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Mennonite tv Did you know that the Mennonite community has been making their own version of popular tv shows and movies for years, they change small things to keep it safer for their religious beliefs and community. For example this weekend I watched their version of the mandalorian, complete with baby Yoder!

Guess who just woke up to 30 missed calls from their Ex My Ex

What’s another name for a bra? A booby trap.

My girlfriend's legs are like an Oreo Because I always want to split them apart and eat the cream in between.

What's the most frequently visited place in Nevada by Dentists? Floss Vegas... I will leave now.

What brings more questions than satisfying answer?? J.J Abrams movies/shows.

You’re about to drive with your mother and your wife. Who sits in the back? You do.

More of a pun, but I was working on a Nazi Germany Jigsaw the other day. It was super hard. Jew think I’ll ever figure out the final solution, because I’ve been camped out on this one for a while.

What do ghost boobs Still are called boo bs

Someone took my latest memo, ate it, and then had to go to the toilet twice. But I am used to having my proposals poo pooed.

With the new coronavirus outbreak Worldwide, the only people who can get closer than 6 feet to us are the police So we have to tell them "Don't Stand So Close to Me."

when does a graveyard become a raveyard When the technomancer shows up

A new inmate meets his cellmate and is asked, "Do you want to be momma... or do you want to be daddy?" The new inmate was hesitant before nervously answering, "Daddy?" His cellmate says, "Alright, well get over here and suck momma's dick."

What do you call a 19 year old guy that likes to date old women? ​ Covid, cause he's 19 and takes older people to bed.

(Told this one to a girl once lol)-- Are your parents chicken farmers? Cause you´re raising my cock

Car accident A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

I told my wife I have the C Oh Fuck! You have Corona? No it’s only Cancer.

Why can’t Chinese people play cricket? Because they would eat the bat!

Why did Peter Pan never grow up? Because how can you grow a Pixar film?

A man walks into a butcher shop... and asks for the meat from the top shelf. The butcher says “Sorry friend but the steaks are too high.”

I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it. I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.

My friend who lives in Michigan just had his toilet stolen. Can’t have shit in Detroit.

What’s the difference between Horny and hungry? Where you put the cucumber.

What do Apache men like the most? A Navajo.

The Middle East discovered their patient zero His name is al-Khwarantin

Hear about the blonde who froze to death at the Drive-in movie? She went to see "Closed For The Winter".

My girlfriend tried to cut off my penis but missed She'll be charged with a missed da Weiner

What was the rallying cry of the trio of rotting leaves? d'three of us matter!

What did the villain say when he got his legs chopped off Oh no I’ve been defeeted

With all the bars closed, how horribly ironic is it that Joe Diffie died? We can't even prop him up beside the juke box.

The lead singer of Disturbed has decided he’s not going to self quarantine after contracting Covid-19 He’s down with the sickness

Why was the horse named Mayo? Because Mayo neighs!!!!!!

Essential retail workers still have to deal with stuck-up shoppers who just won't stay home. They're in karentine.

Donald Trump has been tested.. He managed to get the square into the square slot but struggled with the triangle and circle.

What kind of make up should you wear during a pandemic? Mask-ara

This is a translated joke form my country (Ethiopia) Two mental patients were walking when they spotted an odd thing on their path and they started arguing about what it was. Patient one said "It looks like honey" but patient two argued "No this is definitely poo" so they argued for quite sometime until they figured out a solution, one of them would taste it and settle this once an for all so they flipped a coin and patient one (who argued it was honey) got on his knees to taste this odd thing so he stuck out his tongue and licked it and to his shock found out this was not honey and it was indeed shit he then looked up to patient one with relief and said "Good thing we didn't step on it".

My dad really cares about me He has been practicing social distancing for 20 years now

My mom is pissed at me for giving her COVID-19 She says we got it because I’m not playing Xbox all the damn time

I asked my North Korean friend, “what’s it like to live in North Korea?” He responded, “can’t complain.”

Mom, are we pyromaniacs? Yes we arson.

The best thing about knitting squirrels is that their nuts about cuneiform You can even pay them in peanuts until they unionize and start demanding pistachios

What did the Australian teacher say to his talkative literature class Excuse me everyone please stop Tolkien

Did you here about the new movie coming out about the corona virus? It’s directed by Tentin Quarantino.

Someday the world will end... Maybe not today, Maybe not tomorrow, Probably Wednesday.

I just got temporarily relocated due to downsizing And moved into a condo until my family can join me. As I was unpacking, my neighbor came over to introduced himself and even offered to help me get setup. As he was leaving, he said “hey, I’m having a party tomorrow night and you are more than welcome to come. There will be lots of of food, fun and if all goes well, some frolicking”. I said, “That sounds great! What should I wear?” He replied, “It doesn’t matter, it will just be you and me.”

