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THE DENTIST IN THE DITCH TEASER (Fade in: Exterior -- Civil w*r reenactment site -- daytime. Soldiers walking about, riding horses, marching in formation. Indistinct conversation.) (Cut to: Two reenactors, Union soldier JASPER ALMAN and Confederate soldier DUVAL MILTOE, walking past a unit marching in formation.) ALMAN: Sayler's Creek was the beginning of the end for the South. MILTOE: We dug in and held you Yankees off for two days. ALMAN: Pfft. Which is why we live in the Confederate States of America, I guess, right? (Cut to: MILTOE digging a ditch in an old, dry creek bed as ALMAN stands by watching.) MILTOE: Our boys had set up a perimeter along this here creek. If we had been able to get supplies-... ALMAN: Oh, I hate to rub it in, Duvall, but you Rebels had more soldiers surrender at Farmville than in any other battle of the w*r. You could always switch sides, you know; join the winners. MILTOE: What the-... (brushes leaves away from what appears to be the bones of a leg) ALMAN: (kneeling to help clear debris; uncovers a hand) What is this? MILTOE: Oh, my God. Is that a d*ad soldier? (ALMAN continues to clear debris; uncovers a skull. Both reenactors jump up.) MILTOE: That's one of them Yankees we k*lled. ALMAN: Yankee? That's a... That's a Rebel Yell if I've ever seen one. MILTOE: He's screaming for his mother; that's how you can tell he's a Yankee. ALMAN: General Sheridan, we got a d*ad Rebel over here, sir. MILTOE: No, way. (calling out to nearby reenactors) d*ad Yankee! ALMAN: Yes, we do! d*ad Rebel! (Close up on the skull still buried in the ditch, as ALMAN and MILTOE continue to argue over the indistinct exclamations of gathering reenactors.) ALMAN (O.S.): Rebel! MILTOE (O.S.): Yankee! ALMAN (O.S.): Clearly a Rebel! MILTOE (O.S.): Clearly a Yankee! (Cut to: Exterior establishing sh*t -- Hoover Building -- daytime.) (Cut to: Interior -- Hoover Building -- SPECIAL AGENT SEELY BOOTH's office. BOOTH is doing paperwork as JARED BOOTH appears in the open doorway.) JARED: Is that work or Solitaire? BOOTH: Ha-ha, little brother; look at you. (BOOTH rounds his desk.) Hey! JARED: (enters the office and hugs BOOTH) How are you? BOOTH: Hey, good to see you. I thought you were biking across India. JARED: I was. You know what else? I survived. BOOTH: (returning to his chair) Survived. JARED: (laughs as they sit across from each other) I biked through Sikkim. I hiked to the top of Himachal Pradesh. I even learned a few dirty jokes in Hindi. You want to hear one? BOOTH: You didn't get yourself in any more trouble, did you? JARED: Not unless you count falling in love. BOOTH: Wow. Falling in love. Really? How? JARED: I was swimming with elephants in the Andaman Islands, when out of nowhere, Padme swan dives off a cliff, nearly k*lling both of us. BOOTH: Padme? JARED: Padme Dalaj. It's a beautiful name, right? Seely... I'm thinking of asking this girl to marry me. BOOTH: You... Congratulations. That's... (phone rings) I gotta get that; it's my special m*rder line. JARED: (laughs) Okay... You... You go ahead and save the world. BOOTH: All right, I'll...ah... I'll catch up with you later, okay? JARED: All right. BOOTH: Okay. (Answers phone as JARED exits the office.) Booth. (Cut to: Exterior -- Civil w*r reenactment site -- daytime. BOOTH and DR. TEMPERANCE BRENNAN are walking from their vehicle to the site of the recently discovered skeletal remains.) BOOTH: Jared's only known her for a month. One month. BRENNAN: Confederate soldiers at Farmville were so hungry, they scavenged seed and corn from horse excrement. BOOTH: Tasty. But, who marries someone after a month? BRENNAN: I thought you believed in love at first sight. BOOTH: Only in the movies, all right? And, not for Jared. (BOOTH and BRENNAN arrive at the ditch, where MILTOE and ALMAN are still standing.) BOOTH: Oh-ho! Look at this. What is with the red dirt? MILTOE: Well, the pine needles left behind tannic acid, which acts like red dye. BOOTH: (to BRENNAN) Who are these guys? BRENNAN: (descending into the creek to look over the remains) Well, he's right. And, years of tobacco farming drained the land of nutrients. ALMAN: Which caused the topsoil to wash away, which left behind red clay. BRENNAN: You're better informed scientifically than your attire might suggest. MILTOE: Well, as amateur historians, we've studied this battle, the terrain, military maneuvers... BOOTH: You don't say? ALMAN: (to BRENNAN) Could you, by any chance, tell us if that's a fallen Union soldier, or a d*ad Rebel? BRENNAN: The angle of the jaw indicates male. Otherwise... (shaking her head) I can't tell anything until I get the remains back to the lab. BOOTH: (to the Crime Scene Technicians) All right, you know what? We're going to need a backhoe. BRENNAN: And a cement cutter. BOOTH: (to the Crime Scene Technicians) And a cement cutter. (to BRENNAN, O.S.) You really love the heavy machinery. (Cut to: Exterior establishing sh*t -- the Jeffersonian Institute -- daytime.) (Cut to: Interior -- Jeffersonian Medico-Legal Lab. BRENNAN, DR. CAMILLE SAROYAN, and VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY are on the platform discussing the body, still incased in a block of red clay.) BRENNAN: This trauma to the sternum is degraded. It's as though the bone demineralized over time. CAM: Maybe he got bayoneted, and then the clay leeched out the calcium. VINCENT: During the American Civil w*r, diseases such as typhoid fever, dysentery, and tuberculosis k*lled twice as many men as battle wounds. (BRENNAN begins reviewing x-rays on the computer.) CAM: That could be relevant. BRENNAN: It is not. CAM: Why? BRENNAN: This was not a Civil w*r casualty. VINCENT: Ah. Reconstructive surgery. BRENNAN: (points to the x-ray of an elbow joint) Titanium screws. VINCENT: Which were not introduced until the mid-60s. (quickly, after a look from CAM) Completely relevant to the matter at hand, I believe. (CAM begins looking over the block of clay with a flashlight.) BRENNAN: It's going to be very difficult to extract the remains from this clay without damaging the bones. VINCENT: Perhaps we could spray it with liquid nitrogen? Give it a short, sharp shock? BRENNAN: No, freezing the clay with gas would make the bones brittle and destroy evidence. VINCENT: But, as an idea...the fast-freezing option, it needed stating. (BRENNAN gives VINCENT a bemused look. CAM has focused her light on a crack in the side of the block of clay; a large number of small spiders begin crawling out. CAM screams and backs away quickly.) CAM: Whoa! BRENNAN: What...what happened? CAM: (pointing to the crack) Spiders. I don't like spiders, and... VINCENT: (sees the spiders) Oh. CAM: ...there are thousands of little spiders coming out of... VINCENT: I'll go get Hodgins. (runs off the platform) CAM: Uh... I really don't like spiders. BRENNAN: I don't mind them, actually. (Fade to: Opening Credits) ACT 1 (Fade in: Interior -- Jeffersonian Medico-Legal Lab. DR. JACK HODGINS is vacuuming up the spiders, still crawling around the floor. VINCENT is examining the skull, while CAM is standing off to the side, clearly still intimidated by the spiders.) HODGINS: The spider eggs were on the body before it was encased in the clay. The heat in the lab caused the eggs to hatch, and when you shone your flashlight, they headed for the light. VINCENT: Based on mandibular dentition, the victim is late-20s, early-30s. CAM: Dr. Hodgins, I can...uh...still see one in his mouth. HODGINS: Yup. (vacuums the skull's mouth) These bad boys are Frontinella communis; they're non-poisonous. CAM: Yeah, still with those gross spider faces and legs, though... HODGINS: This spider's not found in the area where the body was discovered. (CAM begins scratching herself.) VINCENT: Indicating that the victim was probably offed elsewhere. CAM: Any idea how to...uh...remove the body from the sediment? HODGINS: Well, I mean, if we remove the moisture from the clay, then it should just fall away without affecting the bones, at all. I just need four dehumidifiers. (notices CAM scratching) You okay, there, Dr. Saroyan? CAM: Yeah, I'm just...itchy all over. I'm gonna go burn all of these clothes, and maybe my hair. (exits the platform) VINCENT: Some male spiders are known to actually...to pluck their webs like a guitar, to attract the females. HODGINS: Someone should tell them it's drummers that get the girls. (Cut to: Exterior establishing sh*t -- Founding Fathers -- daytime.) (Cut to: Interior -- Founding Fathers' dining room. JARED and PADME DALAJ are sitting at a table across from BOOTH.) PADME: We were in Bangalore visiting the Karnataka Belur Temple, when a pickpocket stole my wallet. Jared climbed onto the roof of a building and tackled the thief. (laughs) JARED: You know all that hero stuff? I learned it from my big brother. That, along with hotwiring a car and stealing cable. PADME: Jared's very proud of you. BOOTH: Yeah... What can I say? You know, it's normal big brother stuff, that's all. I'm amazed how good your English is: it's perfect. PADME: That happens when you grow up in Alexandria, Virginia. I'm third-generation American. BOOTH: Yes, you are. (to JARED) Thank you for setting me up and making me look like an idiot. JARED: Yeah, it's just normal little brother stuff. BOOTH: So, basically, you went all the way to India to meet a girl who lives down the street from you? JARED: Seely thinks every decision I make is wrong. PADME: (pacifying) Like you said, typical big brother. JARED: Yeah. BOOTH: (chuckles) So, what is it you do for a living, Padme? JARED: She's a bank robber. BOOTH: It's a normal question, you know? She's very glamorous; I thought maybe she worked at some glamorous job. PADME: Hardly; I teach grade school. JARED: Seely's got a kid in third grade. His name's Parker. PADME: There's no one named Parker at my school. JARED: She's the kids' favorite teacher, Seely. (kisses PADME) (Cut to: Interior -- Jeffersonian Medico-Legal Lab. VINCENT is working on the victim's teeth as BRENNAN enters onto the platform.) VINCENT: Phosphate and calcium have leaked from the bones into the clay in several places, making the bones softer and the clay harder. BRENNAN: I see you started with dentition. VINCENT: Interesting juxtaposition: Substandard dental work, but top-of-the-line materials. I thought that might help with identification. BRENNAN: I've seen that before in people who get their treatment for free at a dental school. VINCENT: Suggesting that the victim was poor. BRENNAN: Specious leap, Mr. Nigel-Murray. The hook of the hamate shows wear from torque, rotational force, and repeated tugging... VINCENT: (begins to speak, then thinks better of it) I only have inappropriate comments off the phrase "repeated tugging." BRENNAN: These are occupational markers for many professions, including funeral directors, surgeons, dentists, mechanics... VINCENT: (catching BRENNAN's hint) A dentist would most likely have his dental work done by other students, while in dental school. That would explain the work on his teeth. BRENNAN: Mm-hmm. Next, I'd like theories as to what might have caused the initial damage to the sternum. VINCENT: E-even though it's been severely degraded by demineralization? BRENNAN: Yes. VINCENT: Okay. (BRENNAN begins to leave) I'll have to remove the rest of the clay, first. (quietly, to himself) Oh, I will get you to praise me, Dr. Brennan. I will have you look at me with admiration and astonishment at all-... BRENNAN: I'm sorry, Mr. Nigel-Murray; were you talking to me? VINCENT: No, Dr. Brennan, I was simply... I was running through my...uh...knowledge...of clay. (Cut to: Interior -- BOOTH's car -- daytime. BOOTH is driving BRENNAN to the victim's house.) BRENNAN: You think your brother's girlfriend is hinky? Is that slang for "pretty" or "buxom?" BOOTH: No, it's just slang for "iffy." BRENNAN: Well, "iffy" is already slang. I don't see the need for slang for slang. BOOTH: Okay, look, the point is, there was just a...a hinky vibe between me and her. Look, you know what? I don't expect you to understand, Bones. The victim's dental records confirm his identity. BRENNAN: (takes a file folder from BOOTH and opens) Dan Pinard. BOOTH: Mm-hmm. BRENNAN: Dentist. Lives alone. Are they happy together? BOOTH: What? BRENNAN: Jared and Padme; do they seem happy? You've put a high premium on feelings. BOOTH: Don't go twisting this around, Bones. BRENNAN: Well, you used to think that people could find true love. BOOTH: I still do, okay? But, this is Jared, all right? He only just got sober. BRENNAN: Well, if he's sober, he should be able to find love. I don't understand the rules. BOOTH: Ah, there are no rules; there's just life, okay? There's just life. (Cut to: Exterior -- Dan Pinard's house -- daytime. BOOTH and BRENNAN arrive in the truck, pulling in the driveway full of paving stones and construction equipment. They exit the truck and approach the house.) BRENNAN: Big house for a single man. BOOTH: Looks like he's doing some serious remodeling, huh? Door's open. Hold on. (draws his g*n as he approaches the front door) (Cut to: Interior -- Dan Pinard's house. BOOTH and BRENNAN enter the front door. There is the sound of a sports program on television emanating from nearby. They pass through the living room and dining room and enter the den, finding LUCAS PICKFORD sitting on the couch.) BOOTH: Hands up. PICKFORD: (stands quickly, hands raised) No, no, no. Okay. Okay, this is not what it looks like; I'm allowed to be here. BOOTH: Who are you? PICKFORD: Uh, Lucas Pickford. My-my Social Security number is three zero eight, one two-... BOOTH: Okay, Mr. Pickford, what are you doing here? PICKFORD: I'm Danny's contractor. I-I live over the garage. He said I could come in any time and use his TV. BRENNAN: (as BOOTH lowers his g*n) Danny is d*ad. PICKFORD: He's d*ad? That's where he's been? BOOTH: Oh, that's right; he's been d*ad. PICKFORD: I thought he just...met someone. Danny once took off for three weeks and never said a word. BOOTH: (to BRENNAN) Ah, big-screen TV, cold beer... I mean, it's not a great motive for m*rder, but I've seen people k*ll for less. PICKFORD: Why would I k*ll Danny? He-he owes me money. Like, three grand. You shouldn't be hassling me. You should talk to his ex; they had a bad breakup. BOOTH: Right. What's her name? PICKFORD: Chris. But...she's a him. I mean, it's a...Christopher Chris, not a Christine Chris. He rents a place on Dalgren Road. (Cut to: Interior -- Jeffersonian Medico-Legal Lab. VINCENT is cleaning the victim's bones with an electric tooth brush as CAM enters onto the platform and approaches.) CAM: There's no faster way to clean the skeleton? VINCENT: Oddly, no. Not in a localized fashion. Dr. Brennan seemed very anxious to get at the sternum. Uh, Dr. Saroyan, not to come across as in any way needy, but...have you ever seen Dr. Brennan, um, compliment or praise one of us interns? CAM: I wouldn't worry about praise, Mr. Nigel-Murray; strive for...mild approval. VINCENT: (nervous chuckle) Then, back to work I go. Heigh-ho, heigh-ho. CAM: Did you...clean the victim's teeth? VINCENT: A small sign of respect for a dentist. CAM: If you want praise, I'd concentrate on the sternum if I were you; something h*t him there. Hard. Let's see if we can't figure out what that was and, uh, whether it k*lled him. VINCENT: Okay. (sighs loudly as CAM exits the platform) (Cut to: Exterior -- Chris Fife's house -- evening. BOOTH and BRENNAN are questioning CHRIS FIFE.) FIFE: I worked two jobs to put Dan through dental school. As soon as his practice was up and running, he dumped me. BOOTH: And since Virginia doesn't recognize gay marriage or civil unions, you weren't entitled to anything when he left you. FIFE: How is that fair? BRENNAN: It's not. I'm sorry to inform you that we have identified some human remains as Daniel Pinard. FIFE: Wait. Uh, Danny's d*ad? BOOTH: (after BRENNAN nods, answering the question) When was the last time you saw him? FIFE: I haven't heard from him, but... It's got to be a year. (BRENNAN notices a silver arrowhead stuck in the trunk of a tree and moves to investigate.) BOOTH: All right. Were you, uh... (watches BRENNAN walk away) Were you upset when he broke it off with you? FIFE: What? BOOTH: Well, like you said, you...you didn't have any legal options. FIFE: Not upset enough to k*ll. I moved on. I met someone after a couple months, and bygones are bygones, right? Is that everything now? Because, Danny was a part of my past, and like I said, I've moved on. (BRENNAN takes a glove from her bag and uses it to remove the arrowhead from the tree trunk.) BOOTH: Actually, no. I'd like to ask you, uh, quite a few more questions, if you don't mind. FIFE: I do mind, so, excuse me... BRENNAN: Booth? BOOTH: Yeah. (BRENNAN approaches, holding out the arrowhead) What do you got there? Looks like an arrowhead. Is that yours? FIFE: I'm a bow hunter; whitetail deer. Yeah, I'm gay and I hunt. Get over it. BRENNAN: (pointing to the bow hung in the rear window of FIFE's truck) That bow in his truck would generate sufficient velocity for this arrowhead to cause the trauma on the victim's sternum. BOOTH: Hmm. FIFE: What is she saying? BOOTH: Basically, she's saying you have a choice: Either you come with us willingly and answer my questions or...I arrest you. ACT 2 (Fade in: Interior -- Jeffersonian Medico-Legal Lab. VINCENT and CAM are on the platform, discussing the victim and cause of death in light of the possible m*rder w*apon found by BRENNAN.) VINCENT: The damage to the sternum is not the cause of death. CAM: So, the ex-boyfriend's off the hook. VINCENT: At a velocity of 82 meters-per-second, a-a hunting arrow would not only pierce the sternum and the heart, but would sever the spinal column. I will point out, uh, however, that the angry ex-boyfriend might still have k*lled the victim, but either he didn't use a hunting bow or he-he made an amazing sh*t from the-the absolute, the limit of the bow's range, which-which would be...is...is very far. I sounded very much like Dr. Brennan then, did I not? CAM: Up until the "very far," yes. What did strike our victim in the chest? VINCENT: It could easily have been postmortem. Probably as a result of being tipped into a creek... CAM: So, we don't have cause of death. VINCENT: (suddenly, clapping his hands together) Rhubarb! CAM: Uh...rhubarb...yeah...uh, the victim was k*lled by rhubarb...? VINCENT: Approximately ten kilos. CAM: All right, I'm usually pretty good with following your jumpy little brain, but you've totally left me in the dust on this one. VINCENT: If you can acquire for me the rhubarb, I can deliver unto you a skeleton free of clay. Rhubarb! CAM: (as she is exiting the platform) Rhubarb, it is. (Cut to: Exterior establishing sh*t -- Hoover Building -- daytime.) (Cut to: Interior -- Hoover Building hallway. BOOTH and DR. LANCE SWEETS are walking to the Interrogation Room.) BOOTH: Okay, well, you know, our victim wasn't k*lled by an arrow. SWEETS: Yeah. BOOTH: But hey, you know, the good news: our victim's dental hygienist says that he gave her hepatitis C. SWEETS: The dental hygienist is gay, too? BOOTH: I don't know. I'm going to ask her. SWEETS: Her? Did the victim have heterosexual relations with his hygienist? BOOTH: I don't know. I'm going to ask her. (Cut to: Interior -- Hoover Building -- Interrogation Room. GRACE BRYSON is sitting at the table as BOOTH enters.) BOOTH: Miss Bryson, I'm Agent Booth. BRYSON: They said Dan is d*ad? What happened? BOOTH: Well, we were hoping that maybe you would be able to help us with that. BRYSON: Me? BOOTH: Mm-hmm. (Cut to: Interior -- Jeffersonian Medico-Legal Lab experiment room. HODGINS and VINCENT are preparing the victim for a soak in rhubarb-infused water.) HODGINS: How did you work this up without me? VINCENT: When I told Dr. Saroyan that the sternum wound was not caused by a hunting arrow, my brain jumped to different types of arrows... (lifts the body with HODGINS up into the container) ...which led me to the image of a giant wasp, which was silly, but which then led me to stinging nettles, which are covered in thousands of tiny little arrows, and on the tip of each tiny little arrow is a drop of oxalic acid, which not only stings, but works very well at dissolving silicates. HODGINS: Silicate causes clay to adhere... VINCENT: ...and rhubarb is full of oxalic acid. HODGINS: Okay. Next time someone says your brain is a jumble of disconnected chaos, you just send them to me. VINCENT: (chuckles) I wi-... (realizes what was said) People say that? HODGINS: You need me to stir? VINCENT: Don't you have lots of spiders to trace? HODGINS: Well, there's over 30 separate breeding grounds within a 200-mile radius of the body site. I'm analyzing the egg sacks to see if I can narrow it down further, but... I've got some time. And this is so cool. (Cut to: Interior -- Hoover Building interrogation room. BOOTH continues to interrogate BRYSON.) BRYSON: You want to know if I had sex with Dan? BOOTH: Well, you filed a grievance against him requesting the ADA revoke his license because he gave you hepatitis C. BRYSON: No, we didn't have sex. Dan nicked me during a procedure. BOOTH: Really? So, he nicked himself and you? What about the patient? BRYSON: It was while preparing a syringe. My husband and I tested positive after that. BOOTH: Who believes that story? Did your husband believe that story? BRYSON: It ha-... It happened. BOOTH: How did you really get hepatitis C? Tell you what, before you answer that question, this here's a report from the ADA saying that Dan never had hepatitis C. BRYSON: I had an affair. I... I got hep C. I just... I needed a way to explain it to my husband. BOOTH: Right, so maybe you k*lled Dan so your husband wouldn't find out the truth, or your husband did. BRYSON: No. No, neither of those things happened. BOOTH: On the day that Dan Pinard disappeared, he canceled all of his appointments so he could, uh, go see Dr. Hibbert. Only problem is, we can't find this Dr. Hibbert. BRYSON: D-Dr. Hibbert is the name that Dan wrote in his appointment book when he canceled patients at the last minute. BOOTH: Any idea who it might have been that day? BRYSON: I was already fired. BOOTH: Right. (Cut to: Exterior establishing sh*t -- the Jeffersonian Institute -- daytime.) (Cut to: Interior -- Jeffersonian Medico-Legal Lab. BOOTH and BRENNAN leave BRENNAN's office together, walking a circuit around the platform.) BRENNAN: You ran a background check on Jared's girlfriend? BOOTH: Well, yeah; you do things like that for people you care about. BRENNAN: Do you do that when I go out with someone? BOOTH: Look, Bones, you're the one who says not to jump to conclusions without all the facts. BRENNAN: But you always say, in matters of the heart-... BOOTH: Ah, the heart is just a muscle. See? I'm learning from you, huh? Anyways, this whole background check came up hinky. BRENNAN: Hinky, how? BOOTH: Four years ago, this woman was an escort. Jared's going to be crushed. BRENNAN: Why? I'm sure she possesses sophisticated sexual skills, and if she's reformed... BOOTH: She's just...reformed. She's a reformed escort. BRENNAN: Well, maybe Jared already knows. BOOTH: No, he doesn't know. BRENNAN: How do you know he doesn't know? BOOTH: Because, if he knew, he wouldn't be talking about getting married. He wouldn't be saying stuff like that. (sighs as BRENNAN walks away from him) (Cut to: Interior -- Jeffersonian Medico-Legal Lab experiment room. HODGINS and VINCENT are fishing bones from the rhubarb bath as BRENNAN enters.) HODGINS: Hey. Look what Vincent did; he turned our victim into rhubarb pie. VINCENT: Uh, fractures are evident on at least half a dozen bones, including possible cause of death. (points to the skull) BRENNAN: Hmm. Fracture to the glabellar region on the frontal bone. Head trauma could definitely be cause of death. VINCENT: Tendonitis of the shoulder, broken ribs, knee trauma, and a nick to the ankle. That's all just the right side. HODGINS: Sounds like he was tortured. BRENNAN: He also had Bennett's fracture of the thumb, broken left clavicle, and his knee... HODGINS: You know what? These are all common football injuries. BRENNAN: Some of the injuries are over a decade old, but others show almost no remodeling, which means-... VINCENT: He was still active in the sport. HODGINS: A gay dentist who plays football. BRENNAN: Do the significant looks you are exchanging mean that you doubt a gay man can play football and be a dentist? VINCENT: No. I mean, for me, the answer is no. What I'm thinking is that American football is a bastion of testosterone-fueled masculinity. HODGINS: Maybe one too many lingering glances in the locker room got him in trouble. BRENNAN: What, does that happen often? HODGINS: (as VINCENT chuckles) Yeah. I mean, with me, it happened all the time. VINCENT: If I'd k*lled everyone who looked at me lustily, I wouldn't have made it out of school. (Cut to: Exterior establishing sh*t -- Washington, D.C. -- daytime. BOOTH's truck drives past the Capital.) (Cut to: Exterior -- Cardinals' football field -- daytime. COACH JASON HENDLER stands by as the Cardinals run a scrimmage during practice. The quarterback calls the play, and the subsequent sounds of men blocking one another precede BOOTH and BRENNAN's entrance onto the field.) BOOTH: There's only one amateur full-contact league in the DC area, so it wasn't hard to find out which team Dan played for. BRENNAN: Well, they are not unlike mountain rams that butt heads in an attempt to attract a mate. (watches as BOOTH catches a stray football) It's hard to believe that brain damage isn't a result. BOOTH: It's amazing; you can even make football sound bad, Bones. (throws the football offscreen) HENDLER: Come on, ladies... My little sister hits harder than that. Filmore, do you want me to get you a skirt? BRENNAN: He's challenging their masculinity to enhance aggression. BOOTH: That's coach talk; it's the way coaches talk. Let me handle this. Excuse me, Coach, FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth. This here is my partner, Dr. Temperance Brennan. Like to ask you a few questions about Dan Pinard. HENDLER: Yeah, well, he better be in prison; that's the only excuse I'll accept for how long he's been gone. BOOTH: We found his body. HENDLER: Oh, my God. BOOTH: I'm sorry, did any of Dan's teammates or opponents have any problems with him? HENDLER: What, he was m*rder? (BOOTH nods) No. Oh, no. Uh, all the guys loved Dan. BRENNAN: Is it possible that someone's masculinity was thr*at, and that person k*lled Dan because he was a h*m*? BOOTH: Way to ease into that one, Bones. That's smooth. HENDLER: No, that's definitely not an issue with my guys. BOOTH: What makes your team so highly evolved, Coach? HENDLER: Meet the Cardinals, Agent Booth. We're all gay. (two players collide in front of them) Good h*t! ACT 3 (Fade in: Exterior -- Cardinals' football field -- daytime. The CARDINALS, which include a player named GREG, and HENDLER are gathered on the sidelines as BOOTH questions them.) BOOTH: So, anybody here have any problems with Dan? Disagreements, arguments, fights? GREG: Everyone here joined this team because a lot of the straight players don't want us on their teams. We're like family. No one here hurt Dan. No way. BOOTH: And you're all...gay? HENDLER: Oh, I suppose, statistically, we could have two or three straights who are still in the closet. (the team chuckles) BRENNAN: (entering from off field) Booth, this is Dan's equipment bag. I found his protective headgear inside. BOOTH: That's a helmet, Bones. BRENNAN: There's blood on the inside of the lip. It approximates the location of the fracture on Dan's forehead. The force could have cracked his skull and k*lled him. BOOTH: (to HENDLER) Are you sure nothing happened here? One of your guys, they probably could have h*t Dan, you know, in practice a little too hard, try to cover it up. HENDLER: What are you saying? BOOTH: I mean, you lose your insurance, you're kicked out of the league. But, hey, it's just an accident, right? (to the CARDINALS) All right, I'll tell you what: Anybody who's got plans for this weekend, just cancel 'em. HENDLER: (as the team grumbles) Because of blood on a football helmet? BOOTH: Because of blood inside of a football helmet. Isn't that right, Bones? BRENNAN: That's correct. (Cut to: Interior -- Jeffersonian Medico-Legal Lab -- HODGINS' office. HODGINS is examining the spiders from the clay when VINCENT enters.) VINCENT: I was draining the vat when I noticed these white things floating in the rhubarb stew. Spider eggs, right? HODGINS: No. No, the boiling water would have destroyed the eggs. VINCENT: So what are they? HODGINS: (bring them up on the microscope) I have no idea. VINCENT: Always glad to sow confusion. This man endured a remarkable amount of abuse. It must have been tough. HODGINS: Yeah, this ain't England, pal; being gay in America is still a tough go. VINCENT: I was referring to being a football player. HODGINS: Yeah, I-I knew that. (Cut to: Exterior establishing sh*t -- the Jeffersonian Institute -- daytime.) (Cut to: Interior -- Jeffersonian Medico-Legal Lab bone room. ANGELA MONTENEGRO is conversing with BRENNAN as she reexamines the victim's skeleton.) ANGELA: Four years ago Jared's girlfriend was a hooker? BRENNAN: Well, an escort. I believe, in the hierarchy of prostitution, an escort ranks equal to high-class call girl. ANGELA: And now she teaches grade school? BRENNAN: Mm-hmm. I don't see any other injuries to the bone that could be cause of death. That leads us back to the head trauma. Apparently the rule is: once a sex worker, always a sex worker. ANGELA: You know, it really would have been better if Booth never ran her record. BRENNAN: He said it was my influence, that it was the rational thing to do. ANGELA: No, sweetie; he's rationalizing, which makes what he did irrational because he's rationalizing that Jared cannot make rational decisions for himself. You do the same thing all the time. Maybe that's what he learned from you. BRENNAN: In order to be fatal, whatever struck the frontal bone had to be pointed enough to pierce the brain. ANGELA: Now, wait a second... Is Booth going to tell Jared about this? BRENNAN: I believe that's his plan. ANGELA: What if Jared and this woman are really in love? Booth could ruin everything. BRENNAN: Well, not if, as Booth always asserts, love conquers all. ANGELA: Yeah, well, this is going to be one hell of a test case. CAM: (entering) I ran blood tests on the items in Dan's athletic bag. I found evidence of someone else's blood. (pulls up the report on one of the computer screens) BRENNAN: Football is a contact sport; there are bound to be traces of other people's DNA on his uniform. CAM: This was more than a trace, and it wasn't on his uniform; it was all over his towel. We ran it through CODIS and got a match. (shows CYD ZIGLER's CODIS entry on the screen) 32-year-old man named Cyd Zigler. (Cut to: Interior -- Hoover Building -- Break Room. BOOTH is sharing the new suspect's file with SWEETS as he makes himself a cup of coffee.) BOOTH: Zigler is a firefighter and a former Marine. He lives in Greenbelt, Maryland. He plays for one of, uh, the other teams in Dan's league. SWEETS: One of the straight teams? BOOTH: Yeah, there's a big game. Zigler fumbles, uh, the victim recovers, scores a touchdown, game over. SWEETS: Well, I doubt even a h*m* would k*ll for that. BOOTH: Yeah, but a fight ensues. SWEETS: Oh, so they fought? If Dan won a physical altercation, uh, in front of both teams, then there-there's a certain personality type that might feel impugned enough to strike back. BOOTH: Go on. SWEETS: (following BOOTH out of the break room toward his office) Gay guy beats up a certain type of straight guy, straight guy can't handle it. BOOTH: Well, see, th-that's what I wanted to know. SWEETS: Now, did the victim and Zigler have any contact since their fistfight? BOOTH: Well, the two of 'em, they played against each other in a game the weekend before Dan disappeared. SWEETS: Okay. BOOTH: (finds JARED waiting for him in his office) Jared. JARED: Hey, Seeley, your message sounded urgent. What's going on? BOOTH: Uh... (whispered to SWEETS as he closes the door) Thanks for the gay insights. SWEETS: (as he leaves) You're welcome. (BOOTH turns and sighs.) JARED: Oh... You got that big brother look all over your face, like the time you had to tell me the puppy I brought home was a rat. BOOTH: (chuckles) Uh, well, um, that sort of happened again. JARED: Okay, what the hell are you talking about? BOOTH: There are some things that you need to know about Padme. JARED: You ran a background check on my girlfriend? BOOTH: What, no, she was arrested for prostitution four years ago. JARED: Shut up, Seeley, shut up. BOOTH: The charges, they didn't stick, but you need to know that she was an escort. JARED: You just can't stand to see me happy, can you? BOOTH: No, that's not true. If I were in your shoes, I'd want to know if my girlfriend was hiding something. JARED: No, you wouldn't. Okay, I have watched you for years. I learned. You would make your own judgment. You wouldn't care what other people said. You'd say exactly what I'm gonna say: Go to hell. (exits the office) (Cut to: Exterior establishing sh*t -- Hoover Building -- daytime.) (Cut to: Interior -- Hoover Building -- Interrogation Room. ZIGLER is sitting at the table, being questioned by BOOTH.) ZIGLER: Look, I called him a f*g, the dude kicked my ass. End of story. BOOTH: You got a problem with gays? ZIGLER: No, that was over a year ago. Look, what's this all about? BOOTH: I'm trying to put together a sequence of events before Dan Pinard disappeared. ZIGLER: Disappeared? Wh-What do you mean "disappeared?" BOOTH: We, uh, found your blood on his towel. ZIGLER: I-I cut myself during a game, a big gash on my leg. Danny used his towel to stop the bleeding. What do you mean "disappeared?" BOOTH: He came up to you in the locker room and he presses that towel on your leg? ZIGLER: I thought... I thought it was only me. I thought Danny didn't want to see me anymore. And, I-I called him, I...I went by his place a hundred times. Nothing. BOOTH: Hmm. Why do you think he didn't want to see you again? ZIGLER: 'Cause, I mean, Danny had it all figured...who he was. I wasn't ready. BOOTH: To come out of the closet? ZIGLER: For any of it. And, that made Danny mad sometimes, you know? Frustrated. Is Danny d*ad? (BOOTH nods) You, uh, you think I k*lled him. (takes a picture of himself and the victim out of his wallet and shows BOOTH) Danny was, uh... The only time I've ever been happy was with Danny. I wouldn't expect you to understand. I don't guess anyone would understand. ACT 4 (Fade in: Interior -- Jeffersonian Medico-Legal Lab. HODGINS and VINCENT are in the bone room examining the victim's remain, still searching for the cause of death.) HODGINS: Looks like cause of death to me. VINCENT: Cause of death, yes, yes, but I cannot discern the cause of the cause of death, so to speak. HODGINS: Okay, bugs and slime, pal. Different discipline entirely, sorry. VINCENT: (addressing the magnified image of the victim's skull on the computer screen) There appear to be three separate fractures on the skull. We-We couldn't see them before because all of the fracture lines connect. HODGINS: Okay, so the victim was h*t three times instead of once. VINCENT: Dr. Brennan thinks that the brain was pierced when the skull was h*t. HODGINS: Brain piercing? Yeah, sounds very death-causing to me. VINCENT: The beveling on the exterior of the skull suggests that all three fracture points emanate from inside the skull. His forehead exploded from the inside out. HODGINS: Again, very deathy. Wait a minute. Wh-What would cause someone's forehead to explode from the inside? VINCENT: I was hoping that you'd say it had something to do with those bulbous seedy jobbers that I thought were spider eggs. HODGINS: No. I mean... Oh. Wow. (exits quickly) VINCENT: Wow? What wow? (Cut to: Interior -- Hoover Building. BOOTH, BRENNAN, and SWEETS are eating lunch and discussing the case in the Conference Room.) BOOTH: So, Zigler was a Marine. He gets married to a woman, it lasts six years. Why? BRENNAN: Why did his marriage last six years? BOOTH: No, why did he get married? SWEETS: Well, most likely Zigler was trying to conform to social norms. BRENNAN: In many cultures, h*m* is revered. Anthropologically, it makes no sense for heterosexuals to be thr*at by h*m* because they are actually removing themselves from competition for mates. BOOTH: Right, so Zigler forces himself to conform, and the dentist comes along and forces, you know, Zigler to confront... SWEETS: Zigler couldn't come to terms with his sexual orientation, so when the victim elicited this flood of unwanted feelings in him, he transferred the self-loathing from himself to the victim. BRENNAN: Native Americans believed that h*m* were of two spirits, held them in high esteem. So what's the problem? BOOTH: It's no problem. Why are you looking at me like that? I was a soldier. I mean, gay guys...they saved my life in battle more than once. BRENNAN: So, are you saying that if a former prost*tute saved your life in battle, that would solve the problem with Jared's girlfriend? SWEETS: What? BOOTH: Seriously, you're going to bring that up in front of Sweets right now? BRENNAN: It's a rational question. SWEETS: I'm sorry... Jared's involved with a prost*tute? BRENNAN: Former. Former prost*tute. BOOTH: Bones. BRENNAN: What? SWEETS: Oh, did you run a background check on Jared's girlfriend? BOOTH: Okay, why is everybody saying that to me like it's some sort of terrible thing? SWEETS: 'Cause it's kind of terrible. BOOTH: Look, I'm just looking out for my brother, that's all. So, can we just, you know, focus on the case? SWEETS: Yeah... Uh, well, the fact that the suspect carries in his wallet a photo of them together...it doesn't really jibe with h*m* panic. BOOTH: Great, thanks, that's all I need to know. I got enough. Thanks, appreciate it, Sweets. (exits) SWEETS: (to BRENNAN) Wow, that was-... BRENNAN: I have to go, too. (exits) SWEETS: Thank you, Dr. Sweets, for your invaluable psychological insights into the human condition. (Cut to: Interior -- Jeffersonian Medico-Legal Lab -- ANGELA's office. BRENNAN enters to find HODGINS, ANGELA, and VINCENT present.) HODGINS: Do you know what Vincent Nigel-Murray is? He's a genius. BRENNAN: Yes, but, so are we all. Except for Angela. ANGELA: Oh, right. And yet, who do you turn to when you need pretty pictures? VINCENT: Dr. Hodgins figured out what caused the fracture to the frontal bone. HODGINS: Vincent found these small particulates floating in the rhubarb stew, right? Well, I identified them as silica phytolith, which is a...a razor-thin, clear, hard shell which protects seeds. ANGELA: Now, the victim was tossed into the creek bed where his body quickly decomposed. HODGINS: (as ANGELA queues up the simulation on the Angelator) Flooding from the rain washed the clay and debris into that creek bed, which encased the body. Now, in all that muck, three periwinkle seeds became embedded within the victim's skull. BRENNAN: Okay. HODGINS: It's called floral turbation. Over time, soft can become even harder than hard, like, uh, a sliver of grass that grows through cement. VINCENT: The same kind of process that causes tree roots to destroy pipes. BRENNAN: So a seedling fractured the frontal bone? ANGELA: Three of them. BRENNAN: So...head trauma was not cause of death. (as she exits) We have no cause of death. VINCENT: Did she seem disappointed to anyone else? She definitely seemed disappointed to me. (Cut to: Interior -- Jeffersonian Medico-Legal Lab. Musical montage of BRENNAN in the bone room examining the skeleton meticulously one last time to try to find a cause of death. VINCENT walks past and tries to catch her attention in an effort to offer his assistance, but is ignored. He walks away just before BRENNAN appears to have found the cause of death.) (Cut to: Interior -- Jeffersonian Medico-Legal Lab -- HODGINS' office. HODGINS and VINCENT are going over evidence.) HODGINS: The pollen from the egg sack is from hickory pine trees, but they don't grow where the body was found. VINCENT: She didn't even want me to help her examine the bones. HODGINS: Okay, you're not listening to me. VINCENT: Yes, the, um...the-the keening shriek of intern anxiety is interfering with my hearing. BRENNAN: (entering) There is a slice on the medial malleolus. VINCENT: Yes, uh, duly noted in my report. BRENNAN: But you didn't note what that might mean. VINCENT: I would, uh, most definitely have done so, if-if I had the slightest inkling of what it might mean. BRENNAN: Whatever caused the nick on this bone must have cut the posterior tibial artery. VINCENT: Oh, yes. Tissue. Um, posterior tibial artery wou-... Massive bleeding. HODGINS: Dude, you should totally just toss culpability onto Cam. BRENNAN: I need to know if the w*apon that caused this left any trace in the bone. HODGINS: Well, Vincent's rhubarb stew completely washed away all the surface particulates. (to VINCENT) See how that's done? VINCENT: We can sand down the top layer of bones cells and analyze what lies beneath. BRENNAN: (handing the bone to VINCENT before leaving) Thank you. (HODGINS holds up a rotary saw. It turns on as VINCENT reaches for it, and VINCENT pulls his hand away.) HODGINS: (turning the saw off as he hands it to VINCENT) My bad. (Cut to: Interior -- Jeffersonian Medico-Legal Lab -- BRENNAN's office. CAM enters to find BRENNAN at her desk, working on her laptop.) CAM: You can't blame Mr. Nigel-Murray; the nick was on the bone, but I should've realized the implications for the flesh, and I didn't. BRENNAN: I agree. CAM: Then why are you letting him worry that he's disappointing you? BRENNAN: Mr. Nigel-Murray should be aware by now that I don't hold others to my level of expertise. Otherwise I'd have no one to help me. CAM: How would he know that if you don't tell him? HODGINS: (entering with VINCENT) Tungsten carbide, which is a compound used to coat various types of tools. VINCENT: Including dental tools. BRENNAN: (after a reaffirming nod from CAM) I distinctly remember saying to you once, "Good job, Mr. Nigel-Murray." I'm saying it again now. VINCENT: Cheers. Brilliant, that. BRENNAN: One of the suspects was Dan's dental hygienist... CAM: Grace Bryson. BRENNAN: Mm-hmm. HODGINS: Hey, where does she live? BRENNAN: Fairfax, Virginia. HODGINS: Okay, the pollen I found in the sheet weaver spider's egg sack came from hickory pine trees. They don't grow where the body was found, but you can find them all over that part of Virginia. CAM: Motive, theoretical w*apon, spiders... That should be enough for an arrest. (Fade in: Exterior establishing sh*t -- daytime. BOOTH's truck is traveling down a D.C. area street.) (Cut to: Interior -- BOOTH's truck. BOOTH is driving BRENNAN and himself to BRYSON's house.) BOOTH: So, according to Grace Bryson's statement, she and her husband were at a yoga retreat when Dan Pinard disappeared. BRENNAN: Well, the retreat was in Silver Spring; that's close enough to drive back, k*ll Dan and then return to the spa. BOOTH: Right. It could be both her and her husband. BRENNAN: Hmm. When your gut speaks to you, do you think it could be an increase in stomach acid, due to anxiety? BOOTH: Huh? BRENNAN: I-I...feel some anxiety. BOOTH: Okay, about what? BRENNAN: About your sudden abandonment of a belief system. Really, it's-it's making my stomach upset. BOOTH: Okay, you know what? You are really just, um...crack a window there, Bones, all right. Just get some air. BRENNAN: You told me that my father's criminal past didn't matter, that the love between us was real and that was all that mattered. Because I believed you, my father and I have a relationship today. BOOTH: Okay. I'm glad I could help out. BRENNAN: But, I'm anxious because I can't see any meaningful difference between my father and your brother's girlfriend. Can you explain that to me? It's a question of logic, so I'm just going to be quiet now while you work your way through it. (Cut: Exterior establishing sh*t -- daytime. BOOTH's truck travels down a D.C. street.) (Cut to: Exterior -- BRYSON's house -- daytime. BRYSON is raking leaves as BOOTH and BRENNAN question her about her alibi.) BRYSON: I already told you where I was: at the yoga retreat. BOOTH: Yeah, we know that. But you would have had more than enough time to, uh, leave the retreat and return. BRYSON: Well, I didn't, so, can you leave me alone? BOOTH: After Dan fired you, you couldn't find a job, could you? BRYSON: Well, that wasn't Dan's fault; that was the hepatitis. BRENNAN: Ms. Bryson, do you own a set of dental tools? BRYSON: Well, I had to buy a set when I was in school. Why? BOOTH: Can we see 'em? BRYSON: (sighs) No. Not without a warrant. (picks up a bag of leaves and walks toward the house, to a trashcan in the driveway) BRENNAN: When did you put in this driveway? BRYSON: Excuse me? BRENNAN: When were these paving stones laid? BRYSON: A few months ago. Is there something illegal now about doing home improvements? BOOTH: What's going on, Bones? BRENNAN: Look at the stones. BOOTH: Well, you know these stones look just like the ones that were at Dan's house. BRYSON: It's the same contractor: Lucas. I met him at Dan's office, before I was fired. Well, he said he had some extra materials left over from Dan's job and he could give me a good deal. BOOTH: That's a scam; Lucas was reselling the supplies that Dan had already paid for. BRYSON: Well, I didn't know that. BRENNAN: Was Lucas working on the driveway when you were at the yoga retreat? BRYSON: Yeah. He was finished by the time we got back. It was the fastest he ever finished anything. BRENNAN: We need to dig these up. BOOTH: Backhoe and a cement cutter. (Cut to: Interior -- Jeffersonian Medico-Legal Lab. CAM is in the autopsy room working on a computer when BRENNAN enters.) CAM: The bottom of the paving stones are covered in blood. All the samples I've taken are a match for the victim. BRENNAN: He bled out on the ground, then it was paved over. VINCENT: (entering with HODGINS) Behold, Lucas Pickford's grout scraper. He used it for installing the paving stones. HODGINS: Coated in tungsten carbide. CAM: Please tell me it's a match. VINCENT: I-It is, in fact, a perfect match for the injury to the victim's ankle. (noticing BRENNAN's smile) Yeah? Cheers. Brilliant. HODGINS: Hmm? No, she didn't say anything. BRENNAN: I-I discerned a lovely...a little glint of approbation in her eye. (exits, followed by HODGINS) (Cut to: Exterior establishing sh*t -- Hoover Building -- daytime.) (Cut to: Interior -- Hoover Building -- Interrogation Room. PICKFORD is sitting at the table across from BOOTH and BRENNAN.) PICKFORD: I-I admit it: We had an argument. BRENNAN: About the paving stones? PICKFORD: Yeah. BOOTH: Did you call him something? BRENNAN: A vulgar slur for "h*m*?" PICKFORD: In the heat of the moment, maybe. I mean, but you should've heard what he was calling me. Dan knocked me down and he started kicking me. So I grabbed the-the scraper, and swung it at him to get him off me. BOOTH: Self-defense. PICKFORD: Yeah. Yeah, that's it. I-I'll admit it. It was self-defense. BOOTH: Yeah, except, um, you didn't call 911. BRENNAN: No. You just watched him bleed to death, and then you dumped his body in a ditch. PICKFORD: If he charged me with theft, I lose my contractor's license, my whole livelihood, for what? A few dozen paving stones? The guy att*cked me for a few dozen paving stones. BOOTH: You robbed him, you lied about it, and you called him a "f*g." To him, that was a big deal. TAG (Cut to: Exterior establishing sh*t -- Jefferson Memorial -- evening.) (Cut to: Exterior establishing sh*t -- Founding Fathers.) (Cut to: Interior -- Founding Fathers bar area. BOOTH and BRENNAN are sitting at a table near the bar.) BRENNAN: I'm sure Jared wants to talk to you alone, Booth. BOOTH: No, he asked for you to be here. BRENNAN: I really don't want to be in the middle of a fight. BOOTH: I'm not going to fight. There's going to be no fighting, I promise, all right? So, you really think I was wrong? BRENNAN: I don't know if you were wrong, but I fail to see the point of being right. BOOTH: Okay. I've really been thinking about what you said. What if I ruined it for him? What if he was really happy with her? BRENNAN: I imagine you would never forgive yourself. BOOTH: Thanks. BRENNAN: Well, on the bright side, he might totally ignore you. BOOTH: Great, thank you. BRENNAN: Well, perhaps Jared will think for himself. Isn't that all you've ever really wanted for him? BOOTH: Well-... JARED: (entering with PADME) Hey, sorry we're late. Padme, this is Temperance Brennan. PADME: Hi. JARED: This is my, uh, brother's partner-slash-friend. BRENNAN: Nice to meet you. PADME: Pleasure. JARED: So...here we are. BOOTH: Think we can talk outside, privately? JARED: No. Whatever you want to say, you can say to both of us. See, we don't have secrets, Seeley. Never did. About anything. BRENNAN: I suspect Jared is implying that he already knew about Padme's past as an escort. BOOTH: Great, thanks, Bones. I got that. PADME: Jared and I have come to grips with...everything. JARED: Yeah. So, the question is: Are you in or are you out? BOOTH: I'm in. JARED: That's good, 'cause, uh, I really wanted to know if you'd be my best man. BOOTH: Wow. Uh...so soon. It's only been, what, a month? JARED: Ow. BOOTH: What? BRENNAN: Oh. JARED: Temperance, she kicked me under the table. Pretty sure she was aiming for you. BOOTH: Definitely meant for me. PADME: Well, if that's true, I like her. BRENNAN: (standing) I'd like to make a toast. JARED: What is this? BOOTH: It's her new thing. She likes to make--... She's really good at making toasts, though. M-Maybe we should get some champagne, though. BRENNAN: No, Jared is an alcoholic, Booth. JARED: No secrets. BRENNAN: When Booth and I first met, I didn't believe that such a thing as love existed. I maintained that it was simply brain chemistry. But, perhaps Booth is correct; perhaps love comes first, and then creates the reaction. I have no tangible proof, but...I'm willing to accept Booth's premise. BOOTH: To love. JARED: To love. PADME: To love. BRENNAN: To love. (They all clink glasses. JARED whispers "To love" again to PADME before kissing her, as BOOTH says something undecipherable to BRENNAN. Fade to credits.) END.

{"type": "series", "show": "Bones", "episode": "05x13 - The Dentist in the Ditch"}

foreverdreaming

THE DEVIL IN THE DETAILS ACT 1 (St. Dominic's Roman Catholic Church - A priest and an altar boy prepare for mass) FATHER PATRICK: Come on then, William, let's not keep God waiting. (William comes closer, Father Patrick blesses the bowl of water) By this holy water, and by your precious blood, wash away all my sins, O Lord. WILLIAM: Amen. FATHER PATRICK: And may this holy water protect us against evil in this world and in the next. WILLIAM: (Sniffing) I smell something weird. FATHER PATRICK: The new candles are smokier than the last batch. (They exit to the main room, a body with horns is burning on the altar) FATHER PATRICK: Oh, no! (They run to the altar) FATHER PATRICK: Oh, my Lord! (Kneels to pray) FATHER PATRICK Most glorious prince of the heavenly armies, Saint Michael the Archangel. God help us. (William grabs the holy water and douses the flames, to no avail.) WILLIAM: Be gone, Satan! FATHER PATRICK: Pray with me, William. (They kneel) FATHER PATRICK: Defend us in battle against the rulers of this world of darkness, against the spirits of wickedness in high places! (Brennan and Booth are in the car, Brennan is driving) BRENNAN: Notice how I'm not tailgating? Adaptive cruise control. BOOTH: Hmm-hmm. Ah, well, right now I'm more worried about a safe distance between you and me. BRENNAN: Why? BOOTH: Why? Because we're going to a church and you tend to get blasphemous in churches. BRENNAN: What, you're afraid that if God smites me with lightning, you could get h*t? BOOTH: Yeah, I'm usually standing right beside you. BRENNAN: The Greek god Zeus also used lightning to incinerate his enemies. Although, Zeus apparently had better aim than your God. BOOTH: Exactly, stuff like that. Just don't say stuff like that. All right, are we...what's going on here? Are we going the right way? BRENNAN: Yes. All I had to say was, (loudly) "St. Dominic's Roman Catholic Church" into the voice activated GPS. BOOTH: (shouting) Car, could you please get us there a little faster? BRENNAN: No, the accelerator is not voice activated. It's foot activated, like a normal car. BOOTH: Right. BRENNAN: Oh. (laughs) You're joking. BOOTH: Yeah. BRENNAN: That's funny. (St Dominic's Roman Catholic Church - Booth, Brennan, and Father Patrick approach the altar.) BOOTH: Father Patrick I'm Special Agent Seeley Booth, this here's my Dr. Temperance Brennan FATHER PATRICK: I have no idea what I'm going to tell our congregation. He has horns. BRENNAN: Yes that would have great meaning for your superstitious followers. BOOTH: (Whispers to Brennan) Yeah, like me. (To Father Patrick) Was the, uh, Sanctuary locked? FATHER PATRICK: Yes, but, doors and windows mean nothing to unclean spirits. BRENNAN: Many cultures since the dawn of humanity have explained evil as the work of mythical, supernatural beings. FATHER PATRICK: Evil is not mythical Dr. Brennan, it emanates from The Opposition. From Satan. And his minions. (Booth and Brennan come to the altar) BOOTH: Bones, that looks like a demon. (Booth genuflects and crosses himself) Huh, you understand? BRENNAN: Booth, if your superstitions are getting the best of you I can continue my examination alone. BOOTH: I'm just saying a prayer for us to protect us from the evil, you understand? I mean, come on. Even you believe in evil. BRENNAN: I believe in genetic anomalies and abhorrent behavior. Also, accidents. And unfortunately, prayers do not have much effect on the physical world. BOOTH: (Taps Brennan and points to body) Those are horns. BRENNAN: Yes. The smell indicates the remains were doused in some kind of petrochemical accelerant. Which also explains why the f*re was localized. BOOTH: Right, and you just blew right past the whole "horn" thing. Have you seen this before? BONES: No, it's fascinating. BOOTH: Fascinating. It can't be real, right? It must be some kind of plastic or something right? BRENNAN: No, they appear to be composed of actual bone. BOOTH: Those are real horns. BRENNAN: Are you okay, Booth? BOOTH: Yeah, I'm alright, let's just, uh - what do you say we just get Hell Boy wrapped up and back to the Jeffersonian. (indicates other agents) Come on guys, let's go. OPENING CREDITS ACT TWO (At the Jeffersonian, Brennan and Cam are walking to the platform) CAM: I've been a coroner a long time. I've seen a lot of bad things... BRENNAN: Define bad things. CAM: m*rder, mayhem, catastrophe, su1c1de, expl*si*n, you know, the usual stuff. But this? This gave me a chill. BRENNAN: Because of the demonic symbolism of the horns? CAM: Look, I just don't want to end up hovering above my bed with my head spinning around 360 degrees. (They reach the platform and swipe their cards) BRENNAN: That would not only be impossible, but fatal. CAM: Right. BRENNAN: Preliminary findings, Mr. Vaziri? ARASTOO: The victim is human, mostly. CAM: Oh, he's only half joking. This extension of cartilage here? (Points to body) BRENNAN: Oh, a tail! The victim had a tail? ARASTOO: Unmistakably devilish. BRENNAN: Believing in fallen angels and living by the tenets of empirical science are mutually exclusive. ARASTOO: Islam teaches that Shaitan was not a fallen angel but a Jinn. Angels are created from light and have no free will. Jinns are made from smokeless f*re and use their free will to defy Allah. CAM: Not an angel, not a Jinn, and yet; not your run-of-the-mill man, either. ARASTOO: The victim is Caucasian, and judging by the partially fused epiphyseal union on the clavicle, 19 to 24 years of age. (Hodgins enters) HODGINS: The accelerant was common motor oil. Available at any gas station. CAM: Well at least it wasn't brimstone, available only from Hell. HODGINS: I can't get much off of what's left of his clothes, it's just a generic mixture of cotton and man-made fibres. BRENNAN: What do you make of the horns, Mr. Vaziri? HODGINS: Whoa, hey! Horns fall under my area. CAM: Only if they aren't made of bone. ARASTOO: But they are made of bone. HODGINS: Really? Huh. Well I took a sample of your horns and ran it through the mass spec. In addition to calcium potassium, manganese and silica... BRENNAN: Bone, as Mr. Vaziri stated. HODGINS: I also found calcium carbonate in the crystal for aragonite, which is better known as coral. BRENNAN: Likely the horns were cosmetic implants, but as a result of biocompatibility the remodeled bone grew within the coral. CAM: What about the tail, do you think it's a cosmetic implant as well? BRENNAN: Vestigial. It's a vestigial tail. CAM: Well, that's extremely rare for a child to be born with one. BRENNAN: There is a man in west Bengal with a 33 centimeter long tail, who some believe is the reincarnation of Hanuman. (Angela enters) ANGELA: Hey, I got an ID on our victim. CAM: Is his last name Lucifer? HODGINS: Can we please call him Hell Boy until we find out otherwise? ANGELA: (Goes to computer) Well, we've found out otherwise. Neal Lowery. Turns out Neal's the only missing guy with horns. Go figure. BRENNAN: Where was his last known residence? ARASTOO: I'm guessing Mr. Stephen King's basement. ANGELA: Havenhurst Sanitarium, where he's being treated for schizophrenia. (Booth is in the interrogation room with Erica and Gabe Lowery, the victim's mother and brother.) ERICA: Things were fine when Neal was little. He was the happiest boy GABE: He loved cars, toy trucks. Real smart kid. BOOTH: And your son, he was born with a tail? ERICA: Yes. Um, vestigial, the doctors called it. BOOTH: When Neal was 14 a teacher noticed he'd been beaten and reported it to Child Services? ERICA: Yes, there was an investigation, and Neal he was getting really hard to handle, and I reacted badly. GABE: He started setting things on f*re, hung my mom's catin the garage. So she h*t him. ERICA: I lost my temper. But I got the counseling I needed and it never happened again. GABE: None of us knew what was happening. We didn't know Neal was getting sick. ERICA: The counselor thought it might help Neal to have the tail removed. GABE: But by then he wanted to keep it. BOOTH: Why? GABE: He thought he was marked by God. He told people he was the son of Satan. ERICA: Neal was schizophrenic it wasn't his fault. BOOTH: Yeah, well, uh, what about the horns? GABE: When Neal was 16 he went off his meds for the first time and ran away. ERICA: And, uh, when the police found Neal he'd had these horns implanted. We never saw our Neal again, not really. GABE: And when people asked where he got the horns...he said hell. And he's been in and out of the loony bin ever since. ERICA: Havenhurst was a good place wasn't it? Every cent I ever had went to them, for Neal. GABE: He's crazy, but he's my brother. So if they did anything that got him k*lled; negligent, whatever, they need to be held responsible. (Cam and Arastoo are examining the remains in the examination room) CAM: This section of the peritoneal lining is both thickened and enflamed, which indicated the intestines might have ruptured. ARASTOO: Cause of death? CAM: Hard to tell from sample size. Did you find any fractured bones in the X-rays that might have perforated the intestines? ARASTOO: I don't think so, Dr Saroyan. (Removes victim's shoes) CAM: Whoo! I know that smell. (Inspects victims foot) Yup. Gangrene. I've seen this before, in junkies. They inject between the toes, gets infected. ARASTOO: (Indicates monitor) As you can see there's a fracture on the anterior aspect of the right T5. CAM: There's no way that ruptured the intestines. (Hodgins enters) HODGINS: I finished my analysis of the contents of the boot treads. Within the treads, I found peat moss, sand, and perlite; also known as potting soil, as well as seeds from a plant commonly known as Christmas roses. CAM: Christmas roses, that doesn't sound very Satanic. HODGINS: Yeah, from the genus hellebore. Sorry. Even more interesting though, is the legend that hellebore is the key ingredient in a potion meant to summon the devil. CAM: Hmm, of course it is. (Booth, Brennan, and Sweets are in the car, Brennan is driving) SWEETS: Oh, hey, did I mention that I interned in a mental health facility in Philadelphia? BOOTH: By "interned", do you mean lived in? SWEETS: You know the whole thing about how all psychologists needs psychological help, it's not true. BOOTH: Is there any chance that Hell Boy wasn't crazy but actually possessed? BRENNAN: You mean by a demon? (scoffs) BOOTH: Well, listen, if the pope believes in demonic possession then, you know, I at least gotta ask. SWEETS: I spoke briefly to the victim's psychiatrist. Neal Lowery didn't show any symptoms of demonic possession. BOOTH: Okay, growing horns isn't a sign of possession? BRENNAN: You mean you spoke seriously on the matter to a man with a university education? BOOTH: Evil is out there, Bones. There's just more than one explanation. BRENNAN: Yes, chemical imbalance, poor role models, ignorance. SWEETS: Neal Lowery was a simple schizophrenic, living a simple delusion. BOOTH: See that, simple question, simple answer. Thank you, Sweets. BRENNAN: Mm-hmm. You could have asked him that on the phone. BOOTH: Well, listen, I brought Sweets along so, you know, he could sift through all the crazy-asses at the loony bin, see if any of them are homicidal. SWEETS: I am an excellent loony bin, crazy-ass sifter. (At Havenhurst Sanitarium, outside) ORDERLY: (To patient) You've got to come back inside. BOOTH: Shouldn't these patients be in straight jackets, or rubber rooms? SWEETS: Well, some of the patients are here of their own free will. There will be a more secure lock down section for those who've been committed. BRENNAN: Oh, Booth. BOOTH: Yeah. BRENNAN: Look over there, that's hellebore. (Points) BOOTH: The questions is did Hell Boy trample on those flowers before or after he was d*ad? BRENNAN: Well, Hell Boy couldn't have trampled on them after he was d*ad. BOOTH: You sure about that? BRENNAN: Yes. (Lloyed Robertson descends the stairs at the entrance) LLOYD: Agent Booth? BOOTH: Yes? LLOYD: Hi, I'm Lloyd, I'm one of the nurse practitioners. Dr. Copeland's expecting you. (Ushers them inside) (Booth, Brennan and Sweets are climbing the stairs with Dr. Copeland) COPELAND: Neal disappeared the night before last, he didn't show up for his morning meds. SWEETS: So you thought perhaps he bolted that night? COPELAND: Yes. BOOTH: He's escaped before? COPELAND: "Escape" implies incarceration. We prefer the term AWOL. BRENNAN: The man was committed to your insane asylum because he believed he was the mythical embodiment of evil. "Escape" seems accurate. COPELAND: Oh, Neal was genius at finding nooks and crannies that he's hole up in for days. We were hoping he'd done that again, that he'd show up when he got hungry. SWEETS: We'd like to ask your patients and staff if they know anything. COPELAND: Oh. BOOTH: "Oh." Is that a problem? COPELAND: Staff I'm good with. The patients...these are damaged people Agent Booth. Their hold on reality is tenuous. BRENNAN: Well that's why we brought our own psychologist. COPELAND: You're Dr. Sweets? SWEETS: Mm-hmm. COPELAND: You sounded more experienced on the phone. (Booth laughs) BRENNAN: He means you sounded older. SWEETS: I know. BOOTH: I love it. SWEETS: It's not that funny, Booth. BOOTH: I think it is. (The group enters the art room) COPELAND: This is the arts and crafts area. BRENNAN: Well, the work is quite... COPELAND: Disturbing? BRENNAN: Fascinating. BOOTH: Yeah, fascinating. Did, uh, Neal Lowery have any enemies here? The whole presence of the Devil, the tails and the horns. That must've been quite disrupting. SWEETS: Actually schizophrenic hallucinations can be way worse than that. COPELAND: Way, way worse. Yes, one boy with horns would barely register. BOOTH: Well, why don't you just have the horns removed as part of the cure? COPELAND: I thought this would be a significant and visible breakthrough for Neal if he could make the decision without being forced. BOOTH: What do you think Sweets? SWEETS: Oh, I buy it. COPELAND: Thank you Dr. Sweets. You don't think Neal was k*lled on the grounds do you? That would not be good. BRENNAN: I'm quite certain it wouldn't make any difference to Neal. BOOTH: Neal, did he have any, um, I don't know, fights with uh fellow...people? COPELAND: Uh, physically, no. SWEETS: Arguments? COPELAND: A case of competing delusions, yes, that deteriorated into shouting upon occasion, but nothing more. (To a patient sitting at an easel) Neviah, these people have some questions for you about Neal Lowery, do you feel up to speaking with them? NEVIAH: God warned me you'd be here with questions. SWEETS: God warns you? NEVIAH: Of course. How else would I have know to have this ready for you? (Turns around her painting) SWEETS: Oh! Okay, wow, that's, uh... well, I'm gonna need another word for fascinating. BOOTH: Creepy? SWEETS: So what are we to learn from this, Neviah? BOOTH: You are very, um, you're talented. You're... BRENNAN: Obviously, she's replaced the face of Longinus - the soldier who drove his spear through Christ's side during the crucifixion with her own face. COPELAND: Neviah believes herself to be the earthly manifestation of the angel Uriel. BRENNAN: She's put the m*rder victim's face in place of the crucified devil. Are you confessing to m*rder? SWEETS: Do you mind if I conduct the, uh, conversation Dr. Brennan? BRENNAN: No. No, but you might want to know that the placement of the lance here in the victim's side exactly matches the location where the victim was struck in real life. BOOTH: So this is true? NEVIAH: I only tell the truth. As Dr. Copeland told you, I'm an angel. ACT THREE (Outside the interrogation room at Havenhurst, Neviah is sitting at a table on the other side of the window) SWEETS: I just don't think it's wise to have Dr. Brennan present when we question Neviah. BRENNAN: Well, why? COPELAND: What if Neviah told you she was an angel, something she believes with her whole heart, how would you respond? BRENNAN: Well, I'd tell her that angels don't exist except, of course, in works of fiction such as the Bible and in children's books. SWEETS: After which all we'll get from Neviah is argument, no answers. BOOTH: Sweets is right, Bones, you're out. BRENNAN: I have to admit, it's eerie that when I move she follows me as though she knows exactly where I am. COPELAND: That's because she can see you. BOOTH: It's a window, Bones, it's not a two-way mirror. BRENNAN: Oh. BOOTH: Right. BRENNAN: Perhaps I can wait in some other part of your facility? COPELAND: Yes, certainly. BRENNAN: This isn't really a good use of my time. (Sweets and Booth enter the interrogation room) SWEETS: (To orderly allowing them inside the room) Thank you. Neviah, could you describe to me the process by which you create your paintings? NEVIAH: God guides my hand. SWEETS: I would imagine God guides all of your actions, right, you being an angel. NEVIAH: I only exist to do his will. BOOTH: Did you know that Neal Lowery is d*ad? NEVIAH: Of course. God told me. BOOTH: God told you. SWEETS: Does God speak to you? Does he come to you in visions? NEVIAH: He takes over my body and performs his miracles through me. BOOTH: Did you k*ll Neal? NEVIAH: He was a demon. I am an avenging angel. It was my duty. I used the Holy lance. SWEETS: Same as in the painting. NEVIAH: Mm-hmm. BOOTH: And where is this lance now? NEVIAH: It's right here. (Indicates empty table) SWEETS: Oh, it's invisible. BOOTH: Right. It's gonna be hard to get fingerprints off that. (Brennan is in the common room observing the patients. A man pushing a cart approaches her) PHILLIP: Hello. Can I offer you, juice, cookies? Uh, perhaps a nice serotonin reuptake inhibitor? BRENNAN: (Laughs) Thank you, but I just ate. PHILLIP: (Shakes her hand) I'm Dr. Phillip Womack. BRENNAN: I'm Dr. Temperance Brennan. Temperance will be fine. PHILLIP: Beautiful name. Unfortunately most patients here don't exhibit much temperance, hence the need to fill them with drugs. BRENNAN: Well I would probably medicate as well if I was forced to interact with psychiatrists all day, no offence. PHILLIP: Well, none taken. Ours is a subjective profession that often marginalizes that importance of empirical data. BRENNAN: It is refreshing to meet a psychiatrist with such a grounded perspective. PHILLIP: Hmm. But I assure you we have been getting very good results with psychopharmacology as well as electroconvulsive therapy. Perhaps you'd like to see? BRENNAN: I would enjoy that immensely. PHILLIP: (Leading her away) Who knows? I may be able to convert you to the wonders of psychiatry. (Brennan laughs) COPELAND: Hello Phillip. I see you've met Dr. Brennan. PHILLIP: Yes. COPELAND: Where were you two going? BRENNAN: Oh, Dr. Womack was going to show me around. COPELAND: I don't know if now is the time, Phillip. Lloyd is distributing the medication. PHILLIP: Yes, I should assist. Perhaps later, Temperance. BRENNAN: I'd like that. (Phillip exits) COPELAND: Did Phillip try to cure you of anything? BRENNAN: He's a patient? COPELAND: For almost 6 years now. Believe it or not he came a long way before plateauing with this delusion. BRENNAN: (Observing Phillip) I thought we had quite a lot in common. PHILLIP: (Distantly, to a patient) That's right. (Arastoo and Cam are in the lab with the remains) CAM: Did you find cause of death? ARASTOO: Looks like the victim was struck in the frontal bone with a w*apon approximately 2 centimeters in diameter, possibly the same object that struck him in the ribs. CAM: Okay, so we've got a fracture to the forehead... ARASTOO: And a Colles fracture on the right distal radius. CAM: All delivered by an invisible heavenly lance. ARASTOO: If it was invisible it struck with a mighty force. What if, despite her insanity, what the young woman saw was, in fact, evil? CAM: So you do believe in the Devil. ARASTOO: As I said. CAM: No, you told me what your religion says. ARASTOO: I know Shaitan to be real. I've been in his presence. I look into his eyes every day. (Cam looks uncomfortable) I should put my efforts towards identifying the w*apon. CAM: Yes. That would be... good. (Sweets and Angela are studying Neviah's painting) SWEETS: Jung believed that art provides an insight into the unconscious. ANGELA: Yeah, no, I know the drill. I assisted an art therapist in college. You can take one look at Van Gough's "Starry Night" with the dark blues and the violent brush strokes? It's no wonder he k*lled himself after painting it. But Neviah's work seems conflicted. The central image is straight out of Hieronymus Bosch, but the background is full of warm and vibrant colors. And her brushstrokes are calm. There's no turmoil or rage in her work. SWEETS: It could indicate a cold, measured person. Disconnected from an emotional life that's too painful to confront. ANGELA: Hold on. This is weird. (Indicates the painting) The topography of the paint is unusually thick right here. This could mean that there's something underneath the image. Sometimes when an artist bowdlerizes their own work, infrared refrectography can show us what's under the paint. SWEETS: Oh. Wow. That's uh, that's one of the nurses, from the hospital. ANGELA: He's a demon. SWEETS: Who has just k*lled the Devil. Neal Lowery. ANGELA: I don't think you need Jung to figure this one out. (Outside Havenhurst, Lloyd approaches in his car) SECURITY GUARD: Hold up, Lloyd! BOOTH: Hey, there, Lloyd, how's it going? LLOYD: Hey. BOOTH: Turn off your vehicle? LLOYD: Sure. What are you doing here? Checking out security tapes to see if Neal vamoosed through the front door? BOOTH: (Holds up photo of Neviah's painting) You recognize this picture? LLOYD: You're not seriously treating this as real evidence are you? BOOTH: What's your relationship with Neal Lowery? LLOYD: (Scoffs) I was nice to the guy, that's my job. I'd - I'd like to go home. BOOTH: No, no, no, would you mind popping the trunk? LLOYD: What? No, not unless you've got a search warrant which I'm guessing you don't. BOOTH: Oh really? Look at this here. Excuse me, Bones. (points to sign) See? "All visitors and employees agree to vehicle search on entry and exit", so we don't need one, right Bones? BRENNAN: We don't need one. BOOTH: Excuse me (Reaches for car keys) let me just grab that for you. You stay nice and comfy in your chair there. (Walks to the trunk) BRENNAN: We found evidence of gangrene between Neal's toes. He was injecting something there. It's a common practice for heroin addicts. BOOTH: Hey, Bones, look at this! Guy's got his own personal dojo back here. BRENNAN: There appear to be the same diameter as the bruise on Neal Lowery's skull. BOOTH: Swords, nun chucks. (Opens compartment in trunk) Well, look at this. Drugs...and heroin. Looks like we found Neal Lowery's heroin dealer. ACT FOUR (Booth and Lloyd in interrogation room) LLOYD: None of that stuff's mine. I mean one of the patients must have planted it in my car. BOOTH: No, no. I really would not advise you going down that route. LLOYD: Well, it's the truth. BOOTH: The truth? Well you know what? We're going to find your fingerprints all over this stuff. So don't get caught in a lie. Right? Right. So why don't we start with the dorky martial arts stuff. LLOYD: Nun chuks and shuriken aren't dorky, all right? They're the w*apon of a true master. BOOTH: You see the fact that you just called it "shiruken" just proves my dorky theory. So, drugs. Did you steal them from the hospital pharmacy? LLOYD: No, how do you know I didn't buy them from someone else who stole them? BOOTH: Okay, look. People say you're really a good guy. LLOYD: I am. BOOTH: Yeah, so, what do you say we try and tell the truth? LLOYD: Look, Neal's medications didn't work. Alright, the tranqs, and the antipsychotics, they turned him into a zombie, but they didn't make him feel any better. BOOTH: (Holding up bag of heroin) But, uh, this did? LLOYD: Yeah. Heroin removed his agitation. I mean for the first time you could talk to the guy. BOOTH: Hmm. How did Neal pay for the heroin? LLOYD: I took his meds in exchange. BOOTH: For your own use? LLOYD: No. No I volunteer at a community outreach for the homeless. A lot of those people need meds. BOOTH: You see? You really are a good guy. LLOYD: Yeah, I am. I am a good guy. BOOTH: You are a good guy. The only problem is, these nun chucks? They could probably be the m*rder w*apon. LLOYD: Why would I k*ll Neal? BOOTH: It doesn't matter if you're a good guy. I mean you're a drug dealer. Drug dealers, they get into arguments with other clients. LLOYD: No, I was helping him. BOOTH: When was the last time you saw him? LLOYD: Uh, in the day room. We talked, and then later that evening his bother came looking for him but he was gone. BOOTH: Mm-hmm. I'm still holding you under controlled substances. LLOYD: You believe I didn't k*ll Neal, right? BOOTH: It doesn't matter what I believe. It matters what I can prove. (In Hodgin's office at the lab, Cam enters) CAM: Anything on the nun chucks? HODGINS: Hmm, they are completely clean. There are dents though, so they've been used. CAM: Can you rule them out as the m*rder w*apon? HODGINS: Are you asking me to do an experiment? CAM: With (sighs) Arastoo... HODGINS: Why are you saying his name like that? CAM: Like what? HODGINS: "Arastoo..." You're chewing on his name. CAM: (Hushed) Arastoo says he looks at the Devil every day. HODGINS: Maybe he has low self-esteem. CAM: Or...you know what they call us right? HODGINS: "They" being... CAM: Muslims. Some Muslims, the ones over there trying to k*ll us. HODGINS: Yeah, they call us "the Great Satan"...oh. (Arastoo enters) ARASTOO: Look, here, what I found. Radiating micro-fractures in the cartilage of the victim's vestigial tail. CAM: Radiating micro-fractures plus a ruptured intestine? HODGINS: What does that mean? CAM: He was slammed into something. ARASTOO: Perhaps in fact he did wrestle with an archangel...and lose. As it should be, the Devil lost. As he always must. I will inform Dr. Brennan! (exits) CAM: "The Devil lost?" HODGINS: "As he always must"? CAM: What if Arastoo means us? HODGINS: Arastoo is a very sweet, gentle guy, you know? CAM: I know but that doesn't mean that in his heart he doesn't look down on us. Do you want to work with someone who thinks you're the Great Satan? HODGINS: No! I don't want to be the Great Satan! I don't even want to be a minor demon. You want me to talk to him? CAM: Yes. (Sighs) But unfortunately dopey interpersonal crap falls under my job description. (At Havenhurst in the day room) COPELAND: The discrepancies for the pharmacy have always been so small, well within breakage. SWEETS: We understand. BOOTH: We understand? Why do we understand? SWEETS: Well, Lloyd Robertson was a nurse practitioner. He had,uh, pharmacy privileges, right? He cooked the drug log. COPELAND: Patients liked Lloyd, the staff. He honestly wanted to help people. Or at least fooled me into thinking that was the case. BRENNAN: Well, so much for penetrating psychological insights. COPELAND: Can I speak to you for a moment? (Takes Brennan aside) COPELAND: I've listened to you take sh*ts at my profession, and that's okay, I'm a big boy. A tolerant man. But I want you to think about something. I spend every working hour of every day trying to help people who are living in hell. That's an honorable way to spend a life. Perhaps more honorable than figuring out what happened to d*ad people who are already beyond pain and suffering. BRENNAN: Intentions, however misguided, do count, I understand that. COPELAND: I hope you won't think I'm too picky when I point out that that wasn't an actual apology. But perhaps it's the best you can manage. (they shake hands) BOOTH: Oh, look at that, you're shaking hands. Great, everyone's made up and we're friends now. Great. PHILLIP: (From across the room) No! (Knocks over med cart, is tackled by orderlies) Get away, get away! COPELAND: It's alright Phillip! Do you hear me? Just relax and let the medicine help. (Injects him) PHILLIP: It's not the right medicine! I need the right medicine! COPELAND: What's the right medicine, Phillip? PHILLIP: I want the medicine Lloyd gave me, where's Lloyd? I need the special medicine, I'm a doctor! COPELAND: Lloyd gave you special medicine? PHILLIP: I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor. BOOTH: We're gonna need to search this facility. BRENNAN: I apologize, Dr. Copeland, I apologize for undervaluing your work. (Hodgins and Arastoo are on the forensic platform) HODGINS: (wheeling a crash test dummy) Test number one. Now, I've placed sensors in this dummy to register the impacts of the nun chuck strikes. (Bows to crash test dummy, feigns being a ninja) ARASTOO: Dr. Hodgins, with nun chucks it's very important that you... (Hodgins strikes himself with a nun chuk in the head) HODGINS: Oh! (falls) ARASTOO: Are you alright? HODGINS: Son of a bitch! ARASTOO: As I was saying, nun chuks are deceptively difficult to maneuver if you've had no practice. (Hodgins groans) May I? HODGINS: Huh, okay, well...knock yourself out, I did. (Arastoo takes the nun chuks, wields them perfectly and strikes the dummy) What are you some kind of Persian ninja? (Crawls to monitor, the screen is blurry) That can't be right. (Covers one eye) Oh, okay, yeah, no that's better. ARASTOO: Was this the m*rder w*apon? HODGINS: Uh, the diameter of the w*apon matches, but, see, okay, nun chuks swing on an axis, because of the chain, right, which means the force increases exponentially along the length of the striking surface. ARASTOO: But the victim's wound was proportional along the length of the w*apon. HODGINS: If Lloyd, the drug dealing nurse, k*lled Neal, the demonic schizophrenic, then this was not the w*apon. ACT FIVE (Sweets has Phillip in the interrogation room at Havenhurst) SWEETS: So how long have you been practicing psychiatry, Dr. Womack? PHILLIP: Well, longer than you have, Dr. Sweets. SWEETS: Yes, my youth has often been an obstacle to gaining trust with patients. PHILLIP: That's why I often pretend to be one of them. SWEETS: Oh, that's interesting. Okay, so in order to gain trust from the patients at the ward, you pretend to be ment*lly ill yourself. PHILLIP: I'm a natural actor. It helped Lloyd cooperated and treated me like I was a patient instead of his immediate superior. SWEETS: What about Dr. Copeland? PHILLIP: Ethan is a very fine psychiatrist, but he's very conservative when it comes to the distinction between doctor and patient. SWEETS: A traditionalist? PHILLIP: Yes, exactly, Dr. Sweets, exactly.(To Copeland) I'm sorry, Ethan, but this is an official investigation and I must be honest. SWEETS: So you and Lloyd Robertson treated Neal Lowery together? PHILLIP: Only with regard to medication. Neal and I shared a few secrets I did not divulge - patient confidentiality. SWEETS: I don't suppose you'd tell me what? PHILLIP: No, I couldn't possibly. I breached patient confidentiality once and I still feel bad about it. SWEETS: Hmm was this regarding Neal Lowery or...? PHILLIP: I'm sorry Dr. Sweets. I have nothing whatsoever to say on the matter. It's closed. I'll ask that you extend me that professional courtesy. SWEETS: Sure. (Cam and Arastoo are in the bone examination room) CAM: You found something? ARASTOO: Yes. Cause of death. CAM: Excellent, what was happened? ARASTOO: First I'd like to clarify something. After we talked about my beliefs you were clearly upset. CAM: What? No that's not... true. ARASTOO: My words could have been construed as a Muslim referring to America as the Great Satan. CAM: I'm not familiar with that phrase. Could we get back to this? ARASTOO: I found micro-fractures on the metacarpals on the same arm with the Colles fracture. I love this country Dr. Saroroyan. When I said I see the Devil's face daily... You know I served as a translator in Iraq? Normal day milk run to an outlying village to talk about water and an IED took out our Humvee. CAM: Oh my God. ARASTOO: Two d*ad, three wounded and I was the only one left conscious. I'm a translator, I use words, but coming towards us with an AK-47, an insurgent. He raised it intending to finish us off. CAM: And that was the Devil? ARASTOO: No no. I sh*t this man in the heart. The Devil, that evil, I saw it in his eyes, sure, but it was in me too when I pulled that trigger. CAM: You were defending your unit Mr. Vaziri. ARASTOO: This man lay d*ad at my feet. I searched his body for identification and I found a photograph of him with his little boy, his wife laughing. A family. Tell me that the Devil did not win on that day. CAM: You didn't lose your faith. You pray five times a day. ARASTOO: I have to believe that Allah will show me how to live. (He goes to the body) I found micro-fractures on the maxillary and mandibular. CAM: He was electrocuted? ARASTOO: The current must have passed through his hand, traveled across his body, then out his backside. CAM: It was the muscle spasms that caused his intestines to rupture. I should let Dr. Brennan know right away. ARASTOO: Of course. CAM: I did...think that - wonder if you considered us to be the Great Satan. I am familiar with that phrase. ARASTOO: I know. I was there when you told Dr. Hodgins that his t-shirt which read: "I am with the Great Satan" is not suitable work attire. (Sweets and Brennan are outside Havenhurst with Copeland) SWEETS: Was Neal Lowery receiving shock therapy? COPELAND: No, why? BRENNAN: Neal Lowery died from being electrocuted. COPELAND: Oh, ECT equipment generates a maximum 225 volts. And there's a failsafe mechanism. BRENNAN: Our analysis indicates that Neal Lowery endured an extended shock of at least 480 volts. Is there anywhere in this complex where 480 volts might be generated? COPELAND: I think it would be best if we get an electrical engineer to answer that. SWEETS: There's a guy in Ward 4 who believes he's Thomas Edison. (Brennan laughs, Copeland looks unamused) Sorry. (Brennan, Hodgins, and Angela are in Angela's office) ANGELA: These are the electrical plans for the retrofit that was completed at Havenhurst 15 years ago. HODGINS: All the wiring and the breakers, there's nothing morethan 225 volts. ANGELA: Well I'm scanning the original plans. And they're from 1908. (the scans of the plans appear on the screen) Okay. So on the original blueprints there was a fourwire 600 volt transformer in the basement. The southwest corner of the basement where the old generator is installed was sealed off. HODGINS: Except for these all-access panels. ANGELA: Yeah, but they'd need those in case of a f*re. BRENNAN: Dr. Copeland said that Neal Lowery had a knack for searching out nooks and crannies to hide out in. (Brennan, Booth, Sweets, and Copeland are in the basement of Havenhurst) BRENNAN: Okay the access panel should be down this corridor to the left. BOOTH: (Tries light switch, nothing happens) Oh, you got to be kidding me. SWEETS: Wait. (Pulls out Iphone and selects a "flashlight" app) Ha-ha! I also have an app that gives you songs titles. All you have to do is hum a few notes... BOOTH: Maybe later okay? BRENNAN: Okay, it should be behind all this. (Indicates pile of old equipment. Booth moves it aside and they all step through.) BOOTH: Look at that. Check this out. (Indicates drug paraphernalia on the floor) Someone was cooking heroin. SWEETS: So maybe Phillip follows Neal down here sees him using, decides to administer a little electroshock on the spot? BRENNAN: Burnt flesh on the transformer. And blood on the water pipe. Booth? BOOTH: Yeah? COPELAND: Oh my God. BRENNAN: The electrical circuit must have been completed when Neal backed into this water pipe. SWEETS: (Flashes phone over a bloodied pipe) Look what I found. (Booth discovers a hanging chain for a red light bulb. He pulls the chain and the room is bathed in red light, revealing the words "Welcome to Hell" written on the wall in what appears to be blood.) BOOTH: "Welcome to Hell". ACT SIX (Brennan, Sweets, and Angela are In Angela's office) ANGELA: I ran a simulation of the electrocution based on the current that was generated by the equipment at Havenhurst. (Runs the simulation, Neal survives the electrocution.) SWEETS: Wait, but he's not d*ad. ANGELA: Yeah I know. Based on Neal's age and weight plus the clothes he was wearing, that current would've thrown him clear. He should have survived. BRENNAN: Plus the muscular contortions and spasms were nowhere near violent enough to fracture his wrist. SWEETS: So, then what happened? BRENNAN: What if Neal Lowery wasn't wearing his rubber-soled boots? ANGELA: Okay, give me a second. SWEETS: You know I just don't think that someone who just sh*t himself up with heroin is likely to uh, put his boots on. BRENNAN: Why? SWEETS: Well 'cause he's "on the nod". That means that he uh, vomits and succumbs to the euphoria. ANGELA: Wow, listen to you, all "street". BRENNAN: Maybe Phillip administered the heroin to Neal as though it were some kind of legitimate medicine. SWEETS: No, between the toes, that's not legitimate. ANGELA: The guy is crazy, Sweets. SWEETS: But he's consistent. Phillip operates rationally behind his delusions. He believes he's a doctor. BRENNAN: Angela can you call up a photo of Neal's boots as they were found on the remains? ANGELA: Mm-hmm. BRENNAN: (approaches the screen and points) Uh, here. ANGELA: Okay, lemme get in closer. BRENNAN: Neal Lowery was left-handed, he didn't tie these shoes. SWEETS: What? How can you tell? BRENNAN: Well, a left-handed person double knotting, the second knot would loop behind. This one loops in front. ANGELA: Yeah, but still, it must have been a left-handed person that tied the knot. Only, he or she must have been facing the victim. SWEETS: Oh, that is amazing. I think, it's al- it's also very confusing. ANGELA: I am ready to run the simulation with the boots removed from the equation. (Runs the simulation, this time Neal is k*lled.) BRENNAN: That's it. He was electrocuted first, and then his boots put back on after he was d*ad. SWEETS: Double knots, that's the way someone would treat a child. ANGELA: I say we're looking for somebody left-handed. BRENNAN: I say the k*ller may have left his or her DNA on the laces. (Sweets is with Erica in the observation room at the FBI office. Gabe is behind the window in the interrogation room.) ERICA: It's not possible. It's just not possible. Gabe wouldn't k*ll his brother. SWEETS: Mrs. Lowery, what you and your family have went through, it's almost unbearable. ERICA: Gabe loved his brother, why would he do such a thing? SWEETS: We know that Gabe went to visit Neal the night he disappeared. We believe that there was another patient named Phillip who told Gabe about Neal's hide out in the basement. Gabe found Neal sh**ting up heroin. Gabe struck Neal with a pipe, Neal fell back into a transformer and was electrocuted. ERICA: But the church? The burning on the altar? SWEETS: We all become angry at God sometimes Mrs. Lowery. ERICA: Who could blame him? Why did God do this to my family? We were good people. And then...this. SWEETS: I'm sorry for your pain. ERICA: You? You can't even imagine my pain. (Booth and Brennan are at the diner, drinking coffee) BRENNAN: I need to ask you some things. BOOTH: You gonna ask me about God and the Devil? BRENNAN: Yes. BOOTH: You're going to ask me how God could place such a burden on good people. BRENNAN: No, I'm going to ask you how you can still believe in a kind God after a case like this. BOOTH: Was my faith shaken? Yeah. Mm-hmm. It is. BRENNAN: It is? BOOTH: Yeah. I'll go home tonight and I'll lie in bed, and I'll toss, and I'll turn, and I'll b*at myself up, and uh...I'll question everything. BRENNAN: Will you get your faith back? BOOTH: Always have in the past. BRENNAN: So you have faith that you will retain your faith. (Booth nods) Why? BOOTH: Because, Bones, it's...the sun will come up, and tomorrow's a new day. BRENNAN: (laughs) I know that feeling. BOOTH: Really? BRENNAN: Mm-hmm. BOOTH: You know what it feels like to get your faith back? BRENNAN: When I see effects and I am unable to discern the cause, my faith in reason and consequences is shaken. BOOTH: And then what happens? BRENNAN: Two plus two equals four. I put sugar in my coffee and it tastes sweet. The sun comes up because the world turns. These things are beautiful to me. There are mysteries I will never understand, but everywhere I look, I see proof that for every effect there is a corresponding cause. Even if I can't see it. I find that reassuring. BOOTH: And life is good again. BRENNAN: Life is very good. BOOTH: Yes it is. (Both laugh) END.

{"type": "series", "show": "Bones", "episode": "05x14 - The Devil in the Details"}

foreverdreaming

THE BONES ON THE BLUE LINE (Open: Rock Creek subway Tunnel. Sweets is sitting and listening to his ipod when the guy next to him receives a text message and sits down next to him. Shocked. He starts to tear up.) SWEETS: Uh, excuse me. Are you all right? MARCO: Yes. Yes. Yes, thanks. Yes, in fact, I'm great. I've been fighting leukemia for the past eight years and now I just got a text; I'm cancer free. SWEETS: That's awesome. Congratulations, man. MARCO: It's... Oh, my God. I've been on hold for almost half my life. No more. No. I'm gonna travel, I-I'm going to sleep with exotic women in exotic places, I-I'm gonna do anything I want. SWEETS: Hey, that sounds like a good plan. Congrats, man. (He shakes Marco's hand.) (Cut to: Founding Father. Booth and Brennan are meeting with Riku Iwanaga. She has come all the way from Japan to interview Brennan about her latest book, Bone of Contention.) BRENNAN: Ms. Iwanaga has come all the way over from Japan just to interview me about my new book. BOOTH: So her book is big in Japan, too? RIKU IWANAGA: Yes, very popular. Spine-tingling. BOOTH: Spine-tingling is good, Bones. BRENNAN: Well - well, except when it indicates a dangers nerve disorder. Well, she's also interested in how you work. BOOTH: Oh, sure. As long as we keep you safe. RIKU IWANAGA: That is what Agent Andy would say in your books. (The building starts to shake) RIKU IWANAGA: It is an earthquake. BOOTH: No, no, no, no. It's not earthquake. This - this isn't California. BRENNAN: Well, in both 1811 and 1812, large tremors shook D.C. And again in 1828. (The building shakes again, harder this time) We can discuss this later... BOOTH: Okay, that's pretty... Whoa. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab. Cam is entering the building as it starts to shake) (Cut to: Rock Creek subway Tunnel. The car is shaking, water is spurting out of places and the workers are fleeing the area) MAN IN SUBWAY CAR: What's going on? TUNNEL WORKER #1: Let's get out of there! The main water valve just broke! Go! Go! It's a flood! (Water starts pouring into the tunnel. The subway car rides right through the flood of water and a body washes up against the window. Sweets and Marco see it.) MARCO: Oh, my God. What the hell is that?! (The car starts to shake and the passengers are thrown around. Marco hits his head on the pole and falls to the ground. Sweets gets on the ground, pulls him into his lap and checks for a pulse. Marco's d*ad.) (Cut to: Tunnels. A few hours later. Marco's body is being put into a body bag as Sweets watches from the side. Booth and Brennan arrive at the crime scene.) BOOTH: Look, there's Sweets. BRENNAN: Oh, he looks very upset. BOOTH: Well, when I talked to him, he said the guy died in his arms. COLIN CASEY: You guys with the FBI? BOOTH: FBI, yeah. We're here about the, uh, human remains. COLIN CASEY: That's him right over there. BRENNAN: No, uh, the skeleton. COLIN CASEY: Oh, right. Uh, Officer Grant. She can help you. BOOTH: All right, I'll tell you what, I'll meet up with you. I'm gonna go see Sweets. COLIN CASEY: Officer McKenna Grant is just right over there. BRENNAN: Thanks. TUNNEL WORKER #2: Bring me a line - get that pump working again. (Booth is by Sweets) BOOTH: You all right? SWEETS: Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. BOOTH: You don't look fine. SWEETS: Oh, it's..you know, a whole subway car full of people and uh, worst injury is a broken arm, except for this guy. BOOTH: I can see that. SWEETS: I was just talking to him, um, when-when it h*t and he just b*at cancer. BOOTH: Alright, look. I tell you what...just go over here and have a seat. Try to relax. SWEETS: I, uh. You know, h-he talked about traveling and sleeping with exotic women, and he was gone - just like that. BOOTH: Just have a seat, alright? Just relax, alright? And I'm gonna go check on Bones and I'll come back and I'll take you to the office, alright? SWEETS: That's fine. BOOTH: Okay? SWEETS: Uh, huh. It's no problem. (Officer McKenna Grant is showing Brennan to the body when Booth joins them) OFFICER MCKENNA GRANT: Your friend said the skeleton washed up against the train window; would have freaked me out. BRENNAN: Booth, this is Officer Grant with the transit police. BOOTH: The water mains..they broke all through the city. OFFICER GRANT: Yeah and this station was closed for construction, that's probably why it flooded like that. BRENNAN: This is a male. Early 30s. d*ad at least a week. Probably washed out in the tunnel when the main broke. RIKU IWANAGA: This could be quite a thrilling opening for your next book. BOOTH: Yeah. What did she say? BRENNAN: Never mind. [OPENING CREDITS] (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform.) BRENNAN: There are striations on the bones from animals scavenging. DAISY: Probably rats from the subway tunnel. That explains why there so little tissue left. RIKU IWANAGA: Like the remains in your book Bred in the Bone. BRENNAN: Oh, no. Those remains were eaten by weasels, not rats. It's a different genus altogether, although dentition is similar. CAM: There's some kind of viscous film on the humerus and scapula. I'll take a swab for Hodgins. ANGELA: So, other than the cancer survivor who died in Sweets' subway car, there were no other fatalities; just a couple chimneys down and some stuff falling off the shelves. Really rotten luck for that poor guy...and this one, too, apparently. ANGELA: (noticing Riku) Hello. I'm Angela Montenegro. BRENNAN: Oh, Ms. Iwanaga is interviewing me for a Japanese magazine. (They bow) RIKU IWANAGA: In her books, you must be Amanda. ANGELA: Oh, well, I have a lot more fun than Amanda. BRENNAN: Angela, perhaps you could take Ms.Iwanaga to my office. We can discuss my book a little later. RIKU IWANAGA: Of course. ANGELA: Right this way. (Sweets enters the platform) DAISY: Lance? What are you doing here? SWEETS: I came to offer my-my services. Earthquakes can cause psychological trauma. DAISY: Yes, for you, baby. What you've been through... SWEETS: I'm fine, Daisy. CAM: Sweets, you saw somebody die. DAISY: I know my Lancelot. You needed to see me, didn't you? SWEETS: No, I'm just trying to do my job. DAISY: (dejected) Oh. BRENNAN: Booth told you to go home. He knows about things like this, Sweets. CAM: We'll call if we need you, I promise. We'll have Hodgins drive you home. (Sweets hesistates but then walks away) DAISY: Bye, Lancelot. (He waves goodbye. Daisy is upset that Sweets is upset and won't talk to her) BRENNAN: Note the victim's clavicle. CAM: It's dented. DAISY: And blue. BRENNAN: There's also a blue nick on the C-7. CAM: Something blue pierced his clavicle and went through to the back of his neck. That would have sliced through the carotid artery. BRENNAN: Ms. Wick, take molds of the clavicle for a possible w*apon and swab the blue pigment for Hodgins. (Cut to: Hodgin's Car. Hodgins is giving Sweets a ride home) SWEETS: You didn't have to give me a lift. I have a car. HODGINS: Seeing someone die, Sweets..you don't just go on with your day after something like that. SWEETS: Right, of course. I was just... you know,I thought i-if I could help other people, then... HODGINS: Yes, but you know, sometimes you can't. SWEETS: Eight years of chemo and radiation. He said he was going to do all the things that he'd been putting off, and then he was gone. HODGINS: I'm sorry, man. SWEETS: I just don't... I don't want to disappear without living the life that I want to live. HODGINS: Well, hey, how about you start by taking the afternoon off? (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab. Angela is in Brennan's office with Riku) RIKU IWANAGA: Amanda is the best friend of Dr. Reichs in the books. Are you also friends with Dr.Brennan? ANGELA: Absolutely, yeah, we're, uh, we're best friends. RIKU IWANAGA: I see. Amanda once had sex with Agent Andy. Then I assume you also have... ANGELA: Oh, no, no. No, no, no, no. Not-not me. (Riku writes something down) Wha-what are you writing there? Stop writing. The books and life are not the same thing. Most of the time. (Brennan enters) BRENNAN: Okay, Ms. Iwanaga. I'm all yours. RIKU IWANAGA: Excellent. Dr.Reichs' relationship with Agent Andy is based on you and Booth. The quite notorious sex life they share and... BRENNAN: What? No, we are not them. They're fiction. (Riku writes something down) Wha-what are you writing? Uh, you stard writing before I answered. ANGELA: She loves to write. RIKU IWANAGA: Your readers feel the passion... BRENNAN: My readers appreciate the intricate plots and the unique forensics. Why aren't you writing that down? That was interesting; what I just said. (Daisy enters) DAISY: Dr.Brennan. BRENNAN: Ms. Wick. DAISY: I found a tooth in the victim's scapula. Oh, my gosh. Am I interrupting? BRENNAN: A tooth? I'm sorry, Ms. Iwanaga. We can continue this later. Uh, gomen nasai. (Brennan leaves) RIKU IWANAGA: Do you and Amanda share an interest in painting? ANGELA: Yes...(Riku starts writing again)..but listen, that does not mean that I had a thing with a Norwegian prince. You got that, right? That Amanda and I are different people? Belgian and Norwegian are not at all the same thing. Believe me. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform) DAISY: There. In the coracoid process. At first, I thought it was some kind of mineralized connective tissue, but then I remembered in your book, Dr. Reichs is confounded by the anomalous 13th rib. BRENNAN: Note how you are able to retain the important facts from the book. CAM: And what does all of this mean? It's definitely a tooth. I tested it - a canine. And look here -he's missing his canine. BRENNAN: Well, Someone extracted his tooth and surgically implanted it in his scapula? CAM: Okay, if that's his tooth, what's that in the middle of it? BRENNAN: Modified Osteo-odonto-keratoprosthesis CAM: Of course. It's a new surgery to restore sight. DAISY: In your shoulder? BRENNAN: They use the tooth as an anchor for a prosthetic lens. CAM: So the victim was blind. BRENNAN: This is a rare operation. We should contact ophthalmologists in the area. One of them can probably ID the victim. (Hodgins enters) HODGINS: I identified the blue substance on his bones as a polymer: paint or rubber, maybe dye. That's why I'd like to go searching for rat poop. CAM: Of course you'd like that. BRENNAN: Yes, the victim was eaten by rats in the subway tunnels. DAISY: Rat excrement will contain not only inorganic clues but digested remains from the victim. That could give vs time of death, too. CAM: Go for it. HODGINS: Well, I'll need some help. (to Daisy) You seem to know your poop. (Cut to: Subway tunnels. Hodgins and Daisy are looking for a rats nest. Daisy is taking pictures.) DAISY: Did you get to the part in Bone of Contention where Kathy has to swim through the sewage tunnel looking for the k*ller's teeth? HODGINS: Da, da, da, da, da. I'm on page three so far. I've been busy with the m*rder. DAISY: I speed-read. HODGINS: Yeah, of course you do. Hey! Rat poop. Let's bag that, okay? (he sees a rat) There's our furry little friends. Alright, there's gotta be a rat's nest nearby 'cause rat's stay close to home. So, keep your eyes open. DAISY: Here's a trail of fecal matter. HODGINS: Yep. DAISY: I think it's Dr.Brennan's best book. People think that scientists aren't romantic but Dr.Brennan has a knack for the steamy. HODGINS: Yeah, still waters run deep. DAISY: Wait until you get to page 187. It is H.O.T! She describes this move that Agent Andy makes. Lance and I tried it a few times, and oh my god. The neighbors complained. HODGINS: Rat poop, Miss Wick. Rat poop. DAISY: You have to check it out. Rat nest! HODGINS: Wow. As rat nests go, this is the mother ship. There's got to be some gift in here for us. DAISY: Ventilation grates. The body could've been dropped through there. HODGINS: Yeah, alright. Let's start bagging some excrement. DAISY: A white cane. Our victim was blind. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. Angela & Daisy are sharing their findings with Cam.) ANGELA: Martin Aragon. 30 years old. Lives in Kingman Park. DAISY: His eye surgeon identified him. ANGELA: He's a scribe. CAM: I beg your pardon? ANGELA: Seriously, he wrote letters for a living. His, uh, business partner's name is Sophia Meade. DAISY: I don't like today one bit. This man was on the verge of maybe having his sight returned and Lance's d*ad friend from the subway just found out he was cured of leukemia. CAM: Yeah, it's ironic. DAISY: With all due respect, that's not irony. People may think it's irony but it's really just an unfortunate juxtaposition of events. ANGELA: Well, guess they're gonna need a shorter word for that. (Cut to: Founding Fathers. Brennan is having lunch with Riku. RIKU IWANAGA: Dr.Brennan, why doesn't Agent Andy wear a "cocky" belt buckle? BRENNAN: Because Andy isn't Booth but why does everyone think that? RIKU IWANAGA: Agent Booth thinks he is. He says they are both brave and attractive. BRENNAN: Well, he's wrong. RIKU IWANAGA: You do not think he's attractive? BRENNAN: Uh, I think his symmetry is pleasing, yes but Ms. Iwanaga, the characters in my books are really only there to further the forensics. RIKU IWANAGA: I do not agree. The sex is very involving. BRENNAN: Why does everyone think that? It's just sex. RIKU IWANAGA: Imaginative sex. BRENNAN: Okay, I only include that - and the personal interactions - to denote the passage of time. Wh-what are you writing? I only took conversational Japanese. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Ookey Room. Hodgins is examining particulates under the microscope and Brennan's new book is sitting next to him on the desk. He picks up the book) HODGINS: Page 187. (he reads) Oh, my God. (Cam runs into Hodgins in the Hallway. He's on his way to see Angela.) CAM: Hodgins. One moment please. Personal privilege, point of order. (Hodgins enters Angela's office holding up the book.) ANGELA: How's your rat poop? HODGINS: Page 187. Mind reading it aloud? ANGELA: Page 187? I am not reading the sparky bits to you. You can get somebody else to do that, sicko. HODGINS: Okay, fine. Read it to yourself then. (she starts to read) That's that thing that I do. Nobody else does that thing. It's my thing that I do. Right. It's not a well-known thing. It's, you know, my thing that I do. ANGELA: Right, I remember. I was there. HODGINS: You told Brennan about that thing I do. ANGELA: It's a very good thing. HODGINS: It's my thing. That I do. Did you tell her that it was my thing? ANGELA: You mean, did I give you credit? HODGINS: Yes. Did you? ANGELA: No. HODGINS: Good, 'cause I don't need her looking at me thinking about.. that thing I do. ANGELA: Well, that's good then. HODGINS: But now that thing I do is in print and every guy that reads that book is gonna give it a sh*t. (he sighs) Oh, well. You know I got other things that I do. My advice: only sleep with guys that can't read 'cause otherwise, you'll never be rid of me. (He leaves) (Cut to: Bone Room. Daisy is handing Brennan a skull when...) DAISY: I'm very worried about Lance. I didn mean say that out loud. I just thought it so hard that it popped out of my mouth. BRENNAN: Apology accepted. DAISY: That guy dying right in front of him really freaked him out. He's very sensitive, not inured to death and mortality like you and I are. BRENNAN: The pattern of this pitting...I believe it resulted from blowback. DAISY: From a g*n? BRENNAN: Most probably. DAISY: The victim was sh*t with a g*n and was standing in front of something glass. BRENNAN: Which shattered and blew back into his skull. DAISY: The b*llet must've been blue. Are there such things as blue b*ll*ts? That's for me to find out, right? Yes. 'Cause that's my job. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Booth's Office. Booth is talking with Sophia Meade, Martin Aragon's business partner.) SOPHIA MEADE: Martin and I have been business partners for six years. We've been writing letters for people since we got out of college. BOOTH: How did he adjust to the fact that he was going blind? SOPHIA: He loved reading and writing more than anything. The past couple of years he's been very down and depressed. That's why he got the operation. BOOTH: Listen, how does this whole, uh, professional letter writing thing, work? SOPHIA: Well, most people are unable to express themselves in a cogent manner; Martin and I know how to do that. BOOTH: Does it pay well? SOPHIA: $50 a page for simple letters. BOOTH: 50 bucks? SOPHIA: $250 for legalese. BOOTH: So, uh, someone owes me money... SOPHIA: You come to us, yes. Or if you got bad service, letters to the editor, congressmen even Dear John letters. BOOTH: When was the last time you saw your partner? SOPHIA: Last week. We don't work together every day. I have kids. I work from home. BOOTH: So, uh, clients- did they ever want their money back? SOPHIA: We have dissatisfied customers like any business but none's ever thr*at us. You're welcome to look at our archives. BOOTH: Oh, so you have copies of everything. SOPHIA: Yes, on disk. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Conference Room. A few hours later. Sweets & Booth are looking at the letters) BOOTH: God, our victim was an expert on eveything. I mean, look at all these letters here: parking tickets, income tax, court orders, the whole thing. I mean, it's getting to a pot where I'd want to k*ll him too. Sweets? SWEETS: Yeah, yeah. Sorry. BOOTH: You sure you're ready to come back to work? SWEETS: Yeah, I'm fine. BOOTH: You know, that guy on the subway? Another way to look at it is, um, that he died happy. SWEETS: What? BOOTH: Well, I mean, think about it. This guy gets this great news and what's he do? He shares it with a stranger. SWEETS: You're gonna think I'm stupid for saying this but the whole thing...it felt like a message. BOOTH: Right, a message. I believe in messages. SWEETS: Yeah, it was like a message. "Go ye forth and live life to the fullest." Something like that. BOOTH: Live life to its fullest. SWEETS: Yeah. BOOTH: People should do that more often. Moment to moment, day to day but they don't. (Booth finds something on the screen) Wait till you see this. Look at this letter right here. A letter actually written by the victim. I mean, it's written by him and signed, uh, signed by him. SWEETS: He's complaining about a sandwich frahchise. Says it's disgusting and should be shut down. BOOTH: What? Yeah, but you know what? Keep reading; he kept the reply. SWEETS: (reading) "You're destroying my career and my living. People have been k*lled for less." (to Booth) It's a death thr*at. BOOTH: It's a death thr*at. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Ookey Room. Hodgins has a display set up) HODGINS: I put together a time line made out of rat poop. CAM: And now I'm in a sixth-grade science fair. HODGINS: The oldest poop, containing human remains, dates from seven days ago. Now, I also found this. CAM: Is that the color that was found on the bones? HODGINS: Mhm. The same sub-micrometer blue polymer base material. Now, I'm running a scan companies at manufacture it to see if it's ever been used for amm*nit*on and check this out. Also found this. CAM: Is that leather? HODGINS: Mhm, it's a piece from the sole of a shoe. CAM: The victim's? HODGINS: No. His we matched with DNA. This leather was found in a rat's stomach along with bits of the victim. They were ingested at the same time. CAM: This could've come from whoever k*lled Martin Aragon. What do you know. King of the lab. HODGINS: Wow! That's a first. Usually I have to say it. CAM: Yes, but I wanted to hear how it sounded with a touch of modesty. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Interrogation Room. Stewart Bonder is sitting at the table. Booth enters.) BOOTH: Stewart, hello. So, I spoke to Sammy's corporate office. I found out you lost your franchise in Rock Creek last month. STEWART BONDER: What's this about? BOOTH: They said at they pulled the plug on you because you got into, uh, what they called a, uh, altercation with one of the customers there. You two fought. STEWART: Oh, yeah. That blind creep, Aragon. He comes in twice a week for three months. One day he gets sick and it's my fault. Those letters, they was just some kind of crazy vendetta. So, what's this? Son of a bitch coming after me again? BOOTH: He's d*ad. He was m*rder. STEWART: Well, then someone did the world a favor but it wasn't me. That bastard cost me over $100,000. I lost everything. BOOTH: You wrote him back. Saying you'd k*ll him if he didn't stop writing to the head office. STEWART: Ho-hold on, man. That's just something that you say, okay? I was going under. My wife left me. I offered him five free lunches but nothing was good enough for him. Where were you last Thursday night? Anywhere near Rock Creek subway station? STEWART: Why? BOOTH: Why? A second ago you're happy he's d*ad, now you don't want to tell me anything? STEWART: Man! Even from the grave this dude is ruining my life. Hey, look, I don't have to say nothing. I-I want one of those court-appointed lawyers. BOOTH: Sure. Okay. Take about a couple of hours. Sit tight. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Brennan's Office. Brennan and Riko are talking) BRENNAN: I believe my books are popular because they introduce the reader to the world of forensic anthropology. Why aren't you writing? You uslly write down everything. RIKU IWANAGA: Why did it take so long for Dr.Reichs to have sex with Agent Andy? BRENNAN: For the same reason that she used s*ab isotos to determine that the victim spent her childhood in East Timor. The oxygen isotopes we ingest through food and water are incorporated into the hydroxyl carbonic apatite of bone. You-you should be writing this down. RIKU IWANAGA: Will she ever tell Andy about her affair with Ryan? BRENNAN: That was inconsequential fluff, Ms. Iwanaga. RIKU IWANAGA: It's why they fight in chapter six. BRENNAN: Well, they identify the lotus tooth in chapter six. RIKU IWANAGA: That is when their passion is released: page 187. BRENNAN: Why are you only asking about things that mean nothing? RIKU IWANAGA: Those are the things that mean everything. (Cut to: Street - Day. Booth and Brennan are walking.) BRENNAN: All anyone cares about are the characters. BOOTH: Well, it's what they relate too, you know, makes the story real. BRENNAN: No. The facts make it real. They're indisputable. BOOTH: Okay, well, if you believed that, you wouldn't write it as well as you do. BRENNAN: Angela helps me with those scenes. BOOTH: What? BRENNAN: Angela helps me. BOOTH: Page 187? BRENNAN: Angela. Though, I'm anxious to try it. (She enters Founding Fathers) BOOTH: Really? (He follows) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. Her and Sweets are going over the letters.) ANGELA: So, these are all the letters he was paid to write? SWEETS: Yeah, yeah, look at this one. (he reads) "Your breath gives me life. We're joined by loves tender coil. Sight ruled by my heart alone. ANGELA: That is very romantic; somebody definitely got their money's worth. SWEETS: No, I-I don't think it was written for a stranger. ANGELA: Yeah, but, this is for the customer. SWEETS: Yeah, look."sight ruled by my heart alone." He was blind. It's about him. (Daisy enters.) DAISY: Lance. I heard you were here. I've been calling. SWEETS: I know. Um, I've busy doing lot of thinking, Daisy. DAISY: About what? I know something is bothering you. You have to share it with me. ANGELA: Uh, guys I'm gonna leave. SWEETS: (to Angela) No, you know what? We should work. (to Daisy) I'll call you. I'll call you. DAISY: Okay I'll... okay. (Daisy leaves) ANGELA: What's going on, Sweets? SWEETS: You know, I only have one life, Angela and I don't wan to play it safe, so..now I'd really like to work. ANGELA: Okay. I can check these e-mail headers to see who got this letters. maybe it was some love affair gone wrong. Okay,the server sent the message to this IP address. The remote desktop is open. SWEETS: Okay, what just happened? ANGELA: Uh...well, we now have full control over the computer that received these emails. SWEETS: Whoa, what did you just do? ANGELA: Turned the web cam on. SWEETS: Hey, that is the manager at the subway station. ANGELA: Well, then that is who Martin Aragon sent the love letters to. (Cut to: Angela's Car - Day. Angela took Daisy out for a drive.) DAISY: Where are we going? ANGELA: Uh, Cam asked me get you out of the lab. DAISY: Why? ANGELA: Because you keep sighing and moaning. DAISY: Oh, I thought I was keeping that to myself. ANGELA: No, no. You were sharing with everyone. DAISY: Why do you drive a minivan? Do you have kids that we don't know about. ANGELA: I'm artist, Daisy and the Sienna has plenty of room. Plus, I stink at parallel parking and the back up camera thing is like the invention of the century. So why are you sighing and moaning, Daisy? DAISY: Because... Have you ever been dumped? ANGELA: Of course. Hasn't everybody? DAISY: Not me. ANGELA: Never? DAISY: Never. I'm smart, I'm extremely attractive plus I'm a sexual dynamo. ANGELA: So, you think that Sweets is going to break up with you? DAISY: I don't know because it's never happened before. He's pushing me away. He's been avoiding me. ANGELA: Oh, you don't have anything to worry about. DAISY: Why? ANGELA: Because before they break up with you guys usually get really affectionate and sweet. DAISY: Does it always happen like that? ANGELA: No. No, not always. DAISY: So you can't get me any real help at all, even though you've been dumped a lot. ANGELA: Not a lot. DAISY: Why would Lance break up with me? I'm awesome. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters. Booth is talking to Colin Casey) COLIN: I paid the dude to write letters for me. Is that a crime? BOOTH: To? COLIN: Officer McKenna Grant. BOOTH: Officer Grant,the transit cop that was at the accident? COLIN: Yeah. I was getting nowhere with her. She was all wrapped up with this dude, Eddie Ceraficki. Aragon said he could appeal to her romantic side. BOOTH: So you could close the deal. COLIN: Yeah, she's has cute ass, y'know? I thought maybe that poerty stuff, it could work. BOOTH: Right, right. You are quite a romantic, Colin. Tell you what, though. Martin Aragon was m*rder. COLIN: You're kidding me. BOOTH: Try to look surprised, okay. It'll help. COLIN: I swear, I had no idea. BOOTH: You know, maybe when he wrote these letters to her-- Yeah, yeah. That's what it is. You know, maybe when he wrote these letters her, he actually fell in love with her himself? COLIN: Why would i care? As long as letters worked. BOOTH: But those letter, they didn't work and you - you shelled out a lot of money for those letters, right? What do you end up with? A blind guy who falls in love with your girliend. That would make you pretty mad, wouldn't it. Am I right, Colin? (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. She's talking to Booth, on the phone, while he is driving.) ANGELA: I feel uncomfortable talking about this. Is this because of something that that Japanese journalist said? BOOTH: No, no, no, no. It's just...Riku asked Bones about some of the character stuff in the book and when were alone..Bones, she told me you helped her. ANGELA: Yeah. I mean, I might have given her a few suggestions. That'all. BOOTH: Suggestions? Like, um..? ANGELA: Okay, look, Brennan types up her book and then I go to her place and I lie on the couch, I mean, with a glass of wine,and she reads me the book. I make suggestions. BOOTH: Um, she reads you the whole book? ANGELA: Well, yeah. Yeah. And I say..."You know what would be great here? If they were naked. Or um, "What if he says this to her and then they laugh and then they kiss?" You know, that kind of stuff. BOOTH: The good stuff, you mean. ANGELA: No, do not do that, Booth. She writes the book. I just drink wine and make suggestions. Like her editor. And editors do not get credit. BOOTH: How 'bout page 187? ANGELA: What is it with you guys and page 187? I have to go. I'm busy. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Conference Room. Booth throws down a stack on the table in front of McKenna Grant) BOOTH: Recognize these? OFFICER GRANT: Where did you get these? BOOTH: From the m*rder victim's computer. He wrote them to you, didn't he? OFFICER GRANT: No. These letters were sent to me by Colin Casey. BOOTH: No, Colin paid Martin Aragon to write these. OFFICER GRANT: Well, he wasted his money 'cause I only went out with him a couple times. But you think that maybe Colin blamed the blind guy for not sealing deal? No, sorry but Colin isn't exactly the tough type guy. Eddie may be, not Colin. BOOTH: Eddie. Your previous boyfriend? OFFICER GRANT: Yeah, he, um, well, when I left Eddie for Colin, he came down and punched Collin up a little bit. Not hospital punching, but yeah, you know. Knocked him around. BOOTH: What if Eddie found out that Colin used the blind guy's letters to, uh, woo you away? Where would we find Eddie. OFFICER GRANT: He owns a pawnshop just above Rock Creek station where I work. BOOTH: Is that how you met him? OFFICER GRANT: No, I met Eddie when I arrested him for carrying pizza and w*apon. Yeah, I hear you. I got issues with men. Thanks for update. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. Hodgins, Daisy, Cam and Angela are reviewing evidence) HODGINS: This is a Quasar safety slug. It was designed to dissintegrate so it wouldn't riccoshe after it hits its target. DAISY: So it's safe b*llet? CAM: Not for the person it hits, just anyone else in the room. ANGELA: Now, this is a thin clothing of blue colour. DAISY: That must be what left marks on the clavicle C-7. CAM: Perhaps 'cause the ammunititon is so rare, we could trace buyers. HODGINS: We're not done yet. Now, turning our attention to glass fragments embedded in the back of our victim's head. CAM: The b*llet exited our victim, shattered a glass object behind him before disintegrating. ANGELA: Right. The angle of applied force was 28 degrees. So if I extend the incidence lines, the point of intersection is here. Which means he was standing between 45 and 60 centimeters in front of the glass object when he was sh*t. CAM: Okay, then we find that glass and find where he was k*lled. HODGINS: Well, we're still not done. (The photographs Daisy took of the rats appear on the screen) DAISY: Hey! Those are my photographs from when Dr.Hodgins and Is went to find the rat poop. CAM: Let's not get emotional, Ms. Wick. HODGINS: Okay, so we need to find glass fixtures that contain borosilicate. We find that here. ANGELA: Now,I scanned for color frequencs on the wall where the b*llet would have disintegrated. The blue polymer emits about 420 nanomers. CAM: You found where he was murded. HODGINS: He was was lured into this tunnel and was sh*t. DAISY: Let the record show that my photographs were invaluable to the process. There's no record, is there? (Cut to: Eddie's Pawn Shop. Booth, Brennan are there to talk to Eddie Ceraficki. Riko is still tagging along) RIKU IWANAGA: This is pawnshop...like the one in your first book when Doctor Reichs and Agent Andy removed their clothes in the two-man submarine. BRENNAN: The pulverized acromion is the important part of that book. BOOTH: Yeah, well, you know what, I like the sub. EDDIE CERAFICKI: I can hardly wait to see what you three are looking for. Oh, come on. You've got to be kidding me. BOOTH: You own an g*n, Mr. Ceraficki? EDDIE: Of course I own a g*n. It's a pawnshop. Never had to use it. I mean, I wave it around from time to time, but... BRENNAN: Why is he allowed to carry a g*n after he was arrested on concealed w*apon charge? EDDIE: That was a mistake. I accidental put it in my pocket, you know, when left work. BOOTH: Can we see the g*n, please? It's just right over here. (Eddie goes to get the g*n out of a bag from back against the wall) BOOTH: Uh-uh--Real easy there. Don't want any sudden movements. No mistakes. That's it. RIKU IWANAGA: That is very sexy. Big Andy, with a g*n, protecting Kathy. BRENNAN: No, no, no. He's not Andy and I'm not Kathy. Plus, it's even more exciting when he sh**t someone with it. BOOTH: Bones. BRENNAN: Well, it is, Booth. And very impressive. He never misses. RIKU IWANAGA: Andy sometimes misses. BRENNAN: Yes. See? BOOTH: Sorry about that one, pal. EDDIE: I get it. Cops gotta be careful. BOOTH: Is that a box of a*mo over there? (He takes the top off the box; they're Quasar safety slugs) BRENNAN: Aha! Gotcha, dirtbag! EDDIE: Got me for what? BOOTH: (to Riko) Don't write that. BRENNAN: What? We got him. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Interrogation Room. Booth is talking with Eddie) BOOTH: Officer Grant says you have quite a temper. EDDIE: Yeah. Well. Guy starts writing love letters to your girlfriend, then she dumps you for him? He's gonna get a pop in the nose. It's practically the law, right? BOOTH: Yeah. Right, so you punch him in the nose, that's fine. EDDIE: Thank you. BOOTH: Then you find out that it wasn't Colin Casey who wrote the letters. EDDIE: What? He admitted it. BOOTH: No, no, no. He hired someone else to write the letters. You find that out, then you get really pissed off and you sh**t him. EDDIE: Who? BOOTH: Martin Aragon. The guy who actually wrote the letters. EDDIE: Oh, wait, wait. So she dumped me for another guy? BOOTH: No, she dumped you for Colin. EDDIE: Alright, now I'm confused. BOOTH: The point of all of this is that we have your fancy blue b*ll*ts and the g*n and we know where you sh*t him. EDDIE: I never sh*t my g*n. I told you already. Okay? I might wave it around from time to time if some bad-looking dude comes in my joint,but I never sh*t it. And plus, I-I'm sure you figured out that those blue b*ll*ts don't fit in that g*n. BOOTH: Guy could have two g*n, right? EDDIE: Who are you saying I k*lled again? BOOTH: I'll tell you what, Eddie. If you have nothing to hide, why don't you just show me the g*n that uses these fancy blue b*ll*ts? (he pauses so that Eddie could answer..when he doesn't..) Okay, let the record show that the suspect acted very suspiciously when I asked him to produce the w*apon. EDDIE: No. Wait! Okay. I gave the g*n to somebody. BOOTH: Who? EDDIE: She said I was a stiff sometimes. Alright? Boring, I guess and she wanted me to be a little romantic, so I gave her the g*n that brought us together in the first place. BOOTH: Officer Grant? EDDIE: Yeah. Got it engraved and I gave it to her for Valentine's Day. So, now, are you gonna inform the record on what to show on that? BOOTH: There is no record. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Conference Room. Booth and Brennan are waiting for Officer Grant to arrive. She's brought in by another FBI Agent.) BOOTH: Officer Grant, thanks for coming in. Can I have your sidearm, please? OFFICER GRANT: What's this about? BOOTH: Well, we got a warrant to, uh, search your apartment. Will you have a seat, please? We, uh, found Eddie's g*n. It says,"You can arrest me anytime. Eddie." BRENNAN: You're a law enforcement professional; why would you keep the m*rder w*apon? OFFICER GRANT: I am a law enforcement professional and if you had any evidence that wasn't circumstantial, you'd have arrested me. So, I guess I'll be leaving. It's been a pleasure. BOOTH: Hold on...for one second, please. We also have a warrant for your shoes. OFFICER GRANT: My shoes? (Brennan holds up an evidence bag.) What's that? BRENNAN: Leather we found with the victim's tissue. Inside a rat. If we can match this leather to your shoes, it'll show that you were there when the victim died. BOOTH: Will you please remove your shoes, Officer Grant? (Booth closes the door and Officer Grant sits down) OFFICER GRANT: Eddie was a good guy. I just wanted a little romance but those letters were a lie. I should have been happy with Eddie. I should have been happy with what I had. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Hallway. Brennan is walking Riku Iwanaga out.) RIKU IWANAGA: Thank you very much. I have a big article to write. BRENNAN: Well, I hope you would stress important things in my novels. RIKU IWANAGA: I have learned very much. BRENNAN: Yes, you learned that rat excrement can provide not only the time line, but also, very important non-circumstantial evidence. RIKU IWANAGA: I also learned that people should not take credit for what other people write. BRENNAN: What is that supposed to mean? RIKU IWANAGA: Uh, I mean the man who was m*rder, of course. BRENNAN: oh. RIKU IWANAGA: Arigato. BRENNAN: Arigato. (They bow. Riku leaves and Brennan sees Angela working in her office and smiles at her) (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Conference Room. Sweets is with Sophia Meade.) SOPHIA: "Unseen,I feel your spirit as we work. The scent of your hair. The accidental brush of your skin. I hear your heart beating. Mine beating with yours as one. "I breathe when you breathe, breath to breath, heartbeat to heartbeat..." You believe Martin wrote these letters to me? SWEETS: Yeah. The imagery, the syntax, the emotion. Yes, I do. SOPHIA: So you're saying he was in love with me? SWEETS: I wasn't sure whether to tell you, but... I figured that if I was him, I wouldn't want my fear to prevent you from knowing how I felt. SOPHIA: But he never said anything..but Martin wouldn't, would he? I was married. I had children. I was happy. He could never have what he wanted. Poor Martin. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. Brennan enters and hands her an envelope) ANGELA: What is this? BRENNAN: It's your share. ANGELA: My share of what? BRENNAN: My advance, plus an estimation of what you deserve for the other two books. ANGELA: Okay, would you stop talking as though I know what you're talking about? BRENNAN: I've come to realize, over the past couple days, that you deserve twenty-five percent of what I get for my books. ANGELA: Does this have to do with Hodgins and the whole sex thing on page 187? BRENNAN: Among other things. ANGELA: So, is this Booth's idea? BRENNAN: Uh, no. I did my own math. Booth is terrible at math. ANGELA: Well, I meant the whole "share" thing. BRENNAN: Booth's surprise at your involvement caused me to reevaluate our arrangement. (Brennan goes to leave and Angela opens the envelope. When she pulls out the check and almosts faints. That's a lot of zeros...) ANGELA: Oooh. BRENNAN: Is my math incorrect? ANGELA: Wow..um, this is... this is twenty-five percent? BRENNAN: Yes. I figure if my agent gets ten percent - you deserve more. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Bone Room. Daisy is putting bones away.) SWEETS: Daisy. DAISY: Lancelot, there you are. Don't touch the bones. SWEETS: Oh, did it look like I was going to? I wasn't. DAISY: I've been trying to call you. You've been avoiding me, haven't you? SWEETS: Yeah. I, uh, I just... I needed to think about some things. About you and-and me and-and what I want my life to be. DAISY: Is this because of the boy who didn't die of leukemia? SWEETS: Yeah. DAISY: And you're here because you decided something? SWEETS: Yeah. DAISY: Am I going to like what you decided? SWEETS: I don't know. I just want to say that I don't want to spend any more time away from you than I have to. DAISY: What? SWEETS: I'm doing this wrong. Um, when my mom died, she left me something and my mom and dad were together for almost 60 years. DAISY: They were really old. SWEETS: Yeah, they were really old when they adopted me. (He takes a ring box out of his coat pocket and opens it) Um... It's just a modest ring, but it represents 60 years of love. (he gets on one knee) Daisy, will you be my wife? DAISY: (she gets on her knees and wraps her arms around Sweets) It would make me incredibly happy if you would be my husband. (she kisses him) I'm sorry about everyone else - all the bad things - but that earthquake was the luckiest thing in the world for me. (They kiss again) (Cut to: Brennan's Apartment - Night. Brennan opens her door (in a robe), Booth is there.) BOOTH: You are not going to believe this. BRENNAN: Come in. You want a drink? I have some Chinese food in the refrigerator. BOOTH: Uh, a drink. Scotch. BRENNAN: What am I not going to believe? BOOTH: Officer Grant got a lawyer. BRENNAN: Well, we just arrested her for m*rder. I believe that. BOOTH: Right, Eddie...Eddie got her the best defense attorney in town. BRENNAN: That is hard to believe. BOOTH: I know. Right? He heard what she did for him and he fall in love with her all over again. BRENNAN: That is not rational. BOOTH: Yeah. You know what? I still can be surprised by people. BRENNAN: Is that good or bad? BOOTH: Uh, bad? I think. Uh... I don't know. BRENNAN: Well, if she's convicted, even with good behavior, she'll be in prison for the next 15 years. BOOTH: Yeah, but he said that they're soul mates and he'll it for however long it takes for her to get out. BRENNAN: Soul mates. BOOTH: Soul mates. Yeah. BRENNAN: The idea of soul mates actually originated with Plato. BOOTH: Yeah, you mean the-the clay that kids play with. BRENNAN: No, the...Oooh. (she laughs) BOOTH: What? BRENNAN: You're joking. BOOTH: Me, joke? No. BRENNAN: No, the ancient Greek philosopher. His theory was that humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs and two faces. Zeus was thr*at by their power and split them all in half, condemning us all to spend our lives trying to complete ourselves. BOOTH: I don't believe that's true. BRENNAN: I agree. It's ridiculous. BOOTH: Right? Four arms. Four heads. BRENNAN: Two faces. BOOTH: Come on. END.

{"type": "series", "show": "Bones", "episode": "05x15 - The Bones on the Blue Line"}

foreverdreaming

THE PARTS IN THE SUM OF THE WHOLE (Open: Outside FBI Headquarters. Booth & Brennan are coming up the escalator. Brennan is carrying the manuscript to Sweets book.) BOOTH: You know, we're gonna have to break this to Sweets very gently. BRENNAN: Why? He should be grateful. BOOTH: He'll grateful later. BRENNAN: What do you mean? BOOTH: Well, you know how people are grateful when you yell "f*re" but before they're grateful, they panic and run into walls. BRENNAN: You think Sweets is going to panic and run into a wall? (Booth looks at her) Metaphorically. Okay. I got it. BOOTH: He's not gonna like it. BRENNAN: Well, if there was a mistake in one of my books, I'd want to know. BOOTH: What you call "a mistake", Sweets calls "interpretation". BRENNAN: Interpretation? No. It's an actual factual error. BOOTH: Okay, what exactly do you think, you think we're telling him about? BRENNAN: Page 31. And I quote "Subjects worked together for the first time in solving the m*rder of pregnant Congressional intern, Cleo Eller. BOOTH: Oooh. Right, yeah. That's right. We worked that other case before that. BRENNAN: What did you think we were going to talk to him about? BOOTH: The whole, uh, love thing? BRENNAN: Love thing? Oh, his conclusion we're in love? I don't care about that. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Sweet's Office. Booth and Brennan just arrived and told Sweets that there was a mistake in his book) SWEETS: What mistake? BOOTH: Hint, it's not what you think. SWEETS: You disagree with my conclusion that the two of you are in love and the sublimating energies of that connection are responsible for the energy, vigor and rigor that you bring to your homicide investigations. BOOTH: I just told you, it's not what you think..and you immediately say what you think. BRENNAN: That's your interpretation. We recognize your right to interpret. SWEETS: You do? BRENNAN: That's your right as a psychologist to get everything wrong. I have circled some typos - other than that and the fact that the Cleo Eller m*rder was not our first case, you're ready to publish. SWEETS: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. My interpretation of your working relationship is based on the unfolding, interpersonal dynamics of that first case. BOOTH: It wasn't our first case. SWEETS: It wasn't your first case. BRENNAN: It's not. SWEETS: Then, please. Tell me all about that real first case to see if my conclusions are still valid. (They look at each other. Booth nods at Brennan and they sit down) BRENNAN: A girl was m*rder and her remains were thrown in a landfill. BOOTH: Her name was Gemma Arrington. The case was going nowhere, I was at an early morning Gambler's Anonymous meeting.. (Cut to: August '04. Booth is at a Pool Hall sh**ting pool. He has money riding on the game) POOL SHARK: Snap the 9. BOOTH: Rack 'em. BRENNAN: (V.O) Booth had a gambling problem before he met me. BOOTH: (V.O) Well, since I mostly won, it really wasn't a problem. BRENNAN: (V.O) But it took your focus away from more important things. Like work. BOOTH: (V.O) You know, I was getting it under control. POOL SHARK: (he hands him a $20) Nice sh*t, Tex. BOOTH: Thanks. (Booth's phone rings) BOOTH: Booth. Right. Okay. I'm on my way. (Cut to: Park - Day. A woman is sitting on the bench. Booth joins her.) MOM: Thank you for seeing me. BOOTH: (V.O) The victims mother, Jocelyn, came to see me to tell me that the NY Corner's office was releasing her daughters remains for burial. She was all upset. SWEETS: (V.O) Upset, why? (Cut to: Present Day. FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office. ) BRENNAN: The police had given up hope of finding her daughters k*ller. BOOTH: You see, the case was a split jurisdiction. The girl was last seen in D.C. but her body was found in New York in a landfill. (Cut to: August '04. FBI Headquarters - Elevator. Booth is reading the paper - when he lowers it, we see Cam - who was the New York Corner at the time. She joins him on the elevator) BOOTH: (V.O) The New York Coroner was in town, and uh, I decided to meet with her. BOOTH: Camille. CAM: Seeley. (the elevator doors close.) I can get you Gemma's file but you know the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again, expecting a different outcome. BOOTH: Okay. Maybe I missed something. CAM: How's about you get another point of view. BOOTH: Partner up. No. You know I don't do that. CAM: There's a Forensic Anthropologist, at the Jeffersonian; I read that she solved how a stone aged hunter was m*rder. BOOTH: How does that help? CAM: If she can solve a 4,000 year old homicide, maybe she can help on Gemma Arrington. I could release the remains to her. BOOTH: Ya know what, Cam? Uh, I'll catch up with you later, alright. Forensics don't solve crimes; cops do. CAM: Same activity. Same results. Speaking of which, you look like you've been up all night. BOOTH: I'm fine. CAM: Meaning, you won? (She heads back to the elevator. Booth goes after and stops the doors from closing) BOOTH: Hey, hey, hey, hey. BRENNAN: (V.O) That's when he said... BOOTH: What's that scientist's name? BRENNAN: (V.O) And Cam answered: Temperance Brennan. (Cut to: Present Day. FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office. ) BRENNAN: Which is me. (Cut to: August '04. American University. Brennan is lecturing a class.) BRENNAN: Most methods of removing flesh have disadvantages.. BRENNAN: (V.O) I was lecturing on de-fleshing techniques at American University. BRENNAN:..methods which preserve the bone, perfectly, require patience. (Booth opens the door at the lecture hall) BOOTH: (V.O) Bones was not what I expected. BRENNAN: ..works quickly but the bone itself, is cooked; transforming the marrow. The first step is to use conventional surgical instruments being very careful that the scalpel, forceps never come in contact with the bone. Any questions? BOOTH: (raising his hand) Yeah, I have a question. It seems to me if you, uh, remove the flesh aren't you, uh, destroying the evidence. BRENNAN: On the contrary. I am revealing evidence. (the bell rings) Thank you. See you next week. (The students leave but Booth heads toward where Brennan is standing.) BOOTH: Ah, just, uh, one more thing. I mean, isn't all the good evidence in the flesh. You know, like, the poison and s*ab wounds and the b*ll*ts. BRENNAN: All of the important indicators are written in the bone if you look carefully. BOOTH: So that's your thing. BRENNAN: Yes. I am the best in the world. BOOTH: Oh. Okay. You're serious. (Cut to: Present Day. FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office.) BRENNAN: (laughing) He thought I was being humorous. BOOTH: It turns out to be true. BRENNAN: But you didn't know that yet. (Cut to: August '04. American University.) BRENNAN: Are you a student here? BOOTH: Special Agent Seeley Booth from the FBI. BRENNAN: I'm Doctor Temperance Brennan from the Jeffersonian Institution. BOOTH: Do you believe in fate? BRENNAN: Absolutely not. Ludicrous. (Cut to: Present Day. FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office.) BRENNAN: I still don't. BOOTH: And I still do. [OPENING CREDITS] (Cut to: Present Day. FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office. ) BRENNAN: Booth decided not to provide me with the m*rder victims identity. (Cut to: August '04. Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform. Brennan and Zack are examing the remains.) BOOTH: (V.O) I wanted to see if she could find out what I already knew. ZACK: A modicum of connective tissue indicates that, depending upon burial conditions, the remains are less than 200 years old. BRENNAN: Zack, we have to shift the paradigm; this is a recent m*rder. ZACK: What does this FBI agent want? BRENNAN: Identification of the remains. Apparently, the FBI has had no luck with dental records or missing persons. ZACK: The pelvis tells us, female who has never given birth. The rupture of the third molar indicates adolescent. (Hodgins enters the platform) Fingernails have lacquer on them. Fractures to the Pars interarticularis of the C2, indicate a blow to the forehead which may have cause unconsciousness but not death. HODGINS: What are you doing? ZACK: We are identifying a m*rder victim. HODGINS: From this century? (Brennan nods.) I'm taking the clothing! BRENNAN: Dr. Hodgins, I have asked you before not to be so unpleasant. HODGINS: (sarcastically) Please? I'm taking the clothing. ZACK: Why? You are a Botanist. HODGINS: Yeah and a Mineralogist and an Entomologist which gives me the same number of Doctorates as the two of you put together because you don't have any! I could find fibers or-or spores or other particulates. ZACK: Cause of death: The sharp symmetrical traumas to both the right and left temporal bones. (to Hodgins) You can take the clothing and leave, now. HODGINS: Yeah? You can take the femur and shove- BRENNAN: Dr. Hodgins. (he goes to leave) Dr. Hodgins. (she motions towards the bowl he left on the table) (Hodgins snaps the rubber band on his wrist, picks up the bowl and leaves with the bag of clothes.) ZACK: Naomi from Paleontology, suggests that Hodgins is like that because he needs to get laid. (Brennan looks confused) That means "engage in coitus". (Cut to: Park - Day. Angela is doing a caricature of a man when Brennan finds her.) BRENNAN: This is not a good likeness. ANGELA: Brennan. Hi! No, this is, uh, this is accurate, actually. This is very accurate. BRENNAN: I disagree. In reality, his nose looks like a yam. ANGELA: Could you go over there and just wait for me. Over there. (Cut to: Park - Day. Angela and Brennan are sitting on a park bench. Angela is eating an fudge pop.) ANGELA: So, you want me to do a-a caricature. BRENNAN: Yes. But an accurate one. It's for my work. (She takes a skull out of her bag and hold it up to Angela) ANGELA: Oh, my god. That looks real. BRENNAN: But it is real. Do you think you could provide me with a face? ANGELA: That-that's real? BRENNAN: It's a m*rder victim. (Angela throws the fudge pop in the garbage) ANGELA: m*rder? Brennan, I thought that your job was-was mummies and cavemen? How- how did he die? BRENNAN: She. It's a teenager. Someone or something crushed her skull. ANGELA: Poor thing. Could you, maybe, just put that away now? BRENNAN: Well, the FBI wants to know who she is. ANGELA: But why me? I mean, we've only known each other a month. BRENNAN: Well, I interacted with you at your art exhibit because I was very impressed with your command of underlying structure. You will be paid. ANGELA: I'm in. I'm saving to go back to Paris. BRENNAN: How much do you have saved up so far? ANGELA: Whatever you're gonna pay me for that skull facial m*rder barf making monstrosity. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Hallway. Booth is carrying a box) CAM: Transcripts, interviews, phone logs, time lines.. BOOTH: I dropped the body over at the Jeffersonian this morning. CAM: What did you tell them about it? BOOTH: Nothing. CAM: Ah, the gambler in you checking out the players BOOTH: Thanks, Cam. I appreciate it. CAM: Oh, don't thank me, Seeley. Nobody wants this case anymore. (She heads towards the elevators to leave while Booth goes to his desk, in the bullpen. As she enters the elevator, she literally runs into Brennan.) CAM & BRENNAN: Oh! CAM: Oh, I'm sorry. BRENNAN: Traditionally, people disembark the elevator before reloading. CAM: I'm gonna take that as an acceptance of my apology. BRENNAN: But it wasn't an acceptance. It was an observation of social mores. CAM: Wait - hey, you're Dr. Brennan, right? We met at a conference on decapitation. (Brennan could care less, she heads over to find Booth) CAM: Never mind. (Brennan finds Booth's desk and places her bag on it) BRENNAN: Your victim was 16 years old, bi-racial. She died between 3 and 4 years ago and her body was left in a landfill for approximately one year. She was born in Southern Alabama but moved north when she was 8 years old. She was injured in a pre-1998 automobile, no air bags, when she was 13. BOOTH: Wow. BRENNAN: I'm not done. Judging by her ribcage and diaphragm attachment, she was either a swimmer, a singer or an asthmatic or any combination thereof. This preliminary sketch (she shows him the sketch that Angela did) gives you a general idea of what she looks like (She holds up the skull next to the sketch). I'm sorry, but we've been unable to find out her name. (Booth is shocked at how much information she found out) BOOTH: Just for future reference, those human remains are forensic evidence; you should be wearing gloves. BRENNAN: (placing the skull on his desk) I will adjust my behavior accordingly. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Conference Room. Booth puts a tape in the VCR.) BRENNAN: What is this? BOOTH: Just watch. (They watch the video of a young girl singing and playing the piano.) BRENNAN: She bears a remarkable resemblance to the sketch I gave you. BOOTH: Gemma Arrington. She's been d*ad for 4 years; her body was found in a landfill 3 years ago. (They head back to Booth's desk) BRENNAN: She's the m*rder victim? BOOTH: Yeah. I'm sorry. BRENNAN: Sorry for the victim? BOOTH: No. Sorry for holding back her identity. BRENNAN: Well, even though my time and expertise are extremely valuable, I accept your decision to test my abilities. Obviously, I passed with a lot of color. BOOTH: Pardon? BRENNAN: It means I did very well. BOOTH: Oh, right. You, um, flying colors. You passed with flying colors. BRENNAN: Yes, I know but passing your test suggests you have something more important in mind? BOOTH: I want to catch the bastard who k*lled her. BRENNAN: Well, how do you know he's a bastard. How do you even know it was a man? BOOTH: Look, uh, okay. (he holds up a picture) I guess you know who that is, right? BRENNAN: No. BOOTH: Judge Myles Hasty. He's a Federal Judge. BRENNAN: Well, I don't follow current events past the Industrial Revolution. BOOTH: He k*lled Gemma. BRENNAN: Well, why haven't you arrested him? BOOTH: Well, I don't have enough proof. BRENNAN: Then how do you know it's him? BOOTH: I just know and I'd like to ask you to help me catch him. BRENNAN: I won't do that. BOOTH: (laughs) Why? BRENNAN: Well, I will help you find out that truth and if the truth is that he k*lled her, I will help you catch him but first the truth, then the catching. BOOTH: okay, look. All I need is the kind of crap that persuades a jury. BRENNAN: It seems to me that someone like you could benefit hugely from an association with someone like me. BOOTH: Oh..(he starts laughing until he realizes she's serious.) Oh. You're being serious. You're serious. I was just kidding. You know, having some fun. BRENNAN: It is fun. (She smiles back at him) (Cut to: Present Day. FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office.) SWEETS: This all happened a year before the Cleo Eller case? BOOTH: Almost to the day. BRENNAN: Well, thirteen months, less a week. SWEETS: And you didn't argue, even though he withheld information and tested you. BRENNAN: Well, my abilities were outside of his experience. SWEETS: He called evidence "crap" and she basically called you stupid. BRENNAN: We were feeling each other up, like, uh, a Honeymoon period. BOOTH: Out. We were feeling each other out. BRENNAN: Would you like to hear the rest of the story? (He leans back in the chair thinking that this is going to turn out badly) (Cut to: August '04 - Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform. Zack is cleaning the flesh off the bones by boiling the skeleton.) BRENNAN: (V.O) Well, I only knew Hodgins, slightly, as a very unpleasant authority on ancient spores and insects but he was the one that figured out the remains were in a landfill for a year before being discovered and that wasn't all.. HODGINS: (to Zack) I found a sliver on the d*ad girls clothing. ZACK: The term is "nebula's". HODGINS: Wood. I found a splinter of wood. Maple to be exact. (to Brennan) So your m*rder victim? Most likely stuck with something made out of maple. ZACK: Still an observation so vague as to approach meaninglessness. HODGINS: Is he trying to piss me off? BRENNAN: You are always angry. I've been told you have an anger management problem. HODGINS: I'm...in a program. Supposed to snap this (he snaps the rubber band) everytime I get angry. ZACK: I'd be happy to do that for you. (Hodgins glares at Zack) BRENNAN: The victims boyfriend was in town the day she disappeared; trying out for a minor league baseball team. HODGINS: Yeah, so? BRENNAN: What are baseball bats made of? HODGINS: Maple? (he realizes what Brennan is getting at) Maple! (he snaps the rubber band) I should have thought of that. You know, I'm not so sure that a baseball bat att*ck would leave behind splinters, though. ZACK: Then why posit it as a w*apon? HODGINS: Doubts! I have doubts, you see. I am doubtful. (Hodgins snaps his rubber band) BRENNAN: Perhaps the two of you can design an experiment. HODGINS: What? Whoa. No. Wait. Work together? (Zack shakes his head) BRENNAN: Yes. (Brennan leaves. Zack and Hodgins are not happy about this turn of events.) (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Bullpen.) BOOTH: I brought in Gemma's baseball playing boyfriend for questioning for m*rder but I know he didn't do it. BRENNAN: Well, how do you know? BOOTH: why? Because the k*ller's Judge Hasty. BRENNAN: Well, feeling isn't knowing. When you know something, you can argue fact not merely make unsupportable claims in a passionate tone. BOOTH: You said that in a passionate tone without facts. You see, what it comes down to, it's all about what you feel. BRENNAN: Wh-why are you interrogating the boyfriend if you're already convinced? BOOTH: Ah, because I want to convince you. BRENNAN: That's very kind. Can I come in and watch you broil the suspect? BOOTH: Yeah, Well you know, I could broil 'em but I think you mean 'grill'. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Interrogation Room. Booth and Brennan are talking to Tucker Henry, Gemma's boyfriend.) TUCKER HENRY: I feel apart after I heard Gemma got k*lled. Couldn't concentrate on anything, then, couldn't hold it together. BOOTH: Some people might say the result of a guilty conscience. TUCKER: I was in D.C. to try out for a minor league baseball team. My dad was with me. Three of my uncles and four cousins. I wasn't away from anybody long enough to k*ll Gemma and transport her body to New York City. BRENNAN: (to Booth) He has alibis? BOOTH: Tell Dr. Brennan how you did at your try-outs. TUCKER: I did great. Wh-what does that have to do with anything? BOOTH: Well, your try-outs were after Gemma was k*lled. TUCKER: Yeah, but I didn't know that yet. I- I thought everything was great. I didn't fall apart until after I found out Gemma was m*rder. I still dream about being there when that happened; about protecting her. BOOTH: Psychologically consistent. BRENNAN: Well, I'm not well acquainted with psychology but anthropologically speaking, men are programmed to consider themselves the protectors of their mates. (to Tucker) It was unnecessary to put you through this again. TUCKER: I don't mind coming in and answering these questions; cause it means that you guys are still looking and I want that. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform. Hodgins grabs a bat. Zack is dressed in a thick material covered suit - experiment time! Hodgins walks up to Zack and right before he's about to wack him..) ZACK: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why are you the deliverer of the blow while I am the recipient? HODGINS: Because you grunted when you picked up the bat. Brace yourself. (He swings the bat and wacks Zack with it, hard. The rest of the Jeffersonian workers, who are watching, wince. Brennan arrives.) BRENNAN: Excuse me. Go back to work, please. (to Hodgins) Conclusions thus far? HODGINS: Nothing. The bat did not leave behind any slivers even though the suit Zack is wearing is much more abrasive than the cotton the victim was wearing. BRENNAN: A blow like that would have left behind unmistakeable bone damage. Have you tried striking Zack in the soft tissue around the liver? ZACK: What?! HODGINS: Yeah, anatomy's really not my thing. (Brennan grabs the bat from Hodgins and slams Zack with it - knocking him to the ground.) ZACK: Ow! HODGINS: Whoa, ho, ho! That one had some effort! BRENNAN: That would most certainly have cause hemorrhaging in the liver followed by death. (Hodgins bring over a magnifier to examine the suit for splinters) HODGINS: Nothing. When a bat is so honed in close grain, it cannot be broken on the soft tissues of a human being. We could try striking his head. ZACK: What! (Brennan and Hodgins go to leave the platform) BRENNAN: Unnecessary. HODGINS: So I guess the baseball bat was not the m*rder w*apon. ZACK: Dr. Brennan. I found something interesting in the victims x-rays. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Bone Room.) BRENNAN: The bones of the inner ear are missing. ZACK: Indicating that they may have been extracted during the as*ault. BRENNAN: Did you set up the UV light source? ZACK: Yes. (He goes to reach for it, but he's still wearing the suit, so it's hard to maneuver.) BRENNAN: I'll - I'll do it, Zack. ZACK: Thank you, Dr. Brennan. It's hard to move in this suit. BRENNAN: (scanning the bones with the UV light) These bruising's occurred before death. Possibilities? ZACK: Recurring patterns, so either struck repeatedly with the same narrow w*apon or perhaps crushed beneath some kind of grid. BRENNAN: Could you please measure the exact distances between the bruises. ZACK: Of course, Dr. Brennan. (He goes to reach for a tool but falls. Brennan has already left the room) (Cut to: Opera House. Brennan is there to find what caused the bruising on Gemma's bones.) BOOTH: So at 6:30pm, Gemma and her choir sang here for a group of hoity toites. BRENNAN: I don't know what that means. BOOTH: Shakers and maccas; You know, influential types - including Judge Hasty. There was a reception here at 9pm. Gemma was seen at the end of the reception, then poof. A year later, her remains were found in a New York City landfill. So, what are we looking for? BRENNAN: The source of a pattern of bone bruising that happened very shortly before she died. Regular strikes, approximately 33cm apart, spanning the remains from the forehead down to the femur. I was thinking something made of maple. Uh, heavy book case, scaffolding, a ladder. BOOTH: I gotta tell ya..I really am enjoying working with ya, Bones. BRENNAN: Bones is not my name. BOOTH: It's just a nickname. BRENNAN: Oh, yes. I see. I could call you....shoes! BOOTH: Shoes? Why shoes? BRENNAN: Yes, because they are so very shiny. BOOTH: The shoes, they're part of my uniform. (They enter a theater type room) BOOTH: The FBI, they just have a way of doing thing. BRENNAN: Well, anthropologically speaking, para-militaristic organizations tend to constrain individuality. BOOTH: That's for sure. BRENNAN: But any group, no matter how restrictive, the free thinkers, the mavericks, rebels with leadership quality, find ways to declare their distinctiveness. BOOTH: I'm a free thinking real rebel. (The head to another area) BRENNAN: Are you seeing anyone? BOOTH: Wow. Right to the point there, huh, Bones? Uh, casually but she doesn't like my hours. You? BRENNAN: Well, uh, a physicist has been asking me out so I was thinking of saying yes. BOOTH: Well, I'd ask you out if I could. BRENNAN: Why can't you? BOOTH: Well, FBI rules, again. No fraternizing with other agents or consultants. BRENNAN: That's too bad. BOOTH: Glad you think so. (The enter another room with a staircase) BOOTH: The stairs. Look, they're made out of maple? BRENNAN: The sliver on the victims clothing could have come from violent contact with stairs. BOOTH: What about the bone bruising? BRENNAN: The hypotenuse of the triangle formed by the riser and tred, looks to be approximately 33cm. BOOTH: Gemma was probably trying to escape. Come down here. The judge probably dragged her to the exit over here. (they open the door, there's a parking lot) There is it! BRENNAN: The k*ller could have driven back here and taken her away without being seen. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Caroline's Office. Angela is holding up a flip book, showing how the m*rder could have happened) CAROLINE: You think that Gemma Arrington was chased by Judge Hasty. BOOTH: He played football in college. CAROLINE: Then he swung her into a wall or something? ANGELA: Well...No, no, no. The next part, here, shows.. CAROLINE: (interrupting) Who's this, now? ANGELA: Oh, I'm Angela. Montenegro. I'm an artist. Who are you? BOOTH: That's Miss Julian. She's a Federal Prosecutor - she's on our side. BRENNAN: (peaking out from behind Angela, to Boot) Tell her that Angela possesses extremely keen spacial awareness. CAROLINE: And who's this now? BOOTH: That's a squint. BRENNAN: (standing, she extends her hand to Caroline.) I'm Dr. Temperance Brennan from the Jeffersonian. BOOTH: Uh, don't bother. You know. You never remember squints. CAROLINE: That's correct and you know why? BOOTH: Why? CAROLINE: Because they get all whishy-washy and flip-floppy on the witness stand. So it's better I don't remember the last time they let me down when I need 'em again. BOOTH: Here. Here continue with the flip book there. ANGELA: Okay. Okay. (she holds up the flip book again) So the judge tackles Gemma... BOOTH: You remember, you know, football in college. ANGELA: And grabs her ankle. BOOTH: Wham! Right there. Bam, all of a sudden, you know, he's got an unconscious girl on his hands and you know what, he thinks she's d*ad. BRENNAN: Loads her into his car at the bottom of the stairs and drives her to a landfill in New York. CAROLINE: Why was he chasing her? BRENNAN: Who cares why? CAROLINE: Oh, let's see? A judge. A jury. The press and oh, yeah. Me! BOOTH: Caroline. All I need is a warrant to arrest Judge Hasty. CAROLINE: Well, maybe if this little stick figure thing was a big computer - lots of bells and whistles - but right now, it just looks like a sadistic children's book. What's the penchant death grip thing that actually k*lled the girl? BRENNAN: We don't know yet. CAROLINE: (pointing to the book) This won't get me a warrant. I'm a lowly Federal Prosecutor. Hasty is a big-sh*t Federal Judge. BRENNAN: A hoity toit. (Booth wince) CAROLINE: Oh...I see what's going on. You've always wanted this office. Tired of sitting out there in the bullpen. Well, I'm not committin' career su1c1de because you're cute and want a window. BOOTH: We should go. ANGELA: Okay. (whispering, to Brennan) Hey, listen. He is very cute. BRENNAN: Well, I do respond to the breadth of his shoulders and strong jaw line. (Booth closes the door to the office and catches up with Brennan and Angela.) BOOTH: Guys, guys, guys. Okay. Caroline says we can't arrest the judge, but she doesn't say that we can't ask him a few questions. (Cut to: Opera House. Booth and Brennan are there with Judge Hasty.) BOOTH: Thanks so much for coming down, Judge Hasty. JUDGE HASTY: As you pointed out, if I refused, headline news would be "Federal Judge to Cooperate in On-going Homicide Investigation". BRENNAN: What we think is that you chased Gemma Arrington and she fell down those stairs. BOOTH: Okay, Bones. Way to jump right in there. (to Judge Hasty) She was trying to escape you. JUDGE HASTY: Why? I'm a very nice man. BOOTH: Did you use that line on her, too? JUDGE HASTY: The only words I ever spoke to the girl were "You have a lovely voice." and I said it in front of about 100 people. BOOTH: What did you not do in front of 100 people? BRENNAN: Booth is suggesting sexual impropriety. JUDGE HASTY: I chased her through the Opera House. That's very melodramatic. And then, what? I pushed her down the stairs? BOOTH: No. She was trying to get away from you and you tripped her and she fell down those staris. JUDGE HASTY: And she died. BRENNAN: No, those injuries didn't k*ll her. JUDGE HASTY: (to Brennan) You're making this all up (to Booth) and she's making you look like an idiot. BRENNAN: No. In fact, I am very intelligent. JUDGE HASTY: Yeah? You could have fooled me. You're ridiculous. (He grabs Brennan's arm and she turns around and punches him in the nose..and then punches him in the nose again - he falls to the floor.) BRENNAN: (to Booth) Is this very bad? BOOTH: I have been wanting to do that for years. You are so hot. That's great. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters. Booth is with Caroline.) CAROLINE: That woman punched a Federal Judge. In the nose! Twice! BOOTH: Well, it was self-defense. He was panicking. Alright. We got it right. CAROLINE: f*re her! And cut all ties. If we're lucky, Hasty sues her and not us. BOOTH: I can't do that. CAROLINE: She should never have been in the field. Now I'm sympathetic. I have let a pretty face lead me down the paths of unrighteousness - yours for example... BOOTH: Well, it's not like that.. CAROLINE: Of course it is! Watching you two together is like being at prom but it's not high school now, Booth. It's grown-up time. The beautiful scientist - is fired. She just doesn't know it yet. That oversight is what you must rectify. My advice? Get her drunk first. BOOTH: Me? Ugh. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Bone Room. Brennan and Zack are examining the skull.) ZACK: I'm trying to estimate the force needed to cause this damage to the victims skull. I'm working up a chart of equivalents. Alligator bites have been measured at 2,000 lbs of force, hyena's at 1,000, sharks at 330. Whatever did this damage was somewhere between a human and a chimpanzee, meaning approximately 250 lbs of force. BRENNAN: I just had a terrible thought. We removed the flesh by boiling. What if there were particulates on the bone which Hodgins could identify. (Zacks looks at her, skeptically.) We'll, we're not used to dealing with such fresh kills; we must adapt. (Angela appears in the doorway.) ANGELA: Could I help? (she enters the room) Wow! This place is huge. BRENNAN: Angela, this is my assistant, Zack Addy. Zack, this is my friend, Angela Montenegro. ANGELA: Hey! It's Jimmy Neutron. Huh. Boy scientist. ZACK: I don't know what that means. BRENNAN: Neither do I. ANGELA: Okay. Uh, it occured to me, when I did the facial reconstruction, that the girls head was slammed. BRENNAN: Well, a door would have crushed the entire side of her head, Ange. ANGELA: Yeah, but what if it were some kind of protuberance. Like a bolt or something. ZACK: A sliding door? ANGELA: I don't know. I'm an artist. I belong in Paris. BRENNAN: What about a car trunk? With a catch or latch? How much force would a slamming car trunk generate. (Zack stops and pauses) ANGELA: Is he doing that in his head? ZACK: 260 force lbs. - give or take. BRENNAN: That could fit. (she checks her phone) I have to go meet Booth. (Brennan leaves) ANGELA: I have a little math problem you can't solve. Can God create a bigger rock than he can roll? Think about it. (Cut to: Pool Hall. Booth and Brennan are at the bar doing sh*ts of Tequila.) BOOTH: Drink up. Er, alright. (They do a sh*t) BRENNAN: Okay. (she clears her though) So all we have to do is compare the wounds in the victims skull with the Judge's cars. BOOTH: No, Bones. Just stop talking about the case, just for one moment, alright? BRENNAN: Okay. BOOTH: Check this out. Huh? (He lifts his tie and there's a sexy, cartoonish woman on the back. They laugh.) BOOTH: Okay. I am declaring my individuality; I am going rogue. BRENNAN: You have gone rogue. BOOTH: Okay here (he pours her another sh*t) You can handle your liquor very well. BRENNAN: Well, this stuff is nothing compared to the Bhang I had to drink as a grad student in India. It's made of fermented cannabis. BOOTH: Here's to Bhang. BOOTH & BRENNAN: To Bhang. (They clink glasses. They laugh.) BOOTH: You're fired. BRENNAN: What? Why? Because I drank Bhang? That was in pursuit of scholarly research. (Booth chuckles) Why am I fired? BOOTH: You're fired because you as*ault a Federal Judge. BRENNAN: No, you thought that was hot. BOOTH: I did. I did. It was very hot. Okay. (they do another sh*t) Cheers. BRENNAN: Hey. (Brennan leans towards Booth) BOOTH: Yeah. BRENNAN: If we don't work together anymore, we can have sex. BOOTH: I'll call a cab. (Cut to: Outside the Pool Hall. Brennan throws her jacket on and Booth follows her out) BOOTH: Hold on, hold on, listen. Hold that cab! Listen. I got something to confess. BRENNAN: What? Is it the fact that you're a direct descendant of John Wilkes Booth? I already know that. BOOTH: Wait...wait a second. How do you know that? BRENNAN: From your bone structure. BOOTH: Just keep that, um, under your hat. Okay? For now. Alright? BRENNAN: Okay. BOOTH: What I wanted to to confess was - see, I have a gambling problem but I'm dealing with it. BRENNAN: Why did you feel you had to tell me that? BOOTH: I don't know. I just feel like, um, this is going somewhere... BRENNAN: Why did you feel this is going somewhere? (She gets closer to him) BOOTH: I just - I feel like I'm gonna kiss you.. (She closes the space between them and they start to kiss. A few seconds into it - the frame freezes and we...) (Cut to: Present Day. FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office) SWEETS: You kissed. BOOTH: Yes. BRENNAN: There was tongue contact. (Sweets slumps down into his chair.) SWEETS: My book is crap. BRENNAN: Well, that's why we wanted to come here today. BOOTH: Yeah, we just wanted to warn you, Sweets, so you wouldn't be barking up the wrong tree. SWEETS: How long did this affair last? (Booth and Brennan look at each other) BRENNAN: Should we tell him? SWEETS: Yes! Yes, you should. (Cut to: Outside the Pool Hall. It picks up from where we left off - Booth & Brennan are kissing. The taxi honks and Brennan breaks the kiss and runs to the cab. Booth stays in the doorway.) BOOTH: Wow. BRENNAN: We are not spending the night together. BOOTH: Of course we are. Why? BRENNAN: Tequila. (Brennan gets into the taxi and it starts to pull away but Booth chases after it.) BOOTH: Hey, ho, ho. Hold the cab. Hold the cab. Hey! (He knocks on the window, Brennan rolls it down) BOOTH: So, you're afraid when I look at you in the morning, I'll have regrets? BRENNAN: That would never happen. (She chuckles, as the cab drives away as Booth stands in the middle of the street. She waves to him out of the back window) BRENNAN: (V.O) I went home and went to bed. (Booth looks up at the Pool Hall sign, as if he wants to go, but decides not to and starts walking in the opposite direction) BOOTH: (V.O) SO did I. (Cut to: Present Day. FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office) (Sweets can't believe what he's hearing and slumps back in the chair again) (Cut to: August 'o4. Medico Legal Lab. Brennan is just getting to work but it's obvious she's hung over - she's wearing sunglasses indoors and looks like hell.) ANGELA: Hey! Oh, hey. We have to tell you something. HODGINS: Zack told me how bad you felt about boiling all the particulates out of the skull... BRENNAN: I need some coffee. ZACK: This is coffee. (He hands her a mug) BRENNAN: Oh, thank you. HODGINS: Despite the boiling, I was able to get microscopic samples from the bones (to Angela) hey, have I mentioned how excited I am to be working with you? ANGELA: Yes, yeah. You've, you mentioned it. ZACK: Dr. Hodgins found microscopic fragments of steel and traces of lubricating oil. ANGELA: Zack and I compared manufacturers specs for the Judges trunk to the victims gaping head wound. ZACK: One of them matched. BRENNAN: We got fired. HODGINS: A '56 Bel Air. BRENNAN: What? ANGELA: What? HODGINS: What? (Brennan takes her sun glasses off) ANGELA: We got fired? Wha- is this because you slept with Booth? BRENNAN: What? I didn't sleep with Booth. Why -why did you say that? HODGINS: Tequlia vapors. ZAcK: What is happening? BRENNAN: I got us fired because I punched a judge in the schnoz. ANGELA: Now, I'm never going to make it to Paris. BRENNAN: Angela, I can offer you steady employment reconstructing ancient remains and tombs and digs. ANGELA: Really? HODGINS: You know, I've always wanted to go to Paris with an artist. BRENNAN: Zack, take all of the evidence to Booth at the FBI and we all can go back to our normal jobs. (She puts her glasses back on and heads for her office) HODGINS: You ever feel like you saw something great that almost happened, then it didn't? (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Bullpen. Booth is laying his head on his desk, staring at a glass of water. He's a bit hungover as well. Zack comes in and plops down a case, containing all the evidence) ZACK: Are you Special Agent Booth? BOOTH: What are you? (He notices the logo on the case) Oh, the Jeffersonian. Alright, you must be one of the squints. ZACK: I'm not familiar with that term. BOOTH: Squint. You know, you guys, you squint when you look at things - just like that. ZACK: This is proof that Federal Judge Myles Hasty m*rder Gemma Arrington. BOOTH: Proof? What proof? ZACK: It was immensely stupid of you to f*re us. BOOTH: (he gets up from his desk) I'm sorry, but did you just call me stupid? ZACK: I can only conclude that you are immensely stupid. (He pushes a manila envelope towards Booth and leaves, crossing paths with Cam.) CAM: You fired the Jeffersonian Institution? BOOTH: (looking at the file) Uh, I don't know what any of this stuff means. (He hands the folder to Cam) Yeah, Caroline made me. Dr. Bones punched the judge right in the nose. CAM: They got the judge. BOOTH: They got the judge? This is good news. CAM: What'd I tell ya. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Caroline's Office.) CAROLINE: The girls head was smashed in by the locking mechanism of a '56 Bel Air. CAM: Here's the evidence. CAROLINE: Oh, more stick man cartoons? BOOTH: Yes, but you know, you can jazz it up with computers before trial. CAM: LOok at the evidence. CAROLINE: If you're wrong about this my career is over so don't tell me to "look at the evidence" because you know I'm gonna look at the evidence (to Booth) and you, reassure me. BOOTH: Yes. Yes. Cam and I, we did, look at the evidence and we both feel that there's enough here to get a warrant to search the judges vehicle. CAROLINE: He'd better of done this because irritatin' a Federal Judge? Very unwise. CAM: Uh, small trace of blood - any DNA would be enough to make an arrest. (Caroline looks over the file) CAROLINE: (to Booth) You f*re the Jeffersonian already? BOOTH: Yeah, of course. CAROLINE: Hire it back. BOOTH: Okay. CAROLINE: And push come to shove, you be ready to testify that judge walked into a door or somethin'. BOOTH: Yeah. (Cam smiles and Caroline goes back to reading the file.) CAROLINE: I'll have your warrant in an hour. (she pauses) So why are you still here? (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Brennan's Office. She measuring the occipital region on a skull when shows up at her doorway.) BOOTH: You're back, baby. Haha! You're re-hired. BRENNAN: But I've moved on. BOOTH: What is that, uh, a monkey? BRENNAN: No, this is Ardipithecus Ramidus Kadabba. The earliest known.. BOOTH: Okay, abracadabra can wait (Brennan is annoyed) we have a warrant for the judges car so let's go. What's the matter? Get your coat. Chop- chop! (Cut to: Parking Garage. FBI techs are surrounding the Judges car, looking for evidence that he k*lled Gemma) BOOTH: Is something wrong? BRENNAN: I find I'm annoyed with you. BOOTH: Why? Because I fired you and hired you back? It's the Federal Government. BRENNAN: No, because you got me drunk to f*re me and then have sex with me. BOOTH: Whoa, no. I got myself drunk so I could f*re you and you decided not to have sex with me, which I accepted gracefully. So, you regretting that decision? BRENNAN: No, I'm not. It was a very good decision and I stand by it. BOOTH: What's going on, Bones? BRENNAN: Do not call me Bones. FBI TECH: This cars been cleaned, sanded and repainted. The rug is new. BOOTH: So, nothing. FBI TECH: Nothing. JUDGE Hasty: Can I have my car back? LAWYER: I See no reason why not. You've done nothing but cooperate at every stage of this investigation. BRENNAN: What? That's it? BOOTH: Well, we don't have anything. BRENNAN: Well, my people should look at it. BOOTH: Why? BRENNAN: Because we're smarter than you. FBI TECH: Beg your pardon? BRENNAN: Oh, please. Do you really think the best and brightest go into law enforcement? No, the best and brightest go to the Jeffersonian. BOOTH: Oh, really? Because you know the one I met couldn't pick his nose without instruction. BRENNAN: The locking mechanism should be removed. BOOTH: Okay, excuse me. You know what? You really need to learn how to speak to human beings. BRENNAN: I speak six languages - two of which you've never even heard of. BOOTH: You know what? You're a cold fish. BRENNAN: You're a superstitious moron. BOOTH: Get a soul. BRENNAN: Get a brain. FBI TECH: Agent Booth? BOOTH & BRENNAN: (in unison) What? BOOTH: (to Brennan) I'm Agent Booth. (to the FBI Tech) What? (The FBI Tech holds up a piece of something in his palm. Brennan looks at it.) BOOTH: What is that? FBI TECH: I have no idea. BRENNAN: It's a stapes. In humans, it's a bone from the inner ear. BOOTH: Gemma Arringtons? BRENNAN: I have no way of knowing that without doing some tests - anyone who took high school science should know that. BOOTH: Well, anyone with a high school education would figure, hey, who else is it gonna be. BRENNAN: (to the FBI Tech) Send this to the Jeffersonian, we'll check it for DNA. (She storms off, Booth shakes his fists - he's frustrated) BOOTH: Alright, you know what? That's fine. (He pulls out his hand cuffs) That's it. Judge Hasty, you're under arrest, pal. (Cut to: Present Day. FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office.) BRENNAN: Are you okay? BOOTH: (holding out a cup) Here. Have a glass of water. SWEETS: It's like - it's like you two missed your moment, then you punished each other for it and you know who ends up paying the price? Me. I do. Okay, what happened next. (Cut to: August '04. FBI Headquarters - Interrogation Room. Booth is interrogating the Judge (who is with his lawyer). Caroline and Brennan are also there.) BOOTH: (V.O.) Well the minute I had the judge in the interrogation room, he started to mess up. BOOTH: (he holds up an evidence bag) Stapes. BRENNAN: (V.O) It was Gemma Arrington's stapes, of course. BOOTH: (V.O) So we had proof she had been k*lled in the trunk of his car. BOOTH: (holding up a license plate) '56 Chevy, nice car. That's your locking.. BOOTH (V.O) We also had testimony from the Valet who actually saw him pull in the back alley. (Cut to: Present Day. FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office.) BOOTH: Lie upon lie. BRENNAN: Fact upon fact. BOOTH: But..but I didn't know, why. BRENNAN: Booth is obsessed why people do things. BOOTH: Yeah, what did Gemma see. Why did Hasty chase her though the back of the theatre? SWEETS: You figured it out, right? BOOTH: Not me. (He looks towards Brennan) BRENNAN: Me. (Cut to: August '04. FBI Headquarters - Interrogation Room.) BRENNAN: (V.O) I noticed the way he touched his nose, very gingerly. (Brennan leans over and whispers something to Caroline. Then Caroline gets up and whispers in Booth's ear.) LAWYER: Well, considering you have no motive, I'm sure you can see there's no sense in detaining my client. BOOTH: I know what happened. When a Prosecutor tells the jury, they're gonna believe it too. BRENNAN: (V.O) It had to be something that would have ruined his career. BOOTH: (V.O) But also destroyed his judgment. BOOTH: You had your septum replaced. What was it? Cocaine? Crystal Meth? Gemma saw you snortin' something. (Cut to: Present Day. FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office.) BRENNAN: He thought he k*lled her on the stairs, so he went to get his car. BOOTH: She regained consciousness as he loaded her into the trunk. BRENNAN: He panicked and slammed the lid, which k*lled her. (Cut to: August '04. FBI Headquarters - Interrogation Room.) JUDGE HASTY: I just wanted to stop her. Reason with her. Maybe offer her a bribe, but she ran. LAWYER: That's enough, Myles. BOOTH: (V.O) And it was. (Cut to: Present Day. FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office.) BRENNAN: Judge Hasty will be eligible for parole in 10 years. BOOTH: That's the story of our first case, Sweets. Sorry about your book. SWEETS: No. It's not. It's not. What happened between you two? BRENNAN: We started to argue. (Cut to: August '04. FBI Headquarters - Conference Room.) BOOTH: (V.O) In front of the victims mother. BRENNAN: (V.O) Well, I was worried that we still didn't have enough evidence to convict. (Booth stands up and grabs a hold of Brennan's arm, dragging her out of the conference room) BOOTH: (V.O) I told her this was definitely not the place to bring this up. (They get into the bullpen area) BRENNAN: Let go of me. BOOTH: I will if you would jus- (Brennan slaps him across the face) BRENNAN: Oh! What the hell?! BRENNAN: You are a bully. You - you grab my arm, just like the judge. You use your g*n and your badge to intimidate people. BOOTH: Really? You use your brain to make people around you feel stupid. BRENNAN: Well, you are a stupid man. I hate you. BOOTH: Oh, you hate me. What, are you 10 years old? I'm not your dad! BRENNAN: I will never work with you again. (Brennan grabs her jacket and storms off) BOOTH: Who asked you?! (Cut to: Present Day. FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office.) SWEETS: You struck him? BOOTH: I shouldn't have grabbed her. BRENNAN: We're sorry about your book. SWEETS: Okay. This is..you. You are totally messed up. I always said that you could never kiss, because if you did, then the dam would break and now it turns out that you kissed. Did the dam break? BRENNAN: Wha-what does that mean? BOOTH: Well, He-he still thinks that we slept together. BRENNAN: We're - we're not in love with each other. It took us a year, after we kissed, to be in the same room together, right? BOOTH: Oh, uh, absolutely. Right. No more kissing or anything. SWEETS: If you're not in love, then how come you haven't been in any serious relationships since you first met, huh? BRENNAN: I don't really do that. BOOTH: You know, a job. Son. SWEETS: One of you has to have the courage to break this stalemate. You. (he points to Booth) It's gotta be you because you're the gambler. For once, make that work for you. BOOTH: (to Brennan) Something to eat? BRENNAN: I could eat. (They both get up to leave. Booth places the manuscript on the table) BOOTH: (to Sweets) Sorry about that book. (Sweets picks up one of the manuscripts and throws it behind him) (Cut to: Outside FBI Headquarters - Night. On the wall, there is the following quote: "Nothing happens unless first a dream.." - Carl Sandburg. Booth and Brennan are walking down the stairs.) BRENNAN: In his book, Sweets wrote that being abandoned by my parents made me convinced that all meaningful relationships are doomed. BOOTH: And he wrote that I got "White Knight Syndrome" cause of my physically abusive, alcoholic father. BRENNAN: Hate psychology. (Booth stops walking.) BOOTH: I'm the gambler. I believe in giving this a chance. (He moves closer to her) Look, I wanna give this a sh*t. BRENNAN: You mean us? (he nods) No. The FBI won't let us work together as a couple- BOOTH: Don't do that. That is no reason why we can't... (He cuts himself off and kisses her. She kisses him back and then places her hands on his chest and pushes him away.) BRENNAN: No. No. BOOTH: Why? Why? BRENNAN: You-you thought you were protecting me, but you're the one who needs protecting. BOOTH: Protecting from what? BRENNAN: From me! I - (she starts to break down) I don't have your kind of open heart. BOOTH: Just give it a chance..that's all I'm asking.. BRENNAN: No, you said it yourself; the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. BOOTH: Well, then let's go for a different outcome here, alright? Let's just - hear me out, alright? You know when you talk to older couples who, you know, have been in love for 30 or 40 or 50 years, alright, it's always the guy who says "I knew." I knew. Right from the beginning. BRENNAN: Your evidence is anecdotal. BOOTH: I'm that guy. Bones, I'm that guy. I know. BRENNAN: I- I am not a gambler; I'm a scientist. I can't change. I don't know how. I don't know how. (and with that, she breaks Booth's - and her own - heart) Please don't look so sad. BOOTH: Alright. Okay. (he sighs, and leans back against the wall) You're right. You're right. BRENNAN: Can we still work together? BOOTH: (after a slight pause) Yeah. BRENNAN: Thank you. BOOTH: But I gotta move on. I gotta find someone who's - who's gonna to love me in 30 years or 40 or 50. BRENNAN: (softly) I know. (Brennan wipes her eye and starts to walk away. Booth joins her. They bump shoulders and then she links her arm through his, puts his head on her shoulder and they walk off, together. Though they're not together, they'll still hold because they're the center.) END.

{"type": "series", "show": "Bones", "episode": "05x16 - The Parts in the Sum of the Whole"}

foreverdreaming

THE DEATH OF THE QUEEN BEE (Open: Barn - Night. Two girls enter, carrying blankets) ANNA: This is my favorite spot. DEDE: I've only been here with boys before. ANNA: Me too, but I love that Katy Perry song so much. It speaks to me, you know? DEDE: Totally. (They place a blanket on the ground and lay down, facing each other) ANNA: So.. Okay. Just kissing, not touching things or anything. DEDE: No. Just the stuff that's in the song. (They lean in and just as they're about to kiss, they hear a noise) ANNA: I hear something. DEDE: It's your heart beating. (They lean in again, and just as their about to kiss there's another noise) ANNA: No, really. There's something out there. (They turn to their right and look. A skull, covered in maggots, is flying towards them and hits Dede in the face, then lands on the blanket. They scream) (Cut to: Woods - Day. Booth and Brennan arrive at the crime scene) BOOTH: I can't believe you grew up in this area. BRENNAN: Yes, I am an alumna of Burtonsville High. BOOTH: Ever bring a boy out her and uh - BRENNAN: And what? Touch his genetalia? No. BOOTH: Whoa. 'Kay, I was thinking that maybe just a little smooching. BRENNAN: I used to come out here to find animals to dissect; I didn't have a boyfriend. BOOTH: Maybe because you were cutting up little woodland creatures, maybe? (They meet up with the local Sheriff, Rebecca Conway, in the barn) SHERIFF REBECCA CONWAY: I'm Sheriff Rebecca Conway. You the Federal backup? BOOTH: (hoding up his badge) FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth. SHERIFF CONWAY: Nice wheels. Nice face and bod. Very nice. BOOTH: (hesistantly) Thank you. BRENNAN: We know each other. Becky, right? I'm Temperance. SHERIFF CONWAY: Have I arrested you before, hun? BRENNAN: No, you were my lab partner in Chemistry at Burtonsville High. SHERIFF CONWAY: Are you absolutely sure? I have an excellent memory. BRENNAN: Positive. Though you are thinner now which is better for your cardiovascular system. In high school you were quite over weight. Hence the derrision from the other students. SHERIFF CONWAY: Yeah, I remember you know. Your creepy girl. So, you're in town for the reunion.. BOOTH: Ha ha ha. Reunion. SHERIFF CONWAY: Yeah. (to Booth) I need a date - if you're free. BRENNAN: We're just here to inspect the remains. SHERIFF CONWAY: Oh. No surprise there. (she starts to lead them to the remains) Two girls were out here rolling around.. BOOTH: Two girls. SHERIFF CONWAY: Yeah, it's the 21st, sweetheart. Get with the program. Anyway, that critter (points to a raccoon) ran into them right there with the skull on it's head. BRENNAN: It was probably eating the brains and eyes. Often scavengers- SHERIFF CONWAY: Don't need the details, Morticia. I'm keeping this quiet until I know what we're dealing with. (Brennan examines the remains; She picks up the skull) BRENNAN: Female. Age, indeterminite. Judging by the lack of staining, the victims head was severed post-morteum. SHERIFF CONWAY: Ugh. No. Not cut up. BRENNAN: Well, I'm glad you kept this quiet, Becky. There are probably more remains in the area. SHERIFF CONWAY: We're gonna need to search the bushes for more people parts, Lou! (Cut to: Woods - Day.) BRENNAN: I don't want the remains compromised. BOOTH: Don't compromise the remains. BRENNAN: She was a very careless lab partner. BOOTH: You gotta go to your reunion, Bones. We already flew all the way out here. BRENNAN: I'm not going. High school was not a happy time. For some reason, people didn't seem to like me. BOOTH: Which is exactly why you have to go now. Reunions are made for you to smear your successes in other people's faces. Your accomplishments are gonna k*ll 'em. BRENNAN: (bending down) I found something! SHERIFF CONWAY: (O.S) Oh! Lou, stay right here. BOOTH: Where are the ribs, Bones? BRENNAN: According to the legend, they've been cooked and eaten. BOOTH: Legend. What legend? SHERIFF CONWAY: They say a spirit lives in these woods. He takes over a person, makes them k*ll. BRENNAN: My senior year, a classmate was m*rder and dismembered just like this. SHERIFF CONWAY: Ribs gone. BRENNAN: They never found the k*ller. SHERIFF CONWAY: The Butcher of Burtonsville High. He's back. [OPENING CREDITS] (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform. Wendell unpacks the remains. Brennan is talking to the team, via a live video feed, from her hotel room in Illinois.) WENDELL: The Butcher of Burtonsville? BRENNAN: That's what we called him. HODGINS: Insect activity puts time of death at approximately 10 days ago. CAM: You should swab the dismemberment points - there could be trace evidence from the blade. HODGINS: You know, you get very bossy when you don't have flesh to play with? CAM: I am the boss. WENDELL: (to Brennan) And he removed his victims ribs because... BRENNAN: He eats them. Barbecue. CAM: You don't actually believe that. BRENNAN: There's no evidence of cannibalism. It's merely an urban legend. HODGINS: But they never found OUT who k*lled the girl in your class? BRENNAN: No. Sarah Tidwyler. Booth is getting the old case files to find links. WENDELL: The stumps on the victims 4th and 5th ribs show evidence of hemorrhagic staining. CAM: So two ribs weren't sawed off. BRENNAN: Fractured and then snapped off it appears. ANGELA: So, your high school is famous, Sweetie. The earliest reported mention of The Butcher of Burtonsville was in 1956. Young people were warned to aviod secluded locations at night, as there was a lunatic who k*lled and dismembered his victims, then barbecued and ate their ribs. BRENNAN: Yet, until Sarah's m*rder it was just an urban legend - society's attempt to control behavior through a fear-based myth. HODGINS: This is very teenage slasher movie-ish. BRENNAN: Whatever blade was used left very clean and precise cuts. CAM: It's always a tad creepy when you admire the K*llers handiwork. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office. Sweets is talking to Booth, via a live video feed from his hotel room. Sweets is looking over the file of Sarah Tidwiller.) SWEETS: Now, this first victim, Sarah Tidwiller, was a member of the class of '94? BOOTH: And the second victim was k*lled just before the reunion of the same class so it doesn't sound like a coincidence to me. The cops here agreed to keep everything quiet until we can ID the victim and catalogue the evidence. SWEETS: And this, uh, Ray Buxley, was a prime suspect in '94? BOOTH: Yeah, he was the high school custodian, but they didn't have enough to hold him. SWEETS: Lives alone. Low-status job. Obsession with gruesome crime stories. Surrounded by teenage girls. Very creepy. It's like Freddy creepy. BOOTH: Okay, well. You can check him out. SWEETS: Since you're trying to keep the town from another wave of collective hysteria, I wouldn't suggest announcing your FBI status. BOOTH: We go undercover! SWEETS: Exactly. BOOTH: Since, uh, Bones is already invited to the reunion, we get more information if she's seen as alumni. SWEETS: Alumna. Yes. BOOTH: Yeah. Great. You know, correcting my Latin - not the best way to make friends. SWEETS: Sorry. BOOTH: Great. Okay. See ya later, Sweets. SWEETS: Wait. Agent Booth? BOOTH: Yes, Dr. Sweets? SWEETS: You and Dr. Brennan are in the same motel? BOOTH: Yeah, but they are not adjoining rooms. (he picks up the laptop to show Sweets the room) Okay, Sweets, look. They do not adjoin. See, the bathroom and I'm, uh, closer to the ice machine. SWEETS: No, I'm merely asking because of your feelings for Dr. Brennan.. BOOTH: Alright, I get it. Alright, Sweets. I respect that but you know what? I've moved on. I already even have a date for next week. SWEETS: (not believing him) Oh, really? Who might that be? BOOTH: Thanks. Take care. (Booth closes the laptop and connection) SWEETS: Who might that be, Booth? Booth? Who might that be? (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Ookey Room. Wendell is carrying a tray) WENDELL: There appear to be some metal flakes embedded in the margins of the bone. HODGINS: Ooh. Come to the king. WENDELL: Man. Social pressures, sports, sexual psychodramas; I'm surprised there aren't more m*rder in high school. HODGINS: High school sounds a lot more exciting than mine. WENDELL: Pretty tough place. A lot of v*olence, lot of drugs, lot of pregnancies. HODGINS: So you've been through the 'babydaddy' scare before? WENDELL: Before? Before What? (It's then that Hodgins realizes that Angela never told Wendell that she had thought that she may have been pregenant) HODGINS: Oh, no... (Wendell heads out to find Angela) HODGINS: oooh. Ugh. (Hodgins runs off to try to b*at him there. Wendell stops to take off his gloves and Hodgins passes him up and runs into Angela's office first.) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office.) HODGINS: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I had no idea you hadn't told him. Big mouth and I am sorry. ANGELA: Big mouth what? (Wendell enters, looking upset.) ANGELA: Oh. (she realizes now what Hodgins is apologzing for) Oh. WENDELL: You were pregnant? (Hodgins heads toward the door) HODGINS: I was gonna...leave but you're kinda in my - you know, I'm gonna go around.. (Wendell and Angela are alone) ANGELA: No. I was not pregnant. WENDELL: But you thought you might be pregnant. ANGELA: Very briefly, Wendell. WENDELL: Why didn't you tell me? I'm pretty sure I'm the only possibility. ANGELA: Yes. Yes, of course. Do you think that we could talk about this later and - and maybe not here? WENDELL: Oh, of course. I'm sorry - it was just - we can absolutely discuss this later. (Wendell leaves) (Cut to: Burtonsville High School - Day. Booth & Brennan are walking outside) BOOTH: How well do you know this, uh, custodian. BRENNAN: Very well. He used to find d*ad animals for me to dissect. We used to have long discussion about death. Mr. Buxley would say that it was a natural process. BOOTH: (chuckles) You were Wednesday Adams. BRENNAN: I don't know what you're talking about. BOOTH: Well, in high school you had a creepy custodian as a best friend; I bet you had a pet rat, too. BRENNAN: No. I had a mouse and a snake and some spiders. BOOTH: (sarcastically) Wow, and you weren't popular! Now, that's amazing. (They turn the corner and run into Julie Coyle and Brad Benson) JULIE COYLE: I am so sorry. My nerves are totally fried. I haven't slept in days because of this damn reunion. BRENNAN: Julie Coyle? JULIE: Yes. Do we know each other? BRENNAN: Temperance Brennan. (She shakes Julie's hand) JULIE: Temperance! Oh, yes! (she pulls her hand away) You-you liked d*ad things. BRAD BENSON: I thought that was you. Wow! The years have been very kind to you, Temperance. Very. JULIE: Ha! Well, not that 'very'. She liked d*ad things, Brad. BRENNAN: Yes, but now I'm a wealthy author and a successful scientist (to Booth) Did I do that right? BOOTH: (to Brenna) No. (to Brad) I'm, uh, her husband. Bobby Kent. Temperance's lesser half. BRAD: Ah, Brad Benson. Julie Coyle. So you guys have any kids yet? BOOTH: Oh, no. Not yet but we want a house full, right? BRENNAN: Yes. We have intercourse every chance we get. BOOTH: Wow. Ah, yeah. I mean, all over the place. JULIE: Well, we have a gym to decorate so.. BRAD: Oh, you know, Evelyn is gonna be so happy to see you, Temperance. "Bygones are bygones" she always says. BRENNAN: You married Evelyn Simms? JULIE: We were all so jealous. Evelyn's off saving some unpronounceable country. BRAD: Ah, Nicaragua. JULIE: See. (to Brad) So, Prom King Brad here has been giving me a hand. BRAD: But Evvy is gonna be back flying back for the reunion, so we'll see you there. Good to meet you, Bobby. BOOTH: Yeah. (to Brennan) Bygones be bygones? What did that Brad guy mean? What's going on between you and Evelyn? Something happen? BRENANN: Not important. We were children. We should go see Mr. Buxley. (Cut to: Founding Fathers. Angela and Wendell are having lunch.) ANGELA: By morning, I knew I wasn't pregnant so I- I saw no reason to bring it up. WENDELL: What you're saying would make perfect sense to Dr. Brennan but it - it feels wrong, you know? ANGELA: Maybe I should have told you. I don't know. I - I just thought it was gonna bring up a bunch of questions that we weren't ready for. WENDELL: I can answer those questions. ANGELA: What do you mean? WENDELL: If you got pregnant, it's your decision what to do. ANGELA: Well, yeah. I know it is. WENDELL: I get that but if you decided to keep the baby, I would do the right thing. ANGELA: You would? WENDELL: I absolutely would. I'd bear my share of the conqequences; more than my fair share. I'd marry you if that's what you wanted. I would do the right thing. ANGELA: I'm sorry, Wendell. I should have told you. (She puts her hand on his cheek, he leans over and kisses her on the cheek. They laugh.) (Cut to: Burtonsville High School - Day. Booth and Brennan are outside the Custodian's Room) BRENNAN: (knocking on the door) Mr. Buxley? (When they get no response, they walk in the office. The walls are lined with sharp tools, knives, saws and stuffed d*ad animals.) BRENNAN: Ah, I have so many fond memories of this place. BOOTH: (sarcastically) Gee, I can't imagine why this guy was a suspect. BRENNAN: Mr. Buxley? (He suddenly appears, holding a plate of ribs. Brennan jumps) BRENNAN: Ah, Mr. Buxley! It's good to see you. MR. BUXLEY: And you. You grew up good. (Brennan is obviously very happy about seeing him. She keeps smiling and laughing. Booth, on the other hand, thinks the guy is creepy and keeps eyeing him) BRENNAN: Thank you. This is - BOOTH: Her husband. Um, Bobby. BRENNAN: My husband, Bobby. MR. BUXLEY: Lucky man. You care for some ribs? Suculent. Juicy. (He licks his fingers) BOOTH: Uh, I'm fine. And I'm full. I already ate. You have quite the collection of blades around here. MR. BUXLEY: Yeah, well a man never knows when he might need to cut. BOOTH: That's quite a motto. BRENNAN: I was just telling my husband about Sarah Tidwyler. Do you remember her? MR. BUXLEY: Folks here thought I k*lled her. BRENNAN: Well, not me. MR. BUXLEY: No. No, not you. I could always count on you. Say, ya know. I might have me a d*ad rabbit around here. You like to cut it open? BRENNAN: That is so sweet. BOOTH: No, that's not sweet. I mean, not now. Probably because Mr. Buxley here has to get the campus ready for the big reunion, hmm. MR. BUXLEY: I suppose. BOOTH: Yeah, I'm sure you work long hours, late into the night, probably even weekends. Right? Maybe even the weekend before last. Were you working then? MR. BUXLEY: Why'd you wanna ask me about that particular weekend? BRENNAN: You know what? Just tell him or he'll keep asking. He can't help it. (she lightly punches him in the shoulder) He's a newspaper man. MR. BUXLEY: Well, that weekend, I was away. I, uh...(he turns and puts the plate of ribs down and starts over to a closet) went and bought this. (After a few seconds, he pulls out a copy of "Bred in the Bone" - Brennan's first book.) MR. BUXLEY: First edition! BRENNAN: My first novel! MR. BUXLEY: You named the k*ller after me. I'da shed a tear if my duct worked proper. BRENNAN: Awwww. MR. BUXLEY: I'd thought you might be coming to the reunion; maybe you could, uh, put your pen to it for me. Would ya please? BRENNAN: With pleasure. BOOTH: Well, here. Use my pen. (Booth eyes Mr. Buxley. Mr. Buxley eyes Booth. Booth does not trust this guy.) BRENNAN: Thanks, sweetie. (she starts to write) "To the real Ray Buxley, Who taught me about death." (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Bone Room. Wendell is video conferencing with Brennan when Angela walks in.) ANGELA: Hey, you said the skulls ready for me? BRENNAN: What about casts of the blade injuries? WENDELL: Still working on them. ANGELA: Hey, sweetie. Wow, that is a crappy motel room. BRENNAN: Oh, the bed has magic fingers! ANGELA: Okay. I'm gonna drive by that one. Uh, how's the reunion? BRENNAN: I find I am uncomfortable with people who disliked me in high school. ANGELA: So you're pressed for an ID. I'll try to be quick with a facial reconstruction. WENDELL: Turns out our victim has a remodeled mandibular fracture, so that should narrow down the search. BRENNAN: Let me look at that. Can you put it under the Medio Cam? (Wendell moves the skull under the cam.) ANGELA: Is there a problem? BRENNAN: This fracture was made by a blunt object, striking her face at an almost 90 degree angle. WENDELL: That's in my note, yes, and the remodeling gave us an appoximate age - about 30. BRENNAN: 33. She was 33. ANGELA: Well, how do you know that? BRENNAN: Because I'm the one who broke her jaw. With a tennis racket. This is one of my classmates. Evelyn Simms. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Sweet's Office. Sweets is video conferencing with Booth and Brennan, who are outside the school, by their car. They're scanning through Brennan's year book - checking out her classmates.) SWEETS: So this (he pulls up a picture) is Evelyn Simms. Wow. Homecoming Queen, Cheerleading captain. President of the Girls Service Club - a girl like this, she wouldn't have given me the time of day. Which, of course, makes her that much hotter. BOOTH: Sweets, I'm sure you really didn't want to say that outloud, right? SWEETS: It slipped out. BRENNAN: Everybody loved Evelyn. BOOTH: A lot of people hated her, too, for being so popular. I mean, you were the one who decked her with a tennis racket. BRENNAN: No. I- I -I never enjoyed playing doubles; someone is always in your way. Although my classmates thought I h*t her on purpose. BOOTH: Well, perhaps, subconsciously you did. I mean, a girl like yourself - with marginal social standing - takes out her hostility by striking the popular girl. I mean, it is quite common. BRENNAN: Okay, that sounded clinical but felt very insulting. (to Sweets) What do you hope to find in 15 year old memorabilia. SWEETS: Basic victimology. Now, we already know that there is a similarity in the method of k*lling. They're in the same class; perhaps there's an interpersonal connection. BOOTH: (notcing a picture of Brennan) Whoa, Sweet! Hold it right there! (to Brennan) There you are! That's your high school picture! Why weren't you smiling? BRENNAN: I wasn't amused by anything. Okay, none of this is pertinent to the investigation. SWEETS: Reunions can rekindle old feelings of resentment. If a classmates life hasn't worked out, they might see Evelyn's happiness as a personal thr*at. (Sweets stops at a picture of Sarah Tidwyler) BOOTH: This is the girl that was m*rder in 1994. BRENNAN: Yes. Sarah Tidwyler. SWEETS: Physically, she appears nothing like Evelyn. No apparent interests in common. BOOTH: Look, he has his arm around her. SWEETS: That's Evelyn's husband, Brad. BRENNAN: Yes. Brad was dating Sarah when she was m*rder. SWEETS: And now he's married to the most recent victim. That's a pretty strong connection. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform) WENDELL: This is a cross section of the victims distal femur. As you can see, the kerf wall is smooth - indicating whatever blade was used, the size of its teeth were small. CAM: But it did have teeth, so we're looking for a saw of some type. WENDELL: Judging by the bone loss from the cuts, a saw blade about 2 mm thick, I can't determine what type of blade yet, though. CAM: Let me know when you can. (Hodgins enters) HODGINS: Whoa, hold on. Show and tell is not over yet. So, we have got two particulates transferred during dismemberment - it's a pretty messy process, well, with all that blood spurting and muscles and sinews tearing... CAM: Okay, we get it. What did you find? HODGINS: Well, after much effort - and expertise - I found calcium sulfate and flecks of 3003-H14 aluminum. WENDELL: How are either of those, in any way, cooler than discovering the saw? CAM: I'll let Dr. Brennan know that we are looking for a saw which can cut through metal. And you don't have to fight, you both did well. (she turns and walks away, then to herself) I run a kindergarten. (Cut to: Brennan's Hotel Room. She is going through her bag when she gets an alert that someone is trying to contact her to video conference. She opens her computer screen to connect and it's Angela - in her office.) BRENNAN: Yes. ANGELA: Wendell was so sweet, ya know. He had this stiff upper lip and - and he kept telling me that he'd do the right thing. And his jaw was all tightened and manly. BRENNAN: Wednell does seem to live by a very strong sense of morality and ethics. ANGELA: He's probably the best guy I've ever met. I mean, he's good hearted and he's honest. BRENNAN: You're saying good things, but your tone indicates you have doubts. ANGELA: 'Cause when Hodgins thought I was pregnant he said "I'm your guy". Wendell talked about bearing the consequences and doing the right thing. BRENNAN: Well, anthropologically speaking, males doing their duties form the bedrock of civilization. ANGELA: That's not very poetic. BRENNAN: Because males tended to find those duties onerous, they took every opportunity to avoid them. Mostly through geographic exploration, meaningless conquests and w*r. ANGELA: Hodgins wanted to be with me and the baby, which I guess means that he's less likely, than Wendell, to go off and start a w*r, right? (Cut to: Burtonsville High School - Day. Booth and Brennan are outside talking to Sheriff Conway.) SHERIFF CONWAY: Brad was always the Golden Boy. Always got what he wanted. Rumor is his business isn't doing very good. BRENNAN: Booth! You can't give this creedence. It's gossip, which by definition, is a form of entertainment - not information - and her grammar is appalling. SHERIFF CONWAY: It is a miracle that you have any life whatsoever. BRENNAN: You cheated off my tests in Chemistry. SHERIFF CONWAY: (to Booth) I could supply you a little bit of fun while you're here because you're probably dying with this one. BOOTH: We're talking about Brad Benson, right? SHERIFF CONWAY: Right. BOOTH: Right. Right. SHERIFF CONWAY: Um, well. Brad has his own autobody shop and rumor is he's losing money. Big time. BRENNAN: Owning his own auto body shop - he would have acces to a saw that cuts metal. BOOTH: Well, I'll just get an Agent to check out his financials. Anything else? SHERIFF CONWAY: No. I'm gonna go in the gym and see if they need help setting up. (to Booth) But if you need anything, holler. (She walks away) BRENNAN: If I had covered my paper, she would still be taking that class. BOOTH: Wow. (Cut to: Burtonsville High School - Gym. Booth and Brennan enter. Inside the Burtonsville High Gymnasium, volunteers set up for the reunion. Brad chops pineapples, Buxley splits wood, Julie hacksaws coconuts, Andy Pfleuger wields a power saw. w*apon are everywhere. ) BRENNAN: (to Booth) Andy Pfleuger. He used to have a crush on me. (A quick montage of everyone cutting, sawing & chopping) BRENNAN: You're right, Booth. It's nice to be back. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Bone Room.) WENDELL: Okay, I found s*ab marks on the posterior and right lateral side. Posterior iliac spine, L1 & T10 vertebrae and here on the inferior angle of the scapula. CAM: Cause of death, Mr. Bray? WENDELL: All the s*ab wounds terminate in bone, so they wouldn't have been fatal, except for this one. CAM: The w*apon could have passed through the 8th intercostal space, perforating the lung causing her to bleed to death. HODGINS: The victims husband had an auto body shop, right? Take a look at this. Looks like transfer from the m*rder w*apon. Thin flecks of iridescent metal. You know, the kind that they use to coat a paint job on a car. CAM: So the w*apon is found in an auto body shop? WENDELL: I haven't ID'd the w*apon yet, but check out the microtomography. The blade was double-edged, with an identical taper on both sides. HODGINS: So, someone k*lled her with a really sharp piece of pie. (Cam gets a text message) CAM: Oh, Angela has the photos Dr. Brennan uploaded of potential w*apon from the reunion. HODGINS: w*apon. Yeah, we didn't have those at my reunion. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. Angela has the pictures on the big screen and Cam, Wendell and Hodgins are looking them over) CAM: SO this is the class of '94. WENDELL: Man, my high school's lookin' good. ANGELA: I think Brennan was the normal one. CAM: Do you see anything that could match the s*ab wounds? WENDELL: No. The cleaver has a totally different blade profile. HODGINS: Right, we're looking for a piece of pie, right? ANGELA: Look at her. (she pulls up a picture of a girl with a chain saw) CAM: Zoom in on those tools on the table. WENDELL: There. Can you give me the angle of that tabor? ANGELA: Uh, 48 degrees. CAM: Compare that to the marks on the bone. ANGELA: It's pretty close. This ice carving tool could definitely be the m*rder w*apon. (Cut to: Burtonsville High School - Gym. Sheriff Conway is tracing the lines in the ice sculpture with her finger) SHERIFF CONWAY: Carrie is a sweetie pie! She made the cake for my birthday. BRENNAN: Well, Carrie isn't here. Where did she go? SHERIFF CONWAY: I don't know. You're the genius. BOOTH: Any bad blood between her and Evelyn? SHERIFF CONWAY: Evelyn is on the city council. She gave Carrie her catering contract for city functions, school lunches.. JULIE: She took it away, too. They had a big blow out. Now Carrie's lookin' for work. So, what's goin' on? Leaving me out of the gossip? BRENNAN: No. I love to gossip. Remember when you were locked out of the locker room, in your underwear, and the boys took pictures and then they put it all over school? (Becky & Brennan laugh) JULIE: I can't believe you'd bring that up. BOOTH: That's not gossip, honey. That's embarrassing. JULIE: You're as clueless as ever. (Carrie Turner appears carrying a cake across the gym, with a big Kn*fe in one hand) BRENNAN: There's Carrie. SHERIFF CONWAY: Oh, I can't believe it'd be her. Her cakes are so light and fluffy. (Cut to: Staircase near Founding Fathers. Angela and Wendell are sitting outside on the steps.) WENDELL: You're breaking up with me? ANGELA: Yes. WENDELL: Because I would have done the right thing by you? ANGELA: I'm not a duty, Wendell. You didn't do anything wrong. In - in fact, it's the opposite. You're the best. But you can't tell me that in the back of your heart you aren't thinking that another upcoming duty might be to let me down as gently as you can. WENDELL: I really, really like you, Angela. ANGELA: I really like you too. You're sexy and smart and good. You're like "saint" good. WENDELL: Well, I'm a sexy saint. (They laugh) ANGELA: Hey. Do not knock that. It's a very rare and hot combo. You have somebody out there who isn't a duty. WENDELL: So do you. I think we both know who. (Cut to: Burtonsville High School - Gym.) BOOTH: Okay, look. You have to question her. You know. As her old friend. BRENNAN: No- she didn't like me then. No one did and they still don't. I obviously had no social skills. BOOTH: They're not gonna suspect a thing, alright, because you're an alumni. BRENNAN: Alumna. BOOTH: UGH! BRENNAN: Why can't I hang out with Mr. Buxley? BOOTH: Listen, I'm gonna be right here next to you. Okay? You just go up to her and you say, "Hi. How are you?" and then you just, you know, spark up a conversation. (They walk over to Carrie Turner and Andy Pfleuger) BRENNAN: Hi, Carrie. How have you been? Hello, Andy. ANDY PFLEUGER: Hello, Temperance. I'm the shop teacher now. In charge of the entire shop program. You look really good. Really. CARRIE TURNER: Two seconds ago her was trying to get into my pants. BOOTH: I'm her husband, Bobby Kent. ANDY: Oh. Is the marriage working out because statistically... BOOTH: Are you serious? CARRIE: Go inflate a doll, Andy. (he leaves, Carrie sighs) Thanks for the rescue. So, you actually look normal now. BRENNAN: Thank you. I heard Evelyn ruined your career. CARRIE: But you're not, are you. BOOTH: My wife just meant how difficult it must be with this economy and trying to find work. I know how terrible Temperance felt. Isn't that right, sweetheart? BRENNAN: (unconvincing) Okay. Sure. CARRIE: It is hard. I lost everything. Maybe it wasn't Evvy's fault but I had to go live with my parents until I find something else. Almost didn't make it back for the reunion. BOOTH: So you weren't here this past weekend. (Brennan's phone rings.) CARRIE: No. I was buying diapers for my dad. BRENNAN: (to Booth) Hodgins. BOOTH: (to Brennan) Great. (to Carrie) You'll have to excuse us. That cake looks great, by the way. CARRIE: Oh, yeah. Your cake isn't bad either. Are you sure you and Morticia are working out. BOOTH: (he exhales) Slow down. (They walk away, Brennan is on the phone with Hodgins at the Medico Legal Lab. He's in the Bone Room) BRENNAN: Okay, Hodgins. What do you have? HODGINS: Hey. So the calcium sulfate? It was plain, old chalk and the particles in the s*ab marks were clear coat varnish. BRENNAN: Chalk and varnish. Well, do you have anything on the m*rder w*apon or the saw? WENDELL: The negative hook angle on the striations on the bones indicate a bandsaw. BRENNAN: (to Booth) Bandsaw. BOOTH: Bingo. BRENNAN: Bingo based on what? BOOTH: Bingo, Bango. Where else are you gonna find a bandsaw and chalk? (Cut to: Burtonsville High School - Hallway. Booth and Brennan are looking for the shop room.) BOOTH: Shop class. No offense, but you know, I hate your school. MR. BUXLEY: Temperance should too. (he suddenly appears at the top of a staircase, mopping the floor.) They never treated her good enough here. BRENNAN: Hello, Mr. Buxley. MR. BUXLEY: Careful in the dark, kids. (A sound of a saw resonates through the hall) BRENNAN: The saw. (They head towards where the sound is coming from but Booth looks up at the staircase where Mr. Buxley was but he's already gone - just as quickly as he appeared.) BOOTH: (starting after her) Careful, Bones. (They find the Wood Shop, only to find Andy Pfleuger using the bandsaw to carve something out of wood. They get closer and see that he's spelled out "TEMPERANCE") ANDY: Do you like it? You're one of my girls now, Temperance. (They notice a wheel barrow filled with names of other girls made out of wood) ANDY: Do you like it? It's just a token of my affection. It's for you, Temperance. BRENNAN: Oh. Thank you, Andy. (She takes the name plate, hesitantly) BOOTH: No. No "Thank you, Andy." (he takes the name plate) She's married. ANDY: Things happen. BOOTH: Yeah. We know. BRENNAN: You asked Sarah to prom, didn't you? ANDY: Yeah. I mean, I think she would have went with me too, if she'da lived. BRENNAN: Then did you think that Evelyn would leave Brad for you? ANDY: Well, I've heard Brad has had business trouble. I mean, ya know, she deserves somebody who can provide her s*ab. BOOTH: You know, I smell bleach, honey. ANDY: I know. I came in here, the week before last, and the place was really spic and span. You know, Ray doesn't usually do such a good job. MR. BUXLEY: Wasn't me. BOOTH: Do you always just appear? MR. BUXLEY: Bleach cleans blood. Maybe...somebody cut theirselves. Bad. BRENNAN: You are good, Mr. Buxley. You are very good. Ah. I've missed you. BOOTH: Did you want something, Mr. Buxley? Mr. BUXLEY: Oh, right. Uh, Julie asked me to get you all upstairs, uh. Parties startin'. ANDY: Uh, coming. BRENNAN: We'll be right there. I want to show Bobby the picture of me in the science cabinet. BOOTH: Oh, that'd be great. Where's that again? BRENNAN: It's down the hall. BOOTH: Hurry up. (Brennan starts snapping pictures) BRENNAN: Maybe Angela and Wendell can match the saw blade from the photos. BOOTH: What if this whole place was bleached, there's gonna be a lot of blood. BRENNAN: If Evelyn was dismembered here, even if the room was cleaned, the k*ller may have left some evidence. BOOTH: I'll gonna go look for a w*apon. BRENNAN: Pie-shaped point. BOOTH: Right. Pie-shaped point. BRENNAN: The saw would have created a lot of bone dust. (Booth gets a text message) Some of the dust could have gone in to this computer vent.. BOOTH: I'm getting a text. BRENNAN: Found some. (She scrapes some of the dust in to an envelope) This might be bone dust. BOOTH: Turns out, Brad had a large life insurance policy on Evelyn. He definitely knows his way around shop tools. The evidence sure points to Brad. (Brennan finds a water cooler and fills a cup with water.) BOOTH: What'd ya got? (She then proceeds to dump the dust particles into the water to see if any of them sink - which would mean it's bone. Some of the particles sink.) BRENNAN: Bone dust. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Lounge Area. Hodgins and Wendell are taking a coffee break.) HODGINS: It's none of my business if you broke up with Angela. WENDELL: It's your business because we're friends and it's kinda a big deal for me. HODGINS: Oh. Yeah. Right. Uh, I'm sorry. Of course. You know what? You - you need to - you need to go out. And get drunk, you know. Pick a fight. Steal a car. Come on. I got your back. WENDELL: What I need is for you to know that I did my best, concerning Angela. HODGINS: Yeah. I know that already. WEDELL: I haven't told you about it. HODGINS: You don't have to; I know you. (They move to the railing overlooking the platform) WENDELL: Someday, maybe we can talk about what kind of woman Angela is. HODGINS: Someday, yeah. WENDELL: I guess, somewhere I always knew she was just on loan. HODGINS: She is awesome, isn't she. WENDELL: It was totally worth it, man. I mean... HODGINS: I know. WENDELL: I know you know. (Cut to: Burtonsville High School - Gym. The party is in full swing now. Everyone is dancing, including Booth and Brennan) BRAD: (on phone) Well, then let me talk to your supervisor's supervisor... BOOTH: The sheriff said that Brad is upset. You know, Evelyn should be here by now. BRENNAN: You know, a lot of people thought I k*lled Sarah. I think that's why they're so cold to me but I was fine, you know. I had science and history.. BOOTH: And Mr. Buxley. BRENNAN: Yeah. (Mr. Buxley is off to the side watching everyone. Becky and Andy are dancing. Carrie is looking on, upset and Brad is still on the phone) BRAD: (on phone) Yes, I'll hold - for the 50th time. BRENNAN: Oh! The Electric Slide was my favorite dance (Brennan starts to do the Electric Slide while Booth does the Sprinkler and other cheesy dance moves) BRENNAN: I never understood why my classmates didn't appreciate my dance moves more. (The song changes. "A Kiss from a Rose" by Seal comes on and couples start to pair off to slow dance - while Booth tries to avoid slow dancing by talking about the case.) BOOTH: So, we get anymore information from the squints on the m*rder w*apon? BRENNAN: The ice carving tool was close but not an exact match. BOOTH: Right. Let's get some punch. Let's get some punch. BRENNAN: (stopping him) Oh! Can we dance? Booth? BOOTH: What? BRENNAN: It's Seal. BOOTH: Well, it's a slow song. BRENNAN: Oh, I'm sorry. Is that too difficult for you? BOOTH: (hesitantly) Oh, I just don't want any misunderstandings, here, that's all, Bones. I mean, ya know, we, uh, opened a door that neither one of us wants to walk though. BRENNAN: I know. I- I just was asking to dance. Because I remembered the song. I'm sorry. BOOTH: Nah. You know what? Hey, it's just a dance. It's your reunion. Okay. Let's do it. Let's dance. Hey. Come on. (Brennan moves towards him and wraps her hand around his neck, to get closer, but he pushes her away, placing his hands on her waist- leaving a huge space between them) BOOTH: Okay. BRENNAN: Oh. (she laughs) Why are you so far away? BOOTH: You know, just keeping room for the Holy Spirit. That's all. (he looks over towards Mr. Buxley.) Yow! (Brennan turns to look. Mr. Buxley is holding a sharp Kn*fe) BRENNAN: Why are you all so suspicious of Mr. Buxley? BOOTH: Why? Because, you know, he's psycho, he has access to the shop and he has a huge Kn*fe. (Mr. Buxley is near a rope and takes the Kn*fe and cuts it. Stars come down from the ceiling and everyone applauds.) BOOTH: (looking at the stars) That is so cool. (he looks at Brennan) Bones, you're tearing up. BRENNAN: This is the prom that I never got to go to. (Booth smiles and moves towards Brennan, she moves in close and wraps her arms around his neck and places her head on his shoulder. At first, Booth is surprised but accepts the dance. They both seem apprehensive at first but after a few seconds, they both look content; happy to be there, dancing together and for those few moments, everything is how it should (could) be.) (Cut to: Burtonsville High School - Gym. Time has passed but the party is still going strong. Booth and Brennan are sitting at a table, eating.) BOOTH: Could be the shop teacher, right? Everyone turns him down and he freaks out because he's running out of time to lose his virginity. BRENNAN: Well, you still haven't confirmed that Carrie was in Florida. (Carrie walks up carrying pie) CARRIE: Pie? BOOTH: Oh, yeah. Sure, that's great. I love pie. CARRIE: Can't believe Evelyn missed the reunion. BRENNAN: If she never comes back, then you might get your catering contract back. (Carrie walks away, annoyed) BOOTH: See the serving thing? Could be the m*rder w*apon. BRENNAN: The angles wrong. Andy asked me to Prom after Sarah was m*rder. I should have said yes; this is fun! (she laughs) Except for the m*rder. (She looks over at the stars) They're beautiful, aren't they? BOOTH: (eating pie and not paying attention) Yeah, that's great. (Brennan continues to look at them but suddenly, she realizes something.) BRENNAN: The points are about 48 degrees. (she gets up) Just like Angela's estimate. BOOTH: (noticing she got up) What are you doing. Whoa, whoa. (He grabs his pie plate and follows after her) BRENNAN: Excuse me. (She moves a chair under one of the stars) BOOTH: What are ya doing, Bones? (Andy and Julie are talking when Julie notices Brennan on the chair) JULIE: Look at her. She is still weird. Hands off, Morticia. (Brennan pulls the star off the wire) BRENNAN: (to Booth, handing him the star) Hey, just hold that. (She holds up her phone to take a picture) Just hold up the star and smile, sweetheart. SHERIFF CONWAY: They're a frickin' love story and I'm feedin' cats. (Brennan takes a picture, Booth is holding up the star and his pie - huge fake smile on his face.) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. They're looking at the picture that Brennan just took of Booth on the big screen) ANGELA: So the star points have a 52 degree taper. CAM: An exact match for the injuries found on the bones. ANGELA: Yeah, and the edging shows that the stars were cut by the same saw that was used to dismember the body. HODGINS: But there are multiple wounds. It's hard to believe that she was s*ab, repeatedly, with the star until she was k*lled. WENDELL: Can you show us the placement of all the bone injuries? (She brings up a skeleton on the screen and denotes where the s*ab wounds were) CAM: s*ab wounds are usually localized. ANGELA: Well, maybe there were multiple stars. WENDELL: There. Look. The picture from shop class. (Angela bring up the picture) ANGELA: Okay, well this is the drying rack. Uh, this is where they placed the stars when the varnish was drying. So let's see if the points line up. (Angela starts the animation) WENDELL: The wounds are so deep, falling wouldn't k*ll her. ANGELA: Well, unless somebody shoved her onto them. WENDELL: That explains the two ribs that were broken and not cut. They were fractured when the m*rder through Evelyn onto the stars. CAM: Digging the stars into her bones and puncturing the pleural cavity, k*lling her. HODGINS: Somebody really hated her. (Cut to: Burtonsville High School - Gym. Brennan is seated at a table, talking to Cam on the phone while Booth listens in.) BRENNAN: (on phone) Okay, thanks, Cam. (she hangs up the phone then to Booth) The stars are the m*rder w*apon. They were made on the same bandsaw that dismembered Evelyn. BOOTH: Who made the stars? (Brennan spots Mr. Buxley sitting by the stage) BRENNAN: I'll ask. (She gets up and walks over to him) MR. BUXLEY: You're not here for the reunion, are you Miss Temperance? BRENNAN: No, Mr. Buxley. MR. BUXLEY: Couldn't imagine that. So, who's d*ad. BRENNAN: Evelyn. These stars were made here. In the shop. MR. BUXLEY: The stars k*lled her? BRENNAN: Do you know who made them? MR. BUXLEY: Yeah. Julie. She made all the decorations. She's a regular Martha Stewart. BRENNAN: Julie? MR. BUXLEY: Yeah. Don't surprise me, though. One look at her and you can tell she's off. You know them smiley ones, they always give me the willies. (Becky motions for Brennan to join her) BRENNAN: What was wrong? SHERIFF CONWAY: Um, Brad just got off the phone. Evvy never got to Nicaragua. (Brad is sitting on the bleachers, Julie is talking to him - acting concerned.) BRAD: Where could she be. Sh-she would have called, right? (Julie gets up and puts her arm around him) JULIE: Oh, honey. BRENNAN: It was her, Booth. It was Julie. (Cut to: Outside Burtonsville High School. Cop cars are all around and Julie is being led out by Booth, Brennan and Sheriff Conway, in handcuffs) JULIE: Brad was mine. It was my turn to have him. BOOTH: Beg your pardon. JULIE: Evelyn and I made a pact in High School. We got rid of Sarah because she was sleeping with Brad. We had a pact! BRENNAN: Evelyn and you k*lled Sarah? JULIE: She was sleeping with Brad! He was ours. Evvy had him first and now it was my turn to have him. She wouldn't give him up. (to Sheriff Conway) Where is Brad, anyway? Someone should tell him that I'm here. He's gonna be worried about me. SHERIFF CONWAY: Yeah. Um (she pushes her down into the car) Just get comfy. Watch the hair. (Julie looks out the car window for Brad.) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Hodgins Office. Hodgins is putting away some files when Angela enters.) ANGELA: Hey. HODGINS: Hey. ANGELA: Did, um..did Wendell tell you? (Hodgins gives her a knowing look) Of course he did, you're friends. HODGINS: You okay? ANGELA: Yeah. Yes, I am. As you know, I have some experience in this area. And, I'd like to know if Wendell's alright? HODGINS: Well, he's doing much better than I did after we broke up. ANGELA: Well, I don't want to be the kind of person who leaves this string of good-hearted guys behind her, ya know? HODGINS: Ange, we broke up. Ya know. You did not dump me and Wendell is find. And I gotta tell ya, I think you left him in - in better shape than you found him. ANGELA: I don't know about that. I mean, I'm pretty sure he was born that way. HODGINS: Still. He is better for having known you, Angela. ANGELA: And how can you be sure? HODGINS: Because I've been there. (Cut to: Founding Fathers Bar - Night. The whole g*ng is together, having drinks.) SWEETS: Even ten or fifteen years later, you put the same, in the same environments and the exact same interpersonal relationships pick up where they left off. BRENNAN: Well, when the wall fell - the majority of KGB Agents kept their positions when the organization turned to other endeavors. BOOTH: Are you saying that high school is like the KGB. HODGINS: Yeah. CAM: Clandestine meetings, secret pacts, m*rder. Sounds like her high school. BRENNAN: Well, I tried to change their perception of me by telling them how rich and successful I've become but they still didn't like me. SWEETS: Why would you tell them that? BOOTH: You know what? She didn't do it right. HODGINS: You told her to do that. BOOTH: Well, look. It had to be subtle. ANGELA: I am so never going to my high school reunion, ever. WENDELL: I think it'd be fun to see how everybody turned out. HODGINS: Oh, heck, yeah! I'd love to see how Suzanne Dowell turned out. Oh, man. She used to wear these jeans...must have been painted on. SWEETS: Stephanie Roberts and her little pink shirt. CAM: Dr. Sweets, are you still with us? (Cam laughs) SWEETS: Sorry. BOOTH: Look, they didn't dislike you, Bones, they just didn't understand you. That's a big difference. BRENNAN: It didn't bother me. I found the reunion to be quite educational. And you were right. It was good to go back. It made me see how lucky I am. Now. This is what friendship is like; this table. I am very lucky. HODGINS: Aww. Cheers! (They all clink glasses/bottles) EVERYONE: Cheers! BRENNAN: Salud! (They all continue to talk, laugh and drink.) END.

{"type": "series", "show": "Bones", "episode": "05x17 - The Death of the Queen Bee"}

foreverdreaming

THE PREDATOR IN THE POOL (Open: Medico Legal Lab. Two Jeffersonian workers are wheeling in a body, followed by Booth, Brennan, Andrew Hacker and Catherine Bryar, a marine biologist) DR. CATHERINE BRYAR: On Tuesday morning, a d*ad Tiger Shark washed up on Rehoboth Beach. Its stomach contained the undigested remains of a human leg. BOOTH: Ouch! BRENNAN: Wha-what's wrong? BOOTH: It's gotta hurt. CATHERINE: A seasoned law enforcement agent who still has empathy for a victim. I'm glad to know you're out there. BOOTH: At your service. HACKER: Dr. Bryar, who is from the National Atmos-Ocean Admiral Association, called us this morning. CATHERINE: The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. BRENNAN: Andrew was joking; he likes to put people at ease. It's a nice quality. (Andrew and Brennan share a smile) BOOTH: Well, everybody likes to laugh. (off the leg) Except that guy. CATHERINE: Well, the weird thing is - nobody reported a shark att*ck anywhere along the eastern seaboard. HACKER: (to Brennan) Do you think you can make an identification from the leg? (to Bryar) I've seen Temperance ID a victim from a single finger nail clipping. BRENNAN: What? I've never done that. BOOTH: Well, maybe not that, but ya know, things like that. (to Catherine) She's my partner. I'm sure we could help you out. CATHERINE: I'd be greatful. BOOTH: Yeah. Sweet. (Booth and Catherine have a moment as Hacker and Brennan look on.) BOOTH: Yeah, I should go and clear out and I'll let you do your thing. (He nearly trips over a table on his way off the platform as he leaves. He looks back, once more, at Cathrine before he heads out the door.) HACKER: Well, that was a speedy exit. (to Brennan and Bryar) Shall we? (Short time lapse) BRENNAN: The victim is likely male. These shallow cuts and deep gouges, in conjunction with location of recovery, are likely indications of C.O.D. We need to count osteons to determine age, but the length of the tibia indicates a height of between 5' and 5'6" HACKER: A short guy got bit by a shark. (Catherine nods at Andrew, in agreement, while Brennan continues on.) BRENNAN: Now, these look like a six ridge dermal denticles CATHERINE: That can't be. A tiger shark doesn't have dermal denticles. BRENNAN: Then the victim encountered multiple predators at the same time. CATHERINE: That is highly unlikely. BRENNAN: (pointing to the bone) Well, this simple, symmetrical break- CATHERINE: That's a tiger shark. BRENNAN: (pointing to a different cut) This is different. Some kind of small, conical canine- CATHERINE: That's red snapper. BRENNAN: Then, this serrated bite- CATHERINE: Oh, my god. A hammerhead. HACKER: What? This sounds good. CATHERINE: Hammerheads are tropical. It's unlikely you'd find one this far north. BRENNAN: Where is the nearest place a tiger shark, a hammerhead and a red snapper could co-exist. HACKER: How about the aquarium? Hey, you don't get to be Deputy Director of the FBI by just dressing well and kissing ass. Okay, yeah. That's most of it, but I'm probably right about the aquarium. (Cut to: Aquarium of the Atlantic. Booth and Brennan are meeting with Marilyn Stoddard) BRENNAN: According to NOAA, this facility focuses on marine rescue and preservation. A rehabilitated tiger shark was permanently released into the ocean this Saturday. BOOTH: Jaws grabbed a quick snack before heading back out into the wild? Shark att*cks are very rare. I mean, look. Sharks - they don't even like to eat people. BRENNAN: (surprised) That's true. How do you know that? BOOTH: Shark Week. You know, where they do nothing but make you afraid of sharks. BRENNAN: Wait. They have a week set aside just for sharks? BOOTH: Yeah. It's a TV thing. (A big shark swims by, in the t*nk) MARILYN STODDARD: Agent Booth? BOOTH: Yes. Uh, Dr. Stoddard. MARILYN: Marilyn. I work in the Animal Husbandry Department. BRENNAN: I'm Dr. Temperance Brennan from the Jeffersonian. Was someone eaten here this weekend? MARILYN: No. BOOTH: The tiger shark that you released this past Saturday, can you show us where you kept him? MARILYN: Yeah. Come-come right this way (She turns to lead them through the crowd of visitors in the lobby; she heads for the t*nk that's in front of them.) BOOTH: (to Brennan) Since when do fish have husbands? BRENNAN: Animal husbandry is the science of breeding livestock. BOOTH: Since when are fish livestock? BRENNAN: Well, the term can be applied loosely. MARILYN: This is the Tropical Reef t*nk, where the tiger shark was kept prior to release. Originally, he required isolation but once he recovered, we placed him in here to see how he would interact with the others. BRENNAN: Recovered from what? MARILYN: His fin was very nearly severed, probably from a drag net. BOOTH: How did he get on with the other fish? MARILYN: Just fine, as far as I can tell. BRENNAN: You also have a hammerhead? MARILYN: Ah, yes. Hiding somewhere. Uh, The t*nk is over six-hundred thousand gallons. You can only see a portion from this side. BOOTH: It's like an ocean itself. MARILYN: It is, um, but I'm pretty sure we would see evidence if a human being had been eaten in there. BOOTH: Anyone missing? MARILYN: Employees, you mean? Or guests? No. BRENNAN: How about missing a leg? MARILYN: No. I think we would notice something like that. BOOTH: Anything unusual? MARILYN: The facilities department lost an expensive filter, there was a slight spike in the ammonia level but nothing out of the ordinary here, certinly nothing close to a fatal accident. (Behind her, we see a giant grouper opens its mouth and part of a human skull falls out. It sinks to the ground.) BOOTH: Okay, now who's gonna go in there to get that? (Cut to: Aquarium of the Atlantic. Upstairs area above the t*nk. Brennan and Hodgins are suited up in scuba gear.) BOOTH: Okay, you know what? You don't have to go in, Bones. BRENNAN: Yes, I do. We need to recover what's left of the victim to have any hope of identification. BOOTH: Time out, okay. Have Hodgins do it. HODGINS: I look like Richard Dreyfus, don't I? "We're gonna need a bigger boat!" BRENNAN: No - we don't need a boat. Wh-why are you wearing that hat? BOOTH: Keep his brain warm, okay. Make Hodgins go in there and do it. BRENNAN: There is nothing to be afraid of, Booth. HODGINS: Yeah, you know, sharks - they don't eat people. BOOTH: Really? Tell that to the guy who got, ya know, coughed up by a grouper, okay. (Ben Marcus approaches them) BEN MARCUS: okay, who's going in? (Hodgins, then Brennan raise their hands) You guys know what you're doing, right? It isn't a swim in a fish t*nk. BRENNAN: Isn't that exactly what it is? HODGINS: Yeah, a really big, cool one. BOOTH: No, no. It's the recovery of a body in an investigation of a potential homicide. Alright? Any questions, you ask me. Understand? Keep your eyes on me. BEN: Gotcha. (Marilyn comes over with a walkie talkie for Booth.) MARILYN: Ready? BRENNAN: Yes, I am. MARILYN: Okay, Ben here will escort you to the t*nk. Agent Booth, follow me. You'll be able to communicate with Dr. Brennan on our intercom system. BOOTH: I thank you. MARILYN: (to Brennan) And good luck to you. (Cut to: Aquarium of the Atlantic. Booth is outside the t*nk, watching as Hodgins and Brennan are in scuba gear, search the Tropical Reef t*nk for additional remains. ) BOOTH: (into walky talkie) Bones. Bones, you there? BRENNAN: We're right here, Booth. This is beautiful. Hodgins, I'll get the skull. You see if there's any other bone particulates. (There are sharks and other sea creatures swimming all around them. Brennan reaches for the top part of the skull) BRENNAN: I have the anterior aspect of the skull. HODGINS: You'd call it a face, Booth. BOOTH: Pipe down there, pal. (Brennan bags the skull and Hodgins is sifting through the sand on the bottom of the t*nk. She spots something.) BRENNAN: Hodgins. Over here. (Booth moves closer to the t*nk to see what they've found) BRENNAN: Look. (Behind a rock lies the rest of the skeleton.) (Cut to: FBI Headquarters. Booth is about to enter his office when he notices Catherine walking towards him) BOOTH: Hi. CATHERINE: Hi! I thought I would stop by and see if you've made any progress today. BOOTH: Oh, well, yeah. Dr. Brennan, she's still working on the identification. CATHERINE: Wow. BOOTH: It's what we do. CATHERINE: Do you mind if I ask you a question? BOOTH: Sure. Come on in. (They walk into his office) It's my office. CATHERINE: It's very nice. BOOTH: Yeah, huh. CATHERINE: Yeah. I was wondering if you wanted to go out sometime? Maybe this weekend? Unless, of course, I'm a suspect because I know you can't date me if I'm a suspect, right? BOOTH: I - I can't date anyone who's a suspect. CATHERINE: I understand. BOOTH: Yeah. Right? It's FBI, rules and regulations. CATHERINE: Yeah. BOOTH: But, um, you know, when we're done with you, um, you know, I can give you call. And uh, you can go out with me or I can go out with you. CATHERINE: How 'bout both! BOOTH: Hey, hook at that. (They both laugh and smile at each other) CATHERINE: Well, I'm looking forward to not being a suspect. BOOTH: I am, too. CATHERINE: Let me know if hear anything more about the identification. BOOTH: Yeah, yeah. I will. CATHERINE: Alright. BOOTH: Bye. CATHERINE: Bye. (She leaves and he watches her go - tripping over his desk.) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Autopsy Room. Clark is showing his findings to Cam.) CLARK: The pelvis verifies the osteon count. He was between the ages of 30 and 34. The fusion of the vertebrae could indicate an injury to the spinal cord. CAM: Huh. Anything off the spectroscope? CLARK: Yes. The distal tibia from the leg we found originally. It confirms the presence of perimortem bruising. CAM: When the shark att*cked the victim, he was still alive? CLARK: Yes. Take a look right here. I found a cleft fracture of the styloid process. CAM: Probably blunt-force to the throat. CLARK: And here, several multidirectional grooves along the glabella and the supraorbital ridge. CAM: The victim was s*ab in the eye? CLARK: Varying degrees of force may suggest that someone tried to s*ab the victim in the face with a narrow, sharp object. CAM: Okay. Well, That makes this an official homicide. The victim was as*ault and then dumped into the t*nk alive as a means of disposal. (Hodgins enters) HODGINS: I think I know when it happened. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Ookey Room. There is coral sitting in a fish t*nk on a table.) HODGINS: Meet deploria labyrinthiformis. Better known as the groovy grooved brain coral native to the Caribbean, Bermuda and Bahamas. CAM: Why is it here? HODGINS: Coral skeletons accrete tiny crystals of calcium carbonate at night. So for us, this provides a timeline similar to tree rings. Coral can tell us what was in the water and when it got there. CAM: If you have a year to wait. HODGINS: No. That is the beauty. Because of the rapid nature of the growth, the timeline is condensed. CAM: How specific is it? HODGINS: Within hours. Now, a spike in ammonia and nitrate levels found within the coral skeleton tells us that something died in that t*nk on Friday night between midnight and 6:00 a.m. Something big. Like human being big. (Cut to: Royal Diner - Day. Booth and Brennan are eating lunch) BOOTH: This here are the 28 people we know were at the aquarium, Saturday morning, between the hours of midnight and 6am. Most of them are, uh, employees and security guards. BRENNAN: Are all of them still alive? (Booth's phone rings) BOOTH: I'm - I'm working on that right now. (picking up the phone) Booth. HACKER: This NOAA thing is turning into a full fledged investigation. (Andrew is walking down a street while talking to Booth) BRENNAN: Who is it? BOOTH: (mouths) Hacker. BRENNAN: Tell Andrew I said Hi. BOOTH: (hesistates, then into phone.) Bones says Hello. HACKER: Hello. Tell her I'm really looking forward to our date. BOOTH: (into phone) Did you two want to speak to each other or is there something that you wanted to tell me, sir? HACKER: I called because I got a heads up on your missing person. BOOTH: (into phone) Yeah. Okay, wow. Gotcha. (He flips the phone closed) BRENNAN: What did he say? BOOTH: Oh, he's looking forward to our date (after realizing his freudian slip) - your date. BRENNAN: So am I. He emailed me and said he had tickets to a play. BOOTH: He emailed you? For a play? BRENNAN: I believe that 'a play' is Andrew's code for sex. (Booth looks a bit uncomfortable) Is it okay for us to talk like this? BOOTH: Yeah. BRENNAN: Well, when he invited me to the play I thought it was code for sex so I said no. BOOTH: Oh. BRENNAN: But I said yes to coffee. BOOTH: Maybe that's a code. BRENNAN: uh, uh. Angela said that coffee isn't a code for anything. BOOTH: Well, I have a date too. BRENNAN: Good. BOOTH: Catherine Bryar. BRENNAN: Everyone at the aquarium is a suspect. BOOTH: And once she's eliminated as a person of interest... BRENNAN: (changing the subject) Why did Andrew call? BOOTH: Oh, um. Number 19 on the list, isn't accounted for. (Booth hands her the paper and she looks at the list) BRENNAN: Jazz g*n? BOOTH: Yeah. BRENNAN: What a ludicris name. BOOTH: You don't know who that is? (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Sweets Office. Booth, Brennan and Sweets are watching a video.) JAZZ g*n: (on video) My name is Jazz g*n and I have a secret to tell you. In the simplest terms, the terrestrial world we live in mirrors the underwater world you see right here. The same rules that govern the sea also govern the sea of life. SWEETS: Jazz g*n is your average and I do mean, "average," self-help guru. His half-baked theory is based on nothing more than the concept of natural selection, but his Sea of Life seminars are packed. BRENNAN: The shape of his skull is consistent with that of the victim. I have never heard of him. BOOTH: I've heard of him. He spent Friday night getting ready to prepare for this big speech that he was supposed to give this morning at the aquarium, and he never showed up. SWEETS: He said that he had a car accident in '93 that left him unable to walk, but after he swam in the sea off the coast of Brazil, he was cured. BOOTH: What, like a miracle? Like this power of positive thinking? BRENNAN: It's preposterous. SWEETS: He swam with sharks. He said that by forcing himself to face his atavistic fears, he gained the strength to fight back. That's the whole theory behind the Sea of Life. BOOTH: What - so now this guy - What? He gets paid a hundred bucks a pop to talk about that in front of fish t*nk? JAZZ g*n: (on video) Let's begin with life lesson #1: Eat or be eaten. What if your friends and neighbors tried to eat you? (Sweets pauses the video) SWEETS: Look at this guy. His name is Tad Benedict. Benedict used to be Jazz's assistant, but, uh, now Jazz does it solo. They had a widely publicized falling out. BRENNAN: What does he have in his hand? SWEETS: Uh, that's a pen. BRENNAN: It looks like a metal stylus. The victim was s*ab with a small, sharp object. BOOTH: Theodore Benedict. He's on our list of people that were there at the aquarium Friday night. SWEETS: Maybe Jazz hired him back. BOOTH: Or maybe he just showed up on his own with a chip on his shoulder. BRENNAN: And a pointy pointer in his hand. BOOTH: Or, like life lesson #1: Eat or be eaten. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Interrogation Room. Booth is interrogating Tad Benedict.) BOOTH: Tad, is it? TAD BENEDICT: Yeah. No. I can't believe this happened. Who would want to k*ll Jazz? People love him. BOOTH: Well, the easy answer is "you." You worked for him three years ago? TAD: Off and on, starting three years ago, yeah. BOOTH: Well, let's forget about the on, all right? Let's just focus on the off. It says you were dismissed after an argument over compensation? TAD: I wanted a share of the profits. I felt like I did a lot of work and he made all the money. BOOTH: I couldn't think of a clearer motive. You? TAD: Come on. Do I look like I could do that? BOOTH: No. But, uh, you know, I've seen the video. Jazz is about, what? Five four? And you? The way you were wielding that little crazy pen around of yours that you had, is pretty fierce. TAD: You do know that that fight was all over, right? He called me a couple months ago when he oversold a seminar in Santa Fe. He needed help and apologized. I needed the job, so I went back to work. BOOTH: Does he pay you? TAD: I get a percentage after each seminar, just like I asked. And he took me and my wife to Aspen for Chrtmas. I more than forgave him. You want to know what I think, Agent Booth? BOOTH: Sure. TAD: Jazz loved the sea. He wanted to swim in that big t*nk at the aquarium. He told me. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. On the screen, there's a feed from the tropical reef t*nk at the aquarium.) BRENNAN: Is this a live feed of the tropical reef t*nk at the aquarium? ANGELA: Yep. With an interactive interface I implemented myself. Check this out. Click on this guy. The program has an index that catalogs anything organic. BRENNAN: This is incredible, Angela. May I try? (Hodgins enters) HODGINS: Look what I found in the filter from the aquarium. It's a five-inch piece of tanned putrescible animal raw hide. BRENNAN: From a fish? HODGINS: From a wallet. ANGELA: Well, if you go into a fish t*nk willingly, you remove your wallet, right? HODGINS: Yeah. (noticing the screen) Oh, wow. Oh, you should leave this up. It's beautiful. Peaceful. Pure. ANGELA: It's kind of scary, though, right? HODGINS: I like scary. ANGELA: Yeah, so do I. (After a few moments, Brennan looks over towards Angela and Hodgins and notices they're having 'a moment') BRENNAN: Clark is trying to determine what sort of w*apon the k*ller may have used when s*ab at the victim's face. Hodgins, please keep me posted about what you find in the filter. HODGINS: Uh-huh. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - . Clark is examing remains when Brennan enters the platform.) BRENNAN: Did you have time to examine the grooves? CLARK: I did. BRENNAN: Syringe. CLARK: Taking a closer look, I could see some of the deeper grooves had a faint semi-circular ridge near the point of contact. I thought it would be consistent with the hub of a hypodermic needle. In terms of diameter, 14-gauge would be about right. BRENNAN: But there are no matching grooves on the styloid process. CLARK: No. That injury is simple blunt-force. BRENNAN: If the victim was s*ab with a hypodermic needle, something may have been injected. CLARK: It's hard to tell with the body being submerged and I can't find the perfect needle to match either. BRENNAN: Maybe I can. (Cut to: Aquarium of the Atlantic - Back Room. Marilyn Stoddard is working, Booth and Brennan enter.) BRENNAN: Excuse me. We're back. MARILYN: I see that. Can I help you with something? (Booth laughs) BRENNAN: Why is she taking that tone? BOOTH: Oh, she just doesn't like being pinned as a m*rder suspect. MARILYN: No. I can deal with that. What I don't like is having every piece of information I give you double-checked. What can I do for you? BOOTH: We want to take a look at your hypodermic needles. MARILYN: All right. What sort of needles? BOOTH: Bones? BRENNAN: The 14-gauge with a round hub and a blunted tip. BOOTH: Exactly. MARILYN: Uh, we don't carry anything like that. BOOTH: Okay. Anything similar? MARILYN: I realize you need to double-check, so please - go right ahead. BOOTH: Also need to know who had access to it on the night the victim died. MARILYN: I wasn't back here that night. BRENNAN: What's wrong with these angelfish? MARILYN: They've been listless the past few days, most likely due to something they ingested. BOOTH: Or someone. BRENNAN: We should take these fish back to the lab. MARILYN: No, you can't. These are a gift from Morocco. BRENNAN: They need to be tested for trace evidence in a m*rder investigation. BOOTH: We'll get them back to you. No worry. BRENNAN: I may or may not get them back to you. (Booth starts to use a net to get the fish out of the t*nk when..) BOOTH: Hey, wait. You just said that you weren't here that night. You already said that you were. MARILYN: No. Not in this area. I mean, no one was back here after midnight. I was out in the lobby, helping with the kids. BOOTH: Kids? What kids? MARILYN: Our education department hosts field trips for local elementary students. I was helping the teacher. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Conference Room. Booth is talking to Grace Redmon.) GRACE REDMON: I teach fourth grade. My students are mostly 9 and 10 year olds. We usually do the Natural History Museum and I thought we'd try something new. So we tried the aquarium. BOOTH: Wow. 36 kids overnight. That's - that's very brave of you. GRACE: Well, kids that age, when they fall asleep, they're like little corpses. BOOTH: Did you have any help? GRACE: Yes. Four mothers and they're the same four mothers who do everything. I can give you their names. BOOTH: That'd be great. Thanks. Where did you sleep? GRACE: In sleeping bags on the floor in the lobby. The aquarium people left the lights on in the big t*nk until midnight; It was beautiful. BOOTH: I'm just wondering; How is it that so many people can spend the night in front of a t*nk and not see a man being eaten by sharks? GRACE: When they turned the lights off, it was dark. Agent Booth, believe me, if one of those kids had seen anything, they would all know about it by now. BOOTH: Why? GRACE: First of all, they're blabbermouths. And second, they were all issued these disposable cameras. And they take pictures of everything. BOOTH: Everything? GRACE: Everything. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters. The hallway is filled with kids and Booth & Sweets are sitting behind a table in the Conference Room. They're taking the cameras from the students, in hopes that one of them caught something on film.) BOOTH: Just tell me if any of these kids is a k*ller. SWEETS: Well, no, it's pretty tough to tell your average 9 year old from your average psychopath. BOOTH: Don't say that, all right? I have a kid nearly that age. SWEETS: Children are still forming their sense of ethics at this age. Like I said, they're basically sociopaths. It's true. TEACHER: (O.S.) Kids, kids, don't touch the TV. Get back in line. SWEETS: Hey. (she hands him her camera) Ah, thanks, Lucy. Your photos will be returned after they're developed and perused for the investigation. LUCY: What about the contest? BOOTH: We told the kids it was a photo contest. SWEETS: Oh, that's good. To spare them the trauma of the m*rder. Good idea. LUCY: m*rder? SWEETS: No, no. No, no, no, no. BOOTH: No, no, photo contest. First prize: amusement park. SWEETS: No one said "m*rder." BOOTH: First place goes to an amusement park. (motioning for Lucy to go) Go ahead. BOOTH: Oh, I saved you. SWEETS: I know. BOOTH: You'll thank me for saving you later. (motioning for the next kid) Next. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. Brennan and Angela are looking through the pictures.) ANGELA: So I'm looking for evidencene of shark att*ck and m*rder while simultaneously judging a photo contest. BRENNAN: You possess the necessary overlapping skills. ANGELA: Well, between 36 disposables and 10 cell phone cameras, we've got quite a selection here. (she stops on a picture of a little boy with food hanging out of his mouth) Ew. BRENNAN: So, you said that "coffee" isn't code for anything, right? ANGELA: Sweetie, I think you need to stop worrying about sex codes. Hacker is a very up-front guy, who is also extremely politically savvy. Talk about strange overlapping skills, huh? BRENNAN: I don't know what that means. ANGELA: Hacker is very sophisticated in his job, but he's much more transparent in his personal life. Does that sound like anybody you know? BRENNAN: Me? So you mean we're compatible? ANGELA: Well, you know who I think you belong with. BRENNAN: I don't belong with anyone, Angela. Do you? ANGELA: Well, I'm grappling with those same issues. So, yes, go have coffee with Hacker. And if it goes well, then maybe you guys can graduate to lunch. BRENNAN: Wh-What should I wear? ANGELA: Clothing. BRENNAN: (pointing to a picture) Look at this. ANGELA: Let me see that one. Let me see if I can, uh, scan this. (she scans the picture and it shows up on the big screen) Well, it's definitely a person. BRENNAN: That's not our victim. The proportions are wrong. But no one was supposed to be back there. ANGELA: At 2:38 a.m. BRENNAN: Hodgins said that the victim died in the t*nk between midnight and 6:00 a.m. ANGELA: So this could definitely be our k*ller. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Ookey Room. Clark enters while Hodgins is blending something in a blender) CLARK: Oh. That is the most unpleasant smell. HODGINS: Angelfish smoothie? CLARK: Man, you k*lled the Moroccan angelfish? HODGINS: No. No, I did not. They died on their own. Only afterwards did I puree them. ClARK: Oh, I really hope you can prove that. Those aquarium people love their fish. HODGINS: Don't worry. The angelfish died from a generic organic protein-based neurotoxin that's found in lots of different yummy places - like the flagellum of bacteria. CLARK: What, did they absorb it through their gills? HODGINS: I think they ingested it. CLARK: By snacking on our victim? HODGINS: No. This neurotoxin's not strong enough to k*ll a fully grown human male. CLARK: Wait a minute. What if it was injected through his eye? You know, more than once. HODGINS: Well, it'd be disorienting - as would any injection into the eye. CLARK: Perhaps Dr. Saroyan can find traces in what's left of the body. Thank you. (He starts to head out) HODGINS: Oh, hey, Clark. CLARK: Yeah. HODGINS: Feel I should warn you. Angela and Wendell; they broke up. CLARK: Uh, I'm sorry. What's that got to do with me? HODGINS: She may be on the market for a new intern. CLARK: Okay, okay, okay. Listen. I'm gonna - I'm gonna break my cardinal rule for you and offer some good advice. Don't do that. HODGINS: Do what? CLARK: Channel your own frustrations into snide allusions. HODGINS: Oh. Snide is a strong word. Um... I, uh, I found this for you. It was in the vacuum. CLARK: Looks like an enterolith. In cats, you would call it a hairball. Though, in this, I see some bone fragments within its composition. HODGINS: Well, take it. It's all yours. CLARK: Thanks. HODGINS: Clark. CLARK: What is it now, Dr. Hodgins? HODGINS: Thank you for breaking your cardinal rule. I'll, uh, I'll take what you said under advisement. CLARK: Good. Just know that I really don't need to know the outcome. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. Brennan, Angela and Cam are looking at the large screen.) CAM: Why can't you just lighten up the guy's face and, you know, zoom in? ANGELA: Because it was a cell phone camera that was aimed by a child. BRENNAN: The Plexiglas at this point is a foot thick. ANGELA: And 30 feet of water. BRENNAN: At night. CAM: I was just asking. ANGELA: Okay, so I used some warping software to reverse the direction of the distortion that was caused by the waves on the surface of the water. Then I lit it up. But this is the best that I can do. CAM: Okay. Well, we'll print that up and get it to Booth. BRENNAN: I know this man. ANGELA: You do? BRENNAN: Yes, his name is Ben. I saw him working at the aquarium. CAM: Are you sure? BRENNAN: Absolutely. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Interrogation Room. Booth is interrogating Ben Marcus.) BOOTH: So why didn't you clock in, Ben? BEN: Probably 'cause I wasn't working. BOOTH: Really? Okay. There you go. You see? And on top of it, we have photographic evidence that shows that you were. BEN: Oh. Right. That night. BOOTH: Right, that night. Just a routine night at the aquarium. Man gets m*rder and then he gets fed to the sharks. BEN: I wasn't supposed to work that night but I switched shifts. I didn't clock in using my own card. That happens. BOOTH: Doesn't matter. Fact is, you were there. So let's start this all over again, shall we, okay? There's a check made out to you. Ben Marcus - that's you, right? - for $10,000, deposited the day after the m*rder. BEN: I can explain that. BOOTH: Signed by one Dimitri Vladov. BEN: Oh, man. Okay. This looks bad 'cause he's a big Russian mobster type. BOOTH: Hello! Of course it looks bad. It's made out to you for $10,000. For what? BEN: It's not what you think, but if I tell you - Vladov will k*ll me. Okay, I want a lawyer. I'm not saying anything else. BOOTH: I'll just go ask Vlad. BEN: Do you think you could leave my name out of it? No? BOOTH: No. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters. Hacker and Booth are walking down the hall.) HACKER: Dimitri Vladov? BOOTH: Yeah. HACKER: Vladov the Impaler paid for a h*t with a check? BOOTH: Yeah, well, I mean, why would Vladov hire an amateur? HACKER: And pay by check? That's not a good sign for law enforcement. That's not a good sign for culture as a whole. You know what we ought to do? Pool our money together, buy a buffalo ranch in Alberta. BOOTH: Wha-wh - sir, sir, why do I feel like you're stalling so I don't talk to this guy? HACKER: I am stalling, yes. BOOTH: Why? HACKER: Why go out on a limb when you know it's gonna break? Vladov's under surveillance by about five federal agencies and nothing ever happens. BOOTH: How's he get away with it? HACKER: What's the Russian word for "Teflon"? BOOTH: I don't know, Teflofistan? HACKER: Vladov has been brought up on 50 charges - everything from homicide, RICO, prostitution - they've been smuggling counterfeit vodka for years. He has a brilliant trick to keep himself out of prison. BOOTH: What's that? HACKER: He denies doing it. It's gotten to the point, when he denies something, it's his way of saying yes. BOOTH: Yeah, well, I'm not afraid to bring this guy in. HACKER: You should be. You value your pension, you should be. BOOTH: Okay, well, I'm not, even when you sound like Yoda. HACKER: You want me with you when you talk to him? BOOTH: Why? HACKER: Vladov the Impaler; the nickname is self-explanatory. BOOTH: Nah, I can handle it. HACKER: Good. But I truly hope that you don't end up getting eaten by sharks because your successes have done wonders for my career. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Ookey Room. Hodgins is examining the filter from the aquarium) HODGINS: This looks like your friendly neighborhood gill raker. BRENNAN: What's that? HODGINS: That? That would be your friendly neighborhood gum wrapper. (Brennan's phone rings) BRENNAN: It's Booth. (she puts the phone on speaker) Hello, Booth. (Booth is in the car, driving.) BOOTH: (on phone) Yeah, Bones, listen, you got to help me. I got a hot lead and a funny feeling. BRENNAN: I-I don't understand the juxtaposition. BOOTH: All right, listen, I just need a really strong, really compelling piece of evidence. BRENNAN: Usually, all you say you need is your g*n and your wits. BOOTH: Well, you know, I've come to depend on your wits, too. BRENNAN: What kind of proof do you need? BOOTH: Look, I need something that links a Russian mobster to a self-improvement guru who gives speeches in front of fish t*nk. BRENNAN: I'm currently witless. HODGINS: This is the Russian mobster who smuggles booze? BOOTH: Yeah, well, that's the nicest thing he does. (Hodgins pours some water in a beaker) BOOTH: (on phone) Hello? Is somebody doing something there? BRENNAN: Hodgins is doing a demonstration in his beaker. HODGINS: It's a fact that Russian "businessmen" add blue dye (he adds blue dye to the water) to t*nk of clear alcohol and import it as glass cleaner, thus avoiding the high tariff on booze. Now, once it gets to the States, they need to remove the dye so that they can bottle the booze as vodka. Only way to do that (he pours the blue liquid onto the filter) is from a reverse osmosis filter. BOOTH: Okay, know what? I got "filter" out of that. (The liquid comes out of the bottom of the filter, clear.) BRENNAN: Marilyn at the aquarium told us that they're missing a filter. BOOTH: (on phone) The mob can't go buy a filter? HODGINS: No, this one is special. It's really huge and extra good. See? BOOTH: (on phone) No, I don't see. I'm in another place. I'm driving a car. BRENNAN: Well, if you were here, you'd be very impressed. BOOTH: (on phone) I get it: our victim witnesses a filter theft and gets k*lled for it. HODGINS: h*t him with the filter, Booth. That's your connection. BRENNAN: Hodgins means metaphorically, Booth. If you h*t a Russian mobster with an actual filter, he'd probably just impale you. BOOTH: All right, well, that's great. Thanks for the tip. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Booth's Office. Booth is talking with Dimitri Vladov.) BOOTH: Mr. Vladov, could you, uh, please describe your line of work? DIMITRI VLADOV: For the purposes of this conversation, importing and exporting. Mostly glass cleaner. BOOTH: Is that 80 proof? VLADOV: Agent Booth, you know what you know, fine, but what we are talking about here is different. How about you tell me what it is you think I did. Then I tell you I did not do this thing. Then we part ways amicably. BOOTH: You know a motivational speaker by the name of Jazz g*n? VLADOV: No. That's a silly name. BOOTH: How about Ben Marcus? Works at the Aquarium of the Atlantic. VLADOV: I even more vehemently deny knowing this person. BOOTH: Did you hire Ben Marcus to steal a filter from the giant t*nk? VLADOV: I deny this categorically. BOOTH: (he holds up a check in an evidence bag) That your check? That's your name. Right there - Dimitri Vladov. And that's your signature right there. Check was written out to a man who was photographed at the scene of a m*rder. He cashed it the next day. VLADOV: No, that is not my check. BOOTH: Yes, it is. It's your check. VLADOV: No, it is not. BOOTH: You know, it's illegal to provide false information that may impede a federal investigation. VLADOV: I'm not aware of this, no. BOOTH: Well, you're aware of it now 'cause I'm telling you. VLADOV: Am I under arrest? BOOTH: I don't know. Are you? VLADOV: I like you, Agent Booth. And I've told you everything I know on this issue. You now owe me a favor. BOOTH: I owe you a favor? (he starts to laugh) I don't owe you anything. VLADOV: Yes, you do. (Vladov starts to laugh as well.) BOOTH: (stops laughing) No, I don't. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Brennan is walking down the hall when Hodgins intercepts her, carrying a tray.) HODGINS: May I interest you in our final selections from the filter? Dorsal fin from a foxface rabbitfish. I believe this is some sort of sea turtle feces, a rusty paper clip and the broken spine of a lionfish. And that's all she wrote. (Clark joins them) CLARK: Throw in the embryonic cells of a blue shark and the remains of a human vertebra. BRENNAN: Embryonic cells. (Brennan grabs Clarks tray and rushes off. After a b*at, Hodgins and Clark follow after her.) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. Brennan rushes in with the tray.) BRENNAN: I need to see your virtual aquarium. ANGELA: Yeah. Sure. (She turns on the aquarium) BRENNAN: Is there a blue shark in this t*nk? ANGELA: I don't think so. (she scans the t*nk) No. No blue shark. HODGINS: Well, that's not possible. How would those embryonic cells get into the t*nk? I mean, it's a closed system. BRENNAN: They weren't in the t*nk. They were in the victim. The embryonic cells of a blue shark can be injected between the vertebrae to form an infrastructure matrix that facilitates neural transmission. It restores the spinal cord. It was progressive surgery that restored Jazz g*n's ability to walk. It had nothing to do with his ridiculous theory. ANGELA: What a little liar. BRENNAN: Well, I have to tell Booth there's a scientific explanation for this. HODGINS: Dr. Brennan. You know what else is missing from this t*nk? Lionfish. CLARK: Looks like a 14-gauge. (Cut to: Aquarium of the Atlantic. Booth and Brennan are with Marily, upstairs near the entrance of the t*nk) BRENNAN: Jazz g*n was a liar. He wasn't cured by swimming in Brazil. He underwent experimental surgery. BOOTH: Yeah, well, think of all the people he misled. That's motive for m*rder right there. MARILYN: Is this what you're looking for? (The arrive at the t*nk with the Lion fish in it) BRENNAN: The edge of this t*nk is damaged. MARILYN: It still holds water. We're on a tight budget around here. BRENNAN: This explains the cleft fracture on the victim's styloid process. BOOTH: Wh- you lost me, Bones. BRENNAN: The lionfish protects itself with venomous spines containing the same neurotoxin that stunned our victim prior to his death. BOOTH: So no hypodermic needle? BRENNAN: No. There were several spines from one venomous fish all coming into contact with the victim's face at the same time. BOOTH: So this fish s*ab him in the eye? BRENNAN: That is consistent with the wounds, yes. BOOTH: This the only lionfish you have here? MARILYN: That's it. Pterois antennata. I call him Bob. BOOTH: Bob. (Booth laughs at that.) BRENNAN: Bob is our m*rder w*apon. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab. Cam, Angela, Brennan and Clark are in one of the halls, standing around a fish t*nk.) BRENNAN: The victim and the k*ller gained access to the back area of the aquarium before the door was locked. Jazz saw the lionfish in quarantine. (tapping the fish t*nk) This represents the quarantine t*nk. Clark. (Clark goes next to Brennan) Jazz was all about facing his fears. He saw one of the world's most venomous fish and was taking a look at it from above the surface of the water, when someone forcibly pushed (she pushes Clarks head into the t*nk) his head down into the t*nk, causing a cleft fracture of the styloid process. (she lets him up) CLARK: We used to do that in junior high, but we used a toilet. ANGELA: This man died of a lionfish swirly? CLARK: Yeah. Now several of the venomous spines penetrated the eye area. A few broke and remained embedded. Now with the victim disoriented and possibly unconscious, it was very easy to drag him off to the big t*nk nearby. CAM: Unconscious underwater, he was d*ad with his first breath. And those fish tore him apart. That's where this poor nut case's theory actually holds true: eat or be eaten. (Cut to: Booth's Car - Day. Booth and Brennan are driving.) BOOTH: Jazz g*n flew to Brazil every six months. He had his surgery at a special clinic in a small town called Itamarca. BRENNAN: That would be consistent with the maintenance injections required semiannually. Although Itamarca, Brazil is a long way to go to get them. BOOTH: Well, you know, he's got to keep up the front. Tell everyone he's going for another swim in the sea, right? But guess who else paid a visit to Itamarca this year? (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Interrogation Room. Booth and Brennan are interrogating Grace Redmon) BOOTH: So Brazil's a pretty expensive vacation for a schoolteacher. GRACE: I love to travel. BOOTH: To the very same beach where Jazz g*n claimed to have been healed by the sea? BRENNAN: How many of his seminars did you attend? (Grace says nothing.) The FBI will find out. BOOTH: You said you didn't know who Jazz g*n was. GRACE: I went to nine of his seminars. I have fibromyalgia and that bastard convinced me that if I just faced my fears, that magically all of this pain would just disappear. He lied. BOOTH: So you brought a group of fourth graders along as an alibi for m*rder? GRACE: No, it was a coincidence. He took me back to see this poisonous fish. "Come face your fears," he said. Last thing he should have said to me right then. I'll tell you what, though. He might have been on to something, that bastard. Because ever since I shoved his lying face into that poisonous fish, I haven't felt any pain. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters. Booth and Brennan are walking toward the elevator) BRENNAN: I'm going to have coffee with Andrew. BOOTH: Alright. Have a good time. BRENNAN: Thank you. BOOTH: I'm going to see someone too. BRENNAN: Dr. Catherine Bryar. BOOTH: The case is closed. BRENNAN: She's very nice. The two of you seem compatible. BOOTH: Maybe, we'll see. BRENNAN: She's easily as pretty as I am. I mean, using me as a standard. BOOTH: Bones, you are the standard. BRENNAN: Andrew is not as handsome as you - using you as a standard. He is, however, taller. Catherine isn't as smart as I am. BOOTH: I'm not as smart as Hacker. BRENNAN: But you once said he was a doofus. BOOTH: He is a doofus; a smart doofus. BRENNAN: (heading into the elevator) Well, I hope you have a good time together. BOOTH: Yeah, you too. BRENNAN: Thanks. (They smile at each other and the door closes. Booth heads back toward the office.) (Cut to: Street - Day. Brennan is crossing the street to meet Andrew at the Royal Diner. Andrew is seated, inside, waiting for her.) BRENNAN: I'm not late, am I? HACKER: Nope. BRENNAN: We were catching a m*rder. HACKER: I heard. Catching a m*rder is the best excuse for being late I've ever heard. BRENNAN: You - you said I wasn't late. HACKER: I was putting you at ease. It's one of my strengths. That and I can write long hand, perfectly, in the dark. (Brennan laughs. He leans across the table and kisses her on the cheek. They both sit.) HACKER: Congratulations on solving the m*rder. BRENNAN: Yes. Now Booth can have sex with Dr. Bryar. Because she was involved with the investigation and the FBI does not allow socialization with suspects or consultants and for a while, she was both. (having a realization) Oh, my god. Andrew, are you allowed to see me socially? HACKER: Absolutely. I got clearance. BRENNAN: From whom? HACKER: From myself. (Brennan laughs) In fact, I not only granted permission, I insisted that I see you socially. BRENNAN: That's funny because you're satirizing bureaucratic rules by adhering to the letter of the regulations instead of the spirit of it. (They both laugh) HACKER: You've got a great laugh. You do. It's a Rat Pack laugh. BRENNAN: I- I don't know what that means. HACKER: You don't know about the Rat Pack? (she shakes her head, no) That's awesome. BRENNAN: I - I - why? The Rat Pack does not sound like a good thing. HACKER: Because you will not be able to resist the man who showed you that the Rat Pack is a good thing. BRENNAN: (beaming) Okay. (Cut to: Aquarium of the Atlantic. Booth is standing in front of a large t*nk with Catherine.) CATHERINE: Tell me the truth. Did you think, even for a second, that I might be the m*rder. BOOTH: No. I may not know who did commit the m*rder, but I definitely know who didn't. Yeah, yeah. I know. You're a scientist, so that whole intuition thing is just a load of crap, right? CATHERINE: I have an intuition about you. BOOTH: (smiling) Really. CATHERINE: Mhm. (he laughs) It tells me that you could use some company. BOOTH: Oh. I could use some company. Really? CATHERINE: I make you laugh. You make me laugh. BOOTH: You're gonna make me laugh. CATHERINE: Do you think these diamond earrings are real? BOOTH: I don't know. CATHERINE: I could tell that they were real the minute my ex gave them to me. BOOTH: How so? CATHERINE: Because no one would buy fake diamonds this small. (Booth laughs.) So, give me a call if you want to have dinner sometime. (Catherine starts to walk away) BOOTH: Hey, Catherine. (she stops and turns toward him) Wanna have dinner sometime? CATHERINE: Sure. (She leaves and Booth smiles) (Cut to: Founding Fathers - Night. Booth and Brennan are having drinks.) BRENNAN: Angela and Hodgins find the fish t*nk to be very romantic. BOOTH: Mystery of the deep. The great unknown. BRENNAN: It's a body of enclosed water filled with aquatic, ectothermic vertebrates. Not unknown at all but pretty. Maybe that's what they like. BOOTH: Yeah. That's probably what it is. I bet that's what it is. So, your date. Um, how was that? BRENNAN: Oh, quite enjoyable. Andrew is charming and very funny. BOOTH: I can see; you're still smiling. BRENNAN: What about you and Catherine? Did you have a good time? BOOTH: Yeah. Yeah. We laughed. A lot. It felt good. I'm gonna see her again. BRENNAN: Excellent. You deserve a good woman, Booth. BOOTH: So do you, Bones. I mean, not a women but you know what I meant. BRENNAN: I know. So, um, what did you laugh about? BOOTH: Just...something about her earrings. BRENNAN: She wore amusing earrings. BOOTH: No. She said that they were a gift and she knew they were real because no one would buy fake diamonds that small. BRENNAN: They might - if they were on a tight budget. BOOTH: Oh, no, no. It's um - it doesn't matter. You had to be there. BRENNAN: Andrew is going to introduce me to a rat pack. He was very excited about it. They must be extraordinary rodents. BOOTH: Yeah. Talented too. BRENNAN: Do you know them? BOOTH: mmhm. (They continue to talk and drink their beers as the scene fades to black) END.

{"type": "series", "show": "Bones", "episode": "05x18 - The Predator in the Pool"}

foreverdreaming

THE ROCKER IN THE RINSE CYCLE (Open: Hotel - Laundry Area. There are gigantic washing machines and dryers all around. Workers are doing laundry. A man is walking around the floor with a woman.) HOTEL MANAGER: They put me in charge of all of this. I'm like one of those big sh*ts on Wall Street only I deal with laundry, instead of money. WOMAN: Wow. HOTEL MANAGER: Not many people know it, but this is the nerve center of the entire hotel. WOMAN: Well, I would have thought it would be room service. HOTEL MANAGER: No way! Proper washing, at this volume, depends on water quality, bleach concentration, time and of course agitation and heat. WOMAN: Agitation and heat, yeah, I definitely got that. We're gonna be late for dinner. HOTEL MANAGER: I'll push our reservations. Check this baby out. (They stop in front of a large washing machine) Energy plus. That means, not am I only washing away the filth and the fluids that people get on your hotel sheets; I'm also the front line on the fight against global warming. (She hears a noise) WOMAN: What was that? HOTEL MANAGER: Foreign object in the wash barrel. It happens. WOMAN: It looks gooey. Won't it gum up your machine? HOTEL MANAGER: Whatever it is, this baby can handle it. (The woman leans in closer and sees a human skull and screams) (Cut to: Hotel - Laundry Area. Hours later. Booth and Brennan arrive and are going to meet Cam at the washing machine.) BOOTH: So, the only way the body could have gotten down here is if someone threw it down the laundry sh**t. BRENNAN: That would seem to suggest homicide. BOOTH: Yes it would. (Booth rubs his hand down his tie - Brennan notices.) BRENNAN: Is that a new tie? BOOTH: Yeah, yeah. Yes, it is. You like it? BRENNAN: Well, I'm not sure why you'd want to wear frolicking cetaceans around your neck. BOOTH: Well, 'cause Catherine got it for me. Look, they're dolphins! BRENNAN: The marine biologist? BOOTH: Yeah. Yeah, it was a present. BRENNAN: Interesting. BOOTH: Wh-what do you mean, "Interesting"? (They arrive at the washer) CAM: Check this out. Good luck on the I.D. Too bad they didn't do it on the delicate cycle, huh? BRENNAN: Well, obviously the manufacturers didn't anticipate human remains. BOOTH: Well, according to the laundry guy, the body could have been sitting in a pile of dirty sheets for 2 days before it got thrown into the wash. CAM: Well, the heat in here would have sped up decomp. (She exhales) Look out, I'm going in. (Cam climbs into the washer as Brennan starts to examine the skeleton.) BRENNAN: Judging by the concavity of the rib end, the victim was middle age. Dismemberment occurred post-mortem; most likely during the spin cycle. BOOTH: Hey, what's so interesting about my tie. BRENNAN: Well, a gift is a social contract - a basic anthropological construct. By giving you a tie, Catherine has entered into a social contract with you. BOOTH: Really? (Brennan nods.) CAM: Fabric softeners permeated the soft tissue. Everything's swollen. Speaking of social contracts, do you like your gynecologist? BRENNAN: She's extremely competent, yes, but I don't think she's accepting new patients. I thought you were happy with Dr. Oxenburg? BOOTH: Alright, can you two just save the lady part discussion for when I'm not here? CAM: Dr. Oxenburg moved to California and I am looking for a doctor for Michelle. She's at that age, ya know? BOOTH: No. No, no. No. We're not going to be discussing your daughter's sex life. Because A, she's a good girl; she doesn't have sex and B, you're touching a d*ad body. BRENNAN: I don't follow your logic. CAM: I'm always touching a d*ad body, Seeley. If I let that be a variant of conversation, I wouldn't- (She's cut off by some of the remains falling from the washer and hitting her arm and rolls over and stops in front of Booth.) BOOTH: Oh, oh, ho. Okay. Can someone just please remove the eyeball. CAM: (walking over) Ooh. This is not an eyeball. (she picks it up and holds it out in front of her) BOOTH: What is it? CAM: I'll put it this way, our victim was male. BRENNAN: (smiling) Would you rather us go back to talking about lady parts? [OPENING CREDITS] (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform. Brennan, Arastoo and Hodgins are examining the skeleton) BRENNAN: The skeleton appears to have suffered a great deal of damage in the washer. HODGINS: Well, that wins the understatement award for today. BRENNAN: It's going to be very difficult to find cause of death. HODGINS: Well, if the 3lbs of muck I got here in the catch is any indication, then that washing machine must have been a beast. ARASTOO: Dr. Brennan, I found something. Right here, the junction of the maxilla and palatine. HODGINS: b*llet wound? He was sh*t? ARASTOO: It was a result of surgery, not a g*n. Most likely from oral cancer. BRENNAN: There's also bone degeneration on the mandible. Our victim was probably a cigar smoker. Anything else? HODGINS: Condom! Unused. Never mind. ARASTOO: I also found a number of fully remodeled fractures. Here's one on the right hamate bone. BRENNAN: It's approximately 3 years old. ARASTOO: An injury like this is mostly typical for professional baseball players. The great Tony Peña suffered a similar fracture.. HODGINS: 0 for 11 as a utility infielder before being traded to the Royals. ARASTOO: To the White Sox, after a successful surgery to repair his hamate. HODGINS: Oh, and are all American Muslim drives in a run! Nice one, Arastoo! ARASTOO: Thank you. (Brennan clears her throat as a hint to get back to work.) ARASTOO: Uh, I through our victim played baseball but then I saw this. A number of mostly repaired impression fractures in the tibia and tarsus. BRENNAN: An injury pattern most commonly sustained by rock climbers. And these fractures occurred about a year after the hamate fracture. ARASTOO: And here's where I go for the triple because...another remodeled fracture. About a year old and to the hyoid. BRENNAN: With an accompanying micro-fracture on the parietal, almost certainly indicating our victim was involved in a high speed collison while wearing a helmet. What does this mean? HODGINS: Rock climbing, baseball playing, crash test dummy? (Cam enters.) CAM: Is there a testicle up here? HODGINS: Four that I know of... BRENNAN: I thought you located them at the scene? CAM: Just the one that scared Booth. I've cataloged the loose tissue and all the victims organs and glands are accounted for but the other testicle seems to have vanished. BRENNAN: Well, it's not here but it does appear our victim was in the habit of injuring himself, annually, in a variety of risky behaviors. CAM: So the guy with one gonad actually had balls. (Hodgins starts laughing, Brennan doesn't laugh) CAM: Well, if you'll excuse me, I've got an appointment. (Cut to: Royal Diner. Booth, Brennan and Sweets are seated at the counter.) BOOTH: So you're telling me I should be looking for a cigar smoking, thrill seeker missing one of the family jewels. BRENNAN: That's correct. SWEETS: You know, stereotypical male behavior, such as cigar smoking and risk taking, could be a form of overcompensation for a man who was born with only one testicle. I could write up a profile. BRENNAN: There's no reason too, Sweets. born without one. He could just have easily of lost it in one of his dangerous pursuits. If a testicle is severely twisted or degloved, it almost always necessitates removal. In the case of penetrating trauma.. BOOTH: No. No. Just- do you think we can go 20 minutes on this case without talking about testicles? SWEETS: Please. BRENNAN: Okay. (she pauses) Booth has made a social contract with the marine biologist. SWEETS: Sorry? BOOTH: (laughing) It's amazing - you go from injured testicles to the woman I'm dating. And you? You're supposed to say "That's interesting." in a very annoying way. BRENNAN: It was a logical transition. SWEETS: But it is very interesting. BRENNAN: Booth and I are friends. Catherine is an intelligent, attractive woman and I'm intrigued by their developing relationship. BOOTH: That's nice...I think. SWEETS: Yeah. I think it is nice. BOOTH: Thank you, Bones. SWEETS: Wow. You two seem to be handling dating very well. I'm impressed. BRENNAN: Well, you've known me for 2 years, Sweets. You should expect to be impressed by me. (Cut to: The Medical Plaza. Dr. Paul Lidner's Office. Cam is sitting with a file folder on her lap.) CAM: You were board certified in '99? DR. LIDNER: That is correct. CAM: And you did a fellowship at Vanderbilt in - DR. LIDNER: Reproductive Endocrinology. Boy, you really did your research. CAM: You were recommended by Dr. Oxenburg but I wanted to make sure this is the right fit. DR. LIDNER: Oh, yeah. Oh, of course. CAM: Do you consider yourself easy to talk to? Especially about delicate topics - like, someone's first time having sex. DR. LIDNER: Um, their first time with a new partner? CAM: No. No. Their first time. Like in losing virginity. DR. LIDNER: Oh. Well, uh, yes. Of course. I-I'd be, uh, very sensitive with that topic. Um, especially if the delay in sexual maturity was due to some sort of trauma or negative conditioning. CAM: Trauma? Oh, my god. Why would you bring up trauma. DR. LIDNER: Well, when an adult woman, such as yourself, forgoes sexual activity, there are often deeper issues at play. (Cam starts to laugh) What? CAM: There's been a misunderstanding here. I'm looking for a gynecologist for my daughter, who's 16. DR. LIDNER: Oh, great. I mean, yeah. That just makes more sense. Um, I deal with a lot of teenagers and uh, they feel very comfortable with me because they know they're free to speak about anything and it will remain confidential. CAM: Excellent. Well, obviously, you're respectful and highly qualified. I think this will work. DR. LIDNER: I'm glad. You and your husband can feel confident that I will treat your daughter with the utmost care and consideration. CAM: (reaching out her hand) Thank you. (she turns to leave, but then turns back) Acutally, I uh, don't have a husband. Michelle's my adoptive daughter. DR. LIDNER: Oh, I see. CAM: So, thank you, Dr. Lidner. DR. LIDNER: Uh, Paul. Please. Just call me Paul. CAM: Paul. (She nods and leaves.) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Ookay Room. Cam enters) CAM: You have something for me? HODGINS: Yup. The fingernails. CAM: I don't think they're gonna help with the I.D. HODGINS: I also have clothing remnants, mostly denim. A chain, also mostly likely part of the victims apparel. Some pieces of molded silicone elastomer.. CAM: (picking up the petri dish) The missing testicle. HODGINS: Oh, god. CAM: It's a prosthetic one. They're made of a silicone shell and filled with saline. Now, obviously, this has suffered a lot of damage in the wash, but if we can get a serial number off this? We can get an I.D. (Hodgins makes a face. He is not thrilled about the fake testicle) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. Angela has the silicone pieces on the big screen.) ANGELA: Okay. I photographed each piece of the silicone elastomer and I used the photos to reassemble a virtual prosthetic. CAM: Well, the serial numbers were pretty warn from the washing machine. ANGELA: Yeah. Well, hopefully by looking at the image under different color filters we can at least get some of the digits. You know, I have to say. This whole "finding I.D. by testicle" definitely beats facial reconstructions. CAM: Does that prosthetic seem overly large to you? ANGELA: Well, it isn't' to scale, Cam. CAM: Guess it's been a while. ANGELA: Okay, I got the serial number for you. CAM: I'll get it to Booth. (Cam leaves) ANGELA: (looking at the screen) It's pretty big. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Booth's Office. Booth and Brennan are looking at a folder.) BOOTH: Richard Cole. 42. Single. Commercial Real Estate Developer. Left his entire fortune to the American Cancer Society. So that rules out, uh, financial motive. BRENNAN: Researchers can be ruthless. BOOTH: Yeah. Look at this. This article a cigar connoisseur. BRENNAN: He had oral cancer, he shouldn't have smoked. BOOTH: That is not his biggest problem right now. He talks about going to fantasy camps every year for his birthday. BRENNAN: Fantasy camps? BOOTH: They're expensive camps where grown-ups get to pretend to be, you know, race car drivers, uh, professional ball players - pretty much anything. BRENNAN: That would explain the yearly injuries. You could easily crush a testicle at a rodeo camp. BOOTH: Look what's going on this week at the hotel. God, I wish I had enough money for this one. BRENNAN: Why? What is it? (Booth plays a video) SIMON GRAHAM: (online) Did you ever dream about jamming with your favorite musical heros or playing gigs in front of throgs of screaming fans? Well, please join us at the one and only fantasy camp created by legendary music manager and promoter - me. Simon Graham. BRENNAN: Music camp. BOOTH: That's not music. That's Rock 'n Roll, Baby. Yeah! (Cut to: Hotel - Hallway.) BOOTH: According to Cole's lawyer, he was trying to buy a property that Simon Graham didn't want him to have. BRENNAN: You think Graham m*rder Cole to safeguard some property? BOOTH: It's possible. Don't say that Cole is d*ad. I don't want anybody panicking or trying to flee the scene. BRENNAN: I was a very big fan of Toad the Wet Sprocket. BOOTH: You might want to keep that to yourself, alright. Now, don't get overwhelmed. It's going to be very loud in here and.. (They enter the room to find people waiting on line.) GUY: So, are you going to the seminar on string height? GIRL: I have a class on tone control then. GUY: Oh, that's great. BOOTH: They're all in line. They're not even pushing. This is not my rock and roll fantasy. (Cut to: BOOTH: No, no. This can't be right. Rock and roll is not about seminars. Come on, people. Does anyone remember Laughter? GINO: Hey, I remember. Zeppelin, man! CAMPER #1: Dude, you could lose the tie around here. BRENNAN: Well, he-he likes it. It's a gift from a woman. BOOTH: (holding up his badge) FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth. (to Brennan) Hacker get you anything? BRENNA: A subscription to Lapham's Quarterly. BOOTH: Sexy. GINO: Can I help you guys with something 'cause I really don't want to be late for class. I paid a fortune to be at this camp. BOOTH: Yeah, We're looking for Simon Graham. BEBE: I think he's near the stage. Walk this way. BOOTH: Aerosmith. GINO: Hey! You know you're music. This is Bebe. I'm Gino. CAMPER #1: Is something wrong? BRENNAN: It's about one of your camp mates. Richard Cole. BEBE: Cole? He hasn't been around for a couple of days. GINO: He probably got tired of fighting with Simon. SIMON GRAHAM (onstage) Boys and girls, Erik Dalton! GINO: Simon's in there. Erik Dalton is starting his workshop. BOOTH: What? Erik Dalton is here? (Erik starts playing his guitar. Booth starts heading to the stage. ) Bones! This is more like it! BRENNAN: (following him) Booth... BOOTH: Just gimme a minute, huh? BRENNAN: Booth. Booth. (Booth starts to jump around and play air guitar) BOOTH: Yeah! BRENNAN: (shouting over the noise) Shouldn't we try to talk to Simon? (Booth continues to play air guitar, ignoring her.) BRENNAN: Booth! (Brennan's had enough. She goes up to the stage and unplugs the guitar from the amp.) BOOTH: Whoa, whoa. ERIK DALTON: Who unplugged me?! No one unplugs me! BOOTH: (to Brennan) He's right. No one unplugs Erik Dalton. BRENNAN: Well, apparently, I do. It was the only way to get your attention. ERIK: Get her out of here, Simon. BRENNAN: (to Erik) You're- you're yelling unnecessarily, probably due to hearing loss from the music you play. SIMON: What do you think you're doing? BOOTH: Okay, uh, listen. Simon Graham, (Booth holds up his badge) FBI. We just have to ask you a few questions about Richard Cole. SIMON: Richard Cole? What the hell is this? I'm running a business here. BOOTH: I understand. It's not gonna take long. (to Erik - plugging his guitar back into the amp) Dude, I'm sorry. (Erik starts playing again - Booth holds up his finger to Simon and signals "one minute". He'll talk to him after he's done.) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office.) ARASTOO: I've identified 83 injuries to the skeleton that occurred either at the time of death or in the washing machine. I can't tell which. HODGINS: So, no cause of death. ARASTOO: Not without evidence from hemorrhagic staining and these remains went through a wash cycle with industrial strength bleach. I was pitching a no hitter and now I can't find the plate. HODGINS: This baseball thing? You allowed to play? ARASTOO: No. The Qur'an strictly forbids baseball. lacrosse, of course, and board games with hungry hippos. HODGINS: That's a yes, with an additional comment on my ignorance. ARASTOO: I was a state All-Star in high school. I even got scouted by a couple of farm teams HODGINS: No way. ARASTOO: Yeah. I still play on the weekends. My mosque is in a league. We play against churches and synagogues. HODGINS: Wow. ARASTOO: You should join us sometime. HODGINS: Oh, come on. I can't be on an all-Muslim team. I'm a lapsed Episcopalian. ARASTOO: No, every team has a few ringers. The Jews have a Unitarian batting 400. HODGINS: Really? Huh. Never tried to b*at the infidels before. ARASTOO: As long as you find something in your washer goop that helps me determine cause of death, you can play short stop. HODGINS: You're on. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters. Sweets meets Booth as he's getting off the elevator) SWEETS: Hey, is it true that Simon Graham's here? BOOTH: Yeah. He's in the conference room. SWEETS: Okay. I can provide a valuable insight, Agent Booth. The man practically invented a rock sub-culture. You need me. BOOTH: You just want to meet him. SWEETS: There's a little of that, yes, but I'll be professional. You know I'm a good profiler. BOOTH: Okay. Professional. SWEETS: Yes. Sure. Okay. Do you know how many seminal rock concert tours he's managed? BOOTH: The guy's a god but may be a m*rder god. So, use your ears, not your mouth. Just listen. You understand? SWEETS: Yeah. (Cut to: FBI Headquaters - Conference Room.) SIMON: My camp is for people who love music. Not wannabes in designer jeans and fancy guitars they never touch. BOOTH: You describing Richard Cole? SIMON: Well, yeah, he's the idiot that wanted me to turn him into Jimmy Page when the only guitar that he ever played came from a video game, I mean SWEETS: That would offend you. That's a personal affront as someone who's dedicated their life to nurturing real musicians. SIMON: Well, shouldn't it? BOOTH: What can you tell me about The Stock Yard. SWEETS: Oh, it's a famous rock club in downtown Baltimore. All the greats used to play there. Mr. Graham used to run it in the 80's. You weren't asking me. Sorry. BOOTH: Once Cole's deal went through, he was gonna tear it down, wasn't he? SWEETS: That's why you and Cole were fighting, right? SIMON: Yeah, we settled that though. BOOTH: What are you talking about? SIMON: Well, Cole said that he'd leave the club alone if I let him do one song with Erik Dalton at the end of camp night. SWEETS: Erik Dalton was one of your guests? Erik Dalton's one of your guest stars? BOOTH: He blackmailed you. So did you agree to let Cole play with Dalton? SIMON: Well, yeah. This is The Stock Yard we're talking about. BOOTH: How did Dalton feel about that? SIMON: How do you think he'd feel? Listen, guys, do you mind if I go back to work? BOOTH: Sure. SWEETS: Yeah. One-one quick question. Bar fight: who wins? Prince and the New Power Generation or Korn. SIMON: (standing) Never mess with Prince. (He leaves.) SWEETS: (to Booth) Never mess with Prince. (He exhales and raises his hand as to say - slow down there, kiddo) (Cut to: Royal Diner. Michelle and Cam are at the counter eating lunch.) CAM: Honestly, I think you'll like Dr. Lidner and you should have someone else to talk to..especially if there's anything - anything you prefer I didn't know about. MICHELLE: I told you, Perry and I are not having sex. CAM: I know and I believe you but you're growing up and your body - it's a woman's body now, not a child's and you should treat it like a woman and I'm gonna stop talking now. MICHELLE: It's no big deal, Cam. It's just a doctor. CAM: I know, it just means your growing up, for real. MICHELLE: And you don't quite know how to handle that. CAM: What? No...yeah, kinda but I will, we will, right? I mean, you don't know how to handle me, either. Do you? Because that would be embarrassing. MICHELLE: We're fine, Cam. CAM: Because you and Perry aren't having sex, right? Okay, okay. Fry? (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Bone Room. Arastoo is still looking over the skeleton when Hodgins and Angela enter.) HODGINS: How's it going? ARASTOO: Dr. Brennan's waiting for cause of death. At this rate, I'm gonna be John Gochnaur. ANGELA: Okay, boys, I'll bite. Who is John Gochnaur? ARASTOO: Worst Major League Baseball player ever. HODGINS: Cleveland Indians. 187 batting average. Zero home runs and 146 errors. ANGELA: Well, is that bad? HODGINS: Yeah. It's incomprehensibly bad. (handing a tray to Asastoo.) Here, this might help. If found it in the washing machine cache. ARASTOO: What is it? HODGINS: Well, it's bone, so that's your department. ARASTOO: (looks into the microscope) Cross-hatching. May be bone, but it isn't human. HODGINS: What is it? ARASTOO: It can't be... HODGINS: What can't it be. ARASTOO: It's a piece of bone - tusk, actually - from a Wooly Mammoth HODGINS: There was a prehistoric elephant in the washer with him? What are you, nuts? ARASTOO: No. It has schreger lines on the grain - it's a Wooly Mammoth but no help to me. ANGELA: I wouldn't be so sure about that. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. Angela is showing Brennan, Hodgins and Arastoo something on the big screen) ANGELA: See how this top edge curves? Now, if the curved continued - and then down here, before it got worn away in the washer - there was a point.. BRENNAN: A guitar pick. ANGELA: Exactly. BRENNAN: Wait. Why would someone want a guitar pick made of extinct prehistoric mammal. ANGELA: Well, according to my dad, guitarists have this thing about their picks: different materials make different sounds. HODGINS: Brian May uses and English penny. ANGELA: My dad uses a Nicaraguan Cordoba. Some guys use tortoise shells or uh, a sharks tooth. BRENNAN: Do you know of any famous guitarist who use Wooly Mammoth picks? ANGELA: Erik Dalton. ARASTOO: Mr. Dalton's pick winded up in the washing machine with a d*ad body. That poses some serious questions, don't you think? BRENNAN: Yes, I do. ANGELA: And Dalton isn't exactly for keeping his cool. Check out this video from a concert in Australia, two years ago. (She plays the video. Dalton is onstage, playing when a fan jumps on stage and knocks him over. He gets up, punches the guy in the face, throws his guitar on the floor and starts to take more swings at the guy until security comes and breaks up the fight) HODGINS: This guy has got a seriously short fuse. (Cut to: Hotel - Erik Dalton's Room. Booth and Brennan are there to talk to him. He's sitting down, strumming an acoustic guitar.) BOOTH: So Richard Cole stopped showing up for his private rehearsals with you and you don't notice? ERIK DALTON: Are you kidding me? I was thrilled. I was sick of kissing that guys ass (to Brennan) Hey, what are ya doing, baby? Can I help you with something? BRENNAN: You have no expertise that would be of value to me. ERIK: I wouldn't be so sure. Why don't you come sit next to me. BOOTH: Excuse me, I really like your music, doesn't mean I'm not gonna clock ya, alright? Let's just focus. So, Simon Graham - he pays you a boatload of money and you still treat the campers like crap? ERIK: Guys a poser, dude. I got stuck with an ass-hat who couldn't even play rhythm for Toad the Wet Sprocket. BRENNAN: Oh, I love them. ERIK: Hmm. Suddenly, the inside of my pants isn't such a happy place. BRENNAN: Personally, I find your music discordant and irritating - rather reminiscent of Muruwari death wailing in its capacity to annoy. BOOTH: So maybe Cole pisses you off. Throw a little coke into the mix. You lose control - I mean, it's not like it hasn't happened before. ERIK: Hey, man. I've been clean for two years. I even do yoga - and that hurts. BRENNAN: Booth? BOOTH: Yeah? BRENNAN: This splintering is fresh. Something h*t the side of this table quite hard and there are scuff marks on the wall beside it that could indicate a struggle. BOOTH: Did you have a fight in this room? ERIK: A party. I had some campers over Tuesday night- gives them a story to tell their friends. (Brennan examines the carpet with a UV light. There are blood stains.) BRENNAN: There's blood on the carpet. ERIK: Ah, I don't know anything about that. When things got wild, I left. Caught a cab across town, spent some quality time with a girlfriend. BOOTH: Well, I'm gonna need that girlfriends name and number. BRENNAN: And I'm gonna need this carpet. ERIK: Sure. (Cut to: The Medical Plaza - Waiting Room. Michelle comes out of a door and meets up with Cam.) CAM: Hey, how did it go? MICHELLE: Fine. You really didn't need to come with me. CAM: I just wanted to make sure you were comfortable. MICHELLE: Sure. He's cool. Easy to talk to. CAM: Good. That's excellent. DR. LIDNER: Uh, excuse me, Dr. Saroyan. Um, do you have a minute? A couple of insurance questions is all. CAM: Sure. Be back in a minute. (Cut to: The Medical Center - Dr. Lidner's Office.) CAM: Is there a problem with Michelle? DR. LIDNER: Oh, no, no, no, no. She's-she's great. In perfect health. CAM: And she spoke to you..about things. DR. LIDNER: Confidential things. Yeah. I can tell you she's a wonderful girl. But that's not why I wanted to talk to you. CAM: Right. Insurance. DR. LIDNER: Uh, not about insurance, either, no. CAM: Now I'm stumped. DR. LIDNER: Um, I just thought - Would it be weird if I asked you to, uh, go out with me sometime? CAM: Ye-Yes, that-that, um...would be weird. DR. LIDNER: Of course. Uh, very weird. CAM: Yeah, right? It-it is weird. DR. LIDNER: Totally. Totally weird. CAM: But, um, I would say yes. DR. LIDNER: Really? (Cam nods) That's... great. CAM: Does that mean you're asking? (Cam's phone rings) Oh. I'm sorry. Excuse me. (she checks her phone) Work. I've got to go. DR. LIDNER: Oh, I-I am, though. CAM: What? DR. LIDNER: Asking. I'll call you? CAM: I would like that. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - ANgela's Office. Arastoo is showing Brennan and Angela micro-fractures.) ARASTOO: So we know that the micro-fractures radiate out of each trauma site. These micro-fractures expand until they run into other radiating fractures, which were created by earlier trauma wounds. ANGELA: Now, the trick is to separate out those points of trauma where the radiating micro-fractures just keep going because there were no earlier fractures to cross paths with. ARASTOO: In this way, we can identify the perimortem fractures, and therefore, determine that cause of death was trauma to the skull and chest cavity. BRENNAN: Cole was beaten to death. Excellent work. ARASTOO: Thank you. And Angela, of course. Double play, right? (They high five.) ANGELA: Yeah. BRENANN: I assume you were talking about baseball again, although I have no idea why. ANGELA: Well, it's baseball season, sweetie. This is when boys like to h*t balls with sticks when the snow melts. I don't know why. BRENNAN: Oh. Well, what about the m*rder w*apon? ARASTOO: I'm going to make castings of the pertinent injuries. ANGELA: I'm making him 3- D scans so he can focus on all the un-remodeled fractures. BRENNAN: Sweets would probably say that the need to h*t balls with a large stick shows that you're insecure with your manhood. ARASTOO: I can assure you... BRENNAN: I think it's probably just enjoyable to h*t things. (Brennan leaves. Angela laughs.) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Cam's Office. Cam is talking to Brennan.) CAM: Erik Dalton's hotel room's a good bet for the m*rder scene. We found two sets of DNA. BRENNAN: So, two people bled on this carpet? CAM: Yes. The first set of DNA belonged to our victim. BRENNAN: Perhaps the second set belongs to our k*ller. CAM: I found traces of Klonopin in the mystery blood, which means, whoever it belongs to either has a panic disorder or epilepsy. BRENNAN: We should cross-reference the list of campers with the prescription drug database. (Brennan starts to walk towards the door but then turns back to Cam.) BRENNAN: Booth seems to like Catherine, don't you think? CAM: I do. I'm glad. It's been a long time since he's dated anyone. BRENNAN: I know. It's important for Booth to share his life. I prefer being alone. CAM: But you're seeing Hacker. BRENNAN: Yes, and I like him, but not like Booth. I mean not like Booth wants to like someone. CAM: All organisms evolve and develop along patterns only recognized in retrospect. Your life doesn't exist outside the laws of nature. BRENNAN: Then, in ignorance, I await my own surprise. Although the odds of it involving a commitment to another person are remote. CAM: I never thought I'd be dating now; yet I am. BRENNAN: You met someone. CAM: I think so. We're going to have lunch. BRENNAN: It's been quite a while for you. CAM: And thanks for pointing that out. (Brennan's receives a text message.) BRENNAN: Oh, Booth wants me to meet him at the hotel. CAM: Go. I'll call you if I get a h*t on the Klonopin. (Cut to: Hotel - Stage Area. Students are practicing while Simon is giving some of them instructions.) SIMON: (O.S.) All right, now reverse on the chords. (Brennan enters the stage area. Booth is sitting on the Amp pretending to drum, his tie is now around his head, while the students are playing around him.) BRENNAN: Booth? Booth, I'm not sure this is a worthwhile use of our time. BOOTH: Why? We're still waiting for an I.D. on the blood, right? I mean, Come on. We've got a few minutes to spare. BRENNAN: This is pathetic, Booth, pretending to be something you're not. It's dilettante camp. BOOTH: Okay, listen. What if this was, like, anthropology fantasy camp, and you got to meet...I don't know, uh, Margaret Mead? BRENNAN: She's d*ad. BOOTH: Well, who would you want to meet? BRENNAN: Me. BOOTH: You? BRENNAN: Yes, if I were an anthropology enthusiast, I'd want to go to fantasy camp to meet me. BOOTH: Ah, come on, Bones. Play along. (The musicians start to play the opening notes to "Hot Blooded" by Foreigner.) It's rock and roll fantasy camp. It's cool, right? You hear that? That is our song. Remember "Hot Blooded"? BRENNAN: The last time we sang this song, Booth, someone tried to k*ll you. BOOTH: Yeah, but it was fun up until the blast, right? Come on. (BOoth jumps on the stage and starts singing into the microphone) BOOTH: (singing) I'm hot blooded, check it and see... (he notices Brennan strapping on a guitar) Wait a second. You play the guitar? BRENNAN: Well, I play the akonting, the folk lute of the Jola tribe, but the guitar is not dissimilar. (Brennan joins him on stage and starts to stum the guitar. They both start to sing.) BOOTH & BRENNAN: (singing) Well, I'm Hot blooded. Check it and see. I've got a fever of a hundred and three. Come on, baby, you can do more than dance. I'm hot blooded, hot blooded! (Brennan rocks on the guitar solo but receives a text message so she stops and checks her phone while Booth keeps rocking out) BRENNAN: Oh. (to Booth) Cam got an I.D. the other blood found in the hotel room. Fred Keaton. He's also registered here as a camper. BOOTH: Alright. (excited) One more verse. (Brennan smiles and starts playing the guitar again, they start singing. They're having a blast) BOOTH & BRENNAN: (singing) Well, I'm Hot blooded. Check it and see. I've got a fever of a hundred and three. Come on, baby, you can do more than dance. Hot blooded, hot blooded! BOOTH: Woo! (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Interrogation Room. Booth is talking with Fred Keaton.) FRED KEATON: I didn't do anything. BOOTH: You took off from fantasy camp. You disappear and you end up hiding out in some cheap motel? FRED KEATON: I wasn't hiding. BRENNAN: We know you and Richard Cole had a fight in Erik Dalton's hotel room. Your blood is on the carpet with his. FRED KEATON: He had it coming, okay? BOOTH: Well, what was the fight about? FRED KEATON: I told him I was still hoping to be discovered. I know it's ridiculous, but I've spent years in my garage playing and I'm good. It could happen, right? BOOTH: Just keep going. FRED KEATON: Last Monday, we had a jam night at camp. This guy came up to me, told me he's with Rolling Stone. Told me my guitar playing is amazing; he's gonna include me in an article called "The 100 Best Guitarists You've Never Heard Of. " BRENNAN: Oh, that sounds like a good thing. BOOTH: Sounds too good, I'm guessing. FRED KEATON: Then these girls come up, told me I'm going to be a star. Asked if they could keep me company for a few hours. BRENNAN: What-what for? BOOTH: Sex, Bones. BRENNAN; Oh. Quite a lucky night for you. BOOTH: It was a prank. See, he was messing with you, wasn't he? FRED KEATON: How was I supposed to know? I called my wife, told her I wanted to take a break. Then at Erik Dalton's party, Cole starts laughing. Tells me the journalist was an actor. And the groupies were... BOOTH: Professionals. FRED KEATON: Rich bastard ruined my life. BRENNAN: Excellent motive for m*rder. FRED KEATON: What are you talking about? BOOTH: Richard Cole is d*ad and I'm thinking you k*lled him and took off. FRED KEATON: No. I left to do damage control. My wife won't even let me in the front door. She wouldn't even talk to me. Look, I have no idea who k*lled Cole but what he did to me, he deserved it. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. Brennan, Angela, Hodgins and Arastoo are looking at the big screen.) ARASTOO: Angela scanned the castings I made of the fatal injuries so we can get a better sense of the m*rder w*apon. ANGELA: Yeah and I cleaned up the edges and these are the shapes that caused the injuries. HODGINS: Cam said the blood spatter analysis didn't show any drag marks on the carpet from Dalton's hotel room. ANGELA: Hmm. Which means that Cole wasn't k*lled there. BRENNAN: No two of the injuries share the same impact surface area. ARASTOO: I know. So it appears the guy was h*t with various w*apon that were each used once. BRENNAN: Or he was h*t multiple times by a w*apon with a variety of surface shapes. ANGELA: Well, you know, this could be a tailpiece. BRENNAN: A what? ANGELA: And-and that could be a tremolo arm, which means that those lines are from strings. HODGINS: Wait a minute. Out victim was beaten to death with a guitar? BRENNAN: I've actually seen this before. Solid body guitars can prove quite lethal. ARASTOO: There have to be over 50 guitars at the fantasy camp. Without cause, we can't get warrants for all of them. ANGELA: Yeah, but that shape. I mean, the bottom is too curved to be a Tele or a Strat, but...it's not an SG because the tailpiece wraps around and then there's the distance to the jack plate. You know, I think we're looking for a '57 Gibson Les Paul. HODGINS: That is so hot that you know that. Interesting. It's-that's interesting. ANGELA: Well, it's not like I know every guitar, but I do know the expensive ones. BRENNAN: How expensive? ANGELA: I'd say our victim was beaten to death by about a quarter of a million dollars. (Cut to: Park. Cam and Dr. are sitting on a bench, having lunch with Dr. Paul Lidner.) CAM: And then after a perfectly nice evening, I could tell he didn't even want to shake my hand. He looked positively pained. He's a science professor. No. Associate professor. Oh. people get weird when they find out that I handle d*ad people all day. Now I just say I'm an insurance underwriter. DR. LIDNER: Oh. Good one. CAM: Mm-hmm. DR. LIDNER: I'm an accountant. CAM: No. DR. LIDNER: Oh, yeah. No one wants to talk about work with an accountant. Or an insurance underwriter. CAM: Except other accountants or underwriters. DR. LIDNER: Mm. (he laughs) CAM: So, do we share any other great deceptions? DR. LIDNER: Um... I can make a coin disappear and come out of your ear. CAM: Ooh. I hate magic. I'm sorry. DR. LIDNER: Ah. Yeah. Me too. But it always worked for my Uncle Dave. Of course he was in a nursing home. CAM: Am I smiling like a fool? 'Cause that would be embarrassing. DR. LIDNER: Ah, well, you look beautiful embarrassed. CAM: Then I'll keep smiling. DR. LIDNER: I should get back to the office. CAM: And I have a m*rder to solve. DR. LIDNER: Oh, right. CAM: Um, what do you say we catch a movie on the weekend? DR. LIDNER: Yeah. CAM: I'll see what my parental duties are and give you a call? DR. LIDNER: Sounds good. Okay. (Cam leaves) (Cut to: Royal Diner. Booth, Brennan and Sweets are having lunch.) BOOTH: Do you remember when Simon told us that Cole showed up at camp with a fancy guitar? SWEETS: Yeah, he wasn't kidding. A '57 Gibson Les Paul? BOOTH: Yeah, well, it disappeared at the same time that Cole did. SWEETS: You think he was k*lled for his guitar? BRENANN: All we know is, he was k*lled with his guitar. SWEETS: With a '57 Gibson Les Paul. That's like whacking someone with the Mona Lisa. BOOTH: I got agents checking out dealers in the area. See if anyone tried to sell it. BRENNAN: Well, unless the k*ller destroyed it. BOOTH: k*lling something like that would be like k*lling Altamont or, uh, "Smells Like Teen Spirit. " SWEETS: You know, the guitar has long been recognized as an unconscious symbol of copulation. The, uh, head and the shaft are phallic, the body feminine. Maybe our k*ller was acting out of sexual confusion. BOOTH: Or maybe someone just wanted the guitar. BRENNAN: Mm-hmm. BOOTH: Wouldn't you? SWEETS: Yeah. BOOTH: Yeah. (he gets a text) Oh, look at this; I got a h*t. Dealer in DC got the guitar; said it was brought in by a woman with a pierced eyebrow. (Cut to: Hotel - Lobby. Bebe is seated, discussing music with ) GINO: Whatever. Jimi Hendrix choked to death on his own vomit. BEBE: The autopsy was inconsistent and Hendrix's manager confessed to shoving pills and red wine down his throat, hoping to cash in on an insurance policy. BOOTH: Wow. You really know your rock and roll deaths. BEBE: Oh, hi again. Yeah, I guess I do. BRENNAN: We need you to come with us. BEBE: What for? BOOTH: We have some unanswered questions about Kurt Cobain's death. We thought maybe you could give us some insight. BEBE: Seriously?! BRENNAN: Well, I believe he was being ironic but if you do have information about this Cobain person, I'm sure the FBI would appreciate that too. BOOTH: Thanks, Bones. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Interrogation Room. Booth is talking to Bebe) BEBE: Cole is d*ad. I thought he was just missing. BOOTH: That why you thought you'd get away with selling his quarter-of-a-million- dollar guitar? BEBE: How much? That dealer totally ripped me off. BOOTH: Stay on topic, all right? BEBE: Okay. After Dalton's party, I snuck into Cole's room and took the guitar. It was sitting on the stand all polished. He usual kept it filthy. I don't know why he suddenly gave a crap about it. BOOTH: How did you get in? BEBE: I had a key. We hooked up the first night of camp. You know, after all the loser musicians I dated, I thought I finally found a decent guy, but... BOOTH: What happened? BEBE: Cole told me that he was planning on sleeping with every woman at camp as part of his own rock and roll fantasy. He thanked me for being such low-hanging fruit. BOOTH: So you k*lled him and you stole his guitar. BEBE: He was a poseur; he didn't deserve that guitar. Look, I know it was wrong to take it, but I swear to God, I didn't k*ll him. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Observation Room.) SWEETS: I believe her. BOOTH: Me, too. Too bad she's going to prison for grand theft. BRENNAN: Then who k*lled Cole? SWEETS: Well, everything that you've learned about the victim, uh, indicates that he was only interested in the external signifiers of the rock and roll lifestyle, correct? BRENNAN: Yes, the clothes, the instruments, the groupers. BOOTH: Groupies, Bones. BRENNAN: Well, groupers would be more logical. Male groupers have harems of multiple females. If you enter into a social contract with a marine biologist, you should know these things. BOOTH: Yeah, well, a fish can't play the guitar. BRENNAN: Well, apparently, neither could Cole. BOOTH: You don't have to keep bringing up Catherine. BRENNAN: Well, you're welcome to bring up Andrew. SWEETS: I have an opinion on motive, if anyone's interested. BOOTH: Right. SWEETS: Okay. To a true music fan, the fact that Richard Cole was playing the ultimate guitar would be sacrilegious, profane, even. And the fact that the k*ller put it back in Cole's room, rather than destroy it, further demonstrates his reverence for rock and roll. BOOTH: So, you're saying that the music is the motive. SWEETS: I know it's wrong, but I am liking our k*ller better than our victim. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab. The guitar is sitting on the stand.) ANGELA: Oh, wow. This is gorgeous. I wish my dad was here. CAM: No prints other than those of the dealer. HODGINS: The k*ller did an excellent cleaning job. CAM: Take it apart. See if he missed anything. ANGELA: Okay, um... I'm not going to watch that. HODGINS: I'll do it in the Ookey Room. Arastoo, little help here? (Hodgins grabs the guitar, Arastoo grabs the stand and they leave. Cam sees Michelle.) CAM: (to Angela) Will you excuse me? (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Hallway. Cam and Michelle are walking to her office.) MICHELLE: Dr. Lidner left a message at the house. CAM: Was there anything wrong with your tests? MICHELLE: No. He was confirming your date for Saturday night. CAM: Oh. That. Yes. I was going to tell you... MICHELLE: You're dating my gynecologist!? CAM: It wasn't my fault. It just happened. MICHELLE: What? Think about what you'd say if I said that to you. CAM: I'd ground you. I'm...sorry. We had lunch. We liked each other. That's all. And that was wrong. Very, very wrong. MICHELLE: Is that why you sent me to him? So you could get a date? I know you haven't seen anyone since I've been living with you. CAM: No. He's a good doctor, that's all. MICHELLE: Who just happens to be cute. CAM: Yes. No. God. MICHELLE: Why didn't you tell me? Don't you trust me? You have to sneak around behind my back? CAM: No. Wait. How did we switch roles here? MICHELLE: I can't go back to him now. That would be extremely skeevy. CAM: We just had lunch. I swear. I will never see him again. I promise. MICHELLE: Yes, you will. CAM: What? MICHELLE: You've been so focused on being a good mother that you've totally ignored yourself. Do you know what kind of pressure that puts on me? CAM: No, I... I didn't realize. MICHELLE: You need a life... for my sake. But don't sneak around behind my back. You two seem like a good fit. Have a little fun but don't go too fast. You're out of practice. CAM: Excuse me? MICHELLE: I thought you believed in honesty. CAM: Oh... all right. I'll go slow. Very, very slow. MICHELLE: And find me a new doctor. A woman. CAM: Sure. Right away. MICHELLE: I've got to get back to school. CAM: Okay. MICHELLE: Love you. CAM: Love you, too. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Ookey Room.) ARASTOO: What do you have, Dr. Hodgins? Anything? A walk? A single? Don't strike out, please. BRENNAN: Mr. Vaziri, your obsession with sport will no doubt diminish your mental acuity. ARASTOO: Oh, on the contrary, Dr. Brennan, baseballs a game built on mathematical certainty, the physics of force and velocity, as well as its anthropological significance as being one of the unifying cultural traditions for Americans. Hmm. Intellectually, it's quite stimulating, and, uh, I like swinging a bat. HODGINS: Okay, this fret is cracked. BRENNAN: What, from impact? HODGINS: No, no. The cracks are tiny. Yeah, you know, every fret in the lower register is cracked. ARASTOO: The guitar is old. HODGINS: Yeah, but that doesn't matter. This is from chlorine. See, the frets are made out of nickel and nickel reacts like this when exposed to chlorine. BRENNAN: There's a rooftop pool at the hotel. If Cole was m*rder there, the k*ller might have cleaned the guitar with pure chlorine. HODGINS: That's why it was so clean when Bebe stole it. ARASTOO: Well, the strings are made out of nickel, too, aren't they? HODGINS: Yeah, but they're brand-new. I mean, there's no cracking. ARASTOO: The k*ller must have known he couldn't get all the blood off, so he didn't even try. HODGINS: Well, if the k*ller restrung the guitar, then maybe he left us a little present. Bingo. BRENNAN: Is that a hair? HODGINS: Yes. Yes, it is. Purple. BRENNAN: I think I know whose that is. Someone who would k*ll to play with Erik Dalton. I believe we would call this a home run. (Cut to: Hotel Lobby. Gino is up on stage playing the final song of camp with Erik Dalton. All the campers are rocking out. Booth and Brennan make their way through the crowd.) BOOTH: Guess what, uh, kind of pick Bebe said Gino uses. BRENNAN: Woolly mammoth? (They get to the front. Booth sees Gino and hold up his handcuffs to let him know that they're there for him - but they let him finish playing the song.) CROWD: Whoo! BRENNAN: Whoo! GINO: Whoo! (He jumps off stage and goes over to Booth and Brennan) GINO: I couldn't let that poser play with it. Go ahead, man. It was worth it. BOOTH: Yeah, I'm sure it was. Come on. (He cuffs Gino and leads him away) GINO: WOO! (Cut to: Founding Fathers. Booth and Brennan are sitting at the bar, having a beer.) BOOTH: You know, our k*ller plays a mean guitar. I'm sure that they have, you know, a band in prison for him. BRENNAN: You're a very good singer. BOOTH: Thank you, Bones. And you-you play the guitar in a very interesting fashion. BRENNAN: I know. Does Catherine play? BOOTH: I don't know. I've only been out with her twice, Bones. BRENNAN: Last night, Andrew gave me a CD with music he likes. BOOTH: Mix-tape, huh? Talk about a social contract. BRENNAN: That's what I surmised. (she pauses) Our partnership is still important to me. You know that, right? BOOTH: Sure. Yeah. Die for your, partner. That's the way I look at it. (After a few seconds..) BRENNAN: I liked Andrew's taste in music except for a band called Led Zeppelin. BOOTH: Except for a band called Led Zeppelin? BRENNAN: (hesitantly) Yes. BOOTH: What? You kidding me? Led Zeppelin is, like, the best rock and roll band ever. I mean, they had a reunion tour in '07 in London. I would have k*lled for those tickets. BRENNAN: Really? My publisher offered me tickets, but when I heard "Zeppelin," I thought it was for some sort of air show. BOOTH: Air show? You turned down what probably was the last concert that Zeppelin would ever play? BRENNAN: Are you going to k*ll me? BOOTH: You're unbelievable! BRENNAN: Well, it's just a band, Booth. BOOTH: It's not just a band, okay? This is Led Zeppelin. You know what? I am your partner. You offer your partner those kind of things. BRENNAN: I didn't know that! BOOTH: Offer your partner the tickets. END.

{"type": "series", "show": "Bones", "episode": "05x19 - The Rocker in the Rinse Cycle"}

foreverdreaming

THE WITCH IN THE WARDROBE ACT ONE TEASER: [EXT: WOODED AREA. The scene opens in or near a forest clearing and turns to focus on a b*rned-out building. Crows are cawing. The chimney is left standing amongst blackened timber supports. FIREMEN are crawling all over the place. One walks through the building, instructing others.] FIREMAN 1: Saunders, Dubovich, check these hot spots and we're good to go. [He turns into what is left of a room and addresses the fireman in it. CONNOR is probably played by Bruno Amato, though iMDb does not address him by name.] FIREMAN 1: What's up, Connor? Hey, pop this wardrobe. Don't want a flare-up dragging us back out here this weekend. CONNOR: Yeah. [CONNOR is wearing a firefighter helmet emblazoned with the number 92. He takes a f*re extinguisher to the wardrobe standing near them. It opens, revealing a skeleton with gray hair, wearing an antique wedding dress. This is "The Witch in the Wardrobe".] CONNOR: Whoa! [FIREMAN 1 turns in surprise and stares at the skeleton.] CONNOR: That's a new one on me. [The image of the skeleton fades out until we can see just its skull over an image of the Jeffersonian crew arriving sometime later. BRENNAN and BOOTH exit his Suburban, while ANGELA and HODGINS have come in a Prius. They all make their way toward the house. Everyone is wearing Jeffersonian jumpsuits except BOOTH, who is in his typical clothes with beige trench coat. A sheriff car is parked nearby.] [Unsurprisingly, BRENNAN and BOOTH are engaged in another heated discussion.] BRENNAN: Order in successful societies depends upon enforced rules. BOOTH: People can do the right thing left on their own. BRENNAN: History shows otherwise. A weak government will always spawn mutiny and rebellion. [The camera turns to reveal two officers standing with the car. One disappears quickly, and the one who remains is SHERIFF GUS ABRAMS, played by Wade Williams and hereafter referred to as SHERIFF.] BOOTH: You don't believe in human decency under any circumstances? BRENNAN: Not as a means of controlling a population, no. The result would be anarchy. SHERIFF: I have to say I agree with the pretty lady on this one. Without the strong arm of the law, we're animals. [He tips his hat.] Sheriff Gus Abrams, thank you for coming out here. BRENNAN: What caused the f*re? [BRENNAN and BOOTH follow the SHERIFF into the house, while ANGELA and HODGINS remain outside.] SHERIFF: Well, it could be arson. The f*re boys say they didn't find any sign of an accelerant. The source of the flame looks like a lit candle. BRENNAN: Was someone k*lled? SHERIFF: Well, that's why we asked for you people. [They all enter the area of the house with the opened wardrobe. SHERIFF and BRENNAN are looking at the skeleton when BOOTH comes in, having taken the long way around. We see ANGELA and HODGINS have moved to do their thing at the side of the house.] BOOTH [stepping over piles of stuff]: Whoa-ho. [He comes around and sees the skeleton. This will be later referred to Skeleton 1.] BOOTH: Whoa! Okay. Is that real, Bones? [BRENNAN is touching the skeleton's mandible, studying the neck area.] BRENNAN: Yes. SHERIFF [uncomfortably]: I was hoping "no." BRENNAN: The bones were already dry and de-fleshed prior to the f*re. [Focus on ANGELA and HODGINS unpacking near some rocks.] BRENNAN [cont]: The victim was elderly, female. [She leans in.] Oh! BOOTH [looking up from his notes]: "Oh"? Wait, you usually don't say "oh." BRENNAN: It was an indication of my surprise. BOOTH: Well, I know that, but why? BRENNAN: The bones have been rearticulated. SHERIFF: Is that bad? BRENNAN: The skeleton has been reassembled, quite amateurishly. [She indicates the lower arm.] See how the right ulna has been placed with the left radius? BOOTH [semi-sarcastically, pretending he gets it]: Yeah, shoddy. That's shoddy work. [We return to ANGELA, who is kneeling by the rocks and taking a photo.] ANGELA: Hey, guys? Yeah? Uh, Hodgins noticed that there's a path all the way around the house. [Aerial sh*t of BOOTH crossing the "room" to look at what they are talking about. There is a circle of what looks like gray ash, about a foot wide, around the house.] HODGINS: And Angela noticed that it was a circle. BOOTH: Looks like it acted as a firebreak. HODGINS: Also dusted with some fine powder. [Crows caw. BRENNAN looks up intuitively. The birds are perched in a bare tree some distance away.] SHERIFF: Oh, those are crows. You city people may not be familiar. [BRENNAN moves to the birds. The others follow and the crows scatter.] BRENNAN: Crows are carrion birds, Sheriff. They scavenge for fresh k*ll. BOOTH: Uh-oh, when she starts flopping her elbows like that, she's hot on the trail for something. [BOOTH and the others cross the house, following BRENNAN.] ANGELA: Well, I don't want to think about what she's after. [They all arrive where BRENNAN is tentatively approaching a bundle in another part of the house. Close-ups reveal a partially crushed skull, mouth open, and covered in a white substance. Everybody, meet Skeleton 2.] BRENNAN: Booth? BOOTH: Yeah? [BRENNAN points.] BOOTH: Oh. Okay, oh. Let's get this... [They begin lifting objects from on top of the remains. After a minute they reveal the body. The skeleton is wearing red shoes.] ALL: Whoa! ANGELA: Oh, God. [She is anticipating HODGINS' next move:] D-don't say it. HODGINS: Oh, I've got to. "We aren't in Kansas anymore." [There is a pause as the skeleton's feet curl.] BOOTH: Whoa, okay. I don't like it when d*ad things move. Did you see that? It was moving there. [HODGINS and BRENNAN kneel down, interested. Close-up on the red shoes as the screen blurs to a cut.] [INT: JEFFERSONIAN. The bodies are on tables on the platform. CAM swipes her card and walks up the stairs.] CAM: Who do you want to start with? The Wicked Witch of the East over here-East, right? CLARK: Right. Uh, she wore the red shoes. BRENNAN: We should start with the more recent remains. CAM: Which are sealed up. [She puts on gloves.] What is it with this job and corpses encased in mystery wrap? CLARK: Dr. Hodgins says it's most likely polystyrene ceiling insulation that melted in the f*re and coated the body. BRENNAN: Could he explain the sparkle? CLARK: Fluorescent bulbs exploded afterward, shattering over the polystyrene. BRENNAN: Perhaps you and Dr. Hodgins can find a way to unseal the remains. CAM: Well, let me see if I can get in here. [She inserts a magnification tool into the skeleton's nasal cavity. Meanwhile, CLARK is pointing to x-rays of the arms.] CLARK: Wire ligatures around the wrists indicate foul play. CAM: No evidence of smoke inhalation. She was d*ad before the f*re. [She stands and looks at Skeleton 1.] CAM: Now... that one is just weird. BRENNAN: These bones were found in a sealed wardrobe. It preserved her in f*re. CLARK: Uh, female, also Caucasian. Uh, 40 to 50 years old. BRENNAN: There's evidence of spinal kyphosis, which would have given her a hunched posture. This stain, here on the forehead, is the result of contact with copper. I've seen this before in disinterred bodies because of the copper hardware on coffins. CAM: So, somebody robbed a grave, strung together a skeleton and stuck it in a wedding dress? BRENNAN: That's a reasonable conclusion. CLARK: These are greenstick fractures. Extreme force was applied to the chest. And there's a clean-edged indentation of the spinous processes, L2 and L3. BRENNAN: Thoracic crushing, combined with the puncture wound... This woman was subjected to a kind of t*rture that was used in the 17th century. CAM: t*rture? BRENNAN: These injuries are consistent with a form of punishment used during the Salem Witch Trials. [Close-up on the skeleton's skull, wisps of gray hair spread over the table.] CAM [OS]: She was a witch? [CUT to MAIN TITLE THEME and CREDITS.] ACT TWO [EXT: ROAD. A Prius drives toward the camera. ANGELA and HODGINS are in the Prius, leaving the crime scene.] ANGELA [from inside car]: You know what I think? I think Cam sent us both to the crime scene because of the tension between us. [Camera is now inside the car. HODGINS is driving. ANGELA is fiddling with her camera, not looking at him.] HODGINS: "Tension"? Hey, there's no tension between us. ANGELA: Yeah, at first I thought it was because I'm suddenly--I don't know--available again. And then I thought maybe it was because you think that I treated Wendell badly. [She looks at him.] HODGINS: Hold on. Wendell said that it was totally mutual. He said that you were wonderful. ANGELA: I'm not sure how I feel about you two discussing me. HODGINS: Not "discussing" you. Complimenting you. [She gives him a look.] HODGINS: Okay, fine. No more compliments. [pause] You don't look good today. Your smile is ordinary at best, and it is not cool that we finally get to work together again in the field. ANGELA: Okay, that's fine. I can live with that. [There is a beep from the camera as she finds a picture to show him.] ANGELA: Yeah, this symbol is very creepy on this chimney. HODGINS: All right, let me see. ANGELA: See? HODGINS: Oh, yeah. It could be a lot of things. [He is distracted by the pictures and outside the car, we see he drifts across the lane. There is an alarm from inside the car and he jerks the car back to safety.] HODGINS: Whoa! What is that? ANGELA: Oh, the Prius helps you stay in your lane. [She indicates an area of the console.] That's kind of cool. HODGINS: It is cool. Let's do that again. [He does. The SHERIFF is driving behind him, sees him swerve lanes and turns on the sirens.] HODGINS: Oh, that is not cool. ANGELA: I didn't even see him there. That's pretty sneaky. Pull over. I'll pour on the charm. [They pull over. SHERIFF approaches the car. HODGINS sees him in the side windows] HODGINS: It's Sheriff Abrams from the crime scene. ANGELA: Oh. HODGINS: Oh, perfect. SHERIFF: Good afternoon, sir. I observed you crossing the double-yellow. How much have you had to drink today? HODGINS: Sheriff Abrams, it's us. Hodgins and Angela. We just left the crime scene. We're heading up north to drop off our stuff at the lab. SHERIFF: I know, Dr. Hodgins. I'm just following the law. Have you had anything to drink today? ANGELA [flirting]: Hi, Sheriff. Listen, um, I really do like a man in uniform who loves his job. So, uh, neither one of us has had anything to drink. No. SHERIFF [leaning down]: Hello, Ms. Montenegro. But I'm afraid I need the driver to respond. HODGINS [sarcastically]: Yeah, yeah, I've had several martinis, some absinthe and a barrel of mead. SHERIFF: License and registration, please. ANGELA: He was kidding. He's just being an idiot. SHERIFF: You, too, please. [CUT.] [INT: DINER. SWEETS, BRENNAN and BOOTH are seated at the bar.] SWEETS: A real Salem witch? That's awesome! BOOTH: Relax. Simmer down. BRENNAN: The strontium isotope results verify Massachusetts. SWEETS: Oh! Can I see it? BOOTH: What's the big deal? SWEETS: My first published work concerned the collective sociopathology behind the Salem Witch Trials. I'm a leading expert. BOOTH: Shrinkery meets witchery. [To BRENNAN] Now, your head's probably about ready to explode, huh? BRENNAN: It's a completely acceptable arena of study, even for a psychologist. SWEETS: Thank you. At last, I feel validated. BRENNAN: Most cultures believe that some sort of supernatural power can be elicited through ritual. Like, uh, you going to church. BOOTH: Right. Well, at least I don't ride there on my broomstick. SWEETS: Most witches align themselves with the Wiccans, but witchcraft is an extremely heterogeneous subject which encompasses the dark arts like evil spells, sacrifices... BOOTH: So you're saying this creepy, old witch came back from the d*ad to k*ll this victim? BRENNAN: No. SWEETS: No, no. Of course not, but we are talking about a three-century-year-old body that was rearticulated and costumed as a virgin, are we not, Dr. Brennan? BRENNAN: Well, given that women in those times were expected to be virgins on their wedding days, that's... reasonable. SWEETS: I want to work on the case. BOOTH: What are you going to do, cast a spell? Heh. SWEETS: I want to see if I could find a link between the old witch and the new witch. BOOTH: All right, you know what? Go for it. It's all yours. BRENNAN: There's no evidence that the other victim was a witch. BOOTH: Aside from the fact that she was wearing red slippers and her feet curled up after she was d*ad. [His phone rings.] BOOTH [into phone]: Booth. SWEETS: What? BRENNAN: There's a completely scientific explanation for it. BOOTH [into phone, repeating what he's been told]: B-Y-R-D, Cheri Byrd. [He hangs up.] BOOTH: That creepy house belonged to a woman by the name of Cheri Byrd, and she has a surviving brother. [CUT.] [INT: BOOTH'S OFFICE. BOOTH is there with the victim's brother JESSE, played by Peter Holden.] JESSE: Are you sure it's Cheri? BOOTH: Dental records confirm her identity. When was the last time you spoke to your sister? JESSE: Two, three months ago. Someone made an offer on the house. Our grandfather left it to us both. I wanted to sell. She refused. We haven't spoken since. BOOTH: You don't seem too surprised that she's d*ad. JESSE: Cheri and I used to be really close. You know, but, uh, last ten years, she got into some really... weird stuff. BOOTH: Witchcraft? JESSE: Yeah. BOOTH: Mm-hmm. JESSE: Started ordering us to call her Zephyra. I told her I wouldn't. Thought it was stupid. BOOTH: The fact that she didn't sell the house, that didn't get you upset or angry? JESSE: No. No, I didn't care about the money. I, I wanted her to move to the city. Thought her mind might go back to normal if she saw more people. BOOTH: Who wanted to buy the house? JESSE: Guy named Mario Trivisini, Trivisonno... Making some big development. Said Cheri's place was the key. BOOTH: "The key," why? JESSE: Lake access. When Cheri said no, he had to give up on the whole project. [CUT.] [INT: HODGINS' OFFICE. CLARK is performing an experiment in HODGINS' absence. There is a contraption with solutions trickling into Styrofoam cups. CLARK tinkers with it. CAM appears in the doorway.] CAM: Oh. You're not Hodgins. CLARK: He's not here, and I can't wait any longer. CAM [puzzled]: Wait for what? CLARK: Dr. Brennan wants me to identify the best solvent to remove polystyrene from the bones. So I put myself in the mindset of Dr. Hodgins and came up with this experiment. CAM: I have a new appreciation for Dr. Hodgins. [There is an awkward pause.] CLARK: ...Okay. [He continues, indicating.] This device slowly fills each polystyrene cup up with kerosene, propylene, turpentine, hydrochloric acid and... [He turns the last one on.] CLARK: ...acetone. Oh! [We see the acetone cup has entirely melted.] CLARK [pleased]: Acetone! [As the cup melts into the bowl it lands in, the bowl overbalances and tips, bumping the other bowls. CLARK: Whoa! Oh! [They all fall and CLARK quickly turns off the chemicals.] [CAM is watching with a hint of exasperation and amusement. She is clearly not getting involved.] CAM: It's not like Hodgins to be late. Can you come get me as soon as he shows up? CLARK: Mm-hmm. [She prepares to leave, then pauses.] CAM: And I think the acetone is eating through your shoes. CLARK: What? [He looks down.] Oh. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no. Oh, I love these shoes. [He wipes them frantically with paper towel.] [CUT.] [INT: JAIL. SHERIFF is on the phone down the hall and we pan to ANGELA and HODGINS. They are in a cell.] HODGINS [sounding jaded]: We live in a fascist state. ANGELA: If you know that, then why did you taunt the guy with the g*n? HODGINS: You expect me to just roll over? ANGELA: No. Praying that you do, though. [The camera shows SHERIFF approaching.] ANGELA: Okay, here he comes. Listen, Hodgins, be nice, or I will cause you great pain. [SHERIFF comes to the cell.] HODGINS: So, uh, have we cleared this up, Officer? SHERIFF: Not quite. Now the problem is that Miss Montenegro here is a criminal. I found an outstanding bench warrant on you, young lady. HODGINS: What? ANGELA: For what? SHERIFF: For defying a notice to appear on a speeding charge. ANGELA: Oh. Yeah, well, that, I didn't speed. SHERIFF: But you did defy a bench warrant, which is worse than speeding. And Dr. Hodgins, you also have a warrant for escaping police custody during a Freedom of Information protest eight years ago. HODGINS: People have a right to know. SHERIFF: But not a right to run away. [HODGINS and ANGELA both clearly think this is ridiculous.] ANGELA: Okay... all right, listen. I will appear, and Hodgins will... surrender, as soon as we get back, okay? Word of honor. SHERIFF: It's not up to me. I can't let you go until the judge rules on your warrants. HODGINS: Well, when will that be? SHERIFF: Whenever one shows up. In the meantime, I suggest you two make the best of things, the best you can. HODGINS: Hey! No. Hey! [He turns to ANGELA.] HODGINS [incredulously]: Speeding? ANGELA [annoyed]: Don't you dare. [CUT.] ACT THREE [INT: FBI INTERROGATION ROOM. BOOTH enters with a file in his hand. The camera pants to MARIO, who is completely bald. He is played by Joel Polis.] BOOTH: Oh, thanks so much for coming in there, Mr. Trivisi...? MARIO: Trivisonno. Trivisonno Properties. BOOTH: Right. MARIO: So, hey, this is something new, for me to be called in by the FBI. What's this all about? [BOOTH shows MARIO a photo of the house.] MARIO: Yeah. I-I know this house. [He slides the picture back.] BOOTH: Bet you get a good deal on that now, huh? MARIO: Yeah, why is that? [He places his hat on the picture, covering it.] BOOTH [sitting down]: You don't know where I'm going with this, pal? MARIO: Maybe it was your aunt that lived there? [BOOTH waits for him to get it.] MARIO: You're... You're thinking I want to buy the place now? No way. I learned my lesson. BOOTH: What-What do you mean you learned your lesson? MARIO: You see me now? [Holds up license, in which he has a full head of hair.] You see me there? MARIO: See the difference? BOOTH: Yeah. You shaved your head. MARIO: No, I did not shave my head. Your aunt put a curse on me, and all the hairs fell off my body. All the important ones. BOOTH: All right, first of all, Cheri Byrd is not my aunt. And secondly, she's d*ad. MARIO: Well, here's hoping a curse loses its oomph after the voodoo lady dies. BOOTH: Well, apparently, she was m*rder, so, you want to know what I'm thinking? Guy thinks he's cursed, he loses his hair, and he wants her d*ad. MARIO: No, no. You-you couldn't have got me anywhere near that lady. Not to k*ll her, not for anything. She painted this symbol on the bricks on the chimney, and inside, there was all this spooky stuff. Black candles. The day she cursed me, there was a d*ad cat laid out on the dining room table. BOOTH: So, you ditched the project? MARIO: A month ago. I'm a professional. You think I need it to get around that an evil witch lived on the development? I know when to cut and run. [He runs his hand wistfully over his head.] Just wish I'd done it a week earlier. [CUT.] [INT: JEFFERSONIAN. CLARK is inspecting Skeleton 2 as BRENNAN swipes her card to access the platform.] BRENNAN: Hodgins isn't back yet? CLARK: No, but I've made some progress. I found this. Sharp instrument trauma on the xiphoid process of the sternum. And anteriomedial aspect of ribs 1 and 4, bilaterally. BRENNAN: She was s*ab repeatedly. CLARK: Yeah. BRENNAN: Make casts to analyze the striations and kerf characteristics to determine the w*apon. CLARK: Oh. [He retrieves a tray, on which there is a glob of resin-like matter in a petri dish.] CLARK: I also found this on the manubrium. BRENNAN: What is it? CLARK: That's a Dr. Hodgins job. If we had him... which we don't. BRENNAN: And you haven't heard from him at all? CLARK: He and Angela never came back last night. And since they used to be intimates, I decided not to push it 'cause that's none of my concern. None at all. It's a little icky, actually. BRENNAN: It's not like them to just disappear; something could be wrong. [The phone rings. They both look at it.] [Cut to the jail. Angela is on the phone. HODGINS is pacing around the cell.] ANGELA: Oh, oh, it's ringing. HODGINS: Just tell them we've got all the evidence from the crime scene. They'll get us out. ANGELA: Okay. [At the lab, BRENNAN reads the phone display: "Angela Montenegro".] [She answers, putting the phone on speaker.] BRENNAN: Angela? [Cut to ANGELA in jail.] ANGELA: Yeah, hi. HODGINS [leaning to phone]: And Hodgins. Help! [Cut to lab.] BRENNAN: Where are you? ANGELA: We're in Berryville. [Jail.] ANGELA: Maryland--we're... in jail. [Lab.] BRENNAN: Wha-why are you in jail? [Jail.] ANGELA: Well, it goes a little like this: uh, Hodgins got pulled over for driving like an old lady. And then we... HODGINS: Yeah, and Angela had an outstanding bench warrant. [Lab.] ANGELA: Oh, you have a warrant, too, Mr. Clean. BRENNAN: Where is the evidence you collected yesterday? HODGINS [through phone]: It's in jail with us. [Jail.] ANGELA: We're stuck here until the judge shows up to set our bail, and who knows when that's going to be. [Lab.] BRENNAN: Well, we need that evidence. I'll tell Cam to come and get you. [Jail. HODGINS grabs the phone.] HODGINS [into phone]: Okay, also, uh, will you tell Clark to throw a blanket over my molting swallowtail caterpillars at 4:30, or they will die. [Lab. BRENNAN looks at CLARK, who makes a face and nods.] BRENNAN: Okay. [She hangs up.] [Cut to jail.] HODGINS [happily]: Yes. ANGELA: Yes! [To Sheriff off-screen.] HODGINS: Well... I'm afraid we might have to check out a little early there, pal. I hope that's okay. BOOTH [OS]: You know, that sheriff out in Podunk was a decent guy. [CUT.] [INT: DINER. BRENNAN, BOOTH and SWEETS are eating.] BOOTH [cont]: I'm sure Hodgins getting arrested, really good reason. SWEETS: So, I've been thinking about d*ad cats. BRENNAN: That doesn't seem like a good use of your time. SWEETS: Witches, the bad kind, use animal sacrifices in their spells. Black cats are particularly meaningful. BOOTH: I told Sweets that the developer saw a d*ad cat on the victim's dining room table before he went bald. BRENNAN: What's the connection? BOOTH: He thinks that she put a spell on him. SWEETS: You should talk to their local coven. BOOTH: Wait a second. There's a local coven? SWEETS: Uh-huh. The Circle of Moonwick. BRENNAN: You said that Wiccans were good, whereas the victim was bad. BOOTH: Yeah, they're probably competing for the same eye of newt. BRENNAN: No, Wiccan ceremonies honor nature and the sanctity of life above all else. They don't use eye of newt. SWEETS: Okay, tonight is their Waning Moon ceremony. Now, logged into their website, using the name Lilith82. I, uh, I got directions. [He unfolds a piece of paper and passes down the table.] BOOTH [taking paper]: Witches have websites? Gotta love the Internet, huh? So, witch hunt tonight? BRENNAN: All right. BOOTH: If you bring the candles, I'll bring the broomstick. [CUT.] [INT: JAIL. HODGINS is lying on a bench.] ANGELA [OS]: This is the hardest bench that I have ever sat on in my life. HODGINS: Sat on? Slept on. [He sits up. ANGELA rubs her neck wearily.] ANGELA: My shoulders are k*lling me. Hodgins [agreeing]: Tell me about it. [pause] Come here. ANGELA: Why? HODGINS: I'll give you a little rub. You know, work out the kinks. [She looks at him.] HODGINS: Are you really that mad at me that you don't want a little massage? ANGELA: Okay. Only because I hurt. [HODGINS begins to rub her shoulders. It's clearly a... very enjoyable massage.] ANGELA: Oh... yeah. Ohh, oh, yes. [Oh, wait. These are unmistakable sex noises.] ANGELA: Yes, down, down. A little lower. Lower. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, thank you, God. Oh... Hodgins [grinning]: "God" is a little formal. "Hodgins" is fine. ANGELA: Oh, yes. Harder, right there. Right there. Right there, oh... [CAM is approaching.] ANGELA [cont]: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... CAM: Looks to me like, uh, you two are doing just fine in here. [Oops. The massage stops and they sheepishly look at CAM.] ANGELA: Oh, uh... HODGINS: Cam! Hey! So? Did you spring us? Cam [to Sheriff]: These two aren't exactly Bonnie and Clyde. Can't you let them go? SHERIFF: Not until the judge gets here. CAM: Well, I'll post bail, pay the fine--whatever. We need them to solve this m*rder. SHERIFF: You have the evidence. They can be reached here any time to assist. CAM: Don't you think you're being a little... rigid? SHERIFF: You are a law enforcement professional, are you not, ma'am? CAM: Yes, but... SHERIFF: Well, then you know that the law can't be twisted to our will or chaos will ensue. I mean, where does it end? Today, a seemingly minor bench warrant, tomorrow we overlook another piece of paper and a m*rder goes free. [CAM fixes him with an incredulous look. He shrugs.] CAM: Wow. You are like the last upright man in America. SHERIFF [bashful]: Well, I wouldn't say that. But I am a good sheriff. [He gives her the box of evidence.] And I love the law. CAM: That's very impressive, Sheriff. [HODGINS and ANGELA have been watching from the jail cell.] HODGINS: Oh, my God, he's getting to her. [CAM returns to them apologetically.] CAM: I'm... sure the judge will be coming soon. ANGELA: No, no, no, no, you're kidding, right? CAM: Sorry. It was like arguing with one of the Founding Fathers. I've got the evidence. We'll talk, okay? ANGELA: Oh, my God. HODGINS: No. ANGELA: Cam! HODGINS: No! ANGELA: Cam? CAM: See you guys later. HODGINS: Hey! [CUT.] [EXT: MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. Nighttime. BRENNAN and BOOTH are crunching through the bushes, armed with a flashlight. They speak in hushed whispers.] BRENNAN: Could you not walk so loudly? BOOTH: Don't tell me that you're afraid of witches. BRENNAN: Wiccans, and no, but why waste an opportunity to observe them when they don't know they're being observed? BOOTH: You want to spy on witches? BRENNAN: Wiccans. No, I want you to spy on them, while I study them anthropologically. [They can now see the witc-sorry, Wiccans.] BOOTH: Ground zero. WICCANS: [chanting in Latin. The chant is repeated over and over throughout the whole scene.] [BOOTH and BRENNAN scurry to a larger bush and peep over the top.] BRENNAN: It's fascinating. [The WICCANS continue to chant. One, Rowan, takes a handful of something from a pot and scatters it, then picks something up.] BOOTH: What are they doing with that Blair Witch thingy? BRENNAN: It's a miniature effigy... WICCANS: [chanting, growing in intensity. They light the effigy.] [As BOOTH and BRENNAN watch in surprise, the WICCANS begin dancing to a rhythmic drum b*at, removing their robes. They are naked.] BOOTH: Oh... Okay, why is it when things like this happen, it always happens to people you don't want to see naked, huh? [CUT.] ACT FOUR [EXT: SAME PLACE. Some time later. The ceremony is over and now BOOTH and BRENNAN walk along a road accompanied by two WICCANS, once more in robes. The blonde is Rowan, played by Kate Vernon, and the brunette is Ember, played by Jillian Bach.] BOOTH: Okay, so we have Rowan and... Eden, right? EMBER: Ember. BOOTH: Ember. Exactly. BRENNAN: Ember? ROWAN: We'll give you the names society assigned to us, but not while in the Sacred Grove. BOOTH: Oh, okay, dancing naked is okay, but Christian names are forbidden. Got it. ROWAN: We weren't doing anything wrong. Why are you disrupting a religious service? BOOTH: You know what happened to your friend Zephyra? BRENNAN [holding up the effigy in a bag]: Is this by any chance a totem representing her? EMBER: We were marking the end of Zephyra's corporeal life. ROWAN: Celebrating the unification of her spirit with the elements. BRENNAN: Why would you do that? Unless she was a member of your coven. ROWAN: She was not one of us. BOOTH: A bad witch. ROWAN: Sadly, Zephyra performed magic for profit. She was known to use human relics. BRENNAN: Such as the body of a Salem witch? ROWAN: I don't know where she would get something like that, but that would be an immensely powerful relic, yes. BOOTH: Oh, so she has other clients. Well, we're going to have to talk to them. ROWAN: The dark arts are fragile, Agent Booth. Zephyra's clients employed her to do evil. BOOTH: Bad people getting other bad people to do bad things. [CUT.] [INT: BONE ROOM. CLARK is inspecting a bone through a microscope.] CAM [with box]: What's that? CLARK: Fragments of the hyoid and the throat cartilage. Some of the smaller bones were broken when the house collapsed. They're very difficult to clean. I may need to go back in with the acetone. CAM [setting down and unpacking box]: Well, it's time to multi-task. I have the evidence Angela and Hodgins gathered from the scene. CLARK: I thought your intention was to bring back Hodgins and Angela. CAM: Well, they had to wait for the judge, and you can't bend the law to help your friends. CLARK: So... we're going to do this without them. CAM: Well, they can coach us and consult, but, yeah, it's you and me. CLARK [holding up a tube of dirt warily]: So you expect me to deal with dirt. Great. [CUT.] [INT: JAIL CELL. A small object just misses the mouth of a Styrofoam cup on the floor. The camera pans back to reveal ANGELA and HODGINS sitting on the floor.] HODGINS: Ooh, close, but now I'm up 18 cents. ANGELA: Yeah, for now. [She throws and it lands in the cup.] HODGINS: Nice! ANGELA: Oh, yes! HODGINS: Wow! ANGELA: Only 17. HODGINS: Do you realize how long it's been since we've spent this much time together? Outside the lab, I mean? ANGELA: Yeah, I know. God. I keep thinking about that, that crappy cabin that we stayed in, in the mountains. Do you remember that? 30 degrees, there was no heat. HODGINS: Yeah. Oh, man, this jail is way better than that cabin. ANGELA: That was a good weekend, though. HODGINS: Mm-hmm. Keeping warm. ANGELA: Yeah. [There is a noise and they both look up. SHERIFF is wheeling a computer to them.] SHERIFF: Your lab called. This computer may not be state-of-the-art, but we got the Internets. HODGINS: Sure. Let's, uh, throw some coal in that thing and f*re it up. [CUT.] [INT: BOOTH'S OFFICE. BOOTH is exiting but SWEETS arrives with an enormous stack of books.] SWEETS [nearly crashing into him]: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Cheri Byrd was a dark witch, perhaps even a Satanist. BOOTH: Yeah, well, the Wiccans really seemed afraid of her. What is all this? SWEETS: Well, I found the transcripts of the Salem Witch Trials. I thought maybe we could identify the remains that Cheri Byrd dressed up in the wedding dress. Check that out. BOOTH [reading]: "Prudence Sullivan, female. 48 years of age, of small stature with back bent as though burdened by great weight of guilt"? SWEETS: Guilt. Yeah, it sort of matches Dr. Brennan's description, right? Check this out. BOOTH: "Old, short, hunched over." Sounds like every other witch. SWEETS: No, no, no, that's a stereotype. 48 is old? BOOTH: Well, it was back then. I can't believe you got all this stuff. SWEETS: Okay, trust me, a Salem witch doesn't just show up in Maryland. Her grave was robbed for a reason. I know my witches, all right? [The books fall.] BOOTH: Sorry. SWEETS: Ah! BOOTH: Just put it down. Relax. Slow down. Just sit. SWEETS: I did so... BOOTH: Shh! SWEETS: ...so much reading. [CUT.] [INT: LAB. CAM and CLARK look at HODGINS and ANGELA via the video link.] CLARK: Nice cell. HODGINS [on camera]: It's not much, but we call it home. ANGELA: Yeah, we're thinking of redoing the kitchen. HODGINS [looking at resiny substance]: Okay, it's amber. Uh, it melts at 400 to 700 degrees Fahrenheit--temperatures easily reached in the f*re. ANGELA: Is that a bug in there? HODGINS: Oh, yeah, baby. Check out those tibial bristles. [SHERIFF leans in to see. He is wedged between the computer and the cell bars. His head appears on camera and CAM chuckles under her breath.] ANGELA: There's plenty of room in here, Sheriff, if you want to join us. SHERIFF [standing quickly]: Oh, that's against regulations. HODGINS: Okay, you can verify with the Entomology Department, but I'm fairly certain we're looking at Nedocosia naiba. It's a fungus gnat. CLARK: Okay, does that help with time of death? HODGINS: No. This gnat would have had his last fungus about a hundred million years ago in the Lower Cretaceous. ANGELA [jokingly]: Hmm. So, if we remove the DNA, we could re-create dinosaurs, right? HODGINS: It was probably an amber pendant from an ordinary piece of jewelry. ANGELA [looking in]: What's with the hair? CLARK: What hair? HODGINS: Oh, yeah, she's right. Hey, check out the speck at three o'clock. The amber probably picked up a piece of hair when it melted in the f*re. CLARK: But our victim's hair was gray and wavy. HODGINS: Yeah, but this one is dark. CAM: Well, if the root bulb's present, it could be an indicator that the hair was forcibly removed. SHERIFF: So it could be from the perp. [They all look at him.] SHERIFF: I'm sorry. Caught up in the thrill of the chase. CAM: I'll run DNA. So how are you guys doing? ANGELA: Uh, well, I mean, we'd-we'd like to get out of here, if that's what you mean. CAM: I'm sure you will. Thanks, guys. [CUT.] [INT: PLATFORM. BRENNAN is leaning over remains and CAM enters.] CAM: The hair in the amber gave us a h*t. CODIS says it belongs to one Murray Huddler, convicted of as*ault in 2008, paroled last October. Now this may possibly go towards motive. [She brings up an article onscreen.] CAM: It certainly goes toward "creepy coincidence." BRENNAN [reading]: "Dumped Hubby Decks Attorney." So this man was incarcerated for as*ault his ex-wife's attorney? CAM: Huddler's wife dumped him, hosed him in a divorce, then married the lawyer that represented her. But look at this. [She zooms in on wedding picture.] CAM: Anything look familiar to you? BRENNAN [pointing to wedding dress]: She's wearing this dress. [CUT.] ACT FIVE [INT: FBI INTERROGATION ROOM. BOOTH is interrogating MURRAY HUDDLER, played by Chris Ufland.] BOOTH: Murray Huddler. MURRAY: Yeah. BOOTH: You know a woman by the name of Cheri Byrd? MURRAY: No. BOOTH: How about a witch named Zephyra? MURRAY. Oh. BOOTH: Oh, yeah, I'll take that as a yes. MURRAY: I hired her. BOOTH: Hired her for...? MURRAY: To put a hex on my bitch ex-wife, okay? Is that illegal? BOOTH: Well, Zephyra's d*ad. She was m*rder, house torched. MURRAY: You think I did it. BOOTH: Well, I don't know. Depends how much you paid for the hex. MURRAY: Two grand up front. Three if it took. BOOTH: Did it take? MURRAY: No, it did not take. BOOTH: Ooh. You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking you k*lled Zephyra, and in the struggle, she yanked out some of your hair. MURRAY: No, I gave her my hair for the spell. That and my ex-wife's wedding dress. BOOTH: Right. [He pulls out a Kn*fe in an evidence bag.] BOOTH: We found that in your truck. MURRAY: That's not what you think it is. I went fishing on Friday. BOOTH: Fishing? Okay, right. But you do know if this blade matches the s*ab marks on Cheri Byrd's bones, that could spell trouble for you. CLARK [OS]: Huddler's fishing Kn*fe. [CUT.] [INT: BONE ROOM. CLARK, CAM and BRENNAN gather around.] CLARK [cont]: ...is thin, very sharp on one edge, and has a slight curve at the tip. BRENNAN: The blade that made these cuts is thicker, evenly tapered and sharp on both edges, like a dagger. CAM: Definitely not a match. BRENNAN: What's this? CLARK: Fragments of the hyoid and throat cartilage, damaged by a f*re and crushed by a house. The acetone probably didn't help. BRENNAN: These bones certainly resemble the hyoid and surrounding cartilage, but not all of these are human. CLARK: What? [They all lean in.] [CUT.] [INT: JAIL HALLWAY. HODGINS and ANGELA are consulting online.] ANGELA: Okay, is this whole witchy thing about to get creepier? BRENNAN: This looks like part of a tiny joint. I believe these bones are the incomplete skeleton of a small animal. What do you think? HODGINS: You know, it's a little outside my expertise, but they look like bat bones to me. You missed that, Clark? BRENNAN: Clark's error is completely understandable, given the condition of these remains and the bizarre nature of these circumstances. CLARK: Thank you, Dr. Brennan. HODGINS: Yeah, but I made the call on a piece-of-crap cathode-ray tube while in jail. CLARK: Oh, that's right: you're a criminal. CAM: Are we thinking a woman had a bat shoved down her throat? Yes, that's exactly what happened. CLARK: Well, thank you, Dr. Hodgins. [He disables video link.] HODGINS: What? ANGELA: Ugh... HODGINS [holding up penny]: Another round? ANGELA: Really? You sure? You're down 31 cents. [Skip to when HODGINS has tried to throw the penny in the cup again.] HODGINS [penny misses cup]: Oh! ANGELA: Yes! 32. [She retrieves the penny. There is a long pause. They look at each other, smiles fading.] HODGINS [suspiciously]: What? ANGELA: Do you ever wonder what happened to us? On the day we broke up? HODGINS: Yeah, every day. I run through that conversation word-for-word. ANGELA: Me, too. HODGINS: You said, "All you had to do was trust me." ANGELA: And you said, "Hey, you're the one who's leaving." HODGINS: And then you said, "You're the one who isn't stopping me." ANGELA: And I left. HODGINS: Yeah. ANGELA: Right. Well, I wish I hadn't. HODGINS: The biggest regret of my life is I didn't stop you. ANGELA: Yeah, what was up with that? HODGINS: Uh... I panicked. I lost faith that I could sustain that kind of happiness. ANGELA: Hmm. You talk to Sweets? HODGINS: Kid's got the goods. ANGELA: Yeah. It was like we were both playing chicken, and then we... we both swerved. HODGINS: What we should have done is crashed right into each other. ANGELA: At the speed of light. [There is a pause. They look at each other. They both close the distance between them and kiss passionately.] SHERIFF: The judge is here. [They break apart awkwardly. HODGINS clears his throat and looks at JUDGE FLOYD BARBER, played by William Stanford Davis. He is wearing a jacket and bowtie.] HODGINS: The judge is a barber. JUDGE: Keeps me grounded. SHERIFF: And it's against the rules for prisoners to fraternize sexually while in custody. JUDGE: Maybe give it a rest, huh, Gus? Let's get you two out of here. [Left to themselves, ANGELA and HODGINS look at each other for a moment, then smile and lace their fingers together.] [CUT.] [EXT: DINER. We see BOOTH and BRENNAN through the window.] BOOTH: Bat bones? BRENNAN: Myotis albescens. It's not indigenous to the United States, but the bones are available online. BOOTH. Like everything else. I'll look into it. [Inside the diner, SWEETS enters hurriedly. We follow him to the table.] SWEETS: So, I think I've identified our skeleton bride. BOOTH: Look at that! BRENNAN: You identified human remains? SWEETS: Dr. Brennan, you said that the woman was subjected to a form of t*rture known as "pressing," right? BRENNAN: Yes. That's how I surmised we were dealing with the remains of a Salem witch. SWEETS: In fact, only one Salem witch died as a result of pressing. Well, one female; there was an 80-year-old man... you don't, you don't care about the old man, do you? BOOTH [reading]: Emily Quimby, died November 1692. SWEETS: Buried in Salem in unconsecrated ground, of course, but her grave was robbed six months ago. BRENNAN: You think the victim dug up the old witch's bones to increase her own power? SWEETS: Absolutely. BRENNAN: This is interesting, but not pertinent to the case. SWEETS: Wait for it. BOOTH: Wait for it. Here it is. SWEETS: Upon finding Emily Quimby's grave, I, uh, researched her family tree, and there's a 16-generation remove, but look. BOOTH [reading]: "Mary Harden Trent." SWEETS: Direct descendant. BRENNAN: Why is that name familiar? SWEETS: Mary Harden Trent is a member of the Circle of Moonwick Coven. Her witch name is "Ember." BOOTH: Oh, digging up Great-Grandma is not the worst motive for m*rder I've ever heard. [CUT.] [INT: JAIL HALLWAY. JUDGE and SHERIFF are walking toward the cell.] JUDGE: All right, what I'm doing here is releasing you two on your own recognizance. ANGELA: Oh, thank you. HODGINS: Yes, we will pay our fines and make our court appearances. JUDGE: I'm sure you will. Gus will come after you if you don't follow the letter of the law. Let me notarize this stuff and get you on your way. HODGINS: Thank you. How long did he say he'd be gone? [CUT.] [INT: FBI INTERROGATION ROOM with BOOTH, BRENNAN and MARY HARDEN TRENT. BOOTH: Mary Harden Trent. That is your signature, correct? EMBER: Yes, though I prefer to go by "Ember." BOOTH: Okay, what do you say we just step outside your little magic forest, stay on point, okay? Our credit card records show that you purchased bat bones online. That true? EMBER: Bat bones are an integral part of my religion. BOOTH: Did you shove those bat bones down her throat before or after you s*ab her? EMBER: No! No, I swear upon the goddess that I'm incapable of such v*olence. BRENNAN: How tall are you? EMBER: Five-two? BRENNAN: She may be too small to inflict the injuries that k*lled our victim. BOOTH [thumbing through a large book]: She may be small, but she's full of anger. [He drops the book onto the table with a bang.] BOOTH: There. That is your great-great-something-grandmother Emily Quimby. BRENNAN: She was a witch, too. EMBER: Yes, and she didn't deserve to die. BOOTH: What, did you boast to Zephyra that witchism ran in your family? BRENNAN: Then she dug up your ancestor's bones to use them in what you call "dark rites." EMBER: What are you talking about? How could anyone do something like that? I-I had no idea! [CUT.] ACT SIX [INT: JEFFERSONIAN HALLWAY. BRENNAN is walking swiftly and SWEETS follows. CLARK is approaching. They all enter the bone room.] CLARK: Dr. Brennan. I finally got the results back on the powder Dr. Hodgins collected on the pathway around the victim's house. SWEETS: Oh, the circular path. Yeah, yeah. Usually the person standing inside the circle is safe from the dark forces. In this case, oddly, everything inside the circle was destroyed. CLARK: So the powder was... BRENNAN: Angela isn't here for a computer re-creation, so we have to make do. [CLARK distributes rubber gloves.] BRENNAN: Please hold 1 and 4 in the proper position. Sweets, it's bilateral; do the same. Booth believes a witch named Ember to be the k*ller, but the victim was a large heavily muscled woman. CLARK: But Ember wasn't strong enough. BRENNAN: I observed her in the woods. She and the other Wiccans were standing in a circle, taking turns with their ceremonial object. These s*ab marks... reflect a similar pattern. [She goes to the wall where x-rays are displayed.] BRENNAN: Now these injuries... are clustered. [She takes a pen and marks the points on the x-ray.] Five groupings of three. CLARK: So a total of 15 strikes. SWEETS: In the same pattern as the dots on the chimney. [BRENNAN links the marks to create a pentagram.] SWEETS [cont]: It's a pentagram. It's an ancient Wiccan symbol that stands for solidarity--some say sisterhood. BRENNAN: There are 15 women in the Circle of Moonwick. [She circles the points.] Ember alone wasn't the k*ller. The entire coven took part. SWEETS: No, they're Wiccans, though. They're white witches. They stand for goodness. CLARK: What if they were stoned out of their minds? [SWEETS and BRENNAN look at him incredulously.] CLARK: Look, the powder on the path is called Secale cereale: rye flour. And it's infested with the fungus Claviceps purpurea. BRENNAN: Formed in the ergot stage of fungal development. It's hallucinogenic--the natural substance from which LSD is derived. SWEETS: Yes. It was used for ceremonial purposes centuries ago in Salem. Some people think that the exact same substance was responsible for the hysteria surrounding the Witch Trials in the first place. CLARK: Those naked ladies were trippin'. SWEETS: Add that to their rituals, they may have thought the demon they were slaying was real. [CUT.] [INT: FBI CONFERENCE ROOM. All Wiccans are present, with SWEETS, BRENNAN and BOOTH.] ROWAN: Wiccans do not ingest any kind of consciousness-altering drugs. BOOTH: Not on purpose. SWEETS: We believe you were performing a ritual meant to keep Zephyra's evil from spreading past the circle. BRENNAN: A ritual using rye flour. ROWAN: We use rye flour in many ceremonies. SWEETS: Yeah, and it has LSD fungus in it. It's what made you afraid of Zephyra. You thought that her obsession with the black arts could destroy you. BRENNAN: You also knew that she had Ember's ancestor's bones on her side. BOOTH: You're, you're, you're good witches. You're nice people. You don't lie, but when you make a mistake, you want to make that mistake right, right? EMBER: We were just trying to help. We wanted Zephyra to live in harmony, but she kept cursing at us and casting spells. We were just trying to restore the balance. [CUT.] [INT: JAIL CELL. HODGINS and ANGELA are facing each other with their hands joined. The camera pans up to reveal the JUDGE and SHERIFF standing nearby.] JUDGE: Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today to join in holy wedded matrimony Angela Pearly Gates Montenegro and Jack Stanley Hodgins IV. ANGELA: Um, there's, um, there's one small problem. HODGINS: Please don't change your mind. ANGELA: Oh, no. That's not it. It's, um... that's not my real name. JUDGE: How bad could it be? HODGINS: Yeah, did you get mine? It's Stanley. ANGELA: Yeah, uh... yeah. Well, my dad is, um, he's sort of unique, and, well, he's Texan, and, uh... other things, so... do you mind if I just, if I whisper it to you? JUDGE: That'll work. HODGINS: Thank you. [ANGELA whispers her name to the JUDGE, who makes a surprised face and nods.] JUDGE: We are here to wed these two people. Vows? HODGINS: Vows. Um... Angela-- or whatever your name is... I'm your guy. ANGELA: Stanley... we're gonna live together and we're gonna love together and we're gonna have so much fun, and a little pain, and we're gonna live a life that's gonna make other people die with jealousy wishing they were us. JUDGE: Do you have rings? HODGINS: Yes, yes. [He pulls out a gold wedding band.] ANGELA: Where'd you get that? HODGINS: I've kept this in my wallet since our first wedding. SHERIFF [suspiciously]: What? HODGINS [assuring him]: No, we didn't go through with it. Where'd you get that? ANGELA: I'll tell you later. HODGINS: Oh. Oh... ANGELA: Yeah. JUDGE: You may exchange the rings. [They exchange rings. The ring ANGELA gives HODGINS is small, and they put it on his little finger instead.] JUDGE: By the power vested in me and the state of Maryland, I now pronounce you [HODGINS and ANGELA kiss] husband and wife. You may... [They are already kissing. The SHERIFF tosses confetti on them in an adorably enthusiastic manner. They continue kissing, confetti strewn in their hair.] [CUT.] [We see a variety of DC landscape and monument sh*ts.] [EXT: DINER.] BOOTH [OS]: They were good people. [We find them inside the diner.] BRENNAN: Good people who butchered another human being. BOOTH: Well, you know, they were being att*cked. They weren't in their right mind, and sometimes, you know, people--they just get carried away. BRENNAN: Well, crazy people. [BOOTH pulls out a little paper effigy.] BRENNAN [suspiciously]: What is that? BOOTH: This was given to me by the witches. Look, it's you, Little Bones. BRENNAN: No, it's not. BOOTH [laughing]: Yes, it is, you see? The witch said that if I b*rned this in your presence, then the wish I make for you will come true. [He opens a lighter.] BRENNAN: You think I care, but I don't. It's just superstition. And for superstition to work, the person has to believe that he or she is cursed or under a spell--watch you don't burn your fingers! BOOTH: Want to know what I wished for? BRENNAN: No, it doesn't matter. Completely irrelevant. BOOTH: I wished... I wished that you could find happiness. BRENNAN: I don't know what that means. BOOTH: Happiness. Love, laughter, friendship, purpose... and a dance. BRENNAN: Oh. Well, then thank you. BOOTH [triumphantly]: Ah... BRENNAN: Why is that funny? BOOTH: 'Cause, you know, you wouldn't have thanked me if you didn't think that part of it was true. BRENNAN: No, I was, I was thanking you for your kindness, not because I believed in the outcome. BOOTH: Ah, I detected relief. BRENNAN: No, no, you didn't. BOOTH: Relief, that the mojo was good and not bad. BRENNAN: Okay, now you're just mixing up belief systems. BOOTH: Really? Okay, you want me to burn another one? BRENNAN: No, smoke isn't allowed--how many do you have? BOOTH: I've got a lot. [Fade out. THE END.]

