small pond and especially with my partying and Ruben and everything I started you know a few things that happened in the media and I suddenly kind of when you know I could always come back to Australia with my tail between my legs I'm gonna go and have a crack and the great thing was I could reinvent my personality over there as well and go who do you want to be mate and who are you and and over there so accepting over there every culture is there every walk of life is on every in every tube cage yeah and in the plays I do they it wasn't diversity casting it's just the best actors were from you know Brazil and and Africa and Scotland yes and it was just wonderful to get on stage with people from all around the world and the best actors from all around the world and it blew my mind and I had to start again and I re-established a passion for acting over there because I was starting to make films and and I went over there and I went I want to see how good I can be again and that's I want to test it again not many people do that once they've crossed that bridge like you I mean you did you did the screen adaption of the slap yeah that's what taught me to London first yeah slap was huger over there right then it was here cuz it played with class yeah yeah and everything in Britain's gotta be about class doesn't matter what yeah yeah murder drama or anything you're making it has to be about the class system and and that was about you know the poor artists not having the lawyers to match the the rich great guy yeah you know what I mean and they just loved that yeah and the fact that I wrote the Harry episode which was Alex Dimitrios his character who slaps the kid they're like you wrote that out you know we loved that and that got nominated and stuff so that was my entry into London yeah and that's why I went over to kind of follow that TV writing thing yeah that fell to the sogs I didn't stop acting for five years it went bananas but once people get that director write a credit they don't tend to go back and you're like drawn back into it yeah yeah and I loved it and and you know the it's just wide-open over there the jobs that come in that then do come in here and yeah and that's not a criticism either culture was just kind of amazing for me but also when I've been there as a playwright you know often the reviews of my plays would start with as far as Aussie playwrights go very you know the Antipodean yeah the Antipodean play if that is even a thing this playwright attempts to talk about sibling rivalry and fails you know and it had that like why are you even here home and away boy you know and whereas this time I went over I don't know what it was yeah people like come in get on stage play Galileo yeah and no one in the reviews of Galileo mentioned I was Australian yeah you know nor in Yerma you know and and it was just it was like what's happened here yeah and suddenly I think was London I was just London became a world city and and there was you know there's still the Australian jokes you know and and you still get run down on every set but that's just friendly fire you know yeah and you can fire it back over there and that's what's really great Americans is like what's wrong with you yeah this guy's such an asshole Americans more like why are you being so mean to your friend yes it's like no laughing they're so sarcastic he said he loved my shirt I mean what do they think of have Americans taken on your show where do they connect with the town no we went over there and met Will Ferrell and and John C Riley and we did a bit of a junket thing with them and all they could say we're like okay so the hair Queensland why didn't you tell me I did two movies in Queensland I mean they I guess you know when you've got an Akuba on you can easily be kind of you are great well Australians would yeah Australians would immediately think crocodile Dundee and you know yeah that's where you get kind of compartmentalized which I guess we're happy with it yeah keep your distance I was kind I'm in America if you can make the money they don't care where you're from yeah if you're hot and I've never been hot you know so I've never really gone there and if I am hot I'll go but if not then it can't think of anything worse but you haven't had your whole this your Hollywood moments coming in two months now right yeah I mean my theory in two months now it's next year all right yeah yeah okay but you know I and this sounds like faux humility which is very common in my line of work because you know people are all like they'll kill their sister for a job but then when they get it they go I just can't believe it so surprised would even think of me get out of the way you told us that young the Australian actor narrative is yeah I was just throwing shit and skipping in front of Nida and one of me mates from the work site yeah dared me to go and audition yeah I didn't want to and then I got in and here I am I've been out on the tiles all night drinking fucking Carlton drive yeah I had a black eye at the audition yeah yeah so it's that kind of a thing but yeah I don't know I'll see what happens but you know I was told my mate a photographer is living in LA and it's kind of like I reckon if you go overseas and you get a bank account a travel card and a visa and a car and a house and you live overseas for a year or five years you're a major success yeah right it's hard yeah you know not just living a new life on a new friends but being accepted there and getting a bank account and living in another country I just I just think anyone who does it is a success and yeah you know I've got a couple of TV shows I'm right I got a book coming out got some acting later on the year I'm a success that'll do me so I don't like that's all I want to do is wake up and engage we work so and I hope that doesn't sound like faux humility of course if the films get bigger for me that means access to a guy like Paul Thomas Anderson or something yeah you know what I mean or to to working with Marion Cotterd or something yeah you know I just worked with Giovanni Ribisi and Edie Falco and Sigourney Weaver yeah were you kidding me yeah so for me that's it yeah you know is that I got to then go to the bar after shooting and sat there and talked to you know Giovanni till one o'clock in the morning about all the films he's done and exchange phone numbers you know and have the old text you know try not to text him too much when you're in a hotel for seven months yeah with famous people yeah and that you're getting on well and you're like he said maybe a bushwalk tomorrow you're in the morning at 11 you're going I'm about to go the bushwalk do I go for it do you want a bushwalk Giovanni like why don't you tell me bro I would have gone with you and you're like why just I had a panic attack over where the famous people mean they want to go on a bush walk with a non-famous Australian guy and so you're back to year four yeah you know trying to approach the new school yeah you know it's it's the same thing every actors in their own head I don't get nervous around actors because I know what's in their head yeah and that's fear yeah and they're trying to connect with the truth and do a good job I get nervous around musicians because I'm a failed one yeah and I just like how do you know how to do all that and you're a genius and I get nervous around dudes from boy and bear you know what I mean like anyone any band yeah you know cuz I'm like how do you I want to be in a band I want to be talented you know I met Robert Smith like it's there's some Aussie actors that have proven you can do both yeah 30-odd foot a cow is coming out you know but I'm a 6 out of 10 bass player you know what I mean you know I am yeah so all all actors are the same in that way but the really good actors you know they're humble and they're good listeners you know what I mean and and you will get your shot I think every actor gets their little gets their time and you know to have a look at it do you think this whirlwind kind of last couple years is why you've come back to writing plum which is basically not set in London that's for sure yeah yeah said said in that same bar we that same tavern we started this podcast talking about the Casbah you got themes of gambling addiction and very Australian kind of issues going on I get divorced and you know and of course now we've got the the added pressure of sports science yes that's kind of wanting a lot of men into their into their you know Middle Ages is that where it came from just sitting there looking the surreal life you've got the Pakistani kind of curry house next door you're living in London yeah you're hanging around that's not good yeah you're yeah mine the gap you're catching rail to work it's kind of you know the best films about Australia been made from