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u201cIf you take the red pill, you become a millionaire - but we kill a babyu201d | u201cIf you take the blue pill youu2026.errru2026.gosh itu2019s been so long since someone picked blue I canu2019t remember what it doesu201d |
"This will be a game changer for the food industry", she started her presentation right off the bat. | "This revolutionary technology reduces the gestation period of a human baby to a mere 3 days". |
After I gave the intruders the code to my safe, they looked at me with blank stares. | Finally, one of them chuckled and said u201cbuddy, we werenu2019t sent here to take your money.u201d |
I was so happy, I'd finally found a cure for cancer! | That must be the research team coming to see the results,but why are they all driving black SUVs with tinted windows? |
My neighbor wouldn't stop complaining about my German Shepherd barking at all hours of the night. | Now I don't have to listen to him complain and my German Shepherd has a new chew toy. |
After the paramedics restarted her heart, my sister clutched my hand and begged me not to let her die. | 'The angels... the angels are waiting for us... and they are so very, very angry...' she whispered in despair. |
"I said two of EVERY animal!" | With a sigh Noah welcomed the termites aboard then stripped himself bare, ready to receive his final passengers - the parasites. |
The liquid, which granted the drinker a much longer life, sold at auction for a staggering $963b. | To the person that now owned the last few hundred litres of the Earth's clean drinking water, I'm sure it was worth every dollar they paid. |
Her teachers always said that our daughter was an excellent problem solver. | If we had only known that she considered her little brother to be a problem. |
I saw my former student, he said, "Hello" to me, I walked on, he turned to stab me, I felt his knife go into my chest, I said, "Don't you know that you can't just make multiple sentences fit the rule of a subreddit just by adding commas, this leads to run-on sentences, have I taught you nothing?" | |
I got my sister a "better luck next time" card, and got all of our family to write funny messages on it | Watching her collapse to the floor weeping after reading it, made her infant son's funeral all the more enjoyable |
Upon returning to earth, NASA discovered a dead astronaut. | Nobody can figure out who it is. |
u201cDo you smell gas?u201d I asked my friend. | u201cWhat?u201d my friend said, as he struck a match to light his cigarette. |
As she held my hand, she broke down sobbing and apologized to me again and again. | Thatu2019s probably a bad sign coming from a palm reader. |
She was walking alone and wearing a short skirt, so of course a creep followed her into this alley. | She smiled, delighting in how fun it was to choose victims this way. |
Today I'm finally going to my first visit with a new therapist to finally say everything I wanted to say for so many years | I wonder if she'll realize I am telling her own story or she was too young to remember everything I've done to her. |
They say the human brain can stay active for up to 30 seconds after being separated from the body. | Its been 13 years now, why am I still here. |
"Your call is very important to us, please stay on the line and your call we be answered in the order it was received." | "IT'S BEEN THIRTY FUCKING MINUTES MY MOM NEEDS AN AMBULANCE!!" |
The animal rights leader preached, "It is time we gave heartless pet abusers some perspective." | As they strapped me to a chair and closed in with their knives, I wished I hadn't told them that I neutered my cat last week. |
Iu2019ve always wondered - when I close my door, does the outside world still remain? | Today, the answer was no. |
I was beating the enemy in combat to a bloody pulp. | But when I saw my daughters beaten face, and the sound of my wife crying, I was brought back to the sound of fireworks. |
Due to the terms of the surrender, I had no choice but to behead the man in front of me. | After his family was set free, my own was brought up next to watch while I handed the executioner's axe to the man behind me. |
IN CASE OF FIRE, READ THE FOLLOWING POST. | You cheated, I haven't set the fire *yet.* |
Having never learned to swim, I was terrified when I fell overboard in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. | As I sank beneath the waves and took what should've been my last breath, I was even more horrified to learn that I could breathe underwater as I continued sinking ever deeper. |
"Turn back" whispered the eerie voice. | Trembling, I apologized profusely as I turned back to the previous page, forgetting that it isn't nearly as fast at reading as I am. |