{"type": "series", "show": "Bones", "episode": "05x20 - The Witch in the Wardrobe"}

foreverdreaming

THE BOY WITH THE ANSWER (Open: We hear a heartbeating. Brennan is running through what looks like a warehouse. She scared. She runs into a fence, unable to escape but then she hears a voice calling out to her.) HODGINS: Help me! Help me! (She runs towards the sound of Hodgins' voice. He's strapped to a conveyor belt, bleeding.) BRENNAN: Hodgins! HODGINS: Help me! BRENNAN: Hodgins! HODGINS: Dr. Brennan! (Just as she gets to him, he's pulled away on the conveyor belt. She can't reach him.) BRENNAN: Hodgins. HODGINS!! (She hears another voice of in the distant. It's Booth. She runs toward the sound of his voice and finds him trapped in room.) BOOTH: Boooonneeesss. BRENNAN: Booth! Booth! BOOTH: Stay with me! BRENNAN: Booth! (She tries to open the door. He's pounding on it. Then she sees the water rushing in the room behind him. He's going to drown if she doesn't save him. She continues to pound on the door. Ahand reaches from behind her and covers her mouth and she sees the water overtake him. The next second she 'wake up' and finds herself in clear box and she realizes she's stuck in a grave. She looks up and sees Heather Taffet with a shovel. Taffet starts to shovel dirt into the hole. Brennan screams and pounds her fists on the case. Taffet laughs. Brennan jolts awake. It was all just a nightmare.) (Cut to: Brennan's Apartment. She's in the kitchen, getting ready for work while watching the news.) REPORTER: (on tv screen) The Gravedigger case finally begins today with an evidentiary hearing. The defendant, prominent federal prosecutor, Heather Taffet, will be defending herself against multiple charges of kidnapping and m*rder. One charge involves 10 year old Terrence Gilroy, who has never been found. Testimony is expected from three kidnapping victims: Seeley Booth, an Agent with the FBI, as well as scientists Jack Hodgins and Temperance Brenann from the Jeffersonian... (Brennan turns off the Tv. She's heard enough. You can tell she's really been affected by this case.) (Cut to: Courthouse. Booth and Brennan are in the hallway.) BOOTH: You okay, Bones? BRENNAN: Of course, why wouldn't I be? BOOTH: Well, we're about to come head to head with the woman who tried to k*ll both of us. BRENNAN: So are you. Are you okay? BOOTH: SUre. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just checking in. Just wanted to make sure you're okay and if you need anything, I'm - BRENNAN: It's just another case, Booth. BOOTH: Right. BRENNAN: (stopping) Dad! (Max Brennan walks towards them) BOOTH: Max. BRENNAN: Wha-what are you doing here? MAX: Just thought you should have a little support from somebody who's been through the legal system a few times. BRENNAN: Why is everyone treating me like a child? MAX: Because I don't want you to get your hopes up. This is far from a slam dunk. BOOTH: That's exactly why Caroline here. Alright? We have five cases, multiple counts: Bones, Hodgins, the 10 year old boy.. MAX: Whose body has never been found. Your prosecutor's getting desperate. BOOTH: Max, she knows what she's doing. Okay? BRENNAN: I thought you were here for support, dad? (Cut to: Courtroom. Brennan is seated in the front row between Max & Booth. Hodgins, Angela & Cam are seated right behind them. Heather Taffet is brought into the court room. She's wearing an orange jumper and handcuffs and eyes Booth, Brennan & Hodgins.) JUDGE REILLY DUFREY: Okay. You all ready to play nice? CAROLINE JULIAN: Always, Your Honor. HEATHER TAFFET: Your Honor, since I'm representing myself - I'd like to request that my shackles be removed while I'm in court? CAROLINE JULIAN: This is only an evidentary hearing, Your Honor. There's no jury to prejudice and frankly, I feel a bit more secure with her in chains. JUDGE DUFREY: Spare us the dramatic flourishes, Miss Julian. When we go to trial, we can revisit the request, Miss Taffet. First witness. (Cut to: The next scene cuts between everyone taking the stand) CAM: Burn marks were found on the victims that were consistent with injuries one would sustain from a 3 million volt stun g*n. BOOTH: The stun g*n was found in the suspects storage locker. It matches the stun g*n that was used on the att*ck on me.. HODGINS: The suspects steel-toed boots were also found in the storage locker. HEATHER TAFFET: This storage locker was found with information obtained illegally, wasn't it? CAM: We didn't know that at the time, Your Honor. We obtained a legal warrant to search the locker. HEATHER TAFFET: The fact that Agent Booth's brother gave you the lead didn't make you suspicious? BRENNAN: He was an officer assigned to Homeland Security. We had no reason to question the information provided. CAROLINE JULIAN: The warrant was obtained without malice. HEATHER TAFFET: That's irrelevant, Your Honor. Everything found in that storage locker should be dismissed. CAROLINE JULIAN: I submit that a warrant wasn't even necessary. Under precedent of imminent danger - law authority have the duty to enter that storage locker without a valid warrant. Agent Booth's life was in danger. HEATHER TAFFET: Imminent danger applies only if law enforcement hears a violent thr*at or struggle at the scene. JUDGE DUFREY: I'm sorry, Miss Julian. No matter how pure the intention, the warrant was obtained illegally. Therefore, any and all evidence gathered during the search and seizure is inadmissible. HEATHER TAFFET: Thank you, Your Honor. JUDGE DUFREY: This was not a personal favor, Miss Taffet. I am restrained by the law. HEATHER TAFFET: I'd like to move that all charges be dropped, Your Honor. CAROLINE JULIAN: You'd like that, wouldn't you? We still have dirt samples from the crime scene. The ransom tapes.. HEATHER TAFFET: Your Honor, this is a waste of the courts time and the tax payers money. CAROLINE JULIAN: If I lose, I'll send everyone a note of apology. JUDGE DUFREY: You aren't left with much, Miss Julian. You sure you want to proceed? (Caroline looks at Taffet and then turns around and looks at Booth, Brennan and Hodgins and she knows that they need this.) CAROLINE JULIAN: (adamantely) Yes, Your Honor. JUDGE DUFREY: Okay. The charges stand. We're going to trial. Court is adjourned. (Taffet walks over to where Brennan is.) HEATHER TAFFET: If you're so brillant, Dr. Brennan, why couldn't you find something as simple as the number? (The guards take her away as Booth comes up next to Brennan.) BOOTH: You alright? What'd she say? BRENNAN: She says I missed some evidence. BOOTH: What evidence? BRENNAN: She doesn't think I can find it. [OPENING CREDITS] (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. Angela is running a program through the computer. Brennan enters.) BRENNAN: Booth is getting her arrest records as well as old case files from when she was a prosecutor. ANGELA: Okay, uh, I'm pulling every record we have so far associated with Taffet. Social security numbers, birthdates, blood test results. CAM: Ages of the victims? ANGELA: Got those. I'm using a recursive search algorithim, which analyzes and cross references the data. Since they're related, any inconsistencies can raise a red flag. HODGINS: I think Taffet is just messing with us again. SWEETS: I have to disagree. Her pathology is consistent; this is all a game to her. She won the first round so now she's upping the stakes by challenging Dr. Brennan. HODGINS: Yeah, or maybe she knows there's something in the soil samples we already have so she's just trying to distract us. SWEETS: YOu analyzed those soil samples a hundred times. HODGINS: Are you telling me to give up, Sweets? SWEETS: No, of course not. But I mean, I understand the need to cling to anything.. HODGINS: Cling. Okay, so I'm crazy now. SWEETS: That's not what I meant. CAM: Go, Dr. Hodgins. Look at the soil again. You may find something. (Hodgins leaves.) ANGELA: You know, he still gets nightmares. Says he wakes up in a sweat. SWEETS: I should have been more sensitive. (to Brennan) This must be difficult for you too. If you need any.. BRENNAN: I'm fine. What about the weight and size of the victims remains? ANGELA: Yeah. That's a good idea. I'll check it out. (Brennan leaves.) (Cut to: Royal Diner. Caroline enters the diner carrying a box and sets it on Booth's table.) CAROLINE JULIAN: Here are the first set of documents you asked for. More numbers than I've ever seen in my life. BOOTH: Right. Thanks. You okay? CAROLINE JULIAN: Oh, you mean because this case is a career k*ller? I'm cute. I can always find a job. BOOTH: Well, they're gonna come up with something. They always do. Right? CAROLINE JULIAN: Do you really believe that, Cherie? BOOTH: Well, they saved my life, remember? That was impossible. CAROLINE JULIAN: Well, I'll give you that one. So, how's your girlfriend holding up? BOOTH: She's fine. She's not my girlfriend. CAROLINE JULIAN: Oh, so those little looks between you... BOOTH: Nothing. CAROLINE JULIAN: Right. I hope you're more believeable on the stand. Have Angela run these numbers as quickly as she can. The judge isn't gonna give me more than a day. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. Angela is listening to the Gravediggers ransom tape from the latest victim.) GRAVEDIGGER: (AUDIO) If I don't receive the money in the numbered account within 8 hours, your child will die. This is the last time you will hear from me. There will be no further communications. (Hodgins enters) HODGINS: What happened to the numbers? ANGELA: Well, I came up dry. Brennan and Booth are compliling another set but until then, I'm trying to drag Taffet's voice from these ransom tapes. HODGINS: Well, any luck? ANGELA: She used a variable band inversion, so the wave is broken up into hundreds of small sections. Each section scrambled with different frequency sequencing. HODGINS: You didn't ask me if I found anything new in the soil samples. ANGELA: Did you? HODGINS: No. Of course not. Sweets was right. You knew that. I'm barely keeping it together here, Ange. ANGELA: Well, you were uh, you were sane enough to marry me. HODGINS: I don't feel strong enough to tell anybody yet. I feel like she's still got me locked up, you know? I mean, when I see her there's just this, um, anger. I mean, it's like a helplessness that comes- ANGELA: I know. I know. HODGINS: When I was buried in that car, I didn't think I was ever going to see you again. And now, I feel like she's still in between us. ANGELA: Well, she's not. Look at me. She's not. Nobody can get between us. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Brennan's Office.) BOOTH: Come on, Bones. You've been at it for hours. You gotta eat something. BRENNAN: In a little while. Her old court documents from when she was a prosecutor have case numbers, criminal code numbers and then there are zip codes. BOOTH: Well, that's great and all but it's not going to be any good if you starve yourself to death. (He put a contain of Chinese food on the table in front of her.) BRENNAN: She was laughing at me, I - I can't let her win. BOOTH: She won't. BRENNAN: You hope. She may be amoral, but she is brilliant. BOOTH: Well, you're more brilliant. BRENNAN: What if her dispassion makes her more logical. What if that gives her and advantage over me? BOOTH: Wait a minute. Now you're upset because you're not more like a psychopath? BRENNAN: I just think...maybe I've lost my advantage because of all the people I've involved with now. All of the relationships, they complicate logical thought. BOOTH: You don't mean that. BRENNAN: Could we please just work. BOOTH: Sure. (Brennan reaches for the food container while Booth picks up a file.) BOOTH: Salt Lake City? BRENNAN: What? BOOTH: When we arrested Taffet she used her one phone call from jail to Salt Lake City - area code 801. BRENNAN: Well, she's representing herself, so it couldn't be to a lawyer. (Booth dials the phone) BRENNAN: Who would she call in Salt Lake City? VOICE: Larry's Pizza. How may I help you? (He hangs up. They're both confused.) (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Booth's Office.) BOOTH: None of the employees at the pizza place have a connection to Taffet. None of 'em here have any criminal records. BRENNAN: The phone records show that Taffet hung up after 10 seconds. BOOTH: She didn't request another call. BRENNAN: Angela's matching the number with the numerical sequencing program. This is the number, Booth. This has to be the number. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. She's running numbers on the screen again) ANGELA: I'm running a numerical sequencing program to see if there's a match with any of our victims. I'm coming up with nothing. (A number starts to form on the screen) ANGELA: Oh, my god. The number is a GPS location. (The program narrows in on a small spot in Nottoway County, Virginia.) (Cut to: Crime Scene in Virgina. An officer is putting up caution tape as Booth and Brennan arrive.) BOOTH: So, everybody out. BRENNAN: Oh, god. BOOTH: Oh, god. (Brennan approaches the old freezer and slides down the top section) BOOTH: It's the kid, isn't it? BRENNAN: (using a flashlight) Terrence Gilroy had a remodeled right ulna from a break when he was 8. (She reaches in and lifts the ulna. It's remodeled.) BRENNAN: Yeah. This is the boy she kidnapped. BOOTH: I'll call the parents. BRENNAN: Why did she lead us here, Booth? Why did she want us to find him? (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform. Brennan and Hodgins are about to start examining the remains of Terrence Gilroy when Caroline stops her.) CAROLINE JULIAN: Hands off! SECURITY GUARD: Ma'am! (Caroline sets off the alarms as she enters the platform.) CAROLINE JULIAN: No one touches a thing! HODGINS: What are you talking about? BRENNAN: This is our chance to get some hard evidence they can't dismiss. CAROLINE JULIAN: Not if you touch it. You can't act as an expert witness in a case when you are also a victim. HODGINS: We aren't victims in this crime. CAROLINE JULIAN: We filed one complaint with seven counts. Since the trial started, you and Dr. Brennan are linked to all the crimes. BRENNAN: That's why Taffet wanted us to find the boY. She knows we're the only people who have the skills to connect her to the crime. HODGINS: And now our hands are tied. BRENNAN: Not if you drop our case. HODGINS: Excuse me? BRENNAN: If Caroline doesn't prosecute our kidnappings, we'd be free to testify as expert witnesses in the boys case. CAROLINE JULIAN: You'd be willing to do that? HODGINS: Noooo. No. Caroline has to prosecute our case. Taffet tried to k*ll us. BRENNAN: All of our evidence has been thrown out. The rational thing to do is to persue a case with fresh, untained evidence. HODGINS: Are you kidding me?! Is it really that easy for you to forget what happened to us? BRENNAN: I will never forget what happened to us. Or to Booth. Or this boy. You are not the only one suffering, Dr. Hodgins but your emotions have no relevance. Not if we want to convict Taffet. HODGINS: (throwing his gloves on the table) This better work. (He leaves the platform.) CAROLINE JULIAN: I'll have the charges dismissed in the morning; you can start right after that. (Cut to: Brennan's Apartment. She's reading through the files when she hears a knock at the door. She looks through the peep hole; It's Booth.) BOOTH: So the Gilroy kid? He was last seen at the Rockland Mall on June 23. I'm gonna check all Taffet's credit card records for that day too. BRENNAN: Caroline said you can't give expert testimony if she's prosecuting your case. BOOTH: I told Caroline to drop my charges too. I'm not gonna let you do this alone. She's gonna see the judge tomorrow morning at 10 and then we can dive in on all this. BRENNAN: Thanks, Booth. BOOTH: We're partners. That's what we do. Right? BRENNAN: If Taffet is acquitted on this count, she can never be tried again. Maybe that's why she wanted us to find the boy. BOOTH: Yeah, well she arrogant, like Sweets said. And she's misjudging you. BRENNAN: I have nightmares, Booth. Hodgins is bleeding, you're drowning. I-I can't help anyone. BOOTH: Alright, you know what? She's never gonna get the better of you, alright? Just know that. Alright? I promise. Okay? (He hugs her - she hugs him back) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform. Brennan & Cam are examing Terrence Gilroy's remains.) BRENNAN: These are peri-mortem fractures, bi-laterally on the fifth, sixth and seventh ribs. On the posterior axillary. CAM: And injuries to the greater cornu and the left lateral thyroid and cricoid cartilages. I see injuries like this in victims who've been strangled. BRENNAN: Perhaps he struggled and Taffet was trying to subdue him. CAM: Taffet tasered all her victims - three million volts - that should be enough to knock out a 10 year old boy for at least a few hours. BRENNAN: He wasn't unconscious. These are defensive wounds. Consistent with the boy resisting being placed in the freezer; arms out-stretched. CAM: I'll take samples from under his fingernails. Maybe he scratched her during the struggle. BRENNAN: Maybe she knew that facts in this case wouldn't be consistent with the other crimes and would give her reasonable doubt. (Cut to: Courtroom - Booth is testifying over a montage of Brennan & Hodgins gathering evidence) BOOTH: We have evidence from credit card charges that the defendent was at the Rockland Mall the day that Terrence Gilroy was abducted. The team at the Jeffersonian discovered that the number Taffet called, turned out to be the same as the GPS coordinates as to where the boy was buried. Same M.O., same ransom tape, same demands as the other kidnappings. HEATHER TAFFET: Do you have any evidence that the Gilroy boy was abducted from the mall. BOOTH: It was the last place he was seen. HEATHER TAFFET: So, no. Did anyone else make any purchases at the mall that day or was it just me? BOOTH: Of course they did. HEATHER TAFFET: As for the phone call, that I alledgely made, is it possible that the number was placed in my file by mistake? CAROLINE JULIAN: Objection! Conjecture. JUDGE DUFREY: Sustained. HEATHER TAFFET: Did you know the officer on duty the night I was arrested was from Salt Lake? (This is news to Caroline & Booth) Answer the question, Agent Booth. BOOTH: No. HEATHER TAFFET: Isn't it more likely that he made that call and the number was placed in my file by mistake. CAROLINE JULIAN: Objection! Conjecture again. HEATHER TAFFET: I thought it was reasonable doubt. Very reasonable. CAROLINE JULIAN: Your Honor. HEATHER TAFFET: Withdrawn. No further questions, Your Honor. (Cut to: Courthouse. Booth is leaving the courtroom when he runs into Max.) MAX: You know that Taffet's playing you, right? BOOTH: We're fine, Max. MAX: No. She's got you all on defense. BOOTH: We got the boy, alright? MAX: It's cause she wanted you to. BOOTH: Every psycho takes one step too far and hangs themself. MAX: Not before a lot of innocent people get hurt. I'll see ya later. (Max leaves Booth wondering what he was talking about.) (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Sweet's Office. He hears a knock on the door - it's Cam.) CAM: Hey. Sorry to bother you. Do you have a minute? SWEETS: Yeah, sure. (Cam enters and sits down) SWEETS: How's it going? CAM: I don't know, actually. It's why I'm here. I'm - I'm worried, Dr. Sweets. I - I - this case is taking its toll on everyone. SWEETS: Including you? CAM: Including me. Yes. SWEETS: It's a very stressful situtaion, I mean, you're not immune to that. CAM: I feel like everything's fraying around the edges. We're all searching for some piece of evidence that can put Taffet away but we keep coming up empty. Everyone feels manipulated by her and I-I should be able to pull everyone together - keep them on track.. SWEETS: You want to guarentee the outcome. (She nods her head) I wish that were possible. You know, we knew this was gonna be an uphill battle. CAM: But did we really believe that? We all knew she was guilty, so someplace we assume that, in a just world, she'd pay for what she did. SWEETS: That assumes a just world, I'm afraid. CAM: These...are my people she hurt. My friends. I should...be able to do something. SWEETS: I know. (Cut to: Outside the jail. The Sheriff's Department van is bringing Taffet back for the day. Max emerges from just beyond the fence - r*fle in hand. They bring Taffet out, Max aims the r*fle. She's in his crosshairs and he's about to sh**t when he hears Booth call his name.) BOOTH: Max. You didn't think I was gonna follow you. (Booth starts runnign towards him when he realizes what he's about to do. Max tries to line up the sh*t but Booth tackles him to the ground before he can.) BOOTH: Max, this is what you want? MAX: Don't trust the system, Booth! BOOTH: You miss, you compromise the case, Taffet walks. MAX: I don't miss. (Max punches Booth and goes for his g*n. Booth gets back up and punches him back BOOTH: When are you gonna learn to stop messing with me, huh? MAX: You're making a big mistake; Tempe could die. BOOTH: okay, up. Come on. (He pulls Max off the ground) (Cut to: FBI Headquarters. Booth and Brennan are getting off the elevator.) BRENNAN: He tried to k*ll her? BOOTH: Well, he had a r*fle pointed right at her so you do the math. BRENNAN: Why, why would he do that? BOOTH: To protect you and a career criminal, like Max, he obviously doesn't trust the legal system. BRENNAN: Wha-I'm sorry. I wish he were different. BOOTH: Yeah, me too. You know, he socked me in the eye too. (Brennan's phone rings) BRENNAN: (answering) Brennan. MAX: (on phone, in jail) Hey, honey. I need you to bail me out. BRENNAN: What! No, dad! MAX: I was doing it for you. BRENNAN: No! I don't want you to k*ll people for me! Just buy me a sweater, like a regular dad. BOOTH: (to Max) Leave her alone, Max. BRENNAN: Booth says you're not getting out until after the trial is over. I have to go. MAX: I've got a bad back. You know what the beds are like in jail. BRENNAN: Goodbye, dad. (She hangs up her phone) BOOTH: I'm sorry, Bones. I'm sure this is the last thing you want to deal with. BRENNAN: Yeah. Part of me wishes he did it. BOOTH: Well, not the good parts so let's just keep our eye on the ball. (Brennan nods.) So, any news about the boy? BRENNAN: I'm getting an accurate recreation of the assailant from the fracture patterns on his remains and it's a match for Taffet. I'm putting a presentation together. BOOTH: The kid, he put up a good fight. BRENNAN: There's evidence of strong resistence. Yes. BOOTH: At least he didn't go easy. (He picks up a picture of Parker.) Parker, he'd do the same thing. Probably bite her ear off and run. BRENNAN: What, he'd bite her? BOOTH: Yeah. 10 year olds...it's kinda their thing. Bite. (Brennan realizes something) BRENNAN: I have to get back to the lab. (She runs out of his office) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform.) BRENNAN: If the boy bit her, there should be some evidence on his maxilla, mandible or his teeth. HODGINS: The teeth seem to have been cleaned. Taffet probably wiped them off. BRENNAN: Second left premolar is chipped. There might be some trace in the abrasion, maybe some tissue from Heather Taffet. HODGINS: Saliva contains amylase that would have broken down any bits of tissue. BRENNAN: Not if it were imbedded between the teeth or under the gum line. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. Angela, Hodgins & Cam are listening to the results of Angela's work on the audio. The audio is still a bit jumbled, but you can definitely start to hear Taffet's voice coming through.) THE GRAVEDIGGER: If I don't receive the money in the numbered account within eight hours, your child will die. This is the last... ANGELA: Okay, this encryption is a rolling code split band voice inversion. Individual frequencies between the clicks are inverted and recombined. I applied software that decrypts each of the 423 separate segments until the voice becomes clear. THE GRAVEDIGGER: If I don't receive the money in the numbered account within eight hours, your child will die. This is the last time you will hear from me. There will be no further... (Audio becomes clear - it's Heather Taffet) CAM: You did it, Angela. It's Taffet. ANGELA: Like to see her explain away that one. THE GRAVEDIGGER: (audio) If I don't receive the money in the numbered account within eight hours, your child will die. (Cut to: Fade into Courthouse - Courtroom. Angela is on the stand playing the decrypted audio clip of the ransom tape) THE GRAVEDIGGER: (audio) This is the last time you will hear from me. There will be no further communications. CAROLINE JULIAN: And in your expert opinion, Ms. Montenegro, whose voice is that? ANGELA: It's Heather Taffet. The frequency and vocal patterns are an exact match when compared to unencrypted recordings of her voice. CAROLINE JULIAN: Thank you. No further questions. HEATHER TAFFET: That was very impressive, Ms. Montenegro. Could you share your credentials with the court? ANGELA: I have a bachelor of fine arts from the University of Texas with a minor in computer science. And I've also studied biomedical illustration at American University. HEATHER TAFFET: But you do not have a degree in sound engineering, is that correct? ANGELA: No. CAROLINE JULIAN: Objection. Ms. Montenegro has numerous patents pending from her work in auditory forensic reconstruction. HEATHER TAFFET: The homeless man on my street has a patent pending for a time machine. That doesn't mean I'm going to ask him to testify in court. JUDGE DUFREY: That's enough, Ms. Taffet. Do you have anything else for this witness? HEATHER TAFFET: Yes, Your Honor. I'd like to introduce into evidence item 461B, which is a deconstruction of the same ransom tape by former FBI special Agent Graham Steele, who has a Phd in forensic auditory analysis from the University of Pennsylvania. ANGELA'S VOICE: (audio) If I don't receive the money in the numbered account within eight hours, your child will die. This is the last time you will hear from me. There will be no further communications. ANGELA: Th-that isn't me. He obviously manipulated the pitch and the timbre of the voice. HEATHER TAFFET: Isn't that what you did? ANGELA: No. Those sound waves have an underlying pattern of frequency modulation. Like a fingerprint. HEATHER TAFFET: Whatever the technical jargon, it seems clear that anyone, even someone without any credentials, can make one voice sound like another. CAROLINE JULIAN: Objection! Counsel is making speeches. JUDGE DUFREY: Sustained. HEATHER TAFFET: I'm sorry, Your Honor. No further questions. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Brennan's Office. Booth walks in.) BOOTH: Hey, Bones, you ready for court? BRENNAN: Yes. I have a video presentation which shows the victim sustained rib fractures as well as a fracture of the lateral epicondyle of the left distal... BOOTH: What do you say we ease up on the scientific stuff, okay? BRENNAN: The science gives us the height of the assailant. 162 centimeters. Taffet's height. BOOTH: That's...that's..that's good and all, but Taffet's kind of had a field day, you know, trashing the whole technical goobledy stuff. And the jury seems to like her for it. BRENNAN: But those are the facts. BOOTH: It's how you present the facts that win or lose a case. Bones, the jury needs to know what that little boy went through. BRENNAN: I've - I've testified before, Booth. I'll be fine. We-we should go. BOOTH: Okay. (Cut to: Courthouse - Courtroom. Brennan is on the stand, testifying to what happened to Terrence Gilroy) BRENNAN: Terrence Gilroy's left greater cornu of the hyoid was compressed, indicating that the assailant strangled the young boy using only one hand--the dominant left hand, in this case. CAROLINE JULIAN: I'd like to submit writing samples which confirm that the defendant is left-handed. HEATHER TAFFET: No objection, as long as it's also noted that 8% of the general population is also left-handed. Including you, Your Honor. JUDGE DUFREY: Continue. BRENNAN: The victim sustained a fracture of the lateral epicondyle and the shaft of the left distal humerus. (she looks at Booth) Perhaps I can be clearer. Terrence Gilroy's bones could only have been broken by someone kneeling on top of him as they pushed him into the freezer. The radiating fracture lines show that this assailant had to be between 125 and 135 pounds-- the weight of the defendant. HEATHER TAFFET: Objection. This is speculation. BRENNAN: Are you questioning my qualifications? Because you will not find a more experienced or respected forensic anthropologist anywhere in the world. So I'd appreciate not being interrupted until I finish testifying. JUDGE DUFREY: Dr. Brennan, I'll make the rulings here. Overruled. Continue. BRENNAN: Since these broken bones were caused by the assailant's knees and the chipping on the boy's kneecaps was caused by the toes of her heavy boots, we can determine the length of her shin. CAROLINE JULIAN: And what is the significance of the shin length? BRENNAN: It gives us the height of the assailant, which is five feet, four inches. The same height as the defendant. It is clear from the circumstantial evidence and these facts that this child was att*cked with vicious cruelty by Ms. Taffet. HEATHER TAFFET: Objection. The jury makes that determination, not the witness. BRENNAN: The five-foot-four assailant - crushed the boy's chest, choked him and finally caused him a torturous death by burying him alive. HEATHER TAFFET: Objection. Speculation. She can't know what the witness felt. BRENNAN: I was buried alive. Which makes me uniquely qualified to comment on its horror. HEATHER TAFFET: Objection, Your Honor. This is grandstanding. Unless the witness has any additional facts... JUDGE DUFREY: Sustained. Do you have any further questions for Dr. Brennan, Ms. Julian? CAROLINE JULIAN: No, Your Honor. I learned everything I need to know. Your witness. HEATHER TAFFET: Dr. Brennan, don't you think your trauma as a kidnapping victim prevents you from being objective? CAROLINE JULIAN: Objection. She is testifying as an expert witness, not a victim. HEATHER TAFFET: She brought up being buried alive, Your Honor. JUDGE DUFREY: She did, Ms. Julian. Overruled. HEATHER TAFFET: It's only natural that you would want to construct facts that would give you some closure and peace. BRENNAN: I resent your implication. I do not let my emotions cloud my findings. HEATHER TAFFET: No, not intentionally, of course. CAROLINE JULIAN: Is there a question coming? HEATHER TAFFET: Yes. Sorry. Dr. Brennan, you are currently seeing an FBI psychologist, are you not? BRENNAN: What - that has nothing to do with... HEATHER TAFFET: A yes or no is all that's required, Dr. Brennan. Are you currently seeing an FBI psychologist? BRENNAN: Yes, but... HEATHER TAFFET: Thank you. No further questions. BRENNAN: No, that has nothing to do with this case. My findings are sound. JUDGE DUFREY: You may step down, Dr. Brennan. BRENNAN: My findings are sound. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. A picture of a dust mite is on the screen) CAM: A dust mite? SWEETS: So that little bug is gonna save us? HODGINS: Oh, don't call him a bug. Sounds insulting. We reexamined the boy's teeth and found it wedged between the right lateral incisor and canine. Dust mites eat d*ad human skin cells and this one's stomach sac is full. CAM: If the boy bit Taffet, the skin cells are probably hers. Whatever's left is gonna be small, but there might be enough to give us DNA. (Cut to: Courthouse - Courtroom. Hodgins is on the stand.) HODGINS: This is a dermatophagoides farinae. CAROLINE JULIAN: For those of us who don't speak insect, what is that, exactly? HODGINS: It's a dust mite: an insect found on clothes, but it also feeds on the cells of the person wearing those clothes. CAROLINE JULIAN: And where was this dust mite found? HODGINS: Between Terrence Gilroy's teeth. It was transferred there when the boy bit the person who kidnapped him. CAROLINE JULIAN: And how do we know that? (Cut to: Courthouse - Courtroom. Cam is now on the stand.) CAM: The dust mite contained human female epithelial cells. We extracted those cells and ran them through several DNA databases. The cells belonged to Heather Taffet. CAROLINE JULIAN: Nothing further, your honor. JUDGE DUFREY: Your witness, Ms. Taffet. HEATHER TAFFET: It seems that you have neglected to include a sample of the evidence that I could have tested independently. CAM: Since there were so few cells in the mite, the testing destroyed the sample, but the procedures and results are all contained in our documentation. HEATHER TAFFET: Let me get this right. I have access to your notes, but I can't examine the actual evidence because you destroyed it? CAROLINE JULIAN: Your Honor, in California versus Trombetta, the Supreme Court ruled that the prosecution could destroy a sample to test for DNA because there was no bad faith. HEATHER TAFFET: Bad faith? The motives of every single person at the Jeffersonian are suspect and now their only physical evidence is gone. Ff it existed at all. CAROLINE JULIAN: I've just about had it with your snide, unsubstantiated allegations. HEATHER TAFFET: As have I. JUDGE DUFREY: That's enough, Ms. Julian. HEATHER TAFFET: Your Honor, I would like to file a motion to have this unverifiable DNA evidence dismissed. JUDGE DUFREY: Protocol has been followed, Ms. Taffet. It's up to the jury to decide how the evidence will figure in the outcome of this case. Your motion is denied. (Cut to: Founding Fathers - Booth is bringing drinks over to Brennan - who is sitting at a table already.) BOOTH: Did you see Taffet's face? She was completely blindsided. Okay, Caroline's closing...it's going to k*ll. Alright, so here we go. (they raise their glasses and toast) That's it, huh? (Booth looks at Brennan. She doesn't look happy) Are you okay, Bones? Your team just nailed Taffet. BRENNAN: I'm just tired. BOOTH: Yeah. Yeah. It's been - it's been a tough case. BRENNAN: It's not just the case. I'm tired of...of all of it. I'm tired of dealing with m*rder and victims and sadness and pain. BOOTH: Well, Bones, that's what we do. Alright? We catch the bad people and we make the world a better place. BRENNAN: No, Booth. That's what you do and somehow I got caught up into it. BOOTH: Wait a sec. Hold on. You were dealing with d*ad people long before we got together. BRENNAN: As a researcher, an anthropologist. That's how I can make the world a better place. BOOTH: And you do. Come on. You make the world a great place. Hey. Cheers to that, alright? You're just anxious. Alright? And tomorrow, when we have won, everything will be perfect. It'll be fine. (He looks at her, thinking that this time, he may be wrong. Maybe everything won't be perfect - since it hasn't been for a while.) (Cut to: Courthouse - Courtroom. Caroline Julian and Heather Taffet are presenting their closing arguments.) CAROLINE JULIAN: We are here to seek justice for this 10 year old boy who was kidnapped, brutally beaten and buried alive by Heather Taffet. Taffet was seen where this child was abducted. She matches the size of the assailant. She's left-handed. Her voice was discovered on the ransom tapes. HEATHER TAFFET: It all sounds very reasonable, doesn't it? These so-called facts were compiled by people who themselves were victims of a vicious criminal who has not yet been caught. They need a scapegoat. CAROLINE JULIAN: But only Heather Taffet could have the DNA that was found in this child's mouth. That evidence was delivered to us in death by this brave boy. HEATHER TAFFET: And yet, the only people who saw that dust mite, the only people who touched the alleged epithelial cells were two kidnap victims! One a known conspiracy theorist, the other a traumatized anthropologist who's currently being treated by a psychologist. And Dr. Saroyan, who couldn't perform her job without destroying the evidence, conveniently preventing me from mounting a defense. CAROLINE JULIAN: Because she has no defense, except slandering these experts. They have told you what Heather Taffet did to that boy. HEATHER TAFFET: The law is clear. You cannot convict a person based on innuendo or groundless accusations. I weep for that boy. No child should suffer like that and whoever did this... CAROLINE JULIAN: ...should never be allowed to walk among decent people again. For that boy, for justice, you must return a verdict of... HEATHER TAFFET: Not guilty. Because it's clear that I am a scapegoat. I am innocent. Thank you. (Cut to: Courthouse - Hallway. Everyone is gathered, waiting for the verdict to come back) BOOTH: What'd I tell you, huh? Caroline nailed it in there. HODGINS: Taffet was pretty convincing in there, too. BOOTH: You know what, Hodgins? You ever see the bright side in things? HODGINS: You know what, Booth? You're right. 'cause no matter what happens in there, I've got Angela. ANGELA: Hodgins. HODGINS: It's okay. I don't care, Angie. Look, Taffet's not going to make the rules anymore. I want our friends to know. I want everybody to know. Okay. Angela and I are married. BRENNAN: What? CAM: Ohh... BOOTH: Hey, look at that, huh? BRENNAN: (hugging Angela) When, Ang? ANGELA: In jail. Hodgins wanted to wait until (Brennan hugs Hodgins) this was over so everybody could be happy for us. BRENNAN: This isn't another pregnancy scare, is it? ANGELA: No. No, this is - this is love. (Booth and Brennan look at each other) SWEETS: So, why were you hiding this from us? HODGINS: Ah, I was having trouble dealing with things because of the trial. Then I thought...screw it. CAROLINE JULIAN: The jury's back. (Cut to: Courthouse - Courtroom. Everyone is seated, waiting for the verdict to be read.) JUDGE DUFREY: The defendant will rise for the reading of the verdict. In count one, the kidnapping of Terrence Gilroy, the jury finds the defendant, Heather Taffet, guilty. (everyone starts to mutter) Order, or I will clear the court. In count two, the m*rder of Terrence Gilroy, the jury finds the defendant...Guilty. (Everyone stands up and cheers) The defendant is remanded into custody until sentencing. We are adjourned. (Brennan and Booth hug, then she looks over toward Taffet.) HEATHER TAFFET: (to Brennan) This isn't over. (Brennan looks back at her, worried.) (Cut to: Founding Fathers - The g*ng is all there, having drinks to celebrate their victory.) MAX: I was out of town for a couple of days. Well, I knew Tempe had everything under control. She didn't need me. BRENNAN: Uh-huh. BOOTH: Alright, let's just raise our glasses here. To the squints, okay? Come on. CAM: To Booth. BRENNAN: And Caroline. EVERYONE: Hear, hear. Hear, hear. SWEETS: You know, I never doubted any of you- not for a minute. BOOTH: Where'd you come from? Huh? HODGINS: Oh, come on. CAROLINE JULIAN: Oh, please. BOOTH: Okay, let's not forget the happy couple (he throws confetti at Angela & Hodgins) over here. BRENNAN: Yes, best wishes for a successful blending of familial obligations as well as monetary and property consolidation. What? (Cut to: Outside Founding Fathers. Everyone is leaving and throwing confetti at Hodgins and Angela. CAM: Congratulations! (Hodgins, Angela, Cam and Sweets walk away, celebrating, leaving Brennan and her dad standing on the sidewalk.) MAX: I guess I'll go home. BRENNAN: A real bed is probably going to feel good. MAX: I'm sorry that I, uh... that I doubted you. BRENNAN: Sweets would say that subconsciously you wanted Booth to catch you so you and I wouldn't have to be separated again. (Max hugs Brennan) MAX: Smart guy, that Sweets. I love you, honey. (Booth comes out of Founding Fathers and joins them) BOOTH: Thanks for leaving me with the bill again. That's nice of you. MAX: Your fault, Booth. My wallet got stolen in jail. BOOTH: Yeah. MAX: Bye. (He walks away, leaving Booth & Brennan on the sidewalk, alone) BOOTH: Can't believe they actually got hitched. BRENNAN: I know. (They watch as their friends disappear around the corner at the end of the street.) I have this sense that everything's changing, Booth. BOOTH: Well, not everything. Look, we're still partners. Right? And-and Taffet. She's-she's put away. I mean, you're feeling good about that, right? BRENNAN: You almost died, Booth. That can happen again. What if, next time, I can't get to you? BOOTH: It's not going to happen again. BRENNAN: I envy your ability to substitute optimism for reality. BOOTH: You know what? Maybe you just need to take some time off. Go to a beach. Lay in the sun. BRENNAN: I might need more than a little time. BOOTH: Don't make any decisions about your future right now. BRENNAN: I'm just saying... BOOTH: You know when a dentist gives you anesthetic and tells you not to operate any heavy machinery or make any important decisions within 24 hours? Alright, this case was bigger than a root canal. Come on, let's just go back inside and have one more drink. Come on. Just one. (He reaches for her hand but she pulls away and goes to hail a cab.) BRENNAN: No. I'm tired, Booth. I-I-I'm going to go home. BOOTH: Alright. Come on. Let's-we'll get you in the cab. (the cab pulls up) I know, it's-it's been a long, long day. Alright, get in there, alright? (she gets into the cab) Hey. I'll see you tomorrow, alright? (She doesn't respond. He closes the door and watches as the taxi drives away. She turns around and looks at him. It's like deja vu. They're back at the beginning.) END.

{"type": "series", "show": "Bones", "episode": "05x21 - The Boy with the Answer"}

foreverdreaming

THE BEGINNING IN THE END TEASER: (Open: A young boy is jumping on his bed in his bedroom. White particles are falling from the ceiling, landing on his head and all over his bed. His mother is in another room of the house.) DYLAN: Mom, it's snowing! DYLAN'S MOM: Are you jumping on your bed again, Dylan? DYLAN: Yeah, cause it's snowing! Come make a snowman with me! (Dylan's mother opens the door to his bedroom.) DYLAN'S MOM: Oh, what have you done in here? (She glances up at the ceiling to find that it is cracking and raining down plaster.) Sweetie, come here. (Dylan jumps off the bed and runs to his mom. She peers at his hair.) DYLAN'S MOM: Oh, my God! DYLAN: What's wrong? DYLAN'S MOM: It's not the good kind of snow, honey. (The ceiling cracks and creaks and then breaks apart, raining down all kinds of junk onto the bed where the boy was jumping only moments before. The woman stares in horror as all the stuff from the apartment above hers falls into the bedroom. A decomposed body falls onto the bed and then a skull follows shortly after, bouncing off the bed and onto the floor, covered in maggots. The boy grins.) DYLAN: Cool! Dibs on the skull! (Cut to: The boy's room with all the junk on the bed. Booth is looking around and Brennan is examining the remains.) BOOTH: Who keeps this much junk? Oh, whoa. Wow! Washington Capitals puck from the '80s. That's classic. BRENNAN: Victim is male... in his 40s. BOOTH: That's all you got? I mean, usually you have just a list of specifics I don't even understand. BRENNAN: I'm very distracted. BOOTH: Yeah, I bet you are with all the junk here. BRENNAN: No, not that. You probably heard about the full set of interspecies hominid remains that were found in the Maluku Islands. BOOTH: No, I missed that one. Where's Mypoopoo? BRENNAN: Maluku. Indonesia. Anyway, this could be a crucial link in the evolutionary chain. BOOTH: Could be huge, I bet. But what about the 40 year-old d*ad guy here? BRENNAN: There are apparent perimortem injuries to the temporal and parietal bones, and the squamosal suture. BOOTH: So, he got h*t in the head, huh? Let's go see if what h*t him is upstairs. And I'm keepin' the puck--that's vintage. (Cut to: The floor upstairs. The landlord, Morgan Finley, pulls his keys out of a briefcase to unlock the d*ad man's door.) FINLEY: I tried to get him to clean up his place. He wouldn't answer the door, he wouldn't pick up his phone. BOOTH: Well, it's probably clean by now. Most of his stuff came crashing through the ceiling of the downstairs apartment. FINLEY: Yeah, you know what'd be great? If it didn't get out that Murphy died in the apartment. Makes it tougher to rent. BRENNAN: A big hole in the floor probably makes it less desirable, too. (The door is unlocked and Booth pushes the door open. The squeaking of rodents can be heard and there is clearly a lot of junk in the apartment. There are shelves lined with stuff and it is very enclosed, with barely any room to walk.) BOOTH: Oh, not one of those guys. BRENNAN: What guys? BOOTH: A hoarder. BRENNAN: This is an anthropological microcosm of this man's life. BOOTH: How are we gonna find any pertinent evidence in all this crap? BRENNAN: All this "crap" is evidence, Booth. (Cut to: Booth is sitting on a desk in the victim's apartment while beetles and other insects crawl on the floor. Jack Hodgins walks in with Camille Saroyan right behind him.) HODGINS: Oooh, this is a little slice of heaven. Cockroaches, fleas, rat droppings, bat guano. CAM: One of those guys. BOOTH: Oh, yeah. (A rat squeaks and Booth shifts his feet.) Whoa. Oh. CAM: I think I'll be happier downstairs with the d*ad stuff. (She makes her exit.) BOOTH: Ugh, who could live in this stench? Put on the fan there, will ya? HODGINS: Sense of smell--it's destroyed after a while. Must be a survival mechanism. (Cut to: The apartment below. Brennan and Cam are examining the human remains.) BRENNAN: In the Maluku Islands. It's a remarkable find. CAM: Better than upstairs? BRENNAN: Well, upstairs can't really shed light on the interspecies similarities of human evolution. CAM: Well this guy must've been d*ad for a long time. BRENNAN: Maybe not. Hodgins found so many insects and rodents, they could've cleaned the flesh quite rapidly. Anyway, remains were found on the islands which suggest h*m* floresienses may have mated with early h*m* sapiens. I've been in touch with the organizing committee. CAM: Really? BRENNAN: That shouldn't cause surprise. I'm an anthropologist. CAM: Who's been focusing on m*rder lately. BRENNAN: Lately. BOOTH: (From the apartment above, speaking through the hole in the floor/ceiling.) Hey, down below. You might want to check this out. (Cut to: The victim's apartment. Brennan is picking her way through the rubbish to where Booth and Hodgins are standing.) BRENNAN: Did you find more remains? BOOTH: Not exactly. HODGINS: I did, however, find thirty-six waffle irons. No syrup, though, what's the point? BOOTH: Hodgins. HODGINS: Right. (Clears throat and turns on a flashlight revealing a lot of blood stains on the floor.) Behold. CAM: I'm thinking cause of death might have something to do with blood loss. ACT I (Open: The Jeffersonian Medico-Legal Lab Platform. Intern Daisy Wick, Cam and Brennan are putting the body together to more fully examine it.) DAISY: There. A place for everything. And everything in its place. CAM: The place for this guy's flesh is on his bones, not in the buggy bellies of thousands of maggots. BRENNAN: Dental records confirm that these are the remains of Timothy Daniel Murphy, age forty-eight. DAISY: You'll excuse me if I'm a little bit excited. CAM: Oh, you have a thing for hoarders, do you? DAISY: Oh, Lord, no. They make me a little nauseous, actually, but I have excellent control of my gag reflex. BRENNAN: There are two sets of parallel cleft wounds to the parietal and temporal bones, consistent with an att*ck with some kind of blade. CAM: Hacked to death--that would explain all the blood. DAISY: Weren't we talking about me? CAM: It always seems that way. DAISY: It's just... I've been accepted to go to the Maluku Islands. (She shrieks and Cam visibly flinches.) CAM: Whoa! Hearing loss, Miss Wick! BRENNAN: That is excellent news. CAM: Wow, that did not sound sincere. DAISY: If it weren't for that letter of recommendation you wrote, I would not have made the cut. BRENNAN: Well, I had no idea that recommendation was for the Maluku project. DAISY: But it was. This is amazing. I could be referenced in research materials. (She shrieks again.) CAM: Whoa! Daisy, you have to stop making that noise. Hacking suggests a crime of passion. Any blade marks on the other bones? (She directs the question to Brennan who seems very distracted. She stares at her, then moves to try to get her attention.) Dr. Brennan? BRENNAN: Yes, Ms. Wick is indeed very fortunate. The Maluku anthropological team could influence scientific thought for many years. CAM: Perhaps we could return from the Maluku Islands and focus on the m*rder? (Cut to: The Coffee Cart in the park, outside the FBI Building. Booth and Dr. Lance Sweets are discussing the hoarder investigation.) SWEETS: Disposophobics. BOOTH: What's that? SWEETS: It's the psychiatric term for those who hoard. These photos indicate that the victim was a level five hoarder. BOOTH: Five out of ten? SWEETS: No, out of five. BOOTH: Well, things are usually out of ten. They should be out of ten. (He glances up to see that Colonel Dan Pelant is staring at him. It clearly makes him uncomfortable.) SWEETS: But level five is extremely severe. You'd be classified as a level one. BOOTH: Me? SWEETS: Yeah. I've seen your office, your apartment. You cling. BOOTH: I don't cling, okay? I collect things. It's a big difference. SWEETS: Okay. A level five disposophobic might also be an agoraphobic, which would limit his relationships in the outside world. You'd be dealing with a very small pool of suspects. (He notices the exchange between Pelant and Booth.) Why are you staring at that soldier? BOOTH: That's not a soldier. That's a full bird Colonel in the U.S. Rangers. And you know what? He's staring at me. (He walks up to Pelant.) BOOTH: I hope this is coincidental. PELANT: Most definitely not, Master Sergeant. BOOTH: No, I'm not a master sergeant. FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth. (He flashes his badge.) Why'd they send you? PELANT: I told them you'd talk to me. So far, so good. BOOTH: I'm not talking to you. This is me not talking to you. (He starts to walk away.) PELANT: We're losing men every day, men who don't have to die and wouldn't if you trained them. Your country needs you. BOOTH: Oh, no. Don't say that word. I served my country, Colonel. (He walks back to Sweets at the Coffee Cart, dumping his coffee in the trash on the way.) SWEETS: Who's that guy? BOOTH: Do me a favor, huh? Just head back to the m*rder victim's apartment, see if you can pick out any psychological clues from the garbage, okay? (He sighs and exits. Sweets turns to the Colonel who looks at him for a moment and then turns around and walks away.) (Cut to: Sweets in a jumpsuit is entering the victim's apartment where Hodgins is still working.) SWEETS: Hello? HODGINS: Hey. (He laughs.) Look at you, all squinted up. SWEETS: (Picks at the jumpsuit.) Yeah, they didn't really get me a pair that fits. To be honest, I'm feeling kind of pinched in my... Wow. Those photographs did not lie. HODGINS: Nope. SWEETS: So have you found anything that points to the k*ller? HODGINS: No, not unless he was trying to hoard the hoarder's hoard. SWEETS: Well, there might have been something of value in all this, right? HODGINS: What, you think someone actually tried to take something from here? How would he even know where to look? SWEETS: (Looking around, he spies a snake crossing one of the pathways through the junk.) Oh, oh! Did I just see a snake? HODGINS: Thamnophis sirtalis. It's a common garter snake. SWEETS: We're on the third floor! How does a snake get in here? HODGINS: Probably followed the bats, rats, mice, squirrels, and fleas. There's also extensive termite damage, which explains why the entire floor fell into the apartment below. SWEETS: Four, five, six fans, and there are air fresheners hanging all over the place, so obviously there were complaints by the neighbors. HODGINS: Yep, suspects. I mean, heck, wouldn't you k*ll him if you lived next door to this? SWEETS: (Finds a sword and holds it up.) Whoa! Daisy said that the victim was k*lled by a blade. Hacked to death, maybe. This could be the m*rder w*apon. HODGINS: Yeah, well, you can put it over there with all the others. (He points to a pile of potential m*rder w*apon.) SWEETS: Oh. Well, maybe all of these fell on him and it was just an accident. HODGINS: Uh, no. No, that wouldn't explain the blood spatter. SWEETS: (He sighs.) This is going to be very difficult because everywhere you look, there's a w*apon. (He sees Hodgins at the window looking worried.) What's wrong? HODGINS: (Glances out the window to see Angela's father standing on the sidewalk outside.) He's back. SWEETS: Who's back? HODGINS: Angela's father. (He glances over at Sweets who starts walking over to look out the window. When they look out again, Angela's dad is gone.) Okay, I saw him down there. I know you do not believe me, but I saw him. SWEETS: No, I totally believe you. The man carries a black cat bone in his back pocket. HODGINS: Oh, God help me. (Cut to: FBI Interrogation room. Booth is questioning Mr. Finley about the victim and the state of his apartment.) FINLEY: Yeah, of course I got complaints--and not just from his floor--from the whole building, from people passing by on the street. BOOTH: Why didn't you just evict him? FINLEY: Oh, I tried and tried and tried. Look, "eviction notice for cause, to wit: health, hygiene, damage to the building." Here's a summons and a complaint, both of which Mr. Murphy ignored, and multiple filings with the health department, including mold, mildew, dust mites, vermin... And there are snakes in the apartment, Agent Booth. Snakes. BOOTH: Why couldn't you have just turned off the heat? FINLEY: Yeah, because that would be illegal. He could sue me. BOOTH: All this stuff must have made you pretty desperate. FINLEY: Yeah, I know you think I k*lled Murphy to get him out of the apartment. BOOTH: Well, you know, the building is rent-controlled. You know, you could have just kicked him out and charged your new tenant double. FINLEY: More like quadruple, but I didn't k*ll him. I went through the proper channels, which you can see-- look. These are the court filings which Mr. Murphy ignored, the last one filed three days ago. BOOTH: You sure came prepared. FINLEY: Yeah, well, I got to pay for the ceiling that collapsed. I can't afford that and a lawyer. (Cut to: Brennan walking toward the Royal Diner then stopping on the corner when she sees Booth and Pelant talking inside. Pelant gives Booth an envelope then gets up and leaves. Brennan continues into the Diner where Booth is reading the contents of the envelope.) BRENNAN: Hi. BOOTH: Hey, Bones. What are you doing here? (He quickly snatches up the paper and shoves it back into the envelope while she sits down across from him.) BRENNAN: Well, you asked me here to compare notes on the m*rder. BOOTH: Right, yeah. BRENNAN: Who was that soldier? BOOTH: Oh, just, uh, just an old army buddy of mine. BRENNAN: You didn't look like buddies. BOOTH: What, all of a sudden, you can tell stuff like that? BRENNAN: Well, you've taught me to be more observant of human interaction. I can also tell that you're reluctant to be honest about your real relationship with him. (She opens the envelope and takes out the papers, reading them quickly before glancing back up at him.) Secretary of Defense? They want you to go back into the Army? As a Sergeant Major? Wait. I thought you were a Master Sergeant. BOOTH: They're just trying to tempt me with a promotion, but, you know, I'm not going. BRENNAN: This lists your commendations. You were really good at being a soldier. Why do they want you back? BOOTH: Yeah, you know, they just think that my experience as an FBI agent and a sn*per in the first Gulf w*r... BRENNAN: You could train soldiers in techniques for tracking and apprehending insurgents. BOOTH: Yeah, well, I'm real happy tracking and catching m*rder right here. BRENNAN: They say you could save lives. BOOTH: Course they're gonna say that. It's the Army. They say that cause that's what they want. BRENNAN: You don't think you'd save lives? BOOTH: Well, yeah, but I mean, anyone would in that position. BRENNAN: Not everybody is as good as you. BOOTH: I served my country, and I have a kid here. I got responsibilities, all right? I'm not going to Afganistan, and you're not going to the Makapoopoo Islands. BRENNAN: Maluku. BOOTH: Right. Exactly. You know what? We have our jobs here, right? Yeah. (Cut to: Jeffersonian Medico-Legal Lab; Brennan walking in buttoning up her lab coat when she is called by Daisy Wick.) DAISY: Excuse me, Dr. Brennan. If I could just have a moment. And I'd like to preface my statement with a caveat. Your unquestionable brilliance-- BRENNAN: What is it, Ms. Wick? DAISY: Okay, okay. In your preliminary report, you said the injuries to the temporal and parietal bones and squamosal suture were inflicted at time of death. BRENNAN: That's correct. DAISY: "That"-- meaning what I said, or "that" meaning what you said? I'll read what you wrote verbatim. BRENNAN: That's not necessary. DAISY: "There are apparent perimortem injuries to the temporal and parietal bones and the squamosal suture." BRENNN: That sounds correct. DAISY: How angry would you be if it were not correct? BRENNAN: You mean if I were wrong? DAISY: I would never state it in those kind of bald terms. Does inaccurate sound better? No. Um, erroneous? BRENNAN: What have you found, Miss Wick? DAISY: You'll know instantly when I point it out. (They both walk to the computer where Daisy pulls up some images.) Here... and here under 40 times magnification. BRENNAN: Remodeling. The wounds started to heal before the victim died. DAISY: Which means we have no clear cause of death. And even after your superlative recommendation, I am stumped. BRENNAN: Please conduct a histological study of the bones. DAISY: Yes, yes of course. And may I ask why you want to do that? BRENNAN: There's something funny about the way these bones feel. DAISY: Bones have a feel? BRENNAN: Yes. Touch them. Compare them kinetically to the thousands of other bones you've examined. DAISY: Lighter. My God, yes. I wish you were coming to Maluku. It seems odd that you'd be missing something so important. BRENNAN: The histological study, Ms. Wick. (Cut to: Angela's office; Brennan and Angela are looking at pictures of the hoarder's things.) BRENNAN: The victim's apartment is like an archaeological dig. We should be able to put together a picture of his life from his effects. ANGELA: Now, Hodgins is dating each pile of junk according to insect larvae, rat droppings, and the yellowing of the paper. Apparently he's been hoarding stuff for about four years. The oldest stuff is where he fell through the ceiling. BRENNAN: Hoarders often organize their holdings by category and value, much like one would find in a museum. ANGELA: Oh, so he was curating garbage? BRENNAN: Well, the term garbage is relative. The only intrinsic value things have is what we give them. It seems odd now, but in Holland, tulip bulbs were once as valuable as houses. Maybe we all overvalue things that are... essentially worthless. ANGELA: Well, that was more than a comment on this case. What's going on Brennan? BRENNAN: What separates what I do here from what this man did? ANGELA: So going to Malulu is worth more? BRENNAN: Maluku. Yes. The m*rder will never stop, but this find has real, finite value. I'd be able to answer questions about our origin, evolutionary track. It has implications for history, science. ANGELA: Listen, you're allowed to make life changes without picking a fight with your old life. BRENNAN: But I need a break from my life. I'm worried all the time. Worried that Booth might get hurt on a case, and I couldn't prevent it, worried... about what our partnership means. ANGELA: So you want to get away from Booth? BRENNAN: No. It's just... I just need some perspective so that I can view my life with some objectivity. ANGELA: Have you talked to him about it? BRENNAN: The Army wants Booth to go to Afghanistan. To train soldiers in the apprehension of t*rrorists. ANGELA: Is-is he going to go? BRENNAN: Even though he said he wasn't, it felt like he wanted to. Perhaps it's all for the best. ANGELA: You two at opposite ends of the world? (She scoffs.) No, I don't think so. BRENNAN: We have work to do. Traditionally, hoarders have on section of possessions that has a greater value than the others. We should be looking for that. (Cut to: Booth and Parker are driving home from Parker's baseball game.) BOOTH: Where did you learn how to throw a fast ball like that, huh? You were amazing. PARKER: You taught me. BOOTH: No! No. Hey, I'm not that good. Right? Yeah. PARKER: Dad? BOOTH: Yeah? PARKER: Are you going back to be a soldier? BOOTH: Uh, why are you asking me that? PARKER: Mom said the Army called our house, looking for you. BOOTH: I'm not in the Army anymore, Bub. I'm out, okay? I made a decision to stay with the FBI to be with you all the time. PARKER: So... it's my fault? BOOTH: What's your fault? PARKER: It's my fault people will die? BOOTH: No. That's-that's not what I meant. PARKER: I want you to save lives. BOOTH: Yeah, well I do that here. PARKER: No, here you catch people that k*ll other people. There you would make it so people won't die. Isn't that better? BOOTH: It was just a phone call, buddy. That's all. It's over with, alright? I've got an even better idea. What do you say we go get one of those huge, giant, root beer floats that you love so much, huh? PARKER: Sure. BOOTH: Yeah, alright. That's my kid. (Cut to: FBI Building; Sweet's office. Daisy is telling him that she's going to the Maluku Islands for a year.) SWEETS: Where are the Maluku Islands? DAISY: (Opens a book and shows him a map.) Formerly known as the Spice Islands, indicating they smell very good. There are earthquakes and volcanoes, and a number of venomous creatures. SWEETS: What about our wedding? DAISY: We could elope in the Maluku Islands. SWEETS: Oh. Okay. What then? What would I do there? DAISY: I know this isn't easy for you, Lancelot. But this is the biggest career opportunity I've ever had, and, like my mentor, Dr. Temperance Brennan, my career means everything to me. SWEETS: Everything. DAISY: For now. And I know you're not exactly Mr. Adventure, so this has to be difficult for you. But this is a once-in-a-lifetime chance. I have to go. For a year. SWEETS: What?! DAISY: If you do decide to follow me, here's some literature on the Maluku Islands. You were a swimmer in college. There seem to be some lucrative opportunities in the pearl-diving trade. (They look at each other and Sweets sighs in defeat.) (Cut to: Hodgins going through the victim's belongings. He finds a plastic envelope of papers and takes out his phone to call Booth.) BOOTH: Special Agent Seeley Booth. HODGINS: Hey, Booth, I found something. BOOTH: What kind of something? HODGINS: It's accounting records dated four years ago. They seem to have been neatly put away. Hey, what is the traumatic event that turned him into a hoarder was work-related? I mean, remember Enron? Madoff? Those guys would've loved to have k*lled their accountant. I'm just saying, you never know what secret lives people have in their past. You know what I mean? BOOTH: Yeah, I do. HODGINS: Alright, well, I'm going to crate these up and I'll go ahead and send 'em over to you and... You hung up, didn't you? Booth? Yeah, okay. (He turns around and shrieks. Angela's dad is standing there.) That wasn't a scream. That was a yelp. It's perfectly understandable. This is a... crime scene, so, technically no one should be here. ANGELA'S DAD: You're not afraid of me, are you? HODGINS: You? No. ANGELA'S DAD: Good. So now that you're family, I'm gonna have to go ahead here and uh, ask you for a favor. HODGINS: Anything for family. Dad. (Cut to: FBI Building; Interrogation Room. Booth is going through some papers with Elaine Akusta.) ELAINE: I can't believe this. Tim and I worked together eight years. The exciting world of corporate accounting. BOOTH: When was the last time you saw Mr. Murphy? ELAINE: He left the firm a year ago. I haven't seen him since, but we've talked on the phone, though. BOOTH: Do you know anything about these accounting records? ELAINE: Well, there's nothing special about them. Its simple receivables, cash receipts. Its office supplies, mostly. It's the kind of thing we take to the recycling bin each quarter. BOOTH: Which we found in Tim Murphy's apartment. ELAINE: I'm sure. See, this is where it started. He'd take home stuff from the office. It was garbage, really, but he acted like it was gold or something. BOOTH: hmmm. The, uh, signature on these documents... ELAINE: It's mine, yes. Oh, wait, you're wondering if there's some kind of crooked accounting here? Like I might have a reason to hurl Tim? BOOTH: (Scoffs.) Kind of crossed my mind. ELAINE: You can have any forensic accountant look at these. They're worthless. Tim had problems, Agent Booth. BOOTH: Yeah, the hoarding. We know. ELAINE: Yes. He was agoraphobic, too. He wouldn't leave his apartment. That's why he lost his job. We tried an intervention, a year ago, a bunch of us from work, but he wouldn't even let us in the apartment. I told him he was going to smother in all that junk. But to him, it was treasure. About a month ago, he said a guy offered him $50,000 for something. BOOTH: You know what it was for? ELAINE: I didn't take him seriously, Agent Booth. Tim was a very sick man. (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab; Autopsy Room. Cam and Brennan are going over some findings.) CAM: Starved to death? BRENNAN: Yes. Notice the demineralization, particularly in the large bones. CAM: But his place was full of food. Not good food, but basic sustenance. BRENNAN: The histology report shows decreased bone mass, and a marked deficiency in calcium. He starved to death. CAM: After being hacked? BRENNAN: Yes. That could take anywhere from several days to a month. CAM: So after he was att*cked he was somehow immobilized? BRENNAN: Based on insect activity, Hodgins says he was trapped under a collapsed pile of his hoardings. CAM: Oh, that's horrible. DAISY: (Bursts into the room.) Oh, my God! I'm so excited. I just heard the news. I could burst! CAM: What news? DAISY: Dr. Brennan has been asked to head up the Maluku Island project! Isn't that so exciting? I just knew they were gonna ask her! (Cut to: Tim Murphy's Apartment. Hodgins, Sweets and Booth are looking for signs of a missing item.) HODGINS: Someone offered him $50,000? For what? BOOTH: She didn't say. Just said a guy offered him 50 grand for something. SWEETS: A disposophobic has a delusional regard for the value of the things he hoards. HODGINS: Yeah, that's what Dr. Brennan said. But she used anthropology speak so it sounded more sciency. BOOTH: The marks on this door here. You're saying it's from termites? HODGINS: Yeah, there's termite damage all through this area. BOOTH: (Muttering.) I don't think so. See this wood here? That is splintered. HODGINS: You're right. BOOTH: So, uh, door was probably pried open. So, a robbery, motive for m*rder. SWEETS: Hoarder has an actual treasure, somebody wants it, he won't sell, he's robbed, m*rder. Yeah, it fits. HODGINS: I don't think it's possible to tell if anything got stolen from this place. SWEETS: So, Daisy's going to, uh, Indonesia. She doesn't really care if I go with her. HODGINS: Oooh. Ouch. BOOTH: Sweets, no offense, but you might be better off without her. SWEETS: Dr. Brennan was asked to head up the expedition. Will you be better off without her? BOOTH: Excuse me? SWEETS: Daisy told me. BOOTH: No, Bones is not going anywhere. HODGINS: If it's any consolation, Angela's dad got cheated out of his car in a card game with some bikers and he wants me to steal it back. SWEETS: How is that any consolation? HODGINS: Travails d'amour, mes amis. The things we do for love. BOOTH: Great. You guys stay here and see if this guy's got anything in here that's worth 50 grand. You understand? (He exits.) SWEETS: So, uh, I'll help you get that car back. HODGINS: Really? SWEETS: Yeah. You know why? Cause I'm Mr. Adventure. HODGINS: I'd rather you were Mr. Sneaky Ninja k*ller Assassin, but hey, a guy can't be picky in the sidekick market, huh? SWEETS: Nope. (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab; Platform. Brennan is examining evidence with Daisy.) BRENNAN: The Raman spectroscope uses lasers and light diffusion to measure minute changes in chemical composition. DAISY: This machine would be very useful on the Maluku Islands. BRENNAN: I've already suggested it to the organizers. DAISY: So you're coming? BRENNAN: Agent Booth and I are partners. I have to discuss it with him first. DAISY: He's probably going to go be a big hero in Afghanistan. BRENNAN: He says he doesn't want to go. DAISY: Lance said that Booth has the psyche of a true warrior. That it's a miracle he hasn't gone back long before this. Maybe you're holding him back the same way he's holding you back. (Off Brennan's look.) I shouldn't have said that. But sometimes my mouth just has a mouth of its own. BRENNAN: We have to determine the precise day the victim was struck. DAISY: The day of att*ck, not the day of death. Yeah. How? BRENNAN: I want you to measure the amount of remodeling that occurred since the att*ck. DAISY: Oh, my God, that's genius. You have to come to Maluku. You don't want me being honored by the National Society of Anthropologists without you, do you? BRENNAN: Remodeling, Ms. Wick. (Cut to: Angela's Office and Murphy's Apartment. Angela and Cam are on the webcam open on Hodgins' computer at the apartment where he's still going through evidence with Sweets.) ANGELA: Okay, what I did was modify my mass-recognition program--patent pending--to scan the photographic reconstruction of the crime scene to find areas of comparatively less chaos. HODGINS: Awesome. CAM: You understand what she's saying? HODGINS: Not in the least, but I'm so turned on by her brain. I'd like to see her brain totally naked. SWEETS: That's a terrible image. It's just terrible. ANGELA: Okay, Sweets, you'll understand this. We have a hoarder. We also have a possible intruder. The intruder comes in to look for something. SWEETS: Okay. Stacks of... HODGINS: Crap. SWEETS: ...crap grow organically, in a way. But if someone came in and disturbed the hoarder's system, then put everything back, it would look different. CAM: It doesn't look different. ANGELA: Well, it does to my program. There. (She points to a spot on her screen.) Okay, now somebody, not the victim, rearranged that pile. HODGINS: Okay, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where? (He puts a camera on a strap around his head.) ANGELA: So you're going to go towards the window. HODGINS: Okay. Window. (He and sweets start walking with Sweets leading and transmitting on camera.) ANGELA: Now turn right. SWEETS: Right. CAM: You're getting warmer. Warmer. To the left. Okay, there. ANGELA: Does anything look strange? Anything missing? HODGINS: Yes. There are silverfish eggs here. So something was on top of these eggs that prevented them from hatching. I'll take some samples and figure out exactly what it was. (Cut to: A bench in the park, near the Coffee Cart. Booth and Brennan are sitting, sipping coffee and talking.) BOOTH: So, Bones, here we are. What's all the mystery about? BRENNAN: I've been offered the chance to head up the Maluku Island project. BOOTH: Yeah, I heard. Daisy told Sweets and Sweets told me. BRENNAN: Oh. I'd like to accept. BOOTH: Hmmm. I thought you already had. BRENNAN: We've been partners for five years, Booth. I wouldn't make a decision like this without talking to you. BOOTH: Bones, look, you don't need my permission. Okay, it's-it's cool. BRENNAN: You say that, but you won't look at me. You're the one who taught me the value of making eye contact. So, please...? BOOTH: (He looks at her.) I'm sorry. I just... I don't do really good with change, I guess. BRENNAN: Well, you're better than I am. BOOTH: The pyramids are better at change than you are. (Off her look.) It was a joke. Hey, I was being affectionate. BRENNAN: Oh. (Laughs) Will you go back to the Army? BOOTH: It's what's best for me right now. BRENNAN: I'll only be gone for a year. BOOTH: Me, too. Right. So, hey, what's a year? BRENNAN: It's the time it takes the Earth to make a full revolution around the sun. BOOTH: In the scheme of things. You know, the grand scheme. Just saying, a year is just, you know... it's not too bad. BRENNAN: Right. BOOTH: Right? BRENNAN: We can come back, pick up where we left off. Nothing really has to change. BOOTH: No, things have to change. You know what? Hey, I taught you about eye contact, you taught me about evolution. So... here's to change. BRENNAN: (They touch their coffee cups together.) To change. (Cut to: FBI Building; Conference Room. Caroline Julian and Booth are going over Booth's report.) CAROLINE: So, here's what you got so far: A crazy hoarder got knocked down, buried alive under his own hoardings, by a robber who stole something that maybe k*lled bugs, then the hoarder died a little while later, then fell through the ceiling of the apartment downstairs. BOOTH: It sounds better in my report. CAROLINE: Which raises the question: you usually ad a little spice to your reports when you know your case is weak. BOOTH: There was no question in there. CAROLINE: It was implied. Connect the dots. (Booth hands her the envelope from Pelant. She opens it and reads.) Aren't you a little old to go off fighting wars? BOOTH: I'm not going to be fighting. I'm just going to be training soldiers to investigate, pursue and detain. CAROLINE: I guess that answers my next question as to whether or not you intend to go. What about your partner? BOOTH: Oh, Bones--She's going to Indonesia. You know what? Maybe it's time to find another, you know, FBI guy and a forensic anthropologist. CAROLINE: Yes, on account of you're both so replaceable. You gotta act like a big boy on this one. BOOTH: You don't want me to go? CAROLINE: No, you go, you stay, that's up to you. But before you go, you clear this case, not just dress up nothing in a nice report. (She gives him a sad look and then exits.) (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab. Brennan, Cam and Hodgins are walking through the lab to Hodgins' office.) HODGINS: I took the unhatched silverfish eggs, made a milkshake, and ran it through the mass-spec. CAM: To find out what poisoned them? HODGINS: Not poisoned, but rendered infertile. BRENNAN: Oh, suggesting chemical agents or radiation. HODGINS: Radiation. What I found were phyllosilicate minerals, along with some interesting metal oxides, very small traces of vitrified clay and Uranium 235. CAM: So, an atomic b*mb? HODGINS: No, something much more interesting than that. (He walks to his computer and pulls up an image of a garden gnome.) CAM: An atomic gnome? HODGINS: Basically. Yeah. This is the Fiestaware Christmas Gnome, circa 194`. Now, the uranium was a common ingredient in the glaze on these gnomes until the Second World w*r, when all production of the red Fiestaware gnome was halted. BRENNAN: The victim claimed he possessed something worth $50,000. How much is the gnome worth? HODGINS: $50,000 CAM: We have our motive. Now we just have to find the person who collects radioactive Hobbits. SWEETS: (Enters in all black with a ski cap on his head.) Mr. Adventure's here, ready to kick some biker ass. CAM: Please don't explain. (Exits) (Cut to: An unknown lot with a fence where Angela's Dad's car is being held. Hodgins and Sweets are being stealthy and trying to figure out how to get in and get the car back.) SWEETS: Are you sure this is the address? HODGINS: Yes, absolutely sure. SWEETS: This is pretty extreme, man. HODGINS: Of course, because I've got a father-in-law that plays poker with bikers. SWEETS: Now, is that his... (Security lights flash on and dogs begin barking and run up to the fence. Sweets and Hodgins run away.) (Cut to: FBI Building; Interrogation Room. Booth has a suspect, Rocky DeKnight, sitting down with a gnome on the table.) ROCKY: You mind turning him around? BOOTH: Why? Why, because the gnome knows what you did? And you don't like him staring at you with his soulful little eyes? ROCKY: How do you even know that's my gnome? BOOTH: We found it in your basement. ROCKY: Someone planted it there. BOOTH: Why? ROCKY: Because I'm a well known aficionado and purveyor of Fiestaware. BOOTH: So, the phone records indicate that you called Mr. Murphy several times during the days leading up to his death. ROCKY: Someone on the Fiesta message board mentioned Murphy scored the motherlode at a flea market a few years back. He only bought it for 12 bucks. I was trying to see if he'd sell. BOOTH: Mm-hmm. Last time you contacted him was on April 29th--the day he was as*ault--so, you have an alibi for that? ROCKY: I went to talk to him. I was going to give him 50 grand. I mean, he didn't even appreciate the gnome. He was insane. BOOTH: So what--what, did you att*ck him with a kitchen Kn*fe or a machete? ROCKY: No. No, he saw. I pushed the guy, and took the gnome, that's all. BOOTH: You expect him to answer, Rocky? ROCKY: He already did. He said, "Shut up and get a lawyer." BOOTH: Smart. Smart gnome. (Cut to: FBI Building. Booth, Brennan and Caroline are walking through the halls.) CAROLINE: I need more. BOOTH: Come on, Caroline, we got this guy. BRENNAN: Cause of death, means, motive, opportunity. CAROLINE: What caused the hacks to the skull? BRENNAN: We don't know. BOOTH: Well, he died of starvation, anyway. CAROLINE: The as*ault caused him to starve. Still manslaughter. Which will get tossed if all I have in court is this. If it's gonna be your last case together, then do it properly. BRENNAN: It's not our last case. BOOTH: We'll be back in a year. CAROLINE: Tight as a drum, that's what I want. And trust me, the way you two are running from each other, you'd better be damn sure of these little trips you're taking. (She shoves the case file at Booth.) BOOTH: Oh. (Cut to: Hodgins and Sweets at the Biker lot, scaling the wall. A blanket gets thrown over the top and then Hodgins appears, followed by Sweets.) HODGINS: If Angela was going to the Maluku Islands, I'd go. SWEETS: Even if it meant you becoming a pearl diver? HODGINS: Hey, even if it meant my having to listen to Daisy. SWEETS: So, what? I should just go? I should just give up my career and my life and my friends and my practice, and go to Indonesia? HODGINS: Hey, I'm about to risk dismemberment just to impress my scary father-in-law. SWEETS: How are you going to get past the dogs? HODGINS: I don't know. SWEETS: How are you going to start the car? HODGINS: I don't know. SWEETS: How are you going to get the car through the gate? HODGINS: I don't know. SWEETS: How are you going to evade the angry bikers? HODGINS: Oh, I haven't got a clue. SWEETS: Okay, good plan. What do I do? HODGINS: Survive and tell the story of my love. SWEETS: This wall is high. HODGINS: Nah. No problemo. (He falls to the ground on the other side of the wall and groans.) SWEETS: Are you okay? What happened? HODGINS: Just gravity. SWEETS: Dogs at 3 o'clock. (The dogs att*ck, grabbing hold of Hodgins' boot and pulling it off. Sweets, trying to remedy the situation, starts to meow like a cat. It gets the dogs' attention and Hodgins is able to run toward the car, sans a boot. Sweets continues to distract the dogs and Hodgins opens the garage, turns around and is startled by his father-in-law standing there holding the keys.) HODGINS: Oh! A test? Really? You could have done this by yourself. ANGELA'S DAD: Oh, sure I could, but family's about doing things together. HODGINS: So you sicced dogs on me for nothing? ANGELA'S DAD: Well, not exactly, but we should really get going. HODGINS: Wow. For real? Okay, yeah. (Hodgins takes the keys and they get into the car, the ignition starts and he looks behind them to see some big biker guys walking toward them and shouting.) Uh... what do I do? ANGELA'S DAD: It's been my experience, if you drive at 'em, people clear out the way. HODGINS: (Tire squeal and the engine revs and he backs out of the garage. The men do indeed scatter, but they follow them toward the gate.) The gate! What about the gate? ANGELA'S DAD: It was built to keep people out. HODGINS: They are so gonna chase us. MAN: You ain't goin' nowhere now! Lock the gate! (Hodgins drives at the gate which opens. Sweets watches them pass, still yowling like a cat, then falls off the other side of the wall.) (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab; Bone Room. It's morning and Cam is walking toward the room carrying a cup of coffee. Brennan is in the room, still looking at the skull.) CAM: You been here all night? BRENNAN: Wha-- is it morning? CAM: Yes. BRENNAN: I've been here all night. CAM: You find anything new? BRENNAN: Yes. These marks weren't cause by a hatchet or a Kn*fe. The direction of force is opposite to the direction of impact. CAM: What would do that? BRENNAN: A propeller. CAM: So he walked into a plane? BRENNAN: No. A fan. The crime scene is full of fans. (She sighs and puts the skull down.) CAM: Are you really leaving the Jeffersonian? BRENNAN: Yes. For a year. I can provide you with a list of forensic anthropologists who can do this job. CAM: No, Dr. Brennan. You can provide me with a list of forensic anthropologists. BRENNAN: I don't know what that means. (Cam looks sad and exits without another word.) (Cut to: Murphy's Apartment. Fans are being carted out in evidence bags by techs. Hodgins and Sweets are observing.) HODGINS: I think we got all the fans. I really am sorry about leaving you there. SWEETS: No problem. Mr. Adventure can take care of himself. Plus, Daisy rewarded me handsomely for my bravery. HODGINS: Oh, dude. SWEETS: Yes, I am the dude. HODGINS: Is she still going? SWEETS: Yeah. (They are standing in front of a bookshelf. A clock is blinking 4:47 and there are travel books on the shelves.) HODGINS: Um, Angela's program recognized this as the one area of the apartment that was the most cared for. SWEETS: These must have been an escape valve for him, images of a life outside of here where he wasn't tormented by his compulsion and agoraphobia. HODGINS: (Pulls a book off the shelf and takes out some pictures of Murphy and Elaine.) Hey. SWEETS: Hm? Oh. Hmmm. (Cut to: FBI Building; Interrogation Room. Brennan sits across from Elaine while Booth leans against a wall near the two-way mirror behind which Caroline and Sweets are standing. Brennan hands the photographs across the table to Elaine who is teary eyed.) BRENNAN: We found your fingerprints on the fan. ELAINE: I was in love with Tim. BOOTH: When was the last time you guys were together? ELAINE: Over a year. I thought if I could just get him out of that apartment, maybe if the sun h*t his face, he would change and we could have a real life, so... so I pulled him to the window, and... and I ripped down the curtain, and he lost it. BOOTH: You two fought? ELAINE: Well, he att*cked me, so I pushed the fan at him, and I ran away. But I didn't think I k*lled him. (Sniffles.) I loved him, but... there was nothing I could do. (In the other room, Caroline starts to walk out of the room.) CAROLINE: Well, that's that then. They're free to go. SWEETS: You don't think this success might make them change their minds? CAROLINE: You're a nice kid, but today is a good day for you to grow the hell up. (She exits.) (Cut to: Outside the Royal Diner. The car Hodgins helped retrieve is at the curb and Angela, Hodgins and Angela's Dad are standing there.) ANGELA: You're giving him the car? ANGELA'S DAD: Oh, no, honey. I'm giving him you. The car is just a little something to remember his new dad. Welcome to the family, son. (He shakes Hodgins' hand and kisses Angela on the cheek before walking away.) HODGINS: (Watching him go.) That is one weird, scary dude. ANGELA: Yeah. So, Brennan's going to Indonesia with Daisy. HODGINS: Not talking about that. (He opens the car door for Angela.) ANGELA: Well... (laughs) Sweets and Daisy--they're gonna break up. HODGINS: Not talking about that, either. ANGELA: Booth is going to Afghanistan. HODGINS: Not gonna touch that one. (He walks around the car and gets in on the driver's side.) ANGELA: You and I will be staying here. HODGINS: No. We... are not. ANGELA: Oh, really? And where are we going? HODGINS: Nous allons a Paris. ANGELA: Oh, for our honeymoon? HODGINS: No. For a year. Because I have no desire to break in a new forensic anthropologist and an FBI agent, do you? ANGELA: No. (Laughing.) I do not. Well, everything's changing, huh? HODGINS: Yeah. ANGELA: What do you think's gonna happen? HODGINS: Not sure. But I do know that we'll be together. (He kisses her.) Ready? ANGELA: Nnnhnn. (Cut to: The Airport. Everyone has come to see Daisy and Brennan off.) VOICEOVER: Flight 362 Jakarta will now depart from Gate E3. DAISY: Lancelot, do you hate me? SWEETS: No, Daisy. No. (He kisses her.) DAISY: Do you think you'll wait for me? That would be really romantic. SWEETS: I don't think so. I don't think you should wait for me, either. (Daisy nods.) CAM: I've really enjoyed working for you, Dr. Brennan. BRENNAN: In fact, Dr. Saroyan, I worked for you. CAM: We both know better. (She hugs her and then Hodgins steps up.) HODGINS: Okay, I made you this chart of all the poisonous reptiles and insects, what they look like, how to avoid them, and what to do if you get stung or bitten, so... BRENNAN: Thank you, Dr. Hodgins. I love you, too. HODGINS: Wow. BRENNAN: Booth informed me that proffering of overly solicitous advice is indicative of love. HODGINS: Wow. (He steps back and Angela steps forward.) BRENNAN: Angela. (She hugs her.) ANGELA: Hey, Sweetie. I hope you find something that just changes the entire notion of what it means to be human. BRENNAN: I will. VOICEOVER: Passengers on flight 362 to Jakarta needing assistance may now pre-board. DAISY: Dr. Brennan, we really have to go. BRENNAN: Yes. (Clears throat, then looks up as Booth enters. They look at each other, then Brennan walks toward Booth.) DAISY: Dr. Brennan? CAM: Oh, my God. BOOTH: Sorry. Couldn't get a pass. I had to sneak off the base to come say good-bye. Listen, Bones, you got to be really careful in that Indonesian jungle, okay? BRENNAN: Booth, in a week, you're going to a w*r zone. Please don't be a hero. Please just... don't be you. BOOTH: (He steps closer, then reaches out and clasps her hand.) One year from today, we meet at the reflecting pool on the mall. Right by the... BRENNAN: ...coffee cart. I know. One year from today. (They stare at each other for a moment, then Booth takes a step back and lets go of her hand. He turns and walks away. Brennan watches him go for second before she turns and walks the opposite direction herself. Booth stops and turns around and she glances back one more time, with tears in her eyes. Then Booth turns again and walks away, Brennan does the same.) END

{"type": "series", "show": "Bones", "episode": "05x22 - The Beginning in the End"}

foreverdreaming

THE MASTADON IN THE ROOM TEASER (Flashback to the Airport ending scene from The End in the Beginning. SWEETS hugs DAISY, CAM hugs BRENNAN, HODGINS gives BRENNAN the list of insects, ANGELA hugs BRENNAN. BOOTH and BRENNAN holding hands) BOOTH: One year from today we meet at the reflecting pool, on the mall. BRENNAN: I know. (Close-up of their hands separating. Fade to white, then in bold black capital letters) Seven months later (Federal Coroner's Lab, Washington D.C. CAM is looking at a case file stating the victim is of unknown identity, age, race etc, then at the remains of a child on the morgue table. She sighs) (Cut to Kakwari, Northern Maluku Province, Indonesia. DAISY and BRENNAN are walking through the jungle back to their car) DAISY: Day 213, found nothing. BRENNAN: Well, three months ago we found an onyx bead. DAISY: No offense, Dr Brennan, but what we're looking for is evidence of early man, not jewelry that's barely 200 years old. (DAISY sees a snake at the back of the car and screams. BRENNAN calmly and carefully drags it out of the car) BRENNAN: I find it interesting that I'm only afraid of snakes when Booth is around to be jumped upon. (Cut to Quryah, Helmand Province, Afghanistan. BOOTH and some soldiers are hiding behind a car while another SOLDIER is talking to a native woman. When he finishes, they all jog across the street to meet him, hiding behind a wall) SOLDIER: She says 2 insurgents, 5 minutes ago, went to kidnap child of NATO interpreter. BOOTH: We're gonna allow that? (They all smile) BOOTH: Uh, Just like we trained boys, a hundred times, all right? (under his breath) Right... (BOOTH dashes towards the house that is their target, the soldiers following him. One of them drops a grenade in the house, then they all burst in, sh**ting some armed Muslims inside) (Cut to CNB Studios, Washington D.C. A JOURNALIST is looking over her notes. Cue to CAROLINE and CAM, backstage) CAROLINE: You think you're here to talk about brain damage in veterans. (CAM is seated, putting some final touches to her make-up) CAM: That's because I'm here to talk about brain damage in veterans. CAROLINE: All she's gonna want to talk about is that missing child! CAM: (she sighs) I have nothing to say about Logan Bartlett. CAROLINE: That's the problem! CAM: I have been up all night, going over forensic anthropology and entomology reports. I can't confirm the identity of the child in my morgue. CAROLINE: Which is the excuse the Justice Department will use to f*re you! CAM: I'm good at my job, Caroline, they're not gonna f*re me. CAROLINE: Cherie, you are brilliant at your job but you do not understand politics. (CAM stands up and they both walk towards the talk show's studio) CAROLINE: What they want is for you to shut up about brain damage in veterans! (Cut to BRENNAN and DAISY in Kakwari, Maluku) BRENNAN: If I can't fix this carburetor we're in trouble. (DAISY notices some armed native men) DAISY: I think we might be in trouble anyway. Dr. Brennan? BRENNAN: This is a very delicate situation... If I were you, I'd swallow that engagement ring right now. (DAISY swallows the ring) BRENNAN: Those young mean are Alifuru. An Alifuru man's worth is measured by how many daughters he has, not sons, which indicates that they venerate women... We have to show them that we're women! DAISY: Ok. (BRENNAN takes of her hat, shakes her hair, puts on a flirty smile) DAISY: (off-camera) What if these are evil, r*pist Alifurus? BRENNAN: (shaking her hair) Well, in that case, when they get close enough you'll take the little one and I'll get the other two - (she turns back and sees DAISY in her underwear) why are you in your underwear? DAISY: You said look like a woman. Should I take off more? (Cut to BOOTH in Quryah, Afghanistan) (BOOTH is looking around some old houses, he spots the two insurgents dragging a little boy away while his MOTHER begs them in Arab.) BOOTH: (to the MOTHER) Stay back! Stay back! (One of the two insurgents notices him and starts raising his g*n but BOOTH sh**t him. The other insurgent raises the child in front of his chest and starts walking backwards) BOOTH: Put the boy down! (The insurgent puts his g*n on the child's temple and keeps walking backwards) BOOTH: Put the boy down! Don't pretend you don't understand what I'm talking about! Put the boy down or I'll sh**t you now! (A soldier has crept behind the insurgent and puts his g*n on the insurgent's temple. The insurgent lets the child go and his MOTHER hugs him, crying.) MOTHER: Thank you! Thank you! (The insurgent put his hands behind his head and BOOTH takes his g*n) MOTHER: This would not have happened if his father was here, where he's supposed to be; instead of out fighting someone else's w*r. (BOOTH stares at her while she's leaving with the child. His phone starts beeping) BOOTH: Booth. (Cut to CNB Studios, D.C., and CAROLINE) CAROLINE: You need to come home right away! BOOTH: Kinda involved here (Cut to BOOTH in Afghanistan) training Afghanis. What's the rush? (Cut to CAROLINE in D.C.) CAROLINE: Cam's gonna lose her job and her reputation if you don't do your white knight routine. (Cut to BOOTH in Afghanistan) BOOTH: Why Cam, she's the best coroner in town. (Cut to CAROLINE in D.C.) CAROLINE: That's right! Now saddle up, sir Galahad, get yourself back and convince the powers that be. (Cue to the JOURNALIST and CAM, getting on air for the talk show) JOURNALIST: Today I have with me in the studio Dr Camille Saroyan, the Federal Medical Examiner for DC and the environs. Dr Saroyan has an exemplary record, winning several citations along the way. It's an honor to meet you, Dr Saroyan. CAM: Thank you. Glad to be here. (Cut to BRENNAN and DAISY in Maluku. BRENNAN is fighting with the armed men, using a shovel. DAISY is watching, gesturing and grimacing. BRENNAN knocks out the last one of them) DAISY: Oh! ... I think I did a pretty amazing job of distracting them. BRENNAN: Try to start the truck, Daisy, there could be more. (BRENNAN starts fixing the engine while DAISY sits on the driver's seat. BRENNAN's phone rings) BRENNAN: Brennan. (Cut to CAROLINE in D.C., backstage) CAROLINE: Cherie, I know you're out there looking for the origins of humanity, but you need to get home (Cut to BRENNAN in Maluku) right now! BRENNAN: Why? (Cut to CAROLINE in D.C.) CAROLINE: Because you left Cam all alone and if you don't come back she's gonna lose everything! (Cue to the JOURNALIST and CAM) JOURNALIST: With all that success behind you, why are you stalled on the Logan Bartlett case? (CAM is speechless) CAROLINE: Booth is coming, everyone is coming, but we need you, because you are the smartest. (Cut to BRENNAN, in Maluku) BRENNAN: That's true, I am the smartest. (BRENNAN hungs up and closes the engine lid. DAISY starts the engine. BRENNAN gets on the car) BRENNAN: Daisy, we have to get home. (BRENNAN and DAISY drive away) (Cut to DC, night view of Capitol Hill and Washington Monument. Cut to BOOTH descending the stairs to the reflecting pool, at the Mall. Cut to BRENNAN wandering, looking around. She turns and sees him seconds after he sees her, they smile at each other, approach each other) BOOTH: Hi... (BOOTH and BRENNAN hug. BOOTH pulls away, they smile awkwardly at each other) [OPENING CREDITS] ACT 1 (We see an excerpt of CAM's interview on a screen) CAM: In the last 8 months, I've performed autopsies on six veterans; four fought in Iraq, two in Afghanistan. All six show signs of brain damage consistent with improvised expl*sive devices. (Zoom-out to the FBI conference room) JOURNALIST: Dr Saroyan, why haven't you identified the remains of the child currently on your slab? CAM: My slab? (We see the "real" CAM, sitting at the round table) CAM: Oh, that's not ethical! CAROLINE: They've started a search for a new Federal Medical Examiner. CAM: Caroline, I'm very good at my job! CAROLINE: Yes, you are very good, but that's not the issue. They're mad at you for causing a fuss, and they're looking at an excuse to f*re you. That child is their excuse. You said your entomologist and anthropologist are no good, right? What if I told you I got you the best? Plus a cop who will help you, not blame you? CAM: The best anthropologist is in Indonesia, the best cop is in Afghanistan and the best entomologist is in France! CAROLINE: I got 'em all coming back. CAM: How'd you do that? (CAROLINE starts dialing a number on her cellphone) CAROLINE: Same way I'm gonna get you a tame psychologist. (CAM is dumbfounded) (Cut to a restaurant. We hear someone play the piano, then a sign that reads "For your listening enjoyment, the piano stylings of LANCE SWEETS". Cue to SWEETS playing the piano. His cell phone rings. He picks it up and resumes playing) SWEETS: Talk to me. (Cut to CAROLINE at the FBI) CAROLINE: That is no way for an adult holding a PhD in psychology to answer the telephone! (Cut to SWEETS) SWEETS: Ms Julian. I'm on sabbatical. (Cut to CAROLINE at the FBI) CAROLINE: Doing what, installing elevators? Because I can hear the music. (Cut to SWEETS) SWEETS: Rethinking my life priorities. What's wrong? (Cut to CAROLINE) CAROLINE: Booth is on his way back from Afghanistan and I hear he has major post-traumatic stress syndrome. (Cut to SWEETS) SWEETS: 'Nuff said, uh, I'll get myself reactivated immediately. (He hungs up) (Cut to CAROLINE and CAM at the FBI. CAROLINE hungs up. CAM looks miserable) (Cut to BOOTH and BRENNAN sitting on the stairs, at the Mall. BRENNAN is holding a photo of BOOTH with his Army buddies in Afghanistan) BRENNAN: So...was it dangerous in Afghanistan? BOOTH: Nah...what I did was mostly administrative. BRENNAN: Because you seem really very heavily armed in this photograph. BOOTH: What about you? Any headhunters or cannibals? BRENNAN: Daisy and I were att*cked by some armed guerillas but I... I b*at them up and... we got away. BOOTH: You b*at up armed guerillas? BRENNAN: I had to! You weren't there to save me! BOOTH: Aww... Bones! So, did you meet anyone special? BRENNAN: You mean, did I have sex with anyone. BOOTH: I missed that about you, you know? You just cut right to the chase; yeah. BRENNAN: I was working... BOOTH: Hmm. BRENNAN: So there was no time or inclination for sex or... romance. How about you? BOOTH: Yeah... I'll show you. Hannah. She's a journalist, w*r correspondent. BRENNAN: Ho-how did you meet? BOOTH: Oh, I arrested her for being in a restricted area. BRENNAN: You-you arrested me, once. BOOTH: I remember. BRENNAN: Where's Hannah now? BOOTH: She's in Iraq. BRENNAN: Well- Is it serious between you two? BOOTH: Serious as a heart att*ck. BRENNAN: Heart att*cks are very serious. BOOTH: Yes they are, very serious. BRENNAN: So... I- I- I find that I'm looking forward to seeing everyone. BOOTH: Right. Whoa-hoa-whoa, Bones, where are you going? BRENNAN: To the lab! BOOTH: Cam's not there anymore. BRENNAN: Why? BOOTH: Didn't you stay in touch with anyone while you were gone? BRENNAN: No. My only contact with the outside world was a satellite phone; and it was only for emergencies. BOOTH: Good to know it wasn't just me, huh? So, this way, FBI? BRENNAN: (quietly) Okay. (Cut to the FBI conference room. SWEETS, HODGINS, ANGELA, BRENNAN, CAM, BOOTH and CAROLINE are all there. CAM is hugging BRENNAN) CAROLINE: The reason we're here is... People.... The reason we're here... Hello? (She finally gets their attention) CAROLINE: Cam here has decided to launch a jihad. SWEETS: Wow, "jihad" - talk about loaded terminology! CAROLINE: Far far above us on the food chain, someone with a cold heart has decided that Cam must be silenced. HODGINS: I'm totally impressed. BOOTH: Wait wait, what jihad? CAM: Brain damage in veterans. CAROLINE: The point is, the easiest way to shut Cam up is to f*re her, for cause. Tell them. CAM: (she sighs) Three months ago a 2-year-old boy, Logan Bartlett, disappears; stolen in the middle of the night from his mother's house. CAROLINE: Kidnapped child... The media jumped on it big time, blew it up huge. HODGINS: Do you believe this is Logan Bartlett? CAM: The media does, and they're saying I'm incompetent because I won't confirm or deny. CAROLINE: Incompetence is grounds for dismissal. BRENNAN: Well, the size is right for a 2-year-old. The sternum is crushed, that's a possible cause of death. CAM: The bug guy says insect activity indicates that the time of death was between six and twelve weeks ago. BOOTH: So, useless timeframe. CAM: Yeah; the bug guy is not Hodgins. In fact, nobody is any of you. BRENNAN: That didn't make sense. CAROLINE: So, our goal here is, you people tuck in like the old days, make Cam look competent, so we keep us the best federal coroner we ever had. CAM: I had no idea you thought that. BOOTH: I'm in. But first thing in the morning I gotta have breakfast with Parker and then I'll go find the missing kid's parents, to see if I can get any information off them. Alright? ANGELA: We're in. HODGINS: Absolutely. See you in the lab tomorrow. CAM: Thank you, guys. ANGELA: Yeah. (BOOTH, ANGELA and HODGINS leave) BRENNAN: I am going to need some help. SWEETS: Wait, didn't Daisy come back with you? BRENNAN: Daisy said that she needs some time off. Who else is available? CAM: Nobody. BRENNAN: (incredulously) Nobody? SWEETS: Vincent Nigel-Murray won a million dollars on Jeopardy! Took a round-the-world trip. CAM: Mr Vasiri switched majors from forensic to cultural anthropology; he's interning at the Baghdad museum. CAROLINE: Fisher checked into a clinic with a case of "The Hopeless Vapors" - Dr Edison took a position in Chicago. (CAROLINE leaves) BRENNAN: What about Wendell? SWEETS: Last I heard, working in a repair shop. Excuse me. (SWEETS leaves) BRENNAN: What happened? You are no longer in the Jeffersonian, all my interns gone... CAM: What happened is you put your own desires ahead of everything else and you left. BRENNAN: Are you angry with me? CAM: Yes, I am angry, Dr Brennan. We had a great thing going and you just... You let it fall apart. (CAM leaves. BRENNAN is left alone in the room) (Fade to black) ACT 2 (Cut to the Royal Diner. Morning. A plate of pancakes is served on the counter for PARKER and BOOTH) BOOTH: Ah...Look at that, huh? PARKER: Dad? BOOTH: Yeah. PARKER: Did you k*ll anybody? BOOTH: Why are you asking me that? PARKER: My friends always want to know. What should I tell them? BOOTH: You tell your friends that your dad does his duty the best that he knows how. Alright? Someday, me and you are gonna talk all about it, alright? PARKER: When? BOOTH: Y'know, when you're older; when you're a man. PARKER: Are you going away again? BOOTH: No. Never. PARKER: Because of me? BOOTH: Because of you. It's the best reason ever. Huh? Drink your orange juice, here we go; let's eat up. Mm? (Cut to a repair shop. BRENNAN is walking between to school buses) BRENNAN: Wendell? Wendell Bray? WENDELL: Yeah... BRENNAN: Oh, it's Dr Temperance Brennan. (WENDELL peeks out from inside of one of the school buses) WENDELL: Hey, welcome back! Did you find h*m* fluoresciensis, in Maluku? BRENNAN: No, not yet. Why are you fixing the bus? You are a highly educated and fairly intelligent young man! WENDELL: Gotta pay a rent, save up for tuition. BRENNAN: What happened to your fellowship? WENDELL: After you left, the new forensic anthropologist wasn't based at the Jeffersonian, he was in New York, so they shut down the program. BRENNAN: I am very very difficult to replace. WENDELL: That you are! BRENNAN: I would like to hire you to... help me. WENDELL: For how long? BRENNAN: For however long it takes to identify these remains; and then I have to get back to Maluku. WENDELL: No can do. I, uh, pulled in favors to get this job. Gotta think long-term. I appreciate the offer though. (he turns his back on her) BRENNAN: How much would it take? Because I have quite a lot of money and it's no use to me in Maluku. (WENDELL turns around again. He smiles) (Cut to the FBI interrogation room. BOOTH is talking to TREVOR and CARRIE BARTLETT) CARRIE BARTLETT: I-I put Logan down at 8pm, after his bath. I read him a story. He's a good sleeper. TREVOR BARTLETT: You have a glass or two or wine after that, Carrie, or did you just go straight to the vodka? CARRIE BARTLETT: Don't do that. (to BOOTH) Look, I've been sober for over a year. BOOTH: So when did you notice Logan was gone? CARRIE BARTLETT: He's usually up around six. That's when I went in and he was just... he was gone. BOOTH: Where were you Mr. Bartlett? TREVOR BARTLETT: Me and Carrie split up last year. CARRIE BARTLETT: I-I got custody for Logan. BOOTH: Again I'm asking you, where were you when your son disappeared? TREVOR BARTLETT: I got family in Delaware, in Dover. Got receipts, witnesses, whatever you need. Missing Persons cops, they got it all. CARRIE BARTLETT: Trevor's angry, Agent Booth, but he would never do anything to harm Logan. TREVOR BARTLETT: Thank you for that Carrie. BOOTH: Look, I'm a father; I can only imagine what you're going though right now. I really appreciate you coming in. There's an Agent outside who's gonna drive you home. Ok? TREVOR BARTLETT: What about me? BOOTH: I have a few more questions for you. CARRIE BARTLETT: Agent Booth... Do you think that the body in the morgue... the one they're talking about on TV... Do you think..? BOOTH: It's not very clear right now... If I were you, I'd take that as a sign to have hope. Right? (She nods. BOOTH opens the door for her) BOOTH: (quietly) Thanks. (Cut to the Coroner's Lab. CAM, WENDELL and BRENNAN are there. ANGELA enters) ANGELA: Wow...These really are the remains of a child, huh? CAM: Yeah. And that about sums up my total knowledge on the case: it's a male child. WENDELL: You like living in Paris? ANGELA: Are you kidding? It's Paris! Yeah, I get to draw the Eiffel Tower; not d*ad children's faces. BRENNAN: These remains were found wrapped in a blanket in a shallow grave along the Potomac. ANGELA: Yeah... I don't know if that's a blanket. Um... Looks like it might have been cut from something larger..? Now the stitching suggests that it maybe it's from some kind of garment; like a jacket or a sleeping bag. BRENNAN: What does this look like to you, Wendell? (She points at an X-ray on the screen) WENDELL: Root completion of the canines. BRENNAN: That plus the fusion of the vertebral elements. CAM: You're suggesting that this victim is over three years old? BRENNAN: Yes. CAM: Despite his small size? ANGELA: It's hard to be sure in a child this young but, the eye orbits are relatively round. (BRENNAN approaches the table to look at the skull) BRENNAN: Yes! Angela's right. CAM: About what? BRENNAN: The round eye orbits. The skull is brachycephalic. ANGELA: If I was reconstructing this skull, I'd definitely be going Asian. CAM: So it can't be Logan Bartlett. (she sighs) (Cut to the FBI. BOOTH and TREVOR BARTLETT are exiting the interrogation room) BOOTH: Thanks for your cooperation. TREVOR BARTLETT: Do me a favor, huh? Quit wasting your time appreciating my cooperation; go find my kid. CAROLINE: Nice man. You think he k*lled his son? BOOTH: I don't quite get k*ller off of him. (He notices people in his office) Ho-how! What's going on here? CAROLINE: Agent Colby is moving out so you can move back in. BOOTH: Hm. (he nods) CAROLINE: You aren't going back to Afghanistan after this, are you? (BOOTH starts walking away. CAROLINE follows him) Because I told Agent Colby that you needed your office back. Don't you make me a liar! BOOTH: Nah... I'm not going back. Something happened to me back there that made me realize I have to be here for my son. CAROLINE: You almost die or something? (BOOTH sighs) CAROLINE: I should know better than ask. Anything else happened down there that you'd maybe like to talk about? A little something-something? (BOOTH takes his cell phone out and shows her the photo of Hannah) CAROLINE: Ah! BOOTH: Huh? CAROLINE: I like the set of her chin. BOOTH: Right? CAROLINE: Does Dr Brennan know? BOOTH: 'Course she does. CAROLINE: Sort of takes the emotional pressure off, I guess. BOOTH: Right? CAROLINE: Which means there's absolutely no reason for the two of you not to work together, get the old team back together, catch miscreants and K*llers and the like. BOOTH: Well I'm staying, but I'm pretty sure Bones is heading back to the Moppapuchuy Islands or whatever they're called, to find her missing link to humanity. CAROLINE: Well, we'd all like for her to find that. BOOTH: Right? Me too. CAROLINE: Mm-hmm. BOOTH: No missing link there, though, right? CAROLINE: There ain't nothing missing over her. (Cut to SWEETS and DAISY, walking on a sidewalk. Evening) DAISY: You wouldn't believe what I went through to hang on to that. SWEETS: I never asked you to give me the ring back. DAISY: When I left, you and I weren't really precise on where we were as a couple. SWEETS: You flushed me, Daisy. I mean, how- how much more clear could it be? DAISY: Just to be clear, in your mind, we're no longer engaged? SWEETS: What? No! (they stop walking) DAISY: I thought about you every day. DRIVER: Hey! Get out of the way! (horns beeping) (SWEETS and DAISY resume crossing the street) SWEETS: Okay, this is very confusing for me; because I spent the last few months trying to forget about you. DAISY: You found someone else while I was away? SWEETS: Well, as a matter of fact, yeah, I met a few women and... by a few I mean more than two. DAISY: I was completely faithful, but I don't blame you for seeking comfort in the arms of others. SWEETS: Blame me? You looked me in the eye and told me that your career would always come first. DAISY: I was emulating my mentor, Dr Brennan and she was wrong, which means I was wrong too. I was led astray by my brain. SWEETS: Well, I need some time to think. DAISY: Then you keep the ring. You want us to be engaged, you just give it back. (DAISY leaves. SWEETS looks at the ring, then turns to leave at the opposite direction) (Cut to the Coroner's Lab. BRENNAN and WENDELL are there. BRENNAN is holding up an X-ray) BRENNAN: Yes, I'm seeing Harris' lines here, in the tibia. (She gives WENDELL the X-ray) WENDELL: These lines of calcified material in the shin bone? BRENNAN: Signifies childhood malnutrition. (WENDELL puts the X-ray on a table next to him, then hands BRENNAN a pair of gloves. He points at the skull) WENDELL: The skull shows...um... I forget what these lesions are called but they're caused by iron deficiency anemia...? BRENNAN: Porotic hyperostosis. WENDELL: Yeah. (CAM enters) CAM: Comes from working on bus engines, I guess. BRENNAN: Well, anyone could learn the labels, Mr. Bray, but not everyone would notice the condition. CAM: Nice! What have you got? WENDELL: Well, we won't know for certain until we get a complete histological profile but it's looking pretty good that this kid is an Asian immigrant. BRENNAN: By pretty good, Mr. Bray means a better than 85% chance. (ANGELA and HODGINS enter) ANGELA: Hey! Hodgins found some bug evidence. WENDELL: Hey Hodgins what's up? HODGINS: Hey brother! (HODGINS higs WENDELL, then looks around) HODGINS: Wow! What is with this scuzzy hellhole? And where is my office? CAM: You see that table over there? That's you office; and you have to share. HODGINS: Huh! CAM: If these remains are Asian, that might help explain his size and this is all adding up to the likelihood that this is not Logan Bartlett. HODGINS: It's not Logan Bartlett. Cam's bug guy - really not top shelf by the way - says that insect activity indicates that this kid died between six and twelve weeks ago but he didn't take into account the fact that the kid was wrapped up. BRENNAN: The blanket ret*rd insect activity. ANGELA: Again, not a blanket. HODGINS: Calliphoridae and Sarcophagidae flies are present as adults and early instar larvae... you're not interested in details. Okay. Upshot: this child died at least sixteen weeks ago; long before Logan Bartlett went missing. BRENNAN: I think we're all agreed that this is not the missing child. ANGELA: No, maybe not the famous one but, this is somebody's missing child. (Fade to black) ACT 3 (Cut to the FBI conference room. CAROLINE is closing the sliding door while BRENNAN and BOOTH are inside the room) CAROLINE: So you are positively absetively certain that it isn't Logan Bartlett? BOOTH: Absetively, that's not a word. BRENNAN: Yes, we are certain. CAROLINE: So you people come back from the far-flung corners of the earth, out past the outer suburbs of Timbuktu and you solve the case in a shake? BRENNAN: What's a shake? CAROLINE: Three jiffies in a cha-cha. BOOTH: Cha-cha-cha! BRENNAN: We didn't actually solve the case; all we've done is ascertain that the remains are not those of Logan Bartlett. We still have to figure out whose remains are in Cam's lab and what happened to him. CAROLINE: You are so right, Dr Brennan, how could I have taken my eye off the ball like that? BRENNAN: Blood flow is crucial to cognitive dexterity; perhaps you don't get enough exercise. BOOTH: We figure this out, Cam has a chance to keep her job, right? CAM: That's what you came back for, isn't it? Help out Cam? BOOTH: Absetively! (Cut to the FBI observation room, where the video of TREVOR BARTLETT's interrogation is playing on a screen. SWEETS is watching it) MR BARTLETT: Look, nothing against Carrie. But you got to admit it was crazy to choose the alcoholic mother over the father. It was just a bad decision; something was bound to happen. (BOOTH enters) TREVOR BARTLETT: (on screen) And I'll tell you something else... BOOTH: Sweets! Why are you looking at that? (SWEETS pauses the video) SWEETS: When this guy looks you in the eye, his expressions reach his entire face, not just his mouth. He's speaking in contractions instead of formally. BOOTH: He's telling the truth? SWEETS: Yes! Look; see? He expands himself outwardly, in this communication. A liar doesn't do that, a liar pulls in. Not only is this guy telling the truth; he's relaying facts. BOOTH: Forget about this guy, okay? This is a Missing Persons case right now; it's out of my hands. What's important right now is, we're working on a homicide. What do we have on that? SWEETS: Well, the remains were wrapped, which suggests a sense of ceremony, a loving burial; or, equally possible, shame, which makes sense cause the child's hands and feet where bound with twine. BOOTH: Sex crime. SWEETS: Hard not to go there. BOOTH: Thanks. SWEETS: Yeah... (BOOTH turns to leave) SWEETS: Hey, uh, Booth, can I ask you a personal question? BOOTH: Oh, that depends. About you or me? SWEETS: Me. BOOTH: sh**t. SWEETS: Okay... Daisy just wants to pick up where we left off and I don't know whether to... BOOTH: Move on. SWEETS: Yeah? Like you did? BOOTH: You know what? You asked my opinion, right? I'm gonna give it to you; are you listening? Give yourself a chance to be happy: move on. SWEETS: And that worked for you? BOOTH: Yeah, it did. It did. (SWEETS nods. BOOTH leaves. SWEETS stays, staring at his retrieving back) (Cut to the Royal Diner. Morning. BRENNAN and WENDELL are having breakfast. BRENNAN is looking at an X-ray) WENDELL: If you don't mind me asking, Dr B, why do you keep staring at the X-ray? BRENNAN: Because I'm suffering the nagging certainty that my... (She picks up her glass and holds it between her eyes and the X-ray as she speaks) BRENNAN: ...eyes are seeing something which my brain refuses to process. WENDELL: Isn't your brain supposed to be the smart one? (ANGELA joins them) WENDELL: Hey Ange, you want something to eat? (ANGELA sits down) ANGELA: I do, yes, but... I want it in Paris. Are her eyeballs and brain pan arguing again? WENDELL: Yeah; Clash of the Titans! BRENNAN: Got it! There's nearly imperceptible damage to the hyoid. WENDELL: Little boy got strangled? BRENNAN: No it's not cracked or crushed, it's more like there's a- a hole or a puncture. WENDELL: I'll check it out on the actual bone. (WENDELL stands up and leaves) ANGELA: Sweetie! Sweetie, can I get some attention over here? BRENNAN: Yeah, uh (she puts the X-ray down) - yes it's very good to see you. Because you are my best friend and I love you like a sister - ah, I assume, not having an actual sister to use as a control. ANGELA: Right, yes, yes, I know. So, um... What is the deal with Booth? Is it weird seeing him again? BRENNAN: Not at all weird; very nice. ANGELA: Are there any old... surges... of feelings; anything like that? BRENNAN: Booth fell in love in Afghanistan. ANGELA: Oh! Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry! BRENNAN: Why? Are- Are you in love with Booth? ANGELA: Well, a little bit but... that's not what I mean. Don't tell me that you're happy about him finding somebody else! BRENNAN: I'm very pleased for him. A committed, romantic dyad is exactly the kind of relationship Booth seems to require to be happy. ANGELA: Did you think about Booth at all when you were away? BRENNAN: Yes I did; a- a few times I actually... dreamed about him. ANGELA: Oh, well, there you go! Dreams are very meaningful. BRENNAN: I dreamed about the work we do; I dreamed about catching m*rder and getting justice for... people who were k*lled. What does that mean? ANGELA: It means you're going to die loveless and alone. BRENNAN: I don't follow your reasoning. ANGELA: Sweetie, can you please ask me how I am, please? BRENNAN: Well, I already know how you are. You love living in Paris and you don't miss m*rder and v*olence. ANGELA: What I did miss is... my period. (BRENNAN looks at ANGELA with wide eyes, then hugs her) ANGELA: I hope you're hugging me because you're excited about being an aunt. BRENNAN: No, I'd have to be your sister to do that. Oh! Which I am - metaphorically. ANGELA: Yes, you better be, because I haven't even told Hodgins yet. BRENNAN: Well, anthropologically speaking, women often confide in other women before broaching sensitive subjects with their mates. ANGELA: (she sighs) Okay. (Cut to the Coroner's Lab. WENDELL, CAM, BRENNAN and HODGINS are there. WENDELL is pointing at an X-ray on the screen) WENDELL: Dr Brennan was right, I found a very small puncture in the boy's hyoid. CAM: A puncture; like he was s*ab? HODGINS: That's what I thought; so, I took a close look and I found... (He points BRENNAN to the microscope. She looks) BRENNAN: Cellulose? HODGINS: Wood. My best estimate is hard wood: maple, alder or ash. BRENNAN: I don't believe a s*ab would cause this kind of damage. CAM: How else would a sharp piece of wood come into contact with the hyoid? WENDELL: Maybe a toothpick. BRENNAN: Combined with concomitant damage to the sternum, I propose the following scenario: a child swallows something, perhaps a toothpick; he... chokes, he stops breathing; someone tries to save him. WENDELL: The damage to the sternum was from the Heimlich maneuver. CAM: What about him being tied up like this? HODGINS: Yeah, that mostly looks bad. BRENNAN: There are cultures where the binding of hands and feet is part of the burial ritual: ancient Jews, some Asian cultures, including the subcontinent. HODGINS: Angie says the boy was Asian. CAM: So we're not looking at a m*rder, we're looking at negligence, or maybe even an accident? BRENNAN: Logically, I'd say yes. (Fade to black) ACT 4 (Cut to the Coroner's Lab. HODGINS is there. CAROLINE and CAM enter) HODGINS: Korea! CAM: Korea? HODGINS: The boy was wrapped in a kind of polyester fabric which is not legal in the United States; it's flammable. But, it is very common in North Korea; mostly in outerwear. CAM: That would explain the malnutrition. North Korea's not famous for its cuisine. CAROLINE: North Koreans aren't allowed to leave their country. HODGINS: Well, a few lucky ones escape; mainly to rejoin their families in South Korea. There's something else: the twine there that's binding the boy's hands and feet? It's a very heavy industrial embroidery thread. CAROLINE: Sleeping bags? HODGINS: Yes. Also casket linings, moving blankets, horse blankets... CAM: So, we're looking for an industrial sewing operation with a Korean connection. (HODGINS nods) (Cut to BOOTH and BRENNAN in the SUV) BOOTH: That is one sweatshop, an upholsterer and an awning manufacturer. Okay, what's next? BRENNAN: Hip-Chun Industries. BOOTH: Okay, Hip-Chun. BRENNAN: I- I find this reassuring. BOOTH: What? BRENNAN: Us! Sitting like this; going to check out a possible crime scene. You, refusing to wear your seatbelt... BOOTH: Hey! The going gets rough, you know, I'm not wasting valuable time looking to release a seatbelt catch. BRENNAN: Man of action. BOOTH: That's right; like a jungle cat! Rawrr!! BRENNAN: No, you should say like a flea when referring to lightning-fast reflexes. BOOTH: I'm not going to say I'm like a flea... BRENNAN: It's more accurate. BOOTH: Listen, Bones, we gotta talk about this. BRENNAN: The way my use of accurate similes makes you uncomfortable? BOOTH: No! Are we gonna put the old team back together again? BRENNAN: I dreamed about this. BOOTH: You did? Oh! Oh, you mean you literally dreamt about it. Right, so, you're open to the idea. IBRENNAN: It's an anthropological fact that in any community of individuals there is a linchpin or keystone personality. BOOTH: Uh, the leader, you mean. BRENNAN: Mm, not usually. Mostly it's just a... member of the group who otherwise might seem invisible but... when she leaves, the group disintegrates. BOOTH: She? BRENNAN: Yes, I am obviously the linchpin personality in our group. BOOTH: But, yeah- I left too. BRENNAN: But after I decided to leave. BOOTH: No, you left after I... Alright, the question is, are you back? BRENNAN: (frowning) I'd rather go back to Maluku, but I feel, as a linchpin personality, that I... should put my own selfish desires behind the good of this group. BOOTH: Great, so you're staying. BRENNAN: Yes. BOOTH: Great! There you go! All you have to do is get Hodgins and Angela on board, right? Talk the Jeffersonian into giving us our lab back and then track down all you squinterns. BRENNAN: It's a long list of very difficult tasks! BOOTH: Well, it's not easy being the linchpin now, is it? BRENNAN: Mm, that's true. (Cut to SWEETS and DAISY walking at the FBI corridors) DAISY: Did you make a decision about the ring? SWEETS: Daisy, when Dr Brennan goes back to Maluku, are you going with her? DAISY: Definitely not! SWEETS: Really? (he leaves a file on a desk) DAISY: I don't like snakes. Or being away from... people. Lance, please don't keep me hanging, are we together or not? SWEETS: Well, we're not engaged. DAISY: So you're keeping the ring? SWEETS: I'm keeping the ring. DAISY: Would you like to still be friends? SWEETS: Yes! DAISY: Well, that doesn't work for me! SWEETS: I'm sorry but I'm just not the same guy I was when you left me holding my crushed heart in my hands. (They stop I front of the elevators) DAISY: I know. You wear hats now, and a cute little beard. SWEETS: So... I guess this is goodbye then. DAISY: You'll always be my Lancelot. You'll always be the one that got away, after I threw the one that got away back - but perhaps the sequence of events isn't all that important. SWEETS: It is to me. Bye Daisy. DAISY: Bye Lance. (They kiss briefly, supposedly to say goodbye. They look at each other, then start kissing again, more passionately. The elevator doors open and the agents inside stare at them) (Cut to Hip-Chun Industries. BRENNAN and BOOTH are talking with the boss, PATRICK PARK) PATRICK PARK: My parents emigrated from South Korea at the end of the Korean w*r, but I'm an American citizen. BRENNAN: Do you employ anyone from... North Korea? PATRICK PARK: Yes; an old friend of my father's and his granddaughter escaped to South Korea so we sponsored them. We cleared out a small apartment for them. BOOTH: They work for you here? PATRICK PARK: Yes; the, uh, the old man does minor carpentry and repairs and- and the granddaughter is... right there. (he points to both of them) BOOTH: Does she have a child around three years old? PATRICK PARK: Yes she did but she decided to send him back to his father in South Korea. I gotta tell you, I think she regrets that. And both of them are really screwed up about it. (BRENNAN and BOOTH look at each other) (Cut to the house of the Korean immigrants, KANG MI CHA nad KANG KYU BOK. BOOTH and BRENNAN are with them) BOOTH: (to the woman) You know why I'm here. KANG MI CHA: I not speak very good English. BOOTH: Oh you're doing a really, really good job. Uh, pleased to meet you, sir. (BRENNAN starts walking further inside the house) BOOTH: You understand, though, why I'm here. (KANG KYU BOK and KANG MI CHA speak in Korean) BOOTH: Mr. Park says that you have a- a child. (she nods) Three years old? (she nods again) Um- where is he? (KANG KYU BOK and KANG MI CHA speak in Korean again) BOOTH: Myung Dae; is that your boy's name, Myung Dae? KANG MI CHA: I send Myung Dae back to Korea. (KANG KYU BOK asks something in Korean) (BRENNAN checks the child's wooden cot, takes a wooden screw out of it fairly easily) BRENNAN: Booth...? BOOTH: But we know what happened. Myung Dae choked on a wooden screw. BRENNAN: We know it was an accident; that you tried to save him. But he died. (KANG MI CHA starts sobbing) BOOTH: You wrapped him up in a blanket that you made from your jacket and you buried him with as much love as you could. (KANG MI CHA hugs KANG KYU BOK, crying) (Fade to black) ACT 5 (Cut to the Founding Fathers, evening. CAM, BOOTH and BRENNAN are having drinks) CAM: They were so afraid of the authorities that they buried the child themselves? BOOTH: Y' know, the States, they seem like heaven to them. I mean, they... they probably thought they were going to be ex*cuted or even worse, sent back to North Korea. BRENNAN: What will happen to them? BOOTH: Ah, you know, knowing Caroline, she probably won't even charge 'em. Caroline is a nice person... underneath the whole... you know, not nice... thing. CAM: I'm afraid I have to agree, she got everybody back here to save my job. BOOTH: Why do we only solve crimes when we have a d*ad body? CAM: Seriously? Because I'm a pathologist and she's a forensic anthropologist? Fresh d*ad, long-time d*ad? BOOTH: I was thinking about Logan Bartlett. BRENNAN: The missing boy? BOOTH: Yeah, I checked out the Missing Persons investigation into the father and... The dad buys a car three days after the son disappeared. What kind of father does that? (Cut to a park's playground. Morning. BRENNAN and BOOTH are in the SUV with CARRIE BARTLETT) BOOTH: Mrs. Bartlett, you know that this is a long sh*t, right? CARRIE BARTLETT: You told me to have hope. This is me hoping. BRENNAN: If it's such a long sh*t then why did we bring her? CARRIE BARTLETT: This is the only park near where Trevor's brother lives. Logan loved it. BOOTH: Well, just don't get your hopes up too much, alright? BRENNAN: Oh, I believe she should get her hopes up. BOOTH: Bones, why? (BRENNAN points outside. TREVOR BARTLETT is putting a child on the ground to play. BOOTH gets out of the SUV. So does BRENNAN and CARRIE BARTLETT) BOOTH: Mrs. Bartlett, please stay in the car. CARRIE BARTLETT: That's Logan! Trevor dyed his hair but that's Logan! BOOTH: You just have to trust me, okay? CARRIE BARTLETT: Oh, he's not d*ad; I thought he was d*ad, oh my God! BOOTH: Just trust me. (TREVOR BARTLETT is dialing a number on his cell phone) BRENNAN: The man is ignoring his child. Why would he do that if he loves him so much? BOOTH: He doesn't love him; he kidnapped him to hurt his wife. BRENNAN: I find I would like to strike him! BOOTH: Oh, let's hope he runs, right; then I'll take him down like a flea. Alright? So, when I get between Logan and the dad you make sure that you get Mrs. Bartlett to the child. Alright? (BOOTH starts approaching TREVOR BARTLETT. The guy notices him and starts running away, but BOOTH catches him and they both fall to the ground. BRENNAN and CARRIE BARTLETT run to the LOGAN BARTLETT) BRENNAN: Logan! Hi! Hi, how are you? (LOGAN smiles) I have found someone. (CARRIE BARTLETT hugs LOGAN. BOOTH handcuffs TREVOR BARTLETT and gives a thumbs-up to BRENNAN) CARRIE BARTLETT: Missed you! I missed you! Baby! (she sobs) (Cut to the Royal Diner. HODGINS and ANGELA are entering) HODGINS: Oh, you wanna stay? Here? In DC? ANGELA: I think it would be good if we had the baby here, in the States. HODGINS: A baby! Our baby! 9they sit next to the counter) Still sounds so weird; we're gonna have a baby! We're gonna stay in the States, to have our baby. ANGELA: Yeah, all that wine in France is now totally wasted on me. (to the waitress) Tea, please. (to HODGINS) Why did you suddenly get quiet? HODGINS: Oh, because I am so happy! ANGELA: Okay; so you don't mind then. HODGINS: Are you kidding? This is the greatest news I've ever gotten. ANGELA: No. No, I mean about- about staying in the States. HODGINS: Mind? Angie, I only love Paris because you love Paris, but... catching bad guys, that's what I'm made for. You're not... doing this for me? ANGELA: You mean the way you went to Paris for me? No I'm- I'm doing it for the baby. HODGINS: The baby! We're gonna have a baby. I'm gonna be a dad. ANGELA: You know what else I've been realizing too, is that we are actually the glue that holds the whole clattery operation together. HODGINS: A baby. I'm gonna be a daddy. ANGELA: Okay. Alright, we'll finish this conversation when you have your brain back. I think that we should also- we should just keep it between us until past the first trimester, okay? (HODGINS nods and starts tearing up) ANGELA: Oh... If you cry... Don't cry, if you cry then I'm gonna start crying and then... (Cut to the Founding Fathers. Evening. CAROLINE, BRENNAN and BOOTH are having drinks. They're clinking their glasses) CAROLINE: The whole Scooby g*ng is coming back. BOOTH: That's right, we're back! CAROLINE: That's how it should be. You got something magic, you don't scatter it to the ins of the earth; you concentrate it in one place. There isn't a single normal law enforcement officer who could work with these people. (BOOTH's phone starts ringing) BOOTH: I'm the linchpin, okay, I'm the linchpin! (he answers the phone) Booth! CAROLINE: What are you staring at? BRENNAN: It's you! CAROLINE: What's "me"? BRENNAN: You are the linchpin! You managed to get us all back here and then you fixed it so we'd stay! CAROLINE: I have no idea what you're talking about, Dr Brennan. BRENNAN: Thank you. CAROLINE: You're welcome. BRENNAN: I find I'd like to hug you. (BRENNAN starts to hug CAROLINE but she backs off, looking at her incredulously. BOOTH returns) BOOTH: Cam's back to the Jeffersonian. Uh- why are you staring at Bones like that? CAROLINE: I prefer you don't leave us alone, together. BOOTH: (to BRENNAN) Why? What'd you do? (BRENNAN shrugs) (Cut to the entrance of the Medico-Legal Lab, at the Jeffersonian. CAM unlocks the sliding doors and her, BRENNAN BOOTH, DAISY, SWEETS, ANGELA, HODGINS and CAROLINE enter) CAM: Well, I think we should thank Dr Brennan for insisting that the Jeffersonian reform a forensic unit on the premises. BRENNAN: And we should recognize that Booth's return to duty at the FBI means that we can work with him again. BOOTH: So how come I'm not the linchpin here? I'm the linchpin. CAM: I would like to say thanks personally, to all of you for dropping everything you were doing... SWEETS: ...fighting wars. WENDELL: ...searching for the origins of humanity. DAISY: ...and totally failing! ANGELA: ...making beautiful music for shoppers... CAM: You are all my true friends; and I won't forget it. But, let there be no mistake, I am the boss and I am in charge. (CAM turns on the lights. We see a pre-historic mastodon exhibit on the forensic platform, part of an exhibition taking place in the area.) CAM: Oh! That's really gonna get in the way! (Everybody is staring at it with their mouths agape) CAROLINE: Totally not my problem! (CAROLINE leaves) HODGINS: Uh... I- I have an announcement to make. ANGELA: Oh, yeah, yes- HODGINS: Yeah. ANGELA: Yes, he does, um- we're- we're gonna go home! So... okay? HODGINS: No, Iet- (ANGELA and HODGINS leave) CAM: I'm going for drinks. WENDELL: I'm with you! (CAM and WENDELL leave) DAISY: Oh, can Sweets and I come? I mean, not together, just at the same time, cause we're not together anymore, right? SWEETS: Right. DAISY: I won't sit next to you! I promise. (SWEETS and DAISY leave) BRENNAN: Did you see how happy Hodgins was, to be back at work? I'm definitely doing the right thing. BOOTH: Okay, I think there's a little more going out there, Bones. Wow! Okay... That thing is really big! BRENNAN: It's a lot to work around. BOOTH: Uh, we've worked around bigger. Metaphorically speaking. BRENNAN: Metaphorically. BOOTH: Welcome home, Bones. BRENNAN: Thank you! Welcome home, Booth. (They glance sideways at each other. Fade to black) END.

{"type": "series", "show": "Bones", "episode": "06x01 - The Mastodon in the Room"}

foreverdreaming

THE COUPLE IN THE CAVE TEASER (Open: Daytime. Taylor National Park. A couple - TRACEY and MICHAEL are pushing through the trees.) TRACEY: We're lost. We're totally lost. MICHAEL: We're fine, Tracey. TRACEY: I told you hiking was crazy. We should have just bought plaid shirts and gone to a resort. MICHAEL: We'll h*t the trail as long as we keep heading west and we're heading west. (They stop.) TRACEY: You don't know that Michael. MICHAEL: Tracey that's the sun so that's south and that's west. TRACEY: That's what you say. MICHAEL: Its not my opinion. It has to do with the position of the sun. TRACEY: Oh please this whole direction thing is totally arbitrary. We're lost and we're gonna to die out here. (She is growing hysterical.) And they're gonna find our bones one day and I hate you. MICHAEL: Yeah you know what, just follow me or they will find your bones because I'll k*ll you. Now come on. (He marches off.) (He stops and sighs. It has started to rain.) MICHAEL: Great! (Thunder rumbles.) TRACEY: God. Its starting to rain. MICHAEL: Look there's a cave over there. TRACEY: A cave? MICHAEL: Look if you don't like it then stay out here. (Heads for the cave.) TRACEY: Well don't leave me all alone. (follows after him, they both stop in the mouth of the cave and stare inside) Oh we are so totally gonna die. Bastard. MICHAEL: We are not gonna die. (Gets out flashlight) TRACEY: Says you. (Flashlight ghosts over the walls, there's one corpse, then another.) MICHAEL: Oh my God, we're totally gonna die. (He runs away, she screams rooted to the spot then runs after him) (CUT TO: SPECIAL AGENT SEELEY BOOTH and DR. TEMPERANCE BRENNAN trekking through the woods, daytime following after PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT) BRENNAN: So, have you talked to Hannah since you got back? BOOTH: Oh yeah, a couple of times. She said she's waiting for her new assignment, probably in Southern Iraq. BRENNAN: I find it novelist that you would leave her since you believe so emphatically in the mythic powers of love. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Do you understand what she's saying? BOOTH: Just nod. BRENNAN: What... but I'm just saying that you wanted to fall in love and you did in Afghanistan/ PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: You were in Afghanistan? BOOTH: Yeah I just got back. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Ah. I was stationed as a Staff Sergeant in Kandahar, I served with my brother in '04. BOOTH: I am, well I was a Ranger. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Well, you guys are awesome. My brother didn't make it back. BOOTH: Oh. Sorry. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: It was worse for his wife and kid. I take care of them now. Sorry I didn't mean to bring this down. You were er, saying something about a woman you left behind. BOOTH: Oh, I didn't leave her behind. It was her decision to stay. BRENNAN: Well, maybe you didn't really love her. BOOTH: No I do. I do love her. (Desperate to change the subject) So is this the cave then? PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Yeah, this is it. (CUT TO: INTERIOR OF CAVE. Close up on remains, BRENNAN is crouched inspecting them) BRENNAN: This one is a male - late twenties early thirties. This is a female same approximate age PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Its kinda sad, the way they're holding each other, right? BOOTH: (Poised to take notes.) Yeah what happened there, Bones? BRENNAN: Multiple fractures, more severe on the female. It appears they've been bludgeoned. BOOTH: (Groans) its like he couldn't let her go. BRENNAN: It would appear that way. It wouldn't make any comparisons with your current situation BOOTH: Oh, oh thanks for that. Thank you. BRENNAN: Maggots and other insect activity seem to have cleaned the bodies of tissue. Some of the bone on the skull as well PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Yeah, that'll happen pretty fast out here. BRENNAN: Well it makes determining the time of death more difficult. I'll need the remains transported back to the Jeffersonian along with the rocks and the surrounding soil. BOOTH: Right. Maybe you could lead the forensics team, Sarge, so nobody gets lost. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Yeah. BOOTH: Alright. Lets go. (BRENNAN and BOOTH make their way out of the CAVE) BRENNAN: Careful of your head. BOOTH: Yeah don't worry. (Close up on remains) (CUT TO: THE DINER. Daytime) BOOTH: So the forensics team said the remains should be in the lab in a couple of hours. BRENNAN: It seems like we were never away from each other doesn't it? BOOTH: Yeah. You okay with that? BRENNAN: Of course. Why? BOOTH: Why? Because seven months ago you said you didn't want to be surround by the crime and death and sadness. BRENNAN: Well I needed time to rationally access the best use of my considerable skills. Factoring in that we have such a strong and mutually beneficial relationship I concluded that I could be most useful solving crimes. BOOTH: Right. So your happy to be working together? BRENNAN: That's what I just said. BOOTH: Great! BRENNAN: Me too. (Everything is not great) So, do you miss her? BOOTH: Yeah of course I do. (He's uncomfortable talking about it) BRENNAN: Well, if there's anything that I can do... BOOTH: Yeah. I didn't leave Hannah you know, I had to come back because of Parker. BRENNAN: I know. BOOTH: I couldn't ask her to leave anymore than she could get me to stay. BRENNAN: I'm sorry I brought it up. (BOOTH sees something out of the window - there crossing the street is a casually dressed blonde that he recognizes) BOOTH: Oh my God! (He get up, the blonde walks in] Hannah! Hey! What are you doing here? (He's so excited, so happy) HANNAH: We can talk in a minute. (She grabs him and kisses him) I put in a request to be assigned to the Washington press core. BOOTH: That's something you said you'd never do. HANNAH: That was before I realized how much I hated waking up alone. (They kiss again. BRENNAN walks up) BRENNAN: Hello.(She interrupts their kissing. BOOTH is annoyed, HANNAH a little shocked) I'm Temperance Brennan. HANNAH: Ah. I've heard a lot about you. Hannah Burley. BRENNAN: I assumed. (BOOTH has big grin on his face - its awkward) BOOTH: Yeah. (HANNAH squeals and kisses him again - BRENNAN stands by and watches brave faced, pained) (OPENING CREDITS) (CUT TO: Medico-Legal Lab; Platform. DR. CAMILLE SAROYAN, DR. TEMPERANCE BRENNAN, DR. CLARK EDDISON and ANGELA MONTENEGROCOLIN FISHER hover over first victim, DR. JACK HODGINS over the second victim) CLARK: I was passed over for a promotion in Chicago; when I heard Dr Brennan was back I jumped at the chance to work here again. BRENNAN: That shows excellent judgment. Most of the fractures on the female are localized to the left posterior side. CLARK: You know, there are multiple breaks on the femur, pelvis, vertebrae- CAM: (Interrupting) So what was it like to meet Hannah? BRENNAN: Oh, she seems very pleasant and attractive. Her face fits comfortably within the golden ratio. HODGINS: So, you guys did math together? (Joins them by the first victim) BRENNAN: No. The golden ratio is a formula that determines beauty - one to one point six one eight. For instance, the width of the mouth to the width of the cheeks- ANGELA: So, she's hot? CLARK: (Interrupting) I see some, uh, particulates here Dr. Hodgins, you know if we still care about finding out what happened to these poor people. CAM: I just assumed that when you guys got back for your trip that you'd be a real couple. BRENNAN: We were never a couple. CLARK: Dr Saroyan you assured me that you would try to keep this work place professional. CAM: And I will Dr Eddison. ANGELA: No, no, no. You were a couple. You just weren't having sex. Were you jealous. (CLARK rolls his eyes and backs away) BRENNAN: Of course not. I'm happy for booth. Why would I be jealous? CLARK: (Is leaning over the second victim. He snaps, exasperated) Because its obvious you and Agent Booth were attracted to each other, I mean even a blind man could see that. I just couldn't understand why you two did rip each others clothes off. (All the Squints turn to stare) I mean just get all butt naked and (He realizes what he's saying, he turns around) Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Er. Um. Er. I'm sorry. Er... It just popped out. Okay. You guys weren't focusing. HODGINS: Dude, (He leans over conspiratorially) A little self control. (Clark doesn't know what to say. Angela is totally amused, she knew he wasn't as straight laced as he seemed.) (CUT TO FBI BUILDING. DAYTIME HANNAH and BOOTH are walking through the halls) HANNAH: I hitched a ride on a C130- BOOTH: -Oh. HANNAH: -Coming back from Baghdad. We got fired on twice. I was sitting next to some guy from AP who wet his fatigues. BOOTH: [chuckles.] I just can't believe that you're here. Its so strange. HANNAH: Truthfully baby neither can I. (ENTERS BOOTH'S OFFICE) BOOTH: So, are you sure that working for the press core it going to be exciting enough for you? HANNAH: I'll make sure it is. BOOTH: God I missed you. (They kiss) Mmm. I wish I could take some time off but we're in the middle of a double homicide. HANNAH: Forget it. We have all the time in the world now. They put me up at the DuPont Hotel, call me when your free. BOOTH: Alright. DuPont. The place is a dump. Alright listen, I'll stop by later, here's my key to my place. What you got to do is get it in there, move it left instead of right and when you here the lock pop give it a kick HANNAH: That sounds filthy (They kiss, they are interrupted by a knock, break apart embarrassed) See you later. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Sorry is this a bad time? BOOTH: No come on in. How can I help you? PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Thought your girl was still in Afghanistan? BOOTH: Ah, well, she surprised me. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Explains the grin. I'll make this quick. A guy I work with told me about another m*rder out there almost ten years ago, some squatter who lived out in the woods, he went out after someone he thought was trespassing BOOTH: On federal land? PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Yeah, well the squatter didn't recognize the federal government. Anyway, he b*at this guy so bad he died. I just wanted to give you a copy of the original file. BOOTH: Why didn't you just call me? PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Yeah I coulda. When I heard we were both combat vets, I guess I wanted in a little more action than I get in the park. BOOTH: You know, look, we both have our jurisdictions. I can't authorize you too... PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Yeah, I was... I just thought that... Nah, I understand. You're right. Sorry. BOOTH: Tell you what, when I'm in the park your my guy. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Thanks. BOOTH: Thanks for this. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Its just that I... I always felt that there was now that I could have done for my brother, maybe he'd still be here. Guess I'm just trying to do that little extra is all. BOOTH: We always feel that way when we lose someone. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Yeah. BOOTH: Tell you what, whilst you're here why don't you go and pick up and application, I mean the bureau is always looking for good men and with your service record... Tell Jenny in personnel that I sent you. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: I will. Thanks. (CUT TO JEFFERSONIAN HODGINS LAB - HODGINS is vacuuming particulates from the female corpse. Enter ANGELA.) ANGELA: OK that's gross. HODGINS: I'm vacuuming their noses or what used to be their noses. Its fun. Wanna to help? ANGELA: You are not playing with our children without supervision. HODGINS: I'm retrieving pollen that would have been present as they took their last breath, we can match that with the daily pollen count chart the that forest service keeps. ANGELA: Ah, which gives us an accurate time of death. HODGINS: Suddenly what I'm doing is pretty cool, isn't it? ANGELA: Kind of. A little. Yeah. HODGINS: How you feeling? Baby making you sick today? ANGELA: No. The only place I'm not nauseous is here, which is weird because this place always used to make me sick before. HODGINS: Well when you feel better we can take off for our Babymoon. ANGELA: Babymoon? HODGINS: Yeah you know, last trip before we lose all freedom and become our parents which in your case is OK because you know your dad is pretty cool. ANGELA:Well we should go back to Paris. HODGINS: (Does a French accent) But of course. Where else? And you get to eat whatever you like because you're going to look like the Hindenburg anyway. ANGELA: Nice. Nice. HODGINS: (Backpedaling) More to love. You know. More to love. ANGELA: Hmm. HODGINS: Did you ID the victim yet? ANGELA: Hmm. Sort of. (She logs onto PC) The woman is Hilary Fuller, I got a match off the DMV which led to the missing persons report filed by her boss but the guys skulls was a little bit harder. (ANGELA'S RECONSTRUCTION APPEARS ON SCREEN) HODGINS: George Clooney. ANGELA: The victim's skull was funky so this was the best I could do. HODGINS: Oh victim, who art though. (CUT TO FBI BUILDING - BOOTH is walking down a corridor, he glances to the left then rolls his eyes.) SWEETS: Oh, Agent Booth... (SWEETS appears) BOOTH: No. SWEETS: No, what? BOOTH: Nah, I'm not going to talk about Hannah. SWEETS: Ah, I just want you to know that I understand that this can be a loaded situation and if you need any help... BOOTH: You should just take care of your own house first. SWEETS: I imagine you are referring to me and Daisy. BOOTH: Yeah you know that whole on again off again thing, its not good. SWEETS: I know. I know. I'm trying to deal with it. But I find that if I consider making a clean break you know, that although it opens up my world sexually- BOOTH: -Whoa- SWEETS: I might lose- BOOTH: -You're really talking about that now SWEETS: No. No. Of course not. BOOTH: That's good. Good Pal. SWEETS: But to wrap up, Daisy and I have no obligations to each other, no commitments. We're just riding that wave. BOOTH: Ride the wave. You hang ten. I'm gonna go a solve a m*rder. Don't forget the SPF. (SWEETS nods feeling like the conversation was a good one) (CUT TO FBI CONFERENCE ROOM) [A man waits. Booth enters] BOOTH: So, you reported Hilary Fuller missing? HILARY'S BOSS: Yes. She was my marketing manager. Um, she'd only worked for me for a few months but er, it wasn't like her to just disappear so I called her place, her cell and I got worried. BOOTH: (Makes himself a coffee) Right. Do you take an interest in all your employees? HILARY'S BOSS: What do you mean? BOOTH: Oh, well you're single, Hilary is very attractive. HILARY'S BOSS: Hey, I came down here to help. Now I'm a suspect. BOOTH: Why are you so defensive? I'm just asking a question. HILARY'S BOSS: Look, Hilary she seemed great, we went to lunch a couple of times, she put on the breaks... BOOTH: And you were okay with that? HILARY'S BOSS: Yes. Yes, she didn't want to get involved. Its cool. I'm a big boy. BOOTH: You recognize this man? (Pulls out Angela's pic of George Clooney) HILARY'S BOSS: Sure. Its George Clooney. (Booth groans/sighs, its not the answer he's looking for.) She was k*lled by George Clooney? BOOTH: Its not Clooney. Its the other victim. You know what I think? I think Hilary and this other man were k*lled by somebody who was very jealous. HILARY'S BOSS: I reported her missing, remember? BOOTH: I do. I remember. Yeah. (CUT TO THE JEFFERSONIAN - ANGELA'S OFFICE - ON TV SCREEN A NEWS FEED OF HANNAH REPORTING) HANNAH: (ON TV) I'm here in the USA Base in the Khost Province where a b*mb has just gone off ANGELA: (Talks over the TV) She is hot. (BRENNAN is with her. BRENNAN: Yes, she's in Afghanistan the temperate is frequently over 100 degrees. ANGELA: No. Attractive hot. Sexy hot. BRENNAN: Of course. ANGELA: So, Booth seems happy with her right? BRENNAN: Yes. He always wanted to find someone to share his life. I don't think he expected it to happen like this. Just like you. ANGELA: Like me? BRENNAN: Well, you've also found a mate although you never expected to be in a long term monogamous relationship. ANGELA: Yeah, well, love sort of decided that for me. Like Cam, she never expected to be a parent. BRENNAN: So, I'm the only one living the life I expected. ANGELA: Well, how's that honey? BRENNAN: Its um, as I expected. (HODGINS Enters): HODGINS: I have time of... Whoa.. Wow. Is that her? ANGELA: Don't drool Hodgins. HODGINS: Huh? No. No. No. Only when I look at you Angie. May I? (Reaches for the remote in Angela's hands) I, er found time of death. I cross referenced the pollen from the nasal cavity with the chart from the forest service. They died two weeks ago on the 13th. (BRENNAN leaves. Hodgins put the news back on and stares, Angela looks at him expectantly.) HODGINS: She's not that great really. Homely actually, when compared to you. (Angela mockingly agrees with him) ANGELA: Keep going. Don't stop. HODGINS: Goddess on high. Mother of my unborn child. Love of (Angela walks away) my life. (Hodgins follows after one last look at TV) (CUT TO DC STREETS then FBI BUILDING - Brennan and Booth talk and walk in the office) BOOTH: So, you're sure they died on the 13th? BRENNAN: Hodgins was certain. Why? BOOTH: The park ranger mentioned a k*lling it was you know a while ago so I checked it out, here let me use this computer. Winston Hinkle, he had a history of mental illness, he got into a big fight with a camper and ended up beating him to death. He got 8yrs for manslaughter BRENNAN: What does this got to do with the 13th? BOOTH: Well, he was released two weeks ago on the 11th. Parole officer said he lives right outside the park. (CUT TO BOOTH'S SUV - BOOTH and SWEETS) SWEETS: So, Hinkle was diagnosed with bipolar and cyclothymia disorder with episodes of paranoia. BOOTH: Okay, so why would they let him out? SWEETS: Well, the attending psychiatrist feels that his illness is under control. He's taking his meds, hasn't had a serious episode in over three years. (BOOTH'S phone rings.) BOOTH: Booth. Ah, hey! Ah, ha. No I'm just working. No, not Bones. Sweets. Sure. Alright. See you then. You too. (Hangs up) What are you staring at? Don't do that. SWEETS: Its just I find it interesting that you'd be so self conscious on the phone. BOOTH: Really? Interesting? Because I'm having a private conversation in front of someone who's really nosy. SWEETS: Well, you could be self conscious because I know your history with Dr Brennan. I mean its natural to have mixed feelings. BOOTH: Do you want to know what I'm feeling? SWEETS: Yeah. BOOTH: Do you really want to know what I'm feeling? SWEETS: Please. BOOTH: Okay, when I left Afghanistan I was miserable thinking that I would never see Hannah again. And why do you think that is huh, Dr Phil? SWEETS: Why don't you tell me? BOOTH: Because I'm crazy about her. Because my life is just way better when we're together right which is why I'm happy. The past is the past. Okay. I'm happy sweets. SWEETS: I believe you. BOOTH: Yeah. SWEETS: You're a lucky man. BOOTH: I know. Now, get on your shrinky mojo so you can pick up any left over crazies that the other doctor might have missed. SWEETS: My shrinky mojo? That's how it works? BOOTH: Yeah that's how it works. Stop staring at me like that. (PULL UP AT HINKLE'S TRAILER - HINKLE comes out unawares with an axe in hand. BOOTH and SWEETS pull up and get out.) BOOTH: (Takes a look at HINKLE) Oh. OK. SWEETS: You did bring your g*n, right? BOOTH: Yeah. HINKLE: This is private property. You're trespassing. BOOTH: FBI. Mr Hinkle, I just have to ask you a few questions. HINKLE: I did my time. I check in with my parole officer every week. BOOTH: Right, well, do I need to tell your parole officer that you were belligerent or cooperative? Which do you think he'd be happier with. HINKLE: If you got a question, just ask it. BOOTH: Yeah. A couple was found d*ad here in the park, two days after you were released. HINKLE: Uh, I guess I should have expected this. BOOTH: Expected to be caught? SWEETS: He means expected to be perceived as the man he was. That's what your doctor told you? HINKLE: I'm on my meds. I turned my life around. I know what I did was wrong, of course why should anybody else believe that. SWEETS: You have court ordered therapy sessions twice a week, any trouble making it out to those sessions from here? HINKLE: Nope. BOOTH: OK, you account for your whereabouts on the 13th? HINKLE: Nope. SWEETS: You recognize these people? HINKLE: Him. Yeah. They show us his movies in prison. BOOTH: Its not George Clooney. These are the victims. Beaten like the guy you k*lled. HINKLE: I deserve this I know, but I didn't k*ll anybody, I swear. BOOTH: I'm gonna keep an eye on you, Winston. (BOOTH and SWEETS walk away) So? SWEETS: He seems to be telling the truth but his meds could be masking a lie. BOOTH: You know, honestly, your whole mojo was disappointing. SWEETS: My mojo is good. (Get back in car) (CUT TO JEFFERSONIAN -PLATFORM- CAM, BRENNAN AND CLARK looking at computer) CAM: The injuries on the female indicate that the left posterior ribs eight through eleven shattered piercing the heart, lungs and kidneys. BRENNAN: Her scapula is also broken which could have pierced the lung. CLARK: His injuries were more presented in the interior and weren't as severe. CAM: Internal bleeding would have taken much longer to k*ll him, he could have gone for help. CLARK: The woman was bleeding out, perhaps he didn't want to leave her. CAM: So he stayed and held her and she died in his arms. BRENNAN: We need to discover why the injuries were localized his in the front and hers in the back. No one would deliver a beating so carefully. (CUT TO FOUNDING FATHER'S BAR - BOOTH, BRENNAN and HANNAH share a table) HANNAH: Seeley tells me you're the best partner he's ever had. BRENNAN: Well I'm sure that's true. I'm not only gifted intellectually and internationally known but I'm also highly skilled in various methods of self defense. HANNAH: (Impressed) I like a person who isn't hampered by modesty. I have two Peabody's, a National Press Award and I have been wounded three times getting stories. I kick Christiane Amanpour's ass. BRENNAN: We are both quite impressive. Booth never told me how you met. HANNAH: It was outside Marja, the Taliban controlled the area, and I was going in to interview one of the leaders. BOOTH: She was told not to go in but you know of course it didn't matter, she goes in. HANNAH: I was heading to a cafe, walking across this little town square, an insurgent opened f*re. Anyway Seeley was there. I didn't notice at the time. He was hidden of course. I was scrambling for cover, the sn*per still f*ring when I heard another sh*t ring out, the sn*per dropped - wounded not k*lled because he might having information. Seeley never went for the k*ll unless he could help it. BRENNAN: He saved your life. BOOTH: Well you know what, we met on the field. We'll leave it at that, shall we? HANNAH: Lets just say that I was very appreciative. BRENNAN: You're implying that you showed your appreciation sexually. HANNAH: Oh, yeah! BOOTH: Yeah. HANNAH: Under a fig tree. BOOTH: I never liked figs, now I love 'em! HANNAH: I know. (BOOTH and HANNAH laugh at the memory. BRENNAN'S phone rings) BRENNAN: (She answers her phone)Brennan. Oh Booth is here too. I'll put you on speakerphone. (INTERCUT WITH HODGINS IN LAB) HODGINS: Hey. So I found eggs from the Sternarinker Aphidotia, they were on George Clooney. BOOTH: Its like pulling teeth from this guy. OK Hodgins, the eggs from chickens or.. HODGINS: I just told you, aphids. So I hatched the eggs and it turns out aphids are wingless HANNAH: This is fascinating. HODGINS: Who's that? BOOTH & BRENNAN: Hannah HODGINS: Oh. Hey. Hi. (Fawning) nice to meet you. I, uh, um...Hodgins. Dr Hodgins. I am a big big fan. I just read the piece when you stuck it to SENCOM in 2009. HANNAH: Thanks. HODGINS: Hey, maybe while your here you could find out why every time there's a big story like an earthquake or government corruption there's always some celebrity story that takes focus- BOOTH: Hodgins. HODGINS: You know the BP oil spill, Lindsay Lohan goes to jail and the country takes their eye off the ball. BOOTH: Hodgins. HANNAH: Media is used to distract us all the time. BOOTH: You're taking him seriously. HANNAH: Michael Jackson's funeral is on 24hrs a day and nobody finds out about the coup in Honduras officially. HODGINS: I love this woman. BRENNAN: We were talking about wingless aphids Dr Hodgins. HODGINS: We were. Right. Yeah. Yes. No. We were. So wingless aphids they couldn't have existed where we found the remains. They live in windier environments at a higher altitudes so I checked the wind patterns at various altitudes and I found some cabins in the park that hikers use to rest they must have been there. BOOTH: The male victim may have left something which might ID him. You know thanks Hodgins. We should get back to the park. HANNAH: And I should get to Capitol Hill. I'm covering the Armed Services hearing. BOOTH: I'll see you back at the apartment. HANNAH: Yes. [BOOTH and HANNAH kiss] (CUT TO CABINS IN TAYLOR NATIONAL PARK - BOOTH, BRENNAN and PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT) PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: If George Clooney had been up here I'm sure I'd remember him. BOOTH: That's not funny. BRENNAN: Apparently its not a very accurate sketch. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: I'm sorry I don't recognize either one of them. Hundreds of people come to the park everyday. BOOTH: It was worth a sh*t. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: The cabins are inspected weekly. If anything was found I'm sure it would be in the lost and found. BRENNAN: There doesn't seem to be anything in the cabin. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: I, er filled out my application like you said. You know if we work well together maybe you could give me a recommendation. Brothers in arms and all. BOOTH: We'll see what happens. BRENNAN: Look at this Booth. BOOTH: Wow. Look at all these names, huh, we're talking 'bout a love shack. (Amused) PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Couples have been known to use the shelter for a romantic interlude. BRENNAN: Like a fig tree. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Beg your pardon. BOOTH: Nothing. I like figs. Look at this. This is fresh. 9/13 the day they died. BRENNAN: HF. Hilary Fuller. BOOTH: Yeah but who is FV. (CUT TO JEFFERSONIAN -PLATFORM- BRENNAN and CLARK look at findings on computer) CLARK: I was trying anything that would get us an ID on our mystery man so I analyzed his Strontium isotope composition of his teeth; now it indicated that the victim spent the first twenty or so years in Central America BRENNAN: Probably Guatemala based on the oxygen ratios. (CAM joins them bringing up her own results on computer) CAM: Well the remaining tissue I collected from his hands shows a high level of nicotine. CLARK: So, he had green tobacco sickness. BRENNAN: He was a migrant worker picking tobacco, which we might be we can't get a match for him. CLARK: So, the initials FV would be Spanish in origin? CAM: But Hilary Fuller was a college educated woman with a good job at a marketing firm. Why would she romantically involved with a migrant worker? BRENNAN: See if the victims share any additional genetic or environmental markers (CUT TO DINER - BOOTH, SWEETS and BRENNAN eat at counter) SWEETS: She was a marketing director and he was a migrant worker. I can't believe they were a romantic couple. BOOTH: Just because they have different backgrounds, what, you're saying they can't be in love? BRENNAN: Your belief in the power of love is admiral Booth but an affair between these two is an anthropological anomaly SWEETS: Yeah, I mean crossing class boundaries that extreme would be rare and indicate that our victims had something in common that we haven't discovered yet. BOOTH: So its not possible for two people to overcome their differences? BRENNAN: We couldn't. BOOTH: What? SWEETS: She right. BOOTH: What? This is not about us. BRENNAN: Sometimes when I was away I would imagine us together. (Both BOOTH and SWEETS look at her in shock) SWEETS: Really? BRENNAN: Well, while pleasant it was clearly a fantasy because we are also anomalies you were lucky enough to meet someone with whom you have parody. BOOTH: Love. With whom I have love. SWEETS: You guys want to talk about this. BOOTH: Nope. SWEETS: No, 'cause I figure that now Hannah is a part of your life- BOOOTH: Why don't you focus on what connected them if they were so incompatible. OK, that's easy enough for you to do. (BRENNAN'S phone rings) BRENNAN: (Answers her phone) Brennan. (INTERCUT TO LAB - CLARK and CAM) CLARK: I found the connection. Osteopenia. Both victims exhibit low bone mass and suppressed bone formation BRENNAN: They were alcoholics SWEETS: Oh that's the connection. CLARK: Now although Hilary Fuller's bones were still weak her osteoblasts did show evidence of a recent increase in bone growth sufficient to show she hadn't been drinking for at least two years. CAM: I did a count on the male victims osteoblasts too and found that they were also returning to normal. BRENNAN: So he had also stopped drinking. CAM: But according to the figures only within the last year. BRENNAN: Alright thanks. (Hangs up) So both of them had stopped drinking, she more than 2 years ago, he less than a year BOOTH: I know the connection. AA. (CUT TO AA MEETING - BOOTH and BRENNAN) BOOTH: Excuse me (flashes his badge at HANK) FBI. I see you're wearing your chip so you have probably been coming here a little while, huh? HANK: This is a safe environment. We don't want to rat out our friends here. BOOTH: Just want to ask you a few questions about Hilary Fuller. She used to live in this area so this was probably her meeting. HANK: I ain't talking to no cop. LORRAINE ALLEN: Don't be such an asshat Hank. (He walks off) I knew Hilary. What happened did she fall of the wagon? BRENNAN: No but she is d*ad. We believe m*rder. LORRAINE ALLEN: God! BOOTH: You still haven't learned how to ease into that one, right Bones. BRENNAN: Do you recognize this man? LORRAINE ALLEN: He k*lled her? He seemed so nice in the movies. BRENNAN: No, this is the other victim who was found with Hilary; his initials are FV. LORRAINE ALLEN: FV. Oh, Felix. He does kinda look like George Clooney. Wait. I, I... I can't believe this. Felix is gone too. BRENNAN: They were found in Taylor National Park in a cave. LORRAINE ALLEN: Makes sense. BOOTH: Why's that? LORRAINE ALLEN: If Hilary was sponsoring someone she would take them into the woods so they could get in touch with themselves. BOOTH: Its a good way to assess the, you know, damages they've done in their lives and make amends. LORRAINE ALLEN: Yeah. You in the program? BOOTH: Well, I'm a gambler but I haven't laid a bet in years but I do miss the coffee here though. BRENNAN: Were Hilary and Felix romantically involved? LORRAINE ALLEN: Its not supposed to happen with your sponsor but they just kinda clicked and he was having some trouble as home. I guess his girlfriend was jealous because Hilary was helping Felix stay sober. BOOTH: Right. And they were falling in love. LORRAINE ALLEN: That too. I guess his girlfriend couldn't handle it. That's life right. Things change. (BOOTH and BRENNAN share a heavy look, they know what she means) BRENNAN: Uh, do you know where we can find Felix's girlfriend? (CUT TO FBI INTEROGATION ROOM - BOOTH and FELIX'S GIRLFRIEND) LUPE ROJAS: Felix was no saint. He might have a been a teacher in Guatemala but here he was just a drunk. You have his record there. BOOTH: Right. Drunk and disorderly, buying alcohol for a minor, petty theft - not major crimes. LUPE ROJAS: You're defending him now. That kid he bought booze for got into an accident or something. BOOTH: I'm just trying to find out who k*lled Felix and right now you're looking like a good suspect LUPE ROJAS: Nah, Screw you man. BOOTH: Screw me? LUPE ROJAS: Yeah, screw you. I was always there for him. I bailed the bastard out of jail. I cleaned him up after he was so drunk he slept in the street and then he cheats on me... BOOTH: You don't seem too upset to find out he's d*ad. LUPE ROJAS: You live with a drunk, you expect them to die. I guess I was ready. BOOTH: Right, so, you weren't needed anymore once he got sober, right. LUPE ROJAS: I wasted my time with him. He wasn't a real man. A real man can take a drink and he can still party. He was not a man. BOOTH: He was to another woman. That must have made you angry. Why didn't you report him missing? LUPE ROJAS: Because I just thought he run off with that bitch. BOOTH: So you followed him to the woods just to make sure that it was true. LUPE ROJAS: You found him in the woods. I got allergies I don't go to the woods. BOOTH: Well people do crazy things when they're angry. Can you account where you were on the 13th Lupe? LUPE ROJAS: I don't have to talk to you. I don't have to say anything. (CUT TO BOOTH'S APARTMENT -Bedroom- Clothes scattered everywhere - laughing. BOOTH and HANNAH) HANNAH: Well, this is the best lunch I've had in a long time. BOOTH: Yeah. HANNAH: You want desert? (Booth laughs - they kiss) BOOTH: I gotta get back to work (Hannah groans) There's always dinner, right? HANNAH: You and Brennan... you two seem solid. BOOTH: Well, it happens after working together for what, five years. HANNAH: You know, I, I'm a little jealous actually. BOOTH: What you actually think there is something going on between me and Bones? HANNAH: No, not that, unless there's something I should know? BOOTH: No of course not. HANNAH: I guess I'm just jealous of what you two do together - the action, in the field. BOOTH: Ah. So, the Armed Service committee is not doing it for you? HANNAH: Nah, I think I'm the only one in the press core who refuses to write its stories from the press releases. BOOTH: You're gonna make trouble whilst your here aren't ya? HANNAH: As much as possible. Isn't that why you love me? BOOTH: Its definitely one of the reasons. I gotta get back to work, Hannah. HANNAH: I know. I know but I'm trouble remember. (She yanks him back into bed) (CUT TO JEFFERSONIAN LAB - FOYER- CAM is pushing a trolley with tires on it HODGINS walks over) HODGINS: Alright! CAM: I was told these are for you. HODGINS: Yes, these are the tires from Lupe Rojas' car. She denies going to the park but Booth doesn't believe her. CAM: And if she's lying the treads should contain insect and plant matter that could place her there. HODGINS: Exactly. You know, you could be my lovely assistant. CAM: Yes but since I'm your boss you're my lovely assistant. HODGINS: Ah. yeah. Right. At least I'm lovely. (CUT TO: THE PLATFORM AROUND THE REMAINS) CLARK: I've re-examined the injuries but I haven't found anything new. BRENNAN: And why do you think that is? CLARK: Because there is nothing new? BRENNAN: Because you have been looking at them as if both victims were att*cked and beaten. CLARK: Of course. Wasn't that your supposition? BRENNAN: Yes but was it yours because an assistant who doesn't think for himself has no value to me CLARK: OK but I thought that I... BRENNAN: No you didn't that's the point. You repeated an inconclusive assumption that I made without all the evidence, evidence by the way that you were supposed to supply whilst I was busy with other duties. (CAM approaches) CLARK: OK. I'm going to assume that I missed something. BRENNAN: Yeah, I can guarantee that you missed something. Perhaps this is the reason that you didn't get your promotion in Chicago CAM: Dr Brennan! BRENNAN: If you hope to redeem yourself in my eyes you will look at these remains and tell me exactly what it is that you missed. CAM: I'm guessing that this about more than a mistake made by an assistant. BRENNAN: Why you think that? Do you know what she's talking about? (Asks CLARK).. CLARK: Yes but I'd prefer to focus on my own failings at this moment. CAM: Someone has altered your relationship with Booth Dr Brennan- BRENNAN: Do you mean Hannah? CAM: Yes. Whether or not you're happy for him you have to have feelings about it and if you can't keep it out of the work place- CLARK: Oh my God! CAM: I'm sorry Dr Eddison but sometimes our personal lives directly affect our work. CLARK: No. no. I see what Dr. Brennan means. These two people weren't beaten at all. BRENNAN: You see this is about nothing more than Dr. Eddison's incompetence. CLARK: That's very kind. CAM: But if they weren't beaten then why did Dr. Hodgins find traces of sedimentary rock in their wounds. CLARK: Because they fell on rocks and she broke his fall which is why his injuries weren't as severe. BRENNAN: Very good. You see I was merely helping Dr. Eddison to be a better scientist. CAM: I apologize Dr. Brennan. BRENNAN: Accepted. Those people in Chicago were foolish to lose you Dr. Eddison. CLARK: Thank you. BRENNAN: Its actually quite amusing to think that Hannah would ever affect my work. (As bones walks off Cam and Clark share a disagreeing look) (Cut to Angela's office and the Angelator) ANGELA: So I input put all the injuries and breaks that were found on both the victims. BRENNAN: You can see that they share mirror fractures on their chests and pelvises. CLARK: the compression fractures that they share are because he landed on top of her. BRENNAN: This also explains why the zygomatic and maxilla are shattered. His face struck the rocks directly. ANGELA: Now here are the injuries on her back and I found some photographs of the area surrounding the cave, I used topographical overlay software to find the rocks that would match their injuries. So this section of the rocks here is the section that matches their injuries, its about 250ft from the cave. CAM: Well with the amount of blood loss they were both suffering they couldn't have made it any farther. (CUT TO THE PARK -the rocks ANGELA pointed out- BOOTH, BRENNAN and PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT) BRENNAN: This is the spot. BOOTH: Well, I want a forensic team to come and bust through all these rocks. BRENNAN: They fell from up there. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Maybe it was a su1c1de thing? BOOTH: Nah, uh uh. There was no note and everyone who knew them said they were pretty happy. BRENNAN: What's up there? PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Its a vista point. Beautiful view. Its just tough to access. Usually only experienced hikers go up there. BOOTH: Well Hilary was experienced. She brought people from the program up here. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Program? BOOTH: Yeah, AA. BRENNAN: So, there wouldn't be a lot of people up there, so no one would see if someone pushed the couple of the cliff. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Uh no. I guess not. (Booths phone rings) BOOTH: (He answers it) Great thanks. That was Hodgins. Lupe lied. He found evidence in her tire treads that she was up here. (CUT TO JEFFERSONIAN FOYER - BOOTH and BRENNAN escort LUPE in) LUPE ROJAS: This place is freaky. Why are we here? Is this some kind of t*rture place? BRENNAN: We're just going to verify your story. LUPE ROJAS: I didn't k*ll them. BOOTH: Oh, really? Then why did you lie about going to the park? LUPE ROJAS: Because I knew you wouldn't believe me if you knew I drove out there. BOOTH: Well, now that you lied I believe you even less. LUPE ROJAS: I'm telling you that I got allergies. I followed them but then I started sneezing up there, my eyes puffed up, I couldn't see so I went home. BRENNAN: Are you ready? (Asks the approaching Hodgins) HODGINS: Ready BOOTH: Ready. Ready, Ready. LUPE ROJAS: Ready, ready for what? I'm not ready. What are those? BOOTH: Well, you know you said you followed them to the top of the trail but couldn't go up any further... LUPE ROJAS: Because I was sneezing and stuff, yeah? HODGINS: Yeah, so we're going to do a little experiment. CLARK: I feel really uncomfortable about this. We usually don't do experiments live humans. HODGINS: I know. Should be fun! LUPE ROJAS: You said you were going to give me a chance to clear myself. BOOTH: We are. Unless you want me to lock you up for a few weeks until a public defender comes along and takes your case, that's up to you. What do you think? BRENNAN: These are plants that grow at the higher altitudes in the park. Chocolate Honeysuckle, Red Twig Dogwood and Russian Hawthorne. HODGINS: Lets start with that one. (Clark waves it under LUPE'S nose, she sniff, nothing) LUPE ROJAS: What are you witches, because my grandmother knows spells? HODGINS: Okay next one. CLARK: This is dogwood. (She takes a short sniff) BOOTH: Not looking good Lupe. CLARK: And this is honey suckle. (She sniffs and sneezes suddenly.) BOOTH: Jesus. (Clark smirks) LUPE ROJAS: Get it away (Clark sneezes) HODGINS: Clark why didn't you say you were allergic? CLARK: I didn't know. (Hands the jar to HODGINS) LUPE ROJAS: I'm calling my Grandma. BRENNAN: She's telling the truth booth. These are severe. She wouldn't have been able to continue following them up there. (LUPE and CLARK continue sneezing) HODGINS: (Finally) I'm going to get an antihistamine. (CAM walks in as HODGINS walks out) CAM: I think I found something. (CUT TO CAM'S LAB - THE AUTOPSY ROOM) CAM: Most of the flesh was decomposed or eaten by parasites except for this area around his eye and cheek. BRENNAN: The flesh is desiccated and seems to be untouched by scavengers. BOOTH: If they ate everything else then why would the animals avoid that? CAM: That's what I asked myself so I did an analysis of the tissue and compared it with the tissue I took off other parts of the remains, this tissue from around his eye contains Capsaicin BRENNAN: Pepper spray. CAM: Yes but at a very high concentration. Government issue. The scavengers wouldn't touch it. BOOTH: Wait a second. Forest services issues a highly concentrated spray to park rangers who encounter bears or other aggressive animals. (CUT TO WOODS: PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT, BOOTH AND BRENNAN) BOOTH: We looked at Felix' rap sheet a little closer and the minor he bought liquor for was your niece BRENNAN: She drank to much and got into a car accident BOOTH: And she died. Isn't that right Gary? PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: I saw him hiking with that woman. I recognized him from court. They went up to the cabin and I followed them. BOOTH: You know your sister in law's been through enough, she lost her husband in Afghanistan and then her daughter. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Its not fair. BRENNAN: Neither was k*lling those two people. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: They let him off with a slap on the wrist, counseling that's crap, he needed to pay. We're both soldiers you understand. BOOTH: No I don't get that. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: Come on man, when we were over there we took care of business, we didn't wait for some trial. BRENNAN: What about the woman? PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: She was defending him. Saying that he turned his life around. Collateral damage, it happens. BOOTH: This isn't w*r, Gary. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: He k*lled Sarah. She never had a chance to turn her life around. BOOTH: So you sprayed him with pepper spray and pushed him of a cliff. PARK RANGER GARY NESBITT: I did the right thing, for Sarah and my brother. Nobody is ever going to tell me I didn't do the right thing. (CUT TO EVENING --FOUNDING FATHERS- BOOTH AND BRENNAN) BOOTH: Its sad you know, but at least they died in each others arms. BRENNAN: How could that have made their deaths any less horrible? BOOTH: Well because it was love. I mean... I mean, if you're going to go its best to go with someone you love. BRENNAN: No but he didn't have to go. He could have walked father and gotten some help, at least one of them would have lived. BOOTH: Well he couldn't leave her, that, that's what love is. BRENNAN: So you're saying that love is foolish and illogical? BOOTH: No, its thinking of someone before yourself. Its giving your life if necessary to that person, its, its love. BRENNAN: And if that person falls out of love and meets someone else, those selfless acts would suddenly appear to be dangerously irresponsible wouldn't they? BOOTH: No, it was still love. BRENNAN: Well, uh, I could never live like that. Survival is the human imperative, if we don't look out for ourselves nothing else matters. BOOTH: That's not true, you know that Bones. That's not true. You know that. BRENNAN: You're experiencing a rush of Dopamine, Norepinephrine and Serotonin with Hannah, those feelings are wonderful, I've felt them, but I won't rely on the transient nature of chemicals for my happiness. (Hannah walks in) BOOTH: There she is. Wow. HANNAH: Hey. BOOTH: Wow. That's a dress. (They kiss) HANNAH: Hey Temperance. BRENNAN: Hello. HANNAH: So you guys catch a bad guy? BRENNAN: Yes it was a park ranger with a perverse sense of justice. HANNAH: Ah. So this is like a post criminal drink? BOOTH: Yeah. Its a post... You want one? HANNAH: I'll have one or two or three at dinner. We should go we're be late. BOOTH: Yeah, we should get going. HANNAH: (Turns to BRENNAN) Do you want to go? BRENNAN: Oh no, thanks. I have to catalog all the forensics. BOOTH: Clark can do it. BRENNAN: I don't mind. Have a good night. BOOTH: So, I'll see you tomorrow then. (Booth tugs Hannah towards the door, she breaks free and sidles up to Brennan) HANNAH: Um one night, you and me, girls night out, we'll dish about Seeley. BOOTH: Come on lets go (jokingly pulls her away) (Bones is left alone nursing her drink) END

{"type": "series", "show": "Bones", "episode": "06x02 - The Couple in the Cave"}

foreverdreaming

THE MAGGOTS IN THE MEATHEAD TEASER (OPEN: Nighttime. MAN on a beach with a metal detector.) MAN: Come on...come on... (metal detector beeps) Oh! (picks up a coin) Oh yeah, that's the stuff. (puts coin in pocket and moves to find more; metal detector beeps again) Oh! (bends down and picks up a metal cross attached to a chain; tugs at the cross to reveal a skeleton head filled with maggots buried under the sand) Oh no. Christ. (looks around, then pulls the cross from the skeleton's neck, breaking the chain) (laughs) (CUT TO: SPECIAL AGENT SEELEY BOOTH and HANNAH BURLEY sprawled over each other presumably after sex, panting.) HANNAH: Is it me, or are we louder stateside? BOOTH: There are no b*mb to drown out, alright? (They kiss. They are interrupted by Hannah's ringing phone on the bedside table.) BOOTH: Are you serious? Its 3AM! HANNAH (gets up to look at her phone): It's my boss. BOOTH: Your boss? Oh. HANNAH (answers phone): Hannah here, and annoyed, it's the middle of the night. At seven? That's only a few hours away. (Booth kisses the back of her knee) Do they have my name at the gate? Okay, thanks. (hangs up and gets dressed) BOOTH (moves behind her): Alright, what's going on? (kisses her on the cheek) HANNAH: Breakfast at the White House. BOOTH: Mmm. HANNAH: Only five of us were invited so...maybe I can get some real questions answered. (kisses him on the cheek) BOOTH: Breakfast at 4AM? HANNAH: Seven... BOOTH: Seven? HANNAH: ...but I have to change. These are the only clothes that I have here. BOOTH: Okay. HANNAH: Gotta go. (they kiss) BOOTH (in between kisses): You gotta go? Right this second? (groans) HANNAH: Bye, see you tonight. (dashes off) (BOOTH flops on the bed. His phone rings.) BOOTH: Seriously? You gotta be kidding me. (rolls over to answer his phone) (CUT TO: A beach, where BOOTH and DR. TEMPERANCE BRENNAN are walking at a crime scene) BOOTH: Look, why can't they find these victims at a reasonable time of the day, huh? (looks at the water) Ah, just look at that. Look how beautiful it is, Bones. Wouldn't it be great to come to work every day at the beach? BRENNAN: Booth, the sand and the salty air would make research and accurate forensic analysis impossible. (They walk towards DR. CAMILLE SAROYAN, who is bent over a body) CAM: Victim's decomposing at an accelerated rate. BRENNAN: Could the acceleration be the result of something chemical or radiological? (bends down to look at the body) CAM: No sign of radioactivity and no chemical that I'm aware of that would cause catastrophic cellular necrosis. (Camera pans to the body where jumping maggots are visible) BOOTH: Whoa, what's going on with the maggots? They're like freaky happy. CAM: Yeah, and they're everywhere. BOOTH (sees a maggot crawling on the leg of his pants): Whoa! Okay, maggot, right on the leg, right there...can I squash him or does Hodgins have to interrogate him? BRENNAN: I'll get him. (picks up the maggot with forceps and puts it on a test tube) CAM: Dr. Brennan, can you help me lift the victim...gently? BRENNAN (moves to help Cam; to Booth): Where are you going? BOOTH: Uh, you know, ID'ing the victim takes forever, I'm gonna go get a cup of coffee. (starts walking away) CAM (looks at driver's license on wallet): Richard Dominic Genaro. (Booth turns back) Born September 25th 1986, 6'2", 195 pounds. (looks at Booth) BOOTH: Or you could just check to see if he has a wallet. BRENNAN: Decomposition is accelerating perhaps because of the sunlight. BOOTH: Okay, so what have we got here, huh? Vampire from New Jersey? CAM: Before we answer that, I'd like to get him back to the lab. (They look at the skull, where the remaining tissue is slowly peeling off) BRENNAN: We better do it quickly. (OPENING CREDITS) ACT TWO (CUT TO: Medico-Legal Lab; Autopsy Room. DR. CAMILLE SAROYAN and COLIN FISHER heave the plastic-covered body on an examination table with a member of the Jeffersonian staff) CAM: On three...one, two, three! FISHER: Whoa! CAM (to Fisher): You're...stronger than you look. FISHER: Why, thank you, Dr. Saroyan. And I appreciate your effort to help me feel comfortable at work after my stint at the loony bin. CAM: Are you being sarcastic? FISHER: No. It's hard to tell, isn't it? CAM: Are you being sarcastic now? FISHER: My, my shrink told me that sarcasm is not earnest communication and that I should try to live joyously and genuinely in every moment. (HODGINS enters. CAM opens the plastic covering the body. Worms start jumping from the body.) HODGINS (enters): Whoa...okay, okay, everybody move, or just, just freeze. Wow. Piophila casei. More commonly known as cheese skippers. Under certain circumstances, they jump up, they grab their butts with their mouths. FISHER: I met a guy at the hospital that could do that. HODGINS: Yeah? They have them hopped up on stimulants? 'Cause that's what's causing this. CAM: We'll screen for amphetamines, Ecstasy, cocaine... (Chest area of the body suddenly deflates) FISHER: Oh. That might account for the rapid decomposition. CAM: This was one big muscly guy, he had only four percent body fat. HODGINS: Really? Geez, how much did he weigh? FISHER: 89 kilos. HODGINS: Really? This dude was shredded. FISHER: Tooth veneers over the central and lateral incisors...this guy must have had a brilliant engaging smile. HODGINS: Yeah, I'm sure he lived joyously in the moment. (Cam gives him a look) Um, no, we're, we're really really happy that you, you didn't k*ll yourself. FISHER: Oh, I was never suicidal. What happened was I slept 20 hours a day for two months. My shrink said it was a warning sign. CAM: Sounds great to me. FISHER: There's a depression fracture of the cranial vortex. No sign of remodeling. CAM: Smashed on top of the head? FISHER: Guess I'd better map these microfractures. Which will be a satisfying and productive use of my training and abilities. (CUT TO: Angela's Office, where ANGELA MONTENEGRO and BRENNAN are watching a guy's exercise video on the Angelatron) ANGELA (pauses the video): Okay, this one here is our victim, Ritchie the V. BRENNAN: I assume he's called Ritchie the V due to his body shape. (Angela nods and plays the video) RITCHIE: What up, this is Ritchie the V. Today, you're gonna learn how to get my signature V, baby. (gestures at his abs) Boom! Boom! FRANKIE COSTELLO (walks to Ritchie): Oh, Ritchie the V! (bumps shoulders with Ritchie) What's going on? ANGELA: Okay, so this one is L'il Frankie Costello. He's in most of his videos. BRENNAN: These are what are known as guidos. ANGELA: Yeah, sweetie, I don't think they actually like to be called that. BRENNAN: But they do. That's what they call themselves. Although interestingly not all guidos are of Italian descent. ANGELA: Really? BRENNAN: While the styles and mannerisms are based on Italian-American tropes, the guidos can be of any ethnic background. They gather at the Jersey Shore. The male bonding is near h*m*. The friends or "bros" are more important to them than family. ANGELA: Right. And how do you know all of this? BRENNAN: I stumbled across a compelling documentary about them. The anthropologist in me was fascinated, I've been studying their language and customs. ANGELA: A documentary? BRENNAN: Yes, on television. ANGELA (laughs): Sweetie, just because it's called reality television doesn't mean that it's a documentary. BRENNAN: I-I'm quite certain you are incorrect about that. ANGELA: Okay. (CUT TO: FBI Building; Booth's Office where BOOTH is talking to JANINE GENARO, the victim's mother) JANINE: You sure it's my Ritchie? BOOTH: Yes ma'am. JANINE (crosses herself tearfully): Madonna mia. BOOTH: The autopsy also shows that he may have been as*ault...uh, knocked on the head. JANINE: Who did this to my Ritchie? You tell me that right now. BOOTH: Can you think of anyone that would wanna hurt your son? JANINE: No. Agent Booth, I cannot think of anyone who would wanna hurt my Ritchie. Not anyone. And if I could think of such an anyone, I would go out there and I would k*ll them myself before they ever got anywhere near my kid! BOOTH: Any reason for him to be in trouble? JANINE: What kind of trouble? BOOTH: Girlfriends, uh, fighting? JANINE: No. BOOTH: Gambling? JANINE: No. BOOTH: Booze. JANINE: No, nothing like that. And, and any trouble he ever did get into was at the urge of that L'il Frankie 321. BOOTH: L'il Frankie 321...does he have a last name? JANINE: Yeah, Costello. Ralphie's boy. Any trouble my Ritchie ever got into, it was because of that L'il Frankie. BOOTH: What kind of trouble? JANINE: Oh, they both got kicked off the high school football team for using steroids. At the urge of that L'il Frankie just like I said, but I tell you what...I put the fear of God into my kid and he stopped. I didn't go through 44 hours of labor so my kid could grow up and stick poison in his body. BOOTH: And you're sure he stopped? JANINE: Yes, I am. BOOTH: How is that? JANINE: Because he told me. Ritchie never lied to me. Not twice anyway. BOOTH: When was the last time you saw your little Ritchie? JANINE: About a month ago, with L'il Frankie, uh, down at the Shore. They were sharing a house. (Booth offers her his handkerchief; she waves him off) Ritchie was very serious about school, and he said it was going to be his last summer to party. And I guess he was right. Agent Booth, if it turns out it was that L'il Frankie that did this... (slams hand on table) ...you bring him here to me. (CUT TO: Jeffersonian; Brennan's Office, BRENNAN's phone rings) BRENNAN (answers phone): This is Dr. Brennan. (Cut to BOOTH in his SUV, talking to Brennan over the phone. Scenes cut to them at the Jeffersonian and in the SUV during the conversation.) BOOTH: Listen, I got a lead on a suspect. It's a guy by the name of Francis Costello. BRENNAN: L'il Frankie? BOOTH: L'il Frankie...wait, how did you know? BRENNAN: Oh, he's featured in the guido video Angela found. BOOTH: Ah. Well, the victim's mother fingered little Frankie. BRENNAN (walking away from her office to the platform): L'il. L'il Frankie. Like L'il Red Riding Hood, L'il Abner, L'il John... BOOTH: Whatever, okay, you know what? We should be in the Jersey Shore, okay? I can come pick you up. BRENNAN: Oh, excellent! I can compare the field experience with the documentary series. BOOTH: Okay, see you in a bit. (They hang up. BRENNAN swipes her card to enter the forensic platform) FISHER: Ah, Dr. Brennan, how are you? BRENNAN: I'm well, Mr. Fisher. Have you fully recovered from your mental breakdown? FISHER: It's an ongoing process. BRENNAN: It's very often those with the highest intelligence who suffer from...the vernacular is meltdown. FISHER: Well, thank you, Dr. Brennan. BRENNAN: No, I'm not being kind, I'm being factual. FISHER I know. That's what makes it awesome. There was extensive damage to the C1 and C2 vertebrae. It's like the spinous and transverse processes cracked off internally. BRENNAN (examines the skull): That's exactly what happened, these processes were broken off by the foramen magnum, here. The cervical calm was forced into the victim's skull and then penetrated the base of the brain. FISHER: Which caused tearing to the major vessels of the brainpan. The brain would have bled out, thus releasing him into sweet oblivion. (Brennan gives him a look) Which is death, which is sad, not happy. BRENNAN: Yes. Death would have occurred near instantaneously. FISHER: I also found a sliver of concrete embedded in the skull wound, I gave it to Hodgins. BRENNAN: Very good, Mr. Fisher. (CUT TO: BOOTH and BRENNAN in the SUV) BOOTH: So what's got you so interested? BRENNAN: I've been studying their culture, language and customs. The guido tribe is fascinating. BOOTH: Wait, is it alright to call them that? BRENNAN: A tribe? Yes. BOOTH: No, no, I don't think it's alright to call them guidos. BRENNAN: Oh, the guidos' dance rituals, tattoos, speech patterns, secret lexicons and ornate costumes are obvious markers. BOOTH: They're dumb ass kids. BRENNAN: Yes. The avid focus on mating suggests a kind of protracted adolescence. Kids and dumb ass refer to their determined resistance to maturing. (her phone rings, answers phone) This is Dr. Brennan. (Cut to CAM in her office, talking to Brennan over the phone. Scenes cut to Cam's office and the SUV during the conversation.) CAM: We know why the cheese skippers were literally flipping out. HODGINS (enters): Ephedra. Probably from energy drinks. BRENNAN: Synthetic adrenaline. HODGINS: Yeah, the maggots ingested it from the tissue and it made them ravenous. CAM: Which explains why his remains decomposed so quickly HODGINS: Now extrapolating the time it took for one gram sample of flesh to be devoured, the victim died between 40 and 52 hours ago. CAM: There's more. Glycerin, surfactants, lanolin, petrolatum, vegetable oil, coconut oil, and copious amounts of artificial fragrance. HODGINS: Basically, he looked and smelled great when he died. BRENNAN: Okay. (hangs up) (to Booth) The tox screen showed high levels of alcohol, over-the-counter stimulants, and men's beauty products. BOOTH: I'm sorry, men's what now? BRENNAN: Hairspray, hair gel, tanning spray, and some sort of aerosolized perfume. BOOTH: Cologne. Men wear cologne. BRENNAN: You don't. BOOTH: That's because it smells like perfume. (CUT TO: BRENNAN and BOOTH walking down the Jersey Shore) BRENNAN: This is the perfect environment for the tribe to preen and mate. BOOTH: This is like trying to find a guido in a haystack. (his phone rings, answers phone) Booth. Hey, Hannah. Uh, yeah, just, you know what, hey, hell, move all your stuff in. BRENNAN: Say hi for me. BOOTH: Ah, no, I'm serious. Listen, uh, Bones say hi. Hannah says hi. BRENNAN (whispers): Hi. BOOTH: Hi. Everybody says hi. Okay. Uh, listen, mi casa es su casa. Alright. Talk to you later, bye. BRENNAN: That was uh, that was very casual. BOOTH: What? BRENNAN: You inviting Hannah to move in with you. I mean, usually there's more ceremony. I hope she didn't feel cheated. BOOTH: It's not like we haven't talked about it before, Bones. (They notice a group of guys and girls chanting "Go!" at the roofdeck of a three-storey house) BRENNAN: Eureka! A gathering of guidos. I believe that's L'il Frankie. (Camera pans to FRANKIE, among the guys and girls at the roofdeck who are still chanting "Go! Go! Go!") Given the excessive amounts of stimulants and alcohol, it's possible that Ritchie the V simply fell down, fracturing his cerebellum on concrete. FRANKIE: Go one! CROWD (joins him): Two! Three! (a guy is tossed in the pool) Wooh! BOOTH: Yeah, that, or he was tossed head-first into the concrete by a bunch of drunken idiots. BRENNAN: That certainly would fit into their tribal customs. (Crowd cheer as the guy emerges from the pool) ACT THREE (CUT TO: A beach house party with dance music playing, people dancing, drinking and making out) BOOTH (sees a guidette - JOSEPHINE - being swung at a hammock): Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, FBI! JOSEPHINE (dropped on the floor): Aw! BOOTH: Watch yourself there. FBI Agent Booth. JOSEPHINE: Hey! FRANKIE: What's your name, pretty lady? BRENNAN: Oh, I'm Dr. Temperance Brennan (bumps shoulders with Frankie) of the Jeffersonian, sup? Yo, sup. Sup. Sup? FRANKIE: Well, Dr. Temperance Brennan of the Jeffersonian, how about when you finish with all your policing or whatnot, you and your Hartford teacher friends come and meet me at Club Elegante tonight, know what I'm saying? BOOTH: Okay, why don't we all just take a small swollen step back. You, Muscles Marinara, when was the last time you saw Ritchie Genaro? FRANKIE: Thursday. Him and Peppy Dio went creeping. BRENNAN (to Booth): Oh, creeping is when males go in search of females for the purpose of having sex. BOOTH: Right, thanks, Bones, got that. (to Frankie) So, uh, was Peppy the last person who saw Ritchie? JOSEPHINE: Is Peppy in some sort of trouble? BOOTH: That's what we're here to find out. So, where's Peppy now? FRANKIE: He's doing a GTL. BOOTH: What's a GTL? BRENNAN (to Booth): Gym, tan, laundry. BOOTH: Wha...alright. Ritchie and Peppy, Thursday night. What happened? FRANKIE: I don't know, the V hasn't been back since. We just thought he pulled some ho-bag or skank or something, you know, that's the V's weakness. BRENNAN (to Booth): Ho-bags and skanks... BOOTH: Got it. Thank you. Alright, so, Peppy and Ritchie, have any arguments, they fight? JOSEPHINE: They fought over a stupid T-shirt. FRANKIE: Whoa! Shut the ho, Jo! JOSEPHINE: Uh. Whatever! (walks away) BOOTH: Okay, uh, they fought over a T-shirt? FRANKIE: Peppy got his drink on before going to the club. He went to pick up Ritchie who was wearing the exact same Fred McCarty t-shirt. Peppy didn't wanna be twinsies so...they got into it. BRENNAN: So the bros were mixing it up, yo. FRANKIE: Yeah, but they made up and wore the same shirt anyway. BRENNAN: Well, the victim was wearing a Fred McCarty shirt. BOOTH: That's true. FRANKIE: Victim...is Ritchie alright? BRENNAN: No. No, he's d*ad. FRANKIE (drops to his knees, distraught): Ritchie!!! JOSEPHINE (runs back to him): Frankie! Frankie baby, what did they say? FRANKIE: Ritchie's d*ad! GUIDO 1: Did you hear what he said? JOSEPHINE: The V? FRANKIE: The V! The V's d*ad! JOSEPHINE: Oh, Ritchie...Marena! Marena, someone k*lled Ritchie! GUIDETTE 1: Which Ritchie? Fat Ritchie? JOSEPHINE: No! Ritchie the V! GUIDETTE 1: Oh my God! Ritchie! Someone k*lled Ritchie the V! GUIDETTE 2: Oh no, he's freakin' out! GUIDETTE 3: No! Not Ritchie! (crying) BOOTH: Well, cat's out of the bag now. (More crying) (CUT TO: Royal Diner where BRENNAN and BOOTH are meeting with DR. LANCE SWEETS.) SWEETS: What these guys do is combine alcohol with, uh, highly caffeinated energy drinks containing pseudoephedrine. BOOTH: They have lots of posturing, muscles and fighting over girls. BRENNAN: Like many tribes, the markers that define a man involve sex and v*olence. BOOTH: Look, Ritchie was hooking up with someone who was hooking with someone, that's the bottom line there. And the answer could be right in here. BRENNAN: These copies of his text messages just seem to be random letters. Some kind of code? BOOTH: Well, like TTFN. SWEETS: Ta-ta for now. (Booth and Brennan give him a look) I'm pretty good at these. BOOTH: Great, here you go, all yours. (hands him the folder of documents) Call when you're done. SWEETS: Okay. TTFN. (CUT TO: Brennan's Office, BRENNAN is working) HANNAH (knocks): Hey, Temperance. BRENNAN: Hello. HANNAH: Is this a bad time? BRENNAN: Um, for what? HANNAH: For us to talk? BRENNAN: No. No, this is a fine time for that. Come in. HANNAH (enters): This place is totally cool. It's like working in a spaceship. BRENNAN: Ah, I wouldn't know. I trained for a shuttle mission once but, never got to go. HANNAH: You're quite literal, aren't you? BRENNAN: Yes, I find I avoid a lot of misunderstandings if I merely deal with facts. HANNAH: Well, the reason I'm here, um, Seeley asked me to move in with him. BRENNAN: I can't really give you advice about that. I don't know you that well, and there are so many factors (Hannah laughs)...sexual compatibility... HANNAH: No. I'm doing it. I came back from Afghanistan to be with him. BRENNAN: Oh! Then, congratulations. You must be happy...you and Booth. HANNAH: Yeah, we are. But I was thinking, I wanted to get him something when I moved in, a present and...since you know him so well... BRENNAN: A telephone. Get him a telephone! HANNAH: I was thinking something a little more personal. BRENNAN: A vintage rotary phone. Booth loves them and hasn't been able to find the right one. HANNAH: Really? BRENNAN: Yes. He's been looking. He says that's what a phone is supposed to be...indestructible and heavy enough to knock someone out. HANNAH: Yeah, that, that sounds like Seeley. BRENNAN: His grandfather kept his rotary phone until it fell apart. Booth loved the feel of the Bakelite, the tick-tick-tick of the dial as it turned...he says the mechanics make it human. HANNAH: And lucky for me, he has a partner who knows him so well. BRENNAN: Booth and I have become very close, by necessity. Congratulations again. I'm happy for you both. HANNAH: Thanks. (starts to walk out of the office) BRENNAN: One thing, Hannah. (Hannah turns back) I want you to be sure about this. HANNAH: The phone? BRENNAN: No, although I understand the misunderstanding. No, about you and Booth moving in together. Booth will give himself to you completely. And it will be very painful for him if you aren't as serious about the relationship as he is. HANNAH: I am. But thanks though. You're a good friend, Temperance. Seeley's very lucky. (CUT TO: Bone Room) FISHER (examining the victim's skull): My shrink thought I should get out of the forensic anthropology business. I tried to explain its not violent death that makes me morbidly depressed, it was life. CAM: And he thinks that explanation shows a positive attitude? FISHER: Oh, I'm quite positive about my job. For example, these injuries...how cool are they? There's a perimortem bruise near the depression fracture. That must have hurt. CAM: Another cheery thought, once I removed the scalp, subscapular hemorrhaging was apparent. FISHER: That means there were two injuries to the head. CAM: Which means for the victim to have taken a swan dive onto the pavement, he would have had to do it twice. FISHER: Is there enough Red Bull and vodka in the world to explain that? CAM: Most likely, he was struck in the head twice by the same w*apon. What did Hodgins say about the concrete sample? FISHER: It's called Minutecrete and it's not a match to the sample taken from the shore house. CAM: We should do a search for any w*apon that could be made of Minutecrete. (exits) FISHER (to victim's skull): Don't look at me that way, dude. You don't know how good you got it. (CUT TO: Angela's Office, where ANGELA is eating saltines while lying down on her couch) CAM (enters): Angela, can you run a search on possible w*apon made from Minutecrete? ANGELA (gets up, brushes off crumbs from her clothes): Yeah, sure. CAM: Something that could cause fractures and subscapular hemorrhaging oh my God. ANGELA: What? CAM: You're... ANGELA: Oh I'm, yeah, I'm messy. I know I shouldn't eat lying down. CAM: Pregnant. You're pregnant. ANGELA: What? Pregnant? Me?! No. No. No. CAM: You've got that whole glowy thing and the crackers...I mean, nobody eats crackers for pleasure. ANGELA: Okay, listen. I've been feeling a little bit queasy but, you cannot tell anybody about this. CAM: I was right! I knew it! Um...are you happy about this? ANGELA: Yes, we're, we're thrilled. I mean, I could be having a little Hodgins. How cute would that be? CAM: Oh...m-maybe you should lie down. ANGELA: Uh, no, I'm, I'm okay, actually I'm feeling pretty good. I can do anything, you know? I would hope that you could keep this between us because, nobody else knows. CAM: Oh, of course. Just you and me. ANGELA: Okay. I mean, you can't even tell Hodgins that you know, um, because he wants to make some sort of big announcement at the right time...? CAM: I-I won't breathe a word. ANGELA: Okay. CAM: Oh, I'm just so happy, this is so great, Angela, I'm... FISHER (enters): What is? CAM: That...she is... ANGELA: That I, I have a, um, I have a database of concrete items that can k*ll someone and today...is the first day that I can use it so I am...o-over the moon. CAM: Yes. And you shouldn't disturb her, Mr. Fisher. FISHER: I wanted to give you the measurements of the injuries, the dispersal of fracturing. ANGELA: Great! Great, fantastic. CAM: And I'll...go...away now. (gives Angela a big grin and exits) FISHER: I just can't get as stoked about work as you guys can. ANGELA (mutters): Okay then. (CUT TO: Club Elegante; BOOTH and BRENNAN arrive, with TERROR, the bouncer, outside the club) TERROR: Hey, whoa, put on the brakes. We're doing a list. BRENNAN (to Booth): Let me handle this. (to Terror, bumps shoulders with him) Yo, 'sup. Yeah. (enters the club) BOOTH (tries to follow): Bones, hol... TERROR: Hey, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, the list. BOOTH: FBI, okay? We're here about a m*rder. Listen, the victim was here at this establishment uh, with this guy. (shows Terror victim's photo) Uh, is he here tonight? TERROR (points out a guy): Oh yeah, he's right there, see? Him. (points to another guy) No, no, him. (points to another guy) Him? BOOTH: Okay, you know what, I'll tell you what, we'll go, let's go scope the place out ourselves, alright? TERROR: Do your thing. BOOTH: Yeah, whatever. (enters the club) (CUT TO: Inside Club Elegante. People dancing and fist-bumping.) BRENNAN (to Booth, points to some guidettes): Notice the two unpaired females. Their body movements and attire suggest they are available for mating. BOOTH: Bones, we're looking Peppy. BRENNAN: Oh! Over there. BOOTH: Where, Peppy? BRENNAN: No, no, two males have spotted the available females and will approach and begin the exhibition. Fascinating. BOOTH: Fascinating? More like pitiful. BRENNAN: Now the males are displaying their musculature indicating they are good breeders. These activities show that these two will soon mate and the other suitors will continue their search elsewhere. BOOTH: Okay, just remember, we're here looking for Peppy. (they walk up to three guidettes) Excuse me, FBI. You ladies recognize this guy? GUIDETTES: Uh-uh. (Booth and Brennan turn to look at a scuffle at the bar manned by CLINTON, the ice man) CLINTON: Get back here! Stop that guy! You're toast man! You're toast! (A guido - PEPPY DIO - holding an ice bucket laughs tauntingly at Clinton and throws ice cubes at him) BRENNAN: Booth, look, it's him! BOOTH (to Peppy): Hey you, FBI! Hold it right there! PEPPY: Yeah, right. (runs off) CLINTON (goes after Peppy, who dumps the entire ice bucket on Clinton's head): Yeah, you going to pay for that! Come on! (Clinton and Peppy fight on the dance floor) BOOTH: Hey, hey! (Peppy punches Clinton, turns to Booth and throws a punch at him but misses. Booth punches Peppy, who gets up and tries to get to Booth but Brennan gets between them and makes a weird fierce posturing) BRENNAN: This posturing is called throwing the crab, it will intimidate him into compliance. (Peppy looks at her, puzzled and amused) ACT FOUR (CUT TO: BOOTH and BRENNAN talking to CLINTON and PEPPY on the dance floor) BOOTH: Yeah, what was that about? CLINTON: These idiots think ice is free, and its not. They're always in my way, they never let me do my job. Look, I gotta account for every single cube. PEPPY: Ice is frozen water, yo. Water's free, do the math, dipstick! CLINTON: Put on some lipgloss, Mary! PEPPY: I will, 'cause your mother likes my lips soft. BRENNAN (to Booth): Oh, he's suggesting that he had sex with his mother. BOOTH: Right, got that, Bones. CLINTON (to Peppy): Steroid freak. PEPPY (to Clinton): Who's the one who goes ballistic over water? CLINTON: Yeah, like you even know what ballistic means. BOOTH (to Clinton): You, you can go home now. Come on, go. PEPPY: Ballistic as in referring to from the balls! BRENNAN: No, that's not even close to an accurate definition. Ballistic refers to projectile in flight. PEPPY: So, can I make like a ballistic now? BOOTH: No, you cannot make like a ballistic now because you are the last person who saw Ritchie Genaro alive. PEPPY: Seriously, yo? Ritchie was my boy. How am I gonna k*ll my boy? BRENNAN: Knocking him over the head. BOOTH: You don't seem very upset. PEPPY: It's k*lling me. But I gotta keep on for Ritchie. He woulda wanted me to keep on, you feel me? BRENNAN: Uh, he's asking if you understand. BOOTH: So his mother said you guys were doing steroids. PEPPY: One cycle, that was all for Ritchie. And I don't use 'roids, not anymore. Ritchie got me off 'em, proved they would trick my ballistics. BRENNAN: So Ritchie only did anabolic steroids once? PEPPY: His mother would k*ll him, like for real. BOOTH: Alright, look, can you think of anyone who would want to k*ll Ritchie besides his mother? PEPPY: His stalker. BOOTH: Does his stalker have a name? PEPPY: I don't know her name...I didn't see her here tonight. I could describe her. BOOTH: Okay. PEPPY: She got dark hair, dark skin...big hair. BOOTH: Ah, like everybody in this club. BRENNAN: Would Ritchie's stalker be aggressive enough to strike him over the head hard enough to force his skull down over his spine? GUIDETTE 1: Shut your mouth! (Booth, Peppy and Brennan look at two guidettes having an argument) GUIDETTE 2: Skank! GUIDETTE 1: Ho! (Violent catfight ensues) BRENNAN: I withdraw the question. (CUT TO: Jeffersonian; Angela's Office, where ANGELA is presenting some figures on the Angelatron to CAM, BRENNAN and HODGINS.) ANGELA: Okay, comparing the concrete sample to the injuries on the victim's skull, the w*apon appears to have a curved edge. Okay, completing the arc... CAM: The m*rder w*apon was some sort of concrete cylinder? BRENNAN: With a 3.175 centimeter diameter. HODGINS: Like a...plumbing pipe. ANGELA: Yeah...or a tetherball pole. BRENNAN: That's so random, yo. (Everyone looks at her strangely) In the vernacular. (CUT TO: FBI Conference Room) SWEETS: While I was studying all the text messages, I created this overview of what Dr. Brennan calls the tribe, seen through digital lines of communication. This is our victim. (points to a picture on the diagram he made) BOOTH: Ritchie the V...he texted all these women? SWEETS: Yeah, and these are women who texted other men. BOOTH: Oh, it's like jealousy map. Good work. SWEETS: Thank you. So, look at what I stumbled across. A week before the victim was m*rder, over 200 texts were exchanged between the victim and a woman named Marie Galasso. (points out Marie Galasso) BOOTH: Hmm. Arrow slash three? SWEETS: Oh, that means a broken heart. BOOTH: M I 2 M 2 H 6y? SWEETS: Am I too much to handle, sexy? BOOTH: So they were together once and she expected more. SWEETS: Y RNT U D 4 6. Why aren't you down for sex? And then there's this one, 2 G 2 B 4G. Too good to be forgotten. So this is where it gets really ugly. Ritchie texts Marie that she was just a grenade. BOOTH: A grenade? SWEETS: Yeah, a grenade is an overweight undesirable woman that one must jump on so a friend can get with the prettier girl. BOOTH: Oh. SWEETS: Now this really set Marie off. She calls him a bunch of curse words, some of which I had to look up. BOOTH: Sounds like motive to me. SWEETS: Yeah, and after that, Ritchie texts his friends wherever he's headed to find out if she's gonna be there. BOOTH: So she was stalking him. SWEETS: Check this out. UL B SRY. You'll be sorry. Followed by U R GNG 2 DI. BOOTH: You are going... SWEETS: You are going to die. BOOTH: 4Q. SWEETS: I think that's pretty self-explanatory. ACT FIVE (CUT TO: FBI Interrogation Room with BOOTH and MARIE GALASSO, who was pacing) BOOTH: Why don't you just sit down, Marie? MARIE: No! I ain't tired. BOOTH: How is that, uh, a little thing like you could kidnap a strong guy like Ritchie. What happened? Did you find him with another woman? MARIE: I ain't saying nothing. BOOTH: Okay, "I ain't saying nothing" means you're guilty. MARIE: No, I ain't saying nothing not 'cause I'm guilty. I ain't not saying nothing because I loved him. I loved Ritchie and he loved me, okay? I'm not just some Shore-whore. We had plans. Now Ritchie wasn't just some guido, okay? He was going to school to be a therapist. He was gonna do stuff and be somebody and like that, okay? I knew him on a very deep level. He was no juicehead and no knucklehead. He was a gentleman. BOOTH: Okay, I get it. He was a gentleman. Why don't you just sit down and just relax. (Marie sits down; Booth sighs) Now, let's say you didn't k*ll him. MARIE (gets up again): I didn't k*ll him! I loved him! You know what, you wanna put me in prison for love, go ahead, okay? I'm guilty as charged, sweetheart. BOOTH: You said you knew him on a deep level. MARIE: Yes, I did. BOOTH: Okay, so why is he d*ad? Was he afraid of someone? MARIE (laughs): That's funny. Ritchie the V...feared no man. But there was somebody scared of him, maybe wanted him quiet. BOOTH: Who? MARIE: The trainor at the gym who was selling 'roids, 'kay? Ritchie busted the guy. BOOTH: Does this guy have a name? MARIE: They call him Terror. He works the door at Club Elegante. BOOTH: Right. (CUT TO: FBI - Booth's Office) BOOTH (sees SWEETS enter): Hey, Sweets, turns out our victim Ritchie ratted out a steroid dealer. (Sweets closes Booth's door) That same dealer works as a bouncer at Club Elegante. Why'd you shut the door? SWEETS: Well, I have to speak to you, Agent Booth. BOOTH: Okay, that tone of voice says that you want to speak at me. SWEETS: I hear that you asked Hannah to move in with you? BOOTH: So? SWEETS: As your friend... BOOTH: This, this isn't a shrinky visit? SWEETS: No. BOOTH: So from one friend to another, I'm fine, everything's great. Nothing to worry about. SWEETS: Okay, there might be a little shrinky stuff, because that's who I am. BOOTH (walks to the door): Yeah, okay, thanks, friend. (They both walk to the elevator) SWEETS: You know, the relationship that you and Hannah have, it was forged in a highly adrenalized environment. BOOTH: Well, yeah, we were in w*r together. I mean, our relationship was literally battle-tested. SWEETS: Right. But a new environment, you know, a calmer one with fewer distractions, it alters your dynamic. I just don't want you to jump into something too soon. BOOTH: I really appreciate it, Sweets, but Hannah is bringing all of her stuff over tonight. I even went and I got her some bathroom stuff, a set of new sheets. I mean, what kind of guy does something that crazy if he isn't sure? SWEETS: Hard to argue with that. (Booth enters the elevator) I just had to say something, you know? BOOTH: Yeah, you're a good kid. (elevator door closes) SWEETS: Oh boy. (CUT TO: Jeffersonian; Bone Room) FISHER: I was looking at bone fragments from the top of the skull when I found these. I'm taking out the remaining sliver that was buried in the fractures. (HODGINS magnifies the thing that Fisher found on the monitor) Well, it's not bone. HODGINS: No, some kind of yellow polymer. Its possibly polyvinyl chloride or polytetrafluoroethylene. FISHER: So he had concrete and plastic in his head. (yawns) HODGINS: Oh no. Uh, you okay? FISHER: Are you gonna ask me that every time I yawn? HODGINS: Possibly. I don't want you to fall asleep again for another two months, Van Winkle. FISHER: Alright. HODGINS: I'm gonna figure out where this plastic is from. It might help Angela narrow down the m*rder w*apon FISHER (yawns): Okay. (CUT TO: Inside Club Elegante, which is empty) BOOTH (to Brennan): So when Ritchie ratted out Terror for selling drugs, he lost his job at the gym, all of his clients, it was a mess. TERROR (enters): Can I help you? BOOTH: Yeah. Why don't you tell us what happened between you and your buddy Ritchie. I'm guessing that didn't go very well since he's d*ad. TERROR: I don't have to say nothin'. I'm the doorman of this establishment so I'm gonna ask you guys to leave. BOOTH: I wouldn't be acting like bouncer right now. BRENNAN (notices the door to the storage room was open): Booth, the storage room. (starts to walk to the storage room) TERROR (stops Brennan): Hey, hey, hey! No. BOOTH: Whoa! (into Terror's face) Did you just shove my partner? TERROR: You're all bad with a g*n and a badge, but you won't always be on duty, you know what I'm saying? BOOTH: No, I don't know what you're saying. Why don't you spell it out for me? TERROR: I mean, watch your back. BRENNAN: Oh, no, (Booth starts taking off his suit jacket) you, you shouldn't thr*at Agent Booth, he can be very male. BOOTH: I don't like walking around looking over my shoulder, huh? (hands Brennan his g*n) So what do you say we do this right now, hmm? TERROR: Alright, li-listen, my boss holds me responsible for everything in that storage room. I wasn't looking for trouble. BOOTH: You're not looking for trouble? He's not looking for trouble. (Brennan gives him back his g*n and suit jacket) Which means you are giving Bones permission to go look in the storage room. Bones? BRENNAN (walks to the storage room, notices something): Booth? BOOTH: Yeah? BRENNAN: Look, yellow plastic and concrete. ACT SIX (CUT TO: FBI Interrogation Room, where BOOTH is interrogating TERROR) TERROR: Fine, whatever. Yeah, Ritchie ratted on me and I was pissed, but I didn't k*ll him. Is this really necessary? BOOTH: Then where were you last Thursday night? TERROR: At work. BOOTH: No, you weren't at work. TERROR: I didn't k*ll Ritchie the V. BOOTH: Then where were you? You know, if I were you, I'd plead road rage. TERROR: I got an alibi. BOOTH: You can't just have an alibi, you gotta share it with the world. TERROR: I took my Ma up to New York to see Billy Elliot. BOOTH: Billy Elliot? TERROR: Yeah, the boy that dances, yeah. BOOTH (trying not to laugh): You like musicals. TERROR: That's why I wasn't forthcoming about my alibi. There's some joys in life you wanna keep to yourself. BOOTH: Billy Elliot is a joy? TERROR: Its beautiful, dude. The boy is an angel. BOOTH: Right. I'll tell you what, I'm gonna find somebody who knows the show and you're gonna tell it to them, the whole story. Then we'll see if you really saw Billy Elliot with your mother. TERROR: Oh, I can perform the whole thing. Word for word. (CUT TO: Angela's Office, where ANGELA is presenting something on the Angelatron to FISHER and HODGINS) ANGELA: This plastic sliver is curved, just like the Minutecrete was. HODGINS: Well, they look pretty close. FISHER: Oh, so close. HODGINS: Okay, both fragments were in the skull wound, but how did they get there if they weren't part of the same w*apon? ANGELA: Yeah, that's a good question. Well, since the plastic doesn't fit inside the circle, how about trying it on the outside? FISHER: Okay, that worked. HODGINS: Yeah, alright, great, then what did we just find out? ANGELA: Plastic-covered cement. HODGINS: Concrete. Uh, I'm just being precise. You know, cement is the ingredient in concrete that keeps everything kind of together? FISHER: Right! Uh, right...like...ugh, I totally suck. (CUT TO: BOOTH and BRENNAN walking to Royal Diner) BOOTH: Terror told the whole story of Billy Elliot. He even teared up a couple of times. BRENNAN: Well, it is a touching story of triumph over background and adversity. BOOTH: Well, his mom even backed him up, saying they even had receipts. (they enter the Royal Diner) BRENNAN: You don't think he did it. BOOTH: The whole timeline doesn't add up. Let's sit over here. BRENNAN: Okay, Ritchie's friends say he disappeared on Thursday. BOOTH: Right, so, and the body was found buried in sand the next Monday. BRENNAN: Cam and Hodgins say that the body only took two days to decompose. BOOTH: Exactly. So either they're wrong or... BRENNAN: ...two days remain unaccounted for. BOOTH: Okay, Squints could have gotten it wrong. BRENNAN (shakes finger at Booth): Uh-uh. Uh-uh. BOOTH Don't do that. Don't do that. What? BRENNAN: I have an idea of how those two days went missing. I have to call Fisher. (CUT TO: Bone Room, where FISHER is working) CAM (enters): What are you doing? FISHER: Dr. Brennan had some kind of a brainstorm and it looks like she was right. CAM: You say that like its bad news. FISHER: I should've thought of it! CAM: O-kay. First, tell me the brainstorm. FISHER: Well, note the microfractures in the Haversian canals. CAM: Yes. From a blow to the skull? FISHER: These are from the victim's femur. The victim was frozen for two days! CAM: That's what caused the microfractures. (Fisher yawns) No, why are you yawning? Are you depre...don't yawn. FISHER: I suck. CAM: How long ago did Dr. Brennan have her brainstorm? FISHER: About 45 minutes ago. CAM: So basically, you're 45 minutes behind arguably the greatest forensic anthropologist in the nation? FISHER: That's one way to look at it, but... CAM: I'm not a psychiatrist but it seems to me that if your shrink says look on the bright side, he means give yourself the benefit of the doubt. FISHER: Yeah? CAM: Yeah. (something occurs to her) The victim was k*lled, and then frozen? FISHER: Apparently. CAM: Put on ice? FISHER: Metaphorically speaking. CAM: Or not. (exits) FISHER: What do you, what do you mean, "or not"? What? What did I miss? No, what did I miss?! (yawns) (CUT TO: BRENNAN and BOOTH gets out of the SUV and walks to the back entrance of Club Elegante, where an ice truck is parked) BRENNAN: Studies have shown that when frozen properly, a body's cell deterioration stops, and can be held in that state nearly indefinitely. But in order to avoid microfractures, when a person wants to be preserved cryogenically, they need to be flash-frozen. BOOTH: I get it, Bones. BRENNAN: I should have seen it earlier because when a body is frozen slowly, the decomposition rate speeds up as the body thaws. (They notice CLINTON pounding the ice with a yellow bat) BOOTH (takes away the bat from Clinton): Hey! (shows the bat to Brennan) Bones? BRENNAN: Look, plastic filled with concrete. That's the m*rder w*apon. BOOTH (to Clinton): You k*lled the wrong guy. CLINTON: What do you mean? BOOTH: Ritchie the V didn't steal your ice. It was his roommate. BRENNAN: They were wearing the same shirt. BOOTH: You and Peppy were hollering at each other, he takes off, you see Ritchie in the same shirt. BRENNAN: Maybe you thr*at him with your wiffle bat. BOOTH: He doesn't know that the bat's filled with cement, he comes at you... BRENNAN: You h*t him twice. BOOTH: Then you put him on ice for two days, then you bury him at the beach. CLINTON: I'm just trying to make a living. You know what it's like? To be overrun by these morons? Every delivery they screw with me, take my ice...I lost it. BOOTH: No, Peppy is a real douche, and I'm sure he's got his beatings coming to him down the line, but Ritchie? Ritchie was a good guy. All he was doing was looking for a good time up at the Jersey Shore. CLINTON: What can I say? They all look alike. (CUT TO: Booth's Apartment, where BRENNAN, CAM, HANNAH and ANGELA are drinking and laughing at the living room) BRENNAN: When you said you didn't need us to help you move in, I thought you were merely being polite. HANNAH: I don't really do that. CAM: I'm still...this is everything you own in the world? (gestures to Hannah's bags) HANNAH: Mhmm. It's the life I choose. (BOOTH enters) ANGELA: Yeah, she travels light. I used to travel light. BRENNAN: Booth won't even have to make room for you. ANGELA (notices Booth): Hey, man of the house, come on in. Pretend you live here. BOOTH (looks at them, puzzled): Hi. What's going on? HANNAH: Oh my God. Did you not mean it when you said I could move in? BOOTH: No, uh, yes, I wanted you to move in. BRENNAN: We offered to help her, but... CAM: This is everything. (gestures at Hannah's bags) ANGELA: You're basically taking in a homeless woman. HANNAH: I prefer the term nomad. ANGELA: I used to be a nomad...who drank wine. BOOTH: You don't drink wine anymore? ANGELA: Um... BOOTH (looks at Hannah, Brennan, then Angela): No. (looks at Cam) CAM (nods smilingly): And he just got it. BOOTH: Hey, congratulations! That's so great! (hugs Angela) ANGELA: Listen, you have to act surprised when Hodgins tells you, okay? BOOTH: Promise. You're gonna be a great mom. ANGELA: Thank you. CAM: Oh, speaking of which, I've gotta get home to Michelle and I don't want to reek of wine. ANGELA: Yeah, I should probably get home to Mr. Hodgins. CAM: Bye, guys. (exits) HANNAH: Bye. BOOTH: Congratulations. ANGELA: Thank you. (to Cam) Hey, wait for me. (exits) BOOTH: Okay. (to Hannah) Welcome home. (looks at the phone with a red bow) What's that? HANNAH: Oh, it's a housewarming gift. A Bakelite. Original. Do you like it? BOOTH (tries the phone, hears the dial tone): Hey, it's a real one! (Brennan smiles at his reaction) HANNAH: Temperance told me that you liked them, so... BOOTH: No, I love it. Thanks. (moves to kiss Hannah) HANNAH and BRENNAN: You're welcome. BOOTH: That's...great. BRENNAN (gets up from the couch to leave): See you tomorrow. (Booth and Hannah turn to her) BOOTH: Oh. HANNAH: Oh, no, stay. Do you want to join us for dinner? BOOTH: Yeah, I can make my famous mac 'n cheese. BRENNAN: No, traditionally, when two people share a domicile for the first time, the person who doesn't, leaves. HANNAH: Thanks for your help. (Brennan walks to the door, Booth follows her) BOOTH: Hey, Bones. I'll see you tomorrow. BRENNAN: Yes. Tomorrow. (They give each other a look with a slight smile on their faces. Brennan closes the door.) END

{"type": "series", "show": "Bones", "episode": "06x03 - The Maggots in the Meathead"}

foreverdreaming

THE BODY AND THE BOUNTY ACT ONE (Night. Two FREEGANS walk down a deserted alley to an open dumpster.) FREEGAN #1: So, I've been a freegan for about a year now. Fact, if Al Gore really cared about the environment, he'd live out of dumpsters. FREEGAN #2: You should like, totally be in charge of the Earth. FREEGAN #1: Don't I know it. This is a primo dumpster. Two restaurants and a convenience store use it. You're the only person I've ever brought here. FREEGAN #2: Nobody's taken me out to dinner in like, forever. (They kiss.) FREEGAN #1: We are going to indulge in a freakin' feast, my lady. Hop in. FREEGAN #2: Okay. (They both enter the dumpster.) FREEGAN #1: Fact, "best before dates" are just marketing tools to increase profits and make more garbage to feed the corporate monster. Oh look, eggs! And some apples. Just... just eat around the bruised part. FREEGAN #2: (bites into an apple) Mmm. This is like throwing out a baby. FREEGAN #1: I feel so close to you right now. FREEGAN #2: Oh! Look at all the yogurt and the veggies. FREEGAN #1: Wait a minute, do you smell that? There's something choice down there. You learn to recognize scents like a wine guy. It could be meat. Fact, if you cook it through, it's fine. Mmm, it's meat. (Pulls out a skull and both scream.) (Cut to: BRENNAN's car.) BOOTH: Hmm, the perfect m*rder? BRENNAN: I'm a forensic anthropologist. It would be odd if I didn't consider the perfect m*rder. First consideration, complete annihilation of the body. No body, no m*rder. Perfect. BOOTH: Why are we talking about this? BRENNAN: My car. I choose the topic of conversation. Also, my car achieves excellent gas mileage. Currently, fifty-one miles per gallon. BOOTH: Okay, you win. So, let's talk about the perfect m*rder. BRENNAN: Of course at this point, I'm simply being theoretical. BOOTH: What do you... what do you mean "at this point"? BRENNAN: Well there's so many variables in a person's life, it would be irrational to completely rule out the possibility of m*rder someone. BOOTH: No it's not. You say "I'm never gonna m*rder someone". BRENNAN: I don't believe in absolutes. BOOTH: Scary, you know what? You're really scaring me right now. BRENNAN: Because you know that if I did commit m*rder, you'd never be able to catch me. BOOTH: (chuckles) I could catch you. BRENNAN: No, my plan is foolproof. BOOTH: Oh, now it's an actual plan. (Cut to: Crime scene. CAM and several FBI TECHs are on the scene.) BOOTH: Now this is a good place to dispose of a body. Trash men, they come every other day and it's off to a landfill, body never to be seen. BRENNAN: Perhaps. BOOTH: There is no perfect m*rder. It's chance and luck. BRENNAN: My plan is perfect. BOOTH: Look, if you can plan the perfect m*rder, so can I. I can too. Yeah okay, what's this? That's it? CAM: This is everything we found in the dumpster. The head and hands. BOOTH: Who found it? CAM: A couple of dumpster divers. BOOTH: Dumpster divers. BRENNAN: The prominent glabellas suggests the victim is male. BOOTH: Whoa, Hodgins is gonna love that. Okay, what is that, some kind of a bird's nest? CAM: It's the victim's hair. BOOTH: Wow, was he scalped? CAM: The teeth have been shattered most likely in an effort to obfuscate identity. BOOTH: Well you know, the dumpster will cause the guy to decompose pretty good too. BRENNAN: You should keep in mind when you plan your own m*rder. CAM: Anything I should know, Seeley? BOOTH: No, Camille. BRENNAN: (to an FBI TECH) I'll need you to separate out all fragments of remains from the refuse. CAM: You think the rest of him is in here? BRENNAN: I doubt it. Based on these striations on the distal end of the ulna, it's clear the hands were sawed off. Overall I must say this was a well-conceived method for disposal. BOOTH: Right, is that how you would do it? BRENNAN: I'm sorry I can't share my m*rder plans with you. BOOTH: Why? BRENNAN. You are dating a journalist. If in a post-coital haze, you relayed my method, she might print it for K*llers everywhere to see. BOOTH: Right, because you know, dismemberment and m*rder is my topic of conversation after sex. CAM: There is something unusual about the phalanges, Dr. Brennan. BRENNAN: (picks up the remains of a hand) A flattened exostosis on the first metacarpal and proximal phalanx. BOOTH: That, you know, I know what that is. CAM: You do? BOOTH: Yeah an old ranger buddy of mine had the same injury. He got it from sh**ting a Desert Eagle g*n. CAM: You think he's military? BOOTH: No, the victim definitely had a thing for big g*n. BRENNAN: The evidence is consistent with your theory. BOOTH: That's right, you see 'cause I always get my man. BRENNAN: I am a woman. (Opening credits.) ACT TWO (Jeffersonian Institute, Medico Legal Lab, forensics platform. BRENNAN is examining the remains as CAM and BUNSEN JUDE walk up.) CAM: Dr. Brennan. BRENNAN: Yes, Dr. Saroyan? CAM: Is this a good time to interrupt? BRENNAN: Since you've already interrupted me, I think it's the best possible time to interrupt. CAM: Good, I wanna introduce you to someone. BRENNAN: Who? CAM: Before I tell you his name, I want you to understand that he is in fact (BUNSEN JUDE waves) very well educated with several advanced degrees. BRENNAN: Why does he look like that? CAM: Because he's the Science Dude. Professor Bunsen Jude, the Science Dude. BRENNAN: I don't know what that means. CAM: Uh, he's got his own kid's science show on TV, about science. The Science Dude. BRENNAN: As I am no longer a child, I don't really watch those. BUNSEN JUDE: Dr. Brennan, I am Professor Bunsen Jude the Science Dude. (extends his hand, but BRENNAN is wearing gloves and waves him away.) I'm very happy to meet you. I hope we can be friends. BRENNAN: Nice to meet you, Dude. BUNSEN JUDE: (looks around the lab) Amazing! CAM: The professor has a proposition for you. BUNSEN JUDE: Ah, yes. I would like to sh**t a special episode of my show here in your lab with you as my very special science guest. BRENNAN: No. CAM: Dr. Brennan, this would be very good for the Jeffersonian. BRENNAN: The Jeffersonian is over a century and a half old. I doubt my appearance on a mere children's show will have much effect. BUNSEN JUDE: Dr. Brennan, my show is not mere. Do you have any idea how many children I have introduced to the world of science? BRENNAN: No. CAM: Oh, millions and millions. BRENNAN: I am a serious scientist. BUNSEN JUDE: I hold degrees in astrophysics, anatomy, chemistry and economics. BRENNAN: Children are not rigorous when it comes to empirical inquiry. They mostly enjoy bad smells and loud noises. BUNSEN JUDE: Well, who doesn't like that? (BRENNAN returns to examining the remains. BUNSEN JUDE and CAM begin to walk away.) CAM: I'm sorry Professor. BUNSEN JUDE: Alright, wait, wait. (to BRENNAN) How about I prove myself to you? I'll assist you in this case. If I'm useful, then you do my show. CAM: Dr. Brennan, you could use a second pair of eyes. We happen to be squintern free. BUNSEN JUDE: There you go. I will be your squintern. BRENNAN: Alright (motions to the remains on the table). BUNSEN JUDE: Okay. Amazing! BRENNAN: What do you observe? BUNSEN JUDE: (puts on gloves) Uh, well uh, this is a cut off head. Those are hands and that there is his hair. BRENNAN: Perhaps I should've specified that you tell me something pertinent. BUNSEN JUDE: May I? (uses tweezers to take a sample and places it under a microscope) As you can see from the deltoid appearance, this tells us this is not head hair. CAM: Oh god! You mean it's... BUNSEN JUDE: What? From, no no... no. That would really be a lot. I think it's, it's head hair but it's not from the top of the head. It's from his chin and cheeks. BRENNAN: Dude is correct. CAM: A beard. That's better than... (BUNSEN JUDE looks uncomfortable, sick.) BRENNAN: It's alright to vomit, Dude. BUNSEN JUDE: When science gets icky, it's alright to be si... (vomits into a trash can). (Cut to: ANGELA's office. A facial reconstruction is on the monitor. CAM walks in.) CAM: Wow, mean looking. ANGELA: What's really scary though, is that there's somebody out there even worse who cut off his head and hands. CAM: One little detail. This hair, not from his head. It's his beard. ANGELA: Ah, no problemo. (modifies the facial reconstruction) Okay, voila. CAM: Okay. Well let's get this to Booth. See if anyone's missing this guy. (Cut to: FBI Building, BOOTH's office. GERING is seated as BOOTH enters.) BOOTH: Mr. Gering. GERING: Yeah. Greg Gering, Gering Bail Bonds. BOOTH: Yeah right, yeah, look at that. I recognize you from all those billboards I see all over the place. So my people tell me you can identify this missing person. GERING: Yeah, this is Ray. Ray Kaminsky aka Wolf. BOOTH: Wolf? You guys put up bail for him? GERING: No, Wolf was one of the good guys, or almost a good guy. He's a skip tracer. BOOTH: Bounty hunter. GERING: Fully licensed, very experienced, one of my best. You sure he's d*ad? BOOTH: Oh yeah. GERING: Hard to believe somebody got the drop on the Wolf. BOOTH: Was he after anyone in particular? GERING: Yup, nutcase named Charles Braverman, indicted for the m*rder of a co-worker. Here. (hands Booth a file) Jammed a mechanical pencil through the guy's eye for singing show tunes at his desk. BOOTH: (opens the file) Guy looks like an accountant. He's 5'-7" and only 142 pounds. GERING: Charles Manson was 5'-2". Jeffrey Dahmer couldn't bench press his own weight. You've been in this business as long as I have, you come to judge how dangerous a man is by the size of his bail. BOOTH: How much? GERING: Million bucks. That's why I sent my best guy after him. BOOTH: The Wolf. BOOTH: Well thanks for these. (Holds out Gering Bail Bonds business cards.) GERING: Those are for you. You can maybe hand them out to everybody you arrest. BOOTH: Why would I do that? GERING: Because I am the picture of cooperation, provided you with a m*rder suspect. (Cut to: Jeffersonian Institute, Medico Legal Lab, Ookey Room. HODGINS is at work while BUNSEN JUDE enters.) BUNSEN JUDE: Excuse me, Dr. Hodgins. HODGINS: Yeah. (turns and sees BUNSEN JUDE) Whoa, Professor Bunsen Jude the Science Dude! Hey man, it is an honor to meet you (they shake hands). BUNSEN JUDE: Thank you. Dr. Brennan sent me to... HODGINS: (interrupts) Observe, analyze... HODGINS & BUNSEN JUDE: (in unison) Deduce! BUNSEN JUDE: No offense Dr. Hodgins, but you're a little older than my usual viewers. HODGINS: When I was in college, we used to have this drinking game, every time you said the word "Amazing!", we (brings an empty beaker to his mouth and mimics drinking) we... well anyway, I'm very familiar with your work. BUNSEN JUDE: I'm pitching in to help Dr. Brennan. She sent me to see if you found anything out from the beard. (HODGINS motions towards the victim's beard, tacked onto a board.) BUNSEN JUDE: Yucky. HODGINS: Yeah so, observe. Insects, various mineral particulates, mucus. BUNSEN JUDE: Bugs, dirt, snot. Is that blood? HODGINS: Analyze. It's barbeque sauce. More specifically, a vinegar and tomato based sauce most commonly found in western Virginia. BUNSEN JUDE: You're thinking you can trace his location before he passed away from the clues in his beard. HODGINS: Yes I do. Deduce! BUNSEN JUDE: Amazing! (HODGINS brings a beaker to his mouth and downs its contents. He makes a face and coughs afterwards.) (Cut to: Outside, reflecting pool. BOOTH and BRENNAN are seated on a bench, eating lunch) BOOTH: Listen, why don't you want to do a kids' show? BRENNAN: It's a waste of my time. BOOTH: It's a science show. BRENNAN: Kids' science. BOOTH: Parker loves that show. He's always watching it. He's always shouting out that slogan, "Ready, Aim, f*re!" BRENNAN: (corrects him) "Observe, Analyze, Deduce". BOOTH: Alright look, the whole point with the kids' show is you have an opportunity to you know, brainwash a bunch of normal kids into geeks, you know, future squints. BRENNAN: I'd be more likely to scare them away. BOOTH: What? BRENNAN: People should stick to their strengths. BOOTH: Well, you know, people should expand, I mean, expansion is good. They should grow. You believe in evolution, right? BRENNAN: If I didn't, I'd have to believe that early humans co-existed with dinosaurs. To believe that, I'd have to be dim witted. BOOTH: (in a serious tone) Ah, cave men fought the Tyrannosaurus Rex. That's a fact. BRENNAN: I can't tell if you're joking. (her phone rings) I hope you are. Oh, it's Angela. (answers) Hello? ANGELA: (on speakerphone) Hodgins and that Dr. Amazing... BRENNAN: (to Booth) Angela means Science Dude. ANGELA: (on speakerphone) Yeah, they ran an analysis on the contents of the victim's beard. BOOTH: Beard? Why the beard? ANGELA: (on speakerphone) It was full of stuff. BOOTH: Stuff? BRENNAN: Could you be more specific? ANGELA: (on speakerphone) Okay well, there were needles from the red spruce, which means he was at an altitude higher than 4,300 feet and the leg from a rare bug called the emerald ash borer. BOOTH: How rare is that? ANGELA: (on speakerphone) Rare enough that when it's combined with altitude and a not so secret barbeque sauce made by Ollie's BBQ in western Virginia, you're left with a half mile stretch off the 250 highway where the victim had to be shortly before being k*lled. BRENNAN: That's very good work Angela. Thank you. (hangs up) You're going to need Tuttie for this one. BOOTH: Tuttie? (Cut to: Woods. BOOTH follows TUTTI, the cadaver dog and her handler, MACGREGOR) MACGREGOR: If there's a d*ad body out here, Tutti will find it. BOOTH: Maybe Tutti's gotten smart, right, and realized it's best just to avoid d*ad bodies' smell altogether. MACGREGOR: I mean, this body could be in bits right? BOOTH: Could be. All we found were the head and the hands. MACGREGOR: Somebody try to make it harder to identify the victim? BOOTH: Yeah. Ok, so... (TUTTI sits then lays down.) BOOTH: That's it for Tutti? That's all she's got? MACGREGOR: No, that's how Tutti indicates. You dig there, you'll find human body parts or my name isn't Maggie MacGregor! BOOTH: Maybe you can get her to dig too? (Cut to: Later in the woods. An open excavation with human remains.) CAM: Headless, handless, right stage of decomposition, I'd say you found the rest of our victim. BOOTH: More bones for Bones to work on. (CAROLINE JULIAN walks up with two FBI AGENTS) CAROLINE: Excuse me, what in god's name are you people planting up here at this time of year? BOOTH: What are you doing here? CAROLINE: These agents are surveilling a cabin just over there and reported suspicious activity. (looks down at the bones) A moldering d*ad body counts as suspicious. CAM: These are most likely the remains of a bounty hunter named Ray Kaminsky. CAROLINE: Bounty hunter? By any chance was he in pursuit of a fugitive named Charles Braverman? BOOTH: Yeah, he's out on bail for m*rder. Looks like the bounty hunter chased Braverman out to his cabin and Braverman took him out. CAROLINE: It gets worse. Braverman's wife was slated to be a material witness against her husband. CAM: Was? CAROLINE: She's gone missing. That's why we put that place under surveillance. Too late, it appears. Maybe there are two bodies out here. BOOTH: Nah, I scoured this whole area with Tutti, you know the cadaver dog. CAROLINE: Well, all we can do is hope that Molly Braverman is out there somewhere hiding from her homicidal, maniac husband. BOOTH: I'll find her for you. CAROLINE: Ah, cherie. I love it when you sing that song. BOOTH: Haha. CAROLINE: (glances down at the bones) Ew! ACT THREE (Jeffersonian Institute, Medico Legal Lab, forensics platform.) BUNSEN JUDE: Alright everyone, are we wearing our masks and gloves? Health and safety first. (HODGINS and CAM look at him quizzically.) BUNSEN JUDE: Really, that's how you roll? Alright. (They open the body bag to reveal the victim's remains.) BUNSEN JUDE: Human remains, rotting. The medical term that describes the condition of this flesh is... anybody, anybody? (HODGINS raises his hand) BUNSEN JUDE: Yes? HODGINS: Ah, it's gooey. BUNSEN JUDE. Good. That's not exactly what I was looking for. CAM: Decomposed due to autolysis, the destruction of cells as a result of an aseptic chemical process. BUNSEN JUDE: Amazing! But you had me at "decomposed". HODGINS: Okay, okay ask something else. CAM: (raises her hand) I'd like to know how this person died. BUNSEN JUDE: Dr. Saroyan is the boss. We must always respect our superiors and our mom and dad. That's why I tell kids to ask first before removing simple household items when doing an experiment. (HODGINS clears his throat and nods toward the remains.) BUNSEN JUDE: Cause of death (moves the magnifying lens over a section of the remains). And there it is, the cause of death. CAM: Just like that? BUNSEN JUDE: Yes. (points to the screen) Bowing inward fracture. Fracture lines indicating high velocity trauma, most likely a g*n. HODGINS: You'd throw it to a cartoon now, right? To explain velocity. BUNSEN JUDE: Captain Speedy falling off the cliff, explaining velocity is the rate of change of displacement with time! HODGINS: I love Captain Speedy! CAM: The trajectory is a straight sh*t to the heart. Fatal. BUNSEN JUDE: Which is sad but amazing. HODGINS: Amazing. (Cut to: FBI building. SWEETS and BOOTH look at MOLLY's DMV picture on the monitor.) SWEETS: So Braverman and Molly were high school sweethearts. No reports of spousal abuse. BOOTH: So? SWEETS: He's considered a martinet at the workplace, control freak. BOOTH: Not at home? SWEETS: More likely, Molly successfully subjugated her own personality and desires to her husband. BOOTH: The why did she agree to testify against him? SWEETS: (shrugs) Chance to be free. BOOTH: Free? Huh, she's free now. SWEETS: Yeah, but she won't be on her own. I mean, she's not prepared to cope. BOOTH: Okay, so we're looking for someone who took her in. A friend or a family member. SWEETS: No, no she won't have any friends. Braverman wouldn't have allowed it. BOOTH: Sweets? SWEETS: Yeah? BOOTH: Not by herself, not with a friend. Then what's left? SWEETS: Surrogates. BOOTH: People who have babies for other people? SWEETS: No, no, no. Someone that she comes into contact with in a formal way like an employee. BOOTH: Oh right, or a housekeeper or a tax adviser or a personal trainer. SWEETS: Yes, exactly. Look for someone that she overcompensates or uh, utilizes more often than she needs to. (Cut to: Jeffersonian Institute, Medico Legal Lab, forensics platform. BRENNAN swipes her card and walks up.) BRENNAN: Dude, Dr. Saroyan tells me that you determined cause of death. BUNSEN JUDE: Keen observation and careful thought are traits that are as valuable as kindness, understanding and compassion. BRENNAN: Much more valuable, actually. BUNSEN JUDE: Well I try to promote all the traits which make for a good citizen. (Close-up of a rib on the monitor. BRENNAN and BUNSEN JUDE look on.) BRENNAN: I agree substantial damage has been done to this rib. Do you have an explanation for the fact that the two sides of the rib failed to match? BUNSEN JUDE: I miss something? BRENNAN: (points) The two sides of the fracture. There's a gap of at least seven millimeters, which is unaccounted for. BUNSEN JUDE: I missed it entirely but there's no shame in making a mistake. BRENNAN: If you're a child. But here that kind of carelessness could lead to a m*rder escaping. BUNSEN JUDE: And as the old adage goes, if at first you don't succeed you pick yourself up and ignoring all the doomsayers and mopey dopes, you try again. (uses tweezers, picks up a fragment and examines it closely) Amazing. Now the only component that's evading us is the b*llet that caused this injury. BRENNAN: No, that is not the only component evading us. (BRENNAN leaves.) (Cut to: ANGELA's office. CAM enters.) CAM: What've we got? BRENNAN: I've asked Angela to create a re-enactment of the victim's death. ANGELA: I'm just inputting the data now. CAM: (to BRENNAN) Professor Jude turned out to be quite impressive, didn't he? BRENNAN: Well, if you're six years old. CAM: A kind mind is a fine mind. (BRENNAN makes a face) It's just that stuff gets into your head and... go Angela. (Computer shows a rendering of the victim's injuries.) ANGLEA: As you can see, the victim was struck in the left fourth rib with a blow that was powerful enough not only to fracture the rib but also dislodge a portion of the bone. BRENNAN: Dude found a fragment of the rib. My theory is that the fragment was propelled forward and sh*t into the heart thus k*lling him. CAM: So he wasn't k*lled by a b*llet but by a piece of his own rib? BRENNAN: There's no indication of the w*apon being a b*llet. CAM: What did the rib damage? ANGELA: I hate to be the one to suggest this but this might be the perfect time for Hodgins and the Science Dude to join forces. CAM: Bring merriment to your experiment. (BRENNAN and ANGELA exchange looks) I just... made that one up myself. (Cut to: BOOTH's car.) BOOTH: Molly Braverman saw her hairdresser twice a week. BRENNAN: That's a lot. BOOTH: That's exactly what Sweets said we should look for, I mean, we talked to the hairdresser and get this, Molly asked if she could stay at the hairdresser's house for a few days. BRENNAN: You don't seem pleased. BOOTH: Yeah you know well, the hairdresser said I was the second FBI agent who called. So you know, I checked in with Caroline and nobody else followed the hairdresser lead. BRENNAN: What, Braverman? BOOTH: That's exactly what I thought but it was a woman who called. (Cut to: Apartment 5F where MOLLY is staying. BOOTH knocks and MOLLY answers.) MOLLY: (through the peephole) Yes? BOOTH: (shows his badge) FBI. (MOLLY opens the door.) BOOTH: FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth. This here is Dr. Temperance Brennan from the Jeffersonian. Can we talk to you for a minute? MOLLY: I'm sorry, this is isn't a good time. BRENNAN: Mrs. Braverman, we have reason to believe that you're in danger. BOOTH: Your husband may have discovered where you are and... what is it, is something wrong? BRENNAN: (turns around and sees BRAVERMAN outside through the window) Booth, it's Braverman. (BRAVERMAN turns and runs.) BOOTH: (to MOLLY) Stay inside and lock the door. (BOOTH and BRENNAN chase BRAVERMAN across the street.) BOOTH: Hey, hey hey! (BOOTH runs out in front of a cab) BOOTH: Whoa, whoa, whoa! CABBIE: (honks) Watch it! BOOTH: Can't you see I'm running? CABBIE: (as BRENNAN runs in front of the cab) Are you kidding me, lady?! (BOOTH and BRENNAN follow BRAVERMAN into an alley. BRAVERMAN takes out a g*n, fires and misses. BRAVERMAN continues into a parking garage and as BOOTH chases, he collides with JANET LEBLANC. They fall to the ground, with BRENNAN right behind.) BRENNAN: Booth! She's got a g*n (picks up the g*n, cocks it and aims for BRAVERMAN). BOOTH: Bones! BRENNAN: (to BRAVERMAN) Hey! BOOTH: Whoa, whoa, whoa... easy! (BRAVERMAN turns and jumps through a window, landing on a parked car below. He injures his leg but runs away before BRENNAN can get a sh*t off.) LEBLANC: (to Booth) Thanks a lot idiot! You just cost me two hundred grand. BOOTH: Two hundred grand? Oh great, just what I need, another damn bounty hunter. ACT 4 (FBI building. BOOTH leads LEBLANC, in handcuffs, to a conference room.) LEBLANC: Come on, we're in your castle. We're all on the same side. How about losing these stupid bracelets? BOOTH: On the same side? (CAROLINE walks up.) CAROLINE: (to LEBLANC) You as*ault a federal agent. LEBLANC: He didn't identify himself as such. Besides, he's a big boy. It's not like he can't handle a love tap or two. BOOTH: Oh, a wanted fugitive escaped because of your interference so have a seat. LEBLANC: Look, let me go and I'll get Braverman back for you. CAROLINE: If Braverman hurts or kills anyone else because you prevented his arrest, I'll charge you as an accessory. LEBLANC: I'm sorry but I've been chasing this guy for seventeen days now. (looks directly at BOOTH) It's the thrill of the chase, right? You know what I mean. BOOTH: (a b*at) Come on (removes LEBLANC's handcuffs). LEBLANC: Wow, you're actually letting me go? BOOTH: Well, thrill of the chase. You get it, right? Get outta here before I change my mind. (LEBLANC leaves.) CAROLINE: What'd you do that for? BOOTH: Double the pressure on Braverman. I don't care who gets him first. CAROLINE: I hate it when you're all adult and sensible. Get me a little bile and revenge. That's what I appreciate in a man (turns and leaves). BOOTH: What? (Cut to: Jeffersonian Institute, Medico Legal Lab, Ookey Room. HODGINS and BUNSEN JUDE are setting up an experiment.) HODGINS: Human ribs can withstand approximately four hundred pounds of force before breaking. Ribs one through three are the hardest with four through nine getting progressively weaker. BUNSEN JUDE: Our victim was a large man with big muscles and dense bones. HODGINS: I never thought of using paint stirrer sticks in place of ribs. BUNSEN JUDE: Many common household items mimic the properties of human body parts like cantaloupe melons or pudding. HODGINS: I'm not gonna ask about the pudding. (HODGINS sets the model at one end of the room. The model consists of paint sticks to represent the ribs and a balloon filled with red liquid to represent the heart. HODGINS and BUNSEN JUDE walk to the opposite end of the room.) BUNSEN JUDE: Start slowly and work our way up. HODGINS: Professor (extends a bowl filled with various projectiles to BUNSEN JUDE, who picks out a baseball). BUNSEN JUDE: Thank you. HODGINS: (sets up a speed g*n) Captain Speedy would say the speed will give us velocity and force. (BUNSEN JUDE throws the baseball at the model. The ball bounces off the model but does not break it.) HODGINS: Wow (checks the speed g*n). That's fifty-six miles per hour, which is 25.3 meters per second. That's not enough. (HODGINS and BUNSEN JUDE change positions. BUNSEN JUDE sets up the speed g*n as HODGINS picks another projectile from the bowl.) HODGINS: Ooh, how about a slingshot with a golf ball? Ready? (HODGINS aims and fires. The golf ball bounces off the model but does not break it.) HODGINS: Wow, those ribs are really tough. BUNSEN JUDE: (checks the speed g*n) A hundred miles per hour or... HODGINS: 45.15 meters per second, give or take. BUNSEN JUDE: Science is fun! HODGINS: Yeah! BUNSEN JUDE: But we do have a responsibility to the truth. HODGINS: Yeah. BUNSEN JUDE: The truth is whatever h*t this big, tough man's ribs made a piece fly off. HODGINS: Should we step this thing up a magnitude or two? (hands BUNSEN JUDE a hatchet). BUNSEN JUDE: Amazing! (Cut to: FBI Building, SWEETS' office, SWEETS is with a PATIENT.) (BOOTH enters.) BOOTH: Sweets! (notices the PATIENT) Oh hey, how are you? (to SWEETS) Listen, I need you help. SWEETS: I'm in a session! BOOTH: No, no, no no... Listen, I'm dealing with a dangerous fugitive here. (To PATIENT) You understand, don't you? (to SWEETS) I need your brain to help me figure out what his next move's gonna be. SWEETS: No, no, no, no... I still got twenty minutes left here then I'm all yours. BOOTH: Whoa, no, no, no... twenty minutes is not gonna work, alright? Two minutes, not a second more. (to PATIENT) Listen, whatever your problem is trust me, Sweets here can fix it in two minutes. (points to his watch) Two minutes. Let's go, let's go, come on (exits). SWEETS: Okay, well deciding to change genders is a monumental decision (PATIENT nods) in and of itself so why don't we take the weekend to reflect on that. And then we'll figure out what the next steps will be. Sound good? Yeah? Yeah. (Cut to: Jeffersonian Institute, Bone Room. BRENNAN is looking over bones on the table as ANGELA enters.) ANGELA: Hey, you have to go on the Dude's kiddie show. BRENNAN: No I don't. (exchanges a look with ANGELA) Why? ANGELA: Because it's the dream of every kid in this country who likes science even a little bit. BRENNAN: Well, I'm not a kid. I'm a fully-grown adult. ANGELA: Okay, then do it for your inner child. BRENNAN: If you're referring to a fetus, I unlike you, am not currently pregnant. ANGLEA: Sweetie, you go on the show and millions of little girls are going to look at you and say to themselves, "I can be like her". A scientist or an astronaut or a brain surgeon blah de blah. You know, sh**t for the stars. All that. BRENNAN: Even with the blah de blah, it seems very important to you. ANGELA: Yeah. If I have a daughter I'm going to name her Temperance. BRENNAN: You are? ANGELA: I mean we won't call her that. It's awful. Maybe it'll be her middle name but I want her to love you. BRENNAN: You love me. ANGELA: Yes, but not everyone is as willing to look as hard for you inner child as I am and this kid is half Hodgins, remember? Listen, if the Science Dude makes it all the way through this case, helpful or not, I think that you should cut him a break and go on his show. (sh*t of bone fragments, magnified on the monitor. BRENNAN turns her attention to the bones.) ANGELA: Yeah and I've lost you. BRENNAN: No, no you haven't. I am an excellent multitasker. I need the Dude. ANGELA: Oh, okay. (yells) Dude! Dude! BUNSEN JUDE: (off-screen) Coming, I'm coming! (BUNSEN JUDE enters.) BUNSEN JUDE: Yeah? ANGELA: You are on. Dazzle! (exits). BRENNAN: Dude, what do you see here? BUNSEN JUDE: Ribs, broken ribs. BRENNAN: Could you be more specific? BUNSEN JUDE: Okay. (walks toward the monitor) This is a magnification of the fourth left rib so it's big. And our eyes can see things that are usually too tiny for the human eye. And right here (points) where it's a little bumpy and weird, that's where the bone started to heal. BRENNAN: Remodeling. BUNSEN JUDE: Yes, which means this rib was broken before this man was k*lled. Amazing! BRENNAN: This injury occurred perhaps a week before the victim was k*lled. BUNSEN JUDE: Whatever made him die was not the same thing that broke his rib. BRENNAN: There were two injuries. One that broke off a piece of the rib... BUNSEN JUDE: And another approximately a week later which propelled the bone into his heart and k*lled him d*ad. BRENNAN: "k*lled him d*ad" is redundant. BUNSEN JUDE: But it's clear and what do we say about clarity? It's a barbarity that clarity is a rarity! BRENNAN: That's very true. (Cut to: FBI Building. BOOTH, SWEETS and CAROLINE are watching security tapes.) BOOTH: Okay, what am I looking at looking at here? CAROLINE: You know that myth where some good Samaritan anonymously sends in evidence that cracks the case? BOOTH: That never happens. CAROLINE: It happened. SWEETS: That's the victim, isn't it? (Footage shows KAMINSKY playing pool with GERING.) BOOTH: Yeah, he's playing pool with his boss, the bail bondsman. So what? CAROLINE: Here we go. (Footage shows KAMINSKY punching GERING.) CAROLINE: Slight disagreement between gentlemen. SWEETS: Does he really think that wig is fooling anyone? CAROLINE: He's terminal. BOOTH: What? CAROLINE: Cancer. The diagnosis isn't good. (Footage shows GERING jabbing KAMINSKY with a pool stick.) BOOTH: Oh, wow! Okay, at least we know how he cracked his rib. (Footage shows GERING pulling out a g*n, aiming it at KAMINSKY.) CAROLINE: Gotta give a little guy credit for guts. SWEETS: Someone thinks he's gonna die, he takes risks he might otherwise avoid. (Footage shows GERING continuing to point his g*n as KAMINISKY walks away.) BOOTH: Yeah or he just goes crazy. ACT 5 (FBI Building, interrogation room. BOOTH and CAROLINE question GERING.) GERING: The Wolf cheated. He called the wrong sh*t. There was money at stake. I did what I had to do. BOOTH: (motions to the television which shows footage of GERING jabbing KAMINISKY with a pool stick) Yeah, so you cracked him in the ribs? GERING: I protested in a vigorous fashion. We put it behind us. I didn't track him down and k*ll him later. CAROLINE: Maybe he wasn't so forgiving. Maybe he felt embarrassed that an old man in a bad wig made him look like a fool. BOOTH: Right, so he comes after you. CAROLINE: You protest again, even more vigorously, by which I mean you chop off his head. GERING: Look, you people! Guys like me and the Wolf... we're not lawyers, we don't talk things through. The Wolf once took a sh*t at me because I complimented his mother in a way he didn't appreciate. BOOTH: Guys like you, you get older, you get weak. Maybe you overcompensate. GERING: I'm still kickin', thanks sonny. CAROLINE: You're wearing that wig because of chemotherapy. You are going to die sir, within the next year. GERING: (exchanges looks with CAROLINE and BOOTH then removes his wig) Doctor says more like six months. And it's none of your business, but I believe in God and I would like to make a good impression when I stand before him. BOOTH: And make up for what, about a hundred as*ault convictions? GERING: as*ault in the course of my chosen profession. No aggravated as*ault, no k*lling anybody! If I were you, I'd be asking why Janet LeBlanc sent you that security tape. BOOTH: Oh what, the other bounty hunter? GERING: She's the only one who would benefit. CAROLINE: Why would one of your own bounty hunters want to incriminate you? GERING: Because she wants you wasting your time on me while she finds Braverman. Mission accomplished. BOOTH: You're being pretty damn helpful. (to Caroline) Isn't he? CAROLINE: Mmm-hmm. GERING: If you get to Braverman first, I don't have to pay out two hundred large which is why I'll play this for you (hits play on a recorder that's on the table). MOLLY: (on recorder) Charlie, tell me where you are and I'll come right away. BOOTH: Is that Molly Braverman? MOLLY: (on recorder) No, I promise. The FBI had no idea I was hiding you. (GERING stops the recorder.) CAROLINE: What'd you do, duplicate the sim card on her cell? GERING: No need, they got an app for that. BOOTH: Give me that (takes the recorder). (Cut to: FBI Building, conference room.) MOLLY: (on recorder) I can meet you at the corner of 21st and Scott in thirty minutes BOOTH: (stops the recorder) Okay, that recording was made an hour and a half ago. I contacted the officers who were assigned to protect Molly and she's already gone. BRENNAN: What kind of woman runs away with a man whom she knows to be a m*rder? SWEETS: I should've known. She's so used to being controlled she can't live without it. CAROLINE: I don't care about why, the question is where. Where are they? BOOTH: Right here. (brings up a map on the screen and points) Okay the intersection they plan to meet is right here. Now if Molly is driving... SWEETS: No, no no. He would've taken over once they got together. BRENNAN: How could you possibly know that? SWEETS: Well, since she's willing to accept the fact that her husband k*lled a man, it suggests that she's a submissive and compliant woman. CAROLINE: So where do you think they'll go? BRENNAN: Okay, this is ludicrous. Sweets can't possibly know that. SWEETS: Actually, I can. What I'm doing here, it's no less precise than profiling a suspect. So this meeting place is not random (points to the intersection on the monitor). It's right off the 66 interstate. From here, Braverman will head west. BRENNAN: (scoffs) Now you're psychic? SWEETS: 87% of all people escaping head west. I know, it's one of those bizarre, psychological truths. It's like, uh, circling clockwise when you're staking out a house. BRENNAN: Even the Dude would call that pseudo science. BOOTH: (brings up MOLLY's credit card records on the monitor) Credit card records show past reservations at campgrounds at Walker State Park and Freemont State Park. SWEETS: Yeah, they would want a familiar place where they feel secure. Both west of here, by the way. Just... (shrugs and glances at BRENNAN). BOOTH: The fastest route from here is between the 66 and 81. CAROLINE: I'll buy it, especially since we don't have anything else. BRENNAN: He won't make it to the 81. CAROLINE: Now who's psychic? BRENNAN: When Braverman rolled off the car, he landed flat-footed. From that height and the speed he was going, he must have dislocated his femoral head from his acetabulum. BOOTH: It couldn't be that bad. He's been running ever since. BRENNAN: Once he's in the car and immobile, his adrenaline will wear off and the pain will become unbearable. He'll need drugs and medical care. CAROLINE: You don't think he'd be stupid enough to go to a hospital? BRENNAN: He won't have a choice. BOOTH: I'll contact all the hospitals and urgent care facilities along the route. (Cut to: Jeffersonian Institute, Medico Legal Lab. CAM and HODGINS walking.) CAM: Nothing. You found nothing? HODGINS: We have tried everything we can think of. The problem is projectiles either bounce off the rib, crack it or fragment it into several pieces. CAM: But nothing knocked out one small fragment? HODGINS: It's like I told the Science Dude. We need something that strikes at more than forty meters per second but less than seventy meters per second. CAM: Which translates to? HODGINS: Ah, faster than a golf ball h*t with a three iron but slower than a rubber b*llet. (CAM and HODGINS enter the Ookey Room where BUNSEN JUDE is working.) CAM: (sees HODGINS' and BUNSEN JUDE's model. The balloons have been popped and red liquid has spewed around the model) Oh, good lord. (BUNSEN JUDE holds a potato g*n. His lab coat is covered in red liquid.) BUNSEN JUDE: I think I'm onto something. HODGINS: Whoa, you made a bazooka! BUNSEN JUDE: If you mean a potato bazooka, then yes. PVC tube, commercial hairspray as an accelerant. Hold and load (hands the g*n to HODGINS). HODGINS: Man, I haven't sh*t a potato g*n since I was a kid. CAM: Is this in any way safe? BUNSEN JUDE: Strictly eighteen and over so I am completely out of my comfort zone. HODGINS: (loads the g*n) Okay, loaded and ready, Professor (gives the g*n to BUNSEN JUDE). BUNSEN JUDE: (kneels with the g*n and takes aim at the model as HODGINS sets up the speed g*n) Spuds away! (CAM covers her ears as BUNSEN JUDE fires. The potato his the model and breaks the rib.) HODGINS: Wow, one hundred and forty miles per hour so that's 62.5 meters per second, give or take. Check the playback on that. (HODGINS walks to the monitor. Slow motion sh*t of the potato hitting the rib. A fragment breaks off and punctures the balloon that represents the heart.) BUNSEN JUDE: Eureka! CAM: I see your results are congruent with what happened but are we really saying that our victim was k*lled by a potato g*n? (HODGINS and BUNSEN JUDE smile.) (Cut to: BOOTH's car. BOOTH's phone rings.) BOOTH: It's Hodgins (answers). Hey Hodgins, you got a w*apon for us? HODGINS: (on speakerphone) It's a potato g*n. BRENNAN: Did you get that thesis from the Dude? CAM: (on speakerphone) That would be correct. BOOTH: Okay, m*rder by vegetable? HODGINS: (on speakerphone) Well, not literally. BUNSEN JUDE: m*rder by something that approximates the speed, force and velocity of a potato. A blunt, malleable projectile moving at a relatively slow speed. BRENNAN: That is very good work. BUNSEN JUDE: (on speakerphone) Ah, but good enough that you will agree to appear on my show? (BOOTH glances at BRENNAN.) BRENNAN: (nods) Yes. (BUNSEN JUDE and CAM look pleased. BOOTH's phone rings.) BRENNAN: Uh, excuse us. (BOOTH takes the call. It's AGENT CLANSNICK.) BOOTH: Oh, I got it, I got it. Yeah it's Booth. CLANSNICK: (on speakerphone) This is Agent Clansnick. MacArthur Hospital off the 66 just reported a couple, male and female. Male with a dislocated leg. BRENNAN: What, were they carrying any potatoes? CLANSNICK: (on speakerphone) Excuse me? BOOTH: No, we're eight miles out. We're on our way. ACT 6 (MacArthur Hospital. BOOTH and BRENNAN enter.) BRENNAN: What do you want to do? BOOTH: Well, what I want to do is I want to find a doctor to find him and pump him with enough morphine to stun an elephant. BRENNAN: Physicians can't do that, it's against the Hippocratic Oath. First, do no harm. (sh*t of LEBLANC entering the hospital.) BOOTH: Right, I'm just saying... (BOOTH and BRENNAN see LEBLANC). BRENNAN: She followed us. BOOTH: Hey, Janet! (BOOTH and BRENNAN go follow LEBLANC. LEBLANC goes through a set of doors and jams the handles with a crutch.) BOOTH: (attempts to open the door from the other side but can't) Janet! LEBLANC: (walks down the hallway and looks back at BOOTH) Braverman's mine G-man. (Cut to: MOLLY and BRAVERMAN in a hospital room. BRAVERMAN is in a gown while a NURSE prepares an injection) MOLLY: It's gonna be alright, okay? (Cut to: BRENNAN outside of the doors that LEBLANC went through.) BRENNAN: There's another way around. This way (runs as BOOTH follows). (Cut to: Hospital room. The nurse injects BRAVERMAN's knee.) (Cut to: BRENNAN and BOOTH spot LEBLANC.) BRENNAN: (points) Look there! (LEBLANC turns and walks away.) (Cut to: MOLLY leading BRAVERMAN out of the hospital room.) (Cut to: BOOTH and BRENNAN follow LEBLANC.) BRENNAN: I'm going to go back the other way (walks in a different direction than BOOTH). (sh*ts of: BOOTH following LEBLANC as she glances back. MOLLY and BRAVERMAN walking. LEBLANC spotting MOLLY and BRAVERMAN.) MOLLY: Run Charles, I got her. (LEBLANC shoves MOLLY and continues after BRAVERMAN. BOOTH and BRENNAN spot JANET and MOLLY from opposite sides of the hallway. MOLLY grabs a needle as BRENNAN kicks her causing MOLLY to inject herself with the needle. MOLLY falls to the floor. BOOTH chases BRAVERMAN but BRAVERMAN is sh*t by LEBLANC. BRAVERMAN falls to the floor. BOOTH takes out his g*n and aims it at LEBLANC.) BOOTH: No, wait! Drop the w*apon. LEBLANC: Relax G-man, he's fine. It's only a beanbag g*n. BOOTH: Drop it, now. LEBLANC: (sets the g*n on the floor) I got the guy. Bounty is mine. BOOTH: On your knees, now! LEBLANC: (kneels) He's officially mine. (BRENNAN rounds the corner and sees BOOTH and LEBLANC.) BRENNAN: Booth. BOOTH: Bones, you okay? Where's Molly? BRENNAN: She's incapacitated. Most likely for the next six to eight hours. (BOOTH handcuffs LEBLANC.) BOOTH: Bones, you think that a potato g*n and a beanbag can generate the same fig Newtons per square inch? BRENNAN: It's just Newtons, Booth. (picks up the beanbag and examines it) Yes, I think they could be very similar. Why? (BOOTH looks at LEBLANC.) BRENNAN: The bounty hunter k*lled the Wolf? BOOTH: They're both after Braverman at the same time in the woods near his cabin. So she just takes him out for the two hundred grand bounty. BRENNAN: It was an accident. The rib fragment broke off in the fight at the pool hall. (to LEBLANC) You had no idea that your beanbag g*n would k*ll him. BOOTH: Bones, what are you, a defense lawyer now? BRENNAN: A kind mind is a fine mind. BOOTH: She cut off his head! That wasn't an accident. BRENNAN: I have no rebuttal to that statement. BOOTH: Right, let's go (leads LEBLANC, in handcuffs, away). (Cut to: Various sh*ts of D.C. then to the exterior of the Jeffersonian Institute. In the lab, the forensics platform has been transformed into the set of BUNSEN JUDE's show. A neon sign "THE LAB" is overhead. The AUDIENCE consists primarily of children. BOOTH, CAROLINE, ANGELA, HODGINS, and CAM stand and watch from the back .) BOOTH: (speaking fast) I am so nervous, anyone else nervous? (to Caroline) You nervous? I'm nervous. CAROLINE: What if she starts to explain human dissection to these kids? (Theme music plays as the show starts. BUNSEN JUDE runs onto the stage. The AUDIENCE applauds. BOOTH takes a seat.) BUNSEN JUDE: What is the code of the scientist? AUDIENCE: Observe, analyze, deduce! ANGELA: Wow, these are not normal, fun children. BUNSEN JUDE: Kids, I want you to meet a very special friend. In fact, this is her lab. Isn't it amazing? AUDIENCE: It's amazing! BUNSEN JUDE: She's a forensic anthropologist and what she does is amazing! She looks at old bones, she figures out how people lived, what they were like, even how they died. She's amazing, like magic. AUDIENCE: She's amazing! BUNSEN JUDE: But it's not magic, it's... AUDIENCE: Science! BUNSEN JUDE: Her name is Dr. Temperance Brennan but she's better known as the Bone Lady (claps). (The AUDIENCE claps along with CAROLINE, ANGELA, HODGINS, and CAM. BRENNAN runs onto the stage in pigtails. She's dressed in a fluffy tutu, giant white gloves and a black leotard with a white skeleton. The AUDIENCE cheers. BOOTH claps and smiles. BRENNAN waves.) BUNSEN JUDE: Dr. Brennan, would you like to lead us in our Scientist's Oath? BRENNAN: I most certainly would, Science Dude. We see big stars (raises hands and waves) tiny atoms too (lowers hands and waves) because that is what scientists (points to herself) do. AUDIENCE: (in unison) Because that is what scientists do! BRENNAN: We get the facts and say what's true because that's what scientists (points to herself) do. AUDIENCE: (in unison) Because that is what scientists do! BOOTH: (in unison) Because that is what scientists do! BRENNAN: We use our minds (points to her head) embrace what's new (hugs herself) because that is what scientists (points to herself) do. AUDIENCE: (in unison) Because that is what scientists do! BUNSEN JUDE: Thank you Dr. Brennan. BRENNAN: No, thank you. (sh*ts of the AUDIENCE, CAROLINE, HODGINS and CAM cheering as BRENNAN bows and curtsies. BRENNAN spots BOOTH in the crowd. They make eye contact as BOOTH gives a smile and thumbs up. BRENNAN returns the smile and thumbs up. BRENNAN bows. Scene fades.) END.

{"type": "series", "show": "Bones", "episode": "06x04 - The Body and the Bounty"}

foreverdreaming

THE BONES THAT WEREN'T [Teaser] [Act 1] (OPEN: EXT: Construction Site. A skateboarder does tricks all around a construction site near Kalorama Park until his skateboard snags something, causing a wipeout. He inspects the cause of his fall only to discover a human skull in the concrete.) [Scene 1] [Act 1] ( CUT: INT: Booth's apartment. Booth and Hannah get ready for work.) SPECIAL AGENT SEELEY BOOTH: Woo-hoo. Oh. You look nice today. HANNAH BURLEY: Down boy. Gotta go to work. BOOTH: Beautiful and responsive. How'd I get so lucky, huh? HANNAH: What do you know about Anacostia? BOOTH: It's a neighborhood about a mile and a half from here. Seedy. Prostitution. Lots of gangs. Bad activity. Why? HANNAH: You ever hear of local cops getting bought off down there? BOOTH: I thought you were only working the White House and Capital Hill. HANNAH: You can see Anacostia from the top of the Capital Dome. BOOTH: Really? HANNAH: Mmm-hmm. BOOTH: Expanding our portfolio, are we? HANNAH: Look who's talking. How many jurisdictional boundaries have you transgressed over the years? BOOTH: All of 'em. HANNAH: All of 'em. BOOTH: Every one of them. HANNAH: Bye. (Makes her way to the front door, exits.) BOOTH: (Watches her go with a fond smile.) Bye. Miss you. [Scene 2] [Act 1] ( CUT: INT: Royal Diner. Booth, Sweets, and Brennan eat together at the diner.) DR. LANCE SWEETS: Anacostia? That's a really tough part of town. BOOTH: Not compared to downtown Karbala, it's not. BRENNAN: Or the surface of Venus, which is covered by clouds of Sulfuric acid and hundreds of active mega volcanoes. What? We were talking about tough neighborhoods. SWEETS: Uh-huh. It's good that Hannah is totally jazzed about her work, though. BRENNAN: For smart people like Hannah and me, not being jazzed is physically painful. BOOTH: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're saying that Hannah does extra work because she's bored at home? SWEETS: No. No. BOOTH: I'm an exciting guy. I, for example, I'm making dinner for her tonight. With wine. SWEETS: You just decided that now, didn't you? BRENNAN: If you're not the cause of her ennui then it stands to reason that you cannot make her happy. It's standard first order logic. BOOTH: First order logic? SWEETS: First order logic is a philosophical system of reasoning using if/then statements as quantifiers and predicates. BRENNAN: If/then statements are binary truth functions wherein a compound sentence is logically equivalent to the negative. BOOTH: Guys, Guys. Hannah and I are really happy. I gave her the big closet and I always put the seat down after I pee. BRENNAN: You should also put the lid down. Otherwise a fine mist of aerosolized urine and fecal particulates are sprayed into the air every time you flush. You might as well brush your teeth in excrement. SWEETS: She's right. BOOTH: (Booth's phone rings, he answers it.) Yeah. Thank God you called. Okay. Great, thanks. (Hangs up.) We have a case. (Points at Brennan's coffee.) Get that to go. (Booth gets up and departs table leaving Brennan and Sweets behind. Brennan takes a last sip of her coffee and follows behind.) [Scene 3] [Act 1] (CUT: EXT: Construction Site, near Kalorama Park (Crime Scene). Booth and Brennan arrive at the crime scene where Brennan probes the buried skeleton for more information.) BOOTH: I dunno. Looks like a giant man eating clam. BRENNAN: No, there's no such thing as a man eating clam. BOOTH: Oh, you know, the giant ones, they clamp on your leg like a bear trap. BRENNAN: A - the shells close too slowly to catch anything; B - the really big ones can't even close all the way. BOOTH: Not in the movies I've watched. FBI AGENT: It's all yours. BOOTH: Whoa-Ho! Poor guy. Now, he's stuck in a hard place. BRENNAN: How do you know it's a male? BOOTH: I don't. I just meant, you know, I just...I feel bad whatever sex... BRENNAN: Ugh. However, you are correct. Given the angle of the jaw and the wear to the teeth, the victim is a male in his late twenties. BOOTH: Male. Late twenties. Okay, what's that? BRENNAN: Probe. These appear to be the only remains encased here. BOOTH: What do you mean? BRENNAN: Where's the back of his skull? BOOTH: Oh, okay. So what you're saying is that there could be male parts all just embedded here in this big slab of concrete? BRENNAN: There's the impression of the rest of the skull. When the concrete set, the bone was still there but somehow it disappeared in the mean time. BOOTH: So, let me guess - you want the whole slab of concrete shipped back to the Jeffersonian, right? BRENNAN: No. Don't be absurd. A two by three by four meter section will be fine. BOOTH: Yeah. BRENNAN: Shouldn't weight more than a ton. [Scene 4] [Act 1] (CUT: INT: Jeffersonian Platform) DR. JACK HODGINS: (Vacuums dust from slab which has been relocated to the Jeffersonian platform.) Nothing here but dust. ARASTOO VAZIRI Perhaps it's what's left of the missing bones. BRENNAN: It could be many things Mr. Vaziri. Speculation is pointless until we analyze the evidence. ARASTOO: Sorry. I've been away from Forensic Anthropology for almost a year. I guess I'm rusty. DR. CAMILLE SAROYAN: But we are delighted to have you back, aren't we, Dr. Brennan? BRENNAN: Yes, we're delighted. Cultural Anthropology is a fine discipline but it doesn't involve as much hard science as Forensic Anthropology. I hope that you'll be able to make the requisite readjustment. ARASTOO: Like time has stood still. HODGINS: All done. So many tunnels in there. Like an ant farm. ARASTOO: Since we have the Fluoroscope, I was thinking I could inject the Barium Sulfate slurry into the concrete. Once inside I could Fluoroscope the slurry like an MRI. BRENNAN: That should give us a clear picture of what we're dealing with without destroying the concrete. HODGINS: How's that for hard science thinking? Good boy, Arastoo. HODGINS: It looks like a human skeleton. ARASTOO: It is a Skeleton. Or at least a cast of one. CAM: So the tissue must have decomposed before the concrete was poured. HODGINS: Why? BRENNAN: Because otherwise we'd be looking at the mold of a human body instead of the mold of a skeleton. CAM: What happened to the victim's clothing? HODGINS: Natural fibers like cotton would have decomposed to dust or tatters in say, I don't know, four months. ARASTOO: But not bones. BRENNAN: If we can find out what happened to the victim's skeletal structure we may be able to figure out what happened to him. [SMASH CUT: MAIN TITLES] [Scene 1] [Act 2] (Fade in: INT: Jeffersonian platform) BRENNAN: All right, so the victim was lying on his back, arms by his side. CAM: He must have been knocked unconscious, paralyzed or already d*ad. BRENNAN: What's your thinking? CAM: If he was conscious he would have curled up in pain or tried to crawl away. ARASTOO: Found something really...odd. CAM: Something between the victim's teeth? ARASTOO: No. On his teeth. Is there any such thing as a dental tattoo? BRENNAN: There's no reason ink couldn't be introduced into the enamel. CAM: Whadda ya got? Huh. Well, that's a new one. BRENNAN: There's a figure of an upside down man on the victims on the left central maxillary incisor. ARASTOO: I believe he's affecting a head spin - a classic hip hop move. CAM: There can't be too many people that tattoo teeth, right? This could lead to the victim's identity. BRENNAN: I will find it extremely frustrating if the victim's identity is all we can discern. CAM: Well, unless you can take bone dust and turn it back into a full skeleton, this is all we've got to work with. [Scene 2] [Act 2] (Cut: INT: Booth's Apartment. Hannah returns home to a candlelight dinner.) HANNAH: Oh God. BOOTH: What? HANNAH: You're going to propose. BOOTH: No! HANNAH: Uh, candles, wine, new toothbrushes? BOOTH: Right. HANNAH: You went through all this to tell me I have bad breath? BOOTH: No. I just think you need a new toothbrush. Well, actually we both do. I bought these two. Obviously. And you can choose which color you like. HANNAH: something Temperance said? BOOTH: Yeah. Something she did. Trust me you do not want to know. HANNAH: Aah. BOOTH: More importantly, time for a little wine. The day is over. HANNAH: Oh, thanks. BOOTH: There you go. For you. Okay. There you go. For me. Cheers. HANNAH: Cheers. BOOTH: So, we're good here. HANNAH: Okay, Seeley, what's all this about? BOOTH: Nothing. Why does it have to be about something? HANNAH: You found out that my editor won't let me pursue the corrupt cop story. Huh? BOOTH: No, I didn't. What did he say? HANNAH: I quote - the White House press corps chases history, not lurid true crime stories. BOOTH: Wow, he actually said the word lurid? HANNAH: It's not funny. BOOTH: It is kinda funny. HANNAH: Why is it funny? BOOTH: Well, because I know that you're still going to do that story without his permission. And I think that really makes me laugh. HANNAH: I like that you know me that well. BOOTH: Yeah. Hey, is there any chance that I could say to you, uh, be careful, and then you could say 'safety first'? HANNAH: It's worth a sh*t. BOOTH: Okay. You be careful. HANNAH: Safety first. BOOTH: Liar. (Gooses her.) HANNAH: Aren't we going to eat first? BOOTH: No way. [Scene 3] [Act 2] ( Cut: INT: Jeffersonian - Platform. Brennan joins Angela at the lab - it's clear Angela's been up all night.) BRENNAN: Angela. Good morning. Hello. ANGELA: Ooph. It is morning, yeah? BRENNAN: You stayed up all night? ANGELA: Yes. BRENNAN: Is that good for the baby? ANGELA: Well, what he doesn't know doesn't hurt him, right? Okay, so here is an additive stereolithograph that I borrowed for archaeology. You need a skeleton, and I'm gonna make a reasonable facsimile. BRENNAN: Are those lasers? ANGELA: Their purpose is to cure micro thin layers of liquid resin into hard plastic. The stacking of these two dimensional layers will create a three dimensional object. BRENNAN: The fluoroscopic scan created a template. ANGELA: Which you'll use to grow a plastic replica of the victim's skeleton. BRENNAN: How accurate will it be? ANGELA: That's for you and Arastoo to find out. While I take a well deserved nap. BRENNAN: at worst, it will be as accurate as a fossil. I find I am totally jazzed by you out of the box lateral thinking. ARASTOO: (Enters.) Come to work and find myself in the future. BRENNAN: Time travel is impossible Mr. Vaziri. But I know exactly what you mean. CAM: (Enters.) Wow. If you're taking orders, I'd like a six four, thirty-seven year old male, with a good income and no mommy issues. [SCENE 4] [Act 2] (Cut: INT: Jeffersonian - Bone Room) ARASTOO: The detail is remarkable. ANGELA: Thank you. CAM: It's even flexible at the joints where the tendons and ligaments were replicated. ANGELA: Right. But can we get anything useful from it? ARASTOO: Well, the victim had turned out hips and high arches. That along with the muscle attachment at the shoulders and hips suggests that he was a ballet dancer. There are nicks on the lateral and posterior surfaces. ANGELA: Okay. Why don't you just flip it over so we can get a better look? ARASTOO: We would never flip over a real skeleton. CAM: Ah, lucky for us this is a replica. Come on. Grab a limb. ANGELA: Hey, this was kinda fun. ARASTOO: These nicks suggest that he was s*ab. CAM: Or impaled. We haven't (unintelligible) m*rder yet, Mr. Vaziri. It's possible that the victim blundered into a construction site, fell into the foundation and impaled himself on rebar. [SCENE 5] [Act 2] (Cut: INT: Dance Studio) BOOTH: Well, this is the place the guy with the tattoo on his tooth, Robert Pearson, (unintelligible). BRENNAN: That's assuming that Robert Pearson is the only missing person to have a tattoo of a hip hop dancer on his left front incisor. BOOTH: Uh-huh. BRENNAN: I admit the odds favor your conclusion. No family, no job? BOOTH: (unintelligible), a year. (unintelligible) off the grid. Cynthia Rinaldi: Clumsy, clumsy, clumsy. What are you doing? Are you new? BOOTH: Wow, she's mean. BRENNAN: Ballet is a rigorous vocation, Booth. BOOTH: Whoa. CYNTHIA: Bad posture, bad hands, bad partner. Are you an eagle? MALE DANCER: Excuse me? CYNTHIA: Are you an eagle? MALE DANCER: No. CYNTHIA: Then stop making claws. Fingers flat on all lifts. That hurts, right? BOOTH: Okay, I really don't have any problems seeing this woman k*ll somebody. You? BRENNAN: Well, she's quite small physically. CYNTHIA: I suggest you learn how to perform a lift. BOOTH: She's mean. Whoa. Okay, well, there's your evidence of strength. CYNTHIA: That's how you perform a lift. (To Booth) what do you want? I'm trying to bring a little beauty to the world, if that's okay with you. BOOTH: We just have a few questions about one of your former students. CYNTHIA: Which former student? I have quite a number of former students. BRENNAN: Robert Pearson. CYNTHIA: Robert? I hope you're here to tell me he's d*ad. BOOTH: Today is your lucky day. BRENNAN: Why do you wish him to be d*ad? CYNTHIA: Because he is the one who broke this ankle and set my career back three years. [SCENE 1] [Act 3] ( Fade in: INT: Dance Studio) CYNTHIA: You want me to break down and cry because Robert's d*ad? People die, bad things happen. BOOTH: Oh, so you blame Robert for breaking your ankle? CYNTHIA: Yes. An accident not too different from what you saw today. But I'll be just fine in six months. BRENNAN: Your gait and the contour of your ankle indicate that you suffered compound fractures to the medial and lateral malleolus. BOOTH: Lateral mallevious. Well, sounds pretty serious, huh? BRENNAN: She'll never be able to properly execute a fouette again. BOOTH: Heh. Career ender, huh? You don't seem too surprised. CYNTHIA: Doctors say things all the time, it doesn't make it true. BOOTH: Right. Your dad owns a construction company, right? CYNTHIA: Yeah. So? BOOTH: So, you must know your way around a construction site pretty well. You know, Robert was just found in a recently completed site. CYNTHIA: Okay, this...this is crazy. I could never k*ll anyone. BOOTH: It's not crazy. You know, people do this all the time. They get mad. A little too mad. BRENNAN: (unintelligible) actually Robert's fault you fell? CYNTHIA: It, it, it was a pas de deux. He dropped me. That is not my fault. BRENNAN: Given your height, you are well over the optimal weight for a ballerina. It would be difficult for anybody to perform proper pas de deux with you. CYNTHIA: Are you calling me fat? BRENNAN: No. No. For a member of the general public you are actually quite (unintelligible), but by ballerina standards - CYNTHIA: You bitch! BOOTH: Okay, temper, temper. CYNTHIA: Look, if you're going to charge me with something get on with it otherwise I have a class to teach. [SCENE 2] [Act 3] (Cut: INT: Jeffersonian - Bone Room) ARASTOO: There are remodeled, circular micro fractures on the skull. CAM: So someone struck him on the head with a twirling - what twirls, and is good for hitting on the head? ARASTOO: Very thin cardboard on asphalt? CAM: So he left ballet to become a spinning on his head dancer? HODGINS: Check this out. Initial analysis of the powdered bone dust revealed traces of Blastomyces Dermatitidis. It's a fascinating fungus that quite literally eats bone. CAM: So that's what happened to the rest of his skeleton? A fungus ate it? ARASTOO: Where did the fungus come from? HODGINS: It must have been introduced to the bone before he died. CAM: Ouch. HODGINS: Well, it's bad for him but good for us. I mean the fungus probably hitched a ride on the m*rder w*apon. Now, check this out. I crosschecked the CDC's infectious disease map for outbreaks of the fungus in the area. There was an outbreak in Kalorama Park about six months ago. ARASTOO: Fits the time frame. CAM: Kalorama Park's loaded with street performers. ARASTOO: Perfect place for a guy to spin on his head. HODGINS: Added twist - as well as the fungus in the bone dust, I found flecks of bronze in his wounds. CAM: So we'll tell Booth to keep an eye out for a bronze m*rder w*apon in Kalorama Park. [SCENE 3] [Act 3] ( Cut: ext: Kalorama Park) BOOTH: Must have been quite a come down to have been working for a professional ballet company to, you know, dancing for tips. BRENNAN: For centuries busking has been a viable way for creative people to earn a living. No BARRIERS between the performer and the audience with payment coming only after the performance. It's ENTERTAINMENT in its purest unfettered form. BOOTH: I bet he drove his parents crazy. BRENNAN: The fluidity with which he moves should not be possible. It appears as if he has no bones. BOOTH: Well, that would put you out of business wouldn't it? BRENNAN: We should talk to some of the buskers, Booth. BOOTH: Excuse me, FBI special agent Booth. This here is Dr. Temperance Brennan from the Jeffersonian. Just want to ask you a few questions. BEVERLY HOULE: We're just performing. This isn't federal land. The FBI has no jurisdiction over us. BOOTH: Oh, hey, just simmer down there... uh BEVERLY: Beverly. BOOTH: Beverly. We don't want to take away from your... what did you call it? BRENNAN: Pure unfettered entertainment. BOOTH: Exactly. JOHNNY WIZARD: we got off on the wrong foot here. I'm Johnny. Johnny Wizard. And this is Derrick. Derrick here keeps the park clean for us. BOOTH: Derrick. JOHNNY: You might wanna take better care of your watch. BRENNAN: Oh, ho - that was very good. BOOTH: Give me that. JOHNNY: How 'bout this. BRENNAN: Look Booth. BOOTH: Yeah, look. Hey, an ear flower. Great. You guys recognize this man? DERRICK PRICE: Yeah, that's Robert. Is he in trouble? BRENNAN: Robert is d*ad. BEVERLY: Oh no. DERRICK: Man, that's terrible. BEVERLY: Told you it was weird he just disappeared like that. BRENNAN: Then why didn't you report him missing? BEVERLY: Weird is just weird, it's not suspicious. We thought he went legit, left us behind. BOOTH: You and Robert have a little thing there? BEVERLY: Only business. I played, he danced. JOHNNY: What happened to him? BOOTH: That's what we're investigating right now. When was the last time you guys saw him. BEVERLY: Six months ago? JOHNNY: I think this would really suit you. BRENNAN: That is my bracelet. BOOTH: I hate magic. Hate magic. Did he have any enemies? BEVERLY: Everybody loved Robert. DERRICK: What about Russell. BOOTH: Who's Russell? DERRICK: They got in a fight about prime dance spots. BEVERLY: But the worked it out. BOOTH: All right, listen, if you hear of anything, here's my card just give me a call. Okay. Whoa, easy. You know, it's a federal offense to steal an FBI agent's ID. I could sh**t you if I want you, you know that? sh**t you. BRENNAN: Hodgins found bronze particulates at the site. BOOTH: Yeah, so? BRENNAN: This statue seems to be made of bronze. Perhaps some of the sharp edges are responsible for the injuries we discovered. (Statue moves.) Oh! BOOTH: Whoa! [SCENE 1] [Act 4] ( Cut: INT: FBI Hoover Building - Interrogation Room) SWEETS: Mr. Milford. I'm Dr. Lance Sweets. I'm a psychologist. Now, the reason I'm talking to you is that every time the FBI agent I work with asked you a question you spouted Shakespearean verse at him. He doesn't speak Shakespearean. We found traces of bronze on a m*rder victim. You're covered in bronze. What I think is that you suffer from an untreated dissociative identity disorder wherein the only way that you can communicate is through Shakespeare. So. An honest tale speeds best being plainly told. TYLER MILFORD: Truth is truth to the end of reckoning. SWEETS: You're talking. Okay. Uh. Regarding the homicide of Robert Pearson. There is special providence in the fall of a sparrow. TYLER: by !sis, will give thee bloody teeth if thou with Robert paragon again. SWEETS: Oh, okay, so you're saying that Robert wasn't an innocent victim. Right. Uh. But were we burdened with like weight of pain, as much or more we should ourselves complain. TYLER: This is the short and long of it - there is no honor amongst thieves. SWEETS: Oh, he's a thief? What kind of thief was he? One may smile and smile and be a villain. TYLER: A cutpurse of the empire and the rule - that from a shelf the precious diadem stole and put it in his pocket. SWEETS: Robert Pearson was a thief, a cutpurse. That's a pickpocket, right? He worked with someone. He betrayed him. And where the offense is let the great axe fall. TYLER: Well. I can no other answer make but thanks and thanks. How far that little candle throws his beam so shines a good deed in a naughty world. SWEETS: Well, thank you. [SCENE 2] [Act 4] ( Cut: INT: Jeffersonian - Bone Room) ARASTOO: There are nicks to the right tibia, femur and ilium. The back of the tenth rib on the left side, the left transverse process of the T6 and the right scapula. BRENNAN: These marks are congruous with impaling, but none suggest cause of death. ARASTOO: Maybe he bled out. HODGINS: the bronze particulates I found didn't come from the paint on the Shakespearean Looney Tunes. BRENNAN: Where did they come from? HODGINS: I dunno. Maybe a pipe? ARASTOO: That was helpful. BRENNAN: I discern from your tone that you mean the opposite of what you're saying. Which is the very definition of irony. [SCENE 3] [Act 4] ( Cut: INT: Jeffersonian - Angela's Office) ANGELA: This is the construction site before the concrete was poured. This is rebar. No over that is a layer of plastic sheeting. It appears that the victim was pushed or fell from this spot. CAM: How high is that? ANGELA: Just shy of three meters. And he was impaled here. CAM: But his skull was found over there. ANGELA: Yeah, the body was yanked off the rebar and dragged over there. The plastic sheeting was sliced and the body was shoved underneath. CAM: So the corpse decomposed under the plastic for four months before the concrete was poured? ANGELA: Well, the construction company went bust and the whole area was fenced off for several months. And then another company Came in and bought the project and poured the foundation. Now the concrete lifted the skull through the slit in the plastic and the rest of the bones dissolved from Hodgins fungus. This guy was impaled. So, how did nobody notice the blood for four months? CAM: Black plastic and rusty rebar from a distance - practically impossible. Can all of the nicks on the bones be explained by the rebar? ANGELA: Yeah, let me show you. CAM: Okay, what's that? ANGELA: That's a nick on his spine. CAM: Okay, the wound on the right transverse process of the t-6 does not line up with the rest of the wounds from the rebar. ANGELA: Well, it could have been inflicted before he fell on the rebar. CAM: That one. It punctures his lung. This is not only cause of death; it's the way Hodgins fungus was introduced into the bone marrow. [SCENE 4] [Act 4] ( Cut: INT: Booth's SUV) BOOTH: So, you remember these entertainers fight over the best spots, right? BRENNAN: Yes. BOOTH: Okay, so who had the most to gain from Robert Pearson leaving? BRENNAN: The other dancer, Russell Leonard. BOOTH: Yeah, so with Robert gone, Russell's the only dancer. Robert's death doubled his income. BRENNAN: That's not all you got. Because if we're looking for a pickpocket that magician makes a good suspect. BOOTH: Uh, uh, uh. Magician's record's totally clean. Russell was arrested two months ago for thr*at another dancer with a sharpened screwdriver. BRENNAN: The m*rder w*apon as described by Cam and Angela could very well be a sharpened screwdriver tipped with a bone eating fungus. BOOTH: Bone eating fungus? Sometimes you say things that sound crazy in a really serious tone of voice. BRENNAN: Perhaps. [SCENE 5] [Act 4] ( Cut: INT: Kalorama Park) RUSSELL LEONARD: (Passes tip hat around the circle) all right, all right. Thank you, thank you. All right. Thank you. That's what I'm talking about ... (comes to Booth and Brennan) all that and you can't even kick in a buck? What's up with that? Oh now you're kicking my stuff? That's police brutality. BOOTH: I'm not kicking, I'm just stumbling. You wanna know what Bones? BRENNAN: What? BOOTH: You know what I feel with my foot there? Looks like a w*apon. Uh-oh, parole violation, pal. (Cuffs Russell) BRENNAN: Your fluidity makes it appear that you have no bones. And I am an expert on bones so I find that very impressive. RUSSELL: Well, thank you. I take that as a great compliment while being intimidated by law enforcement. BOOTH: (Answers phone) Booth. Yeah, uh, hold up. (Gestures to uniformed bicycle police in the vicinity.) Hey guys, over here. Uh, I'm on my way. BRENNAN: Booth, what's wrong? BOOTH: I gotta go. Hannah's been sh*t. [SCENE 1] [Act 5] Cut: INT: Hospital Room HANNAH: Don't worry Seeley, I'm fine. BOOTH: You got sh*t, Hannah, you're not fine. HANNAH: I've been sh*t before. So have you, right? BOOTH: It's not like you build up an immunity to g*n sh*t wounds. All right. You know what? You should have taken me with you. HANNAH: Stop. If I'm there with an FBI guy, I don't get my story. You know that. BOOTH: Did you see the sh**t. HANNAH: Why? You gonna go after him. BOOTH: Yeah, I am. HANNAH: They pulled a .38 slug outta my leg. BOOTH: A cop g*n. HANNAH: When I was sh*t I was talking to a dealer who was telling me about cops moving drugs in his neighborhood. In my EXPERIENCE things are not that coincidental. BOOTH: Okay, so you're not gonna lose you job here are you? I'm mean you're editors not gonna can you? HANNAH: I'm sh*t. I'm pretty. Suddenly he thinks it's a pretty good story. BRENNAN: (Enters) I looked at your X-rays. HANNAH: Yeah, well, the doctor said it was nothing. I should be out in the morning. BRENNAN: That's a very bad idea. BOOTH: Why? BRENNAN: Because Hannah has suffered a hairline avulsion fracture of the femur. HANNAH: The doctor said it was a little nick on the bone. BRENNAN: An avulsion fracture is caused when a tendon or ligament pulls off a piece of bone. If you stress your leg incorrectly, the tendon could pull that shard of bone out farther than it already is and sever the femoral artery. You'd bleed out and die before anyone knew what had happened. HANNAH: You sure? BRENNAN: (Nods) I'll talk to the chief surgical resident. I believe he'll want to operate on you this evening. HANNAH: So basically, you saved my life. BRENNAN: (Turns to exit) BOOTH: Bones, thanks. Booth and Brennan share a look and he watches her leave. [SCENE 2] [Act 5] Cut: INT: Jeffersonian - Hodgins' Lab ARASTOO: Any evidence on the screwdriver? HODGINS: Well, I pulled all of this so I know he used the screwdriver to open beer, scrape dog excrement off the bottom of his shoe, stir coffee - ARASTOO: Hopefully not in that order. HODGINS: It's been six months. There's not much chance that the fungus would still be evident on the smooth metal surface. ARASTOO: So what now? HODGINS: Now it's time to go to the source. The CDC reported three more cases of Blastomyces Dermatitidis linked to Kalorama Park. ARASTOO: Which would tie the dancer to the m*rder. HODGINS: Ah, beats cultural anthropology, don't it? [SCENE 4] [Act 5] Cut: INT: FBI Hoover Building - Interior Hall SWEETS: Oh, Agent Booth - No, you should be with Hannah. Dr. Brennan and I can conduct the interrogation. BOOTH: Bones said the operation was routine. BRENNAN: it's a simple procedure, yes. BOOTH: And we have a case to work. SWEETS: Okay. Uh, you're obviously upset. And that's understandable. BOOTH: I'm not upset, okay? I'm just doing my job. BRENNAN: Something is happening here and I'm not sure what it is. SWEETS: Well, agent Booth had a scare. Someone very close to him could have died and now he's obviously in denial. BRENNAN: I'm close with Booth and am frequently in life thr*at situations. But we persevere. BOOTH: See that Sweets? Not in denial. I'm persevering. BRENNAN: Persevering. BOOTH: That's right. SWEETS: (Mumbles) yeah, okay. [SCENE 4] [Act 5] Cut: INT: FBI Hoover Building - Interrogation Room BOOTH: You've got two as*ault charges here - one where you thr*at someone with a screwdriver. RUSSELL: That was self defense. The charges were dropped. BRENNAN: The petty theft charge wasn't dropped. RUSSELL: I stole a sandwich, I was hungry. I spent five days locked up. I'm sure they can think of better ways to spend the tax payers' money. BOOTH: Why don't you tell about you and your friend Robert? RUSSELL: Look, when Robert Came to the park he was broke. I showed him the ropes, told him what kind of moves would bring in the biggest crowds. BRENNAN: Then in a couple weeks he was making more money than you. BOOTH: That must have pissed you off. RUSSELL: I mean, I...I was jealous, okay. But Robert and me, we were friends. BRENNAN: Your screwdriver is a good match for the m*rder w*apon. BOOTH: If you're such great friends, why didn't you report him missing? RUSSELL: I work the streets. People come and go. That's the way it is. BOOTH: Yeah, people on the streets they also don't like it when someone takes money they think is theirs. RUSSELL: Okay, I get where this is going. So, you've already decided that I'm guilty. I want a lawyer. [SCENE 5] [Act 5] ( Cut: EXT: Kalorama Park dumpster) ARASTOO: These wrappers are from the vendor who sells chicken. They're clean. HODGINS: So far none of the food stalls show evidence of fungus. ARASTOO: Well, I thought if you use a screwdriver to open up cans, maybe food got on it, too. HODGINS: Well, look at the bright side, now we can eat this Pad Thai. ARASTOO: It does look delicious. HODGINS: Hey, there's definitely some kind of eukaryotic organism growing on this. These trash bags, they all come from the restroom, huh? ARASTOO: This is not how I imagined spending my day. HODGINS: Do me a favor; separate all the bags from the restroom from the others. ARASTOO: Working on two degrees and this is where I end up. Tuition money well spent. HODGINS: Hey, hey, hey - Blastomyces Dermatitidis. All right. Park janitor collected what we needed. ARASTOO: Look what else he has. (Vaziri spots Derrick with a trash picker.) HODGINS: I think we just found the m*rder w*apon. [SCENE 1] [Act 6] ( Cut: INT: Jeffersonian - Bone Room) BRENNAN: It's possible that this was the m*rder w*apon. CAM: Okay. BRENNAN: Would you be happier if I said it was probable that it was the m*rder w*apon instead of possible? CAM: Sometimes decreasing the probability makes it tougher to identify the m*rder. BRENNAN: You mean we know what, when and how but we have no evidence tying this w*apon to a specific who. CAM: Really, it could be anybody. But, it's good that we found the w*apon. BRENNAN: Wait. It seems the m*rder chased the victim through the park. Both would want to know why. CAM: Shakespeare said the victim was a pickpocket. Maybe one of his angry marks caught him at it. BRENNAN: Okay, so the angry mark grabs the trash picker and catches up to the victim at the construction site. CAM: s*ab him in the back, tosses him into the foundation. BRENNAN: The slits the plastic and shoves his body beneath it. CAM: I know what you're thinking. We already looked for the fingerprints on the plastic where it was cut. It's all degraded and smeared from the blood. The forensic team found nothing useful. BRENNAN: No, no, Cam, along the slit was the wrong place to look. [SCENE 2] [Act 6] (Cut: INT: Jeffersonian - Platform) CAM: What is she doing? BRENNAN: Dr. Hodgins, would you come over here and be a corpse? HODGINS: Yeah. ANGELA: Sweetie, you do mean pretend to be a corpse, right? Because the way you're holding that Kn*fe, you're looking a little slasher-y. BRENNAN: No, this Kn*fe is not for Dr. Hodgins. Now the curve in the slit suggests that the m*rder held the Kn*fe in his right hand. CAM: And the slash extended one point five meters, performed in one smooth movement. HODGINS: Careful where you're going with that razor sharp blade there. BRENNAN: (Pushes Hodgins through the slit) there. There. CAM: Uh, there? What there? ANGELA: Right. She supported her weight with her left hand. So she left a full palm print on the plastic. CAM: How do you get a six month old palm print off a piece of plastic that's encased in concrete? HODGINS: (Pops back up through the slit.) I need some gold. [SCENE 3] [Act 6] (Cut: INT: Hannah's Hospital Room) HANNAH: Did you catch the m*rder. BOOTH: Well, technically attempted m*rder since you survived. HANNAH: I meant the dancer k*ller, not the journalist sh**t. BOOTH: We'll catch him, don't worry. And we'll catch whoever did this to you. HANNAH: Ten bucks says I catch him before you do. BOOTH: I'm not a betting man, but if I was I'd definitely raise the stakes. HANNAH: Obviously whoever sh*t me is a cop who's afraid of getting caught. BOOTH: I think you should back off. HANNAH: You've gotta be kidding. BOOTH: What? No. At least until you get your health back. Then we can lull him into a false sense of security. Catch him together. HANNAH: Can you please lean in? Closer. A little closer. (unintelligible). Thank you for being my bid, scary protector. [SCENE 4] [Act 6] (Cut: INT: Jeffersonian - Hodgins' Lab) HODGINS: Now the process is called vacuum metal deposition. ANGELA: Well, his looks like a popcorn machine. HODGINS: Now, gold will bind with the lipids from fingerprints at the atomic level. Now this technique involves coating a thin layer of thermalized metallic dust onto the evidence. CAM: It has to be gold? HODGINS: Well, yeah, gold conducts electricity better than any other non-corrosive metal. What did you have to pay for it yourself? CAM: Go. Do. HODGINS: Okay, here goes the gold. Now evaporated zinc will only condense onto metal. Since the gold has bonded with the fingerprints, there's more metal on the print than the rest of the sample. Voila. ANGELA: It worked. CAM: Thank goodness. Oh. ANGELA: That is not the maintenance guy from the park's hand print. HODGINS: How do you know? CAM: It's too small. It's a child. ANGELA: Or a woman. [SCENE 5] [Act 6] ( Cut: INT: FBI Hoover Building - Conference Room) BRENNAN: What if the other one doesn't drink anything? BOOTH: Ah, we turned the air conditioning up in the room to suck all the moisture out of it. So which one do you think it is? BRENNAN: I have no idea. BOOTH: Ah, think of it as a game. All right. Take a guess, just between the two of us. No one's gonna hear you. Go ahead. Guess, guess, guess, guess. BRENNAN: Well, the ballet teacher seems very mean and vindictive. Plus she's deceptively strong. And she's not afraid to be violent. BOOTH: Sorry, wrong. BRENNAN: How do you know? BOOTH: Well, I went through all the police reports of the pickpocket incidents that happened out at Kalorama Park. BRENNAN: What did that tell you? BOOTH: That not one incident out of dozens ever occurs while Beverly Houle or Robert Pearson were performing. BRENNAN: So they were the team that Sweets heard about from the Shakespeare statue. BOOTH: He cheated her. BRENNAN: She chased him with the garbage picker. Stuck him in the back. End of story. BOOTH: Yeah. But when a woman kills a man it's never just about the money. BRENNAN: You're implying there was some kind of sexual tension involved. BOOTH: When that goes south all bets are off. BRENNAN: There's no honor amongst thieves or ex-lovers. BOOTH: (Watches as second suspect takes a drink.) That's it. Show time. (Booth shows the picture of the print to the two suspects) busted. BRENNAN: Her body language doesn't prove anything. BOOTH: Well, we have different definitions of that, for sure. That's why nobody can thwart our criminological brilliance. BRENNAN: Did you read that off a restaurant placemat? BOOTH: Comic book. I'm on a self improvement kick, all right? [SCENE 6] [Act 6] (Cut: EXT: Night sh*t - D.C. Cityscape) (Cut: INT: Hannah's Hospital Room - Day) HANNAH: Temperance. Come on in. BRENNAN: How do you feel? HANNAH: I'm alive, thanks to you. Hey, where's my gift? BRENNAN: Excuse me? HANNAH: Listen, I get it. You saved my life. And I'm very grateful. But traditionally when you visit someone in the hospital, you bear gifts. BRENNAN: Well, that custom began as a replacement for religious sacrifice. HANNAH: As a way to get the gods to take mercy on the sick person. BRENNAN: Yes. But I don't believe in that. HANNAH: But you do believe in cultural traditions. BRENNAN: Of course, but... HANNAH: So? Since I'm not above a little supplication every once in a while, maybe you should give me your sunglasses. BRENNAN: Uh, seriously? HANNAH: Sure. BRENNAN: Okay. There you go. HANNAH: Thank you. BRENNAN: Perhaps you should be more careful in what stories you pursue in the future. HANNAH: Why? BRENNAN: Booth would be very unhappy if you died. HANNAH: Would you back down, Temperance, if you thought you were working on something important? BRENNAN: No. No I wouldn't. HANNAH: Well. Aren't we a pair? I guess Seeley's going to have to resign himself to being worried as long as we're both around. BRENNAN: We are. We are quite a pair. They look good on you. (The two continue chatting while the scenes fades to black.) END.

{"type": "series", "show": "Bones", "episode": "06x05 - The Bones that Weren't"}

foreverdreaming

THE SHALLOW IN THE DEEP (Open: Booth's apartment. There is a rapid knocking at the door. Booth is asleep in bed) BOOTH: Yeah. Aww (he groans as he awakes and stumbles out of bed). (knocking continues) BRENNAN: Booth? BOOTH: Yeah. Unhh. (He cracks his toes, then gets out of bed, pulling on his robe, still making groaning noises. He cracks his back as he heads into the bathroom. Still sighing and pulling on his robe, he looks at himself, bleary-eyed, in the mirror. He continues walking, cracking his neck, and his back again, then his fingers). Oof. (more knocking) BRENNAN: Booth? Are you there? (Booth is still walking towards his front door) BOOTH: No, I'm in South Beach, working on my tan (he opens the door, still grunting and groaning. Brennan is standing there, enthusiastic and eager to get going). BRENNAN: You need Sweets to sign your post-Afghanistan fitness for duty report. Did you forget? BOOTH: Me? (He turns to go back into the apartment) BRENNAN: Well, generally, you wear more clothing, and you've been avoiding this for weeks (she shuts the front door). BOOTH: Well, I couldn't sleep. Hannah got up at the crack of dawn (he continues walking, cracking more joints as he goes). Ooh. BRENNAN: Do you always have this pronounced a release of gas in the morning? BOOTH: (turns to face Brennan) Is it that bad? BRENNAN: Synovial gas, that's what the cracking is. BOOTH: Synovial gas, what's that mean? BRENNAN: well, there comes a point when your body can't hide all the abuse it's taken. BOOTH: What do you, what do you mean a certain point? BRENNAN: Booth, you've been sh*t, and beaten, and jumped out of airplanes. The skeletal damage alone... BOOTH (groans and turns): Oh God, I'm falling apart. BRENNAN: You're fine. It's your skeleton that's falling apart. (Cut to: FBI building, Booth and Brennan are rounding a corner). BRENNAN: The compression fracture to your T3 alone should have incapacitated you years ago, then there's the fracture to your sternum from when that obese girl sh*t you, fractures from your metatarsals from when you were tortured, rib pitting from when you foolishly tried to act as a human shield... BOOTH: Rib pitting? BRENNAN: And that's before we even get to your compromised ligaments, both intertransverse and anterior longitudinal. BOOTH: How do you have room in your brain to remember all this? BRENNAN: I care about you, Booth, and the more abuse a body takes, the sooner it degenerates. BOOTH: That's it? That's all you've got for me? (they enter the elevator) BRENNAN: Well, it can be a good thing. In tribes, men like you are elders. They don't have to hunt anymore. BOOTH: Well, I want to go hunting. BRENNAN: (reaching forward to press the button) Well, perhaps you'll feel better after you get your form signed. (Cut to: Sweets' office, sounds of giggling are heard. Booth and Brennan have stunned looks on their faces as they behold two pairs of feet hanging off the edge of the couch) DAISY: Oh I will! (giggling) BRENNAN: Oh! SWEETS: Agent Booth! DAISY: (pops up over the back of the couch, arms clutched to her chest for modesty's sake) Dr. Brennan! BRENNAN: You should be at work, Ms. Wick! It is a very important day. BOOTH: (hands form to Sweets) Can you sign this? SWEETS: Are you serious? BOOTH: Sign. (He hands Sweets a pen and the form) Just sign and get back to your fun. (Sweets signs the paper) (Cut to: Jeffersonian Medico-Legal Lab. Brennan is walking, and Daisy is tagging behind her, trying to catch up) DAISY: Dr. Brennan, about this morning. BRENNAN: What about it? DAISY: I don't want you to think that Lance and I are dating again, because we're not. That was purely accidental intercourse. BRENNAN: You had intercourse accidentally? What were you trying to do, Ms. Wick? DAISY: I was returning a book. BRENNAN: And your pants fell off? (Workers are bringing in large artifacts on rolling tables, Cam and Angela are supervising) CAM: All of the pieces of ship without remains attached, straight to the early American workroom. Door on your right. WORKER: Where do you want this? CAM: Take it up on the platform. WORKER: Got it. (Brennan and Daisy approach and come to a stop beside Cam) CAM: Okay. (turns to Brennan) How much of this is there? BRENNAN: I have no idea. CAM: So, when you said old remains, the ship part of it just slipped your mind? BRENNAN: No, of course not. ANGELA: This is incredible. I can't believe this is an actual sl*ve ship. Where did they find it? BRENNAN: Off the coast of Maryland. This could shed enormous light on the sl*ve trade. CAM: Or give me nightmares. One or the other. (Hodgins enters with more parts of the ship) HODGINS: Mytilus edulis, blue mussels. Wow. Hey, they said this was for you (he hands Angela a sheaf of papers). BRENNAN: The Jeffersonian Board of Directors wants us to try and identify the remains. CAM: How? These people have been d*ad for nearly 150 years. ANGELA: Yeah, well this might help. It's a copy of the outgoing manifest, and it lists all the slaves they were transporting to New Orleans. There's age, and race, and degree of color. This is really detailed, in a totally horrible, disgusting, sucky kind of way. HODGINS: Slaves were considered property. They were as carefully catalogued as livestock or silverware. (Brennan grimaces and shakes her head slightly, Cam looks uneasy and tilts her head down, avoiding eye contact. Angela looks disturbed, glances at Cam and Brennan, then makes eye contact with Hodgins, who turns his gaze to the remains). (Cut to: Platform, Brennan is leaning over a set of remains, Angela is standing next to her, taking notes) BRENNAN: Male child, under ten years old. One hundred and thirty centimeters. The marine mussels compromised the bone, but the skull shows a mix of Negroid and Caucasoid characteristics, suggesting that he would be listed as mulatto. ANGELA: Got it, Pollodore Nelson. DAISY: Symphyseal rim well defined, partial ectocranial suture closure, female, forties, five feet tall. ANGELA: Ok, there's only one woman that small. (Cam is looking down at something) CAM: Over here, now. Uh, not kidding, even a little bit. Dr. Hodgins. (Daisy, Brennan and Anglea make their way over to Cam's table) HODGINS (rushes over to where Cam is): Yeah. Yeah. CAM: That. What the hell is it? HODGINS (bending down for a closer look): Wow, it's some kind of organism anchored to the bone. Interesting. CAM: Alien sea-life hitchhikes in on a sl*ve ship and that's all you can say? Interesting? BRENNAN: Well, I think in this context, interesting is a way of acknowledging life forms beyond Dr. Hodgins' expertise. HODGINS: Temporary condition, I assure you. All right, listen up! Pull any other bones with pink slime and bring them over here. It's possible that alien is an appropriate adjective. We may be looking at NTI here. (Another squint brings over more remains and hands them to Daisy, who places them on the table) CAM: What's he talking about? BRENNAN: I have no idea. HODGINS: NTI? As in, non-terrestrial intelligence? ANGELA: Oh no. HODGINS: If alien life forms were going to exist somewhere on Earth, the ocean floor would be it. CAM: Please tell me you're kidding. BRENNAN: Judging by weight and texture, all the affected bones appear to belong to the same skeleton. (Brennan picks up the skull and observes it as the others look on). Something is very wrong. (Cut to: FBI building meeting room) BOOTH: C'mon Bones, I really gotta look at these images? BRENNAN: Yes. (She pulls up images of the x-rays) Penetrating trauma to the cribriform plate and palatine bones. BOOTH: Ok, you mean that jaggedy looking hole there? BRENNAN: Yes. The puncture would have extended upwards, into the anterior base of the brain, resulting in immediate death. This man was hooked through the mouth like a fish. (She demonstrates on Booth, by hooking her finger up against the roof of his mouth. He does not appreciate this and grabs her hand, removing it and making a face of displeasure). BOOTH: Ok, got it, thank you. Very much. I just don't know how I can help you with a m*rder sl*ve though. BRENNAN: They may have found him in a sl*ve ship, but given the condition of his cartilage, this man died less than a month ago. And, this is m*rder. (Opening credits) (Cut to: Platform at the Medico-Legal Lab. Daisy is working on a skeleton, Brennan joins her) BRENNAN: Abrasions to the pisiform. It's likely this person was wearing manacles. Why are you working on remains from the sl*ve ship when you know our recent m*rder victim has priority? DAISY: Because Dr. Hodgins is still trying to remove the unidentified deep sea life forms. Maybe we should discuss the m*rder victim's x-rays instead? (They go over to a computer, where Daisy pulls up the images) BRENNAN: Incomplete epiphyseal fusion - he was at most twenty years old. DAISY: Chipping on the zygomatic arch. Hairline fractures to the mental foramen. All heavily remodeled. Metaphyseal fractures to the left tibia and right ulna. Never properly set. BRENNAN: I've seen these before. They happen when someone has their extremities wrenched over and over again at a very young age. DAISY: Suggestive of child abuse? BRENNAN (nods slightly): We have to identify him. What is taking Dr. Hodgins so long? (Cut to Hodgins' lab area. He is peering through a magnifying lens, Angela is standing next to him.) HODGINS: We are looking at what could be a clue to the origin of life itself. ANGELA: The origin of life looks like a pink Chia pet? HODGINS: According to one theory, billions of years ago, organic molecules hitchhiked to Earth on comets that plummeted into our oceans, forming the seeds of life as we know it. ANGELA: Ok, now you've lost me. HODGINS: Look at this. Organism operates like hair follicles. Anchors its root system to the bone. ANGELA: You know, it's actually kind of attractive up close. HODGINS: Yeah, for a mucus-excreting underwater insect. ANGELA: (laughs) Well, let me scan the skull and then I can build a facial reconstruction from it. HODGINS (placing the skull on the dais for Angela to scan): Do you realize these guys could be harder to identify than a decomposed m*rder victim? ANGELA: How can you compare a m*rder victim to ocean snot that looks like something Barbie wore to the prom? HODGINS: You compared it to a Chia pet. ANGELA: Yeah well, it's not the same thing. HODGINS: You're right. Because if these guys are new, and I get to identify them, then I get to name an entire species. Angelonicus montenegris. ANGELA: Really? HODGINS: Really. (Hodgins rises, Angela chuckles, and they embrace). (Cut to: Booth's office. Sweets and Booth are having a conversation. Sweets is pacing Booth's office, Booth is sitting at his desk). SWEETS: So the d*ad guy got caught in a fishing net and the fishing net got caught in the sl*ve ship? BOOTH: Yeah, the net gets lost, floats around for years - they call it a ghost net. SWEETS: Wow. Ghost net caught a ghost. That's... BOOTH: Something like that. SWEETS: That's ironic. BOOTH: 'Kay, why are you still here? SWEETS: I'm weak. I'm weak, Agent Booth. I broke up with Daisy, but I can't keep my hands off her. BOOTH: What's new? Alright, you're a guy. Life goes on. SWEETS: Yeah, that's the problem. We broke up. But it just goes on. It's, it's like she's a magnet. Should I just let it happen? (Booth reaches for something and plonks it down in front of Sweets - it is a magic 8-ball) BOOTH: Here. Pick it up. SWEETS: (picks up the magic 8-ball, shakes - the ball comes up reading "yes definitely") Yes, definitely. You think? BOOTH: I don't know, how am I supposed to know? SWEETS: Years of experience? The perspective of age? BOOTH: (groans, puts his head on his arms on his desk) Age. How is it that I went to sleep Han Solo and I woke up Obi-Wan Kenobi? SWEETS: I have no idea what you're talking about. (Booth's computer beeps) BOOTH: Oh. Looks like Angela finished the victim's facial reconstruction. (He opens the attachment) Oh! There is our ghost. (Cut to: Booth's SUV. Booth and Brennan are driving to interview a suspect. Brennan is looking through some papers) BOOTH: He wasn't on the missing person's database, but I got a h*t from the FBI's facial reconstruction software. BRENNAN: Mike Casper. BOOTH: Yeah, his wife lives in uh, Calvert County. BRENNAN: He's married? BOOTH: Yeah, he's got a kid, and a dog, and a cushy aerospace job. BRENNAN: No, that's not possible. He's nineteen, twenty, twenty-one at most. BOOTH: Alright Bones, he's twenty-eight. BRENNAN: No, there's no way. Booth, you really need to double-check these things. BOOTH: Ok, look, the battle scars are to the body, not to the brain, ok? BRENNAN: You're being very touchy. BOOTH: I'm not being touchy. This is Casper's driver's license, it's the same face Angela drew, right there (he points emphatically to the paper Brennan is holding, which is of Mike Casper's DMV registration information). BRENNAN: Okay. It's possible he had cerebral palsy. That could ret*rd bone development. BOOTH: Or, you're just wrong. (Cut to: Front door of an apartment. Booth and Brennan are still arguing) BRENNAN: I'm not wrong. (Booth rings the doorbell) BOOTH: You're wrong. BRENNAN: Not wrong. (Door opens) MRS. CASPER: Yes? BOOTH: Mrs. Casper? MRS. CASPER: Yes? BOOTH: (he pulls out his badge) Special Agent Booth, this here's my partner, Dr. Brennan. MRS. CASPER: How can I help you? BOOTH: Mind if we come in? MRS. CASPER: Um, I'm actually in the middle of something right now (she flips her hair). BOOTH: It's about your husband. BRENNAN: We believe we've found his remains off the coast of Maryland. BOOTH: Any reason to believe that he might have been on a boat recently? MRS. CASPER: Ask him yourself. (she turns to call her husband) Mike? (Mike comes to the front door) MIKE CASPER: Yeah? (Cut to: FBI interview room, Booth and Sweets are interviewing Mr. and Mrs. Casper. Booth lays down the DMV sheet in front of them.) BOOTH: Victim got a driver's license with your name and his picture, used it to charge up a fortune in credit card debt. MIKE CASPER: Yeah, I get it. The guy who got k*lled is the same guy who stole my ID, but it's got nothing to do with me. Not exactly a violent guy. MRS. CASPER: Mike's very easy-going. (She flips her hair again in a nervous gesture) SWEETS: This is a conversation between you and your credit card company, Mr. Casper. You know how you say they record calls for quality control? Well, turns out it's true. (He presses a button on the laptop to begin playing the recording) CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: I'm sorry sir, but because you failed to notify us within the time... MIKE CASPER: How could I tell you when I didn't know? CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: You should have contacted the credit reporting agencies. In the future, if you place a fraud alert on your credit... MIKE CASPER: You wanna know what I'm going to do in the future? I'm gonna find the scum who stole my ID and I'm gonna k*ll him. (end recording) MIKE CASPER: What did you expect me to say? They froze my cards, our credit was ruined. That piece of dirt cost us the house we were trying to buy. MRS. CASPER: If we need to have a lawyer... MIKE CASPER: No, we don't need a lawyer, Claire, we haven't done anything. MRS. CASPER: My husband's telling the truth, he's not a violent man. BOOTH: Eh, Sweets, tell 'em what you told me. SWEETS: According to the latest clinical data, identity theft can cause serious maladaptive psychological and somatic symptoms. MIKE CASPER: Yeah, no kidding, I haven't slept in two months. SWEETS: Those symptoms aren't limited to insomnia. MIKE CASPER: (agitated, banging on the table) The hell is that supposed to mean? SWEETS: Okay, that would be one of the maladaptive psychological symptoms. Uncontrolled rage. MIKE CASPER: How could I k*ll him when I didn't even know who he was? BOOTH: I noticed that you have a boat hitch on the back of your car - you got a boat? MIKE CASPER: Yeah, I fish, so what? BOOTH: You have any big hooks on that boat? MIKE CASPER: Why? BOOTH: Well, body was found about a mile off the coast - I'm thinking maybe you're doing more than just fishing on that boat? MIKE CASPER: All right, I want that lawyer. Now. (Cut to: Jeffersonian - Hodgins' lab. Daisy is standing watch over the victim's remains) DAISY: Dr. Brennan really needs these. I don't understand why you can't just pluck. (Hodgins appears from behind the shelves with a large device in hand) HODGINS: If I pluck them off one by one, it's going to take a week, Ms. Wick, so what you need to do is stop telling me how to do my job. (Hodgins bends over the remains with the device, which turns out to be a light) DAISY: I don't see how this is going to hurry things up. HODGINS: If I figure out what they are, I can figure out how to get them off. Any more questions? (He bends down, peering at the bones) DAISY: Not at this moment. HODGINS: Aha! Yes! It's a type of benthic worm! See? Progress! (Cam enters) CAM: Okay, the only way I can get DNA to ID our ID thief, is by using bone marrow, but your alien organism has sucked it dry. HODGINS: Ok, contrary to popular rumor, it is not my alien organism. Not yet, anyway. But, I have narrowed it down to a type of benthic worm. CAM: How can you not be able to ID a fluffy pink worm? How many of those could there possibly be? HODGINS: Oh, you'd be surprised. (Cut to: Royal Diner, Booth and Brennan are eating and discussing the case) BOOTH: How'm I supposed to figure out who k*lled him when I can't even figure out who he is. BRENNAN: All I can tell from the x-rays is he had multiple fractures that were never properly set. He also sustained repeated facial trauma between the ages of two and fourteen. BOOTH: So, child abuse? (Brennan nods in affirmation) BOOTH: He wasn't on a missing person's database, so means no-one was missing. BRENNAN: You have a very strange tendency to state the obvious. BOOTH: If you were a kid who got the crap b*at out of him over and over again, what would you do? BRENNAN: You'd think about running away, or you do run away. But he wasn't a kid anymore, Booth, he was nineteen or twenty when he died. BOOTH: Doesn't mean he didn't run away before. And when a kid runs away, someone reports him missing. A school, a neighbor, someone. BRENNAN: We were looking at the wrong database. (Cut to: Angela's office, Brennan and Angela are talking. The image of the victim is blown up on the computer screen) BRENNAN: We need to reverse the cranio-facial growth patterns and run the results against the missing children's database. ANGELA: Send him back to childhood, huh? BRENNAN: Retain the cranial proportion, but reduce the jaw, narrow the neck, and raise the ears. Change the proportion of the head to one part facial mass to two and a quarter parts cranial mass. Decrease the size of the upper and lower jaw. Done. (Angela adjusts the proportions per Brennan's suggestions) ANGELA: It's hard to believe that ten years from this, he's going to be stealing IDs and getting himself k*lled. (she runs the image through the database and a match pops up) Ok, that's him. We found him. (Cut to: Booth's office. A TV clip is playing on the computer, and Booth and Sweets are watching) TV ANNOUNCER: Nine year old Liam is tonight's Thursday's Child. LIAM: I like all kinds of sports, but mostly basketball, even though I'm kinda short. But maybe I'll grow, right? And I'm really good at math, 'cause I like numbers. TV ANNOUNCER: If Liam can find a family, all those numbers are sure to add up to one very bright future. BOOTH: 'Kay, that sounds a little like puppy adoptions if you ask me. SWEETS: Well, when I was in the foster system, we used to think that the kids who got on Thursday's Child won the lottery, you know? One day, they're on TV, next day, big car pulls up to take them to the suburbs. Every single time. BOOTH: Yeah, well, Liam didn't get adopted, would've saved the juvie system a whole helluva lot of time if he had. Court unsealed his records because of the m*rder (Booth picks up and drops back down on his desk a thick set of manila files); he was busted two years ago for b&e with another foster kid by the name of Hunter Lang (he opens the file to Lang's charge sheet), we're trying to track him down now. SWEETS: Oh? Why? BOOTH: Well, Liam testified against Hunter in exchange for a suspended sentence. SWEETS: Oooh. That's not good. Rule number one, foster kids stick together. BOOTH: Huh. Well, is that the kind of thing a guy would k*ll for? SWEETS: Depends on the guy. I know these kids, I'll talk to 'em, let you know. (Cut to: Platform of the Medico-Legal Lab - Angela is recording information, Daisy is speaking as she approaches Angela from behind) DAISY: Has anyone else noticed this is like a giant jigsaw without the edge pieces? ANGELA: One person gets k*lled, and it's m*rder, millions get k*lled and it's history. DAISY: I'm trying to just think of them as bones. It's easier. Female, approximately 25. ANGELA: Right here, Hany Beaufort. (she pauses in thought) Yeah, but they're not just bones. DAISY: What does that mean? ANGELA: I'm going to need to borrow these skulls. (Cam enters the platform area) CAM: Why does no-one seem to be working on our m*rder victim, Ms. Wick? DAISY: Still waiting on Dr. Hodgins. (Cam sees the name tag on the skeleton and looks at the skeleton with a stunned look on her face.) ANGELA: Are you ok? CAM: I..it's nothing. Hany...was my great-grandmother's name. If you two can't stay focused on the Moloney case, we're going to have issues. ANGELA: Well, we're trying, but Hodgins is... (Hodgins enters the platform area, yelling out triumphantly and carrying a box) HODGINS: I got it! Thank you, Aquatic Nuisance Species Taskforce. A fine collection of marine biologists dedicated to making sure that if the alien ever shows up, jam it in an airlock and kiss it goodbye. (to Angela) Lost out on the name and rights, babe, but I'm a big boy, I can handle it. CAM: So happy to hear that. HODGINS: Turns out our little feathered friend is the osedax mucofloris, otherwise known as the bone-eating snot flower. ANGELA (chuckles): You've gotta be kidding. HODGINS: Not kidding. Allow me to demonstrate. (he opens the box, which contains cannoli) Voila. CAM: Oh no. HODGINS: Now, the bone-eating snot flower burrows into the bone like so (he takes a straw and blows off the wrapper, which hits Daisy in the face. He then pushes it through the shell of the cannoli): it cracks through the hard shell straight down to the fatty marrow, and then (he sucks through the straw). Now, each female has maybe a dozen dwarf males inside of her. Basically, sperm holders. (he offers around the cannoli he was eating to Daisy, Cam and Angela, all of whom have disgusted expressions on their faces) Cannoli? No? Anyone? ANGELA: No, never again, I cannot even tell you. CAM: Can you please get to the point? HODGINS: I figured out how to remove 'em (he grins, then takes a bite out of the cannoli). (Cut to: Hoover Building, Sweets' office) (Door opens - Sweets is sitting in his chair, Daisy enters) DAISY: You have to back me up with Dr. Brennan. She hasn't said anything, but I know what she's thinking. It's an emergency. SWEETS: Whoa. What am I supposed to say? DAISY: You have to explain what happened this morning. SWEETS: Sex is a normal part of the adult experience; you don't need to apologize for it. DAISY: Do you know what happened when I was little? (She takes a seat on the couch) My dad and I saw these two deer going at it on the side of a hill, and I asked him what they were doing. And he said the nice deer in back was pushing his friend up the hill. SWEETS: Seriously? DAISY (looks at Sweets expectantly): And now, we're those deer, only no-one's explaining that you were just pushing me uphill. (Sweets says nothing, but looks perplexed) DAISY: I have issues. SWEETS: I had no idea. (He rises from his chair) DAISY: You're happy we broke up, aren't you? SWEETS: (Pacing his office) Look, Dr. Brennan is not a prude; I would suggest that she doesn't even care that we had sex, just that it was right in front of her. DAISY: That would be logical. SWEETS: Not that it would ever come up again anyways. An anomaly. (He takes a seat next to Daisy on the couch) DAISY: Totally. SWEETS: But maybe there's nothing wrong with that, if it did come up. I mean, just as long as it wasn't here. (Daisy nods) SWEETS: Seems reasonable. DAISY: Totally reasonable. (They look at each other a moment and then begin frantically making out on the couch) (Cut to: Marina. Booth, Brennan and Sweets are walking and talking) BOOTH: So the parole officer didn't have an address on Hunter Lang, but she said he works on a boat at the end of the dock called The Dandina. SWEETS: You know, it's possible he was drawn to the sea because the isolation mimics his childhood environment. BOOTH: Nah, you're overthinking this. BRENNAN: There's no such thing as overthinking. You may think incorrectly or inadequately or falsely, but the notion... BOOTH: Ok, got it. Got it. SWEETS: Ok, so since you guys both saw the "incident," I've decided to take Agent Booth's advice. Anyway, even though Daisy and I aren't dating, I've decided we can still enjoy each other's company, casually, once in a while. BRENNAN: I'm not sure why I should care. Are you planning on having sex somewhere that I will witness it? SWEETS: I hope not. BRENNAN: Then I definitely don't care. BOOTH: I'm with her. (The trio approaches a larger boat with a sign saying "Welcome aboard the Cougar Cruise) Yeah, well, so much for that isolation theory, Mr. Expert on Foster Care. BRENNAN: Well, I've heard about these events. They're designed to facilitate intercourse between older women and younger men. BOOTH: We got that, Bones. NADIA: Hurry up, ladies, cosmos are waiting! CAPTAIN: We're ready to cast off. NADIA: Oh, ok. Time to board! BOOTH: Excuse me, we're looking for Hunter Lang. CAPTAIN: Uh, he's one of our bartenders. (to the woman) They're looking for Lang. NADIA: Oh. Jealous husband? BOOTH: FBI! NADIA: Oh. Well, can this wait? We'll be back by ten. BOOTH: Yeah, how 'bout we come with you? NADIA: Only if he comes too (pointing to Sweets). BOOTH: That was the plan. (Booth walks off to get on the boat) NADIA: Done! SWEETS: I'm sorry, what just happened there? BRENNAN: If this were the Maluku's, I'd say it was some sort of virgin offering. SWEETS: Virgin? BRENNAN: Quasi-virgin offering. (Brennan walks off, Sweets follows) (The scene changes from late afternoon to nighttime. There is a sh*t of the ship all lit up, Latin music is playing) (Cut to: Ship's interior. The dance floor is filled with women dancing with younger men) BRENNAN: The male guests seem to be enjoying themselves. BOOTH: Oh, c'mon, are you kidding me? Look at this kid, he's barely out of diapers. BRENNAN: Wouldn't you like to be on a boat full of nubile young women? BOOTH: No. SWEETS: The socially acceptable age difference is half plus eight. (Booth looks skeptical) C'mon, everyone knows that. BRENNAN: They do not. If everyone knew that, Booth would know that. BOOTH: Ok, so you're ok with dating somebody who's twenty? SWEETS: Sure. If she were mature. BRENNAN: That means that it would be well within the social norm for me to date a man of 24. BOOTH (gesturing to Sweets): He's 24, would you date him? BRENNAN: Well, not literally. SWEETS: I'm definitely getting the "look" here. BOOTH: The look? BRENNAN: The precursor to sexual overtures. WOMAN (approaching Sweets): Let's see what you've got. (Another woman pinches Sweets' behind) SWEETS: Oh! BOOTH (chuckling at Sweets' obvious discomfort): All right, ladies, he's got a curfew, he's gotta be back by twelve. SWEETS: You're going to leave me? BOOTH: Yeah. (Booth and Brennan walk off, leaving Sweets to be manhandled by the group of women who have surrounded him) SWEETS: Okay. Hi... BRENNAN: The atmosphere here is very festive. (She reaches for a cocktail off the tray of a passing waiter) Thank you. (Booth attempts to grab one for himself, but the waiter moves away before he has a chance) BOOTH: Oh, uh, thanks, I'm fine, no need. I'm working. BRENNAN: Anthropologically speaking... BOOTH: Yeah? BRENNAN: Women were attracted to older men because they could take care of them. The world has changed; these women can take care of themselves. BOOTH: Yeah, right, well it's just wrong, that's all, it's just wrong. BRENNAN: Why? Because it's hard on men like you, who are past their prime? BOOTH: Whuh, I'm not past my prime. BRENNAN: Prime is eighteen. BOOTH: Okay, maybe just a little. (Brennan walks off, Booth notices someone behind the bar) Hey, Bones, that's Hunter Lang. (Brennan is now conversing with a young man) BRENNAN: The posterior surface of your forearm is absolutely magnificent. GUY: Thanks. I work out. BOOTH: You can work out somewhere else, she's not interested, okay? (To Brennan) C'mon. BRENNAN: Don't be so hasty. BOOTH (laughs incredulously): Are you kidding me? Hasty? GUY: Who's the old dude? BOOTH: I'm her partner. BRENNAN: He's my partner. BOOTH: She's too old for you and too young for you, all at the same time. BRENNAN: I think what he's trying to tell you is that I haven't yet reached my sexual prime. GUY: I have. Definitely. BOOTH: Definitely. (He grabs Brennan's drink from her) Give me this, right now, 'kay? C'mon. Sweets! (He heads over to where Sweets is) We're working, put the drink down. SWEETS: I'm trying! BOOTH: Here, have this. (He hands the drink to one of the women) Lock your lips around that, sweetheart. (To Sweets) C'mon, this way. WOMAN (in the background): Want me to tuck you in? (Cut to: Ship's bar. Sweets and Booth are talking to Lang) SWEETS: I know you had it rough, Hunter. I was a foster kid too. HUNTER (smirks): Sure you were. SWEETS: How many foster homes did you live in? HUNTER: Eleven? Twelve? Who keeps track? SWEETS: I did. Four places, by the time I was six. Not something you forget. HUNTER: Yeah? What was your score? SWEETS (explaining to Booth): Supervision score. One means doesn't need supervision, five means bring out the meds and lock 'em down. (to Hunter) Makes it easy on the check cashers, huh? (to Booth again) That's what we called foster parents. (back to Hunter) I was a two. HUNTER: I was a four. Real pain in the ass. BOOTH: Great. So what was the deal with you and Liam Moloney? HUNTER: Uh, no deal, no deal. And I'm not saying that because he's d*ad. BOOTH: He testified against you. HUNTER: I got over it. Are we done yet? BOOTH: No. SWEETS: Kids I was placed with, we leaned on each other. If one of those kids betrayed me, that would hurt. A lot. HUNTER: Look, what Liam did, I was like, whatever, you know? We talked about it when I got out of juvie, and it's all good, no big. BOOTH: So when was the last time you saw him? HUNTER: Labor Day. Yeah, he was uh, he was working the cougars. You see, most of the guys that come here, they come for the free booze, the easy sex, but not Liam. He was smarter than that. He used to get the extras from the old ladies, like, uh, money, gifts... BOOTH: Are you aware of an issue that happened between Liam and a guy named Mike Casper? HUNTER: No, I'm not. BOOTH: Okay, on Labor Day, did you two leave together? HUNTER: No, no, he must've bailed when I was cleaning up. Ask Nadia. She'd know. BOOTH: Why's that? HUNTER: Well, he was one of her favorites. Yeah, Liam'd always show up with a carful of cubs, Nadia would get her boy bit, and then Liam would have all the cougars he could handle. SWEETS: How many would that be? HUNTER: C'mon man. He's nineteen. Was nineteen. Look, can I get back to work here? BOOTH (to Sweets): Listen, I'm going to go find Bones, talk to Nadia, you get the rest of his information, all right? SWEETS: Yeah. (Booth walks off, a woman grabs him by the arm) WOMAN: Hello there. BOOTH (looks around, surprised): Me? WOMAN: Aren't you a scrumptious little tidbit. BOOTH: Oh, no no, okay? In case you haven't noticed, I don't really fit this demographic. WOMAN: Nuh uh, you've got it all wrong, sugar. Why would I want to be with them when I can be with you? (Booth gives a nervous smile and a slight laugh but says nothing) (Cut to: Jeffersonian, Ookey Room. Hodgins is bending over the t*nk, which is bubbling) HODGINS: I just needed to know what they were. Now, I know what'll eat 'em. Piranhas. (Daisy gives Hodgins a stunned look of surprise, he begins to pour the fish into the t*nk) DAISY: And they won't damage the bones? HODGINS: Nope! The bubbles agitate the water and encourage them to feed. DAISY: May I ask you a personal question, Dr. Hodgins? HODGINS: No. I have got a beautiful wife, a fulfilling job, and I just figured out how to remove snot flowers. I'm gonna go ahead and savor the moment here, Ms. Wick. DAISY: Wow! HODGINS (reaching into the t*nk): Oof! Ahh! (pulls out a bone) Ha ha! (he hands the bone to Daisy) Perfection! DAISY: That's curious. There are significant abrasions to the bone. Can I see that ulna? HODGINS: One ulna, coming right up. Ahh! (he hands the bone to Daisy) Whoo! DAISY: (She lays the bones down on a tray and bends down for a closer look) They look like kerf marks, but they don't go into the bone, they go along the bone, and the staining says they're definitely perimortem. HODGINS: (leaning in close to observe as well) Well, I'll swab 'em and see what we got. DAISY: The abrasions are everywhere, all along the anterior surface of the bones. HODGINS: You know, I know it's one of the few areas of my non-expertise, but does it look to you like somebody att*cked our d*ad guy with a grater? (Hodgins and Daisy look at each other, both equally baffled) (Cut to: Cruise ship) (Brennan is on her phone) BRENNAN: I understand, yes. Goodbye, Ms. Wick. (Booth approaches her) BOOTH: So what'd the lab say? BRENNAN: The victim was att*cked by a sharp, pierced object with multiple grooves, some kind of very large grater. BOOTH: Hmm. Before or after getting hooked like a fish? BRENNAN: I have no way of knowing that until I examine the bones. BOOTH: You know what, we gotta find the party planner around here. BRENNAN: She throws a very good party. I enjoyed my conversation. BOOTH: What, with the zygote? BRENNAN: He's charming. He likes long walks on the beach and he enjoys watching the sunset. BOOTH: That's a line, Bones, all right, they're lines. You're what they call prime real estate around here. BRENNAN: Well, I'm prime real estate anywhere. BOOTH: Never, never mind. Hey, Captain, have you seen Nadia Blake? CAPTAIN: Uh, probably below deck (he takes a sip of his "coffee") BOOTH: Whoo, that's some uh, fragrant coffee you got there. CAPTAIN: Heh. I brewed it myself, uh, gotta keep sharp. (Booth and Brennan walk off in search of Nadia Blake) (Cut to: Deck of the cruise ship) BOOTH: Hey, Bones, our guy was hooked through the mouth like a fish, right? BRENNAN: Uh huh. BOOTH (gesturing to an object): That fit the bill? (The object is a harpoon-like device) BRENNAN: The shape is consistent with the damage to the palatine bone and the cribriform plate. BOOTH: Right, whatever that means. But, could be our m*rder w*apon, right? Yeah. BRENNAN: We have to bring it back to the lab and test it for trace evidence. (Booth has g*n walking down the outdoor passageway towards something that has caught his attention) BOOTH: Hey, Bones, this be our grater? BRENNAN: It is if it corresponds to the abrasions on the bones. BOOTH: Which means Liam Moloney didn't make it off this boat alive. (He opens a door, they head in, going down stairs to below deck. They hear the sound of glass crashing) NADIA: (from inside) Don't! BOOTH: I got it. (He pulls his g*n and busts open the door) NADIA: Stop it! BOOTH: FREEZE! (Nadia is in the bed with one of the boys) NADIA: I mean it! (Looking up at Booth) Do you mind? BOOTH: Okay, come on, cover up, need to ask you a few questions about Liam Moloney. NADIA: (sighs) You mind if I get dressed first? BOOTH: You got sixty seconds. (Brennan notices insects on the floor and goes to investigate) BRENNAN: Look! BOOTH: Whaddya got, Bones? NADIA: What happened to my sixty seconds? BRENNAN: Maggots. Most likely blowfly maggots, indicating that at some recent point, there was rotting flesh here. BOOTH (to the boy toy): Okay, you, pony boy, let's go, out, c'mon. Here you go. BRENNAN: You need a key to open this lock. BOOTH: Bones, excuse me. BRENNAN: What? (Booth kicks open the closet door) NADIA (gasps): You people are crazy! BOOTH (opening the closet): Look at that. BRENNAN: (turns on her flashlight and peers at the maggots) You said Liam was last seen on this boat? BOOTH: I'm thinking that uh, he was k*lled and stashed in here until they got out far enough to dump the body, what do you think? BRENNAN: I think you're right. (Booth gives Nadia a look, she looks displeased and continues getting dressed) (Cut to: Interrogation room, FBI. Booth is there with Sweets and Nadia) BOOTH: Last time Liam was seen alive was on one of your cruises, 'bout a month ago? NADIA: Okay, I don't keep track of the boys who go on my cruises, my God, that'd be a full-time job. SWEETS: As opposed to arranging hookups. NADIA: For a cop, he certainly knows how to take the romance out of things. BOOTH: We're not talking about him, we're talking about you. So, middle-aged women pay you to hookup with younger guys? NADIA: No, they don't. They pay to go on my cruises. What they do when they get off is up to them. BOOTH: Right, well one of your guests ended up fish food at the bottom of the sea. I'm not seeing the romance in that. SWEETS: And he usually does, which means there really isn't any. NADIA: Hey, I liked Liam! He was very good for business. BOOTH: Yeah, you took advantage of a kid who didn't have a mother. You basically fed him older women. NADIA: He needed mature companionship, and my ladies needed a fresh face. SWEETS: And youthful physique. NADIA: Exactly. BOOTH: Y'know, there are plenty of guys in their thirties and forties who have youthful physiques. SWEETS: Yeah. Yeah. BOOTH: Yeah. SWEETS (more to Booth than to Nadia): It's different. Not in a bad way, but... NADIA: Yeah in a bad way. BOOTH: You're not helping your case. NADIA: Something happened to Liam that night, I have no idea what it is. BOOTH: Guy was stuffed in a fish locker. In a cabin that you seem to spend a lot of your "quality" time in. NADIA: Okay, how could I put him in a locker I don't even have the key to? BOOTH: Who has the key? NADIA: Well, Captain Kelly. Maybe it's him you should be talking to. (Cut to: Jeffersonian, Hodgins' Lab) (Cam enters the lab, seeking Hodgins) CAM: Do you have the results back on the maggots from the cougar cruise? HODGINS (peering intently at the computer screen): Maggots are next on my list. CAM (sighs in exasperated fashion): Ms. Wick has already confirmed the m*rder w*apon, everyone else is working on the sl*ve ship, which makes you the clog in my drain, Dr. Hodgins. HODGINS: Still trying to figure out the trace from those bone scrapes - it's very strange and sticky. Three primary proteins, including a trypsin-like serine protease. CAM: This is my 'what the hell are you talking about' look. HODGINS: It's a waterproof marine epoxy. (Cam points to her face again) HODGINS: Glue. CAM: Why would the victim have glue on his bones? HODGINS: (taking a seat) Yeah, that's exactly what's got me stumped. CAM: Ponder it while you put the maggots in the blender. Hopefully you can pull enough DNA to prove that Liam Moloney was in that locker. (She turns and leaves) HODGINS: After he was d*ad, but before he got tossed overboard. I'm on it. (Cut to: Interrogation Room, FBI - Booth and Brennan are interrogating Captain Kelly) BRENNAN: (Sliding across the DMV record for Liam Moloney) Your boat hook k*lled him, his name is Liam Moloney. CAPTAIN: I seen him before, but I barely know the guy. Why would I k*ll him? (Electronic beeping noises are heard in the background, Brennan looks down at her phone) BOOTH: You tell me, I mean, you got a wife, captain, she hook up with Moloney? CAPTAIN: Oh please, I'd have paid him. (Brennan is checking her phone, and has messages from Hodgins and Daisy) BOOTH (to Brennan): Would you knock it off with that? BRENNAN: They're from Ms. Wick and Hodgins, and it appears to be urgent. BOOTH: All right, just get on with it, all right, be quick. (Brennan resumes checking her messages) CAPTAIN: She doesn't really listen to you, does she? BOOTH: That's really none of your business. (Captain chuckles) (Booth turns to face Brennan, sitting down on the table) BRENNAN: Dr. Hodgins blended the maggots. They don't have remnants of human DNA, they have monocalcium paracaseinate. BOOTH: Which means? Explain! BRENNAN: Cheese. BOOTH: What?! BRENNAN: The maggots ate cheese, not Moloney. (Captain bursts out laughing) BOOTH: (rising and turning to the Captain) Okay, you, that's not funny. CAPTAIN: Yeah, it is. Look, I don't just do the horny broad cruises, I do gourmet parties once a month. BOOTH: Your point is? CAPTAIN: Last week's dinner, there was a bunch of this, uh, y'know, uh, illegal Italian cheese. I took one. BRENNAN (chuckles): Ohh, I see. BOOTH: No, I don't. What does Italian cheese have to do with maggots? BRENNAN: There's a traditional Sardinian sheep-milk cheese called Casu Marzu , it is riddled with live insect larvae. CAPTAIN: Look, I told you, I, I had nothing to do with this. BOOTH: All right, all right, do you remember seeing this guy on the Labor Day cougar cruise? CAPTAIN (sighs): I mighta seen him out on deck with a woman. Nobody goes out on deck on account of the bar's inside. BRENNAN: Can you describe her? CAPTAIN: Well, I was um, little under the weather. BOOTH (scoffs): Drunk. CAPTAIN: A...possibility. BRENNAN: Then how are we going to get a description? (Cut to: Jeffersonian, Angela's office) (Angela is sitting on the ground, sketching the faces that belong to the skulls of the remains found on the sl*ve ship. She is deeply focused on her task. After a time, Hodgins comes to her office and stands in the doorway, watching her) HODGINS: Somebody forget about lunch? ANGELA: Oh, I'm..I...how long have I been sitting here? HODGINS: Hours. I had a Caesar salad, with a side of Ms. Wick. We talked about Sardinian cheese at length. (He comes to sit down next to Angela on a chair) ANGELA (laughs): I'm so sorry, babe. I totally lost track. HODGINS: No, these are amazing, Angie. You're doing a sketch for every set of remains? ANGELA: Kind of feel like I have to. HODGINS: You also have to eat. I mean, you're growing a baby, remember? ANGELA: Well yeah, but he was somebody's baby too (gesturing to the sketch she is working on, of a young boy), and I want our baby to know that. (She looks up to see Hodgins smiling at her) Oh, wow, I sound like a crazy woman, don't I? HODGINS: Actually, you're sounding like a mom. ANGELA: Oh, crap, already? HODGINS: Yup. ANGELA: Then I should take that sandwich. HODGINS: 'kay. Keep working, I'm on it. You want a peanut butter and egg salad? ANGELA: Yes, I know, pregnancy is so weird. I love you. HODGINS: Love you too. (They kiss) Even the charcoal-y bits. (Cut to: Booth's office. Brennan, Sweets, Booth and the Captain are all there, Sweets is pouring a glass of scotch) SWEETS: Three separate studies suggest this is a very effective method. It's called state-dependent learning. (Captain takes a drink) If we want him to remember when he was drunk, we just have to get him drunk. BOOTH: Right. Is this really going to work? BRENNAN: Memories are anchored in internal contexts. SWEETS: Yeah, for example, if I had a drink, I would instantly remember Daisy, and how champagne just makes her eyes sparkle. BOOTH: Sweets? Is he drunk enough already? (Captain attempts to put his arm on the armrest of the chair but misses) SWEETS: I'd say yes. BOOTH: Okay, let's just focus here, all right? Labor Day cruise, Liam Moloney's on the deck with a woman, can you describe her? CAPTAIN: Hmmm. SWEETS: He's confused. For example, if I were to describe Daisy, I'd say she was 5'5", beautiful brown hair... BOOTH: Oh, for God's sake, Sweets! SWEETS: What? CAPTAIN: I remember! Her hair was red, and she kept uh, flicking it. BRENNAN: Booth! That sounds just like... BOOTH: Claire Casper. BRENNAN: The wife of the man whose identity Liam stole. BOOTH (to Sweets): Get his keys. SWEETS: Why? BOOTH: We gotta go solve a m*rder. Just give him two aspirin and put him in a cab, all right? (Booth and Brennan exit, Sweets removes the glass from the Captain's hand) CAPTAIN: Wai, wai, wai, wai, wait! (Cut to: FBI interrogation room, Booth is with Claire Casper) BOOTH: We got witnesses, and they all put you on the Labor Day cougar cruise. CLAIRE: Big whoop. I go on a lot of party cruises, they're a fun night out. BOOTH: Fun night out with Liam Moloney? CLAIRE: All right, you really want me to say this. Liam and I hooked up a few months ago. He used to come by the house when Mike was at work. BOOTH: Ahh, okay, so when Mike's ID got stolen, you realized it was Liam. Could've been real easy for him, all he had to do was grab some mail. That must've really pissed you off. CLAIRE: You think I care? Boy went like a hot little pipe. BOOTH: Oh, you definitely cared, because your whole little world was about to come crumbling down. You went on that cruise looking for him, didn't you. What'd he say? thr*at to tell your husband about the affair? CLAIRE: (leaning in close to Booth) I didn't k*ll Liam. And there's nothing you can do to prove different. (Cut to: Jeffersonian, Cam's desk. She is looking through the manifest from the sl*ve ship. She closes the book and takes a deep breath. Angela enters) ANGELA: Hey! We're uh, almost wrapped up. CAM: Yeah, Booth called, he thinks Claire Casper did it, but there's no evidence to tie her to the crime. ANGELA: No, I was actually, I was talking about the Amalia Rose. The remains have been identified and they're moving them into the exhibit. The press conference is tomorrow. CAM: Great. ANGELA: Not that this is any of my business, but um, I sort of thought that you'd be more interested. CAM (gives a small laugh): Interested, is that what I'm supposed to be? ANGELA: I just thought... CAM: That because I'm black, I should be all over this. (Angela looks uncertain how to reply) CAM: I already know what happened. My family were property, along with about fifteen million other Africans, they were traded like cattle, and they died like cattle, and I am trying really hard not to let those bones out there get to me. ANGELA: I'm sorry, Cam, I should've been more sensitive. CAM: It's fine, it's all good. (Hodgins enters) HODGINS: Hey, so, new developments...am I interrupting? CAM: No, uh, what's going on? HODGINS: I ran a couple more tests, and the sticky stuff on the bone abrasions wasn't marine epoxy, it's barnacle secretion. (Cam looks puzzled) HODGINS: I think I know what happened. (Cut to: Platform of the Medico-Legal Lab. Hodgins is leading, followed by Daisy, Angela and Cam) HODGINS: Now, imagine this platform is the party boat, and I am Liam Moloney. DAISY: And I'm Claire Casper, sexually predatory suburban housewife. HODGINS: Right, okay, so, Moloney and Claire, they struggle. (Hodgins and Daisy pretend to att*ck each other) HODGINS: Now, Moloney, he's strong. DAISY: We know that from the bone attachments. HODGINS: But Claire, she's got rage on her side. DAISY: And I shove him overboard (Hodgins goes flying over the railing). ANGELA: Hey! (She and Cam rush over to see if Hodgins is okay) (Hodgins beams up at them from a mattress and cushions on the floor) HODGINS: Don't worry, we thought this through! Moloney, he tries to climb back on board (Hodgins gets up and attempts to start climbing the railing of the platform), scraping himself on the barnacles, but Claire, she grabs the boat hook (Daisy grabs an improvised boat hook made from a broom). CAM: And s*ab him straight through the mouth. HODGINS (holding on to the pretend boat hook): Uh huh. DAISY: The hook tore through his palate, into the frontal lobe, fracturing his front teeth as it was removed (she releases the "hook" and Hodgins falls back onto the mattress). (Hodgins and Daisy look at Cam and Angela; Daisy sighs a little from the exertion, Angela looks at Cam, who looks troubled) ANGELA: What's wrong? CAM: If the abrasions to Liam Moloney's skeleton were caused by the barnacles on the boat, there may be evidence in the barnacles. HODGINS: And that is why I sent the techs out to the marina to check the boat. (Cut to: Hodgins' lab. He is showing Brennan images on the computer screen) HODGINS: Barnacles grow at a prescribed rate. We dated these little ones back to the night Liam Moloney disappeared. BRENNAN: He tried to climb back up the side of the hull, in the process, breaking off the barnacles and lacerating himself down to the bone. HODGINS: Yeah, and, these baby barnacles grew in their place. (Cam enters) CAM: DNA's back from the blood we found under those barnacles. There's two types: one is consistent with Liam Moloney, the other's a match for Claire Casper. BRENNAN: She must've gotten cut when they struggled. CAM: Booth wanted evidence, looks like we got it. (Cut to: Interrogation Room, FBI) (Booth is confronting Claire Casper) BOOTH: A jury's going to believe this, Claire. We got you. CLAIRE: It was an accident. I...I told Liam I knew what he did. We started fighting. My glass broke, and I got cut - I looked down and saw blood, and I got so mad, I shoved him. He...went over. BOOTH: Into the ocean. CLAIRE: I grabbed the boat hook to get him, I was gonna pull him out. BOOTH: Then what happened? CLAIRE: He called me a...desperate old hag. And I never thought of myself as old until then. And I, I grabbed the boat hook, and I swung it up, and caught him in the mouth. BOOTH: Just like a fish. CLAIRE: I...wanted him to die, Agent Booth, but I...I didn't want to k*ll him. (Booth says nothing, but shakes his head slightly) (Cut to: sh*t of DC at night, then the Royal Diner. Sweets and Daisy are sitting at the counter) SWEETS: Here's the thing. As much as it pains me to say, I don't like casual sex. DAISY: You don't? SWEETS: I mean, I like sex, I love sex, okay, I just, I don't only want to spend time with you 'cause I'm getting my freak on. DAISY: I like giving you the freak. SWEETS: If you want to keep seeing me, we need to have a substantive conversation, and shared interests. DAISY: Well, that should be easy, I mean, we have lots in common. SWEETS: Okay, like what? DAISY: We both love Indian food. SWEETS: Can't stand it, only ate it for you. DAISY: Really? SWEETS: Uh huh. What about travel? DAISY: Since the Malukus, I'm totally over it. SWEETS: Hiking? DAISY: Hate it. Dogs? I love dogs. SWEETS: I'm allergic. (They fall into silence, both looking despondent at what this means for them) DAISY: Remember that time when you had the flu, and we stayed in bed and watched the Saved by the Bell marathon? SWEETS: Yeah, and we decided we dislike Jessie because she's so smart and ambitious, right? DAISY: And you were like Screech, 'cause he was the geeky genius. SWEETS: But they never hooked up. DAISY: Which they totally should have. SWEETS: Right? 'Cause they had more in common than they realized. (They look at each other, and Daisy nods silently) DAISY: We could watch it again. SWEETS: I have issues with the last season. DAISY: Me too! (They smile at each other) SWEETS: Daisy. DAISY: Lancelot. (They embrace) (Cut to: sh*ts of DC, then the Jeffersonian, where the press conference about the Amalia Rose is being held) CAM: These people were wrenched from their homeland, and disappeared into the cold seas of the Atlantic, forgotten, until today. We're very proud to announce that, thanks to the hard work of the Jeffersonian staff, the remains found on the Amalia Rose have been matched with the names on the manifest, and they will be buried at the Great Oak Cemetery in Maryland, but their names and faces will live on here, at the Jeffersonian. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present the victims of the Amalia Rose. (She begins to read out the names as the faces Angela sketched are displayed on the screens surrounding her) Pollodore Nelson. Barbury Page. Jim, no last name. Abraham Fox. (She looks down at the paper she is reading from and hesitates, struggling to master her emotions) Hany...Hany...(she exhales, audibly) Hany Beaufort. Bartlett Nelson. Isaiah Nelson. Rebecca, no last name. Cain Dawson. Eliza, no last name. Georgiana Pickett. Clarence Stark. Dilly Stark. Franklin, no last name. (Fade to black, credits roll) END.

{"type": "series", "show": "Bones", "episode": "06x06 - The Shallow in the Deep"}

foreverdreaming

THE BABE IN THE BAR (Open scene: A crowd is gathered in a large outdoor tent with a blue curtain drawn acrossed a stage. JIMMY WALPERT is standing on the stage in front of the curtain, holding a microphone.) JIMMY WALPERT: Welcome ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Is there anyone here today who happens to like chocolate? (Crowd cheers) WALPERT: Of course you do! Then as your purveyor of pleasure, your dean of delight, I have something very special for you today. But first, everybody close your eyes. Today, Walpert Chocolate is proud and pleased to bring you the world's largest chocolate bar! (WALPERT EMPLOYEE unveils chocolate bar from behind the curtain. Crowd applauds. WALPERT points to OFFICIALS, who nod) WALPERT: Yes! It's official. This is the biggest, best-tasting chocolate bar in the world. Six feet wide, 15 feet long, and you are all going to get a gigantic taste of it. (Crowd cheers. WALPERT EMPLOYEES start to saw into the chocolate bar) WALPERT: Named the best in the bunch by Chocolatiere Monthly, our new, gigantically good chocolate bars are the latest in a long-standing Walpert Chocolate tradition of award-winning confections. Since 1948, we've... (The saw has h*t something in the chocolate, creating a grinding noise, and has stopped moving) WALPERT EMPLOYEE: Saw's...stuck (The crowd murmers while liquid starts to seep out of the chocolate bar) SCOTT KIMPER: Something's wrong WALPERT: Here, uh, let me give you a hand there. (WALPERT attempts to move the saw, more liquid splatters on the ground. He applied more pressure with a grunt, and the candy bar opens, with red liquid pouring out of the center of the bar. The crowd screams and cover their noses. KIMPER gags. It was a body inside of the bar) WALPERT: What is that? (Cut to: Later that day, in the tent. CAMILLE SAROYAN and DR. BRENNAN are examining the remains while BOOTH stands behind them.) CAM: Decomposition's almost complete. I don't know how I can separate the organic material from the chocolate. BRENNAN: Oscoxa suggests female. The earliest stages of spondylosis indicate an age range in the late 20s. BOOTH: Hey, maybe it's an OompaLoompa. (He dances like an OompaLoompa. BRENNAN looks at him, then imitates the dance) BRENNAN: I don't know what that is. BOOTH: OompaLoompa. OompaLoompa. CAM: Gasses that would normally be released into the air during decomposition were trapped in the hard chocolate, reducing the soft tissue to a putrid fluid. (WALPERT and CHEF PERSON enter) WALPERT: Agent Booth? I'm, uh, Jimmy Walpert. I'm sorry that I wasn't here, but I-I got a bit sick. BOOTH: Well, that's no surprise there. WALPERT: This is Scott. KIMPER: Scott Kimper. K-I-M-P-E-R. Chief Chocolate Engineer. BOOTH: Oh, I didn't know chocolate required engineering. KIMPER: Making chocolate is a science unto itself. BRENNAN: No, it's not. It's a technique which requires various scientific disciplines: physics, chemistry... BOOTH: So you guys were both present when the body was discovered? WALPERT: It was awful. KIMPER: It didn't make any sense. I was there the day we poured. WALPERT: So was I, and there certainly wasn't any (whispers) d*ad body. BOOTH: Really? Well, it's not a secret now, is it, Mr. Walpert? CAM: This is an awful lot of chocolate to pour. KIMPER: I tempered our new formula to withstand additional humidity and loaded up a cement mixer. BOOTH: When was that? KIMPER: Tuesday morning. 10:00. CAM: How long did it take to set? KIMPER: I confirmed solidity on Thursday, 3:30 that afternoon. I can give you my notes. WALPERT: I personally monitored it every eight hours. I saw nothing strange. BOOTH: Do you have any security cameras here, any surveillance I can take a look at? Footage? WALPERT: Just a temporary fence with a padlock for insurance purposes. You don't think that a child saw the chocolate and fell in? BRENNAN: No. The victim appears to be an adult. Judging from this section of the pelvis, female, late twenties. CAM: I'll tell you one thing I've noticed. That I'm sort of off chocolate. (Credits.) (Cut to the lab. The chocolate bar is on a scanner. BRENNAN and VINCENT NIGEL-MURRAY are looking at a screen, while CAM is working on a table close by, straining the remains from the fluid from the bar.) NIGEL-MURRAY: You know, it was widely rumored that Pope Clement the 14th was k*lled with a cup of poisoned chocolate. CAM: Was he a good pope or a bad pope? NIGEL-MURRAY: He was no Urban the Sixth. CAM: Oh, no. Of course not. NIGEL-MURRAY: Oh, who, by the way, was the answer to my record-breaking Daily Double win on Jeopardy. The category, of course: t*rture. BRENNAN: Was that the game that you played while I was away? CAM: It was more than just a game. Mr. Nigel-Murray won almost a million dollars. NIGEL-MURRAY: Which, after travel, uh, an overindulgent lifestyle, the occasional game of chance and a, uh, a little stint in rehab, I uh...I no longer possess. But I do-I still have my memories. (whispers) Thailand... BRENNAN: Reassembling the chocolate made it easier to scan, but the condition of these remains is far from ideal. CAM: That's an understatement. Hey, rugal folds. Found a piece of stomach. NIGEL-MURRAY: Is this a slight depression on the occipital? BRENNAN: Yes. Perhaps she struck her head on the mold as someone held her down in the chocolate. NIGEL-MURRAY: Which would mean that she was drowned. BRENNAN: Certainly a possibility. Cam, can you analyze the lungs? CAM: Lungs? There are no lungs. NIGEL-MURRAY: Definitely looks like m*rder. BRENNAN: There's nothing definite here, Mr. Nigel-Murray. It's possible the victim had a grand mal seizure while voluntarily lying in the chocolate. CAM: But let's call it m*rder just for fun. (ANGELA enters) ANGELA: Why is it so cold in here? Holy crap. Look at the size of that thing. BRENNAN: We turned the thermostat down so no chocolate would melt on the CT. It's on loan from Johns Hopkins. CAM: Johns Hopkins. Almost forgot that. Another one for Michelle's short list. ANGELA: I-I cannot believe she's already applying to colleges. BRENNAN: Does Michelle know what she wants to study? CAM: Marine Biology, Art History, Russian Literature...she's kind of all over the place. She's actually going to be here in a few minutes so we can go over our application strategies. ANGELA: Don't you mean her application strategies? CAM: Didn't I say that? NIGEL-MURRAY: What's this here? On the right radius? BRENNAN: Oh, looks like it may be perimortem sharp-force trauma, an injury sustained in the att*ck. But we'll know more when the bones are clean. CAM: Just don't lose the chocolate. BRENNAN: Dr. Hodgins can help you. CAM: I sense a mess in our future. Speaking of which, I need to get cleaned up for Michelle. NIGEL-MURRAY: Oh, you know, there are many fine universities in England-uh, Oxford and Cambridge, of course, but th-th-there's also- CAM: You so much as mention leaving the country to my daughter, and I will choke you on your own trivia and stuff your lifeless body in a locker. (CAM exits) NIGEL-MURRAY: Then again, Georgetown's lovely. ANGELA and BRENNAN: Mm-hmm. BRENNAN: It's closer. NIGEL-MURRAY: Closer. (Cut to CAM and MICHELLE sitting at a table in the Jeffersonian, with a pile of papers in front of them) CAM: Now, I know I promised that the decision was yours and yours alone, but I did send away for a few catalogs just to give you a sense of your options. MICHELLE: A few? CAM: Now, with your grades and SAT scores, plus extracurriculars, I truly think you have a sh*t at getting into any one of these schools. The trick is gonna be the essay question, and then talk about personal interviews later... MICHELLE: Uh, Cam, I think I've already decided where I want to go. CAM: Your top choice? That's great. Why don't we do this in tiers? Top choice, reach schools, safeties- MICHELLE: Uh, no, I mean, I only want to apply to one school, early decision. CAM: Wellesley? MICHELLE: Central Maine State University. CAM: Excuse-Central...Maine? That-that's a... MICHELLE: State University, Pittsfield Campus. CAM: I am not familiar with that university, but um, then again, I don't know much about the center of Maine. MICHELLE: It's a small school, but it's got a great General Studies department. That way, I won't have to narrow down my interests. CAM: General Studies. MICHELLE: Mm-hmm. Derrick's already in because he got a football scholarship. CAM: Ah. Derrick. MICHELLE: Cam. Don't say his name like that. CAM: I like Derrick, Michelle. I do. But this is your future. It's important. MICHELLE: You said this was my decision. You told me you'd support me. CAM: Yes, but when I see that you might be making a mistake- MICHELLE: So you're not supporting me? CAM: Unconditionally? MICHELLE: You're right Cam. This is my future. CAM: I'm sorry. Let's talk about- MICHELLE: No. I got to go. I'll see you later. (MICHELLE exits. Cut to the Royal Diner. BOOTH and BRENNAN are sitting at the counter.) BOOTH: I've got to tell you, I don't think I've ever, ever quite seen anything like this. BRENNAN: Well, anthropologically speaking, chocolate and v*olence often intersect. Take the ancient Aztecs. Cocoa pods were used in ritual to represent the human heart, while the seeds inside represented blood. BOOTH: So, what's the deal with the body? Any news? BRENNAN: Mr. Nigel-Murray is cleaning the bones as we speak. Some fractures appear to indicate a struggle. But we can't get a clear look until Hodgins and Mr. Nigel-Murray clean the bones. BOOTH: They should lick them. Lick 'em clean. BRENNAN: Licking would contaminate the osseous surface. (Cell phone rings) BOOTH: Joke, Bones. All right?Just a joke.All right?Sarcastic. (BRENNAN answers her phone) BRENNAN: Hello, Angela. ANGELA: Hey. I just sent you the victim's facial reconstruction. BRENNAN: Oh, convenient. ANGELA: Yeah. Well, I ran it through Missing Persons, and nothing came up. BRENNAN: All right. I'll-I'll show Booth. Thanks, Angela. (BRENNAN shows BOOTH the victim's picture) BOOTH: Yowza. BRENNAN: "Yowza" was the early 20th century exclamation you use to indicate that you are responding sexually. The victim's nasal bridge reminds me of Hannah. BOOTH: Her nose looks a little bit like Hannah. BRENNAN: She away again? Is that why you're making sexually suggestive exclamations? BOOTH: She's traveling with the president of the United States. She's in Munich until the weekend. BRENNAN: I love Munich. Ichliebe Bayern! Und Sie? BOOTH: So, Angela find any missing persons? BRENNAN: Ja. Abersiefandkeine...No match. BOOTH: No match. So, you know what? Let's just do this the old-fashioned way. BRENNAN: Hey, Booth. Yowza. That was very funny. BOOTH: Yeah. BRENNAN: It was. It was objectively very amusing. BOOTH: I'm laughing all the way to the door. (BOOTH exits) BRENNAN: (laughing) Yowza. (Cut to the lab. ANGELA is working on the Angelator. HODGINS enters.) HODGINS: How's my sweet thing and her precious cargo? ANGELA: Oh, we're fine. We're just cleaning up the 3D images of the remains. I think he really likes 3D. If-if by "cargo" you're implying that I already resemble a container ship, let me warn you, you ain't seen nothing yet. HODGINS: I can't wait until we start to tell people. I think we should tell people now. Okay? ANGELA: Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Um, you know, I'll tell Cam when I see her. HODGINS: No. This is a big deal. We need to throw a party. I mean, like, tomorrow night, Founding Fathers. We'll get food. Some drinks. I mean, everyone will be so excited for us. I can't wait to see their faces. ANGELA: Me neither. How about if I invite everybody? I'm afraid that you're gonna give it away. HODGINS: Yes, good point. ANGELA: Yeah. HODGINS: Sure. Good. ANGELA: Ok. (CAM enters) Hodgins: Um...Angela's got something to ask you. (HODGINS exits) ANGELA: Hodgins wants to make a big announcement and tell everybody that I am pregnant. CAM: But everyone already knows. ANGELA: I know, but Hodgins doesn't know that, because he wanted it to be his surprise. You didn't say anything, did you? CAM: Oh, no. No one did. ANGELA: Okay, good. Well, everybody's just gonna have to act surprised, and it they can't pull it off, then they just have to not come. They have to make up an excuse. CAM: Sounds like a plan. ANGELA: Okay, can you do it? Founding Fathers tomorrow night. CAM: Wait. Founding Fathers? I love Founding Fathers! How was that? Convincing? ANGELA: Yes, that was...that was...Thank you. Yeah. (CAM exits. Cut to the Walpert Chocolate factory. WALPERT is walking BOOTH and BRENNAN through the factory.) WALPERT: Oh, my God, this is Harriet Soloway. BRENNAN: Does she work here? WALPERT: Yes, in R&D. Scott! (KIMPER enters) KIMPER: Did you find out what happened? WALPERT: The d*ad body is Harriet Soloway! KIMPER: Harriet?! My God! I thought she was at the Cocoa Bean Symposium in Baltimore. WALPERT: So did I. BOOTH: Right. So, when was the last time you saw her? KIMPER: Um, Monday morning staff meeting. BRENNAN: You said that the chocolate was poured on Tuesday, and that it was hard by Thursday? KIMPER: That's right BOOTH: I'm gonna need to know all the people who had access to the chocolate during that period. KIMPER: I know my employees, Agent Booth. Nobody would ever just dump her body in the chocolate bar. BRENNAN: There's no evidence to indicate the body was placed in the chocolate as a means of disposal. The evidence suggests she was k*lled there. WALPERT: Death by chocolate? Oh, the press will have a field day with that. BOOTH: Do you guys have any personnel files? We're going to have to notify next of kin. KIMPER: I think she has a sister in Virginia. Um, I'll get you her file. (KIMPER exits) WALPERT: I'd like to offer a reward of $50,000 to anyone who helps us catch the m*rder. BRENNAN: That's very generous of you. WALPERT: Payable in a lifetime supply of Walpert Chocolate. BOOTH: Right, I'm guessing the ones with the gooey center? Hey (laughs). (Cut to the lab. NIGEL-MURRAY is holding a tub full of hairdryers) NIGEL-MURRAY: Your thesis is wrong, Dr. Hodgins. We should use the blow dryers. It's a more gentle process. (HODGINS is setting up heat lamps around the chocolate) HODGINS: I am the lead on this, Vincent, as well as the king of this lab. Now, the lights will melt the chocolate evenly and won't damage any evidence trapped inside. NIGEL-MURRAY: Yes, yes, but with the hairdryers, we can localize the heat distribution. Tests supporting this have been conducted in Michoacan, Mexico. HODGINS: I'm going to turn the lamps on now to melt the chocolate and to stop you from talking. (HODGINS turns on the lamps. CAM enters) CAM: Ooh, stop! Turn the lamps off. Turn the lamps off. (HODGINS turns off the lamps) HODGINS: What is going on? CAM: I was going over Angela's 3-D images of the remains, and I found something. Okay. See these circles? NIGEL-MURRAY: It looks like intestinal gas. CAM: It's bubbles in the chocolate. Two big bubbles, trapped right here, 25 and 39 millimeters above the victim's mandible. HODGINS: Are you saying the chocolate trapped the victim's final breath? CAM: Well, I'm no expert in viscosity, but- NIGEL-MURRAY: I am. I am. In fact, on-on Jeopardy- HODGINS: Oh, make your point. NIGEL-MURRAY: In any endothermic reaction, the surface molecules are always the first to become s*ab. Therefore, it's possible that a gaseous bubble could form in the warmer liquid, but become trapped against the solid surface. CAM: I couldn't get any useful data from the soft tissue, so the bubbles are all I've got. If they melt away... HODGINS: But we have to melt the chocolate in order to get any information from the bones. NIGEL-MURRAY: Yeah, but first, we can cut out these sections and freeze them until we discover a way to extract the gas trapped in the bubbles. CAM: Excellent. Do it. Mr. Nigel-Murray, if I didn't have self-control, I would kiss you. (CAM exits) HODGINS: No interesting facts off that? NIGEL-MURRAY: Huh? Yeah, yeah. In fact, the-the satisfaction that human beings take from fantasizing is...Its directly related to...No, I don't. Uh-uh. There's no facts on... (Cut to a conference room in the FBI building. BOOTH is sitting with GENEVA SOLOWAY) SOLOWAY: Yes, that's my sister. I wondered why she wasn't calling me back. BOOTH: When was the last time you guys spoke? SOLOWAY: I don't know. A few months ago? We, um...we should have talked more. We were both so busy, we just let our lives get away from us. Are you sure it's Harriet? BOOTH: Well, according to the Jeffersonian, yeah. Um, are you aware of any problems she may have had? Any enemies at the chocolate factory? SOLOWAY: No. Chocolate? What? BOOTH: Are you familiar with Walpert Chocolate? SOLOWAY: Walpert Chocolate? No. BOOTH: According to the company, she'd been working there for several months, right after she graduated from culinary school. SOLOWAY: Culinary school? Harriet went to Penn State. This is a mistake. BOOTH: According to her résumé, she went to the Arrow Culinary Academy, followed by an internship at a prestigious chocolatier in New York. SOLOWAY: Can I see that? BOOTH: Sure. SOLOWAY: These are all lies. They're all...lies. That is her picture, and that's her name, but this résumé? This isn't her. (Cut to LANCE SWEETS' office. SWEETS is sitting across from BOOTH, and is eating a chocolate bar) SWEETS: So, she lied to get her job? BOOTH: Extensively. SWEETS: It's bold, but it doesn't necessarily mean she's pathological. Maybe she just loved chocolate. BOOTH: You have to eat that? I just imagine you chomping down on her cheek or something. Can you just put it away? SWEETS: If we don't face and overcome unsettling events in life, we are ruled by them. I'm not gonna let some ruthless k*ller destroy my enjoyment of chocolate. It's not gonna happen. I love chocolate too much. BOOTH: Give me this thing. (BOOTH grabs the chocolate bar and throws it away.) SWEETS: Come on! I was about to get to the nuts. BOOTH: Her sister, Geneva said that Harriet didn't even like chocolate. She said that she lied about getting this job and every other job. So I basically tracked down her actual employment records through her Social Security number, and she not only changed jobs every year, she hopped industries. SWEETS: It looks like she created a new résumé for each position. Here she says she's "a world-renowned expert in the field of couture bustiers." Lingerie. Like a bra, only...pretty great, actually. They're very sexy. Sort of squeeze the... Uh, so you're saying that all the résumés are filled with false information? BOOTH: Cosmetic rep, toy company, outreach specialist, whatever that is. SWEETS: It's fascinating. I mean, obviously, our victim is intelligent. These résumés are perfectly tailored to make her an ideal candidate. BOOTH: Geneva said that Harriet was probably lying just for the fun of it. SWEETS: When someone lies with this sort of ease in their professional relationships, chances are they lie at least as much in their personal relationships. BOOTH: Well, maybe she just lied to the wrong person. (Cut to the lab. CAM and ANGELA are standing on either side of a table that has a piece of the chocolate bar on it ANGELA is holding the wand of an ultrasound machine to the chocolate.) CAM: I should be able to use the syringe to extract the gas and any aerated fluid. ANGELA: Ooh! Bubbles. CAM: Now the trick is jabbing them. ANGELA: Yeah, sometimes I use this thing on myself to check on the baby. Just say hi. Totally unethical, I know. CAM: Extremely, but so cool. My daughter wants to be a fighting hagfish. ANGELA: For what, a costume party? CAM: No, it's the mascot of Central Maine State University, where Michelle says she's going next year. ANGELA: Oh. Good for her. I love Maine. CAM: She's following a boy, Angela. I mean, you're a hedonistic, free spirit, artist type, and even you didn't do that. ANGELA: Thank you for the personality assessment. Yeah, I went to a good school because I chose to. Nobody made me. You should let Michelle make her own decisions, Cam. I mean, she is almost an adult. CAM: Almost. That's the key word here. I need to guide her, but she hates me for doing it. ANGELA: Well, maybe you should talk to Sweets. CAM: Sweets? Why would I do that? ANGELA: He might be able to help you deal with Michelle. CAM: I don't want to talk to a child about a child. ANGELA: Okay. (Cut to NIGEL-MURRAY examining the skeleton. BRENNAN enters) NIGEL-MURRAY: I measured the contusion we found on the skull. It matches the width of the edge of the mold they used to form the chocolate bar. BRENNAN: Very good work. That reinforces the theory that the victim was held down with some degree of force. NIGEL-MURRAY: And suffocated. The cartilage of the septum has been crushed, and there's another hairline fracture on the frontal process of the maxilla. BRENNAN: Pressure fractures on the margins of the orbits. Their directionality definitely suggests Harriet was suffocated while submerged, which is in keeping with Cam's postulation that the chocolate captured her last breath. Huh. This is odd. NIGEL-MURRAY: The radial trauma? BRENNAN: I originally believed it to be perimortem, but look. The remodeling was obscured by pseudoarthrosis. This injury happened about five or six months before she died. See? Remodeling on each edge. The limb must not have been properly immobilized after injury. NIGEL-MURRAY: So, the bone didn't fully calcify, leaving the appearance of a fresh wound. BRENNAN: But that wouldn't have happened to anyone who had access to modern medical treatment. NIGEL-MURRAY: Well, maybe six months ago, she didn't have access to treatment, or she chose to deny it for some reason. (Cut to CAM bringing syringes on a tray to HODGINS) HODGINS: Ooh! Those the bubbles? CAM: Point seven two cc's and one point three three cc's. HODGINS: Wow. CAM: How's the chocolate coming? HODGINS: Done. I sifted through all 1,873 gallons of it. Nothing but the usual.Ant torsos, spider legs, rodent hairs. CAM: Whoa, that's the usual? HODGINS: Yeah. FDA permits 60 insect fragments and one rodent hair per 100 grams. CAM: Lovely. HODGINS: Yeah. Uh, hey, so are you, are you, uh, you coming tomorrow night? CAM: Yes. HODGINS: Angela asked you? CAM: Yes, she did, and yes, I am coming. HODGINS: Good. CAM: It's just a fun night. HODGINS: Yeah. CAM: With friends. HODGINS: Mm-hmm. CAM: It sounds good. Let me know as soon as you get the results on those, okay? HODGINS: Yes! Yes. (Cut to BOOTH and BRENNAN in an SUV. BOOTH is talking on the phone.) BOOTH: Great. Thanks. (BOOTH hangs up) BOOTH: So, that was the Human Resources department at the bra place. Turns out, wherever Harriet Soloway went, she had quite the reputation. BRENNAN: What, for lying? BOOTH: No, for seducing men. BRENNAN: Yowza! BOOTH: Okay. You know, that whole yowza thing, that's really not necessary. BRENNAN: So you're implying that Harriet might have been sexually involved with a Walpert employee? BOOTH: Well, I looked through her phone records, and I didn't see any evidence of it, but the last place she worked-Bellomo Sparkling Wines... (BRENNAN cringes) BOOTH: What? BRENNAN: I had a very bad experience drinking Bellomo Sparkling Wine. BOOTH: Yeah, who hasn't? Right? Anyways, Harriet had a relationship with the owner, Lawrence Bellomo, and apparently it didn't end very well. BRENNAN: What happened? BOOTH: Well, six months ago, she filed a complaint with her carrier. She was receiving harassing phone calls from a private number. Turns out they were coming from Bellomo. (BRENNAN's phone rings) BRENNAN: Brennan. CAM: We have the results from the first bubble. HODGINS: There's an extremely high concentration of carbon dioxide. BRENNAN: So she did exhale while submerged. CAM: There are also traces of oxygen, nitrogen, hydrochloric acid, acetic acid, oenanthic acid, decanoic acid, glycerine, glucose, ethanol... HODGINS: It was a postmortem eructation. BOOTH: Oh, god. That sounds bad. CAM: It's a burp. BOOTH: A burp? Corpses burp? HODGINS: Yeah. Isn't that awesome? BRENNAN: The combination of acids and sugar sounds like ingredients. CAM: It's champagne. HODGINS: So I went to the liquor store and I bought every brand available. We ran it through the GC Mass Spec to compare their volatile composition. BOOTH: Ah. Bellomo Sparkling Wine. HODGINS: Damn. CAM: How did you know? BRENNAN: It could just be coincidence. BOOTH: Well, could be, but we should still ask Lawrence Bellomo a few questions. (Cut to the interrogation room. LAWRENCE BELLOMO is being questioned by BOOTH and BRENNAN.) BELLOMO: Just because she was drinking Bellomo does not mean I was drinking Bellomo with her. Everybody drinks Bellomo. BOOTH: Everybody drinks Bellomo once, Mr. Bellomo. Phone records show that you were calling Harriet repeatedly. BELLOMO: I just wanted to talk to her, all right? I was having a hard time. BOOTH: Why? Because she broke up with you? BELLOMO: That and my business. Everything was going wrong at the same time. You know what I'm saying? A perfect storm. BOOTH: Yeah. What happened? BELLOMO: Well, I hired Harriet about a year ago. We started seeing each other, and I thought we were gonna get married. Six months later, out of the blue, she dumps me. Quits. Says she needs her space. What the hell does that even mean? BRENNAN: Nothing. Space being neutral; or in some cases, negative, can't be acquired, therefore- BOOTH: Just go on. Continue. BELLOMO: Well, because having a broken heart's not bad enough, a month later, I lost the contract with my biggest distributor. BOOTH: How much do you know about her personal life? Her history? BELLOMO: What she told me. And her sister. I know her sister too. "Knew" her. BOOTH: You slept with her sister? BELLOMO: We had a little fling. That's how I met Harriet. She was staying at Geneva's for a couple of days, and she needed a job and...she had an impressive résumé. BOOTH: You dumped Geneva? BELLOMO: Yeah, well good thing too. Geneva was nuts. When she heard I was with Harriet, she went insane. You know that woman waited for me in a tree outside my house? She almost took out my eye. Those girls hate each other's guts. (Cut to SOLOWAY in the interrogation room with BOOTH) BOOTH: Why didn't you tell us about Lawrence Bellomo? SOLOWAY: Lawrence is-is ancient history. Did he k*ll Harriet? BOOTH: I'll ask the questions. You were jealous of your sister, weren't you? SOLOWAY: What are you getting at Agent Booth? Because I don't think I like it. BOOTH: Well, Harriet was beautiful; led more of an exciting life. You, on the other hand, led a more... SOLOWAY: Boring? Are you saying my life is boring? So-so I whacked my sister? BOOTH: I'm just thinking, you know, Harriet stole your boyfriend last year. She probably stole your boyfriend last week. So you got upset, and you whacked her. SOLOWAY: Okay, I got a little crazy when Lawrence dumped me, but I just couldn't believe he fell for her act. BOOTH: Her act? SOLOWAY: Harriet was a phony. Ever since we were little, she would manipulate people to get whatever she wanted. No one knew. Everyone loved her. So-so yeah, you're right, I was jealous. But I would never hurt her. BOOTH: She was s*ab in the arm six months ago. Do you know who may have done that? SOLOWAY: Her arm? I don't know. She probably deserved it. But it wasn't me. I hated her, sure, but...I didn't k*ll her. (Cut to the bone room in the Jeffersonian. NIGEL-MURRAY and BRENNAN are talking) NIGEL-MURRAY: Interestingly, the cacao tree is a species of the genus Theobroma, which translates from the Latin as the "food of the gods." BRENNAN: What would actually be interesting is an explanation of the perimortem fractures, Mr. Nigel-Murray. NIGEL-MURRAY: Of course. They support our scenario of the att*ck. With one hand the k*ller held the victim down, fracturing the clavicle and the sternum, whilst suffocating her with the other hand. BRENNAN: Anything else? NIGEL-MURRAY: Oh, yes. I took a closer look at the antemortem trauma that somehow escaped medical care. There is a very small proliferative lesion on the distal edge of the fracture. BRENNAN: It's an adventitious cyst. The compromised bone formed a callus around a foreign object that was embedded in the open wound. Do you have this on x ray? NIGEL-MURRAY: Yes. BRENNAN: It looks like a small rock. NIGEL-MURRAY: Oh! Rock was the subject of my only disputed Jeopardy answer. BRENNAN: Is this relevant, Mr. Nigel-Murray? NIGEL-MURRAY: The category was "Famous Jameses." The question: "He is widely considered the best rock guitarist of all time." So, obviously, my answer: "Who is Jimmy Page?" No. It's not the response. The response they were looking for: "Who is Jimi Hendrix?" BRENNAN: Mr. Nigel-Murray. NIGEL-MURRAY: I know. I know. Jimi Hendrix. First of all, Jimmy Page is a better musician. That's a fact. Also, Jimi Hendrix? His original birth name is Johnny. So he doesn't, doesn't even belong in the category. BRENNAN: That wasn't relevant at all, Mr. Nigel-Murray. Take a microslice of the cyst and have Dr. Hodgins identify the foreign object. (BRENNAN exits) NIGEL-MURRAY: Jimmy Page is always relevant. (Cut to SWEETS' office. CAM is sitting across from SWEETS) SWEETS: Well, you're here so you must want my honest opinion. CAM: I guess so. SWEETS: I think you're overreacting, Dr. Saroyan. CAM: Overreacting? D-Do...Are shrinks even allowed to use that word? Okay, so why am I overreacting? SWEETS: I have a friend, Tim Swift, who was the golden boy in my high school. He got into Harvard but dropped out after the first semester. Wound up in some community college where he majored in weed. Today, he manages a five-billion-dollar charitable trust that's saved thousands of lives. CAM: I'm sorry. You lost me at "majoring in weed." SWEETS: The late teens and early twenties are a time for experimentation and growth. And, you know, making a few mistakes is just part of that process. CAM: Oh, you're making it worse. SWEETS: It's not that I think that college isn't a big deal-of course it is-but come on. This is Michelle we're talking about. She's an exceptional young woman. CAM: She is which is why she deserves to go to an exceptional school. This decision- SWEETS: It's probably going to change, anyway. You know, she and Derrick will have a fight, or she'll start to feel left out when her friends visit schools. I don't think this is a done deal. CAM: Applications are due in a few months. What if she realizes too late? I'm responsible for her, Dr. Sweets. SWEETS: Well, you know, it may not unfold the way you'd like it to, but Michelle is a smart and wonderful young woman worthy of your trust. Let this play itself out. CAM: I don't know if I can do that. SWEETS: I do. You've been a great mother to her. CAM: Remind me again why I should listen to someone who doesn't even take care of a pet. SWEETS: Right. I sponsor a water buffalo in the Philippines. CAM: (laughs) And I suppose you wouldn't get in the way of her decisions. SWEETS: Oh, I wouldn't get in her way, period. (Cut to the bone room, where NIGEL-MURRAY is examining the skeleton, and making notes on a clipboard. HODGINS enters) HODGINS: You made my day, Vincent. Thank you. NIGEL-MURRAY: Was it the vivid recounting of my debauched weekend in Rio? Or was it that juicy little morsel regarding SeñorTrebek? HODGINS: Both entertaining. But what really does it for me is that foreign object you gave me to I.D. It's a bug. Helopeltistheobromae. NIGEL-MURRAY: The object we found lodged inside the bone was an insect? HODGINS: Most of one. It's part of the Miridae family. It's found primarily in Indonesia. NIGEL-MURRAY: I'll go and tell Dr. Brennan. HODGINS: Well, when you do, make sure you tell her the best part. One of the little guy's favorite snacks?Cocao plants. (Cut to BRENNAN and BOOTH sitting at a table in the FBI building with papers strewn all over the table) BRENNAN: The evidence shows that Harriet was in Indonesia six months ago. Probably on a cocoa plantation, which would explain the insect. BOOTH: Wait a second, here we go. Indonesia. Cocoa. BRENNAN: Yes. BOOTH: Ha! Ha! Ambrosia Chocolates. Remember them? BRENNAN: Yes. They're expensive. BOOTH: Yeah. BRENNAN: And delicious. I love the cream center, although not that much anymore. BOOTH: Every Ambrosia employee is sent down to Indonesia to take part in this immersion program to study about cocoa. BRENNAN: But Harriet didn't work for Ambrosia Chocolates. BOOTH: Look at all the companies, okay, that she worked for after she quit. They all took a h*t. Remember Bellomo Wines? BRENNAN: Yes. Lawrence Bellomo said that he lost a major distributor of his wine. BOOTH: Every company that Harriet worked for was a victim of corporate espionage. BRENNAN: Walpert was developing a new line of chocolate. BOOTH: Ambrosia sends Harriet to Indonesia... BRENNAN: Because Ambrosia is her real employer. Harriet was a spy. BOOTH: Yowza. BRENNAN: Yowza. (Cut to a conference room in the FBI building. GAIL SLEVIN is sitting at a table. BOOTH enters) BOOTH: So, Gail Slevin, is it? Right. As president of Ambrosia Chocolates, you have been trying to buy out Walpert for years, that right? SLEVIN: We've made some overtures. It's not really a priority. BOOTH: Um, from my count, six overtures. Walpert has not bitten. That must have been frustrating, right? SLEVIN: Not really. Just business. BOOTH: Just business? Right? Are you familiar with the Economic Espionage Act? SLEVIN: No, why would I be? BOOTH: Well, you know if I find proof that you've illegally obtained a competitor's trade secrets, you're looking at at least ten years in prison. SLEVIN: I agreed to come down here to discuss the accident at Walpert's factory. Suddenly I need a lawyer? BOOTH: Well, it wasn't an accident, you see. It was m*rder. And we have proof that the victim worked for you and has been since she entered your immersion program six months ago. See, Harriet was a spy. SLEVIN: Am I here because you think I k*lled her, Agent Booth? BOOTH: Well, if you didn't, you might want to cooperate. It might make negotiating a plea on that espionage charge a little easier. SLEVIN: Harriet entered the immersion program just like everybody else so that she seemed just like any other employee. BOOTH: How did she hurt her arm? SLEVIN: Happened during the harvesting part of the program. Go hand machetes to 16 Ivy League graduates. See what happens. She sliced herself, it got infected. The plantation's in a remote area, so it was impossible to get sophisticated medical care. BOOTH: All in the name of chocolate? SLEVIN: This is a competitive business, Agent Booth. Billions of dollars are at stake. Harriet was hired at Walpert to find the company's weaknesses. BOOTH: And maybe steal some trade secrets along the way. SLEVIN: She called me last week, whispering in the phone saying she was gonna quit. BOOTH: Did she say why? SLEVIN: She thought Jimmy Walpert was onto her. I told her to be careful. Jimmy has a temper. (Cut to the lab. CAM is working on the computer. MICHELLE enters) MICHELLE: Cam? CAM: Oh. Hey. I'm just, uh, working on some disgusting stuff here. MICHELLE: Uh, Derrick flew up to Maine this week to sign his letter of intent. He brought this back for me. (MICHELLE holds up a sweatshirt with the University of Central Maine mascot on it) CAM: He's actually a much cuter mascot than I imagined. MICHELLE: I was hoping you'd take it. Maybe even wear it once in a while? I just...I still want you to be proud of me. CAM: Oh, Michelle. I-I'm extremely proud of you. And I'm so sorry I haven't been supportive. This is your decision, and you have my support. One hundred percent. MICHELLE: Thank you. CAM: Go, Hagfish! MICHELLE: I'll see you at home. (MICHELLE exits) CAM: Okay. Okay. (NIGEL-MURRAY enters) NIGEL-MURRAY: Dr. Saroyan, have you a minute? (Cut to the bone examination room) NIGEL-MURRAY: Interestingly, English Quakers believed that v*olence among the poor would be ameliorated if they could be persuaded to give up alcohol in favor of chocolate. CAM: I thought you had something to show me. NIGEL-MURRAY: Oh, yes, yes. I found another perimortem injury. The fourth finger on the left hand. An asymmetry in the articular condyle with damage to the corresponding facet. CAM: What does that mean, a dislocated finger? NIGEL-MURRAY: Twisted. And dislocated. Very near the time of death, yes. CAM: Huh. That's not a typical defensive wound. Nor does it seem to factor into our suffocation scenario. I'll make sure to tell Dr. Brennan. Very good work. NIGEL-MURRAY: Also, very very- CAM: Last one, Mr. Nigel-Murray. Make it good. NIGEL-MURRAY: Right. Milton Hershey, who had great success spreading chocolate amongst the masses, was also a -drumroll please. You're not gonna...? Very well, I'll do it myself. (drumrolls) A Quaker. CAM: Huh. That's actually sort of interesting. (Cut to the Walpert Chocolate Factory. BOOTH and BRENNAN are walking through the factory, while WALPERT is talking to an employee.) BOOTH: Gail Selvin admitted Harriet was a spy, and she was scared. BRENNAN: Of what? WALPERT: It's your job to keep a lid on this Melissa! I mean, look at this article! And what about the other chocolate blogs! BOOTH: Mr. Walpert? WALPERT: Not now! BOOTH: Excuse me? WALPERT: You and your investigation are costing me big time! Now get the hell off of my property before I call the dogs. BRENNAN: What is he talking about? BOOTH: I don't know. Are you thr*at a federal officer? WALPERT: Oh, back off! I mean it! BOOTH: Okay, you know what? You are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent, and if I were you, I would, pal. You believe this guy? (Cut to an interrogation room in the FBI building. BOOTH and BRENNAN are interrogating WALPERT) BOOTH: You knew what Harriet was doing, so you drowned her and left her for d*ad. BRENNAN: Suffocated her. His hand was over her mouth. BOOTH: Right. Got it, Bones. So, when did you discover that Harriet was working for Gail Slevin? WALPERT: What? That little bitch! What did she tell them? BOOTH: Calm down. WALPERT: Don't tell me to calm down. This business is my life! Get Scott in here! If he showed her anything, if he showed her one damned slip of paper! BRENNAN: What does Scott have to do with this? WALPERT: He's the chocolatier. I handle the business, but he oversees all of the new formulations. I'm, I'm just the face, like the Colonel, but my suit is way nicer. No string tie or anything. BOOTH: Did Harriet spend a lot of time with Mr. Kimper? WALPERT: You think I give a crap? I hope so. Scott's wife is....a horse. You could actually put a saddle on her. And Harriet was, uh, quite a tease. (Cut to BOOTH's office. BOOTH and BRENNAN are sitting at Booth's desk) BOOTH: Old Scott doesn't hold back on the credit card charges. Take a look at that charge. BRENNAN: MinuteDivorce.com. BOOTH: Filed online last Sunday. BRENNAN: The same day that he spend $12.99 at the liquor store. Bellomo sparkling wine, I imagine. BOOTH: And $2,000 for an engagement ring. BRENNAN: Which he yanked off her finger, dislocating it. BOOTH: I'm telling you, all of the evidence points back to Scott Kimper. BRENNAN: But, unfortunately, it's just circumstantial. (Cut to the lab. CAM is filling out an application for Johns Hopkins. HODGINS enters.) HODGINS: Got the analysis of the latest air bubble. It's good news. CAM: Let's see. HODGINS: Is this Michelle's essay to Johns Hopkins? CAM: Yes. HODGINS: It's very good. CAM: It is. HODGINS: I thought she wasn't applying to any other school besides...Oh. You're writing Michelle's...Oh, that's bad. I mean, that's just wrong. CAM: No, Dr. Hodgins. That is being a mother, and I assume I can trust your discretion? HODGINS: Of course...Mom. (HODGINS exits, tsking) (Cut to BRENNAN's office. CAM enters) CAM: We just got the results back from the second bubble we found trapped in the chocolate. BRENNAN: You mean the eructation. CAM: This one wasn't a burp. It was her final exhalation. It contained oxygen, nitrogen, carbon dioxide, and a trace amount of blood. BRENNAN: Harriet's blood. CAM: Not Harriet's blood. Someone else's. BRENNAN: If it was her final exhalation, then it must belong to the person who was with her when she died. CAM: Yes. We have the k*ller. (Cut to the interrogation room. KIMPER is being interrogated.) KIMPER: She said she loved me. I trusted her. BOOTH: Well, you weren't the first. BRENNAN: She worked for Ambrosia Chocolate. KIMPER: I shared everything with her-my recipes, everything. If she hadn't been inside, that would have been the best chocolate bar you ever had. (Cut to a street in Washington D.C. BOTH and BRENNAN are walking on the sidewalk) BRENNAN: He k*lled her because he loved her? BOOTH: Oh, he fell in love with a fake. He found out, he couldn't handle it. BRENNAN: Love is an idiot. BOOTH: What? BRENNAN: I was personifying a concept. It's poetic. How does someone fall in love with something that isn't even real? BOOTH: Oh, that's a big question, 'cause you're just going to say that it's your brain releasing chemicals that just drive you crazy. I'm not even going there. You know what? I'm not gonna have this conversation. BRENNAN: But you admit that love is an idiot, right? BOOTH: Yup (phone rings) Oh, look at that. Uh, Hannah's back. Um, you know, this whole thing that we're going to here... BRENNAN: The official announcement that Angela is pregnant? BOOTH: Yeah, I feel, um...I feel pretty stupid pretending. BRENNAN: You're trying to find a justification so you can go home and have sex with Hannah, right? BOOTH: Yeah. Plus, we already all know anyway. BRENNAN: But Hodgins doesn't know we know. BOOTH: Yeah, but Angela says if you can't pretend not knowing, then you shouldn't go, so I shouldn't go. BRENNAN: If you want, I can lie to all of our friends and say that you have pressing FBI business. BOOTH: I don't like the idea of lying to our friends, but I'm going to go with it, thanks. BRENNAN: Tell Hannah, welcome home. (Cut to Founding Father's Bar. The squints are all sitting around a table.) HODGINS: Do you think everyone's here? (ANGELA looks at the table) CAM: Just react to something big. ANGELA: Yes, I do. Just go ahead. HODGINS: Okay. All right.Um, hello everyone.Uh, all four of you.Our friends. Um, thank you so much for coming out tonight to hear our big announcement. Maybe you've already guessed? CAM: Nope! BRENNAN: No. ANGELA: Okay, um, well, what we'd like to share with all of your is, um... HODGINS: Yes, our-our best friends. Good, um. Vincent, what's the matter? NIGEL-MURRAY: I beg of you not look at me directly. Please just say what you've come to say. HODGINS: Okay, yeah. Um. Ready? ANGELA: Yes. HODGINS: Angela and I are going to have a baby! BRENNAN: A baby! Yay! CAM: Congratulations! BRENNAN: Wonderful! A baby! CAM: That is so awesome! BRENNAN: Baby! CAM: So good! BRENNAN: Wonderful! HODGINS: Stop. You knew, didn't you? BRENNAN: No. CAM: No. Uh-uh. BRENNAN: We didn't. SWEETS: About what? NIGEL-MURRAY: No, I was surprised. HODGINS: Mm-mm. They knew. ANGELA: No. No. They didn't...They didn't know. Did you know? GROUP: Nope. Uh-uh. HODGINS: That's why no one else is here. Because you told them if they couldn't fake surprise, not ot show up. BRENNAN: I-I think we were very convincing. CAM: I actually felt like I was hearing it for the first time. HODGINS: I can't believe you told them without me. ANGELA: I didn't tell them honey, they guessed.Didn't you guys guess on your own? SWEETS: Yeah. ANGELA: Yes. Yeah, it was the glow, or the vomiting, or something, but the point is, is that we're all together, and you guys are all very happy for us, right? BRENNAN: That part is true. SWEETS: To the Hodgins family! NIGEL-MURRAY: To the Hodgins...Montenegro... BRENNAN: To the Montenegro, Hodgins family. NIGEL-MURRAY: And the wee one! HODGINS: To our family. Yay! To our family. CAM: I'm so glad that's over! END.

