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n izleri ekleniyor, şimdi bile kaçan, gizlenen biri olmanın bilinci ise hepsinden ağır basıyordu.
Tüm oturuş kalkışlarında, yiyiş içişlerinde, omuzlarını kısıp isteksiz, dalgın dönüp dolanışlarında, o kocaman, boynuz saplı çakısını cebinden çıkarıp pantolonuna sildikten sonra lokmalarını doğrayışında, hafifçecik bardaklarla kadehleri sapsız, hantal, ağır birer tasmışlar gibi tutup kaldırışında, ekmeğinin bir köşesini kesip tabağındaki sosa banarak, payına düşenin zerresinin bile boşa gitmesini istemezcesine, döndüre dolaştıra, sosu en son damlasına kadar sıyırışında, sonunda parmaklarını da lokmaya sildikten sonra lokmayı yutuşunda... bütün bu davranışlarında ve günün her dakikasında yaptığı yüzlerce adsız, ufak tefek şeylerde, onun kişiliğindeki "suçlu", "mahkûm", "tutsak" açıkça sırıtıyordu.
Saçını pudralamayı kendisi akıl etmişti. Kısa pantolondan onu caydırabildimse de pudraya boyun eğdim. Ne var ki pudra sürüldüğü zaman aldığımız sonucu yalnızca ölü yüzüne sürülen allıkla kıyaslayabilirim; adamın kişiliğinde gizli tutulması gereken ne varsa hepsinin bu yalınkat yapmacığı delip geçmesi, tepesinden yalazlanıp fışkırırmışçasına göze batması böylesine korkunçtu. Pudra tasarısından dener denemez caydık; adam kendi kır saçlarını kısa kestirmekle yetindi.
Bu adam benim gözümde öyle tüyler ürpertici bir bilmeceydi ki bunu anlatacak söz bulamıyorum. Akşamları rahat koltuğunda, o boğum boğum damarlı elleri koltuğunun yanlarına yapışmış, dövmeyi andırır derin kırışıklıklarla kaplı dazlak kafası göğsüne düşmüş olarak uyuyup kaldığı zamanlarda oturduğum yerden ona bakarak, "Acaba işlediği suç neydi?" diye meraka kapılıyordum. Başlıyordum _Newgate Takvimi_ 'ndeki18 tüm suçları ona yüklemeye! Öyle ki, bir süre sonra, kalkıp tabanları yağlayarak ondan kaçmamak için kendimi zor tutuyordum! Ona karşı duyduğum tiksinti her geçen saatle biraz daha artıyordu. Herbert'in yakında geleceğini bilmesem bu duyguların işkencesine dayanamayarak, bu adamın benim için bütün yaptıklarına, içinde bulunduğ | -0.347809 | -1.875077 | -1.616479 | -1.097393 | [
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um büyük tehlikeye bile aldırmadan, daha başlangıçta kaçar giderdim sanıyorum... Bir gece yataktan kalktım, sırtıma en eski giysilerimi geçirmeye bile başladım! O telaş arasında bir yandan da varımı yoğumu ona bırakmayı, gönüllü asker olarak Hindistan'a gitmeyi kuruyordum.
O ıssız odalarda geçirdiğim upuzun akşamlar, daha da uzun geceler boyunca dışarıda yağmurla rüzgâr durup dinlenmeksizin camlara vururken eve bir hortlak dadansa içime bundan büyük bir dehşet salamazdı. Bir hortlağın hiç değilse benim yüzümden yakalanıp asılma olasılığı yoktu. Oysa bu adamın yakalanıp asılabileceğinin düşüncesi, bunun kaçınılmazlığının korkusu içimdeki dehşete dehşet katıyordu.
Provis uykuda olmadığı ya da üzerinde taşıdığı eski püskü bir deste iskambil kâğıdıyla karmaşık bir _Patience_19 oynamadığı zamanlar (kazandığını elindeki çakıyı masaya saplayarak gösterdiği bu oyunu o zamana dek hiç görmemiştim, sonradan da hiç görmedim); evet, Provis bu iki uğraşından birine dalmış değilse benden yüksek sesle kitap okumamı isterdi. "Ecnebi dilinden olsun; sevgili oğlum!" Ben onun isteğini yerine getirirken o, okuduklarımın tek sözünü anlamaksızın ocak başında durur, yapıtını sergileyenlerin övüncüyle beni süzerdi. Yüzümün önüne gerdiğim parmaklarımın arasından görebilirdim onu; dilsizcilik oynayarak odadaki eşyaya beni gösterir; bilgimi, hünerimi onların dikkatine sunardı.
Hani romanlarda okuduğumuz hayal ürünü bir bilim öğrencisi vardır; Tanrı'ya meydan okuyarak yarattığı biçimsiz canavardan kaçıp kurtulmaya çalışan bu kişinin derdi benimkinden büyük olamazdı; yalnız ben, beni yaratmış olan canavardan kaçmaya yelteniyordum; o beni övüp sevdikçe benim ona karşı duyduğum tiksinti büsbütün artıyordu.
Bu dönemi, bir yıl filan sürmüş gibi bir anlatımla yazdığımı biliyorum. Gerçekte dört-beş gün sürdü. Her dakika Herbert'in gelmesini umduğumdan evden ayrılmayı göze alamıyor, ancak ortalık kararınca Provis'i hava almaya çıkarıyordum.
Derken bir akşam, yemekten sonra yorgunluktan uyuyup kaldığım bir sırada (çünkü uykularım korkulu düşlerle bölündüğünden, büt | -0.259968 | -1.721083 | -1.479522 | -1.075281 | [
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6621
] | 1,334,895 | 373,760 | Book | -1 | -1 |
ün gecelerim tedirgin, yüreğim ağzımdaydı), merdivende beklediğim ayak sesini duyarak sevinç içinde yerimden kalktım.
Provis de kestirmekteydi; benim çıkardığım hafif gürültü üzerine o da sarsak sarsak yerinden kalktı. O dakika elinde çakısının parıltısını gördüm.
"Şşş, Herbert bu gelen," dedim.
Herbert coşkuyla içeri daldı. Dokuz yüz kilometrelik Fransa yolculuğunun köpüklü neşesi üstünden akıyordu.
"Handel, sevgili dostum, nasılsın bakalım? Daha daha nasılsın, başka ne var ne yok, ha? Görüşmeyeli yıl olmuş gibi geliyor! Sahiden de yıl oldu mu yoksa, baksana, nasıl sararıp solmuş, iğne ipliğe dönmüşsün! Herbert, sevgili... Aa, şey... çok özür dilerim."
Herbert elimi sıkarken sürdürmekte olduğu şen gevezeliği Provis'i görünce kesiverdi. Gözlerini ona dikmiş bakan Provis çakısını yavaş yavaş doğrultmakta, öbür cebinde de bir şeyler aranmaktaydı.
Herbert aval aval bakınadursun, ben iki kapıyı da kapayarak, "Herbert, sevgili dostum, çok tuhaf bir şey oldu," dedim. "Bu bay benim... benim konuğum."
Provis, "Sen her işi bana bırak, oğlum," diyerek cebinden çıkardığı o küçük, kara kaplı kitapla ilerledi. Herbert'e dönerek, "Bunu sağ elinde tut," dedi. "Verdiğin sözden şuncacık cayarsan Tanrı hemen oracıkta seni çarpıp canını alsın. Öp şimdi bunu!"
Ben Herbert'e, "Dediği gibi yap," dedim.
Herbert dost bir şaşkınlık, güler yüzlü bir tedirginlikle bana bakarak isteneni yerine getirdi.
Provis de o saat onun elini sıkarak, "Şimdi yeminlisin artık," dedi. "Bunu unutmayasın. Benim Pip seni de kendisi gibi beyefendi yapacak, evlat. Yapmazsa beni de Kitap çarpsın!"
18. (İng.) _Newgate Calender_ (Takvim): Ünlü mahkûmların biyografilerini içeren bir yayın. Beş ciltlik baskısı 1771'de yayımlandı. (Y.N.)
19. (İng.) Tek başına oynanan bir iskambil oyunu. (Y.N.)
# 41
Üçümüz birden ateş başına oturup da ben her şeyi olduğu gibi açıkladığım zaman Herbert'in uğradığı şaşkınlıkla tedirginliği size nasıl anlatayım? Herbert'in yüzünde kendi duygularımın yansımasını gördüğümü ve bunların arasında velinimetime | -0.448138 | -1.667364 | -1.423724 | -1.067477 | [
-0.44608368839311024,
-0.4501927146801066
] | [
-1.9538645960577898,
-1.3808634500386798
] | [
-1.7407545303202512,
-1.1066942739741839
] | [
-1.1038963741881629,
-1.0310580066770823
] | 1,024 | [
512,
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] | 1,334,895 | 374,784 | Book | -1 | -1 |
karşı beslediğim tiksintinin önemli bir yer tuttuğunu söylersem yeter sanıyorum.
Başka hiçbir aykırılık olmasa bile benim anlattığım öyküden duyduğu zafer dolu mutluluk, onunla bizim aramıza bir perde gererdi. Geldiğinden bu yana bir kez işlediği kabalık kusurundan başka (ben öykümü bitirir bitirmez kendisi Herbert'e bu olayı uzun uzadıya anlattı), durumda bana hoşnutsuzluk verecek bir şeyler olabileceği, başıma konan devlet kuşundan herhangi bir nedenle yakınabileceğim, bu adamın aklının köşesinden bile geçmiyordu. Beni beyefendi yapmasıyla, su gibi harcadığı paralar sayesinde benim tam bir beyefendi olarak yaşayışımı görmeye gelmesiyle, kendi hesabına olduğu kadar benim hesabıma da böbürleniyordu. Bunun ikimiz için de övünülecek, koltuk kabartıcı bir şey olduğundan hiçbir kuşkusu yoktu.
Bir süre konuştuktan sonra, "Bana bak, Pip'ciğimin can dostu," diye ekledi. "Buraya geldikten sonra, yarım dakika için kendimi unutup kaba konuştuğumu bilmez değilim. Pip'e de söyledim bunu, avam ağzıyla konuştuğumu biliyorum diye. Ama sakın bu konuda canını sıkma. Bizim Pip'i beyefendi yaptığıma göre, o da seni beyefendi yapacağına göre, beyefendilerin yanında nasıl davranılır biliyorum demektir. Sevgili evladım, Pip'ciğim ve Pip'in dostu, ikiniz de yüreğinizi ferah tutun. Ağzıma her zaman için kibarlık gemini vuracağım; güvenin buna. Zaten kendimi unutup bayağılaştığım o yarım dakikadan sonra taktım bile bu gemi; şu dakikada gemim ağzımda, bir daha da hiç çıkmayacak!"
Herbert, "Hiç kuşkusuz," dediyse de Provis'in sözlerinde kesin bir avuntu bulmuşa benzemiyor, hâlâ şaşkın, tedirgin duruyordu.
İkimiz de konuğumuz bir an önce kendi pansiyonuna gitse de baş başa kalsak diye sabırsızlanıyorduk. Gel gör ki bizden ayrılmayı besbelli hiç canı istemeyen Provis geç saatlere kadar oturdu. Onu Essex Sokağı'na götürüp de pansiyonunun karanlık kapısından içeri bir selamet soktuğumda gecenin yarısı olmuştu. Kapı üstüne kapandığı zaman, ilk geldiği geceden bu yana ilk olarak derin bir oh çektim.
Merdivende rastladığım adam hiç aklımdan çıkmadığı için karanlık bastırdıktan sonra konuğum | -0.417321 | -1.828521 | -1.601261 | -1.223559 | [
-0.38992699580416107,
-0.4447140129641115
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] | 1,334,895 | 375,808 | Book | -1 | -1 |
u hava aldırmaya çıkardığım zamanlar her seferinde gidişimizde de dönüşümüzde de ürkek ürkek çevremi süzmekten hiç geri kalmamıştım. Şimdi de dört bir yanımı gözleyip duruyordum. Büyük kentlerde insan tehlikede olduğuna, gözetlendiğine inanmışsa hemen her gördüğünün kendini gözetlediğinden kuşkulanmaması elinde değildir. Gene de ben rastladığım birkaç kişinin benimle özel olarak ilgilendiklerine ihtimal vermedim. Herkes kendi yoluna gidiyordu. Geri döndüğüm zaman da sokak bomboştu. Avlu kapısından bizimle birlikte aynı anda çıkan olmadığı gibi, şimdi benimle birlikte bir giren de olmadı. Havuzun yanından geçerken Provis'in ışıklı, sakin duran arka pencerelerine şöyle bir göz attım. İçeri girmeden önce kapı önünde bir süre durdum. Avluda hiçbir yaşam belirtisi yoktu; merdivenlerde de öyle.
Herbert beni kucaklayıp bağrına bastı. İnsanın dünyada bir dostu olmasının mutluluğunu hiç böyle derinden duymamıştım. Herbert anlayış dolu, gene de yüreklendirici birkaç söz söyledi, sonra oturduk, ne yapacağımızı düşünüp taşınmaya başladık.
Provis'in koltuğu boş duruyordu. Provis'in koltuğu diyorum, çünkü bu adam kışlada askermiş de yazılı bir kurallar listesini izlermiş gibi hep bir yerde, diken üstünde durmak, hep aynı sırayla aynı şeyleri yapmak (piposu, kara kafa tütünü, çakısı, iskambil kâğıtları, vb.) gibi bir huyu vardı. Dediğim gibi koltuğu boş durduğundan Herbert önce bilmeden oraya oturdu, sonra hemen kalkarak koltuğu itti, gidip bir başka yere oturdu. Velinimetime karşı tiksinti duyduğunu söylemesine gerek kalmamıştı artık, ne de benim kendi içimdeki tiksintiyi açıklamama... Bu sırrı tek bir hece konuşmadan paylaşmış oluyorduk.
Herbert kendini başka bir koltuğa attığı zaman ben hemen, "Ne yapacağız şimdi?" diye sordum. "Ne yapabiliriz?"
Herbert başını elleri arasına alarak, "Benim zavallı, Handel'im," dedi. "Öyle beynimden vurulmuş gibiyim ki düşünemiyorum."
"Başımı bu taşa ilk çarptığımda ben de öyleydim, Herbert. Ama artık bir şeyler yapmalıyız. Bu adam yeni yeni harcamalar yapmayı aklına koymuş; atlar, arabalar, binbir türlü göz kamaştırıcı kılıklar. Ne yapıp edip engelle | -0.424169 | -1.738989 | -1.449087 | -0.970576 | [
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] | 1,334,895 | 376,832 | Book | -1 | -1 |
meliyiz onu."
"Yani... bunları kabul..."
"Nasıl kabul edebilirim?" diye Herbert'in sözünü kestim. "Bir düşünsene kim olduğunu. Bir baksana suratına."
İkimiz de elimizde olmadan tepeden tırnağa ürperdik.
"Ama işin en kötüsü adam beni gerçekten evlat gibi biliyor, Herbert. Korkunç ama gerçek; candan seviyor beni. Hay aksi şeytan!"
Herbert, "Benim zavallı, sevgili Handel'im," dedi gene.
"Sonra," diye ekledim, "şimdi bu işi burada kessem, ondan artık tek kuruş bile almasam, şimdiye kadar bana verdiklerini, ona neler borçlu olduğumu bir düşünsene! Öte yandan boğazıma kadar da borç içindeyim; boğazıma kadar diyorum, çünkü artık ileride elime bol para geçecek diye bir umudum yok; belirli bir meslek için yetiştirilmiş değilim, elimden hiçbir iş gelmez. Hiçbir işe yaramam ben."
Herbert, "Canım, durumu abartıyorsun; hiçbir işe yaramam ne demek?" diye sözlerime karşı çıktı.
"Ne işe yararım peki? Aklıma bir tek şey geliyor, o da askere yazılmak. Aklımdan geçmedi de değil. Belki gerçekten giderdim ya, bana dostça, yürekten, benim iyiliğimi düşünerek öğüt vereceğini bildiğim için, seni bekledim."
Burada, gözlerim yaş içinde kaldı; Herbert de tabii ki bunu görmezlikten gelerek elime sıkıca yapışmakla yetindi. Biraz sonra da, "Her neyse, sevgili Handel, sen askerliği bir kalem geç," dedi. "Bu adamın yakınlığıyla yardımlarını geri çevirirsen sanırım bundan önce gördüğün yardımları bir gün ödeyebilmek umuduyla yaparsın bu işi. Gelgelelim asker olursan bu umudunu gerçekleştirme şansın pek zayıf olur gibi geliyor bana. Hem zaten düşüncesi bile gülünç bu işin. Bizim Clarriker'in firmasına girmen bin kat yeğdir bence. Ufak bir yer ama, ne de olsa. Hem biliyorsun, beni zamanla ortaklığa da alacaklar."
Zavallı çocuk! Bu ortaklığı kimin parasıyla gerçekleştirebileceği konusunda en ufak bir fikri yoktu.
"Bir sorun daha var," diye sözünü sürdürdü. "Uzun yıllardır tek bir saplantıyla yaşamış olan, cahil, sabit fikirli bir adam bu. Dahası, belki haksızlık ediyorum ama, aklına taktığı amaç için hiçbir şeyden sakınmayacak olan, azılı bir kişiye benziyor."
"Öyledir; ben bilirim onu," dedim. "Bunu kanıt | -0.310828 | -1.99684 | -1.654522 | -1.168931 | [
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] | 1,334,895 | 377,856 | Book | -1 | -1 |
layan olayı anlatayım sana."
Ve Herbert'e bundan önce anlatmamış olduğum şeyi, öbür mahkûm olayını anlattım.
Herbert, "İşte bak, görüyorsun ya," dedi. "Şöyle düşün. Bu adam saplantısını gerçekleştirebilmek uğruna kellesini koltuğuna alıp buralara geliyor. Bunca bekleyişten, bunca çabadan sonra tam muradına ereceği sırada sen onun güvendiği dağlara kar yağdırıyor, düşlerini yerle bir ediyor, başarılarını sıfıra indiriyorsun. Bu düş kırıklığıyla neler yapabileceğini hiç düşünebiliyor musun?"
