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GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Comedy club)
You know, why we're here? To be out, this is out...and out is one of the single most enjoyable experiences of life. People...did you ever hear people talking about "We should go out"? This is what they're talking about...this whole thing, we're all out now, no one is home. Not one person here is home, we're all out! There are people tryin' to find us, they don't know where we are. (imitates one of these people "tryin' to find us"; pretends his hand is a phone) "Did you ring?, I can't find him." (imitates other person on phone) "Where did he go?" (the first person again) "He didn't tell me where he was going". He must have gone out. You wanna go out: you get ready, you pick out the clothes, right? You take the shower, you get all ready, get the cash, get your friends, the car, the spot, the reservation...There you're staring around, whatta you do? You go: "We gotta be getting back". Once you're out, you wanna get back! You wanna go to sleep, you wanna get up, you wanna go out again tomorrow, right? Where ever you are in life, it's my feeling, you've gotta go.
Jerry
null
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
Seems to me, that button is in the worst possible spot. (talking about George's shirt) The second button literally makes or breaks the shirt, look at it: it's too high! It's in no-man's-land, you look like you live with your mother.
Jerry
null
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
Are you through? (kind of irritated)
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
You do of course try on, when you buy?
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
Yes, it was purple, I liked it, I don't actually recall considering the buttons.
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
Oh, you don't recall?
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
(pretends he's talking into a microphone) Uh, no, not at this time.
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
Well, senator, I just like to know, what you knew and when you knew it. (a waitress approaches the table)
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
Mister Seinfeld. (she pours coffee in his cup) Mister Costanza. (she wants to pour coffee, but George stops her)
Waitress
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
Are, are you sure this is decaf? Where's the orange indicator?
George
Waitress
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
It's missing, I have to do it in my head: decaf left, regular right, decaf left, regular right...it's very challenging work. (ironically)
Waitress
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
Can you relax, it's a cup of coffee, Claire is a professional waitress.
Jerry
Waitress
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
Trust me George: no one has any interest in seeing you on caffeine. (she pours the coffee and walks away)
Waitress
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
How come you're not doin' the second show tomorrow?
George
Waitress
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
Well, there's this uh, woman might be comin' in.
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
Wait a second, wait a second, what coming in, what woman is coming in?
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
I told you about Laura, the girl I met in Michigan?
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
No, you didn't!
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
I thought I told you about it, yes, she teaches political science? I met her the night I did the show in Lansing...(looks in the milk can) There's no milk in here, what...
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
Wait wait wait, what is she, (takes the milk can from Jerry and puts it on the table) what is she like?
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
Oh, she's really great. I mean, she's got like a real warmth about her and she's really bright and really pretty and uh...the conversation though, I mean, it was...talking with her is like talking with you, but, ya know, obviously much better.
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
(with a big smile) So, ya know, what, what happened?
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
Oh, nothing happened, ya know, but it was great.
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
Oh, nothing happened, but it was...
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
Yeah.
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
This is great!
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
Yeah.
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
So, ya know, she calls and says she wants to go out with you tomorrow night? God bless! Devil you!
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
Yeah, well...not exactly. I mean, she said, you know, she called this morning and said she had to come in for a seminar and maybe we'll get together.
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
(whistles disapproving) Ho ho ho, "Had to"? "Had to come in"?
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
Yeah, but...
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
"Had to come in" and "maybe we'll get together"? "Had to" and "Maybe"?
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
Yeah!
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
No...no...no, I hate to tell you this: you're not gonna see this woman.
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
(indignant) What, are you serious...why, why did she call?
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
How do I know, maybe, ya know, maybe she wanted to be polite.
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
To be polite? You are insane!
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
All right, all right, I didn't want to tell you this, you wanna know why she called you?
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
Yes!
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
You're a back-up, you're a second-line, a just-in-case, a B-plan of contingency!
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
Oh, I get it, this is about the button.
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
(The waitress(Claire) passes the table; George stops her and writes something on his note-block) Claire, Claire, you're a woman, right?
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
What gave it away, George?
Claire
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
Uhm...I'd like to ask you...ask you to analyze a hypothetical phone call, ya know, from a female point of view.
George
Claire
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
(to George) Oh, come on now, what are you asking her? Now, how is she gonna know?
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
(to Claire) Now, a woman calls me, all right? She says she has to (makes some gestures to accent "has to") come to New York on business...
George
Claire
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
Oh you are beautiful! (ironically)
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
and, and maybe (again some gestures) she'll see me when she gets there, does this woman intend to spend time with me?
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
I'd have to say: uuhh, no. (George shows his note-block to Jerry, it says very largely: NO)
Claire
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
(to Claire) So why did she call?
George
Claire
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
To be polite.
Claire
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
To be polite, I rest my case.
George
Claire
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
Good. Did you have fun? You have no idea, what you're talking about, now, come on, come with me (stands up), I, I gotta go get my stuff out of the dryer anyway.
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
I'm not gonna watch you do laundry.
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
Oh, come on, be a "come-with-guy".
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
Come on, I'm tired.
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
(to Jerry) Don't worry, I gave him a little caffeine: he'll perk up.
Claire
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.)
(takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes; panics) Right, I knew I felt something...! (Jerry is laughing, Claire walks away with a smile)
George
Claire
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers)
Jerry? I have to tell ya somethin':...this is the dullest moment I've ever experienced. (walks away from the dryer; a man passes George and Jerry)
George
null
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers)
Well, look at this guy! Look, he's got everything, he's got: detergents, sprays, fabric softeners; this is not his first load.