{"type": "series", "show": "Bones", "episode": "06x07 - The Babe in the Bar"}

foreverdreaming

THE TWISTED BONES IN THE MELTED TRUCK ACT ONE (The sun is rising over the trees, panning over to a white truck stopped on the side of the road. Through the windshield, a man - d*ad - is seen in the driver's seat. A spark is seen behind him, turning into a full-fledged f*re and then a massive expl*si*n.) INT. BOOTH'S APARTMENT - DAY (BOOTH and HANNAH are in the bedroom, getting ready for the day.) HANNAH: My editor wants me to tie my story of inner-city crime in DC with federal cutbacks to law enforcement. BOOTH: Ah, all right, gotta love that, huh? More money for us. Tell you what, maybe the bureau could get me a computer that doesn't run on coal. (Booth walks towards the washroom.) HANNAH: I'm gonna ambush Senator Jankow today. He chairs a committee. (Booth leans against the doorway to look back at Hannah, who is wearing a see-through lace blouse.) BOOTH: You go like that, he'll tell you anything you want to know. (Hannah chuckles, turns around and accidentally trips. A framed picture of Booth and PARKER falls to the ground and the glass breaks. Hannah picks it up and sits on the bed.) HANNAH: Oh god. I'm sorry. (Booth sits down beside her.) BOOTH: Don't worry about it. It's okay. HANNAH: I told you I'm not very good with kids. BOOTH: You're great with everybody, okay? And I'll tell you what, Parker can't wait to meet you. HANNAH: Really? BOOTH: Yeah, really. HANNAH: I'd feel more comfortable if he was a crooked senator. I know how to deal with that. (Booth's cellphone rings.) BOOTH: Oh, work. (He answers) Booth. Oh yeah, okay. I'm on my way. (Hangs up the phone and picks up his suit jacket from the bed) 'K, gotta go. Got a case. (He kisses Hannah and points to the frame) Don't worry about that, all right? EXT. CRIME SCENE - DAY (f*re fighters and police are working to free the body from the melted truck. Booth and BRENNAN are speaking with the ARSON INVESTIGATOR. ) ARSON INVESTIGATOR: Call came in at six a.m. Passing motorist called 911, said she saw a ball of f*re on the side of the road. BRENNAN: Where's the point of ignition? ARSON INVESTIGATOR: There is none. BRENNAN: As an arson investigator, you should know that every f*re has a point of ignition. ARSON INVESTIGATOR: Not if it was h*t by an asteroid. BRENNAN: Even an asteroid with the diameter as small as five metres would leave a huge crater. (Points to the ground) There's no crater. ARSON INVESTIGATOR: (To Booth) She serious? BOOTH: Always. (To Brennan) Bones, that was a joke, 'k? The whole asteroid thing was a joke. BRENNAN: Oh! That's amusing because it's such an absurd theory. (She punches the arson investigator on the shoulder) Good one. BOOTH: Check this out, Bones. VIN plate. Digits are missing. BRENNAN: I'll give it to Angela, see what she can do. (To the arson investigator) This white powder. I assume it's residue from f*re ret*rd used to control the blaze although (continues with a smile) it could be the remnants of a highly localized blizzard. (Laughs while the arson investigator and Booth look at her strangely) The likelihood of a blizzard is even more remote than an asteroid hitting the Earth. Do you get it? ARSON INVESTIGATOR: (Ignores Brennan's joke) It's not ret*rd. By the time the f*re fighters arrived on scene, the blaze had b*rned itself out. BRENNAN: Then I'll need to bag the powder for Hodgins to analyse. (The f*re fighters finally manage to remove the roof of the truck to reveal the bones of the victim.) BRENNAN: Oh. BOOTH: Wow, this is a first. Melted bones. BRENNAN: No, not possible. Bones don't melt. BOOTH: You know, usually I defer all things bones to you but, you know, I've cooked with a lot of cheese. That is melting. INT. JEFFERSONIAN - FORENSIC PLATFORM (CAM is looking at x-rays while Brennan is inspecting the body. HODGINS enters.) HODGINS: Woah, look at that! BRENNAN: You're excited about the decedent, Dr. Hodgins? HODGINS: Sure! Booth said the dude melted into the truck. CAM: At this point, we haven't been able to determine gender. BRENNAN: And bones don't melt, Dr. Hodgins. The melting process represents a change of state from a solid to a liquid, an impossibility with bones. HODGINS: I know but they sure appear to be melted. CAM: But how? I haven't seen a f*re hot enough to do this. BRENNAN: (Hands Hodgins a bag of the white powder) Found at the scene. A light dusting over most of the wreckage. It could give us cause of death. CAM: I think I found that. (Cam walks over to the bones and points to a b*llet lodged into one of the bones.) BRENNAN: Oh. HODGINS: A b*llet. CAM: We presumed the victim died in a f*re. BRENNAN: But he was sh*t in the chest. HODGINS: Melted. (Brennan gives him a look) Sorry, but I don't know any other word for it. OPENING CREDITS ACT TWO INT. JEFFERSONIAN - FORENSIC PLATFORM (DAISY and Cam are wearing protective gear while Cam is spraying the bones with liquid nitrogen.) DAISY: I can do this! It was my idea to remove the bones with liquid nitrogen and the FBI is giving me the psych evaluation so I can get security clearance to work unsupervised. CAM: But, you don't have that clearance yet and this is very expensive equipment, which I am responsible for. DAISY: You just think it's cool. CAM: Maybe. DAISY: Careful not to saturate any particular section. Too much nitric oxide can cause the bones to fracture. CAM: I know, Ms. Wick. DAISY: Is the psych evaluation intimidating? I mean, was it difficult for you to pass it? CAM: Perhaps you could focus on how we're going to identify the victim. DAISY: There's no flesh so that rules out fingerprints and since the skull appears melted, we can discount facial reconstruction and dental comparisons. Maybe I could think a little clearer if I was using the equipment? (Cam gives her a look) Please? I already have the gear on. CAM: (Sighs) Okay. Just once. (She hands Daisy the nozzle) But, be careful! DAISY: Since you've become a mom, you're a lot less trusting. (Daisy squeals as the spray starts) INT. JEFFERSONIAN - ANGELA'S OFFICE (ANGELA has the truck's plates on the Angelatron while video conferring with Booth, who is in his office at the FBI.) ANGELA: So, I've been working on the VIN number. BOOTH: Oh, good. I hope. ANGELA: Yeah, well, I etched it with hydrochloric acid, cupric chloride, and distilled water. BOOTH: Yada yada yada. Okay, say something that's gonna make me happy. ANGELA: Well, a little happy, a little sad. I was able to restore the last four digits but that's it. INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS - BOOTH'S OFFICE BOOTH: Well, based on the truck's rear axle, it was a nine-inch Dana Spicer model - American-made pick-up from '94 to '02. ANGELA: Yada yada. BOOTH: Well, with your four numbers, I should be able to get a match from the DMV. Thanks for making me happy. ANGELA: You got it. (Booth closes the conversation. SWEETS has entered his office.) BOOTH: Do you ever knock? SWEETS: I got a message you wanted to see me. BOOTH: Yeah, actually. Have a seat. (Sweets sits.) I need your professional opinion on a personal matter. SWEETS: This is a rare moment. Is it about Dr. Brennan and Hannah? BOOTH: No. Sorry to disappoint. SWEETS: Okay. Sorry. Shouldn't have jumped the g*n. Go ahead. BOOTH: It's about Parker. Parker didn't like Hannah. SWEETS: Oh. BOOTH: Yeah, right? SWEETS: I understand your concern. When did they meet? BOOTH: No, they haven't, you know, he stays with me on the weekends when she's not around. He knows that we're dating so last weekend, at breakfast, I ask him if he wants some chocolate milk. He looks at me, he goes, "Daddy, I hate your new girlfriend". SWEETS: Did you ask him why? BOOTH: No, I didn't, it was awkward. He went back to watching cartoons. I mean, the point is, like, they have to meet sometime, right? SWEETS: Well, yeah, if your relationship with Hannah is serious then - BOOTH: - It is serious. SWEETS: I wasn't questioning that - BOOTH: - It sounded like you were. SWEETS: No, I wasn't. BOOTH: Well, it's serious. SWEETS: Then they have to meet. Parker could be angry because he senses how much Hannah means to you and feels that you don't want him to meet her. BOOTH: But I do, I just want it to be right. I want it to be a perfect time. SWEETS: Right, do you think there is such a thing? BOOTH: Enough with the questions, all right? Just earn your coin and tell me what to do. SWEETS: Accept that you're entering a situation where the outcome is uncertain. The only thing certain is your love for your son and his trust in you. If you trust him as much and trust Hannah, then, it might take a little time but I think the three of you should be fine. BOOTH: Fine. (Sweets smiles. Booth points a finger at him.) If you're wrong about this, you're paying. INT. JEFFERSONIAN (Daisy and Hodgins are walking onto the forensic platform) DAISY: That white powder is magnesium oxide, isn't it? HODGINS: (He swipes his access card) Yeah, how did you know? DAISY: As you saw, the victim's bones appeared to have melted which is not possible. HODGINS: Right, because... DAISY and HODGINS: (Simultaneously) ... bones don't melt. DAISY: Exactly. But, magnesium burns hot and fast. If the bones were exposed to a magnesium f*re, which b*rned between 15 and 45 minutes, at a temperature of 500 degrees Celsius then - HODGINS: ... the biogenetic composition and structure of the bone mineral would have crystallized and the bones would appear as if they had melted! (They walk off the forensic platform after Hodgins notes something down on a clipboard) DAISY: Yes. Although, I thought of it first, if anyone from the FBI should ask. (They continue walking into...) INT. JEFFERSONIAN - OOKEY ROOM HODGINS: Really? But for magnesium to ignite, it needs to be wet first. So, last night, when the mass spec identified magnesium, I checked the meteorological charts (he pulls up the information on the computer) a light rain fell last night in the vicinity where the body was found and I believe I thought of that first but then, I am King of the Lab and you? You are my serf. INT. JESSE'S CHOPPER SHOP (Booth is walking through the shop. He turns off RANDY SIMINOFF'S equipment to catch his attention.) RANDY SIMINOFF: (Takes off welding helmut) What the - BOOTH: (Flashes his badge) FBI. Looking for Jesse Wilson. RANDY SIMINOFF: Jesse's in the back. BOOTH: (Gestures to a garbage bin) Any chance those are magnesium scraps? RANDY SIMINOFF: Yeah, we use cast magnesium discs in the wheels, why? BOOTH: I don't know. Just got a thing for magnesium, that's all. (Booth continues walking. Stops when he sees JESSE WILSON.) BOOTH: (Flashes his badge) Jesse Wilson? JESSE WILSON: Yeah. BOOTH: FBI, Agent Booth. JESSE WILSON: Can I help you? BOOTH: Yeah, you missing a truck, Jesse? JESSE WILSON: No. BOOTH: Well, we found a burnt truck registered to your company's name with a d*ad body in the driver's seat with a b*llet in his chest. JESSE WILSON: Was the truck haulin' magnesium? BOOTH: And if it was? JESSE WILSON: Then the driver was George Lyford, an employee. Didn't show up this morning. He's d*ad? BOOTH: As d*ad as d*ad could be. JESSE WILSON: Poor bastard was having money problems. So, I gave him those mag scraps so he could make a few extra bucks at the recycling plant. BOOTH: Magnesium, that's expensive stuff. You just gave it to him, just like that, 'cause you're a nice guy? JESSE WILSON: Yeah, we've been friends since high school. Never done anything for a friend in need? BOOTH: That tattoo you have on your inside forearm - that military? JESSE WILSON: Yeah. Patton's Third Army. My granddaddy k*lled a bunch of n*zi in World w*r II. He was a real hero. BOOTH: Right. He teach you how to f*re a g*n? Your friend, George, there, he was k*lled by a 9 mm slug. I checked the registry and you own a German Luger - nine millimetre. They used those g*n in WWII, right? JESSE WILSON: I don't like your implication. BOOTH: I can only imagine, I mean, you see your old friend stealing your magnesium and loading it into your truck. You follow him and - JESSE WILSON: - I gave him those scraps 'cause his wife was raggin' on him to bring in more money. Now, ou can either arrest me or you get the hell out of my shop. BOOTH: Right. (Booth leaves.) INT. JEFFERSONIAN - BONE ROOM (Daisy is examining the bones. Brennan walks in and clears her throat.) DAISY: I was looking at the b*llet trauma again. Our initial presumption was not correct. The b*llet was not cause of death. BRENNAN: Your evidence, Ms. Wick. DAISY: Well, on the x-ray, it appeared the b*llet was embedded quite deeply into the sternum. But, after my excellent observation that magnesium caused the bones to crystallize and thus only appear to be melted, I re-examined the point of entry. (Daisy enlarges the x-ray on the screen.) BRENNAN: The b*llet only penetrated a few millimetres. DAISY: Not enough to cause death or even incapacitation. BRENNAN: So, the bone warped around the b*llet because of the extreme heat of the magnesium f*re. Very good. DAISY: I know. You'll put in a good word for me with the FBI, won't you? For my clearance? BRENNAN: It's a psych evaluation. I'm of no value when it comes to that. DAISY: That's true. BRENNAN: So, if the b*llet didn't k*ll him, how did it get there? DAISY: Perhaps it was sh*t from a great distance so the impact wasn't sufficient to be fatal? (Cam enters.) CAM: Booth talked to the owner of the truck, Jesse Wilson. Wilson ID'd the victim as George Lyford. BRENNAN: We'll get Lyford's medical records and confirm. CAM: Wilson claims the victim had been fighting with his wife about money. One week ago, the wife took out an insurance policy on George's life. DAISY: Oh my god. The wife totally torched him! (Brennan gives her a look.) I was just trying to go with my gut. It's an FBI thing. ACT THREE INT. HIGH SCHOOL (Booth and Brennan are standing outside KATHY LYFORD'S classroom, where she has detention duty.) BOOTH: That's Kathy Lyford, the victim's wife. She has detention duty for another hour, so... BRENNAN: I was once placed in detention for calling my science teacher a fool. BOOTH: You can't do that, Bones. BRENNAN: Booth, he was trying to teach quantum mechanics without even a rudimentary understanding of Planck's constant. What would you have called him? BOOTH: You have every right. I didn't know the details, I'm sorry. (Kathy Lyford looks up from her desk and sees Booth and Brennan through the window. Booth holds up his badge and taps the glass.) BOOTH: FBI. I need to talk to you for one second. (Randy Siminoff turns around in his seat. He turns to Brennan.) Woah, do you see that kid right there in the red hat? I saw him at the chopper shop. I tell you what, when I talk to Kathy out here, you go in there and talk to him. BRENNAN: No. Teenagers are dull-witted and very difficult to talk to. BOOTH: Sorry, Bones, but you're all I got, okay? I can't go in there and question him - you know, I need a parent or an advocate but you're not law enforcement (whispers the last part because Kathy Lyford is making her way out) so you can ask anything that you want. (Kathy Lyford opens the door.) KATHY LYFORD: Can I help you guys? BOOTH: Yeah, (shows his badge) FBI. We just have to ask you a few questions, if you don't mind. KATHY LYFORD: Of course. (Kathy Lyford and Booth leave and Brennan enters the classroom.) INT. HIGH SCHOOL - CLASSROOM (Seated are RANDY SIMINOFF, PAUL LINOTO, JILL MACINTOSH, and AMBER FLAIRE. Amber is sitting on Randy's lap.) JILL MACINTOSH: You the sub? BRENNAN: No. I'm a forensic anthropologist. And, for the record, I'm totally against detention as a form of juvenile punishment. PAUL LINOTO: Yeah, if I wanna smoke, it's none of Big Brother's business. BRENNAN: Oh, your big brother attends this school. PAUL LINOTO: I'm talking about the teachers. We have rights. I take American History so I know. JILL MACINTOSH: They try to control everything we do, you know, like we're still kids or something. BRENNAN: You are certainly not kids. You've probably been menstruating for several years. In many primitive cultures, you'd be responsible for children of your own by now. JILL MACINTOSH: Hm. You're cool. BRENNAN: I am? AMBER FLAIRE: Yeah, maybe you can help get me out of here. I don't even know why I'm here in the first place. JILL MACINTOSH: You cheated on the chem. test. AMBER FLAIRE: I'm from a broken home. That's gotta count for something. BRENNAN: Well, what about you, sir? (She points to Randy) Why are you here? (Randy scoffs.) AMBER FLAIRE: Randy doesn't talk much. PAUL LINOTO: The dude downloaded p*rn on the library computer. AMBER FLAIRE: You're a little horn dog, aren't you? You know, I have a better way to make you unzip your pants. (Amber rips open the zipper of his jeans. He pushes her off.) RANDY SIMINOFF: Damn it, Amber! (The other students laugh.) BRENNAN: As adolescents, your decision-making process is compromised by hormonal changes. You can hardly be held accountable for your behaviour. (To Randy) You work repairing motorcycles, don't you? (Randy gets up and leaves without answering.) AMBER FLAIRE: Told you he didn't like to talk. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY KATHY LYFORD: (Crying) Are you sure it's George? BOOTH: Yeah, I'm sure. KATHY LYFORD: Okay, I gotta go. I should call his parents. (She starts to walk off but Booth stops her.) BOOTH: Kathy, uh, last week - you took out a real expensive life insurance policy on your husband. KATHY LYFORD: So? BOOTH: I think you know what I'm suggesting here. KATHY LYFORD: Wait. That - that policy was George's idea. Okay? We've been trying to have a baby and if something happened to him, he wanted to make sure that we were okay. BOOTH: Your husband didn't come home last night; you don't find that odd? KATHY LYFORD: I was on a field trip with my students in Mt. Vernon. I wasn't even going to see him until tonight. BOOTH: I see. KATHY LYFORD: I had no reason to believe he was missing, okay? I love my husband. I will - I will do anything to help your investigation. BOOTH: Good. I'd like you to come along with me for further questioning. KATHY LYFORD: Fine. INT. JEFFERSONIAN - BONE ROOM (Daisy and Hodgins are discussing the victim.) DAISY: I extracted the b*llet from the victim's sternum. I assumed he was sh*t. HODGINS: Logical assumption. DAISY: But, there are no striations on it. HODGINS: Which means it wasn't fired from a g*n. DAISY: So, how would it have wound up embedded in his chest? HODGINS: You suggesting I conduct an experiment? DAISY: My idea, so, you have to let me help, right? (Sees the look Hodgins gives her and adds) Your highness. (Hodgins smiles and starts to walk out.) INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS - BOOTH'S OFFICE (Booth is sitting at his desk and Hannah walks in.) HANNAH: Hey. (Shows him the picture she dropped, now in a new frame) I hope the frame's okay. (Booth gets up) BOOTH: Look at that. That's great. HANNAH: You two look so much alike and the world is better for it. (Hannah hands him the picture) BOOTH: I want you to meet him. HANNAH: (Surprised) You sure? BOOTH: You don't wanna meet him? HANNAH: Of course. But - BOOTH: - What? HANNAH: When I told you I wasn't very good with kids... that's true. I don't wanna mess anything up between you and your son. BOOTH: Look, I love you, all right? He's gonna love you, too. (He walks around his desk to stand in front of Hannah) And don't think of him as a kid; just think of him as a short guy who's not allowed to drink. HANNAH: What if he hates me? BOOTH: That's impossible. INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS - INTERROGATION ROOM (Sweets is talking to Kathy Lyford) KATHY LYFORD: Look, I already told that Booth guy that George and I were in debt. Why do I have to keep going through this? SWEETS: Well, the FBI feels that I could provide a different perspective. KATHY LYFORD: You're a shrink. You guys make things up. I don't have to say anything, you know SWEETS: I know but cooperating would certainly help your situation. So, you and your husband, you fought over money. KATHY LYFORD: Like any couple, sure. SWEETS: These are, uh, credit card statements (he holds up some papers) from the past year. I see you liked buying things off infomercials. KATHY LYFORD: Well, you can get good deals on TV because they buy in bulk. SWEETS: Gotcha. You also like online auctions... oh! I see you bought Star Wars trading cards. KATHY LYFORD: Yeah. Growing up, me and my brothers were all fans of 'The Force'. SWEETS: I understand. I'm a Star Warrior, myself. (He clears his throat and imitates C3PO) 'Don't you call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight glob of grease'. KATHY LYFORD: Excuse me? SWEETS: C3PO. I sounded just like him. From Star Wars? That's, like, the most quoted line in the movie. KATHY LYFORD: Yeah, of course. SWEETS: Can you explain to me why you spent $500 on a Jedi Knight trading card with a red border when it's value was less than a dollar? KATHY LYFORD: I don't know. I guess I made a mistake. SWEETS: What about the, uh, Clone Wars card you bought last month? Again, you spent $500 but you could probably find it right now online for fifty cents. KATHY LYFORD: Look, when I get stressed, I shop. You don't have to make it into a big deal. SWEETS: I'm not making this into anything it's not. I assure you. KATHY LYFORD: Okay. EXT. STREET - DAY (Booth and Brennan are walking towards the Royal Diner.) BOOTH: So, Hannah's gonna meet Parker tomorrow. BRENNAN: You don't sound happy about that. BOOTH: No, I am, it's gonna be great. It's gonna be really good - I just, I'm a little worried, you know. BRENNAN: Because your loyalty lies with Parker and if he doesn't accept Hannah, you may lose the woman you love. BOOTH: It's not that simple, Bones. BRENNAN: I suppose not. You could send him off to boarding school; that's what the English have done for many generations. BOOTH: Boarding school? I'm not sending him to boarding school. BRENNAN: Then, I wouldn't worry if I were you. BOOTH: No? BRENNAN: Won't do you any good. If your relationship falls apart, worrying won't salvage it. BOOTH: Oh, thanks, Bones. I appreciate it. BRENNAN: Of course. (Sweets runs across the street to catch up to Booth and Brennan. They enter the diner together.) SWEETS: Kathy Lyford spent thousands of dollars buying Star Wars trading cards online. BOOTH: So? I had an aunt who spent every last dime on old-fashioned cookie jars. What's this have to do with our case? (They sit down at the counter and pick up menus.) SWEETS: Yeah, but there are hundreds of online merchants that sell Star Wars trading cards. Kathy bought all of her cards from the same person at grossly inflated prices. BOOTH: So you're thinking that she was somehow laundering money through that online merchant? (Sweets nods.) BRENNAN: So, she was paying inflated prices for relatively worthless merchandise. SWEETS: Yeah, that's exactly what I'm thinking. Kathy bought all of her cards from a seller named Vader649. BOOTH: I'll tell you what. I'll get a subpoena for the identity of this Vader649. Good work, Sweets (Booth punches him on the shoulder). SWEETS: Yeah, it was, wasn't it? Job well done. Well, you know... INT. JEFFERSONIAN - OOKEY ROOM (Daisy and Hodgins are setting up the experiment.) HODGINS: 9 mm b*llet is on the magnesium. Now, I can see if the f*re would be enough to set it off. DAISY: Proving that he was sh*t by amm*nit*on that was stored in the car. HODGINS: Yeah, which would explain the lack of striations. DAISY: A simple yet elegant thesis. HODGINS: Now, the mist simulates a light rain (he sprays water onto the magnesium strip) because water is needed to ignite the magnesium. DAISY: And, although the magnesium can be ignited by heat from the rising sun, I'll use these burners to save us some time. HODGINS: Here. (Hands daisy protective goggles) Given the fluorescent spectrometry of magnesium, you're gonna need those. All right. Any second now. DAISY: Let's crank these suckers up. (Daisy turns up the burners and seconds later, the b*llet goes off.) HODGINS: Ow! DAISY: (Turns off the burners) Oh, are you okay? HODGINS: You sh*t me! DAISY: Well, technically, no. The b*llet is in the backstop. You were struck by the b*llet casing because we failed to account for Newton's Third Law of Motion: "For every action, there's..." HODGINS: "...an equal and opposite reaction." I know. Now, can you please go get me a first aid kit?! DAISY: Oh, yes, of course! (She starts to run off but then turns around) Dr. Hodgins! Our experiment was a success, wasn't it? (She slaps him on his arm... the same one that got sh*t) HODGINS: Ow! Go! FBI HEADQUARTERS - INTERROGATION ROOM (Sweets is interrogating Paul Linoto. A child advocate, MS. HANOVER, is sitting beside him.) SWEETS: Paul, we know that you're Vader649. PAUL LINOTO: So? Is there a law against using that screen name? SWEETS: No, I'm actually more interested in the fact that you were suspended for fighting, bullying - MS. HANOVER: - As his advocate, I have to object, Dr. Sweets. SWEETS: Okay, I assure you that I am as concerned with Paul's welfare as you are. If he's in trouble, he needs help. PAUL LINOTO: I didn't do anything wrong. SWEETS: You've been selling Star Wars cards to your teacher, haven't you? PAUL LINOTO: Yeah. Capitalism is king, right? SWEETS: Well, she's been paying you a lot more than they were worth. A lot more. Over $3000 on worthless cards. Mrs. Lyford was paying you for something else, wasn't she? MS. HANOVER: Don't answer that. SWEETS: If he can offer an explanation, it could help him 'cause right now the FBI thinks that Mrs. Lyford paid you to k*ll her husband. MS. HANOVER: Paul, not another word. ACT FOUR INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS - INTERROGATION ROOM (Sweets is interrogating Kathy Lyford, again.) SWEETS: You were paying Paul Linoto $500 a month for worthless trading cards. Now, I don't wanna make this more than it is but it looks pretty bad without any help from me. KATHY LYFORD: Okay, look, I admit that I was paying him for something. I couldn't afford the cash and it was a way to charge it. SWEETS: The FBI thinks that you were charging $500 a month, on your credit card, as payment for Paul to m*rder your husband so you could get a nice payout from his life insurance policy. KATHY LYFORD: God, no, I wouldn't do that, no. SWEETS: No? Okay. Why were you paying him? KATHY LYFORD: I was having an affair, okay? Paul caught us together and he was blackmailing me. He said I had to pay him $500 a month or he was gonna tell my husband. SWEETS: It's amazing how complicated deceitful relationships can get, isn't it? I'll need to know who you were sleeping with. KATHY LYFORD: Is that really necessary? I mean, it's just gonna hurt more people. SWEETS: If you didn't m*rder your husband, yeah, it's very necessary. KATHY LYFORD: He's one of my students. His name is Randy Siminoff. George got him a job working at Jesse's Chopper Shop. SWEETS: He's a student? How old is he? KATHY LYFORD: 17. Look, I know it was stupid. Are you gonna file charges against me? SWEETS: That's up to the D.A. KATHY LYFORD: I loved my husband, Dr. Sweets. Me and Randy just sort of happened but I am a good teacher. SWEETS: No. No, actually, you're not. Does Randy love you? KATHY LYFORD: I don't know. I don't... SWEETS: He's young, Mrs. Lyford. Too young to deal with the situation you put him in. You know, it's possible he thought if he k*lled your husband, you two could be together more permanently. KATHY LYFORD: God. I... SWEETS: Yeah. You're really not a good teacher at all. (Sweets gets up and leaves.) INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS - SWEETS' OFFICE (Sweets is on his computer when there is a knock at the door.) SWEETS: Yup. DAISY: Hi Lance. SWEETS: I thought you were my three o'clock. You know, I have a patient coming. DAISY: I'll be quick. I'm having my psych evaluation later. SWEETS: I know. I normally do them but I recused myself. DAISY: Because we still have feelings? SWEETS: Yes. DAISY: That's nice. SWEETS: I know. DAISY: The feelings. Not the recusing. SWEETS: It's only ethical for me to recuse myself. DAISY: No. It's hurtful, too. SWEETS: What're you driving at, Miss Daisy? DAISY: What's on the test, Lance? SWEETS: No. I can't tell you that. DAISY: But you know I'm brilliant at my job and you know that people have a tendency to... misjudge me. SWEETS: Yeah. DAISY: Because they don't know me like you do. And it wouldn't be fair for me to lose my security clearance because of that. (She steps closer to him and places her hands on his shoulder) Lancelot doesn't want Miss Daisy to lose the job she loves, does he? SWEETS: No, of course not but, you know, it wouldn't be ethical for me to help you. DAISY: Okay. SWEETS: Okay? (She kisses him.) DAISY: I'll probably find another job.... SWEETS: Ohh. DAISY: ...somewhere. Probably. SWEETS: Ohh. (Sighs) Okay, we can discuss the test but I'm not gonna give you the answers. DAISY: Oh, Lancelot! (They kiss but pull away when there is a sudden knock at the door.) SWEETS: Oh, so thank you. Okay, that'll be it for today. I, uh, I will schedule our next appointment soon? DAISY: Yes, doctor. Thank you, doctor. SWEETS: You're welcome, patient. (Daisy leaves and closes the door behind her. Sweets sits down with his next patient.) SWEETS: So, Agent Coors, I hope, uh, the books I gave you on multiple personality disorder helped. (The agent shrugs) Okay. INT. JEFFERSONIAN - ANGELA'S OFFICE (Angela has the x-ray of the twisted bones up on the Angelatron. She is speaking with Brennan.) ANGELA: So, after I scanned in all the bones, I remembered Girolamo Cardano. BRENNAN: The 16th century Italian mathematician and anatomist? ANGELA: Yeah, that's the guy. He developed a series of mathematical equations to describe the skeletal system. So, programming the equations into the computer, I was able to reconstruct the skeletal system - the same way a forensic architect could reconstruct a collapsed building. BRENNAN: You straightened out the bones? ANGELA: I sure did. Check this out. (Angela presses a button and the twisted bones on the screen become straightened out again!) BRENNAN: Amazing. ANGELA: Now, there are marks on the victim's ileum. BRENNAN: I don't believe an injury at that location would be fatal. But, a nicked mandible could be, especially if the carotid was transected. The victim would've bled out. ANGELA: And we'd have cause of death. BRENNAN: Based on the wound tract which narrows to a point, we're looking at a Kn*fe. ANGELA: So, he was s*ab. BRENNAN: Daisy will need to find the actual warped bone so she can swab the wound for trace from the m*rder w*apon. ANGELA: No problem. (Angela twists the bones back to the original configuration and locates where the bone actually is.) That's the one. EXT. PARK - DAY (Booth, Parker, and Hannah sit in uncomfortable silence on the park bench. Parker is bouncing a basketball on the spot.) BOOTH: Okay, oh! (He grabs the basketball away from Parker) So, uh, hey Hannah here was in a real, live camel race. Why don't you tell him all about it. HANNAH: I almost won but the camel stopped right before the finish line. He decided to take a nap. Right there. On the racetrack. BOOTH: That's funny, isn't it? PARKER: Can I go sh**t some baskets? (He takes the ball back from Booth) BOOTH: No, you can't sh**t some baskets right now. Listen, hey, tell her about your science fair at school. He came in second. PARKER: Do I have to? BOOTH: Yeah, tell her about the volcano you made. It was so cool! We built that- HANNAH: (Interrupts) Seeley, can I talk to you for a sec? BOOTH: Yeah. (Hannah and Booth take a few steps away.) HANNAH: (Sighs) This isn't working. BOOTH: All right, just give him a minute. He just needs time to warm-up. HANNAH: Give me a few minutes. Alone. Look, I'm taking your advice. He's just a short guy who can't drink. BOOTH: Look, I didn't want this to be... HANNAH: I'm a journalist. I've cracked tougher nuts than Parker. BOOTH: Right. HANNAH: 'Kay? (The two of them walk back to Parker.) BOOTH: All right, tell you what, I gotta go get my phone from the car, okay? Stay here with Hannah. (Hannah sits down and Parker immediately scoots further away from her.) HANNAH: You don't know who I am so you don't trust me. Maybe you hate me a little. Or even a lot. I might be trying to steal your dad. Wouldn't it be better if you knew for sure what was going on? So you have a real reason to hate me? So, here I am. Just ask me anything you want, anything at all. PARKER: (After a pause) Were you really on a camel? HANNAH: Yes. PARKER: Do you sleep with my dad? HANNAH: Yes. PARKER: If you got married, what would I have to call you? HANNAH: Hannah. That's my name. PARKER: Would you have kids? HANNAH: No. There are children already in this world who need good homes. If I decided to have a child, I'd adopt one of those kids. PARKER: That's a good answer. HANNAH: I thought so, too. PARKER: Do you like dogs or cats? HANNAH: Dogs. PARKER: Burgers or hotdogs? HANNAH: Both. PARKER: What's your favourite ice cream? HANNAH: Chocolate. PARKER: I like strawberry. (A b*at, then) Do you have any questions for me? HANNAH: What's your middle name? PARKER: Matthew. HANNAH: Would you ever wanna ride a camel? PARKER: Sure. I'm a kid. HANNAH: What's your favourite TV show? PARKER: The Wizards of Waverly Place. When the dad married the mom, he had to give up his magical powers. I would never give up my magical powers for a girl. HANNAH: I don't blame you. (She moves a little closer to Parker and this time, he doesn't move away) Why didn't you win first place in your science fair? PARKER: 'Cause Ben Bradley cheated and his dad did his entire project for him. They used a potato to turn on a light bulb. HANNAH: Creep. PARKER: Totally. HANNAH: (About the basketball) Can I see that? (Parker tosses it to her) How do I do that... spin-y thing? (She attempts to twirl the ball on her finger) PARKER: Wait, no. HANNAH: Aw. How's that? PARKER: You have to spin it faster. (Parker shows Hannah and Booth smiles as he watches from afar.) ACT FIVE INT. BOOTH'S CAR - DAY (Booth and Brennan are driving to the high school.) BRENNAN: I didn't get Randy Siminoff to talk before but now that I know that he has a preference for more mature, teacher types, perhaps I can charm him. BOOTH: Hey, hey, hey, no and no. BRENNAN: You don't think that I would appeal to him? BOOTH: What? No, of course you would. BRENNAN: Thank you. BOOTH: Yeah. BRENNAN: Because I'm cool, you know. The delinquents told me that and Parker said I was too - when I did the cannonball into the pool, do you remember that? BOOTH: Yes, I do, I do. You drenched my meatball sandwich, how could I forget. (They laugh.) BRENNAN: How did it go with Hannah and Parker, by the way? Did they meet? BOOTH: Yeah, yeah, it was good. I mean, I'm telling you, she really is amazing with him. BRENNAN: Why wouldn't she be? Everyone loves her. BOOTH: Right? Yeah, I think it's gonna work out. BRENNAN: I'm glad. The three of you can come over and swim any time you like. BOOTH: Okay. BRENNAN: I know how much Parker loves the pool. BOOTH: Great, thanks. (Super awkward looks and silence follows.) BRENNAN: So, how are we gonna get Randy to talk? BOOTH: Ah, we might not have to yet. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY (Students are lining the hall as Booth and Brennan open Randy Siminoff's locker.) BOOTH: Since there's no right to privacy on campus, we have the authority to look in his locker. Maybe there's a journal or some kind of note. (Brennan puts on some gloves and starts to r*fle through the locker.) BRENNAN: Well, there's this. (She brandishes a Kn*fe) (Students murmur and Randy Siminoff rushes at Paul Linoto.) BOOTH: Hey, hey! (Booth holds Randy back) All right, Bones, let's call the child advocate. She's got a new client. INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS - SWEETS' OFFICE (Sweets and Daisy are sitting on the couch.) SWEETS: Okay, the way it works is that in these psychological tests, there are a number of crucial questions. DAISY: Crucial, yes. SWEETS: The rest hardly matter. Now, the computer looks at the questions to see if any of the answers set off alarm bells. DAISY: Your abilities are so wide-ranging with your insights and applicable real-world know-how. SWEETS: Now, I'm not gonna give you any of the answers. We don't wanna cheat. DAISY: No. SWEETS: Just forewarned is forearmed. DAISY: Absolutely. SWEETS: Okay. For example, if one of the questions were to be: What is your favourite colour? DAISY: Oh! Anything in the 630 to 740 nanometre range. SWEETS: Which would be... DAISY: Red! (Sweets shakes his head) Red is bad. (Sweets nods) What's good? SWEETS: Cheating, Daisy. DAISY: Um, something in the 520 to 570 nanometre range? (Sweets shrugs) That's green. SWEETS: Green! Okay, good, green is good. All right, next question: What is your favourite number? DAISY: (Shrugs) Either of Feigenbaum's constants. SWEETS: Try to think of an actual recognizable number between one and ten. DAISY: No, in that case, the question should be: What's your favourite numeral. SWEETS: Two. Say two. DAISY: We're cheating now? SWEETS: Yeah. Are you in a committed, monogamous relationship? DAISY: Yes. SWEETS: Good. DAISY: That wasn't on the test, was it? You just wanna know if I'm faithful. SWEETS: No, it was on the test but I'm glad. DAISY: You know why your name is Sweets? SWEETS: Why? DAISY: Because you're so sweet. SWEETS: Aw. (She leans over to kiss him and her eyes look down at the paper.) SWEETS: (Breaks the kiss and pulls the test away) Are you trying to cheat? DAISY: It was a glance, that's all! I... but... next question. (Sweets' cellphone rings.) SWEETS: Hold on. (Checks his phone) Sorry, Agent Booth needs me. DAISY: Sure! I'll wait here, look over the questions. SWEETS: No, you don't need to. You'll be fine. DAISY: But... SWEETS: Trust me, Miss Daisy. You'll be fine. (He gets up to leave.) INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS - INTERROGATION ROOM (Sweets is interrogating Randy Siminoff with Ms. Hanover, the child advocate.) RANDY SIMINOFF: Yeah, I was having sex with Mrs. Lyford but it was - it was no big deal. SWEETS: While your peers might think that having sex with an adult is a kind of a victory, it's still abusive and the psychological damage can be significant. MS. HANOVER: Dr. Sweets, where is this going? SWEETS: As his child advocate, I think you would know, Ms. Hanover. Studies show that as the relationship fails, the student often feels powerless and angry. Look, Agent Booth found a Kn*fe in your locker. George Lyford was k*lled with a Kn*fe. RANDY SIMINOFF: I brought it to school to pry open a dude's locker and shove in a d*ad trout. It was a prank. He started it when he put pepper spray in my gym shorts. SWEETS: Okay. Okay, let's get back to you and your teacher. Now, you claim it was just sex. You had no deeper feelings for her? RANDY SIMINOFF: That's right. SWEETS: But we have your cellphone records, Randy. You and Mrs. Lyford talked an average of two hours a day for the past three months. That doesn't sound like just sex. RANDY SIMINOFF: Okay, so I love her. I mean, why is that so crazy? She loves me, too. I could feel it. But, I didn't k*ll anyone, okay? I didn't have to. She would've left him. MS. HANOVER: Randy. Stop talking. SWEETS: Now, I understand that you're here to protect him but we need to know where Randy was two nights ago when George Lyford was k*lled. RANDY SIMINOFF: Home. Like every night. SWEETS: All right. Was anyone home with you? RANDY SIMINOFF: I live with my aunt but she works nights. (Shakes his head) She loves me, okay? I know that. She would've left him. INT. JEFFERSONIAN - OOKEY ROOM (Hodgins is showing Brennan results on his computer.) HODGINS: I got the swab results back. S.E.M. analysis says the m*rder w*apon was a Kn*fe made of carbon steel. BRENNAN: Which means it was forged prior to 1964. HODGINS: It also means that the Kn*fe you found in Randy's locker was not the m*rder w*apon. The Kn*fe that s*ab our victim was laminated in silver. BRENNAN: Why would you laminate a blade in silver? It's a soft metal. HODGINS: That's right. No one uses silver to laminate a blade... unless it's the Damascus blade. BRENNAN: You said that with a great dramatic flourish, please continue. HODGINS: h*tler had 30 Damascus blades hand-forged as presents for his top commanders. (He brings up pictures on the computer) Now, those knives were coveted by American GIs. Some of them were taken as souvenirs by soldiers in Patton's Third Army. BRENNAN: The owner of the Chopper Shop had a grandfather who served in Patton's - HODGINS with BRENNAN: (Simultaneously) - Third Army. HODGINS: Yeah, I know. The m*rder w*apon must've belonged to Jesse Wilson. ACT SIX INT. JESSE'S CHOPPER SHOP (Booth is talking to Jesse Wilson.) JESSE WILSON: What's this about? I told you about George, I helped. BOOTH: Right, I appreciate that. Now, maybe you can explain why George Lyford was k*lled with your Kn*fe. JESSE WILSON: Woah, slow down. You said George was sh*t. He was s*ab to death? BOOTH: s*ab, that's right. Patton's Third Army - grandfather brought back a Kn*fe from n*zi Germany, didn't he? JESSE WILSON: Yeah, it was awesome but it was stolen from my shop. BOOTH: That's pretty valuable to just leave lying around here, huh? JESSE WILSON: Valuable? I didn't know. I left it with the other stuff: the helmets, metals, badges... it's all gone now. The n*zi stuff, a bunch of my tools, and some chopper parts all jacked from my shop. BOOTH: When was that? Yesterday? JESSE WILSON: No. Six months ago. I filed a police report. I always suspected Randy's girlfriend but I didn't have any proof. BOOTH: Randy had a girlfriend. JESSE WILSON: (Shrugs) On again, off again. She's trouble. After the stuff was jacked, she didn't come around so much. BOOTH: Hm. INT. JEFFERSONIAN - BONE ROOM (Brennan is examining the bones on the exam table. Daisy walks in, excited.) DAISY: I've been approved! I passed my psychological evaluation. BRENNAN: An absurd and useless requirement. DAISY: I agree. But, when seen through Lance's eyes, psychology can be fascinating. BRENNAN: When asked what my favourite colour was, I responded something in the 520 to 570 nanometre range. (Laughs) They were baffled. Fools. DAISY: I agree but I'm glad I made the cut. I could be working here forever now. BRENNAN: Then, be useful. I'm examining the right ileum which, due to demineralization is now located where we'd normally find the ischial tuberosity. DAISY: Why are you examining the ileum? BRENNAN: (They walk over to look at the blown-up picture on the computer screen) Angela identified some faint impressions on the bone. They appear to be a sequence of dash marks. Upon further investigation, I realized there is a second sequence that converges with the first. DAISY: You think those marks are probative? BRENNAN: Not sure. (Prints out the picture on the screen) To the naked eye, these marks appear to be random (She takes a marker and starts to draw on the picture) but if I extrapolate like so... what could possibly form this shape on the ileum? DAISY: May I? I'm authorized to work on my own now. BRENNAN: Of course. DAISY: (She turns the picture upside down) Dr. Brennan, it's a zipper! BRENNAN: (Moves Daisy away to see for herself) An open zipper and the teeth are bent. It's been ripped open - I saw someone do this just yesterday. Very good work, Ms. Wick. DAISY: (Smiles) Well, that's what happens when you have the faith of the FBI behind you. (Sweets walk in and holds up Daisy's security badge.) SWEETS: Hi, I asked if I could deliver your ID card myself. DAISY: (Knocks over a tray in her excitement) Oh! (She runs over to hug Sweets) SWEETS: Congratulations. (Sweets and Daisy are about to kiss but then look over to see Brennan's disapproving look. They hug instead.) DAISY: (Pointing to the tray) I'll clean that up. SWEETS: Put it on! DAISY: Okay! EXT. CRIME SCENE - DAY (Booth, Brennan, Ms. Hanover, and Amber Flaire are looking at the melted truck.) MS. HANOVER: What are we doing out here, Agent Booth? BOOTH: Amber said she would do anything in order to cooperate with the investigation so we thought we would bring her here to the crime scene so she could explain some things. AMBER FLAIRE: Explain what? BRENNAN: We know it was you, Amber. We know you k*lled George Lyford. AMBER FLAIRE: That's crazy. BOOTH: We also know that you pawned some stolen tools from Jesse's Chopper Shop, you know, pawn shops - they keep records, too. AMBER FLAIRE: Well, Jesse cut Randy's pay so I figured out a way to make up the difference. BOOTH: Because he was your boyfriend? AMBER FLAIRE: So? BOOTH: You know, you didn't pawn everything, though, because we found this in your bedroom. BRENNAN: That's the m*rder w*apon, Amber. AMBER FLAIRE: He tried to r*pe me. That's why George drove me out here. BOOTH: No, you had the Kn*fe on you because you thought George would be angry enough to k*ll his wife. BRENNAN: That way, you could have Randy back but George wouldn't help you. BOOTH: So, you thought you could get revenge on Mrs. Lyford by having sex with her husband. BRENNAN: His zipper was ripped open the same way you ripped Randy's zipper in detention. BOOTH: George didn't want to have sex with you, Randy dumped you, George pushed you away so you just went bonkers and s*ab him with the Kn*fe. AMBER FLAIRE: Even if you can prove it, I'll be out in a year, tops. I'm just a kid from a broken home. INT. ROYAL DINER - NIGHT (Booth and Brennan are sitting at a table, eating and talking.) BRENNAN: So, what's going to happen with the teacher? BOOTH: The D.A.'s gonna press charges, she'll do time. BRENNAN: Really? BOOTH: Yeah, and then whatever you do, don't start telling me how natural it is what she did because the women in the Ramalamadingdong tribe liked to sleep with teenaged boys. BRENNAN: I wasn't. I think it's just that the teacher pay for her actions, no matter what other societies may accept. Although, I have no knowledge of the Ramalamadingdong tribe. BOOTH: Chief Shoobop-Shoobop invented rock-and-roll. (He smiles) BRENNAN: (Smiling) Oh, a joke! Very funny. Perhaps your chief knows Chief Polyphony of the Gavotte tribe. He invented Baroque music that always starts on the third b*at of the bar. (Brennan laughs and then so does Booth when he sees that Hannah and Parker have arrived. Parker is laughing, too.) BOOTH: There they are. Come on, kid. PARKER: Dad, we went to the zoo. They had camel rides. HANNAH: I was sure he'd ridden one before. He could be a jockey. BOOTH: The zoo, huh? What happened to just going to get ice cream? HANNAH: Yeah, yeah at the zoo. PARKER: We saw a lion pee for, like, ten minutes. BOOTH: Wow. BRENNAN: That would be physically impossible. An adult lion's bladder, when full, can hold approximately 1500 mL of urine. The bladder would completely empty in 37.5 seconds. PARKER: She says weird stuff like that all the time. She's cool. (Brennan smiles.) HANNAH: Yes. We're friends, actually. PARKER: She knows everything. Watch this. What animal farts the most? BOOTH: Hey, hey, hey. (Hannah laughs.) BRENNAN: The termite because of their diet and digestive process, they produce as much methane gas as human industry but you can't hear them. PARKER: Isn't she cool? HANNAH: Very. PARKER: We can go to her house and go swim. She can do a cannonball. HANNAH: Oh. PARKER: Hannah can come, can't she? BRENNAN: Sure. (Hannah and Brennan trade smiles.) BOOTH: Hey, kid. Hey, a little chocolate ice cream on the chin there, kid? (He tries to wipe it off of Parker) PARKER: (Smiling) Yeah, it's my new favourite flavour. BOOTH: Wow. (To Hannah) You're amazing. HANNAH: (Mouths) Thank you. (Booth and Hannah hold hands. Brennan sees and there's a look.) END.

{"type": "series", "show": "Bones", "episode": "06x08 - The Twisted Bones in the Melted Truck"}

foreverdreaming

[Scene: School Cafeteria. Cory walks to up a vending machine to get a snack, while Feeny retrieves coffee from the machine next to it.] Cory: Good morning, Mr. Feeny. (Puts money in machine and pushed button) Feeny: Morning, Mr. Matthews. (Cory pulls a candy bar from his machine) A candy bar? Doesn’t your mother feed you a proper breakfast? Cory: Oh yeah, she does. But I gotta get the taste of shredded wheat out of my mouth. (Opens candy bar) Feeny: Y’know, you’re not doing your body any favors loading up on junk like that. (Sips coffee) Cory: Oh, thanks, Mr. Feeny. And please enjoy that high-vitamin astronaut drink you’re sucking down. (Steps away) Feeny: There’s no gravity in space, Mr. Matthews, therefore astronauts suck up. Learn from them. (Walks away) (Cory walks over to a table where is friends, Shawn and Nicolas are sitting and joins them) Shawn: He’s a teacher, man. Keeping ragging on him, he’s gonna make your whole sixth grade year miserable. Cory: (Shrugs) I’m gonna be miserable anyhow, this way I’m taking him with me. Shawn: Hey, who’s that? (Looks to a table where Feeny is sitting with a younger, female teacher) Nicolas: I think she’s new. Shawn: She must be new, she’s talking to Feeny. Nicolas: (To Cory) Oky, so how late did you stay up last night? Cory: Monologue. Nicolas: Monologue, first guest. Shawn: Monologue, first guest, bad sketch. Cory: Monologue, first guest, bad sketch, funny zoo animal. Nicolas: Monologue, first guest, bad sketch, funny zoo animal… Steve Lawrence! Cory: Whoa! Shawn: Steve Lawrence! (Nicolas nods) (Bell rings) Shawn: (Stands with friends) And there’s the bell. Cory: Four hours till lunch. (They all walk off) [Opening Credits] [SCENE – Feeny’s classroom. Feeny has them acting out the famous scene from Romeo and Juliet, with a female student of his, Vanessa, lies on the desk while Nicolas stands over her] Feeny: She’s d*ad, Mr. Bornihay. Pick up the Kn*fe and k*ll yourself. Nicolas: Come on, Mr. Feeny, you and I both know she’s not really d*ad. May I please s*ab her a few times just to make sure? Vanessa: (Sits up quickly and gets in Nicolas’s face) Hey! You touch me with that Kn*fe, you better k*ll me the first time. Nicolas: (Terrified) Mr. Feeny… Feeny: All right, all right… (Lays Vanessa back down) [Cut to Shawn and Cory, sitting in the back of the class. Shawn, sitting behind Cory, leans forward to speak. Cory has his hand cupped around his right ear] Shawn: (Whispering) Cory. Cory: (Whispering) Huh? Shawn: (Whispering) What’s the score? Cory: (Quietly, not quite whispering) Bottom of the third, two out, Dykstra’s on second, Kruk’s on first, 3 and 2 to Dalton. (Out of nowhere, Feeny’s hand pulls Cory’s hand away from his ear, revealing a small headphone) Feeny: (Pulls headphone out of Cory’s ear) What’s this, Mr. Matthews? Cory: (Cups hand to ear) Huh? What’d you say, Mr. Feeny? You took my hearing aid. Feeny: (Pulls at the cord and takes Cory’s radio, then puts the headphone in his ear) (Recites play-by-play unemotionally) Smoltz delivers, Dalton swings. Oh, he got a piece of that one. It’s a long drive, deep to center. Otis Nixon back, back to the warning track, climbs up the wall, and… (Turns off radio) Cory: (Buries face in hands, sighing) Ohh! Feeny: (Wrapping headphone wire around Cory’s radio) Mr. Matthews, Romeo and Juliet is Shakespeare’s ultimate testament of love between a man and a woman. Nicolas: (From offscreen) Help! Help! Mr. Feeny! Help! (Camera cuts to Nicolas, who is pinned to the desk by Vanessa, who’s trying to s*ab him with the fake Kn*fe) Help! Help! Feeny: (Rushes over, manages to take the Kn*fe from Vanessa) Ms. Kincaid, thank you! Thank you (leads her off the desk) for that, uh, vigorous interpretation. (Places Kn*fe & radio on his desk, turns to Cory) Mr. Matthews, you do not listen to the ballgame in the middle of my class. Cory: (Stands) Mr. Feeny, who cares about some guy who k*lled himself over some dumb girl? Feeny: (Shakes his head, paces towards Cory) The tragedy here, Mr. Matthews, is not about a dumb girl or the boy who kills himself because of her. It’s about the all-consuming power of love and the inevitability of its influence on each of our lives. Cory: (Looks at him with confusion) Are you aware that I’m on eleven years old? Feeny: Are you aware that you have detention Friday afternoon? Cory: No, actually I did not know that. (Feeny nods) [SCENE – Cory & Eric’s room. Eric is pacing back & forth while talking on the phone.] Eric: (Into phone) You will? Okay, great. (Pause) Yeah, me too. (Pause) All righty. Okay. Bye. (Hangs up) Yes!! (Jumps) Cory: (Enters) YES! Phillies won, 8-3! Eric: I’m going out with Heather Ralston! (They give each other high fives) Cory: You know what that means? Eric: It means every guy in the tenth grade wants to be me. (Sits on bed) Cory: It means if they win Friday night, that they’re in the playoffs! Eric: Look, Cory, we gotta talk about something. Cory: (Disregards Eric’s remark, paces away in thought) That makes the game we’re going to the most important game of the year! Eric: Look, Cory, my date with Heather’s Friday. Cory: (Paces back) Now, I got a slight case of detention from Feeny, but I’ll just meet you at the bus. (Realizes) (Sternly) What? Eric: It’s the only night she was available. Cory: You’re not going to the game? (Sits on bed) That’s terrible. Eric: Actually, Cory, it, uh… it gets worse. Cory: (Desperately, semi-serious) She’s going to the game with us? Eric: (Encouragingly) You’re really close! Cory: (Unsure) She and I are going to the game? Eric: (Stands) Come on, Cory, it’s my first date with her. It’s really important to me. Cory: (Stands) But Eric, going to the Phillies game is like our special thing. Eric: Cory, I’m trying to get a special thing going with Heather. Now, look. You could be happy for me and accept this like a mature guy or you can… Cory: (Interrupting, screaming) DAD! (Exits running) Eric: (Continuing his thought) Overreact. [Cut to Matthews’ living room. Alan is sitting on the couch reading the newspaper, Morgan is also on the couch playing with her doll, and Amy is sitting at the desk next to the staircase reading some letters. Cory enters, running] Cory: Dad! Amy: Just the kid I want to see. Cory: Mom, we have a major problem. (Moves towards Alan at the couch) Amy: You have detention with Mr. Feeny. (Cory stops) Cory: (Rhetorically) How could you possibly know that? Amy: (Steps over to Cory) He stuck his head over the fence and told me while I was bringing in the groceries. Cory: (To Alan) I want to move. Alan: Why did you get detention? Cory: You know, you’re missing the bigger issue, Dad. You bought a house next to my teacher. I want to move. I want to move now. (Moves towards door) Get the guy with the gold jacket. I’ll be in the car. Alan: Why did you get detention? (Cory stops, walks back) Amy: Apparently, he’s rather listen to the baseball game on the radio than try to understand the emotional content of Romeo and Juliet. Cory: Mom, I’m a kid! I don’t understand the emotional content of Full House! Morgan: (Raises hand) I do! (Eric enters from upstairs) Cory: Besides, I don’t know why you’re dumping on me. I’m not the one who sold out my only brother for some girl. Amy: (Excitedly) Eric, she said yes! (Runs over to him, hugs him) Eric: Yep. Amy: Congratulations. Cory: You were in on this? Eric: Oh, come on, Cory, don’t you think you’re making a big deal about this game. Cory: (Walks past them) I don’t care about the game. I don’t care about the tickets. I wouldn’t take them if you offered them to me. Eric: Alright, look. (Walks over) I’ll just take Heather somewhere else. Here, you want the tickets? (holds them out) Cory: Yes! (Grabs at tickets, but Eric snatches them away) Eric: Get real! (Exits into kitchen) Cory: Dad!! Alan: Cory, he paid for those tickets with his own money, he can take whoever he likes. Cory: But I earned those tickets. I slept with him for eleven years! Alan: Look, pal, when you’re older you’ll understand how your brother feels because girls will be important to you, too. Cory: (Defeated) Fine. My brother betrays me, my parents take his side… Fine, I don’t have a friend in this house. (Walks past Morgan) Morgan: Do you want me and Debbie to go to the baseball game with you? Cory: (Mockingly) Hey, go to the game with my sister and her doll. Great! Maybe during the seventh-inning stretch I could run through the stadium in my old Spider-Man underwear. Morgan: Well, you don’t have to dress up for me. [SCENE – School cafeteria. Cory, Shawn, and Nicolas are looking at their disgusting lunch food. After prodding his meat-type product, Shawn looks up to his friends] Shawn: Well, mine’s got fuzz. Cory: (Poking his) Mine’s got lips. (Nicolas takes his lunch from his brown paper bag and then puts the bag aside) Shawn: Hey, bag man. Rough life being an only child, huh? Cory: (Looking at Nicolas) Yeah. Rougher life being an orphan, which is what I am as of last night. Nicolas: What happened? Cory: I dumped my family and my family dumped me. It was mutual. They’re keeping the house. Shawn: Well, we’re here for you, Cory. Cory: Thanks. You’re my new brothers. (Pats Shawn’s and Nicolas’s arms) Hey, how about we go to the game Friday night? Nicolas: I thought the game was sold out. Cory: It is, so we go down early. There’s always guys with extra tickets. Shawn: Don’t you have detention Friday? Cory: Uh, don’t worry about detention. I can handle Feeny. Feeny loves me. Shawn: Feeny hates you. Cory: Well, it’s one of the two. We’ll see who’s right. (Walks over to the table where Feeny is sitting alone) Mr. Feeny, may I sit down? Feeny: (Reading a book) I’d rather you didn’t. Cory: (Calling back to his friends) Hates me. (Sits) Feeny: (Sternly) Mr. Matthews, I spend 35 to 40 hours a week dealing with the perceived problems of whiny little people like yourself. Now, this is my lunch period, my respite from the fray. I spend four hours with you every morning and three hours with you every afternoon. Now for God’s sake get out of my face. (Cory looks terrified) (Calling to a colleague) Evelyn! Evelyn: (Walks over and salutes) George. Feeny: (Stands, pulls out a chair) I saved a place for you. Evelyn: (Sits down with lunch tray) Oh, aren’t you sweet? (Sighs, takes off glasses) (Looking at Cory) And who is this young man? Cory: Uh, my name’s Cory Matthews. Mr. Feeny’s my teacher. He hates me. Evelyn: Now Cory, I’m sure that Mr. Feeny doesn’t hate you. (Feeny sits, he and Cory exchange sarcastic smiles) [SCENE – Cory’s backyard, where a tree house sits in a tree. Amy walks through the yard with a brown paper bag, takes a step up the ladder on the tree, and leans into the tree house, pushing the curtain aside. Cory is inside the tree house.] Amy: (Holding up bag) Oh, good. Caught you home. Housewarming gift. (Holds out bag, Cory takes it) Chocolate pie with a side of barbequed chicken and corn on the cob. Now, I would’ve bought you a plant, but, hey, you’re in a tree. Cory: Thanks, mom. Amy: Are you all right? Cory: Of course I’m all right. I’ve been in this tree house a million times. Amy: Never after dark… (Laughing maniacally) Bwa ha ha ha…. (Exits) (Cory opens his bag and looks through it) Morgan: (Calling from the foot of the ladder) Cory! Cory: (To self) I gotta build a moat around this place. (Leans out the door to talk to Morgan) Morgan: Do you want Debbie to keep you company? Cory: Why would I want your doll to keep me company? Morgan: In case you get scared. Cory: Morgan, I’m eleven years old. I don’t get scared. And even if I did get scared and had to defend myself, my w*apon of choice would not be a chick with a plastic head. Morgan: Well you don’t have to get so snippy. (Exits) Cory: (Looks up and can see right into Feeny’s dining room. He sees Feeny setting a very fancy meal for two people, putting out a salad) Hey, America’s funniest home teacher. (Feeny sets out flowers. Feeny’s phone rings and he picks it up. After a brief phone conversation, and a sh*t of Cory looking interesting, Feeny looks dejected, hangs up the phone, and begins to clear one of the place settings. Feeny then sits, all by himself, and serves himself some salad, as Cory looks on while taking a bite of his large chicken leg.) [SCENE – Cory and Eric’s room. Cory enters, looks around to see if the coast is clear. It is, so he goes towards his drawer and begins sifting through his sock drawer. Amy enters from the bathroom carrying a bunch of laundry. Quietly, she drops the laundry, picks up a toy g*n, and points it to Cory’s back.] Amy: Okay, mister, drop my son’s underwear. Cory: (Holding his hands out sideways) Mom, it’s me. Amy: How do I know it’s you? Cory: Who else would want my underwear? Amy: (Withdraws the g*n) Good point. (Puts in on the bed) Cory: Now, don’t get your hopes up. I’m not moving back in or anything. Amy: Oh, hey, I’m just here straightening up the room for the boy we rented it out to. Cory: Well, I hope he’s got better luck with brothers than I did. Amy: (Motherly, strokes Cory’s hair) You still feeling a little abandoned, Cor? Cory: Yeah, well, life goes on. Amy: Yeah, that’s what your dad said when it happened to him. Cory: Why? Who abandoned Dad? Amy: You did. Cory: I never did anything like this to Dad. Amy: (Folding laundry) Oh, when you were little you couldn’t wait for your dad to get home from work so you could throw the football around with him. I’ll tell you something, he looked forward to it as much as you did. Cory: So how come we don’t do that so much anymore? Amy: Well… (Pats bed, she and Cory sit) You got a little older, and you had a bunch of friends, and you were more interested in throwing the football around with them. Cory: Wait a minute, it sounds like you’re saying I’m the bad guy. Amy: No, honey, there’s no bad guy. All I’m saying is that it’s natural that people grow up and priorities change. Okay? (Stands to attend to laundry) Cory: Mom? Amy: Hmm? Cory: (Nodding) You were always very cordial to me when I lived here. Amy: Thank you, Cory, and I give you my word that the new boy will never replace you in our hearts. (Smiles, touches Cory’s cheek, exits with laundry). [SCENE – Feeny’s classroom at four ‘o’clock. The room is empty except for Feeny grading papers at his desk and Cory sitting silently, in his Phillies jersey, at the nearest desk. Cory is tapping his hands, bored.] Cory: (Sighs) You’re not gonna talk to me at all, are you, Mr. Feeny? (Feeny ignores him) Because I’ve been sitting in this seat for 38 minutes and I’ve been very good and I think you should let me go. (Feeny, wordless, staples some papers together a bit violently) Look, and eleven-year-old boy cannot sit still this long. I’m gonna get up. (Cautiously, Cory stands) I’m up. (Feeny says nothing, not even looking up) I’m dancing. (Cory does a little dance around his desk in front of Mr. Feeny) (Grinning) I’m leaving. (Walks backwards to the door, puts his hand on the knob) My hand is on the knob. (Opens door) The door is open. (Steps out, shuts door) Fine. (From behind the closed door) I’m in the hall! (Feeny staples another paper) (Agitated, Cory reenters) Mr. Feeny, this stinks! (Points, wanders back towards his desk) Feeny: It’s supposed to stink, Mr. Matthews. It’s detention. You’re being detained from whatever it is you’d rather be doing. Cory: (At desk) Well, I think it’s a cruel and unusual life-sucking t*rture. Feeny: (Nodding) You’ve captured the essence. Cory: Why do we have to stay here? Just because I don’t want to hear about this love stuff? Because I know it only leads to no good, and I know in your heart you agree with me. Feeny: (Writing on a paper, vaguely interested) What brings you that conclusion, Mr. Matthews? Cory: ‘Cause you and I had dinner together last night. Feeny: Really? I wasn’t aware. Cory: I had chocolate pie and you had salad for two all by yourself. Feeny: (Looks up) How did you know that? Cory: ‘Cause I slept in my tree house last night. You know why? ‘Cause this love stuff has turned my whole family against me. And you’re teaching us how it’s worth k*lling yourself for when I know you don’t really believe that, do you? Feeny: (Smacks down his red pen) Well… You shrewd little observer of the human condition. (Stands, imposingly) How blissful it must be for you to have lived so little and yet already reached your conclusions about the greatest wonder of the universe. Cory: (Stutters) Y-you know what, Mr. Feeny? Keep the radio. Feeny: (Paces from behind his desk) Shakespeare wrote plays and sonnets. The Greeks wrote tragedies and comedies. Robert Burns, Emily Dickinson, the br*wnings examined the depths of human emotions. (Leans on his desk directly in front of Cory) And do you know what each one of these poets, playwrights, and philosophers had in common, Mr. Matthews? Cory: (Unsure) They all took your class? Feeny: Every one of them was older than eleven. (Stands, paces around some more) You come into my classroom at the beginning of the year, and at the end, you go. And I really don’t know if in the time we spent together I have taught you anything! Well, this afternoon, Mr. Matthews, you are going to learn something from me! (Points) (d*ad serious) Do I have your attention? Cory: Yes, sir. Feeny: (Paces back in front of Cory, scratching his head, then sits on the desk next to him) I live on the other side of the fence from you, Cory. And it’s impossible not to face in you’re direction every once in a while and notice the people in the next yard. And through the years, I’ve got to know them. It is apparent that they are fine individuals, but (pause) their real strength (pause) comes from being a family. And do you know why they’re a family, Cory? Because, at one time, a man and a woman realized that they loved each other and pursued the unlimited potential of what may come from that love. (Gestures to Cory with open arms) And here you are. (Stands) There is no greater aspiration than to have love in our lives, Mr. Matthews. Romeo knew it and died for it. Others know it, and prepare salads. And those who don’t know it will sit in detention for the rest of their lives. (Cory looks petrified) (Feeny circles back to behind his desk) This particular detention is over. (Cory is frozen) [SCENE – Matthews’ living room. Cory, still adorned in his Phillies jersey, enters from the backyard carrying a bag. He looks around and shuts the door gently, and though he’s sneaking in. He smiles, then runs to the staircase, where he sees Morgan sitting at her nearby play table having a tea party.] Morgan: Do you want to have tea with me? Cory: No, Morgan, I don’t want anybody to know I’m here, okay? Morgan: Oh, okay. You’re moving back in? Cory: Yeah, don’t tell anybody. Morgan: Oh, okay. (Yelling) Cory’s back!! Cory: No!! Shhh!! (Backpedals into Alan) (To Alan) Hi, honey, I’m home. Alan: (Playing along) Well, it’s about time. Dinner’s on the table and the kids have been animals. (Morgan laughs) Cory: (To Alan) I know that you and Mom will lose out on all that rental income, but I want my old room back. Alan: Well, that comes at quite an economic blow, but we’ll try to get by. Cory: Dad, I’m sorry I dumped you for my friends. Alan: When did you do that? Cory: You know, all the time. Alan: Well, Cory, I’m glad that you have friends. And I’m glad you’re back. (Hugs him) Cory & Alan: (While hugging) (Cory is serious, Alan is mocking, simultaneous nonetheless) No, don’t hug me! [SCENE – Cory is in his rooms playing video games with his toy g*n pointed at the screen.] Cory: Die! (sh**t the screen) Die! (sh**t it again) Die! (sh**t it again) (Eric enters) Die! (sh**t the screen) Die! (sh**t at Eric) Die! (sh**t the screen again) Eric: (Pointing to the screen) You missed the puppy-looking thing in the corner. Cory: Die! (sh**t it, emitting an odd dying animal sound) Eric: There’s one we don’t have to neuter. (Takes off jacket) Cory: (Puts down the g*n) Five to three. The Phillies are in the playoffs. Eric: Yeah, I heard. Cory: What do you mean you heard? You were there. Eric: I really wasn’t paying that much attention to the game, Cory. Cory: Why not? It was a great game. Eric: It was not, however, a great date. Cory: You had a bad date? Eric: No, I had a great date. (Grabs a crate, sits on it) Heather was beautiful. She knew what to say, she knew what to do. Unfortunately, her date spilled food, tripped over chairs, and had nothing interesting to say for nine innings. Cory: Eric, you’re much too cool for some girl. Eric: News flash! I’m not cool. (Stands) You don’t know what you’re talking about. Cory: Okay, you’re not call. And now you know better than to go to a game without your brother. Eric: (Sitting at desk) You’re right. Cory: I am? Eric: Yeah, that’s my first and last date with Heather. I never want to see her again. Cory: Good. (Picks up g*n and begins sh**ting the screen. Stops, looks to Eric) You don’t mean that. Eric: (Lying) Yes, I do. Cory: (Hands Eric the phone) Here. Eric: What’s this? Cory: Call her. Eric: Who? Cory: (Mimicking) “Who?” Heather! My nemesis! Call her! Eric: Why? Cory: ‘Cause you’re sitting there, drooling and pathetic, and I know somewhere inside’s my cool brother. And I’m not gonna get him back unless you call her. Eric: Look. (Puts down phone) I’m not calling her. I sat there all night and didn’t say anything, what could I say now? Cory: (Hands him the phone) Take her to a movie. There, you’re supposed to sit and not say anything. A movie’s perfect for your current skill level. (Walks to the door) Eric: Why do you want me to call her? Cory: I’m told love is worth it. (Shrugs, exits) [Cut to the living room. Morgan is at her tea table. Cory enters from upstairs. Morgan looks up to Cory, than goes back to her imaginary tea] Cory: Aren’t you going to invite me to have tea with you? (Morgan picks up a doll from the chair and throws it on the floor. Then, she gestures towards the chair, offering it to Cory. Cory sits) Morgan, I want you to know something. No matter how old I get, I’m always gonna be your big brother. Morgan: Sugar? (Pantomimes pouring) Cory: And even if I ever – which I won’t – get interested in girls… Morgan: Milk? (Pantomimes pouring) Cory: …and it seems like I don’t care about you anymore… Morgan: Ketchup? (Pantomimes squirting) Cory: …I still always want you to invite me to have tea with you. Amy: (Enters) Morgan, honey, put your tea set away and brush your teeth. It’s time to go to bed. Morgan: (Stands, tugs on Cory’s shirt) Do I have to? Cory: You’re asking me? (Morgan nods) (To Amy) How about if we just stay up and finish our tea? Amy: You volunteering to put your sister to bed? Cory: (Shrugs) Yeah, I guess I am. Amy: Why? Cory: (Nodding) ‘Cause I don’t understand anything about my entire life. (Amy exits, Morgan give Cory a kiss on the cheek) (Insincerely) Yeah, thanks… [TAG – Lunchroom. Cory, Nicolas, and Shawn are once again watching Feeny and Evelyn.] Nicolas: Two days in a row. Shawn: She just doesn’t learn. [Cut to Feeny’s table with Evelyn] Feeny: Evelyn, I hope I’m not being too forward, but instead of cafeteria lunch, maybe one evening we could have dinner together? Evelyn: Of course, George. I’d love it. Feeny: Good. (Cory looks confused) (He and Evelyn get up and begin walking) I’m quite the cook, you know. Evelyn: Really? Feeny: Oh, yes. Just the other night, I prepared a lovely salad nicoise for my sister, but she, uh, had to cancel at the last moment. (Stops at Cory, Evelyn proceeds onward) Confused, Mr. Matthews? Cory: (Nods) Yes I am, sir. Feeny: As it should be. (Walks away) -End-

{"type": "series", "show": "Boy Meets World", "episode": "01x01 - The Pilot"}

foreverdreaming

Cold Open [SCENE – Feeny’s classroom. Two girls, Barbara and Paige, stand in front of the classroom, giving a lecture of some sort. There is a large pitcher of water in front of them, and Paige holds a small beaker] Paige: In conclusion, some products we use every day cause algae to grow in lakes… (Pours the contents of the beaker, which I cannot identify, into the pitcher, making the water a murky white color) Barbara: (Continuing Paige’s thought) …cutting off oxygen and disrupting the ecosystem. (Drops a fake fish into the water with tongs) Paige: So, what we’ve learned is that we must choose biodegradable products to help protect out environment. (Barbara pulls a fake fish skeleton from the murky water with the tongs) Feeny: (Sitting at his desk) Excellent report! Inspired visuals. (To rest of class) Next team! (Cory and Shawn stand, give high fives, go around the back of Feeny’s desk and Shawn pulls down the map) Cory: How air pollution effects our everyday life. Feeny: Excellent topic. Shawn: (He and Cory simultaneously take out pointers. He hits the map in the Gulf of Mexico) Denver. (Feeny moves his pointer to the correct location) High atop the majestic Rocky Mountains. Elevation: five thousand feet. Cory: (Slaps Iowa with his pointer) Philadelphia. (Like Shawn, Feeny corrects him) Lying low in the Delaware basin, 250 feet above sea level. Feeny: Well researched. Shawn: (Moves his pointer sharply to Yucatan) Denver. Clean crisp mountain air. Cory: (Moves his pointer sharply to the middle of Mexico) Philadelphia. Polluted Industrial smog. Shawn: (Moves his pointer stridently to the Texan coast) Mile High Stadium: home of the Colorado Rockies. Cory: (Moves his pointer stridently to the Arkansas/Oklahoma border) Veterans Stadium: home of the Philadelphia Phillies. Feeny: Oh, here we go… Shawn: (He and Cory lean towards the class on Feeny’s desk) The Rockies, a bogus expansion team, mind you, are averaging four more runs per game than anyone in the league… because of their clean air. Cory: Our theory is, if Philadelphia would clean up its smoggy air, the ball would slice though the atmosphere with a greater velocity. Shawn: Therefore the Phillies would score more runs. Cory: And win every home game. The end. (He and Shawn simultaneous contract their pointers) (To Feeny) So, how’d you like our report? Feeny: Stinks. Cory: (To Shawn) Stinks! (Taps Feeny’s shoulder like a buddy) How’d you like my half? Feeny: (Stands) Relax, Mr. Matthews, I blame myself. Cory: You do? Cool! (He and Shawn high five and return to their seats) Feeny: I let you choose your own partner. An astounding lapse of judgment for someone of my experience. I am going to let you try again, but this time I’ll choose the teams. Mr. Hunter, you’ll work with Mr. Minkus. Shawn & Minkus: (Simultaneously slap their foreheads) Oh, no. Feeny: (Marks his change) And Mr. Matthews… Cory: Yeah, I’ll hook up with Mr. Sullivan. (Nods to his friend) Feeny: No, no. That’s worse. (Peers into his grade book on his desk) You’ll work with Miss Lawrence. Cory: Topanga? Topanga: (Sitting in front of Cory, turns to face him) Give me your hand. Cory: (Looking shocked) Why? Topanga: (Holds out her hand) I want to see if our energies converge. (Cory holds out his hand, Topanga rubs his palm) Shawn: (Like a ghost) Ooooooooh! Topanga: (Closes Cory’s hand, then turns around) He’s vibrationally acceptable. Cory: (Stands, to Topanga, insincerely) Thanks. (Walks up to Feeny’s desk) Uh, Mr. Feeny? May I approach the bench? Feeny: (Sitting) Objection, Mr. Matthews? Cory: Can you be swayed on this? Feeny: (Sternly) I’m Gibraltar. Cory: (Pleadingly) Come on, Mr. Feeny. Topanga’s, like, totally strange. Feeny: Strange is in the eye of the beholder, Mr. Matthews. I, for example, have a young neighbor who sings along with his little sister’s Barney records. Cory: (After a long, stunned silence) You hear that? Opening Credits [SCENE – The lunchroom. Cory goes to get food from the vending machine when he overhears a conversation between Barbara and Paige] Paige: (To Barbara) Why would I want to invite him to my party? Barbara: (Shrugs) What’s wrong with him? Paige: He’s gross. He’s a total Brillo head. (Notices Cory, then she and Barbara walk away exchanging wide-eyed looks) Cory: (Starts walking towards his and Shawn’s table, feeling his hair. He sits, looking at his reflection in a spoon, still feeling his hair) (To Shawn) What do you think of my hair? Shawn: Guys don’t ask guys that question. Cory: Well… (Gestures to hair) Would this qualify as a Brillo head? Shawn: Nah… (Feels Cory’s hair) You’re more like a Nerf head. (Goes back to his lunch) Cory: You knew this and you didn’t tell me?! Shawn: You got curly hair. Big deal. Can we move on now? Cory: Sure, it’s easy for you to talk. You got hair. I’m a Chia pet. (Resumes feeling his hair) (Topanga approaches carrying a clipboard) Topanga: Cory. I got Jedidiah to drive me to your house after school. Cory: Who’s Jedidiah? Topanga: My father. Cory: Wait, you call your father “Jedidiah”? Topanga: That’s his name. What do you call your father? Cory: Well, like a lot of normal people, I refer to him as “Dad”. Topanga: Then how do you tell him apart from all the other dads? Cory: Look, Topanga, is there anyway we can do this assignment on the phone? Or by telepathy? Topanga: It concerns our environment. I think it deserves more direct attention. Cory: Okay, okay. I’ll see you at my house after school. Topanga: (Holds forth her clipboard) Before I leave, I’d like you to sign a petition to save Mrs. Rosemead’s job. Shawn: Who’s Mrs. Rosemead? Topanga: Our librarian. They’re forcing her to retire. It’s blatant ageism. Shawn: (Mockingly) Maybe because she’s blatantly old. Cory: (To Topanga) Look, can we talk about this later? We’re real, real busy, here. Topanga: Fine. I’ll respect your space. (Walks away) Shawn: (Laughing) Wow. Feeny must really hate your guts. (Laughs) Cory: Could be worse. At least he didn’t give me Minkus. Shawn: Hey. Minkus doesn’t like me, he doesn’t trust me, and he doesn’t respect me. So he’s doing the whole assignment by himself. In my book, Stuart Minkus is a god. Cory: Then why is he sitting at the weirdo table? (Cory gestures to a nearby table, which is called the weirdo table for good reason. It has Topanga, Minkus, a kid playing a keyboard with headphones on, a kid wearing a cape, and a girl playing chess by herself) Shawn: it’s like the cast of “The Addams Family.” Don’t they care what they look like? Cory: Who cares what they look like? What am I gonna do about my hair? (Touches it) Shawn: Hey, if you’re that stressed out, I’ll ask my sister what she uses to straighten her hair. Cory: Your sister straightens her hair? Shawn: Yeah. If she didn’t, it’s look as bad as… oh, I don’t know… you? (Smiles smugly) [SCENE – Matthews’ living room. Amy sits at the desk when Morgan enters and approaches] Morgan: Mommy? If my dolly is cold, can I put her in the toaster oven? Amy: No, honey, that would be a mistake. Morgan: Mommy? Amy: What? Morgan: I made a mistake. (Amy rushes into the kitchen, Morgan follows) [Cut to the kitchen. Cory and Topanga are studying at the kitchen table when Amy enters with Morgan behind her] Amy: Cory, didn’t you smell that? (Rushes to remove the doll from the toaster oven) Cory: I just thought we were having plastic for dinner. Morgan: (Amy hangs the vaguely doll-shaped, pancake-flat hunk of plastic that used to be Morgan’s doll in front of Morgan) I don’t care what she looks like, Debbie’s my doll and I love her. Amy: (Stroking Morgan’s hair) Well, sweetheart, we’ll get you another doll. Morgan: Okay. (Tosses the ex-doll away and runs out of the room) (Amy begins walking away) Cory: Okay, see you later, Amy. Amy: (Stops, turns to Cory) Amy? Cory: Or if you prefer Mom. (Amy exits) (To Topanga) I told you! Topanga: I have some ideas on our presentation. Cory: So do I! Here’s what we do. We h*t Feeny hard, we h*t him fast. The ozone layer, it’s got a hole. Wear a hat! (Puts on a Phillies cap) We’re in, we’re out. (Smiles) Topanga: I kind of had a whole different approach to the report. (Stands, taking a boom box. Cory removes his hat) Less conventional, more performance art. (Sets down the boom box) Cory: No, please, let’s stick to conventional. Conventional’s good because no one laughs at conventional. Topanga: (Opens a piece of paper, hands it to Cory) Read this poem out loud. Cory: (Takes the paper) A poem? Please, not a poem. (New age music plays, Topanga crosses her arms over her chest) (Reading) “Sun… (Topanga waves her arms down her side, then up) The only. (Topanga holds her arms under her chin) The one.” (Topanga steps forward, and points up) (Cory pauses and gawks at Topanga, then continues) “Doughnut in the sky. (Topanga makes and O over her head with her arms) Space. Big gaping place. (Topanga steps out, opening her arms, then in, wrapping them around herself, then out again, opening them once more) Without. (Topanga opens her arms forward) Within. (Topanga retracts her arms) Our skin. (Topanga grabs her forearms) Doughnut in the sky. (Topanga takes out & opens a lipstick tube) Freon. (Topanga begins drawing a circle and two perpendicular diameters on it on her face) Fluorocarbon. Humpback whale. (Topanga pumps her arms and leans forward) So pale. (She throws her head & arms back) Exhaust. (Topanga puts her hand to her forehead) Is all lost? (Topanga kneels pensively) Doughnut in the sky.” (Topanga stands, making the O once more) (Cory, disgustedly, drops the paper on the table. Topanga bows to him) Yeah, we could do that in front of the class… but before we could, will you just please take a huge baseball bat and h*t me over the head? Topanga: You didn’t think it had meaning? Cory: Yeah, it means we’ll be laughed out of school. Topanga: Why do you care so much what other people think? When people laugh at you, they’re depleting their own karmic reservoir. Cory: You’re gonna be one of those girls who doesn’t shave her legs, aren’t you? Topanga: (Pause, considering) I haven’t decided yet. Cory: Do you actually try to be weird? Topanga: I don’t think I’m weird. I think I’m unique. Jedidiah and Chloe say that every time you’re not true to yourself, the earth weeps. (Hangs her head) Cory: Do they say that in their native Martian? Topanga: (Pleadingly) The earth is crying for you, Cory! Cory: I’d rather have the earth crying than my friends laughing. People make fun of you, Topanga. Topanga: So? Cory: I couldn’t take it. I just want to blend in. Topanga: Well, you’re sure good at it. You look like all the other plain-wrapped kids at school, except for your red hat. (Takes the cap off the table) Cory: (Snatched the hat from Topanga) Hey! I got that on cap night. I had to wait an hour in line. Topanga: (Takes the hat back) Well, If it’s important to you… then it’s beautiful. (Hands Cory the hat back, Cory puts it on the table) (Enter Shawn from the backyard with a brown paper bag) Shawn: Got the stuff. (Sees Topanga, freezes in his tracks, noticing her lipstick) Use a mirror, babe. (Cory stands) Topanga: (To Cory) What stuff? Cory: (To Topanga) Let me ask you something. What do you think of my hair? You think it looks good? Topanga: It’s beautiful. Like a desert tumbleweed. Cory: (Frustrated) Okay, thank you for those thoughts. (Takes Topanga’s notebook from the table) Look, Topanga, you wanna do this performance thing, you do for it. (Shoves the notebook into her arms) I’ll see you tomorrow. (Hands her her boom box, tries to rush her out the door) Topanga: Are we all done for today? Cory: Yeah, Shawn and I have another project we’re working on now. Topanga: (Excitedly) Really? What is it? Shawn: Well, you know how those dolphins get caught in the tuna nets? Topanga: (Interested) Yeah. Shawn: It’s got nothing to do with that. (Shoves the door closed, with Topanga outside. He and Cory exchange high fives, then run upstairs) [SCENE – Cory and Eric’s bedroom, with the bathroom door open. Cory and Shawn are standing together in the bathroom. Cory has white foam all over his hair and a towel draped over his shoulders] Cory: (Panicked, steps manically into the bedroom) Should this stuff be burning?! Shawn: (Following Cory) Why, is it burning? Cory: (Sarcastically) No, I’m just trying to make conversation because we never really get to talk. Shawn: How bad’s it burning? Cory: Call your sister. (Shawn rushes to the phone) Ask her if my ears should feel like throbbing jalapeños. Shawn: (On the phone) Hi, Stacy? It’s me. Listen, Cory wants to know if that stuff you sent over should be burning. (Pause, while Cory dances with pain) Uh-huh… Really? Cory: (Dances towards Shawn, yelling towards the mouthpiece) Hurting! Hurting now! Shawn: (To Cory) Stacey wants to know how long it’s been burning. Cory: Forty, forty-five minutes. Shawn: (Into phone) Forty-five minutes. Cory: Shawn, I’m gonna rip my head off! Shawn: (To Cory) Stacey says you should’ve washed it out forty-five minutes ago. Cory: AAHHH! (Begins running towards the bathroom) Shawn: Stacey says you shouldn’t have left it in so long. Stacey says why didn’t you two idiots read the label? (Into phone) Oh, thanks, Stace. Cory: (From bathroom) AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! (As Cory screams, the sh*t changes from the bedroom, to the Matthews’ house, to a sh*t of Philadelphia, to a sh*t of the entire Earth, to a sh*t of the galaxy, where it’s accompanied by an electronic beeping) [Cut back to Cory and Eric’s bedroom. Cory enters from the bathroom with long, straight, disgusting-looking hair and a depressed expression. Alan and Eric enter from the hallway and see Cory’s hair] Eric & Amy: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!! Shawn: I had nothing to do with this. (Runs out) Amy: Cory, what did you do to your beautiful hair? Cory: It wasn’t beautiful, it looked like Velcro. Eric: (Rubs Cory’s hair) Nothing’s gonna stick to that now, man. Cory: (To Eric) This is your fault, you got the good hair. Eric: (Smugly) Yeah, I did, didn’t I? Amy: (Attempting to comb Cory’s hair) Okay, we can fix this. (Cory’s hair won’t budge) Just… not with a comb. Eric: (Sitting at the desk) It doesn’t really matter, Mom. His hair’s gonna fall out. Amy: (A comb is now lodged in Cory’s hair) Eric, stop it. Eric: (Stands) What? I’m just saying kid at school tried the came thing… (claps hangs) bald as a cue ball! She looks terrible. (Morgan enters carrying her new doll) Morgan: I don’t like my new dolly. She’s not wearing a pretty dress. Amy: (Kneels to Morgan’s height) Well, honey, she’s a businesswoman. I mean (takes the doll) this dolly has gone to college, has a good job, and doesn’t need Ken to support her. Cory: (Comb still lodged) Who cares? I got a head problem, here! (Sits on the bed) Morgan: (Noticing Cory) Hey, it’s Punky Brewster! (Morgan exits, Alan enters) Alan: (Sees Cory) (Hopefully) That’s a hat, right? Eric: (Sitting on the desk) Yeah, try and take it off. Alan: (Steps closer to Cory and tries to shake the comb loose to no avail) (Chuckling) Cory, what did you do? Cory: I tried to straighten my hair, okay? Alan: With what, shellac? Cory: Dad, you think a little shampoo might… Eric: (Stands, interrupting) No. You see, the whole principle behind shampoo is that is actually has to touch your hair. It’s completely ineffective if there’s a polyurethane force field surrounding your head. (Waves his hands around Cory’s head) Alan: I just hope your hair doesn’t fall out. (Eric points to Alan in agreement) Amy: (Stands) Alan! Alan: Okay, a guy at work, Mike, put this kind of stuff in his hair… (Claps his hands) Bald as a cue ball! Cory: (Stands) Okay, listen up, family. Because, I admit, I didn’t know what I was doing when I put this stuff on my head. And I admit I didn’t know what it was going to do to me. But here’s the thing I do know: I am, under no circumstances, going to school tomorrow. Is that clear? No school for Cory. School, Cory? No! [Cut to Feeny’s class the next day. Class is in session, with everyone in their seats. Cory sits, slumped and pouting, wearing his Phillies hat over his new “hairstyle”] Feeny: (To class) Alright, next up for oral reports, Miss Lawrence and Mr. Matthews. Let’s go, Mr. Matthews. (Taps his shoulder) Remove your cap and deliver your report. Cory: Uh, I can’t remove my cap because our report is on the ozone layer and the cap, uh, is part of our UV-protection angle. (Grins) Feeny: (Waving a finger) No caps in my class. Cory: (Stands, approaches Feeny in the front of the class, who stands next to Topanga) Mr. Feeny, if there was one shred of humanity in you, you’ll let me keep this on. Feeny: (Sternly) Too many years of sixth graders have bled me of my humanity. Take off your cap. (Cory does so, making a sad lip. His hair looks the same, except for the huge amount of hair at his bangs bent upward from being hidden under the cap. The whole class, sans Topanga, laughs hysterically) Cory: (To Topanga) Go ahead, laugh. Topanga: Your hair looks different. Why would I laugh? (Cory looks at Topanga, perplexed) [SCENE – Lunchroom. Shawn and Larry (another friend) sit at their customary table next to the weirdo table, which sports the same crowd. Cory, no longer wearing a cap (which is okay, because the fold in his bangs would serves as a visor), steps nearby with a tray in hand] Shawn: (Calling to Cory) Over here… duck head. (He and Larry crack up, pounding on the table) Topanga: (Calling Cory from the weirdo table) Cory! There’s a seat for you here. (Cory takes one last longing gaze at Shawn’s table, then joins Topanga) Minkus: (Holding tofu to Cory with chopsticks) Tofu? [SCENE – Lunchroom. Continued from earlier. The chess girl from the first lunchroom scene, Hillary, walks over with a clipboard] Hillary: I only got one signature on our petition. Topanga: It’s so sad. How come no one cares about Mrs. Rosemead? Cory: (Blatantly) Because she’s, like, old. Darren: (the cape guy) In eastern culture, old people are valued for their knowledge. (Stands) Cory: Darren, I’ve been meaning to ask you something since the fourth grade. Every day you come to school with a cape. What’s the deal with the cape? Darren: What cape? (Walks away) Hillary: Look, could someone else take this for a while? I’m getting tired of having lima beans and spit wads sh*t at me all day. Minkus: I’ll take it. (Stands) I’m used to having objects hurled at my head. (Hillary hands him the clipboard, he sits) Cory: No one’s gonna sign your petition. Topanga: Why not? Cory: Because you’re weird. (Realizes his crowd) However, I say that respectfully since I am now one of you. But I know how to get them to sign. Hillary: Why should we listen to you? (Sits) You didn’t even know who Mrs. Rosemead was. Cory: I don’t have to know Mrs. Rosemead. All I have to know is the people who you want to sign the petition. Topanga: We know who they are. They’re people like that, right over there. (Points to Shawn table) [Camera cuts to Shawn’s table, where Shawn and Larry have been joined by another. The angle shows the weirdo table in the background] Cory: They might as well be a million miles away. (To Topanga) You don’t know a thing about them. What to they like to do after school? What do they like to watch on TV? Darren: “Crossfire”? Hillary: “MacNeil-Lehrer Report”. Minkus: I enjoy anything with Angela Lansbury. Cory: Alright… I’ll assume those are all actual shows. They’re not watching those. They’re out there watching “Beavis and Butthead”. Topanga, Minkus, Girl, and Darren: Who? Cory: Exactly my point. You want to sell your idea, you need to know you buyer. You gotta organize, you gotta strategize. And most of all, you need people who aren’t… you. Minkus: Are you proposing to help us? Cory: Yeah, I guess I am. Topanga: Why? Cory: Because life is strange, and now so am I. [SCENE – Cory and Eric’s bedroom. Cory is alone, sitting on a bed forcing curlers into his hair. He takes a mirror and looks at himself when Eric enters. Eric sees Cory, then freezes] Cory: Okay. What I’m doing is… I’m just trying to get my hair back to normal. Eric: (Meagerly) Sure… (Nods slightly) Cory: If you say anything I’ll find some way to hurt you when I’m older. Eric: Not a word, man. I mean, it’s cool, y’know. Don’t worry about it. (Stealthily makes his way behind the desk, then snaps a Polaroid of Cory) Cory: Hey! Eric: (Proudly holding up the photo) (Smiling broadly) I own you now. [SCENE – School hallway. Topanga, Darren, Hillary, Ned (the keyboard guy) and Minkus all stand in a line across the hallway, handcuffed together, looking impacient.] Hillary: How much longer are we gonna wait for him? Topanga: Just a couple more minutes. Darren: He’s not gonna show. Hillary: (Sighs) We were stupid to believe him. Minkus: I feel cheap. (Enter Cory, depressed as ever, with a Don King-esque hairstyle] Cory: I know you people are way too smart and mature to find something as degrading as this (points to hair) funny. (All of them laugh) Look, the bell’s gonna rings any second. Are we gonna help out Mrs. Rosemead or not? (The group pauses) Minkus: (Elatedly) Let’s rock ’n’ roll! Cory: (Handcuffs Minkus to a locker) Remember, hold your ground. It’s Friday afternoon, and we are the only roadblock to freedom. (Handcuffs himself to Topanga, then his other hand to a locker across the hall from Minkus, forming a human chain) Things could get ugly. (Bell rings, the human chain hold up their arms strongly. A crowd of kids, Larry among them, comes to a halt at the chain) Student: (Hostilely) What are you geeks doing? We’re gonna miss the bus! Larry: (About Cory) Hey, look! It’s Don King! (All the students laugh) Cory: Okay, look. Here’s the deal. The school board is forcing Mrs. Rosemead to retire. Student: Who cares? It’s the weekend! Cory: Come on, you guys! The woman’s been here for forty years and they’re just putting her out to pasture. Just sign our petition and we’ll move. Student: (thr*at) Move… or die. (The crowd steps forth imposingly) Cory: (Cautiously) Okay, you can k*ll us. But think about this: Mrs. Rosemead’s been here for, like, a billion years. She couldn’t care less what we do. (To Larry) Hey, Larry, tell them how you got out of study hall last week. Larry: (To crowd) I told her I was training for the Olympic decathlon. Cory: And she believed you, right? Larry: (To crowd) She bought me a discus. (Nods) Cory: (To crowd) See? She’ll go for anything! Now you know what’s gonna happen? They’re gonna hire someone young to replace her. And this one’s gonna have something to prove. And, my good friends, study hall as we know it’s gonna be over… forever. Larry: (The crowd thinks silently) Where’s the stupid petition? Cory: Cafeteria. Larry: I’m signing. (Walks away, the crowd follows, leaving the weirdoes alone) Minkus: Wow. Topanga: You did great, Cory. (Minkus, Hillary, Darren and Ned all undo their handcuffs and exit) Cory: (Almost daydreaming) It was kinda cool staring down an angry mob. I never knew I had it in me. Topanga: Sometimes the reluctant warrior is the bravest warrior. Cory: (His smile turns into a fearful gaze) You’re not gonna, like, kiss me now, are you? Topanga: Would it be your first kiss? Cory: Hey, don’t come near me! (Tries to shake his handcuffed hand loose from the locker. When he can’t, he peers, terrified, at Topanga) Topanga: Because it would be interesting if all your life you remembered that your first kiss happened when you thought you looked weird, wouldn’t it? Cory: (Panicking) No! It wouldn’t be interesting! Get away! Topanga: (Ignoring Cory) Because then you’d know. It’s not what you look like on the outside that matters. It’s what kind of person you are. Cory: You shouldn’t kiss somebody you’re not married to. (Nods, feigns a smile) Topanga: Hmm… Yeah… I would have to feel I really knew the person. And that I liked him. Cory: (Nods, relieved) Good. Topanga: (Long pause) Good. (Looks to Cory, then pins him against the locker. Cory curls his lips into his mouth, but Topanga kisses him anyway. When she pulls away, Cory’s expression is one of utter shock) It was my first one, too. (Cory’s expression remains) [TAG – Lunchroom. Cory, hairstyle now back to normal, walks towards Shawn’s table with a tray. He stops as he passes Paige and Barbara as they stand] Cory: Y’know, I want to tell you something. Brillo Head wouldn’t have come to your party, anyway. Paige: What are you talking about? Cory: I’m talking about the hair does not make the man. And I speak from personal experience. You shouldn’t talk about people like that. Barbara: Don’t flatter yourself, Cory. We weren’t even talking about you. Cory: You called me Brillo head. Paige: We were talking about my sister’s friend Dwayne Barbara: We never talk about you, Cory. We’re not that bored. (Scoffs, exits with Paige) (Cory steps forward so he stands in between his original table and the weirdo table) Topanga: (Sitting at the weirdo table, turns to Cory) I see you got your old hair back. Cory: Yeah. Topanga: You like it better that way? Cory: (Shrugs) It’s just hair. Minkus: There’s still a seat for you if you want to sit down with us. Cory: I kinda promised the guys I’d have lunch with them today. Minkus: Yeah, I understand. Topanga: Well, there’s always a seat here for you. Cory: Thanks. (Turns and places his tray at Shawn’s table) Shawn: (To Cory) Hey, touch football in my backyard after school. Cory: (Sits) Yeah, I’ll be there. (Turns to look at Topanga who, smiling, take Cory’s red Phillies cap from her bag and puts it on. The two turn back to their tables)

{"type": "series", "show": "Boy Meets World", "episode": "01x04 - Cory's Alternative Friends"}

foreverdreaming

TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE: I don’t speak French so I cannot write exactly transcribe what Shawn is saying (It’s not in the DVD captions). Instead, I used the translator at dictionary.com, so there’s a good chance the French in here isn’t, word for word, what Shawn said. -Dennis Opening Sequence [SCENE – The backroom at Chubbie’s. Cory and Topanga are presumably on a date. Cory is teaching Topanga to sh**t some pool, so as she holds and aims the stick, Cory does so behind her with his arms around hers] Topanga: (Giggling) Cory, stop… Cory: Alright, alright. Nice level stroke. Just kiss the cue ball. Topanga: Softly. (Looks at Cory) Cory: (Staring into Topanga’s eyes) Very softly. (As he demonstrates how, Topanga kisses his cheek so the stroke goes haywire, sh**ting upwards and knocking the balls all over the table) (Taps the table, embarrassed) Uh… I’m thinking darts. Alright, now… (Walks over to a shelf, takes a few darts, and turns to the dart board) The key to this game is to be very gentle and let the air do the work. Topanga: Like this? (Blows in Cory’s ear as he throws the dart. In mid throw, Cory giggles and misses the board completely, instead throwing it through the doorway into the dining area. A man from the dining area shrieks in pain) Cory: (Calling to man) Sorry! (To Topanga) Uh, maybe it’s safer if we just talk. Topanga: Yeah, no one ever got hurt talking. (The two walks towards some chairs, Topanga holds her arms) Cory: Oh, um… (Takes off his jean jacket) Are you cold? Topanga: A little. Cory: Here. (Drapes the jacket over Topanga’s shoulders) Topanga: The perfect fit. Cory: Yeah, just like us. Topanga: (Puts her arms in the sleeves) Y’know, Cory, I wasn’t sure what to expect, but moving from friends to boyfriend and girlfriend has been real easy. (Sits) Cory: (Sits, smiles) Yeah, and fun. (They kiss) I think it’s because we’ve been such good friends for so long. Topanga: So, Cory? Are you feeling what I’m feeling? Cory: I think I am. Topanga? Topanga: Yeah? Cory: I love you. (Long pause as Topanga looks floored and Cory tries to maintain a smile) Did you hear what I said? Topanga: (Uncomfortably) Yes. Can we go now? (Stands, exits) (Cory looks confused) [SCENE – John Adam’s High School hallway. Cory is putting his things in his locker as Shawn limps over] Cory: What happened to you? Shawn: It’s the weirdest thing. Last night, I’m sitting at Chubbie’s, right? I’m looking deep into Paula Balboa’s chestnut eyes. I lean forward, about to make my move, when some yahoo hits me in the butt with a dart. Cory: (Pause, laughs awkwardly) Ha! Ha! You… You… You didn’t see who it was? Shawn: No. Cory: Lot of sick people out there, man. Shawn: So how was your night with the lovely Topanga? Cory: It was good. Good. Ninety percent good. Shawn: (Grinning) And the other twenty percent? Cory: Well, I… I may have kinda gotten caught up in the moment and said some things that maybe I shouldn’t have said. Shawn: Cor, did you get emotional with Topanga? Cory: (Bashfully) It was hard not to. I mean, she looked so beautiful. Shawn: You didn’t tell her that, did you? Cory: (Stutters) N-no! Say she’s beautiful? Yeah, like I’d say that, Shawn. (Paces to Shawn’s other side) I said “I love you.” (Shawn gasps, like he can’t breathe) What? What, what, what? Shawn: You idiot! Once word gets around what you told Topanga, every girl’s gonna wanna hear it. Cory: What? “I love you”? Shawn: SHH!! You’re like a stinking canary! Cory: Come on, Shawn, I mean, I don’t believe telling Topanga I lover her is gonna affect anybody but me and her. (Eric and his current girlfriend, Christi, pass) Shawn: (To Eric) Hey, Eric. Eric, guess what? Cory told Topanga he loved her. Christi: (Cutesy) Oh! Eric: (Panicking) Grandma Topanga, what’s not to love! (Grins) Christi: (To Eric) You have so an adorable little brother. Eric: (Chuckles) I sure do, don’t I? (Grabs the back of Cory’s neck, looking friendly, but actually hurting Cory) Cory: (In pain) Ohh! Eric: Uh, Christi, I’ll catch up with you, okay? (Christi nods) Okay. (Chuckles) (Christi walks away) (To Cory, releasing him) What could you possibly be thinking? Christi’s gonna expect me to tell her that I love her. (To self) Oh, man! I gotta do something now. (Paces behind Shawn) Think! You gotta think, Eric! (Pause) Ow! (Rubs forehead) Shawn: Thinking cramp? Eric: (Nods stiffly) Yeah… Shawn: I get those, too. Eric: (Stretches his face, shaking off the cramp) Alright, uh… (Clears throat) (Walks past Cory and Shawn, practicing) Christi, I love you. Christi, I love you. Christi, I… (Turns to Cory and Shawn) I don’t even know her last name! (To self) Great. I gotta think. Ow! (Rubs forehead, walks away) Shawn: You see, Cor? (Walks behind Cory, then puts his hand on Cory’s shoulder) Thanks to you, dating as we know it at John Adam’s High is over. Cory: But everything’s alright with me and Topanga? Shawn: Are you kidding me? Form this moment on, Topanga will be a gushing, love-struck puppy, hanging on to your every word. (Enter Topanga) Topanga: (Notices Cory) I… really have to go. (Turns around, exits) Shawn: (Smiling) You see? [Cut to the back part of the hallway. Eli Williams enters with a cup of coffee. Feeny is following him angrily] Feeny: Don’t think you’re getting away with this! Eli: Oh, go away. Feeny: Stop right there! (Points, Eli stops and turns) Eli: Hey, captain, what is your beef? Feeny: (Walks over to Eli) My beef, captain, is that you just snaked my coffee. Eli: Hey, I put my money in. The cup dropped. The coffee poured. It’s my coffee. Feeny: (Sternly) How much money did you put in? Eli: (Shrugs) A nickel. Feeny: Precisely, a nickel! I had just deposited seventy-five cents (Turner walks over) and I turn my back for a moment to get some more cha… (Starts snatching at Eli’s coffee) Just give that back! Eli: Hey, hey, hey! Turner: (Tapping Eli’s shoulder) Eli. Eli. Eli: Just a second, Jonathan. I got a situation. (Points to Feeny) Turner: Yeah, yeah. More than you know. Remember that interview I said was with a Mr. Feeny? Eli: Yeah, y’know what? I can’t wait, ‘cause the first thing I’m gonna do is tell Feeny he’s got a little mustached man power tripping all over his hall. (Nods to Turner, then to Feeny, then back to Turner, then to Feeny, then finally back to Turner, who nods back, looking uncomfortable. Eli, not nodding anymore, looking to Feeny with a stupefied grin, then turns to Turner) Feeny, right? (Turner nods) (To Feeny, super-friendly) Hi. Coffee? (Holds out cup) (With a finger, Feeny beckons Eli into his office. As he goes, Eli looks back at Turner longingly) [SCENE – John Adam’s High School hallway, later that day. Cory waits in the hallway, holding flowers when the bell rings. Topanga leaves a classroom in front of him, and Cory steps towards her] Cory: Oh, uh, Topanga… Shawn: (Appears in the background) NO!! (Chases Cory down and knocks him on his knees) Cory: (Stands, angrily) Shawn!! Are you insane?! You bull-rushed me! Shawn: I had to, man. Don’t you know what you’re doing? Cory: Yeah, there’s something wrong between me and Topanga and I wanna find out what it is. Shawn: Not by giving her these. (Takes the flowers from Cory and passes them on to a passerby jock) Here. (The jock smiles lovingly at Shawn, then walks away) (To Cory, whom he puts his arm around) Look, Cory, I’ve been doing some thinking. Ow! (Rubs forehead) The problem with your relationship is Topanga’s got all the power now. Cory: What power? Shawn: The power you give up when you say, “I love you.” Cory: But I do. I mean, what’s wrong with saying how I feel? What’s wrong with telling someone… Shawn: (Interrupting Cory, disinterested) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, b-b-but look. The longer you can go in a relationship without saying those words, the more power you hold. It’s in books, man. Cory: What books are you reading? Shawn: “Men Are from Mars, Women Want to Blow Mars Out of the Stinking Sky.” (Smiles) They’re after us, Cor. Be warned. Cory: So, this power. How do I get it back? Shawn: Wait her out, make her come to you. Cory: But she’s avoiding me. Shawn: Exactly. She’s laying low, making a list. Cory: What list? Shawn: The whipped list. Of all the things she wants you to do. You know, walks on the beach, going to the Pottery Barn, drinking international coffees, Cory: Have you tried the Viennese Mocha? (Holds up okay sign) It’s great… (Shawn looks displeased, Cory lowers his hand) Shawn: It’s happening. (Braces Cory’s shoulders) Cory, I want you to wait her out. I don’t want you going near her. And in the meantime, I want you to make a list of your own. Things you want to do. Cory: (Vengefully) Yeah. Yeah, like yard sales! And antique shopping! Shawn: Cory! Cory: (Shrugs) I just want her to like my list. (The two exit) (Eli exits Feeny’s office hurriedly. Turner intercepts him) Turner: (Holding Eli back) Eli, come on. Come on, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Eli: Let go of me. Turner: (Releasing Eli) Was it that bad? Eli: (Demoralized) I stole his coffee… I didn’t k*ll anybody. Turner: (Shakes his hard, puts his arm on Eli’s shoulder, walking him into his classroom) Man, I’m sorry, Eli. I still think you would have made a great teacher, though, man. Eli: (With Turner, enters Turner’s classroom) Why? I mean, I have nothing to say to kids. I don’t even understand kids. Turner: But you know how to communicate, man, and you know how to do it honestly! (Sits on a desk) Eli: That’s what got me fired from producing the sis o’clock news. I’m trying to show people what’s really going on with the slumlords in Philadelphia and the station manager’s saying: “Well, let’s se more of that woman that walks to work naked.” (Holds up arms in disgust) Turner: Which is exactly why you’d make a great media arts teacher, man. (Stands) Getting to what the truth is, that’s what these kids need to hear. (Paces to his desk, past Eli) Eli: They aren’t gonna be hearing it from me after that session in hell with Mr. Mustache. Feeny: (Standing in the doorway) I prefer Mr. Feeny. Eli: (Turns to Feeny, speaking to Turner) Is he there all the time? Turner: All the time. Eli: (To Feeny) Man, haven’t you put me through enough? Feeny: (Enters the room, walks over to Turner and Eli) (Leaning towards Eli) Not nearly. (Pause) You start on Monday. Eli: (Unsure) Start what? Feeny: Mr. Williams, you show great passion. I think our student will benefit from a teacher who’s actually lived his subject matter. So, congratulations. Turner: Come on, George, even I gotta say, quit yankin’ the guy! Feeny: (Shaking head) I… yank you not! (Pause, Eli and Turner stare) To tell you the truth, Mr. Williams, you remind me of another dedicated young man who was filled with f*re and fury. Turner: (Grinning) George, you mean me? Feeny: I mean me, you egomaniac. (Exits, shaking head) [SCENE – John Adam’s High School cafeteria. Shawn is standing over a full lunch table when Cory enters, running] Cory: Shawn! Shawn! You were right. Shawn: (In French) Oui Cory, absolument. Quand il vient aux affaires du coeur, je suis roi. (This translates to “Yes Cory, absolutely. When it comes to affairs of the heart, I am king.” As indicated by subtitles) Cory: (Impressed) Where did you learn how to speak French? Shawn: (Laughs once) I’m an idiot savant. You didn’t know that? Cory: Cool. Anyway, good news. I’ve got the power back. Shawn: Oh, Topanga came to you. Cory: Yeah, yeah. She left me this note. (Takes note from pocket, unfolds it, shows it to Shawn) She said she wants to meet me here and “talk.” Shawn: Huh! Huh! I could write a book of my own. I’ll call it, “Shawn: I Hardly Knew Me.” Cory: Man… You really are an idiot savant. (Topanga approaches) Topanga: Hi, Cory. Cory: Oh. Hi, Topanga. Topanga: Can we talk alone? Cory: (Shrugs) Sure. Cory & Shawn: (Whispering to one another) Alone. (Shawn walks away) Topanga: Cory, this isn’t easy for me. Cory: Well, you know, relationships are hard work. I mean, they involve planning, communicating, a lot of give-and-take. Topanga: (Brief pause) (Somberly) I don’t think we should see each other anymore. Cory: (Unsure how to react) Was that give or take? Topanga: I’m sorry. It’s over. Bye. (Kisses Cory’s cheek, walks away) (Shawn walks back over) Shawn: (Puts his arm around Cory’s shoulders) So, how’s it feel to have the power back, huh? (Cory looks around sadly) [SCENE – Turner’s classroom before class. Cory and Shawn sit on two desks, talking before any other student have arrived] Cory: This makes now sense. Sweet, beautiful, never-hurt-anyone Topanga Lawrence dumped me. Shawn: I was wrong. Cory: I thought we’d be together forever. Shawn: I thought I’d never be wrong. Cory: (Looks to Shawn, agitated) This isn’t about you! Shawn: Wrong again. (Stands) I’ll deal with my pain on my own time. (Paces to Cory’s other side) Cor, let’s reenact the night of the date, maybe there’s something I missed. Cory: Well, we were in the backroom at Chubbie’s, holding hands… Shawn: (Interrupting) Some on. Show me exactly. Pretend I’m Topanga. (Tugs Cory’s shirt so he stands) (Holds out hands expectingly) Cory: (Looks at Shawn’s hands, shakes head) Not gonna. Shawn: You want answers? Do it. There’s nobody around, just do it, come on. (Cory half-heartedly takes one of Shawn’s hands and looks at the floor. Shawn takes Cory’s hand with both of his) Big hands. Okay… (Pause) Cory, how do you feel about me? Cory: (Timidly, glancing between Shawn and the floor) Well… I want you to know… Shawn: Yeah? Cory: That… I love you. (Looks up at Shawn, then sees the crowd of spectators in the doorway. Among them is the jock Shawn handed the flowers to, still holding them. Upset, the jock throws the flowers at the floor and storms off) Shawn: (To spectators) Can’t a couple of guys have a little privacy? (The spectators disperse) (To Cory) So what did you do after Topanga said she loved you? Cory: Well, she never actually said it back. Shawn: She didn’t? Cory: No. Isn’t that strange? Shawn: (Elatedly) No, this is great! You left out the most important part of the puzzle! Cory: (Excitedly) So now you can help me? Shawn: Are you kidding me? It’s over. (The bell rings, Shawn looks out the door) Look, Cory, here she comes. Don’t let her know you’re hurting so bad. Laugh with me. (Sits) Cory: What? Shawn: Laugh! (As Topanga walks by, Cory and Shawn burst into forced laughter as Cory sits. Topanga stops at her desk and looks at Cory icily. The laughter stops and Cory’s smile quickly changes into a depressed expression) (Turner and Eli both enter with the last of the students) Turner: (As he enters with Eli) Matthews, Hunter. Stand up. Shawn: (Nonchalantly) I didn’t do it. Turner: (Arrives at his desk with Eli) Get up. (Cory and Shawn stand) Hunter, who’s your best friend? Shawn: (Slight pause)(As though in the army) You are, sir!! Turner: Matthews, who’s your best friend? Cory: Shawn is. Turner: What do we do to people who mess with our best friends? Cory: k*ll ‘em? Turner: You’re right. (To class) And with that, I would like to introduce Mr. Eli Williams, your new media arts teacher. And my best friend. Mess with him and die. (Turns to Eli) Eli? Eli: (Steps forward) Thanks, John. (Freezes, as the whole class is staring at him) Now what? Turner: You’re the teacher. Eli: Okay, um… (To class) Well, I guess, if nothing else, I’m here to teach you to find the truth in the media. Because there is a difference between what they say and what is real. Turner: (Very quietly, to Eli)(Smiling and nodding) That was very good. Watch this. (Turns to the class) Hunter! What did he just say? Shawn: Something about Israel? Turner: (Smile broadens, turns to Eli) Is that great? Eli: (After a pause) (To class) I mean, let’s face it. TVs and newspapers are not always honest and without honesty, well, you’re nowhere. Cory: (Stands) Honest? Let me tell you a little story about a kid from Philly who was honest. You see, he said what was in his heart, and then the fu… (Realizes what he’s doing) Oh, I’m sorry, was that out loud? (Sits) Eli: Okay, back to Israel. [SCENE – Matthews’ kitchen. Amy is clearing the table when Cory enters from the backyard, bags in hand] Amy: Cory, dinner was over a half-hour ago. Cory: (Disinterested) Yeah, it was delicious, Mom. (Goes to table) Amy: Cory, what’s wrong? Cory: I might as well tell you. (Sits) I mean, you’re gonna hear about it anyway. See, last night I was out with Topanga. We were having a real nice time, so I figured, “Why not go for it?” Amy: (Nervously) Go for it? Cory, wh-what are you saying? Cory: I went too far with Topanga. Amy: (To self) Oh my god… (To Cory) How did this happen? Cory: (Shrugs) She looked so pretty, Mom, and there we were all alone… in the backroom at Chubbie’s. (Amy shatters the cup she was cradling) Mom! (Stands) No, no, that’s not what happened. Amy: (Looks up to Cory) Well… alright then. Cory: Look, I just told Topanga I loved her and she didn’t feel the same way. (Enter Christi with Eric behind her, carrying two large shopping bags) Christi: Hi, Mrs. Matthews. Sweet little Cory. Guess where we were. (Steps back, takes Eric’s arm) Eric: (Meagerly) Pottery Barn. Cory: Where? Eric: Pottery Barn. Pottery Barn! Christi: Eric, show them the ceramic cat. Eric: (Through clenched teeth and frustrated laughter) Later… Christi: (Pulls Eric by the arm halfway through the room, then stops) Tell me again. Eric: (Clearly lying) I love you. (Christi exits, Eric takes two steps before leaning back to Cory) I’m gonna make you eat that ceramic cat. (Takes a few more steps, then goes back to Cory) You can wash it down the with napkin holders! (Exits) [SCENE – Chubbie’s. Cory and Shawn talk at a table] Cory: I miss her, Shawn. I really miss her. Shawn: You gotta let it go, Cor. Cory: But everything reminds me of her. Shawn: (Cory imagines that Shawn looks exactly like Topanga) Cor, don’t do this to yourself. Get her out of your head. There is no Topanga. Cory: (Shakes head slightly) You have no idea… Shawn: Look, Cory, everybody gets dumped. Cory: Have you ever been dumped? Shawn: Me? Are you kidding? I’m Shawn. Cory: I need to be alone. I gotta think about this. Shawn: Fair enough. (Stands) But before I go, I got one more thing to say. (In French) Il vaut mieux d'avoir a aimé et a perdu que pour avoir jamais a aimé du tout. (And, via subtitles, we know this translates to “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”) Cory: That was nice. What did you say? Shawn: (Shrugs) I don’t know. I just speak it, I don’t understand it. Later. (Exits) (Enter Eli and Turner from upstairs) Eli: This place? It’s crawling with kids. Turner: Yeah, they spray once a month but they keep coming back. Eli: Now I’m real hungry. Turner: Come on, man, the food here’s not that bad. Besides, I don’t mind hanging with the kids, y’know? (Sits at a booth with Eli) Make myself available in case there’s ever anything they want to talk about. Eli: (Sees Cory across the room) Hey, hey, hey. There’s that weird kid that freaked on me during class. Turner: Yeah, Matthews. Eli: What was that about? Turner: Go ask him? Eli: Oh, right. Then he answers, we bond, and I have myself a little fourteen-year-old friend? No thanks. It’s not gonna happen. Turner: Hey, whatever you say, man. Eli: (Peers into a menu) So the food here is good? Turner: Oh, yeah, sure. (Pause) I’ll, uh, talk to Chubbie, see if he’ll order out for us. (Walks away) Eli: (Looks at Cory for a moment, then gets up and walks over) Matthews, right? (Cory turns to Eli, smiles, then looks away) So that freaking out stuff, that was just for the new guy? Cory: Sorry about that. I’m sort of having a bad day. Eli: (Sarcastically) Really? ‘Cause you hide it so well. Cory: See, I told my girlfriend I loved her and she dumped me. I shouldn’t have said anything. Eli: Well, didn’t you mean it? Cory: Well, of course I meant it. She knows that. Eli: (Sits across from Cory) Then you’ve got nothing to apologize for. Cory: Yeah, I got nothing. No girlfriend, no jean jacket. Eli: Why did she break it off? Cory: She didn’t say. All she said was, “It’s over.” What I can’t figure out is… (Pause) Look, I know she cares about me, too. Eli: Sounds like she’s not being honest. There’s more story out there, go find it. Cory: What’s the use? She won’t come back to me. Eli: Yeah, maybe not. But without the truth, you got nothing. And without your jacket, well, you’re just cold. Cory: (Smiles) Y’know, I’m sort of glad I freaked out on you today. Eli: (Smiles) Alright, get out of here. (Cory stands to leave) Matthews, just keep it honest. (Cory exits, passing Turner, who saw their conversation) (Noticing Turner, calling up the stairs to Cory) And don’t come back here begging me for advice either, man! (Turner, nodded, steps forth and pats Eli’s back approvingly) [SCENE – Topanga’s room. She is laying on her bed, writing in her notebook, when Cory enters through the second-story window] Topanga: (Sits up) Cory, what are you doing here? Cory: Look, Topanga, now that it’s over between us there are a few things of mine that I want back. (Looks around, goes over to Topanga’s coat rack and takes his jean jacket) My jean jacket. Topanga: (Stands) Fine, take it. Now go. Cory: No. (Drops jacket) There’s one more thing. (Approaches Topanga) Topanga: I don’t have anything else of yours. Cory: Yeah, you do. You have all my feelings about you and I don’t have any of yours. So everything I’ve ever thought about you, I want back. Topanga: What are you talking about? Cory: I mean, I thought I could open up to you and tell you how I feel. So I said I loved you, so what? It was the truth. And you just blew me off without any explanation. Without telling me how you feel. (Pause) Y’know, I thought I knew you, Topanga. (Steps back) But I was wrong. (Turns to the window) Topanga: I was scared. Cory: (Turns back) What? Topanga: You wanted to know how I feel. I was scared. Cory: Of me? Topanga: No. Of what you said. I mean, we’re only fourteen years old. (Sits on bed, thinking) These feelings… When… When did you know? Cory: Promise you won’t laugh. (Sits on bed with Topanga) Do you remember the time when we were in my backyard chasing fireflies? And you had, like, twenty in your jar, and I had one with a broken bulb. And then Eric came outside and started teasing us… Topanga: He said, “Cory loves Topanga.” And you said, “Yuck. I hate her.” Cory: That’s when I knew. Topanga: Cory, we were only six. Cory: (Shrugs) Who cares? Topanga: How could you know then? I’m not even sure I know what “I love you” means now. Cory: Look. All I know is you and I belong together. I mean, I have always been able to talk to you, to make you laugh, and I’ve always, always wanted to take care of you. (Topanga, thinking once more, pulls her legs into her chest) (Cory stands) Alright. Topanga, I’ve been completely honest with you. (Takes jacket) So… I got my jean jacket so I’ll leave you alone. (Walks towards the window to leave) Topanga: (Stands) So that’s what “I love you” means? Cory: (Turns) Yeah. (Long pause) Bye. (Turns back to window) Topanga: Cory? Cory: (Turns back) Uh-huh? Topanga: (Smiling) I love you too. Cory: I was always hoping you did. (Climbs through the window) (The sh*t then focuses on Topanga, staring at Cory as he exits. She then sits on her bed and catches the jean jacket flung at her, presumably by Cory) [TAG – Matthews’ backyard. Eric and Christi are sitting on the bench, talking] Eric: Christi, we should rethink this whole “I love you” thing. ‘Cause it only leads to heartache. Take my little brother Cory. Christi: The adorable one? Eric: Yeah, him. I mean, he goes off and tells his girlfriend he loves her. What does it get him? They don’t even speak anymore. I’m telling you, those words are death to any relationship. So, uh, let’s just pretend it never happened, okay? (Takes Christi’s hand) (Enter Cory and Topanga from the house, arm in arm) Cory: Uh, tell Mom and Dad I’m walking Topanga home. And I’m taking the long route. (Exits with Topanga, still arm in arm) Eric: (Stands, holds out elbow for Christi to take) Pottery Barn? Christi: (Stands, smiling widely) I love you, Eric Matthews. Eric: And I love you, Christi… eeee… (Christi looks at him expectingly) Uh,,, (Chuckles uncomfortably)

{"type": "series", "show": "Boy Meets World", "episode": "03x03 - What I Meant to Say"}

foreverdreaming

Opening Sequence [SCENE – John Adam’s High hallway, right outside a door labeled “Senior Hall.” Cory and Shawn approach. Shawn tries to open the door, Cory stops him] Cory: No, no, no, don’t touch that door. Shawn: Cory, we waited three years to go through this door. Cory: They say the senior floor is like no other, my Shawn, okay? So let us, as one, take a moment and savor. Cory & Shawn: Oh, baby! Cory: This is gonna be the best year of our lives, Shawny. [Together, they open the doors and enter. The screen becomes dreamily blurred. There are red curtains and silver streamers hanging from the wall and woman in bikinis standing around. Cory and Shawn look around giddily] Voice on PA: Welcome to the senior floor. And the best year of your life. [Two of the bikini-wearers approach Shawn and Cory] Cory: You’re seniors? Bikini-wearers: We’re teachers. Shawn: I have so much to learn. (The “teachers” lead Cory and Shawn to a couch) Cory: So I guess as seniors, we can expect a pretty difficult year? Bikini-wearer #1: Swedish massage, shiatsu, or should I rolf you right here? (Cory laughs) [Enter Feeny in butler outfit carrying a tray of frosty beverages] Feeny: Frozen frappachinos? Ice-blended mochas? (Cory takes the drinks) And the answers to all the tests. (Cory takes those, too) Enjoy. (Exits) Cory: (Holds a glass to Shawn) Shawn, beverage? Shawn: (Stops kissing his bikini-wearer) Sorry, I was just making out with my history teacher. [Enter Topanga, being carried on a bed by four muscular men clad in Roman-style outfits] Topanga: Hi, I’d love to stay and chat, but I can’t. I have an exam in Roman history. (To muscle men) Boy? (Snaps fingers, they carry her off) Cory: (Stands with Shawn) Y’know, Shawn, I wonder how the cafeteria food is this year. [Reenter Feeny in a chef’s outfit. He is pushing a cart with a tray of delicious looking meat on it] Feeny: Prime rib? Center-cut or end-cut? Cory: (Laughs) Both. (Shrugs) And be quick about it, meat-boy! Feeny: Wait till you see what happens to you in my fantasy. (Exits) Voice on PA: Seniors, you put in a lot of hard work today. (The bikini-wearers put velvet robes on Cory & Shawn) Now it’s time to graduate. (Shawn & Cory’s mouths are gaping) [Reenter Feeny, carrying two diplomas and wearing a graduation gown] Feeny: (Hands them diplomas) (To Shawn) Congratulations. Shawn: Thank you! Feeny: (To Cory) Congratulation! Cory: Thank you! [As Feeny walks away, he gives them a thumbs-up and the bell rings. Cory and Shawn are suddenly in a regular school hallway amidst other students.] Cory: Huh. This is pretty much how I imagined it. Shawn: Yeah, yeah, me too. (Unsure of what to do, they walk away in different directions) [SCENE – Cory’s room. It has no bed. Cory enter with Shawn] Cory: Shawn, I’ve been waiting for this my whole life. Eric has gone to college and the room is mine, all mine. Shawn: (Pointing to candles on desk) What’s with all the candles? Cory: Oh, those are for Topanga. Those set the mood. Shawn: Kinda looks like a church in here. Cory: You’re ruining the mood. Finally, y’know, I’m no longer a guest in this room. It’s mine! You see that picture? (Points) Mine. You see that wallpaper? (Points) [A man enters dragging a queen-size mattress] Man: Whose queen-size bed is this? Cory: Mine! Man: It’s for yourself, huh? Cory: Maybe. Man: An industry-standard twenty-year warranty. (Walks to door, but pauses before exiting) And remember: no mean no. (Exits) Cory: Y’know, Shawn, I can feel it. We’re seniors this year, we’re unstoppable, baby! This is gonna be the best year of our lives. [Door flies open, Eric enters carrying a blue bag] Eric: Daddy’s home! Cory: Eric, what’re you doing here? Eric: (Noticing mattress) Oh, you didn’t get rid of my bed, did ya? (Giggles, playfully punches Cory, who stares in disbelief with Shawn.) [SCENE – Matthew’s kitchen. Eric, Alan, and Amy are having a conversation] Eric: So, first day of college, and I got no place to stay. Show up at the door say, “’Scuse me, ding ding, front please, Eric Matthews. I go here. Where’s my towel? Where’s my room?” They tell me I’m not on the list. Like there’s a list! Amy: Eric! I gave you the forms for the housing list three months ago. Alan: Amy, go easy on him. Our son has a little mix-up in housing. He’s home for a visit. (Opens container on table, revealing…) Cake? Eric: Ooh, cut it for me? Amy: This is not a visit. He’s back. Eric: (To Alan) Why isn’t mommy happy to see me? Amy: I am, it’s just sometimes you scare me. I mean, how’re you supposed to do well in college if you can’t even fill our a housing application? Eric: (Mouthful of cake) Oh, it’s worse than that. Checked the wrong box on another form, now they think I’m an Eskimo. Amy: (Alan laughs) I give up. Alan: (To Eric, patting his shoulder) Oh, go on. Relax your mother. Tell her your plans. Eric: Well, I thought I’d hang out here, this little housing snafu works itself out. (Laughs) College is hard! (Stands) So, hoops tomorrow daddy? Alan: You’re on, buddy. Eric: I’ll see you on the court, man. (They exchange high fives, Eric exits) Bye, mom. Alan: (Calling to Eric) I’ll be lookin’ for you! (Laughs) [SCENE – Cory’s room. Cory and Topanga are on the bed, Cory sitting, Topanga laying] Topanga: How come you’re not kissing me? Cory: Because the second our lips touch he’s comin’ in here. Watch. (They both glance at the door) Topanga: (Sits up) Look, Cory, this is your room now. And Eric know that he’s not just gonna walk in here and take over. (Lays back down) Kiss. Cory: (Smiles) Okay. (Kisses her) [Enter Eric] Eric: Hello! (Cory & Topanga abruptly stop) (Grabs a barbell from the desk) Cory: Aren’t you supposed to knock before you enter my room? Eric: Your room. Your room! Yooouuuuur rooooom… (Laughs) Hey, Topanga, be a dear and scooch over, will ya? (She does so) Great. (Eric sits next to Topanga) Ahh! Big daddy rock! (Does a rep) Cory: Eric! Eric: Big daddy rocks! (Does another rep) Big daddy rocks! (Does another) (Topanga is entranced) Cory: Topanga! Topanga: I should go now. (Kisses Cory) Bye. (Gets up) Eric: Bye, Topanga! Topanga: Bye, Eric. Eric: (Focused on his lifting) Yeah! (Turns to Cory) She didn’t because of me, did she? Cory: No, she left because big daddy rocks! Eric, why are you doing this to me? Why are you home? Eric: (Looks to Cory mock-attentively) I don’t know… (Leaps onto bed, gets under covers) Cory: (Removes shoes) I am not gonna let you do this to me this time, Eric. No way. (Gets in bed with Eric) Tomorrow, I am dedicating my entire day to finding you a place. A place, that is not here. Eric: Good night, sweet Cory. (Turns off light, a disco ball comes on) You know that’s comin’ down, right? Good night, Cor. [SCENE – Chubbie’s. Cory enters with Topanga] Cory: And I mean I must’ve shown Eric a thousand places, he doesn’t like anything! Okay, one place has a white fridge, he wants avocado. Then he insists on something with an ocean view so he can relax his nerves. Topanga: Well, an ocean view sounds nice. Cory: We live in Philadelphia! Topanga: Stop snapping, I’m the girlfriend. Cory: Say kiss. Topanga: Kiss. (They kiss) Cory: Sorry. It’s just, I don’t understand Eric. He’s got this great opportunity to be out of the house, and instead he returns home to give me the business. Topanga: You know what you need? You need some college guy to walk down those stairs, announce that he’s new in town and that he needs roommates. Cory: If you love me, you could make that happen. Jack: (Announcing to room) Excuse me! New guy in town, going to Pennbrooke, just got a three-bedroom apartment, and lookin’ for roommates. Topanga: (Cory looks to her with a gigantic smile) I heard him talking outside, but I do love you, though. Kiss. Cory: No time. (Gets up to Jack) Yo, new guy. Uh this place, does it have a view? Jack: Oh yeah, by the river. Cory: Yay! (Turns to Topanga) Listen, you ask about the fridge, ‘cause if he sees how happy I am he might think I’m insane. Topanga: Fridge? Jack: Big green one, I think they call it avocado. Cory: (Giddily) Yay! Yay! (Puts hand on Jack’s shoulder) Have I got a roommate for you, baby! Huh-uh… Jack: (Removes Cory’s hand) It’s not you, is it? Cory: No, no, it’s not me. (Gets wallet for his pocket and shows him a picture) Take a look at this. Topanga: You have a picture of your brother in your wallet? Cory: Yeah, why? Topanga: Oh nothing, I just think it’s sweet. I’m in there, too, right? Cory: You will be. Jack: Nice lookin’ guy. Easy on the eyes. Could be some competition for the ladies. (Thinks, then smiles) Nah! (Hands Cory his wallet back) Okay, I’ll meet your brother. [Enter Shawn] Cory: Yes! Finally, something good happens for Cory! The world is my friend. Shawn: (To Jack, disgusted) What are you doing here? Cory: No, don’t ruin this for me! Shawn, listen, whoever this guy is, whatever minor personal infraction happened between the two of you, let it go. Because the world know that this one is gonna be Eric’s roommate and the world is my friend. Topanga: How do you two know each other? Shawn: He’s my brother. Cory: Of course he is! (Jabs finger) He is not your brother! Shawn: Same dad, different moms. His mom bailed on my dad years ago, found a guy with a few bucks, and I guess they’ve kept Jack pretty busy… Cause we haven’t heard from him. Jack: That’s not exactly the way it happened. Shawn: Whatever, Jack. Jack: Look, Shawn, look, I think we need to talk, okay? Shawn: You turned your back on your father. And on me. Yeah, we talked. (Exits) [SCENE – Matthew’s driveway. Alan & Eric are playing basketball] Eric: C’mon now, boy. You got the ball, you want the ball?! (sh**t, it bounces off the rim & Alan grabs it) Alan: Huh! Ooh yeah, oh yeah. [Cut to Feeny & Amy, who are watching from their respective backyards] Feeny: It’s nice to see father and son together again playing a spirited game of hoops, hm? (Amy looks at him evilly) You’re not happy, are you? Amy: For years now, I have watched you give advice to everybody. But never me. Why is that, why? Feeny: You don’t ask. Amy: Eric was supposed to be in college, but at the first little bump in the road he comes running back home and Alan is okay with it. Feeny: But you’re not? Amy: It was hard enough saying goodbye to Eric, I don’t wanna do it again. Feeny: Well, perhaps Alan just misses… Amy: (Interrupting) Oh, that’s not it, this is it. He’s Eric’s father, he’s Eric’s best friend. The best friend can’t bring himself to say goodbye and kick Eric out of the nest. Thank you, George. Oh, well said. (Exits into house hastily) Feeny: I have problems too, y’know. [SCENE – Hunter’s trailer. Shawn and Chet are sitting at the kitchen table. Chet is fixing a toaster while Shawn does homework] Chet: So how was your day, boy? Shawn: Just another day. Chet: Anything out of the ordinary? Shawn: Just another day. Chet: I like this talking we’re doing. It’s good. (Knock at the door, Chet stands) Yeah, come in! (Jack enters and exchanges glances with Shawn) What can I do for you? (Recognizes Jack) Wha…? well… Look at you. Jack: How are ya? Chet: (Shrugs) I’ve been okay. This is a surprise. Jack: I ran into Shawn today. Chet: (Turns to Shawn) You told me nothing special happened today. Shawn: Yeah, I did. Chet: Shawn, don’t be like that. We’ve got ourselves a little family reunion cooking, here, huh? (To Jack) So, uh, how’s your mama’s husband. You’re, uh, step-daddy, how’s he treating you? Jack: He treats me well. Chet: You still in school? Jack: I graduated from high school, I’m going to Pennbrooke, now. Chet: (Laughs) Well, what do you know about that? (Turns to Shawn) I got me a boy in college! (To Jack) I guess your new daddy raised you up good. Shawn: Yeah, raised him up so good he hasn’t come to visit all this time. What are you doing here, Jack? Chet: (To Shawn) Y’know, maybe he needs a place to stay. (To Jack) Look, Jack, I mean, this ain’t much, but I know you’re used to better… but we could get another rollaway cot and you could, uh… Jack: No, it’s okay, I got an apartment by the college. Soon as I find some roommates the place is mine. Shawn: I asked you what you’re doing here, Jack. Did you finally get up enough guilt about dad to pay him a little pity call? Jack: That’s not it. I wanted to come here. I have a brother here. I came here to see you, too. Shawn: Yeah, right… Chet: You know, uh, seeing you two brothers together like that… idea comes over me. I don’t get a whole lot of ideas, but pretty sure this is a good one. You two boys have been given an opportunity to know each other. I think you should take advantage of it. Shawn: No, dad. Chet: He wants a roommate… I want you to live with him. [SCENE – Hunters’ trailer, continued from earlier] Jack: (To Shawn) I would love to have you as my roommate, man. I mean, it’s a great apartment, terrific area… Shawn: (Stands) No! Jack: Look, if you’re worried about the rent, I can make up the difference. Shawn: There it is. Jack is here to try and rescue me from trailer life. Jack: (Points) No, that’s not why I’m here! (Quietly) Look, forget it, man, I gotta go. (To Chet) I’m sorry, man. It’s good to see you, I’ll call ya. (To Shawn) Y’know, I just thought it’d be good, Shawn, for the both of us. (Walks to door, Chet stops him) Chet: Jack! Here, uh, take this. (Hands him a coat) It’s gonna be a cold one, tonight. Jack: Thanks. (Exits) Shawn: What are you trying to do? Chet: Shawn, ever since you were born, I always wanted to give you something I never could until now. (Sits in easy chair) Chance at a better life. Take it. Shawn: He means nothing to me. Chet: He’s your brother. He’s a good boy, I… think you ought to move in with him. Maybe some of that Pennbrooke stuff will rub off on ya and I’ll have two boys in college. Shawn: Dad, why are you trying to kick me out? Chet: I might not be much of a father, but I know this is right. So, get out of here. Scoot! Go on… Shawn: I’m not going anywhere. And you’re right about one thing: (grabs his book) you’re not much of a father. (Exits into his room) [SCENE – Hallway in front of Jack’s apartment. The elevator arrives, carrying Cory & Eric] Cory: Oh, it’ll be perfect! Now all I ask is that when you meet Jack, you just be yourself, okay? And whatever you do, do not flash that big, phony, plastic, cheesy grin of yours. (Eric is doing so) No, it really turns people off. (Enters as he knocks, Jack is inside) Jack: Hey, you guys! Cory: Jack! How are you? (Shakes his hand) Love the place, huh? (Goes to fridge, it’s white) Not an avocado fridge, but nice! Jack: Hey… Eric. Eric: Yah. Jack: Nice to meet you. Eric: Hey, nice to meet you, too Jack. (Shakes his hand) Jack: You smoke? Eric: No. You smoke? Jack: No. Eric: You like pets? Jack: Nah, I have a hard enough time keeping track of myself. You? Eric: Not a pet guy. I got four kids, though. Cory: (Laughs exaggerated, Jack and Eric don’t) I thought it was funny… Jack: Favorite color on three? Eric: Go. Jack & Eric: One, two, three, blue! (Cory exhales thankfully, Jack pats Eric’s shoulder as he walks away) Eric: Yeah, nice to meet you, alright. (To Cory) I don’t like him. (Makes for exit, stops in doorway) Cory: Eric, what’re you doing to me?! We had a deal, you and Jack are so perfect for each other, you should be married! Eric: I’m not ready… Cory: Why are you trying to ruin my whole year? Well, guess what, I’m not gonna let you because starting now, you do not exist. You are invisible to me. (Tries to exit, but Eric is blocking the way) Please move. (He does so, and Cory exits) [SCENE – Amy & Alan are at the kitchen table. Eric enters from upstairs carrying a basketball] Eric: Hey, daddio! (Tosses him ball) Play another game of old-man-can’t-jump, huh? Alan: (Stands up) Oh, trash talk all you want, I’ll let my hook sh*t do the talking. (Eric exits, Amy stops Alan) Amy: Alan, stay. Alan: Oh, no, that’s a dog command, you don’t give me a dog command. Amy: Sit. Alan: Okay… But you owe me a treat. (Sits) Amy: If we let him stay here, he will never grow up. Alan: Well… You think I don’t know that? What am I supposed to do? [Enter from upstairs Cory & Shawn, talking] Shawn: What kind of father throws his own son out, Cory? (Looks to Alan) Why can’t I have a dad like him? Eric’s never gonna leave, and he’s fine with it. [Exit Cory & Shawn] Amy: I’m done. [SCENE – Matthews’ driveway. Eric is by himself, playing basketball.] Eric: (making jump sh*t) RRAAHHHHH!!! C’mon, box it out, box it out! (Makes another basket) (Cory & Shawn approach) Hey! Wanna play a little 2-on-2, me and dad? (Tosses Cory ball) Cory: No, I wanna play 2-on-you’re-not-here. (Tosses ball back) Eric: I don’t get it. Cory: I know you don’t. [Enter Alan] Alan: Hey. Eric: Hey! Daddio! (Tosses Alan ball) Come on, 2-on-2, you and me against the short guys, let’s go! (Runs to his side) Alan: As much as I love it when it’s you and me, how long is this gonna go on? Eric: I don’t we could play to, what, 21? Or 11… Or 17, that’d be weird, huh? (Taps Alan playfully) Alan: I’m not talking about the game. Shawn: (To Cory) Maybe I should go… Alan: (To Shawn) No, no, no, you stay, you’re family. Eric: What’s goin’ on? Alan: Eric, there’s nothing I enjoy more than having you here. Eric: Me too. Alan: You got one week to find yourself a new place. Eric: You’re kicking me out? I don’t get this, I thought we were friends. Alan: We are friends, but I am also your father and I know that this is right. Eric, in every kid’s life there comes a time where he’s just got to move on. And I hate that that time has come, but I wouldn’t be a good father if I didn’t recognize it, and I need you to recognize it, too. (Eric looks upset) Heeeey! (Pats his shoulder) If I didn’t think you could make it I wouldn’t be kicking you out. Eric: (Takes ball from Alan, tosses it to Cory) Enjoy your room. Cory: My room? Eric: You heard me. (Walks away, Cory follows) Shawn: (approached Alan) You are a good father. Alan: I hope he understands. Shawn: He will. Alan: (Puts his arm on Shawn’s shoulders & draws him near) Thanks. [SCENE – Hallway before Jack’s apartment. The elevator opens and Chet & Shawn walk out carrying boxes] Chet: I still can’t believe you give Alan Matthews half the credit. ‘Cept for all the flowery words, I said the same thing. Shawn: He just helped me see what you said. I know how hard this is for you, dad. Chet: You do? Shawn: You’re a good father. Chet: Well, I guess I’ll give the man his due, then. [Cut to Jack (and now Eric’s) apartment. Jack, Alan, and Eric are there unpacking] Jack: (hands some plates to Eric) Alright, there we go. Eric: Hey! (takes plates) Favorite movie. Jack: On three. Eric & Jack: One, two, three, Godfather! (They pause) Part two! (Jack walks away) Eric: (To Alan) I don’t get him. [Cory enters from bedroom, carrying a clipboard] Cory: Standard rental agreement for a year. Let’s make it three. (To Eric, pointing to clipboard) Sign here, here, and here. (Eric does so) [Enter Chet & Shawn, carrying boxes] Chet: Hey, Jack. Jack: Hey! (To Shawn) Welcome to your new home, bud! Shawn: Thanks! Comes with hardwood floors, high ceilings… Jack: And a brother. Chet: I know it’s not much boys, but it works. (Hands Jack the toaster he was fixing before in a bow) Jack: Alright! We really need this. (Places it on counter) [Cut over to Alan & Eric] Alan: (To Eric) You know I’m not gonna… say… Eric: Goodbye? Alan: Right, right. I’m not saying it. Alright? I mean, it’s very hard for me to say… Eric: Goodbye? Alan: Just give me a hug. (They hug) (Starts for exit, with Chet) Jack: See you guys. Chet: See ya… Jack: Bye! [Cut to hallway, where Chet & Alan just entered. Alan calls the elevator] Alan: How ya holding up, Chet? Chet: I did my crying in the truck. Alan: Ugh, the father thing is just not an easy job, is it? Chet: No. But I’m learning. (The elevator arrives, they enter) [Cut back to apartment] Eric: Well, I did it. I got my own place. Cory: Yeah. Me too. Eric: Listen, Cory, uh… I’m sorry, y’know? With getting into college and moving out it just… it just seemed easier to stay. Cory: Y’know, I wasn’t trying to kick you out of my life. I was trying to kick you out of my room. Eric: (Laughs) Oh, thanks. (Snaps fingers) Well, I guess you gotta get going, you wanna go set that room up the way you like, huh? Cory: Yeah. Yeah, lots of things to do. Eric: Yeah, Cor, listen the landlord he, uh, he made a mistake, he made two sets of keys, so… don’t be a stranger. (Tosses him keys) [TAG – Feeny’s classroom. The whole class is there as Topanga enters] Topanga: (To Shawn & Cory) Mr. Feeny’s sick today we have a substitute. Cory: Oh, (turns to Shawn) that’s great. Shawn: No, that’s bad. Whenever Feeny’s sick he handpicks a substitute. They’re always old, they’re always mean, and they always make us miss Feeny. [Enter the very attractive Miss Valentine, who resembles on of the bikini-wearers from Cory & Shawn’s earlier fantasy] Miss Valentine: Hello, class. I’m Miss Valentine. (Walks past Shawn, with him gaping) Shawn: (Rasping, pointing) It’s her! Cory: She was in out fantasy. Topanga: What fantasy? Cory: No fantasy. Miss Valentine: Mr. Feeny has graded your tests from last Friday. (Hands out papers) Cory: (Reading his grade) a B! Not bad! Shawn: (Reading his grade) a D? Alright, let me take care of this. After all, we do have some history. Cory: She was in our fantasy. (Topanga looks at him evilly) (To Topanga) Say kiss. Topanga: Kiss. (They kiss, a peck) (Shawn gets up to confront Miss Valentine, Cory & Topanga watch. A slapping sound is heard, and Shawn returns to his desk nursing his cheek) Shawn: Apparently it wasn’t her… (Cory nods)

{"type": "series", "show": "Boy Meets World", "episode": "05x01 - Brothers"}

foreverdreaming

Opening Credits [SCENE – Jack, Eric, and Shawn’s apartment. Eric is there, waiting for Jack in the main room, fixing his hair in the mirror] Eric: Jackie! Come on, move your behind, we have a club full of pretty ladies waiting for us. Jack: (Enters) Go without me, I’m not real good in clubs. Eric: Jack, one word: You’re with me. Jack: I know, I’m always with you. New guy in town, don’t know a lot of people so I get to tag along. Eric: Oh, come on, Jack, this is a no frowning zone. You don’t just tag along. Now get behind me. (Turns around and takes a step towards the door) Jack: I’m just uncomfortable picking up girls. Eric: Watch and learn. (Gets very close to Jack’s face with a weird smile) Jack: What are you doing? Eric: I’m loving you with my eyes. Jack: Please don’t. Eric: The ladies love it. Come on. (Starts towards door) [Cut to hallway as Jack and Eric exit apartment. Millie is there] Jack: So if the ladies love it how come you don’t have a girlfriend? Eric: I don’t know. Millie: Hi. Eric: Hi. (Gets close to Millie, like with Jack before) I’m Eric Allison Matthews. Millie: You know, you’re the reason we have campus escorts. Eric: Yes, I am. Millie: (Slides away from Eric) (To Jack) You must be Jack Hunter. Jack: How’d you know that? Millie: I like to know who my neighbors are. I’m Millie from 3B. (Points to her apartment) Eric: (Elevator opens behind him) Well, Millie from 3B, We’re heading down to O’Doulies, why don’t you, uh, join us? (Steps back into elevator) Millie: Oh, I’m not much of a club person. Jack: Ugh, neither am I. Millie: (To Jack) You’re cute, why don’t you show me your apartment? Jack: Sure! Eric: (As elevator closes) Are you kidding me?! [SCENE – Jack, Eric, & Shawn’s apartment. Eric enters an empty apartment] Eric: Hello? Hello?! Anybody home?! Nobody’s home? Goodbye pants! (Takes off pants, he’s wearing smiley face boxers) (Sees an envelope and opens it. As he opens it, he draws the curtains. Millie and Jack are making out on the balcony. When he sees them, he waves hi. Jack & Millie stop kissing) Jack: Eric! (Comes in from balcony) Eric, buddy, what’re you doing home? Eric: They turned O’Doulies into a Starbucks. I was into my third dance before I noticed. Jack: Look, I’m sorry you have a bad night but, uh, I got Millie out there. (Gestures towards balcony) Eric: Ooh, my manners, I’ll go say hello. (Walks outside to balcony, still in boxers) Hi, Millie. Y’know, I’m really glad you and Jack hooked up. He doesn’t have a lot of friends here. Millie: It’s very important for me to have Jack. Don’t get in my way. (Eric looks scared) [SCENE – Jack, Eric, & Shawn’s apartment. Jack and Eric are stretching on the floor] Eric: Y’know, Jack, I’m really glad that you met somebody, but don’t you find her a little… freaky? Jack: Why? Cause she chose me instead of you? Eric: I didn’t even think of that. (Doorbell rings) Come in, we can’t move! (Millie enters carrying a tray with food and a flower on it. Jack stops stretching and gets up) Jack: Hey, Millie. Millie: I was up all night thinking about you. (Referring to Eric) What’s he doing here? Eric: (Sarcastic) Uh, gee, I don’t know, Mil, I live here. (Gets up) Millie: (To Jack) I brought breakfast for you, Jack. Jack: Oh… Millie: Smells good. (To Eric) Doesn’t it? (Eric makes a face) (To Jack) Why don’t we go have it out on the balcony. Eric: Oh, Millie, too bad, so sad, you’re gonna be eatin’ all by yourself! Jack and I are running up the rocky steps today. Millie: But Jack, I planned the rest of your life. (laughs) I mean day. I thought we’d take a nice long walk, then come back and sit outside (Rubs Jack’s shoulder) and wait for dark. (Kisses him) Eric: Stop, stop, stop that! Now we’ve been stretching for this jog since September, we’re finally limber! Millie: (To Jack) Why is he attacking me? Jack: Eric, you’re upsetting Millie, okay? (Millie sets the tray on the table) (To Millie) I would love to spend the day with you. Eric: (Mimicking Cartman voice) Millie, I would love to spend the day with you. (Makes farting noise) (Shawn enters from bedroom) Shawn: Oh, good, you’re still here. I got up early to give you a send off for the big jog. Hey, who wants rocky hats? (Holds out knit caps) Huh? Eric: Thank you, Shawn, that’s sweet of you. (Puts his on) But see he’s not going. He chose her over me. (To Jack) Don’t you see what she’s doing to you, Jack? Hugging ya, holding ya, kissing ya? It’s just wrong! (Exits) Jack: Millie, uh, this is Shawn. Shawn: (Holds out hand) I’m Jack’s brother. Millie: Oh, another Hunter. So nice to meet you. Great apartment. I love your balcony. Shawn: We have a balcony? (Looks to Jack) (Doorbell rings) Millie: That’s for me. My roommate want to see your balcony. (Opens door, letting in her three roommates, all clad in black) Shawn: Hey, I want to see it, too. (Follows Millie’s roommates to the balcony) [SCENE – Jack, Eric, & Shawn’s apartment. It is late. Eric is eating popcorn at the counter. There is a scary movie on TV] TV: (Eric takes popcorn bowl and sits on couch) (Scary woman’s voice) And now, we return to the frightening conclusion of: Halloween Part Nine. (Cackles evilly) Eric: (Scream on TV) AHHH!! (Scream on TV) AHHH!! Millie: (Enters) Hi. Eric: AHHH!! How did you get in here? (Turns off TV) Millie: (Holds up keys) Jack made me a set. (Jingles them in his face) Bug ya? Jack: (Enters from bedroom) Hey, Mil. Millie: Hi. Eric: (Sighs) Jack, we have to talk. (Gets up) Millie: Fine, talk to him. He belongs to me, now. (Kisses Jack, exits to balcony) Jack: Boy, she really loves it out there. Eric: You made her keys? Jack: She’s my girlfriend. Eric: Oh yeah? What’s her last name, Jack? Jack: (Defensively, points finger) I don’t have to answer that. What do you have against her? Eric: I don’t know, man. It’s hard to find the words. (Searching for words) Mean… Creepy… Evil… Cold-hearted… Actually, once you get started it’s just kinda– Jack: (Interrupting) What is your problem? I meet someone, I’m happy! Eric: (Points) You are not happy! You’re just a sweet, dumb farm kid to picked up with the first pretty girl that flashes him a smile. Jack: I’m from New York City! Eric: That town ain’t so tough! Look, sweetie, I’m just trying to look out for you, alright? I’m trying to make sure you’re not gonna get hurt. I’m just to… be your friend! Jack: If your idea of being my friend is to stop me from having a girlfriend, maybe you should stick to being my roommate. Eric: Fine. Jack: Fine! Eric: Fine! (Plops on couch, turns on TV. Jack exits to balcony) (Scream on TV) AHHH!! [SCENE – Matthew’s kitchen. Topanga and Cory enter from upstairs] Topanga: Cory… you, me, and a weekend in Pittsburgh. Can you think of anything more romantic? Cory: Yeah, a weekend in Pittsburgh without your parents. Topanga: Cory, we’ll have plenty of time alone during our, long, intimate drive up. (Kisses him) Cory: Oh, there’s not gonna be any driving. (Slaps plane tickets on counter) Topanga: (Picks up tickets) What are these? Cory: Two plane tickets to steel town. We are gonna be kissing 20,000 feet above the ground. Topanga: Oh, there’s no way I can fly. (Drops tickets on counter) Cory: Why not? Topanga: Because I’m morally opposed to it. Cory: What? Flying? Topanga: Oh, I thought you said hunter whales. Cory: Wait a minute, you’re afraid to fly. Topanga: (Panicky) No, I’m not. I don’t think I am. I don’t know. Cory, I’ve never been on a plane before. Cory: No! Come on, everyone’s been on a plane! Horses go on planes. Topanga: Well, I don’t. And I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t make fun of me. Cory: Okay, I’m sorry. Why don’t we discuss this fear of flying over a nice dinner? Or are you afraid of restaurants, too? Topanga: If you want to be insensitive, then you can eat alone. (Grabs coat off wall) Cory: Y’know, you used to think I was funny. (Topanga looks at him as if to say “Yeah, right.” They exit together) [SCENE – Jack, Eric, & Shawn’s balcony. Millie is there, alone, wearing a black dress and waving handkerchiefs about, chanting in front of many lit candles] Millie: Tosh, Karando. Haloosh bu-lah! Mandona ooh-ba, koosh koo rah! Lord of darkness, ruler of the anguished on all hallow’s eve. Your work will be done, but there is one to stands in the way. Eric: (Taps Millie on the shoulder from out of sh*t) Hey, Millie-man? (Laughs) Am I the one who’s standing in the way? Millie: How much did you hear? Eric: I heard you talking to Satan! Jack: (Calls from off screen) Hey, guys! Got the pizza! (Enters balcony) Eric: (Millie slaps him) Ow! Jack, did you just see that? (Points at Millie) Millie: He tried to kiss me! Jack: (To Eric) You creep! (Shoves Eric aside to embrace Millie) Eric: She was talking to Satan! Millie: What? Eric: Jack. I think she’s a witch. And not a good witch like Glenda but a bad witch like with the monkeys. (Points) Millie: (To Jack) Are you gonna let him talk to me like this? Jack: (To Eric) I don’t believe you, man. For the first time I’m doing something without you, you can’t handle it and you try to take my girlfriend. Eric: She doesn’t belong to you, Jack. She belongs to el Diablo… Jack: You just can’t stand it cause the new guy in town doesn’t need your help. Eric: Alright, alright, that’s it, I’m not gonna talk about this anymore, alright, you gotta make a choice, man! It’s either her or me! (Flashes a friendly smile) Jack: You’re just my roommate, Eric. (Turns to Millie) Millie is much, much more than that. Eric: We’re waiting. Millie: (After Pause) He chose me. Eric: (In disbelief) When? (Jacks glares at him evilly) Alright, alright, wait a second, I’m not moving out. Millie: Well, it’s up to you. Cause I’m moving in. (Thunder crackles, Eric makes a face) -Commercial Break- [SCENE – Jack, Eric, & Shawn’s apartment. Jack, Shawn, and Millie’s friends are helping Millie move in. Eric looks on, sitting on the counter, unhappily. Jack places a box next to Eric on the counter] Eric: I can’t believe you’re letting her move in here. Jack: She’s only staying for a few days, okay? She’s having trouble with her roommates. Eric: Oh, what’s the problem, they don’t like evil? She’s a witch, Jack. Jack: Stop calling her names! (Millie places a cauldron on the counter, then walks away) Eric: I see a cauldron. Jack: It’s Halloween, it sets the mood. [Cut to Shawn, who is hitting on one of Millie’s friends] Shawn: So, Rosemary, how’s the baby? (Rosemary walks away, disgusted) [Cut back to Jack & Eric) Jack: Look, look, okay? We’re gonna be living together, let’s at least try to get along. Eric: Yeah, where’s she gonna sleep, her beloved balcony? Jack: Actually, yes. Eric: (Suppressing laughter) (sarcastic) You got yourself a good one, there, Jack. (Gets up) Jack: Get off my back, Matthews. Eric: Y’know something, fine, I’m off your back. I thought you and I were friends, I guess I was wrong. Just another name on your lease. (Exits) Jack: (Walks over to Shawn) Do you believe him? Calling Millie a witch? Shawn: She’s not? I assumed she was. Jack: What’re you saying? Shawn: I’m saying she’s a witch. At least that’s what I heard. Anyway, I’m gonna go help the rest of the coven. (To one of Millie’s friends) Hey, Barbie! Let me get that box for ya. (Takes a box) Ooh, there’s something breathing in here! [Cut to balcony. Millie has her arms open, her eyes closed, and her head to the sky as thunder crackles. Jack enters.] Jack: Millie? Millie: Hi. Jack: Hi. (Millie kisses him) Look, I don’t know your last name, and I’m okay with that. But there’s something I gotta know. (Pause) Are you a witch? Millie: I am. Does that bother you? Jack: I’ve never dated a witch, before. Millie: Well, this isn’t the sixteenth century, Jack. Witchcraft isn’t spooky, it’s just a belief. Actually, we do a lot of good. For instance, our Pittsburgh chapter works with inner-city kids. Jack: I don’t know about that. Millie: (Mean) Well then maybe you should check. (Sweet) Sweetie, you do what you have to do. But just know that no one will ever feel about you the way that I do. No one. Jack: I love you. Millie: I know you do. Tomorrow is October 31st: Halloween. We’re going to have a party. I’m going to introduce you to all your new friends. We’re going to have fun. Jack: (In a trance) Fun… [SCENE – Tiny airplane with six seats. Topanga and Cory enter.] Topanga: Okay, please tell me this is the shuttle that takes us to the real plane. Cory: Topanga, it’s a real plane. It’s a real airline. Topanga: How much did you pay for the tickets? Cory: Twelve dollars. It’s a good deal because they just got out of bankruptcy. Topanga: Cory, this is my first flight, please don’t make jokes. (Sits) Cory: Listen, (Sits adjacent to Topanga) I know you’re worried, okay, but rest assured a good plane is like a fine wine. It only gets better with age. Dexter: (Enters plane and heads towards front)Welcome aboard. I’m captain Dexter Jorgensen. (Turns and faces the passengers) Because of the nature of these small airplanes, I’m gonna have to redistribute some of the weight for takeoff. (To Topanga) Ma’am, you’re perfect right where you are. (To Cory) Sir, could you take that seat right over there? (Cory moves back a seat) [Cut to later. The plane is in mid flight.] Topanga: (Trying to comfort herself) Okay, just go to my happy place. Bunnies. Cute little bunnies. Cute little bunnies in tiny crashing planes. Cory, please get over here now. Cory: I have to wait for the ding. Dexter: Oh, ding! Cory: (Moves up a seat, next to Topanga) Well, we definitely learned one thing: You are not a good flyer. Topanga: And you are going to make a very insensitive husband. For somebody else. (Puts on headphones) Dexter: (To Cory) Hey! You’re Eric Matthews’ Brother. Cory: (Suspicious) Yes… Dexter: Yeah, I went to school with Eric. Say hi to him. Cory: Uh, captain, when you say you “went to school” with Eric, you mean you were his teacher, right? Dexter: (Laughs) Yeah. Teacher, that’s funny. No, Eric used to tutor me. Smart kid, your brother. Wish I had his brains. Wouldn’t be doing this. (Turns back to flying. Cory and Topanga look at each other with terrified looks) [SCENE – Feeny’s yard. Morgan and her friends are trying to get candy from Feeny] Morgan: (Dressed as a princess) C’mon, Mr. Feeny, will you please just give me the candy? Feeny: (Holding candy up and away from Morgan) Say “trick or treat,” It’s the rules! Morgan: Trick or treat… Feeny: Say it with vigor like you mean it! Morgan: (Over exaggerated) Trick or treat! Feeny: That’s better. (Brings down candy) I’ll prove that was a worthy effort… A pocket thesaurus for each of you. (Drops a pocket thesaurus in each bag) Morgan & Co.: Boo! Feeny: And some candy. (Drops candy in) Morgan & Co.: Yay!! Feeny: There you go, okay, ski-doodle. (Shoos them away, they exit as Eric walks up) Eric: Mr. Feeny, can I crash at your place tonight? Feeny: Why? Eric: I’m a fight with Jack about his girlfriend. Same old story, sure you heard it a thousand times. She’s a witch, she talks to the devil, and apparently I’m standing between her and the doorway to hell. Feeny: You’re definitely not sleeping here. Eric: I know, but… Of all the nights to fight, Halloween! This is the one holiday that’s supposed to bring loved ones together. Feeny: Yes, well I’m sure that your friendship is strong enough that you’ll endure a little argument. Eric: Friends aren’t supposed to lets girls come between them. Jack has made it perfectly clear that I’m just his roommate. I don’t know why I’m letting this bug me. Feeny: Well, if he were just your roommate you wouldn’t be out here talking to me. Now, Eric, just think of some way to get him to hear you. Eric: Boy, you didn’t even break a sweat on this one. Feeny: I hate to see people fight on the only holiday that brings loved ones together. (Hands him a thesaurus and some candy) Eric: Merry Halloween, Mr. Feeny. (Exits. Phone rings, Feeny picks it up) [Cut to Cory on the plane. There is turbulence] Cory: Feeny, hello? Hi! It’s me, Cory, happy Halloween. Listen, I need your help. Feeny: I’m sure you do. Cory: No, no, I need you to look up someone named Dexter Jorgensen in your school records. Feeny: Mr. Matthews, those files are personal and confidential, why do you ask? Cory: He’s my pilot. Feeny: Uh-oh. Whatever you do, don’t get on that plane. Cory: (More turbulence) Goodbye, Mr. Feeny, I love you very much. Feeny: I’m sure you’ll be fine, Cory. (Hangs up) [Cut back to Cory] Cory: (Hangs up) I lost him. Topanga…? (She’s not there) Oh, no, Topanga, I’ve lost you, too! Topanga: (In the captain’s chair, wearing the hat) No, Cory, I’m right here. (Cory runs over) Cory: What’re you doing? Topanga: Well, Dexter heard that this is my first time flying and that I was afraid, and unlike you, he cared. So he asked me to come up here and face my fears and now I’m flying the plane. Dexter? Dexter: Yes, my co-pilot? Topanga: Is it alright if I see what this bird can do? Dexter: Go for it. (Topanga goes into a nosedive) Cory: NNOOOOO!!!! [SCENE – Jack, Eric, & Shawn’s apartment. It is Halloween and Millie’s party. Everyone, including Jack and Millie, are dancing around spookily in black gowns, chanting “OOOOOOHHHH!!!” Jack is not chanting] Millie: Come on, Jack, chant. Just open your soul and let the spirit take you to the place where darkness reigns. Jack: Can’t we just bob for apples? Shawn: (Enters in gown) Oh, I want to thank whoever provided the shrouds. Mine’s a little snug, anyone want to trade a medium for a large? I love Halloween! Jack: How come everyone’s wearing the same costume? Millie: (Demon voice) It’s not a costume! Jack: My mistake. Shawn: (People around go “Ooooh!!”) Oh, wait, let me try that one over again, cause I wasn’t ready. (They stop) three, two, one… (They all “Ooooh!!”) Oooohhh!!! Alright, now we’re whaling, par-tay! (Doorbell rings) Oh, hey, you in the shroud, get the door. (Laughs) Millie: (Answers the door, there are three trick-or-treaters: a pirate, a mermaid, and a witch. She hands out candy) One for the little pirate, one for the little mermaid… Oh, and a little witch. (Demon voice) You don’t get any because you mock us. (Closes door, passes bowl to a minion) (Puts on hood) It’s time! Shawn: (With others) Ooooohhh!! (Waves arms around) Jack: Millie, I want to break up. Millie: I’m not Millie. I’m Ushkar, queen of malevolence, daughter of evil. Jack: (Scared) Ushkar, I want to break up. Millie: (All the minions grab and hold Shawn and Jack) It is time for the sacred light beam! Jack: Shawn, we’re in trouble. Shawn: Lighten up, Jack, have some fun. It’s a Halloween party! [Cut to later. Jack & Shawn are tied to the banister] Shawn: Okay, this party sucks. Jack: Eric’s right. You lied to us and turned us against each other. Why? Millie: We needed your apartment, you fool. In this exact spot, your balcony (pulls curtains aside, there is a large crystal thingy there), once in a thousand years Volaris will come into alignment and Satan’s tail will appear, sending a light beam through the crystal of death. Ensuring our immortality and obliterating you. (Meaning Jack & Shawn) Shawn: (With the group, having fun) Ooooooohh!!! Jack: Shawn? Shawn: What? It’s starting to get fun again. Millie: It is written that in this very spot on this very night, a Hunter will be sacrificed. Two Hunters are even sweeter. Eric: (Wearing a shroud, takes off hood, revealing his identity) How about two Hunters and a Matthews? Jack: Eric? You’ve come to save us! Millie: He wouldn’t know how to save you. Eric: Oh yeah? Went to the bookstore, last night. Picked this up. (Holds up a book) Millie: The Bridges of Madison County? Eric: (Realizes, drops book) Uh, and this! (Holds up another book) Witchcraft for Dumb-Dumbs. (Opens book) Yep, bet they mention a counter spell in here somewhere. Millie: (Clock tower bell sounds) It’s too late. It’s time for the sacrificial beam! Eric: (Skimming book) Yep, just hold on a second there, Ishtar… Millie: Prepare to die the death of a thousand deaths. Eric: Hah, here it is. (A beam sh**t from the crystal, hitting Eric in the back) Ow! Hot! Hot! Millie: That’s impossible. The light beam h*t you and you’re alive. Eric: Yep, sunscreen. SPF 45, plus a little zinc oxide on my bum. (Slaps book shut and tucks it under his arm) Maybe next time, Satan! Sorry, guys! Yeah, it’s a shame, shut up, come on, everybody out! Scram! Satan’s children, be gone with you all! Come on! (All but the residents of the apartment and Millie exit) Millie: (To Jack) Too bad. You’re cute, you’re sweet, you’d’ve been the perfect sacrifice. (Walks away) Jack: I appreciate that. Eric: Hey, Millie! (Holds out hand) Keys. (She drops him in his hand) Y’know, (Gets close) It’s a shame you didn’t fall for me. Could’ve been good. (Millie exits, Eric goes to untie Jack) Jack: Eric, I saw that light beam, was that real? Eric: (Unties one hand) Jack, maybe it was maybe it wasn’t. There are some things just too big for our puny heads to comprehend. (Jack unties his other hand) Well, it’s still Halloween, I’m gonna go find another party, come on, Jack. Jack: Eric, wait. Even after all the rotten things I said to you, you’re still gonna invite me to come along? Eric: Of course, man, you’re my friend. Jack: Well, I know that, now. I’m a pretty lucky guy, man. I’m buying. Eric: You better. (Exits with Jack) Shawn: (Still tied to the banister) Gotta love Halloween. Really brings people together. [TAG – Jack, Eric, & Shawn’s balcony. Eric is there with a girl] Sabrina: I love this balcony. Eric: (Nervous) You do? Sabrina: Yeah, it’s got a great view of the river. (Points) And you can see that guy watchin’ TV in his underwear. Eric: I’ve seen him. I was actually just wondering if seeing Volaris did anything for you. Sabrina: Is that his name? Why are you so nervous? Eric: I’m sorry, Sabrina. My buddy just came off kind of a spooky relationship. He was dating a, uh… I’ll just say it: he was dating a witch. Sabrina: What’s so spooky about that? (Tugs on Eric’s arm, goes into apartment) So what’s next? Eric: I don’t know, I figured maybe we’d go get a bite to eat? Alright, cool. (Calling to bedrooms) Hey, Shawn! Want us to pick you up something, man? [Cut to Shawn’s bedroom. Shawn is a frog] Shawn: No, thanks. I’m feeling a little bit bloated. [Cut back to living room] Eric: See ya, Shawn. (Exits with Sabrina) [Cut back to Shawn’s room] Shawn: (Still a frog) Ya gotta love Halloween.

{"type": "series", "show": "Boy Meets World", "episode": "05x05 - The Witches of Pennbrook"}

foreverdreaming

Opening Credits Ben Savage: (Voiceover) Previously and absolutely unbelievably on Boy Meets World [sh*ts from scene in hotel hallway in Prom-ises, Prom-ises] Alan: We’re having a baby! Cory: You’re having a baby? [sh*ts from scene in the Matthews’ backyard in Things Change] Feeny: (To Cory) I’m retiring. Cory: What do you mean by that? [sh*ts of the graduation ceremony in Graduation] Topanga: Mr. Feeny said I should go to Yale unless I have a really good reason not to. Cory: Well, there isn’t any good reason. Topanga: Actually, there is. Feeny: Ladies and gentlemen, the John Adams High School Class of nineteen hundred and ninety-eight! (The whole class, except Cory & Topanga, stands) Topanga: (Cory stands halfway) Will you marry me? (Cory sits, the students all cheer, except Cory & Topanga, who stare at each other.) [SCENE – Auditorium stage after the graduation ceremony. Everyone except Cory and Topanga have left. They are still staring at each other] Topanga: Cory? Cory: (Looking confounded) Did I just ask you to marry me? Topanga: I asked you. Cory: But I always thought that I’d be the one to propose. Topanga: Well, I b*at you to it. Cory, if you wanna be the one… Cory: (Interrupting) No, no, no, no… This is the nineties, what’s done is done. So, okay. You proposed! Hey, we better get to that graduation party… (Stands to leave) Topanga: (Grabs Cory’s hand) I’d like an answer, Cory. Cory: (Sits) And I’m gonna give it to you. But you know, Topanga, it’s not every day a guy gets asked a question like that, and it’s not everyday I can give you an… (Interrupting him, Topanga pulls him towards her and gives him a passionate kiss) So you got a ring for me or what? (Topanga smiles) [SCENE – John Adams’ High School hallway. Students mill about as Cory and Topanga enter together, still wearing their gowns] Cory: Topanga, listen, I wanna be with you more than anything in the world, okay? But I cannot let you give up Yale for me. Topanga: Do you honestly want me to go to Yale? Cory: …No. Topanga: Then shut up about it! Pennbrook is a great school, I’m gonna get a great education. Besides, what good is college without this face? (Puts hands on Cory’s cheeks) Cory: It’s no good, it’s no good at all. Topanga: So when do you want to do it? Cory: Do what? Topanga: Get married, Cory! Cory: Topanga, I don’t know about… I haven’t even had time to think… Topanga: (Interrupting, walking with Cory’s hand) How about right away? Cory: Right away? Right away when? Topanga: Cory, we’ve been dating each other since we were two. We’ve both had a chance to be with other people. Cory: Yeah, I wonder what she’s doing. (Topanga hits his arm) Topanga: Do you think we’ll be together for the rest of our lives? Cory: Yeah, I know we will. Topanga: So do I. We’re not like other people, Cory, we’re weird! Let’s just do it! Plus, I wanna have time for our honeymoon before college starts. (Takes his arm, begins walking) Cory: A honeymoon, huh? Topanga: Mm-hm. Cory: And on this honeymoon, you and I, we’d probably… Topanga: (interrupting) Oh, there’s a good chance, yeah. (Nods) Cory: A good chance, keep talking… Topanga: Let’s go tell you parents. (Walks past Cory, he stops her) Cory: No! I mean, no, I don’t think we should tell my parents, they’re going through a lot right now with the baby coming and everything and I don’t know if they’d understand. In fact, they’re incapable of understanding. I don’t think we should tell anyone. (Topanga looks sad) Y’know, until we figure out what we’re gonna do. Topanga: Cory, you do wanna marry me, don’t you? Cory: Yeah, I just… (Sees some people nearby, swings around Topanga and leans in) I don’t want everyone sticking their noses in our business. Y’know, I mean, this is our lives, this is for us to decide. Okay, promise you won’t tell a soul. Topanga: Okay, I promise. I kind of like it, it’s very Romeo & Juliet. Cory: (Laughs) That’s why we’re not telling anyone, whatever you need. Topanga: So are we engaged or what? Cory: Yeah, if you don’t open up your big mouth. Topanga: (Swooning) You… (Kisses him, then they hug) Feeny: (Approaches) Congratulations you two. Cory: (Still hugging Topanga, eyes widen) Oh my god, he knows! Topanga: (Still hugging) Cory, Mr. Feeny is congratulating us on graduating, so, uh, why don’t you thank him? Feeny: Is there something else? Cory: (Pulls away from Topanga) Nothing! Get off my back! Feeny: (Holds up hands) Whatever you say. Cory: (laughs) Oh, you’re a smart one, aren’t you, George, huh? You know you know. I know you know, I don’t know how you know, but I know that you know! Feeny: (Indifferent) Alright, I know… I know everything… Now, what in the world are you talking about? Cory: Nothing! (Takes Topanga’s hand) This gets out, I’ll hunt you down like a dog! (Runs away with Topanga, who waves goodbye, grinning) [SCENE – Shawn, Jack, and Eric’s apartment. There is a knock at the door, Shawn answers. It’s Cory] Cory: How ya doing? Shawn: (Surely) Topanga asked you to marry her. Cory: I hate you. [Cut to Angela’s room. Angela is doing her hair in the mirror, talking to Topanga, who is on the bed] Angela: Boys are so weird. Topanga: I know… But I love him and I want to be with him till he dies. But you can’t tell anyone, not even Shawn. [Cut to Shawn’s apartment] Cory: Feeny told you, didn’t he? I’m gonna find him and rip him apart!! (Mimics ripping) Shawn: I was sitting right next to you, you dope. I heard everything. [Cut to Angela’s room] Angela: (Stands) That’s why he looked to scared. (Sits on bed) Topanga: I don’t think he was scared, I just think he was a little flustered. [Cut to Shawn’s apartment] Cory: I was a little flustered, that’s all. Shawn: You looked like somebody sh*t you in the head. But hey, I don’t blame you. Y’know, if Angela asked me that in the middle of my graduation, I’d wet my gown, too. (He and Cory look at Cory’s crotch) [Cut to Angela’s room] Angela: Girl, at our age, we are supposed to be having fun, not getting married. What idiot doesn’t know that? [Cut to Shawn’s apartment] Shawn: Marry her. Cory: What? Shawn: I think you should marry her. Cory: Shawn, that’s not what you’re supposed to say. You’re supposed to say that you think we’re crazy. Shawn: Well, you’re crazy if you think you haven’t been married to her your entire life. You might as well get presents. Cory: Well, I do need a new toaster… But no. No! Rushing into marriage right now is way too overwhelming, what with high school ending, college starting… Shawn: And you’re scared to tell your parents. Cory: Well, I see no reason why they ever have to know. [Cut to hallway, Shawn and Cory walk out of the apartment] Shawn: Well, if we’re done talking about you, I’ve got some news. Cory: Well, we’re not done talking about me. How selfish are you? Shawn: Look, (shuts door) I think I’m gonna take courses at Pennbrook. Cory: Good, have a nice day. Shawn: Which means that I’m gonna be living in a dorm. So, if you’re not ready to have Topanga as a roommate… (elevator arrives) Cory: Wait, you and me together, that’s two proposals in the same day, Shawn. I must be the luckiest boy in the world! (Eric & Jack lean their heads out of the elevator inquisitively) Well, Shawnie. I’m glad you decided to go to college, bud. Shawn: Thanks. (They hug) Jack: (With Eric, steps out of elevator) Wait a minute, what’s he talking about? Shawn: I’m gonna take come college courses. I love my job, but there’s more to life than photographing naked ladies. Jack: Oh, hey, that’d great, buddy! You’re going to college! (Hugs Shawn) Alright! Eric: There’s no more to life than naked ladies. Except maybe naked ladies that wear really tight shirts and really tight pants. (Smiles) Jack: (To Shawn) Look, I’m proud of you, okay? (Turns to Eric) The problem with you, is you don’t know how to be supportive. Okay, I want you to be supportive. Eric: (Dejected) Sorry, I’ll try… Cory: You know, this means that Shawn and I are gonna be roommates. Jack: What? Eric: (Pressed) I support that! Jack: (To Eric) Unbelievable. Eric: (To Shawn) I support that! Jack: (To Eric) I don’t believe you! Eric: (Falls to his knees, hugs Shawn’s waist) I am so proud of you!! Jack: (To Eric) Yeah… That’s great, good job. (Eric stands) (To Shawn) Please don’t move out. Shawn: Hey, school doesn’t start for two months. Cory: You guys should have plenty of time to find a new roommate. Eric: Cannot be done! Jack: We are very particular! Eric: We got strict requirements! (Cory & Shawn exit into the elevator) (Rachel appears through a doorway in the back, yelling offstage) Rachel: (Tearfully) I give up a scholarship to Yale (Throws suitcase out of the room) to move to Philadelphia with you, and you tell me you’re going (Throws bag out of room) to Corpus Christi to find yourself? You know what? (Picks up framed photograph, looks at it) Find this! (Throws photo, shuts door and exits into hallway, where Jack & Eric just witnessed the event) Eric: (To Jack) She pretty. Jack: Dat a lot of woman. Rachel: (Tearfully) Like this guy doesn’t make any sense, does it? Eric: (To Rachel) I think you did a wonderful job and I support you. Rachel: (Sets down bags in front of the elevator) And I really thought that we loved each other. Now I have no place to stay, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. (Sits on a suitcase) Eric: (Laughing cruelly) Oh, man, I don’t envy you! [Cut to later. Jack, Eric, Rachel, and Rachel’s suitcases are gone, replaced by a large pile of clothes. The elevator opens, revealing Shawn. A bag flies onto the pile. Jack and Eric and throwing stuff from their apartment onto the pile. Shawn enters the apartment] Shawn: What’s all my stuff doing out in the hallway? (Eric throws a bag into Shawn, who catches it) Jack: Oh yeah, we found a new roommate. Eric: Get out. Here, I’ll help. (Picks up a pillow) Shawn: School doesn’t start for two months. Jack: Well, the funny thing is, we found someone who meets every one of our strict requirements. Shawn: I’m gonna have to tell this guy that he can’t move in here till I’m good and ready to move out. (Enter Rachel in a purple silk robe) Rachel: Hey, do you guys have any toothpaste that I could borrow? (See Shawn, waves) Hi. Shawn: (To Jack & Eric) Let me help you here. Yeah… (Jack & Eric agree) Eric: Just throw stuff out the door… There you go. Jack: You’re good. Shawn: Well… (Eric throws him out the door, onto the pile, then shuts the door) [SCENE – Matthews’ backyard. Cory, Topanga, Angela, and Shawn all walk by. Angela and Shawn enter the house. Topanga is about to, but Cory stops her.] Cory: Hey, hey, come here. You didn’t tell Angela about us, did you? Topanga: I would never! Why? Cory: Y’know, she was sh**ting me nasty looks at dinner and I almost didn’t enjoy my pudding. Topanga: Did you say anything to Shawn about us? Because I think he’s been winking at me. Cory: (Gasps girlishly) I would never! Hey, I know how to keep a secret. And remember, my parents are in there, so just act natural. (Cory & Topanga enter the Matthews’ kitchen, where Amy, Alan, and Morgan are sitting at the table with Shawn and Angela standing nearby) Alan: Cory, Shawn just told us the big news, why didn’t you say anything? Cory: (To Shawn) You told them?! Topanga: (To Cory) You told Shawn?! Cory: (To Topanga) Oh, of course I told Shawn! (To Alan) Aren’t you angry? Alan: Well, you guys have been together forever, why would I be angry? Cory: (Laughs, Mimics wiping sweat from brow) Whoo! (Puts arm around Topanga) Talk about a load off my mind, huh? Alan: Yeah, I think you and Shawn will be very happy together as roommates. Topanga: (To Cory, upset) You and Shawn? What about us? Amy: Topanga, I don’t think the school would allow you and Cory to be roommates, unless you were married. (Chuckles with Alan) Cory: (Quietly to Shawn) Here’s where I’m d*ad. Topanga: (To Cory) I thought we were gonna decide this together. Cory: Well, I was gonna discuss it. Angela: (To Shawn) Hey, you knew about it, too? Cory: (To Topanga) You told Angela? Topanga: You told Shawn! Angela: (To Shawn) Why didn’t you tell me? Shawn: You didn’t tell me! (Enter Eric) Eric: Hey, everybody! I got this new roommate, she is FINE!! Alan: Alright. (Stands) I’d kinda like to know what is going on, now. (Smiles and nods to Eric, who does it back simultaneously) Cory: Okay, dad, uh… see… Topanga and I are… uh, (chuckles uncomfortably) it’s really kind of amusing if you think about it… uh… see, what’s gonna happen is, um… Topanga: (Steps forward) Cory and I are getting married. Alan: (After a long pause, laughing incredulously) Are you out of your minds? Amy: Why? Shawn: Because they love each other. Angela: No, that’s not a reason. They are too young. Alan: (To Cory) You can’t even clean up your room! Cory: I’m gonna get to it… Amy: (Stands) You’ll wait until you finish college. Alan: Of course they will. Shawn: They haven’t decided anything. Alan: Who’s idiot idea was this? Cory: Mine. It was my idiot idea, it’s my idiot life, and I have the right to decide if I want to be a married idiot. Topanga: I asked Cory to marry me. Cory: (To parents) Please don’t yell at my fiancé. Amy: Topanga, I thought you had more sense. Morgan: I asked Bobby Piplowski to marry me… then he kicked me. Amy: Have you thought of the responsibilities your gonna have? Angela: No, they haven’t. They haven’t thought of anything. Shawn: Okay, Angela, let’s stay out of this. (Tries to pull her aside) Angela: (Resists) No, these are our friends. How can you let them ruin their lives?! Shawn: They’re not like us! They’re hopelessly in love! (Realizes) And so are we… So are we. Amy: (To Cory) We have paid for you food, for your clothes, for your phone, for your car insurance… Alan: You think you can handle all that? Cory: You know what? You two got married when you were my age, right? Alan: I was a dope! (Amy looks startled, Alan is suddenly in trouble, glancing back and forth between Amy and Cory) I take that back. What I mean… What I’m trying to say is think of all the things in life you’ll be missing out on. Cory: Dad, Topanga and I are just trying… Alan: (Interrupting) No, no, no… You think you know what you want from your life, huh? You think you’ve got it all figured out. Well, things don’t always turn out the way you plan. So, if you’re gonna do this, you better prepare to make sacrifices. Amy: (Sternly) What sacrifices did you make, Alan? Alan: (Turns to Amy sharply) What? Angela: (To Shawn) What do you mean, we’re not hopelessly in love? Shawn: (Turns to Angela) What? (Amy & Alan and Shawn & Angela begin to bicker. Cory and Topanga walk into the backyard) Topanga: Well, they’re taking it better than I thought. Cory: Well, it isn’t for them to decide. Okay, this is our lives, Topanga, and nobody is gonna tell us what to do. Come on, we’re getting married. (Topanga smiles, Cory takes her hand and exits) [SCENE – Matthews’ kitchen. Shawn & Angela and Alan & Amy are arguing as Morgan and Eric look on] Eric: Hey, hey, hey, HEY!! If everybody will just calm down, I think I can be the voice of reason, here. (Everyone laughs, then the couple continue arguing) (Over arguing) I think they should get married! Shawn: A-men! Angela: Stop it, Shawn. Alan: Eric, sit down! Eric: Thank you, dad. (Sits) Alright, listen. The chances that Cory could find a woman like Topanga are, like, one in a million. Shawn: There’s nobody better. Angela: Well, it’s true. Amy: Oh, we all love Topanga, that’s not the issue! Eric: Yes, but see, in a few years she’s gonna dry up. Gonna get all wrinkly! He might as well just grab her when she’s still smooth, am I right there, dad! (Hits his arm in a manly way) Alan: You’re an imbecile. (He and Eric laugh) Morgan: Have any of you guys noticed that Cory and Topanga aren’t here? (Everyone looks to the open door) [SCENE – Cory’s car on the highway. Cory drives while Topanga rides g*n] Topanga: Cory, are you positive you wanna do this? Cory: We’re in a car, aren’t we? Topanga: Yeah, I know, but you’re not just doing this because your parents are against it? Cory: Topanga, I told you, it’s my life. I decide what I wanna do with it. Topanga: What happens when you get to college and you see everybody meeting each other and dating and having fun… Are you gonna wish you could be doing the same thing? Cory: Well, it didn’t faze me in high school, why should it faze me now? Topanga: Cory, you had your heart set on this big romantic wedding. Cory: Listen, Topanga, I can’t think of anything more romantic than sneaking off to a quiet little wedding chapel in the country. I wanna marry you! That’s what I had my heart set on. I do! Topanga: (Smiles) Well, why did you pass the exit? Cory: (Gruffly) Stop hounding me. [SCENE – Matthews’ kitchen. Morgan, Amy, Alan, Shawn, Angela and Eric are all still sitting around] Amy: Yeah, well we said some pretty awful things. Alan: No, we just told them the truth. They probably just went to think things over. Eric: I’ll bet they eloped. Alan: Without our permission? Cory? I don’t think so. Shawn: Hey, I know him. If he’s forced to choose between anything and Topanga, it’s no contest. Amy: (To Alan) Remember when we told your father we were gonna get married? What did we do? Alan: Well, that was different. I mean, he was stubborn, totally set against it, would listen to anything we had to s… (Realizes, put face in his hands) Oh, boy! Ooooohhh, boy! Shawn: (Quietly) Don’t worry about it. Eric: Guys, can I be the voice of reason here, again? (Everybody laughs) That’s great… Um, maybe you are responsible. In fact, I know you are. What with the bickering and the lecturing and the yelling… Amy: (Interrupting, agitated) Okay, Eric! Eric: We have to support Cory and Topanga and accept this marriage. We can’t push them out of our lives like we pushed them to elope! They love each other and they belong together. Just like me and Rachel. Alan: Who’s Rachel? Eric: She’s my beautiful new roommate angel. (Laughs bashfully) She’s back at the apartment right now with Jack… Oh, no… What if, what if they h*t it off and she cheats on me? (Appalled) That tramp, man! I’m gonna get back and start slapping some people around! (Exits, Alan rushes to lock the door) Amy: It is our fault! We drove them to it. [SCENE – Chapel in the country. After Cory & Topanga knock, Judge Bemis and his wife answer the door] Cory: Judge Bemis? Judge Bemis: Yes? Cory: Hi, I’m Cory Matthews. We talked on the phone. Judge Bemis: Oh, come on in, young man! (Shakes his hand, Cory & Topanga enter) Come on in. And this must be the bride with the nutty name. (Shakes Topanga’s hand) Topanga: Topanga, hi. Judge Bemis: Topanga… (chuckles) That’s silly… This is my wife, Fafoofta. (Shuts door) Foofie: Our one friend calls me Foofie. How do you do? (Shakes Topanga’s hand) How do you do? (Shakes Cory’s hand) Judge Bemis: She’ll be your witness. Foofie: (Weepy) Oh, they’re so young, Henry! Judge Bemis: Pay her no mind, we’ve been marrying folks for 36 years and she bawls like a baby every time. (To Foofie, harshly) Stop it! Topanga: We appreciate you guys doing this for us at such a late hour. Judge Bemis: Oh, nonsense, this is what we do. Besides, we can’t be choosy. Everybody wants a big wedding these days, nobody wants to elope no more. Topanga: Well, I do. Right Cory? (Cory is frozen) Cory, say “I do.” Cory: Already? [SCENE – Jack, Eric, and Rachel’s apartment. Jack and Rachel, there alone, are talking to each other] Jack: Shawn and I are very different people. But, we’re brothers and there’s really nothing we wouldn’t do for each other. Then we b*at each other up. Rachel: Yeah, me and my sister are the same way. Jack: Oh, well if you’re ever homesick and you wanna wrestle… (Smiles) Rachel: What, me wrestle you? Oh, god no, I’m a girl… (Jumps onto Jack, pinning him on the couch) Jack: Whoa! Rachel: (Atop Jack) But I am one big ol’ girl! (Enter Eric, who screams funnily upon seeing Rachel sitting on Jack) Jack: Yeah, that’s right. (Mimics Eric’s scream) She’s sitting on me, man! Rachel: (Gets off him) Oh, we were just fooling around. Jack: (Clinging to her hand) Oh, no, please don’t go. Rachel: So, where were you, Eric? Eric: Oh, well, hi, while you guys were here having your little sumo-fest, I was putting a crisis out on the home front. Rachel: Wow, is everything okay? Eric: (Gets a soda from the fridge) It is, now. Cory and Topanga, that’s my little brother and Topanga, they ran off to elope. My parents kinda went mental, I calmed everything down. (Taps top of soda can) Rachel: How’d you do that? Eric: I said, “Calm down, you!” (Rachel nods in approval) Yep, then I explained to ‘em that we love both my brother and Topanga and it would be… it would just be better if we accepted the marriage rather than push them out of our lives and make them hate our guts, y’know? Rachel: That is so romantic of you. (Tugs his shirt) Eric: (Laughs bashfully, which turns to bragging laughter when he turns to Jack) Jack: Oh, she’s not sitting on you, is she? Eric: (Taps temple) Oh, in here she is, my friend, in here she is. Jack: Oh yeah…? Eric: That’s right… Rachel: You know, I can hear everything you guys are saying. (Jack and Eric look to Rachel, aghast) Oh, you guys are terrific. (Puts arms around them) Y’know, being with you makes me realize what a creep my boyfriend really is. Eric: You deserve better. Jack: You deserve the best! Eric: I’m sayin’! Rachel: You know what my problem is? My problem is that I always feel that I need a man in my life. (Eric cuddles her shoulder) And I always choose the wrong one. (Looks to Eric, then Jack) This is why I’m so lucky I found you two. Jack: Oh… (Rachel walks away, he and Eric are visibly smitten) Rachel: God, it’s such a relief knowing we can live together with all that… y’know… (Waves hands subtlety but suggestively) Eric: (Feigned grinning) Yeah… That is good… Jack: That’s a relief… Eric: Yeah. Oooh… Rachel: (Walks over) We’re gonna be just like girlfriends. (Pats their heads, exits to the bedrooms) Jack: Girlfriends… Eric: (Jumbled) Just a minute! (Holds up a finger) If I understand this correctly, girlfriends sleep together, bathe together, and even get to see each other naked. Jack: (After a pause) We already do that. (Eric looks around suspiciously, then holds up a hush finger) [SCENE – Matthews’ backyard. Feeny has joined Shawn, Angela, Amy, and Alan in the waiting game] Amy: (Pacing) Oh, it’s all my fault. I came down way too hard on them. I made them do it. Alan: (Sitting on bench) I’m the one that jumped all over him. Cory stood up to me like a man and I just sh*t him down. Shawn: (Leaning on fence) No, no, Cory came to me for advice. He wanted me to tell him to wait. I told him to go ahead and get married. Angela: (Sitting on bench arm) (After a pause where everyone looks at her) Well, hey, don’t look at me. I said all the right things. But it didn’t matter. Feeny: (Leaning on fence from his yard) You can’t tell Cory and Topanga what to do. I’ve been trying to do that since the first grade. I remember when I tried to separate their desks. She kicked me. He bit me. And some little punk kept saying, “Leave ‘em alone! They should get married!” Shawn: I was cute then, huh? Feeny: (Sarcastically) Precious… But the point is, your advice came from a good place. But Cory and Topanga aren’t in the first grade anymore. They made their own decision and I think they’ll be fine because they’ve been well brought up. Alan: And well taught. Shawn: Well, I’ve… I’ve done the best I can. (Rubs chin wistfully) Amy: Alan? Alan: What’s wrong? Amy: (Sits next to Alan) I wish we could be at the wedding. [SCENE – Chapel. Foofie is playing the wedding march on the organ, Judge Bemis stands in the front of the room, behind a podium with a bible on it. With the song, Cory and Topanga slowly step towards Judge Bemis, Topanga carrying a bouquet of flowers. Foofie turns to Cory & Topanga, looking sad, but still playing. Cory & Topanga reach the front of the room and Judge Bemis does the k*ll sign. Foofie abruptly stops playing] Judge Bemis: We are gathered here today to join in holy matrimony Cory and Topanga. Foofie: (Next to Judge Bemis, weeping) But they’re so young, Henry… Judge Bemis: (To Foofie) Why don’t we just give them back their money? Foofie: That would be a nice gesture. Judge Bemis: Thirty-six years and she still don’t get it. This is what we do for a living! Where was I? Cut to the chase… Do you, Cory, take Topanga to be your wife? To honor and cherish her, for rich or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part? Cory: Well, I always have. (Looks into Topanga’s eyes) I always will. (Looks to Judge Bemis) I do. Judge Bemis: And do you, Topanga, take Cory to be your husband? To honor and cherish him, for rich or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part? (Cory’s grin slowly fades as Topanga doesn’t answer. He turns to look at her) To be continued…

{"type": "series", "show": "Boy Meets World", "episode": "06x01 - His Answer (Part 1)"}

foreverdreaming

Opening Credits [sh*t from the chapel from His Answer, Cory has a freaked out look on his face] Ben Savage: (Voiceover, as Cory) In case you didn’t see last week’s Boy Meets World, here’s why I have this look on my face. [sh*t from the chapel from His Answer, Cory’s face is normal. NOTE: Only the first line is a flashback, the rest is a new scene] Judge Bemis: And do you, Topanga, take Cory to be your husband? To honor and cherish him, for rich or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part? (Cory’s face changes to looking freaked out) Topanga: I… I… Cory: (Whispering) Do. Topanga: I… Cory: (Quietly) We got “I,” we’re looking for “do.” Topanga: I… this is just the strangest thing. Cory: (Embarrassed, to Judge Bemis) Excuse me… (Pulls Topanga aside) Topanga, listen, you can do this. Okay, I did it. I was a real man about it. Now don’t leave me up here in my wedding dress. Topanga: Let me try this again. Cory: Okay. (They go stand in front of Judge Bemis) Judge Bemis: Now we’re cooking with gas! Topanga: I… Cory & Foofie: Do… (Judge Bemis joins) Do… Topanga: Can’t. I can’t. Cory: Oh, you hate to see that! Topanga: I’m so sorry, Cory. I’m so sorry, Judge Bemis, Foofie. (Hands her bouquet, exits) Cory: (To Judge Bemis) You know what’s funny? Judge Bemis: What’s that, son? Cory: She asked me. [SCENE – Cory’s car on the highway. Cory is driving, with Topanga riding g*n] Cory: (Sarcastically) Boy, I am so sorry my family missed that. Topanga: (Meekly) I’m sorry, Cory. Cory: Wow. Topanga: I don’t know what to say. Cory: “Do”! Y’know, “Do”? It’s the first half of your favorite word: don’t. Topanga: I don’t like your tone. Cory: (Laughing) You don’t like my… I drive a thousand miles to marry her and she don’t like my tone. That is really rich. Topanga: I want my family to be at my wedding. I want your family to be there. Cory, I wanna wear a wedding dress! A white, lacy wedding dress! Cory: Of course white. The way we’re going, bright white. Snow white. Whiter than the white-hot light of a thousand burning suns! Topanga: How long are you gonna be mad at me? Cory: Ten minutes. [SCENE – Matthews’ kitchen. Alan and Amy, now dressed in robes, are still just waiting around, only now they’re alone. Amy is at the table, Alan is a drink from the fridge] Amy: We raised Cory carefully. We teach him everything we know. We do the best we can. And then we disagree over one thing and all of a sudden, he’s gone. Alan: (Sits next to Amy) He’s not gone. He’s a good kid. He would never get married without us. Amy: Are you sure? Alan: Absolutely not. (Amy sighs, leaning backwards) But what the heck. (Pats her belly) We’re having another one, aren’t we? (Kisses her) Hm? Amy: (To her unborn child) I’m giving you the next eighteen years of my life, don’t you ever do anything without mom. Alan: He won’t. And neither will I. So, come one, let’s all go to bed. Okay? (Amy stands, still upset) Come on, it’s quarter after three! Only creeps and weirdoes are up now! (Enter Eric) Eric: How ya doin’? Amy: You were thinking about your brother, weren’t you? Eric: (Sarcastically) Yeah, I gotta a six-foot-tall Wonder Woman sleeping in the room next to me, I was thinking about my brother though, yeah. (Grabs a drink from the fridge) Alan: What’re you doing here? Eric: Well, I couldn’t sleep, if you know my current sitiation. And there’s nothing on TV. (Sits) So… Hey, wait a second. What are you guys doing up? The only people up now are creeps and weirdoes. (Enter Shawn) Shawn: How ya doin’? Amy: Shawn, what’re you doing here? Shawn: Eighteen years I’m his best friend. (Open fridge) I raise his right, teach him everything I know… (Grabs a drink, closes fridge) Amy: Yeah? I thought you wanted them to get married. Shawn: Yeah, but not without me. I was supposed to be the best man. Eric: Hey! Wait a second, I’m supposed to be the best man! Maybe that’s why they eloped, they couldn’t choose between us. Shawn: (Looks at Eric judgingly) No, Eric. No. They eloped because your parents tried to tell them what to do. (Sits) So they drove up to some Justice of the Peace up north, at least that’s what he said on the machine. Alan: You heard from him? He really did get married? Amy: (Hits Alan with dish towel) “He’s a good kid. He’ll never get married without us”?! I am keeping my knees together and this one is never getting out! Shawn: Can I crash on your guy’s couch? I don’t wanna be up this late with all the creeps and weirdoes. (Enter Feeny) Feeny: (Solemnly) How ya doin’? (Walks towards fridge) I couldn’t sleep! Alan: Why not? Feeny: (Opens fridge, grabs a drink, walks back towards door) Well! You got all the lights on… everybody’s yelling… Eric parked his car in my garden. Eric: (Stands) So, what the hell do you care? You’re moving. Yeah, go ahead, Feeny, retire. Take care of yourself, it’s what you’re best at. Amy: The man has given the last forty years of his life teaching people. Eric: Don’t care. k*ll his flowers. k*ll ‘em. Feeny: (Pats Eric’s shoulder) Eric, when someone you care for makes a considered decision to change his life, then those who do care should offer their support, and respect his decision. Eric: (Weepy) Aw, Feeny, you had me at “Eric,” man. Come here. (Hugs him) Alan: You’re right, George. We should accept what they’ve done and do something to show our support. I mean, after all, we’re talking about Cory and Topanga, here. Feeny: Cory and Topanga? I was talking about a going away party for me. Eric: (Frustrated) You’re going away? You’re still going away? Oh, for the love of Mike, stop with the minds games, man! Feeny: (Grabs Eric’s arm and shows him to the rest of the room like he’s disciplining a child) Y’know, this is the reason I can’t sell my house! (Exits in a huff) [SCENE – Cory’s car on the highway. Same setup at before. Topanga moves the rearview mirror so it is facing her] Cory: (Sternly) Put the mirror back. Topanga: Jeez, sorry, I’ll put it back just like you had it. (Does so) There. Cory: (Double takes at the mirror) Great, now I can see if there are any cars coming up my crotch! Topanga: Stop snapping at me! Cory: We ran out together, and you know what we did? Nothin’. Our big dramatic moment, and you know what we did? Nothin’! Topanga: I DON’T CARE ABOUT A BIG DRAMATIC MOMENT, CORY! (Cory is petrified) It’s not right to run off together because we think we have something to prove. When we get married, I wanna have a big cake. I want doves. Cory: (Thinks) No doves. (Topanga looks at him longingly) You were right. We did the right thing. Marriage should be a celebration, not a secret. Topanga: Thank you. Cory: You owe me the rest of your life, you know. Topanga: (Smiles) It’s yours. (Rubs his hair) [SCENE – Jack, Eric, and Rachel’s apartment in the morning. Rachel is making breakfast when Eric and Jack enter from the bedrooms, still in their boxers and t-shirts with serious bed-head. They see Rachel, see themselves, then run back into the bedrooms and reemerge all-too-quickly fully dressed, albeit a bit sloppily] Eric: Hey, Rachel, what’s up? Jack: Rach-el, how ya doing? (Flips sleeve around his neck casually) What smells so good? Rachel: I am making you two French toast. But, I’m not gonna do it every day, so get spoiled, okay? Eric: (Laughs) Okay… (Pulls Jack aside) Jack-Jack-Jackie-Jack-Jack… Live a healthy life, eat all your vegetables, honor your father and your mother, and heaven will reward you with a hot-hot-hotty-hot-hotty-hotty-hot-hot for a roommate. Rachel: I need to tell you two something. (Walks over) Eric: (Turns to face her) Don’t leave, we’ll do anything. Rachel: When I met you I was in really bad shape. (Sits on stool) But you two, you took me in and you rescued me. I just want you to know how grateful I am to you. I’m so lucky, you guys are my heroes. Thank you so much. (Kisses Eric’s cheek) Eric: Thank you. (Rachel goes to kiss Jack’s cheek, but Eric pulls her away and kisses her cheek instead) Rachel: Thanks. Jack: We’re the ones that are lucky. (Kisses her cheek) Rachel: (Bashfully) Oh… (Everyone is laughing) Eric: Come here, you! (Hugs Rachel, then Jack hugs Rachel) Rachel: (They all stop laughing in a sigh) Excuse me… (Walks away) Eric: Okay… Rachel: (Stops) Oh, by the way, by the way. I promise I’m not gonna be a bathroom hog, but I really do like to start the morning with a bubble bath. Between all the aroma therapy beads and all the bubbles and… it’s just my favorite part of the day. Is that okay? Jack: Yeah. Eric: I demand you take bubble baths. Rachel: (Crosses are skeptically) Really, why? Eric: “Why?” Jack? Jack: Well, um, y’know, if you didn’t take bubble baths that means you’re not comfortable… Eric: Comfortable. Jack: Living with us. Eric: (With Jack’s last line) Here, with us. Jack: We just want you to be yourself. Eric: With bubbles. Rachel: Oh, you guys. (Starts towards bathroom) Y’know, I am this close to being glad that my boyfriend actually left me. Jack & Eric: No! (Rachel exits) Jack: Oh, man. That girl is taking a bubble bath in the bathtub of our bathroom. We’re geniuses. Eric: (Turns to Jack) Dude! Don’t know if this is the right time to say it… I love you, man. Jack: Dude, don’t even, man, I’m the one that loves you! Eric: Dude? Jack: Dude! (They hug happily) Rachel: (From bathroom) Oh, boys, y’know what? I can’t figure out how to work the stopper in the bathtub. Can one of you please come show me. (Eric punches Jack, then tries to run to the bathroom. Jack grabs him and flips him onto the couch. Eric grabs Jack’s leg as Jack tries to get away. In the end, they both fall on the floor) [SCENE – Matthews’ backyard. Cory & Topanga enter] Topanga: Cory, wait. I’m scared. I don’t want your parents to be mad at me, I love them. Cory: Well, they are gonna be mad. Topanga, in fact, if I know anything, they’re gonna be furious. (Cory enter the kitchen, followed by Topanga. A banner hangs over the door in the back reading: “Congratulations newlyweds”. Alan, Amy, Morgan, Shawn, Angela, Eric, Jack, and Feeny all enter from that door simultaneously] All: (Except Cory & Topanga) Congratulations! Alan: So proud of you! (Hugs Topanga) Amy: Congratulations, it’s really great. (Hugs Cory, who’s scared stiff) Morgan: (To Topanga) I’ve always felt like you were a sister to me. Now you really are. (Hugs her) Eric: (Holding a bowl of cheese balls) Cory, you’ve gotta try these cheese balls, man. (Offers bowl) They are, like, insane they’re so good. Topanga: (To Cory, confused) What’s happening? Cory: They think we’re married. Shawn: (Approaches holding drinks) Oh, you guys look exactly the same. (Gives Cory a drink) What’d I tell you, Cor? You were always married. (Puts his arm around him) Doesn’t take a piece of paper to change what always was. Cory: Shawn, I gotta tell you something. Shawn: Oh, and I wanna hear all about it. (Laughs) But not in front of your parents, okay? (Walks away) Alan: (Taps pitcher with a spoon) Okay, everybody, listen up, please. I just wanna say that I am the luckiest man in the world. I have one beautiful wife (kisses Amy), a lovely daughter (kisses Morgan’s head), and one wonderful son! (Points to Cory) Eric: (Angrily) HEY!! Alan: (Laughing, pointing to Eric) Hey! And, uh, and now I have yet another lovely daughter. (Kisses Topanga’s cheek) Cory: (To Topanga, quietly) I think we should tell him. Topanga: Not now, he’s talking about me. Alan: To Cory and Topanga. (Raises glass) All the best. We love you. All: (Except Cory, Topanga, and Alan) (Raises glasses) Cory and Topanga! Yeah! Whoo! Feeny: Well, well, well… Cory: No, Mr. Feeny… Feeny: (Interrupting) No, it’s my turn, Mr. Matthews. You have done quite enough tonight, now, haven’t you? (Eric, Shawn, and Angela laugh suggestively) Feeny: For forty years I have taught young men and women. I have seen countless love struck children. But I have never see the love, the loyalty, and the fun that I have seen in you two. My friends, my dears. (Raises glass) Cory and Topanga. Alan: Here here! Angela: Cory and Topanga! (The rest of the room cheers various things) Amy: Well, it’s the mother’s turn, and I do wanna say something. I have watched these two grow up, (turns to Alan) boy have I, (turns back to Cory & Topanga) and here they are now. Adults. Just fresh out of high school. Don’t know anything about the world at all… (Turns to Alan) I’m sorry, I can’t do this. This is a mistake. And I do not support it. (Turns to Topanga) Why couldn’t you have just gone to Yale? Eric: (Raises glass happily) Here here! [SCENE – Matthews’ kitchen, continued from earlier] Topanga: I should go. Cory: No, Topanga, you’re not leaving your own wedding reception. Topanga: (To Amy) I’m sorry for any pain I’ve caused. (Exits) Cory: Topanga! (To Amy) How could you say that to her? Amy: I’m sorry… Cory: No, you’re sorry, so for fifteen years you’ve been lying to me?! Amy: No! Cory: No? You’ve been lying to me about how you feel about us, and to me about how you feel about her. (Points to door) Amy: I want what I believe is best for you, Cory! And to… Cory: (Interrupting) What’s best for us, mom, is for you to trust us!! I love her, alright?! I will always love her! And you know something else, we didn’t get married! Because she wanted you to be there! (Exits) [SCENE – Jack, Eric, and Rachel’s apartment. Jack is wrapping a gift when Eric enters] Eric: Who’s the present for? Jack: No one. Eric: You bought a present for Rachel, didn’t you? (Takes gift) Jack: No, I didn’t! Eric: Oh, it’s a book! Jack: (Gently takes it back) So she has something to read in the bathtub. Eric: Do you know something? That’s cold. You’re trying to get her to like you more than she likes me, that is cold, man! (Walks just outside the door and grabs something) How about all that stuff before about all “Dude, I love you!” All that stuff, it’s just plain cold! (Reenters with a giant gift-wrapped cage) Jack: Oh, and uh, what’s that, slime-wipe? (points to Eric’s gift) Eric: (Shrugs) Some kind of bird, for Rachel. (Laughs cruelly) Ha, ha, ha, your present’s stupid! (Enter Rachel from bedrooms) Rachel: Hey, guys. Jack: Oh, hey Rachel. Eric: Hey, I bought you this bird! (Pulls gift-wrap covering off the bird cage) It reminded me of you because it had bright red feathers and it eats like a bird. Rachel: You bought be a present? Jack: Oh, and I got you this book. (Presents book to her) Um, which I’ve read and I thought maybe you’d like it. Rachel: (Reads cover) Keats, how did you know he was my favorite poet? Eric: (Steps closer) I told him. (Rachel sighs, looking worried, then exits into the bedrooms) (To Jack) What just happened? Jack: Something bad. Eric: (Bird squawks) Can we eat this? [SCENE – Matthews’ kitchen. Alan sits at the table while Amy pours coffee] Amy: Too young to even think about marriage. Alan: I understand that you don’t want our little boy to make a mistake, but he’s not a little boy anymore. Amy: (Sits) Please, I still lay out his clothes! And what she wants to do… Alan: (Interrupting) Topanga. Amy: Right. What she wants to… Alan: (Interrupting) Topanga. Use her name. Amy: Right. What Topanga wants to do is… Alan: (Finishing her sentence) Lay his clothes out for him. Amy: What? Alan: Take care of him. Be there for him. Amy, do you think that this would bother you as much if this was some girl who couldn’t take care of him as well as you have? Do you really think that Topanga isn’t right for him? Amy: It isn’t about that, they are too young. He’s not ready. (Suddenly weepy) I’m not ready… Yes, she’s right for Cory. She loves him. (Alan nods) Yes, she’ll take care of him. (Long Pause) And he’ll be happy. (Long pause, almost cries) Oh, God… I’m jealous of her. Alan: (Chuckles, hugs her) Oh, honey. (Rubs her back) Hey, we still have Eric. Amy: Oh, God… [SCENE – Jack, Eric, and Rachel’s apartment. Jack and Eric are waiting anxiously] Jack: She’s been in there a really long time. Eric: I know. You don’t think that she, like… (Mimics someone hanging them self) Jack: Nah, she’s too tall for that. (Sits on couch) We’re freaks, man. She just comes off a bad relationship, she’s vulnerable… Eric: Yeah, both of us are going after her like she’s some kind of cheese ravioli. (Sits) Jack: Yep, when she really needs a couple of friends. Eric: I’m telling you, Jack, we better make it safe for her around here before it’s too late. (Enter Rachel dragging a huge, heavy suitcase) Jack: (Stand with Eric) Oh, no, it’s too late! Eric: We’re not letting you go! Rachel: What? Jack: We know why you think you have to leave. Rachel: (Grunts, drops suitcase) Why do I have to leave? Eric: Because of the extreme sexual tension that we have created in this, here, your new habitat. Rachel: Oh, yeah, you feel it, too, huh? Jack: (Eric makes “little bit” gesture) Yes, and we realize that if we have any chance of keeping you here we need to stop thinking of you as a… Eric: (Finishing Jack’s sentence) Puff pastry on a plate. Jack: And more like a… Eric: (Finishing Jack’s sentence, a bit more dejected) Person… Jack: We won’t chase after you, compete for you, we’ll be what you really need… (He & Eric show her to sit) Eric: Roommates and friends. Rachel: And that’s it? Eric: That’s it. So, what do you think? Jack: Come on, will you stay? Rachel: Stay, I was never moving out. Eric & Jack: Yeah! (High-five, then they grab her suitcase, but she starts talking an they stop) Rachel: (Stands) Y’know, I love my book. (Awkwardly) And my bird, too. (Eric & Jack drop the suitcase) You guys treat me better than my boyfriend ever did. And I think that started to scare me. I just realized that I could easily fall for either one of you. And then I thought, “Well, so what if I do? Because I can deal with that.” Jack: (He and Eric look upset) Oh no! Eric: (Raspy) We guessed wrong. Rachel: No! No, no, no, no, you didn’t! ‘Cause we have to keep this strictly plutonic. No matter what I’m feeling inside. Eric: (Stuttering) Well, uh, well then, what, ehh… What’s in the suitcase then, Rach? Rachel: Just some mementos from my old boyfriend. I was on the way to the incinerator to burn them. So, (grabs suitcase) I guess when I get back, we’ll start our new relationship. (Pause) Thanks, guys. You really saved me from myself. (Walks to door) Y’know, you two are the most sensitive, caring men I have ever met. Thanks. (Exits) Eric: (Oven timer dings) The bird’s ready. (Goes over to oven, opens it, waves smoke away) [SCENE – the Park. Cory and Topanga are leaning against the monkey bars, talking. Alan & Amy approach] Topanga: (To Cory) I should leave. Cory: You don’t need to leave. Amy: Topanga? Um, could you come over here, talk to me for a minute? (Points to bench) Topanga: (Steps to bench, with Amy) I don’t want you to be mad at me. Amy: I’m not mad at you. (Sits with Topanga) [Cut to Cory & Alan] Alan: Why don’t we let them have a little talk? Cory: (Anxiously) Because I’m afraid m om’s gonna k*ll Topanga and bury her in the sandbox![Cut back to Amy & Topanga] Amy: It’s very hard for a mother to think that another woman is gonna take her place with her little boy. Topanga: I could never take your place. I just love your little boy, Mrs. Matthews. Amy: Amy. Use my name. Topanga: (Unsure) Amy… (Smiles, faintly giggles) Amy: And if there is gonna be another person to take my place, I want it to be you. Topanga: (Smiles) Thank you. [Cut to Cory & Alan, who are now on the swings] Alan: Y’know, I’m really proud of you, Cory. You stood up for what you believed in and you made your own decision. Cory: Yeah, but I mean, Topanga was right. It would’ve been wrong to get married just because you said we shouldn’t. Alan: I raised a good man. Cory: You callin’ me a man? Alan: (Stands imposingly) Yeah! You wanna get off that swing and do something about it? Cory: Yeah, I do. (Stands, they hug, then join Amy & Topanga, standing over the bench) Amy: (To Cory & Topanga) We came down here to tell you guys that we well always be here for you, no matter what you decide. Alan: And the one thing we don’t ever wanna do is make you feel afraid to come to us with any important decisions. Cory: Well, we have made a decision. (Topanga nods) In fact, I think we’ve made the most important decision of our lives. Amy: We love you both. And now that there’s gonna be a wedding, you’re gonna need this. (Presents a ring, Topanga is awed) This was my mother’s engagement ring. And I would be honored if you would wear it. Topanga: (Still awed) Amy… Amy: I want it to stay in the family. (Begins putting it on Topanga’s finger) Cory: (Stopping Amy, take ring) Hold it. Remember me? Cory? Don’t I get to do anything? (To Topanga) No, no, no, no, no! (To Amy) I don’t get to propose, I don’t get to put the ring on her hand, I don’t get to do nothin’! Alan: Welcome to marriage. Amy: Oh, Cory, you have a lot to do. A whole wedding to plan. Topanga: Actually, no we don’t. Amy: What? You said no to her, what is the matter with you?! (begins hitting Cory) Cory: (Recoils) Ow, ow, I told you! We made a decision, y’know, we made it together. Topanga: We listened to our friends and we listened to our families, but we made it on our own. Alan: So, what did you decide? Cory: I’m gonna tell you, but there’s something I have to do, first. (Circles around to Topanga’s other side) Topanga, come here. (She stands, he takes her hand) We’ve been together our entire lives. And you know that I love you more than anything in the world. Will you marry me? (Presents ring) Topanga: Yes, Cory. Yes I will. (Cory puts the ring on her finger, they kiss) Alan: Alright, already! When’s the wedding? Cory: That’s what we decided. We’re gonna get married when we’re ready. And when we’re ready, you’ll be the first to know. (Amy nods, Topanga looks up to Cory happily, who looks back down at her admiringly) [TAG – Matthews’ kitchen. The “Congratulations Newlyweds” sign has been changed to read “Congratulations Feeny”. It is Feeny’s going-away party. Alan, Amy, Cory, Shawn, Eric, Topanga, Feeny, Angela, Morgan, and Jack are there] Alan: So, have a great time in Jacksonhole. Here’s to your retirement, George. Here here! (Raises glass) All: (Except Feeny) Here here! (Raises glasses) Feeny: Thank you, Alan. I’ll miss you all. Eric: Well, I guess it’s time for Feeny’s favorite student to make a speech, huh? (Steps forward) For forty years I have watched you educate young men and women. (Turns to Amy) Boy, have I! (Chuckles uncomfortably) I’m sorry, I can’t do this. This is a mistake and I DO NOT SUPPORT IT! (Points at Feeny angrily) (To Topanga, points) Why couldn’t you have just gone to Yale? (Topanga looks stunned) (Exits, almost crying) (Alan rushes behind him, shutting and locking the door)

{"type": "series", "show": "Boy Meets World", "episode": "06x02 - Her Answer (Part 2)"}

foreverdreaming

Opening credits -- Scene one: Penbrooke Student Union. A girl signals with a movie clipboard for the scene of a film to take place. Director: (OS) Alright. Everyone in place? Here we go. And action! Cory and Topanga enter the union. Topanga: Hello. I'm Topanga Lawrence. Cory: Hi, I'm Cory Matthews. (stammering) We'll be hosting your host on this historic tour of Pennbrooke college. Topanga: For over a century, Pennbrooke has become a place where thousands of students come each fall to embark on a journey. Cory: A journey that will take them to a ugiverse of exciting experimences. Topanga: So if Pennbrooke is the college of your choice... Cory: Then, c'mon. Director: Cut! Cut! Cory: Where ya been? I stink! I-I-I think I said the word 'ugiverse!' Director: Shall we try it one more time? Maybe Take 59 will be the charm. Cory: No, no. I knew way back at Take 33, I was sucko. I quit. Everyone cheers but Topanga speaks out. Topanga: I don't understand. Cory and I were picked as the perfect freshmen couple because of our natural chemistry. Director: Yeah. Where'd that go? Shawn: Cory, don't leave yet. I want to hear you butcher the word 'curriculum.' Cory: Oh, yeah? Well, if 'curriculum' is such an easy world, then let's hear you say it. Shawn: Curriculum. Cory: Wow. Director: (pointing a mini-camera at Shawn) Do that again. Shawn: Curriculum. Director: Wow. I like it. Hey, you wouldn't possibly consider, uh... Cory: What a great idea! Shawn, you can take my place. Director: Perfect. Shawn: Oh, uh, I-I don't know. Topanga: I don't feel comfortable doing this unless Cory is going to do it. Shawn: Cory, I can't be you. Cory: Shawn, listen. I don't want to be responsible for ruining this film. Listen, you can take my place. Besides, Topanga we'll be here she'll make you feel comfortable. Shawn: I think it's a bad idea. Cory: Oh, when did I ever have a bad idea? [Cut to the film that is made. Topanga is sitting on the couch with Shawn.] Topanga: The social life at Pennbrooke University will lead to lifelong friendships. (smiles at Shawn) And, who knows? Maybe more. Right, honey? Shawn: (chuckles and puts his arm around Topanga) That's right, Snookums. Why, I remember the first night we met: Right here in the newly remodeled student union paid for by a generous donation of Mrs. Stanley Candleman; class of '48. Cory: Don't they look great together? Director: Yeah, they really do. Cory: I just meant they do. I don't mean they really do. Topanga: In fact, many students wind up meeting their lifelong mates here at Pennbrooke. Shawn: And while that may not be the number one reason to attend Pennbrooke college... Topanga: It sure ranks high on our list. (smiles at Shawn) Cory: Well, that went well. Director: O.K., let's have a nice kiss. Cory: What? Director: Kiss her. Cory: No! Don't! Shawn and Topanga kiss. Director: Come on. More heat! Come on. You're in love. Cory sees the film on the T.V. and hits it. Cory: Less heat! Lesser! Director: Oh, that's hot. That's very hot. Cory grabs a bullhorn and runs over to Shawn and Topanga. Cory: (through bullhorn) Cut! Cut! Cut! Back away from the girlfriend! Commercial Cory: (still speaking through the bullhorn) Who was that?! Shawn: What? Cory: What what? You know what! You kissed my girlfriend. Shawn: (points at the director who is offscreen) He told me to! Cory: If he told you to put a Kn*fe through my heart would you do it? Shawn: It depends! Would you be yelling in my ear through a bullhorn at the time? Cory gives the bullhorn back to the director. Cory: I don't like that you kissed my girlfriend. Shawn: It didn't mean anything. Topanga: Cory, this is silly. Please don't go crazy over this. Please. Cory: Please don't go crazy over this. Please. Scene two: Cory's dorm room. Cory watches the tape of Shawn and Topanga kissing. Cory: Oh, that's right. Kiss him again, yo little... Oh, you hurt me so bad. And you, you best friend gigalo homewrecker. Why don't you take her back to your tornado invested trailer park!!! Aah! (Rips apart his night shirt) TOPANGA! Isaac, his neighbor in the next room hears him. Isaac: (OS) Shut up! Cory: You, shut up! Isaac: No, you shut up! Cory: No, you shut up! Isaac: No, you! Cory: You shut up first! Isaac: No, you! Cory: No, you! Come on! You want a piece of me? I'm not going anywhere! Come on! His door is broken down and Cory finds himself facing a large tough guy. Cory: (sounding similar to Elmer Fudd) Hewwo. Scene three: Eric, Jack, and Rachel's apartment. The three of them are eating breakfast. Jack: Mmm. This is good. Eric: Ooh, Rachel. Another splash of tomato? (offers her a pitcher of tomato juice.) Rachel: Oh, no, no, no. No, thanks, Eric. I really have to get to class. Eric and Jack start clearing the table. Eric: Oh, oh. Here you go. Let's get this. Jack: Here you go. Rachel: Oh, Jack, you really don't have to do that. Jack: Are you kidding? I'm happy to do it. My first class doesn't start for another hour. Eric: My first class is probably over by now. Rachel: You know. Can't we just wait till we get home to do the dishes? (The guys clear off the tablecloth) You know, look you guys, if you're doing this for my benefit it really is not necessary. Eric: For your benefit? Jack: Doing this for you? Eric: See, we do this for ourselves. Jack: It's called personal pride. Rachel: O.K., well, I'm going to class now. Eric gives Rachel her bookbag. Eric: Oh, here you go. Put the bag on there. Rachel: Thanks. Jack: (giving Rachel her lunchbag) Hey, have a great day. Rachel: Thank you. Jack: (Giving Rachel her books) Make a new friend. (Opens the door and speaks quietly) I'll get the door for you. Rachel: Thanks (Both watch her leave and wave to her.) Bye. After Rachel leaves, Eric belches. Eric: Ooooh. I've been holding that in for three weeks. Jack: She's k*lling us, man, with this cleaning and consideration. Eric: I'm telling you something, manners blow. Jack: 'If you're doing this for my benefit it really isn't necessary' my butt. Eric: Hey, who does she think she is? We know what women expect. (starts drinking milk from the carton) Jack: What? Do you think she's the first woman we've ever lived with? Eric: Dude, I've lived with my mother for 18 years. (throws flowers out of a vase) Jack: Women thrive on guys being all proper and crap. Eric: Yeah, I'm tellin' you something. She don't wanna see the real us. (starts drinking water from the vase) Jack: My mother never did. Eric: Yep. Well, mother's can't leave. Hottie-hot roommates have no such allegiance. Jack: You're right. You're right and if we want to keep Rachel here we can never, never show our real selves. Eric: I love your mother. Jack: Wait a minute. Rachel's not here anymore. Eric: Ha! What are we still doing with our pants on? Jack: After you. Eric: Oh, why thank you. Both sit down to take off their pants. Scene four: Cory and Isaac are watching the tape and sobbing. Cory: (Turns of the T.V.) Tramped, man! Isaac: I hear you brother. Cory: I never saw it coming, Isaac. Isaac: You can't blame yourself, little buddy. The same thing happened to me once. Cory: Topanga! Isaac: Fred! Cory gives Isaac a funny look. Scene five: Pennbrooke student union. Shawn is asleep on the couch when Topanga walks in. Topanga: Shawn, wake up. Shawn does. Shawn: No, clown! No! Topanga: (sits next to him) You slept on the couch? Shawn: Oh, yeah. I had to. He, uh, he installed a deadbolt. Topanga: Yeah, I know. He's been avoiding me since the incident too. What do you think his next move's going to be? Shawn: Well, you know him as well as I do. Topanga: Yeah, he's probably going to let it eat at him all night. Shawn: Yeah. By now, he's way out of control. Cory walks in. Cory: Well, it's probably no surprise to you that I've had a long, hard night and a lot of time to think. You're thinking that the crazy little man would dwell and stew and blow all this horribly out of proportion. But, I want you to know that I've worked through it, I'm fine and I am a happy healthy Cory, and I just want to ask one thing. What's this? Topanga: No, Cory, we were just... Cory pulls off the blanket and notices Shawn's boxer shorts. Cory: Undahpants! Shawn: I always sleep like this. Cory: UNDERPANTS! Shawn: Oh, here we go. Cory: O.K., here's how we're going to handle this. Now it's very clear that the two of you have had a lot of hidden sexual tension for the last 15 years. Shawn: No, we haven't. Cory: I am speaking now! Now there is one solution to this and one solution only. Topanga growls. Cory: I want you two to go out on a date. Shawn: What are you talking about? Cory: You're going out on a date and you're going to explore your feelings. Topanga: There are no feelings. Cory: There are feelings. Maybe you don't think there are feelings, but the tape says there are. I should know. I watched it 512 times. You know, when you kissed each other, you felt something. You both did. Shawn: We're not going out on a date. Cory: You're going to go out on a date. Otherwise it's going to haunt us for the rest of our lives. Topanga: Why does everything have to haunt us for the rest of our lives. Cory: Undahpants! Shawn: Would you go out on a date with me? Topanga: Yes. Cory: I knew it! Commercial Scene five: Angela's dorm room. There is a knock on her door. Angela: Come in. Cory comes in. Angela: Hey. Cory: Hey. What are you studying. Angela: White history. You know, you people contributed quite a bit to this country. Cory: Thanks, but I got my own problems. (closes Angela's book) Now I've kept you in the dark about this, because even though you and Shawn broke up, I know how much you still care about him. Angela nods. Cory: And you of course, know how much I care about that betraying witch of a girl... Angela: Get to the point. Cory: Shawn and Topanga are out on a date. Angela laughs. Angela: They would never do that. Cory: It's true. Angela: Well, why would they... Cory: Because I made the reservation. Angela: Well, what... Cory: And I paid for it. Angela: Well, why did you... Cory: I ordered the suflee in advance. Angela: Why? Cory: Because, you have to do that sort of thing, Angela. Angela: Cory, why? Cory: I don't know! Call the restuarant! Gosh, the love of my life is out with my best friend and you want to discuss dessert policy. Jeez, you're annoying! Angela: Cory, is this still about this kiss? Cory: Wait a minute. She told you about it? Well, that means it must have meant something to her. Let me ask you this: In all the time that you were with Shawn, did he ever call out the name Topanga. Angela: No, but he called out the name Cory. Cory: In, in what context? Angela: In the context of how stupid you are. Cory: No, no, no, no. You weren't there, Angela. You didn't see them kiss each other. Angela: It was a movie! Cory: There was passion. Angela: (laughing) They were acting. They were pretending. Cory: They weren't pretending! I know when Topanga pretends! I've been there. Angela: Oh, Cory, you have nothing to worry about. They're going to go out on this date, spend the evening talking about you and have a terrible time. Cory: You really think so? Angela: I know so. Cory: All right. Thanks a lot, Angela. You're really great to talk to. Topanga: (OS) Ha, ha. You are so funny, Shawn. Shawn: (OS) Oh, stop. Cory: You, moron! Cory leaves Angela's room. Meanwhile Shawn and Topanga enter Cory's room leading up to scene which is the reason this episode probably won't be shown on the Disney channel. Shawn: He's not here. Let's go in. Topanga: Okay, but we should put a rubber band on the door just in case her comes back. Shawn holds the door open for Topanga. Shawn: After you. They go in. Cory stops to listen at the door. Shawn: This is the greatest night I've had in a long time. I mean to realize how we feel about each other after all these years. Topanga: We should thank Cory. Shawn: Topanga, I'm not sure we should be doing this. After all, he's my best friend. Cory smiles. Topanga: Hey, he's my fiancee and I'm fine with it. Cory's smile vanishes. The inside of the room is shown where Shawn and Topanga are reading scripts. Shawn: You're right. We can't fight when we've been fighting for 15 years. Topanga: I'm just not strong enough anymore. Shawn: I can't just sit here and watch your beautiful skin and silky hair and perfect face and long, long legs (Shawn drops some pages of his script) Topanga: Isn't there anything you want to say about my eyes? Shawn: (picking up script and putting the pages in order) Yes, yes. The number of eyes... on your face... Cut to Cory listening at the door. Shawn: That's, um. That's, that's, that's nice. Topanga: Nice? Shawn: Yes, but enough about your eyes. (grabs a paddle ball racket) How do you like what I'm doing to you right now? (starts whipping the paddle ball) Topanga: Ooh, Topanga like. How do you like what I'm doing to you? (Pushes a button on something and it moos. I'm not exactly sure what that was) Cory is shown at the door again. Shawn: Oh, more, more! Topanga: (ringing a bell) Oh, Shawn. Toy recording: Oh, Shawn. Oh, Shawn. There are bells and alarm sounds. Shawn starts ringing a bigger bell than the one Topanga was using. A depressed Cory walks away. Topanga and Shawn both come out and yell: Topanga and Shawn: Surprise! Topanga: Where did he go? Scene six: Eric, Jack, and Rachel's apartment. They are eating dinner at a very fancily set table. Eric: Mmm. Nice spaghetti, Jack. Jack: Thank you, Eric. Lovely job on the mashed potatoes. Eric: Oh, and where did you get this gravy? Heaven? Rachel sadly looks at them. Jack: You know. Funny story. I was watching Martha Stewart today and I got a lovely tip on how to freshen our potpourri with cranberries and lilac petal. Eric: Oh, yes. I saw that one. Jack: Oh. Eric: How was your day, Rachel. Rachel: I had lunch with a friend. We put our elbows on the table and we ate with our fingers. She does exactly as she says. Eric and Jack laugh and then sigh. Rachel: You guys don't think I know what you're doing? Jack: What are you talking about, doing? Rachel: Well, you actually think that I think that you live like this? You're just treating me differently because I'm a woman. Jack: Shows how much you know. What, you think you're the first woman we've ever lived with. Rachel: Besides your mothers, yes. Eric: Is that an accurate count, Jack? Jack: I stayed with Nana BooBoo once. Now there's a woman. Rachel: I hate this! It's like I have to be on my best behavior. It's like I'm living with my mother. Eric: Actually, do you have a picture of your mother? No reason. Rachel: You know what? I can't do this. I can't. You have to be yourselves so I can be myself. Jack: (whispers to Eric) If she's telling the truth our lives are perfect. Eric: Yeah, well. She's not. She's testing us. Just stick with the plan. Rachel: Stop! Stop planning! And, ooh. Stop acting like I can't hear you. Eric: That's insane. Rachel starts painting Eric's face with a meatball. Eric: Apparently, I got meatball on my face. Jack: Martha Stewart says a lovely blend of bleach and turpentine really clears that up. Rachel dumps the plate of spaghetti on Jack. Jack sighs. Eric: Stick with the plan... Rachel throws spaghetti at Eric. Eric: (cont'd) No matter what happens. Rachel puts her feet on the table. Rachel: Oh, do I have my feet on the table? You know what? My mother always says never put your feet on the table... (Puts her feet in the sauce) unless they're covered in marinara sauce. Rubs her feet on Eric's sweater and on his face. Eric: Right away I don't like the way this is going. Both guys laugh. Rachel hits Jack with a piece of garlic bread or something like that. Jack: That's it! She throws more at him. Eric: New plan! The spaghetti fight begins. When Eric and Jack throw spaghetti at Rachel, she starts screaming. Rachel: (throwing spaghetti back at them) You jerk! Eric: No! No! Oh! Rachel: Stupid! I'm going to k*ll you! Eric and Jack dump the rest of the sauce on Rachel. Rachel starts pushing Jack and dumps his head in a sauce bowl. Jack: Pie her! Pie her! Pie her! Eric: Pie! Rachel: Yeah, don't treat me special because I'm a woman! Eric: (grabbing a cream pie) She's right. Rachel: I'm not your mother. I'm your roommate. Eric: Yeah! Rachel: Now, h*t Jack with the pie. Eric does. Rachel: (pointing her finger at Eric) And when I get out of the shower, I expect this place clean. Eric and Jack: Yes, mommy. Rachel takes some cream from the pie off Jack's face with her finger and tastes it. Rachel: Good pie. Jack: What happened? Eric: You know, I don't know. But I think we won. Takes some pie off Jack's face with a fork and tastes it. Scene seven: The dorm hall. Cory and Angela head to Cory's dorm room. Cory: I heard sounds, Angela. Forbidden sounds. I think there was a cow in there. Angela: Cory, you're letting your imagination run away with you. Cory: Really? Go ahead. Tell me there's nothing going on in there. Go ahead. Angela: There's nothing going on in there. Cory: Oh, no. They're nestling. Angela: I'm opening the door. She does. Cory: No. I don't want to see! She walks into an empty room. Cory follows. Cory: There's no one here. Angela: Of course not. We're talking about Shawn and Topanga. They don't care about each other because they care about you. Cory: No, Angela. You are thinking about this too logically and this defies logic. This is raw, hot, unfiltered passion and that kiss opened the gates. Angela: There are no gates. Cory: Oh, there are gates. Angela: Cory, don't we know each other a long time? Cory: Yeah. Angela: Well, is there any tension between us? Cory: Well... There was that one time that you didn't get me a gift for my birthday. I mean, I didn't say anything, but ooh. Angela: Not that kind of tension. Cory: Oh, you mean... Angela: I mean have you ever thought of me in a way other than just a friend? Cory: Never! Angela: Tell the truth. Cory: One time. Angela: Really? Cory: Yeah, but it wasn't my fault. See, I had a dream and you were in it. Angela: Was it a good dream? Cory: (smiles) Yes. Angela: Was it real? Cory: No. Angela: Neither was the kiss. Cory: (starts stammering again) Yeah, but, but, they... It happened and they felt something. Angela: How do you know? Cory: Because you can't do something like that without feeling anything. Angela: Even if they're just friends? Cory: Yeah. Angela: O.K. She pushes Cory onto his bed. Cory: Oh, no. It's the dream. She lies next to Cory and kisses him. Cory: Wow! Angela: What? Cory: Nothing. Angela: No, tell me. Cory: No, I mean. I-I-I felt nothing. I mean it-it felt good and everything, but not... Angela: Like you and Topanga. Cory: Yeah. Not like me and Topanga. Angela: Well, that's because you love Topanga, Cory and when you're with her you feel something for her and that's why it doesn't matter that she kissed Shawn because she only feels something for you. Cory: So even a kiss like you and I just had is just a kiss between friends... Angela: Because you don't love me. Cory: Yeah. Sorry. Angela: Well, it's okay. I've been getting a lot of that lately. Cory: Well, you don't deserve it. You know you're a great person. Thanks for talking me down. Angela: Come here. They gently hug. Angela sighs. Cory: Hey! Angela: What? Cory: What about when I walked in and Shawn was in his underpants? Angela: Cory, if you're going to spend the rest of your life with Topanga, don't you think you should trust her more? Cory: Oh, noboby would trust anybody they caught in such a compromising position. Topanga comes in. Topanga: There you are. We've been looking all over for you. Cory: I can explain. Topanga: Shawn, I found him. He's in bed with Angela. Shawn comes in. Shawn: Oh, they're so cute. Shawn and Topanga jump on them. Shawn and Topanga: Huhhhh! Commercial Scene eight: Eric and Jack are waiting for Rachel to come out of the shower. Both are holding cream pies. They're still covered with spaghetti and sauce from the food fight. Eric: Make fools out of us, will she? Jack: Wants us to behave like ourselves, does she? Eric: I think we're going to smoke her when she gets out of that shower. Jack: Oh, yeah. Eric: Whoo! Whoo! Jack motions for Eric to hush. They look around. Jack: *sigh* She's been there an awful long time, hasn't she? Eric: Yeah, well, you know women. They like to loofah. Jack: Takes longer? Eric: Oh, yeah, but think about it. The cleaner she is, the better it's going to be. Whoo! Jack: Yeah! Run credits. Jack: She's been in there an awfully long time. Eric: Yeah, but she's got to come out here some time, doesn't she? Jack: And when she does, we will be ready. Eric: Are we going to be here? Jack: Oh, yeah. Eric: I think we are. Jack: Yes. Eric: I think we are. Jack: Yeah! Eric: Yeah! We'll wait here a hundred years if we have to. Jack: Yeah. Flash forward to "A HUNDRED YEARS LATER." Eric and Jack are now skeletons holding pies. Rachel: I'll be out in a minute.

{"type": "series", "show": "Boy Meets World", "episode": "06x06 - Hogs and Kisses"}

foreverdreaming

Opening Credits [SCENE – Classroom. The new, cool teacher, Stuart, is giving a lecture to a class that contains Cory and Topanga with Shawn and Angela on the opposite side of the room. Right now, though, Topanga is talking] Topanga: (To class) I believe a person is responsible for her own destiny and can be anything she wants. If she wants it bad enough and she never, ever gives up. Stuart: Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear it for Topanga Lawrence! The next president of the United States. (Class applauds) Topanga: Thank you. Cory: Uh, everybody, that makes me the first lady. (Chuckles) See how secure I am in my sexuality? (Turns to kid next to him, in Elmer Fudd voice) Hewoh… Stuart: Now, come on, Topanga. You really believe all the Little Mary Sunshine stuff? Topanga: Yes, I do. Stuart: So do I. To a point! Shawn! Shawn: Stuart! Stuart: Nice haircut! Shawn: Thanks, eight bucks. Stuart: Looks like it. Now Topanga just spouted a philosophical belief, what is it? Shawn: Free will. Stuart: (Acting surprised) Hey, he’s a big deal with the new hair! Shawn: She’s in charge of her actions and therefore creates her own destiny. Stuart: Good hair and good answer. You believe her? Shawn: In my experience, you don’t bet against Topanga or you get your butt kicked. (Topanga gives the “OK” sign and nods, smiling) Stuart: I don’t doubt it. (To Cory) Now how about it, Romeo? You buy what Juliet is saying? Cory: Yeah, I do. I think you have to have at least some control over the things that happen to you. Stuart: Really? Cory Matthews wakes up one morning. He kisses his lovely wife. He leaves his nice suburban home and then he gets h*t by a bus. Shawn: I’ll miss ya, buddy. Cory: No, I don’t get h*t by a bus. Stuart: Why not? Cory: Because I use the crosswalks, I memorize the bus schedules, and if I got a wife like Topanga, I ain’t leaving the house! (Laughs) Stuart: Bus hits you anyway. Now, what’s that called? Angela: Fate. It doesn’t matter if you stay in or go out, your life is predestined and there’s nothing you can do about it. Cory: So you mean that bus is gonna drive right through my house to get to me? Angela: Yes it is. Shawn: I’ll miss ya, buddy. Stuart: Alright, guys, we gotta get out of here. (Gets papers from podium, holds them up) Now, uh, I read your papers. And most of ‘em were bad. This isn’t high school, anymore, free up your minds! You’re smarter than these. (Puts papers on the podium and exits, the class begins to exit as well) Cory: (Goes over to Shawn) Shawnie, Shawnie! This guy is awesome. I mean, I have been waiting, like, a thousand years for a teacher like this. Shawn: Yeah, high school was amateur night. (Stands) He’s not like Feeny at all, he treats us like equals. Feeny was like a parent. This guy’s a friend. [SCENE – Student Union. Angela is playing pool with Stuart with several other students, including Shawn, Cory, and Topanga, watching. Angela makes a sh*t, clearing the table of solids] Angela: You’re a good teacher but a bad pool player. You owe me a coffee. Stuart: Alright. (Takes Angela’s stick) Anybody else? (Puts sticks on table) It’s on me. Cory: Coffee. Shawn: Coffee. Topanga: Coffee. Stuart: Hey, guys, I only have two hands, here! Topanga, you wanna help me out? Topanga: Sure. (She and Stuart walk towards the counter) Stuart: Y’know, actually, I wanted to thank you. Topanga: What did I do? Stuart: You took my class. You challenge things. A teacher like a student who participates and shakes things up. Makes class more exciting. Topanga: Thanks. Thanks a lot. Stuart: Keep it up. (To cashier) Five coffees. (To Topanga) “If we don’t challenge our leaders, we have no right to complain over how they lead.” Topanga: That’s a quote from my paper. Stuart: It was a good paper. You got a little lazy on the summary, but we’ll go over it, okay? (Coffees arrive, Stuart pays) How’s campus life? Topanga: Well, you know, Angela and I are in McKay, so small rooms, lousy food. Stuart: (Carrying the coffee) Welcome to college. (Feeny and DB approach) Good afternoon Dean Bolander. DB: Stuart. Stuart: George. (Stuart & Topanga go back to the pool table, Feeny and DB go to the counter) DB: What’re you drinking, George? Feeny: Oh, I’ll get it. New teacher on campus. (Retrieves wallet) I don’t know how professional it would be to accept a drink from your boss. DB: What are you drinking, George? Feeny: Double-blended, nonfat, no-whip frappachino. (Smiles uncomfortably) DB: Not used to letting people do things for you, are you? Feeny: Well, I usually take care of myself. DB: Well, just relax. (Pats his shoulder) Feeny: You’re right. (Exhales uneasily) Do you think I could have a biscotti, too? DB: I’m not rich, Feeny. [Cut to Eric, who is sitting on an easy chair with Jack and Cory on the nearby couch and Shawn in the adjacent chair] Eric: (Looking at Stuart) I. Don’t. Like. Him. Cory: You don’t know him, Eric, he’s a very cool guy. Eric: I’m telling you something, Cory. I have a gift, okay? I know people. (Sees Rachel from behind) Hell-o! Wow! Look at that! How’d you like to come home to that every day? Jack: We do come home to that. It’s Rachel. You unbelievable, incredible buffoon. Rachel: (Walks over) Oh, hey guys! Eric: Oh, hey Rachel! No, anyway, I’m telling you, I have a feel for these things, okay? This guy is no Feeny. This guy couldn’t even clap Feeny’s erasers. (Sees Feeny) Feenay! Yo! Havin’ coffee with the dean, woooo Feenay! (Feeny looks embarrassed) Shawn: You know, Eric, sooner or later you’re gonna have to cut this cord from Feeny and see what else is out there. Eric: I’m telling you, if there’s one thing I know, it’s people, okay? I’ve lived among them. I’m telling you, it’s like a fifth sense. Jack: You mean sixth sense. Eric: No, dude, that’s smell. You gotta be lucky to get that. Anyway, this Stanley guy… Jack: (Interrupting quickly) Stuart! Eric: Stuart guy, I’m telling you, he’s bad news. You trust me. (They all look over their shoulders at Stuart, who is now playing pool with Topanga) [SCENE – Angela and Topanga’s dorm. They’re studying when there is a knock at the already half-open door and Stuart pokes his head in] Stuart: (Holding a red folder) Hey. Angela: Hi! Topanga: Oh, hey Stuart. Stuart: (Steps in, then sees a student walk by and sh*ts after him) Hansen! You owe me a paper! I don’t believe in grades, but I’ll flunk your butt! (Walks in) Hey, I was in the neighborhood and, uh, we talked about going over the paper, so… okay? Topanga: Great, sure, thanks. Stuart: Alright. (To Angela) Angela, I don’t have your paper, but we can discuss what I remember. Angela: Oh, no, that’s cool. Topanga: We were actually on our way to the Student Union. (To Angela) Why don’t you go down there and I’ll meet you down there later? Angela: Okay. (Gets up from bed) (Jokingly) You two leave the door open. Topanga: Oh, get out of here! (Angela exits) Stuart: (Sees a picture) Is that your mom? (Picks it up & looks at it) Topanga: Yeah, that was takes at Matha’s Vineyard. Stuart: She’s real pretty. Topanga: Thank you. Stuart: (Gestures to bed) Sit down. (She does so, Stuart sits on the desk chair) Topanga, this paper was too good to fizzle out on the conclusion. You’re too smart for that! Here, look. (Begins reading) “It is possible to cross the line morally, and yet not cross the line actually.” Now, that’s vague. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Topanga: Why? I mean, the paper was on morality and ethics, and I was just saying that there are definite gray areas. Stuart: (Stands) Yeah, I know what the paper’s about, because, you see I assigned it. I just want you to be more specific. (Sits) The devil’s in the details. (Topanga nods) I’m sitting here with you, for example, right? Topanga: Yeah. Stuart: I’m your teacher. And I find you attractive. But we’re talking about the assignment. Now, have a crossed a line? Topanga: I don’t think so, no. Stuart: I’m your teacher and I think you’re attractive. And now we’re not talking about the paper. Have we crossed a line? Topanga: (Confused) What? Stuart: (Takes Topanga’s hand) Okay, what if I said to you that I think about you. And I’d like to see you more than on Tuesdays and Thursdays. (Holds up their hands, leans in) See where it gets gray? (Let’s go of her hand, gestures towards the photo and steps to it) When did you go to the vineyard? Topanga: (Uncomfortably) Two summers ago. Stuart: Beautiful, isn’t it? (Long pause) Okay, one more. We’re adults. And, uh, (Sits next to Topanga) I’m telling you that I’d like to get to know you better. (Strokes her hair) And that’s what I’m gonna do. Topanga: Stuart, you’re making me uncomfortable. I want you to leave. Stuart: (Stops stroking her hair) That’s not what you want. Topanga: What? (Cory enters, and knocks briefly on the door as he does) Cory: Hey! You know, if I wasn’t such a trusting boyfriend, this would look bad. How come you don’t make house calls on me, Stuart? Stuart: (Stands) ‘Cause I’m talking to the brains of the family. Hey, I’m gonna leave you two alone. Uh, Topanga, we’ll finish this later. (Exits) Cory: Boy, you gotta love that. I mean, Feeny wouldn’t be caught d*ad in a dorm room. (Sits on opposite bed) Shawn’s right about this guy, he is in a whole other league. Topanga: (Stunned) I didn’t like him being here. I didn’t like it at all. Cory: What’s wrong? You okay? [SCENE – Student Union. Rachel, Shawn, Angela, Jack, Eric, Cory, and Topanga all sit on or around the couch talking] Rachel: So you take your middle name and you put it with the street that you live on. Jack: And that’s your soap opera name? Rachel: Yeah. Like mine is Kimberly Beaumont. Eric: Jonathan Cumberland. Jack: Eric, you’re middle name is Randall. Eric: Tony Randall! The Odd Couple! Jack: Don’t you listen to the rules? Eric: (Like Jeopardy) Who is Tony Randall?! Jack: Right, you win! Eric: Hah! (To Angela) I always win. (Stuart enters) Cory: (Jogs over to Stuart) Stuart! Stuart! Stuart: Hey, Romeo. Cory: Listen, can I talk to you on the patio for a second? (The two of them walk outside) Stuart: Cory, your paper was pedestrian. This isn’t high school anymore, you gotta take chances. Cory: We’re not talking about the paper. Stuart: Yeah? Cory: Yeah, uh, Topanga’s real uncomfortable about your dorm visit. Stuart: Why? Cory: She thought you were hitting on her. Stuart: What if I was? Cory: “What if I was?”? [Cut to inside the Student Union, the group is still talking, except Topanga is staring out the window at Cory & Stuart] Shawn: My soap opera name is Patrick Trailer Park. (Everyone except Topanga laughs) Angela: Well, mine is Shinana Martin Luther King Boulevard. (Odd silence) Gosh I gotta get some black friends. Rachel: So, Topanga, what’s your middle name? (From this sh*t, we see Cory & Stuart begin to argue outside) Topanga: (Distracted) I don’t wanna play. Jack: Why not? Topanga: I have a weird middle name. Jack: Your first name’s Topanga. What could your middle name be, Schmuboogie? (Through the previous line, we see Cory & Stuart arguing until Stuart flies through the doors after being punched by Cory. Suddenly, everyone is silent and staring. Cory himself looks like he doesn’t believe it) Stuart: (Stands) Congratulations. You just got yourself kicked out of college. (Exits) [SCENE – Cory & Shawn’s Cory. Cory is pacing while Shawn, Angela, and Topanga sit nearby] Shawn: How could you do this to Stuart? Cory: Shawn, I don’t know! Okay, I’ve never h*t anybody before. Shawn: Most of the time when you spin out of control, it’s funny, but this time I think you went too far. Y’know, you could get in trouble for this, Cor. (Enter Amy & Alan) Alan: Hey. No matter what happened, we’re behind you. No matter what happened. Cory: The first time in my life I h*t somebody, and it’s a teacher. Amy: Oh! Alan: You idiot! I thought you h*t a student. Amy: Oh, what on Earth could’ve possessed you to do this, Cory? You h*t a teacher? Alan: What did he say? Did he thr*at you? Cory: No. Alan: Did he h*t you? Cory: No. Alan: What did he do? Cory: He made a move on Topanga. Alan: In the class? Cory: No, in her dorm room. (Alan turns to Amy, mouth agape) (Enter Eric) Eric: Okay, I saw the whole thing. I can testify in court. That teacher h*t, I repeat, h*t young Cory Matthews. Cory: I h*t him, Eric. Eric: (Happily) Yeah, I know, I saw it, man. That dude sailed! (Goes in for a high five) Look, mom, dad, you know about my fifth sense, right? Amy: You’ve told us about it, yes. Eric: Well I’m telling you something, it’s working overtime right now. I can feel it in my veins, y’know? This guy’s bad. (Enter Feeny) Feeny: (Pacing) You can’t talk to that woman. She’s the dean of the university and you can’t reason with her! “This is a university, the university has rules,” (calling down hallway) Well I have rules too, missy! Cory: You know what? This guy knows what he did. Okay, and he deserves what he got. This is all gonna go away. Feeny: The dean has scheduled a hearing. There’s a possibility that Cory could get kicked out of school. [SCENE – Student Union. Stuart is grading papers at one of the tables. Eric enters with Jack & Rachel, sees Stuart, and stops] Eric: Come with me. Come with me now. Do it, do it, do it. (Moves sneakily around the pool table) Jack: Why?! Why are you my friend? Why can’t I have better friends? Rachel: Eric, what’re you doing? Eric: Alright, you see that guy over there? Don’t look, don’t look… That’s the guy that h*t young Cory Matthews. Now, I have a plan. You have to listen carefully ‘cause it’s extremely complicated. I want you to go over there and flaunt yourself. Jack: I’m not gonna do that, Eric. Eric: Alright, well, Rachel you go. Rachel: What?! Eric: You know! Just tease him! Trap him! Do what women do, it’s engrained. You know, it’s the… (Mimics walking daintily what giggling seductively) (In girlish voice) Oh, gee… I’m a pretty girl… Rachel: Eric, I’m not gonna go over there and flaunt myself! Eric: You will flaunt! Rachel, listen to me. (Puts his arm on her shoulders) If there was ever a problem in your family there’s nothing I would not do to help them. I would go to prison for you family. Do you know what? (Rachel shakes her head) Because I feel like I am part of your family. Except when I dream about you and you’re in that little pink robe and you start doing that thing… Rachel: (Interrupting) Fine! Eric: Alright, now here. Practice on Jack. (Pulls him in front of her) Rachel & Jack: Oohh!! Rachel: Oh, Eric… Jack: Oughhh!! Eric: Practice! Rachel: M’kay. (To Jack) Hi, Stuart. How are you doing? I hear you’re a really good teacher. Eric: (Snort-laughs) I’m more woman than that. Rachel: Shut up! (Pushes Eric) (Walks over to Stuart’s table and sits, messing up some papers) I’m sorry… (Fixes papers) (Jack and Eric look on, while Stuart leans in and says something quietly to Rachel. Afterwards, Rachel stands angrily) Rachel: What’d you say? Wait a second, what am I? To tall for you? Is it the fiery red hair? Is a little boy afraid of a commitment? Well, you know what? I will not allow you to reject me! I am gonna reject you! You will not hurt me! (Exits proudly) (Enter Topanga) Eric: Jack, if there was every anyone in your family… Jack: (Interrupting) I’m not flirting with a guy, okay? I don’t care if they give your brother the chair. [Cut to Stuart’s table, where Topanga has walked over] Topanga: You did cross the line. You used a position of power unethically and Cory protected me the only way he knew how. Now it’s my turn for me to do the same thing for him. You leave Cory alone, you make this go away, or I’ll tell the dean that you came onto me. Stuart: You came onto me. Topanga: (Aghast) What? Stuart: (Stands) See you at the hearing. (Exits) [SCENE – The hearing. People are milling about, including, more or less, the whole cast. Stuart sits on one side of the room. Cory sits on the opposite side with Topanga and Feeny at either side and his parents, Shawn, Rachel, Angela, and Morgan behind him. Jack stands against the back wall with come extras. The dean decides it’s time to start, and calls attention to the room] DB: Alright, first of all, this is not a trial. So let’s not make a big courtroom drama out of it. (Cue courtroom drama music as the doors fly open and Eric, wearing a spiffy suit and carrying a briefcase walks in. Eric stops upon entering, looks around, then continues in. He places the briefcase on the table and opens it. He pulls out a tape player and stops it, the music stops simultaneously) Eric: Your honor, Jonathan Cumberland for the defense. Jack: Unbelievable. Feeny: Mr. Matthews, leave. Eric: Mr. Feeny, we’re partners, man. (Walks to his side) You know… Feeny and Cumberland, Cumberland and Feeny, Feeny and Feeny and Feeny and Eric, but mostly Feeny because I love my brother and I wanna help. Cory: Thanks, Eric. Eric: (Quietly) Listen, Feeny, I know you got a thing going with the dean, alright, so if it looks like we’re gonna lose just, uh, play the love card. Feeny: Will you shut up? DB: (To herself) Unbelievable… Alright, Stuart, what happened? Stuart: I was in the Student Union, when Cory asked me to step outside. I thought it was to talk about a bad grade I have him on a paper which I called “pedestrian”. He then accused me of making a move on Topanga Lawrence and then he h*t me. Feeny: What were you doing in Topanga Lawrence’s room? Stuart: I was going over her paper. Feeny: In her room? That sounds odd to me. Stuart: My students and I have a relationship outside of the classroom which allows us to connect better inside the classroom. Ask any of them. Shawn, do you have any problems with my teaching methods? Shawn: No. Stuart: In fact, didn’t you just tell me that I was the best teacher you ever had? Shawn: (Swallows hard, shakes his head) Yeah, yeah I did. Stuart: Why do you think that? Shawn: I don’t think it really matters what I think. DB: I’d really be interested to hear your answer. Shawn: (Clears throat) You treat us like equals. Like adults. I guess a lot of teachers, y’know, you feel like they treat you like a kid. Stuart: Like Mr. Feeny for example. Shawn: Mr. Feeny’s a really good teacher. Stuart: Yeah, but he treats you like a kid. Shawn: Okay, you made your point, Stuart. Y’know, we’ve had Mr. Feeny in grade school and then in high school, too, so maybe he feels like he has to protect us, I don’t know. I’m sorry, Mr. Feeny. Feeny: Don’t worry about it, Shawn. (To Stuart) How did you know what dormitory Topanga was in? Stuart: She told me. She told me she lived in the McKay dorms. She offered it to me nonprofit. Isn’t that right, Topanga? Topanga: Yes, that’s true, but that wasn’t the… Stuart: (Interrupting) Thank you. Feeny: Did you really think it was proper? (Stands, paces behind Topanga’s chair) I mean, I’m talking about simple human propriety. To be in a young female student’s bedroom? Stuart: A dorm room. Also serves as a living room. Or a TV room. Or a study. It was not a bedroom when I was in there. Feeny: (Leaning on Topanga’s chair from behind) Stuart! (Paces towards Stuart) Do you believe as a college professor that it’s okay to be alone in a dorm room with a young female student?! (Leans in imposingly) Stuart: (Shrugs) The door was open. I even asked her roommate to stay. In fact, it was Topanga who shooed Angela away, isn’t the right, Topanga? Topanga: She was on her way to the Student Union, I didn’t feel that… Stuart: (Interrupting) Thank you. (To Feeny) Any more questions, George? Feeny: Just one. Is it okay if I rip off your head and roll it down the hallway? (Paces back towards his seat) Stuart: George, you and I both know that a teacher is only as effective as the respect he is given. (Stands & points imposingly) And Cory’s show of disrespect undermines me and this university! Topanga: And your show of disrespect undermines me! DB: Miss Lawrence! Topanga: (To Stuart) You know what you did. Stuart: I didn’t do anything. Cory: (To Dean Bolander) He made a move on Topanga. On my fiancé. He used his power and authority to take advantage of her. And he told me that there was nothing I could do and that he was never gonna stop. So I did something. I mean, I realize, dean, that this wasn’t the smartest thing in the world to do, but it was all I could come up with at the time. DB: Striking a member of this faculty is inexcusable. No matter what the provocation. Shawn: (Sits forward, holds up hand) Can I say something real quick? DB: Yes? Shawn: Cory, it’s okay with me that you h*t him. Cory: Thanks, Shawn. (To Dean Bolander) It’s okay with Shawn. DB: Well it’s not okay with me. According to the bylaws of this university, I am bound to expel or suspend any student for striking an educator for any reason whatsoever. Feeny: (Stands) Dean, I beg you to reconsider this. DB: George, sit down. You can’t protect them anymore. (Feeny sits solemnly) Cory Matthews, I hereby suspend you from this university for a period of… one day. Stuart: One day? DB: (To Cory) You are, however, under probation for the remainder of this term. And I will not take kindly to your solving any more problems with anything but words. Cory: No, you don’t have to worry about it, dean. Thank you. Stuart: Dean, he h*t a teacher. DB: (Sternly) A teacher must be someone a student can trust. The second the teacher uses pressure on a student for any reason whatsoever other than academic, that trust is destroyed. Stuart: Well, there must be some sort of misunderstanding, because as a teacher, I… DB: (Interrupting) Stuart, (points to Feeny) this is a teacher, Stuart. I’m not sure what you are, but you can be certain I’m going to find out. This hearing is adjourned, everybody go home. (People begin to leave, including Stuart, Dean Bolander, Jack, Eric, and Rachel.) Amy: (Approached Topanga) I’m so sorry you had to go through all this. Alan: (Rubbing Feeny’s shoulder appreciatively) Thanks for sticking by us, George. (To Cory) You alright, buddy? Cory: Yeah. Amy: (Walks by Cory) Bye-bye. Cory: Bye. (Amy, Alan, and Morgan exit) Shawn: (To Feeny) I don’t know how I could’ve compared him to you. Feeny: (Laughs dismissively) Oh… Cory: I guess, uh, college is a lot different than high school, huh? Feeny: I’m afraid so, Cory. I’m also afraid that the dean is right. I’ve tried to protect you for too long in the shelters of high school. This is a major university. And this is life. And these things happen. And you’re not children anymore. (Exits, leaving Cory, Topanga, Angela, and Shawn alone together) Cory: Hm, we’re not children anymore. Topanga: When did that happen? Angela: I don’t know. Today, I think. Shawn: You guys, like, wanna get ice cream or something? (Shrugs) (Topanga nods with a smile) Cory: Yeah. (The four of them exit)

{"type": "series", "show": "Boy Meets World", "episode": "06x07 - Everybody Loves Stuart"}

foreverdreaming

[Mr Feeny's classroom. Cory, Topanga and Shawn are seated amongst other students; Mr Feeny is handing out papers] MR FEENY: Now, this next poem is quite special. The manner in which the poet expresses emotions is truly eloquent. The piece is entitled 'An Unpublished Manuscript For J.D. Salinger'. [smiles] CORY: [leans over to Shawn and whispers] Nappy time. MR FEENY: [reads] 'It is possible to assassinate my heroes with the scope of my individualism. However, by their own persistence to themselves, I believe that they have chosen me to pursue a self. What is literature but the illumination of that which I would write? Salinger speaks through me; to me; whispers, 'Where to, little boy?' My answer is the dogged pen to page which lights consistently the pathway home. It is on that road that I alone can trip my way back to myself.' [Everyone stares, enraptured; Mr Feeny lets the silence ride for a while] CORY: [yelling impatiently] COME ONNNN! MR FEENY: Would you care to analyse this poem, Mr Matthews? CORY: [uninterested] Yeah, I'll take a s*ab. [stands up] MR FEENY: s*ab away. CORY: You call that poetry?! FEH! And all right already with this J.D. Salinger thing. I mean hello? Name-dropping? And haven't we had just about enough of Catcher in the Rye? I mean, what's he written lately?! AM I RIGHT?! [confidently punches the air] [Everyone else stares at him; Cory sits down timidly] MR FEENY: Well on that note, we will have to pick this up at our next session. [Students start to pick up their things and leave; Shawn stays sitting, looking sombre] ANGELA: Cory, you're nuts. That poem was so incredible. [quietly] It was beautiful. TOPANGA: I can't believe someone our own age wrote that! [Mr Feeny approaches Shawn and hands him the poem he just read out] MR FEENY: Someone like Mr Hunter? CORY: What? SHAWN: Yeah, I wrote that poem. ANGELA: [softly] I knew it. CORY: [pats Shawn on the back] I liked it! [Shawn smiles; Mr Feeny raises an eyebrow and shakes his head] --- [Still Mr Feeny's classroom. Everyone else has left other than Mr Feeny, Cory, Shawn, Topanga and Angela] MR FEENY: [to Shawn] Any more poems? SHAWN: I, uh, wouldn't really call them poems. I just write stuff down... I've been doing it since I can remember. ANGELA: Can't believe you never told me. CORY: I can't believe you never told me! SHAWN: [defensively] I never told anyone, ok? I just... do it for myself. [stands up] Get my feelings out. MR FEENY: Shawn, I host poetry readings at the Student Union, Friday evenings. If you would feel comfortable sharing some of your work- SHAWN: [shaking his head] I don't know, Mr Feeny, it's... CORY: [butts in with an arm around Shawn] That sounds AWESOME! Haha! Perhaps I could read some of my poems too? MR FEENY: ...You have poems? CORY: Well I wouldn't call them poems, I just... I just sort of write stuff down... MR FEENY: [sarcastically] I can't wait. [leaves the classroom] CORY: [shouts after him] ALL RIIIIGHT! [Mr Feeny waves pathetically] CORY: [to Shawn in a 'gangsta' accent] Ma poems are moneh, because they're so funneh. SHAWN: [grins and makes his way out the classroom] Have fun. CORY: All riiiight. Hey, Shawn. [follows Shawn out into the hallway] Shawn. Shawn! [Shawn finally stops and turns around] CORY: Listen, don't just blow this off. SHAWN: [wearily] Cor, enough with the pressure. [Topanga and Angela follow them out] CORY: No, I know you - if I don't press you, you're gonna flake. ANGELA: Hey, Cory. If Shawn doesn't wanna read his poems, then I think we should respect that. CORY: No. Because Shawn never wants to do what's best for him. [Shawn rolls his eyes] TOPANGA: C'mon, Cory, leave him alone. CORY: Shawn, just come with us, ok? If you wanna read poems you will, and if you don't you won't. SHAWN: Will it shut you up? CORY: [face lights up] Will you come? SHAWN: Fine. [rolls his eyes again and walks away] CORY: [turns smugly to Topanga and Angela] He's gonna write a poem... in his dorm, and not his hoem. [grins at his own genius] All right! This is so easy! --- [Eric, Jack and Rachel's apartment. All three are sat on chairs with a pile of books nearby looking agitated; Rachel is fiddling with her hair and looking increasingly irritated at Jack, who is noisily eating an apple and glaring at Eric, who is sat at the kitchen table clicking his pen incessantly and keeps glancing at Rachel with gritted teeth] ERIC: [yelling at Rachel] ENOUGH WITH THE HAIR!!! RACHEL: [snaps] What? ERIC: You heard me! JACK: She couldn't hear anything over that pen. Click-click! Click-click-click-click-click-click! RACHEL: [tersely to Jack] I don't need you to defend me, Apple Boy! ERIC: [to Jack] Crunch! Crunch-crunch-crunch-crunch! Crunch-crunch-crunch! JACK: Click-click-click-click-click! ERIC: Crunch-crunch-crunch-crunch! JACK: Click-click-click! RACHEL: SHUT UP!!! Shut - up. ERIC: ...Crunch. RACHEL: [with forced calm] Look, I know these finals are worth ninety percent of our grades, but that doesn't mean we have to behave as wild animals do. ERIC: [hissing at Rachel] Talk! Talk-talk-talk-talk-talk-talk! Would you shut up and let me study?! RACHEL: Fine! JACK: Fine! RACHEL: Fine! ERIC: That's great! JACK: Fine! ERIC: That's great! RACHEL: Fine! ERIC: Terrific! RACHEL: Really- ERIC: Shut up. RACHEL -great. [They're silent for a moment, then Jack takes a huge, noisy bite from his apple] ERIC: WELL THAT'S IT!! [slams his book shut, picks it up and stands to leave] Now I'm going to the library, you people are so uptight, I can't even THINK! [pauses] You know how hard that is for me in the first place. JACK: Yes, we do. [Eric leaves] JACK: Finally. Now maybe we can get some studying done. RACHEL: Finally. [Just as Jack and Rachel settle to work, Eric comes back looking sheepish] ERIC: I don't know where the library is. [Without a word, Jack and Rachel stand and leave the apartment with Eric] --- [Jack, Eric and Rachel enter the library - it is packed full with students working silently at two large tables. Jack and Rachel sit at one of the tables opposite Dick, and Eric sits at the other, opposite Audrey] ERIC: Ahh, this is better! MOST OF THE OTHER STUDENTS: SHHH!!! ERIC: Sorry! AUDREY: You don't sound sorry, you sound loud. MOST OF THE OTHER STUDENTS: SHHH!!! AUDREY: Thanks, now they hate me too. GUY BEHIND A BOOKCASE: Shut UUUPPPPP!! AUDREY: You shut up. [to Eric] And you shut up. Everybody, SHUT UP! Ugh, I HATE college! DICK: Pressure... pressure, it's k*lling me! [stands up and screams] AHHHHH!!!! [Jack and Rachel look at each other and laugh] JACK: What's the matter with him? AUDREY: [to Jack aggressively] How would you like to have a book shoved down your throat? RACHEL: Hey, wait a second, he's a friend of mine! [Audrey stands up thr*at] AUDREY: You want a piece of me? [Rachel stands to face Audrey and towers over her; Audrey runs away and Rachel chases her around the library] RACHEL: Come back here, you little twerp! [Jack laughs] DICK: [to Jack] I don't like your face! JACK: Well I don't like... your pants! GUY BEHIND A BOOKCASE: Shut - up! DICK: [to Jack] What's wrong with my pants? [Everyone in the library stands up and starts arguing with each other] ERIC: HEY HEY HEY HEY!! [Everyone shuts up and looks at Eric] ERIC: What is happening here?! [Rachel storms past with Audrey hauled over her shoulder] ERIC: Look what we're doing to ourselves! I mean, these finals are turning us into monsters! GUY BEHIND A BOOKCASE: So what do we do? ERIC: That's a good question. [thinks, pacing the library] I'd like everybody to take off their... left shoe, and make a pile right here in the middle of the room right now. [Everyone takes off their shoe and throws it in front of Eric] ERIC: [to everyone] What are you thinking about right now? GUY BEHIND A BOOKCASE: My foot's cold. ERIC: Exactly! You're not thinking about the you-know-whats. RACHEL: What? ERIC: Can't say it. Look, we all know how important these you-know-whats are to our futures - not only here at Pennbrook, but for the rest of our lives. But the only way we're gonna do well... is if we relax. [puts his arm around a tense geeky-looking boy] Y'know, we calm down a little bit and stop biting each other's heads off and who knows, maybe we can even have a little bit of fun, huh?? [ruffles the geeky boy's hair] That's what I call the 'Eric Matthews Foolproof Study System'. [turns to the geeky boy seriously] Hello. I'm Eric Matthews. [The geeky boy smiles fondly at Eric and rests his head on Eric's shoulder; Eric paces the library confidently barking orders] ERIC: First things first, Rachel I want you to shake hands with the troll- [Rachel and Audrey shake hands] ERIC: -now I want everybody to come here and find a shoe. You will find who owns that shoe... and take 'em to the movies! Go on, go! [gestures to the shoes] [Everyone stands up and picks out a shoe; Jack picks one up and grimaces] JACK: Ergh, there's gum all over this one. DICK: Do you like popcorn? JACK: Do I! DICK: Crunch during the movie, I'll push your nose in your brain. [grabs his shoe from Jack] --- [Student Union, Friday night - Mr Feeny's poetry reading. Topanga, Shawn and Angela are sitting together amongst other students; Cory is on stage gesturing foolishly, getting ready to read a piece of his poetry; a guy playing bongos is sat nearby, tapping away for effect] CORY: [after a dramatic pause] All day long, I think of you. [looking at Topanga] How do you do... the things you do? I love you girl... with all my heart. BECAUSE YOU'RE PRETTY!! ...And you're smart. [drum roll on the bongos] ...TOPANGAAAAA! [Cory steps down from the stage and joins his friends; the crowd claps unenthusiastically] CORY: It's a tough room. MR FEENY: [takes the stage] The uh, final poet for this evening will be Mr Shawn Hunter. [Shawn's jaw drops] SHAWN: [to Cory] I can't believe you! When are you going to learn to stay out of my business?! MR FEENY: [kindly] Mr Hunter? CORY: [pats Shawn encouragingly on the back] Come on, we're all here for you. [Shawn reluctantly picks up a notebook and takes it with him onto the stage; he turns to the mic and clears his throat nervously] SHAWN: 'You don't know it, but sometimes...' [falters; the room is silent; he gulps hard and tries again] 'You don't know it, but sometimes... I... ' [Shawn falters again; Angela is looking at him warmly, but eventually he darts off the stage] SHAWN: I'm sorry. [walks outside as quickly as possible] CORY: [to the crowd, cheerfully] It's ok, everybody! It's ok, huh? Cory's here! It's just a touch of stage fright! [hops onto the stage] You know, his poems are better than mine! Ha! All right, I'll just, uh, read the one that he was gonna read. [Cory picks up the notebook which Shawn left behind and reads from it] CORY: This one's called 'Top of the World'. [pauses] 'You don't know it, but sometimes I go to a hill that overlooks the landscape's mask of city lights... for a sip of momentary grace. On this brink of everything I know, I can gain an eyeful of the lost Atlantis and the human soul... and a breath that fills my lungs with the air between two stars. If you were now to capture the image of this elation in the framework of your mind, or find transcendence through these words... then at most you would know nothing of the beauty your existence throws to me.' [Shawn enters the room looking solemn] 'For mine is a love no experience, no measure, no words, could ever degrade into reality by virtue of degree.' ANGELA: [to Topanga, who has her hand on her heart looking entranced] I don't understand... [Shawn strides across the room and grabs the front of Cory's shirt, dragging him off the stage] SHAWN: [to Cory, dangerously] Come with me. CORY: [looking absolutely baffled] Shawn... [Shawn practically throws Cory outside] SHAWN: Ok... how do I put this? [takes a deep breath] Who do you think you are? CORY: Well that's a silly question, Shawn, I'm your best- SHAWN: No no no no no. No jokes. No back-peddling. Look into my eyes, Cory. I am d*ad serious. [they look at each other] We have a problem here. CORY: All right. Shawn, I'm sorry. SHAWN: No no no no- CORY: I- SHAWN: That's not what I want to hear. Not this time. [raises his voice] I want to hear that you were wrong. That I asked you to back off, and YOU wouldn't take no for an answer. That you TOTALLY disregarded my feelings! You went WAY too far this time, Cory- CORY: All right, all right! [Shawn quietens] I did that! Ok, but I just wanna say- SHAWN: [furiously] Oh there'd better - there'd BETTER not be a 'but'. CORY: I did this for your own good! SHAWN: [stares at Cory] You have no idea what my poetry is about, do you? That poem that Feeny read in class - do you even know what that was about? [Cory says nothing] SHAWN: [sighs] Nothing. Cory, I can't say certain things. So... I write them down. That's how I get them out. Now I do that for me, not for anyone else. CORY: I heard the poem, Shawn- SHAWN: You HEARD it, but you didn't LISTEN to it. That poem you just read - do you even know who that was about? CORY: [earnestly] Me. SHAWN: It's about Angela. [Camera zooms out to reveal Angela standing at the door listening to every word] SHAWN: I wrote that for her. CORY: [indignant] Well! [Angela goes out and stands in front of Shawn looking very upset; she stands for a moment as though she's about to say something then slaps Shawn hard across the face; Topanga's jaw drops and Angela storms back inside] TOPANGA: Angela, wait... [Topanga follows Angela indoors; Shawn glares at Cory] SHAWN: [sarcastically] Thank you. [Shawn heads indoors, leaving Cory on his own outside looking hella guilty] --- [Topanga and Angela's dorm room. Angela is lying on her bed, upset; Cory enters looking apologetic] CORY: ...I don't know what to say. ANGELA: Well that's a first. CORY: Listen, I'm - I'm sorry I read Shawn's poem. And- no! I'm not sorry I read Shawn's poem! I mean, [falters] don't you see that he would love to tell you how he feels? ANGELA: Then he should tell me. CORY: Angela, he's writing poems for you... I mean he - he obviously is still in love with you. And I know you still love him. Remember? You told me. We were in the bathroom and you were in a towel and we hugged- ANGELA: [interrupts, embarrassed] I remember! [pauses] Maybe I do still have feelings for Shawn... ok? But that doesn't mean we should be together. I'm finally ok! I started to move on. CORY: [disbelieving] Heh, then what was the slap about? ANGELA: [looks at Cory earnestly] How can he still have feelings for me and not want to be with me? CORY: ...I don't know. ANGELA: You know, he broke up with me. [getting upset] He's the one that wanted to meet new people. If he can't tell me how he feels about me, then - then - then what are we?! CORY: Well uh, it - it's not in my nature to... interfere... [Angela grins] CORY: I dunno, maybe... his poetry is - is the only true way that he can tell you how he feels. Y'know? So... meet him halfway. [smiles kindly] Tell him how you feel. --- [Student Union. Shawn is sat in front of the fireplace scribbling in his notebook; Angela enters and Shawn stands to face her] SHAWN: [smiling] Angela... ANGELA: Go ahead. SHAWN: ...You sure? Not gonna h*t me again are you? [grins] ANGELA: I'm sorry I did that! [laughs] SHAWN: Nah, it's cool. I probably deserved it. ANGELA: [smiles] You're probably right. [Shawn clears his throat and sits back down in front of the fireplace] SHAWN: Look I've been going over these words over and over again in my head, 'cause... I wanna say this right. [Angela sits beside him] ANGELA: [gently] Oh, just... take your time. SHAWN: [takes a deep breath] We used to talk. I mean... really talk. I miss that. ANGELA: I miss it too. SHAWN: Things just got weird. I mean, I - I got weird. But I don't want us to ever stop talking... I couldn't stand that. ANGELA: Neither could I. And when I heard that poem- SHAWN: [smiles] Yeah, the poem - that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I wrote that a long time ago. [Shawn looks at her smiling broadly; Angela forces a smile] ANGELA: You did? SHAWN: Yeah! Like, way before we broke up, so... you don't have to feel weird., and... y'know, and everything's ok. ANGELA: Oh! Well! Great! Because, um, it would've really been awkward knowing that you still had feelings for me. When I've - when I've clearly moved on. SHAWN: Right. So I - I guess we've both moved on. ANGELA: [forces another smile] Yeah. We can just... go forward as friends. SHAWN: Good friends. [Both sit by the fireplace looking at each other, smiling] --- [Hallway at Pennbrook; Rachel and Audrey are standing together talking animatedly and Jack approaches them] JACK: [smiling] Hey! Are we ever gonna see you two apart? RACHEL & AUDREY: Not if we can help it! [laughing] [Eric bounds into the hallway] ERIC: Hey everybody! [Everyone greets him cheerfully] ERIC: When's the next test, huh? Who cares! [high-fives Jack] JACK: Listen, man, I thought I'd be the last person to say this, but uh... hey thanks for letting us all know we just needed to mellow out. DICK: By the way, what's the success rate of this system of yours? ERIC: System, what system? AUDREY: The 'Eric Matthews Foolproof Study System'! ERIC: Oh, dude! Totally made that up. [The other students look suddenly concerned] MANY STUDENTS: What?! ERIC: I know, I know, I know! Stop grumbling! Now I know you guys are all interested to see if this is gonna work, and you know what? So am I! DICK: So are you?! You don't understand, if I fail- [Students crowd around Eric complaining loudly and Mr Feeny enters holding a piece of paper] MR FEENY: [seeing the crowd] Ok, what has he done now? JACK: [to Mr Feeny] He talked us into this idiotic study system of his. MR FEENY: [blandly] Ooh, interesting. [addresses everyone] Ladies and gentlemen! [pins the piece of paper to a nearby notice board] Your grades. [Everyone rushes towards the notice board and upon finding their grade listed let out excited cheers; Audrey's at the back of the crowd jumping up and down] AUDREY: I can't see! RACHEL: Audrey you got an A too! AHHH!! SO EXCITED!! [The two jump and squeal; everyone wanders down the corridor chanting 'Eric! Eric! Eric!' Eric tries to join in with them but Mr Feeny drags him away] ERIC: [faintly chanting] Feeny! Feeny! ...Feeny... MR FEENY: [firmly] Hang with me. ERIC: I did nothing wrong! Is it a crime to take off your left shoe and take a friend to the cinema? MR FEENY: ...Take off your left shoe? ERIC: [laughs] Oh, not now, Feeny! C'mon. Y'know, just... everybody was so uptight about the finals, I thought I'd just... try to relax 'em. MR FEENY: Oh, I see. Congratulations! I'm impressed with your insight. A recent university study showed that uh, non-stop focussing on one's studies hindered performance. So it's a good idea to put down the books and clear one's mind. ERIC: [happily] Yeah! MR FEENY: [pointedly] AFTER one has studied thoroughly and absorbed the material. ERIC: Yeah! MR FEENY: You forgot that part, didn't you? ERIC: Yep, yep. [pauses] I didn't do so good, did I? MR FEENY: [mimics Eric] Yeah. [Mr Feeny drags Eric towards his classroom; as they pass the notice board, Eric quickly checks to see his grade] ERIC: [grimacing] Doh! MR FEENY: I told you! --- [The Student Union. Shawn is sitting on a couch writing in his notebook; Topanga enters and sneaks behind Shawn, covering his eyes with her hands] SHAWN: [smiling] Hey. [puts down his notebook] [Topanga walks round to face him] SHAWN: They're not here yet. TOPANGA: You're kidding! We're gonna miss the movie! [Shawn mumbles noncommittally; Topanga takes a seat] TOPANGA: So... everything ok with you and Angela? SHAWN: Yeah, yeah. We talked it out. I told her that I wrote the poem before we broke up, and... everything's ok. TOPANGA: [smiles] Good. [Shawn picks up his notebook and Topanga looks at it] TOPANGA: Hey, Shawn, is that the book you wrote the poem in? [points to the one he's holding] SHAWN: [nods] Mm hmm. TOPANGA: [pauses] Isn't that the book that I gave you for your birthday? SHAWN: What's your point? TOPANGA: [shrewdly] Well my point is that you and Angela broke up before your birthday, so you couldn't have written that poem two months ago... [catches on] Shawn? [Shawn shifts guiltily] SHAWN: Ok! Ok, you caught me. I wrote it after we broke up. TOPANGA: [excitedly] How long after?? SHAWN: Not long after. TOPANGA: How long after? SHAWN: I wrote it two weeks ago. TOPANGA: [leaps on the couch and wraps her arms around him] Oh Shawn you DO still love Angela!! SHAWN: Ok, let's keep it down, let's keep it down. [Topanga lets him go and looks at him warmly] SHAWN: I can't get her out of my mind, you know? [Topanga nods] SHAWN: I miss her... I miss how she made me feel. I miss the fact that I could tell her things that no one else understands - not even Cory. TOPANGA: Well then tell her that, Shawn! SHAWN: I - I can't tell her that. TOPANGA: Why not? SHAWN: Because I told her that I needed my space. I told her that I wanted to meet new people. I did this! TOPANGA: [shrilly] If you two love each other you should be together! Maybe if Angela knew how you felt- SHAWN: No, it's too late. Angela's not in love with me anymore. She told me - she's over me, that she just wants to be friends. [Scene cuts to the patio outside the Student Union; Angela is heading in there when Cory calls her from behind] CORY: Hey. [Angela turns] CORY: Listen, are you ok with us all going out? I mean, I - I hope I didn't mess everything up for you. ANGELA: [smiles and straightens the collar of Cory's jacket] I'm ok. You mean well. [taps him on the cheek] You always mean well. CORY: You know I didn't tell Shawn about how you feel, right? ANGELA: I know. [Scene cuts back inside the Student Union] SHAWN: [earnestly to Topanga] I want you to promise me. Promise me you're not going to tell anyone - even Cory. TOPANGA: Ok. SHAWN: I mean that. [holds out his little finger] Pinkie swear. TOPANGA: [smiles and links her little finger with his] I swear. [Cory and Angela enter] CORY: [to Topanga] Hey, what do you swear? TOPANGA: I swear that I'm going to k*ll you if we miss this movie. [smiles at Shawn] SHAWN: What took you guys so long? ANGELA: Just tying up some loose ends - right, Cor? CORY: Yeah. Hey, we'd better get going if we don't want to miss this movie. [Topanga and Angela walk away together] CORY: [to Shawn] Are we ok? SHAWN: [grins] You're my date, aren't you? [Shawn puts his arm around Cory's shoulders and the two leave together] --- [Student Union - another poetry night. Cory is on stage.] CORY: My next poem is called... 'Frustration'. [The bongo player taps away; Cory looks suddenly pained] CORY: [gesturing desperately with his hands] 'COME ONNNNN, TOPANGA!!!' [The other students applaud weakly; Cory and the bongo player look pleased with themselves] CORY: I call this next poem... 'Feeny'. [The bongo player taps away; Cory dances to the b*at] CORY: 'Mr Feeny is very smart... on many subjects, including art. And yet he can't help me with my frustration [screams] COME ONNNNNNN TOPANGAAAAAAAA!!!!!'

{"type": "series", "show": "Boy Meets World", "episode": "06x09 - Poetic License: An Ode to Holden Caulfield"}

foreverdreaming

Opening Credits [SCENE – Cory & Shawn’s dorm. It is still empty, as Cory & Shawn have yet to unpack. Cory is talking to Shawn, each sitting on their respective beds] Cory: We’re putting Topanga’s parents back together. Shawn: Cory, I know you think we can do anything, but we can’t. Cory: Why not? (Stands) Shawnie, do you honestly believe there is something the two of us can’t do? Shawn: I don’t want to get into this with you right now, I just don’t want to go to Pittsburgh, okay? It’s cold. It’s flu season. There’s steel all over the place. Cory: What’s the problem, Shawnie? Shawn: These are adults. It’s not like we can just go, “Hey, Debbie likes you…” (Enter Topanga and Angela) Topanga: (solemnly) We just wanted to come by and get the rest of our stuff. We’re in the apartment now, you know. Cory: Why do you need to be so somber? Topanga: Cory, the only relationship I believed in more than ours is d*ad. And I’m not somber. Cory: I want you to turn that frown… upside down. (Grins) Topanga: Stop it. Shawn: (Stands) Yeah, Cory, don’t. Cory: Don’t what? Don’t be the only one of us that knows the four of us should be together? Well I’m gonna fix you. (Points to Topanga) And I’m gonna fix you (points to Angela) and I’m gonna fix you. (Points to Shawn) And then I’m gonna take a bath. Topanga: Goodbye. Cory: Goodbye, mopey. (Makes constrained-smile face) Topanga: Don’t make fun of me! Insensitive jerk. (exits) Cory: (Happily) And she’s gonna be Misses Insensitive Jerk. Angela: Shawn. Shawn: Angela. Cory: (To self) Okay, here’s like an hour out of my life. Angela: (To Shawn) I can’t be in a relationship right now. Shawn: Fine. You know what, that’s absolutely fine. But this is you. And if you walk out that door I’m just gonna forget that you ever existed. (Angela eyes Shawn oddly, then slowly exits) (Turns to Cory) I’ll do anything to get her back. Cory: Let’s ride. (He & Shawn exit) [SCENE – The girls’ dorm, which now belongs to Jack and Eric. It is decorated in all sorts of girly stuff, like Hello Kitty plush dolls, pink pillows, and a big Backstreet Boys poster above the far bed. Eric & Jack sit on that bed, looking depressed.] Eric: (Forced) This place is perfect for us I like it. Jack: (Lying) I’m glad we gave up our apartment. Eric: (Stands) Bachelor pad. (Leans against wall near BSB poster) Jack: Masculine kingdom. Eric: Yep. (Sighs) That is one big frickin’ picture of the Backstreet Boys. Jack: (Stands, faces Eric) The BSB… rocks. (Eric looks at him incredulously) I’m just trying to make the best out of a bad situation. Eric: I’m a loser. I want my apartment back, (Through gritted teeth) this place is for girls! Jack: (Holds up nail polish) Look! Nail polish! Eric: (Excitedly) Oh, oh, do me! First me hands, and then me feets! Jack: Alright, y’know what? You need to calm down. Eric: Y’know something, you’re right, you’re right, I’m sorry. (Inhales) We gotta get our apartment back, man. Jack: You’re right man. Eric: I can’t spend another second in this place. Jack: Why not? Eric: Because the cute one’s lookin’ at me. (Nods towards BSB poster) Jack: You think Howie’s the cute one? I thought Nick was the cute one. (Eric leaves, opening the door. Jack follows) Howie’s the one with the hat. [SCENE – Student café. Jack and Eric, having sought advice from Feeny, are sitting at a table with him. Feeny closes a book] Feeny: Alright, boys, whaddya got for me? Eric: We got bullies, man. Big, vicious bullies. Jack: What do we do? Feeny: I’ll tell you what you do, you stand up to them. Jack: Even if they’re gir– Eric: (Interrupting) –rillas? Even if they’re gorillas, big banana-eating gorillas? Feeny: By definition, bullies will back down. Whether they’re banana-eating gorillas or three cute little co-eds who have made a mockery of your name. Jack: Oh no, my name’s mockery! Eric: How did you know that? Feeny: Dude, you’re the laughing stock of the college. Eric: (Turns to see the whole room laughing and pointing, turns back to Jack) Jack, everybody’s laughing at you! (laughs) …look at his hair and… (laughs) …the shirt… (Continues laughing, then falls out of his chair) [SCENE – Hallway outside Jed’s apartment in Pittsburgh. Cory & Shawn enter] Shawn: Cory, before we actually start interfering with these people’s lives, don’t you think we should find out why they actually split up in the first place? Cory: It’s insignificant, Shawnie. It’s unimportant. Okay, this is mister and misses Lawrence. We’ve known these people all our lives. They’re in love with each other and they do not want to split up. Trust me, I once caught him grabbing her tushy and going, “A-ooga!” (Pumps arm) (Knocks on door) Shawn: I don’t want to go in there. Cory: Shawn, do you want to be back with Topangela or not? Shawn: Topangela? Cory: I’m just trying to save time, here. Shawn: Topanga’s father has always hated me, he once threw a rock at my head. (Jed answers the door) Jed: Cory, you’re a long way from Philadelphia, aren’t you? Cory: I’m here to save your life. Jed: (Coldly) Hunter… Cory: (Quietly, to Shawn) Wow… Shawn: Told ya. (They enter Jed’s apartment, which is a mess.) Jed: Ah, this is what’s known as a “transitional place,” boys. Uh, sorry for the mess. Cory: Well, I hope you don’t mind my saying this, but, uh, this is a real pity. Shawn: Whoa, man. It’s a human tragedy, huh Cor? (Quiet sidebar) Too much? (Cory shakes his head) Jed: Cory, why are you here? Cory: I’m here because I want you to leave this place and go back to your lovely home. Jed: Listen, I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but my wife and I are better off without each other. Cory: No, no you’re not. Listen, Mr. Lawrence, I have known you two my entire life. Alright, I know how much you love each other. (Hesitates) I saw you go “A-ooga!” (Pumps arm) Jed: You saw that? Cory: Yes I did. Jed: You didn’t see “honk, honk,” did ya? Cory: (Shakes head) No, no… Jed: Listen, thanks for coming, guys, but I’ll be just fine. Cory: Dirty dishes and wrinkled shirts is fine? (Jed looks at Cory surprised) I mean, what do you got here, Mr. Lawrence? You got ESPN and a six pack, you got nothing. Jed: Cory, what gives you the right to talk to me like that? Cory: (Prudently) Love. That I believe in its power and in its purpose and that somehow… you’ve forgotten. So I guess that gives me the right to remind you. Jed: You got a lot of confidence, Cory. (Sits in recliner) Cory: Well, you know, to tell you the truth, it’s not just for you, actually, Shawn and I really miss Topangela. (Jed looks at him curiously) Time, I’m just trying to save time. Shawn: Why don’t you like me? Is it because growing up you thought I was a little hood? Jed: No, it’s because of the time I went down into the basement and caught you making out with Topanga. Cory: Oh, see Shawn (Turns to Shawn abruptly) WHAT DID YOU DO!?!?! Jed: I’m kidding, Cory. (Swats him with newspaper) It was always you in the basement. Cory: Heh-he… It was always me in the basement. (Nudges Shawn) I spent many happy years in that basement. (Bitterly) Didn’t get nothin’! (Jed stands) Shawn: So? Why don’t you like me? Jed: Because I always thought it was gonna be you in the basement with Topanga! Hunter, I was scared of you. (Through laughter) When… actually… I should’ve been scared of… (Shawn laughs, too. Cory looks indignant) You turned out to be a good kid, Hunter. I was wrong. Maybe I’m wrong about a lot of things. Cory: I want you to see your wife again. Jed: (Shakes head) I can’t. Cory: Can’t you please just see your wife again? Jed: I can’t! Cory: Look, don’t you feel that you owe her that much? Jed: Cory! She kicked me out! [SCENE – Rhiannon’s house. Cory & Shawn are there, talking to her while she waters a plant.] Rhiannon: Cory, we’re done. Cory: If you love somebody, how can you be done? Rhiannon: You’re young, you don’t understand what happens when people fall out of love. Cory: No, no. See, I don’t believe that. You’re angry at each other. Okay, like my parents get. But then, they remember that they love each other, and everything’s okay again. Rhiannon: Cory, we’re not your parents. We’re different people in a different situation. Cory: Do you understand that your daughter doesn’t even believe in love anymore because she thinks that you don’t? Rhiannon: (Turns and faces Cory closely) Cory, if you and Topanga truly love each other, you’ll be fine. Cory: Look, I want you to be fine. Okay? Now, will you see your husband, please? Rhiannon: (Thinks) No. (Walks past Cory) Cory: Will you see your husband, please? Rhiannon: No! Cory: Will you see your husband, please? Rhiannon: Oh, man! Shawn: You think he’s backing down? He’s not backing down. Cory: Look, he’ll come over here, okay? And everything will be good again, don’t you want everything to be good again? Rhiannon: Yes! I want everything to be good again. (Shrugs) It’s just not as easy as that. Cory: Yes, it is. Look, I know you two. Okay, I know how much you love each other. Rhiannon: Cory, why are you doing this? Cory: I don’t know, I guess I’m paying you back for the two thousand peanut butter and jelly sandwiches you made me. Rhiannon: He really wants to see me? You’re not just saying that because you think it’s right? Cory: (Shawn looks at him judgingly) I would never do that. [SCENE – Rachel, Topanga, and Angela’s apartment. Jack and Eric are there, standing over them.] Eric: We want our apartment back and we want it back now! Jack: You’re bullies is all you are and I, for one, have never backed down from a bully. Rachel: (She, with Topanga and Angela, is painting her toenails) I really respect that, Jack. Angela: (Baby tone) You guys are such strong men, what strong men. Topanga: Can I offer a slight suggestion? (Stands) Eric: of course you may. Topanga: How about we settle this right now? (Walks over to Eric & Jack) How about we kick your squirrelly butts right now? Do you guys have any idea what is going on in my life right now? Do you have any idea how much anger I have inside of me? Jack: (To Eric, shrugging) A lot? (Eric shrugs) Topanga: Steel cage match, tag team. Whoever lives gets this apartment. Eric: (Mock laughter) Ha! Ha! Ha! Jack: Let me get this… Eric: Ha! Jack: …straight. Eric: You three… girly girls… Jack: …want to wrestle us, uh, manly me? (Flexes biceps) Eric: (To Jack) Do the thing with the arms, do the thing. (Sees his bulging biceps) Look at that. Jack: Just a little… Eric: Boom! Angela: Are you sure about this, Topanga? (Topanga grabs a soda can, gives a kung fu w*r cry, the crushed the can against her forehead. Unimpressed, Eric pats Jack’s chest and grabs a can himself.) Jack: (Confidently) Okay… Eric: (Says some fake Japanese to be intimidated, then rams the can into head head. It doesn’t crush) Oh… (Falls on the floor) Jack: It’s supposed to be an empty can, Eric! [SCENE - Rachel, Topanga, and Angela’s apartment. Angela and Rachel set the table down upstairs while Topanga throws the rolled-up rug aside. Eric & Jack watch] Topanga: Let’s go. Bring it on! Eric: (To Jack) Dude, what did Cory do to her? Jack: (Angela & Rachel come down the steps & stand next to Topanga) Wait, wait, wait. Wait. How are we supposed to wrestle… without a referee? Huh, huh? Eric: Yep, he’s right, we can’t do this. (They begin to bicker) There’s no way to think about this. There’s no possible way to do it. How are we gonna do it, without a referee!? (The door is suddenly busted down by Mankind, who looks around, confused.) Mankind: Where am I? [Cut to later. Side by side (by side), Topanga, Rachel, and Angela are loosening up. A bell sounds] Jack: It’s nice to meet you, Mankind. (Shakes his hand) Mankind: You having a nice day? Eric: Nice to meet you, governor. (Shakes Mankind’s hand) Mankind: Good luck. Eric: Thank you so much for refereeing, this shouldn’t take too long. Mankind: Okay, the rules are simple. There will be absolutely no: touching the girls above the belts. Eric: Oh, no… Jack: So, wait, hang on a second… Mankind: And none of this! (Knees Eric in the stomach, he yelps) There’ll be none of… (Picks Eric up by the neck, he yells) And there will be absolutely none of this! (Picks Eric up and flips him onto the couch, he falls onto the floor) Jack: Sounds good. Mankind: Alright, let’s bring it! (Pumps fist, bell dings) (Rachel walks to Jack, stepping on Eric as she does so. He lets out a gurgled moan. Rachel throws a punch, and Jack catches it) Jack: Rachel, I can’t fight you. You’re too sweet. Rachel: Oh, Jack, that’s really sweet of you. Mankind: That is sweet. Jack: (Turns to Mankind, with his back to Rachel) Oh, thank you. (Rachel jumps on Jack’s back. Jack yells. Rachel bangs Jack’s face into a pile of sandwiches on the counter, then abruptly stops, waving her hand.) Rachel: I broke a nail. Angela! (Runs over and tags Angela) Mankind: We’ve got a tag. Angela: (To Jack, who’s cupping his mouth) Oh my God, are you okay? (Jack says something muffled (think Kenny from South Park) and looks scared. Letting out another kung fu w*r cry, Angela grabs Jack’s neck and throws him into the counter) Jack: Whoa! (Angela tags Topanga) (Jacks, waving his arm, slowly walks toward Eric, who in on the couch) Eric: No. No, don’t tag me. Don’t tag me. (Moves away, but Jack tags him) Mankind: Oh, for crying out loud! (Grabs Jack by the neck and Eric by the nose and pulls them up in front of the girls. They scream in pain) Get in there and wrestle! (The girls approach menacingly) Eric: (Holding Jack) Jack, I don’t know where to grab, all I see are girly parts. Mankind: Don’t touch those! Jack: Alright, there’ three of them, this is unfair! Eric: Yeah! Mankind: The only things that is not fair is this! (Knees Eric’s stomach, Eric groans) And this! (Throws Eric into the banister, which breaks. Eric yells) Jack: (Claps hands) Okay, bring it on. Eric: (On ground, pitifully) This apartment is ours! (Topanga picks up Eric and wraps her arm around his neck, punching his stomach with the other hand. She then throws him over the counter. Rachel and Angela are double-teaming Jack, with Rachel twisting his arm and Angela grabbing and pulling at his nose. Topanga then drags Eric across the floor by his hair, then joins Jack on the couch after Angela threw him there. Rachel begins kicking Eric in the side.) Mankind: Do you want me to ring the bell? (The bell dings, Rachel, Angela, and Topanga jump up excitedly. Eric and Jack cower on the floor) And your winners are… (Points to the girls) The apartment is yours! (The girls cheer, Angela and Topanga exchange high fives) [SCENE – Rhiannon’s house. Cory and Shawn are there. Rhiannon opens the door, Jed is there.] Rhiannon: Hi, Jed. Jed: Hi, Rhiannon. (Uncomfortably) What’s up? Cory: (To self) “What’s up”? Are you kidding me? Jed: Can I come in? Rhiannon: Please. (She lets him in then shuts the door) Jed: So, um, how are you? Rhiannon: I’m okay, I guess. Cory: (To self) Oh, nobody in the world knows how to do anything right. Jed: Hey, Shawn! Shawn: (Stands) Mr. Lawrence. Jed: (Jokingly) Who’s in the basement? Shawn: (Jokingly) Not me, not me. Jed: Hey, Cory. Cory: (Quietly, points to Rhiannon) Her, talk to her… Rhiannon: Cory told me that you wanted to see me. Jed: He did? He told me the same thing. (They both look to Cory) Cory: Well, hey, it’s just important that you’re here together, right? Jed: Well, we should be able to be together, no matter what went on between us. Rhiannon: You think so? Cory: (Sidebar with Shawn) Shawnie, they’re talking. Jed: Rhiannon, I just want you to know that I would never trade the years that we had. Cory: (Quietly with Shawn) That is so beautiful. That’s right from the soul. You didn’t think we were gonna pull this off, did you? Jed: And in time, I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Cory: (Still to Shawn) Bam! There it is, forgiveness. Forgiveness is everything. Shawn: Forgive him for what? Cory: Who cares? Shh! Rhiannon: Is that what you came here to say? That you want me to forgive you? Jed: I don’t want you to hate me anymore! Rhiannon: Well, what do you want me to say, Jed? I don’t hate you, I… (Stops herself, fixes hair uncomfortably) Wow… Because of our life together and the beautiful child that we’ve made… Cory: (Whispers to Shawn) Topanga. Rhiannon: I will try as hard as I can to forgive you. Cory: Oh my gosh. Shawn: (In disbelief) You did it. Cory: I did it. I really did it, Shawnie. Rhiannon: And I hope you find happiness with Marie. Shawn: (With Cory, looks shocked) Oh, no… Cory: Who’s Marie? Rhiannon: Marie is the woman that he loves now. Cory: (To Jed) How could you do that? Jed: I’m sorry, Cory. Cory: How could you love any other woman but this woman? (Gestures to Rhiannon, who is opening the door) What is wrong with this woman? (Moves Rhiannon in front of Jed’s path to the door) Jed: Cory, please… (exits) Rhiannon: (shuts the door) Cory, um, these things happen. Cory: Why? Rhiannon: I don’t know. (Starts to leave) Cory: Wait… wait a minute. Love can’t just die. Rhiannon: It can, Cory. It did. I’m just so sorry that you had to find out like this. Cory, please don’t tell Topanga, I don’t want her to hate her father. (Exits) (Cory looks traumatized) Shawn: Cor… Cory: Yeah? Shawn: What if we don’t know anything? [SCENE – Feeny’s classroom. The class is milling about, with Topanga talking to Angela, as Cory and Shawn enter.] Shawn: (To Cory) Okay, there they are. What are we doing here, Cory? (Cory starts walking towards Topanga & Angela, Shawn follows) Wherever we go, I’m following your lead, okay? There they are. What are we doing? Topanga: (To Cory & Shawn) Hey. How was your weekend? Shawn: Boring, uneventful. We, uh, we stayed here in Philly. Local. Stayed in town… Cory: We went to Pittsburgh. Shawn: Oh, yeah… Topanga: Why would you go to Pittsburgh? Shawn: Steel. We needed to find some g-g-girders? Cory: We went to talk to your parents. Shawn: Oh, yeah… (Eyes Cory confusedly) Topanga: (Agitated) You went to talk to my parents without talking to me first? Shawn: Hey, Topanga, it wasn’t that big of a… Topanga: (Interrupting Shawn, to Cory) Did you there to fix everything? Shawn: Hey! Topanga: (To Cory, angrily) Huh? Is that what you did, Superman? Shawn: Hey, hey! Knock it off! Look, Cory traveled a hundred miles on a Greyhound bus and found your parents to try to put them back together for you. For you! And he was brilliant. Topanga: He was? Shawn: He made some unbelievable moves. “Will you see your wife, please?” “Will you take your husband back, please?” He was good, Topanga. (Turns to Cory) You were good. (Steps back) Topanga: Were you? Cory: I wanted to be. Topanga: What does that mean? Cory: I failed. I failed horribly. I don’t think your parents are gonna get back together. Topanga: I don’t, either. I just… I just don’t understand what could’ve happened between them. I mean, they were so in love. Cory: I know. Topanga: Do you have any idea what could’ve happened to them? Cory: (Thinks, Shawn looks at him for his answer) No. I don’t know, y’know, sometimes… (shrugs) things just happen. But you are right. Everything I believed was wrong. Sometimes, love just dies. Topanga, look… (Topanga abruptly turns and sits in her desk, ending the conversation) (enter Feeny) Feeny: Good morning. (Cory & Shawn take their seats) Shawn: (To Cory) Now what? Cory: Now it’s over. Feeny: (Looking in a book) (To class) If you will open your books to page 48, please… Shawn: (To Cory, quietly) Don’t say that. You’ve never said that before. Cory: Yeah, well I’ve never believed it before, either. Feeny: (To class) We’ll turn our attention to the Cold w*r. (Cory and Topanga slowly turn to face each other. Then, sadly, Topanga looks down) [TAG – Eric and Jack are trying to redecorate the dorm. Jack is holding up a wallpaper book against the wall, as Eric gives his opinion. For some reason, Mankind is on the opposite bed.] Eric: No! No flowers, how many times do I gotta tell you! We gotta pick wallpaper that says we’re men! Jack: (Flips the page) Ooh, teddy bears? Eric: (Excitedly) Yeah! Yeah, yeah, teddy bears! (Turns to Mankind) Hey, what do you think, Mankind? Mankind: (Holding a Hello Kitty doll) I think the first thing you’ve got to do is take down that poster (stands, dropping doll) because the cute guy is staring at me. (Glares at poster) I hate being stared at. (Eric looks at his feet, Jack can’t stop staring) Jack: Oh, no. I can’t stop looking at him. Eric: (Still looking at feet) Dude, don’t look at him. Jack: Can’t help it. He has leather straps on his face. Mankind: It’s time that you met, Mr. Socko. (Takes a socks from his waistband and puts it on his hand) Jack: Great, great. I love meeting new people. (Mankind crams his hand, with a sock on it, in Jack’s mouth. He then lays him onto the bed.) Eric: (Pulls Mankind away from him) Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey! That’s my friend! Nobody does that to my friend. You know what? You’re a bully. You too, Mr. Socko. You know something, I’m gonna stand up to you, just like Feeny told me to. And then you’re both gonna back down. You know why? ‘Cause you are a bully by definition. Mankind: Would you like to fly through the air or go through the wall? Eric: (Thinks) Mmmmm… Air, please. (Mankind picks him up and launches him upwards) Woo-hoo! END OF EPISODE

{"type": "series", "show": "Boy Meets World", "episode": "07x02 - For Love and Apartments (Part 2)"}

foreverdreaming

Opening Credits [SCENE – Student café. There is a big pep rally, so there is a gigantic cheering crowd. Shawn and Angela, however, are sitting on the couch and talking closely] Shawn: (Yelling over noise) If I was only gonna be alive for one minute, I’d spend it looking in your eyes. Angela: (Also yelling over noise) And if you were only gonna be alive for one minute, I’d tell you to stop looking, and staaart kissing! (They begin making out) [Cut to a stage that is set up in the front of the room. On top are cheerleaders, Jack, Eric, and Rachel among them. Rachel has a megaphone.] Rachel: (To crowd, through megaphone) Who’s going down? Crowd: The Amish! Rachel: Who’re we gonna b*at? Crowd: The Amish! Rachel: And who’s gonna lead us to victory? Crowd: Jerry Mungo! (Cheers) Go Pangy! Go Pangy! Go Pangy! (Their mascot, a giant penguin, jumps onto a trampoline and does a somersault. The crowd breaks into more cheers) [Cut to outside. Topanga is sitting alone at a table, studying. Shawn and Angela walk out, holding hands.] Angela: It’s so noisy in there, can we sit with you? Topanga: Yeah, sure. As long as you guys don’t… (They sit and begin making out) …that. (Looks disgusted) [Cut back to inside] Crowd: (led by Rachel on megaphone) Pennbrook! Pennbrook! Yay, Pennbrook! (Jack and Eric hoist a cheerleader up, each holding a foot) Whoo-hoo! (Eric looks up, and is entranced by looking up the cheerleader’s skirt.) Jack: (Giving Eric the evil eye) Eric. Eric: What? Oh… (They let the cheerleader down) (To cheerleader) See ya, panty. (Closes eyes, realizing his mistake) Patty. (The crowd begins to quiet, talking amongst themselves) Jack: You would rather look up her skirt than b*at the Amish, wouldn’t you? Eric: I got nothing against the Amish, they’re a decent, hard-working, agrarian people. Jack: Who kicked out butts 47 years in a row! Eric: Oh, so they’re on a little streak. What’re the chances they’re gonna do that again? Jack: Vegas has ‘em a 14-point favorite. Eric: You? Mister Clean-Cut? A gambling man? Jack: Get off my back, jeez! Eric: (Seriously) Jack, (grabs his shoulders) I’m gonna ask you this one time: do you have a serious problem that needs my help? Jack: No. Eric: (Happily) Okay. (They hug, Jack walks away) (Eric watches the penguin mascot remove his head. The man inside has a long beard and glasses.) Hey look, the penguin’s Amish! (Laughs) (Angrily) Hey! (Chases after the penguin over the stage, then behind the counter) Come here! (They penguin climbs over the counter, with Eric behind him, then jumps off the stage via the trampoline. Eric, trying to follow, jumps onto the trampoline but goes back onto the stage.) Dang! (Runs off the stage around the trampoline.) [SCENE – Outside the student café. Shawn and Angela are still in the chair. Topanga sits at the table when Cory approaches] Cory: (Points to Shawn & Angela) Look how the formerly separated now behave, okay? I wanna be like them! Topanga: Why? You wanna make out till we realize we hate each other some day? Cory: Topanga, we hate each other now! (Sits) Okay, so your little plan doesn’t work, does it? Kiss me with tongue! (Sticks out tongue, Topanga gives him the cold shoulder) (To self) She thinks that’s gonna stop me. That’s not gonna stop me! (Turns to Angela & Shawn, still kissing) She’s thinks that’s gonna… how ya doin’? (Turns back to Topanga, who’s still facing away) That’s not gonna stop me! (Lunges forward to kiss Topanga on the cheek, she shoves him down onto the floor) Topanga: (Stands) Cory, are you okay? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that. Cory: (Stands, looks stricken) That’s it, Topanga, I’ve had it with you. (Enter Eric, carrying the empty Pangy mascot suit) Eric: Okay, turns out the penguin was an Amish infiltrator. And he had our team’s playbook in his britches. How’d I get it out? Don’t really want to talk about it. Point is, we’re gonna need a new mascot. (Begins to walk away) Cory: I’ll do it. (Eric stops) I’ll be the penguin. Topanga: Cory, you can’t be the penguin. You’ll hurt yourself. Cory: I couldn’t be hurt any more than you’ve hurt me already. (Begins to walk away, stops at Angela & Shawn kissing in the chair) How ya doing? (Takes the penguin head from Eric) (To Topanga) Now, you broke my heart. I gave ya every opportunity. (Puts on head) But now, I have to keep my dignity. (Turns to Eric) How do I look? Eric: You da bird. Cory: (Exaggeratedly) Oh! (Cups hand to side of head, turns to Topanga) You hear that, Topanga? I the bird! And this bird is moving on! This bird is flying solo! Eric: (Turns to crowd inside the café) Ladies and gentlemen! Put your hands together for the pride of Pennbrook… Pangy the Pennbrook Penguin! (The crowd cheers. Cory, wearing the penguin head, dances into the room, Topanga looks on.) [SCENE – Matthews’ kitchen. The Matthews family plus Jack are eating dinner] Cory: (Grinning goofily) I’m gonna be the penguin. Alan: (To Jack and Eric) What’s this I hear about Jerry Mungo not playing Saturday? I mean, Jerry Mungo doesn’t play, you guys have no chance. Cory: (Excitedly) I’m gonna be the penguin! Eric: (To Alan) There’s just a rumor he might not be eligible academically. Morgan: I hear he’s dumber than you. Eric: (Laughing) Nah! Alan: Well, Jerry Mungo better be playing Saturday. Cory: I’m gonna be the penguin! Alan: ‘Cause I’m tired of losing money better against the Amish. Amy: Alan, I really don’t like it that you’re gambling. Alan: That’s why I do it. Cory: Topanga doesn’t think I can be the penguin. She doesn’t know me. Fine. We’re not getting married, fine! Amy: (To table) I hope none of you start gambling. Jack: (Deadpan) Why? Because it could ruin your life? Blow every relationship you’ve ever had? Make mom and step dad almost have to sell the house in the Hamptons? (Chews food exaggeratedly) Alan: (To Amy) Would it k*ll you to use real potatoes? Morgan: (To Jack) I heard you had a problem. Jack: (Looks suspicious) What? Cory: (To all) Now, Topanga just doesn’t believe in love anymore. Alan: (To Cory) Well, maybe you should face reality. Maybe it’s time to move on with your life. Cory: I am. I’m the penguin. (Smiles) [SCENE – Student Union. Angela and Shawn are making out in a chair, while Jerry Mungo, clad in his jersey, tosses a football in the air. Feeny approaches and takes the football in midair] Feeny: Study, Mr. Mungo. Star running back or no, you fail my test, you don’t play. Jerry: You know, when this college paid me to come here they didn’t say nothing about no tests. (Stands) Feeny: Did they say anything about double negatives? Jerry: Why are you so upset? Feeny: (Hits the football into Jerry’s arms) Open a book. (Walks away) (As he passes Shawn & Angela, still making out) How ya doin’? (Exits) (Enter Eric and Jack) Eric: Hey, Rach! Great speech yesterday, really got everybody fired up. You know, RAH! Rachel: Well, thanks, but it wasn’t for the crowd, it was for Jerry. I was trying to light a f*re under his lazy butt. (Cut to Jerry inspecting his football, then back to Rachel) You know, if he doesn’t pass his exam, we don’t have a chance of winning the football game. Jack: (Uncomfortably) Yeah, well you know, sporting event… Oddly shaped ball… (Quietly, nervously, biting nails) Inside information, inside information. (Looks up to Eric quickly) Will you excuse me for a second, please? (Walks away, Eric follows) Eric: Dude? You’re, like, shaking. Jack: (Biting nails, trembling) There’s no such thing as a sure thing. That’s the first step to accepting you have a problem. (To no one) Hello, my name’s Jack. (Puts hand over his chest, breathes heavily) Eric: Hello. [Cut to Jerry on the couch, now with Rachel, who is attempting to tutor him] Rachel: Okay, Jerry, please get this one for the team, okay? Jerry: Alright, ask me anything. Rachel: What African nation abolished apartheid in 1986? Jerry: (Seriously) Florida. Eric: (Observing, nodding) That’s one right. Jerry: How come you keep asking me all these history questions? Rachel: (Looks at him in stupor) Because it’s your major you (begins hitting him with books) you dumb, dumb, dumbest person alive! (Stops the hitting) Jack: No way this goon is gonna pass Feeny’s test. (Walks away) Eric: (Looking at Rachel & Jerry, away from Jack) That’s great. Like, without, I don’t think we’re gonna have a prayer to… (Looks to Jack, who isn’t there) Now… Now you’re gone. Where did you go? [Cut to payphone, which Jack is talking on] Jack: Hey! Jack Hunter! I wanna place a little bet on the Pennbrook game. (Pause) Yeah, yeah, yeah, twelve-step program. I’m on the thirteenth step: relapse. (laughs) Just put me down for a dime on the Amish. Eric: (Quickly approaches, takes phone from Jack’s hands) Excuse me. Jack: Hey! Eric: (Into phone) Hello, bookie? Jack: (Tries to wrestle phone away) Hey, no, you don’t what you’re doing! You don’t know what you’re doing!! Eric: Hey, excuse me! Excuse me! (Into phone) Hello, bookie? Hi, um, my name is Eric. I would also like to place a dime on the Amish. (Pause) Thank you very much. (Slams phone on receiver) Bam! I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know what I’m doing!? Huh? He just put me down for a dime, baby, I’m down for a dime!! Jack: (Angrily) Do you know how much a dime is? Eric: I know the lingo. A dime’s fourteen dollars and fifty cents. Jack: (Briskly shakes head) A dime is a thousand dollars. Eric: Wow. (Laughs, passes out) [SCENE – Student Union. Cory enters, dressed as the Pennbrook penguin, except not wearing the head, but carrying it. Also, he is with a girl, Jonina, that isn’t Topanga.] Cory: So, uh, you really think I was good? Jonina: You were the best penguin ever. Cory: But what about when I fell into the band and knocked over the tubas? Jonina: (Excitedly) That was the best! Cory: Really! She thinks I’m a good penguin! (Leans closely to Shawn & Angela, who are still making out in one of the student union chairs) Topanga would’ve thought it was wrong for me to fall into the tubas. Shawn: (Separates from Angela) I’m busy here. (Resumes kissing) Cory: Sorry. You’re doing a great job. (Topanga enters, but stands in the doorway watching Cory with Jonina) Jonina: (To Cory) Maybe after the big game you wanna see my dorm room. Cory: Don’t all dorm rooms look the same? (Shawn, still kissing, kicks Cory’s penguin butt) (Realizes) Oh! (Chuckles) But… we really don’t know each other. Jonina: That’s why you’re coming to my room. [Cut to Topanga, still in the doorway, looking sad] [SCENE – Continued from before, Cory and Jonina have exited. Topanga walks in and sits on the couch] Topanga: (To Angela, who’s still kissing) Cory can do whatever he wants. Angela: (While kissing Shawn) He is. Topanga: (Unsure) If she’s what he wants, then… let him have her. Angela: (Turns to face Topanga, Shawn kisses her neck and cheek) Your what he wants, and he’s what you want. (To Shawn) Shawn, Shawn, Shawn… (He separates and looks at her) Give me five minutes, and I swear I’ll make it up to you. Shawn: (Nods) Okay. (To all) I haven’t had water for four days. (Walks away) Angela: (Moves next to Topanga) Topanga, everybody you know has tried to help you. Cory went to Pittsburgh, he tried to get your parents back together. What do you want from him? You happy like this? Topanga: I’ve never been so unhappy in my life. (Leans on Angela’s shoulder) Angela: (Puts arm around Topanga, pats her shoulder reassuringly) I thought I was protecting Shawn by pushing him away, but I was only hurting us both. I’m back with him, now. (Looks to Shawn at the counter, who smiles at her) And I’m happier than ever. Except I could use some chap stick. Topanga: Hm, here. (Takes a tube from her breast pocket) I have no use for it. (Angela takes it) (Shawn approaches and Angela stands to face him. They swap what they have, chap stick for bottle of water, make use of them, and then immediately resume making out ferociously, and collapse back into their chair. Topanga exits. Eric enters clad in a bicycling outfit and riding a bike. He honks his horn twice. Jack has entered, as well.) Eric: (To Jack in a horrible Italian accent) Oh! Ciao, bella! I like bike, I honkie da horn! (Honks horn three times rapidly) Jack: (Inspecting the bike) Eric… This is like a five thousand dollar bike. We’re only gonna win a thousand. Eric: (In accent) Oh no, that’s not right, my little Jacqueline. Jack: (Aggravated) Eric?! Eric: (In accent) No… My English is no so good I... I, how you say, I– (Jack quickly hits Eric in the side of the head, skewing his helmet) (In his regular voice) I called Danny. I placed a new bet. I bet four more dimes, we’re down for five large. (Holds up five fingers, looks at Jack proudly) Jack: (Terrified) You called Danny? Eric: (Nods) Yeah, what’s the big deal? I mean, you said it was a sure thing. Jack: Ah-AH! There’s no such thing as a sure thing, I learned that in rehab! Eric: (In accent) Then why I got the expensive bike? And the two-hundred-dollar panties with the cushions in the buttocks? Feel, it’s nice. (Jack slaps hand to forehead) Jack: Alright, alright, alright. Y’know what, it’s probably gonna be okay, as long as Jerry doesn’t play. Eric: He’s not gonna play. Jack: Well, there is a way he could play. Eric: (Overlaps Jack’s line) There’s no way he’s gonna play. Jack: (Overlaps Eric’s line) The only way he could play… Eric: (Overlaps Jack’s line) There’s the only way. Jack: There is. What if Feeny goes soft, lets him play? Eric: Oh, come on, Jack! It’s never gonna happen! I’ve know Feeny for, it’s gotta be… (mouths counting) Fifty-seven years now! He’s not gonna let him play! (Yelling) WHAT IF HE DOES!? Jack: (Shrugs) Then we lose. We can’t pay the bookie. Eric: (Tensely) And he’ll understand that. Jack: Yeah, he’ll understand that. He’ll understand that when he’s looking at our thumbs in a jar. Eric: He has a thumb jar? That seems odd… [SCENE – Feeny’s classroom. Feeny is grading papers at his desk when Eric rides in on his bike, still dressed as a bicyclist, honking his horn. Eric stops next to Feeny’s desk.] Feeny: Ah, the Tour de Idiot. Eric: (in accent) Hi, I’m from Italy… Feeny: (Interrupting) Shut up. Eric: Alright, Jerry Mungo. I think you should pass him and let him play no matter how stupid he is. Feeny: Eric, I’m gonna make this so simple that even you can understand it. Eric: (Takes off sunglasses) (In a challenging tone) You can try. Feeny: Because Jerry Mungo can score touchdowns, he’s been given a free ride through this university. I detest that. Eric: Alright, so let me try to get this perfectly straight, you’re saying that if Jerry Mungo fails his test, there’s absolutely no way you’re gonna let him play. Feeny: None whatsoever. Eric: (Laughs like an elf – “Hee-hee”) (Suddenly serious again) What’s passing? Feeny: Oh, that’s right, you wouldn’t know. Sixty-five. Eric: What if he gets a sixty-four? Feeny: Fails. Eric: If he gets an eighty? Feeny: Passes. Eric: Forty-two? Feeny: No good. Eric: (Pause) Twenty? Feeny: (Incredulously) Are you kidding me? Eric: Sorry, sorry, sorry. (Suppresses laughter) (Pause) What if he gets a twenty? Feeny: Focus, Mr. Matthews. Eric: Okay, right, wait wait, so let me try to understand this. You care more about morals and ethics than you do about football? Feeny: (Stands) That’s absolutely right. Eric: Oh, fine! Feeny: Fine. Eric: Fine! Feeny: Fine! Eric: Fine! Feeny: Fine! Eric: Fine! Feeny: (Irritated) I don’t want to play anymore! Eric: Fine! I win. (Smiles sheepishly, puts his sunglasses back on) (Elvish “hee-hee” laugh again. Backs up his bike clumsily, Feeny turns and glares at him. The “hee-hee” laughing stops. Feeny looks away, it resumes. He looks back, it stops. Eric exits into the hallway on his bike, still laughing, where Jack is waiting) Jack: Done? Eric: Oh, we’re done. It’s in the bag, baby. (Removes sunglasses) There’s no way Feeny’s gonna let him play. I did it, I outsmarted Feeny, it feels so good! Jack: Good for you, let’s go. Eric: No, one more. I’m gonna do one more. Jack: No, no. No, no. Eric, no. Eric: I’m gonna do one more! I’m gonna do one more! Shh-shhhh!! Shh-shhh!! Jack: Oh, boy… [Cut to Feeny’s classroom, Eric reenters as before, honking horn. Feeny looks up with dread] Eric: (Stopping at Feeny’s desk) Just remember something, Feeny. When Jerry Mungo fails his test, and that Amish horse-drawn buggy charges across our football field in victory, crushing the hearts of every student here at this university, you hold your head up high, Feeny. ‘Cause you held your “ethics” (does mocking, shaking motion), Feeny. (Sarcastically) Good for you. (Backs away with the elf laugh again, Feeny looks towards his desk wistfully) [SCENE – Hallway before Topanga, Rachel, and Angela’s apartment. The elevator dings, then opens, revealing Jed and Rhiannon inside. Jed steps out, followed by Rhiannon.] Rhiannon: Jed, there’s absolutely no reason to tell her this now. Jed: (Facing door) She’s gonna find out eventually, it’s better for her to find out from me. Rhiannon: (Sighs) This is not why we’re here. This is about Cory and Topanga, not about Topanga and you. Jed: (Looks at Rhiannon) Hey, the only reason there’s trouble between Topanga and Cory is because she’s trying to save Cory from what happened to us. I wanna help her. (Looks back at the door) Rhiannon: She’s not ready for this. (Shakes her head) You tell her you left me for someone else, she’ll hate you. Jed: (Turns back to Rhiannon) No, she won’t. I’m her father, she loves me. (Rings the buzzer) [Cut to later, in the apartment. Jed, sitting on the couch, has apparently just confessed to Topanga, who is standing over him. Rhiannon watches from the kitchen-area] Topanga: (Holds up hand to Jed) Get out. Jed: (Begging) Honey… Topanga: (Steps away, still with her hand up) Get out! Jed: (Stands) Topanga. Topanga: (Into her mother’s arms) Go! (Hugs Rhiannon) Jed: (Opens door, stands in doorway) (To Topanga, who’s still hugging Rhiannon) I love you, sweetie. I’m sorry. (Rhiannon stares icily, Jed exits) Topanga: (Still hugging Rhiannon, crying) Mom, I’m so sorry. (Separates, still holding her, looks at her) Did you know? Rhiannon: Yeah, honey, I knew. He was just so happy all the time. Topanga: But why didn’t you tell me? Rhiannon: Because that’s not what’s important. Topanga: I don’t like him anymore. (Pulls away, paces to the couch) Rhiannon: Neither do I. (Steps towards Topanga, who looks grumpy with her arms crossed) Except I do. And so do you, he’s your father, honey. Topanga: (Sits) I hate him! Rhiannon: (Sits) No, you don’t. You could never hate him. (Moves Topanga’s hair to the side and leans in) I would never want you to. Topanga: (Stands, paces towards kitchen) How can you be so rational about this? Rhiannon: Because after you cut his head out of all our photos and smash everything he owns and cry hysterically for three months… you eventually get to rational. Topanga: Well I’m not rational. Rhiannon: (Nods) That’s right. You’re not. Topanga: What? Rhiannon: (Stands, approaches Topanga) Honey, whatever happens between your father and me shouldn’t effect what happens between you and Cory. Topanga: (Stunned) You’re unbelievable. All of this is happening to you and all you can think about is me. Rhiannon: Well, I may not be a wife anymore, but… (sighs) I’m your mother. Topanga: (Breaks away, paces back towards the couch) I don’t ever want Cory and I to hurt each other like you and dad. Rhiannon: The hell with me and dad! (Walks towards Topanga) This isn’t about us, anymore, this is about you and Cory. (Holds Topanga’s crossed arms) And what you and Cory have, it’s… It’s rare and real and good and true. Why would you want to throw that away? Topanga: Because I’m scared. Rhiannon: Why? Topanga: Because of you! You scared me, I thought you two were happy! (Again, walks away towards the kitchen, but stops and turns to face Rhiannon) Rhiannon: Honey! Honey, we were. And now we’re not, but listen to me: I would never trade what I had with your father, even if I knew it wasn’t going to last forever. Topanga: (Quietly surprised) You wouldn’t? Rhiannon: Never. (Topanga looks stunned) (Sits with her daughter) Are you gonna give up Cory because you’re afraid of what might happen in the future? Or are you going to have the courage to marry him and find out? [SCENE – Student Union, there’s another pep rally, but this one’s right before game time. The band is playing a songs, while a wild crowd cheers, filling the room. They’re waving pennants and pom-poms and cheering for the Pennbrook penguin, who is dancing before them. Jonina approaches the penguin.] Jonina: (Seductively touching the penguin’s beak) Remember, my room after the game. (The penguin salutes exaggeratedly, then continues dancing) [Cut to Eric & Jack, dressed in their cheerleading uniforms] Eric: (Nervously) So Jack, it’s getting a little late, don’t you think should’ve announced he’s not playing by now? (Enter Feeny, who pushes through the crowd) Jack: Ooh-ooh, here comes Mr. Party Pooper now. Eric: (To crowd) Okay, everybody, quiet! Can I get some quiet please?! (Feeny climbs onto the stage, the crowd quiets) I believe that Mr. Feeny is about to announce some, well, bad news. Feeny: As some of you are aware, there have been rumors regarding whether or not our star player would actually be playing today. And I’m afraid I have some bad news. Jack & Eric: (Mock disappointment) Aw… Bad news… (To each other, excitedly) Yes! Feeny: (To crowd) Bad news… for the Amish! I give you our starting tailback: Jerry Mungo! (Jerry in his football uniform, with Rachel as a cheerleading, make their way on stage while Eric and Jack yell “Jerry’s playing!” Over and over again. The crowd goes nuts.) Eric: (Angrily) Jerry’s playing! (Walks over to Feeny on the side) Mr. Feeny, how could he pass, he dumber than me, how could he pass?! Jack: Feeny. (Through gritted teeth) What happened?! Feeny: (Points to Eric) He happened! Jack & Eric: Huh? Feeny: That last thing you said to me in my office made me think. Jack: (thr*at to Eric, makes fists) You had to go back in there… Eric: (Meagerly) Don’t hate me… Feeny: Was I so focused on academia, that I forgot about school spirit? Jack & Eric: No! No no no no no no no no! Feeny: Yes! So I took on the ultimate challenge. Could I take somebody actually dumber than you, (points to Eric) and in only 24 hours raise him to his highest possible level? Eric: (In angry disbelief) And you did?! Feeny: (Takes a paper from his jacket and shoves it to Jack and Eric) Sixty-five, baby! (Upon seeing the paper, Jack struggles to breathe and Eric mutters something incoherent) Come on, boys. Let’s go kick some Amish butt, huh? (Pats Eric’s arm as he walks away) Jack: You k*lled us, genious. (Walks away) Eric: (Follows Jack, stopping him) No, no, Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack! No, no, no, no, no, listen to me! (Explaining carefully) Bookies take so many bets they’re probably not even thinking about ours. Jack: (flashes an ersatz smile) Yeah, you’re probably right. (Gives thumbs up) Eric: (As two thugs in black enter from behind him, he smiles widely and shakes his head) I’m not right, like , at all, am I? Jack: (Weeping) No, no, no…Eric: (Turns to the thugs) Hello, two very large men! I don’t believe we’ve had the pleasure. (Holds out his hand to shake) Thug 1: Danny sent us. (Jack hangs his head) See, the bookies had a little convention, and you two were voted most likely to lose and run like the wind. Eric: (Still watching the thugs) Did you see that Jack? They’re not here to hurt us. They want to give us a plaque! Jack: (Raspy) …run! (They run into the crowd. Thug 1 points and Thug 2 follows then, with Thug 1 behind him) [Cut to Topanga, searching through the crowd. She finds the penguin mascot dancing, and gently touches his shoulder. He turns to look at her] Topanga: Don’t say anything. Just hold me. (Hugs the penguin. His hand, covered by the wing of the outfit, gently slides down her back to her butt cheek. Suddenly, Cory is in the doorway and Topanga sees him) (Outraged) Hey! (Punches the penguin, who folds like tissue paper) (To Cory) Why aren’t you the penguin? Cory: (Walks over) I fell on the tubas. (Shrugs) I tore cartilage doing the igloo dance. I mean, you were right, Topanga, I… I made a terrible penguin. I mean, nobody knows me better than you do. Topanga: Nobody knows me better than you. Cory: But it doesn’t matter, right? Topanga: You mean everything to me. Cory: Because you and I, we’re never gonna be together again. Topanga: I wanna be with you forever. Cory: But it’s okay. Y’know, I’ve accepted it. I’m ready to move on. Topanga: I love you. I want to be your wife. Cory: (Takes her hand) So I guess you and I are officially over. Goodbye, Topanga. (Tries to step away, but Topanga intentionally steps on his foot so they both fall down at the feet of the crowd, her on top of him) Ah-ow! Ah! (Once they’ve fallen) This is new. Topanga: (Moves to her side, so she’s simply leaning on him instead of laying on him) Cory, if something bad happens to us someday, it could never change what we have now. What we’ve always had, because you’re right, Cory. Love is real, and we have to do everything we can to keep it alive. Cory: Well, you really haven’t been doing that, dear. Topanga: What can I do to make it up to you? Cory: You could move your knee. Topanga: (Shrugs and smiles sheepishly) Sorry. Wherever life takes us, I want it to be with you. Forever. Or until tomorrow. (They being to kiss passionately) [Cut back to the stage, where Rachel is revving up with crowd with a megaphone] Rachel: (To crowd) It’s time to stick it to the Amish! (Pumps pom-pom in the air) (The whole crowd cheers, then begins to file out with the cheerleaders, football players, and the band. As the room empties, we see Cory and Topanga making out on the floor, while Shawn and Angela make out in their chair. People are nonchalantly stepping over Cory and Topanga to exit. Finally, the room empties, leaving Cory & Topanga, Shawn & Angela, and confetti and whatnot all over the floor.) [TAG – Inside an Amish horse-drawn buggy, presumably somewhere amongst the Pennsylvania Dutch. Eric and Jack are driving it, sporting outfits and facial hair befitting of their setting.] Jack: (As horses stop) Whoa! (To his buddy, scolding) Eric, you’ve got to stop groping the women when they’re churning butter. Eric: But I love dairy. And I think I’m falling hard for Anna Neuindike. Tried to talk to her but she shunned me. Jack: She h*t you with a rake. Eric: Her brothers pummeled me. How long do you think we have to hang out here? Jack: Forty, fifty years. Everybody should be d*ad. Eric: Y’know something, Jack, maybe it’s not such a bad thing. I mean, nobody here knows who I am. It’s a fresh start. Maybe if I don’t screw up, I could have a good life here. Jack: (Gesturing off screen) Hey, isn’t that that girl you were just talking about? Eric: Oh, yes. (Shouting off screen) Anna Neuindike! I wish to make out with thee! (A pitchfork flies by, and Eric catches it in midair) (Amazed) See the arm on her? Jack: (Freaked out) They’re chuckin’ pitchforks! Let’s go! (Urges horse onward with reigns) Eric: Alright, let’s go, let’s go. (Shouting out) I thought you were a peaceful people!

{"type": "series", "show": "Boy Meets World", "episode": "07x04 - No Such Thing as a Sure Thing"}

foreverdreaming

Opening Credits [SCENE – The interview. In an interview style, Cory and Shawn address the audience in front of a black background.] Topanga: (She and Cory look at teach other, then into the camera) We’ve come to you because we have a very big problem. Cory: And who better to come to than you? Topanga: We had no idea planning a wedding was gonna be so difficult. Cory: It’s like riding a pogo stick in a mind field. Boom! Boing… Boom! Boing… [Cut to Topanga, Angela, and Rachel’s apartment. Topanga is sitting on the couch reading “Tomorrow’s Bride,” tapping her fingers impatiently] Topanga: (Shuts magazine) (Calling out) Come on, what’s taking you guys so long? (Pause) (While clapping hands) Come on, come on, come on, come on!! (Enter Angela in a hideous pink, little-bo-peep dress. Followed by Rachel in an identical one. Neither looks very happy, and their body language shows it. They walk to the front of the kitchen and stop to show Topanga. Angela sighs.) Topanga: (Tearing up) Those are the most beautiful dresses... I have ever seen. Rachel: (Looks to Angela despairingly) Oh, no… Angela: Topanga, do you think maybe you’re a little too emotional to make the right decision about this? (gestures to the dresses) Topanga: Those are the most beautiful dresses I’ve… Angela: (Interrupting) Okay, okay, alright… Topanga: Where’s Morgan? I want to see how beautiful my future sister looks. Rachel: (Calling) Hey Morgan! Come on out! (Sarcastically) Share the joy! (Morgan enters in another one of the hideous dresses, but stops at the railing above Topanga) Morgan: (To Topanga) What are you, psycho? (Walks over next to Angela & Rachel) Topanga: (In awe) Morgan! You look so beautiful! Morgan: (Stepping forward) We look like clowns! Angela: (Pleading) Beautiful clowns! Rachel: Cirque du Soleil clowns. Morgan: (Turns to Rachel & Angela) No, horn-honking, big-shoe-wearing clowns! Rachel: (Quietly, slightly shaking head, as though asking to stop) Honey… Morgan: (Pointing) Shut up. (Steps between Angela and Rachel, then turns to Topanga and points) I ain’t wearin’ it. (Crosses arms) [Cut back to “the interview”] Topanga: Okay. So, you know, there’s a little controversy over the bridesmaids’ dresses. But I really thought that if I just expressed my feelings everyone would understand. (Smiles and shrugs, turns to Cory) [Cut back to Rachel, Angela, and Topanga’s apartment. Topanga is now twirling a parasol daintily in front of her] Topanga: (To camera) See? They come with parasols! (Picks up two more, hands them out) And the best part is that after the wedding, you guys are obviously gonna want to wear these dresses over and over again. (Grins) Morgan: (Angrily) Ugghhhh!! (Slips off dress, she is wearing undergarments beneath) (Kicks the dress, begins hitting it with the parasol) Die, dress! DIE! (Her hat falls off) DIE! DIE!! (Angela and Rachel attempt to detain her) Angela: Oh, God! Okay, honey! Rachel: It’s d*ad! It’s d*ad! Angela: It can’t hurt you anymore! (Holds out her arm to block Morgan) (Her and Rachel look up to Topanga and step towards her) Okay, sweetie. Hey, how ya doing? Good? You good? You okay? Okay, well, about these lovely, lovely dresses. Rachel: Maybe it’s possible… Angela: …that we are not… Rachel: …lovely enough… Angela: …for them. Topanga: (Crossed arms) Just cut the crap. At least Morgan was honest. Well that’s it. (Throws arms in the air, steps away) If you guys can’t put on these dresses and get caught up in the magic of my southern belle wedding then… (Teary southern accent) Who needs y’all? (Looks away) Morgan: You’re from Philadelphia, stupid! Cory: (Voiceover) A southern belle wedding? [Cut to “the interview”] Cory: (Scratches the back of his head, to Topanga) When, uh, when did we decide on that? Topanga: Every wedding has to have a theme, Cory. Cory: For what reason, my darling? Topanga: Because it does. Cory: For what reason, my darling? Topanga: (Excitedly) I want ours to be “Gone with the Wind”. (Smiles and shrugs elatedly) Cory: (Takes his arm from around Topanga’s shoulders) Frankly, my dear, that’s not the theme I want. Topanga: Really? What’s yours? Cory: (Shrugs) “Have a nosh with Cory and Topanga”! Topanga: (To camera) Do you see what I’m dealing with here? Plus, we have a guest list of 270. Cory: And a hall that seats 80. Topanga: But we’re not panicking because we know a lot of people won’t show. Cory: And many of the old people have shrunk. (Topanga looks at Cory with horror) (Sadly) I miss Grandpa Poppy. Topanga: (Reassuringly) We all do, honey. Cory: (Sadly) No one should die in prison! Topanga: (To camera) See, while everyone else may be going crazy over this wedding, we at least have been keeping it together. (Smiles and looks to Cory, who is obviously trying his best not to cry.) [SCENE – Student Union. Cory and Topanga are sitting next to each other on the couch. Cory reads the paper, while Topanga talks to him.] Topanga: For our honeymoon… Cory: (Quickly shuts paper) Honeymoo-oon! Topanga: I was thinking we could go trekking in Peru, scuba-diving in the Caribbean, or river rafting down the Colorado. Cory: (Chuckling, waving his hand) It’s not necessary. Topanga: Cory, I’ve made a ton of suggestions and you don’t like any of them. Cory: Well, that’s because you haven’t mentioned the one place that I wanna go. Topanga: (Eagerly, leans in) Where’s that? Cory: You know… (Nods suggestively) Topanga: (Scolding) Cory! Cory: I want it. Topanga: Cory, I’m beginning to think this wedding is just a prelude to sex for you. Cory: (Sarcastically) That’s brilliant, Sherlock! Topanga: Oh, so you’re just marrying me so we can consummate our relationship? Cory: Me and 900 million other guys! Topanga: Cory, I’m beginning to think you’d be fine if we just spent our honeymoon in any old hotel! Cory: (Arms in the air, like “whatever…”) Or in the road… Topanga: (Disgusted) Cory, that’s sick! (Stands) Cory: (Stands) That’s sick? I’m sick?! (To room) You know what’s sick, everyone? (Paces around the couch) We have been in a relationship for seventeen years, and do you know what I’ve gotten in all that time?! (Turns to Topanga) LET ME TOUCH SOMETHING!! [Quick cut to “the interview,” Cory’s hand is on his cheek, he gently slaps his face as though to say “Look what I’ve done…”, then cut back to the scene.] Cory: (Steps forward to Topanga) Do you understand that you owe me? Topanga: (Giving in) Yes. Cory: Do you intend to pay me? Topanga: (Nods) Yes. Cory: In the road? Topanga: (Agreeably) Yes, in the road. Cory: (Less demanding) And you’ll call me Don Francisco? (Subtly, nods hopefully) Topanga: (Restrains laughter, smiles) Yes. Cory: Yes, who? Topanga: (Smiling broadly) Yes… Don Francisco. Cory: Alright, I’ll marry ya! (Kisses her exaggeratedly with a “Mwah!” then runs off. Topanga sits, smiling, reflecting on what just happened, then shaking her head.) [SCENE – “The interview”] Cory: (To camera) But see, that was only the beginning. Topanga: Yes, planning the wedding got a lot worse. Cory: Because the next thing I had to do was pick a best man. (Topanga nods) Now obviously, the choice came down to my brother or my best friend. [Cut to Shawn & Cory’s dorm room. Shawn is sitting on his bed, sifting through some papers. Cory reads in his bed.] Shawn: Hey, Cor, listen, as far as the wedding goes, I’m sure you’re under a lot of pressure about the whole best man situation. (Stands, steps towards Cory) Cory: Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that. Shawn: I think you should pick Eric. It’s the right thing to do. [Cut back to “the interview”. Cory is leaning in to the camera.] Cory: My best friend. My absolute best friend who I love… Topanga: (Rubs Cory’s back) Cory, we get it, move on with it. Cory: (looks back to Topanga, then into the camera again) My point is he’s the greatest guy there is! [Cut back to Cory & Shawn’s dorm. Now, Cory is standing] Cory: You’re the greatest guy there is. Shawn: Hey, it’s no big deal. I understand completely. He’s family. He’s blood. He’s your brother. (Sits on Cory’s bed) No bond is more sacred than that. Cory: (Sits next to Shawn, exhales) You know he’s gonna drop the rings down the minister’s pants. Shawn: And dive right in after them. Cory: With both hands. Causing the minister to freak. Shawn: And cough. Cory: (Smiling) And cough. And they’ll knock over the candles and set the entire church on f*re. Shawn: And here comes the f*re department with their hoses and axes, chopping up everything in sight. And Topanga’s gonna blame… Cory: (Looks up in realization) Me. And I don’t get nothin’ on the honeymoo-oon! (Looks devastated) (Looks at Shawn) Shawn, give me one good reason I should pick Eric as the best man. [Cut to later. Now, Eric is in the room, not Shawn.] Eric: Because I’m bigger than he is, and stronger (Flexes muscles) than he is. Cory: (Pause) So? Eric: (Increasing excitement) “So?” “So?” So don’t you want somebody who’s strong enough to lift you up for the traditional “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow” dance? Cory: I’ve actually never heard of the “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow” dance. Eric: Oh, here, I’ll show you. Cory: No, I’d prefer you didn’t. Eric: No, well you’re gonna! (Bend down to pick up Cory) Cory: No Eric, I… Eric, I– (Eric picks him up) (manically) YOU’RE GONNA KNOCK DOWN THE CANDLES!! (He does, and the curtain catches f*re, the f*re alarm goes off) Eric: (His back to the f*re) Hee-hee! (Singing) For he’s a jolly good fellow! For he’s a jolly good fellow! Cory: (Staring at the f*re as Eric bounces him on his shoulder) Oh my god. Oh my god, look, it’s happening! (Angrily) Eric, look what you did! ERIC!! Eric: (Puts down Cory, turns to face the f*re. Laughs) (Singing to same tune as before) The curtain’s on f*re, the curtain’s on f*re. (The door gets chopped in by firemen. Cory yells) (Still singing with that tune) They’re chopping up the dorm room! They’re chopping down the up room! Cory: (Singing in tune) MY BROTHER IS A MOR-ONN!! (Firemen enter, destroying the place in an attempt to put out the f*re) Eric: (Singing in tune) Which nobody can deny! (Does robot dance move, laughs. Cory tackles him onto the bed in anger) [SCENE – “The interview”] Cory: (Leaning into camera, with force) And that’s why Shawn’s my best man, and Shawn’s my best man, and I don’t want to hear anything from anybody! (Leans back tiredly) (Exhaling) Hooo… (To Topanga) You talk now, I got, like, a rip here in my pancreas. (Clutches side) Topanga: (Massaging Cory’s shoulders, to the camera) He’s always so tense, I don’t know why that is. Cory: (Accusingly) No, but you know where the shoe department is. Topanga: (Stops the massage) Can we please talk about something positive? Cory: What was positive? Topanga: Well, how about those talk you had with your father? How proud he is of his little man. Cory: (To camera) Yeah, Dad and I had some talks, alright. [Cut to the Matthews’ living room. Alan is on the couch, Cory stands nearby. Eric sits in the opposite easy chair] Alan: (Enraged) You chose Shawn as your best man? Over your own flesh and blood? (Looks away) You’re d*ad to me… Amy: (Entering from upstairs) What did I just hear? Cory: “You’re d*ad to me”! Your husband just said that to your own son. Amy: Alan! Cory: (To Alan) Do you have any idea how scarring that is? Amy: (As if asking why) Alan! Alan: (Sternly) He chose Shawn as his best man. Amy: (To Cory) You scum. (Sits) Alan: (Pats couch) Sit down. Eric: Yeah, sit down, scum! Alan: (Cory sits) Let me tell you what happens in this family. Your mother and I met, and we fell in love, and we got married. And from that love we had a son. (Eric pops between Amy and Alan from behind the couch, then kisses Alan’s cheek then Amy’s and smiles broadly) And we were a family: your mother, me, and Eric. Eric: (Rests cheek on Amy’s shoulder) And yet there was a void. Alan: Eric, more than anything else wanted a baby brother. More than anything else. Eric: (Emotionally) I love you, Cory… Alan: And we had you, Cory. And Eric had a brother. And the two of you could go through the world together Amy: Looking out for each other, taking care of each other. Alan: Putting each other first. Eric: (Fake) That’s all I wanted. Alan: Now we haven’t asked much from you. Eric: But they’re gonna ask something now. Alan: It’s your decision, but if it means anything to you, we would like your brother to be your best man. Cory: (Pause) Yeah, fine. Good. Whatever you want. Eric: (Stands) (Celebratory) Yeah!! (Struts towards Cory) Eric Matthews: best man. I accept, my brother! (playfully hits Cory’s shoulder. Know something? (Sits on the couch arm) Kinds knew that was gonna happen, had a little feeling, so (take a sparkler from his breast pocket) I think this calls for a little celebration. (Lights the sparkler) Cory: (To Alan and Amy) Watch this. Eric: (The sparkler is lit, staring into it) This is the eternal flame of the love of the Matthews… HOT!! (Throws the sparkler behind him, sucks on his supposedly burnt fingers. The back of the room erupts into flames, and everyone is freaking out, scared, except Eric, who is only concerned with his fingers. [Cut back to “the interview”, Cory once again slaps his cheek. Topanga shrugs. Cut back to the Matthews’ living room. The f*re alarm is going off, with firemen destroying the room in an attempt to stop the f*re. Cory sits on the couch, Alan and Amy, terrified, stand behind it. Eric is sitting on the couch’s arm with a dopey, ignorant smile on his face.] Alan: (Yelling to Cory) He’s out! Shawn’s in! Amy: (Yelling) Somebody save the baby! (Runs upstairs) Somebody save the baby! (Exits upstairs with Alan behind her) Eric: (Blissfully and ignorantly happy) Sparklers are fun. (Cory tackles Eric off the couch. The frame freezes with the two in midair) [Cut back to “the interview”] Cory: So, anyway, I have my best man and I’m very happy. Topanga: I’m not. Cory: (Quickly) Yes, but I am. (He and Topanga look at each other) And I am Don Francisco. Topanga: (To camera) I mean, I know it was supposed to be an honor and everything… [Cut to Topanga, Angela, and Rachel’s apartment. Amy is on the couch reading “Tomorrow’s Bride” with Morgan sitting nearby in her hideous bridesmaids’ gown.] Topanga: (Voiceover, continued line) …but, come on! Amy: (Calling) Come on, what’s taking you so long? (Waits a second) (Quickly, impatiently) Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!!! (Enter Topanga in a wedding gown possibly uglier than the bridesmaids’ dresses. It’s a dingy-looking, off-white dress with a foot-fight thingy on the top of Topanga’s hair. Topanga looks quite unhappy as she walks to the front of the kitchen to present to Amy) Amy: (Happily) Oh, (stands) will you look at that? My wedding dress fits you perfectly! (Topanga nearly gags, looks to Morgan, who has an enormous smile) [Cut back to “the interview”] Topanga: I mean, I don’t wanna offend anyone. And my family’s feeling are the most important thing to me. (To Cory) But if she thought I was going to get married in that freaking monstrosity, she must’ve been hitting the sauce! Cory: (Pause) Very nice. [Cut back to Topanga’s apartment, continued from earlier] Amy: I want to know that this gown has been in my family since the Civil w*r. Topanga: (Less than enthused) Musty little devil, ain’t it? Amy: (Steps forward, begins playing with the dress’s shoulder) Every woman in my family history that has worn this dress has had a long and healthy life. In fact, except for the engagement ring, which I already gave to you, (briefly, leans into Topanga lovingly and smiles) there is no more important possession that I own. So, please, do me the honor of being married in it. (Hugs her from behind, kisses her cheek. Topanga looks nervous) Topanga: (Worried) Oh… Poo. Morgan: (Stands) (Lying) That is the mostly beautiful dress I’ve ever seen. (Covers her mouth as though she’s about to cry) Amy: Oh, you’re happy for you’re new sister, that is so sweet. Morgan: Yup, I think she deserves that dress. Topanga: (Pause) (Abruptly, roughly) Bite me!! [Cut back to “the interview”] Topanga: I don’t know… I just lashed out. It was as if I was possessed by the ghost of your Nana Booboo. Cory: (Suddenly crying) Nana Booboo! I miss you! (Suddenly not crying, to Topanga) Is Nana Booboo d*ad? Topanga: No. Cory: No. And so it was at this crucial point of the chaos that is our wedding that we finally decided to regain control and call in… (he and Topanga lean forward) a professional. [SCENE – Wedding call. Judy Habberfeld, the wedding planner, is standing in the doorway interlocked with Cory on one arm and Topanga on the other. NOTE: Throughout the scene, Judy speaks with an English accent] Judy: When Judy Habberfeld plans your wedding, Judy Habberfeld is there for you. (Steps into the room) From guest list, to guest last, (Giggles) first dance to grand finale (lets go of Cory & Topanga) there is no detail to small for Judy Habberfeld. (The three circle around a table nicely set up, as an example) Topanga: We’ve heard wonderful things about you, Miss Habberfeld. Judy: (Appreciatively) Aww… Please, call me Judy Habberfeld. (Enter Alan and Amy, somewhat rushed) Amy: Hi, I’m so sorry we’re late. Alan: Yeah, I hope we didn’t miss any of the planning. But you couldn’t be too far in because my wallet doesn’t feel any lighter. (Him and Amy laugh) Hey-O!! Judy: (Decreasing laughter) Oh, alright. Well, that’s enough. Um, about the guest list, I understand this hall seats eighty, but I can’t possibly fit more than sixty-five with the theme out bride has in mind. Topanga: But we invited 270. Judy: (Laughs) All right, now, I understand that the father of the groom has agreed to pay for the beverages and the music, and with the budget you have allowed me, I have assembled your musical… (searches for the word) choices over there. (Gestures across the room) (The camera cuts to the other side of the room, where, on a stage, an ensemble of “musicians” has gathered. Among them are a man dresses as a butler taking a swig from a flask, two horrible Elvis impersonators standing over a xylophone, a white guy wearing an odd mariachi outfit and sunglasses, a guy next to him in a gray suit with a guitar and a harmonica, and woman in a sequined shirt with an enormous drum, and a DJ with giant blue pants and a cigarette standing over a keyboard. Needless to say, they are a pitiful bunch. A hip-hop b*at beings sounding) Cory: (To the bunch, amused) Is business a little slow, boys? The Bunch: (Nodding) Yeah… Alan: (Leans close to Cory) Don’t worry, Cor, I gotcha covered. (Shouting) Hey-O!! Come on in! (Waves pointed fingers into the room) (Enter Feeny wearing a snappy suit and hat to match. As he enters, he places a jazzy tune on his trumpet) Feeny: (Finishes the tune, wipes his mouth) Oh, yeah! (Laughs) (Cory and Topanga have ridiculously fake smiles plastered on their faces) [Cut back to “the interview”. Cory and Topanga hold smiles throughout the scene, even as they talk through gritted teeth.] Cory: Do you have any idea how hard it is… Topanga: …to keep a smile on your face… Cory: …under these circumstances? [Cut back to the wedding hall, with Cory & Topanga’s fake smiles] Alan: Isn’t it wonderful, Cory? (puts his arm around Feeny) George and his jazz group have agreed to be the band at your reception… for free! (Pats Feeny’s shoulder happily) Feeny: Consider it my present to the bride and groom. Cory: (Still with that fake smile) A blender would’ve been just lovely. (Topanga nods in agreement) Alan: Now if I can just figure out how to water down the drinks, I could get out of the whole thing for about seventy bucks! (Rubs hands together excitedly) Judy: (As Feeny puts down his trumpet, she approaches from behind) (seductively) Georgie… (Feeny looks terrified) Georgie Feeny is that yoooooou? Feeny: (To self) Oh, please, no. Judy: Georgie, it’s me, Judy… Habberfeld… Judy Habberfeld! Feeny: (Quickly turns to face Judy) (Mock happiness) Judy! (Throws arms in the air) Judy: Habberfeld! Feeny: (Quietly laughing uncomfortably) You know, I was gonna call! (Points) I was, b-b-but I… uh, moved. Out of state. Mission for the, uh, government. Espionage. All very hush-hush. (Waves hand around) (Pause, makes a telephone-like sound) (Talking into his watch) Whaddya got for me, chief? (Holds watch to ear, nods exaggeratedly) North Korea, damn. (Into watch) I’ll be right there. (Running exit) Judy: (Turns to the Matthews family) Do you know, they all do that. Every stinking one of them. (Suddenly happy) But! I plow on… (Enter Shawn) Shawn: Hey! Feeny just jumped over a wall and landed in the pool. Judy: (Gesturing to Shawn) Really, who is this person? I’m Judy Habberfeld. Shawn: (Looking at Judy, addressing the room) Yeah, that’s the name he was screaming. (Turns to Cory & Topanga) What’s up, guys? Cory: I don’t know, we’re overbooked by a thousand, Dad’s trying to save money by using Feeny as the band, and Topanga’s left eye is beginning to twitch. (Lo and behold, it has) Topanga: (Eye twitching) Is not! (Looks away ashamedly) Shawn: Well, Topanga, have I got a surprise for you. Topanga: Please… no… Shawn: (Turns to the door) Ladies! Front and center! (Claps three times) Let’s go, come on! (Enter Rachel, then Angela, then Morgan all dresses in Topanga’s hideous bridesmaids’ dresses) Shawn: (Impressed) Ah? Ha, ha, ha? (To the girls) Okay, who wants to go first? Rachel: (Steps forward with a cheesy smile) (Obviously reciting lines) I totally love my bridesmaid’s dress. (Pause, as though she said it wrong) I totally love my bridesmaid’s dress. (Topanga’s eye is twitching even worse) (Steps back, almost trips) Angela: (Steps forward) (Better than Rachel, but still as though reciting lines) I feel like a delicate Georgia peach in this dress and I am thrilled to wear it. Thank you. (Steps back) Morgan: (Steps forward) (Acting, just like Rachel and Angela) I was very selfish and inconsiderate yesterday. This is your wedding and I’m gonna tell you the truth. (Looks back to Shawn, who smiles and nods her one) (Suddenly very hurtful and serious, if not angry) You’re friends are stinking liars, Shawn paid them fifty bucks each, and I would use this dress to wipe my…! (Alan interrupts her but grabbing her and covering her mouth with his hand. He then drags her out, trying to laugh to mask the situation) (Enter Eric, covered in a huge black cloak, with Jack, who is dressed normally, but looks distraught. Spanish music plays with their entrance.) Eric: Hello, everyone. Jack: (To Eric) Okay, don’t do this. Look at me, I’m beggin’ ya. Eric: Quiet, half-breed! (Steps forward, Jack shakes then hangs his head) There are some people in this room who shall remain nameless – Cory and mommy and daddy! – that don’t think I’m best man material. Well, I’m sorry I have to do this, Cory. (Topanga’s twitching has worsened more) Jack: (To Eric) Rethink this, alright? It’s a bad move! Eric: (A jibberish word) Haspessa!! (Holds hand to Jack’s face to shut him up) You know something, Topanga? (Unties cloak neck) If I can’t be the best man, then I’m gonna be the groom. (Throws back the cloak, revealing a yellow silk robe with black lapels a la Hugh Hefner. It’s quite tacky. However, Eric tries to make a sexy pose) (Topanga’s left eye has now shut, and her right eye is twitching) Topanga, I love you. I’ve always loved you. Ever since I saw you through that peephole in the bathroom… (Topanga’s face is…. Indescribable) And I know how you’ve secretly longed for me, as well! So, Topanga, let’s just drop the cherod! (that word was “charade”) (Takes a yellow silk handkerchief from his breast pocket, quickly swipes the floor beneath him with it, and kneels, holding out his hand) Topanga, marry me and let’s make nik-nik! Cory: (To Topanga, embarrassed beyond words) Get him… Topanga: (Yelling) AAAHHHHHHH!!! (Dives at Eric to att*ck him. The frame freezes with Topanga in midair) Topanga: (Voiceover) So I’m afraid that all of our horrible experiences have brought us here. [Cut back to “the interview”] Cory: We knew that planning a wedding was gonna be tough. But I don’t think any of us are gonna survive this engagement. Topanga: There’s no way we’re gonna make it until June. There’s just no way. (Left eye twitches) I’d do something very bad to Eric. I will… Cory: (Turns to Topanga, who’s eye is still twitching) Topanga… Topanga: I know! I’m twitching. (Looks at him) Back off. (To camera, no more twitching) Please, we’re asking you to understand. This wedding is the most important day of our lives. Cory: But you people have turned this sacred, beautiful event into a freak show. Topanga: We all mean well, we just don’t think we’re gonna be able to survive and eight-month engagement. Feeny: (Voiceover) One question… [Cut to the Matthews’ living room. It turns out “the interview” had been Cory & Topanga talking to their family and friends from the couch the whole time. Feeny sits in the easy chair with Eric and Morgan on the couch. Amy, Alan, Jack, Rachel, Shawn, and Angela all stand above them. Morgan, Angela, and Rachel are in the horrid bridesmaids’ dresses] Feeny: (Continued line) You’re gonna go through with it this time, aren’t you? (Topanga and Cory look at each other with smiles, adoringly. Cut to black)

{"type": "series", "show": "Boy Meets World", "episode": "07x06 - They're k*lling Us"}

foreverdreaming

Opening Sequence [SCENE – Topanga, Rachel, and Angela’s apartment. Rachel, Angela and Rhiannon are getting Topanga reading for her wedding. Rachel does Topanga’s nails on one hand, Angela on the other, and Rhiannon does her hair.] Rhiannon: (Brushing) You’re gonna be a beautiful bride, Topanga. Topanga: Thanks, Mom. I just want everything to be so perfect for Cory. I love him so much. This whole day is just full of love! (Enter Shawn, carrying a bag, grumpily) Shawn: (Furiously) I hate him. (Slams door, trudges towards the counter) He’s a self-centered whining, demanding, (throws bag on counter) miserable little white boy. Angela: What happened, my brother? Shawn: (Angrily) “Get the tuxedos!” “Pumice my toes!” “Tie the cans to the car!” I’m his best man, not his hamster! Topanga: But you got the tuxes, right? Shawn: You two deserve each other. (Paces towards couch, Angela follows) Angela: Um, Shawn, what is really bothering you? Shawn: (With Angela, sits) Cory is really bothering me! I don’t know what I ever saw in him. Topanga: (Grinning to mask anger) Shawn… (giggles) See, (sits on couch arm) this is my wedding day and I would really appreciate it if there wasn’t any tension. (Strokes Shawn’s hair) Shawn: I don’t care. If somebody abuses me, I lash out. Topanga (Suddenly choking Shawn, but still smiling. Stands him up) Nobody’s abusing anybody! (Slowly moves him into the door) This is my wedding day! How dare you… (Pins him against the door) Shawn: (Grunts) (Being choked) Can somebody help me out here? Topanga: (Still choking and smiling) No, see, the best man cannot hate the groom. (Hits his head against the door twice) Now you’re gonna ruin my wedding pictures. (Shawn is in severe pain) Rhiannon: (Approaches the fray) Honey, you’re k*lling him. Shawn: (Raspy, due to lack of hair) (Looking up) Dad… I’m coming Dad… (Rhiannon tries to pry Topanga off of him) Angela: (Smiling, to make light of the scenario) Topanga, if he dies, then the best man is Eric. Topanga: (Chill choking, briskly shakes head) Then we don’t want him to die. Angela: No, no we don’t. Topanga: (Lets go) You okay? Okay, good boy. (Strokes his hair insincerely) Shawn: (Sinks down the door, energy drained. Angela squats next to him) (To Angela) They’re both psycho. Topanga: (To Shawn) How can there be anything wrong between you and Cory? You love him more than I do. (Rhiannon looks at her, stunned) (To Rhiannon) It’s true, but I’m okay with it. (Walks away, with Rhiannon, leaving Angela & Shawn alone at the door) Angela: (On the couch) What’s going on? Shawn: (Still leaning on the door) Our entire friendship has always been about him! How does Cory feel? What is Cory thinking? (Rubs neck) Angela: Come on, Shawn, what’s this really about? Shawn: (Thinks) You know, (stands) you’d think on his wedding day he’d realize how hard this is for me. (Exits) [SCENE – The Matthews’ living room. Everything is cleared out to make room for tons of folding white chairs for the ceremony. Feeny is there, as are Amy and Alan, who is moving flowers. Cory enters, slightly panicked, with Eric in tail] Cory: Where’s my best man? Alan: (Lugging a huge vase of lots of flowers) Don’t know! Eric: Shoulda picked me! Cory: (Ignoring Eric) Wait a minute, he’s not here yet? Eric: Shoulda picked me! Cory: (Ignoring Eric, to room) What’s his problem? I’m getting married in four hours! Eric: Okay, I think it’s time for the older brother to give the younger brother the pre-wedding sex talk, okay? Feeny: (Sarcastically) Oh, goody… Cory: (Being sat in a chair by Eric) You? I’m getting advice from you? Eric: (Pointing to Amy) Take notes, Mommy! Eric Matthews is giving lessons in human boinging. (Amy sighs, putting her face in her palm) Alan: (Upset) Oh, no no no no no… Eric: (To Cory, seriously) Alright, lesson one: Sex without love is empty and hollow. (Suddenly jokingly) And that’s just the way we men like it! Huh? (Puts his arm around Alan) (The whole room looks displeased, especially Alan who, unsure of how to react, motions as though he should h*t Eric) Feeny: Eric, you’re completely missing the beauty of human sexuality. It’s not just a physical act, it’s the intimacy between two people sharing their souls. Eric: Maybe for old people! Feeny: (Giving up) You know, you’re all crazy! (Exits) Cory: (Stands, worried) I can’t believe Shawn. I can’t believe he’s not here yet. I mean, what is so hard about remembering the tuxedos, the wedding cake, and the rings! Eric: (Leaning into Cory’s ear from behind) f*re Shawn, you know you want to… (Cory raises his hand in front of Eric’s face, who switches to the other ear) Come on, give me the job, I’m your brother, we both came out of our Daddy’s womb! Amy: (Ignoring Eric, who walks away) Cory, you and Shawn are best friends and you’re going to stay best friends. Cory: Are we? Amy: What? Cory: (Frustrated) Because where is my best friend with the tuxedos? (Hurriedly walks towards the door) Why is my best friend trying to sabotage my wedding day? Shawn: (Enters, quickly, with a shopping back and a cake box in hand) Oh, now I’m sabotaging your wedding day? Cory: Where’re the tuxedos? Shawn: I don’t have them yet. Cory: What do you mean you don’t have them yet? Shawn: (Agitated) I’ve been outside tying tin cans to the Volvo for the last hour, my fingers are bleeding! (Holds up fingers) Cory: (Pause) We don’t have a Volvo. Shawn: What? Cory: We don’t have a Volvo, we have a Chevy. Shawn: Well who has a Volvo? Feeny: (Enters from kitchen with several tin cans on a string) Who’s been tying tin cans to my car? Cory: (Points to Shawn) He did. (Takes the can from Feeny) Shawn: (Rubs forehead) This is too much pressure… Cory: Shawn, what’s the matter buddy? I mean, you’re really letting me down, here. Shawn: Cory, has it occurred to you even a little bit that as far as you and me go, today is the last day that we’re ever gonna be… Cory and Shawn? You know? Shawn and Cory? Cory: (Speechless, looks around. Eyes the can label) Beans? (Holds up cans) You picked beans? Shawn: What’s the matter with beans? Cory: Beans are not a wedding can! Shawn: Why not? Cory: Because beans do not say eternal love and happiness! Eric: (Interjecting from the easy chair) I know what they say! Shawn: (Ignoring Eric) Cory, (Puts his hand son Cory’s shoulders) I’m trying to talk to you about something. Cory: (Knocks away Shawn’s arms, dropping cans) I don’t wanna talk about it now. Shawn: Why not? Cory: Did you pick up the honeymoon tickets from the travel agent? Shawn: What’s the matter with you? Alan: (Interjecting, try to cool things off) Hey, hey, guys… Cory: (Stopping Alan) No, no, no, no. Dad, please! (Looks at Shawn) I just want a guy who can pick up the tuxedos and tie some cans together! Shawn: (Forcefully) I just want to talk to you about this. Cory: (Erupting) Shawn, I just wanna competent best man! Shawn: (Exploding) THEN GET A NEW ONE!! (Walks towards door) Cory: What did you say? Shawn: I said get a new best man! Eric: (Freaks out, happily I guess, in his chair. Then stands) Cory, what I think we’ve got here is a best man who’s folded under the pressure. (Walks over to Cory) I’ll pick up the tuxedos, (picks up cans) I’ll tie the cans to the Subaru, it’s all taken care of. (Looks at Shawn with a gloating face, Shawn ignores him) (Exits through front) Cory: You can be an usher. Shawn: I don’t want to be an usher. Cory: Well, do you wanna walk my Nana Booboo down the aisle? Shawn: I don’t wanna walk Nana Booboo anywhere. Cory: Whaddya wanna do, Shawn? Shawn: (Not angry, simply sad) (Shrugs) I don’t wanna do anything. Cory: (Raising anger) You don’t wanna do anything at my wedding? Shawn: (Very angry again) No, I’m not going to your wedding! (Walks away) Cory: Fine!! Then don’t go!! [SCENE – Matthews’ living room. Alan, Feeny, and Cory all away the arrival of the tuxes in their undershirts, boxers, high dress socks, fancy shoes, and sock holder-uppers (I don’t know what they’re called). Amy and Morgan also wait, but they are dressed in nice black dresses, sitting in a chairs. Cory, impatiently, paces back and forth. Jack enters in identical attire] Jack: Alright, alright, alright… (To Cory) I just spoke to Shawn, and I’m sure he’ll forgive you just, you know, give him a call. Cory: (Angrily) Shawn can kiss my groom tuchas in hell! Eric: (Enters in tux) Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the best best man of all? (Cartman voice) You are, Eric. You are. Feeny: Hey, moron. Where’re the tuxedos? Eric: Oh, in the limo, baby! Alan: What limo, baby? Eric: The limo that’s taking us all to Cory’s wedding. You don’t actually think I’d let him get married in this dump, do you? Amy: Eric, what did you do? Eric: Oh, no time, Mom, we’re on a schedule. Okay, the girls are already on there way, so we gotta move, people. (Backs towards the door, stands at it and looks at the occupants of the room, expecting them to move. Alan gestures to his attire, but Eric doesn’t care) We gotta MOVE, people! (Feeny is the first to go) (As Feeny passes) Nice legs, Feeny. Cory: (To Jack, as everyone files out) You tell Shawn my new best man got me a limo. Jack: (as they exit) Before or after the groom tuchas in hell? Cory: You decide. (He and Jack exit) Alan: (The last one in the room, to Eric) Is this gonna be very, very bad? Eric: (Thinking) Mmmm… We’ll see. (Exits with Alan) [SCENE – Philadelphia Victorian Hotel ballroom. Many men and women in fancy clothes are going about, setting up a very fancy wedding. Eric enters, with Alan, Amy, Morgan, Jack, Cory, and Feeny behind him. All of them men have their tuxes on] Amy: (Looking around) Eric, this is the Philadelphia Victorian Hotel. Cory: (To Eric, impressed) Very nice! Jack: (Smiling and nodding) This is an Eric thing! (Suddenly solemn) This is an Eric thing… Alan: (To Eric) I’m not paying for this. Eric: (Steps closer to Alan) You never made any real money, did ya, Dad? Alan: No, but I had you, so I’m twice cursed. (He and Eric exchange smiles) Amy: Eric, what is the deal here? Eric: Look, the deal is this is the most important day of my little brother’s life and I came through, okay? So either you can have a great time… Or! You can be all cynical and think something fishy’s going on. Hotel Employee: (Approaches) (Speaking eloquently, to Eric) Is everything to your satisfaction, Mr. Peterman? Eric: (Turns to the employee, also speaking eloquently) Indeed it is… (turns to his family, then back to the employee) …Mr. Peterman. Hotel Employee: You let us know if you need anything, Mr. Peterman. Eric: (Smiles, makes shooing gesture with hand) Okay, go away now. Go… Go away… (The employee exits as Eric’s family encircles him) (Pause) Why ya’ll looking at me? [SCENE – Hotel room somewhere. Topanga is putting the final touches on her wedding outfit with Rachel and Angela there as well] Topanga: Do you think anything’s gonna change between us after I get married? Angela: No. Nothing’s gonna change. Just because you’re moving out and you’re setting up house and you’re gonna be with Cory all the time and maybe have kids… some day… Gosh, I am never gonna see you again, am I? (Sadly, her and Topanga hug) Topanga: (While hugging) Do you want me to call it off? Angela: (Looks Topanga squarely in the eye) I want you to be happy. Topanga: I want you to be happy, too. (Goes back to hugging) Rachel: (Hugs both of them) I want you to be happy, three! Angela: (To Topanga, excitedly) You’re getting married today!! (The three of them scream and jump up and down excitedly) [SCENE - Philadelphia Victorian Hotel, the area that has become the wedding hall. A very nice strings band is playing fancy wedding music as the priest enters and takes his place in front of Cory on the altar. He and Cory looks down the aisle, where Rachel and Jack walk down first. Jack gives a thumbs up as he and Rachel take their places next to the altar. Next come Feeny and Morgan, who take their places, followed by Eric and Angela, who also take their places among the bridesmaids and groomsmen. Finally, the flower girl and the ring bearer, a little girl and boy, come down the aisle. They stop before the altar, and the flower girl gestures for Jack to come over. He does so, cautiously] Flower Girl: (To Jack) You are very hot. (Nods) Jack: (Unsure how to react) (Whispering) Thanks. (Shows her to her place, then retakes his spot) Eric: (Steps towards the ring bearer, noticing his little pillow has no rings on it) Hey, ring boy, where are the rings? Ring bearer: That’s your job, slick. I’m just here to look cute. (Smiles and waves at the crowd adorably) Eric: (Laughing uncomfortably) It’s okay, Cory… (Gently shoves the ring bearer off screen with an increasingly angry expression. At this point, he is near Angela) Angela: You forgot the rings, didn’t you? Eric: Yes, but I remembered my underwear! (Realizes, grabs Angela’s wrist, scared) No I didn’t! (Returns to his place) (The band begins the wedding march, the crowd stands, looking at the beginning of the aisle. Topanga is at the entrance with her father, but she is staring at Cory. Cory smiles at her, she smiles right back. Topanga and her father begin moving. As they do so, Jed takes Topanga’s hand. He and Topanga stop at the altar, he holds out his other hand for Cory, and the puts their hands together after kissing Topanga’s hand.) Jed: Be good to each other. (Rhiannon looks sad, Jed sits next to her) Topanga: (To Cory) We’ve waited for the moment all our lives. What’re you thinking? Cory: (Disappointed) I can’t believe Shawn’s not here. Topanga: (Deeply emotional) I love you, too. (Cory smiles, the two approach the altar) Priest: (To room) Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the wedding of Myra and Harold. (Confused, Topanga and Cory exchange glances) Eric: (Leans in) (Briskly) Just keep going. Just keep going. (Smiles at Cory, leans away) Priest: And now a song, from the mother of the groom, Mrs. Florence Peterman. Alan: (In the audience, to Amy) I think that’s you. Amy: (Stands, walks over and stands on the same stage as the band. She blows a kiss to Cory and Topanga, then begins singing) I love you truly, truly dear… (Shawn enters and walks up to Cory at the altar in the midst of the song. Amy continues singing, but the following conversation occurs over it) Shawn: (To Cory) Hey, you’re gonna need these rings. (Holds out rings to Cory) Cory: Shawnie! I knew you’d come! (Takes the rings) Shawn: I wouldn’t miss this, Cor. Cory: Look, I am so sorry for all the stuff that happened. Shawn: Well, you should be. But, we’ll talk about it after you get back from the honeymoon, okay? Cory: (Turns back to face Amy, then to Shawn, who had g*n walking into the audience) Wait a minute, (steps towards Shawn, off the alter) what do you mean I should be? Shawn: Cory, you’ve been being a jerk to me. Cory: (Quietly angry) That’s because you’re the one who forgot the tuxedos. And you’re the one that didn’t tie the tin cans! It’s like you’re trying to sabotage my wedding day! Shawn: (Trying to remain quiet) That is ridiculous! If I wanted to sabotage your wedding day… I’d so this. (Shoves Cory back, he steps up onto the altar because of it. Topanga quickly gathers up her dress, and all attention is diverted from Amy to Cory and Shawn) Cory: (Fixing his cuffs) Boy oh boy, you, uh… You do not want to do that. (Turns away, squatting and pointing) Get him, Topanga! Shawn: (Openly angry) You know what? I shouldn’t of come here, have a nice life, jerk! Cory: You, too, trailer trash!! Eric: (Laughing) A-ha-ha!! Shawn’s poor! Ha ha ha! (Shawn snaps. Yelling, she charges Cory and the two, entangled fighting, fall to the ground.) Cory: (Yelling amidst the fray) This is my wedding day!! (Jack, Jed, and Alan do their best to separate the two, and they do by pulling them off the floor) Eric: (On the side, to the priest) You’re doing a great job, just try not to use the word “Peterman” anymore, alright? (Slaps him some money) Shawn: (Being restrained by Jed and Jack) (Yelling with rage) He doesn’t care that we’re not gonna be friends anymore!! Cory: (Being restrained by Alan) Why do you keep saying that, huh? Why do you have to keep bringing that up? Shawn: ‘Cause you won’t talk about it!! Cory: I don’t wanna talk about it! Why do you think I’ve been sending you everywhere? Shawn: We have to talk about it! Cory: (Like a child) I don’t want to… Shawn: We have to! Cory: (Breathes) …now? Shawn: (has been releases, paces towards the altar’s side) (Almost crying) Cory, after you get married, things are gonna be different. And I don’t have a lot for friends, you know? (Sits on the altar step) Cory: Shawnie, I… (Sits next to Shawn) I don’t know what’s gonna happen. What do you want me to do? Shawn: (Pause) I don’t know… (Pause, meekly) Do you really like her? Cory: (Smiles, nodding) Yeah, I really do. Shawn: You sure? Topanga: (Interjects, leaning her head between Shawn and Cory) Shawn, I really think I’ve been very tolerant. (Backs away) Shawn: Okay… (To Cory) Marry her. Cory: You giving me your blessing? Shawn: (Sadly) Yeah, well… we gotta grow up sometime. (Cory smiles) [Cut to later. Topanga and Cory are exchanging vows at the altar. Order has been restored] Topanga: I wasn’t sure this day would ever come. But you were. I wasn’t sure that love could survive everything we put it through. But you were. You were always strong and always sure. And now I know that I want you to stand beside me for the rest of my life. That’s what I’m sure of. (Camera cuts to Cory, who has his arm around Shawn across from Topanga. Both of them are looking at Topanga lovingly) Cory: (To Shawn) I have to talk to her now, okay? Shawn: Go ahead. (Backs away to the traditional best man spot) Cory: (Pats Shawn’s back) Okay… (To Topanga) Um… (Begins vows) Ever since I was young, I never really understood anything about the world. And I never understood anything that happened in my life. The only thing that ever made sense to me was you. And how I felt about you. (Topanga inhales sharply, avoiding tears) That’s all I’ve ever known. And that’s enough. That’s enough for me for the rest of my life, Topanga. (Topanga is smiling) We gonna get married? Topanga: (Nods) Yeah, we are. Cory: Good, ‘cause, um… (holds up rings) I have these rings. (Puts a ring on Topanga’s finger) I love you, Topanga. Topanga: I love you, too, Cory. (Puts a ring on Cory’s finger. Her and Cory turn to the priest and interlock arms) Priest: (To Topanga) Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband? To have and to hold, to cherish and adore, from this day forward, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live? Topanga: (Looks at Cory lovingly) I do. Priest: (To Cory) And do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? To have and to hold, to cherish and adore, from this day forward, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live? Cory: (Looks at Topanga) I do. Priest: Then by the power vested in me, by the commonwealth of Pennsylvania, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. (Topanga laughs with joy, and then she and Cory kiss) (To room) Ladies and gentlemen, family and friends, I present to you for the first time ever, Mister and Misses Harold Peterman! (Cory and Topanga look confused, the camera cuts to Jed and Rhiannon with similar reactions, then Alan and Amy) Eric: It’s okay! (Claps hands) (Cheering) Come on!! (Topanga, smiling and staring at Cory, turns his head so he too is looking at her. The whole room stands and applauds at the happy couple. Topanga and Cory, smiling greatly, hug closely) [SCENE - Philadelphia Victorian Hotel ballroom, it is the reception after the ceremony. Cory and Topanga are dancing, as are, unbelievable, Jed and Rhiannon, as well as Amy and Alan, and Rachel and a Matthews’ cousin, among others] Cousin: (To Rachel, grinning) Maybe we could go somewhere later? Rachel: (Maintaining a fake smile, to Feeny who’s sitting nearby) Mr. Feeny, help! Feeny: (Stands, to cousin) Scram, Zippy. (the cousin leaves, Feeny takes his place) [Cut over to Amy and Alan] Amy: (To Alan) This was an amazing wedding. Alan: Fabulous. Amy: How could Eric have pulled this thing off? Alan: Well, that’s the first thing I’ll ask him when visit him in Attica. (He and Amy move towards Cory and Topanga) (To Cory and Topanga) Excuse me, may we cut in? (Alan and Cory trade dance partners) Cory: (As they switch) Yes… Amy: Cory, I’m so proud of you. Cory: Thank you, Mama. Amy: And even though you’re a married man now, you’re still our little boy. And we love you very much. [Cut to Alan and Topanga] Alan: And when he makes you nuts, you call me. Topanga: Thanks… Dad. (They kiss on the cheek) Shawn: (Standing on a chair, clinks a glass to gets everyone’s attention) I’d like to propose a toast. (Everyone pays attention) This is for Harold and Myra. (Looks down to Eric) What’s up with that, Eric? Eric: Nothing, let’s just talk fast, alright? (Looks around shiftily, walks away) Shawn: (Toasting) Well, there is something I’d like to say. I may not be the best man, but I am the best friend. Cory and I have been best friends all our lives. And, um, this wedding’s been kinda hard for me because I know, no matter how much we may avoid talking about it, Cory and I aren’t gonna be best friends forever. Things are changing between us. Things have always been changing. We’ve had to deal with life… and death. And Feeny. But no matter what we faced, we always faced it together. (Steps down to the floor, looking at Cory) So then how can we possibly be upset with each other on his wedding day? Well, it’s because deep down, I think Cory and I both know that we’re not gonna be best friends anymore. (Long pause) And that’s the way it should be. So this is to Topanga. (Looks to her, holding out glass) Cory’s wife… and new best friend. (Steps closer, to Topanga, almost crying) Take care of him okay? Topanga: (Nods) I will. Shawn: (Faintly smiling) And when he makes you nuts, call me. Topanga: (While she and Shawn hug) I will. Shawn: (Holds up glass, to room) To Cory and Topanga. Everyone: (Holds up glasses) Cory and Topanga! Eric: (Steps to Cory and Topanga) And now, I would like to give my gift… (Makes his way between Cory and Topanga) to my little brother and new sister-in-law. Topanga: Eric, this wedding was more than enough. Eric: Yeah, it was, wasn’t it? (Chuckles) But I do have one more thing up my sleeve. I hold in my hand a key. (Holds a large key between Cory & Topanga, who both glare at it) A key to the honeymoon suite… of the Philadelphia Victoria Hotel. So that after this par… Cory: (Interrupting, snatching the key) Bye!! (Grabs Topanga by the hands, and runs with her out of the room) Topanga: (As they exit) Woo! (Everyone holds up the glasses, smiling, as though that was a toast. Everyone resumes milling about) Jack: Alright, Eric, you spill it right now. (He, Shawn, Rachel, Angela and Eric all sit at a table) Angela: Yeah, how could you possibly arrange all this? Eric: Oh, it was child’s play! I’m pickin’ up the tuxes, right? Shawn: Right. Eric: And I see next door that they’re setting up for this hoity-toity Peterman wedding. Rachel: Wait a minute, the disposable diaper Petermans? Eric: Yeah, dem Petermans. (Sips champagne) Rachel: Their wedding is the social event of the year. Eric: Yeah, well… Now it’s not. Jack: (Accusatory) What did you do? Eric: Well, nothing. I just run out to the payphone, and I call the operator, and she said “what hotel?” and I told her, and while she was getting the number, I looked down under the receiver and there’s some kind of schmutz on it… I’m not sure if it was dried vomit or gum, it tasted more like gum… Jack: (Interrupting, irritated) Get on with it! Eric: (Stands) I told them that I was E.J. Peterman and I had to get, uh, my daughter married sooner because she was pregnant. (Chuckles) So drink up, guys! ‘Cause it’s gonna h*t the fan in, like, two seconds… (Sips champagne) Jack: What kind of unbelievable hotel moron would fall for something that stupid? Eric: Ummmm… (looks around room) Him! (Points to the hotel manager, also portrayed by Will Friedle, simply with a fake mustache. The manager smiles at Eric, Eric salutes back, and the manage points appreciatively then walks over) Manager: (Speaks with a German accent, I think) Is everything quite satisfactory, Mr. Peterman? Eric: Oh, quite, quite. You run a tight ship here, young fellow, and you’re a good looking man. [Enter E.J. Peterman, and old fart dressed in a fancy-schmancy tux, with three other old farts behind him] Peterman: (Grumpily surveying the room) What is going on here!? Eric: Uh-oh. (puts down champagne glass and hides between two columns on the opposite side of the room) Peterman: (To the manager) I am E.J. Peterman… Alan: (To Eric, who’s head’s between the columns) Party’s over, isn’t it? Peterman: (To manager) And I demand to know just what the hell is going on here! Eric: Oh, yeah, it’s over. (Whistles, yelling) Run like hell! (Everyone, except the manager and Peterman, exit running) [TAG - Philadelphia Victorian Hotel ballroom, continued from before. The ballroom has emptied, leaving on Peterman and the manager (remember: he’s Will Friedle AKA Eric) arguing] Manager: Mr. Peterman, there was a wedding and a little bit of the people, they… Peterman: (Interrupting, simmering with anger) I know there was a wedding, but it was not my wedding! Manager: SO THEY COME IN AND THEY GET MARRIED AND THEY SAY YES I DO!!!! (The argument deteriorates into incoherent yelling, especially the manager’s German accent. Rest assured, it’s quite funny, but cannot be transferred into words on a page. Anyways, it goes on for a while until the manager closes with…) Manager: You go have a heart att*ck? I don’t even pick up after you!! Peterman: (Turns to his goonies) WHERE IS THE MANAGER HERE?!?!?! (To manager) I DEMAND TO SEE THE MANAGER!! Manager: You go see the manager, he’s a skimpy guy that never tips!

