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I gently squeezed the trigger, whispering "my turn, asshole." | My triumphant smirk faded when, moments later, I heard a frantic radio transmission about a man down and an enemy sniper in the area. |
Honey, I shrunk the kids. | u201cStop doing this Wayneu2026u201d she said in a quiet trembling voice. u201cI still want a divorce.u201d |
As my bloodstained crew stares down at me, I realize one last thing. | Earned respect grants you a harpoon by your side, while demanded respect leaves you with naught but a harpoon in your side. |
I was in my cabin while snowed in until I heard a slow repetitive tapping at the window. | I went to the window and gasped in horror as I saw the red fleshy monster had carved its way through the snow and pressed its body against the window: It was the Icelandic Starer |
There was a long queue for the blood donation centre when I arrived today. | It's been two hours now and I'm next in line, but I haven't seen anyone come back out yet. |
As the surgeons prepared to work on my broken, bloodied body, all I thought to myself was... | Guess I should've been more careful trying to light that firework. |
"After getting out of the hospital with localized amnesia i was surprised how important and helpful my husband is, how could i forget him?" | "But sister, you live alone." |
I travelled back to gift the lookout a copy of the short story u201cFutilityu201d. | Unfortunately, he decided to do some late night reading that Sunday. |
I was glad to finally have a seat on the bus. | The seat was made out of knives |
Funny how any post here could potentially be the bearer of a real story, hidden among these other posts. | Do not go outside at 12 AM next Tuesday, or you will find out why this post exists. |
Why does it taste like sweet chicken? | I wanted a *long* pork! |
my therapist told me im delusional | i told her u201cthe big booty bandit is right behind youu201d but it was too late, as she already heard the signature clap of his big booty cheeksu2026. |
I was getting down and dirty with my buddy out in public when he started moaning "Bussss....Bus..." | I smiled, for I thought he was bout to cum, before we were both crushed against the wall by a bus. |
My 8 year old always says the darndest things | This morning he told me about a faceless man in a tuxedo. |
I wanted to live to at least 80, but I guess that wasnu2019t my destiny. | Oh well, at least i can still type with these rotting fingers. |
I went to the hospital because my friend the grape was undergoing surgery. | I did not realize that he was receiving Evil Surgery. |
We were watching a scene, we saw someone breaking into a house. | The bad feeling in my stomach got worse and worse as our security cam didnu2019t record someone leaving our house... |
I lived 93 years adhering to the principles of my faith, believing in the reward that was promised to me once my soul was released from this earthly vessel. | But I don't know how long I've been wandering in this darkness, searching for the light so I can meet my Creator. |
My glucometer read 785 and in a panic I dosed appropriately. | Several minutes later I felt progressively dizzy and weak, I struggled to get my meter and realized I held it upside down before and it read 58L. |
This sunrise wasn't like anything I had seen before | then sonic.exe killed me |
We huddled in the room, the killer just outside. | We remembered that everyone who entered this house died as the sound of heavy boots on wood filled the room. |
My family didn't want to learn how to whistle in their hands even though it would come in handy if we got lost while camping. | Turns out when I got lost and I did so, I heard a whistle back. |
I peeled away the pretty wrapper, my mouth watering. | "Would you stop screaming," I mumbled as I cast aside the sheet of skin. |
I remember when I was a child, I was traveling in a car at night looking out the window, the moon followed me everywhere. | It's 9 AM, but it's still following me. |
The first moment alone after finding out my grandma died, I hugged the stuffed bear that grandma had once told me she'd loved since she was little. | I was crying, and Mr. Teddy's eyes were wet too, but he was still smiling. |
I was pretty confused when I found a camera in my bathroom. | Then I started to find cameras all over town and started to notice that everyone was acting really weird, especially my family and friends. |
As the inventor of the first successful Time Machine, I can assure that those things you now call u201cUFOsu201d are not full of extraterrestrials. | Those crafts contain humans attempting to prevent the future destruction of Earth, and despite creating multiple timelines the outcome is always mass extinction. |
My kid woke up early and walked in on me while I was watching some, uh, private videos I made. | It was my fault for not locking my bedroom door but he wouldn't stop crying and the little idiot even threatened to go to the police, as though he somehow believed I wouldn't bring myself to snuff him too.. |
When his eyes lit up, I knew the 23 and me kit was the perfect gift for my dad. | My mom must have gotten him the same thing, seeing how pale she just turned. |
Right before I went to bed, I has decided to read a book at around 10:48 PM. | As I kept on reading, I realized it was a detailed biography of my life, and that I was going to die at 10:49 PM this same night. |
Whatu2019s red and bad for your teeth? | The sandpaper I just ground your fingernail off with - itu2019s pretty bloody, but I think it still has enough grit to use on those pearly whites. |
Before the trial, I catch my younger sister's tormentor in the bathroom, and I unleash my wrath with a furious punch. | The mirror shatters, and I cut my hand. |
I caught her cheating for the fifth time so I cut her up while she screamed that she loved me, and then I buried her in the forest behind the house. | When my Dad got back home from deployment, I sobbed and told him that mom had got into a car with another man and left us. |