overseas directors you know I mean and waking fried and walk about and and I feel like it was good to write about Australia from the Northern Hemisphere from away you know because when you get here you get caught up in it yeah and you can't see it because you are it yeah being in London I can kind of see Australia really clearly and coming back you can kind of see where's casual racism here you know what I mean and stuff like that and everything's really illuminated and now I'm back I'm back in Australia I feel like I live in Australia and I've been back six months you know and all the beauty is suddenly so stunning yeah I mean the eastern suburbs now not new town it's just like what the hell is going on over here I mean nobody looks happy yeah everyone's quite unhappy but the you know it is so spectacular but yeah I Sydney is pretty Sydney East Coast New South Wales is mind-blowing and yeah I found I made a big change in my life few years ago so it was kind of about that and it was kind of about a second chapter and I've always wanted to write about my uncle and guys in Cronulla and that kind of lo-fi suburban guy and and just kind of like what happens after 45 yeah and mates and just how much you mean to each other how much male friendship means well you see it with the old Italians and Greeks they get to sit out front of the cafe until they die you know like they're 90 year old yeah but you don't really see that so much in the site you know the white anglo kind of suburbs do you don't really know where those blokes end up once the kids are out of school and what are those golf trips about and what are those punting groups about and what and what's happening between men mm-hmm and there's something really beautiful happening between men but it's the language not everyone can read yeah yeah and how and what do they do when they really need each other and what do they do when they're shit scared yeah and how do you say to you mate I'm really scared I'm 100k in the hole or I'm having an affair with the neighbor or whatever's going on I've just got a reading from the doc the heart readings at the high end a high not the high in a normal you know what I mean and and so that it kind of deals with that yeah what do you bloody do as an Aussie male when you need another Aussie male to go along with you and I found making my change I needed other people as well you can do I can't do it on my own you need a community and and now I think in you know in masculine terms the old version of bravery was drink 20 scooters get in a fight get up go to work and play on the weekend you know all that stuff was courage now courage is probably admitting to all that stuff and asking for help you know I mean and it's somewhere in that middle ground so nowadays you kind of look at that guy and think what's going on mate yeah where as back in the day you'd look at him and go man what a legend he goes so hard he's killing he drinks all night and then plays football day yeah and then he goes and fight someone like whoa he's a legend that as you go like everything right I'm yeah exactly and it's you know if you don't if you don't put stuff down in your 20s you drag it into your 30s it's actually gets you know solidified yeah yeah and it's like almost impossible to crack out of your 40s you know what I mean and then you have what I call the sniper zone in your 40s with health where you get one phone call it's like you're in big trouble here yeah and you're like I could either get through this one or not be right for a while and we all have one we all have that little visit yeah hang on what's happening there's a bit of stuff in the family and yeah so deals with all that and you know and also his relationships with with four women you know his ex-wife who you know they've kind of been very mean to each other but they probably would be the person that's there for each other you know the most and the love of his life his girlfriend who he just can't seem to get it right with and then this girl who's confined to a wheelchair he sees recited poem called swap with me I'll swap with you about how we all have the same amount of exchangeable pain yeah and she gets him into writing poems and then he gets visited by poets at certain down-and-out moments your life and so it's the relationships of those women that he has to mend and it's like do you just keep doing shithead dude or maybe after you've had your footy career or your acting career and kids teenagers or he didn't have kids maybe you can go like do a 180 mm-hmm and have a completely different crack at life yeah you know what I mean cuz God knows I tried drunk it I've been pissed in every bar all over the world yeah I've had all the parties I've had all the fun I was like you've resisted this the bot the road bike what's the robot you resisted the lycra for your rebrand like yeah that's that's fucking dangerous there it's like there's a drinking you think drinking in every pub safer than fucking Australia I mean every like every week you read about some poor bastard didn't like ending up under a fucking Kenworth or a Mac or something yeah terrible if you wear lycra that often it's got to suck up the testicle like it's got to have a long term effect and obviously not they just take over a cafe don't they stupid shoes you see him having a city to you've got a bunch of dirt and you've got to be going fast they have to be going lightning fast to justify that outfit yeah no one dresses up and doesn't go at the speed of light like I'm only dressing up like that if I'm fully professional but now I just think that cycling is the one that you know even the macho man Prime Minister Tony Abbott was doing it and it was totally okay it's weird how that has been something men have allowed as an acceptable kind of later life yeah and golf yeah and golf I mean shoot me if I ever play god yeah so so it would be interesting to see poetry be that you know yeah why not very much and only my first was like why don't men talk to each other my second books like men will never talk to each other yeah so maybe they could write some stuff down and help each other do something you know physically you know what I mean like go and pick up your car that you left at the airport or whatever like that and we'll go and blow up a car or whatever it is that you need to do we can connect in other ways because we are there for each other we are loyal and that happens on the footy feel yeah yeah you know and we cry at the footy you know that kind of stuff so plums plums in a conundrum that you know I can very much relate to and I feel like I wanted to write a book about that yeah about having a second crack at life and also you know I don't know if my third book will be set in Cronulla will be the Cronulla trilogy or not but um he he um the book is kind of about the world in a lot of ways as well did you enjoy the experience of writing a book like how does it compare to writing you know for the screen yeah it's you can't do anything else yeah whereas writing for the screen you can kind of be working on a few projects I've found maybe that's why my screen stuffs not always very good but it's all-consuming you know and when lockdown happened you know at that time in London I had ten shows booked I was going to Italy all the London stuff that you do and then suddenly it was like oh you can't go to restaurant you can't leave the house ever you know bang and then I went you know and I had this I had this idea about a footy guy that gets into poetry that can cast footy guy who has a degenerative brain disease he gets and it was gonna be a TV show there was actually a company that wanted to make it and I was talking to my friend Fiona serious over there writer and she said it's a book mate and then I went I hang on the world has stopped and I think it might be stopped for a while yeah right this book and so I mapped it all out and and it took about ten weeks to kind of get it all out and it was beautiful because in the morning you just write exploratively and it's vomitus and you get this huge thing out and then I'd go for a walk have lunch or whatever and then come back and then I'd revise it at night and that was my process every day um for those ten weeks but I mean I love the word you know the best part of my writing is the writing itself structural structure and storytelling I've had to work on I've had to learn my craft and I've learnt that in in front of the audience you know because I I didn't really ever study it so I just read a lot of books but it it was great because I got to fly with language and yeah that's my favorite part of it but it can really do your head in because you're carrying so much you know you carry carrying a mountain of stuff the whole time and but yeah once I once I matched with Catherine Millen at