{"type": "series", "show": "Boy Meets World", "episode": "07x07 - It's About Time"}

foreverdreaming

TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE: Whenever Eric and Jack are acting as Chantal and Lala, they will be referred to as such. Opening Credits [SCENE – Student Union after hours. Jack is standing around, bored, while Eric gives the cash register a spit shine when the front doors are jimmied open, Eric and Jack hide, not being seen by the intruders. The intruders wheel in a few large speakers. The leader of their g*ng is Crazy Luther] Luther: (To one of his thugs) Sup, how many are we expectin’? Thug: Put out over three thousand fires, we’re expectin’ a big crowd tonight, Luther. Luther: (Sits on the pool table) Big crowd, big money. Lot’s of beautiful women… and none of it’s legal. Excellent. [Cut to Eric and Jack, hiding behind the cooler up front, surveying the whole scene before them] Eric: (To Jack) Dude, this must be that floating rave the school’s been trying to bust. (Pulls Jack aside, completely hidden behind the counter) You think we should call the cops? Jack: (Holds Eric’s head) Are you nuts? That’s crazy Luther Montolfo, he’s insane. Eric: Crazy Luther? The guy who sells stereo products at low, low prices? Jack: (Vaguely smiling) No. Crazy Luther who chewed off his own brother’s finger. Don’t go near this guy, man, he’s psycho! Eric: Yeah, but think about it. We turn him in, we’re heroes. Jack: That would look good on my resume. (Smiles, daydreaming) Get a new job, buy a beautiful house, and hire a security guard to sh**t you on sight if you ever come near my property… Eric: That sounds a little hostile, but I wish you well. Jack: Aw, now I feel bad. Eric: (Emotionally) Aw… (They hug) (Whispering) Now, let’s go… go! (Jack moves away, crouching) [Cut to later. Jack and Eric have confronted Luther, and are staring him down as he is being held by two police officers] Eric: That’s right, we dropped the dime. (Jack is poking his shoulder) We nine-one-oned your hoodlum butt! Jack: (Puts his arm around Eric, right into Eric’s ear) Are you crazy? Eric: (Still looking at Luther) No, no, he’s crazy. (Mocking) He’s crazy Luther! (Steps forward) Not so tough, now, are ya? You wanna chew these off? (Waves fingers in Luther’s face) Come on, you wanna chew ‘em off? (Laughs callously, Luther grins evilly) Jack: (To Eric) Alright, now he’s smiling at you. Eric: You know what, let him smile. We’re never gonna see this guy again! He just threw a rave in the Student Union, he is SO EXPELLED! (Points forcefully) Jack: Eric, he didn’t throw the rave. Remember, we turned him in before he could do anything illegal? Eric: (Turns to face back, back to Luther and the cops) Oh, come on, now, Jack, now, see, if that were the case, then the cops would have absolutely no reason to hold him. They’d have to let him go! (Luther defiantly waves his arms free from the cops’ grasps. The cops exit, and Luther stares, looking intimidating) (Still to Jack) They’d have to let ‘em all go! (Turns around to see the now-free Luther’s thugs enter en masse behind their leader) (Eric grins, terrified) Luther: I’m not gonna k*ll you today. (Paces towards Eric and Jack) Eric: You’re not? Luther: Naw… I’m gonna let you go home and think you’re safe. And when you think you are… you’re not. Enjoy what’s left of your life, boys. (Exits, pointing towards door. His thugs follow him) Eric: (To Jack, short of breath, looks horrified) What’s gonna happen? Jack: (Like Eric, looks horrified) He’s gonna k*ll us. [SCENE – Jack, Eric, and Shawn’s apartment. Shawn is making a sandwich when Jack quickly enters, obviously scared, and slams the door shut, holding it there behind him. Jack quickly lock the door, then looks around] Jack: Where’s Eric? Did Luther come here? (Weepy, walks towards Shawn) He got him, didn’t he? Eric’s gone! Oh no! (Cries on Shawn’s shoulder) Oh, poor Eric. (Moves head up, so he’s only leaning on Shawn) He was so young and stupid. Shawn: Eric’s okay. Jack: (Suddenly cheerfully) Oh, good. (Pats Shawn) Great. (Begins pacing away) Well he’s not gonna be okay for long if we don’t come up with a plan. We gotta come up with something that is very smart. [Enter Eric from the bedrooms, dressed as a revolting woman in a red dress. Eric starts towards the front of the apartment] Jack: Not that! Eric: (Stops at the top of the stairs) Alright, here’s what we’re gonna do. (Walks down stairs) Jack: No. No, no, no, Eric, you can do that, I’d rather die. Eric: Fine. Die. After your funeral, I’m goin’ shopping. (Turns to Shawn) How do I look, babe? Shawn: (Surveys Eric) Yes on the dress, no on the face. Eric: What, too much makeup? Shawn: Too much ugly. Jack: (Angrily) ERIC! Eric: (Turns to Jack) Hey, whoa, whoa… (Pointing) It’s not Eric. Don’t call me Eric. Don’t ever call me Eric again! Shawn: So, who are you? Eric: (Turns to Shawn) I dunno, yet. Let’s see, I’m, uh… (In deep voice with an eastern-European, Schwarzenegger-ish accent) My name is Olga Svetlana. I’m a sh*t-put champion. I don’t shave my armpits. (Turns to Shawn, seeking approval) Shawn: Eric, you need to find your own inner woman. Eric: (To self, pacing) Inner woman… Discover my chick-ness… (Looks in mirror, making attempted sexy faces, brushing back his wig hair, and licking his lipstick-covered lips) (In French Accent) Chantal… Chantal DuBois… (In the mirror, we can see Shawn smiling and nodding) I’m a little French girl… (Turns to Jack and Shawn) And I’m very shy. (Grins femininely) Shawn: (In French) Enchanté, Chantal… (Gentlemanly, takes Eric’s hand) Chantal: (In French) Enchanté… (giggles) (Looks to Jack, pointing. As himself) Now, you. (Pulls a light brown wig out of his shopping bag) You’re Lala Nelson. You’re a trollop, former drug addict. (Presses wig to Jack’s chest) Jack: No! No, there’s no way I’m doing this, alright? Can we just leave town? Eric: We can’t leave town, we got midterms all week! Jack: (Pause, realizing it’s the only way) No! No, I’m a man! And I’m staying a man! And I’m facing him like a man! (There’s a knock at the door, he screams girlishly) Aahhh! (Hides behind Eric and Shawn) [SCENE – Cory and Topanga’s apartment. Cory, by himself, is painting the whole apartment a very bright yellow with a roller while singing] Cory: (Singing) My favorite color’s yellow! I’m such a happy fellow! It makes me jiggle like Jell-O! (Topanga enters, Cory look at her) Hello. (Topanga looks grossed out by the color) Who’s the most wonderful husband there is? (Hops off his ladder) Topanga: (Masking her hatred for the new look with a smile, slowly shutting the door) What… did… you do? Cory: (Completely oblivious to how Topanga feels) Go ahead, put on something sexy and thank me. Topanga: (Looks around, speaks slowly) You, uh… You chose yellow… Cory: And not just any yellow, baby, okay? This is the same yellow that they use to paint those lines in the street. (Motions arm back and forth, as though providing clarity) Huh? How about that? Topanga: (Less than happy, but hiding it) How… ‘bout… that… Cory: (Grabs a bucket) Look at this, three ninety-nine a bucket, same as the city pays. Topanga: You’ve really worked hard on this, haven’t you? Cory: I have. Because, y’know, once we decided that we were gonna fix this place up, I really wanted to put my hear and soul into it, y’know? I mean, I want you to be happy here, Topanga. Topanga: (Uncomfortably) I want me to be happy here, too. Cory: Right! Well, I’ve got a lot of ideas. (Resumes painting) Topanga: Let’s talk about them! Cory: No, (Faces Topanga) I wanna surprise you. Topanga: Mmmm… Cory: I mean, that look on your face when you walked in meant so much to me, Topanga. Topanga: This look? (Shows a huge, obviously fake, smile) Cory: (Excitedly) Yes! (Topanga nods) Yes! I’ve never seen you look like that before! (Topanga, smiling, nods) I mean, it makes me want to surprise you every day for the rest of our lives. Topanga: How long do you think that’ll be? Cory: (Sitting next to Topanga, shrugs) I dunno. It’s a surprise. (Kisses Topanga’s cheek, hands her a roller, then heads for the door) Topanga: Where are you going now? Cory: (Shrugs as if to say “of course!”) Corkworld! (Exits) [SCENE – Student Union, Eric enters as Chantal, meaning he does everything femininely and speak with a high voice and French accent] Chantal: (To room) Bonjour! (Luther and his thugs at the pool table are stunned by Chantal’s ugliness) You see, Lala? You see how simple it is? (Notices Jack isn’t behind him) Lala? (Moves towards the door) Where did she go… (Giggles) (Opens door and calls out) Lala, girlfriend! I believe it’s time for you to make your debut. (Jack, as Lala, who speaks in a high voice, enters cautiously. He makes a slightly more attractive woman than Eric. Jack moves close to Eric, so no one can hear him) Jack: This is crazy, Eric. Eric: It’s not crazy, and don’t call me Eric, Ja… (sees Luther approaching) Shh! Luther: How ya doin’? Jack: How ya doin’? (Realizes, goes into Eric’s arms) Chantal: This is my friend Lala, she too shy. Luther: Yeah, well, I want to talk to just her. Okay? Chantal: You do not with to talk to me? Luther: No. Feeny: (Pops out of nowhere) I, however, do wish to talk to you. Chantal: Ooh! It’s monsieur Feeny! (giggles, tries to get away, but Jack holds him there) Don’t be a butt-inski, it’s a very long story, you would not figure it out! Feeny: What’s to figure? (Gestures to Jack) He’s pretty and you look like a bison. Chantal: (Hurt) What? Feeny: (Noticing Eric’s fake boobs) Hm… Double D’s, just like your grades. (Exits) (Sadly, Eric, as Chantal, wanders towards the couch with Jack, as Lala, behind him) Chantal: I look like a bison? Jack: No, no, he was just saying that, really don’t take it so hard! Chantal: How can I not take it hard? I see all the men look at me and point at me and avert their eyes and choke back their vomit! Jack: (Trying to be quiet) Dude! Dude! Keep it down, alright? Chantal: No! NO! (Trembling) I… am butt-ugly!! (Cries, Jack pats his back) No, don’t look at me, Lala, just let me die here! (Cries) Lala: Okay, whatever… Chantal: I swear, Lala, I don’t know how much more of zis I can take. (As he turns around, he burps. But he is suddenly facing Luther, who’s waving away the smell) Ooh! Luther: Damn! Chantal: (Jack is patting his back) ‘Scuse me! It must have been ze bad crepe! (Exits weeping) Luther: (Hands Jack, as Lala, a flower) So. You gotta boyfriend? Lala: (Panicked, turns away) Positively not. Luther: You want one? Lala: (More panicked) Positively not! (Luther sits them both on the couch) Oh… Luther: Come on, Lala. I’ll take you places you’ve never been before. Lala: (Laughing for real, but makes it sound feminine) Whoo-hoo-hoo! I’ll bet you’ve never been there before, either! Oo-hoo! (Taps the flower nervously) Oo, boy… [Cut to another part of the Student Union, where Topanga is sitting. Cory runs up, carry a huge cork table with many a cork product on it.] Cory: (Muffled, because he has a ruler in his mouth) (Excitedly) Fofanga! Fofanga! (Puts down table, takes the ruler out of his mouth) You are not gonna believe this one. Corkworld is going out of business! Can you believe that? Topanga: (Looking not quite enthused, also perplexed) What? Cory: (In agreement) Yeah! I bought everything they had! Look, at this! (Taps table) This is a cork coffee table! Do you realize the money we are gonna save on coasters? Topanga: What if I want coasters? Cory: (Holds some up, really energized) Got ‘em anyway! Topanga: (Fakes laughing) Oh… (Cory gets up to leave) Wait, where are you going now? Cory: (Holding the table) Topanga, I just bought two tons of cork, where do you think I’m going? Topanga: I wouldn’t know! Cory: Wrong! Thumbtack City. (Smiles, exits) Topanga: (Puts down book) (Trying to convince herself) You love him. (Gets up, goes to the counter) Just remember you love him, do not forget you love him. (Passes Eric, as Chantal, moping at a table) Chantal: At least he still finds you attractive. Topanga: (Turns to Eric) ‘Scuse me? Chantal: I just don’t think that ze way a person looks should make zem ze object of ridicule! (Cries into a handkerchief) Topanga: (In pity, touches Eric’s shoulder) Aww… (Eric looks up, Topanga recoils) Aye-yi… [Cut back to Luther and Jack, as Lala] Luther: Come on, (Stands, takes Jack’s hand) Let’s go somewhere more private. Lala: (Stands) Oh, no! No! No, we must get off this crazy train! Luther: (Happily) Yeah, lets get crazy. (Puts his arm around Jack) Come on, I’m taking you to dinner. Lala: (Worried) Oh, dear… Oh… (As they pass Eric) (as himself) He thinks I’m pretty, and he’s taking me out. Chantal: Oh, sure, rub it in! (Jack and Luther exit) And who’s gonna take me out, the zoo-keeper? [SCENE – Outside the Student Union. Topanga sits at a table by herself, reading a book. Cory approaches] Cory: Topanga! Topanga, you have to come back to the apartment and see what I did. Topanga: (Chuckling) No, I don’t need to see it. Cory: (Sits) No, you do. You have to see it. Because after the yellow and the cork, I had an idea. Topanga: (Stalling) I’m sure it’s beautiful. Cory: It is. It was my best idea yet. You want me to tell you? Topanga: I’m sure I’ll see it. Cory: Now? Topanga: (Quickly) No. Cory: When? Topanga: Ah, someday. Cory: Okay. (Stands) Okay, I’m gonna go back and finish it up. (Kisses her forehead) Topanga: Okay… have fun… Cory: Can’t wait for you to see it. Topanga: (Smiling) Aww… (Cory exits, Topanga’s smile fades into a look of discontent) (Enter Eric, as Chantal, crying into a handkerchief. Eric sits next to Topanga) Topanga: Are you alright? Chantal: No, Topanga, I’m not. Topanga: I’m sorry, do we know each other? Chantal: Oh, you’re Topanga. Everyone knows you, you’re beautiful. You have a wonderful husband who loves you. (Cries) And I’ll never have a husband because I’m a shy, ugly little French girl! (Lowers head, still crying. Topanga looks a bit scared) Topanga: (Puts her hand on Eric’s knee) No, no you’re not. Chantal: (Looks up briskly, panting) Really? Topanga: (Instead of answering, flashes that fake smile that Cory likes, then laughs) Look, we all have our problems. I mean my husband who loves me also… Chantal: (Interrupting) Corky? Topanga: (Smiles, corrects her) Cory. Our house is corky. (Smiles) And yellow. And I really don’t like it at all, but I don’t have the heart to tell him. Chantal: Oh, but you should. Topanga: I should? Chantal: Yes, he would not want to do anything that would make you unhappy. Topanga: But he’s so excited. Chantal: But what would make him really excited is to do something that would make you happy… Topanga: You think? Chantal: Do you love him? Topanga: (Smiles) More than anything. Chantal: Does he love you? Topanga: For our whole lives. Chantal: (Smiling) Then trust him. It will all work out okay. Topanga: (Gratefully) Thank you. Thank you for caring. Chantal: Well, you seem like such a nice girl. Topanga: So do you. Chantal: Chantal DuBois. (They shake hands) Topanga: (While shaking) Ow! (Giggling to hide the pains, rubs her hand) Well, it’s nice to meet a new friend, Chantal. Especially one with such a beautiful spirit. Chantal: (Looks up desperately) Did… Did you just say… that I was beautiful? Topanga: (Long pause, smiles uncertainly) Yeah, I did. And I meant it. You are beautiful. Chantal: (Almost crying) I am? Topanga: (Nodding, jittery) …yeah… Maybe we could be friends? Chantal: (Happily, weeping) Oh, we would be such great friends! But I’m sorry, I can’t. (Taps Topanga’s arm friendly, but hurt her) Topanga: Ow… Uh, why not? Chantal: Because soon I will be gone. Topanga: Gone where? Chantal: (Breathing hard, almost crying) Well, either back to France… Or k*lled by Crazy Luther! (Cries) Topanga: The stereo guy? Chantal: No, the guy who bites off ze fingers. (Waves fingers) Topanga: (Understandingly) Oh… Chantal: Oh, but before I go… I just want to thank you so much for… (breaks into crying, hugs Topanga. Topanga: (While being hugged) Au revoir, Chantal. Chantal: (While hugging) I don’t know what that means, but good bye. Topanga: Good bye. (Eric turns away, but drops his handkerchief. When he bends down to pick it up, he gives Topanga and the audience an all-too-revealing looking of his undergarments. Topanga quickly tries to brush Eric’s skirt over it. Eric leaves, Topanga has a “what the hell…?” expression on her face) [SCENE – The Student Union, Luther enters with Jack, as Lala.] Lala: (Giggling) Ooh-hoo-hoo. (He and Luther sit on the couch) Woo! (Luther moves closer) Luther: So I bought you dinner and shoes. Comin’ back to my place or not? Lala: (Appalled) No! You think you think you can buy me for a pair of sling backs? Luther: Then what’ll it take? Lala: (Thinks) Well… some hockey sticks, and, uh… baseball cleats and what kind of care do you drive? Luther: ’89 Firebird T-Top. Lala: I’d want that. Luther: You ain’t getting that! Lala: Then you ain’t getting nothing! (Snaps fingers) Luther: (Stands) Fine! You’re nothing but a big distraction, anyway! Lala: (Stands, puzzled) Distraction? From what? Luther: From k*lling those two idiots. I’m gonna get a couple of my boys, and I’m gonna pound those two. Thanks to you, I’m very frustrated. Lala: (Diverting him) Oh, oh! (Sits him down) I wouldn’t want to be responsible for any v*olence. What does v*olence solve? Luther: It solves that I’m not disrespected in front of my boys. I will not be made to look the fool. Lala: Oh, I see, you don’t wanna be embarrassed in front of your pals. (Smiles) Luther: That’s right. Lala: Well, when Lala hears all that he-man talk, gets her feeling a little… (leans in suggestively) snuggly. Luther: It does? Lala: (Puts finger to mouth, all cutesy) Uh-huh. (Calling to Eric, who’s sitting at a table in the back) Oh, Chantal! (Waves to her) Ooh! (Eric looks confused) Look at us! Aren’t we just pretty as a picture! Get a camera! Go get a camera! (Eric quickly wanders away) Luther: A camera? Lala: Oh yes, yes, I just love taking pictures. Don’t you? (Puts finger to mouth sexily again) Luther: Whatever turns you on, baby. (Eric, as Chantal, arrives with camera in hand) Lala: Ooh! Chantal! Chantal: Hello! Lala: Let’s take a picture of Luther and I documenting out pash-i-on. (sexy finger/mouth thing again) Chantal: Why? Lala: (Becoming frustrated with Eric’s stupidity) Because Luther values his reputation more than anything and I’m sure his friends would just love to see a picture of him and me! Eric: (Quietly, leans in close so Luther can’t here) Dud, you’re not even really a… Lala: (Interrupting, angrily) Just take the picture! Chantal: ‘Kay! Lala: (Turns to Luther) Okay, now, uh… pucker your lips and close your eye and you will get a big surprise. (Laughing girlishly) Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo! (Luther does so, Jack removes his wig and makes a flexing pose next to Luther’s kissy face. Eric takes the picture) (Without his wig on) Okay, now open your eyes! (In normal voice) How ya doin’? Luther: (Terrified) Ahhh!! Jack: Let’s discuss your reputation, pal. Luther: (Pointing) It’s you! Eric: (Now sitting on the other side of Luther, removes wig) Hello! Luther: (Looks back and forth between them) It’s both of you! I’ll k*ll you both! Eric: I don’t think so, Luther. Jack: (Holding up picture) Yeah, you see this right here? You even look at us wrong again, this picture is going on the school webpage. (Luther snatches at it and misses. Jack then stands as he hides the picture in his fake cleavage. Luther stands and attempts to fish it out, but Eric also stands and takes another picture, smugly removing it from his camera) Eric: Ding! Luther: (To Jack) Fine. I won’t look at you wrong. (To Eric, who has put his wig back on) I won’t look at you at all. Chantal: Oh yeah? Well I’m beautiful on the inside, and on ze inside you’re a pig! (Luther exits, Eric does a little butt-bumping celebration dance, but Jack won’t join in) Jack: Man, I cannot wait to go home and get out of these clothes! (Eric, as Chantal, does “sexy” poses) Eric? Chantal: Never feel so alive in my whole life, I just want to – umf! (Continues doing “sexy” poses) [SCENE – Hallway outside Cory & Topanga’s apartment. Topanga stands there, practicing what she’s gonna say to Cory, before she enters] Topanga: Cory, I just want you to know that I love you and no matter what you did to the apartment, it’s fine with me. (Unsatisfied) Uck! (Enters the apartment) Cory, I just… (Realizes the apartment is a beautiful light blue instead of the horrible yellow, and wonderfully furnished not with cork) What did you do? Cory: (Sitting on the yellow couch, closes magazine) Y’know, you keep saying that… Topanga: (Stunned) It’s beautiful! Cory: (Stands) Oh, what? It wasn’t beautiful before? Topanga: No. Actually, it was hideous. Cory: So why didn’t you tell me? Topanga: Because I know you. I know how much work you put into this and I didn’t want to make you feel bad. Cory: Well, Topanga, I know you, too. (They both sit on the couch) Okay, I’ve known you all my life and I know you didn’t like what I was doing so I changed it. Topanga: (Happily) Well, I love it now! Show me what else you’ve done! (Gets up and goes into the bedroom) Cory: (Stands, follows Topanga about halfway) Well, I’m glad you love it, Topanga. And if there’s ever something I do that you don’t love, all you have to do is tell me. I mean, it’s not like it’s gonna hurt the marriage, here. (Walks back towards the couch) We’re a team, y’know? And if you don’t like something, Topanga, than I don’t like something. (Falls onto the couch) Topanga: (Reenters) I don’t like the mirror over the bed. Cory: (Points) Tough! (Topanga jumps on him playfully) [SCENE – The Student Union. Shawn and Jack, who is dressed normally, are playing pool] Jack: (With a tough-guy Brookly accent) Alright, we the got the three ball in the side pocket, hm? (sh**t it in, Shawn is glaring at him) What? Shawn: Why are you talking like that? Jack: (Same accent) What do you mean, I’m a man, alright? (Circles the pool table) This is how a man talks! This is how a man dresses. (Strokes his sweater) (Exaggerates this loping stride) This! Is how a man walks! And this right here… (lines up a sh*t on the table) is how a man sh**t stick, huh? (Makes a sh*t) Shawn: (Unimpressed) Jack, you’re overcompensating. Jack: (To a random guy walking by, in the accent) Hey, what’re you looking at? You lookin’ at me? You wanna piece of me, my friend? Get out of my eyesight! Shawn: Man! I bet Eric’s readjusting to his manhood better than you. (Enter Eric as Chantal) Chantal: (Greeting the room) ‘Allo! Shawn: Maybe not. Chantal: (To Jack and Eric) Hello, you two boys. (Walks up to the pool table) Oh, it’s such a beautiful day outside, but not nearly as beautiful as me on the inside. Jack: (Normal voice) Eric? We’re in the clear! You don’t have to be a woman anymore. Chantal: Oh, I know, but see, I just discovered how beautiful I was, so I’ve decided to stay like zees forever! So satisfying and rewarding to be in touch with one’s feminine side… (Smiles girlishly, a hot girl walks by) (As Eric) Now I’m gonna get in touch with her feminine side, so, ‘scuse me! (As Chantal, calling after the girl) ‘Allo! ‘Ello, we can be best friends! (As Eric, still calling) Oh, come on, everyone experiments in college! (gestures to his outfit) [Cut to Shawn, trying to not laugh, and Jack looking solemn] -End-

{"type": "series", "show": "Boy Meets World", "episode": "07x11 - What a Drag!"}

foreverdreaming

[SCENE – Matthews’ Living room. Cory, Topanga, Amy, and Morgan are sitting on the couch and a chair.] Topanga: He really takes this seriously. Cory: He’s a birthday freak. Morgan: I can’t take this pressure every year! I’m going to be in therapy, aren’t I? Amy: We’ll get a group rate, honey. Eric: (Enters from upstairs) Not gonna happen! This year you have wisely chosen Eric Matthews as the Alan Matthews birthday party planner. Bravo to you. Amy: And you are the right man for the job, sweetie. Eric: Yes I am. Yes I am. Now listen. (To group) Here’s the key as I see it. Dad was a Navy man. Which means he’ll use any means, even t*rture, to find out about this party. Cory: Dad was a cook in the coast guard. Eric: Daddy was a navy SEAL! (Starts choking Cory violently) DON”T YOU EVER… Alan: (Enters through front door) Hi! (Eric freezes) Topanga: Hello. Amy: Hi. Eric: (Lets go of Cory) Tell them nothing. (Runs upstairs) Alan: (Takes off coat) Three more days. I’m going to be so happy in three more days. Anybody know why? Huh? Mooorrrrrrgan? Morgan: I’m not playing. (Exits) Alan: What a baby! Forty-six. The big four six. What do you get a forty-six year old, huh? Anyone? Anyone? Amy: Oh, Alan, leave us the hell alone. (Gets up) (Enter Shawn and Angela) Shawn: Hey! Angela: Hey. Cory: Shawnie! Angela! Topanga: Hey, you. What’s up, Ange. Angela: (To Shawn) Tell them. Shawn: There’s nothing to tell. Cory: Tell us what? Shawn: Nothing. I just got a letter from my mom. From Virna. Cory: Have you opened it? Shawn: No. Cory: Tear it up. Shawn: Cory, I haven’t heard from her in three years. Cory: Just tear it up. Alan: Hey, Shawn! (Fonzie point) Shawn: Hey, Mr. Matthews! Happy birthday in three day, right? Forty-six? Alan: (Hugs Shawn) This is what I’m talking about, people! This is a good boy! Cory: Shawn? Look, everything’s going great for you, okay? You’ve got friends. You’ve got a beautiful, honest, sweet, loving woman that loves you. Angela: Well, thanks, Cor… Cory: (To Angela) Shut up! (To Shawn) You’ve made peace with your father’s death. You’ve made peace with your loony mother. Okay, there’s no good in that letter. Amy: Cory, maybe Shawn needs to take a look at that letter for reasons you can’t see right now. Cory: Gee, mom. Y’know I’m looking around the room here trying to see if anyone asked your opinion, and I don’t see anyone. Is anyone…? No? (Amy smacks his cheek gently three times) (To Shawn) Look, you want an opinion, you ask Topanga, okay? Ask her, go ahead. Topanga! Tell him! Topanga: Cory, honey, I think you should let Shawn do what he wants. Cory: Heh, heh, heh… Heh, heh, heh… Excuse me (To Topanga) Don’t you ever snap like that at me in public again. (Topanga hits him in the face with a clipboard) Shawn: (Reading letter) It says my mom is somewhere in Honduras… Cory: Oh no. He opened it. Shawn: (Still reading) And she’s never coming back. That’s nothing new. She heard that dad died and now I have the right to know something. Cory: Shawn, put the letter back in the envelope! Amy: Wait a minute, maybe it’s good news! Cory: Trust me, it’s not. (Snatches letter from Shawn, who’s frozen) Alan: Shawn? Shawn: She’s not my real mother. -Commercial Break- [SCENE – Jack, Eric, and Shawn’s apartment. There are diagrams of Shawn’s family hanging from the cabinets. Shawn, Jack, and Angela are on a computer. Cory and Topanga are on the couch.] Shawn: I gotta find my mom, Jack. She’s the only family… Jack: …you have left? You wanna say that again? Let’s go on a search for your brother. Oh, wait a minute, you don’t have to, he’s here. Shawn: You’re my half brother. Jack: Then how about the other half beats the crap out of you? Eric: (Enters from bedroom) Okay, listen up people. Here’s the plan as I see it. (Stretches out pointer. Removes cover from display next to couch. On the display there is a diagram. A picture of Morgan + Skull & Crossbones = Green Morgan. Below that, There an arrow pointed from an emergency room door to balloons and confetti) We give Morgan (Points to regular Morgan), who will be out our decoy, some kind of poison (Points to skull) that’ll make her ill (Points to green Morgan). Dad’ll have to take her to the hospital, and when he’s in the emergency room (Points to emergency room door), that’s when the party begins (Points to balloons & confetti). Topanga: Just let me make sure I understand this. You are willing to poison your sister to surprise your father. Eric: The problem is if Morgan goes south, I mean if she actually, well, croaks (flips display, revealing new poster. There are two pictures. The top one has a picture of Morgan with a skull for a face, and the bottom is of cadaver feet with a tag that reads “Morgan”), It’s gonna put a damper on the entire party. Which is why we get (Flips display again. Now it’s a picture of Eric in a cowboy outfit holding balloons and riding a pony. Everything but Eric’s face is a cartoon) horsey rides (Points to pony). Notice me, I’m Eric (points to his picture) on the horsey, let’s call him Pete (Points to pony). The two of us together (Circles picture) having fun, joy, merriment. (Cory raises hand. Eric points to him) Cory. Cory: I wanna be over there (Gets up and walks away) Topanga: Take me with you! (Grabs his arm and walks away with him) Eric: Alright if any of you need me, I’ll be at the poison store. (Takes display and exits) Shawn: (Everyone is crowded around the computer) Interesting family on dad’s side. His great grandfather and great uncle were born in Scotland. Cory & Topanga: Ahh! Scottish! Shawn: And what they were known for was, well, one day they slaughtered their entire village. Cory & Topanga: Ahh! Slaughters! Shawn: I come from thieves and pillagers. I come from bad people. Angela: Well, hey, y’know we haven’t looked up your mom’s side. Shawn: I’ve had three mothers. Jack: (Reading computer) Yes, uh, Virna, Ming-wah, and Elaine. Shawn: I think we can rule Ming-wah out. Angela: Which leaves Elaine. Jack: (Reading) Elaine McGinty, ah yes, last spotted in Boston. Shawn: She’s probably sitting in a coffee house reading poetry right now. You think Elaine’s where I got my poetry thing, Cor? Cory: No. Shawn: Why not? Cory: I just, I don’t want you to expect anything. Jack Okay! (Hits four keys) (To Shawn) I’ve entered all the information so all you have to do is h*t search and they’ll send you the results a few days later in the mail. You’re sure you want to do this, right? Shawn: Oh, I sure. Jack: Is that your final answer? Shawn: Yeah. (Presses key) [SCENE – Student café. Eric is preparing everybody for Alan’s surprise party. Cory, Angela, Topanga, and Jack are on the couch while Eric is going through his routine with Rachel] Eric: (Holds her shoulders and slowly backs away) Okay. So when the firecrackers go off, Rachel runs inside the house and yells…? (Points to Rachel) Rachel: (Deadpan) The Japanese are attacking. The Japanese are attacking. Eric: (Waves hand) Wow. Okay, uh, see, I don’t believe you (Grabs her shoulders again) Rachel: I don’t believe you! Eric: Daddy will run outside because he’s a Navy seal! Cory: Not! Eric: (To Cory) Shut it! You, you. (Walks over to Cory) You gotta get your cakes. That’s the only job is to get the cakes. You got that squirt? Cory: I like when you call me “squirt” (high fives Eric) Shawn: (Enters with envelope) Alright, everybody! I hold in my hand the research results for one Elaine McGinty-Hunter. I have a mother, she’s in here. (Taps envelope) Angela: Open it. Cory: Yeah, open it because things are going great, everybody’s happy, we’re all getting along, and who wants that? Shawn: What? Cory: (faking) Yeah! Open it… Shawn: (Opens envelope, reads paper inside) Huh, how about that? These Hunters are tricky people, it must be in our blood. If a Hunter doesn’t want to be found, she won’t be found. Angela: Well, you know maybe we can just try again. Shawn: No, no, because every trace we did, Jack, they came up empty. Topanga: Maybe she got married again. Angela: Maybe her name just changed. Jack: Maybe she doesn’t want to be found. Shawn: Yeah, maybe she doesn’t want to be found by me. Angela: You’re overreacting. Rachel: Shawn, are you going to be okay? Shawn: (Stands up) No, yeah I’m fine. I knew this was a long sh*t. I’m just glad that I tried. Topanga: (Stands) Shawn, you have a tendency to push your friends away when these things happen to you. Angela: (Stands) Shawn, we’re happy now. Don’t you dare go and do something crazy to us. Shawn: Angela, love, kiss. Forgeduboudit, okay? I’m leaving now. Not some big Shawn exit, I’ve just got stuff to do. Cory: (Jokingly) Go on, get out of here, we’re tired of looking at your ugly face. (Waves him away) (To rest) Right everybody? (General agreement) (To Shawn) Listen, don’t forget about my dad’s party, okay? Shawn: Wouldn’t miss it. (Exits) Topanga: (After pause) Cory? Cory: Yeah? Topanga: What do you think he’s gonna do? Cory: Probably something that’ll devastate himself as well as everyone around him. Angela: (Sadly) The usual. (Topanga puts her arm around her waist) [SCENE – Matthews’ living room. Alan is sitting on the couch. Eric sits next to him] Eric: Hey, Daddio. Alan: (Sad) Hi… Eric: All sad? Alan: (Sad) Yeah… Eric: Cause it’s your birthday so you didn’t make any plans so you could be here and now you’re here but nobody’s doing anything. Alan: (Sad) Yeah… Eric: Yeah? Well you did make any plans for… (turns to face him) tomorrow night, did you? Alan: Why? Eric: Oh no. There’s no reason. No reason at all. No reason at all. I just don’t want to make plans for… tomorrow night. Alan: Why? (Starts to tickle Eric) Eric: (Laughing) Oh, no, I can’t. Alan: Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Eric: Okay! Okay! Okay! Big bash. Big bash. Big luau, okay? (Laughs weird) Alan: Tomorrow night? But tomorrow night’s not my birthday tomorrow night’s just… tomorrow night! Eric: I have a horsey coming. Alan: Eric, you throw a birthday party on a person’s birthday! Eric: Then you’re not going to be surprised! Hi! I think I know what I’m doing, alright dad? I planned this whole thing myself. (Puts feet up) (Pause) Y’know, so how much do you like Morgan? Alan: So what are you doing here? Now? Eric: You know, that’s funny, I don’t know. Mom told me to be here at exactly 7:30 for something, I don’t know… (Suddenly, everybody jumps up and yells “Surprise!” Cory and Jack come from upstairs, Amy, Angela, and Morgan come from outside, Rachel and Topanga come from the kitchen) Alan: Outstanding! Eric: What’s the occasion? Amy: (Hugging Alan) Eric we used you as a decoy. We knew you’d be stupid so we used it against you. Eric: (Laughs hysterically) I was a decoy cause I’m so stupid! I am so stupid! But, you know something? That’s gonna make my party tomorrow a big surprise, right dad? Alan: Riiiight… Eric: (Laughing) yeah! Shawn: (Enters from front door) Surprise. Eric: (Whispering loud) It’s tomorrow night, you idiot! Alan: Hey, Shawn. Everyone: (Except Alan) Hi, Shawn. Shawn: Happy birthday, Cory’s father. Cory: Shawn, can I talk to you for a second? I just want to talk to you for one second. Shawn: (Slurred, a little drunk) No. I don’t want to talk to you. Cory: Yeah. Okay. (Walks away) Ooh, boy… Angela: Shawn, baby, you alright? Shawn: (Slurred, a little drunk) Yeah, I’m fine, baby. How are you? (Puts arms around her) It’s a pleasure to see you this evening. You look great. Angela: Shawn… Shawn: What, you’re disappointed? (To Jack) She’s disappointed… Jack: Dude. Shawn: (Mocking) Dude. Jack: Shawn– Shawn: (Mocking) Shawn. (Let’s go of Angela) Jack: Aw, come on, man. Shawn: (Mocking) Come one, man. Man. Buddy. Shawn. Hey, hey, look. Hey. Jack: Hey. You’re not supposed to be drinking, alright? (Pats his shoulder) Angela: Shawn, you know what, lets go sit together. (Puts arm around his waist and steers him away from Jack towards the door) Let’s go for a walk. Shawn: You still love me, huh? Angela: Yes… Shawn: (Quietly) We don’t have any mommies. Angela: I know. Alan: Shawn. Why don’t you come into the kitchen with me for a minute. Shawn: You gonna make me an omelette? Alan: I want to have a talk with you. Now. Shawn: You’re not my dad. Alan: Yeah, well, I’m all you have right– (Puts hand on Shawn’s shoulder) Shawn: (Knocks away Alan’s hand) (Serious) You’re not my dad. I don’t have a dad. And I don’t have a mom. I’m an orphan. I’m an old orphan. My childhood is over… (choking up) I never had any parents. (Pause) Oh, god! (Sits on coffee table, to self) Stop whining! I… I… I… Hate you… Alan: I’ll be your father. Shawn: You’ll be what? Alan: I want you to be a member of this family. Amy: Alan…? Alan: We want you to be a member of this family. Amy: Yeah, we do. You need a mom? I’m a really good mom. I got references. Cory: Yeah, she’s good. Eric: She’s the best I ever had. Shawn: You want to adopt me? Amy: Oh, Shawn. You’ve always been a part of this family. Alan: How about we make it official? (Shawn stumbled out and bumps into Angela, who covers her ears and cries) -Commercial Break- [SCENE – Street Sidewalk. Shawn is walking and being followed by a Santa] Shawn: (Stops, but doesn’t turn around) Well, it’s Cory to the rescue. Old faithful. Why don’t you go home to your wife and leave me alone? (Turns around) Sorry, Santa, I thought you were someone else. Santa: It’s cold out, son. Go home. Shawn: Wow, he really didn’t follow me, huh? A guy gets married and that’s the end of me. (Puts some money in Santa’s bucket. Santa walks away. Cory is behind him) Cory: I’m here. Shawn: I knew you would be. Cory: So, where we going? Shawn: I thought we’d go to the cemetery. Cory: I thought we’d go for pie. Shawn: Cemetery. Cory: Boysenberry. (Shawn turns and walks away, Cory follows) Shawn, I don’t like cemeteries. There’s a high concentration of d*ad people. I haven’t even visited my Nana Booboo. Shawn: Your Nana Booboo’s not d*ad. Cory: Oh, so now you’re a doctor? (Grabs his arm, stops him) Shawn. Come here. Look. Come back to my house, okay? My family offered to adopt you tonight. Do you know how great that is? You’d actually be my brother. Shawn: You are my brother, already. Cory: So come back to my house! There’s life at my house, my family wants you there. What’s waiting for you at the cemetery? Shawn: My family. Mine. (Walks away) [SCENE – Cemetery. Shawn enters, walks over to a headstone and starts yelling at it] Shawn: Hey! You having a good time in there with all your secrets? Like the fact that you’ve been married 62 and never bothered to tell me who my real mother was? What possible reason could a father have not to tell his boy who his mom is? Chet: (From off screen) Maybe the father was trying to protect the boy. (Shawn looks up. Chet is standing under a tree) Hey. Thanks for planting those flowers there. (gestures towards headstone) You keep the place all nice and pretty for all my many visitors. Shawn: Why didn’t you tell me who my mom was? Chet: Your mother’s Virna. Shawn: No. The woman who gave birth to me. Chet: Oh, her. Ah, she took off. When you were born I said, “Honey! It’s a… Honey?” (chuckles) But don’t blame her, son. She wasn’t the mother type. She was more… how can I put this delicately… a stripper. Shawn: My mom was a stripper? Chet: The best. Shawn: Did you love her? Chet: I did. I did lover her. It wasn’t enough to hold her, thought. Shawn: Neither was I, I guess. I wasn’t enough to hold her… Wasn’t enough to hold Virna… Chet: No. You were adorable. You had that little butt that Virna loved to powder. Women did not find my butt adorable, however. They kicked it around pretty good during my life. Truth is you had a lousy mother. A lousy father. You come from a long line of lousy, boy. Shawn: Yeah, I know. Chet: You got dealt a bad hand, son. I’m sorry about it. (Sits in front of his headstone) Shawn: (Sits next to Chet) You know the Matthews offered to adopt me. Chet: (laughs) Whoa! Shawn: I know. Chet: That sounds like a sweet deal. Shawn: What are you talking about? Chet: It doesn’t get any better than the Matthews. You’d be trading way up on that one. Shawn: Come on, you’re my father! Chet: I’m d*ad! Look. Take it from your d*ad dad. Become a Matthews. Put it to bed. Shawn: I always thought you were the black sheep of the family. Chet: I was. Shawn: No you weren’t. You stayed. You raised me. Chet: I came and went. I tried… Shawn: You did a good job with me, dad. People like me. I even have friends. Even have someone who loves me. Chet: Hold onto her. Shawn: I will. Just like I’m holding onto you. Chet: (Gets up) Why would you want to do that? Shawn: (Gets up) Because I’m proud of you. You’re the one who started to turn this family around. Chet: You’re proud of me? Shawn: I couldn’t be prouder. (Chet laughs quietly) I tried to tell you at the hospital. Chet: I couldn’t really hear you, y’know. I was going (grabs heart) Aaaahh! Oohhhh! Ooohhh! (Looks at Shawn) I can hear you now. Shawn: Thank you for being my father. Chet: You love me, huh? Shawn: Ain’t that a kick. Chet: Well… (Touches Shawn’s cheek) Maybe I can finally get a little sleep. (Walks away, disappears) Cory: (Enters) Shawn? You do what you needed to do? Shawn: Yeah, I did. Cory: (Walks over to Headstone) Hi, Mr. Hunter. How you doing? You know, me and Topanga got married. I wish you could have been there. (Pause) Shawn’s gonna be okay. (Pause) I hope you’re happy. Shawn: He is, Cor. Thanks. (They exits, arms on each other’s shoulders) [SCENE – Matthew’s Living room. It is still Alan’s party, but Shawn and Cory have returned.] Shawn: I’m sorry, but I can’t be a Matthews. Alan: I understand. The invitation is always on the table. Shawn: Thank you. But, uh, I have a feeling there’s too much repair work I gotta do for the Hunter clan. (Puts arm on Jack’s shoulder) Jack: Yeah. Cory: You know, Shawnie, if you ever change your mind you know you have family here. Shawn: I know. (To Alan) I am so sorry I ruined your party. (Holds out gift wrapped in newspaper) Happy birthday. Alan: Ooohh… (Opens it. It’s kid’s hand prints in a ceramic circle) Eric: (To Cory) (Snickers) That is such a stupid gift. Watch how mad dad gets. Alan: (Reading the gift) To my dad. I’ll keep this for the rest of my life. Eric: (Walks over) Actually, that’s from both of us, there, dad. (Holds hand over one of the prints) Shawn: There is one thing you can do for me, though. Alan: Name it. Shawn: Yell at me like you yell at Cory and Eric. Alan: Is that what you want? Shawn: That’s what I want, really give it to me. Not afraid. (Sits in chair) Amy: Uh-oh. Eric: Give it to him. Alan: Not afraid, huh? Maybe you should be a little afraid because I’m (tone change, jokingly angry) (Bends down, in Shawn’s ear) a Navy damn seal! (Stands up straight) Eric: (Pointing) That’s where I got that from he used to yell at me all the time! Alan: You want another beer Shawn? (squats, at eye level with Shawn) Why don’t you get one in the fridge? (Points to kitchen) So maybe you can lose an arm. Cory: Oooo. Alan: (To Shawn) How am I doing? Shawn: Great. You’re doing great. Alan: Don’t do these things anymore. It scares your friends. Angela: I know it scares me. Alan: And they love you. Angela: Yeah. I do (hugs Shawn from behind) Shawn: Never leave. Angela: I won’t. Alan: Someday… You may want to buy a house and you’re gonna come to me. Cory: (To Topanga) I think this is about us. Topanga: It’s a nice touch. Alan: Well, I got news for you. Get a job. Shawn: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Alan: You’re welcome.

{"type": "series", "show": "Boy Meets World", "episode": "07x12 - Family Trees"}

foreverdreaming

Opening Credits [SCENE – Student café. Shawn is at a table. Cory enters] Cory: You’ll never guess. Shawn: Topanga’s pregnant. Cory: She is? Why’d she tell you and not me? Are you the father of my child? Shawn: Hey idiot. Cory: What? Shawn: You had news? Cory: Oh, yeah. (Sits) I got a job. Shawn: Hey! A job! Good for you. Cory: Ask me what my hours are. Go ahead, ask me. Shawn: What are your hours, Cor? Cory: It’s up to me! Ask me who I work for. Go ahead, ask me. Shawn: You know what I wonder. Cory: What? What? What? What? What? Shawn: Who your boss could be. Cory: (Gets up and starts pacing) Me. I work for me, my boss is Mr. Me, it’s all me, isn’t that great? Shawn: Well I wouldn’t like it but it’s good for you. Cory: It is, Shawn. Oh yes, it is. And I can make between 400 and 5000 dollars a month! Shawn: Oh, no. Cory: You see, I’m the lord of my castle. And as the lord, I think it’s up to me to provide. And it’s up to Topanga to be my grateful French chambermaid Fifi LaBanza. Shawn: You haven’t actually said any of this to Topanga, have you? Cory: No, this is just crap floating around in my head. (Sits) But that’s the beauty of marriage, Shawn. That’s the golden nugget. Nobody has to know nothin’! Topanga: (Approaches) I have news! Cory: I have news! Topanga: Me first? Cory: Like always. (Stands) Topanga: Okay. So I was taking the train downtown to check out some shoes, just to look, not to buy, and I was sitting next to this woman who was looking at fashion photos, and I commented, “Oh, I love that outfit.” So did she. Turns out, she was the editor of this fashion magazine and we h*t it off so well she offered me a job, right there. I’m her assistant, Cory! I got a job! Cory: (Unenthusiastically) I’m really very proud of you. Topanga: What your news? Cory: Eehhhh, I got a job, too. Topanga: (Enthusiastically, happily) Aaahhhh! That’s great Cory, we’re a two income family! Tell me, tell me, everything. What’s the job, how’d you get it? Cory: Okay, okay, okay. So I’m walking down the street and I see this flyer with the dollar signs on it. Topanga: Seen those, go on. Cory: Okay, so I call the number. Topanga: That’s great, that shows initiative. Cory: Yeah, initiative. Now, I’m an entrepreneur. Topanga: What exactly are you doing, sweetie? Cory: Selling magazine subscriptions over the phone. Topanga: (Not enthusiastic) Oh… Shawn: Try again. Topanga: (More enthusiastic) Oh! Cory: Yeah, “Oh!” I can wear what I want. I can go to the bathroom where I want. I can eat lunch when I want. It’s great. And I can make as much as I choose between 400 and 5000 dollars a month. I chose 5000! Thank you. Topanga: Where are you working, where are your offices? Cory: In our living room. Topanga: (Not enthusiastic) Oh. Shawn: Try again. Topanga: (Disappointed) Oh… Shawn: Not as good. -Commercial Break- [SCENE – Student café. Eric is cleaning a woman’s shoulder when he spots a penny on the floor and picks it up] Eric: Hey, look, a penny. Jack: Hey, was it heads up? Eric: Is that the side with the head on it? Jack: Yeah. Eric: Yeah, than it was heads up, yeah. Jack: Well, than you, my friend, are the proud owner of a lucky penny. Eric: What? What, really? I’ve never had one of these before, what are the rules? Jack: It’s easy, alright? It’s just a superstition. Eric: No, no. I feel something. I felt something the second I touched this penny. Jack: Why can’t you just react like a normal person? Eric: (Holds up penny) I AM LUCKY!!! Rachel: (Approaches) What now? Jack: Oh, yeah, he found a little shiny penny. Rachel: Oh…? Eric: (To Rachel) Do you want to see my lucky penny? (Holds it in her face then violently yanks it away) (Yelling) No! My lucky penny! Rachel: Wow, this must be your lucky day, Eric. Eric: No, no, no, no, Shhhhh… Not my lucky day… My lucky life. Rachel: It’s a nice penny. Eric: (Eyes Rachel suspiciously) I see what you’re tying to do. You’re trying to seduce me for my penny. Rachel: (Faking) You caught me. I’m hot for your penny. Eric: Evil temptress. Rachel: Oh, well, that’s me. See, if you had a nickel, I’d probably marry you. (Gets in his face seductively) That’s how badly I want you! Eric: (Holds out hand to Jack, behind him) Dude, give me a nickel. [SCENE – Cory & Topanga’s Apartment. Cory is on the phone with a headset] Cory: (Unenthusiastically) Hello. Is this Mr. Leon... n*zi? Can you read? (Pause) Good for you. Because I’m gonna read you our list of magazines. Now there are 700 here so please don’t hang up before I finish because I don’t like it and it’s mean to me. Ready? Here we go. (Reading from notebook) Aardvark… (Turns page) Hello? Hello? (Redials angrily, taps phone while waiting during ringing) I told you not to do that, n*zi. Now we’re gonna have to start all over again. Here we go. (Reading) Aardvark… Hello? n*zi? (Redials more angrily, twitches while waiting during ringing) You know what, n*zi? You have a stupid name! Topanga: (Enters) Cory, you’ll never guess what happened to me at work today. Cory: (To n*zi) I can’t talk now, n*zi, my wife’s home. I’ll call you later. (Hangs up) Topanga: Cory, I have the best news I can’t wait to tell you. Cory: This… Is gonna be the kind of job… Where I take aspirin… A lot! (Walks past her) How ya doin’? (Exits) Topanga: (Sits on couch and puts on Cory’s headset. Dials a number) Hello? (Pause) Hi! Is this Donna Santa Angelo? Oh, great, this is Topanga. (Pause) Oh, you’re so sweet. Donna’s a great name, too. Anyway, I’m one of those annoying magazine people who call at the worst time. (Cory reenters with aspirin bottle. He’s struggling to open it) Yeah, don’t you just hate us? Cory: Yeah, like you’re gonna sell a magazine. I couldn’t sell one magazine, and I’m in the business! Topanga: (To phone) What? Um, yeah, that’s one of our magazines. Uh-huh. And that. All of them? Fantastic! We’ll bill you. (Takes off headset) (To Cory) That was fun. Cory: (Stares at Topanga begrudgingly) You sold a magazine? Topanga: Eight. You must’ve sold, like, 800! How many did you sell? Tell me, tell me. Cory: Perhaps you didn’t hear me when I said “I didn’t sell one magazine, and I’m in the business” seventeen seconds ago. Topanga: Great. So Judy, she’s my boss. She calls me into her office today with two other associate editors. She asks me for my opinion on what our first cover should be. (Cory tries and fails to bite the aspirin bottle open) Apparently the other two hated the one I picked buy Judy loved the one I picked and we’re gonna use the one I picked. (Cory still can’t open it) Can you believe it? Me! The one I picked! Cory: So she promoted you. Topanga: Yes, isn’t that something? (effortlessly pops open the aspirin bottle for Cory) [SCENE – Student café. Jack and Eric enter. Shawn, Angela, and Rachel are sitting] Eric: Everybody relax! Nothing bad can happen, nothing at all, you’re with me. (Shows off his penny, which is now on a string around his neck. He breathes on it and wipes it off on his shirt) Angela: What’s going on over there? Jack: He found a lucky penny. Shawn: You really believe in that stuff, Eric? Eric: Yes, Shawn, yes I do. I’m the chose one. I’m protected. I’ve got an invisible shield all over my body (Waves hands over his body) Watch this. (Turns to football players at the pool table) Rocko! Jack: Oh, no no no, I don’t wanna get hurt. Eric: Rockoo-o! Rockoo-o! Jack: Y’know, I just hate getting hurt. Rocko: Matthews, you better have a good reason for bothering me. Jack: Let’s go, let’s go! Eric: Y’know what? I just want Rocko to clear something up, here, for me. Rocko: But your complexion, no can do. (Laughs with Eric, who is over exaggerating) Eric: (Fake Laughing) Oh, my complexion! (Circles face with finger) Jack: (Fake Laughing) Let’s go. Come on. Eric: Real quick, real quick. Jack: No. Eric: I just have one question for Rocko. Just curiously, as an athlete on the football team, is it a distraction being gay? (Jack gasps) Rocko: (After a long pause of looking thr*at) Thank you. Eric: It’s okay. Jack: What? Rocko: I've been holding it in for so long. (To the other football players) Fellas, I'm gay. Football Player: That's okay, Rocko. So are we. Rocko: Really? Football player: Yeah. Football player 2: Sure. (Eric pats Jack’s shoulder as though he’s accomplished something. Jack looks confused, mouthing what twice) Jack: What? [Cut to outside the café. Cory is playing solitaire. Topanga approaches] Cory: (Frustrated) This is impossible. Topanga: (Seeing Cory playing solitaire) Oh, hey. Just move the nine to the ten (Does so), jack to the queen (does so, then flips a card), oh, look, got an ace. I win. (Sits down, smiling) (Cory gives her the evil eye) (Childishly) Good job, Cory. Cory: (Sarcastic) Yeah, I’m brilliant. Topanga: Well, work must be going well if you can take a break. Cory: Yeah. Well I took a long break, y’know. I quit. Topanga: You quit? Why? Cory: Because, Topanga, unlike you, I wasn’t enjoying it. Unlike you, I wasn’t good at it. Unlike you, I don’t shine at everything. (Gets up and starts walking away. Topanga follows him) I don’t shine at anything. Topanga: Honey, what’s bothering you? Cory: (entering the café with Topanga behind him) Nothing, Topanga. I’m just in a mood, okay? Topanga: (Grabs his arm and hugs him seductively) Is there anything I can do to cheer you up? Topanga know what Cory like. (Tries to kiss him but is pushed away) Cory: No… no… Topanga: But I love you. Want to go home, huh? Want to go home and have pooky-pook? Cory: No, Topanga… No pooky-pook. Topanga: Why not? Cory: Because (steps away) you’re better at pooky-pook than I am, too! (walks away) [Cut to Rachel playing pool with Eric] Rachel: Aw, look how cute, they’re having their first fight. Topanga: (To Cory) Cory, I don’t like that you can’t talk to me about this. Cory: Topanga: Look, I just… I… (Stuttering) I don’t want to say anything that I’m gonna regret. Rachel: (To Eric) Do you think maybe we should leave? Eric: No, I want to see Topanga make Cory cry. Topanga: (To Cory) I mean, Cory, whatever bug you have up your butt why are you blaming it on me? Cory: Topanga. If you’re as smart as you’re A-streak says you are you know just to leave me alone right now. Topanga: This is about my grades? Angela: (Interjecting) This is not about your grades. Cory: Yes, it is. It’s about how you shove your stupid grades in my face. Or how you get promoted. Or you sell one of my subscriptions. Topanga: Wow, well I’m sorry that I tried to help you with your little magazine project. Cory: It’s not a project, okay? Sticker books are a project. This is my career. Shawn: (Interjecting) (Chuckling) Cory, come on, it wasn’t your career. Cory: (To Shawn) Shut up. Shawn: (Quietly) Yow… (Steps back) Cory: My life is just as important as your life even if I don’t do my life as good as you. Topanga: As well as you. Cory: (Shocked) What? Topanga: (Uncomfortably) I was just say that it’s not “as good as you.” Cory: Are you crazy, Topanga? Are you kidding me that you’d say something like that right now? Topanga: (Yelling) Cory, this whole thing is crazy! Angela: Yeah, it really is… Topanga: (Jabs a finger at Angela) Sit down! Angela: (Quietly) You… (Steps back) Cory: Well at least I’m not a hoity toity, photo assistant, kiss-Judy’s-tushy! Topanga: Maybe I have to kiss Judy’s tushy because you can’t sell one stinking magazine. Shawn: (Unconfortably) Okay… That’s it… (Walks away with Rachel, Eric, and Angela) Cory: What did you just say? Topanga: (Defensively) I just said that you haven’t been doing all that well… Cory: (Interrupting, increasing volume) No… No… No! That is not what you said. You said I’m a loser, Topanga! I know you said it because I heard it. I heard it from your big mouth! Topanga: (Yelling) Oh. I have a big mouth, now!? Cory: Yeah. Topanga: You can’t even play solitaire, imbecile! Did you hear that okay from my big mouth? Cory: Y’know, Topanga, I used to be able to. I used to be able to do a lot of things, before I married you. Congratulations! You k*lled my spirit! (Topanga looks at him shocked, then exits) I win. You leave, I win. Bye! (Realizing he did something bad) Oh, man… -Commercial Break- [SCENE – Student café. Cory and Shawn are sitting on the couch, talking] Cory: I said she k*lled my spirit. Shawn: Well… Marriage is a new situation, there’s lots of new stress on you… Cory: You know, this is our first fight, ever? What am I supposed to do? Shawn: Well… She left crying. Y’know my mother and father fought all there lives. And one of them always walked out. One day, one of them never came back. It’s bad, in my experience, when someone walks out crying. Cory: So what do I do? Shawn: You go home, hope she’s still there… Cory: Oh, no… Shawn: And if she is, you lock the door and have it out. Cory: Like a steel cage match? Shawn: No one leaves until the fight’s over. Cory: I just wish I hadn’t said what I said. Shawn: But you did. So obviously something’s bothering you. Cory: What? Shawn: Don’t figure it out with me, those days are long gone. There’s only one person that can help you here. Eric: (Pops up from behind couch) And it’s me. Shawn: (Like he’s scolding a puppy) Eric, no! Eric: (To Shawn) Why don’t you cram it, talk boy? That’s all you’re good for is talk. Oh, talkkity talk, talkkity talk talk talk, talkkity talk talk! Oh, look! Oh, look it’s great! Trailer boy’s got all the answers! Y’know, trailer boy? There’ something you don’t have. BAM! (Sticks penny in Shawn’s face) Penny! (To Cory) Hey. Cory: Hey. Eric: I love you, Cory, you’re my brother. (Cory nods) That’s why I’m gonna give you my penny. Cory: Eric. That penny’s been so lucky for you. Eric: Now it’s going to be lucky for you. If I could just have a second. (Stands up and looks at penny, making the sad lip) (To penny) Thank you, penny, for all you have taught me. For you have taught me confidence, and with that confidence I know, that I no longer need luck. So I intend to go on in life… penny-less… (removes penny from neck and puts it on Cory, holding back tears) Cory: Eric, that’s very nice. Are you sure about this? Eric: (Nods, swallows) Yes. (To penny) Good luck, old gal. (To Cory) You take care of her. And yourself. (Give Cory a hug) Shawn: Okay (Gets up, walks away) Cory: Bye (Follows Shawn) (The room empties so Eric is alone) Eric: (Thunder outside) That’s weird, looks like rain. Good thing I’m inside. (Gets struck by lightning twice. His clothes become torn and burnt, and his face and hair are ashy) Oh, well. At least I didn’t get wet. (A janitor walks up and dumps a bucket of water on Eric) Thank you! (Twitches from electrical current) [SCENE – Cory & Topanga’s apartment. Cory enters from front door. The room is empty] Cory: Oh, no… Topanga?! Topanga?! Topanga: (Enters from back) I’m here. Cory: Hi. (Topanga sits on the couch and plays solitaire) You’re playing solitaire? Topanga: Yeah. Cause I was alone. I played nineteen games. Cory: Did you win them all? (Topanga looks at him) Sorry. Topanga: Yeah. Cory: Look, could you put the cards away? I need to talk to you. Topanga: Oh, you have something you want to say to me, now? Cory: I’m sorry about what happened. I’m deeply, deeply sorry… Y’know? And I do take back what I said to you. Topanga: (Expecting more) Uh-huh. Cory: That’s all I get is “Uh-huh”? Topanga, I just apologized! Now it’s your turn? Topanga: No. That’s not the way it works. Cory: What, I don’t apologize good enough for you, either? Topanga: Oh, is that what that was?! [Cut to later. Cory is laying on the couch, Topanga is pacing back and forth] Topanga: You haven’t said anything for an hour. Cory: I’m afraid to say anything. Topanga: Why? Cory: I don’t know. Topanga: You know. Cory: I think I know better whether I know or not, okay? Topanga: Well then I guess I know you better than you do. Cory: Of course you do, Topanga. [Cut to later. They’re standing in front of the couch, talking] Topanga: Cory, unless we tell each other what is going on then we cannot be truthful. This is our first fight. Cory: Ever. Topanga: Then let’s make it mean something. Tell me what’s going on. Cory: You want the truth? Topanga: Truth. Cory: Sit down. (She does) I’ll be happy to tell you the truth. (He sits) Ever since I’ve known you, okay? I had an idea, you had a better one. I got a good grade, you get a better one. I get into Pennbrooke, you get into Yale. Topanga: I didn’t go because of you! Cory: I understand that, Topanga, believe me, that’s all part of this. Topanga: Go on. Cory: So I got a job. But you, of course, you get a better one. What’s next? (Stands) I mean, Topanga, I understand that you’re better than me, okay? But why, why do you have to shove it in my face? Topanga: You think I’m better than you? Cory: I know you are. You make me not think very much of myself. Topanga: (Speechless) I do what? [Cut to later. Topanga is laying on a pillow on the floor. Cory is standing nearby] Topanga: I’ve k*lled your spirit. Cory: Topanga, don’t. Topanga: I’ve caused you pain. Cory: No, look, I’m okay. (Sits in front of couch) Topanga: (Sits up) I would never want to cause you pain. I want you to be happy. Everything I ever did was just trying to impress you. Cory: Really? Topanga: No… Sometimes… Sometime for me… Mostly for me… Twice for you. (Looks at him) A lot for you. Cory: Why for me? Topanga: Because I always knew you were worth it. Cory: Why? Topanga: Because you believed in us. You were the one who held this relationship together when I was afraid of this relationship. You were the one who taught me to have faith and love. Cory: Me? [Cut to later. They are laying on the couch together] Topanga: I don’t want you to ever feel bad about yourself. Cory: And I don’t want you to ever hold yourself back because of me. Topanga: So what do we do? Cory: We have to support each other, Topanga. Topanga: And we can’t be afraid to fight with each other. Cory: But I’m scared of you… Topanga: Cory, sometimes in our lives you’re gonna be doing better than me. Cory: When? Topanga: Or I’m gonna be doing better than you. Cory: And we’re back. Topanga: But if either one of us is doing well at all it’s because we love each other. We have to always remember that. We’re not competing, we’re a team. I would never want to k*ll your spirit because I love your spirit. [Cut to later. Cory and Topanga are on the couch. Topanga has Cory’s headset on, and is holding the microphone so they can both talk] Cory: Alright, n*zi. You’re gonna buy a magazine, y’know why? Because I’m bringing in the wife, y’know why? Because when the two of us work together, ain’t nothing gonna stop us! Topanga: Hello? Hi, I’m the wife, Topanga. (Pause) What? (Pause) Well what kind of a name is n*zi?! Cory: (Covers microphone) (Whispering) That’s what I said. Topanga: (Removes headset, hold it to Cory) He doesn’t want to talk to me. Cory: What do you mean? Topanga: He wants to talk to you. Cory: (Puts on headset) Alright, n*zi, let’s have it. Yes… Yeah… Uh-huh… Goodbye. (Removes headset) Topanga: What did he say? Cory: He just bought a one year subscription to Aardvark. Topanga: (Incredulous) Why? Cory: He said I was the most persistent person he ever met. Topanga: He did, huh? Cory: Yeah. And I think it was a compliment. (They kiss) [Tag – Cory and Topanga’s apartment, Continued from before. There’s a knock at the door. Cory answers it. It’s charred Eric] Eric: Penny. (Ash flies from his mouth, Topanga looks grossed out. Cory searches his body from the penny, then holds it out to Eric. Eric opens his mouth, and Cory puts the penny in it. Eric stumbles down, twitching. He then answers the payphone across the hall, even though it wasn’t ringing) Hello? (Cory closes the door with a huge smile)

{"type": "series", "show": "Boy Meets World", "episode": "07x13 - The Provider"}

foreverdreaming

Opening Credits [SCENE – Outside the Student Union. Topanga is reading a magazine, Cory is eating some onion rings, and Shawn and Angela are making out] Cory: (Humming, dips his onion ring in what looks like cheese sauce) Hmmm? (happily) Mmmm! Shawn, I think I’ve discovered a new taste treat. (Pulls Shawn and Angela apart) Shawn: Cory, do you mind? I’m the middle of… (Cory interrupts him by shoving an onion ring in his mouth. Shawn, pleased, takes control of the food Cory has handed to him) Mmm! Cheesy! (To Angela, dramatically) Prove that you love me. (Angela smiles, then they resume making out) Cory: (About Angela) Look at her. Like a water pick, this one. (To Topanga) Hey, how come you never lick the food off my teeth? (Gestures to Shawn & Angela) Topanga: ‘Cause we’re married now, I don’t have to. (Laughs quietly) Okay Cory, this is your last question: Do you ever have difficulty performing in bed? (Surveys the magazine with a pencil, they’re taking a magazine quiz) Cory: (Smiling, chuckling) Why don’t you tell me? Topanga: (Chuckles mockingly) Yes. (Writes in her magazine) Cory: (Quietly, upset) Hey! Topanga! Topanga: (Ignoring Cory) Alright, everyone, let’s tabulate our scores. Cory: (To Topanga, Quietly, upset) Hey! Last night I had a stummy ache. (Angela and Shawn have stopped making out, Cory looks to them and nods) (Louder, still to Topanga) And you didn’t take care of me, by the way. Topanga: (Ignoring Cory) Alright, let’s see who’s gonna live the longest. Cory: (To Topanga) Peaches, I can’t help but to notice that you’re ignoring me. Topanga: Okay, Shawn and Angela are gonna live well into their eighties. (Looks closely) According to this, I should live to be 100. (Smiles) This is fun! (Writes in magazine) Cory: What about me? What about my longevity? Topanga: (Writing) Okay, Cory, you got… (Smiles happily) Hm! Good for you, honey! Cory: (Childishly) Good for Cor, I’m gonna live to be a hundred, too! Topanga: (Still smiling, shakes her head) No! You’ve proved these people wrong by being alive right now! (Nods excitedly) Cory: Let me see that (Takes the magazine and examines it) Shawn: Cory, it’s just a magazine. Angela: Yeah, you’re not gonna take this seriously, are you? Cory: (Realizing Topanga’s results are correct) You guys wanna know what’s weird about this? Is that all of a sudden, I can’t feel my legs. Shawn: Oh, here we go… (Angela sighs) Topanga: (Looks to Shawn and Angela, wide-eyed) My life just got really bad. Cory: (Panicked) Honey, your husband can’t feel his legs, what are we gonna do about this? Topanga: (Is speechless, turns to Shawn and Angela) Movie? Anyone wanna see a movie? (Stands) Cory: Wait a minute, wait a minute. If you’re not gonna take care of me now, who’s gonna take care of me when I get old? (Topanga walks away) Angela: (With Shawn, stand) Movie? Shawn: Ooh, it’ll be dark in a movie theater. Angela: (Suggestively) Ooh! (Takes his hand, lead him into the Student Union. Topanga follows them) Cory: Honey! I’m dying and you’re going to a movie! (Pause, he’s alone) NICE WIFE!! [SCENE – The Matthews’ kitchen. Amy is setting the table when Alan enters] Alan: Hello, wife. (Walks towards her) You’ll never guess what happened down at the store today. Amy: (Excitedly) A customer came in? Alan: (Elatedly) YES! (Chuckles) And bought a tent. First one since that stinkin’ Blair Witch movie came out. You know what this means, huh? People aren’t afraid of the woods anymore! Amy: They’re camping again! Alan: YES! (They hug) Life is good! Nothing can stop us now! (Eric enters with a goofy smile) Eric: I’ve decided to join the family business! Alan: (Extremely dejected) No… no… no… no… Eric: Is this like the happiest day of your life or what! (Takes off his coat) Alan: (Turns to Eric) Eric, you can’t work in my store. Eric: Why not? Alan: (Lying) I… sold it. It’s gone. (Choking on words) …sorry! Amy: (Not happy) Alan! Eric: Y’know, that’s too bad, ‘cause Jack and Rach and I were thinking about what we were gonna do with our lives… Amy: Yeah, you a little freaked out about graduation? Eric: Well, yeah, I was! Till I realized that I wanted to work with my dad! Alan: (Briskly) Too bad! Amy: (Tugging on Alan’s jacket) Alan, this is your son! Alan: (Same as before) Too bad! (Turns to Amy, whispering) Amy, things are just starting to turn around! Amy: (Quietly, to Alan) Shame on you! Alan: (Quietly, snapping) You work with him! (Turns to Eric, almost pleading) Hey! What about school? Eric: Well, y’know, I’m only taking two classes so I can actually put in a full week Monday through Friday, but I won’t work on Saturday out of respect for my Jewish peeps. (Pounds chest) Amy: Alan, remember how we were worried about Eric’s (spelling it) f-u-t-u-r-e? Eric: (Laughs) Oh, ma. You don’t have to worry about my furniture. (Alan, dumbfounded, covers his face with his hands and falls forward onto the counter) Amy: (Trying to pull Alan up) This would be a great opportunity for his to get some real work experience. Eric: (Walks over) I was thinking the same thing, and what could be better than working with my dad? (Pulls Alan up) Alan: (Pause) Meat-packing plants. They’re better! Because… they’re in Wisconsin! Go to Wisconsin, Eric! Amy: (Laughing, pats Eric’s chest) Your father’s just kidding. (To Alan) Aren’t you? Alan: (Miserably) Yeah… I guess… Eric: Alright, good, because I got a lot of neat ideas for the store, here’s one. Now try to follow me because I’m gonna be doing a lot of this. (Waves his hand in front of his face) Alright? (Slowly) We hang little pine trees off the real pines trees to give that whole forest the new car smell. (Alan looks at him, flabbergasted, as Eric nods surely) Didja… Did you see what I just did there? See, I got tons… I got so many of these ideas (taps his temple) it like… (shakes his head quickly) it kinda frazzles me every once in a while. So I’m gonna go upstairs and I’m gonna just keep thinking about them, alright? (Runs upstairs) Alan: (Long pause. Slowly, turns and hands Amy a nearby frying pan) Take this frying pan and h*t me in the head as hard as you can. Amy: Okay. (Holds up the pan) [SCENE – Doctor’s office. Cory is in one of the rooms, sitting on the table in his boxers, socks, and an undershirt holding an empty bottle. The doctor enters] Doctor: Good morning. Cory: (Holds up a bottle) I couldn’t deliver a urine sample. Doctor: (Takes the bottle) No urine. (Puts it behind him) Okay… (Puts down his clipboard) So, what seems to be the problem? Cory: Well, doctor, I took a test yesterday (doctor puts a blood pressure tester around Cory’s arm) and it said that my type A personality and love of cheese makes me a ticking b*mb. Doctor: Hmm… What kind of a test did you take? Cory: Couples Magazine? Courtney Cox? David Arquette? Skate sh**ting issue? Doctor: Good lookin’ fella, that Arquette boy. (Doctor begins testing Cory’s pressure) Cory: (Under his breath, in agreement) Yes… So anyway, I was just, uh… my longevity results revealed that I should’ve actually died last Tuesday. (Looks at the doctor, who has frozen, with a puzzled look) Doctor: (Uninterested) Right, I see… (Checking pressure) Hmm… Cory: (Chuckles) Okay, I hate that immediately. Doctor: Well… Sometimes patients get a little nervous coming in, their pressure goes up. Cory: (Relieved) Oh, good. Doctor: Although I’m just not certain that’s happening here, in your case. (Removes the tester) Cory: Wait a minute, doctor. You really think there’s something wrong with me? Doctor: Why? Would you like there to be something wrong with you? Cory: (Laughs nonchalantly) No. Why would I want something to be wrong with me? That would just be… crazy. Doctor: Right, do you have any history of mental illness in the family? (Holds light to Cory’s eyes to test them) Cory: Uhh… no I don’t. I do have an uncle who thinks he’s Sammy Sosa. Doctor: Hmm, institutionalized? Cory: Yeah, but they let him out for Spring Training. (The doctor feels the side of Cory’s throat) Is there a reason you’re asking me all these serious questions? Doctor: Mmmm-hm! (Picks up clipboard, looks at it) I see in my notes here you’ve got a, uh… (Clears throat) Tummy ache, that your brain hurts, and you’ve lost all feeling in your legs. Cory: Could you tell my wife that? I want you to write her a note. Doctor: Right, it says here you’re a newlywed. Things going well with the wife? Cory: Why, because she’s not here? Is that what makes you question my marriage? Doctor: (Ignoring Cory’s remarks) Ever have trouble performing in bed? Cory: (Taken aback, then leans in, whispering) Why, did she call you? Doctor: (Looks at Cory, then back to his clipboard) No, she didn’t. You’re very sensitive about all this, aren’t you? Cory: Yes, I am, doctor. Doctor: Are you gay? Cory: (Surprised) No, are you? Doctor: Yes, I am. I’d like to check you for hernia now. (Puts down his clipboard) Cory: (Nods) Okay, good. I want that and every other test you’ve got, because we are not gonna stop until we find something wrong with me. Doctor: I’m a firm believer that the patient knows his body best. Where would you like to start? Cory: My armpit hurts, (Lifts up his left arm, points to his armpit_ right here, and this one. Right there. Doctor: (Interested) Okay, let’s… (Looks closely) Mm-hm… [SCENE – Matthews’ kitchen. Alan and Feeny are talking at the table. Amy, also in the conversation, walks over with a pot of coffee] Alan: And you should see him with the customers. I’m telling you, this kid has a real affinity for people. (Turns to Amy) Amy, everybody’s crazy about him. Amy: (Pours Alan some coffee) So Eric did good. Alan: (A bit surprised) Yeah, he actually did good! Amy: You seem surprised. (Pours Feeny coffee) Feeny: Eric was always a people person. Amy: Yeah, we know that. But we also realized that Eric’s… y’know… Alan: (Finishing her sentence) Nuts. Alan: (Defiantly) No! Eccentric! Eric has always marched to the b*at of a different drum. Feeny: Most creative people do. Alan: Well, I’m just glad he did well. Amy and I have spent a lot of sleepless nights worrying about Eric. Amy: Well, of course I worried but I always believed he’d be okay. Alan: Yeah, well, I wasn’t so sure. Feeny: Why? Alan: George, you’re his teacher, you know why. Feeny: No, I’m afraid I don’t. Amy: Alan, what’re you getting at? Alan: (Holds up hands) Nothing! (Stands) ‘Kay? Don’t g*ng up on me. (Walks to the counter) Feeny: Eric always did the best he could. That’s the most I can ask from anybody. Alan: (Places a plate of cookies on the table) Well, we’re talking about Eric stepping out into the real world, it’s not so easy out there. Feeny: No, it isn’t. And I understand your concern for you children, Alan. Alan: (Sits) Eric. I’m concerned about Eric. My other kids are doing just fine. (Eric enters) Eric: Howdy! Feeny: Eric! Your parents tell me you’re doing very well at the store. Eric: Really? Well, you know what? This has been, like, one of the greatest days in my life. (Takes a soda from the fridge) I’m telling you something, Mr. Feeny, I think I finally found my niece. Feeny: (Correcting him) Niche. Eric: (Thinking Feeny’s wrong) Niche? (makes a gesture of drinking alcohol to Alan) Alan: (Remembering) Oh! (Grabs an envelope from behind him) Ooh, Eric, Hey! I got something to show you… (Pulls a board from the envelope reading “Matthews & Son Outdoor Adventures” and presents it proudly) Eric: Will you look at that? Amy: “Matthews and Son, Outdoor Adventures.” Alan, what is this? Alan: Well, it’s a mock-up of the new sign I’m gonna have made. Huh? (To Feeny) What do you think of that, George? Feeny: I think it’s, uh, very nice. Eric: (Giddily) Feen-ay? Look at that! I got a job after graduation, look. (Following the words with his finger) Matthews and son. (Points to himself) It’s like I finally got a future! (Pats Alan’s back) Thanks, man! (Exits) Alan: (To Amy) He’s got a future. Doesn’t have to go out into the world and get disappointed. That’s what’s important. Amy: No, there’s one more important thing. Alan: What? Amy: You have no faith in your son. [SCENE – Alan’s store. Eric is ringing up a customer while Alan looks on with Jack and Rachel to one side of him and Amy and Feeny to the other.] Eric: (To the customer) All right, well, thank you so much for shopping my daddy’s store. And, uh, got a good product here. If anything goes wrong with it, you come back, you talk to me, okay? I’m Eric. Great. Why don’t I just ring you up, get you on your way. Rachel: (To Alan) y’know, Eric seems real comfortable here. Jack: Well, sure. He’s with his dad, it’s a family store. Why wouldn’t he feel comfortable? Rachel: Ugh, I wish I was comfortable. Jack: Yeah, I’d give anything to know what I was gonna do with myself. Alan: What do you mean? Rachel: We graduate in May. Jack: (Scared) Iihhh!! Rachel: Yeah, four months and we’re thrown out into the real world. Alan: You don’t know what you’re gonna do? Jack: Well, you know what? All this time, I’ve studied engineering and journalism. And now comes the time when I actually have to choose between the two of them, and I wanna be a lawyer like Rachel. Rachel: Oh! Lawyer was, like, eight careers ago. Jack: I don’t wanna be a lawyer, either. Rachel: You know what I wanna be? I wanna be Eric. He’s the lucky one. Alan: Oh, come on, you’re saying that for my benefit. Rachel: No! No. Jack: No, really. Really, he’s the only one that has a handle on things. Alan: He is? Rachel: Yeah. I mean, he’s got a job, his future’s all set. Alan: (Agreeing) Yeah! He’s the only one of you guy whose future’s all set. Imagine that… (Turns to Feeny and Amy) What do you think about that, George? Maybe you oughtta go help your other little lost sheep, huh? Go help them find their way, because Eric’s going to be just fine! Amy: Alan… Alan: What? I’m a little proud of my kid here. I admit, I was a little nervous for him. Amy: You never believed in him. Alan: No, I was a little nervous. Amy: And you still don’t believe in him. You think he will go out in the world and experience disappointment, so you wanna lock him up here. (Camera shows Eric talking to Rachel & Jack at the register) I thought if he would be here with you, he would gain experience and confidence and be ready to go out in the world, and now I think it might be the worst place for him! Alan: He’s safe here! (Referring to Jack & Rachel) And he’s a step ahead of them. [Cut over to Jack, Rachel, and Eric’s conversation] Rachel: So I was thinking med school? Jack: You’d make a great doctor. Eric: Yeah, people really love you. Rachel: Veterinarian! Eric: What? Rachel: Yeah, I mean, I love animals, I always have! And I just love to take care of them. Eric: You know, I love animals too. Would it be, like, a little shop and you’d help fix up little kids’ pets and stuff? Rachel: Yeah, and put a bunch of letters on the wall from little kids thanking me for helping their dogs. Jack: (Solemnly) What about the ones you’d have to put to sleep? Rachel: (Long pause) I’m gonna be a caterer! [Cut back to Alan, Feeny, and Amy] Alan: (To Amy) You’d rather he was confused like them? Amy: You know why they’re confused? Because they have choices. They believe they are capable of anything. Alan: Amy, not everyone is capable of anything. Feeny: Alan, eventually I have to let my students graduate. I shelter them as much as I can, but finally, I have to let them go. Amy: Yeah, we could keep Eric here. We know he would do fine. But we wouldn’t know what else he was capable of. Any you know what’s worse? Neither would he. Alan: (Defensively) Well, that’s very nice. You don’t think I know what’s best for my son, well… I do think I know what’s best for my son. Now, if you don’t mind, we have a store to run. Excuse… me! (Walks away, Amy and Feeny look at each other. Feeny shrugs) [SCENE – Cory and Topanga’s apartment. Topanga makes tea in the kitchen while Shawn and Angela sit on the couch, eating pizza] Shawn: He’s been planning his funeral. I do the eulogy. (To Angela) You get to light the eternal flame. Topanga: This is all my fault. I should’ve never given him that stupid ‘Couples’ quiz! Angela: What did the doctor say? Topanga: He stopped off there to get his test results back. But what if he actually finds out that there’s something wrong with him? Angela: Oh, there’s something wrong with him, honey! (Takes a bite of pizza) Shawn: (Clarifying) She means… here. (Taps his temple) Topanga: I know what she means! Don’t you think I know what she means? I know he’s crazy, I know everything! Do you wanna know what he won’t let me touch? “No, not there! I might get cancer!” Shawn: (Concerned, braces himself) Where? Angela: Topanga, what if there actually is something wrong with him? Topanga: Oh, please, he’s just doing this ‘cause he’s afraid I’m not gonna take care of him when he’s eighty. He’s just doing this to get attention. Angela: He is? Topanga: (Surely) Yes. Shawn: Well, why don’t you just give it to him! Topanga: Because I’d rather give him attention for acting normal! Angela: Oh, honey, we know that’s never gonna happen! Topanga: You’re right, it’s not. I married a nut! But aside from that, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with him! (Sits on the couch arm) (Cory enters dramatically, not to mention creepily) Cory: (Long pause, looks everyone over) Hello… everyone. (Enters slowly) Topanga: Here we are in hell. Cory: (Somberly) I’m glad you’re all here today. Shawn: Cory? Angela: Is there something wrong? Cory: Well, as you all know, I just came from the doctor. Topanga: You have something? Cory: Yes. I have something. You all made fun of me, but I have something, alright. (Holds up a piece of paper) It’s all right here. (Crumples paper, holds it too his chest) Right here… (To Topanga) You’re my wife. ‘Kay? You have the right to know first. (Hands Topanga the paper then goes to the window and broods) Shawn: (To Topanga) What’s it say? Topanga: (Nodding) He has hypochondria. (Shawn and Angela lose interest) Chronic and severe hypochondria. Cory: (Sadly) That’s right… (Turns to face the crew, near tears) I’m a hypochondriac! Topanga: Cory! It means that there’s nothing wrong with you! (Stands) It means you create stuff in your head! Cory: (Still sad) Yes, well. (Holds up a bottle) He gave me these placebos. Shawn: (Frustrated) Placebos are what they give to crazy people like you to make them think they’re being cured of something they don’t have! Cory: (To Shawn) Hey! I have to be on these for the REST OF MY LIFE!! Shawn: (Changing subject) Okay, so, what’s up for tonight? Movie? (Cory, pitifully, looks to Topanga) Angela: Movie. (She and Shawn stand and exit) Topanga: (Offering) Cory? Cory: (Miserably) I have a tummy ache. Topanga: (Sighs, calls to Shawn & Angela in the hall) Wait up! (Exits into hall, Cory looks hurt) [Cut to hallway, Topanga talking to Shawn and Angela] Topanga: I don’t care what that magazine said, he’s gonna outlive all of us! But if he thinks that I’m gonna take care of him for the rest of his life, he’s nuts! Shawn: Of course he is! Angela: That’s why you married him. (Topanga, knowing she’s wrong, leans back on the door] [Cut back to Cory and Topanga’s apartment. Cory is laying despondently on the couch, staring blankly into space. Topanga reenters] Topanga: Do you want a blanket? (Drops her coat) Cory: (Smiles) Oh, that would be swell. But not wool! Wool chafes my nippies! Topanga: (Laughs quietly, throws a blanket over Cory) Do you want me to make you some tea, then? Cory: You know what I really want? Topanga: (Warmly) What? Cory: I want you to come and sit next to me and hold my hand until I fall asleep. Topanga: (Sentimentally) That’s what you want? Cory: Yeah. (Pushes away a segment of the blanket, leaving space for Topanga to sit) I do. (Topanga sits next to him and they hold hands. Cory gets comfortable and closes his eyes) Topanga: Is this what our life is gonna be like? Cory: (Whispering) Could ya talk softer? Topanga: (Whispering) Is this what our life is gonna be like? Cory: Well, sometimes you’ll be sick and I’ll take care of you. Topanga: That sounds nice. Cory: I just wanna know that we’ll always take care of each other. Topanga: Do you feel better? Cory: Well, isn’t this better than going to the movies? Topanga: (Nods) Yeah, it is. Cory: Then I feel better. Topanga: (Rubs his hand affectionately) Good. Cory: But I’m gonna close my eyes now. (Does do) I think the placebos are kickin’ in. (Goes into a goofy, subdued stupor. Topanga kisses his hand, then picks up a nearby copy of “Couples Magazine” and reads) [SCENE – Alan’s store, after hours. Alan is at register as Eric comes up to the front, trotting down the steps, carrying a tent bag] Eric: Just think! Last week I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and now I know just what I should be. (Puts down the bag, points to Alan appreciatively) And you helped me find out. Alan: Is this what you really wanna be, Eric? Eric: (Unsurely) Sure… Y’know, I mean, I hear Jack and Rachel talking all the time, y’know… Doctor, lawyer, journalist, engineer… It’s just, they all sounded really confused. (Paces behind the counter to a camping tent display) Alan: Hey, remember when you wanted to be a weatherman? Eric: (Laughs) Yeah. That was crazy, huh? Alan: (Steps closer) Why? Eric: ‘Cause I could never be that. (He and Alan sit on camping chairs in the display) Alan: Why not? Why couldn’t you be a weatherman? Eric: You really gotta be on the ball to be a weatherman. I mean, you gotta know about meteorology and all that stuff. Plus, I get really sad when people lose their homes in floods. Alan: Would you rather work here for the rest of your life or would you rather be a weatherman? Eric: (Thinks) I think I’d rather be a veterinarian. (Alan chuckles) Yeah. I mean, I heard Rachel talking about it. It sounded like something I’d wanna do, too, but… (Rhetorically) Can’t be that either, can I? Alan: Well, if you could be anything you wanted to be, what would you choose? Eric: Either a veterinarian so I could help animals. Or a weatherman so I could warn people when there’s a flood… or when there’s sunshine. (Smiles wistfully) Crazy, huh? Alan: (Shakes head) No. No, that’s not crazy. (Enter Jack and Rachel) Eric: Oh, great. (Stands) Now I sound as confused as these guys. (Goes to the register to talk) Alan: (To himself) Yeah. Yeah, you do… Rachel: (To Eric) So, you ready for dinner? Eric: Oh, no, you know what? Not gonna be able to go. Yeah, tomorrow’s the start of the big ski season, so we’re having a big clearance sale. Gotta be here to help my dad, you guys are gonna have to go on without me. (Points to the door) Rachel: Aww.. Jack: (Disappointed) Okay… Alan: (Stopping them) No! (Stands) Uh, no, I don’t want you to go on without him. (To Eric) You go with your friends. Eric: (Points to back) But all the skis, I mean, we gotta… Alan: (Interrupting) Don’t worry about it, I’ll take care of the skis. Eric: You’re sure you can do this without me? Alan: (Nodding) I’m sure. You be with your friends. I belong here, you belong with your friends. Eric: (Skeptically) You sure? Alan: I am. I am, now. Eric: Alright. (Walks around the counter to his friends) Jack: (To Eric and Rachel) Hey, you know what? I think I got it. What about… architecture? Eric: Now that’s something I think you’d be good at! (Taps Jack’s chest) Jack: Sweet… (Alan smiles at their interaction) Rachel: I’ve decided to be a corporate art buyer. Eric: (Impressed) Wow! (Short pause) What is that? Rachel: (Smiling) I don’t know! (Meekly) I think I made it up… (Amy enters carrying Josh) Amy: Hi! Eric: Hey mommy! Hey Joshie! Rachel & Jack: (With Eric’s previous line) Hey! Rachel: (Turns to Eric, looking enlightened) Pediatrician! Jack: Me too! Eric: Me too! (Alan is still smiling about his son’s conversation) Jack: Well, it’s settled, then. Rachel: (Next 7 lines in rapid succession) Good! Jack: Good! Eric: Great! Jack: Alright. Rachel: (Merrily) Let’s go! Jack: Let’s go! Rachel: (To Amy and Josh) Bye! Eric: (To Josh, very cute) See ya, baby brother! (Eric, Rachel, and Jack exit, Amy approaches the counter) Alan: He’s a good kid, Amy. He’ll be okay. I’m scared for him, I’m scared for all of ‘em! Amy: Well, did you do your best for him? Alan: (Grabs his coat) I did. Amy: Then he’ll be okay. (Props Josh up) (About Eric) He’s your son. Alan: (Puts on coat) He’s our son. He’s our son out in the world. Shelter him as long as you can, but then you gotta let him go. That’s what we do, hm? (Takes Josh) How about you, Joshie? How you doin’? (Alan smiles and chuckles quietly at his adorable baby son. He then opens the door and lets Amy out, turns of the lights, then exits, closing the door behind him) [TAG – Cory and Topanga’s apartment. Continued from earlier, Cory and Topanga are napping on the couch. There is a knock at the door, waking them both up] Topanga: (Sits up) I’ll get it. (Stands, goes over and opens the door. Uncle Maury, and old man, is there in a baseball uniform with a blue cap. On the back of his blue shirt, “Sammy” is written in yellow) Uncle Maury: (To Topanga) Are you the wife? Topanga: (Turns to Cory) Uh… Cory? Uncle Maury: (Shakes Topanga’s hand) It’s nice to meet ya. I’m Sammy Sosa! (Mimics swinging a bat, then does Sammy’s think-God kiss where he kisses his fingers and taps his chest in rapid succession, then waves his hand forward. <It’s kind of a baseball thing, you gotta see it to know it>) Cory: (Sits up happily) Uncle Maury! (Stands) They let you out? (Topanga shuts the door) Uncle Maury: I’m in town three days to play against the Phillies. Topanga: It’s January. Uncle Maury: (To Topanga) I’m nuts, didn’t he tell ya? (Points to Cory) Cory: You came all the way to see me? Uncle Maury: (Affectionately) Hey… Cory: Come here! (They hug) Uncle Maury: I heard you had the hypo-cond-eria! (Rubs Cory’s side) (Cory nods) Topanga: Can I make you some tea, Uncle Maury? Uncle Maury: (Confused) Who? Topanga: (Correcting herself) Uncle Sammy Sosa! Uncle Maury: (Pleased) Yeah… (Does the Sammy Sosa kiss thing again, then laughs) (Seriously) No tea. Tea makes me sleepy. You see, I gotta keep wide awake so I can catch that bum, McGuire! (Claps hands, takes a baseball from his back pocket) I forgot! (To Cory) Sit down! (Uncle Maury and Cory sit) I brought you an autographed baseball from all the boys at Sunnyvale. (Hands Cory the baseball) Cory: Oh! Look at this! (Reading the names) Ken Griffey Junior, Orel Hershieser, Princess Margaret, Patsy Kline, Dagwood Bumstead, Rin Tin Tin, (Impressed) Catherine Zeta-Jones! (Nudges Uncle Maury) What’s she like? (Chuckles) Uncle Maury: (Looks up to Topanga, then speaks quietly to Cory) I’ll tell ya later in the spaceship. (Two large men in white jumpsuits enter) There’s the rest of my outfield! (Jumps into one of the men’s arms, then tips his cap as he’s carried out) (The three are about to exit, but Topanga stops them) Topanga: Wait! Wait, wait! (Points to Cory) You forgot him! (The other large man goes over to Cory and puts his hand on Cory’s shoulder. Cory briefly considers it, then jumps into the man’s arms. Cory points to the door, urging them onward) Topanga: Bye, honey! Cory: (As he’s carried out) Bye! Topanga: I love you! (Shuts the door)

{"type": "series", "show": "Boy Meets World", "episode": "07x14 - I'm Gonna Be Like You, Dad"}

foreverdreaming

Opening Credits (SCENE – Angela and Rachel's dorm. Shawn and Angela are making out on her bed. Cory and Topanga are reading and eating popcorn on the other bed.) Shawn: (Noticing Cory & Topanga and stops kissing) Hey, how come you guys aren’t going at it? Cory: Shawnie, you don’t understand what I got here. I mean, once you start up this engine, it’s nonstop to Puerto Rico. Angela: (Sarcastic) Oh, well isn’t he romantic. Topanga: I don’t even know what he’s talking about. Cory: That’s right. Papa don’t make sense. (Enter Rachel) Rachel: (Angrily) I hate this job. “Rachel, the shower drain’s clogged.” “Rachel, someone puked in the hall, go clean it up.” “Rachel, the candy machine’s out of corn nuts.” Shawn: It is? Well fix it! Rachel: I am a resident advisor, not a vending machine stuffer. I took this job for the one stinking perk they give you, you know what that is? Angela: Good roommate? Rachel: A parking spot! That’s what I get. A place to park my little beetle near my room. Cory: (Scurries to Angela’s bed next to Shawn, carrying popcorn bowl) I’ve never seen our favorite red head so fiery. I like it. Rachel: I had to walk a mile and a half because of some stupid, selfish, spot-grubbing moron. Shawn: Maybe the moron didn’t know it was yours. Rachel: (Accusing) You! You parked in my spot? Shawn: Don’t have a hissy fit! (He and Shawn both have some popcorn) Rachel: If you don’t move your car right now I will use my power as RA to make sure you do so! Shawn: Whoa! Whoa-oa-oa! (Cory Laughs) What are you gonna do? Ban me from the soda machine? (Cory laughs) Revoke my corn nut privileges? Cory: (Laughing) She can’t do that. Shawn: (To Cory) Because there aren’t any! Cory & Shawn: (To Rachel) Ha! Rachel: Okay, that’s it, that’s it! You’re breaking rules right now because you’re in the dorms after hours. I am banning you from the dorm. Get out. Shawn: (Laughs, then stops) (To Angela) Can she do that? Rachel: I just did. Good bye. Shawn: Well I am shocked and dismayed. Cory: Well, no, You can’t be both, you’ll be shocked I’ll be dismayed. (To Topanga) Wifey! We’re leaving. Walk behind me. Topanga: I’m staying. Cory: (To Shawn) You hear that, shocked? She’s staying. (Walks over to Rachel and points) You are gonna be sorry, home wrecker. Shawn: Oh yeah. (He and Cory exit indignantly) Topanga: Uh-oh. Rachel: Uh-oh, what? Topanga: Trust me, Rachel, I’ve known Cory and Shawn longer than you have, you do not want to make them upset. Rachel: Oh, I’m not scared of them. Topanga: Well maybe you should be. They’re maniacs. [Cut to much later. Topanga has left. We see Rachel sleeping. A car alarm goes off and lights flash in Rachel’s face. Rachel looks up at her clock, but that’s not where the alarm is coming from] Angela: Uh, Rachel? (Rachel looks and sees her red beetle sitting in her dorm. Angela is up, too) Alarm: Step away from the car. (Rachel screams) [Cut to student café. The scream is still heard. Cory and Shawn sip their coffee, laugh, then clink mugs] -Commercial Break- [SCENE – Student café. Cory and Shawn are there. Rachel enters, pointing, with Angela and Feeny] Rachel: There they are! Cory: (Happily) Hey! There they are! Mr. Feeny! (Salutes) Angela! (Salutes) (Less happy) Resident Advisor McGuire. (Salutes) Shawn: Good morning Angela, my (French accent) Angela. Angela: Shut it. Shawn: What’re you, mad at me? Angela: I nearly broke my toe trying to get over a car on the way to the closet. Cory: (Acting) A car? Cory & Shawn: In your room? Shawn: Isn’t that a violation of dorm rules? Cory: Y’know we should report her to the authorities. (He and Shawn stand) Shawn: But she is the authorities. (They look at each other) Cory & Shawn: (To Angela, yelling) There’s a car in your room, lady! Rachel: Oh, you both think you’re so clever don’t you? Shawn: Yeah, pretty much, pretty much. (Cory laughs in agreement) Cory & Shawn: (Pointing at each other) You’re good. No, you’re good. Rachel: Get ‘em, Feeny. Feeny: Gentlemen, this kind of behavior is juvenile and unbefitting of college h*m*. Did you really put a car in her room? (Cory nods) That’s great! (He shares a laugh with Cory & Shawn, then sees Rachel and stops) However, kinds of antics will not be tolerated. How did you do it? Cory: (Grabs a car part from behind a pillow) Looky, looky! Looky, looky! Rachel: Mr. Feeny! Feeny: I’m sorry, Miss McGuire, but there are no rules on the books about putting cars in rooms. Was there loud music emanating from the car? Rachel: No. Feeny: Then you got nothin’. Rachel: They set off my alarm to wake me up. Feeny: (Turns and looks at Cory & Shawn seriously) Well that’s just plain brilliant! (They share a laugh) Rachel: You’re not gonna teach them a lesson? Feeny: No. And you can’t make me. Rachel: Okay, for the past two years I’ve had to endure all these stories about the great Mr. Feeny and his amazing lessons and now they put a Volkswagen in my room and you have not one lousy lesson? Feeny: Alright, here’s a lesson: relax. Take a nice drive… into your closet. (Cory and Shawn erupt with laughter) Cory: (Laughing) Feeny! Shawn: (Laughing) Feeny! (Gives Feeny high five, who gives Cory a high five) Rachel: You all disgust me. Feeny: Oh, can it, McGuire, they got you. Ha ha… (Exits) Rachel: Well… I hope you know this means w*r. Cory: w*r? Shawn: With us? Trust me, babe, you don’t wanna go there. Cory: Cory and Shawn are undefeated in matters such as these. (To Shawn) Did you see how I referred to myself in the third person for emphasis? Shawn: I thought that was a nice touch. Cory: Cory did, too. Rachel: Don’t be so sure of yourselves. You’ve never tangled with Rachel McGuire before. Cory: (Weird, mock-Cartman voice) (Jibberish… I think. Then…) You’ve never tangled with Rachel McGuire, before. Rachel: Okay. Cory: Okay. Rachel: (Gets out a water bottle) Let’s just consider this a preview of things to come. Cory: Okay. (Rachel pours water on his head and down his shirt) Alright! Alright! (She stops) Y’know what, Shawn? I think I’m melting. Shawn: (To Angela) Oh, honey, please, please. At least do something a little bit clever. (Angela steps forward sensually, moved the bottle across Shawn’s lips, down his chest, then pours water down his pants. Once done, she flips the last drops across his stomach for effect) Your loss. Topanga: (Approaches. Puts on hand on Cory & Shawn’s shoulders) Hey guys. What’s going on, here? Rachel: They parked my car in our room. Topanga: Nice one! (Give Cory & Shawn high fives) Cory: We dedicate it to you. Rachel & Angela: Topanga! Topanga: I warned you. Angela: Topanga, join our side and teach these guys a lesson. Topanga: Sorry, guys, I have to go with them (Puts arms around Cory & Shawn) Cory: (To Topanga) Good move, go with the experience. Topanga: They need me more, they’re just not as smart. Cory & Shawn: Yeah. (Realizing) Hey! Topanga: (To Cory) Just kidding, I would never want to bet against you and Shawn. Rachel: Wait a minute, this isn’t fair. Two against three. Angela: We need more troops. Rachel: You’re right we need someone high intelligent… [Cut to sh*t of Eric trying to twist open a can in his apartment] Rachel: (Voiceover) …cagey with a crafty mind. Eric: Y’know, Jack, I’m having trouble opening this jar. Jack: That’s because it’s a can. (Rachel and Angela are standing behind him, near the front door) Rachel: We choose you. (Grabs Jack & pulls him over) Eric: No, choose me! (Topanga, Cory, and Shawn are sitting at the counter behind Eric) Angela: (To Jack) You have to be on our side, we’re outnumbered. Eric: I’ll be on your side. Shawn: Jack, you’re my brother. (Walks over)Brothers can’t be opposite sides of a w*r. (Pulls Jack over, who nods in agreement) Sorry, ladies, but that’s the way it is and there’s nothing you can do to change it. Rachel: (Seductively, takes Jack’s hand) It could be really fun being on the same side. Eric: I’m fun. Jack: You think? Topanga: Jack? You know how good Cory and Shawn are at this, you don’t wanna go against them. Rachel: (Seductively) Y’know, Jack, we were close once. Who knows what could happen when two people are caught up in the heat of battle. (Puts a hand on Jack’s cheek) Cory: Hold on! (Throws a napkin in the air) That’s a foul! (Shawn waves his arms like a ref) No fair offering cookies. Rachel: Did Jack forget just how good my cookies were? (Jack laughs) Shawn: Whoa! Rachel: Let me remind you… (Starts nibbling on Jack’s ear) Jack: IIIIII’mmm with her, guys… sorry. Shawn: Yeah, so am I. Cory: (To Topanga) Honey, would it be okay if went… no? Yeah, okay… Eric: Alright, look, I know both sides want me but I’m gonna reserve my decision until I hear all the pitches, okay? Angela: Uh, no, see your Cory’s brother, you need to go over to his side. (Pushes him to other side) Cory: No, no, no! He’s Jack’s best friend he should be on their side. (Pushes him back) Jack: Yeah, yeah, but it’d be a really unfair advantage so… (Pushes him back) Eric: (Jump up to stop the pushing) Hey! Oh, come on, stop fighting over me guys. Stop fighting for me. No, I’ve already made my decision, alright? (To Rachel) Do I get cookies? Rachel: No. Eric: How about a cr*cker? Rachel: Nothin’. Eric: Mutton? Fine, fine! (Points to Rachel) You’ll regret this one day. (To all) I’ve already decided to be on the side of uummmmmmm… (Spins around, eyes closed and pointing) (Stops, sees Cory, grabs him, puts him on the floor and sits on top) (To Cory) Shhh! Shhh! (Whispers loudly) I’m not really on your team. I’m a spy! (Sees Jack pointing, grabs him and sits on him on the couch) I’m not really on your team. I’m a spy. [SCENE – Classroom. Feeny is teaching the seven at w*r. There are some other kids in the class, but being that this is Boy Meets World, they don’t matter] Feeny: (to class. ) The civil w*r was one of the darkest moment in the history of our nation. (The seven look around suspiciously at each other.) Once united, we were now on the precipice of a terrible conflagration, which would cast friend against friend, and brother against brother. Eric: (He stands.) Mr. Feeny, this w*r must be stopped! Feeny: Your passion for the material is admiral, Mr. Matthews, but not to worry. The civil w*r was fought over 100 years ago. Eric: Oh, no one cares about that crap, I'm talking about now! C'mon, make 'em call it off. I just don't want to see anybody get hurt. Feeny: Mr. Matthews, I have not idea what you're talking about. (Deadpan.) And that's the way, uh-huh uh-huh, I like it. (to class.) Tomorrow, we'll being with the first sh*ts fired on Fort Sumter. (Everyone but Cory, Shawn, & Topanga get up to leave. Of those who get up, everyone except Angela, Jack, Rachel, and Eric actually do so. Shawn tries to grab Angela's hand as she walks by, but she pulls away.) Shawn: Hey, come on, I was just looking for a little kiss. Jack: (Over Angela's shoulder.) Don't do it. Rachel: (Over he other shoulder) He’s on the other side. Shawn: Angela, it’s still me. Angela: Alright, but put your hand where I can see them. Topanga: Hey, that goes both ways. Hands up. (Shawn and Angela kiss, weakly, with their hands up) Cory/Topanga/Jack/Rachel: Booooo!!!! Eric: C'mon, c'mon. Stop, stop! I can't take this anymore. Friend against friend, brother against brother, don't you realize that nothing good can come from this? (He grabs Rachel's hand & holds it up.) We surrender! Rachel: (She pulls hand back down.) No we don't. Eric: (He grabs Cory's hand & does the same.) Then, we surrender. Cory: (He pulls hand away.) Get away from me. Eric: (He whispers loudly, to Cory.) C'mon, no, I'm a spy! I'm on both sides remember? With the... ssshhhhhhhh!! (He tries to move Cory our of his desk, but he is stuck.) Hey. Cory: Hey! I'm stuck! Shawn: Oh, superglue on the chairs! Topanga: This skirt is ruined! Eric: Oh, no, no. Friend against friend... Shawn: Ha, ha, ha, the old superglue trick, amateurs. Eric: Wait, you're not mad? Cory: Eric, this is nothing. It's not even clever. Jack: You don't think so? Shawn: Not worthy of comment. (Eric exits.) Rachel: Well, what if it isn't over? Topanga: Huh? (Rachel pulls a chain hanging next to the door, waves goodbye, then exits with Jack and Angela. Something drips from above right onto her books.) Ew. (She touches it, inspects it, then looks up. A large amount of golden goo falls on Cory, Topanga, & Shawn's heads.) Honey. Cory: What? Topanga: No, honey! Cory: What?! Topanga: It's honey, idiot! Cory: Ooh, I love honey! (He starts licking Topanga's honey-covered hand.) Shawn: Okay, so we're glued to the seats and we're sticky. Cory: Eh... It's pretty good, it's not great. (We hear a roar. There is a bear in the classroom doorway.) Now it's great. (Cory, Shawn, & Topanga get up, tearing their pants & dive out the window.) [SCENE – Student café. Still honey-covered, Cory, Shawn, and Topanga and gone to tell Feeny what happened.] Feeny: A bear? A ferocious predator mauling about my classroom? Well, you must have been… glued to your seats! (Laughs, walks away) Cory: We could have died! Feeny: Yeah… (Snaps fingers) (Exits) Topanga: Alright, what are we gonna do to retaliate, what are we gonna do to get ‘em back. We are gonna get ‘em back, right? Cory: Down, Catwoman, down. Shawn: We’ll get ‘em, don’t worry. Topanga: Tell me, tell me, what are we gonna do? [SCENE – Student café. Cory and Shawn are clean and drinking coffee on the couch. Eric is playing pool. Jack, Rachel, and Angela enter] Cory: Hey. Jack: Hey. Shawn: Hey. Angela: Hey. Rachel: Hey. You had enough now that you know who you’re dealing with? Jack: Ready to discuss terms of surrender? Angela: Can you bear to continue? Eric: Come on, somebody surrender already, let’s just be done with this! Cory: No. No surrender. Shawn: And, speaking of bare… (There’s a large crowd in the café’s corner) Rachel: What’s that all about? Shawn: We don’t know… (Rachel pushes the crowd away and see what they’re looking at: a “seductive” picture of Rachel in high heels with a white feather boa. Cory and Shawn erupt with laughter. Rachel turns and looks at them despairingly) Rachel: …how could you…? (Starts to cry) (Jack points at Shawn & Cory thr*at, then tear the life-size poster off the wall. There is another behind it, so he tears off that one, too. When there is another one behind that, he simply moves Rachel in front of it so she blocks the picture) Eric: Y’know, I knew it. I knew this was gonna happen. -Commercial Break- [SCENE – Student café, continued from earlier] Eric: (To Cory & Shawn) You only have yourselves to blame for this. I hope you feel really bad. Cory: Look, Rachel, I’m really sorry. We were just picking it up a step that all. I mean, you look really good in the picture. Right Shawn? Shawn: Yeah, really good. I even made a wallet size for myself, here. (Takes it out and shows it to her) Angela: Rip it up. Shawn: Okay. (Does so) Angela: You went too far, Shawn, this was bad. Rachel: Oh, Angela, like I don’t know whose side you’re really on? Angela: What are you talking about? I’m on your side. Rachel: I had that picture made when Jack and I were dating and I’ve had it under my bed ever since. Jack: I’ve missed it like crazy. Rachel: You were the only one who had access to it. Cory: Uh-oh… Angela: Rachel, I would never… Rachel: Sure you would, he’s your boyfriend. Angela: But you’re my roommate I can believe you’re accusing me. Rachel: Oh, you never let Shawn into our room? Angela: (To Shawn) You said you left a book in my room. Cory: (More panicked) Uh-oh. Rachel: I knew it. Angela: (Stands) I can’t believe you lied to me! Shawn: w*r, Angela, the thing all’s fair in? Angela: Oh, no, you betrayed my trust for a sick joke? Cory: (More panicked) Uh-oh! Rachel: Wait a minute, how did you even know about the picture? (Her, Shawn, and Angela turn to Jack) Cory: (More panicked) Uh-oh!! Rachel: (To Jack) You showed it to Shawn? Jack: Once, alright, when we were still dating a long time ago. Only because he showed me a picture of Angela. Angela: Hey! (Slaps Shawn) You show him that? Cory: (Stands) Hey! (Slaps Shawn) How come I never get to see nothin’? Rachel: (To Jack) That was a private gift from me to you. Jack: I know, I know, I’m sorry. (To Shawn) I can’t believe you, man. Shawn: Come on, Rachel, we’re brothers. Brothers tell each other everything. Jack: We’re only half-brothers, alright? I only have to tell you half. Rachel: You weren’t loyal to me, Jack. No one was. Angela: Wait a minute, I took your side, that’s not fair. Jack: I’m on your side, too! It’s Cory and Shawn we’re mad at. Topanga: (Enters with leaves in her hair) I still can’t get this honey out of my hair. What’s going on? Rachel: Oh, as if you didn’t know. Cory: Our team just got even, their team’s being a bad sport. Rachel: Oh, you’re gonna pretend you don’t know what they did to me? They blew this up (unfurls poster) for the whole wide world to see. Fun, huh? Cory: (To Topanga) Heh, heh, heh, heh, Funny, huh? Heh, heh… The legend continues… Topanga: (To Rachel) Rachel, I am so sorry, I had nothing to do with this. (Turns to Cory) Why did I have nothing to do with this? Shawn: Uh-oh. Topanga: I am on your team, remember? Shawn: Uh-oh! Topanga: We make decision together, remember? Cory: It was Shawn’s idea. (Topanga turns to Shawn) Uh-oh!! Topanga: But of course. Whenever there’s trouble, Shawn can’t be too far behind. It was a nice toast at the wedding, Shawn. It’s Cory and Topanga, now, Cory and Topanga are best friends. Not Cory and Shawn. I though we were a team. Shawn: Hey, look, we’re all in this together. Topanga: Yeah, for once I thought we were. For once I thought it could be the three of us. That’s why I wanted to be on your guy’s team. To be a part of the legendary team, but I guess I’m not. (To Rachel) Rachel, I’m sorry. Cory: Why are you all taking Rachel’s side? You’ve known me and Shawn all your life, you’ve known Rachel, what, a couple of years? I… (Rachel is stunned) Rachel, I’m sorry. That’s not how we think of you or anything. Shawn: No, it’s not. Rachel: How stupid am I, I actually thought you guys were my friends. Angela: Of course you are. Topanga: Rachel, you were at our wedding. Rachel: I really thought you guys let me into your special world. I guess the joke really is on me. (Exits) Angela: And I guess it’s not accident the way the teams are picked around here. Jack: Yeah. What a coincidence, huh? Life-longers versus… Well I guess I really don’t know what we are. (He and Angela exit) Shawn: C’mon, Angela? Jack! Cory: It’s okay. It’s okay, alright? It’s you and you and me, now. (Topanga exits) Alright, it’s you and me, now. (Shawn exits) Okay, it’s just me, now. [SCENE – Cory & Topanga’s bedroom. They are about to go to bed. Topanga is brushing her hair, now leaf-less] Cory: I cannot believe that you would take Rachel’s side over mine. Topanga: I took your side. I wanted to be on Cory & Shawn’s team. I was excited to be a part of that immortal friendship. You left me out, Cory. Cory: Topanga, you were in the shower washing your hair for, like, eleven hours. Topanga: Do you know why a husband is supposed to tell his wife when he’s going to do something? So she can tell him what a stupid idea it is before he does it. Cory: Look. I don’t want you to think that you’re not my best friend, okay? And I do not want you to think that I would ever hurt you. (They lay in silence for a moment) Why was it a stupid idea? Topanga: Because you hurt someone’s feelings. Cory: Rachel’s? Topanga: And mine. (Lays on her side, her back to Cory) Cory: Oh, great. The butt. (Lays on his side, his back to Topanga) [SCENE – Jack, Eric, and Shawn’s apartment. Jack and Shawn sit at the counter with some food. Eric sits on top of the counter behind them, holding a book] Eric: Alright, look, I’m glad you’re both here. Listen to me. I’ve been reading a lot about this guy named Gandhi. Now Gandhi’s an Indian. He’s a Cherokee, I think, but that’s not really what’s important. Gandhi is a master at solving all conflicts peacefully. Now the first thing we need to do is start a dialogue. (Looks at Jack, who says nothing. Then Shawn, who also remains silent.) Okay, to have a dialogue somebody has to talk. (Looks in his book) Somebody has to talk, yeah. So who’s gonna go first? Jack: (To Shawn) Ah, to hell with you, man. Eric: Now that’s good. Let’s build from that. Shawn: (To Jack) To hell with you, too. Eric: I don’t think you guys are getting it. So I’m gonna skip right ahead to the next chapter (Opens book) which is, of course, the hunger strike. I will not eat or drink until the two of you make up okay go hummmmmmmmm… (Eyeing Shawn’s burger) Looks good. Got a cheeseburger, there? (Eyeing Jack’s pie) (Cartman voice) Havin’ a little bit of pie? (Regular voice) It’s fine, it’s fine. (To self) Yummmmmmm… Oh I am so freakin; hungry (Takes burger from Shawn and devours it). Shawn: Eric, butt out. Eric: (Mouthful of burger) I can’t butt out I’m the peacemaker. That’s why I’m on both sides but, uh, shhhh… (holds finger to mouth) Shawn: You aren’t on anybody’s side. Eric: What are you talking about, everybody wanted me? Jack: Nobody wanted you. Eric: What? Jack: Nobody wanted you on their team! (Hurt, Eric walks away) Shawn: What’d you do that for? Jack: Don’t tell me what to do. Moron. (Shawn leaves) [SCENE – Student café. Shawn sits at a table with Angela. Topanga is at the next table] Shawn: Look, I know I do crazy things sometimes. I hope you still love me. Angela: I’m not talking to you. (Walks away) Topanga: (Shawn looks to her) I’m not talking to you, either. (Gets up) Shawn: What? Topanga, you and I are on the same team. Topanga: Oh, sure we are, right. Well, here. Here’s my coffee. (Hands him coffee mug) Why don’t you make a toast? (Walks away) [Cut to outside the café. Cory is entering as Angela is exiting] Cory: Hey, Angela. Angela: I’m not talking to you. Topanga: (Walks past Cory) I’m not talking to you, either. Angela: (To Topanga) And I’m not talking to you. Topanga: (Turns, to Angela) And I’m not talking to you! Cory: (Enters café and sits at table with Shawn) Are you talking to me? Shawn: Shut up. Cory: Okay... To Be Continued…

{"type": "series", "show": "Boy Meets World", "episode": "07x15 - The w*r (Part 1)"}

foreverdreaming

Opening Credits Ben Savage: (Voiceover) Previously on Boy Meets World… [sh*ts from scene in Angela & Rachel’s dorm] Rachel: I am banning you from this dorm. Shawn: Can she do that? Rachel: I just did. Cory: You are gonna be sorry, home-wrecker. [Cut to later, Rachel’s car is in the dorm. Rachel and Angela Scream] [Cut to later, in student café] Rachel: I hope you know this means w*r. [Cut to later, in Feeny’s classroom. Honey falls on Cory, Topanga, and Shawn’s head. They’re alone in the room.] [Cut to later, in student café. Rachel has just seen her picture] Rachel: How could you? [Cut to later, in student café] Angela: (To Shawn) I’m not talking to you. Topanga: (To Shawn) I’m not talking to you, either. [Cut to outside the café] Angela: (To Cory) I’m not talking to you. Topanga: (To Cory) I’m not talking to you, either. Angela: (To Topanga) And I’m not talking to you. Topanga: (To Angela) And I’m not talking to you! [Cut to inside café] Eric: I knew this was gonna happen. [SCENE - Feeny’s classroom. Feeny and Eric are standing in front of the room, while Jack, Rachel, Shawn, Cory, Angela, and Topanga sit at the desks. The eight are the only people in the room] Feeny: (To the six in desks) And so my precious little jackals, here’s the bottom line: No one leaves this room until you have healed every relationship in this group. No matter how long it takes. Eric: Not matter how long! Feeny: (To Eric) Shut up. Eric: (To six) Shut up, jackals! Topanga: (Stands) How can you possibly keep us here against our will? Feeny: A minus. Topanga: (Sits) Well played, old man. Feeny: (To six) I know this group as well as anyone living. And I will not have it falling apart. Not now. Cory: So what if we can’t fix things? Feeny: Well then you will go through life without each other. Eric: No… (Feeny meanders to his desk) (To six) C’mon, guys. We can do this, we’re all adults, here. Cory: (Points to Rachel) She started it. Rachel: (Points to Shawn) He parked in my spot. Shawn: (Points to Rachel) She overreacted. Rachel: (Points to Cory) They took apart my car! Cory: (Points to Rachel) She glued my pants! Jack: This isn’t about any of that. Feeny: What is it about? Angela: It’s about they’re jerks. Jack: It’s about that these friendships aren’t what we thought they were. Cory: Okay. Boo-hoo to the both of yous. Topanga: Cory! Cory: No, this is crazy! We pull a couple of pranks and suddenly we’re not friends anymore? Shawn: What kind of friends were we? Rachel: Not. Not friends. Cory: Okay, fine, we’re not friends today. I’ll see ya tomorrow. (To Feeny) I mean, Mr. Feeny, why are you keeping us locked up here? Feeny: Because I care about you. Eric: He cares about us. And I care about us, too. We’ve been friends all our lives. Jack: No, no we haven’t. That’s the point. Angela: Some of us have been friend all our lives… Rachel: …and some of us haven’t. It’s an exclusive club and we’re not in it. Cory: (Turns to Rachel) Rachel, what are you making this such a big deal, for? Angela: (Stands) Because it is a big deal! Shawn: Angela, don’t blow this up. Angela: No, it’s too late, Shawn, it’s blown. Jack: (Stands and takes a few steps forward) Alright, y’know what? Look, we’re not talking about that, alright? Rachel and Angela and myself, we feel like we’re outsiders, here. Shawn: (Stands) Okay, look, first of all, Angela’s my girlfriend, okay? And I love her. Second of all, you’re my brother, so I’m forced to like you. (Angela sits, aggravated) Rachel: So what am I? Shawn: What are you? Rachel: Yeah, I mean, you made it really clear who everybody else is. Brothers, brothers, boyfriend and girlfriend, husband and wife. You all have this really strong bond between you, I mean, what’s the strong bond between us? Topanga: You think husband and wife is a strong bond? I wasn’t even a part of their stupid team. Cory: Topanga, will ya pipe down with that, please? Topanga: Ah, tell it to your boyfriend. (Turns away) Shawn: (Puts his hand on Cory’s shoulder) (To Cory) Remember what I told you, stand up to her. Topanga: Unbelievable. (To Feeny) Everybody is coming apart and they get closer? (To Cory) I am your wife, nimrod! Rachel: (Stands) I wasn’t talking about them, Topanga, and I wasn’t talking about you, either! For once in all the time that we’ve known each other I was talking about me. And I was talking about how I feel. Feeny: How do you feel, Rachel? Rachel: (Walks forward) I feel… like I don’t fit in with these people. And I don’t think I ever have. (Makes for the exit, Eric stops her) Eric: No, no, no, Rachel, no, no, look. There’re some bad feeling here and we’re gonna work ‘em out right now! Feeny: I agree. (Stands) And what we’re going to do is what they do in Miss Templeton’s kindergarten class. We’re going to take a piece of ruled paper and we’re going to write down what we like about each other. That’s what we’re going to do, children. Eric: (Takes a piece of paper) Right now. Cory: (Mimicking Topanga) “I’m your wife, nimrod.” Do you know what it’s like to have that voice in your head all day long? (Taps temples three times) No wonder I turn to him. (Gestures to Shawn, then looks up at him) (Topanga turns away) Eric: Come on, guys, Rachel’s leaving here, just write down how we feel about each other. Topanga: Oh, fine. Look at him side with Shawn. His lovah! Cory: Oh very tasteful, honey. (To Shawn) Did you hear that Shawn? Topanga: Shawn! His lovah! Shawn: Shut up, Yoko! (Rachel exits) Eric: Guys, Rachel left! Jack: (To Angela) Y’know, that’s perfect, right? Even though it’s supposed to be about all of us, it always comes back to them. (Gestures to Cory, Topanga, and Shawn) Angela: Mm-hmm, it’s never gonna change. Eric: Why didn’t you write anything down, huh? Well shouldn’t somebody go after her? -Commercial Break- [SCENE – Feeny’s Classroom. Continued from earlier, a little bit of time has passed] Feeny: Can we please leave? Eric: No, we can’t leave, I brought you here to help us, Feeny. Feeny: Eric, I would be happy to assist you in any project regarding these people, if it stood a chance of succeeding. This one don’t. Eric: You’re giving up on us? Feeny: Yep. Eric: (To six, now five) Did you guys hear that? Mr. Feeny’s given up on us, he’s never done that before. Shawn: You are making way too much out of this. Cory: It’s just stupid little fights that no one’s gonna remember after next week. Feeny: That may be, Mr. Matthews. But it’s been my experience that stupid little fights have a way of escalating into stupid big fights, which can change the course of your future. Cory: We just wanna get out of here now. The future will take care of itself. Feeny: Alright. If that’s the way you feel about it… You’re all dismissed. (They get up to leave) Eric: Wait, no, no you’re not. No, stay there. Come one, guys, we gotta work this out. [Cut to the hallway. Jack comes out first and walks away. Angela’s next, then Shawn, followed by Topanga and Cory] Shawn: (To Angela) Hey. Hey! You wanna go for a walk or something? Angela: I just wanna be by myself right now. (Exits) Cory: Hey, Shawn? You can talk with us if you want. Topanga: Cory, don’t you think it’s important that you and I talk right now? Cory: Well Shawn can talk with us, too. Topanga: Fine. If you want to talk to Shawn, why don’t I just find something else to do? Cory: Topanga, come on. Is it gonna be you versus Shawn for the rest of our lives? Topanga: Why don’t you tell me? (Steps back, leans against an alcove wall) Cory: (To Shawn) Look, she’s my wife, okay? And there’s a lot of good that comes with that. (Looks over at Topanga, who waves) I’m hoping. So just give me a few days to find it and I’ll get back to you. Shawn: You’re really gonna listen to her, huh? Cory: I just want peace for one freakin’ second, Shawn. Shawn: Come on. You’re gonna let her come between the greatest friendship of all time? Cory: I just need some time. Shawn: Okay. You take all the time you want. (Exits) [SCENE – Student café. It is six years later. Cory and Topanga enter. Topanga looks about the same, but Cory is wearing a tie and glasses] Cory: Topanga, I don’t even know what we’re doing, here. We clearly have nothing to say to these people. Topanga: Cory, we’re not here for them. We’re here out of respect to Mr. Feeny. Cory: Yeah, but I don’t know what I’m going to say to anybody. Topanga: You’re going to say “Hi! How are you doing? It’s so good to see you!” They’re gonna smile superficially and say the same thing back to you. Cory: And then we can go home to the baby? Topanga: Yes. (Arm and arm, they walk into the party) [Pan to above the door. There is a banner that reads: Happy Retirement George Feeny. Beloved Teacher 1964-2006] -Commercial Break- [SCENE - Student café. It is Mr. Feeny’s retirement in 2006. Cory and Topanga run into Angela] Topanga: Hi. Angela: Hi. Cory: Hi. Topanga: You look great. Angela: So do you. Cory: So do I. (They look at him funny) It’s a joke, I was jus making a small joke. Angela: Well it’s funny. Cory: I’m glad you enjoyed it. (Angela laughs uncomfortably, then stops abruptly) Yeah, well, if you’ll excuse me I’m just, uh (clears throat), I’m incredibly thirsty I’m going to go get some… a glass of liquor. Topanga: Large? I’ll take a large. (Cory walks away and runs into Jack at the snack table. Jack is wearing a nice suit) Cory & Jack: Oh, hi! (Pause) How ya doing? (Pause) Good to see you. (Pause) Whatcha up to? Cory: Yeah, we’ve been reading about you in the newspapers. Jack: Yeah. Cory: Yeah… We’re very proud of you. Jack: Yeah. Cory: What’s it like to have that kind of money? Jack: (Long pause) Good. How your, uhhhm…? Cory: Oh, great, it’s going great. Y’know, always a little busy around the tax season. (Long, uncomfortable pause) Say, you hear the one about the CPA and the penguin? Jack: Excuse me. (Turns, to someone else) Hey! (Walks away) [Cut over to Topanga and Angela] Angela: Oh, let me guess, in less than a year you were made partner in the most prestigious law firm in Connecticut. Topanga: No, it was heading that way, but then we had little Beverly Glen and I took some time off for her. (Shows Angela a picture) Angela: Aw, she’s beautiful, Topanga! Topanga: Thanks, Angela. I may never go back to work again. Cory: (Arriving with drinks) Oh, she’s going back. (Gives Topanga a drink and points seriously as he walks away) Angela: I thought about you so many times. Topanga: Why didn’t you call? Angela: Why didn’t you? Topanga: I thought about it, y’know, life goes by. (Takes a piece of food from a waiter walking around) Angela: Yeah, it does. [The camera follows the waiter to Feeny and Shawn, who are talking. Shawn looks very artsy with a beret and a goatee] Feeny: (Takes a piece of food) I want you to know that I’ve collected all of your articles from Rolling Stone. Shawn: Oh, thanks. Feeny: Quite the world traveler, huh? Shawn: Yeah, I get around. Feeny: So, is there anybody special in your life? Shawn: No, not yet. Feeny: Any prospects? Shawn: Not yet. Feeny: Are you happy? Shawn: Not yet. Feeny: Well, I really look forward to your correspondence, Shawn. Please, don’t stop writing me. Shawn: I won’t. So, do you ever hear from Cory Matthews? Are he and Topanga doing alright? Feeny: Why don’t you ask he, he’s right behind you. (Points) Cory: Hey, Shawn. Shawn: (Turns around) Cory. Cory: How you doing? (Holds out hand) Shawn: Okay. I’m okay. (Shakes Cory’s hand) How are you? Cory: I’m good. Shawn: Good. Feeny: Good. Cory: How ya doing, Mr. Feeny? Feeny: I’m fine, Mr. Matthews, how’s the baby? Shawn: You had a baby? Cory: Yeah. A couple of months ago, a little girl. Shawn: You’re the father? Cory: (Blinks repeatedly and uncomfortably) I am. We’re very happy. Shawn: Do you have any pictures? Topanga: (Walks over with Angela) I brought the pictures. Shawn: Topanga. (Long pause) Angela… Angela: Hi, Shawn, uh, long time. Shawn: Yeah. So how are you, what’re you doing? Angela: I’m a writer. Shawn: You’re kidding. Angela: I do freelance pieces for a bunch of magazines. Feeny: She sends them to me. (Walks away) Shawn: I bet they’re great. Angela: Thanks. Shawn: So, did you ever get married? Or anything? Angela: No, I never got married, you know, with all the traveling I do and… Shawn: Yeah, no, no, I understand. (Sips wine) Angela: Yeah, well (sips wine) it’s so good to see you guys, oh my God. (Puts wine down) You know what, I gotta go, though. Y’know, I really gotta catch a plane or… something… (She and Shawn stare longingly at each other, then she exits) Cory: (Shawn is staring at the door) So you both write for magazines. Topanga: You always had so much in common. Cory: And I didn’t even know they were in the same profession. Shawn: (Staring at door) She wrote a beautiful piece about Costa Rican rain forests. Cory: So why didn’t tell her that? Shawn: I don’t know. (Turns to Cory) Why haven’t you and I spoken in seven years? (Cory laughs as if to say “Don’t know”) You guys happy? Topanga: Yeah, we are. We have a very nice life. Shawn: Good friends? Cory: (Looks to Topanga, shrugging & nodding) Yeah, yeah, y’know, we’re okay. You? Shawn: Well, it’s tough, y’know, all the traveling I do. Cory: Yeah. Shawn: Yeah. Cory: (After long pause) Say, you hear the one about the accountant and the penguin? Shawn: Excuse me… (Holds up finger and walks away. He passes Jack. They stop) It’s been a long time. Jack: Yeah. Maybe we should keep it that way. Shawn: Yeah. Why don’t we. (Walks away) Jack: (Puts down champagne, and exits, passing Eric. Eric has a long, long beard, is carrying a staff and a huge book, and is dressed as a shepherd) (To Eric) How ya doin’? (Exits) Eric: Fine, my son. Jack: (Runs back in) Eric? Eric: No, not Eric, not anymore. Jack: Uh-huh. (Fixes suit lapel) It’s fine, it’s just fine. (Exits. Reenters running) Okay, what is your name now? Eric: My name… is PlaysWithSquirrels. Jack: (shrugs) Perfect. Even more insane. Eric: Insane? If giving away all your worldly possessions, renouncing society, and learning how to purify and drink your own urine is insane than well… Yes, color me insane. Jack: See you later buddy. (Exits) Eric: I have something for you. Jack: (Exasperated, leans against window behind Eric on his nose) (Reenters) I’m a wealthy man. I am a captain of industry. What is this power you have over me? Eric: (Shrugs, making “I don’t know”-ish sound) Here, read this. (Hands him big book) Jack: Aw, what is it? Eric: It’s Mi Manifesto. All of us hermits have one. (Takes lollypop hanging in his beard, takes a long suck, then returns it to his beard and covers it in hair) Jack: (Reading cover) The Secret of Life by PlaysWithSquirrels. (To room) Okay, everybody, I’ve got the secret of life, here, if you wanna know. Eric: (Spots Feeny, starts the Feeny call) FEE-NAY! FEE-HEE-HEE… (Starts coughing) Oh, ho-o, I can’t do it, anymore. Feeny: (To Eric) Mr. Matthews? Eric: Mr. Squirrels. Cory: Eric? Eric: PlaysWith. Feeny: Okay, the party’s over. I’ll see you at my funeral. Eric: No, no, no, no, no. Where’s Angela? Shawn: She was here. She left. Eric: Too painful to be in the same room with the man she should have married? Shawn: What? Cory: (To Topanga, quietly) Don’t tell him that we have a daughter. Eric: I have a niche? Feeny: (Correcting him) Niece. Eric: Niece? (Mimics taking a swig of alcohol while Feeny isn’t looking) Where’s Rachel? Cory: Yeah, where is Rachel? Shawn: Does anyone know whatever happened to her? Rachel: (Walks over. She’s dressed in a denim skirt and cowboy boots. She speaks in a Southern accent) I hear she moved to Texas. Topanga: Rachel? Rachel: Wanted to see if there was anything left between me and my old boyfriend. Jack: You mean the one you broke up with when you moved here? Rachel: Yep, that’s the one. Jack: Well, was there anything left? Rachel: A little. I married him. Cory: Congratulations. Topanga: You have any kids? Rachel: Yeah. Two little ones. Little Cory and little Topanga. Cory: (Surprised) Oh, really? Rachel: No, what’re you, joking? Cory: (Fake laugh) Well, married, life is great, isn’t it? Rachel: We’re divorced. Cory: Oh… Shawn: What happened? Rachel: He parked in my spot. (They all break into uncomfortable laughter) Yeah, well, I’ve been watching you all and I can’t believe none of y’all are friends anymore. I mean, I thought you guys would be together forever. Jack: Yeah, but ever since that little argument we had in the classroom… Rachel: What do you mean, over me? You guys aren’t friends any more because of me? Jack: Well, I guess it had something to do with that. Rachel: Wow. Wait, so you all didn’t make up after I left and live happily ever after? Cory: Well, our marriage counselor says we’re doing fine. Topanga: (Through gritted teeth, to Cory) Quiet. Rachel: Wow. I thought nothing could keep you guys apart. Shawn: Neither did I, but I guess something did. Cory: I guess we’re just weren’t as strong as we thought we were. Topanga: Or as smart as we thought. Eric: I married a moose. (Takes out picture from his beard and shows it too Feeny. Shawn, Jack, and Rachel lean in and take a look) We don’t need counseling. Feeny: (Referring to Mi Manifesto) So, Mr. Squirrels, you’ve written something there, have you? Eric: Oh, yes. I’ve been by myself for the past seven years I’ve put together a compendium of all my knowledge! Everything I know is in Mi Manifesto. Read it, Jack. Cory: Eric, that thing is like 3000 pages long. Jack: (Looking through book) Nope, 3000 blank pages. (Flips to first page) Only the first one has writing on it. Topanga: What does it say? Jack: Well, uh… (Reading) “Lose one friend. Lose all friends. Lose yourself.” Shawn: (To Eric) So why are all the other pages blank? Eric: Nothing else seemed important. Feeny: You were always my most interesting student, Mr. Squirrels. Cory: Y’know, I wish we had known that then. Topanga: Do you think we would have listened? Shawn: (Looking at door) (To self) I blew it. I let her go. Cory: (Answering Topanga’s question) Well I don’t know, but I guess we’ll never know now, huh? [Cut to back Feeny’s classroom earlier, in the present day. It is a wavy transfer where the picture gets ripples. Cory, Topanga, Shawn, Angela, Jack, Eric, and Feeny are all there. Rachel has already left.] Eric: You guys, Rachel just left. Why didn’t anyone write anything down? (Exits into hallway, picks up Rachel) Rachel: Eric. Eric! (Eric picks up Rachel) Eric: C’mon! I’m strong… (Rachel shrieks) Rachel: Eric! Eric! (Eric lays Rachel on the classroom floor and sits her down so she can’t move. Eric, what are you doing? Eric? Eric: Look. If there’s bad feelings here then we have to work them out because that’s what friends should do! (To Rachel) Now, look, I wrote something, Rachel. (Grabs paper from podium) Please… Just read it before you go anywhere. (Holds paper in front of her face) Rachel: (Reading) Lose one friend. Lose all friends. Lose yourself. Cory: We’re not gonna lose our friends. (Looks around questioningly) Are we? Eric: We might. I mean, what if Mr. Feeny’s right? What if we can’t fix this? What if this is the last time that we’re all together? Is that a chance you’re willing to take? Angela: (Gets up) Rachel. You’re my roommate. And I care about you. Rachel: You do? Angela: Yeah. Rachel: (They hug and don’t stop) Oh, Angela. (Eric joins the hug) Jack: (Gets up and walks towards the three huggers) Rachel, just because we’re not in love anymore doesn’t mean I want to lose you as a friend. I don’t want to lose any of you guys. (Joins the hug) Topanga: (Gets up) Oh, Rachel, I just wanted so bad to be a part of that team. But I guess I never will be, it’s always gonna be Cory and Shawn. (Joins the hug) I give up. Shawn: (Gets up) Topanga, don’t give up. Come on. You’re his wife, I’m just his best friend. You should be with him all the time. Topanga: All the time? Like, so if you weren’t around I’d be with Cory all the time? Shawn: Well, yeah. Till death do you part, right? That’s what you wanted, isn’t it? (Topanga grabs his ankle and pulls him into the group hug) Whoa, hey! Topanga: You are very important to my life, Shawn. (Pats his knee) Cory: You guys got room for me? Topanga: Yep, we got the perfect spot. Shawn: Right between me and the wife. (Lets him in the hug between him and Topanga) All: (Happily) Hey!! Cory: Alright, Mr. Feeny? You’re up. All: (Feeny calls become chanting) Feeny! Feeny! Feeny! Feeny: Class dismissed! (The group gets up from the floor and starts going after Feeny, attempting to hug him. Feeny crawls onto his desk to escape) -End-

{"type": "series", "show": "Boy Meets World", "episode": "07x16 - Seven the Hard Way (Part 2)"}

foreverdreaming

Opening Credits [SCENE – Student café. Cory walks from the counter to the couch carrying two cups of coffee. He gives one to Topanga, who is sitting on the couch, and sits with her.] Cory: Alright, drink up. We do not want to be late. Topanga: Cory, don’t worry, we’ll make it. Cory: Topanga, that’s what you said on Sunday and we missed most of 60 Minutes. M’kay? It’s not called 15 Minutes, Topanga. (Shawn, Rachel, and Angela enter dressed in hip black clothes) Rachel: (To Shawn & Angela) Where are Jack and Eric? Angela: Y’know, we gotta get going because the place is gonna be packed. Shawn: I bet you anything we’re waiting because of Jack and his hair. Topanga: Where are you guys going? Angela: The Blue Room. Cory: Oh, I hate that place. Loud music, tight clothing, wild dancing… Shawn: (Sarcastic) Yeah, why would we ever want to go there? (Jack and Eric enter) Jack: I’m not going, man. Eric: It’s fine! Jack: It’s not fine, it’s a disaster. You don’t understand, it’s just… (gestures towards his hair) It’s not holding, alright, it’s not holding. Topanga: (To Cory) I like dancing. Rachel: Hey, so why don’t you come with us? Cory: Because we have other plans tonight. (To Topanga) Or did we forget about watching the Doyle quintuplets on 20/20? Topanga: We can tape it. Jack: (To Eric) Of all the night to run out of hair gel. Cory: (To Topanga) No, no, no. Taping is just not the same, Topanga. Eric: (To Jack) Y’know, something, Jack? If I were a woman I’d think you were swell. (Raises eyebrows seductively) Jack: Really? (Eric nods) Topanga: (To Cory) Okay, fine, then we can watch it then go with them afterwards. Cory: (Laughs incredulously) At 11 p.m.!? Topanga: (To Rachel/Shawn/Angela) You guys go and have fun. Shawn: Okay. You wouldn’t really have fun, anyway. It’s not your scene. (Cory and Topanga look shocked as Shawn and the rest walk away) [SCENE – Cory and Topanga’s bedroom. Topanga enters, brushing her hair. Cory is watching TV in bed] Topanga: Not our scene? What do they mean by not our scene? (Sits at foot of bed) Cory: (Referring to TV show) Those quintuplets are as cute as the dickens. Topanga: They think just because we’re married we’re not fun, anymore? Cory: I’ll tell you who’s fun: Ricky. Topanga: Who’s Ricky? Cory: He’s the one that no one thought would make it (Points to TV) (To TV) You get ‘em, Ricky! (Topanga turns off TV) What did you do that for? Topanga: We are boring! Cory: According to who, Topanga, the in crowd at the Blue Room? Topanga: Our friends didn’t even invite us to go along with them. Cory: Topanga, who cares, alright? Now turn on the humidifier and come to bed. (Topanga turns it on and lays in bed with Cory as he snuggles it. Cory holds out his hand, and Topanga takes it) We got everything we need right here, don’t we? Topanga: I guess so. Cory: (Happily, pumping fist) Spoons! (He lays on his side. Topanga turns off the light and leans on his shoulder. Topanga turns the light back on) Topanga: We’re in a rut. Just because we’re married doesn’t mean we have to be old. Cory: Old? Why, because we chose to stay home and have a nice quiet evening while the others are out gallivanting (Waves hands mockingly) around, trolling for happiness? Topanga: We have become your parents. Cory: (With a solemn expression, sits up and looks Topanga in the eye) Never, never, mention my parents in bed. (Points menacingly) Topanga: Cory, we have to do something drastic. Cory: (Gets out of bed) Okay, okay fine. Topanga: Where are you going? Cory: I am getting dressed and we are going to that Blue Fish Room… Topanga: (Gets up) No, no, no. Not like this. Not because I’m forcing you to go with me. Cory: Okay, fine, back to bed. (Gets back in bed) Topanga: (Joins him) Cory, I just don’t want to be excluded anymore. I wanna have fun. Cory: Alright, maybe you’re right. Maybe I am becoming a little set in my ways. You wanna show everyone we’re fun? Topanga: (Nods) That’s all I’m saying. Cory: Okay, tomorrow night, you and your old man are going to go to the hippest, hottest, ragingest party anyone’s ever seen. Topanga: Really? Where? Cory: Right here. Whooo-oop! (High fives Topanga) Now let’s get to sleep. There’s a 6 a.m. sale at the Linen Loft and guess who’s got coupons! (Holds up coupons) -Commercial Break- [SCENE – Jack, Shawn, and Eric’s apartment. Jack is reading the paper, alone, in the kitchen. We hear a thud from the bedrooms] Eric: (From the bedrooms) Ow! (Enters, rubbing head) Jack: Morning, Eric. Eric: Make it better, Jack. Jack, Alright, y’know what, for the last time. (Puts down paper) Kissing the boo-boo doesn’t make it go away. You’ll be fine. (Pours some cereal into a bowl) Eric: Y’know what, Jack, I don’t know. This boo-boo feels different, it feels… special. (Jack gets some milk from the fridge) My nose is all tickly and I just feel like… (Sneezes into Jack’s cereal bowl) You’re gonna pour milk into your cereal! Jack: Not that I’m gonna eat it now. (Walks over to sink, Eric follows) Eric: Jack, this is amazing! I sneezed and I saw a vision of you pouring milk onto your cereal. Jack: No. This is just more background information for the nice people at the asylum. (Dumps cereal and puts bowl in sink) Eric: Y’know, they were nice! (Jack gets a bagel) Jack, I’m telling you. Smashing my head is what gave me my special powers! (Jack turns on the TV) When I sneeze I see the future! Wait a second, I feel one coming on… (Sneezes, Jack pulls his bagel away) There’s a f*re at the Peterman Warehouse! TV Newscaster: This just in: there’s a f*re at the Peterman Warehouse. (Eric points at he screen in triumph) Jack: No, no, no! This can’t be happening! (Sits on couch) Eric: Yes, we’ve been down this road before! Something amazing happens to me, you try to resist, and I pull you down with me, anyway! Jack: Fine. I’m gonna die either way. Alright, I believe in your stupid little powers, Eric. Eric: (Sits with Jack) Alright! See, that was painless. Now, the first thing I believe we have to do is determine why God gave me this power. I wonder why he gave to me and not some like, say, oh, I don’t know, you! (Laughs, then sneezes on Jack’s face) 21, 46, 53! Jack: You snotted on me. (Gets up) Eric: Dude, 21 46 53, those are my Nana Booboo’s measurements. (Stands) She is hot! (Outline’s a woman’s curves with his hand, only the ass is quite large) TV Newscaster: And hurry to those lotto machines, folks, tonight’s Pennsylvania lottery is nearly four million dollars. And in other news… Jack: Oh, no no. Those aren’t Nana Booboo’s measurements, those are lottery numbers! Eric: No. The lottery’s got six numbers, Jack. Jack: You’re right! That’s right! Come on, sneeze me the rest! Eric: Hey, I am not a carnival act! Alright, yeah, I am a carnival act, but my sneezing is a gift. It’s a gift that should not be abused! Unless, of course, we can use it to get chicks! Jack: We get those lottery numbers you can buy all the chicks you want, okay? So, come one, sneeze me the rest. Eric: (Sneezes) The king of Norway’s having a fish! [SCENE – Student café. Cory is handing out flyers. Rachel and Angela are sitting on the couch, on a laptop computer. Shawn is in a chair, reading] Cory: (Hands out a flyer) Come to our party. (Hands out a flyer) Come to our party. (Hands out a flyer) Come to our party. (Hands out a flyer to Angela. Walks away) Come to our party. (Hands out a flyer) Come to our party. Angela: What party? Rachel: (Reading flyer) “Cory and Topanga’s ‘We are out of our rut’ rip-roaring party party.’ (Her and Angela laugh) Wow. Angela: (Reading flyer) “Cake. Ice cream. Games. Surprises.” Look Shawn, surprises! Shawn: (To Cory) Hey, Cor, what’s with the party? Cory: What, a couple of people like us can’t throw a ho-down? (Does a corny, ho-down jig, Rachel laughs) (Hands flyer to Shawn) Read this. Shawn: “You are out of your rut.” That sounds good, congratulations. Cory: Right, so I want all you kids to wear your tassels, and your leather, and your get-up ‘n’ such, and I will see you tonight! Rachel: Tonight? Cory: Yes, tonight. Saturday night. I know I’ve been out of the loop for a while, but isn’t that the night you all rabble-rouse? Angela: Uh, yes it is, especially this Saturday night. Cory, your party is the same night as Jerry Dervin’s. Cory: So? Rachel: Jerry Dervin’s party is the best party of the year. Cory: Oh, really? Shawn: Hey, look. No big deal. (Stands up) We’ll go to Cory and Topanga’s party, and then we’ll go to Dervin’s party and have some fun. Cory: Excuse me? Shawn: Don’t worry, Cory, we won’t leave until your party’s over. What, your thing will be done by ten, right? Cory: Look carefully, Shawn. (Holds flyer in front of Shawn’s face) What does this say? Shawn: (Reading) “No parents allowed.” Nice touch. Cory: Thank you, thank you. Read on. Shawn: “8:00 to… question mark.” Cory: Question mark, Shawnie. Do you know what that means? It means that nobody knows when this party’s gonna end, okay? Do you know? Shawn: No. Cory: Do I know? Shawn: No. Cory: It’s totally impossible to predict! Rachel: Cory, don’t worry. We’re gonna spend plenty of time at your party. Cory: No, no, it’s fine. You go to Dervin’s and make nice-nice with the cool kids. But you’re making a big mistake, missy, but doubting the power of a Cory and Topanga party. Oh, sure, we won’t be in leather. But that’s because I’m allergic and Topanga is a sweater. Shawn: Cory, calm down, we’re coming to your party. Cory: Don’t do me any favors, okay? The whole campus has these flyers, Shawnie, so there might not even be room for you or this thing on your face. (Pokes Shawn’s goatee) Shawn: C’mon, You don’t mean that. Cory: Don’t come to our party (Takes Shawn’s flyer) Don’t come to our party (Takes a flyer) Don’t come to our party (Takes a flyer) Don’t come to our party (Takes Angela & Rachel’s flyer) Don’t come to our party (Takes a flyer) But well compare notes on Monday, about who went to the better party. (Opens door) And I take notes like a secretary. (Exits) [SCENE – Outside a convenience store. Jack walks towards it briskly, and Eric follows behind him wearing a helmet with an Eric sticker on the front] Eric: I still don’t see why I have to wear this stupid thing. Jack: (Enters store) Because you have a propensity for… (Eric walks in too, but hits his head on the door as he does so) head trauma. Eric: (Stands up and looks around, dazed) You don’t care at all about my head. (Jack is writing numbers on a lotto ticket) You just care about your stupid lottery numbers. I mean, sure, the helmet looks good. But this wasn’t a gift given out of love, this was given out of greed. Y’know something, Jack? You take all the fun out of sneezing. Jack: Okay, you know what? (Takes out a pepper shaker and shows him) Sneeze, you baby. (Throws pepper in his face) Eric: No, c’mon, no more pepper. My nostrils hurt. Jack: (Throws pepper) Sneeze! Eric: No! Jack: (Throws pepper) Jackass! Eric: No! Jack: Come on, man, look. I got 21, 46, 53, and then I got nothing. I got nothing, here, okay? You need to help me out. Alright? Come on. It’s now or never, let’s go (Leads him to the line) Eric: (Sneezes) Oh, my gosh. Jack: The numbers? Eric: No. Someone’s in trouble, Jack, that’s what I just sneezed. We’ve got to out of here. Jack: That’s ridiculous. Who’s in trouble? Eric: I don’t know. But I do know that he needs my help. God gave me these powers to help people. Not to give stupid lottery numbers. Jack: I’m people, I’m people, help me! Eric: (Walks away, but stops and sneezes on a woman) (To woman) He’s cheating on you. (She turns and looks angrily at the man behind her. Eric sneezes on her again) And he’s gonna rob this place. (To man) Y’know what, you’re just a bad guy! (Exits, staring at the guy. Hits his head on the door, again, as he exits) [SCENE – Cory & Topanga’s apartment. There are streamers hanging across the ceiling and balloon. Cory is wearing a Mr. Rogers sweater in the living room.] Cory: Topanga! Could you come in here for a moment! Topanga: (Enters) (Referring to decorations) Oh, my. Honey, don’t you think this might be a little bit much? Cory: Nah, I think people appreciate it when you go the extra mile. Topanga: (Ovens dings) Oh, my quiches are done. (Takes them out of the oven) Cory: Y’know, I thought people would be a little tired of Twenty Questions so I got a few other games. (Gets some games down from on top of the fridge) Topanga: Oh, Cory I think people will be tired of playing Par– (Sees the games Cory has) Oh! Clue! I haven’t played that game in years! Cory: Exactly. That guy Dervin may have flash, but we’ve got substance. This party is going to be quite satisfying (Rubs stomach) Topanga: Taste this. (Feeds Cory a quiche) Cory: Mmmmmmm! Quiche-licious! (Tries to take another, but Topanga pulls away) Topanga: Cory, you have to save some for our guests. They’re gonna be here in two minutes. Cory: It’s 7:58 already? I haven’t even picked the music, yet! (Scurries over to stereo, Topanga goes to put the quiches on a dish) What should we start with? Topanga: Uh, I don’t know, put on something we can dance to. Cory: That’s exactly what I was thinking. (Puts on what sounds like jungle music with bongos ‘n such. Starts dancing over to Topanga, who reluctantly begins to dance, too) [SCENE – Outside Cory & Topanga’s dorm. Shawn, Angela and Rachel enter] Shawn: Angela, if you tell me one more time we left Dervin’s party right before you were about to “get your groove on”… Angela: You’ll what? Shawn: Nothing, dear. Rachel: Well I was getting on my groove, too, y’know. (Angela and Shawn look at her funny) What? It would have happened eventually. Shawn: Hey, look, it’s only 10:00 we’ll be back at Dervin’s by eleven. Angela: Cory does not want us here, anyway. Shawn: That’s what he says. What he meant was “If you don’t, I’ll nag you till you bleed” (They turn to the door. There are four signs on it. Sign 1: “Entering Funville!” Sign 2: “Do not enter unless authorized for FUN!” Sign 3: “Danger: Party Ahead” and Sign 4: “No Parents Allowed!”) Angela: Damn! (They open the door to go in, but only see Topanga and Cory sitting alone. Topanga is sliding her quiches across the coffee table as Cory crushes them.) [SCENE – Outside Cory & Topanga’s dorm. Continued from earlier. Rachel, Angela, and Shawn shut the door before Cory & Topanga see them] Shawn: Nobody came? Rachel: I feel so bad… Angela: They look devastated. Rachel: Y’know, we should do something. (Shawn starts walking away) Angela: Where are you going? Shawn: Back to Dervin’s party. (Angela and Rachel shrug, then follow Shawn) [SCENE – Cory and Topanga’s dorm. Cory is sitting on the couch and Topanga is leaning on him] Topanga: Cory? Cory: Yeah, honey? Topanga: Nobody came to our party. Cory: I know. I almost left. Topanga: (Props herself up and looks Cory in the eye) That’s it. We are a boring married couple who doesn’t know how to have fun. Cory: No, we’re not a boring couple. We’re a young, vibrant, healthy, exciting couple who’ve been saddled with superficial friends who wouldn’t know a good party if it fell on their heads! Topanga: Maybe. (Gets up and grabs a garbage can. Goes over to snack table to start throwing out leftover food) Cory: Y’know, maybe it’s a good thing that no one showed up. (Gets up) Y’know what I’m saying? I mean, those quiches weren’t your best. Topanga: What? Cory: No, don’t get me wrong, they were great. I’m just saying, y’know, uh, you’ve made better. It’s a compliment, really. Topanga: Really? Well, do you want a compliment from me? Bite me. Cory: Excuse me? Topanga: Well, maybe nobody came to the party to eat my quiches because they read the great jokes on the flyers. “Come join our party, it’ll be party-rific!” “Buckle up for the ride to Funville!” What is that? Cory: Uh, it’s called wit. And it wasn’t the jokes that kept people away. Topanga: Was it the signs on the doors? Cory: No. Topanga: Because I guess not as many people were authorized for fun as you though. Cory: What about your dumb dance music? That really packed ‘em in! Topanga: Oh, my dumb music? Are you sure you don’t mean dumb-tastic or super duper dumb-dumb? Cory: You know what, Topanga, you were the one who started this whole thing! (Mocking) “I wanna be hip! You wanna know what?” I was perfectly happy staying home an a Saturday night and doing nothing. Topanga: Well I’m not. I wanna go out, Cory. I wanna have fun. I wanna be wild. Cory: Wild! Hah! You wouldn’t last ten minutes in those night clubs Topanga: Cram it, old man. (Wipes guacamole across his face and sweater) Cory: That is it! (Pours chocolate sauce over Topanga’s blouse) Topanga: Oh… my… (They stare each other down, then run to get a*mo. They start by getting the quiches and throw them all at each other. Then, Topanga gets some cherries and starts shaking a can of whipped cream) Oh, you want more Mr. Rogers? (Sprays him with whipped cream. Cory: Oh, a sh*t at my sweater, very funny! (Squirts mustard at her) What about your wild little get up, huh? (Topanga throws cherries at him) When’s the PTA meeting? Topanga: (Tears off Cory’s sleeve) Mr. Rogers! Cory: Soccer mom! (Tears off Topanga’s sleeve) Topanga: Aahh! Cory, this was a nice blouse! Cory: Yeah, and now it’s a ripped one. (Topanga tries to flick the separated sleeve off her arm) It’s off your shoulder a little bit, there. (Topanga pulls her sleeve off) Topanga: Yeah, I could say the same about yours. (They suddenly start kissing and fall on the floor) [SCENE – Alleyway. Eric and Jack are there, alone] Jack: The middle of nowhere, Eric. Eric: Something bad’s gonna happen here, Jack, I feel it. Jack: Wait a minute, something bad is happening. You are costing me four million dollars. For million dollars! Gimme my numbers! Eric: Hey! Hey! Hey! Obviously, Jack, you’ve never had super powers, okay? So you don’t know what’s going on. Look, Jack, don’t you get it? There is no way that that money can be as satisfying as what we were brought here to do! Jack: Look around you, Eric! There’s no one here to save! (Holds up a hand as though he’s had an epiphany, then throws Eric at the dumpster and starts hitting his head against it) Give me… My… numbers… Eric: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! (Sneezes) 12! 22! 42! (Jack stops hitting Eric’s head, Eric weeps) Jack: What was that? Eric: (Weeping) I said 12, 22, 42. Jack: The numbers! (Gets ticket from coat pocket) Yes! Alright, thank you, buddy! (Writes them in, starts to walk away, but Eric grabs his coat and stops him) Eric: (Weeping) Yeah, that’s right, you know what? You take your numbers and you remember as you’re sitting there with your four million dollars that to get it you had to bash your best friend’s head against the dumpster… Jack: You had a helmet on. Eric: It was you… Jack: What was me? What’re you talking about? Eric: It was you all along! (A bum emerges from behind the dumpster) Bum: He’s reaching out to you, Jack. He’s trying to save you. Jack: (Laughs incredulously) Save me? Eric: That’s right. Save you from your greed. My vision was about you! Bum: (Walks over, puts hands on Jack and Eric’s shoulders) (To Jack) He’s right. You’re the one in danger. Eric: Yeah. Yeah, Jack, I mean, look what this lottery has done to you, and you haven’t even won it yet! Jack: (Takes a couple paces, the bum pats him on the back) You’re right. I let greed take me over. I didn’t care what happened to you, what happened to our friendship. Y’know, it’s unbelievable, the things that people do for money. (Pause) Oh, well, off to buy me a ticket. (Exits) Bum: (To Eric, shrugs) Hey, we tried. [SCENE – Outside Cory & Topanga’s apartment. Shawn, Angela, and Rachel enter followed by a large group of people] Dervin: This party better be good, Hunter. Dervin’s party was awesome. Shawn: Shut up, Dervin! (To group) Alright, I’m gonna go over this one more time. On the other side of this door, it’s ugly. These people are wonderful but… they’re incredibly square. And remember: nobody gets their 20 bucks unless they stay the full hour. Rachel: This was a really sweet thing to do, Shawn. Angela: I just hope we’re not too late. (Shawn opens the door. Inside, Cory and Topanga are wrapped in a Twister mat, Cory on top of Topanga, kissing. They both have food remnants on them. They don’t notice Shawn.) Topanga: This is the best party I’ve ever been to. Cory: Oh. (They kiss) Topanga, I was wrong. (Eats a food particle from Topanga’s forehead) I love your quiche. (They kiss again) Topanga: I love every boring bone in your body. (They kiss again) Cory: Really? Topanga: Let’s never go anywhere again. (They kiss a lot. Shawn closes the door) [Cut to back outside the door] Shawn: (To Angela) You think they do that every night? Angela: Well, gosh, that’s probably why they go home at nine. Shawn: (Dervin tries to get in) Whoa, hey, hey, okay, party’s over. There’s no way we’re gonna save this one.Dervin: I’m going back to Dervin’s. Rachel: You are Dervin! (Dervin and everybody except Shawn, Angela, and Rachel leave) Angela: I cannot believe that we felt sorry for Cory and Topanga. Rachel: I know. I mean, I feel sorry for us. (Exits) Shawn: I wonder what their food bill is in a month. Angela: I don’t know, y’know, let’s just go back to Dervin’s. Shawn: Yeah. Angela: Y’know what? Forget Dervin’s. Let’s just go to a grocery store. (Shawn nods with approval and puts his arm around her as they exit) [SCENE – Jack, Eric, and Shawn’s apartment. Jack is sitting on the couch, watching TV] Jack: Eric, quick, come out here! Eric: (From bedroom) (Cartman voice) No! Jack: Come on, I said I’m sorry. Eric: (enters) You’re not sorry. You’re evil. Jack: Well, just sit down and watch me get filthy rich. (Grabs his ticket) They’re about to announce the winning lottery numbers. Eric: (Points to TV) That’s blood money. Jack: I’ll give you half. Eric: Oh, turn it up. (Sits) TV Newscaster: And here are tonight’s winning lotto numbers… Eric: I’m gonna buy myself a new helmet. TV Newscaster: 32, 6, 27, 18, 9, 2. Eric: (Stands and pumps fist in triumph) We’re rich! Jack: (Pulls Eric down) No, we’re not. Those aren’t the numbers you gave me. This is worthless, and you’re worthless. (Tears up ticket) Here! Eric: No, Jack, no. Jack: Eat it! Eat it! (Shoves it in Eric’s mouth) TV Newscaster: (Jack notices TV, Eric is chewing the ticket) Well, so much for the New York lottery, now for the four million dollar Pennsylvania lottery. Jack: Oh my God. TV Newscaster: The winning numbers are: 21, 46, 53, 12, 22, 42. And in other news… Eric: Well that’s a coincidence. (Eats last piece of ticket, Jack looks at him evilly) (Sneezes) Oh, what you’re gonna do to me. [TAG – Cory and Topanga’s bedroom. Topanga is laying in bed, watching TV] Topanga: Cory, come quick! John Stossel is doing and exposé on tainted meat! Cory: (Runs in and jumps in bed. Topanga takes his hand) Now I ask you, would you rather be spending the night at some glitzy club, or learning how to spot a bad brisket? Topanga: You’re right. Brisket. Cory: It’s not like I don’t enjoy dancing or going out and having fun, it’s just the best time that I have is when I’m here with you. (Topanga kisses him) Topanga: (Watching TV) Oh, look. Bad flank steak. Cory: I love you. (She kisses him again, then they turn back and watch the TV. A horrified look appears on their faces)

{"type": "series", "show": "Boy Meets World", "episode": "07x18 - How Cory and Topanga Got Their Groove Back"}

foreverdreaming

Opening Credits [SCENE – The Matthew’s garage. Cory, Shawn, and Topanga are going through a lot of boxes of old stuff] Shawn: How long has it been since anyone’s cleaned this garage? Cory: Ugh, years. (He stands up, holding a beach pail. Topanga walks by, takes it, and drops it in a garbage bag) Hey, hey! Where do you think you’re going with that? Topanga: I am taking this garbage back, full of garbage, to the garbage. Cory: You are so cute when you try and intimidate me. Gimme the bag, it’s coming home with us. Topanga: You are incapable of throwing out anything. (Gives bag to Cory) Cory: No, I am incapable of throwing of memories from my life. (Opens up bag and starts going through it) I mean look around you, this is my childhood here. Shawn: (Takes out a doll) Hey, Cory, you think Morgan’s gonna want Strawberry Shortcake? Cory: Uh, yeah, she does. (Grabs the droll and starts talking to it gingerly) Hi… (Kisses it) (Topanga’s open wide) (To Topanga) She’s cute, she’s my friend. (Drops doll behind him) I can’t believe that you would wanna throw these things out. I mean, look, at this, this is a gold mine, here. This (takes out a retainer) is my old retainer. Remember this? (Puts it in) Topanga: Uck, Cory, I hate that thing. Cory: You didn’t say that when we were 11, remember? C’mon, kiss me. (Tries to kiss her) Just kiss me once, come on. Kiss me once. Topanga: (Resists) No, Cory! No! All I remember is trapped food particles. Peanuts, popcorn, crackerjacks… Your mouth was like a baseball game. Cory: (tastes) Mmmmmm… Nachos… Mmmmmm… (Removes retainer) Shawn: Hey, Cor, check these out. (Holds up boxing gloves) Cory: Oh my gosh, Eric gave those to me. Shawn: Where is Eric? Half this stuff is his, why isn’t he helping? Cory: Well look, I promised my parents I’d clean up this garage by the time they got home from vacation, okay? Besides, Eric would go through this all this old stuff, get all mushy, and not let us throw out anything. Topanga & Shawn: Hmm, can’t have that. Cory: Besides, I’d rather do it with you guys, anyway. Topanga: (holds up sign reading “no girls allowed”) Discrimination! Not fair! Not fair! Cory: Oh, Shawn, look, our old clubhouse sign. Shawn: Yeah, “No girls allowed.” That lasted long. Cory: Hey, I was in love. Topanga: And I thr*at to sue. Shawn: (grabs sled) Hey, Cor, how come we never used this? Cory: Oh, this? (takes sled) This belonged to me and Eric. Boy, this thing’s got some memories. Topanga: (Walks over wearing a tiara and carrying two plastic swords) Your queen demands a duel. Lord Hunter (Hands Shawn a sword). Sir Complain-a-lot (Hands Cory a sword). The winner shall get my hand. (Walks away daintily) Cory: (He and Shawn laugh like duelists) (Regular voice) En guarde, doody head. Shawn: (French accent) Prepare to die. Scoundrel. Cory: Oh, I’d a scoundrel? (Ebonics voice) ‘s cool. (Bops head) Topanga: Alright, your queen’s getting bored, can we see some bloodshed? (Shawn and Cory start sword fighting. They h*t swords a few times as they yell back and fourth. Eric enter) Cory: Ow! (They h*t swords) Shawn, you’re hurting me! (Shoves into him) Ow! (Takes notice of Eric) Eric: Hey. You guys having a little party, here? Shawn: Nah, just hurtin’ your brother. Topanga: What you up to? Eric: Well, apparently not having as much fun as you guys are. Cory: Yeah, we were just cleaning out the garage, you know, I’ve been meaning to go through the stuff for a while. Eric: Oh, okay, so this was your idea. Cory: (Uncomfortably) Yeah… (Eric nods) Topanga: Shawn and I are just helping out. (Her and Shawn walk away) Eric: Y’know, Cor, this would’ve been fun to do together. Cory: Oh, Eric, come on, it’s not a big deal. Besides, I didn’t want you to waste a Saturday. Eric: But you didn’t mind asking Shawn to waste a Saturday. Cory: No, Shawn… Shawn loves this stuff. Remember where he’s from. Shawn: (Holding a paint can) I do love trash. (Puts his arm around Topanga and pulls her near. She stick out her tongue at him) Eric: Okay, so let me see if I understand this. You decided on your own to go through our stuff, involving your wife and your best friend, who incidentally has a brother of his own to do this kind of stuff with, but you didn’t call me. Cory: Eric. It’s not a big deal. Shawn: Maybe we should go. Eric: No, no! No, no, you guys stay! He probably doesn’t get a chance to see you a whole lot, anyway. Cory: Eric, come on, don’t be like this. Stay, and we’ll… Eric: (Interrupts Cory) By the way, I forgot to tell you. Dad called last night and he wanted me and you to look for grandpa’s tool box after calling you about you calling me about us cleaning out the garage together. We were supposed to do this together. (Exits) (Topanga and Shawn look at each other. Cory waves as though it was nothing, and bends down to pick up a box) [SCENE – Student café. Shawn and Rachel are getting coffee. Shawn brings his to Jack, at the pool table. Rachel brings hers to Angela, who is sitting on the couch] Rachel: Y’know, it must be fun to do an old clean out like that and go through old stuff you haven’t seen in years. Shawn: Well, it started out fun. Rachel: You know what, Angela? It wouldn’t hurt us to do some spring cleaning. Angela: Ah, great idea Rachel, why don’t you start and I’ll catch up with you later like in the fall. [Cut to Shawn & Jack] Shawn: Y’know, Jack, Eric said something before that was interesting and got me thinking. Jack: Wait a minute, Eric got you thinking? Shawn: He seemed well rested. (Jack nods) Anyway, when dad died, you and I agreed that… Jack: (Interrupting Shawn) Deal. Shawn: Deal? Jack: Yeah, no, I was thinking the same thing. You and I should get closer, spend more time together. Shawn: Start acting like real brothers! Jack: So you want to do something later? Shawn: How about now? Jack: I’m up for anything! (Stands) Shawn: (Stands) Sounds like a blast! Jack: I’m having fun already. Both: Hey! (They hug) [Cut to Rachel & Angela] Rachel: So, why exactly don’t you want to clean with me? Angela: Oh, it’s not that I don’t want to it’s just that I’m not going to. (Eric enters) Eric: (To Jack & Shawn) I have theories, you know. Jack: About what? Eric: (Shrugs) I don’t know. Shawn, I wanna say I’m sorry about before, I was just upset. Shawn: It’s okay, I understand. Eric, Jack, & Shawn: (Rubbing goatees) It’s coming in nice. (The three meander into the room. Eric sits on a chair, Shawn on the pool table. Cory enters) Cory: Eric, hey, I’ve been looking for you. Eric: Well, you found me. Cory: Uh, listen, I just want to apologize about before. Y’know, the reason I didn’t call you was not because not because I didn’t want you to be there. Eric: I’m listening. Cory: Because that’s not what I was thinking about. Eric: Okay, so what were you thinking? Cory: I wasn’t really thinking of anything, y’know, it’s not that big a deal. I mean, maybe we’ll do it again some time. Eric: I’m really looking forward to that. (Cory walks over to the counter) So then why are you apologizing? Cory: Uh, (Turns to Eric) well, I’m apologizing because you seemed hurt. Eric: That’s very considerate. Cory: No problem. (Turns back and takes some steps towards counter) Eric: (After Pause) Are you really sorry or are you just sorry you got caught. [Cut to Jack & Shawn, who are watching] Jack: (To Shawn) You know, you’re right, he does seem well rested. Cory: (Walks back to Eric) Eric, come on, this is stupid, alright? It’s no big deal. We’ll go home, forget this ever happened, we’ll clean out the garage, and be done with it. Okay? Eric: (Stands, faces Cory) Y’know what, while we’re at it, why don’t we just move all that crap out to the driveway and sell it? Cory: Why would you want to have a garage sale, I mean, that’s like our childhood. Eric: Well, yeah, I mean like you said, it doesn’t really matter. Why don’t we sell it, split the money right down the center, and y’know we can be done with it, go back to the way it used to be. “Hey, how you doin’?” “Fine, how you doin’?” No need to apologize for anything. (Exits slowly as Cory watches in disbelief) [SCENE – Shawn, Eric, and Jack’s apartment. Jack and Shawn are sitting on the couch, looking bored] Jack: (Thinking) How about a movie? Shawn: Perfect! (Stands) This is gonna be great. (Walks over to counter) Jack: (Stands) Yeah, y’know, I am so glad we are finally doing this. (Follows Shawn to counter) Shawn: (Looking at paper) So, what do you wanna see? Jack: Anything, man, as long as we’re together, buddy? Shawn: You mind subtitles? Jack: You mean like a foreign movie? Shawn: (Puts down paper) I know: bowling. Jack: (Unsure) Bowling. You ever smell those rental shoes? Are you hungry? Shawn: No, I just ate. I can watch you eat! Jack: Maybe we’re trying too hard, y’know? (Sits, thinks, stands) Why don’t we just go work out? Shawn: I don’t do that. (An awkward silence follows. Shawn paces around the counter) You like poetry? Jack: I like riddles. Shawn: The mall. Jack: The bank. Shawn: The bank? (Wanders towards couch and sits on the arm. Jack sits on the counter stool) Well, I wonder how the garage sale’s going. Jack: You wanna check it out? Shawn: (Excitedly stands and points) Yes! (Grabs coat, Jack stands) Man, this is gonna be great. Jack: I am lovin’ it! (They exit) [SCENE – Matthew’s driveway. All of their stuff is displayed on tables. Cory puts up a big yellow “Garage Sale” sign. He and Eric are the only two there. Eric puts a few price tag on things as Cory goes back and brings up a football helmet and round box. Eric goes back and brings up the sled. They put price tags on their respective items. Then, Cory notices the sled] Cory: You’re gonna sell that sled? Eric: Yeah, why not? Cory: (Shrugs) We had a lot of fun on that sled. Eric: Yeah, we did. What do you thing, two bucks? (Writes a price tag and drops it on the sled) Cory: (Unhappy) Yeah, two bucks. (Long pause. Eric writes out more price tags while Cory just stands there) Why, you remember that time when when we, uh, when schools closed down for two days and we took this up to d*ad Man’s Hill? Eric: Yeah, I remember. Cory: Yeah. And then we were sledding down that hill so fast we couldn’t stop and we caused a four-car pileup? Eric: (Big smile) Yeah, dad was really mad. Locked us in our room for two weeks. Cory: Yeah, but it was a lot of fun, huh? Eric: (Nods subtlety) Buck fifty. (Writes a price tags and drops it on the sled, tears up the old one and walks away) -Commercial Break- [SCENE – Cory & Eric’s garage sale, it is much later. Rachel, Angela, and Topanga are there, along with many other people browsing. Cory and Eric, separate, are among them. Rachel and Angela drops two boxes of their stuff in front of Topanga.] Topanga: Hey, guys. Rachel: Hey, wow, this looks great. Topanga: Thanks, what’s all this stuff? Rachel: Well, Angela and I decided it’d be a lot of fun to clean out our room. Angela: (Happy) Yeah, and guess what? (No so happy) It wasn’t. Rachel: Anyway, we found a lot of great stuff, look. Topanga: Oh, gosh. Eric: (Walks over) Oh, hey, look at all that stuff, that’s great. Why don’t you grab a table, there’s plenty of space. Angela: Wait a minute. (Pulls a bag from Rachel’s box) This is my purse. Rachel: Angela, it’s been on the floor for three months. Angela: (Reading price tag) A dollar seventy-two? Topanga: Ooh, I’ll take it! (Slaps money in Rachel’s hand and grabs purse from Angela) Rachel: Thanks. Eric: (Takes a pink t*nk top from Rachel’s box) Rachel, did you wear this? Rachel: I used to. Eric: I’ll give you fifty bucks for ‘em. Angela: Sold! (Eric quickly dishes money to Angela) Topanga: Why do you want Rachel’s old t*nk top? Eric: (Creepily) I’m a collector. (Rachel laughs, Eric walks away. Cory sees him) Cory: Hey, Eric! (Holds up catcher’s mitt) Y’know, I don’t want to sell my glove. Eric: That’s my glove. Cory: You gave it to me. Eric: Yeah, now I’m taking it back (Takes glove from Cory) Cory: What is your problem? Eric: I don’t have a problem! It’s a garage sale, Cor! (Gestures to garage) Y’know, why don’t we just sell it. You don’t use it, I don’t use it, let’s just be done with it! Shawn: (Enters with Jack, arm in arm. They are both laughing hysterically) (To Cory, pointing at Jack) This guy, this guy. (Laughs) Cory: What’s so funny? Jack: Oh, I don’t really know, y’know. It’s just that we’ve been laughing for the last three hours. Cory: (Sarcastic) Eric and I have been doing the same thing. Topanga: (Walks over) What have you guys been up to? Jack: Oh, a little of this, a little of that. Shawn: Time’s just been flying! Jack: Flying by! Shawn: (Holds up hand) Up high! Up high! Jack: (Slaps it) Oh! Both: Yeah! Shawn: (Steps away with Cory, puts his arm around him) Help me out here, man, I am dying. He is so freakin’ boring. [Cut over to Jack with Eric] Jack: Take me out of this misery, man. You got any g*n for sale? Man: (Walks over, carrying slippers) Excuse me! How much are these? Eric: I didn’t know those were for sale! Man: I’ll give you five bucks for them. Eric: I’ll give you twenty. Man: (Confused) Okay… Eric: Okay! (Slaps money in the man’s hand, he gives Eric the slippers and walks away. Eric laughs childishly) Cory: (Walks over, Eric sees him and suddenly become serious) Eric, come on, why are you being such a jerk? Woman: (Approaches, carrying picture frame) Excuse me, honey, how much is this frame? Cory: (To woman) Just one second. (To Eric) Look, Eric, I’ve apologized a hundred times, alright? What do you want me to do? Eric: Nothing. Woman: (Inspecting frame) It couldn’t be very much cause there’s a scratch on it. Cory: Lady, just one second, okay? Woman: I can’t wait here forever! Cory: Lady, please! (Turns to Eric) Eric! I’m not a mind reader, okay? What do you want me to do? Woman: You’re not going to sell anything if you ignore the customers! Cory: (To woman) Could you be any more annoying? Man: (Same guy from before) (Approaches) Hey, buddy. Watch your mouth, that’s my wife. Cory: (Chuckles) Could she be any more annoying? (Man look evilly at Cory, then punches him in the face) Eric: (Hits man in the stomach with each word) That’s! My! Brother! Nobody! Hits! My! Brother! (Man looks very evilly at Eric, unharmed) (Like he’s telling a joke) So this guy walks into a bar… (The man hits Eric in the chest, then on the back. Eric falls on the ground, goes with him and starts choking him) Cory: Hey! That’s my brother! (Jumps on man’s back) Get off on him! (Woman runs over and hits Cory with her purse. Insanity breaks loose. Everyone, including Shawn, jumps in. A large man picks up Shawn.) Shawn: Oh, you’re big! (Cory leaps on man’s back and slaps him girlishly) [SCENE – Hospital waiting room. Topanga is sitting with Cory, who is bruised and has ice on his wrist, when Eric, wielding a black eye, enters and sits across from them] Eric: Y’know what, I’m going to hang out here to make sure everything works out okay. Topanga: I think you should. (Uncomfortable pause) I’m going to go get coffee from the cafeteria. Eric: (Touches eye gingerly, then picks up a magazine and starts flipping through it) How’s the arm? Cory: Why? Won’t be used in that catcher’s mitt anytime soon. Eric: Well that’s good cause I sold it for a dime. Cory: Eric, uh, I really appreciate the way you had my back today. Y’know, and thanks for waiting with me here, too. Eric: It’s okay. Cory: Not, it’s not okay, y’know, I mean, because you’re my brother and today you reminded me how important it was to have a big brother to look out for you and I’d like to think that I’d be there for you, too. Eric: I’m sure you would. Cory: Because that’s what being brothers is all about, right? Being there for each other when one of us is in trouble. Eric: Yeah, as long as we don’t have to see each other in between, right? (Flips magazine onto table) Cory: What? Eric: (Grabs another magazine) Well, what about when we’re not in trouble, Cor? Cory: (Unsure) Well, we can do stuff. Eric: I don’t know, today was a pretty big day, y’know? Had a garage sale, a fist fight, ended up here at the emergency room. I’m not sure we can count on this kind of think happening all the time. Cory: Eric, look, I’m really trying here, okay? I just want everything to be alright with us. Eric: (Gestures to self) Big brother (Gestures to Cory) Little brother, I got your back you got mine, it’s fine, don’t worry about it. Cory: (Getting agitated, stands) Dammit, Eric, is this all because I didn’t let you clean out the stupid garage? Alright, I’m sorry, okay? Now what do you want from me? (Eric rolls his eyes) What?! Eric: Look, it’s not about the garage, okay? It’s about that fact that you shut me out of your life a long time ago. Cory: That’s not true. Eric: Oh? (Stands) Well, let’s look at it this way. We used to do stuff together, now we don’t. Cory: Yeah we do. Eric: When?! Cory: (Stutters) We just spend the whole day together. Eric: (Sarcastic) Today? Oh, yeah, you’re right, I forgot. Y’know something, I take it back, it is about cleaning out the stupid garage. Dad wanted us to do that together, and you chose to leave me out. Those were our memories! Do you have any idea how it felt to go down there and see Shawn and Topanga there instead of me? Cory: (At a loss for words) Look, Eric, we’re brothers, okay? Eric: (Interrupts Cory) Y’know what, you’re right. We’re brothers. We’re not friends. That means you don’t have to like me, and you don’t. (Exits, walks past Topanga, who’s holding coffees) Cory: Oh. Topanga: What happened? (Cory sighs) [SCENE – Matthews’ garage. It is now quite barren. It is also late. Cory is alone, moving some stray boxes to some shelves. His wrist now has a cast on it. He sees the bike and stops and stares at it. Topanga enters, holding a sandwich] Cory: Look at this. So many days spent trying to master this. (Topanga sits on a box behind Cory) And then that magical day when everything clicked. “Go, Eric! Stay up there! You can do it!” Topanga: You guys did a lot of things together. Cory: Yeah we did. But (Grabs bike) that was a long time ago. (Carries bike to back) Topanga: Made you a sandwich. Cory: Thanks. Topanga: Sure you don’t want me to help? Cory: (Sets down bike) No. That’s what got me into trouble in the first place. Am I wrong here? I mean, if I did something wrong, tell me. Topanga: Well, I– Cory: (Interrupts) I mean, I realize that I am not the perfect brother, okay, but neither is he. I mean, we’re talking about Eric, here. Topanga: Yes, we are. Cory: The guy’s a total screw up. (Grabs a box) I mean, we spent out wedding night in jail because of him, remember? (Puts box in back) Topanga: What I remember is having one of the most amazing weddings in the best hotel in Philadelphia because of him. Cory: But it’s not like we’re still kids, anymore. (Opens a box on the floor) I mean, we’re adults now and we have our own lives. Let him get a wife and try and keep up with everybody. (Picks up box) Topanga: (Suppressed snicker) You like that cast? You can have another one. Cory: Look, I did everything I could possibly do to try and patch things up, okay? And he rejected me every step of the way. He’s the one that sold our memories. (Puts box in back) Topanga: I’m not sure it’s that simple. Cory: We’re completely different people, Topanga. And besides, where is it written that you have to spend time with your brother? Topanga: (Quiet laugh) I remember when that’s all you wanted to do. I was jealous. Shawn was, too. Cory: (Exhales in realization) It’s easier when you’re kids, you know? I mean, I was there, he was there. You hop on a sled and the next thing you know you’re laughing at an intersection. (Topanga smiles) I mean time goes by and… somehow what you had just sort of fades away. Topanga: That doesn’t mean you can’t get it back. You have the rest of your life to make new memories. The question now is just: do you want to? I’ll see you at home? (Cory nods, Topanga exits) (Cory moves another box to the back. Eric enters, Cory sees him. Eric grabs a box, and hands it to Cory. Eric then picks up another box, and jokingly shoves Cory as they walk to the back together. They both up down their boxes and grabs new ones.)

{"type": "series", "show": "Boy Meets World", "episode": "07x19 - Brotherly Shove"}

foreverdreaming

Opening Credits [SCENE – Student Union. Many students mill about, preparing for graduation. In the back, a yellow sign hangs reading “Pick Up You Caps and Gowns Here”. Topanga, Angela, and Cory, who is reading a newspaper, enter] Angela: Topanga, how can you be so calm about this? Topanga: Because I’m one of five hundred quarter-finalists, I’m not gonna get it. Angela: Uh-huh, Cory, tell her how huge this is. Cory: (Reading from his paper) Youngest d*ad guy yesterday? (Shoves paper down and points matter-of-factly) Forty-two. (Goes back to reading) Topanga: (Sighing) oh… (Paces towards counter, leaving Cory behind) Angela: (Following Topanga) Wow! (She and Topanga sit at a table next to Jack, who is on a computer, and Rachel) A summer internship with Brown-Elliot. Jack: (Taking notice) Brown-Elliot? Wow, that’s the most prestigious law firm in New York. They represent my rich step-father. (Looks to his computer) Congratulations. Topanga: (Smiling) Thank you. Jack: (Looks up) Oh, no, no, no. I was congratulating myself on my rich step-father. (Goes back to his computer) Who, by the way, is bankrolling my new business venture: Um-Jack dot com. Rachel: (To Jack) So what exactly is the concept of this business? Jack: (Peers at her) Um-Jack. Rachel: I don’t get it. Jack: (Almost scolding) Dot com? (Looks back to his computer) Rachel: (Lying) Oh! (Looks to Topanga as though to say “what?”) Eric: (Enters in a graduation gown) I’m graduating, I’m smart! (Rachel strokes his arm for greeting) Cory: (Walks over, still with his newspaper) Hey, you wanna know how this poor schmo died? A bird flew in his mouth. (Looks to his friends) A pigeon. Not even a classy bird! (Sits) Eric: So, uh, I just gotta question. Are you supposed to wear pants with these things? (Pulls up his gown, revealing only boxers. Jack looks disgusted, Cory and Topanga shield their eyes. Luckily, Angela and Rachel have their backs to him] [Enter Sgt. Moore in uniform] Sgt. Moore: Put your dress down, Matthews. Eric: (Bashfully) Alright… (Does so) Angela: (Excitedly, runs over and hugs her father) Daddy! Ha-ha! Sgt. Moore: How’s my baby girl? Angela: (Happily) Oh, alright. What are you doing here? Sgt. Moore: Well, I didn’t come to see that! (Points to Eric, who has once again hiked up his gown, revealing his boxers, while leaning over) Angela: (To Sgt. Moore) Is everything okay? Sgt. Moore: Everything’s fine. I’ve been reassigned, Angela. Angela: (Hopefully) Near here? Sgt. Moore: No, I have to go to Europe. Angela: (Disappointed) Aww, that’s not near here. Sgt. Moore: No, I’m sorry, honey. Angela: I thought you requested to be closer to me. (Sits on couch) Sgt. Moore: I did. (Sits with Angela) But my orders are to upgrade security at the embassies. By the way, that’s highly classified. (Eric pops up from behind the couch with the most ridiculous smile ever. Sgt. Moore promptly shoves his head back down) Angela: (Sighs) So daddy, how long is it gonna be this time? Sgt. Moore: A year. Angela: (Whiney) A year? That’s forever! Sgt. Moore: (Smiling) Not if you come with me. (Cory, Topanga, Jack, and Rachel, who’ve been eavesdropping, look stunned) Angela: (Also looking stunned) What? Sgt. Moore: (Takes Angela’s hand) I want you to come with me to Europe, Angela. [Enter Shawn] Shawn: (Cheerfully) Heh-heh-hey! (Walks over to Sgt. Moore and Angela) There’s the man that put me and Angela back together. Sgt. Moore: (Shakes Shawn’s hand, grinning) Shawn… Shawn: How are ya? Sgt. Moore: Good. (Shawn catches notice of Angela’s somber expression) [SCENE – Student Union, continued from earlier] Shawn: (To Sgt. Moore) I’ve been taking good care of your daughter, sir. Sgt. Moore: I knew that you would, Shawn. Shawn: (To Angela) Hi, baby. (Walks past Sgt. Moore to her) Angela: (Oddly giddy) Hi! (Giggles, Shawn kisses her) Shawn: What’s goin’ on? Angela: (Less giddily) Hi… Sgt. Moore: Uh, I’m sure you two have a lot to talk about. I’ll be back at the hotel. Shawn: Uh, we should have dinner later, sir. Sgt. Moore: Yeah. I’d like that. Shawn: Good. (Sgt. Moore exits, turns to Angela) Okay, what’s going on? [Cut over to Cory and Topanga at the tables] Cory: (Throws down newspaper) Okay, what’s goin’ on? Topanga: Well, I’m up for this Brown-Elliot internship… Cory: (Interrupting) You, you, you, you! I’m talking about Shawn! (Points to Shawn) Topanga: Oh… Angela’s dad’s invited her to go to Europe with him. Shawn has no idea. [Cut back to Angela and Shawn] Shawn: Come on, how bad could it be with all the stuff that goes on in my life. Angela: (Sighs) my father wants me to go with him to Europe. Shawn: (Happily relieved) That’s it? Angela: Yeah, but… Shawn: (Interrupting) Go to Europe with your father! Where’s bad there? Angela: (Cautiously) For a year? Shawn: (Mortified) There’s bad. [SCENE – Eric, Jack, and Shawn’s apartment. Shawn is fixing a sandwich at the counter while Coty paces around] Cory: No. No. No. No. No. Shawn: (Not facing Cory) Wow. Europe. Cory: No. Shawn: I can just see her now. Cory: No. Shawn: Sitting in an outdoor café. Reading poetry. Sipping espresso. Cory: You know what else they got in Europe aside from cafés, Shawn? They got men. Men named… Paolo. Enrique! (Leans around Shawn thr*at) Milosh! And they sit there prowling around in their dirty Ferraris looking for that fresh American meat. (Pounds fist for effect) Shawn: Look, I trust Angela. Cory: (Does a callous French laugh, then speaks in a French accent) I’m eating a croissant! Jump into my Porsche, and we will drive on the wrong side of de road! (Imitating Angela) But I love Shawn! (In accent) Phooey on Shawn! If I was your man I would never let you go! (Points upwards authoritatively, paces back behind Shawn) Shawn couldn’t possibly satisfy you! (Shawn turns to Cory) He’s a little trailer body! With a stupid, American… Shawn: (Stopping Cory) Alright, okay, okay, shut up! (Walks over to the couch and sits) Cory: You know, I love that you can proudly lie to yourself while your life is just falling apart. Really! I just find it adorable. Shawn: (Shrugs) I just want Angela to be happy. Cory: (Points vindictively) You’re a liar! (Sits next to Shawn) A year away will k*ll your relationship. Shawn: How often do you really get to spend time with your father? Cory: (Slight pause) That’s nice, Shawn. You’re gonna nice yourself out of the girl you love? Shawn: (Pause, thinking) No. I’ve lost too many people that love me. I’m not letting this one go. Cory: Good. Shawn: I’m gonna tell her to stay. (Stands) Cory: (Stands, stopping Shawn) Nicht! Shawn: What? Cory: You can’t do that. Shawn: Why not? (Walks past Cory) Cory: Because you can’t make this decision for her. (Follows Shawn into the kitchen) I mean, that would be like me telling Topanga she can’t go to Yale. It’s a decision she’s gotta make on her own. Shawn: (Retrieves a Coke from the fridge) Well, isn’t that risky? Cory: Well, you said she loves you? Shawn: (Opens Coke) She does. Cory: ‘Kay, then there’s no risk. Listen to me, (puts his arm around Shawn) take it from experience. (Shawn sips his Coke) Women have gotta go through a process. With women, it’s all about the process. (A bit frustrated) And shoes. (Stews) Shawn: So if I let her go through this process, she’ll make the decision to stay all by herself. Cory: (Steps away, excitedly) Yes! And she’ll love you even more! And she’ll stay right here, never go anywhere, and always be in that living room. Shawn: (Calmly) Huh, this’ll be, like, the first time that everything’s turned out okay in my life. Cory: Definitely. The only monkey wrench is that I’ve noticed most of Topanga’s shoes… come from Europe. (He and Shawn exchange uncertain looks) [SCENE – Student Union. Jack is speaking on the phone, while Rachel sits on the couch] Jack: (On phone) But dad! But daddy! (Slowly lowers phone looking terrified, then meekly shuffles over to Rachel) Rachel: (Looking through a pamphlet) Peace Core could be a great way to see the world and help people at the same time. Jack: (Unconcerned with Rachel) Yeah, yeah, peace. I really need to talk about me right now. I have a serious crisis on my hands here. Rachel: (Sarcastically) Yeah, you, crisis. What could go wrong in that stupid charmed life of yours? Jack: (Sits, mortified) I’m poor. (Bites his hand sadly) My step-dad’s cutting me off, Rachel. Rachel: (Suddenly interested, puts down her pamphlet) Why? Jack: He doesn’t want me to start Um-Jack dot com! He thinks it’s risky, I think it’s brilliant! Idiot… He wants me to be an investment banker and follow in his footsteps. Rachel: Well… (Shrugs) Then work for your dad. Jack: I wanna start my own business. Rachel: (Smiles sheepishly) Then start your own business. Jack: How? I’ve got no money! I can’t be poor! I’m too good looking to be poor! Rachel: (Leans in) Jack, stick to your principles. Because without principles, you’re nothing but a shallow, soulless scum. (Nods certainly) [Cut to Eric, who has picked up the payphone Jack was on] Eric: (Into phone) Yes, hello, Jack’s rich step-father? I’ll be your son for money. (Pause while his smile quickly fades) Well, it sounds painful, sir, but I’ll do it for money. (Topanga enters and walks over to Cory, who had been near the counter) Cory: Hey, Topanga! Topanga: Hey, Cory. Cory: Listen, I’m so sorry for what I did. Topanga: What did you do? Cory: (A bit shocked) Aren’t we fighting? Topanga: (Brief pause, concernedly) No. Cory: Yeah, but I woke up alone this morning, I thought we had a sleep fight. Topanga: Cory, I had my on-campus interviews for the Brown-Elliot internship this morning. Cory: (Long pause, stares blankly. Then, suddenly chipper) Oh, yeeeaaaaahhh!! Hey! Brown-Elliot! Alright! (Chuckles) How’d that, uh… How’d that work out for ya? Topanga: I’m not sure, you know, I really appreciated it when they all applauded for me, but those things can be so hard to read. (Shawn enters, Cory immediately loses interest in Topanga and stares at Shawn) But they’re narrowed it down to only a hundred candidates. Cory: (Disinterested, stares at Shawn) Mm-hm, that’s… that’s great. (Quickly looks down to Topanga) Good for you. (Looks back up) Shawn! (Walks over to Shawn) Topanga: (Smiling at Cory, who by now has walked away) Thanks, honey! [Cut to Cory and Shawn, who’ve just met up across the room] Cory: Alright, now after Angela tells you that she’s decided to stay here, what do you say? Shawn: I tell her I wanted her to stay all along, and that my life is miserable without her. Cory: And this will…? Shawn: Validate her decision… (Grins cutely) And give me lots of kisses. Cory: (With Shawn, quickly laughs) I’ve taught you well. Now go get your girl, you crazy kid! (Shawn and Cory stare at each other smiling, then hug exaggeratedly and hold each other’s embrace excitedly) Shawn: (Almost inaudibly) Alright. (Gets away from Cory, who is almost laughing happily. He goes outside, where Angela sits, presumably studying, at a table) Hi. Angela: Hey. (Shawn sits) You know I’m going crazy about this. Shawn: Aw, me too. Angela: Thanks for letting me work it out. Shawn: No, hey, you had to go through your process. Angela: Well, I went back and forth so many times, because you mean everything in the world to me. (Gazes deeply at him) Shawn: (Quietly, seriously) You mean everything to me. Angela: (Shakes her head wistfully) And I could never leave you. Shawn: (Grins widely before speaking) And I could never leave you. (Hugs her) Angela: (While hugging, giggles, then rubs Shawn’s back. Her smiles fades quickly) Unless… you said… I could go… Shawn: (Separates, taken aback) What? Angela: When will I ever get a change like this to be with my father? (Shawn, speechless, takes a long pause before weakly nodding) [SCENE – Cory and Topanga’s apartment. Cory, in a white T-shirt and boxers, stands holding the door open. Shawn is in the doorway] Cory: Well, where have you been for two days? Shawn: (Walks in) I’ve been spending all my time with Angela. Cory: (Shuts the door) That’s what I like to hear. (He and Shawn sit on the couch) So, did she tell her dad the bad news? How’d he take it? Shawn: She’s going to Europe, Cor. Cory: She’s wha? Shawn: (Collectedly) She’s leaving. Cory: Whoa, whoa, whoa, rewind for a second. Shawn: Well, we sat down, and she said that she wouldn’t go if I told her not to. But, y’know, she wants to go. She wants to be with her dad. What could I do? Cory: (Sighs disgustedly, rubbing his forehead) Ugh. (Looks up, snapping) Are you n*zi faking? She wants you to fight for her, man! Shawn: No, there’s no fight. Okay, the process: it’s over. She’s going! Cory: She’s testing you. She wants you to show her how much you love her, Shawn. Shawn: She knows how much I love her. Cory: Yeah, but apparently not enough to keep her from going. Right? (Shawn looks inquisitively) I mean, you failed the test, Shawn. (Stands) You forgot to pay attention to what she wants. (Points to the bedroom) Topanga. Topanga is always testing me. Always. It’s nothing but tests between me and the old lady. But I always pass. You wanna know why, Shawn? Because I PAY ATTENTION! [Enter Topanga from the bedroom looking sharp in a business skirt and whatnot] Topanga: Okay, wish me luck, I’m leaving. Cory: (To Topanga, quickly and disinterested) Good luck. (Walks away to the kitchen) Shawn: What, you’re leaving your man, too, Topanga? Topanga: (Opens the door) No, I have the final round of interviews in New York. I’ll be back before Angela leaves, though. Cory: (To Topanga) Hey! Angela is not leaving! Okay? (Walks over to Topanga) That’s negative! And we do not need any Negative Nellies around right now, so good-bye… Nellie! (Turns around to Shawn, his back to Topanga. Topanga steps closer, Cory turns back to face her) Can I help you? Topanga: Aren’t you gonna kiss me for good luck? Cory: Good luck. (They kiss) Topanga: Thanks. (Exits) Cory: (Turns to Shawn, lecturing) Shawn, you failed. (Sits) You failed because you have absolutely no idea what’s going on with your woman! Shawn: Where was Topanga going? Cory: I dunno. (Shrugs) Laundromat? Shawn: Okay, why would Angela say that she wants to go, if she doesn’t? Cory: Because how could she turn down her old man unless someone tells her to? (Shawn thinks) Her father’s a strong guy, Shawn. Okay, he told her to go. But she was waiting for an even stronger person to tell her not to. Shawn: You’re right. (Stands) (Somberly) I didn’t fight, I let her go. (Paces, turns to Cory) You told me to do nothing! Cory: (Stands) No, I told you to do nothing if she decided to stay. (Increasing intensity) If she decided to go, what idiot wouldn’t do something? I mean, I can’t believe I have to tell you this… Shawn: (Stopping Cory) Okay, okay, okay, don’t yell at me. Cory: Did you once ask her to stay? Shawn: (Dolefully) No… Cory: Okay, Shawn, then what choice does she have but to go? Shawn: (Looks up) None. Cory: It’s you versus her dad. I realize that you like the guy, Shawn, but you’re fighting for the woman you love. [SCENE – Angela and Rachel’s dorm. It is a mess, as Angela and her father have undoubtedly spent countless hours packing all of Angela’s stuff for her pending excursion to Europe. Sgt. Moore is there alone when there’s a knock at the door. Shawn bursts in] Shawn: Angela! Sgt. Moore: (Taping a box shut, squatting) Angela went to get more boxes, Shawn. She’ll be back soon. Shawn: (Out of breath) Um… She’s not leaving, sir. Sgt. Moore: (Stands) She’s not? Shawn: No. I’m gonna ask her to stay, and… she will. ‘Cause she wants to be with me. Sgt. Moore: Shawn, Angela’s leaving with me. Shawn: (Laughs reflectively) I thought you were my friend. (Shuts the door) Sgt. Moore: (Now sitting on a bed, packing) We are friends. Shawn: Yeah? (Paces into the room) ‘Cause, what kind of friend puts us together, and then rips us apart because he wants to go to Europe? Sgt. Moore: That was never my intention, Shawn. Shawn: Oh, it wasn’t? Well then, what was your intention? Because you’re taking her away from her friends… and the person that loves her. She’s got a life here. How could you do that to her? Sgt. Moore: I want what’s best for Angela. Shawn: I’m what’s best for Angela. Hey, I am here for her every single day of her life. Can you say that, sir? Sgt. Moore: (Stands, towering dauntingly of Shawn) No, I can’t. Shawn: (Looking up at Sgt. Moore bravely) Well, I can. And I know what that’s worth. Because no one who loved me ever was. Not my mom, not my dad. Sgt. Moore: (Puts his hand on Shawn’s shoulder) I’m sorry that happened to you, son. (Walks away) Shawn: You know, I went away once. Sgt. Moore: Yeah, Angela told me about that. Shawn: (Paces broodingly) I left everyone behind that meant anything to me. And that’s what brought me back. (Turns to Sgt. Moore) (Forcefully) When I realized that nothing out there meant more than the people that are here for you EVERY SINGLE DAY! Sgt. Moore: (Calmly) Look, I know how you feel, Shawn. I’ve spent far too much time away from my daughter. This may be my last chance to spend some real time with her. This may sound selfish, but I’m not gonna let anything get in the way of that. Shawn: (Acutely) Well this may sound selfish, but… (Crosses his arms) what if I asked her to marry me? Sgt. Moore: (Speechlessly) Uh… Shawn: You said you liked me. (Pause) How much do you like me now? (After a long pause, the two break into uncomfortable laughter led by Sgt. Moore) (While laughing) I don’t know what we’re laughing at, I’m very uncomfortable, sir. Sgt. Moore: If you and Angela decide that you wanna get married. You think you can take care of each other for the rest of your lives… Then I’ll step aside. And let you be the most important man in her life. Shawn: I guess we’re just two guys who love the same girl and want what’s best for her. Sgt. Moore: Well, then one of us better figure out what that is. (Smiles) (Chuckling quietly) Hm! [Angela enters] Angela: What’s going on here? Shawn: (Backs away from Sgt. Moore quickly) Nothin’. Sgt. Moore: (Briskly) We weren’t even talking about you. Angela: (Approaches Shawn) You came to say good-bye to me? Shawn: (Scratching his temple contemplatively) Huh… no. No, I will never say good-bye to you, because if I say good-bye to you then, (exhales audibly) whoo! That’s it! That’s good-bye. Angela: You’re right. We should never say good-bye. Because we’re gonna write each other every day and we’re gonna call each other and it’ll be like we’ve never even been apart. Shawn: Yes. Exactly. We should never be apart. (Pause) I love you. Angela: I love you, too. Shawn: (Peers towards Sgt. Moore then leads Angela to the door) And when you love somebody, Angela, it’s okay to be a little selfish. Angela: Yeah? (Kisses him passionately) Thank you… for letting me be selfish. Shawn: No, no. Not you, me. (Swallows hard) Look, there’s something I gotta ask you right now. Angela: You know, because you’re the only person that knows how important it is for me and my dad to spend this time together. (Backs away into her father’s arms, Shawn’s expression is one of horrified loss and unexplainable heartbreak as he and Angela’s hands separate) I only wish you and you dad had this time together. I’m so sorry you didn’t. (Pause) Thank you for giving me my chance. Shawn: (Takes a long moment to find the right words, then barely chokes them out) I’m really happy for both of you. Angela: (Walks back to Shawn, closely) What was it that you wanted to ask me? Shawn: (Smiles weakly) Oh, never mind. (Pause) I figured it out. (Sgt. Moore looks on with seeming approval and Angela strokes Shawn’s goatee affectionately) [SCENE – Student Union. It is the day of Angela’s departure. Angela and Shawn enter carrying several bulky bags. Eric, Jack, Rachel, and Cory sit on the couch] Rachel: (Sees Angela) Oh, our world traveler! (Stands nears Angela) Everyone: (Cheering at once) Hey! Woo! Angela! Angela: Guys. Rachel: Oh, I can’t believe you’re leaving! (Hugs Angela, while hugging) My room is gonna be so big without my roomie. Angela: I’ll be back sooner than you think. Rachel: Yeah, but I won’t be here. I’m graduating! (Smiles) Angela: (Choked up) Oh, Rachel… Rachel: Angela! (Hugs her again) Oh! Jack: (Approaches the hugging girls, who separate) Wow… you’re gonna have a great time in Europe, I’m sure of it. Angela: (To all) Aw, I wish you guys were coming with me. Jack: (Smiling awkwardly) Yeah! I wish too, y’know? But it’s funny, ‘cause I can’t really afford to go anywhere anymore. (Laughs, then abruptly begins weeping) Oh, Jack! (Wanders back to his seat, Rachel comes behind him and rubs his shoulders. They then both sit) Eric: (Now standing, holding out his arms) Angela! Angela: Eric! Eric: Angela-a! Come on! Come on! It’s alright! (Hugs a vaguely resistant Angela) Yeah, let it out, girl! Let it out! Oh! Mm, let it out! Angela: (Disbelievingly) Eric, we’re touching. (Laughs) Eric: Mm… (Singing) Ooh, ooh, child. Things are gonna get easier. Ooh, ooh, child, things’ll get brighter. Come on, move with me! (Still hugging Angela, they rock back and forth) There! (Angela is laughing) [Cut down to Jack and Rachel, sitting] Jack: (To Rachel) How am I supposed to survive without money? Rachel: Oh, Jack, you’re just gonna have to scale it down. No more fancy restaurants, no more designer clothes, no more fifty dollar haircuts. (Gestures to his hair) Jack: (Touching his hair, as though checking to see that it’s there) But that’s Jack! I can’t do that to Jack! Rachel: You’re really desperate, aren’t you? (Jack hangs his head) It’s kinda fun. (Giggles) [Cut back up to Eric and Angela, who have stopping hugging. Eric is holding a stack of photos of himself] Eric: ‘Kay, so I want you to do me a favor. I want you to hand these out to all the European girls you see, okay? And tell them that if they want me to be their American boyfriend, my number’s right there at the bottom of the picture, okay? Now, I’ve only got five hundred so don’t be handing them out to any hairy chicks, alright? (Holds them out to Angela) Angela: (Reluctantly takes them) (Insincerely) I’ll do my best. Eric: (Smiling) I’m gonna miss you. You were always my favorite. Angela: Really? Eric: (Shrugging & Shaking his head) I dunno… (Walks to the couch and sits) Angela: (Hands off Eric’s photos to a random girl, then circles around the back of the couch) Cory, is she gonna make it? Cory: (Stands) Yeah, yeah, she’ll be here. Y’know, she’s been busy lately doing… I don’t know, something. Angela: Cory? Cory: Yeah? Angela: Thanks. Cory: For what? Angela: For being my friend. Believing in me and Shawn as much as you believe in you and Topanga. (Pulls Shawn close and holds him) (To Cory) I owe you. [Topanga enters, hurried] Topanga: Where is she? Where is she? Angela: (Excitedly, runs over to Topanga) Topanga! (Laughs, runs into Topanga’s hug) Topanga: (While hugging) I was afraid I wasn’t gonna make it. (Looks at Angela) I’m gonna miss you so much. Angela: Yeah, but what am I gonna do without my best friend? Topanga: (Pause, collects herself) You’re gonna do great. Send me shoes. (Cory perks up at the mention of the word, then looks to Shawn) [Enter Sgt. Moore in uniform. He removes his hat] Sgt. Moore: (To Angela) You ready, baby? Cab’s waiting. (Slowly, Angela steps away from Topanga and walks towards Shawn who, with Cory, stands) Angela: (Closely, to Shawn) Let’s not say good-bye. (Shawn nods) Let’s just say, “I love you.” (Puts her hands on Shawn’s shoulders) Shawn: (Holds Angela’s arms) (Quietly, emotionally) I love you, too. I always will. (They have a big hug, then Angela slowly backs away) (To Sgt. Moore) Take care of her, sir. Sgt. Moore: (Angela now at his side) Good man, Shawn. Thank you for giving me and my daughter this chance. Shawn: (Searches for words) (Quietly, emotionally) I know how important it is. (Sgt. Moore puts on his hat and takes his bags. He exits. Angela lingers behind, staring at Shawn longingly. Slowly, she backs out and opens the door. She steps outside, letting the door shut, whiling still staring at Shawn through the glass. She takes a couple more steps back, then finally turns and exits) Shawn: (To self) Good-bye, Angela. (Shuts his eyes, hangs his head) Cory: (Approaches Shawn from behind, puts his hands on Shawn’s shoulders comfortingly) Don’t spin out of control, okay? (Pats Shawn’s back) Topanga: (Approaches timidly) Cory. I got that Brown-Elliot internship. Cory: (With Shawn, turns to face Topanga) Huh? Topanga: Yeah, they offered me a scholarship at NYU Law School. And they told me that once I graduate and pass the bar, they would like me to work for their firm. Cory: (Very confused) What are… Who are… (Points) Where is this coming from, you? (Steps closer, almost thr*at) Wha… What are… What have you been doing? Topanga: (Pause, somberly) Cory, we have to move to New York. Shawn: (Puts his hands on Cory’s shoulders) Don’t spin out of control. Cory: (Begins shaking violently and uncontrollably) What, why, what, WHY? (Grabs Shawn’s wrists) Why did no one tell me!? (Turns, grabs Topanga’s wrists) Why did no one tell me about that? (Still holding Topanga, grabs Shawn’s wrist) Please, someone’s gotta tell me! Someone’s always gotta tell Cory! (Falls to his knees, still dragging Topanga and Shawn) WHY, GOD, WHY?! WHY?!?! To Be Continued…

{"type": "series", "show": "Boy Meets World", "episode": "07x21 - Angela's Ashes"}

foreverdreaming

Opening credits -- Scene one: CORY: I do not want to move to New York. New York has big, hairy, scary monsters. That’s not what I want to do with my life. SHAWN: What about Topanga’s life? CORY: Who cares about…Why does everyone take Topanga’s side? ERIC: Boobies. JACK AND RACHEL ENTER. JACK: I did it! I joined the Peace Corps! SHAWN: Are you serious? JACK: (SARCASM) Yeah. I’m gonna sit in a hut and eat mud. It’s a plan! My stepdad’s gonna cut me off? I’m gonna cut HIM off. I signed up for a one-way ticket to a little village called Chak Chak. ERIC: I’m gonna be a tugboat cap’n. SHAWN: (TO JACK) Actually, a year or two doing good in the world might be just what you need, Jack. I’ll tell you what I need. I need my stepdad to think I’m actually gonna join, and then gimme three mil not to help anybody! ERIC: Tugboat cap’ns help a lot of people. Through tugging. RACHEL: Actually, Angela going to Europe got me thinking about maybe doing some traveling. I mean, I could just see Angela now, surrounded by culture and handsome Frenchmen, having the time of her life. What do you all think? SHAWN: (EMOTIONALLY) I think you’re the most cruelest person on the face of the Earth. TOPANGA ENTERS. THE ROOM STILLS. TOPANGA: Cory. I’ve been thinking about this whole New York thing. CORY: I have, too. And I’m gonna tell you what we’re gonna do, Topanga. We are-- TOPANGA: This is where our friends are. This is where we grew up. This is where we should stay. I’m turning down the internship. CORY: We’re gonna do what ever you want. What ever you say. I mean, I was kinda lookin’ forward to it. But you don’t wanna go. Huh. Gee. I’m really torn. OUT OF HER VIEW HE MAKES A FACE OF EXTREME JOY. TOPANGA: Yeah. Well. We should stay here. I’ll see you at home. CORY: (NODS) Where we live. TOPANGA TURNS AND EXITS. CORY DANCES. CORY: (CONT’D) We’re not going to New York! Nothing’s gonna change! YAYYYY!! SHAWN: You know she didn’t mean a word she just said, right? CORY: I know, but for now, join me in fooling myself. HE GRABS SHAWN’S AND THEY BOTH DANCE. FADE OUT: CORY IS SITTING ALONE IN THE BACKYARD. ERIC ENTERS AND SITS NEXT TO HIM. ERIC: You want? Should I? CORY: Wouldja? ERIC: Okay. (STANDS) FEE-NEH! Fee-hee-hee-hee, NEH! (SOMETHING NEW) Feeeeee-neee. Oooo, that was a good one. FEENY BARGES OUT OF HIS HOUSE. FEENY: You are not calling a duck! ERIC: Oh, c’mon. You love the “Feeny Call.” Admit it, Feeny. I have a feeling we’re not going to be together much longer. Admit it, before it’s too late. FEENY TAKES IT IN. FEENY: (GRUDGINGLY) I love the “Feeny Call.” I love Fee-hee-NEH the best. ERIC: I know, I made this for ya. ERIC TAKES OUT A PULL-STRING ERIC DOLL. HE PULLS THE STRING. ERIC DOLL: Fee-NEH! Fee-hee-hee-NEH! Feeeee-neeee! FEENY: Bone chilling, Mr. Matthews. ERIC: (LOOKING ON PROUDLY) Yeah, and they can put it in your coffin after ya kick. FEENY: Oh, Goody. ERIC: (DANGLES THE DOLL) Look. It’s Eric doing “Mission Impossible.” All right, enough of this love-fest. Cory’s in trouble. He’s afraid of change. Give him the usual. ERIC EXITS, LEAVING FEENY AND CORY ALONE. DURING THE FOLLOWING, CORY IS EMOTIONALLY ALL OVER THE PLACE. CORY: I’ll have the usual. FEENY: (SMILES) Hi, Cory. CORY: Mr. Matthews. Call me Mr. Matthews. I want things to go back to how they were. FEENY: Fine. “Mr. Matthews.” CORY: You’re supposed to stand by the fence. Your best advice comes from the fence. FEENY: Okay, what can I do for you? CORY: Topanga’s got this job offer. An internship at a law firm in New York City-- FEENY/CORY: And she turned it down Because of me. Hey! How did you know? FEENY: What if she didn’t turn it down because of you? CORY: Of course she did. You’re slipping, Feeny. You’re wrong about this one. (SMILES, QUIETLY) Okay, there’s your opening. Now get me. FEENY: You see this flower? CORY: Yayy! A garden metaphor! We’re gonna do a garden metaphor! FEENY: The flower used to be in a small pot in my living room. But it outgrew it’s surroundings, so I transplanted it here in the garden. CORY: It seems like it’s okay. FEENY: Yes, it’s flourishing. Now, Topanga has always thrived here. She’s been successful at everything she has ever done. Here. CORY: She’d be successful anywhere. FEENY: Do you believe that? CORY: Of course I do. FEENY: Does she? CORY: What? FEENY: You know, before she chose not to attend Yale, she came to talk to me in my office. CORY: About me, right? She told you she didn’t want to go to Yale because of me, right? FEENY: Yes, that’s what she said. CORY: It’s not about me? FEENY: So, when I pulled the flower out of the little pot in the living room, it resisted a little. It tried to hold on by its roots. I had to force it out. CORY: Because you were sure it would do better out here. In the world. FEENY: Because I was sure that if I left it where it was, it would stop growing. SCENE 2: CORY IS WAITING ON THE COUCH IN THEIR APPARTMENT FOR TOPANGA, WHO ENTERS. CORY: Hey. TOPANGA: Hi. CORY: Thanks for turning down New York. I think you did the right thing. TOPANGA: You’re welcome. We belong here. (THEN) Is there any tuna fish? CORY: Yeah, I don’t know if I could’ve made it in New York. TOPANGA: Yeah, tough town. Any tuna? CORY: Yeah. Thanks for turning down Yale for me, too. TOPANGA LOOKS AT HIM. SHE KNOWS SOMETHING’S UP. TOPANGA: If you ate the tuna why don’t you just say so? CORY: We should go to Yale, someday, and take pictures of those ivy-covered buildings you never set foot in. TOPANGA: (GRABS HIM BY THE SHIRT COLLAR) You got something to tell me, just say it! CORY: I ate the tuna fish…and then I had a talk with Feeny. TOPANGA: About what? CORY: He thinks you’re chicken. TOPANGA STOPS IN HER TRACKS, STUNNED. TOPANGA: He does? CORY: He thinks you’re a big tuna fish in a small pot in his living room, wait I wrote it down on my hand. TOPANGA: When have I ever been afraid of anything in my life? CORY: Right now. You’re scared, Honey. It’s okay. I’m scared, too. TOPANGA: (SARCASM) Yeah. I’m scared of Yale. I have better grades than you, Shawn and Eric combined! CORY: So does my shoe. TOPANGA: I have never failed at one thing! CORY: No, you never have. And you never will as long as you stay here and play it safe. THIS STOPS TOPANGA. SHE LOOKS AT HIM. CORY: (CONT’D) Feeny told me you came to him about Yale. TOPANGA: (WEAKLY) No, I didn’t. I never did. CORY: (REASSURINGLY) It’s okay. I love you. Look. CORY GENTLY PULLS TO THE SIDE OF THE FRAME TO MAKE ROOM FOR THE FLASHBACK SCENE OF TOPANGA REVEALING HER FEAR TO FEENY, THAT AIRS ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE SPLIT SCREEN. BOTH FEENY AND TOPANGA ARE SEATED. TOPANGA: Do you think I would be okay at Yale, Mr. Feeny? FEENY: If you’re asking, do I think you’ll be successful. I would have to say, duh. They wouldn’t have accepted you if they didn’t think you would do well. TOPANGA: I don’t know what to do. FEENY: What do you want? TOPANGA: If I knew I wouldn’t have come to see you. What do I do about Cory? FEENY: This isn’t about Cory and you know it. This is about you. TOPANGA: What do you mean? Ms. Lawrence, whether you go to Yale or not, certainly you’re smart enough to know what I mean. BACK TO PRESENT. TOPANGA: (FIGHTING THIS REVELATION) Shut up. Shut up, I’m not listening to you. It doesn’t matter what Feeny said. I didn’t go to Yale for you! I’m not going to New York because of you! I ‘m doing this for us. CORY: Oh. Well…I want to go to New York. TOPANGA: You do not. CORY: Yeah. I need room to grow, Topanga. I don’t think it’s fair that you keep me from growing. TOPANGA UNDERSTANDS THE SACRIFICE CORY IS MAKING. TOPANGA: You would do that for me? CORY: I would do anything for you. TOPANGA HOLDS HIM. SHE PUTS HER HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER. TOPANGA: I’m scared, Cory. CORY: I know you are. TOPANGA: What if I fail? CORY: Then I will see this girl who took an incredible risk… She danced the dance. (HE KISSES HER ON HER FOREHEAD) And if you fail, there’s a real chance I will love you more. THEY HUG EACH OTHER AND HOLD EACH OTHER FOR A WHILE. TOPANGA: We are going to New York. We’re going to start the next chapter of our lives, CORY: How’m I taking it? TOPANGA: (SMILES) Better than me. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER WITH A SMILE THAT SAYS, “PRETTY WILD WE’RE GOING ON THIS ADVENTURE…” FADE OUT ACT TWO; SCENE 1: ALAN, AMY, MORGAN AND JOSHUA ARE IN THE BACKYARD. AMY IS WEEPING. ALAN IS bl*wing SOAP BUBBLES FOR JOSH. AMY: What do they mean New York? New York is crazy! They’re just babies! There’s no babies in New York! The rats will eat ‘em! MORGAN: Get a hold of yourself! You’re psycho! AMY: Very nice, your mother’s psycho. Alan, I’m psycho now. ALAN: Don’t call your mother psycho, Honey. It’s not nice. MORGAN: Mom, sometimes it’s time to move on. Someday I’m gonna leave the nest. AMY: You watch your mouth! (CRYING) Cory and Topanga are going to the big city! I’m inconsolable! ALAN: Eric has decided to go with them. AMY CONSIDERS THAT AND STOPS CRYING AND STARTS TO SMILE. AMY: Oh. (STRAIGHTENING HERSELF UP) So, what’s for lunch? RESET TO: JACK AND RACHEL ARE IN THE KITCHEN TALKING. RACHEL: When’s your boat leaving for Chak Chak, Jack? JACK: (SMILES) What’s the difference? I ain’t on it. My stepdad heard about my Peace Corps idea. He freaked. He spotted me all the money I needed. “I’mJack.com” lives, Baby! RACHEL: Oh. That’s too bad. JACK: Why? RACHEL: I was looking forward to being Peace Corps buddies with you. JACK: But I thought you were going to travel the world. RACHEL: I will. Right after I do some good in it. JACK: Well. I’m… wow. So, you’re gonna go to Chak Chak. EXTENDS HIS HAND. RACHEL: (SHAKES IT) And you’re gonna be rich. ANGLE ON: CORY AND TOPANGA, SHAWN AND ERIC, WHO ENTER FROM THE LIVING ROOM WITH SUITCASES. THEY PUT THEM IN A PILE ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR. CORY: Okay, that’s everything. TOPANGA: I can’t believe we’re actually doing this. ERIC: I feel this is the right move for me. No one knows me in New York. I could be whoever I want. TOPANGA: I want you to be Eric. ERIC: Thanks, sis. ERIC MOVES TO JACK AND RACHEL. ERIC: (CONT’D) I’m going to New York. JACK: Good. THEY THROW THEIR ARMS AROUND EACH OTHER. CORY: Well, I guess this is it, guys. The best good-byes are fast good-byes. SHAWN: Are you freakin; NUTS?!?! Where is your SOUL, Man?! Are you just gonna cast me aside like an old pair of shows? We have to say good-bye for an hour! TOPANGA: Guys, it’s only seventy miles away. CORY: (OPENLY SOBBING) No no no!! I was just doing it QUICK because I thought YOU wanted to do it QUICK! TOPANGA: If you stand on your tiptoes you can see the Empire State Building. CORY: I love long good-byes. I was just doing it to save you from crying!!! SHAWN: (A GIRL) Really? TOPANGA: I want a divorce. ALAN, AMY, MORGAN AND JOSHUA ENTER FROM THE BACKYARD. MORGAN: So this is it, huh? CORY: Yes. This is-- SHAWN: (TRAGICALLY) Good-bye. TOPANGA: That’s it! I can’t take it anymore! TOPANGA GRABS A BACKPACK AND THROWS IT AT SHAWN’S FEET. TOPANGA: (CONT’D) Here! I knew it would come to this. CORY: What’s that? TOPANGA: His stuff. CORY: He’s coming with us? SHAWN: I’m going with you? (JOYFUL) Really?? TOPANGA: Oh, please. You know you’re going with us. CORY AND SHAWN HUG AND DANCE. CORY/SHAWN: YAYY YAAYYY YAYY!! SHAWN: Whoa, whoa whoa! (INDIGNANT) What makes you think I can just pick up and leave. I have a life, I have a father and a mother and a girlfriend and a good job-- SHAWN AND CORY CRACK UP AT THAT. SHAWN: (CONT’D) Wait. Everything I own is in this bag? TOPANGA: (SYMPATHETICALLY) Yeah. SHAWN: Wow. Pretty sad. ANGLE ON: ALAN AND ERIC. ERIC: So, you’re probably not going to miss me at all, huh? ALAN: Not one bit. ERIC: Is that a tear in your eye? ALAN: (EYES WATERY) No. ERIC: Baby. LAST BIT OF PARENTING. ALAN: (SOFTLY) Take the turnpike. It’s faster. AMY: (SOFTLY) Put on a jacket. It’s suppose to cool off. ALAN: And when you walk around New York. Look like you belong there. AMY: (BLURTS) And don’t you dare get Topanga pregnant until you are absolutely ready. ERIC: I won’t. ANGLE ON: SHAWN AND JACK. JACK: What, do we say good-bye, now? How do we do that? SHAWN: I could never have handled Dad’s death without you. JACK: I wish he could be here to us finally getting along. CHET ENTERS. HE WALKS BETWEEN HIS BOYS AND PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND BOTH OF THEM. THEY DON’T REALIZE HE’S THERE BECAUSE HE IS A GHOST. CHET: I am here, boys. I’m always here for ya. JACK: He’d be proud of you. Starting this adventure in New York with nothing but the clothes on your back. SHAWN: Yeah, well Dad always said, (IMITATES CHET) “Money don’t make you rich. Life makes you rich.” CHET: I don’t talk nothin’ like that. JACK: (TO SHAWN) You never had a nickel in your pocket and it was never important to you. I admire you, Shawn. Heck, I admire you more that I admire me. SHAWN: Uh oh. CHET: “Uh oh” what? JACK: (CALLS) Rachel! RACHEL ENTERS AND MOVES TO THEM. RACHEL: Yeah? JACK: Save me a seat next to you on the boat. I can’t believe I just say that. CHET: What’d you do? (TO SHAWN) What’d he do? RACHEL: (SMILES) You’re giving up your stepfather’s money? CHET: What money?! What in the Sam Hill is she talkin’ about? JACK: Money doesn’t make you rich. Life makes you rich. Our father taught us that. CHET: Did not! That’s insane! Money makes you rich. Ask anybody! What makes you rich? Money! I got two stupid sons. You’re makin’ me ashamed in front of my d*ad friends! HE SLAPS JACK IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD. RACHEL: (HUGS JACK) We’re going into the Peace Corps. CHET: (SOFTENS) The Peace Corps? You gonna do good for people? They like that up here. CHET PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND BOTH OF HIS SONS. CHET: I am proud of both of you and I know you will do good in the world. RESET TO: BACKYARD WITH CORY DEEP IN THOUGHT. JOSHUA AND TOPANGA ARE STANDING AT THE DOOR. TOPANGA: There’s someone who wants to see you. CORY: Come here, Josh. JOSH COMES TOWARD CORY. CORY TAKES HIS HAND. CORY: How are you? JOSH: Good. CORY: Well, I’d like to have a little chat with you. Is that okay with you? JOSH: Yeah. CORY: Though you are a little boy, you will soon have to make your own choices. And you’re going to learn something from it everyday. And make mistakes. (CLIP) And make good friends. (CLIP) and Mr. Feeny will probably teach every grade you’re ever in. (MONTAGE CLIP OF FEENY TEACHING IN EVERY GRADE) And maybe someday you’ll fall in love with a woman as wonderful as Topanga. (CLIP) And be lucky enough to make have a good friend as Shawn. (CLIP) And when you are not a little boy anymore, when the world has taught you how to be a man… then you’ll still make mistakes. But your family, and all of those good friends you’ve made along the way, will help you. (CLIP) And even though you’ll think the world has gone out of it’s way to teach you some tough lessons, you’ll realize that it’s the same world that’s given you your family and those friends, and you’ll come to believe that no matter what happens, somehow the world will protect you, too. (SMILES. REALIZES) “Boy Meets World.” Now I get it. TOPANGA AND ERIC ENTER FROM THE HOUSE. CORY: (CONT’D) Did you call him? ERIC: I called him. He’ll be there. SHAWN, JACK AND RACHEL ENTER FROM THE HOUSE. CORY LOOKS AT THEM AND SMILES. CORY: You ready? SHAWN: I was born ready. TOPANGA: Let’s do it. THEY EXIT. EXCEPT CORY. CORY TAKES IN THE BACKYARD, FEENY’S YARD, AND MOVES TO HIS PARENTS AND MORGAN WHO ARE WATCHING. CORY: (TO THEM ALL) Thank you. I’ll do the best I can. AMY: We know you will. ALAN: We’re always here for you, Cory. CORY: I know. CORY MOVES TO MORGAN. CORY: (CONT’D) Take care of them, Morgan. MORGAN: I will. Take care of yourself, Cory. HE MOVES TO ALAN AND AMY. THEY HUG. CORY: Bye. CORY EXITS. SCENE 2: FEENY ENTERS THE JUNIOR HIGH CLASSROOM. HE LOOKS ILL-AT-EASE. HE PERUSES THE CLASSROOM, TAKING IN THE SYMBOLS SUCH AS THE AMERICAN FLAG, THE CHALKBOARD AND A GLOBE. CORY, SHAWN, TOPANGA AND ERIC STREAM IN. THEY TAKE THEIR SEATS AT THE TOO-SMALL DESKS. FEENY SETTLES AT THE FRONT OF THE CLASS. FEENY: (BREAKING THE SILENCE) What? CORY: We’re leaving. FEENY: I know. TOPANGA: We wanted to know if you have anything else to teach us. FEENY: No. My work with you is done. SHAWN: I don’t know. It’s pretty scary. We’re going out into a whole, new world. FEENY: And you are ready to go into that world. ERIC: Even me? FEENY: (SMILES AT ERIC) Even you. (ADDRESSES THEM ALL) Believe in yourselves. Dream. Try. Do good. TOPANGA: Don’t you mean do “well”? FEENY: No. I mean do good. ERIC: All right, Feeny. One last thing: Tell us you love us. FEENY: Look, if there’s one thing I’ve taught you, it’s that there is a line between teacher and student that tmust never be crossed. ERIC: Tell us you love us! FEENY: I regard all my students equally. SHAWN: Oh, C’mon. You know we’re you’re favorites! CORY: Come on Feeny! You haven’t even talked to another student for seven years. ERIC: Tell us you love us. FEENY: I surely will not. ERIC: (SMILES) Okay for you, then. TOPANGA MOVES TO FEENY FIRST FOR HER GOOD-BYE. SHE LOOKS AT HIM AND GIVES HIM A LONG, TIGHT HUG. TOPANGA: I will never forget you. You were more of a father to me than my own dad. SHE KISSES HIM AND EXITS. SHAWN MOVES TO FEENY. SHAWN: You never gave up on me. Never once. You’re the best person I know. FEENY STICKS OUT HIS HAND. SHAWN IGNORES IT AND HUGS HIM AND EXITS. ERIC MOVES TO FEENY. ERIC: I don’t know what’s going to happen to me. But I do know that I’m going to be a good person who cares about people. I blame you for that. FEENY HOLDS OUT HIS ARMS TO HUG ERIC. ERIC SHAKES HIS HAND. HE TURNS TO GO. HE TURNS BACK AND HUGS FEENY. ERIC EXITS. CORY IS LEFT ALONE WITH FEENY. FEENY: So. Mr. Matthews. CORY: You think we know each other long enough now for you to call me Cory? FEENY: Mr. Matthews, I think we know each other long enough now for me to call you Cornelius. CORY: Shhh! Topanga doesn’t even know that! FEENY: Your secret’s safe with me. CORY: I got Topanga to go to New York. FEENY: Good for you. CORY: She’s not even scared anymore. FEENY: Nor should she be. CORY: But I am. FEENY: Well, you have a right to be. THEY HUG EACH OTHER. CORY: You coming with us? You gonna follow us? You gonna sneak up on us in Central Park? FEENY: No, Mr. Matthews. I shall remain here. CORY: No. You’ll be with us. As long as we live. CORY TURNS AND EXITS. FEENY TAKES ONE LAST LOOK AT THE EMPTY CHAIRS. FEENY: I love you. I love you all. Class dismissed. FEENY TURNS AND EXITS THE CLASS. WE LINGER ON THE EMPTY CLASS, WE FADE OUT:

{"type": "series", "show": "Boy Meets World", "episode": "07x22 & 07x23 - Brave New World (Part 1 & 2)"}

foreverdreaming

Scene: Desert Walter: My name is Walter Hartwell White. I live at 308 Negra Arroyo Lane Albuquerque, New Mexico, 87104. To all law enforcement entities, this is not an admission of guilt. I am speaking to my family now. Skyler you are the love of my life. I hope you know that. Walter Junior you're my big man. There are going to be some things. Things that you'll come to learn about me in the next few days. I just want you to know that no matter how it may look, I only had you in my heart. Goodbye. Scene: White Residence (Three weeks earlier) Skyler: Happy Birthday. Walter: Look at that. Skyler: That is veggie bacon. Believe it or not. Zero cholesterol. You won't even taste the difference. What time do you think you'll be home? Walter: Same time. Skyler: I don't want him dicking you around tonight. You get paid till 5, you work till 5, no later. Walter: Hey. Walter Jr: Happy birthday. Walter: Well, thank you. Skyler: You're late again. Walter Jr: There was no hot water again. Skyler: I have an easy fix for that. You wake up early, and then you get to be the first person in the shower. Walter Jr: I have an idea. How about buy a new hot water heater? How's that idea? For the millionth and billionth time. Skyler: Did you take your Echinacea? Walter: Yeah. I think it's getting better. Walter Jr: What the hell is this? Walter: It's veggie bacon. We're watching our cholesterol, I guess. Walter Jr: Not me. I want real bacon. Not this fake crap. Skyler: Too bad. Eat it. Walter Jr: This smells like Band-aids. Skyler: Eat it. Walter Jr: So, how's it feel to be old? Walter: How does it feel to be a smart ass? Walter Jr: Good. Walter: Eat your veggie bacon. Scene: High School Parking Lot Walter: You all set? Walter Jr: Yeah, I'm fine. Walter: All right, see you at home. Walter Jr: Okay, see you. Scene: Walt’s Classroom Walter: Chemistry. It is the study of what? Anyone? Ben. Ben: Chemicals. Walter: Chemicals! No! Chemistry is well, technically, chemistry is the study of matter. But I prefer to see it as the study of change. Now just just think about this. Electrons. They change their energy levels. Molecules. Molecules change their bonds. Elements. They combine and change into compounds. Well, that's all of life. Right? I mean, it's just It's the constant. It's the cycle. It's solution, dissolution, just over and over and over. It is growth, then decay, then transformation. It is fascinating, really. Chad, is there something wrong with your table? Okay. Ionic bonds Are you done? Ionic bonds. Chapter 6. Scene: Car Wash Walter: And 2, 3 makes 10, and 10 makes 20. Here's your receipt, and hand this claiming disc to your car wash professional. Thank you. Come again. Bogdan: He's not coming. He said he quits. I'm gonna run the register. Walter: Bogdan, no. We talked about this. Bogdan: I'm shorthanded, Walter. What am I to do? Walter? What am I to do? Chad: Hey, Mr. White! Make those tires shine, huh? Chad’s Girlfriend: Oh, my God. You would not believe who's cleaning Chad's car. Mr. White from Chemistry. Scene: White Residence Everyone: Surprise! Walter Jr: Happy Birthday, Dad! Skyler: You're so very late. Carmen: Really, I'm serious, Skyler. I mean, you're flat as a washboard. You look awesome. She's not showing at all, is she? Marie: She's showing a little. Skyler: Carmen, this is my sister Marie. Carmen: Pleased to meet you. Marie: Hi. Hank: Glock 22. It's my daily carry, okay? I mean, unless you're talking, what, plus, P-plus loads, you can forget the 9-mil, all right? I’ve seen one of those bounce off a windshield one time. Steve: Yeah, the way you sh**t. Hank: If you're gonna bring a g*n, you gotta bring enough g*n. 40 caliber. Walter Jr: This is awesome right here. Hank: Nice, isn't it? Walter Jr: Dad, come check this out. Walter: Yeah, I see it. Walter Jr: Come on, take it. Hank: Check it out, Walt. Walter: No, no, it's just heavy. Hank: That's why they hire men. Jesus, it's not gonna bite you, all right? Looks like Keith Richards with a glass of warm milk, doesn't he? Hey, Walt. Everybody listen up, listen up, listen up! I'm gonna give a toast. A little toast to my brother-in-law. Come here. Walt, you got a brain the size of Wisconsin, but we're not gonna hold that against you. Because your heart's in the right place, man. Your heart's in the right place. We love you, man. We love you. Everybody! To Walt! Nostrovia! Everyone: Nostrovia! Hank: Oh shit, turn on Channel 3. Hank(on the news): At which point we apprehended three individuals and placed them into custody. I'm proud to say the outstanding professionalism of my fellow agents at the Albuquerque District Office resulted in a substantial amount of methamphetamine being taken off the streets. Reporter(on the news): Were any sh*ts fired? Hank(on the news): No, ma'am. Our agents took the suspects by surprise. Steve: Damn, the TV does add ten pounds. Marie: Ten pounds? Hank: Hey, sit and spin. Both of you. Skyler: Hank. Hank: What? Sorry. You didn't see that. Skyler: So charming. Hank(on the news): This is clearly an ongoing operation, one which was well organized. Walter: Hank, how much money is that? Hank: It's about 700 grand. That's a pretty good haul, huh? Hank(on the news): As I say, it's a good day for the citizens of Albuquerque when we can put this big a dent in the local drug trade. Walter: Wow. But that's unusual, isn't it, that kind of cash? Hank: Well, it's not the most we ever took. It's easy money until we catch you. Walt, just say the word and I'll take you on a ride-along. You can watch us knock down a meth lab. Get a little excitement in your life. Walter: Well, someday. Scene: Walt and Skyler’s Bedroom Walter: Which one's this? Skyler: That faux-Lalique vase I picked up at the Super-Swap. Walter: How's it doing? Skyler: I met my reserve, and there's still two minutes. Walter: What's up? Skyler: You tell me, birthday boy. Oh, hey, so what's up for Saturday? Walter: Car wash. Bogdan says he needs me. Skyler: Until what time? Noon? 1-ish? Walter: Probably 2, more like it. Skyler: And then what after that? Walter: Actually I was thinking of driving up to Los Alamos. The visitor center has an exhibit on that’s really supposed to be... Skyler: You're not gonna paint? Walter: I'll paint. It's just that this part of this exhibition on the Mars Rover photographs are the detail really is just supposed to be amazing. Skyler: It's just that I really need you to paint at some point. I mean, the sooner that back bedroom gets finished. And I'd do it myself, except you said you don't want me standing on the stepladder. Walter: I'll paint. I will paint. Skyler: What is going on down there? Walter: No, it's just... Skyler: Is he asleep? Walter: No, It's nothing. You know, just you know, we gotta be careful about the baby. Skyler: Don't worry about the baby. This is just for you. We are just doing you tonight. So just close your eyes. Relax, and let it. Close your eyes. Walter: Okay. Skyler: There you go. That's it. That's it. There you go. Keep it going. Keep it going. Keep it going. Keep Yes! 56! Scene: Ambulance Walter: This is so embarrassing. I am fine. Honestly. It's just some bug going around. First my wife had it, then my son, and now me. It's just like a chest cold. Could be some low blood sugar as well. I didn't have the greatest breakfast this morning, honestly. Hey, listen, can you do me a favor? Can you just drop me off at a corner somewhere? EMT: No. Sorry. Walter: It's just that I don't have the greatest insurance. EMT: Take a couple of deep breaths for me. Is there anybody you want us to contact for you? Walter: God, no. EMT: Lean forward for me, would you? Mr. White, are you a smoker? Walter: No. Never. Why do you ask? Scene: Doctor’s Office Doctor: Mr. White. Mr. White? Walter: Yes. Doctor: You understood what I've just said to you? Walter: Yes. Lung cancer. Inoperable. Doctor: I'm sorry I just need to make sure you fully understand. Walter: Best-case scenario, with chemo, I'll live maybe another couple years. It's just you've got mustard on your...right there. Mustard, there. Right there. Scene: White Residence Skyler: So my records show that I paid it, and I certainly don't feel that we owe any late...All right. Well, I'll check with the bank and maybe the post office, if they lost it or something. Yeah, let me look into that. Okay. Thank you. Did you use the MasterCard last month? Walter: We needed printer paper. Skyler: Walt, the MasterCard's the one we don't use. Walter: Okay. Skyler: So how was your day? Walter: Oh, I don't know. I don't know. It was, um it was fine. Scene: Car Wash Bogdan: Come on. I'm shorthanded. I need you to do some wipe-downs. Come on. Walter: What? Bogdan: I said I need you outside to do some wipe-downs. Are you here to work or to be staring at the skies? Come on, let's go. Come on, man. Walter: f*ck you, Bogdan. Bogdan: What? Walter: I said f*ck you! And your eyebrows! Wipe down this! Scene: White Residence-backyard Walter: Uh, Hank. Hank, it's Walt. Hey. Oh, listen I didn't wake you, did I? Oh, good, good. No, no, nothing's wrong. I just, uh I've been, uh, thinking about that offer that ride-along. Scene: Hank’s Car Hank: It's the last house on the right. See it? Not the two-story one. The one next to it. The kind of I don't know, what do you call that? Green? Steve: Sage. Hank: Sage. What, do you work at the f*cking Pottery Barn? Jesus. Steve: Sage. That's the word for it. My fault the only word your dumb ass knows is green? Hank: Cheese dick. I know that one. How 'bout that? Anyway, it's the sage one. See it? Walter: So what tells you it's a meth lab? Hank: Just our snitch. Says some dude goes by Cap'n Cook lives up to his name in there. Says he always adds a dash of chili powder. Ah, you exuberant Mexicans. Steve: Uh-uh. Cap’n Cook, that's a white boy's name. Dopey as hell, too. Hank: Yeah? Tell you what. I got 20 bucks that says he's a beaner. Steve: All right. You're on. Hank: All right, come on, come on. All right. School bus is clear. Got the green light. Agent: Copy that. Hank: Watch this. This makes 'em shit. Agent: Go, go, go. Hank: Meth labs are nasty on a good day. You mix that shit wrong, you got mustard gas. Walter: Phosphine gas. I think. Hank: Yeah, exactly. One whiff will k*ll you. That's why the respirators. Agent: House is clear. One suspect in custody. Hank: Copy that. The suspect, might he be of the Latino persuasion? Agent: Driver's license says Emilio Koyama. Steve: Asian! Pay up, sucker. Hank: Hey hey hey! First name Emilio. That's at least half a beaner. Tell you what, I'll let you off for a 10. Cheer up, Gomey. You people still got J. Lo. Walter: Hank, do you think I might get to go inside? See the actual lab? Hank: Yeah. Yeah, I tell you what, we're gonna go peek our heads in, check it out first. Stay here a minute. Jesse: God. Walter: Oh, my God. Pinkman? Scene: Jesse’s House Walter: It's me. I'm alone. Jesse: How'd you find me? Walter: You're still in our filing system. So your aunt owns this place, right? Jesse: I own it. Walter: No one's looking for you. Jesse: Why are you here? Walter: I was curious. Honestly, I never expected you to amount to much, but methamphetamine? I didn't picture that. There's a lot of money in it, huh? Jesse: I don't know what you're talking about. Walter: No? Jesse: Not a clue. Walter: Cap'n Cook? That's not you? Like I said, no one is looking for you. Jesse: Look, I don't know what you think you're doing here, Mr. White. I mean, if you're planning on giving me some bowl winder about getting right with Jesus by turning myself in... Walter: Not really. Jesse: High school was a long time ago. You ain't Welcome Back Kotter, so step off. No speeches. Walter: Short speech. You lost your partner today. What's his name? Emilio? Emilio is going to prison. The DEA took all your money, your lab. You got nothing. Square 1. But you know the business. And I know the chemistry. I'm thinking maybe you and I could partner up. Jesse: You want to cook crystal meth? You? You and, uh and me? Walter: That's right. Either that or I turn you in. Scene: White Residence Marie: What the hell is this? Skyler: Damned if I know. I described it as mosaic folk art. Marie: Somebody bought it? Skyler: Yeah, some guy in Minneapolis. 14 dollars plus shipping. Marie: Yes! At this rate, in 50 or 60 years, you'll be rich. So how goes the novel? Skyler: It's not a novel, actually, which I have... Marie: You're not writing a novel? You told me you were. Skyler: No. Short stories. I said that if eventually I have enough good ones that maybe I'll try and publish another collection. Marie: Those really didn't sell. I just thought a novel would be easier to sell. Skyler: Yeah, well, maybe so. Marie: Ever want me to read anything, I could critique it for you. Skyler: No. I mean, I'm not at that stage where I...no. Marie: Open offer. So what's up with Walt lately? Skyler: What do you mean? He's fine. Marie: He just seems, I don't know, quieter than usual. Skyler: Turning 50 is a big deal. I mean, I'm sure as hell not looking forward to 40. You're gonna be a complete basket case. Marie: So it's a mid-life crisis. Skyler: No, he's just quiet. Marie: How's the sex? Skyler: Marie, Jesus. Marie: Guess that answers that. Scene: Jesse’s House Walter: You just gonna sit there? This. Look at this. Kjeldahl-style recovery flask, Very rare. You got your usual paraphernalia: Griffin beakers, your Erlenmeyer flask. But the piece de resistance: a round bottom boiling flask. Jesse: Well, I cook in one of those. The big one. Walter: One of these? No, this is a volumetric flask. You wouldn't cook in one of these. Jesse: Yeah, I do. Walter: No, you don't. A volumetric flask is for general mixing and titration. You wouldn't apply heat to a volumetric flask. That's what a boiling flask is for. Did you learn nothing from my chemistry class? Jesse: No. You flunked me. Remember? Walter: No wonder. Jesse: Prick. Now let me tell you something else. This ain't chemistry, this is art. Cooking is art. And the shit I cook is the b*mb, so don't be telling me. Walter: The shit you cook is shit. I saw your setup. Ridiculous. You and I will not make garbage. We will produce a chemically pure and s*ab product that performs as advertised. No adulterants. No baby formula. No chili powder. Jesse: No, no, chili P is my signature. Walter: Not anymore. Jesse: Yeah, well, we'll see about that. What the hell is this? Walter: Lab safety equipment. We're also gonna have an emergency eye wash station. These chemicals and their fumes are toxic, in case you didn't know that. Jesse: Well, you can dress up like a f*g if you want. Not me. Listen, this stuff doesn't stay more than a day. Walter: What? I thought we were gonna cook here. Jesse: No, we're not gonna cook here. Okay, this is my house. I don't shit where I eat. Walter: Well, then, where are we gonna work? Jesse: You tell me. This is your deal. You want to smoke it up, smoke it up at your house. Nah, I didn't think so. Walter: Oh, well. Well what if we rented one of those self-storage places, you know, those little orange garages, worked out of there? Jesse: No. They're on to that. They got dogs that sniff around. RV. That's what you want. Walter: What, like a Winnebago? Jesse: Yeah. I know a dude who wants to sell his. He just goes camping with it. But a mobile meth lab? That'd be the b*mb. I mean, drive way out in the boonies. Be all evasive. Scene: Bank Parking Lot Jesse: Dude, this isn't even 7 grand. My guy wants 85. Walter: This is all the money I have in the world. You're a drug dealer. Negotiate. Jesse: You are not how I remember you from class, I mean, like, not at all. Walter: I gotta go. Jesse: Wait, wait. Hold on. Tell me why you're doing this. Seriously. Walter: Why do you do it? Jesse: Money, mainly. Walter: There you go. Jesse: Nah, come on! Man, some straight like you, giant stick up his ass, all of a sudden at age, what, 60, he's just gonna break bad? Walter: I'm 50. Jesse: It's weird is all, okay? It doesn't compute. Listen if you've gone crazy or something I mean, if you've if you've gone crazy or depressed, I'm just saying that's something I need to know about. Okay? I mean, that affects me. Walter: I am awake. Jesse: What? Walter: Buy the RV. We start tomorrow. Scene: The Mall Skyler: How's it coming in there? Walter Jr: Fine. Skyler: Do you want me or your dad? Walter Jr: Dad. Skyler: So how are those feeling in the waist? Are they too tight? 'Cause you don't want to get 'em if they're too tight. Walter Jr: They're pre-shrunk. Skyler: Are you sure you don't want to get a different kind? Like, you know, the skinny jeans? Those are really supposed to be in style now. The skaters wear them. Walter Jr: Do I look like a skater? Skyler: All right. Teenager: Mom, look at my big-boy pants. Mommy, could you zip up my big-boy pants? Walter: Don't. Skyler: What? Walter: Don't. Skyler: Walt. Walter Jr: Where... Skyler: I have no idea. You know what? Don't even look at them. They're obviously very stupid. Yep. I think that, um I think those jeans look really good on you. You should get 'em if you like 'em, okay? Why don't you just hang out here for a second? I'll be right back. Walter Jr: Fine. Teenager: Mommy, I think I pinched a loaf in my brand-new big-boy pants. What are you doing? Walter: What's wrong, chief? Having a little trouble walking? Teenager: Get off me. Get off me! I'll mess you up, man. Walter: Well, you'll have one sh*t. You better make it good. What, are you waiting for your girlfriends? You better go. Take it. Take your sh*t. Take it! Come on. Come on. Teenager: Come on, let's get outta here. Let's go. Psycho. Scene: Desert Jesse: Yeah, nothing but cows! Got some big cow house way out that way, like 2 miles, but I don't see nobody. Walter: Cow house? Jesse: Yeah, where they live. The cows. Whatever, man. Yeah, let's cook here. Walter: Cow house. God help me. Jesse: What are you doing? Walter: These are my good clothes. I can't go home smelling like a meth lab. Jesse: Yeah, you can. I do. Those? Those, uh You're keeping those on, right? Walter: Come on. Daylight's burning. Jesse: Oh, my God. Oh, this is, uh this is a good look for you. And you're maybe only the world's second biggest h*m*. Walter: Would you shut up and help me? Jesse: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, work it. Baby, work it. Walter: Turn that off! Jesse: This is glass grade. I mean, you got...Jesus, you got crystals in here two inches, three inches long. This is pure glass. You're a g*dd*mn artist. This is art, Mr. White. Walter: Actually, it's just basic chemistry, but thank you, Jesse. I'm glad it's acceptable. Jesse: Acceptable? You're the g*dd*mn Iron Chef. Every jibhead from here to Timbuktu is going to want a taste. Now I gotta try this. Walter: No. No. No, we only sell it. We don't use it. Jesse: Okay, since when? Listen, you've been watching way too much Miami Vice. That ain't happening. Walter: So what now? How do we proceed? Jesse: We cook more tomorrow. Meantime I know just the guy to talk to. Scene: Krazy-8’s House Jesse: Kraze, how you doing, my man? You got a new dog. Right on, man. What's his name? Yeah, I had a dog like that once, except maybe, like, twice as big. Super purebred. Now, me personally, I would train him to go straight for the nuts... Krazy-8: Just shut your mouth and show me your money. Jesse: I ain't buying, ese. I'm selling. Tell me that ain't the finest scante you ever laid eyes on. Go ahead, try it. Hey, poochie. How you doing? Jesus Christ. See? What'd I say? Krazy-8: It's all right. Jesse: It's all right? It's all right? Krazy-8: Yeah, it's all right. So, what? You back in business? Jesse: Hell, yeah, I'm back. With a vengeance. Vato loco gotta make a living. You know, with your cousin gone away and all. And listen, homes, about that. It really broke me up about Emilio. That dude is like my brother. He okay? You talk to him? Krazy-8: Yeah, yeah, I talked to him. He said when the Feds came, you were out sticking it in some neighbor lady. Jesse: Hey, you know, I got lucky twice. Krazy-8: I don't know, man. Emilio, he thinks maybe you dimed on him. Jesse: That is bullshit. That is bullshit, Krazy-8! I should kick his punk ass for even thinking that. You know what? Next time you talk to Emilio, you tell him for me, all right? Krazy-8: Why don't you tell him yourself? Made bail this morning. Emilio: Go ahead, pendejo. Kick my ass. Jesse: Hey, listen... Krazy-8: Where did you get this? Because I know your little punk ass didn't cook it. Scene: Desert Krazy-8: Hey, man. You some kind of nudist? That's some stone-fine tick tick you been cooking there, ese. How about you come work for me? Walter: I'd be willing to sell it to you if the price is right. Krazy-8: You out here all by yourself, huh? Emilio: I know you. He was there when I got busted. He's with the DEA! Walter: No. Emilio: You ratasnitch f*ck! Jesse: Run, Mr. White! Run! Emilio: I say we cap 'em both. Krazy-8: Hey, you really cook up that batch? Walter: Yeah. Krazy-8: You an artist. It's a damn shame. Walter: Wait! Wait a minute. Listen to me. I'll teach you my recipe. What do you say? You want to cook like me? You let us both live and I will teach you. Put the cigarette out. Please. Emilio: Move it, homes. We ain't got all day. Walter: Okay. Jesse: What happened? What'd you do to them? Walter: Red phosphorus in the presence of moisture and accelerated by heat yields phosphorus hydride. Phosphine gas. One good whiff and...we gotta, we gotta clean this up. Scene: Walt and Skyler’s Bedroom Skyler: Where were you? Walt. I don't know what's been going on with you lately, but... Walter: Nothing. I'm fine. Skyler: Whatever it is, I'll tell you this. I do not like it when you don't talk to me. The worst thing you can do is shut me out. Walter, is that you? Submitted and corrected by: Tv_Gal13

{"type": "series", "show": "Breaking Bad", "episode": "1x01 - The Pilot"}

foreverdreaming

Scene: Desert Twelve Hours Earlier Walter: You are a lifesaver. Jesse: Yeah, man. Walter: We can't thank you enough. Jesse: Hey, mad props. Walter: I could have sworn the guy said south. But then, all of a sudden we're off the main road. I'm trying to read the map while I'm driving, which is a bonehead maneuver. And all of a sudden bam, we're in that ditch. Jesse: Yeah, bam, I'm like, what the hell? You know? Walter: Yes, and my coffee mug. Coffee? My mug of coffee? It spills all over my pants. I mean, just a nightmare. Jesse: Dude, you so need GPS. I mean, for real. Walter: Like I said, we couldn't be more grateful. Jesse: Can't we just dump 'em here? Walter: What, then somebody finds them? Then what? People have seen us. Jesse: You're gonna flood it, man. Walter: I'm not gonna flood it. She's not gonna flood, all right? We're just gonna stay positive, right? We're going to clean up this mess. Wish you would start. Jesse: Damn it. See? You flooded it. Walter: All right. All right. You know what? The RV is going to start now. The RV is going to start right now. It's gonna start and we're gonna drive it over to your house. Jesse: My house? Walter: Yes. We'll drive it over there and park it overnight. And then tomorrow... Jesse: No, man, not my house! Walter: Shut up! After we finish cleaning up this mess, we will go our separate ways. Our paths will never cross. And we will tell this to no one. Understood? Jesse: What, I can talk now? Fine. That goes double for me. Walter: Be good to me. Oh, shit. Scene: White Residence (Bathroom) Skyler: Walt? You coming out? Walter: Yeah, absolutely. Scene: White Residence (Dining Room) Walter: You wanna hear something funny? We had a faculty meeting last Thursday and the topic was senior class photos, and how we had instituted a new rule last year that seniors are allowed to have photos taken by a photographer of their choice. Not necessarily the photographer that the school hires, right? So anyway, some of the senior girls were going to that Glamour sh*ts place, to have their photos taken, and now they're bringing us all these photos, and Joan Epperman, you know Joan, suddenly has to go through all these photos and turn them down, because they show cleavage. Skyler: Did you get enough pancakes, sweetie? Walter Junior: Yeah. I'm good. Walter: You know, even these small-busted girls have cleavage. Apparently there's some new type of brassiere, or something. Walter Junior: The Wonderbra. It's the Wonderbra. Walter(Answering Machine): Hey, there. You've reached Walt, Skyler and Walter Junior. We can't come to the phone right now, so please leave us a message. Jesse: Hello, Mr. White. This is AT&T calling. Are you happy with your current long distance service? 'Cause if you're not, I would definitely, really love to talk to you as soon as possible about... Walter: Hello? Hello. This is Walter White speaking. Jesse: You said he was practically d*ad, okay? You said he would die any minute! Walter: Listen, I am having breakfast with my family right now, and I really don't appreciate these sales calls. Jesse: Well, too bad, man, 'cause guess what. He's still not d*ad! I went and put my ear to the RV, I can hear him, like, rolling around in there, all right? I think he's awake, man, I think he's trying to get loose. Where the hell are you? I'm freaking out over here! Walter: Calm down, damn it. Jesse: Are you gonna help me clean this up? We got loose ends here! Walter: Calm down! I will be there after school. Jesse: After school? Are you sh1tting me? Ditch it, man, call in sick. Walter: Listen, that is just not going to work for me. I'm not interested in that at all. And I would appreciate it if you don't call here anymore. Damn. They're so annoying, those people. Skyler: You have a good day, sweetie. Walter Junior: Okay, Mom. You too. Skyler: Bye, honey. Drive safe. Walter: Okay. Jesse(Answering Machine): Yo, yo, yo, 148-3369, representing the ABQ. What up, biatch? Leave it at the tone. Scene: Walter’s Classroom Walter: So, the term "chiral" derives from the Greek word "hand. " The concept here being that, just as your left hand, and your right hand are mirror images of one another, right? Identical, and yet opposite. Well, so too organic compounds can exist as mirror image forms of one another all the way down at the molecular level. But although they may look the same, they don't always behave the same. For instance...I'm sorry for instance Thalidomide. The right-handed isomer of the drug, Thalidomide is a perfectly fine good medicine to give to a pregnant woman to prevent morning sickness but, make the mistake of giving that same pregnant woman the left-handed isomer of the drug Thalidomide, and her child will be born with horrible birth defects. Which is precisely what happened in the 1950s. So, chiral, chirality, mirrored images, right? Active, inactive. Good, bad. Yes, Ben? Ben: Is this gonna be on the m*rder? Walter: What? Ben: Is this gonna be on the mid-term? Walter: The chirality on the mid-term? No, no, well, maybe, maybe, yes, you know, but prepare for it to be on the mid-term. Can't hurt to know it, right? Knowledge is power! Scene: Jesse’s House Jesse: Oh, no, no not good. Not good. Scene: Walter’s Car Walter: What the...hey, you. Listen No, no, no, no! Oh, God! Scene: White Residence Skyler: MILF's? What the hell is a MILF? Scene: Jesse’s Living Room Walter: Now what? The other one, out in the RV, he's...You're sure? Jesse: Yes. Walter: Positive? Jesse: Feel free to go check it yourself. Walter: Yes, good idea. Maybe I should do that before he, too, wanders off on the damn street! Jesse: Okay, you know what, I… Walter: All right, all right! The one downstairs, tell me about him. Come on, anything, something! Start with his name, at least! Jesse: Krazy-8. Walter: Krazy-8? What the hell does that even mean? Jesse: I don't know, man, okay? I mean, he's like, Krazy-8, okay? I don't know. Walter: So, you work with him regularly? Jesse: No, not him so much. His cousin, mainly. Walter: Who's his cousin? Jesse: The guy out in the RV! Walter: All right, all right. Jesse: Krazy-8's one level higher. Walter: One level higher? Jesse: Yeah, you know, not like street level. Higher. You know, there's like a Starbucks at every corner? Krazy-8 is, like, the dude that sells Starbucks his beans. Walter: Okay, so he's a distributor. Okay, so, is he, I mean, is he in other words what is his reputation for v*olence? Jesse: Well, um he did try to k*ll us both yesterday, so there's that. Walter: What I'm trying to say is that he's a distributor, right? He's a businessman, he's a man of business. It would therefore seem to follow that he is capable of acting out of mutual self-interest, yes? Jesse: What? Walter: Do you think he is capable of listening to reason? Jesse: What kind of reason? Like "Dear Krazy-8, listen, "if I let you go, will you promise not to come back and waste my family? "No Colombian neckties. " You mean that kind of reason? No, man, I can't say I have high f*cking hopes where that's concerned. What was that? What was what? Come see! We gotta tie him up. Why the hell didn't we tie him up? Walter: Because he was out cold. Jesse: But what if he's faking it? Like if it was me, I'd be all faking being knocked out, yo! And then, when the coast is clear, I'd be up looking for w*apon and shit, waiting to pounce! Scene: Basement Jesse: Now if it was me, and I couldn't find a decent enough w*apon, I would just lie back down, and bide my time. Scene: Jesse’s Living Room Jesse: So now what do we do? Walter: You keep asking me that like you think I have some answer. Jesse: Well, you gotta do something! Walter: We! We have got to do something, and I am opened to suggestions. Jesse: Man, uh-uh, okay, this whole thing was your deal! Walter: Don't you dare put that on me! You brought those guys out there, this is your responsibility! Jesse: Like I came to you, begging to cook meth. "Hey nerdiest old dude I know, you wanna come cook crystal? Please! I'd ask my diaper-wearing granny, but her wheelchair wouldn't fit in the RV. " What about the phosphate gas? Walter: Phosphine gas. What about it? Jesse: I mean, do you think it still might k*ll him? You know, with like a delayed reaction or something? Walter: I don't know. Jesse: You're supposed to be a scientist! Walter: Look! This isn't even the issue that demands immediate attention. We have got a body in that RV, and it's getting warmer outside, understand? And we have got to do something about that soon. And in a way that no one will ever find it. Now that last part is very, very important. Therefore, it seems to me that our best course of action would be chemical disincorporation. Dissolving in strong acid. Jesse: Oh man, that's messed up. You're not serious? You're serious? Who's gonna do that? And don't look at me! Walter: I guess we'll both do it together. Jesse: No, Mr. White, okay, I'm not good with d*ad bodies. Walter: We're in this 50/50, okay? I guess the only other fair way to go about this would be that one of us deals with the body situation, while the other one of us deals with the Krazy-8 situation. In a scenario like this, I don't suppose it is bad form to just flip a coin. Heads or tails? Jesse: I'll do the body in the acid, okay? Walter: Heads or tails? Jesse: Heads. Walter: Best two out of three? Jesse(Answering Machine): Yo, yo, yo, 148-3369, representing the ABQ. What up, biatch? Leave it at the tone. Jesse: Mr. White, it's me, pick up. I got a container question. Hello? Mr. White, pick up the phone, man! Walter: Yes? Jesse: What kind of plastic, man? Walter: Polyethylene. Jesse: How the hell am I supposed to know that? Walter: Because I told you. Look, just look at the bottom for a triangle stamped "LDPE. " It should be molded right into the plastic. Jesse: Yeah, yeah, LDPE. Right on, got it. But I don't know, man, this feels kind of flimsy. Any decent acid's gonna eat right through this. Walter: Not hydrofluoric. Jesse: Why not? Walter: Look, you skipped, clowned around or otherwise jerked off to every lecture I ever gave. As far as I'm concerned, your chemistry education is over. Jesse: Oh, okay. Be a dick about it. So, hey, have you done the thing? Walter: Yeah, I'm working up to it. Jesse: You know what? I bet he doesn't even wake up. Not even if you took him to the hospital right now. Now, if it was me, I would just try and think of it like I was doing him a favor. Scene: Basement Krazy-8: Who's there? Don't you f*cking play games with me. Who's there? Yeah, I see you. What are you gonna do? I need water! Bring me some water, would you? Please? Walter: You don't like the crust? Krazy-8: Where's my cousin Emilio? He d*ad? Scene: Jesse’s Kitchen Jesse: Hey, Mr. White! Mr. White? Are you smoking weed? Oh, my God! Wait a minute. Is that my weed? What the hell, man? Make yourself at home, why don't you? Walter: So what did you end up buying? Jesse: Nothing. No store in town sells a plastic bin big enough for a body. Walter: I don't suppose you could buy two bins. Legs in one, torso in the other? Jesse: God. I don't suppose you could kiss my ass? How did it go? So you didn't do it? Walter: Not yet. God. I gotta go. Jesse: What? No, come back here! Walter: Sorry. I'll do it tomorrow, I promise. Jesse: Tomorrow? Walter: I've got a doctor's appointment, I gotta go. Look, stay away from him. He's awake. Jesse: Hey, man, we flipped a coin. We flipped a coin! Scene: Doctor’s Appointment Skyler: We're good? Doctor: We're very good. We're excellent, I'd say. Oh, would you look at that face! Smile, peanut! So, who's up for knowing? Girl. Skyler: Girl? Walter: You sure? Doctor: Pretty sure. Walter: Can I tell you this is exactly what I was hoping? Skyler: You remember you said that when she's 16 and starts dating. Doctor: Looking fabulous. Let me see if they're done with the blood sugar, then we'll get you out. I'll be right back. Skyler: Who is Jesse Pinkman? Walter: Jesse? Skyler: Jesse Pinkman. He called just this morning, Walt, please don't deny it. It says on his MyShout page he attended Wynne. Was he one of your students? Walter: Yeah. He was nobody. Skyler: Who is he to you? Why is he calling? What is this big secret you seem to be discussing with some druggie burn-out? You don't come home last night until 2 in the morning, you don't tell me where you've been. You spent the entire night in the bathroom, Walt. Tell me what's going on with you. Don't you think you owe me that? Who's this Jesse Pinkman to you? Walter: He sells me pot. Skyler: He sells you pot? Walter: Marijuana, yeah. Not a lot. I mean, I don't know. I kinda like it. Skyler: Are you out of your mind? What are you, like 16 years old? Your brother-in-law is a DEA agent. What is wrong with you? Walter: Skyler I just haven't quite been myself lately. Skyler: Yeah, no shit. Thanks for noticing. Walter: I haven't been myself lately, but I love you. Nothing about that has changed. Nothing ever will. So right now, what I need is for you to climb down out of my ass. Can you do that? Will you do that for me, honey? Will you, please, just once, get off my ass? You know, I'd appreciate it. I really would. Scene: Walter’s Classroom Walter: Stop! Stop in 15 minutes. Scene: Jesse’s Driveway Jesse: Just meat, is all. Just a bunch of meat. Oh, Jesus. It's cool, you're cool. You're all good, yo. You're all good in the hood. It's fine. Just a bunch of meat, come on. You got it. Skyler: Excuse me! Excuse me? You. Yes, you. May I talk to you? Jesse: This is private property! Skyler: Just a minute. I wanna talk to you. Jesse: No, I'm not interested. Skyler: Hey, don't touch me! Do not touch me. Jesse: All right, look, not touching, okay? Not touching here. Look, lady, whatever you're selling, I ain't buying, yo. Skyler: Well, my name is Skyler White, yo. My husband is Walter White, yo. He told me everything. Jesse: Seriously? Skyler: That's right. And just so you know My brother-in-law is a DEA agent. And I will not hesitate to call him. Not if I have to. Understood? This is your one and only warning. Do not sell marijuana to my husband. Okay. I mean it. Don't call our house again. You stay away from him, or you'll be one sorry individual. You got me? Jesse: I think so, yeah. No more marijuana. I can dig it. Skyler: You can dig it. Wonderful. Not that it's any of my business, but you might wanna consider a different line of work. Jesse: Okay. Scene: Jesse’s Bathroom Jesse: "Let's go to your house, yo!” Makes perfect sense. "Let's completely screw up your house so you never wanna spend another night in it.” Sure. You know, why not? "And then, how about I send over my psycho-bitch wife to you know, break your balls and thr*at you?” God, that'd be hilarious. "And then, the k*ller in the basement? The one who's completely my responsibility? Hell, let's just let him live down there. Just, I don't know, make sure to feed him, like three times a day.” Sure, why not? That would be amazing. Thank you so much for the opportunity. I always dreamt about, I don't know, melting bodies! Scene: Jesse’s Kitchen Jesse: You got a brother in the goddamned DEA? Walter: What? Jesse: You said you were just doing some ride-along. Yes or no, do you have a brother in the DEA? Walter: Brother-in-law. Jesse: Now there's a load off my mind. Walter: Where did you hear that? Jesse: Your freaking wife told me when she was here all up on my shit. Yeah, that's right. She almost caught me moving Emilio! Good job in wearing the pants in the family. And why did you go and tell her I was selling you weed? Walter: Because somehow, it seemed preferable to admitting that I cooked crystal meth and k*lled a man. Is that what I think it is? Jesse: Yeah, it is. I smoked a bowl, so what? My house, my rules. Hey, no, no! Don't give me that, okay? I held up my end. I already took care of Emilio. You're still diddling around, trying to get your nut up. Well, boo-hoo. Walter: I have the truly awful job here. Jesse: You wanna talk awful? You wanna go there? Try dragging 200 pounds of stink up a flight of stairs. I barely got him in the bathtub! Walter: Bathtub? What do you mean, "bathtub"? Jesse: That's another thing. Why you got me running around town, trying to find some stupid piece of plastic, when I have a perfectly good tub I can use? Walter: Oh, God. I'm sorry, what were you asking me? Oh, yes. That stupid plastic container I asked you to buy. You see, hydrofluoric acid won't eat through plastic. It will however dissolve metal, rock, glass, ceramic. So there's that.

{"type": "series", "show": "Breaking Bad", "episode": "1x02 - Cat's in the Bag"}

foreverdreaming

Scene: Flashback of Walter and Gretchen at CalTech Walter: Let's break it down. Hydrogen. What does that give us? Gretchen: By mole? We're looking at 63%. Walter: 63? Wow that is a big bite. My next step's gotta be oxygen. Gretchen: Oxygen: 26%. Walter: 26. There you have your water. Gretchen: Carbon: 9%. Walter: Carbon: 9. Gretchen: For a total of 98%? Walter: Right. Gretchen: Nitrogen: 1.25%. Walter: 1.25. Gretchen: That brings it to 99 and a quarter. Which only leaves you with the trace elements down where the magic happens. Walter: Oh, wait a minute. What about calcium? Calcium's not a trace. Got a whole skeleton to account for. Gretchen: You would think, right? Walter: Right. Gretchen: Calcium. Calcium is only .25%. Walter: What? That low? Seriously? Damn, I never would have thought that. Okay, so where does iron fit in? Gretchen: Iron. Wow, okay. .00004%. Walter: What? You can't have hemoglobin without iron. Gretchen: Apparently, it don't take much. Walter: No, it don't. Go figure. Sodium. Gretchen: Sodium: .04. Phosphorus: .19. Walter: .19. There we go. So, the whole thing adds up to 99.888042%. We are .111958% shy. Gretchen: Supposedly that's everything. Walter: Yeah? I don't know. Just seems like something's missing, doesn't it? There got to be more to a human being than that. Scene: White Residence (Nursery) Marie: I hate these shoes. These shoes make me look like I should be changing bedpans, like I should be squeaking around bringing soup to some disgusting old person, then take the bus home to my 16 cats. Walter Junior: Then why are you wearing them? Marie: I like the support. My arches happen to be extremely archy. Walter Junior: Yo. What's up? Hey, can you call me, like, in two minutes? Thanks. Bye. Gotta go take this. Skyler: Female? Walter Junior: Louis. Not like it's any of your business, though. Skyler: Just be quick about it. Oh, and, um, please don't say yo. You can't know how much I hate that. Marie: You missed a spot right there. Should you be up on that ladder? Skyler: You're more than welcome to take over for me up here. Marie: I don't see why you don't just get Walt to do it. Skyler: Yeah. There's an idea. So, I'm working on this new short story, and there's this stoner character in it, and I'm trying to, well, know you, actually, let me backup. You've smoked your fair share of pot in college, didn't you? I mean, you at least tried it. Come on. Marie: I perhaps tried it. Why? Skyler: Do you remember it having an effect on your mood, like changing it in any major way, or… Marie: It made me more serious. Skyler: Really? Because I mostly remember it made me light-headed. That's about it. I was just wondering if it maybe could you know, it's just a character thing I'm stuck on. Never mind. Marie: Walter Jr. is on pot? Skyler: What? No! No. What would make you even… Marie: Where's he getting it from? Skyler: Marie. Seriously. Marie: Is it this Louis person? What are you going to do about this? Skyler: You need to look me in the eye. I am strictly asking about a story that I am writing, that's all. Right hand to God, Walter Jr. is not on pot. Certainly not as far as I know. Marie: Not as far as you know? Skyler: Marie. Scene: Jesse’s Basement Krazy-8: Look at me. Hey, turn around and look at me. This here I wouldn't do this to my worst enemy. This is degrading. Walter: I'm sorry. Krazy-8: You hope I'll make it easy on you and just drop d*ad, don't you? Well, I won't. So either k*ll me or let me go. You don't have it in you, Walter. Walter: How do you know my name? Krazy-8: Jesse. He told Emilio and me. Walter: When he came by to sell your meth? So what? You thr*at him, huh? Did you b*at it out of him? Krazy-8: Not even close. Walter: What else did he tell you? Krazy-8: Pretty much everything you can think of. How you were his high school teacher. How one time you taught about carbon dioxide by making grape soda in class. How you have a son who's ret*rd, or in a wheelchair or something. This shouldn't come across as some news flash. That partner of yours he's got a big mouth. Walter, I don't know what you think you're doing here, but trust me, this line of work doesn't suit you. Walter: So I should just let you go, then? Just unlock you and adios, huh? Krazy-8: I don't see what real choice you have if it's between that and cold-blooded m*rder. Besides, your real problem is sitting upstairs. Scene: Jesse’s Bathroom Jesse: Occupied! Hey, yo, I'm trying to pinch one off in here! Just give me some privacy, would ya? What the hell, man? What are you doing, man? You assh*le! Walter: You told him my name. Jesse: Says who? Him? Walter: My name, where I work. You told him about my son! Jesse: Don't touch me! Walter: Damn junkie! Jesse: No, give me that! Walter: Too late! This is going down the toilet. Watch it go! Jesse: No, that's worth 40 grand, you stupid shit. Walter: It's worth nothing when you smoke it all. Get off the toilet. Get off the toilet! Get off the toilet! Stop it! Jesse: No! No way! Walter: Where the hell do you think you're going? Jesse: Back off, man! Jesus! Walter: We've got work to do! Jesse: No, you got work to do. I did my part. Walter: You mean that obscenity that I spent the last two hours cleaning up? That is your contribution? Jesse: Yo! Kiss my pink ass, man! I didn't ask for any of this! How am I supposed to live here now, huh? My whole house smells like toe cheese and dry cleaning. Walter: Because you didn't follow my instructions! Jesse: Oh, well, heil h*tler, bitch. And let me tell you something else. We flipped a coin, okay? You and me. You and me! Coin flip is sacred. Walter: Damn it. Jesse: Your job is waiting for you in that basement, as per the coin. f*cking do it already. Scene: Clothing Store Employee: That's what she said. Yeah, I think we have some of those. Yeah, you'll have to try them on. Hello. 7 and 1/2, maybe. I don't know. Marie: Excuse me. Do you have these in black? Employee: Anyway, so like I was saying, I went to the party the other night. Yeah, Tony was there. Marie: Hey, where have you been? I called you two hours ago. Hank: Sorry, baby. I'm kinda busy here. What's up? Marie: Kind of a lot, actually, and it's a delicate subject, so I need you to focus and... Hank: Hey, sit down! Sit down! Marie: Damn it, Hank. Hank: Well, sorry, babe. I'm just kind of in the middle of something here. Sit down! Sit your ass down! Comprende? You, too! Sit down! Sientete! I'm back, baby. What's up? Marie: Walter Jr. Hank: Yeah, what about him? Marie: Marijuana. He's smoking it. Hank: Bullshit. Marie: Excuse me. His own mother seems to think so. Hank: Skyler told you that? Marie: She inferred it. Hank: She inferred it, huh? Marie: She strongly inferred it, like "Doctor, my friend suffers from erectile dysfunction." Please, come on already. I want you to talk to him. Hank: Walt should. Skyler, better yet. She'll kick his butt up and down the block. Marie: I think it ought to be you. You know, tell him some horror stories. Maybe show him some autopsy pictures. Hank: What, autopsy for a pot overdose? Come on. I don't know, baby. It's just that, you know I figure his dad should be the one doing this thing, don't you think? Marie: Hank, he respects you. Hank: Yeah, all right. Well, listen, I'll swing by their place after work. Marie: Good. Scare him straight. Hank: Where's my sugar? Employee: Excuse me, ma'am. Ma'am. You need to be wearing footies before you try those on. Marie: I'm extremely clean. Employee: Yeah, well, I'd really appreciate it. Hey, sorry about that. Yeah, I'll check. You know, I hid a pair for you last week, gray ones, but my manager found them, and we had to put them back on the floor. Scene: Motel Parking Lot Hank: What do you think? Walter Junior: About what? Hank: This look like a nice place? Walter Junior: No, not really. Hank: Think you'd like to live here? Walter Junior: No. Hank: You sure about that? Walter Junior: Yeah, pretty sure. I thought we were going to Cold Stone Creamery. Hank: Well, a little detour. Figured we'd come over here and check out how the other half lives. This here's what we call the Crystal Palace. Now you know who lives in the palace? Meth-heads. Nasty, skeevy, meth-heads who'd sell their grandma's coochie for a h*t. Oh, you think that's funny? That's funny, huh? Yeah. Well, let me tell you something. Every last one of these miserable wastes of skin got started how? How do you think they got started? Walter Junior: I don't know. Hank: What do you think it was they were all doing before they graduated to sh**ting meth in their dicks? A gateway drug. That's what we call it. Dollars to doughnuts, and I shit you not, that gateway drug was marijuana. Every time. You understand? Walter Junior: Um, yeah. So why are you telling me this? Hank: 'Cause I love you, you little bastard. Hey, I was young once, you know? The world's a messed up place, you know? You know, there was this one time when...Hey! Hey! Hey, you! Yeah, you, princess! Get over here! Don't make me get out of the car! Check this out. See what I'm talking about. Wendy: I ain't holdin', okay? Hank: Did I say you could open your mouth? And hands off the car. Other side. Go around the other side. Talk to my friend here. What's your name, sweetheart? Wendy: Wendy. Hank: Wendy, huh? How much do you charge for a windy, Wendy? Wendy: I ain't doing him. He's a kid. Hank: Jesus, was that my question? Don't think so hard. It's gonna hurt your brain. Are you on the pipe or the needle? Wendy: Nothing. Neither. Hank: Show us your teeth, huh? Come on, Wendy, let's see those pearly whites. Oh, God. See that? Pipe. Definitely. Big time. Big time on the pipe. You got something you wanna ask Wendy? Walter Junior: No, not really. Hank: You ever smoked anything else, Wendy? Sausages don't count. Seriously. Tell my friend here how you got started. You probably used to be, what, like, a Girl Scout or probably sang in a church choir? Wendy: What are you, like, handicapped? Hank: He broke his leg playing football. He's a QB. Got an arm like a howitzer. So tell me, Wendy, do you smoke pot? Wendy: Why, you got some? Hank: All right. Hoof it. Get lost. Get out of here. Hey, fair warning! Next time I'm gonna bust you! So what do you think? Walter Junior: Cool. Scene: Motel Room Jesse: Shut the door. Lock it. Lock it. Who the hell was that? Wendy: A cop and some football player messing with me. Jesse: They ask about me? Huh? Wendy: No. I think they just wanted pot. Oh, shit. I left my root beer. Scene: Jesse’s House Skyler: Hello. Walter: Hey, sweetie, it's me. Listen, I'm so sorry. The time, it just completely got away from me there. My fault. My fault. Bogdan just kept me here late, you know, doing some inventory, and I've I should have just you know, you're right. I gotta learn to say, you know, no! But, um Sky? You there? Skyler: You're at the car wash? Walter: Yeah. Skyler: I seriously doubt that, since you quit two weeks ago. I called Bogdan, looking for you. Quite an earful he gave me. Walter: Listen, listen, I'll come home, and we'll talk about it. Skyler: I don't think so, Walt. Honey. Wherever you are why don't you just stay there tonight? Walter: Skyler? Skyler? Skyler? Krazy-8: Walter! Kind of hungry down here! Damn. I didn't think you were coming back. Walter: How long was I out? Krazy-8: 10, 15 minutes. I've never seen someone knock themselves out just by coughing. You breathe in the same thing you used on me? Walter: I've got lung cancer. I'll go make you another sandwich. It's safe. There's no poison. Krazy-8: Yeah? Because that'd be the way to do it if you're gonna do it. I suppose it would. I mean, you being a chemist and all. Walter: So that name Krazy-8. Do I really have to call you that? I mean, no offense, but don't you have a real name? Krazy-8: Domingo. Walter: Domingo. That's Sunday, right? I'd rather call you that, if you don't mind. Krazy-8: Yeah, whatever. I can't say I ever liked it much. Walter: So, Domingo are you from around town here or someplace else? Krazy-8: Walter, you getting to know me is not gonna make it easier for you to k*ll me. Not that I mind, you understand. Walter: You know, you keep telling me that I don't have it in me. Well, maybe. But maybe not. I sure as hell am looking for any reason not to. I mean, any good reason at all. Sell me. Tell me what it is. Krazy-8: I guess I'd start off by promising that, if you let me go, I won't come after you. That you'd be safe. I guess I'd say what happened between us never happened. And what's best for both parties is we forget all about it. But you know that anybody in my situation would make promises like that. And though in my case they happen to be true, you'd never know for sure. So what else can I tell you? Walter: I don't know. But you gotta convince me. And you're going nowhere until you do. Krazy-8: Hey, yeah. Yeah. I'm from here in town, man. ABQ. Born and bred. Never left. Studied business administration over at UNM, got my degree. Walter: Really? Does that come in handy in the drug trade? Krazy-8: It doesn't hurt. I was gonna study music originally. Maybe even try out for Oberlin or Berklee. My pops talked me out of it. Said there was no money in it unless I wind up some bullshit rock star, and I didn't have a snowball chance of that, man. Walter: What does your dad do? Krazy-8: He owns Tampico Furniture over on Menaul. Walter: Wait a minute. I know that place. Wait a minute. That's that...they used to have those late-night… Krazy-8: Those stupid commercials. Yeah, that's him. He's been doing 'em for over 30 years. Walter: Wait a minute. How did it go? It was, uh Wait, wait, wait. It was Don't let shopping Strain your brain-o Just sing this short refrain-o Both: Our furniture is bueno. Tampico is the name-o. Krazy-8: Pretty moronic. But what can you do? It did tend to stick in your head. Walter: Did you write that, being the musician of the family? Krazy-8: Hell, no, man. It was my crazy Uncle Alex. He sings it at bars, trying to pick up on women. In his mind, it's like saying, "I wrote Stairway to Heaven.” Walter: Wait a minute. Tampico Furniture. I think when my son was born we bought his bassinet there. Krazy-8: We don't sell bassinets there. It's more of a specialty item. We used to sell cribs. Walter: Oh. Well, a crib, then, okay? Crib. Yeah. No, I remember that. In fact, I remember recognizing your dad from those commercials. Although he wasn't anywhere near as friendly in real life. Krazy-8: Yeah, no shit. Did he try selling you that extended warranty? Walter: Yeah, he probably did. And I was probably dumb enough to buy it. Krazy-8: Yeah, that was his big thing. You ask him for a glass of water, he'll tell you you need an extended warranty on the ice. Walter: So did you work there, too? Krazy-8: Only my whole life, up until the day I said "f*ck you" and quit. Walter: So, uh 16 years would you have been? Krazy-8: It was after school. Trust me, I was there. Might have even helped ring you up. You and your extended warranty on the crib. Walter: Small world. Krazy-8: That it is. The paths we take, huh? Jesse know you got cancer? Walter: No one but you. Krazy-8: Not your family? Walter: No. Krazy-8: Why not? Walter: Not a conversation I'm even remotely ready to have. Krazy-8: That's why you're cooking meth? You want to leave money for your family. Hell, I'll write you a check right now if you let me go. Like I said, Walter, this line of work doesn't suit you, man. Get out before it's too late. Walter: I don't know what to do. Krazy-8: Yeah. You do. Walter: I'll get the key. Walter: No, don't do this. Don't do this. Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this? Krazy-8: You're doing the right thing, Walter. Walter: So you're not angry? Krazy-8: How do you mean? Angry? No. Live and let live, man. Walter: That's very understanding. Krazy-8: Whatever, man. I just want to go home. Walter: Me, too. Krazy-8: Unlock me, Walter. Walter: The moment I do are you gonna stick me with that broken piece of plate? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Scene: Jesse’s Basement (next day) Jesse: Hello? Anybody down here? Scene: Walter’s Classroom Carmen: Everybody! I need you all to take your seats. Settle down, please. Thank you. I understand that Mr. White is feeling a little under the weather this morning, so you folks are going to have to be making do with me today. And we are going to be watching a very interesting video on carbon. Very important stuff. Scene: Desert Steve: So what do you think? Hank: It's a cook site. Gotta be. Nobody came way the hell out here just to buy. f*re there could have started by accident. Don't look like it was meant to destroy evidence. Got a couple of Dually tracks headed away towards the road. Steve: So, what, they're in some kind of camper/lab. They accidentally start a f*re, and everybody F.O.'s? Hank: Yeah, why not? Except why would that little hair-gelled shit leave his car? I-yi-yi, Gomie! It's a culture in decline. Steve: It's a rich and vibrant culture. Hank: It's a car that jumps up and down. What the hell? You people used to be conquistadors, for Christ's sake. Smells like a Drakkar Noir factory in here. Steve: I already searched it. You're wasting your time. Give it up. If this here's a trap car, it's gonna take more than your dumb white ass to find it. Hank: You are talking to the trap car master, my friend. I'm Rain Man counting his toothpicks. Steve: Yeah, you're like Rain Man. ret*rd. Hank: Yeah, baby. Hello, Zippy. Steve: assh*le. Hank: I'd say that looks like meth, but it's too damn white. You know what I'm thinking, Gomie. Steve: Somebody croaked our snitch. Cop: Hey, agents! Hank: You got something? Scene: Flashback of Walter and Gretchen at CalTech Walter: I don't know. Just doesn't it seem like something's missing? Gretchen: What about the soul? Walter: The soul. There's nothing but chemistry here. Scene: White Residence Walter: Skyler. There's something I have to tell you.

{"type": "series", "show": "Breaking Bad", "episode": "1x03 - and the Bag's in the River"}

foreverdreaming

Scene: Police Station Hank: Operation Icebreaker. How we liking that? We never used that before, did we? Steve: Isn't it the name of a breath mint? Hank: What? Steve: "Icebreakers,” right? Breath mint? Hank: Nobody's gonna be thinking that. They'll think about a big ass ship in the North Pole, breaking ice. Steve: Says you. I'm gonna be thinking "Operation Breath Mint." Hank: I'm thinking "Operation Breath Mint" every time we're on a stakeout together. Your breath could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon. All right. "Operation TBD." Thanks for nothing, Gomie. Anyway. Say hello to Domingo Gallardo Molina, AKA "Krazy-8." Smarter than your average cheese-eater. I turned him out at the street-level, but this dude's like the Jeffersons: Movin' on up. Every small-time dealer he'd throw at us, he'd end up snaking their customers. It turns out he's missing, presumed d*ad. Found his car out in the boonies. Last guy he ratted out was none other than his cousin, Emilio Koyama. Agent: You thinking the cousin found out and took revenge? Hank: Could be. Turns out he's missing, too. Normally, I'd say someone did the world a favor. But our snitch's car? Turns out we find two grams of meth in it, we take it to the lab. They come back, they tell us it is the purest they have ever seen. Our chemist was blown away. He said he couldn't do the same thing better. Worse yet, it didn't come out of some superlab in Mexico. We're thinking this was cooked right here, in the Land of Enchantment. Car was abandoned at what appears to be a cook site. This is the only other thing left behind. We're sending it off to Quantico, see if they can pull something off it. Meantime, our guys swabbed the filter element and found the same 99.1% meth. So be on notice. We got new players in town. We don't know who they are, where they come from but they possess an extremely high skill-set. Me personally? I'm thinking Albuquerque just might have a new kingpin. Scene: White Residence (backyard) Hank: Jesus. Walt, you're burning the shit out of them. Damn it. Hey, Sky, you got any more chicken? Emeril here is gonna need a fresh pack. All right, looking good. Marie: Is this low-fat mayonnaise in the cole slaw? Skyler: I don't know. It's store-bought. Walter: Hank, you need another beer? Hank: Does the Pope shit in his hat? Marie: I don't think that he does, Hank. And I think everybody would like it if you'd stop saying that. Marie, some more wine, maybe? Marie: I'm all right, thanks. Walter Jr: Hey, I want a beer. Hank: Yeah. I want Shania Twain to give me a tuggie. Guess what? That ain't happening, either. Walter: How about some more soda? Walter Jr: Yeah, sure. Walter: Honey, do you need anything? Skyler: No, Walt. Thank you. Walter: Okay. I'll be right back. Hank: What, are you kidding me? You look like a damn movie star, man. Girls gotta be lining up left and right. Tell him how good-looking he is. Skyler: He's adorable. Hank: He don't wanna be friggin' adorable. He wants to be hot. You see what I'm talking about? That's a female perspective. She supposed to say that. Look, a guy doesn't have to look like, uh Charlton Heston I'm talking "Moses" days to get a girl, all right? You just gotta have confidence. Confidence and persistence. That's what I'm talking about. I chased your Aunt Marie here all over creation. I kept bugging her for a date. She kept saying no. What, did I ask you like 50 times? Marie: It was before they tightened the stalking laws. Hank: Anyway, how about your dad here? Right there's a good story, Walt. Tell him how you met Skyler. Walter Jr: Mom was a waitress in Los Alamos. And Dad said that thing to you… Walter: Actually, your mother wasn't a waitress. It was a summer job, and she was the hostess, and she also worked the cash register. And I used to go in there a lot because it was close enough to the lab where I could ride my bicycle. And once I noticed her it got to be so that I would only go in when I knew she was working. When it was slow, she would lean against the counter, doing her crossword puzzles, but kind of hiding it, right, pretending that she was still working. And once I caught on to that, I would do crossword puzzles while I ate my grilled cheese sandwich. It got so that everyday at lunch, we would both be doing the New York Times crossword puzzle ten feet from each other. Eventually, I caught her looking over at me. So, I began saying, "Excuse me. "Fourteen across, seven-letter word for whatchamacallit. "May I ask what you wrote down?" That got us talking. Boy, I tell you, I was terrible at those puzzles. I don't think that I finished even one of them. But your mother would do them in ink. Hank: Very smooth. I'll bet you didn't think your old man had it in him? But that's what I'm talking about. That's persistence. You see? Once you set your cap for something, or somebody, you gotta just, you know Skyler? Walter Jr: Mom, are you all right? Marie: Shh, honey. It's okay. What's the matter? What is it? Skyler: Ask him. Marie: What's she talking about? Walt. Walter: I have cancer. Lung cancer. It's bad. Scene: Living Room Skyler: Ask him how long he's known. Walter: I guess a month, maybe, or... Marie: For God sakes, Walt. We're just sitting out there having a cookout like nothing's going on? Skyler: He made me promise not to tell anybody. Christ, these last 48 hours. And it's the weekend, so I couldn't even get his doctor on the phone. Hank: Buddy, why I mean, why wouldn't you want to tell anybody? Skyler: Don't you see? Everybody just wants to help you. We're family. We get through these things together. Hank: I mean, I don't get, you know, lung cancer? How could that happen? You don't smoke. Skyler: I'm thinking that this goes back to the applications lab. All those chemicals they had you working around? Walter: We always took the proper precautions. Skyler: One time you complained they didn't give you the right kind of I don't know, some kind of ventilation hood or something. And then the headaches. Walter: Honey, it wasn't that. Skyler: How do they think they can get away with this? We should hire a lawyer. Marie: First, let's deal with this. Okay? So what's the next step for Walt? Certainly a second opinion, right? Skyler: Right. Right. Absolutely. Marie: Okay. So first thing tomorrow, I talk to my radiologists, we find you the best oncology dream team. Skyler: I wanna go check on Walt Jr. I'm gonna see if I can talk him into, I don't know, joining us. I really didn't mean for him to find out that way. Hank: Whatever happens I hope this goes without saying, but whatever happens I want you to know that I'll always take care of your family. Scene: Jesse’s House Jesse: Yo, check out these fake Pop Tarts. These are mad tight. Skinny Pete: No, thanks, man. Pass. Jesse: Your loss. These are from Canada or something. Imported. Combo: Yo, what happened to your hallway, man? Did the ceiling fall down or… Jesse: Oh, yeah I think the house is just settling. It's been caving in left and right. h*t me in the eye. It's bananas. Skinny Pete: Yo, my pops could fix you up. He's like a contractor or something. Jesse: Right on. I should grab that number. Combo: Say, Jesse. You still cook a little crystal? Jesse: Could be, yeah. You know, from time to time. Skinny Pete: I heard you lost your partner. Emilio. Didn't he get locked up? Combo: No, man. He's out. His cousin bailed him out. He skipped town or something. Jesse: I don't know about any of that. I've been kinda doing my own thing these days. Combo: But you maybe got some crystal, man? 'Cause I could seriously go for a bowl. You know? Take the edge off. Skinny Pete: Hell, yeah. Sunday night bowl, yo. Jesse: Maybe it just so happens that I just recently cooked the best batch ever. Oh, yeah. Came up with this whole new recipe. It's more like a formula. It's like way, way more chemically, you know, it's just the b*mb. But, you know, I don't know, I've been thinking lately I'll just lay off of it for a while. 'Cause lately it's been making me paranoid, so, you know, for, like health wise, just lay off. Combo: Yo, if you're not into sharing, man, just tell us to piss off. It's cool. We don't need no soap opera. Skinny Pete: Yeah, man. Whatever. Jesse: No, no. It's all good. You know, I'm just saying. Hey, I got plenty of pot. Combo: Yeah, I think I'll bounce, man. Skinny Pete: Yeah, sounds about right. Jesse: Hey, yo, yo. Hey, homes. I'm joking. Okay, I'm totally joking with you. You kidding? Sit down. Best scante ever. Grab that pipe. Scene: White Residence (Bathroom) Skyler: Do you need some help? Walter: No, I'm fine, honey. I'm fine. Just Privacy. Thanks. Skyler: I'm right outside if you need me. Scene: Living Room Skyler: Yeah, anytime on Friday is absolutely fine. Thank you so much for working us in. Can I just put that on a credit card? Great. Perfect. Okay, so we will see you at 10:45 on Friday morning. Thank you so much. Honey. The best oncologist I mean, not even just in New Mexico, but one of the top ten in the entire nation. His name is Dr. Delcavoli. And we see him on Friday. I mean, Marie really came through for us. She had her boss call and this is good. From here on out, things are gonna... Walter: What's that we're putting on a credit card? Skyler: It's just a deposit kind of thing. Walter: How much of a deposit? Skyler: It's $5,000. Walter: Five thousand? And what's that? Just to start? Just to tell me what I already know? Skyler: Walt, he's not in our HMO, okay? So be it. We'll figure it out. Come on. Don't get hung up on money here. We can always borrow from Hank. Walter: Absolutely not. No, I just, we're not gonna do that. Skyler: Well, maybe we can ask your mom. Have you even called her yet? Regardless, you're gonna have to tell her. I'm willing to do it. Walter: I'll call. Skyler: I don't want us thinking about money. Money is not the issue here. It's not. Walter: I'll take care of the deposit. I'll borrow it from my pension. Scene: Nursery Walter: What's up? I thought I heard mice. That's all we need, huh? So, what's up, pal? Walter Jr: What the hell's wrong with you? Walter: What? Walter Jr: You're acting all, why are you acting so weird? You're acting like nothing is going on. Scene: Bank Ken: Come on! Am I gonna have to come down there and whip your ass? And let me tell you something else. I'm not doing this for charity, right? I'm the best he's got in that office. He knows it, I know it. I expect to be paid to a level comens I said, "Dave, do you think That's less than 10% of what I booked for you guys this quarter. I'm not going to sit here and be disrespected. Oh, he's shitin bricks. Oh, you know he is. Yeah, that man lives in fear. I'll go across town. Hell, I could go anywhere. Hoffman-Gordon-Bradley or Sorcher, even Goldberg-Wayne. They'd make me a partner just for walking in the damn door. That's how ecstatic they'd be. Hells, yes, brother-man! Check this chick out. Who? Buddy, she's a cow. Stacey's a cow. We're talking major barnyard boo-hog. Roll her in flour and look for the wet spot before you h*t that, man. You know? Teller: Sir? Sir? Walter: Sorry. Hi. Teller: What can I do for you? Ken: Which dude? The dude that looked like a lizard? Walter: I'm sorry. I would like a cashier's check in the full amount made out to Oncology Partners of New Mexico, please. Oh, that's O-N-C-O-L-O-G-Y. Yeah, you got it. Scene: Pinkman Residence Mr. Pinkman: I don't understand why they're forcing you to choose between the piccolo and the oboe. You show so much promise with both. Jake: They can't have any switching between woodwinds because no matter how divided up, someone would be left out. Mrs. Pinkman: Well, rules are rules, I guess. Mr. Pinkman: Sure, rules and rules. I'm all for that. But I'm telling you, you really shine on that oboe. You have real talent, and I'm not just saying that. Jake: Thanks. Mrs. Pinkman: What about Mr. Pemberton? Is he giving you enough individual attention? Jake: I'd have to say so. He tries to talk to each one of us at least once during every practice. Mr. Pinkman: That's good. Feedback is important. It's key, I think. Hey, so how was soccer practice? Mrs. Pinkman: I think that was in our backyard. Mr. Pinkman: Who's there? What the hell are you doing out here? Jesse: Hey, Dad. Hey, Mom. Jake. You got new patio furniture. Right on! My leg. Scene: Kitchen Mrs. Pinkman: What do you think it could be? Mr. Pinkman: God knows I'm no expert. I don't know. Uppers, downers? Your guess is as good as mine. Mrs. Pinkman: I think we should check his arms for needle marks. Do we let him stay? The Presbyterian Church has those meetings. So maybe on condition, you know? If he agrees to attend? I just don't know what to tell Jake. Jesse: Good evening. Mrs. Pinkman: Sleep well? Jesse: What time's, uh what time is dinner? Mrs. Pinkman: In about an hour. You know, I could wash those clothes if you'd like. They look a little lived in. Jesse: No, that's cool. Maybe later. Mr. Pinkman: We are not doing this again. Mrs. Pinkman: Adam. Mr. Pinkman: No. We said we'd lay down the law, we lay down the law. We just have to be consistent about it. Scene: Walter’s Classroom Walter: You're not taking the bus? All right, well, listen. Give me maybe another 20 minutes and we'll get out of here. Walter Jr: All right. Walter: Yeah, good. You know, I just think that things have a way of working themselves out. Scene: Jake’s Room Jesse: When did you get this? Jake: Last May at the year-end assembly. They gave me that one, too. The one on the end. Jesse: Environmental Consciousness Award. What's that mean? You, like, recycle cans and shit? Jake: I contacted the Albuquerque Journal and asked what chemicals they use to bleach their paper. They wound up writing an article about it. Jesse: Right on, little bro! Making mad in-roads with the business community. All right! Now, hey, remember, not all learning comes out of books. Look at you. We should hang out more often. You know, just kick back and chill. I mean, if you ever, like, I don't know, need advice. Because, yo, I mean, I've been through it all. For real. Hey, man, you play the flute? Jake: It's a piccolo, actually. Jesse: Dude, play some, play some Jethro Tull. Mrs. Pinkman: Hey, guys. How are we doing in here? Jesse: We're good. Jake: Yeah. Fine, Mom. Mrs. Pinkman: Well, that's good. That's great. Jesse: What the hell? You see this? What, am I some criminal or something? Jake: Whatever. Jesse: Whatever? What, you think that's okay? Like, "Oh, we can't let that scumbag warp the mind of our favorite son." Jake: I'm the favorite? Yeah, right. You're practically all they ever talk about. Scene: Jesse’s Old Room Jesse: Oh, snap. Awesome. Combo: Yo, man, it's me. Hey, listen. You know, that product? You got any more of that? Jesse: Nah, man, okay? I'm done giving out freebies. You want charity, go ask the Salvation Army. Combo: No, no charity. I got this cousin, he's got him some rich friends. These dudes are in town. They're looking to part-tay. And your stuff is, like, so sweet. So what do you say? You up for making some fat stacks? Because they'll buy everything you got. Scene: White Residence Walter: You can't be serious. What the hell are you doing here? Jesse: Yo, I waited till the ball buster left. I mean, no offense. Walter: Who sent you? You wearing a wire? You setting me up? Jesse: A wire? You want a wire? I got a wire. Speak into the mic, bitch! What the hell's wrong with you? A wire. Jesus. Walter: So who did you tell about... Jesse: Nobody. What are you, nuts? Walter: Then why are you here? Jesse: I don't know. To, like touch base. Walter: Touch base? Jesse: Yeah, you know what you call a debrief? Maybe we could, like I thought we could debrief. Walter: Debrief? Wow, that's what you think we need, to debrief? Jesse: Yeah, after what happened, it just seems like the thing to do. Kind of, you know, talk about it. We can't talk to anybody else. Anyway, that, and I wanted to tell you how much everybody digs that meth we cooked. Everybody digs the meth we cooked. Seriously, I got dudes that would give their left nut for a little more. Walter: Great. Jesse: I'm just saying, if you ever saw your way clear to you know, you and I cooking a little more. Walter: Get the hell off my property. Jesse: What? I'm just saying. Walter: Go and don't come back. Now! Jesse: All right. You know what? Four grand. Your share from selling that batch. That's why I'm here. Yeah, that's right. I didn't smoke it all. Scene: Doctor’s Office Dr. Delcavoli: Non-small cell adenocarcinoma. Stage 3a, which means it's spread from the lung to the lymph nodes. There's no denying it's very serious. Skyler: But is it curable? Dr. Delcavoli: I prefer the word "treatable." But the treatments we have at our disposal can be very effective. Without making any promises, I can tell you that the specific course of radiation and chemotherapy I'm going to suggest has been successful. In certain cases, it prolonged patients' lives and even resulted in remission. Walter: What about the side effects? Dr. Delcavoli: Well, they can be mild to practically non-existent, or they can be pretty darn awful. It varies from patient to patient. Typically, there's hair loss, which begins a couple of weeks after the start of chemotherapy. You may find yourself unusually fatigued, not much energy. You won't want to get out of bed. You may lose weight due to reduced appetite and certain intestinal issues. Muscle aches and pains, gums get sore and bleed. And, of course, there's the possibility of nausea. Although, we'll prescribe an anti-emetic and try to counteract that. Possible kidney or bladder irritation. You may wind up with increased bruising and bleeding. There may be sexual side effects. Your skin may become dry and irritated. Scene: Pinkman Residence Mr. Pinkman: Got anything to say? What do you know about that? Jesse: Nothing. Mr. Pinkman: That's not going to fly this time. Mrs. Pinkman: How many chances have we given you? How many times have we sat right here and had the same conversation over and over again where you look us in the eye and you plead ignorance, and you play on our emotions, and you tell us anything you think we want to hear just so we'll give you another chance? And it makes us feel like fools, every time. Enough, Jesse. Enough. Mr. Pinkman: We are not going to have this in our house. We need you to leave. Jake: Thanks for not telling on me. You think I could have it back? Jesse: It's skunk weed anyway. Scene: White Residence Skyler: You know, this is actually very hopeful. Did you hear me? I said this is really very, very hopeful. Can I call them and tell them you'll start next week? Walter: I just think that we need to discuss it a little more, that's all. Skyler: What is there to discuss? You're going to get the best treatment and he's the best. Walter: Well, there's the money discussion. $90,000 out of pocket. Maybe more. Skyler: There's a way, Walt. There's financing, there's installment plans. I could always go back to work. Walt, there's always a way. Walter: All right. Skyler, say that there is a way. And we spend all that money, and... Am I supposed to leave you with all that debt? I just don't want emotions ruling us. Maybe treatment isn't the way to go. Walter Jr: Then why don't you just f*cking die already? Just give up and die. Scene: Gas Station Ken: Come on, move your ass. What do I care? Yeah, I'm not worried. I have the best f*cking attorney. I would not want to be on the other side of this one. What the hell? What are you doing? Call somebody, call the f*re people. I don't believe it. You know how much I paid for that? Why is it doing this?

{"type": "series", "show": "Breaking Bad", "episode": "1x04 - Cancer Man"}

foreverdreaming

Scene: Job Interview Jesse: Here's my resume. I mean, technically it says "curriculum vitae," which I think is more professional, but, you know, the same thing pretty much. Manager: Great. But this position truly is a no-experience-necessary kind of thing. Jesse: Well, and it doesn't really say it here, but I have a solid background in sales. I'm pretty much a self-starter, so. Manager: That's excellent, but… Jesse: I really feel I could be a major, major asset to your sales force. Manager: I'm thinking there's a little misunderstanding. This isn't actually a sales job. I mean, I'd be happy to consider you for a sales position, but our agents need to be licensed, have at least two years on-the-job experience, and usually a college degree. What you would be doing is more like advertising. Scene: Outside the Building Badger: Hey, Jesse! Hey, man! Yo, man! What up? Jesse: Badger? Badger: Where you been keeping yourself? Nice duds. Jesse: Yeah. You, too. Badger: Thanks. Jesse: Yo, why would you want to do this lame ass job anyway? I mean, no offense. Badger: Because I'm on probation, yo. Gotta prove to the man I'm rehabilitated. Upstanding citizen. All that shit. It's really good exercise, too. Look. You can't just stand there. You have to spin the arrow. There's all these moves you have to learn, like the helicopter. See? That one's a bitch. I'm not very good at it yet. Jesse: No, you really opened my eyes to the possibilities. Hey, anyways, thanks for the toke. Badger: Anytime. Speaking of which, you think you could maybe hook me up with some crystal? Jesse: Nah, I've been out of the business for a while actually now. Thinking about retiring. Badger: What? No! That stuff you made is unbelievable. Jesse: It was pretty awesome. Badger: Retirement? I can't be hearing this! Jesse: I had this partner who was helping me cook. I mean, I was doing most of the work, but he was an assh*le, so. Anyway, pseudo's getting harder and harder to come by. Badger: I can hook you up with some pseudo. Major pseudo. I got channels, bro. We could partner up. No pressure. No pressure. Just think about it, all right? I gotta go. Yo, this way to savings! Save your dollars bills, yo! Scene: Inside Walter’s Car Walter: It's a stupid gift. Skyler: No, it isn't. He'll love it. Walter: I don't know what I was thinking. Didn't the invitation even say "no gifts"? Skyler: Walt. Walter: What? Skyler: We have to go. Walter: I know. I'm not complaining. Skyler: Yes, you are. Look, we need this. We've been through a lot lately, okay? Scene: Gretchen and Elliot’s House Skyler: Guess we didn't get the beige memo. Walter: We're okay. Skyler: Yes, I look like I'm wearing a prom dress from 1985. Walter: Honey, you look fine. Skyler: Walt, this is the only thing I could find that fit me. Walter: Would you look at that? The invitation said "no gifts." Skyler: Oh, come on. Employee: Sir, I'll take that for you. Walter: Thank you. Employee: You're welcome. Skyler: Oh, look, there's Elliott. Let's go say hello. Walter: Elliott. Elliott: Walt! You made it. Walter: Happy birthday. Wouldn't miss it for the world. Elliott: Thank you. Skyler. Oh, that's right. Great to see you. You look beautiful as always. Skyler: Well, these days are a little more big than beautiful, but. Elliott: Of course! Congratulations. That was such great news. Thank you. Gretchen, look who's here! Gretchen: It's been ages. It's so good to see you. It's really good. Skyler, welcome. Congratulations. Skyler: Thank you. It's really nice to be here. Gretchen: When are you due? Skyler: We're looking at about ten more weeks. Actually, we recently found out that it's a girl. Gretchen: Congratulations. That's so wonderful. We've been thinking about it for ourselves. Elliott: Yeah, thinking about it. Walter: By the way, securing that patent was just amazing. I mean, the work that your company is doing, congratulations, to both of you. Elliott: Hard work and a lot of luck. A lot of luck. Oh, well, no. Will you excuse us? We gotta say hi. Make yourselves at home. We'll catch up later. Walter: Sure. Okay. Elliott: So good you're here. Thank you. Skyler: Shall we? Farley: Walt? I thought that was you. Walter: Farley! Long time no see. Farley: This Walter White. Back at CalTech, you were just the master of crystallography. I remember this one time, we were stuck on this protein problem for weeks! You just breezed right in and you had one word for us, too. It was synchrotrons, yeah. They generate purer and more complete patterns than x-ray beams. Data collection takes a fraction of the time. This is the White in Gray Matter. Tell 'em, Walt. Walter: Okay. Well, back when Elliott and I were in grad school, we came up with the name. Schwartz: black. Walter White. So, together they became Gray Matter Technologies. Farley: Cute, huh? Friend: So you run the company with Elliott? Farley: Well, no. No, that's Gretchen and Elliott. Walter: I gravitated toward education. Friend: What university? Elliott: It's a Stratocaster! Friend #2: Not just any Strat. That's one of Clapton's. Elliott: No way. "To Elliott. "Sorry about the buckle rash. Eric Clapton." Thank you. This is beautiful. Skyler: Why is he doing this? What is he, like eight years old? Gretchen: Here, honey. Elliott: Thanks. Oh, this is from Walt. Walter: God. Skyler: It's okay. Elliott: Yum-Good Ramen. This is what Walt and I lived on for while we were working on our thesis. They sold them down at Ralsto's in the hardware aisle, right next to the what was it? Walter: Sterno. Elliott: The Sterno. Yeah, 10 for $1.99. To this day, I am convinced these noodles were responsible for our success. This was our lifeblood. Where'd you find these? I thought they'd been outlawed years ago. I love it. Thank you, Walt. For the man who has everything. Elliott: No, no. It was. You remember the fat guy, the fat guy. We used to call him "Snot Trough" because he had that thing under his...what do you call that thing? Walter: That was Dobkins! That was the same guy who always smelled like chocolate milk. It was! Elliott: No, no, no, no. It wasn't Dobkins. Anyway, I swear to Christ he used to iron those patches onto the elbows of his Members Only jacket because he thought it made him look more distinguished. Didn't it? No. Well, here's to Snot Trough. Walter: To Snot Trough. Wherever you may be. God bless him. And you remember the professor who used to hate Robert Wilhelm Bunsen? Yes. All you had to do was mention the Bunsen burner and he was off on a rant. "No, he didn't invent it." You remember the waving? "He just improved it!" You know. It was easy to k*ll. Elliott: Oh God, I miss this, Walt. Walter: Yeah. Me, too. Elliott: Listen, we ought to get together more often. Walter: Skyler and I would love to have you and Gretchen over for dinner sometime. Elliott: Sure, yeah, absolutely. But what I mean is that you and I should work together again. Walter: Are you going to teach high school? Elliott: No, no. Seriously. What's stopping us? Walter: Wait a minute. Elliott, what are you? Are you asking me to come work for you at Gray Matter? Elliott: Yeah. Why not? You'd fit right in. You're brilliant, you've got a ton of experience. Walter: Well, I wouldn't really know where to begin. I mean God. You have no idea. I spend my days just drawing out atoms on the chalkboard and trying to get these kids to learn the periodic table. Elliott: Look, I understand. You're a little rusty, but you're not seeing the upside here. We could really benefit from a new set of eyes. You know what it is when you've been trying to crack some problem for months on end. You get tunnel vision. One guy thinking outside of the box, you may be exactly what we need. Walter: Well, listen, Elliott, your offer is very appealing. It really is. I thank you. But there's something you should know. I have some personal issues. Elliott: Look, there's nothing we can't work out. Walter: Well, yeah, but it's complicated. Elliott: We can help you. We have excellent health insurance. The best. Scene: Driveway Skyler: Hey, did you try those prosciutto wrapped figs? They were, like, wow! They were just I must have had about 30 of those suckers. And the seafood table. Did you see that? They had lobster tail, they had crab legs, there was, like, shrimp. Walt? Walter: What the hell did you say to Elliott? You told him about the cancer, didn't you? Didn't you? I can't believe it. Skyler: Okay, we were talking. He asked how you were doing, and I am sorry, but I don't have the best poker face these days where that's concerned. He knew something was wrong with you and he pressed me. Walter: He pressed you. Come on. Skyler: Walt! When it came right down to it, I didn't know what else to do but tell him the truth. Walter: The truth? How about you just said "he's fine," huh? Maybe you could've just have said that? "He's fine," and done. Skyler: I don't like the way you're talking to me. Walter: I don't like the way you talk about my private affairs to people who are not even in our lives anymore. Skyler: What exactly did he say to you? Walter: He offered me a job. Skyler: What? Walter: Yes. Kind of like some fig leaf, you know? Some face-saving bullshit that allowed me to generously accept his charity. And then, when I turned that down, he flat-out offered to pay for my treatment. Which is exactly what you expected him to do, didn't you? Didn't you? Skyler: No. Please. Come on. I did not put him up...Okay, what did you say? Walt? Walter: What do you think I said? Skyler: Why? Walt. Scene: White Residence Walter: You ready to go? Walter Jr: I'm taking the bus. Skyler: Okay bye, honey. Scene: RV Badger: Hey, dude, are these b*llet holes? Jesse: No, man. Those are for, like, you know, ventilation. Badger: Cool. Nice set-up, huh? Jesse: Man. This is nothing, man. I used to have, like, twice as much glassware until my dumbass ex-partner drove us into a ditch and wrecked most of it. Badger: Big ass beaker, huh? Jesse: Wait, wait. No, that's a, yeah, that's a boiling flask. This is a beaker. Here's a Griffin beaker, here's a volumetric beaker. Here's an Erlenmeyer flask. You got… Badger: You really know your shit. Jesse: Well, it's just basic chemistry, yo. So you got something for me? Badger: Oh, hells, yeah! Jesse: Okay. We're in business. Right on, Badger. Badger: Dude, check this out. Jesse: Jesus, what the hell are you bringing that for? Badger: Hunting. We might see javelinas. Jesse: Are you going to help me or what? Badger! Scene: Outside Convenience Store Teenager: Let me see the money. Nah, I need five each. Come on, two more. Here. Walter Jr: What about him? Teenager: Are you kidding? He looks younger than us. Walter Jr: Whatever. Teenager #2: What about that guy? Walter Jr: Nah, he looks like a businessman. Teenager: So what? Walter Jr: So, businessmen are always in a hurry. They're always, like, going to some meeting or something. Seriously, he's just going to say no. Teenager: This guy. This is our guy. You're up. Walter Jr: Why do I have to do it? Teenager: Give me the crutches and I'll go do it. Walter Jr: Excuse me, hey. We forgot our IDs and we were wondering if you could do us a favor and buy us a six-pack. Cop: You know, what you're asking is illegal. Walter Jr: No, it's not? Cop: Yeah, it is. Scene: Inside Hank’s Car Cop: Guess you win the jackpot. This is not how I wanted to spend my night off. Consider this your first and last warning. Walter Jr: Yes, sir. Cop: You're lucky you got a good dad here. Walter Jr: If the other guys hadn't run, I could've talked my way out of it. Hank: Not cool, man. Not cool. Walter Jr: What, you never tried to buy beer when you were my age? Hank: No, I'm talking about you calling me and not your father. How do you think that will make him feel? Scene: White Residence Skyler: I don't even know what to say to you. Just go. I'll deal with you later. Hank: Where's Walt? Skyler: I haven't seen him since this morning. Your guess is as good as mine. Hank: Listen, do me a favor, all right? Don't tell him about the kid. Just a teenager trying to score some beer, you know? You know. Just growing pains. I mean, he finds out his dad's sick, he starts acting out, you know? First the pot, and then this. Skyler: The pot? Hank: You told me he was smoking reefer. Marie: That's what Skyler told me. I mean, you may as well have. Skyler: I wasn't talking about Walter, Jr. I was talking about Walt. Marie: Excuse me? Skyler: He admitted it. He said he liked it. Hank: Walt? I didn't think he had it in him. Skyler: It's like he's not himself lately. I mean, why would anyone in their right mind choose not to do treatment? Especially when it's completely paid for? Why is he doing this? You know what we need to do? What we really need to do is sit him down, all of us, and get everything out on the table. Talk it all through. Marie: You mean an intervention? Skyler: No, no. Just a family meeting where everyone can voice their concerns and be heard. Scene: RV Badger: You are a genius, bro! This cankenstein is unreal! When we get back, I'm gonna burn that dollar bill suit 'cause we're gonna make some mad dough! Jesse: It's not right. Badger: What do you mean it's not right? Jesse: It's cloudy. It's not supposed to be cloudy. That last time, it was glass. Badger: So what? Cloudy, not cloudy, it looks good enough to me. Jesse: "Good enough." Badger: Yo, what are you doing? Are you out of your mind? I totally would've smoked that! Jesse: It's not for you, it's for our customers. They're gonna demand a certain standard. Badger: What? What are you? What? Jesse: We'll just do it again until we get it right. Scene: White Residence Skyler: Walt, please have a seat and join us. Scene: RV Jesse: We can do better. Badger: Don't you f*cking think about it! Three entire pounds of pseudo wasted! You know how long I had to spin that stupid sign? Jesse: Get off me, psycho! Badger: Helicopter, bitch! Open the door! Come back here, you bitch! I'm gonna mess you up! Scene: White Residence Skyler: I really need to understand your thought process because clearly I don't. I feel that this decision you've made is not only not in your best interest, it's not in the best interest of our entire family. Walter: Look, Skyler. Skyler: Not yet. Please. I have the Talking Pillow. Everybody gets to speak their minds, remember? And then, you'll get your chance. Money has always been an issue for us, I'll give you that. But now that Elliott is more than willing to pitch in, I know, I understand that it's hard for you to accept help. Maybe it's the way you were raised. But, honey it's okay to lean on people now and again. You need this treatment, and nothing can stop you from getting it, except you. Walter: Am I allowed to respond? Skyler: In a minute. I think we need to go around the circle first. Hank, would you like to start? Hank: Yeah. Okay. Well, what I'll say is… Skyler: No, take the Talking Pillow. Hank: All right, look, buddy. I know I don't get to tell you this enough, but I care about you a hell of a lot. This cancer thing, let's just face it. You know, you were dealt a shit hand. But sometimes your luck can change. I mean, I can't tell you how many times I was, you know, I started with a shit hand and I ended up with a full house. Okay? I mean, the key is, you gotta hang in there. Man, you gotta keep placing your bets. Keep placing your bets. Marie: Hank, what the hell are you saying? Skyler: Please, Marie, let him talk. That's what we're here to do. Please. Go on, Hank. Hank: Right, well, look at it this way, okay? It's the bottom of the 9th. Bases are loaded. You're up. But you got a bum arm. Right? There's no frickin' way you're gonna h*t a homer. So you can either let the pinch hitter take the bat, or you can hold onto your pride and lose the game. Get what I'm saying? Walter: No. Hank: You got your pride, man. I get it. Okay? I get it. If this Daddy Warbucks wants to chip in, I'm with your old lady on this one. I say take the money and run, you know? Somebody wanna to take this thing? Here. Skyler: Yes, Walter Jr, I'm sure you have about a million things to say, probably, and now is your chance. Go ahead. Just let it all out. Walter Jr: This is bullshit. Walter: Hey, come on. Skyler: It's all right. Talk. Tell your dad how you feel. Walter Jr: I'm pissed off. Skyler: Tell him. Walter Jr: I'm pissed off, 'cause you're being, you're a p*ssy. You're, like, ready to give up. What if you gave up on me, huh? This here? All the stuff I've been through, and you're scared of a little chemotherapy? Marie: Me, personally? I think you should do whatever you want to do. Skyler: What? Marie: You told us to be honest about our feelings. Walt's the one with cancer. It's his decision. It's not up to any of us. Skyler: Why in the hell would you do this? Marie: I wasn't planning on agreeing with Walt. But after sitting here and listening to you all talk about his future like he has no say in it. Skyler: He's not gonna have a future if he doesn't get treatment. Marie: I am a medical professional. I x-ray people in treatment every day. I see them every day, and you know what? Some of them are absolutely miserable. Skyler: Marie. Marie: I'm sorry, but it's true. And some of them don't wanna spend their last weeks or months being picked at by doctors. But they got talked into it by their families. Hank: Could I get the pillow back? I agree with Marie on that. What? Maybe Walt wants to die like a man. Skyler: I don't want him to die at all! That's the whole point of this. So either help, or leave! Marie: Skyler, I just wanted to do you the courtesy of giving you my honest opinion. Skyler: You know, Marie, this is not a debate club. This is my husband's life. Marie: I make one simple observation. Skyler: My husband's life we're talking about! Hank: Ladies. Come on. Skyler: How dare you? Walter Jr: This is so stupid. Walter: All right, I've got the Talking Pillow now. Okay? We all, in this room, we love each other. We want what's best for each other, and I know that. I am very thankful for that. But what I want, what I need, is a choice. Skyler: What does that mean? Walter: Sometimes, I feel like I never actually make any of my own. Choices, I mean. My entire life, it just seems I never you know, had a real say about any of it. Now this last one, cancer all I have left is how I choose to approach this. Skyler: Then make the right choice, Walt. You're not the only one it affects. What about your son? Don't you wanna see your daughter grow up? Walter: Of course, I do. Skyler, you've read the statistics. These doctors, talking about surviving. One year, two years, like it's the only thing that matters. But what good is it, to just survive if I am too sick to work, to enjoy a meal, to make love? For what time I have left, I want to live in my own house. I want to sleep in my own bed. I don't wanna choke down 30 or 40 pills every single day, lose my hair, and lie around, too tired to get up and so nauseated that I can't even move my head. And you cleaning up after me? Me, with some d*ad man, some artificially alive, just marking time? No. No. And that's how you would remember me. That's the worst part. So that is my thought process, Skyler. I'm sorry. I just, I choose not to do it. Scene: White Residence (Morning After) Walter: All right. Skyler: All right what? Walter: I'll do the treatment. It's gonna be okay. Scene: Waiting Room Skyler: The lady from the billing office said they usually bill the insurance company directly, but since our HMO is not paying for it, we can pay up front with a credit card. Walter: Good. Skyler: And then Elliott will send a check. Walter: I will take care of it. Nurse: Walter White? Walter: Yes. Skyler: Okay. See you in a minute. Scene: Inside Walter’s Car Walter: Elliott. Gretchen: Walt, it's Gretchen. Walter: Oh, hey. Hey, Gretchen. How are you? You know, it was really great seeing you two the other day. What a party. Gretchen: Elliott told me about the cancer. I'm so sorry. Walter: Well, you know, it is what it is, I guess. Gretchen: I don't know what to say except I'm always here for you. Both of us are. We wanted you to know that. Walter: Yeah, well, thank you. Gretchen: Walt, Elliott's told me he had offered to pay for the treatment. You have to accept. That money, as far as we're both concerned, that belongs to you. Even the name of our company, it's half yours. Walt Is this about you and me? Walter: Gretchen, I really appreciate the offer. I do. But we're fine. As it turns out, the insurance came through after all. So I am covered. Well, anyway, I really appreciate it. Thank you. Gretchen: Good, that's good news. Walter: You know, that really was a great party. Gretchen: Keep in touch, okay? Walter: Sure. Sure. Thank you for calling. Scene: Jesse’s House Jesse: Yo! Walter: You wanna cook?

{"type": "series", "show": "Breaking Bad", "episode": "1x05 - Grey Matter"}

foreverdreaming

Scene: RV Walter: Let's get something straight. This, the chemistry, is my realm. I am in charge of the cooking. Out there on the street, you deal with that. As far as our customers go, I don't wanna know anything about them. I don't want to see them. I don't want to hear from them. I want no interaction with them whatsoever. This operation is you and me, and I'm the silent partner. You got any issues with that? Jesse: Whatever, man. Walter: No matter what happens, no more bloodshed. No v*olence. Scene: Walt’s Chemotherapy Skyler: Walt? You all right? Walter: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm okay. You know, honey, you really don't have to… Skyler: Look, I like being here with you. Walter: I'm only saying that, I'd be okay with it, really, if you want to go. You know, actually, it would make me feel a little better knowing that you were there when Walter Jr. gets home from school. Skyler: Okay. All right. You'll call me when you're finished? Walter: Oh, yeah. Skyler: And have you been in touch with Elliott? Because I haven't seen a check from him. Walter: Yes, I got it. Skyler: Really? Walter: It came, yeah. Yeah, it came last week, and I put it right into my credit union account, all taken care of it. Skyler: Good. Walter: So we're good. We're good. Scene: Bank Walter: Could you not deposit this until Monday? Thank you. Scene: Pharmacy Pharmacist: Call if the discomfort is too much. Otherwise, we'll see you next week. Walter: Yeah. Scene: Walter’s Classroom Walter: Chemical reactions involve change on two levels: matter and energy. When a reaction is gradual, the change in energy is slight. I mean, you don't even notice the reaction is happening. For example, when rust collects on the underside of a car. But if a reaction happens quickly, otherwise harmless substances can interact in a way that generates enormous bursts of energy. Who can give me an example of rapid chemical reaction? Hint, hint. Right here. Student: Like an expl*si*n? Walter: Yes. Good. expl*si*n. expl*si*n are the result of chemical reactions happening almost instantaneously. And the faster reactants, i. e. , expl*sives, and fulminated mercury is a prime example of that, the faster they undergo change, the more violent the expl*si*n. So expl*si*n. Okay, listen. Why don't you start reading on your own from the top of chapter 7, all right? Scene: Restroom Hugo: You okay? I got it, Mr. White. Don't worry. You got kids to teach. Walter: Thanks, Hugo. Scene: Group Therapy Skyler: He's starting to lose weight, which is tough to see that. You know, to feel the difference when I put my arms around him. Can I talk to him? Counselor: Of course. Skyler: Walt when you don't let me in, when you don't tell me what's going on, I think it's like I feel like you don't even want me around sometimes. Walter: No. Skyler: And recently these afternoons, when you're coming home so late and we're just left wondering where you are. Walter Jr: Yeah, Dad. What's up with that? Counselor: Walt, is there anything else you're holding back from your family? Now's the time to share. Walter: Well I like to be alone, I mean at times, and it's not about you, really. It's just that sometimes it feels better not to talk at all about anything, to anyone. Counselor: Alone time can be helpful for some types. Maybe knowing what you do when you're alone might make it easier for your family to be more accepting of whatever it is you do alone. Walter: Well I like to go on walks a couple of times a week, maybe more, after work. And I really enjoy nature. You know, the cacti, the vegetation, that kind of thing. It's really very therapeutic. Scene: Desert Jesse: Yo! You okay? Did you breathe that shit? Walter: No. I'm just dizzy. Jesse: Come here. Sit down, sit down. Walter: I'm burning up. Jesse: Take this off. Sit down. Get some air. Walter: Oh, God. Yeah, that's better. Jesse: When were you going to tell me? Walter: Tell you what? Jesse: Cancer. You got it, right? Walter: How did you know? Jesse: My aunt had one of those dots on her, to target the radiation. What is it in your lung? I'm your partner, man. You should have told me. That's not cool, okay? Not at all. What stage are you? Walter: 3a. Jesse: Gone to your lymph nodes. Walter: Your aunt. How bad was she when they caught it? Jesse: Bad enough. She didn't last long. Walter: How long? Jesse: Seven months. I get it now. That's why you're doing all this. You want to make some cash for your people before you check out. Walter: You got a problem with that? Jesse: You tell me. You're the one that looks like you just crawled out of a microwave. You going to be able to finish the batch? Walter: Yes. Jesse: All right. Walter: No. You do it. Jesse: Me? Walter: Yeah. What happened to your mad skills? Go on. Here. You do it. You can do it. If you have any questions, I'll be right out here. Jesse: The next time, put an ice pack on your head during chemo. My aunt said it helped with the hair loss. Scene: Parking Lot Hank: What's this? Christmas? This the one we found way out in the boonies, the cook site? Holy shit. Steve: What? Hank: Lab pulled up an imprint of some old writing that used to be on the inside. Old Magic Marker or something. Steve: Yeah? What's it say? Hank: "Property of J. P. Wynne Chemistry Lab." That's Walt's school. Scene: Desert Walter: We were supposed to start at 3. Jesse: I'm out there making fat stacks, man. Chill. Hey. Prepaid cell phone. Use it. Walter: How much is this? Jesse: 26 big ones. Walter: Is that all? $26,000? Jesse: No, that's 26 hundred, and your share is 13, minus 25 bucks for that phone. Walter: How much meth did you sell? Jesse: Nearly an ounce. Walter: Last time I checked, there were 16 ounces to a pound. You smoked the rest? Jesse: I've been out there all night slinging crystal. You think it's cake moving a pound of meth one teenth at a time? Walter: Why are you selling it in such small quantities? Why don't you just sell the whole pound at once? Jesse: To who? What do I look like, Scarface? Walter: This is unacceptable. I am breaking the law here. This return is too little for the risk. I thought you'd be ready for another pound today. Jesse: You may know a lot about chemistry, but you don't know jack about slinging dope. Walter: Well, I'll tell you, I know a lack of motivation when I see it. You've got to be more imaginative, you know? Just think outside the box here. We have to move our product in bulk, wholesale, now. How do we do that? Jesse: What do you mean, to a distributor? Walter: Yes. Yes. That's what we need. We need a distributor now. Do you know anyone like that? Jesse: Yeah, I mean I used to until you k*lled him. Walter: So who took Krazy-8's place? Jesse: Some guy named Tuco. A bad ass, from what I hear. Walter: Tuco, okay. So then just go talk to Tuco. Jesse: Right. Like, "Hello, sir. Hey, I know you don't know me, but would you be interested in a felony quantity of methamphetamine?" Walter: Well, yes, but maybe with a little more salesmanship, perhaps? Jesse: You just don't get it, man. This guy's O.G. Walter: What does that mean? Jesse: Jesus, look, he's upper level, man. He's not going to do business with some dude he doesn't know. You don't understand the way it works. You can't just bum rush some high-level iceman and start cutting deals, okay? It's risky. You need an intro. You need someone to vouch. Walter: Well, who introduced you to Krazy-8? Jesse: Emilio. That's only because I knew him from, like, third grade. We can't talk to Emilio, either. Walter: All right, all right. Jesse: Look, I'm telling you, Mr. White, it's too risky. Okay? I mean, we're making money. Why can't you just be satisfied with the way it is? Walter: Jesus! Just grow some f*cking balls! Scene: Bank Teller: Wait till Monday again? Walter: Yes, please. Thank you. Scene: Restroom Hugo: Mr. White. Walter: Thank you, Hugo. Scene: Walter’s Classroom Carmen: Knock-knock. Walter: Oh, hey. Carmen: How are you feeling, Walt? Walter: Good. Carmen: Are you up for having a visitor? Hank: Hey, buddy. Walter: Hank. Carmen: Let me know if you need anything. Walter: I will. Thank you, Carmen. Carmen: No problem. Hank: Damn. That chick's got an ass like an onion. Makes me want to cry. Walter: So what are you doing here? Hank: Well, I had some questions I wanted to run by you, work-related. You okay? I could come back later. Walter: No, no, no, no. I'm fine. Everything's fine. What do you mean work-related, though? Hank: Do you recognize that? Walter: No. Hank: That was used to cook meth. Found that on some Indian land about 40 miles from here. Old label on the inside used to say J. P. Wynne Chemistry Lab. Walter: Really? I don't understand how that came from here. Hank: I was hoping you could help me. We found it near an abandoned car belonging to one of our snitches. Walter: A snitch? Hank: Yeah, one of our confidential informants. Went missing a while back. No body yet, but we're pretty sure he's, you know. Probably chopped up in little pieces and fed to the buzzards. Anyway, any respirators like that go missing lately? Walter: No. No. No, I mean, not that I know of. Hank: I'll need to take a look at that inventory. Walter: Sure. I got a list hanging on the wall. Hank: You mind if I take a look at your storeroom? Walter: Not at all, no. Be my guest. Hank: Right. So who's got keys? Walter: Well, the science faculty, the staff, Carmen, the vice principal has the master, and me. Hank: How about students? Walter: No, no. No students have keys. Hank: I should hope not. My question is do any know where you keep them? Walter: I don't think so. No. Besides, I keep them right here in my pocket anyway, so… Hank: Walt, look, I know they're your students, but, do not underestimate them. Big mistake. Are there any other respirators? Walter: Uh, no. Hank: Because I'm counting six. Inventory says eight. Glassware looking a little sparse. Walter: Is it? Hank: Yeah. You're missing a couple of Erlenmeyer flasks at least. Oh, yeah. A 5,000 milliliter round bottom. Meth heads love to brew in this, baby. Going to answer that? Walter: No, it's just, no, I don't. Hank: Maybe it's Skyler. She's in trouble or something. Don't ignore it on my account. Answer it! C'mon, I got stuff to do. Jeez. Walter: Okay. Hello. Jesse: Yo. What's up, Mr. W? Walter: Speaking. Jesse: Bad time to talk? Walter: Absolutely. Jesse: All right, so just listen. You know that guy we were talking about, Tuco? Turns out my boy Skinny Pete was in the same cellblock with him over at Los Lunas. So we got our in. We're hauling a pound to the dude right now. Walter: Okay, then. Thank you very much for calling. My doctor is very solicitous. Hank: Look, buddy, the last thing I want to do is get you in hot water, but some meth monkey had a feeding frenzy in here, okay? You got to keep a better watch over your turf. Walter: I will. Hank: We don't want people to start wondering about you, right? Walter: Right. No. Right. Absolutely not. Scene: Tuco’s Place Jesse: So you're sure you're tight with this guy? Skinny Pete: Two nuts in a ball sack, yo. Yo, man, I'm Skinny Pete! Jesse: Maybe this isn't such a good idea, yo. Come on. Skinny Pete: Atta man. That's what's happening. Yo, Tuco's expecting us. No need, man. Me and Tuco go back. Tuco. What's happening, my brother? Sick crib, yo. You been keeping it real since you been sprung. What's it been, like a year? Tuco: This your boy? Skinny Pete: Yeah, Jesse. The dude with the glass I was telling you about. Jesse: Hey, man. Yeah, I've heard a lot about you. Tuco: Break out the ice. Take a bump. Jesse: No worries, man. I'm no cop. Tuco: I said h*t it. Jesse: All right. Tuco: Boo ya! Woo! This kicks like a mule with his balls wrapped in duct tape. Woo! Where'd you get it? Jesse: I cooked it. Tuco: Bullshit! Who you working for? Jesse: No one, man. I mean, I have a partner that I cook with, but that's it. Tuco: All right. We got a deal. Skinny Pete: See? I told you Tuco would hook you up. Jesse: Cool. I haven't said how much. Tuco: All right. How much? Jesse: 35 large for the pound. Tuco: Well, you're a little light, ese. It's all right. Don't sweat it. It's all good. It's good. Go on. Get out of here. Jesse: What about the money? Tuco: You'll get it. This is a consignment operation. Jesse: You want me to float 35 G's? Tuco: You don't trust me? Jesse: No, no. Hey, it's not that, man. It's just, you know, I don't do business that way. Tuco: Tough shit! The deal is done! Jesse: You said this was cool. Get money for meth. Cash up front. Skinny Pete: Don't front, dude. Tuco's good for it. Tuco: I don't need your punk ass to vouch for me! Jesse: Come on! Oh, come on! Tuco: All right, you brought me some really clean crystal. Do you really want your money up front? Up front. Nobody moves crystal in the South Valley but me, bitch! Scene: High School Parking Lot Hank: Good morning, Hugo. Don't mind if I call you Hugo, Hugo? Walter Jr: Is that Uncle Hank? Uncle Hank's arresting Mr. Archuleta. Carmen: This doesn't make any sense to me at all. I don't understand. Hank: I got two words for you: background check. How about that? Scene: Walter’s Bathroom Jesse: Yo, yo, yo. 148-3369, representing the ABQ. What up, biatch? Leave it at the tone. Walter: Where the hell are you? Call me back. Skyler: Hey, Walt. Walter: Yeah? Skyler: Hank's about to deal. Walter: Okay. I'll be right there. Scene: Living Room Hank: All right. Let's see what the turn brings us. Marie: You're looking good, Walt. Your color's better. Walter: Yeah? Thanks. Skyler: He's actually on the pretty strong stuff now. Dr. Delcavoli is trying to talk him into taking some time off from work, but... Walter: Well, actually, I just talked to Carmen this morning, and they're getting a substitute for a few weeks. I just didn't have a chance to tell you. Sorry. Hank: Your bet, tough guy. Walter Jr: Check. Skyler: Yeah. Check. Marie: Check's in the mail. 10 million. Hank: Red's 25 million. Blue's 10. Marie: Then 25 million because that's how I roll. Walter Jr: Hey, Uncle Hank, why were you arresting Mr. Archuleta the other day? He's a pretty cool guy. Hank: Well, turns out that he has a record. Yeah. Couple of possession beefs. We figure he was the guy that was stealing your school's chemistry gear. I mean, you know, he had a key. Fit the profile. When we searched his truck, we found a big old fat blunt, which goes to prove old Huge Hugo ain't so cool after all. It's to you, Walt. Walter: Yeah, I'll call. Skyler: I can't believe the school system didn't know about this guy's record. I mean, that's pretty scary. How could something like that just slip through the cracks? Walter: I don't know. I mean, for what it's worth, Hugo just doesn't strike me as the thief. Hank: Yeah, well, nothing personal, Walt, but you wouldn't know a criminal if he was close enough to check you for a hernia. Now, that said, we got a search warrant, and we tore old Hugo's house apart. Turns out he's a major league pothead. But he didn't raid your chemistry set. You hiding something? Walter: I'm in. Walter Jr: Yeah, I got nothing. Skyler: I'm out. Marie: I'm out. Hank: Yowsa! When old "holes in her purse" bails, you know you're in deep. Looks like it's you and me, buddy. Walter: What's going to happen to him? Hugo. Hank: Well, I mean, he's going to lose his job, like he should. Probably spend a couple months in County, as it's not his first rap. I'm waiting. You going to man up, or you're going to puss out? Skyler: Hank. Hank: What? Sorry. Walter: I'm all in. Hank: No. You bad, bad, bad, horrible liar. What are you smoking there, huh? You got a heart? You got the flush, don't you? Nope. Not falling for it, buddy. I fold. Marie: Talk about anti-climactic. Your cards couldn't have been that bad. Oh, my God. You threw away an ace... Hank: What are you doing? Don't. Marie: ...and a cowboy, for...a handful of nothing. Scene: Walter’s Bathroom Walter: Who is this? I was dialing Jesse Pinkman. Well, where is he, then? Scene: Hospital Skinny Pete: You the guy? Walter: Yeah, I'm the guy. How is he? Skinny Pete: Got some busted ribs and like that. Got messed up pretty good. I was all like "Damn, Tuco, chill, ese." I don't know what got into him. Seriously. Oh, he's out, man, way out. They got him doped up big-time. So you're the cook, huh? Yo, I didn't catch your name. Walter: Tell me about this Tuco. Tell me everything about him. Scene: Kitchen Walter: Good morning. Would you pass the butter, please? Walter Jr: Bad ass, Dad. Scene: Tuco’s Place Walter: You Tuco? I want to talk to Tuco, and I'm not leaving until I do. Tuco: What's your name? Walter: Heisenberg. Tuco: Heisenberg. Okay. Have a seat, Heisenberg. Walter: I don't imagine I'll be here very long. Tuco: No? All right. Be that way. It's your meeting. Why don't you start talking and tell me what you want? Walter: $50,000. Tuco: Oh, man! 50 G's? How you figure that? Walter: 35 for the pound of meth you stole and another 15 for my partner's pain and suffering. Tuco: Partner. Oh, yeah. I remember that little bitch. So you must be Daddy. Let me get this straight. I steal your dope, hmm? I b*at the piss out of your mule boy! And then you walk in here, and you bring me more meth? That's a brilliant plan, ese. Brilliant. Walter: You got one part of that wrong. This is not meth. Tuco: Are you f*cking nuts? Walter: You want to find out? Tuco: No-Doze, Gonzo, calma! Calma. Calma. You got balls. I'll give you that. All right. All right. I'll give you your money. That crystal that your partner brought me, it sold faster than $10 ass in TJ. What say you bring me another pound next week? Walter: Money up front. Tuco: All right. Money up front. Sometimes you gotta rob to keep your riches. Just as long as we got an understanding. Walter: One pound is not going to cut it. You have to take two. Tuco: Hey, what is that shit? Walter: Fulminated mercury. A little tweak of chemistry.

{"type": "series", "show": "Breaking Bad", "episode": "1x06 - Crazy Handful of Nothin'"}

foreverdreaming

Scene: High School Superintendent: In closing, I can tell you we take this very seriously. APD as well as the DEA. Stopping the manufacture and sale of methamphetamines remains one of our highest priorities. And the theft of lab equipment from your school is also receiving our highest attention. Rest assured, no stone will go unturned in our search for the person or persons responsible for this. If you have any questions, now would be the time. Parent: You're talking like you haven't caught anybody yet. What about the janitor that was dealing drugs at the school? Carmen: There is no indication that this individual was selling drugs. He was arrested for having a small amount of marijuana in his car, not in the school. And he's since been fired. Parent: I heard he had a record. I'd like to know how he got a job here in the first place. Why wasn't there a background check? Carmen: There was one. We're currently reviewing our hiring policies. Parent: You better be doing more than that. He was arrested in front of my daughter. Parent: This guy was stealing the lab equipment, right? Cop: That's not our thinking at this time. We are looking at others who had access, not limited to the maintenance staff. Parent: Are you saying there was a break-in? Do we know exactly when this happened? I mean, could it have been during school hours? Cop: We haven't been able to establish a date or time, but there is no sign of breaking or entering. Parent: Whoever took it had a key? We're talking inside job? Someone who's still at the school? Cop: At this time I'm not able to discuss the details, but what I can tell you is that we have some very good people working very hard on this case. Parent: I'm sorry, Officer. But that sounds like double-talk. We're trying to protect our children. You have to level with us. Cop: Really, we are giving you all the information we have. Parent: You know what I'd like to see in this school? Drug-sniffing dogs. Parent: Yeah, dogs, and metal detectors, and locker searches, and strip searches. Superintendent: Our district has strict policies. Parent: I heard about this school in Canada. They arrested one of their groundskeepers with drugs. And the next day they found out over half of the students were high on LSD. Parent: LSD? When were you gonna tell us about the LSD? Carmen: No. Please. No one said anything about LSD. Parent: What about the equipment that was stolen? Carmen: The equipment was taken from our chemistry department. And I would like someone to give us some specifics. Walt? Walter: Yeah. Carmen: Mr. White is currently on medical leave. But as he's chair of the science department, he's made a very special effort to be with us here. And I'd like to take a moment to thank him for that. Could you please tell us more about the equipment that was taken? Please. Walter: Yes. And thank you. The inventory list for the missing labware is as follows: one 5,000 milliliter round bottom boiling flask, one Kjeldahl-style recovery flask, two full-face respirators, some sep funnels, a sill head with a thermometer holder. Scene: Parking Lot Skyler: Where did that come from? And why was it so damn good? Walter: Because it was illegal. Scene: Jesse’s House Real Estate Agent: The basement. Unfinished, of course. But just look at all this space. You gotta think rec room, media room. Just imagine all the things you could do down here. Now remember, you're buying for this fantastic neighborhood. Big lawns and shade tress. Walking distance to the country club. Buyer: What happened there? Realtor: Bit of a fixer, but this house has great bones. Realtor: You know what? We're zeroing in. I've got another listing, brand-new, right around the corner. Hi. Hi. It's by appointment only. Walter: I'm here to see the owner. Realtor: He's in the recreational vehicle. Scene: RV Jesse: Yo, it's appointment only! Walter: How you feeling? Jesse: About as good as you look. Jeez, you look like Lex Luthor. Walter: Listen, I visited you in the hospital, but you were asleep. Jesse: Yeah, Skinny Pete said you wanted Tuco's address. Acting like you were all out for blood. You are alive, so obviously you wised up. Walter: No, I did go see him. Jesse: Bullshit. Walter: Are you selling your house? Jesse: I got two dudes that turned into raspberry slushies and flushed down my toilet. I can't even take a proper dump in there. The whole damn house has got to be haunted by now. You didn't actually go see Tuco? Walter: Here. That is seventeen-five. Your half of the 35,000. Plus there's an extra 15 in there. It's all yours. You've earned it. Jesse: You got this money from Tuco. Walter: Yeah. Jesse: So Tuco gave you this is what you're saying. Walter: We made a deal. Jesse: You made a deal? Walter: That's right. Jesse: Wait. Why would you make a deal with that scumbag? You see what he did to me? Walter: Because I think that we can do business together. We came to an understanding. Jesse: No way, man! Okay? No understanding. Walter: Take a look at the money in your hand. Now just imagine making that every week. That's right. Two pounds a week. Jesse: Without even talking to me, you told this insane ass clown d*ad-eyed k*ller that, uh that we would give him two pounds a week? Walter: We'll just scale up our operation. We'll add a few more hours. Jesse: Don't talk to me about hours. What about pseudo, man? How are we gonna get that? You think the meth fairy is just gonna bring it to us? It takes me a week to get this stuff. I'm driving all the way out to Las Cruces to meet up with my smurfs. Walter: Smurfs? Jesse: Dudes who go to the drugstores and get a couple boxes at a time and then sell them to me. And that's maybe only good for, like, maybe a half-pound worth. See, that's the bottleneck in your brilliant business plan. All right. Of course you would have known that if you would have just asked me. Scene: Doctor’s Office Dr. Delcavoli: Well, here we are again. Skyler: Here we are. Dr. Delcavoli: Skyler, you look great. Skyler: Thank you. Dr. Delcavoli: You must be, what, six, seven months? How goes it? Skyler: It's great other than waddling to the bathroom every five minutes. Walter: The baby shower's next week. It'll be good to have a day that's just about Skyler. Dr. Delcavoli: Very nice. Skyler: Thank you. Dr. Delcavoli: Well, Walt, I see you've committed to the hair loss. Walter: Yeah. Dr. Delcavoli: How do you feel? Walter: Oh, okay. You know, pretty decent actually. Skyler: His color is better. You know, his energy. And he's even more physical. Dr. Delcavoli: More physical? Skyler: Well sexual. Frisky, actually. I mean, that's got to be a good sign, right? Dr. Delcavoli: Sure, I'll take that. Right, Walt? Skyler: Couldn't that mean that the chemo is working? Dr. Delcavoli: Realistically, it may just mean that we've got the anti-emetics tuned right. Truth is, until Walt's finished this round of chemo and we look at a new PET scan, we just can't say for sure. Skyler: Isn't there anything else we could be doing? I've been wondering about alternative medicine. I mean, Eastern healing. You know, holistic. Dr. Delcavoli: Well, I can't speak to its efficacy. But as long as it doesn't interfere with our treatment, anything that helps my patient have a better outlook, a better comfort, is fine by me. Skyler: So you're saying it's all psychological. It doesn't make any real difference. Dr. Delcavoli: Having a better outlook can make a tremendous difference. But it's also important that we manage our expectations. Scene: Junkyard Walter: What? Jesse: A junkyard? Let me guess, you picked this place? Walter: What's wrong with it? It's private. Jesse: This is like a non-criminal's idea of a drug meet. This is like, "Ooh, I saw this in a movie. Ooh, look at me." Walter: So where do you transact your business? Enlighten me. Jesse: I don't know. How about Taco Cabeza? Half the deals I've ever done went down at Taco Cabeza. Nice and public. Open 24 hours. Nobody ever gets sh*t at Taco Cabeza. Hell, why not the mall? You know, wait at the Gap. "Hey! It's time for the meet. You know, I'll put down the flat-front khakis, head on over, grab an Orange Julius.” Skip the part where psycho lunatic Tuco comes and steals my drugs and leaves me bleeding to death. Walter: Look, you don't have to be here for this. Okay? I mean, seriously. I'm okay. Jesse: Nah, I'm no p*ssy. I'm good. Tuco: Mr. Clean and his boy. I'm sorry that I had to tune you up. Respect, ese. You gotta give it to get it. Hey, what are we doing way the hell out here? What, they close the mall or something? Heisenberg, come on, break it out. That's it? That's all you got? Walter: We had some production problems. No Doze: Point five-three. Tuco: I thought you was a player. You told me two pounds, and now you waste my time with these Chiclets? 17 and a half. Minus the half for wasting my time. Walter: Hey, come on. Tuco: What, you're gonna argue? You got something to say? You're doing business like a couple little bitches. Walter: I want all of it. 70 grand. Tuco: What did you say? Walter: You like this product, and you want more. Consider it a capital investment. Tuco: Loco bald f*ck. 52 and a half, 25 points vig. Walter: Vig? Jesse: Interest. Weekly. Walter: Okay. That's $65,625 with interest. 1.875 pounds. Tuco: No. 2 pounds. Next Friday. And no production problems. Walter: Can you handle 4 pounds? Tuco: Listen, old man. Talk is talk. But owing me money that's bad. Jesse: What did you just do? Scene: Jesse’s House Jesse: 4 pounds. 4 pounds cause’ 2 pounds wasn't bad enough. We're talking 200-300 boxes of sinus pills. There ain't that many smurfs in the world. Walter: We're not going to need pseudoephedrine. We're going to make phenylacetone in a tube furnace, then we're gonna use reductive amination to yield methamphetamine, 4 pounds. Jesse: So no pseudo? Walter: No pseudo. Jesse: So you do have a plan. Yeah, Mr. White! Yeah, science! Walter: Okay. Jesse: What's this? Walter: That is a shopping list. Getting some of those items may be challenging. Jesse: "One autotransformer, hy...hydrous methyl...methylamine, two 35 M&M tube furnaces." Walter: That's MM: millimeter. One 70-millimeter would be fine, but they're hard to come by, so. Jesse: "40 grams thorium nitrate?” Yo, Mr. White, I can't even pronounce half this shit. You know what? Count me out. I'm leaving town. I'm moving to, like, Oregon or something. Walter: Jesse, Jesse, listen to me. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Jesse: What are you doing? Walter: This is the first day of the rest of your life, but what kind of life will it be? Will it be a life of fear, of "Oh, no, no, no, "I can't do this," of never once believing in yourself? Jesse: I don't know. Walter: Listen. These things? We need them. And only you can get them for us. Scene: White Residence Walter Jr: Okay, it's ready. There you go. Marie: Hi, baby. I'm your Aunt Marie. Now, you already know that because when you watch this 20 years from now, I will look exactly the same as I do now. I know it is amazing. I have aged shockingly well, haven't I? Anyway, welcome to your baby shower, Esmeralda! Walter Jr: Esmeralda? Marie: Esmeralda. That's your name, and you heard it here first. Now, that is your wonderful, handsome older brother. Show her, older brother, your face. Okay. Not right up the nose. Back to me. There's your mommy! Hello, Mommy! And look! There you are, Esmeralda! Wake up, baby! Time to party! Skyler: Easy. Believe it or not, Esmeralda, right after the party, your name was changed to Holly. And I believe, Hank, that was around the time that we took Aunt Marie to the insane asylum. Hank: Yeah, yeah. I dropped her off at the curb. Then I married Shania Twain and lived happily ever after. Marie: There's Daddy! Speak, Daddy! Say hello to your daughter. Walter: Holly, I am very proud of you, and I think about you all the time. Wherever you go, whatever you do in life, always know that you have a family who loves you very, very much. Cheers. Everyone: Cheers! Skyler: Oh, my God, it's so cute. Oh, Carmen, it's oh, look. Look at that. It's adorable. I love it, Carmen. Thank you. Carmen: You're so welcome, honey. Skyler: Thank you. Look at the little feet. Marie: From me. And Hank. Skyler: What nice wrapping paper. Marie always finds the best wrapping paper. Marie: I do. Skyler: Okay. Let's see what this is. Exciting. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. It's a tiara. Marie, is this… Marie: White gold and several carats' worth of zircons. Skyler: Oh, Marie, you spent too much on this. You shouldn't have. You really, really shouldn't. But it's so, it's really, it's sparkly. Sparkly! Like wow! Thank you. Hank: Hey, listen, Walt, you got anything stronger than beer? Scene: Backyard Hank: Sorry, man. You know, after 200 presents, it just gets kind of old. That's nice stuff. Walter: It is, isn't it? Hank: I got just the thing to go with that. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. Walter: No, no, no, no. It's okay. You mind if I have one? Hank: You think it's a good idea? Walter: Hank, I've already got lung cancer. Hank: Okay. You got me there. Walter: Thanks. Cuban. Hank: I did a little favor for an FBI guy. Walter: Now, I was under the impression that these were illegal, hmm? Hank: Yeah, well, sometimes forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest, doesn't it? Walter: It's funny, isn't it? How we draw that line. Hank: Yeah? What line is that? Walter: Well, what's legal, what's illegal, Cuban cigars, alcohol. You know, if we were drinking this in 1930, we'd be breaking the law. Another year, we'd be okay. Who knows what will be legal next year? Hank: You mean like pot? Walter: Yeah. Like pot. Or whatever. Hank: Cocaine? Heroin? Walter: I'm just saying it's arbitrary. Hank: Well, you ought to visit lockup. You hear a lot of guys talking like that. "Hey, man, why'd you bust me with these 14 bales of ganja? It's all gonna be legal next year when Willie Nelson's president." Shit, buddy, it doesn't only go one way, either. Sometimes there's stuff that's legal that shouldn't be. I mean, friggin' meth used to be legal. Used to sell it over every counter at every pharmacy across America. Thank God they came to their senses on that one, huh? Walter: Yeah. Scene: Walter and Skyler’s Bedroom Walter: Nice party. Skyler: A tiara. A white gold tiara for a newborn baby. Walter: Yeah. Skyler: You know, I think she got that at Gertrude Zachary's in Nob Hill. I mean, that thing must have cost, like, what, $500 or $600. You know what? I think I'm going to return it. Walter: You sure? She's bound to find out. Skyler: Well, maybe I can explain to her that we need a Diaper Genie more than a white gold baby tiara. Walter: You know, I've been thinking about what you said to Dr. Delcavoli about alternative medicine. Skyler: Don't worry. I'm not going to mention that anymore. Walter: What I mean is that maybe there is something to it. Here. Look. They do this Navajo sweat lodge up by Farmington. Healing ceremony. It's supposed to be good for your lungs. I'm not saying that I believe in it, but you know, it might be an experience. Skyler: Really? You? In a sweat lodge? Walter: I was thinking about driving up on Friday, coming back Sunday. I mean, if you're okay with it. Skyler: Well, of course I'm okay with that. Walter: Okay. Scene: Jesse’s Garage Jesse: Sweat lodge? Walter: Yeah. Jesse: I'm already sweating. Help me out. Walter: Okay. Right. Excellent. This is excellent. Very good work. Jesse: Damn straight. Walter: Okay. Hydrogen. Electrolytically produced, yes? Jesse: Yeah, like you asked. I mean, this crap wasn't easy to get. It was expensive. Walter: Methylamine. Where's the methylamine? I don't see the methylamine. Jesse: Yeah, well, that's where I ran into some trouble. Walter: What kind of trouble? Jesse: Well, half this crap I could just buy, right? But this methylamine, not so easy. They got it locked down tight. But I did find some pros who will rip it off for us. But they want 10 grand. Walter: So what's the problem? You have the money. Jesse: No, had. I already spent almost the whole wad. I mean, I got, like, 2 grand left. I told you, all this crap was expensive. Walter: So these thieves, did they say where they would be stealing it from? Jesse: Yeah, a chemical supply place south of town. They got guards and security cameras, big ass steel doors. That's why these dudes are charging so much. What? Walter: So why don't we just steal it ourselves? Jesse: Yeah? How are we going to do that? Walter: With this. Scene: Jesse’s Kitchen Jesse: So what's this stuff called again? Walter: Thermite. Jesse: And that will cut through a lock? Because this is supposed to be one big ass lock. Walter: In World w*r II, the Germans had an a*tillery piece, it's the biggest in the world, called the Gustav g*n, and it weighed a thousand tons. And the Gustav was capable of f*ring a 7-ton shell and hitting a target accurately 23 miles away. I mean, you could drop b*mb on it every day for a month without ever disabling it. But you drop a commando, one man, with just a bag of this and he could melt right through and destroy that g*n forever. Jesse: Jeez! Walter: So yes. I think it will cut through any lock we're likely to find. Scene: Gertrude Zachary’s Manager: You'd like to return this? Skyler: It's very nice, but yes. Well, it is from the store, isn't it? Manager: Oh, yes. It's from this store. Do you happen to have a receipt? Skyler: No. I don't. It was a gift. Manager: A gift. Mr. Wilson, could you step over here, please? Mr. Wilson, I'd like you to watch this lady while I phone the police. Skyler: Excuse me? Manager: Ma'am, this item is stolen, as I'm sure you know. Come with me, please. Scene: Manager’s Office Manager: Oh, yes. I intend to press charges. Please do. We'll be here. Skyler: Look, I've never stolen anything in my life, all right? I told you. That tiara was a gift. A baby shower gift. Manager: So who gave it to you, then? Skyler: I don't think I have to tell you that. Manager: You don't have to tell me anything. You can talk to the police, and I can tell them how my daughter-in-law remembers showing this particular item to a tall blonde woman who, when her back was turned, walked right out the door with it. So there. Skyler: Oh, yeah? Then I can talk to the Channel 3 News. Yeah. I can tell them how you people, without a shred, without a modicum of evidence, illegally detained an innocent pregnant woman in a dank storeroom. Manager: This is my office. Skyler: I feel I'm being held hostage. Furthermore, I'm not getting enough air back here. I don't think I can breathe. Oh, my God. Oh, no. I'm going into labor. Scene: Outside of Zachary’s Marie: You've reached Marie. Do the beep thing. Skyler: Marie? It's Skyler. I just left Zachary's. I need to talk to you immediately. Scene: Chemical Supply Warehouse Walter: Where's the guard? Jesse: He's supposed to be coming by. You think he already passed? Walter: I don't know. There he is. Jesse: Yeah, I see him. Walter: Wait till he passes. Jesse: Okay, it's clear. What the hell is this? Walter: It's all they had. Jesse: Then you go to another store. If this is all they had, wrong place. Walter: Just put it on. Okay. This is it. Oh, God. Damn. Duck. Duck. Jesse: What? He's not supposed to come back. What's he doing? Oh, God. He's going to the crapper. Walter: Oh, God. Carry your bag. Jesse: What? What are you doing? Walter: Okay, there is it. Jesse: Is this going to be loud? Walter: We'll find out in about ten seconds. Stand back. Jesse: Jesus! Walter: Where are the gallon jugs? Jesse: I don't know. Walter: God! Jesse: What? Walter: Let's just take this. Come on. Come on. What the hell are you doing opening the door? Jesse: How are we going to take this thing out? Scene: RV in Jesse’s Driveway Walter: How is it going to be any different? Jesse: Can I just try it? Walter: Fine, fine, go ahead. Jesus. Jesse: Okay. All right. Yeah, baby. See? Eat it, okay? I'm the king. I'm the king. No, no, no. That didn't sound good. Walter: Well, this thing's not going anywhere. Jesse: We're not cooking in my damn driveway. I tell you that. Scene: Jesse’s Basement Walter: What part of slow it down did you not understand? Jesse: You talk too much. It's heavy, man. Walter: You got to wait for me. Okay. That's good, that's good. Now just bring it up. Easy, easy, easy. Okay. Your real estate agent, when is she supposed to come back? Jesse: Shit. Yo, I don't know. I'll make damn sure she doesn't. Good call, yo. Walter: All right. Keep the temperature steady at 425 degrees. We'll need to run it two more hours to have enough to make 4 and a half pounds. Jesse: 4 and a half, not 4? Walter: Two pounds pays Tuco back. Four and a half pounds puts us $44,000 ahead. Each. Jesse: Right on, man. Right on. Walter: With the amount of methylamine that we got last night, we could make well, for the foreseeable future. Jesse: How long is that going to be? I mean in your situation. How much cash do you need? Walter: More. Jesse: Someone's in my yard. Walter: Was there, by any chance, scheduled for this afternoon an open house? Jesse: I left her a message, man. It's not my fault. Walter: I don't care how you do it. Just keep them out of here. Do you understand? Jesse: Yeah. Walter: Go. Scene: Clothing Store Skyler: You know you can't duck me forever. Marie: What? Skyler: Come on. I left you, like, 15 messages. When I went to your office, you snuck out the back way. Marie: I didn't sneak. I was going to lunch. Jeez, Skyler, what are you, the paranoid police? Skyler: Marie, I have never been so humiliated in my life. That tiara. They accused me at Zachary's of shoplifting it. Marie: What were you doing at Zachary's? Skyler: I was returning it. Marie: You were returning it. Why would you return it? Skyler: It just wasn't...Marie, what is wrong with you? Can you please tell me that? Can you tell me why you'd do such a thing? What does that mean? Does that mean you don't know? Marie: That means that I have no idea what the hell you're even talking about. Skyler: You have no idea what I'm talking about. The shoplifting. No idea? You're not going to admit this, are you? Marie: I can't really admit to something when I have no knowledge of what it is that I'm admitting. Scene: Jesse’s House Real Estate Agent: Don't forget to sign in. Thank you. Thank you. Buyer: Excuse me. I'd just like to see the basement. Jesse: Yeah, well, it's occupied. Buyer: It's not a bathroom. I just want to see the basement. What's the big deal? Jesse: Yo, you ain't seeing the basement, bitch! You got that? Is that sinking in? Now b*at it. All of you all. House is not for sale! Get the hell out! Scene: White Residence Skyler: So how was it? Was it an experience? Walter: Yeah. It was definitely an experience. Skyler: What's that smell? Walter: Yeah. It's sacred Navajo herbs and, hey, is everything okay? Skyler: No. Not really. Actually, not at all. You know that tiara that Marie gave us? Walter: Yeah. Skyler: Well, she stole it. Yeah. I practically got arrested trying to return it at the store. Walter: Oh, my God. Skyler: She refuses to admit it. She refuses to apologize. I don't know what to do. Walter: Oh, well. People sometimes do things for their families. Skyler: People sometimes do things for their families? And, what, that justifies stealing? Walter: Yeah. Skyler: That must have been some sweat lodge. Have you been listening to the words coming out of your mouth? Walter: What would you do if it were me? Skyler: What do you mean if it were you? Walter: If it were me, what would you do? Would you divorce me? Would you turn me in to the police? Skyler: You don't want to find out. Do you want something to eat? Walter: No, thanks. Scene: Junkyard Tuco: What is this shit? This is blue. Walter: We used a different chemical process, but it is every bit as pure. Jesse: It may be blue, but it's the b*mb. Tuco: Tight! Tight, tight, yeah! Blue, yellow, pink. Whatever, man. Just keep bringing me that. Come on. And what did I say, man? This guy can cook! You're all right, man. You're all right. We're going to make a lot of money together. No Doze: Just remember who you're working for. Tuco: What did you say? No Doze: I'm just saying they got to know that they're working for you. Tuco: Like they don't already know that? Are you saying that they're stupid? No Doze: No, I'm just saying. Tuco: Oh, yeah. So you're not saying that they're stupid. So I don't understand. Are you saying that I'm stupid? No Doze: No. Come on, Tuco. I'm just saying. Tuco: No, you're just speaking for me! Like I ain't got the damn sense to speak for myself! Is that it? Is that what you're doing? Walter: Tuco. Hey, why don't we all just relax, huh? Tuco: Heisenberg says relax. Orale, homes. I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed. Damn, man! Look at that! Look! Yeah. That's messed up. Okay, Heisenberg! Next week.