"Düşünüyorum, Herbert. Çıkıp geldiği o uğursuz geceden beri uykularım kaçıyor bu yüzden. Bana içerleyip de gidip teslim olacak ya da kendini ele verecek diye ödüm kopuyor."
"Öyleyse hiç kuşkun olmasın, Handel, yapar mı yapar! Bence çok büyük bir olasılık bu, göze alınamayacak bir tehlike. O İngiltere'de kaldığı sürece bu yüzden senin elin kolun bağlı sayılır; yok, onu bırakıp gidersen yapacağı çılgınlık da budur."
İşin başından beri beni içimden çökertmiş olan bu düşüncenin dehşetiyle yeniden sarsıldım. Provis böyle bir şey yaparsa kendimi ister istemez onun katili olarak görmeyecek miydim? Yerimde duramayarak ayağa kalktım, bir aşağı bir yukarı dolaşmaya başladım. Bu arada bir yandan da Herbert'le konuşuyordum. Provis kendisi istemeden tanınıp ele geçse bile ben, ne denli masum olursam olayım, buna yol açtığım için perişan olacaktım. Evet, şu sırada onun serbest, yanımda olmasından ötürü de perişandım; öylesine ki bu durumda olmaktansa ömrümün sonuna dek köydeki demirci dükkânında çalışmak benim için bin kat daha yeğdi; gelgelelim Provis korktuğumuz şeyi yaparsa uğrayacağım perişanlığın yanında şimdiki hiç kalırdı.
Öte yandan ortada savsaklayamayacağımız bir de soru vardı: Ne yapacaktık?
Herbert, "Yapılacak ilk ve başlıca iş onu İngiltere'den uzaklaştırmaktır," diyordu. "Sen de yanına katılırsan belki buradan gitmeye razı olabilir."
"Ama onu nereye götürürsem götüreyim, geri dönmesini önleyemem ki."
"Sevgili Handel, Newgate Zindanı'nın buraya kapı komşusu olduğunu unutma. Ona içindekileri açıp kafasını kızdırdığın zaman | -0.35637 | -1.853589 | -1.517565 | -1.174133 | [
-0.32144322435422307,
-0.39129667123315987
] | [
-1.9610271103830288,
-1.7461516806258623
] | [
-1.5936525508479635,
-1.4414780893249073
] | [
-1.3016005145753822,
-1.0466662282865995
] | 1,024 | [
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] | 1,334,895 | 378,880 | Book | -1 | -1 |
buralardan uzaklarda bir yerde olmak çok daha hayırlı. Gün gibi ortada değil mi bu? Onu buradan uzaklaştırabilmek için öbür mahkûmu bahane edebilir miyiz? Ya da şimdiki yaşamıyla ilgili bir şey?"
Herbert'in karşısına geçip avuçlarımı açtım. Durumun çaresizliği sanki avuçlarımın içindeydi.
"Ama ben onun yaşamıyla ilgili hiçbir şey bilmiyorum ki! Kimi geceler ona baktıkça aklımı oynatacak gibi oluyorum; talihime, talihsizliklerime böylesine karışmış bir adam, gene de bana yabancı. Çocukluğumda iki gün korkudan ödümü koparan o sefil pranga kaçağı olduğundan öte bir şey bilmiyorum onunla ilgili."
Herbert kalkıp koluma girdi; birlikte, ağır ağır, bir aşağı bir yukarı dolaşarak yerdeki halıyı incelemeye koyulduk.
Derken Herbert birden durarak, "Handel," dedi. "Bu adamın yardımlarını bundan böyle kabul edemeyeceğine kesin inanıyorsun, öyle mi?"
"Yüzde yüz. Sen de benim yerimde olsan kabul edemezsin, öyle değil mi?"
"Onunla ilişkini kesmen gerektiğine de inanıyorsun?"
"Herbert, bunu sorman bile gereksiz, değil mi?"
"Öte yandan senin uğruna tehlikeye atmış olduğu candan da kendini sorumlu tutuyorsun; tutmamak elinde değil. Öyleyse, kendi durumunu kurtarmak için tek bir adım atmadan önce onu İngiltere'den uzaklaştırman gerek. Hele bunu bir başar, sonra da, Tanrı aşkına ne yap et, yakanı ondan sıyırmaya bak. Sonra da, el ele, baş başa verip bir çıkar yol buluruz elbet."
Bu sözler üzerine, başkaca hiç konuşmadan, söz verircesine tokalaşmak, sonra da gene bir aşağı bir yukarı dolaşmamızı sürdürmek ne büyük avuntuydu!
"Bak, Herbert," dedim. "Bu adamın hayatıyla ilgili bir şeyler öğrenmenin bir tek yolunu düşünebiliyorum. Yüzüne karşı açıkça sormak."
"Evet, sor," dedi Herbert. "Yarın sabah kahvaltıya oturduğumuzda sor."
Provis o gece Herbert'le vedalaşırken, ertesi sabah kahvaltıya bize geleceğini söylemişti. Bu planı yaptıktan sonra Herbert ile ben yattık. Gece velinimetimle ilgili bir sürü deli deli düş gördüm. Sabahleyin uyandığım zaman uykumu alamamış, dinlenememiştim. Uykuda unutmuş olduğum korku da uyanır uyanmaz karşıma dikildi: Ya onun yurda kaçak dönmüş bir "müebbet" olduğu | -0.450193 | -2.14009 | -1.537855 | -1.291195 | [
-0.49813135469506314,
-0.40225407466514995
] | [
-2.1329274541887617,
-2.1472524828392396
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-1.380608304715685,
-1.6951021918633342
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-1.2287621470643015,
-1.35362791994044
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] | 1,334,895 | 379,904 | Book | -1 | -1 |
ortaya çıkarsa? Uyanık olduğum saatlerde bu korku hiç içimden gitmiyordu.
Provis saatinde geldi, çakısını çıkarıp sofra başına oturdu. "Beyefendi, oğlunun tıpkı beyefendiler gibi parlayıp kendini göstermesi"yle ilgili bir sürü tasarı sıralıyor, bana emanet etmiş olduğu cüzdanındaki paraları hemen harcamaya başlayayım istiyordu. Bizim dairemizle kendi katını geçici birer barınak sayıyor, benden Hyde Park civarında onun şöyle rahat edip bacaklarını uzatabileceği "lüks bir kâşane" bulmamı istiyordu. Kahvaltısını bitirmiş, çakısını gene pantolon bacağına silmekteydi ki ben damdan düşercesine söze girişerek ona, "Dün gece, siz gittikten sonra arkadaşıma askerlerin bataklıkta sizi bulduğu geceyi anlattım," dedim. "O sırada bir başka hükümlüyle boğuşmakta olduğunuzu hani. Aklınızda mı?"
"Aklımda mı ha? Sanki unutabilirmişim gibi!"
"O adam kim, siz kimsiniz, bu konularda bir şeyler bilmek istiyoruz. Dün gece anlattığım olaylar dışında, hele sizinle ilgili olarak hiçbir şey bilmemek tuhaf geliyor doğrusu. Biraz bilgi edinmek için bundan iyi fırsat olmaz sanırım."
Adam biraz düşünüp taşındıktan sonra, "Pekâlâ," dedi. "Sen de yeminli olduğunu unutmuyorsun, değil mi?"
Herbert, "Elbette unutmuyorum," dedi.
Adam, "Ne dersem diyeyim, ne anlatırsam anlatayım," diye diretti. "Hepsi burada kalacak. Yoksa yeminin seni çarpar ha!"
"Böyle olacağını da biliyorum."
Adam gene, "İyi dinle," diye sözlerini vurguladı. "Yaptığım şey ne olursa olsun cezasını çoktan çektim, karşılığını ödedim. Bunu da böyle bilesin."
"Öyle olsun."
Adam o kara piposunu çıkardı, tam kara kafa tütünüyle doldurmaya başlamak üzereyken tütüne gözü ilişince aklının karışacağından, anlatacağı öyküyle ipin ucunu kaçıracağından mı korktu nedir, tütünü geri koydu, piposunu ceketinin iliklerinden birine sokuşturdu, ellerini açıp dizlerine dayadı, uzun birkaç dakika sessiz, öfkeli bakışlarla ocaktaki ateşi süzdükten sonra dönüp bize baktı ve aşağıdaki öyküyü anlatmaya girişti.
# 42
"Sevgili oğlum ve Pip'in can dostu hayatımı size şarkı söyler ya da masal | -0.35774 | -1.99684 | -1.601261 | -1.315908 | [
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] | 1,334,895 | 380,928 | Book | -1 | -1 |
anlatırcasına anlatacak değilim. Kestirmeden, derli toplu anlatabilmek için ağız dolusu tek bir cümle ile deyivereceğim size: Zindandan içeri, zindandan dışarı, zindandan içeri, zindandan dışarı, zindandan içeri, zindandan dışarı... hayatım aşağı yukarı böyle geçti sayılır; Pip'in bana yardım eli uzatmasından sonra öte yanlara sürgün edilişime dek.
Bana yapmadıkları şey kalmadı diyebilirim; ipe çekmekten gayri... Değerli gümüş bir çaydanlık filanmışım gibi üstüme kilitler vurup durdular, oradan alıp oraya taşıdılar, o kentten kovdular, öbüründen dışarı attılar, işkence sehpalarına gerip kırbaçtan geçirdiler, dayak attılar, hırpaladılar, canımdan bezdirdiler. Nerede doğduğuma gelince, benim bildiğim de sizinki kadar, belki daha bile az. Kendimi bildiğimde, Essex'de bir yerde, tarlalardan şalgam çalarak geçinmekteydim. Birisi beni bırakıp kaçmıştı, bir adam, tenekeci miydi ne? Ateşi de alıp götürmüştü. Çok üşüyordum.
Soyadımın Magwitch, öz adımın Abel olduğunu biliyordum. Nasıl mı biliyordum? Tarlalardaki kuşların adlarının ispinoz, serçe, ardıçkuşu filan olduğunu nasıl biliyorsam öyle. Hepsinin yalan olduğundan kuşkulandığım da olmuyor değildi ya kuşların adları doğru çıktıkça kendi adımın doğruluğuna da inanç getirdim.
Görebildiğim kadarıyla bu Abel Magwitch denen, yarı aç, yarı çıplak çocuğu her gören korkuya kapılıyor, ya onu yanından kovuyor ya da yakasına yapışıp enseliyordu. Öyle çok enselendim, öyle çok enselendim ki enselene enselene büyüdüm desem yeri var.
İşte böyle, şimdi orada burada gördüğüm başıboş çocuklar kadar acınacak, kırtıpil, zavallı bir küçük yaratıktım. (Kendi yüzümü bir kerecik bile görmüş olduğumdan değil ha; evlere yalnızca dışlarından baktığım için aynaya da hiç bakmamıştım.) Ama daha o zamandan adım kaşarlanmışa çıkmıştı. Cezaevini gezmeye gelen ekâbirlere filan beni seçip gösterirlerdi, 'İyice kaşarlanmışın tekidir bu,' derlerdi. 'Bütün ömrü zindanda geçmiştir diyebiliriz bu çocuk için,' derlerdi. Onlar bana bakarlardı sonra, ben de | -0.521416 | -1.918052 | -1.672276 | -1.136414 | [
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] | 1,334,895 | 381,952 | Book | -1 | -1 |
onlara bakardım. Kimileri boyumun kaç karış olduğuyla ilgilenirdi. Oysa midemin boyuyla ilgilenselerdi ya! Kimileri de okuyamadığım ahlak öğretici kitapçıklar verirlerdi bana, anlayamadığım mavallar okurlardı. İlle de şeytan lafını kakarlardı kafama. Oysa şeytana uymayıp ne halt edecektim? Karnım aç gezecek değildim ya! Her neyse, gene avam ağzına döktüm lafı, oysa sizlerin yanında nasıl konuşmam gerektiğini unutmuş değildim. Sevgili oğlum ve Pip'in can yoldaşı sakın korkmayasınız, ben gene kabalaşıp bayağı olacağım diye...
Serserilik, dilencilik, hırsızlık yapa yapa büyüdük gittik işte. İş bulursam çalıştığım da oluyordu ya sizin sandığınız kadar kolay değildi iş bulmak. Hoş, yüzüme bakıp da, 'Ben olsam bu gibisine iş verir miydim?' diye düşünürseniz siz de çakarsınız ya ne demeye getirdiğimi... Kimi zaman kaçak avcılık, kimi zaman ırgatlık, arabacılık, işçilik, gezgin satıcılık, işportacılık, kısacası para getireceği yerde adamı kötüye götüren binbir türlü iş yaparak yetiştik, yaşımızı bulduk. Bir han ambarında, patates yığınlarının altında gizlenen bir asker kaçağından okuma öğrendim. Panayır panayır dolaşan, imzasını bir peni karşılığında satan bir 'Dev Adam'dan da yazmasını öğrendim. Artık eskisi gibi sık sık kodese tıkılmıyorsam da gene, zindan kapılarının anahtarları paslanmasın diye kendi payıma düştüğünce katkıda bulunmaktan geri kalmıyordum.
Aşağı yukarı yirmi yıl önce, Epsom At Yarışları'nda o adamla tanıştım; bugün bile elime geçirsem kafasını ıstakoz kırarcasına kırabilirim şu maşayla. Doğru adı Compeyson'du. İşte dün gece ben gittikten sonra arkadaşına tastamamını anlattığın üzere, o gece hendekte canını çıkarasıya dövdüğüm adam bu adamdı evlat.
Sözümona kibar takımındandı bu Compeyson. Yatılı özel bir okula gitmişti, okumuşluğu vardı. Konuştukça dilinden bal akardı, kibarlığın her türlü inceliklerinden pek anlardı. Hem yakışıklıydı da. Büyük yarıştan bir gece önce tanıştım onunla. Bildiğim bir meyhaneye gitmiştim. Girdiğimde bu, | -0.518676 | -1.961027 | -1.735682 | -1.396551 | [
-0.6487956518849268,
-0.38855732037516233
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-2.2475276833925837,
-1.6745265373734737
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-1.8777115456910016,
-1.5936525508479635
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yanında daha başkalarıyla bir masada oturmaktaydı. Meyhaneci beni tanırdı, kendi de at yarışları oynamaya bayılırdı. Beni görünce Compeyson'u yanımıza çağırdı.
Ona, 'Bu adam tam sana göre bir adam bence,' dedi, beni kastederek. Compeyson, şöyle alıcı gözüyle bir süzdü beni, ben de onu süzdüm. Köstekli saati, parmağında bir yüzük, boyunbağında bir iğne vardı; sırtındakiler de hem güzel hem pahalı. Bu Compeyson var ya, bana dedi ki:
'Görünüşe göre işlerin kötü gidiyor olsa gerek.'
Ben de, 'Öyle, efendim,' dedim. 'Zaten iyi gittiği pek görülmez ya.'
Daha yakında serserilikten hüküm giymiş, Kingston Zindanı'na girip çıkmıştım. Bilseler, beni bambaşka şeylerden içeri atabilirlerdi oysa. Her neyse.
Compeyson, 'Şans dediğin dönebilir,' dedi. 'Belki seninki de dönmek üzeredir.'
'Umarım döner umarım,' dedim ben de.
Compeyson, 'Ne iş gelir elinden?' diye sordu.
'İyi yer, iyi içerim, sen ısmarlarsan,' diye karşılık verdim.
Compeyson güldü, beni gene tepeden tırnağa, inceden inceye süzdü, çıkarıp beş şilin verdi elime, ertesi akşam için sözleştik orada buluşmaya.
Ertesi akşam gene oraya, Compeyson'la buluşmaya gittim. O da beni ortak aldı yanına, onun adamı oldum. Compeyson'un ortak olduğumuz işi neydi mi, diye soruyorsunuz? Compeyson'un işi dolandırıcılıktı; yalancı imza atmak, çalınmış paraları piyasaya sürmek, daha buna benzer şeyler. Kafasında türlü dalavereler kurup kendi elini bulaştırmadan kâra konmak, adamlarını tehlikeye atmak, işte buydu Compeyson'un mesleği. Yüreği taştandı bu adamın, kendisi teneşir gibi soğuk. Kafası desen hani demin sözü geçen şeytanın ta kendisiydi.
Biri daha vardı onun yanında. Adına Arthur diyorlardı ama öz adı değil de soyadıydı bu onun. Canlı cenaze gibi bir adamdı, bir deri, bir kemik. Compeyson'la birlikte bir zamanlar zengin bir hanımefendiyi kafese koymuşlar, küpler dolusu para yapmışlardı. Gel gör ki Compeyson kumarbazın tekiydi; eline kralların hazinesi geçse bir yanından girip öbür yanından çıkardı. Uzun lafın kısası bu Arthur korku nöbetleri geçiren, yarı deli gibi bir adamdı, bir aya | -0.404651 | -1.746152 | -1.728073 | -1.049268 | [
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ğı çukurda. Hem de beş parasız gidecekti. Compeyson'un durmadan tekmeleyip dövdüğü bir de karısı vardı. Bu kadıncağız Arthur'a acırdı, yardım ederdi elinden geldiği zaman. Compeyson dersen hiçbir şeye, hiç kimseye acımazdı o.
Arthur'u dinleseydim de ders alsaydım. Ama almadım işte. Zaten ben öyle ince eleyip sık dokuyuculardan değildim. Size mi numara yapacağım? Neye yarar bunca yıl sonra? Kısacası, Compeyson'la birlikte çalışmaya başladım. Daha doğrusu zavallı bir maşa olup çıktım onun elinde... Bu Arthur, Compeyson'ların evinin üst katında oturuyordu. Ev de Brentford dolaylarında bir yerdeydi. Compeyson Arthur'un kirasının, yediğinin içtiğinin inceden inceye hesabını tutardı. Belki bir gün iyileşir, gene çalışmaya başlar da öder diye. Neyse, Arthur çok geçmeden hesabı tamamen kapadı!..
Onu ikinci, üçüncü görüşüm filandı. Arthur gece geç saatte, ardından kovalayan varmış gibi Compeyson' ların oturma odasına girdi, sırtında tek bir pazen geceliği vardı, saçları da terden sırsıklam kafasına yapışmış. Compeyson'un karısına dedi ki: 'Sally, o kadın yukarıda, benim odamda, başımdan savamıyorum,' dedi. 'Tepeden tırnağa aklara bürünmüş, başına ak ak çiçekler takmış. Öfkeden ateş püskürüyor,' dedi. 'Koluna bir kefen asmış, saat sabah beşte bana giydirecekmiş, öyle diyor,' dedi.