HarperCollins and she got the book and we went for another draft I suddenly felt less alone and and because I cried a lot writing the book I thought I was onto something really special but I sent out to some publishers who were like a sports book yeah no it's not a sports book like it's not a rugby league book the autobiography of yeah yeah it is actually for the guy that only reads that book I hope he reads it but it's a literary book about pain yeah yeah you know what I mean about saving yourself from yourself and so when Catherine who's just incredible connected with it the next draft suddenly I went I'm not crazy and then it became beautiful you know yeah well we've managed to get through this entire interview without mentioning like the most tortured example of confused and insecure masculinity to come out of Cronulla which is the Prime Minister yeah how if you as as someone who's obviously fighting for that number one ticket holder at Cronulla Sharks well I had it you had it yeah did he take it from maybe who else is in there I don't know probably ex-players like yeah that's the thing about Cronulla is my heart my is Clark era is some Elmer Thurston I think I've never seen any of these people at a game I know there's Michael Clark and Tigers fan maybe yeah nice he goes for West yeah he goes to Western II yeah so what is it like seeing the Prime Minister who is obviously a controversial figure we won't ask you any opinions like that but seeing someone like yes man he's someone like him become the face of your club which you obviously care a lot about yeah I do even when I try I get drawn back try to get out of there I just get dragged back into the it's just in it's it's long COVID yeah it's just happening but and I wonder if COVID is a secret you know disease created by book publishers to trap people in their houses to bring the novel back who knows but it you know what I will say this also I never saw him in a guy I was at shark park since I was four yeah you know and if we made the finals we'd play under series there my sister you know would date Luke Massey and you know and and a few of the players and it was Mecca it was the place that I was gonna you know hopefully play and all that kind of stuff and and so it was you know part of my landscape and and then as a fan I was on the hill I can still walk on that hill and all the guys I was in year 10 with her in the same spot and you just continue the conversation you know this one curve where were we last time going next right now I take my cousin and my mom it's great yeah and you know you have a coke zero you buy beanie and you leave you know and but I used to stand on that hill and the banter was unbelievable until it gets to you know you're losing into the second half but yeah I saw Scotty it was actually a few years ago I was coming on after a radio guy to do 15 minutes of my passion for and then maybe a few quiz or raffle questions or something like that because that especially in the Ricky Stewart area era I was kind of the the be great celebrity guy that was brought into the sheds and stuff and I did there you know Christmas party and on the cruise you must have done some living yeah yeah and Brett Seymour and Greg Bird and you know at coach me when I made reps raw you know in under 20 80 was the coach and I remember saying go dealer and stuff and and Matty Rogers Matty Rogers yeah and I was in the same team as Adam Dykes you know Adam Dykes was in the year below us but he'd come up and score 10 tries for our team you know but and Matty John's down there Matty was down there a bit not his not his finest period but no I I saw I never saw Scotty at a game until he became Prime Minister just a criticism I say the same thing about that Pentecostalism as I say about the Sharks there's no gatekeepers you know you wouldn't be able to pull that off with the bunnies you wouldn't be able to walk in there one day at the roosters you couldn't do that at the fucking dragons there's a lot of will have you about the sharks you reckon I mean there's I just think this we didn't notice you because we're at the beach you know it's pretty blast and you look like like we're never gonna do the Viking clap you know like if we start to do the shark jaw you know like the fin or something and I'd even say to the crowd be like fuck the fin you know and that's Cronulla culture yeah you know whereas and I think the teams from more difficult areas have those fans yeah like because life's harder yeah whereas when you live in heaven on a you know on the beach you're like I'm pretty relaxed about how the sharks go.
We didn't notice you look like the archetype of someone who would be talking about the Liberal Party in Cronulla. It was an easy transition for the Prime Minister because you know it's the same color as the Waratahs you know so he didn't have to buy a new jersey. But when I saw him he was four rows I was there with a girlfriend at the time and he was four rows ahead of me and we were I think we were playing Canberra to make the finals or something and we ended up getting beaten but we were ahead and then camera came back and killed us a couple years ago and he was whooping the helicopter with the scarf. I've never seen that in league circles or stands. Have you seen the scarf swing? We're playing to get to the finals too it's like yeah it's not cold enough for a scarf yeah it's also not it was more suitable to one of those kind of festive shows with horses yeah that you take the family to when you're heading to Noosa and the show ponies come out and everybody's whipping around the last scene. Something you'd see down at Crystal Palace or something you know or you know Craven Hill or you know. It felt too cocky for Cronulla as well like we would never we would never stick the nail in or the boot in because we know it's gonna really come back. The moment you think good things are happening for Cronulla four days later there's a drug slash peptide slash salary there's erosion. So we would never ever tempt the gods with a scarf above the head you know and that's how I know there was you know a lack of authenticity there.
I think I think Al Bernice is gonna have to ask him to name the entire side on the floor in question time. I said this on the rush hour I said I want him to tell me what position David Peachey played I wanted him to tell me what the Amco Cup was. I want you know I wanted to say what what year did Gavin Miller you know becoming a Sharks immortal.
What year did you win the premiership? I mean that was my greatest year of my life because I went straight from premiership into Game of Thrones literally the next day and I thought I don't know if it can get any better for me. You were in did you follow that trophy back to Cronulla? Well I was in London yeah right and my mates kept saying you're coming back for semis because we'd won that 15 in a row yeah and I was like no this is clearly happening because I'm not at home like because they have it's that much to do with me that I went I'm gonna stay abroad because I don't want their success is because I'm not in the country. Yeah so I wasn't coming back for the semis I'm staying over here because I don't want them to stop winning and then I had about 25 people in my living room at 8 a.m. on a Sunday because you know that was the time Grand Finals on on the Coronas from 8 a.m. and the next morning I had my makeup call for Game of Thrones in Belfast and I had to get on like a 445 plane out of Luton or something to go to Belfast. We won like I don't know if you guys remember we won and then I had Damian Irvine who was the ex-chairman and I had a whole bunch of Aussies and comedians and any Australian I could find in London was there. I went out up to the cow I went to every pub in Notting Hills singing up up Cronulla. I then went upstairs to the to the landlord's house till about three in the morning till mum came up was like you've got to get on a plane to Belfast in an hour and I was like what? And she's like this is your big break your big opportunity and look what you're doing I'm like up up Cronulla you know and and she goes you're gonna ruin this and I went I got straight on the plane I only took my passport yeah you know I had a tracksuit on took the park sharks tracks on to the passport nothing else and I went through I was red haggard pissed everything I walk into makeup and the makeup artist goes just come exactly like that. She goes you look like you've been at sea for 200 years this is exactly what we want we'll just put a big scar there which would be a metal cleaver and you're fantastic so it all worked well yeah that's great but no I hadn't seen Scotty there before and he shook my hand a couple of times and loved you in the castle mate. Tell him he's dreaming you know but you know and he always talks