{"type": "series", "show": "Breaking Bad", "episode": "1x07 - A-No-Rough-Stuff-Type-Deal"}

foreverdreaming

Scene: Junkyard Tuco: What is this? It's blue. Walter: We used a different chemical process, but it is every bit as pure. Jesse: May be blue, but it's the b*mb. Tuco: Tight, tight, tight! Yeah. Blue, yellow, pink! Whatever man, just keep bringing me that. You're all right. We're gonna make a lot of money together. No Doze: Just remember who you're working for. Tuco: What did you say? No Doze: I'm just saying, they gotta know that they're working for you. Tuco: Like they don't already know that? Are you saying that they're stupid? No Doze: No, I'm just saying. Tuco: Oh yeah, so you're not saying that they're stupid? So, I don't understand. Are you saying that I'm stupid? Is that it? Is that what you're doing? Walter: Tuco. Why don't we all just relax? Tuco: Heisenberg says, "relax. " I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed Damn, man! Look at that! Look! Yeah. That's messed up. Okay, Heisenberg! Next week. Walter: Adjusting for inflation. Good state college, adjusting for inflation, say $45,000 a year. Two kids, four years of college, $360,000. Remaining mortgage on the home, 170,000. Home equity line, 30,000. That's 137,000. Cost of living, food, clothing, utilities, say two grand a month, and that should put a dent in it, anyway. 24k a year, provide for say, 10 years. That's $240,000. Plus 360, plus 137. 737. $737,000. That’s what I need. That is what I need. You and I both clear about 70 grand a week, that's only 10 1/2 more weeks. Call it 11. 11 more drug deals and always in a public place from now on. It's do-able. Definitely do-able. Tuco: Heisenberg! What the hell? What's wrong with him? What's the matter with you? You can't take an ass-beating, bitch? Gonzo: Damn, Tuco. Tuco: Shut up. Walter: There's no pulse. Tuco: Do something. Walter: Do something? He needs an ambulance. He needs a hospital. Tuco: Do something! You're smart, right? Do that thing! Walter: No, there's nothing. Tuco: Breathe into his mouth. Walter: No, they don't teach that anymore. It doesn't work. Tuco: You, come here! Breathe into his mouth! Get rid of him. Gonzo: We can't do him like that, man. Buzzards and rats and all that. I'm just saying, you know? It's not very Christian. Tuco: It sounds like arguing. Gonzo, hurry up! What's the big hurry? Walter: I just think we're done here. Tuco: You're done. Scene: White Residence Skyler: Hey, I'm back here! Hello? Didn't you hear me? Walter: Hey. Skyler: Hey, yourself. What, you can't answer when I'm calling you? Are you okay? Walter: Great. Skyler: New hat? I got some grilled chicken at Albertsons. You want me to heat some up for you? Where've you been? Do you know what, I've got all this crap on my face. Let me clean up first, okay? You know, Walter Junior's gonna be home any minute, so enough. Hold up. Stop it. Stop it! I know you're scared, and you're angry, and you're frustrated. And I know none of this is fair. But you cannot take it out on me. Walter Jr: Hey, I'm home! Scene: Jesse’s House Jesse: We are d*ad. d*ad, man! Muerto! Or muerte! However the hell you... Walter: This is conjecture. Jesse: This is conjecture? Walter: Yes. And conjecture isn't helping. Jesse: My conjecture isn't helping. Fine. Facts then. Fact A: My phone rang, like, eight times last night. d*ad air, hang ups every time. Second fact: Like 3 in the morning I saw that black caddy of his cruising my neighborhood. No headlights. Walter: No if he wanted to k*ll us, he would've done it at the junkyard. Jesse: What is that? Conjecture? Are you basing that on that he's got a normal, healthy brain or something? Did you not see him b*at a dude to death for, like, nothing? And that way, that way he just kept staring at us, saying, "You're done." "You're done"? You wanna know what that means? I will tell you what that means. That means exactly how it sounds, yo! All right. We are witnesses. We are loose ends. Right now, Tuco's thinking, "Yeah, hey, they cook good meth, but can I trust them?" What happens when he decides no? Walter: No. Jesse: It's him or us! You understand? It is him or us! Walter: How would you do it? Jesse: What do you mean how would I do it? Walter: Specifically, how would you do it? Step by step. Jesse: Alright. Say we set up one last sale, this is providing he doesn't decide to waste us before then. Every time we bring in a new batch, he always tests the product, right? So, as his head is down you know, just giving it a snort, pop pop pop! Walter: Pop pop pop? So three sh*ts? Jesse: Three sh*ts, or, I don't know, two. Walter: But is it two, or is it three? Jesse: Two would probably work, I guess, yeah. Walter: Two sh*ts in the chest? Or two sh*ts in the face? Jesse: Man, come on. Walter: I'm just trying to understand how this works. All right. We'll put a pin in that. But by now, the big guy, Gonzo he's probably coming at you, right? So you turn toward him, how many sh*ts for him? He's a big guy, right? How many sh*ts does that take? Jesse: I don't know. Three sh*ts. Walter: Okay, three sh*ts. Tuco and Gonzo. Two men down. Now, is there anyone else there? I mean, Tuco is usually with someone else, right? Maybe even a couple of guys. His dealers, his posse. All right. So we'll put a pin in that one, too. Now, at this point, how many sh*ts have been fired? You've gotta be running low. How many b*ll*ts does that g*n take? How can you suggest that we k*ll a man, and you can't even open the g*n? It's not that easy, is it? Jesse: Hey, man, Walt, you did it. Walter: Yeah. Scene: Hank and Marie’s Kitchen Marie: Call Skyler. Walter: Hey, there. You've reached Walt, Skyler, and Walter Junior. We can't come to the phone right now, so please leave us a message. Marie: Well, aren't you an early bird, up and out already. The big lug and I are gonna go try that new restaurant over by UNM tonight. So let me know if you guys wanna hang. Listen to me. "Hang." Walt Junior would be proud. I know the lingo. I'm still hip. It's Chinese, the restaurant. I don't know. I just feel like Chinese. Do you think that people in China ever just feel like American? You know, and they go out and get little take-out boxes with mashed potatoes and meatloaf, and try and figure out how to use the little knives and forks? I wonder if that ever happens. All right. I'll let you go. So call me. Scene: Driveway Hank: Skyler didn't pick up? Marie: Obviously she's not home. Hank: What was that about Chinese? Marie: Dinner tonight. That new place. Hank: How late they serve? Marie: I don't know. Hank: You got Dave at 8. Marie: Not tonight. Hank: Yeah, you do. Remember? Marie: No, that's Thursday. I'm pretty sure that's Thursday. Hank: Remember how, at the last minute, they changed it around for you? They were gonna charge us a penalty. Look, baby, you only got six more sessions. Marie: And I'm doing them, Hank. I said I would do them, and I'm doing them. I can't help it if you got your days of the week wrong. Neighbor Kid: Look out! Sorry, Mr. Schrader! Hank: Look, it's you know, it's just I think Dave is really helping you. Sorry about that. She's... Scene: Police Station Prisoner: Hey! Hey, where's my phone call? Ow! Steve: Hits two in the sand, two in the forest. And then he says, "Give me a four." Hank: Gomez. What do you got for me? Come on. Chop-chop. Steve: Good morning to you, too. APD sent this over. This was about eight or ten days ago. You know Southwest Aniline, right? Hank: Yeah, off the 25? Whole place smells like feet. Steve: This is them. Check this out. Hank: Holy shit. What was that? Steve: Thermite. So they tell me. Burns about 5,000 degrees. Kind of stuff you see in a James Bond movie. Hank: Nice! Guys who know their trade. Wait. I take that back. What, they didn't think about stealing a hand truck? Try rolling it, morons! It's a barrel. It rolls. Jesus. So what'd they get? Steve: Methylamine, 30 gallons. Hank: P2P? They're cooking old-school biker meth. Who the hell still does that? Steve: All the old-timers I know are either d*ad or in prison. Hank: Pseudo's in short supply, so these two make do by changing up the formula. That and the thermite I'd say these two know their chemistry. Steve: But ranking them as burglars? Hank: Shit! I wouldn't trust these two to break into the Special Olympics. They got book learnin' but no street skills. Steve: Maybe they're college kids. Chem students trying to make a big score. Hank: Maybe. I tell you, 30 gallons of precursor. That big a score, they're gonna wind up stepping on some toes. Tell you what, they better pray it's us who catches up to them and not those boys from Juarez. Scene: White Residence Skyler: Your daughter wants out. Walter: Hey, there. You've reached Walt, Skyler, and Walter Junior. We can't come to the phone right now, so please leave us a message. Marie: Hey, it's me. I thought I'd try you earlier this time, before you go out and, you know, face the day. I'm realizing now it probably takes you a little longer to get to the phone, owing to the extra baby weight... Walter: Hey, sweetie. Skyler: Walt, did you spend the entire night out here? Walter: No, no. Well, not all of it. Oh, yeah. I did have a touch of my stomach, you know? I knew I was gonna be up and down, so I just didn't want to wake you. Scene: Jesse’s House Walter: How would he know where I live? Jesse: You're sure it was Tuco? Walter: Who else could it be? Did you ever tell him my name, where I live or anything? What about Gonzo, or the d*ad one? Did you tell them anything about me? Jesse: I didn't say jack! Tuco must've put out, like, you know, feelers. He's got his ways and means, yo. Sources, all right? He's closing in. Walter: And what happens when he finds out that my brother-in-law is a DEA agent? Oh, God. What happens then? Jesse: Look, it's got five b*ll*ts. I finally figured out how to. Look, I just finally figured it out. Say we get a second g*n, right, for you. I mean, don't we, like, double our chances? I mean, mathematically. Walter: I've got a better idea. Jesse: Thank God! All right. What is it, Mr. White? Lay it on me. Walter: Beans. Jesse: Beans? Walter: They're castor beans. Jesse: So what are we gonna do with them? Are we just gonna grow a magic beanstalk, huh? Climb it and escape? Walter: We are going to process them into ricin. Jesse: Rice and beans? Walter: Ricin. It's an extremely effective poison. It's toxic in small doses. Also fairly easy to overlook during an autopsy. All right. So...don't touch them. Jesse: Wait. Seriously, you can get poison from beans? Walter: Back in the late '70s, ricin was used to assassinate a Bulgarian journalist. The KGB modified the tip of an umbrella to inject a tiny pellet into the man's leg. And we're talking about an amount not much bigger than the head of a pin. Jesse: But it k*lled him? Walter: Now we just need to figure out a delivery device, and then no more Tuco. Scene: White Residence Hank: How you doing? Is this a bad time? Skyler: No, come on in. Hank: I should've called first. I'm sorry. Skyler: What can I do for you? Hank: Maybe we ought to sit down first? Skyler: I don't know, Hank. Depends on whether or not this is gonna be about Marie. Did she send you? Hank: Hell, no. She's barely even talking to me. That's why I'm here, okay? Self-preservation. Big time. Look, I know you gals have your ups and downs. I get it. And I need to get involved like I need a second hole in my ass. But if you could do me this huge favor and just return her phone calls. Skyler: I don't think I'm quite ready to do that yet. You know, communication. Communication, right? The back, the forth. Hank: Come on. Sky, do this for me, please. You can yell at her. Just call her back. Skyler: Marie is a shoplifter, Hank. That's right. That "baby tiara" she gave me at the shower? She stole it from Gertrude Zachary's. I almost got arrested when I went back to return it. And Marie won't admit it. She won't apologize. Hank: Yeah. If I thought you were gonna return it, I would have never, you know. Skyler: You knew about this? Hank: We're working on it. I mean, she's got this therapist, Dave. I mean, Dave is really good. Dave's good. But it's an ongoing process, Sky, and we have gotta be understanding. You know? I mean, we've gotta, you know. We've gotta support the shit out of her. Skyler: Do we? I need support. Me! The almost 40-year-old pregnant woman, with the surprise baby on the way. And the husband with the lung cancer who disappears for hours on end, and I don't know where he goes, and he barely even speaks to me anymore. With the moody son who does the same thing. And the overdrawn checking account. And the lukewarm water heater that leaks rusty-looking crap and is rotting out the floor of the utility closet and we can't even afford to fix it. But, oh, I see! Now I'm supposed to go, "Hank, please.What can I possibly do to further benefit my spoiled, kleptomaniac bitch sister who somehow always manages to be the center of attention! Cause God knows she's the one with the really important problems!" Scene: Jesse’s Basement Hank: Want me to take a look at that utility closet? Jesse: That's all it takes? Walter: That's all it takes. Jesse: So, now what? Walter: Now, we arrange our next meet, in a public place this time. Nice and safe. Business as usual. And, uh, after we sell him our usual four pounds, then we'll pull this out. "By the way, Tuco, the new meth formula we've been working on. Would you care to try it?" Jesse: Okay, well, what's new about it? Just in case he asks. What do we say? Walter: I don't know. Whatever you want. It gets the user insanely high. I mean, how much salesmanship do we really need? That degenerate snorts anything he gets his hands on. Jesse: Okay, well, we'll just put a pin in that, then. Walter: Anyway, within the next 48 hours, maybe 72, it'll look like natural causes. Jesse: What, like a heart att*ck? Walter: Or the flu, maybe. His associates won't know any differently, and we'll be in the clear. Jesse: Not if Tuco kills us first. Walter: Just keep it down. Hey, Hank. What's up? Hank: Hey, buddy. You been home yet? Walter: Why? Hank: Well 'cause I really screwed up. I apologize in advance for the earful you're gonna hear from Skyler. I'm just trying to get her and Marie talking again. Big mistake. I should have just kept out of it. Walter: Yeah, well, okay. Hank: Me and my big mouth, I guess. Walter: Well, that happens. It's no problem. No worries. Hank: Well, thanks, man. I appreciate that. Jesus, the wives, huh? Walter: Hank, unfortunately, I really... Hank: Oh, yeah, man, don't let me keep you. Actually, I'm at work, so you wanna see something really freaky? Walter: Well, I would, but... Hank: Seriously, Walt, this is, you gotta check out this crime scene me and Gomie are at. Just a second. Hang on, hang on. It should be coming through right now. Guess it could be worse, huh? We could be having a day like these two. A couple of local bulletheads. Guess they pissed off the wrong guy. Walt, you there? Scene: Living Room Walter: I'm taking this. Jesse: No! It's my g*n! I need it! Walter: No, you don't! Not if you leave town. Get out of here. Tuco k*lling Gonzo means he's coming after us next. I've gotta get home. My family. Scene: Walter and Skyler’s Bathroom Walter: Where's Walter Junior? Skyler: Having dinner at Louis's house. Supposedly. All day, I've had the whole house to myself. So where have you been this time? Scene: Nursery Skyler: Walt, will you come in here and talk to me please? Walter: I'll be right there. Scene: Junkyard Hank: Yeah, I recognize these two knob jobs. Known associates of a psychotic piece of shit named Tuco Salamanca. Steve: Guess he got tired of associating. Hank: Do you mind if I get in there? Agent: No, go ahead. Hank: The big one smells fresher. You guys find a death wound? I see lots of blood, but no b*llet holes. Agent: You done taking pictures? All right. Let's lay 'em out flat. Hank: Let me get out of your way here, man. Steve: Oh, snap! Hank: Damn, Ricky. Leave something for the coroner. Oh, this is beautiful. Hey, someone call Jay Leno. We've got the world's dumbest criminal. This guy wasn't m*rder. Look. Big Stuff, here, was moving this guy's body, when the stack must have shifted. Crushed his arm, pinned him here, and he bled out! Steve: Poetic justice. Oh, I love it. Hank: Don't you just? Get a photo of me with this guy, all right? Old Stumpy, here. Make sure you get the stump in there. Scene: Walter and Skyler’s Bathroom Skyler: Would you talk to me, please? Walter: I don't know where to begin. Scene: Driveway Walter: What the hell are you doing here? Tuco: Get in. Get in. Let's go.

{"type": "series", "show": "Breaking Bad", "episode": "2x01 - Seven Thirty-Seven"}

foreverdreaming

Scene: Police Station Hank: All right, everybody. Listen up. Tuco Salamanca. For those of you not with us this morning, we raided his headquarters. Also his last known address. Even the little den of iniquity he keeps for his meth hag girlfriend. We netted a bunch of his lieutenants. The big man himself smelled us coming. So study the face. Study the file. Get a big ol raging hard on at the idea of catching this piece of shit. My apologies to the HR department. Grow tumescent with anticipation. All right. On the h*t parade, 1998. Reputed to have whacked "Dog" Paulson, back when our home-grown banditos where wrestling the crank trade away from the So Cal biker gangs. Also, we're pretty sure he knifed a Mexican national in '03. And for my money, seeing how he customarily deals with rivals, I'd say he is a prime suspect in the disappearance of our dearly-missed Krazy-8. Hats over your heart for that dirtball. We hauled Tuco in for questioning on that one, but as usual, we couldn't make it stick. He runs a tight ship. Smug bastard. And even worse, El Paso says he's got some kind of cartel connection. I know it's, we all know what's going on down there. We sure as hell don't want it going on up here. Which brings us to the good news. We finally got some actual, honest-to-God evidence. This is one of Tuco's henchmen. Street name, No Doze. Found him tucked in the junkyard, along with Tuco's own brother-in-law, A.K.A. Gonzo. Gonzo, this rocket scientist, was moving No Doze's body, either hiding it there or pulling it out, still not sure, when he got his arm crushed clean off. Anyone wanna see the photos, they're on my Website. Hilarious. Anyway. The upshot is, we got us a nice, big, juicy, bloody fingerprint, which belongs to senor Tuco. Christmas came early to the Schrader household. That is, provided we find this guy. So to all present, I ask you, you wanna find this guy? Everyone: Yeah! Hank: What the hell was that? Jesus. Wanna try that again? Do you want to find this guy? Everyone: Yeah! Hank: Are we going to find this guy? Everyone: Yeah! Hank: Louder, damn it! Everyone: Yeah! Hank: Give me a hell, yeah! Everyone: Hell, yeah! Scene: Hallway Hank: They ain't gonna find him. Guy's in Mexico by now. Appearances, Gomie. It's all about appearances. Listen, I gotta take some personal time. Steve: Now, in the middle of a manhunt? Hank: Skyler called last night. It's Walt. He's missing. Just disappeared from the house, and no one's heard from him since. Steve: Damn. You don't think he...Holler if you need me. Hank: Thanks a lot, man. Appreciate that. Scene: White Residence Skyler: This is the most recent photo. We haven't taken many lately, but that's what he looks like now. Without the hair. Hank: Hey, it's me. Hey, Tim. Really appreciate you sparing us your day off. Tim: No worries. Happy to help. Yeah, this is helpful. Good. What about height and weight? Skyler: Five eleven most recently, about 170. I guess he weighs a little less. Tim: That's fine. That's close enough. Good. What about other distinguishing features? Tattoos or moles or scars? Anything that might help us. Skyler: Tattoos? Not really. Tim: That's fine. Is that the list of medications? Skyler: Yes. I wrote them all down. And there's no drug interactions. None that are listed. I called his doctor, so, no. Tim: Has he been depressed? Skyler: He's been withdrawn lately. A little withdrawn. Last night, he was agitated. Tim: Agitated. Skyler: Yeah. When he came home last night, he was agitated, upset. Tim: Upset in general? Or upset because of something particular? Skyler: When I asked him what was wrong, he said "I don't know where to begin." Then he just walked out of the bathroom. I was in the tub. Taking a bath. And when I came out about ten minutes later, he was gone. Tim: Nothing else missing? Skyler: His keys, wallet, cell phone. Just what was on him. What about the phone call? Hank: I'm looking into it. Tim: What phone call? Skyler: Walt's cell phone rang. He pulled it out, looked at it, and didn't answer it. But then, a short time after, he wandered out of the bathroom. I mean couldn't that be important, right? Tim: Anything else you can think of? Skyler: Anything else. I called the credit card providers, and there's no report of any recent activity. Let's see I checked with every hospital within 50 miles. Every police station. Every morgue. So, no, I really don't. I don't have anything else. I was actually hoping that you had something else, being that you're the expert. I'm sorry. Tim: No worries. I think this is good enough to start. Gives us plenty to work on. Skyler: Thank you. Hank: So that cell phone call she's talking about? I ran it. Tim: And? Hank: Never happened. No record of it. Tim: Second cell phone. Hank: Yeah. I'm thinkin' that. Scene: Tuco’s House Skyler (Walt’s Imagination): I understand. Tuco: Out! Jesse: Get away from me! Tuco: Settle down, bitch! Jesse: You gonna sh**t me? sh**t me in here! I hope I bleed like a mother, too! That way, you have to clean it up! Tuco: It's your ride, ret*rd. I ain't gotta clean jack. Now get out! Get up! Get up. Walter: Don't do this, Tuco. Scene: White Residence Marie: No more posters? Skyler: Walter Junior's making more. Thank you, Marie. Marie: I don't think he'll hurt himself. I mean, he just doesn't strike me as the type. He'll turn up. Okay, the whole tiara thing I just find it bewildering that you didn't believe that... Skyler: Not now. Scene: Tuco’s House Tuco: Empty your pockets. Thought your name was Heisenberg, "Walter Hartwell White?" Walter: Heisenberg is kind of a pseudonym. A business name. Tuco: I like doing business with a family man. There's always a lot of collateral. Answer me one thing. Can I trust you? Walter: Yes, absolutely. Tuco: Sit down. The DEA h*t my place of business this morning. About a hundred cops looking for me. You two haven't been talking, right? Picked up my whole crew, top to bottom. Everybody except Gonzo. That's weird, right? I mean, don't you think that that's weird? Walter: That's weird. Yes. Unusual. Tuco: Unusual. Last two days, I couldn't get Gonzo on the phone. He's been acting all pouty on account of No Doze. Explain to me, how is it my fault that that little bitch did not know his place? I saw this coming. I can see the future, you know? It's this gift that I have deep inside my head. I knew last night they were going to come and try and bust me. Gonzo went and snitched to the cops! That lousy son of a bitch! I trusted him like a brother! I was good to him! I was good! I see Gonzo, I'm going to gut him, I'm going to skin him, and I'm going to stuff his hide for a heavy bag, and every time I h*t him, it's going to be like a lesson to myself! You never, never trust the people that you love! Jesse: So, you plan to ice Gonzo, like, future tense? Tuco: What? Walter: You're saying that Gonzo is currently operating as a police informant, as far as you know? I'm very sorry to hear that. That's disappointing. Jesse: I'd waste him, too, yo. Tuco: Shut up. Jesse: Okay. Tuco: They're out there looking for me right now. They got ghetto birds and black ops. I need to get high. I need to get good and high. What's with this gak? It smells like head cheese. Jesse: It's k*ller. Yeah, seriously. Tuco: So, I was thinking last night. I came up with this great idea. Mexico. Walter: Mexico? Tuco: We'll disappear way out in the jungle. We'll set you up in a superlab. We'll do nothing but cook 24-7. And no federales are going to mess with us, because I got my people there. Connections. We're going to make beaucoup bucks, Heisenberg. Walter: I have a wife and family. Tuco: So what? You'll get another one. Walter: I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I can't just uproot my life like that. Jesse: Yeah, man. I mean, me, neither. Tuco: Who's talking to you? Jesse: You need me, man, 'cause I cooked that scante in your hands. I'll tell you something, yo. You never tried nothing like it. Stink or no stink, one bump, you'll be flying high for days. It's a new product him and I have been working on. Careful when you h*t it. It kicks like a 12-gauge when it comes on. It's got a secret ingredient. Tuco: What secret ingredient? Jesse: Chili powder. Tuco: I hate chili powder. This blue magic, this is money. You keep cooking this, Heisenberg. We're going to rewrite history with this. All right! Time to clean the menudo out from between your ears! Walter: No, I need him, Tuco. I need him very, very badly. He's my partner. And if he doesn't go, I don't go. Tuco: I'll tell you this, my cousins are driving up here right now to smuggle us back down, and they're going to be here by sunset, and you're going to be on that truck, or you're going to be d*ad! And you, you better hope they got room in the trunk. Scene: White Residence Skyler: Where are you going? Walter Jr: Louis is taking me to the train station. We'll put these up. Skyler: No, no, honey. No, I'll do it. Marie: He wants to help, let him help. I mean, how long has it been since you've slept? Hank: Yeah, she's right, Sky. Why don't you lay down a while? For Christ sake, you got a bun in the oven. Walter Jr: I got my cell if you need me. Skyler: Bye, sweetie. Walter Jr: I'll see you later. Skyler: All right. Walter Jr: Bye. Marie: Actually, I think the very fact they haven't found him yet bodes well. Well, I mean, if he, you know. Somebody would've smelled something by now. Skyler: There's got to be something, some detail that we haven't picked up on. Marie: What about the second cell phone? Hank: Aw, Jesus. Marie: We can't just ignore a potential clue, Hank. Skyler: Okay. What are you talking about? Hank: The call you said Walt got before he disappeared, there's no record of it with the phone company. No incoming, no dropped calls, nothing. Skyler: But his phone rang. I heard it. Hank: Well, all right. Well, then, if that's the case, he must have a second phone. Skyler: Why? What sense would there be in that? Hank: All right. Okay. I'm not here to argue with you. Skyler: No, Hank. You can't just bring up "secret cell phone" and then drop it. What does it mean? Hank: I don't know, Sky. What do you want me to say? It means Walt has a secret. Everyone's got one from somebody, big or little. Skyler: "Everyone." Marie: Skyler, come on. He kept cancer from you for weeks. Skyler: Then, let's assume there is a second cell phone. So, what? Is he having an affair? Marie: Walt? Please. What about the marijuana? Skyler: He's not on pot anymore. Marie: Says who? Him? Chemotherapy and marijuana go together like apple pie and Chevrolet. Maybe he's addicted to the pot, and he owes his drug dealer a lot of money. Skyler: You don't get hooked on pot like that. Marie: How do you know? You didn't even know he had a second cell phone. You have to question this drug dealer person. He may know something. Hank: Well, I'm telling you, we're grasping at straws here. Marie: Then grasp. Scene: Pinkman Residence Hank: Excuse me. Ma'am? Hi. I'm looking for Jesse. He around? Mrs. Pinkman: No. I'm afraid not. Why? Hank: I'm sorry. Hank Schrader. I'm actually hoping to talk to Jesse about my brother-in-law, Walter White. He taught your son chemistry in high school. Mrs. Pinkman: Oh, Mr. White. Yes, I remember him. That was a long time ago. Hank: Yes, ma'am. It's my understanding that he and Jesse, they've stayed in touch. Mrs. Pinkman: Really? Mr. White must've seen some potential in Jesse. He really tried to motivate him. He was one of the few teachers who cared. Hank: Yeah, Walt's that way. He's a good man. Mrs. Pinkman: I'm so sorry to hear about his illness. Please pass along our best wishes. Hank: I certainly will, as soon as he turns up. He's missing, actually. Just kind of walked off or...anyway, which is why I'm going around trying to think of anyone who knows him, even slightly. Mrs. Pinkman: That's terrible. Anything we can do to help? Hank: Well, if you could put me in touch with your son. Like I said, we're kind of desperate for leads. Jesse's not answering either phone number I have for him, and no one seems to be home at his house. Mrs. Pinkman: And why do you think my son and Mr. White would be in touch? Hank: I don't necessarily. I just... Mrs. Pinkman: Are you with the police? Hank: No, ma'am. Not at all. I'm with the Drug Enforcement Administration. Mrs. Pinkman: Oh, my God. Is my son in trouble? Hank: I have absolutely no reason to think that, no. Mrs. Pinkman: Do I need to get a lawyer? You know, you don't seem very forthright about this, coming here and asking questions about my son. Hank: Mrs. Pinkman, I swear to you, I'm not here on official capacity. I do not care what your son may or may not have done wrong. I just want to find my brother-in-law. His wife is worried sick, and she's got a baby on the way. Mrs. Pinkman: I'm sorry. I would like to help you, but I have not seen my son in over a month. I don't expect to see him anytime soon. Hank: Well, thanks for your time. If you could tell me one more thing. Is Jesse still driving the, uh, '89 Chevy Monte Carlo, as far as you know? Mrs. Pinkman: If he had spent half as much time and money on his education as he has on that ridiculous bouncing car. Hank: Lowrider, huh? Scene: Hank’s Car Hank: Nah, nothing yet. Listen, do me a solid and check out a '89 Chevy Monte Carlo registered to a one Jesse Pinkman. Specifically? I want to know if the car's got LoJack. It's one of those jackoff lowriders. It's got a good sh*t that there is. If so, can you go ahead and get me a fix on it? Thanks, buddy. Scene: Tuco’s House Walter: Chili powder. Did I not already tell you how moronic that was? Jesse: Whatever, man. At least I tried something. It almost worked, too. How's about you leaving my g*n? First you boost it, then you leave it in your house. My g*n. Walter: How was I supposed to know you were chauffeuring Tuco to my doorstep? Jesse: Well, at least he wants you alive. Hey, I don't get it. If Tuco didn't k*ll Gonzo, then who did? Walter: I don't know. I don't know. Does it really matter? If he finds out that Gonzo is d*ad and not a police informant, who does he automatically blame? Us. We need a plan. Think, think. Jesse: Let's just bum-rush him, man. You know, you crack him over the head with something, and I'll go for his g*n. Walter: "Crack him over the head with something?’” Jesse: And you got the C-b*mb, man. You're as good as checked out already. You should be, like, all sacrificial, jumping on a grenade, yo. Walter: Oh, so my life is not the priority here, because I'm going to be d*ad soon anyway. That's your point? We gotta get him to take this. Jesse: He don't much like the taste of chili P. That much has been established. So unless you can convince him to booty bump... Tuco: Eat. We've got a long ride ahead of us. Go and sit. You're looking a little weak, Heisenberg. I don't want you to go belly up before we get there. Take it easy, tio. I will feed you. I eat first. That's the deal. What? I get it, I get it, I get it. You greedy old bastard. I tell you, Heisenberg. Old people. You feed them, huh? You put them in a really nice crib in the country, and yet they gotta steal the food off your plate. You better eat every bite of that. What did you do that for? God! Scene: Later at Tuco’s Tuco: Look. Lookit. There's nothing left. What? What do you want? Don't even tell me that you're hungry. Don't go there. Are you mad-dogging them, tio? What, you don't like them? One ding. That means "yes." Tio don't like you. Why don't you like them, tio? You don't trust them? Why don't you trust them, tio? Walter: Tuco, come on. I mean, he's, there's clearly some dementia. He's not lucid. Tuco: Did they do something to you, tio? Something that you don't like? What did they do to you? What did you do to my tio? Walter: Nothing. Tuco: Bullshit! My tio does not lie! Walter: I don't know. I swear. I don't know. Maybe, I did change the channel on his TV, but that's it. Jesse: Yeah, that’s it, while you were cooking, he was watching one of those those "telenovels" with all those ripe honeys on it? He was really into it. I told you not to change the channel, man! Dude needs his eye candy. That's it. Tuco: Is that it, tio? Is that it, tio? Did they change your mamitas? What are you telling me, tio? Are they punking me? Jesse: No, man. Tuco: Come here! Shut up! Scene: Outside Jesse: Please, no! Please, no! No, God! I don't want to die! Tuco: Tell me what you did, Walter! Jesse: Jesus! I don't want to die! Tuco: Tell me what you did! Walter: We tried to poison you. We tried to poison you, because you're an insane, degenerate piece of filth, and you deserve to die. Jesse: Who's the bitch now? Walter: Let him bleed. The keys! Oh, my God. The cousins? Jesse: What the hell's going on? Hank: Jesse Pinkman. You're a hard man to find. Aw, shit. Easy. Walter: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Hank. Jesse: Who? Walter: Hank. Jesse: What? Walter: Oh, my God. Jesse: What? Walter: Oh, my God. Jesse: What are you doing?

{"type": "series", "show": "Breaking Bad", "episode": "2x02 - Grilled"}

foreverdreaming

Scene: Desert Jesse: It's a bold plan, Mr. White. You sure this is the way to go? Scene: Hospital Skyler: What does he remember? Doctor: Not a whole lot. He came in dehydrated and disoriented but once we gave him fluids he s*ab pretty quickly. Skyler: But, I mean he knows where he is? Doctor: Yes, absolutely. It's only the last day or so that seems to be missing. Go on in, he's probably awake. Walter: My God. I'm so sorry. Come here. Walter Jr: You know who I am, right? Walter: Yes, son. I know who you are. Come here, give your old man a hug. It's so good to see you. Skyler: How do you feel? Walter: Better. I feel like myself. Really, I mean, the last couple days are missing, but other than that, I feel fine. Skyler: My God, Walt. Walter: What a day this has been? Walter Jr: So, Uncle Hank. He was in a sh**t-out. Walter: A sh**t-out? Walter Jr: He k*lled some guy. Some big drug dealer. Uncle Hank wasted him. Walter: My God. Is he all right? Skyler: Absolutely fine. Walter: But where did this happen? How could he be... Skyler: Walt, everything's okay. We're all okay. Scene: Later at Hospital Skyler: And no idea what caused it? Dr. Delcavoli: But they're gonna run a whole series of tests, so. Skyler: But what could it be? Did they give you a worst-case scenario? Dr. Delcavoli: I really, there's no point in getting ahead of ourselves. Scene: Police Station Marie: Which supermarket? Is it, like, a big one? Like, a chain? Don't get me wrong. I think it's just great that he's back and he's feeling better. I just, I mean, naked? He was naked naked. In a supermarket. It wasn't Whole Foods, was it? In any case, I'm gonna get over there as soon as I can. Skyler: Don't worry about it right now, Marie. How's Hank? Marie: I ran over here and I got to see him all of 30 seconds before they yanked him away. You'd think today of all days, they'd let him go home on time. Skyler: But how is he? Really? Marie: He's indestructible, you know that. Hank: I identified myself and told the suspect to show his hands, turn and face me. At this point, I identified the suspect as Mr. Salamanca and observed what appeared to be a g*n wound in his midsection. Ramey: He was sh*t previous to your arrival? Hank: Yes, sir. Again I instructed him to show his hands. Mr. Salamanca lunged toward the vehicle and fired on me with what I ascertained to be an M16 as*ault r*fle. I returned f*re and sought cover as Mr. Salamanca proceeded to engage me. When he paused to reload I was able to take an effective sh*t. Ramey: Agent Schrader, what were you doing in a sh**ting fight on your own, with no backup? Hank: Mr. Salamanca's presence was not something I'd anticipated. I was tending to another matter. Ramey: What other matter? Hank: An unrelated family matter. Merkert: Searching for your brother-in-law as I understand. Ramey: Your brother-in-law? Hank: Yes, sir. He's since been found. He's fine. The whole thing was a misunderstanding. But at the time, he'd been missing for several hours and, since he's in poor health, the whole family was concerned. I was talking to his friends and acquaintances trying to get a fix on his whereabouts. The Monte Carlo at the scene belonged to a former student of his, Jesse Pinkman. I was tracking down Mr. Pinkman's car when I came across Mr. Salamanca. Merkert: And what about this Pinkman? What was his car doing at the crime scene? Have you run him down yet? Hank: Not yet, but we're working on it. Scene: Outside Jesse’s House Badger: Man, they're like Jehovah's witnesses. They don't give up. I don't get it. Why don't they just kick your door down? Jesse: They need probable cause. Badger: "Probable cause?" Yo, what'd you do? Rob a bank? Jesse: I told you, this is serious shit. I'm like an outlaw. Let's do this. Scene: Basement Badger: Holy christ! You're Willy Wonka! You are Willy Wonka, and I got the golden ticket! Put me on your magical boat, man! Sail me down your chocolatey river of meth! So, where you keep the pseudo? Jesse: It's a P2P cook. That barrel? Aqueous methylamine. With that, you don't need pseudo. Come on, help me out, man! Badger: No pseudo? Come to me, beautiful baby. I'm gonna be so good to you. Jesse: Just take this, here. Badger: But I can't just let you break this down. That'd be sacrilege! Jesse: I told you, that's why we're here. You saw the cops! All right? Badger: Sure. But couldn't we just cook one quick batch? For the road? Jesse: No, forget it, all right? This stuff has to go, like, now. Badger: You owe me! We're cool and all, but I ain't forgetting you just left me stranded. Jesse: God, Badger! Don't mess with me! Got it? Badger: I got it. Jesse: My God. Okay, that's all of it. Badger: This is a bad choice. Scene: Driveway Jesse: You sure about this guy? Badger: He's totally, totally cool. He's my cousin. Jesse: Yo, what'd we say, 500? Clovis: We didn't say, and it's 1,000. Jesse: $1,000? C'mon, where you towing it, man, Seattle? Clovis: It ain't the miles, it's the cargo. Jesse: Dude, all I got on me is $560. Badger: You know what? Clovis! He'll pay you the rest later. He's totally good for it! Jesse's a stand-up dude. Clovis: That right? You a "stand-up dude?" Jesse: Yeah, I am. I will get you the other $500. Clovis: $500 more. Your word's bond, right? Jesse: Right. Badger: I saved your skinny ass, yo. I totally vouched for you. Jesse: What are you doing now, exactly? Badger: I'm giving you, like, two hours and then I'm calling on a pay phone, not a cell phone. Jesse: You're not using your own name. Badger: I mean, obviously. Look, dude, I'll do, like, what you said, but why do you gotta go and do this? Jesse: They need probable cause. I'm giving it to them. Scene: Hospital Doctor: What's the last thing you remember? Walter: I was driving home. I think. Skyler: Do you remember coming home? You came in, and I asked why you were out of breath? You don't remember talking to me when I was in the bathtub? Walter: No, I'm sorry, I don't. Doctor: Nothing else? No fleeting images? Walter: I don't know. I was walking down some road or highway with a lot of headlights, and I remember feeling fear. Thank you. Dr. Delcavoli: There's definitely some good news here. The MRI shows no metastases. Skyler: Meaning the cancer hasn't spread to the brain? Dr. Delcavoli: Yeah, we're looking really good. Skyler: Thank God. So, what was it, then? Nurse: Well, there's no sign of stroke or seizure. And considering your condition, the blood panel looks good. Skyler: Then what are we talking about? What happened? Dr. Delcavoli: As of right now, we really can't say. Walter: Forgive me. Granted, this is not my field, but isn't it possible that this had something to do with all the prescriptions I've been taking? There's the antiemetic, the antitussive, the this, the that, not to mention the chemo itself. And being off all of them for the past few days, I have to say, I'm feeling much better. Skyler: And when we pick up these medications, the information sheets are as long as your arm. I mean, it's page after page of side effects and and warnings. Walter: Right, exactly. Could it be that simple? Dr. Delcavoli: We'll take another look at that, sure. Walt, I understand that you've been kind of stressed out lately. Walter: Stressed out? No, I don't think I'm... Skyler: Walt, please. "Stressed out" is putting it mildly. Walter: I guess I've had a lot on my mind lately, but as I've said, I'm feeling much better. Shouldn't we be talking about when I can get out of here? Dr. Delcavoli: That may still be a ways down the road. Walter: "A ways down the road?" Dr. Delcavoli: Actually, I think our next move is to schedule a psychiatric evaluation. Walter: Now, is that absolutely necessary? Dr. Delcavoli: Nobody likes being in the hospital. I get that. But until we know what caused this incident we can't be certain it won't recur. Scene: Motel Jesse: That your last h*t? Finish it quick. Agent: Get on your stomach now! Get over, roll. Do it now! Jesse: I'm going, I'm going. What's going on? What'd I do? Hank: Jesse Pinkman, I presume. Scene: Interrogation Room Jesse: What, man? Hank: Tell me again. Jesse: Again? What's there to tell, okay? Her and I were partying, that's it. Hank: Since Saturday night? Partying for three days straight. Just bumping uglies and smoking that crystal you got from your pal Tuco? Jesse: Taco? I don't know any Taco, and I damn sure didn't say anything about no crystal. Hank: Three days, you must have got hungry. Jesse: Yeah, I guess. Hank: You order take-out? Yeah, where from? You get yourself a little of that Moo goo gai pan from that chink place around the corner? Jesse: No, no, we didn't. We got stuff from the vending machine. You know, Funyuns. I had a Hot Pocket. Hank: Funyuns and Hot Pockets? And you didn't notice your car was gone? Jesse: No, not until you guys went and busted down the door. Now who's gonna pay for that? Management's gonna be on my ass for sure. Hank: Why didn't you answer your cell phone? Jesse: It was in my car. Hank: That right? Jesse: Yeah. Hank: We found your car, but your phone wasn't in it. Jesse: You found my car? You found my car? Awesome! DEA all the way! Hank: Since we're talking about missing property, did you leave anything else in the car? Jesse: Like what? Hank: Like what, like, like this? Jesse: That's not mine. Hank: That's not yours? Says it's not his, Gomie. Gee, I really thought this might be yours. Jesse: I wish. Steve: Unclaimed drug money. Nice. Hank: You know what we got here, Gomie, don't ya? That's a new interdiction van right there. Definitely some new softball jerseys, 'cause we need 'em. Good thing Tuco's already d*ad. I lost this kind of money, I'd wanna k*ll myself. So, who's your chief, li'l injun? Jesse: What? What does that even mean? Hank: It means I think your story's bullshit. I think you know who Tuco Salamanca was. I think your car was there 'cause you were there. Tuco had a b*llet in him when I got there, and I think you know something about that, too. Jesse: So, what are you saying? I sh*t someone? With, like, a g*n? Hank: You? No. Only sh**ting you do is into a kleenex. But I think you know the badass who did. Jesse: Look, I was partying with Wendy. Hank: Funyuns and boom-boom. I don't think so. Tell you what, we're gonna, go talk to that skinny, yeast factory of a girlfriend you got. And you know what? I got a feeling she's gonna, you know, roll on you. Don't go nowhere. Wendy: Where's my root beer? Come on! I gotta pee, and I got low blood sugar. I got medical issues. Hank: Medical issues? Like what kind of medical issues? You got penis withdrawal? You got "Schlongus interruptus?” Wendy, listen, talk to me, and you get a root beer and a tinkle. Now tell me the last three days. Wendy: I told you, we were shacked up since Saturday. Hank: Neither of you left the room? Not even for a little, little minute? Not even for a second? Wendy: For a second? I dunno, maybe. Hank: Maybe? Did Jesse leave the room? He did, didn't he? Wendy, you can do it. You can do it, Wendy. You know you wanna go back to giving windys, Wendy. Wendy: It's you. I know you. You're the one in the black truck. You wanted me to do that kid. Steve: What? Wendy: The kid with the crutches. The football player. Hank: How about we stay on topic? Wendy: Look, Jesse came over to the palace at eleven o'clock Saturday night. We were together the whole time, and he never left the room. And that's all I'm saying about that. Now, come on. Where's my root beer? Scene: Office Steve: You wanted her to bang a football player, you pervert? Hank: It's a long story, Gomie. Steve: I'm sure it is, and I wanna hear it, but first we gotta kick Pinkman loose. Hank: Not yet. I got one more sh*t at that little skid mark. Scene: Hospital Psychiatrist: And how are you sleeping? Walter: Fine. Most nights. Good. Psychiatrist: Have you noticed any recurring thoughts or images, things you can't get out of your head? How about feelings of guilt or persecution? Walter: No, look, Doctor. I don't mean to be rude, but where is this going, exactly? Psychiatrist: We're starting a process, Walt, an ongoing process. Do you prefer Walt or Walter? Walter: Ongoing for how long? Psychiatrist: I just met you, it's hard to say. We could be talking about days, weeks, months. Walter: Look, Doctor, I feel fine, really. Now, if this is truly necessary, can't I continue as an outpatient? Psychiatrist: A fugue state is a very serious event. What if you were to disassociate while driving? What if you were to get into a situation where you could be sh*t by the police? You understand, we can't allow you to leave until we're certain what happened was a non-recurring event. Saying you feel fine doesn't solve this. Walter: Would you tell me about patient confidentiality? Psychiatrist: It's very straightforward. Without your permission, I can't disclose anything you tell me to anyone. Walter: What about my family? Psychiatrist: Not your family, not to the police. Not to anyone. The only exception would be if you thr*at to k*ll someone. Then I'd be able to tell that person, but only that person. Walter: And you, as a medical practitioner, you abide by these strictures. Psychiatrist: Absolutely. Walter: All right. There was no fugue state. I remember everything. The truth is, I couldn't stand to spend another second in that house. I just had to get out. And so I left. I didn't think about it. I just did it. I walked for a long time, and when I couldn't walk anymore, I hitchhiked. I got as far as Gallup, and then it was just time to come home. Psychiatrist: So, being found naked in a supermarket, that was your way of giving credibility to a lie? Of avoiding questions about your disappearance? Why run away? What did you feel you had to run from? Walter: Doctor, my wife is seven months pregnant with a baby we didn't intend. My 15-year-old son has cerebral palsy. I am an extremely overqualified high school chemistry teacher. When I can work, I make $43,700 per year. I have watched all of my colleagues and friends surpass me in every way imaginable, and within 18 months, I will be d*ad. And you ask why I ran? Scene: Interrogation Room Hank: Gomie, you wanna do the honors? Steve: Buenas tardes, señor Salamanca. ¿Entiendes en inglés? Hank: What's that mean? Nurse: That means "yes." "Yes" is a bell, "no" is no bell. Jesse: Come on, this is bullshit! Look at this dude. He doesn't even know what planet he's living on. Steve: Señor, are we on the planet Mars? Are we on the planet Saturn? Are we on the planet Earth? Señor, is today Friday? Is today Monday? Is today Tuesday? Hank: Seems like he's all there. Let's go for it. Steve: Was this man at your house yesterday? Was this man at your house yesterday? Hank: This guy right here, he was at your house, right? Was he doing business with your nephew Tuco? Steve: Are you scared of this man? Hank: Nah, he's not scared. Come on, granddad. Don't you want to help us out? Steve: Oh, man. Hank: I guess that's a no. Steve: I told you, numbnuts. This guy's OG. Kept his mouth shut for 17 years in San Quentin. Stroke or no stroke, old school g*ngb*ng Mexicans don't help the Feds. Hank: All right already. It was worth a try at least. Steve: We gotta kick Pinkman loose. It's all right. He's nobody anyway. Hank: What, you telling me you buy that lame-ass story of his? Steve: I buy that lame-ass story more than I buy he had anything to do with sh**ting Tuco, man. Scene: Parking Lot Jesse: Dad? Hey, Dad. Can you hear me? I'm fine. I'm, uh, what's She did? No, I didn't get any messages. You know, actually I lost my phone, and I've been too busy to get a new one. I've been busy as sh... Totally productive. Hey, you know what? I'm actually zeroing in on a job. Data entry, like we talked about. I'm totally amped. Could you give me a ride? I'm actually, I'm downtown and my car's in the... No, that's cool. I will call you later when you have some...I get it. I get it. Thanks. So, what are you doing now? Wendy: Waffle House? Jesse: Waffle House is good. Scene: Hospital Walter: Pay phone? Jesse: Pay phone, in the middle of nowhere, nobody followed. How'd it go? Walter: Okay. You? Jesse: They sweated me plenty, but they finally cut me loose. So you getting out of there? Walter: Tomorrow. So, who came for you? The DEA? What did they ask you? Jesse: That's the thing, you know. Your scumbag brother-in-law took my rainy day fund. Walter: Your what? What is that? Jesse: My rainy day fund, $68,000, okay? Cueball son of a bitch laughed in my face. Now I got like $80 to my name. Walter: Wait, wait. What does he know? Does he know it's your money? Jesse: No, man, he doesn't know shit, okay? The plan worked. They bought it. I got bills due, man. I'm screwed. Walter: Did he mention my name? Jesse: No, thanks for caring. Walter: What about the basement? Jesse: It's clean. Walter: And the RV? Jesse: Badger's cousin took it to his garage. It's safe. Walter: Can he get it running again? Jesse: Why? Walter: So we can cook. Jesse: So you still wanna cook? Seriously? Walter: What's changed, Jesse? Walter: 737,000. 21 pounds, minus cash on hand...cash on hand. Scene: White Residence Skyler: Sorry, honey. Did I wake you? Walter Jr: No, I was awake. Skyler: Want some cornflakes? Walter Jr: Sure. Skyler: You okay? Scene: Police Station Steve: Southwest Aniline? Again? What's this? Hank: It's the blue meth we found up by your late homie. Steve: Tuco wasn't my homie, anymore than Charlie Manson was yours. Hank: Lab says it got cooked, P2P-style. Steve: P2P, huh? So what are you thinking? The two stooges over here cooked it? Hank: Lab said that blue meth's the purest they've seen. At least since this. Steve: Krazy-8. Hank: Yeah. Krazy-8, Tuco...Somehow, some way, it's all connected. A simple explanation, only I'm not seeing it. And it's making my head hurt. Steve: That's 'cause you're working that ugly melon too hard. It's d*ad around here. Let's go get a couple of beers. Hank: It's 11 in the morning. Steve: I'm buying. Hank: You're buying? Holy crap. What, is it Cinco de Mayo already? Everyone: Surprise! Hank: You sneaky bastard, you! Merkert: Very nice work. Hank: Thank you, sir. What's this? Look at that, I love it! Steve: They got the gut right. Hank: Thanks, man. Thank you. Steve: We all got you a little something. This is from all of us. Hank: You shouldn't have. You sick, sick puppies. I love it! Scene: Hospital Walter Jr: You going to finish your apple juice? Walter: No thanks, buddy. You take it. Walter Jr: You're supposed to drink it. The nurse said you have to stay hydrated. Walter: But I'm not thirsty. Walter Jr: Dad. Drink it. Hank: Better late than never, huh? How you doing, buddy? You all right? I see the Mark of the Beast there, huh? Walter: Marie stopped by this morning. They really cheer the place up. Hank: I ran into Sky downstairs. They're rounding up a wheelchair for you, you free-loading bastard! Walter Jr: So tell us about the sh**t-out. Hank: You know, just doing my job. Whole thing was over in about five seconds. Say, Walt, you know, how are you? Walter: I'm okay. Really, I'm feeling fine. The doctor is calling it an "isolated episode of transient global amnesia." Hank: Damn. Walter: Which means non-recurring. Hank: Non-recurring. That sounds good. Sounds real good. I'll tell you what, I'm glad you're back. You really gave us a scare. Walter: Listen, Hank. I don't know what to say. You going out there looking for me put you in danger, and I'm so sorry, sorry doesn't even cut it. Not nearly. Hank: Is that what you're worried about? Forget it. At the office, they're treating me like I'm Elliot Ness, okay? They threw me a party, the gals baked me a chocolate-chip cake like you wouldn't believe, okay? You ought to disappear more often. Just kidding. Don't do that. Hey, look. Look what they gave me. Walter Jr: What is it? Hank: That, gentlemen, is the grill of the guy I sh*t. Walter Jr: His grill? Hank: Yeah, it kind of goes over the front teeth like that, you know? Sort of a fashion statement, I guess. Certain folks are attracted to shiny things. Walter Jr: Wow, cool. Scene: Walter and Skyler’s Bedroom Walter: I can't tell you how good it feels to be home. Skyler: I'll get these in the wash. Walter: Say, honey, I was just thinking about going out to 7-11. Do you need anything? Big Gulp? Slim Jim? Skyler, listen to me. This will not happen again, okay? I won't let it. I'm still here. I'm me. And we're gonna be okay. Skyler: Do you have a second cell phone? Walter: A second cell phone? Skyler: The night you disappeared, you came in when I was taking a bath, and you were very upset. It was like something terrible had happened. And then your cell phone rang. I saw you check the number, and then you got up and just disappeared. And when Hank checked your phone records, there was no call. No call on the phone I know about. Walter: That is odd. I don't remember any of that. But one thing I am sure of is that I don't have a second cell phone.

{"type": "series", "show": "Breaking Bad", "episode": "2x03 - Bit by a d*ad Bee"}

foreverdreaming

Scene: Convenience Store Homeless Man: Captain America. What's up, brother? Jesse: Hey, bro. Jesse: This is stupid. Walter: You got a better idea? Jesse: Okay, fine. Whatever. So when do we, you know? Walter: We don't, for now. No cooking until things settle down. Jesse: Settle down? I thought you're the one that said nothing's changed. Walter: Look, I just put my family through an ordeal that they're just now starting to accept, okay? I can't...ah, that's too expensive. Look, I can't leave my house for more than 20 minutes without my wife worrying. I need time to mend fences. Jesse: So while you're fixing fences, what about me, huh? Your A-hole brother-in-law took all my money. Walter: That's $600. Jesse: What about the rest? Walter: Rest of what? Jesse: Half your money's mine. You know, 50/50 partners. That's your business motto. Walter: Meaning what, exactly? That I suffer for your carelessness? Jesse: You're the one who wanted to work with Tuco. If it weren't for that, none of this would've happened. Walter: Just be cool. We'll talk about this later, okay? As for now, no contact. Understood? Where are you going? I leave first. Scene: White Residence Skyler: Walt? Walter: In the kitchen. Walter Jr: I didn't know you were allowed to touch the stove. Walter: Hilarious, Groucho. Go on, grab a seat. Juice is on the table. Good morning, honey. Walter Jr: Hey, Mom. Dad's cooking breakfast. Walter: But don't worry. I'm also doing all the dishes. Nice? Follow me. There's also orange juice and grapefruit juice, which, personally, as you know, I've never been a fan of. But considering all the polyphenols and the albuminoids, can't hurt. Skyler: You didn't have to do this. Walter: I wanted to. Grapefruit juice? Walter Jr: Yes, please. Thanks. Walter: There you go. Honey? Skyler: I'll stick with orange, thank you. Walter: All right. Dig in, dig in. Pancakes are not getting hotter. Walter: All right. Got one. Steely Dan. Walter Jr: No. Walter: Yes, absolutely. No, in terms of pure musicianship, I would put them up against any current band you could name. Walter Jr: You wouldn't know any current bands. Walter: That's besides the point. Skyler: Have a good day, honey. Walter Jr: You too. Walter: Boz Scaggs. There's another one. Walter Jr: Whoever they are. Thanks for breakfast. Walter: You're welcome. Tell Louis to drive carefully, will you? Walter Jr: All right. Walter: Our son doesn't know who Boz Scaggs is. We have failed as parents. Skyler: Come to think of it, I barely know who Boz Scaggs is. Walter: Stop it. Skyler: Give me your plate. Walter: I'll get it. I'll get it. Hey, listen, in the calendar section, all week long, there's a fiction writer's seminar at UNM. And, you know, probably talking about how to get published and that sort of thing. You know, so, anyway, I thought maybe you might I mean, I'll go with you if you like. And I was thinking about what you asked me the other night. You know, you were wondering if I had a second cell phone. And, well, I've been thinking about that a lot, and I think what you heard was my cell phone alarm going off. I've been using it a lot as a medication reminder to well, remind me to take my medication. And the weird thing is that the alarm sound is almost exactly the same as the regular phone ring, which is really a poor design, if you ask me. But I think that was probably it. I tried to go in and change it to a different sound, other than the phone ring, but they over complicate these things. Anyway, it was probably just as well that I lost it. There's got to be a new one on the market by now. You know, if we do this thing at UNM, maybe on the way home, we can stop by, and I can get a new cell phone. Skyler? Scene: Law Firm Lawyer: Ready? Jesse: Yo, for what might help. Not another intervention. Lawyer: Jesse Bruce Pinkman, pursuant to Section 47-8-13 of the New Mexico Real Property Code, you are hereby given notice to vacate the premises listed as 9809 Margo, Albuquerque, 87104. Jesse: Wait. What? You're kicking me out of my own house? Mr. Pinkman: It's your aunt Ginny's house. Jesse: She gave it to me. Mr. Pinkman: She never gave it to you, Jesse. Lawyer: You were allowed residentiary privileges. Your parents have always been the property owners. Jesse: Look, we talked about this, okay? I'd sell the house, we'd split it 50/50. That was the deal. What the hell happened? Mr. Pinkman: What happened is you're a speed manufacturer. Jesse: No, I'm not. What? Mrs. Pinkman: A DEA agent came looking for you, Jesse. He came to our front door. Jesse: Because I've actually been helping them, which I could get into a lot of trouble for telling you, so you're welcome. Mrs. Pinkman: I saw your basement. I was worried, so I went over there and I let myself in, and I found your laboratory. Jesse: You guys have your own key? Lawyer: Manufacture of a Schedule II controlled substance is a second-degree felony. Under federal asset seizure, the government can take the entire house. Jesse: It's not even there anymore. I cleaned it all out. Mr. Pinkman: Son, we can't stop you from ruining your life, but you will not drag us down with you. Lawyer: Vacate the house in 72 hours. Otherwise, your parents have authorized me to contact the authorities. Is that clear? Do you have any questions for us? Three days, Mr. Pinkman. Mr. Pinkman: Come on. Scene: White Residence Walter: I fixed the garage door. Skyler: Great. Walter: One track was bent. That's why it was bouncing. Where were you today? Skyler: Out. Walter: Is everything okay? Skyler: Everything's fine. Walter: For what it's worth, I was thinking about going back to those meetings, the cancer support group. Skyler: I think that's good. Walter: Yeah, that's good. You were right on the money about that. It's good to, you know, talk about things. Skyler: I think that's great. Scene: Jesse’s House Mrs. Pinkman: Jesse. Jesse. Hey, Jesse. You don't answer your phone? Jesse: No, I've just been pretty busy. How'd you...oh, right, you have that key. Hey, listen. So I've been thinking a lot about our conversation we had the other day, and I completely get why Dad totally tweaked off on me like that and... Mrs. Pinkman: It's not just your father, Jesse. Jesse: I know. I know. I'm just saying it's a really, really big wake-up call for me, which is why I wanted to talk to you. I've been thinking real seriously about business school, actually, and you can do the whole thing from your computer now, and no, Mom, Mom. Hey, this is good. You know, we're talking, starting a dialogue. Mrs. Pinkman: The time for talking has passed, Jesse. Jesse: Hey! Hey! What the hell, yo? I thought it was just a wake-up call. Mrs. Pinkman: We are putting it in storage. When you decide to grow up, you can have it back. Jesse: Why don't you grow up, Mom? Ginny wanted me here. I was the one who took care of her. I took her to her appointments and made her lunch every day. I earned this! Mrs. Pinkman: You did not make her lunch every day. Jesse: What did you do, huh? She's lying there dying, and where the hell are you? Mrs. Pinkman: Don't start with me. Jesse: Now what, you've decided to, I don't know, make your eldest son homeless? Wow! Great family, Mom! Mrs. Pinkman: Why are you like this? Why? You have two sets of keys and the padlock to the garage. Leave them on the kitchen counter when you leave. Jesse: No, Mom! Mom! Where am I supposed to go? Mrs. Pinkman: I don't know, sweetheart. But please turn your life around. Jesse: Yeah, this is gonna help big time with that! Bitch! Scene: White Residence Louis: Oh, hey, Mr. White. Walter: That's the way. Don't just sit out there honking. Come in and say hello. We've got omelets. You want an omelet? Louis: No, I'm good. Walter: New Mexican Christmas style, red and green chilies. Louis: No. Thank you, though. Flynn and me gotta get going. Walter: Who's Flynn? Louis: Flynn. He's your... Walter: Flynn? Walter Jr: Yeah, so? Walter: So? Nothing. Walter Jr: You ready? Walter: Like it. Louis: Bye, Mr. White. Walter: Flynn? You know about this Flynn thing? As in what, Errol? Skyler: I don't know. It's what he likes to be called these days. Walter: What's wrong with Walter Jr? Skyler: Don't take it personally. He wants his own identity. Walter: You think he told Louis about me? About the blackout? Skyler: Louis is his friend, Walt, and your disappearance upset him. Walter: I made omelets. Skyler: I'm going out, but thanks, though. Walter: Where are you going? Skyler: Can you get the phone, please? Walter: Yeah. Absolutely. White residence. Jesse: Yo, it's me. Is this a good time? Walter: What part of "no contact" didn't you understand? Jesse: I know but there's a problem. Walter: I don't care. We agreed. No amount of pay-per-view channels is gonna make any difference. Honey, we're happy with our cable provider, right? We're happy. Skyler, where are you going? Can you at least tell me that? Skyler: Out. Should probably get that, Walt. I'll be back in a few hours. Walter: What? Jesse: Yo, I get I shouldn't call, but I'm in a situation over here, and I need my money. Walter: I just gave you $600. Jesse: Yeah, and thanks, Daddy Warbucks, but that was before my housing situation went completely testicular on me, okay? Walter: You smoked the entire 600, didn't you. Jesse: What? No! Walter: Jesse. Jesse: No! Walter: Look, Jesse, your problems are just that. Your problems. No contact. Do not call here ever. When the moment is right, I will call. Jesse: Mr. White, you're not listening! They're kicking me out of my house! Walter: You son of a bitch. Scene: Jesse’s House Jesse: Ow, son of a bitch! Thank you. Thank you so much. Thanks, man! Hey, guy! You forgot something! You forgot your ice trays! You're gonna need the ice trays! Forgot something here! Take this! Scene: Paul’s House Jesse: (singing) Black is the color but beauty is the game. The beasties come to get me but I don’t feel the pain. Fallacies, fallacies, fallacies, fallacies, fallacies, fallacies, fallacies, fallacies! Paul: Hold on, buddy. Jesse: Yo, we should get TwaughtHammer up and running again, yo. I'm serious. Paul: I know. That sounded tight. Jesse: Hey, thanks again, P. I made sure this stock knock exterminator put me on his speed dial. Two nights tops. Paul: You still staying at your aunt's on Morgo? Jesse: Yeah. I'm thinking of moving. Nob Hill, probably. Paul: Jesse-matic, living the dream. Okay, buddy, listen. You're gonna eat your carrots? Ben: Too hot. Paul: No, buddy. Remember? Come on. Yes. Listen, hey, talk to me, man. Are you still having mad relations out there? You can talk to me. I won't hate a player. Jesse: I can't lie. It's pretty hectic out there female-wise. Paul: Damn. I'm hating, man. Jesse: See, that's why we need to get the Hammer up and running, you know? Get you out of the house. Paul: How awesome would that be? Come on. Look. What? I cut all the green parts off like you. Just eat them. Please? Jesse: We should do this, you know? Track down Chivo and Anthony and demo up. Get back in the scene. Paul: I'm sorry, man. Just hold on one second, all right? Okay, listen. How about you take a bite of your sandwich, and then you take...Mommy's home! Hi. Wife: Hello. Paul: Hey, honey, you remember Jesse Pinkman? His house is getting bug b*mb, and I said he could crash a few nights. Wife: Hey, Jesse. Jesse: Hey. Wife: Paul, could you help me in the bedroom with these? Paul: Sure. Jesse: Yeah, I used to not like carrots, too. Wife: Hey, Ben, I think it's someone's nap time. Come on. Paul: Man, dude, you're gonna k*ll me. I totally spaced that the in-laws are crashing this weekend. You got other people to call? Jesse: No, that's cool. I got tons of people. Yo, in-laws? Sucks to be you, P. Paul: Yeah, I know, huh? Dude, here. See you, man. It's good to see you. Scene: Payphone Jesse: Look, I'm asking to crash three, maybe four nights. I already called Badger, all right? I called everyone. I need a solid here, bro. Yeah, whatever. All right. All right. How about this? What if it's just for tonight? Wait. No, you cannot be serious. You cannot be serious! Homeless Man: Someone took your bike, man. Not cool. Scene: White Residence Walter Jr: Morning. Walter: Morning. Walter Jr: Where did Mom go? Walter: Out. Walter Jr: Where's breakfast? Walter: Let's go do something. Walter Jr: Like what? Walter: Something fun. Scene: Empty Parking Lot Walter: All right, ready? Let's put it in gear. Is your foot on the...okay. Good. Walter Jr: Yeah. I got it. Walter: Good. Yes. Nice and smooth. Good. Just like that. Good. I like the hands at 10 and 2. Very nice. Okay, let's slow down here to a stop in preparation for a left-hand turn. All right. You might want to go easier on the brake. Walter Jr: Sorry about that. Walter: That's all right. You're doing fine. Much better than last time, huh? Walter Jr: Louis has been helping me. Walter: Has he? Good. Good. Okay. Don't forget the turn indicator. Good. I'll stop talking. You know what you're doing. And let's make that left-hand turn. Nice and smooth. Very nice. Right hand. Good. Good. Okay. Are you using both feet? Walter Jr: Yeah. Walter: No. Wait. Wait. No, Walt. You can't do that. You can't use one foot on each pedal. Walter Jr: Why not? Walter: Because you can't. Stop, Walt. Okay? All right. Walter Jr: Dad, this is way easier. Walter: Come on, there's the easy way, and then there's the right way, right? So let's just try it again, right foot only. All right. Okay? Okay, just you don't have to, okay. All right. That's fine. Just that's okay. Just try it again. Here we go. Let's just try it again. Go just a little easier. Good. Great. That was better. See? Right? Better? Right. The gas, the brake, the gas, the brake. Walter Jr: I can't do this. My legs don't work that way. Walter: Your legs are fine. You just have to stick with it. Don't set limits for yourself, Walt. You're all right. We'll get this. I promise. Now let's just try again. All right? All right. Here we go. Well, you don't need to just take off, but all right, here we go. Slow it down just a little bit. All right, we have a turn coming up here, so prepare to apply the brakes. Prepare, Walt, for the brakes. The brakes, the brakes. Walter Jr: I'm braking! Walter: You're using both feet again. Walter Jr: It's not stopping. Walter: That's the gas. Use the brakes. Brake. That's one way to stop. Walter Jr: I told you. Walter: Flynn. Scene: RV Clovis: Hands up, assh*le! So help me, I will spread you. Jesse: No, please, no, all right? It's me, okay? It's Jesse. All right? Look, this is my RV. You towed it. Your cousin Badger, remember? Clovis: What the hell you doing here? You smell like shit. Jesse: It's a long story. Clovis: So I fixed up your felonious rolling laboratory here. $750 for the repair. Make it a grand, counting the toilet, plus the $500 you already owe me, and you're good to drive on out of here to someplace far away, upwind. Jesse: Here's the thing. I can't pay you today. But I can pay you this week, all right? $1,750? We'll make it $1,750 for, like interest. Clovis: I thought your word was your bond. Jesse: It totally is. Definitely. I just don't have the money at this particular moment. But I will, soon. Clovis: Here's my counter-offer. I kick you out. I take payment from your inventory. I know a guy that'll pay a premium for this kind of crap. Jesse: All right. 2 grand. Two days, 2 grand. That's totally fair. Just don't take my cook stuff. All right? That's all I got left. Please, all right? I really God, I really need a break here. Scene: Outside Gate Jesse: Clovis, come on. Clovis: I don't know. There's a bunch of stuff in there. There's something called methylamine. Me Meth However the hell you pronounce it. Methylamine. I don't know. I banged on it. It sounds pretty full to me. Holy shit. How much? Scene: White Residence Walter: Skyler. Louis took Walt to school. I was thinking maybe this would be a good time to talk. I dreamt that I owned an antique bicycle repair shop. In Ireland. Weird. Skyler: Sounds weird. Walter: I wanted to apologize for everything. My desire for privacy. My emotional unavailability. Having cancer doesn't excuse all that. I haven't been a good partner to you, and for that I'm very sorry. I love you. And I love this family. And I just want to make sure that we don't lose contact. Skyler: Thank you. I agree. Is that it? Walter: God. God, how long are you going to do this? Skyler: Do what? Walter: This. Not talking to me. Going out all day and refusing to tell me where. You are obviously angry with me about something, so let's talk about it. God. I feel like you're upset with me because you think that I'm up to something. Skyler: Like what? Walter: I have no idea, Skyler. What, that I'm having an affair? Is that it? Is that what you think? Is that why you asked me about some other phone? Because you think that I'm being unfaithful? Skyler: I don't know. Walter: So ask me. Skyler: Why? Would you even tell me? Walter: Yes. I would. Of course I would. And no. I'm not. I'm not having an affair, okay? Now, what do I do to prove that to you? Swear an oath? My right hand to God. I'm not having an affair. Skyler: I heard you, Walt. You're not having an affair. Congratulations. Walter: No, you know what? Congratulations to you, Skyler. Great job. What is this? What do I have to do? I'm trying to talk to you, and you... Skyler: Okay, so talk, Walt! Shut up and say something that isn't complete bullshit. You want to know what you have to do? You have to tell me what's really going on right now. Today. No more excuses. No more apologies. No more of these obvious, desperate breakfasts. You don't want to lose contact with me, Walt? Good. Then tell me. Now. Walter: Tell you what? What is it you want me to tell you? I don't know. We're not done here. Do you know what I've done for this family? Scene: RV Jesse: Yo, I'm really sorry, okay? Walter: What is wrong with you? Why are you blue? Jesus. Jesse: I'm sorry. Let's just say it starts with my parents being greedy kleptomaniac douche bags. Walter: Are you actually this stupid? Jesse: No, look. I know this isn't optimal... Walter: To come to my house and park on my street, driving this vehicle. What the hell is wrong with you? I'm really asking. Jesse: Nothing. I'm sorry. I just... Walter: What if Skyler had seen you? What then? What was the plan then, genius? Jesse: I don't know. Walter: You know why you don't know? Because you don't think. That's why. You don't think. You never figured out how to think. Jesse: I said I was sorry. I just need my half of the money, and I will go. Walter: Your half? There is no “your half” of the money! There is only my all of it! Do you understand? Why should I be penalized because of your sloppiness? Jesse: Look, that is completely uncool, all right? We agreed, 50/50 partners. Walter: Partners in what? What exactly do you do here? I've been meaning to ask because I'm the producer, right? I cook. But from what I can tell, you are just a drug addict. You are a pathetic junkie, too stupid to understand and follow simple rudimentary instructions. Too stupid to... Scene: White Residence Walter: Try not to touch anything. Want some breakfast?

{"type": "series", "show": "Breaking Bad", "episode": "2x04 - Down"}

foreverdreaming

Scene: Doctor’s Office Dr. Delcavoli: Well, we've come a long way, Walt. Here at the end of round one, I'm going to recommend cautious optimism. We'll check back in two months, see how you've responded, reassess, and decide our next move, if any. That's right around the time the baby's due, correct? Walter: Yeah. Dr. Delcavoli: Well, try to think of this as good timing. You'll start feeling better soon, more like yourself, and your hair should start to come back. Walter: I kind of gotten used to the old cue ball look. Dr. Delcavoli: I prefer to think of it as streamlined. Walter: Right. Aerodynamic. Dr. Delcavoli: No more confusion? Walter: Absolutely none. Dr. Delcavoli: How are you two holding up? Walter: Fine. I mean, you know, we're busy, but we're good. Absolutely. It's all good. Scene: Bank Teller: So, we're not going through an insurer. Is that correct? Walter: Yes. Direct bill. Teller: Just need to print it out for you. Walter: Thank you. I thought we had discussed a cash discount. Teller: Absolutely. It's included. Just a reminder, we do have a payment plan available, should you be interested. Walter: Oh, yeah. Okay. Teller: Congratulations. Walter: Thank you. Scene: White Residence Skyler: Then, what about the MRI? Can you please explain to me the distinction between diagnostic and exploratory? Yeah, but either way, his doctor ordered it. It should be covered. You bet I will. Yeah, in triplicate. Well, I'm sorry you couldn't be of more help, too. Bitch. Walter: Been around someone who smokes? Skyler: No. The hospital bill came. Walter: That was fast. Skyler: Three-day stay: $13,000 and counting. Is this something that Gretchen and Elliott might cover? I know it's strictly your domain, but... Walter: They will. I'm sure they will. I'll handle it. Scene: Police Station Merkert: Bring me up to speed on Salamanca. Hank: d*ad. Merkert: Still? Hank: Completely. Merkert: Okay, then. Well, thanks for stopping by. Hank: Okay. So things are quiet. Not a lot of crystal on the streets right now. Merkert: Good. Hank: Of course that’s not going to last. Waiting to see who rallies the roaches now that his turf's up for grabs. Merkert: No takers so far? Hank: We keep hearing a name. Heisenberg. Lately, pretty much every dime-bagger we come across. Merkert: Heisenberg? Hank: Yeah, I know. Maybe it's a tweaker urban legend. Still, somebody somewhere is cooking that big blue we keep finding. Anyway, we'll stay on it. Merkert: Know why sharks are at the top of the food chain, Hank? Hank: 'Cause they have three sets of teeth and will take a bite out of anything? Merkert: Some of those suckers travel thousands of miles in pursuit of their prey. Hank: Yeah, I think I heard that. Merkert: You, my friend, are a great white. How does Albuquerque Liaison, Tri-state Border Interdiction Task Force sound? Hank: Like one hell of a promotion. Merkert: As of the 1st, I want you to split your time between here and El Paso. Hank: Thank you, sir. Thank you. Hank: What you gonna do without me, Gomie? Steve: Celebrate. I won't have to look at your ugly mug six days a week. Hank: Hey, buddy, I am the brains and the brawn. I'm the whole package. Steve: I'm glad I didn't just eat. Agent: I'm surprised his head still fits through the door. Hank: Hey, wanna grab lunch? Steve: Hell, yeah. 'Cause you're buying. Hank: Done. I'll meet you morons downstairs. Try not to get lost on the way. Schrader. Yeah, hey Ricky. How you doing? Yeah, I'm stoked, too. Yeah, El Paso. Agent: Here's the man. Agent: Hey, congratulations, Hank. Hank: Thanks. Scene: Clovis’s Garage Jesse: Hey. Clovis: You got some nerve coming back here. Or you're even dumber than I thought. Jesse: Yeah, well, maybe both. Balance for the tow, the repairs, and extra for, you know, damages and stuff to the gate, the toilet. Look, like I said, my word is my bond. What would you charge me to store this here? Clovis: A million-five. Jesse: Come on, yo. Clovis: Your sister. Jesse: Dawg, I'm serious, all right? I got storage needs. And I got scratch up front. We could, you know, negotiate. Clovis: 500. Jesse: A month? Clovis: A week. Jesse: For real? Clovis: See ya. Jesse: Wait. Just hold on. Just chill. Sounds good. Totally doable. Clovis: Outside. Jesse: Inside. Clovis: Forget it. Jesse: Man, come on. Your fence is too easy to climb. Inside, padlocked, plus gate privileges. Clovis: Come again? Jesse: Gate, in and out, privileges. Clovis: Month to month. Cash up front. Inside. And I don't know you. I don't know jack. Jesse: Yeah. You selling? Clovis: I'll let you take it for nine Gs. Jesse: What about that one? Clovis: Serious? Scene: Apartment Jesse: It's Jane, right? Well, Jane, I gotta say, this place is awesome. Jane: Really? Does it inspire awe? Jesse: No. I mean, it's great. Just what I've been looking for. That's what I meant. I had an entire house before, detached and all, but I was just tired of all the lawn care and upkeep and whatnot. Jane: Well, the blinds are new. Everything's been painted. Jesse: Jesus. Jane: Utilities are included. Jesse: Stacking. Sweet. You got cable? Jane: Already wired. Just call to activate. High speed, whatever. Jesse: Bathroom, cool tile. Bedroom. Nice. I'm a fan of the hardwood. Jane: So? You're interested? Jesse: Definitely. Jane: And you're good with NPNS? Jesse: Sorry. What? Jane: In the ad? No smoking, no pets. You want to smoke, you do it outside. Jesse: It's cool. No worries. Jane: The usual drill. I'll need a W-2 or a recent pay stub, current employer, former address, you know, the yadda-yadda. And if it's all copasetic, I'll call. Jesse: Look, the thing is I... Jane: Unbelievable. Jesse: I'm currently in-between situations. Jane: And I'm currently not renting. Jesse: I got the money and I'm totally good for it for, like, ever. Come on, yo, can you please, please just help a brother out? Jane: Yo, my dad's not really a "make exceptions" kind of guy. Trust me. Jesse: Your dad? Jane: Owns the place. I manage it. Pen on paper, that's what I need. Or go run your game somewhere else. Jesse: Dude, I got nowhere else to go. This is it. And I got no game, all right? I just need a chance. Look, my folks, they kicked me out. I'm a disappointment, apparently. Didn't meet their expectations, again. So, you know, now I'm persona non gratis or whatever. But you know what? I'm a good person and I work hard. I will pay you every month and I will pay you on time. I will not mess this up, okay? I swear. Jane: Rent just went up. A hundred more a month. That's the cash price. Jesse: You rock. You won't regret this. Jane: And, in addition to the first and last, I want two more months. DBAA fee, nonrefundable. Jesse: Of course. No problem. DBAA. Obviously. What's DBAA? Jane: "Don't be an assh*le." Jesse: Gotcha. Jane: I live next door. Jesse: Really? Jane: And don't think for one second you have squatters' rights, because you don't. If you blow this, I want you gone. I know guys that'll have your skinny ass out back by the dumpster faster than you can blink. I'll fill it in. Just sign your name. Which is what, by the way? Jesse: It's Jesse. Jesse Jackson. Jane: Seriously? Jesse: What? Scene: Hank and Marie’s House Marie: What are you doing? Hank: Beatin' off. What's it look like? Marie: That is, in fact, exactly what it looks like to me. Hank: Brewing is an art form, Marie. I think you'd appreciate that by now. Christmas, the batch of '06? Come on. Marie: So, let me get this straight. You call in sick the day after receiving a long-awaited, career boosting promotion so you can play Oktoberfest in your man cave? I don't get it. Really, I don't. Hank: Babe, relax. Marie: Please, don't tell me to relax. You know I hate that. Hank: Right. Marie: Dave said I should express that. Hank: All I'm saying is everything's fine. I can take a day. No big deal. Now, get that sweet ass out of here so I can concentrate. Scene: RV Jesse: Okay, so what's the plan? Walter: The plan is we cook. Jesse: Why are we cooking when we can't even move what we cook? Walter: Well, how much do you think you can sell on your own? Say if I cooked during the days and you worked the nights. Jesse: Dude. Walter: What? Prior to Tuco, that was your plan, wasn't it? I understand it'll be a fraction of what we brought in before, but still, what choice do we have? Jesse: First of all, there's no "we." You're talking me, solo, busting hump slinging shards. I got profile now. Don't you get that? The DEA 's up my ass. I'm not exposing myself to that level of risk for chump change. No way. Walter: Then what do you suggest? I don't think either of us are eager to jump into bed with another Tuco. Jesse: I got bills, man. Walter: You've got bills? Jesse: Rent, yo. Responsibilities. I've already lost more than I have made, and I am tired of dicking around out here. Walter: You want to know how much I've got left? After completing my first round of treatment and financing the world's most expensive alibi? Zero! Zip! Nothing! I've got nothing to show for all of this. Nothing for my family, which, as you might remember, was the damn point! But seeing as throwing in the towel is not an option, that leaves us with a total of two choices. We go into business with yet another homicidal lunatic or you and I start. You selling whatever you can. Jesse: There's a third way. Walter: And what would that be? Jesse: We got to be Tuco. Cut out the middleman. Run our own game. Walter: So you're going to, what? Snort meth off a bowie Kn*fe? You gonna b*at your homies to death when they diss you? Jesse: Look, I know some guys. All right? I can create a network. We control production and distribution. That way, we stay off the front lines while moving some serious glass. The point here is to make money, right? Sky-high stacks. That's not the point? Walter: No, I am not willing to do that. Jesse: Who said anything about you? Walter: I don't vote for this plan. I'm not comfortable bringing in unknown entries into our operation. Jesse: You don't get to vote. Walter: I beg your pardon? This is a partnership, remember? Jesse: I remember. You cook, I sell. That was the division of labor when we started all this. And that's exactly how we should have kept it. 'Cause I sure as hell didn't find myself locked in a trunk or on my knees with a g*n to my head before your greedy old ass came along, all right? Walter: All right, I will admit to a bit of a learning curve. And perhaps I was overly ambitious. But in any case, it's not gonna happen that way anymore. Jesse: Damn straight. Know why? 'Cause we do things my way this time, or I walk. You need me more than I need you, Walt. Scene: Jesse’s Apartment Jesse: Enter my casa. Yo, Skinny Pete. Skinny Pete: What's up, brother? Jesse: Eh, Combo. Good to see you. Welcome to my humble abode. Combo: Good deal, mover. Good deal. Jesse: Yo. Badge, hey. Badger: Cool crib, man. It echoes. Jesse: Let me give you a virtual tour. Plasma is gonna go right here. Probably, like, a 50-inch wall-mounted. Skinny Pete: Plasma rocks it over LCD, yo. Combo: Nah. They burn in, yo. Skinny Pete: But the picture's way sharper. Blacks are deeper, too. Badger: They got 3-D coming out, like, any day now. That's what I'm waiting for. p*rn, cuz! Jesse: Jesus. Badger: Like, 3-D ta-tas, like, right in your face. Jesse: So, I'm gonna get a couple of those zero-gravity chairs for right here, for your ultimate viewing comfort. Combo: Those are buck. Jesse: It's gonna be pretty much sparse. Very Asian-y, modern stuff. Skinny Pete: Feng shui, yo. I can dig it. Jesse: And I'm thinking, just a bunch of candles, maybe one of those little fountain jobs right here. It's gonna be chill. Combo: The ladies, they cream up real nice for, like, candles and sh1t. Badger: You are going to score, big time! Jesse: All right, so how about we get, you know, down to it? There's some refreshments over here if you want to partake. Combo: You got any other refreshments? Skinny Pete: I could kick it. It's been a while. Badger: I could totally go for a lovin' spoonful. Jesse: No b*mb, no beer, no weed. You smoke it up on your own time. We're talking business here. So listen up. This is how it goes. I front each of you an ounce. You sell it for 2,500. I keep the two, you keep the five. No cutting it. You sell it as is, all right? Combo: That's kinda, like, hopeful, bro. Skinny Pete: Street's maybe 17, 18. Jesse: This is the best shiz ever. Everybody and their mother's gonna want a taste. And second, who else is selling right now, huh? Skinny Pete: It's dry out there, that's for sure. Combo: Church. Jesse: So you point it how you want, okay? Quarter, half, teener, whatever. But I make what I make. Two large. No exceptions. Short me, you're out. Cut it, you're out. Period. This is a big opportunity I am giving you. Understand? Badger, what is this? Badger: A big opportunity. Jesse: Exactly. All right? This is the ground floor. Gentlemen, how far you go is up to you. Combo: So bring out the product, yo. Jesse: Not here, all right? Not ever. Blind drop. I will let you know when and where. All right? You'll be hearing from me. Now, I got mad volume, so you move it quick, you move it right. There is always more. DBAA, mo-fos. All right? Apply yourselves. Scene: Hank and Marie’s Patio Marie: It's an armpit. Hank: It's not an armpit. Marie: Excuse me. You're right. It's the Paris of the Southwest. Please, it's Texas, for God's sake. Right on the border of lawless Mexican hell. Human heads, they leave. The cartels, they litter the place with human heads. Hank: Pretty sure that's why I'm going there. Marie: It's like a calling card or a shout-out or something. Now, D.C, on the other hand, I could get behind. You just do your time like a good boy, and I could see us in a cute little condo in Georgetown in a couple of years. Scene: Kitchen Marie: I went online to this fantastic real estate website for D.C. There's just so much, I don't know, culture there. I was talking to Melinda, Hank's boss's wife. The one with the helmet hair and the permanent lip liner. Anyway, she was saying that... Skyler: Apologize. Marie: What? Skyler: I will not listen to one more word until you apologize. Marie: For? Skyler: You know perfectly well, Marie. Marie: Well, obviously I don't. Skyler: Your lies. To me. The shoplifting? All of it? Did you really think it was all just neatly gonna go away? Marie: If you hadn't tried to return it... Skyler: Apologize. Now or never. I mean it. Or it'll never be the same. Marie: Why are you punishing me? Skyler: If you don't respect me enough to apologize, to tell me the truth, then... I need my sister back. Marie: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Scene: Patio Hank: You want the gory details? No, you don't. Keep you up at night. Walter Jr: So was it scary? Hank: Hell, yeah, it was freakin' scary, you little punk. Jesus. Walter Jr: But you were way faster than him. Hank: Well, I'm here, aren't I? Walter Jr: Hell, yeah. Kick ass and take names. Walter: Son. Hank: Nah, it's fine. You know what it is? A cockroach comes out from under a fridge, what do you do? I mean, you don't think about it. You stomp 'em down. Walter: Where do they come from? Criminals, like the one you...What do you think it is that makes them who they are. Hank: Buddy, you might as well be asking me about the roaches. All I know is there's a whole world of them out there. Man, I gotta piss like a racehorse. Scene: Desert Walter: I wasn't sure it was you. New car? Jesse: Yeah, keeping things on the D.L. Walter: I'm guessing this one doesn't bounce. Jesse: Your half. That's what I'm talking about. You're welcome. Jesus. Walter: Help me understand the math, okay? I gave you 1 pound, correct? You and I split $2,000 per ounce. $1,000 each. 1 pound, that’s 16 ounces. 16 ounces should net to me, $16,000. Not 15. Jesse: Something came up. Walter: Something came up? Jesse: One of my guys got held up by a couple junkies. Lost an ounce. But it's cool, okay? Skinny Pete's cool. Walter: Oh, so you're saying that your guy got robbed. Or, rather, you got robbed, but it doesn't matter. Jesse: Dude, it's called breakage, okay? Like K-Mart. Shit breaks. Walter: And you're thinking this is acceptable? Jesse: It's the cost of business, yo. You're sweating me over a grand? Walter: Look, I'm just the chemist, here. I'm not the street guy, yo. But it seems to me that what you call "breakage" is just you making a fool of yourself. I've got another technical term for you. "Non-sustainable business model." Jesse: You're focusing on the negative. Six grand a day we're making. What's your problem? Walter: What happens when word gets out, and it's open season on these clowns you've hired? Once everyone knows that Jesse Pinkman, drug lord, can be robbed with impunity. Jesse: Man, come on. Walter: You think Tuco had breakage? I guess it's true, he did. He broke bones. He broke the skull of anybody who tried to rip him off. Jesse: You want another grand? Is that it? Walter: Not my point. Jesse: Take it! Here. Look, you got 15,000 you didn't have yesterday. We're making bank. Shit happens. My guys get what they're up against, and they're careful. So am I. And you're all tucked in at night with your precious family. So why don't you just stop being such a freak about everything? Walter: You've made the division of labor very clear. Jesse: Yo, I mean, seriously. What the hell do you want me to do, huh? Scene: White Residence Skyler: Sorry. Walter: You snuck in. Didn't even know you were home. What you eating? Skyler: A panini. There's another one in the freezer if you want it. Walter: I thought we nixed those, huh? Skyler: Did we? Walter: Yeah. I mean, aren't those the ones with the off-the-chart sodium? Skyler: I had a craving. Once in a while is no big deal. Walter: So where's Junior? Skyler: Out. Walter: With whom? Skyler: Louis. Walter: Out where? Skyler: Somewhere. I don't know. He'll be back by 9:00. Walter: I just thought you might have a clue where your son is. Skyler: Why don't you? Why am I the only one who needs to keep track of our son? I'll tell you what, Walt. You want to know where he is, ask him. Just pick up the phone like I do. Walter: Perhaps you might know something about this. Skyler: Perhaps. And then again, perhaps I don't. Perhaps I smoked them in a fugue state. Walter: I'd like an explanation. Why would you do this? You're pregnant, for God's sakes. Skyler: Three and a half cigarettes is not going to do a thing to the baby. Not a thing. Walter: I'm glad you're so sure, Doctor. Skyler: Three and a half. That was it. I tossed the rest. And I'm sure you'll be very glad to hear that, yes, I feel ashamed. This is something that... Walter: This is so unlike you. Skyler: Oh, really? How would you know? Scene: Jesse’s Apartment Walter: You asked me what I want you to do. I want you to handle it.

{"type": "series", "show": "Breaking Bad", "episode": "2x05 - Breakage"}

foreverdreaming

Scene: Street Skinny Pete: What up? Damn, bitch. Jesse: Got something for me? Skinny Pete: Yeah, I found them. Jesse: Is this a 5 or an S? Skinny Pete: 5. No, wait. S. Yeah, a 5. Jesse: Jesus, how the hell do you spell "street" wrong? S-T-R-E-A-T? Skinny Pete: Hey, man. I'm slinging mad volume and fat-stackin Benjis, you know what I'm saying? I can't be all about, like, spelling and shit. Jesse: So they got names? Skinny Pete: Hers is, like, I don't know. She's just this woman is all. Him they call Spooge. Jesse: Spooge? Not Mad Dog, not Diesel? So let me get this straight. You got jacked by a guy named Spooge? Skinny Pete: Yo, what's his name matter? All's I saw was that Kn*fe he stuck in my face, like that big! But if you're looking for a reason not to go do this thing... Jesse: Did I say that? Skinny Pete: 'Cause I'll go do it myself, right? It's just I'm on probation and all. So you gonna do it? Good. Right on. 'Cause these two, they need to get got. Scene: Outside Spooge’s House Jesse: Where's my money, bitch? Where's my money? Where’s my money, bitch? Huh, bitch? Where’s my money bitch? Oh, that's good. Where’s my money, bitch? Bitch, where’s my money? Come on. I will mess you up. Is that how you want to play this? Your call. Your funeral, Jack. Do not mess with me. I will bury you 'cause I'm crazy, yo. Mucho loco. Do not test me. Mail Woman: Good morning! Jesse: Good morning. Mail Woman: Honey, you blocking the mailbox. Jesse: Sorry. Mail Woman: I think it's gonna be a nice day, huh? Jesse: Yeah, high 70s. Mail Woman: You have a great day. Jesse: Right on. You too. Scene: Inside Spooge’s House Jesse: God! Shit! Anybody home? Yo, is anybody else home? Where's your folks? They here? What's your name? My name's Diesel. Yo, don't you want to watch something other than this? Like, I don't know, Mr. Rogers? So when your folks coming home? Your dad, Mr. Spooge? When is he getting back? Kid: I'm hungry. Scene: White Residence Marie: Hey there, you three. Just wanted to wish Walt a good first day back. We'll be thinkin thinking about you teaching valences and covalences and...okay, that's officially all I remember. Good luck. Skyler, give me a call when you get a chance. Gretchen: Hi, Walt and Skyler. This is Gretchen Schwartz, just calling to say hello. I'm down from Santa Fe today, and I was just thinking about you both, hoping everything's well. I tried Walt's cell, and it said the number had been disconnected, so I'm just hoping that everything's okay. Call me if you can, whenever's convenient. Skyler: This is Skyler White. Am I catching you at a bad time? Gretchen: No, not at all. It's so good to hear from you. How is everybody? Skyler: Very well, thank you. Walt is actually at work today. It's his first day back at work, and he lost his cell phone quite a while back. And I really hope we didn't worry you. Gretchen: I'm just so glad to hear that everybody's fine. That's wonderful. Skyler: I'm so very, very long overdue in telling you this, and I just have to take Walt at his word that he's been passing it along for me. I mean, he's been so adamant about wanting to handle this whole thing by himself. But I have picked up the phone about a hundred times. I just... Gretchen: What is it? Skyler: I can't begin to thank you and Elliott for what you've done. The money for Walt's treatment, it's just, it's saved us. Gretchen: I don't know if I... Skyler: Walt keeps saying, "Don't bother them. It's no big deal." But it is a big deal. To me. And to all of us. So I just finally wanted to say thank you. Anyway. End of speech. So, I do hope we get to see you soon. Truly, anytime you're in town, anytime at all is good for us. Gretchen: How about this afternoon? Scene: Walter’s Classroom Walter: Monoalkenes, diolefins, trienes, polyenes. The nomenclature alone is enough to make your head spin. But when you start to feel overwhelmed, and you will, just keep in mind that one element. Carbon. Carbon is at the center of it all. There is no life without carbon. Nowhere. That we know of in the universe. Everything that lives, lived, will live. Carbon. Carmen is carbon. Sorry. Assistant Principal Carmen. Did you…? I like to think of it, I like to think that the diamond and the woman who wears it on her finger are both formed from the same stuff. Or, say the diamond and the man who invented it. That got your attention, right? The man who invented the diamond. All right. H. Tracy Hall. Write this name down. Dr. Hall invented the first reproducible process for making synthetic diamonds. I mean, this is way back in the '50s. Now, today, synthetic diamonds are used in oil drilling, electronics, and multi-billion dollar industries. At the time, Dr. Hall worked for General Electric. And he made them a fortune. I mean, incalculable. You want to know how GE rewarded Dr. Hall? A $10 US Savings Bond. Anyway. A Savings Bond printed on carbon-based paper paid to a carbon-based man for something he made out of carbon. Scene: After Class Carmen: It's so nice to have you back with us, Walt. And you're looking great, by the way. Walter: A little skinnier. Which is definitely no tragedy. And then there's the hair thing. Carmen: I actually like that. That's a great look for you. But you're feeling good? Walter: Absolutely. 100%. I'm glad to be back at work. I'm glad to, I'm happy to be here. Really. Carmen: We're happy too. And I just, it's good. It's great. Walter: Is everything okay? Carmen: Just please feel comfortable coming to me with any problems, any issues. Anything at all. You know, completely confidential. Scene: School Parking Lot Jeffrey: See you tomorrow, Flynn. Walter Jr: See you, Jeffrey. Let me see it. Dad, let me see it. Walter: Don't worry about it. Let's go. Scene: Spooge’s House Jesse: Hey. Peekaboo. No? Peekaboo! Ah, man. You stay right here, all right? I mean it. Spooge’s Wife: You shut up! You shut up! You're the one who dropped it. Spooge: I didn't drop it! I didn't drop shit! Spooge’s Wife: You dropped it! Spooge: Shut the hell up about it. Jesse: You shut up! No, you shut up! Get up! Shut up! Both of you! Scene: Walter’s Car Walter: You know who might have done it? I have an idea. Here's what I think. You ID them. And then together, you and I put a bag over their heads. We tie them up, drive them way out into the desert, strip them naked, then bury them up to their necks on a huge mound of f*re ants. Saw it in that old Western. You with me? Walter Jr: Scorpions? Walter: Scorpions are good. Very nice. Walter Jr: Damn, Dad. Check it out. Who is this? Scene: White Residence Skyler: So, this is Walter Jr. Or Flynn. He likes to go by Flynn these days. Walter Jr: Mom. Skyler: What? I'm just offering the choice. This is Mrs. Schwartz, whom you've heard so much about. Gretchen: Very nice to meet you, Flynn. Walter Jr: Nice to meet you, too. Walter: Look who's here. Always nice to see you. What a nice surprise. Gretchen: Look at you. You're looking good. Walter: Though a bald head is a bit of a shocker. Skyler: I know it was for me. Gretchen: You have a good shaped head. May I? Walter: Oh, sure. Gretchen: For good luck. Right? Walter: Exactly. Here's hoping. We could use some of that, huh? Walter Jr: Mrs. Schwartz? Thank you so much for what you've done for my dad. It was a really good thing. Gretchen: You're very welcome. Skyler: We're going to find a way to repay you. Gretchen: We don't want to ever hear that. You know what? I hate to say it, but I really need to get going. Skyler: That's too bad. You can't stay for dinner? Gretchen: I wish I could, but unfortunately I have to try to b*at the traffic. Skyler: Well, I hope we get a chance to catch up real soon. Gretchen: Hopefully. Skyler: Your purse. Good to see you. And you and Elliott are welcome any time. Really. And I, for one, am gonna be much better about keeping in touch. It's so good to see you. Gretchen: And you. Walter Jr: Nice meeting you. Gretchen: Likewise. Bye now. Skyler: Drive safely. Walter: What am I thinking? I should walk her to her car. Really. I'll be right back. Scene: Driveway Walter: Gretchen. What did you... We need to talk. Can you not do or say anything to anyone until then? Please. Please. Scene: Spooge’s House Jesse: Where's my money, bitch? I ain't going to keep asking nice! Yo, all right? I want my money and my dope! Come on! Spooge: I just want to say, man... Jesse: What? What do you want to say? Spooge: I just want to go on record. You h*t me really, really hard. I think I'm seeing double. Maybe I need to go see a hospital. Jesse: Shut up! Spooge: Serious, I might have a concussion! Spooge’s Wife: Don't fall asleep, baby. Spooge: Subdural hematoma. Spooge’s Wife: Don't fall asleep. Jesse: Shut up. Empty your pockets. Turn them out, everything on the table. Do it! All right, turn around. Turn around! Turn out your back pockets. Come on. All right. Shoes. Give them here. Spooge: I told you, Diesel, we ain't holding any. Spooge’s Wife: We sh*t it all. Jesse: sh*t an ounce in a day and a half. All right, tell you what. Both of you pull it out of your butts right now or I grab a flashlight and some pliers and go exploring. What's it going to be, yo? Come on! There you go. All right, come on. On the table. So what? You hold the crystal, and she holds the H, huh? Spooge: Division of labor. Jesse: All right, there's maybe an 8-ball here. Where's the rest of my meth? Spooge: Yo, for real? She up and lost it, yo. Spooge’s Wife: You shut up! Spooge: Shut up, skank. Jesse: Shut up! Stop it! Spooge: This really isn't getting any better. It's turning cranial. Jesse: You see this g*n, huh? It's got five b*ll*ts. One for each kneecap, plus an extra round for your cranial, for being such a p*ssy. Spooge’s Wife: Hey, baby. Come here, baby. Come here, baby. Jesse: All right. You two are never getting high again. I will make it my life's mission. Not another needle, not another ball, not one toke, not till I get what's mine. Spooge: We got you covered, man, sure. It just so happens we got your money, man, plus interest. Jesse: You're damn right, plus interest. Where? Spooge: Backyard. Right hand to the man, dog. Backyard. Go check it out. Hurting. Painful. Jesse: Me and your old man, we're just playing a game, all right? Hey, don't move. Come on! Scene: Backyard Spooge: See? Me and the slit just boosted it. She's like an ant, man. She can lift a hundred times her own weight. For real. Jesse: What the hell am I supposed to do with this? Spooge: Help me break it open. Take out the money, get paid. Get high. Jesse: That's my bank. Spooge: So? It's FIDC insured. It's a victimless crime. Jesse: Where the hell did you get this? Spooge: Bodega. Way across town. In, out, like bam. It was smooth as silk. Jesse: What, nobody saw you? What about witnesses, dumb ass? Spooge: We roll like the breeze, for real. All we did, we just walked in all smooth-like. Nobody even noticed. Jesse: Nobody noticed? For real? Spooge: I'm telling you. A victimless crime. Scene: Spooge’s House Jesse: Jesus! Come on already! Spooge: It's about to give, man. I'm sensing it. Jesse: You don't know what you're doing. I thought you told me you boosted, like, six of these. Spooge’s Wife: Boosted. It's not like he ever got one open. Spooge: At least I got persistence. The law of averages, lucky number 7. Don't listen to that skank. Spooge’s Wife: Stop calling me that! I ain't no skank! Spooge: Skank, skank, skank ass skank! Jesse: Sit. All right, I swear to God I will sh**t you both in the face! Now chill! You, get that thing open. You sit the hell down, and no throwing things. Where's the kid? The kid! The little kid! Spooge’s Wife: What are you asking me for? Jesse: What the hell kind of mother are you? How about you feed the kid a decent meal every now and then? Give him a bath. Put some baby powder on him. Get him some decent TV to watch. What is this shit? Are you serious? Spooge’s Wife: You give me one h*t, and I'll be any kind of mother that you want. Spooge: Diesel, this whole thing would go easier if we all had a little taste, man. Jesse: Get out of the way. Get out of the way! Scene: Restaurant Walter: So you didn't tell anyone. You didn't tell Elliott. Gretchen: Not yet. Walter: What does that mean? Gretchen: It means what it means. It's a determination I have yet to make. Walter: All right. Fair enough. I can appreciate that. All right. First let me say I very much regret involving you in this. This entire thing was unfortunate. Gretchen: Unfortunate? Walter: And I apologize deeply. Gretchen: Now please tell me why you did it. Walter: That's not really at issue here. Gretchen: You told me your insurance was covering it. Was that a lie? If you won't take our money and your insurance isn't covering it, how are you paying for it? Walter: This is not an issue that concerns you, Gretchen, okay? Gretchen: Excuse me. It does concern me. It concerns me greatly. You tell your wife and son that I am paying for your cancer treatment. Why are you doing this? Walter: I will clear this up with them. Gretchen: The look on Skyler's face. She's sitting there, tears in her eyes, thanking me for saving your life. Why would you do that to her? Walter: As I said, I will clear this up. Just please allow me to do this in my own way in my own time. All right? I will explain the whole thing to them. Gretchen: And while you're at it, explain it to me. Walter: I don't owe you an explanation. I owe you an apology, and I have apologized. I am very sorry, Gretchen. There. I've apologized twice now. I'm humbly sorry. Three times. Gretchen: Let me just get this straight. Elliott and I offer to pay for your treatment, no strings attached an offer which still stands, by the way and you turn us down out of pride, whatever, and then you tell your wife that in fact we are paying for your treatment. Without our knowledge, against our will, you involve us in your lie. And you sit here and tell me that that is none of my business? Walter: That's pretty much the size of it. Gretchen: What happened to you? Really, Walt. What happened? Because this isn't you. Walter: What would you know about me? What would your presumption about me be, exactly? That I should go begging for your charity? And you waving your checkbook around, like some magic wand, is going to make me forget how you and Elliott cut me out? Gretchen: What? That can't be how you see it. Walter: It was my hard work, my research, and you and Elliott make millions off it. Gretchen: That cannot be how you see it. Walter: Good. That's beautifully done. Gretchen: You left. Walter: You are always the picture of innocence. Gretchen: You left me. Walter: The picture of innocence. Just sweetness and light. Gretchen: You left me. Newport, 4th of July weekend. You and my father and my brothers, and I go up to our room, and you're packing your bags, barely talking. What? Did I dream all that? Walter: That's your excuse to build your little empire on my work? Gretchen: How can you say that to me? You walked away. You abandoned us. Me, Elliott. Walter: Little rich girl just adding to your millions. Gretchen: I don't even know what to say to you. I don't even know where to begin. I feel so sorry for you, Walt. Walter: f*ck you. Scene: Spooge’s House Jesse: Little man, you hungry? What are you doing? Spooge’s Wife: Spooge, I got him, I got him. Baby, get up and help me! Call me a bad mother. I'll show you a bad mother, bitch. Get up, damn it! Get our dope! Bedtime. Spooge: Here we go. Who's the big tough guy now? Is that you? You're the big man? Try and h*t me now, bitch! Try and h*t me now! Try and h*t me now, bitch! Scene: White Residence Skyler: Should I ask where you've been? Never mind. We're long past that, I suppose. Gretchen called about an hour ago. We need to talk. Walter: Just say it. Skyler: They're cutting off the money. Walter: What did she say, exactly? Skyler: Not much. It was abrupt. She said something like "I'm sorry to have to do this, but Elliott and I can no longer continue to pay for Walt's treatment. I wish you the very best." And that was it. She sounded apologetic I guess. It was quick. She got right off the phone. I was so stunned, but I called her back, and she didn't pick up. So what do you know about this? She and I had a perfectly nice visit this afternoon, and then you come home, and all of a sudden she's in a big hurry to leave, and then the two of you are talking in the driveway. What do you know that I don't? Where were you tonight? Walter: I drove up to Santa Fe. I was with Gretchen. Well, Gretchen and Elliott. She just couldn't bring herself to tell you today. I mean, she couldn't tell me, either, really. There was a lot of hemming and hawing and beating around the bush from both of them. Skyler: What? Tell us what? Walter: There was a lot of business phraseology being tossed around. Things like "cash poor" and "leveraged" and "quarterly decline," yada, yada, yada. But what they were truly saying, in my opinion, they're broke. Skyler: You are kidding me. Walter: I mean, the economy's in the toilet. We all know that. And all these big banks and Fannie Mae and apparently, Gray Matter is no more immune than anyone else. Skyler: That is...Jesus, that's, she could have just told me herself. Walter: Well, they're prideful people. Listen. Not to sound selfish, but as far as we go, we'll get through this, okay? They've already paid for most of my treatment, right? We're going to make it. All right? I promise. Skyler: And yet she still drives a Bentley. Walter: Keeping up appearances or I don't know. Who knows? Scene: Spooge’s House Spooge’s Wife: Baby, that don't make any sense. Spooge: Of course it makes sense. Every safe's got its weak spot, right? Say you're designing a safe. Where are you going to put your weak spot? Spooge’s Wife: Nowhere. I made it, like, strong. Spooge: Jesus! On the bottom, that's where. You put your weak spot on the bottom. Spooge’s Wife: Baby, that H is bringing me down. Spooge: You took too much. I told you. Spooge’s Wife: I need... I need to even out. Let me get a h*t of that crystal. Spooge: Hell, no. You've lost your share. Spooge’s Wife: Come on, baby. It's all I need is just a little h*t. Spooge: Shut the hell up, you dumb skank. I'm trying to concentrate. Spooge’s Wife: I ain't no skank. I would appreciate an apology. Spooge: What? Spooge’s Wife: I am trying to take the high road here. Are you going to do right? Spooge: Listen to me, stupid. I am in the middle of some very important work. I am on the verge here, all right? So shut your skank ass pie hole and assist me and shut up! Spooge’s Wife: I ain't no skank. Spooge: Skank, skank, skank ass skank! Skank ass skank! Skank ass skank! You listening to me skank? You hear me, skank? You are a skank ass skank! Spooge’s Wife: I ain't no skank. Jesse: No, don't! Spooge’s Wife: I ain't no skank. Jesse: Remember peekaboo? Can you go peekaboo like this? Can you keep your eyes closed? You keep them closed. That's good. That's real good. All right. You keep them closed just like that. It's a little game we're going to play. Look at me. You wait right here. Okay? It's just part of the game. You wait right here, and...look, just don't go back inside. All right? You stay right here. Okay? You have a good rest of your life, kid.

{"type": "series", "show": "Breaking Bad", "episode": "2x06 - Peekaboo"}

foreverdreaming

Scene: Walter’s Classroom Walter: Nitrogen bonds to oxygen, which, in turn...you do know what a bond is? A strong force of attraction. Covalent bonds, ionic bonds. The coming together of atoms and molecules to form compounds? Chemical bonds are what make matter matter. Bonds are what hold the physical world together, what hold us together. Barry: I got it. Bonds. Walter: Your test score says otherwise. It tells me you don't get it at all. Barry: I mean, 58. I was close. Walter: What is close? There's no "close" in science, Barry. There are right answers and wrong answers. "Close" didn't put men on the moon. Barry: I'm just saying, Mr. White, 2 points? If I don't pass chemistry, I have to go to summer school. I mean, I really studied. Like, really, really studied, like, all night hard. I'm so into chemistry for, like, the concepts. I just think I might have the attention deficit. Couldn't you please just let this slide? Walter: Don't bullshit a bullshitter. The answer is no. Next time, apply yourself. Jesse: Yo, if I know you, leave a message. Walter: Are you ducking me or what? This makes the third time. Look, I will be leaving this phone on for another 15 minutes, so call me. And by the way, that thing we talked about? When I said "handle it"? Well, don't. Let it go. All right. Scene: Outside Jesse’s Apartment Walter: Jesse. Open the door. I know you're home. Your car is here. Come on. Jesse! Jane: Can I help you? Walter: No. Jane: Well, I'm the manager, so can we stop with the pounding, please? Walter: You're the manager? You can help me. Absolutely. I very much need to get inside here. So if you have a master key...you have a key, right? Jane: Yeah, I have a key. Walter: Look, the person who lives here, it's just very important for me to see him. Jane: And you knocked, right? He didn't answer? Which means? Walter: Look, I'm his father, all right? Jane: You're Mr. Jackson? Walter: That's me. Walt Jackson. And you are? Jane: Jane. Walter: Very nice to meet you, Jane. Now, if you wouldn't mind... Jane: Mr. Jackson, I'm happy to let you use my phone. Want to call him? Walter: As I said, I would like to have you let me inside here so that I can check on my son's well-being. You understand? Jane: Look, whatever's going on between the two of you is family. I don't get involved in family. Jesse doesn't want you in, you're not getting in. Period. Sorry. Jesse: Come on in, Dad. Jane: You okay? Scene: Inside Apartment Walter: Jesse Jackson? Do you even...I see you have a telephone at least. You know, that blinking thing I've been calling you on? Jesse: Whatever, man. Give me my... Walter: I will break this! I will break this! Damn druggy idiot. Is this what you've been doing the whole time I've been trying to reach you? Jesse: I've been taking care of business. Walter: What business? Jesse: What business? The business you put me on, assh*le. You already forgot? This business! Does that jog your memory? Son of a bitch. Walter: You didn't actually… Jesse: You said "handle it." So I handled it. Walter: When I said "handle it," I meant fear and intimidation. Get your money back. I certainly never meant for you… Jesse: You didn't mean to k*ll somebody? Too late, yo, because dude's d*ad. Walter: Oh, God. Jesse: All right? Way d*ad. Walter: Oh, God. Jesse: Here. Here's your money. Your half. Spend it in good health, you miserable son of a bitch. I didn't say I k*lled him. Walter: Tell me what happened. Jesse: The dude's wife crushed his head with an ATM machine. Walter: Crushed his… Jesse: Crushed his head with an ATM machine. Right in front of me. I mean, crushed it like...oh, my God, the sound It's still in my ears. You know, and the blood, like, everywhere. Like, there was so much, you would not believe. Man, will you just please give me my weed, all right? It helps with my nausea. Walter: So, you did not k*ll anyone. Does anybody think that you k*lled anybody? Jesse: I called the cops. Walter: You called the cops? Jesse: I called and I split, and then they came in and busted her. God, she was so zapped out of her mind. She did it for, like, nothing. He told her she was a skank, but, I mean, she was a skank. Walter: Can this person identify you? Can she identify you being there? Jesse: Dude, she couldn't identify her left ass cheek. She was so zonked. And she had this, God, she had this kid. Walter: Listen, I'm a little fuzzy on the mechanics, here. But could you not stop this woman from k*lling this man? Jesse: Look, she had a g*n on me, all right? Yeah, my g*n, okay? Mine. Go ahead. Say it. I ain't no Tuco or Krazy-8. I can't run a crew. Come on. Point made, man. Point made. Jesse: Yo, if I know you, leave a message. Badger: It's Badger, man. Skinny Pete: What are you doing? Don't use your real name. Badger: What? That isn't my real name. We got those pants you wanted. 32 large, right? We got them just for you, jefe. Let's do some bid-ness, yo. Walter: So, are you going to get back up on that horse? Jesse: You get on. All right? I just want to forget. Scene: El Paso DEA Hank: Sorry. What's up with that? Vanco: Jesus Malverde. Patron saint of Mexican drug dealers. Hank: Hell, I know who it is, okay? Scumbags kneeling down, praying to him "Please, Senor Saint-ay! No DEA, please!" I'm just saying why is he on your desk? Going after neo-n*zi, you don't wear swastikas, right? Vanco: Sun Tzu. Hank: Sun who? Vanco: Sixth century Chinese general. Wrote The Art of w*r. "If you know your enemies yourself, you'll fight without danger in many battles." Hank: Right on. Ramey: Agent Schrader. Hank: Sir! Ramey: Glad to have you on board. Everybody getting you settled in? Hank: Great group of guys. And gals. Got guys. Guys and gals. That's good. Ramey: You couldn't have picked a better time to arrive. About to put a big dent in the cartel. Right, Vanco? Vanco: Yes, sir. Scene: Science Museum Skinny Pete: Bro, check it out. It's a satellite picture of you farting. Badger: Fat Man and Little Boy. Sounds like you two. Skinny Pete: I got your Fat Man in my pants, bitch. Combo: Watch it. Skinny Pete: It ain't real, dumbass. Combo: Watch it, is all. Skinny Pete: You watch it. Walter: I'm Heisenberg. Badger: You're Heisenberg? Skinny Pete: I remember you. You were the cook. Walter: Let's get this over with. Skinny Pete: Where's Jesse? Walter: Busy. Skinny Pete: That's cool. Badger: Real cool. Combo: Totally cool. It's all there. Every dollar. In case you want to, like, count it. Walter: Here? Combo: I'm just saying. Just saying, like, we cool, yo. We ain't got no confusion and interpretation as to who we work for. Skinny Pete: Man, that's church, yo. For real. Walter: What have you heard? Badger: Did Jesse really I mean, did he really squash that dude's head with an ATM machine? Walter: Who's saying that? Skinny Pete: Damn, man, it's all over town. Everybody's like, whoa, snap! Usually I got to chase dudes down for their money. But today, everybody's paying up. Combo: True that. Badger: Serious. But, like he really did it? Walter: You didn't hear that from me. Scene: Beneke Fabrications Skyler: Big lunch. Here you go. Margaret: Very good, Miss White. We'll consider your application and let you know. Skyler: I'd just like to mention that I have worked here before. Margaret: Really? When are you due? Skyler: Several months. Margaret: Congratulations. I see. Accounting department. You left us four years ago? Skyler: Family. Margaret: We'll definitely let you know. Thank you for coming by. Skyler: Actually, may I see Ted Beneke? I think he'll remember me. Margaret: Mr. Beneke's very busy today, unfortunately. Skyler: If it's okay, I'll just... Margaret: Ma'am. Ted: Skyler? Oh, my God, look at you. Skyler: Hey, Ted. Ted: Come in. No calls, Margaret. Sit down right here. You look great. A boy or a girl, or are you keeping it a secret? Skyler: It's a little girl. We're very excited. Ted: I'll bet. One of each. How's Walt Jr? Skyler: Tenth grade and he's just growing like a weed. He's taller than I am now. I'm betting 6'3", 6'4" by the time he's finished. Ted: Wow, handsome. Oh, my God. Good genes. Skyler: Speaking of movie stars, those can't be the twins. Ted: Yep, that's them. Skyler: They're gorgeous. Ted: Yes, they are. And they know it. I'm in real trouble there, huh? Skyler: So, the big office? Ted: Weird, isn't it? I still think of it as my dad's. Skyler: I miss him. Ted: Me, too. I'd like to think he'd be proud. Last year was our best year yet. Skyler: He'd be proud. Ted: Walt, how's he doing? Skyler: He is doing great. He's plugging away. Ted: Great. He still teaching? You tell him I said hello. Skyler: I will definitely do that. To be honest, Ted, I didn't just stop by to say hello. I was applying for the data entry job. Ted: You're kidding. You were like our go-to bookkeeper. Skyler: The economy, you know, so. Ted: Well, data entry, that'd be a mistake. How about getting your old job back? We're expanding and between you and me, that whole department is pretty much of a mess. Your work would be cut out for you. But we could use your help. Scene: Jesse’s Apartment Walter: Now, this is our territory, right? Currently. Hello? Correct. All right, then. Now, look at this. Here, here, here and here. What does that look like to you? Opportunities. Golden ones. That's what that looks like. Look. It's an entire city full of buyers. Now, why aren't we exploiting that? Jesse: Because it's not our territory. Walter: Because we lack initiative. Jesse: Initiative? Walter: You need to employ more dealers. Double, triple your crew. Those three I met they should each have three, six, nine sub-dealers working for them. Exponential growth that's the key. Jesse: It's not our territory. Man, you follow me, here? We go rolling into these neighborhoods, other crews ain't going to take kindly. You understand? Walter: Sure. They won't like it. But I say they're not going to do a thing about it. Listen, Jesse. The game has changed. The word is out. And you are a k*ller. Jesse: What are you talking about? Walter: Apparently it's all over town. Somebody crossed you. You got angry. You crushed their skull with an ATM machine. Jesse: But that's not how it happened. Walter: Who cares? Just as long as it's our competitors who believe it and not the police. Jesse: My God. Walter: Don't you see how great this is? Look, you are a Jesse, look at me. You are a blowfish. Jesse: What? Walter: A blowfish. Think about it. Small in stature, not swift, not cunning. Easy prey for predators. But the blowfish has a secret w*apon, doesn't he? What does the blowfish do, Jesse? What does the blowfish do? Jesse: I don't even... Walter: The blowfish puffs up. The blowfish puffs himself up four or five times larger than normal. And why? Why does he do that? So that it makes him intimidating, that's why. Intimidating, so that the other scarier fish are scared off. And that's you. You are a blowfish. You see? It's just all an illusion. See? It's nothing but air. Now, who messes with the blowfish, Jesse? Jesse: Nobody. Walter: You're damn right. Jesse: I'm a blowfish. Walter: You are a blowfish. Say it again. Jesse: I'm a blowfish. Walter: Say it like you mean it. Jesse: I'm a blowfish! Yeah! Walter: That's it. Jesse: Blowfishing this up. Scene: Hotel Room (El Paso) Tortuga: The SkyMall. Give me the SkyMall, would you? Vanco, new guy don't speak Spanish. What's up? Hey, white boy, better learn Espanol, huh? This ain't Branson, Missouri. You know what I'm talking about? You know what? I'll teach you. It means "Let's make a deal." So go ahead. We're waiting. Vaya, vaya. Right here. Item SS4G. Yankee Stadium, "Final Season" Commemorative Baseball, hand-signed by Derek Jeter. Vanco, write this down. Man, watch out. Large size floor runner. Look at that. It's a rug you put on the floor, except for it looks like a hundred dollar bill. I love them. Get me 20 of them. I'm going to put them all over my casa. Ramey: We'll get you three. Tortuga: You give me ten. Ramey: Five. Hank: How about you stop jerking us off, here? Where's the meet? When's it going down? Tortuga: White boy don't like "Let's make a deal." Hank: White boy's going to kick your ass, you don't stop wasting his time. Ramey: Schrader. Tortuga: White boy. My name's Tortuga. You know what that means? Hank: Well, if I had to guess, I'd say that's Spanish for "assh*le.” Tortuga: "Tortuga" means "turtle." That's me. I take my time, but I always win. That reminds me. Wait, I seen this earlier, lookit. This is awesome, homes. Right there. Look at that. The Tranquil Tortoise garden sculpture. Definitely two of those. Check it out. Mira. Good likeness. Scene: White Residence Marie: Hank's doing great down there. He's really making inroads. Skyler: I'm sure he is. He's a hero, after all. So, you going to go down to El Paso? Marie: Please. It's third-world enough around here. They keep him busy every second. He's already got some big operation going, some kind of hush-hush deal. He couldn't tell me a thing about it except it's on the other side of the border. Skyler: That sounds exciting. He's being safe, right? Marie: He says he's mostly riding a desk, which between you and me, is how I want it. Skyler: Speaking of riding desks I got myself a job today. Marie: You did not. As big as you are? Skyler: Thank you. Marie: You know I just mean...Where? With who? Well, someone willing to work around that, apparently. Skyler: Beneke. Marie: You did not. Is Mr. Grabby-Hands still there? Skyler: It was one time at a Christmas party, and he was so drunk he was practically slurring his words. Marie: Just what you want in an executive. Skyler: And he apologized profusely. Plus, he's married. He doesn't want to get sued for sexual harassment. It will not happen again. Marie: Is money that tight? You know we can always help out. Skyler: You know Walt. He would just… Marie: Speak of the devil. Walter: How are you? What's up? Marie: Nothing much. How's things with you? Walter: Good. Skyler: Dinner will be about an hour. And… Walter: Thanks, honey. Skyler: Everything okay? Walter: Everything's perfect. Scene: White Residence (Next Day) Walter Jr: This is Raisin Bran, not Raisin Bran Crunch. Skyler: So? Same thing. Walter Jr: Not the same thing. Skyler: I'll tell you what. Why don't you do the grocery shopping? And then you can get whatever you want. Great! Walter Jr: It's not that hard, Mom. It says "crunch" on the box. Skyler: You're pushing it. Walter: Morning. Skyler: Morning, honey. Walter Jr: Dad, notice anything? Walter: Is there a funeral today? Skyler: A funeral? Christ, do I look that bad? Walter Jr: Mom got a job. Walter: A job? Why? Skyler: Do I need to get out the checkbook and show you? Walter: Is this a good idea in your condition? Skyler: The doctor said I can work practically up until I go into labor. And it's just an office job. I'm just sitting on my butt. Walter: Where? Skyler: Beneke. I'm back working in the accounting department. Walter: Skyler, what about the welding fumes? Isn't that why you had to quit in the first place? Skyler: They've gone green since then. They have some kind of green welding or something. I didn't smell anything when I was in there. Walter: Didn't Mr. Beneke pass away? Who's running things? Skyler: Ted. His son. Anyway, I have got to go. I don't want to be late on my first day back. Wish me luck. Walter: Good luck. Scene: Outside Jesse’s Apartment Jane: You left your cave. Jesse: I was kind of missing my TV. I was thinking maybe I'd h*t Costco. Snag a big-ass wide screen. So What you drawing? Damn. That's good. It'd make a hell of a tat. Jane: That's the plan. Jesse: Really? Jane: I work part-time down at ABQ Ink. Jesse: Right on. You're a real good drawer. I used to do a little of that. Jane: You used to be a drawer, too? What stopped you? Jesse: You know, just...so, tell me something. What kind of tattoo artist has no tattoos? Jane: That's way too big a commitment. Biker: You're Pinkman. You're the man! Everybody's been talking about you. Right on, man. Keep it real. Jane: Pinkman, huh? I thought your name was Jackson. Scene: Desert (El Paso) Hank: Your snitch has really earned his nickname. Are we just on manana time? Vanco: They'll show. Hank: Why's that? You got more catalogs for him to clean out? You know, Sharper Image or Pottery Barn? Something I need to know about? Vanco: What? That? We were just, singing your praises. Glad to have you. Welcome aboard. Hank: Is that your guy? I think that's your guy. What the hell is he doing down there? Vanco: Where you going? Hank: We need an evidence bag, right? Pretty big one. Vanco: What's the matter? You act like you never saw a severed human head on a tortoise before. Welcome to - ah! God damn, my leg! Scene: Science Museum Jesse: The game has changed, yo. This is our city. All right? All of it. The whole damn place. Our territory. We're staking our claim. We sell when we want, where we want. We're going to be kings. Understand? Well, I'm going to be king and you guys will be princes or dukes or something. Badger: I want to be a knight. Jesse: First thing's first. We got to get more dealers. Foot soldiers. Right? Now they'll be working for you. You're working for me, and they're working for you. You follow me? Layered, like nachos. Exponential growth. Now that's success, with a capital "S". Straight up. Skinny Pete: For shizzle. Badger: Friggin' awesome. Scene: Parking Lot Jesse: We're set. Our boys are ready. Gonna be some mad cheddar. Cheddar, Mr. White. Fat stacks, d*ad presidents. Cash money. We're going to own this city. Walter: We're not charging enough. Jesse: What? Walter: Corner the market, then raise the price. Simple economics. Scene: Beneke Fabrications Skyler: Come on in. Ted: Looks like they got you all set up. Skyler: Yeah. It's perfect. I am close enough to the bathroom not to waddle too far, and that's very nice. Ted: I figured that might be a deal-breaker. Skyler: Listen, I wanted to thank you for having me back. Ted: You don't have to thank me. I need you. Skyler: It's a little early for wine, isn't it? Ted: Damn. It's grape juice. I've been making the girls breakfast in the morning. Skyler: How's Denise doing? Ted: We split up about a year ago. Skyler: I'm sorry. Ted: She's definitely happier now. I guess I am, too, most days. Together since high school. Skyler: I remember that. Ted: Anyway I don't know. People change. I just wanted to welcome you back. I'll see you around the vending machines. We should have lunch one day. Like old times. Skyler: Sure. Scene: Back Patio of Jesse’s Apartment Jesse: So, listen. My name's not really Jesse Jackson. It's Jesse Pinkman. And that guy you met, he's not my dad. You're not going to kick me out, are you? 'Cause I actually really like it here. Jane: I don't make it my business what you do. So long as you don't do it here. Jesse: So, I got this kick-ass new flat-screen. Want to see? Scene: Inside Apartment Jesse: It's got that thing where the blacks are, like, you know, really, really, really black, and the Dolby six-point-whatever, so it'll really rock the house. But I'll, you know I'll keep it way down. Of course. I don't know what the hell's taking so long. Come on.

{"type": "series", "show": "Breaking Bad", "episode": "2x07 - n*gro Y Azul"}

foreverdreaming

Scene: Bench Cop: You selling? Badger: I don't know what you're talking about. Cop: That's cool. I'm just saying, you know, if you were selling, I could maybe do with a teenth. Badger: You're kidding, right? Dude, I so smell bacon. Cop: What? What are you talking about? Badger: Gee, I don't know. How about over there. That brown van. That's yours, right? Cop: What brown van? Badger: Parked all inconspicuous. It's a cop van. Another one right over there. "Duke City Flowers?” Come on! Can't you at least be original? Cop: Dude, I just want to get high. Badger: A flower van. You know what you should do is a garbage truck. Seriously. And I don't mean to disrespect. But if you put a bunch of cops in the back of a garbage truck, there's no way, I'm seriously thinking that there's cops in the back of a garbage truck. It's a freebie, yo. Just think about it. Think about it, boys! Cop: All right. I'm hitting it. Badger: You dudes give up that easy? Cop: I'm not a cop. Badger: Then lift your shirt. Show me you're not wearing a wire. Cop: All right, you know what? Just to show you you're being an assh*le. Badger: I'm blinded by white! Cop: Douchebag. Badger: Come on. I was joking. Come on. Don't walk away angry. Sit down. Come on. I mean, what are you complaining about? You got abs, man. Kinda. Cop: Whatever, dude. I'm not even sure I want to buy anymore. I think you turned me off to the whole thing. Badger: Come on. Don't be like that. I just need you to prove it, you know? Prove you're not a cop. Cop: How the hell am I supposed to do that? Badger: I don't know. I got it. Go over there and punch that dude right in the face. Cop: Which dude? That dude? No way. He'd kick my ass. Badger: True that. This is so hard, you know? Cop: I know. It's simple. If you ask a cop if he's a cop, he's, like, obligated to tell you. It's in the Constitution. Badger: Constitution of America? Cop: So go ahead and ask. Badger: Are you a cop? Cop: Not like that. Ask it, like, official. Badger: Are you a police officer? Cop: I am not a police officer. Badger: Okay, then. The price is the price, yo. All right. There you go. Enjoy. Cop: Thanks, man. Albuquerque Police! You're under arrest! Get on the ground! Get on your stomach now! On your stomach, get on the ground! Hold it, don't move! Stay down! Scene: Jesse’s Apartment Commercial Guy #1: I had a good job until my boss accused me of stealing. I'd better call Saul! Commercial Guy #2: I was out partying, minding my own business. Girl Cop: You are under arrest. Commercial Guy #2: I'd better call Saul! Saul: Hi. I'm Saul Goodman. Did you know that you have rights? The Constitution says you do. And so do I. I believe that until proven guilty, every man, woman, and child in this country is innocent. And that's why I fight for you, Albuquerque! Better call Saul. Saul Goodman, attorney at law. Jesse: I really need to get some furniture. Jane: I suggest you start with a bed. Jesse: God, I wish we could smoke in here. Jane: Well, you can't. Jesse: I know. I know. I'm just saying. Jane: Don't think I can't smell that weed. You better seriously hope that airs out. My dad will keep your security deposit. He has a nose like a damn bloodhound. Jesse: Has he ever caught you? Jane: Many times. Jesse: Well, listen. Since I already lost my deposit and all, maybe we should light up. You sure? Well, is it cool if I burn one? Maybe you'll change your mind. Jane: Do what you want to do, I guess. Jesse: What'd I say? Jane: Nothing. I just have to go is all. Jesse: What's this? Jane: My 18-month chip. I'm in recovery. And you know, pot is, like, stepping stones. Jesse: Recovery? That's cool. Right on. I respect that. You know, I don't really burn much anymore. It's just a sometime thing. But no more, like, in the house. So, you want to go grab some dinner? I could really go for some Chinese. Jane: I better h*t it. Jesse: We cool? Jane: Your satellite's on, by the way. That screen's bad-ass. Scene: White Residence Walter: I just think it's asking a lot. He knows it. He's done nothing but apologize. Walter: Is this going to be every weekend now? Skyler: It's just the end of the quarter. You remember how that was. But I am earning double time. There's a bright side. So, when the laziest boy in the world wakes up, tell him he better wash those sneakers. And I said "Bye." And tell him to let them air dry this time. I don't want them banging the hell out of my dryer. What? Walter: What, you don't even get a casual Saturday? You look nice is all. Skyler: It's work. Everybody's gonna be there. Maybe we'll order a pizza tonight? Walter: Hi. You've reached Walt, Skyler, and Walter Junior. Please leave a message, and we'll get back to you. Marie: Skyler? Are you there? I just don't know what to do. I need to talk to you. Walter: It's me. What's up? Scene: Hank and Marie’s House Marie: Yesterday I got home and found him. He didn't even tell me he was coming. Walter: A man was k*lled? Marie: A federale, right in front of him. Three agents wounded, one lost his leg. It's like what you hear about in Iraq or something. The IEDs. Oh, Jesus. I had to hear about it from Steve Gomez. Hank talked to his ASAC for about an hour. Hank should win an Oscar. He's so damn breezy with the man. He hangs up the phone, goes right back to bed. And all he keeps saying is, "I'm fine. I'm fine. Leave me alone." Hank: Baby, not now. Walter: It's me, Hank. Sorry. Hank: Hey, buddy. What's up? Walter:I just, do you mind if I...So how you doing? Hank: You know. Lousy. Montezuma's Revenge, big time. I mean, everything's going through me like crap through a tin horn. Better not get too close. Walter: I'll take my chances. Hank: I guess you heard about what happened down in Juarez? Walter: Terrible. Hank: What do you expect? Freakin' animals. Like Apocalypse Now down there. It's like Colonel Kurtz holed up in his jungle. And my SAC in El Paso sends me home. Now, that's a sound leadership decision right there, huh? You don't put your second most senior man on the trail of those motherless bastards, you send him home. I was, you know, "He's out getting an evidence bag, and so ends up without a scratch on him." So must be something wrong with that picture. Walter: So are you home for good? Hank: Playing it by ear. "To be determined." Walter: Think you might want to talk it through with somebody? Hank: What? A shrink? I can't. Start going down that road, kiss your career goodbye. Walter: Or Marie. Or me, if you like. Hank: You know, I don't know how to say this. You know, the things I deal with, you and me don't have much of what you might call an experiential overlap. Walter: What if I told you we do? I have spent my whole life scared. Frightened of things that could happen, might happen, might not happen. Finding myself awake at 3 in the morning. But you know what? Ever since my diagnosis I sleep just fine. And I came to realize it's that fear that's the worst of it. That's the real enemy. So get up. Get out in the real world. And you kick that bastard as hard as you can right in the teeth. Scene: Jesse’s Apartment Walter: Do it again. Go on. Jesse: $10,000 even. Same as last time. It's totally accurate. Walter: You and I, we are gonna feed this machine. I want it running 24 hours a day. Jesse: Right on. Walter: Not yours, I take it. Jesse: We got 10, 20, 30, 44, five each. Walter: Three pounds should be 48 each. Who's short? Jesse: Don't freak. We didn't get ripped off. Badger hasn't kicked in his full amount. I know he's planning on pulling an all-nighter, so he's probably still in the sack. Walter: Then wake him up. He can sleep after we're paid. Jesse: Why you gotta be such a hard on? Walter: You're not his pal. You're his boss. This only works when they're scared of you. Jesse: Jack off. It's going straight to voicemail. Walter: Voicemail? Jesse: Just chill, okay? Count your money. Combo, you seen Badger? Yo, don't you cover for him, bitch! I ask you a straight-up question, I expect a straight-up answer! Walter: Well? Jesse: They were too scared to tell me. Badger got busted. He's in jail. Scene: Police Station Hank: Honey, I'm home! Too slow! What's up? Steve: You've got more lives than a damn cat. Hank: Now if I can only learn to lick myself. What's up, guys? Good to see you. All right! Let's all go back to work, for Christ's sake! In my office, man. Let's see what you bozos have been up to lately. Steve: You okay? Hanging in? Hank: What's it look like? What's this from APD? Steve: I been checking with them to see if they come across that blue meth of yours. Sure enough, last night. Got themselves an honest-to-God dealer. I was thinking of cruising over and saying hello. Maybe you'd like to go with me. Hank: Well, all right. Scene: Interrogation Room Badger: You told me to my face you weren't a cop, man. I feel manipulated. I thought we were gonna hang out. Cop: We are hanging out, Badger. You like Badger or Brandon? Badger: I like people who don't, like, abuse the Constitution. Cop: Badger, listen. I'm trying to help you here, man. If you just tell me who your supplier is, I think this can end very well for you. Saul: What are you doing talking to my client without me present? You Sneaky Pete! Which is which? What, did the Academy hire you right out of the womb? You guys get younger every...what'd you say to Baby-Face? Did you say anything stupid? By anything stupid, I mean anything at all. Look at you. Mouth open, vocal chords a-twitter. We'll talk about it later. Right now, you out. Ten minutes ago! Go on! There are laws, detective. Have your kindergarten teacher read 'em to you. Go grab a juice box. Have a nap. Go on. All right. Who do we have? Brandon Mayhew. All right. Here we go. Public masturbation. Badger: What? Saul: I don't get it. What's the kick? Why don't you do it at home, like the rest of us with a big flat-screen TV. In a Starbucks. That's nice. Badger: That ain't me, man! I was the guy who was selling meth. Allegedly. Saul: All right. I got you. Meth. Right. Sorry, that was a little transpositional error. Nothing a little Wite-Out can't take care of. And a felony quantity. Badger: Just barely. Saul: Yeah, just barely. The cops around here are like butchers, always got their thumbs on the scales. But good luck arguing that in court. Let me get down to brass tacks. I'm going to get you a second phone call. You're gonna call your mommy or your daddy or your parish priest or your Boy Scout leader, and they're going to deliver me a check for $4,650. I'll write that down on the back of my business card. And I need that in a cashier's check or a money order, doesn't matter. Actually, I want it in a money order. And make it out to Ice Station Zebra Associates. That's my loan-out. It's totally legit. It's done just for tax purposes. After that, we can discuss Visa or MasterCard, but definitely not American Express, so don't even ask. Any questions? Badger: You're gonna get me off, right? Saul: I look like your high school girlfriend? Five fingers, no waiting? That's a joke, Brandon. Lighten up. Son, I promise you this. I will give you the best criminal defense that money can buy. Scene: Hallway Saul: Francesca, I took these already. Didn't I take these already? Look, it's on your head. You're not supposed to double up on Vitamin A. It's bad for the liver. Okay, who's next? Did him. I did him. That one went public defender. Thanks for nothing. What happened to my masturbator? You got me all turned around. Hang on. I'll get back to you. Gentlemen, I sense you're discussing my client. Anything you care to share with me? Hank: Sure. Your commercials? They suck ass. I've seen better acting in an epileptic whorehouse. Saul: Is that like the one your mom works at? Is she still offering the two-for-one discount? DEA, huh? For a street bust. Now, what would two feds want with that little twerp? Scene: Parking Lot Jesse: Sooner or later, this was gonna happen. You want your exponential growth, guys are gonna get busted. Simple as that. Walter: So how about we get him a real attorney? I mean, what the hell is this? This is who he hires? Jesse: What? Are you kidding me? This is the guy you want. This is the guy I'd hire. Walter: Oh, it's the guy you'd hire. Jesse: Look, you remember Emilio? This dude got Emilio off, like, twice. Both times, they had him d*ad to rights, yo. And then poof! Dude's like Houdini. Seriously, when the going gets tough, you don't want a criminal lawyer. You want a "criminal" lawyer. Know what I'm saying? Look, we're in good shape, Mr. White. Badger's way too loyal to roll. Plus he's scared shitless of me. We pay four large. Cost of business. Take it out of his payroll. And it's only his first dealing rap, so worst case scenario? They plead him out, he does five months picking up litter in an orange jumpsuit. Walter: So who goes inside? I don't need them seeing my face. Jesse: I don't need them seeing my face. Walter: Why not? You look like his typical clientele. Jesse: Dick. Walter: Fine. We'll flip for it. Call it. Jesse: Heads. Scene: Saul’s Waiting Room Francesca: Mayhew? Mr. Mayhew? Scene: Saul’s Office Saul: Mr. Mayhew. Nice of you to come down. Please. Look at you. Should I call the FBI and tell them I found D.B. Cooper? Joking. Please, come on. Come on. Please. Saul Goodman. Please sit. So it's a shame that we have to meet under these circumstances. I believe you have something for me? Mayhew. Is that Irish or English? Walter: Irish. Saul: Faith and begorrah! A fellow potato-eater. My real name's McGill. The Jew thing I just do for the homeboys. They all want a pipe-hittin' member of the tribe, so to speak. I digress. Good things are happening. Fact is, your nephew's gonna get out in no time. Walter: That's wonderful. Saul: There's still a few details to be ironed out, but now that the DEA is involved, I think he's looking at time served and probation. So leave your number with Francesca, and we'll be in touch. Walter: Excuse me, the DEA? Saul: That's the Drug Enforcement Administration. The feds. I hope that I'm not the breaker of bad news, but your nephew got mixed up with some pretty nasty customers. Walter: I understand that. But what does that have to do with the DEA? Saul: They're after some mystery man, some heavy-hitter that goes by the name Heisenberg. They want this guy like the ax wants the turkey. Seems young Brandon may have information that could lead to his arrest. Jesus, cheer up! This is good news. I mean, Brandon fell head-first into the doo-doo pile and came up smelling like Paco Rabanne. Walter: Look, look. I just think that we should review our options. Saul: Options? I'm gonna tell you what your options are. And you got a grand total of two. Option A, Brandon takes the deal. Option B, Brandon goes up to the penitentiary and gets his rectum resized about yay big. Walter: Look, look. What about reprisals? I mean, if Badger, if Brandon informs on this Heisenberg I mean, what if, God forbid, that they decide to take revenge? Saul: What have you been telling him? The kid keeps spouting off about "if I talk, they'll k*ll me." Right now, he's the only thing holding up this deal. Walter: Good. Saul: No, that's not good. That's terrible. Trust me, sir, your nephew won't last in prison two weeks. You let him take his chances on the outside. Maybe I can work in some witness protection. Walter: No, look, look. These are vicious, desperate people. I've been told that one of them k*lled another man by crushing his head with an ATM machine. Saul: People love to take credit for the fun ones. The guy who got his head smooshed used to be a client of mine. His wife k*lled him, all right? It was open and shut. Trust me, you folks have nothing to worry about, okay? I'm gonna set your nephew straight, get him singing like a canary, all's right with the world. Walter: $10,000. Cash to you. I'm not saying to throw the case. Just no talking to the DEA. Saul: Are you saying what I think you're saying? Scene: Parking Lot Jesse: What's it going to be? That dude wouldn't take a bribe? That dude in there? Saul Goodman we're talking about? Walter: "Morally outraged," he said. thr*at to call the police. Jesse: And Badger's gonna spill? Walter: Like the Exxon Valdez. Jesse: So what do we do about it? Scene: Parking Lot Saul: Francesca, how about I follow you home? Francesca: No! Saul: For safety! What? God, you are k*lling me with that booty. Scene: Desert Saul: Talk to me, guys! Come on. Just tell me what you want! Jesus! No no no! It wasn't me! It was Ignacio! He's the one! ¡Siempre! ¡Soy amigo! ¡Siempre soy amigo del cartel! Jesse: Shut up! Shut up! All right, just speak English. Saul: Lalo didn't send you? No Lalo? Jesse: Who? Saul: Thank God! I thought...what can I do for you, gentlemen? Anything! Just tell me what you need. Jesse: This afternoon, an associate of ours offered you $10,000. You should have taken it! Saul: Wait a minute. This is in regards to what's-his-name? Jesse: Badger! Brandon Mayhew. Saul: The uncle. That was your guy? No offense, guys, but I don't take bribes from strangers, you know? Better safe than sorry. That's my motto. But I'll take your money! Sure! Jesse: Nah. That offer's expired, yo. Saul: It was kind of low anyways. But okay, okay, I'll take it. Just tell me what you need. I'm easy. I'm going to keep a happy thought and assume this is just a negotiating tactic. Jesse: All right, listen to me very carefully. You are going to give Badger Mayhew the best legal representation ever. But no deals with the DEA! All right? Badger will not identify anyone to anybody. If he does, you're d*ad! Saul: Why don't you just k*ll Badger? Follow me, guys, but if a mosquito's buzzing around you, it bites you on the ass, you don't go g*n for the mosquito's attorney. You go grab a flyswatter. I mean, so to speak. I mean, all due respect, do I have to spell this out for you? Jesse: We're not k*lling Badger, yo! Saul: Then you got real problems. 'Cause the DEA is gonna come down on your boy like a proverbial ton of bricks. I don't think I'm going out on a limb here, but he's not gonna like prison. He's gonna sing like Celine Dion regardless of what you do to me. Mr. Mayhew? I recognize your cough. Take that mask off. Get some air. Go on. Take it easy! Breathe in, breathe out. I'm gonna stand up, all right? 'Cause I got bad knees. That's better. Now listen. The three of us are gonna work this out. Walter: How? Saul: First things first, you're gonna put a dollar in my pocket, both of you. You want attorney-client privilege? So that everything you say is strictly between us. I mean it! Put a dollar in my pocket. Come on, make it official. Come on, do it! That's it. Come on. Just a dollar. All right, now you, ski bum. Come on. Give with the dollar. Go on. Be smart. What? Jesse: All I got's a 5. Saul: I'll take a 5! Come on, already. Come on. Be cool. You're now both officially represented by Saul Goodman and Associates. Your secrets are safe with me under thr*at of disbarment. Take the ski mask off. I feel like I'm talking to the Weather Underground. Walter: Do it. Saul: So if a prison shanking is completely off the table and we're sure of that? Jesse: No shanking! Saul: Then the way I see it is somebody's going to prison. It's just a matter of who. Scene: Interrogation Room Hank: All right. Lame-ass TV ads aside, your lawyer here, he cooked you up a pretty k*ller deal. Time served, no probation. He's pretty slick. Couldn't believe the judge went for it. Don't get cocky. You ain't home free yet. You don't give us the name of your supplier, you're going nowhere. Saul: Agent, the tough guy act is unnecessary. This young man is cooperating fully. Hank: Is that right? You cooperating? Let's start with a name. Badger: He just goes by Heisenberg. Hank: How old's this Heisenberg? Badger: Old. Like 50 or 70 or something. Hank: Height? Badger: Average, I guess. Medium height, medium weight. Hank: What color hair? Badger: No hair. Dude's balder than you. Scene: Saul’s Office Saul: 1963, James Edward Kilkelly is convicted of stealing a vending machine. 1975, breaking and entering. 1982, grand theft auto. 1984, armed robbery. 1987, 1992. You get the idea. And here he is today. Better known today as Jimmy In-'n-Out. City, State, and Federal. He's spent 44 of the last 58 years inside. An entire life behind bars. Jimmy provides a very special service. For a price, Jimmy will go to prison for you. Jesse: On purpose? The guy goes to prison on purpose? Saul: He's actually more comfortable inside. The outside world hasn't been too kind to him. Sometime during the Clinton administration, Jimmy figured out how he could use his talents to turn a profit. Walter: When does all this happen? Saul: It's already happening. The buy is set for tomorrow. Cops bust Jimmy, Badger gets out, everybody's happy, and all it's gonna cost you is 80,000 and one pound of your finest meth. Walter: $80,000 for eight years of his life, huh? Saul: First of all, he's not gonna do eight years. I'm gonna represent him, and I guarantee there's gonna be some unexpected problems with the prosecution's case. Secondly, he gets 30. Walter: You get 50? For what? Saul: For facilitating. Who's taking a bigger risk? He likes prison. You did bring the cash, didn't you? Look, if this option is too expensive, you can still always Badger in the chow line. Conscience gets expensive, doesn't it? All right. Scene: Bench Cop: There's our boy. Right on time. Jesse: Go back. Walter: What? All right. So what do you think? Did they see us? Jesse: I think we're good. Badger looks like he's gonna throw up. Walter: Give me those back. Just give them to me! Where the hell is Jimmy? He should have been here ten minutes ago. Jesse: You think Jimmy's actually for real? A guy who wants to be in prison? Walter: There's more than one kind of prison. Jesse: What the hell is that supposed to mean? Walter: Wait a minute. Jesse: What? What? Let me see. Who the hell is that? Walter: I don't know. Cop: Mr. Heisenberg, I presume. Time to move? Hank: Not till we see the exchange. Jesse: What? Now he shows. Badger: Okay, let's do this. Jesse: Oh my God. Jimmy's on the wrong bench. Crap! We are screwed! What are you doing? Cop: I don't get it. What's the holdup? Badger: Where's the stuff, man? Jesse: Where are we going? Walter: Just shut up. Get out. Go stop him. Jesse: The DEA is right there. If they see me, we're screwed. Walter: Get out. I'll do something. Jesse: What? Walter: Go! Hank, I thought that was you! Cop: Schrader, I'm blocked. Hank: Not a good time. Walter: How you doing? Are you feeling okay? Cop: Schrader, I'm blocked. Hank: We're working. You gotta get out of here. Walter: You're working? Like DEA working? Is something going down? Jesse: Wrong guy! Wrong guy! Other bench. Hank: Move your ass now! Walter: Okay. I'll go and leave you alone. Hank: We'll talk about it later. Just floor it! Floor it! Walter: Forward is better? I'll be out of the way then? I'm sorry. All right? I'm sorry. I'll leave you alone. Hank: We'll talk later. Just go. Cop: Where'd he go? Where the hell'd he go? Wait. Got him. Looks like it's going down. Take 'em! Walter: I think they bought it. Cop: Absolutely. Textbook bust, sir. Yes, sir. Looks like we got a full pound of the blue stuff. And Heisenberg's real name? James Kilkelly. Thank you very much. It was my pleasure. Scene: Jesse’s Apartment Jane: You weren't home, so I let the delivery guys in. I hope that's okay. Jesse: Absolutely. Jane: So you bought a bed. What is that? A king? Pillow top? Scene: Walter’s Classroom Saul: Oh my God. You really are a chemistry teacher. You mind? I was terrible at chemistry. I'm more of a humanities guy. Walter: How did you find me? Saul: We should talk about that. It should be much, much harder for people to track you down. My P. I. charged me for three hours, so I seriously doubt it took him more than one. Walter: So this is what, blackmail? Saul: Walter, I'm your lawyer. Anything you say to me is totally privileged. I'm not in the shake-down racket. I'm a lawyer. Even drug dealers need lawyers, right? Especially drug dealers. Walter: So what, you're just doing this out of the kindness of your heart? Saul: Come on. Have you seen my hourly rate? By the way, where do you keep the money? Is it in your mattress? Is it in a jelly jar, buried in the side yard? You know, this kid Mayhew may be the first of your guys to get picked up, but he won't be the last. And if I can find you, how far behind can the cops be? Walter: I don't understand. What exactly are you offering to do for me? Saul: What did Tom Hagen do for Vito Corleone? Walter: I'm no Vito Corleone. Saul: No shit! Right now, you're Fredo. But with some sound advice and the proper introductions, who knows? I'll tell you one thing, you've got the right product. Anything that gets the DEA's panties in this big a bunch you're onto something special. And I would like to be a small and silent part of it. Food for thought, yeah? So if you want to make more money and keep the money that you make "Better call Saul!"

{"type": "series", "show": "Breaking Bad", "episode": "2x08 - Better Call Saul"}

foreverdreaming

Scene: Waiting Room Marie: These people. Pathetic. I already read that one anyway. Kleinman has better magazines. Walter: You know, you guys really don't need to hang around. We won't even get the results till next week. Hank: Buddy, we're going to be here. You kidding me? Marie: It is a full PET/CT, correct? You definitely want the PET/CT and not just the PET. Skyler: It's a PET/CT. Marie: Good. That's what you want. Some places skimp, and they only do the PET. I'm not naming any names, but I just still don't understand why you don't go to Kleinman. Skyler: This is where Walt's doctor is. Marie: With us, you wouldn't have to wait until next week to get the results. I'm sorry, but these scans are not that difficult to read. I could take one look at Walt's and tell you immediately how he's doing. Really. Doctors like people to think that they're so much smarter than the technicians, but you would be surprised how much they come to us for input. Walter: Never turn down a chance to h*t the bathroom, huh? Excuse me. Scene: Restroom Guy: You all right in there? You okay? Walter: I'm fine, thank you. Scene: X-Ray Room Technician: Sir, you can go back to your changing room and get dressed. Walter: So, how'd we do? Technician: You did fine. Walter: See anything? Technician: I'm just a technician, Mr. White. Dr. Delcavoli will go over the results with you next week. Scene: Saul’s Office Saul: Sorry. Actually, the money laundering aspect is fairly straightforward. But I gotta tell ya, the not-telling-your-wife aspect? Most people want to know why they suddenly got rich. Walter: If she finds out, it's after I'm gone. Saul: How much time they giving you? Walter: Weeks. Maybe. Saul: Sorry to hear it. I was hoping we could make some real money together. Oh, well. Let's crunch some numbers. How much money are we laundering? Walter: At this time, $16,000. Saul: How long have you been doing this? Walter: We've had some extenuating circumstances. Saul: Apparently. All right, 16,000 laundered at 75 cents on the dollar, minus my fee, which is 17%, comes to $9,960. Congratulations. You just left your family a second hand Subaru. Walter: We'll just have to cook more, a lot more. Saul: Yeah, that's my legal opinion. Make hay while the sun is still shining. Scene: White Residence Skyler: You know, we should do something this weekend. Get our minds off the test results? Walter: Actually, I'm thinking I should go see Mom. Skyler: Really? Walter: You know, I never did call her. Skyler: You're expecting the news from the scan to be bad. God. I need you to stay positive with me here. I am. Walter: Positive is good. I'm all for positive, but positive doesn't change facts. All right? It doesn't change the need to be prepared. Skyler: I know. I'm just trying to be hopeful, okay? You know? Forgive me. Walter: Look, I need to know Mom's going to leave you something if I'm no longer around. I just need to get that straight. That's all. And believe me, I'm going to earn every penny of it, too. Complaining about her nurses the entire time. "Juanita is hiding my ashtray." A 30-minute discourse about how the sugar packets are suddenly disappearing. And, oh, she's counting every one of them. You know? I'll be lucky if I get a word in edgewise. Skyler: I actually think the news from the scan is going to be good. Perhaps you should prepare for that. Scene: Jesse’s Apartment Jane: We should do something. Jesse: Yeah, we should. Jane: No, something else. We should go somewhere. Have you been to the Georgia O'Keeffe Museum? Jesse: Is that the one with the A-b*mb? Jane: Georgia O'Keeffe. She's a painter. You've never heard of Georgia O'Keeffe? Jesse: Who is it? Jane: Boy, you need some educating. Jesse: Yes, I do. Come here. Jane: Why don't we go up to Santa Fe? We'll make a day of it. Jesse: You want to go all the way to Santa Fe for a museum? Jane: Yep, we're going. Get up. Jesse: Why can't we just go to the movies or putt-putt? It's the shit. Jane: A little culture won't k*ll you. Besides, you might like it. A lot of her paintings look like vaginas. Jesse: Really? Jane: Is there still cereal? Jesse: Yo, if I know you, leave a message. Walter: Where the hell are you? Pick up the phone. Hello, Jesse. Pick up. Jesse: Hold on, hold on. Sorry. One sec. What? Walter: I've been trying to reach you. Where's your drop phone? Jesse: I've been busy. Walter: Clear your social calendar. We have to cook. Jesse: What? Today? Walter: No. You'll need today at least to gather supplies. Now, we're going to need all new glassware, heating mantles, and about a hundred pounds of ice. Do you have a paper and pencil? You should be writing this down. Jesse: Go shopping yourself. I got plans. Walter: Smoking marijuana, eating Cheetos, and mastarbating do not constitute plans in my book. Jesse: Screw you and your book, man. I'm going to a museum in Santa Fe, not like you need to know. Walter: You're going to a museum? Jesse: Georgia O'Keeffe. Walter: Georgia O’Keeffe? Jesse: She's a painter? Duh? She does these vagina pictures. Or paintings. Or just painted. I don't know. Walter: What are you even talking about? Jesse: Why am I explaining myself to you? It's none of your damn business what I'm doing. All you need to know is I ain't cooking, shopping or whatever. Walter: Let me explain something to you. You and I need to cook through to next Tuesday. Jesse: Tuesday? Four days straight? Walter: Like it or not, we have no choice. Jesse: And why, exactly, is that? Walter: Our methylamine. It's going bad. Jesse: What? Walter: It's losing its chemical potency. Now, unless stealing another barrel sounds good to you. Jesse: Hell, no. Walter: We have to act fast before it goes to waste. You have paper and pencil? Come on. Jesse: All right, all right. Go. Scene: Airport Skyler: I wish you didn't have to do this. Walter: Me, too. But I'll be back before you know it, and you can always call if you need me. Skyler: And risk talking to your mother? That'd have to be some emergency. Love you. Fly safe, okay? Walter: You brought a meth lab to the airport? Jesse: What? You said we were in a hurry. I saved us a trip. Walter: Did you get everything? All six? With reflux condensers? Yes, like I said. Just go. Drive. Go, go. Jesse: Good morning to you, too, man. Scene: Desert Walter: Three entire bags of Funyuns? Jesse: What? Funyuns are awesome. Walter: God. Jesse: More for me. Walter: How about something with some protein, maybe? Something green, huh? Jesse: Man, I'm getting no service. Walter: How are you even alive? Jesse: Yo, check your phone. You get any bars? Walter: I've got a signal. Jesse: Let me use yours, would ya? Walter: Absolutely not. I have to assume Skyler checks my phone records. You know that. Jesse: It's not business. It's personal. Walter: Oh, personal. What, female? Jesse: Maybe. Walter: Absolutely, that's all I need. Skyler hits "redial" and some stripper answers. Jesse: Look, she's not a stripper. Okay, dickwad? Walter: Sorry. My wife checks. Drinking water? Is that all we've got? Ten gallons? Jesse: What, you planning on taking a bath in it? Walter: Oh, God. Not there. That is our work station. Jesse: Our work station. Walter: That's right. Why don't you try to find a place where it won't get lost? Considering this is our only set and we are a million miles from nowhere. Jesse: Why don't you try sticking them up your ass sideways? Jesse: 2.35 pounds. Walter: 2.35. Jesse: That's the last of it. How many total? Walter: 19. Jesse: Dollar-wise? How much? Walter: Well, median weight 2.2 pounds. That's 41.8, call it 42 pounds at...what are we selling it for these days? Jesse: 40 a pound. Walter: $40,000? Jesse: You said raise the prices. Walter: All right, that's 40 times 42, minus distribution charges. Jesse: What? What? Walter: $672,000. Jesse: All that? Walter: Each. Jesse: Each? Walter: Each. Jesse: Six hundred and... Walter: Seventy-two thousand dollars each. Jesse: Each! Yes! Hell, yeah! Come high, baby! Come on! Yes! Come on! Well, there goes the generator. I think that's it for the gas. Perfect timing, yo. Walter: How do you figure that? Jesse: What do you mean? We're done cooking. Walter: I am not done until this barrel is empty. Look at that. I'd say we still got 10, 12 gallons of methylamine. Come on, where's your ambition? Jesse: Jesus. Seriously? We are way ahead of schedule. Plus, the genny needs gas, we're almost out of propane, and my back is k*lling me from that piece-of-crap cot. Come on, can we at least just take the night off. Look, I don't have to take you back till Tuesday, right? So we come back tomorrow, strap on the sizzle and glass up the rest. Come on! There's got to be a Denny's out there someplace. Grand Slam? A hot shower? A bed? Walter: Separate rooms. Jesse: That's a given. The battery's d*ad. Walter: Jesse, back when I asked you to put the keys in a safe place, where did you put them? Jesse: I left 'em right here in the ignition. Walter: Son of a bitch. Jesse: This is not my fault. The buzzer didn't buzz. Walter: The what? Jesse: The buzzer. It buzzes when you put the keys in to let you know that the battery's on. I know that. It didn't buzz. Look, I didn't turn the key or anything. I'm not stupid. Did you hear the buzzer buzz? It's faulty. It's a faulty mechanism. Walter: Is this a genetic thing with you? Is it congenital? Did your mother drop you on your head when you were a baby? Jesse: The buzzer did not buzz, and you made me move the keys in the first place, remember? Walter: I see your point. Your imbecility being what it is, I should have known to say, "Jesse, don't leave the keys in the ignition the entire two days!" Jesse: I wanted to leave them on the counter, bitch! Oh, I'm sorry. The work station. Walter: All right, so we need to jump the battery somehow. Jesse: How? Jesse: You going to be okay? Walter: Damn it. Jesse: What's it taste like? Bad, huh? Walter: This is good. Right here. There. Here. Red to red, black to black. Positive, negative. All right. Start it up. Jesse: The hell's wrong with this thing? Walter: You have to really pull. Jesse: I am. Walter: Really pull. Not like a girl. Jesse: You know what? Pull this. I am pulling. It just needs to warm up a little. Oh, Jesus. Walter: Well done. As always. Just, well done. Jesse: God. Come on, you bitches. Hear me now. Damn it! This is stupid. Okay, now we have to use your phone. Walter: This is ruined. Do you understand? Just ruined. Jesse: I understand you hooked it up wrong and you blew it up. Walter: That is not what happened. Jesse: How do you know? Walter: I wasn't the one who dumped out the last of our water. That's what I know. Jesse: There was a f*re. Excuse me for thinking on my feet. Walter: Is that, you were thinking. Now that we have identified the problem. You and thinking, that's the problem. Jesse: Look, somebody is going to have to pick us up. Your wife is not going to notice one little call. Mr. White, come on. Walter: All right, look. Make it snappy. The roaming drains the battery. Jesse: All right. Yo, Skinny, hey. Listen, I need you to come pick us up. Now, all right? We're stuck out here. You got a pen for directions? A pencil's fine, ret*rd. Just something to write with. It doesn't matter. All right, so you ready? So you're going to head west on the 40 for, like, what, 30 miles? And you're just gonna go past the casino with the big arrows in the parking lot. Big arrows, giant arrows. They light up and blink and shit. You can't miss them. But then you're gonna want to take it slow because there's this dirt road right before this white sign with a 3 on it, okay? Now, you're going to be way, way out in the boonies, okay? Like, crazy far, so you just got to keep heading down that dirt road for what? Walter: About another 15 miles. Jesse: Really? That far? Walter: Hurry up. The battery. Jesse: Just go down that road for, like, 15 more miles. I mean, we're way the hell out here. And yo, listen. Bring water. Leave now. Here. He's coming. Jesse: There was this guy on the Discovery Channel who broke his leg mountain biking, and he had to drink urine for, you know, just until the forest ranger found him. He said it tasted like really hot, really old soda. We should just call. You know? I'll be quick. Just be like, "Yo, where are you?" Walter: All right. Jesse: Come on. Yo, where are you? So you saw the white sign? He's almost here. Oh, man. We're getting really freaked out. All right, so you're on the dirt road? He's on the dirt road. Good. You just crossed the river? Have you seen anything? Walter: Wait, wait. What river? What river? What the hell river you talking about, man? There's no river. Can you...phone's d*ad. Now what? What now? Walter: Come on. Seriously? Jesse: What's this? Walter: I'm trying to trickle-charge the battery. Jesse: Seriously? Just by turning that thing? Walter: The commutator. It's the part which generates the electricity. Usually, this little piston engine turns it, but considering it's lying here completely totaled...anyway. Apply a little elbow grease. It'll take longer. A lot longer. But theoretically, it should work. Jesse: Theoretically. Walter: It has to work. You understand? Jesse: Can I try? How much longer? Walter: I don't know. Jesse: You hanging in? Walter: I'm good. Jesse: It's got to be ready by now. Right? Walter: Give it a little longer, just to make sure we're... Jesse: Methylamine doesn't spoil, does it? That's not why we're here. Lie much? Push. Come on. Please. God. Please. Why couldn't I have just gone to Santa Fe? Why? What are you doing? Walter: I had this coming. Jesse: What? Walter: I have it coming. I deserve this. Jesse: You snap out of it. First off, everything you did, you did for your family. Right? Walter: All I ever managed to do was worry and disappoint them and lie. God. All the lies. I can't even I can't even keep them straight in my head anymore. Jesse: You know what? Screw this. I'm walking. You can come or not. Where's my other shoe? Walter: Jesse, your body is running dangerously low on electrolytes. Sodium, potassium, calcium. And when they're gone, your brain ceases to communicate with your muscles. Your lungs stop breathing, your heart stops pumping. You go marching out there, and within an hour, you will be d*ad. Jesse: You need to cut out all your loser cry-baby crap right now and think of something scientific! Walter: Something scientific, right. Jesse: What? Come on. You're smart. You made poison out of beans. All right, look. We got an entire lab right here. All right? How about you take some of these chemicals and mix up some rocket fuel? That way, you can just send up a signal flare. Or you make some kind of robot to get us help, or a homing device or build a new battery or...wait. No. What if we just take some stuff off of the RV and build it into something completely different? Like a dune buggy. That way, we can just dune buggy...What is it? What? Walter: Do you have any money? Change, I mean. Coins. Jesse: I got a bunch of them. Walter: Then gather them. And washers and nuts and bolts and screws and whatever little pieces of metal we can think of that is galvanized. It has to be galvanized or solid zinc. Jesse: Solid zinc, right. Walter: And bring me brake pads. The front wheels should have discs. Take them off and bring them to me. Jesse: Brake pads. What are we building? Walter: You said it yourself. Jesse: A robot? Walter: A battery. Move! Jesse: This doesn't look like any battery I ever saw. Walter: Well, trust me. It is a battery. Or rather, one cell of a battery. Here. Cut up the last two sponges. Remember the electrolytes? Think about it. A battery is a galvanic cell. It's no more than an anode and a cathode separated by an electrolyte, right? Jesse: Right. Walter: Well, anyway. On one side, we have mercuric oxide and graphite from your brake pads. This is the cathode. This is the positive terminal. This is where the supply of current flows out from. You see? Then, here, I'll show you. On the opposite side is our anode. This, it's zinc. It's what we find in our coins and anything galvanized. Jesse: So, the sponge is the electrolyte? Walter: No, the potassium hydroxide is the electrolyte. But yes, that's what I'm soaking the sponges in. Good. Good. And now, what shall we use to conduct this beautiful current with? What one particular element comes to mind? Jesse: A wire. Walter: Copper. Jesse: Well, I mean... Walter: It's copper. The only question now is will this supply enough current? And how many cells will we need? Maybe we've only got enough material for six. Put the lid on. Wait. Positive. Cathode. Anode. Damn. That is good. That's very good. Here we go. Scene: Airport Jesse: How's the... Walter: It's fine. I know I can trust you to… Jesse: Yeah. Whatever happens, your family will get your share. So I'll be hearing from you. Scene: Doctor’s Office Dr. Delcavoli: How's everyone doing? Is that baby ever going to come out, you think? Skyler: I know enough already. It's… Dr. Delcavoli: I'm teasing. Everything in its time. Walt, I have your scan results. And you're showing signs of remission. Marie: My God. Dr. Delcavoli: I want to clarify. There are some misconceptions about what remission signifies. It does not mean that the patient is cured. To classify someone as in remission, we only need to determine that the tumor hasn't grown. Hank: That it hasn't grown? Jesus. Dr. Delcavoli: Technically speaking, a tumor can remain the exact same size it was before and the patient could still be in remission. Now, in Walt's case, with a stage 3 adenocarcinoma, I like to see, I hope to see at least a 25 to 35% reduction in tumor mass, something to tell me that the cancer has responded to the therapy. Everybody still with me? Walter: And how has my cancer responded? Dr. Delcavoli: Your tumor has shrunk by 80%. Walter: My God. Skyler: Wait, I'm sorry. I'm really confused. Isn't 80% a lot? Walter Jr: Mom. Skyler: Okay, but, I'm… Walter: Sweetheart, you were right. It's very good news. It's very good news. Skyler: Are you kidding me? Hank: Just when I try to get out, they pull me back in. Dr. Delcavoli: Now, that cough is the other thing we need to discuss. According to your scan, Walt, you have radiation pneumonitis. It's okay. This is fairly common. See that scary-looking thing there? That's tissue inflammation. That's a reaction to your radio therapy. It's usually not serious, but it can produce a cough like that. I'll prescribe some prednisone. Walter: Tissue inflammation? Are you sure about that? Because the other day, I was coughing up some blood. Skyler: What? Dr. Delcavoli: You probably have a tear in your esophagus from the coughing, and that can be very serious. You could rupture and bleed to death. We're going to have to deal with that before you leave here today. Skyler: Wait a minute. When did this happen? Why didn't you tell me? Walter: I'm sorry. I… Dr. Delcavoli: No more secrets, Walt. With something like this, you have to call me. Immediately. Now, with these results, we're not completely out of the woods. But now at least we have some options. The most important of which is time. We'll have more to discuss in the next few weeks. But for now, I'd say that you folks have earned some celebrating.

{"type": "series", "show": "Breaking Bad", "episode": "2x09 - 4 Days Out"}

foreverdreaming

Scene: White Residence Skyler: You're not thinking about going to work today, are you? Walter: Thought I would. That inhaler really seems to be doing the trick. What? Skyler: Just take the rest of the week. Please. You've earned it. Don't push it. Besides, I want you well for the weekend. Walter Jr: Mom wants to par-tay. Skyler: It's just a little get-together, that's all. Sunday afternoon, maybe? Nothing too big. Just family and a few friends. We've got a lot to celebrate. Don't you think? Walter: Sounds good. Skyler: Now, what are you supposed to do today? Walter: Nothing. Skyler: Excellent. Brownie points for taking a nap. Walter: Can you meet? Scene: Restaurant Jesse: I thought maybe you might have, you know, kicked. Signed off. I was even checking the obits. Walter: No such luck. Jesse: So where does it stand? Coughing up blood, giving speeches like, "I deserve this. I'm an assh*le." What's the upshot? Walter: The upshot. The upshot is that I have radiation pneumonitis. Jesse: Damn. Walter: Actually, it's not as bad as it sounds. It's a fairly common occurrence, easily treated. In fact, the news is all good. Jesse: What do you mean, good? You mean, like, good good? You mean, like, remission good? Walter: Remission. Not to imply I'm cured. I still have cancer. But there's been a significant reduction in the tumors. Jesse: How significant? Walter: 80%. Jesse: Dude! No way! Walter: Now, I'm not out of the woods yet, not by any stretch, but "options" is the word they keep bandying about. Jesse: That's awesome! Serious? That's great, man. I mean, my aunt, she never I mean, at your stage, I didn't think that could happen. Mr. White, you kicked its ass, yo! You must be so psyched. Walter: Of course. I am. Now we. I mean, what do we... Jesse: I almost forgot. So, how do you want to, you know, proceed in light of this kick-ass news? Walter: We'll take our time and stay cautious. Sell off what we have. And then I guess I'm done. Scene: White Residence Skyler: Everyone? Hey, you guys. I would like to make a toast, with my non-alcoholic beverage. Hank: Somebody k*ll the music. Skyler: I know one party can't begin to repay all your support and your many, many kindnesses. But then again, Hank does make one mean margarita. We really do want to thank you. These last few months have been a challenging time, to put it mildly. But I have to say Walt's come through it like a champ. Honey, I'm so proud of you. I'm gonna stop with the sappy stuff. But it's true. It really is. And for the first time in a long time, we are so excited about the future. Anyway, I want to also express my gratitude to two very special people who couldn't be here today. But they send their regrets and their warm wishes. Gretchen and Elliott Schwartz, for those of you who don't know them are well, they're heroes. They are incredibly generous friends who made the amazing offer to pay for Walt's treatment. And they did. So to Gretchen and Elliott. Hank: How about the man of the hour? Come on! Walter: It's kind of funny. When I got my diagnosis, cancer, I said to myself, "Why me?" And then, the other day, when I got the good news I said the same thing. Anyway, thank you for coming. Enjoy. Cheers. Hank: Tell you what. I gotta give those bastards points for originality. I'll tell you that much. A little mercury switch, that's how those cartel boys party. Walter Jr: But why a turtle? Hank: That's the best part. It was a, what the hell's the word I'm looking for? Not a metaphor, not an analogy. It's a, what's the word I'm looking for? Anyway, "Tortuga." That was the name of our snitch. Bean-speak for "tortoise." Tortoise, turtle, what have you I never knew the difference myself. Top me off there, will you, buddy? Anyway, poetic. I guess, yeah. Poetic. It was poetic. That's the word. I guess that's the word. Walter: Go ahead. Hank: Better not let your mom see. I think I see a hair. Maybe two! Walter Jr: There's no worm in this, right? Hank: That would be Mescal. Talk about your hangovers, okay? I was down in Glynco, Georgia. I was back east, doing some training. Had this firearm instructor who was, he was a good ol' boy. There you go. Thanks. I mean, this guy could put 'em away like he had two livers, okay? Like a fish, okay? Like a drunk fish. We were drinking Mescal stupid. But...what are you doing there? Walter: What does it look like I'm doing? Hank: The kid's 16. What are you, going for Father of the Year? Walter: What are you looking at him for? We're celebrating. Come on. Hank: Listen, I'd take a pass on that one if I were you, okay? Think we've been bogarting this puppy long enough. Walter: Bring the bottle back. Hank: Sorry, buddy. No can do. Walter: My son! My bottle! My house! Hank: It's all right. Walter: What are you waiting for? Bring it back. Hank: Why don't we just call it a day? All right, pal? We good? Walter: The bottle. Now. Skyler: What's going on? Here, sweetie. Scene: Jesse’s Apartment Jesse: This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. You weren't supposed to wake up. Jane: Ever or? Jesse: I was just thinking that I'd bring it, you know, in. Jane: You want me to go back to bed? Jesse: I guess that'd be kind of... Jane: Need some help? Jesse: I got it. Just have a seat. Jane: Is there any coffee? Jesse: Yeah, shit. One second. Jane: At least let me do that. Jesse: I don't want you to have to do anything, you know? All right. Here. You take the good one. It's huevos rancheros. Jane: I can tell. Fork? Jesse: There you go. Jane: So what are you up to today? Working? Whatever that means. Jesse: Nope. I'm all yours. Jane: Really? Scene: White Residence Skyler: Hey, this is Skyler. Please leave me a message. Thanks. Walter: I just wanted to say that, we'll talk tonight, but I wanted to say that I'm not exactly sure who that was yesterday, but it wasn't me. I'm sorry. Love you. Scene: Beneke Ted: Hey, there. Who brought the churros? Skyler: That would be me. If I leave 'em at home, I'll wind up eating them all myself, so. They're actually leftovers. We had a little get-together for Walt. Ted: It wasn't his birthday, was it? Skyler: Actually, Walt's got, he's been battling cancer. And last week, we got good news. Ted: I'm so sorry. Skyler: But we're really optimistic. Ted: Great. Good news is great. Skyler: Yeah, it is. It really is. Ted: Feel free to bring these any time. Scene: Store Employee: Got some real beauts. Walter: You cannot b*at the thermal efficiency of the C3. Then again, what about t*nk? Employee: Sure. We got 'em. The good ones will really run up your price though. Set you back about 1,200. Walter: It's not an issue. Employee: You want installation, right? Walter: No. I'm gonna do it myself. Employee: That's what I like to hear. Scene: Jesse’s Apartment Jane: And who's this? This guy can surf without a board? Jesse: That's Hover Man. He can surf, skate, glide, whatever, 'cause he's always got a 6-inch cushion of air under his feet. Jane: That's cool. Great lines. And this guy? What's his superpower? Jesse: That's Kanga Man. Jane: Kanga Man. Half man, half kangaroo? And who's this in his pouch? Jesse: His sidekick Joey. He rides around in his pouch and, you know, fights crime. Jane: So that makes Kanga-man a she. You know that, right? Only female kangaroos have pouches. Jesse: I know. But, you know, it's definitely a dude. He's a product of experimentation. Jane: He's kind of hot, I guess. Nice haunches. And this is? Jesse: It's Backwardo. Wait, no. I actually changed it to Rewindo. Anyways, he goes backwards. He can make everything go in reverse. Jane: Time and stuff? Like time traveling? Jesse: No, he just walks backwards. Jane: He walks backwards. Is that a superpower? What good is that? Jesse: He does it, like, really fast. Look, say someone's coming at him with a Kn*fe. Right? It's helpful. Then he can just zip backwards away from 'em. I was a kid when I drew all these. It was, like, four years ago. Jane: They all look like you. Jesse: What? Jane: It's you in all of these. I wonder what a shrink would say if he saw them. Jesse: Shut up. Like you never wanted a superpower. Jane: Is that your door or mine? Jesse: I don't know. Jane: It sounds like mine. I gotta go. Jesse: Where? Where? Hold up. Where are you... Scene: Jane’s Frontdoor Jane: Hey, Dad. Donald: There you are. Hi, honey. I saw your car, so I was pretty sure you were home. Jane: Sorry. I was working. I had my headphones on. Donald: Finally realized that I wasn't the drum track? Jane: Exactly. Donald: I was in the neighborhood. Was wondering if you wanted to grab some lunch. Jane: Sure. Jesse: Hey. This your dad? Jane: This is the new tenant. Donald: Donald. Jesse: Jesse. Jane: I'm sorry. Did you need something? Dad, why don't you come in? It was nice seeing you. Donald: It was nice to meet you. Jesse: You, too. Scene: White Residence Walter Jr: Hey, Dad. Walter: Hey, son. Are you home early? Oh, man. Did you have a good day? Walter Jr: Now it is. Finally, hot water. No more toxic waste. Walter: Yes, indeed. Top-of-the-line, on demand, unlimited supply. Walter Jr: Sweet. Walter: Want to take her for a spin? Listen, why don't you go to the kitchen sink? Let me know when you're ready, and I'll give you a holler. The pilot in. Ignition. Bingo. Walter Jr: Ready! Walter: All right. Let her rip! Built-in corrosion resistant draft reducer, safety thermocouple at the pilot burner. Walter Jr: Sounds really good, Dad. Walter: And the energy savings. I mean….oh, careful, careful, careful. There's probably some adjustments I need to make there. Are you okay? Walter Jr: I'm fine. Walter: Son, about yesterday... Walter Jr: I'm sorry about the pool. Walter: No. That was not your fault. Not at all. Your old man embarrassed himself, and I'm not very proud of my behavior. I have to say I feel very foolish. Walter Jr: You and Uncle Hank, you seemed pissed off. Walter: We're fine. Everything's fine. I called him this morning and made my apologies. But, son, I owe you an apology most of all. I should have used better judgment all around. Having you drink in the first place, it was not right, and for that I'm very sorry. Walter Jr: But I kept up, right? You and Uncle Hank. I drank three. Walter: I have some tools to put away. Scene: Jesse’s Apartment Jane: You want to catch a movie later? What? Jesse: What was that all about? Jane: What? Jesse: Before. With your dad. Jane: It wasn't about anything. Jesse: So I totally just misread your total dis? Jane: If anything, I was doing you a favor. Jesse: A favor? Jane: I told you. He's a hard-ass. Jesse: He seemed cool to me. Jane: Yeah, well… Jesse: So what's the deal? Jane: There's no deal. I was helping you out, okay? Protecting you. Jesse: How's that? Jane: I mean, I'm letting you smoke in here and everything. Jesse: I bought a filter. Jane: And I figured the less he knows, the better. Jesse: You acted like you didn't even know me. Jane: So? Jesse: So? Jane: You think I'm going to be all like, "Dad, meet the stoner guy who lives next door. And by the way, I'm sleeping with him?” Jesse: That's all you think you're doing? Jane: Why do you even care about my dad? Jesse: I don't! Jane: Good. Then I don't know why we're talking about it. Jesse: Us. All right? I'm talking about us. Jane: Us? Jesse: You and me. Jane: Who's you and me? Jesse: I'm out of here. Scene: White Residence Walter Jr: Dad! Dad? Walter: What? Walter Jr: What are you doing? Walter: We've got rot. Walter Jr: Rot? Walter: I'll show you. Here. Take a look at that. See that? Ever seen anything like it? Walter Jr: It's wood. Walter: It's wood that contains fruiting bodies. Walter Jr: Fruity what? Walter: Fungus. And it is on a rampage. Walter Jr: I don't really see anything. Walter: Well, it's there. You just have to know where to look. Here. Then you cut it all out. You just cut it out and start fresh. Well, better get to it. Walter Jr: Is the whole house gonna collapse or something? Walter: Not if I can help it. Scene: Beneke Ted: You bucking for a promotion? Go home already. Skyler: I will. Can I just ask the Keller account. Ted: Keller account? Skyler: It's listed as a Current Asset on this balance sheet, but the invoice was never presented to Accounts Receivable, so. Ted: God. One of these days I'm going to have to sort through all the Dad stuff. He had so many "Don't worry about it, pay me Friday" relationships with these little companies. We'll figure it out tomorrow. Or not. Skyler: Right. Ted: Seriously, you're not gonna make me lock you in, are you? Skyler: Jesus. I'm fine. It's hormones. Honestly. It happens all the time. I'll see you tomorrow. Ted: What's wrong? Skyler: I guess it just doesn't feel any different. Ted: The good news? Skyler: I mean, nothing's really changed. It's just postponed. There was supposed to be a light at the end of the tunnel. But lately, it just feels like... Ted: More tunnel. Skyler: I'm sorry. I just feel so damn ungrateful. I don't know. Ted: For me, it was the flu. Skyler: What? Ted: My dad rallied at the end. I mean, it wasn't the full-on good news Walt got, different circumstances, but we were happy, we were over the moon. And right then, I got sick. Flu. Boom. Knocked me on my ass for days. Couldn't get out of bed, couldn't move. Great timing. And I wasn't even putting two and two together. I was just thinking, Why now? Being that rock, being that rock takes everything you got. Scene: White Residence Skyler: Are you going to work today? Walter: Skyler, there's rot. Scene: Beneke Skyler: Damn! Clumsy. Ted: I got it. Skyler: You don't have to do that. Scene: Store Walter: You're buying the wrong matches. Drug Dealer: What? Walter: Those matches. They're the wrong kind. Red phosphorus is found in the striker strips, not the matches themselves. You need to get the big 200-count box of individual matchbooks. More striker strips. You understand? Those only have the one. And don't buy everything in one place. Do it piecemeal. Different items, different stores. Attracts less attention. Are you following me here? Drug Dealer: There he is. That's the guy. Scene: Parking Lot Walter: Stay out of my territory.

{"type": "series", "show": "Breaking Bad", "episode": "2x10 - Over"}

foreverdreaming

Scene: Street Corner Combo: What's up? What you need? Yo, you buyin', or are you just stopping to envy? Punk bitches. Bounce, little man. Skinny, I'm up on 2nd and Hazeltine, getting eyeballed hard. I got a bad feeling, man. I need some backup. Get your ass up here now. Tomas: What's that thing in your ear? Combo: What did I say? Get out of here! What are you waiting for? Go! Scene: Doctor’s Office Dr. Delcavoli: We've made such headway with your treatments that now it's time we talked about sealing the deal. Dr. Bravenec: Absolutely. Dr. Delcavoli: As you know, my initial diagnosis was that your cancer was inoperable. That may no longer be the case. We think now that a lobectomy may be a viable option. Maybe a pretty good option. Dr. Bravenec is one of the few surgeons in the country performing lobectomies after full-dosage radiation. He's got a good track record. Dr. Bravenec: Pretty good. Skyler: It sounds aggressive. Dr. Bravenec: Yes. Very much so. Understand that if you don't have this surgery, you're just waiting for the cancer to spread. And it will. Now, through the treatment you've had already, we've bought you some time. Maybe a lot, probably a little, but that's all. In my opinion, if you're willing to take some risk, then this offers the best chance. Walter: How much would it cost? Dr. Bravenec: I'm not on your insurance. I'd say between 170,000 and 200,000, all in. For my part, I'd be willing to write off what I can, but mine isn't even the biggest expense. This is obviously a big decision. And you folks are gonna want to take some time to discuss it. Walter: I'll do it. Skyler: Don't you think we should at least talk this through first? Walter: I just think it's the way to go. Dr. Delcavoli: I have to say I think it's the right choice. I recommend that we let the pneumonitis heal for another couple of weeks, and then we'll have at it. Walter: That's tricky. Dr. Bravenec: When's the due date? Skyler: It's the 21st. Dr. Bravenec: I'll book the surgery for four weeks from now. That way, Walter can be on his feet for the birth of your daughter. But I wouldn't wait any longer. Scene: Walter’s Classroom Jesse: God. It's me. Where the hell were you? I called, like, 20 times. Walter: Working. What is it? Jesse: Combo's d*ad. sh*t. Walter: Which one is he? Jesse: You did not just say that to me. Walter: Jesse, listen… Scene: Jesse’s Apartment Jesse: Yeah, figures. What's the word on the street? Skinny Pete: No one's dropping no names. Combo rang me before it went down. Said dudes were mad-dogging him, trying to run him up off the corner. That's all I know. Why'd we have to go pushing into new turf, yo? I mean, what'd you expect? Jesse: I don't know. Skinny Pete: You don't know? Is that all you got? Jesse: I'll do right by Combo's people. Make sure you bust up your cell and toss it. We'll figure it out. Skinny Pete: I appreciate what you're saying and all, but with Combo gone and Badger laying low out in Cali I'm on probation, man. Fast track to Los Lunas. Jesse: We're on the verge of making some serious coin. What, you're gonna jump ship now? Skinny Pete: This game we playing, we don't got the street cred to survive it. Back when everyone thought you k*lled Spooge, maybe we were doing okay, but that whole thing to the head thing, the ATM? His junkie bitch copped to it. The whole town knows it wasn't you. Jesse: Everyone knows? Why didn't you say something? Skinny Pete: I don't know, man. 'Cause we like you and all. Jesse: I'm telling you, just sit tight. We'll get by. We'll make it. Skinny Pete: Sorry, Jesse. I'm out. Scene: Saul’s Office Walter: We have had a bit of a setback. Sorry, that's an accurate description. What else do you want me to call it? Jesse: How about your fault? How about that? Walter: Don't lay that on me. You are in charge of distribution. Jesse: You said expand the territory! Walter: That doesn't mean you become careless! Saul: Guys, guys! Who do I look like, Maury Povich? I'm not your marriage counselor. Now, you're professionals. Act like it. Now, setback. Go. Walter: One of our dealers was m*rder. It was some kind of turf dispute, and apparently we lost. And then everyone quit on us. We have absolutely no distribution. Saul: Is there any way any of this can be traced back to you? Now, the police, I'm talking about. There's your silver lighting. How about you? How's the health situation? Walter: It's better. Do you mind? Better? It's looking a little more positive. I may have more time than I thought. Saul: Outstanding. Now, as to your d*ad guy, occupational hazard. Drug dealer getting sh*t, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say it's been known to happen. Now, what about product on hand? How's your inventory? Jesse: 38 and change. Saul: 38 ounces? Grams? Jesse: Pounds. Walter: You did say make hay while the sun is shining. Saul: Guys! Why the long faces here? You're sitting on a gold mine. Walter: A gold mine we can't sell. We need a proper infrastructure. We need foot soldiers and dealers on a street level that are rock solid. We need muscle, and we need enforcers. Payback. That's what we need. God. I mean, this entire process has just been so, it's always been one step forward and two steps back. We need your help. Saul: Let's start with some tough love, all right? Ready for this? Here goes. You two suck at peddling meth. Period. So give up on trying to do it all yourselves. Hell, I'm amazed you got this far. Walter: Look, we are not going to deal with another high-level distributor. No, thank you. We have been down that road. Saul: What? Some tattooed speed-freak? What you two need is an honest-to-God businessman. Somebody who treats your product like the simple high-margin commodity that it is. Somebody who ships out of town, deals only in bulk. Someone who's been doing this for 20 years and never been caught. Walter: You know someone like that? Saul: Let's just say I know a guy who knows a guy. Who knows another guy. Let me make some calls, see if I can get you a meeting. Walter: Well, what's his name? Saul: I have no idea. He's very low profile. He's careful like that. From what I do hear about him, he sounds a little like you. Scene: Jesse’s Apartment Jesse: I need you to leave. Look, there's some stuff about me you don't know, and... Jane: Like you're a drug dealer? I kind of got that. You pay in cash, and you use an alias, so. Jesse: One of my guys, a friend who worked for me got m*rder. It was my fault. I put him on that corner. I'm gonna smoke some crystal, and I just think you should go, being that you're in a program and all and... Jane: You could come with me to a meeting. Jesse: No meetings. Jane: We could just get out of here. It won't help. Jesse: Yeah, it will. And I don't need you telling me that it won't. I just...alright, I really just need you to go. Scene: Los Pollos Hermanos Walter: You're late. Jesse: We're in the big time now. So where's the kingpin? Walter: Your guess is as good as mine. Jesse: So you get the dude's name? So let me get this straight. He's allowed to know all our names, what we look like, but not the other way around? Walter: Why don't you get yourself some food? Jesse: So we won't both sit here with our Happy Meals, looking like a couple chumps? Gustavo: Gentlemen, is everything to your satisfaction? Walter: Fine, thanks. Jesse: This is nothing but an ankle-grab. I don't get you, man. A week ago you talked like you were all ready to hang it up. Walter: We've nearly got 40 pounds we still need to sell. Jesse: What about after? After you're gonna make up some new magic number? Like, "I got bills. I got bills. I gotta make more." Walter: What do you want me to say, Jesse? Things have changed. Jesse: Oh, I know. We got a guy k*lled. You know what? This is bullshit. I'm out of here. Scene: Doctor’s Office Doctor: I think she's waking up from a nap. She is certainly going to want to get out and stretch those legs soon. We'll keep an eye on your fluids. You're on the low side of normal. Skyler: What? How low? Doctor: It's not a problem unless we see a growth drop-off, so we're good. We'll just have you in for an ultrasound next week and keep an eye on things. Walter: Oh, man, you would not believe the traffic. Skyler: That's why I left 40 minutes early. Walter: Sorry. What did I miss? Doctor: For your refrigerator. Walter: Oh, my God. Look at her. Look. God. Skyler: It's like she's here already. Doctor: I was just telling Skyler everything looks great. Okay, we've been talking about it for months now. It's time to make a decision. You know what I'm going to say? Skyler: The C-section? Doctor: And if it's a yes, we need to schedule it. Skyler: My last labor was pretty tough, so. For the baby, I say yes. Doctor: I agree, considering that your fluids are on the low side. It's best we take her a little early. So why don't we schedule it for a week from Friday? Skyler: Isn't that Friday the 13th? Scene: Parking Lot Walter: We have a birthday. Skyler: The 16th. I like it. You know, speaking of birthdays, I've got to run back to the office, so I will see you later? Walter: It's an hour before closing. You're supposed to be taking it easy. Skyler: We're having a little get-together for Ted's birthday and I've got to pick up the cake. Walter: Why you? Skyler: Because I said I would. It's the least I can do. Scene: Jesse’s Apartment Jesse: Let's get out of here. You know, go do something. Seriously. You know that museum in Santa Fe you talked about? Let's take a drive. Jane: Sure. Scene: Beneke Ted: No, I cannot return that stock. It's already been drilled and cut. We're halfway through the job. Intercom: Mr. Beneke to the shop, please. Ted: All right. Just let me think about it, okay? I gotta go. Dean, I gotta go. Everyone: Happy Birthday! Ted: My God. This is beautiful, guys. Thank you very much. Employee: Hurry. These candles aren't gonna hold out much longer. Skyler: Wait a minute. Are you making a wish? You gotta make a wish. Ted: Well, let's see. The economy's in the toilet. China's undercutting us at every turn. I'm at a loss. Wait. I want to hear it first. Skyler: Absolutely not. No way. Ted: You cannot deny your employer his birthday wish. Skyler: Yes, I can. Watch me. Ted: Please! Skyler: If this is your birthday wish, I feel very, very sorry for you. Ted: Come on. It was so good last time. Skyler: It was ages ago. And I'm enormous now. And I don't look anything like her anymore. Not that I ever did. I mean, come on. Employee: You guys, these candles are getting wax all over the place. Seriously. Ted: Yes, come on, Skyler. Skyler: It's obscene. Happy Birthday To you Happy Birthday To you Happy Birthday Mr. President Of Beneke Fabricators Incorporated Happy Birthday To you. Ted: That was fantastic. Isn't she great, huh? Okay, here we go. Scene: Walter’s Classroom Walter: He wasn't there. Saul: He was there all right. Walter: What are you talking about? I sat there for two hours. Nobody came. Saul: All I know is my contact says he was there. Are you sure you were at the right restaurant? Walter: Yes, I'm positive. Where was he? Saul: Who knows? Maybe he stayed out in the parking lot, checked you out with a telephoto lens. Didn't like the cut of your jib. Anyway, it doesn't matter now because my contact says it's a no go. Walter: What? What do you mean? Saul: No deal. No dice. sh*t at and missed, shit on and h*t. Walter: Wait a minute. How can he make that decision without even meeting me? Saul: I told you he's very cautious who he does business with. All right? He's skittish, like a deer. Walter: Call him back. Saul: I'm sorry. I can't do that. Walter: Yes, you can. Call him, Saul. Saul: First of all, I never called him, all right? I called a guy who called a guy who called a guy. Second of all, it's over. Understand? With this particular individual, all you get is the one sh*t. Look, I'll see if I can scrape something else together, but don't get your hopes up. No one else handles that kind of bulk. Walter: Damn it. Scene: Los Pollos Hermanos Gustavo: Can I help you, sir? Walter: Diet Coke, please. And five minutes of your time. Gustavo: What can I do for you? Walter: Have a seat. Please. I would like to know why you wouldn't meet with me yesterday. Gustavo: I'm sorry. I'm not following. Walter: I sat here yesterday, waiting to meet with someone. I believe that person was you. Gustavo: I think that you're confusing me for someone else. Walter: I don't think I am. Gustavo: Sir, if you have a complaint, I suggest you submit it through our email system. I would be happy to refer you to our website. Walter: I was told that the man I would be meeting with is very careful. A cautious man. I believe we're alike in that way. If you are who I think you are, you should give me another chance. Gustavo: I don't think we're alike at all, Mr. White. You are not a cautious man at all. Your partner was late, and he was high. Walter: Yes, he was. Gustavo: He's high often, isn't he? You have poor judgment. I can't work with someone with poor judgment. Walter: Are you familiar with my product? Gustavo: I've been told it's excellent. Walter: It is impeccable. It is the purest, most chemically-sound product on the market anywhere. That is not the only factor. You could charge twice the current rate for what I provide, and your customers would pay it. Hands down. Now, who I choose to do business with on my end is not your problem. You won't see him. You won't interact with him. Forget he exists. Gustavo: I have to ask. Why? Why him? Walter: Because he does what I say. Because I can trust him. Gustavo: How much product do you have on hand? Walter: 38 pounds. Ready to go at a moment's notice. Will I hear from you? Gustavo: I have your numbers. You can never trust a drug addict. Scene: Beneke Skyler: Look, I mean, it's all kind of little dribs and drabs, but right here, take Keller, for instance. A couple hundred dollars here, a few thousand there. Ted: Dribs and drabs. Skyler: Once you add it all up, though, and with Keller, the revenues are almost 10% less than was actually received. And this is every quarter, for the last two years. When I saw that, I got worried, so I checked Accounts Receivable on other customers. I found six other instances of revenues being under-reported. And I've only just started to look into it. Ted: We have requirement contracts with a lot of these companies. They anticipate their needs for the next quarter. Most of the time, they overestimate. So I just let them roll their overages into the next order and if I don't, they'll go elsewhere. Obviously, we forgot or didn't go back and adjust the revenue entries. I know it's wrong from an accounting standpoint, but as you can see, the money's coming in. Eventually, as you can see. Skyler: Right. Right, but I got the old bills of sale and order forms out of storage, to try and sort this out. And most of the time, there's no backup for the reported revenues at all. In a few cases, I found Xeroxed copies with the dates changed. Ted: All right. You got me. Skyler: We're talking nearly a million dollars of undocumented revenue. What are you thinking? Ted: I'm thinking about saving a company. I'm thinking about people's jobs, about their mortgages and pensions and their college funds for their kids. Not to mention my own. Skyler: It doesn't mean that you have to break the law. Ted: Yes, it does. It's right there in the books. Business is terrible. The bank is on my back, the IRS is grinding me down to a nub. If I don't keep up... Skyler: People go to prison for this. Ted: My dad built this company from nothing. We make things here. The people who work here are like family. I can't let that all fall apart because of a couple of bad years. Don't report this. Please. Skyler: I'm not gonna turn you in. But I can't be a part of it. Ted: I know. I know. I just wish, I'm sorry. I don't want you to go. Scene: Jesse’s Apartment Jesse: Yo, if I know you, leave a message. Skinny Pete: Yo, it's Skinny Pete. Just checking in with you, man. We missed you at the funeral today. The whole crew was representing. Even Badger came all the way from Fresno. Combo's people, his ma, grandma, cousins, everyone was all choked up and shit. Man, it was, like, emotional. And you should have seen the coffin. It was like this shiny, white pearlescent. Like, I'm pretty sure I've seen the exact same paint job on a Lexus. So we're definitely talking high-end. Anyway, guess you had something bigger going down. Watch your back out there, bro. Peace. Jane: I like to mix some ice with it. Hold that. Jesse: What's it feel like? Jane: There's a chill. Don't freak out. It passes. And then you'll see. I'll meet you there. Take that off. Scene: Walter’s Classroom Walter: Phones off, please. Pipes, I guess. All right, everyone. Eyes on your paper. Eyes on your paper. Scene: Los Pollos Hermanos Walter: Excuse me, where's the manager? Cynthia: I'm the manager. Can I help you? Walter: I met a man here last week. A black gentleman. He's thin. Glasses. Cynthia: Yes, sir. That's the owner. Walter: Owner. Cynthia: He owns 14 Los Pollos restaurants in between here and Nevada. He could be at any one of them. Walter: Is there a phone number that I can get to? Cynthia: I'm sorry, sir. I can't give that out. Is this about a complaint? I'd be happy to refer you to our website. Walter: What's his name? Cynthia: Gustavo. Gus. Victor: 38 pounds. $1.2 million. Truck stop, 2 miles south of Exit 13. One hour. Walter: What? Victor: One hour. You in or out? Walter: In. In. Absolutely. But I just need a little more time. Victor: One hour. If you miss it, don't ever show your face in here again. Walter: Come on! Come on! Jesse: Yo, if I know you, leave a message. Walter: Jesse, pick up the phone. Pick up the phone! I'm coming by. I need the product. I need the product now! Scene: Jesse’s Apartment Walter: Jesse! Wake up! Wake up. Where'd you put it? Where is it? Where's the product? Jesse: Get off of me. Walter: Where is it? Where'd you hide the meth? Jesse: In the kitchen. Walter: Where? Jesse: Under the sink. Walter: Oh no. No, not now! Not now!

{"type": "series", "show": "Breaking Bad", "episode": "2x11 - Mandala"}

foreverdreaming

Scene: Walter’s Car Walter: Skyler, I'm so...Marie. Oh, Christ, Marie. How...oh, God. Oh, thank God. Is she beautiful? I'm staring at brake lights on the 40. Some accident up ahead. Christ. Today of all days, huh? No, let her rest. I'll be there as soon as I can. Scene: Hospital Walter: Excuse me. Skyler White? Skyler, I'm so sorry. I'm just...are you okay? Skyler: Meet your daughter. Walter: Hi, there, girl. Hi, there, Holly. Ted: Congratulations, Walt. Walter: I'm sorry, I didn't see you here. Skyler: Ted drove me here. Thank God. I mean, this little bundle of joy of ours was practically on rails. Halfway here I thought he was gonna have to pull over and deliver her himself. Walter: Then, I'm glad it didn't come to that. Ted: No problem at all. Well, let me get out of your way here so you two can, you three, can be alone, okay? Listen, take it easy, Sky. Skyler: I really, I can't begin to thank you. Ted: Don't think anything of it. It's my pleasure. Congratulations again. She's beautiful. I'll talk to you soon. Take care. Walter: Are you okay? Is everything okay? Skyler: Everything's okay. I just wish you'd been here. Walter: Where's everyone else? Skyler: Downstairs. Hank and Marie took Junior for dinner. He has been such a trooper. He even changed his first diaper. Walter: Did he? Honey, is there anything that I can do for you? Anything at all? Skyler: Actually, yes. I left my overnight bag at home this morning. I think you get it in your head, "C-section." You know? But I'm just so glad the way it all worked out. Doing it natural instead. It just couldn't have gone any better. Walter: Good. Let me go get your things. And I'll get my stuff, too, okay? I'll spend the night. Scene: Jesse’s Apartment Jane: Dad. I was in the shower. I overslept. I'm running late, but I'll be there. Baby, I gotta go. Somebody broke in. Jesse: Okay. No! Come on. Damn. Oh, God. Oh, Christ. Scene: Narcotics Anonymous Guy: This week was tough. Toughest yet. You know why? I knew this day was coming. My birthday. Counselor: Your re-birthday? Guy: Yeah, and as it got closer, it got worse. I was scared shitless I wouldn't make it. I really didn't think I would. Called in sick three days in a row. I know my boss was pissed. I guess I don't really care. I just didn't want to see anybody. You guys know how that is. All it'd take is one friend and I'd be out rippin' and runnin' again. But I made it. I really made it. I got one year clean to the day. Scene: Restaurant Donald: You look tired. Your eyes are kind of red. You getting enough sleep? Jane: Actually, no. I'm working on this really complex new tat. A guy wants his whole back done up. Him on his chopper, flames all around. I keep showing him the design and he keeps asking for changes, like, "Give me more muscles. Give me more flames." And I'm like, "A, this ain't the Sistine Chapel. And B, I have enough trouble working around your zits." Donald: I really wish you wouldn't work at that place. You need to avoid those types of... Jane: I know and I do. It's mostly college kids and airmen from Kirtland. It's actually really corporate. So, how's your job? Donald: Oh, you know. Same old, same old. Doing backup training on my days off. God, they're hiring anybody now. No experience at all. It's scary. You seeing anyone? Jane: No. You? Donald: What about that guy next door? Jane: What do you mean? Donald: Well, he seemed to have some expectation of you introducing me to him. Jane: He knows you own the place. Dad, he's our tenant. End of story. Why would I get involved with a tenant? Scene: White Residence Marie: Isn't she beautiful? I just think she's the most beautiful baby ever. And why not? Good stock. Walter Jr: I'll get it. Nobody's there. Walter: b*at ya! Hello? Jesse: Yo, it’s me. Walter: Oh, hi, Carmen. Just Carmen. Jesse: Come on. Hurry up. Walter: So you heard? Good news. She's just so beautiful. Well, Holly. 7 pounds, 3 ounces. Everybody is doing just fine. You junkie imbecile! What are you calling this number for? Jesse: I am trying to tell you, man. Last night, somebody broke in my place, yo. I got robbed. Walter: What? Jesse: Somebody, they got all of our stuff. All of it. You get me, Mr. White? The blue stuff. It's, like, uncanny. They knew exactly where to look! I mean, say something, man! Yell at me or something! Come on! God! Marie: Hank, come on! People are starving to death out here! Hank: All right, all right. Had to get a beer. All right, guys. Here we go. We got mild, medium and muy caliente. I got dibs on the breast. Walter: Los Pollos Hermanos? Hank: Yeah, seriously. You gotta try it. This joint gives KFC a run for their money. Marie: That baby's hungry. Skyler: Give me that baby. Aw, sweetie. Come on. Jeez, Sky. Not at the table. We're eating. Marie: Hank, it's only a breast. Hank: It's my sister-in-law's breast. Marie: You are so provincial. Skyler: Remember the day when you were talking to me about child-proofing? What are you thinking? A fence or a cover? Walter: Actually, I was thinking more of an alarm system. They've got these new systems out there, "sonar systems" that would do anything that falls into it, it sets the alarm off. Skyler: That sounds expensive. Well, yeah, but for the baby, I mean... Hank: Why don't you let Marie and I get that for you guys? Marie: Absolutely. Skyler: No, please. I'll be back at work soon. We'll take care of it. Walter: Back at work soon? Skyler: Since you're scheduled for surgery, I just thought it might be a good idea to have some money coming in. Walter: Skyler, we need to think about what's best for the baby. And I think having her mother around for at least the first few years. Money-wise, we'll manage. I promise you that. Hank: What? You guys got a printing press in the garage churning out 50s? Walter Jr: I wish. Mom's even talking about me getting a job. Skyler: That's right. Everybody pitches in. Scene: Later that night Walter: I'll get her. I'll get her. Good girl. That's a good girl. My little girl, huh? Do you want to see something? Come here. Oh. I know, I know. You want to see what your daddy did for you? Scene: Basement Walter: Let me show you. Here. Come here. Want to see? That's right. Daddy did that. Daddy did that for you. Scene: Walter’s Classroom Jesse: This place looks exactly the same. Why don't you have computers and shit? It's the 20th century. Walter: What the hell are you doing here? Jesse: You took the stash! I heard all those phone messages and I figured it out. Walter: You figured it out? Congratulations, Einstein. Jesse: You left me to freak out all day long, like I dropped the ball! And you were the one who took it! Walter: Shut up. You lower your voice. "Like" you dropped the ball? When have you ever not dropped the ball, Jesse? Blasted out of your mind on whatever the hell that was. What was that? Heroin? Jesus. Jesse: I was on my day off, man. What I do on my day off... Walter: Your day off? We were on-call, you junkie. On-call for the biggest deal of our lives. And I just managed to pull it off by the skin of my teeth, no thanks to you. You made me miss the birth of my daughter. Son of a bitch. Jesse: How much? Walter: How much what? Jesse: How much did you get for the deal? Walter: $1.2 million. Jesse: 600,000 each? Walter: 480,000. Saul's cut is 20%. Jesse: So, where's my money? What? Walter: You are joking, right? If I gave you that money, you would be d*ad inside of a week. Jesse: Look, I'm off the heroin. I didn't even like it anyway. It made me sick. And the meth. You know, I can take it or leave it. I'm clean, Mr. White. For real. Walter: Prove it. Pee in that. Jesse: How gay are you? Seriously. Walter: Pee in it. They're selling testing kits at the drug stores. If you are clean, I will give you every last dime. No, huh? Well, I guess, until then, you'll just have to depend on the kindness of strangers to get high. That and your little junkie girlfriend. Scene: White Residence Marie: Not on her tummy, Walt. Walter: I'm not putting her on her tummy. I'll put her on her side. Do you want to hold her back? Just in case she decides to do a little spit-up, I'll roll up a nice clean towel like this and put it under. Marie: Hammacher Schlemmer makes a proper one of those. It's hypo-allergenic. Walter: I think a towel will do. What is it? Skyler: Your son. He's just unbelievable. Come see what he did. Walter Jr: I told you it's not ready yet. Skyler: Honey, just show it to them. Walter: My God, son. That's wonderful. Marie: This is beautiful. SaveWalterWhite.com. Well, I, for one, am telling everybody. Walter: Wait a minute. You're not asking for money, are you, son? Walter Jr: That's the whole idea. Louis helped me set up a PayPal account and everything. Walter: But we can't ask for money. I appreciate it. I really do. Skyler: This was all his idea. He worked so hard on it. Just let him help. You can't ask him to take it down. It'll crush him. Walter: Skyler, it's charity. Skyler: Why do you say that like it's some sort of dirty word? Scene: Saul’s Office Walter: This is insane. I have so much cash on-hand that I actually count it by weighing it on my bathroom scale. And yet, I can't spend it. I can't tell my family about it. All of whom think that I am right on the edge of bankruptcy. It's insane. Saul: Well, I guess that's why gangsters had molls. Walter: What? Saul: g*n molls. Haven't you ever seen White Heat? Walter: I've seen White Heat, but I don't see how that pertains. Saul: Maybe you need a moll more than you need a wife who you can't trust with your secrets. What good is money that doesn't spend? If a tree falls in the forest...You get the point. So communicating is out? Walter: Out. Saul: Well, let's see. What else is there? There's always, "Hey, I found a big bag of money down by the railroad tracks." Works for me. Uncle Murray. "Oh, many is the happy memory of Uncle Murray bouncing me on his knee. We lost track of the old pervert years ago, but what do you know? He kicked it and left me millions." Walter: It cannot be blind luck or some imaginary relative who saves us. I earned that money, me. And now my son created his own website "SaveWalterWhite. com" soliciting anonymous donations. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? Saul: Yeah, look at that. It's got PayPal and everything. Walter: Cyber-begging. That's all that is. Just rattling a little tin cup to the entire world. Yeah, there's no deep-seated issues there. Saul: I'm looking at the answer here. It's staring me in the face. Do I have to spell it out for you? Walter: No, I know. You're thinking that I should be funneling my money into my son's website, but absolutely not, no. I am not going to have my family think that some mystery benefactor saved us. Saul: Not some mystery benefactor, singular. That would raise too many questions. However stay with me here: Zombies. I got a guy who knows this guy who knows this Rain Man-type. He lives with his mother in her basement in Belarus. So good luck extraditing his fat Russian ass. Wait. He's a hacker-cr*cker extraordinaire. This guy can hijack random desktops all around the world, turn 'em into zombies that do his bidding. For instance, he can make it so, 20 or 30,000 little donations come in from all over the U.S. and Canada. all paid in-full, nice and neat, untraceable, from the good-hearted people of the world to Mr. Walter H. White, Cancer Saint. I'm getting a warm and fuzzy feeling just thinking about it. Scene: Jesse’s Apartment Jesse: He's an assh*le, that's what. Always judging me. Jane: Not too much. Jesse: I mean, like, who's he, right? I mean, first off, I taught him. He's always acting like I'm his indentured servant. Jane: Now the cotton. Jesse: Needle? Jane: I don't understand why you need him. Jesse: Exactly. My point exactly. Jane: Flat against your skin so it doesn't wiggle around too much. How much does he owe you, anyway? Jesse: 480. Jane: Well, hell, I'd be mad, too, if somebody owed me 500 bucks. Jesse: No. 480,000. Jane: What? What? Jesse: Thousand. Jane: Not on your back, baby. In case you throw up. On your side. Sleep on your side. Scene: Narcotics Anonymous Guy: She's all like, "Don't preach to me." And I'm like, "Baby, I'm not preaching to you. I'm talking about basic survival, you know? I'm conversing about life and death." I mean, this here, what we've been doing. Hell, Becky knows. Scene: Jesse’s Apartment Jane: Dad? I overslept. I'm on my way. Dad? Dad, wait. It's not what it looks like. Dad, just wait. Let me talk to you for one second. Come on! Stop it! Don't touch him, Dad! Donald: Son of a bitch. Jane: Dad, let him go! Jesse: Get away from me, man. Back off. Back off! Jane: Everybody just calm down! Jesse: What's with you, yo? Huh? 'Cause I'll seriously bust you up. Donald: You miserable little smackhead. Get the hell out! Jesse: Hey, I pay my rent, bitch! I got civil rights! Jane: Jesse, come on. Please, no. Come on. Jesse: I pay my rent. Donald: You're going back to rehab. Today. Now. Jane: Look, as it so happens, we were just, we were just talking about that and I was gonna tell you, okay? If you would just let me. Donald: You have been clean for 18 months, Jane. Why? Why do you do it? Jane: I backslid, okay? Like, what? What, you think I'm proud of this? Like, I do it on purpose? Donald: Lying to me, shacking up and using with this scumbag, this loser! Jesse: It takes one to know one! Jane: His name is Jesse, and you don't know the first thing about him. We talk about rehab every night. It's his idea. Donald: You talk about rehab? Well, gee, isn't that wonderful? Jane: Thank you for not being judgmental 'Cause that's exactly what I need, to be judged all the time! Donald: You know what you need? I'll tell you exactly. Jane: What are you doing? What are you doing? Donald: I am calling the police. Jesse: Come on! Jane: Dad, don't. Donald: I have tried ten years of love and understanding. Maybe what it takes is you drying out in a jail cell. I would like to report drug use in a building that I own. No. It's on-going. Jane: Daddy. Donald: It's illegal activity. I'd like to talk to somebody. Would you connect me, please? Jane: Fine, we'll go to rehab. Donald: I could care less about him going to rehab. I want you in rehab. Jane: Okay. I'll go first thing tomorrow. Donald: Not tomorrow. Today. Jane: I have to call into work. I have to stock the newspaper. The last time I went to rehab, all my houseplants died because you didn't water them, so. Please? I'll go. Tomorrow. Donald: I'm sorry. I made a mistake. Tomorrow. Jesse: You meant all that? Jane: I don't know. I just think if we had enough money, nobody could make us do anything. White Residence Walter: Just let it ring. Skyler: No, I'm gonna go see who it is. Walter: It's okay, Holly. Skyler: Good luck with that. But I'm sure he'd be glad to write some...actually, here he is right now. So hold on a second. Walter: What? Skyler: It's one of your one of your old students. He wants a letter of recommendation. Walter: Honey, I think the baby is getting hungry. This is Walter White. I'm sorry. I'm having a little trouble recalling. Jane: It's Jane. You know, of Jesse and Jane. Jesse's "junkie girlfriend." Walter: Oh, of course. It really has been a long time. Jane: Jesus. Get somewhere you can talk. Walter: Sure. Yes. I am looking into that as we speak. How the hell did you get this number? Did Jesse give it to you? Jane: All Jesse wants is what's coming to him. No more, no less. Walter: What are you talking about? He told you about the money. Jane: He told me everything. Walter: So, what is this? Some kind of blackmail or something? Jane: This is me telling you to do right by Jesse and bring him what you owe him. I don't call that blackmail. I call that getting off your ass, and being a decent human being. Walter: Well, I call it blackmail. Dialing my number. Talking to my wife. And what's your end of this? How much heroin does a half a million dollars buy? For your information, I am holding Jesse's money for him, he will receive every last dollar of it. He will. Not you. At a time when I see fit. But I will not contribute to his overdose. Now, you tell him, if he gets clean, ff you both get clean… Jane: You know what? I take that back. This is blackmail. Because what I know about you; High school teacher turned drug dealer with a brother-in-law in the DEA. That'd make one hell of a story. National news, I'll bet. Do right by Jesse tonight or I will burn you to the ground. Walter: Shit. Scene: Jesse’s Apartment Jane: He's a high school teacher. What's he gonna do? Give you a B-minus? Send you outside to clap the erasers? Jesse: You wouldn't really go to the cops, would you? Jane: We won't have to. He'll pay. Jesse: What if he doesn't? Jane: Jesse, it's your money. You're in the right here. He's in the wrong. He's not stupid. He'll pay. What is it, really? You don't want your half a million dollars? You wanna renounce your earthly possessions and become a monk? Jesse: It's just, I'm not the kind of dude who rolls. And by extension, neither are you. I mean, he's my partner. Jane: I'm your partner. Scene: White Residence Skyler: Close your eyes and go to sleep. Hush little baby don’t you cry. Mama’s gonna buy you a mockingbird. If that mockingbird won't sing Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring. If that diamond ring turns brass Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass. So hush, little baby Don't you cry Daddy loves you and so do I. She's finally asleep. What are you doing? Learning about elephants? Honey, we're out of diapers. Would you mind going out? Scene: Jesse’s Apartment Walter: Jesse. Not you. Nice job wearing the pants. How do I know she'll keep quiet? Jane: I guess you don't. Jesse: You'll never hear from either of us again. Walter: You're not seeing straight, Jesse. You are making a mistake. Jane: Do you know what this is? Jesse: It's a whole lot of cheddar. Jane: This is freedom. This is saying, "I can go anywhere I want. I can be anybody." Who do you want to be? Where do you want to go? South America? Europe? Australia? Jesse: Is New Zealand part of Australia? Jane: New Zealand is New Zealand. Jesse: Right on. New Zealand. That's where they made Lord of the Rings. I say we just move there, yo. I mean, you can do your art. Right? Like, you can paint the local castles and shit. And I can be a bush pilot. Jane: New Zealand. I can get behind that. But I guess I'm good anywhere as long as it's the two of us. But first we gotta get clean. And not because anybody's telling us to. We do this for us, right? Jesse: Absolutely. For us. Jane: All this here, we're not gonna just sh**t this up our arms. We're not. Jesse: Hell, no. We're better than that. We're way better than that. Jane: I say we flush what we've got left and we start tonight. Jesse: We can do that. Definitely. Scene: Bar Bartender: Excuse me. What can I get you? Walter: Give me a Fat Tire draft, please. Damn it. Hey, honey. No. I don't know what to tell you. Three stores I've been to so far, and not one of them have it in stock. Do they have to be diapers for newborns? What if we went up a size and just kind of...All right. No, I understand. All right. I'll just keep looking. I'm pulling into Wal-Mart now, so. Donald: Well played. They found water on Mars. Walter: They have indeed. Donald: Don't exactly know what to do with that information, but God bless 'em, they found it. Walter: Actually, they theoretically can separate the hydrogen from the oxygen and process that into providing fuel for man's space flights. Ostensibly turning Mars into a giant gas station. So, it's a...we live in an amazing time. Donald: To water on Mars. Walter: To water on Mars. Donald: So, what'd you have? Girl or boy? Walter: A little girl. Donald: That's nice. Congratulations. I have a daughter. Walter: How old? Donald: Old enough to know better. Walter: You have other kids? Donald: Just the one. Walter: I've got a 16-year-old boy. Well, he's almost 16. There's a spread. But he helps out, though. He's even changing some diapers now, so, it's more than I managed to do when I was his age. Donald: Kids today grow up faster, I think. Walter: Maybe so. So, any advice? Having a daughter. Any advice? Donald: Not really. Just love them. Just I mean, they are who they are. Walter: I've got this nephew. This nephew who is I mean, he's an adult. But you can't infantilize them, you can't live their life for them. But still, I mean, there is that frustration. God, that frustration that goes along with, "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do know what is best for you, so listen." But of course, they don't. What do you do with someone like that? Donald: Family. Walter: Family. Donald: You can't give up on them. Never. I mean, what else is there? Scene: Jesse’s Apartment Walter: Jesse, it's me! I just want to talk. Jesse? Wake up. Wake up. Oh no.

{"type": "series", "show": "Breaking Bad", "episode": "2x12 - Phoenix"}

foreverdreaming

Scene: Jesse’s Apartment Jesse: Come on! Please. Come on! God. Scene: White Residence Walter: Hello? Slow down. Slow down. Just take a deep breath. Do it. All right. Now, what happened? Listen to me. Are you listening? Everything is going to be okay. I promise. Now, listen. Calm down. Just sit tight. I know who to call. Scene: Jesse’s Apartment Mike: Saul Goodman sent me. Come on. Inside. Watch the door. Where is she? Any other drugs in the house? Think hard. Your freedom depends on it. What about g*n? You got any g*n in the house? Here's your story. You woke up. You found her. That's all you know. Say it. Say it, please. I woke up. I found her. That's all I know. Say it. Jesse: I woke up. I found her. That's all I know. I woke up. I found her. That's all I know. Mike: Again. Jesse: I woke up. I found her. That's all I know. Mike: Again. Again. Jesse: I woke up. I found her. That's all I know. I woke up. I found her. That's all I know. Mike: Once you call it in, the people who show up will be with the Office of Medical Investigations. That's primarily who you'll talk to. Police officers may arrive, they may not. Depends on how busy a morning they're having. Typically, OD’s are not a high-priority call. There's nothing here to incriminate you, so I'd be amazed if you got placed under arrest. However, if you do, you say nothing. You tell them you just want your lawyer. Then you call Saul Goodman. And do I need to state the obvious? I was not here. You put on a long-sleeved shirt and cover those track marks on your arm. Count down from 20, and then you dial. Hang tough. You're in the home stretch. Scene: White Residence Walter: Do you want 2% or skim? Skyler: Two. Walter: Junior? Flynn? Walter Jr: I'll be there in a minute. Walter: You all right? Skyler: Flynn, get your butt in here. Walter Jr: My God. Mom, Dad, come here! You got to see this! Seriously. Walter: What? Walter Jr: Look right there. Look at that. Skyler: Are those donations? Walter Jr: Yes. Skyler: Actual donations for your dad? Walter Jr: Total strangers gave us $490. Virginia, Minnesota, Montana. Look at this one. Vancouver. All the way up in Canada. And it's all real actual money. It's actually right there in the PayPal account. And look what they're saying. "Hang in there, Walt." "Good luck." "Hang in there." Isn't this awesome? Walter: That's that is something. Skyler: Don't you think a little "thank you" is in order? Walter: Yes, absolutely. Thank you, son. Thank you. This is a big, big help. Walter Jr: Ontario. Damn. $510. Scene: Donald’s Car Jane: Hey. If you're trying to sell me something, I've got four little words for you "Do-Not-Call-List." However, if you're cool, leave it at the beep. Donald: How did I know you wouldn't be answering your phone? I'm on my way. I'm going to be there momentarily. I expect you on the porch, bag packed, ready to go. No excuses. Scene: Jesse’s Apartment EMT: Sir? You may not want to be here for this. Jesse: I just woke up, and I found her. That's all I know. EMT: What's her date of birth? Your daughter's date of birth. Donald: April 4, 1982. EMT: And mother's maiden name and place of birth. Donald: My mother? EMT: Your daughter's mother. Donald: Bishop. EMT: And place of birth? Donald: Phoenix. EMT: Phoenix, Arizona. This is our address. Do you have someone who can drive you? Donald: I can drive. EMT: Then, if you'd like to meet us there, we can complete the intake and take our samples, and then you can make your arrangements. Now, do you need a card? Will you both be coming? Scene: White Residence Skyler: I don't believe it. Walt, you have to see this! Walter Jr: 40 from Terre Haute. Walter: It's me. Are you there? I'm just checking in. Our friend says he thinks everything went well. And that's good. So listen. Just call me, all right? Skyler: You've got to come in here. We just broke a thousand dollars. Walter: All right. I'm coming. Scene: Police Station Hank: Some of you already know my brother-in-law. He's a good man. The doctors say this operation has a real chance of helping him. Of course, they're also saying they want to be paid in private islands, so dig deep. Biggest donation gets a six-pack of my very own Schraderbrau. Home-brewed to silky perfection. Steve: Smallest donation gets two six-packs. Hank: Other than Gomie here pees sitting down, here's what we know. Christian Ortega, aka "Combo." sh*t d*ad by an unknown assailant last month. "Combo?" I hear you say. "Why, I'm unfamiliar with that name. Was he a Nobel laureate perchance?" No. He was a dipshit, wannabe banger. Now, no arrests, save for stealing a Baby Jesus from a Knights of Columbus manger back when he was 17. This dude was so low-rep, he never showed up on our radar. So why am I talking about him? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Steve: He was dealing Blue Sky. Hank: That's right. How is it that the purest, most professional grade of meth we've ever come across is being slung by the likes of that? But wait. It gets better. Since Baby Jesus thief there slowed a b*llet with his neck, the blue stuff's vanished from town, okay? Not a speck to be found in Albuquerque. Now, why is that? Steve: Because maybe your Heisenberg's in prison. Hank: So says APD. They think they got their man. Steve: I know you don't buy it, but maybe it's true. Hank: James Edward Kilkelly, yeah. APD thinks this is our mastermind. You believe that, I got a bridge to sell you, okay? He copped to it, didn't he? Steve: For an extra pudding cup every night at Los Lunas? Hank: Maybe if you give him a pack of cigarettes, he'll tell you what he did with Jimmy Hoffa. I've been thinking. Top-shelf product like this, it doesn't fall off the face of the earth. The way I see it, raw talent's bound to pop up somewhere. It's like Whack-A-Mole. So I've been making phone calls. Local police departments, small-town sheriffs. Haven't had much luck inside the land of enchantment. But outside, I've got reports of the blue stuff making a scene here in Texas, Arizona, Colorado, and Nevada. In fact, everywhere but here. Almost as if somebody wised up, stopped sh1tting where they eat. Now, I say Heisenberg's still out there. I say he's gone regional. Only he's still right here in town. Scene: White Residence Skyler: Come on, 2,800. Come on, big 28. You can do it. Only 30 more dollars. Walter Jr: $40! Skyler: Who's going to be next? Walter: Your guy found him? Where is he? Okay, listen. I don't care. You have your guy, just shut...Saul, shut up and give me the address. Scene: Neighborhood Mike: I don't recommend it. APD's been known to sit on this place, keep an eye on the comings and goings. Walter: Are they here now? Mike: Well, I don't see any sign, but that's the point. Police could be the least of it. You could just get mugged or sh*t. How about you go on home, Walter? Let me handle this. Walter: Jesse! Look at me. Look at me, son. Wake up. Jesse: I ain't got nothing for you, man. It's all gone. Walter: Wake up. It's me. It's Walt. Let's get out of here. Jesse: No, I'm good. Walter: Help me out, now. Listen. You are not good right here. You are not good at all. You hear? Put your arms around me. You're going to stand up, and we're going to walk out of here, okay? We're going to take you someplace nice and safe. That's it. Now let's go. Come on. Here we go. Jesse: I k*lled her. Walter: What? Jesse: I k*lled her. It was me. I k*lled her, man. I k*lled her. Walter: Look at me. You didn't k*ll anybody. Jesse: I loved her. I loved her more than anything. Scene: Jane’s Apartment Donald: I haven't given much thought to the programs, to be honest. I guess they should be, I don't know. Just use your best judgment. There's no yellow dress here. It's all black and gray. When's the last time you saw her ever wearing a yellow dress? What about blue? Blue's better than black, right? Not dark blue. More like not super-bright, either. I mean, blue is blue. No cleavage. Long sleeves. It's nice. It's nice. Scene: White Residence Walter: Big yawn, Holly. I know what you feel like. I'm tired, too. There we go. Would you mind turning that thing down or off? The dinging. Just turn down the volume. Walter Jr: Dad, it's money. Walter: Please do it. The noise is disturbing the baby. Skyler: Marie, slow down. I can't...oh, my God. You are kidding me. Sure. Of course. Any day after school. Wait. Let me tell him, and I'll call you right back. Guess what. Walter Jr: What? Skyler: You are going to be in the newspaper. Walter Jr: No way. Skyler: One of Aunt Marie's patients works at the Journal. When she told him about the website and the donations, he went to his editor, and they're doing a story about you. Walter Jr: For real? Skyler: They're coming to interview you with a photo and everything. Walter Jr: Awesome. It'll mean more hits. Skyler: And more contributions. Scene: Police Station Hank: East of Scottsdale? Let me guess. Not talking. Nope. Not a one. Someone somewhere is running one tight ship. All right, Chief. Yeah. Thanks a lot. You, too. Merkert: Agent Schrader, can you spare a moment? Hank: Yes, sir. Absolutely. Merkert: Gentlemen, this is supervising agent Hank Schrader. Agent Schrader, I'd like you to meet Andrew Coffman of the Adobe Hotel. Hank: Nice to meet you. Andrew: Nice to meet you. Merkert: Paul Canterna of Canterna Real Estate. Paul: It's a pleasure. Hank: Good to meet you. Merkert: And Gustavo Fring of Los Pollos Hermanos. Gustavo: Please, just Gus. Hank: Got to tell you, you guys make some k*ller chicken. Gustavo: Thank you very much. Merkert: They are underwriting this year's fun run, and I thought I would give them a tour. Hank: Absolutely. Get to see what you're supporting. Merkert: We thank you gentlemen. Can you tell us a little about your work here? Hank: The Albuquerque office covers everything from drug-related money laundering to interdiction of illicit controlled substances crossing the border. Now, the group that I supervise focuses on methamphetamine, which is a growing problem in the country, unfortunately. Gustavo: Terrible. Merkert: It is indeed. Hank: Now, we've had some successes locally, but overall the supply seems to be growing. But I got to tell you, community outreach, like this fun run, one of the most powerful w*apon we have. Anything we can do. Merkert: Gentlemen. Gustavo: Is this one of your agents? Hank: No. That's my brother-in-law. He's got a health issue. Gustavo: I'm very sorry. What sort of health issue? Hank: Lung cancer. Gustavo: That's a rough one. Hank: You don't have to do that. Gustavo: Please. I'm happy to do it. Hank: Thank you very much. Gustavo: You're welcome. Scene: Rehab Walter: Just so you know, I won't be back for a while. I'm going to have my surgery on Friday. I'm hopeful it'll go well. But if not, Saul will take care of things. He's got your money. He's keeping it for you. Lingering on things doesn't help, believe me. Just try and focus on getting better, okay? Jesse: I deserve this. Walter: What? Jesse: What you said in the desert. I get it what you meant. I deserve whatever happens. Scene: White Residence Marie: There he is! We're doing a feature on Walter Junior. We called you about 50 times. Walter: I thought we were just talking about a newspaper story. Marie: I know. But I thought, if it's good enough for the Journal, then why not TV? So I went for it. Reporter: This is him? Marie: This is Dad. Reporter: Great. Let's get everyone on the couch. I'm thinking Walt Junior in the middle, Mom and Dad on either side. Mom and Dad? How much money have you raised so far? Walter Jr: $6,360. But there's more coming in all the time. Reporter: That's amazing. Skyler: We don't even know what to say. It's been incredible. Reporter: Judging from the things you and other folks have written about him, your dad must be quite a guy. Walter Jr: He is. He's the best. Reporter: You don't want to lose him, do you, Walter? Walter Jr: None of us do. We love him. Reporter: He's a good man, isn't he? Walter Jr: Absolutely. Ask anyone. Anybody. He's a great father, a great teacher. He knows, like, everything there is to know about chemistry. He's patient with you, and he's always there for you. He's just decent, and he always does the right thing, that's how he teaches me to be. Reporter: Would you say he's your hero? Walter Jr: Yes, ma'am. Totally. My dad is my hero. Scene: Hospital Walter Jr: Does that put him to sleep? Nurse: This one just relaxes him a little. We're almost ready. We'll be taking you in in just a minute. Walter: Here we are. Walter Jr: Relaxed yet? Walter: As a matter of fact I don't know what this stuff is, but it's pretty great. Skyler: Yeah, it looks like it. We'll be here when you wake up. Walter: I'll be looking for you. Skyler: They'll probably want me to take your glasses. Walter: Yeah, you better. Skyler: Where's your phone? Walter: Huh? Skyler: Your cellphone. Did you bring it? Walter: Which one? Walter Jr: I'm pretty sure he didn't bring it, Mom. Skyler: Okay. Scene: Doctor’s Office Dr. Delcavoli: First things first. How old is the baby now? And when do I finally get to meet her? Skyler: I was actually thinking of bringing her today, but. Walter: She's seven weeks tomorrow. Seven, right? Skyler: I have a picture here, somewhere. Dr. Delcavoli: She's beautiful. Always a relief to say that and actually mean it. How's your pain level, Walter? Walter: Very low, basically. Dr. Delcavoli: Shortness of breath? Walter: A bit, but much better. Dr. Delcavoli: Good. Your margins look good. Obviously, I can't foresee the future, but even conservatively speaking, I can say that you bought yourself some real time here. There's no reason not to be optimistic. Walter: That's great. Skyler: That is great. So, when could he get back to his normal routine? Dr. Delcavoli: He can ease into it now. And can he go back to work or I'd give it a few more weeks. Make sure you avoid any heavy lifting and continue to get plenty of rest. Skyler: But he can be on his own? Just more, independent. Dr. Delcavoli: Use your best judgment. Walter: That's good news for you, honey? One less baby in the house. Scene: Breakroom Coworker: Donald. Welcome back. Donald: Thanks. It's good to be back. Coworker: Jesus. We were all so sorry to hear. Terrible thing. Just, but you know, we've all been thinking about you, and...you've been doing okay? Donald: I'm doing okay. After a certain point, time off doesn't help, so I figured I'd rather be here, focus on work. Coworker: Sure. Absolutely. See you inside. Scene: Air Traffic Control Donald: Truth Or Consequences altimeter, Pima 311, contact Albuquerque Center 134. 6. Juliet 5 Bravo, ident say altitude. Juliet 5 Bravo, roger. Cleared direct to Winslow. Scene: White Residence Walter: I think I may just keep this. What do you think? Doesn't look so bad, right? What are you doing? Skyler: I'm going to Hank and Marie's for the weekend. Walter: Since when? Skyler: I'm taking the baby with me. Marie will pick up Walter Junior from school. You'll have the house to yourself for two days. I want you to pack your things and leave. Walter: Why would I do that? Skyler: Hank has offered to help, since you shouldn't be doing any heavy lifting. I want you gone by Monday morning. I want you gone. Walter: Can you at least tell me why? Skyler: Because you're a liar, Walt. Two cell phones, after all. Walter: What? Skyler: Right before your surgery, I asked if you had packed your cell phone, and you said, "Which one?" Walter: When? I was medicated. I could have said the world was flat. Skyler: You know what I think? I think you accidentally told the truth. Walter: Honey, we have been over this. Asked and answered, right? Skyler: Then it got me thinking again about all the strange behavior, not the least of which was the disappearance. Out of my mind with worry, calling hospitals, checking the morgue. Your fugue state. I had to believe that, didn't I? I had to find a way. I mean who would lie about such a thing? Walter: You tell me. You tell me exactly what it is you think I'm lying about. What? I'm having an affair. Is that what you think? Skyler: Yes. For the last few weeks. Walter: With whom? Who am I having an affair with? Skyler: My guess was Gretchen Schwartz. Something was going on between you. I just knew. Walter: Jesus. Get me a Bible to swear on, if that's what it takes. I am not having an affair with Gretchen. Skyler: I know. I know you're not. Because I asked her. It really took me forever to get in touch with her. She was ducking my calls for weeks. So I finally left a message "What exactly is going on between you and my husband?" I thought that would get her attention, and it did. So she called me back, and she finally told me. The money for your treatment, Gretchen and Elliott didn't give you a dime. They paid for nothing. You refused every offer they made you. But that didn't make sense because I checked with Delcavoli at the hospital, and not including your surgery, we're nearly paid up. Over $100,000. Out of where? Out of thin air? But then I called your mother. Thanks for that, too. But I thought, maybe she has some money that I don't know about. Maybe she contributed. It's possible. It turns out that not only is the money not from your mother, she didn't even know that you have cancer. You never went to see her. I dropped you at the airport. I picked you up. You were gone for four days, and yet she swears that you were never there. Lies on top of lies on top of lies. Could you just once do me the courtesy of not denying it? Walter: Don't do this, please. Please don't go. Skyler! If I tell you the truth, will you stay? Stay, and I will tell you everything. Skyler: Whatever it is I'm afraid to know. Scene: Air Traffic Control Donald: Wayfare, 5-1-5 radio check. Wayfare 5-1-5 Albuquerque Center, roger. Climb and maintain 1-3,000. Juliet Mike 2-1, Squawk 4. Julie Mike 2-1, climb and maintain 1-7,000. Cleared direct to Albuquerque via the Aircraft calling. Please stand by. Jane Mike 2-1, turn heading Disregard. Aircraft calling, say again. Lifeguard 4-6. Cleared direct to Albuquerque. Climb and maintain 1-7,000. Juliet Mike 2-1, turn left heading 1-1-5. Wayfare 5-1-5. Traffic 3:00. Kingair, turn left heading 0-8-5. Sierra Alpha. Alpha contact Albuquerque Center 13 Contact Albuquerque Center 124. 6. Wayfare 5-1-5. Descend.

{"type": "series", "show": "Breaking Bad", "episode": "2x13 - ABQ"}

foreverdreaming

Scene: TV Reporter: We interrupt scheduled programming to bring you this breaking news. Good afternoon. In the last several minutes KOB has received dozens of reports of what appears to be a crashed aircraft, possibly two aircraft on Albuquerque's east side. As of yet details are scarce but callers describe witnessing an expl*si*n overhead followed by falling debris. Visible now Reporter: Crash investigators with the National Transportation Safety Board are expected on site as early as this evening. But officials warn that with a debris field of this magnitude, the investigation Officials are now saying that the Boeing 737 was being re-routed, or vectored, through the airspace which is standard procedure according to a spokesman for the FAA. Reporter: The eight-seat King Air 350 was a charter flight operating out of St. George, Utah, bound for Amarillo, Texas. Reporter: It sounded like hail, like heavy hailstones. It was just bump-bump-bump, all over the neighborhood… Reporter: Indicating that the final death toll now stands at 167. Reporter: One hundred and sixty-seven. This mid-air collision has left many wondering how such an accident could take place in a system with so many safeguards. Reporter: That the collision which brought down Flight 515 was caused by improper air traffic control. We have the b*mb confirmation out of Oklahoma City as the FAA confirmed it was indeed a lone air traffic controller's fateful mistake which brought about the crash. Reporter: Is Donald Margolis, a 19-year veteran of the FAA's Air Route Traffic Control Center in Albuquerque. Margolis recently returned to work after a five-week absence which was due to, quote, "a personal loss". While it's now known that Margolis had recently lost a daughter to a… Reporter: Drug overdose a month before. His troubled daughter Jane Margolis, aged 26 apparently had a long history of substance abuse. Friends of the family say the death of his only child h*t Margolis particularly hard. Coming as it did little more than a month before, many are questioning the timing of his return to work and are wondering how much blame truly lies with those who let this grieving father… Scene: Lawyer’s Office Lawyer: I usually open with "So sorry you're here". Where would you like to begin? Skyler: I really just need this quick and easy, you know? As quick as something like this can be. So… Lawyer: Okay. Is that mutual? Does your husband go along with that? Does he know? Skyler: Well, I mean, he certainly knows we're separated, so. Lawyer: Has he moved out? Skyler: We're in the process of moving him out. Yeah. Today, hopefully. And in the meantime, my son, my daughter and I are staying with my sister. Lawyer: So you've moved out? Skyler: Well, yes, just temporarily. Only so he could get his things. And that was supposed to happen last week, but then came the crash and… Lawyer: Oh, God, you weren't one of the…? Skyler: Right, yeah. Right beneath the flight path. And we had debris land in our yard, and all over our neighborhood, so. Lawyer: Terrible. Skyler: Yeah. Apparently, even you know, parts of bodies. So I certainly couldn't bring myself to… Lawyer: So awful. Skyler: I know. Anyway, I was certainly not ready to move back. But it's time. And I'm sure we're driving my sister and her husband up a wall. Lawyer: Well, you definitely wanna maintain residency in your actual home. It just puts you in a better position in regards to custody. Two children, you said? Skyler: Yes. Holly here, and then I have a son in high school, Walter Jr. They need to stay with me. Lawyer: Okay. How long have you been married? Skyler: Sixteen years. Lawyer: And it's not an apartment, it's a house that you live in? Do you own outright, do you have a mortgage? Skyler: Yes, there's definitely a mortgage. We have maybe 15 years on it. Lawyer: What about other debts or assets? Do you feel you have a good understanding of you and your husband's financial situation? Is your husband employed? Skyler: Here's the thing. I'm really not looking for any sort of loopholes or I don't know, just… Lawyer: No, no loopholes. I just intend that every one of my clients get a full and honest accounting of what it is they owe and what it is they own. To that end, I say let's leave no stone unturned. You'd be amazed what I've seen partners hide from one another. Scene: White Residence Backyard Hank: Walt? Hey, buddy? Hey, Walt? Hey. There you are. Listen, I…You know, well, it's time. Scene: Driveway Hank: The shittiest week since 9l11, okay? Bar none. This is it. Hands down, we're living it. I speak with authority because we had some shitty weeks the past few months. But this here? I mean call freaking Guinness Book of World Records, call freaking…am I talking too much? I am, right? I am, I know. But this situation between you and you know, I don't know. I'm not asking, by the way. It's none of my business. I do not wanna get in the middle of you two. I'm just saying, listen, okay? You b*at a little tactical retreat you regroup, and then: You know, absence makes the…yeah. I'm pulling for you, man. I'm pulling for you. No heavy lifting. Walt: I got it. Hank: No, it's okay. I got it. Jesus. What do you got in there, cinder blocks? Walt: Half a million in cash. Hank: That's the spirit. I got it, I got it. Scene: Rehab Counselor: Who's here for self-improvement? Come on, give me a show of hands. Who among you is here hoping they can actively improve who they are? All right. See, that's your first mistake. You should be here to learn self-acceptance. Scene: White Residence Skyler: Hey, honey, you want another waffle? I still got the iron out. I could cut up some bananas. Answering Machine: Hi, you've reached Walt, Skyler, Flynn and Holly. Please leave us a message. Walt: Hey. Hello, everybody. Good morning. I was just checking in and thought I'd pass along the current contact information. You certainly can always reach me on my cell I've always got that on me, but in terms of a mailing address I'm here at the Beachcomber and you know what, it's actually very nice, very pleasant. Not as high-end as the Oakwood, but not as corporate. Skyler: Oh, hey, would you please just? Walter Jr: Hey, Dad, it's me. No, I'm not okay. I don't know what's going on. Nobody's telling me jackshit around here. Skyler: Hey, Flynn. Walter Jr: Whatever. I don't even care anymore. Can you just give me a ride to school? Skyler: I'll take you to school. Walter Jr: Yeah. No, I'm ready now. Skyler: Flynn, I'm taking you to school. Walter Jr: All right, I'm here. See you soon. Scene: High School Carmen: Okay. May I have your attention, please? As all of you know, last week our city suffered a terrible tragedy. One that none of us will ever forget. Which is why today we're going to take a little time out of our schedule to gather in the gym and talk. Barry: I just find it, you know, really, really hard to concentrate. Because of all the horrors, you know, we perceived. It just really gets inside your brain and in college, they have this thing where if your roommate kills himself like, if you come home and find him hanging in the closet or whatever it's basically an a*t*matic A for you. And I just think that that kind of compassion is something to… Carmen: Okay. Thank you, Barry. Who wants to go next? No judgments, guys. Just feelings. You can say anything and everything that's on your mind. Anyone? There you go, honey. Student: I just keep asking myself… Carmen: Honey, could you please stand up? Thank you. Student: I just keep asking myself, "Why did this happen?" I mean, if there's a God and all why does he allow all those innocent people to die for no reason? Carmen: Okay, can we just keep it secular, honey? Student: Anyhow, I haven't really been sleeping much. Does anyone else have that? I just keep hearing that sound. That boom. It just plays over and over in my head like it won't ever stop. Carmen: Thank you, sweetheart. Is there anyone else? Over here. Other Student: My neighbor, he heard the crash and he ran outside, and he found, like, this seat. Like an airline seat. Like what you have on an airliner? Well, anyway, the seat was standing perfectly upright in his front yard right next to his Sea-Doos, because, like, he has Sea-Doos. But there was still a pair of legs buckled into them. Human legs. Walt: Jesus H. Christ. Carmen: You okay? Walt: Yeah, sorry. I'm, I was just moved. Carmen: Maybe we should hear from the faculty. Certainly this tragedy didn't only affect our students. Mr. White, would you like to say something? And by the way, welcome back. It's so good to have you back. Walt: I guess what I would…sorry, sorry. I guess what I would wanna say is to look on the bright side. First of all, nobody on the ground was k*lled. And that I mean, an incident like this, over a populated urban center? That right there, that's just gotta be some minor miracle. So. Plus, neither plane was full. You know, the 737 was, what, maybe two-thirds full, I believe? Right, yes? Or maybe even three-quarters full? Well, at any rate, what you're left with casualty-wise is just the 50th-worst air disaster. Actually, tied for 50th. There are, in truth 53 crashes throughout history that are just as bad or worse. Tenerife. Has anybody? Anybody hear of Tenerife? No? In 1977, two fully loaded 747s crashed into each other on Tenerife. Does anybody know how big a 747 is? I mean, it's way bigger than a 737, and we're talking about two of them. Nearly 600 people died on Tenerife. But do any of you even remember it at all? Any of you? I doubt it. You know why? It's because people move on. They just move on. And we will too. We will move on, and we will get past this. Because that is what human beings do, we survive, and…we survive and we overcome. Yeah. We survive. We survive and…Okay? Thank you. Good. Scene: Driveway Walt: Hey, how's your Aunt Marie doing? Walter Jr: Fine. I guess. Walt: You make sure you say hello to her for me, will you? Walter Jr: Why don't you just come inside? It's your house. Walt: No, I… Scene: White Residence Living Room Marie: He's gone. Hey, Flynn. How's tricks? Walter Jr: How's what? Marie: Tricks. It's an expression. How are you? Walter Jr: Why you gotta treat him like this? Why you gotta be like this? Why can't you just talk even? Marie: Hey, hey, hey. Cool down, okay? Out of the mouths of babes, huh? You know, try not to hold it against him. You know, I mean, the poor kid, he's probably just dying of curiosity. You know, and I guess it would be natural for him to wonder. He's probably wondering, "What is it that could have gone so wrong that my mother would leave?" Skyler: Marie. Marie. Marie: I can't help you get through this you know, if you won't tell me what it is that Walt did? Skyler: Well, you know what, I don't remember asking you, all right? So if you wanna be supportive, you could be supportive without prying. That would be really great. Marie: "Prying." Skyler: And so helpful. Marie: Well, prying's a strong word. Scene: Rehab Counselor: It's that voice inside your head. It's that sneaky, rat-bastard, You know what I'm talking about. That voice that tells you you're not good enough. Not good enough for what? Not good enough to be what? President of the United States? Well, okay, so maybe you're not that good. But now are you good enough to deserve your share of basic human happiness? Are you good enough to be okay with who and what you are? I say yes. But it doesn't matter what I say. It's your voice, which means you're the one that hears it. Which means you're the only one that can fight it, right? Jesse, we never hear from you. What's going on? You can tell me I'm full of shit. It's okay, I don't mind. Just come on. Let us in on it. Jesse: So, like, what makes you the expert? Counselor: I don't think I ever said I was that. Jesse: Yeah, but you're the one sitting here, right? Telling us "thus" and "so, be happy," "forgive yourself," blah, blah, blah. Have you ever really hurt anybody? I don't just mean disappointed your mother or whatever but did you ever really hurt someone? Counselor: I k*lled my daughter. It was July 18th, which is my birthday. July 18th, 1992. I was high on cocaine and I was drunk. Cocaine wasn't an issue. I had bought myself two grams as a birthday present. I had plenty left. But I was out of vodka. And this is in Portsmouth, Virginia where instead of selling liquor in the supermarkets they have these ABC stores which close at 5 p. m. , and right then it was like 4:42. So I'm arguing with my wife. "Come on. Go to the ABC for me, it's my birthday. Come on. They're not gonna sell it to me". And she's saying "No, no." So I'm pissed. And the clock is ticking, so I jump in my truck. My 6-year-old daughter is playing at the end of the driveway. So… Jesse: How do you not hate yourself? Counselor: I did hate myself for a long time. But it didn't stop me from drinking and getting high. It just made it that much worse. Self-hatred, guilt, it accomplishes nothing. It just stands in the way. Jesse: Stands in the way of what? Counselor: True change. Scene: Walt’s Apartment Walt: Skyler. Skyler: Is this a good time to talk? Walt: Yeah. Come in. Please. Skyler. Do you wanna start? Skyler: Okay. Walt: Why are you doing this? Why are you even thinking this way? Is it to punish me? Skyler: I am not punishing you, Walt. Walt: This is punitive, is what this is. We are happily married. I am happily married. I am happy. We're just, I love you, Skyler. And I would do anything for you. Would you even consider? I mean, Jesus! You come in here and you wave these papers in my face when there's a whole other, entire side to this thing. There's your side and there's my side, and you haven't heard my side yet. You haven't heard any of it at all. Skyler: You're a drug dealer. Walt: No. What? How? What? Skyler: Yeah. How else could you possibly make that kind of money? Marijuana. That Pinkman kid. No? Oh, my God, Walt. Cocaine? Walt: It's methamphetamine. But I'm a manufacturer, I'm not a dealer per se. It doesn't mean, no, Skyler! Listen to me. Skyler, listen. Skyler: No, no! Walt: There are a lot of angles to this, okay? It's complicated, all right? So please, please, let's just sit back down and talk it through. Skyler: I'm gonna make you a deal, Walt. I won't tell Hank and I won't tell your children or anybody else. Nobody will hear it from me. But only if you grant me this divorce and stay out of our lives. Walt: No, Skyler. Skyler: I mean it. Now let me the hell out of here before I throw up. Scene: Rehab Parking Lot Counselor: Bye, Jesse. Jesse: Your windshield's broken. Walt: Yeah. Scene: Walt’s Apartment Walt: Little friction in the marriage right now. Strictly temporary. We're just, we're just taking a little break. That's you, over there. Listen, money. Saul has got it for you, so as soon as you're feeling better… Jesse: I'm better. Walt: You're better? Really? What, the rehab? It helped? Jesse: Yeah. I'm done using. Walt: That's excellent. That's very good, Jesse. Boy, very good. You know, in spite of how bad things got it really could be looked at like a wake-up call for both of us. I mean, you know, just to get our lives back together again and on the straight and narrow. Jesse: You've been following this airplane crash? Walt: Yeah. Jesse: You know it was Jane's dad who accidentally crashed them together because he was so torn up? Walt: Okay, look, let me stop you right there, all right? You are not responsible for this. Not in any way, shape or form, all right? Now, I am very up-to-date on this thing, probably far more than you are and there are many factors at play there. Jesse: Yeah? Walt: For instance, there's some sort of collision radar on the jet that may not have been working. That's public record. You can look that up. And the whole system is run on 1960s technology. No. No, really, I blame the government. Jesse: You either run from things or you face them, Mr. White. Walt: What exactly does that mean? Jesse: I learned it in rehab. It's all about accepting who you really are. I accept who I am. Walt: And who are you? Jesse: I'm the bad guy. Scene: Los Pollos Hermanos Gus: Here's some napkins for you. Enjoy. Is the food to your satisfaction? Walt: Very much. Gus: It's good to see you again. May I? Walt: Please. Gus: I have an offer that I think will be of interest to you. Walt: I actually am not here to, I'm here because I owe you the courtesy and respect to tell you this personally. I'm done. It has nothing to do with you personally. I find you extraordinarily professional and I appreciate the way you do business. I'm just making a change in my life, is what it is. And I'm at something of a crossroads and it's brought me to a realization. I am not a criminal. No offence to any people who are but this is not me. Gus: I'd like you to hear my offer, notwithstanding. Walt: It won't change my mind, I'm sorry. Gus: Three million dollars for three months of your time. Three months, then out. Walt: Three million? Gus: May I take this as a "yes"? Walt: I have money. I have more money than I know how to spend. What I don't have is my family. The answer is still no. Gus: Enjoy your meal. Walt: Thank you. Scene: Inside Truck Olive Oil: That's it! Did you feel it? Texas! I've made this trip three times and every time there's three big bumps and that's how you know! We are officially in Texas! This time I got a job waiting for me. I got a cousin who's got a body shop. Yo, that's for me, homes! They call me "Olive Oil" because I paint them slick. I do pearlescent, color-shift, you name it. I painted cars for some of the biggest gangsters in Michoacan. Wow, those are beautiful boots! Not much good for working, but, hey, what's on the toes there? Little silver… Driver: What the hell's going on in there?

{"type": "series", "show": "Breaking Bad", "episode": "3x01 - No Mas"}

foreverdreaming

Scene: Side of Road Walt: Good morning, officer. Cop: Can you turn the music down? Walt: Oh, okay. Cop: Down means off. You know why I pulled you over this morning? Walt: Well, I'm pretty sure I wasn't speeding. I've been using the cruise control, so I don't… Cop: No, sir, your windshield. License and registration, please. Walt: Right. This was from Wayfarer 515. My house was in the debris field. Cop: Okay. Walt: And that's what shattered my windshield, some piece of wreckage from the plane. Cop: I understand. Walt: You know of flight 515, the plane crash? You're wearing the ribbon. Cop: Yes, sir. I'm quite aware of Wayfarer 515. I was one of the first responders on the scene. Walt: Then what are you doing? Cop: Citing you, sir. Walt: What? What, you don't believe me? Cop: Regardless of how that windshield was damaged this car is unsafe to drive in this condition. Stay in the car, please. Walt: Wait. Wait just a minute. Just one minute. Cop: I asked you to stay in the vehicle. Walt: I can get out of my own car. Cop: Sir, listen. Walt: No, you listen to me. It's time for you to listen to me. Cop: Take a deep breath, calm down. Walt: This is America, okay? Cop: Get back in that car. Walt: I have rights. You understand that? At least have the common decency to hear me out. Cop: Step back now. Walt: Did you even hear what I said? Cop: Sir, calm down. Walt: You're giving me a ticket? I told you that my house was in the debris field. Do you have the remotest inkling of what that means? Cop: Sir, calm down. Walt: Hellfire rained down on my house where my children sleep! Cop: I need you to step back now. Walt: There were body parts in my yard! Are you kidding me?! Cop: Sir, last warning. You got two seconds to stand down. Walt: Or? Cop: I'm gonna pepper-spray you. Walt: Pepper-spray me. That is just perfect. Pepper-spray the man who's expressing his opinion under the First Amendment! Scene: DEA Station Hank: Lastly a little something from down El Paso way. Border Patrol came across multiple homicides just this side of the border. Truck turns out to be a chicken run out of Juarez into Laredo. Border Patrol's been playing hide-and-seek with these polleros for two years. But this time, soon as they made it across, someone h*t them. h*t them hard. We're talking a driver and nine illegals. No sign of the sh**t. Steve: So this truck was carrying more than just people. What are we looking at, weed, coke or meth? Hank: No, doesn't look like they were transporting narcotics. Steve: Why'd the Border Patrol kick this to us? Hank: They didn't. I pulled it. You ask me, this is high-end cartel work. Los Zetas, maybe. Question is, why do we have Juarez-style action on our side of the DMZ? They sending a message? Clearing a path? Or was this about stopping one particular border-hopper? Maybe one of those extra-crispies knew something he shouldn't. Anyway, keep your eyes open. All right, that's it. Steve: Slow news day. Add one more to the countdown. Hank: Oh, yeah? What's that, Gomey? Steve: We're waiting on that famous blue meth of yours. Twenty-nine days since we saw it last. Hank: It's still out there, Gomey. Don't worry. Local P. D. I gotta take this. Gomey, go b*at your pinata. Rest of you jokers, too damn quiet in here. Catch some bad guys. Schrader. Hey, what's up, Walt? What? Scene: Jesse’s Old House Mr: Pinkman: Jesse? Jesse: Hey, Dad. Fixing up the house, huh? Mr: Pinkman: Doing a little work, yeah. Jesse: Well, I'll bounce. It's cool. Mr: Pinkman: You doing okay? Jesse: Yeah. Yeah, I'm good. I just happened to be driving by and saw the sign. So you're selling the place. Mr: Pinkman: In this market. Can you believe it? Jesse: I see you moved the garage. That's bold. Mr: Pinkman: Your mother's idea. It's quite an operation. We did all new stucco, all new master suite sandblasted, fumigated the basement. Jesse: Right on. Yeah. You know, fixing up the place totally increases resale value. I read that in, I wanna say, like TIME magazine. So, what'd you do with the upstairs bathroom? Mr: Pinkman: All redone. New tiles in the bathrooms and kitchens granite countertops, new appliances. All top-of-the line. Jesse: Damn. That's great, Dad. Think I can get a tour? Mr: Pinkman: These guys are trying to finish up. Maybe we'd better stay out of their way. There are pictures on the website, if you want to take a look. Jesse: Cool. Mr: Pinkman: You're looking healthy. I'll tell your mother. She'll be happy. Jesse: Thanks. You know, I could come by sometime for dinner or something. Mr: Pinkman: Yeah. Sometime. Jesse: Okay. Later, Dad. Scene: Police Station Hank: You know, look, he's a high-school teacher. He's never been in trouble a day in his life. He finds out he's got lung cancer and now his wife kicks the poor bastard out of his own house. I mean, look, guys, if anybody rates a little slack, here's the guy. Hey, Walt. Remember Officer Cavanaugh? Walt: Officer, I'm very sorry that I lost my temper. There's no excuse for my behavior. It was disrespectful. Hank: Yeah. Thanks, man. Walt: She's divorcing me. Hank: I don't know what to tell you, buddy. It is what it is. Walt: She doesn't want me to see the kids. Hank: She said that? Walt: Yeah. Scene: Walt's Apartment Saul: You don't write, you don't call. Walt: God. It's a disaster. Saul: It is not a disaster. Walt: Oh, okay. It's not a disaster, all right? Saul: She's not going to the cops, she's not gonna tell a living soul. You wanna know why? One word: Blowback. If she blabs, it'll be a disaster, for her. That DEA brother-in-law? Screwed. You were right under his nose. He'll be lucky if they let him bust glue-sniffers at the hobby shop. The kids? Paging Dr. Phil. My daddy's a drug dealer and my mommy turned him in. And the house? Gone. Feds would RICO her and the kids out on the street. Good luck arguing with them on that. No. It's not gonna happen. She's bluffing and she knows it. Walt: Her going to the police is not the point, Saul. She's out of my life. Do you understand? I've lost my family. Everything that I care about. Saul: Hey, buddy. It's bad. It's a calamity. Walt: Oh, my God. Saul: But we live to fight another day. And after a decent interval of time well, there are other fish in the sea. You've been out of circulation for a while. You'll be just amazed at what's out there. Thailand, the Czech Republic. I mean, those women are so grateful to even be here. In the meantime, idle hands are the devil's plaything. So why don't you get back on the horse and do what you do best? First step: Talk to our friend and get cooking. Walt: I can't be the bad guy. Saul: What? Walt: I can't be the bad guy. Saul: Okay. You know, we'll revisit. Just promise me you won't hang yourself in the closet. Scene: Park Kaylee: Pop-pop! Pop-pop, the ice cream man! Mike: Don't tell your mom. Kaylee: Okay. Mike: Yeah. Saul: It's me. We may have a wife problem. Look, I need eyes on it. Mike: You got an address? Scene: White Residence Skyler: Hey. Dinner's gonna be late. Uncle Hank and Aunt Marie are bringing takeout but if you're hungry, I could rustle something up. Scene: Dinner Table Hank: Hey, buddy, pass the ketchup, will you? Marie: What? I've had enough trans-fat for one lifetime. Hank: Two-day drive from the nearest ocean and you're eating raw fish. That's all I'm saying. Been awhile since that minnow's been swimming. Right, buddy? Skyler: Yeah. You know, Flynn here is looking for a part-time job so, I don't know, if you know of anything you might want to… Walter Jr: My name's Walter Jr. Like, what, you can't even say his name? Skyler: If you've changed your mind about being called Flynn all you need to do is just tell me that you don't want to be called Flynn. Walter Jr: Dad didn't even show up till fourth period. And his eyes were all red, like he's been crying or something. But you, you don't even care! And now he won't even drive me home. He won't say why, but I know it's because you told him not to. Skyler: Honey, I… Walter Jr: What? I don't know what your problem is. You may not love him anymore, but I do. I mean, why you gotta be? Why you gotta be such a bitch?! Hank: Hey, hey, hey. No, no, no. Oh, God. You can't talk to your mom like that. Skyler: Hank, no. Hank. Hank, it's all right. Hank: Skyler, I know that you must have your reasons for all of this. Sky, I know it's none of my business but keeping Walt from the kids? I mean… Skyler: You're right, Hank. It's none of your business. Scene: Driveway Marie: Oh, my God. After all of that? Please, tell me that you are still not curious. Hank: There's nothing to be curious about. Marie: Oh, please. Hank: The day I heard the words "second cell phone" I knew. Believe me. Seen it a hundred times. Marie: Okay. All right. So, what? Stop dancing around it. What is it exactly that you have seen a hundred times? Please, please enlighten me. Hank: Look, a guy like Walt? Nice guy, decent, smart. But, let's face it, underachiever, d*ad-end life, okay? He gets cancer. Time's running out. Mid-life crisis. He acts up. He steps out. And the wife, she catches him. I mean, it's a story as old as time. Look, do the math, Marie. It only comes out one way. Knowing Walt, he felt so guilty, he probably told her himself. Marie: I don't know. I think if he cheated on her, she would have told me by now. It just feels like something more. Scene: Saul’s Office Saul: Yes, yes, yes, 24/7 coverage. Need you ask? How much is this gonna run me? Jesus, I'm in the wrong business. Yeah, I'll call you. Return of the prodigal, back to the land of the living. How you feeling? Jesse: I'm good. Saul: Of course you are. The world's your oyster. Am I right? Unencumbered young man with stacks of cash. Hey, I'm jealous. Hand to God, I'm jealous. Speaking of cash, you know what's giving me heartburn lately? Your former partner. This guy, he works like a bastard, right? Builds a business single-handed. Finally the big money shows up and what does he do? He walks out. Talent like that and he flushes it down the crapper. It's like Michelangelo won't paint. Look, I know you're out of it and all but you wouldn't talk to him, would you? Help him pull his head out of his ass? All right, all right, scratch that. Yeah, he won't listen to me, he's not gonna listen to you. All due respect. Jesse: You want a job? Saul: A job? Who's got a job for me? Jesse: I do. Scene: Beneke Skyler: There you go. Ted: Hey. Hey. Thought I'd well visit, if you don't mind. Skyler: Of course not. You don't need the room, do you? Ted: No, no, no. I just needed some more space to spread out. Wanted to say hello to little Holly. Hey, girl. Hi, baby. Oh, it's okay. It's okay, it's okay. Oh, yeah. She's a beauty. Look at her. Skyler: Hey, thanks for being so flexible on me coming in. Ted: I just wish we had you back full-time. You do brighten up the place. Skyler: Listen, believe me, this is I don't want to bring this up, but I can't sign off on these quarterlies. I'm sorry, I just can't. Ted: Is that right? Skyler: If you're gonna do this, it can't be so glaring. Ted: Glaring. Okay. That does sound bad. Show me what's bothering you. Skyler: Keller. Again. Ted: Oh, God, I'm sorry. I know how you feel about this. Skyler: Revenue with no backup. Here, here and here. I don't even know what to say. Ted: Yeah. Yeah, well, okay. This is fixable, right? How about if I just push 28,800 out of this into next quarter? Would you sign it then? Skyler: I'm just saying I can't sign it as it currently exists. Ted: Fair enough. I'll take care of it. Thank you for the heads-up. You won't have to deal with this again, I swear. Skyler: What if your kids found out? Ted: If my kids found out? Skyler: This. What you're doing. Someday they're gonna be old enough. How would you explain it to them? Ted: Well, put me on the spot, why don't you? I guess maybe I'd say that I might have feet of clay but that whatever I did, I did thinking of them. You know, trying to provide. And I'd ask them to try to take the time to understand You know what? Truth is, I haven't thought that far ahead, Skyler. I'm just trying to keep my head above water, so I'd better get back to it. Skyler: Oh, God. Hi, Walt. Listen, I can't talk I'm at work right now. What? Scene: Walt’s Apartment Walt: Louis dropped him off. He was here when I got home. No, no, no, of course. No, he's not staying. He understands that. I'll bring him anywhere you want. Walter Jr: Dad. Walt: Well, yeah. It is rush hour. I mean, I could fight traffic and bring him down to Beneke now. But wouldn't it be easier if we? Right, okay, good. So we'll meet you at the house. Okay, bye. Walter Jr: Why are you doing this? She's just trying to keep me from seeing you and you're helping her. Walt: Well, son, I mean, your mother, she has her reasons. Walter Jr: What reasons? Walt: They're well, they're just a little difficult to delineate. But, I mean, yes, there are two sides to every story, always. But she…yeah. This is just how it has to be for now, okay? Now, look, your home is your home and that is where you belong, all right? Walter Jr: But it's where you belong. Dad, it's your house. Uncle Hank, Aunt Marie everybody knows that you haven't done anything wrong. Everybody is on your side. Walt: Well, it's not about taking sides, though. Walter Jr: How can you let her treat you like this? Walt: Come on. Walter Jr: How can you just take it? Walt: Now just listen to me, okay? No matter what, all of this has nothing to do with how we feel about you, okay? We both love you very, very much, okay? You and your sister will come first always. Come on. Let's try to see this in a positive light, okay? Both of us. Let's just buck up. And I'll take you home. Let me first just h*t the old bathroom here. Scene: Lawyer’s Office Saul: Hello. Good afternoon. Nice to meet you. Saul Goodman. Nice to meet you. Mrs. Pinkman: You're not that lawyer on late-night television, are you? Saul: Better call Saul! I get it all the time. Lawyer: We're here to discuss the sale of the property at 9809 Margo. Saul: I get it. Flat-fee clients, am I right? Well, folks, today's your lucky day. I represent a client who shall remain nameless. However, for our purposes you might just as well visualise a large bag of money. This individual wants to buy your house today for cash. Mrs. Pinkman: Cash? Saul: Cash. I know, in this economy. The money is already burning a hole in my client's account. You can ask Mr. Gardiner. I've shown him all the pertinent financials. Lawyer: It's the only reason we're sitting here. Saul: Fair enough. We get a few papers signed and notarised we can take care of this right now. In fact, I could wire you your money this very afternoon. There's just one little hair in the soup. The price. Lawyer: We feel 875 is very fair. Mr: Pinkman: But I suppose there's always a little wiggle room. Saul: Well, why don't you wiggle us on down to 400 and you got yourselves a deal? Lawyer: Four hundred thousand? What is that, a joke? Saul: No, that's my offer. Mrs. Pinkman: That's less than half-price. Mr: Pinkman: We put that much into the renovations alone. Lawyer: Why don't we just cut the clown act and you tell us what you're willing to come up to? Saul: Four hundred thousand. That's my final offer. Mr: Pinkman: Waste of time. Mrs. Pinkman: Ridiculous. Lawyer: How could you possibly imagine we'd entertain this? Mr: Pinkman: Come on, hon. Saul: I don't know. I thought some allowance was in order once I heard about the meth lab. That used to be in the basement. I looked over your signed disclosure statements and I don't see any mention of a meth lab. Nope. Oh, you got your termite inspection. That's good. But no meth lab. Now, some would call that fraud in service of concealing a felony. I, myself, am more open-minded. But it is tricky. Now, don't get me wrong. I applaud your cojones. I mean, good try at sneaking a meth-contaminated property past a buyer. I mean, could've been a good deal for you. Too bad. Now, I could file a suit and encumber this property indefinitely. Or I could start some criminal proceedings. But I don't think any of us want that, now, do we? How about it, counselor? Do you concur? Scene: Driveway Walt: There you go, son. Come on. It's not Devil's Island. Okay. Oh, hey. Skyler: Hello. Walt: Brought pizza. Skyler: Yeah. Well, I'm making dinner. Walt: Okay, I'll just put it in the fridge. It's even better the next day. Skyler: Hi, honey. Walt: Skyler. I mean, what kind of example do we want to set here, right? I mean, can't we at least just sit down and eat a piece of pizza together? Just hash things out like adults? Skyler: We have discussed everything we need to discuss. I thought I made myself very clear. Walt: I got dipping sticks. Scene: Walt’s Apartment Answering Machine: You've reached Walt's temporary number. Please, leave a message. Skyler: When I went out this morning to get the newspaper I saw a pizza on our roof. Would you know anything about that? Listen to me, Walt. You need to control yourself. Calm down, accept the situation and keep your distance. If you can't manage that, I will get a restraining order. Walt: Skyler. Skyler. Got your restraining order right here! Restrain this! Scene: Jesse’s Old House Mr: Pinkman: Breaking even is not so bad. In this economy, a lot of people would k*ll to break even. Mrs. Pinkman: Poor Jake. He had his heart set on going to Space Camp. Mr: Pinkman: Oh, no. Oh, God. This is all we need. Jesse: Hey, Mom, Dad. How's it going? Mr: Pinkman: Jesse, it's really not a good time. Come on. Mrs. Pinkman: Jesse, the house has been sold. The new owners are expected at any moment. Where do you think you're going? Jesse: Inside. I bought the place. Scene: White Residence Mike: It's me. There's something he should know about.

{"type": "series", "show": "Breaking Bad", "episode": "3x02 - Caballo Sin Nombre"}

foreverdreaming

Scene: Bar in Mexico Tortuga: More. Another. Bartender: Careful, senor. Hot day like today too much oil in the machine can cause it to blow a gasket. Tortuga: There are two kinds of men in this world. Those who drink and those who pour. Shut up and fill my glass. Hey, you two. Yes, you. I used to be just like you. Worked dirt for the man till my hands bled. But no more. Because I learned that a man can never drink his fill by waiting in line for the tap. Bolsa: Listen to him. He can teach you something! Tortuga: Hey, how you doing, boss? Bolsa: Good to see you, my friend. You know, I never pegged you for such a deep thinker. Tortuga: I keep thinking I should write a book. Bolsa: Maybe, maybe Tortuga: So, what brings you to this burro's assh*le of a town? Bolsa: I knew I would find you here. Don't you have something to deliver? Cutting it close, aren't you? Tortuga: Lots of time. Tortuga may be slow out of the gate, but he always… Bolsa: Finishes first. Yes, I know. Just like your namesake. I like the way you talk, Tortuga. Tortuga: Yeah? Bolsa: You've got such a way with words. They flow like a waterfall. I like that about you. I'm so stupid. I missed your birthday. No, I feel terrible. So bad I came all the way here to this burro's assh*le to give you your present. Tortuga: Present? Come on, boss. No need to go through the trouble. Bolsa: Forget it, I wanted to. I have it for you in the back. Tortuga: Back there? Bolsa: Yes. Come. Follow me. Tortuga: It's perfect! Bolsa: Do you really like it? Tortuga: I love it! What a great pet it will make. Thank you, boss! Bolsa: Excellent. Let me sign it for you. Let me sign it "For the big talker." Scene: Outside White Residence Mike: He's still breathing. Well, by the looks of him, he has no idea how close he came. I'm assuming Saul Goodman doesn't need to know. Mum's the word. Scene: Driveway Skyler: Hang on, baby. Walt: Hello. Skyler: Walt? Are you in the house? Walt: Oh, hey, Skyler. Yeah, it's me. Skyler: What? What the hell are you doing in there? Walt: I'm back. Skyler: No, no, you're not back, Walt. You're not back. Get out of there. Walt: Well, it's my house too, Skyler. No I'm staying. End of story. Skyler: We had an agreement. Walt: I didn't agree to anything. Now, look, just come on inside and we'll talk this through, okay? Skyler: No. No. There's nothing to talk about. I am not coming in there until you get out. Walt: Well, suit yourself. Skyler: Walt. Walt? Scene: Inside Skyler: What is wrong with you? Walt: Skyler, I have every right to be here. Skyler: No, you don't. You don't live here anymore. We're getting a divorce. Walt: I don't agree to a divorce. Skyler: Well, it's not up to you! If you don't get out of here right now, I'm gonna call the police and I'm going to tell them everything. I mean it, Walt. Walt: There's the phone. Skyler: It's ringing. Operator: Albuquerque Police Department. Operator number 314. How may I help you? Albuquerque Police Department. How may I help you? Skyler: Yes, I want to report a disturbance, please. No, no, it's not exactly, it's a domestic issue. Okay. They're connecting me. Right hand to God, I will tell them. Walt: Do what you have to do, Skyler. This family is everything to me. Without it, I have nothing to lose. Skyler: Fine. Yes. My name is Skyler White. I need police assistance at my home right away. My soon-to-be ex-husband broke into my house and I need an officer to come and remove him. It's 308 Negra Arroyo Lane. Okay. Okay. Thank you. They're coming. Walter Junior: Dad's here? Dad. Walt: Hey, son. How are you? Walter Junior: Are you back for good? Skyler: Why are you home so soon? Walter Junior: I'm not. Walt: Hey, I am starving. How about a grilled cheese? Walter Junior: Sure. Walt: You want one too? Skyler: Walter. Your dad and I have something we need to discuss. When your sandwich is ready, I'll bring it to your room. Walter Junior: Mom, can't it wait? I haven't seen Dad in, like, forever. Skyler: Walter? Walt: How was school? Walter Junior: It was good. Walt: Yeah? Homework? Walter Junior: No, not really. Walt: Not really? What does that mean? Walter Junior: So are you gonna be at work tomorrow? Walt: Yeah, that's the plan. Cop: Hello, ma'am. We were called about a disturbance? Skyler: It's more of a trespassing situation, really, but yeah, that was me. Walter Junior: You called the cops on Dad? Skyler: I came home from work and he was back. He had just moved back into the house. And I asked him to leave, but he won't listen. I just want him out. I want him out of the house. Cop: Okay, Mrs. White, there's a couple questions I need to ask you. It's very important you answer honestly. Did he strike you? Skyler: No. Cop: Has he ever h*t you? Skyler: No. This is not about v*olence. This is about trespassing. About him being here against my will. Cop: Okay. Trespassing. You're divorced, then? Skyler: No, working on it. Right now, we’re separated. Cop: Legally separated? Skyler: There's not a court order, if that's what you mean. But we've been living apart for almost two weeks, give or take. I changed the locks. Isn't that breaking and entering? Cop: Whose name is on the title to the house? Skyler: Both of us. It's jointly owned. Cop: We can't arrest a man for breaking into his own house. Not without a court order requiring he stays away. Unless he's thr*at you or the kids. Skyler: No. Not physically. But having him in the house is just, it's not a good thing. Excuse me. Walt: I got her, honey. Come here. Here we go. You hungry? You hungry? Here we go. That was it. I'm sorry, officer. Where were we? Other Cop: Disagreements. Walt: Yes, well, we've had our share of that. I haven't been the most attentive husband lately. Cop: Mrs. White, would this be easier if we stepped outside for a minute? Skyler: No. Nope. I'm fine right here. Cop: I'm gonna level with you, ma'am. If you want him out of the house, you'll have to help me. Is it possible maybe he's broken any laws that you know of? Anything at all. Anything that we could work with here, just tell me. Even if it's just a suspicion, I can work with that. I'll get him out of the house for you. Other Cop: What's your take on all this? Walter Junior: It's my mom's fault. She won't even say what my dad did and it's because he didn't do anything. I don't know why she's being this way. My dad, he is a great guy. Walt: Son, it's not your mom's fault. Cop: Mrs. White. I'm sorry, ma'am. There's no legal basis for us to remove your husband from the house. Next time you feel things are getting out of control you should call this number. It's the family hotline. I'd really look into some counseling. Best of luck to you folks. Walt: Listen, thank you, officers. We're sorry. Walter Junior: Why you gotta do this to Dad? Walt: Junior, wait, come on. Don't blame your mother for this. Sorry. Skyler: Welcome home. Scene: Jesse’s House Saul: He lives. Happy housewarming, kid. Don't look so glad to see me. Jesse: Thanks. Saul: Interesting decor. It's subtle. The whole minimalist thing never really blew my hair back, but hey. So how are you doing? Staying clean? Good. I was kind of worried that you were back to old habits since I didn't hear from you, you know. You realise how stupid it is to ignore your counsel's phone calls? What if I was trying to warn you that the DEA was gonna kick down your door? What then? Jesse: Why don't you spare me the sermon and get to why you're here? Saul: Fair enough. Remember the other day when I brought up the idea of you getting back in touch with your partner? Well, I kind of wanted to re-float that boat. I'm not suggesting you yourself get back to cooking. I mean, you being in rehab and all. I only want you to convince the master chef to do his thing. So, what do you say? Jesse: Sure, man. Whatever. Saul: Okay. Whatever what? I mean, you gonna call him? Jesse: I said I'll handle it. Now, bounce, will you? Please? Saul: Final thought. Look at this place. You're house-poor, you got no bankroll. If you get the maestro cooking again, I'll make it worth your while. Call him. Jane’s Voicemail: If you're trying to sell me something, I've got four words for you: "Do Not Call list." However, if you're cool, leave it at the beep. Scene: Inside Hank’s Car Hank: Schrader. Yes, sir. Yeah, what's up? Yeah? That's great news, sir. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, absolutely, you can bet on that. Hey, listen, thanks again, sir I really appreciate you stepping to the plate. Thank you. Steve: So you gonna keep me in suspense or what? What's the good news? Hank: Merkert called in a couple of favors. El Paso wants me back. Steve: Hey, man, congrats, man. That's fantastic. Hank: Thank you. Scene: Gus’s Chicken Farm Gus: Hello. Gentlemen. Welcome. Thank you for coming. Any difficulty at the border? Bolsa: The day I can't get across the border is the day I retire. Gus: Please, come in. I apologize that it's not wheelchair accessible. Bolsa: My apologies, Gustavo. Of course, you should have been advised. It's your territory, you had a right to bless the order. But we had no reason to believe the man was of concern to you. Gus: Indeed, he is. Bolsa: So you're in business with this Heisenberg. Gus: I don't know him by that name, but yes. I've made no secret of the fact that I have always done business with certain local manufacturers. You and I, we still make money together. It's never affected our relationship. Bolsa: Don Salamanca had a nephew named Tuco. Gus: Yes, I knew of him. Bolsa: Then perhaps you know Don Salamanca mentored him in the business. Thought of Tuco as a son. When Don Salamanca was no longer able, Tuco took over for his uncle. He was a key man in our organization north of the border. He was loyal. This Heisenberg, Walter White he was one of Tuco's local suppliers. Until he betrayed Tuco. So now you see, blood must be repaid by blood. Tuco's cousins here, they have the right to exact vengeance. The Salamanca family, the cartel, everyone stands shoulder to shoulder on this. Gus: Don Salamanca. Gentlemen. I feel your loss deeply. Please accept my condolences. I have no issue with your right to vengeance. But I am presently engaged in business with this man. When our business is done he will no longer be of any concern to me. Until then I need him alive. Bolsa: Excuse us. I don't tell you how to fry your chickens, Gustavo. You should really leave matters of my organization's politics to me. Gus: Do I not run my own territory? Bolsa: Of course you do. And I will advise them to be patient. But I recommend you finish your business with the man quickly. Or you risk losing the good graces of the cartel. That would not be wise. And those boys inside I cannot guarantee that they will listen. They are not like you and I. Scene: Jesse’s House Jane’s Voicemail: If you're trying to sell me something, I've got four words for you: "Do Not Call list." However, if you're cool, leave it at the beep. If you're trying to sell me something, I've got four words for you: "Do Not Call list. " However, if you're cool, leave it at the beep. If you're trying to sell me something, I've got four words for you…” Scene: White Residence Skyler: Sweetheart. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's okay. It's okay, my girl. Yes, it's okay. It's okay. Mama's got you. I've got you. Yes. Yes. Walt: Skyler? Want some help? Skyler, can I use the bathroom? God. Scene: Lawyer’s Office Lawyer: What do you mean? Against your will? Skyler: Yes. Very much against my will. He just showed right back up. And he doesn't want a divorce. Won't even consider it. I called the police on him. I was so close… Lawyer: So close to what? Skyler: Nothing. Never mind. Lawyer: Skyler, I can't advise you properly if you don't give me all the facts. Understand, I'm bound by the attorney-client privilege to keep everything you tell me a secret. I can't tell a soul unless you authorize me to. Skyler: Even if it's something illegal? Lawyer: Especially if it's illegal. I'm your lawyer, not the police. My job is to protect you. Skyler: My husband makes meth. Methamphetamine. Lawyer: Your husband's a drug dealer? Skyler: A manufacturer, technically. They call them cooks. I looked it up on the Internet. Lawyer: This is my advice, and you should take it: Sue your husband for divorce immediately. Let me go to the police and tell them what you just told me. I'll go in ex parte to get a restraining order from the court today. If he comes anywhere near you and your children, he'll go straight to jail. No questions asked. This is a no-brainer. It's the best thing for you and your family. Skyler: I can't. I can't do it. I don't want my son to find out that his father is a criminal. I just, I can't do that to him. Lawyer: In the end, it may not be up to you. Drug dealers have a way of getting caught. Skyler: Walt has lung cancer. His treatment bought him some time. But the doctors, they all say that sooner or later. I can't see why I should lay all this on my family when things may resolve themselves on their own without anyone else knowing. Scene: Bar Steve: Man, did I lose a bet or something? What are we doing in this sh*thole? Hank: Relax, will you? Steve: Relax? This is the kind of place you get knifed. We should have went to Chili's, man. Hank: All right, already. Jesus. Steve: Outback Steakhouse. It's not too late. They got that Blooming Onion. Hank: What's wrong with spicing things up a little? Steve: This spice looks like it's been through a couple of guys already. So when you headed back down to El Paso? Hank: You know. Between all the packing, errands, getting the ducks in a row maybe a week or two. Steve: Week or two? Come on, man. I'd be dying to get back in the action. It's not like there's nothing going on up here. Hank: What are you talking about? Steve: Ain't jack going on up here. It's quiet as hell. Hank: I'm gonna h*t the head. Those two over there. I think they're holding. Steve: Man, in this place, the bartender's probably holding. All right. Hank: What you doing? Steve: Calling A.P.D. What do you think? Hank: Since when can't we handle a couple dirtballs? Steve: Come on, man. Courtesy call. What if Vice is running some kind of undercover op? Hank: Screw it. It's your turn to pay. Steve: Where you going? Hank: Gotta take a leak. Steve: Jesus, get yourself some Flomax. Hank: Stand up. Guy: You got a problem with us, bitch? Hank: Your move. DEA. Don't move. Go out and tell my partner to get his ass in here. Scene: Jesse’s House Jane’s Voicemail: If you're trying to sell me something, I've got four words for you: "Do Not Call list." However, if you're cool, leave it at the beep. If you're trying to sell me something, I've got four words for you: "Do Not Call…” Recording: The number you have reached, 149-4985 in area code 505 is no longer… Scene: White Residence Walt: Skyler. Can we talk? Scene: DEA Steve: ASAC wants to see you. Hank: And? Steve: We were hanging back, saw a deal go down. I went outside to call it in. You stayed to keep an eye on the suspects. That's when they att*cked you. What I didn't tell him is that you left your g*n under the seat before you went back inside. Scene: White Residence Walt: I've done a terrible thing. But I did it for a good reason. I did it for us. That is college tuition for Walter Jr and Holly 18 years down the road. That is health insurance for you and the kids. For Junior's physical therapy, his SAT tutor. It's money for groceries, for gas, for birthdays and graduation parties. Skyler, that money is for this roof over your head. The mortgage you aren't gonna be able to afford on a part-time bookkeeper's salary when I'm gone. Skyler: Walt, I… Walt: Please. Please. This money, I didn't steal it. It doesn't belong to anyone else. I earned it. The things I've done to earn, the things that I've had to do I've got to live with them. Skyler, all that I've done, all the sacrifices that I have made for this family all of it will be for nothing if you don't accept what I've earned. Please. I'll be here when you get home from work. You can give me your answer then. Scene: Beneke Ted: Hey, Sky. Skyler: Are your kids home? Scene: White Residence Louis: Hey, Mrs. White. Skyler: Hey, Louis. Louis: Hey, thanks for having me over for dinner. Skyler: Sure. Walt: Hey, Skyler. I'm cooking dinner. Pot roast. So how was your day? Skyler: Good. Walt: Good. Excellent. I hope you don't mind, I invited Louis to stay for dinner tonight. You know, as a thank you for driving Walter Jr. to school for us. We've been kind of absent but, I tell you, Louis really pitched in. Look, I just wanna say that I feel good about our talk this morning and I'm very eager to hear what you're thinking about what we talked about. But, you know, whenever you're ready, of course. Honesty is good. Don't you think? Skyler: I f*cked Ted. Boys, dinner. Iced tea? Walter Junior: Yeah. Okay. Thank you. Skyler: Louis? Louis: Yes, please. Skyler: All right. I want you boys both to eat your salad, okay? Okay. I know nobody likes salad but it's good for you.

{"type": "series", "show": "Breaking Bad", "episode": "3x03 - I.F.T."}

foreverdreaming

Scene: Gas Station Cara: So cigarettes and gas is $79. Jesse: 70. Crap. Cara: There's an ATM right outside. Jesse: Yeah, I don't have a card. Cara: Well, you can write a personal check with ID. Jesse: Kind of in between banks right now. You think I could just come back later? I'm totally good for it. I'd come back, I swear. Cara: If it were me, I'd be totally, you know, "No problem." But my dad is this ginormous hard-ass. He was in Fallujah for a year. And he always checks the receipts. I mean, like, always. I gotta call him. I'm sorry. Jesse: Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second. Maybe we could trade. Ever try it? Cara: I mean, I smoke pot a lot sometimes. I party. But that stuff's really addictive, right? Jesse: Not really. It's just a media thing. You know? Cara: What's it like? Jesse: It's awesome. Everything's maximum interesting. You get these really cold and sharp-like action dagger feelings. It's awesome. Come on. What do you say? Have a nice day. Scene: Saul’s Office Saul: So how does it feel? Does it hurt? Antonio: Yeah, it's tight. Saul: Yeah, but is it painful? Antonio: It's hard to breathe. Saul: Well, you need your breathing. Although let's not lose sight of the fact that you were the victim of a terrible accident, Antonio, so some discomfort is to be expected. Let's go with that one. A cashier's check, por favor. Oh, and spread the word. I'm building a class-action, flight 515. Victims' families would be great. I'll take anyone on the ground who suffered emotionally. Anxiety, sleeplessness. You get the picture. Trouble? Walt: Ted Beneke? You cannot be serious. That guy is a joke. Skyler: You know what? You called my bluff. Walt: What does that even mean? Skyler: You dared me to tell the police and I couldn't do it, so you win. If you want to stay in this house, fine, but we are not married anymore. Walt: I told you that I was done cooking meth, Skyler. I promised you that. Skyler: So what? Walt: You know what? At least I didn't run off to go…Jesus! I mean, everything that I did, I did for this family. Skyler: Just keep telling yourself that. Walt: What is that supposed to mean? Skyler: You don't like it, then leave. And take your drug money with you. Walt: That's what you want. Saul: Jesus. Mike: Garbage disposal. Walt: You think this will get me to move out? You can screw Ted. You can screw the butcher, the mailman. Skyler: God, Walt. Walt: Whoever you want. Screw them all. I'm not going anywhere. Skyler: Suit yourself. Saul: Is this a good or bad thing? Walt: Suit myself. You want me to suit myself? I'll suit myself to his face! Saul: It's a bad thing. Scene: Beneke Walt: Hello. Walter White to see Ted Beneke. Margaret: I'm sorry. Mr. Beneke's on a conference call. Walt: Okay. I will wait. Margaret: It could be a while. Walt: I have all the time in the world. Okay. Here we go. Okay. Margaret: Excuse me. Mr. Beneke's not available. Walt: Ted? Come on. Margaret: Sir, excuse me. Excuse me. Walt: Ted, I can see you. I can see you standing right there in your office. Now, come on. Open the door. Come on, let's talk. I just want to talk. That's all. Come on, let's be men about this. Okay? How about that? Ted: Hey, Walt. I'm kind of in the middle of something now. Walt: Oh, yes, you are. So open the door. You're damn right. You're right in the middle. Just open the door and let's talk about it, okay? Open the door, Ted, right now. You don't want to be a man about it? Plan B. How do you like that? Plan B. Margaret: We have a situation. Walt. Walt. Walt. What are you doing? Walt: I'm talking with Ted. Next time, you'll open the door. Employee: Freeze! Walt: Come on. Oh, damn it. No, I'm just here to talk. I just want to talk to him. Employee: Outside. Let's go. Walt: God. Can I just talk? I just want to talk to him. Employee: Calm down. Walt: Okay, all right. All right, all right, all right. I'm calm. I'm calm. assh*le. What do you want? What do you want? Hey! Hey, come on. Scene: Saul’s Office Saul: What the hell is wrong with you? You act like you're the first guy this happened to. I caught my second wife screwing my stepdad, okay? It's a cruel world, Walt. Grow up. Walt: I just wanted to talk to him. Saul: Yeah, well, now I'm talking to you. Consider this an intervention. You could have been arrested back there. You understand. Speaking as your lawyer, I'm always looking for billable hours. But speaking as your business associate I'm strongly advising that you get your shit together. Just cool it with this Beneke guy, at least for now. Okay? Let's talk shop, because I think this is a great opportunity to channel some of that negative energy into something positive. Walt: How did you know? Saul: Sorry? Walt: About Skyler. About where to find me just now. How did you know? Saul: That's just my meticulousness. Don't bog down in detail, Walt. The lesson here should be… Walt: Did you bug my house? Saul: Yeah! But I didn't know it was your house, did I? You'd moved out. Besides, you basically told me to. Walt: I told you to? Saul: You strongly hinted that I should. You were worried your wife might say something to the police. Walt: What? No, no, that's not true. When the hell did I say that? Saul: Let's not get lost in the who, what and whens. The point is we did our due diligence and she didn't talk. She kept quiet. She stood by you, Walt. Which, if you ask me, is the ironical silver lining here. I mean, on the one hand sure, she snuck off the reservation to get some dirty, damp and deep. On the other hand.. Off me! Walt: You're fired! You're done! Saul: Good! "Oh, boohoo, I won't cook meth anymore". You're a crybaby! Who needs you? And I'm unplugging the website, so no more money laundering! How do you like that? Walt: I want those bugs out of my house today. I want them out now! Saul: You just bought a $300 suit, psycho! Go. Scene: White Residence Walt: Great, drilled right into the stucco. Mike: A little bit of putty, you'll be fine. Walt: Just make sure you get all of those things. Mike: A, these things cost $800 apiece. B, you're not that interesting. So yeah, I'll get all of them, Walter. Walt: Great line of work, by the way. Real upstanding field. Mike: Yeah, well I enjoy it. Walt: You're free to leave now. Anytime. Mike: You know, Walter, sometimes it doesn't hurt to have someone watching your back. Scene: Classroom Carmen: Mr. White? Walt: Hi. What's up? Scene: Carmen’s Office Carmen: I can't begin to understand what you're going through, Walt with all of your health concerns and the stresses you've been under. But still, as educators there are certain responsibilities we need to be meeting here to the school and to the students themselves. Walt: Of course. Is this a wheaten terrier? Carmen: Norfolk. Walt: Norfolk? That's surprising. Carmen: Walt, could you come back over here and have a seat, please? Walt: Sure. Carmen: You've been absent a lot recently. And when you are here at school, there have been some behavioral questions. And frankly I'm concerned. Walt: Thank you. Carmen: Are you feeling okay? Do you think maybe I should call Skyler? Walt: No. Let's just keep this… Carmen: What? Hey! Walt, what's wrong with you? Scene: Airport Hank: You know, look, you're the one always talking about D.C, okay? This is how you get there. You answer the bell. You pay your dues. Besides, you know, it's a big deal to get picked for this. El Paso's like the Super Bowl. I could get k*lled crossing the street, okay? Whatever. You know, I want to go. Marie: What about last time? Hank: What about last time? Schrader. Hey, sheriff. Yeah. Blue, huh? Yeah, yeah. Thing is, I'm supposed to be getting on a plane right now. The stuff this guy had was blue. You sure about that? Yeah. Yeah, I want to talk to him. Taxi. Scene: School Parking Lot Walt: Hi. Jesse: Man, I'm sorry. I needed to talk to you, but you weren't at your apartment. Walt: No, I moved back home. Jesse: That's good, right? Walt: Yeah. Jesse: Yo, did you just get fired? Walt: No. No, no, no. It's more like a sabbatical. Indefinite. Yeah. So, what's up? Jesse: Should we go somewhere? Walt: No, this is fine. Jesse: So I want an intro to your guy. Walt: What guy? Jesse: Your guy. Your distribution guy. The guy Saul hooked you up with. Walt: No, no, no. Come on, Jesse. Jesse: I thought about it and I want to. It's the one thing I'm good at. Walt: No, that is just not true. You're good at a lot of things, son. Jesse: Like what? Walt: What about your sobriety? Jesse: I told you, I'm not using. Ever. I just want back into the business. Walt: Well, I don't. I'm sorry. Jesse: I know, and that's cool. I'm not asking you to cook. Walt: What's this? Jesse: In the end, I just went with two reflux condensers. I didn't want to lose track of my pH levels. But I did everything else just like you taught me. Super careful in my amounts and watched the numbers every step of the way. So, what do you think? It's good, right? Walt: What in the hell is this? Jesse: What? Walt: What? This. This. This is my product. This is my formula. This is mine. Jesse: It's our product, but yeah, I was gonna cut you in. Walt: Oh, you were gonna cut me in? No, no, no. I cut you in. Jesse: What the hell is your problem? All I'm asking is for you to set a meet. Walt: Absolutely not. Jesse: Why? Walt: Because I am not gonna lend my name to an inferior product. I mean, look at the diameters here. What did you use for reduction? Don't tell me. Platinum dioxide, right? Jesse: No. Mercury-aluminum amalgam. The dioxide's too hard to keep wet. Walt: All right, well, you must've done it wrong, then. Your color is all cloudy, so you were struggling with distillation too. Now, this is very shoddy work, Pinkman. I'm actually embarrassed for you. Jesse: What? No way. I gave out samples and everyone said it was the b*mb. Walt: Oh, they said it was the b*mb. And who were they, I wonder? A bunch of meth heads? Jesse: Yeah. Yeah. They should know, right? Walt: Yeah, well, sorry. I can't help you. Jesse: Fine, ass-wad. I'll contact the guy myself. Walt: Oh, yeah? Well, good luck. Because my guy is a pro and he doesn't deal with junkies. Jesse: You know what? Eat me. Walt: Anytime, loser. Hey, hey, hey! Wait. Hey! Scene: Beneke Skyler: I can't believe it's only 4:00. This day is dragging. Scene: Ted’s House Skyler: Okay. I wish I could stay. Ted: So stay. What's stopping you? Skyler: What, like everything, you mean? How about my lunatic husband refusing to leave the house? Ted: So move in here. Skyler: And then my son hating me even more. Ted: That'll pass. I went through that with the girls. They adapt. Skyler: And now everyone at work thinks I'm an evil ladder-climbing whore. Ted: They're all fired, effective immediately. What else? Skyler: Oh, aren't you the answer man? Ted: Where did it go wrong, exactly, with you and Walt? I mean, I always saw him as kind of mild-mannered. Something, I don't know, changed when he got sick or? Skyler: I don't know what changed, Ted. And I just don't feel really comfortable talking about it. Ted: Sorry. Just asking out of self-interest. Gotta make sure I don't make the same mistake. Skyler: I would be amazed. Scene: Interrogation Room Hank: Just let me see if I'm following you here, Russell. You got this stuff from some guy at Gasparza's who was wearing tan pants and who you're 80 percent sure had a mustache. That's it, right? That's your brain working at maximum capacity? Russell. Everything all right in there? Mel. The dude's name was Mel. Hank: Well, there you go. See? You served an actual earthly function. Russell: I can't believe I remembered that. Hank: Mel who? Does he have a last name? Russell: Yeah, Mel. Wait. Was it Mel or Mark? It was definitely an M name. Oh, man, I'm losing it. Wait, wait. Yeah. It's gone. It's gone. It was an M name though. Yeah. I remember the muh sound. Hank: All right, well, we'll go with the muh sound. Thanks a lot. Appreciate it. Russell: Yeah. He definitely had tan pants. Scene: Hallway Hank: Remind me to get a vasectomy. Okay, it's after 9, so this bar that Girl George is at probably wall-to-wall dirtbags by now. Let's go have a little looky-loo, see if we can't find this M-named clown. Steve: What? Hank: It's a lead . Steve: Lead to what? Hank: To Heisenberg. I told you it was only a matter of time before this guy booted up again. Here we go, my friend. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, Gomey. Just apologize and buy me a beer. Steve: Man, you're reaching. This stuff could be a knockoff or left over from an older cook. How do you know Heisenberg's gearing up again? Hank: How do I know? Because I know. Steve: I don't get it. This is the reason why you're bl*wing off the task force? Chase down teeners? I'm getting tired of all the second-guessing. Hank: If you're not sufficiently stimulated by this investigation do us both a favor and ask for a transfer. Steve: What is up with you lately? Starting bar fights, turning down El Paso and now this bullshit? Do you need to talk to someone or what? Hank: Talk to someone? Talk to who? Steve: I'm not trying to step on your toes, bro. Okay? I'm just worried about you. That's all. Hank: Appreciate that, bro. Now take your hand off my shoulder. Scene: Saul’s Office Saul: Yeah, yeah, the one that was on TV. Did any little piece fall on your property? I'm not looking for an entire wing here, Mr. Linkas. It could be a nut or a bolt. It could be a bag of peanuts just so long as it caused you pain and suffering. Oh, no, no, no. Closed. Calling you back. You had your chance. I told you to get him cooking again. You blew it off and now it's too late. The guy's gone mass maniac on us! All I wanted was to show you two your potential. And what do I get in return? A bone contusion. You wanna see the scar? I wish you two had…Hi, there. How in the hell did you get Walt to… Jesse: I made it. You know the guy who knows the guy, right? Scene: Mike’s Car Mike: Well, good news is for stage-three cancer, the guy's doing well physically. ment*lly, the guy's a disaster. He's gone off the rails over this thing with his wife. My opinion, he's not coming back. Not on his own. Your friends were at his place again, by the way. They drew something on the street outside his house. A scythe. Gus: Animals. Does the lawyer know? Mike: Should he? Gus: No. Mike: If you want this guy to produce again, why not just tell him? You stand between him and an ax in the head. Gus: I don't believe fear to be an effective motivator. I want investment. For now, I'm simply interested in the time frame. He will live for the foreseeable future, yes? Mike: Foreseeable. Couple years at least, barring acts of God and men with axes. From the lawyer, I'm supposed to let you know the Pinkman kid is looking to sell. Gus: I don't work with junkies. Mike: That's what I thought you'd say. Probably for the best. What I hear, he and Walter are splitsville. Gus: Really? Mike: That's what Goodman says. Cats and dogs. Gus: Do the deal. Scene: Hank’s Car Voice: You have one unheard message. Merkert: Agent Schrader, you need to be calling me back ASAP. I've got Texas breathing down my neck and I'm not about… Scene: Gas Station Cara: No, I haven't seen Matt since my dad fired him, like, a while ago. Hank: Where can I find him, you think? Cara: No idea. Haven't seen him. Hank: I know. You said that a few times. Cara: Yeah, because I haven't seen him. I don't know what else to say. Hank: What's your name, darling? Cara: Cara. Hank: Where did this come from, Cara? Cara: I don't know. What is it? Drugs? Hank: Look, I'm just gonna come right out and say it. You're a bad liar, Cara. Don't get me wrong. Not the worst I've ever seen. Once I had a guy try to explain the dope balloon up his butt on bad Thai food. Still, you're not a very good liar. Cara: I honestly don't know… Hank: Stop. You look like a good kid. I'm not here to get you in trouble. But you need to tell me where this came from right now! Cara: I never do stuff like this. I swear to God. I tried it and I hated it, so I just gave it to Matt. Hank: Okay, and who gave it to you? Cara: Some guy. He came in a couple days ago and wanted to trade it for gas. Hank: Some guy? What's his name? Okay, what? What did he look like? Cara: I don't know. He looked pretty normal. You know, white. I think his hair was lightish brown. He had really blue eyes. They were really, really blue. Hank: Yeah, yeah, yeah, dreamy. Okay, what else? Piercings, jewelry, distinctive articles of clothing. Come on. Come on. Listen to me. It's real important that I find the person that had these drugs. So if you can remember anything else. Come on, think. Come on, now. Come on. Cara: He drove an RV. Hank: Okay, good, good. What can you remember? What kind of RV? What color? Did you spot a license plate? Cara: I don't know the kinds and I didn't see the license. But the color was, I think, white, brownish color. I'm sorry. I know I'm not helping you but, please, don't tell my dad. Hank: Cara. Please, tell me that that camera works. Scene: Parking Lot Hank: Damn it. Bingo. Scene: White Residence Walter Junior: These eggs are good, Mom. Skyler: Thanks. Walter Junior: Hey, you know what's weird? Dad's website. It's been three days since the last donation. Walt: Yeah, well, people lose interest. Walter Junior: So how long are you off for? Walt: A few weeks. I'll play it by ear. I probably pushed it, you know, going back to work too soon. Walter Junior: Think I can get a ride today? Louis has a doctor's appointment. Walt: Yeah. Walter Junior: Hey, so, Dad can babysit now, right? You won't have to take Holly to work every day. Skyler: Sometime, maybe. Yeah, we'll see. Scene: Alley Jesse: What's up? I think you'll seriously enjoy, yo. Wait. No, no. No way. Hey! Hey! Hey. What the hell? This is only half. Victor: That's right. It's your half. Jesse: Yo, where's the other half, bitch? Scene: Merkert’s Office Hank: I mean, the whole thing was crazy. Poor bastard. I felt sorry for him. I think he actually thought we were the cable guys, you know. Anyway, sorry about those missed calls, chief. I'm changing providers. It won't happen again. Merkert: Are you going to El Paso, Hank? Hank: Hell, yes. With pointy boots and bells on. Got this break in the Heisenberg case. Merkert: The blue meth, you mean? The teenth? Hank: Yeah, well, that teenth got things rolling. I traced it to a gas station in Cibola. That's where I got these. The station's closed-circuit was down. Surprise, surprise. But I was able to pull some of these snapshots off an ATM security camera. We always thought these guys might be camper-cooking. First off, your typical Class C motorhome is gonna grunt at least 5000 pounds of interior fixtures. Appliances, furniture, built-ins, See how high that suspension's riding? No way, no how, this thing's carrying that kind of weight. This thing has been cleared out and stripped down to its tight-and-curlies. For what? Blood bank? Maybe a bookmobile? Merkert: There's no clear view of the plates. Hank: Yeah, well, you can only get so lucky, right? But there's no front plate. Tells me it's likely New Mexico registration. I checked with the DMV. There are only 29 of these early-'80s Bounders registered in the state. Merkert: Only 29? Hank: Yeah. So I gotta go, you know, knock on some doors. Merkert: They need you in El Paso, Hank. Hank: You bet. I'm just gonna wrap up this Heisenberg thing first. Merkert: You're refusing the assignment. Hank: I'm not. I'll go. It's just I need some more time. Merkert: You're not hearing me, Agent Schrader. You're out of time. Are you going to El Paso now, tonight? It's a simple yes or no. Hank: No. I can't. But that's only because I'm really close to something big here. Merkert: Better get to it, then. Scene: Walt’s Car Radio: This is KEC A 480, Albuquerque's news radio. KEC A news time, 10:13. Our top story this hour, Donald Margolis the air-traffic controller criticized for his role in the recent air disaster in which 167 persons died was rushed to an area hospital early this morning apparently the victim of a self-inflicted g*n*t wound. Police won't say whether or not… Victor: Your half.

{"type": "series", "show": "Breaking Bad", "episode": "3x04 - Green Light"}

foreverdreaming

Scene: Flashback to Pilot Walt: I am awake. Jesse: You are not how I remember you from class. I mean, like, not at all. Dude, this isn't even 7 grand, all right? My guy wants 85. Walt: This is all the money I have in the world. You are a drug dealer. Negotiate. Buy the RV. We start tomorrow. Scene: Strip Club Jesse: Work it, work it, baby. Skinny Pete: Yo, this is sick, brother. Jesse: Totally. God. Combo: Yo, Jesse, I got these two fine ladies who wanna participate. You got the funds? Jesse: Oh, I got the funds. Hey. Would you ladies like to meet my fat stack? Get in here. Come on. Hey, yo, yo. Yo, you got champagne? None of that cheap stuff. I want the expensive shit. Don Perignon. Waitress: It's 400 a bottle. Jesse: Oh, well, in that case, I'll only have two. Oh, and I want the tall, skinny glasses. I like those skinny glasses! That's what James Bond drinks. Mofos, I'm all about that. Combo: Yo, Jesse, man, I gotta ask. Where did you get all the cheddar? Skinny Pete: Must be moving mad volume. Jesse: It's funny. You wanna know what's funny? Combo: What's funny? Jesse: This old dude, he gave it to me. Skinny Pete: What? Jesse: He gave it to me. It's his entire life savings. Combo: What? Why? Jesse: Because he's a dumb-ass. That's why. Oh, God. Yes! All right, living large, players. Thank you. Yo, thank you. Thank you. Scene: Parking Lot Skinny Pete: That was…*throws up* Awesome, bro. Later. Jesse: Oh, man. Oh, I'm so d*ad. I only got…Oh, damn. I only got, like, 1400. Combo: Waffle House? Yeah. Jesse: No, man. Supposed to use that dude's money to buy an RV. Combo: What do you want with a RV for? Jesse: Because, like because, like never mind. Jesus. Now I gotta, like, leave town or change my identity or something. Guy's blackmailing me. He's got, like, a criminal mind, yo. Combo: RV, yeah? I can hook you up, bro. I can totally get you an RV. Jesse: No, I need it today. Now. Combo: No problem. Let's go. Jesse: You're telling me you can get me an RV? For 1400, at 6 in the morning? Scene: Combo’s House Jesse: Right on. So do I need to sign something? Combo: No, it's, like, a no-paperwork-type deal. Pleasure doing business with you. Come on, we gotta bounce. Jesse: What? Combo: For real, yo. Get it out of here. Scene: Ted’s House Skyler: Oh, my God, I love this floor. This feels fantastic. Can you control the temperature? Ted: Yeah. There should be a switch right next to you there. It's a thermostat. Skyler: Ted, this has gotta be the most amazing invention ever. Ted: I know. Contractor talked me into it. Seemed kind of extravagant, but I gotta tell you, once you try it, you can't go back. Skyler: I can never find anything in this Buick. Ted: You know, you could leave a few things here if you want. Scene: White Residence Skyler: Why don't you go get your dad? Walter Junior: Sure. Hey, Dad. Dad? Walt: Yeah. Walter Junior: Mom's asking. Wanna come to dinner? Walt: Yeah, I'll be right there. You're not listening to me. I don't know. Jesse: Yeah, right, like you don't know. Walt: What did I just say? Saul: Give me the phone. Give it. Jesse: Like you didn't make some deal behind my back. Walt: Correct. I did not. I was sitting at a stoplight minding my own business, when the man, the kid, threw a bag of money through my window. Jesse: Whatever, man. You owe me that money. Saul: Let me talk to him. Walt: I owe you? I owe you nothing. And I will get to the bottom of this. Trust me. Jesse: Trust you? Trust you? That's a good one. Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do. Walt: You wanna talk about trust, Jesse? Let's talk about trust. I told you not to cook my formula, and you went ahead and did it anyway. Jesse: Because I never said I wouldn't cook it because it ain't yours. It's ours. Plural, bitch! Walt: You did not have my permission. Jesse: All I know is I got half the money I'm due and you got the rest. Saul: Escalating. You're escalating. Jesse: You know what? Escalate this. My meth, my money! I will be a one-man glass factory. I will rock that RV 24… Scene: Trailer Park Hank: It's buttoned up tight. Can't see a damn thing. Steve: I ain't feeling it. No smoke, no smell, no waste. There's no cook. Hank: Could be they're setting up. I heard movement inside. Steve: I say we call it a night, come back with a search warrant. Hank: I'm not letting this sucker out of my sight. There's gotta be a way. There's gotta be a way. There's gotta be a way… Steve: Hey, hey, hey. What are you doing? Guy: No, no, no. What the hell are you doing up there? Are you some kind of a pervert? Hank: Sorry. I appreciate Going after the bad guys. I'm sorry and enjoy the rest of your vacation. Okay? Go back to your trailers. Everything's okay. Guy's VFW. He's cool. We're gonna check out a couple more and call it a morning. Okay, what do you say? Steve: Can't. Gotta get home. Hank: Why, you leave your balls in your wife's purse or what? Steve: Gotta pack. Hank: Where you headed? Steve: Texas. Scene: Hank & Marie’s House Marie: Hey there. Hank? Hank? Can I come in? Hank: Hey, babe. Marie: Hey. How did it go last night? Hank: Good. Marie: Catch the bad guys? Hank: Nope. Marie: Want me to make you some breakfast? Hank: No. I'm heading back out after this. Marie: Now? You worked all night. Get some sleep, Hank. Those RVs aren't going anywhere. Hank: They're recreational vehicles, Marie. That's what they do. Marie: You know what I mean. I spoke with Blanca. She said that Steve's going to El Paso? Hank: Yeah. Marie: I was just wondering how you feel about that. Hank: I turned it down. End of story. Marie: Good. Good. Jesus, God knows I'm relieved. Hank: I needed some time here because I'm deep into this investigation and couldn't do both so I made a judgment call. Marie: You know that you can talk to me about things, right? You don't have to go through this alone. Hank: Do you ask me which lead bib to put on someone before you nuke them? Jesus, Marie. I made a decision. I'm not going through anything. Doing my job. Marie: I would like… Hank: I know. I know. A condo in Georgetown. I know. Marie: If you would let me finish, I was going to say I'd like to be included. That's all. Hank: Don't you worry about my career. My career is just fine. Marie: Did you not wanna go? I don't blame you. I just… Hank: Aren't you late for work or something? Marie: After what happened it would make perfect sense for you to not wanna go back. Hank: I'm onto some important stuff right here, right now. And Mexico doesn't have a damn thing to do with it. Anyone who doubts that, I mean, I'm doing some actual good out here and all I get are these bullshit accusations! What, everyone thinks I'm jerking off on this thing? Fine. But I'm onto something. I know it. You understand me? You hear me? Scene: Chicken Farm Walt: What exactly is this? I'll tell you what I think it is. A ploy. A ploy to get me cooking again. And an obvious one at that. Gus: How do you mean? Walt: As if I would seriously believe you would hire an addict. Jesse Pinkman? Recovering or not. Gus: You vouched for him previously. I took you at your word. Walt: No. No, no, no. Let me be clear. Let me be perfectly clear. Jesse was capable of working under my supervision. Trusting him with a solo venture well, that's quite another matter. How he could possibly produce anything other than a mediocre product at best. Gus: I am told his product was more or less consistent with the quality I had come to expect. Walt: More or less? More or less? Really? Boy, that is the…talk about setting the bar low. Except you don't do that, set the bar low. Therefore, what conclusion am I left to draw? That you believe I have some proprietary kind of selfishness about my own formula. Some sort of overweening pride, I suppose that you think simply overwhelms me, clouds my judgment. But it doesn't. Absolutely not. I simply respect the chemistry. The chemistry must be respected. Gus: I apologize for being so transparent. Would you take a drive with me? I'd like to show you something. Scene: Inside Skyler’s Car on Ted’s Street Skyler: Hi. Is everything okay? Marie: She's already finished an entire bottle, but she still seemed hungry. Then she fell asleep. But I was thinking I'd give her another when she wakes up. Skyler: Yeah, yeah, absolutely, absolutely. Fatten that baby up. Marie: Will do. Skyler: Was that it? Marie: So where are you? Are you at work? Skyler: Yeah. Yeah, I'm at work. I shouldn't be much longer. Is that okay? Marie: You know I love my little pookums. You can leave her with me for the next 18 years as far as I'm concerned. Skyler: Great. Thanks, Marie. Are you sure you're okay? Sweetie, what is it? Come on. Marie: It's Hank. Skyler: Hank? What about him? Marie: I don't know how to talk to him. I don't know what to say to him anymore. I don't know how to…ever since El Paso, ever since. Maybe before. Skyler: Yeah. God knows he went through a lot down there. Marie: People blown up right in front of him, blood everywhere and last week, El Paso said they want him back. Skyler: Yeah? Marie: He's not going. Steve Gomez is going in his place and I don't know how I feel about that. Skyler: Well, he's certainly a lot safer up here, isn't he? Marie: Of course, and I want him safe. But I can't tell what he wants. He won't talk to me. He hardly even comes home. He works all day, all night. Barely eats, barely speaks to me. It's like something's eating him away from inside. He's just not the same. He's not. Facing death, it changes a person. It has to, don't you think? I guess you've noticed a change in Walt. Scene: Laundry Gus: Please. Walt: What is this? Gus: Your new lab. Walt: My God. Thorium oxide for a catalyst bed. Look at the size of this reaction vessel. Oh, it's gotta be 1200 liters. Where? Where? How did you know how to put this all together? Gus: I had excellent help, as will you. Quite a lot of planning went into this. Walt: I would say so. Gus: The laundry upstairs, I've owned it for years. It receives large chemical deliveries on a weekly basis, detergents and such. There is nothing suspicious about it and my employees, to be sure, are well-trained, trustworthy. The filtration system is state of the art. It will vent nothing but clean, odorless steam just as the laundry does and through the very same stacks. I need 200 pounds per week to make this economically viable. You would choose your own hours, of course come and go as you please so long as the quota is met. Walt: Sorry. The answer is still no. I have made a series of very bad decisions and I cannot make another one. Gus: Why did you make these decisions? Walt: For the good of my family. Gus: Then they weren't bad decisions. What does a man do, Walter? A man provides for his family. Walt: This cost me my family. Gus: When you have children, you always have family. They will always be your priority, your responsibility. And a man, a man provides. And he does it even when he's not appreciated or respected or even loved. He simply bears up, and he does it because he's a man. Scene: Ted’s House Ted: Any chance we could grab a quick bite? The Thai place around the corner's pretty good. Skyler: I really gotta head home. Ted: All right, rain check, then. Scene: White Residence Walter Junior: Great dinner, Mom. Can I be excused? Skyler: To do homework or to play video games? Walter Junior: I can multitask. Skyler: Yeah. You wanna take her? Walt: Yeah. Scene: DEA Hank: Give me something, Andy. Come on. Welded onto the back of a house. Well, that's classy. Christ. Okay. Okay, thanks. Hey, Janice. Janice. That the last one? Janice: Sorry, Hank. That's all DMV had. Twenty nine early '80s Bounders registered in New Mexico. Hank: Could you check again? Janice: Now? Can I do it after the party? Hank: Janice, I'm d*ad in the water here. Janice: Okay, I'll check. Hank: Hey, how are you guys doing? Steve: Oh, yeah, I'm gonna clean it really good, I tell you. All good. Hank: Gomey. Yeah. Time for the little bird to fly the nest, huh? The right guy for the job since the bean-speak comes natural and all. Steve: Wanna know how to say "get bent" in Spanish? Hank: Just don't go native on me, all right? Hey. Here. Know your enemy and all. Fight the good fight, brother. Steve: I will. Who got a drink around here? Janice: Your hunch was right. One more RV. DMV said the registration wasn't renewed but then they realized it was never filed as non-operational or destroyed. No police report, either. Scene: Lawyer’s Office Skyler: I just don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore, you know? It's like I'm paralyzed like if I take a step in any direction I'm gonna make a spectacular mistake. God, I could go for a glass of wine about now. You wanna go to? Sorry, never mind. Anyway breaking news is I am sleeping with my boss and I don't know why. Yep. That's a lie. I do know why. I mean, he's a lovely guy. He's a really good person but, I mean, it's not like we're ever gonna…Somehow, and I can't actually believe it but my entire family sees me as some sort of…My own sister, my brother-in-law. My teenage son tells me I'm a bitch. And you say tell him the truth. Tell him about his father but I can't. Ever. How could I? And this man that I'm seeing, you know as wrong as I know it is as much as I know I'm probably doing it to make Walt leave me it is the only thing in my day where I don't feel like I'm drowning. Lawyer: So he knows about this other man? Skyler: Yeah. Lawyer: So then he'll sign? Skyler: Walt says he's not going anywhere so that's a really brilliant gambit on my part. Yep. Genius. He keeps money in the house. Lawyer: Your husband, the drug dealer? How much money? Skyler: I didn't count it. It's heavy. A bag, where he keeps it. Lawyer: Are you asking my permission to spend this money? Skyler: No. God, no. I just, no, I'm just, you know I'm just trying to just talk it through. Lawyer: Let me just say that I'm half as qualified and twice the price of a therapist. There is nothing to discuss here. Skyler: I'm just saying, you know? We have a history. He's the father of my children and maybe what he did… Lawyer: He did it for the family. Right? Well, guess what. That is one enormous load of horse shit. Okay. I'm going to spell this out as simply as I can for you. You are a fool to stay in that house one minute longer. If your husband won't leave, then you go. You are now an accessory after the fact. You are culpable. You, your children, you could lose everything you own. Do you understand? All courtesy of this criminal you refuse to divorce. Skyler: I didn't marry a criminal. Lawyer: Well, you're married to one now. Scene: Saul’s Office Saul: How's about we run through this one more time especially where I do the talking, you don't say jack? Jesse: Oh, I'm gonna say jack. I'm gonna say plenty. Saul: What did we say about escalating, huh? Who's got your back here? Me, all right? I'm going to take care of things. Hey, what are the parameters of this sobriety thing you got going? Jesse: What do you mean? Saul: Can you take a Xanax? Because I got a drawer full of them. I get them from my "chiropractor." Vietnamese, 5-foot tall. She adjusts you to "completion." Her name's Kim Nu Suong. As delicious as it sounds. I should give you her card. Jesse: Hell with this. I'm out of here. Francesca: He's here. Saul: Send him in. Hello, Walt. Good to see you. Please, have a seat here. Mr. Pinkman, if you will. Jesse: You're late. Saul: Gentlemen, if we could come to some accommodation here now. There's always a way to oil everyone's lock. This young man is prepared to offer you a sweetheart of a deal for doing precisely nothing. Walt: Really? Saul: Ten percent of all future profits from his solo venture. That's money you get paid for walking down to the mailbox. Consider it a gesture of respect for your valuable contribution to the business thus far. I'm sure you'll agree that's fair. Jesse: That's charity, is what that is. I do all the work. He sits around on his fat ass judging people. Saul: Escalating. Stop. So there's that, but then there's one small detail. Clearly a mistake was made on the part of our mutual associate when he paid you half of Jesse's earnings. He must not have realized that you two had come to a parting of the ways. Walt: Take it. It belongs to you. Jesse: You're damn right it belongs to me. Saul: I knew I could count on you boys to play nice. That almost brings a tear to my eye. Walt: Enjoy it. Spend it in good health. That is the last money you'll ever earn in this business. Jesse: What the hell is that supposed to mean? Walt: Well, I hate to break it to you, Jesse, but our mutual associate was only using you to get to me. Jesse: What are you talking about? Walt: See, he needs someone with expertise. Someone who knows what he's doing. In other words, he needs me. Jesse: You're telling me you're cooking again? Walt: Yeah. Let's see, how should I put this? I'm in. You're out. Saul: Walt, hold on there. What was the offer, if I may ask? Walt: It's three million for three months of my time. Saul: You're gonna need that money laundered. I mean, of course. What was our deal before? Seventeen percent. That's a shade high. Let's settle on an even 15. That's a nice round number. Walt: Five percent. Saul: Fourteen's fair. Walt: Five. Saul: Thirteen. Walt: Five. Saul: Twelve. For old times' sake, 12. Walt: Five. Saul: I'm a reasonable guy. It's a short-term deal. Ten even, but I can't go any lower and still respect myself. Five. Jesse: What in the hell just happened? You're my lawyer, not his! Saul: That's the way of the world, kid. Go with the winner. Jesse: You think this will stop me from cooking? Walt: Cook whatever you like. As long as it's that ridiculous Chili P or some other dreck but don't even think about using my formula. Jesse: Just try and stop me, bitch. Scene: Combo’s House Mrs. Ortega: Yes? Hank: Hi there, Mrs. Ortega? Mrs. Ortega: Yes. Hank: Hi, I'm Hank Schrader. I'm with the Drug Enforcement Administration. We're interested in an RV that's registered to your name and address. Do you have an RV? Mrs. Ortega: I did. It was stolen months ago. Hank: Stolen, huh? Yeah. Well, then I'm curious as to why the theft was never reported. I'm not seeing any records of it with the police or the DMV. Mrs. Ortega: I just didn't get around to it. Hank: May I ask why? I mean, it's a great way to get the family together for an affordable vacation. It must've been a blow when it went missing. Mrs. Ortega: It was. Hank: Do you have any ideas at all who might've taken it? Mrs. Ortega: I didn't want him arrested. He ran with a bad crowd, but he was never a bad person. I thought he could turn his life around. Hank: Who are we talking about, Mrs. Ortega? Mrs. Ortega: My son. Hank: I'd really like to speak with him. Mrs. Ortega: He's passed away. He was sh*t two months ago. Hank: What was your son's name? Mrs. Ortega: Christian. Hank: Christian Ortega. Was his nickname Combo? Scene: Combo’s Bedroom Hank: Thanks for this. I really appreciate it.

{"type": "series", "show": "Breaking Bad", "episode": "3x05 - Mas"}

foreverdreaming

Scene: Mexico Border Janet: KDK-12, come in. KDK-12. KDK-12. Hey, Bobby, need you to look in on Mrs. Peyketewa. Bobby: She all right? Janet: Her daughter called from California. She hasn't heard from her in a while, kind of worried. Bobby: Will do. Scene: Miss Peyketewa’s House Bobby: Miss Peyketewa, hello? Miss Peyketewa? Miss Peyketewa? KDK-12 here. Janet, Jesus, we got a homicide. Janet: Come again? Bobby: Miss Peyketewa, she's d*ad! I need some backup out here. Janet: Okay. On their way. Bobby: Whoever's in there, show yourself right now! Hold it right there. Let me see your hands. Hands! All right, down. On your knees. You understand me? Do you speak English? I said, down. On your knees. Down! Damn it, get down. On your knees. Do it. On your knees or I'll f*re! Scene: Condo Walt: Yeah? Skyler: I found the papers. Right where you left them, in the crib. Walt: Yeah, well you know best, right? Anything else? Skyler: Do you have any thought about how we're going to approach this with Walter Jr? Walt: Well, he's still my son. I mean, he will remain… Skyler: Of course. My point being the divorce. Walt: Well, I think he gets it, don't you? I mean, I think he saw it coming. He sees your unhappiness and… Skyler: My unhappiness? My completely out-of-the-clear blue-sky unhappiness? Really? Walt: Look, as you said, for the best. Skyler: Yeah. Okay. Last thing and then I'll let you go. In the child support worksheet, you list medical, dental child care, transportation, housing, education, food, clothing. Walt: That's right, all of it. Skyler: Walt. No. Walt: Skyler, you wanted me out, I'm out. But I will provide for my family. Skyler: Not with that money. You'd be making us accessories after the fact. Walt: How do you think we've been paying our bills these last six months? I have to go. Realtor: Yep, I was right. Three units available, exact same floor plan. I can call over, get you in to see any of the others. Walt: No, no, this one's fine. I'll take it. Realtor: Now, unfortunately, this one is the model, so… Walt: Yeah, I like it. I like everything about it. I'll take it as-is. Name one thing in this world that is not negotiable. Scene: Jesse’s House Badger: Yo, for real? This is all you? Jesse: All me. Skinny Pete: Heisenberg who? That's what I say. My man Jesse can cook. Check it, yo. It ain't cloudy or dirty or nothing. Just the right shade of blue. Badger: Good shade. Check out that crystal size. Skinny Pete: If that bitch was any bigger it would be a Jolly Rancher. Jesse: Be my guest. Badger: You sure? I feel kind of dickish with you being in rehab and all. Jesse: No. I can watch, yo. I can cook and I can watch. Skinny Pete: Go for it. I tried it last week. I'm still coming down. Jesse: Go easy. Badger: Okay. Riverdance! Jesse: Hey, hey, stop marking up my floor, dumb-ass. Come on. Badger: Bow before me! I am Lord of the Dance! Shit. I gotta try that again. Jesse: Yeah, no, I think you're good. Badger: That is awesome, Jesse! I feel like somebody took my brain out and boiled it in, like, boiling hot… Skinny Pete: It's the b*mb, man, seriously. Badger: Like anthr*x. Jesse: Good. So you ready to talk some business? Skinny Pete: You mean this is not, like, just recreational? Jesse: I know what you're thinking. Trust me, it's not gonna be like it was. All right, never gonna be like it was. Badger: How's that? Jesse: We sell it safe. All right? We sell it smart. We don't get greedy, like before. Skinny Pete: I don't know, man. Combo and all. Badger: Still man's gotta make his living. If it's like Jesse says and we're not greedy I mean I guess I can see it. Skinny Pete: Had a good thing going before we started pushing our luck. If it can go back to being like that… Jesse: Hey, it will be. Step one, we build inventory. Badger, go see Clovis. Get the RV in shape, tune-up, oil change, brake lights, and whatnot. Cops always pull you over for brake lights. Not us. Cautious. Badger: Right on. You got it. Jesse: You know that buzzer thing? Leave the key in the ignition, it buzzes? Just have him put in one of those too. Skinny, you're in charge of supplies. I'll get you a list. Skinny Pete: Right on. Jesse: Yeah? Badger: Yeah. Scene: Outside Jesse’s House/Hank’s Car Jesse: All right. So we good? Badger: Yeah. Jesse: Good? All right. Let's do this thing. Hank: Brandon Mayhew. I know you. Small world, Albuquerque. Scene: Walt’s Car Walt: Wanna talk about it? Walter Jr: Why? It's not like I get a vote. Walt: You know, ironically I think you're gonna see much more of me from now on. Walter Jr: Sure. Walt: Well, just as much of me at least. I'm taking you to the school, to and from, every day. Walter Jr: What, I don't get a vote in this either? I gotta stop going with Louis just because you're feeling guilty? Walt: I do feel guilty. I am the man that I am, son and there's plenty that I would change about that, but here we are, and this is just what it is. You know what? Call me crazy but I'm actually feeling very good about the future. Scene: Los Pollos Hermanos Gus: Morning. Cynthia: They're back. I'm wondering if we should maybe call the police or something. Gus: Why? They're doing nothing wrong. Okay, let's put this on Table 33, okay? Scene: Lab Gale: Hello there. Mr. White, I presume? Walt: Oh, yes. Hi. Sorry. I'll be right down. Gale: Hi. Gale Boetticher. Walt: Hi. You're my new lab assistant, I take it. Gale: Yes, I am. I suppose you'll wanna hear my qualifications. I have my resume here for you. I received my bachelor's degree from UNM. My master's from the University of Colorado. Organic chemistry with a speciality in…It's all right there. Walt: "X-ray crystallography." Really? I could talk about that for hours. Gale: I would love to. Walt: But first, I'm curious about this. Gale: That's a little pet project of mine. See, in my opinion, it's all about the quinic acid level. You want just north of 4800 milligrams per liter but if you over-boil to get there, you'll leach your tannins. Bitterness, yuck. So I pull a mild vacuum. That way, I can keep the temperature no higher than 92 degrees celsius and…judge for yourself. Walt: Oh, my God. My God, that is the best coffee I've ever tasted. Gale: Sumatran beans and I also have to give credit to the grind but thank you, Mr. White. Walt: Walt. Please, call me Walt. Why the hell are we making meth? Gale: Hey. Tell me with the phenylacetic acid solution you said 150 drops per minute for the first 10 minutes and then 90 for the remainder. Why is that? Walt: Well, my thinking is, by tapering the phenyl you get an oilier aqueous layer, and hence… Gale: Better benzene extraction. Walt: Exactly. But actually, I prefer ether. Gale: Oh, I'll have it for tomorrow. Walt: Gale, I'm wondering how you… Gale: Ended up here? Walt: Well, actually, I'm still wondering how I ended up here, but, yes. I mean, I can't imagine we strike each other as criminals. Gale: Well, there's crime and then there's crime I suppose. I'm definitely a libertarian. Consenting adults want what they want and if I'm not supplying it, they will get it somewhere else. With me, they're getting exactly what they pay for. No added toxins or adulterants. Yeah, I was doing it the way you are supposed to pursuing my doctorate at Colorado, NSF research grant. I was on my way, jumping through hoops, kissing the proper behinds, attending to all the non-chemistry that one finds oneself occupied by. You know that world. That is not what I signed on for. I love the lab. Because it's all still magic. You know? Chemistry? I mean once you lose that… Walt: It is. It is magic. It still is. Gale: And all the while, I kept thinking about that great old Whitman poem: "When I Heard the Learn'd Astronomer." Walt: I don't know it. Gale: Anyway… Walt: Well, can you recite it? Gale: Pathetically enough, I could. Walt: All right, well. No, no, come on. Come on. Yeah? Gale: “When I heard the learn'd astronomer. When the proofs, the figures. Were ranged in columns before me. When I was shown the charts. And the diagrams. To add, divide, and measure them. When I, sitting, heard the astronomer. Where he lectured with much applause in the lecture-room. How soon, unaccountable I became tired and sick. Till rising and gliding out I wander'd off by myself. In the mystical moist night-air. And from time to time. Look'd up in perfect silence. At the stars.” Yes. I am a nerd. Walt: Bravo. Gale: Thank you. Scene: Hank’s Car Hank: Come on, Pinkman. You little rat bastard. Get off your lazy ass and go break the law. Hey, baby. Marie: Are you ever coming home? Hank: Marie, I'm working. Marie: Did you find it? The RV? Hank: No. Working on it, so… Marie: Why can't you just arrest him, make him tell you? Hank: It's not simple. There's a thing called the Constitution. Marie: Constitution, blah, blah, blah. Hank: This kid, I swear to God, I wish I just could… Marie: This is that Pinkman character? Hank: That's the one. Positive the little bastard's got an RV. I just don't know where he keeps it. Until he actually leads me to it or does something I'm stuck here, Marie, so sorry. Marie: Well, not to bring up ancient history but I, for one, can think of someone who might know something. Possibly. It's worth a sh*t. Hank: Yeah? Who? Scene: Walt’s Condo Walt: Hello? Hank: Oh, hey, buddy. Hey, how you doing? Walt: Oh, hey, Hank. What's up? Hank: Listen, I hate to bother you. I just had a quick question. Walt: sh**t. Hank: I only ask this because I'm at a, you know, d*ad end here, potentially. I'm working a case and you know that I would never put you on the spot or make you uncomfortable. Walt: Hank, you could just cut to the chase. Hank: Back when we lost you and I was trying to track you down through your student, Jesse Pinkman. Now, you know that I know that once upon a time he may have dealt you a little weed. Walt: Hank. Hank: Just a little. And I so do not care about that. As far as I'm concerned, you never inhaled. Like you said, cut to the chase. Do you remember if this Pinkman kid ever had an RV? You know, a recreational vehicle you know, like a Winnebago-type deal, brown and beige? Walt: Why? Hank: Long story, but I'm personally of the opinion he's moved on from weed and graduated to selling crystal meth, using it as a rolling lab. Walt? Scene: Jesse’s House Jesse: Yo. What, Mr. White? Scene: Saul’s Office Saul: How's my favorite genius? Walt: Is this a secure line? Saul: Is this a secure-yes, what's with the-hey, hello to you too. Walt: Listen, we've got a problem, a DEA problem. Saul: I'm listening. Walt: My brother-in-law. He knows about the RV. Saul: What RV? Walt: Our RV, the one which contains a meth lab, which is covered with my fingerprints. Saul: What does "knows about" mean? Does he have it? Has he searched it? Walt: No, he knows it exists and he's trying to find it. He has linked it to Jesse. It's a matter of time before he tracks it down. Saul: So get rid of it! What are you doing sitting there? Better yet, have Pinkman get rid of it. Right? You don't go near it. Walt: My brother-in-law, he is surveilling Jesse's house. So he might have tapped the phones or bugged his house. Saul: Jesus. Plan A, then. Go. Get to it before the feds do. Walt: And do what exactly? I mean, what? The thing is the size of a…it's RV-size! I mean, where do I go to make an RV disappear? I'm not David Copperfield. Saul: What do I look like, the RV disposal people? Did you not plan for this contingency? Walt: No. Saul: Well, next time, plan for it, would you? The Starship Enterprise had a self-destruct button. Walt: Okay. Shut up. Scene: Car Lot Badger: I'm just saying, you're good with tools and all. Why don't you invent a water-powered car, you know? You did that, you would be rolling in it. Clovis: Socket wrench. The big one. Badger: What? You scared of the Arabs? Walt: You out of your minds? Why is this in the open? Clovis: Who the hell are you? Badger: He's Heisenberg. Walt: Is this drivable? Clovis: Yeah. I was changing the oil. Walt: Finish it. We'll wipe it clean, take it out to the desert. Come on, help me. Clovis: Hold up. What's this about? Walt: The DEA, the Drug Enforcement Administration. You've heard of them, right? I know you have. They know all about this RV and they're trying to find it right now. Clovis: I want this off my property now. Walt: No, no, we have got to destroy the evidence. We've gotta rig this thing to burn. Clovis: Not here. Get it out of here. Walt: Now, listen to me. I need your help, okay? If I go down, we all go down. Do you understand? Clovis: All right, just, I know a way. I know a guy that'll wipe this off the planet, no questions. Walt: Call him. Badger: Hey, what about Jesse? Walt: What about him? Badger: Hey, it's me. Wanna hear something weird? Scene: Outside Jesse’s House Jesse: Now, listen to me. You get that address. Now, Badger, I don't care how. You find out where he's taking it! Hank: Oh, yeah. Scene: Los Pollos Hermanos Customer: Excuse me. Are you leaving? Cynthia: Excuse me, gentlemen, these booths are for paying customers only. Gus: Cynthia, it's okay. I'll handle this. What can I do for you? Marco: You know. Gus: Sunset. Scene: Car Lot Walt: Ninety-six, 97, 98, 99, 100. Beyond recovery, right? Old Joe: Beyond recovery means beyond recovery. Obliterated, no evidence. Hey, don't worry. When we're through with it, it's gonna be about yay big. Then we flatbed it over to Long Beach, ship it across the Pacific. Chinese turn it into patio furniture so mind at ease. Walt: Listen, can you do me a favor? I'm obviously gonna need a ride. Could you call a cab? Old Joe: You got it. Pleasure doing business. Walt: Thank you. I'll be right behind you. I just need to… Jesse: The hell you think you're doing? Walt: Me? Jesse: No, this is mine just as much as yours! You don't get to just- Walt: Oh, God. Jesse: What? What? Walt: He's here. Jesse: Who's here? Walt: Oh, no. Oh, God. Oh, God. You led him right to us. Jesse: Shit. Shit. Hank: Mr. Pinkman, you wanna add resisting arrest? We'll add it. No skin off my ass. Last chance to do it the easy way. Old Joe: Got a warrant? Hank: Who are you, huh? Who are you and what do you know about this RV? Old Joe: Well, I'm the owner of this lot which means you're trespassing on private property. As far as the RV goes, seems to me it's locked which means you're trying to break and enter, so again, you got a warrant? Hank: Well, I don't need one if I've got probable cause, counselor. Old Joe: Probable cause usually relates to vehicles, is my understanding. You know, traffic stops and whatnot. Hank: See these round rubber things? Those are wheels. This is a vehicle. Old Joe: This is a domicile, a residence protected by the Fourth Amendment from unlawful search and seizure. Hank: Why don't you just go out- Old Joe: Did you see this drive? How do you know it runs? Did you actually witness any wrongdoing? It seems to me you're just out here fishing. Don't see that holding up in a court of law. Hank: Oh, yeah? Look at these. What do those look like to you? They sure look like b*llet holes to me. There was a firearm discharged inside of this domicile. There's a judge or two out there who'd see that as probable cause. Walt: How could you have known they were there before you took off the tape? Jesse: What? Walt: How could you have known they were there before you took off the tape? Say it. Say it. Jesse: How could you have known they were there before you took off the tape? Old Joe: That's right. Probable cause needs to be readily apparent. There's somebody in there. Walt: This is my own private domicile and I won't be harassed. Hank: I'll give you three seconds to get your ass out here. One, two… Jesse: This is my own private domicile and I will not be harassed! Bitch! Hank: Fine. You want your warrant? I'll have my guys bring it and deliver it on a little satin pillow. How's that? I waited this long. I'll wait a little longer. Hey, Vicky. Yeah, Schrader. Get me Merkert, will you? Jesse: You know, I say I say we just ram him. All right? I mean, we start her up and just ram the shit out of his truck. We make our escape. Right? Yeah, he'd sh**t me in the head. Yeah, he'd sh**t me in the head. So, what do we do, man, huh? What do we-what? Please tell me you got something. Walt: Yeah, I got something. It's me. We need your help. Hank: Yeah? Francesca: Is this Mr. Henry R. Schrader? Hank: Yeah. Who's this? Francesca: Sir, this is Officer Elaine Tanner with the Albuquerque police. Is your wife Marie Schrader? Hank: Yes, why? Francesca: I'm sorry to inform you your wife's been in an automobile accident. She's being airlifted to Los Ranchos Medical Center and should be arriving there shortly. Hank: How is she? What's her condition? Francesca: I don't have the current information. But I think you might wanna get there as soon as possible. Scene: Saul’s Office Francesca: You're gonna have to start paying me more. Scene: Hospital Hank: Marie? Marie: I'm just checking in. I'd love to have some idea of whether I should cook dinner or not. Hank: Are you okay? Marie: Yeah. Why? Hank? What's up? Scene: Desert Gus: I told you before. You will not k*ll Walter White. Not until my business with him has concluded. Marco: We've waited long enough. We won't wait any longer. Gus: You'll have to. The decision is not yours to make. Explain to me, why this man White? He betrayed your cousin Tuco, yes. But he's not the one who m*rder him. Was there not another man who pulled the trigger? Marco: A DEA agent. Bolsa says the DEA is off-limits. Gus: North of the border is my territory. My say. As a show of respect I say yes. The agent's name is Hank Schrader. May his death satisfy you.

{"type": "series", "show": "Breaking Bad", "episode": "3x06 - Sunset"}

foreverdreaming

Scene: Flashback in Mexico Hector: Why? Why is this still under discussion? I don't like him.I don't care who he knows. We're supposed to trust him with our products. Big man. Big Generalissimo! Big fry cook is more like it. “The Chicken Man.” You will do what you want. But you have my vote. Never trust a South American. Dirty, dirty people. Leonel: He broke my toy! He broke my toy! Hector: He was just having fun. You'll get over it. Leonel: No! I hate him! I wish he was d*ad! Hector: Marco. Grab your old uncle a beer, would you? No, no. A cold one. This is what you wanted. Your brother d*ad. Right? You're going to have to try harder than that if you want to save him. How much longer do you think he has down there? One minute? Maybe more? Maybe less? Family is all. Scene: Jesse’s House Jesse: Hey, you got nothing on me, yo. All right? You can call my lawyer, Saul Goodman. Talk to my lawyer, all right? You hear me? I got nothing to say. I told you, you can call my-Christ! Hank: You got my cell phone number, my wife's name! How did you do it? Talk! Who you working with?! Scene: Later at Jesse’s Merkert: Yes, sir. If you're ready to talk they wanna get a statement. Your side of what happened here. Or we can hold them off till another time. Maybe you wanna talk to a lawyer. Scene: Hospital Room Saul: There it is. Yo, Adrian. Rocky called, he wants his face back. Come on, I gotta cheer you up. You see that? That's your get-out-of-jail-free card. You understand get-out-of-jail-free card? I mean, just blink once if you're following. The DEA's worst nightmare is that face out in public. They'll have to steer a wide berth of young Master Pinkman for fear of the PR poop storm that will rain down on them if this story ever gets out. I mean, this beating? Best thing for you. You're home free. Good, right? Right. Walt: Oh, my God. Saul: You're now the cute one of the group. Paul, meet Ringo. Ringo, Paul. Walt: This is…Jesse, I'm so sorry for this. This should not have happened. Jesse: But it did. No thanks to you. Walt: But the plan did work. We would've been locked up right now if we didn't lure him away. But this, I just never saw this coming. So what? What happens now? Jesse: What happens now? I'll tell you what happens now. Your scumbag brother-in-law is finished. Done. You understand? I will own him when this is over. Every cent he earns, every cent his wife earns is mine. Anyplace he goes, anywhere he turns, I'm gonna be there grabbing my share. He'll be scrubbing toilets in Tijuana for pennies and I'll be standing over him to get my cut. He'll see me when he wakes up and when he crawls to sleep in whatever rat hole is left for him after I shred his house down. I will haunt his crusty ass forever until the day he sticks a g*n up his mouth and pulls the trigger just to get me out of his head. That's what happens next. Saul: My advice, that's probably not a good strategy. They're scared of you right now. They want nothing to do with you. But if you h*t them they're forced to h*t back hard. I mean, they will turn over every rock hither, thither and yon until someone spills the beans on you and anyone associated with you. Present company included. Walt: Yes, I think what Saul is saying makes a lot of sense. Jesse, move on with your life. Leave it behind, all of it. Jesse: Nothing changes once I walk out of here. I get myself a new RV and go start cooking again. Walt: How exactly do you think you're going to get away with that? They will catch you. Jesse: So what? Walt: What? Jesse: I have a get-out-of-jail-free card. Saul: Hey, I may have overstated the power of your face. Jesse: Not this. If the cops catch me I give them what they want the most. You. They nab me, I make a deal to give up the great Heisenberg and his million-dollar drug ring. You're my free pass…Bitch. Scene: Empty Hospital Room Saul: You're so sure. Walt: Look, if he didn't give up my name while Hank was beating him he's never going to talk. Saul: What do you think that was, a bluff? He wants your brother-in-law. And there's gonna be lawyers creaming their underoos for a case like that. I'd take it myself if it wouldn't cause so much collateral damage. And him cooking again? Hey, when, not if, he gets caught, and he's facing 20 years, what'll he do then? Believe me, there's no honor among thieves. Except for us, of course. Walt: No, he'll come around. Saul: And if he doesn't, there may come a time to talk options. Walt: Options? Scene: DEA Hank: I'm convinced Mr. Pinkman was involved in the manufacture and distribution of phenyl-2 methamphetamine, specifically what we call the blue meth. I tracked him to a scrap yard where he stored an early-'80s camper. An RV. While waiting for a warrant to search this vehicle which I believe to be a rolling meth lab, I received a telephone call telling me my wife, Marie, had been injured in an accident. Upon hearing the news, I left Mr. Pinkman and his vehicle to tend to my wife. Arriving at the hospital, I learned the emergency call was a hoax. My wife, fortunately, was unharmed. So I immediately went back to the salvage yard, but the RV was gone. Most likely destroyed on site. Agent: And it was at this point you drove to the home of Jesse Pinkman? Lawyer: I think we're done here. Agent Schrader needs to get home, get some rest. Agent: That's fine. But just to confirm, you're taking the Fifth here? Hank: Yeah, that's correct. Agent: Okay. Well we just wanna give you all a heads up. Mr. Pinkman is pressing charges in this matter. He's given a detailed version of events as he sees them. Lawyer: The word of a meth head. Agent: We know all about his history. We're well aware, but toxicology on Pinkman, his blood is clean, he's not using. Other Agent: The kid is even refusing his doctor-ordered pain meds far as we can tell. Hank: So where do we go from here? Merkert: A couple of gentlemen from OPR will come down probably tomorrow morning. Janice will give us an exact time. And you men will be continuing your investigation, so. Thanks for your time. Agent: Right. We just need one more thing. A photo of Agent Schrader's hands. For the record. Other Agent: Yes, of course. Bandage off, if you would. On the table is fine. Flat on the table. That's fine. Scene: Lobby Marie: It's all gonna work out. You've been too good to them for too many years. Hank: I hope it goes without saying we're not talking to anybody about this, okay? Marie: Okay. Hank: Marie who? Scene: Walt’s House Walt: Hi. Skyler: Do you have a minute? Walt: Sure. Skyler: I guess crime does pay. Walt: I don't suppose you just came by to insult me. Skyler: No. We need to talk. You heard about Hank? About what happened with this Jesse Pinkman? Walt: Yes, I know. Skyler: Whatever Hank was investigating him trying to find an RV is there any danger that could lead back to you? Walt: No. Why would it? Is this why you're here? Skyler: I'm here to talk about Hank. You know what's gonna happen to him if this Pinkman presses charges? Hank could lose everything. I thought maybe there's a way you could help him. Walt: How? Skyler: Contact Pinkman. Get him to drop the charges. Walt: I don't know what kind of relationship you picture me having with this person. Skyler: I'm not asking. Walt: He's not my friend. It's not as if we were even close. Skyler: I'm not asking. But there must be something you could say. Isn't it even worth a try? Hank is your family. Walt: Not currently. Skyler: What? Walt: I said, not currently. I'm late. I have to go. Scene: Lab Gale: Hello. I was starting to get worried. Walt: Car trouble. Gale: Oh, that's a bummer. You should call me next time. I'll pick you up. Walt: No sandals today? Gale: I just thought- A bit more professional. Well, everything is on track. We got our distillate. Just waiting to- Walt: Let's get our trays ready. Gale: Clean, no moisture. Done. Walt: Is our solvent filtered? Gale: I thought you might ask that. Done. Walt: That's good. That's good. Gale: Hand in glove, that's what we strive for. You know, this might be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Scene: Dealer’s Truck Dealer: So you the gentlemen? Lucky you boys caught me, I got a load to pick up in Memphis. I can hammer it out in about 15, but there's this girl, Lolly. Maybe Fran. She's got this fetish, she likes to get peed on. I was hoping to see her tonight but she wants to sleep before 10 so I wanna wrap it up here ASAP because traffic can be a wild card. Thing is, women who like to get peed on tend to be from the warmer climates. You'd think the ones in colder zones would be more inclined. Maybe it's a shock if the body's not acclimated but, you know, I leave that for smarter minds than me. Science is a mystery. Well, take a gander. Prices are negotiable. Buying in bulk gets you a discount. I'm running a special on these honeys. JHPs. Hollow-point b*ll*ts, known as Black Death. Check it out. Like that? So sweet, you wanna lick it. Nickel-plated brass casing, Lubalox coat. Sucker has six razor claws that expand upon impact: Shred your mama's head like a cabbage. Keep it. On the house. But I been windjamming enough. Tell me what you're looking for, what it is you need. Leonel: Vests. Dealer: Vests? Hell, yeah, we got vests. Right here. Sleek, comfortable, thermally bonded, non-interwoven Kevlar fiber. Stop a b*llet like a soft wang against a Quaker girl. Ain't getting through. And lightweight? So lightweight, you'll forget you're wearing it. Marco: They work? Dealer: Sure as shit, they do. I don't leave home without it. What the hell? You broke my freaking rib, you maniac son of a bitch. You're welcome! Scene: Lab Walt: Gale. What temperature did you set here? Gale: Here? Station five, 75 C. Walt: I said 85. 85. Gale: I wrote it down. You said 75. I wrote it. Walt: Well, you wrote it wrong. That's not what I said. I said 85. It's always been 85. Not 75. Not 95. Eighty-five. This is chemistry. Degrees matter. Gale: I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. Walt: Great. You're sorry, meanwhile you've just brewed 50 gallons of useless sludge. Congratulations. Just dump it. Dump it all. This batch is ruined. Scene: Hank and Maries’s Bedroom Marie: You look nice. Hank: I look like a TV weatherman. Marie: You want a coffee? Hank: No. Marie: I squeezed some orange juice. You want a glass of orange juice? Hank: I'm all right. Marie: What are you gonna tell them? Here's what you'll tell them. He att*cked you. Hank: He att*cked me? Marie: He swung at you with something. Hank: Swung at me? Marie: He att*cked you with a pipe. Hank: A pipe. Marie: It happened fast. He resisted arrest and muscle memory kicked in and you had to disarm him. Muscle memory. Happens all the time. Years of training, your body acted faster than your brain. You had no choice but to h*t him. You had to fight back. Hank: Marie, Marie, Marie. No. I'm not gonna go in there and lie. Marie: It's some lowlife degenerate versus you doing the job you're supposed to. Why should you be the one who pays for doing the right thing? Hank: Oh, baby, it wasn't the right thing. It's not what the job is. I'm supposed to be better than that. Marie: And you made one mistake. Hank: No, it wasn't one mistake. I've been unraveling, you know? I don't sleep at night anymore. I freeze. I freeze up. My chest gets all tight. I can't breathe. Just, I panic. Ever since that Salamanca thing. I mean, Tuco Salamanca. If ever a scumbag deserved a b*llet between the eyes, It changed me. And I can't seem to control it. I tried to fight it. But then El Paso. And it's just gotten worse. What I did to Pinkman, that's not who I'm supposed to be. That's not me. All this, everything that's happened, I swear to God, Marie, I think the universe is trying to tell me something and I'm finally ready to listen. I'm just not the man I thought I was. I think I'm done as a cop. Now, this is not an easy decision, but it is one that I have to make. Scene: Walt’s House Walt: I'm sorry. This whole Gale situation, he's just not working out. Yes, now, it may sound unorthodox but I think our first best option is Jesse Pinkman. Hello? No, look. There's a shorthand that exists between us, experience together at a level that, quite frankly, I'm just never going to reach with Gale. Look, Mr. Fring, when I accepted your offer, I was told the lab is mine. And I know best how to run it. Thank you. Thank you. Yes, I will. I will. Okay. Goodbye. Scene: Hospital Walt: Listen, something's come up. I think it's a good opportunity. There's been a job opening. I need a new lab assistant. Jesse: I already did my time. Why don't you just go get yourself a monkey? Walt: I don't want a monkey. I want you. Jesse: Oh, gee, thanks. Well, not interested. I got my own thing going on. And nice try, saving your asshead brother-in-law. Walt: That's not why I'm here, Jesse. There's more. It's more than an assistant. Partners. We'll be partners again. Split everything fifty-fifty, just like before. One-point-five million dollars each. Jesse: No. Walt: I don't think you heard- Jesse: I heard you fine. I said no. Walt: Let me understand this. You're turning down one and a half million dollars. Jesse: I am not turning down the money. I am turning down you. You get it? I want nothing to do with you. Ever since I met you everything I've ever cared about is gone. Ruined, turned to shit, d*ad. Ever since I hooked up with the great Heisenberg. I have never been more alone. I have nothing! No one! All right? It's all gone! Get it? No. No, no. Why? Why would you get it? What do you even care, as long as you get what you want? Right? You don't give a shit about me. You said I was no good. I'm nothing! Why would you want me, huh? You said my meth is inferior, right? Right? Hey, you said my cook was garbage! Hey, screw you, man! Screw you. Walt: Your meth is good, Jesse. As good as mine. Scene: Walt’s Car Walt: Yeah? Jesse: Fifty-fifty? Walt: Yes, fifty-fifty. Jesse: Okay. Partners. Walt: Good. Scene: DEA Merkert: And this is the statement you want to give? Hank: Yes, sir. Merkert: Hank, you don't have to do this. Hank: No, I do. I'm good. Merkert: So we understand if we write it up like that, you'll sign it. Hank: That's the way it happened. I accept the consequences. Merkert: In the light of these facts as of this moment, you're suspended without pay. I have to ask you to hand over your badge and your g*n. Hank: Yes, sir. Merkert: Schrader. Hold up. Hank: Yes, sir? Merkert: I just wanted to tell you something. And you didn't hear it from me. Don't want you to get your hopes up but the word in the pipeline is Pinkman isn't pressing charges. Hank: Why not? Merkert: Who the hell knows? Maybe you have a guardian angel. Scene: Parking Lot Hank: It went fine. Well, fine means what it means, yeah. I'll tell you all about it when I get home, okay? Yeah. It's- Yeah, it's just- I don't know, baby, I just think I think we may be okay. Yeah. Okay. I love you too. Schrader. Voice: I need you to listen very carefully. Two men are coming to k*ll you. Hank: Come again? Voice: They're approaching your car. You have one minute. Hank: I don't get the gag, jagoff. Who is this? Voice: They're coming. Hank: Hello? Hey, Gomey, I don't know what that call was, but it's dumb even by your standards so call me when you get this. Leonel: Finish him. Marco: No. Too easy.