Compeyson da, 'Aptal, o da senin gibi etten kemikten bir insan, bilmiyor musun bunu?' dedi. 'Kapıdan içeri girmedikçe ya da pencereden tırmanmadıkça, merdivenleri çıkmadıkça senin odana nasıl girebilir?' dedi.
Arthur da, 'Nasıl geldiğini bilmiyorum ama karyolanın ayakucundaki köşede durmuş, öfkeden ateş püskürüyor,' dedi. 'Hem şurada, yüreğinin üstünde kan lekeleri var... sen yaraladın o yüreği, sen,' diye inledi.
Compeyson hort zort ederdi ya, oldum olası ödleğin tekiydi aslında. Karısına, 'Sen şu sayıklayan deliyle gidiver,' dedi. 'Sen de Magwitch, Sally'ye yardım et, olmaz mı?' Ama kendisi yerinden kıpırdamadı.
Compeyson'un karısıyla ben Arthur'u odasına çıkarıp gene yatağına yatırdık. Öyle bir sayıklıyordu ki korkunç! 'İşte, baksanıza, kefeni benden yana sallayıp duruyor. Görmüyor | -0.524155 | -1.620808 | -1.634232 | -1.097393 | [
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] | 1,334,895 | 385,024 | Book | -1 | -1 |
musunuz?' diye bağırıyordu. 'Şu gözlere bakın. Nasıl da öfkeli, değil mi? İnsanın dizlerinin bağı çözülüyor korkudan, değil mi?' Sonra da, 'Giydirecek kefeni bana, giydirecek bana, o zaman işim bitti demektir. Alın şunu elinden, alın!' diye haykırdı. Sonra bize sarıldı, başladı hayaletle konuşmaya. Bir kendisi söylüyor, bir hayaletin dediğine karşılık veriyordu, öyle ki sonunda o kadını gördüğüme benim bile inanasım geldi!
Onun bu hallerine alışık olan Compeyson'un karısı, korku nöbeti yatışsın diye bir şurup içirdi; biraz sonra adamcağız yavaş yavaş yatıştı. 'Oh, neyse, hele şükür gitmiş,' dedi. 'Bakıcısı mı gelip aldı?' Compeyson'un karısı da, 'Evet,' dedi. Arthur, 'Söyledin mi bakıcıya, kadının kapısını kilitlesin, iyice sürgülesin?' diye sordu. Sally, 'Evet,' diye karşılık verdi. 'O çirkin şeyi de elinden alsın diye söyledin mi?' Sally gene, 'Evet, korkacak bir şey kalmadı artık,' dedi. Arthur, 'Sen iyi yüreklisin, ne olur beni hiç bırakma; Tanrı senden razı olsun,' diye hıçkırdı.
Bir süre oldukça rahat bir uykuya daldı. Sonra saat tam beşe gelirken bir çığlıkla uyanıp doğruldu. 'İşte geldi, kefen de gene elinde,' diye haykırdı. 'Kefeni açıyor. Sindiği köşeden üstüme geliyor. Tutun beni, kollarımdan sıkı tutun ikiniz de. Fırsat vermeyin, o kefeni dokundurmasın bana. Aah! Neyse, bu kez ıskaladı. Önleyin, kefeni omzuma dolamasın. Beni kaldırıp da sarmasın o şeye. Kaldırıyor beni işte, kaldırıyor. Bastırın beni yatağa... yatırın beni!' diye bağırdı, derken kaskatı kesilip öldü kaldı.
Compeyson pek umursamadı onun ölümünü. İkimiz de kurtulduk, diyordu. Çok geçmeden ikimiz iş çevirmeye başladık. Ama ilkin Compeyson, (ah ne hinoğlu hindi o) bana kendi kitabımın üstüne el bastırdı, hani şu benim kara kaplı kitabım evlat, arkadaşına da el bastırıp yemin ettirdiğim...
Compeyson'un tasarlayıp benim gerçekleştirdiğim işleri saymayacağım, yoksa bir hafta sürer. Sizlere yalnız şunu söyleyeyim ki, sevgili oğlum ve Pip'in can yoldaşı, o herif kafama öyle çoraplar ördü | -0.24885 | -1.781964 | -1.621551 | -1.184539 | [
-0.1851605191688464,
-0.3125403340657311
] | [
-1.710339108999668,
-1.8535893955044456
] | [
-1.588580068797195,
-1.654522335457186
] | [
-1.1038963741881629,
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] | 1,334,895 | 386,048 | Book | -1 | -1 |
ki onun zencilerden farksız kölesi olup çıktım. Hep ona borçlu durumda, onun avucunun içinde, onun hesabına çalışıyordum, kellem koltuğumda. Yaşı benden küçüktü ama tilkiler gibi kurnazdı, bilgiliydi, okumuştu; beni beş yüz kez suya götürür de susuz getirirdi, hem de hiç gözümün yaşına bakmadan. O sırada bizim kadın neredeyse canı pahasına... ama neyse onu araya sokmaya gerek yok şu sırada..."
Adam, anılar kitabındaki yerini şaşırmışçasına şöyle şaşkın şaşkın çevresine bakındı, sonra yüzünü ateşe döndü, parmaklarını dizlerine daha bir yayarak bastırdı, ellerini kaldırdı, sonra gene dizlerinin üstüne indirdi.
Yeniden gözlerini çevresinde dolaştırarak, "Hepsini anlatmanın gereği yok," diye ekledi. "Compeyson'la çalıştığım dönem ömrümün hemen hemen en çetin dönemlerinden biri oldu. Bilmem, bundan öte bir şey söylememin gereği var mı? Compeyson'la çalıştığım sırada serserilikten, ama yalnız başıma, yargılandığımı söyledim miydi size?"
"Hayır," diye yanıtladım.
"Yargılandım ya. Hüküm bile giydim. Birlikte çalıştığımız dört-beş yıl boyunca iki-üç kez kuşku üzerine tutuklandım. Ama kanıt bulamadılar. Sonunda Compeyson'la ikimiz birden kodese atıldık; dolandırıcılıktan, piyasaya çalınmış para sürmekten. Ama başka şeylerle de suçlanıyorduk. Compeyson bana, 'Savunmamızı ayrı ayrı yürüteceğiz; aramızda bağlantı kurulmayacak,' dedi. O kadar. Öyle parasızdım ki Jaggers'ı tutabilmek için dolabımdaki giysileri sattım...
Sanık yerine çıkardıkları zaman dikkatimi ilk çeken şey Compeyson'un görünümü oldu. O, siyah giysileriyle, kar gibi mendiliyle, kıvrıltılmış saçlarıyla tam bir beyefendiydi. Ben desen aşağılık serserinin, haydudun biri! Savcı davayı açıp da kanıtları şöyle bir özetlediği zaman gördüm ki kuşkuların tüm ağırlığı benim üstümde toplanıyor, Compeyson neredeyse temize çıkıyordu. Tanıklar birer birer tanık hücresinden ifade verdikçe bakıyordum, 'Tanıyoruz,' diye yemin ettikleri hep bendim; paralar bana verilmişti; bütün işleri ben çevirmiştim, kârlara hep ben konmu | -0.46252 | -1.77122 | -1.702711 | -1.007646 | [
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] | 1,334,895 | 387,072 | Book | -1 | -1 |
ştum. Hele iş savunmaya gelince kurulan kumpası hepten anladım...
Compeyson'un avukatı dedi ki: 'Yargıç Hazretleri, Sayın Baylar, karşınızda, gözlerinizin önünde iki kişi duruyor: Birbirlerinden nasıl dağlar kadar farklı oldukları ortada,' dedi. 'Birisi, genç olanı, iyi yetişmiş bir aile çocuğudur; taş çatlasa değişmez; öteki sokaklardan yetişmedir, o da taş çatlasa değişmez,' dedi. 'İçlerinden biri, genç olan, bu işler sırasında pek görülmemiş, kendisinden yalnızca kuşkulanılıyor. Bütün işleri çeviren, herkesin tanıdığı, suçuna parmak bastığı ise öbürküsü, daha yaşlı olanı,' dedi. 'Bu işleri tek kişi çevirdiyse bunun hangisi olduğu, iki kişi çevirdiyse hangisinin daha suçlu olduğu kuşku kaldırır mı sizin gözünüzde?' gibilerden laflar etti. Kişiliklerimiz ele alınacak olursa... öyle ya, okumuş olan, okul arkadaşları şurada burada, yüksek mevkilerde bulunan, kendisi falan filan gibi kibar kulüplerde, yüksek yerlerde gezen, Compeyson değil miydi? Oysa eskiden beri sabıkalı olan, yıllardır Bridewell Zindanı senin, tutukevleri benim, mahpuslara girip çıkan da ben değil miydim?.. Hal tavır dersen... Compeyson denen alçak onlarla konuşurken durup durup yüzünü o kar gibi mendiline mi gömmüyordu, konuşmasının arasına şiirler mi katmıyordu, neler neler! Bense, 'Baylar, şu yanımdaki adam dünyanın bir numaralı aşağılık herifidir,' diyordum da başka bir şey diyemiyordum...
Sıra hükümlerin okunmasına gelince ne göreyim? Compeyson'un beni karalayacak ne biliyorsa hepsini mahkemeye söylemesini, sonra kötü arkadaşlara kapılıp yanlış yola sapmış bir masum genç olmasını filan, hafifletici neden saymamışlar mı? Oysa benim için, 'Suçlu,' diyorlardı da başka bir şey demiyorlardı. Kendimi tutamayıp Compeyson'a, 'Hele bir şuradan çıkalım, ben senin suratını dağıtmazsam!' diye bağırdım. Bunun üzerine Compeyson ne mi yaptı? Yargıca dönerek, 'Beni koruyun,' diye yalvardı elbet. Aramıza iki gardiyan soktular. Hüküm kesinleştiği zaman da ona yedi yıl verdiler, bana on dört. Yargıç bana acıyacak değil ya, ona acıyordu; çok daha iyi olabilecekken şu durumlara düştü diye. Bana ise | -0.625511 | -1.961027 | -1.829523 | -1.150721 | [
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kaşarlanmış, azılı bir sabıkalı gözüyle bakıyordu. Bununla kalmayıp daha ağır suçlara yöneleceğimden, sonumun kötü olacağından hiç kuşkusu yoktu."
Provis heyecandan, hırstan titremekle birlikte kendisini tutmasını bildi. İki-üç kez kısa kısa soludu, bir o kadar da yutkundu; elini bana uzatarak içimi rahatlatmak istercesine, "Korkma evlat, kabalaşmayacağım," dedi.
Sinirden ateş basmıştı. Ancak mendilini çıkarıp yüzünü, kafasını, boynuyla avuçlarını kuruladıktan sonra konuşmasını sürdürebildi:
"Compeyson'a suratını dağıtacağım, demiştim. Tanrıma da, bunu yapmazsam sen benim suratımı dağıt, diye ant verdim. İkimiz de aynı hükümlüler gemisindeydik, gene de uzun süre ne yapıp ettiysem olmadı, yanına yanaşamadım onun. Sonunda bir gün arkasından sokuldum. Bana dönsün de bir yumrukla suratını dağıtayım diye yanağına vurdum. Gelgelelim görüp yakaladılar. Ambara attılar ya, kaçın kurasıydık biz! Benim gibi, böyle ambarları ezbere bilen bir kocamış kurt için oradan kaçmak çocuk oyuncağı oldu. Hele dalmasını, yüzmesini de bildiğime göre. Kaçıp kıyıya çıktım. Mezarlıkta saklanıyordum. Artık çile çekmiyorlar diye orada yatan ölülere imrenip dururken, işte o sırada oğlumla ilk olarak karşılaştık."
Beni sevgi dolu bakışlarla süzdü. İçim gene bulanır gibi olmakla birlikte, ona karşı büyük bir acıma da duymaya başlamıştım.
"Oğlumun sözlerinden anladım ki Compeyson da bataklıklardaydı. Tanrı bilir ya, korkudan, benden kurtulmak için kaçmış olduğunu düşündüm bir ara; benim de gemiden kaçmış olduğumdan haberi yoktu ki... Düştüm peşine, yakalayıp suratını dağıttım. Sonra da dedim ki, 'Şimdi sana en büyük kötülüğü edeceğim, kendi başıma gelecekler beni ırgalamadığına göre, seni yakandan tutup gemiye götüreceğim,' dedim. Kararlıydım da. Gerekirse saçından tutup geri döndürecektim onu; askerler gelmese de bir başıma gemiye çıkartıp teslim edecektim...
Gene de, her zamanki gibi ucuz kurtuldu elbet. İyi adam diye biliniyordu. Ben onun peşini bırakmamış, onun canını almaya kalkışmıştım; o da korkudan yarı ç | -0.284633 | -1.900146 | -1.598725 | -1.144218 | [
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] | 1,334,895 | 389,120 | Book | -1 | -1 |
ıldırmış durumda, canını kurtarmak uğruna kaçmıştı gemiden. Böylece yediği ceza hafif oldu. Bense gene prangaya vurulup yargılandım, ömür boyu sürgüne yollandım. Gel gör ki ömür boyu oturmadım oralarda oğlum ve Pip'in can yoldaşı; gördüğünüz gibi geldim işte, buradayım."
Gene deminki gibi terini kuruladıktan sonra cebinden o tütün yumağını ağır ağır çıkardı, piposunu ilikten çekip aldı, gene ağır ağır doldurup tüttürmeye başladı.
Bir sessizlikten sonra, "Öldü mü?" diye sordum.
"Kim öldü mü, evlat?"
"Compeyson."
Provis gözleri ateş püskürerek, "Ölmediyse benim ölmüş olmama el açıp dua ediyordur, hiç kuşkunuz olmasın bundan," diye yanıtladı. "Bir daha hiç haberini almadım."
Bu arada Herbert bir kitabın kapağına elindeki kalemle bir şeyler yazmaktaydı. Kitabı usulca benden yana itti. Provis ayağa kalkmış, gözlerini ateşe dikerek pipo içerken ben de yazıyı okudum:
Miss Havisham'ın üvey kardeşinin adı Arthur'du. Compeyson da Miss Havisham'ı severmiş gibi görünüp aldatan adam.
Hafifçe baş sallayıp kitabı kaldırdım. Ne Herbert ne de ben sesimizi çıkardık. İkimiz de ateş başında durmuş piposunu tüttüren Provis'e bakıyorduk.
# 43
Niçin durup da kendi kendime, Provis'e karşı duyduğum tiksintide Estella'nın ne kadar payı olduğunu sorayım? Estella'yı karşılamaya giderken kendimi zindan kirinden arındırmaya çalıştığım zamanki duygularım... bir de şimdi, barındırdığım bu kaçakla güzeller güzeli, gururlular gururlusu Estella arasındaki uçurumu düşünürken kapıldığım duygular... bunları ne diye karşılaştırayım da yok yere oyalanayım? Nasılsa ne yolumu düzletmeye yarar bu, ne de öyküyü iyi bir sonuca bağlamaya; ne Provis'e bir yardımım dokunur, ne de ben kendim temize çıkmış olurum.
Adamın anlattığı öykü içime yeni bir korku salmıştı; daha doğrusu içimde zaten var olan korkulara yeni bir biçim vermişti. Compeyson yaşıyorsa, Provis'in döndüğünü de öğrenirse ne yapacağını kestirmek için falcı olmaya gerek yoktu. Compeyson'un Provis'ten ne denli korktuğunu ben, belki ikisinden de iyi biliyordum. Compeyson anlatıldığı gibi bir adamsa can düşmanından temelli kurtulmak iç | -0.434441 | -1.778383 | -1.468109 | -1.048617 | [
-0.37075153979817843,
-0.49813135469506314
] | [
-1.5026261935677405,
-2.054139796611134
] | [
-1.165027817558022,
-1.7711894226248623
] | [
-0.8320531811557366,
-1.2651813308198419
] | 1,024 | [
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] | 1,334,895 | 390,144 | Book | -1 | -1 |
in bir an bile duraksamaksızın en tehlikesiz yolu, yani muhbirliği seçeceğinden kimsenin kuşkusu olamazdı.
Provis'e Estella'dan hiç söz etmemiştim. Etmeyecektim de. Daha doğrusu, içimden verdiğim karar buydu. Gelgelelim İngiltere'den ayrılmadan önce Estella'yı da, Miss Havisham'ı da görmemin zorunlu olduğunu Herbert'e söyledim. Provis'in bize yaşamöyküsünü anlattığı günün akşamında, baş başa kaldığımız sıradaydı. Hemen ertesi gün Richmond'a gitmeye karar verdim; gittim de.
Brandley'lere vardığımda Estella'nın oda hizmetçisini çağırdılar. Kız bana Estella'nın kent dışına gitmiş olduğunu bildirdi. Nereye? Satis Köşkü'ne gitmiş, her zamanki gibi. Pek her zamanki gibi denemezdi, çünkü oraya şimdiye dek bensiz hiç gitmemişti. Ne zaman döneceğini sordum. Aldığım yanıtta beni şaşırtan bir çekimserlik vardı. Hizmetçi kız hanımının geri gelirse bile ancak kısa bir süre kalacağını söyledi. Bu yanıta verebildiğim tek anlam, anlamsızlığının belirli bir kasıt taşıdığı, kafamı karıştırmayı amaçladığıydı. Gerçekten de bu lafın içinden hiç çıkamayarak eve döndüm.
Provis kendi evine gittikten sonra, geceleyin Herbert'le bir kez daha baş başa verdik (Provis'i her zaman evine ben götürüyor, her zaman da dört bir yanı bir sıkı kolaçan ediyordum). Yaptığımız görüşmede, ben Miss Havisham'lardan dönünceye kadar İngiltere'den ayrılma konusuna değinmemeyi kararlaştırdık. Bu arada, Herbert de ben de bu konuyu açmanın en iyi yolunu ayrı ayrı düşünecektik, onun kuşkulu birilerince gözetlenmekte olduğundan korkuyormuş gibi mi yapacaktık, yoksa şimdiye kadar hiç yurtdışına çıkmamış olan ben bir gezi önerisinde mi bulunacaktım? Onun benim ağzımın içine baktığını, ne dersem hemen yerine getireceğini ikimiz de biliyorduk. Şu tehlikelerle dolu konumda uzun süre kalmasının söz konusu edilemeyeceğini de biliyorduk.