Just in time I noticed someone slip something into my drink at the party. | My blood ran cold when I realized it was the friend who's supposed to drive me home tonight. |
And now for my final trick, I shall make myself disappear! | The audience's cheers of excitement quickly turned into screams of terror when I took my jacket off to reveal the bomb strapped to my chest. |
My hands were shaking and there were tears in my eyes as I dialed 911. | I hoped that I sounded convincing enough when I told them how my best friend had u201ccommitted suicideu201d. |
UPS NOTIFICATION: Your package was delivered. | DRIVER'S NOTES: *Package did NOT want to be delivered.* |
growing up, my parents wanted me to be a surgeon or a lawyer. | as a serial killer defending myself in court, i got to be both. |
It was gross pulling all the hair out of the bath's plug hole, but then I found the teeth. | Dammit, the website said the acid would dissolve EVERYTHING! |
The kids decided to play doctor. | Nobody realized they could reach the medicine cabinet. |
Walking down the mostly empty city streets, I had the feeling someone was following me. | Then, I got a text that said, u201crun,u201d with a link to a live stream following me. |
I've watched my daughter's 3rd grade saxophone recital at least 100 times. | If I pause it at the right frame, I can almost make out the stranger that was talking to her backstage before she went missing. |
As the first person to land on Mars, I decided to prank the mission control by saying "WHAT IS THAT THING" and then going silent. | Never expected to hear "Mission Successful" from them. |
I felt like I was really getting to know my future wifeu2019s kids these past few weeks. | Now if I could only find a good way to introduce myself to her. |
My father was levitating in his room and i think he may be possessed. | That was what i thought until i saw the rope. |
Yesterday, I had to put my cat down as she had contracted rabies. | It wasn't until I felt a pain at the base of my head that I remembered she had bitten me the week before. |
For her fifth birthday, Katie had begged her parents for light-up sneakers. | She regretted it now, as the flashing lights threatened to give away her location to the man prowling her kindergarten with a gun. |
She climbed off the moaning corpse and crossed "Sex with the undead" off her bucket list. | The fact that zombie sperm also had a taste for brains came as a real, if short-lived, shock to her. |
I used to do necrophilia | I stopped when the body said "more" |
We went looking for God. | All we found was an empty, blood-stained throne. |
After 24 years, my husband was finally out of the house | That's how long it took to send him, piece by piece, as birthday presents to his mistress |
Head's Up: TSH is going dark...indefinitely | # In accordance with the results of our poll, this subreddit will be joining in on the protest of Reddit's API changes that will essentially kill all 3rd party Reddit apps.## What's going on?A recent Reddit policy change threatens to kill many beloved third-party mobile apps, making a great many quality-of-life feature... |
I sighed as I picked up the phone and said, u201c911, whatu2019s your emergency?u201d | My lack of emotion turned to despair as a voice two feet away from where I sat whispered, u201cIu2019ve just witnessed a murder.u201d |
I petted the little puppy in my arms, reading all the praises and compliments after her rescue video reached 1M views on YouTube. | With a smile I opened my phone camera, dropped her into the sewer, and started recording once again. |
The priest has been trying to exorcise me out of this body for two days, but Iu2019m not going anywhere. | Itu2019s the only way to keep them all safe from the child. |
I tried to untie her from the chair, blind and shaking. | The rope was so strange, for it felt like warm wet meat and i couldn't find the end of it yet. |
She crouched, hidden, motionless as a statue and barely breathing, hoping he wouldn't find her. | Mommy had always taught her not to leave with a stranger, and these men in helmets with hoses calling her name were strangers. |
I watched in shock as the woman threw it to the ground, and then exclaimed "I shouldn't have to pay for this as it is damaged" | The newborn on the ground was screaming in pain, as the mother continued to argue about the hospital bill |
u201cYou said youu2019ve always wanted a sibling,u201d my father said. | As he hugged me from behind with both palms on my pregnant belly, he whispered, u201cSoon you will have one.u201d |
It was on every radio station, "Cover your eyes, they can't hurt you if they can't see your eyes!" | The creatures smashed through the door as we all huddled in the corner, hands over our faces, but I could only sit and listen as they devoured my youngest who shouted as they entered, "Peek-a-boo!" |