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers)
I need a break, Jerry, ya know, I gotta get out of the city, I feel so cramped...
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers)
And you didn't even hear how she sounded.
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers)
What?!
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers)
Laura.
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers)
I can't believe: (falls on his knees)
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers)
Yeah, but how could you be so sure?
Jerry
We Already Discussed This!
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers)
(gets up) 'Cause it's signals, Jerry (starts snapping his fingers), it's signals! Don't you....all right. Did she even ask you, what you were doin' tomorrow night, if you were busy?
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers)
No.
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers)
She calls you today and she doesn't make a plan for tomorrow? What is that? It's Saturday night!
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers)
Yeah.
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers)
What is that? It's ridiculous! (Jerry bobs agreeingly) You don't even know, what hotel she's staying at, you can't call her. That's a signal, Jerry, that's a signal! (snaps his fingers again) Signal!
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers)
Maybe you're right.
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers)
Maybe I'm right? Of course I'm right.
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers)
This is insane. You know, I don't even know where she's staying! She, she's not gonna call me, this is unbelievable.
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers)
(puts an arm around Jerry and whispers) I know, I know. (normal voice) Listen, your stuff has to be done by know, why don't you just see if it's dried?
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers)
No no no, don't interrupt the cycle. The machine is working, it, it knows what it's doing, just let it finish.
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers)
You're gonna "overdry" it.
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers)
You, you can't "overdry".
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers)
Why not?
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers)
Same as you can't "overwet". (George looks puzzled) You see, once something is wet, it's wet. Same thing with dead: like once you die you're dead, right? Let's say you drop dead and I shoot you: you're not gonna die again, you're already dead. You can't "overdie", you can't "overdry".
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers)
(looks at the other persons in the laundry and says to them pointing to Jerry) Any questions?
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers)
How could she not tell me where she was staying? (George stands by the dryer again and secretly opens it: the dryer stops working and George closes the lid)
Jerry
George
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers)
(points to the dryer) Look at that: they're done! It's a miracle! (Jerry looks surprised)
George
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Comedy club)
"Laundry-day" is the only exciting day in the live of clothes. It is...no, think about it: the washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. Ya know, it's dark, there's bubbles happening, they're all kind a dancing around in there...shirt grabs the underwear: "C'mon babe, let's gather". You come by, you open up the lid and they'll: (shows how clothes are acting when you open the lid)...Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. They hate their lives, they're in the shoes with stinky feet, the boring drawers...the dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. They knew a escape from the dryer. They plan it in the hamper, the night before: (sock's voice) "Tomorrow, the dryer, I'm goin'...you wait here!" The dryer-door swings open and the sock is waiting up against the side wall. They hope you don't see him and then he goes down the road (shows how the sock is going down the road). They got buttons sewed on their faces: join the puppet show...So they're showing me on television the detergent for getting out blood-stains...Is this a violent image to anybody? Blood-stains? I mean, I, come on, you got a T-shirt with blood-stains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now...Maybe you oughta get the harpoon out your chest first.
Jerry
null
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV)
(The phone rings. He picks it up and says:) If you know what happened in the Mets-game, don't say anything, I taped it, hello... Yeah, no, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number...Yeah, no (somebody knocks at the door) Yeah? (to the door, while still at the phone)
Jerry
null
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV)
(enters) Are you up?
Kramer
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV)
(To Kramer) Yeah...(in the phone) Yeah, people do move! Have you ever seen the big trucks out on the street? Yeah, no problem (hangs up the phone).
Jerry
Kramer
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV)
Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh?
Kramer
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV)
(upset) Ooohhhh, what are you doing? Kramer, it's a tape! (actually I can't understand the name; maybe "Kramer" wasn't named "Kramer" in the pilot!) I taped the game, it's one o'clock in the morning! I avoided human contact all night to watch this.
Jerry
Kramer
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV)
Hey, I'm sorry, I...ya know, I, I thought you knew...(takes two loaves of bread out of his pockets) You got any meat?
Kramer
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV)
(a little irritated) Meat? I don't, I don't know, go...hunt! (Kramer walks to the refrigerator and sticks his head in) Well what, what happened in the game anyway?
Jerry
Kramer
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV)
(still with his head in the refrigerator) What happened? Well, they STUNK, that's what happened! (takes some meat from the refrigerator and closes it) Ya know, I almost wound up going to that game.
Kramer
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV)
(cynical) Yeah you almost went to the game. You haven't been out of the building in ten years!
Jerry
Kramer
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV)
Yeah. (Jerry sits down on the couch. Kramer sits down next to him and starts turning over the pages of a magazine. Suddenly he spots an article he likes and tears it out. Jerry looks at him with a "what-the-h...-are-you-doing-look" and Kramer asks:) Are you done with this?
Kramer
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV)
No.
Jerry
Kramer
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV)
(glues the article back with his own saliva and puts the magazine back on the table) When you're done, let me know.
Kramer
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV)
Yeah, yeah...you can have it tomorrow.
Jerry
Kramer
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV)
I thought I wasn't allowed to be in here this weekend.
Kramer
Jerry
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV)
No, it's OK now, that, that girl is not comin' uh, I, I misread the whole thing.
Jerry
Kramer
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
(Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV)
You want me to talk to her?
Kramer
Jerry