Ertesi gün, köye gidip Joe'yu görmem zorunlu imiş gibi numara yapma alçaklığında bulundum; ama zaten Joe'ya, Joe'nun adına karşı yapmayacağım hiçbir alçaklık kalmamıştı ki artık! Benim yokluğumda Provis çok dikkatli davranacak, benim yaptığım bekçiliği de Herbert üzerine al | -0.079696 | -1.975352 | -1.692566 | -1.162427 | [
0.22505727181628235,
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-1.7255370841679456,
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] | 1,334,895 | 391,168 | Book | -1 | -1 |
acaktı. Köyde yalnızca bir gece kalacaktım. Dönüşümde de, beni daha büyük çapta bir beyefendi yapmak için sabırsızlanan Provis'in tasarılarını uygulamaya başlayacaktık. O zaman aklıma geldi ki denizi aşıp gitmenin en kestirme yolu belki de buydu; büyük çapta bir beyefendi olabilmek amacıyla alışverişler falan yapmak istiyormuşum gibi görünmek.
Miss Havisham'ı görmeye gitmenin yolunu böylece yaptıktan sonra, ilk sabah arabasıyla, daha ortalık ağarmadan yola çıktım. Biz kırlara adamakıllı açıldığımız sırada gün, bulut partallarına, sis çaputlarına bürünmüş bir dilenci gibi sürünerek, tir tir titreyip inildeyerek sökün etti. Yağışlı bir yolculuktan sonra Blue Boar Hanı'nın önünde durduğumuz zaman avlu kemerinin altından kim çıksa göreyim? Bentley Drummle! Elinde kürdanıyla dişlerini karıştırarak arabaya bakmaya geldi.
O beni görmezlikten gelince ben de onu görmezlikten geldim. İkimiz için de pek gülünç bir numaraydı bu. Hele ikimiz de hanın kahvaltı salonuna girince numaramız daha da zavallılaştı. Drummle kahvaltısını yeni bitirmişti. Ben de kendi kahvaltımı ısmarladım. Onu burada görmek içime zehir gibi çöktü; kasabaya neden geldiğini çok iyi biliyordum çünkü.
Drummle ocak başında dururken ben masada oturmuş, eski, kirli bir gazeteyi okur gibi yapıyordum. Yöresel haberler veren bu gazetenin en okunaklı yönü orasına burasına bol bol serpiştirilmiş duran kahve, balık ezmesi, yağ, şarap gibi yabancı kaynaklı lekelerdi. Bu yüzden gazete görülmedik türden bir kızamık çıkarıyor gibiydi.
Bentley Drummle'ın ocak başında durması benim için gitgide, kocaman bir onur sorunu olmaya başladı. Ateşin ısısından kendime düşen paya kavuşmayı aklıma koyarak ayağa kalktım. Ateşi karıştırmak için ocak başına gittiğimde maşayı onun bacaklarının arkasından uzanarak almak zorunda kaldımsa da onu hâlâ tanımazlıktan geliyordum.
Drummle, "Kasıtlı mı bu?" diye sordu.
Elimde maşa, "Haa, sen miydin?" diye mırıldandım. "Ben de merak ediyordum, ateşin önünü kapatan kimdir diye."
Ateşi var gücümle karıştırdım, sonra da sırtımı ateşe verip omuzlarımı dikleştir | -0.337708 | -1.549183 | -1.596189 | -0.964073 | [
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erek geçip onun yanı başına dikeldim.
Drummle beni omzuyla şöyle bir iteleyerek, "Deminki arabayla mı geldin?" diye sordu.
Ben de onu omzumla şöyle bir dürtükleyerek, "Evet," diye karşılık verdim.
"Pis bir yöre," dedi Drummle. "Sen de buralardan bir yerdensin, değil mi?"
"Öyle. Duyduğuma göre buralar tıpkı sizin Shropshire'a benzermiş."
Drummle, "İlgisi yok," dedi.
Lafın burasına gelince Drummle başını eğerek ayakkabılarına baktı; ben de kendi ayakkabılarıma baktım. Sonra Drummle benim ayakkabılarımı gözden geçirdi, ben de onunkileri süzdüm. Ateşin başındaki yerimden minicik bir pay bile kaptırmak niyetinde değildim.
"Geleli çok oldu mu?" diye sordum.
Esniyormuş gibi yapmasına karşın ateş konusunda tıpkı benim gibi kararlı olan Drummle, "Sıkıntıdan patlayacak kadar oldu," diye yanıtladı.
"Daha kalacak mısın?"
"Bilemiyorum," dedi Drummle. "Ya sen?"
"Bilemiyorum," dedim.
Kanımda öyle bir karıncalanma vardı ki, Drummle omzuyla bana biraz daha sürtünseydi onu en yakın cumbanın içine itebilirdim. Aynı biçimde, benim omzum bir milim ileri gitse o da beni en yakın bölmenin içine itebilirdi.
Drummle hafiften bir ıslık tutturmuştu şimdi. Ben de ıslık çalmaya başladım.
"Buralarda geniş bataklık bölgeler varmış sanırım?" dedi Drummle.
"Evet. Ne olmuş yani?" dedim.
Drummle yüzüme baktı, ayakkabılarıma baktı, sonra, "Hıhı!" diyerek güldü.
"Size gülünç gelen bir şey mi var, Mr. Drummle?"
Drummle, "Yoo, bir şey olduğundan değil," diye yanıtladı. "Atla şöyle bir gezintiye çıkıyorum. Bataklıkları keşfe gitmek niyetindeyim, salt keyfim için; çok ücra köyler varmış oralarda, diyorlar da. Küçük, şirin meyhaneler, demirci ocakları, buna benzer şeyler. Hey, garson!"
"Buyurun, efendim."
"Şu benim at hazırlandı mı?"
"Kapıya geldi bile, efendim."
"Hey, bana bak, garson. Hanımefendi bugün at gezintisine çıkmıyor. Hava kötü de."
"Baş üstüne, efendim."
"Yemeği de burada yemeyeceğim, çünkü hanımefendilerde yiyorum."
"Baş üstüne, efendim."
O zaman Drummle o ablak yüzünde öylesi küstah, zafer dol | -0.454302 | -1.753314 | -1.621551 | -1.231364 | [
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] | 1,334,895 | 393,216 | Book | -1 | -1 |
u bir bakışla bana baktı ki tüm donukluğuna karşın, keskin bir bıçakmışçasına içime işledi; öyle bir kafamı kızdırdı ki, şeytan dedi, tut onu, kucakladığın gibi at ocağın içine, ateşin üstüne oturt!
İkimizin de açık seçik görebildiğimiz bir şey vardı: Dışarıdan yardım gelmedikçe ne o ne de ben ateş üzerindeki hakkımızdan vazgeçemezdik. Orada dimdik, gepgergin çakılıp kalmıştık, omuz omuza, bacak bacağa, kıl payı kıpırdamaksızın. Dışarıda, çisil çisil yağan yağmur altında atın beklediğini görebiliyorduk; benim kahvaltım hazırlanmış, Drummle'ınki kaldırılmış, garson masaya oturmam için beni çağırmıştı; ben de peki dercesine baş sallamıştım, ama Drummle da, ben de hâlâ mevzilerimizden hiçbir yere kıpırdamıyorduk.
Drummle, "Bizim Koru'ya uğradın mı son zamanlarda?" diye sordu.
"Yok," dedim. "Son gidişimde İspinozlar yaka silktirtti bana."
"Seninle tartıştığımız akşamı mı söylüyorsun?"
Kısa ve ters, "Evet," demekle yetindim.
Drummle, "Canım, sen de işi büyütme," diye pis bir alayla konuştu. "Gene kolay kurtardın paçanı onlardan. Öyle hemencecik kızmayacaktın."
"Mr. Drummle, siz bu konuda öğüt vermeye yetkili değilsiniz. Ben kızdığım zamanki o gece kızdığımı kabul etmiyorum... ama kızsam bile karşımdakinin kafasına bardak fırlatmam."
"Ben fırlatırım," dedi Drummle.
Ondan yana, için için gitgide köpüren bir öfkeyle birkaç bakış fırlattım. Sonra, "Bu konuşmayı ben başlatmadım," dedim. "Hoşuma da gitmiyor."
Omzunun üstünden bana alayla bakarak, "Sizin hoşunuza gitmediğini biliyorum," dedi. "Banaysa vız geliyor."
"Öyleyse izin verirseniz bundan böyle birbirimizle hiç konuşmayalım."
"Ben de öyle düşünüyorum zaten," dedi Drummle. "Sen söylemesen ben söyleyecektim. Daha doğrusu hiçbir şey söylemeden ilişkiyi kesmek niyetindeydim seninle. Yalnız serinkanlılığını yitirme. Yitirdiklerin yetmiyor mu zaten?"
"Ne demek istiyorsunuz, beyefendi?"
Drummle beni yanıtlayacağı yerde, "Garson!" diye seslendi.
Garson gene göründü.
"Bana bak, oğlum, hanımefend | -0.33377 | -1.692433 | -1.575899 | -1.096092 | [
-0.2584381546202801,
-0.40910245181014376
] | [
-1.6602015087229958,
-1.7246641376501457
] | [
-1.5429277303402782,
-1.6088699970002691
] | [
-1.1195045957976804,
-1.0726799309691284
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] | 1,334,895 | 394,240 | Book | -1 | -1 |
inin bugün at gezintisine çıkmayacağını iyice aklına soktun değil mi, benim de yemeği hanımefendiyle yiyeceğimi?"
"Evet efendim. Anladım."
Garson benim sofradaki çaydanlığa, soğumakta olduğunu göstermek istercesine dokunup benden yana yalvarırcasına baktıktan sonra dışarıya çıkınca Drummle bana değen omzunu oynatmamaya çalışarak cebinden bir yaprak sigarası çıkarıp ucunu ısırdı. Yerinden kıpırdamaya hiç niyeti yok gibiydi. İçin için köpürdüğüm, boğazıma bir yumruk tıkanmışçasına soluğum kesildiği halde, bundan öte tek bir söz söylersek Estella'nın adını anmak zorunda kalacağımızı, oysa bu adı Drummle'ın ağzından duymaya dayanamayacağımı biliyordum. Bu yüzden taş kesilmiş gibi, yanımda kimsecikler yokmuş gibi, gözlerimi karşı duvara dikmiş duruyor, hiç sesimi çıkarmamak için kendimi zorluyordum.
İçeriye kalantor görünüşlü üç çiftçi girmemiş olsaydı (ki bunları zavallı garsonun yollamış olduğunu sanıyorum), bu gülünç durumda ne kadar kalacaktık, Tanrı bilir! Çiftçiler ellerini ovuşturarak ateş başına yönelince biz de çekilmek zorunda kaldık.
Pencereden Drummle'ın o yabanıl, hantal hareketleriyle atına bindiğini; yan gidip gerilediğini görebiliyordum. Gittiğini sanmıştım ama hemen geri geldi, dişlerinin arasına sıkıştırıp yakmayı unutmuş olduğu yaprak sigarası için bağırarak ateş istedi. Boz giysili bir adam (hanın avlusundan mı, sokaktan mı, yoksa nereden çıkıp geldiğini bilemeyeceğim), hemen atılarak uzandı, Drummle da eyerden aşağı eğilip sigarasını yakarken başını bizim pencereye doğru çevirerek şöyle bir güldü. Bu arada, bana sırtı dönük duran boz giysili adamın gevşek duruşlu omuzlarıyla yağlı dağınık saçlarını Orlick'e benzettim.
İçim öylesine sıkıntılıydı ki adamın kimliğinin üstünde duracak, hatta kahvaltı bile edecek durumda değildim. Havanın, yolculuğun kirinden arınmak için elimi yüzümü yıkadım, sonra dışarı çıkarak aklımdan hiç çıkmayan o eski eve doğru adımlarımı yönelttim. Bu eve hiç girmemiş, bu evi hiç görmemiş olsaydım benim için çok daha hayırl | -0.400028 | -1.950283 | -1.852349 | -1.175434 | [
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ı olacaktı!
# 44
Miss Havisham ile Estella'yı duvarlarında şamdanlar yanan o tuvalet odasında buldum. Miss Havisham ateş başındaki arkalıksız bir koltuğa, Estella da onun ayakları dibindeki bir şiltenin üstüne oturmuştu. Estella örgü örüyor, Miss Havisham da ona bakıyordu. Ben içeri girdiğimde ikisi de gözlerini bana doğru kaldırdılar, üzerimde bir değişiklik olduğunu ikisi de gördüler. Bunu kendi aralarında geçen bakışmadan anladım. Miss Havisham, "Eyy, Pip, hangi rüzgâr attı seni buraya bakalım?" diye sordu.
Gözlerini benden ayırmamakla birlikte biraz şaşaladığı, ne yapacağını pek kestiremediği belliydi. Gözleri yüzümde, örgü örmesini bir an aksatıp sonra gene sürdüren Estella'ya gelince o, velinimetimin kimliğini öğrenmiş olduğumu hemen anlamıştı; parmaklarının oynayışı bir tür dilsizler alfabesi gibi açıkça söylüyordu bunu.
"Miss Havisham," diye yanıtladım. "Dün Estella'yı görmeye Richmond'a gittim. Bir rüzgârın onu buraya atmış olduğunu görünce ben de peşinden geldim."
Miss Havisham üçüncü, belki de dördüncü kez oturmamı işaret etmişti; ben de tuvalet masasının başında, çoğunlukla onun oturduğu sandalyeye oturdum. Çepeçevre yıkıntılar arasında kaldığım böyle bir günde, o sandalyeye oturmak pek doğal geldi bana...
"Miss Havisham, Estella'ya söylemek istediklerimi sizin önünüzde söyleyeceğim, şimdi, birkaç dakikada. Ne şaşacaksınız ne de hoşnutsuzluğa kapılacaksınız. Çünkü sizin tasarlamış olduğunuz kadar, sizin dilediğiniz kadar mutsuzum işte."
Miss Havisham gözlerini kırpmaksızın bana bakmaktaydı. Estella başını kaldırmıyordu ama sözlerimi can kulağıyla dinlemekte olduğunu parmaklarının oynayışından anlıyordum.
"Velinimetimin kim olduğunu öğrendim. Beni sevindirmedi bu bilgi. Öğrendiğim şey beni ne şan, ne ün, ne de para yüzünden yükseltecek gibi değil. Ama bu konuyu burada kesmem gerekiyor. Benim değil, bir başkasının sırlarıyla ilgili çünkü."
Bir süre sessiz durup Estella'ya bakarak sözümü nasıl sürdüreceğimi tasarlamaya çalıştım. Miss Havisham, "Senin değil, başkasının sırları," diye sözlerimi tekrarladı | 0.107265 | -1.817777 | -1.299449 | -1.14942 | [
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] | 1,334,895 | 396,288 | Book | -1 | -1 |
. "Eee?"
"Beni buraya ilk getirttiğiniz zaman... hani ben şu karşıki köyde oturan küçük bir çocukken... bırakıp gittiğime bin kez pişman olduğum o küçük köy... gerçekten buraya gelişim bir rastlantıdan başka bir şey değildi, Miss Havisham, benim yerime başka herhangi bir çocuk da olabilirdi değil mi?.. Sizin bir gereksinmenizi ya da bir kaprisinizi karşılayacak, bunun için de para alacak olan uşak gibi bir şey?"
Miss Havisham ağır ağır başını sallayarak, "Öyle, Pip," diye yanıtladı.
"Demek oluyor ki Mr. Jaggers da..."
Miss Havisham kesin bir sesle sözümü keserek, "Mr. Jaggers'ın hiçbir ilişkisi yoktu bununla," dedi. "Bu konuda hiçbir şey bilmiyordu. Kendisinin hem benim hem de senin velinimetinin vekili olması bir rastlantıdan başka bir şey değildir. Mr. Jaggers bir sürü insanın vekili olduğuna göre böyle bir durum her zaman ortaya çıkabilir. Her ne ise, kendiliğinden doğmuş bir durumdur bu, herhangi bir kimsenin isteği ile değil."
Yalan ya da kaçamaklı konuşmadığı o çökük yüzünden kolaylıkla anlaşılabiliyordu.
"Ama ben bu noktada şunca yıldır süregelen bir yanılgıya düştüğüm zaman... hiç değilse bu yanılgıdan yararlanarak bana gerçek dışı umutlar vermediniz mi?"
Kadın gene ciddilikle baş sallayarak, "Evet, senin bu yanılgıya kapılıp gitmene göz yumdum," dedi.
"Taş yüreklilik değil miydi bu?"
"Benim gibi bir kadın," diye Miss Havisham bastonunu yere vurarak öyle birdenbire, beklenmedik bir öfkeyle parladı ki Estella bile şaşkınlıkla başını kaldırıp baktı. "Benim gibi bir kadın başkalarına ne diye acısın, Tanrı aşkına?"
Deminki sızlanmam bir zayıflık belirtisiydi; elimde olmadan yapmıştım. Bunu hoşnutsuzlukla yüzünü asmış olan Miss Havisham'a da söyledim.
"Peki, peki, anladım," dedi. "Başka ne söyleyeceksin?"
Onu yatıştırmak amacıyla, "Çocukken, burada bulunmamın karşılığını çıraklığa başladığım sırada bol bol gördüm," diye yanıtladım. "Bu soruları salt bilgi edinmek için soruyorum. Bundan sonra söyleyecekleriminse bambaşka, bencil olmayan bir amaç güdeceğini umuyorum. Miss Havisham, benim yanılgıma göz yummakla çıkarcı akrabalarınızı cezalandırdığınızı | -0.052987 | -1.821358 | -1.33242 | -1.275587 | [
0.08945940434540504,
-0.19543308488633712
] | [
-1.645876480072518,
-1.9968396820092231
] | [
-1.3146660380556938,
-1.3501734124110736
] | [
-1.3016005145753822,
-1.2495731092103246
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] | 1,334,895 | 397,312 | Book | -1 | -1 |
, alaya alarak aldattığınızı... ne bileyim, işte, sizi kızdırmak istemem, ama ne niyet güttüğünüzü belki siz daha yerinde bir deyimle açıklayabilirsiniz."