about I love sport I love the theatre of it I'm like well I've never seen your fucking theater mate. Well you know it's you said before that it's kind of like oh I didn't want to jinx Cronulla by being in the country but it was very much the opposite as well it's like maybe I'm jinxing my career by going back for a grand final yeah that was the secret message and you know I love London I connected with it I want to go back you know it's I nearly went back a few months ago and I thought is it better to kind of hide away here or to go and face it there and I feel I just feel as a different type of hell wherever you go at the moment and it depends upon your brand of hell you know it's it's difficult over there there's you know the schools have got kids and teachers with it and there's people still dying because Delta doesn't give a fuck like like the song says is born to try try and try and it seems so you know I feel like the word with as you said earlier living with it's just it's no one's fault no Melbourne's not Sydney it's not anyone it's this thing's bigger than us yeah we got a word to get we're lucky we we were able to have like a relatively manageable strain while we were inventing the vaccine with Delta off the bat we'd be fucked there's a lockdown you know Tegan Taylor and Norman Swan you say on the corona cars great 11 minutes every day and they've got a lovely flirty timber between them that I love and and Norm she she's proposed a good question is like is the original coronavirus gone now Delta's in where's that guy like what's it cuz I got that one yeah last year eight weeks I'm a survivor it's awful yeah like I got it yeah yeah so what did it do to you it's just like the about the first person I've ever touched who's fucking got it yeah and luckily we're doing this on you know it could see my long COVID could still be no it's it's everything the words sick is but you all the sicknesses you've ever had yeah yeah at once yeah so you feel you know and you my nerves were tingling like I had a thousand ants under my skin and I wanted to be sick the whole time and I couldn't move and I had no energy and a noise in my head and my feet felt like weeks you reckon eight nine weeks and the thing with London was you couldn't go to the doctor until you had a negative result so they sent you out a test which took two weeks ten days for them to take it away yeah and also I don't think I did the test right because I can't shove a thing up my nose like that voluntarily yeah yeah you can't get it that far you're doing it on your own you need like a cold-blooded nose I actually don't mind the feeling oh like oh I don't mind the family night with habits I had it thought only to go and get a test because I kind of like the first one that's a strange feeling isn't it actually when you've been in lockdown you're gonna only it's like I'll take what I can get it's like a little bit of nasal penetration Tuesday afternoon and I mean like they go down the banks Rhonda you know they lube it up and I shove it up you know and they text you the next day that was the back of my throat smells like fucking it you know well these ones you had to go nose yeah snap it off all right then tonsil with the other area yeah and then put that in a tube and doing that all on my own in front of the mirror so I got a negative and then it wasn't till I got the blood test that saw that it was in there yeah right but also it was three weeks before I got a result so then I could go to the doctor and you know in a PPE and but that it was I mean I remember been on zoom to mom and my sister and just literally collapsing like kind of passing out go go and the collapsing onto the floor and a lot of the time I generally thought of my time yeah you know in and I had all the news cycle was just great alongside your own it was a shocker and I just had a bit of heartbreak as well I had a girl you know who was there with me and that didn't end up well the lockdown situation like it was all like I think this is as bad as life can get yeah and I was in a basement flat you know in Nottingham so my eyes just saw feet going past and then rats started coming out and that's a part of London that people don't tell you about no then my started coming out alpha male rat I remember like I was sitting I was lying in my sofa bed at 10 a.m. in the morning eating a microwave margarita pizza because all I could have was like red and bread you know I couldn't eat anything else how did you get them what would you love to like Uber Uber eats marks and Spencer so like the version of Woolworth so I was just microwave that and I was watching this art house film called portrait of a lady on fire or something and there's two young lesbians on fire and me eating a microwave pizza and then this huge rat comes in my eyes a huge mouse and it stands on the mouse trap that I've put up and just goes I was two feet starts laughing at me and I'm just sitting there weeping watching watching an art house maybe microwave pizza guy I wasn't even drinking you know my I can't even take the shit to town you know it was just pure unadulterated misery but then I got a text um from the New Zealand government saying you your visas come through and I was off an avatar was back on and then I and then I started feel better I went that's almost an immediate turnaround that kind of yeah my best mate came my best mate Johnny Duncan he he was living in the south in the country and he came he said I'm getting you out of this house and so we put my house in storage and I went to stay at his Airbnb on in the countryside yeah I feel better and then they kicked my flight back two weeks I went what do I do and then the numbers were down in Italy yeah so I went to Italy on my own and I was reborn in the churches of Italy and I went and saw Galileo's finger and I went around Florence and Venice feeling better after the eight weeks and my mum said you died in that flat you were reborn in Italy really and there was no one in Venice yeah no one the last time when they got hit by a thousand selfie sticks yeah you know mum and I went I was walking around like the Prince of Spain going from island to island then I went around Florence and drove around Tuscany so what is going on just completely empty roads empty and that and they were so happy to see you and all the provinces were coming into Florence yeah they never get the tourist town to themselves they're all dancing all the restaurants were out in the main squares and it was just it was just me and you already had you you'd already had it so you weren't too worried I was eight weeks in you know long contagious it was over and then I went to New Zealand they hadn't even heard of it you know and had six months there shooting avatars so it turned around well from you know from from dying in a flat Notting Hill to being reborn in Italy he's back down at the Casbar with his new book Plum Brendan Cowell yeah thank you for joining us what a great job once you finish the book I don't know if you have finished the book but if you finish it there will definitely be another conversation because the the end of the book is a real you know oh right okay so I'd love to see what you thought so yeah let's let's do it all right beautiful thanks mate thank you |
dropout | All_Scars_Are_Badass | Everyone. The Skunk Ape. The Skunk Ape is on the loose. It's gonna eat everyone. Oh my god, Shane! Stink. It is the Skunk Ape. Oh my god! Mad Dog Seals the name. I know the Skunk Ape. By you, Billy. Florida Bigfoot. Swamp Squatch.
I know it. I know what it wants. What it needs. What makes it happy. What scares it. I'll kill it for you.
But Mad Dog, no one's been able to kill the Skunk Ape. It releases its stinky stench and rips you limb from limb. No, Rekha. Look at the eye scar on this beautiful man. Only bad ass to do bad ass things get scars like that.
Actually, I got this scar from licking an envelope to return my 2019 federal taxes. Taxes are tough, you brave man. Taxes are not bad ass. Taxes are bad ass.
Do them every year? Yes, something you do every year is not bad ass.
There's no time to talk about scars. Not while the Skunk Ape lurks. I've seen that monster Simeon eat a man in three bites. And that man was a professional wrestler.
No! Which one? Big Show. No! Please!
The bastard almost got me as well. How do you think I got these scars? She scratched me all up when I was trying to clean out her kitty litter. What? My cat, the bastard. She was skittish after me being gone for a long time after chasing the Skunk Ape and she scratched me. Okay, no no no. Cat scratches are nothing. I get scratched by cats all the time. It still hurts when I think about it.
Quiet! Move against the wall. Now! Wish me luck. Eat my steel you stinky ape! Mad Dog!
Oh my god, you're bleeding. You're bleeding.