{"type": "series", "show": "Breaking Bad", "episode": "3x07 - One Minute"}

foreverdreaming

***COLD OPEN*** (Episode opens on a sh*t of police officer Jake Peralta staring seriously into the camera.) JAKE: This job is eating me alive. (Voice-over continues over dramatic sh*ts of Jake exiting a police car, crossing a street, ducking under “Crime Scene — Do Not Cross” tape to enter a doorway, all in slow-motion.) JAKE (VOICE-OVER): I can't breathe anymore. I spent all these years trying to be the good guy, the man in the white hat. (Back to Jake, speaking in real time—) JAKE: I’m not becoming like them. (turns head dramatically) I am them. AMY SANTIAGO (OFF-SCREEN): Hey! What are you doing, weirdo? (Wide sh*t of Jake and Amy, showing that Jake is in front of a display of TVs in a store, his image multiplied on the screen of each TV.) JAKE: I’m doing the best speech from Donnie Brasco. Or actually—(turns back to look at the TVs) ten of me are doing the best speech from Donnie Brasco. (smiles) What's up? AMY: Get it together, man. Okay? (To TV store owner) So the store was h*t about two hours ago. They took mostly tablets, laptops, and cameras— (She’s interrupted by the sound of an '80s hip-hop b*at. The camera pans over to show that Jake, messing around with a keyboard, is the source. He guiltily presses a button and the music stops.) JAKE: Sorry. AMY: (To TV store owner) I’d like a list of all your employees, whoever had access to the store. I'd also like to apologize for my partner. His parents didn't give him enough attention. JAKE: Uh, Detective... I already solved the case. We're looking for three white males, one of whom has sleeve tats on both arms. AMY: (skeptically) And how do you know that? JAKE: I had an informant on the inside. He's been here for years. Watching, learning. Waiting. His code name? (grabs teddy bear) Fuzzy Cuddle Bear. (turns bear around to show camera on the inside and grins) He's a nanny cam. AMY: [Scoffs] You got lucky. JAKE: No, I got here five minutes before you and figured that in this gigantic electronics store, there had to be at least one working camera. (Looks up at TVs, which are now displaying a security camera’s view of the criminals who ambushed the store.) Oh! Hi, bad guys! You did it, Fuzzy. You busted 'em. It's time to come home. (He holds up Fuzzy and begins to talk in the bear’s voice) JAKE (AS FUZZY): I’m not sure if I can. I've been undercover so long, I've forgotten who I am. I have seen terrible things. I haven't known the touch of a woman in many moons. AMY: (rolls eyes and walks away) All right. JAKE (AS FUZZY): Detective Santiago! Don't walk away from me! (Opening titles: Rock music plays as the criminals are apprehended, led by Jake and Amy into the office of New York’s 99th precinct.) ***ACT 1*** (Exterior sh*t of the 99th Precinct building. Text on bottom of screen: “99th Precinct, Morning Briefing, 8:31 AM.”) JAKE (VOICE-OVER): Yes, I did crack the case. (Cut to inside of building—) JAKE: So, Santiago, would you do the honors? (Camera pans over to Amy, who sighs. She gets up and walks over to a whiteboard which, among other things, has a table in the corner that says: “Peralta: 23, Santiago: 22.”) ALL: Ohhh! AMY: I hate this! JAKE (OFF-SCREEN): Ah, yeah. AMY: I hate this. JAKE (OFF-SCREEN): And you're just gonna add one. (Amy erases the “23” after Jake’s name and writes “24” in tiny handwriting.) JAKE (OFF-SCREEN): I'm winning. (Applause from the other members of the precinct.) JAKE (OFF-SCREEN): It's a good feeling. (Cut back to him; he’s telling this to Detective Charles Boyle, sitting next to him.) It's a good feeling. Yeah. AMY: (walking back to her seat) Enjoy it while it lasts. JAKE: (grinning widely) I will! (Sergeant Terry Jeffords stands at the podium at the front of the room.) TERRY: JP, update on the Morgenthau m*rder? JAKE: (getting up from his seat) Yeah! Good news for all you m*rder fans. (Laughter from the other members of the precinct.) JAKE: (gesturing to pictures of the corpse and a headshot of the victim on a TV set next to him) Earlier this morning...Someone decided to sh**t and k*ll luxury food importer Henry Morgenthau. Body was found by the cleaning lady, during her interview, I deduced, using expert Detective work, that she had something super gross on her chin. (TV next to Jake shows a picture of the cleaning lady, then a close-up of the thing on her chin.) ALL: (groaning) CHARLES: I think it was flan. JAKE: Charles thinks it was flan. I think it was butterscotch pudding. (Cut to Detective Rosa Diaz, sitting at the back of the room with her feet on the desk.) ROSA: Maybe it was just old person g*n. You know how old people always have that g*n on them. JAKE: Oldie g*n. Could be, yeah. Anyone else? TERRY: How about we focus on the m*rder and not the old person g*n? AMY: Crime techs are at the scene now. We're heading back when they're done. TERRY: Okay, I want you on this. It's gonna be priority one for the new C.O. ROSA: Wait, tell us about the new Captain. TERRY: Captain Holt will be here soon. He'll wanna introduce himself. Dismissed. (Everyone leaves the room.) (sh*t of Gina Linetti working at her desk and Charles walking up to her.) CHARLES: Hey, Gina. You know any scalpers? I wanna ask Rosa to go to the Rihanna concert with me, but it's sold out. GINA: Okay, two points to make here. First, Rihanna... You... (looks pathetic) And then Rihanna. (looks up and gestures widely with her hands) CHARLES: Yeah. What's your second point? GINA: She's got a type. Which is really anyone but you. CHARLES: Yeah, that was my ex-wife's type too. GINA: Look, a Rihanna concert's a pretty big swing, man. I don't know… She's into watching old movies. CHARLES: Cool. Where would I find a place that shows old movies? GINA: Oh, yeah, just go on the Internet and search for the phrase "I want to buy two movie tickets for a girl who doesn't like me." CHARLES: Great. Thank you. (gets up to leave) GINA: Good. (Cut to Amy standing in front of Jake’s desk.) AMY: Hey, you heard anything about the new Captain? JAKE: Uh, no, and I don't care. I just wish Captain McGintley never left. He was the best. AMY: He was terrible! You just liked him 'cause he let you do anything you wanted. (Begin flashback to Jake and Rosa in swivel chairs, holding f*re extinguishers with the nozzles pointed outward, as the other officers stand around them clapping excitedly.) JAKE: On your marks, get set... OFFICER (OFF-SCREEN): Go. (The clapping dies down as the old captain, Captain McGintley, enters the room.) MCGINTLEY: What the hell's going on around here? JAKE: f*re extinguisher roller chair derby? MCGINTLEY: Okay. (Leaves) (The clapping and cheering starts up again.) JAKE: And go! (He and Rosa spray their f*re extinguishers outwards, propelling them backwards in their chairs, as everyone laughs and cheers boisterously.) JAKE: Yeah! (End flashback.) JAKE: What's your point? AMY: If I'm ever gonna make Captain, I need a good mentor. I need my rabbi. JAKE: Sorry, dude... But this new guy's gonna be another washed-up pencil pusher who's only concerned with... (robotically) Following every rule in the patrol guide. Meep morp zeep. (The officers around him stare at him uncomfortably; Jake is oblivious as he continues to do his impression.) JAKE: (robotically) Robot Captain Engage… CAPTAIN HOLT: (standing behind him) Is that what you think? JAKE: (gets up from his chair to greet Holt) He-hey! New Captain alert. (Laughs) You must be the new C.O. I'm Detective Jake Peralta. Great to meet you. HOLT: (deadpan) Now don't let me interrupt. You were describing what kind of person I'm gonna be. I'd like you to finish. JAKE: That's not necessary. (b*at; Holt stares at him.) Or I could recap very quickly, sure. Um, let's see. I think I said some joke about being a washed-up pencil pusher. HOLT: Now do the robot voice. JAKE: Which... HOLT: The robot voice you were doing when you implied I'm a rule-following robot. I wanna hear it again. (The other officers stare uncomfortably. Amy looks like she’s enjoying this.) JAKE: (feebly) Meep morp... zarp. Robot. HOLT: That's a terrible robot voice. JAKE: Yep. HOLT: The next time I see you, I'd like you to be wearing a necktie. (walks away, towards the front of the room) JAKE: Oh, actually, the last Captain didn't care if we wore ties. HOLT: Well, your new Captain does. And more importantly, he cares that you follow his direct orders. (to the room at large) Everyone, I'm your new commanding officer, Captain Ray Holt. AMY: Speech! HOLT: That was my speech. AMY: (nodding approvingly) Short and sweet. HOLT: Sergeant Jeffords, a word. TERRY: (nodding and walking towards Holt) Yes, sir. AMY: (sighs; to Jake) I love that guy. JAKE: Same! GINA: He's so suave. Does anyone get a little bit of a gay vibe? (Jake and Amy are silent) GINA: No? Okay. (In the Captain’s office, Holt places a nameplate on his desk that reads “Captain Ray Holt.”) HOLT: Sergeant, you were in the 1-8 with me... though you were significantly... (b*at. Terry stands on the other side of Holt’s desk.) TERRY: Fatter, sir. They called me "Terry Titties." Because I had large, uh... HOLT: Titties, yes. I remember. I never liked that nickname. Though to be fair, it was accurate. What's this I hear about you being on administrative leave? TERRY: A year ago, my wife and I had twin baby girls, Cagney and Lacey. (Smiles and pulls out his wallet, showing a picture of the girls to Holt.) HOLT: (deadpan) They have adorable chubby cheeks. TERRY: Ever since, I kinda got scared of getting hurt. Lost my edge. There was an incident in a department store. (Begin flashback to Terry and Jake in uniform and on duty in a department store, situated behind racks of clothes.) JAKE: Hey, man, you okay? You look a little jumpy. TERRY: I’m fine. I'm fine. (A clanging noise is heard and Terry jumps out, screaming, and fires his g*n several times in succession. Cut to a sh*t of what he’s sh**ting — not a person, but a mannequin — but evidently he doesn’t realize because he continues to f*re, shattering several mirrors. He finally runs out of b*ll*ts and the g*n clicks as he breathes heavily. The mannequin falls over, lifeless.) JAKE: I think he's d*ad. (End flashback.) TERRY: And I'm still not right. HOLT: (getting up from his desk) Tell me about your Detective squad. (Terry clears his throat and turns towards the window of Holt’s office, which faces the main office of the precinct.) TERRY: Um... Well, Scully, Hitchcock, and Daniels. (Cut to sh*t of one woman and two men, all older-looking, all holding cups and talking amongst themselves.) TERRY (VOICE-OVER): They're pretty much worthless, but they make good coffee. HOLT: Copy that. TERRY: Now the good ones. Rosa Diaz. (Cut to sh*t of Rosa, working at her computer at her desk.) Tough, smart, hard to read, and really scary. (Rosa stops working and lightly strikes the side of her computer with her hand. This is evidently ineffective, because she then starts beating it harder, over and over.) (Begin flashback to precinct in the wintertime, with Christmas decorations.) ROSA: (to Hitchcock) Tell me who has me for Secret Santa. HITCHCOCK: No! That takes all the fun out of it. (Rosa stares at him intimidatingly) HITCHCOCK: It's Scully. He got you a scarf. I'll make him return it. ROSA: Yes, you will. (walks away) (End flashback.) TERRY: Charles Boyle. He's a grinder. Not the most brilliant Detective, but he works harder than anyone else. (We see Charles, simultaneously talking on the phone and lifting a large quantity of files.) He's not physically…gifted. (Begin flashback to Charles in the precinct kitchen. He’s holding a muffin, but he drops it.) CHARLES: Oh, man! My muffin. (He bends down to get it and bonks his head on the counter.) CHARLES: (anguished) Ahh! Oh, my head! My muffin, my head! And I stepped on the... On my muffin! And my head and my muffin… (End flashback.) TERRY (VOICE-OVER): Amy Santiago. (Amy is studiously reviewing some files.) She's got seven brothers, so she's always trying to prove she's tough. (Begin flashback to Amy eating lunch, putting some hot sauce on her sandwich. Scully is sitting next to her.) SCULLY: Careful. That stuff's pretty hot. AMY: (defiantly) Oh, is it? Hmm? (She pops the top off the bottle of hot sauce and pours a generous amount on her sandwich, then bites into it. She makes a pained expression of instant regret, turning away to gag and cough. Scully is indifferent.) (End flashback.) TERRY (VOICE-OVER): She and Peralta have some big bet over who gets more arrests this year. (We see Jake and Amy at their desks near each other; they both glance up and look at each other.) Ever since the bet, their numbers have gone way up. HOLT: Tell me about Peralta. TERRY (VOICE-OVER): Jacob Peralta is my best Detective. (We see Jake staring intimidatingly at a little toy cop figurine in his hand, as if interrogating it.) TERRY: He likes putting away bad guys and he loves solving puzzles. The only puzzle he hasn't solved is how to grow up. HOLT: That was very well put. TERRY: I’ve talked a lot about Jake in my departmentally mandated therapy sessions. HOLT: Look, you know my history. You know how important this is to me. This precinct is doing fine, but I wanna make it the best one in Brooklyn. And I need your help. TERRY: Absolutely, sir. (He and Holt shake hands.) Where do we start? (Jake snaps his fingers and shimmies up to Amy’s desk.) JAKE: (whisper-singing) ♪ What is happening? ♪ HOLT: We start with him. ***ACT 2*** (Exterior sh*t of the apartment building where the m*rder victim lived. Text on bottom of screen: “Morgenthau’s Apartment, 1:15 PM.”) (Cut to Charles, Rosa, Jake, and a few other unspecified officers in the apartment, investigating.) JAKE: Okay, so the perp came in through the window, left the muddy red footprint, and apparently had s*x with the dish rack. (As he speaks, we see sh*ts of the footprint and dish rack in question.) AMY: Shell casing found here. Two sh*ts. (makes finger g*n) Bang, bang. JAKE: Great work, Detective. (takes a necktie out of his pocket) You get a tie. (tosses it to Amy) CHARLES: Hey, that's mine. You took it from my desk. JAKE: That's right, Charles. Good solve. Tie for you. (tosses Charles a tie) CHARLES: (pleased) Thanks! (Rosa laughs) JAKE: Now everyone be sure to put those on, because it's impossible to solve crimes unless you're wearing a tie. AMY: Lay off the Captain. That man is gonna be my rabbi. JAKE: Okay, first of all, when you use the word "rabbi," you know that turns me on and that's unfair in the work environment. Secondly, your rabbi is a pain in my ass. CHARLES: Yeah, he's a little too serious. What do you think, Rosa? ROSA: He seems cool. CHARLES: Yeah, he seems cool. I agree. ROSA: (reading from a notepad) Looks like the perp stole a computer, a watch, and a Jamon lberico ham, valued at... (laughs incredulously) what?! $6,000. JAKE: $6,000 for a ham? CHARLES: Jamon lberico is an amazing cured ham from Spain. They had it at my uncle's funeral. I gorged myself at that funeral. I mean, I was constipated for three days. JAKE: Wow, that's a great story, Charles, thank you. (Charles laughs) JAKE: All right, listen up, everybody. Better contact Captain Holt, let him know we got a ten-tie situation. HOLT: (behind Jake) Speaking of ties, where's yours, meep morp? JAKE: (shakes head; under his breath) This is fantastic. (turns around to face Holt) Captain! Hey! Welcome to the m*rder. What are you doing here? HOLT: I like to know what my detectives are up to. That okay by you? JAKE: Yep. HOLT: Take Santiago and knock on doors. See if the neighbors heard anything. JAKE: Door duty? It's a waste of time. HOLT: Diaz and Boyle. Check in with the coroner. Report back to me in an hour. (leaves) JAKE: (sighs) That went well. HOLT (OFF-SCREEN): No, it didn't. JAKE: He's got, like, super hearing. (Cut to Rosa walking to her car and Charles running after her.) CHARLES: Hey, Rosa! Rosa. Rosa! (catching up to her as she opens her car door) Um, I just happened to notice that there's an old movie festival playing at the film forum this week. Wanna go? ROSA: Sure. CHARLES: Cool! Awesome. (Rosa gets into her car and shuts the door) There's a bunch of movie options. I'll probably just go with something classic like Citizen Kane. ROSA: Citizen Kane is terrible. Pick a good movie. (starts the engine) CHARLES: Good call. Smart. (Rosa drives away) I'll do it. I'll pick a better movie than Citizen Kane. (Exterior sh*t of the precinct building.) HOLT (VOICE-OVER): So, Gina... (Cut to Gina and Holt in Holt’s office.) HOLT: Civilian administrators like yourself often have their ear to the ground. What do Santiago and Peralta have riding on this bet of theirs? GINA: I will tell you on six conditions. Number one, you let me use your office to practice my dance moves. Second... HOLT: How about this? If you tell me... GINA: Mm-hmm. HOLT: I won't have you suspended... Without pay. GINA: Oh, that sounds great. Okay, the deal is if Amy gets more arrests, Jake has to give her his car. It's an old Mustang, and it's pretty sweet. If he gets more arrests, she has to go on a date with him. He guarantees… (makes a circling motion with her finger) it will end in s*x. I bet on at least some over-the-clothes action. At the very least, some touching... HOLT: No, that's enough, Gina. GINA: (gestures over her torso) Caresses. I could see him showing up in a silk robe… HOLT: That's enough, Gina. GINA: All right. HOLT: Thank you. (Exterior sh*t of the m*rder victim’s apartment building. Text on bottom of screen: “Morgenthau’s Building, Door Duty, 1:45 PM.) JAKE (VOICE-OVER): Let the wasting of time begin. (Cut to sh*t of Jake and Amy in a hallway of the apartment building. Jake knocks on a door and a young dude with shaggy hair and glasses opens it. A couple other young adults are visible behind him in the apartment.) AMY: Hello, sir. Can we ask you a few questions? YOUNG DUDE: Definitely. Yeah. I'm actually... I'm super glad you guys are here right now. Are you smelling that weed smell? JAKE AND AMY: (nod; in unison) Yeah. YOUNG DUDE: ‘Cause a dude broke in, smoked weed, and bolted. (Laughs) It's... JAKE: Do you think it's the same dude that left that bong there on the floor? YOUNG DUDE: (looks down at his apartment floor, then back at Jake and Amy) Yes? (Cut to Jake and Amy knocking on a different door.) JAKE: Police! (MLEPNOS, a foreign man with wild eyes, opens the door a crack.) AMY (OFF-SCREEN): Hello. MLEPNOS: Hello. AMY: What's your name? MLEPNOS: My name? AMY: Mm-hmm. MLEPNOS: Mlepnos. (Both Amy and Jake look bewildered.) AMY: Can you spell that, please? MLEPNOS: M-l-e-p…clay— AMY: Did you say "Clay"? MLEPNOS: Yes, the "Clay" is silent. AMY: All right, got it. (holds up a photo of Morgenthau) Have you seen this man before? He was sh*t last night. MLEPNOS: (takes the photo from Amy) Oh. Thank you. (begins to close the door) AMY: No, sir, that's ours. We need that. We... (Door shuts) JAKE: And he kept it. (Cut to Jake and Amy arriving at another apartment; we see the doormat on the floor in front of the door.) AMY: Wall Street journal on the doormat... Top floor apartment. 20 bucks says this guy's like a hot, eligible bachelor. JAKE: I’ll take that action. (knocks on door) Police! Open up! (An elderly man with white hair, who is wearing a bathrobe, opens the door.) OLD MAN: Hello. JAKE: (laughing delightedly) Oh! Hello, sir! How are you today? I am Detective Right-All-The-Time, and this is my partner Detective Terrible Detective. (He points at Amy, who looks annoyed.) (Exterior sh*t of the precinct building. Cut to Charles, Rosa, Holt, Amy, and Jake inside the office, going over the facts of the case.) CHARLES: No surprises from the coroner. A few g*n, shoulder and chest. JAKE: None of the neighbors heard or saw anything. And what's worse— (points to Amy) Santiago struck out with a 92-year-old. AMY: (to Holt) That is not accurate, sir. JAKE: Wait, you hooked up with him? Ugh! HOLT: All right, h*t the pawn shops and canvass the neighborhood. (points to Jake) And while you're out, you can buy yourself a tie. JAKE: Oh, actually, sir.. (stands up) I'm wearing a tie right now. (Lifts his shirt up to reveal a tie tied around his stomach, like a belt but higher up, secured with a knot. It’s also worth mentioning that his torso is completely smooth and hairless.) Check it out. Secret tie. HOLT: First of all, I think you're kind of overdoing it with the manscaping. But more importantly, Detective, why do you refuse to take my orders seriously? (to all four of the detectives) Does anyone here know why it's so important to me that you all dress appropriately? (They are all silent.) HOLT: Hmm. Four highly trained detectives and not one of you can solve this simple mystery. I wanna be briefed on any new developments. Any questions? JAKE: I was gonna ask you if you thought I was doing too much manscaping, but we solved that one. So I'm good. (Holt walks away.) JAKE (OFF-SCREEN): Hey, Boyle. CHARLES: Yep. JAKE: What about this fancy ham stuff? CHARLES: Jamon lberico. JAKE: Yes. The perp left a really expensive TV but then stole ham? It doesn't make sense. Is there a place nearby the crime scene that sells it? CHARLES: (thinks for a second) Beneficio's might. JAKE: Let's go. (gets his coat from his chair) CHARLES: You gotta brief the C.O. first. JAKE: (leaving) We'll brief him after we catch the guy. (Charles looks back, then leaves with Jake.) (Exterior sh*t of Beneficio’s, a food market. Text on bottom of screen: “Beneficio’s Gourmet Market, 1:45 PM.” Cut to inside of the market, where Jake and Charles are talking with RATKO, a butcher behind the counter.) RATKO: My name is Ratko. I don't know anything. JAKE: Oh, okay. (holds up photo) You recognize this guy? Henry Morgenthau? RATKO: (looking away) No. (b*at of silence) JAKE: Maybe actually… look at the picture. RATKO: I don't know him. I don't know what happened. No more questions. JAKE: Well, why don't I run a scenario past you, Ratko, and you tell me what you think? You do know Morgenthau. He came in here and tried to sell you some hams. You knew they were worth a lotta money, so you tried to steal them from him when he wasn't home. Only he was home, so you sh*t him. Does that sound familiar? (Ratko is silent.) JAKE: Uh, maybe some role play will jog your memory? CHARLES: Great idea. JAKE: Okay, yeah. CHARLES: Okay. So I'm... I'm Ratko. JAKE: No, no, I'm Ratko. CHARLES: Come on. I'm always the victim. JAKE: Look, I'm not doing this with you right here— CHARLES: Fine, fine. (clears throat; in an affected accent) Oh! I'm Henry Morgenthau, owner of delicious and expensive hams. (Gestures to Jake) Don't I know you from the grocery store? JAKE: (with a finger g*n) k*ll! And scene. (Both of them look at Ratko, who says nothing for a second, then sweeps everything off the counter and leaps over it.) JAKE: (yelling) NYPD! Everyone down! (He holds up a g*n. There’s a woman next to him.) Ma'am, if you could just get down, or... ignore me and continue shopping. Boyle, get the door! CHARLES: On it! JAKE: (calls out) Ratko! (Jake walks through the aisles of the food market, looking around and searching for Ratko, his g*n still poised. Suddenly, Ratko leaps out at him, knocking his g*n from his hand. Charles sees this and rushes over, holding his own g*n. A brawl breaks out between Ratko and Jake; Ratko forcefully pushes Jake against the shelves several times, but Jake gets the upper hand against Ratko and laughs triumphantly. But Ratko manages to push both Jake and Charles down and run away, leaping back over the counter. From there, he begins throwing food items at the two of them.) JAKE (OFF-SCREEN): Ow, Ratko, ow! CHARLES: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Ratko! JAKE: I’m getting mad! CHARLES: (ducking and trying to dodge the food items) That's a waste of manchego! JAKE: Charles! (Jake gestures for Charles to get away, and Charles complies. Jake peeks behind the aisle and sees the same woman as before, still peacefully shopping.) JAKE: How are you still here? CHARLES (OFF-SCREEN): (shrilly) Jake! Little help! (We see Charles behind the counter; Ratko is pushing his face into the food.) CHARLES: (muffled) Ratko! He's not going anywhere, Jake! JAKE: (yelling) Ratko! (He propels himself over the counter) (Ratko has Charles’ legs now.) CHARLES (muffled): I got him! I got him! Don't worry! (But as he’s saying this, Ratko lets go of Charles’ legs and escapes. Charles frees himself from the counter and gets up, covered in food, both he and Jake looking defeated.) JAKE (OFF-SCREEN:) So no, I did not brief you. And yes, he did get away… (Cut to Holt’s office, where Terry and Holt are listening to Jake speak, Holt looking disapproving. Charles is next to Jake, still covered in food.) JAKE: But some bonus good news... (holding up a container of ice cream) I got you hazelnut. (puts it in front of Holt’s desk; whispering as he adjusts the plastic spoon) And... a little spoon there for you. (Holt still looks disapproving.) ***ACT 3*** (Cut to Jake, Amy, and Terry in the records room, filled with shelves and shelves of files.) JAKE: (scoffs) Is he seriously assigning me to the records room? I mean, why do we even have a records room? Computer's been invented, right? I didn't dream it? TERRY: You're lucky, man. I wish I could get assigned here full-time. You could not be farther from the action. JAKE: Sergeant, you know me. I have more arrests than anyone. Will you please tell the Captain how dumb it is to lock his best detective in a file cabinet? AMY: Second best. TERRY: You're wrong about Holt. That man has forgotten more about being a cop than you will ever know. In 1981, he caught the disco strangler. (Begin flashback to a young Holt in the 80s, with darker hair, glasses, and a thick, dark mustache. Light disco music plays as he holds up a g*n.) YOUNG HOLT: It's over, disco man! Put down the yo-yo and back away from the girl. (A guy with an afro, holding a flashing blue yo-yo and a terrified-looking blonde girl, is shown.) (End flashback.) JAKE: Wow. TERRY: The man is the real deal. You need to listen to him. AMY: Gonna be hard to win our bet when you're on the bench, Peralta. Although I did start a new category. "m*rder we let go." (Holds up a legal pad with “m*rder We Let Go” written across the top. Underneath, it says “Jake: 1. Amy: 0.”) And look at that. You're winning. (She looks delighted; Jake smiles tightly.) Have fun with your files. (walks away, satisfied) JAKE: (calling after her) Yeah, you know what, I will have fun with my files. Have fun with your face! (tries to slam the wire door of the records room, but it just swings right back out again) Slam! That was a slam. (Cut back to the main office of the precinct. Rosa walks over to Charles’ desk and bangs against it, startling him.) ROSA: So what movie did you get us tickets to? CHARLES: Oh, well, just to be safe, I bought tickets to all of them. ROSA: Just to be safe? What does that mean? CHARLES: I don't know, I didn't wanna mess up. Because you're sort of... Opinionated. ROSA: You think I'm opinionated? Okay, here's an opinion for you. You're a bad judge of character and your shirt looks like vomit. (b*at.) CHARLES: So we can go see North by Northwest? ROSA: We're not seeing a movie together. CHARLES: Good call. Smart. Keep it profesh. (Rosa walks away. The camera pans over to Gina, who gives a thumbs-up. Charles nods at her and smiles. Then Gina changes her thumbs-up to a thumbs-down and blows a raspberry. She mimics an expl*si*n with her hands and mouth. Charles nods, disappointed.) (Cut back to the records room. Holt enters, knocking. Jake is going through records and is now wearing a blue-and-white striped tie.) JAKE: Hey, Captain. HOLT (OFF-SCREEN): So you found something? (points) Hey, I like the tie. JAKE: (makes resigned gesture) If you can't b*at 'em, join 'em. Anyway, I think I got something good here. Turns out the name "Ratko" is made up. But I was digging through these files…one of which I literally found in a spider web…and it turns out there were a bunch of references to a Serbian thug, street names “The Rat" and “The Butcher," who's known to hang out at a storage unit near Boerum Park, which has red soil, hence the muddy red footprint on Morgenthau's counter. (drops pen, satisfied) HOLT: That's fine work, Detective. JAKE: Thank you very much, sir. Testament to what can be achieved when you dress appropriately. (He stands up, and we see that he is wearing a colorful Speedo and no pants. He holds up his hand for a fist bump.) JAKE: Let's pound it out. (b*at. Holt refuses to return Jake’s fist pump.) HOLT: You know what, such fine police work, let's share it with the whole team. (walks away and calls out) Santiago! Boyle! Diaz! Get in here! Bring everyone! And a camera! JAKE: (embarrassed) That's not necessary. HOLT: Let’s have a hand for the work— JAKE: …Oh, they're here! (Sure enough, Charles, Rosa, Amy, Terry, Gina, and a lot of other unspecified officers are filing through the door, laughing at the sight of Jake’s Speedo.) HOLT: —of the fine master detective, Jake Peralta. Yeah, let's have a hand, everyone. Give him a hand. ALL: (clapping) Yeah, nice! (cheers, applause, wolf whistle) ROSA: Looking good! JAKE: Yeah. Thank you. (Cut to exterior of a storage building. Text on bottom of screen: “Brooklyn Safe Storage, 10:14 PM.”) AMY (OFF-SCREEN): No record of Ratko on the ledger. Must've used cash. (Cut to Amy, Holt, and Jake in a car. Jake is in the backseat, leaning forward to talk to Amy and Holt.) JAKE: Well, I, for one, am just pumped to be on a stakeout with you, Captain. You know what my favorite thing about stakeouts is? Patrol guide says "no dress code." So I'm just the zip-up hoodie and my two best friends. HOLT: (to Amy) Does he always talk this much? AMY: I just tune it out. It's like a white noise machine. JAKE: Okay, first of all, that's r*cist. Secondly, Captain, Terry told me you caught the disco strangler. That's incredible. I've read that case. With all due respect, sir, why'd it take you so long to get your first command? HOLT: Because I'm gay. JAKE: (chuckles) Ah. (b*at of silence) JAKE: Seriously? HOLT: I’m surprised you didn't know. I don't try to hide it. (Slow zoom in on Jake’s face. Begin flashback sequence of moments earlier in the episode. The first is of Jake and Charles talking in Holt’s office; the camera zooms in on a framed page of the newspaper, with the headline “Openly Gay Captain Appointed.” The second is of Gina, after Holt’s speech.) GINA: Did anyone else get a little bit of a gay vibe? (The third is of Holt, speaking to Jake in slow motion.) HOLT: (slowed down) Manscaping. (End flashback sequence.) JAKE: Damn! I am not a good Detective. (Cut to Rosa and Charles in a different car outside of the same storage unit.) ROSA: Here. (handing Charles some cash) I feel bad that you spent all that money on the movie tickets. CHARLES: Why don't you just go to the movies with me? ROSA: (immediately) Nope. CHARLES: Okay… Well, this is awkward. ROSA: It's not awkward. I like your company. You're sweet. (Charles looks at her, looks away, and smiles.) (Cut back to Amy, Jake, and Holt’s car.) AMY: When did you come out? HOLT: About 25 years ago. The NYPD was not ready for an openly gay detective. But then the old guard died out. Suddenly, they couldn't wait to show off the fact that they had a highly ranking gay officer. I made Captain. But they put me in a public affairs unit. I was a good soldier. I helped recruitment. But all I ever really wanted was my own command. And now I finally got it. And I'm not gonna screw it up. JAKE: Captain, I'm sorry. I... I feel like a jackass. (Sighs) But on the flip side, there's Ratko. (We see Ratko in the distance, opening a door to the storage unit.) Humility over. I'm amazing! (Upbeat music plays as Jake, Amy, and Holt exit the car, suit up, and run towards the doors of the storage unit.) JAKE: Fantastic. 3,000 identical blue doors. HOLT: Looks like we all got door duty. JAKE: (nods) Ah, yeah. From before. Good one. (to Amy) You look great. (Holt and Jake each point their g*n at opposite doors.) HOLT: Clear. (Jake walks down a hallway of doors, looking around, on high alert. Cut to Amy and Holt, also pointing their g*n down a different hallway; Holt is also holding a flashlight.) HOLT: Clear. (He turns around to face the same direction as Amy and shines his flashlight on a maintenance worker, who’s mopping up in a narrow hallway and wearing headphones. Amy gestures for the maintenance worker to move along. The worker makes a sweeping gesture with his arm. Amy points at her badge and the word “NYPD” printed on her vest. The worker turns around and points at the word “MAINTENANCE” printed on the back of his jacket. Holt makes a small head gesture indicating that they should go around the maintenance worker, and Amy sighs.) AMY: Okay. (Holt and Amy squeeze past the worker.) AMY: (to the worker) Unbelievable! Un-believable! (Jake, walking down a hallway on his own, sees a storage shed with an unlocked door. He pushes the door up, and there is Ratko, already pointing a g*n at him.) JAKE: Ah. Ratko, great to see you. RATKO: (walking backwards down the hallway, his g*n still pointed at Jake) You can't stop me. I'm going. JAKE: Actually, you're not going anywhere. 'Cause if you take a look to your left, you'll see Detective's Boyle and Diaz. Right there is Detective Santiago. And behind you is Captain Holt. (We see sh*ts of each of these people in different locations around Jake and Ratko, each with their g*n drawn and at the ready.) Point is... My team has you surrounded. Oh, my God, I just got the tie thing! Captain, I just figured it out. HOLT: (urgently) Maybe now's not the best time, Detective. JAKE: It's a uniform! We're a team, and the tie is a part of that team's uniform, right? RATKO: You ask Ratko what team? JAKE: No, Ratko, shut up. (to Holt) It's important to you because you were kept off the team for so long. And now you're the coach, and you want us to all wear that same uniform. Boom! Nailed it! HOLT: Yes, you did. Now just arrest Ratko. JAKE: (drawing his g*n again) All right, Ratko, down. Drop the w*apon. Hands on your head. Here we go. (Ratko slowly puts down his g*n, but then runs in the opposite direction.) HOLT: Hey! JAKE: He's running! (Amy draws her nightstick and is able to take Ratko down with it.) AMY: Oh! Got him! (Rosa and Charles rush over to handcuff him.) ROSA: Hands behind your back! Hands behind your back! (Cut to Jake and Holt, standing next to each other, holstering their g*n.) CHARLES (OFF-SCREEN): Stay down. JAKE: That's how we do it in the Nine-Nine, sir. Catch bad guys and look good doing it. (A b*at as he shifts uncomfortably.) HOLT: What's wrong with you? JAKE: Never took off the Speedo. Big mistake. It is inside me. Great work, team! (The upbeat music swells as he walks away. End titles.) CREDIT: Episode corrected, transcribed and submitted by: Maya B

{"type": "series", "show": "Brooklyn Nine-Nine", "episode": "01x01 - Pilot"}

foreverdreaming

Boyle: Attention, boys and ghouls. Jake: Nope. Boyle: Every Halloween, I dress up in an amazing costume, and you never get what I am. Rosa: No, we get what you are... An adult man who enjoys dress-up. Boyle: Very funny, Rosa. This year, that won't be a problem because you're gonna pick my costume. [All grumble] Jake; Uh, Ms. Pac-man's nipple. Boyle: No, that's brown. Amy: Why would you know that? Boyle: To be or not to be! Rosa: Not to be. Boyle: Thank you. [Yells] Jake: Joan of Arc. Rod Stewart. Martha Stewart. Boyle: [Sighs] He-man! Master of the universe. Gina: I got it. Gay Robin Hood. All: Yes! Terry: That's it, that's it. Gina: That's what it is. ♪ ♪ Jake: Oh, hey there, Captain. Just curious, do you happen to know what today is? Holt: Well, based on the fact that yesterday was the birthday of legendary Dutch flautist Frans Bruggen, and a week ago it was october 24th, it's say today is... Jake: It's Halloween. Just say it's Halloween. Holt: It's Halloween. Jake: All right, and what happened last Halloween? Holt: Oh, I listened to the CD I bought the night before, the Frans Bruggen birthday concert. Jake: Please stop saying Bruggen. Holt: Last year, you bet me that you could steal my medal of valor. And you did. Consequently, I was forced to do your paperwork for a week and to say words I thought I'd never have to say. Jake Peralta is an amazing detective/genius. Jake: But now it's time for round two of our Halloween bet. This year, I believe I'll make things more difficult for myself. Let's say, what, I'll steal the watch right off your wrist. Holt: Or we could just not do it at all this year. Jake: What? Sir, with all due respect, come on, homey! No? Holt: It's not worth all the trouble, just so you might call me an amazing captain/genius and give me one week of overtime for free. Jake: All right, fine, I'll double the overtime. I'll triple it! I'll quadruple it! I will five-druple it. I'll five-druple the overtime. Got his attention. He's coming back to me. Holt; Just to clarify. If you steal my watch by midnight, I will do your paperwork for a week, but if you fail, you will give me five weeks of overtime for free. Jake: Correct. Holt: I'm doing a cost-benefit analysis in my head. The benefits outweigh the costs. We have reached an accord. Jake: Accords! Terry: Handing out these safety pumpkins to neighborhood kids is a cornerstone in community relations. Rosa: And putting them together is a boring-stone in testing my patience. Terry: We can use an assembly line so it'll go quicker. Gina: Ooh, that's a great idea, Terrence. However, is there any way I can skip doing that and instead, not do that? I have an urgent matter to attend to. Terry: Okay, no problem. Just come back and help us when you're done. Gina: Thank you. I'll leave you guys with this. One-duhl plus one-duhl equals... Tootles. [Chuckles] Amy: Seriously, sarge? You're just gonna let her go? Terry: Look, a year ago, I would've been thinking the same thing, but I've learned to give her the benefit of the doubt. Rosa: What kind of urgent matter could Gina possibly have to attend to? She's already checked herself out in every reflective surface around the precinct. Amy: Including my lip gloss. She said she looked better when I frowned. Jake: I was behind the door! Greetings, comrades, and welcome to the most important briefing of your lives. As you all know, the Holt-Peralta Halloween bet has been made, and the clock doth tick. Rosa; What's with the tux? Jake: I decided to class up this year's event. I bought it off a disgraced magician, and it is chock-full of scarves. Scully: What? How? Jake: A real magician never tells, young man. Now, let's get started. I've been planning this for three months. You've all been given a specific role and a code name. Rosa, you're the dagger. Sarge, the hammer. Amy, the hall monitor. Amy: Yeah, suck it! Jake: Scully and Hitchcock, I'm just gonna call you your real names so you don't get confused. Scully: Smart. Hitchcock: What? Jake: And, Boyle, as requested, you will be the deuce. Although I still think you should reconsider that code name. Boyle: Nope, deuce. It's like ace, but twice as cool. Jake: It is not. It's a turd. Now, because of last year, the captain will suspect that you are all helping me, so we will never get anywhere near his watch, but the actual theft will be pulled off by Dan McCreary, aka "fingers." Dan McCreary: How you doing? Call me "fingers." Rosa: Hey, I remember this guy. Jake: That's probably because you've arrested him twice for pickpocketing. Amy: You have a criminal helping you? That's crazy! Jake: Grow up, Amy. Now, we will all work together as a team to move the captain into position. Once there, fingers... Loving that code name... Will remove the captain's watch and replace it with this replica watch. Oh, that is a very d*ad dove. Ooh! All right... This replica watch. Terry; Jake, if he's been arrested before, how do you know he's any good? Jake: Perhaps this will answer your question. Fingers! Terry: Whoa. That's our stuff. Boyle: My croissant. But where's the smoked Turkey? Dan: Check your breast pocket? Boyle: Come on! [Gasps] Jake: Let's win this bet! [Clears throat] Salutations, Captain. I was wondering perchance if you would like to attend the opera with me this Eve. Holt: I'll pass, choosing instead to stay in my locked office with my watch still safely on my wrist. Jake: I had a feeling you might say that. Thusfore, I have decided to bring the opera to you. Hitchcock, Scully! ♪ Oooo fortuna ♪ [Song continues] Jake: Now, hammer, it's time. It's hammer time. I love life. ♪ ♪ You're up, dagger. No need for the somersaults. Rosa: Disagree. Jake: Hall monitor, now! ♪ ♪ Okay, Boyle, and only because you insisted I say this, it's time to drop a deuce. ♪ ♪ And now, the Jake and bake. ♪ ♪ Whoa, come on, Amy! Not cool! That's a guy! Holt: Peralta, that's enough! [Scully continues singing operatically] [Stammers] Holt: Sir, sir. I'm so sorry. Dan: I just wanted somebody to check my son's candy. Holt: Please, let me help you up. On behalf of the nine-nine, I apologize. Jake: Fingers has grabbed the package. I didn't mean for that to sound so dirty. Holt: I'll have someone check your son's bag of candy immediately. Clark. Dan: Thank you, sir. Holt: If you need anything, please, contact me. Dan: I'll do that. Thank you. Jake: The replica is on the wrist. Game over. Holt: I know all this was done in the spirit of a friendly bet, but this all went too far. Am I understood? Peralta! Jake: Yes, sir. Completely understood, sir. I'm sorry. But not as sorry as you're going to be at midnight, when you realize you've lost everything. Hello there, Hank. I believe a tall, nimble-fingered man named McCreary left a package for me. Hank: Yeah, it's here. Just a sec. Jake: Thanks. Boyle: Ooh, I'm gonna make a movie of you receiving the watch. Here. Let me pinch your lips and make fulsome. Jake: Don't touch my face. Boyle : Fine, but if you have dull lips, that's on you. This is Charles Boyle for Jake Action News. Jake: Thank you. Boyle: Okay, open the box. Jake: Here we go! That's weird, it's just a note. "Thanks for the watch"? Oh, no! McCreary stole the captain's watch! Boyle: Breaking news, there's been a terrible development. Jake: Not now, Charles. Boyle: Good call. Media blackout. Jake: We're okay. It's not over yet. I still have two hours to find fingers and get Holt's watch back. Boyle: But how? He could be anywhere. He could be in Canada by now. There are so many forests up there. That country is one giant hiding place. Jake: Boyle, I kinda need you to be positive right now, okay? Boyle: Yes, sorry. Damn my mouth. Jake: All right, let's look up McCreary's arrest records, past addresses, known associates. Holt: Peralta. Jake: [Whispered] Run, deuce, run. Boyle: If you'll excuse me, sir, I have to... Make urines in de toilet. Jake: Yeah, that's how people say words. Holt: I'd like to ask a favor. Can we please press pause on this bet for ten minutes? Jake: Sure, or we could press fast-forward, and I could watch you talk like a chipmunk. [Imitating chipmunk] Peralta, I'm very disappointed in you. Holt: Yes, that would be very funny. Jake: How do you ruin everything? Holt: Kevin is bringing dinner for me, and I don't think he'd appreciate this bet we made. This watch was given to me by his father just before he died. Jake: Oh! A death watch, cool. Holt: Please, never call it that. Jake: Copy that. [Cell phone vibrates] Oh, you know what? You can have the ten minutes, no problem. Love you, bye. Boyle, fingers just texted. He said he wants to meet up. Boyle: Yes. Jake; Let's get outta here. Be cool. Holt's watching. Pretend I just said something really funny. [Both laugh] Get outta here. We gotta go. Terry: Enjoy the vest and the light. Spooky voice] You'll be so safe, it's scary. Kid: Lame. Gina: That kid gets it. Amy: Thanks for finally joining us, Gina. Rosa: We had to stuff 400 of these things without you. Gina: Great seeing you guys. Unfortunately, I cannot stay long. I just came to grab a healthy snack. Got it. I'm still tending to that urgent matter I was talking about earlier. Amy: Which is what exactly? Hmm, funny you should ask, you inquisitive litter ferret. I've been practicing my dance moves. ♪ If you wanna be with me ♪ ♪ Baby there's a price ♪ My dance troupe, Floorgasm, is performing tonight in the boooo-ty shake grand prix. Terry: Gina, what the hell? I defended you, and your urgent matter was just practicing for some stupid dance show? Gina: Look, I can't help it if my life is literally a Step Up movie. Terry: Oh, is it? Then I suggest you think of this moment as the montage where you buckle down and take your job seriously so your boss doesn't k*ll you. Gina: Fine, then I suggest you figure out how to turn on all these sprinklers 'cause I'm about to tell a story. Jake: Okay, fingers wants us to meet him in that alley over there. Boyle: What's the playbook, Jakey? Jake: Well, he left me that note in the bar to try and scare me. But it only made me angry. We go in hard and tough and take what's rightfully ours. Dan: I want $300. Jake: Absolutely, no problem. Whatever you need. I happen to not have any money on me though. Charles, do you have any cash? Boyle: Um, I have $120, and my lucky $2 bill that I found on my first day of kindergarten. Jake: Okay, so that's $122. Dan: And I want your shoes. Jake: What? Fine. Here. Take my shoes. Can I please have the watch now? Dan: You already have it. You had it all along. Jake: What? What are you talking about? Dan: I put it in the glove compartment of your car. Think I'm gonna walk around with a stolen police captain's watch? I'm not an idiot. Jake: Great. Well, I would say thank you, but even for a criminal your customer service has been abysmal. Dan: My pleasure. Have a good night. Jake: Let's get back to the precinct and win this bet. Boyle: Jake! Jake, your car! Jake: No! Ow, glass. No! i]Ugh, syringe. Boyle: Jake, you parked in front of a hydrant. Jake: Stupid f*re department.[/i] We gotta think of a way to catch up with that truck. Boyle: Oh! How 'bout this? Jake: Yes. Boyle: Hop in. [Groans] Go! Jake: We're doing it, Boyle. We're Tokyo drifting. Jake: Gah, I can't see the tow truck anymore. Charles, how come you're so much slower than a car? Boyle: I'm just trying not to jostle you too much. You're the champagne of friends. Look, there's a bar up ahead. Maybe we can get a cab up there. There's still time to get that watch. All right. [Groans] Jake: Excuse me! Excuse me. Shoeless cop coming through. [Bears growl] Jake: Oh, God! Charles! Boyle: Jake, where are you? Jake: Come on! Gah! I was gonna wear this jacket to my cousin's bat mitzvah next week. Hey! Take it easy! Get off of me! Charles: Jake, party bus. Toot! Toot! Get on board. Jake: Good idea, Boyle. Ugh, get off. Ahh! He's got my hand! Aghhh! Move! NYPD. I won't stop the party, but I do need the bus. [Grumbles] [Dance music] ♪ ♪ Costumed partygoer: Let's dance, rawr. Jake: All right. What is happening here? It's Halloween, man! Lighten up, ha ha! It's Halloween! Halloween! Jake; Well, gotta do something for 16 blocks. Halloween! Halloween! Jake: Halloween! Terry: Hey, I've been looking for you. We need to talk. Gina: Can we not do this right now, Terry? I'm in the midst of a personal tragedy. Terry: Oh, my God. Is everything okay with your family? Gina: Family, what? No, this is serious. Floorgasm just came by and danced me out of the group. [Techno music] ♪ ♪ Gina: It's not fair. I founded the group, and now they wanna kick me out just because I missed eight rehearsals in a row? Terry: I never thought I'd say this, but Floorgasm has a point. You're being super irresponsible. You have a "baditude." That's a bad attitude. Gina: I love that. Look, I didn't want you to know because it's so off-brand for me, but I'm missing rehearsals because I've been going to college at night. I'm trying to finish my bachelor's degree or whatever. Terry: Really? That's great, Gina. I'm so proud of you. Gina: And while I generally nail everything, I'm just having trouble balancing my studies and my passion for dance. Terry: Plus, you're working full-time. Gina: Yeah, that actually doesn't factor into it whatsoever. Anyway, it doesn't matter, because I'm never gonna dance again. The world just lost an angel. Terry: You know what? I'm gonna dance with you tonight. I'm not gonna let those losers punish you for doing something good. School is cool. That's why it rhymes. Gina: Terry, you are the best! World, your angel has returned. [Laughs] Jake: Oh, God. Thanks for the ride. Tag me in those pics. Ah, hi there. I'm Jake Peralta, NYPD. You guys towed my car, and I really need it back. Impound supervisor: Mm-hmm. Got a badge? Jake: Yeah, I sure do. What? D'oh, my badge! Those demons on the party bus must have stolen it. Impound supervisor: If you got a license and credit card, just pay to get it out. Jake: Oh, great. Thank you. Finally, something goes right. It's gone horribly wrong! I don't have my I.D. or my credit cards, but I really need that car. Please, I'm begging you. Impound supervisor: Rules are rules. I can't do nothing for you. Jake: Don't shut it. Don't shut the window. You got it. Just gonna give up on this and head straight home without trying anything else. [Groans] [Panting] Jake: Oh, look at the view from up here. I didn't know we lived near water. [Chuckles] Ouch. Ow, ow, ow, ow. [Screams] Perfect. [Groans] Ah. I can still win this bet. I can still win. No! No! Noooo! Cop: Freeze! Don't move! Jake: Oh, my God. There is a tiny chance I may not win this bet. Holt: Talk now! Jake: You seem upset. Well, here's how the story goes. Remember that little Halloween bet that we made? You probably don't even remember, it was so early this morning. Anywhoozle, it turns out the criminal I hired to lift your watch was not trustworthy, and I ended up contracting tuberculosis of the foot and subsequently losing your death watch. But in the end, I like to think this whole thing is gonna bring us closer together. And isn't that what it's really all about? Merry Christmas! Holt: What are you saying? My watch is right here. Jake: No, I made a switch. That's a fake. Holt: No. This one's a fake. Jake: What? No. What? No. What? No. You were behind all this? You played me. Holt: Like Frans Bruggen plays the flute. Jake: But how? I've been planning this this theft for three months. Holt: I know, but I've been planning it for a year. Last Halloween, after you won the bet, I went back to my office to do everyone's paperwork, but I did no paperwork. I started to plot my revenge. I began by creating a word cloud. Jake: But how could you possibly have known I was gonna try and steal your watch? Holt: I knew you would try to take something important to me. During the year, I drew your attention to my watch. You're eight minutes late. You're 14 minutes late. You're three minutes early... In Chicago. Jake: You annoyed me into stealing it. Holt: Exactly. Now you had a target, but you needed a plan. Fortunately, it walked through the door, handcuffed to Diaz. Rosa: This scumbag pickpocket is Dan McCreary. He can take anything off of anyone. Jake: Anything? Anyone? Holt: The look on your face, priceless. I put McCreary into my employ immediately. Fast-forward to this morning. You commenced your plan. McCreary stole my watch, and then replaced it with the replica. And while you celebrated, McCreary put my watch back in my pocket. The watch never left my person. Dun-dun-duh! Jake: I can see that you're enjoying this. Holt: Not nearly as much as I enjoyed phase two. Jake: Phase two. Holt: While you met with McCreary, Santiago placed a f*re hydrant in front of your car, which she then towed away. Next, I had to take Charles out of the equation. He had a badge and a g*n, and he would do anything to help you. Enter a parade of drunks that separated the two of you long enough for Terry to kidnap Charles. Then two bears spilled their drinks on you and stole your wallet. Those bears? Scully and Hitchcock. Hitchcock: I can't pull my head off! Jake: If Terry kidnapped Charles, how did Charles tell me to get on the party bus? Holt: Eight months ago at a morning briefing, I told the squad that a group of thieves was targeting party busses, so I could record Charles saying... Boyle: Jake, party bus! Toot toot! Get on board! Jake: I knew Boyle would never knowingly betray me. Holt: With your jacket and shoes gone, you didn't look like a cop, but you still had your badge. That is, until you entered the party bus. Holt: Rosa's feline dancing distracted you as a mysterious partier stole your badge on... Halloween! It was you in the mask! Jake: You sly son of a bitch! Well done. But I do have to ask, those guys at the impound, did they really smash my car? Holt: No, in fact, I had them wash it. Jake: [Chuckles] Good one, Captain. You can't "wash a car." So how'd you convince the whole squad to betray me? What'd you offer them? Holt: I asked them if they wanted to embarrass you, and they instantly said yes. Jake: I'm not gonna lie, that turns me on a little bit. Holt: Hmm. So in addition to the five weeks of free overtime, I believe I'm owed one more thing. Jake: Yes. Here we go. Holt: One second. [Cheering] Jake: Very well. Captain Raymond Holt... Mm-hmm. You are an amazing police captain/genius. [Cheering] Jake: But be warned, I started planning next year's heist just this minute. Holt: Good, then you're only three months behind. Jake: You sick son of a bitch. [Dance music] ♪ ♪ [Cheers and applause] Terry: Hey. Don't look so sad. Floorgasm is just a rudderless dance ship without you. Rosa: I would have gone with "flock of dum-dums." Terry: i]I talked to the captain. We're all gonna pitch in[/i] and help you manage your time so you can pursue dance and school. Amy: And I'd like to volunteer my time to tutor you for free. Gina: Mm, a hard pass on that. But I do wanna thank you guys for being so understanding and nice. Now get your game face on. Sarge, it's time to dance! If you forget your moves, just rip your cape off and throw me up in the air like a pizza. Announcer: Put your hands together for the dance duo, Mr. and Mrs. Terry Jeffords. Terry: I did not agree to that name! [Salt-n-Pepa's Push it playing] ♪ Salt-n-Pepa's here ♪ ♪ And we're in effect ♪ ♪ Want you to push it, babe ♪ ♪ Coolin' by day, then at night ♪ ♪ Workin' up a sweat ♪ ♪ Ah, push it ♪

{"type": "series", "show": "Brooklyn Nine-Nine", "episode": "02x04 - Halloween II"}

foreverdreaming

Rosa: Hey, everybody. I got your text. What's the big emergency? Jake: We need to talk about Captain Holt's love life. Rosa [ groans] Jake; Come on, you've missed being dragged into your coworkers' personal lives, admit it. Rosa: It's true, I have. What's going on? Jake: Captain Holt is in pain, and we need to help him - get back together with Kevin. Amy: No, we don't. Holt is a very private person. We shouldn't get involved. Jake: Okay, you guys probably don't know this, but my parents got divorced when I was a kid, and it really messed me up. All: Yeah, we know. - Oh, my God. Jake: What, do I talk about it a lot? It doesn't matter. The point is, we can't let that happen to Daddy Holt and Daddy Kevin. Rosa: So we're just dispensing with subtext now? Jake: Yes, this workplace is my family... was that not clear? Holt is my dad, you're my mean older sister, Amy's my mom. Amy: What? Jake: What did I say? Amy: You said, "Amy is my mom." Jake: Nobody said anything! We don't have time for this, Amy. Now, who's gonna help me Parent Trap Holt and Kevin? Seriously? Nobody's on board with my scheme? Is it because I called it a scheme? I can say something different. Nobody's on board with my stratagem? Amy: No. Sculls: Sorry, Jakey. Amy; Look, Holt just needs us to be there for him. Help him take his mind off of Kevin. Terry: He's always inviting us to his lake house to go bird watching, but we never do it because it's, you know, birdwatching. - We could finally go. Amy; He would love that. Jake: Wow, s*ab in the back by my own mom. Amy: What? Jake: Wife! I said wife! Why do you keep not hearing me? Whatever! Let's just do Terry's plan. [upbeat music] ♪ Jake: You know, I thought it over, and I gotta hand it to you guys: this trip is actually a really great idea. Terry: This is surprising. You're usually a lot more petulant when we don't go along with your schemes. Jake: Stratagems. And I've grown up a lot, Terry. Terry: Uh, you do know there's no phone reception at the lake house. Jake: No! How am I gonna catch Pokémon? It doesn't matter. It's a community event weekend, so... Rosa: Hey. Amy: Hey! Rosa: How long is the drive up there? I wanna time my edible so it kicks in right when we arrive. - What? Amy: Nothing. It's cool. I'm not gonna tell anybody. I'm not a narc. Rosa: All right, you can tell people. Amy: Good, because I'm a narc. Rosa: I'm not a cop anymore, and I have a prescription for anxiety, so it's legal. It'll be good for when all the drama starts. Amy: Why do you think there's gonna be drama? Rosa: Oh, no, you're right. Whenever we go on one of these group trips everything's totally normal and there's never any big conflict. Anyway, I'm just gonna pop one of these right now - for no reason. Amy: I'm not looking. [light music] Holt: Welcome to the Lake House. Terry; Where's the lake? I didn't see it on the way in. Holt: That's because there's no lake up here. Terry: But you said it was a lake house. Holt: No, we called it The Lake House. It was once owned by Kirsopp Lake, the scholar of textual criticism who wrote "Dated Greek Manuscripts to the Year 1200 ." Jake: Yeah, Terry, it's obviously named after Kirsopp Lake. No one else was confused about that. Hey, I'm gonna take Mac in, and then I'll come back for the stuff. Amy: Okay. Jake: Yeah. Amy: Let's see, Pack 'n Play, baby monitor, white noise machine, sleep sack... Boyle: Whoa, that's a lot of gear. Amy: Yeah, it's our first time away from home with him, and he's such a terrible sleeper. Boyle: Well, at least you're doing the smart thing and asking for my help. Amy: That is not what's happening. Boyle: Oh, I'm an expert, Amy. I basically raised ten nieces and nephews. I've done it all: bottled, swaddled, and coddled. Let's just say you're definitely gonna want my nip tips. Tips that nip a problem in the bud. Amy: Why don't you just say tips? Boyle: Just the tips. Interesting. Amy: Oh, come on, man. Scully: Oh, hey, Captain Holt, do you have the Wi-Fi network? I need to Facetime with Hitchcock. Holt: Oh, there's no internet at the Lake House. Scully: Then I'm alone. Terry: We're all here. Scully: So you'll do the 64-round tournament Hitchcock and I designed to determine the best flavor of potato chip? Holt: No, that sounds like hell. Now, let me give you all a tour. This is the sitting room. We considered referring to it as a living room, but decided against it. Jake: Fascinating! Holt: This is the TV room. Or it was before we got rid of the TV. Now it is also a sitting room. Jake: Two sitting rooms? Holt: Now this... this is why we bought the place. The master sitting room. Jake: Wow, look at all this seating! Terry: Jake, can I talk to you for a second? What's going on? There is no way you are this enthusiastic about too many sitting rooms and lake houses that aren't lake houses. Jake: I'm just trying to be there for Captain Holt. I understand that the weekend's not about me. Terry: Nope. You're up to something. Jake: I'm up to nothing, Terrence, and frankly, I resent the implication... Kevin: Hello? Jake: Okay, I'm up to something, Terrence. Kevin: Hello? Jake: I messed with Holt and Kevin's shared calendar. You know me so well! Jake: Oh, Kevin, what a surprise! Kevin: Why are you all in my house? Jake: Raymond? Holt: Kevin? What are you doing here? [laughing] Rosa: Ha, my edibles just kicked in. [laughing] Jake: What did Kevin say? Is everything okay? Holt: No. We just had a knock-down, drag-out fight. My calendar had the Lake House as free. Kevin; Strange, Mine had it as unoccupied. Holt : Well, it seems we're at an impasse. Kevin : I would call it more of a deadlock. Holt: He gets in such good zingers. He's tired from driving, so he's staying the night and going back in the morning. Jake: Well, that could be good. Maybe you guys can spend some time together. Holt: We've agreed to keep our distance and issue a verbal warning anytime one of us is about to enter the room. Raymond Holt entering the kitchen! Amy: Jake, this is bad. Holt: Raymond Holt entering the second sitting room. Jake: Okay, just give it a sh*t. They're already separated, it can't get any worse. Rosa: It's a really good point. Jake: Thank you, Rosa. Amy: She's high as hell. Rosa: That's also a really good point. Jake: Damn it, Rosa! Charles, what about you? You're my best friend. You support me in everything I do. Boyle: Oh, maybe the fact that I'm not on board is a sign that it's a really bad idea. Jake: No, you've changed somehow, that's the only explanation. Guys, come on, I've got a great plan here. - No one wants in? Terry: Absolutely not! _ Terry: Tell me the plan. I want in. Jake: What? You do? Terry: Yeah. Terry loves love. Jake: Then why didn't you back me up in there? Terry: Because Terry also loves hedging. Jake: Terry loves hedging? That's new. Terry: No, it's classic Terry. Look, I always play both sides till the last possible minute, everyone knows that. Jake: That's not fair. Everyone's so hard on me. I want a public show of support for my plan. Terry: Can't do it. Look, I don't know what's so tough for you to understand here. I love the scheme, I wanna be a part of it, but I think it's gonna fail, and I don't want people to think I was a part of it. Jake: Fine, I'll take what I can get. Terry: Yes! Amy: Damn it, these blackout curtains don't keep the light out. Ugh! You screwed me on this, Shannon from Buy Buy Baby! Boyle: You know, Amy, Mac's issues with sleeping might not be the light in the room, it might be the darkness in your heart. Amy: Excuse me? Boyle: Sorry, that was mean. I was trying to be poetic. It's important to be mindful of your energy when you're with an infant. Trust me, I'm sort of a natural mother. Amy: Yeah, natural mother[bleep]. Rosa [laughs] Amy: How long have you been there? Rosa: Oh, man, I have no idea. Jake: Hey, were you followed? Terry: Nope. I promise, they have no idea I'm working with you. Boyle: Terry, have you seen Jake? Terry: Uh, no. That idiot's probably off working his dumb plan. He's so stupid. You know, the only reason Holt and I haven't fired him is that we're worried that he'll k*ll himself. Jake: Seems a little excessive. Terry: I told you. I don't wanna be tied to this plan. Look, I'm out on a ledge for you, and Terry hates ledges. Jake: Wait, so you love hedges but hate ledges? You're just making this up as you go. Terry: No, I'm not. Name one time you've ever seen me happy out on a ledge. Jake: I can't think of an example on the spot... Terry: Because Terry hates ledges. - Now, come on, tell me the plan. Jake: Fine. Step one was getting them here together. Step two, reignite the passion. You'll handle Captain Holt. Terry: Sir, you have something on your pants. Holt; Huh, I've sat in some sap, like a sap. Terry: At least you have a sense of humor about it. Holt: Not intentionally. I was upset and stumbled into accidental wordplay. Jake: Meanwhile, I will take care of Kevin.[/i] Kevin: Kevin Cozner, entering the kitchen. Jake: Oh, hey there, Kev. I was just grabbing a bite to eat. - Can I offer you something? Kevin: Well, I shouldn't, but today's been a fiasco, so what the hell. I'll have a snack of some water. Jake: What Kevin won't know[/i] is that he will be drinking from a dribble cup. Kevin: Oh, dear. Jake: And you said I was crazy to buy stock in Spencer's Gifts. Terry: How does you buying one novelty cup help the company's stock price? Jake: It boosts confidence in the marketplace. You just don't know anything about business, Terry! Terry: Okay, so we've ruined their outfits. Why will that "reignite the passion"? Jake: Because it will force them to change into clothes which I will have carefully placed at the top of their suitcases. Thus changing them both into a couple of thirst traps. Kevin: Kevin Cozner, preparing to descend the master stairca... Holt: Oh, I see you've changed into your... mock turtleneck. Kevin: And you into your... exercise shorts. Terry: I feel dirty. You feel dirty? Jake: I do. And I love it. [baby crying] Scully: Oh, hey, Amy. Starting round three. You wanna try New Mexico-style Chile Verde? Amy: Uh, my hands are kind of full here, Scully. Scully: I can toss it to you. Mac: Wha... Amy: Scully, don't throw chips at my baby! Gosh. [sighs] Ugh. Shh, shh, shh. [sighs] I can't believe what I'm about to do. - Charles, I need your help. Boyle: I'm not gonna gloat. I'm just happy he's getting the care he needs. Amy: Okay, you might wanna be a little less cocky until after you actually get him down. Because, you know, some babies are just fussy and there's nothing that anyone can... Oh, my God, is he asleep? Boyle: [whispering] So can I be cocky now? Jake: Step three: a romantic picnic. The perfect gill net for our trout to swim into. Terry: Huh? Jake: Sorry. I've been watching that survivalist show "Alone." It's really helped with my metaphors. Terry: You think they'll agree to have a picnic? They won't even be in the same room together. Jake: It's not like we have an unbaited gill net, Terry. What's your plan? Forage for berries? Jake [laughs] You wouldn't last two days in the Arctic, man. Terry: What are we doing now? Jake: We're getting Holt and Kevin back together! Now for Operation Corn Crake. Hey, Kevin, I have a question. Terry; Is the corn crake an important bird? Kevin: Yes. : They're among the rarest species in the northeastern United States. Holt: A veritable holy grail within the bird watching community. BOTH: Oh, wow! Jake: I only ask because... Terry: I read that one was spotted in the woods near here. BOTH: Grab your binoculars. We're going birding. Jake: Yeah, we are. Kevin: We're pretty far north for a corn crake. Where did you hear of this sighting? Jake: Oh, on the birdwatching app that Captain Holt recommended I download. You know how he is about birding. I guess you guys have that in common, huh? Kevin: Hardly... Raymond is an adequate birdwatcher at best. He once confused a pileated woodpecker with a downy woodpecker. Jake: Yeah. Pileated bootdecker and a pileated jecker. Holt: Huh. Holt: [sighs] It's nowhere. Terry: Uh, maybe you could flush out the corn crake by doing its mating call? Holt: I don't know why a corn crake would make such a call three months after its rooting season, but I suppose it can't hurt to try. [imitates bird squawking] Kevin: Hold on. That call. That's the call a corn crake makes when it wants to root. I'll respond. [clears throat] [imitates bird call] [imitates bird call] This way. [light music] [whispering] Boyle: Oh, and do you need the shades? No, you don't, 'cause you're already asleep. Amy: He forgot the sleep sack! And Mac doesn't even care! I can't watch this. [whispering] Yes! Wow! [quirky music] ♪ Uh... oh, no, no, no, no. Oh! I think I just locked Mac in his room. - What do I do? Rosa: Oh, sorry, man. I think the second edible just kicked in. This is a little too much for me. Also, this is not the vibe I was looking for. Boyle: No, no, no, Ro-ro, Ro-ro. I need your help. Rosa: No, no, no. Adios, amigo. [huffs] [imitates bird call] Kevin: Oh. You are not a corn crake. But you heard the call? Kevin: Yes, it was... majestic. Jake: Well, look what we caught in our gill net, a couple of fresh, fatty trout. That'll last us the next five days. More if we eat the egg sac. Terry: Jake, the picnic. It attracted bees! Jake: Ack. Oh. Oh, God, they're everywhere! [screams] Get away! Quick, everyone form a wall around me! Kevin: Peralta. Jake: I'm sorry, Kevin. It's just I'm very allergic. If I get stung, I have a terrible reaction. Kevin: Kind of like this? Jake: Oh, my... No, that's much worse, I just get a scratchy throat. Why didn't you cower behind someone? All right, we should be good. I think the swarm is gone. Kevin: I think I was only stung once. How do I look? Jake: Good, good, very good. Terry: Normal, very normal. Holt: Stop it. Kevin doesn't like to be lied to. - You're disgusting to look at. Kevin: Thank you, Raymond. I have an EpiPen back at the house. Would you call someone to have them bring it? Terry: There's no reception. I'll just run back. I haven't done cardio in 20 years. How hard can it be? It's immediately awful! Jake: Here, while we wait, you could try putting this chilled bottle of champagne against your eyes. - It might help. Holt: Peralta, why is there a romantic picnic sitting in this remote clearing? You set this whole thing up, didn't you? Jake: Nuh-uh. Holt: You've manipulated us into spending time together. Jake: Nuh-uh. Holt: Is that your entire defense? "Nuh-uh"? Jake: Uh-huh. Okay, fine, all right? Yes. But only because I care about you. And by the way, you should really make your shared calendar less easy to access. Holt: You got into our calendar? Jake: Yeah, you already knew that. You said I set the whole thing up. Holt: I was talking about the picnic. What were you talking about? Jake: Nuh-uh. Kevin: You tricked us into coming to the Lake House at the same time. You did a "Das Doppelte Lottchen." Jake: What? I don't know what that is. Holt "Das Doppelte Lottchen"! Jake: I'm only half. Holt: It's a German novel about a set of twins who try to reunite their estranged parents. Jake: That's the "Parent Trap"! I knew my stratagem had classy origins. Holt: Peralta, this is my personal life. You've crossed a line. - I'm leaving. Kevin : So am I. Jake: Oh, no, wait, Kevin... - [grunts] Boyle: Are there tools in here? You see a saw anywhere? Rosa: I told you to stay away, Charles. I'm not into your energy. Boyle: Amy! Hi! Hi, Amy! Amy: Hi. Look, I just wanted to say thank you for getting Mac to sleep. I was being really stubborn earlier, and I guess what I'm trying to say is can I please have your nip tips? Boyle: You don't want my nip tips, those crusty old things. Rosa: Oh, God, I can't be here for this. Oh, my mouth is so dry. It's all bad. Amy: What's all bad? Rosa: I can't tell you, Amy. What can't you tell me? Rosa: It's too real. I need to leave. Damn it, I was looking for somewhere to be alone. Scully: Sorry, I came out here looking for a signal to call Hitchcock, but no luck. I can take my chips and go. Rosa: Wait, you have chips? - You could stay. Scully; Oh. Jake: So we got off to a bad start there with the bees and Kevin rolling down the hill, and then, of course, the second swarm of bees, but we're good now, right? Can you guys hear me? You keep moving away from me for some reason. Kevin: Ugh, I wish a bee would sting me in both ears right now so they'd seal shut as well. Jake: What was that? I couldn't hear you! I'll just assume you said, "Keep going." Anyways, yeah, I just figured if I could get you guys together, I could create a magical moment. But of course, we now know that magic doesn't exist. Holt: Shh! It's a corn crake. Kevin Oh, no, I can't believe it. I finally spot a corn crake, and my eyes are swollen shut. Jake: It's okay, Kevin. I'll describe it to you. Okay, have you ever seen a duck? Holt: Peralta, I got this. - Oh, okay. The beak color is Pantone 46 85 C. Kevin: Mm. The wing is Pantone 2322 C spotted with 4515 C. Kevin: Ooh. Holt: The tail is Pantone 7525 C with bands of 419 C. Kevin: Oh, my, my. Holt: Oh, Kevin, the throat... Pantone 7528 C. Kevin: Oh, Raymond. Jake: Those are some hot Pantones. Rosa: Okay, Barbecue. - Mm-hmm. Rosa: Sweet Maui Onion, and the surprising underdog, Original. Scully; I think I'm ready to crown a Chipeon. Rosa: Chipeon? That's good. Scully; Yeah, I came up with it because I misspoke. [laughing] [laughs] Amy: [sighs] Can I join you? Mac's never been asleep this long, and I don't know what to do with myself. Rosa: Charles locked your kid in the room. Amy: What? Rosa: You made me say it. If I didn't, you would've stayed here and ruined this good thing I got going with Scully and his chips. Amy: Wait, Mac is locked in a room? Rosa: Oh, my... Amy : Charles! Boyle: Amy! I was just doing a little handiwork, you know, fixing up the old house. Amy: I know you locked my son in there. Boyle: I'm sorry. I tried everything. Maybe he'll be happy growing up in that room. Amy: Oh, shut up, Charles! I'll get him out. Move. Boyle: I'm telling you, it's impossible. Amy: Not for his mother. [screams, grunts] [baby crying] Boyle: Wow! Terry: Sorry that took me so long. I cramped up halfway and then crawled for a little while. Maybe I should think about slimming down. Jake: No, it's actually good you didn't make it back. Terry: Oh, thank you for saying that. Look, I can't change my body, it defines me. Jake: No, no, no, we really saw a corn crake. Holt had to describe it to Kevin, and now he's leading him, by the hand, out of the woods. The Parent Trap worked! I can't wait to tell the squad. Terry: Wait, wait, let me give Kevin the EpiPen, and then we can tell them together. Jake: Okay, whoa, whoa. Pump the brakes there, Sonic. Terry: What? Jake: Sonic the Hedgehog. You've been hogging that hedge while I was out on a ledge. No, you didn't have to deal with anyone saying it was a bad idea, so you don't get the credit either. This was 100 % all me, Dr. Robotnik. Terry: Who? Jake: Sonic's archnemesis! You never played a video game or watched a movie, Terry? Get a life, dude! They were being so sweet with each other and holding hands, it was amazing. They're totally back in love. Holt: Peralta, I need to ask you something. Jake: Let me guess. Will I be the best man at a last-minute vow renewal ceremony that will serve as an emotional capper to this magical weekend? Holt: No, I need you to move your car. Kevin has decided to leave immediately. Kevin: Kevin Cozner leaving the Lake House. [light music] ♪ Terry: This was 100 % all Jake. Jake: Oh, Terry. Boyle: Amy, will you please pass the mini crab cakes? Amy: Are you sure you can be trusted with something so small and delicate? Boyle: I can tell you're upset, but you should know that I was locked in a room for 16 days as a child, and I turned out just fine. Amy: No, you didn't. You're a freak! Jake: Okay, I'm staying out of this one. Holt: Shocking... I didn't realize you were capable of staying out of anything. Scully: We have an announcement. We're here to crown the winner of this year's Great Tournament of Chips. Rosa? Rosa: The Chipeon is... Smoky Bacon Chicken. Amy: She's so high. Jake: Yeah. Sounds pretty good, though. Rosa: Ugh, you guys are duds. Scully and I are gonna bounce. Jake: Oh, sir, that's a dribble cup. You're dripping on yourself. Holt: Am I? Jake: Okay. Look, I'm really sorry. Holt: No need to apologize. Your Das Doppelte Lottchen scheme worked. You manufactured a perfect romantic moment, and I allowed myself to imagine, as Kevin held my hand, that he still felt something for me. When we came back, I walked him to his room, and just as I was working up the courage to ask him to stay, he said we shouldn't spend any more time together. Well, at least now I know that my marriage is over. So thank you, Peralta. Raymond Holt leaving the living room. [light music] Jake: Hey, crazy what a good mood Mac is in. Amy: You mean given the fact that he was locked in a prison by Charles? Jake: How long did he sleep? Amy: You mean before he was rescued from the prison he was locked in by Charles? Jake: I guess. Amy: Three hours. Jake: Whoa. What did Charles do? Amy: You mean besides... - BOTH: Locking him in a prison. Jake: Got it. I'll stop asking. Well, whatever he did, - I'm loving his mood. Amy: Whatever. Jake:I still can't believe my scheme didn't work. I mean, we saw a corn crake and everything. Amy: I know. What are the odds? Jake: Right? I have to say, I don't see what the big deal is all about. This is what they actually look like. Amy: Oh, that is not an attractive bird. Jake: I know! It's like a dumb duck! And this is what its call sounds like. [bird calling] Amy: Oh, it's horrible! It sounds like a Taser. Jake: No. It's wonderful. I have to go! Sir? Holt: What are you doing here, Peralta? Jake: I wanna prove to you that you're wrong to think that Kevin doesn't have feelings for you anymore. Holt: Okay. What is he doing here? Jake: Oh, I wanna prove to him that he was wrong for hedging all day. But that's our own separate thing, so you can ignore it. Sir, listen. I think Kevin wanted to stay. The only reason he left is 'cause he didn't know how you felt. Holt: Why would you think that? He's made no effort whatsoever. Jake: Or has he? Did you know that Kevin is better at bird calls than you? Holt: Oh, a strange, hurtful non sequitur. Jake: Now, who made the first corn crake call? Holt: I believe I did. Jake: Correct. Kevin and I heard you, and he responded. But get this, sir. You made the wrong call. This is what a rooting corn crake sounds like. [bird calling] Jake: The call you made was for a scarlet warbler. - A trash bird. Holt: Okay, so you made your point. I'm a trash man who only knows trash birds. Jake: No, that is not my point. My point is, Kevin knew it wasn't a corn crake, but he went to it anyway. Terry: Because he was going to you, not the bird! He still loves you! Our plan worked! Jake: Our plan? Terry: Yeah! Terry is off the hedge and on the ledge! Holt: Well, that means a lot, coming from you Jeffords, given how much you hate ledges. Jake: People don't know about Terry hating ledges! This is new! Boyle: Hey, Amy, I wanted to give you this. I made Mac a truffle squash puree. I'm not trying to show you how to do anything, I'm just trying to apologize. Amy: It's okay, Charles. I actually learned something from you yesterday. Mac has trouble sleeping because I bother him too much. When he was locked in that room no one could check on him, and it was the longest nap he's ever taken. So thank you for the mousse. Boyle: I can't believe you actually took it. Amy: Of course I took it. You locked my baby in a room, Charles. You're gonna be cooking for him until he goes to college, okay? Boyle: Okay. Amy: Great, thanks. Jake: How's it going, sir? You look chipper. Holt: Yes, well, I called Kevin and told him I still have feelings for him, and he said he felt the same. So we begin couples counseling next week. Terry: That's great, sir. I'm so glad. Looks like Captain Holt caught a fatty trout in his gill net. Jake: You watched "Alone"? Terry: Every single episode. Terry has not slept! Scully: Hey, Rosa, you wanna take a couple days off, drive to Buffalo, see the warehouse where Sweet Maui Onion chips are imported to? Unless you don't wanna hang out 'cause you're not stoned anymore. Rosa: Actually, Buffalo sounds kind of cool. Scully: Seriously? That's just not the weed talking? Rosa: Oh, no, I'm not high at all anymore. Oh, no, I was so high. Scully: Good news. While you were asleep, we finally got cell reception. Hitchcock: What's up, cucks?[/i] So how did everybody lose their V-card? I'll go first. Rosa: Amy was right. Drugs are bad.

{"type": "series", "show": "Brooklyn Nine-Nine", "episode": "08x02 - The Lake House"}

foreverdreaming

[groans] Jake: Parenting is exhausting. Amy: You're tired because you were up until 5 : 00 in the morning playing a game on your phone. Jake: It's not a game. It's a realistic pizza parlor simulator. [chuckling] It's very different. - There's no winning. Amy: Then why do you play? Jake: To earn pizza points to get better toppings. Trudy: What's up, Peralta? Jake: Hey, Trudy Judy and dog Judy. What's going on? Are you puppy sitting for Doug? Trudy: Well, I was, but I need you to take him for me, because I'm going on a little vacay, and let's just say there's going to be some activities that aren't suitable for a little dog. Mm! Like parasailing. Amy: Oh. Thought you were building to something much more sexual. Trudy: Nope, just really pumped for parasailing. Also, there's gonna be a lot of [bleep], but the dog's okay with that. - Here. Amy: Ugh. As much as we would love to take care of this extremely unneutered animal, we can't, because I'm too allergic. Jake: Wait, why isn't Doug Judy taking care of dog Judy? Is he out of town or something? Trudy: Oh, no, you didn't hear? Doug got arrested. He's going to prison. Jake: Wait, what? Trudy: Doug got arrested. He's going to prison. Jake: Yeah, no, I heard you. I was just processing. Trudy: Aw. You want to hug a dog? Jake: Oh, my God. It's, like, a third of him. [upbeat music] ♪ Doug : Sup, Peralta? Jake: Hey, what's going on? Why didn't you tell me you're in jail? Did you not want me to find out who arrested you? Is there another cop in your life? Doug: No, none of these pigs mean jack to me. No offense to Evan. You've been great this week. Jake: I don't understand. I thought you went straight. Doug: I did. I got a job. I have a wife. But the other day, I was driving to the new mega Target in South Orange, New Jersey because they have 50 % off whole-home mesh wireless systems. Jake: With a rebate? Doug: No. Discount taken at register. Jake: Oh, you gotta h*t that. Doug: I know. And on the way over there, a guy rear-ended me and the cops showed up. Turns out I had a warrant out for my arrest. Jake: But we wiped your criminal record. Doug: You wiped my New York record. I stole a car in Trenton five years ago. Jake: Well, you still should have called me. - I could've helped you out. Doug: It wouldn't have mattered. There's a lot of evidence against me. I left a picture of me at the scene of the crime with a note bragging about how I did it. Jake: Ah, well, yes, that would make it difficult. Doug: Impossible. They're moving me to South Woods prison tomorrow. Jake: Tomorrow? Doug: I know. But you know what really bums me out? I had no warning. I only wish that I had known it was gonna happen so I could've had one last moment of joy before I get taken to jail. But alas...'tis not to be. Jake: Wait a minute. What if it...'tis to be? What if I drive you to prison? We could have one more adventure! Doug: Honestly, Jake, I don't see how it's possible to have fun on a trip to prison. Jake: Yeah, it sucks, but I dunno, maybe for just a few hours, you could focus on the journey and not the destination. Doug: "Focus on the journey, not the destination." I like that; did you steal it from a car commercial? Jake: No. It was an Instagram ad for a travel bidet. Look, I know it's not perfect, but if you say yes, I promise I will plan some sexy-ass surprises. Doug: How sexy we talking? Jake; How sexy you got? - _ - [rock music] Doug: Is that a ' 79 Pontiac Trans Am? Jake: Sexy-ass surprise number one. We're riding in style. Doug: I can't believe the Department of Corrections was cool with you taking your friend to prison. Jake: Well, I can be very persuasive. I got the guy and his family a six-day pass to Pirate's Cove Waterpark. Doug: So many days in the water. The family's gonna be pruney. Jake: Yeah, it wasn't a good bribe. Doug: Well, let's h*t the road. Jake: Up-bup-bup. Before we do that. There's another surprise, but I'm gonna need your hands free for this one. Doug: Wait, you got a pen? I'll show you a little trick I learned from a magician who, for legal purposes, shall remain nameless, but is unquestionably a mind freak. Jake: [whispers] Criss Angel. Doug: I can neither confirm nor deny... bam! Your cuffs and your pen, sir. Jake: That was incredibly fast. Consider my mind freaked. On that note, it is time for sexy-ass surprise number two. A classic Jake and Judy outfit change! BOTH: ♪ Ah! ♪ [laid-back funk music] ♪ Doug: I'm feeling this print. Jake: I thought you might. We got tigers and toucans. Doug: Tigers and toucs! Jake: Ooh. And now, for the pièce de résistance. Doug [nasal laugh] Oh, ho, ho, ho! Little French. I like where this is going. Jake: And voilà. Doug:"PB" and "&J." Jake: Pontiac Bandit and Jake. Go together like peanut butter and jelly. Doug; It's never coming off. Except for in a couple hours when I have to check into prison for five years. Jake: Buh-bup-bup... journey, not the destination. Doug: It's never coming off. Jake: That's the spirit. Let's ride. ♪ Doug: Mind if I DJ? Jake: I was counting on it. Bust out those banging bar mitzvah beats, bruv. Doug: Let's see what you got. Kendrick Lamar, Meek Mill, - really a lot of Taylor Swift. Jake: Pfft, I'm over her. I barely even memorized all the lyrics to "Folklore." Doug: What's SAS ? Jake: I'm glad you asked, mon frère. That track is sexy-ass surprise number three. [laughs excitedly] Okay, so I know this audio engineer who's friends with a guy who's roommates with a guy who gets lunch for a guy who's friends with a guy who knows Drake. And he laid down a b*at for us to write a song to! Doug: Drake laid down a b*at for us? Jake : What? No, no. The friend did. The Drake thing was just to establish his credentials. Doug: And it worked. That dude's, like, six spots removed from Drake. - He's the real deal. Jake: Mm. [hip-hop b*at] Doug♪ Uh ♪ Jake ♪ Uh ♪ Doug ♪ Uh ♪ Jake ♪ Uh ♪ Doug Uh ♪ A lot of room for uh's. I like that. Jake : I thought you would. Doug ♪ Doug and Jake rolling down the street ♪ Jake ♪ PB and J, a tasty little treat ♪ Doug ♪ Two cool dudes making sandals for your feet ♪ Jake What? Doug : I was going for the rhyme, but now I kind of feel like it's a good idea. Jake: Love it. ♪ Making sandals that last is our ideology ♪ ♪ Made real by our patented, strapless technology ♪ It's magnets. Doug [laughing] Okay! ♪ Yo, you can wear 'em on the beach ♪ ♪ Wear 'em on a hike ♪ ♪ Wear 'em on a Peloton exercise bike ♪ BOTH: ♪ Doug and Jake, two best friends ♪ ♪ With the premium, open-toed shoes for men! ♪ ♪ Rah! ♪ Jake [laughs] That was crazy. We never even rehearsed and just did it perfectly. It was like Jackson Maine and Ally. Doug: I call Ally. Jake: Aw, I wanted Ally. Okay, it's time for sexy-ass surprise number four. Let me ask you this. If you could eat any meal on Earth, what would it be? Doug: Cheeseburger cr*cker flavor Combos, Philly cheesesteaks from Pat's, Popeye's biscuits, McDonald's fries, Wendy's nuggets, Sonic tots, fountain Coke, and of course, my mama's sweet potato pie. Jake: Oh, wow. That's actually a very tall order, which I completely filled. Doug: What? You smorgasborded it? Jake: I smorgasborded it! Doug [laughs] You know what this calls for? Jake: What's that? Doug :Foot slap! BOTH: Ooh! Doug: How did you find cheeseburger cr*cker Combos? Weren't they discontinued? Tell me the whole story. Jake: A bodega in Queens had an old box. Doug: Wow. Jake: Yeah. Doug: Kind of makes me sad, though. Jake: How come? Doug: One day, it's out in the world thriving, and then poof, gets pulled off the streets. Jake: Ah. Well, I mean, it's not like it's gone forever. You know, it'll be back in circulation soon. Doug: Maybe, but sometimes when a product is taken off the shelves, it never returns. Jake: It's gonna be okay. I promise I'll visit the Combos every month. Doug: The Combos will be very grateful for that. They're lucky to have a friend like you. [horn honking] Jake: Charles? Boyle: Yeah. Jake: What are you doing? Boyle: What are you doing? Why are you alone with a criminal who's escaped you multiple times? Jake: Seems like a loaded question. Boyle: Oh, that's not even half my load. Jake: Okay. Boyle: Oh, my God. I'm too late. You're already seduced by Doug Judy's wiles. Jake: Okay, I appreciate the concern, but Doug has changed. This was an old crime, and he's already owned up to it. He's not trying to escape. Boyle: He's already out of his handcuffs. Jake: Just so we can do our sweet-ass outfit change. Doug: Tigers and toucans! Jake: Tigers and toucans! Boyle: Obviously, they're fantastic, but Jake, by trusting him, you're putting your job on the line, which means you're also putting my job on the line. Jake: How so? Boyle: Because if you get fired, I will swim out into the ocean until I'm too tired to swim back and I will sink to the bottom and then I won't have a job. Jake: Oh, my God. All right. Well, I'm already driving him to prison, so there's nothing I can do about it now. Boyle: Oh, yes, there is. Welcome to the Boyle bus. Doug: Why we getting in this wack ride? Jake: Charles refuses to accept what close friends we are. He thinks you're trying to escape and that your crew's on the lookout for the Trans Am, so he insisted we switch into his weird family bus. Doug: That's ridiculous. Jake: Isn't it? Doug: It doesn't matter what vehicle we're in. Jake: That's what I said. Doug: I'm gonna escape from you either way. Jake: Exactly. Wait, what was that? I still don't understand. What do you mean you're escaping? Doug: Sorry, bro. Plan is already in motion. Trudy came to you. You took the bait. Jake: Come on. If you were really trying to escape, why would you tell me? Doug: Honestly, I didn't like lying to you. You're a good friend. Jake: Well, if I'm such a good friend, why are you trying to escape from me? Doug: I'm not trying to escape from you. I'm trying to escape from prison. Let me ask you this. Do you know why I stole that car? Jake: Because you "love doing crimes." That's me directly quoting your catchphrase. Doug: First of all, my catchphrase is "slurp, slurp." Jake: You've never once said that. Doug: I say it constantly. Second of all, me "loving crime" is classic empty bravado. The truth is I was arrested when I was twenty two for something stupid. When I got out, nobody would hire me because I had a criminal record. My dreams of being a landscape architect were out the window. Jake: That was your dream? Doug: I wanted to be the Black Edward Scissorhands. Boyle: Oh, that's great. Jake: I get all that, but that's not what this is about. I mean, you could have escaped from anyone, but you chose to set me up. And now my job and my name are all on the line. You used me, Doug. You're a bad friend. Doug: You're the bad friend. Jake: I got you a tracksuit. Tigers and toucs. Doug: Might as well be a jumpsuit. A prison jumpsuit. You're taking me to prison. The fact that you thought I'd go willingly means you don't know me at all. Jake: Oh, please. I know everything about you. Doug: You didn't know my catchphrase. Jake: You have never once said "slurp, slurp" before today. Doug: That you believe that is so hurtful. Jake: Okay, well, there's clearly only one way to settle this. Boyle: Ignore him and take him directly to prison. Jake: A high-stakes trivia contest to decide who's the better friend. Doug: What? Jake: If I win, you agree not to try and escape. Doug: But if I win, you agree to let me go. Jake: Deal. Boyle: That is a bad idea. I cannot let you take this risk, Jake. Jake: It'll be just like game night at the Camden Senior Center. You can be Estelle Minderman. Boyle: She's my favorite emcee. Damn it, I'm in! - [horns honking] Jake: Charles! Boyle: The name of the game is called, "Who Knows Mo', Friend Or Foe, Are You Fo' Real - Or Just Fo' Show?" Jake: Little wordy. Boyle: Each contestant will answer and ask ten personal questions. Whoever gets the most correct answers will be crowned the better friend. Doug: Also, there is that whole "going to prison or not" thing. Boyle: America can't relate to the prison stuff; it's too real. It's a game about friendship, and may the better friend win. Jake, you will ask the first question. Begin! Jake: What is my middle name? Doug: You tell people it's Zack, but it's really Jeffrey. Jake: No, it's Zack, like Zack Morris. Boyle: Point for Doug. Doug: What is the name of the alter ego I use for fancy crimes? Jake: Lord Poncy Cumbershire. Doug: Tis correct. Boyle: Point for Jake. Jake: What is my favorite Knicks memory? Doug: When they fired Phil Jackson. Jake: Mm. Yeah, that was a good day. Doug: What is the most embarrassing thing - that's ever happened to me? Jake: Oh, when you were cut out of that season of "Real Housewives" - where you were dating Ramona. Doug: I wasn't embarrassed. I was just disappointed at the way it was handled. Jake: Yeah. What is my least favorite word? Doug: Buttress. Jake: It just makes me picture a mattress with a butt. Doug: What is my least favorite thing? Jake: Meringue because it looks so much better than it tastes. Doug: It's a trick food! ♪ Boyle: Doug's up by one. Jake, you need to answer the final question correctly. Otherwise, he wins. Doug, lay it on him. Doug: Hmm. Jake Peralta, do I have an earring? [suspenseful music] Jake: Um. What? Doug: You heard me. We've been in the car for three hours. You've known me for seven years. Do I have an earring? Jake: Oh, no. I'm drawing a blank. I can kind of picture a diamond stud. Doug: That'd be a good look. Jake: Or maybe a gold cross or a little hoop. Doug: I do have versatile ears. Jake: Now I'm just seeing it pretty clearly with no earring. Ah, this is hard. But I'm gonna go with my gut and say... yes, you do have an earring. Nothing but lobe? This whole time? Doug: Since the day we met. Jake: [groans] Doug: guess I know you better after all. Jake: Or do you? Doug: Wait, why are you smiling? Jake: Because we played you! If you actually knew me, you would have known that I only agreed to do "Who Knows Mo', Friend Or Foe, Are You Fo' Real Or Just Fo' Show?" - In order to stall. Boyle: I was in on it. "Estelle Minderman" is the code word we use for when there's a twist, because when Estelle hosts game night at the Senior Center, she always makes sure one of the games has a sexy twist. Jake : And when I was writing my answers into my phone, I was secretly texting Captain Holt our vehicle description and location. Backup is already on the way. Wait, why are you smiling now? Doug: Because I played you. I knew you would text for backup. So I changed your contacts while I was DJ-ing. Kendrick Lamar, Meek Mill, really a lot of Taylor Swift. So when you were texting Captain Holt, you were actually texting Trudy Judy. Trudy: State troopers are on their way. Sincerely, Raymond Holt. Doug: Now my crew knows exactly where we are and exactly what we're driving. Because I know you mo'. Slurp, slurp. Boyle: What do we do? We can't outrun Doug's men. The Boyle bus tops out at 50 . Jake: [shush] I'm calling Holt for help. - [line ringing] Trudy: Go for Trudy. Jake: Oh, damn it! Doug: Yeah, I changed all the numbers. Jake: Come on. Charles, give me your phone. All right, all right. - [line ringing] Holt: Peralta, what's going on? Jake: Sir, I need your help. Doug Judy tricked me and now his crew knows our location and they're on their way to help him escape. Doug: Hey, Captain Holt. Jake: Doug says hi. Holt: How many times have I warned you not to trust that man? Jake: A lot of times. But honestly, you tell me not to do things so often, I kinda just tune it out. Holt: If Doug Judy escapes, I can't help you; you will be fired. Jake: Okay, I know I messed up. But can you at least get us some backup? Holt: Send me a pin of your location. I'll have state troopers rendezvous with you. Do Judy's men know what car you're driving? Jake: Yes. They... no. Not for long. Doug: What the hell is this? Jake: This is the front of a Galaxie welded to the back of a Datsun with half its windows and no trunk. It's all I could afford. Boyle: You really think you're gonna make it to the prison in that? Jake: Well, we only have 38 miles left. So sorry, Judy, but it looks like I have the upper hand now. Doug: Door fell off. So what you want to talk about? Jake: Nothing. We're not talking anymore. - [phone ringing] Jake: No. No, no, no. No phone call for you. Doug: She's calling for you. Jake: Yeah, it was gonna be another fun road trip surprise. - But you don't deserve it. Doug: Sup, Rosa? Rosa ♪ Judy, Judy, Judy, Judy, Judy ♪ Jake: No, no, no, no, there's no singing for him now. Rosa: But you made me learn such a long song. It has 35 verses and no chorus. Jake: I know. I'm sorry. But plans have changed. Rosa: Let me guess. Doug wasn't excited about prison and now he's trying to escape? Jake: Yes. Doug: You know it. Rosa: [laughs] Good luck, Doug. [laughs] Doug: Thank you for planning that. - What's the next surprise? Jake: There isn't one. You ruined it. There's no more fun. Doug: So that's how it is? When it's gonna end with me in prison, we can have a good time. But now it's gonna end with me riding off into the sunset a free man, and we're all moody? Jake: You're not escaping. And if you did, I would lose my badge. Doug: Maybe it's for the best. You'd make a dope realtor. Jake: I don't want to be a realtor. Doug: You're telling me you don't want to sell a penthouse to Zayn Malik and then party with him afterwards? Jake: I mean... that does sound kind of cool. Doug: Next thing you know, you're the go-to guy for all of One Direction's property needs. [chuckles] Whoo! Jake: No! There's too much tension between Zayn and the others. You're selling me a pipe dream. Doug: All I'm saying is you're more than just your job. Jake: You know, it doesn't matter. It still doesn't give you the right to get me fired. Doug: Honestly, seems like a small price to pay for my freedom. Think about it. That's all I ask. [siren whoops] Jake: Oh, finally. Trooper Peyton: Captain Raymond Holt called in for backup. We're supposed to escort you to the prison. Jake: Copy that. Thanks. Trooper Peyton: What are y'all wearing? BOTH: Tigers and toucans. Yessir. Trooper Peyton: Interesting. And why isn't he cuffed? Doug: Uh, don't worry about it. PerAlta knows I wouldn't physically overwhelm him. What's happening here is more of a mental overwhelmsion. Jake: There's been no overwhelmsion of any kind. Doug: And yet I just tricked you into thinking - "overwhelmsion" is a word. Jake: [scoffs] No. Peyton: Stay in contact if you need anything. Jake: Thank you. Doug: Hey, if we're not gonna talk, can we at least play some music? - [lively polka music] - Oh, I can get with this. Oompah-oompah-oompah-oompah, oompah-oompah-oompah. Jake: What are you doing? Doug: Wow. I can't have a diverse musical palate? I'm not sure what you're so happy about. I have backup now. Doug: I'm choosing to focus on the journey, not the destination. Jake: Suit yourself. Wait a minute. This isn't part of your plan. Is it? Are the state troopers actually your guys? Doug: Sounds like something I would do. Jake: I mean, how would you even have contacted them? Unless somebody messed with Holt's phone. Doug: Classic Doug. Jake: No, it's crazy. You're just bluffing. Doug: Also classic Doug. - Rerouting. Jake: Rerouting? Doug: It's probably nothing. I'm sure we're going down a side road away from the prison for a good reason. [suspenseful music] Jake:,Hey, this is Peralta. Why'd you guys just turn? Where are you going? This is the way to the prison. [groans softly] Jake: I'm heading into a trap. - Aren't I? Doug: Hard to say. Jake: But if those are your guys, what are they waiting for? Doug: Don't know. Jake: But if they're not your guys, - where are we going? Doug: Unclear. Jake: I'm calling Charles. [line ringing] Trudy: What's up, Peralta? Jake: No! All right, Jake, stay calm. This all makes sense. You called for backup. Then Holt said backup was coming. And now they're here. These guys are real. If you can't trust them, you can't trust anyone. Doug: You're right. That's good logic. Jake: I can't trust anyone! [tires squealing] ♪ Okay. We lost them. I gotta know, were they actually your guys? Doug: Nope. Jake: Damn it! I knew it! Whatever. It doesn't matter anyway. We're almost there. We're just taking a different route. At the next intersection, turn left. Jake: Wait, this doesn't look right. Doug: Sure, it does. We just took a different route, like you said. Came in the back way. Jake: Yeah, but prison should be visible. You have reached your destination. ♪ Jake: Uh-oh. - [chuckles] Trudy : Slurp, slurp, Peralta. Doug: Slurp, slurp. - [slurps] Jake: I don't understand. How did this happen? Doug: Remember when I switched out your contacts? I also changed the destination in your GPS. Jake: So we've been driving to the wrong place this whole time? Everything else was just a distraction? Doug: I wanted you to focus on the journey, not the destination. Jake: Oh. Doug: Yeah. I got that from you. Trudy: Dumbass. Doug: He's not a dumb-ass, Trudy. It was a brilliant plan. Trudy: Yeah, that hinged on him handing you his phone and not noticing that he was driving directly to us. Doug: Yeah, but there was also some mental misdirection. Jake: It was a bit of a chess match; it's true. Trudy: Yeah, a chess match with a dumb-ass. Vince Michael Thompson: All right, we gotta move. Judys, you get in the SUV. I'll take care of the cop. Doug: What do you mean, "take care of him"? Vince: sh**t him in the face. Jake: What? - Doug, who are these guys? Doug: I don't know. Trudy, who are these guys? Trudy: Well, your old crew split when you went legit, so I put a ad for g*ons on the internet. Doug: TaskRabbit? Trudy: Craigslist. Doug: Trudy, never contact Craigslist crooks. Vince: He's a cop. He's seen our faces. Doug: It's okay. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't even know your names. Vince: It's Vince Thompson. Doug: Don't tell him! Jake: Look, I'm just after Doug, that's it. Doug: Yeah, he's gonna forget all about you, guy whose name I can't even remember. Vince: It's Vince Michael Thompson. Doug: What is wrong with you? Vince: Look, you can let us do what you hired us to do or you can join your buddy in a ditch. Doug: Fair enough. Enjoy the ditch, Jake. Jake: "Enjoy the ditch"? Those are your final words to me? Doug: Hey man, it's not a game, and I'm not Estelle Minderman. Life is about choices, difficult choices that sometimes... now! [dramatic music] Jake: All right, nobody move! Stay where you are! Trudy: See you later, dumb-ass! ♪ [indistinct chatter] Cop: I'll take the prisoner. Jake: Oh, can you actually give me one second? Thanks. Look, Doug, I'm sorry it's gotta be like this. If you're mad at me, I get it. Doug: I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself. I should never become friends with a cop. I mean, how'd I expect this to end? Jake: [sighs] Well, regardless, thanks for saving me back there with the Estelle Minderman thing. Doug: I wasn't gonna let them hurt you, Jake. - We're PB and J. Jake: We're PB and J. Yeah. I want to hug you, but you're cuffed. Doug: You can hug me. [warm music] ♪ Jake: [sighs] Okay, you can take him. I'll see you soon. ♪ _ Terry: Peralta, there's a call for you. Jake: Oh, is it a casting agent from "Double Dare"? I submitted it as a kid. Maybe they're finally calling to put me on the show. Terry: You think they'd be calling Thirty years later? Jake: All right, fine. I also submitted to the reboot. Terry: It's not "Double Dare." It's an inmate from South Hills state prison. Jake: Doug Judy. Hello? Doug: Hey, Peralta. - What's good? Jake: Hey, Doug, are you okay? Doug: I wanted you to know, and I've been thinking about it a lot... I didn't mean what I said. I'm glad I met you. Sure, it ended badly, but we had some good times along the way too. We went on a cruise together. Jake: We flew on Mark Cuban's jet. Doug: We ate at a restaurant next to Gail from "Top Chef." Jake: Yeah, and then you got so mad at her about "Last Chance Kitchen." Doug: I wasn't mad. I just think it's insane that they make you go online to watch it. The point is I wouldn't trade those moments for anything. I'm choosing to focus on the journey. [person speaking non-English language] Jake: Wait a minute. What language was that? Doug: I don't know. Maybe Dutch. There's a lot of that in here. You know how active the Dutch mafia is in Jersey. Jake: Judy. Doug : - Okay, fine. Surprise! I'm in Amsterdam! I escaped from prison. My wife and I are living the life here now. Amsterdam is great. Jake, they got universal healthcare, legalized marijuana, and the workers are treated so much better. But you know what the best part is? Jake: That you're a free man again. Doug: No. Stroopwafels. They're, like, these wafer cookies with caramel in between. Jake: Oh, yeah, I think I've seen those at Trader Joe's. Well, look, I guess I'm happy that you're happy. Doug: Well, I owe it all to you. Jake: What do you mean? Doug: I think you know what I mean. Jake: Nope, no idea. Doug: Really? Because after we hugged goodbye, I noticed your pen was in my pocket. Jake: Oh, that's weird. It was? Doug: Uh-huh, and then I used it to mind freak myself out of my cuffs and then out of jail. Jake: Well, then I guess it's certainly lucky that it ended up in your pocket. Doug: I wonder how it got there. Jake: Yeah. Well, I guess we'll never know. Doug: Well, however it got there, I'm glad it did. I love you, Peralta. Jake: Love you, too, Judy. Doug: Tigers and toucs! Jake: Tigers and toucs.

{"type": "series", "show": "Brooklyn Nine-Nine", "episode": "08x05 - PB & J"}

foreverdreaming

Holt: Attention, everyone, a b*mb was just found on a bus in Downtown Brooklyn. Jake: Oh, my God, a b*mb on a bus. It's a "Speed"? I get to work a "Speed"? Holt: That sentence is nonsensical. One can work with speed, but one certainly cannot work a speed. Jake: "Speed" is a movie. I won't let you ruin this! Boyle: Really never seen "Speed," sir? Keanu Reeves, Sandy Bullock, Jeff Daniels at the height of his sexual powers? Jake: Can we please just focus! The b*mb could go off at any moment. Holt: Actually, it can't. It's already been defused. Jake: Oh, well, there's still a b*mb on the loose. You can't ruin this! All right, tell me about the bus. Was it headed to the courthouse? Terry: It wasn't an MTA bus. It was that. A "Marvelous Mrs. Maisel" tour bus. Jake: No, you're not ruining this! Has anyone heard from the b*mb? Has he made any demands? Feingold: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Special Agent Feingold, FBI. This is our case. You're not a part of it. Jake: Oh, man! You ruined it. [upbeat music] ♪ Jake: Agent Feingold, our guys were on the scene first. We're not gonna let you take the case. Tell him, sir. Holt: We're letting you take the case. Jake: What? But I said that so cool! Holt: They're the feds. They have jurisdiction. Agent Feingold, call me if you need anything. Feingold: Sorry, guy, guess you're just gonna have - to let the big boys handle it. Jake: Please just let us help you. This is an all-hands-on-deck situation. I could be a good resource. Here, watch this. - What's up, Officer Marzipan? Marzipan: Oh, hey. Jake: You're gonna want that kind of shorthand with Marzipan if you want to catch this guy. Feingold: We don't need all hands on deck. The b*mb was rigged with a chintzy $ 4 watch - set to explode at 12 : 00 a.m. Jake: Midnight? But there wouldn't be anybody on it. Feingold: Yeah, the idiot clearly meant to set it for noon. We're not dealing with a mastermind here. I'm sure there's prints all over the place Jake: I don't know... I've just got a gut feeling - there's more to this. Feingold: Oh, a gut feeling? You know what your gut tells you to do most of the time? Take a dump. And you just took a big one all over yourself. Jake: Okay, well, I don't have a comeback for that, so I'm just gonna go. [sniffs] Agent Feingold. Terry: Scully, it's our favorite time of year. Cagney and Lacey's annual school candy drive! I took the liberty of duplicating your order from last year. Simply sign at the X, and I'll get it placed for you. Scully: Oh, about that, I don't know if I'm gonna buy anything from you this year. Terry: What? But we've been in business together since pre-K. Scully: I know, but there's someone else. Terry: Someone else? Scully: It's not you. It's me. My taste in candy changed. Terry: Look, everyone goes through rough patches, but we can't give up. You owe it to Cagney and Lacey. Scully: Please don't bring the kids into this. Terry: The kids are a part of it whether you like it or not. Who are you buying from? Tell me, now! Boyle: The other man is me. Nikolaj is selling candy this year, too. Terry:?You're cheating on me with Boyle? Frank: Oh, there she is, my archnemesis. Amy: You're a cop, O'Sullivan. Shouldn't your archnemesis be a criminal? Frank: No. Amy: Okay, what do you want? Frank: Well, I came here to reach a truce with you over your pilot program that persecutes the uniformed officers in my union. Amy: Its aim is to reduce instances in which armed cops are needlessly interacting with civilians. It could save lives and restore trust with the community. Frank: That's persecution, plain and simple. But I don't want to fight with you. I'd rather be civilized and reach some common ground - over a drink. Amy: It's the middle of the day. Frank: Well, that's how business gets done in the real world. Amy: Look, I'm not changing the pilot program. Frank: Okay, have it your way, but I got to say, you're going to be sorry. Amy: Are you thr*at me? Frank: No, I'm informing you that I hold a lot of power, and unless you're willing to play ball with me, I will wield said power against you. Again, not a thr*at, but go ahead and change your mind, or else. All the best. Rosa: So you lost a "Speed." That sucks. At least you didn't have a "Sister Act" taken from you. Holt: Bracco confessed. The undercover operation is over. Rosa: But I just got a spot in the choir. Jake: Wait, is that the real reason you left the force? Rosa: It didn't help. Jake: Right. Look, I don't care that I lost a "Speed." I care that the FBI is not taking the case seriously. They think the b*mb is just some idiot, but what if he's not an idiot? What if he wanted it to go off at midnight? Oh, my God. He wanted it to go off at midnight. Rosa: Why? Wouldn't it just be an empty parking lot with nobody in it? Jake:,Yeah, but there could be a target there, which he would try to h*t again. There's gonna be a second b*mb, just like in "Speed"! [gasps] I've got a "Speed" again! Rosa; I thought you said you didn't care about it being a "Speed." Jake: Of course, I care about it being a "Speed"! That's all I care about! I've got to go! Rosa: You owe me money for this. Jake: Good one, Rosa! [mysterious music] ♪ Jake:Hi. Amy: Hey. I just got home. Where are you? Jake: Sorry, I'm checking out the lot where the bus parks at night. Amy: Ugh, but Holt told you not to. He's gonna be pissed when he finds out. Jake: Not when I bust the b*mb. Marzipan gave me the lot's address. He's actually helping me out because of our intimate shorthand. Amy: You know, Marzipan's kind of a bad dude. We're desperately trying to f*re him. Jake: No, I did not know that! Why didn't anyone tell me that before I pretended to be friends with him? Well, looky here. Amy: What? Jake: Guess what's next to the lot. An IRS building. That has to be the target. Amy: Jake, you should call the feds. Jake: No, they won't even care. I need more proof. ♪ Jake: I got to call you back. Hey. - Hey. Jake: NYPD. Mind if I ask you a couple of questions? Wait, no, stop! Ugh. [suspenseful music] ♪ Jake: Hey, there. Boyle: Uh-oh, I know that strut. Little hip swing, playful butt bounce... Somebody made a collar! Jake: Not loving you talking about my butt bounce, but, also, hell, yeah, someone collared a big dog! Woof, woof! Holt: Peralta, you made an arrest in the bus b*mb? Jake: Yes, look, I know that I was told to back off, but something just didn't sit right, so I went back up there, and I caught the guy. He was snooping around. Now, he's not talking yet... Holt; Because he didn't do it. Jake: What? Holt: The feds already solved the case. There were prints on the b*mb, which led to a suspect who confessed immediately. Jake: Well, why didn't anyone tell me that? Holt: 'Cause they didn't have to because it's not your case. Jake: So I arrested an innocent person? Holt: Yes. Jake: Oh... that's not okay. Uncool, uncool, uncool, uncool, uncool, uncool, uncool, uncool, uncool. Holt: Are you saying cool or uncool? Jake: Uncool. It's just hard to say it fast, but this is bad! Holt: Peralta, we need to talk. Jake: I know. You're not mad. You're just disappointed. Holt: I'm actually both mad and disappointed. Jake: What? You can't be both! You are either Mad Dad or Sad Dad... pick a lane. All right, look, I know that I brought in the wrong guy, but I'm telling you, something doesn't add up, and for what it's worth, I made sure he was let out as soon as I knew what was going on. Holt: He was in processing for ten hours, which made him late for work, which meant he got fired. He's suing you and the department for wrongful arrest. I'm gonna have to suspend you. Jake: Ugh, okay, this is really bad, - and I'm sor... Frank: Stop talking. What's going on here? Were you about to say the S word? Jake: The S word? "Sorry"? Frank: Oh, good God, don't say it out loud, man! Holt: Why are you here, O'Sullivan? Peralta isn't even in the patrolman's union. Frank: I'm here to protect Marzipan. He and Peralta worked very closely together - on this one. Holt: Seriously, Peralta, Marzipan? With all the open I.A. investigations against him? Jake: I've met him, like, one time. I don't even know his first name. Frank: His name is David. David Duke Marzipan. Jake: David Duke Marzipan? Hey, don't you go profiling him for what he changed his name to. You can't judge a book by its cover. Jake: You can if it's written by David Duke. Holt: Look, Peralta made a mistake... Frank: Holy crap, you didn't use the M word, did you? Jake: No. Frank: Oh, thank God. Because the M word is just about the worst thing you can say if you're a cop. Besides, the real point here is, what was the perp doing snooping around a bus lot at night? Holt: The victim cuts through that lot on his way home when it's open, and it was open because Peralta picked the lock. Frank: What a bunch of bunk. Why'd the perp run away unless he was guilty of something? Holt: Because he was understandably scared of interacting with a cop. Frank: I see... well, that excuse hasn't worked in the last fifteen cases against Marzipan, and I don't think it'll work now. Jake: Fifteen ? Frank: Peralta, I can make all of this disappear. That's what the police union does. But you got to play ball with me, son. What do you say? Jake: Sir, can I speak with you in private, please? I just had an epiphany. Holt: That you're fallible and you made an M word. Jake: Absolutely not. This whole thing is a setup! Boyle: ♪ Oh, who could take a sunrise ♪ ♪ Sprinkle it with dew ♪ [laughs] ♪ Cover it in chocolate ♪ ♪ And a miracle or two? ♪ ♪ The candy man can ♪ Terry:,Wow, so you're just gonna do your business all out in the open like some common candy ho? Boyle: You're just jealous. Scully: Boyle, where's my candy? Boyle: What? Scully: The box is full of sand. Or maybe it's sugar. [spits] Oh, it's not sugar. It's sand. Is this some sort of sick joke? Boyle: There was candy in there earlier. - Maybe it fell out? Scully: I don't want excuses, bitch! I want my candy! The vending machine is broken, and you're my only snack source. Terry: He doesn't have to be. I still have your purchase order. Boyle: You. You did this. Terry: Please, I would never do something that childish, and you would know that if you weren't a big, stinky dumb-dumb who smelled like butts. Jake: Okay, so here's what I'm thinking. The union set me up. Think about it. O'Sullivan told Amy if she didn't drop her pilot program, "she'd be sorry," and now suddenly, I'm being thr*at with suspension? Holt: Sure, but he thr*at her, not you. Jake: We're married. We're a team. Amy: Really? What about when I wanted to run a half marathon together and you told me to rot in hell? Jake: That was clearly a playful joke. Amy: So will you run the half marathon with me? Jake: No, I would die! Look, O'Sullivan said he could make my suspension go away if just "played ball." He's clearly trying to get me to lean on you to k*ll your program. Holt: This doesn't sound like a setup. O'Sullivan didn't make you arrest an innocent man. Jake: Or did he? Think about it. Marzipan, who I never liked, by the way, was the one who gave me the address to the bus lot. I think he and O'Sullivan made sure there was a "suspect" there for me to arrest. Holt: You think the victim was a plant? Jake: I didn't believe it either until I checked the guy's file. Guess what he does for a living? Actor. Huh? - Come on, sir, you hate actors! Holt: I don't hate actors. I hate colleges that award diplomas for acting. Amy: I mean, I wouldn't put it past O'Sullivan. He is desperate to k*ll our reform program. Holt: True, he tried to blackmail me before. Frank: If you don't give me what I want, I will release proof that you are a h*m*. Holt: I came out thirty years ago. Frank: Ah, you're impossible. Jake: So you agree it was a setup. I have your unbridled support? Holt: My support is extremely bridled. You have circumstantial evidence at best. Jake: All right, then I guess we just have to prove it. Holt: Absolutely not. You can't investigate your accuser. It's retaliation. Jake: Which is why the investigation will focus only on O'Sullivan and be led by someone from the outside. A friend, a confidant, a... Holt: Diaz. Jake: Yes. Damn it, you kind of stepped on the dramatic entrance we had planned, and you threw off our... Rosa: Me. Jake: Timing. The point is Amy and Rosa will head up the investigation, and the entrance worked perfectly. Holt: Interesting, you two are sure you want to be involved with this? Rosa: Investigating O'Sullivan? Yeah, that dude sucks. He tried to blackmail me. Frank: If you don't stop harassing my officers, I will release proof that you are bisexual. Rosa: Already came out. Frank; Oh, come on. You can't blackmail anyone anymore. Amy: Okay, so here's the plan. O'Sullivan likes to do deals over drinks. So I invite him to Shaw's and order us a couple beers. I nod along as he talks about how surprisingly cool his mom is. Order more beers. I also nod along as he talks about how horrible his ex-wife is. Order more beers. I also nod along as he kind of implies he wishes his wife was his mom. Frank: Nobody spoons like my mom. Amy: But I'm not the only one who's one listening. O'Sullivan's a blowhard, so he just needs a little push. Get him drunk enough, eventually he'll just come out and admit that he set Jake up. The plan is flawless. So there's one flaw with my plan. Rosa: O'Sullivan isn't even buzzed, and you're totally hammered? Amy: I'm so hammered! Delivery guy: Pizza delivery for Jake Peralta. Jake: Oh, that's me. I didn't order a pizza, though. Someone must know I've been having a hard day. Delivery guy: You've been served. Jake: What? Come on! Hitchcock: Been there, brother. What did you get served? Jake: Oh, you. I'm being sued for wrongful arrest. Hitchcock: No, I don't care about that. I'm talking pizza toppings. The District Court does a great pepperoni. Jake: You know what? Why are you even talking to me? Scully's taking a nap. What are you doing on there? Hitchcock: I miss my old role in the Nine-Nine... Hitchcock, the wise sage, always helping people through their troubles. Jake: That was never your role. Wait a minute. This address. The guy said he lived up by the bus lot and that's why he was cutting through, but according to this, his address isn't anywhere near that lot. He lied. This is huge. I got to call Amy and Rosa. Amy: And that is why "Kristy and the Snobs" is the best Baby-Sitters Club Book ever. Hey, we should go fly-fishing sometimes. Rosa: That's never gonna happen. We need to sober you up and get you back out there. Coffee and carbs usually work, so here's what we're gonna to do. Amy: Ow! Rosa! What about the carbs? Rosa: That was a misdirection. Carbs never work. - Slapping's the only way. Amy: Oh, I think it worked. And I just want to say, what makes "Kristy and the Snobs" so good is the snobs. Their names are Tiffany and Shannon, and they laugh at Louie even though he's going blind, - which is so sad. Rosa: Okay. I'm calling Holt. This is a failure. Amy: No, wait, wait. I have an idea. Oh, I bet it's great. Okay, you know how guys like O'Sullivan, they think we all look the same, right? So you dress as Amy. You take my place. And, oh, my God! Is nine-drink Amy a genius? Rosa: That's never gonna work. You just need to sober up and get back out there. - Oh, you're on the floor. - [exhales deeply] Frank: What's going on here? Rosa: Uh, nothing. Frank: Nothing? I distinctly remember you saying we were moving on to sh*ts. And yet you bring us more beers? You got to do a better job than that, Santiago. Rosa: Right, right, I guess we'll just have to sh**t these, then. Frank: Yes, we will! Terry: Sugar. [hums melody] ♪ Oh, Scully, Scully ♪ [hums melody] ♪ You are my candy friend ♪ Boyle: Boring! No costume change much? Scully: What the heck? This isn't my order. Terry: What, did they give you sour straws instead of sour ropes? I specifically said... Scully: No, it's just apples! Terry, you sick son of a bitch. Terry: I didn't do it! Boyle must have! Boyle: I would never do that. This is just what happens when you order candy from a candy child and not a candy man. Terry: I'll show you a candy man. Boyle: Hey, what the hell? Oh, you picked the wrong guy to get in an apple fight with. Terry: Why is that? Boyle: Because I was MVP of my fast-pitch softball summer camp. Terry: Wow, I'm so scared... Oh! Ow. Jake: There you are. I found proof that this was a setup. Look, the victim lied about his address. - Zip! Holt: What's that? Jake: That's the sound of your bridle unzipping. Unbridled support from earlier? Holt: You don't know what a bridle is, do you? Jake: I do not. We're getting sidetracked. Once I realized he was lying, I looked at his social media. He starts rehearsals for a rock musical in Florida on Monday. Holt: That tracks. Theater like that belongs in the swamps. Jake: Well, yeah, obviously, I can't disagree, but the point is we're running out of time. I should tail him and figure out what he's up to before he skips town. Holt: You'll do no such thing. We have a plan. Santiago and Diaz are with O'Sullivan. - They have it under control. Jake: Are you sure? 'Cause I keep calling them, and they're not answering. Holt:?Have faith in them. They're professionals. Rosa: I'm so drunk. He's had fourteen beers, and he's not even slurring his words. Amy: Well, I feel better. I had some floor pretzels. Let's switch places again. Rosa: Yes, two of us can outdrink that son of a bitch. Frank: Here's to you, Santiago. All the best, bottoms up. Whoa, Nelly! [upbeat music] ♪ Frank: Here's to you. ♪ [laughter] How about it? ♪ Well, now, what the hell am I looking at? BOTH: Nothing. Amy: Oops. You're drunk, and you're seeing double. Frank; Oh, give me a break. You can't really think I'm that stupid. Rosa: I mean, we've been switching places for the last two hours, and you didn't notice, so... Frank: That's 'cause I don't look at women's eyes when I'm talking to 'em. - Now, what's going on? Amy: You set up my husband! You're using him to blackmail me into dropping police reform. We're getting you drunk so you can admit it. Frank: I'm not blackmailing Jake. When I blackmail somebody, you'll know it. I own my blackmailing. Amy: Then what did you mean when you said I'd be sorry if I didn't drop police reform? Frank: I was talking about taking your snacks. Amy: Huh? - Oh, come on. Frank: Who do you think broke the vending machine that got Detective Flat Top all riled up, stole Detective Little Guy's candy shipment, and swapped out Sergeant Muscle Guy's candy for seasonal fruit? Rosa: Your people. Frank: Bingo. And it's driving your guys crazy. Now, if your precinct would like to get their candy back. I'd be willing to negotiate. Amy: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So when you told Jake you could get him out of his suspension, that wasn't blackmail? Frank: If I am passionate about one thing, it's getting cops off without punishment. How dare you turn that into something dirty? Shame on the both of you. Amy: Oh, we got to call Jake. [soft dramatic music] Amy: Where is he? ♪ [camera shutter clicks] Jake: Got ya. [telephone rings] Holt: This is Captain Holt. Amy: Oh, hello, Captain. It's Amy Santiag-ago. Holt: Sergeant, are you drunk? Amy: Oh, he thinks I'm drunk. - What do I do? Rosa: Uh, British accent. Amy: Smart. That'll fool him. [Cockney accent] Yes, sir, quite drunk. w*nk*r, really. Holt: What did you learn? Did O'Sullivan set up Peralta? Amy: No, he didn't. Me husband wasn't set up at all. He wasn't, but me big problem now is that me husband can't be reached by me telly. Holt: Please stop talking like that. Amy: Okay. Holt: Peralta wanted to tail the victim. I forbade him, but I bet he did it anyway. I'll text you the address. Amy: [normal voice] Oh. We got to stop Jake. Rosa: How? We're too drunk to drive. Amy: True, but we're not too drunk to pedal. [bell dinging] Amy: Jake, oh, thank God we found you in time. Jake: We? Amy: Me and Rosa, duh. Jake: Rosa's not with you. Amy: Right. I lost her when she rode down the stairs to the subway. [laughing] It was so funny! Jake: Okay, just shh, 'cause my guy is in there. Amy: By the way, I really like that hat. You look like a little narc. Jake: And you enjoy that? Amy: Oh, yeah. Jake: Okay. Amy: But that's not why I'm here. O'Sullivan didn't set you up. Jake: Wait, what? Are you sure? Amy: Yeah, all O'Sullivan did was mess with the vending machine and Scully's candy. That was his blackmail. Jake: Okay. Wow, okay, that's bad. That guy's innocent, and I arrested him, and now I'm tailing him. Amy: I know! Let's just go "herm"! Rosa: Jake! Jake! Hey, Jake, you're following an innocent man! [rock music] [Amy gasps] Jake: Hey, man. What are you doing here? What a weird coincidence. Amy: [Cockney accent] Do a British accent. _ Boyle: Hey, Lieutenant, I think we should talk. How you doing? - _ - Oh, no, I'm so sorry. Sir, I want to apologize. [muffled speech] Okay, I have no idea what you're saying. Look, I know the union set us up, but we let it happen. Your friendship means the world to me, and I would hate for it to be destroyed by a competition to sell more candy. Terry: Me too. Hitchcock: You guys are selling candy? There's nothing good here. Could one of you ship to Brazil? [both chuckling] Boyle: Oh! You sneaky son of a bitch! Holt: We're adding intimidation to the charges against you. Jake: I know, you're both mad and disappointed. Holt: I'm neither. I'm displeased. Jake: Is that worse? Holt: Yes. Of my sixteen potential reactions, only one is stronger, and you should be thankful you've never seen me huffy. Jake: Well, you have every right to be. I know I messed up. I just never imagined myself as someone who would make a mistake like that, and then I just made it worse, you know? Frank: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? Learning a lesson? You don't have any lessons to learn. You didn't do anything wrong. Holt: What do you want, O'Sullivan? Frank: This is Mel Jenkins... City attorney in charge of payoffs and bribes. Mel: Uh, not my title. I handle tort claims. Frank: Whatever. Mel and I just had ourselves a little chat - over morning drinks. Jake: More drinks? Frank: Relax, it was just a couple of breakfast beers. So the department is going to settle without mitting any wrongdoing, and because the facts of the case will remain unresolved, there will be no suspension for Marzipan or Peralta Holt: How's that possible? Peralta arrested and harassed an innocent man. Frank: Come on, now, these are cops. They got to make split-second decisions in life-or-death situations, and they can't be expected to get that 100 % correct every single time. Holt: This was not a life-or-death situation. Frank: Sure, but next time it might be. And how can this one be expected to do his job when he knows that any teeny-tiny lapse in judgment could end with you branding him a dirty cop and ruining his life? Jake: Oh, I've never seen this face before. Wait, is that... Holt: Yes, he's made me huffy. Do you know what happens when you refuse to punish cops for their mistakes, when police are treated as a separate class of citizen above the law? It breeds a lack of trust in the community, and that lack of trust means people won't help us with our investigations or testify or even call us when they're in danger. It makes them more scared of us than of criminals and gangsters. It makes them run when we approach, even though they've done nothing wrong. It makes the people see us as the enemy, which leads to more confrontation, more distrust. You wonder how Peralta can do his job when he's held accountable for his actions? I wonder how any of us can do our job if he's not. Frank: What a bunch of bunk. The city's gonna settle. There are not gonna be any suspensions. - Take the win. Jake: Wait. What if I admit I made an error and apologize? Frank: He is speaking hypothetically. You'll notice he never used the S word and he never used the M word. Jake: I'm sorry. I made a mistake. Frank: Holy [bleep]! Let the record show that he didn't say anything specific. Jake: I arrested a man without a sufficient probable cause in a case I was removed from. Frank: He has no idea what he's talking about. Jake: I then followed my victim to his home... Frank: Now's a good time for us to leave. Jake: In an act that could only be seen as police intimidation. Frank: La, la, la, la, la, la. Jake; I take full responsibility for my mistake, and I'm willing to say as much in a court of law. Frank: La, la, la, la, la, la. Jake: And what's more, I'm very, very sorry! Mel: Yeah, he has to be suspended. I'm sorry. Frank: Ah, don't you start. Jake: Wow. That was amazing. We b*at him. I can't believe it actually worked out okay. Holt: You're suspended for five months. Jake: Right, I know. But I deserve it. And I learned a valuable lesson from all this, so I'm counting it as a win. Holt: I get that, Peralta, but things will be a lot better when a man doesn't have to lose his job for you to learn a lesson. Jake: Yeah, fair enough. Thank you, sir. It was crazy when you got huffy. Holt: I was so huffy. Jake: I got scared. Holt: Wow. Jake: Yeah.

{"type": "series", "show": "Brooklyn Nine-Nine", "episode": "08x06 - The Set Up"}

foreverdreaming

Mel: Good morning, Cousin Tommy. I love you. Tommy: Good morning, Cousin Mel. I love you. Good morning, Cousin Sam. I love you. Sam: Good morning, Cousin Tommy. I love you. Good morning, Cousin Becca. I love you. Becca: Good morning, Cousin Sam. I love you. Good morning, Pappy Boyle. I love you. Pappy; Good morning, Becca. I love you. Becca: Ooh, extra-long hug. What got into you this morning, Pappy? Pappy? Pappy! [screaming] [upbeat music] ♪ Jake: Oh, Charles. I'm so sorry about your great-uncle Pappy. You holding up okay? Boyle: I've been managing. Terry: Mm... Have you though? Boyle: Number two, step up. Say, "Charles, it's Pappy. I'll always love you." Perp: Okay. Uh, "Charles, it's Pappy. I'll always love you." Boyle: Then why did you leave me? Anyway, thanks for coming with me to the funeral. I think we're all packed. I just got to go grab the coffin. Terry; Wait, why are you bringing the coffin? Boyle: I brought a coffin to my nana's funeral on a whim, and it was a big h*t. So now, guess who's the coffin cousin? Jake: Got to say, Terry, I'm a little surprised you're coming to this. Terry: Honestly, I need a break from the kids. Cagney and Lacey keep trying to trick me into falling down the stairs on TikTok. Terry can't sprain another ankle. Jake: Well, I, for one, am pumped to be going. Terry: To a funeral? Jake: I'm so bored, Terry. I've been suspended for 97 days. Mac gets dropped off at day care, and I just sit at home playing "Animal Crossing." But no one will buy my bugs or fossils. I'm desperate for some normal human interaction. Boyle: Coffin delivery! Jake: Okay, fine. It doesn't have to be normal or human. Any interaction will work. Rosa: Yo. You forgot your lunch. Holt: Oh. Thank you, Diaz. Amy: Sir, I didn't realize you were still staying at Rosa's. I thought couple's counseling was going well. Holt: Not anymore. At Kevin's request, I offered to reduce my work hours by 26 %. Kevin countered with 15 . Which I countered with 30. Then Kevin says 40 ... Amy: Seems like a lot of math for therapy. Holt; That's what Dr. Cheryl said... which is why we fired her, and now we're working with Dr. Ramanujan. He's a physicist with a nice, concrete worldview. Anyway, Kevin refuses to budge from 36%. And I'm starting to worry that I might lose to him. Amy: You mean lose him. Holt: No. Lose to him. Therapy is a chess match. And... I will prevail. Amy: Or it's about saving your marriage. You should make a grand romantic gesture. Rosa: Ugh, so dumb. Amy: Seriously? From the woman who loves Nancy Meyers movies? Rosa: Yeah. Here's what I've learned as a PI. People suck, everyone cheats, and love is an illusion. Nancy Meyers is a fool, and Holt should start dating. - BOTH: What? Rosa: You heard me. It's the only way you're gonna b*at Kevin. Holt: I'm thinking about it. I'm considering it, and I've decided. - I'm in. - [gasps] Boyle: Here it is. Pappy Boyle's farm. I spent every summer here as a kid. Jake: Got to say, it's nicer than I was expecting. Boyle: Pappy did well for himself. He went to business school in New York. He got a job in Wall Street. And one day his hand got caught in a subway door. And he was dragged from Times Square into Queens. Largest settlement in city history. Terry: Ew. Pappy should've used that cash on pest control. There's giant rats everywhere. Boyle: Those are nutria, Terry. They're nothing like rats. They have meatier haunches, and their teeth are more orange. You know, nutria are actually great pets. They're affectionate and smart. They know how to open doors. Plus, you can milk them. Jake: But... should you? Boyle: Pappy drank nutria milk, and he was fit as a fiddle. Anyway, you got to see the house. I can't wait to show you the rug I was born on. Jake: Sure it's been cleaned since then. Sam: Charles Boyle, I love you. Charles: Sam Boyle, I love you. [both groaning] Sam: Where's that d*ad body? Charles: He's in the barn, and he looks adorable. Sam: Ah, terrific. And everything's set for the funeral? There's one little issue. We can't find Pappy's will. Charles: What? Sam: He wanted to leave the farm to the Council of Cousins, but if we don't find those papers, it goes to Cousin Lyndon. Charles: Oh, no. Jake: Who's Cousin Lyndon? Charles: Pappy's son. He's the black sheep of the family. Jake: Wait, so we have a wealthy patriarch who mysteriously died, a missing will, and a black sheep set to inherit everything? Am I the only one who suspects foul play here? Terry: He didn't die mysteriously. He was ninety three . Jake: He was fit as fiddle, Terr. From all the nutria milk. Charles: Don't be ridiculous. No Boyle would ever commit m*rder. Boyles don't even get mad at each other. Except in that rare instance of cousin-on-cousin jealousy. Terry: You're just bored from your suspension and desperate to find a case to work. Jake: No. That's not it. I'm just telling you, something doesn't smell right here. Sam: Oh, yeah. That's Pappy's body. Cousin Mel did the embalming in here, and I think she forgot to add something. Jake: Well... that's a disturbing revelation. Amy: Hey. What's going on? Rosa: I'm helping Holt pick a dating site. Holt: Oh, this looks good. PhDs only. Rosa: Uh, actually in this context, PHD stands for Pretty Huge [bleep]. Holt: Oh, my. I can only assume that MDs only stands for Medium [bleep]. Amy: Rosa, can I talk to you for a second? What the hell are you doing? Why are you trying to get Holt and Kevin to break up? Rosa: I'm trying to get Holt and Kevin back together. He and Kevin are perfect for each other. He just needs to realize that. Once he sees what other trash is out there, he's gonna go running straight back into Kevin's arms, just like in a Nancy Meyers movie. Amy: So you still love Nancy Meyers? Rosa: I will never turn my back on Nancy Meyers. Amy: Okay. I'm in. Let operation "Lucky Number Kevin" begin. Rosa: I'm out. Amy: No, no, no. We don't have to call it that. Charles: Okay, then I'll think I'll finish up by saying Pappy Boyle was the best hugger. Which is surprising because he lost his hand in the subway. But he always said, "You don't hug with your hands, "you hug with your heart. And your groin." He got that groin involved. Terry: Uh, a lot of groin talk for a eulogy. Jake: Everyone, there's something you need to see in the barn. The game... is afoot. Pappy Boyle was ninety three . Who would've suspected that his death stemmed from anything other than the cruel embrace of Father Time? To suggest as much might get someone labeled a crackpot, a kook, someone that's "bored with their suspension." Terry: Can you cut the "Harriet The Spy" windup? It stinks in here. Jake: What you're smelling, Terry, is duplicity and deceit. Sam: I think it's actually Pappy's organs. Jake: Sam, you're kind of messing with my flow right now. Point is, I was examining the body, and I found something. Classic ulceration and desquamation of the mouth. Telltale signs of poisoning. [gasps] In other words... [Southern accent] What we have ourselves here is a good ol' fashioned m*rder... All: Oh, no. - [all crying] Jake: Of a man who you all loved dearly. I shouldn't have done the "Knives Out" accent. All right. A man has been poisoned, his will is missing, and there's only one person who stands to profit. Lyndon Boyle. Charles; Lyndon's not a k*ller. Sam: I mean, he did skip a Boyle family Zoom last summer. Charles: Yeah, it's true. It's seven hours out of your day. How hard is that to fit in? Jake: Okay, let's set up an interrogation room. I wanna make this guy as uncomfortable as possible. [chair creaking] Jake: I thought we were going for uncomfortable. What's with the rocking chair? Charles: It's a farm. All the chairs are rockers. But don't worry, I under-steeped the tea. Lyndon: Ugh. It's so weak. Why am I being treated like a criminal? Jake: Okay. I stand corrected. We'd like to ask you a few questions. Tell us about your last contact with your father. Lyndon: Pappy? Well, I saw him at his birthday party. Jake: Mm-hmm. And was there anything unusual about that night? Lyndon: Nothing unusual at all. We ate a pig from snout to anus, and then took turns giving each other head massages. I was tired. So I found Pappy, wished him a happy birthday. We hugged for six minutes. It was the last time I saw him alive. [whimpering] Charles: Did you see those tears? No way he did it. Jake: Are you serious? Anyone can fake cry. You just have to think of something sad. Like that episode of "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" when Leonardo was in a coma. Charles: And that works? Jake: Yeah. Yeah, it does. Now, come on. Let's go poke some holes in Lyndon's story. Tommy: It was such a great party. Everyone had the best time. I mean, except for Lyndon. Jake: Lyndon wasn't happy? Tommy: Yeah, it was strange. He was passing through the living room. I asked him if he wanted a little HJ. But he just ignored me. I mean, who doesn't want an HJ from their cousin? Terry: Hold up. An HJ? Tommy: A head job. A massage. Isn't that what everyone calls it? Charles; You bet. Terry: Absolutely not. Jake: Okay, so why was Lyndon angry? Mel: I bet it was whatever Pappy said to him. Jake: Wait. What Pappy said when? Mel: When they were in Pappy's study. We heard raised voices. - And then Lyndon said... - Good night. Walked out of the room, and closed the door behind him. Jake: That's all he said? Good night? Gentlemen... I just solved this case. Rosa: Sir, if you wanna get a date off of these sites, you're gonna have to give me a little more from your profile photo. Holt; I just gave you a series of eight poses, each increasing in sexual provocativeness by one-eighth. If you wanted septiles or deciles of sexiness, you should've told me. Amy: [groaning] Holt; What? Why do you care so much, Santiago? I thought you didn't like the idea of me dating. Amy: Yes, initially. But then I thought about your metaphor about how relationships are like a chess match. Holt: Mm-hmm. Amy: And it really convinced me. Holt: That was a strong observation. Amy: So why don't you think of this profile photo as an epic chess move? Holt: Like Vladimirov's Thunderbolt of 1987 . Close the door, Diaz. I'm removing my collar stays. Lyndon: Why am I back here? Like I told you, it was a typical night. Jake: Right. Cousin kissing circle, everyone gets burped after dinner... Normal stuff. But let's talk about what happened after the burping, shall we? Lyndon: What are you getting at? What exactly do you think happened that night? Jake: I'm so glad you asked. I think Pappy called you into his study and told you he was cutting you out of his will. Tempers flared. Voices were raised. Lyndon: What? Jake: You were furious you wouldn't be inheriting the farm. Lyndon: I don't even want the farm. I've always been more of a city boy. I live in Poughkeepsie. Jake: Well, I guess that settles it. [chuckles] - Except you didn't say I love you. Lyndon: Excuse me? Jake: When you left, you said "good night." You didn't say "I love you." Now, you may be a black sheep, but you're still a Boyle. And a Boyle always says "I love you." Lyndon: Not always. Jake: Look around you. It's written everywhere. - _ - [dramatic music] Lyndon: Okay, fine. We were fighting. But not over the will. Pappy was mad at me for missing that Zoom call this summer. Charles: I mean honestly, Lyndon, what did you expect would happen? Lyndon: He said I was a disgrace to the Boyle name. So I didn't say "I love you." I just stormed out to the shed. I went to get the Grandmother Dough. Jake: The Grandmother Dough? Charles: Here it is. The original Boyle family sourdough starter, the mother of the mother dough. It's still good, but the lid on the jar has been stuck for over a hundred years. Sam: There's an old family legend that it can only be opened by The One True Boyle. Lyndon: I wanted to show my dad that I was not a disgrace to the family. But I couldn't budge it. Maybe he was right. Jake: Oh, Lyndon. What a tale. But I don't think that's why you came in this barn at all. I think you came in here for this. Terry: Is that nutria poison? Charles: It's rat poison. Nutria are pets. You psychopath. Jake: Ah. Nitrobenzene. That causes the exact type of ulcers we found in Pappy Boyle's mouth. And look what we have here. A single brown hair, belonging to the m*rder. Terry, please send this off to the local police station for a DNA test. Now all we need is one of your hairs, Lyndon. Lyndon: I didn't k*ll my father. Why am I being singled out? Sam; Why not take a hair from every Boyle so Cousin Lyndon doesn't feel that way? Charles: Sure, great idea. I'll go first. Jake: I mean it's more work for the lab, but it's fine with me. Are you okay with that, Lyndon? Oh, wow. Went with a nose hair. Didn't see that coming. But it's definitely long enough. - [chuckles] Terry: No. Rosa: Okay, sir. This app's pretty simple. If you don't like the guy's profile, you click "dang," and if you do, you click "daaang." Holt: That sounds needlessly confusing. Rosa: Why? "dang" is bad and "daaang" is good. Holt: Okay, let's thin this herd. Untucked shirt, no thank you. Born in San Diego, yikes. An adult named Todd? So this is what online dating is like? I didn't realize. Amy: Realize how good you have it with Kevin? Holt: No, how it hasn't changed. You still have to pick someone based on looks and hope for a connection later. Oh, Lord, help me. I'm going for it. - I'm clicking "dang." Rosa: No. "Dang" is bad. Click "daaang." Holt: Why is this so confusing? How do I get Hot Todd back? Terry: DNA results are in. Jake: Ooh, and? Who did it? It was Lyndon, right? Terry: Hair is... "rodent in origin." Jake: What? Doesn't make any sense. Here, forward it to me. Terry: Must've been a nutria hair. Those things are everywhere. Ugh. Jake: Wait a minute. This is weird. According to the DNA results, everyone in the Boyle family is related except one. Terry: Lyndon? Jake: No. Charles. Charles Boyle isn't a Boyle. Terry: That DNA test has to be wrong. I mean, Charles is the most Boyle-y of all the Boyles. Jake: You know what? I'm gonna call Charles's dad, get to the bottom of this. Hey, Lynn? It's Jake. Hi. Hey, can I ask you about Charles's paternity real quick? _ All right. Thanks, Lynn. Bye. Terry: What on Earth took so long? Jake: Well, the first five hours was mostly just sobbing and gasping for air. Then he told me that Charles's mom had an affair with a rival florist. Lynn always suspected he might've been Charles's dad, but he decided he loved him so much, it didn't matter. Terry: I don't understand. Charles looks just like all the other Boyles. Jake: Apparently that's not genetic. The Boyles cuddle their children so much, it shapes their bones that way. He likened it to how they grow square watermelons. Terry: Oh, my God. We can't tell Charles. Jake: You wanna lie to our dear friend about the one thing that's most important to him in the whole world? Terry: Yes. Jake: Okay, good, me too. Now all we have to do is prove that Cousin Lyndon is the m*rder before Charles asks about the DNA results. Charles: Hi, guys. Jake: Ah. Hey, man. - Where'd you come from? Charles: I slinked up. You know how good Boyles are at slinking. It's because of our fleshy toe pads. Jake: Right. And you, Charles, have said fleshy toe pads because you are a Boyle, from snout to anus. Charles: "A Boyle from snout to anus." That is so sweet. I'm stealing that for the eulogy. Jake: Ah, you don't have to. Holt; Huh. It's the exact time we agreed to meet for our date, and he's not here. Amy: I'm sorry. I know how you value punctuality. Holt: In my employees. But in potential suitors, I don't mind one or two minutes of tardiness. I like a bad boy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go to the bathroom to wash my hands, in case we shake. Amy: Ooh. [laughs] I thought the point was for Holt to bail before he got to an actual date. Rosa: It is. But this works too. I mean, did you see the dude he matched with? He calls himself a doctor, but he's actually a chiropractor. Amy: Are we sure Holt doesn't respect chiropractors? [laughter] I'm kidding. Ooh. There's Todd. Rosa: And here's Holt. Started off strong, nice big smile. Oh, not anymore. He just noticed Todd's loafers. Amy: Oh, Todd, you fool. Holt thinks any shoes without laces are flip-flops. Rosa: Now the moment that will send Holt running toward the exit. When he asks Todd what he would like to drink, Todd orders, "Whatever you're having." Amy: Oh Todd, you fool. Have your own opinion. Wait a second. Are they gonna sit down? In a booth? Oh, no, Rosa. Todd's not the fool. We're the fools. Jake: I have eyes on the package. He's headed towards you. Terry: I'm on it. Charles; Seriously, guys, why are we doing this? We should just wait for the DNA test. Jake: We will. But the lab said it would take a week. They had to get a new tech. Charles: Oh, no. Why? Jake: The old one had a bad allergic reaction to... beakers. Ugh. Charles: Labs are full of them. That's awful. Jake: Yeah, and real. Anyways, since Lyndon is our only actual suspect, we might as well investigate. Charles: Let me ask you this. Is he gushing? Jake: Don't say those words. Charles: The pressure of keeping secrets makes Boyles stress-sweat. Once, we played Mafia, and you'd never seen so many dripping wet cousins - in one room. Jake: Come on. Terry: Wait. He's leaving the property. Jake: Can you stay with him? Terry: Yeah. I think so. I just have to get around the barn and... [yells] Jake: Terr-bear? Terry: I'm sorry. I was following Lyndon and I crawled into that thing. Charles: That thing has a name. It's Muffin. Terry: Well, thanks to Muffin, we lost Lyndon. Jake: Yes. But also thanks to Muffin, I just solved the case of who k*lled Pappy Boyle. - [radio feedback] Terry: We're right here. Jake: Yeah. I didn't think it would feed back. Amy: Oh, no, Rosa. They're leaving together. - What are we gonna do? Rosa: We stop them. Even if it means we have to k*ll Todd. Amy: Smart. Let's go. Holt: Looking for someone? Amy; Sir. Uh, what's going on? Holt: What's going on is that you were trying to manipulate me, but it is I who manipulated you. How does it feel to suckle from your own tainted teat? Rosa: Not as bad as it feels to hear you say "suckle." Amy: So you were never really going home with Todd? Holt: You actually think I would have relations with him? His watch has a cloth strap. Todd: I really thought we had something. Holt: Wake up, Todd. I'm out of your league. You thought you could meddle in my personal life, but I was ten moves ahead the whole time. And now, checkmate. Todd: Ooh. I love chess. Have you seen "The Queen's Gambit"? - It's a TV show. Holt: Todd, I swear to God. Jake: The person who k*lled Pappy wasn't a person at all. It was Muffin. - [all gasp] Jake: I checked her mouth, and Muffin had the same ulcers that Pappy had. Muffin ate the poison, and then Pappy drank her milk. Terry: Charles, you said nutria could open doors. Muffin must've let herself into the barn. Jake: Which explains why we found her hair on the box. Charles: So Lyndon was innocent. Sam: Wait, how did you know it was Muffin's hair? Did you get the DNA report back? Jake: Exactly. Charles: Wait, but I thought the report was gonna take a week because of the lab tech's allergies. Jake: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. But then they decided to use a subcontractor who was allergy-free, so let's just move on and talk about something else immediately. Charles: Three "uh-huh's"? Clearly you're lying about something. Jake: Why you being a jerk to me? Charles: Show me the report, Jake. Jake: Okay, fine. But just look at the top result 'cause that's all that matters. "Specimen hair was rodent in nature." And that's that. Charles: Oh, my God. - I'm not a Boyle. - [all gasp] Okay. I love you too, Dad. Did you guys change clothes? Terri: Yeah, Charles. It's tomorrow now. You been on the phone for 14 hours. Charles: Well, you know what they say, "Time flies when God pulls down his pants and takes a dump on your life." Jake: Oh, buddy. I'm so sorry. Charles: Being a Boyle was the backbone of my identity. Without the Boyle backbone, I'm just a bag of flesh. - I'm goo. Jake:,Come on, you're not goo. Being a Boyle is about more than blood. It's what's in your heart. Charles: Blood is what's in your heart. You're making it worse, Jake. Jake: Okay, fine. Then what about Nikolaj? He was adopted, so technically, he's not a Boyle, but that never bothered you. Charles: I didn't even think about Niko. He was already a Boyle once removed which is tough enough. Now he's twice removed? Twice-removed Boyles are a total [bleep] clown show, okay? Niko's basically Cousin Andrea. Sorry, Andrea. Andrea: I know what I am. Jake: Well, damn. Charles: Look, let's go home. Terry: We're leaving? What about the funeral? What about the eulogy? Charles: I don't feel right giving it now. Sam offered to step in. I'll have him do it. Jake: No, no, no. Wait. Assemble the cousins. Today, we learned that Pappy Boyle's death was not foul play. But even though there was no m*rder, there was a robbery. Charles had his sense of self stolen from him by Sam Boyle. - [all gasp] Jake: You said it yourself, Charles, the Boyles have a long history of cousin-on-cousin jealousy. Sam couldn't stand that you were chosen to give the eulogy. Think about it. It was Sam who made sure we knew the will was missing. Sam: We can't find Pappy's will. Jake: Then Sam again who suggested you all get your DNA tested. Sam: Why not take a hair from every Boyle? Jake: And finally, Sam who made sure we all knew the results. Sam: Did you get the DNA report back? This is ridiculous. I love Charles. Jake: Okay, well then. I'm sure you wouldn't mind giving him a hug then. Since you love him so much. Sam: Sure. I always like to hug my cousin. Charles: He's gushing! - [all gasp] Sam: Darn it. I thought these would hide it, but I gushed through my pit diapers. All right, fine. I always suspected that Charles wasn't one of us. I mean, he went through puberty at 13 , instead of 25 , like a normal Boyle. And when he got chosen to give the eulogy, something inside of me snapped. So I hid the will. I admit it. Are you happy now? Jake: Very. Charles; Not at all. Jake: Wait, what? Charles, we solved the case. - He confessed. Charles: Doesn't matter. I'm still not a Boyle. I'm just a normal person. Normal from snout to anus. [knock at door] Rosa: We wanted to apologize. Amy: And if you wanna gloat about how you outsmarted us, go ahead. We deserve it. Holt: I won't be doing any gloating. I mean, I did last night. I went home and had a drink to toast to your humiliation. But it didn't feel right, because I had no one to toast with, no one to share my glee. I had won, but I was alone. And I realized, this is exactly what I'm doing to Kevin. Trying to win therapy. And it h*t me. I care so much about winning that I've lost everything. Rosa: Tell Kevin how you feel. Amy: It's raining. You could run to him. Holt: This is the real world, Santiago. Relationships end in unsatisfying ways every day. People don't run to each other in the rain. Kevin: Raymond! Raymond Holt! Holt: Kevin? Kevin: Raymond! Raymond, am I too late? Holt: Too late? Kevin: My friend saw your dating profile and your photo without collar stays. I thought I'd lost you. Holt: You will never lose me. I'll do anything to keep you. I'll compromise on everything. The work, the... [dramatic music] ♪ Rosa: Nancy Meyers never fails. Amy: Now that we're doing it, it feels kinda weird to be staring at your friends while they kiss. Scully: Are you kidding? It's beautiful. ♪ Holt: I love you. Kevin: I love you. Charles: Okay, I'm packed. Let's go home. Jake: Charles, I'm sorry. I feel like this was all my fault. Charles: Why? Did you inseminate my mother? Jake: What? Ew, no. Charles: Don't say ew. She's my one blood relation. Remember, I'm not a real Boyle. Jake: Okay, fine. Maybe you're not a real Boyle. But what if you're a true Boyle? What if you're The One True Boyle? Charles: No, no. You want me to open the Grandmother Dough. That jar is stuck shut. Nobody's ever been able to do it. Jake: But you have to try. Terry, go grab it. All right, now let's reassemble those cousins. Charles: I'm not gonna be able to do this, and I'm gonna be even more humiliated. Jake: Just try. I believe in you. So did you loosen it? Terry: I tried, but it's slippery, and that thing is sealed on tight. I couldn't budge it. Jake: Oh, no. Uh, hey, Charles. Remember when I said that I believed in you? Charles: Yes. It's the entire reason I'm doing this. Jake: Oh. Godspeed. [grunting] [dramatic music] ♪ Charles: Ah! I did it! Becca: He's The One True Boyle. [cheers and laughter] Terry: Oh, my God. What is that stench? Charles: It's the Grandmother Dough. Terry: It smells horrible. Charles: Not to a Boyle. [sniffs deeply] Pappy's hugs were long and firm. Jake: Okay, here's what I think might've happened. You loosened the jar, but you didn't realize it because you're a Godzilla man, and you don't know your own strength. Terry: First of all, thank you for calling me a Godzilla man. Jake: Yeah. Terry: Secondly, that's not it. - The jar was too slippery. Jake: All right, how about this? Charles was so freaked out about not being a Boyle that he got an adrenaline rush, and that made him stronger. Terry: Or maybe Charles is the One True Boyle. Charles: And I know that Pappy's up there shopping for beige slacks at that Mervyn's in the sky. ALL: Ah, Mervyn's! Jake: Yeah, he's the One True Boyle.

{"type": "series", "show": "Brooklyn Nine-Nine", "episode": "08x07 - Game of Boyles"}

foreverdreaming

Terry loves waking up. Terry loves waking up. Terry... Terry: Good morning, honey, time to... [screams] What the hell are you doing? Jake: It's Holt and Amy's last day, so we're having a final heist! It's heist day! Terry: Couldn't you have just sent an email? Jake : Nope, this was the only way. I have to go alert the others. See you soon! - It's heist day, Rosa! Rosa [screams] Jake: Whoops, sorry about your milk. Gotta go! Boyle: Niko, it's time for school. Jake: It's heist day, Charles! Boyle: Where's Nikolaj? Jake: He's crying in the closet! Gotta go! Amy: Babe, what are you doing? Jake: I was hiding so I could surprise you. But if you're here, then who's in our shower? Holt: It's me, Captain Holt. It's heist day, Jake. ALL: Oh! [upbeat music] ♪ Jake: For Captain Holt and Amy's last day, I've been granted permission to throw a final non-holiday-associated heist. Holt: But before we begin, I'd like to say a few words. These last eight years have been some of the best of my life. I will always cherish our time together. But not as much as I will cherish drowning you all in your own blood. Jake: What? Holt: It's the final heist and I will chop off your limbs and feed them to your young. Now quit stalling and introduce it. Jake: That's the spirit! Now since there have never been an official two-time heist winner... Rosa: I won three times. - [all shouting at once] Boyle: One, at best! Jake: Anyhoo, the point is, all past heists will be forgotten and the only real winner that matters is this year's as they shall be crowned the Grand Champion of the Nine-Nine. Terry: I wish I could join you all, but I want everyone to know I am not playing. Rosa: Here we go again. - Oh, Terry. Terry: It's true. I have my interview to be the captain of the Nine-Nine this afternoon. Rosa: We've all seen this movie before. You pretend not to play and then at some key moment you come Kool-Aid Manning through a brick wall - and win the whole thing. Terry: I can't run through walls. I am a normal human person. Jake: You do have the Kool-Aid Man's exact physique and personality. But he's not lying, Terry will not be heisting. I had him get a notarized letter that says he legally cannot win. Amy: You cheated on me with another notary? Jake: I mean, you're making it sound more intimate than it was. - He just embossed something. Amy: Just embossed? What else are you gonna tell me? Did you just put your thumbprint in his log book? Jake: Both of them. Amy: Oh, my God. Jake: You know what? We'll talk about this later. Moving on. The six of us will vie for the crown. Hitchcock: You mean seven. You forgot about me. Jake: You're not a part of this, Hitchcock. - You're in Brazil. Hitchcock: Or am I? Come and find out. Boyle: Stop trying to trick us into visiting you in South America. Hitchcock: I'm kind of the biggest ball in the sack here. Jake: Yeah, I'm pretty sure the locals wouldn't agree with that. Okay! We're gonna start off in teams. I'm sure everyone could use the extra help since this year's heist was so spur of the moment and no one had time to plan anything too complicated. _ This year's plan is insanely complicated. Check it out. We will be selecting our partners with the help of a beloved Nine-Nine fixture, the big bag of loose teeth. Rosa: What the hell? Amy; Are those human? Jake: It's evidence from a century of bar brawls. The story of New York is in this bag. Terry: The story of New York is gross. Jake: Yeah, Terry, we live in a hell-mouth. Now, in this bag is a tooth with each of your initials on it. Who wants to root around inside and pick a partner? Rosa: I'm not putting my hand in a bag of dirty, old teeth. Jake: It's not dirt, it's old blood and dried phlegm. Who's in? No one? Are you really all that squeamish? - _ - JAKE: Of course they're all that squeamish. It's part of my plan. I'll volunteer to reach into the bag so I can rig the selection process using... this magnet. Pretty dope, right? I've also added metal fillings to certain teeth to ensure we get the pairings that we want. Holt will be playing with Norm Scully. Rosa: His name is Norm? Scully: My name is Norm? Holt: We don't have - to break into teams this year. Scully: You're lucky. Hitchcock's with me, so you're actually getting two partners. Hitchcock: Three if you include my donkey friend. Say hello to the team, Donkey Scully. Scully: He named him after me! Jake: All right! Rosa Diaz, your partner will be the lovely Amy Santiago. Holt; Diaz, want to trade? Hitchcock, Scully, and the donkey, three for one? - I'll even throw in Cheddar. Rosa: Why? - So he can spy on me? Holt: Oh, please. Cheddar's not a spy. Abort, she's onto us. Jake: So Cheddar has an earpiece? Boyle: Wait, if Terry's out, that means... Jake: Oh, yeah. It's you and me, buddy. Amy: But I don't get it. Why don't you want us to be on the same team? Jake: Because, Amy, no one can know - that we're working together. Amy: Smart. And Charles will never be suspicious because he'll be so excited to be your teammate. Jake: Yeah, that sweet little dumbass. For the final heist, we will all be competing for this. Holt: Is that my medal of valor from the very first heist? Jake: It is modeled after it, yes, but this far more meaningful. Holt: I got mine for saving the life of Maya Angelou. Jake: Boring! This one says Grand Champion on it and it's made out of golt, a non-gold alloy that should not be handled by women who are pregnant or nursing. Yours is garbage. And this golden vessel is from the precinct's old pneumatic tube system. It's been outfitted with a time-release lock set for midnight. Whoever has the medal at that time will be the winner. ♪ [pneumatic tube whooshing] Jake: Now, let the Last Day Heist begin. Amy: It's an amazing plan, babe. Jake: Thank you very much. And everyone's gonna be so shocked when they find out the big surprise: that I'm leaving the Nine-Nine. Amy: What did you just say? Jake: Yeah. Amy: What do you mean you're leaving? Jake: I mean, that's what I want to do. - But only if you agree. Amy: I don't understand. Jake: Well, for weeks we've been trying to figure out how you can do your new job and still have us be there for Mac as much as we want. And I really think this is it. Amy: Yeah, but we have other options. Jake: Yeah. But I think this is the best one. Look, you know I was scared about having kids 'cause I didn't want to be like my dad. But if I do this, I have a chance to be the exact opposite. And I don't want Mac to ever feel the way I felt growing up. Amy: And I get that, I really do. But you love being a detective. Jake: I know. It's all I ever wanted to be. Until now. Now, all I care about is what's best for our family. And Ames, this is it. I mean, you've earned this incredible opportunity. You can't do it halfway, it's too important. And Mac's my little buddy. I want to be at home with him. Amy: Are you sure? Because we could figure something else out. You know I would do anything for you. Jake: I would do anything for you too. Amy: Will you run that half-marathon? Jake: I'm never running the half-marathon, Amy. You gotta stop asking. Amy: You really think you'll be happy? I don't want you to give up your dream job just for me. Jake: I have a new dream job now. Trust me, I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it. I love you. Amy: I love you too. [tender music] ♪ Jake: So... - we're good? Amy: Yeah, we're good. Jake; Oh, thank God, I spent so much money on this plan. Amy: How much money, Jake? Jake: I mean, not an insane amount. Mac definitely has to go to state college now, but the important thing is we're on the same page. - Let me tell you about the plan. Amy: No. Jake: So the heist is actually going to be - the perfect goodbye. Amy: What does that mean? Jake: Drama, glamor, shocking twists and turns. And the whole heist ends up with everyone - at the Brooklyn Bridge. Amy: Is that meaningful? Have we ever been there together as a squad? Jake: Uh, yeah. [theme music] I'm not sure why we all looked so intense, - we were just getting falafel. Amy: I mean, that falafel stand is really good. Jake: True that, yeah. Anyways, once everyone arrives there's gonna be a huge fireworks display. Amy: Uh-uh, no. Remember when you almost blew off your thumb with that M- 80 ? - No fireworks. Jake: Okay, fine! But luckily I have a surprise guest lined up. I reached out to Bruce Willis's people and they said that he would, quote, "Not engage with something like that." So, I think it's gonna work out. Amy: 'Kay, but why are we on different teams? Jake: Because in order for this to work, we absolutely have to win the first leg of the heist. It doubles our chances. Amy: Got it, so basically we just have to keep Holt from getting that tube. Jake: Yes, indeed. I just realized we haven't been alone without Mac - for like three months. Amy: Desk? Jake: Yep, let's do it. Amy: All right. - _ Holt: Enough talk. I'm getting that tube. - Where'd it go? Terry: That tube has been whisked off to a secret location which only I know. And since I'm not competing, I've agreed to help out. I designed the first part of the heist to be a scavenger hunt through memorable moments from the last eight years. It's a trip down memory lane. Scully: Not a problem. I have the memory of a... the thing with the big nose and ears. Boyle: Prince Charles. Jake: No. Terry: I hid five clues, each leading to the next. And the last one gets you the tube. The first clue is under your chairs. Amy: "Our fallen colleague missing still..." Holt; "His replacement fits the bill..." Jake: I can think of one colleague who literally fell. We all watched it happen and then we ate his sweet candy insides. Boyle: The vending machine! Is one theory, probably incorrect. Jake: Damn it, Charles. Silent epiphany! Scully: It's a new machine. It's beautiful! Holt: "His replacement fits the bill." Amy: The slots aren't labeled. How do we know what to press? Holt: Well, a vending machine code is usually a letter followed by a double-digit number. Jeffords is being sentimental. Rosa [screams] - [glass shatters] Jake: Holy [bleep]. Rosa: Got it. Holt: For the record, it was gonna be B-nine-nine. Rosa: Nobody cares. My thing was better. "When a fellow needs a friend, it's what's on the inside that counts." Amy "Fellow needs," like felonies. Jake: "On the inside," like jail. Boyle: Your cannibal friend. Jake: Charles, I highly doubt... - it's definitely that! Go! Caleb: For the record, I'm not a cannibal anymore. My new passion is needlepoint embroidery. Look at these. Two parrots in love. A turtle with a monocle and a top hat. Jake: Wow, it's so intricate. How do you... Caleb: Ahh! Jake: Oh, no, no! Caleb: Okay, you got me. I was gonna eat you. That's still my thing. It's even affected my needlepoint. Look at this. Liver. A heart. Butt. An arm. Mmm. Oh, and there's this one that your delicious-looking lieutenant asked me to do. Jake: The third clue. "Where the devil lies, you'll find your prize." Holt: Well... [chuckles] I know where the devil lies. - Wuntch's grave. Rosa: Wow. Did Terry put up a balloon arch - just for the heist? Holt: No, that was me. I come every week to install a fresh one. But enough chit-chat. Let's dig her up. Amy: I don't think we wanna do that. Holt: Why, are you scared of what she'd look like? She's just a corpse with worms for eyes, no different than when she was alive. Boyle: Found it. Here. "Don't tell me where the next clue is hidden, tell me why." Amy "Tell me why." From that time Jake made the perp sing that song. Jake: Wait a minute, you guys know about that? Were any of you actually there? Rosa: You've told us the story many times. Holt: And tried to recreate the moment on several occasions. ALL: ♪ Working at the car wash ♪ Jake: No, number two and five, you're off key. Number three, you're coming in way too early. I mean, what are we even doing here, guys? So which one do you think k*lled your family? Yeah, I got to stop trying to recapture the magic of the original and move on. Anyways, back to the eighth annual heist. ♪ Oh, no! Janitor Dan is erasing the clue! ALL: No! Stop! Stop! Janitor Dan: You're welcome. Jake: Damn it. I love that guy, he's so nice. Ruined the whole heist and we can't even be mad at him. Amy: Yeah, we gotta call Terry. Jake: Already on it. It's going straight to voicemail. No problem, I actually installed malware on his phone in case he started heisting. I have access to his microphone and speaker. Deputy chief Williams: So, Lieutenant Jeffords, can you handle the increased responsibility of being a captain? Terry: I'm glad you asked. I'm very responsible. Jake; Terry! Terry! Terry, it's Jake and the squad calling from your butt. Terry, Terry, Terry! Deputy chief Williams: I'm sorry, what's happening? Terry: I didn't hear anything. Jake: Terry, answer your butt. Answer your butt. Answer your butt. Don't ignore your butt, Terry! Terry, come on, it'll just take a second. We just need the final clue. Terry: A perfect world, a time of bliss, - a loving and inspiring kiss. Jake: We can't hear you. Please speak directly into your butt. Terry: A perfect world, a time of bliss, a loving and inspiring kiss. Jake: Wonderful! Thank you, Terry, that is all. Boyle: "A loving and inspiring kiss." That's gotta be Jake and Amy. And we know it's not the last couple years because they've basically stopped kissing in front of us. Jake: All right. Wait a minute! "A Perfect World" is a movie with Kevin Costner, or should I say Kevin Cozner. It's a kiss between Holt and Kevin. Rosa: The one that brought them back together. - Out front in the rain! Jake: Ooh! Rosa: Well, looks like it's gonna be - a sprint out of the elevator. Holt: This is unfortunate. I didn't want to have to reveal it this early. Jake: Reveal what this early? Holt: My most precious secret. My tattoo! Jake: [gasps] What am I looking at? Is that what I think it is? Kevin's human head on Cheddar's dog body? Holt: I asked for a tattoo of Kevin and Cheddar. I don't know why he combined them. Jake: It's... it's... Holt: It's the ultimate distraction. All: No, wait, wait! Sorry, but you're too late. The tube is mine. Wait, it's empty. Where'd it go? Gina: You looking for this? Surprise reveal. ALL: Gina? [evil laughter] Gina: Well, well, well. You thought you could have a final heist without me? Jake: I texted you about it like fifty times. Gina: Yeah, but, Jake, I'm important now. So if you want to reach me, you should call into "Watch What Happens Live." Andy Cohen always knows where I am, okay? Anyhoo, I'm gonna keep this safe by driving it around in this hot little mama. Jake: You rented an armored truck? Gina: No, I bought it. It felt like it was great for the heist and it's also just such a wonderful way to flex on you guys how rich I am now. I'm all about Salmons. Salmon. You don't know about the $ 10 ,000 bill that has a picture of Salmon P. Chase on it? He's like... It's sad you were unaware of that. Oh, my gosh, this is embarrassing for all you broke bums. Okay. You're gonna regret the day you fired me. Holt: You left of your own volition! We each spent meaningful time with you! We were incredibly supportive! Terry: Thank you for considering me. Again, I'm sorry about that interruption. - I know the heist seems crazy. Chief deputy Williams: No, no, no. In a difficult job, it's vital to give people a chance to blow off some steam. - That's just good leadership. Terry: Wow! I was sure you'd be angry. I figured this interview was over. What? There's a price tag on this chair. Chief deputy Williams: Oh, well, I must have forgotten to take it off. It's a recent purchase. You should know, Jeffords, I want to keep you here. Terry: You want to keep me here? Chief deputy Williams: Yes, at the NYPD. Terry: Hmm. Wait a minute. There's no light bulb in this lamp. This computer isn't even plugged in. And there is no light coming from this window. Son of a bitch! This is a fake office. It's all part of the heist! Amy: Oh, Jake, what do we do now? Jake: Obviously, our plans have changed a little, but the perfect goodbye is still in our sights. Our objective is the same. Get that tube from Gina before Holt does. Amy: How do we break into an armored truck? Rosa: What are you two doing? Amy: Oh, sorry, Mac's done with daycare so we had the babysitter bring him by so we could say hi. 'Cause we're gonna be home late tonight, so... Jake: Yeah, just trying to strike that heist-life balance. Isn't that right, little Mac-a-docious? - Isn't that right, Mac-a-roonie? Amy: Yeah. Rosa: Ugh. Jake: Yeah! Rosa: Well, when you're done, come find me. - We gotta talk strategy. Jake: Got it. I can't believe she fell for it. Tiffany: So, I don't understand, you guys are paying me to babysit a fake baby? Jake: Yeah, we're just hoping people think it's real. Tiffany: Oh, cool. You think it's working? Jake: I do not. Amy: Okay, so this truck is a fortress on wheels and we are not getting in there without an intricate plan. Rosa: I was just gonna jump on it as it drives by. Amy: Yeah, okay. Rosa: Dope. [exciting music] Amy: Here she comes. Rosa: Copy. ♪ Amy: That was crazy! Now how are you gonna get in? Right, every woman should own an axe. [brakes screech] What the hell just happened? _ Boyle: So, here's the plan. I latch on to the bottom of the truck and unbolt the emergency exit hatch while it's still moving. Oh, but that's impossible. - Unless you finally did it? Jake: I did. I bought us magnet suits! Check it out. - [metallic thud] Boyle: No! Jake: Ha-ha! Boyle: So sweet. Jake: I got it off Ukrainian Etsy. They sell arts and crafts and tactical gear. It's a weird site. Boyle: So we stick to the bottom of the truck. It's brilliant. But how do we get on? Jake: Through a manhole outside the precinct. We just have to get Gina to stop right on top of it. Boyle: She might stop for a pedestrian. If we could figure out someone who is willing to step in front of a moving truck. Jake: Lucky for us, we know someone will do anything for money. - [claps] Bill: Hey, guys. Boyle: Hey, Bill. Rough year? Bill: Yeah, the pandemic - was really hard on my industry. Boyle: Which is? Bill: Nursing home seductions. Bill: Oh, my God. Jake: Well, like I say every heist: that's enough, Bill. [brakes screech] Boyle: Damn it, Gina. Boyle: She drove off. Are you okay? Jake: I'm good, I just gotta start getting these bolts off. Gina: Stupid Rosa. Thinks she can jump on my truck like Salt from the movie "Salt." [phone chiming] Jake: What the hell? We're stopping. Why are we stopping? _ Holt: Time to talk strategy. Let's be honest, we're not young men. Scully: Speak for yourself. My doctor said I'm in my twilight years. Holt: That means you're close to death. Scully; But it has such a pretty name. Holt: We're not gonna force our way into an armored vehicle. We'll need to use our brains. In the end, Gina will just hand me the keys to that truck. - [knocking on window] Gina: You. Holt: Unusual activity on your socials? Gina: You hacked me. Holt: I gave control of your entire social media portfolio to Hitchcock and Scully. Gina: And you told them to embarrass me? Holt: Worse, I told them to just be themselves. Gina: My God, I've agreed to host an Instagram Live for Outback Steakhouse. Holt: They're inside the precinct, if you want to go stop them. Gina: You're a monster. ♪ Jake: Hey there, Ray-Ray. Holt: Nice outfit, Peralta. It's very attractive. I'm making a pun. I know that's a magnet suit - because I sold it to you. Jake: You're Kazimir? _ Holt: And unfortunately for you, I have a remote that can active your vest and prevent you from controlling it. Jake: No, no, no! _ Holt: You stick around, okay? [groans] "Stick around" was another magnet pun. Jake: Yeah, I get it was a pun! Boyle: Jake, there you are. Jake: No, no, don't come in here! Yeah, the magnet suits have a couple of drawbacks. Boyle: They look cool, though. Jake: They look so cool! Probably still worth it. Rosa: I lost the tube. Can't even stand on top of a fast-moving truck that suddenly slams on its brakes. What's wrong with you, Rosa? Amy: It's okay. Here, check this out. I've been spying on Holt for over a month. He brought a drone which he's using to take the tube to the Bark Hyatt Doggy Daycare where it will be retrieved by none other than Cheddar the dog, who will take it to a secret hiding place. We could grab it, but the Bark Hyatt play area - has live feed webcams. Rosa: Holt will see if someone goes for the tube. Amy: Not if that someone is a dog. Rosa: I'm not dressing up like a dog. Bill: I'll do it. - [screams] Amy: Oh, my God! Bill: I was eavesdropping and when the dog thing came up, I said, - "Bill, this is your moment." Amy: That's okay, Bill. I already have someone on in the inside. Meet Biscuit, the dog I adopted for the heist. Rosa: Don't you have horrible allergies? Amy; Or was that just a long con I perpetrated - to win this heist? Rosa: I don't think so. Amy: You're right. I am covered in hives. Anyway, Biscuit is also enrolled at the Bark Hyatt where he's been trained to steal the tube right from under Cheddar's wet little nose. Then we visit Biscuit - and get the tube. Rosa: Nice work. I almost feel bad that I have to betray you. Amy: What? Then don't! Terry : You made me meet with a fake person just so you could trick me into sitting out the heist? That interview was important! It's my sh*t to become captain! I bought fancy new suspenders for this, with gold thread! I can't return them because I've already stretched them out with my pecs. - They've been pec-stretched! Holt; Slow down. Edward Williams is not a fake. Terry: Then why was he in a fake office? Holt: Oh, Terry, he just relocated to make room for the new reform unit on the sixth floor. - It's a temporary space. Terry: Ooh. Holt: Lieutenant. What did you do? Terry: I may've gotten a little... heisty. I'm supposed to believe this is your family and not the picture that came with the frame? - [glass shatters] Terry; Oh, and this is a real award? Kapow! Holt: We have to go fix this. Your career is more important than a game. Scully, you're in charge of the heist until I get back. - Keep an eye on that tube. Scully: Yes! Hitchcock, this is our chance to show everyone what we're made of... Oh, it's you. Donkey Scully, go find Hitchcock. Amy: The hell? I'm stuck. Rosa: Yeah, I rigged it. That's what you get for being a nerd who wears seatbelts. Cool people die gruesome, preventable deaths. Oh, here's my ride. ♪ Adrian: Pimento's here. Amy: Hi, Pimento. Adrian: Amy, it has been too long. When are you gonna let me meet my godson? Amy: He's not your godson Adrian: Okay, but when you die, - I am going to raise him. Rosa: All right, let's go. Adrian: Yeah. I gotta drop you off and then I have a plane to catch. Rosa: What, where are you going? Adrian: Ugh. I took this job protecting a diamond mine in Northern Canada that's being terrorized by a pack of wolves? Apparently it's "illegal to sh**t them" so I have to tear them apart limb from limb. Rosa: How long you going for? Adrian: As long as it takes me to find the alpha, k*ll it, take control of the pack, and then completely decimate the diamond mine. [laughs] Total double cross. All right, let's ride! - BOTH: Bye, Amy. Amy: No, wait. Rosa, no, no, you can't leave me here! This wasn't part of the plan! Or was this exactly the plan? Jake: It's all part of the perfect goodbye. Everyone should think they have the winning tube, but then at midnight when the time locks release, they'll realize they actually just have a sentimental gift from me. Look what I got Holt. It's the first tie I bought after he started making me wear them. And I'm getting Rosa a travel board game so she knows that we're gonna keep doing game night even though - the Nine-Nine's breaking apart. Amy: Aww. Jake: And I'm also getting everyone AirPods. Amy: Hmm, I'd lose those. Feels like it cheapens the sentiment. Plus, everyone already has headphones. Jake: Okay, fine, no AirPods. So, in order for this to work, we have to get to the golden tube before Holt does and swap it out for the one with the tie inside. Hey there, Ray-Ray. Then with Rosa believing that Holt has the real one, you just need to come up with a fake heist and then find a way to slip her the dummy tube. Amy: It went perfectly. Jake: Same here, sort of. We came back to change 'cause we had to ditch our magnet suits in the armored car. It was fine for me. Charles went commando for some reason. Anyway, he's getting dressed now. We just have to figure out a way to slip him his gift and then we're all set. The perfect goodbye is so close I can taste it. Bill; Yum, yum, yum. Jake: Gah! Bill, you can't sneak up on people like that. I gotta go. Boyle: Jake! Jake: Hey. What's up, you okay? Boyle: Are you quitting the Nine-Nine? Jake: What? Why would you... Boyle: I found this letter of resignation in your locker. Were you not gonna tell me? Does our friendship mean nothing to you? Jake: Charles, I can explain. Boyle: Don't bother. Jake:Wait, no, wait, Charles, wait a second. Charles, come back. [sighs] Bill: Seems like someone's in the market - for a new best friend. Jake: Bill, I swear to God. Bill: We look exactly the same. Jake: Guh, okay.

{"type": "series", "show": "Brooklyn Nine-Nine", "episode": "08x09 - The Last Day (1)"}

foreverdreaming

Previously on "Brooklyn Nine-Nine"... Jake: For Captain Holt and Amy's last day, I've been granted permission to throw a final non-holiday-associated heist. The heist is actually going to be... the perfect goodbye. Amy: What does that mean? Jake; That I'm leaving the Nine-Nine. It's a trip through memorable moments from the last eight years. Drama, glamor, shocking twists and turns. The perfect goodbye is so close, I can taste it. Boyle: Jake! Jake: What's up? You okay? Boyle: Are you quitting the Nine-Nine? Jake: What? Boyle: I found this letter of resignation in your locker. Jake: Charles, I can explain. Boyle: Don't bother. Jake: Wait, no, wait. Charles, wait a second. Bill: Seems like someone's in the market for a new best friend. Jake: Bill, I swear to God. [upbeat music] ♪ Jake: Amy, Amy, we've got a problem. Charles found out I was leaving somehow and he got so upset that he ran away. I don't know where he went and he's not answering his phone. Amy: Don't you have a tracker implanted - in his brain or something? Jake: Amy, I would never do that. It's a serious medical procedure. Which is why I had a doctor do it eight years ago when they were operating on the b*llet wounds in Charles' butt. Amy: Smart, stick it in his butt holes. Jake: Oh, I was expecting more judgment from you. And definitely a different phrasing. Anyways, I think that the magnet suit must've fried the tracker so we gotta figure out a different way to find him. Amy: Well, don't ask me, he's your best friend! Jake: Yes, he is my best friend! I know exactly where he is. Here. Guard this with your life. I'll be right back. Terry: Sir, I've made a terrible mistake. I am sorry about your pictures and your award and your computer... Deputy chief Williams: And yelling that I was wearing a wig and then trying to tear out my actual hair? Terry; No, that was a compliment! It's so thick and full - for a man of your age. Williams: What? Holt; Let me handle this. The truth is, Lieutenant Jeffords acted like an irresponsible, - insane madman. Terry: What? Williams: Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Holt: But looking at this incident from a different angle, it shows why he'll make a great captain. He's here before you owning his mistake. When I started at the Nine-Nine, I felt I had to be seen as infallible. But he taught me the importance of being seen as human. He made me a better leader. And you would be a fool not to make him a captain. Terry: Terry's touched. Williams: Yes, powerful words. As are these: - happy heisting, suckas! - BOTH: What? Williams: Oh, you were right, this was a wig. Ow. BOTH: No! Rosa: Hey, can I talk to you? I have a question. Amy: Is it will I ever forgive you for betraying me and abandoning me in a car? Rosa: No, I have no questions about that interaction. It was funny and I'm pleased with how it played out. This isn't about the heist. What did you think about, um, me and Pimento as a couple? Amy: Oh, uh, I don't know. You guys always made me a little uncomfortable. There weren't a lot of boundaries. Rosa: Is this about that time we smashed in your car? Amy: You did? Which car? Rosa: All of them. And once in your dad's Miata. My point is, when Adrian and I broke up, something felt off. I think it's 'cause I wasn't out yet so I couldn't really be myself with anyone. But I don't know, I always thought we would end up together. And now he's going away and... - ugh, this is stupid. Amy: It's not stupid. You gotta tell him how you feel. Rosa: He's already at the airport and he doesn't own a phone. - I'll never make it in time. Gina: Yes, you will! Another surprise reveal. Amy; I mean, we knew you were around. Rosa: I watched you enter. Gina; Nope, you were both shocked. Come on, I'll give you a ride to the airport. Rosa: I mean, that's nice but traffic. Gina: Oh, sweet Rosa. There's no such thing as traffic when you're driving in an armored truck. Rosa: Okay, let's do this. Gina: I already have my keys. Ooh, yet another surprise reveal. ♪ Jake: Hey, bud. Boyle: How'd you know where I was? Jake;,Because this is where you had to be because this is where it happened. Jake: Hey. Boyle: Hey. Jake: Sorry to drag you in on the weekend. Boyle: Oh, it's fine, I don't mind spending a few hours with my best friend. I shouldn't have said that. - It was too soon. Jake; No. Charles, you're my best friend too. Hey, guys. - I found another leg! Jake: Oh, how gross! I forgot that we wore those fashion scarves for like a month that year. Boyle: I still think they worked. Jake: No. Boyle: Oh, Jake, I can't believe you're leaving. I mean, it's not the Nine-Nine without you. Jake: I know, but Rosa's already gone and Holt and Amy are moving on too. Boyle; Is that why you're doing this? To fit in with that crowd? Jake; Charles, I just want to be there for Mac. Boyle: I get that, but this whole thing is just taking me by surprise. I don't know if I can come in to work - and do this job without you. Jake: Are you kidding me? I mean, maybe the you of nine years ago couldn't handle it, but you're not that person anymore. You used to live in your ex-wife's husband's basement and date 75 -year-olds and now you've got your own house and Genevieve and Nikolaj. Boyle: Nikolaj. Jake: Nikolaj. Boyle: Nikolaj. Jake: Nikolaj. Boyle: Nikolaj. Jake: Why don't you - just call him Nick? Boyle: Nik. Jake: All right, now you're ruining the moment. Boyle: Copy that. Jake: Look, whether we work together or not, we're always gonna be - best friends and partners. Boyle: Right. - Life partners. Jake: Best friends. And the only reason I didn't tell you sooner is because I wanted it to be a surprise that the whole heist's actually a setup so that I can throw the perfect goodbye. Boyle: I love that! Jake: The plan was lure everyone to the Brooklyn Bridge and give you all gifts. - So, here's yours. Boyle: Oh! Jake: The dummy tubes just unscrew. Boyle: Okay. The most recent issue of "Fancy Brudgom" magazine? Jake: You know how you always wanted them to do a Fancy Bedste Venner feature on us? Boyle: Yeah, but that's just for the fanciest best friends. Jake: Turn to page 63 . Boyle: Oh, my God, you didn't. You did! We're Fancy Bedste Venners! Jake: We're Fancy Bedste Venners! BOTH: We're Fancy Bedste Venners! Jake; Hey, great news, the perfect goodbye is back on and we have a new teammate. Amy: Really? What even is "our team?" Because I know you gave me a dummy tube. Jake: Ah, and did you find what was inside of it? Amy; Yeah, an egg. Jake; And do you know - why I gave you an egg? Amy: Cause eggs suck and you're still mad about that one time - I b*at you at Mario Kart? Jake: It was beginner's luck! Just... open it. Amy: A necklace with a little binder on it? Jake: It has three tiny tabs. One for me, one for you, and one for Mac. Amy: Aw! It really bothers me that they're not alphabetical but I assume that it's functional - and I can correct them? Jake; It is and you can. Amy: Then I love it and I'll treasure it forever. Now tell me where the real tube is, you bastard! Jake: I'm sorry, Ames, but I can't do that. You've done your part. Now, it's time to sit back - and enjoy the rest of the show. Amy; You're cutting me out? This is about you wanting fireworks, isn't it? Jake: Oh, Amy, it's about so much more than that. It's one million percent - just about the fireworks. Boyle: Those look very dangerous. Jake: No, it'll be fine. We're not gonna be anywhere near when it goes off. You control the whole thing from your phone. Boyle; How do you know when it's armed? Jake: The red light starts blinking. Boyle: Like that one? Jake: Uh-oh, uh, uh... you know what? This is okay, this is okay. I can just turn it off using the app. "Set up your profile first?" Why? How many times am I gonna use a fireworks app? Boyle: It started counting down! Jake: Name, email. "Select the squares with stop signs in them?" Boyle; Okay, Jake, we gotta go! Jake: Is a stop light a stop sign? Charles, is a stop light a stop sign? Boyle: I don't know, they both require full stops! - Jake, come on! Jake: All right, I'm in. No, "username already taken?" Who would want to use "Jake?" [countdown beeping] Jake: Oh, no. Amy: Oh, my God. You're awake. I can't believe it, you're actually awake. Jake: Hey. Wait a minute. What's going on? I gotta get back to the heist. Amy: No, the heist? Jake, you've been in a coma for seven years. [dramatic music] Jake: What? - [beep] Jake: What do you mean I've been in a coma? Dr Midj: A firework h*t you in the head. It caused a destabilizing brain injury. Jake: Oh, my God. - Is Charles okay? Amy: Yes. He survived the expl*si*n, but he blamed himself for what happened to you so he left New York. He's actually the sheriff of a small town in Arizona. The town is so small he also has to be the school principal. Jake: Okay, that's weird. Amy; It's actually very funny. And surprisingly heartwarming. Jake: Wait, no. No, no, no. This... this isn't really happening. I'm dreaming. And because this is a dream, I'm in control. You know who's gonna walk through that door right now? Bruce Willis. Teddy: Jake, you woke up! Jake: No! Teddy? Amy, why is your ex-boyfriend here? Teddy: Oh, you haven't told him yet, babe? Amy: Uh. Jake: Babe? He called you babe. What's going on? And: I'm sorry, I know this is a lot. Jake: No. Amy: But the last seven years have been really hard. Raising Mac on my own, never knowing if you would wake up, and Teddy was a great friend to me. And a couple years ago, - we went on a trip. Teddy: It's not her fault. We were both seduced by the city of Tampa. Jake: I can't believe this. You replaced me with Teddy? Teddy: I could never replace you, Jake. I just wanted Mac to have a father figure in his life. I come over and we watch sports. We are obsessed with college swimming. Jake: Hey, doc, can you put me back in the coma? Dr Midj: You're agitated, that's normal. Tell me how you're feeling. Pain? Jake: I mean, just the pain of learning that my wife is married to another man. Teddy: Oh, we're not married. I'm just here for Amy physically. Jake: That's worse! Dr Midj: Okay, let's do some cognitive tests. How good is your memory from before the accident? - Do you remember the fireworks? Jake: Yeah, I remember everything. I remember the whole heist, going to find Charles, the magnet suits. Amy: Do you remember where you hid the tube? Jake: Yeah, inside the fake baby. Amy: Thanks, babe. Jake : Oh, no. It's not the future, is it? Amy: No, it's only been about 40 minutes And this isn't a real hospital. Jake: You Mission: Impossibled me! Oh, I'm so happy you're not having sex with Teddy! [wheezing laugh] Holt; Damn it, we're locked in. Who are you working with, you coward? Terry: I didn't do anything. I bet this was all Santiago's plan. She's making a play for the tube. She knew you hid it at Doggy Daycare. Holt: How do you know her plan? Terry: Since I wasn't part of the heist, people were sloppy around me with their secrets. I know everything. For instance, I know the real tube is inside that creepy, fake baby doll. Holt: Why didn't you tell me this earlier? Terry: I was trying to be respectful of the heisting process, but that was before I got screwed over. Holt; Well, your intel is of no use since we're locked in here. Unless you smash your gigantic body through the wall. Terry: I am not the Kool-Aid Man! - Okay. I am more than my muscles and I can prove it. All the locks in this building have a magnetic release in case of a f*re. If we can overload the circuit, they'll unlock. We just need to connect the positive terminal of one outlet... [grunts] To the negative of the other, using this circuit board and a low-resistance wire. Luckily, I came prepared. Holt: Do suspenders conduct electricity? Oh, the gold thread! Terry: Now, we are about to overload the circuit. [electricity zapping] Holt: Bing pot. Jake: When did you have time to build all this? Amy: Oh, I had it prefabbed months ago, and I set it up while you were looking for Charles. Jake: You planted the resignation letter in my locker - so Charles would find it. Amy: Yep. And then I knew you'd wanna show off the fireworks. - The fireworks that I sold you. Jake: You're Kristaps? _ Amy: ( speaks German) Jake; Gah, I got to stop falling for that. But wait, if everything was fake, what knocked me out? [timer beeping rapidly] Oh, no. Boyle: What are you doing? Amy: I know, Charles, but there's something I have to tell you, okay? I locked Charles in a supply closet. Jake: I have but two things to say to you. One: thank you. I've always wanted to be chloroformed. And, two: how dare you? Amy: Sorry, babe. - But I play to win. Jake: Gah! That was super cool. I hate how attracted I am to you right now! Amy: That worked so well. On to phase two. Thanks for doing that, Teddy. I'm really glad that we could be friends again. Teddy: Of course. I'll always be here for you. Which is why I have a question to ask. Amy: Oh, no. Teddy: Amy Santiago, - will you marry... Amy: No! I am married to Jake. Teddy: And I'm married to Elizabeth. It's perfect. Plus, you just betrayed him. You guys are obviously having issues. Amy: No, I only betrayed him to pull off my secret plan. I am throwing him the perfect goodbye - and it has to be a surprise. Teddy: Fine. But if you think I'm just gonna sit around and wait for you change your mind... you're right. I will be parked outside for two more hours. Jake: Hello? Hello? Is there anyone here? Jake: Mlepnos? Mlepnos: No. Jake: What? Yeah. You played violin at my wedding. - You're Mlepnos! Mlepnos: No, my name is Jerry. - Jerry Barfralatistan. Jake: What? It doesn't matter. I need your help. Can you please hand me the keys that are down there? Yeah, yeah, yes. Mlepnos: Thank you, I love keys. - Oh... - And this is for you. [soft chirping] Jake: What? Mlepnos: As they say in my country, a chicky for a key. Jake: Right. And what country is that again? Mlepnos: Honolulu. Jake: Okay. You know, if it's all the same, I'd really just rather have the key. Mlepnos: You no want chicky? - I don't want key. Jake: Oh, perfect. Yes! Thank you, Mlepnos. Mlepnos: No, it's Jerry... Barkakanatsan. Jake: I feel like maybe you said it a little different the first time. There you are, my cheating my wife! - Give me the tube. Amy: I don't have it. The baby's empty. You lied to me! Jake: I'm not the liar, you're the liar. I put a tracker in the tube so I know you've hidden it somewhere in this... nope, you were telling the truth, it's on the move. Someone else has it. It doesn't matter what you do, Ames, you're not gonna ruin this for me. Amy: Sorry, Jake, but I'm afraid I have to. - You'll thank me later. Jake: Wait, what does that mean? Boyle: I know what it means! - [both shout] I heard you talking to Teddy outside the supply closet you locked me in. Amy: Damn it! How did you get out? - [soft chirping] Jake:?[gasps] Mlepnos. Boyle: Amy's throwing you the perfect goodbye. Jake: Over my d*ad butt crack, she is. Although, thank you, that was a very nice thought. Now drive! ♪ Sculls: Go, go, go! Holt: They're going for the tube. Follow them. Boyle: What are you doing, Scully? Scully: Everybody left the precinct and I was scared to be alone. Jake: Come on! Pull over, we're here! [tires screech] Jake: Okay, according to the tracker it's close. Let's just agree that we're gonna pick it up and head to the Brooklyn Bridge. Amy: Yeah, I agree. That you can suck it! We will end up at Shaw's, which is actually a meaningful final location. [tires screech, horn honks] Terry: Are we too late? Did you get the tube? Jake: No, it's somewhere in this building. Brooklyn Storage Solutions. Amy: Wait a second. Boyle: I know this place. Jake: Yes, this is where we worked our first case with Captain Holt. Holt: That's right, it's a meaningful location. Tonight is my victory lap. I planned the perfect goodbye. Jake: You have gotta be kidding me. Holt: You see, the whole heist was a ruse for the perfect goodbye I planned. Jake: I mean, it wasn't that perfect. A real perfect goodbye would've had... Holt: Sentimental gifts for everyone? Jake; Damn it! Just tell us how you did it. Holt: Everything hinged on Jeffords. I needed him to drop out of the heist so he'd have access to everyone's secrets, which is why I set up a fake interview for him. Terry: You were working with Williams? But he locked us in his office. Holt: Which was critical to me gaining your trust so you'd tell me where the tube was hidden. Terry: Terry's reeling. Holt:,Armed with that information, I texted Kevin who retrieved the tube and handed it off to a person who lured you all here and that person was a dog and that dog was Cheddar. Terry: Hold up. That big speech about how I'd make a great captain, that was all a lie? Holt: No, no, I meant every word of it. In fact, it's exactly what I said to the real Williams two weeks ago. It's part of the reason he decided to make you... the new captain of the Nine-Nine. Terry: Wait, what? Is this fake too? Y'all need to cut the [bleep] and be honest with me. This is my life we're talking about. Holt: You want to know if it's real? Open your gift and find out. Terry: A bag of fish? Holt: What? No. It's supposed to be your captain's bars. Jake: The fish are my present to Scully. They're the kind that eat the d*ad skin off your feet. Scully: Ooh, they're gonna have a feast tonight. Holt: But wait, if that's not Terry's bars, what's in the real tube? - Wireless headphones? Amy; They're AirPods. - They're my gift for everyone. Jake: What? But you told me not to get people AirPods! You said everyone already has headphones! Amy: Yeah, so you wouldn't buy them - and I would get all the glory. Scully: Wow. - Great gift, Amy. Jake: Come on! Holt: But if I don't have the winning tube, who does? Rosa: I do. Gina: Yet another surprise reveal again. Rosa: So, my plan was simple. The best way to win is to sit back, watch everyone else, and then choose your moment. But to do that, I needed people to think I was gone. Gina: It's a trick she learned from me. [lisping] During the fourth heist, universally considered the best heist. Rosa: You were so eager to think I'd drop everything and chase after Adrian. Amy: So you don't want to end up with Pimento? Rosa: No, but you believed it because you all think for someone to be happy, their story has to end with marriage and kids. Amy: I mean, I believed it because you told me and I trust you. Rosa: Whatever, breeder. Anyway, with nobody watching me, I was able to figure out what Holt was up to and then I had my other partner intercept Cheddar. Terry: Who was that? Bill: It's me, Bill. Gina: Thurprithe reveal. Rosa: So, let's crown me. The Grand Champion of the Nine-Nine. Jake: A six-month subscription to the Rosetta Stone? Holt: That's my present for Peralta. Jake: Your present to me is school? I'm glad you're leaving. All right, who has the real tube? Bill: I do. - [all shouting at once] Boyle: What are you doing, Bill? Bill: I'm sorry, but this is your fault for ending the heists. They're my only source of income. You're still my best friends. Goodbye! Jake: Bill! Boyle; He's gone, we're trapped! Caroline: Pardon me, excuse me. Did you just say we're trapped? Jake; Who the hell are you? Holt: You don't recognize Caroline Saint-Jacques Renard? The associate principal cellist for the Berlin Philharmonic? She's my surprise celebrity. Jake:?Are you kidding me? You ruined my big goodbye to the Nine-Nine so we can listen to some nerd play a giant violin? Caroline: Shall I begin? Jake: No. Terry: Wait, wait, wait, did you say your goodbye to the Nine-Nine? Where you going? Jake: Uh, well, I was hoping that this would be a more dramatic moment accompanied by fireworks but... - I'm leaving the NYPD. Holt: You are? Rosa: What? Gina: Theriouthly? Terry: For real? Jake: Yeah. Today was my last day. And now it looks like it's gonna end with all of us locked in a storage facility. Terry: No, it's not. Can't you see? You all want the same thing, a perfect goodbye. But you're all getting in each other's way. We are the Nine-Nine, and we work best together. And we're getting out of here together. So we're gonna find that tube and we're gonna be crowned Grand Champions of the Nine-Nine together! Caroline: Except for the ugly one that made fun of my cello. Terry: Not now, Caroline Saint-Jacques Renard. Holt: I agree with Jeffords. Read the room, Caroline Saint-Jacques Renard. Rosa: Great speech, Terry, but we're kind of trapped in here. Terry: Not for long. I'm gonna Kool-Aid Man us the hell out of here. Jake: I thought you said that was impossible. Terry: It's not, I just find it demeaning. It's actually very easy. Jake: Ah! [crashing] Terry: Oh, yeah! Jake: Oh, yes! Now go through that wall! Terry: I'm not doing any more walls, Jake, we're free. Jake: Fair enough, I had to ask. All right, I got Bill on the GPS. Huh, that's weird. Amy: What? Where'd he go? Holt: Are you sure he came back to the precinct? The tracker must be broken. There's no one here. Hitchcock: Wrong, Captain! I'm here. Michael Hitchcock, the Grand Champion of the Nine-Nine. Rosa: Hitchcock? Jake: Well, this doesn't feel right. Hitchcock: I bet you're all wondering how I pulled it off. Rosa:,Not really, but I guess that's the tradition. Hitchcock: The key to the whole plan was that I never really retired or moved to Brazil. I've been living in the Beaver Trap this whole time. Jake: Okay, but what was the rest of the plan? Scully: Oh, we had not come up with it. Hitchcock: But then Bill came by and offered to sell me the tube for forty bucks and I won. - Pretty good stuff. - Now, crown me. Jake: Ugh, this stinks. Okay, Michael Hitchcock, you are an amazing human/genius and the Grand Champion of the Nine-Nine. Why is your head so sweaty? Hitchcock: Oh, because that's actually butt skin from a botched hair transplant so there are more pores. Jake: I can't believe this is how it ends, with Hitchcock's sweaty butt head. Scully: I told myself I wouldn't cry. Boyle: Ah, Jake, I'm sorry you didn't get - your perfect goodbye. Jake: Yeah. This whole thing did kinda turn into a scalding hot mess. But to be honest, I think I just wanted a big dramatic moment so that I wouldn't feel sad. Because goodbyes are inherently sad. They mean that something's ending. And this one is especially sad because what we had was so great. But it's not all sad, right? We're moving on to things that we love. And we'll always have the memories of our times together, even though Hitchcock won the heist, which makes me so mad I wanna swallow my own tongue and die. Holt: It's a disgrace. Jake: Anyways, I say we hang out, have a drink, and enjoy all of us being together one last time. To the squad. ALL: To the squad. Gina: Hi You just drank cement! Terry: Why? Amy: Hey, can I talk to you for a sec? I just want you to know that I don't care if you end up with anyone or get married or whatever. I just want you to be happy. Rosa: I am happy. I'm making a difference, I've got great friends. Also, I'm moving in with my girlfriend, Debra. She is amazing. She makes me feel whole. Amy: Oh, really? Rosa: Oh, my God, this is too easy. No, I don't want to settle down. Amy: Right. I'm sorry, sorry. Rosa: It's fine. I'm just messing with you. It's crazy you're leaving. We spent a lot of time here. Amy: Yeah, we did. I'm really happy it was with you. Rosa: Same here. I love you. Amy: I love you too. [glasses clink] Terry: Hey, Boyle, I'm glad you're sticking around. I'm gonna be depending on you a lot. Boyle: You got it, Captain, for diet and exercise tips. Terry: What? No. To solve cases. My body's fine. Boyle: Nice, that's a very healthy attitude. Gina: Hey, guys, can I be real? I just took a bunch of diamonds from the evidence locker. No one ever changed the code. Anyway, toodaloo. Terry: Was she being real? Boyle; I honestly can't tell. Hitchcock: I missed you, bud. Scully:I missed you too. Hitchcock: [sniffs] Mmm. You got wing sauce on your collar. Scully; I left it there for you. Holt: So, you're leaving. That must've been a hard decision. Jake: Honestly... - It wasn't. Holt: It's funny. On my first day here, I asked Jeffords to tell me about everyone. He told me you were a great detective, but the one thing you couldn't figure out was how to grow up. Well... I think you've finally figured it out. Jake: Well, thank you, sir. I couldn't have done it without you. Holt: Over the years, you've sometimes referred to me as something of a father figure. Jake: Did I? I didn't realize that. Holt; But I want you to know if I had had a son and, uh, he had turned out like you, I would be very proud of him. Jake:,Thank you, sir. Wow. Wasn't expecting to get this emotional. Holt: It's not bad for an old robot, huh? Beep-borp. Zeep. [chuckles] Jake: Sir, did you just make a joke? Holt: I believe I did, yes. I guess in the end, we rubbed off on each other quite a bit. Title of your sex movie. Did I do that right? Jake: It was perfect. [both chuckle softly] Terry: Guys, I hate to say it, but it's late and some of us have to work tomorrow. [gentle instrumental music] ♪ [sighs] Jake: Well, I guess this is it. So long, Nine-Nine. Terry: Hey! - What are you doing? You can't turn off the lights at a working police precinct! Jake: Right, sorry. Got caught up in my own thing. - There we go. - [elevator dings] [gentle instrumental music] ♪ _ Terry: Shaheen and Dunn, you're on the Prospect Park tagger. Gates, Nahar, remember to check in with Forensics. Boyle, Larkin, I want you working the J Street Axe m*rder. Larkin: Ooh, we're the butcher bimbos. Boyle: No. Larkin: The butcher babes. Boyle: Nope. Larkin: Detective Boyle and his - little butcher buddy. Boyle: Oh, I like that. Terry: Now that that's been sorted, - are there any questions? Jake: Yes! I have a question! Captain Jeffords, are you ready for the Halloween Heist? Terry: What are you doing, Peralta? Last year was the final heist. We all agreed it was over. Jake: Ah, Terry, you jolly simpleton. That was obviously a ruse. I mean, did you really think I was gonna let Hitchcock win the last heist? I mean, that would be crazy! Hitchcock? It would've been unforgiveable. Hitchcock: That's true, it felt wrong. Holt: I know someone who's in. The old janitor, which is actually me! Deputy Commissioner Raymond Holt. Amy: And he's not the only one. I'm in too. Rosa: Me too. Gina: As am I. Gina Linetti. Jake: That's right, Terry, this is happening every year. We're in each other's lives forever, whether you like it or not. So, what do you say, Captain? Are we doing this? Terry: What I say is... Nine-Nine! ALL: Nine-Nine!

{"type": "series", "show": "Brooklyn Nine-Nine", "episode": "08x10 - The Last Day (2)"}

foreverdreaming

~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~ In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. Sunnydale High School at night. The camera pans around from the side of the building to the main entrance. Cut to a hall. The camera moves down the hall past the trophy case and at the library turns to the right down another hall. Cut to a science classroom. The camera pans low along a row of desks. Cut to the windows. The counter in front of them is full of various things. A skeleton, some vertebrae, jars of things in formaldehyde, a skull and a microscope. A fist punches through a window pane and reaches in to undo the clasp. It's a boy and a girl, sneaking into the school. Darla: Are you sure this is a good idea? Boy: It's a great idea, now come on. They crawl in. Cut to the hall. They come out of the classroom and walk down the hall. Darla: Do you go to school here? Boy: I used to. On top of the gym it's so cool. You can see the whole town. He continues down the hall, but she stops him close to the intersection. Darla: I, I, I, I don't wanna go up there. Boy: Aw, you can't wait, huh? Darla: We're just gonna get in trouble. Boy: Yeah, you can count on it. They almost kiss when Darla startles, draws a quick breath and turns her head around to look down the hall. Darla: What was that? Boy: What was what? Darla: I heard a noise. Boy: It's nothing! Darla: Uh, uh, maybe it's something. Boy: Or maybe it's some *thing*! Darla: That's not funny. He looks down the other hall. Boy: Hellooooo! (to Darla) There's nobody here. Darla: Are you sure? (looks away) Boy: Yes, I'm sure. Darla: Okay. She turns back to him all vamped out. She growls and bites him. He grunts in pain as they sink to the floor. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ Buffy's room. The camera shows a sh*t of her in bed from above. She's having the nightmares. The Master's lair, the cemetery, the Master, visions of vampires, other demons and various events and artifacts. She wakes with a start. Joyce: (off camera) Buffy? Buffy: (sitting up) I'm up, Mom! Joyce: (off camera) Don't wanna be late for your first day! Buffy: (to herself) No... Wouldn't want that. Cut to the school. The camera pans from the street to the main building. Cut to Joyce pulling up to the school in her Jeep to drop off Buffy. Joyce: Okay! Buffy gets out. Joyce: Have a good time. I know you're gonna make friends right away, just think positive. (gives a thumbs up) Buffy looks through the open car door and gives her mother a quick nod. She turns to go and closes the door behind her. Joyce: And honey? Buffy looks back at her mom again. Joyce: Try not to get kicked out? Buffy: I promise. Joyce: Okay. Buffy faces the school and lets out a deep breath. Joyce drives off. Cut to Xander, doing his usual bob and weave through the crowd on his skateboard. Xander: 'Scuse me, comin' through, pardon me, 'scuse me, whoa! 'Scuse me, not sure how to stop! Please move, whoa, 'scuse me... (notices Buffy) Whoa! He stares at her and doesn't notice that he's headed right for the stair railing. He crashes into it and falls beneath it, grunting in pain. Willow walks up and has to step high to avoid tripping over his legs. Xander: I'm Okay. I feel good. She looks down at him, smiling and pulling her hair behind her ear. Xander: (sees her) Willow! You're so very much the person that I wanted to see! (gets up) Willow: Oh, really? They start walking toward the school. Xander: Yeah. You know, I kinda had a problem with the math. Willow: Uh, which part? Xander: The math. Can you help me out tonight, pleeeease, be my study buddy? Willow: Well, what's in it for me? Xander: A shiny nickel! Willow: Okay. Do you have 'Theories in Trig'? You should check it out. Xander: Check it out? Willow: From the library? Where the books live. Xander: Right, I'm there! See, I wanna change... Cut to the hall just inside the door. Jesse: Hey, hey! Xander: Hey, Jesse, what's what? Jesse: New Girl! Xander: That's right, I saw her. Pretty much a hottie! Willow: I heard someone was transferring... Xander: So tell! Jesse: Tell what? Xander: What's the sitch, what do ya know about her? Jesse: New girl! Xander: Well, you're certainly a font of nothing! Cut to Principal Flutie's office. Buffy is seated. He has her school records and walks around the desk to his chair as he looks them over. Mr. Flutie: Buffy Summers, h*m*, late of Hemery High in Los Angeles. Interesting record, quite a career... He sits, takes the sheet he's reading and tears it into four pieces. Mr. Flutie: Welcome to Sunnydale! A clean slate, Buffy, that's what you get here. What's past is past. We're not interested in what it says on a piece of paper, even if it says... (reads) Whoa. Buffy: Mr. Flutie... Mr. Flutie: All the kids here are free to call me Bob. Buffy: Bob... Mr. Flutie: But they don't. He begins reassembling the torn sheet. Buffy: I know my transcripts are a little... colorful. Mr. Flutie: Heeey... We're not caring about that. Do you think, uh, 'colorful' is the word? (tapes the paper) Not, uh, 'dismal'? Buffy: Wasn't *that* bad! Mr. Flutie: You b*rned down the gym. Buffy: (exhales) I did, I really did, but... You're not seeing the big picture here, I mean, that gym was full of vampi... asbestos. Mr. Flutie: Buffy, don't worry. Any other school they might say 'watch your step', or 'we'll be watching you'... But, that's just not the way *here*. We want to service your needs, and help you to respect our needs. And if your needs and our needs don't mesh... He puts the poorly repaired sheet back into her file and slaps it shut. She gives him a thin, nervous smile. Cut to the hall. Buffy comes out of Mr. Flutie's office. She opens her bag and rummages through it as she walks into the hall right in front of a girl and a boy. The girl bumps into her, making her lose her grip on the bag and spill its contents. Buffy: Oh! Sorry! Girl: That's okay. Buffy: (looks down at the mess) Oh... Xander hears the noise, looks back, quickly comes over and squats down next to her to help her gather her things. Xander: Can I have you? She gives him a confused look. Xander: Duh... (chuckles) Can I help you? Buffy: (smiles) Thanks. Xander: I don't know you, do I? Buffy: I'm Buffy. I'm new. Xander: Xander. Is, is me. Hi. (smiles) Buffy: Um, thanks. They finish gathering up everything. Xander: Well, uh, maybe I'll see you around... maybe at school... since we... both... go there. Buffy: Great! (they stand up) It was nice to meet you. She starts down the hall. Xander: (unimpressed with himself) We both go to school. Very suave. Very not pathetic. He notices a stake still on the floor. Xander: Oh, hey! (picks it up) Hey, you forgot your... stake! Buffy doesn't hear him and continues down the hall. Xander holds on to the stake. Cut to a classroom. The teacher writes 'The Black Death' on the board and then turns to the class. Teacher: It's estimated that about 25 million people died in that one four-year span. But the fun part of the Black Plague is that it originated in Europe how? Cordelia is taking notes. So is Buffy, seated next to her. Teacher: As an early form of germ warfare. If you'll look at the map on page 63 you can trace the spread of the disease into Rome, and then north... Buffy doesn't have a book and looks around for help. Cordelia notices and shares her book. Buffy: (to Cordelia) Thanks. Teacher: And this popular plague led to what social changes? Steve? The bell rings and the students get up to leave. Cordelia: Hi! I'm Cordelia. (offers her hand) Buffy: (accepts it) I'm Buffy. Cordelia: If you're looking for a textbook of your very own there's probably a few in the library. Buffy: Oh, great, thanks. (they get up) Where would that be? Cordelia: I'll show you, come on. (they start out of the classroom) So you're from Hemery, right? In L.A.? Buffy: Uh, yeah. Cordelia: Oh, I would *k*ll* to live in L.A. That close to that many shoes? Buffy has to laugh as they go into the hall. Cut to the two of them walking down another part of the hall. Cordelia: Well, you'll be okay here. If you hang with me and mine, you'll be accepted in no time. Of course, we do have to test your coolness factor. You're from L.A., so you can skip the written, but let's see. Vamp nail polish. Buffy: Um, over? Cordelia: So over. James Spader. Buffy: He needs to call me! Cordelia: Frappaccinos. Buffy: Trendy, but tasty. Cordelia: John Tesh. Buffy: The Devil. Cordelia: That was pretty much a gimme, but... you passed! Buffy: Oh, goody! They turn toward a drinking fountain. Willow is there. She straightens up and sees them coming. Cordelia: Willow! Nice dress! Good to know you've seen the softer side of Sears. Willow: Uh, oh, well, my mom picked it out. Cordelia: No wonder you're such a guy magnet. Are you done? Willow looks at the fountain, then back at Cordelia. Willow: Oh! She turns and leaves. Buffy watches her go for a moment, then looks back at Cordelia after she starts talking again. Cordelia: You wanna fit in here, the first rule is: know your losers. Once you can identify them all by sight (glances after Willow) they're a lot easier to avoid. Buffy lets out a nervous laugh and nods. She looks at Willow again, who has gone through the door at the end of the hall. Willow looks back at them before she continues. Cut to another area in the halls. The two of them continue their walk to the library. Cordelia: And if you're not too swamped with catching up you should come by the Bronze tonight. Buffy: The who? Cordelia: The Bronze. It's the only club worth going to around here. They let anybody in, but it's still the scene. It's in the bad part of town. Buffy: Where's that? (stops outside the library doors) Cordelia: About a half a block from the good part of town. (laughing) We don't have a whole lot of town here. But, um, you should show! Buffy: Well, I'll try. (looks toward the library) Uh, thanks. Cordelia: Good. So, um, I'll see you in gym, and you can tell me absolutely everything there is to know about you. (waves and goes) Buffy: (waves back) Great! (to herself) Oh, that sounds like fun. She goes into the library. Cut to inside. She comes in and looks around. It looks deserted. Buffy: Hello? (continues in) Is anybody here? She looks on the counter and sees a newspaper with a picture that's been circled. The caption above the picture reads 'Local Boys Still Missing'. Giles comes up behind her and taps her on the shoulder. She spins around, startled. Buffy: Ooo! (exhales) Anybody's here! Giles: Can I help you? Buffy: I was looking for some, well, books. I'm new. Giles: Miss Summers? Buffy: Good call! Guess I'm the only new kid, huh? Giles: I'm Mr. Giles. The librarian. I was told you were coming. He heads around behind the counter. Buffy: Great! So, um, I'm gonna need 'Perspectives on 20th Century...' Giles: (interrupting) I know what you're after! With a big grin on his face he pulls out a large old book with the word 'VAMPYR' written in gold leaf on the front cover. Buffy looks up at him with an uneasy gaze. Buffy: That's not what I'm looking for. Giles: Are you sure? Buffy: I'm way sure. Giles: (confused) My mistake. He puts the book back behind the counter. Buffy quickly leaves. Giles: (straightening back up) So, what is it you said... He sees her go out of the library. Their first encounter leaves him puzzled. Cut to the girls' locker room. Two girls are discussing Buffy. Aphrodisia: The new kid? She seems kind of weird to me. What kind of name is Buffy? Girl: Hey, Aphrodisia! Aphrodisia: Oh, Hey! Aura: Well, the chatter in the caf is that she got kicked out, and that's why her mom had to get a new job. The girls work the combinations to their gym lockers. Aphrodisia: Neg! Aura: Pos! She was starting fights! Aphrodisia: Neg-ly! Aura: (opening her locker) Well I heard from Blue, and she said that... The d*ad boy falls out of the locker onto Aura's arm. She screams and lets the body fall. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ Outside at school. Willow is sitting on a bench in front of a wall taking out her lunch. Buffy approaches her. Buffy: Uh, Hi! Willow, right? Willow: (looks up) Why? I-I mean, hi! Uh, did you want me to move? Buffy: Why don't we start with 'Hi, I'm Buffy,' and, uh, then let's segue directly into me asking you for a favor. (sits next to her) It doesn't involve moving, but it does involve hanging out with me for a while. Willow: But aren't you hanging out with Cordelia? Buffy: I can't do both? Willow: Not legally. Buffy: (exhales) Look, I really wanna get by here, new school, and... Cordelia's been really nice... to me... anyway, but, um, I kinda have this burning desire not to flunk all my classes, and I heard a rumor that you were the person to talk to if I wanted to get caught up. Willow: Oh, I could totally help you out! Uh, if you have sixth period free we could meet in the library? Buffy: Or not. Or we could meet someplace quieter. Louder. Uh, that place just kinda gives me the wiggins. Willow: Oh, it has that effect on most kids. I love it, though, it's a great collection, and the new librarian is really cool. Buffy: He's new? Willow: Yeah, he just started. He was a curator at some British museum, or, or The British Museum, I'm not sure. But he knows everything, and he brought all these historical volumes and biographies and am I the single dullest person alive? Buffy: Not at all. Xander hops up on the wall behind the girls and sits on it between them. Jesse stands in front of them and drops his bag. Jesse: Hey! Xander: You guys busy? Are we interrupting? We're interrupting. He tosses his bag to Jesse. Buffy: Hey! Willow: Hey! Jesse: Hey there! He drops Xander's bag next to his own. Willow: Buffy, this is Jesse and that's Xander. Xander: Oh, me and Buffy go waaay back, old friends, very close. Then there's that period of estrangement where I think we were both growing as people, but now here we are, like old times, I'm quite moved. Jesse: Is it me, or are you turning into a bibbling idiot? Xander: No, it's, uh, it's not you. Buffy: Well, it's nice to meet you guys, I think. Xander jumps down to retrieve the stake from his bag. Jesse: Well, you know, we wanted to welcome ya, make ya feel at home, unless you have a scary home... Xander: And to return this. (holds up the stake) The only thing I can think is that you're building a really little fence. (hands it to her) Buffy: (takes it) Hah, no, um, a-a-actually it was for self-defense. Everyone has them in L.A. Pepper spray is just so passe'. Xander: So what do you do for fun, what do you like, what do you look for in a man, let's hear it. Jesse: If you have any dark, painful secrets you'd like us to publish? Buffy: Gee, everyone wants to know about me. How keen. Xander: Well, not much goes on in a one Starbucks town like Sunnydale. You're pretty big news. Buffy: I'm not. Really. Cordelia: (interrupting) Are these guys bothering you? Buffy: Uh, no! Willow: She's not hanging out with us. Jesse: (stands next to her) Hey! Cordelia! Cordelia: (to Jesse) Oh, please! (to Buffy) I don't mean to interrupt your downward mobility, but I just wanted to tell you that you won't be meeting Coach Foster, the woman with the chest hair, because gym was canceled due to the *extreme* d*ad guy in the locker. Buffy: What? Willow: What are you talking about? Cordelia: Some guy was stuffed in Aura's locker! Buffy: d*ad. Cordelia: Totally d*ad. Way d*ad. Xander: It's not just a little d*ad then? Cordelia: Don't you have an elsewhere to be? Jesse: Y'know, if you need a shoulder to cry on, or just to nibble on... Buffy: How did he die? Cordelia: I don't know. Buffy: Well, were there any marks? Cordelia: Morbid much! I didn't ask! Buffy: (looks at everyone) Um, I gotta book. I'll, I'll see you guys later. She grabs her things and leaves. Cordelia stares after her. Cordelia: What's her deal? Cut to outside the gym. Buffy sneaks up to an outside entrance. It's locked. She uses her strength to break the door and goes in, looking around to make sure no one sees her. Cut to the locker room. Buffy finds the body and pulls back the sheet. She sees the vampire bite. Buffy: Oh, great! Cut to the library. Buffy barges in. Buffy: Okay, what's the sitch? Giles: (in the stacks) Sorry? Buffy: You heard about the d*ad guy, right? The d*ad guy in the locker? Giles: (steps into the light) Yes. She drops her bag on the table and heads up the stairs. Buffy: 'Cause, it's the weirdest thing. He's got two little, little holes in his neck, and all his blood's been drained. (meets him) Isn't that bizarre? Aren't you just going, ooo? Giles: I was afraid of this. Buffy: Well, I wasn't! It's my first day! I was afraid that I was gonna be behind in all my classes, that I wouldn't make any friends, that I would have last month's hair. I didn't think there'd be vampires on campus. And I don't care. Giles: Then why are you here? Buffy: To tell you that... I don't care, which... I don't, and... have now told you, so... bye. (turns away to go) Giles: Is he, w-will he... rise again? Buffy: (turns back) Who? Giles: The boy. Buffy: No. He's just d*ad. Giles: Can you be sure? Buffy: To make you a vampire they have to suck your blood. And then you have to suck their blood. It's like a whole big sucking thing. Mostly they're just gonna k*ll you. Why am I still talking to you? Buffy turns and goes down the stairs. Giles moves over to the railing. Giles: You really have no idea what's going on, do you? You think it's coincidence, your being here? That boy was just the beginning. Buffy: Oh, why can't you people just leave me alone? Giles: Because you are the Slayer. (comes down the stairs) Into each generation a Slayer is born, one girl in all the world, a Chosen One, one born with the strength and skill to hunt the vampires... Buffy: (interrupts and joins in) ...with the strength and skill to hunt the vampires, to stop the spread of their evil blah, blah, blah... I've heard it, okay? Giles: I really don't understand this attitude. You, you've accepted your duty, you, you've slain vampires before... Buffy: Yeah, and I've both been there and done that, and I'm moving on. Giles: What do you know about this town? (goes into his office) Buffy: It's two hours on the freeway from Neiman Marcus? Giles: Dig a bit in the history of this place. You'll find a, a steady stream of fairly odd occurrences. Now, I believe this whole area is a center of mystical energy, (comes back with four books) that things gravitate towards it that, that, that you might not find elsewhere. (sets them on the table) Buffy: Like vampires. He puts the volumes into Buffy's arms one by one as he lists off various monsters and demons. Giles: Like zombies, werewolves, incubi, succubi, everything you've ever dreaded was under your bed, but told yourself couldn't be by the light of day. They're all real! Buffy: What? You, like, sent away for the Time-Life series? Giles: Ah, w-w-w-yes. Buffy: Did you get the free phone? Giles: Um, the calendar. Buffy: Cool! But, okay, (gives back the books) first of all, I'm a Vampire Slayer. And secondly, I'm retired. Hey, I know! Why don't you k*ll 'em? Giles: I-I'm a Watcher, I-I haven't the skill... Buffy: Oh, come on, stake through the heart, a little sunlight... It's like falling off a log. Giles: A, a Slayer slays, a Watcher... Buffy: ...watches? Giles: Yes. No! (sets down the books) He, he trains her, he, he, he prepares her... Buffy: Prepares me for what? For getting kicked out of school? For losing all of my friends? For having to spend all of my time fighting for my life and never getting to tell anyone because I might endanger them? Go ahead! Prepare me. They just look at each other for a moment. Buffy exhales, turns and leaves the library in disgust. Giles hesitates for an instant. Giles: (to himself) Damn! He runs after Buffy. Xander walks out from behind the stacks. Xander: What? Cut to the hall. Giles catches up with Buffy. Giles: It's getting worse! Buffy: What's getting worse? He guides her over to the wall and speaks with her in a low voice. Giles: The influx of the undead, the... supernatural occurrences, it's been building for years. There's a reason why you're here and a reason why it's now! Buffy: Because now is the time my mom moved here. She tries to evade him, but he puts his arm out to stop her. Giles: Something's coming, something, something... something is, is gonna happen here. Soon! Buffy: Gee, can you vague that up for me? Giles: The signs, as far as I can tell, point to a crucial mystical upheaval, very soon. Days. Possibly less. Buffy: Oh, come on! This is Sunnydale! How bad an evil can there be here? Cut to outside the school. The camera descends behind some bushes and sinks through the ground into the lair of the Master. There are candles everywhere. Vampires bearing torches are gathering. The camera moves around the lair as Luke speaks and eventually comes to rest on him. Luke: The sleeper will wake. The sleeper will wake. The sleeper will wake. The sleeper will wake, and the world will bleed. Amen! ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ Buffy's room. She's considering what to wear to the Bronze. She holds a shiny black outfit up to the mirror. Buffy: Hi! I'm an enormous slut! (holds up a blue floral dress) Hello! Would you like a copy of 'The Watchtower'? (lowers the dress) I used to be so good at this. Her mother comes into the room. Joyce: Hi, hon. Buffy returns her dresses to the closet. Buffy: Hey! Joyce: Are you, uh, going out tonight? Buffy: Yeah, I'm going to a club. Joyce: Oh. Will there be boys there? Buffy: No, Mom. It's a nun club. Joyce: Well, just be careful. Buffy: I will. Joyce: You know, I think we can make it work here. I've got my positive energy flowing... I'm gonna get the Gallery on its feet... Oh, uh, we may have found a space today. Buffy: That's great. Joyce: Oh, and that school is a, a very nurturing environment, which is just what you need. Buffy: Well, actually... Joyce: Oh, not too nurturing. I know, you're sixteen, I've read all about the dangers of over-nurturing. Buffy goes to her bed and lays out a couple of outfits. Joyce: It's hard. New town and everything... It is for me, too. I'm trying to make it work. (takes her daughter's hands in hers) I'm going to make it work. Buffy: I know. Joyce: Oh, you're a good girl, Buffy, (pats her on the head) you just fell in with the wrong crowd. But that is all behind us now. Buffy: It is. From now on I am only going to hang out with the living. (they let go of their hands, and she picks up her dresses) I mean, lively. People. Buffy heads back to her closet with an awkward look on her face. Joyce: Hmm. Okay. You have fun. Cut outside later that evening. Buffy is walking down a dark street, when someone appears behind her. She senses that she is being followed. After walking for a ways, when she gets a chance she ducks down an alley and looks around for a place to hide. A cat yowls and kicks some cans as it runs away. She spies something above her. Angel comes into the alley but doesn't see her. As he slowly walks along, the camera pulls up to reveal Buffy in a handstand on a bar high above the pavement. When Angel has passed underneath her, she swings down and kicks him in the back. He is knocked to the ground, and Buffy positions herself above him with a foot on his chest. Angel: Ah, heh. Is there a problem, ma'am? Buffy: Yeah, there's a problem. Why are you following me? Angel: I know what you're thinking. Don't worry, I don't bite. She backs off and lets him get up, but keeps her fighting stance. Angel: Truth is, I thought you'd be taller, or bigger muscles and all that. You're pretty spry, though. (massages his neck) Buffy: What do you want? Angel: The same thing you do. Buffy: (lets down her guard) Okay. What do I want? Angel: (steps toward her) To k*ll them. To k*ll them all. Buffy: Sorry, that's incorrect. But you do get this lovely watch and a year's supply of Turtle Wax. What I want is to be left alone! She starts a determined walk away. Angel: Do you really think that's an option anymore? You're standing at the Mouth of Hell. And it's about to open. She stops, turns to him and looks at him with a wide-eyed gaze. He reaches into his jacket and pulls out a small box. Angel: Don't turn your back on this. (tosses her the box) You've gotta be ready. Buffy: What for? Angel: For the Harvest. Buffy: Who are you? Angel: Let's just say... I'm a friend. (starts to leave) Buffy: Yeah, well, maybe I don't want a friend. Angel: (turns back) I didn't say I was yours. He leaves. Buffy stares after him for a moment, then opens the box. It contains a silver cross and chain. She takes it out, holds it in her hand and takes another glance in his direction. Cut to outside the Bronze. People are arriving and meeting. Buffy is wearing the cross around her neck. She walks up to the entrance, gives the doorman some cash and goes in. Sprung Monkey is playing "Believe" loudly, and the dance floor is crowded with people. Lyrics: Oh, I just want to believe / Can you hear me? / Can you see me? / What's inside of me? / Oh, I just want to believe / If my life can have a purpose / Help me to believe / Oh, I just want to believe / Can you hear me? / Can you see me? / What's inside of me? / Oh, I just want to believe / If my life can have a purpose / Help me to believe Buffy moves to the music a bit. She sees a guy waving in her direction and waves back, then notices someone behind her waving back and pulls her hand down, embarrassed. Lyrics: Everybody wants to find the circle / The line of truth that has no end / Because so many nights I've slept with the feeling of empty / And I say, right now I'm ready to believe She finds the bar and sees Willow sitting there. Buffy: Hey! Willow: Oh, hi! Buffy walks around her and sits on the stool next to her. Willow turns to face her. Willow: Hi! Buffy: Oh, you're here with someone? Willow: No, I'm just here. I thought Xander was gonna show up. Buffy: Oh, are you guys going out? Willow: No, we're just friends. We used to go out, but we broke up. Buffy: How come? Willow: He stole my Barbie. (Buffy looks confused) Oh, we were five. Buffy: Oh. Willow: I-I-I don't actually date a whole lot... lately. Buffy: Why not? Willow: Well, when I'm with a boy I like, it's hard for me to say anything cool, or, or witty, or at all. I-I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away. Buffy: It's not *that* bad! Willow: No, i-it is. I think boys are more interested in a girl who can talk. Buffy: You really *haven't* been dating lately. Willow: It's probably easy for you. Buffy: Yeah, real easy. Willow: I-I mean you don't seem too shy. Buffy: Well, my philosophy, do you wanna hear my philosophy? Willow: Yeah, I do! Buffy: Life is short. Willow: Life is short! Buffy: Not original, I'll grant you, but it's true. You know? Why waste time being all shy and worrying about some guy, and if he's gonna laugh at you. Seize the moment, 'cause tomorrow you might be d*ad. Willow: Oh, that's nice! Buffy looks up and sees Giles on the upper level. Buffy: Um, I'll be back in a minute. (gets up to go) Willow: Oh, tha-that's okay, you don't have to come back. Buffy: (smiles) I'll be back in a minute. Willow: (to herself) Seize the moment. Cut to Buffy, making her way to the stairs. The camera follows her up. Lyrics: I feel love with my friends / I feel love in my songs / If I could just hold love / Then all the answers might come / I said, oh, if we're all children of God / And we just turned away / I got a lack of belief / I said a world without faith / It's time we turn back around Buffy: (finds Giles) So, you like to party with the students. Isn't that kinda skanky? Giles: Oh, right, this is me having fun. Watching... clown hair prance about is hardly my idea of a party. I'd much rather be at home with a cup of Bovril and a good book. Buffy: You need a personality, stat! Giles: (points to the crowd below) This is a perfect breeding ground for vampire activity. It's dark, it's crowded... Besides, I knew you were likely to show up, and I have to make you understand... Buffy: ...that the Harvest is coming. I know, your friend told me. Giles: What did you say? Buffy: The Harvest. That mean something to you? 'Cause I'm drawing a blank. Giles: I'm not sure. Uh... W-who told you this? Buffy: This... guy. Dark, gorgeous in an annoying sort of way. I figured you two were buds. Giles: No. The Harvest. Did he say anything else? Buffy: Something about the Mouth of Hell. I *really* didn't like him! The band has finished its song and there's lots of applause. They soon start their next song, "Swirl". Giles moves around Buffy, leans on the railing and looks down at the crowd. Giles: Look at them, throwing themselves about, completely unaware of the danger that surrounds them. Buffy: Lucky them. Giles: Or perhaps you're right. Perhaps there is no trouble coming, the signs could be wrong. It's not as though you've been having the nightmares. Buffy is silent. Cut to below. Cordelia: My mom doesn't even *get* out of bed anymore. And the doctor says it's Epstein-Barr. I'm like, pleeease! It's chronic hepatitis, or at least chronic fatigue syndrome. I mean, *nobody* cool has Epstein- Barr anymore. Jesse spots Cordelia and comes over. Jesse: Hey, Cordelia! Cordelia: Oh, yay, it's my stalker. (makes a face) Jesse: Hey, you, uh, you look great! Cordelia: Well, I'm glad we had this little chat. Jesse: (coughs) Listen, uh, you know, you wanna dance, you know? Cordelia: With you? Jesse: Well, uh, yeah. Cordelia: Well, uh, no! C'mon, guys. She and her friends leave. Jesse is left in the dust. Jesse: Fine! Plenty of other fish in the sea. Oh, yeah, I'm... on the prowl. Witness me prowling! Cut to Buffy and Giles on the upper level. Buffy: I didn't say I'd never slay another vampire. It's not like I have all these fluffy bunny feelings for them, I'm just not gonna get way extracurricular with it. You know, if I see one, sure I'll... Giles: (interrupting) Will you be ready? There's so much you don't know about them, about your own powers. A vampire appears to be completely normal until the feed is upon them, only then do they reveal their true demonic visage. Buffy: You're like a textbook with arms, I know this. Giles: The point is, a Slayer should be able to see them anyway. Without looking, without thinking. Can you tell me if there's a vampire in this building? Buffy: Maybe... Giles: You should know. Even through this mass and this... din, you should be able to sense them. Well, try! Reach out with your mind. (Buffy looks around) You have to hone your senses, focus until the energy washes over you, until you, you feel every particle o-of... Buffy: There's one. Giles: W-where? Buffy: Right there, talking to that girl. Giles: You don't know... Buffy: Oh, please! Look at his jacket. He's got the sleeves rolled up, and the shirt! Deal with that outfit for a moment. Giles: It's dated? Buffy: It's carbon dated. Trust me, only someone living underground for ten years would think that was still the look. Giles: But you didn't... hone. Buffy: (notices that the girl is Willow) Oh, no. Giles: Isn't that... Buffy: Willow. Giles: What's she doing? Buffy: Seizing the moment! She starts down to rescue Willow. Lyrics: We're formed in liquid / Pushed out still dripping / A world was thrown before my eyes Cut to below. Willow is being led out of the Bronze by the vampire. Cut to Giles. He's at a loss for what to do. Lyrics: Now paint a picture / Crayon stick figures / With blue-haired people, purple skies Cut to below. Buffy has lost them. She tries the back. She breaks a leg off of a stack of chairs and begins to stalk. After a while Cordelia comes out of the restroom and surprises her. Buffy reacts, taking Cordelia by the throat and pushing her up against a wall. Buffy: (recognizing) Cordelia! (she lets go) Cordelia: God! What is your childhood trauma?! Her entourage appears in the restroom door behind her. Buffy: Have you guys seen Willow? Did she come by here? Cordelia: Why? Do you need to att*ck her with the stick? Jeez! Buffy turns and goes. Cordelia: (to her groupies) Excuse me, I have to call *everyone* I have *ever* met, right now. Cut to the main floor. Giles catches up with Buffy. Giles: That *was* quick. Well done! I-I need to go to the library. This Harvest thing... Buffy: I didn't find them! He grabs Buffy by the arm and turns her to face him. Giles: The vampire is not d*ad? Buffy: No, but my social life is on the critical list. Giles: (lets go of her) So, what do we do? Buffy: I'll take care of it! Giles: I-I-I need to come with you, yes? Buffy: Don't worry. One vampire I can handle. She leaves, walking past Jesse talking to Darla. Jesse: So, um, what did you say your name was? Darla: Darla. Jesse: Darla. You know, I haven't seen you around before. Are you from around here? Darla: No, but I have family here. Jesse: Have I met them? Darla: You probably will. Cut to the Master's lair. The Master rises out of the pool of blood as Luke kneels and looks on. He steps out of the pool over to Luke and offers his hand. Luke takes it. Luke: Master! ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ In the Master's lair. Master: I am weak. Luke: (quotes scripture) 'In the Harvest he will be restored.' Master: The Harvest. Luke: We're almost there. Soon you'll be free! The Master tests his confines. They are still as strong as ever. Master: I must be ready. I need my strength. Luke: I've sent your servants to bring you some food. Master: Good. Luke? Luke: Yes? Master: Bring me something... young. Cut to the sidewalk next to the cemetery. Willow and Thomas are walking. Willow: Sure is dark. Thomas: It's night. Willow: Well, that's a dark time, night. Traditionally. I still can't believe I've never seen you at school. Do you have Mr. Chomsky for history? Thomas ignores her babbling and heads into the cemetery. Willow: Uh, the ice cream bar is this way. It's past Hamilton Street? Thomas: I know a shortcut. He grabs her hand and leads her into the cemetery. Cut to outside the Bronze. Buffy is trying to find Willow. Xander: Hey, you're leaving already? Buffy: Oh, Xander! Have you seen Willow? Xander: Not tonight, no. Buffy: She left with a guy. Xander: We're talking about Willow, right? Scorin' at the Bronze, work it girl... Buffy: No, I need to find her. Where would he take her? Xander: Why? Oh, hey, I hope he's not a vampire, because then you might have to slay him. Buffy: (taken aback) Was there a... a school bulletin? Was it i-in the newspaper? Is there anyone in this town who doesn't know I'm the Slayer? Xander: No. I only know that you *think* that you're the Slayer, and the reason why I know that... Buffy: Well, whatever, it doesn't matter, just tell me, where would Willow go? Xander: You're serious! Buffy: We don't find her and there's gonna be one more d*ad body in the morning! Cut to the cemetery. Willow and Thomas are walking. Willow: Oh, okay, th-this is nice... and scary. Are you sure this is faster? They reach the mausoleum. Thomas: Hey! Ever been in one of these? Willow: No. Thank you. (turns away) Thomas: Come on. (comes up behind her and pulls her hair back) What are you afraid of? He moves in toward her neck. She lets out a yelp as he grabs her and pushes her into the mausoleum. Cut to inside the mausoleum. Willow trips down the stairs and stops up against the stone coffin. She turns around. Willow: That wasn't funny! Thomas comes down the steps. She backs away from him, against a wall. She trips over some stones. Willow: I think I'm gonna go. Thomas: Is that what you think? He comes toward her again. She skirts by him, but only because he lets her. Darla blocks her way out of the mausoleum. Darla: Is this the best you could do? Thomas: She's fresh! Darla: Hardly enough to share. Thomas: Why didn't you bring your own? Darla: (gives him a look) I did. Jesse stumbles into the mausoleum, holding his neck. Jesse: Hey! Wait up! Willow: Oh, my God, Jesse! He is weak from blood loss and collapses. Willow tries to catch him and breaks his fall. Jesse: Y'know, you gave me a hickey. Thomas gives Darla a look. Darla: (shrugs) I got hungry on the way. Willow: Jesse, let's get outta here! Darla: Oh, you're not going anywhere. Willow: Leave us alone! Darla: You're not going anywhere until we've (vamps out) *fed*! Willow screams and falls back down next to Jesse. Buffy and Xander show up. Buffy: Well, this is nice. I-it's a little bare, but a dash of paint, a few throw pillows... call it home! Buffy moves behind the coffin to draw the vampires away from the others. Darla: Who the hell are you? Buffy: You mean there's actually someone in this town who doesn't know already? Whew, that's a relief, I'm telling you! Having a secret identity in this town is a job of work. Xander: Buffy, we bail now, right? Thomas: Not yet! Buffy: Okay, first of all, what's with the outfit? Live in the now, okay? You look like DeBarge! The vampires close in on her. She turns to Darla. Buffy: Now, we can do this the hard way, or... well, actually there's just the hard way. Darla: That's fine with me! Buffy: Are you sure? Now, this in not gonna be pretty. We're talking v*olence, strong language, adult content... Thomas roars behind Buffy. She pulls the chair leg out from inside her shirt. He att*cks from behind, but Buffy neatly jams the makeshift stake into his chest. He falls back and turns to ashes. Darla can't believe her eyes. Neither can anyone else. Buffy: See what happens when you roughhouse? Darla: He was young and stupid! Buffy: Xander, go! Darla: Don't go far! Buffy and Darla start to fight. Darla punches high, but Buffy blocks. Xander helps Willow pick up Jesse. Darla throws a backhand punch, but Buffy blocks again and follows up with a front snap kick to Darla's stomach. As she leans forward from the pain, Buffy slams her elbow into Darla's back. Cut to outside. Xander and Willow help Jesse out and they start to run. Cut to the mausoleum. Darla hits the wall and falls to the floor, winded. Buffy: You know, I just wanted to start over. Be like everybody else. Have some friends, y'know, maybe a dog... But, no, you had to come here, you couldn't go suck on some other town. Darla: Who are you? Buffy: Don't you know? Luke grabs her by the neck from behind. Luke: I don't care! He throws her across the room. He grabs Darla and lifts her to her feet. Luke: You were supposed to be bringing an offering for the Master! We're almost at Harvest, and you dally with this child! Darla: We had someone, but then she came. She k*lled Thomas. Luke, she's strong. Luke: You go. I'll see if I can handle the little girl. He approaches Buffy as she starts to get up, still a little dazed. Darla quickly climbs the steps, looks back once and runs out of the door. Luke att*cks Buffy with a double punch, but she blocks it and delivers a punch to his gut and a hopping front snap kick to his jaw. He steps back, but isn't fazed. Luke: You're strong. He lands a solid backhand fist on her. She goes flying. Luke: I'm stronger! Cut to outside in the cemetery. Xander and Willow are supporting Jesse as they run. Willow: We'll get the police, it's just a few blocks up! They are stopped by a group of vampires. Cut to the mausoleum. Luke: You're wasting my time. She backs away up the stairs toward the exit. Buffy: Hey, I had other plans, too, okay? Luke shoves the heavy lid off of the coffin. Buffy does a cartwheel onto and over it to avoid it and kicks Luke in the chest with both feet, knocking him down. She grabs the stake from the floor and lunges at Luke, but he is too quick for her, and grabs her by the wrist. Luke: You think you can stop me? Stop us? He grabs the stake with his other hand and breaks it. Then he grabs her by the shirt. Luke: You have no idea what you're dealing with. He throws Buffy onto the rim of the now open coffin. She rolls off onto the floor, dazed. Luke gets up and starts toward her, quoting scripture. Luke: 'And like a plague of boils, the race of man covered the Earth.' Cut to the library. Giles is paging through an old volume and stops on a picture of Satan with lightning coming from his hand to a man's. Luke: 'But on the third day of the newest light would come the Harvest. And the blood of men will flow as wine.' Cut to the Master sitting in an intricately carved chair. Luke: 'When the Master will walk among them once more!' Cut to Xander, Willow and Jesse surrounded by vampires, including Darla. Luke: 'The Earth will belong to the old ones.' Cut to Buffy. Luke is in her face. Luke: 'And Hell itself will come to town.' He grabs Buffy and growls. He lifts her by the throat and throws her toward the coffin. Buffy does a front layout and lands in the coffin next to a skeleton, and lets out a quick scream, but then remains silent, only breathing. She can't see or hear Luke. She slowly starts to get up. Suddenly Luke jumps up and into the coffin. Luke: (smiling widely) Amen! He moves in to bite Buffy. To Be Continued... The End

{"type": "series", "show": "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "episode": "01x01 - Welcome to the Hellmouth"}

foreverdreaming

~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~ In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. Inside the mausoleum. Luke tries to bite Buffy, but burns himself on the cross hanging around her neck and jerks back. Buffy seizes the opportunity and push kicks him out of the coffin. She climbs out of it and races outside. Cut outside. Buffy runs to catch up with Willow, Xander and Jesse. She hears a vampire roar and a girl screaming and runs toward the sounds. Cut to Willow on the ground, about to be bitten. Willow: No! Get off! Buffy: Hey! The vampire looks up, and Buffy snap kicks him off of Willow. He gets up and runs away. Willow is shocked by what she sees. Buffy quickly starts the hunt again. Willow gets up and runs after her. Cut to Xander being dragged away by two vampires. Willow appears between two gravestones. Willow: Xander! The vampires are distracted. Buffy takes advantage of the opening and jumps in, high punches one and side kicks the other. She notices a dry branch on a tree and breaks it off. As one of the vampires gets up she plunges the stick into him. Willow rushes over to Xander who's still on the ground. Willow: Xander, are you okay? Xander: Man, something h*t me. Buffy: Where's Jesse? Willow: I don't know! They surrounded us. Xander: That girl grabbed him and took off. Buffy: Which way? Xander: I don't know. She stands up straight and slowly scans the cemetery. Buffy: (whispers) Jesse! Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. The globe is spinning. Giles stops it while he lectures and makes his way down to where Buffy, Willow and Xander are at the table. Giles: This world is older than any of you know. Contrary to popular mythology, it did not begin as a paradise. For untold eons demons walked the Earth. They made it their home, their... their Hell. But in time they lost their purchase on this reality. The way was made for mortal animals, for, for man. All that remains of the old ones are vestiges, certain magicks, certain creatures... Buffy: And vampires. Xander: Okay, this is where I have a problem. See, because we're talking about vampires. We're having a *talk* with vampires in it. Willow: Isn't that what we saw last night? Buffy: No. No, th-those weren't vampires, those were just guys in thundering need of a facial. Or maybe they had rabies. It could have been rabies. A-and that guy turning to dust? Just a trick of light. (Xander gives her a look) That's exactly what I said the first time I saw a vampire. Well, after I was done with the screaming part. Willow: Oh, I, I need to sit down. Buffy: You are sitting down. Willow: Oh. Good for me. Xander: So vampires are demons? Giles: The books tell the last demon to leave this reality fed off a human, mixed their blood. He was a human form possessed, infected by the demon's soul. He bit another, and another, and so they walk the Earth, feeding... k*lling some, mixing their blood with others to make more of their kind. Waiting for the animals to die out, and the old ones to return. Cut to the sewers. Darla and Luke are forcing Jesse into the Master's lair. Luke: Move! They reach the lair and Luke forces Jesse down the slope to the floor below. The Master approaches. Master: Is this for me? Luke: An offering, Master. Darla: He's a good one! His blood is pure! Master: (draws the obvious conclusion) You've tasted it. Darla looks down in shame. Master: I'm your... faithful dog. You bring me scraps. Darla: I, I didn't mean it... Master: I have waited. For three score years I have waited. While you come and go I am stuck here, here in this house of... (with extreme contempt) worship! My ascension is almost at hand. Pray that when it comes... (takes Darla by the neck) I'm in a better mood. Darla: Master, forgive me! We had more offerings, but there was trouble. A girl! Luke: And there was a girl. She fought well and she knew of our breed. It is possible that she may be... Master: ...a Slayer! Cut to the library. Xander: And that would be a what? Giles: For as long as there have been vampires, there's been the Slayer. One girl in all the world, a Chosen One. Buffy: He loves doing this part. Giles: Alright. The Slayer hunts vampires, Buffy is a Slayer, don't tell anyone. Well, I think that's all the vampire information you need. Xander: Except for one thing: how do you k*ll them? Buffy: *You* don't, *I* do. Xander: Well, Jesse's my... Buffy: (interrupts) Jesse is my responsibility. I let him get taken. Xander: That's not true. Willow: If you hadn't shown up they would have taken us, too. Does anybody mind if I pass out? Buffy: Breathe. Willow: Breathe. Buffy: Breathe. (to Giles) This big guy, Luke. He talked about an offering to the Master. Now, I don't know what or who, but if they weren't just feeding then Jesse may still be alive. I'm gonna find him. Willow: Uh, this may be the dumb question, but shouldn't we call the police? Giles: And they'd believe us, of course. Willow: Well, we don't have to say vampires. We, we could just say that there's a, a bad man. Buffy: They couldn't handle it even of they did show up. They'd only come with g*n. Giles: You have no idea where they took Jesse? Buffy: I looked around, but soon's they got clear of the graveyard, they could have just, voom! Xander: They can fly? Buffy: They can drive. Xander: Oh. Willow: I don't remember hearing a car. Giles: Let's take an enormous intuitive leap, shall we, and say they went underground. Buffy: Vampires really jam on sewer systems. You can get anywhere in the entire town without catching any rays. But I didn't see any access around there. Xander: Well, there's an electrical tunnel that runs under the whole town. Giles: If we had a diagnostic of the tunnel system it might indicate a, a meeting place, it would, uh... I suppose we could go to the building commission. Buffy: We *so* don't have time. Willow: Uh, guys? There may be another way. Cut to the Master's lair. Master: A Slayer! Have you any proof? Luke: Only that she fought me, and yet lives. Master: Hmm, very nearly proof enough. I can't remember the last time that happened. Luke: 1843. Madrid. He caught me sleeping. Master: She mustn't be allowed to interfere with the Harvest! Luke: I would never let that happen! Master: Don't worry about it. I believe she'll come to us. We have something she wants. Luke smiles at Jesse. Master: If she is a Slayer, and this boy lives, she'll try to save him. Luke: I thought you nothing more than a meal, boy. He moves behind Jesse and takes his neck. Luke: Congratulations. You've just been upgraded. To bait. Cut to the library. Willow has the city plans on the computer monitor. Buffy: There it is. Willow: That runs under the graveyard. Xander: I don't see any access. Giles: So, all the city plans are just, uh, open to the public? Willow: Um, well, i-in a way. I sort of stumbled onto them when I accidentally decrypted the city council's security system. Xander: Someone's been naughty. Buffy: There's nothing here, this is useless! Giles: I think you're being a bit hard on yourself. Buffy: You're the one that told me that I wasn't prepared enough. Understatement! (exhales) I thought I was on top of everything, and then that monster, Luke, came out of nowhere... She flashes back to the fight in the mausoleum. Xander: What? Buffy: He didn't come out of nowhere. He came from behind me. I was facing the entrance, he came from behind me, and he didn't follow me out. The access to the tunnels is in the mausoleum! The girl must have doubled back with Jesse after I got out! God! I am so ment*lly challenged! Xander: So, what's the plan? We saddle up, right? Buffy: There's no 'we', okay? I'm the Slayer, and you're not. Xander: I knew you'd throw that back in my face. Buffy: Xander, this is deeply dangerous. Xander: I'm inadequate. That's fine. I'm less than a man. Willow: Buffy, I'm not anxious to go into a dark place full of monsters. But I do want to help. I need to. Giles: Well, then help me. I've been researching this Harvest affair. It seems to be some sort of preordained m*ssacre. Rivers of blood, Hell on Earth, quite charmless. I'm a bit fuzzy, however, on the details. It may be that you can wrest some information from that dread machine. Everyone stares at him. He looks back at them all. Giles: That was a bit, um, British, wasn't it? Buffy: (smiles) Welcome to the New World. Giles: (to Willow) I want you to go on the 'Net. Willow: Oh, sure, I can do that. (begins to type) Buffy: Then I'm outta here. If Jesse's alive, I'll bring him back. (starts to leave) Giles: Do I have to tell you to be careful? Buffy turns back, gives Giles a look and goes. Cut outside. Buffy is making strides for a side gate. Mr. Flutie is there and stops her. Mr. Flutie: And where do we think we're going? Buffy: We? (turns to face him) I... Me... Mr. Flutie: We're not leaving school grounds, are we? Buffy: No! No, I'm... just admiring the fence. You know, this is quality fence work. Mr. Flutie: Because if we were leaving schools grounds on our second day at a new school, after getting kicked out of our old school for delinquent behavior... Do you see where I'm going with this? Buffy: Mr. Giles... Mr. Flutie: What? Buffy: He asked me to get a book for him. Uh, from the store, 'cause I have a free period, and I'm a big reader. Did it mention that in my transcripts? Mr. Flutie: Mr. Giles? Buffy: Ask him. Mr. Flutie: (swings the gate closed) Well, maybe that's how they do things in *Britain*, they've got that royal family and all kinds of problems, (locks it) but here at Sunnydale nobody leaves campus while school's in session. Are we clear? Buffy: We're clear. Mr. Flutie: That's the Buffy Summers I want in my school. Sensible girl with her feet on the ground! He turns and leaves. Buffy watches him go. When he's gone a ways she crouches and leaps the fence. Cut to Willow and Xander walking down a hall. Willow: m*rder, death, disaster. What else? Xander: Paranormal, unexplained, did you get natural disasters? Willow: Earthquake, flood. Xander: Rain of Toads. Willow: Right. Xander: Rain of Toads! Do you think they'd have anything like that in the paper? Willow: I'll put it on the computer search. If it's in there, it'll turn up. Anything that'll lead us to vampires. Xander: And I, in the meantime, will help by standing around like an idiot. Willow: Not like an idiot, just... standing. Buffy doesn't want you getting hurt. They stop in front of their next class. Willow: I don't want you getting hurt. Xander: This is just too much. I mean, yesterday my life's like, 'Uh- oh, pop quiz'. Today it's 'Rain of Toads'. Willow: I know. And everyone else thinks it's just a normal day. Xander: Nobody knows. It's like we've got this big secret. Willow: We do. That's what a secret is, when you know something other guys don't. Xander: Right. Look, maybe you should get to class. (indicates the door) Willow: You mean 'we'. We should get to class. Xander: Yeah. Willow: Buffy'll be okay. Whatever's down there, I think she can handle it. Xander: Yeah, I do, too. Willow: So do I! Cut to inside the mausoleum. Buffy comes in slowly, looking and listening. She scans around. Satisfied that no one's there, she walks down the steps to the floor. She hears a rat behind her and twists to look toward the sound. She continues and finds the tunnel access. It's locked with a chain. She lifts the lock. Angel appears behind her. Angel: (exhales) Buffy: I don't suppose you've got a key on you? Angel: They really don't like me dropping in. Buffy: (faces him) Why not? Angel: They really don't like me. Buffy: How could that possibly be? Angel: I knew you'd figure out this entryway sooner or later. Actually, I thought it was gonna be a *little* sooner. Buffy: Sorry you had to wait. (exhales) Okay. Look, if you're gonna be popping up with this cryptic wise man act on a regular basis can you at least tell me your name? Angel: Angel. Buffy: Angel. It's a pretty name. She turns to the tunnel entrance. Angel: Don't... go down there. Buffy: (turns back) Deal with my going. Angel: You shouldn't be putting yourself at risk. Tonight is the Harvest. Unless you can prevent it the Master walks. Buffy: Well, if this Harvest thing is such a suckfest why don't you stop it? Angel: 'Cause I'm afraid. She looks at him for a moment and then spins around quickly, kicking open the doors to the tunnel. She turns back to him. Angel: They'll be expecting you. Buffy: I've got a friend down there. Or at least a potential friend. Do you know what it's like to have a friend? He lowers his eyes as a look of sadness fills them. Buffy: That wasn't supposed to be a stumper. They look at each other a moment longer. Angel: When you h*t the tunnels head east towards the school. That's where you're likely to find them. Buffy: You gonna wish me luck? Angel says nothing. They look at each other for another moment, then Buffy turns and heads into the tunnels. He watches her go. Angel: (whispers) Good luck! ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ Inside the tunnels. Buffy comes down a flight of stairs. She looks around. She hears rats. One crawls across her shoes. She slowly starts down the tunnels. There are lights at intervals. When she reaches an intersection Xander surprises her from behind. Xander: Did you see anything? Buffy: (exhales in fright) Xander, what are you doing here?! Xander: Something stupid. I followed you. Buffy: Well, you... Xander: I couldn't just sit at home and do nothing. Buffy: I understand. Now, go away! Xander: No! Buffy: Xander, you're gonna have to. Xander: Look, Jesse's my bud, okay? If I can help him out, that's what I gotta do. Buffy considers, then nods her head for him to follow. She starts down the tunnel again. Xander: Besides, it's this or chem class. Cut to them reaching the top of some stairs. Xander: Okay, so, crosses, garlic, stake through the heart. Buffy: That'll get it done. Xander: Cool! Of course, I don't actually have any of those things. Buffy: (hands him a cross) Good thinking. Xander: Well, the part of my brain that would tell me to bring that stuff is still busy telling me not to come down here. I have this, though. (turns on a flashlight) Buffy: Turn that off! Xander: (turns it off) Okay! Okay! So, what else? Buffy: What else what? Xander: For vampire slayage. Buffy: Oh, f*re, beheading, sunlight, holy water, the usual. Xander: You've done some beheading in your time? Buffy: Oh, yeah. There was this time I was pinned down by this guy that played left tackle for varsity... Well, at least he used to before he was a vampire... Anyway, he had this really, really thick neck, and all I had was a little, little Exact-O Kn*fe... Xander laughs nervously. Buffy: You're not loving this story. Xander: No, actually, I find it oddly comforting. Cut to the library. Giles is reading from a volume. Giles: 'For they will gather and be gathered. From the Vessel pours life.' P... Pours life... He turns the page back to the picture of Satan feeding power to a man. Giles: 'On the night of the crescent moon, the first past the solstice it will come...' Of course. That's tonight! Cut to the computer lab. Cordelia is struggling with her assignment. Cordelia: No! It's supposed to find the syntax and match it. Or wait... Harmony: Are we going to the Bronze tonight? Cordelia: No, we're going to the other cool place in Sunnydale. Harmony looks confused. Cordelia: Of course we're going to the Bronze. Friday night? No cover? But you should have been there last night. 'Cause I ran into Buffy... Willow overhears the conversation. Cordelia: ...and can she be any weirder? She att*cked me! Do you believe it? Harmony: (exhales) I think we did this part wrong. Cordelia: Why do we have to devise these programs, isn't that what nerds are for? (whispers, indicating Willow) What'd she do? Harmony: (looks at Willow's screen, then back) Uh, she's doing something else. Cordelia: Okay, and then pattern run, right? Or go to end? That's it! Harmony: Maybe! Cordelia: So anyway, I come outta the bathroom, and she comes running at me. Screaming! With a stick! 'I'm gonna k*ll you! I'm gonna k*ll you!' I swear! Boy: Who? Cordelia: Buffy! Harmony: The new girl? Boy: What's her deal? Cordelia: Well, she's crazed. Harmony: Did you hear about her old school? Cordelia and the boy both shake their heads. Harmony: Booted. Cordelia: Well, I exhibit no surprise. Boy: Why was she kicked out? Cordelia: Uh, because she's a psycho loony! Willow: (interrupting) No, she's not. Cordelia: What? Willow: (turns to them) She's not a psycho. You don't even know her. Cordelia: Excuse me? Who gave you permission to exist? Willow turns away, eyes down. Cordelia: Do I horn in on your private discussions? No. Why? Because you're boring. Willow gets up and goes to get her printouts. Harmony: Okay, I think the program's done. Cordelia: Finally the nightmare ends! Okay, so how do we save it? Willow: Deliver. Cordelia: Deliver? Where's that? (searches the keyboard) Oh! She hits the 'Del' key and her program disappears. Cut to the tunnels. Buffy: They're close. Xander: How can you tell? Buffy: No more rats. Xander turns on his flashlight and spots Jesse on the ground. Xander: Jesse! Buffy: Oh, no! Jesse reacts and jumps up. Xander: J-J-Jesse! Jesse: Xander! The two boys embrace. Xander: Jesse, man, are you okay? Jesse: I am not okay, on an *epic* scale. Buffy shines the light on the shackles around Jesse's ankle. Jesse: We gotta get outta here! Xander: It's cool, Buffy's a superhero. Buffy: Hold on... (breaks the shackles) Xander: Do you think anyone heard that? They see shadows moving on the walls and start to run down the tunnel. Vampires come around the corner. Cut to Xander, Buffy and Jesse in another part of the tunnel. Jesse: They knew you were gonna come. They said that I... I was the bait. Xander: Oh, great, now you tell us. They round a corner and are met by vampires. Buffy: Oops! Jesse: Oh, no, no, no, no! Buffy: Do you know another way out? Jesse: I dunno. Maybe. C'mon! They run. At another intersection they see eyes to their right. Jesse: Wait, wait. They brought me through here, there, there should be a way up. I hope! Jesse leads them to a chamber. Buffy: I don't think this is the way out! Xander: We can't fight our way back through those things. What do we do? Jesse: I got an idea. (vamped out) You can die! ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ In the chamber. Xander: Jesse, man. I'm sorry. Jesse: Sorry? I feel good, Xander! I feel strong! I'm connected, man, to everything! Buffy begins struggling with the door, trying to close it. Jesse: I, I can hear the worms in the earth! Xander: That's a plus. Jesse: I know what the Master wants. I'll serve his purpose. That means you die. And I feed. Buffy: (looks back at them) Xander, the cross! He holds the cross up to Jesse's face. Jesse steps back and growls. Xander: Jesse, man. We're buds, don't you remember? Jesse: You're like a shadow to me now. Xander: Then get outta my face. Jesse knocks Xander's arm to the side, making him h*t the wall. He jumps to the other side of the room, facing Xander. Buffy grabs him from behind and throws him out of the chamber into the advancing vampires, knocking them all down, and goes back to trying to close the door. Buffy: (to Xander) Help me! Xander jumps up to help and together they get it to move. They close it on a vampire's arm. The vampire pulls its arm back out of the door and Buffy slams it shut and closes the latch. The vampires begin pounding on the door. Buffy: We need to get out of here! Xander: There is no out of here! Xander uses his flashlight to look around. He spots a grate in the ceiling. Xander: Up there! Buffy leaps on top of a barrel and begins to pry the grate open. The vampires have started to bend in a corner of the door. They twist it and push it in further. Buffy gets the grate open. Buffy: Go! She helps Xander crawl up into a ventilation duct. A vampire starts to struggle through the bent corner of the door. He reaches in and pulls the latch open as Xander gets through the grate. Buffy follows him quickly as the first vampire enters the chamber. He follows them through the grate into the duct. Xander and Buffy crawl like mad. He finds a ladder up to a manhole and starts climbing the rungs. Buffy follows. The vampire is right behind them. Xander pushes open the manhole cover and climbs out into daylight. He turns to help Buffy out. The vampire grabs her ankle and tries to pull her back down. Buffy: Xander, pull! He pulls on her, and the vampire's hand is exposed to the sunlight and burns. The vampire lets go, and they tumble backward to the ground. Cut to the Master's lair. Master: She escaped? She walks free when I should be drinking her heart's blood right now? Careless... Colin: Master, we had her trapped! Master: Oh, are you going to make excuses? Colin remains silent. Master: You are all weak. It has been too long since you have faced the Slayer. Huh. It is no matter to me. She will not stop the Harvest. Just means there'll be someone worth k*lling... when I reach the surface. Is Luke ready? Colin: He waits. Master: It's time. Bring him to me. Colin turns to go get Luke. Master: Ah, Colin... You failed me. Tell me you're sorry. Colin: I'm sorry! Master: There. That wasn't so bad, was it? Hold on... He s*ab his finger into Colin's face. Master: You've got something in your eye. Cut to the library where Giles is still doing his research. He hears someone come in. Giles: Buffy? Willow: It's just me. So there's no word? Giles: Ah, not as yet, no. Willow: Well, I-I'm sure they're... great. Giles: Did you find anything of interest? Willow: I think, maybe... I surfed through the old newspapers around the time of that big earthquake back in '37? And for several months before there were a rash of m*rder. (hands him her printouts) Giles: Great! I-I mean, well, not, not 'great' in a good way, uh, um, uh, go on? Willow: Well, they sound like the kind you were looking for. (flips through the printouts) Throats, blood... (looks squeamish) Giles: It's all coming together. I rather wish it weren't. Cut to the Master's lair. Luke approaches the Master and kneels before him. The Master offers his hand. Luke takes it and kisses it. He releases it and the Master turns it over to offer the underside of his wrist. Darla is watching and smiles. Luke opens the cuff of the Master's sleeve and pulls it back. He takes his hand again, sinks his fangs into the wrist above it and drinks of the blood. He releases the hand, and the Master takes it back. Master: My blood is your blood. My soul is your soul. Luke: My body is your instrument. The Master steps down to Luke and begins to draw a three-pointed star on Luke's forehead with the blood still flowing from his wrist. Master: On this... most hallowed night... we are as one. Luke is the Vessel! Darla smiles even wider. Master: Every soul he takes will feed me. And their souls will grant me the strength to free myself. Tonight I shall walk the Earth, and the stars themselves will hide! Cut to the library. Willow is looking at one of Giles' volumes. She hears the door open and looks up to see Xander and Buffy come in. Willow: Did you find Jesse? Xander: Yeah. Willow: Was he d*ad? Buffy: Worse. (sits down at the end of the table) I'm sorry, Willow. We were too late. And they were waiting for us. Willow: At least you two are okay. Xander kicks a trash can violently. Buffy is startled. Xander: I don't like vampires. I'm gonna take a stand and say they're not good. Buffy: (turns to Giles) So, Giles! Got anything that can make this day any worse? He goes over to the whiteboard and puts down his pen. Giles: How about the end of the world? Buffy: Knew I could count on you. Giles: This is what we know. Some sixty years ago, a very old, very powerful vampire came to this shore, not just to feed. Buffy: He came 'cause this town's a mystical who's it. Giles: Yes. The Spanish who first settled here called it 'Boca del Infierno'. Roughly translated, 'Hellmouth'. It's a sort of, um, portal between this reality and the next. This vampire hopes to open it. Buffy: Bring the demons back. Xander: End of the world. Willow: But he blew it! Or, I mean, there was an earthquake that swallowed half the town, and him, too. Giles: You see, opening dimensional portals is a tricky business. Odds are he got himself stuck, rather like a, uh, cork in a bottle. Xander: And this Harvest thing is to get him out. Giles: It comes once in a century, on this night. The Master can draw power from one of his minions while it feeds. Enough power to break free and open the portal. The minion is called the Vessel, and he bears this symbol. He draws a three-pointed star on the whiteboard. Buffy: So, I dust anyone sporting that symbol, and no Harvest. Giles: Simply put, yes. Buffy: Any idea where this little get-together is being held? Giles: There, there are a number of possibilities. Xander: They're goin' to the Bronze. Willow: Are you sure? Xander: Come on. All those tasty young morsels all over the place? Anyway, that's where Jesse's gonna be, trust me. Giles grabs his coat and starts out of the library. The others begin to follow. Giles: Then we should get there. The sun will be down before long. Buffy: I gotta make a stop. Won't take long. Giles: What for? Buffy: Supplies. Cut to a view of the sun setting above a ridge. Cut to Buffy in her room. She goes to her closet and pulls out a heavy, black jacket. Her mother walks into the room. Joyce: Buffy? Buffy: Mom! Joyce: You're going out? Buffy: I have to. (puts on her jacket) Joyce: I didn't hear you come in last night. Buffy: I was really quiet. Joyce: It's happening again, isn't it? I got a call from your new principal. Says you missed some classes today? Buffy: I was running an errand. Joyce: We haven't finished unpacking, and I'm getting calls from the principal. Buffy: Mom, I promise, it is *not* gonna be like before. But I *have* to go. Joyce: No. Buffy: Mom?! Joyce: The tapes all say I should get used to saying it. No. Buffy: This is really, really important. Joyce: I know. If you don't go out it'll be the end of the world. Everything is life or death when you're a sixteen-year-old girl. Buffy: Look, I don't have time to talk about this... Joyce: Buffy, you've got all the time in the world, you're not going anywhere. Now, if you wanna stay up here and sulk, I won't hold it against you. But if you wanna come down, I'll make us some dinner. She leaves the room, pulling the door closed behind her. Buffy can't believe what just happened. She leans against the closet door, takes a deep breath and exhales. Then she turns and opens the closet again and pulls out a chest. It has a large box in it full of her stuff. She pulls out the box to reveal what's underneath. Stakes, crosses, garlic, bottles of holy water. She pulls a bunch out and puts it in her sports bag. She takes a particularly sharp stake and conceals it in her jacket sleeve. She closes the chest, zips the bag closed and goes over to her door to make sure her mother isn't nearby. Then she grabs the bag, slides it out of the window onto the roof and climbs out after it. Cut to the sun going down over a hill. Cut to the Bronze. The doorman is checking ID's. Cut inside to the upper level. Cordelia and her friends find a table. Cordelia: Senior boys are the only way to go. Guys from our grade, forget about it, they're children. Y'know? (they sit) Like Jesse. Did you see him last night, following me around like a little puppy dog. (they all giggle) You just wanna put him to sleep. But senior boys, hmm, they have mystery. They have... What's the word I'm searching for? Cars! I just am not the type to settle. Y'know? It's like when I go shopping. I have to have the most expensive thing. Not because it's expensive, but because it costs more. Girl: You know, I... Cordelia: Hello, Miss Motormouth, can I get a sentence finished? Oh, I love this song! Come on! Cordelia and her g*ng make their way to the dance floor and start to move to the sound of "Wearing Me Down" by the Dashboard Prophets. Lyrics: You fight the good fight / You fight the good w*r / You fight to be right / You fight to restore / Why should I believe a word that you say / It was just a game that you don't wanna play / And I say / It's wearing me down, I realize / It's all in my head now, now, and I realize / It's not what you've done / As much as what you've said / as what you've said / as what you've said / as what you've said Jesse watches Cordelia from the side. He walks onto the dance floor. The song is over, and Cordelia stops dancing. She starts to leave, but Jesse is standing in front of her, fingers on his lips. Cordelia: Uh, what do you want? Another song, "Ballad For d*ad Friends", starts. Jesse lowers his hand, takes hers and leads her back onto the dance floor. Cordelia: Hey! Hello! Caveman brain! What are you doing? Jesse: Shut up! He begins to dance with her. Cordelia: Well, just one dance. They dance close. Cut to outside where the doorman is counting money. Darla comes out of the shadows in a bouncy walk. She turns around and walks backward while other vampires come into the light behind her. She turns back again and approaches the doorman. They're all sporting their game faces. Lyrics: How are you feelin'? / Do you feel okay? / 'Cause I don't! ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ Outside the Bronze. The vampires head in. Doorman: Need ID. (looks up) Hey! Nobody gets inside until I get some sorta... Luke: (growls in the doorman's face) Get inside. Cut inside. The vampires come in, pushing the doorman in with them. The last one shuts the door and stands guard. Lyrics: How are you feelin'? / Do you feel okay? / 'Cause I don't! One of the vampires makes his way to the upper level. Another one finds the main power switch and shuts it off. The people start complaining and wondering what happened. Luke gets up on the stage. Luke: Ladies and Gentlemen! There is no cause for alarm. Actually, there is cause for alarm. It just won't do any good. There are screams from the crowd as they see Luke's face. He laughs. Cordelia: I thought there wasn't any band tonight. She looks at Jesse next to her. He's got his game face on, and she inhales in fright. Luke: This is a glorious night! It is also the last one any of you shall ever see. Bring me the first. A vampire brings the doorman to Luke. Doorman: What do you guys want, man, huh? You want money? Man, what's wrong with your faces? Luke grabs him by the throat. He wraps his other arm around the doorman's head. Luke: Watch me, people. Fear is like an elixir. It's almost like blood. He bites the doorman and feeds on him. The doorman screams. Cut to the Master in his lair. He raises his head as he feels the first of the souls that will be taken for him. Cut to Luke. He drops the doorman's body. Luke: Next! Cut outside. The team arrives running. Buffy tries the door. Buffy: It's locked! Giles: We're too late! Buffy: I didn't know I was gonna get grounded! Xander: Can you break it down? Buffy: No, not that thing. Um... You guys try the back entrance, and I'll find my own way. Giles: Right. Come on. Buffy: Uh, wait! Guys! Here! (hands Willow her bag) You get the exit cleared and the people out. That's all! Don't go Wild Bunch on me. Giles: Uh, see you inside, then. Giles, Xander and Willow run around to the back. Cut to the back. Willow tries the door. It's locked, too. Willow: No joy! Xander: We've gotta get in there before Jesse does something stupider that usual. Giles: You listen to me! Jesse is d*ad! You have to remember that when you see him, you're not looking at your friend. You're looking at the thing that k*lled him. Cut to the Master, testing his confines. Cut to Luke, feeding on a girl. Cut to the Master. Master: Almost free! Cut to Luke, still feeding on the girl. Cut to the Master. Master: Give me moooooore! Cut to Luke. He's finished with the girl and drops her body. Cut to Darla and Jesse. She wants to take Cordelia to Luke. Jesse: This one's mine! Darla: They're all for the Master. She pulls on Cordelia. Jesse lets go of her. Jesse: I don't get one? Cut to Buffy breaking an upper window and crawling in. Luke: I feel the Master's strength growing! Buffy sees Luke on the stage. Luke: I feel him rising. Every soul brings him closer! I need another! Buffy: (to herself) The Vessel. The vampire on the upper level sees Buffy and growls. She looks over at him. Luke: Tonight is his ascension. Tonight will be history at its end! Yours is a glorious sacrifice! Degradation most holy. What? No volunteers?! Darla: (brings him Cordelia) Here's a pretty one. Cordelia screams when she sees Luke up close. He caresses her face. He's about to bite her when Buffy kicks the vampire down from above them. Luke watches him land with a thud. Buffy approaches the railing. Buffy: Oh, I'm sorry, were you in the middle of something? Luke: You! Buffy: You didn't think I'd miss this. Did you? Luke: I hoped you'd come. Buffy: Be right down! Buffy steps away from the railing and executes a roundoff to get down. She lands on a pool table. A vampire att*cks from her right. Buffy does a front walkover off of the table, grabbing a pool cue on the way. When she lands she thrusts it into her attacker. Buffy: Okay, Vessel boy. (removes her jacket) You want blood? Luke: I want yours! (releases Cordelia) Only yours! Buffy: (shrugs) Works for me. She runs and cartwheels up onto the stage, and immediately launches into a full spinning hook kick. Luke staggers into a pile of chairs. Buffy assumes a fighting position. Luke gets up and growls. He comes at her and swings, but she ducks the punch and comes up behind him. He tries a backhand punch, but she blocks him, holds onto his arm and gives him three roundhouse kicks to his stomach before he shakes loose. She takes her stake and lunges at him. He blocks the lunge, knocking the stake from her grip. He lifts her up and throws her into a pile of boxes. Cut to the back. Giles, Willow and Xander break in. Giles: Hurry! Xander runs in to see what's going on. He sees Buffy is down. She gets up, so Xander turns his attention to the crowd. Xander: (in a low voice) C'mon! Let's go! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! C'mon! Cut to the back. Giles guides the people to the back door. Giles: (whispers) Hurry up! Come on! Through this door! Come on! This way! Cut to the main room. Buffy spins around and lands a backhand punch on Luke's face, knocking him into another pile of stuff. He's dazed. Buffy turns to see a vampire grab Xander. She grabs a cymbal from a drum set and throws it at the vampire like a Frisbee. Xander sees it coming and ducks. The cymbal decapitates the vampire. Xander: Head's up! Buffy can't resist a chuckle. Luke grabs her from behind. Cut to Cordelia on the floor with Jesse above her. She struggles and he grabs her arms. Jesse: Hold still! You're not making this easy! Xander comes up behind him, stake in hand. Xander: Jesse, man! Don't make me do it. Jesse turns to look up at Xander. Jesse: Buddy! Cut to Buffy being held tightly from behind by Luke. Luke: I always wanted to k*ll a Slayer! Cut to the back where Giles and Willow are still guiding people out. Giles: One at a time! Quickly! Quickly! He crosses to the other side of the room in front of some stairs. Darla is standing on the steps above him. Giles: We're going to have to open the front as well! Darla leaps onto him from behind, knocking him to the floor. Cut to Xander and Jesse. Xander: Jesse! I know there's still a part of you in there. Jesse: (jumps up) Okay... Let's deal with this. Jesse was an excruciating loser who couldn't get a date with anyone in the sighted community! Look at me. I'm a new man! Cut to Buffy and Luke. Luke: Master! Taste of this... and be free! Luke roars and moves in to bite Buffy. She senses his proximity and snaps her head back to land a headbutt on his face, knocking him off of her and back to the wall. She turns to him, winded. Buffy: How'd it taste? Cut to Giles and Darla struggling on the floor. Willow approaches them while taking out a jar of holy water. Willow: Get off of him! Darla is distracted and looks up. Willow throws the holy water at her. It burns her face and steams. She gets up and runs from the club, screaming. Cut to Jesse and Xander. Jesse grabs Xander by the jacket and lifts him around against a wall. Xander has the stake pointed at Jesse's chest. Jesse: Ooo! Alright. Put me out of my misery. You don't have the guts. A fleeing patron bumps into Jesse, impaling him on the stake. Xander lets go of the stake and Jesse begins to fall. He turns to ashes before he even hits the floor. Two vampires grab Xander. Cut to Buffy. She grabs a microphone stand and holds it like a javelin. Luke: You forget, metal can't hurt me. Buffy: There's something you forgot about, too. Sunrise! She throws the stand at the window behind Luke. He ducks, and it breaks the window behind him. A bright light pours in through it. Buffy spies the stake she dropped on the stage and picks it up. Luke gets up and shields his face with his hands, expecting to be b*rned. He stops when he realizes it's only a bright lamp. Buffy lunges at him from behind and jams the stake home. Buffy: It's in about nine hours, moron! Luke begins to stagger off of the stage. Cut to the Master. He's testing the strength of his confines. Cut to Luke. He continues to stagger. Cut to the Master. Still testing. Cut to Luke. He falls from the stage and turns to ash. Cut to the Master. He feels Luke's death and falls to his knees. Master: Noooooooo! Noooooooo! Cut to Buffy. She stares at Luke's ashes. The two vampires still have Xander. She lifts her gaze to meet theirs. The vampires panic and run. Cut outside. The vampires run past Angel standing behind some boxes stacked against a wall. He watches them run. He looks back the other way. Angel: She did it! I'll be damned! He walks away. Cut inside to the stage. Buffy hops down to the floor. Giles and Willow meet her. Giles: I take it it's over. Willow: Did we win? Buffy: Well, we averted the apocalypse. I give us points for that. Xander: One thing's for sure: nothing's ever gonna be the same. Cut to Sunnydale High the next Monday. Everything appears normal. Buffy walks along and overhears Cordelia. Cordelia: Well, I heard it was rival gangs. You know, fighting for turf? But all I can tell you is they were an ugly way of looking. And Buffy, like, knew them! Which is just too weird. I mean, I don't even remember that much, but I'm telling you, it was a freak show! Girl: Oh, I wish I'd been there! Cordelia: You should have been there. It was so creepy... She and her friend walk off. Buffy meets Xander. Buffy: What exactly were you expecting? Xander: I don't know, something. I mean, the d*ad rose. We should at least have an assembly. They run into Giles and Willow, and the four continue to walk. Giles: People have a tendency to rationalize what they can and forget what they can't. Buffy: Believe me, I've seen it happen. Willow: Well, I'll never forget it, none of it. Giles: Good! Next time you'll be prepared. Xander: Next time? Willow: Next time is why? Giles: We've prevented the Master from freeing himself and opening the mouth of Hell. That's not to say he's going to stop trying. I'd say the fun is just beginning. Willow: More vampires? They stop walking. Giles: Not just vampires. The next thr*at we face may be something quite different. Buffy: I can hardly wait! Giles: We're at the center of a mystical convergence here. We may, in fact, stand between the Earth and its total destruction. Buffy: Well, I gotta look on the bright side. Maybe I can still get kicked out of school! The three students continue to class. Giles stays behind and watches them go. Xander: Oh, yeah, that's a plan. 'Cause lots of schools aren't on Hellmouths. Willow: Maybe you could blow something up. They're really strict about that. Buffy: I was thinking of a more subtle approach, y'know, like excessive not studying. Giles turns to go back to his library. Giles: The Earth is doomed! The End

{"type": "series", "show": "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "episode": "01x02 - The Harvest"}

foreverdreaming

~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~ In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. Sunnydale High School. Cut to the library. Giles: (upset) This is madness! What can you have been thinking? You are the Slayer! Lives depend upon you! (begins pacing) I make allowances for your youth, but I expect a certain amount of responsibility, and instead of which you enslave yourself to this, this... (stops pacing) Cult? Buffy: (wearing a cheerleader outfit) You don't like the color? Giles: I d... (exasperated) Do you, um... (puts some books on a cart) Do you ignore everything I say as a, as a rule? Buffy: No, I believe that's your trick. Giles pushes the cart to the counter. Buffy skips in front of him and poses. Buffy: I told you, I'm trying out for the cheerleading squad! Giles: You have a sacred birthright, Buffy. You were chosen to destroy vampires, not to... wave pompoms at people. And as the Watcher I forbid it. (goes back to the table) Buffy: And you'll be stopping me how? Giles: Well, I... (sits on the edge of the table and crosses his arms) By appealing to your common sense, if such a creature exists. Buffy: I will still have time to fight the forces of evil, okay? I just wanna have a life, I wanna do something normal. Something safe. Cut to the witch's attic. The camera moves through the dark space. There are flowers and herbs hanging upside down from the rafters to dry and personal items with tags. The witch moves around in the darkness. The camera follows her to the cauldron. She waves a pendant on a chain over the brew, then pulls it back. She goes over to a rack and yanks off a doll hanging there by its neck on a wire. Cut to the gym. Cheerleader tryouts are about to start. Girls are stretching and practicing, doing back handsprings, cartwheels and walking handstands. One girl does a roundoff followed by a back handspring. Buffy, Willow and Xander come through the door. Willow: Giles didn't approve, huh? Buffy: He totally lost his water. We haven't seen a vampire in over a week. I'd say he should get a girlfriend if he wasn't so old. Willow: Well, we're behind you. Xander: People scoff at things like school spirit, but look at these girls giving their all like this! He notices Amber doing the splits between two chairs. Xander: Ooo, stretchy! Where was I? Willow: You were pretending that seeing scantily clad girls in revealing postures was a spiritual experience. Xander: Who said I was pretending? (to Buffy) Oh, hey! Here's a good luck thing for tryouts. (hands her a bracelet) Buffy: What's this? Willow: What's that? Buffy: Oh, how sweet! (reads the inscription) 'Yours Always.' Xander: I-i-it came that way, really, they all said that! Willow: (exhales) Cordelia: (approaches them) Just look at that Amber. Who does she think she is, a Laker Girl? Willow: I heard she turned them down. Joy, the cheerleading squad leader, steps up with her clipboard and calls for everyone's attention. Joy: Okay, listen up! Let's begin with (checks her clipboard) Amber Grove. If you're not auditioning, move off the floor. Willow: (to Amy) Amy! Hi! Amy: (comes over) Hi! Willow: I didn't know you wanted to be a cheerleader! You lost a lot of weight. Amy: Had to. Willow: Do you know Buffy? Amy: Hi. Buffy: Hi. Amy: Oh, how I hate this, let me count the ways. Amber begins her routine. It's very athletic. She starts off with a needle split lift followed by a double spin and a jumping double spin. After landing, Amber launches herself into an aerial and a cartwheel. Jazz slides are then followed by a single spin. Everyone in the gym is intent on watching her. Amy: (to Buffy) She trained with Benson. He's one of the best coaches money can buy. Buffy: They have cheerleading coaches? Amy: Oh, yeah! Don't you have? I train with my mom, three hours in the morning, three at night. Buffy: Hmm, that much quality time with my mom would probably lead to some quality matricide. Amy: Oh, I know it's hokey. But she's really great. Cordelia turns away from Amber with a look of contempt on her face. Cordelia: Hmm! Buffy and Xander watch Amber in amazement. Amy and Willow are impressed, too. Amber's hands begin to smoke. Buffy: What the...? Willow: That girl's on f*re! Cordelia: (facing away, not seeing the smoke) Enough of the hyperbole! Amber's hands catch f*re. She drops her pompoms and screams. Buffy reacts. Amber flails her hands in the air. Buffy jumps up onto the stands and pulls down a banner. She runs back to Amber, knocks her down and snuffs out the flames with the banner. Everyone stares in shock. Buffy: (trying to comfort Amber) It's okay, it's okay, you're gonna be... okay. (to herself) God! Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Buffy is pacing. Willow and Xander are sitting at the table. Buffy: I've been slaying vampires for more than a year now, and I have seen some pretty cringeworthy things, but... nobody's hands ever got toasted before. Giles: (comes out of the cage) I imagine not. Buffy: So, this isn't a vampire problem. Giles: No. Buffy: (turns to Giles) But it is funky, right? Not of the norm? Giles: Quite. Spontaneous human combustion is, is rare, and, and scientifically unexplainable, but there have been cases for hundreds of years. Usually all that's left is a pile of ashes. Willow: That's all that would have been left if it hadn't been for Buffy. Xander: So, we have no idea what caused this. That's a comfort. Giles: But that's the thrill of living on the Hellmouth! (sits on the edge of the table) There's a veritable cornucopia of, of fiends and devils and, and ghouls to engage. (everyone looks at him) Pardon me for finding the glass half full. Buffy: Any common denominators in cases of spontaneous combustion? Giles: Uh, rage. In most cases the person who combusted was, was terribly angry or, or upset. Xander: So maybe Amber's got this power to make herself be on f*re. It's like the human torch, only it hurts. Buffy: I need to get the skinny on Amber. Find out if she's had any colorful episodes before. (starts to go) Willow: That means hacking illegally into the school's computer system. At last, something *I* can do! She and Xander get up and go over to Buffy. Xander: I'll ask around about her. Buffy: You guys don't have to get involved. Xander: What d'ya mean? We're a team! Aren't we a team? Willow: Yeah! You're the Slayer, and we're, like, the Slayerettes! Buffy: I just don't like putting you guys in danger. Xander: Oh, huh, I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away. Buffy: Okay, just walk softly, at least until we know a little more. I mean, what if Amber isn't causing these problems herself? Giles: Well, then we have to determine who or what did, and, uh, deal with it accordingly. Cut to the kitchen at the Summers house. There are several wooden boxes and crates. Joyce is trying to pry one open with a crowbar. Buffy comes in. Buffy: Hey! Joyce: Hi, how was school? Buffy: Mm, a reverent joy. What's all this? Joyce: It's for the tribal art display. Buffy: Cool! (examines a piece) We had tryouts today. Joyce: Oh, great! How'd it go? (exhales) Buffy: I didn't actually get to try out. There was an accident. Pretty fierce competition, though. Joyce: Oh, I know you'll do fine. Keep on pluggin', just have to get back on the horse. Buffy: Mom? Joyce: Yeah? Buffy: What was I trying out for? Joyce: Oh, uh... (stops prying at the crate and looks at Buffy) Some activity? I have no idea, I'm sorry. Buffy: That's okay. Your platitudes are good for all occasions. Joyce: (exhales) I'm distracted. (starts prying again and exhales) Got a lotta inventory to go through, here. (exhales) This is my Gallery's first major show. (exhales and gives up) You know, it might not physically k*ll you to give me a hand here. (goes to check her clipboard) Buffy grabs the lid of the crate and effortlessly tears it off. Buffy: It was cheerleading. Joyce: Oh good! I'm glad you're taking that up again, it'll keep you out of trouble. Buffy: I'm not *in* trouble. Joyce: No, not yet. Buffy is hurt. Her mother looks up from her clipboard and notices. Joyce: I mean, you stopped cheerleading just before the trouble, so it's good you're going back. She goes back to the crate and partially lifts out a statue. Joyce: Oh, dear. Buffy: What? Joyce: The fertility statue, you don't need to see it. She replaces the crate's lid and goes back to her clipboard. Buffy: Y'know, there's this girl, Amy, and, um, she trains with her mom, like, three hours a day. Joyce: Uh-huh. Buffy: Sounds like her mom's pretty into it. Joyce: Sounds like her mom doesn't have a lot to do. She walks out of the kitchen with a piece of art. Buffy lifts the crate's lid a little bit and looks in. Buffy: Jeepers! Cut to the gym the next day. Tryouts have resumed. Joy: (pacing) Despite the terrible thing that happened yesterday we still have to pick new cheerleaders. If you make the team you'll find your names posted in the quad after lunch. Let's begin with group performance. Amy: (to Buffy) Why do my hands have to sweat when I get nervous? Buffy: (to Amy) Don't worry. You'll do great. Joy: (loudly) Five, six, seven, eight! All: Sunnydale! Sunnydale! We never fail! We never fail! Jump and sh**t! Swish and score! The other team is such a bore! Yeah! Amy blows the cartwheel and crashes into Cordelia. Cordelia yelps as she falls and then quickly gets up. Cordelia: You saw that, right? That wasn't me! You saw that, right? (looks at Amy and back again) Right? Cut to the halls. Amy is admiring the trophies in the case with a longing look. Buffy comes up next to her. Amy notices her, smiles and points to a picture in the case. Amy: That's my mom! Buffy: No! (reads the inscription) Catherine Madison. Get down with your bad self! Amy: Her nickname was 'Catherine the Great'. She took that team and made them tri-county champions. Y'know, no one's ever done that before, or since. She and my dad were Homecoming King and Queen. They got married right after graduation. Buffy: That's kinda romantic. Amy: Well, he was a big loser. Never made any money. Ran off with Miss Trailer Trash when I was twelve. Buffy: Okay, that part's less romantic. My folks split up, too. Amy: Drag, huh? Uh, he left my mom with nothing. She put herself through cosmetology school. (smiles) Bought me everything I ever wanted. (shakes her head) And never once gained a single pound. Buffy: (walks around to face Amy) Uh, she sounds really great, Amy, but, um... it doesn't mean that you need to lock step as far as this cheerleading thing. Amy: She was the best! And I can't get my body to *move* like hers! I choked in there so bad! Buffy: No, Amy, you did fine. Amy: (dejected) I'm gonna get changed. Buffy: Wait! No... Willow: (walking by) Hey, Amy! (comes over to Buffy) Is she okay? Buffy: No, she's, she's wiggin' about her mom, big cheer queen back when. Willow: Yeah, her mom's kinda... Buffy: ...n*zi like? Willow: Heil. If she gains an ounce she padlocks the fridge and won't eat anything but broth. Buffy: So, mommy dearest is really... Mommy Dearest? Willow: There's a bitter streak. But Amy's nice. We used to hang in Junior High. When her mom would go on a broth kick Amy'd come over to my house and we'd stuff ourselves with brownies! They start down the hall. Buffy: Hey, any word on Amber? Willow: Nothing thrilling. Average student. Got detention once, for smoking. Regular smoking... with a cigarette, not, like, being smoky. Buffy: Hmm. Willow: All pretty normal. Buffy: So we just have to wait and we'll see what happens. Maybe nothing will. Cut to the girls' locker room. The camera shows the showers dripping. Cut to a row of lockers. The camera follows them around a corner to Amy alone at her locker. She hears a noise and turns to look. Nothing. The showers keep dripping. Amy closes her locker and starts to go, but is surprised by Cordelia. Cordelia: I have a dream. It's me on the cheerleading squad, adored by every varsity male as far as the eye can see! We have to achieve our dreams, Amy. Otherwise we... wither and die! Amy: Look, I'm sorry about... Cordelia: (cuts Amy off) Shhh! If your supreme klutziness out there today takes me out of the running, you're gonna be so *very* beyond sorry! (smiles) Have a nice day. Cordelia turns and leaves. She throws her scrunchie into an open locker and slams the door as she rounds the corner, but it doesn't stay shut. Amy leans on her locker, apparently shaken. Cut outside. Willow and Xander are walking. Willow: I told Buffy about Amber. Xander: Cool! Was she wearin' it? The bracelet, she was wearin' it, right? Pretty much like we're goin' out. Willow: Except without the hugging or kissing or her knowing about it. Xander: So I'm just a figure of fun. (exhales) I should ask her out, right? Willow: You won't know till you ask. Xander: That's why you're so cool! You're like a guy! You're my guy friend that knows about girl stuff! Willow: Oh, great. I'm a guy. Xander: Oh, hey, they're posting the list! He runs off to check the list of names for the cheerleading squad. Cut to the crowd in front of the bulletin board. Buffy and Amy are at the back. A girl rushes away in tears because her name is not on the list. Amy: I can't take this. Joy steps away from posting the list on the bulletin board. Lishanne sees her name on the list. Lishanne: Yes! Xander comes up behind Buffy and Amy. Xander: Cover me, I'm goin' in. He pushes his way through the crowd and looks at the list. Cordelia comes out of the crowd. Cordelia: (to Amy) You're lucky! Amy: I made it? Cordelia: I made it! Xander comes back out of the crowd and gets h*t on the way. Xander: One of those girls h*t me really hard! You should test for steroids. Okay, not only did you make the team, but you, Miss Summers, are the first alternate, and Amy's number three. Amy looks at Buffy, badly disappointed, and leaves. Xander: And what a better way to celebrate than with a romantic drive through... Willow: Xander, alternates are the ones who didn't make the team, they only fill in if something happens to the ones who did. Buffy: Excuse me. (goes to console Amy) Xander: For I am Xander, King of Cretins. May all lesser cretins bow before me. Buffy: (catches up with Amy) At least it's over. And you know what I think we should do about it? Brownie pigout, my house, after school. Amy: It's just how many more hours a day can I practice? Y'know, how much more can I do? This would never happen to my mother. Never. She walks off. Buffy stares after her. Cut to Amy's house. The camera closes in on the brickwork outside of the attic. Cut inside the attic. The camera pans from the wall across a bunch of tagged personal items that she's taken from people. Cut to the cauldron. Amy stirs the pot. Amy: Give me the power. Give me the dark. She goes to get another doll from her rack. Amy: I call on you, the laughing gods. She yanks one of the dolls off of the rack. Amy: Let your blackness crawl beneath my skin. She wraps Cordelia's scrunchie around the doll's head. Amy: Accept thy sacrifice... of Cordelia. Feed on her. She drops the doll into the brew. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ The Summers kitchen. The toaster pops up and Buffy takes out a freshly toasted half of a bagel. She takes it to the island in the middle of the kitchen for more preparation. Her mother comes in. Joyce: Look what I found. It's my yearbook from junior year. Oh, look! There I am. She puts the book down on the island and goes to get a cup of coffee. Buffy looks at the picture. Buffy: Mom, I've accepted that you've had sex. I am not ready to know that you had Farrah hair. Joyce: This is Gidgit hair. Don't they teach you anything in history? Buffy: Well, it's really cool, but I gotta book. Joyce: Well, I was thinking. I know the cheerleading thing didn't work out... Maybe you should think about joining the yearbook staff. I did, it was a lot of fun. Buffy: Not really my tip, mom. (opens the refrigerator) Joyce: I was, uh, photo editor. I got to be on every page, made me look much more popular than I was. Buffy: And have you seen the kids that do yearbook? Nerds pick on them. (walks to her bag) Joyce: Some of the best times I had in school were working on the yearbook! Buffy: (faces her mom) Oh, this just in: I'm not you! I'm into my own thing. Joyce: Your own thing, whatever it is, got you kicked out of school, and we had to move here to find a decent school that would take you! Buffy is hurt. She takes her bag and starts to go. Joyce: Honey, uhhh... (Buffy leaves) Uhhh! Great parenting form! Little shaky on the dismount. Cut to the hall at school. Cordelia walks past Willow and Xander in a daze. Xander: Cordelia, you haven't been mean to me all day. Is it something I've done? (to Willow) Okay, see how she has no clue that I'm even a mammal, much less a human being? Willow: (takes the pen from her mouth) I see that. Xander: This is the invisible man syndrome. A blessing in Cordelia's case. A curse in Buffy's. Willow: (closes her locker) You're not invisible to Buffy. She chews on her pen some more as they start to walk down the hall. Xander: It's worse! I'm just like a part of the scenery, like an old shoe. Or a rug that you walk on every day but don't even really see it. Willow: (takes her pen out of her mouth) Like a pen that's all chewed up, and you know you should throw it away, but you don't, not 'cause you like it so much, more 'cause you're just used to... Xander: Will, yeah, that is the point, you don't have to drive it through my head like a railroad spike. I'm gonna take your advice and not b*at around the bush. Willow: Or I could be wrong! Maybe you should b*at around the bush more. Xander: Nah, I gotta be a man and ask her out. Y'know, I gotta stop giving her ID bracelets, uh, subtle innuendoes, taking Polaroids outside of her bedroom window late at night that last part is a joke to relieve the tension because here she comes. Buffy comes out of a classroom and walks toward them. Xander: Okay, into battle I go. (quickly turns to Willow) Would you ask her out for me? He grabs her by the shoulders, startling her. Buffy sees Cordelia trying to work the combination on a locker. Xander pulls himself together. Xander: No. Man. (lets go of Willow) Me battle. (to Buffy) Buffy! Would you like to, uh... Buffy: (reaches Willow and Xander) Is that even Cordelia's locker? They see Cordelia give up and continue down the hall. Xander: Huh? Oh, I don't know. What I'm saying is accompany me Friday night... Buffy: (watching Cordelia go and cutting him off) Xander, I have to, um... (faces him) We can make this up later. You don't mind do you? She gives him her book and follows Cordelia. Xander whistles like the sound of a b*mb falling and exploding. Willow looks at him and continues chewing on her pen. Cut outside. Buffy comes out of the hall and looks around for Cordelia. She sees her and starts to follow. Cut to Mr. Pole, the Driver's Ed. Teacher. He's waiting impatiently for Cordelia. He turns and sees her coming. Mr. Pole: Nice of you to join us, Cordelia. We didn't keep you waiting or anything, did we? It's your turn to drive. Okay, people, let's buckle up. Cordelia: (goes around the front of the car) I don't wanna drive today, Mr. Pole. Mr. Pole: You've flunked Driver's Ed. twice already. Show me some moves, or you'll be taking the bus to college. He gets in the car. Cordelia gets in last. Buffy watches from behind a school bus. Mr. Pole: Okay. Check the brake. Check the mirror. Start the engine. Cordelia turns the key and the engine starts. Mr. Pole: Hello? Put the car in drive. Cordelia struggles with the shifting lever. Mr. Pole: Let's move forward through the cones with a gentle even turn to the... The car takes off backward, crashes into some signs and stops. Cordelia gets it in drive and the car races forward, burning rubber. Mr. Pole: Slow down. Slow, slow, turn right! Turn right! Cordelia loses control as the car races along the course, knocking down cones and signs. Buffy begins running after them. Mr. Pole: Brakes! Brakes! The car crashes through the fence and bushes, out onto the street where it comes to a sudden halt. Another car just manages to swerve around them. Mr. Pole: Everybody out! They all get out. Cordelia is in a daze, and she walks into the middle of the street. A delivery van is coming the other way, but it doesn't slow down. Buffy comes running. Cordelia turns to see the van coming and screams. Buffy leaps over the Driver's Ed. car and grabs Cordelia, pulling her down and out of the way. The van takes out the open car door as Buffy and Cordelia roll to a stop. Cordelia: Oh, my God, I, I can't see anything! Buffy: It's, it's okay, it's... (sees Cordelia's eyes) Oh God! Cordelia: What's happening? I can't see anything! Her eyes have no more irises and are completely white. Cut to the library. The team is sitting at the table. Giles: Witchcraft. Blinding your enemy to disorient and disable them is, it's classic! Xander: First vampires, now witches. No wonder you can still afford a house in Sunnydale. Giles: Why should someone want to harm Cordelia? Willow: Maybe because they met her? Did I say that? Giles: And setting Amber ablaze? Xander: Yeah, those guys don't hang... Buffy: They're both cheerleaders. Giles: Someone doesn't like cheerleading. Buffy: Or likes it too much. Willow: Amy! Buffy: Amy! Xander: So, you guys are leaning towards Amy? Buffy: She's desperate to get on that team, and I've got this feeling she'd do just about anything to make her mom's dream come true. Giles: Uh, let me make sure I have this right. This witch is casting horrible and disfiguring spells so that she can become a cheerleader? Buffy: I think you're underestimating the amount of pressure a parent can lay on you. If you're not a picture perfect carbon copy they tend to wig. Willow: Cheerleading was kind of her mom's last hurrah. Xander: Look, we still have to stop Amy. We should grab her and... Giles: (interrupts) I think we should be sure she's the witch before we arouse her suspicions. She's, she's capable of some fairly unpleasant things. Buffy: Okay, alright, (gets up) so, you're in high school, you are desperate to make the team and please your mom, so you turn to witchcraft. What's the first thing you're gonna do? Willow: Check out the books on witchcraft! She and Buffy go over to the computer to access the on-line library card catalog. Xander: Uh, no! No, that would be the last thing you would do! You don't wanna leave a paper trail. Forget that! Willow: It'll just take a minute. Xander gets up and stands behind them. Xander: We don't have a minute! Cheerleaders are in danger. Buffy's in danger. (to Buffy) You were the first alternate, you are on the team now that Cordelia's out. You could be next. We gotta get you to a safe house. Willow: Xander... Xander: Yeah. Willow: (exhales) 'Witches: Historic Roots to Modern Practice.' Checked out by Alexander Harris. Buffy: 'The Pagan Rites', checked out by Alexander... Xander: Alright, alright, it's not what you think. Willow: You like to look at the semi-nude engravings? Xander: Oh, well, uh, I-I guess it *is* what you think. Giles: Have you all quite finished? We have to find a conclusive test. There may be something in here... (pages through a book) Yes, this should do it. You'll need some of her hair, a little quicksilver and some aquafortis. Willow: Well, that's just mercury and nitric acid. You can get that in the science lab. Giles: (reads) 'Heat ingredients and apply to witch, and if a spell has been cast in the previous 48 hours, witch's skin turns blue.' Hmm. (shuts the book) Oh, and you'll need some Eye of Newt. Cut to science class. The camera shows Dr. Gregory holding a frog as reflected in a mirror propped up on a stick above him. It pans down to show him holding the frog up for the class to see. Dr. Gregory: Those of you in track one may begin your dissections... now. He indicates where the students should cut their frogs. Cut to Xander trying to take his frog's eye out with tweezers. Dr. Gregory: Those of you in track two (cut to him) take your hydrochloric acid and your ammonium hydroxide and carefully pour them into your beakers. He begins to pour. Cut to Xander still struggling with the frog's eye. Dr. Gregory: Now slow, slow... Xander: I can't. Willow grabs the frog and takes out its eye. Dr. Gregory: ...capping one, I'm being safe. And you get... Willow: (drops the eye into the beaker) Eye of Newt! Cut to Dr. Gregory. The ingredients in the beaker react and begin to bubble and smoke. Dr. Gregory: ...that. Cut to Xander. Xander: How's Buffy doing with the hair? They look toward Buffy. Cut to Lishanne at another lab table. Lishanne: (to Buffy) Isn't this exciting! Buffy: Oh, yeah! (to Amy) Amy, help me. Um, which is the hydrochloric acid and which is the, uh, ammonium hydroxide? Amy: Well, the bottle that says 'hydrochloric acid' is usually the hydrochloric acid. Buffy: Read the bottles. Good concept! (laughs nervously and drops her pencil) Oops. She crouches down to pick up the pencil. She reaches into Amy's bag and pulls some hair off of her brush. She gets up and tries to pretend nothing happened. She glances at Amy to gauge her reaction. Amy smiles back weakly. She noticed but pretends she didn't. Buffy waves her pencil and smiles back. She heads back to her lab table with an expression of relief at having avoided a close call. She puts the hair on Willow's bench as she walks by. Willow picks up the hair and mixes it into the concoction. Amy looks back at them to see what they're doing. Willow and Xander look back nervously. Xander: (in a low voice) Wave 'Hi' to the nice little witch! Amy overhears and gives them another quick look. Willow takes the beaker and pours some of the liquid into a test-tube. Willow: All set. (hands the tube to Buffy) Do you have a plan? Buffy: Spill it on her. Try 'n' make it look natural. Xander: We're right behind you, only... further back. Buffy slowly makes her way over to Amy. Dr. Gregory: Lishanne, can you tell me why these chemicals have this reaction? Buffy pours some of the mixture onto Amy's arm and feigns an accident, drawing in her breath. She sees the liquid turn blue on contact. Dr. Gregory: Lishanne? Amy apparently didn't notice the spill. She's looking over at Lishanne. Dr. Gregory: Are you... Oh, my God! Buffy looks over at Lishanne now, too, and sees her shaking her head violently. She turns to the camera and everyone sees that she no longer has a mouth. Buffy stares in amazement. She looks back at Amy, who looks amazed, too. Willow and Xander are also stunned. Cut to the halls. Buffy, Willow and Xander are discussing the result of their experiment. Xander: Did you see? Amy was as freaked out as the rest of us. Willow: So it's not her? Buffy: The test was positive! She's our Sabrina. I just don't think she realizes what she's doing. Willow: Well, should we talk to her? Buffy: Maybe we should talk to her mother. I wonder if *she* knows what she's created. Cut to Amy's house. She walks through the gate with determination. The gate has a gargoyle face on it. She comes into the house and looks around for her mother. Amy: Where are you? Cut to Catherine. She quickly turns off the TV and gets up. Amy sees her. Amy: Another productive day in front of the TV? Catherine just looks back. Amy: I got a history report due tomorrow. (drops her bag) Write it! Catherine can only keep looking and exhales. Amy: (considers) I should be on that team by now. But instead Miss *Buffy* and friends are sneaking around stealing bits of my hair. Catherine shakes her head. Amy opens her hand and out drops Buffy's bracelet. Amy: I'll be upstairs. Catherine watches her go. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The next morning in Buffy's room. It's a bit of a mess. The camera pans through it and stops on Buffy still sleeping. The alarm clock goes off. She slaps it with her hand hard enough to smash it with her strength. Buffy: Oh! Oops! Oh... (sits up) Mm... Cut to the kitchen. Joyce is making fresh-squeezed orange juice. Buffy comes dancing in singing and wearing her cheerleader outfit. Buffy: Macho, macho, man! I want to be a macho man. Macho... Oh, hey, juice! (grabs the glass and drinks) Mm... Quality juice. Not from concentrate! Joyce: (glances at Buffy) You're in a good mood. Buffy: I am! I'm on the squad, which is great, 'cause I feel like cheering and leading others to cheer. Ooo, hey, juice! Buffy takes the second glass and drinks again. Joyce: Listen, honey, about yesterday, I really... Buffy: Mm! That is totally yester. Besides, it's not like you were wrong, y'know. I did get kicked outta school. I'm just wacky that way! Joyce: Still, I just want you to know that, despite the problems you've had, I really... Buffy: (cuts her off) Mom, you just don't get it. And, believe me, you don't want it. Y'know, there are just some things about being a Vampire Slayer that the older generation... Joyce: A what? Buffy: It's a... long story. Joyce: Buffy, are you feeling well? Buffy: What? Oh, I'm, I'm fine, y'know? What, like, I can't be in a good mood? Is it, like, a new house rule? Fine, y'know? It's just fine, fine, fine, 'cause... I'm a macho, macho man! I want to be a macho man! (bobs her head) Macho, macho man! (leaves the kitchen) I want to be a macho man! Cut to the gym for cheerleading practice. Buffy is positioned next to Joy in the lineup. Joy: (loudly) Five, six, seven, eight! The cheerleaders begin practicing a routine. Buffy: Turn up the music! The routine continues until Buffy stomps on Joy's foot. Joy: (yells) Ow! Get it together Buffy! We have a game in less than four hours! Xander and Willow come in. Buffy: (jumping gleefully) Willow! Xander! My buds are here! I love my buds! Hi! (notices everyone staring) Hi... Oh... She gets back in line and the routine continues. Xander: (to Willow) Is it me, or is Buffy a bit looped? Willow casts a worried gaze. The cheerleaders continue with a series of assisted cartwheels. Willow: We better get her outta there. Xander: Yeah, before she... Buffy overthrows Joy's aerial, sending her crashing into the gym wall. Xander: ...hurts someone. Ay... Joy gets up as Buffy comes running over. Buffy: Did I do that? Joy: (pushes Buffy) You are *so* out of here! Willow and Xander come running up and each grab one of Buffy's arms. Willow: It's not her fault! Xander: She's on medication. Buffy: (to Xander) What? Joy: Well, obviously not enough. Who's our next alternate? Oh. Amy, you just made cheerleader. Buffy: No, no, no. You don't want her, she's a wi... Xander quickly puts his hand over Buffy's mouth. Xander: A wise choice indeed! He and Willow pull Buffy away, nodding and casting nervous smiles at Amy and Joy. Amy stares after them. Cut to the hall outside the gym. Willow and Xander are supporting Buffy between them as they come down the hall. Buffy: She's a witchy! Willow: Buffy... Buffy: I just got kicked off the team, didn't I? Xander: I don't think it was your fault. Buffy: Hmm, I know you don't, that's 'cause you're my friend. You're my Xander-shaped friend! (leans her head on his shoulder) Do you have any idea why I love you so, Xander? Willow: We gotta to get her to a... Xander: (stops Willow with a gesture) Let her speak! Buffy: I'll tell you! You're not like other boys at all. Xander: Well... Buffy: You are totally, and completely one of the girls! (to Willow) I'm that comfy with him. Willow smiles widely. Xander: That's great. Buffy: Any other guy who'd give me a bracelet, they'd... wanna date me, and be like a... She begins to feel woozy. Buffy: Oh! I, I don't feel so good. Willow: Buffy? Buffy collapses into their arms. Cut to the library. Buffy is lying prone in a chair with a wet cloth on her forehead. Willow supports her head and keeps the cloth in place with her hand. Willow: We've gotta get her to a hospital! Giles: They can't help her. This is a bloodstone vengeance spell. (takes her pulse) Hits the body hard like a, a quart of alcohol, and then it e-eradicates the, uh, immune system. Xander: A vengeance spell, like she's trying to get even with Buffy? Buffy: 'Cause she knows I know she's a witch. Giles: The others she just wanted out of the running. You she intends to, um... Buffy: k*ll? Willow: How much time do we have? Giles: Oh, uh, I'm sure, uh... Buffy: Truth. Please. Giles: Couple of hours... Three at most. Xander: Well, how do we reverse the spell? Giles: (gets up) Well I, I've been researching that, and, uh, we can reverse all the spells if, um... (takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes) ...we can just lay our hands on, on Amy's spell book. Willow: And if we can't get a hold of it? Giles: Well, the other way is to cut the witch's head off. (puts his glasses back on) Xander: Show of hands! (raises his hand) Buffy: It's not Amy's fault. She only became a witch to survive her mother. Xander: (to Buffy) Look, I don't care why, I just care that you go on breathing. Buffy: Giles, where would she be casting these spells? Giles: Oh, she needs a, a sacred space. A-a-a pentagram, um, large pot. Buffy: Her home. Okay. Help me up. Xander and Willow help her up. Buffy: We'll just go to her house and we'll get her book. Willow: Okay, we'll go with you. Buffy: Uh, no! You guys stay here and keep an eye on Amy. Giles: (takes Buffy from them) And keep her away from the science lab. We'll need it to cast our counter-spells. He and Buffy go. Willow and Xander look at each other. Xander exhales. Cut to Giles' old car pulling up to Amy's house. Cut inside. Catherine has a plate of brownies on her lap and takes a bite of one. Giles knocks. She looks up, startled. Giles knocks some more. Buffy looks very tired and out of it. Catherine slides the plate under the coffee table and gets up. Giles knocks again. Catherine opens the door. Catherine: Who are you? Wha, um, uh, is there something wrong? Giles: Mrs. Madison, we need to talk to you about your daughter. Catherine: I'm not allow... You'll have to come back later. She tries to close the door, but Giles prevents her and pushes his way in. Giles: Excuse me! Catherine: What? Giles: (turns to help Buffy) You alright? (looks for a place to sit her down) Um, in here. (leads Buffy into the living room) Your daughter is meddling with something very dangerous, are you aware of that? (sits Buffy on the couch) Catherine: Uh, I don't know what you're talking about. Giles: Oh, I think you know only too well. Catherine: You've got to go. She's gonna be home soon, and you... Giles: (indicates Buffy) This girl is very sick. (very angry) Now you will shut up and you will listen to me! Your daughter has access to some very powerful magics, and somehow your obsession with cheerleading has made... Catherine: (interrupts, incredulous) I don't care about cheerleading! It's not my fault she's doing stuff. Buffy sees the brownies and begins to realize who Catherine really is. Giles: As her mother you should assume some responsibility for her actions. Catherine: (laughs) Well, you know, these kids today! I... (calms down a bit) She's out of her mind. Ever since dad, her dad... left I can't control her. Buffy slowly gets up. Giles: You're afraid of her? Buffy: Amy? Catherine looks at Buffy and realizes she's been found out. Giles looks at Buffy, still puzzled. Buffy: Are you Amy? Giles: (looks back at Catherine) I don't understand. Buffy: She switched! She switched your bodies, didn't she? Catherine looks down, defeated. Giles: (the truth dawns on him) Good Lord! Buffy: She wanted to relive her glory days! Catherine: (looks back up) She said I was wasting my youth. So she took it! ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The living room at Amy's house. The camera pans to them sitting on the couch. Catherine: I didn't know anything about her powers. I mean, when dad was here they would fight and yell and he would... call her a witch and... I mean, I would, just thought he meant... Oh, God, when he left I wanted to go with him. But she wouldn't even let me call. She went crazy, I mean, she'd lock herself upstairs for days, and she was always coming down on me, telling me I didn't deserve to have it so easy, and that I didn't know... how hard it was to be her, and... I guess she showed me, huh? Buffy: (takes her hand) Amy, it's gonna be okay. Catherine: A few months ago, I woke up in h... her bed! I didn't know where I was, and... then I looked in the mirror... Giles: She locked herself upstairs? Catherine: Yes. Giles: Where? Cut to the attic. Giles breaks in the door, comes in and starts to look around. Catherine comes in after him. Catherine: (tries to stop him) Don't! If she finds out I've been here she'll k*ll me! Giles walks around the cauldron to the rack with the hanging dolls. He sees the two dolls bound together for the body-switching spell and takes them in his hand. Giles: My God! (exhales) I believe we can reverse your mother's spell. Well, all of them, in fact. (lets go of the dolls) Catherine: You could? Really, you could? Giles: We need to find her books. There'd be specific volumes she'd need for this kind of casting. He begins to look around some more. He finds a trunk and knocks off the things on top. Giles: Collect those dolls, and, uh, any other personal effects... As he starts to open the trunk a black cat jumps at him and surprises him. Giles: Ah! Nice kitty... (calms down) Let's see what you were guarding. (opens the trunk) Ah, yes! (takes out a book) This is it. Cut to Giles and Catherine coming back down the stairs and going into the living room. Buffy: Did we find? Giles: We found. Come on. He helps Buffy up from the couch. She's gotten weaker. Catherine: But where are you going? Giles: We're going to school. He realizes Buffy is too weak to walk and picks her up in his arms. Giles: And you're coming with us. Cut to the gym. The Sunnydale High basketball team comes through the doors and onto the court. The camera pans across the court, then back and across the cheerleaders, stopping on Amy. Amy's clearly very happy to be there. Cut to Xander and Willow in the stands, watching Amy. Cut to the science classroom. Giles carries Buffy in and lays her down on a lab table, knocking everything off of it in the process. He takes off his coat. Giles: (to Buffy) I'm gonna stop this. I promise. Buffy looks up at him. He folds his coat and puts it under her head as a pillow. Her vision is blurred. Giles: You just hang on. Buffy moans. Giles goes to the box of books and other things Catherine has set on Dr. Gregory's bench and reaches in to get Amy's spell book. Catherine: (concerned) How is she? Giles: We only have a few minutes left. Cut to the gym and the cheerleaders. Cheerleaders: Go, Sunnydale go! Go, Sunnydale go! Go! Six, seven, eight! Go Sunnydale go! Go, Sunnydale go! Go, Sunnydale go! Go! Six, seven, eight! Go Sunnydale go! Go, Sunnydale go! Go, Sunnydale go! Go! Six, seven, eight! Go Sunnydale go! Go, Sunnydale go! Go, Sunnydale go! Go! (yells from the cheerleaders) The camera focuses on Amy in slow motion. Cut to a slow pan across the crowd. Cut to Amy with a smile on her face. Cut to the science classroom. Catherine is cutting an eye from a frog, and is squeamish about it. Giles: Right! Here we go! Cut to Buffy. She's getting weaker. Cut back to Giles. He recites as he mixes a potion. Giles: The center is dark. Centrum est obscurus. The darkness breathes. Tenebrae respiratis. The listener hears. Hear me! Cut to the gym. The cheerleaders are doing a counting chant. The camera focuses on Amy. She stops chanting and looks startled. Her vision flashes to what Catherine sees in the science lab, the book and the frog. She's back in the gym and takes up the count again, but has a worried look on her face. Cut back to the lab. Catherine: Oh, it's... it's working! Giles takes the book up from the table and reads. Giles: Unlock the gate. Let the darkness shine. Cover us with holy fear. Catherine staggers back and covers her face. Giles: Show me... The lights go out in the classroom. Cut to the gym. Some of the cheerleaders are lifting Amy. Once up she thrusts her fists into the air and gives the crowd a big smile. Her smile fades as she has another flash to the lab, where she gets a glimpse of Buffy. She comes back to the gym and begins to lose her balance. Xander and Willow watch. The cheerleaders supporting Amy struggle for control, but they collapse. The crowd reacts to the fall. Xander and Willow see everything, too. Cut back to Amy. Joy: Amy, what's your problem? Amy sh**t her a dirty look. Joy is taken aback. Amy gets up, looks around and runs from the gym. Cut to the lab. Catherine: She's coming! Giles looks worried. Cut to the halls. Amy violently pushes open a door. Willow stops her. Willow: Amy! Amy: Get out of my way! Willow: W-wait! I-I-I need to talk to you, I-I can help you. Amy: Help me? With what? Willow: Uh, well, y'know, all your witchcraft! I, I know this really good cauldron. Xander sneaks up behind Amy. Willow: Do you actually ride a broom? Amy twists around, growls and holds out her hand like she's grabbing Xander's neck. His hand goes to his throat. Amy makes a fist and twists it. Xander collapses to the floor, choking. Willow: Xander! Amy spins back around and punches Willow hard in the face, knocking her to the floor. She starts running to the lab. Cut to the lab. Giles is holding up his arms and chanting. Giles: Corsheth and Gilail! The gate is closed! Receive the dark! Release the unworthy! Take of mine energy and be sated! He plunges his hands into the mixture he's concocted. Cut to the halls. Amy slams through another door and continues walking to the lab with a determined look on her face. She tries the door, but it's locked. She yanks at it. Cut inside. Giles takes his hands out of the brew. Catherine looks at the door and sees it's being yanked on. Giles: Be sated! Release the unworthy! Cut back to the hall. Amy stops yanking at the door and finds a f*re ax in a glass case. She breaks the glass with her fist and takes out the ax. Cut inside to Buffy. She can't keep her eyes open and is just rolling her head slowly. Giles: Release! Amy begins to chop down the door. Giles: Release! Buffy lies prone. Amy has made a hole, reaches through and gets the door open. She marches in, ax in hand, straight over to Buffy. Giles: RELEEEEASE! Amy starts to wield the ax, but stops when there's a flash of light and the spells are all broken. She is herself again. She looks around, a bit confused, steps back and lowers the ax. Buffy has her strength back and gets up from the table. Giles sees that she is okay. Amy: Buffy? Buffy: Amy? Catherine lunges at Buffy from the side and tackles her to the floor, knocking her out. Giles advances, holding his arm out and pointing. Giles: You... you... Catherine growls and looks at him. She uses her powers to force him back and push a table against him, knocking him down and out. Amy just stands there watching, still holding the ax in both hands. Catherine gets up and confronts her. Catherine: You! You little brat! Amy: (holds the ax thr*at) Mom! Please! Catherine holds out her hand and the ax flies from Amy's hands to hers. Catherine: How dare you raise your hand to your mother! I gave you birth. I gave up my life so you could drag that worthless carcass around and call it living? (swings the ax into a lab table) You've never been anything but trouble. I'm going to put you where you can't make trouble again! Buffy: (jumps up behind Catherine) Guess what? Catherine turns to face her. Buffy: I feel better! She punches Catherine, and she flies through the air, lands on a lab table and rolls off, hitting a shelf full of bottles along the way. She quickly gets up. Catherine: That body was mine! Mine! Buffy: Oh, grow up! Catherine growls, holds her arm out toward Buffy and uses her powers to send her flying against the wall. Buffy hits the wall and falls to the floor. She gets up, craning her neck. Catherine begins to cast a spell. Catherine: I shall look upon my enemy! She looks up at Buffy, and her eyes have become pitch black. Catherine: I shall look upon her and the dark place will have her soul! Buffy looks around for a way to stop her. She sees the pole holding up the mirror above her. Catherine: Corsheth, take her! Buffy does a standing hook kick, knocking the pole out from under the mirror and letting it flop down. Catherine's spell leaps from her hands and is reflected by the mirror back at her. The power of the spell envelops her and she screams. The energy twists around her and disappears with a roar, taking her with it. Buffy surveys the scene. Amy is badly shaken. Buffy sees Giles unconscious on the floor. He wakes up. Giles: Well, that was, um, interesting. Buffy gives him her hand and helps him up. Buffy: You guys okay? Amy: I'm fine! Giles: I assume the, uh, all the spells are reversed. It was my first casting, so... (inhales) I may have got it wrong. Buffy: You saved my life! You were a god! Amy: Well, I didn't think you'd pull it off. Suddenly Xander comes rushing in and grabs Amy tightly. Xander: I got her! I got her! Cut her head off! Buffy: Xander, what are you doing? Xander: Saving you? Buffy: Get your hands off of her. Xander: But she's evil. Giles: It wasn't exactly her. Amy: I was my mom. Xander: Oh! (releases her) Now Willow comes running in, too, wielding a bat. Willow: Where is she?! Xander: Uh, hey Willow! It's cool! Willow: It is? Xander: Yeah, I took care of it. They all just look at each other. Cut to Buffy's room. She scoops her smashed alarm clock into a wastebasket. Her mother comes in. Joyce: I don't get it. Buffy: What? Joyce: I've been doing a lot of thinking about... where you're coming from, how to relate to you... and I've come to a very simple conclusion: I don't get it. Buffy: I'm inscrutable, huh? Joyce: You're sixteen. I think there's a, a biological imperative whereby I can't understand you because I'm not sixteen. Buffy: Do you ever wish you could be sixteen again? Joyce: Oh, that's a frightful notion. (exhales) Go through all that again? Not even if it helped me understand you. She smiles at her daughter, and Buffy smiles back. Buffy: I love you, mom. She jumps up and kisses her mom on the cheek, then runs from the room. Joyce: I don't get it! Cut to the school halls. Buffy and Amy are walking together. Amy: My dad is *so* impossible! He doesn't ever want me going anywhere! He wants to spend total quantity time together. And I'm, like, 'Dad, I can go out, it's perfectly safe!' But he's got all this guilt about leaving me with my mom. And he's being a total pain. Buffy: You're loving it. Amy: Every single minute. Cut to another part of the hall. Amy: This Saturday night he wants to stay in and make brownies. Well, the brownies were my idea. Cordelia: (comes up behind them) Hey, I'm really sorry you guys got bumped back to alternate. (reconsiders) Hold it, wait... No I'm not! Amy: Well, I know that I'll miss the intellectual thrill of spelling out words with my arms. Cordelia: Ooo, these grapes are sour! Buffy and Amy stop at the trophy case while Cordelia continues on. Amy: (to Buffy) Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot that you wanted to be on the squad. Buffy: Oh, hey, that's okay. Cheerleading's just a little too hairy for me these days. Amy: (takes a breath) That's for sure. They go around to the front of the case and look at Catherine's picture. Amy: Catherine the Great. Buffy: And there's been no sign of her? Amy: That last spell... She said I'd never make trouble again. Wherever she is I don't think we'll have to worry. They look at Catherine's cheerleading trophy. Buffy: Twisted. They turn and go. Amy: I'm just happy to have my body back. I'm thinking of getting fat. Buffy: Y'know, I hear that look's in for spring. The camera closes in on the cheerleading trophy. Catherine's eyes are looking out and she's making muffled noises. The End

{"type": "series", "show": "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "episode": "01x03 - Witch"}

foreverdreaming

~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~ In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. The Bronze. A girl is screaming. A vampire is advancing on Buffy as she backs into a pole. She throws a solid right to his face followed by a left. The vampire isn't fazed, and he grabs her and throws her onto a pool table. He leans over her to bite. Xander comes up behind the vampire, grabs him by the shoulders and pulls him off of Buffy. Xander: May I cut in? He bashes the vampire's head into the pool table, turns him around and punches him in the gut and the face. The vampire falls to the floor, unconscious. Buffy is impressed and gives him a big smile. Xander offers her his hand to help her off of the pool table. Xander: You alright? Buffy: (exhales) Thanks to you! She slides off of the table and notices Xander's hand. Buffy: You hurt your hand! Will you still be able to... Xander: ...finish my solo and kiss you like you've never been kissed before? He gives her a wink and starts back to the stage. The vampire gets back up and growls at Buffy. Xander sees him, breaks the leg off of a chair that's been knocked over and throws the makeshift stake at the vampire. Buffy watches the stake fly into the vampire's chest, and he falls d*ad. She turns her gaze back on Xander. He jumps up onto stage and grabs his guitar to continue his solo. Buffy looks up at him adoringly and advances to the stage as he plays. Buffy: You're drooling. Xander gives her a confused look. Cut to science class. It's dark because Dr. Gregory is giving a slide show. Buffy: Xander! He wakes up from his daydream and shakes his head. Buffy indicates the corner of her mouth. Buffy: You've got a little... He picks up on her gesture and quickly wipes the drool off of his mouth and chin. Dr. Gregory: Their ancestors were here long before we were. Their progeny will be here long after we are gone. The simple and ubiquitous ant. He turns off the projector, turns the lights on and begins walking up the aisle. Dr. Gregory: Now. If you read the homework you should know the two ways that ants communicate. He stops at Xander's lab table and leans on it to face Buffy. Dr. Gregory: Miss Summers. Buffy: Ways that ants communicate. Dr. Gregory: (nodding his head) Mm. Buffy: With other ants. Dr. Gregory: From the homework. Willow tries to get Buffy's attention. Dr. Gregory: Ants are communicating... Buffy: (sees Willow's signals) Um, uh, uh... Willow strokes Xander's back, indicating 'touch'. Buffy: Touch... Dr. Gregory: (nodding) Mm-hm. Buffy: And, um... She looks at Willow again. She is sniffing Xander, indicating 'smell'. Buffy: (confused) B.O.? Several students laugh. Willow gives her a disappointed look. Blayne: Thank God someone finally found the courage to mention that! Dr. Gregory: That would be touch and smell, Miss Summers. Is there anything else Miss Rosenberg would like to tell you? Willow quickly turns away in her seat. The bell rings. Dr. Gregory starts to move back to the front of the class. Dr. Gregory: Alright, chapters six through eight by tomorrow, people. (stops and looks back at Buffy) Can I see you for a moment? Buffy nods. Cut to after the other students have left the room. Buffy leans against a lab table. Dr. Gregory idly reviews his slides. Dr. Gregory: I gather you had a few problems at your last school? Buffy: Well, what teenager doesn't? Dr. Gregory: Cut school, get in fights, burn down the gymnasium... Principal Flutie showed me your permanent record. He walks to the front of the class, and Buffy follows him. Buffy: Well, that f*re, I mean, there was major extenuating circumstances. Actually, it's, uh, kinda funny! Dr. Gregory: Can't wait to see what you're gonna do *here*. He goes to the closet, gets his other glasses from his coat and cleans them. Buffy: Destructo Girl. That's me. Dr. Gregory: But I suspect it's gonna be great. Buffy: You mean, 'great' in a bad way? Dr. Gregory: (looks at her, then back at his glasses) You have a first- rate mind and you can think on your feet. Imagine what you could accomplish if you actually did the... Buffy: ...the homework thing. Dr. Gregory: The homework thing. I understand you probably have a good excuse for not doing it. (closes the closet and walks back to his lab table) Amazingly enough, I don't care. I know you can excel in this class, and so I expect no less. Is that clear? Buffy: Yeah! Sorry. Dr. Gregory: Don't be sorry, be smart. (looks at another slide) And please don't listen to the principal or anyone else's negative opinion about you. Let's make 'em eat that permanent record. Whadaya say? He looks up at Buffy and gives her a little smile. She smiles back. Buffy: Okay! Thanks. He nods his head. She grabs her bag. Dr. Gregory: Chapters six through eight! Buffy looks back at him with a smile and leaves the classroom. Dr. Gregory puts the slide down, goes over to turn off the lights and comes back to his slide-viewing plate. While he concentrates on the slides, the closet door opens. Cut to a view of Dr. Gregory from the closet. The camera advances on him. Cut in front of him. He's concentrating on the slides. Cut behind him. A large, green mantis claw goes around his neck. Dr. Gregory looks up behind him and screams. The claw drags him off of his chair. His glasses h*t the floor and break, and an instant later so does he. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ The Bronze. The live band is Superfine, playing "Already Met You". Xander dances lamely through the crowd. Lyrics: The first date's the worst date / It's hard to know just what to do / And I take you to dinner / You don't eat, you just play with your food Xander is on the dance floor and looks around. He makes his way to the stage and gives the singer an acknowledging nod and grin. Lyrics: And there's something familiar... The singer gives him a 'get outta here' look. Lyrics: About every word you say Xander is disappointed and moves away from the stage. Lyrics: It's hard to believe it's happened again / I already met you / And I already met you / You're like my last girlfriend / Yes, and the girlfriend I had before her Xander goes over to the bar where Blayne and his friend are sitting. Blayne: Seven, including Cheryl. I'll tell you, though, her sister was lookin' to make it eight! Boy: Ooo, Cheryl's sister? The one in college? Blayne: (nods) Home for the holidays and lookin' for love! She's not my type, though. Girls really gotta have something to go with me. Xander: (interrupting) Something like a lobotomy? The two boys look at him. Blayne: Xander. How many times you score? Xander: Well, uh... Blayne: It's just a question. Xander: Are we talking today, or the whole week? The two boys snicker. Xander spots Buffy and Willow coming down the stairs. Xander: Ooo! Duty calls! He leaves the bar and approaches the girls as Blayne and his friend watch. Xander: Babes! The girls look back at him. He comes up to them with his arms wide open and grabs them both around the shoulders. Buffy: What are you doing? Xander: (to Buffy) Work with me here. Blayne had the nerve to question my manliness. I'm just gonna give him a visual. Willow: (throws her arms around him tightly) We'll show him! Xander looks back at Blayne, gives him a thumbs up and puts his arm back around Willow. The two boys seem impressed. Buffy: (distracted) I don't believe it. Xander: I know, and after all my conquests. Buffy sees Angel and goes over to him. Xander: Who's that? Willow: That must be Angel! I think? Xander: That weird guy that warned her about all the vampires? Willow: That's him, I'll bet you. Xander: Well, he's buff! She never said anything about him being buff! Willow: You think he's buff? Xander: He's a very attractive man! How come that never came up? Cut to Angel. Buffy comes up to him. Buffy: Well! Look who's here! Angel: Hi. Buffy: I'd say it's nice to see you, but then we both know that's a big fib. Angel: I won't be long. Buffy: No, you'll just give me a cryptic warning about some exciting new catastrophe, and then disappear into the night. Right? Angel: You're cold. Buffy: You can take it. Angel: (takes off his jacket) I mean, you look cold. He puts his jacket around her shoulders. Cut to Willow and Xander. Xander: Oh, right! Give her your jacket. It's a balmy night, no one needs to be trading clothing out there! Cut to Buffy and Angel. Buffy: A little big on me. (notices a series of cuts on Angel's arm) What happened? Angel: I didn't pay attention. Buffy: To somebody with a big fork? Angel: He's coming. Buffy: The Fork Guy? Angel: Don't let him corner you. Don't give him a moment's mercy. He'll rip your throat out. Buffy: Okay, I'll give you improved marks for that one. Ripping a throat out, it's a strong visual, it's not cryptic! Angel: I have to go. (leaves) Buffy: (stares after him) Sweet dreams to you, too. Cut to Sunnydale High the next morning. Buffy and Giles are walking along in front of the school. Giles is eating an apple. Giles: That's all he said? Fork Guy? Buffy: That's all Cryptic Guy said: Fork Guy. Giles: I think there are too many guys in your life. (laughs) They meet Willow sitting on a bench. Giles: I'll see what I can find out. (looks up at the sky) God, every day here is the same. Buffy: Bright, sunny, beautiful, how ever can we escape this torment? Willow gives her a smile. Buffy puts down her bag and sits down next to her. Giles: Really. Xander comes up behind Giles as he turns to leave. Giles: Good morning. Xander: Mornin'. (to the girls) Guess what I just heard in the office? No Dr. Gregory today. Ergo, those of us who blew off our science homework aren't as dumb as we look. He reaches down and flips Willow's book closed. She has to stop it from sliding off of her lap. Buffy: What happened, is he sick? Xander: They didn't say anything about sick, something about missing. Buffy: He's missing? Xander: Well, let me think. Um, the cheerleaders were modeling their new short skirts, that kinda got... Yeah! Yeah, they said missing. Willow and Buffy exchange a look. Xander: Which is bad? Buffy: If something's wrong, yeah! Willow: He's one of the only teachers that doesn't think Buffy's a felon. Xander: I'm really sorry, I'm sure he'll... He looks up and sees Miss Natalie French walking toward them. Xander: I, uh, huh... The girls look to see what's distracting him. Xander: Uh, huh... huh... Cut to a slow motion sh*t of Natalie walking. She comes right up to Xander, who just stares at her. Natalie: Could you help me? Xander: Uuuuuuhhhhhh... Yes! Willow and Buffy give each other amused looks. Natalie: I'm looking for Science... 109. Xander: Oh! It's, um... He looks around himself, trying to remember the way. He turns back to Natalie. Xander: (smiles) I go there every day! Natalie laughs. Xander: (looks to the girls for help) Oh, God, where is it? Willow and Buffy just shrug. Blayne appears behind Natalie and introduces himself. Blayne: Hi! Blayne Mall. I'm going there right now. It's not far from the varsity field where I took All-City last year. (smiles smugly) Natalie: Oh! Thank you, Blayne! She and Blayne leave. Xander's gaze follows them for a moment, and then he turns back to Willow and Buffy. Xander: It's funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to. The girls nod their heads and give each other a smile. Cut to science class. Natalie is writing her name on the board. Buffy, Willow and Xander walk in. Buffy spots Dr. Gregory's glasses on the floor and picks them up. Willow: What's wrong? Buffy: Dr. Gregory dropped his glasses... Why wouldn't he pick them up? She sets the glasses on the lab table and gives Natalie a glance as she walks to her stool. Natalie faces the class. Natalie: My name is Natalie French, and I will be substituting for Dr. Gregory. Buffy: Do you know when he's coming back? Natalie: No, I don't, um, (checks her roster) Buffy. They just call and tell me where they want me. Blayne: (in a low voice) I'll tell you where I want you. Natalie: Excuse me, Blayne? Blayne: Uh, I was just wondering if you were gonna pick up where Dr. Gregory left off. Natalie: (smiles) Yes. His notes tell me you were right in the middle of insect life. She picks up a mantis mounted in a clear plastic box. Natalie: The praying mantis is a fascinating creature. Forced to live alone. Who can tell me why? Buffy? She puts the mantis back down. Buffy: Well, the words 'bug-ugly' kinda spring to mind. There's lots of muffled laughter. Natalie: There is nothing ugly about these unique creatures. The reason they live alone is because they're cannibals! Buffy: Eww! Everyone in class looks disgusted. Natalie: Oh, well, it's hardly their fault! It's the way nature designed them: noble, solitary and prolific. Over 1800 species worldwide, and in nearly all of them the female is larger *and* more aggressive than the male. Blayne: (to Buffy) Nothing wrong with an aggressive female. Buffy angles her head and gives him a look. Natalie picks up her notebook and starts to walk around the room. Natalie: The California Mantis lays her eggs, and then finds a mate... She looks at Xander. He stares back. Natalie: ...to fertilize them. Once he's played his part, she covers the eggs in a protective sack and attaches it to a leaf or twig out of danger. Now, if she's done her job correctly, in a few months she'll have several hundred offspring. She has made her way back to the front of the class and puts down her notebook. Natalie: You know, we should make some model egg sacks for the science fair. Who would like to help me do that after school? All the boys raise their hands. Natalie: (pleased) Good! Cut to the cafeteria. Buffy, Willow and Xander are in line. Buffy: Hot dog surprise. Be still, my heart. Willow: Call me old-fashioned, I don't want any more surprises in my hot dogs. Xander: I wonder what she sees in me? It's probably the quiet good looks coupled with a certain smoky magnetism. Willow raises her eyebrows at him. She turns to Buffy and they smile. Xander: Miss French. You two're probably a little young to understand what an older woman would see in a younger man. Buffy: Oh, I understand. Xander: Good! Buffy: The younger man is too dumb to wonder why an older woman can't find someone her own age, and too desperate to care about the surgical improvements! Xander: What surgical improvements? Willow: Well, he is young. Buffy: And so terribly innocent! Xander: Hey, those that can, do. Those that can't *laugh* at those who... can do. Blayne comes up next to Xander, getting lots of food. Blayne: Gotta carb up for my one-on-one with Miss French today. When's yours? Oh, right, tomorrow. You came in second, I came in first. Guess that's what they call natural selection. (leaves) Xander: Guess it's what they call a rehearsal! (to the girls) Rehearsal... (laughs lamely) The girls smile. Buffy goes over to get some utensils. As she walks back Cordelia comes in through the exit and bumps into her. Cordelia: (to Buffy) Excuse you! She goes behind the counter, showing a piece of paper to the cafeteria workers. Cordelia: Medically prescribed lunch. My doctor ships it daily... I'll only be here as long as I can hold my breath. She opens a refrigerator and screams. Inside is a headless body. Buffy and Willow run to see what's wrong. Cordelia backs away from the fridge. Cordelia: His head! His head! Oh, my God, where's his head?! Buffy and Willow arrive to see what's inside. Buffy stares in disbelief. Xander is close behind and has to look away when he sees. Willow looks squeamish. The name on the body's lab coat is 'Dr. Gregory'. Cut to the library. Giles pours a glass of water. He brings it over to Buffy, who is sitting on the steps with Willow. Both girls have deeply sad looks on their faces. Buffy has been crying. Giles: (hands the glass to Buffy) Here. Drink this. Buffy: (takes the glass) No, thank you. (takes a sip) Xander: (behind Giles) I've never seen... Giles looks back at Xander. Xander: I mean, I've never seen anything like... That was new. Willow: Who would wanna hurt Dr. Gregory? Giles: Uh, he didn't have any enemies on the staff that I'm aware of. He was a civilized man. I liked him. Buffy: So did I. Willow: (looks up at Giles) Well, we're gonna find out who did this. We'll find them and we'll stop them. Buffy: Count on it. Giles: What do we know? Buffy: Oh, not a lot, um... (sniffs and wipes a tear from her nose) He was k*lled here on campus. I'm guessing the last day we saw him. Giles: How do you work that out? Buffy: He didn't change his clothing. Xander: This is a question that no one particularly wants to hear, but... where did they put his head? Willow: Good point. I didn't wanna hear that. Buffy: Angel! (gets up) He warned me that something was coming. She takes another sip of water as she walks over to the table. Giles: Yes. Yes he did, didn't he? I wish I knew what he meant. I've been trying to gather more information about the Master, our, uh, local vampire king. There was one oblique reference to a, a, a vampire who displeased the Master and cut his hand off in penance. Buffy: Cut off his hand and replaced it with a fork? Giles: I don't know what he replaced it with. Xander: So, why would he come after a teacher? Giles: I'm not certain he did. There was an incident two nights ago... He walks over to the counter, picks up a newspaper and returns with it. Giles: ...uh, involving a homeless person in Weatherly Park. He was practically shredded, but, uh, nothing like Dr. Gregory. Buffy: (looks at the paper) Fork Guy doesn't do heads. Giles: Not historically. Buffy: And Dr. Gregory's blood wasn't drained. Xander: So there's something else out there? Besides Silverwareman? Oh, this is fun, we're on monster island. Buffy: We're on a Hellmouth. It's a center of mystical convergence. Guess it's the same thing. (walks toward Xander) Giles: Well, unpleasant things do gravitate here, it's true, but, uh, we don't know there's anything besides this chap. He's still our likely suspect. Buffy: Where was that guy k*lled? Weatherly Park? Giles: Buffy. (advances toward her) I know you're upset, but, uh, this is no time to go hunting, not until we know more. Please promise me you won't do anything rash? Buffy: Cross my heart. Cut to the park at night. Buffy climbs the fence. She walks through the park, carefully looking around. A bum comes up to her. Bum: Shouldn't be out here at night, little lady. Dangerous. The bum leaves. She notices another bum on the ground in front of a bench, and she checks him out. He's okay, just asleep. Buffy continues stalking. Dogs bark in the distance. Buffy finds some shrubbery covering a sewer access hole. She moves it aside, and Fork Guy jumps out at her. She rushes backward. He swings with his claw, but misses. She slams her straight arm into his gut, then again into his back. He swings again, but Buffy dodges him. She backhand punches him in the face, does a roundhouse kick to his jaw and backhand punches his face again. He takes another swing at Buffy, but she evades it. She front kicks him. He lunges at her, and she grabs his arm and flips him over onto his back. Buffy tries to stake him, but he rolls away and back onto his feet. She kicks him again and he staggers backward and falls. Buffy hears voices and turns to see people with flashlights coming over the hill. Voices: Hold it! Police! Did you see that? I got nothing here! Buffy looks back and forth between Fork Guy and the posse. The vampire runs off. Voices: I heard it. Spread out. Let's go over here. This way, this way. Alright... Buffy makes tracks after the vampire. Cut to the fence at the edge of the park. Natalie is walking home on the other side with grocery bags in her arms. The vampire stalks her and climbs over the fence. Buffy comes running up. The vampire lands behind Natalie. Buffy reaches the fence and watches. Natalie senses the vampire, stops and turns to face him. The vampire hisses and runs away in fear. Natalie watches him go. Buffy can't believe what she's seeing. The vampire crosses the street, lifts a manhole cover and climbs down. Natalie continues her walk home. The vampire pulls the manhole cover back into place. Buffy just stares after Natalie. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ Sunnydale High, the next morning. Cut to the library. Giles: You went hunting last night. Buffy: Yes. He walks into his office. She follows behind him. Giles: When you assured me you wouldn't. (takes a sip from his mug) Buffy: Yes, I lied, I'm a bad person, let's move on. Giles: (opens his file cabinet) Did you see someone with a fork? Buffy: More like a jumbo claw. Giles: (turns to face her) Oh. Well, uh, at least you're not hurt. Buffy: And I saw something else. Something much more interesting than your average run-of-the-mill k*ller vampire. Giles: Oh? Buffy: Do you know Miss French, the teacher that's subbing for Dr. Gregory? Giles: (smiles) Yes. Yes, she's lovely. In a, a common, extremely well proportioned way. (puts some files away) Buffy: Well, I'm chasing Claw Guy last night, and Miss Well Proportioned is heading home. The Claw Guy takes one look at her and runs screaming for cover. Giles: (confused) He what? Ran away? Buffy: He was petrified. Giles: Of Miss French? Buffy: Uh, huh! So I'm an undead monster that can shave with my hand... How many things am I afraid of? Giles: Not many. And not substitute teachers, as a rule. Buffy: So what's her deal? Giles: I think perhaps it would be a good idea if we kept an eye on her. Buffy: Then I better get to class. She leaves the office. Cut to Buffy rushing down the stairs in the halls. She is stopped by Principal Flutie. Mr. Flutie: You were there. You saw Dr. Gregory, didn't you? Buffy: Um, you mean yesterday in the cafeteria when we found him... Mr. Flutie: Don't say d*ad! Or decapitated, or decomposing, I'd stay away from D-words altogether. But you witnessed the event, so this way, please. (starts down the hall) Buffy: (stops him short) Well, no, I'm gonna be late for biology... Mr. Flutie: Extremely late! (starts down the hall again) You have to see a counselor. Everyone who saw the body has to see a crisis counselor. Buffy: But I really don't need... Mr. Flutie: We all need help with our feelings. Otherwise we bottle them up, and before you know it, powerful laxatives are involved. I really believe if we all reach out to one another we can b*at this thing. I'm always here if you need a hug, (jumps back) but not a real hug! Because there's no touching, this school is sensitive to wrong touching. Buffy: But, I really, really don't... Mr. Flutie: No, you have to talk to a counselor and start the healing. You have to heal. Buffy: But Mr. Flutie, I... Mr. Flutie: Heal! He sits her down in a chair outside of the counselor's office and paces off. Buffy leans back in the chair and looks bummed. Then she hears Cordelia inside the office. Cordelia: I don't know what to say, it was really, I mean, one minute you're in your normal life, and then who's in the fridge? (the camera pans over to show her inside) It really gets to you, a thing like that. (cut inside) It was... let's just say I haven't been able to eat a thing since yesterday. I think I lost, like, seven and a half ounces? Way swifter than that so-called diet that quack put me on. Oh, I'm not saying that we should k*ll a teacher every day just so I can lose weight, I'm just saying when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side. You know? Cut to Buffy. What she's hearing is just too weird. Cordelia: Like, how even used Mercedes still have leather seats! Cut to science class. Natalie is giving a pop quiz, and is walking along the aisle. Natalie: Keep your eyes straight ahead on your own test. She comes up behind Xander. Natalie: (in a low voice) I think you meant 'pollination' for number fourteen. (puts her hand on his shoulder) I'll see you here after school. Cut to the hall. Buffy comes running to class and looks in through the door window. Buffy: Oh, great, a pop quiz. Cut inside. Natalie suddenly straightens up. Buffy looks in. She sees Natalie turn her head around 180 degrees. Her eyes go wide with amazement. She quickly rolls away from the window. Cut to the library. Buffy and Willow come in. Buffy: No, I'm not saying she craned her neck. We are talking full on Exorcist twist. Willow: Ouch! Buffy: Which reminds me, how come Blayne, who worked with her one-on- one yesterday, isn't here today? Willow: Inquiring minds wanna know. Buffy: (to Giles) Any luck? Willow sits down in front of the PC and begins a search. Giles: Um, I've not found any creature as yet that strikes terror in a vampire's heart. Buffy: Try looking under things that can turn their heads all the way around. Giles: Nothing human can do that. Buffy: No, nothing human. There are some insects that can. Whatever she is, I'm gonna be ready for her. She turns and hops up the stairs to the stacks. Giles takes off his glasses. Giles: What are you going to do? Buffy: (turns back to answer) My homework. She continues up into the stacks. Willow looks up at her and smiles, then continues her search. Buffy comes running back. Buffy: Where are the books on bugs? Cut to the science classroom. Natalie is at the desk spreading butter on a slice of bread. She's about to open a plastic container when she hears Xander come in and looks up. Xander: Hi! Natalie: Oh, Hi! I was just grabbing a snack. Can I fix you something? Xander: No thanks, I never... eat when I'm making egg sacks. (sees the model) Wow, if this were real the bugs would be... Natalie: ...as big as you! Xander: Yeah! So! Where do we start? Natalie: Oh, Xander! (gets up) I've done something really stupid. I hope you can forgive me. Xander: Oh, forgiveness is my middle name! Well, actually it's LaVelle, and I'd appreciate it if you guard that secret with your life. (laughs) Natalie: (laughs) I have a teacher's conference in half an hour, and I left the paint and papier-mache' at home. I don't suppose you'd like to come to my place tonight to work on it there? Xander: (swallows) Come to, uh... your place? He flashes to his guitar solo for a moment. Natalie: 7:30? Here's my address. (writes it down) Xander can't believe his luck. Natalie: (hands him her address) I'll see you tonight? Xander: (in a high, squeaky voice) Yeah! Cut to the hall. Xander comes out of the classroom. Xander: (pumping his fists into the air) Ooo, yes! Cut inside the classroom. Natalie opens the container now. It's full of crickets. She dumps them onto the buttered bread and folds the slice in half. She takes a bite. Crunchy! Cut to the library. Buffy comes out of the stacks with a book. Buffy: Dig this: 'The praying mantis can rotate its head 180 degrees while waiting for its next meal to walk by.' (slams the book shut) Ha! (silence) Well, c'mon, guys. Ha! Willow: Well, Miss French is sort of big. For a bug? Giles: And she is, by and large, woman shaped. Buffy: (makes her way down to them) Okay. Factoid 1: Only the praying mantis can rotate its head like that. Factoid 2: A pretty whacked-out vampire is scared to death of her. Factoid 3: Her fashion sense screams predator. Willow: It's the shoulder pads. Buffy: Exactly. Giles: If you're right, then she'd have to be a shape shifter or a perception distorter. On a helpful note, I had a chum at Oxford, Carlyle, advanced degrees in entomology mythology. Buffy: Entomawho? Giles: Bugs and fairy tales. Buffy: I knew that. Giles: If I recall correctly, poor old Carlyle, just before he went mad, claimed there was some beast... Willow: (the PC beeps) Buffy, 911! Blayne's mom called the school. He never came home last night. Giles: The boy who worked with Miss French yesterday? Willow: Yeah! If Miss French is responsible for... Xander's supposed to be helping her right now! He's got a crush on a giant insect! Buffy: Okay, don't panic, I'll warn him. But I need you to hack onto the coroner's office for me. Willow: Well, what are we looking for? Buffy: Autopsy on Dr. Gregory. I've been trying to figures out these marks that I saw on his corpse... I'm thinking they were teeth. And, uh, these cuddlies? (points to a picture of a mantis) Should definitely be brushing after every meal. (Willow types) (to Giles) And you were saying something about a beast? Giles: (gets up to go to his office) Oh, uh, yeah, I just need to make one transatlantic telephone call. (stops and turns back) Um, this computer invasion that Willow's performing on the coroner's office, one, one assumes it is entirely legal? Willow and Buffy answer simultaneously. Willow: Entirely! Buffy: Of course! Giles: Right. Wasn't here, didn't see it, couldn't have stopped you. Buffy: Good idea. Cut outside. Buffy catches up with Xander. Buffy: Hey! Xander: Hey! Buffy: So, how'd it go with Miss French? Xander: Well, it's a bit demanding being her absolute favorite guy in the universe, but I'll muddle through. Buffy: Xander, she's not what she seems. Xander: I know, she's so much more. Buffy: Okay, um... I'm gonna have to tell you something about her, and I'm gonna need you to really listen, okay? Xander: Okay. Buffy: I don't think she's human. Xander: I see. So if she's not human she's... Buffy: Technically? A big bug. Xander laughs. Buffy: This sounds really weird, I'm aware of that... Xander: It doesn't sound weird at all, I completely understand. I've met someone, and you're jealous. Buffy: What? Xander: Look, there's nothing I can do about it. Uh, there's just this certain chemical thing between Miss French and me. Buffy: I know, I read all about it, it's call, um, a pheromone. It's a chemical attractant that insects give off. Xander: She's not an insect! She's a woman, okay? And hard as that may be for you to conceive, an actual woman finds me attractive. I realize it's no mystery guy handing out leather jackets, and while we're on the subject, what kind of a girlie name is 'Angel' anyway? Buffy: What does that have to do with... Xander: Nothing! It just kinda bugs me. Look, I really gotta... He walks off. Buffy turns and watches him go. Buffy: Wha...? Cut to Natalie's house that night. She pours two martinis. Her dress shows lots of cleavage. The doorbell rings. She smiles and goes to open it. Natalie: Hi! Come on in! Xander stares at her cleavage as he comes in. Natalie: Should I change? Is, is this too... (she closes the door) Xander: No, no, it's, the most beautiful chest... dress I've ever seen. She smiles and goes back into the living room. Xander follows. Natalie: Thank you. That's sweet. Martini? (offers him one) Oh, I'm sorry, would you like something else? Xander quickly accepts the drink. Natalie: (laughs) I just need to relax a little, I'm kinda nervous around you. (she sits down) You're probably cool as a cucumber! Xander: (sits down) I like cucumbers. Like in that Greek salad thing with the yogurt. Do you like Greek food? I'm exempting Schwarma, of course, I mean, what's that all about? It's a big meat hive. They laugh, he nervously, she playfully. Xander gulps the martini. Xander: Hhhhhhho! Hello! Natalie: Cheers! (clinks their glasses) Can I ask you a personal question? She puts her glass down and gets closer to Xander. Natalie: Have you ever been with a woman before? Xander: You mean, like, in, uh, the same room? Natalie: You know what I mean. Xander: Oh, that, uh... Well, let me think. Um... Natalie runs her fingers though his hair and around his ear. Xander: Yeah, there was, uh... several! She continues her stroke down to Xander's chin. Xander: I mean, and, uh, quite a few times... And then there was, uh... Oh, she was incredibly... No. Uh-uh. Natalie: I know. I can tell. Xander: You can? Natalie: Oh, I like it. You might say, I... *need* it. Xander: Oh! Well, needs should, uh, y'know... Needs should definitely be met, as long as it doesn't require ointments the next day, or... Muffled yelling can be heard from somewhere. Xander: Do you hear... Natalie: No... Xander: Sounds like someone crying... Natalie: I don't hear anything. (takes his hand) Your hands are so hot! Xander flashes to his dream. Buffy: Oh, you hurt your hand! Xander comes back. The drink is beginning to affect him. He leans back on the couch. Xander: Buffy. I love Buffy. Wow! So that's a martini, huh? Natalie: Mm-hm. Xander: (sits back up) Do you hear... Natalie: (interrupting) Would you like to touch me with those hands? Xander: (looks at Natalie's hands) Your hands are sss... really... (her hands morph) serrated! Oh, wow, that martini, I... I really think I have to... Xander falls to the floor unconscious. Two mantis claws drag him away by his feet. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ Natalie's basement. The camera pans down from the window above the stairs to Xander. He's lying unconscious in a cage. There are squishing noises. Xander wakes up, looks around, grabs the bars and pulls himself up. He sees Natalie as a giant mantis preparing her nest. Xander: Miss... French? Natalie: Please, call me Natalie. Xander backs away into the cage. Cut to the library. Giles is on the phone. Giles: Frankly, madam, I haven't the faintest idea what time it is, nor do I care. Now, unlock his cell, unstrap him, and bring him to the telephone immediately. This is a matter of life and death! Cut to Willow typing. Willow: Got it! Coroner's report, complete with... Yuk! ...color pictures. Buffy: There *are* teeth marks. Which match perfectly the one insect that nips off its prey's head. Willow: Okay, I-I don't like this. Buffy: Huh! It's the way they feed, head first. It's also the way they mate. The female bites off the male's head while they're... Willow: No, no, no! See? Xander's, I like his head! I-it's where you find his eyes, and his hair, and his adorable smile... Buffy: Hey, hey, take it easy, Willow. Xander is not in any immediate danger. I saw him leave school. He's probably safe at home right now. Cut to Natalie's basement. Xander backs up in his cage and is surprised by Blayne when he reaches the far corner. Xander: Ah! Blayne! Blayne: (terrified) Oh, God! Oh, God! Xander: Are you all right? Blayne: Oh, God! (breathes) You gotta get me outta here! You gotta! She, she, she gets you, and, uh... Xander: What? Blayne: ...she, she... Xander: What does she do? Blayne: Oh, God! Oh, oh, no! Xander: Blayne! What does she do? Blayne: She, she... she, she takes you outta the cage, and she ties you up, and, and... she... she starts movin', and throbbin', and these eggs come sh**t' out of her! And then... Xander: What? Blayne: And then... Xander: Then what? Blayne: She mates with you! Xander: Sheeee... Blayne: That's not the worst part! Xander: That's not? Blayne: You seen her teeth? Right while she's, you know, right in the middle of... I saw her do it! I don't wanna die like that! Xander: Blayne! Blayne! Chill! It's okay. It's gonna be okay. We'll get outta this. Blayne: (hopeful) You gotta plan? What is it? Xander: Just, uh, let me perfect it! Blayne: (gives up hope) Oh, God... Oh, God... Oh, God... Cut to the library. Giles is talking with Carlyle on the phone in his office. Giles: I-I understand, Carlyle. Yes... I-I'll take every precaution. Uh, absolutely, i-i-it sounds exactly like the creature you described. Y-you were right all along about everything. Well, n-no, you weren't right about your mother coming back as a pekinese, but... uh... Try to rest, old man. Yes... Ta! Bye now! He hangs up and comes out of his office. Willow and Buffy are at the PC. Giles: Dr. Ferris Carlyle spent years transcribing a lost pre-Germanic language. What he discovered he kept to himself until several teenage boys were m*rder in the Cotswolds. Then he went hunting for it. Buffy: It being... Giles: Uh, he calls her a She-Mantis. This type of creature, the Kleptes-Virgo, or, or virgin-thief, appears in, in many cultures. The Greek sirens, the Celtic sea maidens, who, who tore the living flesh from the bones of, um... Buffy: Giles, while we're young! Giles: Uh, well, basically the, uh, the She-Mantis assumes the form of a beautiful woman and then lures innocent virgins back to her nest. Buffy: Virgins? Well, Xander's not a, uh... I mean, he's probably... Willow: (quickly gets up, worried) ...gonna die! (goes to the phone) Buffy: Okay, okay, (walks around Giles) so this thing is breeding and we need to find it and snuff it. (faces Giles) Any tips on the snuffing part? Giles: Uh, Carlyle recommends cleaving all body parts with a sharp blade. Willow is on the phone in the background behind Buffy talking to Xander's mom. Buffy: Slice and Dice. Giles: Well, whatever you do, it had better be certain and swift. This beast is extremely dangerous. Buffy: Well, your buddy Carlyle faced it, and he's still around. Giles: Yes, in a straitjacket, howling his innards out day and night. Buffy: Okay, Admiral, way to inspire the troops! Giles: Sorry... Willow: (off the phone now) Xander's not home! He told his mom he was going to his teacher's house to work on a science project. He didn't tell her where. Buffy: (to Willow) See if you can get her address off the substitute rolls. (to Giles) And you need to record bat sonar, and fast! Giles: Bat sonar, right. What? Buffy: Bats eat them. (leads Giles to the stairs) The mantis hears sonar, its entire nervous system goes kaplooey. Giles: Where am I gonna find the... Buffy: In the vid library? There're no books, but it's dark and musty, you'll feel right at home, go! (exhales) (to herself) I guess I'll handle the armory. Cut to Natalie's basement. Xander and Blayne are in their cages. Xander is working on one of the bars. Blayne: Don't do anything to make her mad! Xander pulls the bar out. Blayne: (brightens) Hey, alright, now I can get outta my cage! (bummed) Into yours, what'd you do that for? Xander: A w*apon! Blayne: (sees Natalie coming) I think you're gonna need it. Xander looks up and is startled. He drops the bar. Cut to the library. Miss French's record is coming out of the printer. Buffy comes in the door. Willow: Getting the address. Buffy: Great! Giles? Giles: (holding a tape recorder) Recording bat sonar is something soothingly akin to having one's teeth drilled. Buffy: (takes the tape recorder) Let's roll! They all head for the door. Willow: According to Miss French's personnel records, she was born in 1907. She's, like, 90 years old! Giles: And extremely well preserved! Cut to Natalie's basement. She is looking back and forth between the boys. Blayne: Oh, God! (goes through the hole into Xander's cage) Uh, he did that, he broke the cage, take him, not me, take him! Cut to Giles, Buffy and Willow driving up to Miss French's house. They get out and run up to the door. Giles: What now, exactly? We can't just kick the door down. Buffy: Yeah, that *would* be wrong. She gets ready to kick, but the door opens. An old lady is there. Miss French: Hello, dear! I thought I heard... Are you selling something? Because I'd like to help you out, but... You see, I'm on a fixed income. Buffy: I'm looking for Miss French. Miss French: I'm Miss French. Buffy: Natalie French, the substitute biology teacher? Miss French: (laughs) Goodness, that's me! I taught for over thirty years. I retired in 1972. Buffy: (to Giles) I can't believe this! She used Miss French's records to get into the school. She could be anywhere! Miss French: No, dear! I'm right here! Cut to Natalie's basement. Xander: What's she doing? Blayne: I think it's eeny, meeny, miney... Xander: Moe? The camera closes in on Xander's terrified face. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ Natalie's basement. She opens the door to the cage. Xander crawls out on his butt, bar in hand. Xander: I'm comin', I'm comin'. When he's just out of the cage he swings the bar and hits Natalie as he gets up. She staggers. He runs for the stairs. Halfway up Natalie trips him with her claw, and he tumbles back down the stairs. Cut to Miss French's house. Giles, Willow and Buffy are going back to the car. Willow: What do we do now? Giles: Abject prayer and supplication would spring to mind. Buffy: I saw her walking past this park with her grocery bags. She lives in this neighborhood. Willow: I'm gonna start banging on doors. (heads for the next house) Buffy: (stops Willow) Wait, no, we do *not* have time for that! Willow: We have to do something! Buffy: We will. Cut to the manhole cover where Buffy saw Claw Guy go in. Buffy lifts it off and starts to climb in. Buffy: I won't be long. (goes down) Giles: W... Buffy? Cut to Natalie's basement. Xander is tied up with leather straps. Natalie is in his face. Blayne: Oh, yeah, here it comes! Xander: What? What's happening?! Blayne: How do you like your eggs, bro, over easy or sunny side up? Xander: Eggs? She's gonna lay some... He sees her lay some eggs. He flashes to Natalie's lecture in science class. Natalie: The California Mantis lays her eggs, and then finds a mate to fertilize them. His flashback is over, and he's scared. Cut to the manhole. Willow: (into the hole) Come on, Buffy! Cut to some bushes. There are sounds of Claw Guy swinging his arm and ropes whipping through the air. Buffy pushes Claw Guy out of the bushes. His arms are tied behind his back. Claw Guy: You! Buffy: Me! She shoves him down the street. Cut to Natalie's street. Buffy is pushing Claw Guy down the sidewalk in front of her. Giles and Willow follow. Buffy: Come on! Come on, where is she? Which house is it? I know you're afraid of her, I saw you! Come on! Claw Guy begins to react to Natalie's presence. Buffy: Come on. What? What is it? This is her, isn't it, this is her house? This is it! Better than radar! She lets go of him. Claw Guy cuts the ropes with his blades. Willow: Buffy! He swings at Buffy, but she leans back in time, only to trip and fall backward over the miniature picket fence running along the walk to the house. Claw Guy jumps to follow. She crawls backward on her butt until she hits the fence on the other side of the lawn. She rips a picket from the fence and thrusts it into Claw Guy as he takes another swing at her. He falls over d*ad. Giles breathes a sigh of relief. Cut to the basement. Natalie advances on Xander. Natalie: Kiss me! (laughs) Kiss me! Xander: Can I just say one thing? HEEEELLLLP! HEEEELLLLP! Buffy smashes the basement window and slides in. Blayne: Uh, hey, o-over here, hello! In the cage! She pulls her bag though the window. Buffy: (to Natalie) Let him go! She runs down the stairs and sets the bag down. Willow climbs in the window, too. Buffy pulls two cans of insect spray from the bag and sprays Natalie in the face. Giles climbs in as Willow runs behind Buffy to open the cage. The spray disorients Natalie. Giles comes down the stairs now too. Buffy points him at Xander. Blayne: Help me! Help me! Buffy: (to Giles) Get them outta here! She pulls the tape recorder and a machete from her bag. Blayne: Hey, help me! Help me! Giles undoes the leather straps holding Xander. Natalie retreats to the back of her nest. Buffy starts to close in on her. Buffy: Remember Dr. Gregory? You scarfed his head? Yeah, well, he taught me, you do your homework, you learn stuff. Like what happens to your nervous system when you hear this! She plays the tape. It's Giles' voice. Buffy stares at the machine in disbelief. Tape: ...extremely important to file not simply alphabetically... Buffy: (back to Giles) Giles! Giles: (on the floor pointing at Natalie) I-it's the wrong side! Natalie knocks the tape recorder and machete from Buffy's hands. Giles watches the recorder fly over him, h*t the ground and slide under a refrigerator. He scrambles to get it. Buffy turns her attention back on Natalie. Natalie tries to trip Buffy, but she jumps over her claw. Xander comes up next to her with a can of bug spray and sprays it into Natalie's face. Buffy pushes him away from danger, and Natalie takes the opportunity to knock her down. Buffy raises herself onto her hands and one leg, and with the other does two crouching side kicks to Natalie's legs to keep her at bay. Giles searches under the refrigerator. Buffy kicks again. She sees the machete on the floor and grabs it. Giles has the recorder now, jumps around on the floor with the recorder in front of him and plays the tape. The sounds of bat sonar severely hurt and disorient Natalie. She flails her claws around.