Trump, Putin and Merkel were standing at the North Sea and arguing which country has the best submarines... Trump, Putin and Merkel were standing at the North Sea and arguing which country has the best submarines. Trump: "Our submarines are the best! They can stay under water for 4 months without the need to refuel!" Putin: "Pah! That's nothing! Our submarines can stay under water for 1 year without the need to refuel!" Just when Merkel wants to say something, bubbles suddenly start appearing in the water and a submarine appears. The hatch opens and a man appears, saying: "Heil Hitler! Where can I get some fuel?"

I was so mad about getting the bloody coronavirus, I've told everyone I know. I feel better now though. Turns out, I just needed to vent.

A redneck had been having sex with his girlfriend for three straight hours. After all that exertion, he told her he needed to stop because he was starting to get a painful cramp in his back. She didn't want to stop, though, and begged him to keep going. Flattered by her request, he thought hard about continuing. He had to work the next day digging holes and couldn't afford to call in sick, though. So sadly he told her he really, really had to stop. "Oh, please," she begged, "can't you do something for me, anything?" The rowdy redneck thought for a second and replied, "I've got nuttin' for ya."

I think I’ll self- isolate in a tent.. And change my name to Tentin Quarantino.

I asked my wife if Trumps “stimulus” got her excited... She replied, “Well yeah, if it’s money” It was the first time that she’d said anything positive about the man. Then, “I guess now I know how his wives feel.”

I joined this subreddit Because my life is like a grandpa telling a joke. Goes on and on and has no point at the end.

Humans from a parallel universe, where things are vastly different have technologically developed far enough such that the can travel to another universe They start by finding the human civilisations in other universes. After looking around a while, they found a magical land where if a body is at rest or moving at a constant speed in a straight line, it will remain at rest or keep moving in a straight line at constant speed unless it is acted upon by a force. Fascinated by this and wanting to harness it, the humans sent one of their own to the planet. Years pass and the human finally comes back. When asked about the mysterious power, he said "Because of inertia". The other humans did not understand what that meant and thought that the speech of the people on that planet had affected him. As such they thought he meant that the mysterious power was only in Ertia which they assumed to be the planet. Still wanting to harness the power, they unleashed a deadly plague on that planet and wiped them out, and then inhabiting it themselves for generations and generations.

A recently divorced man... A recently divorced man, feeling a bit down in the dumps, heads to his local bar. After about 15 minutes, a beautiful woman sits down next to him and strikes up a conversation. They’re getting along great, talking away, when the woman confides to him that her husband divorced her because he thought she was too kinky. The man brightens up and says “what a coincidence-my wife divorced ME because she thought I was too kinky”. Well, one thing leads to another and they decide to go to her place. They get there and she tells him “have a seat on the couch and I’ll slip into something more comfortable”. She goes into the bedroom and starts to change and pulls out all the stops: Bullet bra, bustier, high heels, riding crop, etc. As she comes back into the living room she sees the guy heading out the door. She says “hey-where are you going?” The guy says well…..I’ve already fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I’m outta here!!

three statisticians walk into a bar and the barman asks do you all want a beer? the first says I don’t know. the second says I don’t know. the third says yes please.

Distance matters Six feet apart or six feet under....

Have you guys seen Garfield lately? Heard that he was in catainment

Did you hear about the angry Air Force Registered Nurse? They’re mad AF RN.

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye.” The bartender says: “Yeah, right! I’ve never seen anyone do that!” So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says: “I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye.” Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says: “I just saw you walk in here, you can’t be blind!” So, to the bartenders dismay, he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye.

What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff

Jack off to all trades, masturbate to none. The full saying

What do you get when you mix a gnome plus a Ricardo and a streamer with around 6 million subscribers? Mini Ladd

A man crossing London Bridge sees a pretty woman struggling to keep her mini skirt down in the wind so he says : A bit airy isn't it? She replied: What the ell you expect feathers?

What Do You Call A Cheap Circumcision? What do you call a cheap circumcision? ...A rip-off...

My wife said she wanted me to have a threesome with her and another guy however she wanted me to get to know the other fellla first It was a mandate

Chickens lay eggs, but who lays the chickens? The rooster of course!

What was the name of the pirate that loved pissing on people? Aaaarghh Kelly

I can't take my dog to the pond for exercise because the ducks keep attacking him That's what you get for buying a pure bread dog

How do you put a baby in a bottle? Blender How do you get him out? Chips

A local shoe factory burnt down the other day... This can only mean one thing: Evil is afoot!