"Söylediklerin çok doğru. Ama onlar çanak tuttular buna. Sen de öyle ya. Benim çektiklerimi çeken, benim gibi bir insandan ne bekliyordunuz yani? Gözünüzü açın, diye sizleri silkeleyip yalvaracak mıydım bir de? Kendi tuzaklarınızı kendiniz kurdunuz siz. Hiçbir zaman BEN değil!"
Yatışsın diye bekledim (çünkü bunları da birden parlayan, yırtıcı bir hışımla söylemişti), sonra, "Miss Havisham," diye söze başladım, "akrabalarınızdan bir aileyle tanıştım; Londra'ya gittim gideli hep onlarla birlikte bulundum. Onların da demin sözünü ettiğimiz konuda benim kadar yanlış bir kanı beslediklerini yakından biliyorum. İsterseniz hoşunuza gitmesin, isterseniz kulaklarınızı tıkayın, bana ister inanın ister inanmayın; ben size Mr. Matthew Pocket ile oğlu Herbert'i savunmazsam alçaklık, ikiyüzlülük etmiş olurum. Onların yüce gönüllü, açık yürekli, dürüst, art niyetsiz, dalaveresiz kişiler olduklarına, kimsenin kuyusunu kazmanın ellerinden gelmeyeceğine inanmak zorundasınız, yoksa onlara büyük hem de çok büyük haksızlık etmiş olursunuz."
Miss Havisham, "Ne de olsa dostlarınız," dedi.
"Sizin mirasçınız olarak kendi yerlerini kaptığıma inanmakla birlikte dostum oldular. Sarah Pocket, Mrs. Georgiana, Mrs. Camilla bana diş bilerken onlar bana dost eli uzattılar."
Arkadaşlarımla öteki akrabaların zıt yönlerini böylece vurgulamam Miss Havisham üzerinde olumlu bir etki yarattı sanıyorum. Bir süre gözlerini kısarak beni süzdü, sonra yavaşça, "Ne istiyorsun onlar için?" diye sordu.
"Onları ötekilerle karıştırıp aynı kefede tartmayın istiyorum yalnızca. Soyları bir olsa bile inanın bana huyları değil."
Miss Havisham beni hep o keskin bakışlarıyla süzerek, "Ne istiyorsun onlar için?" diye sordu.
Hafifçe kızardığımı sezerek, "Görüyorsunuz ya," dedim, "bir şeyler istediğimi sizden dilesem de gizleyebilecek kadar kurnaz değilim. Miss Havisham, arkadaşım Herbert'e yaşam boyu yararlanacağı bir yardımda bulunmak isterseniz size bunun yolunu gösterebilirim. Yalnız durumlar bu yardımın Herbert'ten habersiz yap | -0.073104 | -1.738989 | -1.438942 | -1.109099 | [
-0.176771257166229,
0.03056336089845834
] | [
-1.9538645960577898,
-1.5241137365434572
] | [
-1.6291599252033433,
-1.248723771395703
] | [
-1.166329260626232,
-1.0518689688231053
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ılmasını gerektiriyor."
Miss Havisham bana daha dikkatle bakabilmek için ellerini bastonunun topuzuna dayayarak, "Neden ondan habersiz yapılması gerekiyor?" diye sordu.
"Bu yardımı bundan iki yıl önce ondan habersiz olarak ben başlattım; şimdi de kendimi ele vermek istemiyorum. Başladığım işi bitirmenin niçin elimde olmadığını anlatamam. Hani, benim değil de başkasının olan o sırlarla ilgili bir şey bu."
Miss Havisham bakışlarını yavaş yavaş benden uzaklaştırarak ateşe dikti. O sessizliğin içinde, gitgide eriyen mumların loş ışığında, ateşi çok uzun seyretmiş gibi geldi bana. Sonunda bir yığın kırmızı korun birden çökmesiyle dalgınlığından sıyrıldı; önce boş bakışlarla, sonra gitgide yoğunlaşan bir dikkatle bana baktı. Estella ise bütün bu süre boyunca örgüden başını hiç kaldırmamıştı.
Miss Havisham dikkatini gene bana verdiği zaman konuşmamız hiç kesilmemiş gibi bir tutumla, "Peki, başka?" diye sordu.
Bu kez Estella'dan yana döndüm, sesimin titremesine engel olmaya çalışarak, "Estella, seni sevdiğimi biliyorsun," dedim. "Seni nice zamandır, canımdan çok sevdiğimi biliyorsun."
Kendisine seslenilince Estella örgüsünü kesmeksizin gözlerini yüzüme kaldırdı, hiç istifini bozmadan bana baktı. Miss Havisham'ın bir ona, bir bana bakıp durduğunu görebiliyordum.
"Sana bunu daha önce söyleyecektim ama, daha ilk baştan o yanılgıya kapılmış olduğum için konuşamadım. Yersiz bir umutla, Miss Havisham'ın bizi birbirimize vereceğine inanıyordum. Senin, nasıl diyeyim, bir başkasının isteklerine boyun eğdiğini sandığım sürece bu konuya değinmekten kaçındım. Ama sevgimi söylemenin sırası şimdi geldi."
Estella örgüsünü hiç aksatmaksızın, istifini hâlâ bozmadan bana bakarak başını iki yana salladı.
Onun bu yaptığına karşılık ben de, "Biliyorum," dedim. "Biliyorum. Hiçbir zaman benim olmayacağını biliyorum. Hiçbir umudum yok bu konuda. Yarın, öbür gün başıma neler gelecek, ne denli yoksul düşeceğim, nerelere gideceğim... hiç bilmiyorum. Bununla birlikte, her şeye karşın seviyorum seni. Bu evde ilk gördüğüm günden beri seni seviyorum."
Örgüsüne hiç ara vermeyen Estella kılı bile kıpırd | 0.222318 | -1.907308 | -1.238579 | -1.202748 | [
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amaksızın bana bakarak gene başını iki yana salladı.
"Miss Havisham yaptığı işin ciddiliğini düşünmüş olsaydı... yoksul bir çocuğun duygularıyla oynaması, onu yıllar yılı asılsız bir umutla oyalayıp boş yere senin peşinden koşturması taş yüreklilik olurdu, korkunç bir canavarlık. Ama ben onun düşünmeden davrandığını sanıyorum. Kendisi öyle acı çekiyordu ki bu arada benim acı çektiğimi aklına getirmedi sanıyorum, Estella."
Miss Havisham'ın elini kaldırıp yüreğinin üstüne bastırdığını gördüm. Hâlâ bir bana, bir Estella'ya bakıp duruyordu.
Estella duygudan bütünüyle arınmış bir sesle, "Sanırım benim kavramaktan aciz olduğum birtakım duygular, nasıl diyeyim, sanrılar filan var. Beni sevdiğini söylediğin zaman ne demek istediğini, sözlerinin sözlükteki anlamından biliyorum, ondan öte hiçbir şey demiyorlar bana. Yüreğimde hiçbir tele dokunmuyorlar, hiçbir yankı uyandırmıyorlar. Sözlerini zerrece umursamıyorum. Bu konuda kulağını bükmeye çalışmıştım ama öyle değil mi?"
İçim yanarak, "Öyle," dedim.
"Öyle ama sözlerim bir kulağından girip öbürkünden çıktı, çünkü içten konuştuğuma, doğruyu söylediğime inanmıyordun. Açık konuş, öyle değil mi?"
"Doğruyu söylemediğini sanıyor, buna inanmak istiyordum. Doğru olamazdı söylediklerin. Sen ki böyle genç, deneyimsiz, böylesine güzelsin Estella! Olamaz böyle bir şey!"
Estella, "Olmuş işte, ben böyleyim," diye karşılık verdi. Sonra sözcüklerin üstüne basarak, "Benim hamurum böyle yoğrulmuş çünkü," diye ekledi. "Bunları sana söylemekle, tanıdığım bütün öteki insanlarla senin aranda büyük bir ayırım tanımış oluyorum. Dahası elimden gelmez."
"Bentley Drummle'ın burada, senin peşinde olduğu bir gerçek, değil mi?"
Estella onu son derece küçümsediğini belirten bir umursamazlıkla, "Gerçek," dedi.
"Senin ona yüz verdiğin, onunla at gezintilerine çıktığın, bugün birlikte yemek yiyeceğiniz de gerçek değil mi?"
Estella benim bunları bilişime biraz şaşmış gibiydi, ama gene, "Hepsi gerçek," dedi.
"Ama sen onu sevemezsin, Estella, sevemezsin!"
Odaya girdiğimden bu yana Estella ilk olarak | 0.282584 | -1.860752 | -1.275354 | -1.05447 | [
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örgü örmekten vazgeçti, biraz öfkeyle, "Ben sana ne söyledim?" diye çıkıştı. "Her şeye karşın, hâlâ inanmıyor musun söylediklerimin doğru olduğuna?"
"Ama onunla evlenmezsin, evlenemezsin, değil mi Estella?"
Genç kız Miss Havisham'dan yana baktı, örgüsünü elinde tartarak bir an düşündü, sonra, "Sana doğruyu söylemekte ne sakınca var?" dedi. "Onunla evleniyorum."
Yüzümü ellerime gömdüm. Gene de, onun dudaklarından bu sözleri duymanın işkencesine karşın, umduğumdan daha serinkanlı davranmayı başarabildim. Yüzümü kaldırdığım zaman Miss Havisham'ın yüzü öyle korkunç derecede solup çökmüştü ki kendi ateşli kederime, heyecanıma karşın içim burkuldu.
"Estella, biricik, bir tanecik Estella, sakın Miss Havisham'a uyup da, seni felakete götürecek olan bu adımı atma. Beni hiç hesaba katma... zaten katmadığını çok iyi biliyorum ama hiç değilse kendini Drummle'dan daha değerli birine ver, sana daha layık olan birine... Miss Havisham seni ona veriyor çünkü böylelikle, ondan çok daha üstün olan sayısız hayranlarını, seni gerçekten seven bir avuç erkeği en derinden vurmuş, gülünç düşürmüş oluyor. Bu bir avuç erkeğin arasında, seni benim kadar uzun zamandan beri olmasa bile, benim kadar yürekten seven başka birisi daha belki vardır. Onu seç; senin hatırın için çok daha kolay katlanabilirim ben buna!"
Benim bu içtenliğim Estella'da öyle bir şaşkınlık uyandırmıştı ki söylediklerimi kavrayabilseydi belki de bana acıyabilecekti.
Yumuşak bir sesle, "Onunla evleniyorum," dedi gene. "Düğün hazırlıklarım bitti, yakında evleneceğim. Hem bu konuda neden analığımı suçluyorsun? Kendi isteğimle yapıyorum ben bunu."
"Kendini, kendi isteğinle bir hayvan için harcıyorsun, öyle mi Estella?"
Estella, "Ya kimin için harcayayım kendimi?" diye şöyle bir gülümsedi. "Benim kendisine zırnık vermediğimi en çabuk sezecek bir erkek uğruna mı? (İnsanlar böyle şeyleri gerçekten seziyorlarsa, yani.) Yeter artık. Kararımı verdim. İdare eder giderim, kocam da öyle. Beni felakete götürecek bu adımı Miss Havisham'a uyarak attığıma gelince... ona kalsa benim hemen evlenmeme karşı çıkıyor, biraz bekleyeyim istiyor. Ama ben sürdüğüm yaşantıdan usandım. | 0.158628 | -2.104277 | -1.502348 | -1.070079 | [
0.2017727895233034,
0.1154832374963815
] | [
-2.046977282285895,
-2.161577511489717
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-1.5124928380356668,
-1.4922029098325928
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] | 1,334,895 | 401,408 | Book | -1 | -1 |
Zaten zevkimi okşayan pek bir yönü yoktu. Bir değişiklik olur hiç değilse. Başka bir şey söyleme artık. Birbirimizi hiçbir zaman anlayamayacağız nasılsa."
Kahrolarak, "Öylesine bayağı, öylesine aşağılık ki," diye direttim.
Estella, "Ona mutluluk götüreceğimden korkma," dedi. "Bir kazanç olmayacağım onun için. Hadi hadi, elini ver bana da vedalaşalım, romantik çocuk... yoksa adam mı demeli sana artık?"
Kendimi tutmaya ne denli çalışırsam çalışayım, kanlı gözyaşlarım ellerinin üstüne damlayarak, "Ah, Estella," diye inledim. "İngiltere'de kalıp da başımı dik tutabilecek durumda olsam bile seni Drummle'ın karısı görmeye nasıl dayanabilirim?"
"Saçmalık bu," dedi Estella. "Saçmalık. Ha deyinceye kadar geçer gider bu üzüntün."
"Ah, Estella, hiçbir zaman!"
"Bir haftaya kalmaz, unutur gidersin beni."
"Unutup gitmek mi? Ah, Estella, benim varlığımın, öz benliğimin parçasısın sen. Yontulmamış bir köy çocuğu olarak buraya geldiğim ilk günden beri, yüreğimi yaraladığın o ilk günden beri okuduğum her satır yazıda, görüp baktığım her manzarada sen varsın; ırmakta, karanlıkta, rüzgârda, korularda, denizde, sokaklarda. Okuyup duyduğum, kafamda canlandırdığım tüm tatlı düşlerin, güzelliklerin canlı simgesi sensin. Estella, istesen de istemesen de son nefesime dek kişiliğimin bir parçası olarak kalacaksın; içimdeki iyilik kadar kötülüğün de bir parçası. Ama bu ayırımı yaparken seni hep iyilikten yana görüyorum. Son nefesime dek de öyle göreceğim, çünkü şu sırada duyduğum acı ne denli keskin olursa olsun, senin bana ettiğin iyilik sanırım kötülükten daha fazladır. Tanrı seni esirgesin, Estella, Tanrı bağışlasın seni!"
Bu bölük pörçük sözler dudaklarımdan dökülürken nasıl bir mutsuzlukla kendimden geçmiştim bilmiyorum. Bu sevda ağıdı içimdeki bir yaradan fışkıran kan gibi dışarı boşanıyordu. Elini uzun uzun dudaklarıma bastırdım, sonra ayrıldım oradan. Ama bu ayrılış sahnesinde unutamadığım şey, (ki bunu çok geçmeden bambaşka bir nedenle yeniden anımsayacaktım) Miss Havisham'ın tutumudur. Estella bana yalnızca inanmazlık ve şaşkınlıkla bakadursun, elini hâlâ yüreğine | 0.006508 | -2.154415 | -1.677349 | -1.086987 | [
0.118222588354379,
-0.10520571600104378
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-2.1472524828392396,
-2.161577511489717
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-1.7052471559648714,
-1.6494498534064175
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] | 1,334,895 | 402,432 | Book | -1 | -1 |
bastırmış olan Miss Havisham'ın o hortlağımsı yüzü tüyler ürpertici bir acıma ve pişmanlıkla eriyip gitmiş gibiydi.
Her şey bitmişti artık; ellerim böğrümde kalakalmıştım. Öyle bir tükeniklikle boşluktu ki köşkten dışarı çıktığım zaman gün ışığı bile kararmış gibi geldi. Bir süre, kimseye görünmemek için arka sokaklarda, kır yollarında dönüp dolandım, sonra Londra'ya dek yürüme amacıyla yola düzüldüm. Çünkü bu arada biraz kendimi toparlamış olduğumdan, hana dönüp de Drummle'la karşılaşmaya dayanamayacağımı anlamıştım; posta arabasına binip yolcularla çene çalmaya da... anlamıştım ki şu sırada yapabileceğim en iyi şey yorgunluktan bitkin düşmek.
Londra Köprüsü'nü geçtiğimde saat de gece yarısını geçiyordu. O yıllarda ırmağın Middlesex kıyısından batıya doğru uzanan dar, girdili çıktılı sokaklara daldım. Temple'a çıkmak için en kestirme yol, ırmağın yakınlarındaki Whitefriars semtinden geçiyordu. Evden beni ertesi sabah bekliyorlardı. Ama anahtarım vardı. Herbert yatmışsa bile onu uyandırmadan kendi odama girebilirdim.
Temple kapandıktan sonra Whitefriars Kapısı'ndan girmem pek olağan değildi; çok da bitkin, üstüm başım çamurlu olduğundan gece bekçisi beni içeri alırken dikkatle süzdüğü zaman kızmadım. Kendimi tanıtmak için adımı bile söyledim.
Bekçi, "Benzettim ama çıkartamadım, efendim," dedi. "Size bir mektup var, efendim. Getiren haberci dedi ki, lütfen burada, benim fenerin ışığında okuyacakmışsınız."
Bu isteğe çok şaşırarak mektubu aldım. Sayın Philip Pip'e yazılmıştı. Zarfın üst köşesinde de, "Lütfen bunu burada okuyun," deniyordu.
Zarfı açtım, bekçinin tuttuğu fenerin ışığında, Wemmick'in elyazısıyla yazılmış olan pusulayı okudum:
EVE GİTMEYİN.
# 45
Bu uyarıyı okur okumaz Temple Kapısı'ndan gerisin geriye dönerek palas pandıras Fleet Sokağı'na vardım, orada saatin geçliğine karşın kiralık bir araba bularak Covent Gardens'deki Hummums'a gittim. O günlerde burada, gecenin her saatinde boş oda bulabilirdiniz. Kâtip beni hemen içeri alarak rafta hazır duran şamdan | -0.01669 | -1.524114 | -1.522638 | -1.105197 | [
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] | 1,334,895 | 403,456 | Book | -1 | -1 |
ı yaktı, sonra listesinde sıra bekleyen yatak odasına gittik. İlk katın arkasında, mahzen gibi bir yerdi, burası. Koskocaman, dört direkli, canavar gibi bir karyola odayı avucunun içine alarak bacaklarını keyfince germiş, ayaklarının birini şöminenin içine, bir başkasını da kapı eşiğine uzatarak zavallı, sefil lavaboyu kutsal bir hak kullanıyormuş gibi köşeye kıstırıp çile doldurmaya bırakmıştı.