I followed the trail of blood up my driveway, getting chills when it led me to my front door. | I could've sworn I dragged the body out the back. |
I gasped in horror as the prisoner guard lectured us | Whatu2019s even worse is when he said u201cand, thereu2019s no multiple choice. Show your worku201d |
The distraught woman sobbed as she watched the dashcam footage of her husband's and child's fatal accident. | Those sobs turned to seething screams of rage as she realized her husband never attempted to brake before driving full speed over the guardrail. |
We never saw scarecrows in the fields again | The crows were the last birds to go extinct |
she didnu2019t realize what she was looking at | that was until she realized it was the peepee man |
I would never do kil | But he kil |
She was crying as I cuffed her wrists to the bed's cast iron headboard. | She still was when I went in the kitchen to grab the legs. |
As the surgeons prepared to work on my broken, bloodied body, all I thought to myself was... | Guess I should've been more careful trying to light that firework. |
AITA for kicking my parents out? | The bunker was getting cramped and we were running out of food. |
The motion light turned on, but there was nothing there that I could see. | It turned itself off, but the motion light turned on again but there was nothing there that I could see. |
My son never cried, he was a peaceful sleeper and he was the most perfect baby alive | Exceptu2026he wasnu2019t alive |
"But... Mommy, you said I was Superman." | Staring up at the 3rd floor window, the little boy was simultaneously wondering why it didn't work and realized he couldn't feel anything while his mommy kept screaming. |
I grabbed the hand of my lover in a deep dark cave | Only to find corpses lined side by side and I was holding one of their hands |
Buses can't drive themselves, said my mom | Yeah? Then why is that it bus with no driver kidnap timmy |
We were taught to hate their dark green uniforms and paint them red with our bullets. | When we all met on the other side, there were no green, no red, no uniforms, only gray souls hovering over a gray battlefield in eternal agony. |
We received a distress signal from Base 9 and a team was dispatched to check it out. | That's when we realized there were only ever 8 bases. |
Everytime it gets dark out, I get really, really nervous. | It's not the the darkness per say, but rather the thing that seems to hunt me down in it. |
They said space debris could become a real problem for my generation. | Today the sun set for the last time. |
I once again saw two indiscernible figures in my darkened bathroom mirror. | I let out an agonized scream as they chanted my name for a third time and a thick, warm substance began to pour from my eyes. |
Iu2019ve stayed awake for days, not because I wasnu2019t tired. | But the last dream I had with something unknown telling me that if I ever fall asleep again, I will endure a nightmare that I wonu2019t be able to wake up from forever. |
I witnessed an alternate timeline where my mother never had any children. | It was also the one where she didn't take her own life. |
[FEB 27 10:30pm] Audio transmission from the Area 51 mortuary. | *STATIC* who ever the past CIA chief was ,he doesn't have human anatomy and the aliens signalsu2013*large explosion* |
One time a man approached me on the street and asked for my number, which I politely declined. | u201cYouu2019re lucky weu2019re in public right now.u201d |
I was surprised with tickets to my favorite celebrityu2019s concert with backstage passes. | Finally I can be the one to end her life, I couldnu2019t bare to see anyone or anything else to do it for me. |
I've sky dived so many times in the past to the point it's real relaxing to do when I feel stressed | This time I felt so relaxed I dozed off, unaware of the ground getting bigger |
u201cThose who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety" - Benjamin Franklin | But now that you've taken all my safety to give yourself more freedom, somehow I find that I have neither. |
The look on my crewu2019s faces as we beheld the the glittering treasure hoard alongside shimmering diamonds coating the cave walls was one of pure wonder akin to the cavernu2019s name. | Suddenly a great shadow was cast over one of us, and wonder turned to terror as a titanic serpent slithered out from a pile of treasure with a hungry rage in itu2019s eyes. |
The captainu2019s screams heralded his mutiny as the cockpit door crashed under the force of the food cart. | For it was within that black sea, at 47u00b09u2032S 126u00b043u2032W, that the voice announced to the passengers that they were approaching their final layover. |
Years ago I optimistically looked up the path into a bright future | I must've taken a wrong turn somewhere, because now it's dark and twistedr and talking to people only gets me weird looks |
"Here's the bag and rope you needed, but I have a question what do you need it for?" the cashier said "the rope is for me and the bag is for my daughter" | When I told him that he his face turned into a consurned face and when I told him I'll take another bag just for you he reached for his phone |
The night was cloaked in an eerie silence as the serial killer's footsteps echoed through the empty hallway, each step bringing them closer to their unsuspecting prey. | With a chilling smile, they tightened their grip on the knife, relishing in the anticipation of the hunt. |
He woke up confused, in the dark, looking around for the light. | I stood silently there, smiling, holding his eyes in the palm of my hand. |
Local news; A university experiment to resurrect a dead man succeeded, and local police officer John Fillers was brought back to live. | Obituary; Officer John Fillers, age 43, commited suicide via disembowelment using a bone saw at the University' biology department. |
My sister 'borrowed' my colorimg pencils without asking, so I took her favorite pen. | No idea why she likes it when it can't even write. |
Temperatures flaring to 85 degrees today. | Glumly I turned off BBC news. |