{"type": "series", "show": "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "episode": "01x04 - Teacher's Pet"}

foreverdreaming

~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~ In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. The cemetery. Buffy is fighting a vampire. She kicks him in the face with a high roundhouse kick, forcing him to step backward to keep his balance. The vampire does a jumping half twisting crescent kick, which Buffy ducks. He tries two punches, and Buffy neatly blocks them. On his third punch she grabs hold of his arm and hits him in the face with a high front snap kick. Letting go of the vampire's arm, Buffy punches him squarely in the midsection and follows up with a swinging punch to his face, sending him to the ground. Buffy: We haven't been properly introduced. (pulls out a stake) I'm Buffy, and you're history! She plunges the stake into him as he gets up. He falls and bursts into ashes. Giles: (pops up from behind a crypt) Poor technique. (comes around to her) Prioritizing sub par... Execution was adequate, but a bit too bloody for my taste. Buffy: Giles, don't mention it. It was my *pleasure* to make the world safe for humanity again. Giles: I'm not saying that your methods are without merit, it's, uh, y- you're spending too much time and energy. It should simply be: plunge, and move on. Plunge and... Hello. (bends over to pick up a ring with his pen) Buffy: (sees the ring) Oh, that's great! I k*ll 'em, you fence their stuff. (Giles gives her a look) What is it? Giles: I don't know. Buffy: But it bothers you. Giles: Yes! Well, I... I thought this vampire was just on a random k*ll, but it may be something else. Buffy: Something big? Giles: Yes. I'd best consult my books. Cut to the Master's lair. He slams a book down on the podium, opens it and reads. Master: 'And there will be a time of crisis, of worlds hanging in the balance. And in this time shall come the Anointed, the Master's great warrior. And the Slayer will not know him, will not stop him, and he will lead her into Hell.' As it is written, so shall it be. (picks up the book and walks) 'Five will die, and from their ashes the Anointed shall rise. The Brethren of Aurelius shall greet him and usher him to his immortal destiny.' (stops by one of the brethren) As it is written, so shall it be. 'And one of the brethren shall go out hunting the night before and get himself k*lled, because he couldn't wait to finish his job before he ate.' Oh, wait. (grabs one of the brethren by the throat) That's not written anywhere. (he lifts the vampire from his feet) The Anointed will be my greatest w*apon against the Slayer! If you fail to bring him to me, if you allow that girl to stop you... (throws the vampire into a coffin) Here endeth the lesson. He slams the book shut and walks off. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Buffy is sitting on the table and studying the ring. Giles makes his way down to her from the stacks while leafing through a book. Giles: That symbol on the ring... I believe it's the rune for fidelity, but, uh, it doesn't connect with any of the sects that I've studied. Buffy: What about this? (shows him the ring) On the inside. It's a sun and three stars. Haven't we seen that somewhere? Giles: Let me see. (takes the ring and looks closely) No, I-I don't think this, um, represents any... Buffy: (looks in a book) Wait, it's right here. Sun and three stars. Yuch, check these guys out. (hands Giles the open book) Told you it looked familiar. Giles: Oh, the Order of Aurelius. Yes, you're right. Buffy: Ooo, two points for the Slayer, while the Watcher has yet to score! Owen comes into the library and approaches them. Buffy: Oh! (slides off the table) Owen! Hi! Giles: (looks up at Owen) What do you want? Owen: A book? Giles: Oh! Buffy: (to Giles) See, this is a school, and we have students, and they check out books, and then they learn things. Giles: I was beginning to suspect that was a myth. Owen: I lost my Emily. Dickinson. It's dumb, but I like her around. Kind of a security blanket. Buffy: I have something like that. Well, it's an actual blanket. Uh, and I don't really carry it around anym-more... So! Emily Dickens, huh? She's great! Owen: Dickinson. Buffy: She's good also. Giles: (points at the stacks) Poetry. Owen: (to Buffy) I didn't think I'd find you here. (goes up the stairs) Buffy: (follows Owen) W... Why not? Owen: I, I didn't mean... I mean... I think you can read. Buffy: Thanks. Owen: But you don't seem bookwormy. (finds his book) The type of person to lock themselves in a dark room with a lotta musty old books. (looks up from the book) Oh, and I've offended you. Buffy: No! No, I'm just surprised you gave any thought to what I'm like. Owen: You shouldn't be. (starts back down) Buffy: (follows again) Oh, well, I *love* books. I mean, I really *love* books. Owen sees the book they were consulting earlier on the table and heads over there to take a look. Owen: What's this? Buffy: (gets between him and the book) Not this one. Giles: (picks the book up) This one she doesn't love. He walks around Buffy, takes Owen's book and heads to the checkout station. Giles: Oh, Emily Dickinson. Buffy: We're both fans. Giles: Yes, uh, she's quite a good poet, I mean for a... (takes Owen's library card) Buffy: A girl? Giles: For an American. (scans the book and library card) Owen: (to Buffy) I'll, uh, see you in math... if I open my eyes at some point. (takes the card and book from Giles) Buffy: Cool... Owen leaves. Buffy stares after him. Giles: The Order of Aurelius is a very old and venerated sect. If they're here, it's for a good reason. Buffy: That was Owen! Giles: Yes, I remember. Buffy: Do you have any more copies of Emily Dickinson? I need one. Giles: (exasperated) Buffy, while the mere fact of you wanting to check out a book would be grounds for a national holiday, I think we should focus on the problem at hand. Buffy: Right. I'm sorry, you're right. Vampires. (looks down at her dress) Oh. (looks inquisitively at Giles) Does this outfit make me look fat? Cut to the cafeteria. Buffy and Willow are paying for lunch. Willow: Owen Thurman was talking to you? Buffy: It's all true. Willow: Wow! He hardly talks to anyone. He's solitary, mysterious... He can brood for forty minutes straight, I've clocked him. Buffy: He was so nice, it was eerie. Willow: What did you guys have to talk about? Buffy: (heads for a table) Emily Dickinson. Willow: (follows) He reads Emily Dickinson? He's sensitive, yet manly! (Buffy sets down her tray) Well, wait, you've never even read her. Buffy pulls out the book and sets it down for Willow to see. Willow: You Vixen! (they both sit) Xander: (holds up his fork) Has anybody given any thought to what this green stuff is? Buffy: Hmm, I'm avoiding the subject. Xander: I think it's kale, or possibly string cheese. (lets the fork drop) So, Buffy, how'd the slaying go last night? Buffy: (gives him a stern look) Xander! Xander: I mean, how'd the *laying* go? (gets another look from Buffy) No, I don't mean that either. Buffy: It went fine, thank you. There's some new hoidy-toidy vampire sect in town. Willow: That's bad. Xander: Well, hey, they're bringing in the much needed tourist dollars. (sees Owen) Ooo, look at Mr. Excitement. Buffy: Owen! He's all alone! Maybe somebody should sit with him. Willow: Mm, just to be polite! (Buffy gets up) Good luck! Xander: (to Willow) Okay, what just happened? Buffy walks over to Owen's table. Cordelia is coming over, too, from another direction. Cordelia: Look, an empty seat! (bumps Buffy) Buffy: (spills her tray) Ooo! Ew... Owen: Let me get that. (bends down) Buffy: Thanks! (crouches) Boy! Cordelia's hips are wider than I thought! Cordelia: (sarcastically) Eh, heh! Owen: At least you don't have to eat your Soylent Green. Cordelia: (trying to get attention) Owen, a bunch of us are loitering at the Bronze tonight. You there? Owen: Who's all going? Cordelia: Well, um, I'm gonna be there. Owen: Who else? Cordelia: You mean besides me? Owen: (to Buffy) Buffy, what about you? Buffy: What? Cordelia: No, no, no! She, uh, she doesn't like fun. Owen: How 'bout we meet there at eight? Buffy: Yeah! Eight! There! She puts her empty tray on top of Cordelia's. Cut to the halls. Buffy and Willow come in through the doors. Buffy: It's not that big a deal. It's just a bunch of people getting together. Willow: It's a very big deal! Buffy: It's not! Willow: It is. (spots Giles) Tell her! Giles: I'm afraid it's very big. Willow: (smiles at Buffy) Thank you! (turns back to Giles, confused) Wait! They follow Giles into the library. Cut into the library. Willow: What are you talking about? Giles: What are *you* talking about? Buffy and Willow: Boys! Giles: Yes, well, I'm talking about trouble. A violent and disturbing prophecy is about to be fulfilled. Buffy: The Order of Aurelius. Giles: You were spot on about the connection. (walks over to the table) I've looked at the writings of Aurelius himself, and he, he prophesied that the brethren of his order would come to the Master and bring him the Anointed. Willow: Who's that? Giles: Well, I-I don't know exactly, a-a-a-a warrior, but, but it says he will rise from the ashes of the Five on the evening of the thousandth day after the Advent of Septus. Buffy: Well, we'll be ready whenever it is. Giles: Which is tonight. Buffy: (takes in the information) Tonight, okay... (realizes the conflict) Not okay! It can't be tonight! Giles: My calculations are precise. Buffy: Nuh! They're bad calculations! Bad! Willow: Buffy has a really important date. Buffy: Owen! Giles: Alright, I-I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show. Buffy: Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm. Giles: Buffy, this is no ordinary vampire. But we have to stop him before he reaches the Master. Buffy: But... Cute guy! Teenager! Post-pubescent fantasies! Giles: Those will just have to be put on hold! The dark forces are aligning against us, and we have a chance to b*at them back. Tonight we go into battle! Cut to the graveyard. Giles and Buffy are sitting on a large gravestone. Giles: (sniffs) Perhaps I miscalculated. Buffy: I'm thinking yes. (sucks her drink dry) Giles: Well, you know what they say. 90% of the vampire slaying game is, is waiting. Buffy: You couldn't have told me that 90% ago? Giles: Well, we, we've certainly waited here long enough. (gets up) Buffy: Besides, there aren't any fresh graves. Who's gonna rise? Giles: Apparently no one tonight. Buffy: (jumps up) Then I can bail? I can go to the Bronze and find Owen? Giles: Oh, very well then. Follow your hormones if you want. (Buffy hops down and starts to go) But I assume I don't have to warn you about the hazards of becoming personally involved with someone who's unaware of your unique condition. Buffy: Yeah, yeah, I read the back of the box. Giles: If your identity as the Slayer is revealed it could put you and all those around you in grave danger. Buffy: Well, in that case I won't wear my button that says, 'I'm the Slayer, ask me how!' (gets a look from Giles) Good night. (leaves) Giles: 'Five shall die, and from their ashes the Anointed shall rise.' I was sure it was tonight. Cut to a bus. The passengers ride in silence. Collin: (to Andrew) I went on an airplane. Andrew: A pale horse emerged with death as its rider. You will be judged. You will be judged. Cut to the Bronze. Buffy goes in and looks around for Owen. "Rotten Apple" by Three Day Wheely is playing on the sound system. Lyrics: ...is real / Then you wake up shouting some familiar name / It's not the same Buffy sees Owen dancing with Cordelia. She looks on, crushed by the sight of them together. Lyrics: You're just a girl / Just a girl who knows no shame / Whose desperate pace has lost its taste / A never-ending darkness weighs / I can't avoid, I can't complain / I know exactly who's to blame / The girl who shares my... Cut to the bus. Andrew has gotten up and stands in the aisle. Andrew: That day's gonna bring f*re. f*re comin' down! Judgment! (to Collin and his mom) Don't think you're ready, ready to look upon him. If there's sin in there, there's sin all around. It's a liquid. On that day there won't be anybody tellin' us what to do or why we're doin' it. You can't prepare. On that day... Driver: (to Andrew) Hey, you gotta sit down. Okay? Andrew: Are you willing to stand with the righteous? One of the brethren steps in front of the bus. The driver hits the brakes and slams into the vampire. The van begins to swerve, runs through a sign and hits a pole, which brings it to a stop. Driver: (looks back at the passengers) Is everyone okay? The passengers look at each other. They all seem shaken but okay. The driver gets out to check the victim. Driver: (to victim) Are you all right? (kneels down beside him) Can you move? The vampire grabs him by the throat and begins choking him. Another one punches through a window, grabs Andrew by the throat, pulls him out and bites him. The vampires all climb into the bus to get the other people. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ In the school halls at Buffy's locker. She slams it shut and leans on it. Xander: So you just went home? Buffy: What was I supposed to do? Say to Owen, 'Sorry I was late, I was sitting in a cemetery with the librarian waiting for a vampire to rise so I could prevent an evil prophecy from coming to pass?' Xander: (weighs options with his hands) Or flat tire? Buffy: (starts walking) I can't take this anymore. I feel like everyone is staring at me, the big, hideous, dateless monster. (to a passing student) What? Yeah, that's right, I have no life, c'mon, nothin' to see here, pal, move it along! Cut to a different part of the hall. Xander: You're acting a little overly, aren't you? I mean, you could have any guy in school. Buffy: He's not any guy. He's more... Oweny. Xander: Sure, he's got a certain Owenosity, but that's not hard to find. (they reach his locker) I mean, a lotta guys read. (with a goofy smile) I can read. Buffy is leaning on the lockers looking down when she notices Owen come up to her. Owen: Hey, Buffy! Buffy: Owen! Xander: Oh, look, it's Owen. (gets a look from Buffy) Buffy and Owen. And Xander. That'd be me. Owen: W-where were you last night? Buffy: Oh. Well, um, my watch broke and we don't have any clocks in our house and so I didn't know what time it was or even what day it was... Owen: I thought I was the only one that happened to. How 'bout we try it again for tonight? I'll even lend you my watch. He hands her his gold pocket watch and chain. Xander looks at the watch in wide-eyed amazement. Buffy accepts it. Buffy: Tonight? Y-you and me? Xander looks at his Tweety wristwatch. Owen: Well, we could invite the chess club, but they drink and they start fights... Buffy: Oh, no, it's just... Well, I... sort of heard that... you and Cordelia were... somewhat... all over each other. A little... Owen: I danced with her a couple of times. (with a look of distaste) She's kinda grabby. Buffy: Oh, well, let's see, if I rearrange that, and I push that to n... Sure! Tonight'll work! Owen: Great! I'll pick you up at seven? Buffy: Um, seven! Owen: That's when the little hand's (points on the pocket watch) there. Buffy: Oh! Between the six and the eight. Owen: Um, I'll see you then! (leaves) Buffy: (watches him go) Tonight! Isn't that so? Xander: What? Buffy: Me and Owen! (walks off) Xander: (feeling down) Yeah, so it is. (closes his locker) It sure is so. Cut to Giles' office. He has a headache from researching and is just sitting down to have some tea. Buffy barges in. Buffy: Hey, how's it going? Giles: Uh, alright. Buffy: That's great! I see we're still working on that Anointed One problem, that'll probably take you a few days, right? I mean, that's one obscure prophecy... Giles: Well, yes, there are a few interpretations... Buffy: So tonight's looking slow, right? Probably best to relax and regroup, no big disasters coming, that is *so* good, I will see you tomorrow then! Bye! (leaves quickly) Giles: She is the strangest girl. Cut to the Master's lair. Master: You have done well. Everything is in place. When this night's work is done, I will have a mighty ally. I'll be one step closer to freeing myself from this... mystical prison. (feels his confines) I've been trapped down here so long I've nearly forgotten what it's like on the surface. Well, there'll be time enough to remember... when I rule it! If she tries to stop you, k*ll her. Give your own lives, but do not fail to bring the Anointed. I know you won't disappoint me. (quickly grabs a bug from the air) Bug! Cut to Buffy's room. She's wearing her bathrobe, and Willow is helping her decide on an outfit. Willow: Pick! Buffy: (to Xander) Okay, (Willow holds up one minidress) do I wanna appear shy, coy and naive or (Willow holds up the other) unrestrained, insatiable and aggressive? Xander: (watching from the bed) Uh, y'know, Owen is a little home spun, he probably doesn't like that overly assertive look. (goes to her closet) Oh, hey, here's something. A nice comfy overcoat and a ski cap! (holds them up to her) The ear flaps will bring out your eyes! Buffy and Willow exchange a look. Buffy: Maybe I should mix and match. (Willow nods) Okay, guy's opinion. (grabs two lipsticks from her desk) Which one do you think Owen will like better? (holds them up) The red or the peach? Xander: Oh, you mean for kissing you and then telling all his friends how easy you are so the whole school loses respect for you and then talks behind your back? The red's fine. Buffy: Thanks. I'll go with the peach. (puts on the lipstick) Willow: (hands Buffy a third minidress) Here, put this on. Buffy and Willow look at Xander. Xander: You're not bothering me! Willow sighs and pushes him away. Willow: (to Buffy) So, where's he taking you? Buffy: Oh, I don't know. Where do you suppose young kids go on dates these days? (unties her bathrobe) Xander goes over to her drawer chest and tries to angle the mirror inside a box so he can see. Willow: Well, I read somewhere once that sometimes they go to movies. Buffy: (finishes pulling on the minidress) Movies! Interesting! Willow: And I saw on TV once, a bunch of people our age went to a party. Buffy: (pulls on a boot) Wow! I never knew being a teenager was so full of possibilities! (pulls on the other boot) Xander fumbles with the box. Buffy and Willow look over at him. The door bell rings. Buffy: That's Owen! Cut to Buffy opening the door. Buffy: That's Giles. Giles: We need to talk. Buffy: Buffy's not home. (tries to close the door) Giles: (pushes the door open and comes in) My calculations may not have been as far off as I thought. (holds up a newspaper) Buffy: (reads) 'Five Die in Van Accident'? Giles: Out of the ashes of five shall rise the one. That's the prophecy. Five people have died! Buffy: In a car crash. Giles: I know it doesn't quite follow, but, but it's worth investigating. Look! Among the d*ad was Andrew Borba, whom the police sought for questioning in a double m*rder. Now, he may be the Anointed One. The, the bodies have been taken to, to Sunnydale Funeral Home, w-we can... Buffy: (interrupts) Giles, why do you wanna hurt me? Giles: I beg your pardon? Owen: (shows up at the open door) Hey! (comes in) Uh, hi! Giles: You have a date. Buffy: Yes, but I will return those overdue books by tomorrow. Giles: Wait, you're not getting off that easily. Owen: Man, you really care about your work! Willow: (thinking quickly) Uh, Owen? Xander: Yeah, a couple of things about tonight. Willow and Xander lead Owen into the living room. Giles: Another date? Don't you ever do anything else? Buffy: This is the first date! There's never been a date, okay? This is my maiden voyage! Cut to the next room. Owen: What, she doesn't like to dance? Xander: Well, it's a little too late to do anything about that. Uh, you should probably know that Buffy doesn't like to be kissed. Actually she doesn't like to be touched. Willow: Xander... Xander: As a matter of fact, don't even look at her. Cut back to the foyer. Buffy: We don't even know if this is anything. Giles: No, we don't. Buffy: And I haven't had a day off in a while. Giles: True... Buffy: And a cranky Slayer is a careless Slayer! Giles: Buffy, maintaining a normal social life as a Slayer... i-i-is problematic at best. Buffy: This is the 90's. The 1990's, in point of fact, and I can do both. Clark Kent has a job. I just wanna go on a date. Giles: Well, I, I suppose it was a fairly slim lead... Buffy: (pleased) Thank you, thank you, thank you! And look, I won't go far, okay? If the apocalypse comes, beep me. Owen: (comes back) Is everything cool? Buffy: All set. Giles: Yes, and, uh, you'll face a pretty hefty fine in the morning. Buffy: Well, bye. Don't wait up. (leaves quickly with Owen) Willow: Is something going on? Giles: Oh, uh, probably not, no. I, uh, I suppose I'll just, uh, go to the funeral home in case, just see if anything comes up. (leaves) Willow: (to Xander, concerned) This is bad. Xander: I wish it was just bad. Willow: We should... go along. Xander: Yeah, you're right. I don't trust that Owen guy. It's the eyes. Crazy! Willow: Xander, we should go with Giles! He could get in trouble! Xander: Oh, he's gone, uh, it's, he's gonna be alright. He's like super librarian, y'know? Everyone forgets, Willow, that knowledge is the ultimate w*apon. Cut to the Bronze. Velvet Chain is playing tonight. They begin with "Strong". Owen and Buffy are sitting at a table talking. Lyrics: I'll be right along / 'Cause, baby, you're so strong Owen: The thing about Emily Dickinson I love is, is she's just so incredibly morbid. A lot of loss, a lot of death... It gets me. With a lot about bees, for some reason. Buffy: Did she have a tragic and romantic life? With a lotta bees? Owen: Quiet. Kind of sequestered and uneventful. Which I can really relate to. I... don't get out much. Buffy: I don't get that. Owen: It's my fault. I just find most girls pretty frivolous. I mean, there's a lot more important things in life than dating, y'know? (Buffy looks down at her beeper) Oh. Did I say something wrong? Buffy: Uh, no! Come on. She leads Owen to the dance floor. Lyrics: Baby, baby, I know it's always been so / Physical love is, oh, so meaningful for you Buffy and Owen dance close. Owen: It's weird. Buffy: What is? Owen: You! One minute you're right there. I've got you figured. The next, it's like you're two people. Buffy: Really? Which one do you like better? Owen: I'll let you know. Lyrics: So strong / Baby, I'm yours / You know / Because you're so / So strong Cut to Cordelia entering the Bronze with some of her friends. She sees Buffy with Owen. Cordelia: Aren't there laws against this sort of thing? (walks over to Buffy and Owen) Owen! Look at you, here all alone... Lyrics: You're so, so strong Owen: Cordelia, I'm here with Buffy. Cordelia: Oh! Okay. Do you wanna dance? Owen: No, I'm still here with Buffy. Cordelia: You are so good to help the needy. Buffy: Cordelia, Owen and I would like to be alone right now, and for that to happen, you would have to go somewhere that's away. Cordelia: (gives Buffy a look) (to Owen) Well, when you're ready for the big leagues, let me know. (leaves) Lyrics: You would suffer, suffer for me Cut to the Sunnydale Funeral Home. Giles drives up in his ancient car. It's quiet. He gets out, slings his bag over his shoulder and starts around his car to the building. The night is creepy, and he has a look around. He continues toward the building, but stops short when he senses something. He looks around again to his right. Nothing. As he turn back he sees one of the brethren in front of him. He starts to back away, but another one is behind him. Giles: Damn! ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ In front of the Sunnydale Funeral Home. Giles is caught between two of the brethren of the Order of Aurelius. He pulls a cross from his bag and holds it up to them. They cower away in pain. Giles makes a dash for the building. Cut inside. Giles looks around and puts his cross back into his bag. He runs to the flower room door and finds it locked. The brethren come into the building after him. Cut to the Bronze. Velvet Chain is playing a new song, "Treason". Lyrics: I have a window in my mind / I can turn to look right through you Owen: Are you, uh, having fun? Buffy: Yeah. I almost feel like a girl. Lyrics: Won't cost you anything but time / To see me feel like you do They smile at each other and continue to dance. Cut to the funeral home. Giles finds the door to the morgue unlocked and rushes in. He slams the door behind him and looks around. He grabs a filing cabinet, tilts it and drags it over to block the door. It works, the brethren can't readily open it. Giles looks around for a way out. The windows are barred. He sees Willow and Xander through the bars. Giles: (startled) AH! Willow: (Willow and Xander raise the window sash) Giles, it's us! Giles: What are you doing here? Xander: We saw two guys going in after you. Are they... Giles: (looks at the door) They are! (looks back) Uh, listen, you should get to safety. Willow: Can you get out this window? Giles: (tests the bars) I'm afraid not. Xander: Look, I hate to state the obvious, but this looks like a job for Buffy? Giles: Uh, she has her, her... beeping thing! (looks around) Um, no phone, of course. Xander: Look, we'll get her, just, uh, hang in there. (Willow and Xander leave) Giles: (worried) Do hurry. Cut to the Bronze. Owen and Buffy are standing by the stairs. Owen: Do you want something to eat? Buffy: Sure. Just make it something fattening. Cordelia: (looking on from the shadows by a door) What a disgusting display. Is that really appropriate behavior in a public forum? I mean, I've never seen a girl throw herself at a guy like that. Uhhh! The door opens and Angel comes in. Cordelia: Ooo! Hello, salty goodness! (to her friend) Pick up the phone, call 911. That boy is gonna need some serious oxygen after I'm through with him. She starts to follow Angel, but stops when she sees him go over to Buffy. Angel: Buffy. Buffy: Angel. Cordelia: Why is this happening to me? Angel: (to Buffy) I was hoping I'd find you here. Buffy: You were? Angel: Some serious stuff happening tonight. You need to be out there. Buffy: No, not you, too. (tries to leave) Angel: (stops her) What do you know? Buffy: Prophecy, Anointed One, yada, yada, yada... Angel: So you know. Fine. I just thought I'd warn you. Buffy: Warn me? You see that guy over there at the bar? (walks around him and faces Owen) He came here to be with me. Angel: You're here on a date? Buffy: (turns to Angel) Yes! Why is it such a shock to everyone? Owen: (returns) Here you go. Buffy: Oh. (looks between Angel and Owen) Um, Owen, this is Angel. Angel, this is Owen. (puts her arm around him) Who is my date. Angel: Hey. Owen: Hey! So. Where do you know Buffy from? Angel: Work. Owen: (to Buffy) You work? Willow and Xander come running up out of breath. Willow: Buffy! Owen: Look at this! You show up everywhere. Interesting. Xander: (points at Owen) You don't know the half of it. (points at Angel) What's he doing here? Angel: I guess it's the same thing you're doin' here. Buffy: Uh, excuse me, what are any of you doing here? Xander: Look, we gotta get to, uh... (Willow kicks him) Uhhhh. We thought it'd be fun if, uh, we made this a double date! Willow and Xander put their arms around each other. Buffy: I didn't know you guys were seeing each other. Willow: Oh, yeah, well, we knew it would happen eventually, so we figured, hey! Why fight it? Owen: And you guys are thinking double? Xander: 'Cause of... (laughs nervously) ...the fun! Owen: (to Angel) And you're here because of work? Xander: Hey, maybe we should all go somewhere together. Buffy: Gee, that's so nice of you to ask, but Owen and I were, well, sort of... Owen and I. Xander: You know what'd be cool? The Sunnydale Funeral Home! Willow: (emphasizing) I've always wanted to go there! Buffy: The funeral home? Owen: Actually, that sounds kinda cool! Do you think we could all sneak in? Xander: We saw some guys in there before. They seemed to be (to Buffy) having fun! Buffy: (to herself) Bite me! She looks up at Angel. He gives her an 'I told you so' look. Buffy: (exhales) (to Owen) Um, Owen, I gotta go. Owen: I thought we were going to the funeral home. Buffy: No, you can't. I'll tell you what. I'll be back in a little while. Owen: Buffy... (leads her away) What's the deal? Do you wanna bail on me? Buffy: No! No... no... uh... You remember when you said I was like two different people? Well, one of them has to go. But the other one is having a really, really good time, and will come back. I promise. Owen just nods his head and watches her go. She comes back and lays a kiss on him. Then she really leaves with Willow and Xander close behind. Owen: (to Angel) She's the strangest girl! Cut to the funeral home. Everything seems quiet. Buffy, Willow and Xander come in through the front door. Buffy: Which way? Willow: The room's around back. They go off to their left. Around a corner they h*t a d*ad end. Buffy: Damn it! Owen: (appears behind them) This is so cool! Buffy: Uh, Owen! You can't be here! Owen: Oh, and I suppose you guys are allowed? What are we doin' here? Are we gonna see a d*ad body? Buffy: Possibly several. (to Xander and Willow) Guys, watch him. (runs back the way they came) Owen: Is she mad? Willow: Oh, she just wants to make sure there're no guards so we don't get in trouble. Owen: Good thinking. Xander: (to Willow) Good thinking. They start after Buffy. Cut to Buffy quietly walking down the hall, looking and listening. She finds the morgue door open and goes in. The place is a shambles. Buffy: Giles? His bag is on the autopsy gurney. The window bars are torn open. She finds his cross. Suddenly one of the doors to a body storage drawer opens in front of her and the drawer rolls out. Buffy jumps back, startled. Buffy: Giles! Giles: It is you. Oh, good. Buffy: What happened? Giles: Uh, two more of the brethren came in here. They came after me. But I was more than a match for them. Buffy: Meaning...? Giles: I hid. Uh, this, uh, chap was good enough to bunk with me till they went away. (he jumps down off of the cadaver) Buffy: Well, w-were they here after you, or w-was it that prophecy thing? Giles: Ah, well, that's what we have to find out. I don't know what these brethren mean to do exactly. Find the Anointed, or, or, or, or give him something perhaps, uh, it's all, all very vague! And the Anointed may be long gone! Buffy: But he may not be. Giles: We must find out. Buffy: Okay, I just need to get Owen and the others out of harm's way first. Giles: Owen? You brought a date? Buffy: (exhales) I didn't bring him, he came. Giles: Buffy, when I said you could slay vampires and have a social life, I didn't mean at the same time. Buffy: I know. I'll get rid of him. (starts to leave) Giles: Y-you can't make him go out there alone, we don't know where the brethren are. I-I'll just... Buffy: No! No, Giles, he sees you, he's gonna have more questions than he already does right now. I'll take care of it. She runs out into the hall and looks around for the others. They come around a corner and see her. Willow: Is everything okay? Buffy: It is. Xander: And we'll be leaving? Owen: We're not done lookin' around yet! Buffy: No, he's right. So let's find a nice, safe, fun room to look around in. She takes Owen's hand and leads the group down the hall. They reach the office door. Owen: We tried the office here, but it's locked. Buffy: (breaks the lock) No it's not! (goes in) Owen: Well, I don't think we'll find much in here. Buffy: (looks around) That's the plan. Owen: Okay. (confused) What? Buffy: (finished looking) I have to go now. (laughs nervously) Um, to the bathroom, I have to go to the bathroom. If you hear anything, like a security guard or something, just be really quiet. (to Willow and Xander) And barricade the door. She goes out into the hall again and looks around on her way back to the morgue. Xander closes the office door. Cut to the morgue. Buffy and Giles start looking through the body drawers hoping to find the Anointed One. Buffy: (opens one) Ewww, parts! Giles: Keep looking, he must be here somewhere. Cut to the office. Willow and Xander start to pile furniture in front of the office door. Owen: What are you guys doing? Willow: Uh, just in case! Owen sees a curtain and draws it open. Behind the window he sees a body covered with a sheet. Owen: Oh, my! Willow and Xander turn around to look. Cut to the morgue. Buffy and Giles are still looking. There's only one storage cell left. Giles opens it quickly and Buffy pulls out the drawer. It's empty. Buffy: Nothing. Giles: The Anointed must be gone. Buffy: I guess. I mean, this is where they keep all the d*ad bodies, right? Giles: Mm-hm. Cut to the office. Owen is looking at the body with fascination. Willow and Xander look worried. Owen: I read a lot about death, but... but I've... never really seen a d*ad body before. The body's hand moves. Owen: Do they... usually move? The hand moves again. Willow and Xander approach to have a closer look. The hand reaches up and pulls the sheet off. Andrew sits up and faces them. He is a vampire now. He stands up, looks down at himself and flexes his hands. He looks back up at them. Andrew: I have been judged! ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The mortuary office. Owen: What's goin' on? They back away from the window slowly. Andrew approaches the window and smashes it with his forehead. Cut to the morgue. Buffy and Giles hear the window being smashed. Buffy: Oh, no! She starts running to the office. Cut to the office. Andrew: (laughs) He is risen in me! He fills my head with song! Owen, Willow and Xander frantically begin moving the furniture away from the door. Andrew steps through the opening. Andrew: Pork and beans. Pork and beans! Xander: (to Willow) Gimme that! Andrew: I can smell you. They get the furniture moved. Willow opens the door and they run out. Andrew follows at a quick walk. Andrew: You're the chaff, unblessed. I'll suck the blood from your hearts, he says I may! Cut to the hall. Buffy meets them running down the hall. Xander: He's in there! Buffy: Uh, go! Get out! Xander: She'll be okay. C'mon! They continue running. Buffy tries to find Andrew. She can hear him singing as he comes down the hall toward her. Andrew: Shall we gather at the river? / The beautiful, the beautiful river? She decides to try to head him off another way. Xander, Willow and Owen find the exit, but are blocked by the brethren. Willow screams. Xander pulls her around and behind himself. Instead of attacking, the brethren close the gates. The hall is empty, but they can hear Andrew singing. Willow: I think he's coming this way! They run and find themselves at the same d*ad end as when they first got there. Owen: Oh, God, this is too much! Cut to the morgue. Giles is still there. Buffy rushes in. Buffy: What've you got? Giles: What? Buffy: What'd you bring? Do you have a stake? Giles: Oh, uh... (hands her a stake.) Buffy: Thank you! (starts back out the door) Giles: W-what should I do? Buffy: (faces Giles) Um, go outside and make sure the others are okay. Andrew comes up behind Buffy, grabs her and throws her into a cabinet. She hits the floor unconscious. Giles rushes to her aid. Giles: Buffy! Cut to the hall. Owen: Somebody's gotta help Buffy! Willow: Owen! Owen starts to run to the morgue. Willow and Xander follow. Cut to the morgue. Buffy is awake again, but still on the floor. Andrew approaches Giles. Andrew: They told me about you while I was sleeping. Giles holds up his cross. It is painful to Andrew. Andrew: Uh! Why does he hurt me? He slaps Giles' hand away, and the cross goes flying. He grabs Giles and throws him into the crematory controls. The fires in the chamber light. Giles falls unconscious. Andrew bends down to pick Buffy up. Owen comes running in. Owen: Buffy! Andrew raises her above his head. Owen: No! He grabs a tray and swings it into Andrew's back, stunning him. His knees buckle and he lets go of Buffy. She staggers into an open body drawer door and falls down unconscious. Andrew turns, grabs Owen by the neck and growls as he moves in to bite. Owen grabs an urn from a shelf and smashes it over Andrew's head. He falls. Owen goes over to help Buffy. She wakes up again and tries to get up. Owen: Did you see that? He tried to bite me! (helps Buffy up) What a sissy! Andrew gets back up, grabs Owen and smashes a body drawer door into the back of his head, knocking him out. Buffy: No! Andrew: d*ad! (lets Owen fall) He was found wanting! Buffy gets him solidly in the gut with a front snap kick. He rolls over the autopsy gurney and onto the floor. She runs around to the far end of the gurney. Andrew quickly gets up. She pushes the gurney into his gut, and then pushes down on her end so it pivots up to h*t him in the chin. He staggers back and falls. She jumps up onto the gurney and does a roundoff onto the floor as he gets up. He swings widely at Buffy's face, but she blocks it. He tries again with his other arm, hitting Buffy solidly in the face and knocking her to the ground. He taunts her as she quickly gets up. Buffy: You k*lled my date! Willow and Xander appear at the door. Willow sees Owen wake up as Buffy and Andrew fight. Willow: Buffy! Owen's... Xander: (pulls Willow back) J-just give her a sec! Buffy blocks another punch, and then hits Andrew in the face with an open-hand punch. Blocking a second punch from him, she hits him in the gut with another open-hand punch. As he leans forward from the pain, she knees him in the gut, and then shoves him backward into a counter. Buffy: You k*lled my date! Giles regains consciousness. Andrew turns back to Buffy. Andrew: Your turn! He lunges at Buffy, but she sidesteps him and uses his forward momentum to launch him into the air. He lands on the gurney, and it rolls over to the crematory. The gurney stops when it hits, but Andrew continues to slide through the open door. Giles kicks the gurney away and slams the crematory door shut. Andrew screams. Buffy watches him burn through the small window. Then she notices Owen trying to sit up. Owen: Does anyone have an aspirin? Or sixty? Buffy: (goes to Owen) Owen! (crouches beside him) Owen: What happened to that guy? Buffy: Oh... We scared him away. Owen: Oh, good. 'Cause, y'know, I would've... Buffy: I know. Here... (helps him up) I'm sure this isn't exactly what you had in mind for our first date. Owen: (rubs his head) Yeah! I was hoping maybe we'd finish at Ben & Jerry's. Buffy: We still could... Owen: No, I, I, I think I'll just walk home. (starts to go, but stops) Uh, which way's home? Buffy: I'll get you there. Owen: No, I'll, I'll go it alone. Willow and Xander come over. Xander: We'll make sure he gets home safely. They lead Owen away. Buffy watches them go. Giles comes over behind her. Giles: Buffy, if I might, uh... Buffy: (cuts him off) Don't! (slowly walks out) Cut to the school. Buffy, Xander and Willow are walking along the balcony. Buffy: Well, did Owen say anything about me on the way home? Willow: Oh, you mean specifically about you? Buffy: Or generally... i-in the area, in the ballpark, any sort of indication? They round the corner and start down the stairs. Xander: Well, in that case, no. Willow: But he was pretty incoherent, so we might've missed it. Buffy: You think? Xander: No. Buffy: I knew it. I totally blew it last night! Xander: No, see, what you need is a guy who already knows your deepest, darkest secrets and still says, 'Hey! I like that girl!' Someone like... Buffy: (sees Owen) Owen! Willow: Well, heh... This is our stop. She walks around Buffy and drags Xander away with her. Owen: Hi. Buffy: Hi. (long awkward pause) This is going well. Owen: I don't really know how to say this, but... about last night... Buffy: You don't even have to. I'm sure you were pretty freaked out. Owen: Totally. (Buffy looks down) And... I was wondering when I could see you again. Buffy: (looks back up) Um, that was my hopeful ear. Could you repeat that? Owen: I think you're the coolest! Buffy: (smiles) Really? Owen: I mean, last night was incredible! I never thought nearly getting k*lled would make me feel so... alive! Buffy: (looks down and starts to walk) So that's why you wanna be with me. Owen: (follows her) Oh, absolutely! When can we do something like that again? Buffy: Something like... Owen: Like, walk downtown at three in the morning, a-and pick a fight in a bar. How about tonight? Buffy: Tonight would... (they stop walking) be... not a workable thing. Did I just say that? Owen: Tomorrow, then. I-I'm free any night this week. Buffy: I'm not. Please don't take this personally. It's not you, it's me. Owen: (beginning to get it) Right. It's you. Buffy: And I was kinda hoping that... maybe you and I could still be... Owen: (very disappointed) I, I get it. You just wanna be friends. Buffy: That'd be nice. Owen: Friends. Yeah. Great. (leaves) Lyrics: The world will keep on turning / It'll all be there come morning / So tonight... Buffy: Yeah. Great. Lyrics: Let the sun fall down all around you (song by Kim Richey) Giles comes up behind her. They watch Owen leave. Buffy notices Giles and looks at him. He's at a loss. She goes over to sit on a bench. Giles follows her. Giles: I was ten years old when my father told me I was destined to be a Watcher. (sits next to her) He was one, and his, uh, mother before him, and I was to be next. Buffy: Were you thrilled beyond all measure? Giles: No, I had very definite plans about my future. I was going to be a fighter pilot. Or possibly a grocer, well, uh... My father gave me a very tiresome speech about, uh, responsibility and sacrifice. Buffy: Sacrifice, huh? Giles: (looks toward Owen) Seems like a nice lad. Buffy: Yeah. But he wants to be danger man. You, Xander, Willow, you guys... you guys know the score, you're careful. Two days in my world and Owen really would get himself k*lled. Or I'd get him k*lled. (faces Giles) Or someone else. Giles: I, I went to the funeral home of my own free will. Buffy: And I should've been there. Giles: Buffy... Buffy: I blew it! Giles: I have volumes of lore, of prophecies, of predictions. But I don't have an instruction manual. We feel our way as we go along. And, I must say, as a Slayer, you're, you're doing... pretty well. Buffy: (smiles) Well. At least I did stop that prophecy thing from coming true. Giles: You did! Handily. No more Anointed One. And I would imagine the Master, wherever he is, is having a fairly bad day himself. He smiles. Buffy laughs back. Cut to the Master in his Lair. Master: (quotes scripture) 'And in this time will come the Anointed. And the Slayer will not know him. She will not stop him, and he will lead her into hell.' (kneels down next to Collin) Welcome, my friend. The End

{"type": "series", "show": "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "episode": "01x05 - Never k*ll A Boy on the First Date"}

foreverdreaming

~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~ In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. The Sunnydale Zoo. A sign points to the reptiles, elephants and the Hyena House. The camera pans down from the sign to Buffy walking along the path by herself. Kyle and his g*ng see her coming. Kyle: Oh, look. It's Buffy and all her friends. Buffy: That's a witty. Tor: Do you ever wonder why nobody cool wants to hang out with you? Buffy: Just thankful. Rhonda: Were you this popular at your old school? Before you got kicked out? The group laughs, and they continue on their way, leaving Buffy standing there alone. Tor: (to Buffy as they leave) Careful! She might b*at you up! Cut to the elephants. Buffy is reading the plaque when Xander and Willow come running up. Xander: Hey! Buffy! Willow: You missed it! Buffy: Missed what? Xander: We just saw the zebras mating! (nods to Willow) Thank you, very exciting... Willow: It was like the Heimlich, with stripes! Buffy: And I missed it. Yet somehow I'll find the courage to live on. (begins walking) Willow: (follows) Where were you? Buffy: Uh, I was looking at the fishes. Willow: Was it cool? Buffy: It was fishes. Xander: I'm feelin' that you're not in the field trip spirit here. Buffy: Well, it would... It's nothing, I... We do the same zoo trip at my old school every year. Same old, same old. Xander: Buffy, this isn't just about looking at a bunch of animals. This is about not being in class! Buffy: (brightens) You know, you're right! Suddenly the animals look shiny and new. Xander: Gotta have perspective. Cut to the monkeys. Lance is sketching them into his notebook. Kyle and his cronies approach him. Kyle: Lance! How's it goin'? Lance: Hey, Kyle. Kyle: So, is this like a, uh, family reunion? Lance: No. Kyle: I think it's a family reunion. It's so... touching. Doesn't anybody have a camera? (makes a sudden photo-taking gesture) Whapish! Rhonda: (behind Lance) Hey, does your mom still pick out your lice, or are you old enough to do that yourself now? Lance: Quit it, huh? (Tor takes his notebook) Hey! Guys, c'mon! It's got my notes in there! Mr. Flutie: (sees the commotion) What's going on here? I've had it up to here with you four! What're you doing? Kyle: Nothing. Mr. Flutie: Did I ask you to speak? Okay, I guess I did, but I want the truth. Lance? Lance: They weren't doing anything. Really! (lets out a nervous laugh) We were just playin' around. Mr. Flutie: Alright. (starts away, but turns back) I'll be watching you. (leaves) Kyle: (points at Lance) You! Came through big time. Rhonda: Way to go, Lance! Tor: Flutie's been looking for a reason to come down on us. Lance: It's okay. Kyle: Come on, we're gonna check out the Hyena House. Lance: But I think it's off-limits. Kyle: And therein, my friend, lies the fun. Lance laughs, and they all go off toward the Hyena House. Cut to the Hyena House. It's closed, but they duck underneath the tape. Buffy, Willow and Xander see them go in. Willow: What are Kyle and his buds doing with Lance? Xander: Oh, playing with him as a cat plays with a mouse. Buffy: What is it with those guys? Willow: They're obnoxious. Professionally. Xander: Well, every school has 'em. So, you start a new school, you get your desks, some blackboards and some mean kids. Buffy: Yeah, well, I'd better extract Lance before... Xander: (interrupts) I'll handle it. This job doesn't require actual slaying. (goes in) Buffy: You don't think we should follow? Willow: Kyle and those guys are jerks, but they're all talk. Mostly. Buffy: Why don't we... Willow: Yeah, why don't we? They duck under the tape and start in, but are caught in the act by a zookeeper. Zookeeper: Oh, hold it, hold it, are you blind, or are you just illiterate? Because hyenas are very quick to prey on the weak. Buffy: Oh, w-we were just gonna take... Zookeeper: You're not going in there. Anyone that does is in a world of trouble. Willow: No, no one's going in there. (she and Buffy come back out) Buffy: Why is it off-limits? Zookeeper: It's a quarantine. These hyenas just came in from Africa, so keep out. Even if they call your name. Buffy: What are you talking about? Zookeeper: The Masai tribesmen told me that hyenas are capable of understanding human speech. They follow humans around by day, learning their names. At night, when the campfire dies, they call out to a person. Once they separate him, the pack (snaps his fingers) devours them. Cut inside the Hyena House. Kyle and the others tear through more tape blocking the way in and look around. Kyle: Cool! He and the girls walk up to the enclosure and look in. Lance stays back with Tor behind him. Lance: I don't see any hyenas. One of the hyenas growls and shows itself between some rocks. Lance: Okay! Now we've seen it. He tries to leave, but Tor stops him. Rhonda: Looks cute. Kyle: I think it looks hungry. (moves toward Lance) He and Tor grab Lance. Lance: No! Tor: C'mon, Spot! Lance: C'mon, stop it! Tor: Supper time! They drag him up the steps and lift him up to the bars. Lance: Guys! Stop! It's not funny! They press him into the bars and down on his neck. Lance: Ow! Stop it! It's not funny! Xander comes in, pulls their arms off of him and helps him away. Xander: (to Kyle) Why don't you pick on somebody your own species? Kyle: What, are *you* gonna get in my face? The hyenas growl. Xander, Kyle and the others look at them. The hyena's eyes flash green, and then two of the kid's eyes do. The hyena's eyes flash green again, and two more kid's eyes do. Cut to a sh*t from above of the sacred circle painted on the floor. Cut to Lance. He makes an anxious move to get away, but trips on a chair and falls. His notebook skids across the floor to the far wall. Kyle and the others turn and laugh when they see him. Lance gets up, retrieves his notebook and rushes out. Xander turns around now, too, and his eyes flash green. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ The Bronze. Cut inside. Willow and Buffy are coming from the bar. Buffy has a drink and a croissant. They make their way over to an empty table. Willow: I thought Xander would be here by now. Buffy: Hmm, that'd make him on time. We couldn't have that! Willow: Did he seem upset at all on the bus back from the zoo? Buffy: About what? Willow: I dunno. He was quiet. Buffy: I didn't notice anything. (they sit) But then again I'm not as hyperaware of him as, oh, say, for example, you. Willow: Hyperaware? Buffy: Well, I'm not constantly monitoring his health, his moods, his blood pressure... Willow: 130 over 80! Buffy: (amused) You got it bad, girl! Willow: He makes my head go tingly. You know what I mean? Buffy: I dimly recall. Willow: But it hasn't happened to you lately? Buffy: Not of late. Willow: Not even for a dangerous and mysterious older man whose leather jacket you're wearing right now? Buffy: (in mock annoyance) Goes with the shoes! Willow: Come on, Angel pushes your buttons. You know he does. Buffy: I suppose some girls might find him good looking... (gets a look from Willow) ...if they have eyes, alright, he's a honey, but... it's just he's never around, and when he is all he wants to do is talk about vampires, and... I, I just can't have a relationship... Willow: (sees Xander) There he is! Buffy: Angel? Willow: Xander! He walks into the club and checks out a girl on the way. She stares after him. He comes up to their table. Xander: Girls! Buffy: Boy! Xander: Sorry I'm late, I... just forgot that we were gonna be here. (sees Buffy's croissant) Hungry! (tears a piece off and eats it) Willow: Xander, you still want me to help you with geometry tomorrow? (Xander takes a swig of Buffy's drink) We can work after class... Xander: (give Willow a thumbs-up) Yeah. (to Buffy) What is this crap? Buffy: Well, it *was* my buttery croissant. Xander: Man, I need some food! Birds live on this! Buffy and Willow look at each other and then at Xander. He looks back and forth at them. Xander: What? Buffy: What's up with you? Willow: Is something wrong? Did I do something? Xander: (to Willow) What could you possibly do? That's crazy talk. I'm just... restless. Willow: Well, we could go to the ice cream place... Xander: (points to the table) I like it here. He looks up and scans the area a bit, and then leans toward Buffy and sniffs her hair. Buffy: Okay, now what? Xander: You took a bath. Buffy: Yeah, I-I often do, I'm actually known for it. Xander: That's okay. Willow and Buffy exchange another look. Buffy: And the weird behavior award goes to... Xander sees Kyle and the others come in. Buffy sees them, too. "Reluctant Man", by Sprung Monkey, starts to play. Lyrics: Oh, Reluctant Man Buffy: Oh, great. It's the winged monkeys. Kyle and company come over to them. Lyrics: Who's afraid to touch the world / Why are you hiding? / What is the base of all your fears? Xander stares back at them. Lyrics: Do you find yourself in a cold cruel world Kyle stops at their table, and he and Xander stare each other down. Lyrics: Dark and desperate, scared and lonely? They go around to another table that's occupied. Lyrics: Selfish Man / Who never gave to no one else / What are you holding? / Is it worth the price you pay? Kyle: (to the boy at the table) Y'know, I don't understand why you're sitting at our table. Lyrics: 'Cause your eyes they see just what you want to see Rhonda: Yeah, shouldn't you be hovering over the football stadium with 'Goodyear' written on you? Lyrics: And I hope they're not staring blindly at me They all laugh. Xander was watching and laughs also as he turns back to Buffy. He stops laughing when he sees she doesn't think it's funny. Xander: Kid's fat. Cut to the school. Cut to the library. Giles is wearing protective gear while Buffy trains on him. She does a roundhouse kick followed by a high punch and a swinging middle punch to Giles' gloved hands. She continues, doing a full spin and finishing with a backhand punch. She does a full spinning jumping high wheel kick followed by a right middle punch, a high roundhouse kick and a front snap kick. Then she jumps high and does a twin straddle kick. She lands back on her feet and moves in to att*ck again, when Giles suddenly jumps back. Giles: Right! (Buffy stops short) That's enough training for one day. Buffy: Well, that last roundhouse was kinda sloppy. Are you sure you don't wanna do it again? Giles: (out of breath) No! No, no, that's fine. You just... run along to class. (Buffy goes) (to himself) While I wait for the feeling to return to my arms. Cut to the halls. Herbert the mascot has gotten loose. The students in the hall are startled and try to get away. Mr. Flutie chases the pig. Mr. Flutie: Look out! It's gotten loose! The camera dodges the students' legs from Herbert's point of view. Buffy comes around the corner, reacts quickly to catch him and picks him up. Mr. Flutie: Lordy, Herbert! Gave Mr. Flutie quite a scare, didn't he? Students, I'd like you all to met Herbert, our new mascot for the Sunnydale High Razorbacks! The students all clap. Buffy: He's so cute! Mr. Flutie: He's not cute. No! He's a fierce Razorback! (more clapping) Buffy: He doesn't look mean, Mr. Flutie. Mr. Flutie: He's mean, he's ready for action! See? (indicates Herbert's helmet with foam tusks) Here are the tusks... (gestures at a piece of serrated green foam tied to Herbert's back) the scary Razorback! Buffy: You're right. He's a fine mascot and will engender school spirit. Mr. Flutie: Uh, he better. Costs a fortune to feed him. (to Herbert) Alright, let's get you back into your cage. Herbert squeals when Buffy wants to hand him to Mr. Flutie. Mr. Flutie: (points behind himself) This way. Cut outside to Willow helping Xander with his geometry. Xander: I'm not getting this. Willow: It's simple, really. See, 'The bisector of a vertex is the line that divides the angle at that vertex into two equal parts.' Xander: It's like a big blur, all these numbers and angles. Willow: It's the same stuff from last week. You had it down then. Xander: Why do I need to learn this? Willow: 'Cause otherwise you'll flunk math? Xander: Explain the part where that's bad. (rubs the bridge of his nose) Willow: You remember, you fail math, you flunk out of school, you end up being the guy at the pizza place that sweeps the floor and says, 'Hey, kids, where's the cool parties this weekend?' We've been through this. (Xander rubs his right temple) Do you have a headache? (reaches up to him) Xander: (shakes her off) Yeah, and I think I know what's causing it. (throws his geometry book into the trash) Ah! That's better, it goes right to the source of the pain. Willow: Xander... Xander: Look, forget it, okay? I don't get it. I won't ever. (gets up) I don't care. He throws his math notebook into Willow's lap and leaves in a huff. Willow: (watches Xander go) We can finish this another time. Cut to the halls. Buffy follows Mr. Flutie to the faculty room with Herbert in her arms. They stop outside. Mr. Flutie: See, the problem is you kids today have no school spirit. Hold on, let me get his outfit off. (removes it) Today it's all gangs and drugs and those movies on Showtime with the nudity. (Buffy gives him a look) I don't have cable, I only heard. When I was your age we cared about the school's reputation and the football team's record, all that stuff! Of course, when I was your age I was surrounded by old guys telling me how much better things were when they were *my* age. (goes into the faculty room) Buffy: (to Herbert) Yeah! Xander comes into the hall from outside. Herbert squeals and reacts to his presence as he walks by. Buffy looks confused as she watches Xander pass, and tries to keep Herbert from jumping out of her arms. Cut outside. Lightning strikes. Cut to the gym. Coach Harrold: Alright, it's raining, all regular gym classes have been postponed, so you know what that means: (holds up a large rubber ball) dodgeball! Now, for those of you that may have forgotten, the rules are as follows: you dodge. He tosses the ball to Buffy. He blows his whistle, and the two groups move back from center court. He whistles again and the ball throwing commences. Xander nails his first victim. Buffy and the pack members easily dodge the balls. The coach enjoys the game from the sidelines. Xander nails another victim. The coach continues to watch. Buffy throws a ball and hits her mark. Xander throws again and nails Willow hard on the back. She gives him a hurt and confused look as she walks off of the court. Xander catches a ball as he watches Willow go, but soon continues the game. Willow sits down, crosses her arms and keeps looking at him. A few seconds later just the pack and Lance are left on one side, Buffy on the other. The pack looks at her, then focuses on Lance. He falls to the floor and cowers as they each throw their ball at him hard. Buffy runs over and helps Lance up. She stares at Xander. He stares back. She watches as he and the others leave. Coach Harrold: God, this game is brutal. I love it! Cut to the halls. Willow is waiting for Xander, and goes up to him when he comes from the other hall with the pack. Willow: Xander... What's wrong with you? He looks at the others briefly and pulls Willow aside. Xander: I guess you've noticed that I've been different around you lately. Willow: Yes. Xander: I think, um... I think it's because my feelings for you have been changing. Buffy comes around the corner to her locker and sees them. She works the combination. Xander: And, well, we've been friends for such a long time that I feel like I need to tell you something. Willow looks at him expectantly. Xander: I've, um... I've decided to drop geometry. So I won't be needing your math help anymore. Which means I won't have to look at your pasty face again. He and the others laugh. Willow is crushed. She turns and leaves. Buffy watches her quickly walk by. She slams her locker and approaches Xander with her arms crossed. He stops laughing. Buffy: You gonna say something to me? Xander just looks at her and starts laughing again more loudly. He goes back to the pack, and they leave. Buffy goes after Willow. Cut outside. The pack walks along. Xander stops and sniffs the air. Xander: Dogs! Kyle: Where? Xander leads them to a group of three boys sitting at a table. Boy#1: You're out of your mind, that's no way to play guitar. Boy#2: What are you talking about? Boy#1: I mean, that's just hunt and peck! Boy#2: It's not! Boy#1: (the pack arrives) Hey, Xander, you've heard Wretched Refuse play, what do you think of the guy who plays lead? Tor reaches for Boy#1's hotdog. Heidi takes Boy#2's hotdog. Boy#1: Hey. Hey, what are you guys... Rhonda: Shut up. Kyle: You're sharing. Xander: Friends like to share. (to Tor and Heidi) Good? Tor: It's too well-done. He throws the rest of the hotdog back on Boy#1's lunch, Heidi back on Boy#2's. Boy#1: Hey! That is not cool. Xander sniffs the air again and looks in the scent's direction. He leads them off. Kyle climbs onto the table and stomps the boys' lunches. Boy#1: Hey! Cut to the faculty room. They all come in. Xander inhales deeply through his nose. The other two boys go to close the blinds. They all approach the cage. Xander bends down to look at Herbert. Xander: Let's do lunch. The pig becomes nervous and squeals. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ Outside at school. Xander and the pack come walking up some stairs in slow motion. Several students stare at them as they walk by. "Job's Eyes", by Far, plays as the background music. Lyrics: I'm sure this rain won't last / I'm sure its time is up / Though it's pouring down Lance walks by and just stops in front of them. They look at him and Xander sniffs him, but they keep walking right by him. Lyrics: I'm sure this rain won't last / And it falls on Job's eyes / This water of doubt / And I'm wading in lies / It's wearing me out / But if you want it, alright / I'll buy it / I'll buy it / I'll buy it / I'll buy it / I'll buy it / I'll... Xander notices Buffy and Willow sitting and talking on the balcony above. His hearing has become sensitive and he overhears. Willow: I've known him my whole life, Buffy. Cut to the girls. Willow: (tears in her eyes) Well, we haven't always been close, but he's never... (exhales) Buffy: I think something's wrong with him. Willow: Or maybe there's something wrong with me. Buffy: What are you talking about? Willow: C'mon. He's not picking on you. He's just sniffing you a lot. I don't know, maybe three isn't company anymore. Buffy: You think this has something to do with me? Willow: Of course. Buffy: No. That still doesn't explain why he's hanging out with the dode patrol. (hops off the railing) Something's going on. Something weird. (starts to go) Willow: What're you gonna do? Buffy: Talk to the expert on weird. Cut to the library. Giles is going about his work. Buffy follows him as they talk. Giles: Xander's taken to teasing the less fortunate? Buffy: Uh-huh. Giles: And, there's been a noticeable change in both clothing and demeanor? Buffy: Yes. Giles: And, well, otherwise all his spare time is spent lounging about with imbeciles. Buffy: It's bad, isn't it. Giles: It's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen-year-old boy. Course, you'll have to k*ll him. Buffy: Giles, I'm serious. Giles: So am I. Except for the part about k*lling him. Testosterone is a great equalizer. It turns all men into morons. He will, however, get over it. Buffy: (exasperated) I cannot believe that you, of all people, are trying to Scully me. There is something supernatural at work here. (grabs some books) Get your books! Look stuff up! Giles: (takes the books) Look under what? Buffy: I don't know. (exhales) That's your department. Giles: The evidence that you've presented me with is sketchy at best. Buffy: He scared the pig. (Giles gives her a look) Well, he did... Giles: Buffy, boys can be cruel. They tease, they, they, they prey on the weak. I-i-it's natural teen behavior pattern. Buffy: What did you just say? Giles: Um, they tease. Buffy: They prey on the weak. I've heard that somewhere bef... (it clicks in her mind) Xander has been acting totally wiggy ever since we went to the zoo. Him and Kyle and all those guys, they went into the hyena cage. Oh, God, that laugh... Giles: You're saying that, uh, Xander's becoming a hyena. Buffy: I don't know. Or been possessed by one? Not just Xander, all of them. Giles: Well, I-I-I've cer-certainly never heard of, uh... Willow: (comes into the library) Herbert! They found him. Buffy: The pig? Willow: d*ad. And also eaten. Principal Flutie's freaking out. Buffy: (to Giles) Testosterone, huh? Giles heads towards his office. Willow: What're you gonna do? Giles: Get my books. Look stuff up. Cut outside. Mr. Flutie is walking angrily. He sees Kyle and the others. Xander isn't with them. Mr. Flutie approaches them. Mr. Flutie: (angry) You four! Kyle: What? Mr. Flutie: Oh, don't think I don't know. Three kids saw you outside Herbert's room. You're busted! Yeah! You're goin' down. Rhonda: How is Herbert? Heidi: Crunchy! They all laugh. Mr. Flutie is incensed. Mr. Flutie: That's it! My office, right now. (they laugh more) Now! They stop laughing. Kyle gets off of the table and indicates for the others to follow. Mr. Flutie: You're gonna have so much detention, your grandchildren'll be staying after school. Cut to the library. Willow is at the table researching. Buffy is on the stairs behind her with a book. Buffy: Wow! Apparently Noah rejected the hyenas from the Ark because he thought they were an evil impure mixture of dogs and cats. Willow: Hyenas aren't well liked. Buffy: They do seem to be the schmoes of the animal kingdom. (comes over to Willow) Willow: Why couldn't Xander be possessed by a puppy or, or some ducks? Buffy: That's assuming 'possession' is the right word. Giles: (comes over from the cage) Oh, I'll say it is. The Masai of the Serengeti have spoken of animal possession for, for generations. I... I should have remembered that. Buffy: So how does it work? Giles: Well, apparently there's a, a sect of animal worshipers known as Primals. They believe that humanity, uh, consciousness, uh, the soul, is a, is a perversion, a dilution of spirit. Uh, to them the animal state is holy. They are able, through trans-possession, to, to, um, draw the spirit of certain animals into themselves. Buffy: And then they started acting like hyenas. Giles: Well, only the most predatory of animals are, are of interest to the Primals, so, uh, yes, yes, that would fit, yes. Buffy: So, what happens to the person once the spirit's in them? Giles: If it goes unchecked... He hands Buffy a book open to a certain page. She takes one look, slams the book shut and quickly gets up to go. Buffy: I gotta find Xander. Willow picks up the book and opens it to the bookmark. There's a drawing of people with limbs bitten off, heads missing and other massive injuries. Cut to the faculty room. Herbert's cage has been mangled. Buffy comes in and looks around. She inspects the cage. Buffy: (exhales) They are strong. She steps on something that crunches and crouches down to the floor. She finds parts of Herbert, some vertebrae and other bones. She picks up a rib. Xander comes up to stand behind her. Buffy gets back up and turns around, only to be startled by him. Buffy: Xander. She tries to evade him, but he's quick to match her movement. Buffy: (exhales) This is ridiculous. We need to talk. She fakes him out and jumps on him, knocking him down with her on top holding down his arms. Xander: (smiles) Been waitin' for you to jump my bones. Cut to Mr. Flutie's office. He stands in front of his desk and lectures Kyle and his friends. Mr. Flutie: I have seen some sick things in my life! Believe me! But this is beyond the pale! What is it with you people? The pack starts to whine and stalk him. Mr. Flutie: Is it drugs? How could you? A poor defenseless pig? (notices their behavior) What are you doing? Cut to the faculty room. Xander growls and rolls Buffy over onto her back so he's on top now and has her arms pinned down. Buffy: Get off of me. Xander: Is that what you really want? (Buffy struggles a bit) We both know what you really want. You want danger, don't cha? You like your men dangerous. Buffy: You're in trouble, Xander. You are infected with some hyena thing, it's like a demonic possession! Xander: Dangerous and mean, right? Like Angel. Your mystery guy. Well, guess who just got mean. Cut to Mr. Flutie's office. He goes around behind his desk to get away from the pack. They slowly approach. Mr. Flutie: Now, stop that! You're only gonna make things worse for yourselves. I tell you how this is gonna work: I am gonna call your parents, and they are gonna take you all home. He reaches for his phone, but Tor gets his hands on it first and tries to stare him down. Mr. Flutie looks at him a moment and then gestures to be given the phone. Tor gives it to him. Mr. Flutie: Thank you. He starts to pull the phone toward himself to dial, but Rhonda tears it away from him and throws it off of the desk. Rhonda: I'm sorry... Mr. Flutie: That is it! He tries to get past them, but Kyle growls at him and he falls back into his chair. Cut to Buffy and Xander. He is still on top of her. Xander: Do you know how long... I've waited... until you'd stop pretending that we aren't attracted... Buffy throws him off of her and quickly gets up to face him. He gets up, too, and begins to approach her as she backs away. Xander: Until Willow... stops kidding herself... that I could settle with anyone but you? Buffy: Look, Xander, I don't wanna hurt you... He grabs her by the shoulders and pushes her against the vending machine. Xander: Now do you wanna hurt me? Buffy struggles, but the possessed Xander is too strong. Xander: Come on, Slayer. I like it when you're scared. She struggles a bit more. Xander: The more I scare you, (sniffs her) the better you smell. He moves in and kisses her roughly on the neck. Cut to Mr. Flutie's office. The pack continues to taunt and sniff him. Mr. Flutie: You're about this close to expulsion, people! (gets up) I'm willing to talk to the school counselor, and we can discuss options... He tries to go again, but Heidi stops him. Tor climbs onto his desk and growls at him. Mr. Flutie: Get down from there this instant! Rhonda gets in his face and scratches his cheek with her nails. He falls back into his chair with his hand covering his face. He takes his hand away and sees the blood. Mr. Flutie: Are you insane?! Tor jumps on him from the desk, and the rest of the pack descends on him and begins feeding. The camera closes in on a picture of Mr. Flutie on his desk. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Willow is watching footage of feeding hyenas on the PC. She looks up when she hears the door open and stops the playback. She sees Buffy dragging Xander into the library and goes over to them. Buffy: Hurry up. We gotta get him locked up somehow before he comes to. Willow: Oh, my God, Xander! What happened? Buffy: I h*t him. Willow: With what? Buffy: A desk. Willow opens the cage door, and Buffy drags him in. Buffy: He tried his hand at felony sexual as*ault. Willow: Oh, Buffy, the hyena in him didn't... Buffy: No. (they arrange him on the floor of the cage) No, but it's safe to say that in his animal state his idea of wooing doesn't involve a Yanni CD and a bottle of Chianti. (locks the cage) There, that oughtta hold him. Where's Giles? Willow: He got called to some teacher's meeting. What are we gonna do? I mean... how do we get Xander back? Giles comes into the library. Buffy: Right now I'm a little more worried about what the rest of the pack are up to. Giles: The rest of the pack were spotted outside Herbert the mascot's cage. They were sent to the principal's office. Willow: Good! That'll show 'em. (Giles is silent) Did it show 'em? Giles exhales but remains silent, searching for what to say. Buffy: They didn't hurt him, did they? Giles: They, uh... ate him. Willow has to sit down. She and Buffy can't believe what they just heard. Buffy: They ate Principal Flutie? Willow: Ate him up? Giles: The, uh, official theory is that wild dogs got into his office somehow. There was no one at the scene. Willow: But Xander didn't. (to Buffy) He, he was with you. Giles: (sees Xander in the cage) Oh! Uh, well, that's a small mercy. Buffy: Giles, how do we stop this? How do you trans-possess someone? Giles: I-I'm afraid I still don't have all the pieces. Um, the accounts of the Primals and their methods are a bit thin on the ground. There is some talk of a-a-a predatory act, but the exact ritual is, is, um... (picks up a book) The Malleus Maleficarum deals in particulars of demonic possession, which... may apply... (looks through a few pages) Yes, one, one should be able to transfer the spirits to another human. Buffy: Oh, that's great. Any volunteers? Giles: Oh. Good point. Buffy: What we need to do is put the hyena back in the hyena. Giles: B-but until we know more, uh... Buffy: Betcha that zookeeper could tell us. Maybe he didn't quarantine those hyenas because they were sick. Giles: We should talk to him. Buffy: Okay. (starts to go but stops) Oh, wait, somebody's gotta watch Xander. Willow: (gets up) I will. Buffy: Will, are you sure? If he wakes up... Willow: (holds her hand out for the keys) I'll be alright. Go. After a moment's hesitation Buffy gives Willow the keys to the cage and grabs her coat. Buffy: (to Giles) C'mon. Willow watches them leave, then looks over at Xander in the cage. She slips the keys into her pocket. Cut outside at night. A young woman with her baby in a backpack walks through some bushes and sees the pack lying on the ground, sleeping after their meal. The pack wakes and sees the woman. She becomes panicy and slowly backs up, almost stepping on Tor. She turns suddenly when she hears him growl. He drools heavily. The members of the pack slowly crawl toward her. The woman finally turns and runs, and the pack lies back down to rest some more. Cut to the library. Xander wakes up. Xander: Willow. She is watching the hyena video again. She stops it and turns to look at him. Willow: How are you feeling? Xander: Like somebody h*t me with a desk. (looks around) What am I doin' here? Willow: (gets up and goes toward the cage) You're... resting? Xander: You guys got me locked up now. (stands up) Willow: 'Cause you're sick. Buffy said... Xander: Oh, yeah. Buffy and her all-purpose solution: punch 'em out 'n' knock 'em down. I'd love to see what she'd do to somebody who was *really* sick. Willow: That's not fair. Buffy saved both of our lives. Xander: Before she came here our lives didn't need that much saving, did they? Weren't things a lot simpler when it was just you and me? Willow: (moves closer) Maybe... Xander: When we were alone together... Willow, I know there's something wrong with me. I think it's gettin' worse. But I can't just stand around waitin' for Buffy to decide it's time to punch me out again. (exhales) Look, I want you to help me. I want you. Willow: I am helping you. Xander: (exhales) You're doing what you're told. Willow: Buffy's trying to help you, too. You know that. Or Xander does. Xander: Yeah... Buffy's so selfless. Always thinking of us. Well, if I'm so dangerous, how come she left you alone with me? Willow: I told her to. Xander: Why? Willow: 'Cause I know you better than she does... and I wanted to be here to see if... you were still you. Xander: You know I am. Look at me. (long pause) Looook. Willow: (moves even closer) (whispers) Xander... He makes a grab for her through the slot in the cage, but she backs off in time. Willow: Now I know. Xander: (bangs on the cage) LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT! Cut to the zookeeper's office. Zookeeper: The students have been possessed by the hyenas? Giles: Yes. Zookeeper: Are you sure? Buffy: We're really, really sure. Giles: Y-you don't seem enormously surprised by this. Zookeeper: The zoo imported those hyenas from Africa. There was something strange about them from day one. I did some homework... That particular breed is very rare. Totally vicious. Historically they were worshipped by these guys... Giles: Primals. Zookeeper: Yeah! Creepy guys! Now, they had rituals for taking the hyena spirits, but I-I don't see how that coulda happened to your kids. Giles: Uh, we don't know exactly how the ritual works. We know that it involves a, um, um... predatory act and some kind of symbol. Zookeeper: Predatory act? Of course. That makes sense. Where did you read that? Giles: Do you have Sherman Jeffries' work on, on cults and on... Buffy: Boys? Giles: Sorry. Zookeeper: Look. Giles: (raises his hand slightly) Sorry. Zookeeper: Look. I think we may have enough information so that together we could pull off a reverse trans-possession. Buffy: What do we do? Zookeeper: We've gotta get those possessed students over to the hyena cage right away! I'll meet you there. We can begin the rituals. Buffy: W-well, we can guarantee one of them, but there are four more, and we have no idea where they are. Zookeeper: No, I wouldn't worry about that. After hyenas feed and rest they will track the missing member of their pack until they find him. They should come right to you. Buffy: (worried) Willow! Cut to the library. Willow is watching the hyena video again. Xander paces in the cage. Xander: Willow... Willow: I'm not listening. Cut to the small arched windows high up on the wall. Kyle appears at one, Heidi at the other. Kyle: Wiiillooow... ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Kyle is looking in through the window. Kyle: Wiiillooow... Willow: (turns to the cage) Xander, shut up! Kyle: Wiiillooow... She looks up at the window where the sound is coming from, sees Kyle and startles. Kyle and Heidi kick in the windows. Willow gets up and runs from the library. The pack comes in as Xander kicks and pounds at the cage. Kyle manages to bend over the corner of the door. The others start banging at the cage, too. Cut to the hall. Willow stops at the intersection. Cut to the library. The pack pulls down the door, freeing Xander. They whine and sniff each other. Cut to the hall. Willow runs to a door and tries it, but finds it locked. Cut to the library. Xander looks toward the library doors and begins tracking Willow. The others follow. Cut to the hall. Willow runs to another door on the other side of the hall and finds it open. She goes in and closes the door behind her. The pack reaches the hall intersection and sniffs around for Willow's scent. Cut inside the classroom. Willow hides under the teacher's desk. Cut to the hall. The pack splits up and begins searching for Willow. Xander and Heidi come down the hall. He keeps sniffing. He looks at the door that Willow went through and goes into the classroom with Heidi. Willow stays quiet under the desk. Xander looks around and sees nothing. He motions with his head for them to leave. When Willow hears the door close she comes out from under the desk. She looks toward the door, sees Xander and screams as she jumps back against the window blinds. Xander growls and leaps over the desk at her. She runs around the desk to get away and tips over a student desk to block Xander's way. He comes after her and trips over the desk. Willow runs out of the door, but is met by Heidi. Buffy comes up behind Heidi and hits her on the back with a f*re extinguisher, knocking her down and out. Willow comes out of the room and goes over to Giles. Xander has gotten up and rushes Buffy. She kicks him and he falls in the hall outside the classroom also. Buffy discards the extinguisher. The other three pack members appear at the end of the hall. Giles: Run! They come running. Giles and Willow run back into the classroom, and Buffy follows, closing and locking the door behind her. The pack pounds on the door but can't get in and soon leaves. Buffy: I think they're going. Willow: They could be faking it. Buffy: No, they're hungry. They'll be looking for somebody weak. I'm really sorry, Will. I didn't know they were gonna come after Xander. Willow: It's okay. Giles: We must lead them back to the zoo if we're going to stop this. Buffy: And before their next meal. Guess that's my job. Giles: Well, individually they're almost as strong as you. As a group they're... Buffy: They're tough, but I think they're getting stupider. You guys go to the zoo and I will bring them to you. (leaves) Cut to a house where a family is coming out. Mr. Anderson: I didn't say she looks better than you, I said she looks better. Mrs. Anderson: I heard what I heard. (to her son) Joey, chew! You have to chew or you'll choke! They get into their Jeep. Mr. Anderson: I don't see why we have to have this conversation every time we see them. Mrs. Anderson: I didn't start it. (puts on her seatbelt) Mr. Anderson: (looks at the ignition) Damn. Where are the keys? Mrs. Anderson: Huh? They hear Joey's name being called from outside and begin to look around. Kyle looks down from the Jeep's roof into Joey's window. The mother screams. Two others climb onto the hood and slap the windshield. Xander is at the window opposite Kyle. They all pound on the car. Mr. Anderson: What going on?! Hey! Get off! Get off of there! Xander breaks the window with his elbow. Joey: Get away! Xander growls and reaches in for Joey. His mother reaches back to try to protect him. Mrs. Anderson: Joey! Joey! Joey! Buffy comes running up, grabs Rhonda and throws her off of the hood to the ground. She climbs to the roof and does an in-to-out axe kick, knocking Kyle off. She looks down at Xander's feet sticking out of the window. Mrs. Anderson: Joey! Buffy: Didn't your mom teach you? (Xander hears her) Don't play with your food. Xander crawls out and looks up at her. The pack gathers around him and looks up at her. She straightens up and puts her hands on her hips. Buffy: C'mon. You know what you want. She turns, jumps off of the car and starts running down the street. The pack gives chase. Cut to the Hyena House. Giles and Willow arrive at a run. Willow: The pathway to the Hyena House. Where's the zookeeper? Giles: Uh, he must be inside. I-I'll go in and prepare things. You just warn, uh, us when you hear Buffy and the others approaching. He runs in. Willow turns around to watch and wait. Cut to Buffy running through a stand of trees. The pack is close behind. Cut to inside the Hyena House. Giles ducks under the tape and comes into the main area. Giles: Doctor? Uh... zookeeper? He hears a door close and is startled by the zookeeper. He is all made up. Giles: Oh! Oh, of course, the, uh, Masai ceremonial garb. Yes... Very good. Are you, uh, otherwise prepared for the trans-possession? Zookeeper: (nods) Almost. Giles: (notices the markings on the floor) Oh, right! The, uh, sacred circle. Yes, you'd need that to, um... This would be here when... when the children first came. Why would you... (figures it out, exhales) How terribly frustrating for you, that a bunch of school children could accomplish what you could not. Zookeeper: It bothered me. But the power will be mine. Giles tries to get away, but the zookeeper hits him in the gut with his stick and again on the back, knocking him out. He tosses the stick aside and drags Giles away. Cut to Buffy, still running through the trees. Cut to outside the Hyena House. Willow hears them coming and runs in. Cut inside. Willow: They're almost here! Giles! Giles! (sees the zookeeper) Where are the hyenas for the trans-possession? Zookeeper: They're right here in the feeding area. Willow runs to see the hyenas, but he stops her. Zookeeper: Stay back! They haven't been fed. Willow: Where's Giles? Zookeeper: He's... laying in wait. Willow: They're almost here. Shouldn't you bring the hyenas out? Zookeeper: When the time is right. I'm gonna need your help. (begins binding her wrists) Cut outside. Buffy comes running in. Buffy: They're right behind me! Cut inside. Willow: That's Buffy! Get ready! The zookeeper takes Willow and positions her in front of him. Zookeeper: Here. Willow: What is this? Zookeeper: A predatory act, remember? (holds a Kn*fe to her throat) Willow: Uh, right. You'll pretend to slash my throat and, and put the evil in the hyenas? Zookeeper: Something like that. Willow realizes the zookeeper has other intentions. Buffy comes running in, but stops short when she sees Willow being held by the zookeeper. Willow: Buffy, it's a trap! Xander grabs Buffy from behind and they fall to the floor. The others come in and get on top of her, too. Zookeeper: YU BA YA SA NA! The pack looks up at him and their eyes all flash green. Then the zookeeper's eye flash green. He turns to Willow and growls. He drops the Kn*fe, grabs her head and moves in to bite her. Xander: Willow! He gets up and charges the zookeeper, knocking him down and away from Willow. The pack gets off of Buffy. The zookeeper gets up and punches Xander. Buffy gets up and punches the zookeeper. Kyle and his g*ng see the fight and begin to crawl away on their butts. The zookeeper charges Buffy but she knocks him back down. He charges her again and she tosses him over onto his back. He gets up and tries again. Buffy gets under him and throws him up and into the hyena pit. He tries to climb out but is dragged back down by the hyenas. Kyle and company get up and scramble away. Buffy runs to the pit to see if she can save the zookeeper, but she's too late. She looks away as Xander comes over to untie Willow. Giles comes out of the back room. Giles: Uh, did I miss anything? Cut to the school the next day. The sh*t from the balcony shows Buffy, Willow and Xander walking across the quad. Willow: I heard the vice-principal's taking over 'til they can find a replacement. Buffy: It shouldn't be too hard to find a new principal. Unless they ask what happened to the last one. Xander: Okay, but I had nothing to do with that, right? They start to climb the stairs. Buffy: Oh, right. Willow: You only ate the pig. Xander: I ate a pig? Was it cooked and called bacon or... The girls shake their heads. Xander: (covering his face) Oh, my God! I ate a pig? I mean, the whole trichinosis issue aside, yuk! Buffy: Well, it wasn't really you. Xander: Well, I remember I was goin' on the field trip, and then goin' down to the Hyena House, and next thing some guy's holding Willow and he's got a Kn*fe. Willow: You saved my life. Xander: Hey! Nobody messes with my Willow. (gives her a hug) Buffy looks on and smiles. Willow smiles, too. Buffy: This is definitely the superior Xander. Accept no substitutes. Xander: I didn't do anything else, did I, around you guys or anything embarrassing? The girls smile, and Buffy considers what to tell him. Buffy: (shakes her head) Nah! Willow: Not at all. Buffy: (to Willow) C'mon. We're gonna be late. (takes her hand and they go) Willow: (to Xander) See you at lunch. Xander: Cool! Oh, hey, goin' vegetarian! Huh? He gives them two thumbs-up. Willow turns and smiles at him. So does Buffy. Xander starts to head the other way when he is met by Giles. Giles: I've been reading up on my, uh, animal possession, and I cannot find anything anywhere about memory loss afterwards. Xander: Did you tell them that? Giles: (leans to Xander's ear) Your secret dies with me. Xander: sh**t me, stuff me, mount me. Giles pats him on the shoulder as he shakes his head and starts walking along the balcony. He leans on the railing and watches Xander go. Xander can't believe what has happened to him. The End

{"type": "series", "show": "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "episode": "01x06 - The Pack"}

foreverdreaming

~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~ In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. The Master's lair. Collin is tossing stones into the pool. He takes a few more from the Master's hand. Darla comes into the lair. Master: Zachary didn't return from the hunt last night. Darla: The Slayer. Master: Zachary was strong, and he was careful. And still the Slayer takes him... as she has taken so many of my family. (takes a breath) It wears thin. Collin, what would you do about it? Collin: I'd annihilate her. Master: (Inhales) Out of the mouths of babes... Darla: (makes her way down) Let me do it, Master. Let me k*ll her for you. Master: You have a personal interest in this. Darla: I don't get to have any fun. Master: I will send the Three. Darla: The Three? Cut to an alley. Three tough guys are lighting up cigarettes. The Three come around a corner at a steady, deliberate pace. The men see them coming and leave. Cut to the Bronze. A cockroach is being chased along the floor. Boy: Get it! Go get it, right there! Girl: I got it! She holds the roach up to the bartender and drops it into his jar. Girl: Free drink, please. The bartender nods his head and goes to get the drink. Willow: Ah, the fumigation party. Cut to Buffy and Willow sitting at a table. Buffy: Hmm? Willow: It's an annual tradition. The closing of the Bronze for a few days to nuke the cockroaches? Buffy: (not paying attention) Oh. Willow: It's a lot of fun... What's it like where *you* are? Buffy: (looks up and smiles) I'm... sorry, I was just... thinking about things... Willow: So, we're talking about a guy? Buffy: Not exactly a guy. For us to have a conversation about a guy, there'd have to be a guy for us to have a conversation about. Is that a sentence? Willow: (smiles) You lack a guy. Buffy: I do. Which is fine with me, most of the time, but... Willow: What about Angel? Buffy: Angel? I can just see him in a relationship. 'Hi, honey, you're in grave danger. I'll see you next month.' Willow: He's not around much, it's true. Buffy: (looks dreamy) When he is around... it's like the lights dim everywhere else. You know how it's like that with some guys? Willow: Oh, yeah! (looks over at Xander) Xander is on the dance floor, making a fool of himself. He dances up to a girl. Xander: Hey, Annie! (sees her boyfriend) Dino, just leaving! He backs away and bumps into Cordelia. Cordelia: Ouch! Please get your extreme oafishness off my two-hundred- dollar shoes! Xander: I'm sorry, I was just... Cordelia: ...getting off the dance floor before Annie Vega's boyfriend squashes you like a bug? Xander: Oh, so you noticed. Cordelia: Uh-huh. Xander: Yeah, thanks for being so understanding. Cordelia: Sure. Xander: Y'know, hey, I don't know what everyone's talking about. That outfit doesn't make you look like a hooker! (laughs) He leaves the dance floor and goes over to Buffy and Willow. Xander: Boy, that Cordelia is a regular breath of vile air. What are you vixens up to? Willow: Just sitting here, watching our barren lives pass us by. (sees a roach) Oh, look, a cockroach. (stomps it) Buffy lifts her eyes to see and then turns them back down. Xander: Whoa, well, let's stop this crazy whirligig of fun! I'm dizzy! Buffy: Alright, now I'm infecting those nearest and dear to me. I'm gonna call it a night. (gets up) Willow: Oh, don't go! Xander: Uh, yeah! It's early! We could, um, dance! Buffy: Rain check? Good night. (leaves) Xander lets out a breath. Willow holds her shoe up to him. Willow: Want a free drink? Buffy makes her way out of the Bronze looking bummed. She passes the stairs. Angel is watching her go. Buffy senses something and turns to look. Angel is gone. She continues out. Cut to the street. Buffy is walking home. She senses something and stops to look behind her. Nothing. She continues and walks past an alley. She hears a breath and stops. Buffy: It's late, I'm tired, and I don't wanna play games. Show yourself. One of the Three roars and drops down to the sidewalk behind her. She reaches into her coat, pulls out a stake and quickly spins around to stake the vampire. Another of the Three grabs her arm as she swings. Buffy: Wuh! The third member comes up on her other side and grabs her other arm. Buffy: Ooo! Okay, okay, nice... They pull her into the alley and up against a fence. The first one approaches her. Buffy: Okay, okay... Look, I really don't want to have to fight all three of you... unless I have to. She snap kicks him in the crotch, elbows the third, and tries to punch the second. He blocks her swing and thrusts his knee in to her gut, slamming her into the fence. The other two recover and grab her again. The second one slowly approaches her with death in his eyes. Buffy is terrified and struggles to get away. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ In the alley. The vampire comes up to Buffy, grabs her head and moves in to bite. Angel comes up behind him, grabs him by the hair and pulls him off of her. Angel: Good dogs don't... (punches the vampire) ...*bite*! Buffy is surprised, but quickly regains her head. Using the support of the two vampires holding onto her arms, she kicks up with both feet and hits them both in the face with a straddle kick. One of them grabs her again and holds her against the fence. Angel continues to fight the other two, punching one and snap kicking the second. One of them pulls a piece of iron bar off of a window. Buffy: Look out! Angel turns around, only to be sliced in the chest with the bar. Buffy shoves an open palm into her assailant's chin, pushing him off of her, punches him once in the gut and then slams both fists into his head. Angel is bent over in pain and is about to be s*ab again. Buffy quickly side kicks his attacker in the face, and he falls back away from Angel. She helps Angel up. Buffy: Run! They come running out of the alley. The Three get up and give chase. Buffy and Angel jump over the bushes in front of her house and run onto the porch. The Three are hot on their trail. Buffy gets the front door open. Buffy: Get in! C'mon! She rushes inside. Angel is right behind her. Buffy slams the door on one of the vampire's hands. He struggles a moment, but pulls his hand back out. She slams the door shut and locks it. The vampire looks in through the glass. Another one looks in through the window. Angel: It's alright. A vampire can't come in unless it's invited. Buffy: I've heard that before, but I've never put it to the test. (leans on the door, sees his wound) Oh... I'll go get some bandages, just... take your jacket and your shirt off. She heads into the kitchen. Angel looks out the window one last time and follows her. He takes off his jacket and his T-shirt. Buffy looks at him from behind and sees his tattoo. She brings over the first aid kit. Buffy: Nice tattoo. (exhales) I was lucky you came along. (looks up at him) How did you happen to come along? (begins to bandage him) Angel: I live nearby. I was just out walking. Buffy: So, you weren't following me? I just had this feeling you were. Angel: (smiles) Why would I do that? Buffy: You tell me. You're the mystery guy that appears out of nowhere. I'm not saying I'm not happy about it tonight, but... if you are hanging around I'd like to know why. (finishes bandaging) Angel: Maybe I like you. Buffy: Maybe... They smile at each other. Buffy hears the door open and quickly goes to intercept her mom. She's also worried about the Three outside. She pulls her mom into the house and closes the door. Joyce: Hi! What are you doing? Buffy: There's a lot of weird people outside at night... Joyce starts toward the kitchen. Buffy comes after her. Buffy: ...I just feel better with you safe and sound inside. You must be b*at. Joyce: I am. We're a little gallery. You have no idea how much... Buffy: Well, then why don't you go upstairs and get into bed, and I can bring you some hot tea? Joyce: That's sweet! (suspicious) What'd you do? Buffy: Can't a daughter just be concerned about her mother? Angel comes into the living room behind Buffy. Joyce sees him. Joyce: Hi. Angel: Hi. Buffy: Oh! Okay... Um... Angel, uh, this is my mom. Mom, this is Angel. Uh, we ran into each other on the way home. Angel: Nice to meet you. Joyce: What do you do, Angel? Buffy: He's a student. (her mother gives her a disbelieving look) Uh, first year community college. Angel's been helping me with my history, you know I've been toiling there. Joyce: It's a little late for tutoring. I'm gonna go to bed, and, uh, Buffy? (starts up the stairs) Buffy: I'll say good night and do the same! Joyce looks back down at her daughter and nods. Joyce: (to Angel) It was nice to meet you. Cut to Buffy at the front door holding it open. Buffy: Good night! We'll hook up soon and do that study thing! She closes the door. Angel is still there behind it. They go up the stairs and into her room. She closes the door quietly. Angel: Look, I don't wanna get you in any more trouble... Buffy: And I don't wanna get you d*ad. They could still be out there. (moves to the center of the room) So, uh, oh... two of us, one bed. That doesn't work. (faces him) Um, why don't you take the bed? Y'know, you're wounded... Angel: I'll take the floor. Buffy: Uh, no, that's not... Angel: Oh, believe me, I've had worse. Buffy: Okay. Um, then why don't you check and see if the Fang g*ng is still loitering and, um, keep your back turned while I change? Angel goes over to the window to have a look. Buffy goes to her closet and changes. Angel: I don't see them. Buffy: Y'know, I'm the Chosen One, it's my job to fight guys like that. What's your excuse? Angel: Uh, somebody has to. Buffy: Well, what does your family think of your career choice? Angel: They're d*ad. She has finished changing and comes over to him. Buffy: Was it vampires? Angel: (faces her) I-it was. Buffy: I'm sorry. Angel: It was a long while ago. Buffy: So, this is a vengeance gig for you. Angel: (pauses) Y-you even look pretty when you go to sleep. Buffy: Well, when I wake up it's an entirely different story. They go over to her bed. She hands him the comforter from it. Buffy: Here. Sleep tight. He lays the comforter down on the floor next to her bed. She gets into her bed and he lies on the comforter. Buffy: Angel? Angel: Hmm? Buffy: Do you snore? Angel: I don't know. It's been a long time since anybody's been in a position to let me know. He turns his head to look at her. She smiles and settles in to sleep. Cut to the library the next day. Xander: He spent the night? In your room? In your bed? Buffy: Not *in* my bed, *by* my bed. Willow: That is so romantic! Did you, uh... I mean, did he, uh... Buffy: (smiling) Perfect gentleman. The girls exchange smiles. Xander: Buffy, c'mon, wake up and smell the seduction. It's the oldest trick in the book. Buffy: What? Saving my life? Getting slashed in the ribs? Xander: Duh! I mean, guys'll do anything to impress a girl. I-I once drank an entire gallon of Gatorade without taking a breath. (smiles) Willow: It was pretty impressive. Although later there was an ick factor. Giles: (coming to the table) Can we steer this riveting conversation back to the events that happened earlier in the evening? (Buffy sits down) You left the Bronze and were set upon by three unusually virile vampires. (puts a book in front of her) Did they look like this? Buffy: Yeah. What's with the uniforms? Giles: It seems you encountered the Three. Warrior vampires, very proud and very strong. Willow: (to Giles) How is it you always know this stuff? You always know what's going on. I never know what's going on. Giles: Well, you weren't here from midnight until six researching it. Willow: No, I was sleeping. Giles: Uh, o-obviously you're hurting the Master very much. He, he wouldn't send the, the Three for just anyone. We must step up our training with w*apon. Xander: Buffy, you should stay at my house until these Samurai guys are history. Buffy: (turns to him) What? Xander: Ah-ah-ah, don't worry about Angel, Willow can run to your house and tell him to get out of town fast. Giles: Angel and Buffy are, are not in any immediate jeopardy. Eventually the Master will send someone else, but in the mean time the Three, having failed, will offer their own lives in penance. Cut to the Master's lair. Vampire: We failed in our duty, and now our lives belong to you. He hands the Master a spear. The Master passes it to Darla. She starts to walk around behind the Three as the Master goes over to Collin. Master: Pay attention, child. You are the Anointed, and there is much you must learn. (crouches beside him) With power comes responsibility. True, they did fail, but also true, we who walk at night share a common bond. The taking of a life -- I'm not talking about humans, of course -- is a serious matter. One of the Three raises his head in hope. Collin: So you would spare them? Master: Hmm. (gets up) I am weary, and their deaths will bring me little joy. The Master begins to walk away, and Collin follows. Darla watches them go and smiles. She lifts the spear and dispatches the first of the Three. The Master stops and turns to Collin. Master: Of course, sometimes a little is enough. He looks over at Darla as she kills the next one and continues away. Cut to the school. Cut to the library door. Giles sets out a sign that reads 'Library CLOSED for filing. Please come back tomorrow.' Cut inside. Buffy is checking out the w*apon case. Buffy: Cool! Crossbow! (lifts it out, sees the bolts) Huh. Check out these babies. (takes out a bolt) Hmm. Goodbye stakes, hello flying fatality. What can I sh**t? Giles: Um, nothing. The crossbow comes later. He takes the crossbow from her and goes to put it back. Buffy is disappointed. Giles: You must first become proficient with the basic tools of combat. (Buffy looks bored) And let's begin... (comes back with two poles) ...with the quarterstaff. Which, incidentally, will, uh, require countless hours of vigorous training. (hands her one) I speak from experience. Buffy: Giles, 20th Century? I'm not gonna be fighting Friar Tuck. Giles: You never know with whom or what you'll be fighting. (puts on his head pads) And these traditions have been handed down through the ages. (grabs his staff) Now, you show me good, steady progress with the quarterstaff, and in due course we'll discuss the crossbow. Put on your pads. Buffy: (laughs) I'm not gonna need pads to fight you. Giles: Well, we'll see about that. En garde! He makes several thrusts and she parries them all. She takes the offensive, pushes his staff to the floor and punches him in the face. She comes around with the staff into his back, and again to knock his legs out from under him. He falls onto his back. She stands over him. Giles: (stunned) Good. Let's move on to the crossbow. Cut to the Summers house at night. Cut to Buffy coming into her room. She closes the door and looks around. Buffy: Angel? Angel: Hey. She turns on her desk lamp. Buffy: Brought you some dinner. It's a little plateless, sorry. She hands him a plastic bag full of food that she pilfered from dinner. He accepts it and looks at it. Buffy: So! What'd you do all day? Angel: Uh, I read a little. Buffy looks over to her diary. It's out of place. Angel: And just thought about a lot of things. Buffy, I... Buffy: My diary? You read my diary? (goes to put it in a drawer) That is *not* okay! A diary is like a person's most private place! (comes back to him) I... You don't even know what I was writing about! 'Hunk' can mean a lot of things, bad things. And, and when it says that your eyes are 'penetrating', I meant to write 'bulging'. Angel: Buffy... Buffy: And 'A' doesn't even stand for 'Angel' for that matter, it stands for... 'Achmed', a charming foreign exchange student, so that whole fantasy part has nothing to even do with you at all... Angel: Your mother moved your diary when she came in to straighten up. I watched from the closet. I didn't read it, I swear. She just looks at him. Buffy: Oh! (looks down, realizing what she just said) Oh. Angel: I did a lot of thinking today. I really can't be around you. (Buffy looks up) Because when I am... Buffy: (looks down) Hey, no big. Water... over the bridge, under the bridge... Angel: When I am all I can ever think about is how badly I want to kiss you. Buffy: ...over the dam... (looks up at him) Kiss me? Angel: I'm older than you, and this can't ever... I better go. Buffy: H-how much older? Angel: I should... Buffy: (approaches him) ...go... You said... They kiss. They kiss again. They kiss passionately. She puts her arm around him. The kiss goes on for several moments. Angel suddenly pulls back and looks away. Buffy: What? What is it? What's wrong? He turns to face her and growls. She sees he has his game face on and screams. He takes a last look at her and jumps out of the window. He slides down the roof and off onto the ground. Buffy goes to the window and watches him run away. Her mother comes running into the room. Joyce: Buffy, what happened? She backs away from the window. Her mom takes her by the shoulders. She looks at her mom and shakes her head. Buffy: Uh, nothing. I saw a shadow. They both look out the window. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ The next morning at Sunnydale High. The team is walking up the steps from the street toward the building. Willow: Angel's a vampire? Buffy: I can't believe this is happening. One minute we were kissing, and the next minute... (to Giles) Can a vampire ever be a good person? Couldn't it happen? Giles: A vampire isn't a person at all. (clears his throat) It may have the movements, the, the memories, even the personality of the person that it took over, but i-it's still a demon at the core, there is no halfway. Willow: So that'd be a no, huh? Buffy: Well, then what was he doing? Why was he good to me? Was it all some part of the Master's plan? It doesn't make sense! They've reached a bench where Willow and Buffy sit. Xander: Alright, uh... (sits also) ...you have a problem, and it's not a small one. Let's take a breath and look at this calmly and objectively. Angel's a vampire. You're a Slayer. I think it's obvious what you have to do. (smiles) Buffy doesn't react, so Xander looks up at Giles. Giles: (crouches down) Uh, it is a Slayer's duty... Xander: I-I know you have feelings for this guy, but it's not like you're in love with him, right? Buffy looks away. Xander: You're in love with a vampire?! What, are you outta your mind?! Cordelia: What?! He looks at Cordelia. She's looking somewhere else, but turns to him. Xander: (to Cordelia) Not vampire... (to Buffy) How could you love an umpire? Everyone hates 'em! Cordelia looks back at another girl wearing the same dress she is. Cordelia: Where did you get that dress? (pursues her) This is a one-of- a-kind Todd Oldham. Do you know how much this dress cost? Is this a knockoff? (checks the label) This is a knockoff, isn't it?! Some cheesy knockoff! This is exactly what happens when you sign these free trade agreements! The two girls disappear into the building. Buffy: You think we have problems... Cut to the hall outside Angel's apartment. He comes through the door and goes to his apartment door. He unlocks it and goes in. Cut inside. There are a bunch of old books stacked along the wall. He closes the door and goes over to turn on a lamp. When he straightens back up he senses a presence. Angel: Who's here? Darla: A friend. He quickly faces the voice. Darla comes out of the shadows wearing a Catholic schoolgirl uniform. Darla: Hi. It's been a while. Angel: A lifetime. Darla: Or two, but who's counting? Angel: What's with the Catholic schoolgirl look? Last time I saw you it was kimonos. Darla: And last time I saw you it wasn't high school girls. (flares the skirt) Don't cha like? (approaches Angel) Remember Budapest? Turn of the century? You were such a bad boy during that earthquake. Angel: You did some damage yourself. Darla: Is there anything better than a natural disaster? (walks away) The panic. The people lost in the streets. It's like picking fruit off the vine. (reaches the bed) Nice! You're living above ground, like one of them. You and your new friend are attacking us, like one of them. (walks to the window) But guess what, precious? You're not one of them. She draws the window blinds open, letting in a stream of sunlight. Angel is blinded, and he stumbles backward to get out of the light. Darla: Are you? Angel: No. But I'm not exactly one of you either. Darla: (walks to the fridge) Is that what you tell yourself these days? She opens the refrigerator and sees the bags and bottles of human blood. Darla: You're not exactly living off quiche. (closes the fridge) You and I both know what you hunger for. (goes over to him) What you need. Hey, it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's who we are. It's what makes eternal life worth living. (smiles and touches him) Mm. You can only suppress your real nature for so long. You can feel it brewing inside of you. I hope I'm around when it explodes. Angel: Maybe you don't wanna be. Darla: I'm not afraid of you. I bet she is, though. (starts to leave) Or maybe I'm underestimating her. Talk to her. Tell her about the curse. Maybe she'll come around. And if she still doesn't trust you, you know where I'll be. She exits the apartment, leaving an angry Angel behind. Cut to the library. Buffy is looking through a book. So are Willow and Xander. Giles comes up behind Xander and startles him. Giles: Here's something at last. Xander: Can you please warn us before you do that? Giles: There's nothing about Angel in the texts, but it suddenly occurred to me that it's been ages since I've read the diaries of any of the watchers before me. Willow: (to Buffy) That musta been so embarrassing when you thought he had read your diary, but then it turned out he hadn't, but then he felt the same way... (Xander gives her a look) I'm listening. Giles: There's mention some two hundred years ago in Ireland of, of Angelus, the one with the angelic face. Buffy: They got that right. Xander: (clears his throat) I'm not saying anything, I have nothing to say. Giles: Does this, uh, Angel have, um, a tattoo behind his right shoulder? Buffy: Yeah, it's a, it's a bird or something. Xander: Now I'm sayin' something. You saw him naked? Willow: So, Angel's been around for a while. Giles: Not long for a vampire. Uh, two hundred and forty years or so. Buffy: Huh! Two hundred and forty. Well, he said he was older. Giles: (sits) Angelus leaves Ireland, uh, wreaks havoc in, in Europe for, uh, several decades, and then, um, about eighty years ago, the most curious thing happens. He, he comes to, uh, to America, um, shuns other vampires, and, and lives alone. There's, there's no, no record of him hunting here. Willow: So he *is* a good vampire! I mean, on a scale of one to ten, ten being someone who's k*lling and maiming every night, and one being someone who's... not. Giles: I say that there's no record, but, uh, vampires hunt and k*ll. It's, it's what they do. Xander: Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly. Buffy: He could've fed on me, he didn't. Xander: Question: a hundred years or so before he came to our shores, what was he like then? Giles: Uh, like all of them. Uh, a vicious, violent animal. Cut to the Master's lair. Darla: Don't think I'm not grateful, you letting me k*ll the Three. Master: How can my children learn if I do everything for them? Darla: But you've gotta let me take care of the Slayer. Master: Oh! You're giving me orders now! Darla: (walks away) Okay, then, we'll just do nothing while she takes us out one by one. Master: Do I sense a plan, Darla? (she turns around) Share... Darla: (walks back) Angel kills her and comes back to the fold. Master: Angel! He was the most vicious creature I ever met. I miss him. Darla: So do I. Master: (considers) Why would he k*ll her if he feels for her? Darla: To keep her from k*lling him. Master: Hmm. (to Collin) You see how we all work together for the common good? That's how a family is supposed to function! Cut to the school at night. Willow: Okay, so let's review. Cut to the library. Buffy and Willow are studying. Willow: Reconstruction began when? (looks up) Buffy? Buffy: Huh? (comes back to earth) Oh! Um, reconstruction... Uh, reconstruction began after the... construction, which was... shoddy, so they had to reconstruct. Willow: After the destruction of the Civil w*r. Buffy: Right. Civil w*r. During which Angel was already, like, a hundred and change... Willow: Are we gonna talk about boys, or are we gonna help you pass history? Buffy looks up at Willow. She closes the book. Willow: Sometimes I have this fantasy that Xander's just gonna grab me and kiss me right on the lips. (huge smile) Buffy: You want Xander, you've gotta speak up, girl! Willow: No, no, no, no. No speaking up. That way leads to madness and sweaty palms. Darla peeks out from behind the stacks. Willow: Okay, so here's something I gotta know. When Angel kissed you... I mean before he turned into... how was it? Buffy: (smiles) Unbelievable! Darla continues to watch and listen. Willow: Wow! And it is kinda novel how he'll stay young and handsome forever, although you'll still get wrinkly and die, and... Oh, and what about the children? (Buffy looks at her) I'll be quiet now. Buffy: No, it's okay. I need to hear this. I need to get over him so I can... Willow: So that you can... (makes a s*ab gesture) Buffy: Like Xander said, I'm the Slayer, and he's a... vampire. God, I can't! He's never done anything to hurt me... Okay, no, I need to stop thinking about this. Okay, let's give another half an hour and maybe something will sink in. And then I'm going home for some major moping. Darla smiles and backs away. Willow: Okay. The era of the congressional reconstruction, usually called radical... Cut to the Summers house. Cut inside to the kitchen where Joyce is doing her taxes and having coffee. She hears creaking on the porch outside and gets up to investigate. She looks out the door window and sees nothing. She opens the door a bit and still there's nothing. She closes the door and heads to the front. Darla looks in, sporting her game face. Joyce walks slowly through the living room and hears a knocking on the door. She looks out, sees Darla in her human guise and opens the door. Joyce: Hello? Darla: Hi! I'm Darla? A friend of Buffy's? Joyce: Oh! (exhales) Nice to meet you. Darla: (exhales) She didn't mention anything about me coming over for a study date, did she? Joyce: No, I thought she was studying with Willow at the library. Darla: She is. Willow's the Civil w*r expert, but then I was supposed to help her with the w*r of Independence. My family kinda goes back to those days. Joyce: Well, I, I know she's supposed to be home soon. Would you like to come in and wait? Darla: (comes in) It's very nice of you to invite me into your home. (smiles) Joyce: You're welcome. I've been wrestling with the IRS all night. Would you like something to eat? (starts to the kitchen) Darla: (follows) Yes, I would! She looks at Joyce's neck. Cut to the kitchen. Joyce: Let's see what we have. Do you feel like something little or something big? Darla: (vamped out) Something big! Cut outside. Angel comes walking up to the house. He almost knocks, but then decides to leave. As he goes he hears Joyce scream. He runs around to the back door and kicks it in. He sees Darla biting Joyce. Angel: Let her go! Darla: I just had a little, there's plenty more. Aren't you hungry for something warm after all this time? Come on, Angel. Just say 'Yes'! She shoves Joyce into Angel's arms so he can see the bite and smell the blood. He struggles with himself and looks away from the bite. Darla watches with a big smile. Angel looks up at her again with his game face on. Darla: Welcome home! She walks around them and leaves the house. Angel continues to struggle with himself. Buffy comes in from the dining room, and Angel looks up. Buffy: Hey! I'm home. She turns toward him and freezes with fear. Angel bares his fangs and growls. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The Summers house. Cut to the living room window. Angel flies through it and tumbles over the porch, through the bushes and onto the lawn. Buffy comes over to the broken window and looks out at him as he gets up. Buffy: You're not welcome here. You come near us and I'll k*ll you. Angel just looks at her. She goes back inside. He turns to leave. Cut inside. Buffy grabs the phone, dials 911 and goes over to kneel by her mom. Buffy: Mom! Mom, can you hear me?! (the operator answers) Yes, I need an ambulance, 1630 Revello Drive! My mother cut herself, she lost a lot of blood! Please, please hurry! (drops the phone) Mom! Xander: Hey, Buffy! She looks up to see Xander and Willow come in through the kitchen door. Xander: Oh, my God! Willow: What happened?! Buffy: Angel! Cut to the hospital. Giles rushes down the corridor trying to find Joyce's room. Buffy: Do you remember anything, Mom? Cut inside the room. Joyce: Just, um, your friend came over... I was gonna make a snack... Buffy: My friend? Giles comes in the door. Joyce: I guess I slipped and cut my neck on... The doctor said it looked like a barbecue fork. (looks at Buffy) We don't have a barbecue fork. (looks at Giles) Are you another doctor? Buffy: (looks to see) Oh! Um... No, Mom, this is Mr. Giles. Joyce: Oh, the librarian from your school! (confused) What's he doing here? Giles: Uh, I-I just came to pay my respects, wish you a speedy recovery. Joyce: Boy, the teachers really *do* care in this town. Buffy: Get some rest now. She gives her mom a kiss and they all go outside the room. Cut to the hall. Buffy: She's gonna be okay. They, they gave her some iron... Her, uh, blood count was a, a little... Giles: ...a little low. It presents itself like mild anemia. Uh, you, you were, uh, lucky you got to her as soon as you did. Buffy: Lucky? Stupid. Xander: Buff, it's not your fault. Buffy: No? I invited him into my home. Even after I knew who he was, what he was, and I didn't do anything about it... 'cause I had feelings for him, because I cared about him. Willow: If you care about somebody you care about them. You can't change that by... Buffy: ...k*lling them? Maybe not. But I think it's a start. (starts to leave) Xander: Uh, we'll keep an eye on your mom. Giles: (chases after her) Buffy! (blocks her way) Buffy: You can't stop me. The Three found me near the Bronze and so did he. He lives nearby. Giles: This is no ordinary vampire. (whispers) If there is such a thing. Now, he knows you, he, he's faced the Three! I think this is gonna take more than a simple stake. Buffy: So do I. Cut to the armory in the library. Buffy loads the crossbow with bolts. Darla: She's out hunting you right now. Cut to Angel's apartment. Darla: She wants to k*ll you. Angel: Leave me alone. Darla: What did you think? Did you think she would understand? That she would look at your face... your true face... and give you a kiss? Cut to Buffy in the library. She takes a practice sh*t at an anti- smoking poster and nails the guy in the heart. Darla: For a hundred years you've not (Buffy lowers the bow) had a moment's peace because you will not (cut to the apartment) accept who you are. That's all you have to do. Accept it. Don't let her hunt you down. Don't whimper and mewl like a mangy human. k*ll! Feed! Live! She has pushed Angel to the limit. He jumps up and shoves her against the wall with her arms pinned up. Angel: Alright! Darla: What do you want? Angel: I want it finished! Darla: That's good. You're hurting me. (smiles) That's good, too. Cut to outside the Bronze. Buffy has the crossbow held ready. She comes through a hole in a fence and goes toward the entrance. She hears glass breaking above her and turns to the noise. She looks around as she goes to the wall where there's a ladder. She starts to climb. Joyce: She talks about you all the time. Cut to the hospital room. Joyce: It's important to have teachers who make an impression. Giles: She makes quite an impression herself. Joyce: I-I know she's having trouble with history. I-is it too difficult for her or is she not applying herself? Giles: She lives very much in the now, um, and, uh, history, of course, is, is very much about the, uh... the then. B-b-but there's no reason... Joyce: She's studying with Willow, she's studying with Darla, I-I mean, she is trying. Giles: Darla? I-I-I don't believe I know, uh... Joyce: Her friend, the one who came over tonight. Giles: Darla came to your house tonight? Sh-she's the friend that you mentioned earlier? Joyce: Poor thing, I must've frightened her half to death when I fainted. Someone should really check and make sure she's alright. Giles: (gets up) Yes, someone should, right away. I'll do it. (grabs his coat and leaves) Joyce: That school is amazing! Cut to the hall. He walks with Willow and Xander. Giles: We have a problem. Cut to the Bronze. Buffy comes down the stairs. When she gets to the bottom she quickly turns to have a look around. Angel backs into the shadows. Buffy hears a noise and pivots toward it. Buffy: I know you're there. And I know what you are. Angel: Do you? She faces his voice. Angel: I'm just an animal, right? Buffy: You're not an animal. Animals I like. She keeps looking around her. He growls and comes out of the shadows to face her. She trains the crossbow on him. Angel: Let's get it done! He growls and begins to run. He jumps onto a pool table. Buffy follows him with her aim and sh**t, but misses. Angel jumps up onto the catwalk above. Buffy can't see him in the shadows. He swings down and kicks her in the back, knocking her onto a pool table. She does a standing back kick at him behind her and sends him into the wall. She runs around the table and dives for the crossbow. She rolls onto her back and takes aim at him. He slowly gets up and growls. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The Bronze. Angel is in his game face and Buffy has her crossbow trained on him. Angel morphs back into his human form. Angel: C'mon! Don't go soft on me now! Buffy launches the bolt. It hits the wall next to him. Angel: Little wide. Buffy: Why? (gets up) Why didn't you just att*ck me when you had the chance? Was it a joke? To make me feel for you and then... I've k*lled a lot of vampires. I've never hated one before. Angel: Feels good, doesn't it? Feels simple. Buffy: I invited you into my home and then you att*cked my family! Angel: Why not? I k*lled mine. I k*lled their friends... and their friend's children... For a hundred years I offered ugly death to everyone I met, and I did it with a song in my heart. Buffy: What changed? Angel: Fed on a girl about your age... beautiful... dumb as a post... but a favorite among her clan. Buffy: Her clan? Angel: Romany. Gypsies. The elders conjured the perfect punishment for me. They restored my soul. Buffy: What, they were all out of boils and blinding torment? Angel: When you become a vampire the demon takes your body, but it doesn't get your soul. That's gone! No conscience, no remorse... It's an easy way to live. You have no idea what it's like to have done the things I've done... and to care. I haven't fed on a living human being since that day. Buffy: So you started with my mom? Angel: I didn't bite her. Buffy: Then why didn't you say something? Angel: But I wanted to. I can walk like a man, but I'm not one. I wanted to k*ll you tonight. Buffy looks at her bow and back at Angel. She puts the bow down on the floor and approaches him. She offers her neck. Buffy: Go ahead. He just looks at her in silence. Buffy: Not as easy as it looks. Darla: Sure it is! They turn toward the voice and see Darla coming out of the shadows. Cut outside. Giles, Willow and Xander are walking down a street. Willow: We're near the Bronze. What now? Giles: Keep looking for her. Xander: I have a question: what if we find her and she's fighting Angel and some of his friends? What the heck are we gonna do about it? Cut to the Bronze. Darla: Do you know what the saddest thing in the world is? Buffy: Bad hair on top of that outfit? Darla: To love someone who used to love you. Buffy: (looks at Angel) You guys were involved? Darla: For several generations. Buffy: Well, you been around since Columbus, you are bound to pile up a few ex's. You're older than him, right? Just between us girls, you are looking a little worn around the eyes. Darla: (smiles) I made him. There was a time when we shared everything, wasn't there Angelus? You had a chance to come home, to rule with me in the Master's court for a thousand years, but you threw that away because of her. You love someone who hates us. You're sick. And you'll always be sick. And you'll always remember what it was like to watch her die. (smiles) You don't think I came alone, do you? Buffy: I know I didn't. She kicks the bow up into her hands and aims it at Darla. Darla: Hmm, scary. She produces two p*stol from behind her back, one in each hand. Darla: Scarier! She sh**t Angel. He staggers back onto a post. Darla: Oh, don't worry. b*ll*ts can't k*ll vampires. Can hurt them like hell, but... (giggles) Buffy retreats. Darla starts sh**ting at her. She does a diving shoulder roll over a pool table and takes cover behind it. Cut outside. Giles, Willow and Xander hear the sh*ts from inside the Bronze. Xander: Did you just hear... They run to find a way in. Cut inside. Buffy reloads the crossbow. Darla: So many body parts, so few b*ll*ts. Let's begin with the kneecaps. No fun dancing without them. She caps off a few more rounds, and the pool table takes a few hits. Buffy pops up with the crossbow and takes a sh*t at Darla. She doubles over when it hits her in the abdomen. Buffy watches as she straightens back up again. Darla: Close, but no heart. She grabs the bolt, pulls it out and tosses it aside. Cut to Giles, Willow and Xander crawling along the floor. Xander: We need to distract her, fast! Willow: (calls out) Buffy, it wasn't Angel who att*cked your mom, it was Darla! Darla turns toward the voice and lets loose a hail of b*ll*ts as they hug the floor for cover. Angel pulls the bolt from the wall. Darla turns her attention back on Buffy and hops up onto the pool table. Buffy jumps up, grabs the edge of the table and pulls, knocking Darla onto her back. She pushes the table away and starts to run for cover. Darla fires off a few rounds as she rides the table across the floor. Buffy leaps for cover over a glass case in a dive roll as b*ll*ts break it all around her. The pool table has stopped sliding, and Darla gets up to look for Buffy. She hops off of it and advances on the counter while sh**ting. Giles gets up and messes with the lighting system controls. The strobes come on. Darla looks up at him and stops sh**ting. Buffy takes the opportunity to change position. Darla sees her move and lets loose another volley. Darla: C'mon, Buffy. Take it like a man! Angel comes up behind her, roars and plunges the bolt into her back. She is surprised and cries out in pain. She turns to look at her attacker. Darla: Angel? She falls to the floor and bursts into ashes. Buffy rises up to see. Angel looks up from Darla's ashes at Buffy. She comes out from behind the counter. He looks at her a moment longer and then turns and leaves. Buffy is speechless and just watches him go. Cut to the Master's lair. He screams as he wields a tall candle holder and smashes it in anger. He flails out with his arms and knocks other things over. Finally he sinks to the ground in grief. Collin comes over to him. Collin: Forget her. Master: (looks up) How dare you? She was my favorite. For four hundred years... Collin: She was weak. You don't need her. I'll bring you the Slayer. Master: But to lose her to Angel! He was to have sat at my right hand, come the day. And now... Collin: They're all against you. But soon you shall rise. And when you do... (puts a hand on the Master's shoulder) ...we k*ll them all. The Master smiles at him and gets up. Collin takes his hand and leads him away. Cut to later at the Bronze. Xander: Ah, the post-fumigation party. Buffy: Okay, so what's the difference between this and the pre- fumigation party? Xander: Much hardier cockroaches. Willow: So, no word from Angel? Buffy: Nah. It's weird, though. In his way I feel like he's still watching me. Willow: Well, in a way he sort of is. In the way of that he's right over there. Buffy looks over where Willow is looking and sees Angel. She briefly looks back at Willow and then heads over to him. Xander: I don't need to watch because I'm not thr*at. Just gonna look this way. He and Willow sit at a table with him facing away from Buffy and Angel. Willow watches as Buffy makes her way over to Angel. The crowd is slow dancing to "I'll remember you", by Sophie Zelmani. Lyrics: Did they know what they wanted / The times they kissed me? / And your hands / I held in mine Buffy and Angel reach each other. Angel: I just wanted to see if you were okay. And your mother. Buffy: We're both good. You? Angel: If I can go a little while without getting sh*t or s*ab I'll be alright. Look, this can't... Buffy: ...ever be anything. I know. For one thing, you're, like, two hundred and twenty-four years older than I am. Angel: I just gotta... I gotta walk away from this. Buffy: (nods) I know. Me, too. (whispers) One of us has to go here. Angel: (whispers) I know. They look at each other a moment longer and then close in to kiss. Their kiss becomes passionate. Buffy reaches her hands up to Angel's neck. Lyrics: Your eyes / That always make me shiver / Now they are closed / They just sometimes twitch a little Cut to Willow and Xander. Xander: What's going on? Willow: Nothin'... Xander: Well, as long as they're not kissing. Willow just watches and says nothing. Cut to Angel and Buffy. Lyrics: And your body / I could hold for an hour / It sent me to Heaven / With its heat and power They separate. Buffy: You okay? Angel: It's just... Buffy: ...painful. I know. See you around? Lyrics: I'll remember you / You will be there in my heart / I'll remember you / And that is all that I can do / But I'll remember Buffy walks away. Angel watches her go. The camera pans down to his chest where her cross has left a deep burn. The End

{"type": "series", "show": "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "episode": "01x07 - Angel"}

foreverdreaming

~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~ In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. A castle in Cortona, Italy, 1418. Cut inside. Carlo is standing by a window looking into the room. Moloch: Carlo, caro mio. Translation: Carlo, my dear one. Carlo comes into the room and over to Moloch. He kneels. Moloch steps over to him and puts his hand on his head. The camera pans up to Moloch's demonic face. Moloch: Mi ami? Ti daro' tutto. Tutto quello che desidero e' il tuo amore. Translation: Do you love me? I can give you everything. All I want is your love. Carlo: Tu hai il mio amore. Translation: You have my love. Moloch growls and quickly twists Carlo's head, snapping his neck. Cut to a church. Cut inside. The priest Thelonius is talking to a group of monks bearing torches. Thelonius: E fuori. E il diavolo, Molocco. E fuori nel mondo, facendo tante cose male. Abbiamo bisogno di fare il circolo. Translation: He's out. It is the devil, Moloch. He is out in the world, doing such bad things. We need to form the circle. (Transcriber's note: in this part there is a big difference between the subtitles from the episode and what was actually said, so the subtitles are included below.) Subtitles: It is Moloch. The Corrupter. He walks again. More and more people have fallen under his mesmerizing power. There is still time to bind him. We must form the circle. The monks gather around him as he opens a large book. Cut to a sh*t from above. The pages of the book are blank. Thelonius: Per potere di questo circolo di Kayless... Translation: By the power of the circle of Kayless... Cut to Moloch. He smiles as he straightens up and lets Carlo's body fall. His expression changes when he realizes something is wrong, and he looks up. Moloch: No! Cut back to the church. Thelonius: Per potere di questo circolo di Kayless, ti commando! Vieni! Translation: By the power of the circle of Kayless, I command you! Come! Cut to Moloch. He begins to scream angrily. Cut to the Church. Thelonius: Ti commando! Vieni! Translation: I command you! Come! Cut to Moloch. He screams even more loudly in terror. Cut to the Church. Thelonius: VIENI! Translation: COME! Cut to Moloch. He continues to scream. Suddenly he bursts into millions of tiny particles. Cut to the Church. The particles fall into the book as the camera follows them down. Thelonius: Vieni, demonio! Vieni! Translation: Come, demon! Come! As the particles fall into the book an ancient script appears. When the pages are filled, Thelonius closes the book. He steps over to a table and puts the book into a heavy wooden box. Thelonius: Preghiamo che questo libro e' mai letto piu'... Translation: Pray that this accursed book is never again read... Cut to a sh*t of the priest from inside the box. Thelonius: Che il demonio Molocco e' mai lasciato piu' fuori nel mondo. Translation: Lest the Demon Moloch be loosed upon the world. He puts the lid on the box. Centuries later the lid is lifted off of the box, and Buffy looks in. Buffy: (sarcastically) Oh, great! A book! Cut to the library. A book-scanning project is going on, and Willow and a few other computer science students are seated at the table, scanning the books into the library's computer system. Buffy pulls the book out of the box and blows some of the dust off of it. Giles: Oh, uh, I, uh... haven't gone through the new arrivals. Uh, put it in, uh, (points with his book) in, in that pile. Dave: Here, I'll get it. He gets up from his computer. Buffy: Oh, thanks, Dave. The Willow pile. Dave takes the book from Buffy and goes over to the pile of books next to Willow. Giles: Uh, when I've examined it, you can, uh, uh, skim it. Ms. Calendar: Scan it, Rupert. That's scan it. Giles: (gives her a look) Of course. Ms. Calendar: Oh, I know, our ways are strange to you, but soon you will join us in the 20th century. With three whole years to spare! Giles: Ms. Calendar, I'm sure your computer science class is fascinating, but I happen to believe that one can survive in modern society without being a sl*ve to the, um, idiot box. Ms. Calendar: That's TV. The idiot box is TV. This (indicates a computer) is the good box! Giles: I still prefer a good book. Fritz: The printed page is obsolete. (stands up) Information isn't bound up anymore. It's an entity. The only reality is virtual. If you're not jacked in, you're not alive. (grabs his books and leaves) Ms. Calendar: Thank you, Fritz, for making us all sound like crazy people. (to Giles) Fritz, Fritz comes on a little strong, but he does have a point. You know, for the last two years more e-mail was sent than regular mail. Giles: Oh... Ms. Calendar: More digitized information went across phone lines than conversation. Giles: That is a fact that I regard with genuine horror. Ms. Calendar: I'll bet it is. (to the students) Alright, guys, let's wrap it up for today. Willow: I've just got a few more. I'll hang for a bit. Ms. Calendar: Cool! Thanks! Xander grabs his bag and pulls it onto his shoulder. Willow: Xander, you wanna stay and help me? Xander: Are you kidding? Willow: Yes, it was a joke I made up. Xander: Willow, I love you, but bye! (leaves) Willow: (calls after him) See you tomorrow! Xander: Buffy, wait up! Giles: I'm, I'm just gonna stay and clean up a little. I'll, uh, I'll be back in the middle ages. Ms. Calendar: Did you ever leave? Giles stops and looks back. Ms. Calendar is pleased with his reaction to her comment. He continues up the stairs. Cut to later. Willow is alone in the library scanning the last book. She draws the scanner over the two pages, and they appear on the screen. As she types to save the scan the script in the book disappears. Willow closes the book, puts it in the pile with the others and leaves. The computer screen goes blank and Moloch's words appear. Moloch: Where am I? Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ The hall at Sunnydale High School. Buffy runs to catch up with Willow as she slowly walks down the hall. Buffy: Willow! Willow, hey, wait up! (reaches her) Willow: Oh, Buffy, I didn't even see you. Buffy: Or hear me. What was up last night? I tried your line, like, a million times. Willow: Oh, I was, I was talking. Buffy: Talking to...? (no answer) Okay, that's it, you have a secret, and that's not allowed. Willow: Why not? (opens her locker) Buffy: 'Cause... there's a rule. Willow: Well, I sort of met someone. Buffy: I knew it! This is so important! When did you meet? Willow: Last week after we did the scanning project in the library? (closes her locker) Buffy: Does he go here? What's his name? Have you kissed him? What's he like? Willow: No, Malcolm, no, and very nice. Buffy: You are a thing of evil for not telling me this right away! Willow: Well, I wasn't sure there was anything to tell. But last night, oh! We talked all night, it was amazing. He's so smart, Buffy, and, and he's romantic, and we agree about everything! Buffy: (sighs) What's he look like? Willow: I don't know! She continues down the hall with a big smile on her face. Buffy is confused and stares after her a moment, then starts to follow. Cut to the computer lab. Fritz and Dave are there, typing away. Dave: (to the screen) Yes, I will. I promise. Willow and Buffy come in. Buffy: So, you've been seeing a guy, and you don't know what he looks like? Okay, this is a puzzle. No, wait, I'm good at these. Does it involve a midget and a block of ice? Willow: I met him on-line. Buffy: On line for what? Willow indicates a computer. Buffy: Oh! Ms. Calendar strides quickly into the room wearing dark glasses and holding a mug of coffee in one hand and her books in the other. Ms. Calendar: Morning, kids! Buffy turns to look at her. Ms. Calendar notices Buffy as she heads to her desk. She puts her mug down. Ms. Calendar: Buffy, are you supposed to be somewhere? (takes off her glasses) Buffy: No, I have a free. Ms. Calendar: Cool! But this is lab time, so let's make it a nice, short visit, okay? Buffy: Sure. PC: You have mail. Willow: It's him! (types to get the message) Message: I'm thinking of you. Willow: He's so sweet! Buffy: (nods) He's a sweetie. (smiles nervously) Willow: What should I write back? Buffy: Uh, Willow, I think it's really great that you have this cool pen pal, but don't you think you're kinda rushing all into this? Y'know what I mean? Willow: 'I'm thinking of you, too!' No, that's incredibly stupid! Buffy: Will, down girl! Let's focus here, okay? What do you actually know about this guy? Willow: Oh, see, I knew you'd react like this. Buffy: Like what? The camera closes in on the computer's video feed. Buffy: I just wanna make sure you're careful, that's all. Cut to the computer's view. Willow: Buffy... Buffy: He could be different than you think. The computer focuses closely on Buffy. Cut to an office. The computer on the desk suddenly comes on. The student records scroll by. It stops on Buffy's record and expands it. Cut to Fritz's PC in the lab. Buffy's record appears there. The camera pans over to Fritz as he studies her record. The screen goes blank and a message appears. Moloch: Watch her. Cut to Willow and Buffy. Willow: His name is Malcolm Black, he's eighteen, he lives in Elmwood, which is about eighty miles from here, and he likes me! Buffy: Short, tall, skinny, fat? Willow: Why does everything have to be about looks? Buffy: Not everything, but some stuff is. I mean, what if you guys get really, really intense, and then you find out that he... has... a hairy back? Willow: Well, no! Uh, he doesn't talk like somebody who would have a hairy back. And anyways, that stuff doesn't matter when you really care about each other. Maybe I'm not his ideal either. Buffy: Hey, I'm just trying to make sure that he's good enough for you. I think it's great that you met someone. Cut to Ms. Calendar at her desk. She gets up holding some papers and comes over to Fritz. Ms. Calendar: Hey, Fritz... I'm, uh, lookin' at the logs. You and Dave are clockin' a pretty scary amount of computer time. Fritz: New project. Ms. Calendar: Ooo, will I be excited? Fritz: You'll die. Cut outside to the steps. A boy is reviewing his report on his laptop. Boy: This isn't my report! 'n*zi Germany was a model of a well ordered society'? I didn't write that! Who's been in my files? Willow comes down the steps next to him. She's off in her own world and doesn't notice Xander coming from her right. He puts his hand over her eyes, and she's forced to stop, nearly losing her balance. Xander: Hup, guess who? Willow: Uh, Xander? Xander: Yeah, but keep guessing anyway. Willow: Xander. Xander: (takes his hand from her eyes) Oh, I can't fool ya, you see right through my petty charade. We goin' to the Bronze tonight? Willow: (smiles) Not me, I think I'm gonna call it an early night. Xander: Oh, Malcolm, right? (Willow smiles and nods) Yeah, I heard. But you're gonna be missin' out. I'm plannin' to be witty. I'm gonna make fun of all the people who won't talk to me. Willow: That's nice. Have a good time! (smiles and quickly leaves) He watches her go. Buffy arrives and watches her go, too. Buffy: She certainly looks perky. Xander: Yeah, color in the cheeks, bounce in the step... I don't like it. It's not healthy. (faces her) So, are you goin' to the Bronze tonight? Oh, probably not, you probably have some vampire slaying or some lame endeavor like that, don't you? Everyone deserts me. They begin to walk. Buffy: Check out the jealous man! Xander: What are you talking about? Buffy: You're jealous. Xander: Of what? Buffy: Willow's got a thang, and Xander's left hanging. Xander: Oh, that's meaningless drivel. I'm not interested in Willow like that. Buffy: Yeah, but you got used to being the Belle of the Ball. Xander: No, it's just... this Malcolm guy? What's his deal? I mean, tell me you're not slightly wigged. Buffy: Okay, slightly. I mean, just not knowing what he's really like. Xander: Or who he really is. I mean, sure he says he's a high school student, but I can say I'm a high school student. Buffy: You are. Xander: Okay, but I can also say that I'm an elderly Dutch woman. Get me? I mean, who's to say I'm not if I'm in the elderly Dutch chat room? Buffy: (making light) I get your point! (gets his point) I get your point. Oh, this guy could be anybody. He could be weird, or crazy, or old, or... He could be a circus freak. He's probably a circus freak! Xander: Yeah. I mean, we read about it all the time. Y'know, people meet on the 'Net, they talk, they get together, have dinner, a show, horrible ax m*rder. Buffy: Willow ax m*rder by a circus freak... Okay, okay, what do we do? (realizes her paranoia) What are we doing? Xander, you get me started! We are totally overreacting! Xander: But it's fun, isn't it? Cut to the computer lab. Fritz is staring at stuff scrolling by on the screen. Fritz: I'm jacked in. I'm jacked in. I'm jacked in. The camera pans down to his arm where he's carving an 'M' into it. Fritz: I'm jacked in. Cut to the girls' locker room the next day. The camera follows two girls out when suddenly Willow comes barging in. Buffy: Whoa! You're the late girl. Willow: I overslept. Buffy: Till fifth period? Talkin' to Malcolm last night? Willow: Yeah. (sees Buffy's look) What? Buffy: Nothing. Willow: You're having an expression. Buffy: I'm not. But if I was, it'd be saying, 'This just isn't like you.' Willow: Not like me to have a boyfriend? Buffy: He's boyfriendly? Willow: I don't understand why you don't want me to have this. I mean, boys don't chase me around all the time. I thought you'd be happy for me. Buffy: I just want you to be sure. To meet him face to face. In daylight, in a crowded place with some friends. Y'know, before you become all... obsessive. Willow: Malcolm and I really care about each other. Big deal if I blow off a couple classes. Buffy: I thought you said you overslept. Willow: Malcolm said you wouldn't understand. Buffy: Malcolm was right. Cut to the computer lab. Buffy comes in, sees Dave and goes over to him. Buffy: Dave? (he's oblivious) Hey there, Dave. Anybody home? He jumps in his seat when she puts her hand on his shoulder. Dave: Oh, what do you want? Buffy: I wanted to ask you something if you have a minute. Dave: What is it? Buffy: Well, you're a computer geek... genius, and, uh, I sort of have a technical problem. If I wanted to find out something about someone, i- if someone e-mailed me, could I trace the letter? Dave: Well, you could pull up somebody's profile based on their user name. Buffy: But they write the profile themselves, right? And so they could say anything they wanted. Dave: True. Buffy: Wow! I had knowledge! (Dave smiles) Well, is there a way to find out exactly where a letter, an e-letter came from? I mean, the actual location of the computer? Dave: That's a challenge. Buffy: 'Cause, you see, Willow's got this boyfriend, Malcolm, and to tell you the truth, I think... Dave: (interrupting) Leave Willow alone. Buffy: What do you mean? Dave: That's none of your business. Buffy: (jumps to a conclusion) Dave, are you Malcolm? Dave: (turns back to the PC) Of course not. (types) Buffy: Dave, what's going on? Dave: Look, I'll talk to you later, okay? I've got work to do. She gets up and leaves. Buffy: (exhales) So do I. Fritz watches her go as she passes him. Cut to the library. Buffy follows Giles down the stairs to the counter. Buffy: I'm telling you, something is going on. It's not just Willow. Dave, Fritz, they're all wicked jumpy. Giles: Those boys aren't sparklingly normal as it is. Buffy: Giles, trust me. Giles: I-I do! I-I-I really don't know how to advise you. Things involved with a computer fill me with a childlike terror. Now, if it were a nice ogre or some such I'd be more in my element. Well, I-I suppose you could, um, tail Dave, see if he's up to something. Buffy: Follow Dave? What, in dark glasses and a trench coat? Please. I can work this out myself. Cut outside after school. Dave gets into his car, starts it and drives off. The camera pans over to Buffy wearing dark glasses and a dark coat as she watches him go. Cut to a front view of the CRD building. Cut to the loading dock in back. Dave drives up and gets out. Cut to outside the fence, where Buffy is looking in. She sees Dave go up to a technician and start talking to him. After a moment Dave and the technician go inside. The camera pans over to the CRD logo. Cut to a security camera turning towards Buffy. Cut to the view from the camera on Fritz's PC at school. It stops on Buffy and pulls in for a close-up. Fritz: She's too close. What do I do? Moloch: (on the screen) k*ll her. Fritz: Party. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ Sunnydale High. Buffy: Whatever Dave is into, it's large. Cut to the library. Buffy is sitting on the table. Giles: What was the name of this place? Buffy: It said CRD. But, I couldn't get close enough to see what it was. Xander: Calax Research and Development. It's a computer research lab. Third largest employer in Sunnydale till it closed down last year. (gets stares from the others) What, I can't have information sometimes? Giles: Well, it-it's just somewhat unprecedented. Xander: Well, my uncle used to work there. I-in a floor sweeping capacity. Buffy: But it closed? Xander: Uh huh. Buffy: Looked pretty functional from where I stood. I don't have a clue what they were doing. Xander: And what do they need Dave for? Buffy: Something about computers, right? I mean, he is off-the-chart smart. Giles: We still don't know an enormous amount. Whatever is going on there may be on the up-and-up. Xander: No, if CRD opened, it would've been on the news. Buffy: Besides, I can just tell something's wrong. My spider sense is tingling. Giles: Your... spider sense? Buffy: Pop culture reference. Sorry. Giles: Yes, well, (ahem) I think we're still at a stand still. Uh, uh, short of breaking into the place, I don't see... Buffy: Breaking in! (slides off of the table) Then this is the plan! Xander: I'm free tonight! Buffy: Tonight it is! (goes over to Xander) Giles: A moment, please, of quiet reflection. I do not suggest that you illegally enter the... Ms. Calendar enters the library. Giles: ...data into the file so the book will be listed by title as well as by author. Ms. Calendar: I just came by to check your new data base, make sure your cross reference table isn't glitching. 'Cause I'm guessing you haven't gone anywhere near it. Giles: Uh, I'm still sorting through the chaos you left behind you. Ms. Calendar: Hmm. (to Buffy and Xander) You're here again? Kids really dig the library, don't cha? Buffy: We're literary! Xander: To read makes our speaking English good. Buffy: We'll be going now. (grabs Xander and turns to leave) Giles: Uh, w-we'll, uh, continue this conversation at another time. Buffy: I think we're done. (they leave) (to Xander) Makes our speaking English is good? Xander: I panicked, okay? Cut to the computer lab. Willow is chatting on-line with Malcolm. Malcolm: I've never felt this way about anyone before, Willow. Willow: I know what you mean. I feel like you know me better than anyone. Malcolm: I do. Willow: Do you think we should... meet? Malcolm: I think we should soon. Willow: I'm nervous. Malcolm: I'm not. Isn't that strange? Willow: That's what Buffy doesn't understand, how comfortable you can make me feel. Malcolm: Buffy just makes trouble. That's why she got kicked out of her old school. She is puzzled and pauses for a moment. Willow: How did you know that? Malcolm: It's on her permanent record. She doesn't respond, still puzzled. Malcolm: You must have mentioned it. Willow: I guess. Malcolm: Let's not worry about her anymore. Willow: I have to sign off. I'll talk to you later. Malcolm: Don't. Willow: Bye. She turns off the monitor, gets up and leaves. Cut to the library. Ms. Calendar: (exasperated) You're a snob! Giles: (incredulous) I am no such thing. Ms. Calendar: Oh, you are a *big* snob. You, you think that knowledge should be kept in these carefully guarded repositories where only a handful of white guys can get at it. Giles: Nonsense! I simply don't adhere to a, a knee-jerk assumption that because something is new, it's better. Ms. Calendar: This isn't a fad, Rupert! We are creating a new society here. Giles: A society in which human interaction is all but obsolete? In which people can be completely manipulated by technology, well, well... Thank you, I'll pass. Ms. Calendar: Well, (ahem) I think you'll be very happy here with your musty, old books. (opens Moloch's book) Giles: These musty old books have a great deal more to say than in any of your... fabulous web pages. Ms. Calendar: Hmm. (pages through the book) This one doesn't have a whole lot more to say. Giles stares at the empty book. Ms. Calendar: What is it, like a diary? Giles: How odd. I haven't looked through all the volumes yet, I didn't, um... He closes the book and sees the etching of Moloch on the cover. Ms. Calendar: What is it? Giles: Uh, nothing, um, a, a diary, yes. I imagine that's what it is. (pauses to think) Well, it's been so nice talking to you. (heads to his office with the book) Ms. Calendar: We were fighting. Giles: Must do it again sometime, yes... Bye, now. She watches him disappear into his office. Cut outside. The school nurse is frantic as she quickly walks along with a man. School nurse: I checked the computer, and there's nothing in his file about being allergic to penicillin! Buffy comes walking out of the school. Dave comes up to her. Dave: Buffy! Buffy: Dave! How're you doing? Dave: Okay. Uh, look, I'm sorry about yesterday. I haven't been getting much sleep lately, y'know? Buffy: Don't sweat it. Dave: Willow was looking for you. Buffy: Good, I need to talk to her. Do you know where she is? Dave: She said she'd be in the, in the girls' locker room. Buffy: Great. Thanks. She looks at him a moment, and then goes to find Willow. He watches her go. Cut to the girl's locker room. It's deserted. Buffy slowly walks down the aisle and into a row of lockers. Buffy: Will? She walks further. Buffy: Willow? Cut to Fritz in the shower. He turns the water on and leaves. Cut to Buffy. Buffy: Will? You taking a shower? She goes to the shower and sees that it's on, but no one's there. Buffy: I guess not. The camera cuts to a light above and follows an electrical cord from it down to the corner of the floor in the shower. Buffy walks into the shower to turn off the water. Buffy: This is how droughts get started. She turns the water off. The water creeps toward the exposed wires. Dave: Buffy! Get out! She turns to him and notices the wires. They begin to spark. She leaps out of the shower. An arc of electricity follows her for an instant. She lands on a changing bench and rolls off onto the floor. Dave runs from the locker room. She sits up and looks over toward the showers. The camera pulls back to show the soles of her shoes smoking. Cut to the computer lab. It's dark. Dave comes in and turns on a PC. Dave: I can't do it! I'm not gonna do it. Moloch: But you promised. Dave: Buffy isn't a thr*at to you! Stop with it. Moloch: The project is almost complete. You won't have to do it again. Dave: (drops his bag and whimpers) Oh, I can't! Moloch: I've shown you a new world, Dave. Knowledge, power... I can give you everything. All I want is your love. Dave: No. This isn't right. None of it is. The scratch pad comes up on the screen and Moloch writes a note: I'm sorry. I've been a terrible person. I'm a coward, and I can't go on living like this. Forgive me, Mom and Dad. At least now I'll have some peace. Remember me. Love, Dave. He backs away from the computer. Fritz is waiting behind him by the window. Cut to the library. Buffy sits at the table while Xander paces. Xander: I'm gonna k*ll Dave! Buffy: He tried to warn me. Xander: Warn you that he set you up? (to Giles) Is she gonna be okay? Giles: She was only grounded for a moment. (sits and hands Buffy a mug) Still, if you'd been anyone but the Slayer... Buffy: Tell me the truth: how's my hair? Xander: It's great! It's your best hair ever! (smiles) Giles: Uh, oh, yes. Buffy: I just... I don't understand what would make Dave do a thing like that. Giles: I think perhaps I do. He goes over to get Moloch's book from the cage. He comes back holding it up. Giles: Does this look familiar to either of you? Buffy: Yeah, sure. Looks like a book. Xander: I knew that one. Giles: (sets it on the table) In the dark ages the souls of demons were sometimes trapped in certain volumes. They remained locked within the book, harmless, unless the pages were read aloud. Unless I'm mistaken, this is Moloch, the Corrupter. A very deadly and seductive demon. He draws people to him with promises of love, power, knowledge. Preys on impressionable minds. Xander: Like Dave's. Giles: Dave, and who knows how many others. Buffy: And Moloch is inside that book? Giles: Not anymore. (opens the book) Xander: You released Moloch? Buffy: Way to go! Giles: I didn't read it! That dreadful Calendar woman found it and, and it was already blank. Buffy: Okay, so a powerful demon with horns is walking around Sunnydale, and nobody's noticed? Xander: I-if he's so big and strong, why bother with Dave? I mean, why didn't he just att*ck Buffy himself? Giles: I don't know. And I don't know who could've read that book. It wasn't even in English. Buffy: Where was it? Giles: Uh, in a pile with others that were, um, uh, scanned. They look over at the PC. Xander: And that released the demon? Buffy: No, he's not out here. (points to the PC) He's in there. Giles: The scanner read the book. It brought Moloch out as information to be absorbed. Buffy: He's gone binary on us. Xander: Okay, for those of us in our studio audience, who are me? You guys are saying that Moloch is in this computer? Buffy: And every computer connected to it by a modem. Giles: He's everywhere. Xander: What are we gonna do? Giles: Willow scanned him into her file. It may be... a futile gesture, but I suggest we, um, uh, delete it. Buffy: Solid! She gets up and walks over to the PC. Xander: Don't get too close. She sits down in front of it. Buffy: Okay. Okay. (turns on the monitor) So which file do you think it is? Willow? (types) That's probably it, right? I'll just delete the whole thing. She drags the file icon to the trash bin, and inhales in fright when Moloch's demonic face appears on the screen. Moloch: Stay away from Willow! It is none of your business! The screen returns to normal. Buffy: So that's what Malcolm looks like. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Buffy: So much for delete file. Giles: This is very bad. Xander: Are we overreacting? He's in a computer! What can he do? Buffy: You mean besides convince a perfectly nice kid to try and k*ll me? I don't know. How about mess up all the medical equipment in the world? Giles: Randomize traffic signals. Buffy: Access launch codes for our nuclear m*ssile. Giles: Destroy the world's economy. Buffy: I think I pretty much capped it with that nuclear m*ssile thing. Giles: Right, yours was best. Xander: Okay, he's a thr*at, I'm on board with that now. But what can we do about it? Buffy: I think the first thing we do is find Willow. She's probably talking to him right now. God, that creeps me out! Xander: What does he want with Willow? Buffy: Let's never find out. (gets up) Okay, I'm gonna check the computer lab, and you guys call her home. Cut to the computer lab. Buffy comes in and looks around. It's dark. Buffy: Willow? The PC's suddenly all come on, startling her. She backs further into the room while looking around more. She turns around and jumps as she bumps into Dave. He's hanging from the ceiling with the note pinned to his shirt. Cut to the library. Xander is on the phone trying to reach Willow. He gives up. Xander: No answer. Giles: Damn it! Xander: (hangs up) Well, it wasn't busy either, so she's not on-line. Buffy comes back into the library. Xander: (to Buffy) She's not home. Giles: What did you find? Xander: Willow isn't... Buffy: Dave. He's d*ad. Giles: How? Buffy: Well, it looks like su1c1de. Xander: With a little help from my friends? Buffy: I'd guess Fritz. Or the other zomboids from CRD. Okay, (to Xander) you and I are gonna go to Willow's house. Giles, you need to come up with a way to get Moloch out of the 'Net. Giles: I, I have records of the ceremonies, but, but that's for a creature of the flesh. Th-this could be something completely different. Buffy: Then get Ms. Calendar. Maybe she can help you. Giles: Well, even if she could, how am I gonna convince her that there's a demon on the Internet? Buffy: Okay, fine, then you can stay here and come up with a better plan. (to Xander) C'mon. Cut to Willow's house. She's coming home. She unlocks the door and goes in. Cut inside. Willow: Mom? Dad? She closes the door. Cut to her room. She dumps her book bag on the bed and opens it. PC: You have mail. Willow looks at her PC. The mail icon in active. She goes over to her desk, types, clicks on the icon and opens the new message folder. Message: No more waiting. I need you to see me. She turns off her monitor and goes back to her bag. The monitor comes back on by itself again. PC: You have mail. Willow stares at it in disbelief. The doorbell rings, and after another look at her computer she goes to answer it. Cut to the front door. Willow: Dad, did you forget your keys again? She opens the door, but no one's there. She turns to go back in. As she starts to close the door behind her Fritz reaches around her head with a cloth splashed with chloroform. After a brief struggle Willow goes unconscious. Fritz: No more waiting. Cut to the library. Giles is researching and listening to the radio. Radio: A spokesman for the archbishop denied the allegations, blaming computer error for the apparent financial discrepancy. Giles: Binding rituals... Radio: In Washington D.C., the FBI today reported that all of its serial k*ller profiles have been mysteriously downloaded from its central computer. Ms. Calendar knocks on the door. Ms. Calendar: Hi. I got your message. What's so urgent? Giles: (turns off the radio and gets up) Um, thank you for coming. Uh, I need your help. (laughs nervously) But before that, um, I need you to believe something that, um, you may not want to. Uh, there's, uh... something's got into the, um... i-i-inside, um... (takes a breath and lets it out) There's a demon in the Internet. Ms. Calendar: I know. Giles is surprised to hear that. Cut to Willow's house. Buffy and Xander arrive and find the door open. Buffy: Willow?! Cut inside. Xander: This isn't good. Buffy: Willow?! They come in and head for Willow's room. Cut to Willow's room. Buffy: Willow?! They walk into the room and see that Willow isn't there. Xander: Okay, any thoughts? Buffy looks around and sees the message on the computer. Buffy: (reads) 'No more waiting, I need you to see me'? (to Xander) See him how? Where? Xander: What about CRD? Buffy: The research place? Xander: I'm guessing that's Moloch central. Buffy: Guessing that's our best lead. Let's just hope Giles can back us up. They leave. Cut to the library. Giles unfolds his arms and gets up from the table. Giles: You already know? How exactly is that? Ms. Calendar: Come on, there've been portents for days. I mean, power surges, on-line shutdowns... You should see the bones I've been casting. I *knew* this would happen sooner or later. I mean, it's probably a, a mischief demon, y'know, like Kelkor, or... Giles: It's Moloch. Ms. Calendar: The Corrupter? Oh, boy. (exhales) I shoulda remembered, I just don't... Giles: Uh... You don't seem exactly surprised by... Who are you? Ms. Calendar: I teach computer science at the local high school. Giles: A profession that hardly lends itself to the casting of bones. Ms. Calendar: Wrong and wrong, snobby. You think the realm of the mystical is limited to ancient texts and relics? That bad old science made the magic go away? Mm. The divine exists in cyberspace same as out here. Giles: Are you a witch? Ms. Calendar: Mm. I don't have that kinda power. 'Technopagan' is the term. Giles lets out a chuckle. Ms. Calendar: There are more of us than you think. Giles: Well, uh, you can definitely help me. (gets the book) Um... What's in cyberspace at the moment is less than divine. They go out into the main area. Giles: I have the binding rituals at hand, but I'm completely out of my idiom. Ms. Calendar: Well, I can help! I think... I hope, I mean, well, (sits at the PC) this is my first real... Do you know how he got in? Giles: He was, uh, 'scanned' is the term, I believe. Ms. Calendar: And you want him back in the book? The phone rings. Giles goes to get it. Giles: Buffy! Buffy: (cut to a pay phone outside CRD) Yeah. Giles: Willow? Buffy: Not at home. It looks like she was taken somewhere. Giles: (cut to him) Where are you? Buffy: (cut to her) CRD. Whatever Moloch wants Willow for, it's probably in there. Giles: (cut to him) Ms. Calendar and I are, uh, working to get Moloch off-line. Buffy: (cut to her) Here's a tip: hurry! (hangs up) Cut to a lab inside CRD. It's dark. Willow is lying on a table unconscious. She wakes up. After a moment she sits up and looks around. She sees Fritz and a technician standing there, and beyond them a computer monitor. The camera begins to close on the monitor. Moloch: Welcome, my love. The camera starts to close on Willow. The camera closes on the monitor again. Moloch: I can't tell you how good it is to see you... The camera closes in on Willow's terrified face. Cut to the monitor. A metal hand slaps down on it. The camera pans up to Moloch's face. A robot body has been built for him. Moloch: ...with my own two eyes. Willow is breathing hard and is very afraid. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4~~~~~~~~~~ The lab at CRD. Willow is terrified. Moloch: Willow. Willow: (whispers) Malcolm. Fritz and the technician come to get her and take her by the arms. Moloch slowly comes closer. Moloch: This world is so new, so exciting. I can see all of it. Everything flows through me. I know the secrets of your kings. But nothing compares to having form again. To be able to walk, (puts his hand on Fritz's head) to touch, (breaks Fritz's neck) to k*ll. Willow watches Fritz's d*ad body fall. She looks back up at Moloch. Cut outside. Buffy lands on the other side of the fence. Xander yells as he falls after climbing over the top. Buffy helps him up. Xander: Back way? Buffy: Back way. They make for the back entrance. Xander is limping badly. Cut inside. Buffy kicks the doors open. She walks in determinedly. Cut to the lab. Moloch: Here they come. Cut to the library. Ms. Calendar is lighting candles. Ms. Calendar: The first thing we have to do is form the circle of Kayless. Right? Giles: Form a circle? But there's only two of us. That's really more of a line. Ms. Calendar: You're not getting it, Rupert. We have to form the circle inside. (sits at the PC) I'm putting out a flash. I just hope enough of my group responds. Giles: Won't Moloch just shut you down? Ms. Calendar: Well, I'm betting he won't figure out what we're doing until it's too late. Giles: Hoping and betting, that's what we've got. Ms. Calendar: You wanna throw in praying? Be my guest. Cut to the lab at CRD. Willow: I don't understand. What do you want from me? Moloch: I want to give you the world. Willow: Why? Moloch: You created me. I brought these humans together to build me a body. But *you* gave me life. Took me out of the book that held me. I want to repay you. Willow: By lying to me? By pretending to be a person? Pretending you loved me? Moloch: I do! Cut to the lobby. Buffy and Xander walk up to the guard. He gets up to stop them, but she punches him out and continues. Xander notices the guard's monitor. Xander: Uh, Buffy! She comes back to look. Buffy: It's her! Xander: Yeah, who's the other guy? Cut to the lab. Moloch: Don't you see? I can give you everything! I can control the world! Right now a man in Beijing is transferring money to a Swiss bank account for a contract on his mother's life. Good for him! Cut to another hall. Buffy and Xander come through the doors. She finds the door to the lab and tries to force it open. Buffy: I can't bust it. It's heavy steel. Xander: Then let's find another way in. He starts toward the next set of doors when an alarm goes off and red lights flash. Xander jumps to the door to try it. It's locked. He comes back. Xander: What's goin' on? Buffy spies a security camera. Buffy: Building's security system is computerized. Xander: Whoops! A gas begins to spray into the hall. Cut to the library. Ms. Calendar: Almost there. Giles: Couldn't you just stop Moloch by, by entering some computer virus? Ms. Calendar: You've seen way too many movies. Okay! We're up. You read, I type. Ready? Giles: Uh, I am. By the power of the divine, by the essence of the word, I command you... Cut to the hall at CRD. Buffy and Xander are pounding on the doors. Xander begins to cough. Cut into the lab. Willow: Let me leave? Moloch: But I love you! Willow: Don't say that! That's a joke! You don't love anything! Moloch: You are mine! Willow: I'm not yours! I'm never gonna be yours! Never! Moloch lowers his head and considers for a moment while Willow just watches and waits. He raises his head again. Moloch: Pity. Cut to the library. Giles: By the power of the circle of Kayless, I command you... (sees her typing) Kayless, with a 'K'. Cut to the hall. Xander slides down the wall to the floor, almost unconscious. Buffy is still weakly hitting the door. Cut to the lab. Moloch has Willow cornered. He reaches up and puts his hand on her head. Moloch: I'll miss you. Willow screams. Cut to the library. Giles: Demon, come! Cut to the lab. Moloch screams and lifts his arms in pain, letting go of Willow. He begins to writhe. Cut to the library. Giles: I command you! Cut to the lab. Buffy comes in though the door with Xander close behind. She leaps into a jumping side kick, making a dull thud when she connects with Moloch's chest, but he only staggers a bit, and she just falls to the floor. Buffy: Ow... Guy's made of metal! The technician grabs Xander from behind and pulls him away. Buffy quickly gets up and looks at Willow while Moloch continues to writhe in pain. Moloch: No! I won't go back! Buffy grabs Willow's hand and they run out of the lab. Cut to the library. Giles: Demon, COME! Cut to the lab. Moloch continues to scream. Cut to the library. The computer sparks several times. Cut to the lab. Xander pushes the technician back into a wall, turns around and punches him out. He quickly follows the girls out. Xander: Hey! I got to h*t someone! Moloch falls to his knees. Cut to the library. Wind is bl*wing inside and the computer monitor is flashing. Cut to the lab. Moloch screams loudly. Cut to the library. Giles and Ms. Calendar watch the screen flicker. Cut to the lab. Moloch's screams die out. Cut to the library. The computer monitor stops flashing. Smoke comes out of the back of the monitor. Ms. Calendar: He's out of the 'Net. He's bound. Giles goes over to the book, picks it up and opens it to look. Giles: He's not in the book. Ms. Calendar: (gets up and looks at it also) He's not in the book. Well, where is he? Cut to the lab. Moloch slowly raises his head. Cut to the hall. Buffy and Willow open a set of doors and see a guard and two technicians running toward them. They push the doors closed. Xander: Let's go this way! (begins to run the other way) Buffy: Wait! Xander is still limping heavily. Suddenly Moloch crashes through the wall between them. He looks at Xander and backhands him in the face. Xander falls to the floor unconscious. Moloch turns and advances on the girls. He starts to swing at Buffy and she tries to block the h*t, but he doesn't budge and just pushes her aside and into the wall. She slides to the floor, a bit dazed. Moloch: I was omnipotent. I was everything! Now I'm trapped in this shell! He reaches out to grab her by the head. Willow: Malcolm! Moloch turns to face her. She has a f*re extinguisher. Willow: Remember me, your girlfriend?! She pounds the extinguisher into his chest hard enough to make him bend back. Willow: Well, I think it's time we break up! She hits him again even harder. Willow: Or maybe we can still be friends! She tries again for his face, but this time he grabs the extinguisher from her and throws it down. He grabs her and shoves her down the hall into Xander, who's just getting up again. They both crash to the floor. Buffy has recovered from her daze and gets up to face Moloch. He turns his attention on her. Moloch: This body's all I have left. But it's enough to crush you! Buffy looks around for a way to deal with him. She notices a power junction box on the wall. She faces him again and eases her way in front of the box. Buffy: Take your best sh*t. Moloch rears back for a punch and swings. Buffy ducks away, and he punches right into the electrical box. It shorts out, and Moloch is enveloped by high voltage electricity. Buffy runs over to Willow and Xander and crouches down to protect them. Moloch's circuitry overloads, and his body explodes. His head lands right in front of them. Cut to the school the next day. Cut to the computer lab. Ms. Calendar is standing at her desk and typing on her PC. Giles comes in, clears his throat and knocks on the open door. She turns to see who's there. Ms. Calendar: (smiles) Well, look who's here! Welcome to my world. (with a bit of an attitude) You scared? Giles: I'm remaining calm, thank you. Uh, I just wanted to, uh, return this. (holds up a small curly earring) I found it among the new books, and naturally I thought of you. Ms. Calendar: Cool. Thanks. (takes it) Giles: Uh, well, I'll, I'll see you anon. (begins to go) Ms. Calendar: Can't get outta here fast enough, can you? Giles: (comes back in) Truthfully, I'm even less anxious to be around computers than I used to be. Ms. Calendar: Well, it was your book that started all the trouble, not a computer. Giles is at a loss. Ms. Calendar: Honestly, what is it about them that bothers you so much? Giles: The smell. Ms. Calendar: Computer's don't smell, Rupert. Giles: I know! Smell is the most powerful trigger to the memory there is. A certain flower or a, a whiff of smoke can bring up experiences... long forgotten. Books smell. Musty and, and, and, and rich. The knowledge gained from a computer, is, uh, it... it has no, no texture, no, no context. It's, it's there and then it's gone. If it's to last, then, then the getting of knowledge should be, uh, tangible, it should be, um... smelly. Ms. Calendar: Well! You really are an old-fashioned boy, aren't you? Giles: Well, I-I don't dangle a corkscrew from my ear. Ms. Calendar: That's not where I dangle it. She walks past him and smiles. Giles follows her with his gaze and looks puzzled. Cut outside to the fountain. Xander and Buffy are trying to cheer up Willow. Xander: We gonna go to the Bronze tonight? We three? Buffy: It'll be fun! Xander: Yeah, Willow, fun? Remember fun? That thing where you smile? (smiles) Willow: Oh, I'm sorry guys. I'm just thinking about... Buffy: Malcolm? Willow: Malcolm, Moloch... whatever he's called. The one boy that's really liked me, and he's a demon robot. What does that say about me? Buffy: It doesn't say anything about you. Willow: I mean, I thought I was really falling...

{"type": "series", "show": "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "episode": "01x08 - I Robot, You Jane.."}

foreverdreaming

~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~ In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. Backstage in the Sunnydale High School auditorium. Emily is doing ballet stretching exercises. The camera shows her from the demon's point of view as he observes her from low to the floor. Demon: (exhales) I will be whole. I will be new. (exhales) The camera moves through the backstage area. A number of students are practicing their acts. Among them are Lisa playing her tuba and Marc rehearsing his magic act. The camera eventually reaches Morgan and his dummy, Sid. Morgan rubs his temples a moment and then looks around. Cut to the stage. Cordelia is singing "The Greatest Love of All" off key. Cordelia: Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all. I decided long ago... Cut to Giles in the seats. He does *not* want to be there. Cordelia: ...never to walk in anyone's shadow. (cut to Cordelia) If I fail, if I succeed, at least... Giles: (interrupts) Thank you, Cordelia. Tha-that's going to be lovely. Cordelia: But I didn't do the part with the sparklers! Giles: Um, w-we'll, um... save that for the dress rehearsal. (anxious to get rid of her) Uh, Lisa! Please! Cordelia: Uhhh! She puts the microphone back on its stand and leaves the stage as Lisa sets up with her tuba. Cut back to Giles as Lisa begins her solo. He rubs his eyes. Buffy, Willow and Xander come down the center aisle. Buffy: (draws a breath) If it isn't the great producer! They go into the seats and sit around Giles. Xander: Had to see this to believe it. Giles: Oh. You three. Buffy: The school talent show. How ever did you finagle such a primo assignment? Giles: Our new Führer, Mr. Snyder. Willow: I think they call 'em 'principals' now. Giles: Mm. He thought it would behoove me to have more contact with the students. I did try to explain that my vocational choice of librarian was a deliberate attempt to (draws a breath) minimize said contact, but, uh, he would have none of it. Buffy: Giles, unto every generation is born one who must run the annual talentless show. You cannot escape your destiny. Giles: If you had any shred of decency, you would have participated, or at least, um, helped. Buffy: Nah! I think I'll take on your traditional role... and watch! Xander: And mock! Willow: And laugh! They all laugh. Buffy: O-kay. I think maybe we better leave our Mr. Giles to this business he calls a show. The three of them get up and start back up the aisle. Principal Snyder is waiting there for them. Buffy: Principal Snyder! Snyder: So. We think school events are stupid, and we think authority figures are to be made fun of. Buffy: No! No, we don't. W-unless you do. Snyder: And we think our afternoon classes are optional. All three of you left campus yesterday. Buffy: Yeah, but we were fighting a demon... Snyder: Fighting? Buffy: Not fighting. Xander: No, we, uh, left to *avoid* fighting. Snyder: Real anti-social types. You need to integrate into this school, people. (crosses his arms) I think I just found three eager new participants for the talent show. Buffy: What? Xander: No! Willow: Please? Snyder: I've been watching you three. Always getting into one scrape or another. Buffy: Well, we're really, really sorry, but about the talent show, pleeease, you can't make us... Snyder: (interrupts) My predecessor, Mr. Flutie, may have gone in for all that touchy-feely relating nonsense, but he was eaten. You're in *my* world now. And Sunnydale has touched and felt for the last time. He starts past them down toward the stage. Xander: Can I just mention, that detention is a time-honored form of punishment? Buffy nods vigorously in agreement. Snyder: I know the three of you will come up with a wonderful act for the school to watch. And mock. And laugh. At. He continues down to the stage. Xander can't believe this. He points up with both index fingers and sits down in a seat. Xander: No! Buffy spaces out and moans. She goes back into Giles' row, sits next to him and looks to him for sympathy. He has none to give, and tries to hide a smirk. The tuba solo is over. Willow just stands there with a big frown on her face. Giles: (to Lisa) Thank you! The next act sets up. It's Morgan with his dummy, Sid. Buffy: Ewww, dummy! Xander: (sees a mime and jumps in his seat) Dyow! Mime! Willow: (sits behind Buffy) I think dummies are cute. You don't? Buffy: Uuuhhh. They give me the wig. Ever since I was little. Willow: What happened? Buffy: I saw a dummy. It gave me the wig. There really wasn't a story there. Morgan: (on stage) Hi. I'm Morgan. (moves the dummy's head) And I'm Sid! He is an awful ventriloquist, and Giles winces. Buffy raises her eyebrows and stares in disbelief. Morgan: (as Sid) Hey Morgan, would you like to tell some jokes? (as himself) Would I! (as Sid) As a matter of fact, it is! It's also a wood nose, and a wood mouth! Willow can't believe his act either. Morgan laughs nervously for Sid. Buffy looks at Giles. He takes off his glasses. Morgan: (as Sid) I didn't sleep at all last night. Sid: Alright, time out. Let's stop this before someone gets hurt. (to Morgan) Kid, you are the worst. Even I can see your lips move. Buffy starts to giggle. Giles looks up again and puts his glasses back on, intrigued now that he sees he may have at least one good act. Morgan: C'mon, Sid. You're spoiling my act. I worked on these jokes for weeks. Sid: You call those jokes? My jockey shorts are made out of better material. A few students have gathered at the edge of the stage to watch Morgan's act and laugh. Sid: And they're edible! More laughs from the students. Buffy, Willow and Xander are into it now, too. Giles: There, you see? I'm sure you three can come up with something... equally exciting. Sid smiles. Cut to the girls' locker room. Emily is changing back into her regular clothes. She puts her ballet outfit and shoes into her locker and closes it. She hears a noise. Emily: Is anybody there? She walks to the end of the row of lockers and peeks around the corner. Emily: Hello? She walks around to the next row of lockers. No one's there. The demon exhales as it watches her from low to the floor. Emily: Hello? She continues down the row toward the showers. The demon comes up behind her. Emily turns and screams. Fade to black. Demon: I will be flesh! Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ The talent show tryouts. Marc: I reach into the hat, and out... comes... He lifts the hat and looks around frantically. Marc: Has anybody seen a rabbit? He begins to search along the floor. The camera follows Elliot as he juggles and walks past Marc toward Lisa, then it follows her for a few steps. The camera pulls back to Xander, Willow and Buffy practicing a dramatic scene. Xander poses with his right arm in the air to begin his line. Xander: I can't do this! Buffy: Xander, come on. Xander: I, I can't! I have my pride! Okay, I don't have a lot of my pride, but I have enough so that I can't do this! He goes over to the steps at the side of the stage to sit. Willow follows him. Willow: A dramatic scene is the easiest way to get through the talent show, because it doesn't require an actual talent. (sits above him) Xander: But we have talent. We can do stuff. Buffy, uh... Buffy: (also sitting now) What am I gonna do? Slay vampires on stage? Willow: Maybe in a funny way! Xander: Willow, you can do stuff. Uh, the piano... Buffy: You play? Willow: A little. Buffy: Well, that's cool. You can accompany us and we can *attempt* to sing. Willow: Oh, i-in front of other people? Then, no, I don't play... Xander: Whatever happened to corporal punishment? Sid whistles at the girls. Xander, Buffy and Willow look at him and Morgan. Sid: Mm, mm, mm. Look at the goodies! Morgan looks embarrassed. Willow gets up and goes over to him. Willow: Morgan, you're really getting good! Where did you come up with that voice? Morgan: It's kind of an imitation of my dad. Buffy: Sounds real! Sid: It is real. I'm the one with the talent here. The kid's d*ad weight. (to Willow) How about you and I do a little rehearsin' on our own, honey? Xander: Uh, hey! Sid: You know what they say: once you go wood, nothin's as good! Buffy: Okay, Morgan. We get the joke. Horny dummy, ha, ha, it's very funny, but you might wanna consider getting some new schtick. Unless you want your prop ending up as a Duraflame log. Morgan and Sid exchange a look. Cut to a view of the seats from above. Principal Snyder and Giles come in through the doors at the back of the auditorium. The camera slowly pans down to them as they walk down the aisle. Snyder: Kids today need discipline. That's an unpopular word these days, 'discipline'. I know Principal Flutie would have said, 'Kids need understanding. Kids are human beings.' That's the kind of woolly-headed, liberal thinking that leads to being eaten. Giles: I, I think perhaps it was a little more complex than, um... Snyder: This place has quite a reputation. su1c1de, missing persons, spontaneous cheerleader combustion... You can't put up with that. You've gotta keep an eye on the bad element. They reach the stage and stop. The camera has closed in on them. Snyder nods up towards the stage. Snyder: Like those three. Cut to Buffy, Willow and Xander practicing their dramatic scene. Cut to Snyder. Snyder: Kids. I don't like them. From now on you're gonna see a very different Sunnydale High. Tight ship, clean, orderly, (faces Giles) and quiet. Cut to the girls' locker room. A girl screams loudly when she discovers Emily's body. Cut to later as the paramedics prepare the body for transport. Giles comes out of the locker room into the hall. He ducks under the yellow police tape and goes over to the team. Giles: (clears his throat) It was Emily. Willow: Emily. Dancer Emily? Xander: Oh, man! I hate this school. Giles: Uh, it must have happened just after, uh, dress rehearsals. There was a cross-country meet at Melville. She, she, she never showed up for it. Buffy: Vampire? Giles: Um, I think not. Buffy: Giles, share! What happened? Giles: (exhales) Her heart was removed. Willow: Yikes! Buffy: Does that mean anything to you? Besides (shudders) ooooooo? Giles: Uh... (exhales) There are various demons which, which feed off human hearts, but... They look back and see the Kn*fe being put into an evidence bag. Buffy: But demons have claws. And teeth. Xander: They got no use for a big old Kn*fe. Giles: Which more than likely makes our m*rder... Buffy: Human. Xander: Did I mention that I *hate* this school? Willow: So Emily was k*lled by a regular human person. Giles: The evidence certainly points that way. Buffy: No, wait. I-I'm not buying, you guys. Remember the Hellmouth? Mystical activity is totally rife here. This to me says demon. Giles: I'd like to think you're right. A demon is a creature of evil, pure and very simple. A person driven to k*ll is, is, um, it's more complex. Willow: The creep factor is also heightened. It could be anyone. It could be me! (gets looks from them all) It's not, though. Giles: Uh, demon or no, we have some investigating to do. I suggest we start with your... your talent show compatriots. One of them may have been the last to see her alive. Cut to the band room. Buffy is interviewing Lisa. Lisa: I didn't know her too well. There's that whole dancer/band rivalry, y'know? Buffy: I've heard about that. Lisa: But I did speak to her a little the day that... yesterday. Buffy: How did she seem? Cut to outside, where Giles is interviewing Marc as he shuffles a deck of cards. Marc: She was happy. I guess. She was psyched to be doing the show. She was a really good dancer. Here, pick a card. Giles: Uh, um... (reaches for a card) Marc: No, wai-wai-wai-wait. Not that one. Pick this one. Giles: (takes the card) Do you remember the last time you saw her? Marc: She was talkin' to someone. Giles: Who? Cut to a classroom. Willow and Elliot come in. Elliot: That smart guy. The one with the dummy. What's his name? Willow: Morgan? Elliot: Yeah, that's it. He was actin' kinda strange. Willow: Strange how? Cut outside to cheerleader practice. Xander is talking to Cordelia. Cordelia: It's just such a tragedy for me. Emma was, like, my best friend. Xander: Emily. Cut to the band room. Lisa: Well, Morgan's just strange. He's always rubbing his head a lot and moaning. Especially the other day. Cut outside. Marc: He seemed kinda paranoid... Lookin' around at everyone... Cut to the classroom. Elliot: And I think I saw him arguing... with his dummy. Cut outside. Cordelia: All I can think is, it coulda been me! Xander: We can dream. Cut to the auditorium. Buffy comes in through the front side door. She looks around and walks over to the stage. She sees Sid on a stool, facing the curtain. Sid: (to Morgan offstage) Right now you and me gotta be on the lookout. Figure out who's gonna be next. Morgan: (comes on stage) How are we supposed to... (sees Buffy) Oh, hi. Buffy: Hello. Morgan: I was just working on throwing my voice. (walks upstage) Buffy: Uh, Morgan, did you notice anything weird going on around here yesterday? Morgan: (gathers Sid up) Weird? What d'you mean? (goes down the steps from the stage) Buffy: With Emily. Did she say anything to you, was she arguing with anyone? Morgan: (goes over to Sid's case) No. She was dancing. (opens the case) Sid and I were talking. Buffy: Talking. Morgan: Rehearsing. Buffy: So, you didn't notice anything weird at... He holds his hand to his forehead in pain and sits down. Morgan: Ohhh! Buffy: Morgan, are you okay? Sid: Look, sweetheart! He answered your question. Now leave him alone! Morgan's pain has subsided, and he looks up at Buffy. Buffy: Okay, Morgan, how 'bout talking to me yourself now? Sid: He said all he's gonna say. Morgan looks nervously between Buffy and Sid. He gets up. Morgan: It's okay, Sid. We're done. (puts Sid in his case) Buffy: I'm sorry. Look, I didn't mean to make you mad. Morgan: No! I'm... (quietly) It's him! (indicates Sid) He's... (closes the case) We have to go. (grabs the case and leaves) Buffy: (taken aback) Cute couple. Cut to the library. Willow, Buffy and Xander come in. Xander: Okay, next time we split up someone else is on Cordy detail. Five more minutes with her and we woulda had another organ donor. Willow: I think I had a bit more luck. Everyone I talked to seemed to point their fingers at the same person. They all come into Giles' office. Buffy: Morgan? Willow: Morgan. Xander: We have a winner! Giles: I fear I was led to the same conclusion. Xander: Well, what do we do? We don't slay him, right? We wanna bring him to justice. Willow: We could set up a complex sting operation where we get him to confess! Xander: Uh, I should wear a wire! Buffy: Whoa, hey, you guys, all we know is that Morgan is a grade A large weirdo. That doesn't lead directly to m*rder. Xander: Guy talks to his puppet! Willow: And for his puppet. Buffy: Well, yeah, but what about the whole 'it's a demon' theory? Giles: I'm looking into that, but, uh, my investigation is somewhat... hampered by our life in the theater. Buffy: Uh, priority check, Giles? (weighs the two with her hands) Talent show, m*rder. Xander: Yeah, we can't do the talent show, it's unthinkable. I'm not able to think it! Giles: Principal Snyder is watching us all very closely. Now, if he chooses, he can make all our lives extremely difficult. A Slayer cannot afford that! We will find this m*rder, but in the meantime... the show must go on. Buffy: This is so unfair. Giles: Buffy, you, uh, watch Morgan. Check his locker, see if there's anything there. Willow: Like a heart? Giles: Or something. Buffy: Alright. Willow: I'll pull up his locker number. (goes to the PC) Xander: Can I still wear a wire? Cut to the hall after school. Buffy quietly comes through the doors from the stairwell, looking around to see if anyone's there. She passes a door. It opens, but Buffy doesn't see it, only hears the sound. Cut to a sh*t of her through the door from low to the floor. She twists around to look behind her toward the sound, but doesn't realize it was the door that's now ajar. She goes back to looking for Morgan's locker and finds it. She starts to work the combination. Buffy: Okay... Two to the left, three to the right... She looks in both directions again, and then slams her palm into the lock. When she takes her hand away there's a clean hole. She reaches in with her fingers and undoes the latch. She looks around in the locker, and is about to take Sid's case out when Principal Snyder grabs her hand from behind, startling her. Buffy: Principal Snyder! Snyder: What are you doing? Buffy: Uh, looking for something. Snyder: School hours are over. You, therefore, should be gone. Buffy: And I'm going any minute now. (laughs nervously) Snyder: There are things I will not tolerate: students loitering on campus after school, horrible m*rder with hearts being removed. And also smoking. Buffy: Well, I don't do any of those things. Not... ever. Snyder: (suspicious) There's something going on with you. I'll figure it out sooner or later. (Buffy smiles) Do you need something here? Buffy: Oh! (looks into the locker) Yeah! Right! Um, a friend wanted me to get something... out of his case! She pulls the case partially out of the locker, opens it and is surprised to find it empty. She quickly closes it and looks at Snyder. Buffy: He must've taken it and just forgotten to tell me. Snyder: Mm-hmm. Morgan and Sid see what's going on from behind the door. Snyder: Get along home now. It's late. He turns and heads down the hall. Buffy watches him go. Cut to the stage. Sid is in the chair. Morgan paces. Morgan: No, I can't do it! Sid: It's the only way. Morgan: I don't want... Sid: She's the one. Morgan: But... Sid: You saw what she did, how strong she is. Morgan: I know, but... Sid: She's the last! Just this one more, and I'll be free. Morgan: I won't. Sid: I will! Cut to Buffy's room at home. Her mom knocks on the door and comes in. Joyce: Hi, hon. How's it, uh, going with the talent show? Buffy: It'll be over soon. Joyce: (lets out a laugh) It can't be that bad! I, for one, am looking forward to seeing your act. Buffy: Seeing? I-in the sense of actually attending? Joyce: Of course! Buffy: Uh-uh! No, Mom, y-y-you can't! And, I mean, if I know you're out there watching, I'll freeze up, stage fright. Joyce: But I wanna support what you're doing! Buffy: Look, Mom, if you really love me, and wanna show your support, you'll stay away. Far away. Joyce: Honey, is there, uh... Is there something bothering you? I-I mean, besides your fabulous debut. Buffy: Nothing. There's just a lot going on right now. Joyce: Well. Get some sleep. You'll feel better in the morning. Buffy: Good plan. Joyce leaves the room and closes the door behind her. Buffy gets into bed. The camera follows her hand as she reaches over to turn off her lamp in front of the window. When it goes out Sid is there looking in. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ Buffy's room. She's sleeping. She wakes to the sound of quick, light footsteps and sits up. More footsteps. She sees something go under her bed and leans over the edge to look underneath. Nothing. She comes back up and sees Sid there, screams, and knocks him off of the bed. Sid runs away. Buffy quickly gets out of bed as her mother rushes into the room and turns on the light. Joyce: Honey, what is it? Buffy: (comes over to her mom, frightened) In the bed, in the covers there's something! Joyce: Where? They go to the bed to investigate. Buffy: There's something there. Joyce grabs the covers and goes through them. Joyce: Well, well, there, there's nothing there now. Are, are you sure you didn't have a nightmare? Buffy: No! There's some... There is... (exhales and puts her hands on her head) Yeah... You're probably right. (exhales and drops her hands) I'm sorry I got you up. Joyce: Don't worry about it. I was dreaming about bills. (kisses Buffy's forehead) Sweetheart, you shouldn't (points) go to sleep with the window open. She touches her daughter's cheek, then leaves the room. Buffy looks at her window. Buffy: (confused) I didn't. Cut to Sunnydale High School. Marc: And my lovely assistant steps into the box... Cut to the stage in the auditorium. Marc's assistant steps into the box. He closes the door and turns it around. Marc: And... behold! He opens the box, but his assistant is still there. Marc: You were supposed to leave! Xander and Willow are in the seats watching and laughing. Marc closes the door to the box and butts his head against it. Giles comes out from backstage with Cordelia close behind. Cordelia: I don't understand why I... why I have to follow Brett and his stupid band. Giles: Because we have to clear their equipment before the finale. I told you. Cordelia: But the mood! It'll be all wrong! (gets in front of him and stops him) My song is about dignity and human feelings and personal... hygiene or something. Anyway, it's sappy, and no one is gonna be feeling sappy after all that Rock and Roll. Giles doesn't want to hear it. He gives Cordelia a look like something's wrong. Cordelia: Uhhh, what? Giles: Oh! I'm sorry. Um, your hair, uh... Cordelia: There's something wrong with my hair? (pulls it behind her ears) Giles remains silent, but continues to stare. Cordelia: Ohmigod! (quickly leaves) Giles: (to himself) Xander was right. It worked like a charm. He sees Buffy come down the aisle and goes over to her. Giles: Hello. You look a bit worse for, uh... Buffy heads into the seats to Willow and Xander. Giles follows. Giles: What exactly are you the worse for? Buffy: Where's Morgan? (sits) Giles: Uh, I, I... haven't seen him. Xander: Did he do something to you? Buffy: No, it was his... Sid, the dummy. She suddenly has Giles' full attention. Buffy: Okay, everyone look at me like I'm in a bunny suit, 'cause that's how stupid I feel saying this... I think Sid was in my room last night. Willow: With Morgan? Buffy: No. He was alone. And alive. Xander: Did you see him? Buffy: Well, I saw something. I-it ran across my floor, under my bed and then it att*cked me. Giles: att*cked you? How? Buffy: It was like it pounced on my face. Xander: Like a cat. Buffy: Yeah, exactly! But when I turned the lights on it was already gone. I-I think it went out my window. Xander: Like a cat. Buffy: Yeah! No! It was Sid, the dummy. Giles: Or possibly the nightmare of somebody who had... dummies on her mind. Willow: You did say they creep you out. Buffy: Excuse me? Can I have a *little* support here, please? I'm not just some crazy person, I'm the Slayer. Xander: The dummy Slayer? (gets a look from Buffy) There's nothing funny about that. Willow: Well, on the side of the 'Morgan's just crazy' theory there is, (sees Morgan go by carrying Sid) well, Morgan. Morgan opens Sid's case. Buffy: I'd like to see Morgan without his better half for a few minutes. Bet he could tell me something. Morgan sits down with Sid on his lap. Giles: Oh, uh, i-if it's any consolation, I... I may have found a possible demon culprit. (holds up a book) The-there's a reference in here to a brotherhood of seven demons who take, uh, the form of young humans. Every seven years these demons need human organs, a-a-a brain and a heart, to maintain their humanity. Otherwise they, they, they revert back to their original form, which is, uh, uh, slightly less appealing. He hands Xander the book open to a sketch of one of the demons. Willow: So Morgan could still be the guy, only demon Morgan instead of crazy Morgan. Morgan fusses with Sid's shoes. Giles: It's said that these demons are, are, are preternaturally strong, and, and, and... Morgan is, is... Well, he seems to be getting weaker every day. Morgan puts his hand on his head. Buffy observes him. Cut to history class. Mrs. Jackson lectures as she walks around the room. Mrs. Jackson: It was as a result of this that President Monroe put forth the eponymous, meaning named after one's self, Monroe Doctrine, which in one sense established the U.S. as a local peacekeeper. She walks behind Buffy, who is intently watching Sid. Sid turns his head back to look at her and lowers his brows. Buffy is creeped out and looks down at her desk. A moment later she looks back up at him. Sid just stares back. Cordelia notices and leans over to comment. Cordelia: Looks like someone digs you. That's adorable. You and the dummy could tour in the freak show! She smiles smugly as she leans back into her chair. Buffy says nothing. She just looks back at Sid, then down at her desk again. Mrs. Jackson: Okay, who can tell me how Spain responded to this policy? Sid is whispering to Morgan. Mrs. Jackson notices. Mrs. Jackson: Morgan? Morgan? Morgan: (looks at Sid, then up) What? Sid: Morgan has other things on his mind. The students laugh. Mrs. Jackson approaches Morgan. Mrs. Jackson: Give me your puppet. Morgan: I'll put him away. Mrs. Jackson: (takes Sid) You'll get it back after school. She opens a cupboard, puts Sid in and closes it. Mrs. Jackson: Okay, then. In the first part of the nineteenth century... Sid: (from inside the cupboard) I'm still watchin' you. Buffy looks at the cupboard. Mrs. Jackson: Morgan, that is enough! Xander and Buffy look at Morgan. He looks back at Buffy, then at Mrs. Jackson. Cut to after school. Morgan comes back into the classroom to retrieve Sid. Morgan: Mrs. Jackson. Mrs. Jackson: Morgan. Morgan: You said you'd give me... Mrs. Jackson: Oh, of course. She gets up and goes over to the cupboard. Morgan follows her expectantly. Before she gets Sid out she stops and faces Morgan. Mrs. Jackson: Y'know, I wanted to ask you, is everything okay? At home, here at school? Morgan: Yeah, it's great. Mrs. Jackson: I feel like you've become... a little detached. Morgan: Mm! (rubs his head in pain) Mrs. Jackson: You're one of the brightest kids I've seen in a long time, but lately it seems like you're not all there. Morgan has both his hands on his head now, rubbing. Mrs. Jackson: Try not to let other things get in the way. Morgan: (takes his hands down) Okay! Can I get Sid now? Mrs. Jackson: Sure. She goes over to the cupboard and opens it, but Sid is gone. She turns back to Morgan. Mrs. Jackson: It's gone! Morgan: Gone? Whadaya mean, gone? Where could he have gone? Mrs. Jackson: I put it right here. Morgan: He knew to wait for me. He knew I'd be back. Mrs. Jackson: What do you mean 'he'? Morgan: What did you do with him? Where is he? Cut to the library. Xander has Sid and is playing with him. Buffy, Willow and Giles come in. Willow and Giles have their arms full of costumes. Buffy sees Xander holding Sid. Buffy: Where did you get that? Xander: Oh, I, uh, took it out of Mrs. Jackson's cupboard. I thought you said you wanted to be able to speak to Morgan alone, and uh... well, Morgan's alone, and, uh... Sid's with me. Buffy stares at Sid uncomfortably. Xander: (manipulating Sid) Hi, Buffy! Hi, Willow! Would you like to hear some off-color jokes? Buffy: I really don't think you should be doing that. Xander: What? C'mon... (as Sid) I'm not real! Buffy: (wigged) Xander, quit it! She turns and walks a few steps away. She stops and looks back when she hears Xander pounding Sid's head into the table. Xander: He's... not... real! (picks Sid back up) I think our demonstration proves that, uh, Sid (knocks on Sid's head several times) is wood. Now, why don't you go and find Morgan and prove he's... whatever he is? Giles: I imagine he's looking for his puppet. Buffy: I'll go find Morgan. (starts to leave, but stops and gives Xander a look) You watch the dummy. Xander: (as Sid) Bye-bye, now. I'm completely inanimate. Buffy gives Xander another look and goes out the door. Xander: (as Sid) Redrum! Redruuum! Willow: What do we do with him? Xander: Eh, I'll keep him company. Giles: Willow, we have some hunting of our own to do. Willow: Once again I'm banished to the demon section of the card catalog. Xander looks at Sid and goes over to the table with him. Giles and Willow go up into the stacks. Giles: You concentrate on re-animation theory. I'll peck about in organ harvesting. Unless, of course, you prefer... Willow: That's okay, you can have the organs. Xander puts Sid in the chair at the end of the table. Xander: So, I guess it's just... you and me, huh? (turns Sid's head away and pats him) That looks more comfortable. He leaves Sid there, and the camera closes in on him. Buffy: Morgan? Cut to the auditorium. Buffy walks along the front and then up the stairs to the stage. Buffy: Morgan? Cut backstage. Buffy draws a curtain aside, but no one's there. She takes the steps down to the makeup area and tries a door. It's locked. She hears another door close and turns toward the sound. A gust blows through another curtain. Slowly she walks toward it. She quickly turns her head when she senses something behind her, and sees Principal Snyder at the top of the steps to the stage. Buffy: Principal Snyder! Snyder: Looking for something? Buffy: Have you seen Morgan Shay? Snyder: (comes down the steps) You know, with everything that's been going on recently, I'm not sure how safe it is for a girl like yourself to be here... alone. Buffy: Well, I was just leaving. And I know how to take care of myself. They stare at each other a moment. Snyder: Alright, then. He goes back up the stairs and leaves. Cut to the library. Xander looks over at Sid in his chair, then turns back to his homework. Cut to the stacks. Willow: (to Giles) Look what I found in the section on toys and magic: (reads) 'On rare occasions inanimate objects of human quality, such as dolls and mannequins, already mystically possessed of consciousness, have acted upon their desire to become human by harvesting organs.' Giles: Emily's heart. Willow: Morgan's dummy. Giles: Mm. Cut to Xander. He gets up to get a reference book. When he gets back to the table Sid is gone, but Xander doesn't notice. He slams the book on the table, sits down again and begins to read. After a moment he glances at Sid's chair and jumps up frightened when he sees it empty. Xander: Whoa! He climbs onto the table. Giles and Willow come running out of the stacks. Giles: What is it? Xander: He's gone! (indicates the chair) Sid's gone! Giles: What? Oh! Willow: Uhhh! They're both frightened and look around themselves. Cut backstage. Buffy continues to look around. She hears some creaking. Buffy: Morgan? She backtracks a bit and goes toward the noise. She pushes some clothes on a rack aside, but sees nothing. She continues and eventually stumbles on something. She looks down and sees Morgan's body lying there. Buffy: (whispers) Morgan! (slowly backs away) Demon's got himself a brain. She keeps backing through a bead curtain and hears a snapping noise above. She looks up and sees a wrought iron chandelier falling on her. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ Backstage. Buffy is unconscious under the chandelier. She wakes and moans. Her vision is a bit blurred. She hears quick little footsteps and immediately becomes alert. She sees Sid run across the catwalk above her. She tries to lift the chandelier off of herself, but it's very heavy. Sid has come down now, and Buffy sees him in the shadows. Buffy: Who's ever out there, I'm gonna hurt you! Badly! If you'll just gimme a minute... She tries lifting again, but to no avail. She looks back to where she saw Sid and sees his Kn*fe poised above her. She turns her head just in time to avoid being s*ab in the face. Sid lifts the Kn*fe and tries again, but misses. Buffy flails out with her left arm and knocks him away. She tries lifting again, and this time she shifts the chandelier enough to get out from underneath it. Sid att*cks her from behind as she slides out, but she knocks him away and into a wall. His Kn*fe goes sliding across the floor. Buffy gets out and jumps over on top of Sid, pinning him against the wall with her arm. Sid: You win. Now you can take your heart and your brain and move on. Buffy: I'm sure they would have made great trophies for your case. Sid: That woulda been justice. Buffy: Yeah, except for one thing: you lost, and now you'll never be human. Sid: Yeah, well, neither will you. They are both confused. Buffy and Sid: What? Cut to the library. Giles and Xander stare at Sid in wide-eyed and open- mouthed amazement. Willow and Buffy just stare and listen. Sid: This is what I do. I hunt demons. Yeah, you wouldn't know it to look at me. Let's just say there was me, there was a really mean demon, there was a curse, and the next thing I know I'm not me anymore. I'm sitting on some guy's knee, with his hand up my shirt. Willow: And ever since then you've been a living dummy? Sid: The kid here was right all along. I shoulda picked you to team up with. But I didn't because... Buffy: Because you thought *I* was the demon. Sid: Who can blame me for thinking? Look at you! You're strong, athletic, limber... (goes off into his own world) nubile... (shakes his head) I'm back! In any case, now that this demon's got the heart and brain, he gets to keep the human form he's in for another seven years. The tea kettle is whistling. Giles gets up to tend to it. Giles: I must say, it's a welcome change to have someone else explain all these things. Sid: There were seven of these guys. I've k*lled six. If I can get the last one, the curse will be lifted and I'll be free. I'm sure it's someone in that stupid talent show. Buffy: Yeah, but now that demon has what he wants. He'll be moving on. Sid: So, once we know who's missing from the show... Buffy: We'll know who our demon is! Giles: (remembering) The show! Buffy: What? Giles: It's gonna start! I'm supposed to be there! Buffy: (to Willow) Okay, um, start pulling everyone's addresses in the talent show. I-if they're not there, maybe we can catch them at home. Sid: (to Giles) And you, get 'em all on stage, form the power circle. Then we can see who's a no-show. Giles: Um, uh, the what? Sid: The power circle. You get everyone together, you get 'em, you know, revved up. Giles: Right. (still confused, but goes) Sid: How'd *he* ever get that gig? Cut backstage. Giles: Fifteen minutes to curtain, everyone! Uh, fifteen minutes! He turns to go back out. Cordelia chases him down. Cordelia: I, I can't go out there. All those people staring at me and judging me like I'm some kind of... Buffy! What if I mess up? Giles: Cordelia, there, uh, there-there's, uh, uh, an adage, uh, that, uh, if you're feeling nervous then, uh, you should imagine the entire audience are in their underwear. Cordelia: Eww! Even Mrs. Franklin? Uhhh! Giles: Perhaps not. Cordelia: Yeah. Giles: (to everyone) Um, alright, um, we'll assemble on the stage in five minutes for the, um, uh, power thing. Cut to the catwalk. Sid and Buffy are sitting and waiting to see who's missing from the circle. Sid: So, what's your deal, kid? I don't figure you for a demon hunter. Buffy: I'm a Vampire Slayer. Sid: (surprised) You?! You're the Slayer? (Buffy nods) Damn! I knew a Slayer in the 30's. Korean chick. Very hot. We're talking *muscle* tone. Man, we had some times. (gets a look from Buffy) Hey, that was pre- dummy, alright? Now, I was a guy! Buffy: So, you k*ll the demon and the curse is lifted, right? Sid: That's the drill. Buffy: You don't actually turn into a prince, do you? I-I mean, your body... Sid: Is dust and bones. When I say free... Buffy: You mean d*ad. Sid: Don't get sniffly on me, sis. I've lived a lot longer than most demon hunters. Or Slayers, for that matter. Buffy looks down, depressed about her lot in life. Sid: (puts his hand on her knee) Of course, if you want to snuggle up and comfort me... Buffy: (takes his hand off of her knee) So, that horny dummy thing really *isn't* an act, is it? Sid: Nope! Buffy: Yuk! Sid and Buffy look down onto the stage. Giles: I-is everybody here? The talent gathers on the stage. Sid: Okay, here comes our line-up. Giles: Quickly, everyone! Uh... um, power circle. The students arrange themselves in a circle and hold hands. Sid and Buffy scan the group for any missing members. Giles looks around as well. The camera follows his gaze. Giles: Well, that's that, then. Um, everybody, uh, get ready! Some of the students don't get it, but the circle breaks up quickly as they scramble to get ready. Giles scratches his head, confused. Buffy bends down and slips underneath the catwalk railing. Buffy: (to Sid) Hold on. She drops to the stage below. Sid watches her fall. She lands squarely on her feet and goes over to Giles. Giles: No one's missing. Buffy: So the demon isn't in the show. Giles: It seems not. Uh, tell the others. Look, it's nearly curtain. I must get the show rolling. Buffy: Right. Giles: Right. She looks for Sid up on the catwalk, but he's gone. Buffy: Sid? Cut to Principal Snyder nosing around backstage. Giles sees him, and Snyder faces him. Giles isn't sure why he's there. Snyder puts his fist into his palm and walks away. Giles follows him. Cut to Buffy, still looking for Sid. Buffy: Sid? She stops next to a workbench. Something drips onto her arm from above. She shakes it off and looks up. She reaches up to a shelf to see what's dripping, and Morgan's brain falls down and into her hands. She lets out a startled yelp and drops the brain. It jiggles when it hits the floor. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Willow is at the PC. Buffy walks up to her staring at her hands. Buffy: I'm never gonna stop washing my hands. Xander: So, the dummy tells us that he's a demon hunter. And we're, like, fine, la la la la. He takes off, and now there's a brain. Does anybody else feel like they've been Keyser Soze'd? Buffy: Sid's on the level, I'm sure of it. But why would the demon have rejected the brain? I-I mean, I thought Morgan was the smartest kid in school. Willow: He was, look at his grades: all A's. He was even taking college classes. Wait a second. Buffy: What? Willow: All these sick days. Xander: He was off for, like, half the year! Buffy: Check the school nurse's file. Willow: (types) Look at this! 'In case of emergency, contact Dr. Dale Leggett, California Institute of Neurosurgery, Cancer Ward.' Xander: Brain cancer? Willow: That's why he had all the headaches. Buffy: This means that whatever's out there still needs a healthy, intelligent brain. Xander: In other words, I'm safe! (smiles) Buffy: And it's gonna be looking for the smartest person around. She and Xander look at Willow. She looks back and forth between them. Willow: What? Cut backstage. Giles is helping Marc set up, and has a pair of weights in his hands. Giles: Yes, if you, you calibrated the units of weight then you could calculate the, uh, specific maximum velocity achieved before the point of impact. Marc: Gee, Mr. Giles, you're really... smart! Could you do me a favor? Cut to the library. Willow: What could a demon possibly want from me? Xander: What's the square root of 841? Willow: 29. Oh, yeah. Buffy: Don't worry, Willow. As long as you're with us there's absolutely no way that demon is gonna get what he wants. Cut backstage. Marc tests his guillotine on a honeydew melon. Giles picks up a half melon. Giles: Oh, my! Marc: Pretty cool, huh? Giles: Are you sure there's no one else who could help you out? Marc: My assistant got sick. You won't have to say anything. I'll, I'll show you. Lie down. Giles: (inspects the guillotine) Uh, uh, how, how exactly does it work? Marc pulls the blade back up by its rope and ties it down. Marc: A good magician never tells his secrets. He sees his hand and arm begin to revert to demon form, and shakes his sleeve to get it to cover up better. Marc: C'mon. We haven't got much time. Cut to the library. Buffy is pacing nervously. Buffy: This is ridiculous. We can't just sit here and wait for him to come to us. We have to figure out who we're dealing with. Xander: I still vote dummy. Buffy: No. Okay, so we ruled out all the people in the talent show... Willow: That's because they were all there. But that's before we found the brain. Buffy: Right. So it probably *is* one of them. And, and Giles doesn't know! He's with them all right now! Xander: Uch! Giles can handle himself. I mean, he *is* really... (clicks in his mind) smart! Cut to the hall outside the library. Buffy slams the door open and runs out and down the hall. Buffy: GILES! Xander and Willow are hot on her trail. Cut backstage. Giles is strapped down to the guillotine bench. Giles: Sh-sh-shouldn't it be aimed at my neck? Marc: No. No, this way your scalp gets sliced off and your brains just... come pouring out. He slides the head restraint down onto Giles' forehead. He reaches over and locks it down with a padlock. Giles: What exactly is the trick? Marc: Trick? (pulls the chest restraint tighter) Giles: Marc? Marc goes over to the block where the rope holding the guillotine blade is tied down. He grabs his hatchet and takes a swing at the rope. Giles is terrified. Marc takes another swing. The rope is half cut now. Giles: M-Marc? A third swing, and the rope is almost cut through. The blade slips a bit. Giles looks up at it in terror. Another swing, and the rope hangs by a thread. Marc raises the hatchet for the final cut. Buffy lunges at him and tackles him to the floor. She leg sweeps Marc, kicking his legs out from under him as he tries to get up. She stands up and adopts a fighting stance. As Marc tries to get up again, she throws an inverted crescent kick to his face, and he goes down again. Marc growls as he starts to get up, and Buffy sees that the skin on his face is beginning to turn back into its demon state. Buffy: Ewww! Marc takes advantage of her distraction and jumps up and punches her, then follows up with a backhand fist to her face. She spins around and falls to the floor. The rope stretches and snaps, and the blade begins to fall. Giles yells out and clamps his eyes shut. At the last instant Xander grabs the rope from midair and stops the blade. Giles hears it stop and opens his eyes. He sees it go back up as Xander pulls on the rope. Buffy gets up, but is punched by the demon and falls again. Willow goes to Giles and begins to undo the restraints. Willow: Where are the keys? Giles: Marc's got it! Xander: Willow! He kicks the hatchet over to her. She picks it up and begins to hack at the lock. Giles: Hurry! Buffy gets up again and runs over to Marc. She grabs him and falls backward, pulling him down with her and flipping him over onto his back. She flips up to her feet and turns to face him in a front stance. When he gets up she punches him in the face and kicks him in the stomach with a hopping front snap kick. He staggers backward and stumbles into his disappearing-act box, and the door closes on him. Willow keeps hacking at the lock on the guillotine. Buffy: How do you lock this thing? That wouldn't have made any difference because Marc just punches through the box and reaches for her. She quickly backs away as he kicks and shoves his way out of the box. He has completely reverted to his demon form now. He comes at her, grabs her by the neck, and lifts her from the floor. Giles: (yells) What's happening? Willow keeps hacking. The demon slams Buffy up against a wall with his hand around her throat. He pulls her away and slams her into the wall again. Xander can only watch as he holds on to the rope. Willow gets the lock to break and quickly pulls it off. She and Giles push the head restraint up, and he gets out as fast as he can. He reaches down to undo the restraint at his feet. Sid finally shows up, jumps onto the demon's back and begins s*ab with his Kn*fe. Sid: I found you! The demon ignores Sid and continues slamming Buffy into the wall. Giles gets himself loose. Sid has forced the demon to let go of Buffy and has jumped off. She hits the demon in the face with an open hand punch followed by a backhand punch. Giles gets off of the bench as Buffy does a full spinning side kick to the demon's gut, making him stagger back onto the bench and land with his neck in the guillotine. Buffy: (to Xander) Let go! Xander lets go, and the blade falls, chopping off the demon's head. Its body slumps lifeless on the bench. Willow cringes at the sight. They all stare at what's left of the demon. Giles: Uh... I must say, all of you... Your t-timing is impeccable. Sid: And now for the big finish. He has positioned himself over the demon's chest with his Kn*fe. Buffy: What are you doing? Sid: It's not enough. He'll come back. You have to get the heart. Then all of this'll be over. She holds out her hand for the Kn*fe. Buffy: Let me. Sid: I got it. Thanks. He wields back with the Kn*fe and plunges it into the demon's heart. He pulls back to do it again, but his aim was true the first time, and he just slumps over onto the demon with the Kn*fe still in his hands, now a lifeless puppet. Buffy looks at Sid sadly and lets out a deep breath. Giles takes off his glasses. Buffy gently lifts Sid from the demon and holds him in her arms. She starts to walk off stage.

{"type": "series", "show": "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "episode": "01x09 - The Puppet Show"}

foreverdreaming

In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. The Master's lair. The camera pans through the chamber and over to the entrance, where Buffy is quietly making her way in, stake in hand. She stops and takes a look around. Slowly she makes her way down to the floor below. She raises the stake to be ready. The camera moves behind a pillar where the Master is hiding. Buffy continues into the lair. She spins around and raises the stake when she senses the Master behind her. He hisses loudly. Buffy freezes with fear and drops the stake. She slowly retreats as the Master advances on her. When she can't retreat any further she watches as the Master reaches out with his hand and clasps it around her neck. She looks up at him as he closes in for the bite. Buffy: NO! NO! Cut to her room. She's having a nightmare. Her mother is sitting on the edge of her bed trying to shake her awake. Buffy: No... Joyce: Yes. Buffy wakes suddenly with her eyes open wide. Joyce: It's time to get up for school. Buffy: Mom? Joyce: Are you alright? Buffy: No. Uh, yeah! Yeah! I'm, I'm fine! Oh... (sits up) School! Great. (gets out of bed) Joyce: You wanna go to school? (stands up) Buffy: Sure! Why not? Joyce: Okay. (opens the blinds) Good day to buy that lottery ticket. I spoke with your father. Buffy: He's coming, right? Joyce: You're on for this weekend. Buffy: Good. Cut to Sunnydale High. Willow: So, do you see your dad a lot? Buffy: Not a whole lot. Cut to the halls. Willow and Buffy walk as they talk. Buffy: He's still in L.A. He, like, comes down for weekends sometimes. Willow: When did they get divorced? Buffy: Well, it wasn't finalized till last year, but they were separated before that. Willow: Musta been harsh. They reach Buffy's locker. Buffy: Yeah, that's the word you're looking for. (works the combination) I-I mean, they were really good about it around me, anyway, but still... Willow: My parents don't even bicker. Sometimes they glare. Do you know why your folks split up? Buffy: (opens her locker) I didn't ask. They just stopped getting along. I'm sure I was a really big help, though, with all the slaying and everything. I was in so much trouble. I was a big mess. Willow: Well, I'm sure that didn't have anything to do with him leaving. Buffy: No. (closes her locker) Willow: And he still comes down on weekends. Buffy: Sometimes. Cut to class. Cordelia is checking her makeup in her mirror. Wendell comes over and stops to look at his paper in the light. Cordelia: Hello? Doofus! (Wendell looks at her) You're in my light. Xander: Wendell, what is wrong with you? Don't you know that she is the center of the universe, and the rest of us merely revolve around her? Cordelia: Why don't you revolve yourselves out of my light? The bell rings. Wendell and Xander go to their seats. Willow and Buffy come in. Xander: (to the girls) Uh, Wendell was in Cordelia's light. Wendell: I'm so ashamed. Willow: Why is she so Evita-like? Buffy: I think it's the hair. Willow: (smiles) It weighs heavy on the cerebral cortex. Xander: Hey, guys, was there any homework? Willow: We're doing active listening today. Xander: Cool! What's active listening? Willow: That would be the homework. (they sit) Buffy: Chapter five? Active listening? (shows her book) Where you put on your big ears and really focus on the other person? Wendell: Ms. Tishler demonstrated it yesterday. Willow: With you! Buffy: She was wearing that tight sweater? Xander: Oh, the midnight blue angora! See, I was listening. Willow gives him a look. Ms. Tishler: Alright, take your seats. In a moment we will choose partners and practice what we read about in chapter five. Xander cups his ears with his hands while smiling and shaking his head around. Ms. Tishler: Good, Xander, that's the spirit! Willow and Buffy give each other amused looks. Ms. Tishler: Before we do, let's review. Isaacson's research led him to conclude that one of our most fundamental needs after food and shelter is to be heard. Buffy drops her pencil and bends down to pick it up. Ms. Tishler: Wendell, would you read the first two paragraphs on page seventy-eight... As Buffy sits back up she sees Billy, a young boy, standing at the door looking in at her. Ms. Tishler: ...where Isaacson describes the rapid improvement active listening brought to some special needs clients. Wendell opens his book. He screams and drops it on his desk when there are suddenly a bunch of tarantulas crawling out of it. Ms. Tishler and the students closest to him scream and quickly get out of their chairs and away from him. The tarantulas crawl all over Wendell. Wendell: Please! Get 'em off of me! Help! Help! Get 'em off of me! Help me! Oh, please help me! Please! Billy: Sorry about that. Wendell: Please help me! Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ The Master's lair. Collin is sitting, listening to the Master. Master: Fear is a wonderful thing. It is *the* most powerful force in the human world. (crouches to face Collin) Not love, not hate... Fear! When you were a mortal boy, what did you fear? Collin: Monsters. Master: Ooo. (gets up) We are *defined* by the things we fear. (goes to the large cross) This symbol, these two planks of wood, it confounds me. Suffuses me with mortal dread. But fear is in the mind. (puts his hand on the cross and holds on while it burns) Like pain. It can be controlled. (lets go) If I can face my fear, it cannot master me. (looks up) Something is happening above. Something new, powerful, psychic force. Do you feel it? Collin: I feel change. Master: Change. Yes. For the worse. The camera pans up above the cross and through the ground to the school. Joyce arrives to drop Buffy off. Joyce: You're awfully quiet this morning. Buffy: I didn't sleep well. Joyce: I'll say. I came in to check on you twice. You were yelling in your sleep. Do you know what you were dreaming? Buffy: (shakes her head) Not really. Oh, no, my bag! I-I packed it for the weekend and I forgot it! Joyce: You and your dad can swing by the house and get your bag. It's not an international crisis. Buffy: Okay. Yeah, I just, uh, had meant to bring it. H-he's picking me up here, right? A-at 3:30? Joyce: Honey, a-are you worried your father isn't gonna show? Buffy: No! N-not really. Should I be? Joyce: Well, of course, not! I-I-I just, I-I know it's a hard situation. You just have to remember that your father adores you. No more than I do, by the way. Buffy: (smiles) Goodbye. Joyce: Have a great day. Buffy: Thanks. (gets out) Cut to the halls. Buffy comes around the corner and is met by Willow and Xander. Willow: Oh, Buffy, we've been looking for you. Xander: We have? Willow: Oh, about the spiders, did you talk to Giles about... Xander: Oh, the spiders! Willow's been kind of, um, what's the word I'm looking for? Insane about what happened yesterday. Willow: I don't like spiders, okay? Their furry bodies, and their sticky webs, and what do they need all those legs for anyway? I'll tell you: for crawling across your face in the middle of the night. Ewww! How do they not ruffle you? Xander: I'm sorry! I'm unruffled by spiders. Now, if a bunch of n*zi crawled all over my face... Buffy: Mm, it was pretty intense. Willow: Thank you. Xander: Well, the Hellmouth, the center of mystical convergence, supernatural monsters: been there. Buffy: Little blase' there, aren't you? Xander: I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party! Buffy: Thanks for having confidence in me. They enter the library. Cut inside. Xander: You da man, Buff! Willow: Okay, but we're still caring about the spiders here. Let's not forget the spiders. Buffy: Well, Giles said he was gonna look it up. Giles? Willow: Maybe he's in the faculty room. Giles comes out of the stacks and looks around bewildered. Buffy: Hey, Giles! Wakey, wakey! Giles: I was, uh, in the stacks. I got lost. Xander: Did you find any theories on spiders coming out of books? He reaches around Willow's shoulder with his arm while wiggling his fingers. Xander: Big, hairy, crawly... Willow is startled. She twists around and hits Xander. Xander: (to Willow) It's funny if you're me. Giles: (mildly confused) I couldn't find anything, uh... particularly illuminating. Um, I think perhaps you'd best have a chat with Wendell himself. Buffy: Okay. If he can still talk. She gives Giles an odd look. They start out of the library. Giles looks back into the stacks, still confused. Cut outside. Wendell is sitting on a bench. The team approaches him. Buffy: Hey, Wendell. How are you? Wendell: (looks up) Huh? Buffy: You okay? Xander: Good talking to ya, man. He pats Wendell on the back and starts to leave, but Buffy pulls him back. Wendell: Do you guys want something? Buffy: We just thought you might wanna talk about what happened. Willow: You know, yesterday? With the spiders? Wendell: I don't know what to say about that. Xander: There's nothing *to* say. You saw two hundred insects, you Gonzoed, anybody would have. Wendell: They're not insects. They're arachnids. Xander: They're from the Middle East? Wendell: Spiders are arachnids. They have eight legs. Insects only have six. Why does everyone make that mistake? Buffy: Don't know. Has anything like this ever happened before? Wendell nods his head 'yes'. Buffy: When? Wendell: Lots of times. Willow: Ew! You must hate spiders more than I do. Wendell: (smiles and laughs) I don't hate spiders. I love 'em. They hate me. Cordelia walks by behind Wendell and turns to Buffy. Cordelia: I hope you studied for the history test. Buffy: What history test? Cordelia: The one we're having in fourth period right now. Buffy: There's a history test? Nobody told me there was a history test! I haven't... I... Okay, I will catch up with you guys later. (runs off) Willow: (sits) What do you mean, you love spiders? Xander: It is platonic, right? (chuckles) Wendell: I had the best collection in the tri-county area. Browns and tarantulas and black widows... Then my folks shipped me off to wilderness camp. All my brother had to do was maintain their habitats. Instead he left their heat lamp on for a week. When I came home they were all d*ad. That's when the nightmares started. Willow: The nightmares? Wendell: It's always the same. I'm sitting in the classroom, teacher asks me to read something, I open up my book and then there they are. They're comin' after me. God, can you blame them after what I did? Xander: And that's how it happens? Every time? Wendell: Yesterday in class I thought I'd just nodded off again. But then everyone else started screaming, too. Cut to the hall. Buffy is looking for her history class. Cordelia is waiting by the door, holding it open. Cordelia: You don't know where class is, do you? Buffy: Uh... Cordelia: Hardly a shocker. You've cut history just about every time we've had it. Buffy: Well, I was there the first day. I think. Cordelia: It's in here. Buffy: I haven't been to class, I haven't read any of the assignments, how am I gonna pass this test? Cordelia: Blind luck? Cut into the classroom. Buffy is sitting and looking around at the other students. The teacher walks by. She looks over at Cordelia, who apparently isn't having any problems with the test. Cordelia turns the page, looks back at Buffy and goes back to taking the test. The teacher comes by again and stops to glance at Buffy's work. He continues, apparently satisfied. Buffy flips through the short answer test. All the pages are still blank. She glances up at the clock. 11:20. She looks at the space for her name. Buffy: Well, at least I know my name. She starts to write, but her pencil breaks. She lets out an exasperated breath. She grabs her sharpener and sharpens her pencil. She looks back up at the clock, and it's now 12:10 already. She stares at it in disbelief. She looks around at everyone. The teacher is watching her intently and tapping his pencil. She looks back down at her test and the bell rings. All around her the students get up and begin turning their tests in as she just sits and watches. Billy appears at the door and looks in. Buffy sees him there with a sad look on his face. He walks off down the hall. The classroom is empty now, and Buffy is sitting at her desk alone. Cut to the hall. Billy is walking along and comes upon two girls talking as they come down the stairs. Laura: Well, they both got detention, which is completely unfair since Sean started it. Anyway, it means we can't do the movie. The other girl looks disappointed as they stop in front of the basement door. Laura: I'm gonna take a (makes a smoking gesture) break. Her friend leaves. She looks around to see if anyone's watching, opens the door and goes in. Billy: (to himself) You shouldn't go in there. (shakes his head) Cut inside the basement to a sh*t of the stairs. Laura comes in and closes the door behind her. The basement area is dark. She comes down the steps and looks around. Satisfied that no one's there she puts down her books and gets out her pack of smokes. Cut to a sh*t of her from behind a rack. She has her pack and pulls out a cigarette. The Ugly Man behind the rack watches her as she lights up. He comes into the weak light. His face is badly scarred. Ugly Man: Lucky nineteen! He att*cks Laura. She screams. He begins to whale on her with his huge deformed club arm as she screams and tries to roll out of the way of his blows. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ The hospital. Cut to a hall. Buffy and Giles look for Laura's room. Buffy: I think they said room 3016. Giles: Do you know the girl? Buffy: To say hi to. Laura's nice enough. Nobody saw who att*cked her? Giles: Well, I was rather hoping that Laura did. Cut inside Laura's room. She has cuts and bruises all over. Buffy and Giles come in. She sees them and looks up at Buffy. Buffy: Hey, Laura. Laura: Hi. Giles: I hope we're not intruding, um... He holds out a small potted flower arrangement. Buffy takes it from him and sets it next to the bed. Laura: That's okay. I don't wanna be left alone. Giles: You understand we're anxious to make sure this, this doesn't happen again. Buffy: (sits) Can you tell us what happened? Laura: I was in the basement. I went down for a smoke. There was... someone there. Buffy: Someone you knew? Laura: I've never... seen anything like it. Buffy: (exchanges a look with Giles) It? Giles: Can you describe it? Laura is having trouble talking about it and can't answer. Buffy: Hey, that's okay. Don't worry about it. Giles: Yes, you, you, you just rest now. Buffy: You know, but... Nurse: (comes in) Hi, Laura. Buffy: ...i-if you remember anything? You can tell us. Even if it may seem weird. Nurse: She needs her rest now. Giles and Buffy start to go. Laura: 'Lucky nineteen.' Buffy and Giles stop and turn around. Giles: I'm sorry? Laura: It's what he said, right before... He said 'lucky nineteen'. That's weird, right? Giles: Yes. Yes, it is. Buffy: Feel better. (smiles) Giles: Take care. They leave the room. Cut to the hall. Giles sees her doctor there. Giles: Doctor, is she gonna be alright? Doctor: You family? Buffy: Friends. Doctor: She'll recover. She's got a couple of shattered bones, a little internal bleeding... she got off pretty easy. Buffy: Easy? Giles: Have you looked up the word lately? Doctor: Well, the first one's still in a coma. (stops at another room) Buffy: First what? Doctor: First victim. (looks into the room) They found him a week ago. Exact same M.O. as the girl, only he's in worse shape. If he doesn't wake up soon... Somebody's gotta stop this guy. Buffy: Somebody will. Cut to the school. Punk: Listen, I'm not afraid of him. Cut to the hall. Punk: Hey, if he wants to fight, then I'm takin' him down. I'm not backin' off on this. This is about honor. I'll break his neck! Cut to Willow and Xander coming down the hall to her locker. Willow: I'm just saying, Wendell had a dream and then that exact thing happened. Xander: Which is a fair wiggins, I admit, but do you think that ties in with Laura? Willow: I dunno. Maybe she dreamed about getting b*at up. We should ask Buffy when she gets back from the hospital. The punk's mother suddenly appears in the hall. Xander sees the encounter and grins. Mother: Oh, there's my little baby! Punk: Mom, what are you doing here? Mom... Mother: (laughs and kisses) How's my little pookie? Punk: Mom, mom, please don't kiss me in front of the guys! It's embarrassing, mom! Please! Mother: (laughs) You cute little rascal, you! Punk: Mom... Thanks, but mom, please, my friends are right here... Willow closes her locker. They head to their next class. Xander: It could be a coincidence. Y'know, Wendell finds a spider's nest, and we all wig because he dreamt about spiders. So it may not be connected. They enter the classroom. The students see Xander come in and start to laugh. Xander: If there is a connection it doesn't sound like anything... What? Willow is confused, and looks behind her at Xander. His clothes are gone, and he's standing there in his underwear. Willow: Xander! What happened to your...?! Xander: I-I-I dunno! I was, uh, dressed a minute ago! It's a dream. It's gotta be a dream. (pinches himself) Ow! Wake up. (pinches himself again) Ow! Gotta wake up. He realizes he's not dreaming and runs from the room screaming. Willow chases after him. Cut to the library. Giles is going over a number of newspapers. Giles: This can't be happening. This can't be... Buffy comes into the library. Buffy: What's the word? Giles: Oh, uh, I've got back issues of the, uh, papers, um, to try to do some research. Buffy: Did you find anything? Giles: I don't know. Buffy: You don't know if you didn't find anything. Giles: I'm having a problem. Buffy: What is it? Giles: I-I can't read! Buffy: What do you mean? You can read, like, three languages. Giles: Five, actually, on a normal day. Th-the words here don't make any s-sense. I-it's gibberish! (steps away in frustration) Buffy: (looks at the paper) That's him. Giles: Who? Buffy: The kid I've been seeing around school. (reads) 'Twelve-year-old Billy Palmer was found beaten and unconscious after his kiddie league game Saturday. Doctors describe his condition as critical.' When was this published? (looks at the date) Last week. It says he's in a coma in intensive care. This is the boy from the hospital! Giles: The first victim? Uh... You, you've seen him around the school? Buffy: Yeah, first when the spiders got Wendell, and, and then when I didn't know a thing on the history test. I thought it was weird seeing this kid around, but I forgot about it. Giles: Uh, the boy's been in a coma for a week. How can this be possible? Buffy: What, am I knowledge girl now? Explanations are your terrain. Giles: Uh, well, um, there's astral projection, uh, the theory that while one sleeps one has another body, a-an astral body, which can travel through time and space. Buffy: Billy's in a coma. That's like sleep, right? Giles: In a manner of speaking, a-a-although one doesn't always awake from a coma. Buffy: Could I be seeing Billy's asteroid body? Giles: Astral body, and I-I don't know. As usual, one doesn't have an inordinate amount of information to work with. Buffy: Lucky nineteen. Her father, Hank Summers, enters the library. Hank: There you are! I've been looking everywhere. Why aren't you in class? Buffy: Dad, what are you doing here? Y-you're not supposed to pick me up till after school. Is something wrong? Hank: Well, I, I need to talk to you. Buffy: Something *is* wrong. Is it mom? Hank: No, no, it's not your mother, she's fine. (quieter) Could I speak with you for a moment? Privately? Buffy: Um, sure! Yeah. (looks at Giles) Uh, oh! I'm sorry. Dad, this is Mr. Giles, the librarian. Uh, this is my dad, Hank Summers. Giles: My pleasure. (shakes his hand) Hank: Likewise. Buffy: I'll be back. She and her father leave the library. Giles tries reading the papers again. Cut outside. Buffy and her dad walk as they talk. Hank: I came early because there's something I've needed to tell you. About your mother and me. Why we split up. Buffy: Well, you always told me it was because... Hank: Uh, I know we always said it was because we'd just grown too far apart. Buffy: Yeah, isn't that true? Hank: Well, c'mon, honey, let's, let's sit down. (they sit) (exhales) You're old enough now to know the truth. Buffy: Is there someone else? Hank: No. No, it was nothing like that. Buffy: Then what was it? Hank: It was you. Buffy: Me? Hank: Having you. Raising you. Seeing you everyday. I mean, do you have any idea what that's like? Buffy: What? Hank: Gosh, you don't even see what's right in front of your face, do you? Well, big surprise there, all you ever think about is yourself. You get in trouble. You embarrass us with all the crazy stunts you pull, and do I have to go on? Buffy: No. Please don't. Hank: You're sullen and... rude and... you're not nearly as bright as I thought you were going to be... Hey, Buffy, let's be honest. Could you stand to live in the same house with a daughter like that? Buffy: Why are you saying all these things? (a tear rolls down her cheek) Hank: Because they're true. I think that's the least we owe one another. She begins to sniff and cry. Hank: You know, I don't think it's very mature, getting blubbery when I'm just trying to be honest. Speaking of which, I don't really get anything out of these weekends with you. So, what do you say we just don't do them anymore? She stares at him in shock. He pats her on the leg. Hank: I sure thought you'd turn out differently. He gets up and leaves. Buffy can't do anything but watch him go for a moment, and then look down. He walks past the building, and Billy is there looking at Buffy. She looks up again and sees him. Billy turns and leaves. Buffy fights back the tears. Cut to the library. Willow and Xander come in. Xander is pulling on his gym shirt. Xander: Red alert! Where's Buffy? Giles: Uh, she, she just stepped out. Her, her father came by early. He, he needed to talk to her. W... where are your other clothes? Xander: Oh, don't I wish I had the answer to *that* question. Willow: Xander kinda found himself in front of our class not wearing much of anything. Xander: Except my underwear. Willow: (laughs) Yeah! It was really... (looks at Xander) ...bad. It was a bad thing. Xander: 'Bad thing'? I was naked. 'Bad thing' doesn't cover it. Willow: Everyone staring? I would hate to have everyone paying attention to me like that. Xander: With nudity! It's a total nightmare. Willow: (realizes) Well, yeah Xander! I-it's your nightmare! Xander: Except the part with me waking up goin' 'it's all a dream'. It happened. Willow: Like it happened to Wendell. That thing with the spiders? Wendell had a recurring dream about that. Giles: I-I dreamt that I got lost in the stacks and I... I couldn't read... Of course! Xander: Uh, our dreams are coming true? Giles: Dreams? That would be a musical comedy version of this. Nightmares, our, our nightmares are coming true. Willow: So, why is this happening? Giles: Billy. Xander: Well, that explanation was shorter than usual. (to Willow) It's Billy! (to Giles) Who's Billy? Giles: He's a boy in the local hospital. He was beaten. He's in a coma. Somehow I think he's crossed over from the nightmare world he's trapped in. Xander: And he brought the nightmare world with him. Thanks a bunch, Billy. Willow: How could he do that? Giles: Things like that are easy when you live on a Hellmouth. Xander: Well, um, we have to stop it. Giles: And soon. Or else everyone in Sunnydale is gonna be facing their own worst nightmares. Cut to the halls. Cordelia opens her locker and looks at her mirror. Her hair has become totally frizzy, and she freaks out. She tries to force a comb through it to no avail. Cordelia: I don't understand! This can't be happening! I was just at the salon! She puts her hands on her head in terror. Cordelia: Oh, my God! She tries the hair on the other side of her head, but it's just as bad. Cut outside. Buffy is walking along sadly with her arms crossed. She notices Billy going down some stairs to the gym entrance. When the students have all come out he goes in. Buffy follows him in and finds him sitting on the stands. Buffy: Billy? He looks at her a moment. She comes closer. Buffy: Are you Billy Palmer? Billy: I'm Billy. Buffy: Why are you here? (sits down next to him) Did something bad happen to you after your game? Billy: Something bad? (pulls his hands through his hair) I, I don't remember. Buffy: Do you remember playing baseball? Billy: Uh huh. Yeah. I play second base. Buffy: Are you 'lucky nineteen'? Billy: (looks at her) That's what he calls me. Buffy: Who? Billy: The Ugly Man. He wants to k*ll me. A-and he hurt that girl. Buffy: Why does he want to k*ll you, Billy? Billy: He's... Buffy: Billy, it's okay! What? Just tell me. Billy: He's here! The Ugly Man clubs Buffy with his deformed arm and knocks her down. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The gym. The Ugly Man hits Buffy in the face, knocking her off of the stands and onto the floor. She quickly gets up as he tries another swing and misses. She ducks a third swing, kicks him in the jaw with a high side kick and follows up with a spinning out-to-in crescent kick to his face. He isn't fazed. He swings again with his club arm and hits her squarely in the back, knocking her into the stands. He swings again as she gets up and knocks her legs out from under her, making her fall backward and onto the floor again. She rolls out of the way as he swings again, gets up and quickly follows Billy, who's already gone out the door. She's limping. Cut to the library. Giles, Willow and Xander walk out to find Buffy. Giles: Buffy doesn't know this is happening. And given the sort of thing that she tends to dream about, it's imperative that we find her. They come through the doors into the hall. Xander: Probably faster if we split up to look for her. Giles: Good idea. He and Xander go off in opposite directions. Willow: Oh, uh, faster, but... not really safer. Cut to outside the gym doors. Buffy slides a hockey stick through the door handles to slow the Ugly Man down. He pounds on the door as she leans against it. She looks around, sees Billy and goes over to him. Buffy: Billy! Billy: I'm sorry, I can't help it. Buffy: Who is he? Billy: He's the Ugly Man. Buffy: He's too strong! I can't fight him! We have to find my friends. They can help us. Billy: We have to hide. Buffy: No! He'll find us! Billy: Yes, but we have to hide. That's how it happens. We hide, and then he comes. They go to find the others. Cut to the hall. Willow comes down the stairs and sees a commotion down the hall. Cordelia is being dragged by some nerds into the chess club. Cordelia: No! What are you doing! Hey, no! You don't understand! I don't wanna go! I'm not even on the chess team! I swear, I'm not! They drag her into the room. Willow smiles at the sight. She hears her name being called from the door to the basement. Voice: Willow! Cordelia: Nohoho! Willow turns toward the voice, goes to the basement door, opens it and looks inside. Voice: Willow! Cut into the basement looking up the stairs at Willow. Willow: Buffy? She starts down the stairs, leaving the door open. Willow: Hello? Buffy? She reaches the bottom of the steps and looks around. Willow: I'm not afraid. You'd think I'd be afraid, but I'm not. She continues into the room and looks around. A hand grabs her on the shoulder and pulls her away as she screams. Cut to the hall. Xander comes through a door and finds the hall has been vandalized, with swastikas spray-painted everywhere. A light hanging from the ceiling is flickering. He spies a chocolate bar on the floor. Xander: Alright! (picks up the bar and tears it open) Someone else's loss is my chocolatey goodness. He takes a huge bite. He looks around some more and sees a Hershey bar. He walks over to it, picks it up and tears it open. Xander: This is my lucky day! He takes a huge bite out of the Hershey bar and looks around again. Cut outside. Buffy and Billy come out of a door. Buffy: (confused) Wha... I was sure this led to the library. Billy looks at a couple students playing on the other side of the fence. Buffy goes over to him. Buffy: They're just playing. What is it? What's bothering you? Billy: Baseball. When you lose, it's bad. Buffy: Did you lose your game last week? Billy: (nods) It was my fault. Buffy: Why was it your fault? Billy: I missed a ball and I should have caught it. Buffy: You missed one ball and the whole game was your fault? What, you were the only one playing? There wasn't eight other people on your team? Billy: He said it was my fault. Buffy: Who said? Billy, did he hurt you after the game? Billy: Can we go another way to find your friends? Buffy: Sure. Okay. We can go around the cafeteria. The Ugly Man comes in their direction and punches a student out. Buffy: Bad idea! (looks around) Uh, this way! C'mon! She pushes Billy ahead of her through some bushes. When they get through to the other side they are in the cemetery, and it's night. Buffy: What just happened? Billy: Is this where your friends are? Buffy: No, it's not. Cut to the basement. The show director is pulling Willow through a door to a dressing room. She is dressed in a green kimono for the part of Cio-Cio-San, the title character of Puccini's opera Madame Butterfly. Director: Man, I thought you weren't gonna show! Aldo is beside himself. He makes some adjustments to her kimono. Willow can hear the Emcee make his announcement on the stage. Emcee: Ladies and Gentlemen, we are proud to present two of the world's greatest singers! The audience begins to applaud. The director guides Willow onto the auditorium stage behind the curtain. Director: I hope you're warmed up. It's an ugly crowd out there tonight. All the reviewers showed up. Emcee: All the way from Firenze, Italy, the one and only Aldo Gianfranco! And all the way from Sunnydale, California, the world's finest soprano, Willow Rosenberg! Willow sees Aldo on stage through the curtain, dressed in a tuxedo and holding out his hand to greet her. She backs away into the director. Willow: But I... I didn't learn the words! The director gives her a shove onto the stage, and she stumbles through the curtains and bumps into Aldo. He sh**t her a look. She's terrified. The applause dies down. The spotlight is on Aldo, and he begins to sing the famous love duet from Act I. Aldo: Bimba dagli occhi pieni di malia, ora sei tutta mia. Translation: Child, from whose eyes the witchery is shining, now you are all my own. The spotlight moves to Willow when it's her turn. She is stiff with fear and remains silent as she looks between Aldo and the crowd. Realizing she's not going to sing, Aldo begins again, and the spotlight shifts back to him. Aldo: Sei tutta vestita di giglio. Mi piace la treccia tua bruna fra i candidi veli. Translation: You're dressed all in white like a lily. Your ebony tresses are shining on ivory shoulders. When he finishes his bar he gives her an annoyed look and stomps his foot. She's still frightened. Willow: (meekly) My turn? Aldo: (annoyed) Mm-hmm! She turns to the crowd and lets out a high-pitched squeak. Numerous murmurs come from the audience. Aldo is disgusted and turns away. Cut to the halls. There are sheets of plastic hanging from the ceiling. Xander pushes though a pair and stops. His hands are full of various chocolate bars. Xander: I love these bars! He spots another one on the floor. Xander: A Chocolate Hurricane! These are the best! I haven't had one of these since my... He hears incessant giggling coming toward him. Xander: ...sixth... (looks around) ...birthday. He sees a shadow come up behind another sheet of plastic, and a clown suddenly bursts through. Xander screams in terror as the clown holds up a Kn*fe. Xander falls as he tries to get away and somersaults backward into the next hall. He starts to crawl away fast. Cut to the cemetery. Buffy walks and looks around. Buffy: I don't see the Ugly Man. I also don't know where the sun and the rest of the world went. Billy: Look at this. She looks down where Billy is looking and sees a freshly dug grave with an open pine coffin inside. Billy: I guess we're gonna bury someone. I wonder who died. Master: Nobody died. Buffy and Billy look up at him in surprise. Master: What's the fun of burying someone if they're already d*ad? She stares at him in disbelief. Buffy: You! Master: So! This is the Slayer! You're prettier than the last one. Buffy: This isn't real. Y-you can't be free! Master: You still don't understand, do you? I am free because you fear it. Because you fear it, the world is crumbling. Your nightmares are made flesh. You have little Billy to thank for that. She looks behind her, but Billy is gone. She turns back to the Master. Buffy: This is a dream. Master: A dream is a wish your heart makes. (grabs Buffy by the neck.) This is real life. (pulls her around so her back is to the open grave) Come on, Slayer! What are you afraid of? He growls and bares his teeth, but doesn't bite. He throws her into the coffin at the bottom of the grave, and the lid slams shut. Buffy: No! Help me! Master: How 'bout being buried alive? The Master laughs maniacally as he starts to shovel dirt into the grave. Buffy: Somebody help me! Please! No! No! Please! No! No! No! Somebody help me! Please! No! The first shovelful of dirt hits the coffin, and some falls in through the cracks of the poorly constructed coffin. Buffy: Please! No! Help me! No! The next shovelful of dirt covers the crack between the boards. Buffy: Help! ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The halls. Willow comes through a door while being pelted with tomatoes. Xander runs up to her. Xander: Did you find Buffy? Willow: I had to sing! Very bad to sing! Xander: Willow, c'mon. Let's find the others. Willow: What happened to you? Xander: Remember my sixth birthday party? Willow: (laughs) Oh, yeah! When the clown chased you and you got so scared that you had... (stops smiling) Oh! The clown slices through a sheet of plastic. Willow screams and they start to run, right into Giles. Giles: No sign of Buffy? They grab hold of him and pull him with them. He sees the clown and starts to run, too. When they reach the end of the hall Xander stops, tired of the whole thing. He goes up to the clown, and as the clown raises his Kn*fe to att*ck, Xander punches him d*ad in the face and knocks him out. Xander: You are a lousy clown! Your balloon animals are pathetic! Everyone can make a giraffe! They leave the clown lying there. Cut outside. They come running out of the building and stop. Xander: I feel good! I feel liberated! People are running past them. Giles: You seem to be the only one. Things are getting worse. In a few hours reality will fold completely into the realm of nightmares. Willow: Well, what do we do? Giles: The only thing I can think is to try and wake Billy. Xander: Uh, no, we can't leave without Buffy. Giles: Agreed, but who knows where she might have gone? Willow sees a dimensional rift to the graveyard across the street. Willow: Excuse me, when did they put a cemetery in across the street? Xander: And when did they make it night over there? They walk through the rift into the cemetery. Xander: Whose nightmare is this? Giles looks at a gravestone that reads: Buffy Summers 1981 - 1997. Giles: It's mine. They all gather around the grave. Giles kneels next to it. Giles: I've failed... in my duty to protect you. I should have been more c... cautious. Taken more time to train you. But you were so gifted. And the evil was so great. I'm sorry... He lays his hand on the fresh soil. As he starts to get up a hand reaches up through the dirt and grabs his. Willow screams. Giles tears himself away as Buffy comes up through the dirt out of the grave. She brushes herself off. Giles: Buffy? She looks up. She has turned into a vampire. Buffy: I thought I was d*ad! Willow: Buffy, your face! Buffy feels her face and realizes what's happened. Buffy: Oh, God! She keeps her hands up to hide her face. Xander takes a couple of steps toward her. Xander: Buffy... Buffy: (turns away) Don't look at me! Giles: You never told me you dreamt of becoming a vampire. Buffy: This isn't a dream. Giles: No. No, it's not. But there's a chance that we can make it go away. This all comes from Billy. Now, if, if we can only wake him up, I believe that the nightmares will stop and reality will shift back into place, but we must do it now! I need you to hold together long enough to help us. Can you do that? She looks up at Giles. Buffy: (nods) Yeah. I think I can. Giles: Thank you. They face the others. Buffy: Well, we better hurry... 'cause I'm getting hungry. (starts away) Xander: (following) That is a... joke, right? Willow: Are you sure everything will go back once he's awake? Giles: Oh, uh, positive. Willow: Well, how do we wake Billy up? What if we can't? Giles: Willow, do shut up. Cut to the hospital. Pandemonium reigns. They come running down the hall to Billy's room. The doctor is there looking into Billy's room. Giles: Doctor! Is the boy Billy still here? Doctor: My hands! The doctor's hands are severely crippled. He goes away. They run into Billy's room. Xander: What now? Giles: Um... (bends down to Billy) Billy! Billy? Billy: That won't work. His astral body is standing by the curtains. Giles looks up at him. Giles: Billy! Uh, Billy, you have to wake up. Billy: No. I told her. I have to hide. Giles: Why? From what? Buffy: From him! She's still in the hall and sees the Ugly Man coming toward her. Giles goes over to the window to look. Xander: Aw, man, what do we do? Buffy: I think I know. She takes off her jacket. Willow hears buzzing outside and peeks through the blinds to see giant black wasps flying over the town. Willow: Whatever it is, it better be soon! Cut to the hall. The Ugly Man is making his way toward Buffy. Buffy: Glad you showed up! You see, I'm having a really bad day. Ugly Man: Lucky nineteen! Buffy: Scary! I'll tell you something, though. There are a lot scarier things than you. (takes two steps forward) And I'm one of them. The Ugly Man stops in his tracks and looks at her. She roars and runs to att*ck. She jumps on him, knocks him down and punches him twice in the face. She tries for a third punch, but he blocks her and gets his foot under her stomach. He pushes hard, and Buffy falls backwards. She gets up quickly and roundhouse kicks him in the gut, making him double over, but he pushes her into the window of Billy's room and then throws her into the opposite wall. He tries to punch her with his club arm, but she ducks, and his arm slams into a wall. She comes up behind him and side kicks him in the back. He slams into her, knocking her through the door into Billy's room and against his bed. She gets up to face him as he comes in after her. He swings again with his club arm, but she grabs it and roughly brings it down, breaking it over her knee. He wails in pain, and she body checks him into the wall, where he hits his head and slumps to the floor unconscious. Everyone just stares at him. Billy: I-is he d*ad? Buffy: Come here, Billy. Billy: I, I don't... Buffy: You have to do the rest. Billy slowly comes around the bed and over to the Ugly Man. Willow: What are they doing? Giles gestures for her to be quiet. Xander: I get it. Buffy takes Billy's hand. He looks up at her. Buffy: No more hiding. Billy looks down at the Ugly Man. Buffy lets go of his hand, and he reaches for the Ugly Man's neck. He peels back his face and a bright light streams out. In the next instant everything is back to normal. The Ugly Man is gone, Buffy is herself again, Xander and Willow are in their regular clothes and the hospital is functioning. Buffy smiles and feels her face. Willow breathes a sigh of relief. Billy wakes up. Xander: Hey, he's waking up! They all gather around. Billy: I had the strangest dream. And you were in it, and you... Who are you people? They all smile. Giles: Let's get a doctor. Billy's coach comes in as Giles and Xander are about to go get a doctor. Coach: Oh! Huh. Billy's got company. (takes off his cap) I-I-I'm his kiddie league coach. I come by here every day, just hoping against hope that he's gonna wake up soon. He's, uh, my lucky nineteen. Giles and Buffy exchange a look. Coach: So, um, how is he? Buffy steps aside to show him that Billy's awake. Buffy: He's awake. Coach: What? Buffy: You blamed him for losing the game. So you caught up with him afterwards, didn't you? Coach: (acting innocent) What are you talking about? Billy: (sits up) You said that it was my fault that we lost. The coach realizes he's been found out and tries to get away. Xander grabs him by the jacket and stops him. Billy: It wasn't my fault. There's eight other players on the team. You know that. (lies down) Buffy: (to Billy) Nice going! (smiles) Billy smiles back. Cut to the school. Willow, Buffy and Xander are walking. Buffy: I just can't believe a kiddie league coach would do something like that. Xander: Well, you obviously haven't played kiddie league. I'm surprised it wasn't one of the parents. Willow: I'm just glad he's behind bars where he belongs. Buffy: But that was kinda heroic, Xander, grabbing him and all. Xander: Well, I just did what anyone else would've. I mean, if you wanna label it heroic... Hank drives up, honks and gets out of the car and waves. Hank: Hi! Buffy: Have a k*ller weekend, guys! Xander bows his head to her. Buffy goes to her dad. Hank comes up the steps and hugs his daughter. Hank: Hi, sweetheart! Oh, it's so good to see you! (releases the hug) How was your day? Buffy: Fine. You know, usual. Willow: (to Xander) Personal question? Xander: Yeah, sh**t! Willow: When Buffy was a vampire, you weren't still, like, attracted to her, were you? Xander: Willow, how can you... I mean, that's really bent! She was... grotesque! Willow: Still dug her, huh? Xander: I'm sick, I need help. Willow: Don't I know it.

{"type": "series", "show": "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "episode": "01x10 - Nightmares"}

foreverdreaming

In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. Sunnydale High School. Cordelia: I just love springtime. Cut to the halls. Cordelia has her arms around her current boyfriend Mitch, and they and Harmony are walking down the hall. Cordelia: Me and bright spring fashions! Mitch: Spring training. Cordelia: Me at the end of school dance. Harmony: The end of school. Cordelia: Definitely. My favorite time of year. (giggles) I am, of course, having my dress specially made. Off the rack gives me hives. Mitch: Lemme guess: blue, like your eyes! (laughs) Cordelia: (laughs) My eyes are hazel, Helen Keller. Harmony: You two will look so fine together in the May Queen photo. Cordelia: Well, I haven't been elected May Queen yet. They've reached the library doors, and Buffy comes barging out. She bumps into Mitch and drops her bag, spilling out its contents: a couple of stakes, a couple of crosses, a mace and other stuff. Cordelia: Uhhh! Behold, the weirdness! Buffy: (looks up) You're probably wondering what I'm doing with this stuff, huh? Cordelia: Wow, I'm not! Buffy: Uh, for history class. Mr. Giles has this, like, hobby of collecting stuff... which he lent me... for show and tell. D-did I mention it's for history class? Harmony: She is always hanging with that creepy librarian in that creepy library. Cordelia and company continue down the hall. Cordelia: (to Mitch) Hey, did I ever tell you about the time that she att*cked me? At the Bronze? I don't know why this school admits mentals like her. They laugh. Buffy watches them go with a depressed look on her face. Cut to English class. They are discussing 'The Merchant of Venice'. Ms. Miller: 'If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?' (looks at the class) Okay. So talk to me, people. How does what Shylock says here about being a Jew relate to our discussion about the anger of the outcast in society? Cordelia: Well, how about color me totally self-involved? Ms. Miller: Care to elaborate? Cordelia: Yeah. With Shylock it's whine, whine, whine, like the whole world is about him. He acts like it's justice, him getting a pound of Antonio's flesh. It's not justice, it's yicky. Ms. Miller: But has Shylock suffered? What's his place in Venice society? Willow: Well, everyone looked down on him. Cordelia: That is such a twinkie defense. Shylock should get over himself. People who think their problems are so huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatizing event of *my* life, and she's trying to make it about *her* leg! Like *my* pain meant nothing. Ms. Miller: Well, Cordelia's raised an interesting point here. (the bell rings) Which we'll pursue at a later time. The students get up to leave. Cordelia comes up to Ms. Miller's desk. Cordelia: Ms. Miller? Ms. Miller: Good observations today, Cordelia. It's always exciting to know someone's actually done the reading. Willow rolls her eyes behind Cordelia and leaves. Cordelia: Thanks. Um, I wanna talk to you about my final paper. I'm real unfocused. I have all these thoughts, and I'm pretty sure they all contradict each other. Ms. Miller: Well, I have your outline here, but why don't you stop by tomorrow after school? We'll go over it then. Cordelia: That'd be great! Thanks a lot. (starts to leave) Ms. Miller: You're welcome. I'll see you then. Cordelia: Okay! Bye! (goes into the hall) Harmony! Harmony: Hi! Cordelia: They called and said the dress is ready. It's so great! Mitch is gonna die! Cut to the boys' locker room. Mitch comes out of the showers, drying himself off. He wraps his towel around his waist and goes over to his locker. He dries his hair a bit with another towel, and then reaches into his locker for his clothes. Another boy closes his locker and comes over to him as he pulls on his pants. Bud: Hey, Mitch! You goin' to the Bronze? Mitch: Later. I'm pickin' up my tux first. Bud: Uh huh. Mitch: Gotta look sharp for the big dig. Another boy comes over and joins them. Bud: Oh, that's right! You gotta look good to be on Cordelia's arm! Mitch: Oh, it's not her arm I'm lookin' to be on. (laughs) The boys laugh and then go. Cut to a sh*t of Mitch approaching from the other side. Footsteps can be heard, and then a girl's giggling. Mitch hears it and looks around. Mitch: Who's there? He doesn't see anyone, so he continues getting dressed. He hears the giggling again, and looks behind him where he thinks it's coming from. Mitch: Okay, fun time's over, come out. He reaches for a bat on top of the lockers, but it floats up by itself. The bat swings and hits him, and he falls down. The bat swings again but misses and hits the locker doors. It hits him on his upper left arm twice. Another swing of the bat hits him in the face, and he's knocked unconscious. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ In the halls at school. Cordelia hands out chocolates while campaigning for May Queen. Cordelia: Now, remember who to vote for for May Queen! As in me! Boy: Thanks. She sees Harmony and walks over to her. Cordelia: Hi! Isn't this the b*mb? I'm such the campaign strategist. Harmony takes one and sees the 'C' on the wrapper. Harmony: 'C'. For Cordelia? Cordelia: No, 'C' for Wilma, little brain! Of course, 'C' for Cordelia! This way people will associate me with something sweet! She absently continues to the next student. Cordelia: Here's a chocolate... (sees it's Buffy and pulls her hand back) Oh. I don't think I need the loony-fringe vote. (leaves) Buffy: Well, I-I don't even *like* chocolates. (to herself) Okay, that was the lamest comeback of our times. Xander and Willow arrive. Xander: So, what's Cordelia up to? Buffy: Bribery. She's desperate to be May Queen. Xander: Cordelia, man, she does love titles! Willow: (reminded by that, laughing hysterically) Oh, God! Remember in sixth grade with the field trip? Xander: Right! Right! The guy with the antlers on his belt! Willow: Be my Deputy! Xander: And remember the, the hat? Willow: Oh God! The hat! Buffy: Gee, it's fun that we're speaking in tongues. Willow: I'm sorry. (calms down) Xander: It's just that we had this, uh... You had to be there. Willow: It's not even funny. Xander: Really. Willow: Uh, Cordelia just has a history of trying too hard. Xander: Yeah, what kind of moron would wanna be May Queen anyway? Buffy: (turns to her locker) I was. Xander: You what? Buffy: At my old school. Xander: Oh! So the, uh, *good* kind of moron would do that. The, uh, non-moron, I mean. Buffy: (closes her locker and turns back) Well, we didn't call it 'May Queen', but we had the coronation, and the dance, and all that stuff. It was nice. Xander: Well, you know, you don't need that anymore. You got us! Willow: (cracks up again) Be my Deputy! Oh, God... Buffy feels very left out. Suddenly Bud comes running down the hall with news about Mitch. Bud: Guys! C'mon! (Buffy looks up) Mitch got whaled on! I think he's... Cut to the door to the gym. Principal Snyder is talking to the students. Snyder: d*ad? Of course not. What are you, ghouls? They all turn to look when the paramedics open the doors to the gym and wheel Mitch out. Snyder: There are no d*ad students here. This week. Clear back, make room, all of you. Buffy grabs the gurney and stops it. Buffy: Mitch, what happened? Mitch: I don't know. I, I heard something. I tried to grab a, a bat... (guffaws, unable to believe what he's saying) that h*t me. Buffy: What h*t you? Mitch: The bat! By itself, the thing was floating, it knocked me out. The paramedics wheel him away. Buffy: (to Xander) I'd better check out the scene. (starts toward the locker room) Snyder: Where do you think you're going? Buffy: (stops and faces him) Um, Mitch wanted me to get his comb. He, he likes his comb. Snyder: I don't think Mitch needs his comb right now. I think Mitch needs medical attention. Willow and Xander exchange a look. Snyder: And you need to stay away from the crime scene. Always sticking your nose in. Willow: (loudly) Sue? What did you say? Mitch was gonna sue the school? Snyder: (diverted by Willow) Sue? Who? Buffy mouths a 'thank you' to Willow and Xander and quickly goes onto the locker room. Xander: Well, his dad is the most powerful lawyer in Sunnydale. Snyder: Hold on. What have you two heard? Xander: His dad, the lawyer. You haven't heard of him? Willow: Other lawyers call him 'The Beast'. Cut to the locker room. It's deserted. Buffy walks quietly and looks around. She sees the bat on the floor and goes over to it. She nudges it with her foot and it just rolls away. She goes into the nearest row of lockers where four of the locker doors are damaged and wide open. She looks into one of the lockers and notices a large letter on the door next to it. She closes all the lockers and sees the word 'look' painted in red. Cut to later in the cafeteria during lunch. Willow: 'Look'? That's all it said? Xander: Look at what? Look at Mitch? Buffy: Maybe. All I know is it's a message. Xander: And... Giles: (finds them) Ah, here you are. Buffy: And monsters don't usually send messages. It's pretty much crush, k*ll, destroy. This was different. Giles: I'd have to say you're right. Buffy: I love it when he says that! Any theories? Giles: (takes a seat) Uh, I'm, uh, it's a bit of a puzzle, really. Um, I've never actually heard of anyone att*cked by a lone baseball bat before. Xander: Maybe it's a vampire bat. (no response from the others) I'm alone with that one, huh? Giles: Well, assuming the bat itself is not possessed, uh, there are a few possibilities that bear investigating. Uh, someone with telekinesis, uh, the power to move objects at will, uh, uh, an invisible creature, um, or possibly a poltergeist. Willow: A ghost? Giles: Yes, and a very angry one. Buffy: Yeah, I'd say. The locker room was a real scene. Willow: If it's a ghost, then we're talking about a d*ad kid. Buffy: I guess so. You know, why don't you compile a list of d*ad or missing kids? It's probably a good place to start. Giles: And, uh, I'll research all the possibilities, ghosts included. But, uh, Xander, if you're not doing anything, would you like to help me? Xander: What, so there's homework now? When did that happen? Buffy: It's all part of the glamorous world of vampire slayage. Xander: Well, what part do you have? Buffy: Gonna find out what I can about Mitch. This att*ck wasn't random. Xander: Well, I want that part. Buffy: Fine. You can do it. Ask around, talk to his friends. Talk to Cordelia! Xander: Talk to Cordelia? (to Giles) So, research, huh? Cut to the balcony. Harmony finds Cordelia at the drinking fountain. Harmony: Hi! Cordelia: Oh, hi. Harmony: Cordelia, you weren't in fifth period. Cordelia: I went to the hospital. Harmony: Oh, Mitch. How is he? Will he be okay? Cordelia: Well, the doctor says he'll be fine. They're gonna send him home tomorrow. But... you should've seen him lying there. All black and blue? How's he gonna look in our Prom pictures? How am I ever gonna be able to show them to anyone? Harmony: Well, they can do wonderful things with airbrushes these days. Cordelia: You think? Marcie has a flashback. Harmony finds Cordelia at the drinking fountain. Harmony: Hi! Cordelia: Hi! Did you see Mitch? He just broke up with Wendy eight seconds ago, and he's already nosing around. Harmony: It's shameless! Cordelia: In the spring, if he makes varsity baseball, maybe I'll take him on a test drive. Marcie: Hi, guys! Cordelia: What do *you* want? The flashback is over. Cordelia and Harmony walk along the balcony toward the stairs. Cordelia: I just hope they can prop him up long enough to take the picture. Buffy: (from the door) Cordelia, can I talk to you? Cordelia: Oh, great. Harmony: Why is she always try... Uff! She jerks backward and tumbles down the stairs. Buffy, Cordelia and others come running down after her. Principal Snyder saw it happen, too. Cordelia: Harmony! Snyder: Oh, for heaven sakes! Clear back, everyone! Give her some air! (to a student) You! School nurse, now! The student nods and scrambles to get the nurse. Harmony: Ow! Oh, my ankle! I think it's broken. Buffy: What happened? Snyder: (to Buffy) Hey! Who's the principal here? (to Harmony) What happened? Cordelia: She fell! She, she, we were standing at the top of the stairs and she just fell! All by herself! Harmony: No! I was pushed! Buffy gets up when she hears laughter and footsteps going up the stairs. She follows the sounds up the stairs. Snyder bends down and touches Harmony's ankle. Harmony: Ow! Snyder: Don't sue. Buffy reaches the top of the stairs and still hears the laughter. She sees a door close and follows whoever it was in. Cut inside. Buffy: Is anybody here? She feels something bump her and hears footsteps going into the band room. She looks around, confused. Buffy: Hey! Who's here? She goes into the band room and hears activity somewhere. The ceiling access hatch in the corner rises up, but Buffy doesn't notice it. Buffy: Okay, I know someone's here. Look, I'm not gonna hurt you. I just wanna talk to you. The ceiling hatch lowers back into place. Buffy looks around and finally leaves. The camera pans from Buffy up to the ceiling hatch in a corner above a cabinet. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ The main entrance to Sunnydale High after school. Students are leaving for the day. The camera pans over to two men dressed in black suits watching the student's activity. Buffy: Giles, have you ever touched a ghost? Giles: Uh, no. From what I've heard, uh, having a, a ghost pass through you is a singular experience. It's a, it's a rather, uh, cold amorphous feeling. It makes your hair stand on end. Buffy: You see, that's my problem. I touched the thing, but it didn't go through me. It bumped into me. And it wasn't cold. Xander: So, we're talking about what, an invisible person? Buffy: A girl. She laughed. Giles: A girl on campus with the ability to become invisible. Xander: That is so cool! Willow: Cool? Xander: Well, yeah, I would give anything to be able to turn invisible. Well, I wouldn't use my powers to b*at people up, but I'd use my powers to protect the girls' locker room. Giles: It must be a fairly heady experience... having that ability. Willow: How'd she get it? Is she a witch? 'Cause we can fight a witch. Xander: Hmm. Greek myths speak of cloaks of invisibility, but they're usually for the gods. (gets looks from everyone) Research Boy comes through with the knowledge! Buffy: This girl's sorta petty for a god. Willow: She's got a grudge. But why Harmony? Xander: Harmony and Mitch. The common denominator is... Buffy: Cordelia! Willow: So what now? Buffy: First thing tomorrow, why don't you pull up that missing kids list? Willow: Got it. I'll see ya then. Buffy: Bye. Xander: See ya. (leaves with Willow) Oh, hey, do you wanna come to our place tonight for dinner? Mom's making her famous phone call to the Chinese place. Willow: Xander, do you guys even have a stove? Giles: (to Buffy) So, I'll look into ways that you can de-cloak an invisible someone. What about you? Buffy: I think Cordelia's gonna be workin' on her May Queen dress tonight. Maybe there'll be some action. Guess I'm gonna start the hunt. Giles: How exactly do you propose to hunt someone you can't see? Buffy gives Giles an inquisitive look. Cut to the halls that night. The shadow on the floor shows the doors opening. Giles: You may have to work on listening to people. Buffy: Very funny. Giles: I thought so. Buffy comes into the hall and hears activity to her left. She finds the room where Cordelia and her friends are getting her dress ready. They fuss over the dress. Buffy hears the conversation and laughter coming from the room. Cordelia: Should I wear my hair up? Do you think I should wear it up? Buffy peeks through the door to watch. Cordelia: How does the, um, hem go? Is it, is it long enough, or... Buffy smiles. Cordelia: Isn't it beautiful? Buffy looks down and remembers her own experience as Prom Queen. As she turns to go she hears a flute playing. She begins to follow the sound. Cut to the library. Giles comes up the stairs and stops when he hears the music, too. The music stops, and he continues into the stacks. He hears a squeaking and stops again. Giles: Who's there? After a moment he takes a few steps to a glass-enclosed bookcase and sees his reflection. He turns away and is startled by Angel standing there. He looks back at his reflection but doesn't see one for Angel. Giles: (exhales) A vampire casts no reflection. Angel: Don't worry. I'm not here to eat. Giles: Buffy told me you don't feed from humans anymore. Angel: Not for a long while. Giles: Is that why you're here? To see her? Angel: I can't. It's, uh... It's too hard for me to be around her. Giles: A vampire in love with a Slayer! It's rather poetic! In a maudlin sort of way. What can I, uh... What can I do for you? Angel: I know you've been researching the Master. Giles: Yes, the vampire king. I've tried to learn as much as I can about him for the day that Buffy must face him. Angel: Something's already in motion, something big, but I don't know what. You've read all the Slayer lore there is, right? Giles: I-I've studied all the extant volumes, of course. But the, uh, most salient books of Slayer prophecy have been lost. The Tiberius Manifesto, the Pergamum Codex... Angel: The Codex? Giles: It's reputed to have contained the most complete prophecies about the Slayer's role in the end years. Unfortunately, the book was lost in the 15th century. Angel: Not lost. Misplaced. I can get it. Giles: (exhales, astounded) That would be most helpful! Uh, m-my own volumes have... been rather useless of late. Angel: (looks at Giles' book) Legends of Vishnu? Giles: (a bit embarrassed) There's an... invisible girl terrorizing the school. Angel: That's not really my area of expertise. Giles: Nor mine, I'm afraid. Uh, it's fascinating, though. By all accounts it's a, a... a wonderful power to possess. Angel: Oh, I don't know. Looking in the mirror everyday and seeing nothing there. (cut to Giles' reflection) It's an overrated pleasure. Cut to a girls' restroom. Marcie is having another flashback. She looks at herself in the mirror. Cordelia and her friends come in. Cordelia: God! I am never sitting through another one of those alumni lectures again. Two hours of 'My Trek Through Nepal'. Hello! There is nobody caring. Marcie: And did you guys see his toupee? I mean, it looks like a cabbage. Cordelia: And those slides! 'That's a mountain. That's a mountain, too. Now look at some mountains.' Harmony: I swear, he had three slides and just used them over and over. Marcie: I know, but did you guys see his toupee? I mean, it was, like, the worst! Harmony: (to Marcie) We're talking, okay? Cordelia: Oh! And did you guys check out that extreme toupee? Yeah, that's realistic. It looked like a cabbage. They all laugh. Cordelia and her friends leave the restroom. Marcie stays behind and feels very left out. Snyder: The winner is Cordelia Chase! Cut to the quad where a stage has been set up. Snyder: Let's bring up our new May Queen. The students in the quad all applaud. Xander and Willow walk out of the crowd. Cordelia: Thank you for making the right choice, and for showing me how much you all love me. (applause) Being this popular is not just my right, but my responsibility, and I want you to know I take it very seriously. Cut to Buffy leaning on a nearby pillar. Willow and Xander come up to her. Cordelia: It all began when... Xander: So, Giles said you'd be here. Why are you being here? Buffy: Last night was a bust. But I still think Cordy's the key. Willow: This is the d*ad and missing list. I pulled up their classes, activities, medical records... Buffy: Good work. Willow notices the two men in black suits loitering by some stairs. Willow: Has Cordelia hired a bodyguard or something? Xander sees them too, and he and Willow exchange a look. Buffy: Hey, you guys, check out this one. It's the most recent one, Marcie Ross, disappeared, like, six months ago. Xander: I don't know her. Willow: Me neither. Buffy: Her only activity was band. She played the flute. Willow: So? Buffy: Well, last night when I was hunting, I heard this flute, but I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. And it was in the band room that I lost Miss Invisible yesterday. You know what, this all tracks. I'm gonna check it out. See you guys later? Xander: Okay, we'll see you after geometry. Cordelia: (still giving her acceptance speech) Ask not what your school can do for you, ask: Hey! What am I wearing to the Spring Fling? Cut to the band room. Buffy looks around and almost runs into a chair. She notices a boot print on it, guesses it was used as a step to climb and looks up. She notices in the corner of the ceiling that there's an access hatch. She climbs up onto the cabinet and crawls over to the hatch. She lifts it up and puts it aside as she pokes her head in and has a look around. She climbs up onto the ceiling and begins to crawl through the space. Near a skylight she finds Marcie's things. Her flute is there, and Buffy picks it up to look at it. The camera shows Marcie's view as she watches Buffy go through her stuff. Buffy picks up her teddy bear, looks at it and puts it back. She looks under some sheet music, finds Marcie's yearbook, pulls it out and opens it. Buffy: Marcie Ross. So it is you. As Buffy sits there and reflects, a Kn*fe floats in midair behind her left shoulder. Buffy closes the yearbook and takes it with her as she starts back to the hatch. In the band room she closes the hatch and climbs back down from the cabinet. Cut to Ms. Miller's classroom. She's waiting for Cordelia to show up. Marcie walks in and closes the door. Ms. Miller: Cordelia, could you possibly be on time? She looks up from her desk and sees no one's there. She goes back to her work as Marcie walks around behind her and giggles. Ms. Miller: Who's there? Marcie slips a plastic bag over Ms. Miller's head and ties it off. Cut to the hall. Cordelia arrives at the door and knocks. Cut inside. Ms. Miller is slumped over on her desk. Cordelia comes in. Cordelia: Ms. Miller? (sees her) Oh, my God! Ms. Miller! (lifts her up) Oh, my God! (pulls the bag off) Are you okay? Ms. Miller draws a sudden deep breath and begins coughing. Cordelia: Ms. Miller, what happened? Behind her at the chalkboard a piece of chalk floats up and begins to write. Ms. Miller: att*cked. Didn't see. The piece of chalk makes noise on the board, and Cordelia and Ms. Miller turn to see it finish writing the word 'listen'. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Giles is sitting at the table. Giles: A nest? Buffy: It looked like she'd been there for months. It's where I found this. She opens the yearbook and puts it on the table for Willow and Xander to see. Willow: Oh, my God! (reads) 'Have a nice summer. Have a nice summer.' This girl had no friends at all. Giles: Uh, once again I teeter at the precipice of the generation gap. Buffy: 'Have a nice summer' is what you write when you have nothing to say. Xander: It's the kiss of death. Buffy: You guys didn't know Marcie Ross? Xander: Never met her. Why? Buffy: 'Cause you both wrote it, too. (points to Xander's signature) Xander: 'Have a nice...' Yeesh! Willow: Where am I? (Buffy points) Oh. 'Have a *great* summer.' See, I cared! Buffy: You guys don't remember her? Xander: No, I probably didn't see her except to sign the book. I mean, this is a big school. Willow: (looks at her printouts) Xander, we each had four classes with her last year. Buffy: So, no one noticed her, and now she's invisible. Xander: What, she turned invisible because no one noticed her? Giles: (hits the table) Of course! (gets up) I've been investigating the mystical causes of invisibility when I, I should have looked at the quantum mechanical! (gets looks from them all) Physics. Buffy: I think I speak for everyone here when I say, huh? Giles: (gets a book) It's a rudimentary concept that, that reality is shaped, even, even... created by our perception. Buffy: And with the Hellmouth below us sending out mystical energy... Giles: People perceived Marcie as, as, as invisible, and, and, and, and she became so. Cut to Ms. Miller's class, where Marcie has another flashback. Ms. Miller: So, who knows the answer to this one? Think about it. Several students, including Marcie, raise their hands. Ms. Miller: Cordelia? Cordelia: Well, just because the story's about him, doesn't necessarily mean he's the hero, right? Ms. Miller: Exactly. So, what do we call him? Willow? Willow: Well, the protagonist. Ms. Miller: Xander? Xander: Why can't he be both? I mean, he did do some things that are pretty heroic. Ms. Miller: Absolutely. Who doesn't agree with that? Several students including Marcie raise their hands. Ms. Miller points to one. Ms. Miller: Okay. Marcie raises her hand again. Ms. Miller points to someone else. Ms. Miller: And how about you? Marcie becomes weary of constantly being passed over and sighs. She looks at her hand and watches as it becomes translucent and then transparent. Her flashback is over. Cut to the library. Buffy: This isn't this great power that she can control. It's something that was done to her. That *we* did to her. Willow: No wonder she's miffed. Xander: What does she want? Buffy: Just what we thought. Cordelia. She turns the yearbook to Willow and Xander to show them the marked up picture of Cordelia. Cordelia comes into the library and overhears her name. Cordelia: What? I knew you'd be here. Buffy, I, uh, I, I know we've had our differences, with you being so weird and all, and hanging out with these total losers... Willow and Xander can't believe that she just said that in front of them. Cordelia: Ooo! (exhales) Well, anyway, despite all of that, I know that you share this feeling that we have for each other, deep down... Willow: Nausea? Cordelia: Somebody is after me! They just tried to k*ll Ms. Miller? Uh, she was helping me with my homework. And Mitch! And Harmony?! This is all about me! Me, me, me! Xander: Wow! For once she's right! Buffy: So you've come to *me* for help. Cordelia: (nods) Because you're always around when all this weird stuff is happening. And I know you're very strong, and you've got all those w*apon... I was kind of hoping you were in a g*ng. Buffy can't believe what she's hearing. Cordelia: Please! I don't have anyone else to turn to! Giles gets up and offers her a chair. Giles: Please. Sit down. Cordelia: Okay. Thanks. Giles: You know, I... I don't recall ever seeing you here before. Cordelia: Oh, no, I have a life. Buffy: Okay. (exhales) Cordelia, your attacker is an invisible girl. Xander: Who is really, really angry at you, which I... can't imagine personally, but it... takes all kinds, y'know? Cordelia: Well, I don't care what it is, just get rid of it! Buffy: Well, it's not that simple, it's a person, it's... (shows her the yearbook) It's this person. Now, do you have any idea why she'd be so... Cordelia: Oh, God! Is she really wearing Laura Ashley? Xander: So homicidal? Cordelia: (exhales) I have no idea! I've never seen this girl before in my life! Cut to the crawl space in the ceiling. Marcie: (maniacally) I won 'cause you didn't see me coming. Cordelia, you don't remember me. I remember you, all your idiot slut friends, I hate them. They take your life and they suck it out of you! But then they didn't see me coming. They gotta learn. They gotta learn. Cut to the library. Giles: According to what you told us about the att*ck on Ms. Miller, we now have two messages from Marcie: 'look' and 'listen'. Willow: Messages we don't understand. Buffy: I don't think we're supposed to... yet. Marcie's not quite ready. But from what she did to Cordelia's picture, I would say that she's wigged on the whole May Queen thing. Maybe she's gonna do something about it. Willow: Stop the coronation tonight, maybe. Keep you guys away from the Bronze? Cordelia: Nothing is keeping me from the Bronze tonight! Xander: Uh, can we just revel in your fabulous lack of priorities? Cordelia: If I'm not crowned tonight then, then Marcie's won! And that would be bad. She's evil, okay? Way eviler than me. Buffy: Cordelia has a point. Cordelia: Buffy's with me on this. Buffy: Anyway, continuing the normal May Queen activities may be the best way to draw Marcie out. We can use Cordelia as bait. Cordelia: Great! Bait? Giles: Willow, Xander, you'll help me begin our research anew. Unless we find a way to cure Marcie's invisibility, then Buffy will be... Marcie is there now looking down from the stacks. Buffy: A sitting duck. They all get up to do their tasks. Buffy: (to Cordelia) C'mon. Cordelia: Well, I have to try on my dress. And am I really bait? Cut to the halls. Buffy and Cordelia are walking. Cordelia: So, how much the creepy is it that this Marcie's been at this for months? Spying on us? Learning our most guarded secrets? So, are you saying she's invisible because she's so unpopular? Buffy: That about sums it up. Cordelia: (exhales) Bummer for her. It's awful to feel that lonely. Buffy: Hmm. So you've read something about the feeling? Cordelia: (stops Buffy) Hey! You think I'm never lonely because I'm so cute and popular? I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone. It's not like any of them really know me. I don't even know if they like me half the time. People just want to be in a popular zone. Sometimes when I talk, everyone's so busy agreeing with me, they don't hear a word I say. Buffy: Well, if you feel so alone, then why do you work so hard at being popular? Cordelia: Well, it beats being alone all by yourself. She continues down the hall. After considering that for a moment Buffy quickly follows. Cut to the library. Willow hears a flute play. Willow: Shhh! Listen! They all listen for a moment and look in the direction of the music. Giles: Come on. Cut to the hall. They come out of the library. Giles: We could... talk to her. Perhaps reason with her. Or possibly grab her. Willow: There are three of us. Xander: Let's go! They start down the hall. Cut to a mop closet. Buffy opens the door and turns on the light. Cordelia: If you ever tell to anyone that I changed in a mop closet... Buffy: Your secret dies with me. (looks around) Looks okay. But hurry. Cordelia: Okay. She leaves the closet and closes the door behind her. Cut to the basement. Giles, Willow and Xander come down the stairs and look around. They all listen for the next direction to take. Xander hears the flute through a pair of heavy metal doors. Xander: Over here. He opens the door and they all follow him into the boiler room. Giles: Marcie? We know what happened to you. Please, can we talk to you? Willow: We're sorry we ignored you. Xander follows the sound of the flute over to a shelf where there's a tape recorder playing. Xander: Can you say 'gulp'? Marcie can be heard running from the room and slamming the door behind her. The main gas valve has been opened and is hissing. Giles: What's that sound? Cut to the hall. Buffy is talking to Cordelia through the door. Buffy: You know what you were saying before? I understand. Somehow it doesn't seem to matter how popular you are when... Cordelia: You were popular? In what alternate universe? Buffy: In L.A. Th-the point is, I did sort of feel like something was missing. Cordelia: Is that when you became weird and got kicked out? Buffy: Okay. Can we have the heartfelt talk with a little less talk from you? (no response) Cordelia? She hears noises inside the closet and some muffled screaming. Buffy: Cordelia! She tries the door, but it's locked. Buffy: Cordelia! She punches through the door and reaches in to unlock it. As she comes in she sees Cordelia being pulled through the ceiling. Cordelia: Buffy! Buffy tries to jump and grab her legs, but she's pulled through too quickly. Buffy steps back, takes a running jump up to grab a pipe and swings herself up and through the opening. Cut to the basement. Giles: It's gas. (checks the furnace) She's snuffed out the pilot light! The gas is on full! (looks around) I can't find the shutoff valve. Xander finds the valve handle on the floor. Xander: Is this it? Willow: Okay, that's bad. How 'bout the door? She and Xander slam themselves into it, but it doesn't budge. Xander spots a bar, grabs it and starts to swing it at the door like a ram. Giles: NO! One spark and you'll take the whole building with us! Cut to the ceiling crawl space. Buffy looks around and finds Cordelia lying there. Buffy: Cordelia! (kneels next to her) Cordelia! (takes her pulse) Oh, my God! She's looking around for what to do when Marcie kicks her. She rolls away and falls through a ceiling panel and onto a desk below, smashing it and getting knocked out. Marcie drops a medical bag next to her and opens it. Buffy wakes and lifts her head to look around. Marcie gets a syringe out of the bag and goes over to Buffy. She sees the needle at the last moment as Marcie injects her in the neck. Buffy's vision blurs, and in just a few seconds she falls back to the floor unconscious. ~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ Outside the Bronze. Cut inside. Cordelia and Buffy are tied to the May King and Queen thrones. Buffy wakes up. Cordelia: Buffy? You're awake? Buffy: (a bit disoriented) Yeah. Cordelia: I can't feel my face! Buffy: What do you mean? Cordelia: My face. My face is numb. What is she doing? Buffy: I don't know. Cordelia looks at the curtain. 'Learn' is written on it in glitter. Cordelia: What does that mean? Buffy: I don't know. Cut to the basement. Giles tries to turn the gas valve off with his bare hands with some success. Giles: That should give us a few minutes, but we b... If we don't get out of this room soon... Willow: Why is Marcie doing this? Giles: The loneliness, the constant exile, she's... (coughs) she has gone mad! Xander: Ya think? (coughs) Cut to the Bronze. A tray wheels itself over to Buffy and Cordelia. Marcie: Uh, I'm disappointed. I'd really hoped you guys had figured it out by now. Buffy: Well, why don't you explain it? C'mon, Marcie, what are we supposed to learn? Cordelia: Yeah, what do you wanna teach us! Marcie: You don't get it. You're not the student. You're the lesson. Cordelia: What did you do to my face? Marcie: Your face. That's what this is all about, isn't it? Your beautiful face. That's what makes you shine just a little bit brighter than the rest of us. We all want what you have. To be noticed, remembered. To be seen. Cordelia: What are you doing? Marcie: Well, I'm fulfilling your fondest wish. She pulls off the cloth covering the tray, revealing several surgical instruments. Cordelia gasps when she sees them. Marcie: I'm gonna give you a face no one will ever forget. Cut to the basement. Willow is slouched on the floor, weakened by the lack of oxygen. Giles takes off his jacket and wraps it around the pole Xander found to prevent sparks. Giles: One, two, three! The two of them ram the door with the pole, and it makes a deep, loud boom, but it doesn't budge. Giles: Again! The door still won't budge. Cut to the Bronze. Buffy: Marcie, you can't do this. Marcie: What are you gonna do? Slay me? Buffy: Marcie, you know this is wrong. Marcie: (punches Buffy) You shoulda stayed outta my way. Y'know, I, I thought, I thought you would understand my vision, but you're just like them. She takes a scalpel from the tray and swings it at Cordelia's face. Cordelia: (gasps) Please don't do this! (watches the blade float in front of her) Nooohohoho! Marcie: You should be grateful. I mean, people who pass you in the street are gonna remember you for the rest of their lives. Buffy struggles to reach for the tray while Marcie concentrates on Cordelia. Marcie: Children are gonna dream about you. And every one of your, your friends who comes to the coronation tonight will take the sight of the May Queen to their graves. Cordelia: Wait! Marcie: No, we really have to get started. The local anesthetic's gonna wear off soon, and I don't want you to faint. It's less fun if you're not awake. Cut to the basement. Willow is unconscious. Xander and Giles are on the floor now, too. Xander: You guys are... I'm blacking out on you. He collapses onto Willow. Cut to the Bronze. Marcie: Let me see. I think we should start with your smile. I think it should be wider. Cordelia: Marcie, I know you think I don't understand, but I do! Marcie: Yeah, I'll *bet* you know how I feel. I'm sure you can just be with all your friends and feel so alone 'cause they don't really know you. You're just a typical, self-involved, spoiled little brat, and you think you can charm your way out of this, don't you?! ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU THINK?! She swings the scalpel and cuts Cordelia's cheek. Buffy looks at her in shock. Marcie: I see right through you. Buffy has freed her legs and kicks the instrument tray into Marcie. She stumbles back into the curtain. Buffy quickly pulls the rest of the ropes off and gets out of her chair. Cordelia: Oh, my God! Get me out of here, please! Buffy: (starts working on Cordelia's ropes) Hold still! Marcie can be heard getting back up, and she kicks Buffy away from Cordelia. Cordelia screams. Cordelia: (crying) Uh, huh, huh, oh, my God! Cut to the basement. Giles is weakly slapping against the door. It suddenly opens, and Giles falls through it. Angel stands in the doorway and looks around and down. He quickly grabs Giles and helps him up. Angel: Come on! He helps Giles out of the room. He pulls Xander up, and he wakes and gets out by himself. Angel picks Willow up in his arms and carries her out. Giles slams the door closed. They all cough and try to breathe. Xander: What happened? Angel: You tell me. Willow: (waking up) I'm up, mom. Xander: (notices Angel) Hi! What do you want? Angel: I brought you the Codex. (hands the book to Giles) I came in through the basement. I smelled the gas. Giles: Yes, w-w-well shut it off, otherwise, uh, the whole building will go up! Angel: I'll get it. It's not like I need the oxygen. Giles: Come on, let's get out of here. He leads Willow and Xander up the stairs as Angel watches them go. When they're gone Angel goes into the room to shut off the gas. Cut to the Bronze. Buffy gets up. Buffy: Y'know, I really felt sorry for you. You've suffered. There's one thing I really didn't factor into all this. You're a thundering loony! Cordelia: Buffy, are you okay? Buffy tries to get up, but Marcie kicks her back down. Cordelia: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Buffy tries to get up again, but Marcie punches her and knocks her onto the chair. Cordelia: (screams) Buffy! Buffy falls off of the chair and tips it over onto herself in the process. Cordelia: (screams) Buffy! Oh, my God! Buffy gets up again and takes a blind swing. Marcie: Hey, moron! I'm invisible! (knocks Buffy down) How are you gonna fight someone you can't see? Cordelia: Oh, my God! She is in hysterics, and it's distracting Buffy. Buffy: Cordelia, shut up. Cordelia: (meekly) Okay. Buffy closes her eyes and tries to sense where Marcie is. Marcie slowly walks around her. The floor creaks under her foot and Buffy spins around and lands a punch right on target. Marcie staggers back into a red banner, and it wraps around her and gets pulled down with her. She gets up with the banner draped over her head. Buffy: I see you. She punches Marcie again, knocking her down once more. The side door opens, and several FBI men come in. Agent: Everybody stay where you are. Two agents run over to Buffy and Marcie. Doyle: (g*n drawn) FBI! Nobody move! Manetti: (holds out his hand to keep Buffy back) Okay, we'll take it from here now, ma'am. (helps Marcie up) Buffy: Take what from where? Doyle: I'm agent Doyle, this is Agent Manetti. We're here for the girl. Buffy: Well, where were you ten minutes ago when she was playing surgeon? Doyle: I'm sorry, we came as fast as we could. Marcie: (to herself) Oh, my God! Doyle: (hands Marcie off to another agent) We'll take it from here on. Agent: C'mon. Buffy: You can cure her? Doyle: We can rehabilitate her. Manetti: In time she'll learn to be a useful member of society again. Marcie is led out of the Bronze by the other agents. Marcie: Where are we going? Doyle: Very useful. Buffy: (realizes) This isn't the first time this has happened, is it? It's happened at other schools. Manetti: We're not at liberty to discuss that. Doyle: It would be best for you to forget this whole incident. Buffy: Do you know that you guys are very creepy? Doyle: Thank you for your help. Manetti: Oh, and, uh... have a nice day. Buffy watches them go. Cordelia: Can I get untied now? Buffy turns to Cordelia and kneels down to untie her. She smiles up at Cordelia. Cut to the school halls the next day. The team is walking to the library. Buffy: I just can't believe how twisted Marcie got. By the way, how did you guys get out of the boiler room? Xander: Oh, well, when the gas was coming down, we... Giles: Janitor, um, found us. Shut the valve off. Willow: We were lucky. Buffy: I'll say. Cordelia comes down the hall toward them at a fast walk. Cordelia: Hi. Buffy: Hey! Cordelia: Look, um, I didn't get a chance to say anything yesterday with the coronation and everything... but, um, I guess I just wanted to say thank you, all of you. Xander: That's funny, 'cause she *looks* like Cordelia. Buffy elbows him in the chest. Cordelia: You really helped me out yesterday, and you didn't have to. So, thank you. Buffy: It's okay. Willow: Listen, we were gonna grab lunch in a minute if you wanted to... Mitch: (comes up behind Cordelia) Whoa, whoa. You're not hangin' with these losers, are you? Cordelia: Uhhh! Are you kidding? Heh! (takes his arm and leaves) I was just being charitable. Helping them with their fashion problems. Heh. You think I really felt like joining *that* social leper colony? Puh- leeease! Xander: Boy, where's an invisible girl when you really need one? They head into the library. Cut to an FBI building. Doyle and Manetti escort Marcie to a classroom. Doyle: I think you'll be happy here. Manetti: You should fit right in. Marcie doesn't answer, but just goes into the classroom. The only person visible in it is the teacher. Teacher: Welcome, Marcie. Marcie: Hey. Teacher: Class, this is Marcie. Class: Hi, Marcie. Teacher: Sit down. Marcie takes the chair on the end of the second row. Teacher: Okay, class, let's get started. Everybody turn to page fifty- four of your texts. Marcie opens her book and flips through to page fifty-four. The title of chapter eleven reads 'Assassination and Infiltration'. Marcie: Cool!

{"type": "series", "show": "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "episode": "01x11 - Out of Mind, Out of Sight"}

foreverdreaming

In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. The Bronze at night. Cut inside to Xander and Willow sitting at a table. Xander: You know how I feel about you. It's, uh, pretty obvious, isn't it? There's never been anyone else for me... but you. And we're good friends, and it's time to take the next step. Willow is listening to him dreamily. Xander: Would you, um... date me? Oh that's good! Date me! It's terrible, right? Willow: (comes back to earth) Huh? Oh, no! Oh, yes, 'date me' is silly... Xander: See, what I should do is I should just start with talking about the dance. (clears his throat) Y'know, Buffy, Spring Fling just isn't any dance. It's a time for students to choose, um... a mate and then we can... observe their... mating rituals and tag them before they migrate. Just k*ll me! Willow: You're doing fine! Xander: Why's it so hard? I should just walk up to her and say, 'Hey, I like you. Let's go to the dance together.' Willow: Direct and to the point. Xander: I'm ready. I wanna do it now. I *gotta* do it now. Willow: Oh, Buffy's not here. You can practice on me some more. Xander: No, no, I can't wait until tomorrow, I-I'll be thinking about it too much. Why didn't Buffy show up tonight? What's she doing? Willow: Oh, you know, the usual. Cut to the park. A car is parked in the distance with its windows all fogged up. Buffy comes falling into the field of view in slow motion and hits the ground hard on her back and exhales. Cut inside the car. Cordelia breaks off her kiss with Kevin. Cordelia: What was that? Kevin: What was what? Cut outside. Buffy props herself up. A vampire approaches her and growls. Cut inside the car. Cordelia: Someone's out there. Kevin: That's silly! Who would be out there? Cut outside. Buffy rolls in a reverse somersault and comes up standing, ready to fight. The vampire growls at her. She pulls a stake out from under her jacket behind her back and holds it pointing out from her hips so the vampire can see. He frowns at the sight of it as Buffy puts on an evil smile. This infuriates the vampire and he launches himself at her. She hits him with an out-to-in crescent kick, and then follows up with a high front snap kick, stunning him. She immediately plunges the stake home, and he falls over backward and bursts into ashes when he hits the ground. Buffy: Three in one night. Giles would be so proud. Cut to the roof of the library. The camera pans over to the skylight and looks in. Giles is at the table researching. He gets up and goes into his office to make some tea. Cut to Giles' office. He sits down at his desk with his cup of tea and reads the text of the Codex. Giles: Ho korias phanaytie toutay... tay nuktee. 'The Master shall rise...' Yes, yes, this is it! 'The Master shall rise, and the Slayer...' (looks up in disbelief) My God! He considers what he's just read for a moment and then reaches for his tea. The cup begins to jiggle, and he looks at it curiously. A few seconds later the whole building begins to shake, and he realizes he's experiencing his first earthquake. He gets up and looks around at everything shaking. His teacup vibrates off of the desk and smashes to pieces on the floor. Cut to the Bronze. The people panic. Xander grabs Willow and guides her away. Xander: Under the stairs! Under the stairs! They get under the stairs, and Willow grabs onto a step from underneath to steady herself. Someone rushing down the stairs nearly steps on her fingers, and she yelps as she pulls her hand back. Cut to Cordelia's car. She and Kevin hold on as they ride out the quake. Cut outside. Buffy looks around her at the shaking trees. Car alarms are going off everywhere. Cut to the library. Giles comes out of his office and sees several bookshelves fall over as the walls and the floor sustain severe damage. Cut to the Master's lair. He stands with his arms stretched out above him. Master: Yes! YES! Shake, Earth! This is a sign! We are in the final days! My time has come! Glory! GLORY! The quake is over as quickly as it started. The Master looks over at Collin. Master: Whadaya think? 5.1? Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Giles comes out of his office and walks over to the cage. Buffy comes in. Buffy: Morning! She looks around at all the damage. Giles looks at her like he's just seen a ghost. Buffy: Wow. The damage looks fairly structural. Are we safe in here? Giles: Buffy! Buffy: What? Do I have something on my face? (pats her face) Giles: No! Uh, and, and yes, we're, we're safe. (indicates the stacks) Uh, but probably best not to go up there. Buffy: How're you doin' there, Giles? Get much sleep last night? Giles: Um... I-I-I've been working. Buffy: Me, too. I went hunting last night, and it is awfully sweet of you to ask. It's getting hairy out there, Giles. I k*lled three vampires last night, and one of them was practically on school grounds. Giles: Their numbers are increasing. Buffy: And they're getting cockier. Look, I'm not loving it. Last night was a pretty close call. Giles: (distracted) Yes. Buffy: Giles, care? I'm putting my life on the line battling the undead. Look, I broke a nail, okay? I'm wearing a press-on. The least you could do is exhibit some casual interest. You could go, 'hmm'. Giles: (still distracted) Hmm? Oh, sorry. Um, yes, I'm very glad that you're alright. Uh, I-I need to verify, um... I just can't really talk right now. Buffy: Fine. That's okay. I can't put it off any longer. I have to meet my terrible fate. Giles: (turns around quickly) What?! Buffy: Biology. The bell rings as Buffy leaves the library to go to class. Giles watches her go. Cut outside after class. Buffy, Xander and Willow come out of the doors onto the balcony and head down the stairs. Buffy: (exhales) Wow. That was boring. Xander: I don't feel that boring covers it. Buffy: No, boring falls short. Willow: Even I was bored. And I'm a science nerd. Buffy: Don't say that. Willow: I'm not ashamed. It's the computer age. Nerds are in. They're still in, right? Xander: Willow, don't you have a thing? Willow: A thing? (remembers) The thing! That I have! Which is... a thing that I have to go to. They reach the bottom of the stairs. Willow: See ya later. (waves and departs) Buffy: What on earth is her deal? Xander: Uh, she's Willow. (laughs) So, uh, Buffy, I wanted to, um... There was this thing I wanted to ask you, to talk to you about. Buffy: Okay, what's up? Xander: Uh, let's go over here and sit. He leads her over to a bench. Buffy: Okay, now you're making me nervous. Xander: Oh, no, no, there's nothing to be nervous about. Really, it's silly. Ha, ha! (laughs nervously) They reach the bench, but a boy is sitting there. Xander: (to the boy) Hey. (the boy looks up) Leave. (the boy leaves) Thanks. (they sit) Buffy: Well? Xander: Um... You know, Buffy, uh, Spring Fling is a... time for students to gather and... Oh, God! (takes a breath) Buffy, I want you to go to the dance with me. You and me, on a date. Buffy: (speechless) I-I don't know what to say. Xander: Well, you're not laughing. So that's a good start. Buffy, I like you. A lot. And I know we're friends, and we've had experiences... We've fought some blood-sucking fiends, and that's all been a good time. But I want more. I wanna dance with you. Buffy: Xander, you're one of my best friends. You and Willow... Xander: Well, Willow's not looking to date you. Or if she is, she's playing it pretty close to the chest. (laughs nervously) Buffy: I don't want to spoil the friendship that we have. Xander: Well, I don't want to spoil it either. But that's not the point, is it? You either feel a thing or you don't. Buffy: (looks down a moment, then back up) I don't. Xander, I'm, I'm sorry. I-I just don't think of you that way. Xander: Well, try. I'll wait. (smiles weakly) Buffy: Xander... Xander: Nah. Forget it. (gets up) I'm not him. I mean, I guess a guy's gotta be undead to make time with you. Buffy: That's really harsh. Xander: Look, I'm sorry. I don't handle rejection well. Funny! Considering all the practice I've had, huh? Buffy: Xander, I'm sorry, I don't know... Xander: You know what? Let's just not. He goes into the building with his head hung low. Buffy exhales, bummed. She turns and watches him leave. Cut to the library. Giles is on the phone. Giles: Hello. Uh, this is Giles. Uh... Uh, Rupert Giles. Ms. Calendar walks in and stands by his office door. Giles: (into the phone) I-I need to see you. No, I-I realize that. Uh... Come after sundown. Good. I'll see you then. (hangs up) Ms. Calendar: You know, that outfit looks just like the one you wore yesterday. Only wrinklier. Were you here all night? Giles: Sorry, uh... I'm not really up to, uh, socializing just now. Ms. Calendar: Something's going on, Rupert, and I'm guessing you already know what it is. Giles: (turns around and gets up) What do you know? Ms. Calendar: Well, I have been surfing the 'Net, looking for unexplained incidents. You know, people are always sending stuff my way. They know the occult's my turf. Now, here is the latest. A cat last week gave birth to a litter of snakes. A family was swimming in Whisper Lake when the lake suddenly began to boil. And Mercy Hospital last night, a boy was born with his eyes facing inward. I'm not stupid. This is apocalypse stuff. And throw in last night's earthquake, and I'd say we've got a problem. I would say the end is pretty seriously nigh. Giles: I don't know if I can trust you. Ms. Calendar: I helped you cast that demon out of the Internet. I think that merits some trust. Look, I'm scared, okay? Oh, plus, I've got this, this crazy monk e-mailing me from Cortona about some Anointed One? Giles: The Anointed One? He's d*ad! Ms. Calendar: Someone's d*ad? Giles: Uh, who is this monk? Ms. Calendar: Uh, a brother Luca something? Keeps sending out global mailings about a prophecy. Giles: I need you to talk to him, find out everything he knows. Ms. Calendar: Look, Rupert, you haven't told me jack, so what's with the order? Giles: Just do it! I'll e-explain later. Ms. Calendar: You better. Cut to the halls. Kevin: I'll get everything tonight after practice. The guys'll help me. Cordelia: Well, it's all in the A-V room. The sound system, and the decorations... And, oh, Aura needs help, um, moving the coolers. Kevin: Don't sweat it! Cordelia: Well, bring everything to the Bronze, and I'll meet you there in the morning! Kevin: Done! Cordelia: (giggles) You're so sweet! Why're you so sweet? Kevin: I dunno! 'Cause I'm usually mean as a snake! She smiles at him. She spots Willow. Cordelia: Willow! (to Kevin) I'll see you in the morning. Kevin: Okay. (leaves) Cordelia: Willow! I really like your outfit! Willow: No, you don't. Cordelia: No, I really don't, but I need a favor. Willow: What kind? Cordelia: Well, the Bronze won't let us use their sound system, and I need someone who knows how to hook one up. If you could just show up tomorrow morning... Willow sees Xander throwing a ball against the wall in a classroom. Cordelia: ...I'd be really, really grateful! I mean, I'd talk to you at the dance and everything. Willow: Sure. (looks back at Xander) Cordelia: Great! Tomorrow at ten? Willow: Sure. She goes over to Xander in the room. Willow: Hey! Xander: Hey! (throws the ball) Willow: How'd it go? Xander: (throws the ball) On a scale of one to ten? It sucked. (throws the ball) Willow: Oh. Xander: Well, I guess it could be worse. (throws the ball) I could have gangrene on my face. (throws the ball) Willow: Well, what'd she say? Xander: Apart from 'no', does it really matter? She's still jonesin' for Angel, and could care less about me. Willow: At least now you know. Xander: Yeah, you're right. The deal's done. The polls are in, and it's time for my concession speech. (has an idea and brightens) Hey, I know what we'll do! We can go! Be my date! We'll, we'll have a great time! We'll dance, we'll go wild... Whadaya say? Willow: No. Xander: Good! What? Willow: There's no way. Xander: (exhales) Willow, come on! Willow: You think I wanna go to the dance with you and watch you wish you were at the dance with her? You think that's my idea of hijinks? You should know better. Xander: (exhales) I didn't think. Willow: I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. I'll see you on Monday. (leaves) Xander: That's okay. I don't wanna go. I'm just gonna go home, lie down and listen to country music. The music of pain. He throws the ball again and lets it bounce wild. Cut outside the school at night. Cut to the girls' locker room. Buffy shuts her gym locker. Two girls walk by chatting. Buffy plays with a stake as she heads to the sinks and puts it down on one. She looks at herself in the mirror and absently turns on the water. After looking in the mirror another moment she looks down and sees that blood is pouring from the faucet. Cut to the library. Buffy comes in. Buffy: (to herself) Giles, you are not gonna believe this. She stops when she hears Giles talking and looks into his office. Giles: It's clear. It's what's gonna happen. Uh, it's happening now! Angel moves into the light to read the Codex, and Buffy sees him. Buffy: Angel? She heads toward the office. Angel: It can't be. You've gotta be wrong. Giles: I've checked it against all my other volumes. It's very real. Buffy stops at the door. Angel: Well, there's gotta be some way around it. Giles: Listen. Some prophecies are, are a bit dodgy. They're, they're mutable. Buffy herself has, has thwarted them time and time again, but this is the Codex. There is nothing in it that does not come to pass. Angel: Then you're reading it wrong. Giles: I wish to God I were! But it's very plain! Tomorrow night Buffy will face the Master, and she will die. Buffy is stunned. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ Giles' office. Angel: Well, have you verified the text? Buffy begins to laugh. Angel and Giles see her and exchange a look. She slowly starts to walk away from the office door. Angel comes out of the office after her. She stops by the table and faces them. Giles stands in his office doorway. Buffy: So that's it, huh? I remember the drill. One Slayer dies, next one's called! Wonder who she is. (to Giles) Will you train her? Or will they send someone else? Giles: Buffy, I... Buffy: They say how he's gonna k*ll me? Do you think it'll hurt? Tears are flowing freely from her eyes. Angel tries to hug her, but she puts up her hands and quickly steps away. Buffy: Don't touch me! (to Giles) Were you even gonna tell me? Giles: I was hoping that I wouldn't have to. That there was... some way around it. I... Buffy: I've got a way around it. I quit! Angel: It's not that simple. Buffy: I'm making it that simple! I quit! I resign, I-I'm fired, you can find someone else to stop the Master from taking over! Giles: I'm not sure that anyone else can. All the... the signs indicate... Buffy: The signs? (throws a book at him) READ ME THE SIGNS! (throws another one) TELL ME MY FORTUNE! YOU'RE SO USEFUL SITTING HERE WITH ALL YOUR BOOKS! YOU'RE REALLY A LOTTA HELP! Giles: No, I don't suppose I am. Angel: I know this is hard. Buffy: What do you know about this? You're never gonna die! Angel: You think I want anything to happen to you? Do you think I could stand it? We just gotta figure out a way... Buffy: I already did. I quit, remember? Pay attention! Giles: Buffy, if the Master rises... Buffy: (yanks the cross from her neck) I don't care! (calms down) I don't care. Giles, I'm sixteen years old. I don't wanna die. Giles is at a loss. Buffy throws her cross down. Angel doesn't know what to say either. She walks out of the library without looking back. Cut to Willow's room. She's at her desk studying. She looks up at a picture of her and Xander and sighs. She picks up the phone and dials his number. Cut to Xander's room. "I Fall to Pieces", by Patsy Cline, is playing on the radio. Lyrics: I fall to pieces The phone rings. Xander lifts it off the hook, lets it drop back on the hook and then takes it off the hook completely. Lyrics: Each time I see you again Cut to Buffy's room. She's looking through a photo album. Jonatha Brooke's "Inconsolable" is playing on the radio. Her mother comes in. Lyrics: I never knew what enough was Joyce: Hi, honey. You alright? Lyrics: Until I'd had more than my share Buffy: Sure. Joyce: Probably just full from that bite of dinner you nearly had. Lyrics: I let the darkness in Joyce: Feel like telling me what's on your mind? Lyrics: And it was then I lost the dare Buffy: (turns to her mom) Mom, let's go away! (smiles) Joyce: What? Buffy: Anywhere, just for a while, all weekend! Joyce: Honey, I... Buffy: No, it'll be great! You and me, a mother-daughter thing... We can talk about all the embarrassing things you love to bring up. Joyce: You know the gallery's open on weekends. Buffy: Mom, please! Joyce: Isn't the Prom tomorrow night? Or Spring Fling, whatever they're calling it? Buffy: I-I guess. Joyce: Nobody asked you? Buffy: Oh, someone... Joyce: But not the right someone. See, sometimes I actually do know what you're thinking. (goes over to Buffy's closet) Well, then, uh, this probably isn't the best time for this, but, uh... She opens the closet to reveal a beautiful white sleeveless gown. Joyce: I saw you eyeing it at the store. I figured... Buffy: (gets up) Mom, we can't afford this. Joyce: The way you've been eating, we can afford it. Buffy: (comes over to look at it) It's beautiful. Joyce: I think you should wear it. To the dance. Buffy: No, I-I can't go to the dance. Joyce: Says who? Is it written somewhere? You should do what you want. Homecoming, my freshman year of college. I didn't have a date, so I got dressed up and I went anyway. Buffy: Was it awful? Joyce: It was awful. For about an hour. Buffy: Then what happened? Joyce: (smiles) I met your father. Buffy: He didn't have a date either? Joyce: He did. And that's a much funnier story that you will *not* get to hear. Oh, but it was a beautiful night! (exhales) Buffy: And you had your whole life ahead of you. Joyce: Yeah. Buffy: Must be nice. Cut to the school the next day. Cut inside to the halls. Cordelia and Willow are coming down the stairs. Cordelia: Oh, Kevin said that he'd bring everything to the Bronze last night. He promised! We'll never get everything ready in time. Willow: He probably forgot. It's not *that* big a deal. Cordelia: Uh, you don't understand. I'm not mad! He totally flaked on me. On me! And I don't even care. God help me, I think it's cute! Oh... Willow smiles. They reach the Audio-Visual room. They see Kevin and his friends through the windows. Cordelia: There they are! They're watching cartoons. That's so cu... That's not cute. That's annoying. I'm annoyed. Willow: Right. I'm furious. Cordelia: Men. I don't know why we put up with them. Willow: I hear ya. Cut to a view of the door from inside the room. Kevin is sitting on the floor leaning against it. The room is trashed and the boys are all d*ad. Cordelia: Obviously, Kevin has underestimated the power of my icy stare. She opens the door, and Kevin's body falls out into the hall. He has a vampire bite on his neck. Cordelia: (screams) Oh, my God! Kevin! (kneels by him) No! Willow looks up and slowly goes into the room. She sees the death and devastation. Cordelia: Kevin! There's a bloody handprint on the TV screen. Cut to Buffy's room. She's wearing her new white prom gown, and is looking at herself in the mirror. Her mom comes rushing in. Joyce: Buffy?! There's something on the news. Willow. Cut to a view of the sunset. Willow: I've seen so much. Cut to her room. She's on the bed hugging her knees. She's been crying. Willow: I thought I could take anything. But, Buffy, this... this was different. Buffy: It'll be alright. Willow: I'm trying to think how to say it... to explain it so you understand. Buffy: It doesn't matter as long as you're okay. Willow: I'm not okay. I knew those guys. I go to that room every day. And when I walked in there, it... it wasn't our world anymore. They made it theirs. And they had fun. (a tear rolls down her cheek) What are we gonna do? Buffy: What we have to. (gets up and exhales) Promise me you'll stay in tonight, okay? Willow nods. Buffy starts to go. Willow: Buffy? Buffy stops and turns back. Willow: (smiles through her tears) I like your dress. Buffy looks down at it and smiles weakly, then looks back up. Buffy: Take care. (leaves) Willow looks down sadly and stays on her bed. Cut to the Master's lair. He tests his confines as Collin watches. Master: Soon. He sends Collin on his way to get Buffy. Collin climbs up to the exit. Master: Soon! Cut to the library. Giles is getting w*apon out of the cage and prepares them. Ms. Calendar: Okay, so this Master guy tried to open the Hellmouth. But he got stuck in it, and now all the signs are reading that he's gonna get out, which opens the Hellmouth, which brings the demons, which ends the world. Giles: Yes. That about sums it up, yes. Ms. Calendar: The part that gets me, though, is where Buffy is the Vampire Slayer. She's so little. Giles: You know how to get in touch with this, uh, brother Luca chap? Ms. Calendar: Hmm. As far as I can tell, no one can. He's disappeared. Did send out one last global though. A short one. Giles: What did it say? Ms. Calendar: Isaiah 11:6, which I dutifully looked up. Giles: 'The wolf shall live with the lamb, the leopard shall lie down with the kid, the calf, the lion and the fatling together, and the little child to lead them.' Ms. Calendar: That's kinda warm and fuzzy for a message of doom. Giles: Well, that depends where he's leading them to. Aurelius wrote of the Anointed One, 'The Slayer will not know him, and he will lead her into Hell.' Ms. Calendar: So Luca thinks the Anointed is a kid. Giles: If the vampire that Buffy k*lled was in fact not the Anointed, then it may well be. Ms. Calendar: Well, then we need to warn her. Giles: I don't intend involving her at all. Ms. Calendar: What do you mean? Giles: Buffy's not gonna face the Master. I am. Buffy: No, you're not. Giles and Ms. Calendar look over and see her approaching. Buffy: So, I'm looking for a kid, huh? And he'll lead me to the Master? Giles: Buffy, I'm not gonna send you out there to die. Now, you were right. I-I've waded around in these old books for so long, I've forgotten what the real world is like. I-it's time I found out. Buffy: You're still not going up against the Master. Giles: I've made up my mind. Buffy: So have I. Giles: I made up my mine first! I'm older and wiser than you, and just... just do what you're told for once! Alright? Buffy: That's not how it goes. I'm the Slayer. Giles: I don't care what the books say. I defy prophecy, and I am going. There's nothing you can say will change my mind. Buffy: I know. She pretends to turn to go, but then throws a hard punch to his face, knocking him out. He falls backward to the floor. Ms. Calendar scrambles to his aid. Buffy sees her cross on the table and puts it back on. Ms. Calendar lifts Giles' head in her hands and gets under it with her knees. She looks up at Buffy. Buffy: When he wakes up tell him... I don't know. Think of something cool, tell him I said it. Ms. Calendar: You fight the Master, and you'll die. Buffy: Maybe. (picks up the crossbow) Maybe I'll take him with me. She leaves the library. Ms. Calendar turns her attention to Giles. Cut outside the school. Buffy walks a short distance, looking all around, when she comes upon Collin. Collin: Help me... She lowers the crossbow and walks over to him. Buffy: It's okay. I know who you are. Collin holds out his hand. She takes it, and he starts to lead her away to the Master. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Willow and Xander are there, and have found out that Buffy has gone to fight the Master. Xander: She what? Willow: I told you there was something going on with her. Xander: And she knew about this prophecy of yours? (Giles nods) Aw, man, what do we do? Giles: We stay calm, first thing. Xander: Calm? Willow: I think he's right. Xander: I'm sorry, calm may work for Locutus of the Borg here, (indicates Giles) but I'm freaked out, and I intend to stay that way. Willow: Xander... Xander: How could you let her go? Giles: As the soon-to-be-purple area of my jaw will attest, I did *not* *let* her go! Willow: Well, how can we help her? Ms. Calendar: Uh, I'm sorry to bring this up, but we also have an apocalypse to worry about? Xander: Do you mind? Willow: How come she's in the club? Ms. Calendar: Hey! Once the Master gets free, the Hellmouth opens, the demons come to party, and everybody dies. Xander: Uh, uh, I don't care. I'm sorry, I don't. Right now I gotta help Buffy. Giles: We don't even know where she's gone. Xander: No. But I can find out. Cut to the tunnels. Collin guides Buffy in. She has the crossbow up and ready. He leads her down some stairs and into a round side tunnel. Cut to Angel's apartment. There's knocking at the door and Angel comes to answer, wondering who it could be. Angel: Oh. Look who's here. Xander: Mind if I come in? (comes in) Angel: (closes the door) Make yourself at home. Xander: She's gone. Angel: Whadaya mean? Xander: Buffy, she's gone to fight the Master. Angel: He'll k*ll her. Xander: Rumor has it. Only we're not gonna let it happen. Angel: Well, what do you propose we do about it? Xander: Look, I know you can find this Master guy. He's underground, right? Take me to him. Angel: You're way outta your league, kid. The Master'll k*ll you before you can even breathe. If you're lucky. Xander: How can I say this clearly? He holds up a cross. Angel growls. Xander advances toward him, and he backs off until he falls onto the couch. Xander: I don't like you. At the end of the day, I pretty much think you're a vampire. (lowers the cross) But Buffy's got this big old yen for you. She thinks you're a real person. And right now I need you to prove her right. Angel: You're in love with her. Xander: Aren't you? Cut to the library. Giles comes out of the stacks with an armful of books. Giles: The Master is as old as any vampire on record. There's no telling how powerful he'll be if he reaches the surface. Ms. Calendar: Okay, here's my question: the Hellmouth opens. Giles: Yes. Ms. Calendar: Where? If he's underground, and it's right where he is, where's it gonna open? Giles: Good point. Uh, well, look, you have a look through the Black Chronicles... (hands her one of the books) Ms. Calendar: Okay. Giles: Uh, Willow? Willow? Willow: Huh? Giles: (sits down at the table) Could you look through the local histories, please. Check for any common denominators, uh, locations of incidences and such. Willow: Right, okay. Cut to the entrance of the Master's lair. Collin stops, and Buffy looks at him. He points down below, inviting her to enter, and leaves the way they came. Buffy watches him go. Then she turns and makes her way down to the floor below. She looks around. There are hundreds of candles burning everywhere. Master: Welcome. The Master's voice seems to be coming from all directions. Buffy: Thanks for having me. The Master steps into the light to look at her. Buffy: Y'know, you really oughtta talk to your contractor. Looks like you got some water damage. Master: Oh, good. The feeble banter portion of the fight. Why don't we just cut to the... Buffy spins around and launches a bolt in the direction of his voice. With his lightning reflexes the Master catches it in mid-flight right in front of him at chest level. Buffy quickly reloads the bow. Master: Nice sh*t. Cut to the tunnels. Xander and Angel reach an intersection and stop. Angel looks in both directions, trying to remember the way. He remembers and walks past Xander. Angel: (quietly) This way. (looks at Xander) What? Xander: You were looking at my neck. Angel: What? Xander: You were checking out my neck! I saw that! (starts following) Angel: No, I wasn't! Xander: Just keep your distance, pal. Angel: I wasn't looking at your neck! Xander: I told you to eat before we left. Cut to the Master's lair. Master: You're not going to k*ll me with that thing. Buffy: Don't be so sure. Master: You still don't understand your part in all this, do you? You are not the hunter. You are the lamb. Cut to the library. Giles and Ms. Calendar are at the table studying their volumes. Giles: Well, let's think about this, then. The vampires have been gathering, they know he's coming, they will be his army. Ms. Calendar: Do you think they'll gather at the Hellmouth? Willow: Well, the last time the Master tried to rise was the Harvest. He sent a bunch of vampires to get him fresh blood. Ms. Calendar: Well, where did that go down? Giles: The Bronze. Willow: The Prom! Giles: We have to warn them. Ms. Calendar: (stops Giles) No! We'll go. You have to concentrate on demon k*lling. My car's in the lot. Willow and Ms. Calendar start out of the library. Giles: Stay close together, and for goodness' sake, be careful! Willow: We will. Cut to the Master's lair. Buffy is slowly walking around, searching for the Master. She comes upon a d*ad and rotted body. She continues her search. Buffy: You know, for someone who's all powerful, you sure do like to hide. Master: I'm waiting for you. I want this moment to last. Buffy: Well, I don't. She searches for a few moments longer, then the Master suddenly comes to stand right behind her. Master: I understand. She turns around and the Master knocks the crossbow out of her hands. He grabs her by the neck. Cut to the school parking lot. Ms. Calendar digs in her bag for her keys as she and Willow head for her car. Willow: What if they get to the Bronze before we do? (looks behind them) Ms. Calendar: (looks up and stops) Don't need to worry about that! Willow: (catches up) Why not? Ms. Calendar: 'Cause they're not goin' to the Bronze. They look out onto the field and see a hoard of vampires approaching. They look across the parking lot and see more of them. They turn to go back and see even more of them blocking their way. They're surrounded. Cut to the Master's lair. He has his hand around Buffy's throat. She swings up with her arm, knocks his hand away and starts to run. He holds his hand out toward her and she freezes, caught by his hypnotic powers. She looks back at him and can't move. He approaches her, making slow twisting motions with his hand. He comes up behind her, gently takes off her leather jacket and lets it fall to the ground. Buffy is panting hard with fear. Master: You tried. It was noble of you. You heard the prophecy that I was about to break free and you came to stop me. But prophecies are tricky creatures. They don't tell you everything. (whispers) You're the one that sets me free! (gloats) If you hadn't come, I couldn't go. (whispers) Think about that! Buffy is frozen with fear. The Master waits a moment longer and then bends down and bites her at the base of her neck. He drinks a few sips and lets her go. Master: Oh, God! The power! Buffy falls to her knees. Master: And by the way... She falls face down into the pool of water. Master: I like your dress. He steps over to the edge of his confines and pushes against the field. He forces his hand through, and his confines break down in a burst of light and energy. He starts up and out of his lair. Cut to the tunnels. Angel and Xander see the light coming out of an adjoining tunnel. Xander: What was that? Angel: It's too late. He's gone up. They break into a run for the Master's lair. Angel gets there first, looks around and spots Buffy. He scrambles down to the floor and rushes to her as Xander reaches the lair's entrance. Xander stops and stares at Buffy in the pool. Angel reaches her and quickly pulls her out of the water. He holds her and tries to listen for breathing. Nothing. He looks up at Xander. Angel: She's d*ad! Xander looks down at them and swallows hard. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The Master's lair. Xander comes down to Angel and Buffy. Xander: No. She's not d*ad. Angel: She's not breathing. Xander: But if she drowned, uh, there's a sh*t! CPR! Angel: You have to do it. I have no breath. Xander takes off his jacket and lays it over her. He kneels down by her face and looks at her a moment, then puts his mouth on hers and blows into her lungs. He lets go and begins to pump her chest. Xander: C'mon. C'mon! Cut to the school parking lot. The vampires are advancing on Willow and Ms. Calendar. Ms. Calendar: Why are they coming here? Willow: Not caring! They hear a car screech to a stop behind them. Cordelia: Get in! Cut to the Master's lair. Xander breathes into her lungs again and continues to pump her chest. Xander: C'mon! Breathe! Breathe! Angel looks down in sorrow, then looks back up. Xander keeps pumping. Xander: C'mon! After another moment Xander stops pumping. Angel believes her lost. A second later Buffy opens her eyes wide and draws a breath. She lies still for a moment as she looks around with her eyes. Xander: Buffy! She turns her head to the side and coughs out a bunch of water. Xander and Angel look at each other and smile. Xander puts his hand on Buffy's forehead and strokes it gently. She looks up at him, surprised to see him. Xander: Buffy. Buffy: Xander? Xander: Welcome back. Cut to the school parking lot. Ms. Calendar and Willow run into the car. Cordelia: I was sitting where Kevin and I used to park, and all of a sudden these things are coming at me! They all scream as a vampire jumps on top of the car. Ms. Calendar: What do we do now? Willow: We've gotta get to the library! Cordelia: Library! Great! She burns rubber and makes a fast U-turn, throwing the vampire off of the roof of her car, and heads toward the school building. The car's engine races as Cordelia g*n it toward the doors. Willow: Of course, we generally walk there. They crash through the doors and into the hall. Cut to the library. Giles hears the noise. Giles: What the... Cut to the halls. The car comes crashing through another set of doors and skids to a stop in front of the library. Cut inside. Giles gets up from the table. Cut to the hall. Vampires are running into the hall as the girls get out of the car, screaming as they run into the library. They push the doors closed just as the vampires get there. Cut inside. They lean against the door. Giles: What's happening? Ms. Calendar: Guess! A vampire punches through the small round window in one of the doors and grabs at them. Giles grabs a bookcase and carries it over to the door. Willow grabs a sign and starts hitting the vampire's arm with it. Giles gets the bookcase in place. He grabs the copier and pulls it over, too. Giles: Why are they coming here?! Cut to a sh*t of them from the back of the library. A green tentacle is worming its way up through the cracks in the floor. Cut to the roof of the library. The Master opens the roof access door and walks out. He looks at the view around him of the town at night and smiles. He exhales, walks to the edge of the roof and holds his arms out as he surveys the scene. Master: My world! Oh, my beautiful world! Cut to the Master's lair. Xander and Angel help Buffy up. Xander: Easy. Easy. Buffy: (standing now) The Master? Angel: He's gone up. Buffy starts to go. Xander: No. You're still weak. Buffy: (stops) No. No, I feel strong. I feel different. (looks back at them) Let's go! Cut to the library. They pile more things in front of the door. Giles looks at the back of the library and sees vampires trying to get in. Giles: (points) They're coming in through the stacks! Ms. Calendar: (to Willow) C'mon! She and Willow run to the back of the library. Ms. Calendar: The bookshelves! They lift a bookcase against the French doors that lead to the stacks and lean against it. Giles: My office... He goes to secure his office, leaving Cordelia alone at the main doors. The tentacle inches toward Willow's leg. Another vampire punches through the other library door window and grabs Cordelia's arm. She screams. Cordelia: Somebody help! Cut outside. Buffy marches determinedly toward the school with Xander and Angel close behind. Xander: So, how do you know where the Master's going? Buffy: I know. A vampire tries to block their way into the school. Buffy: Oh, look, a bad guy. She punches him on her way by, and he falls flat on his back. Cut inside to the stairs leading to the roof. Buffy comes around the corner in the hall. Buffy: Okay, you two wait here, keep the rest of the vampires off me. Xander: Right. Buffy: Angel, better put on your game face. Angel: (vamped out) I'm ready. Buffy: One way or another, this won't take long. She looks at them both once more and then heads up to the roof. Cut to the library. Cordelia hits the vampire's hand and then bites it. The vampire screams and lets go. Cordelia: See how *you* like it! Cut to the back. Willow: This won't keep 'em out for long! She looks down and sees the tentacle wrap itself around her ankle and screams loudly. Ms. Calendar grabs hold of her. Ms. Calendar: GILES! GILES! Giles comes running out of his office in time to see a huge, green, multi-headed and tentacled demon burst through the floor. Giles: The Hellmouth! Cordelia can't believe what she's seeing. The creature has three heads and reaches all the way to the ceiling. Cut to the roof. The Master looks in through the skylight and claps his hands idly. Master: Yes. Come forth, my child. Come into my world. Buffy: I don't think it's yours just yet. The Master turns his head and stares at her in surprise. Master: You're d*ad! Buffy: I may be d*ad, but I'm still pretty. Which is more than I can say for you. Master: You were destined to die! It was written! Buffy: What can I say? I flunked the written. The Master growls and reaches his arm out to try his hypnosis on her again. Master: Come here! Cut inside the library. Willow screams as the Hellmouth creature tries to drag her away from Ms. Calendar. Ms. Calendar: GIIILES! Giles grabs an ax from the table and rushes up the stairs to their aid. Ms. Calendar: GILES! He swings it into one of the heads, and the creature roars in agony as the women continue to scream. Cut to the roof. Buffy slowly approaches the Master, apparently hypnotized. He grabs her by the throat again. Master: Did you really think you could best me here when you couldn't below? (lets go of her neck) Buffy: (looks at him curiously) You have fruit punch mouth. Master: What? She swings a wide hard punch to his mouth, and he falls down. Buffy: Save the hypnosis crap for the tourists. As he gets up she does a swinging roundhouse kick that connects squarely with his face. He swipes at her and she jerks back, but he manages to slice her with his fingernails across her upper right chest, drawing blood. She punches him in the kidney. He punches her in the jaw. She tries to punch him again, but he blocks her and punches her in the face, sending her flying backward into the wall behind her. Cut inside. Giles swings again with the ax and hits the creature. He tries again, but this time it knocks him off of the mezzanine and onto the large table below. It breaks when Giles hits it, and one side falls over onto its end, leaving a huge spike pointing upward. Cut to the bottom of the stairs. Two vampires att*ck Angel and Xander. Angel starts to fight the one while the other jumps on Xander's back. He holds his cross up to her and she jumps off. Angel stakes the one he's fighting and Xander punches out the other. Cut to the library. One of the creature's heads hovers above Giles. Another one faces Willow and laughs. Cut to the roof. The Master is ready to continue fighting. Buffy launches herself into a front tuck over his head and lands between him and the skylight. She kicks him in the side with a side snap kick, but he quickly turns around and grabs her by the neck again. Master: Where are your jibes now? She looks behind her and sees the upended table through the skylight. Master: You laugh when my Hell is on Earth? Buffy: You're that amped about Hell... (grabs him by the neck) Go there! She lifts him up and flips him over herself and through the skylight. He falls down and is impaled on the table. He slowly turns to ash until only his skeleton is left. Buffy watches from above. Giles gets up. The Hellmouth creature quickly disappears back into the floor. The vampires are all gone. Cut to the main library doors. Cordelia pushes the last of the junk away from them and pulls the door open for Buffy, Angel and Xander. They all walk over to the Master. Giles: The vampires? Cordelia: Gone. Angel: The Master? Giles: d*ad. The Hellmouth is closed. Buffy... Buffy? Buffy: Oh, sorry. It's just been a really weird day. (smiles) Xander: Yeah! Buffy died, and everything! Willow: Wow! Harsh. Giles: I should have known that wouldn't stop you. Buffy smiles up at him again. Ms. Calendar: Well, what do we do now? Giles: I don't know about the rest of you, but I'd like to get out of this place. I don't like the library very much anymore. Xander: Hey! I hear there's a dance at the Bronze tonight. Could be fun. Cordelia: Yeah! Willow: Buffy? Buffy: Sure! We saved the world. I say we party! (looks down at her dress) I mean, I got all pretty. Ms. Calendar: And what about him? (indicates the Master) Buffy: (looks at the Master) He's not going anywhere. Loser. They all start to go and chatter. Buffy trails the group. Giles: (to Ms. Calendar) I'm not dancing, though. Ms. Calendar: We'll see. Willow: (to Angel) You can come with us, Angel. Buffy: I'm hungry. Xander: So what's the story with the car? Cordelia: Oh, that was me, saving the day! Willow: (to Angel) Get something to drink. Buffy: Is anybody else hungry? Willow: (to Angel) Well, no, don't do that. Just hang. Buffy: I'm really, really hungry. Angel hangs back with Buffy. Angel: By the way, I really like your dress. Buffy: Yeah, yeah. Big h*t with everyone. The camera pans back and up for a sh*t of the Master's skeleton from above.

{"type": "series", "show": "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "episode": "01x12 - Prophecy Girl"}

foreverdreaming

~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~ In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. The cemetery. The camera pans across it and over to the sidewalk along the border. Willow and Xander are on their way home. Xander has an ice cream cone and takes an occasional lick. Willow: Okay, um... Xander: It's your turn. Willow: I, alright, okay, uh... 'In the few hours that we had together, we loved a lifetime's worth.' Xander: Terminator. Willow: Good! Great. Xander: Um, oh, okay, I got one. (imitating Charlton Heston) 'It's a madhouse! A mad...' Willow: (interrupts) Planet of the Apes. Xander: Can I finish, please? Willow: Oh! Sorry, go ahead. Xander: '...house!' (indicates she may answer) Willow: Planet of the Apes. Okay, good. Me. Uh... Xander: Well? Willow: I'm thinking. 'Use the Force, Luke.' Xander: Do I even have to dignify that with a guess? Willow: I couldn't think of anything. It's a dumb game anyway. Xander: Well, what else do you wanna do? We already played rock, paper, scissors. My hands cramped up. Willow: Well, yes, if you're always scissors of course your tendons are gonna strain... Xander: (interrupts) Y'know, I just gotta say that this has been the most boring summer ever. Willow: Yeah, but on the plus side no monsters or stuff. She steps over to the wall and hops up to sit on it. Xander: I'm just so restless! I'm actually looking forward to school startin' up again. Willow: Yeah, and that wouldn't have anything to do with a certain girl we both know who is a Vampire Slayer? Xander: Please, I'm so over her. Did she, uh, mention when she might be gettin' back? About which I do not care. Willow: I haven't heard from her. I got a couple postcards when she went to L.A., but then, like, nothing. Xander: Well, she's probably with her dad having a good time. Willow: And you don't care? Xander: Well, okay, there might be some interest. I'm a man. I have certain desires, certain needs... Willow: Uhhh! I don't wanna know. Xander: I got a movie for ya! (taps her nose with his ice cream) Willow: (surprised) Xander! Xander: You're Amish! You can't fight back... 'cause you're Amish! I mock you with my ice cream cone, Amish guy! Willow: Witness. (pouty) My nose is cold. Xander: Let me get that for ya. (leans in to lick off her nose) Willow: Xander! (stops him) Xander: I'm sorry, I can't help myself. Your nose looks so tasty. He reaches up with his napkin and gently wipes off her nose. He takes much longer than he needs to and looks into her eyes. He brushes his hand against her cheek. After another moment he starts to move in for a kiss. She responds in kind and tilts her head. They stop just short of making contact and linger there a moment. Xander finally begins to pull back, and when he does he sees a vampire standing on the other side of the wall. Willow notices his glance and looks, too. She screams and jumps off of the wall as Xander pulls her away from the vampire. Xander: Willow, go! He puts himself between her and the vampire. She doesn't go, but watches as he punches the vampire in the face. The vampire isn't fazed. He grabs Xander and tries to bite. Xander struggles with him to keep from being bitten. After a few moments of wrestling a hand grabs the vampire by the shoulder and pulls him off of Xander. It's a girl, and she punches the vampire in the face, knees him in the crotch and flips him over onto his back. She turns to Willow and Xander. Buffy: Hi, guys! The vampire gets up. Buffy turns her attention back to him and kicks him in the chest, sending him flying into a tree, where he gets impaled on a d*ad branch and bursts into ashes. She turns back to Willow and Xander. Buffy: Miss me? Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ On the sidewalk. Willow: Buffy! Xander: Hey! (hugs her) Buffy: Hey. Hey, Will! (hugs her) Xander: (hugs Buffy again) Man, your timing really doesn't suck. (laughs) Willow: When'd you get back? Buffy: Uh, just now. Dad drove me down. And I figured you two losers would be getting into some kind of trouble. Willow: I think we had the upper hand. I-in a subtle way. Buffy: Does either of you even have a cross? Very sloppy. Xander: Well, it's been a slow summer. I mean, that's the first vampire we've seen since you k*lled the Master. Buffy: It's like they knew I was coming back. They start to walk. Xander: So, what about you? How was your summer? Did you slay anything? Buffy: No. Uh, just hung out, partied some, shopping was also a major theme. Xander: Well, you haven't lost your touch. That vampire... Buffy: I did kinda whale on him, didn't I? Xander: (notices) I like your hair. Buffy: (giggles) So, how did you guys fare? Did you have any fun without me? Xander: No. Willow: Yes! Xander: Uh, our summer was kinda yawnworthy. Our biggest excitement was burying the Master. They stop walking. Willow: That's right, you missed it. (points) Right out by that tree. (Buffy looks) Giles buried the bones and we poured holy water and we got to wear robes. Xander: Very intense. You shoulda been. Willow: Have you seen Giles? Buffy: Why would I do that? I'll see him at school. Xander: Man, I'm really glad you're back. Buffy: (looks at the tree again) Me, too. Cut to Buffy's room. Her dad is helping her mom unpack her things. Joyce opens a suitcase and looks through it. Hank: Okay, then. This is the last of it. (puts another suitcase on the bed) Joyce: More clothes? Hank: Oh, do shoes count as clothes? Joyce: How much shopping did you let her do? Hank: Oh, I just thought I was saving you from the big back-to-school clothing nightmare. (unzips the suitcase) Joyce: My nightmares of Buffy in school have nothing to do with clothes. Did she manage to stay out of trouble in L.A.? Hank: She did, yeah. She was, um... you know, great. Joyce: But? Hank: She was just, I don't know, um... distant. Not brooding or sulking, just... there was no connection. The more time we spent together, the more I felt like she was nowhere to be seen. Joyce: Hence the shoes? Hank: (hands her the shoes) I may have overcompensated a little bit. Joyce: Hmm. Hank: It's so strange. You know, at least when she was burning stuff down I knew what to say. Joyce: Well, welcome to my world. I haven't been able to get through to her for so long. I'll just be happy if she makes it through the school year. Cut to Sunnydale High. Cordelia: It was a nightmare, a total nightmare. Cut to her and two friends coming down some stairs and walking across the quad. Cordelia: I mean, they promised me they'd take me to St. Croix, and then they just decide to go to Tuscany. (exhales) Art and buildings? I was totally beachless for a month and a half. No one has suffered like I have. Of course I think that that kind of adversity builds character. Well, then I thought, I already have a lot of character. Is it possible to have too much character? Snyder: The first day back. It always gets me. Giles: Yes. Cut to the two of them walking along the colonnade. Snyder: I mean, it's incredible. One day the campus is completely bare. Empty. The next, there are children everywhere. Like locusts. Crawling around, mindlessly bent on feeding and mating. Destroying everything in sight in their relentless, pointless desire to exist. They stop. Snyder looks around, observing the students. Giles: I do enjoy these pep talks. Have you ever considered, given your abhorrence of children, school's principal was not, perhaps, your true vocation? Snyder: Somebody's got to keep an eye on them. They're just a bunch of hormonal time b*mb. (takes two steps away from Giles) Every time a pretty girl walks by every boy turns into a gibbering fool. Giles spots Jenny coming towards them. Giles: Ms. Calendar! Jenny: Mr. Giles! Giles: Well, I, uh, um... Hello! Snyder: You see the way these kids gaze at each other... all moony. Jenny: It's good to see you. Giles: Yes. Snyder: You think they're thinking about learning? Giles: Uh, were you headed to the, uh, faculty room? Jenny: Sounds like fun! They head off to the faculty room leaving Snyder behind. Snyder: I try and tell 'em about the important things in life. Discipline, responsibility, punctuality. Might as well be talking to myself. Cut inside to the halls. They walk through the student lounge. Giles: How was your summer? Jenny: Extreme. I did Burning Man in Black Rock, ohhh, such a great festival, you should've been there. They had drum rituals, mobile sculptures, raves, naked mud dances, you would've just... hated it with a fiery passion! Giles: I can't imagine finding any redeeming, uh... (stops at the base of the stairs) Naked? Jenny: Hmm. And you probably spent all summer with your nose in a book. Giles: Yes. I suppose you'd consider that frightfully dull. Jenny: Depends on the book. (smiles) Willow and Xander come down the stairs. Buffy is not far behind them. Willow: Giles! Xander: Yo! G-man! What's up? Giles: Nice to see you. And don't ever call me that. Jenny: Hi, kids. Willow: Hi! Buffy arrives now, too. Giles: (to Buffy) How are you? Buffy: Live and kicking. Willow: Buffy k*lled a vampire last night. They all look around to see if anyone overheard. Buffy: Uh, I think you can get a little more volume if you speak from the diaphragm. Willow: Sorry. Jenny: (quietly) We've got vampires? I thought the Hellmouth was closed. Giles: Well, it's, it's closed, but not gone. The mystical energy that emanates from it is still concentrated in this area. Xander: Which means we're still the undead's favorite party town. Giles: I wonder if they're here for any purpose, particularly. Buffy: You're the Watcher. I just work here. Giles: Yes, I-I must consult my books. Xander: Oh, eight minutes and thirty-three seconds, pay up. (Willow hands him a dollar) I called ten minutes before you'd consult your books about something. (to Willow) Thanks. The bell rings. Willow: We better get to class. They all start making their way to their classes. Giles: Oh, uh, Buffy! (she looks back) Uh, I realize you've only just returned, but when you're ready I-I think we should start your training again. Buffy: I'm ready. I'll see you after school. (starts to go again) Giles: Well, I-I-I understand if, if you want a few days to... Buffy: I'm ready. (leaves) Cut to the library after school. Buffy does tumbling and kicking exercises that take her all around the library. Then they continue training with the quarterstaff. Buffy swings it at Giles' hand pads. He retreats as she hits. He ducks a swing but she continues around with the quarterstaff and knocks him back into the chairs by the table. Next she practices her punches on the wooden punching dummy. She has a flash of the Master and begins to go crazy on it, throwing continuous rapid punches. Giles: Buffy, that's enough. She keeps whaling on the dummy. Giles: Buffy! She kicks it, and it breaks. Giles: Uh, safe to say you've stayed in shape. Buffy: (breathing hard) I'm ready. Whatever they've got coming next, I'm ready. (bunches her hair above her head) Yeah. Cut to an old brick warehouse. Cut inside. Absalom: We have been put down, kinsmen. We have lost our way. We have lost the night. But despair is for the living. Where they are weak, we will be strong. Where they weep, we rejoice. Where they bleed, (laughs) we drink! Within three days a New Hope will arise. We will put our faith in him. (looks over at Collin) He will show us the way. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ The student lounge. Buffy is upstairs on a couch, off in her own world. Willow and Xander come up the stairs to her. Xander: Buffy! (no response) Buffy! Buffy: (back on earth) Fine! I'm fine. Xander: Good! It's good that you're fine. Willow sits on the couch opposite Buffy. Xander steps past Buffy and sits on the couch next to her. Willow: What were you thinking about? (gets out an apple) Buffy: Nothing. Xander: Oh, c'mon, you can tell us. We're your bosom friends! The friends of your bosom! He gets a power bar out of his bag. Willow: Xander. Xander winces at his power bar. Willow frowns at her apple. They toss them to each other over the table. Buffy: I wasn't thinking anything, really. Willow: What'd you do last night? Buffy: Mm. Slept. I had weird dreams. Xander: Dreams are meaningful. Willow: Tsh! Tell me about it. The other night I dreamt that Xander... Uh, I-it wasn't Xander. I-in fact it wasn't me. It was a friend's dream, and she doesn't remember it. Buffy: I bet she doesn't. Giles: (finds them) Buffy! Buffy: Giles! (gets up) What is it? You look worried. Giles: This vampire activity, I think I know what they're up to. Buffy: Well, we'll deal with it. Giles: I hope it's that simple. Buffy: It is not to worry. Trust me. Giles: Oh, I don't know. I mean, (chuckles) I've k*lled you once, it shouldn't be too difficult to do it again. Buffy: What? Giles takes a hard backhand swing at her face, knocking her down onto the table between the two couches. He gets on top of her and begins to choke her. Xander and Willow just sit on the couches and chew away at their food. Willow smiles at Xander. Buffy reaches up to Giles' face and tries to push him off. She claws at him, and suddenly pulls off a mask, revealing the Master underneath. Buffy stares up at him in wide-eyed terror. Cut to Buffy's bedroom. She wakes from her nightmare with a start. She looks around and over at her open window. She sits up and rubs her face. When she looks back at her window again Angel is there, leaning against the sill. Buffy: Hello. Angel: Mind if I come in? Buffy: Be my guest. Angel: How are you? Buffy: Peachy. So, is this a social call? It is kinda late. Or, well, it is for me, anyway. What is it for you, lunch hour? Angel: It's not a social call. Buffy: Ah. So, lemme guess. That means grave danger. Gosh, it's good to be home. Angel: I'm sorry. I wish I had better news. Buffy: So, some of your cousins are in town for a family barbecue, and we're all on the menu! Angel: The Anointed One. He's been gathering forces somewhere in town. I'm not sure why. Buffy: Guess I'll find out soon enough, huh? Angel: You don't sound too concerned. Buffy: I can handle myself. Besides, I could use a little action anyway. Angel: Don't underestimate the Anointed One just because he looks like a child. He has power over the rest of them. They'll do anything for him. Buffy: Is that it? Is that everything? Y'know, 'cause you woke me up from a really good dream. She turns away from him and lies back down. Angel: Sorry. I'll go. (turns around to go, but pauses) I missed you. Buffy: (turns to the window) I missed you? Angel is already gone. "It Doesn't Matter", by Alison Krauss, plays in the background. Lyrics: It doesn't matter what I want / It doesn't matter what I need Cut to Joyce's Jeep the next morning on the way to school. Lyrics: It doesn't matter if I cry Joyce: How are your new classes? Buffy: Good. Lyrics: Don't matter if I bleed Joyce: Good. Is there the slightest chance that if I asked you what was wrong you would tell me? Lyrics: You've been on a road Buffy looks over at her mother. Joyce: Course not. It would take all the fun out of guessing. Lyrics: Don't know where it goes or where it leads Cut to the halls at Buffy's locker. Willow: Angel stopped by? Wow. Was there... Well, I mean, was it having to do with kissing? Buffy: Willow, grow up. Not everything is about kissing. Xander: (to Willow) Yeah. Some stuff's about groping. (to Buffy) It wasn't about groping? Buffy: Okay, hormones on parade here? It was pure shoptalk. Remember vampires, pointy teeth, they walk by night, am I ringing a bell? Willow: What did he say? Buffy: Oh, something's up. (closes her locker) Nothing I can't handle. They begin to walk down the hall to class. Xander: Oh, hey, did you guys hear that Cibo Matto's gonna be at the Bronze tonight? Willow: Cibo Matto? They're playing? Xander: No, Willow, they're gonna be clog dancing. Willow: Cibo Matto can clog dance? (gets a look from Xander) Oh, sarcasm, right. Xander: We should attend, no? Cordelia comes out of class and engages them in the hall. Cordelia: Oh, look, it's the Three Musketeers. They look at each other, not sure what to make of that. Buffy: (to Xander) Was that an insult? Xander: Kinda lacked punch. Willow: The Three Musketeers were cool. Cordelia: I see your point. Xander: I woulda gone with Stooges. Cordelia: Well, I just meant that you guys always hang out together. So, did you guys fight any demons this summer? Willow: Uh, yes! Our own personal demons. Xander: Uh, such as, as, as lust and, uh, thrift! Buffy: I would have to go with Stooges also. Cordelia: What are you guys talking about? I'm talking about big squiggly demons that came from the ground? Remember? Prom night? With all the vampires. Buffy: Cordelia, your mouth is open and sound is coming from it. This is never good. Xander: No. (takes Cordelia aside) It's, see, we can't mention that stuff in front of other people, Buffy being the Slayer and all. Willow: You haven't been talking about our little adventure all summer, have you? Cordelia: Are you nuts? Do you think I would tell people that I spent the whole evening with you? Besides, it was all so creepy. That Master guy? And all the screaming? I don't even like to think about it. (to Buffy) So your secret's safe with me. Buffy: Well, that works out great. You won't tell anyone that I'm the Slayer, and I won't tell anyone you're a moron. (leaves) Xander: Now, that was a good insult. Willow: A little too good. Cordelia: What's up with her? Cut to the Bronze that night. People are gathering and going in. Cut inside. Cibo Matto is on stage playing "Spoon". Lyrics: Don't, don't want the boys Cut to Willow and Xander sitting at a table. She has a cup of ice cream. Willow: I just think something's up is all. Lyrics: Don't, don't note the heat Xander: Willow, you're paranoid. Willow: Buffy's never acted like this before. Ever since she got back she's... different. Lyrics: Can't find a spoon... Xander: Buffy's always been different. Willow: She's never been mean. Lyrics: ...that we have had Xander: (exhales) Any sign of her? She said she was coming. Lyrics: The sugar cubes... Willow: No. The band's cool, though. Xander: Yeah, cool. Lyrics: ...can melt our mouth / We belong, yes, to-to-together Willow dips her nose into her ice cream and smiles, trying to get Xander's attention. Lyrics: We belong, yes, to-to-together / We belong, yes, to-to-together Xander: (looks at her) You got somethin' on your nose. Lyrics: We belong, yes, to-to-together / We belong, yes, to-to-together The smile disappears from Willow's face, and she wipes the ice cream off with her napkin. Lyrics: We belong, yes, to-to-together Cut to the cemetery. Dissolve to the tree where the Master is buried. Four crosses mark his grave. A shovel s*ab into the dirt and starts to dig. Another one joins in. The camera pans around to Absalom, Collin and two others watching the first two vampires dig. Absalom: (to the other two) Don't just stand there. Dig! We have to hurry. The other two get on their knees and begin to dig. The ground burns their hands. Vampire: The ground is consecrated! It burns! Collin: Dig. The two vampires continue digging by hand. The grave is shallow, and they soon unearth the Master's skull. Cut to the Bronze. The band starts their next number, "Sugar Water". Lyrics: The velocity of time... turns her voice into... sugar water Buffy walks into the Bronze. Angel sees her come in and goes over to her. Buffy: Hi. Angel: Hi. Buffy: So, is there danger at the Bronze? Should I beware? Angel: I can't help thinking I've done something to make you angry. And that bothers me more than I'd like. Buffy: I'm not angry. I don't know where that comes from. Angel: What are you afraid of? Me? Us? Buffy: Could you contemplate getting over yourself for a second? There's no 'us'. Look, Angel, I'm sorry if I was supposed to spend the summer mooning over you, but I didn't. I moved on. To the living. She heads over to Willow and Xander's table. Cordelia watches her go by, and wonders about her attitude. Lyrics: I'm on a concrete way / The wind is bl*wing... Buffy: Hey! Willow: Hi. Xander: Hey. Lyrics: ...to the north-northwest Willow: What's wrong with Angel? Buffy: Beats me. Lyrics: It smells like sands of the southern island Buffy: (to Xander) Let's dance. (pulls at his shirt) Xander: Ooo-kay. (is pulled by his shirt to the dance floor) Lyrics: When a black cat crosses my path Buffy and Xander begin to slow dance. Her movements are very sensual. Lyrics: A woman in the moon is singing to the earth / A woman in the moon is singing to the earth / La la la, la la la la la la / La la la, la la la la la la Buffy turns around and spoons in against Xander, pulling his arms around her waist. She grinds her hips and shoulders against him. Lyrics: La la la, la la la la la la / La la la, la la la la la la She reaches up with her hand and strokes his face. Angel looks on jealously. Willow watches in disbelief. Buffy continues her grinding. Lyrics: I'm riding on a camel that has big eyes / The buildings are changing into coconut trees / Little by little Buffy turns to Xander and tilts her head up to his, close enough to kiss. Buffy: Xander? Did I ever thank you... for saving my life? Lyrics: When a black cat... Xander: No. Lyrics: ...crosses my path Buffy slowly slithers around him, making sure not to lose contact with his body. Lyrics: A woman in the moon is singing to the earth Buffy: Don't you wish I would? She breaks off, leaving him standing there. Xander isn't sure what to make of it all, but he knows he doesn't like it. Lyrics: A woman in the moon is singing to the earth Buffy goes back to their table and retrieves her jacket. Lyrics: La la la, la la la la la la She walks past Cordelia as she makes her way out of the Bronze. Angel follows her with his stare. Lyrics: La la la, la la la la la la Xander is still standing on the dance floor, upset and unsure how to react. Cut outside. Buffy exits the Bronze and walks down the alley at a quick pace. Cordelia follows her out. Cordelia: Buffy. (Buffy stops) You're really campaigning for bitch-of- the-year, aren't you? Buffy: (turns to face her) As defending champion, you nervous? Cordelia: I can hold my own. You know, we've never really been close, which is nice, 'cause I don't really like you that much, but... you have on occasion saved the world and stuff, so I'm gonna... do you a favor. Buffy: And this great favor is... Cordelia: I'm gonna give you some advice. Get over it. Buffy: Excuse me? Cordelia: Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it. 'Cause pretty soon you're not even gonna have the loser friends you've got now. Buffy: I think it's about time you start minding your own business. Cordelia: It's long past. Buffy: (turns and goes) Nighty-night. (flips up her hood) Cordelia: I'll just see if Angel feels like dancing. She is suddenly grabbed by two vampires coming out of the shadows and dragged into an adjacent building. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ A basement. The two vampires force Cordelia down the stairs. At the bottom they shove her into the room. She's frightened and looks around. She takes a step sideways and bumps into a hand. She looks down and sees that it's Jenny. She crouches down to see if she's okay, but Jenny is unconscious. Cordelia: Ms., Ms. Calendar? Oh, God, Ms. Calendar? Cut to the cemetery. Buffy is going to check out the Master's grave. When she gets there she finds it dug open and his bones exhumed. She steps back slowly, and thinks she sees the Master out of the corner of her eye. She quickly turns to look, but no one's there. Willow: She's possessed! Cut to the student lounge. Giles is getting a soda from the vending machine. Giles: Possessed? Willow: That's the only explanation that makes any sense. I mean, you should've seen her last night. That wasn't Buffy. Xander: Are we overlooking the idea that she may be very attracted to me? (gets looks from the others and concedes) She's possessed. Giles: Possessed by what? Willow: Aaaaa possessing thing! Giles: (sarcastically) Well, that narrows it down. He takes a sip of his soda and winces at its sweetness. Xander: Well, you're the expert. Hey, maybe when the Master k*lled her some... mystical bad guy transference thing happened. Willow: That's what it was! I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h? Giles: Willow, I think we're all a little too old to be spelling things out. Xander: A bitca? Giles: (not surprised by Xander's misunderstanding) Yes. I suggest that, uh, the explanation for her behavior may be something more, more mundane. The bell rings and the students around them begin to leave for class. Giles: (sits) She may simply have what you Americans refer to as issues. Uh, her experience with the Master must have been extremely traumatic. Well, she was, for at least a few minutes, technically d*ad. (Buffy appears in the door) I-I don't think she's dealt with that on a conscious level. (Xander notices Buffy) She's convinced herself that she's invulnerable... for the very reason that she feels... Xander: (interrupts) That's a very interesting point about trout, you just brought up now. Buffy walks up to them. Giles: Trout? (notices Buffy) Trout! Yes, trout, i-is a fish. Good morning. Did you sleep well? Buffy: Like a rock. Master's gone. Giles: I'm sorry? Buffy: The Master. I went by his grave last night, and they have a vacancy. Giles: Good God! Willow: What would somebody want with Master bones? Xander: A trophy, a horrible conversation piece? Buffy: They're gonna bring him back. They're gonna bring the Master back to life, and I seem to recall you telling me he was history. Giles: Buffy, I-I-I've never heard of a-a revivification ritual being successful. Buffy: But you've heard of them? Thanks for the warning. Willow: Well, Buffy, Giles did bury him and... Buffy: Look, this is Slayer stuff, okay? Could we have just a little less from the civilians, please? Xander: Okay, that's just about enough! Buffy sh**t Xander a look. Snyder: (interrupts) I believe some of us have class? And some of us have jobs. Giles: Y-yes, well, I'll, uh, I'll see you all, uh, in the library later. We'll, we'll continue this discussion. Willow: About trout. The kids leave. Snyder watches them go. Snyder: There're some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense. Giles: No, actually that would be one of the five. Snyder: That Summers girl. I smell trouble. I smell expulsion, and just the faintest aroma of jail. Giles: Well, before you throw away the key, you might consider giving her the benefit of the doubt. She may surprise you. Snyder: You really have faith in those kids, don't you? Giles: Yes, I do. Snyder: Weird. Cut to the library after school. Giles: Alright, alright, I-I-I've got something. It's Latin, so bear with me. Uh, to revive the vampire they need his bones, uh... w-which they have, and, um, the blood... this is very unclear, of the closest person... uh, someone connected to the vampire. Buffy: That'd be me. Giles: Perhaps. Buffy: We were close. We k*lled each other. It really promotes togetherness. Xander: Well, is there anything on when the ceremony might take... A rock comes crashing through a window. Xander: Whoa! Buffy catches the rock in her hands. It has a note wrapped around it and kept in place with a bracelet. Buffy: This is Cordelia's. (takes off the note) 'Come to the Bronze before it opens, or we make her a meal.' Xander: They're gonna cook her dinner? (gets looks from everyone) I'll pretend I didn't say that. Willow: What do we do? Buffy: (exhales) I go to the Bronze and save the day. (starts to go) Xander: I don't like this. Giles: Nor I! Buffy: (turns back) Yeah? Well, you guys aren't going. Willow: What do you mean? Buffy: I can't do it anymore. I can't look after the three of you guys while I'm fighting. Willow: Well, what about the rest of the note? Buffy: What rest of the note? Willow: The part that says, 'P.S. This is a trap'? Giles: You'll be playing straight into their hands. (takes off his glasses) Buffy: I can handle this. Willow: Stop saying that! God, what's wrong with you? Xander: Cordelia may be d*ad. Buffy: This is my fight. She leaves and grabs her coat and bag on the way out. Willow just watches her go. Xander shakes his head. Giles puts his glasses back on. Cut to the alley outside the Bronze. Buffy senses Angel as she nears the entrance. Buffy: Y'know, being stalked isn't really a big turn-on for girls. Angel: (behind her) You need help. Someone to watch your back. Buffy: Sure you don't mean my neck? Angel: (comes around her) Why are you ridin' me? Buffy: Because I don't trust you. You're a vampire. (gets a look) Oh, I'm sorry, was that an offensive term? Should I say 'undead American'? Angel: You have to trust someone. You can't do this alone. Buffy: I trust me. Angel: You're not as strong as you think. Buffy: (gives him a challenging look) You think you can take me? Angel: What? Buffy: Oh, c'mon! I mean, you must've thought about it. What would happen if it ever came down to a fight, you vampire, me the Slayer, I mean, you must've wondered! Well, why don't we find out? Angel: I'm not gonna fight you. Buffy: Come on! Kick my ass! Angel: Don't you have somewhere to be? Buffy: I do. Angel: Well, you're wasting time. Buffy: Just stay out of my way. (walks around him to the entrance) Angel: Happy to oblige. Cut inside. Buffy comes in and looks around as she slowly walks through an empty Bronze. She comes upon a girl crying in a corner. She stops. Angel appears behind her. Buffy: That's not Cordelia. The vampire laughs and turns around. Vampire: Cordelia couldn't make it. Buffy: Where is she? Vampire: I'm not supposed to tell. Angel: I don't like this. Buffy: Don't like what? Angel: There's the bait. Where's the hook? The vampire att*cks, and Buffy flips her over onto her back on the floor and pins her down with her foot. Buffy: You're right. Why would they send just one? Cut to the library. Giles is continuing his research. Willow: I still think we should've gone with her. Xander: Buffy's about to lose it. I think we should be trying to reach minimum safe distance. Willow: Xander, you know it's a trap! Giles: Ah! Ah, ah, ah! Uh, uh, the Latin is, is translated from the Sumerian, a-a-and rather badly. Closest to the Master actually translates as 'nearest'. Physically. The, the, the person or persons who were with him... when he... (looks up) It is a trap. Several vampires appear on the mezzanine level above. Giles: It just isn't for her. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The Bronze. Buffy binds the vampire's wrists Buffy: Watch her. Don't k*ll her unless you have to. (shoves her over to Angel) Angel: Buffy! What's goin' on? Buffy: I'll be back. Cut to the library. Buffy comes rushing in, and stops short when she sees that the place is a shambles. The camera pans through the room to the center table, which has been tipped over onto its side. Behind it Xander regains consciousness and gets up, using the table for support. Buffy: Xander! She rushes over to him to help, but he shakes her off. Buffy: What happened? Xander: (out of breath) Vampires. The ones you could handle yourself. Buffy: Where are the others? Xander: I don't know. (angry) I don't know what your problem is, what your issues are. But as of now, I officially don't care. If you'd worked with us for five seconds, you coulda stopped this. Buffy: (turns away) We, we just have to think. Where would they have taken them? Xander: (vehemently) If they hurt Willow, I'll k*ll you. She turns back to him and looks at him seriously. Buffy: Why did they take them and not you? Xander: Giles said the ritual was, um... They needed people who were close to the Master. Physically close. When he, uh... Buffy: The ones who were with the Master when he died. Xander: Giles, Willow, Cordelia... Buffy: Ms. Calendar. Xander: Odds are they've got a complete set by now. Buffy: We need to find out where. Xander: How? Cut to the Bronze. Buffy is interrogating the female vampire. She throws her down onto the floor. Buffy: One more time: where are they? Vampire: You're too late. Your friends are d*ad. Buffy: (lifts her back up) Tell me where they are! Vampire: (laughs) What are you gonna do? k*ll me? Buffy: As a matter of fact... She throws the vampire onto a pool table. Buffy: ...yes. (yanks off her necklace) But since I'm not gonna k*ll you any time soon, the question becomes... She drops the cross into the vampire's mouth and covers it with her hands. Buffy: ...how are we gonna pass the time till then? The cross burns in the vampire's mouth, and she shakes her head. After several seconds Buffy pulls the cross back out. Buffy: So. One more time. Cut to the warehouse. Cut inside. Collin carries a black case past the Master's skeleton, which has been laid out on a table. Absalom takes it from him. Absalom: Begin. Another vampire starts pulling on a chain, and Willow, Giles, Cordelia and Jenny are moved along an overhead conveyor to hang upside down and unconscious above the Master's bones. Absalom: Behold, these four mortals. Buffy comes into the warehouse through a side door. Angel and Xander follow her in. Absalom: Witnesses to our Master's wretched demise. They will breathe their last this night. The blood that pours from their throats will bring NEW LIFE to the old one. We gather for his resurrection. For the dawn of this new hell. Buffy looks up at the four of them hanging upside down. Xander: (in a low voice) Buffy! Buffy! (she faces him) We gotta do something now! Buffy: You two get the others out of here. Angel: We need you to distract the vampires. Buffy: Right. Xander: What are you gonna do? Buffy: I'm gonna k*ll them all. (turns to her task) That oughta distract them. Cut to Absalom, holding a Kuhkri, a long, curved Kn*fe. Absalom: For the old one. For his pain. For the dark. Vampires: For the dark! Absalom kisses the blade. Cut to one of the vampires. A stake is suddenly thrust through him from behind, and he instantly turns into ashes. Buffy stands there now in a fighting stance. Absalom looks at her in disbelief and then roars. Three vampires begin fighting her. She easily keeps them at bay. Angel and Xander seize the opportunity to climb the ladder to the platform above to get the others off of the conveyor. Buffy continues to fight the vampires below. Absalom takes Collin and ushers him out of the warehouse. He comes back in and sees Angel and Xander pulling on the chain, bringing the others back over to the platform. Absalom: The sacrifices! Stop them! A vampire responds to Absalom's command and runs to the ladder to the platform. Buffy continues to fight below as Angel and Xander keep pulling on the chain. Absalom looks around and then rushes out of the warehouse. Buffy keeps fighting. She does a flip over some wooden boxes, grabs one on the way and smashes it onto a vampire's head. She kicks the vampire in the face, knocking him down and breaking a few pieces of wood off of the box. She gets tackled by another vampire. On the platform above Giles, Jenny and Cordelia are already off of the conveyor. Angel and Xander lift Willow off as well. Giles rolls on the floor in semi- consciousness. They lay Willow down and tend to them all. A vampire finally makes it up to the platform and growls. Angel looks at him with his game face on and growls back. The vampire att*cks, and Angel rushes to meet him. They fight. Below one of them is on top of Buffy. She reaches up with a broken piece of wood and jams it into the vampire's back, and gets ash all over herself. The vampire she knocked down before with the box gets up and rushes to att*ck her. Above, Angel and his opponent fall through a poorly covered hole in the platform. Jenny is awake now and crawls over to Giles, who is also awake now and trying to sit up. Giles: Are you alright? Jenny: Yeah, I'm okay. Giles: Where's Buffy? Xander is at the edge of the platform holding a still unconscious Willow with his arm and watching the fight below. Xander: Uh, she's working out her issues. Buffy is still fighting a vampire below. Underneath the platform Angel's attacker tries to jam a piece of wood into his chest, but Angel stops him and jams it into his instead. Buffy kicks the vampire she's fighting into a storage rack, and he goes down with it. Absalom shows up again in the doorway with a large sledgehammer. Absalom: ENOUGH! Buffy turns to look at him. The other vampire gets back up. Absalom: Your day is done, girl. I'll grind you into a *sticky* paste, and hear you beg before I smash in your face. Buffy: So, are you gonna k*ll me or are we just making small talk? Absalom raises the sledgehammer in indignation and yells as he begins his att*ck. The other vampire rushes at her from the other side. Buffy calmly looks at the tall wooden torch post in front of her, breaks it off and turns it a few times in her hands. The vampire impales himself on the broken end and crumbles into ash. Absalom runs into the burning end and is set ablaze. He backs up and screams as the flames spread over him. He makes a last desperate attempt to get Buffy and raises the sledgehammer over his head, but is too late as the flames engulf him and instantly burn him up. The sledgehammer falls to the floor with a loud clang. Buffy drops the post and looks over at the Master's skeleton. Cut to the platform above. Willow is awake now. Willow: It's over. Xander: No, it's not. Cut below. Buffy bends down and picks up the sledgehammer. She slowly walks over to the Master's skeleton and looks at it a moment. Then she swings the hammer back behind her and arcs it directly into the Master's skull, shattering it to pieces. She keeps whaling on the Master's skeleton as Willow, Xander and Giles look down from above. Angel comes up behind her and watches her continue until there's nothing left on the table. She stops and bursts into tears, dropping the sledgehammer to the floor. Angel: It's okay. It's okay. Buffy turns around and leans into him, crying into his shoulder. Angel gently holds on to her as she cries. Xander, Willow and Giles continue to watch from above. Willow briefly looks up at Xander. Cut to the school the next day. Jenny and Cordelia walk across the quad. Cordelia: What an ordeal. And you know what the worst part is? Jenny: What? Cordelia: It stays with you forever. No matter what they tell you, none of that rust and blood and grime comes out. I mean, you can dry clean till judgment day, you are living with those stains. Jenny: Yeah that's the worst part of being hung upside down by a vampire who wants to slit your throat: the stains. Cordelia: I hear ya! Giles and Buffy come walking the other way on the other side of the quad. Buffy: I don't think I can face them. Giles: Hmm? Of course, you can. Buffy: I can't! What am I supposed say? 'Sorry I almost got your throat slit. What's the homework?' Giles: Punishing yourself like this is pointless. Buffy: It's entirely pointy. I was a moron. I put my best friends in mortal danger on the second day of school. Giles: What are you gonna do? Crawl inside a cave for the rest of your life? Buffy: Would it have cable? Giles: Buffy, you acted wrongly, I admit that. But believe me, that was hardly the, the worst mistake you'll ever make. Uh, that wasn't quite as comforting as it was meant to be. Buffy: Well, points for effort. (the bell rings) See ya. Cut to class. Buffy comes in, sees Willow and Xander and stops. Willow sees her come in. Xander, facing Willow, notices her look up and looks over, too, but goes back to what he's doing on Willow's desk. Buffy walks over to an empty desk next to Willow. Willow: Hey, Buffy. Buffy: Hey. Willow: We saved you a seat. Buffy looks at them both and sits down. Xander: There's a rumor going around that, uh, Mr. Cox is the most boring teacher in the entire world. Like, I think he won a belt or something. Buffy: Like, yes. Willow: Well, I hear he nods off a lot. So that's a plus. Xander: So, we Bronzin' it tonight? Willow: Wednesday, it's kinda b*at. Xander: Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but, gosh, we did that last night. The two of them give Buffy big smiles. She smiles back. Xander: Hey, I got a plan: how 'bout miniature golf. Willow: There's no course here. Xander: Okay, uh, miniature tennis! A very tiny form of tennis that we could invent... They make small talk until class begins. The camera slowly pans around them. Cut to the warehouse. Collin surveys the damage Buffy has wrought. He looks all around him at the pieces of bone strewn all over the place. Collin: I hate that girl. THE END

{"type": "series", "show": "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "episode": "02x01 - When She Was Bad"}

foreverdreaming

~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~ In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. The cemetery. Buffy is sitting on top of the gravestone of Stephan Korshak playing with her yo-yo. Buffy: C'mon, Stephan, rise and shine. Some of us have a ton of trig homework waiting. The camera cuts to her right and approaches her from behind. Angel: Hey. Buffy inhales a quick startled breath and turns around to face her stalker. Angel: Is this a bad time? Buffy: Are you crazy? You don't just sneak up on people in a graveyard. You make noise when you walk. You stomp or... yodel. Angel: I heard you were on the hunt. Buffy: I'm supposed to be, but... lazy bones here doesn't wanna come out and play. Angel: When you first wake up it's a little disorienting. He'll show. Buffy: It's weird to think of you going through that. Angel: It's weird to go through. So, uh, you're here alone? Buffy: Yeah! Why? Angel: I just thought you'd have somebody with you. Xander or someone. Buffy: Xander. Angel: Or someone. Buffy: Nope. (hops down off the gravestone) Why? Are you jealous? Angel: (chuckles) Of Xander? Please. He's just a kid. Buffy: Is it 'cause I danced with him? Angel: 'Danced with' is a pretty loose term. 'Mated with' might be a little closer. Buffy: Don't you think you're being a little unfair? It was one little dance, which I only did to make you crazy, by the way. Behold my success. Angel: I am *not* jealous. Buffy: You're not jealous? What, vampires don't get jealous? Stephan has come out of the ground, and looks at them from behind his gravestone. Angel: See? Whenever we fight you always bring up the vampire thing. Buffy: Well, I didn't come here to fight. The vampire lunges at her and knocks her into Angel. They fall to the ground, but Buffy quickly gets up. Buffy: Oh, right, I did. Stephan throws a few punches which Buffy easily blocks. She punches him in the face several times and kicks him in the jaw, sending him stumbling into a large adjacent gravestone. She looks around frantically. Buffy: Where's my stake? I-I know I had a stake! Angel: I didn't see a stake! The vampire grabs a shovel that was lying by the other gravestone and comes at them again. Angel att*cks, but Stephan brings the shovel up and hits him in the side of the face, knocking him onto his back. He leaves Angel lying there and steps toward Buffy. She meets him and jumps over the shovel when Stephan swings it at her legs. He swings it at her again, but she catches it, hits him again and breaks the handle. She spins around with her half and jams the broken handle into his chest. He falls over backward and bursts into ashes as he hits the ground. Angel gets up holding the side of his head. Buffy: (out of breath) What do you mean he's just a kid? Does that mean I'm just a kid, too? Angel: Look, obviously I made a mistake coming here tonight. (turns and leaves) Buffy: Oh, no you don't. You can't just turn and walk away from me like that. (starts following him determinedly) It takes more than that to get rid of me. She falls into an open grave with an open and empty coffin at the bottom. Buffy: Oof! Uhhh... Angel comes over and bends down to look. Angel: You okay? Buffy: I'm fine. (sits up and exhales) Gee, I wish people wouldn't leave open graves laying around like this. (stands up slowly) Angel: So. Another vampire has risen tonight. She pokes her head out of the grave and looks across the grass. Buffy: I don't think so. Look at those tracks. Whoever was buried here didn't rise from this grave. She climbs out of the grave and finds a girl's shoe. Buffy: She was dragged from it. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ Sunnydale High School. Cut to the library. Buffy and Xander walk in and see Giles sitting in a chair and talking to another empty chair across from him. Giles: (clears his throat) W-w-w-what I'm proposing is, um... and I-I don't mean to appear indecorous, is, is, um, a, a-a-a social engagement, um, a, a, a, a-a date, if you're amenable. Buffy and Xander stop and listen to him. Giles is displeased with himself. Giles: You idiot! Buffy: Boy... Giles is startled and quickly gets up and faces them. Buffy: I guess we never realized how much you like that chair. Giles: I-I-I was just working on... (knocks over a few books) Buffy: Your pickup lines? Giles: (bends down) Um, in a manner of speaking, yes. (picks up the books) Buffy: Then if you wouldn't mind a little Gene and Roger, you might wanna leave off the 'idiot' part. Being called an idiot tends to take people out of the dating mood. Xander: Hmm, it actually kinda turns me on. (looks at Buffy) Buffy: (to Xander) I fear you. (goes to the table) You also might wanna avoid words like 'amenable' and 'indecorous', y'know. Speak English, not whatever they speak in, um... Giles: England? Buffy: Yeah. You just say, 'Hey, I got a thing, you maybe have a thing, maybe we could have a thing.' Giles: (sarcastically) Oh, thank you, Cyrano. Buffy: I'm not finished. Then you say, 'How do you feel about Mexican?' Giles: About Mexicans? Buffy: Mexican. Food. You take her for food, for which you then pay. (sits at the table) Giles: Oh. Right. Xander: So this chair-woman. We are talking Ms. Calendar, right? Giles: W-what makes you think that? Xander: (sits) Simple deduction. Ms. Calendar is reasonably dollsome, especially for someone in your age bracket. She already knows that you're a school librarian, so you don't have to worry about how to break that embarrassing news to her. Buffy: And she's the only woman we've actually ever seen speak to you. Add it all up and it all spells 'duh'. Xander: Now, is it time to have a talk about the facts of life? Giles: You know, I'm suddenly deciding this is none of your business. (starts up the stairs) Xander: Y'know, because that whole stork thing is a smoke screen. Giles stops and looks back at him. Buffy laughs to herself. Giles: So, um, how did things go last night? Did Mr. Korshak show up on schedule? Buffy: More or less. Angel and I took care of him. Xander: Angel. Buffy: (gives Xander a look) There's something else, though. We found an empty grave. Giles: Another vampire? Buffy: No. No, this one was dug up and the body was taken out. Giles: Grave robbing? That's new. Interesting. (comes back down to the table) Buffy: I *know* you meant to say gross and disturbing. Giles: Yes, yes, yes of course. Uh, terrible thing. Must, must put a stop to it. Damn it. Xander: So. Why does someone want to dig up graves? Giles: Well, I'll, uh, collect some theories. Uh, it would help if we knew who the body belonged to. Buffy: Meredith Todd. Ring a bell? Xander: No. Buffy: She died recently. She was our age. Xander: Drawin' a blank. Giles: Why don't we ask Willow to, uh, f*re (indicates the PC) this thing up and, uh, track Meredith down? Cut to the halls. Sign-ups for the science fair are going on. Willow is writing in her entry. Eric comes up to her with a camera and points it at her. Eric: Smile! (takes her picture) Willow: Hey! He turns around and sees another girl. Eric: Oh, look at those legs! (goes to take her picture) Willow: No, thank you. Chris comes up behind Willow. Chris: Eric, will you knock it off? Eric looks at him, upset to have his fun spoiled. Willow: (smiles) Hey, Chris! Chris: Hey. He picks up a sign-up sheet. She watches what he's writing. He looks up at her. Willow: Oh, I, I was just wondering what you were gonna do this year. Chris: Why? Willow: 'Cause every year you win and I place second, so I just thought I'd see what I'm up against. Chris: You know what the key is? If Dr. Clark doesn't understand your experiment he gives you higher marks so it looks like he understands your experiment. (reads Willow's entry) 'The Effects of Sub-Violet Light Spectrum Deprivation on the Development of Fruit Flies'? (smirks) That should do the trick. Cordelia: (shows up and signs up) Okay, I'm doing this under protest. It is not fair that they're making participation in this year's science fair mandatory. I don't think anyone should have to do anything educational in school if they don't want to. Willow: (reads) 'The Tomato: Fruit or Vegetable'? Cordelia: I wanted to do something I could finish in a weekend, alright? Eric flashes a picture of Cordelia. Cordelia: Stop it! What are you doing? (Eric takes another picture) We are under florescent light, for God's sake. Eric: The camera loves you! Cordelia: I didn't think yearbook nerds came out of hibernation till spring. Eric: (snaps another picture) It's for my private collection. (winks) Chris: Eric! Will you quit it? Buffy: Comin' through. Sorry. (Eric takes her picture) Uh, sorry to interrupt, Willow, but it's the Bat Signal. Willow: Okay, sure. See you later, Chris. Thanks for the tip. Chris: Okay. Cordelia watches them go. Eric raises his eyebrows at her. Cordelia: (disgusted) Uhhh! (leaves) Eric: Cordelia's so fine. Y'know, she'd be just perfect for us. Chris: Don't be an idiot. She's alive. Cut to the library. Willow sits down in front of the PC. Willow: This shouldn't take long. I'm probably the only girl in school who has the coroner's office bookmarked as a favorite place. Cordelia: (coming in) Hi. Sorry to interrupt your little undead playgroup, but I need to ask Willow if she'll help me with my science fair project. Willow: It's a fruit. Cordelia: I would've asked Chris to help me, but then that would've brought back too many memories of Daryl. Willow: I found it! Meredith Todd died in a car accident last week. Cordelia: Of course I have learned to deal with my pain. Buffy: How was her neck? Willow: Fine, except for being broken. Giles comes out of his office. Cordelia: Hello! Can we deal with my pain, please? Giles: There, there. He pats her on the shoulder and continues up into the stacks. Willow: It says that Meredith and two other girls in the car were k*lled instantly. They were all on the Fondren High Pep Squad, on the way to a game. Buffy: You know what this means. Xander: That Fondren might actually b*at Sunnydale in the cross-town body count competition this year? Buffy: She wasn't k*lled by vampires. Somebody did dig up her corpse. Cordelia: Eww! Why is it that every conversation you people have has the word 'corpse' in it? Xander: Okay, so we got a body snatcher. What does that mean? Giles: Uh, h-here's what I've come up with. Demons who eat the flesh of the d*ad to absorb their souls. Or, i-i-it could obviously be a, a voodoo practitioner. Willow: You mean making a zombie? Giles: Uh, zombies, more likely. For most traditional purposes a voodoo priest would require more than one. Buffy: So, we should see if the other girls from the accident are AWOL, too. Maybe we can figure out what this creep has in mind if we know whether or not he's dealing in volume. Xander: So, we dig up some graves tonight? Willow: Oh, boy! A field trip! Are you gonna call Angel? Buffy: I don't think so. Xander: Yeah, why bother him, huh? Buffy: Angel and I have been, um... Never mind. As far as Angel's concerned, I'm taking the night off, okay? Xander: So, we're set then. Say, nineish? BYO shovel? Willow: And I'll pack some food. Who else likes those little powdered doughnuts? Xander: Me. Willow: Cordelia? Cordelia: Darn, I have cheerleader practice tonight. Boy, I wish I knew we were gonna be digging up d*ad people sooner. I would've canceled. Xander: Alright, but if you come across the army of zombies, can you page us before they eat your flesh? Cordelia huffs and leaves the library. Giles: Xander? Xander: Huh? Giles: Zombies don't eat the flesh of the living. Xander: Yeah, I knew that. But did you see the look on her face? Cut to the cemetery that night. Giles and Xander are digging while Buffy and Willow relax and watch. Buffy: I couldn't believe Angel. He was acting all jealous, and he wouldn't even admit it. Willow: Jealous of what? Buffy: Of Xander. Willow: Because you did that sexy dance with him? Buffy: Am I ever gonna live that down? Willow: No. (munches a doughnut) Buffy: Anyway, he was being totally irrational. Willow: Love makes you do the wacky. Buffy: That's the truth. Xander: Y'know, this might go a lot faster if you femmes actually picked up a shovel, too. Giles: Here, here. Buffy: Sorry, but I'm an old-fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies. (to Willow) So, speaking of the wacky, what was Cordelia's whole riff about painful memories? Who's Daryl? Willow: Daryl Epps. Chris' older brother. He was a big football star. All-State two years ago. He was a running... He was a running... Uh, someone who runs and catches. Buffy: Was he a studly? Willow: Big time. All of the girls were crazy for him. Buffy: And he broke Cordy's heart? Thus possibly proving its existence. Willow: He died. Rock climbing or something? He fell. Buffy: Man, that's lousy. Poor Chris. Willow: Ever since then Chris has been real quiet. Kind of in his own world. I heard their mother doesn't even leave the house anymore. Giles: I think we're there. Buffy and Willow get up and go over to the grave. Willow: By the way, are we hoping to find a body, or no body? Xander: Call me an optimist, but I'm hoping to find a fortune in gold doubloons. Giles: Um, body would mean flesh-eating demon, no body would point towards the, uh, army of zombies thing. Take your pick, really. Right, then, uh... (to Xander) Go on. (indicates the casket) Xander: You're closer. Buffy: Pathetic much? (climbs down) Move over. She opens the casket. Cut to the school after cheerleading practice. The cheerleaders are heading home. Cordelia: Guys, if we don't get this down by tomorrow, no one's gonna be led by our cheers. Practice. Girl: Okay. See ya later. Cordelia continues on to her own car as the others get in theirs. They drive off before Cordelia reaches her car. She hears something by the fence and stops to look around. Cordelia: Hello? She continues to her car and starts to dig in her pack for her keys. She gets them out and runs the rest of the way to her car. She nervously fumbles with the lock. Cordelia: Xander Harris, if this is some kind of joke... She drops her keys and they roll under the car. She kneels down and reaches for them frantically. On the other side of her car she can see someone in black shoes approaching. She quickly gets up and starts to run. The man follows her. He walks past a dumpster. When he's gone the lid opens, and Cordelia checks to see if the coast is clear. She pushes the lid up all the way, then turns around again to hop out, but is startled by Angel. Angel: Cordelia. This is the last place I expected you to hang out. Cordelia: (quietly) Oh, God! God, it's you. Why were you following me? Angel: I wasn't sure it was you at first. I'm looking for Buffy. Cordelia: Buffy? Well, she's, uh... big shock, she's at the graveyard. Angel: She said she'd be home. Cordelia: Well, she lied. Isn't she a rascal? Well, you're in luck. It just so happens that my night is free. (tries to get out) Uh, hold on, my skirt is caught. She reaches behind her and gets her skirt loose. Cordelia: There. She picks up what was holding her skirt and sees it's a hand. She drops it and screams. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Xander can be heard outside in the hall. Xander: So, both coffins are empty. That makes three girls signed up for the army of zombies. They come in through the doors. Willow: Is it an army if you just have three? Angel gets up from the table and faces them. Cordelia clings to his arm and gets up, too. Buffy: Zombie drill team then. Angel: You're back. Buffy: Angel! Angel: Xander. Xander: Angel. Angel: (to Buffy) I thought you were takin' the night off. Buffy: I, I was, um, but something came up. Angel: Cordelia told me the truth. Xander: (chuckles) That's gotta be a first. Giles: Um, as long as you're here, perhaps you could be of some help. Hmm? (to Buffy) Hmm? Buffy: We were investigating. Somebody's been digging up the bodies of d*ad girls. Angel: I know. We found some of them. Buffy: You mean, like, two of the three? Angel: I mean, like, some of them. Like parts. Cordelia: It was horrible. Angel saved me from an arm. God, there were so many parts, they were everywhere. Why are these terrible things always happening to me? Xander: Karma! (coughs to cover it) Willow: So much for our zombie theory. Giles: So much for all our theories. Buffy: I don't get it. Why go to all the trouble to dig up three girls only to chop them up and throw them away? It doesn't make any sense. Especially from a time management standpoint. Angel: Well, what I saw didn't add up to three whole girls. I think they kept some parts. Buffy: Could this get yuckier? Willow: They probably kept the other parts to eat. Buffy: Question answered. Giles: Why dispose of the remains five miles from the cemetery at a school, of all places? Buffy: Maybe because whoever did it had some business in the neighborhood. Like, say, classes? Giles: Oh. Ah. Angel: This was no hatchet job. Whoever made those incisions really knew what they were doing. Giles: (disbelieving) Yes, really. What student here is gonna be that well versed in physiology? Willow: Well, I can think of five or six guys in the science club. And me. Xander: So, Will, come clean. Promise to never do it again, and we'll call it a night. (no response) He joked! (smiles) Buffy: Willow, why don't you get these guys' locker numbers so we can do some checking? Cordelia: No. I have to go home now. I have to take a bath and burn my clothes. Xander: (in mock disappointment) You have to go? Aw, too bad. Keep in touch. Buh-bye. Cordelia: I don't wanna go alone. I'm still fragile. (to Angel) Can you take me? Angel is in open-mouthed shock, and looks at Buffy. She gives him a stare of disapproval. Cordelia: Great! I'll drive? She leads the way out of the library as Angel gives Buffy another helpless look. Xander: How about that? I always pegged him as a one-woman vampire. Cut to Chris' house. His mother is sitting in front of the TV watching videos of Daryl's games. His trophy sits on top of the TV. Chris comes out of the basement. Chris: I'm going out, Mom. She doesn't even look up. She just blows out another lungful of cigarette smoke. Chris walks over to the front door. Chris: I'll be back later, okay? Mom? Still no response. She takes another drag from her cigarette. Chris lets out a sigh of frustration and leaves the house. On the video Daryl just scored a touchdown, and the team is holding him up high as the cheerleaders jump and wave their pompoms. Video: Dar-yl! Dar-yl! Dar-yl! Dar-yl! Dar-yl! Daryl takes his helmet off and holds his fists up in the air, laughing and enjoying the moment. Cut to the halls at school. Xander is working a locker combination from a list. Giles comes down the other hall. Giles: You understand, in my capacity as school official, this search is completely unauthorized, and I, I cannot condone it. Buffy: Fine, your butt's covered. Wanna grab a locker? (hands him a sheet) Giles: Uh, yes, yes, of course. (takes the sheet) Buffy: (approaches a locker) Okay, Eric. Let's see what's on your annoying little mind. Willow: (at another locker) Nothing in here but back issues of Scientific American. Ooo, I haven't read this one! (starts to read) Giles: Nothing remarkable here. Xander: (opens one) Guys! They all go over to see. Xander: Your friend Chris Epps' locker. Willow: (reads off book titles) 'Grey's Anatomy', 'Mortician's Desk Reference', 'Robicheaux's Guide to Muscles and Tendons'. Giles reaches in and pulls out a newspaper folded open to a picture of the three cheerleaders. The title above the picture reads 'Tragic Accident Kills Three'. Giles: I think it's fair to say Chris is involved. Xander: He's into corpses alright, but we still don't know why. Buffy: Yes, we do. She opens Eric's locker door and shows them a collage of a woman made from parts of various pictures. Cut to Chris' basement. Eric sings while Chris works on a body. Eric: I guess you'll say / What can make me feel this way? / My girl / Talkin' 'bout my girl / My girl... How's my baby? Chris: She's not your baby. Eric: She's not gonna be anybody's baby if we don't finish her soon. Chris: I'm working on it. Eric: So am I, friend. So am I. He hangs up freshly developed pictures of Buffy, Willow and Cordelia to dry. Cut to the balcony. Buffy comes up to Willow and Xander sitting on the railing. Xander: Any sign of our suspects? Buffy: Not yet. I don't get it. Why would anybody wanna make a girl? Xander: You mean when there's so many pre-made ones just laying around? The things we do for love. Buffy: Love has nothing to do with this. Xander: Maybe not, but I'll tell you this: people don't fall in love with what's right in front of them. Willow gives Buffy a sad, knowing look. Xander: People want the dream. What they can't have. Willow looks over at Xander longingly. Buffy understands only too well. Xander: The more unattainable, the more attractive. Willow hops down from her perch. Willow: And for Eric the unattainable would include everyone. That's alive. She walks around Xander to head down the stairs. Buffy joins her. Buffy: Uh, Eric's sick enough to do something like this, but what about Chris? He seems like a human person. Xander follows them. Willow: I dunno. That thing with his brother was really hard on him. And he talked about death a lot. Maybe he just wanted to get one-up on it. Buffy: But it's not doable. I mean, making someone from scraps, actually making them live. Willow: If it is, my science project's definitely coming in second this year. Xander: (spots Giles) And speaking of love... Willow: We were talking about the re-animation of d*ad tissue. Xander: Do I deconstruct your segues? Buffy: (to Giles) Hey. Giles: (distracted) Oh! Yes. Hello. Buffy: Still no sign of our mad doctors? Giles: What? Oh! Uh, corpses, yes. Evil. Huh. Very good. They see Jenny stop and talk to a student. Jenny: Did you bring it? (the student shakes his head) Tomorrow. Student: I forgot it. Giles: Very, very good. Buffy: Okay, Giles, just remember, 'I feel a thing, you feel a thing...' But personalize it. Giles: Personalize it? Buffy: She's a technopagan, right? Ask her to bless your laptop. (starts to leave) Have fun. Willow and Xander smile. Willow pats him on the shoulder and goes too. Giles: What? Oh! Don't... Xander: Best of luck. (follows the girls) Giles: ...leave? Jenny: (walks by) Good morning, Rupert. (continues without stopping) Giles: Uh, Ms. Calendar? Jenny: (looks at him but keeps going) Oh, no, please call me Jenny. Ms. Calendar's my father. Giles: (follows) Jenny, then. Cut inside the halls. They walk together. Giles: You know, uh, Jenny, um... Jenny: Hmm? Giles: Would it a-appear indecorous... Uh, no, not in-in-indecorous, um... Jenny: Yeah...? Giles: Well, um... Wha... (exhales) Ah, ah, um... Jenny: Rupert, look, I've gotta get inside and set up the lab. Giles: What, what I'm proposing is... The bell rings. Jenny: Ah! I gotta go! Sorry! (goes into her room) Giles: (to himself) You idiot! Jenny: (sticks her head back out) Hey! Listen, if it's important, why don't you just tell me at the game? Giles: Game? Oh, uh, you're going to the football game? Jenny: Yeah, you seem surprised. (smiles) Giles: No! No, I-I-I-I-I-I just assumed that you, you, you spent your evenings downloading incantations and, and, and casting bones. Jenny: On game night? Are you nuts? You're going, too, right? Giles: Oh, of course. Always, always do. Jenny: So, we should just go together! Look, I could pick you up after school, and we'll grab a bite to eat on the way if you like. How do you feel about Mexican? Giles nods. Jenny: Good! Okay! And whatever it is you wanna tell me, you can just tell me then. Okay? Giles: Okay! Tonight, then. Jenny smiles and goes back into her classroom. Giles: (to himself) That went well. I think. Cut to the science classroom. Willow is looking through a book. Willow: I still don't get how Chris could do it. I mean, arresting the cell deterioration is one thing, but... Xander: Hello! (holds up a visible head) I wanna get ahead. Willow: (exhales) Maybe an electrical current combined with an adrenaline boost. Xander: For the love of God, can somebody scratch my nose? Buffy: (comes into the room) Well, it's official. Chris and Eric didn't come to school today. Xander: That's no coincidence. Willow: Maybe they finished their project. Buffy: God! What if it worked? What, what if that poor girl is walking around? Xander: Poor girls, technically. Buffy: What could she be thinking? Willow: And what are they gonna do with her? Giles: (comes in also) I don't think we need to worry about that just yet. I spoke to a press person this morning about the remains. The police have finished sorting through them, and apparently they found three heads in the dumpster. Buffy: They only had three girls. Giles: Precisely. Willow: So, they don't have the whole, uh, package? Xander: Heads must be no good. Huh. I found 'em attractive enough. (gets looks from the girls) Well, obviously I'm not as sick as Chris and Eric. Giles: Based on what the police have put together, I would say they're one step short of completing their masterpiece. Willow: One step. The camera pans around the visible head. Cut to Chris' basement. Eric: We're running out of time. If we wait too long, the onset of atrophy in the limbs will be irreversible. Chris: We can turn up the current. That'll buy us a day, at least. Eric: We will lose the entire body if we don't attach a head soon. Chris: We have time. Eric: We don't! The crash with the girls was lucky. But we can't just keep waiting around for another lucky accident to drop a head in our laps. You know what we have to do. Hell, it's just one lousy girl. Chris: I won't do it. I... I can't... k*ll anyone. (turns to the shadows) Please! Understand. I... I can't do that! Please don't make me. Daryl: But you gave me your word. You promised me, little brother. (comes into the light) That I wouldn't be alone. His face is discolored and criss-crossed with stitches. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ Chris' basement. Eric: The body is perfect. And if we harvest a head tonight, she'll be ready by sunrise. Daryl: When you brought me back you promised you'd take care of me. I need this, Chris. I need someone. Chris: Please don't ask me to do this. Don't ask me to take a life. Eric: I tried to tell him. If you take a life in order to make a life, the whole thing is a wash. No harm, no foul. Chris: Maybe you could... you could go out... Daryl: No! Chris: Let people know. Daryl: They can't see me. Chris, you've always been smarter than me. You were always the brains. You're the only one who can help me now. Third and long, seconds to go. Where do you throw? Where do you throw? Chris: Number five. Daryl's gonna drive. Daryl: Help me, brother. Chris nods. Daryl hugs him. Daryl: Thank you. (to Eric) Show me! Eric shows Daryl the pictures. Daryl: (points) This one. Eric: Ha, ha. A man of taste. He grabs a pair of scissors and cuts around Cordelia's hair. Eric: (sings) My girl / Talkin' 'bout my girl / My girl He snips her head off. Cut to the library. Willow: I checked the obits. Nothing that would make for a likely candidate. Xander: They seem kinda picky for guys who had three heads to begin with. Willow: Formaldehyde. Giles: Formaldehyde. Yes, yes, yes, yes, of course, it accelerates neural decay in the brain cells. Willow: After a couple days they're useless. They're gonna need something really fresh. Buffy: How fresh? Willow: As fresh as possible. Buffy, you don't think that they would... Buffy: I think anybody who cuts d*ad girls into little pieces does not get the benefit of any doubt. I wanna end this thing now. Giles: I second that. Buffy: Okay, fine. You guys go to Eric's, we can go to Chris', and meet up. Giles: (remembering) Oh! I'm supposed to be at the big game, I-I believe it's called. Buffy: Fine. Go ahead. We'll take care of this. Giles: Well, yes, but shouldn't I, I-I, um... Buffy: Okay, then why don't, uh, we all meet there? Giles: Fine. Yes. Willow: Buffy? Don't be too hard on Chris. I mean, he's not a vampire. Buffy: No. He's just a ghoul. They leave the library. Cut to Chris' house. His mother answers the door for Buffy. Buffy: Hi. Um, I'm a friend of Chris'. I kinda need to talk to him. Uh, do you know if he's home? Chris' Mom goes back inside and sits down again. Buffy comes in and closes the door. Buffy: So, is he home? Mrs. Epps: Westbury game. November 17, '95. Daryl rushed 185 yards that night. Four TD's. He was MVP, and he made All-City that season. Buffy: Yeah, that was a great one. Um, but is Chris home? Mrs. Epps: I dunno. Is today a school day? Oh, watch! Watch this move! Daryl takes a kickoff, he sheds one, two, three defenders, and he breaks into the open field for a ninety-five yard touchdown! Buffy sees the basement door with its 'Keep Out' and 'No Admittance' signs. Mrs. Epps: He woulda been nineteen next week. Buffy goes over to the basement door and opens it. She quietly makes her way down the stairs. She looks around a bit, and then goes over to the table. There she finds the pictures of herself and Willow. She also finds the plans for the body with Cordelia's face pasted on top. Buffy: (whispers) Cordelia! Daryl sneaks up behind her, but the door opens and they both look up. Buffy quickly hops over to the open basement window and climbs out. Daryl watches her go. Cut to the girls' locker room. Cordelia is putting on her lip-gloss. Joy, the cheerleading squad leader, walks by with Lisa. Joy: Cordelia. You coming? Cordelia: Yeah, I'll be right out. She finishes putting on her lip-gloss and sees Chris appear behind her in the mirror. She's startled and turns to face him. Cordelia: Oh, God! Chris, you scared me. What are you doing in here? He looks down and away from her. Cordelia: Is something wrong? She screams as Eric pulls a bag over her head and drags her off. Chris just looks away. Cut to a hall. Buffy comes around a corner and sees Joy and Lisa coming down the stairs. Buffy: Joy! Lisa! Where's Cordelia? Joy: Cordelia has a game to think about. She doesn't need losers like you. (tries to go) Buffy: (blocks her way) I'm sorry, what did you say? Cut to the locker room. Eric has Cordelia on the floor, trying to tie her hands. Buffy comes running down the adjoining hall and stops to look into the locker room. Eric sees her and gets up to defend himself. Buffy comes running in and jump kicks him, knocking him down. She crouches down and pulls the bag off of Cordelia's head. Buffy: Are you okay? Cordelia: Oh my God, Buffy! Eric gets up and runs away. Buffy: Don't worry, he's gone. Cordelia: I was on my way down to the field when Chris came in, and all of a sudden someone jumped me. Buffy: Shh! Quiet down. Relax. Take it easy. Cordelia: (hears music) That's the fight song. Oh my God, it's time for the cheerleader pyramid at mid-field. I've gotta go. Buffy: Well, are you sure you're okay to go out there? Cordelia: Yeah, you don't understand, I *have* to go. I'm the apex! (runs out) Buffy hears a noise and looks around. Buffy: Chris? (walks slowly) I know what you're trying to do. You and Eric. I know about the bodies from the cemetery. But you haven't hurt anyone yet. (Chris steps out into the open) Look, I know what it's like to lose someone that you're close to. But that's no excuse. What you're doing is wrong. Chris: I have to do this for him. He needs someone. Buffy: Who, Eric? He needs industrial strength therapy! Chris: He always looked out for me. Stood up for me. He's all alone. Everybody loved him. And now he's all alone. Buffy: Who are you talking... (realizes) Oh my God! Cut to Chris' basement. Daryl is trashing the place. Daryl: (yelling) You promised me! You promised I wouldn't have to be alone! Eric: It's not too late. Daryl comes over to him and lifts him by the shirt. Eric: Nothing's changed! We can still do this! You and me. Your brother's not the only one who can create life. Whadaya say? Daryl sets him down. Eric takes a few deep breaths. Eric: Let's go scare you up a date. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ Chris' Basement. Buffy and Chris come in and quickly descend the stairs. Buffy: Daryl! Daryl? Daryl! She takes a quick look around. Buffy: He's not here. Where else could he be? Chris: But he would never go out. U-unless... Buffy: He's gonna pick up where you left off. She makes quick strides to get out of the basement and over to the game. After a moment's hesitation Chris follows her. Cut to the game. Cordelia is doing a cheer with the squad. Squad: Go, Razorbacks, go! Go, team, go! Go, Razorbacks, go! Go, team, go! On the field the ball is snapped, thrown, caught and run in for a touchdown. The crowd goes wild. Cut to Jenny and Giles coming from the refreshment stand. His arms are full of snacks and drinks. Jenny: I don't know what it is about football that does it for me. I mean, it lacks the, the grace of basketball, the, uh, poetry of baseball. At its best it's unadorned aggression. It's such a rugged contest. Giles: Rugged. American football. (laughs) They climb into the stands. Jenny: And that's funny because? Giles: No! (laughs) I just think it's rather odd (they sit) that a nation that prides itself on its virility should feel compelled to strap on forty pounds of protective gear just in order to play rugby. Jenny: Is this your normal strategy for a first date? Dissing my country's national pastime? Giles: Did you just say 'date'? Jenny: You noticed that, huh? Willow: Hi, Ms. Calendar! Hi, Giles. Jenny: Hey, guys. What's up? Willow: Eric's was a bust. Nothing there. Xander: Yeah, nothing but a bunch of computer equipment and a p*rn collection so prodigious it even scared me. Willow: Did Buffy get back yet? Giles: No, uh, no. Uh, perhaps you should, uh, circulate nearer the field, see what you can find. Willow and Xander slip under the railing and sit in front of Giles and Jenny. Xander reaches back and takes Giles' popcorn. Xander: So, what's the score? Giles and Jenny are unhappy about them sitting right there. Cut to a view of the field from behind the spectators. The teams are getting in position for the next play. The ball is snapped. Cut under the stands. Daryl is crawling along, looking for Cordelia. He sees the action on the field and stops a moment to watch and remember. A player on the field gets tackled, but has gained several yards and gets high- fives from his teammates. Daryl lowers his eyes a moment, then notices Cordelia. She takes a break from cheerleading and walks over to the coolers next to the bleachers for a drink. Daryl comes up behind her as she drinks and grabs her. She screams, but her yell is drowned out by the crowd cheering another touchdown. The other cheerleaders jump and wave their pompoms. On the field the players help the scoring team member up and pat him on the back. Buffy and Chris arrive by the bleachers. Buffy: I don't see her. Do you? Chris: No. Buffy lets out a frustrated breath. Cut to the old science lab at the school. Cordelia has been blindfolded and is being tied to a gurney. Cordelia: Please, what's going on? Just take off the blindfold. I promise I won't scream! I promise! Daryl lifts the sheet from the headless body they've constructed. Daryl: She's beautiful! Eric: No! It's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding. Daryl puts the sheet back down and goes over to Cordelia. Cordelia: Please? Just take off the blindfold! I promise I won't scream! I promise! Daryl: Cordelia? He takes off her blindfold. She takes one look at him and screams at the top of her lungs. Eric: You can scream all you want. We're in an abandoned building. Cordelia screams for help at an even higher pitch. Eric holds up a pan and thr*at to h*t her with it. Eric: Okay, that's enough. Cordelia stops her screaming, and Eric puts the pan back down. Daryl: You were always good to me. Always noticed me. But I ignored you. I'm sorry. I'm glad I have a second chance to tell you that. Cordelia: D-Daryl? Daryl: I was thoughtless. I see that now. But I've changed. I've learned to appreciate how much it meant that you wanted to be with me. Eric: We're ready. Cordelia: Ready? Ready for what? Eric: You're gonna feel a little pinch, maybe some discomfort around the neck area. But don't worry. When you wake up, you'll have the body of a seventeen-year-old. In fact, you'll have the body of several. He lifts the sheet, and Cordelia lets out a very intense scream when she sees the body. Cut back to the game. Buffy walks over to the cooler and finds Cordelia's pompoms. Buffy: He was here, Chris. Where did he take her? Chris: To the rest of the body. To the lab. Buffy: Where is that? Chris: I promised him that I... Buffy: Look, he'll k*ll Cordelia! You can't just give and take lives like that. It's not your job. Chris: He's in the old science lab. Everything's set up there. Buffy: Thank you. Now find Xander and Willow and tell them what's going on. She leaves quickly for the lab. Chris goes to find the others. Cut to the lab. Eric is pouring gasoline into a sink. Cordelia: (frightened) Daryl, please. You don't have to do this. Daryl: We have to. So we can be together. Cordelia: We'll be together anyway! I'll be with you, I promise! Daryl: Is that right? Cordelia: Mm hm! Daryl: You see anything you like? He goes over to the other body and lifts the sheet. Daryl: And when you're finished you won't go out. You won't run away. But we can hide together. Cordelia: (very frightened) Please! Please! Eric holds a Kn*fe into a flame a moment, and then comes over to her. Eric: Sterile enough for government work. He bends over Cordelia to begin the procedure. Cordelia: No! No, please! There is a loud pounding on the door. It breaks open and Buffy comes in. Eric turns around, sees her and throws the Kn*fe at her. She catches it in midair. Cordelia: Buffy, help me! Eric runs away. Buffy: Daryl, listen. I know what you're doing, okay? Your brother sent me to stop you. Daryl: He wouldn't do that. My brother loves me. Cordelia: Buffy, they're crazy! Buffy: It's okay, Cordelia. I'm gonna get you outta here. Daryl: No, I'm not done with her yet! He turns to the instrument tray and fumbles around for something. He grabs a cleaver. Daryl: I'm not finished! He takes the cleaver back to Cordelia and tries to start hacking at her neck. Buffy rushes over, grabs Daryl's arm, knocks the cleaver away and punches him in the face. She scrambles around the table to continue the fight, but Daryl punches her hard in the face. He grabs her, slams her head into the instrument tray and throws her over Cordelia and onto the floor. Daryl: I won't live alone! He pushes Cordelia's gurney aside, and it knocks over the can of gasoline. The gas starts pouring out onto the floor. Eric: I'm getting out of here! Daryl: (grabs Eric by the shirt) You have to help me! Eric: Let go! Daryl throws Eric aside and faces Buffy again. Eric slides into a barrel with his head and gets knocked out. Daryl comes at Buffy. She kicks him in the knee, making him collapse to the floor. She kicks him again in the gut as he tries to get up. He tries to get up again, and she kicks him in the face. He's not fazed, gets up and tries to swing at her. She ducks it. He tries again, and she ducks again and kicks him in the chest, sending him staggering backward and knocking the Bunsen burner to the floor, igniting the gasoline. Xander shows up. Xander: Buffy! Buffy: Get Cordelia! Cordelia: Xander! Xander runs over to Cordelia and tries to untie her. Cordelia: Get me out of here! Daryl grabs hold of Buffy and flips her over onto the floor. As she gets up he grabs a canister and throws it at her. She ducks it. The flames around Cordelia and Xander are starting to get higher. Buffy kicks Daryl twice in the side. Cordelia: C'mon! C'mon! Get it off! Daryl grabs Buffy again, lifts her and holds on to her while she struggles to free herself. Xander is getting nowhere with Cordelia's bindings and tries to find a Kn*fe. Cordelia: Get it off! Get me outta here! C'mon! Buffy continues to struggle in Daryl's grip. Giles and Willow show up. Xander gives up looking and decides to just wheel Cordelia out. Willow and Giles spot Eric, pick him up and get him out. Xander gives the gurney a good shove, hops on and they roll through the flames while Cordelia screams. He hops off, and Jenny helps him stop the gurney. They get Cordelia loose. Buffy hits Daryl in the neck, and he lets go of her. She tries to kick him again, but he grabs her leg, lifts her up and throws her to the floor. Buffy is stunned and lies there while Daryl grabs a desk and raises it over his head. Chris: Daryl! Daryl looks behind him and sees his brother there. Chris: Don't! Daryl looks back at Buffy and then notices the body surrounded by flames. He tosses the desk aside and rushes over to it. Daryl: She's mine! Chris: Daryl! Buffy gets up and stops Chris from running into the flames after Daryl. Chris: Daryl! Jenny watches, stunned as Giles comes back into the room behind her and looks on as well. Daryl: No. We'll be together always. No! Mine! The flames engulf Daryl and his bride-to-be. Cut outside. There are f*re engines and police all over. The camera pans down from above over to Chris and Buffy. Chris: The first time he woke up after... He said I shouldn'ta brought him back. I-I was just... tryin' to look out for him. Like... he woulda done for me. Angel: (suddenly shows up) I saw the f*re. I figured you'd be here. Is everyone okay? Buffy: Yeah. We're okay. Cut to Giles walking up to Jenny. He hands her a cup of coffee. Giles: Sorry about all this. Jenny: It's okay. Although a good rule of thumb for a first date is don't do anything so exciting that it'll be hard to top on the second date. Giles: Believe it or not, since I've moved here to live on top of the Hellmouth, the events of this evening actually qualify as a slow night. (pauses and considers) Did you just say 'second date'? Jenny: You noticed that, huh? (smiles) Giles smiles back and takes a sip of his coffee. Cut to Willow and Xander. Xander: Well, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off. Vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me. You ever think that the world is a giant game of musical chairs, and the music's stopped and we're the only ones who don't have a chair? Willow: All the time. Cordelia: Xander? I just wanted to thank you for saving my life. What you did in there was really brave and heroic, and I just wanted to tell you if there was anything that I could ever do to... Xander: Do you mind? We're talking here. Cordelia is taken aback, rolls her eyes and leaves. Xander: So where were we? Willow: Wondering why we never get dates. Xander: Yeah, so why do you think that is? Cut to the cemetery. Angel and Buffy are strolling through. Buffy: God, the whole thing was so creepy. Well, at the same time, I mean... he did do it all for his brother. Angel: Sounds like he took it a little over the edge. Buffy: Love makes you do the wacky. Angel: What? Buffy: Crazy stuff. Angel: Oh. Crazy, like a two-hundred-and-forty-one-year-old being jealous of a high school junior? Buffy: Are you fessing up? Angel: I've thought about it. Maybe it bothers me a little. Buffy: I don't love Xander. Angel: Yeah, but he's in your life. He gets to be there when I can't. Take your classes, eat your meals, hear your jokes and complaints. He gets to see you in the sunlight. Buffy: I don't look that good in direct light. Angel: It'll be morning soon. Buffy: I should probably go. I could walk you home. They look at each

{"type": "series", "show": "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "episode": "02x02 - Some Assembly Required"}

foreverdreaming

~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~ In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. Sunnydale High. Snyder: A lot of educators tell students, 'Think of your principal as your pal.' Cut to Snyder's office. He's lecturing Buffy and Sheila. Snyder: I say, 'Think of me as your judge, jury, and executioner.' Tell me, who do you think is the most troublesome student in this school? The camera pans from Sheila, looking blase', over to Buffy, looking apprehensive. Snyder: Well, it is quite a match between you two. On the one hand, Buffy hasn't s*ab a horticulture teacher with a trowel. Sheila: I didn't s*ab anyone with a trowel. They were pruning shears. Snyder: On the other hand, Sheila has never b*rned down a school building. Buffy: W-well, that was never proven. The f*re Marshall said i-it coulda been mice. Snyder: Mice. Buffy: M-mice that were smoking? Snyder: The two of you seem to be tied in the class-cutting and fight- starting events. You really are neck and neck here. It's quite exciting. Sheila: What does the winner get? Snyder: Expelled. (Buffy looks at him in shock) Thursday is Parent- Teacher night. Your parents, assuming you have any, will meet your teachers, assuming you have any left. I've decided to put the two of you in charge of this event. You have three days to prepare the refreshments, make the banners and transform the school lounge into a habitable place for adults. This will incur my good will. And may affect what I tell your parents when I meet them. Are we clear? Buffy: I'm clear. (to Sheila) Don't you feel clear? (Sheila just looks back) We're very clear. Snyder: Good. Because you mess up this time, and your parents will be coming to clean out your lockers. Cut to the school's main entrance. The bell rings. Buffy and Sheila come walking out of the building. Buffy: Well, it shouldn't be that hard. We can work on the banners at lunch tomorrow and figure out refreshments then? Sheila: Yeah, sure, whatever. (yells) Hey, meatpie! (walks off) Xander and Willow meet up with Buffy. Xander: Snyder's got you guys making party favors, huh? Buffy: His two worst students. That's what mom sees when she looks at me. A Sheila. Sheila kisses an older boy with long, blonde hair. Xander: Well, Sheila's definitely intense. That guy with her? That's the guy she *can* bring home to mother. Willow: She was already smoking in fifth grade. Once I was lookout for her. Xander: (to Willow) You're bad to the bone. Willow: I'm a rebel. Buffy: It's not fair. I'm the Slayer. That requires a certain amount of cutting and fighting. What's Sheila's excuse? Xander: Homework. She won't do it. And most teachers respect that now. Oh, you might wanna keep away any sharp implements when you're working with her. Buffy: Do you think any other Slayers ever had to go to high school? Xander: It's no biggie. You'll have a nice soire'e. The parents will love it. As long as nothing really bad happens between now and then, you'll be fine. Buffy: Are you crazy? What did you say that for? Now something bad is gonna happen! Xander: Whadaya mean? Nothing's gonna happen. Willow: Not until some dummy says, 'as long as nothing bad happens.' Buffy: It's the ultimate jinx! Willow: What were you thinking? Or were you even thinking at all? The girls give Xander looks of exasperation and walk off. Xander: Well, you guys don't know. (hugs his satchel) Maybe this time it'll be different. Cut to a small park and playground that night. A classic 1958 Dodge Desoto FireFlite crashes through the 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign and screeches to a halt. Spike gets out and strolls over to the curb. He takes a deep breath and lights a cigarette. Spike: Home, sweet home. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ Inside Collin's warehouse. Vampire#1: The Master is d*ad. Someone has to take his place. Vampire#2: As long as the Slayer's alive, whoever takes his place will be sharing his grave. Vampire#1: Then let the soul who kills her wear his mantle. Collin: Can you do it? Vampire#1: Yes. This weekend, the night of St. Vigeous, our power shall be at its peak. When I k*ll her, it'll be the greatest event since the crucifixion. And I should know. I was there. Spike: (appears behind them) *You* were *there*? (chuckles) Oh, please! If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock. Vampire#1: I oughta rip your throat out. Spike: (turns his back to him and strolls away) I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flowerperson, and I spent the next six hours watchin' my hand move. Vampire#1 rushes him from behind, and Spike swings his fist up without even looking, hitting him in the face and knocking him down and out. Spike: So. Who do you k*ll for fun around here? Collin: Who are you? Spike: Spike. You're that Anointed guy. I read about you. (growls at vampire#2) You've got Slayer problems. That's a bad piece of luck. Do you know what I find works real good with Slayers? k*lling them. Collin: Can you? Spike: A lot faster than Nancy-boy there. Yeah, I did a couple Slayers in my time. I don't like to brag. (can't keep a straight face) Who am I kidding? I *love* to brag! There was this one Slayer during the Boxer Rebellion, and... He senses someone behind him and turns his head to look as he morphs into his human guise. Spike: Drusilla. (goes to her) You shouldn't be walking around. You're weak. Drusilla: Look at all the people. Are these nice people? Spike: We're getting along. Drusilla: (stares at Collin) This one has power. I could feel it from the outside. Spike: Yeah. He's the big noise in these parts. Anointed, and all that. Drusilla: (to Collin) Do you like daisies? Hmm? I plant them, but they always die. Everything I put in the ground withers and dies. (looks up and off into space) Spike? I'm cold. Spike: (puts his jacket around her) I've got you. Drusilla: I'm a princess. Spike: That's what you are. She pricks Spike on the cheek with her fingernail, and a bead of blood flows out. She reaches up and licks it off. They move close to kiss but don't, and instead look over at Collin. Spike: Me and Dru, we're movin' in. (they separate) Now. Any of you want to test who's got the biggest wrinklies 'round here... step on up. (to Collin) I'll do your Slayer for you. But you keep your flunkies from tryin' anything behind my back. Deal? Collin nods. Drusilla bows her head down and puts her hands to her temples. Drusilla: I can't see her. The Slayer. I can't see. (looks back up) It's dark where she is. k*ll her. k*ll her, Spike. k*ll her for me? Spike: It's done, baby. Drusilla: k*ll her for princess? Spike: I'll chop her into messes. Drusilla: You are my sweet... my little Spike. Spike: (to Collin) So. How 'bout this Slayer? Is she tough? Cut to Buffy's room. She's standing at her mirror, trying to brush her hair. Buffy: Ow! Joyce: What's wrong? Buffy: I spent a good part of my allowance on this new cream rinse, and it's neither creamy nor rinsey. Joyce: Life is hard, dear. Buffy: Don't I know it. Is that a split end? Joyce: I got the mail. Buffy: Good. Joyce: Which included a reminder notice about Parent-Teacher night. Thursday. Buffy: That's good. Joyce: Which you were planning on telling me about? Buffy: Oh, for... (faces her mom) the last two weeks. Joyce: Uh-huh. So, what do you think your teachers are gonna tell me about? Buffy: Well, I think they'll all agree that I always bring a pen to class, ready to absorb the knowledge. (sits on her bed) Joyce: And, uh, this absorption rate? How is it reflected in your homework and test scores? Buffy: What can you really tell about a person from a test score? Joyce: Whether or not she's ever going out with her friends again. Buffy: Oh, that. Joyce: Well, I look forward to meeting your principal. Buffy: Won't that be something. Joyce: (comes over to the bed) Look, sweetheart. Life is more than grades and homework and not getting kicked out of school. (sits next to Buffy) Buffy: I know. Joyce: But we moved once because of you getting in trouble. And I had to start a new business, not to mention a new life in a whole new town. Buffy: And you don't wanna do it again. Joyce: What I don't want is to be disappointed in you again. Buffy: Mom, that's the last thing that I want, too. (exhales) I'm trying, I really am. I just... I have a lot of pressure on me right now. Joyce: Wait till you get a job. Sleep tight. (gets up and leaves) Buffy gets up from her bed and walks over to her desk. She pulls open the top left drawer. In it is a jar of holy water, a cross, a few stakes, a set of brass knuckles. She looks up at her reflection in the mirror. Buffy: I have a job. Cut to the school. Cut to the lounge. Buffy and Willow are working on a banner. Willow: Sheila's a no-show? She goes to this really rank bar. The Fish t*nk? Sometimes they have raids and other stuff that can make you tardy. Buffy: D'you think you can help me cram some French tonight? I don't want Mr. DeJean telling my mother I'm an imbecile. Willow: I thought we were going to the Bronze tonight. 'Cause of how you thought Angel might show? Xander: If he does he'll meet some other nice girl? Studying comes first. Buffy: We're going to the Bronze. I can study and party and do Parent- Teacher night and make my mother proud as long as I don't have to... Giles and Jenny come walking in. Giles: Buffy! Buffy: ...fight vampires. Giles: (to Jenny) There is nothing in the chronicles about a-an extraneous lunar cycle. Jenny: The Order never accurately calculated the Mesopotamian Calendar. Rupert, you have *got* to read something that was published after 1066. Giles: Very funny. Xander: What's the up, guys? Giles: W-um, Ms. Calendar has been researching, well, uh, surfing on her computer, a-and she's... Well, according to her calculations, this Saturday is the night of St. Vigeous. Buffy: Let me guess: he didn't make balloon animals. Giles: No, he led a crusade, of, of, uh, vampires. They swept through Edessa, Harran, and points east. Jenny: And they didn't leave much behind. Buffy: Well, if I survive Parent-Teacher night tomorrow, I'll see what I can do about Saturday. Giles: You're being a tad flip, don't you think? This is serious. Buffy: And getting kicked out of school is laughs aplenty? Giles: You know what happens when you, you let your life interfere with your slaying. Buffy: Okay, well, if my slaying doesn't get me expelled, then I promise my banner making won't get me k*lled, okay? Just please let me get through this week. Giles: This Saturday's going to need a great deal of preparation. Willow: Well, we'll help. Xander: Yeah, I'll whittle stakes. Willow: A-and I can research stuff. Xander: And while I'm whittling, I plan to whistle a jaunty tune. Giles: Yes, your help will be greatly appreciated, but when it comes to battle, Buffy must fight alone. You are, after all, the Slay... (sees Snyder in the hall) ...slay-ve. Slaves. You're, you're all slaves to the, uh, television. Jenny: Yes. Giles: Young people nowadays. (to Jenny) Shall we go? Jenny: Mm, let's. (they leave) Snyder comes over. Snyder: (to Willow and Xander) You wouldn't be helping Buffy in Sheila's place, would you? Xander: (laughs nervously) No. Willow: We're hindering. Snyder: She ditched. (takes a deep breath) Mm. I feel an expulsion coming on. Buffy: No. No, actually, Sheila's been helping us for hours. Um, she just went to get some more paint. Sheila comes in the door behind Buffy and takes off her glasses. Buffy notices Snyder looking behind her, turns around and sees her. Buffy: Oh! Oh, is there no more teal in the art room? (goes over to Sheila) I know you wanted everything to be perfect, but let's just go with what we have. Snyder: Just make sure everything is perfect on Thursday. (turns and leaves) Sheila: Thanks for covering. Guy's a serious rodent. Buffy: No problem. Sheila: Did you really burn down a school building one time? Buffy: Well, not actually one time. Sheila: Cool. Cut to the Bronze. Nickel is the band tonight. They're in the middle of playing "1000 Nights". Xander dances lamely by himself as Willow helps Buffy with her French at a table. Lyrics: A drink you can't resist / And in your head a voice you'll always miss Buffy: La vache... doit me... touche... de la... jeudi. (looks at Willow) Was it wrong? Should I use the plural? Willow: No. But you said, 'The cow should touch me from Thursday.' Buffy: Maybe that's what I was feeling. Willow: And you said it wrong. Buffy: Oh, je stink. Willow: You're just not focused. It's Angel missage. Buffy: Well, he didn't say for sure. It was a 'maybe see ya there' kinda deal. Xander: Guys, I'm all alone out there. Somebody has to dance with me. Willow: Well, we are studying. Xander: C'mon, one dance. You've been studying nearly twelve minutes. Buffy: No wonder my brain's fried. She gets up. Willow starts to protest, but Buffy and Xander drag her along with them. Buffy: Come on. Spike walks up to their table and watches them dance as the band starts a new song, "Stupid Thing". Lyrics: I did a stupid thing last night / I called you / A moment of weakness / No, not a moment / More like three months of weakness Spike walks along the edge of the dance floor and studies Buffy intently. Xander and Buffy dance lively. Willow doesn't move much, but smiles widely, enjoying herself. Lyrics: I'm one step away from crashing to my knees / One step away from spilling my guts to you Spike goes over to vampire#1 at the bar. Spike: Go get something to eat. Lyrics: I'm doing all right / No, don't feel sorry for me / Really I'm all right / I'm one step away from crashing to my knees He comes back to some people near where Buffy, Willow and Xander are dancing and speaks loudly so that Buffy is sure to overhear. Spike: Where's the phone? I need to call the police. There's some big guy out there trying to bite somebody. Buffy runs from the dance floor. Spike watches her go. Cut outside to the alley. Vampire#1 has found a young woman. She trembles with fear as he grabs her neck and moves in for the bite. Buffy grabs him by the shoulder and pulls him off of her. He somersaults and rolls up to his feet. Vampire#1: Slayer! Buffy: Slayee! She does a roundhouse kick to his face. He only flinches a bit. He swings at her, but she sidesteps the blow. She swings back, and he grabs her arm, swings her around and throws her into a metal roll-up door. She hits it high and hard and falls to the ground, but quickly gets up again. He swings again and hits the metal door with his fist when she ducks the punch. Xander and Willow arrive. Buffy blocks the vampire's punch and holds on to his arm. She looks behind her at the others. Buffy: Get her out of here! She turns her attention to punching the vampire repeatedly in the face. Willow grabs the woman and pulls her away and out of danger. Buffy: (to the rhythm of her punches) And a *stake* would be *nice*! Xander runs to find a stake. Spike looks on from the side. Cut inside to the table. Xander goes though Buffy's purse. He pulls out a yo-yo and sets it aside. He pulls out a tampon and quickly drops it like a hot potato. He finds a stake, and rushes back out. Cut to the alley. Buffy punches the vampire's face again and then his chest. He gets loose from her and lands a punch on her face. She goes spinning down to the ground and lies there, momentarily stunned. The vampire looms over her. Vampire#1: I don't need to wait for St. Vigeous. You're mine. He bends down to get her, and she kicks him in the face. He staggers backward as she maneuvers to he feet. Vampire#1: Spike! Gimme a hand! Buffy looks over at Spike in the shadows. Xander is back with the stake. Xander: Buffy! She turns to him and he throws her the stake. She catches it out of the air, and in a smooth, swift motion plunges it home into the vampire's chest. He doesn't even have time to fall before he crumbles to ashes. Spike comes out of the shadows slowly clapping his hands. Buffy looks at him with a confused expression on her face. Willow and Xander see him, too. Spike: Nice work, love. Buffy: Who are you? Spike: You'll find out on Saturday. Buffy: What happens on Saturday? Spike: I k*ll you. Buffy is speechless and just watches him leave. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ The alley outside the Bronze. Sheila comes out with two guys and they walk along the alley. Sheila: Alright. Which one's Dwayne and which one's Dell? (hic) Don't tell me. Dell's the one with the tattoos. You guys weren't lyin' about havin' a Cadillac, were you? 'Cause I'm crazy about a Cad. Just the feel of the leather makes me wanna... She's gotten a bit ahead of Dwayne and stops to look back at him. She sees he's gone. Sheila: Where'd you go? She looks the other way at Dell, and he's gone, too. Sheila: What's going on? (starts walking slowly, looking around) Where are you guys? Not funny! She turns around and is startled by Spike. Sheila: Who are you? Spike: Who do you want me to be? Sheila: Did you see... Spike: ...those two losers who thought they were good enough for you? Sheila: What happened to 'em? Spike: They got sleepy. Sheila: Huh? Spike: And you got something a whole lot better. He slowly walks past her and down the alley. She follows him with her gaze. Sheila: Hey, wait up! What's your name? She starts after him. The camera follows her, but then pans down to Dwayne and Dell, d*ad in a pile of trash. Cut to the library. The table is full of books, and Xander, Willow and Jenny are looking through them doing research. Giles: Spike. That's what the other vampire called him? That's a little unorthodox, isn't it? Buffy: Maybe he's reformed. Giles: Perhaps he went by another name in... times past. Jenny: Well, whoever he is, we'll need all the help we can get come this Saturday. Xander: So, this night of St. Vigeous deal. If they're gonna att*ck in force, aren't we thinkin' vacation? Willow: We can't run, that would be wrong. Could we hide? I mean, if that Spike guy is leading the att*ck, (shudders) yeeehehehe. Giles: Well, he can't be any worse than any other creature you've faced. Angel: (suddenly appears) He's worse. (they all look at him) Once he starts something he doesn't stop until everything in his path is d*ad. Xander: Hmm. So, he's thorough, goal-oriented. Buffy: We were at the Bronze before. Thought you said you might show. Angel: You said you weren't sure if you were going. Buffy: I was being cool. C'mon, you've been dating for, what, like, two hundred years? You don't know what a girl means when she says maybe she'll show? Willow: Wow, two centuries of dating. If you only had two a year, that's still, like, four hundred (Buffy gives her a look) dates with four hundred different... (looks at the mace on the table) Why do they call it a mace? Giles: Uh, we do have slightly more urgent matters to discuss. Buffy: Yeah, like keeping my mom away from Principal Snyder tomorrow night? Jenny: And not dying Saturday. Giles: Angel, do you know if this Spike fellow goes under any other name? They all look where he was, but he has disappeared. The library doors finish shutting. Xander: Okay, that's it. I'm puttin' a collar with a little bell on that guy. Cut to Drusilla's room. There is chanting going on elsewhere. The camera pans from her bed past her TV and lamp and over to her collection of dolls. She lifts one and turns it to face away. Drusilla: Miss Edith speaks out of turn. She's a bad example, and will have no cakes today. Shhhh. Spike: (comes up behind her) Darling, are you going to eat something? Drusilla: I'm not hungry. I miss Prague. Spike: You nearly died in Prague. Idiot mob. This is the place for us. (leads her to the bed) The Hellmouth will restore you, put color in your cheeks, metaphorically speaking, and in a few week's time... Drusilla: (lies back on the bed) The stars will align, and smile down on us. Spike: (leans over her) And then, God, this town will burn. Drusilla: (giggles) A pretty f*re! He rolls over her and lies down next to her. Drusilla: (hears the chanting) They're preparing. Spike: St. Vigeous is coming up. Should be a party. Sheila is tied up and gagged with her hands hanging from a hook above her. Drusilla: You should go up with them and cleanse. Spike: Dru... Drusilla: The boy doesn't trust you. They follow him. (sits up) I think sometimes that all my hair will fall out and I'll be bald. Spike: (sits up) Never happen. Alright. (gets off of the bed) I'll go up and get chanty with the fellas, but *you* (goes to Sheila) got to do me one favor. (takes Sheila off of the hook) Eat something. (hands Sheila to Drusilla and leaves) Drusilla: (turns Sheila to the dolls) You see, Miss Edith? (cut to the doll facing away) If you'd been good you could (cut to Drusilla in her game face) watch with the rest. Sheila looks at Drusilla, but can't scream because of her gag. Drusilla roars and moves in for a quick, violent bite. Cut to the school the next day. Willow checks the crossbow. Jenny walks behind her with extra pieces of wood to make stakes and sets them on the table between Cordelia and Xander, who are whittling away. Jenny continues walking over behind Buffy. Buffy holds up a large sharp machete, then starts chopping something with it. The camera pans down to show that it's a cucumber. She's preparing a vegetable tray. Giles: For three nights the unholy ones scourge themselves into a fury, um, culminating in a savage att*ck on the night of St. Vigeous. Xander: Does anybody remember when Saturday night meant date night? Cordelia: You sure don't. Buffy: Ooo! Parents start arriving in an hour. Okay, so, um, banners are in place, the lounge is comfy... What am I forgetting? Willow: Punch? Buffy: Punch. I need, I need punch! Cordelia: My fingers are cramping. How long have I been doing this? Xander: Three minutes. Cordelia: So, can I go now? She doesn't need this many stakes. I mean, if this guy Spike is as mean as you all said, it should be over pretty quickly. (Buffy looks up at her) We're still all rooting for you on Saturday. I'd be there for you myself if I didn't have a leg wax. Buffy: You guys hold down the fort. I'm punch bound. She leaves the library. As soon as she's gone Xander and Cordelia both reach over and grab something off of the vegetable tray. Buffy sticks her head back in the door. Buffy: No! Cut to later at Parent-Teacher night. Buffy is doling out the punch into cups. Willow comes over. Willow: What kinda punch did you make? Buffy: Uh, lemonade. (hands her a cup) I made it fresh and everything. Willow: How much sugar did you use? (takes a sip) Buffy: Sugar? Willow grimaces at the incredibly sour taste, and puts the cup down. Willow: It's very good. Buffy: Okay, now all I have to do is keep my mother and Snyder from crossing paths for the rest of the night. Willow: (sees Joyce) Hi, Mrs. Summers. Joyce: Hi, Willow. Hi, honey. Did you, uh, do all this? Buffy: Yeah! Um, (picks up a cup) here, have some lemonade. (sees Snyder) Right after Willow shows you the library. I have to stay here and hostess. (puts the cup back down) Willow: Great, the library. (puts her arm around Joyce's shoulder) Uh, um, ooo, no, G-Giles and everyone... Buffy: ...is locked in there studying. Right. French class it is! Willow leads Joyce away. Snyder comes up to Buffy. Snyder: Was that your mother? She grabs a cup and a ladle full of lemonade and turns toward him. Buffy: Here. (fakes a spill) Oh! Oh, sorry! Um, yeah! Yeah, I was gonna introduce you, but, um, she wouldn't have said much. Y'know, she doesn't speak a word of English. Snyder doesn't believe a word of it, and makes tracks to follow Joyce and Willow. Buffy lets out a worried moan and looks up at the clock. 6:15. Dissolve to 8:45. Cordelia comes walking in. Cordelia: Giles has us locked up in that library working on *your* w*apon. Even slaves get minimum wage. She stares at Buffy's face. Buffy: What? Cordelia: You're starting to look a little slagged. What, are you just skipping foundation entirely now? Buffy: Cordelia, I have at least three lives to contend with, none of which really mesh. It's kind of like oil and water and a... third unmeshable thing. Cordelia: Yeah, and I can see the oil. (sees Joyce talking to Willow) Is that your mom? (Buffy looks) Now that is a woman that knows how to moisturize. Did it, like, skip a generation? Joyce: (comes over) Well, I believe that I have seen every classroom on campus, and just as I get there all your teachers miraculously have stepped out. Willow smiles over Joyce's shoulder, proud of herself. Buffy: Oh! (notices Snyder coming back into the room) Oh. Um, but you haven't seen the boiler room yet. And, you know, that's really interesting, what with the boiler being in the room and all. (laughs nervously) Snyder comes up to the group. Joyce offers her hand to him. Joyce: Hi. I'm Joyce Summers. I'm Buffy's mother. Snyder: (ignores her hand) Principal Snyder. I'm afraid we need to talk. My office is down here. Joyce follows Snyder to his office. Cordelia watches them go with a huge smile on her face. Buffy: (worried) He didn't look very happy. Willow: But you did such a good job. Cordelia: When they're done talking... Buffy: What? Cordelia: My guess? Tenth high school reunion, you'll still be grounded. Buffy gives her a look. Willow: Cordelia, have some lemonade. Cordelia heads over to the punch table. Cut to the library. Giles and Jenny continue their research while Xander keeps whittling. Giles: Oh, there you are. Jenny: There who is? Giles: Our new friend Spike. He's known as 'William the Bloody'. Earned his nickname by torturing his victims with railroad spikes. Very pleasant. Well, here's some good news: he's barely two hundred. He's not even as old as Angel is. (frowns) Oh. Xander: That's a bad look, right? Giles: I think your suggestion of running away this Saturday might've been a good one. Spike has fought two Slayers in the last century, and... he's k*lled them both. Cut to the lounge. Buffy and Willow see Snyder come back in with Joyce. She comes up to her daughter. Joyce: In the car, now. Buffy and Willow exchange a concerned look. Buffy starts to follow her mom out. She turns her head to look back at Snyder, who's going around turning off the lights. Joyce waits for Buffy to join her, and they walk out of the room. Snyder goes to another switch by the back wall next to a large window and turns it off. Two vampires suddenly come crashing through the window. Buffy looks back into the room. Several more vampires follow, and they storm into the room. The people panic and begin to run around. Buffy comes back into the room. The vampires have lined themselves up. Spike: What can I say? I couldn't wait. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The lounge. Spike att*cks. Buffy grabs a chair and throws it at him, tripping him up. She runs back out of the room and grabs her mother's hand. She turns down the hall to the right, but more vampires come in that way, so she goes the other way. In the lounge Spike grabs hold of a man. Spike: Nobody gets out! Especially the girl! Cut to the hall. Another vampire is guarding an exit. Buffy heads in another direction. Buffy: Everybody, this way! C'mon! C'mon! Snyder and several others run past her as she shoves a cleaning cart into the two vampires chasing them. Willow and Cordelia come running out of the lounge and nearly trip over them. They head to their right, but a vampire grabs Cordelia and she screams. Willow grabs a bust from a display pedestal and wields it back for a swing. Willow: Hey! The vampire looks up and Willow swings the bust hard into his face, knocking him off of Cordelia. Willow grabs her hand and pulls her into a closet. Cut to the hall outside the library. Giles, Jenny and Xander come running out. Giles: What the hell...?! They see Buffy's group running toward them. Buffy: Spike and an army! Look out! They look behind them and see a vampire. Jenny screams. Giles: Back! They run back into the library and hold the door shut as the vampire slams into it. Buffy opens the door to the science classroom. Buffy: In here! Now! The people all run into the room. Buffy follows them in last and closes the door as the two vampires come running into the hall and begin banging on the door. Cut inside the classroom. Snyder and another man maneuver a storage cabinet in front of the door. Buffy runs over to the other door and closes and locks it. The power goes out. Cut to the library. Giles, Jenny and Xander look up from barricading the doors as the lights go off and the emergency lights come on. Cut to the hall outside the lounge. Spike is still holding on to the man. Vampire#2: We cut the power. Nobody got out. Spike: And the Slayer? Vampire#2: She either went that way (points to his right) or that way. (points to his left) I saw two others. Spike: You don't know?! (lets go of the man) I'm a veal kind of guy. You're too old to eat. (grabs his head and snaps his neck) But not to k*ll. (looks at vampire#2) I feel better. Cut to the library. Giles tries the phone, but it's d*ad. Giles: They've cut the phones. (has an idea) Wait a minute. There's an old boarded up-cellar behind the stacks. You can get out that way. (to Xander) Find Angel. He knows about Spike. We need him. Xander: No, I'm not going anywhere until I know that Buffy and Willow are alright. Giles: No one will be alright unless we get some help! Xander gives in and goes. Cut to the classroom. Man: Who are those people, and what do they want? Joyce: I didn't get much of a look, but is there something wrong with their faces? I... Snyder: Yes! PCP! It's a g*ng on PCP! We've gotta get out of here. He grabs a desk, sets it in front of a window and starts climbing. Buffy: You can't go outside! They'll k*ll you! Snyder: You don't tell me! I tell you! Buffy: (pulls him down) They will k*ll everybody in this room. Nobody goes out, nobody comes in until *I* say so. Do you hear me? Snyder: Who do you think you are? Buffy: I'm the one that knows how to stop them. She looks up and walks across the room, trying to find a way into the ceiling. Joyce grabs her by the shoulders. Joyce: Buffy, are you crazy? Look, I know you've been accused of fighting and other things, but those guys are serious. You can't go out there. Buffy: I know. That's why I'm going up there. She grabs a stool, sets it on a lab table, climbs up and pushes a ceiling panel aside. She looks down at her mom. Buffy: Don't worry, Mom. She lifts herself up into the ceiling. Cut to the halls. Spike is looking for Buffy. Spike: Slaaayer! Here, kitty, kittyyy. I find one of your friends first, I'm gonna suck 'em dry. And use their bones to bash your head in. (kicks a door open) The camera closes on the closet where Willow and Cordelia are hiding. Cut inside. Cordelia is holding a broom for defense. Spike: Are you getting a word picture here? Cordelia: (whispers) Oh, God, oh, God! Willow clasps her hand around Cordelia's mouth to keep her quiet. Cut to the hall. Spike is about to kick the closet door open when he's distracted. Vampire#2: Spike! Listen... They listen and hear activity in the ceiling. Cut to Buffy crawling through the ceiling space. Cut to the hall. Spike: (sing-song) Someone's in the ceeeeeiling! Cut to the library. Giles stuffs several stakes into his jacket pockets, grabs a battle-ax from the table and heads toward the door. Jenny: Hey-hey-hey-hey! What are you doing? Giles starts to push his way through the barricade they constructed. Jenny: There are at least three vampires in that hall! God only knows how many others in the building! Giles: (looks at Jenny) Listen! I am the Watcher! I am responsible for her, and I have, I have to go! He starts pushing things aside again. Jenny: Rupert! He looks back at her again. Jenny: Be careful. Giles: Push these back as soon as I... Buffy breaks through the ceiling and drops to the floor. Jenny steps back in surprise. Giles lifts his ax. Giles: Buffy! (lowers the ax) You're all right! Buffy takes off her outer sweater. Jenny: How are the others? Buffy: Principal Snyder, my mother and four others are locked in the science room across the hall. Willow and Cordelia ran the other way. (puts on Xander's bag) I don't know if they're... Where's Xander? Giles: He got out through the stacks. He's getting Angel. Jenny helps Buffy put crosses and stakes into the bag. Buffy: Good. Okay, I'm gonna take the vamps out in the hall. After that you get my mother and the others out the same way. Giles: Let me help you. Buffy: Giles, my mother's in that room. If I don't make it out of here, I know you'll make sure she does. Giles: Bloody right, I will. Fair enough. What's your plan? Buffy: Well, they split up to hold us here, so I'm gonna take 'em one on one. Set 'em up and knock 'em down. She grabs a stool and positions it under the hole in the ceiling. She gets up on the stool and lifts herself back up. Giles: Watch your back! Cut to the science classroom. Snyder is pacing. Joyce: Why don't you sit down? Snyder: This is my school. What I say goes, and I say this is *not* happening. Joyce: Well, then I guess the danger's over! Man: I'm not waiting for them to open the doors. I'm gettin' out! Joyce: Don't be an idiot! Snyder: I'm beginning to see a certain mother-daughter resemblance. The man climbs up to the window and lifts the sash. Joyce: No! Look, you heard what Buffy said! Snyder: She's a student. What does she know? He takes off his jacket and goes to help the man. The two of them begin bending back the metal slats blocking the window. Cut to the hall. A vampire throws himself against the science classroom door. It doesn't budge. He sees Spike looking at him. Vampire: Yeah. Door's solid. Spike: Use your head. He grabs the vampire by the shoulder and shoves his head into a f*re emergency case containing an ax. He pulls the ax out, thrusts it into the vampire's hands and continues down the hall. He passes two others pounding on another door. Spike: You! Come with me! One of the vampires follows him. Cut to the science classroom. The vampire begins swinging the ax at the door. Joyce casts a worried look at Snyder and the other man. They get two slats bent aside. Snyder: (grunts) I did it! The man starts to pull himself through the opening. Snyder helps, but lets go when the man begins to kick and scream while struggling with something outside. Snyder watches as the man is pulled through the window and then steps down. Joyce quickly climbs up, bends the slats back and closes the sash. Cut to the hall. Spike is listening for activity in the ceiling. He pinpoints her sound. Cut to the ceiling space. Buffy is making her way through it. Cut outside. The man lies d*ad on the grass. Xander and Angel see him. Xander: You know a lot about this Spike guy, so, um... you got a plan? Angel grabs Xander by the throat. Xander: Good plan. Angel drags him into the building. Cut to the closet. Cordelia: (whispers) I think he's gone. (reaches for the door) Willow: (whispers) He could come back! Cordelia: (looks at Willow) What are we gonna do? Willow: Pray. Cut to the ceiling space. Buffy keeps crawling. Cut to the lounge. Spike finds two metal poles and throws one to the other vampire as he goes back into the hall. He listens for a moment and then shoves the pole up into the ceiling. The other vampire follows suit. Cut to the ceiling space. Buffy sees a pole poke through right in front of her. She begins backing up. Cut to the hall. The vampire has almost chopped through the door to the science classroom. He steps around the corner to warn the other vampire. Vampire: Hey! Guard the door! I'm almost finished! He goes back to chopping when Buffy breaks through the ceiling behind him. She pulls him down with her as she drops from the ceiling and quickly dispatches him with a stake. Joyce is looking through the hole in the door, but can't see much of anything. Buffy gets up and looks through the hole. Joyce: Buffy! Are you okay? Buffy: I'm fine, mom. Joyce: Buffy, look, uh, get out of here, okay? We'll be alright! Buffy: Look, just hang on for one more minute until I tell you to open the door. She quietly makes her way to the other hall, stake in hand. She peeks around the corner and see the other vampire standing there with his back to her. She hears a noise behind her and looks. Buffy: Sheila! Where've you been? Sheila: Sorry I'm late. There's some really weird guys outside. Buffy: Shh! Yeah, I know. They're trying to k*ll us. Sheila: (picks up the ax and smiles) This should be fun. Buffy slowly heads back to the other hall. Cut to Spike still poking the poles into the ceiling. Angel comes into the hall with Xander. Spike sees him. Spike: Angelus! Angel wraps his arm around Xander's neck. Angel: Spike! Spike: I'll be damned! He tosses his pole aside and they greet each other with a hug and a laugh. Angel: I taught you to always guard your perimeter. Tsk, tsk, tsk. You should have someone out there. Spike: I did. I'm surrounded by idiots. What's new with you? Angel: Everything. Spike: Yeah. Come up against this Slayer yet? Angel: She's cute. Not too bright, though. Gave the puppy dog 'I'm all tortured' act. Keeps her off my back when I feed! (laughs) Spike: (laughing) People still fall for that Anne Rice routine. What a world! Xander: I knew you were lying. Angel gives Xander a squeeze to shut him up. Xander: Undead liar guy. Angel grabs him by the hair and shirt and holds up his exposed neck. Angel: Wanna bite before we k*ll her? Cut to Buffy. She and Sheila are about to round the corner. Buffy: (whispers) Stay behind me. She goes into the other hall and quietly makes her way to the vampire, holding her stake up and ready. Behind her Sheila vamps out and raises the ax. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The halls. Sheila raises her ax. Giles sees through the round library door window behind her and yells out a warning. Giles: Buffy! Look out! She spins around and grabs the ax from Sheila in mid-swing. She swings it around and hits Sheila in the jaw with the butt of the handle. The other vampire att*cks and ducks as Buffy swings the ax at him. The ax gets buried in the wall. The vampire smiles as he straightens back up, thinking he avoided her blow, but then looks down at the stake protruding from his chest. He collapses to the floor and bursts into ashes. Buffy looks over at Sheila and watches her run from the hall, then rushes back to the classroom door. Buffy: Mom, now! Joyce: (opens the door) Okay, come on, let's go! Everyone rushes out of the classroom and into the library. Joyce: C'mon! Hurry! Buffy: (to Giles) Get them out! Joyce: You're coming too! Buffy: In a minute! Go! (rushes off) Joyce: (watching her go) Buffy! Cut to Spike and Angel. Spike: I haven't seen you in the k*lling fields for an age. Angel: I'm not much for company. Spike: No, you never were. So, why're you so scared of this Slayer? Angel: Scared? Spike: Yeah. Time was you would've taken her out in a heartbeat. Now look at you. I bet this, uh, tortured thing is an act, right? You're not... housebroken? Angel: I saw her k*ll the Master. Hey, you think you can take her alone? Be my guest. I'll just feed and run. (roars and bends to Xander's neck) Spike: (holds up his hand) Don't be silly! We're all friends. We'll do it together. Let's drink to it. They both slowly lean in to Xander's neck. At the last moment Spike punches Angel in the face, making him stagger back. Spike: You think you can fool me?! You were my sire, man! You were my... Yoda! Angel: Things change. Spike: Not us! Not demons! Man, I can't believe this. You Uncle Tom! (grabs his pole from the floor) Come on, people! This isn't a spectator sport! The vampires roar and att*ck. Xander barges out the door behind him and runs. Angel follows as the other vampires give chase. Spike senses someone behind him and looks up. Spike: Fe, fi, fo fum. I smell the blood of a nice ripe (turns to face Buffy) girl. Buffy: (holding the ax) Do we really need w*apon for this? Spike: I just like them. They make me feel all manly. He drops the pole and slowly steps toward Buffy. She drops the ax. Spike: The last Slayer I k*lled... she begged for her life. Buffy slowly walks to the middle of the hall, watching him intently. Spike: You don't strike me as the begging kind. Buffy: You shouldn'ta come here. Spike: No. I've messed up your doilies and stuff. But I just got so bored. (smirks) I'll tell you what. As a personal favor from me to you I'll make it quick. It won't hurt a bit. Buffy: No, Spike. It's gonna hurt a lot. They start to fight. Cut outside. Angel and Xander fight the other vampires. Cut to the hall. Buffy and Spike exchange several blows. He throws her into the wall. Cut to the library. Joyce is following everyone out through the stacks when she stops and wonders what happened to her daughter. Giles: Come on, everyone. This way! Cut outside. Xander avoids several punches and kicks. His own punch misses, and he gets kicked to the ground from behind. Cut to the hall. Buffy and Spike keep fighting. Cut outside. A vampire has Xander by the neck. Angel punches her off of him. The others get up again and run from the fight. Cut to the hall. Buffy ducks a punch and lands four of her own in a row. Spike grabs her arm and shoves her into the wall. She slides down it quickly, and Spike's next punch goes through the wall. She gets behind him and kicks him high and hard in the neck. Spike: Now, that hurt! He pulls his arm out of the wall, ripping a stud out with it, and swings it into Buffy's face. She flies back and lands on the floor, stunned. Spike: But not as much as this will. He stands over her and wields back the stud to slam it into her, but he gets h*t in the head with the ax. He goes sprawling to the floor and looks up at his attacker. Joyce stands above him with the ax in her hands, ready to swing again. Joyce: You get the hell away from my daughter! Spike holds the stud above himself to protect against any blows. Buffy gets to her feet. Spike: Women! He gets up and runs through the lounge and out the broken window. Joyce: (exhales and drops the ax) Nobody lays a hand on my little girl. They embrace. Buffy looks out the window. Cut to later outside. The police are everywhere. The camera pans down to the Police Chief talking to an officer. Chief: Take care of this. The officer nods and leaves. The Chief walks over to his car. Snyder comes up to him. Snyder: Hello, Bob. Chief: It's over. They all got away. I got a body inside, and I got another one on the south lawn. And it looks like he was pulled right through the window. Snyder: I told him not to go through that window. Cut to Giles and Jenny coming out of the building. Jenny: Well, another wonderful fun-filled evening. Giles: Uh, yes. You know, um, I will understand if you decide to start avoiding me. Jenny takes Giles' arm, and they walk off together. Cut to Angel and Xander. Xander: So, when you gave him my neck to chew on, why didn't you clock him before he had a chance to clock you? Angel: I told you. I couldn't make the first move. I had to see if he was buying it or not. Xander: A-and if he bit me, what then? Angel: We would've known he bought it. Xander stops as Angel continues on. Xander: Hey, what's the deal with you being Spike's sire? What's a sire? Cut to Snyder and the Chief. Chief: I need to say something to the media people. Snyder: So? Chief: So? You want the usual story? g*ng-related? PCP? Snyder: What'd you have in mind? The truth? Chief: (considers) Right. g*ng-related. PCP. Cut to Buffy and Joyce. Buffy: So, what did you and Principal Snyder talk about anyway? Joyce: Principal Snyder said you were a troublemaker. Buffy looks down in shame. Joyce: And I could care less. Buffy looks back up. Joyce: I have a daughter who can take care of herself. Who's brave and resourceful and thinks of others in a crisis. No matter who you hang out with or what dumb teenage stuff you think you need to do, I'm gonna sleep better knowing all that. Buffy: About how long till this wears off and you start ragging on me again? Joyce: Oh, at least a week and a half. Buffy: Very cool! Cut to later. The last Police car leaves the school. Cut to the hall. The camera pans over to the utility closet. Cut inside. Cordelia is kneeling in prayer. Willow stares at her in disbelief. Cordelia: And if you get me out of this, I swear I'll never be mean to anyone ever again. Unless they *really* deserve it. Or if it's that time of the month, in which case I don't think you or anyone else can hold me responsible... Willow: Ask for some aspirin. Cordelia: And can you please send some asp... Hey! Cut to morning. The sun comes up over the complex where the vampires gather. The camera pans over to their warehouse. Cut inside. Sunlight is streaming through a high window. Spike is standing by a cage. Drusilla walks around the cage to him. Drusilla: Spike, did she hurt you?