Beni getiren kâhya odadan çıkmadan önce bir gece kandili istediğim için, eski günlerden kalma uydurma bir yağ kandili getirdi – el değdiği anda kırılıveren bir baston hayaletine benzeyen bu nesne, kenarlarındaki yuvarlak deliklerden duvara faltaşı misali açılmış gözler gibi ışık yansıtan bir teneke kabın dibine oturtulmuş hiçbir şeyi aydınlatmayan bir kandildi. Ayaklarım sızlayarak yorgun ve bitkin bir halde yatağa girdiğimde ne bu gülünç Argos'un20 gözlerini kapatabildim, ne de kendi gözlerimi. Böylece gecenin karanlığında ve kasvetinde birbirimize bakıp durduk.
Nasıl da üzüntü dolu bir geceydi! Öyle kaygı dolu, karamsar, sıkıntılı, öylesine de uzun. Odada soğuk kurumla sıcak toz kokusundan oluşmuş hiç de konuksever olmayan bir hava vardı. Tepedeki tentenin köşelerine baktıkça, kasaptan uçup gelen kocaman karasineklerle pazaryerinden göç eden kulağakaçanların ve taşradan gelen kurtçukların yuvalanmış, gelecek yazı beklemekte olduklarını düşünmekten kendimi alamadım. Derken, "Acaba bunların içinden aşağı yuvarlananlar oluyor mudur?" diye bir kuşkuya kapıldım. O zaman yüzümde hafif kıpırtılar duyar gibi oldum. Hiç de hoş olmayan bir düşünceydi bu, çünkü arkamdan da daha başka, sevimsiz şeylerin çıkıp gelebileceğini aklıma getiriyordu. Bir süre uyanık yattım. O zaman sessizliği dolduran o sayısız, tuhaf sesler kendilerini bana duyurmaya başladılar: Dolap fısıldıyor, ocak iç geçiriyor, küçük lavabo tıkırdıyor, dolabın içindeyse arada bir gitarın telleri vınlıyordu. Aynı zamanda, yuvarlak delikli lambadan duvara vuran ışıktan gözlere bambaşka bir bakış gelir gibi oluyordu ve ben bu donuk bakışların her birinde "Eve gitmeyin" diye yazdığını görüyordum.
Üzerime üşüşen gece kuruntuların | -0.251932 | -1.642295 | -1.560681 | -1.189742 | [
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ın, gece seslerinin hiçbiri bu, "Eve gitmeyin" sözlerini silip savamıyordu. Bu sözler bedensel bir sancı gibi, tüm düşüncelerime sızıyordu. Daha şu yakınlarda, bir gece Hummums'a gelen bir beyin yatakta kendi canına kıydığını, sabahleyin kanlar içinde bulunduğunu gazetelerde okumuştum. Durup dururken, bu olayın mutlaka benim kaldığım şu izbede geçmiş olduğunu aklıma taktım; kalkıp ötede beride kan lekesi aradım. Sonra koridorlara çıkan kapıyı açarak başucunda kâtibin uyukladığı uzak ışığın can yoldaşlığıyla avunmaya çalıştım.
Öte yandan da, "Eve neden gitmeyecekmişim? Evde ne olmuş olabilir? Ne zaman dönebilirim oraya? Provis'in başına bir şey mi geldi acaba?" sorularıyla kafam öylesine dopdoluydu ki içinde başka düşünceye yer bulunamayacağını sanırdınız. Estella'yı ve o gün nasıl bir daha kavuşmamacasına ayrıldığımızı düşündüğüm zaman, ayrılık sahnemizin tüm ayrıntılarını, Estella'nın bakışlarıyla sesini, örgü ören parmaklarının kıpırtısını anımsadığım zaman bile kafamın bir yönü şurda burda, köşe bucaklarda, her yerde, "Eve gitmeyin" uyarısını izleyip duruyordu.
Sonunda, kafamın ve bedenimin yorgunluğuna dayanamayarak tedirgin bir uykuya daldığım zaman bile bu uyarı, ele alıp çekimlerini yapmam gereken koskocaman, heyula bir fiile dönüştü: Şimdiki zaman-emir kipi: Sen eve gitme, o eve gitmesin, biz eve gitmeyelim, siz ya da sizler eve gitmeyin. Sonra da bu kökten yola çıkarak: Eve gidemem, eve gitmemeliyim; eve gidemeyeceğim, eve gitmeyeceğim, eve gitmemem gerekiyor... öyle ki sonunda aklımı kaçıracağımı sanarak gene sırtüstü döndüm, gözlerimi duvarlardaki o donuk bakışlı ışık yuvarlaklarına diktim.
Kapıya, beni sabah yedide uyandırmalarını söylemiştim, çünkü herkesten önce Wemmick'i görmem gerektiği, bu durumda da onun ancak Walworth'daki kişiliğine başvurabileceğim belli bir şeydi. Kendimi o korkunç, perişan geceyi geçirdiğim yerden dışarıya atmak için sabırsızlanıyordum. Bu yüzden kapımı ikinci kez tıkırdatmalarına gerek bırakmadan, hemencecik, uykusuz yatağımdan fırladım.
Saat sekizde Walworth Kales | -0.364588 | -1.746152 | -1.634232 | -1.024555 | [
-0.40225407466514995,
-0.3269219260702181
] | [
-1.8106143095530123,
-1.6816890516987124
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-1.5581451764925838,
-1.7103196380156398
] | [
-1.0856867823103928,
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i'nin burçları önümde yükseliyordu. Küçük hizmetçi kız da tam o sırada elinde iki taze, sıcacık francala ile kaleye girmek üzere olduğundan, onunla birlikte kemerden, köprüden geçerek kendisiyle yaşlı babasına çay demlemekte olan Wemmick'in karşısına hiç habersiz çıkıverdim. Açık duran bir kapıdan hâlâ yatağında yatmakta olan ihtiyarı gördüm.
"Günaydın, Mr. Pip!" dedi Wemmick. "Döndünüz demek?"
"Evet, ama eve gitmedim."
Wemmick, "Güzel," diyerek ellerini ovuşturdu. "Her olasılığa karşı Temple'ın bütün kapılarına sizin için bir pusula bırakmıştım. Hangi kapıdan geldiniz?"
Söyledim.
Wemmick, "Ben bugün öteki kapılara da gider, pusulaları ortadan kaldırırım," dedi. "Ne olur ne olmaz. İnsan ortada yazılı kanıt bırakmamaya bakmalı, çünkü hiç bilinmez, gün gelir insanın aleyhine kullanılabilir. Bu arada kusura bakmazsanız bir angarya yükleyeceğim size: Yaşlı Babamızın sosisini kızartabilir misiniz, zahmet olmazsa?"
Bunu seve seve yapacağımı bildirdim.
Wemmick küçük hizmetçi kıza dönerek, "Öyleyse sen de öbür işlerine bakabilirsin, Mary Anne," dedi. Kız çekildiği zaman da Wemmick, "Böylelikle biz de baş başa kalmış oluruz," diye göz kırparak ekledi. "Anlarsınız ya, Mr. Pip?"
Gösterdiği candanlıkla titizliğe teşekkür ettim. Ben bir yandan ihtiyarın sosisini ateşte kızartıp francalasına tereyağı sürerken yavaş sesle konuşmaya başladık.
Wemmick, "Mr. Pip, biliyor musunuz," dedi. "Sizinle iyi anlaşıyoruz. Şu sırada özel kimliklerimizle birbirimizin karşısındayız. Daha önce de böyle özel, gizli bir iş yapmışlığımız var birlikte. Resmî duygularımızla düşüncelerimiz bambaşka şeylerdir. Bugün resmîlikten sıyrılmış durumdayız."
Bu sözleri yürekten onayladım. Öyle diken üstünde, aklım başımdan gitmiş durumdaydım ki daha şimdiden ihtiyarın sosisini meşale gibi yakarak üfleyip söndürmek zorunda kalmıştım.
Wemmick, "Dün sabah bir rastlantı sonucu kulağıma bir şeyler çalındı," dedi. "Hani bir sabah sizinle birlikte bir yere gitmiştik. İkimizin arasında bile birtakım adları anmamaya çalışmakta yarar vard | -0.113937 | -1.928796 | -1.438942 | -1.233965 | [
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ır."
"Elbette," dedim. "Sizi çok iyi anlıyorum."
"İşte orada dün sabah kulağıma bir rastlantı sonucu çalındığına göre, sömürgecilerle ilişkisi olduğunu ve de taşınabilir mülk sahibi bulunduğunu ileri sürebileceğimiz bir kimse... kim olduğunu kesinlikle bildiğimden değil ya... adını da elbet anmayacağız..."
"Hiç gereği yok," dedim.
"Birçoğunun çoğu zaman kendi isteği dışında hem de devlet kesesinden diyebileceğimiz bir yoldan gidip yerleştikleri bir ülkede..."
Wemmick'in yüzüne öyle dalmıştım ki ihtiyarın sosisini maytap gibi tutuşturarak kendi dikkatimi de Wemmick'inkini de iyice dağıttım.
Wemmick, "... Bu kişi birden ortadan yok olarak, hiç de iz bırakmadığı için büyük heyecan yaratmış," diye sözlerinin arkasını getirdi. "Bu yüzden de bu olayla ilgili birçok olasılıklar tartışılmış, birçok varsayımlar yürütülmüş. Sizin, Temple'daki Garden Court adresinizde gözetlenmekte olduğunuz, bundan böyle de gözlenebileceğiniz kulağıma çalındı."
"Kimlerce?" diye sordum.
Wemmick, "Bunu kurcalamayalım," diye sorumu geçiştirdi. "Yoksa resmî görevlerime ters düşebilir. Adı gerekmeyen o yerde kulağıma her zaman çalınagelen ilginç şeylerden birisi bu. Bunu bir ihbar üzerine söylemiyorum. Kulağıma geldi, hepsi bu."
Bir yandan da kızartma çatalıyla sosisi elimden aldı, ihtiyarın kahvaltısını küçük bir tepsinin üzerine güzelce hazırladı. Tepsiyi götürmeden önce onun odasına giderek ihtiyarın boynuna kar gibi bir peçete bağladı, sırtına bir yastık dayadı, gecelik takkesinin püskülünü de bir yana yatırarak yaşlı beyefendiye çapkın bir görünüm kazandırdı. Sonra kahvaltıyı büyük bir özenle babanın önüne yerleştirdi. "İyisin değil mi baba?" diye sordu.
Neşeli ihtiyar, "İyiyim oğlum John, turp gibiyim," diye yanıt verdi. Gecelik kılığıyla olduğundan yabancıların onu görmezden gelmeleri gerektiği anlaşılıyordu. Ben de bu yüzden olup bitenleri hiç görüp duymuyormuşum gibi yaptım.
Wemmick babasının odasından çıktığı zaman ona, "Şu benim evin gözlenmesi olayı," dedim. "Bundan bir ara ben de kuşkulanmıştım. Olayı, söz | -0.206061 | -1.91089 | -1.606334 | -1.241769 | [
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] | 1,334,895 | 407,552 | Book | -1 | -1 |
ü geçen kişinin varlığından ayrı olarak ele alamayız, değil mi?"
Wemmick büyük bir ciddilikle, "Böyle bir şeyi kendi bilgime dayanarak ileri süremem," dedi. "Demek istediğim, ilk görüşte söylemeyi göze alamam. Ne var ki ya öyledir, ya öyle olacaktır ya da öyle olma tehlikesiyle yüz yüzedir."
Litte Britain, dünyasına olan bağlılığının onu bundan öte bir şey söylemekten alıkoyduğunu, bunları söylemesinin bile ne büyük bir özveri olduğunu biliyor, bu yüzden de ona karşı gönül borcu duyuyordum. Başkaca bir şey soramazdım. Yalnız, ateş başında biraz düşündükten sonra ona, yanıtlayıp yanıtlamamayı kendisine bırakarak bir soru sormak istediğimi, bu konuda en doğru yolu seçeceğine inandığımı söyledim. Wemmick kahvaltısına ara verip kollarını göğsünde kavuşturdu, gömleğinin kollarını çekeledi (onun gözünde evinde rahat etmek demek ceketsiz oturmak demekti), sonra, peki sor gibilerden baş eğdi.
"Asıl adı Compeyson olan, kötü tanınmış bir adamı duymuşluğunuz var mı?"
Wemmick gene, evet gibilerden bir baş eğişiyle yanıt verdi.
"Bu adam sağ mı?"
Bir baş eğişi daha.
"Londra'da mı?"
Wemmick gene baş eğdikten sonra o posta kutusuna benzeyen ağzını kısabildiğince kısarak başını son bir kez daha eğdi, kahvaltısına döndü.
Wemmick benim durumu iyice kavramam için sözlerini dikkatle vurgulayarak, "İmdii," dedi. "Sorgu faslı kapandığına göre, o şeyleri duyduktan sonra neler yaptığıma gelelim. Sizi bulmak için Garden Court'a gittim. Bulamayınca Mr. Herbert'i aramaya, Clarriker'lerin oraya gittim."
Büyük bir kaygıyla, "Onu buldunuz, umarım?" diye sordum.
"Onu buldum," dedi Wemmick. "Kimsenin adını vermeden, işin ayrıntılarına da kaçmadan kulağını büktüm: Sizin dairenizde ya da yakınlarda bir yerde kalan birilerinden haberi varsa, ne bileyim, Tom mu, Jack mi, Richard mı, her kimse, bu kimseyi hazır siz ortalıkta yokken oradan uzaklaştırmasını söyledim."
"Ne yapacağını şaşırmıştır, değil mi?"
"Çok şaşırdı. Hele ben, Tom mu, Jack mi, Richard mı, işte her kimse onu şimdilik çok uzaklara aşırmanın tehlikeli olduğunu s | -0.30963 | -1.728245 | -1.601261 | -1.223559 | [
-0.1923513151710899,
-0.4269082323871276
] | [
-1.6172264227715627,
-1.8392643668539679
] | [
-1.4566955354772129,
-1.7458270123710196
] | [
-1.1403155579437034,
-1.306803255111888
] | 1,024 | [
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269
] | 1,334,895 | 408,576 | Book | -1 | -1 |
öyleyince hiçbir şey anlayamadı. Ben size bir şey söyleyeyim mi, Mr. Pip? Şu sıradaki koşullar altında insan bir kez bir büyük kente gelmişse eğer, yapabileceği en iyi iş orada kalmaktır. Daha iyi bir yer bulunamaz bu durumda. Siperden ayrılmakta acele etmeyin. Sinin köşenize. Açık havaya çıkmak, diyelim yabancı bir ülkeye gitmek filan için ortalık biraz yatışıncaya kadar bekleyin."
Ona bu değerli öğüdü için teşekkür ederek Herbert'in ne yapmış olduğunu sordum.
Wemmick, "Yarım saat eli ayağı kesilerek yığılıp kaldıktan sonra Mr. Herbert bir plan yaptı," dedi. "Bana, aramızda kalması koşuluyla bir şey söyledi. Sanırım siz de biliyorsunuz, kendisi genç bir hanımefendiyle sözlüymüş; hanımefendinin de yatalak bir babası varmış. Bu yatalak baba eskiden gemilerde başkâtiplik, veznedarlık yaptığından şimdi de yatağını bir cumbanın önüne taşıtmış; oradan, yattığı yerden, ırmakta gelip geçen gemilere bakar dururmuş. Bu hanımefendiyle siz de büyük ihtimalle tanıştırıldınız, değil mi?"
"Hayır bizzat değil," dedim.
Doğrusunu isterseniz bu kız, beni parasını har vurup harman savuran bir hovarda gözüyle gördüğünden Herbert için yararlı bir arkadaş olamayacağıma inanıyordu. Herbert bizi tanıştırmayı ilk önerdiği zaman kız öylesine çekimser davranmış ki Herbert durumu bana açmak, tanışma törenini biraz ertelemek gerektiğini söylemek zorunda kalmıştı. Herbert'in mali durumunu gizliden gizliye düzeltmeye başladığım zaman kızın bu tutumunu neşeyle sineye çekmeyi başarmış, onların bu konudaki görüşmelerini, düşlerini bir üçüncü kişiyle paylaşmak istemeyeceklerini doğal saymıştım. Zamanla Herbert bana, Clara'nın gözünde yükselmeye başladığımı bildirmiş, Clara ile ben birbirimize Herbert aracılığıyla selamlar yollar olmuştuk. Gene de Clara'yı hiç görmemiştim. Her neyse, bu ayrıntılarla Wemmick'in kafasını şişirmedim.
Wemmick, "Bu cumbalı ev ırmak kıyısında, Limehouse ile Greenwich arasındaki koydaymış, sahibi de dürüst, namuslu bir dul kadıncağız olup evin üst katında, kiralık, möbleli bir dairesi varmış," diye konuşmasını sürdürdü. "Mr. Herbert de bana sordu, Tom mu, Jack mi, Richard mı, | -0.25266 | -1.728245 | -1.540391 | -1.144218 | [
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] | 1,334,895 | 409,600 | Book | -1 | -1 |
her kimse onu bir süre için buraya alsak nasıl olur, diye. Ben de üç nedenden ötürü çok iyi olur dedim ki bu nedenleri şimdi size sıralayacağım. Efendime söyleyeyim. Birincisi: Sizin her zaman gezip dolaştığınız çevrelerden tümüyle uzak, tam anlamıyla ücra bir köşe. İkincisi: Kendiniz bu semte uğramaksızın, Herbert yoluyla Tom, Jack ya da Richard'dan haber alabilirsiniz. Üçüncüsü: Bir süre sonra, tehlike ortadan kalktığı zaman şu Jack mi, Tom mu, Richard mı, her kimse onu, dışarı giden bir gemiye bindirip göndermek isterseniz şayet ırmak orada, hazır ayağınızın dibinde demektir."
Çok hafiflemiş, avunmuş olarak Wemmick'e teşekkür üstüne teşekkür ettim, sonra sözlerini sürdürmesini diledim.