When your brain stops getting enough oxygen, sometimes you will forget what has just happened. | When your brain stops getting enough oxygen, sometimes you will forget what has just happened. |
I opened my eyes to a message on the wall, "Run before they wipe your memory". | I opened my eyes to a message on the wall, "Run before they wipe your memory". |
My best friend finally invited me over to her house! | I knock on the door in anticipation only to have it answered, not by an oblivious little girl, but by a cop. |
The Lead Detective celebrated as I was found guilty of murdering my Wife and two children. | If only Iu2019d bullied someone else in grade school. |
I woke up to the sound of chickens chirping at each other on this fresh morning_ | _and looked out the window of my cage.How many more reincarnations before I was human again? |
I told her there was no monster in her closet as I picked her up told her she could sleep with us tonight. | I figured that was the safest way off getting her out of the house without him realizing I saw him. |
"I swear, I was just innocently walking home; I was kicking stones, and one just got away from me!" | The Father and The Holy Spirit were still angry despite my apology, claiming that the stone was rolling toward their pet-project in the Milky Way galaxy... |
I always thought those people in the zombie movies who hid their bites from their friends where dumb. | But now I'm looking up at the zombies getting cured, and I wish I had been dumber before I shot myself. |
u201cMy baby would never do something like that!u201d mommy screamed at the policeman. | Now that my little brother is gone, Iu2019m finally mommyu2019s baby again. |
u201cDid you know all humans are female while theyu2019re in the womb?u201d, she asked her son. | u201cSo in a way, you already know what it is like... Iu2019m just going to help you rememberu201d, she continued, snipping her scissors in the air. |
[AUG21] As punishment for making fun of a homeless man the other day, my mom is making me sleep in the cold garage for a night. | But jokes on her, I snagged her keys and I'm already getting sleepy in the nice warm car. |
Did you hear about the Serial Killer that slaughtered 27 brunettes across the U.S. and Canada in 2020 and 2021? | Of course you havenu2019t, Iu2019m very good at what I do. |
The GPS is telling me thereu2019s a major accident on the road ahead, but I donu2019t see one. | Maybe itu2019s just my phone, let me see if itu2019s- |
My brother and I sat down with the ouija board, and both place our hands on the planchette, | He said u201cCole are you here with me?u201d I moved the planchette to yes. |
The worst part of the Zombie Apocalypse, wasn't the deafening silence and loneliness. | It was having full consciousness and thought, but being unable to control my rotting body. |
u201cIu2019ve always wondered, whatu2019s the scythe for, anyway?u201d I asked, as Death escorted me to the underworld.u201d | u201cProtection,u201d he answered nervously. |
The young boy was taught to poke holes in boxes that housed any of the little critters he captured so they could breathe. | So when his little sister told him she had butterflies in her stomach, knife in hand, he knew what he had to do. |
In an isolated room, a group of people are assigned with a number from one to ten. | You can guess why everyone was afraid of seven. |
I opened another pack of cigarettes as she admonished me, u201cYou know, those things can kill you.u201d | It wasnu2019t until I woke up screaming into the pillow pressed down hard on my face, as a thousand cigarettes exact bloody vengeance on me for all their charred brethren, did I realize the true meaning of the phrase. |
His head strapped in place, he screamed as she pulled the guillotine, cutting it off. | Then she readjusted the small device, and told the crying man: "Get ready for the next inch." |
"Happy Birthday Ellie!" we cried out joyfully, as my daughter blew out the candles on her cake. | "That's him Officer, the man who took her" I said, pointing at the stranger in the back of the shot as the policeman paused the home video. |
After the tour Bus accident, we boarded the another bus which arrived and waiting there | When I asked the conductor why my friends weren't getting on the bus, he replied: "because they survived the accident". |
I chased him, gun in hand, as he ran down the street, screaming. | If I couldnu2019t contain patient zero, weu2019d be in serious trouble. |
"It's called Heterochromia" my little girl said, proudly pointing to her blue and green eyes. | I left her standing with the bloody orbs in her upturned palm, as I sprinted to the playroom to find her little brothers. |
