Q: Please advise me
A: music/art follows ridiculous rules. no scientist alive today can figure out exactly 'what' even is 'good' exactly. a huge amount of reverse psychology is at play. that's why it makes sense to me when you say you can't do it when you try, and you can do it when you don't try. sure, i can say "don't try", but that's easier said than done, especially if you really want it. but i think if you can accept the fact that it will come, you just don't know when, then you can feel ok waiting for it. get comfortable with the notes, while you are waiting. kind of like getting yourself comfortable in a waiting room chair