"Aman, efendim! Mr. Herbert öyle bir sıkı tuttu ki bu işi, o akşam saat dokuzda, Tom mu, Richard mı, Jack mi, işte o bizim adını bilmek istemediğimiz kişi yeni evine bir güzel yerleşmişti bile. Eski kaldığı yere onun Dover'a çağrılmış olduğu söylendi. Kendisi gerçekten Dover Yolu'ndan dolaştırılarak yeni evine götürüldü. Şimdi, işin en güzel yönlerinden biri her şeyin siz yokken olup bitmesidir. Sizin yapıp ettiklerinizle ilgilenenler varsa dün o saatlerde sizin kilometrelerce ötede, bambaşka işler peşinde olduğunuzu elbette biliyorlardı. Böylece kuşkuları başka yöne çekip akılları karıştırmış olduk. Bu nedenle size dün gece kente dönseniz de evinize gitmemenizi öğütledim. Böylelikle durumu daha da karıştırmış oluyoruz, istediğimiz kafa karıştırmaksa eğer."
Kahvaltısını bitirmiş olan Wemmick saatine baktı, ceketini giymeye davrandı. Ellerini ceketinin koluna sokarken, "Şimdi," dedi. "Mr. Pip, elimden geleni yaptığımı sanıyorum. Ama eğer başkaca yapabileceklerim varsa (ancak Walworth açısından, özel ve kişisel olarak elbet) seve seve yaparım. Buyurun, işte adres. Bu akşam kendi evinize dönmeden önce buraya uğrayarak Tom, Jack ya da Richard'ı yoklayıp rahatının yerinde olduğunu kendi gözlerinizle görmenizde hiçbir sakınca yok. Zaten dün evinize dönmenizi istemeyişimin bir nedeni de buydu. Yalnız, bir kez kendi evinize gittikten sonra bir daha bu adrese uğramayın." Ben şimdi onun kol yenlerinden çıkmış olan ellerini şükranla sıkmakta olduğumdan Wemmick, "Hiçbir ş | -0.709061 | -1.982515 | -1.606334 | -1.315908 | [
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ey değil, Mr. Pip, hiçbir şey değil, inanın bana," dedi. Sonra, "Şimdi de son olarak çok önemli bir noktanın üstünde durmak, bunu size açıkça anlatmak istiyorum," diyerek ellerini omuzlarıma koydu, ciddi bir fısıltıyla, "Bu gece fırsattan yararlanarak onun taşınabilir mülklerine el koyun," diye ekledi. "Onun başına ne geleceğini bilemeyiz. Taşınabilir mülkünün başına bir şey gelmesine izin vermeyin."
Bu konudaki düşünce ve duygularımı Wemmick'e anlatabileceğimden hiç umudum olmadığı için açıklamaya kalkışmadım bile.
Wemmick, "Saatim geldi; yola çıkmam gerek," dedi. "Yapacak daha ivedi işleriniz yoksa karanlığa dek burada kalmanızı öğütlerim size. Yorgun, tasalı olduğunuz yüzünüzden akıyor. Burada ihtiyarla haşır neşir olarak şöyle sessiz bir gün geçirmek, başınızı dinlemek iyi gelir. Babamız yakında kalkar. Sonra biraz da şey alırsınız, şey, hani bizim o domuzu unutmamışsınızdır, değil mi?"
"Elbette unutmadım."
"İşte bir parça da onunla ilgilenirsiniz. Biraz önce kızarttığınız sosis ondan yapılmaydı. Her yönden birinci sınıf bir hayvandı doğrusu. Bir tadına bakın, hiç değilse eski günlerin hatırı için." Sonra Wemmick neşeli bir sesle, "Hoşça kal, Yaşlı Baba," diye bağırdı.
Yaşlı adam içeriden o ince sesiyle, "Peki John, peki," diye yanıtladı.
Çok geçmeden Wemmick'in ocağının başında uyuyakaldım. İhtiyarla bütün gün karşılıklı uyuyup uyanarak pek güzel arkadaşlık ettik. Yemekte domuz buduyla evin bahçesinde yetişmiş olan sebzelerden yedik. İhtiyara kimi zaman canlı canlı, kimi zaman uykulu uykulu baş sallayıp durdum. Karanlık iyice bastığı zaman Kale' den ayrıldım. İhtiyar akşam çayı için ekmek kızartmaya başlamıştı. Kızarttığı ekmeklerin sayısından, bir de duvardaki kapaklara sık sık göz atmasından, Miss Skiffins'in de çaya beklendiğini anladım.
20. Panoptes (Yunancada "Hepgöz"), Yunan mitolojisinde bazen İnakhos, Agenor ya da Arestor'un oğlu, bazen de yerli bir kahraman olarak tanımlanır. Bedeninin her yerine dağılmış 100 gözünden dolayı bu adı almıştır. (Y.N.)
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] | 1,334,895 | 411,648 | Book | -1 | -1 |
6
Irmak kıyısında gemi ve gemi donatım tezgâhlarının bulunduğu mahalleye vardığımda saat sekizi vurmuştu. Havada insanın hoşuna giden bir talaş kokusu vardı. Köprünün berisindeki bu yöre, koyun yukarı ve aşağı bölümleri benim için yabancıydı. Irmak boyuna indiğimde aradığım adresin sandığım yerde olmadığını gördüm, kolay kolay da bulunamayacağını anladım. Mahallenin adı, Chinks's Basin, Mill Pond Bank'ti. Chinks's Basin'e çıkmak için de Old Green Copper Rope-Walk denilen sokaktan başka yol bilmiyordum.
Rıhtımda onarılmakta olan kaç türlü geminin, parçalanmak üzere kıyıya çekilmiş hangi hurdaların arasında yolumu şaşırdım; suların getirip bıraktığı çamurlar, yosunlar arasında, gemi onarma ve gemi parçalama tezgâhlarının avlularında nasıl dönüp dolaşarak, yıllar önce emekliye çıkarılıp toprağa saplanmış kaç demir, kaç fıçı yığını, kereste destesi gördüm, kaç yanlış sokağa girip çıktım... önemi yok. Sayısız kereler istikametimin ya berisine ya gerisine düşerek işe yeniden başladıktan sonra, birden bir köşeyi dönerek kendimi, hiç beklemediğim bir sırada Mill Pond Bank'in kıyısında buldum.
O çevreye göre temiz, ferah bir yer sayılırdı. Rüzgârın dönüp dolaşmasına elverişli bir alanı, üç-beş ağacı vardı, bir de bir yel değirmeni kalıntısının yıkık gövdesi göze çarpıyordu. Old Green Copper Rope-Walk da buradaydı; ay ışığında şöyle böyle seçebildiğim iki sıra kazık, yolun yerini belli ediyordu. Kazıklar çok eskilerden kalma, kocamış, dişleri dökülmüş tırmıkları andırıyorlardı.
Koy kıyısındaki tuhaf görünümlü evlerin arasından ahşap cepheli, üç katı da cumbalı olan evi seçerek kapının üstündeki levhada Mrs. Whimple adını okudum. Benim de aradığım ad bu olduğuna göre kapıyı vurdum. Yaşını başını almış güleç, gürbüz, temiz pak bir hanım bana kapıyı açtı. Ne var ki Herbert hemen ortaya çıkarak kadının yerine geçti, beni hiç ses çıkarmadan bir oturma odasına alıp kapıyı örttü.
Bu tanıdık yüzü bu hiç tanımadığım yerde görmek, onun bu yabancı yerde kendi evindeymiş gibi rahat olması öyle tu | -0.342673 | -1.670945 | -1.39963 | -1.28209 | [
-0.3995147238071524,
-0.28583166320025527
] | [
-1.6387139657472791,
-1.703176594674429
] | [
-1.6291599252033433,
-1.1701002996087906
] | [
-1.1689306308944851,
-1.395249844232486
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hafıma gitti ki! Ona da, odadaki tanıdık olmayan eşyalara, köşedeki camlı dolabın içindeki kristallerle porselenlere, şöminenin üstündeki deniz kabuklarına, duvardaki renkli gravürlere bakar gibi yadırgayarak baktım. Bu resimler Kaptan Cook'un ölümünü, bir geminin suya indirilişini, Majeste Kral III. George'un Windsor Sarayı'nın terasında duruşunu gösteriyordu. Kralın başında araba sürücülerinin kullandığına benzeyen bir takma saç, ayağında ise deriden külot pantolon ve çizmeler vardı.
Herbert, "İşler yolunda, Handel," dedi. "Konuğumuz seni görmek için sabırsızlanmakla birlikte durumundan hoşnut. Sevgili Clara'm babasının yanında. Aşağı ininceye dek beklersen sizleri tanıştırırım, sonra da yukarı çıkarız... İşte Clara'nın babası!"
Bu arada yukarıdan ürkütücü homurtular işitmeye başlamış olduğumdan belli ki duyduğum kaygı yüzüme de vurmuştu.
Herbert, "Zavallı, huysuz ihtiyarın biri," dedi. "Ama onu şimdiye kadar hiç görmüş değilim. Rom kokusunu alabiliyor musun? Elinden hiç eksik etmez."
"Rom mu?"
"Rom ya! Onun gut hastalığını nasıl hafiflettiğini tahmin edersin. Sonra yiyecek içecekleri de kendi odasında, raflarda saklayıp ölçüyle, tartıyla veriyor. Oda değil, bakkal dükkânı gibi bir yer olsa gerek."
O böyle konuşurken yukarıdaki homurtular uzun bir kükreyişe dönüşmüş, sonra kesilmişti.
Herbert bunun açıklamasını yaparak, "Peynir tekerini kendi kesmekte direnirse böyle olur elbet," diye belirtti. "Başka yerlerinin yanı sıra sağ eli de gutlu olan bir adam, kapkalın Glouchester peynirini kesmekte diretirse elbet kendi elini de kesecektir."
Yukarıdaki baba elini kötü kesmiş olsa gerek ki ev yeni bir kükreyişle zangırdadı.
Herbert, "Mr. Provis'in üst kata gelmesi Mrs. Whimple için Tanrı'nın bir nimeti sayılır," diye ekledi. "Öyle ya, bu gürültüye başka kim dayanır? Tuhaf bir yer burası, değil mi Handel?"
Gerçekten tuhaftı tuhaf olmasına da bir yandan da şaşılacak kadar temiz, derli topluydu.
Ben böyle deyince Herbert, "Mrs. Whimple eteği belinde, tam bir ev hanımıdır," dedi. "Clara'cığıma öz anası gibi kol kanat geriyor, yoksa kızcağız ne yapardı bilmem. Handel, Clara anası | -0.011897 | -1.749733 | -1.60887 | -1.150721 | [
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z büyümüş, biliyor musun? Yukarıdaki Zehirzemberek Hazretleri'nden başka da kimsesi yok."
"Aman Herbert, adı gerçekten böyle değil ya bu adamın?"
"Yok canım, benim taktığım ad bu. Gerçek adı Mr. Barley. Neyse, böyle kimsesiz, bir kızı sevmiş olmam babamın ve annemin oğlu için ne büyük nimet, değil mi? Kimsesi bulunmadığına göre kendisinin de, benim de, herkesin de başı dinç olacak demektir."
Herbert bana daha önce anlatmıştı ama şimdi yeniden hatırlattı. Miss Clara Barley ile Hammersmith'teki bir okulda okurken tanışmışlar. Clara babasına bakmak için okulu bırakıp eve döndüğünde iki sevgili duygularını anaç Mrs. Whimple'a açmışlar. Mrs. Whimple da onların sevgilerini iyi yürekliliğine eşit bir ağız sıkılığı ve dikkatle destekleyip esirgemiş. Sevda konularıyla ilgili hiçbir şeyin Barley Baba'ya açılamayacağını hepsi de çok iyi biliyorlarmış, çünkü Barley Baba gut hastalığı, rom ve nevale stoklarından daha duygusal hiçbir konu ile ilgilenebilecek yapıda bir adam değilmiş.
Barley Baba'nın arkası hiç kesilmeyen homurtuları tavan arasında titreşimler yaratadursun, biz usul usul bunları konuşmaktayken içeriye yirmi bir yaşlarında, ufak tefek, çok güzel, koyu renk gözlü bir kız girdi. Elinde bir sepet vardı. Herbert hemen bu sepeti alarak beni görünce pespembe kesilmiş olan kızı, Clara, diye tanıttı. Clara gerçekten çok sevimli, bir içim su gibi bir kızdı. İnsanın onu, Barley Baba denilen kötü devin tutsak alarak kölelik yaptırttığı bir peri kızı sanası geliyordu.
Bir süre hoşbeş ettikten sonra Herbert sevgi, anlayış dolu bir gülüşle sepeti bana göstererek, "Şuraya bak," dedi. "İşte babasının Clara'ya ayırdığı akşam yemeği. Bu, kızcağıza düşen ekmekle peynir dilimi, bu da rom payı. Bunu ben içiyorum... Bu da Mr. Barley'in yarın sabah için hazırlanmasını istediği kahvaltılıklar. İki koyun pirzolası, üç patates, çorbalık mercimek, biraz un, biraz yağ, bir çimdik tuzla bir sürü karabiber. Hepsini bir arada yahni yaptırıp sıcak sıcak yiyor. Gut hastalığına ne iyi geliyordur kim bilir!"
Herbert'in birer birer gösterdiği yiyeceklere Clara' nın hiç yakınmasız bakışında öyle cana yakın, yap | -0.182507 | -1.65662 | -1.206876 | -1.304202 | [
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] | 1,334,895 | 414,720 | Book | -1 | -1 |
macıksız bir şey vardı, Herbert'in sarılan koluna öyle masum, çekingen, gene de öyle güvenle, sevgiyle sokuluyordu ve öylesine uysal ve yumuşaktı ki... Mill Pond Bank, Chinks's Basin, Old Green Copper Rope-Walk denilen bu yerde, Barley Baba'nın homurtularıyla vınlayan bu tavan atkısının altında, savunmaya son derece gereksinimi olduğu öyle belli bir şeydi ki milyon verseler Herbert ile onun arasına girmeyi düşünemezdim!
Ben genç kıza sevgi ve hayranlıkla bakarken homurtu gene yükselip bir kükreyişe dönüştü, sonra üst katta, tahta bacaklı bir dev tavanı delip üstümüze gelmek istermişçesine korkunç bir patırtı oldu. Bunun üzerine Clara, Herbert'e dönerek, "Babam beni çağırıyor, canım," dedi, koşarak çıktı.
Herbert, "Al sana işte, Tanrı'dan korkmaz kocamış kurt!" diye söylendi. "Şimdi ne istiyordur dersin Handel, bil bakalım?"
"Bilmem ki," dedim. "İçecek bir şey mi?"
Herbert son derece güç bir bilmece çözümlemişim gibi coşkuyla, "Tam üstüne bastın," dedi. "İçkisini suyla karıştırıp masa üstündeki bir kâsede hazır bulunduruyor. Bekle, şimdi Clara'nın onu doğrultup içkisini verdiğini duyacaksın. Hayda, işte!" Bir kükreme daha oldu, bunu uzun süren bir sarsıntı izledi. Derken ortalığa sessizlik çökünce Herbert, "Şimdi," diye ekledi. "Barley Baba içkisini içiyor." Tavan atkısı gene bir homurtuyla sarsılınca Herbert, "Şimdi de gene arkasına yaslandı," dedi.
Az sonra Clara aşağı indi. Herbert'le birlikte yanıma katıldı, yukarıya, dostumuzu görmeye çıktık. Barley'in kapısının önünden geçerken onun içeride boğuk sesle, rüzgâr gibi yükselip alçalan bir makamla tekerlemeye benzer bir şeyler mırıldandığını duyduk. Tekerlemeyi, içindeki uygunsuz birtakım istemleri iyilik dilekleriyle değiş tokuş ederek aşağıya veriyorum.
"Heyamola, heyamola, Tanrı senden razı ola. Bana derler Billy Barley. Bana derler Billy Barley, Tanrı senden razı ola. Gel bak koca Billy Barley, tutmaz olmuş ayağı eli. Neylersin Tanrı buyurmuş, koca torik karaya vurmuş, yatar durur Billy Barley. Heyamola, heyamola, Tanrı senden razı ola..."
Herbert bana Barley Baba'nın gece gündüz demeden böyle tekerlemelerle kendini avuttuğunu, aydınlık saatlerdeyse, kolaylık olsun diye başucunda duran teleskopla ırmağı se | -0.23327 | -1.674527 | -1.509957 | -1.248272 | [
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] | 1,334,895 | 415,744 | Book | -1 | -1 |
yrettiğini anlattı.
Provis'i evin üst katındaki iki küçük, ama aydınlık, havadar odaya rahatça yerleştirmiş olduklarını gördüm. Mr. Barley'in gürültüsü buradan, aşağıya oranla daha az duyuluyordu. Provis hiçbir telaş belirtisi göstermiyordu; gerçekten de söze değer hiçbir telaşa kapılmamış olduğu anlaşılıyordu. Üzerine bir yumuşaklık gelmiş gibi göründü bana... Anlatılmaz bir değişimdi bu; nasıl diye sorsanız ne o gün, ne de daha sonra anlatamazdım, gene de kesindi, belirgindi.
O gün başımı dinlemek fırsatını bulmuş olduğumdan sağlam kafayla düşünebilmiş, bunun sonucu olarak da ona Compeyson konusunda hiçbir şey söylememeye karar vermiştim. Neme gerek, bir de bakarsınız içindeki kin yüzünden Compeyson'un peşine düşer, gözü dünyayı görmeyerek kendi başını yerdi. Böylece Herbert'le birlikte Provis'in ocağının başına oturduğumuz zaman ilk işim ona, Wemmick'in sağduyusuna ve bilgi kaynaklarına güvenip güvenmediğini sormak oldu.
Provis, "Elbette sevgili oğlum, elbette," diyerek ciddi ciddi baş salladı. "Jaggers'ın bilmediği yoktur."
"Öyleyse söyleyeyim sana: Ben Wemmick'le görüştüm. Buraya da onun öğütleriyle uyarılarını anlatmaya geldim."