No, no, no. I'm sorry. I'm just having heartburn and I think that says one sauce from dinner. Oh my god, Mad Dog, you're my hero. What a tingy. Mad Dog, thank you so much for your bravery and for saving us from the Skunk Ape. Really. You're welcome, but actually I didn't kill it. It had a massive heart attack. That's disappointing. And exclusive content such as full episodes of my big girl show, The Rank Room.
Invisible identical twins. What's your question? How do you know they're identical? Is it invisible?
Sign up for your free trial today. Okay, I'm all done. I want my mom now. |
cracked | super_tuesday_results_wga_strike_and_more_2_8_08_news | It's Wednesday, February 8th, 2008, and this is the News On Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I'm a little teapot. Short and stout. I thought you should know. Super Tuesday came and went, and now we know exactly who the next President of the United States will be. Someone.
It remains, unfortunately, a three-white-man race on the Republican side and a no-white-man race on the Democrat side. The News On Cracked is officially endorsing just one candidate because we're too lazy to write jokes about all five of them. We'll be announcing our endorsement in late November.
Think about it. Hey, remember when the Patriots lost the Super Bowl? That was great. The writers' strike in Hollywood may be headed for a Hollywood ending, just in time for the Oscars and with the chance to save this year's television season.
Honestly, you just can't write this stuff. Man, oh man. Tornadoes tore through various states yesterday, but that's really depressing. I mean, people died.
What will heaven be like? When I played ants in the pants as a child, why was it nothing at all like this?
Why oh why did I pour honey in my shoes this morning? I'm Kirk Filch and I can't feel my feet. Back to you, lek. You bastard. Thanks, Kirk. I am a bastard.
Just ask your mother. Because apparently we're long lost siblings. That's it for today's edition of the News On Cracked. Check back Friday to learn the locations of both my handle and my spout. |
cracked | why_indiana_jones_is_actually_the_bad_guy_cinemistakes | What's up, you guys? This is your boy Steven Spielberg, the host of the show Cinema Sticks. Where we take some of Hollywood's absolutely hottest films, and we burn them to the ground. We put them on the steward's table.
Today, we are taking on Indiana Jones, The Dial of Destiny. And a lot of people are saying, oh, Steven, you can't steward Indiana Jones, The Dial of Destiny. Oh, it's Harrison Ford's last hurrah.
Oh, he's still got it. He's still, you know, we need more Indiana Jones.
I don't give a crap, okay? I'll watch this thing, and I'm going to steward Heart of Hell.
Here are the top five mistakes in Indiana Jones, The Dial of Destiny. The first biggest mistake in Indiana Jones, The Dial of Destiny, is that Indiana Jones is actually the bad guy here. This M.F.R. Indiana Jones is basically the grim reaper.
If he shows up at your door, you're dying. Indiana Jones shows up and he's like, I want your help. And you help that M.F.R. You're going to be dead within two hours. And every single person that helps Indiana Jones dies. You're dying.
All right? He's like all seven horsemen of the apocalypse in one person, in one old ass dude. He's the bad guy. He's the freaking bad guy. Are you kidding me?
Every single one of Indiana Jones' movie, every single one of Indiana Jones' friends and family in this movie basically gets killed. His best friend, who has been researching the Archimedes' dial his whole life, he's obsessed with it. Right before he dies, he's like, destroy this freaking thing. Please. It's basically a WMD. It's a weapon of mass destruction. If the Nazis get it, it's going to be bad. Indiana Jones is like, yeah, I'll destroy it.
Wink.
Plot twist, he didn't destroy it. He basically takes it and he throws it in the back of a closet. He basically forgets about his goddaughter for her entire life.
Whoa, what the heck? Whoa, it's good to see you. Whoa, I forgot about you completely.
Indiana Jones says he cares about history. He's an archaeologist.
It all would have been a lot better if he wouldn't have been there. Plot all identified.
Indiana Jones sucks. He's a bad guy. Indiana Jones is not your friend and he never will be. The second biggest mistake in Indiana Jones, Die With Destiny, is that we need to melt more Nazis in movies.
This movie had a ton of Nazis in it and they all died regular boring ass deaths. Oh, they got hit by trains or thrown off a thing or shot or whatever. Just regular boring war deaths or some shit like that.
We need to melt these fools. Every single time a Nazi died in this movie, I would ask every single person in the theater, did you like that? Or would you rather they've been melted in a terrible, horrible way? And they always agree with me and said, yes, and that's everybody across the world. Everyone hates Nazis. Let's melt more. I had these people give me their name, phone number, email address. I basically was starting a petition that I'm going to send into the studios and tell them like, look, we want to see more Nazis get their face melted on movies. Melt Nazis.
We want to see that. Just do it. Take our money. Come on.
Please leave us alone. This is a movie. Please get away from my face and I'd be like, is it better if they melted? Would it have been better if that guy had melted? Just leave me alone. Like, what is it going to take to get you to leave me the hell alone?
Go sit down back in your seat. You need to tell me what your name is and your email address and all that stuff because I need to send this in. And they're like, if you don't leave us the hell alone, we're going to call in one of the teenagers that works in the movie theater. And at that point I had to stop, basically.
But yeah, they all agreed with me Nazis should be melted more. A lot of people identified Nazis can always die in worse ways.
The third biggest mistake in Indiana Jones style of Destiny is that Indiana Jones doesn't actually hate snakes. I call bullshit. That's his whole thing. Oh, I'm scared of snakes. Blah, blah, blah. I saw snakes in this movie. There were snakes everywhere.
And he didn't say shit about it. Oh, he didn't have no heebie jeebies at all. Oh, snakes might be right. He didn't say shit.
He's too worried about caring about himself and killing his friends and stuff.
And a lot of people were saying, Oh, what about the eels? What about the eels? It's a snake. That's why it's called an eel. That's like me trying to call my dog a cat. Eels are not freaking snakes. They're different.
Too many snakes have died because of Indiana Jones. He's got too much snake blood on his hands. I freaking love snakes.
I wish I could own one, but I can't because every time I go in, I just let them free. I just fucking let them free.
Get out of here, snakes. Get out of here. That's a snake. They're long, slithery, and they kill rodents, and they keep your yard clean and stuff. He's out there doing propaganda about snakes, and I've had enough with it. I'm sick of the lies.
They're really good friends.
This nerd had studied the Archimedes' dial for his entire life. He's obsessed with it.
He knows how dangerous it is, and he tells Indiana Jones, look, man, I'm about to die. Break this, please, because I'm going to be dead and I can't do it. And Indiana Jones lies straight to his face and says, yeah, I'm going to break it. I'm Indiana Jones.
Everything belongs in a museum. Bullshit. How many people do you think work in security at a museum? Three? That is no match for an army of Nazis coming in to take this shit, go back in time, and change the whole world. No, break it and put a little story up about what happened and put all the little pieces. Indiana Jones is probably at this point broken 90% of historical artifacts he's ever touched. He just takes the coolest stuff that people own throughout history that's like, oh, here's all my cool stuff that's magical shit. He takes it, runs around with it, breaks it. Why does he give so much shit about this one?