Coronavirus is having a huge impact on my local area My favourite strip club is clothed

Wife & Husband Wife: "Do you want anything yo eat?" Husband: "What are the choices?" Wife: "Yes or fucking No."

A classic Canadian Joke. A Mainlander is driving down the highway and runs over a rabbit. Wondering what noise was, he stops his car and gets out to look. While he's standing there a newfie pulls up and asks him what's going on. The mainlander says, "I'm just here visiting your fair province and I seem to have killed one of your animals." The newfie takes a look at the rabbit and says, "No problem, by’s. Hang'er down a few." The newfie then goes to his truck and gets an aerosol spray-can, which he proceeds to empty onto the rabbit. When he's done he chucks the empty and says, "There ya go, me son. Enjoy yer stay" then gets in his truck and takes off. The rabbit gets up, hops 10 feet towards the woods, turns around and waves, hops another 10 feet, turns around and waves, hops another 10 feet, and finally disappears into the woods. The Mainlander is blown away. Wondering what the newfie did, he grabs the can out of the ditch and reads the label, which says: "Hair spray. Gauranteed to bring dead hair back to life with a permanent wave"

I paid a black magician I was worried about these uncertain times. To protect myself and my energy, I paid a black magician a witch $10k. She performed some weird rituals and said, "Now, you're protected. Only *positive* things shall happen to you." She was right! I tested *positive* for Coronavirus.

Do you know what's the worst streaming service when you're already stuck at home sick? DirecTB.

Going to the grocery store in 2020 be as risky as raw dogging in 1985 At least back then you got laid

TIL that Diarrhea is actually hereditary. It runs in your jeans

Knock knock “Who’s there” “You” “You who?” “Big summer blow out”

The Coronavirus cure is going to come from Wish.com It will come from China and could take 6-18 months to get here

A german guy was peeing on a wall in public. A girl passed by. Girl: Gross German guy: Thanks!

I don’t always go the extra mile... But when I do, it’s because I missed my exit.

I wrote a song about the coronavirus. It took drastic measures.

With everything crazy going on I do have to admit. We are facing an outbreak Of Paranoia!!!

Each computer language's first program was called "Hello, world!" ... but not anymore. We have arrived at "Hello, home!"

A woman walks into a doctor's office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an H-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman. "Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Harvard graduate, he insists on wearing his Harvard shirt when we have sex." The doctor gives the woman a prescription for her rash, and the woman leaves. Then another woman walks into the office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an Y-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman. "Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Yale graduate, he insists on wearing his Yale shirt when we have sex." The doctor gives the woman a prescription for her rash, and the woman leaves. Then another woman walks into the office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an W-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman. "Let me guess," said the doctor, "your dating a Washington graduate?" "No, she's a Michigan graduate."

Area 51 Gaurds V.S. Wife You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?” Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane… only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”

What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesnt matter what you call him, he isn't coming.

If a group of bunnies is called a fluffle, and a group of crows are considered a murder Then a group of humans right now can be considered illegal

I'm running out of things to watch on TV. I just finished a movie about five families of fish competing for control of the reef... It was called "The Codfather".

What do you call a bunny if it makes jokes and puns? Bugs Punny

The boredom of self isolation. Day (9) Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a naked flame to the base, it eventually gets sucked in? If you did know this, and you know how to get it out, please message me ...............Urgently.

What do you call Dracula when he doesn't know what to say next? An Umpire

I'm well known for making my fortune in the mattress industry It's why they call me "Bed Company", and I can't deny.

I made a chicken salad this morning Stupid thing won't even eat it.

The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick. I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.

Two blind pilots enter a plane. They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it Stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets Smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence. The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke. In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die."

I don’t know how to fix my little brother’s electric guitar. And I already tried tuning it off and back on again.

Seven Mary Three went to the government office to register their band name, Because that's how bands get started, And they were like "Seven Mary!" to which the person at the desk responded "Sorry but that's taken" so they went, "How about Seven Mary 2 then?" and he goes "Sorry but that's taken as well." Finally they went "Seven Mary 3?" and the rest is cumbersome Matter of fact that's what they wrote the song about, it's about how cumbersome that experience was Totally fucking crazy!

Hey, is your name Corona? Because you put the cute, in acute respiratory failure

I told my boss I needed a raise, and that I had three companies after me. “Three companies?!” “Oh yeah.” “All right, fine, here’s your raise. By the way, which three companies?” “Gas, Water, and Electric.”

I lived in a flat with three girls Until they found out.