{"type": "series", "show": "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "episode": "02x03 - School Hard"}

foreverdreaming

~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~ In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. Outside the museum. Buffy, Willow and Xander are walking past the rose gardens toward the building. Buffy: This is so unfair. Willow: I don't think it's that bad. Buffy: It's the Ueber-suck. Mom could've at least warned me. Xander: Well, a lot of parents are doing it this year. It's part of this whole cultural exchange magilla. The exhibit, the dance... Willow: I have the best costume for the dance! Buffy: A complete stranger in my house for two weeks. I'm gonna be insane! A danger to myself and others within three days, I swear. Xander: I think the exchange student program's cool. (gets a look from Buffy) I do! It's a beautiful melding of two cultures. Buffy: Have you ever done an exchange program? Xander: My dad tried to send me to some Armenians once. Does that count? They climb the steps to the building entrance and the cultural exchange exhibit. Cut inside. Cordelia and two other girls are looking over the pictures of the exchange students. Cordelia: Ooo! There's mine! Sven. Isn't he lunchable? Mine's definitely the best. She walks past Buffy. Buffy: What're you lookin' at? Cordelia: Pictures of our exchange students. Look. 100% Swedish, 100% gorgeous, 100% staying at my house! So, how's yours? Visually, I mean. Buffy: I don't know. Guy like? Xander: By guy-like we are talking big, beefy, guy-like girl, right? Buffy: I was just told 'guy'. Cordelia: You didn't look at him first? He could be dogly. You live on the edge. (walks off) Xander: Hold on a sec. So, this person who's living with you for two weeks is a man. With man parts. This is a terrible idea. Willow: What about the beautiful melding of two cultures? Xander: There's no melding, okay? He better keep his parts to himself. They stop at the end of a row of display cases, and Buffy notices Rodney scraping a mask. Buffy: What's he doing? Xander: Uh, that's Rodney Munson. He's God's gift to the bell curve. Another student goes up to Rodney and gets growled at. Xander: What he lacks in smarts he makes up in lack of smarts. Willow: You just don't like him 'cause of that time he b*at you up every day for five years. Buffy giggles to herself. Xander: Yeah. I'm irrational that way. Buffy: (smiles) I better stop him before he gets in trouble. Willow: I got it. The non-violent approach is probably better here. (goes over to Rodney) Buffy: I wasn't gonna use v*olence. I don't always use v*olence. (looks up at Xander) Do I? Xander: The important thing is *you* believe that. Cut to Rodney. He's still scraping the mask. Rodney: What're you... (looks up) Oh. Willow, hi. Willow: That's probably not something you're supposed to be doing. You could get in trouble. Rodney: (facetiously) Oh, no. And they might kick me outta school? Willow: (smiles) Are we still on for our chem tutorial tomorrow? Rodney: Yeah. I think I got almost all fourteen natural elements memorized. Willow: There're a hundred and three. Rodney suddenly looks worried. Cut to the museum guide. Guide: Welcome, students. We shall now proceed into the Incan burial chamber. The human sacrifice is about to begin. Cut to the entry to the Inca exhibit. They all walk in. Xander: Typical museum trick. Promise human sacrifice, deliver old pots and pans. Guide: Five hundred years ago, the Incan people chose a beautiful teenage girl to become their princess. They take the steps up to a platform where the Incan stone coffin and mummy are on display. Willow: I hope this story ends with, 'And she lived happily ever after.' Xander: (looks into the coffin) No, I think it ends with, 'And she became a scary, discolored, shriveled mummy.' Guide: The Incan people sacrificed their princess to the mountain god Sebancaya, an offering buried alive for eternity in this dark tomb. Willow: They could've at least wrapped her in those nice white bandages, like in the movies? Guide: The princess remained there protected only by a cursed seal placed there (points to the plate in the mummy's hands) as a warning to any who would wake her. Cordelia and a few other girls are still looking at the exchange student pictures and laughing. Xander: So, Buffy, when's exchange-o boy making his appearance? Buffy: His name's Ampata. Gonna be at the bus station tomorrow night. Xander: Ooo. The Sunnydale bus depot. Classy! What a better way to introduce someone to our country than with the stench of urine. Guide: Now, if you'll follow me this way, please. They all walk past the coffin and follow the guide to the next destination on the tour. Cut to later. The exhibit is deserted now except for Rodney, who cautiously looks around and makes his way back up to the mummy. He looks into the stone coffin and sees the plate with the seal. Rodney: Aha. Cool. He reaches in and yanks at the plate, trying to wrest it from the mummy's grip. He gets it out of one hand, and yanks it hard to get it out of the other. It comes loose, and he pulls it up too fast, breaking it against the side of the coffin. Rodney: Oh! Damn! He reaches in to collect the pieces. The mummy's arms reach up and grab him by the neck. Its eyelids open to reveal empty sockets as it pulls him in closer. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ Sunnydale High. Students are arriving for school. Cut to the library. Buffy and Giles are training. Xander is studying at the table. Buffy: So, can I go? Giles: I think not. Buffy lands four hard hits on the training pad Giles is holding. He flinches at her blows, and after she's done puts the pad down in favor of a much thicker one. Buffy: (pouts) How come? Giles: Because you are the Chosen One. Buffy: Mm. Just this once I'd like to be the Overlooked One. Giles: Well, I'm... afraid that is not... Buffy kicks the pad hard, making Giles stagger back a few steps. Giles: You have responsibilities that other girls do not. Buffy: Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah, blah, bity blah, I'm so stuffy, gimme a scone. Giles: (sarcastically) It's as if you know me. Buffy continues kicking. Xander winces at each blow. Giles: Your secret identity is gonna be difficult enough to maintain while this exchange student is living with you. Xander gets up and separates them. Xander: Nooot... *with* her. In the same house as her. Am I the only one who's objective enough to make that distinction? (goes to the counter) Buffy: So! I think going to the dance like a normal person would be the best way to keep that secret. Giles, come on, budge! No one likes a non- budger. Giles doesn't say a word. She steps back and comes at him for an especially hard kick. Giles: FINE! Buffy stops her kick at the last instant. Giles: Go. Buffy: (smiles) Yay! I win. Giles: I'll just go and introduce my shoulder to a, an icepack. Xander: (hops off of the counter) So, I guess we're dance-bound. Cool. I think I can get my mom's car, so I'm wheel man. Buffy: I thought you were taking Willow. Xander: Well, yeah, I'm gonna take Willow, but I'm not gonna *take* Willow. In the sense of 'take me'. See, with you we're three and everybody's safe. Without you, we're two. Buffy: Ah, and we enter dateville. Romance, flowers... Xander: Lips. Willow comes into the library, but Xander's back is to the door so he doesn't see her. Buffy pretends not to notice her. Buffy: Oh, come on. In all the years you've know Willow, you've never thought about her lips? Xander: Buffy, I love Willow. Willow smiles widely. Xander: And she's my best friend. Which makes her not the kind of girl who I think about her lips that much. Willow's smile fades to disappointment. Xander: She's the kind of girl that... I'm best friends with. Willow: Hey guys. Xander: Willow! (goes to her) Hi! We were just talkin' about happy things. He puts his arm around her and pulls her over to Buffy at the table. Xander: Like the three of us going to the dance together. See? (laughs) Happy! Willow isn't smiling. Xander: Not happy. Willow: No. Uh, oh, y-yes. No. Rodney's missing. Giles: (comes out of his office with an ice pack) Trouble with Mr. Munson again? (puts it on his shoulder) Willow: His parents say he never came home last night. Buffy: Y'know, I don't think I remember seeing Rodney on the bus back from the field trip. Willow: I didn't either. I hope he didn't get in trouble at the museum. Xander: (chuckles) Hey, maybe he awakened the mummy. Willow: (giggles) Right, and it rose from its tomb. Buffy: (smiles) And att*cked him. (nods) Their smiles fade as they all realize that that may not be so far- fetched. Cut to the Inca exhibit at the museum. They all come walking in. Willow: On the other hand, maybe Rodney just stepped out for a smoke. Xander: For twenty-one hours? Willow: It's addictive, you know. Giles: We'll deal with that when we've... ruled out evil curses. They climb the steps to the platform where the coffin is on display. Buffy: One day I'm gonna live in a town where evil curses are just generally ruled out without even saying. Giles: There was a seal? Buffy steps up to the coffin and looks in. Buffy: It was right here. And it's broken. (picks up the largest piece) Willow: Does that mean the mummy's loose? Buffy: No, comfy as ever. (hands the piece to Giles) Giles: Look at this series of pictograms. A man comes out of nowhere and yells, jumps up behind Xander and swings at him with a Kn*fe. Xander ducks the blow and gets behind him. The man swings back the other way again blindly, looks into the coffin and is surprised by what he sees there. Xander jumps onto the man's back. He knocks Xander off, and runs off of the platform and away. Xander quickly gets up. Xander: Okay, I just saved us, right? Buffy: Something did. Giles: Well, we'll fret about the details later. Let's just get out of here before he comes back. They all hurry down the steps to leave except Willow, who's noticed something about the mummy. Willow: Giles, were the Incas very advanced? Giles: Yes, yes, very. Willow: Did they have orthodontists? Cut to the mummy. There are metal braces on its teeth. Cut to the library. They all come in. Willow: Rodney looked like he had been d*ad for five hundred years. How could that be? Xander: Maybe we should ask that crazy man with the big old Kn*fe. Buffy: I don't think he seemed overly chatty. Willow: The way he bolted when he saw Rodney, I'd say he was as freaked as we were. Giles: My resources on this subject are extremely limited. I-I gather that this particular mummy was from the Sebancaya region of eastern Peru. It's very remote. Now, if there's an answer, then it's, it's locked in the... Buffy: ...in the seal. Giles: (looks at the seal) It's gonna take me weeks to... translate these pictograms. Well, we'll start tonight with... Buffy: Ampata! Giles: I was gonna suggest hunting. Buffy: No, I'm late. I told my mom I'd pick him up. Xander: Uh-uh-uh, Buffy? Where are your priorities? Tracking down a mummifying k*ller or making time for some Latin lover whose stock in trade is the breakage of hearts? Buffy: Ampata's there alone. And I-I don't know how good his English is. He's here from South A... South America. Hey, y'know, maybe he could translate the seal. Xander: Oh, yeah. Fall for the old 'let me translate that ancient seal for ya' come on. Tsh. D'ya know how many times I've used that? Cut to the bus stations. Ampata is standing there alone waiting and looking around for his ride. He hears a whisper. Mummy: Ampata... He starts walking in the direction of the voice, passing several parked busses. He hears the voice again, louder this time. Mummy: Ampata... He walks between two busses, looking around for whoever it is. Ampata: Hello? He sees the mummy come toward him, and is surprised and frightened but doesn't scream or yell. The mummy reaches out, grabs him by the neck, pulls him in and kisses him. Ampata begins to shrivel and dry up as the mummy draws his life force from him. Cut to later. Buffy, Willow and Xander arrive at the bus station and look for him. Buffy: Forty minutes late. Welcome to America! Willow: What if he left already? Willow finds the door to the station building locked. Buffy: (calls out) Ampata? Ampata Gutierrez? Xander: So, do we have to speak Spanish when we see him? 'Cause I don't know anything much besides Doritos and Chihuahua. Buffy: Ampata? Ampata: Here! The mummy had regained her appearance of a young teenage girl. She comes walking out from between two busses. Ampata: Hello. Xander is instantly taken with her beauty. She comes over and stands before them. Ampata: I am Ampata. Xander: Ay caramba! I can also say that! Buffy and Willow are also surprised to find that Ampata is a girl. Willow looks up at Xander and sees how he's looking at her. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ The Summers house. Buffy is showing Ampata around the house. Buffy: Dining room... They come into the kitchen from the dining room. Buffy: And this (turns on the light) is the kitchen. Ampata: (amazed) It's very good! Buffy: Yeah, you got your stove, your fridge, it's fully functional. We're very into it. Xander: (slow and over-pronounced) Would you like a drink? (gestures) Buffy: (opens the fridge) Uh, let's see, we've got milk, and, uh, oh, older milk... Juice? Ampata: Please. Willow: So, Ampata. You're a girl. Ampata: Yes. For many years now. Willow: And not a boy, 'cause we thought a boy was coming, and here ya are in a girl way! Xander: It's just one of those crazy mix-ups, Will. Buffy: So, have you ever been to America before? (sets out glasses) Ampata: Uh, I, I have toured. Xander: (slow English again) Where did... you go? Buffy gives Willow a look, and goes to get something to munch on as Willow pours the juice. Ampata: I was taken to Atlanta, Boston, New York. Willow: New York! That's exciting. What was that like? Ampata: I did not see so much. Xander: Your English is... very bueno. Buffy and Willow exchange another look at Xander's deliberately slow speech. Ampata: I listened much. Xander: Well, that works out well, because I talk much. (they laugh) Cut to later in Buffy's room. Ampata sits down on her bed, surprised at the springiness of it. Buffy: Hey! Sorry about the teeniness of the room. Ampata: My old one was much smaller. Buffy: (sits on her bed) What's it like back home? Ampata: Cramped, and... very d*ad. Buffy: Well, you'll feel right at home in Sunnydale. Ampata: Oh, no! Ohhhh! (gets up) But... but you have so *much* here! (picks up a picture) Buffy: How 'bout friends? Ampata: They are... (puts the picture down) It is just me. Buffy: I've been there. But, hey! You'll meet lots of people tomorrow. Ampata: Thank you. (goes back to her bed) You must teach me everything about your life. I want to fit in, Buffy. Just like you. A normal life. Buffy: One normal life. Comin' up. She reaches over to turn off her light. Cut outside. The man from the museum is hidden there looking in through the window from the bushes. Cut to outside the school the next morning. Cordelia and Devon come down some stairs to Oz's van. Cordelia: Devon, I told you I'd be at the dance tonight, but I am *not* one of your little groupies. I won't be all doe-eyed looking up at you, standing at the edge of the stage. Devon: Got it. Cordelia: So, I'll see you afterwards? Devon: Sure. Where do you wanna meet? Cordelia: I'll be standing at the edge of the stage. Devon: (looks over at Sven) With that guy? Cordelia: (looks also) Sven! Momento! Needa! (to Devon) This whole student exchange thing has been a horrible nightmare. They don't even speak American. So, I'll see you later? (she allows him a kiss on the cheek) Bye! She starts back up the stairs toward the school. She turns back when she notices that Sven isn't following. Cordelia: Sven! Come? Sven starts to follow her. Devon smirks and goes over to Oz, who's dealing with their equipment. Devon: Oz, man! What do you think? Oz: Of what? Devon: Cordelia, man! Oz: She's a wonderland tour. Devon: You gotta admit, the girl is hot! Oz: Yeah, she's a hot girl. Devon: Let me guess: not your type? What does a girl have to do to impress you? Oz: Well, it involves a feathered boa and a theme to 'A Summer Place'. I can't discuss it here. Devon: You're too picky, man. Do you know how many girls you could have? You're lead guitar, Oz. It's currency! Oz: I'm not picky. You're just impressed by any pretty girl that can walk and talk. Devon: She doesn't have to talk. Oz just smirks. Cut to Willow and Xander walking. Willow: I worked really hard on my costume. It's pretty cool. Xander: Okay, but what about me? I've gotta think. Willow: Well, it's a celebration of cultures. There are lots of dress- up alternatives. Xander: And a corresponding equal number of mocking alternatives. All aimed at me. Willow: Bavarians are cool. Xander: Okay, no shirts with ruffles, no hats with feathers and definitely no lederhosen. They make my calves look fat. Willow: Why are you suddenly so worried about looking like an idiot? That came out wrong. Xander didn't take offense because he's too busy looking at Buffy and Ampata arriving for school. Willow notices and looks also. Cut to Buffy and Ampata. Buffy: Your first day of school. Nervous? Ampata: It is just more people than I have seen in a long time. Buffy: Ah, don't worry. You will have no problems making friends. As a matter of fact, I know someone who's dying to meet you. Cut to the library. Giles gets right to it. Giles: (shakes her hand, smiles) How do you do? Ampata: Hi. Giles: I was, I was wondering if you could, um, translate this? (shows her the seal) Buffy: That was in no way awkward. Ampata takes it and looks at it in disbelief. Buffy: Something wrong? Ampata: Uh, No! Uh, it is... Uh, why are you asking me? Giles: Well, uh, uh... (coughs) It's, well, it's an artifact... from, from, uh, your... region. I-it's, uh, from the tomb of a-an Incan mummy, a-a-actually. We were trying to translate it, uh, um, as a-a project for our, um... Willow: Our archeology club. Giles: (impressed with her quick thinking) Very good. Ampata: It is broken. Where are the other pieces? Buffy: That's all we found. Ampata: Hmm. It is very old and valuable. (to Giles, holding the seal out to him) You should hide it! Giles: Is, is, uh, anything you recognize here? Um, um, this, this, um... this ch-chap here with the Kn*fe, for instance? Ampata: Well, I-I do not know exactly, but... I-I-I think this represents, I believe the word is... 'bodyguard'? Giles: (takes the seal) Bodyguard? Interesting. Ampata: Legend has it that he guards the mummy against those who would disturb her. Giles: Well, uh, yes, well, that's, um, that's a very good starting point for our, um... club. (looks at Buffy) Um... Buffy: Oh, and, uh, a-as club president, I have, um, lots to do. Lots of... stuff. Dull stuff. Uh, oh, Willow, maybe you could... Xander: Stay with Ampata for the day. I'd love to. (bows slightly and smiles) Ampata: (smiles) Yes! That will be fun. Xander gestures for Ampata to go ahead of him. As she walks out he turns to Buffy and Willow, lets out a breath, and follows her. Willow watches them go. Giles: Right. I'll, uh, continue with the translation. Buffy, you research this, uh, bodyguard thing, and, uh, Willow... (turns around) Willow? Willow: (still staring after them) Boy. They really like each other. Cut to the bleachers on the football field. Xander and Ampata are sitting about two-thirds of the way up. Xander: And this (reaches into his satchel) is called a snack food. (holds up a Twinkie) Ampata: Snack food? Xander: Yeah. It's a delicious, spongy, golden cake stuffed with a delightful creamy, white substance of goodness. And here's how you eat it. He stuffs the whole thing into his mouth. Ampata laughs at the sight. Xander: Mm-hm. Ampata: Oh, but now I cannot try it. Xander: (with a full mouth) That's why you bring two. He produces another one from his bag and hands it to her. Ampata: Oh! (studies it) Here goes! She pulls her windswept hair back from her face and proceeds to stuff most of the Twinkie into her mouth. She laughs with delight. Xander: (mouth still full) Good, huh? And the exciting part is that they have no ingredients that a human can pronounce. So it doesn't leave you with that heavy... food feeling in your stomach. She squeals with laughter. Ampata: (mouth full) You are strange. Xander: Girls always tell me that. Right before they run away. Ampata: I like it! Xander: I like you like it! She can't help but laugh more at that. Xander: Please, don't learn from my English. Cut to the library. Buffy is inspecting the seal under a magnifying lamp. Buffy: Ha! Or possible ha. (to Willow) Do you think this matches? Willow is off in her own world, idly playing with her stuffed frog. Buffy: Hey! Willow: Oh! Yes. I'm caring about mummies. Buffy: Ampata's only staying two weeks. Willow: Yeah. And then Xander can find someone else who's not me to obsess about. At least with you I knew he didn't have a sh*t. Well, you know, I have a choice. I can spend my life waiting for Xander to go out with every other girl in the world until he notices me, or I can just get on with my life. Buffy: Good for you. Willow: Well, I didn't choose yet. Giles: (inspecting the seal) Good Lord! (to Buffy) Good work! Buffy: My work? Giles: Yes. This is most illuminating. It seems Rodney's k*ller might be the mummy. Willow: Where does it say that? Giles: Well, here. It implies that the mummy is capable of... feeding on the life force of a person, effectively freeze-drying them, you might say. Extraordinary. Buffy: So, then we just have to stop the mummy. Which leads to the question: how do we a) find, and b) stop the mummy? Giles: Well, the answer to that is somewhere still in here. Or in the rest of the seal. Cut outside to the bleachers. The bodyguard att*cks Xander with his large Kn*fe. Ampata screams as she and Xander quickly move apart and the Kn*fe hits the seat between them. Bodyguard: You stole the seal! Where is it?! He swings again, but Xander scoots back more and then rolls down two levels of seats. The bodyguard comes at him again and tries to s*ab him, but Xander catches his arm and stops him. Ampata screams again. The bodyguard looks back at her and recognizes her. Bodyguard: It is you! Xander kicks him off, and he rolls down the bleachers and to the ground. Ampata grabs Xander's satchel, helps him up and they run away. Cut to the library. Giles comes out of his office with a cup of tea, and sets it on the table in front of Ampata. Giles: Here you are. Ampata: Thank you. Willow: Why's this guy so into us? I mean, what's he want? Xander: He said, 'Give me the seal.' Giles: Apparently this is more popular than we realized. I just don't know what we, we should do with it. Ampata: Destroy it. (gets a surprised look from Giles) If you do not, someone could die. Giles: I'm afraid someone already has. Ampata: You mean the man with the Kn*fe k*lled someone? Buffy: Uh, no. Well, not exactly. Ampata: You are not telling me everything. (looks at them all) Xander: You're right, Ampata. (takes her hand) And it's time we do. We're not an archeology club. We're in, uh... Giles interrupts by clearing his throat. Buffy gives him a stern look. Xander: We're in the crime club. Which is kinda like the chess club, only with crime, and, um... no chess. Ampata: Please understand me. That seal nearly got us k*lled. It must be destroyed! She gets up and runs from the library. A moment later Xander gets up and runs out after her. Xander: Ampata! Buffy and Willow look at each other a bit surprised and confused. Cut to the hall. Ampata is sitting on a bench. Xander crouches down beside her. Xander: Ampata, listen to me. Nobody's gonna hurt you. I won't let them. Ampata: Your investigation is dangerous. I do not want that. Just normal life! She gets up and goes over to the drinking fountain. Xander stands back up and follows her, but stays back and lets her drink. Willow comes out of the library. Willow: Is she okay? Xander: Wigged. I'm tryin' to convince her that our lives aren't just danger and peril around here. Willow looks over at Ampata sympathetically, then back to Xander. Willow: You should take her to the dance. Xander: That's a good idea! We'll all go! Willow: No, I mean just you. Xander: But you were psyched! And your costume! Willow: I'll see you there. Xander: You know what, Willow? You're my best friend. He goes over to Ampata. Willow: I know. (walks off) Cut to the library. Buffy: I don't get it. Why would the bodyguard have such a jones for a broken piece of rock? Giles: Well, um, perhaps... he needs to put it together with the other pieces. Buffy: If he has them. I mean, we didn't find them. Giles: And if he didn't then, then they'd still be at the museum. Buffy: So, maybe we should go there and find them. And odds are he'll show up, too, right? Giles: And hopefully we'll be ready. Buffy: Hey! Look at us! We came up with a plan. A good plan. Giles: Alright. We'll meet there tonight after it closes. Buffy: No! Bad plan. I have other plans. Dance plans. (gets a stern look from Giles) (exhales) Canceled plans. Cut to the stairs in the halls. Xander and Ampata are coming down. Xander: Okay, I have something to tell you. And it's kind of a secret, and it's, um, a little bit scary. I like you. A lot. And I want you to go to with me the dance. Ampata: (laughs) Why was that so scary? Xander: Well, because you never know if a girl's gonna say 'yes', or if... she's gonna laugh in your face and pull out your still beating heart and crush it into the ground with her heel. Ampata: Hmm. Then you are very courageous. Can I tell you a secret? Xander: Hmm. Ampata: I like you, too. Xander: Really? Ampata: Really! Xander: That's great! Really? Ampata: Really! Xander: That's great! You're not a praying mantis, are you? (gets a confused look from her) Sorry, someone else. Ampata: I will return to you. (starts away) Xander: Where're you going? Ampata: Where you cannot follow. He's confused but smiles when he sees her open the girls' restroom door. Xander: I'll wait outside. (smiles) He sits down on a bench to wait. Cut inside the restroom. Ampata touches up her lipstick. She steps back from the mirror and sees the bodyguard standing behind her. Ampata: I beg you... (turns to face him) Do not k*ll me. Bodyguard: You are already d*ad. For five hundred years. Ampata: But it was not fair. I was innocent. Bodyguard: The people you k*ll now so that you may live, they are innocent. Ampata: Please! I am in love! Bodyguard: You are the Chosen One. You must die. You have no choice. He takes a swing at her with his Kn*fe. She grabs his arm and twists, forcing him around and pulling him in to her. He looks up at her as she puts her arm around his neck and pulls him in for a kiss. Ampata: Yes, I do. She kisses him and he mummifies in her arms as she draws out his life force. Cut to the hall. Xander is waiting patiently. Ampata comes back out smiling, and Xander stands up. Ampata: I have thought. The dance? Xander nods expectantly. Ampata: I will go with you. Xander breaks into a big smile and laughs delightedly. Ampata: Gladly! Xander takes her by the hand, and they start walking down the hall. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ Buffy's room. Ampata comes in wearing her Inca Princess costume. Ampata: Buffy, I do not have any lipstick. She sees a trunk, a large suitcase and a backpack in the room. Buffy: Oh! You can borrow one of mine. There should be some on the desk. Ampata: What is that? (indicates the trunk) Buffy: The station sent the rest of your stuff. Ampata: Oh. Of, of course. I, I forgot all about it. Uh, I will unpack it later. Buffy: No worries. I can do it. Ampata: Uh, but... you must get ready for the dance! Buffy: I'm not going. Ampata: Why not? Buffy: I have work to do. Crime club work. It's really nothing for you to worry about. (sits on her bed) Ampata: Oh, I am not worried, thanks to Xander. (goes to the desk) Buffy: He seems very happy around you. Ampata: (sits at the desk) I am happy, too. She opens a lipstick and holds it up for an opinion. Ampata: Mm, this one? Buffy: Ooo, no, that clashes. There should be a gold one in there somewhere. Ampata: Thank you. You are always thinking of others before yourself. You remind me of someone from very long ago: the Inca Princess. Buffy: Cool! A princess. She gets up from her bed and opens Ampata's backpack while Ampata tries out a lipstick. Ampata: They told her that she was the only one. That only she could defend her people from the nether world. Buffy pulls out a pair of boy's briefs and looks at them in confusion. Ampata: Out of all the girls in her generation... Buffy looks over at Ampata and sees she's about to open the top left drawer where she keeps her Slayer stuff. She rushes over. Ampata pulls open the drawer and looks in curiously. Ampata: ...she was the only one... Buffy quickly pushes the drawer closed. Buffy: ...chosen. Ampata: (looks up at Buffy) Do you know the story? Buffy: It's fairly familiar. (hands her the gold lipstick) Ampata: She was sixteen, like us. She was offered as a sacrifice and went to her death. Who knows what she had to give up to fulfill her duty to others? What chance at love? Buffy: Who knows? (goes back to Ampata's trunk) I'll just unpack the rest of your stuff for you. (lifts the lid) Ampata: No, really, let me... The doorbell rings and distracts Buffy, so she doesn't see the mummified corpse in the trunk. Buffy: Oh! She lets the lid fall back down as she gets up to get the door. Buffy: That's Xander and Willow. I'll get it. Ampata kneels down and puts the lock back on the trunk. Cut downstairs. Buffy hops down and opens the door. Xander comes in dressed as Clint Eastwood in a spaghetti western. Xander: I've come for the dance. Buffy: And, uh, what culture are you? Xander: I'm from the country of Leone. It's in Italy pretending to be Montana. (looks Buffy up and down) And where are you from? The country of White Trash? Buffy: Mm. New line-up. You and Willow are taking Ampata. Giles and I are hunting mummies. Where's you and Willow? Xander: She's not coming... with us. Buffy: Oh! On a date. Romance, lips... Xander takes off his hat when he sees Ampata appear on the stairs. She smiles down at him. Ampata: Hello, Xander. Xander: Hho hee ze thee ai uh... Buffy: I can translate American salivating boy talk. He says you're beautiful. Xander: (to Buffy) Hyav su. Buffy: You're welcome. Ampata reaches the bottom of the stairs and stands next to Xander, beaming a huge smile. Joyce comes in to have a look. Joyce: Ampata, don't you look wonderful! Oh, I wish you could talk my daughter into going with you. Ampata: I tried, but she is very stubborn. Joyce: Well, I'm glad someone else sees that. Buffy gives her mother a look and gets it right back. She turns back to Xander and Ampata, smiling. Ampata: Well, good night, then. Buffy opens the door to let them out. Xander pauses a moment. Xander: Be careful. Buffy: I will. (Xander turns to go) Hey! (he turns back) You look good. Xander gives her a smile and then leaves. Joyce comes over to the door to watch them go, too. Joyce: Look at that. Two days in America, and Ampata already seems like she belongs here. She's really fitting in. Hmm! (turns and heads up the stairs) Buffy: Yeah. How 'bout that? Cut to the Bronze. Devon and Oz's band Dingoes Ate My Baby (Four Star Mary) are playing "Shadows". Lyrics: She's in ecstasy / Her hollowed sky / Pours down heavenly / Fakes desire A group of girls enters the Bronze. Cordelia comes in behind them and stops to look around. Lyrics: I've been living here / In the red / I've been feeling I'm / d*ad again She spots Willow wearing her Eskimo costume. Cordelia: Oh! Near faux pas! I almost wore the same thing. She continues on her way, leaving Willow standing there alone. Lyrics: We've been bored before Cordelia finds her friend Dawn. Cordelia: Hey! Dawn: Where's Sven? Cordelia: Ohhh, I keep trying to ditch him. He's like one of those dogs that you leave at the Grand Canyon on vacation? It follows you back across four states. (Sven finds them) See? My own speechless, human boomerang. Lyrics: I have never felt / So alone Dawn: He's kinda cute. Maybe it's nice skippin' all that small talk. Cordelia: Small talk? How 'bout simple instruction? Lyrics: Since the time we left ourselves / Half past gone Cordelia: (to Sven) Get punchy. (points at him) You! Fruit drinky! Lyrics: We've been living here / Up against the red Dawn: He can follow me. (takes Sven's hand and leads him away) Lyrics: I've been feeling I'm / d*ad again / We've been bored before Xander and Ampata arrive. He takes her hand. Lyrics: We'll be bored again / We've been bored before and again Ampata looks around and sees Willow in her Eskimo outfit as Xander leads her to the dance floor. Willow is heartbroken to see them together like that. Willow: I think I should've worn something sexy. Xander spots her and leads Ampata over to her table. Willow: Wow. You guys look great. Ampata: I-I love your costume. It's, it's very authentic. Willow: Thanks. Xander: Yeah, you look, um... snug. Willow: That's what I was going for. Where's Buffy? Lyrics: She's in ecstasy / Her hollowed sky Willow looks around stiffly. She can hardly move in her outfit. Cut to the Summers house. Buffy opens the door for Giles. Giles: Thank heavens you're home. (walks in) Buffy: Yup! Not at the dance. Not with my friends. Not with a life. What are you doing here? I thought we were gonna meet at the museum to find the bodyguard. Giles: No, he's already been found. In a school restroom. Mummified. Buffy: Okay, I don't get it. Why would the mummy k*ll her own bodyguard? Giles: Well, I've cross-referenced, and, uh, I've looked at the pictograms anew. He was a guard alright. But it was his job to insure that the mummy didn't awaken and escape. Buffy: So, Ampata translated wrong. Giles: Perhaps. Buffy: Hold on a sec. She was wiggy about the seal from minute one. Giles: Yes, I suppose she was. Buffy: Her trunks! (runs up the stairs) Giles: I beg your pardon? Cut to Buffy's room. Giles goes through Ampata's things. Giles: It's certainly all boys' clothes. Why would a girl pack these? Buffy tears open the lock on the trunk and lifts the lid. Buffy: How 'bout this one? What kind of girl travels with a mummified corpse? And doesn't even pack a lipstick? Cut to the Bronze. The band is playing a new song, "Fate". Lyrics: Time's healing, I'm ahead / Find a reason once again / Take a moment outta time / I'll be standing back behind Cut to Xander standing by the stairs with Ampata. Xander: Do you, um... Would you like to, uh... you know... Lyrics: On a wing / So outta line Ampata: I'd love to dance. He removes his hat and poncho, takes her hand and leads her onto the dance floor. Lyrics: Mm, taken in / So outta time Willow watches longingly as they walk by her. On the dance floor Xander and Ampata touch hands and slowly intertwine their fingers. Xander smiles at her. Ampata lets go of Xander's hand and slowly moves it around his neck. Cut to the stage. Oz notices a girl in the crowd and stares intently. Oz: Hey. Devon comes over to him. Oz: That girl. Who is she? Devon thinks he means Ampata. Devon: She's an exchange student. I think she's from South America. Oz: No, not her. The Eskimo! Devon goes back to continue singing. Oz is enamored of Willow. Lyrics: Sound the season in my head Cut to Giles' car. Buffy: Come on! Can't you put your foot down? Giles: It is down. Buffy: One of these days you're gonna have to get a grownup car. Giles grinds the gears. Buffy shakes her head. Cut to the dance floor. Xander is looking deeply into Ampata's eyes as they slow dance. Lyrics: ...so outta time / All it takes is living / I want to fly Ampata leans her head onto his cheek for a moment. Lyrics: I've never known fate She pulls her head back and looks back into Xander's eyes. Lyrics: I've never known your name They move in to kiss. Lyrics: I've never known fate As they are about to meet, Ampata notices her hand begin to mummify again and pulls back. Xander looks at her in wide-eyed confusion. The song is almost over. She quickly takes her arms off of his shoulders and rushes off. Xander stares after her, thoroughly confused. Xander: Okay, at least I can rule out something I said. Lyrics: Someone take me home / Get me outta here Ampata reaches the edge of the crowd and looks round. She sees Jonathon sitting alone on the stairs. Cut to Giles' car. Buffy: I should've guessed. Remember Ampata wanted us to hide the seal? Giles: And then she wanted us to destroy it becau... Oh wait! Buffy: Uh, waiting... Giles: Well, we already know that the seal was used to contain the mummy. If breaking it freed her... Buffy: ...reassembling it will trap her. Giles: I'll go to the museum. I'll drop you off. I'll try to piece together the fragments there. Buffy: Okay, I'll still get Xander. Before he gets smoochy with Mummy Dearest. Cut to the Bronze. Xander comes off of the dance floor and stops by Willow. Xander: Have you seen Ampata? (Willow shrugs) What was that? Willow: I shrugged. Xander: Next time you should probably say 'shrug'. (walks off looking) Willow: (watches him go) Sigh. Sven and Dawn walk by in front of her. Sven: I thought this exchange student thing would be a *great* deal. But look what I got stuck with! 'Momento!' 'Punchy fruity drinky!' Is Cordelia even from this country? Cut to a back room. Ampata has led Jonathon backstage. She takes off his hat and strokes his hair and cheek. Jonathon: Your hands feel kinda... rough. More of her skin is reverting to its mummy form. She moves in for a kiss. Jonathon: Aren't you with Xander? Ampata: (whispers) Does it look like I'm with Xander? They move in to kiss. Xander calls out, looking for her. Xander: Ampata! Jonathon pulls away from her and grabs his hat. Jonathon: That's my cue to leave. He runs from the room. She stands by the window, looking out. Xander finds her. Xander: There you are. Why'd you run away? She slowly turns to face him. Ampata: Because... I do not deserve you. Xander: What, you think that you don't deserve me? (laughs) Man, I love you! She sheds a few tears and looks up at him sorrowfully. His smile fades. Xander: Are those tears of joy? Pain? Revulsion? (comes closer) Ampata: (crying) I am very happy. And very sad. Xander: Then talk to me. Let me know what's wrong. Ampata: I can't! She hugs him and cries into his shoulder. Xander: Hey, I know why you can't tell me. (pushes her away to look at her) It's a secret, right? (she nods) And if you told me, you'd have to k*ll me. (smiles) She doesn't think it's funny, and hugs him again, crying even harder. Xander: Oh! That was a bad joke. And the delivery was off, too. I'm sorry. (pushes her away again) I, uh... He strokes her hair and face gently. Xander: I'm sorry. They kiss gently yet tentatively. She reaches her arm around his head and pulls him closer for a harder kiss. His eyes go wide with shock and surprise as he feels his life force begin to drain. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The back room at the Bronze. Xander's life force continues to drain. Suddenly Ampata breaks off the kiss, letting Xander fall to the floor. Ampata: No! I can't. Xander is drained of strength and takes quick, short breaths. She kneels down and pulls him around, laying his head in her lap. Ampata: Xander, I'm so sorry. Cut to the museum. Giles is reading from a book while assembling the seal. Giles: 'Incan Cosmology unites the bird head with its paler twin.' (looks around for the proper piece) Um... Oh! Here. Its paler twin. He tries the fit of the piece, and it's a match. Cut to the back room at the Bronze. Ampata senses something is wrong. Ampata: The seal! She lets Xander fall to the floor and runs out of the room. Cut to Willow. Buffy finds her. Buffy: Where's Xander? Willow: He's looking for Ampata. Buffy: We need to find him. Ampata's the mummy. Willow: Oh. (absorbs the information and smiles) Good. (realizes its implication) Xander! Buffy: Where'd they go? Willow: Backstage, I think. They rush off to find Xander just as Oz comes up to them. Oz: Hey, I... (watches them go in surprise, then smiles) Who is that girl? Cut to the hall backstage. They find Xander on the floor leaning against the wall. Buffy: Are you okay? Xander: (weakly) I think so. Boy, that was some kiss! Buffy: Where's Ampata? Xander: She said something about the seal. Buffy: The seal! Giles! C'mon. They help him up. Xander: What's goin' on? Willow: He doesn't know? Buffy: We'll tell him on the way. Cut to the museum. Giles is trying to put the last pieces of the seal together. Ampata sneaks a peek in from the exhibit entryway and sees him there. She quietly makes her way over to him. Giles: There, that's it. (sniffles) Just one more piece. Ampata reaches around his shoulder from behind and pulls him up. She takes the seal from his hand and throws it to the floor, smashing it to pieces. She grabs him by the neck and lifts him onto the rim of the stone coffin. Buffy arrives. Buffy: I'll say one thing for you Incan mummies. (Ampata looks at her) You don't kiss and tell. She makes a long, high leap onto the platform and adopts a fighting stance. Ampata: Looks like you've been keeping secrets from me! (shoves Giles into the coffin) You're not a normal girl. Buffy: And you are? She does a roundhouse kick to Ampata's face and another kick to her side. She throws a punch, but Ampata is strong, too, and catches Buffy's fist and swings her around onto the rim of the coffin. She grabs Buffy's neck and tries to choke her. Buffy headbutts Ampata, making her stagger back. She tries to kick but Ampata ducks it. Buffy lunges for her, and Ampata grabs her by the shoulder and diverts her into the coffin. She closes the stone lid on the two of them. Willow comes running in as Ampata starts to leave. She grabs Willow by the neck and picks her up. Ampata: This won't hurt! Willow begins to choke. Ampata moves in to kiss her. Xander: Let her go! (calmly walks in) If you're gonna kiss anybody, it should be me. Ampata: Xander, we can be together. (looks at Willow) Just... just let me have this one. Xander: That's never gonna happen. Ampata: I must do it. I must do it now! Or it is the end for me and for us! She tries to kiss Willow again, but Xander jumps in to stop her. Xander: NO! (pulls Willow away from her) You want life? You're gonna have to take mine. Can you do that? Ampata looks into his eyes as she considers. Her skin has mummified up to her neck. Ampata: Yes! She grabs his neck and tries to pull him to her as he holds her away by her arms. Buffy kicks at the lid of the coffin and gets it open. Xander keeps holding Ampata at bay and watches as she turns back into a mummy. Buffy comes up behind Ampata and pulls her off of Xander. His grip on her arms is so tight that they are torn from their sockets. Xander is freaked out and drops them. Buffy looks at Ampata's body and drops it, too. The head breaks off of the body as it hits the floor. Buffy is grossed out. Willow just stares at what's left, then looks at Xander and comes over to him. She crouches down next to him, holding his arm and rubbing his shoulder. He looks up at her a moment, then back down at his hands. Giles is out of the coffin now, and he and Buffy collect them to go. Giles looks back briefly as they leave the exhibit. Cut to school the next day. Buffy and Xander walk along the colonnade. Xander: (exhales) I'm really the Fun-Talking Guy today, huh? Sorry. Buffy: That's okay. You don't have to talk. Xander: I just, present company excluded, I have the worst taste in women of anyone

{"type": "series", "show": "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "episode": "02x04 - Mummy Girl"}

foreverdreaming

~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~ In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. The Summers house at night. Cut to Xander in Buffy's room. Weird Hindi music and singing is coming from the TV. Xander: Is she dying? The camera pans past Willow over to Buffy. She and Xander are lying on the bed. Willow is sitting on the floor letting them braid her hair. Buffy: I think she's singing. Xander: To a telephone in Hindi. Now that's entertainment! The Hindi woman on TV dances around the room while singing into the phone. Xander: Why is she singing? Willow: She's sad because her lover gave her twelve gold coins, but then the wizard cut open the bag of salt, and now the dancing minions have nowhere to put their big maypole... fish thing. (takes a sip of her drink) Xander: Uh-huh. Why is she singing? Buffy: Her lover? I thought that was her chiropractor. Willow: Because of that thing he did with her feet? No, that was personal. Xander: Hmm. And we thought just because we didn't have any money or anyplace to go this would be a lackluster evening. Willow: I know! We could go to the Bronze and sneak in our own tea bags and ask for hot water. (smiles) Xander: Hop off the outlaw train, Will, before you land us all in jail. Buffy: I, for one, am giddy and up. There's a kinda hush all over Sunnydale. No demons or vampires to slay, I'm here with my friends... (tilts her head at the TV) So, how does the water buffalo fit in again? Xander shakes his head. Cut to the lawn in front of the Delta Zeta Kappa fraternity house. The camera pans along the grass and then up to the house. Cut to the balcony. A girl crashes through the glass door. She rolls over the balcony railing and doesn't hesitate to drop to the ground below. A fraternity brother in a dark hooded robe rushes out onto the balcony after her. When he sees that she jumped he quickly goes back inside. Cut to the girl on the ground now. She gets up, apparently not hurt in the fall, and begins to run as fast as she can. Five brothers, all wearing robes, come streaming out of the house after her. She runs into the trees, looks around for which way to go and makes tracks for the wall to the north. Just as she reaches it she trips and falls, but quickly gets up, climbs a low tree branch and jumps over to the wall. She shimmies over the top and drops down the other side into the cemetery. The fraternity brothers follow her over the wall one by one. She runs through the cemetery for all she's worth as the boys give chase. One of the brothers is waiting ahead of her, and she runs into him and screams. Richard: Callie! Callie, where're you going? The party's just getting started. She sobs uncontrollably as he shoves her over to the others, and they take her away. He has a look around to make sure no one saw, pulls his hood over his head and follows them back to the house. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ Sunnydale High School. Cut to the hall. Cordelia is demonstrating her fake laugh to another girl. Cordelia: (fake laughter) See? Dr. Debi says when a man is speaking you make serious eye contact, and you really, really listen, and you laugh at everything he says. (laughs again) Cut to the stairs. Willow and Buffy come down and head down the hall. Willow: You dreamed about Angel again? Buffy: Third night in a row. Willow: What did he do in the dream? Buffy: Stuff. Willow: (smiles wide) Oh! Stuff! (Buffy smiles) Was it one of those vivid dreams where you could feel his lips and smell his hair? Buffy: It had surroundsound. I'm just thinking about him so much lately. Willow: You two are so right for each other. Except for the, uh... Buffy: Vampire thing. Willow: That doesn't make him a bad person. Necessarily. Buffy: I'm brainsick. I can't have a relationship with him. Willow: Not during the day, but you could ask him for coffee some night. It's the non-relationship drink of choice. Xander comes out of a classroom, sees them and hurries to catch up. Willow: It's not a date, it's a caffeinated beverage. Okay, sure, it's hot and bitter like a relationship that way, but... Xander: What's like a relationship? Buffy: Nothing I have. Coffee? Xander: Huh? He stops by Cordelia as Willow and Buffy get a drink at the fountain. Cordelia: (to the girl) There's really no comparison between college men and high school boys. (looks up at Xander) I mean, look at that. Xander: So, Cor, you're datin' college guys now. Cordelia: Well, not that it's any of your business, but I happen to be dating a Delta Zeta Kappa. Xander: Oh! An extra-terrestrial. So that's how you get a date after you exhausted all the human guys. Cordelia: You'll go to college someday, Xander. I just know your pizza delivery career will take you so many exciting places. Xander has no comeback for that, and joins the girls at the drinking fountain. Buffy and Willow have smiles on their faces from overhearing. The bell rings. Buffy: (remembering) Oh! I told Giles I'd meet him in the library ten minutes ago! Aw, he won't be upset. There hasn't been much paranormal activity lately. She heads for the library. Cut to the library. Giles paces while he lectures her. Giles: Just because the paranormal is more normal and less... para of late is no excuse for tardiness or letting your guard down. Buffy: I haven't let my guard down. Giles: Oh, really? You yawned your way through w*apon training last week, you, you, you, you skipped hand-to-hand entirely... Are you gonna be prepared if a demon springs up behind you and does this? He swings his arm over her shoulder from behind, but she grabs it and pulls it behind his back, forcing him to bend over and wince in pain. She has a bored look on her face. Giles: (in pain) Yeah, well, I'm, I'm not a demon. Which is why you should let go now. She lets him go. Giles: (quietly) Thank you. He straightens up and rubs his wrist. Giles: When you live on top of a... a mystical convergence it's only a matter of time before a fresh hell breaks loose. Now is the time that you should train more strictly, you should hunt and patrol more keenly, you should hone your skills day and night. Buffy: And the little slice of life that still belongs to me from, I don't know, seven to seven-oh-five in the morning, can I do what I want then? Giles: Buffy, you think I don't know what it's like to be sixteen? Buffy: No. I think you *don't* know what it's like to be sixteen. And a girl. And the Slayer. Giles: Fair enough, no, no, I-I don't. Buffy: Or what it's like to have to stake vampires while you're having fuzzy feelings towards one? Giles: Uh... Buffy: Digging on the undead doesn't exactly do wonders for your social life. Giles: That's exactly where, where being... different, uh, comes in handy. Buffy: Right! Who needs a social life when you've got your very own Hellmouth? Giles: Yes! Y-you, you, you have a duty, a-a-a purpose, y-y-you have a commitment in life. Now how many people your age can say that? Buffy: We talkin' foreign or domestic? How 'bout none? Giles: (he's had enough) Well, here's a hard fact of life: we all have to do things we don't like! And you have hand-to-hand this afternoon and patrol tonight. So I, I suggest you come straight here at the end of, of period six a-and you get your homework done. And don't dawdle with your friends. (Buffy pouts) And, and don't think sitting there pouting is gonna get to me, because it won't. She gives him her best pouty look. Giles: (looks away) It's not getting to me. Cut to the front of the building after school. Buffy is sitting on the railing of the stairs to the street. Xander and Willow are walking toward her. Xander: Boy, what a long day. Willow: And you skipped three classes. Xander: Yeah, and, of course, *they* flew by. (they reach Buffy) Buffy! Willow: Aren't you supposed to be doing your homework in the library? Buffy: I'm dawdling (takes Xander's arm) with my friends. Cordelia comes walking by and bumps into Willow. She continues down the stairs without so much as an acknowledgment. Xander: Works for me. A black BMW pulls up to the curb. The windows are all darkly tinted. Buffy: (to Willow) You okay? Willow: Jeez. They all watch Cordelia. Cut to her reflection in the car window. She pushes her sunglasses on top of her head as the driver's window lowers. Richard: Cordelia. Cordelia: Hi, Richard. Nice car. Tom in the passenger's seat notices Buffy sitting on the railing and points her out to Richard. Richard: So, uh, we're having a little get-together tomorrow night at the house, and it's gonna be a really special evening. Cordelia does her fake laugh. Richard and Tom don't get it. Richard: Excuse me? Cordelia: Oh! I would, I would love, *love* to go! Richard: So, who's your friend? (indicates Buffy) Cordelia: (looks) Her? Oh, she's not my friend. Tom: She's amazing! Cordelia: She's more like a sister, really! We're that close. Richard: Well, why don't you introduce us? Cordelia: (realizes she's trapped herself) Okay. (goes to get Buffy) Cut to Buffy, Xander and Willow. Xander: Okay, so tonight, channel fifty-nine, Indian TV, sex, lies, incomprehensible story lines. I'll bring the betel nuts. Cordelia: (reaches for Buffy's hand) Come on. Richard and his fraternity brother wanna meet you. Buffy: Well, I don't really wanna meet any fraternity boys. Cordelia: (pulls her) And if there was a God, don't you think he'd keep it that way? Willow and Xander watch as Cordelia drags Buffy away. Xander: Uh, I-I believe we were dawdling here! Cordelia brings Buffy up to Richard. Richard: Hi, sweetheart. I'm Richard. And you are? Buffy: *So* not interested. (tries to leave) Cordelia: (grabs Buffy's hand) Heh, she's such a little comedienne. Richard: What, she likes to play hard to get? Tom: No, Richard. I think you're playing easy to resist. Buffy starts to leave again. Tom paces her. Tom: Ah, feel free to ignore him. I do all the time. (she stops) I'm Tom Warner. I'm a senior at Crestwood College, and I... and I just feel like a complete dolt meeting you this way, so... (crosses his arms) here I stand in all my doltishness. Willow and Xander are within earshot of Tom and Buffy and overhear the conversation. Xander: Huh-huh-huh, right. Like she's gonna fall for that. Buffy: I'm Buffy Summers. Tom: Oh, nice to meet you. Are you a senior here? Buffy: Junior. Tom: Oh, me, too. Except that I'm a senior and I'm in college. So we have that in common, and... I major in history. Buffy: Mm. History stumps me. I have a hard enough time remembering what happened last week. Tom: No, nothin' happened last week, don't worry, I was there. Xander: She's gonna walk away. (pauses) Now. Tom: So, uh, my friend invited your friend to a party we're having this weekend. Cordelia does her fake laugh loudly for Richard. Tom: You know, actually he's not even really my friend. I only joined the fraternity because my father and grandpa were in it before me. Y'know, it meant a lot to them. Xander: Okay, boots, start a-walking. Tom: Oh, I know, I talk too much anyway. They're really dull parties full of really dull people, so... would you like to come and save me from a really dull fate? Buffy: Oh, I wish I could, but I'm sort of involved. Tom: Well, sure, of course you are. Well, thanks for letting me ramble. Buffy: Y'know, people underestimate the value of a good ramble. Giles spots her talking to Tom and calls out to her. Giles: Buffy! She turns to look and sees him pointing at his watch and walk off to the library. Buffy: Oh, I gotta go. (turns to go but stops and smiles) It was nice to meet you. Tom: Oh. Same here. Buffy hops up the stairs. Xander hands her bag to her, and she runs off to the library. Tom watches her go. Xander: I hate these guys. Whatever they want just falls into their laps. Don't you hate these guys? Willow: Yeah, with their charmed lives and their movie star good looks and more money than you can count? I'm hating. Cut to the library. Giles comes out of the cage holding a sword in one hand and a stick in the other. Giles: I'm going to att*ck you. A word of warning: for your own good, I won't be pulling any punches. (adopts a fighting stance) Buffy: Please don't. She kicks the sword out of his left hand. He looks at her a bit dismayed, but quickly swings the stick at her. She sidesteps him, and the end of the stick hits the floor. She pins his arm down and stomps on the stick, breaking it. He tries to lunge at her, but she sidesteps again, and he runs into the table and slides across the top. Giles: Good. So, um, you're on patrol and, uh, I'll see you in the morning. Cut to the cemetery at night. Buffy strolls through, keeping a careful watch. She spots a bracelet on the ground and bends down to pick it up. Angel suddenly appears behind her. Angel: There's blood on it. Buffy: (gets up startled and faces him) Hi. It's nice to... Blood? Angel: I can smell it. Buffy: Oh. (looks at the bracelet) It's pretty thin. It probably belonged to a girl. Angel: Probably. Buffy: (exhales) I-I was... just thinking, wouldn't it be funny some time to see each other when it wasn't a blood thing. (smiles briefly) Not funny ha, ha. Angel: What are you sayin', you wanna have a date? Buffy: No. Angel: You don't wanna have a date? Buffy: Who said 'date'? I-I-I never said 'date'. Angel: Right. You just wanna have coffee or somethin'. Buffy: (hopefully) Coffee? Angel: I knew this was gonna happen. Buffy: What? What do you think is happening? Angel: You're sixteen years old. I'm two hundred and forty-one. Buffy: I've done the math. Angel: You don't know what you're doing, you don't know what you want... Buffy: Oh. No, I, I think I do. I want out of this conversation. (starts to walk past him) Angel: (bumps into her) Listen, if we date you and I both know one thing's gonna lead to another. Buffy: One thing already has led to another. You think it's a little late to be reading me a warning label? Angel: I'm just tryin' to protect you. This could get outta control. Buffy: Isn't that the way it's supposed to be? He grabs her by the shoulders and pulls her closer. She draws a startled breath. Angel: This isn't some fairy tale. When I kiss you, you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after. Buffy: No. When you kiss me I wanna die. She pulls herself free and runs off. Cut to school the next morning. Cut to a classroom. Class is over and the students are leaving. Buffy slowly gets up from her desk and gathers her things. Cordelia comes into the room. Cordelia: Buffy! Did you lose weight? And your hair... Alright, I respect you too much to be dishonest. The hair's a little... (smiles widely) Well, that really isn't the point here, is it? The Zeta Kappas have to have a certain balance at their party, and Richard explained it all to me, but I was so busy really listening that I didn't hear much. Anyway, the deal is they need you to go. And if you don't go, I can't. And I'm talking about Richard Anderson, okay? As in Anderson Farms, Anderson Aeronautics (becomes emotional) and Anderson Cosmetics. (sobs) Well, you see why I *have* to go. Buffy, these men are rich. And I am *not* being shallow. Think of all the poor people I could help with all my money! Buffy: (off in her own world) I'll go. Cordelia: (surprised) You'll go? (huge smile) Great! I'll drive. Oh, Buffy, it's like we're sisters! With really different hair. She turns to leave and can't believe she just said what she did. Buffy can't believe it either. Cut to the fraternity house basement. A pledge is taking the oath of brotherhood. Richard: I pledge my life and my death... Pledge: I pledge my life and my death... Richard: To the Delta Zeta Kappas, and to Machida whom we serve... Pledge: To the Delta Zeta Kappas, and to Machida whom we serve... Richard: On my oath before my assembled brethren... He starts to carve a symbol into the pledge's chest with the tip of a sword. Pledge: (ignores the pain) On my oath before my assembled brethren... Richard: I promise to keep our secret from this day until my death. Pledge: I promise to keep our secret from this day until my death. Richard is finished carving and lowers the sword. Richard: In blood I was baptized. In blood I shall reign. In his name. Pledge: In blood I was baptized, and in blood I shall reign. In his name. Richard: You are now one of us. Pledge: In his name! Brothers: In his name. Richard puts the sword aside and shakes the pledge's hand. Richard: Brewski time! A brother tosses him a beer. As he opens it he walks over to Callie, who is shackled to the wall. Richard: So what's a girl like you doing in a place like this? Callie: (begs) Let me go. Richard: Let you go? Okay, let me think. Um, no! (laughs) God, I love high school girls. Mm! He walks off to join the party. Callie lowers her head and weeps. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ The lounge. Willow gathers her things to go to class. Willow: You're going to the fraternity party? What made you change your mind? Buffy: Angel. Willow: He's going with you? (to Xander) She's got a date with Angel! Isn't that exciting? Xander: I'm elated. (gets up from the couch) Buffy: I-I'm not going with Angel. I'm going with -- ye gods -- Cordelia. (starts out of the lounge) Willow: Cordelia?! (to Xander) Did I sound a little jealous just then, 'cause I'm not really... (runs after Buffy) Cordelia?! Xander: Cordelia's much better for you than Angel. (hurries after them) Willow: (catches up) What happened with Angel? Buffy: Nothing, as usual. A whole lotta nothing with Angel. Xander: Bummer. They head down the hall. Willow: I don't understand. I mean, he likes you. More than likes. Buffy: Angel barely says two words to me. Xander: Don't you hate that? Buffy: And when he does, he treats me like I'm a child. Xander: That bastard! Buffy: You know, at least Tom can carry on a conversation. Xander: Yeah! Tom? Who's Tom? Willow: The frat guy. Xander: Oh, Buffy, I don't think so. Frying pan, f*re? You know what I'm sayin'. Cut to the library. Giles comes out of his office carrying a sword behind his back and looks around. Seeing there's no one there he starts practicing a few thrusts to his front and back. He spins around and thrusts again. Giles: Will you be ready if a vampire's behind you? He thrusts the sword behind him, pretending he just jabbed one. He raises the sword above his head to s*ab his pretend fallen victim. Buffy, Willow and Xander come in through the door and see him. He hears the door and looks back. When he sees it's them he tries to make like nothing's going on. Giles: I didn't see you three... creeping about. He tosses the sword through the open cage door and kicks the door shut. Giles: Um, how did it go last night? Buffy: Found this. (gives him the bracelet) Giles: (reads the inscription) E-N-T. Willow: I've seen something like that before. Buffy: It's broken in two. I don't know what the rest of the letters might have spelled. And there's blood on it. Giles: Uh, I didn't see any. Buffy: Angel showed up. He could smell it. Xander: The blood? There's a guy you wanna party with. Giles: Blood. Willow: In Sunnydale. What a surprise. Xander: Okay, here's what we're gonna do: she should probably make the rounds again tonight, and we should try to figure out who that bracelet belongs to. Giles: Yes, good idea, yes. She'll patrol, and, and we'll reconvene... Buffy: (interrupting) Uh, hello? She's standing right here? And she's not available. Giles: Why not? Xander: Buffy, this is a little more important than... Buffy: I've got a mountain of homework to do, and, um... my mom's not really feeling well, and she could probably use my help, and, um, to be truthful I'm not really feeling all that well myself. Willow can't believe what she's hearing and stares at Buffy. Giles: Oh, w-w-well, um, sorry, of course. If-if-if you're not well. Buffy: Oh, I'll take an early pass this evening, and, um, one later on, but for the bulk of the evening... Giles: Oh, you should stay home with your mother. Cut to the halls. The three of them come out of the library. Xander gives Buffy a stern look. Buffy: Well, say it. Xander: I'm not gonna say it. Willow: You lied to Giles. Xander: 'Cause she will. Buffy: Look, I wasn't lying. I was just... protecting him from information that he wouldn't be able to... digest properly. Xander: Like a corn dog. Willow: Like you don't have a sick mother, but you'd rather go to a frat party where there's gonna be drinking and older guys and probably an orgy. Xander: Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho, rewind. Since when do they have orgies, and why aren't I on the mailing list? Buffy: There's no orgies! Willow: I heard a lot of wild things go on at frat parties. Buffy: Okay, you know what? Look, seven days a week I am busy saving the world. Once in a great while I wanna have some fun. And that's what I'm gonna have tonight. Fun! Cut to later in the lounge. Buffy and Cordelia are sitting at a table. Cordelia: This isn't about fun. This is about duty, your duty, to help me achieve permanent prosperity. Okay? Do's and dont's: don't wear black, silk, chiffon or spandex. These are my trademarks. And don't do that weird thing with your hair. Buffy: What weird thing with my... Cordelia: Don't interrupt. Do be interested if someone should speak to you. It may or may not happen, but do be polite. And laugh at the appropriate intervals. (demonstrates) Do lie to your mom about where we're going. It's a fraternity, and there will be drinking. Xander and Willow come over to the table. Xander is munching on a power bar. Willow has a Coke. Xander: So, Cor, you printing up business cards with your pager number and hours of operation, or just going with a halter top tonight? Cordelia: Oh, are we feeling a little envious? You could belong to a fraternity of rich and powerful men. In the Bizarro world. Xander has no comeback again. Buffy: Do you guys wanna join us? Xander: Nah, I gotta... digest and all. He and Willow go up to the couches and sit down. Cordelia: Makeup, makeup... Well, give it your all, and keep to the shadows. We're gonna have a blast! (smiles) Buffy lets her head fall to the table. Cut to Xander and Willow on the couch. Willow: I can't believe she lied to Giles. My world is all askew. Xander: Buffy's lying, Buffy's going to frat parties... That's not askew, that's cockeyed. Willow: Askew means cockeyed. Xander: Oh. He grabs her Coke and takes a swig. She grabs his bar and breaks off a piece. Willow: Well, there's nothing we can do about it. We'll help Giles. Xander: I'm goin' to the party. Willow: What? Xander: I gotta keep an eye on Buffy. Those frat guys creep me. Willow: You wanna protect her? Xander: Mm-hm. Willow: And prove that you're just as good as those rich, snotty guys? Xander: Mm-hm. Willow: Maybe catch an orgy? Xander: If it's on early. Willow nods her head and pops the piece of power bar into her mouth. Xander takes another swig of her Coke. Cut to the street in front of the fraternity house that night. Cordelia comes screeching in to park and smacks the car in front of her. Cut inside the car. Cordelia: Ohh! Why do they park so darn close to you? Are you ready for this? (checks her hair) Buffy: I dunno. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Cordelia: Me, too. Let's go! She gets out of the car and closes the door. Cordelia: C'mon! Cut inside the fraternity house. Two girls come in through the door and walk through the room. A couple of fraternity brothers watch them walk by. Tackle: Beaucoup babes! Linebacker: Ooo, yeah! The camera slowly pans across the room to Buffy and Cordelia. Cordelia: You know what's so cool about college? The diversity. You've got all the rich people, and all the other people. (spots Richard) Richard! Richard: Welcome, ladies. (hands them drinks) Cordelia: Thank you. Buffy: Oh, i-is there alcohol in this? Richard: Just a smidge. Cordelia: C'mon, Buffy, it's just a smidge. Buffy: I'll just... (sets the drink down) Richard: I understand. When I was your age I wasn't into grownup things either. Have you seen our multi-media room? Cordelia: Oh, the one with the cherry walnut paneling and the two forty-eight-inch televisions on satellite feed? No. Wanna show me? (smiles) Richard: What about... Cordelia: Oh, her? She's happiest by herself. They go off and leave Buffy standing there by herself. Cut to a side window. Xander pokes his head in, looks around and climbs in. "Wolves", by Shawn K. Clement and Sean W. Murray, plays on the stereo. Lyrics: Her name is Alexandra / She walks into the room He loses his balance and falls through the window onto the floor. Lyrics: All the eyes, eyes, are upon her He hops back up and takes a drink from a tray that's being passed around by a half-naked pledge. Xander: Cheers! Lyrics: Well the girl / I think she's got her hungry eyes on you Xander walks into the room and has a look around. Lyrics: Yeah, on you, you He looks at a girl as she walks by. He continues through the room. Lyrics: She says she runs with the wolves He comes into the next room, but doesn't notice Buffy behind him. She's looking the other way and doesn't see him either. He looks at another girl passing by, but is distracted by a tray of hors-d'oeuvres being carried around by another pledge in drag. He reaches for the tray and follows it away. Lyrics: She thinks she runs with the wolves Buffy turns around. She's bored and lonely and fidgets with her hands. She looks down at her drink and picks it up again. Lyrics: Love is in the air She stirs it idly for a moment, then realizes she really doesn't want it and puts it back down. She looks around the room at the people dancing. A new song starts, "She", by Louie Says. Lyrics: Bend and I'll break you The dance crowd separates for a moment and a handsome Young Man on the other side of the room looks at her. He raises his drink to her. Tackle and Linebacker are standing behind him, watching. Lyrics: Leave and I'll take you back again She notices him, picks up her drink again and raises it to him. She takes a small sip as he raises his drink for a sip also. Tackle is drunk. He notices Buffy and starts to stagger toward her. Tackle: New girl! He grabs the Young Man for balance and pulls him away before he even gets his drink to his lips. Young Man: Easy, man! Tackle: Dance! Lyrics: So bend and I'll break you Buffy looks up from putting her drink back down and stares at him in wide-eyed surprise when she sees him coming for her. Tackle: (laughs and staggers over to her) C'mon, sweetheart, ha, ha, yeah! Lyrics: Leave and I'll take you back again Tom appears in the nick of time and takes her arm. Tom: Can I have this dance? Tackle: C'mon! Tom pulls her away to the dance area just as Tackle is about to crash into her. He looks up surprised at her disappearance. He sees another girl walk by and follows her instead. Lyrics: If she bends, then she breaks Buffy: Thanks. Lyrics: She loves you, but then she takes it away Tom: No. We're not all a bunch of drunken louts. Some of us are sober louts. Lyrics: She bends and she bows Tom: I'm really glad that you decided to come. Lyrics: She's cold, but she melts like snow Buffy looks down. Tom: And you're not. Buffy: No, it's... I shouldn't be here. Lyrics: Bend and I'll break you Tom: Because you're seeing someone. Buffy: No. Tom: You're not seeing someone? Lyrics: Sleep and I'll wake you tonight Buffy: Someone's not seeing me. Tom: So, why shouldn't you be here? Lyrics: Hey, don't you want to understand / Understand that Buffy: Because I have obligations. People that I'm responsible for, or to, or... (Tom laughs and so does she) with, or... It's complicated. Lyrics: If she bends, then she breaks Tom: You're big on responsibility. I like that. But there's such a thing as being too mature. Lyrics: She loves you, but then she takes it away Tom: You should relax. Enjoy yourself once in a while. Lyrics: She bends and she bows Buffy: You think I'm too mature? Tom: (chuckles) I talk too much. Have you picked up on that yet? Lyrics: She's cold, but she melts like snow Tom: Anyway, the, uh, the Hulk is gone, so you don't have to dance with me. Lyrics: She bends, she breaks Buffy: He might come back. Lyrics: She hates you, but then she makes a mistake She continues dancing with Tom. Cut to Xander talking to two girls. Another hors-d'oeuvre tray passes by, and he grabs another one. Lyrics: Confused and a lot to take / And where to fall out and when Xander: (playing with his hors-d'oeuvres) Godzilla's attacking downtown Tokyo! Argh! Argh! Richard is watching Xander. Tackle and Linebacker join him. Lyrics: Hey, yes Tackle: Who's this dork? Lyrics: She won't be good to you Richard: Never seen him before in my life. Lyrics: And I hate the way that I am Linebacker: We got us a crasher! The three of them come up to Xander. Lyrics: I hate the way I am Xander: (to the girls) So, have either of you seen a pair of girls here? One's about so high... (notices the guys) Hey, guys! Tackle: New pledge. Linebacker: New pledge! Tackle: (grabs Xander and yells) New pledge! Together: (dragging him off) New pledge! New pledge! New pledge! New pledge! New pledge! Cut outside to the patio. Buffy strolls out of the house alone. It's chilly, and she rubs her arms a bit and crosses them. She steps on a piece of glass and looks down. There are several small pieces there and she crouches to pick one up. She looks up above her and notices the door to the balcony has been boarded up. Tom is outside now, too, and notices her as she stands back up. Tom: You okay? Buffy: (drops the piece of glass and exhales) Yeah. I was... just thinking. Richard finds them there, too, and hands them both drinks. Richard: To my Argentinean junk bonds that just matured into double digits! Tom: Uh, to maturity. Buffy: What the hell. I'm tired of being mature. She gulps the drink. The two boys raise their eyebrows and drink theirs also. Cut to the library. Willow and Giles are playing word games, trying to figure out what the word on the bracelet might be. Willow types the words as they think of them. Willow: Bent. Giles: Sent. Willow: Rent. Giles: Uh, Lent. Dent. Willow: Went. Kent. Kent! That's it! Giles: Her boyfriend's name was Kent? Willow: No! Kent Preparatory School. Just outside of town. That's where I've seen these bracelets. Giles: Wh-what are you doing? Willow: Pulling up their school newsletter for the past few months. See if there's anything about... Giles: A missing girl. The most recent issue of the newsletter has a picture of Callie on the front page. The title of the article reads 'Callie Our Hearts & Prayers Are With You'. Cut to the fraternity house. Xander is being hazed. Linebacker grabs his cheeks to pucker his lips and smears lipstick on them. Everyone is laughing hysterically. "Bring Me On", by Act of Faith, is playing on the sound system. Lyrics: Say what you say when you say what you've gotta say / Do you fear what you hear are you gonna fear / Do you know what you know when you gotta know / No, No, No Tackle: C'mon, dance, pretty boy! The camera pulls back from Xander's face. They've put a skirt and a huge bra on him. He does his usual lame dancing while the party guests cheer him on. Tackle: Keep it movin'! (laughs) C'mon! Shake it, don't break it! Wrap it up and I'll take it! Xander: (nervous) Okay, big fun guys. Uhhh, who's next? Tackle puts a blonde wig on his head. Tackle: You are, doll face! Keep on dancin'! Ah, alright! Cut to Buffy at the front door. She's woozy from the drink and steadies herself against the wall. Tackle: Oh! Keep it up! Yes! C'mon! Keep it goin'! Ah, ha! Buffy makes her way over to the stairs. She knocks down a drink, but can't react fast enough to catch it. She looks up at the commotion in the next room. Buffy: Tom? Through hazy eyes and a wobbly head she sees Xander dancing with his back to her. Slowly she starts to make her way up the stairs to find a place to rest. In the other room Tackle and Linebacker continue to goad Xander on. Cut upstairs to a bedroom. Buffy pushes open the door, comes in and bumps into a sculpture. Buffy: Ooo! Ooo, sorry... She steadies herself and heads for the bed. Buffy: Okay. (crawls onto the bed) Nice bed. Just need to stop spinning for at least... She lies down and falls asleep. Richard shows up at the door. He pushes it open and peeks in. He comes in when he sees Buffy asleep on the bed. He rolls her over onto her back and smiles as he brushes his hand along her neck. He's suddenly pulled away from her and shoved against the wall. Tom: Get away from her! Richard: I wasn't doing anything! Tom: I saw what you were doing. Richard: I was just having a little fun. Tom: Well, she's not here for your fun, you pervert. She's here for the pleasure of the one we serve. Richard: (ashamed) In his name. Tom: And that goes for the other one, too. The camera pans from Tom down to Buffy on the bed and continues to Cordelia on the floor. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Giles picks up the printout of the Newsletter's front page. Giles: Callie Megan Anderson. Missing for over a week. No one's seen her, no one knows what happened to her. Willow: This being Sunnydale and all I guess we can rule out something good. Giles: I'm calling Buffy. Willow: No! Giles: Why not? Willow: (nervous) Because Buffy... a-a-and her mother... Giles: Are sick. No, you're quite right. No, there's no point in disturbing them until we know more. Willow turns her attention back to the PC. Some more information comes up. Willow: You mean, like, if there're others? Brittany Oswald, junior at St. Michael's, disappeared a year ago. So did Kelly Percell, h*m* at Grant. Giles: A year. Willow: Almost to the day. Giles: An anniversary or perhaps some other event significant to the k*ller. Willow: k*ller? Now there's a k*ller? We don't know that there's a... Giles: No, but this being Sunnydale and all. Willow: Gulp. Giles: (exhales) We need to know where Buffy found that bracelet, and then we can begin our search there. (reaches for the phone) Willow: Good idea. Call Angel. (gets a confused look from Giles) Uh, he was there when Buffy found it. We're gonna need all the help we can get. Giles agrees with her logic. Cut to the fraternity house front door. The party is over. Tackle shoves Xander out of the house. Linebacker throws him his clothes. Linebacker: Party's over, jerkwater. Xander: Wait, a friend of mine was here. Tackle: Y'know, in that light, with that wig on and all... you're still butt-ugly! They laugh and close the door in Xander's face. He drops his clothes, pulls off the wig, and throws it down. He undoes the bra, takes it off and throws it down, too. Cut to the basement. Richard takes a sword and walks behind a kneeling Tom. Tom has a series of symbols carved onto his chest. Richard begins to carve another one on Tom's back. The camera pans over to the three girls shackled to the wall. Cordelia: Buffy? Where are we? Buffy: In the basement, far as I can tell. Cordelia: What's happening? What did they do to us? Buffy: They drugged us. Cordelia: Why? What are they gonna do to us? Buffy: I don't know. Cordelia: (whines) I wanna go home. Callie: No one's going home. Ever. Look, one of them's different than the others. (looks at Tom) Nicer. Buffy: (whispers) Tom. Richard is finished carving Tom's new symbol. He gets up and turns to the girls. Two brothers help him on with his robe. Callie: He's the one to watch out for. Buffy shakes her chain a bit and looks up where it's anchored. Tom looks at her. Tom: She's last. Cordelia: Last? For what? Tom walks over to the well and picks up a bag. Cordelia: Who's first?! Answer me! Who's first?! Tom lets three stones drop out of the bag and into his hand. Buffy: Three stones. (looks at Cordelia and Callie) Three of us. Cordelia: (beginning to panic) Buffy... Buffy: Stay calm. We'll get outta this. Tom pours water over the stones. Cordelia: Why'd I ever let you talk me into coming here? Buffy can't believe her ears. Tom is done with his stone-cleansing ritual and faces the girls. He stares at Buffy. Cut to the library. Angel: She found the bracelet in the cemetery. Near the south wall. Giles: South wall. Willow stares at the window in fascination. Angel casts no reflection in it. Giles: (to Willow) What are you doing? Willow: Oh! Sorry. The reflection thing that you don't have. Angel, how do you shave? (the men exchange a look) South wall. That's near the college and... the fraternity house! Giles: A fraternity? Willow nods nervously. Angel: Could they be taking these girls? (Willow nods again) Let's get out there! Giles and Angel start to go. Willow holds back. Willow: Buffy! Giles: Wwwe don't know that it's concrete. Uh, let's not disturb her until... Willow: Is there! With Cordelia. They went to a party at the Zeta Kappa house. Giles: She lied to me? Willow: (nervous) Well... Angel: Did... she have a date? Willow: Well... (Angel huffs) Well, why do you think she went to that party? Because you gave her the brush-off! (to Giles) And you never let her do anything except work and patrol! And I know she's the Chosen One, but you're k*lling her with the pressure! I mean, she's sixteen going on forty! (to Angel) And you! I mean, you're gonna live forever! You don't have time for a cup of coffee?! Angel and Giles are speechless. Willow: Okay, I don't feel better now, and we've gotta help Buffy. She hurries out of the library. Giles and Angel follow shortly behind. Cut to the street in front of the fraternity house. Xander walks past a few cars. He's still wearing the skirt and carries his clothes in a bundle. Xander: One day I'll have money. Prestige. Power. And on that day they'll still have more. He walks past Cordelia's car, and it looks familiar to him. He checks the license plate and it reads 'QUEEN C'. It's Cordelia's car, alright. He looks back up at the house a moment, and then makes his way back to it. Cut to the basement. The ritual is continuing. Tom is standing on the basement stairs holding the sword. Tom: Machida. (starts down) Brothers: In his name. Tom: We who serve you, we who receive all that you bestow, call upon you in this holy hour. Brothers: In this holy hour. He turns to walk toward Richard, holding the sword horizontally in both hands. Tom: We have no wealth, no possession... except that which you give us. Brothers: Except that which you give us. He places the sword on Richard's arms. Tom: We have no power, no place in the world... except that which you give us. Brothers: Except that which you give us. Richard hugs the sword to his chest, crossing his hands over his heart. Cordelia: What are they, some kind of cult or something? Buffy: Yeah, a psycho cult. Cordelia: You've gotta do something. Tom: It's been a year since our last offering. Richard lowers the sword and rests the tip on the floor. Tom: A year in which our bounty overflowed. We come before you with fresh offerings. Cordelia: Offerings? He's talking about us? Callie: Do you see anyone else chained up in here? Tom: Accept our offering, Dark Lord, and bless us with your power. Machida! Brothers: Machida! Tom tosses the stones into the well at the center of the basement one at a time. Cordelia: (frightened) What's down there? Tom: Come forth, and let your terrible countenance look upon your servants, and their humble offering. We call you, Machida. Brothers: In his name. Machida. Cordelia: There's something down there and he's gonna throw us down there with it. Buffy: I don't think so. Cordelia: No? Well, that's good! That, that's... Buffy: I don't think we go to it. I think it comes to us. Cordelia: (terrified) Ooohhhhhhh! No! Tom looks up, awaiting Machida's arrival. The camera closes in on the well, and suddenly Machida rises out of it. Cordelia: Oh, my God! (screams) It's a half-man, half-snake, green and scaly. He growls as he looks at the girls. Cordelia keeps screaming at the top of her lungs. Buffy stares at Machida in wide-eyed horror. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The basement. Buffy tries to yank her chains from the ceiling. Cordelia: C'mon, Buffy! Oh, my God! Oh, c'mon! Oh! Machida remains stationary and spreads his arms. Tom: For he shall rise from the depths, and we shall tremble before him. The camera pans down and over to Tom. Tom: He who is the source of all we inherit and all we possess. Machida. Brothers: Machida. Tom: And if he is pleased with our offerings, then our fortune shall increase. Brothers: Machida. Let our fortunes increase. Tom: And on the tenth day of the tenth month he shall be enhungered. And we shall feed him. Machida gazes over at the girls. Cordelia: Feed him? Machida rises before her. Cordelia: Feed him?! Buffy renews her efforts to break the chains from the ceiling. Cordelia: Oh, no! Cut outside. Angel, Willow and Giles walk through the bushes from the street to the lawn. Willow: Looks like everyone's gone. They look up at the house as a robed figure comes up behind them. The figure steps on some foliage, and Angel instantly spins around to confront him. Angel: Hey! Xander: Hey! (lifts the hood from his eyes) What are you guys doing here? Willow: A bunch of girls are missing, and the Zeta Kappas may be involved, and Buffy. Are you wearing makeup? Xander smears the lipstick off with his fingers. Xander: No. I think Buffy's still inside somewhere with Cordelia. Her car's still here. Giles: Why are you wearing that? (indicates the robe) Xander: Oh, I found it in their trash. I saw them through the window. They were wearing robes and went down to the basement. I was gonna use it to sneak in. Giles: They may be involved in some kind of ritual. Willow: With the missing girls. Angel: (growls, vamped out) With Buffy! Xander: Okay, that *is* the guy you wanna party with. Cut to the basement. Machida closes in on Cordelia and she screams. Buffy: Hey, reptile boy! (gets his attention) Tom: No woman speaks to him! Buffy: You don't want her. Look at her. She's all skin and bones. Half an hour later you'll be hungry. Tom: (comes over to Buffy) I told you to shut up! He backhand punches her and holds up his sword. Tom: You speak again and I'll cut your throat. Cut upstairs. Xander steps up to the door holding his head down and knocks. Tackle comes to the door to answer. Xander: Got locked out dumping the trash. Let me in. I don't wanna miss the, uh... Tackle opens the door and waves him in. Tackle: Come on. Xander: ...you know what. (throws back his hood) Where are they?! He punches Tackle in the face and knocks him down, but has really hurt his hand doing it. Angel comes in behind him and punches out Linebacker. Willow and Giles follow them in. Cut to the basement. Two brothers unchain Cordelia and hold her. Tom hears the commotion upstairs. Tom: Something's going on upstairs. (to the brothers) Go. Go! Several of them rush upstairs to see what's going on. Buffy looks up at her chains again, then back at Machida. Tom: Feed, Dark Lord! Machida rises above Cordelia, then moves in to take her from the brothers' grip. She screams loudly and struggles. Buffy yanks hard at her chains again, and they finally break loose from the ceiling. She quickly steps over to Machida and punches him in the face. He pulls back away from them, holding the side of his face. Buffy starts fighting the brothers. Tom takes a swing at her with his sword. Cut upstairs. Angel throws a brother to the floor. Willow jumps over him, runs to the basement door and goes in. Xander is on Tackle's back, punching him. Xander: That's for the wig! (punches again) That's for the bra! Giles struggles with a door. A brother tries to grab him from behind, but he elbow-punches him and knocks him out. Willow comes back out of the basement door. Willow: Some guy's attacking Buffy with a sword! Also there's a really big snake! Angel punches another brother and sends him reeling into the sill of an opening in the wall. Willow screams and backs off as the brother falls to the floor.

{"type": "series", "show": "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "episode": "02x05 - Reptile Boy"}

foreverdreaming

~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~ In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. Pop's Pumpkin Patch. The camera pans down from the sign over the stand past another one counting off the days until Halloween to a pumpkin on the ground aglow with a candle. Buffy lands flat on her back on top of it. She looks up at the vampire that just threw her and sees him coming toward her. She grabs a squash lying on the ground behind her and throws it at him, hitting him in the forehead. She follows it up with a pumpkin. The vampire staggers back a few steps. Buffy hops back to her feet. She pulls a stake out of her shirt and launches it at him. He grabs the scarecrow and pulls it over in front of him so the stake impales it instead. He shoves the scarecrow aside and comes at her with a roundhouse kick. They start fighting hand-to-hand. Cut to a view of them through a camcorder. The 'record' light is on. Cut to another vampire taping the fight. He gets closer for a better view. Cut to the view through the camcorder. Buffy continues to fight the first vampire. The 'battery low' indicator starts flashing. A moment later the view becomes snowy, and the vampire takes the camcorder away from his eye. He jostles it, and it starts working again. He raises it back to his eye to continue recording. The fight goes on, and a few hits later the first vampire knocks Buffy into the hay wagon. She holds onto the side of the wagon and kicks the vampire to the ground. She turns around with her back to the wagon and grabs the railing as the vampire gets back up. She raises her legs and grabs the vampire's head in a scissor hold. She twists her body and flips him over sideways onto the ground. Stepping away from the wagon, she spies the sign and then looks down at the vampire. He tries to grab for her legs, so she jumps over him and somersaults to the countdown sign. She pulls it out of the ground and swings it at his legs as he comes for her, knocking them out from under him. She raises the sign and jams the end of the signpost into his chest. The vampire bursts into ashes. Buffy leaves the sign stuck in the ground at its new location and walks out of the pumpkin patch. The second vampire lowers the camcorder and slowly backs away as he watches her go. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ The Bronze. A waitress picks up a tray of cappuccino and cupcakes. The camera follows her as she heads to her table. She turns to her right, but the camera continues through the crowd over to Angel sitting alone at a table, looking very bored. A huge spider web and other Halloween decorations adorn the staircase behind him. Cordelia spots him with his bored look and comes over to his table. "Shy", by Epperley, is playing. Lyrics: I don't say much but I, but I like to sing Cordelia: I know. Is the Bronze so not happening? Or what? (sets down her drink and sits) Angel: Oh. Hi. Lyrics: Won't tell you what I'm thinking Cordelia: Hi! Angel: I'm waiting for Buffy. Lyrics: Just have to wait and sing Cordelia: Great! I'm supposed to be meeting Devon, but he's nowhere to be seen. It's like he thinks being in a band gives him an obligation to flake. Angel smiles at the joke. Cordelia: Well, his loss is your incredible gain! Cut to the door. Buffy comes in, looks around and sees Angel at the table with Cordelia, laughing. Cut to Angel's table. Cordelia: So I told Devon, 'You call that leather interior? My Barbie Dream Car had nicer seats!' (they both laugh) Lyrics: I have no skin left on my, on my fingertips Cut to Buffy. She's upset seeing Angel there with Cordelia and turns around to leave. Angel notices her as she's about to go. Angel: Buffy? He gets up and hurries over to her. Angel: Buffy! Lyrics: But still my heart pours out, out from my lips Buffy: (turns back around) Hi! I'm... Angel: Late. Buffy: Rough day at the office. Angel reaches up to her hair and pulls out a piece of straw. Angel: So I see. Lyrics: Well I'm mute, but I'm not quite mute Buffy: Hey, it's a look. A seasonal look. Lyrics: And I say the things you want to hear Cordelia: (appears behind Angel) Buffy. Love the hair. It just screams street urchin. (leaves) Lyrics: I'm mute, but I'm not quite mute Buffy: (smiles) Know what? I need to go... (loses the smile) put a bag over my head. (starts to go) Lyrics: And I keep to myself to defend Angel: (grabs her arm) Don't listen to her. Please. You look fine. Lyrics: Yeah I'm alright Buffy: You're sweet. A terrible liar, but sweet. Lyrics: Oh now don't want to fight Angel: I thought we had... Buffy: A date. So did I. But who am I kidding? Lyrics: I'm an angel burning out / Oh now Buffy: Dates are things normal girls have. Girls who have time to think about nail polish and facials. You know what I think about? Ambush tactics. Beheading. Not exactly the stuff dreams are made of. (turns and goes out the door) Cordelia: (comes back) Cappuccino? She holds the cup up to him. He looks at her, down at the cappuccino and then back at the door. Cut to school the next day. Sign-ups are being taken for the volunteer safety program for Halloween. Principal Snyder takes one of the clipboards and looks around the hall. He grabs the next girl that walks by and pulls her aside. Girl: Hey! Snyder: You're volunteering. He holds out the clipboard and pen to her. Willow, Buffy and Xander come in from the other hall. Girl: But I have to get to class. Snyder just shrugs. The team walks past him. Willow: Snyder must be in charge of the volunteer safety program for Halloween this year. Xander: Note his interesting take on the volunteer concept. Buffy: What's the deal? They've reached Willow's locker, and she works the combination. Xander: Oh, a bunch of little kids need people to take them trick-or- treating. Sign up and get your own pack of sugar-hyped little runts for the night. Buffy: Yikes. I'll stick to vampires. Snyder puts his hand on her shoulder, and she spins around to face him. Snyder: Miss Summers. Just the juvenile delinquent I've been looking for. Buffy: Principal Snyder! Snyder: Halloween must be a big night for you. Tossing eggs, keying cars, bobbing for apples, one pathetic cry for help after another. Well, (leads her to the sign-up table) not this year, missy. Willow and Xander come stand behind her. Buffy: Gosh, I'd love to sign up, but I recently developed carpal tunnel syndrome, and can tragically no longer hold a flashlight. Snyder holds up the clipboard and pen. Snyder: The program starts at four, the children have to be back at six. Buffy reluctantly grabs the pen and clipboard and signs herself up. Xander thinks it's funny and smiles back at Willow. Willow has a concerned look on her face. Snyder holds pens out to Willow and Xander, too. They both look at him, begging not to be put through this. Willow gives in and takes the pen. Cut to another part of the hall. Xander: I can't believe this. We have to get dressed up and the whole deal? Willow: Snyder said costumes were mandatory. Buffy: Great. I was gonna stay in and veg. The one night a year things are supposed to be quiet for me. Xander: Halloween quiet? Oh, I figured it'd be a big old vamp scare- apalooza. They walk into the lounge. Buffy: Not according to Giles. He swears that tomorrow night is, like, d*ad for the undead. (the girls sit) They stay in. Xander: (smiling) Those wacky vampires! That's why I love 'em! They just keep you guessing! He puts his satchel down on the table and heads over to the soda vending machine. He puts in his coins and hits a button. Nothing. He hits another one. Still nothing. He hits the machine in the front and on the side. Larry comes up to him and puts his hand on Xander's shoulder. Larry: Harris! Xander: Hey, Lar. You're lookin' Cro-Mag as usual. What can I do you for? Larry: You and Buffy, you're just friends, right? Xander: I like to think of it less as a friendship and more as a solid foundation for future bliss. Larry: So, she, she's not your girlfriend? Xander: Alas, no. Larry looks over at Buffy as he walks around Xander. Larry: Do you think she'd go out with me? He turns to face Xander with Buffy to his back now. Xander: Well, Lar, that's a tough question to... No. Not a chance. Larry: Why not? I heard some guys say she was fast. Xander: I hope you mean like the wind. Larry: Yeah, you know what I mean. Xander: That's my friend that you're talkin' about! Larry: Oh, yeah? Well, what're you gonna do about it? Xander: I'm gonna do what any man would do about it: (grabs Larry by the shirt) somethin' damn manly. Larry smiles and laughs. He knocks Xander's hands away and grabs him by the shirt with his right hand. He balls his left hand into a fist and draws back for a punch. Buffy grabs his wrist, pulls it behind his back and slams his head into the vending machine. A Diet Dr Pepper rolls into the slot. Buffy: Get gone. She pulls Larry back from the machine and shoves him away. She notices the soda can. Buffy: Ooo! Diet! (grabs the can) Xander: Do you know what you just did? Buffy: Saved you a dollar? Xander: No, but Larry was about to pummel me! Buffy: Oh, that? Forget about it! (heads back to the table) Xander: Oh, I'll forget about it. (follows her) In maybe fifteen, twenty years when my rep for being a sissy man finally fades! Buffy: (stops and faces him) Xander, don't you think you're... Xander: (interrupts) A black eye heals, Buffy, but cowardice has an unlimited shelf life. Oh, thanks! Thanks a lot for *your* help. He grabs his bag from the table and walks off in a huff. Buffy moans and sits back down with Willow. Buffy: I think I just violated the guy code big time. Willow: Poor Xander. Boys are so fragile. Speaking of, how was your date last night? Buffy: Misfire. I was late due to unscheduled slayage. Showed up looking trashed. Willow: Was he mad? Buffy: Actually he was pretty unmad. Which probably had something to do with the fact that Cordelia was drooling in his cappuccino. Willow: Oh, Buffy. Angel would never fall for her act. Buffy: You mean that 'actually showing up, wearing a stunning outfit, embracing personal hygiene' act? Willow: You know what I mean. Uh, she's not his type. Buffy: Are you sure? I mean, I don't know what his type is. I've known him less than a year, and if you haven't noticed, he's not exactly one to over share. Willow: True. It's too bad we can't sneak a look at the Watcher diaries and read up on Angel. I'm sure it's full of fun facts to know and tell. Buffy: Yeah. It's too bad. That stuff is private. Willow: Also Giles keeps them in his office. In his personal files. Buffy: Most importantly, it would be wrong. Cut to the library. Willow and Buffy look in through the round door window. They don't see Giles and give each other a look. Buffy quietly opens the door and goes in. She looks back at Willow, who gives her encouragement. The door closes and Willow looks in through the glass. Buffy quietly makes her way up to the counter and looks around again for Giles. Satisfied that he's not there she heads for his office. Giles: Buffy! She spins around and sees him in the cage getting some old books. Giles: Excellent! Buffy: Nothing! Hi! Giles: Yes, I-I just wanted to talk to you about tomorrow night. As it should be, uh, calm, you might work on some new battle techniques. Buffy: You're beginning to scare me, Giles. You need to have some fun. She waves to Willow to come in as he's looking down at his books. Willow shakes her head and mouths 'no'. Giles looks up, and Buffy pulls her hand back and pretends she was scratching her head. Buffy: You know, there's this place you can go, right, and you sit in the dark, and there are these moving pictures, right, and the pictures tell a story. Giles: Yes, yes, ha, ha, very droll. Willow quietly comes in. Giles: I'll have you know that I have very, uh, many relaxing hobbies. Buffy: Such as? Giles: Well, um... Buffy mouths something to Willow to goad her on. Giles: I enjoy cross-referencing. Buffy: Do you stuff your own shirts, or do you send them out? She grabs a book from the stack he's about to take to his office and walks around him to draw his view away from his office door. Buffy: So! How come Halloween is such a big yawner? I mean, do the demons just hate how commercial it's become? (leafs through the book) Giles: (puts his books down) Um, it's interesting, ac... Not, I suspect, to you. (takes the book from her) What is it you're after? Willow has made it to the office door. Buffy: Of course, it's of interest to me! I'm the Slayer. I need to know these things. You can't keep me in the dark any longer. Willow opens the door and starts in. Giles grabs the stack of books again and starts to turn to his office. Buffy: Look at me when I talk to you! Willow looks over at them anxiously. Giles: I really don't have time for these games. Buffy: Ms. Calendar said you were a babe. Willow looks back again, but this time gives Buffy a look and shakes her head. Giles: She said what? Buffy: (meekly) Well, she said that you were a... h-hunk of burning... something or other. So, (exhales) whadaya think of that? Giles: Uh, I... (exhales) I don't, um, uh... A burning hunk of what? Buffy: Look. You know how disgusting it is for me to even contemplate you grownups having smoochies, (sees Willow come out of the office with a diary) but I think you should go for it. Giles: Buffy, I appreciate your interest, but... Willow hurries past the counter. Buffy: But I've overstepped my bounds. It's none of my business, you know. (stammers) What was I thinking? My God! Shame, (Willow goes out the door) shame. I gotta go. (quickly walks out) Giles: (not sure what to make of it) A babe? (smirks) I can live with that. Cut to the girls' bathroom. Buffy and Willow are sitting on the sinks and looking at a drawing of a noble woman with a tiny waist wearing a billowy gown. Buffy: Man, look at her. Willow: Who is she? Buffy: It doesn't say, but the entry's dated 1775. Willow: Angel was eighteen. And still human. Buffy: So that's the kinda girl he hung around? She's pretty coiffed. Willow: She looks like a noble woman or something. Which means being beautiful is sort of her job. Buffy: And clearly this girl was a workaholic. I'll never be like this. Willow: C'mon! She's not that pretty. I mean, look at her. She's got a funny... uh, waist. Look how tiny that is. Buffy: (sarcastically) Thank you. Now I feel better. Willow: (exhales) No. She's like a freak. A circus freak. Yuk. Buffy: (exhales) Musta been wonderful. Put on some fantabulous gown and go to a ball like a princess, and have horses and servants, and yet more gowns. Willow: Yeah. Still, I think I prefer being able to vote. (Buffy raises her brows) (smiles) Or I will when I can. Cordelia comes into the bathroom and goes to the mirror. Cordelia: So, Buffy. You ran off last night and left poor little Angel all by his lonesome. But I did everything I could to comfort him. Buffy: I'll bet. Cordelia: (gets out her blush) So, what's his story anyway? I mean, I never see him around. (brushes some onto her cheeks) Willow: Not during the day, anyway. Cordelia: Oh, please. Don't tell me he still lives at home. Like, he has to wait for his dad to get back before he can take the car? (puts the blush away) Buffy: Cordelia, I think his parents have been d*ad for a couple of hundred years. Cordelia: (touches up her lip gloss) Oh, good. I mean... (faces them) What? Buffy: Angel's a vampire. I thought you knew. Cordelia: (turns back to the mirror) Oh, he's a vampire. (puts away the lip gloss) Of course! But the cuddly kind. Like a Carebear with fangs? Willow: It's true. Cordelia: (steps over to them) You know what I think? (crosses her arms) I just think you're trying to scare me off 'cause you're afraid of the competition. Look, Buffy, you may be hot stuff when it comes to demonology or whatever, but when it comes to dating, I'm the Slayer. She walks out. Buffy just watches her go. Cut to Ethan's Costume Shop. The store is full of mothers with their kids looking for Halloween costumes. Buffy is handling a plastic pumpkin when it suddenly lights up and screams. She quickly puts it back on the counter. Willow comes over to her. Buffy: What'd you get? Willow: A time-honored classic! (holds up a ghost costume) Buffy: Okay, Will, can I give you a little friendly advice? Willow: It's not spooky enough? Buffy: It's just... you're never gonna get noticed if you keep hiding. You're missing the whole point of Halloween. Willow: (smiles) Free candy? Buffy: It's come as you aren't night. The perfect chance for a girl to get sexy and wild with no repercussions. Willow: Oh, I don't get wild. Wild on me equals spaz. Buffy: Don't underestimate yourself. You've got it in you. Willow: Hey, Xander! He comes up to them. Willow: What'd you get? He pulls a toy military r*fle out of his bag and holds it up for Willow to see. Buffy: That's not a costume. Xander: (gives Buffy a look, then turns to Willow) I got fatigues from an Army surplus at home. Call me the Two-Dollar Costume King, baby! He smiles at Willow. She smiles back. Buffy: Hey, look, Xander... (he points the r*fle at her) I'm... really sorry about this morning. Xander: Do you mind, Buffy? I'm trying to repress. Buffy: Okay, then I promise, from now on I'll let you get pummeled. (puts her chin on his shoulder and pouts) Xander: (rolls his eyes) Thank you. (Buffy smiles) Okay, y'know, actually I think I could've t... Buffy is distracted by a costume. She slowly starts walking over to it. Xander: Hello! That was our touching reconciliation moment there. She keeps walking over to a frilly, red, billowy 18th-century gown. Buffy: I'm sorry, it's just... Look at this. Willow: It's amazing. Xander: Too bulky. I prefer my women in spandex. Ethan notices her looking at the dress and comes over to them. Ethan: Please, let me. He takes the dress off of its dressmaker's mannequin. Buffy: Oh, i-it's... Ethan: Magnificent. Yes, I know. There. (holds it up to her in a mirror) My. Meet the hidden princess. I think we found a match. Don't you? Buffy: (looks at Ethan) Oh, uh, I-I'm sorry. There's no way I could ever afford this. Ethan: Oh, nonsense. I feel quite moved to make you a deal you can't refuse. She looks back into the mirror, takes the dress from Ethan and smiles dreamily as she holds it up to her chin. Cut to Spike's warehouse. He's watching the video that the vampire took of Buffy's fight. Spike: Here it comes. (watches) Rewind that. Let's see that again. The vampire rewinds the tape as Spikes strolls around to another monitor. Spike: (chuckles) She's tricky. Baby likes to play. The scene where she stakes the vampire with the sign replays. Spike: You see that? The way she stakes him with that thing? That's what's called resourceful. Rewind it again. Drusilla: (comes from the other room) Miss Edith needs her tea. Spike: C'mere, poodle. (holds his hand out to her) Drusilla: (takes his hand) Do you love my insides? The parts you can't see? Spike: Eyeballs to entrails, my sweet. That's why I've got to study this Slayer. Once I know her I can k*ll her. And once I k*ll her you can have your run of Sunnyhell. Get strong again. Drusilla: Don't worry. Everything's switching. Outside to inside. (breathes at Spike's neck) It makes her weak. Spike: Really? Did my pet have a vision? Drusilla: Do you know what I miss? Leeches. Spike: Come on, talk to Daddy. This thing that makes the Slayer weak? When is it? Drusilla: Tomorrow. Spike: Tomorrow's Halloween. Nothing happens on Halloween. Drusilla: Someone's come to change it all. Someone new. Cut to the back room at Ethan's. He comes through the curtain and kneels before his statue of Janus. He presses his hands together and winces in pain. When he pulls them apart there are wounds in his palms, and blood flows freely from them. Ethan: The world that denies thee, thou inhabit. He dabs the blood from his left hand with his right middle finger and smears it over his right eyelid. Ethan: The peace that ignores thee,... He dabs the blood from his right hand with his left middle finger and smears it over his left eyelid. Ethan: ...thou corrupt. He dabs the blood from his left hand with his right middle finger again and smears a cross onto his forehead. Ethan: Chaos. I remain, as ever, thy faithful, degenerate son. The camera pans over the top of the statue from the woman's face on one side to the man's face on the other. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ Buffy's room. She's at her long mirror wearing her gown and a long, black wig. She puts on the second of a pair of earrings. Willow is in the bathroom changing. Willow: Where're you meeting Angel? Buffy: Here. After trick-or-treating. Mom's gonna be out. Willow: Does he know about your costume? Buffy: Nope. Call it a blast from his past. I'll show him I can coif with the best of 'em. (turns to the bathroom door) Okay, Willow, come out. You can't hide in there all night. Willow: O-okay, but, but promise you won't laugh? Buffy: I promise. Willow opens the door and comes out wearing boots, a short, black leather skirt and a g*n, long-sleeved, V-necked, midriff-baring top. She's uncomfortable, and quickly steps over to her ghost sheet and picks it up. Buffy: (smiles) Wow! You're a dish! Willow tries to hide herself with the sheet, but Buffy takes it from her and tosses it aside. Buffy: I mean, really. Willow is very uncomfortable and tries to cover herself with her arms. Willow: But this just isn't me. Buffy: And that's the point. (walks around Willow to show her the mirror) Look, Halloween is the night that not you *is* you, but not *you*. Y'know? The doorbell rings. Buffy: Oh! That's Xander. Are you ready? Willow: (nervous) Yeah. O-o-okay. Buffy: Cool! I can't wait for the boys to go non-verbal when they see you! (goes to get the door) Willow is still trying to cover herself. Cut downstairs. Buffy comes down the stairs and opens the door for Xander. He enters saluting with his toy r*fle in his hand. Xander: Private Harris reporting for... (sees Buffy in her costume) Buffy! Lady of Buffdom, Duchess of Buffonia, I am in awe! I completely renounce spandex! Buffy: (curtsies) Thank you, kind sir. (Xander bows) But wait till you see... They turn to look up the stairs at Willow. She has put on the ghost sheet. It says 'BOO!' on the front in large bold letters. Willow: Hi. Buffy: ...Casper. Xander: Hey, Will! That's aaa fine boo you got there. Buffy is disappointed. Xander just stares. Cut to the school. Children are arriving in costume to be taken trick- or-treating. Cut inside to the hall by the stairs. Buffy is standing there holding a clipboard, waiting for her charges. Snyder brings them to her. Snyder: This is your group, Summers. No need to speak to them. The last thing they need is your influence. Just bring them back in one piece and I won't expel you. (starts to leave) Buffy: (bends down to the kids) Hi. Snyder: Ah, ah! Buffy straightens back up and rolls her eyes. Cut to Xander in his soldier outfit. Larry comes by dressed as a pirate. Larry: Where's your bodyguard, Harris? Curling her hair? He jumps at Xander, making him flinch. He laughs in Xander's face and goes. Xander points his r*fle at him, but then dismisses him. Cut to Oz checking his guitar at his locker. Cordelia comes into the hall wearing a tight-fitting catsuit and walks up to him. Cordelia: Oz. Oz. Oz: (looks up at her) Hey, Cordelia. Jeez, you're like a great big cat. Cordelia: It's my costume. Are you guys playing tonight? Oz: Yeah, at the Shelter Club. Cordelia: Is Mr. I'm-the-lead-singer-I'm-so-great-I-don't-have-to-show- up-for-my-date-or-even-call gonna be there? Oz: Yeah, y'know, he's just going by 'Devon' now. Cordelia: Well, you can tell him that I don't care, and that I didn't even mention it. And that I didn't even see you. So that's just fine. Oz: So, what do I tell him? Cordelia: Nothing! Jeez! Get with the program. (walks off in a huff) Oz: (sarcastically) Why can't I meet a nice girl like that? Willow comes down the hall in her ghost sheet. Oz turns around and bumps right into her. Oz: Oh! I'm sorry. Willow: Sorry. Oz: I'm sorry. Willow: Sorry. Oz: Sorry. Oz and Willow continue down the hall on their separate ways. Cut to Xander briefing his group. He's got them all lined up and standing at attention. Xander: Okay, on sleazing extra candy: tears are key. Tears will normally get you the double-bagger. You can also try the old 'you missed me' routine, but it's risky. Only go there for chocolate. Understood? They all nod their heads. Xander: Okay, troops. He turns and faces down the hall. The kids follow his lead. Xander: Let's move out. Cut to the streets. A student dressed as a vampire is escorting a group of kids. They walk by Buffy's group coming back from a house. Buffy crouches down to see what they got. Buffy: What did Mrs. Davis give you? They all pull out toothbrushes. Buffy: She must be stopped. Let's h*t one more house. (gets up) We still have a few more minutes before I need to get you back. Cut to the back room at Ethan's. He weaves a spell in Latin. Ethan: Janus, evoco vestram animam. Exaudi meam causam. Carpe noctem pro consilio vestro. Veni, appare et nobis monstra quod est infinita potestas. Translation: Janus, I invoke your spirit. Hear my plea. Seize the night for your own reason. Come, appear and show to us that which is infinite power. Cut to a house. Willow follows her charges along the porch to the door. Willow: C'mon, guys. One of the kids wearing a green monster mask on his head rings the bell and steps back. An old lady answers the door. The kid with the mask pulls it down over his face. Kids: Trick-or-treat! Lady: Oh, my goodness, aren't you adorable! Cut to Ethan's. Ethan: Persona se corpum et sanguium commutandum est. Vestra sancta praesentia concrescet viscera. Janus! Sume noctem! Translation: The mask transforms itself into flesh and blood. Your holy presence curdles the heart. Janus! Take the night! Cut to Buffy. A wind begins to blow. She senses something isn't quite right. Cut to the Lady with Willow's kids. She looks into her empty candy bucket. Lady: Oh, dear! Am I all out? Cut to Ethan's. He raises his head. Ethan: Showtime! Cut to the Lady's house. Lady: I could've sworn I had more candy. The kid wearing a red rubber cap with horns morphs into a horned, red skinned monster. Lady: I'm sorry, mister monster. (bends down) Maybe I... The kid with the green mask has changed into a monster also, and grabs the lady by the neck and begins to choke her. The other kids scream and run away. Willow: No! Let her go! The red monster att*cks the green one, and he lets go of the lady. The two monsters are at each other's throats. Willow: Stop! What're you doing?! The lady runs into the house and slams the door shut. Willow: Stop! Hey! The two monsters keep fighting. Willow suddenly starts to feel weak. Cut to the street. Xander is standing there watching all the parents and children running around him. Things are being thrown and windows are being broken. Cut to Willow. She staggers a bit as the two monsters keep fighting. Willow: Ohmigod! Can't breathe... She collapses to the floor. Cut to Xander. He jerks back like he's just been h*t by something. He bends over slightly, looks down and lowers his toy r*fle. Slowly he straightens back up and surveys the scene around him. He raises his r*fle again and cradles the fully a*t*matic M-16 in his hands. He shoulders the w*apon and spins around, scanning for a target. When he doesn't immediately find one, he takes the r*fle from his shoulder and holds it ready. Cut to Willow on the porch. She gets up out of her body and looks down at it. She's only wearing her sexy outfit now without the sheet. Willow: Ohmigod! I'm a real ghost! She hears a*t*matic r*fle f*re and turns to look. Willow: Xander? She runs out into the street and comes up behind him. Willow: Xander! He spins around and points his M-16 at her. Willow: It's me, Willow! Xander: I don't know any Willow. Willow: Xander, quite messing around. This is no time for jokes. Xander: What the hell's going on here? Willow: You don't know me? Xander: (lifts the r*fle away from her) Lady, I suggest you find cover. (starts walking past her) Willow: (gets in front of him) No, wait! Xander walks right through her. They're both surprised by the experience. Willow: Oh! Xander turns around and points his w*apon at her again. She turns to face him. Xander: What are you? Willow: Xander, listen to me. I'm on your side, I swear! Something crazy is happening. I was dressed as a ghost for Halloween, a-and now I am a ghost. And you were supposed to be a soldier, and now I, I-I guess you're a real soldier. Xander: You expect me to believe that? A monster appears across the street, growling. Xander points his r*fle at it. It runs away. Willow jumps in front of him. Willow: No! No g*n! That's still a little kid in there! Xander: Step out of the way! Willow: No g*n! That's an order! He lowers the r*fle. Willow: We just need to find... (sees her) Buffy! She runs across the street over to Buffy. Xander follows. Willow: Buffy! Are you okay? The monster is back with a friend, and they both roar as they approach. Xander shoulders his M-16 again and takes aim. Xander: This could be a situation. Willow: Buffy, what do we do? Buffy faints and falls to the ground. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The street. Xander fires off a couple dozen rounds at the approaching monsters. They turn and run. Xander lowers his r*fle. The camera pans down from him to Willow kneeling beside Buffy, who's lying against a tree. Willow: Buffy, are you alright? Buffy: What? Xander: Are you hurt? Willow: Buffy, are you hurt? Buffy: (sits up) Buffy? Willow: (to Xander) She's not Buffy. Xander: Who's Buffy? Willow: Oh, this is fun. (to Buffy) What year is this? Xander takes Buffy's hand and helps her up. Buffy: 1775, I believe. (confused and hyperventilating) I-I don't understand. Who are you? Willow: We're friends. Buffy: F-friends of whom? Y-your dress... Everything is strange! How did I come to be here? Willow: Breathe, okay, breathe. You're gonna faint again. (to Xander) How are we supposed to get through this without the Slayer? Xander: What's a Slayer? A monster comes around the tree behind Buffy and roars, fangs bared and claws raised to att*ck. Buffy screams and backs off. Xander jumps in and whacks the monster across the face with the butt of his r*fle, knocking it down and out. Xander: I suggest we get inside before we come across anything... Buffy: (screaming) A DEMON! A DEMON! (gets behind Xander) A DEMON! A sport utility vehicle comes driving down the street with its headlights on. Willow: That's not a demon. It's a car. Buffy: What does it want? Xander: Is this woman insane? Willow: She's never seen a car. Xander: She's never seen a car? Willow: She's from the past. Xander: And you're a ghost. Willow: Yes! Now let's get inside. Xander: I just want you to know that I'm taking a lot on faith here. Where do we go? Willow: (thinks) Where's the closest... We can go to a friend's. Cut to the Summers house. Cut to the kitchen. Xander opens the door and scans the room. Xander: All clear! Willow: (walks in) Hello? Mrs. Summers? (no response) Good, she's gone. Xander closes the door. Buffy: Where are we? Willow: Your place. Now we just need to... There's a banging at the front door. Xander goes to investigate, and Willow and Buffy follow. Willow: Don't open it! Xander: Could be a civilian. Willow: Or a mini demon. Buffy notices a picture on a table and goes over to look. She picks it up, and sees it's of her wearing a spaghetti strap top. She turns around as Willow comes over to her. Buffy: This... this could be me. Willow: It *is* you. Buffy, can't you remember at all? Buffy: No! I, I don't understand any of this! Uh, uh, th... This is some other girl! (puts the picture back) I would never wear this, that low apparel, and I don't like this place, and I don't like you, and I just wanna go home! Willow: You *are* home! Buffy is practically in tears. Willow turns back to Xander. Willow: She couldn't've dressed up like Xena? Xander scans the outside through one of the small windows in the door. He moves away just as a monster punches through the glass and reaches for him. It pulls its hand back as Xander raises his M-16. Willow: Not a civilian! Xander: Affirmative! (takes aims through the broken portal) Willow: Hey! What did we say?! Xander lets loose a volley of b*ll*ts. Willow winces at the noise. Buffy bows her head and covers her ears. Xander rolls away from the door when he's finished his burst. Xander: Big noise scare monster, remember? Willow: Got it. They hear a woman screaming outside. Xander looks out again. Xander: Damn it! He opens the door and goes out to rescue whomever it is, pulling the door closed behind him. Buffy runs up to Willow. Buffy: Surely he'll not desert us! Willow: (shakes her head) Whatever. She rolls her eyes and heads into the living room. Buffy is wide-eyed with fear. Cut outside. Cordelia screams as she runs from a sasquatch. Cordelia: Somebody help me! She looks back at the monster chasing her and screams. When she turns back around again she runs into Xander. Cordelia: Xander! Help me! Xander: Come inside! He takes her by her elbow and leads her to the house. Cut inside. Willow watches through the window. Xander and Cordelia quickly come in through the door. Willow: Cordelia! Cordelia: Wait a... What's going on? Willow: Okay, your name is Cordelia, you're not a cat, you're in high school, and we're your friends. Well, sort of. Cordelia: That's nice, Willow. And you went mental when? Willow: You know us? Cordelia: Yeah. Lucky me. What's with the name game? Willow: A lot's going on. Cordelia: No kidding. I was just att*cked by Jo-Jo, the Dog-Faced Boy. Look at my costume! (shows the torn sleeve) Do you really think that Partytown's gonna give me my deposit back? Not on the likely. Xander has taken his shirt off and puts it around her shoulders. Xander: Here. Cordelia: Thanks. Willow: Okay. You guys stay here while I get some help. If something tries to get in, just fight it off. Buffy: Well, i-it's not our place to fight. Uh, surely some men will protect us. Cordelia: What's that riff? Willow: I-it's like amnesia, okay? They don't know who they are. Just sit tight. (starts to go) Cordelia: Who died and made her the boss? Willow walks through the wall behind Cordelia. Buffy stares in wide-eyed amazement. Cut outside. Several monsters are chasing people down the street past Spike. Spike: Well! This is just... neat! Cut inside. Xander brings a chair over from the dining room. Xander: (to Cordelia) You! Check upstairs. Make sure everything's locked up. He positions the chair to help hold the table they've upended against the window in place. Cordelia heads upstairs. Buffy: Surely there's somewhere we can go. A safe haven. Xander: Lady said stay put. Buffy: You would take orders from a woman? A-are you feeble in some way? Xander: Ma'am, in the Army we have a saying: sit down and shut the... He sees a picture on the floor Xander: Whoa! He picks it up. It's of the three of them. Xander: She must be right. We must have some kind of amnesia. Buffy: I don't know what that is, but I'm certain I don't have it. I bathe quite often! Xander: How do you explain this? Buffy: I don't! I was brought up a proper lady. I-I wasn't meant to understand things. I'm just meant to look pretty, and then someone nice will marry me. Possibly a Baron. Xander: This ain't no tea party, princess. Sooner or later you're gonna have to fight! Buffy: Fight these low creatures? (snotty) I'd sooner die. (crosses her arms) Xander: Then you'll die. Angel comes in from the kitchen. Angel: Oh, good! You guys are alright. It's total chaos out there. They both look at him. Buffy and Xander: Who are you? Cut to the library. Giles is going through a stack of cards he's pulled from the card catalog. He hears yelling and sirens outside and looks up, wondering what's going on. He sees Willow come though the wall and jumps in complete surprise, letting the cards fly all over the place. Giles: Jeez! Willow: Hi. Giles: (calms down a bit) Uh... ah... (speechless) huh... Cut to Buffy's house. Angel: Okay, somebody wanna fill me in? Xander: Do you live here? Angel: No, and you know that. Buffy, (she jumps) I'm lost here. You... What's up with your hair? Cordelia: (comes back in) They don't know who they are, everyone's turned into a monster, it's a whole big thing. (smiles) How are you? The lights go out. Buffy grabs Cordelia in fright. Cordelia: Do you mind? Buffy lets go of her. Xander: (to Angel) You take the princess and secure the kitchen. Catwoman, you're with me. Cordelia follows Xander as Angel heads for the kitchen. Buffy: But I don't wanna go with you! I-I like the man with the musket! Angel: (takes her arm) C'mon. Buffy: Do you have a musket? They go into the kitchen. Angel sees that the door is open. Angel: I didn't leave that open. He quietly moves toward the door as he looks around for an intruder. He closes the door. The basement door behind Buffy opens, and a vampire att*cks her. She tries to push the door closed on him. Angel grabs the vampire and wrestles him to the floor. It's the student escort in a vampire costume. Angel: A stake! Buffy: A what? Angel: Get me a stake! Buffy looks around and grabs a Kn*fe she sees on the counter. Angel: Hurry up! He turns to look what's keeping her and has his game face on. Buffy screams at the top of her lungs. She runs for the door. Angel: Buffy, no! She opens the door and runs out. Cut to the library. Giles is in the cage getting a stack of old papers. He blows the dust off of them and comes back out. Willow is looking at a book. Willow: I don't even know what I'm looking for. Plus I can't turn the page. Giles: Well, alright, l-let's, let's, let's review. (sets the papers on the table) Um, so everybody became, uh, whatever they were masquerading as. Willow: Right. Xander was a soldier and Buffy was an 18th-century girl. Giles: (confused) A-and, uh, your, your costume? Willow: I'm a ghost! Giles: Yes. Um... w, uh, uh, uh, the ghost of what, exactly? Willow: (covers her midriff with her arms) Well, this is nothing. You should see what Cordelia was wearing. A-a, a unitard with cat things, like ears and stuff. Giles: Good heavens. Uh, sh-sh-she became an actual feline? Willow: No! She was the same old Cordelia. Just in a cat costume. Giles: She didn't change. Willow: No. Hold on... Partytown. She told us she got her outfit from Partytown. Giles: A-a-and everyone who changed, they, they, they, they acquired their costumes where? Willow: We all got ours at a new place. Ethan's. Cut to an alley. Buffy runs between all the trash that's piled up there. Cut to the street. Cordelia, Angel and Xander are looking for Buffy. Xander has his r*fle raised and ready. The camera follows them as they walk. Xander: Are you sure she came this way? Angel: No. Cordelia: She'll be okay. Angel: *Buffy* would be okay. Whoever she is now, she's helpless. C'mon! The camera moves behind a tree where Spike is hiding and overhearing their conversation. He turns to the child monsters Willow was chaperoning. Spike: Do you hear that, my friends? The monsters nod and growl. Spike: Somewhere out here is the (cut to Buffy running down the alley) *tenderest* meat you've *ever* tasted, and all *we* have to do is find her first! Buffy has stopped running and leans against a crate. She sniffs and looks around, frightened. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The alley. Buffy looks around, trying to decide what to do. She lifts her skirt a bit and starts to walk. She turns around to look behind her and takes a few steps backward. When she turns back around Larry, who has turned into a pirate, startles her. He smiles widely at her, showing his rotten teeth. Larry: Pretty, pretty! Buffy tries to run away, and Larry gives chase. Cut to Ethan's Costume Shop. Giles looks around as he and Willow come in. Giles: Hello! Anyone home? Willow sees the curtain to the back room partially open. Willow: Giles... They slowly go in and see the statue of Janus there. Its eyes glow green. Giles: Janus. Roman mythical god. Willow: What does this mean? Giles: Primarily the division of self. Male and female, light and dark. Ethan: (appears) Chunky and creamy. Oh, no, sorry, that's peanut butter. Giles stares at Ethan as though he's seen a ghost. Giles: Willow, get out of here, now. Willow: But... Giles: Now! She obeys him and goes. Giles: Hello, Ethan. Ethan: Hello, Ripper. Cut to the alley. Buffy backs away from Larry. She turns to run, but trips and falls. Her gown billows out around her. Larry grabs her as she tries to get up and shoves her against a crate. He pushes her hair away from her frightened face and moves in to kiss her. Xander comes running and tackles Larry down to the pavement. He gets up and pulls Larry up and into a metal warehouse door. He punches him in the face and gut. Larry pushes him off and into the opposite alley wall and punches him back in the gut. Xander grabs Larry's arm and pulls it behind his back, forcing him to bend over, and knees him in the stomach. Cordelia arrives behind Buffy with Angel. Cordelia: Buffy! Are you okay? Buffy sees Angel, yelps and cowers behind a box. Cordelia: What's your deal? Take a pill! Larry att*cks Xander with his pirate's sword. Xander sidesteps him, grabs him by the wrist and twists his arm around, making him drop the sword. He lifts Larry back up and punches him, sending him sprawling into a pile of trash. Buffy: He's, he's a vampire! Cordelia: (to Angel) She's got this thing where she thinks... (exasperated) Uhhh, forget it. (to Buffy) It's okay. Angel is a good vampire. He would never hurt you. Buffy: (slowly stands up) Really? Cordelia: Absolutely. He's our friend. Angel heads over to Xander fighting Larry. Xander punches Larry, sending him into the pile of trash and a stack of boxes again. Several boxes fall off of the top and onto Larry. He is knocked out cold. Xander: (to Angel) It's strange, but beating up that pirate gave me a weird sense of closure. Willow comes running down the alley from the other end. Willow: Guys! Angel: Willow! Willow: Guys, you gotta get inside. She looks back and they see Spike and his monster g*ng coming. Xander: We need a triage! Angel: (points the other way) This way! Find an open warehouse. Xander turns and picks up his r*fle. Xander: Ladies, we're on the move! He quickly heads down the alley. Cordelia and Willow follow him. Angel lifts Buffy and carries her away. Spike and the monsters walk after them at a quick, deliberate pace. Cut to Ethan's. Ethan: What? No hug? Aren't you pleased to see your old mate, Rupert? Giles: I'm just surprised I didn't guess it was you. This Halloween stunt stinks of Ethan Rayne. Ethan: Yes, it does, doesn't it? Don't wish to blow my own trumpet, but it's genius. The very embodiment of 'be careful what you wish for'. Giles: It's sick, brutal, and it harms the innocent. Ethan: Oh, and we all know that you are the champion of innocents and all things pure and good, Rupert. It's quite a little act you've got going here, old man. Giles: It's no act. It's who I am. Ethan: Who you are? The Watcher, sniveling, tweed-clad guardian of the Slayer and her kin? I think not. I know who you are, Rupert, and I know what you're capable of. (considers) But they don't, do they? They have no idea where you come from. Giles: Break the spell, Ethan. Then leave this place and never come back. Ethan: Why should I? What's in the bargain for me? Giles: You get to live. Ethan: Oh, Rupert, you're scaring me. Giles punches him in the gut with a left, making him double over, and follows up with a right to the face. Cut to the alley. Angel has gotten ahead of the others and finds an open warehouse. Angel: Over here! Xander pushes the door aside, and they all hurry in. Xander: Check if there are any other ways in! He slides the door closed again as Angel sets Buffy back down on her feet next to Cordelia. Angel: Just stay here.

{"type": "series", "show": "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "episode": "02x06 - Halloween"}

foreverdreaming

~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~ In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. Sunnydale Park after dusk. The playground is deserted. The carousel slowly turns, and the swings move in the light evening breeze. The only person there is a boy sitting on the jungle gym, waiting for his ride home. James: C'mon, Mom. She's always late. The camera pans around him until Drusilla can be seen slowly walking toward him from behind. Drusilla: Are you lost? James: (looks back at her) No. My mom's just supposed to pick me up is all. (climbs out of the gym) Drusilla: Do you want me to walk you home? James: No, thank you. Drusilla: (touches the gym) My mummy used to sing me to sleep at night. (slowly walks around the gym as she sings) Run and catch / The lamb is caught in the blackberry patch... She had the sweetest voice. What will your mummy sing when they find your body? James: (looks at her nervously) I'm not supposed to talk to people. Drusilla: Oh. Well, I'm not a person, see, so that's just... Angel suddenly steps between her and the boy. Angel: (to the boy, sternly) Run home. The boy only hesitates for a moment before running off. Drusilla watches him run away in dismay. Angel takes a breath and turns around to face her. Drusilla: My Angel! Angel: Hello, Drusilla. Drusilla: (slowly approaches) Do you remember the song mummy used to sing me? Pretty. Angel: I remember. Drusilla: (senses) Yes, you do. Angel: Drusilla, leave here. I'm offering you that chance. Take Spike and get out. Drusilla: Or you'll hurt me? Angel looks down at the ground. Drusilla: (senses) No. No, you can't. Not anymore. Angel: If you don't leave it'll go badly. For all of us. Drusilla: My dear boy's gone all away, hasn't he? To her. Cut to the roof of the building across the street from the park. Angel: Who? Buffy walks along the roof keeping watch. Drusilla: The girl. The Slayer. Buffy senses something and heads for the edge of the roof. Cut to the park. Drusilla: Your heart stinks of her. (puts her hand on his chest) Poor little thing. (cut to Buffy) She has no idea what's in store. Buffy looks over the edge and sees them standing close together. She can overhear. Angel: This can't go on, Drusilla. It's gotta end. She tilts her head and reaches up for a kiss. Drusilla: Oh, no, my pet. This is just the beginning. She pulls away without kissing and gives him an evil smile. She keeps her head turned to him as she slowly walks away. Buffy swallows at what she sees. Angel watches Drusilla go for another moment, then turns to leave also. Buffy steps away from the edge of the roof and runs off. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ Sunnydale High School the next morning. Jenny: It's a secret! Cut inside. Jenny and Giles come down the stairs. Giles: What kind of a secret? Jenny: Uh, the kind that's secret. You know, where I don't actually tell you what it is. Giles: I think it's customary that when two people are going out on an evening that they, they both have an idea of where they're going. Jenny: Oh, come on! Where is your sense of adventure? Giles: Well, I, I... Uh, how will I know what to wear? Jenny: (looks at his tweed suit) Do you own anything else? Giles: Uh, w-well, not as such, no, um... Jenny: (laughs) Rupert, you're gonna have to trust me. Giles: Alright, alright, I p-put myself in your hands. Jenny: That sounds like fun. (starts on her way) Okay, tomorrow night, 7:30, right? Giles: Yes. Buffy comes up to him as Jenny leaves. Buffy: Hey. Giles: Hello. (they start to the library) Um, did we hunt last night? Buffy: I did a couple quick sweeps downtown. Giles: Any encounters? Buffy: Nothing vampirey. Giles: Uh, I've been researching your friend Spike. Uh, the profile is fairly unappetizing. But I-I still haven't got a bead on why he's here. Buffy: You'll figure it out. Giles: You alright? You seem a little glum. Buffy: I'm fine. They stop outside the library. Giles: Why don't you take the night off? Buffy: Okay. That'd be nice. Giles: Yes. You could spend some time with Angel. Buffy: I don't know. He might have other plans. She walks off to class. Giles wonders what that was all about. Cut to class. Buffy opens a note from Willow. Note: Do you know who she was? Boy: Well, it seems like Louis XVI was just sort of a weak king. Buffy and Willow glance at each other. Buffy starts to write an answer to the note. Teacher: That's fair enough. Uh, any other impressions? The camera pans forward to Cordelia sitting in front of Buffy. Xander is across from her in front of Willow, and looks over at Cordelia with his head propped up on his fist. Cordelia: I just don't see why everyone's always picking on Marie Antoinette. I can so relate to her. She worked really hard to look that good, and people just don't appreciate that kind of effort. Buffy has finished her answer to Willow's note. Answer: No Dark hair Old dress pretty Cordelia: And I know the peasants were all depressed... Xander: I think you mean 'oppressed'. Cordelia: Whatever. They were cranky. Buffy folds the note and hands it back to Willow. Cordelia: So they're, like, 'Let's lose some heads'. Uhhh! That's fair. And, and Marie Antoinette cared about them. She was gonna let them have cake! The camera pans over to Willow finishing another note. Teacher: Yes, well, that's a very interesting perspective. Willow hands Buffy the note. Teacher: Um, would anyone else like to comment? Buffy opens the note. Note: Vampire? The bell rings. Cut to the hall. Buffy, Willow and Xander come out of class. Buffy: I don't know. I don't think so. They seemed pretty friendly. Xander: Who's friendly? Buffy: No one. Willow: Angel and a girl. Buffy: Willow, do we have to be in total share mode? Xander: Hey, it's me. If Angel's doing somethin' wrong, I wanna know. 'Cause it gives me a happy! (smiles) They head into the lounge. Buffy: Mm, I'm glad someone has a happy. Xander: Aw, you just need cheering up. And I know just the thing! (does a wild move) Crazed dance party at the Bronze! Buffy: I dunno. (crosses her arms, depressed) Xander: Very calm dance party at the Bronze? (Buffy gives him a glum look) Moping at the Bronze. He sits on a couch next to Willow. Ford walks up the steps behind Buffy. Ford: I'd suggest a box of Oreos dunked in apple juice, but maybe she's over that phase. Buffy uncrosses her arms and turns around. Buffy: Ford? Ford: Hey, Summers! They embrace. Ford: How ya been? Buffy: Oh, my God! What are you doing here? They let go and hold both hands. Ford: Uh, matriculating. Buffy: Huh? Ford: I'm finishing out my senior year at Sunnydale High. Dad got transferred. Buffy: This is great! Ford: I'm glad you think so. Xander is not pleased. Ford: I didn't think you'd remember me. Buffy: Remember you? Duh! We only went to school together for seven years. You were my giant fifth grade crush. Xander: So! You two know each other. Buffy: Oh! (turns to Xander and Willow) I'm sorry. Um, this is Ford! Uh, Billy Fordham, this is Xander and Willow! Buffy and Ford go to sit on the other couch. Xander: Hi. Ford: Hey. Willow: Nice to meet you! Buffy: Uh, Ford and I went to Hemery together in L.A. (to Ford) And now you're here. For real? Ford: Dad got the transfer, and boom, he just dragged me outta Hemery and put me down here. Buffy: This is great! Well, I mean, it's hard, sudden move, all your friends, delicate time, very emotional, but let's talk about me! (puts her hand on his knee) This is great! Willow: (smiles) So, you two were sweeties in fifth grade? Buffy: Not even. Ford wouldn't give me the time of day. Ford: Well, I was a manly sixth-grader. I couldn't bother with someone that young. Buffy: It was terrible. I moped over you for months. Sitting in my room listening to that Divinyls song 'I Touch Myself'. She realizes how what she just said could be taken and casts a nervous look at Xander and Willow. Buffy: Of course, I had no idea what it was about. Ford nervously scratches his temple with his finger. Xander just smiles and nods. Buffy: (to Ford) Hey, are you busy tonight? We're going to the Bronze, it's the local club, and you have to come. Ford: I'd love to! But if you guys already had plans... Would I be imposing? Xander: No, only in the literal sense. Ford: Okay, then! I, I gotta find the admissions office, (gets up) uh, get my papers in order. Buffy: Well, you know what, (gets up) I'll take you there, and I'll see you guys in French! (takes Ford's arm) Ford: It was good to meet you. (they go) Xander smiles at them until they've gone. Next to him Willow has a thoughtful look on her face. Xander: (sarcastically) This is Ford, my bestest friend of all my friends! Jeez, doesn't she know any fat guys? Willow: (realizes) Oh, that's what that song is about?! Cut to the Bronze. Xander, Willow and Ford are playing pool. Ford sinks his sh*t and sets up for another as Buffy arrives at the table. Buffy: Ford! You made it. Ford: Wasn't hard to find. Willow: Buffy, Ford was just telling us about the ninth grade beauty contest, and the, uh, swimsuit competition. Buffy: Oh, my God, Ford, stop that! The more people you tell, the more people I have to k*ll. Ford: You can't touch me, Summers. I know all your darkest secrets. Xander: Care to make a small wager on that? Buffy: I'm gonna go get a drink. Ford, try not to talk. She heads for the bar and finds Angel there. Buffy: Hi. Angel: Hey! I was hoping you'd show. Buffy: (sees he has a drink) You drink! I mean, drinks. Non-blood things. Angel: There's a lot about me you don't know. Buffy: I believe that. Cut to the pool table. They're racking them up. Ford sees Buffy with Angel. Willow: That's Angel. Xander: He's Buffy's beau. (sarcastically) Her special friend. Ford: He's not in school, right? He looks older than her. Xander: You're not wrong. Cut to the bar. Buffy: So. What'd you do last night? Angel: Nothin'. Buffy: Nothing at all. You ceased to exist? Angel: No, I mean I stayed in, read. Buffy: Oh. She goes back to the pool table without another word. Angel stands there confused for a moment, then follows her. Ford: Didn't want that soda after all? Buffy: Not thirsty. Willow: Hey, Angel. Ford: Hi. Buffy: (turns to Angel) This is Ford. We went to school together in L.A. Angel: Nice to meet you. (shakes Ford's hand) Ford: Whoa! Cold hands! Xander: You're not wrong. Buffy gives Xander a look. Angel: So, you're here visiting Buffy? Ford: No, I'm actually here to stay. Just moved down. Willow: Hey, Angel? Do you wanna play? Buffy: Y'know, it's getting really crowded in here tonight. Um... I'm a little hot. (to Ford) You wanna take a walk? Ford: Um, sure! That'd be nice. Buffy: Okay, then, um... (to the others) I'll see ya tomorrow. (leads Ford out past Angel) Angel: Good night. Ford: Take care. Xander: Okay, once more with tension. Angel: He just moved here? Xander: Yeah. And, boy, does he move fast. Willow: Well, Angel, we could still play. She moves the rack into position, and when she looks back up Angel is gone. Willow: See, you made him do that thing where he's gone. Xander dismisses her comment and gets ready to break. Cut outside to the alley. Buffy and Ford stroll slowly along. Ford: So, that was your boyfriend? Buffy: No. Uh, yeah. Maybe. Could we lay off the tough questions for a while? Ford: Sorry. So! What else do you do for fun around here? She hears noises coming from around the corner and suspects a vampire. Buffy: Um, my purse. I-I, I left my purse at the Bronze. Uh, could you get it for me? Ford: Uh, okay. (heads back) Buffy: Good. Run! Thanks! He starts to jog. A second later she starts running in the opposite direction and around the corner. Ford looks back and stops when he sees she's gone. He can hear a woman crying. He starts to walk back. When he's almost there a woman comes running around the corner and past him. He continues on, and is startled by a metal trashcan flying in front of him and into a stack of crates. He can hear punching and grunting. He sees someone h*t the pavement face first. He peeks around the corner and sees a vampire get up and take a swing at Buffy. She ducks the punch and kicks the vampire in the face. The vampire swings again, and Buffy grabs his fist and holds on while she punches him in the face. Ford watches as she pulls out a stake and thrusts it into the vampire's chest. He staggers back into the wall and explodes into ashes. Ford: What's goin' on? Buffy is surprised and spins around to face him. Buffy: Um... uh, there was a, a cat. A cat here, and, um, then there was a-another cat... and they fought. The cats. And... then they left. Ford: Oh. I thought you were just slaying a vampire. Buffy: What? Whating a what? Ford: I know, Buffy. You don't have to lie. I-I've been trying to figure out the right time to, to tell you. I know you're the Slayer. Buffy is taken aback. Cut to later in Willow's room. She's on the phone with Buffy. Willow: Just like that he told you? Buffy: Just like that. (cut to her room) Said he found out right before I got booted from Hemery. Willow: Wow! (cut to her) It's neat! Is it neat? Buffy: (cut to her) Yeah, I guess it is. I don't have to constantly worry that he's gonna find out my dark secret. It just makes everything easier. Cut to an alley. Ford is heading for the Sunset Club. He knocks on a heavy metal door, and the viewport opens. It closes and the door opens to let him in. Cut inside. A welder is cutting the knob off of the inside door. Ford goes down the stairs to the main area. Dark gothic music sets the mood, and everyone is dressed in black and pale makeup. "Never Land", by The Sisters of Mercy, is playing. Lyrics: I had a face on the mirror / I had a hand on the g*n Diego meets him at the base of the stairs. Diego: Ford? Hi, Ford? Ford: Hey! Diego: Well, how'd it go? Ford: It went good. Diego: Good? That's, that's it? That's all we know? Well, when are we... Ford: (interrupts) Soon. Diego: Oh, soon, okay. Y'know, you could gimme a little more information here. I'm trusting you. I'm out on a limb here. Not to mention the lease is almost up on this place. Who's gonna cover that? Ford: Marvin... Diego: Diego! C'mon, man, it's Diego now. Ford: Diego. (takes out a pill) Ritalin. Everything's gonna be fine. He pops the pill as Chantarelle comes over and hands him a drink. Ford: Just make sure you're ready when I say. True believers only. Chantarelle: (smiles) I can't wait! Diego: Right, whatever, I still think I should be in on the plan. Ford: Diego, you gotta trust me. He sees a scene from a Jack Palance vampire movie playing on the TV. TV: Alright. Ford: A couple more days and we'll get to do the two things every American teen should have the chance to do: die young, and stay pretty. He looks spaced out as he mouths the words of Jack Palance in the movie. Jack: So... You play your wits against mine. Me, who commanded armies hundreds of years before you were born. Fools! ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ Willow's room. It's neat and clean and everything is in place just so, except for some clothes on her bed. She's in her nightshirt brushing her hair. There is a knocking on her balcony door, which catches her off guard. She drops her brush on the bed, goes to the door and pushes the blinds apart to see who it is. Willow: Oh! (opens the door) Angel! What are you doing here? Angel: I wanted to talk to you. Willow: (looks around) Oh, well... She gestures for him to come in, but he just stays standing there. Willow: Well? Angel: I can't. Unless you invite me, I can't come in. Willow: Oh! (nervous) Well, okay, I invite you. To come in. She turns around as he comes in, and a look of horror appears on her face when she sees her bra just lying there on her bed out in the open. She quickly rushes over, grabs it and stashes it. Angel: I-if this is a bad time, I... Willow: No! I just... I'm not supposed to have boys in my room. Angel: I promise to behave myself. Willow: (still nervous) Okay. Good. Angel: I guess I need help. Willow: Help? You mean like on homework? No, 'cause you're old and you already know stuff. Angel: I want you to track someone down. On the 'Net. (eyes her laptop) Willow: (smiles) Oh! Great! I'm so the 'Net girl. (goes to sit at her desk) Angel: I just wanna find everything I can. Records, affiliates, I'm not even sure what I'm looking for yet. Willow: (types) Good. What's the name? Angel: Billy Fordham. Willow: Uh, Angel? If I say something you really don't wanna hear, (faces him) do you promise not to bite me? Angel: Are you gonna tell me that I'm jealous? Willow: Well, you do sometimes get that way. Angel: You know, I never used to. (sits on her bed) Things used to be pretty simple. (Willow types) A hundred years, just hanging out, feelin' guilty... I really honed my brooding skills. Then she comes along. (Willow faces him again) Yeah, I get jealous. But I know people. And my gut tells me this is a wrong guy. Willow: (nods) Okay. (turns back to the laptop) But if there isn't anything weird... Hey, that's weird. Angel: What? Willow: I just checked the school records, and he's not in them. (Angel stands up) I mean, usually they transfer your grades and stuff, but he's not even registered. Angel: He said he was in school with you guys, right? Willow: Let me just see if I can... Mrs. Rosenberg: (off camera) Willow? Are you still up? Willow: (gets up) (to Angel) Ack! Go! (to her mom) Iiiiiii'm just going to bed now, mom! Angel goes back out onto the balcony. Willow holds the door. Willow: Come by tomorrow at sunset. I'll keep looking. Angel: Don't tell Buffy what we're doing, alright? Willow: You want me to lie to her? It's Buffy! Angel: Just don't bring it up until we know what's what. Willow: Okay. I-it's probably nothing. Angel: That'd be nice. She closes the door and frets a bit, nervous about what she has to do. Cut to the school the next day. Cut inside to a hall near a drinking fountain. Buffy and Ford come into the hall from outside. Willow wants to get a drink. Buffy: Willow! Willow doesn't even press the button on the fountain before immediately turning around, hoping to get away. She realizes she'd never be able to get away with it, and so turns to face them. She fidgets nervously with her hands. Buffy: What's up? Willow: Nothing. Buffy: Do you wanna hang? We're cafeteria-bound. Willow: (jumpy) I-I-I'm gonna do work in the computer lab on school work that I have, so I cannot hang just now. Hi, Ford. Ford: Morning. Buffy: Okay, Will, fess up. Willow: What? Buffy: Are you drinking coffee again? 'Cause we've talked about this. Willow is surprised and happy that an explanation for her nervousness has presented itself, and laughs out loud. Willow: It makes me jumpy. I have to go. Away. (hurries off) Buffy is taken aback. Ford: Nice girl! Buffy: There aren't two of those in the world. Giles meets them in he hall. Giles: Buffy! Um... Yes, uh... (sets down his briefcase and searches his pockets) Ms. Calendar and I are going... somewhere tonight, and she's given, (finds the slip of paper) oh, given me the number of her beeper thingy, uh, in case you need me for, um... (eyes Ford) study help, uh, suddenly. (picks up his briefcase) Buffy: He knows, Giles. Giles: What? Buffy: Ford (indicates him) knows I'm the Slayer. Ford: I know. Giles: Oh! Uh, very good, yes. Uh, um, Buffy... (leads Buffy aside) (to Ford) Excuse me. (aside to Buffy) You are not, by any chance, betraying your secret identity just to impress, um, cute boys, are you? Buffy: (smiles) I didn't tell him. He knew. Giles: Oh! Uh, right then. Well, uh, just remember, if you... Buffy: Go! Experience this thing called fun. I'll try not to have a crisis. Giles accepts that and heads back to his library. Cut outside the school at night. Buffy and Ford are strolling along. Buffy: And on your right, once again, the beautiful campus. I think you've now seen everything there is to see in Sunnydale. Ford: Well, it's... really... Buffy: Feel free to say dull. Ford: Okay. Dull's good. (sees two vampires running) Or maybe not so dull. (Buffy sees them, too) Is that more vampires? Buffy: Must be the weather. She pulls out a stake and a cross, and hands the cross to Ford. He takes it and reaches into his back pocket to pull out a stake of his own. He smiles and waves it about. Buffy: Stay close to me. She hops up the steps the vampires just ran up and cautiously looks around. Ford is close behind, cross and stake held ready. She looks around a corner and sees nothing. Ford: Maybe they were just passing through. Buffy: (turns around) I don't think so. A blonde female vampire grabs her from behind and tries to bite. Ford takes a startled step back. Buffy does a high kick into her face, then grabs her by the arm and flips her over onto her back. A male vampire rushes her and grabs her, pulling her over a railing with him. She lands in a crouch on the grass below and gets up while the vampire rolls to his feet. She kicks him in the jaw, making him fall backward. Ford looks down at his stake and cross and then glances at the fight a moment before quickly approaching the other vampire and holding the cross in her face and the stake up and ready. She hisses at him. Ford: You've got one chance to live. Tell me what I wanna know, and I'll let you go. Below Buffy knocks the vampire out with a punch to the face and stakes him. She runs back up the stairs to Ford, who's crouched where the vampire was. Buffy: Where's the other one? Ford: I k*lled her. (coughs) I, I k*lled her and she just turned to dust. It was... amazing! Buffy raises her eyebrows in surprise. Cut to Xander, Willow and Angel walking down the alley to the Sunset Club. Willow: The only thing I could track down was this address. The Sunset Club. Still didn't find anything incriminating. Angel: He leaves no paper trail, no records, that's incriminating enough. Xander: Yeah, I'm gonna have to go with d*ad Boy on this one. Angel: Could you *not* call me that? He knocks on the door. The viewport opens and the doorman looks out. Angel: We're friends of Ford's. The doorman nods. Cut inside. They walk in through the inside door and look around. It's gloomy in the extreme. Willow: (wearing a colorfully striped shirt) Boy, we blend right in. Xander: In no way do we stick out like sore thumbs. Angel: Let's look around. You guys check out downstairs. Xander: Sure thing, Bossy the cow! (they start down) Willow: Okay, but do they really stick out? Xander: What? Willow: Sore thumbs. Do they stick out? I mean, have you ever seen a thumb and gone, 'Wow! That baby is sore!' Xander: You have too many thoughts. Willow is a bit hurt by that. Angel looks down from the balcony and continues around. "Reptile", by Creaming Jesus, is playing. Lyrics: The one hungry life / My life with the other Willow and Xander walk by a man standing in a coffin dressed as a movie vampire. Man: (waves) Hi! Xander waves back and looks around more. Xander: Are you probably noticing a theme here? Willow: As in 'Vampires! Yay!'? Xander: That's the one. Chantarelle gets up and comes up behind them. Chantarelle: You guys are newbies. I can tell. Willow: (turns to face her) Oh, no. We come here all the time. Chantarelle: Don't be ashamed! It's cool that you're open to it. We welcome anyone who's interested in the Lonely Ones. Angel comes down the stairs behind them. Willow: The Lonely Ones? Angel: Vampires. Xander: Oh! We usually call them the nasty, pointy, bitey ones. Chantarelle: So many people have that misconception. But they who walk with the night are not interested in harming anyone. They are creatures above us. Exalted! Angel: You're a fool. Xander gives him a look. Chantarelle: You don't have to be so confrontational about it. Other viewpoints than yours may be valid, you know. (goes away) Willow: Nice meeting you. They turn to Angel. Xander: You really are a people person. Willow: Now nobody's gonna talk to us. Angel: I've seen enough. I've seen this type before. I mean, they're children making up bedtime stories of friendly vampires to comfort themselves in the dark. Willow: Is that so bad? I mean, the dark can get pretty dark. Sometimes you need a story. Angel: These people don't know anything about vampires. What they are, how they live, how they dress... A young man dressed exactly like Angel comes down the stairs behind him and looks him up and down before continuing on. Angel clears his throat. They start up the stairs to get out of the club. Xander: You know, I love a good diatribe. But I'm still curious why Ford, the bestest friend of the Slayer, is hanging with a bunch of vampire wannabes. Willow: Something's up with him, you're right about that. Diego overheard them and watches them go. The girl talking to him is confused about his reaction. Girl: Are you okay? Cut to the library. Buffy comes in followed by Jenny and Giles. Buffy: Sorry to beep you guys in the middle of... stuff, but it seemed really weird. Giles: No, you did the right thing. Absolutely. Jenny: (stops in her tracks) You hated it that much? Giles: No! But, but, uh, vampires on campus is, could have implications. Very, very grave... Jenny: You coulda just said something. Giles: Uh, honestly, I, I've always, I've always been interested in, in, uh, monster trucks. Buffy: You took him to monster trucks? Jenny: I thought it would be a change! Giles: It was a change. Jenny: Look, we could've just left. Giles: Wha-what, and miss the nitro-burning funny cars? No, couldn't have that. Buffy: Okay, can we get back on the vampire tip here? These guys were here with a purpose. Giles: Yes, yes, and, uh, we must, uh, ascertain what that purpose is. Jenny: Where's your friend? Buffy: I sent him home. Giles: (sits at the table) Oh, uh, good. Yes, the less he's involved in all this, the safer he'll be. Buffy: He did bag a vamp his first time out. Giles takes an open book from on top of another and exposes an old picture of Drusilla. Buffy: Gotta give him credit for... (notices the picture) that. Jenny: Something wrong? Buffy: (picks up the picture) Who's this? Giles: Um, she's called Drusilla, a sometime paramour of Spike's. She was k*lled by an angry mob in Prague. Buffy: Well, they don't make angry mobs like they used to, 'cause this girl's alive. I saw her with Angel. Giles: (taken aback) With Angel? Jenny: Isn't he supposed to be a good guy? Buffy: (puts the picture back down) Yeah. He is. Jenny: I think maybe we need to read up on this nice lady. Giles: (gets up and heads for his office) Well, some of my new volumes may be more helpful. Uh, my own research is... The blonde vampire runs into him as she runs from his office. Jenny draws a startled breath. Buffy comes to Giles' aid, but is knocked to the floor underneath him when the vampire gives him a hard shove. She jumps up onto the table and leaps over the mezzanine railing, making her escape through the stacks. Jenny helps Giles and Buffy up. Jenny: Are you guys okay? Giles: A book! It took one of my books! Jenny: Well, at least someone in this school is reading. Buffy: He said he k*lled it. That's the vampire Ford said he k*lled. Cut to Spike's warehouse. Drusilla is talking to her bird as the camera pans around the cage. Drusilla: You sing the sweetest little song. Won't you sing for me, hmm? Don't you love me anymore? The bird is lying d*ad at the bottom of the cage. Spike comes into the room behind Drusilla. Spike: Darling! I heard a funny thing just now. Lucius tells me that you went out on a hunt the other night. Drusilla: My tummy was growly. And you were out. (to the bird) Come on. (whistles) I'll pout if you don't sing. Spike: (puts his arms around her) You, um, meet anyone? Anyone interesting? Like Angel? Drusilla: Angel. Spike: Yeah. So... (kisses her forehead) What might you guys have talked about, then? Old times? Childhood pranks? It's a little off, you two so friendly, him being the enemy and all that. Drusilla: (to the bird) I'll give you a seed if you sing. Spike: The bird's d*ad, Dru. You left it in a cage, and you didn't feed it, and now it's all d*ad, just like the last one. Drusilla cowers and whines. Spike: Oh, I'm sorry baby. I'm a bad, rude man. I just don't like you goin' out, that's all. You are weak. (takes her hand) Would you like a new bird? One that's not d*ad? (sucks on her finger) Ford: This is so cool! Spike looks up to see him standing among some crates. Ford: I would totally live here. Spike: (loudly) Do I have anyone on watch here? It's called security, people. Are you all asleep? (walks toward Ford) Or did we finally find a restaurant that delivers? Ford: I know who you are. Spike: Yeah, I know who I am, too. So what? Ford: I came looking for you, Spike. You are Spike, right? William the Bloody? Spike: You've got a real death wish. It's almost interesting. The blonde vampire comes in, walks up to Spike and hands him the book she stole. Spike begins to leaf through it. Spike: Oh, this is great. This'll be very useful. (to Ford) So, how did you find me? Ford: That doesn't matter. I've got something to offer you. I-I'm pretty sure this is the part where you take out a watch and say I've got thirty seconds to convince you not to k*ll me? (smiles) It's traditional. Spike: Well, (slams the book and strides to Ford) I don't go much for tradition. He grabs Ford by the ear and lifts him. Drusilla: Wait, love. Ford is in obvious pain, but doesn't scream. Drusilla puts her hand on Spikes's shoulder, and he lets go. Spike: Well? Ford: Oh, c'mon! Say it! It's no fun if you don't say it. Spike: What? Oh. (rolls his eyes and bobs his head) You've got thirty seconds to convince me not to k*ll you. Ford: Yes! See, this is the best! I wanna be like you. A vampire. Spike: I've known you for two minutes, and I can't stand you. I don't really feature you livin' forever. (to Drusilla) Can I eat him now, love? Drusilla shakes her head. Ford: Well, feature this: I'm offering you a trade. (Spike turns back) You make me a vampire, and I give you the Slayer. Ford has their undivided attention. Spike smiles. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The kitchen at the Summers house. Buffy is nursing a cup of coffee. Angel slowly pushes the door open. Angel: Buffy. May I come in? Buffy: (looks up) Sure. I thought once you were invited you could always just walk in. Angel: I can. I was just being polite. (closes the door) We need to talk. Buffy: Do we? (picks up her coffee and heads into the dining room) Angel: It's about your friend Ford. He's not what he seems. Buffy: Who is these days? Angel: Willow ran him down on the computer. Buffy: Willow? Angel: We found this address, we checked it out with Xander, and it turned out... Buffy: (disbelieving) And Xander? Wow. Everybody's in. It's like a great big exciting conspiracy. Angel: What are you talking about? Buffy: I'm talking about the people I trust. Who's Drusilla? Angel lowers his eyes, seeing he's been caught in a lie. Buffy: And don't lie to me. I'm tired of it. Angel: Some lies are necessary. Buffy: For what? Angel: Sometimes the truth is worse. You live long enough, you find that out. Buffy: I can take it. I can take the truth. Angel: Do you love me? Buffy: What? Angel: Do you? She takes a moment to consider her answer. Buffy: I love you. I don't know if I trust you. Angel: Maybe you shouldn't do either. (turns away) Buffy: Maybe I'm the one who should decide! Angel: I did a lot of unconscionable things when I became a vampire. (turns back, but doesn't make eye contact) Drusilla was the worst. She was... an obsession of mine. She was pure and sweet and chaste... Buffy: And you made her a vampire. Angel: First I made her insane. (looks at her) k*lled everybody she loved. Visited every mental t*rture on her I could devise. (Buffy looks away) She eventually fled to a convent, and on the day she took her holy orders, I turned her into a demon. Buffy: Well. I asked for the truth. Angel: Ford's part of some society that reveres vampires. Practically worships them. I don't know what he wants from you, but you can't trust him. Fade to black. Cut to school the next day. Buffy walks up some stairs to the quad. Ford meets her there. The camera circles them as they talk. Ford: Buffy! Buffy: Ford. Ford: I had a great time last night. Well, an interesting time. Buffy: (arms crossed) I'm glad. Ford: Do you wanna go out again tonight? Buffy: Not busy. Ford: I sort of had an idea. It's a... It's a secret. Kinda wanna surprise you. Buffy: I like surprises. Ford: Can you meet me here? Buffy: Sure. Ford: At nine? Buffy: At nine. Ford: (smiles) It's gonna be fun! (walks off) Buffy just stands there for a moment before uncrossing her arms and continuing on her way. Cut to later at the stairs in the hall. Xander and Willow are sitting on the steps. Buffy comes down behind them. Willow: (gets up) Buffy! Buffy doesn't really want to face her, but does. Willow: Did, uh, Angel... Buffy: He told me everything. Willow: I'm sorry we kept stuff from you. Buffy: It's okay. (smiles weakly) Willow: When Angel came to my room he was just really concerned for you, and we didn't wanna say anything in case we were wrong. Xander: Did you find out what Ford is up to? Buffy: I will. (walks off) Willow and Xander sadly watch her go. After a moment something clicks in Xander's head. Xander: Angel was in your bedroom? Willow: (nods) Ours is a forbidden love. Cut to the Sunset Club. Chantarelle is sitting and drumming her fingers. Diego paces nervously. The camera pans up to Ford coming down the stairs. Ford: (ignoring Diego) Chantarelle. Is everything ready? Diego: Of course. It's ready. (trying to get Ford's attention) Hi, I took care of it. I always take care of it. Chantarelle: Is it time? Tonight? Ford: You nervous? (pours goblets of wine) Chantarelle: Yes. No. I'm ready for the change. Do you really think they'll bless us? Ford: (takes a goblet and hands her the other) I know they will. He smiles at Chantarelle. She smiles back. Ford: Everything's falling into place. (takes a sip of wine) Diego: What about your friends? Are they comin'? Ford: What are you talking about? Diego: Your friends. They came. Last night. Two guys and a girl. Chantarelle: One was mean. Ford: Oh, Christ! Why didn't you tell me about this? Diego: I have to do everything around here. Sorry, Mr. Flawless Plan Guy, it slipped my mind. Chantarelle: It's gonna be alright, isn't it? Ford winces in pain and puts his fingertips to his forehead. Chantarelle: They're not gonna let us down? Ford: (the pain passes) It's gonna be fine. Chantarelle: I need them to bless me. Ford: It's gonna be fine! Buffy: No. They all look at her at the top of the stairs. Buffy: It's really not. Ford: (to Diego) It's kinda drafty in here. Buffy: (starts down the stairs) I'm sorry, Ford. I just couldn't wait till tonight! I'm rash and impulsive. It's a flaw. Ford: We all have flaws. Buffy: I'm still a little fuzzy on exactly what yours is. I think it has to do with being a lying scumbag. (reaches him) Ford: Everybody lies. Buffy: What do you want, Ford? What's this all about? Ford: I really don't think you'd understand. Buffy: I don't need to understand. I just need to know. Ford: I'm gonna be one of them. Buffy: You wanna be a vampire? Ford: I'm going to. Buffy: You know, vampires are a little picky about who they change ov... (figures it out) You were gonna offer them a trade! Ford: I don't think I wanna talk anymore. She grabs him by the throat and shoves him up against a pillar. Buffy: Yeah, well, I still feel awfully chatty! You were gonna give them me! Tonight! Ford: (nods) Yes. Buffy: You had to know I'd figure it out. Ford: Actually, I was counting on it. (smiles) She lets go of his throat and backs away. He coughs a bit and then laughs. Buffy: What's supposed to happen tonight? Ford: This is *so* cool! It's just like it played in my head. You know that part where you ask me what's supposed to happen? (snickers) It's already happening. Diego swings the inner door shut with a loud clang. She runs back up the stairs and pounds on the door. Ford: Rigged up special. Once it's closed, it can only be opened from the outside. As soon as the sun sets, they'll be comin'. Buffy: Ford, if these people are still around when they get here... Diego: (interrupts) We'll be changed. All of us. Chantarelle: We're going to ascend to a new level of consciousness! Become like them. Like the Lonely Ones. Ford: This is the end, Buffy. No one gets outta here alive. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The Sunset Club. Buffy hurries back down the stairs. Buffy: There's gotta be another way out of here! (looks around) Ford: This is a b*mb shelter, Buffy. I knew I wasn't gonna be able to overpower you. But this is three feet of solid concrete. Trust me when I say we're in for the long haul. Buffy: At least let the other people go. Chantarelle: Why are you fighting this? It's what we want! Diego: It's our chance for immortality. Chantarelle: This is a beautiful day. Can't you see that? Buffy: What I see is that, right after the sun goes down, Spike and all of his friends are going to be pigging out at the all-you-can-eat moron bar. Diego: Okay, that's it. I think we should gag her. Buffy: I think you should try. Diego: She's an unbeliever. She taints us. Buffy: I am trying to save you! You are playing in some serious traffic here! Do you understand that? You're going to die! And the only hope you have of surviving this is to get out of this pit right now, and, my God, could you have a dorkier outfit? Diego is offended. Chantarelle smiles. Ford: I gotta back her up, D. You look like a big ninny. (his alarm goes off) 6:27. Sunset. They all walk away from her. She looks around for what to do next. Cut to Spike's warehouse. He comes marching out with his troops. Spike: When we get there, everybody spread out. Two men on the door, first priority's the Slayer, everything else is fair game, and let's remember to share, people. (meets Drusilla ) Are you sure you're up for this? Drusilla: I want a treat. I need a treat. Spike: And a special one you'll have. Lucius! (hold up his keys) Bring the car around. Cut to the Sunset Club. Buffy runs back up the stairs to the door. Ford follows her. Ford: Hey, you never give up, do you? Buffy: No, I don't. Ford: That's a good quality in a person. Too many people, they just lay back and take it, but us... Buffy: Us? We have something in common now? Ford: More than you think. Buffy: Yeah, well, let me explain something to you. You're what we call the bad guy. Ford: I guess I am! (chuckles) Buffy: (looks down at the people) These people aren't gonna get changed, are they? The rest of them, they're just fodder. Ford: Technically, yes. But I'm in. I will become immortal. Buffy: Well, I've got a news flash for you, braintrust: that's not how it works. You die, and a demon sets up shop in your old house, and it walks, and it talks, and it remembers your life, but it's not you. Ford: It's better than nothing. Buffy: And your life is nothing? Ford snickers. Buffy: Ford, these people don't deserve to die! Ford: Well, neither do I! But apparently no one took that into consideration, 'cause I'm still dying. Buffy begins to realize what he's up to now. Ford: I look good, don't I? Well, let me tell you something: (angry) I've got maybe six months left, and by then what they bury won't even *look* like me. It'll be bald and shriveled and it'll smell bad. No, I'm not going out that way. Buffy turns away. Ford: I'm sorry, Summers. Did I screw up your righteous anger riff? Does the nest of tumors liquefying my brain kinda spoil the fun? Buffy: (faces him) I'm sorry. I had no idea. But what you're doing is still very wrong. Ford: Okay, well, you try vomiting for twenty-four hours straight because the pain in your head is so intense, and *then* we'll discuss the concept of right and wrong. (points down) These people are sheep. They wanna be vampires 'cause they're lonely, miserable or bored. I don't have a choice. Buffy: You have a choice. You don't have a good choice, but you have a choice! You're opting for mass m*rder here, and nothing you say is gonna make that okay! Ford: You think I need to justify myself to you? Buffy: I think this is all part of your little fantasy drama! Isn't this exactly how you imagined it? You tell me how you've suffered and I feel sorry for you. Well, I do feel sorry for you, and if those vampires come in here and start feeding, I'll k*ll you myself! Ford: You know what, Summers? I really did miss you. Buffy can only look at him. Outside a car comes screeching to a halt. Buffy: Ford, help me stop this. (silence) Please! Ford remains silent. Buffy runs around to the stairs again. Buffy: People, listen to me! (Ford comes after her) This is not the mothership, people! This is ugly death come to play! Ford backhand punches her across the face, and she goes tumbling to the bottom of the steps. He comes down after her and punches her in the back as she tries to get up, sending her to the floor again. They hear the outside door open and look up. Chantarelle starts up the stairs to meet them. Ford checks to see that Buffy is still out cold on the floor. Chantarelle reaches the top of the steps as the inner door opens. Spike walks up to her in his game face and smiles. He roars at her and she flinches a bit but doesn't back down. He tears the choker off of her neck. She starts to cry in fear. Spike: Take them all. Save the Slayer for me. The vampires run and jump down the stairs to the people below and begin feeding. Spike grabs Chantarelle by the neck and bites her violently. Buffy wakes and gets up, and Ford tries to h*t her with a crowbar. She grabs his arm in mid-swing and pulls him around, making him h*t his head on a concrete pillar. He falls unconscious to the floor. She looks at the mayhem going on around her and spots Drusilla standing by herself on the balcony. She takes a running leap off of a couch up to the balcony railing, quickly climbs over, grabs Drusilla from behind and holds a stake to her chest. Buffy: Spike! Spike stops feeding on Chantarelle and looks over at them. Drusilla stares at the stake poised in front of her. Spike: Everybody STOP! They all stop feeding. Buffy: Good idea. Now you let everyone out, or your girlfriend fits in an ashtray. Drusilla: (frightened) Spike? Spike: It's gonna be alright, baby. Let them go! They all let go of their victims, and the people hurry up the stairs and out. Buffy: Down the stairs. Spike slowly backs down the stairs. Buffy forces Drusilla ahead of her, still holding the stake ready. When Buffy reaches the top of the stairs she stares at Spike for a moment. She looks at Drusilla and shoves her down the stairs at Spike. He catches and steadies her as Buffy turns and rushes out the door. He starts to give chase as Buffy swings the door shut behind her. Spike slams up against it. He looks for the way to open it. Spike: Uh, where's the doorknob? Cut to the alley. Buffy walks out of the building and sees the people help and support each other. Angel walks up to her and Willow and Xander are close behind. Buffy: You guys are just in time. Willow: Are there vampires? Buffy: They're contained. They'll get out eventually, though. We should probably go. We can come back when they're gone. Xander: Come back for what? Buffy: (looks back at the entrance) For the body. Cut inside the club. The vampires are banging on the doors. Ford wakes and gets up, holding his head. Spike is comforting Drusilla. Ford: What happened? Spike: We're stuck in a basement. Ford: Buffy?

{"type": "series", "show": "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "episode": "02x07 - Lie To Me"}

foreverdreaming

~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~ In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. Sunnydale High School at night. A man in a suit with a briefcase is walking past a school building at a brisk, determined pace. He stops for a moment and looks around. Behind him to his left a door opens, and a school custodian comes out with a trashcan. Custodian: Can I help you? Philip: Rupert Giles! I need to see him! Custodian: Mr. Giles, uh, he's our librarian. Next building over, first door on your left. Philip rushes off without a word of thanks. Custodian: (sarcastically) You're welcome. (dumps the trash) Philip continues at his brisk pace and finds the outside library door. He continues toward it, but stops in his tracks when he hears a twig being crushed behind him and turns to look. He hears a moan, but sees nothing and checks the other way again. Behind him he hears breathing and turns back again, and sees a woman in the shadows. Philip: Oh, God! Slowly she walks into the light. She is d*ad and rotting. Her eyes flash yellow briefly. Philip: Diedre? Diedre: Philip. Philip quickly backs up and doesn't see the curb behind him. He trips over it and falls, dropping his briefcase. He scrambles to his feet and runs to the library door. He pounds on it and yanks at the doorknob, but it's locked. Philip: Help! Help! Somebody, please! Diedre slowly advances on him. Philip: (to himself) God, no! (loud) Help! Cut inside. Buffy is doing step aerobics to a techno b*at. Giles is sitting at the table with his hands to his ears, not relishing the music. He raises his head. Giles: (loudly over the music) Must we have this noise during your calisthenics? Buffy: It's not noise! It's music! Giles: I know music. Music has notes. This is noise. Buffy: I'm aerobicising! I must have a b*at! Giles: (under the music) Wonderful. You work on your muscle tone while my brain dribbles out of my ears. Cut outside. Philip is still pounding on the door. Philip: Help! Help! Please! Diedre continues to advance on him. Philip: Help me, somebody, please! Diedre has closed the gap. Philip turns to face her with horror in his eyes. She puts her hands up to the door on either side of him to prevent his escape. He trembles with fear as she moves her hands onto his neck and begins to choke him. Cut inside. Buffy has finished her aerobics. She strolls to the table and turns off her boom box. Giles: Ahhh! Very good. And the rest is silence. Cut outside. Philip falls from Diedre's grip, d*ad. A moment later Diedre collapses next to him. After she hits the pavement she disintegrates into a puddle of slime. The puddle spreads out and into Philip. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ A nightmare. Giles is flashing back to his youth. He has visions of rituals and tattooing. Young Giles: Time to go to sleep! (screams) A vision of a demon. Cut to Giles' bedroom. He wakes with a start. He looks around as he sits up in bed, concerned but relieved to find it was only a nightmare. Cut to school. The camera pans down from above a tree to Buffy and Willow sitting on a bench. Buffy: I'm on a beach, but not one of those American beaches, one of those island beaches where the water's way too blue, and I'm laying on my towel, and it's just before sunset, and Gavin Rossdale's massaging my feet! Willow: Oh, that's good! Uh, I'm in Florence, Italy, I've rented a scooter that's parked outside, and I'm in a little restaurant eating ziti, and there are no more tables left, so they have to seat this guy with me, and it's John Cusack! Buffy: Ooo! Very impressive. You have such an eye for detail. Willow: 'Cause with the ziti! Xander: (shows up) What are you two up to? Buffy: Just having a quick game of 'Anywhere But Here'. Xander: Ooohhh. Amy Yip at the waterslide park. Willow: You never come up with anything new. Xander: I'm just not fickle like you two, okay? I'm constant in my affections. Amy Yip at the waterslide park! Willow: (to Buffy) Do you think Giles ever played 'Anywhere But Here' when he was in school? They see him coming toward them. Xander: Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there are only twelve grades. Buffy: He probably sat in math class thinking, 'There should be more math. This could be mathier.' Willow: C'mon, you don't think he ever got restless as a kid? Buffy: Are you kidding? His diapers were tweed. Xander chuckles. Buffy sees Giles about to walk by and calls out to him. Buffy: Giles! Giles: (turns and sees them) Oh! There you are. (comes over) Buffy: Hey, morning. Say, is that tweed? (stares at his jacket) Giles: (preoccupied) What? Oh, uh, yes. Um, now, uh, look, tonight is very important, um... (heads inside) Buffy: (follows) Now, that's a surprise. Cut to the halls. They follow Giles to the library. Buffy: So, what's on tap tonight that's so important? Uprising, prophesied ritual, preordained deathfest? Xander: Ah, the old standards! Giles: Um, a medical transport is delivering the monthly supply of blood to the hospital. Buffy: Mm. Vampire Meals-On-Wheels. (stops at her locker) Giles: Hopefully not. Uh, we'll meet outside the hospital at 8:30 sharp. I'll bring the w*apon. Buffy: I'll bring the party mix! Giles: Just don't be late. Buffy: Have I ever let you down? Giles: Do you want me to answer that, or shall I just glare? Jenny: (finds them) Morning, England. Giles: Oh, hello, Ms., uh, uh, tuh, Jenny. Willow: (to Xander, smiling) Feel the passion! Xander: (smiles back) Mm-hm! Jenny: Willow... Willow: (coughs) Coughing, not speaking. (coughs more) Jenny: (to Willow) We still on for tomorrow? Willow smiles and nods. Xander: What's tomorrow? Jenny: I'm reviewing some computer basics for the couple of students who've fallen behind. Willow's helping out for extra credit. Xander: (chuckles) Those poor schlubs have to attend school on Saturday! (smiles) Jenny: 9am okay with you, Xander? Xander's smile fades. Willow bobs her head in amusement. Buffy: Got a bit of schlub on your shoe there. Xander: Heh, heh. Jenny: Well, Cordelia's gonna meet us. Xander: (dripping with sarcasm) Ooo, g*ng, did ya hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia! Mix in a little rectal surgery, and it's my best day ever! Jenny: (to Giles) Walk me to class? Giles: (a smile on his face) Pleasure. Jenny and Giles head for her class. The others watch them go. Buffy: Look at them. Xander: A twosome of cuteness. Willow: Can't you just imagine them getting together? Their expressions all change to ones of being grossed out. Cut to Giles and Jenny walking. Jenny: Oh! Thank you so much for loaning me the Forrester book. It's wonderful! Giles: Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it! Jenny: Yeah, it was so romantic, so evocative. Giles: That edition was my father's. I, I, I must've read it... twenty times. Jenny: Yeah, y'know how you have to, to dog-ear your favorite pages so you can go back to them? Giles: Uh, uh, uh, what? Jenny: Well, I mean, I-I practically had to fold back every single page. So finally I just, I just started underlining all the pages I really wanted to discuss. Giles: U-u-underlined...? Jenny: But then, of course, I spilled coffee all over it, I can't even read it... Giles: (can't believe it) It's a first edition! Jenny: I'm lying, Rupert. (smiles) The book's fine. (holds it up) I just love to see you squirm. (hands him the book) Giles: (smiles in relief) Yes, well, I, uh... trust I gave good... squirm. Jenny: Did anyone ever tell you you're kind of a fuddy-duddy? Giles: Nobody ever seems to tell me anything else. Jenny: Did anyone ever tell you you're kind of a sexy fuddy-duddy? Giles: Well, no. Actually that, that part usually gets left out. (smiles) I c-can't imagine why. Jenny: This weekend. Giles: Would you like to go out? Jenny: Mm, no, I think I'd like to stay in. They draw together for a kiss as the bell rings. They touch lips, but break it off as students begin pouring into the halls. Giles: Uh, this, (clears his throat) Saturday, then. Jenny: Saturday night. (clears her throat) I'll see if I can make you squirm. They look at each other for a moment before Giles heads off to his library. Cut to the library. Giles walks in to discover a detective and two police officers there. Det. Winslow: Rupert Giles? Giles: Yes? Det. Winslow: Detective Winslow. You're gonna have to come with me. Giles: Why? Det. Winslow: There was a homicide on campus last night. The victim had no identification, but he was carrying this slip of paper with your name and address on it. (holds up the slip in a baggie) Giles: (sets down his briefcase) My name? Cordelia walks into the library. Cordelia: Well, evil just compounds evil, doesn't it? First I'm sentenced to a computer tutorial on Saturday, now I have to read some computer book... There are books on computers? Isn't the point of computers to replace books? Giles: (cuts her off) Cordelia, I'm a little busy right now. (points out the detective) Cordelia: Oh! Great! (steps up to Det. Winslow) Can you help me with a ticket? It's totally bogus. It was a one-way street. I was going one way. Giles: (raised voice) Cordelia! Cordelia: What?! Why does everyone always yell my name? I'm not deaf! And I can take a hint. (unsure) What's the hint? Giles: To come back later. Cordelia: Yeah, when you've visited decaf land. (leaves) Giles: (to Det. Winslow) Where do you want me to go? Cut to the city morgue. The coroner opens one of the body storage doors and pulls out the drawer. Attendant: Have you had your breakfast? Giles: No. Attendant: That was probably a good idea. He pulls back the sheet to reveal Philip's body. It's bruised all over, with two especially dark bruises on the throat. Giles looks down at him in recognition. Det. Winslow: Do you know him? Giles: (whispers) Yes. Yes. I-I mean, I did. His name's Philip Henry. He was a friend of mine in London. I... I haven't spoken to him in twenty years. Det. Winslow: Can you think of any reason why he might've wanted to contact you? Giles: No. He sees the tattoo on Philip's right arm near the inside elbow. Det. Winslow: Do you know what that is? The tattoo. Giles: (lies) No. No, I don't. Cut to the hospital ER entrance that night. Buffy is waiting on Giles. Buffy: (exhales) 'Don't be late.' Sheesh. She walks over to a pay phone to try calling, but stops when she sees the blood van pull up. The driver gets out with his clipboard as two ER doctors come out to meet him. Driver: Hey, fellas. Doctor: Hey. Buffy: All's well that ends with cute ER doctors, I always say. She watches them go to the back of the van and get out the insulated container. They start back with the driver, and he gets back into the van. Buffy realizes something's wrong. Buffy: Since when do doctors take deliveries? The van backs out of the ambulance slot. The doctors wave to the driver. Doctor: See ya. The van drives off, and behind it a car engine starts and a pair of headlights come on. The old convertible pulls up into the light as the doctors set the container down. One of them opens the lid, takes out a bag of blood and begins to suck on it. The driver of the car gets out. Driver: Hey! No sampling the product! The doctor vampire hisses, but puts the bag back down and drops the lid closed. Buffy runs to att*ck. She kicks the first doctor vampire down, then the second, and does a roundhouse kick to the driver's face. The first one gets up, and she tries kicking him again, but he grabs her leg and throws her onto the hood of the car. She scissor kicks him in the neck, and he staggers away and falls. A fourth vampire runs up as Buffy gets up and takes out a stake. She turns to att*ck him. Buffy: Angel! Angel: Buffy! Look out! He jumps up onto the car's hood and leaps off to tackle the driver vampire coming at her from behind. Angel punches him in the face, but he stays up. The second vampire jumps up onto the hood and swings at Buffy. She ducks the punch and jabs him in the chest. The first vampire jumps up on the hood, too, and Buffy knocks him back off with a punch to the face. She punches the second one in the face, too, and he falls down on the hood on his back. She jumps off of the car and thrusts her stake into the first vampire as he tries to get back up. The second one is off the car again and grabs her by the shirt from behind. She swings around with the stake and gets him in the chest also. Angel, in the mean time, roundhouse kicks the driver and sends him spinning into the car. The vampire quickly sits up in the driver's seat and floors it as Angel tries to chase him. The car races off, leaving Angel and the blood behind. Buffy opens the lid to check on it. Buffy: How did you know about this? Angel: It's delivery day. Everybody knows about this. They only ruined one bag. Buffy stands up and looks after the car, which is long gone. Angel kicks the lid back closed. Buffy: Do you think you could make sure the hospital gets the rest? She realizes whom she's just asked to do that and raises her eyebrows at him. Angel just nods, not insulted by the query. Buffy: Thanks. I'm worried about Giles. He was supposed to meet me here. Angel: Maybe he's late. Buffy: Giles? Who counts tardiness as, like, the eighth deadly sin? Angel: Right. Go. She gives him a final look and hurries off. Cut to Giles' apartment building. Buffy walks to his door and knocks. Giles opens the viewport and looks out at her, then opens the door. Giles: Buffy. I-it's late. Uh, are you alright? Buffy: I was gonna ask you the same thing. Giles: Yes, I'm fine, fine. Look, I'm, uh, I'm rather busy a-at the moment, so, uh, I'll see you on Monday at, at school. He starts to close the door. Buffy holds it open with her hand. Buffy: Giles, did you forget? The hospital, vampires, handy carryout packets of blood? Giles: Oh! Yes, uh, are you alright? W-were you hurt? Buffy: No. I mean, my feelings a little. What's wrong? Giles: Nothing, nothing, nothing's wrong. I-I'm just in the, uh, middle of something extremely important, and, uh, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to say good night now. He closes the door in her face, leaving her confused and taken aback. She can hear Giles on the phone, but leaves him alone to his work. Cut inside. Giles: Yes, I'm, I'm sorry to disturb you. It's, uh... I-I realize it's, uh, five in the morning there, um... Uh, I-I'm trying to reach Diedre Page. My name is Rupert Giles, uh, uh, she knows me. It's, it's very important. (listens to the bad news) I'm terribly sorry. I... I-I didn't know. W-when did she, uh, pass away? (listens more) Ohhhh. That recently. (sits at his desk) Um, yes, yes, um, we were friends when we were young. My condolences. He hangs up the phone and stares off into space with his fingers to his lips while he considers and remembers. He takes off his glasses and reaches for his drink. The bottle next to it is in almost half empty already. He gulps the rest from the glass and sets it back down. He thinks another moment before grabbing his pen and crossing Diedre's name off of a list of five names: Thomas Sutcliff, Philip Henry, Diedre Page, Ethan Rayne, Rupert Giles. He gets up and goes into his bathroom to the sink in front of the mirror. He rolls up his sleeves, and on his left arm just above the inside elbow is the same tattoo that Philip had. He reaches into the sink full of water, cups his hands and splashes some on his face. He looks up at himself in the mirror. Giles: So. You're back. Cut to the city morgue. The camera slowly closes on the body storage drawers. Cut inside Philip's drawer. He reaches up and pulls the sheet off of his face. His eyes glow yellow. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ The city morgue. The morgue attendant is going through some paperwork and checking on bodies. He opens one storage bay, checks the toe tag, and closes it. He does the same for the next one. Then he opens Philip's, and discovers him missing. Suddenly a body bag comes down over his head. He tries to struggle, but Philip is too strong for him. Philip forces him into the storage bay and slams the door shut. He slowly starts to make his way out of the morgue. Cut to the hall at Sunnydale High. Jenny, Xander, Willow and Cordelia head for the computer classroom. Cordelia: This isn't right. School on a Saturday. It throws off my internal clock. Xander: When are we gonna need computers for real life anyway? Jenny: Hmm, let's see. There's home, school, work, games... (unlocks the classroom door) Xander: Y'know, computers are on the way out. I think paper's gonna make a big comeback. Willow: And the abacus. Xander: Yeah, you know, you don't see enough abaci. They all go into the room. Willow, Xander and Cordelia each take a seat in front of a PC. Cordelia takes the one next to Xander. Jenny: Alright, guys. The first thing we're gonna do is... Buffy! Buffy follows Jenny into the room. Xander: Huh? Did I fall asleep already? Willow: Aw, you miss your friends? Xander: Uh, sit here, Buffs! (stands up) Demilitarize the zone between me and Cordelia! Cordelia: Yeah, and delouse him while you're at it. Buffy: (to Jenny) Actually I wanted to talk to you for a second? Jenny: Something wrong? Xander: Is there some crisis that requires instant action? Very far from here? Buffy: It's Giles. Jenny: Well, he's alright, isn't he? Buffy: I don't know. Uh, he didn't show up when he was supposed to last night, and then, when I went over to his place, he was acting... well, very anti-Giles. He wouldn't let me in, and he looked really bad. I-I think he might've been... (doesn't want to believe it) I think he was drinking. Jenny: He was home alone drinking? Willow: But... tea, right? Buffy: Wasn't tea, Will. Xander: Yep, yep, I knew this would happen. Nobody can be wound as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting. My Uncle Roary was the stodgiest taxidermist you've ever met by day. By night, it was booze, whores, and fur flying. Were there whores? Buffy: He was alone. Xander: Give it time. Buffy: So, none of you guys have noticed anything different lately? Willow: No! Jenny: Not really. Buffy: Uh, you haven't seen anything weird? Xander: Nope. Cordelia: No, he seemed perfectly normal yesterday when I saw him talking to the police. Everyone stares at her. Buffy: And you waited till now to tell us this because...? Cordelia: I didn't think it was important. Xander: We understand. It wasn't about you. Jenny: Well, what were the police talking to him about? Cordelia: Oh, don't tell me, I know this one. Um... (thinks) Something about... a homicide. Buffy: That's it. I-I'm calling him right now. She goes to find a phone. Jenny rubs her head with worry. Cut to the library. Buffy heads for Giles' office when she hears something in the stacks and stops in her tracks to look. She sees a shadow move across one of the bookcases in the anteroom. She goes up the stairs and through the French doors. Slowly she walks down the main aisle, looking around and down each side aisle. As she passes one a man watches her search. Buffy keeps looking. He sees her through a gap in the books and puts his hands against the bookcase to push it over onto her. She looks up and sees it's Ethan, and dashes away just in time to avoid being crushed under the bookcase. Ethan tries to make his escape, but he's limping heavily and can't run. She grabs him by the arm and turns him around. Buffy: I know you! You were in that costume shop. Ethan: Oh, I'm pleased you remember. (tries to go) Buffy: (stops him) You sold me that dress for Halloween, and nearly got us all k*lled! Ethan: But you looked great. She punches him squarely in the jaw. Ethan: Owww! (straightens back up holding his jaw) So now we're even? Buffy: I'll let you know when we're even. What're you doing here? Ethan: Snooping around. Buffy: Honesty. Nice touch. Ethan: It's one of my virtues. (smiles) Not really. Buffy: I've got a great idea: why don't I just call the police and have you arrested for breaking and entering, and then I can get back to my fun Saturday? Ethan: Yes, the police. Well, they'll have all those questions, and they'll really need Rupert to answer them all. Buffy: You know Giles. Ethan: We go back. Way back. You don't happen to know where he is, do you? Cut to Giles' nightmare. The tattoo on his arm. Visions of a demon, of Diedre in her rotted state, of eyes glowing yellow. His phone rings. Cut to his apartment. He stirs at his desk and fumbles with the phone, managing to pick up the receiver. Giles: Hello. Buffy: (cut to her) Giles, it's me. Giles: (cut to him) (exhales) Buffy, u-unless this is an emergency, I'll see you on Monday. Buffy: (cut to her) What's the Mark of Eyghon? Cut to Giles. He is surprised to hear those words from her. Cut to the library. Buffy: Giles? Ethan: Cat got his tongue? Buffy: I'm in your office with someone who claims to be an old friend of yours. (cut to Giles) Ethan Rayne? Giles: He's there with you? Listen, Buffy, you're... you're in grave danger while Ethan's there. I want you to (cut to Buffy) put the phone down and get out of the library as soon as possible. Buffy: I'm not going anywhere until you give me some answers! Philip comes crashing through a window in Giles' office. Ethan steps behind Buffy and holds her in front of him. Giles: Buffy? Cut to Giles' apartment. He grabs his glasses and runs from his apartment. Cut to the library. Philip comes out of Giles' office and straight for Buffy. She kicks him in the chest and rolls over the counter. He comes through the door and at her again. Ethan climbs over the counter, too. Philip: Ethan! Xander comes in, followed by the others. Buffy: Don't let him get away! Xander pushes Ethan up against the counter, but gets pushed aside. The doors are held wide open by the women, and Ethan tries to make his escape past them, but Cordelia knees him in the crotch and he collapses. Buffy looks around for what to do with Philip and spots the open cage door. She backs toward it, then turns and makes like she's running in. Philip hurries to follow, but she sidesteps the door and kicks him into the cage as he runs by. She slams the door shut and locks it. Ethan is still lying in pain on the floor. Dissolve to later. Ethan is sitting in a chair at the table being watched by Buffy. The others observe Philip. Willow has seen enough and goes over to Buffy. Willow: I'm not gonna get close enough to feel his pulse, but... he looks d*ad. Xander: Except for the walking and attacking Buffy part. Ethan: He's d*ad. Sorry, Philip. Really I am. Giles barges into the library. Giles: Is everyone alright? Cordelia: Super! (proud of herself) I kicked a guy! Jenny: We're okay. Xander: Deadguy here interrupted our tutorial. (to Philip) Been meaning to thank you for that. Philip jumps at him, and Xander backs off. Giles walks over to have a look at Philip. Giles: It can't be! Ethan: Yes, it can. (Giles turns to him) Hello, Ripper. Giles: I thought I told you to leave town. Ethan: You did. I didn't. (Giles approaches him) Shop's lease is paid till the end of the month. Cordelia: (to Xander) Uh, why did he call him Ripper? Giles grabs Ethan by the hair on the back of his neck and lifts him out of his chair. Giles: You should've left when I told you. Cordelia: Ohhhh... Buffy: Giles?! Giles: You put these people in danger. The people I care about. Ethan: If you cared so much about them, why didn't *you* leave town? (pushes Giles' arm away) You've been having the dreams, I know. I have. We both know what's coming. Buffy: What dreams?! What is going on here?! Ethan: Tell her, Ripper. Buffy: Giles... Philip breaks the cage door and throws it open into Jenny, knocking her out. Xander quickly moves away and pushes Cordelia with him. Giles: JENNY! He scrambles to her aid. Buffy gets between Ethan and Philip and kicks him in the chest three times, forcing him back against the cage. He slides down to the floor, but gets back up and comes for Buffy again. Before he can reach her, his eyes go wide, he begins to convulse and he collapses to the floor next to Jenny. He disintegrates into a puddle of slime. It begins to spread out. Everyone stares. Willow: Now, there's something you don't see everyday. Cordelia: I'm gonna be in therapy till I'm thirty. Buffy: (looks around) Where's Ethan? (runs off) Where'd he go? The slime oozes its way to Jenny, and her hand stirs when it makes contact. She regains consciousness, and Giles helps her sit up. Giles: Are you alright, Jenny? Jenny: Ow! (cradles her head in her hand) Giles: Careful! Jenny: Ohhh... Giles: Can you stand? (helps her up) Jenny: I think so. Cordelia: This is what happens when you have school on Saturday. Xander gives her a look. Jenny: (unsteady) Mm. Giles: Lean on me. (pulls her close) It'll be alright. Jenny: (pulls away to look at him) Promise? Giles: I promise. Jenny: I believe you. She closes her eyes and leans on his shoulder, hugging him close. When she opens her eyes again they glow yellow like cat's eyes. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Giles is at the table stroking Jenny's hair as she rests her head against her hand. Buffy comes striding back into the library. Giles: How's your head? Jenny: Throbbing. Buffy: I lost Ethan. Giles, what's going on? Giles: It's complicated, Buffy, and quite frankly, it's private. Buffy: I don't care from private! I care from d*ad guys attacking us. I care from you lost weekending in your apartment. Giles: I wasn't... I was just trying to find a solution. Buffy: Giles, share! What is the Mark of Eyghon? Giles: Hey! (stares her down) This is not your battle! And as your Watcher, (stands up) I'm telling you unequivocally to stay out of it! Buffy can't believe what she's hearing. Giles: I have to get Jenny home. (helps her up) Jenny: Mm. Thank you. She rests her head on his shoulder as the two of them walk from the library. Buffy goes over to the others sitting and leaning on the counter. Buffy: We have work to do. Will, I want you to find out anything and everything you can about the Mark of Eyghon. Willow: I'll try the 'Net, but 'Mark of Eyghon' sounds like Giles and his books sorta deal. Buffy: Then we h*t the books. Willow heads up into the stacks. Buffy: Xander, how do you feel about digging through some of Giles' personal files and seeing what you can find? Xander: I feel pretty good about it. Does that make me a sociopath? Nah. (heads for the office) Cordelia hops off of the counter and smiles at Buffy. Buffy: (raises her brows) What? Cordelia: What about me? I care about Giles. Buffy: (thinks) Uh, work with Xander. Cordelia: Well, when I say 'care', I, I mean... Buffy: Cordelia... Cordelia: Okay, okay! (walks to the office) Buffy goes to do what she can to help, too. Cut to Giles' apartment building. Jenny: Thanks for bringing me here. (cut inside the apartment) Not quite ready to be home alone just yet. She accepts a drink from Giles. He walks around the couch and sits down next to her. She takes a sip of the drink. Jenny: Ooo! Giles: Jenny, uh... I'm so very sorry about all of this. (sets down his drink and takes off his glasses) I, uh... I never meant for you to be involved in, in, uh, any of this. Jenny: So I got involved. (leans forward) That's what happens when two people get involved. Giles looks at her and smiles. He starts to make a move in to kiss her, but stops himself. Giles: I really am, however, gonna have to get you home. It's not, uh... I'm not a very safe person to be around at the moment. Jenny: Nothing's safe in this world, Rupert. Don't you know that by now? She reaches up and strokes his head behind his ear. Cut to the library. Willow has found something. Willow: Ah! Aha! It's not Egyptian, it's Etruscan (goes over to Buffy with her book) mistaken for Egyptian by the design pattern, but any fool can see it predates their iconology. Look, the Mark of Eyghon, worn by his initiates. (reads) 'Eyghon, also called the Sleepwalker, can only exist in this reality by possessing an unconscious host. Temporary possession imbues the host with a euphoric feeling of power.' Buffy: Yeah, but what about non-temporary? Willow: (reads) 'Unless the proper rituals are observed, the possession is permanent, and Eyghon will be born from within the host.' Cordelia: I'm guessing eww! Willow: Wait. Hey, listen. 'Once called, Eyghon can also take possession of the d*ad, but its demonic energy soon disintegrates the host, and it must jump to the nearest d*ad or unconscious person to continue living.' Buffy: I still don't get what this has to do with Giles. Willow: I don't know about Giles, but ancient sects used to induce possession for bacchanals and, and orgies. Xander: Okay! Giles and orgies in the same sentence. I coulda lived without that one. Cordelia could've lived without Xander's comment. Buffy: Uh, wait a minute. The d*ad guy's all puddly now. Cordelia: So the demon's gone. There was no one d*ad to jump into. I mean, we're all not d*ad, right? Buffy: No, no one d*ad. Xander: But someone unconscious. They realize what happened. Cut to Giles' apartment. Jenny yanks the phone cord from the wall. Giles: What was that? Jenny: What was what? Giles: I thought I heard something. (comes out of the kitchen with tea) Jenny: I didn't. Giles: Here. (hands her a cup) Drink that, and then I'll drive you home. Jenny: (takes a sip) You could take me home. (sets the cup down) Or you could take advantage of me in my weakened state. Cut to the library. Buffy is on the phone. Buffy: Thank you, operator. (hangs up) There's no answer at Ms. Calendar's, and Giles' phone is out of order. I'm gonna go over there. (strides out) Cut to Giles' apartment. Giles: Jenny, uh... (moves away) I'm, I'm really very attracted t-to you. Jenny: Good. (follows) Giles: But, um, now really isn't the right time. (faces her) Jenny: Oh, there's never been a better time. She pushed him back onto a chair, climbs onto his lap and kisses him hard. He pushes her away. Giles: It's not right. I would be taking advantage. Jenny: (gets off) God, you just don't change, do you? (paces) Giles: What? Jenny: It's not right, it wouldn't be proper, people might get hurt. You're like a woman, Ripper. You cry at every funeral. You never had the strength for me. You don't deserve me. (whispers) But guess what? You've got me. (takes his head) (in a deep male voice) Under your skin. She grabs his hair and lifts him to his feet. She kisses him roughly. When she pulls back her face has started the transformation to Eyghon. Jenny/Eyghon: Was it good for you? She smashes his head into the phone on the desk. Jenny/Eyghon: Aw, you never had the stomach. But that's okay. 'Cause I'm about to rip it out! She pulls him back, and he cries out as he staggers backward into the bar and stumbles to the floor. Buffy kicks open the door and kicks Jenny/Eyghon hard in the jaw, sending her back over the couch and onto the floor. She gets up again and walks around the couch, eyeing Buffy. Buffy: Back off! Jenny/Eyghon: (stops and laughs) Three down, two to go. Be seeing ya. She runs and dives through the window. Buffy crouches down beside Giles. Buffy: Are you alright? Giles: Oh, Jenny! Oh, God! Buffy: Giles, how do we stop this? Giles: Oh, God, what have I done? Buffy: Talk to me! Giles, you're scaring me. Giles: I'm sorry. Buffy: Don't be sorry, be Giles. C'mon, we fight monsters. This is what we do. They show up, they scare us, I b*at 'em up and they go away. This isn't any different! Giles: It *is* different. Buffy: Because you don't know how to stop it? Giles: Because I created it! Cut to the library. Xander comes out of Giles' office. Willow: Did you find anything? Xander: The most meticulous banking and phone records you've ever seen. And, um, this. He hands her a picture of a young Giles in a leather jacket playing an electric bass. Willow: (giggles) That's Giles? Cut to Giles' apartment. Giles: I was twenty-one, studying history at Oxford. And, of course, the occult by night. I hated it. The tedious grind of study, the... overwhelming pressure of my destiny. I dropped out, I went to London... (exhales) I fell in with the worst crowd that would have me. We practiced magicks. Small stuff for pleasure or gain. And Ethan and I discovered something... bigger. Buffy: Eyghon. Giles: Yes. One of us would, um... (nervously pours a drink) go into a deep sleep, and the others would, uh, summon him. It was an extraordinary high! (smiles nervously) God, we were fools. Buffy: You couldn't control it. Giles: One of us, Randall, he lost control. Eyghon took him whole. We tried to exorcise the demon from Randall, but it k*lled him. No. We k*lled him. We thought we were free of the demon after that. But now he's back. And one by one, he will k*ll us all. Buffy: Three down, two to go? Giles nods. Buffy: Then it's going after Ethan. (gets up) I better b*at it there. Giles: (gets up) *We'd* better. Buffy: *I'd* better. Giles, you're barely mobile, and speed is of a serious essence here. Giles: (sits back down) I don't know how to stop it without k*lling Jenny. Buffy: I've got the guys working on it. I'll, um, try to contain it until we figure something. (starts to go) Giles: Buffy? (she stops) I'm sorry. Buffy: I know. (leaves) Cut to the street in front of Ethan's. Cut inside. Buffy opens the door and looks in. Buffy: Ethan? (comes in and closes the door) Ethan? (looks around) Giles told me everything. Look, it's coming for you. Ethan: (appears behind her) And you came to protect me? I'm touched. Buffy: Don't worry, it's nothing personal. To protect Giles I have to protect you. (walks past him) Ethan: How does Ripper inspire such goodness? Buffy: 'Cause he's Giles. Ethan: And I'm not. Still, lucky me. Buffy: Hmm. Lucky you. Ethan: Well, we can't run. Eyghon will find us. (shows his tattoo) This mark's like a homing beacon. Buffy: That's okay. I'm not much into running. Ethan: Aren't we manly? Buffy: One of us is. You're gonna hide till it's over. Ethan: Excellent plan. Buffy: Is there a way in through the back? Ethan: Uh, there's a back door. It's locked. I think it's solid. Buffy: We'll set up there. Let's go. Ethan: Oh, no, please. He indicates she should go first. She heads toward the back as he picks up a mannequin arm and hits her across the back with it, knocking her down and out. Ethan: Ladies first. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ Ethan's shop. He's humming while he works. Buffy is lying face down on a table with her arms tied together underneath. She wakes up. Ethan: Wakey, wakey. You're missing all the fun. Buffy: What fun? Ethan: Your initiation. He sets down a tray of tattooing instruments. Buffy: You know what? I'm not real interested in joining your club. Ethan: Too late. I already voted you in. (she struggles) Y'know, I hope you're not taking this personally, Buffy. I actually kinda like you. It's ju, it's just that I like myself a whole lot more. If you think of it karmically, this is, this is really big for your soul. Buffy struggles with the rope. Ethan: You know, taking my place with the demon, giving so that others may live. Buffy: I'm gonna k*ll you. Will that blow the whole karma thing? Ethan: Sweet child. (takes the tattoo ink and needle) Now, this may sting a little just at first. But don't worry, that'll go away once the searing pain kicks in. Buffy struggles harder. He bends over her to begin. Ethan: You can go ahead and scream if you like. He starts tattooing her on the back of her neck. Cut to the library. Willow, Xander and Cordelia are researching books. Willow: We have to figure out how to k*ll this thing, and we need to do it fast. (takes a sip of tea) Xander: (reads) Uh, 'hot lava.' Willow: That's for a heretic. Xander: Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, okay. Uh, ooo, ooo! 'Bury a potato!' No, that's for warts. Who writes this stuff? Cordelia: I've got the solution right here. 'To k*ll a demon cut off its head.' Xander: Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah! We'll, uh, find Ms. Calendar, then we'll decapitate her. Hey! She'll be the first headless computer teacher in school. You think anybody'll notice? Cordelia: Do you know what you need, Xander, besides a year's supply of acne cream? A brain. Xander: (Gets up) That's it! Twelve years of you and I'm snappin'! I don't care if you're a girl or not, I'm throwin' down! Come on! Cordelia: (gets up and walks to him) I've seen you fight. And don't think I can't take you! Xander: Give it your best sh*t. Willow: (had enough, gets up) HEY! We don't have time for this! Our friends are in trouble! Now, we have to put our heads together and, and get them out of it! And if you two aren't with me a hundred and ten percent, then get the hell out of my library! (points to the door) Cordelia: (meekly) We're sorry. Xander: We'll be good. Willow: (nods and sits) Okay. Now, we've done the research. We just have to figure out how to use it. Xander: Oh, hey! Why don't we find another d*ad body for the demon to jump into! Cordelia: Yes! At the cemetery. Willow: Well, that won't k*ll the demon. It'll only give it a change of scenery. (something clicks) Oh. Oh! Oh, I've got it! (runs for the phone) I've got it! Xander: She's good! (follows) Cordelia smiles and follows also. Cut to Ethan's shop. Ethan has finished Buffy's tattoo. Ethan: Hmm. I think I missed my calling as an artist. Buffy: Ethan, listen to me. This is a bad idea. You're dealing with something very dangerous. Ethan: (rolls up his left sleeve) But it will get Eyghon off my scent. He picks up a bottle of sulfuric acid. Buffy draws a breath in fright, thinking the acid is meant for her. Ethan: Now relax. I'm finished with you. This is for me. Buffy has found an exposed screw on the underside of the table and begins scraping her rope against it. Ethan steels himself for the burn of the acid. He slowly pours it onto his Mark of Eyghon tattoo. Buffy looks at him like he's insane. He does his best not to scream but lets out a few grunts of pain. Buffy keeps scraping the rope on the screw. Cut to Giles' apartment. He's about to leave his apartment when he's caught by a waking nightmare and collapses to the floor, unable to remain standing. He has visions of the Mark of Eyghon and various friends incarnate of Eyghon, and finally of Buffy with her new tattoo. He wakes. Giles: Oh! Ethan... No. No! He quickly gets up, grabs his coat and staggers out the door, still weak and not bothering to close it behind him. Cut to Ethan's. He wraps his arm in a bandage. Ethan: Well, I hate to mutilate and run, but... He and Buffy see a diffuse green light shine through the shop windows and the shadow of Jenny/Eyghon coming to the door. The door opens and Jenny/Eyghon steps in, well on her way to transforming into Eyghon. Jenny/Eyghon: (to Ethan in a deep male voice) It's your time. Buffy is almost through the rope under the table. Jenny/Eyghon steps up to Ethan. He stares at her in fear. She sniffs a few times and realizes he's not the one she's after anymore. She turns to Buffy, and her eyes glow. Jenny/Eyghon shoves Ethan aside just as Buffy gets through the rope. Buffy rolls off of the table and onto the floor as Jenny/Eyghon lunges for her. She kicks up and flips Jenny/Eyghon and the table over and onto the floor. They both get up. Jenny/Eyghon holds the table in her hands and rushes Buffy with it, pushing her into some crates. Giles barges in through the door. Giles: Eyghon! Take me. Jenny/Eyghon tosses the table aside and turns to face Giles. Giles: Buffy, get out of here! Jenny/Eyghon slowly advances on Giles. Buffy: NO! (gets between them) No! Jenny/Eyghon stretches her arm out at Buffy, and she goes flying into a pile of boxes. Jenny/Eyghon grabs Giles by the collar, pulls him around and down to the floor and stands over him. Jenny/Eyghon: I've been waiting a long time to do this. As she bends down to grab Giles Angel runs in through the door, grabs her and pulls her to the crate, banging her head into it. He takes her by the neck and starts to choke her. Willow, Xander and Cordelia run in next. Willow holds Giles back as he gets up. Giles: He's k*lling her! Willow: No! Trust me! This is gonna work! Angel continues choking Jenny/Eyghon. Xander helps Buffy up. Finally Eyghon has to jump and does so, right into Angel. He drops Jenny as he's thrown back into the wall and begins convulsing. When Jenny hits the floor she is herself again. Willow lets go of Giles, and he immediately gets on his hands and knees next to her. Giles: Jenny! Angel's face twists and contorts as the demons inside of him fight it out. He is thrown to the crate and hits his head. His face goes through a few more contortions when Eyghon suddenly appears, apparently gaining the upper hand. After a moment Angel's face shifts back to normal, then back to Eyghon, then back to normal again. He is thrown back against the wall. Another moment's struggle and the demon inside Angel throws Eyghon out. Without a host body to occupy Eyghon quickly crumbles into ashes. Angel gasps and collapses to the floor. They all run over to his aid. Giles reaches out to Jenny. She shifts to look at him. Giles: Jenny! Jenny: Rupert... Ethan gets up and runs from the shop. Buffy: You knew that if the demon was in trouble it was gonna jump into the nearest d*ad person. Angel: I put it in danger. Willow: And it jumped. (stands up) Angel: (gets up) I've had a demon inside me for a couple hundred years... (exhales) just waitin' for a good fight. Buffy: Winner and still champion. Xander: Uh, I think that Ethan guy disappeared again. Buffy: Darn. I really wanted to h*t him till he bled. Cordelia: Well, at least it's over. Buffy and Angel look over at Jenny and Giles. Jenny clings to Giles as they walk out of the shop. Cut to school the next day. Willow, Xander and Buffy walk across the quad. Buffy: You know what the worst thing is? I was saving up for some very important shoes, and now I have to blow my entire allowance to get this stupid tattoo removed. Let's just hope my mom doesn't see it first. Xander: Puttin' that demon into Angel was pretty brill, Will. Willow: I wasn't sure it was gonna work. Buffy: But it did. Xander: Like a charm. Buffy: Hey! Maybe you should consider a career as a Watcher. Willow: Oh, no, I don't think I could handle the stress. Xander: And the dental plan is crap. Willow: I don't see how Giles does it. They see him walking. Buffy: I don't think he has a choice. Cut to the hall. Jenny walks to the stairs and is about to start up when Giles catches up with her. Giles: Uh, uh, Jenny! Jenny... She stops and turns to face him. Jenny: Rupert, hi. Giles: Uh... I-I-I tried to call you last night, s-see how you were. Jenny: Yeah, I-I-I, uh... I left my phone off the hook. I seem to need a lot of sleep lately. Giles: But, but you're al-alright? Is, is, is there anything you need? Jenny: Mm, no, I'm fine. I mean, I'm not... running around, wind in my hair, 'the hills are alive with the sound of music' fine, but... I'm coping. Giles: I, I would like to help. Jenny: I know. Giles: Perhaps we could, um, talk sometime, um... dinner, or, or a drink? When you're feeling stronger. Buffy sees them talking. Jenny: Sure, sometime. Giles reaches out to her, but she takes a backward step up and away from him and draws a deep breath. Jenny: Yeah. Sometime. (pauses) I better get to class. Giles: Yes, of course. He watches her go up the stairs. When she's gone from sight he looks down sadly, and after a moment starts to go to his library. Buffy catches up to him. Buffy: Hey. They round the corner and stop. Buffy: Is she okay? Giles: Um... The hills are not alive. Buffy: (doesn't understand) I'm sorry to hear that. I think. Giles: I don't think she'll ever really forgive me. Maybe she shouldn't. Buffy: Maybe you should. Giles: I never wanted you to see that side of me. Buffy: I'm not gonna lie to you. It was scary. I'm so used to you being a grownup, and (inhales) then I find out that you're a person. Giles: Most grownups are. Buffy: Who would've thought? Giles: Some are even, uh... shortsighted, foolish people. Buffy: So, after all this time, we finally find out that we *do* have something in common. Which, apart from being a little weird, is kind of okay. (pauses) I think we're supposed to be training right now. Giles: Yes. Yes. Um, need to concentrate on your flexibility. Buffy: And you know what? I have just the perfect music. (holds up a black CD) Go on, say it. You know you want to. Giles: It's not music, it's just, uh, meaningless sounds. Buffy: There. Feel better? Giles: Yes. Thanks. They head into the next hall toward the library. Giles: Bay City Rollers. Now, that's music.

{"type": "series", "show": "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "episode": "02x08 - The Dark Age"}

foreverdreaming

~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~ In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. Sunnydale High School. The career fair is going on in the lounge. Willow comes into the hall from outside and looks around at some of the displays being set up on her way to sign up for the career aptitude test. Buffy and Xander are already sitting at a table filling out their tests. Xander: (reads) 'Are you a people person, or do you prefer keeping your own company?' Well, what if I'm a people person who keeps his own company by default? Willow heads for their table with a test to join them. Buffy: So, mark 'none of the above'. Xander: Well, there are no boxes for 'none of the above'. That would introduce too many variables into their mushroom head, number-crunching little world. Willow: (sits) I'm sensing bitterness. Xander: No, it's just these people can't tell from one multiple-choice test what we're gonna be doing for the rest of our lives. It's ridiculous! Willow: (smiles) I'm kinda curious to find out what sort of career I could have. Xander: What, and suck all the spontaneity out of being young and stupid? I'd rather live in the dark. Willow: You're not gonna be young forever. Xander: Yes, but I'll always be stupid. (smirks and looks at the girls) Okay, let's not all rush to disagree. Buffy: (looks up at him seriously) You're not stupid. Xander gives her an acknowledging sarcastic grin, then looks up when he hears Cordelia. She has a clipboard, and is taking her test as she walks into the lounge accompanied by two of her groupies. Cordelia: 'I aspire to help my fellow man.' (marks her test) Check. As long as he's not smelly, dirty or something gross. (walks by the table) Xander: Cordelia Chase, always ready to give a helping hand to the rich and the pretty. Cordelia: Which, lucky me, excludes you. Twice. Xander has no comeback, so Cordelia just walks away followed closely by her cronies. Xander: Is m*rder always a crime? Buffy: Do I like shrubs? Xander: That's between you and your god. Buffy: (to Willow) What'd you put? Willow: I came down on the side of shrubs. Buffy: Go with shrubs! Okay! (frustrated) Uhhh! I shouldn't even be bothering with this. It's all mootville for me. No matter what my aptitude test says, we already know my deal. Xander: Yup, high risk, sub-minimum wage... Buffy: Pointy wooden things... Willow: Then why are you even taking the test? Buffy: It's Principal Snyder's hoop of the week. He's not happy unless I'm jumping. Believe me, I would *not* be here otherwise. Willow: You're not even a teensy weensy bit curious about what kinda career you could've had? I mean, if you weren't already the Slayer and all. Buffy: Do the words 'sealed in fate' ring any bells for you, Will? Why go there? Willow is hurt by that comment. Xander: Y'know, with that kind of attitude you could've had a bright future as an employee at the DMV. (shakes his pencil at her) Buffy: I'm sorry, it's just... unless Hell freezes over and every vamp in Sunnydale puts in for early retirement, I'd say my future is pretty much a non-issue. Cut to Spike's warehouse. Drusilla is standing at one end of a large table dealing her tarot cards. At the other end Spike is looking on as Dalton tries to translate the ancient text in the book that they stole from the library. Spike: Read it again. Dalton: Well, I'm not sure. It could be, uh... (shrugs with his hands) deprimere... ille... bubula... linter. Spike: (paging through a dictionary) Debase, the beef, canoe. Dalton looks up at Spike and smiles a stupid smile. Spike cannot abide him and punches him in the face. Spike: Why does that strike me as not right? Dalton looks at him sheepishly and turns his attention back to the book. Drusilla: Spike, come dance? (holds out her hand) Spike: (angry) Give us some peace, would you? Can't you see I'm working? Drusilla pulls back her hand and begins to pout and whine like a puppy. Spike: Oh, I'm sorry, kitten. (goes to her) It's just this manuscript. Supposed to hold your cure, but it reads like gibberish. E-even Dalton here, the big brain, he can't make heads or tails of it. Drusilla puts her hand to her head. Drusilla: I... I, I need to change Miss Edith. She takes a few steps and then puts her other hand to her head as well, bends over and whines. Spike rushes to her, puts his arms around her and pulls her back up. Spike: Oh, forgive me! You know I can't stand to see you like this. (sits her down and crouches) We're runnin' out of time. It's that bloody Slayer! Whenever I turn around she's muckin' up the works. Drusilla: (tries to comfort him back) Shh. Shh. You'll make it right. I know. Spike puts his hands around her neck and kisses her gently but firmly. After they release their kiss he stands up again and turns his attention back to Dalton. Drusilla reaches for the next tarot card. Spike: Well. (walks around the table) Come on, now. Enlighten me. Dalton: Uh, well, it looks like Latin, but it's not. I-I'm not even sure it's, it's a language, actually, I... Spike: Then MAKE IT A LANGUAGE! Isn't that what a transcriber does?! Dalton: Well, not exactly... He yelps as Spike grabs him by the shirt and lifts him from his chair. Spike: I want the cure. Drusilla: Don't... Spike: Why not? Some people find pain (punches Dalton in the stomach) very inspirational. Dalton doubles over. Drusilla: (looks up from her cards) He can't help you. (looks back at her cards) Not without... (points at a card) the key. Spike: The key? You mean this book is in some kind of code? Drusilla: Yeah. Dalton nods weakly, still in pain. Spike shoves him back into his chair and walks over to Drusilla. He looks at one of her cards. A mausoleum is pictured on it. Spike: Is that where we'll find this key? Drusilla: Yeah! Spike: I'll send the boys, pronto! Drusilla: Now will you dance? (smiles) Spike: (smiles and takes her hand) I'll dance with *you*, pet. He pulls her up from her chair and lifts her into his arms. Spike: On the Slayer's grave! He starts to spin around with her in his arms. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ The cemetery. Buffy walks through it at a relaxed pace. She pauses for a moment, but continues on, scanning the graveyard around her as she goes. She stops again when she hears clinking noises coming from a mausoleum. She looks at it and sees light coming from inside. She walks over to it, pushes the door open a bit and peeks in. Dalton is chipping away at the wall, exposing a chamber behind it. He reaches in for something as Buffy pulls her head back out and closes the door. She walks down the steps and turns around to wait for him to come out. A few moments later Dalton opens the door and steps out. Buffy: Does 'rest in peace' have no sanctity to you people? Oh, I forgot. You're not a people. Another vampire comes up behind her. She senses him, turns around and kicks him in the gut, then the jaw, then again in the gut. He takes a swing at her, but she grabs his arm and punches him twice in the face. He swings at her with his other arm, but she ducks and catches it, too. She yanks it back, and it can be heard snapping. While she has him leaning back she thrusts a stake into his heart. He explodes into ashes. Buffy: One down, (turns and sees Dalton missing) one gone. She looks around, but sees no sign of him anywhere. Cut to Buffy's room. Angel is there, and he looks around while he waits for her to get home. Buffy climbs up to her window and looks in. She sees him looking into her bookcase. Angel takes her stuffed pig from the shelf. Without a word Buffy reaches for her bag and tosses it loudly through the window and onto the floor. Angel turns around, startled. He gently squeezes the pig. Angel: Buffy! You scared me. Buffy: (climbs in) Now you know what it feels like, Stealth Guy. She crouches down by her bag and reaches into her hair to pull out a few clips. Buffy: Just dropping by for some quality time with Mr. Gordo? Angel: (confused) Excuse me? Buffy: The pig. (opens her trunk and dumps the bag in) Angel: Oh. (chuckles) I, uh... Buffy: What's up? (walks to her desk) Angel: Nothing. He tosses the pig onto a chair and walks to the foot of her bed. She drops her hair clips into a desk drawer and faces him. Buffy: Only you don't have a nothing face. You have a something face. And you don't have to whisper. Mom's in L.A. till Thursday. Art buying, or something. Angel: Then why'd you come in through the window? Buffy: (crinkles her nose) Habit. Angel: I wanted to make sure you're okay. I had a bad feeling. Buffy: (exhales) There's a surprise. Angel comes with bad news. He exhales and turns away, tired of the same old reaction from her. Buffy: Oh, God, I'm sorry. (walks over to him) Look, I've been Cranky Miss all day. It's not you. Angel: Well, what is it then? Buffy: It's nothing. Angel isn't buying it. Buffy: (exhales) Uh, we're having this thing at school. Angel: Career week? Buffy: How did you know? Angel: I lurk. Buffy: Right. Well, then you know it's a whole week of 'what's my line', only... I don't get to play. (sits on her bed) Sometimes I just want... Angel: You want what? (sits next to her) Buffy looks into her long mirror. She's alone in the reflection. Angel: It's okay. Buffy: (looks up at Angel) The Cliff Notes version? I want a normal life. Like I had before. Angel: Before me. Buffy: No, Angel, (touches his hand) it's not you. (touches his cheek) You're the one freaky thing in my freaky world that still makes sense to me. (lowers her hand) I just get messed sometimes. (Angel looks down) I wish we could be regular kids. Angel: (looks back up) Yeah. I'll never be a kid. (gets up) Buffy: Okay, then a regular kid and her cradle robbing, creature-of- the-night boyfriend. Angel can't help but let out a laugh. Buffy smiles back. He sees a picture on her desk and picks it up. It's of her as a child on ice- skates. Angel: Was this part of your normal life? Buffy: Oh, my God. (laughs and stands up) My Dorothy Hamill phase. My room in L.A. was pretty much a shrine. Dorothy dolls, Dorothy posters, I even got the Dorothy haircut. Thereby securing a place for myself in the geek hall of fame. Angel: Hmm, you wanted to be like her? Buffy: I wanted to *be* her. My parents were fighting all the time, and skating was an escape. I felt safe. Angel: When was the last time you put on your skates? Buffy: (inhales) About a couple of hundred demons ago. Angel: (steps close to her) There's a rink out past Route 17, it's... closed on Tuesdays. Buffy: (looks up at him) Tomorrow's Tuesday. Angel: I know. Cut to school the next day. Cordelia and Xander are going over the results of the career aptitude test posted on a bulletin board. She finds herself in the A-D list. Cordelia: Oh, here I am. 'Personal shopper or motivational speaker.' Neato! Xander: Motivational speaker? On what? Ten ways to a more annoying you? She pages through the H-K list and finds Xander's results. Cordelia: Oh, what about you? You're... (giggles and leaves) Xander: What? (frantically looks himself up) What?! Cut to a hall exit. Willow and Buffy come out and start across the quad. Willow: You and Angel are going skating? Alone? Buffy: Unless some unforeseen evil pops up. But I'm in full 'see no evil' mode. Willow: Angel ice-skating. Buffy: I know. Two worlds collide. Xander meets up with them. Xander: Wouldn't you two say you know me about as well as anyone else? Maybe even better than I know myself? Willow: What's *this* about? Xander: When you look at me, do you think 'prison guard'? Willow and Buffy giggle. Buffy: Um, crossing guard, maybe, but prison guard? (shakes her head) Xander: They just put up the assignments for the career fair, and according to my test results I can look forward to being gainfully employed in the growing field of corrections. Buffy: (giggles) Well, at least you'll be on the right side of the bars. Xander: Ha, ha, ha, ha! Laugh now, missy, they assigned you to the booth for law enforcement professionals. Buffy: (stunned) As in police? Xander: As in polyester, doughnuts and brutality. Buffy whines. Willow: But, (smiles) doughnuts! Buffy: (whines louder) Well, I'll just jump off that bridge when I come to it. She spots Giles walking along with a tall stack of old books in his arms. Buffy: First I have to deal with Giles. He's on this Tony Robbins hyper-efficiency kick. Expects me to check in every day after homeroom. (walks off after Giles) Police? Xander starts to follow, but Willow holds him back. Willow: You didn't check to see which seminar I was assigned to, did you? Xander: I did, and you weren't. Willow: I wasn't what? Xander: On the list. Willow: But I handed in my test! I used a number two pencil! Xander: Then I guess you musta passed. Willow: It's not the kinda test you pass or fail. Xander: Your name wasn't up there, Will. Willow is a bit taken aback. Cut to the library. Giles walks to the table, balancing his stack of books. He carefully sets them down and leans over a bit to straighten the stack, but over-leans, and the books begins to fall over. He reacts quickly to try to stop them. Giles: AH! Buffy puts her hand on top of the stack just as he does, and they push it back up. Giles is relieved. Giles: (exhales) Buffy. Thank you. (she sits) I've been, uh, indexing the Watcher diaries covering the last couple of centuries. You would be amazed at how numbingly pompous and long-winded some of these Watchers were. Buffy: Color *me* stunned. Giles: So, uh, I trust last night's patrol was fruitful? Buffy: Semi. Mm, I caught one out of two vamps after they stole something from this jumbo mausoleum. Giles: They were stealing? Buffy: Yeah! They had tools, flashlights, whole nine yards. What does that mean anyway? 'Whole nine yards'? (Giles begins to pace) Nine yards of what? (whines) Now it's gonna bug me all day. Giles, you're in pace mode. What gives? Giles: Um, this vampire who escaped, did you see what he took? Buffy: No, but I could take a guess and say it was something old. Giles: You made no effort to find out what was taken? Buffy: Have a cow, Giles! I just figured it was your everyday vamp hijinks. Giles: Well, what if it wasn't? This could be very serious! I mean, i- i-if you'd made an effort to, uh, to be more thorough in your observations... Buffy: Y'know, if you don't like the way I'm doing my job, why don't you find somebody else? Oh, that's right, there can only be one. As long as I'm alive, there is no one else. Well, there you go! I don't have to be the Slayer. I could be d*ad. Giles: That wasn't terribly funny. You notice I don't laugh. Buffy: Wouldn't be much of a change. Either way I'm bored, constricted, I never get to shop, and my hair and fingernails still continue to grow. So really, when you think about it, what's the diff? Giles: Do we have to be introspective now? Our only concern is to discover what was stolen from that mausoleum last night. Cut to Drusilla's room. She waves her hand over an intricately carved gold cross held out to her by Spike on a red velvet pillow. Spike: This is it then? Drusilla: (senses) It hums. I can hear it. Spike: Once you're well again, we'll have a coronation down Main Street, and invite everyone, and drink for seven days and seven nights. Dalton: (behind them) What about the Slayer? She almost blew the whole thing for us. She's trouble. Spike: (looks at him) You *don't* say? (gets up) Trouble?! (paces) She's the gnat in my ear! The gristle in my teeth! She's the bloody thorn in my BLOODY SIDE! (kicks the table violently) Drusilla: (concerned) Spike? Spike: We gotta do something. We'll never complete your cure with that *bitch* breathing down our necks. (exhales) I need to bring in the big g*n. They'll take care of her once and for all. Dalton: Big g*n? Spike: The Order of Taraka. Dalton: The bounty hunters?! Drusilla deals three tarot cards. One is of a Cyclops, another of a centipede and the third of a panther. Drusilla: They're coming to my party. (looks up) Three of them. Spike walks back to the bed to look at the cards. Dalton: Uh, yes, but... The Order of Taraka, I mean... isn't that overkill? Spike: No, I think it's just enough k*ll. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ The career fair in the school lounge. Xander walks into the hall at the far end and spots Willow. Xander: Willow! (they walk) What are you doing here? Fly! Be free, little bird, you defy category! Willow: I'm looking for Buffy. Xander: Oh, she went with Giles about an hour ago. Some kind of field trip deal. Willow: If she doesn't get back soon, Snyder's really... (spots him on the stairs) ...done a great job with the fair this year, hasn't he, Xander? Xander: Principal Snyder! Great career fair, sir! Really! In fact, I'm so inspired by your leadership, I'm thinking principal school. I wanna walk in *your* shoes. Not your actual shoes, of course, because you're a tiny person. Not tiny in the small sense, of course. Okay, I'm done now. Snyder: Where is she? Willow: Who? Snyder: You know who. Willow: You mean Buffy? (looks around) I just saw her... Snyder: (interrupts) And don't feed me that 'I just saw her a minute ago, she's around here somewhere' story. Willow: But I did... just see her a minute ago, and she is... *around* here somewhere! Xander: For what it's worth... Snyder: (interrupts) It's worth nothing, Harris. Whatever comes out of your mouth is a meaningless waste of breath. An airborne toxic event. Xander: Well, I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to be so honest with me. And I can only hope that one day I'm in the position to be that honest with you. Snyder: Fascinating. (leaves) Xander: (to Willow) Well, love to stay and chat, but I got an appointment with the warden on standard riot procedure. Ciao. (walks off) Willow: Okay, see ya. Two recruiters in dark suits approach Willow. Recruiter: Willow Rosenberg? (she faces them) Come with us, please? Willow: Excuse me? Recruiter: Let's walk. The two men take her by the arms and guide her to a curtained-off area of the lounge. They pull the curtain aside for Willow. She steps through and they follow her, letting the curtain fall closed again behind them. A waiter in a white jacket and black bow tie holds an hors-d'oeuvre tray up for her. Recruiter: Try the canape'. It's excellent. Willow shakes her head to the waiter, and he immediately departs. Willow: What is all this? Recruiter: You've been selected to meet with Mr. McCarthy, head recruiter for the world's leading software concern. The jet was delayed by fog at Sea-Tac, but he should be here any minute. Please, (indicates the couch) make yourself comfortable. Willow: But I didn't even get my test back. Recruiter: The test was irrelevant. We've been tracking you for some time. Willow: Is that a good thing? Recruiter: I would think so. We're extremely selective. In fact, only one other Sunnydale student met our criteria. Without another word the two recruiters turn and leave through the curtain. Willow is a bit stunned, but stays and turns around to see who the other student is. Oz is sitting there on the couch studying another tray of canape'. She steps over to the couch and sits down on the other end. She folds her hands in her lap and looks over at Oz. He notices someone sit and turns to look. When he sees her he does a double take and realizes she's the girl he's noticed twice before. He looks down at the tray in his hand and offers it to her. Oz: Canape'? Cut to a cemetery entrance. Buffy swings open the metal gate and strides in, holding a flashlight. Giles is running to catch up with her. Giles: Buffy! Slow down! Please! Buffy: Giles, we have work to do, remember? Get with the program. Giles holds his chest as he breathes hard to catch his breath from running after her. They continue walking to the mausoleum. Giles: You're behaving remarkably im-immaturely. (pant) Buffy: You know why? I *am* immature. I'm a teen. I have yet to mature. Giles: I was (pant) simply offering some (pant) constructive criticism. (pant) Buffy: No! You were harsh! God, you act like I picked this gig. But remember, I'm the picked. Giles: What you have (pant) is more than (pant) a gig. (pant) It's a sacred duty. (pant) Which (pant) shouldn't prevent you from e-e- eventually procuring some (pant) more (pant) gainful f-f-form of employment. Uh-uh-uh, such as I did. Buffy: Uh, Giles, it's one thing to be a Watcher and a librarian. They go together like chicken and... another chicken, or... two chickens, or... something, you know what I'm saying! The point is, no one blinks an eye if you want to spend all your days with books. What am I supposed to do? Carve stakes for a nursery? Giles has gotten in front of her as they make their way past several gravestones. Giles: Um, point taken. I must, however, admit, I-I've never really... Well, now there's a thought, have you ever considered law enforcement? Buffy stops in her tracks as Giles turns to face her. She looks at him like he's crazy. A moment later her expression changes to exasperation, and she raises her flashlight and jerks it at the mausoleum behind him. Giles: What? (turns to look) Oh! They walk up the steps and go in. Cut inside. The chamber is bare except for two large stone vases and a pile of rubble on the floor. They come down the steps. Giles: May I? (reaches for the flashlight) Buffy: (hands it to him) Be my guest. He turns on the flashlight and walks over to where the wall has been broken into. Giles: It's a reliquary. Used to house items of religious significance. Most commonly a finger or some other body part from a saint. Buffy: Note to self: religion: freaky. She leans against the wall as Giles scans around the rest of the room with the flashlight. He spots a name engraved on a stone high above. Giles: Du Lac. Oh dear, oh dear. Buffy: I hate when you say that. Giles: Josephus du Lac was buried here. He belonged to a religious sect that was excommunicated by the Vatican at the turn of the century. Buffy: Excommunicated *and* sent to Sunnydale. There's a guy big with the sinning. Giles: You remember the book that was stolen from the library by a vampire a few weeks ago? Buffy: Yeah. Giles: It was written by Du Lac. Damn it! I let it slip my mind with all the excitement. Buffy: I'm guessing it wasn't a 'Taste of the Vatican' cookbook. They start out of the mausoleum. Giles: No, the, uh, book was said to contain rituals and spells that reap unspeakable evil. However, it was written in archaic Latin so that nobody but the sect members could understand it. Cut outside. Buffy: So, everything's cool then. Giles: It's not. First the book was taken from the library, and now the vampires have stolen something from Du Lac's tomb. Buffy: You think they figured out how to read the book? Giles: Something's coming, Buffy, and whatever it is, I can guarantee it's not good. Cut to the Sunnydale bus depot. The camera pans from the depot building to a bus just arriving as the announcement is being made. Announcement: Bus 219, continuing service to Los Angeles, now arriving in Sunnydale at the west gate. The doors of the bus open, and the passengers begin to file out. Cut to the bottom step of the bus. A pair of heavy steel-toed boots stops on the step. The camera pans up the man's body past his leather jacket and long hair to his face. A scar runs across his left eye, apparently blinded by an injury. He looks around and steps off of the bus. Cut to the street in front of the Summers house. A salesman comes walking along the street carrying a large case and eyes the 'Summers' nameplate hanging from their mailbox. He looks up at the house, but continues past to the next house and walks up to the front door. He knocks, and a woman answers. Norman: Mrs. Kalish? Mrs. Kalish: Yes? Norman: Hello, I'm Norman Pfister with (holds up the case) Blush Beautiful Skin Care. I'm not selling anything, so I'm not asking you to buy, just to accept a few free samples. Mrs. Kalish: (takes off her glasses) Free? Norman: Absolutely. Mrs. Kalish looks him up and down and nods him into her home. He walks in and she follows him, closing the door behind her. The camera closes in on the door, and Mrs. Kalish screams loudly. Cut to the airport. Mrs. Kalish's scream blends into the noise of a 747 flying overhead as it comes in for a landing. Cut to a view of the tarmac. Several jets are parked at their gates. Cut inside the cargo bay of a jet. The cargo door opens, and a baggage handler comes up the loading ramp and steps in. He notices that the cargo nets have been torn open, and takes off his headphones. Handler: What the hell? He looks closer and suspects someone's there. Handler: Hey, you're not supposed to be in here! He pulls out his flashlight and holds it ready to use as a club. Handler: Hey, c'mon! He walks in further, looking for whoever it is. He sees a shadow moving behind a baggage container. Suddenly a foot comes up and kicks him in the face, in the gut and again in the face. He falls onto his back unconscious. The person walks toward the cargo door and peeks out. It's a young Caribbean girl with long curly hair tied back and large hoop earrings. She makes her way out of the plane, keeping a careful watch for anyone who might see her. Cut to the school. Cut to the library. Willow, Buffy and Xander are sitting at the table. Willow: So Giles is sure that the vampire who stole his book is connected to the one you slayed last night? Or is it slew? Giles: (comes out of the stacks with a National Geographic magazine) Both are correct, and, yes, I'm sure. Du Lac was both a, a... a theologian and a mathematician. (comes down the stairs) This article describes an invention of his, which he called 'The Du Lac Cross'. Xander: So, why go to all the trouble of inventing something, and then giving it a weak name like that? I mean, I'da gone with 'The Cross-o- matic', or, uh, 'The Amazing Mr. Cross'. The girls just stare at him. He looks up at Giles and nods. Giles doesn't think his musings are funny either. Giles: The cross was more than a mere symbol, (hands the open magazine to Willow) it was used to understand certain mystical texts, to, uh, decipher hidden meanings and so forth. Buffy: So you're saying these vampires went to all this hassle for your basic decoder ring? Giles: (taken aback by the metaphor) Uh, actually, yes, I, I suppose I am. Willow: According to this, Du Lac destroyed every cross except the one buried with him. Buffy: Why destroy your own work? Giles: (paces) Perhaps he feared what might happen if it fell into the wrong hands. Xander: A fear we'll soon get to experience for ourselves up close and personal. Giles: U-unless we can preempt their plans. Willow: How? Giles: Uh, by learning what's in the book before they do. Which means we can expect to be here later tonight. (sits) Willow: (smiles broadly) Goody! Research party! Xander: Will, you need a life in the worst way. Buffy: (gets up) Speaking of, I really have to bail, but I promise I'll be back bright and early tomorrow and ready to slay. Giles: This is a matter of some urgency, Buffy. Buffy: I realize that. Well, you have to admit, I kinda lack in the book area. I mean, you guys are the brains, I'd only be here for moral support anyway. Xander: That's untrue, Buffy, you totally contribute. You go for snacks! Buffy looks to Willow for help. Willow: She *should* go. Y-y'know, gather her strength. Giles: Perhaps you're right. There may be fierce battles ahead. Buffy makes tracks for the door. Xander: But Ho-Hos are a vital part of my cognitive process! Buffy: (smiles back at him) Sorry, Xand. Someplace I have to be. Giles and Xander give each other a look. Cut to the ice skating rink. The place is empty except for Buffy skating gracefully by herself. She makes use of the whole rink, doing practiced turns and spins. A minute later Buffy skates quickly by the staging area, and the camera stops to focus on a stage panel begin pushed open. The one-eyed bounty hunter looks in at her. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The ice-skating rink. Buffy skates along, still by herself. She does a crouching maneuver, but wipes out and slides backward against the sidewall. As she starts to get up the bounty hunter reaches down, puts his arm around her neck and lifts her off of the ice. He lays her down on the railing and begins to choke her. Buffy tries to pry his hands from her throat as she struggles to breathe. Angel comes running across the ice, sporting his game face. Angel: Buffy! He leaps and tackles the bounty hunter, knocking him off of Buffy. She falls from the railing onto the ice with her knee. Angel lifts the bounty hunter to his feet and punches him in the face. The bounty hunter isn't fazed, and returns with a double-fisted punch to Angel's stomach, sending him back into the wall. Angel comes off the wall and jabs him in the face again, but the bounty hunter just shrugs it off. He punches Angel in the face and gut, making him stagger into the wall again. The bounty hunter grabs Angel by the throat and lifts him up. Buffy comes skating toward them at a fast pace. The bounty hunter turns to face her. She grabs a net that's hanging there and uses it to swing up with her foot and h*t him in the throat with the blade of her skate, crushing his trachea. He lets go of Angel and grabs his own neck, unable to breathe. He takes a few steps onto the ice and collapses there, d*ad. Cut to Drusilla's bed. She takes the tarot card of the Cyclops and turns it over. Drusilla: He's passing under our feet right now. Spike: No worries. We're close to decoding the manuscript. We just need a bit more time. Drusilla: Time is ours. It brings the Slayer closer to them. The camera pans from the face down card over to the other two, still turned face up. Cut to the skating rink. Buffy rubs her knee. Angel crouches over the bounty hunter and lifts his hand to inspect his ring. Buffy: The Hellmouth presents: d*ad Guys On Ice. Not exactly the evening we were aiming for. Angel looks closely at the ring. Angel: You're in danger. You know what the ring means? Buffy: I just k*lled a Super Bowl champ? Angel: (annoyed) I'm serious! You should go home and wait until you hear from me. He drops the bounty hunter's hand and stands up. He still has his game face on. Buffy skates over to him. Angel: Are you okay? She puts her gloved hand on his cheek and sees the cut above his eye. Buffy: What about you? That cut! (lowers her hand) Angel: Forget about me. This is bad, Buffy. We gotta get you outta here. Buffy: What, you mean hide? Angel: Let's just get you someplace safe! Buffy: No! Your eye! She reaches back up to him and he shakes her off. Buffy: Hey! Don't be a baby. I'm not gonna hurt you. Angel: It's not that. I... Buffy: What? Angel: You shouldn't have to touch me when I'm like this. She looks up into his vampire features. Buffy: Oh. She removes her glove and reaches up to touch his brow and his wound, brushing gently across and down his cheek. Buffy: I didn't even notice. She moves closer to kiss him. He responds, and they kiss gently. The kiss becomes more passionate as she reaches her hand behind his neck to draw him closer. Off to the side the girl from the airport walks up and stops, observing their kiss. Angel puts his arms around Buffy, and she rises up onto the tips of her skates to get even closer. Cut to the library. Giles inspects the ring under a magnifying lamp. Buffy is sitting on the steps holding an icepack to her knee. Willow and Xander are at the table. Buffy: This guy was hard-core, Giles. And Angel was power-freaked by that ring. Giles: I'm afraid he was not overreacting. This ring is worn only by members of the Order of Taraka. It's a society of deadly assassins dating back to King Solomon. (sits) Xander: And didn't they b*at the Elks this year in the Sunnydale adult bowling league championships? Giles: Their credo is to sow discord and k*ll the unwary. Xander: Bowling is a vicious game. Giles: (very annoyed) That's enough, Xander! Xander looks down in shame. Buffy and Willow look concerned and upset. Giles: Sorry. It's just not the time for jokes. I need to think. (takes off his glasses) Buffy: These assassins, why are they after me? Willow: 'Cause you're the scourge of the underworld? Buffy: I haven't been that scourgey lately. Giles: (rubbing his eyes) I don't know, I don't know. (exhales) I think the best thing we can do is to find a secure location. Somewhere out of the way you can go until we decide on the best course of action. Buffy: (gets up) Okay, now you and Angel have both said to head for the hills. Are you saying I can't handle this, that I'm not strong enough to fight these people? Giles: They're a breed apart, Buffy. U-unlike vampires they have no earthly desires, (Willow listens in shock) but to collect their bounty. They find a target, and, uh... they eliminate it. (Buffy absorbs this solemnly) You can k*ll as many of them as you like, it won't make any difference. Where there's one, there will be another, and another. They won't stop coming until the job is done. Cut to a view of Buffy's house through binoculars from Mrs. Kalish's house. Giles: Each one of them works alone. Cut to Norman looking through his binoculars. Giles: His own way. Cut to the floor. Mrs. Kalish is lying there d*ad. A trail of mealworms leads from her over to Norman sitting in a chair. Giles: Some are human, some... a-are not. Y-you won't know who they are until they strike. Norman takes the binoculars from his eyes. There are mealworms crawling over his shoes. His hand and part of his forearm are missing, and the mealworms crawl all over it. They quickly form a hand, and it takes on the appearance of human skin. He reaches over to a cup of tea and lifts it to take a sip. Cut to the halls at school. Buffy is wigged and tense as she walks down the hall. She holds her hands to the back of her neck and shoulders. She jumps when a boy barges through the doors in the hall in front of her. She walks through the doors and scans the students in the hall, paranoid about them looking at her. The police recruiter looks at her, and she stares back. A teacher comes down the stairs in front of her and looks at her as he runs a comb through his hair. Several students walk past her, giving her the occasional glance. Behind her Oz comes walking at a quick pace. She hears a locker slam behind her and spins toward the noise, notices Oz quickly bearing down on her, takes him by the neck and shoves him into the wall. Buffy: Try it! Oz: (confused) Try what? She realizes she's made a mistakes and lets go of his neck. Buffy: Uh... (exhales) I-I'm sorry. Oz: Still not clear what I'm supposed to try. Buffy: Nothing. God, I'm... sorry, I... She steps away from him, looks both ways down the hall and quickly heads off in the direction she was going. Oz moves away from the wall and shudders. Oz: That is a tense person. Cut to Buffy's street at night. Buffy walks home alone, arms crossed and scanning the area around her. When she reaches her house she stops and just stares at it. She thinks better of going inside, looks around again and continues on. Cut to the library. Giles walks out of his office cleaning his glasses. Willow is sitting at the counter going through a volume. Willow: I wish there was more we could do. Giles: We're doing all that we can. (puts on his glasses) The only course of action is to try and find out what was in that stolen book. (reads a card from the catalog) Willow: I've never seen Buffy like that. She just took off. Xander: (coming in) Well, she didn't go home. I let the phone ring a few hundred times before I remembered her mom is out of town. Giles: Well, maybe Buffy unplugged the phone. Xander: No, it's a statistical impossibility for a sixteen-year-old girl to unplug her phone. Willow nods in agreement. Giles: Well, perhaps my words of caution were... a little too alarming. Xander: (with heavy sarcasm) Ya think? Willow: It's good that she took you seriously, Giles. I just wish we knew where she was. Cut to the hall outside Angel's apartment. Buffy comes down the stairs and walks over to his door. There's no answer when she knocks. Buffy: Angel? She tries the doorknob, but it's locked. Cut inside. She twists the knob hard, breaking it and opening the door. She slowly comes in, has a look around and closes the door. She turns on the lights. The apartment is sparsely furnished. A modern desk strewn with papers is against the far wall with a dozen old pictures hanging on the wall around it. The floor is bare concrete, and her heels click quietly as she slowly walks over to an ivory statue enclosed in a glass display case. She looks at it a moment before going on. She looks around as she continues, and passes an elegant antique armoire. Finally she finds his unmade bed, and slowly goes over to it and sits down. She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, weary from the day's events. A moment later she lays herself down on the bed, resting her head on his pillow and curling up. She hugs her arms close to her heart and falls asleep. Cut to a sleazy bar. Willy is sweeping up the place after hours. Angel appears in the shadow of the doorway. Willy: We're closed! Can't you read the sign? Angel steps into the light. Willy: Oh, uh... hey, Angel. I didn't recognize you in the dark there. What, uh... what can I do for you tonight? Angel: I need some information. Willy: Yeah? Man, that's too bad, 'cause... I'm stayin' away from that whole scene. I'm livin' right, Angel. Angel slowly walks past the booths over to the pinball machine. Angel: Sure you are, Willy. And I'm taking up sunbathing. Willy: C'mon, man. Don't be that way! I-I treat you vamps good! I-I-I-I don't hassle you, you don't hassle me... We all enjoy the patronage of this establishment. Everybody's happy, right? Angel: Who sent them? Willy: Who sent who? Angel: (stops at the pinball machine) The Order of Taraka. Willy: I-I... I tell ya, I haven't been in the loop. Angel: Let's try again. The Order of Taraka, they're after the Slayer. (crosses over to the bar) Willy: C'mon, man. Angel: Was it Spike? (steps toward Willy) Willy: Look, Angel, I-I got some good pigs' blood in, good stuff, my fence said... Angel grabs Willy and smacks his head into the bar. Willy knocks a half- empty pitcher of beer onto the floor. Angel presses down hard on Willy's head with his hand. Willy: Damn it! Ah... Angel: You know, I'm a little rusty when it comes to k*lling humans. It could take a while. Willy: Oh, Spike will draw and quarter me, man! Angel: I'll take care of Spike. Willy: You know he ordered those guys! Spike's sick of your girl getting in his way! Angel: Where can I find him? Willy: I tell you that, I'm gonna need relocating expenses! It'll cost you! Angel: (presses harder) It'll cost who? Willy: Okay! Okay! He and that freaky chick of his are... He is interrupted by someone kicking Angel in the face. Angel falls back onto the floor dazed and looks up at his attacker. It's the girl from the airport. She grabs Willy's broom, breaks the end of the handle off and att*cks Angel with the makeshift stake. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ Willy's bar. Angel rolls out of the way of the girl's thrust. Willy takes the opportunity to flee the bar. Angel is up again, and he ducks a swing from her. She tries a direct thrust, which Angel just pushes aside, but she follows it up with a punch to the face from her other hand and uses her momentum to spin around for a roundhouse kick, knocking him through the door into the back room. He crashes into several cases of beer. When he gets back up he's vamped out. The girl charges him with the stake held above her head in both hands. He blocks her charge with his arms and twists her arms down, forcing her to drop the stake, and shoves her into a bank of lockers. He tries to knock her legs out from under her, but her footing is firm and she kicks him in the back, knocking him down instead. Once down he tries kicking again, and this time makes her fall. She grabs his shirt, pulls him up a bit and kicks him in the face. They both scramble to their feet. Angel swings and misses. He swings the other way, but she blocks it and punches him three times in the gut and then a right hook to his jaw. She shoves him into the door of the cage. He bounces off of it and she kicks him in the chest, making him stumble backward through the cage door and into a bunch of empty water bottles. Several cans fall onto him from a shelf above. She looks at him with cold eyes as he recovers from his fall. Angel: Who are you? If you tell me what I need to know I won't hurt you. She laughs as she steps back. Angel: You think this is funny? She swings closed the cage door and sets the bolt. Angel scrambles to his feet and slams up against the door. Kendra: I tink it is funny now. Dat girl. De one I saw you wit before? Angel: You stay away from her. Kendra: I'm afraid you are not in a position to treaten. Angel: When I get outta here I'll do more than thr*at! Kendra: Den I suggest ya move quickly. (looks up at the windows) Eastern exposure. De sun will be comin' in a few hours. (padlocks the cage) More dan enough time for me to find your girlfriend. Angel screams in anger and slams the cage with his hand. Cut to the library after sunrise. Giles is at his desk studying a book while holding the phone, waiting for Xander to answer. Giles: Xander? (pauses) No, no, I-I haven't heard from Buffy yet. Look, look, I-I-I think you should go to her house and check on her. (pauses) Well, ri-right a, right away. (pauses) I-I-I don't know, get Cordelia to drive you. He hangs up without waiting for a response. He picks up the book he's reading and heads back into the main room with it. There he sees Willow asleep in front of the PC with her head resting on the keyboard. He closes his book, crouches slightly and gently places his hand on her shoulder to wake her. Giles: (quietly) Willow? Willow wakes with a start and sits bolt upright. Willow: Don't warn the tadpoles! Giles: Are you alright? Willow: Giles, what are you doing here? Giles: It's the library, Willow. You fell asleep. Willow: (looks around) Oh! I... Giles: Don't warn the tadpoles? Willow: (groggy) I... I have frog fear. Giles: Oh. Willow: I'm sorry. I conked out. Giles: What? Please. You've gone quite beyond the call of duty. (sits) But, but, I-I... uh, fortunately, I think I may have found something finally. Willow: You did? Giles: I-I found a-a description of the missing Du Lac manuscript. It's a ritual, Willow. Now, I-I, uh... (gets up to pace) I haven't managed to decipher the exact details, but I-I... I believe the purpose is to restore a weak and sick vampire back to full health. Willow: A vampire like Drusilla? Giles: Exactly. Cut to Drusilla's room. Dalton slams the Du Lac manuscript shut and hands Spike his handwritten pages of translation. Spike looks at it, reads a bit and smiles. Spike: By George, I think he's got it! (walks to Drusilla in bed) The key to your cure, ducks. The missing bloody link, it was... Drusilla: (weakly) ...Right, right in front of us... the whole time. She takes Spike's hand and pulls it down to her deck of tarot cards. The top card is a picture of an angel. Cut to the street in front of Buffy's house. Xander and Cordelia walk up to her house. Cordelia: I can't even believe you. You dragged me out of bed for a ride? What am I, mass transportation? Xander: That's what a lot of the guys say, but it's just locker room talk. I wouldn't pay it any mind. Cordelia: Oh, great, so now I'm your taxi *and* your punching bag. Xander: I like to think of you more as my witless foil, but have it your way. He takes the steps up to the porch and knocks on the door. He looks in through the glass. Xander: Buffy! When he doesn't see anyone stirring inside he walks over to the window. Xander: C'mon, Cordelia. You wanna be a member of the Scooby g*ng you gotta be willing to be inconvenienced every now and then. (tries a window) Cordelia: Oh, right, 'cause I lie awake at night hoping you tweakos will be my best friends. Xander tries another window. Cordelia: And that my first husband will be a balding, demented homeless man. Xander: (gets the window open) Buffy could be in trouble. (steps through the window) Cordelia: And what if she is exactly? What are you gonna do about it? In case you haven't noticed, (he opens the door for her) you're the lameness and she's the super chick, or whatever. Xander: Well, at least I'm the lameness who cares, which is more than I can say about you. (into the house) Buffy! I'm gonna check upstairs. Cordelia comes in and closes the door behind her. Xander climbs the stairs. Xander: Buffy? Cordelia spins her keys around as she walks into the living room and looks around. She hears a knocking at the door and goes to answer it. When she opens it Norman is standing there. Norman: Good day. I'm Norman Pfister with Blush Beautiful (holds up his case) Skin Care and Cosmetics. I was wondering if I might interest you in some free samples? Cordelia: (smiles) Free? She steps aside to admit him and closes the door. Cut to the back room at the bar. Sunlight is streaming through the window and is starting to shine into the cage. Angel slams against the door, trying to break it open, but can't get it to budge. He tries prying at the top, but no luck. He pushes against the door again. Cut to Angel's apartment. Buffy is sleeping on his bed. She stirs and wakes. She hears a noise, opens her eyes to look up and immediately rolls to the far side of the bed as a hatchet strikes the pillow where her head was. It's Kendra, and she swings again and hits the mattress when Buffy sidesteps the blow. Buffy does a flip over Kendra's back and onto the floor behind her, ready to fight. Buffy: You must be number two!

{"type": "series", "show": "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "episode": "02x09 - What's My Line Part 1"}

foreverdreaming

~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~ In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. Angel's apartment. Buffy and Kendra are faced off, ready to continue their fight. Buffy: (out of breath) Okay, one more time. You're the who?! Kendra: I'm de Slayer. Buffy: Nice cover story. But here's a tip: you might wanna try it on someone who's not the real Slayer. Kendra: Ya can't stop me! Even if ya k*ll me, anodder Slayer will be sent to take me place. Buffy: Could you stop with the Slayer thing? I'm the damn Slayer! Kendra: Nonsense! Dere is but one, and I am she. Buffy: Okay, (sniffs) a scenario. (holds up her hand) You back off, I'll back off, but you promise not to go all wiggy until we can go to my Watcher and figure this out. Kendra: Wiggy? Buffy: You know. No kick-o, no fight-o? Kendra considers the offer a moment, then relaxes her stance and crosses her arms. Kendra: I accept your scenario. Buffy: So. You were sent here? Kendra: Yes, by my Watcher. Buffy: To do what, exactly? Kendra: To do my duty. I am here to k*ll vampires. Cut to the back room at Willy's bar. The camera pans from the window over to the cage. The sunlight has advanced past the cage door and is only about three feet from the far wall. Angel is crouched in the far corner, cowering and afraid. He looks up at the light coming through the window. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Kendra stands at attention as Giles paces. Buffy just leans on a chair with her left hand and has her right hand on her hip. Giles: And your Watcher is, i-is Sam Zabuto, you say? Kendra: Yes, sir. Giles: We've never met, but he, he's, he's very well-respected. Buffy: What, so he's a real guy? As in non-fictional? Giles: And you are called...? Kendra: I am de Vampire Slayer. Buffy: We got that part, hon. He means your name. Kendra: Oh. Dey call me Kendra. I have no last name, sir. Buffy: (haughty) Can you say 'stuck in the 80's'? Giles: Buffy, please. Uh, there's obviously some, some misunderstanding here. Willow comes bouncing into the library with a smile on her face. Kendra marches around Buffy to intercept her. Willow: (greets them) Hey! Kendra: Identify yourself! Willow is taken aback and her smile fades to a frown. Buffy: Back off, pink ranger! This is my friend. Kendra: Friend? Buffy: Yeah. As in person you hang with? Amigo? Kendra: I don't understand. Buffy: (to Giles, exasperated) You try. I'm tapped. (sits) Giles: Uh-uh, Kendra, uh, there are a-a-a few people, uh, ci-civilians if you like, who, who know Buffy's identity. Willow is one of them, a-a- and they also, um, spend time together, uh, socially. Kendra: And you allow dis, sir? Giles: Well, uh... Kendra: But de Slayer must work in secret for security. Giles: Of course, uh, but, uh, with Buffy, however, it-it's, um, some flexibility is required. Buffy gives Giles a look. Kendra: Why? Willow: (confused) Hi, guys. W-what's goin' on? (goes to sit across from Buffy) Buffy: Apparently there's been a really big mix-up. Giles: Uh, it seems somehow that, uh, another Slayer has been sent to Sunnydale. Willow: Is that even possible? I mean, two Slayers at the same time? Giles: Not to my knowledge. Um, th-the new Slayer is only called after the previous Slayer has died. Uh... (realizes) Oh, good Lord! You were d*ad, Buffy. Buffy: I was only gone for a minute. Giles: Clearly it doesn't matter how long you were gone. You were physically d*ad! Thus causing the activation of the, the next Slayer. (nods toward Kendra) Kendra: She died? Buffy: Just a little. Giles: She drowned, but she was revived. Willow: So there really are two of them! Giles: It would seem so. This is completely unprecedented! I'm quite flummoxed. (sits) Buffy: What's the flum? It's a mistake, she isn't supposed to be here, she goes home! (to Kendra) Look, no offense, I really don't mean this personally, but I'm not d*ad, and frankly having you around creeps me out just a little bit. Kendra: I cannot just leave. I was sent here for a reason. Mr. Zabuto said all de signs indicate dat a very dark power is about to rise in Sunnydale. Buffy: (gets up) And what's your great plan for finding this dark power? You just gonna att*ck people randomly till you find a bad one? Kendra: Of course not. Buffy: Then why the hell did you att*ck me? Kendra: I tought you were a vampire. Buffy: Oh, a swing and a miss for the rookie. (walks around Kendra to Willow) Kendra: I had good reason to tink you were. Did I not see you kissing a vampire? Willow: (stands up in her defense) Buffy would never do that! (realizes) Oh. (to Buffy) Except for that sometimes you do that. (to Kendra) But only with Angel. (to Buffy) Right? (sits again) Buffy: Yes! Right. (to Kendra) Look, you saw me with Angel, and he is a vampire, but he's good. Kendra: Angel? You mean Angelus? I've read about him. He is a monster. Giles: No, no, no, he's, he's good now. Willow: (smiles) Really! Buffy: He had a gypsy curse. Kendra: He has a what? Buffy: Y'know what, just trust me on this one, okay? He's on the home team now. Kendra: I cannot believe you. He looked to me just like anodder animal when I... Buffy: When you what? (confronts her) What did you do to him? Kendra: I... Buffy: What did you do?! Cut to the back room of Willy's bar. Angel leans against the back wall, weakened by the ambient light. Willy comes in and looks at him. He opens the cage door and walks in. He uses his body to shade Angel from the direct sunlight and drags him out of the cage and into another storage room. There he opens a hatch in the floor to the sewers below and drops Angel down into the shallow water. Angel is too weak to get up on his own. Willy lowers himself through the hatch and drops to the water, too. He's unhappy about the fact that his shoes have just been ruined. Spike walks into the light from the shadows. Willy: There you go, friend. He'll be as good as new in a day or so. Two of Spike's thugs arrive to drag Angel away. Willy holds up his hands to stop them. Willy: Uh, hey, wai-wait. We had a deal, right? Spike: (pulls out a wad of cash) What's the matter, Willy? Don't you trust me? (starts handing him bills) Willy: Oh, yeah. Like a brother. Spike slaps him across the cheek. Spike: Talk and I'll have your guts for garters. Willy: Wild horses couldn't drag it. Spike holds up the last bill, crumbles it and drops it into the water. Spike: Oops! Sorry, friend. Willy bends over to pick up the bill as the two thugs grab Angel and drag him off. Willy: What are you gonna do with him anyway? Spike: I'm thinkin' maybe dinner and a movie. I don't want to rush into anything. I've been hurt, you know. He follows his g*ons down the sewer. Willy counts his money again. Cut to Buffy's house. Cut to the foyer. Norman's case is open and Cordelia is going through the samples. Cordelia: Do you have anything in raisin? I know you wouldn't think so, but I'm both a winter and a summer. Norman: Nine ninety-nine, tax included. Cordelia: You said that already. Do you have anything in the berry family? Norman: Are there more ladies in the house? Cordelia: Oh, no, they're not home. (faces him) You know, nothing personal, but maybe you should look into selling dictionaries, or... some... She sees a mealworm crawl out of his sleeve and onto his hand. Xander comes back down the stairs and sees Norman. Cordelia slowly backs away from him. Xander: Hey, what's up? Cordelia: Um, he's a salesman, and he was just leaving, right? Uh, okay! Buh-bye! Thank you! Xander: (reaches up to guide him out) Okay, Mary Kay, time to... Another mealworm crawls across Norman's cheek and into his right ear. Xander backs away. Xander: Time to run! He breaks into a run, guiding Cordelia away with him as Norman transforms into a mass of mealworms. They quickly crawl across the floor. Xander and Cordelia run into the kitchen for the back door, but Norman is already there, reassembled and waiting for them. Cordelia screams, and Xander grabs her hand and pulls her back into the hall. They open the door to the basement and hurry in, closing the door behind them. The mealworms try to come under the door, but they stomp on them. Xander: Find something to cover the crack under the door! He grabs a broom and sweeps the mealworms back under the door with it. Cordelia: Uhh... (finds a roll of duct tape) Here! I don't do worms. He gives her an exasperated look, grabs the roll from her and shoves the broom into her hands. Xander: Cover me! She sweeps at the mealworms while he pulls a length of tape off of the roll and sticks it to the bottom of the door. Cordelia: Eww! Eh! Eh! Cut to the back room of Willy's bar. Buffy barges through the door. Buffy: Angel?! Kendra walks into the cage where she left him and looks around. Kendra: No ashes. Buffy: What? Kendra: When a vampire combusts, he leaves ashes. Buffy: Yeah, I know the drill. Kendra: So I did not k*ll him. Buffy: And I don't need to k*ll *you*. Willy shows up at the door. Willy: Whoa! There's a lotta tension in this room. Kendra att*cks him and pushes him out of the back room and onto the floor. Buffy: Doesn't anyone just say 'hello' where you come from? Kendra turns Willy over on the floor and grabs him by the shirt, ready to punch. Kendra: Dis one is dirty! I can *feel* it! Buffy: That's really good for you, Percepto Girl, (lifts him up) but we're not gonna get anything out of him if he's, oh, say, (slams him into the bar) unconscious. (to Willy) Where's Angel? Willy: My buddy Angel? You think I'd let him fry? I saved him in the nick! He was about five minutes away from being a crispy critter. Buffy: Where'd he go? Willy: Uh, he said he was gonna stay underground. You know, recuperate. Buffy: Are you telling me the truth? Willy: I swear on my mother's grave! Should something fatal happen to her, God forbid. Kendra: Den he is alright. We can return to your Watcher for our orders. Buffy: (lets go of Willy) I don't take orders. I do things my way. Kendra: No wonder you died. Buffy: (ignores the comment) Let's go. They start to leave. Willy steps away from the bar. Willy: I, I have to ask. (the girls looks back) Has either of you girls considered modeling? I have a friend with a camera? Strictly high-class nude work. You know, art photographs. But naked. Buffy and Kendra exchange a look and just walk out without a word. Willy: You don't have to answer right away. Cut to Drusilla's bed. She's asleep. Spike bends over her and strokes her hair. She wakes. Drusilla: (moans) I was dreaming. Spike: Of what, pet? Drusilla: We were in Paris. You had a branding iron. Spike: I brought you something. He goes over to the stairs and picks Angel up from the landing. Drusilla: And there were worms in my baguette. Spike: (drags Angel in) Your sire, my sweet. (dumps him on the floor) Drusilla: My Angel? Spike: (comes back to the bed) The one and only. Now all we need's the full moon tonight, and he will die, and you will be fully restored. (takes her hand, whispers) My black goddess. (kisses her hand) My ripe, (works his way up her arm) wicked plum. (raises his head) It's been... Drusilla: Forever. They kiss passionately. Angel watches from the floor, all tied up and gagged. He strains against his bonds. They break off their kiss. Drusilla: Spike, let me have him. Hmm? Until the moon. Spike: (smiles) Alright, you can play, but don't k*ll him. He mustn't die till the ritual. Drusilla: Bring him to me. Spike picks Angel up from the floor and forces him over to Drusilla. She grabs him by the chin and looks him in the eye. Drusilla: You've been a very bad daddy. She slaps him across the face. Angel is powerless to do anything. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ Sunnydale High. Giles, Kendra, Willow and Buffy come down the outside stairs and head into the halls. Giles: Kendra, I-I've, uh, conferred with your Watcher, Mr. Zabuto, and, uh, we both agree that, uh, until this matter with Spike and Drusilla has been resolved that you two should work together. Buffy: Oh, that'll be a treat. Kendra: So, you believe dat Spike is attempting to revive dis Drusilla to health? Giles: Yes, well, I-I-I-I think that's the, uh, the dark power that your, your Watcher re-referred to. You see, uh, you see Drusilla's not only evil, she's, uh, well, she's also quite mad, and-and-and-and if she's restored to her full health, then, uh, well, there's no, absolutely no telling what she might do. Kendra: Den we will stop Spike. Buffy: Ooo, good plan, let's go, charge! Giles: Buffy... Buffy: It's a little more complicated than that, John Wayne. Giles: Yes, I'm, I'm afraid it is. You see, Spike has also called out the Order of Taraka to keep Buffy out of the way. Kendra: De assassins? I read of dem in de writings of Dramius. Giles: Oh, really? W-w-which volume? They exit the hall and walk along the colonnade. Kendra: I believe it was six, sir. Buffy: Um, how do you know all this? Kendra: From me studies. Buffy: So, obviously you have a lot of free time. Kendra: I study because it is required. (Giles smiles) The Slayer handbook insists on it. Willow: There's a Slayer handbook? Buffy: Wait. Handbook? What handbook? How come I don't have a handbook? Willow: Is there a T-shirt, too? (gets a look from Buffy) 'Cause that would be cool... (rolls her eyes) Giles: After meeting you, Buffy, I realized that, uh, the handbook would be of no use in your case. Buffy: Well, what do you mean it would be of no use in my case? Wha- what's wrong with my case? Giles: Uh, Kendra, um, perhaps you'd like to show me the, the part in, uh, Dramius Six where, uh, uh, where it refers to the Order of Taraka. Really, I-I, I seem to have never been able to get through that book. It was a bit stodgy. Kendra: (smiles) It was difficult. All dose footnotes. Giles and Kendra laugh out loud. Buffy: (to Willow) Hello, and welcome to planet pocket protector. Giles: Oh, well, B-Buffy, Principal Snyder was snooping round after you. Buffy: (stops) Eee. Career fair. Giles: Best make an appearance, I think. Buffy: Right. Kendra: Buffy's a student here? Giles: Yes. Kendra: Riiight, of course. And I imagine she's a cheerleader as well. Giles: Oh, no, well, a-a-actually she had to give up her cheerleading. (gets a look from Kendra) Uh, it was quite an amusing story, actually. Uh, uh, let's go and find the book, shall we? The two of them head off to the library. Buffy and Willow continue their walk. Buffy: Get a load of the she-Giles. Willow: Creepy. Buffy: Ew. I'll bet Giles wishes I was more of a book geek. Willow: Giles is enough of a book geek for the both of you. Buffy: Yeah, but did you see how they were vibing? (mocks them) Volume six, ha, ha, ha! Willow: Buffy, no one could replace you. You'll always be Giles' favorite. Buffy: I wonder. Willow: Of course, you will. You're *his* Slayer. The *real* Slayer. Buffy: No. I wonder if it would be so bad, being replaced. Willow: You mean, like, letting Kendra take over? Buffy: Maybe. I mean, maybe after this thing with Spike and the assassins is over, I could say, 'Kendra, you slay, I'm going to Disneyland.' Willow: But not forever, right? Buffy: No, Disneyland would get boring after a few months. But I could do other stuff. Career day stuff. Maybe I could even have a normal life. Cut to Buffy's basement. Cordelia is pacing. Xander: Could you sit down, or change your pattern or something? You're making me queasy. Cordelia: (leans on the washer) Because you're just sitting there. You should be thinking up a *plan*. Xander: I have a plan. We wait. Buffy saves us. Cordelia: How will she even know where to find us? Xander: Cordelia, this is Buffy's house. Odds are she'll find us. Cordelia: Well, what if she doesn't? What am I supposed to do? Just waste away down here with you? Haw, haw, no thank you! (makes tracks for the stairs) Xander: (gets up to stop her) What are you doin'? Cordelia: (stops and faces him) Going to see if he's gone! Xander: That's brilliant! What if he isn't? Cordelia: Oh, right! You think we should just slack here and hope that somebody else *decides* to be a hero? (goes back to the washer) Sorry, forgot I was stranded with a LOSER! (leans and crosses her arms) Xander: And yet I never forgot that I'm stuck with the numb-brain that let Mr. Mutant in the house in the FIRST PLACE! Cordelia: HE LOOKED NORMAL! Xander: What, is he supposed to have an arrow with the word 'assassin' over his head?! All it took was the prospect of a free makeover, and you licked his hand like a big, dumb dog! Cordelia: You know what? (heads for the stairs again) I'm going. Xander just raises his eyebrows, ready to let her go. She stops at the foot of the stairs and faces him again. Cordelia: I'd rather be worm food than look at *your* pathetic face! Xander: Then go! I'm not stopping ya! Cordelia: I bet you wouldn't! I bet you'd let a girl go off to her doom all by herself! Xander: Not just any girl. (nods) You're special. Cordelia: I can't believe that I'm stuck spending what will probably be my last few moments on Earth here WITH YOU! Xander: I *hope* these are my last few moments! Three more seconds with you, and I'm gonna... (steps closer) Cordelia: (steps closer) I'm gonna what? Coward! Xander: Moron! Cordelia: I *hate* you! Xander: I HATE YOU! They look at each other for another second before grabbing each other and engaging in a mad, passionate kiss. It goes on for several seconds before they suddenly release each other and look at each other in surprise. Xander: We *so* need to get outta here. Cordelia: (nods) Mm-hm! She rushes up the stairs with Xander right behind. They stop at the top, crouch down and give each other anxious looks. Xander grabs one end of the tape and pulls it off. There aren't any worms on the other side. Xander moves the broom aside and opens the door slowly. They both look out into the hall for any sign of the mealworms. Cordelia: He's gone. Xander steps out and peeks around the corner down the hall to the dining room. The coast looks clear, so Xander makes a dash for the front door. Cordelia follows a moment later, and when she comes through the dining room door mealworms begin falling onto her from the ceiling. She screams as they fall on her en masse and runs for the door. Cut outside. Xander throws the door open and dashes into the front yard. Cordelia follows him out, screaming. Cordelia: Xander, oh my God! Get them off of me! Xander turns to look. Cordelia: Get 'em off! He runs for the hose. Cordelia: (terrified) Get 'em off of me! Oh, my God, get 'em off me! (screams) Xander grabs the hose and starts spraying the mealworms off of her. She keeps screaming and turns her back to him, then her front again. He keeps spraying as she tries to brush them off. She turns around again to let him spray her back again and reaches down the back of her dress to get some mealworms out. She turns back around. Cordelia: Okay, okay, let's get outta here! Xander, let's go! He keeps spraying her in spite of her protests. Cordelia: Okay! Let's go! She runs for her car. Xander follows her with the hose for another instant, then drops it and follows her. Cut to a close-up of her license plate, "QUEEN C". She floors it, and they burn rubber into the street. Further down the block she screeches round the corner. Cut to the halls at the school. Buffy and Willow stroll along past the career fair displays. Buffy: My tests say that I should look into law enforcement -- duh! -- and environmental design. Willow: Environmental design. That's landscaping, right? Buffy: I checked the 'shrub' box. But landscaping was yesterday, so law enforcement it is. They stop near the steps to the couches in the lounge. Buffy looks around and notices Oz looking over at Willow. Buffy: (to Willow) Hey, Will, don't look, okay, but... (Willow looks) No, don't look! (smiles) That guy over there is totally checking you out. Willow: (looks with her eyes) Oh, that's Oz. He's expressing computer nerd solidarity. Oz gets up and starts to walk over. Buffy: Really? Then why is he on his way over here right now? Willow is surprised when she sees him coming. Buffy: Told you! (makes a discreet exit) Oz: Hey. Willow: (smiles) Hey! (notices) Your hair! Is brown! Oz: Oh, yeah, sometimes. So, uh, did you decide? Are you gonna be a Corporate Computer Suit Guy? Willow: Oh. Uh, well, I-I think I'm gonna finish high school first. What about you? Oz: I'm not really a computer person, you know. Or a work of any kind person. Willow: They why'd they select you? Oz: Oh, I sorta test well. Y'know, which is cool. E-except that it leads to jobs. Willow: Well, don't you have some ambition? Oz: Oh, yeah! Yeah. E-flat, diminished ninth. Willow: Huh? Oz: Well, the E-flat, it's, it's doable, but that diminished ninth, y'know, it's a man's chord. Now, you could lose a finger. Willow nods, pretending to understand. Cut to Buffy. She signs up at the law enforcement table and joins the group. Patrice, the recruitment officer, picks up the clipboard and looks it over. Patrice: Alright, listen up, and answer when I call your name. Buffy Summers. Buffy raises her hand. Patrice calmly puts the clipboard back down. Quickly she draws her g*n and aims it at Buffy. Buffy reacts in a flash and pushes the recruiter's hands and w*apon up into the air as the first round goes off. Panic sets in throughout the hall, and people start to run and duck for cover. Buffy keeps struggling with the officer, and another round goes into the ceiling. She knees her in the gut, and she drops the g*n and falls to the floor. Buffy starts to run as Patrice gets to her knees and pulls out her backup g*n. Another b*llet flies at Buffy as she dives over a table. She stands up again and looks around at everyone. Buffy: GET DOWN! She starts to run again, right past Oz and Willow. Patrice follows Buffy with her aim. Oz: LOOK OUT! He lunges for Willow and pulls her to the floor with him, but takes the next b*llet meant for Buffy in the arm. Patrice keeps following Buffy with her g*n and sh**t off the cranium of a skeleton. Buffy has disappeared down the hall, and the police recruiter carefully makes her way to the wall to peek around it down the hall. She doesn't see her, but senses that she's there, and decides to go to the other end of the wall to come around the other side. The camera pans to the other side where Buffy is leaning against the wall, breathing hard and waiting for Patrice to make her next move. When she is about to come around the other corner, Buffy leaps over a table and tackles her to the floor. She drops her backup g*n and it slides away. Buffy gets to her feet and adopts a fighting stance. Patrice gets back to her knees, pulls out her small ankle backup and aims it at Buffy as she stands back up. Before she can get off a round Kendra kicks the g*n out of her hands. She follows it up with a kick to Patrice's face, making her fall flat on her back. She makes her stand next to Buffy. Patrice grabs Jonathon as a hostage, pulls out a short blade and thr*at him with it. The two girls watch her slowly back toward the door at the end of the hall with the boy in tow. Halfway there she drops Jonathon and makes a dash for the door. Kendra doesn't hesitate to give chase. Buffy rushes over to Oz and Willow and kneels down next to them. Oz is holding his arm. Buffy: How is he? Willow: He's sh*t! (to Oz) Are you okay? Oz: I, uh, I'm sh*t! (takes his hand away briefly and chuckles) Y'know. (laughs) Wow! It's odd! And painful. Buffy gets up again when Kendra shows back up. Kendra: She's gone. Jonathon: W-was that a demonstration? Buffy looks around at the scene. Cut to the library. Giles has the first-aid kit out, and Willow is wrapping Buffy's knee. Buffy: She was definitely one of the Taraka g*ng, Giles, and way g*n happy. Giles: This, um, Oz chap, he, he, he's alright? Willow: The paramedic said it was only a scrape. Thank goodness. Cordelia and Xander walk into the library. Kendra tries to head them off. Buffy: Down, girl! Xander: Who sponsored career day today? The British Soccer Fan Association? Giles: (on his way to the table) We had a, a rather violent visit from the Order of Taraka. Xander: You wanna talk Order of Taraka? We just met the king *freak* of the... (sees Kendra) Hello. Kendra looks at the floor, humbling herself before Xander. Giles: Oh, forgive me. Uh, Xander, Cordelia, this is Kendra. Uh, i-it's rather complicated, but she's also a Slayer. Cordelia: (heads for the table) Hi. Nice to meet you. Xander: A Slayer, huh? (to Buffy) I knew this 'I'm the only one, I'm the only one' thing was just an attention-getter. Buffy: (hops off of the counter) Just say hello, Xander. (makes for the table with Willow) Xander: Welcome. So! You're a Slayer, huh? I like that in a woman. Kendra: (nervous) Uh... I hope... I t*nk you... I mean, sir, um... I will be of service. Xander: (looks at the others) Great! (to Kendra) Good. It's good to be a giver. (goes to the table) Giles: Xander, um, this, this, uh, assassin you encountered, what, uh, what did he look like? Cordelia finds a mealworm in her hair and freaks out. She drops it onto a book on the table and gets up. Cordelia: Uhh! Uhh! Ohmigod, I'm showering! (runs from the library) Xander: (indicates the mealworm) Like that. Buffy: You and bug people, Xander. What's up with that? Xander: No, but this dude was completely different than praying mantis lady. He was a man *of* bugs, not a man who *was* a bug. He slams the biology book shut on the mealworm to k*ll it and sits down. Giles: The, uh, the-the-the important thing is everybody's alright. Still, it's quite apparent that we're under serious att*ck. Buffy: These Taraka are definitely serious. (looks at Kendra) Fortunately for me, so is Kendra. Giles: And, uh, I fear the worst is still to come. I've, I-I've discovered the remaining keys to Drusilla's cure. The, uh, the ritual requires that, the presence of her sire, and it must take place in a church on the night of the new moon. Buffy suddenly looks very concerned. Kendra: The new moon. But that is tonight. Giles: Exactly. And I-I'm sure the assassins were here to k*ll Buffy before she could put a stop to things. Buffy: They need Drusilla's sire. You mean the vamp that made her? Giles: Yes. Willow: Buffy, what is it? Buffy: (looks down) Angel. He's Drusilla's sire. Xander: Man, that guy got major neck in his day! Willow slaps him hard on the shoulder. Buffy: Will this ritual k*ll him? Giles: Yes, I'm afraid it will. Buffy: We need to find this church. We need to find where this ritual is gonna take place! Giles: Agreed, and we must work quickly. (checks his watch) We have five hours before sundown. Willow: (opens her laptop) Don't worry, Buffy, we'll save Angel. Kendra: Angel? But our priority is to stop Drusilla! Xander: Angel's our friend! Except I don't like him. Buffy: Look, you've got your priorities, and I've got mine. Right now they mesh. So, are you gonna help me, or are you gonna get out of my way? Kendra: (considers) I'm wit you. Buffy: Good. 'Cause I've had it. Spike is going down. You can att*ck me, you can send assassins after me, that's fine. But nobody messes with my boyfriend! ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ Drusilla's room. She runs her hand across the lid of an elegant wooden box labeled 'Holy Water'. She sings quietly as she lifts the lid and takes out a small crystal pitcher. Drusilla: The lamb is caught in the blackberry patch. (approaches Angel) My mummy ate lemons. Raw. She kneels next to him. Angel is tied to the posts of her canopy bed by both wrists high above his head. Drusilla: She said she loved the way they made her mouth... (runs her hand down and up his chest) tingle. Little Anne. She lets some of the holy water trickle onto his chest. It steams and burns like acid. Angel jerks his head back in pain and stifles a scream. Drusilla: Her favorite was custard... brandied pears. Angel: Dru... Drusilla: (sternly) Shhh! (stands up) And pomegranates. (climbs onto the bed behind Angel) They used to make her face and fingers aaall red. She reaches over his shoulder and lets more holy water dribble onto his chest. Again Angel grits his teeth in pain, but won't let himself scream out loud. Drusilla: Remember? Hmm? Little fingers. Little hands. Do you? Angel: (shivering in pain) If I could... Drusilla: (interrupts angrily) Bite your tongue! They used to eat cake, and eggs, and honey. (sweetly) Until you came and ripped their throats out. She pours the rest of the holy water onto his chest, and Angel screams out loud in agony. Cut to the library. Giles comes out of the stacks and heads toward the stairs with a large volume full of pictures. Willow is sitting on the steps websurfing on her laptop. He looks down at her screen and sits down next to her. Giles: There are forty-three churches in Sunnydale? (pulls out a roll of mints) That seems a little excessive. (tears off some wrapping) Willow: It's the extra evil vibe from the Hellmouth. Makes people pray harder. Giles offers her a mint, and she smiles and takes one. He gets back up and continues over to Xander and Cordelia at the table. Giles: Well, check and see if any of them are closed or abandoned. Xander: Yeah, yeah, we got monsters, we got demons, but no bug dude or police lady. Giles sets the volume down in front of them and opens it. Giles: Well, you should have better luck with this one. There's a whole section devoted to the Order of Taraka. Cut to Giles' office. Kendra looks through the window at them doing their research. Buffy is sharpening a Kn*fe. Kendra: And dose two, dey also know you are de Slayer? Buffy: Yep. Kendra: Did anyone explain to you what 'secret identity' means? (goes to the desk) Buffy: Nope. Must be in the handbook. (Kendra picks up the crossbow) Right after the chapter on personality removal. Be careful with that thing! Kendra: Please. I'm an expert in all w*apon. The bolt flies off of the crossbow and breaks a lamp. Buffy startles. Giles heard the noise from the main room. Giles: Is everything alright? Buffy: Yeah, it's okay. Kendra k*lled the bad lamp. Kendra: Sorry! Dis, uh, trigger mechanism is different. (sets the bow down) Perhaps when dis is over you can, uh, show me how to work it. Buffy: When this is over I'm thinking pineapple pizza and teen video movie fest. Possibly something from the Ringwald oeuvre. Cut to the main room. Xander turns the page and finds a drawing of the bug dude. Xander: Oh, here we go! I am the bug man, coo coo ka choo. Giles and Willow come over to have a look. Xander reads in another book. Xander: Okay. Okay. He can only be k*lled when he's in his disassembled state. (to Cordelia) Disassembled. That means when he's broken down into his liiittle buggy parts. Cordelia: I know what it means, *dorkhead*. Xander: (takes mock offense) Dorkhead! You slash me with your words! Giles rubs his eyes. Willow raises her eyebrows at them. Cut to the office. Kendra is handling a stake. Kendra: Your life is very different dan mine. Buffy: You mean the part where I occasionally have one? Yeah, I guess it is. (carves at a stake) Kendra: De tings you do and have, I was taught, distract from my calling. Friends, school... even family. Buffy: Even family? Kendra: My parents, dey sent me to my Watcher when I was very young. Buffy: How young? Kendra: I don't remember dem, actually. I've seen pictures. But, uh, dat's how seriously de calling is taken by my people. My modder and fadder gave me to my Watcher because dey believed dat dey were doing de right ting for me, and for de world. (puts down the stake and gets a sympathetic look from Buffy) Please, I don't feel sorry for meself. Why should you? Buffy: I don't know, I... I guess it just sounds very lonely. Kendra: Emotions are weakness, Buffy. You shouldn't entertain dem. Buffy: Kendra, my emotions give me power. They're total assets! Kendra: (picks up her Kn*fe) Maybe. For you. But I prefer to keep an even mind. (wipes the blade) Buffy: (puts down her Kn*fe) Mm. I guess that explains it. Kendra: Explains what? Buffy: (plays with the stake) Oh, well, when we were fighting, uh, you're amazing! Your technique, it's flawless, it's, hmm, better than mine. Kendra: I know. Buffy: Still, I woulda kicked your butt in the end. And ya know why? No imagination. Kendra: (rubs her blade more vigorously) Really? Ya tink so? (puts down the rag) Buffy: Oh, I know so. You're good, but power alone isn't enough. A good fighter needs to know how to improvise, to go with the flow. Uh-uh, seriously, don't get me wrong, y-you really do have potential. (puts away the stake) Kendra: (holds her Kn*fe ready) Potential? I could wipe de floor wit you right now! Buffy: (looks Kendra in the eye) That would be anger you're feeling. Kendra: What? Buffy: You feel it, right? How the anger gives you f*re? A Slayer needs that. They both look over at Xander as he walks into the office. Xander: Excuse me, ladies. Kendra looks down at the floor while he grabs a book from the desk. Xander notices her Kn*fe. Xander: Nice Kn*fe. (leaves the office) Buffy: I'm guessing dating isn't big with your Watcher either. Kendra: I'm not permitted to speak with boys. Buffy: Unless you're pummeling them. (has a realization) Wait a minute. Kendra: What? Buffy: That guy! The sleazoid you nearly decked in the bar. Kendra: You tink he might help us? Buffy: I tink we might make him! Cut to Drusilla's room. She is kneeling between Angel's spread-apart legs and holds the little pitcher of holy water above him. Drusilla: Say 'Uncle'. (lowers the pitcher) Oh, that's right, you k*lled my uncle. She is about to pour some onto his chest again when Spike comes in. Spike: That's it, then. (Drusilla looks up at him) Off to church. Drusilla: (stands up) It makes pretty colors. Spike: Pft! I'll see him die soon enough. I've never been much for the pre-show. He reaches up to untie one of Angel's bonds while Drusilla puts away the holy water and gets Miss Edith. Angel: Too bad. That's what Drusilla likes best, as I recall. Spike: What's that supposed to mean? (steps over to the other bond) Angel: Ask her. She knows what I mean. Drusilla has come back to stand behind Spike's shoulder, and he turns his head to face her. Spike: Well? Drusilla: (to Angel) Shhh! Grrrruff! Bad dog. Angel: You shoulda let me talk to him, Dru. Sounds like your boy could use some pointers. She likes to be teased. Spike has finished untying the other bond and throws it to the floor. Spike: Keep your hole shut! (stands over him) Angel: Take care of her, Spike. The way she touched me just now? I can tell when she's not satisfied. Spike: I said SHUT UP! He grabs Angel by the throat, lifts him to his feet and holds him against the bedpost. Angel: Or maybe you two just don't have the f*re we had. Spike: That's enough. He pounds his other hand into the wooden railing of Drusilla's bed, grabs the piece that broke off and holds it up to stake Angel. Drusilla: Spike, no! Spike holds back. Angel tries to goad him on with a stare. Drusilla steps over to Spike and gently puts her arm on his shoulder and snuggles up to him. Drusilla: Shhh. Spike: Oh! Right. Right, you almost got me! Aren't you a 'throw himself to the lions' sort of sap these days. Well, the lions are on to you, baby. See, if I k*ll you now you go quick, and Dru hasn't got a chance. And if Dru dies your little Rebecca of Sunnyhell Farm and all her mates are spared her coming-out party. (squeezes Angel's throat) Drusilla: Spike, the moon is rising. It's time. Spike: Too bad, Angelus. Looks like you go the hard way. Along with the rest of this miserable town. He keeps holding Angel against the bedpost as he and Drusilla engage in a passionate kiss. Cut to Willy's bar. Buffy shoves him up against the shelves of liquor bottles. Willy: Ah! Honest! I don't know where Angel is! Buffy: What about this ritual? What have you heard? Willy: N-nothing! I-it's all hush-hush! Kendra: Just h*t him, Buffy! Buffy: (to Willy) She likes to h*t. Willy: You know, m-maybe I did hear something about this ritual. Yeah, i-i... I-it's coming back to me. But, uh, I'd have to take you there. Buffy: Let's go. (starts to drag him out of the bar) Kendra: First we must return to de Watcher. Buffy: (stops) Excuse me? While we run to Giles, this whole thing could go down! Kendra: But it is procedure. Buffy: It's brainless, you mean! If we don't go now, Angel could die. (starts out again) Kendra: Is dat all you're worried about? Your boyfriend? Buffy: (stops again) No, it's not all, but it's enough. Kendra: It's as I feared. He clouds your judgment. We can't stop dis ritual alone! Buffy: Are you listening to me? He could die! Kendra: He's a vampire. He *should* die. Why am I de only person who sees it? Buffy just stares at her a moment before turning around again and heading for the door with Willy in tow. Kendra: Are you dat big a fool? Buffy shoves Willy out ahead of her and leaves Kendra behind in the bar. Kendra: (exhales) Good riddance, den. Cut to the church. Cut inside. Willy leads her down an arched hallway. Willy: Here ya go. Don't ever say your friend Willy don't come through in a pinch. They round a corner, and Patrice and a vampire are waiting there for them. Willy: Here ya go. Don't ever say your friend Willy don't come through in a pinch. Norman and another vampire block her escape from behind. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The nave of the church. Spike walks up the main aisle from the altar with a burning incense censer. Spike: Eligor. I name thee. Bringer of w*r, poisoners, pariahs, grand obscenity. He turns back to the altar. Angel and Drusilla are both strapped together to a chain that hangs from the ceiling. Angel's right hand is tied to the chain above his head. Spike: Eligor, wretched master of decay, bring your black medicine. Drusilla: Black medicine. Spike sets the censer down on the altar and picks up the Du Lac Cross with his gloved hand. Spike: Come. (holds up the cross upside-down) Restore your most impious, m*rder child. Drusilla: m*rder child. He grabs the downward-pointing tip of the cross with his other hand and yanks down, pulling out a dagger. He lays the rest of the cross back on the altar. Spike: From the blood of the sire she is risen. He takes Drusilla's left hand and raises it to Angel's, and she clasps it. Spike: From the blood of the sire, she shall rise again. With one swift stroke Spike s*ab the blade through their hands. Angel screams in agony. A blindingly bright pink light emanates from their wounds. A pulse of energy spreads out, and then the light dies back down to a faint glimmer as Angel's strength begins to ebb from him into Drusilla. She droops backward, feeling Angel's energy flow into her. Spike: Right, then! Now we just let them come to a simmering boil, and remove to a low flame. Willy barges through the door and strides into the nave with the vampires and assassins escorting Buffy close behind. Willy: It's payday, pal. I got your Slayer. Spike strides up the aisle to meet him. Spike: (angry) Are you tripping?! You bring her here?! Now?! Willy: You said you wanted her. Buffy sees Angel and Drusilla tied together at the altar. Spike: In the ground, pinhead! I wanted her d*ad. Willy: Now, that's not what I heard. Word was there was a bounty on her d*ad or alive. Spike: You heard wrong, Willy. Buffy: (whispers) Angel. Spike: Yeah. (steps over to Buffy) It bugs me, too, seeing him like that. Another five minutes, though, and Angel will be d*ad, so... I forebear. Don't feel too bad for Angel, though, he's got something you don't have. Buffy: (angry) What's that? Spike: Five minutes. Patrice! She lets go of Buffy and draws her g*n. Buffy struggles to get loose from the vampire holding her. The other door suddenly bursts open, and Kendra comes in doing a series of backflips, ending in a flying double kick, one foot to the back of each of the vampire's heads. They fall to the floor, pushing Buffy into Spike and knocking him down. Kendra lands on her feet, ready to fight. She wastes no time running over to Spike as he gets up, meeting Buffy there to fight him. Spike: Who the hell is this?! Kendra grabs him by the shirt. Buffy: It's your lucky day, Spike. Kendra: Two Slayers! (decks him) Buffy: No waiting! (jabs him) Spike falls but quickly gets up. Buffy breaks off to fight Patrice, leaving Kendra to take care of Spike. He ducks a roundhouse kick from her. Buffy faces off with Patrice. She extends her arms down, and a blade slides out from each sleeve. One of the vampires gets up from the floor next to them and starts to reach for Buffy when a bolt impales him. He falls and turns to ashes while Giles looks on from the door, still holding the crossbow. Buffy and Patrice begin to fight hand-to- hand. Patrice thrusts one blade, then the other at Buffy, but she catches her arms and holds them up while she knees Patrice in the stomach. Buffy follows up with a kick to her face and sends her stumbling back into the wall. Spike lands a punch on Kendra, knocking her down, and she scrambles to avoid his follow-up kick. The other vampire gets up also, and Giles runs to engage him. He swings the crossbow at him, but the vampire grabs it, and they struggle over it. Giles swings at the vampire and hits him in the face. Willow jumps up onto his back and starts choking him with her arm. Xander spots Norman and taunts him. Xander: Hey, larvae boy! (Norman sees him) Yeah, that's right, I'm talkin' to you, ya big cootie! Norman smiles and starts after him. Xander scrambles for the doors and carefully steps through as he closes them behind him to avoid stepping into the puddle of liquid adhesive Cordelia has poured there. She still has the bucket in her hand. Xander: Welcome, my little pretties! Norman comes under the door as a mass of mealworms. Back inside Giles punches the vampire twice while Willow keeps holding on. Kendra jumps over Spike when he tries to knock her legs out from under her. She tries another roundhouse kick, but he blocks it. He uses the momentum of the block to spin around and h*t her again. Patrice gets back up and comes for Buffy. She ducks a kick from Buffy and lunges at her with her blades, but Buffy handily blocks her. She swings at Buffy's face with one, but Buffy ducks out of the way. Out in the hall the mealworms have gotten stuck in the adhesive and Xander and Cordelia begin to stomp them. Inside Kendra swings at Spike and is blocked. Spike lands another h*t on her. Buffy punches Patrice in the face and sends her staggering back into the wall again. Spike punches Kendra again, and follows up with a roundhouse kick. She hits the floor and scrambles back up again. Buffy notices her getting knocked around. Buffy: Switch! She bends over and Kendra rolls over her back to face Patrice, immediately landing a punch and knocking her into the wall a third time. Buffy faces Spike. Spike: I'd rather be fightin' you anyway. Buffy: Mutual. She blocks his thrust, then kicks him in the face and again in the gut. He doubles over and falls to the floor. In the hall Cordelia and Xander continue stomping away. Cordelia: Die! Die, die, die! Die! Xander puts his hand on her lower back to calm her. Xander: I think he did, Cordy. She drops the bucket and they run off. Inside, Buffy blocks a punch from Spike, and another, but then he lands punches to her stomach and face. She blocks his next swing and holds his arm while she punches him twice in the face. She grabs his coat and pulls him around and throws him over several pews and into the wall. Behind another pew Willy gets up. Spike growls as he stands back up and sees Willy trying to sneak out of the church. He rushes over and grabs him by the back of the neck. Spike: Where are you going? Buffy seizes the opportunity to run to the altar and pull the dagger out of Angel and Drusilla's hands. Willy: Now, there's a way in which this isn't my fault! Spike: They tricked you. Willy: Mm-hm! They were duplicitous! Spike: Well, then I'll only k*ll you just this once. (goes for the bite) Drusilla: (weakly) Spike! Spike stops before biting Willy and looks over at her. He sees Buffy trying to untie them. He lets go of Willy and rushes over to the altar, grabs Buffy and shoves her to the floor. He backhand punches her as she gets back up, knocking her down again. Willy wastes no time running out of the church past Willow and Giles, who are still fighting the other vampire. Giles has him held back by both arms and Willow has a stake raised to k*ll him. Willow: Hold him steady! She plunges the stake into the vampire's heart and he bursts into ashes, leaving Giles all dusty. Xander and Cordelia run into the back of the nave as Willow pats the dust off of Giles. Patrice throws Kendra over a knocked-over pew and climbs over after her. She swings at Kendra twice, but misses both times when Kendra ducks. She swings again and this time slashes her in the arm. Kendra grabs her wound and looks down at it. Kendra: Dat's me favrit shirt! Dat's me *only* shirt! Now Kendra is really mad, and she kicks Patrice in the back of the knee, making her lose her balance. She grabs Patrice by the arm and throws her into a cabinet in front of the organ, smashing it to pieces and knocking her out. Kendra runs over to join the others. Spike takes a torch from its wall hanger and throws it into a pile of old drapes, setting them ablaze. Xander: Look out!

{"type": "series", "show": "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "episode": "02x10 - What's My Line Part 2"}

foreverdreaming

~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~ In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. Buffy's street at night. Willow and Xander are walking ahead of her on their way to her house. Xander: You don't know what you're talking about. Willow: Xander, he was obviously in charge. Xander: He was a puppet! She was using him! Willow: He didn't seem like the type of guy who would let himself be used. Xander: Well, that was her genius! He didn't even know he was playing second fiddle. (turns behind him) Buffy. Buffy: Huh? Xander: Who was the real power? The Captain, or Tennille? Buffy: Ummm... Who are these people? Xander: The Captain and Tennille? Boy, somebody was raised in a culture-free environment! Buffy: I'm sorry. I was just... Willow: Thinking? Buffy: No, not thinking. Having a lot of happy non-thoughts. I love it when things are quiet around here. Xander: Yeah, with Spike and Drusilla out of the way, we've really been ridin' the mellow, and I am really jinxing the hell out of us by saying that. Buffy: Yeah, but we'll let you off this time. They turn down the walk to Buffy's house. Willow: So, we're pretty sure that there're not more Tarakan assassins coming our way? Buffy: Angel's sources say the contract's off. Xander: How *is* Angel? Pretend I care. Buffy: (smiles) Getting better. Willow: And you're loving playing nursemaid? Buffy: Oh, yeah! Xander: So, is it better than playing naughty stewardess? Buffy: Xander... He chuckles as they climb the steps to the porch. Buffy gets out her key and reaches up to put it in the door lock. When she pushes on it to insert it the door just swings in. Cut inside. Buffy stares in, concerned to find the door unlocked. Buffy: You guys wait here a second. She slowly walks in and looks around. After a few seconds she hears a glass fall and break in the kitchen and her mother cry out. Joyce: (from the kitchen) No! Buffy rushes through the dining room to the kitchen door and pushes it open. Buffy: Mom! There she catches her mother locked in an embrace with and kissing a man. They break off their kiss, and all three of them stare awkwardly at each other. Buffy: Oh, my... (exhales) I'm sorry, I... (exhales) I heard... Joyce: Uh, I-I-I broke a wineglass. Y-y-you're home early. Ted: Hi. Buffy: Hi. Joyce: (to Ted) Oh! Uh, this is my daughter, Buffy. (to Buffy) Buffy, this is Ted. Buffy just stares at him, unsure how to react. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ The kitchen at Buffy's house. Xander and Willow have been invited to stay for dinner. Ted is cooking. He opens the oven and slides in a baking sheet full of mini pizzas. Ted: Okay, here we go! Cut to outside the kitchen door. Joyce empties the dustpan full of broken glass into the trashcan. Buffy: So. All these late nights at the gallery recently I gather you were cataloging more than art. Joyce: Well, I... I've been looking for the right moment to introduce you two. He's a wonderful man. Buffy looks over her shoulder at Ted cooking. Ted: Sprinkle that on... Xander: Uh, a little more. Okay, more... Buffy: How'd you meet? Joyce: Oh, he sells, uh, computer software. He redid my entire system at the gallery, freed up a lot of my time. Buffy: To meet new people. And smooch them in my kitchen. Joyce: You weren't supposed to see that. Cut inside the kitchen. Ted takes the cast-iron pan from the stove, goes over to the island with it and scoops out several finished pizzas. Willow: I like my new nine-Gig hard drive. Ted: But you don't love it, 'cause without the DMA upgrade your computer's only half a rocket ship. Willow: Yeah, but who can afford the upgrades? Ted: Well, you can! I get the demos for free, I don't see why I shouldn't give 'em to you for the same price! Any friend of Buffy's... Willow squeals with delight. Xander munches on one of the mini pizzas. Ted: What? Xander: Oh, that's the sound she makes when she's speechless with geeker joy. Can I just say, this is the finest pizza *ever* on God's green Earth. What is your secret? Ted: Well, after you bake it, you fry it in herbs and olive oil, but you gotta use (knocks his pan) a cast-iron skillet. No room for compromise there. Buffy and Joyce come back into the kitchen. Xander: Y'know, you should market these things. I mean, you can get two, three hundred bucks apiece! Ted laughs at that and takes the plate with the pizzas over to Buffy. Ted: Hungry? Buffy: No, thanks. Ted: Buffy, I want to apologize. That wasn't how I wanted us to meet. I wanted it to be... perfect. I'm very fond of your mother, I guess that's pretty obvious. I know you're the most (gestures toward the picture of the two of them on the refrigerator) important thing in her life, and, well, gosh, that makes you pretty important to me, too. Joyce overheard and comes over to stand next to Ted. Joyce: Buffy, I really want you to be okay with this. Ted: Beg to differ: *we* really want you to be okay with this. They both smile at Buffy. Buffy: I'm okay. Joyce: You are? Buffy: I am. (smiles stiffly) Cut to the park. A picnic table stands there empty. Suddenly a vampire comes crashing down onto it, and it collapses underneath him. He shakes off the blow as he gets back up and comes at Buffy again. She grabs the metal lid from a trashcan while Giles looks on. She uses it as a shield to block the vampire's punch and then hits him over the head with it. He falls to his knee, but gets back up. She hits him with it again and he falls to his other knee and quickly gets up again. She hits him a third time and he staggers again. Giles: Buffy? I-I believe he's, he's, um... Buffy swings down with the lid from above onto the vampire's head. He just absorbs the blow and comes at her with a punch. She blocks the swing with the lid again and swings it around onto his head from above again. Giles winces at what he's seeing. Buffy blocks another punch, then discards the lid and kicks the vampire in the face. Giles: It, it's, it's staking time, really. Don't you think? Buffy kicks the vampire again and follows up with a punch to the jaw. Giles sits down on a bench to wait, holding his bag in his lap. Buffy throws a right jab to the vampire's face. She follows up with a kick to his knee, making the vampire fall to the ground. She pulls a stake out of her jacket and cleanly jams it into his chest and pulls it back out. The vampire bursts into ashes. Buffy looks around as she walks over to Giles. Buffy: Any others? Giles: Well, for their sakes, I certainly hope not. Buffy: What? I k*ll vampires, that's my job. Giles: Well, true, true, although you don't usually b*at them into quite such a bloody pulp beforehand. Everything alright? Buffy: Yeah! Fine! She walks around him, steps up onto the bench and sits on the backrest. Buffy: I k*lled a vampire here on Wednesday. Why are they hanging out at the park? Giles: Well, they're... scattered, you know. Now their leaders are gone, with any luck d*ad. In times of crisis they usually return to the easiest feeding grounds. Buffy: Vampires are creeps. Giles: Yes, that's why one slays them. Buffy: I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then vampires come, and they run around and they k*ll people, and they take over your whole house, they start making these stupid little mini pizzas, and everyone's like, 'I like your mini pizzas,' but I'm telling you, I am... Giles: (interrupts) Uh, uh, Buffy! I-I believe the... subtext here is, is, rapidly becoming, uh, (clears his throat) uh, text. Are you sure there's nothing you want to share? Buffy: No. Forget it. (looks around again) Think there'll be any more? I-I can wait. Cut to Sunnydale High the next day. Buffy: If you say one more word, things will become dire. Cut to the halls. Xander, Willow and Buffy are walking. Xander: Did you even bother to taste 'em? Nooo! Well, I did, and I'm here to tell ya those mini pizzas have changed my life! Ted is the master chef! Buffy: Fine! So he's a good cook. Well, what does that really tell you about a person? Xander: Everything. Willow: You don't like him? Buffy: I don't *know* him. I, I mean, so far all I see is someone who apparently has a good job, seems nice and polite, and my mother really likes him. Xander: (in a rough voice) What kind of a monster is he? Buffy: I'm just saying there's something a little too clean about this clown. Willow: (giggles) He's a clean clown! (gets stares from the others) I have my own fun. They arrive at the vending machines. Xander: Buff, you're lacking evidence. I think maybe we're in Sigmund Freud territory. He puts his coins into the machine. Willow: He has a point. Separation anxiety, the mother figure being taken away, conflict with the father figure... Buffy: He's *not* my father figure. Xander: Having issues much? Buffy: I am not! Xander does a typical funny dance, pointing both fingers at Buffy and responding in a sing-song voice. Xander: You're having parental issues, you're having parental issues... Willow: Xander... Xander: What? Freud would've said the exact same thing. Except he might not have done that little dance. Buffy: Okay, I admit it's weird. Seeing my mother frenching a guy is definitely a ticket to therapy land, but it's more than that. I'm pretty good at sensing what's going on around me, and there is definitely something wrong with this... Ted. Xander spots Ted coming down the stairs behind Buffy. Xander: Ted! Buffy: Of course, Ted. Who'd you think I was talking about? Xander: Hi, Ted! Ted, who's here. Ted: Hello, kids! The girls turn quickly to face him. Buffy: (to Ted) What are you doing here? Ted: I'm updating the software in the guidance office. Which reminds me, (pulls several disks from his pocket and hands them to Willow) your upgrades. Willow: (eagerly accepting the disks) Oh, what a day! Thank you! Buffy gives Willow a look. Ted: Think nothing of it. Buffy, do you like miniature golf? Xander: Who doesn't! Ted: Well, your mother and I were thinking maybe this Saturday we could drag the three of you out to the course, spend some time swinging the iron with the stuffy old people. Buffy: Well, uh... Ted: I'm making a picnic basket. Xander: (eyes wide) With mini pizzas? Ted: And cookies! Xander inhales in wide-eyed, open-mouthed rapture. Buffy: You know what, we, we would love to, honestly, but, um, unfortunately we have that (looks to Willow for support) thing on Saturday. Willow: Ohhh, that thing. (they look at Xander) That thing. Xander: Hey, we can do that thing anytime. I'm tired of doing that thing. (to Ted) We're on! Ted: Great! Willow and Buffy can only smile, Willow widely, Buffy half-heartedly. Cut to Ms. Calendar's classroom. She's gathering assignments from the desks. Giles walks up to the door and steps in. Giles: Hello, Jenny. Jenny: Rupert. Hi. Giles: Some of your, uh, textbooks were delivered to the library. Um, do you want me to, uh, hang on to them? Jenny: Yeah, that's fine. I'll send the kids by to pick 'em up. Giles: Right. Good. (turns around and starts out of the room) Jenny: Pretty flimsy excuse for coming by to see me. Giles: (comes back in) You should have heard the ones I threw out. (smiles briefly) I just, I wanted to, uh... see how you were doing. Jenny: I'm doing pretty good, actually. I've stayed out of mortal danger for three whole weeks. I could get used to it. (Giles smiles at that) I'm still having trouble sleeping, though. Giles: (steps closer) Oh, of course. Um... you, you, you need time. Jenny: Or possibly space. Rupert, I know you're concerned. But having you constantly poking around, making little puppy dog eyes at me, wondering if I'm okay... (exhales) You make me feel bad that I don't feel better. I don't want that responsibility. Giles: Sorry. (looks down) I certainly don't mean to make, um, 'dog eyes'... at you. I'm just... Jenny: Worried. I know. Giles: I shouldn't have bothered you. He turns and walks out of the room with his head hung down. Jenny watches him go and exhales. She goes back to collecting the papers. Cut to Angel's apartment. Buffy is replacing the bandage on his right hand while he lies in his comfy chair. Buffy: So mom's like, 'Do you think Ted will like this?' and 'This is Ted's favorite show,' and 'Ted's teaching me computers,' and 'Ted said the funniest thing,' and I'm like, 'That's really great, Mom,' and then she said I was being sarcastic, which I was, but I'm sorry if I don't wanna talk about Ted all the time. Angel: (looks up at her) So, you gonna talk about something else at some point? Buffy: I'm sorry. I just have so much to deal with, I don't need some new guy in my life. She's finished wrapping the bandage and Angel hands her a piece of tape. Angel: No, but maybe your mom does. Buffy takes the tape and puts it on the bandage. Buffy: Well, sure, if you're gonna use wisdom. Angel: (chuckles) Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is. Buffy: Okay, so my mom needs a guy in her life. Does it have to be Ted? Angel: Do you have somebody else in mind? There's a guy out there that would satisfy you? Buffy: My dad? (Angel looks at her) Yeah, okay, that's not gonna happen. Fine, fine, I'll give Ted a chance. I'll play mini-golf, and I'll smile and curtsy and be the dutiful daughter. Do I have to like him? Angel: (smiles) Kiss me. Buffy: (smiles) Finally, something I wanna do! She leans over him and kisses him lightly on the lips. She gets in his lap and they kiss more passionately. Cut to Saturday at the mini-golf course. The group walks up to the next hole. Xander: Ah, the dreaded five-par cuckoo clock. Ha! So many have come, so few have conquered. He puts his ball in place and studies his sh*t. Joyce: That picnic was delicious. Xander takes his sh*t. It's weak. Joyce: You know how rare it is to find a man that cooks? Ted: I know I've been looking a long time for one. So, Buffy, I bet the boys are lined up around the block tryin' to get a date with you. Buffy: Not really. Willow: Oh, they are, but she's only interested in... (gets a nudge from Buffy) uh, her studies! 'Book-cr*cker Buffy', it's kind of her nickname. Ted: Well, glad to hear it. I bet that means your grades will be picking up soon. He bends down to position his ball for his sh*t. Buffy: My grades? (paces over to her mom) How does he know about my grades? Joyce: I told him. He wants to know everything about you. He's concerned. That's a good thing. (Ted makes his sh*t) Ooo, nice sh*t, Ted! Cut to the next hole with a castle. Buffy is ready to take her sh*t. Ted: Keep your eye on the ball. Watch those elbows! Buffy swings a bit too hard, and the ball ricochets off of the castle and into the rough behind it. Ted: Oh! Bad luck, little lady! Buffy starts to walk to retrieve her ball for another try. Joyce: Oh, we won't count it. Ted: We won't? Buffy stops and turns back to look at them. Joyce: Well, it's just miniature golf. Ted: It is, but the rules are the rules. And what we teach her is what she takes out into the world when we're not there, whether it's at school or an unchaperoned party. (to Buffy) I don't mean to overstep my bounds, this is between you and your mother, I just think right is right. Joyce: He has a point. Buffy: Fine. I'll just go h*t my ball from the rough. She goes over to her ball behind the castle and picks it up. She steps onto the green, and thinking no one sees her drops her ball into the hole. Buffy: (loudly) Hey, how 'bout that! Got a hole in two! Ted: Beg to differ. Buffy turns her head to see him standing next to the castle where he can just see. Buffy: Okay, so fine my score or whatever. Ted: I think you're missing the point here, little lady. Right is right, wrong is wrong. Why don't people see that? Buffy: It's just a game? Ted: Right, it's just a game, do your own thing, well, I'm not wired that way. And I am here to tell you (Buffy notices how he's tapping his ankle with his club pretty hard) it is *not* a game! It *does* count, and I don't stand for that kind of malarkey in my house! Buffy: Then I guess it's a good thing I'm not *in* your house. Ted: Do you want me to slap that smart-ass mouth of yours? Buffy can't believe her ears. She notices the others come around the castle, and Ted follows her gaze. Ted: Who's up for dessert? I made chocolate-chip cookies! (smiles) Joyce opens the zip-lock bag of cookies. Xander: Yum-my! Willow: Cookies! Buffy stares at everyone and can't believe that Ted just thr*at her. Ted: Yeah! I-I made, uh, too many, so you guys are gonna have to take some home! Everyone has a cookie and is munching away. Joyce: Mm! Buffy, you've got to try one of these! They're really good! Mm! Ted offers her one with a smile. Buffy just keeps looking at them in disbelief. Willow: Mm! Xander: Mm! These are tasty! ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ Morning at the Summer's house. Cut to the kitchen. Buffy comes wandering in. Joyce gets the orange juice from the refrigerator and brings it to the island. Joyce: Good morning, sunshine! Buffy: Hey. Joyce: (sets down the OJ) I've got juice, I've got sticky buns, oh, don't they smell good! Buffy picks up part of a bun. Joyce: Ted made them. Buffy puts it back down. Joyce: (smiles) What? Buffy: I'd just like to eat something around here that Ted didn't make. Joyce: Oh, what kind of an attitude is that? Buffy: (exhales) Look, Mom, I know you think he's great and all, but I... Joyce: (pours some juice) Y'know, he went out of his way to be nice to you, and you couldn't say two words to him on Saturday. (pours another glass) I do not expect you to love him right away like I do, but I do expect you to treat him decently. Buffy: You love him? Joyce: (puts down the juice carton) I-I don't know. (exhales) That just slipped out. (takes the juice back to the fridge) But I guess, I mean, it's not exactly like men b*at down the door when you're a single... Buffy: When you're a single parent. Joyce: (exhales) Honey, look. I wouldn't have anything to do with anybody if they didn't care about you. But he does! I don't understand why you can't see that! Buffy: He thr*at me. Joyce: What? (comes back to the island) Buffy: He thr*at me. He said that he was gonna slap my face. Joyce: (disbelieving) He said no such thing! Honey, Ted told me what happened. He caught you cheating, didn't he? Buffy: (exhales) Yeah, I kicked my ball in, put me in jail, but he totally wigged! Joyce: And he didn't say anything about it in front of the others, did he? Buffy: Uh, no, but I don't think that's the... Joyce: (interrupts) Well, I thought that that was pretty decent of him! Ted said we are just gonna have to give you time to come around. Oh, speaking of which, he's making dinner for us tonight, so I'd like you at home, please, (points down for emphasis) promptly at six. Buffy gives her mother a look and stalks out of the kitchen. Joyce just shrugs and lets her go. She eats part of a sticky bun. Joyce: Mm, this is sooo delicious! Cut to the quad at the school. Willow, Buffy and Xander are walking across. Xander is munching on a cookie. Willow: What do you mean, check him out? Buffy: I mean investigate him. Find out his secrets, hack into his life. Xander: Can you say 'overreaction'? Buffy: Can you say 'sucking chest wound'? Willow: Buffy, it just seems like you *want* him to be corrupt, or something. Buffy: The guy lost his senses over mini-golf. Xander: So he's a little uptight. Last I heard that's not a slaying offense. (gets a look from Buffy) Don't gimme the look, I'm on your side. I'm just saying there are some things in life you have to accept. Buffy and Willow sit on a bench. Buffy: And I'm saying Ted ain't one of 'em. Xander notices Cordelia walk past them behind the bench. Xander: Hey, Cordy! Nice outfit. Cordelia: (stops to look at him) Oh, very funny. Xander: Not really. Cordelia: What are you saying? Buffy and Willow look up at Xander. Xander: Nice outfit? Cordelia: Well, why don't you just keep your mouth shut! (walks off) Xander: Would you guys excuse me for a sec? (goes after Cordelia) Willow: What's up with them? Cut to Cordelia walking along the colonnade. Xander catches up with her. Cordelia: What's wrong with you? Xander: I gave you a compliment. Cordelia: In front of your friends! They're gonna know! Xander: Know what? Cordelia: Please! It's too traumatic for me to even say it! Xander: That we kissed? Cordelia: Uhhh! Xander: Look, I'm not gonna tell, they're not gonna know. Not your friends, not my friends. You wanna go to the utility closet and make out? Cordelia: God! Is that all you ever think about? (considers the offer) Okay. They go off to make out. Cut to Buffy and Willow still on the bench. Buffy: Will, I'm not wrong here. Ted has a problem with me. He acts like I'm in the way or something. And Mom's been totally different since he's around. Willow: Different, like happy? Buffy: Like Stepford. Will you help me? Willow: You know I will. What do you want me to look for? Buffy: Let's start small. Can you find out where he works? Willow nods. Cut to Ted's office. Buffy spots Ted at his desk and moves into the snack area to observe him. Neal has the desk next to Ted's. They're both talking with customers over their headsets. Neal: Yeah, i-i-it's a terrific product. No PC should be without it. Ted: No, Mrs. Lawnsdale, it is not an inexpensive piece of software. As a matter of fact it's a very expensive one. Which removes the risk of crashing your whole system. Of course, if you prefer something cheap, I can always recommend... Trust me, you won't be sorry. Thank *you* very much. Ted takes off his headset and puts it down. Buffy sees him get up and quickly crouches down and hides under the snack table. Ted walks over to the sales board and makes another hack mark by his name. Ted: Goin' to lunch! He walks out the door. Buffy stands back up and watches him leave. She glances over at his desk and then back at the sales board again. Neal walks up to get a cup of coffee and notices her standing there. Neal: You're new, aren't ya? (grabs the coffee pot) Buffy: Oh... Neal: I'm Neal. (pours a cup) Buffy: I'm B... Linda. Belinda. I'm just temping for the day. (looks at the board) Wow, that guy's a salesman. I guess he's the one to b*at around here. Neal: Nobody beats 'The Machine'. The guy's a genius. Knows everything about computers, never loses a client... If I sound bitter, I am. (takes a sip of his coffee) Buffy: Well, nobody likes an overachiever. (Neal chuckles) Uh, he's probably got ex-wives and, and families to support. Neal: He's just got a girlfriend. I'm amazed he let her clutter his desk. He looks at Ted's desk and Buffy follows his gaze. There's a single picture frame on it beside the computer and nothing else. Neal: Thank God he's taking off for the wedding. Buffy: (surprised) The wedding? Neal: Yeah, he's got it set for two months from now. Believe me, I am counting the days. (spots his boss) Uh-oh, the ueber-boss. Back to the salt mines. (walks off) Buffy casually makes her way to Ted's desk, looking around to see if anyone notices her. She looks at the picture, and it strikes her as familiar. She takes it, opens up the back and pulls it out. She notices it's folded, and when she unfolds it she sees it's the picture of her and her mother from their refrigerator at home with her own face folded back. Cut to dinner at home. Buffy, Joyce and Ted are seated at the dining room table. Ted is saying grace. Ted: We thank you for what we are about to receive, and we ask that you bless this house, and help the people in it to be more productive, more considerate and more honest. Amen. Joyce: Amen. Ted and Joyce lay their napkins in their laps. Joyce takes up her fork and starts in. Ted: Well, another great day at work! How was school today, Buffy? Did you learn anything? Buffy: Quite a bit. Ted: Good for you! Well, Joycie, what do you think? Joyce: I think every home should have one of you. It's fantastic! (smiles) (to Buffy) Don't you think? Ted smiles over at Buffy. Buffy: Looks good. Ted: Well, you know, little lady, it's not just for looks, it's for building strong bodies. Buffy just sits there staring at Ted. Joyce: (looks at Buffy) Honey? Buffy: Are you two engaged? Ted raises his head in realization. Joyce: Goodness, no! Whatever gave you that idea? Ted: Now, Joycie, let me handle this. Buffy, your mother and I are taking it one step at a time. And if things go the way I hope, maybe someday soon I just might ask her to tie the knot. How would you feel about that? (silence from Buffy) It's okay to have feelings, Buffy, and it's okay to express them. Buffy: I'd feel like k*lling myself. Joyce: Buffy! Ted: No, no, I, I told her to be honest. (to Buffy) Sweetheart, you should try and get used to me, 'cause you know what? I'm not going anywhere. Buffy: (to Joyce) May I be excused? Joyce: You can go to your room, young lady, that's where you can go. Buffy gets up and leaves the table without another word. Joyce: Ted, I (exhales) I am so embarrassed! I-I-I don't know what's wrong with her! Ted: Joycie, (takes her hand) you don't get to be salesman of the year by giving up after a couple of rejections. She'll come 'round. He smiles at her and takes his glass for a sip. Cut to the park. Buffy is sitting on a swing, tapping a stake in her hand, hoping some vampires will show up. Buffy: Vampires... Here, vampires... She exhales, frustrated that she can't work out her anger, and decides to head home. Cut inside her room. She climbs up to her window and crawls in. Inside she finds Ted waiting in a chair for her to come home. Buffy: What are you doing in here? Ted: Your mother told you to go to your room, Buffy. You and I both know she didn't mean climb out a window and go gallivanting about town. Buffy: First of all, this is *my* room, second... (sees her Slayer stuff lying on her desk) You've been going through my things? Ted: Yes, I have. Buffy: That's my personal property! How *dare* you?! Ted: I don't see how it's any different from you snooping around my office, do you? (raises her diary and reads) What exactly is a Vampire Slayer? Buffy: It's none of your business. Ted: Beg to differ, little lady. Everything you do is nothing *but* my business from now on. Buffy: I think you better get out of here. Now! Ted: Or what? (stands up and steps toward her) You'll slay me? I'm real. I'm not some goblin you made up in your little diary. Psychiatrists have a word for something like this: delusional. So, from now on, you'll do what I say, when I say, or I show this (holds up her diary) to your mother, and you'll spend your best dating years behind the wall of a mental institution. Your mother and I are going to be happy. You're not going to stand in the way. Sleep tight! He starts to leave the room, and opens the door to go out. Buffy follows him and grabs hold of his hand that has her diary. Buffy: That's mine, and you are *not* leaving this room with it! Ted: Take your hand off me. Buffy: No. Ted slaps her hard, almost punching her, and makes her h*t the wall. Buffy: Ohhh! (straightens back up to face him) I was *so* hoping you'd do that. She punches him squarely in the jaw, and he staggers back into the open door. He pushes himself upright and backhands her in the face, making her fall against the side of her bed and onto the floor. He picks her up by the shirt collar, but she kicks him in the shin. Joyce comes to the door to see what all the noise is about. Joyce: Buffy! Stop that! Buffy elbows him in the face. Joyce: Stop it! Buffy kicks him in the chest, making him stagger backward out into the hall, where Joyce has to quickly move out of the way. Buffy follows him into the hall and punches him in the face again. Ted trips down to the end of the hall before regaining his balance, and Buffy is there to kick him again. He spins around and falls down the stairs, tumbling to the bottom. When he hits the floor his neck sounds like it has broken. Joyce comes running down the stairs after him. Joyce: Ted... She kneels next to him and tries to shake him awake. Joyce: Ted! Ted! Buffy slowly descends the stairs. Joyce takes Ted's arm to feel for a pulse. When she doesn't find one she drops his arm and looks up at Buffy. Joyce: You k*lled him! Buffy stares down at Ted's unmoving body, not believing what just happened. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The foyer at the Summers house. Ted's body is zipped up into a body bag. The coroners wheel him out of the house on a gurney. Outside Buffy is sitting on the porch steps by the pillar. Joyce watches as the coroners wheel Ted's body away. She is approached by Detective Stein. Det. Stein: Ma'am, I'm Detective Stein. I'm sorry, but I need to ask you a few questions. Your relationship with the deceased? Joyce: We were, uh, seeing each other. Det. Stein: Can you tell me what happened? Joyce: He fell. Down the stairs, he fell. Det. Stein: I see. Uh, did he slip? Do you know what made him fall? Buffy: I h*t him. Detective Stein turns to look at her sitting on the steps. Buffy: I h*t him. Cut to the police station. Joyce is sitting by Detective Stein's desk, waiting to find out what's going to happen. The camera pans across the room and over to her, looking apprehensive. Cut to the interrogation room. Buffy is sitting at the table, looking down while being interviewed. Buffy: He was in my room. And we got into an argument. Det. Stein: About what? Buffy: He, um... Det. Stein: Was this the first time that you two had had an argument? Buffy: (looks up) No. He thr*at me. He, he said that he would slap me. Det. Stein: That was tonight. Buffy: No. But he had my diary, and I-I tried to take it back, a-and that's when he h*t me. Det. Stein: Where? Buffy raises her hand to indicate her right cheek. Detective Stein leans over to have a look. Det. Stein: Well, it doesn't look like he h*t you very hard. Buffy: I don't bruise easily. Det. Stein: So you've been h*t before? Buffy: Yes. Det. Stein: But Ted never h*t you. Buffy: I told you... Det. Stein: Before tonight, Ted never h*t you before tonight? Buffy: What do you want? I-I told you what happened, I didn't mean to! Det. Stein: I believe you. Things get outta hand. He's a big guy. He writes some notes on his pad. Buffy can only watch. Joyce: Are you charging her with something? Cut to Joyce still sitting by Detective Stein's desk. Det. Stein: We're not bringing anything up against your daughter right now. She says Mr. Buchanan struck her, and if that's the case... (shrugs) Anyway, we've gotta examine it further. Right now I think you should just take her home, and the two of you should try and get some rest. Cut to the street. They're driving home in Joyce's Jeep. Cut inside the car. Buffy is looking down sadly. She glances over to her mother briefly, then out the side window. Cut to school the next day. Buffy comes into the hall from outside, and everyone seems to be looking at her as she slowly makes her way to the lounge. Cut to the lounge. Xander and Willow catch up with her. Xander: Buffy! They climb the steps up to the couches. Xander: Are you okay? Willow: How come you're here? Buffy: I couldn't stay at home. (she and Willow sit) Mom won't even look at me. Xander sits on the table facing them. Willow: What happened? Unless you don't want to talk about it. Buffy: We had a fight and I lost my temper. I really let him have it. Willow: The paper said he fell. Buffy: He fell. Hard. Xander: What was he? Buffy: What? Xander: What was he? A-a demon? A giant bug? Some kind of dark god with the secrets of nouvelle cuisine? I mean, we are talking creature- feature here, right? Buffy looks at him a moment and then lowers her eyes. Xander: Oh man! Willow: But I'm sure it wasn't your fault. He started it. Buffy: Yeah. That defense only works in six-year-old court, Will. Xander: Court? Wa-wait. Are they charging you with something? Buffy: (shakes her head) I-I don't know. Not yet. Willow looks at her sympathetically. Buffy: (eyes down) He was a person, and I k*lled him. Willow: Don't say that! Buffy: (looks up at Willow) Why not? Everyone else is. And it's the truth. Xander: It was an accident. Buffy: I'm the Slayer. I had no right to h*t him like that. Xander: Look, Buffy, I don't know what happened exactly. But I do know you. And I know you would never hurt anyone intentionally. Well, you know, unless... Buffy: Unless they were dating my mother? Xander has no response to that. Buffy: I gotta go. She gets up and leaves at a quick pace. Xander and Willow watch her go and look at each other for what to do. Cut to the hall. Buffy comes striding around the corner. Ahead of her Giles comes out of a classroom and nods to a man standing outside the door, then sees her coming. Giles: Buffy? Buffy stops in her tracks, but stays to face him. Giles: Are you alright? Buffy just looks up at him. Giles: Oh, uh, stupid question, I'm sorry. Look, i-i-if there's anything you need, of course, just, just ask. Buffy: (notices the man guarding the door) What's going on? (walks toward the classroom) Giles: Oh, you needn't worry about that. They're just asking a few questions, your, your, your behavior and... um... uh... Buffy looks into the room through the door window and sees Detective Stein talking with two of her teachers. Giles: Of course, I told them you, uh... I... Buffy quickly walks off. Cut to the library. Willow and Cordelia are at the table. Willow is surfing for information. Giles is behind them in the cage getting together some w*apon. Xander is pacing. Xander: Man, this is k*lling me! That bastard was up to something, I know it. If I could just get my hands on him... Willow gives him a look. Xander: Earlier this week. Cordelia: I thought you liked him. Xander: (steps over to her) I sometimes like things that are not good for me. Besides, no way, no how does Buffy put the big hurt on an innocent man. Nice Uncle Ted was dirty. Giles comes out of the cage with his bag in one hand and the crossbow in the other. Willow: We've gotta prove that somehow. Xander, do you have a pen? Giles sets the bag on the table and puts the crossbow in. Xander opens his satchel to get a pen. Xander: If Buffy has to go to jail because of that creep I'm gonna lose it. He's gotta be in there, Will. Uh, history of domestic v*olence, a criminal record? (finds a zip-lock bag) Ooo! Cookies! Giles goes back into the cage for more w*apon. Cordelia: I don't get it. Buffy's the Slayer. Shouldn't she have... Xander: What, a license to k*ll? (takes a bite of a cookie) Cordelia: Well, not for fun. But she's like this superman. Shouldn't there be different rules for her? Willow: Sure, in a fascist society. Cordelia: Right! Why can't we have one of those? Willow: Buffy's not going to jail. It's not fair. Giles: (comes back) Whatever the authorities have planned for her, it can't be much worse than what she's doing to herself. (adds an ax and other stuff to the bag) She's taken a human life. The guilt, it-it's, it's pretty hard to bear, and it won't go away soon. Cordelia: I guess you should know, since you helped raise that demon that k*lled that guy that time? Giles: Yes. Do let's bring that up as often as possible. (heads back to the cage) Xander: So, Giles, you takin' over tonight? (takes another bite of his cookie) Giles: Um, well, Buffy's not in any shape to patrol. (comes back to the table) The least I can do is pick up the slack. Someone has to. (adds several crosses to the bag) Willow: Giles, you shouldn't go out there without the Slayer. Giles: Until Buffy regains her equilibrium, there *is* no Slayer. Xander takes another bite of his cookie. Cordelia: If you need help... Giles: No, uh, Buffy needs your help more than I. You carry on investigating, see if you can find out as much about this Buchanan chap as possible. (takes up the bag to go) Willow: Be careful. Giles: I-I will. (leaves) Willow: Ted's got no criminal record! Damn! This guy's like citizen of the year! Xander: Don't sweat it. It'll be fine. Willow: Don't sweat it? Xander: Yeah, cute buddy! (goes over to her) We'll work it out! (ruffles her hair) No worries! Cordelia: What happened to 'this is k*lling me'? Xander: (shakes his cookie at Cordelia) Worrying isn't gonna solve any problems. The cookie catches Willow's eye and she grabs it from Xander, breaking off most of it. She turns it in her hand as she looks at it. Cut to Buffy's house. Cut to the kitchen. Joyce is packing away a bunch of baking pans and bowls. Buffy comes in and stands at the door, fidgeting with her hands. Buffy: Can I help? Joyce: It's done. I've been meaning to clean out this junk for months. Do you, uh, have homework? Buffy: I didn't mean to hurt him. Joyce: I don't wanna talk about this. Buffy: Mom, please, you have to know... Joyce: I can't, not yet. Please, Buffy, just go to your room. Buffy looks like she's about to burst into tears as she turns to go to her room. Joyce waits for a moment, almost crying herself, too, then picks up the box and takes it into the basement. Cut to the science lab at school. Several cookies are sitting on a scale. Willow is staring into a microscope. Willow: Okay! Xander: What do we know? Willow: Well, apparently the secret ingredient (looks up from the scope) is not love. Xander: What is it then? Willow: I'm not positive, but I think it's Dematorin. It's like a tranquilizer, keeps you all mellow and compliant. It also shares a few components with Ecstasy. Xander: This is evidence! This is real evidence that Ted was some kind of a crook! Buffy's cleared! Willow, you are the best human ever! I adore you! She gives him a wide smile. Xander: Well, that's the cookies talkin', but you rock! Cordelia: (comes into the lab) Well, your search finally h*t pay dirt. You got some personal records, marriage certificates and an address. (puts the printouts on the table) Xander: Well, let's check it out, get our Slayer back on her feet before somebody else gets hurt. They all head out of the lab. Willow grabs the printouts on the way. Cut to the park. Giles is walking slowly past some bushes, w*apon bag in hand, when he's startled and spins around holding up a cross. Giles: Ah! Jenny: Yeah, I get that reaction from men all the time. Giles: Jenny! What are you doing here? Jenny: I saw your car back there. I wanted to apologize. Giles: Well, now is... not the best time to go ta... Jenny: No, no, please, please, lemme just, lemme get this out. (exhales) I was sooo... harsh the other day. I am so sorry. I mean, I know how badly you must feel about putting me in danger before, and... Giles: (looks past her) Right in harm's view now. A vampire comes out of the bushes behind Jenny and growls at them. Cut to Buffy's room. She's sitting at her desk facing into the room. She hears a noise. Buffy: Mom? (silence) (exhales) The hell with this. She gets up and strides over to her window. She tries to lift the sash, but it's stuck in place. She looks as it and sees the problem. Buffy: She nailed it shut. Well, it's official, this day can't get any worse. She senses something behind her and spins around to see Ted standing there. Ted: Beg to differ. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ Buffy's room. She has her back to the window as Ted confronts her. Buffy: You died. Ted: That's right, little lady, you k*lled me. Do we have something to say about that? Are we sorry? Buffy: What are you? Ted: I'm a salesman! That's what you should've remembered. No matter how you put him down... He grabs her by the strap of her coveralls and yanks her across the room. She falls into her desk chair. Ted: ...a good salesman always bounces back! Cut to the park. The vampire roars and att*cks. Jenny screams in fright and jumps aside, so the vampire crashes into Giles, grabbing him and pulling him to the ground with him. Giles holds his cross in the vampire's face. Giles: (to Jenny) MY BAG! Jenny jumps over to the dropped bag and pulls out the crossbow. Giles struggles with the vampire and punches him in the face, but the vampire isn't fazed. Giles punches him again harder, and this time the vampire pulls away far enough for Giles to get his foot underneath him to push him off. The vampire lands on his back while Giles scrambles to his feet. The vampire jumps up and starts to wrestle with Giles. Jenny in the mean time has loaded a bolt into the crossbow and anxiously looks for an opening. They turn back and forth, not giving Jenny a clear sh*t. Cut to Buffy's room. She gets to her feet as Ted comes for her. She immediately kicks him in the gut and follows up with a left to the jaw. Ted flinches, but doesn't back off. Buffy punches him twice in the stomach and again in the face, but he isn't fazed, and he grabs her by the throat and backs her into and over her desk, pinning her against the wall. Ted: You see I had to shut down for a while to get you off my back. You should've seen the intern's face when I got up off the table, it was a hoot! Fun's over, though. He wraps his other hand around her throat and begins to squeeze. Cut to the park. Giles and the vampire continue to wrestle, constantly turning so that Jenny still doesn't have a clear sh*t. At one point the turning stops, and Jenny decides it's time for her to sh**t. Jenny: Say good night, big guy! The vampire turns Giles around just as Jenny lets the bolt fly, and it hits Giles in the lower left of his back. Giles: AHHH! Jenny lowers the crossbow and looks at them, shocked by what happened. Jenny: OH, GOD! The vampire lets go of Giles and steps back. Giles grabs the shaft of the bolt and bends over in pain. Jenny: Oh, no! She bends down to the bag and searches frantically for another bolt. Vampire: (laughs) Nice sh*t, lady! Giles rends the bolt from his back and jams it into the vampire's chest. Jenny has found another bolt and stands back up to see Giles let go of the bolt. The vampire falls to the ground and explodes into ashes. Jenny stares in shock and relief at what she's just seen. Cut to Buffy's room. Ted tightens his grip on Buffy's throat. She looks over at her nightstand for anything to use as a w*apon and reaches for her nail file that's lying there. She grabs it and s*ab Ted in the left forearm with it. Ted yanks his arm away from her, slicing it open on the file as he jerks back. Buffy collapses to the floor. Ted: That wasn't playing fair, missy! He grabs his left wrist with his right hand and looks down at the wound. There are torn wires and sparks and smoke coming from it. Ted: You're gonna find... His head jerks to the right when some short circuits result from the cut. Ted: Hell of a day! Makes you feel like you're eighteen again! (his head jerks back) ...that I don't like being disobeyed! Cut downstairs. Joyce comes out of the basement with another empty box and closes the door behind her. Cut to Buffy's room. Ted hears the sound of the door closing downstairs. He kicks Buffy in the jaw, and knocks her out. He goes to her door, opens it and looks out into the hall. He gives Buffy another look as he pulls his sleeve down over the cut in his arm. His head jerks again from another short. Ted: Don't worry about me and your mother. We're gonna be very happy! He leaves the room and closes and locks the door behind him. Cut to Ted's small workshop. Xander looks in through the multi-paned window and sees the place is dark and empty. He breaks one of the panes with a crowbar and uses it to knock out the broken glass. Willow: Careful! Xander reaches in through the window and opens the door from inside. He looks in as Willow comes to stand in the doorway also, and they scan around the place with their flashlights. Slowly they walk in with Cordelia right behind them. Xander: Let's look around. Willow looks over the paperwork they have on him. Cordelia: I'll take the back. Xander: Check for cookies. Willow gives Xander a look. Xander: For evidence! Willow: So far I've counted four marriage certificates. Xander: (looks at some shelves) Any divorce papers? Willow: Not a one. Xander: So either our boy was a Mormon, or... Willow: (notices) Whoa, whoa, 1957! Ted musta married young! Like pre- school young. Cordelia: (comes from the back) Nothing interesting back here. Doesn't look like anybody's worked here, let alone lived here. Xander: Something's missing here. This doesn't seem like Ted at all. Cordelia: (looks down) Yeah, and this rug? It doesn't go with the rest of the decor. Xander looks down at the new-looking Oriental rug. He and Willow exchange a look. Xander steps back off of the rug and lifts it back. Underneath is a trap door.

{"type": "series", "show": "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", "episode": "02x11 - Ted"}

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