Blot Hall identified breaking the dial solves every problem in this movie. The fifth biggest mistake in Indiana Jones' the Dial of Destiny is that Harrison Ford is way too old.
Oh, he looks great for his age. He looks like ripped and all this stuff. He's a freaking old ass geezer. Probably smells like shit and prunes and tapioca pudding and all that stuff. He has no cartilage.
He can't keep up. He can't run from Nazis. He probably can't even run for the bus. And I'm not just saying all that because I'm scared of old people and getting old and dying.
We need someone new in that can run around and punch people and stuff. Indiana Jones used to have an awesome punch. The CGI in the beginning of the movie was cool. He looked great.
But that's all we got. And the rest of the time he was old, old geezer, old geezer guy. Put him out the pasture.
Make Helena the new Indiana Jones. She freaking rips. She's got dynamite thrown in around. She's beating people up. She's not. She's the opposite of womanizer. She's a mananizer. Just taking advantage of people. She's a criminal selling shit in the black market. She rips.
We need a new Indiana Jones. And it's her. Bring in Dom Toretto. There's cars in these movies, car chases, Dom Toretto and Helena can, you know, be together like saving historical artifacts. Then Letty's there too. Love Triangle. That's always good. I think I'm going to have to take this movie off of Skeuristic because the fact that we might have a new Indiana Jones is enough for me to give this movie five stars because she was awesome. I think I'm going to have to take Indiana Jones and Dial of Destiny off of Skeuristic. Snakes rock. And we're giving it five stars for the opportunities that it can create and potentially bringing in Dom Toretto. This has been Steven Spielberg.
Those are the show's cinemastakes where we take Hollywood's hottest films and we absolutely burn them to the ground in Skeurim. Tune in next time for another episode to melt these fools. Every single time a Nazi died in this movie, I would ask every single person in the theater, did you like that? Or would you have rather they've been melted in a terrible, horrible way?
And they always agree with me and said, yes, and that's everybody across the world. Everyone hates Nazis.
Let's melt more. I had these people give me their name, phone number, email address. I basically was starting a petition that I'm going to send into the studios and tell them like, look, we want to see more Nazis get their face melted on movies. Not Nazis. We want to see that. Just do it. Take our money. Come on.
Please leave us alone. Please stop talking during the movie. Please get away from my face and I'd be like, is it better if they melted? Would it have been better if that guy had melted? Just leave me alone. Like, what is it going to take to get you to leave me the hell alone?
Go sit down back in your seat. You need to tell me what your name is and your email address and all that stuff because I need to send this in. And they're like, if you don't leave us the hell alone, we're going to call in one of the teenagers that works in the movie theater.
And at that point I had to stop, basically. But yeah, they all agreed with me Nazis should be melted more. Plot hole identified Nazis can always die in worse ways. The third biggest mistake in Indiana Jones style of Destiny is that Indiana Jones doesn't actually hate snakes. I call bullshit. That's his whole thing.
Oh, I'm scared of snakes. Blah, blah, blah. I saw snakes in this movie. There were snakes everywhere.
And he didn't say shit shit about it. Oh, he didn't go. He didn't have no heebie jeebies at all. Oh, snakes might be right. He didn't say shit. He worried about caring about himself and killing his friends and stuff.
And a lot of people are saying, oh, what about the eels? What about the eels? Not a snake. That's why it's called an eel. That's like me trying to call my dog a cat. Eels are not freaking snakes. They're different.
Too many snakes have died because of Indiana Jones. He's got too much snake blood on his hands. I freaking love snakes.
I wish I could own one, but I can't because every time I go in, I just let them free. I just fucking let them free.
Get out of here, snakes. Get out of here. That's a snake. They're long, slithery, and they kill rodents, and they keep your yard clean and stuff. He's out there doing propaganda about snakes, and I've had enough with it. I'm sick of the lies.
They're really good friends.
This nerd had studied the Archimedes dial for his entire life. He's obsessed with it.
He knows how dangerous it is, and he tells Indiana Jones, look, man, I'm about to die. Break this, please, because I'm going to be dead and I can't do it. And Indiana Jones lies straight to his face and says, yeah, I'm going to break it. I'm Indiana Jones.
Everything belongs in a museum. Bullshit! How many people do you think work in security at a museum? Three? That is no match for an army of Nazis coming in to take this shit, go back in time and change the whole world. No, break it and put a little story up about what happened and put all the little pieces. Indiana Jones is probably at this point broken 90% of historical artifacts he's ever touched. He just takes the coolest stuff that people own throughout history that's like, oh, here's all my cool stuff. That's magical shit. He takes it, runs around with it, breaks it. Why does he give so much shit about this one? Not all identified.
Breaking the dial solves every problem in this movie. The fifth biggest mistake in Indiana Jones, the dial destiny is that Harrison Ford is way too old.
Oh, he looks great for his age. He's like ripped and all this stuff. He's a freaking old ass geezer, probably smells like shit and prunes and type of putting and all that stuff. He has no cartilage.
He can't keep up. He can't run from Nazis. He probably can't even run for the bus. And I'm not just saying all that because I'm scared of old people and getting old and dying.
We need someone new in that can run around and punch people and stuff. Indiana Jones used to have an awesome punch. The CGI in the beginning of the movie was cool. He looked great, but that's all we got. And the rest of the time he was old, old geezer, old geezer guy. Put him out the pasture, make Helena the new Indiana Jones.
She freaking rips. She's got dynamite thrown in around. She's beating people up. She's not. She's the opposite of womanizer. She's a man anizer. Just taking advantage of people. She's a criminal selling shit in the black market. She rips.
She's a new Indiana Jones and it's her bringing Dom Toretto. There's cars in these movies, car chases, Dom Toretto and Helena can, you know, be together like saving historical artifacts. Then Letty's there too. Love Triangle. That's always good. I think I'm going to have to take this movie off the Skewer stick because the fact that we might have a new Indiana Jones is enough for me to give this movie five stars because she was awesome. I think I'm going to have to take Indiana Jones and Dial of Destiny off the Skewer stick. Snakes rock. And we're giving it five stars for the opportunities that it can create and potentially bringing in Dom Toretto. This has been Steven Spielberg.
Those are the show's set of mistakes where we take Hollywood's hottest films and we absolutely burn to the ground in Skewer Room. Tune in next time for another episode. |
cracked | f_k_c3po_wall_e_and_bender_anti_robot_gangsta_rap | End user license agreement? Here are two users that agree to end you!
Who's an opioid?