They didn't understand how she'd died as she'd been bitten several times before and was immune to the virus. | When they did the autopsy, her writhing, mangled insides revealed that while she was immune, the fetus wasn't. |
Tyler's classmates always mocked him for being so overweight. | But when the plane crashed, stranding them on this barren island, they were very grateful for his plumpness. |
I leaned into the mirror, squinting as I raised the tweezers to my eyebrow to pluck a single hair that had been annoying me for a while now. | It was strangely difficult to pull, but I could only scream as I realised I had pulled out the leg of a very angry spider in my skin. |
School shooter kicked the door open to the class i was hiding in. | Good thing i already finished the ritual and the swarm of dead students mauled him in a span of seconds. |
Blood started gushing out its neck, rapidly staining the roof and walls. | Emily regretted pulling her doll's head off. |
After I killed my wifeu2019s doppelgu00e4nger, the real Amy smiled. | Then she took my wifeu2019s diary from behind her back and said, u201citu2019s a good thing I had the answers to all your questions.u201d |
I remember my granddaughters birthday like it was yesterday, as she blew out the candles she proudly proclaimed "I want Grandad to live forever!" | I tried to hide my anger with a frown at the funeral as I watched her grandsons coffin be lowered into the ground. |
The lights turn off, and I immediately race up the basement stairs. | "I almost had you that time!" I shout as he slams the basement door behind him. |
My mentally challenged brother loves finger-painting, so I let him decorate a bunch of my stuff. | Since I told him to use u201cinvisible inku201d, now itu2019s *his* prints that are all over the evidence. |
In a vision, an angel had told him, "you will leave this world with your wings stretched wide." | He learnt this to be true twelve years later, on a holy mission to the lands of the Norse. |
Grasping my little sister's hand, I sprinted through the refugee camp my family had been relocated to for our safety. | I hated to be the one to tell them that if they didn't pay the increased ransom the rebels would send the full arm next. |
"BBBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ." | The industrial fridge's overwhelming buzzing drowned out the trapped young girl's fading screams, while only a few steps away her parents left to join the search party on the 3rd night since reporting her missing. |
My stomach dropped as I turned on the TV, desperately trying to see if my son was alright after hearing the local high school was dealing with an active shooter. | My fear turned to confusion quickly - why did every news reporter know him by name? |
I immediately stopped stalking the woman Iu2019ve had a crush on for the past six months. | When I discovered dozens of pictures of me sleeping, hanging in her closet. |
When my wife came to me in a state of severe anxiety, telling me about memories being altered, I didn't think she was serious. | But when I invited my best friend over and told him, he seemed confused and said, "But you don't have a wife." |
I reminded my daughter that she had taken off her glasses so it was just her bad eyesight seeing shadows in the wardrobe. | I broke down in tears the next morning just wishing I had believed her. |
The tea was spiked. | While fading, I heard him unzip. |
Sometimes when I walk by the wall of missing children I recognize a few and a chill runs down my spine. | It passes when I remind myself how great of a plastic surgeon I am. |
The sight of my wifeu2019s lifeless body at the bottom of the stairs left my blood cold as I rushed up past her to the babyu2019s room, knowing sheu2019d probably been alone for hours in the stuffy house. | Finding the crib empty, I walked back down in a daze to check the back seat of her car in the driveway. |
As my captor forcefully tore open my clothes, I clung to my God's statue and pleaded for His divine intervention and safeguarding. | I soon realized that He was more concerned about His temple being defiled by the unholy act and chose to curse me instead. |
All three of us had seen the videos of people wrapping watermelons with rubber bands. | Two of us held the screaming kid down as the third added more and more rubber bands to his head, eagerly awaiting the final band. |
My little baby boy smiled at me while his eyes slowly closed, trying to fight the anesthetic... | I finished what I started, wiping the blood from my lips, fully fed. |
My consciousness upload worked perfectly. | The silicon chip I stare out from has been at the bottom of the sea for over a billion years. |
I wept as I said goodbye to my best friend of 12 years, watching the life drain from his eyes. | She really thought she was going to get our dog in the divorce. |
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