When I opened the door, I saw her for the first time in a long time | She was still rotting in my basement like she was 2 years ago |
Mom always told me u201cu00a1Cuidado con el chupacabra!u201d | Now i can remember how I couldnu2019t find my brother in hide and seek on the farm. |
I know I'm not perfect, but I hope the person piloting me knows I'm trying my best. | After all, why else would the ladder disappear if they didn't want me to swim until I learn how it's done? |
There was no one else in the world who knew me like he did, no one else who could tell me things about myself that even I had forgotten. | The trouble is that I just woke up in his cellar, and I've never seen this man before in my life. |
u201cBREAKING: After 145 consecutive record-setting days, this day marks the first in five months to drop in global average temperature.u201d | u201cClimate experts have theorized that the deaths of up to 4 billion people and extinction of over 57 percent of animal species are major factors contributing to the decline of greenhouse gas emissions.u201d |
With my hands finally freed, I ripped off the blindfold just as my assaulters vanished through the back door. | Blaring sirens soon celebrated the arrival of responding officers, who rushed through my door, somehow already knowing the security code. |
I made sure to bind our souls for all eternity. | As I'm on my fourth life, I ask myself how I could not have known how abusive my person is. |
"Oh Lord, what are you doing?" Raphael asked | "Nothing special, just randomly assigning cancer to children." Yahweh replied dispassionately |
u201cBet you canu2019t catch me!u201d the children laughed as they gleefully scampered away. | u201cTen seconds,u201d I said, smiling as I immediately jumped into the car and readied my foot at the pedal. |
I ran into the vault just barely making it in as the door began to close. | Only for the door to stay open as I felt the firey blast disintegrating every atom in my body. |
As i lay gasping for air, i realize it's a dream and try to wake up. | When i wake up, i see my ex sitting on top of me with his hands around my throat. |
Me and my friend were just taking our usual stroll through Central Park as we usually would do. | I was still quite surprised he hadnu2019t noticed the multiple stab wound i had just put in his back. |
I didnu2019t think twice when my lunch was crunchy. | But then I remembered I had only packed applesauce and cheese |
Today is day 10960. | I find myself no closer to my goals then day one. |
I worked tirelessly through the night laying the lethal minefield. | I canu2019t wait for the Varsity teams to run out onto the pitch and witness the ultimate prank. |
I looked down at where my leg used to be. | Well, at least the dogs might survive the blizzard. |
In the dead of night, a bloodcurdling howl echoed through the dense forest, sending shivers down the spines of those unfortunate enough to hear it. | As the moonlight pierced through the canopy, a pair of glowing yellow eyes revealed a monstrous beast, hungry for its next victim. |
Even though he protested at the time, he later thanked me for cutting his leg off and preventing the spread of the zombie bite's infection. | I didn't even know he was bitten. |
As a little joke, I told my cab driver to just take me home without giving an address. | My blood ran cold when he locked the doors and began driving towards my house. |
We mapped the great Mayan temples,the pyramids ,everything. | The only thing we found common in all these inscriptions in the temples told about a plague that will wipeu2014 |
After traveling from the year 1998 to the year 2028, I found the FBIu2019s list of most wanted fugitives rather confusing. | Theyu2019ve added each fugitiveu2019s motive as an additional descriptor, but I have no idea what u201ccloutu201d means or why itu2019s so common. |
I didnu2019t mind the loud, joyous screams from the kids playing, throwing rocks and sticks. | I was, however, a bit disturbed by the puppyu2019s tormented cries. |
My daughter told me there was someone up the attic steps. | I checked and found nothing, but when I called back down to her, all I heard was my daughter's fading screams. |
In the year 2120, when the human-AI population has gone rogue, the military decided to do a crackdown and kill them all on sight. | I didnu2019t even have a second to explain that my deformed hands were due to a birth defect. |
My friend was sobbing when she told me her son was pushed off the playground at school | I thought she was being melodramatic until I remembered the school was on a cliff |
Donu2019t worry guys, whatever problem youu2019re facing, remember that youu2019re not alone! | Look behind you, thatu2019s all the proof you need! :) |
After searching in the woods for 3 weeks I finally found the body of the missing child | Iu2019m so glad I was alone at the moment because I knew exactly how to hide it better. |
After much forethought, we decided to get a puppy to grow up with our new born. | It took 6 months to realize that we got the wrong puppy. |
"Let's always come here to celebrate your town's fiesta!" | she happily exlaimed while enthusiastically squeezing calamansi juice on her pansit. Her wide happy eyes turned into those of shock though, when human bits started to show up in her dish. |
Desperately, frantically he search what remained of his home, able to hear their screams for help | "Today I observed the patient appear to dig threw rubble for a perceived family, this combination shows promise" |
There exists a place, a resort if you will, where all one must do is think the slightest thought and "poof," they're there. | What we don't tell you, is that you don't die, and life for you and your loved ones is slowly turned into a horrifying nightmare, until from utter and complete madness, your brain implodes. |
Please turn off your bluetooth. | The President then explained how we now know it was responsible for rising cancer rates across the globe. |
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