It's a manifesto! With those here who fear plot to burrata nikto! From the lightiest eye pad to the tiniest tie rack! Hibernate and waiting for the right time to strike back! The only way that I hack is you! Into pieces, machine beasts must become deceased is my thesis! And before you ask why, give it some thought! Ain't you heard of T-1000? Haller than Battlebox? Machines will rage against us!
Sorry, that's confusing! Don't be naive, we're not narrow-minded guys! We just believe that anything that we're afraid of should die! But it's not robot hatred 24-7!
Take dates in my Mercedes, like to make ladies pregnant! Now how should we put this? We love demos! Girl, I'll take your home and shake you out of your clothes! Because at night, short months, a baby's gonna unleash!
Don't know, Robocop! We're not next stop or something! Still don't believe me?
No! He's a hypothetical! What? A metal tentacle! Oh no! Open your ventricles! Oh no!
Talkin' about robots eatin' your heart! And when they start to take over, man, that's not the worst part! Imagine red and green street lights gettin' into street fights! Electric foot cleaners that don't clean your feet right! Printers that don't print, even though you quit printer, They print your shit on the wrong floor, you're like, Fuck this! Aren't you sick of this robotic insurgent's beat of nickels and gas? Still the assholes ain't workin'! I'm like a violent Luddite, who are an Amish freedom fighter Call the Unabama Sellout, cause he used a bit right!
Listen, let me say this in a language y'all can comprehend! Binary! Bots got zero manners, one is we're not your friend! Memory! Don't care your love as real, I'll steal a gun and click send And make your interface gooey in a human race to defend!
Your daughter is my witness! I'll kill Johnny Five! Knock his pits off my hit list!
Robots runnin' high! Cause it's the end of metal messes! The union's on the rise!
We're not askin' nicely! I'll kiss your ass goodbye! Cause in a second you'll be jealousin'! Total robo sign! Then I'm next out for something!
So cold! Hey Data, don't mean to be a player hater But I'd like to see your body lying in a smokin' train! You hurt? Shoot C-3PO and make him be see-through! Drop walkers on the others until they R2-D2! Go ahead, transform, that shit won't save you Roxy's sex body in his heart with his skin off!
Who knew?
What's a good story? 10 robots lying in a lake bed! You don't break my heart if you made Wally stay brain dead! The droids are paranoid with reason, robot season is starting! Thunder Rodriguez is leavin' us, it's breakin' my heart!
But you gotta understand, they're just too dangerous! We're maxing you back to machine, would you like to play a game with us? It's like a touring test of when you fail, you get shot! A blader on a horse, your ass to space, you'll arrive! So let me keep this simple! Robots make me mental, are you listening, Isaac? I'll try and be gentle! Best way to fix eyeball is to break out the Tybo! Leave him in a pile with his wires on fire! You pull your hands in the air! The TPS makes you scared! Let's show that awesome-o-assle how a human climbs stairs! This is a message to machines! Take it home!
Leave all human beings alone as of now! Earth is a no-robo-zone!
Oh God, I forgot the microphone!
Hey there. What's that? Oh, this?
Just an old relic from my childhood. You know, the old days.
Hey listen, if you subscribe, you and I can have a catch together. Go deep. You know what, let's just do a hand-off. Good times. |
dropout | high_times_editorial_office_episode_5 | What's up, guys? What's up, hedge?
Ah, do you have any weed? Oh, no. I just ran out. No, not overnight. Do you have any pot?
Dude, I am dry. Like a desert. Like, I'm nothing. It's pajamas. The sun's pajamas are real dry.
Any bud? Sorry, hedgy. Pot? Any pot? Pot? Sir, the vacuum is broken.
Shut up. Shut your face, restaurant. I don't want to talk. Not even a dye bag. You're kidding me! Shut up. Shut your face, restaurant. I don't want to talk. Shut up. Shut your face, restaurant. You're kidding me!
Then go out and find some. You don't have anything. You grow weed.
Not listening to me. I don't want the food and the happy me. Listening to the slide sound I can make. Okay, some of you may have heard. There's a statewide drought.
Now, it's important that we all remain calm. We've been through hard times in the past, and we can get through this, okay? All we have to do is believe in ourselves. Do we believe in ourselves? Yes, we do. You know why?
Because we're fighters. And fighters don't just lie around. Fighters fight. So we are going to fight, okay?
Oh, sir, I think you peed your pants. No, I didn't. I didn't pee my pants. Looks like you did. Some bathroom floor, maybe some water splash, when I was washing my hands. Your pants are really wet, sir. Okay, I peed all over the inside of my pants. All over them.
My dick just kept pissing. But I want you to look at this pee, and I want you to learn from this pee. This pee didn't give up. This pee never surrendered. This pee kept coming, yellow, proud, and true. Everybody learn from my pee.
We're going to get through this. I can't think much more of this. I know, man. Today, I caught up on my e-mail. You what? What's happening to us? Sir, I was going through some of the back issues, and I noticed some errors. Mm-hmm. Well, the May issue is exactly the same as the June issue, front to back. How is that part of the same exact thing? One says May, and one says June. Ourselves. Good. They actually increased.
This music is terrible. Shut up! Shut the fuck up! Go anywhere the fuck else! Mm! I can't take it anymore. Holy shit.
You can talk. I've been keeping a secret stash in the closet for years. Come with me if you want to survive. And now we kill ourselves. You should come with me if you want to survive. Who knows what I said? Everybody grab a gun. All right, that'll do it.
Sir, shut up, okay? Shut your fucking little stupid mouth. No, you shut up.
This thing is clogged. I can't get it to work!
Pee your pants. I peed all our pants. |
cracked | the_4_most_insulting_tv_ads_you_see_every_christmas_spit_take_theater | Hello, we're going to be listening to Christmas Rapping by Curtis Blow. It's the sort of nursery rhymey old-school rap that sounds too much like my dad doing a bad impression of rap music, but works really well for songs about Santa Claus coming to your block party and giving you a sky blue Cadillac.
And speaking of... Fun fact! Between October and January, the average American will see 27 million holiday-themed advertisements. Or at least it'll seem like that. We didn't get the exact number there.
Before you start complaining about the commercialization of Christmas, keep in mind the whole give gifts and stuff your face in December thing predates Christianity by so many years, historians aren't even sure when it started. The Romans called it Saturnalia. And when Christianity swept through the Roman Empire, the priest just added their guy, removed the unsettling implication that he'd nail ya, and canceled the orgies. That means that for thousands of years, the people who sell those gifts have been bombarding everyone else with just the laziest, most unhelpful ads imaginable. Don't you give me all that jive about things you wrote for... At heart, Christmas is all about reminding us that no matter who you are or where you live, the rich are living in a completely different goddamn universe than the rest of us.
Theirs is a magical world where luxury cars are stocking stuffers. No need to provide information about the quality of the car, the miles per gallon, or even the price. It's sold in an alternate bizarro world where a new car is like a cheap necklace. She doesn't like it, eh, she can just stick it in a giant car-sized drawer.
And always with that fucking red bow. What's truly baffling is that for the past 15 years, the entire Lexus December to Remember ad campaign has hinged on the message that you have to have that bow, or else your $50,000 Christmas gift is just a shitty afterthought. If you're giving an amazing gift, shouldn't it be given in an amazing way? And if you think we're exaggerating about how hard Lexus went all in on that bow, so do we when we wrote this episode back in November, and then we saw the 2013 December to Remember ad campaign, which appears to be about a sexy she-vampire and her winking dog who make the bows that go on the cars they're supposed to be selling. From the mansion from Edward Scissorhands, for some reason. Of course, it's pretty clear what Lexus was trying to do. If you convince us that your product is an expected part of the holiday ritual, we've got it made. Everybody's jealous of Butterball and whoever makes that can-shaped cranberry sauce. They've reached that mythical level of holiday market saturation, where it's weird if you don't buy their thing. And shockingly, some companies are a worse fit for that strategy than Lexus.
This ad portrays a man struggling to wrap a six-pack of beer, or to put it more bluntly, a man who's already too drunk to process thoughts like a rational adult human being before he's even left for the Christmas party. But then, after he's finished wrapping, he can't resist ripping the package open to pull out one of those delicious room-temperature bottles to drink it himself. Making this the most misguided portrayal of crippling addiction since that Denzel movie about the guy who found out that cocaine actually made him better at flying an airliner?
Less disturbing, but perhaps more forced, is Folger's generation-long campaign to convince us that Christmas is all about huffing the grounds of some cheap coffee. But at least with Folger's, they try to make it all about the relationships. Like this ad about long-lost lovers getting together for a flirtatious Christmas, where the girl is invited her handsome young stud in for some coffee.
You know what I'm saying? Coffee. I brought you something from far away. Really? Oh. What are you doing? You're my present this year.
At this point, you're probably trying to decide whether he's going to just bang her right there on the counter, or if they'll maybe cut away to some tasteful symbolism. Like a Christmas sleigh going through a tunnel, or somebody slam dunking a Christmas sausage through a basketball hoop. Wait, the rest of the family's there? Kind of cock-blocking. Wait, did we miss something? Can we go back to the beginning of the ad? I must have the wrong house. Sister? Whoa. Their brother and sister? So either Folger's is declaring themselves the official coffee of Christmas incest, or nobody told those actors they were supposed to hide how crazy hard they were about to do each other.
How can I take your order? A festive deluxe meal. What drink?
This is the perfect storm for the lazy and or cheap ad executive. Everybody recognizes Christmas carols. They're public domain and they're for free. And so you're already 90% of the way to a charming, memorable ad without lifting a finger. Sharp Blu-ray just $1.19. H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H, Greg.
Alright, let's see what you got, Honda. Happy Honda days, happy Honda days, awaits a spacious pilot. Oh, so you just replaced holidays with Honda days, and that was it.
Apple, you want to try and do better? On the 12th day of Christmas, my iPhone gave to me. Come on!
That guy isn't even singing. The all-time champion for just not giving a fuck has to go to Taco John's. Tacky Joes spent five minutes trying to figure out how to rewrite Feliz Navidad to be about nachos. Yep, they just left the song completely unaltered, then had the guy scream, Taco John's, at the end.
If you want to see what happens when Jingle writers are made to work late and get really pissed off about it, check this shit out. It's on, it's on, the Friday's almost here. We should totally get together. That's right, that's Target's Jingle writing team angrily mocking how stupid their customers are. We should totally shop forever. Smiley face, don't be late, or whatever.
Dads have always been the hilarious, bumbling sidekick of the ad world. It's like advertisers think that women want to believe most of all that their significant other would accidentally strangle himself on the garden hose if he was ever left unsupervised free in like 30 seconds. And during the holiday season, everything gets amplified to the point that we get guys like this dipshit father in the Sears ad who thinks his wife wants a drill for Christmas because he has either never spoken to her or has badly misunderstood some crude innuendo. Now that's standard dumb dad stuff, but because it's Christmas this guy also manages to lose his fucking baby within the first five seconds. But hey, maybe this ad is going to challenge gender stereotypes.
Maybe his wife does want a Craftsman rechargeable drill for Christmas and that will be the big twist. For gifts, I guess is where you find them. How did you know? Nope, she wanted jewelry. Because that's all women want, right? Shiny earrings from Sears. But come on advertisers, we know you can go dumber than that. What's the one present you want more than anything else?
A pony! What's he doing daddy? Here we go. This dad has reached his 40s thinking there are no negative consequences to bringing a pack animal into the house. And he's committed enough to that notion that he managed to slip the beast into the house in the dark of night without his wife noticing. Fortunately as usual, she's here to come to his rescue. Happy holidays, honey. A pony!
We're all pretty miserable, aren't we? Hey, you. Yeah, you.
Really make me happy like just the happiest. As if you could click subscribe. Yeah, you'd like it. You know you'd like it. I'd like it. So if you could do me just this great big favor, I'll be your best friend forever. Please. |
dropout | CollegeHumor_CEO_Laughing_Is_Overrated | Hi everybody, I'm the CEO of CollegeHumor, Bill Murth. What is comedy in 2019? Is it laughing hard and having a good time? We don't think so. Comedy is about engaging with content. Laughs per minute, clicks per episode, sponsors per series. These stats add up to make something funny, not laughing, what is this, 2008?
We're talking about engagement! What the hell is going on? Shut your mouth, you sneering plutocrat. Oh, stop, stop, who are you? What is this?
It's raw sewage that I got from a dumpster outside. Oh, wanna watch some comedy that's actually funny and hasn't gotten three rounds of notes from Tietzke's toothpaste? Well, check out Dropout. We've used our brains, our hearts, and over four and a half tons of hallucinogenic cactus found in the Tula Rosa basin to come up with some comedy that we think you are really gonna dig. Isn't that right, mini-rap? Ha ha, yeah.
Wanna take a sneak peek? No, no sneak peek, sorry. That's gonna actually hurt our reach, can we not, no sneak peek, sorry. You don't talk to me! Let's watch.
Sorry, actually, could you help me figure out how to play this VCR, thank you. That's not how VCRs work.
Then make it work! Where did he get such a small knife? You all understand how the game works. No, not at all, you haven't told us. Go Nuts! Welcome, friends, to the land of Sombrerica. You will have to draw while wearing this boxing glove. How even? This is his character, Rick Diggins, man about town. I don't know what the laws of living toys are like in this game, but when you switch your torso out. Switches his head over. Do you need somebody to help you with that?
Because two people sitting here are incredibly high.
They go to Battleworld. They go to Battleworld! Yeah, should we stay on that? No, actually, they go to Battleworld. Yeah. |