Her şeyi, yalnızca Compeyson'dan söz etmeyerek, ayrıntılarıyla anlattım. Wemmick'in Newgate Zindanı'nda (görevlilerden mi, mahpuslardan mı bilmem), Provis'in kuşku altında olduğunu, benim evin de gözetlendiğini duymuş olduğunu belirttim. Wemmick onun bir süre için ortalıkta dolaşmamasını, benim ondan uzak durmamı, sonra da İngiltere'den ayrılmamızı salık vermişti. Yolculuk zamanı gelince ben de onunla birlikte gidecek ya da Wemmick güvenlik yönünden daha uygun görürse onu izleyecektim. Bundan sonra ne olup biteceği konusuna değinmedim. Zaten şimdi onu böyle yumuşamış, benim yüzümden canını tehlikeye atmış durumda görmüştüm ya bu konuda ben de açıkça, dinç kafayla düşünemez olmuştum. Daha çok paralar harcayıp daha gösterişli bir yaşam sürmeye gelince, yarın ne olacağımızı bilemediğimiz şu güç dönemde böyle girişimlere kalkışmak en azından gülünç kaçmaz mı, diye ona sordum.
Velinimetim sözlerimin do | -0.308774 | -1.552764 | -1.586044 | -1.042764 | [
-0.2235114311808117,
-0.39403602209115735
] | [
-1.645876480072518,
-1.4596511076163075
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-1.6951021918633342,
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ğruluğunu yadsıyamadı. Bütün konuşmamız boyunca çok aklı başında davrandı doğrusu. Dönüp gelmesinin çılgınca bir serüven olduğunu, bunu başından beri bildiğini söylüyordu. Bu serüveni bir ölüm kalım sorununa dönüştürmemek için elinden geleni yapacaktı. Çevresinden gördüğü yakın yardım sayesinde güvenlikte olduğuna da candan inanmaktaydı.
Bu arada ateşe bakarak derin bir düşünceye dalmış olan Herbert lafa karışarak Wemmick'in söylediklerini dinlerken aklına gelen, üstünde durmaya değer bulduğu bir düşünceyi ortaya attı.
"Handel, ikimiz de usta birer kayıkçıyız. Sırası gelince onu bir tekneye bindirip biz uzaklaştırabiliriz buradan. Böylelikle kayık, kayıkçı kiralamak gereği kalmaz; herhangi bir kuşku uyandırmak olasılığı da ortadan kalkar. Ne kadar az kuşku uyandırsak o kadar kârdır. Mevsime filan bakmasan da Temple'ın su kıyısındaki merdivenine bir kayık çeksen, ırmakta sık sık küreğe çıkmayı alışkanlık edinsen iyi olmaz mı, ha, ne dersin? Bir kez bunu alışkanlık edindin mi kimse aldırış etmez, oralı bile olmaz artık. Yirmi kere yap, yirmi birincisinde göz atan bile olmaz; elli kez yap, elli birincisinde görmezler bile..."
Bu tasarı hoşuma gitmişti; hele Provis bayıldı. Tasarıyı ivedilikle uygulamaya karar verdik. Kürek çekerken köprünün altından, Mill Pond Bank'in önünden filan geçecek olursak Provis bizi hiç tanımazlıktan gelecekti. Öte yandan bizi gördüğü zaman, işler yolundaysa doğuya bakan penceresinin güneşlik perdesini indirecekti.
Görüşmemiz böylece sona erip her şey kararlaşınca eve dönmek üzere ayağa kalktım. Herbert'e, birlikte çıkmazsak daha iyi olacağını söyledim. Ben ondan yarım saat önce yola koyulacaktım.
Provis'e, "Gerçi burada, benim yanımda olduğundan daha güvenliktesin, gene de seni bırakıp gitmek içime sinmiyor," dedim. "Hoşça kal."
Provis ellerime sarılarak, "Oğlum benim," dedi. "Bir daha ne zaman görüşürüz, bilmiyorum ama hoşça kal demek hoşuma gitmiyor. İyi geceler diyelim, daha iyi!"
"İyi geceler. Herbert aramızda hemen her gün haber getirip götürecek. Yola çıkma zamanı geldiği zaman da benim hazır olacağıma inanabilirsin. İyi geceler. Sağlıcakla kal!"
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] | 1,334,895 | 417,792 | Book | -1 | -1 |
Onun kendi odasında kalmasını daha uygun bulduk. Sahanlığa çıkarak yolumuzu aydınlatmak için merdivenden aşağı doğru lamba tuttu. Dönüp bakınca, onun geldiği o ilk geceyi anımsadım; o zaman ben yukarıda, o aşağıda, merdivendeydi; gün gelip ondan ayrılırken böyle tasalanacağımı, içimde böylesi bir ağırlık duyacağımı o zaman söyleseler dünyada inanmazdım.
Kapısının önünden geçerken Barley Baba'nın hâlâ homurdanarak sövüp saydığını duyduk. Besbelli bu arada homurdanıp sövmeye ara vermemişti, bundan sonra da vermeye hiç niyeti yok gibiydi.
Merdiven dibine indiğimizde Herbert'e burada da Provis adını kullanmış olup olmadıklarını sordum. Herbert, "Elbette ki hayır; kiracının adı Mr. Campbell'dır," diye yanıtladı. Anlattığına göre Mr. Campbell konusunda buradakilerin bildiği tek şey onun Herbert'e emanet edilmiş olduğu, Herbert'in de onun rahat, sessiz bir yaşam sürmesini sağlamak için elinden geleni yaptığı imiş. Bu yüzden, Mrs. Whimple ile Clara'nın oturmuş nakış işledikleri odaya girdiğimizde ben Mr. Campbell'la özel olarak ilgilendiğimi hiç belli etmeyip kendime sakladım.
O güzel, kara gözlü kızla onun vefalı aşkının bekçiliğini yapan anaç kadına iyi geceler dilediğim zaman Old Green Copper-Rope Walk denilen bu yeri yepyeni gözlerle görmeye başlamıştım. Barley Baba varsın dağlar kadar kocamış olsun, gece gündüz ağız dolusu sövgüler savursun... Bu ev onun tüm huysuzluğunu kapatmaya yetecek kadar gençlik, sevgi, güven ve umutla dolup taşıyordu ya! Derken aklıma Estella, Estella ile ayrılışımız geldi; içim ezilerek eve döndüm.
Temple'da her şey her zamanki gibi sessiz, dingindi. Daha bir gün öncesine dek Provis'in oturduğu katın pencereleri karanlık, kıpırtısızdı şimdi. Garden Court avlusunda da kimsecikler yoktu. Daireme çıkan merdiveni tırmanmadan önce havuzun çevresini iki-üç kez dolaştım ama beni izleyen, gözetleyen olmadı.
Biraz sonra eve dönüp başucuma gelen Herbert de (yorgun, sıkıntılı olduğumdan hemen yatmıştım) aynı şeyi söyledi. Sonra pencerelerden birini açıp aydınlık geceye bakarak, avlunun dua dışı saatlerdeki kilise avluları kadar göksel bir sessizlik ve boşluk içinde uz | -0.221286 | -1.842846 | -1.550536 | -1.486298 | [
-0.37075153979817843,
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] | 1,334,895 | 418,816 | Book | -1 | -1 |
andığını bildirdi.
Ertesi sabah hiç gecikmeden kayık edinmeye giriştim. Hemen bulduğum sandal Temple'ın ırmak kıyısındaki merdivenine, birkaç dakikada ulaşabileceğim bir yere getirilip bırakıldı. Kimi zaman Herbert'le, kimi zaman tek başıma, talim yaparmış gibi sık sık küreğe çıkar oldum. Soğuk, yağmur, tipi demeden çıkıyordum. Öyle ki ilk birkaç günden sonra, kimse benimle ilgilenmez oldu. Önceleri Blackfriars Köprüsü'nün yukarılarında geziniyordum. Gelgit saatleri değiştikçe Londra Köprüsü'ne doğru açılmaya başladım. O günlerde Eski Londra Köprüsü denirdi buraya. Gelgitin kimi saatlerinde sular hızlı akıntılarla anaforlar yaptığından ırmağın bu yöresi kötü bir üne sahipti. Neyse ki ben öbür kayıkçılara baka baka bu akıntıları aşmasını öğrenmiştim. Böylece, Pool'a yanaşıp kalkan gemilerin arasından kürek çekerek Erith'e doğru yönelir oldum.
Mill Pond Bank'ten ilk kez geçerken çifte kürekleri Herbert'le birlikte çekiyorduk. Hem gidişte, hem dönüşte cumbalı evin üst katındaki doğuya bakan pencerenin perdesinin indirildiğini gördük. Herbert haftada en azından üç kez oraya gidiyordu. Getirdiği haberlerin hiçbiri kaygı verecek nitelikte değildi. Gelgelelim ortada kaygıyı, telaşı gerektirecek bir durum olduğunu ben biliyordum ya. Hep gözetlenmekte olduğum duygusunu içimden söküp atamıyordum. Böyle bir kuşku içinize bir kez düşmeyegörsün, bir daha rahat dirlik bilmez olursunuz. Kaç zavallı masum kişinin, beni gözetliyorlar diye günahlarını aldığımı sorsanız, sayısını bilemem!
Kısacası içim, gizlenmekte olan o gözü kara adam adına hep korku doluydu. Herbert birkaç kez bana, akşam karanlığında pencere başında durup ırmaktan akan sulara bakmayı, bu sularla sulardaki her şeyin Clara'ya doğru aktığını düşünmeyi sevdiğini söylemişti. Gelgelelim ben, ırmağa baktıkça korkuyla, karamsarlıkla, suların Magwitch'e doğru aktıklarını, yüzeydeki herhangi bir kara noktanınsa sessizce, amansızca, hızla onu yakalamaya giden düşmanları olabileceğini düşünüyordum.
# 47
Duruma hiçbir değişiklik getirmeyen, olaysız birkaç hafta geçti. Wemmick'ten bir işaret bekliyorduk, ama o hiç ses etmiyordu. Öyle ki onu Little Britain s | -0.21906 | -1.563508 | -1.684957 | -1.258678 | [
-0.05093232712696791,
-0.3871876449461636
] | [
-1.4883011649172628,
-1.6387139657472791
] | [
-1.6595948175079545,
-1.7103196380156398
] | [
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] | 1,334,895 | 419,840 | Book | -1 | -1 |
ınırları dışında tanımamış, Kale'de candanlıkla el üstünde tutulmamış olsam dostluğundan kuşkuya bile düşebilirdim. Ne var ki ondan kuşkulanmak aklımın ucundan bile geçmedi.
Para durumlarım hiç de parlak değildi. Birkaç alacaklı ödeme yapmam için bastırmaya başlamışlardı. Dahası kendim de para (demek istediğim cepteki hazır para) sıkıntısı çeker olmuştum. Bunu gidermek için yüzüklerimle, iğnelerimden kolay satılabilecek olanları paraya çeviriyordum. Duygularımla tasarılarımın böyle sallantıda olduğu şu sürede velinimetimden başkaca para çekmenin taş yürekli bir dolandırıcılık sayılacağını düşünüyordum. Bu yüzden onun cüzdanını hiç açmadan Herbert'le geri yolladım. Kimliğini ortaya vurduğundan bu yana onun açık elliliğinden yararlanmamış olmak, içime (gerçek mi, yapmacık mı olduğunu bilemeyeceğim) bir rahatlık veriyordu.
Zaman geçtikçe içimde, Estella'nın evlenmiş olduğuna dair bir duygu kökleşmeye başlamıştı. Kesin bir inanca çok benziyordu bu duygu, gene de doğrulanmasından korktuğum için gazete okumaktan kaçınıyordum. Son görüşmemizi ayrıntıları ile anlatmış olduğum Herbert'e de, bana Estella'nın sözünü hiç açmasın diye yalvarmıştım. Rüzgârda paramparça savrulan bu zavallı umut paçavrasına sarınmakta niçin direniyordum? Ne bileyim! Bunu okuyan sizler, daha geçen yıl, geçen ay, geçen hafta, buna benzer bir tutarsızlık yapmadınız mı? Biliyor musunuz neden yaptığınızı?
Mutsuz bir yaşam sürüyordum artık. Hele sıradağlar arasındaki yüce bir doruk gibi bütün kaygılarıma egemen olan en büyük kaygım bir saniye bile gözümden gitmiyordu. Ne var ki içimde korku yaratacak yeni bir olay da yoktu. İstediğim kadar uykumdan, "Yakalandı," diye yüreğim ağzıma gelerek sıçrayayım; geceleyin Herbert eve döndüğü zaman istediğim kadar yatağımda doğrulup oturayım, "Acaba kötü haberin kanatlarıyla hızlandı da, her zamankinden daha mı acele yürüyor?" diye içim ezilerek kulak kesileyim... bütün bunlara, buna benzer daha bir sürü kaygıya karşın yaşantımızın gündelik akışı sürüp gidiyordu.
Kayıkla ırmağa açıldığım k | -0.268957 | -2.000421 | -1.555609 | -1.269083 | [
-0.38992699580416107,
-0.14798667197867693
] | [
-1.9180520244315955,
-2.0827898539120895
] | [
-1.4008982329187591,
-1.7103196380156398
] | [
-1.2261607767960485,
-1.3120059956483938
] | 1,024 | [
512,
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imi günlerde gelgit yüzünden Eski Londra Köprüsü'nün girdaptan yıpranmış kazık ve kemerleri arasından geçemiyordum; sonra tekneyi bizim merdivene çeksinler diye, gümrük binasının yakınındaki bir iskeleye bırakmak zorunda kalıyordum. Bunda bir sakınca görmüyordum çünkü bu yüzden ırmaktaki gemicilerle kayıkçılar, benimle ve teknemle daha çok haşır neşir oluyorlardı. Bu önemsiz durum, şimdi size anlatmak zorunda olduğum iki önemli karşılaşmaya yol açtı.
Şubat sonlarına doğru bir akşamüzeri ortalık kararırken iskeleye yanaştım. Sular çekilirken Greenwich'e kürek çekmiş, sonra suların kabarmasıyla birlikte dönmüştüm. Gündüz açık olan hava günbatımında sislenmiş olduğundan iskeleye yanaşırken çok dikkatli manevra yapmam gerekiyordu. Gidişte de, dönüşte de Provis'in penceresindeki işareti görmüştüm. İşler yolundaydı.
Rutubetli, soğuk bir gece olduğundan hemen yemek yiyerek içimi ısıtmayı tasarladım. Eve dönme saatinden önce de önümde sıkıntılı, yapayalnız saatler uzandığından, yemekten sonra tiyatroya giderim diye düşündüm. Mr. Wopsle'ın (bilmem ki, başarısını sürdürdüğü, diyebilir miyiz?) tiyatrosu ırmağın o yakasındaydı. (Şimdi yerinde yeller esiyor.) Ben de oraya gitmeye karar verdim.
Mr. Wopsle'ın dram sanatını canlandıracağı yerde bu sanatın gerilemesinde payı bulunduğunu bilmez değilim. Tiyatronun ilanları yoluyla onun sadık bir zenciyi ve maymunu canlandırdığını içim karararak öğrenmiştim. Herbert de onu, kan içici bir düzenbaz rolünde görmüş; pancar gibi kıpkırmızı yüzüyle her yanı çıngıraklarla kaplı acayip başlığı, gülünç halleri karşısında kahkahadan kırılmıştı.
Yemeğimi Herbert'le "Geographical Et Lokantası" adını verdiğimiz bir lokantada yedim. Buradaki masa örtülerinin her karışında yeryuvarının, şarap sürahilerinin dipleriyle çizilmiş halkaları, bıçakların her birinin üzerine salçayla çizilmiş kıyı şeritleri vardı. (Zaten bugün bile Londra Belediye sınırları içinde Geographical Et Lokantası denilemeyecek bir aşevine pek rastlayamazsınız ya!) Önümdeki zamanı ekmek kırıntılarının arasında uyuklayıp gaz lambaları | -0.418005 | -1.588576 | -1.522638 | -1.079183 | [
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nı süzerek, gelip geçen çorba kâselerinin buharlarıyla pişerek geçirdim. Sonra yavaş yavaş kendimi toparlayarak tiyatroya yollandım.
Sahnede, Majestelerinin Bahriyesi'nden bir lostromonun öyküsü oynanmaktaydı. Kendisi, (pantolonunun kimi yerleri pek dar, kimi yerleri de pek bol olmasa daha iyi olurduysa da) pırlanta gibi çocuktu doğrusu. Karşısına her çıkanın şapkasını gözünün üstüne devirmek gibi bir alışkanlığı olmakla birlikte güzel huylu, yürekli bir insandı. Bir de son derece yurtsever olmasına karşın, kimsenin vergi ödemesini nedense istemiyordu. Cebinde, bir kese para vardı. Bu paraya güvenerek büyük şenlikler arasında bir kızla evlendi. Düğünde Portmouth kentinin tüm ahalisi (son nüfus sayımına göre dokuz kişiydiler), deniz kıyısına üşüştüler, ellerini ovuşturup birbirleriyle tokalaşarak, "Doldur! Doldur!" diye tempo tuttular.
Ne var ki "doldurmak" dahil hiçbir denileni yapmayan karanlık yüzlü bir Alçak (bizim lostromo onun yüreğinin de yüzü gibi kapkara olduğunu açıkça söylüyordu), kendi gibi Alçak olan iki arkadaşına dünyadaki bütün insanların başını belaya sokmalarını önerdi. Bu öneri de (Alçak'ın ailesinin büyük siyasal nüfuz sahibi olması sayesinde) öyle başarıyla becerildi ki işleri yeniden düzene sokmak gecenin yarısını aldı. O zaman bile ancak ak başlıklı, kara tozluklu, kırmızı burunlu, şirin, iyi yürekli bir bakkalın çabalarıyla başarılabildi. Ufak tefek bakkal, elinde bir demir ızgara ile bir saatin içine saklanmış konuşulanları dinliyor, eğer beğenmezse saatten dışarı eğilerek konuşanı, kafasına arkadan ızgara ile vurup bayıltıyordu.
Derken, o zamana değin hiç görüp duymamış olduğumuz Mr. Wopsle, Amiral'in yüksek söz ve mevki sahibi bir adamı olduğunu belli eden nişanları, şeritleriyle ortaya çıkarak Alçakların hemen o saat zindana atılacaklarını, lostromoya da yaptığı kamu hizmetlerinin ufak bir karşılığı olarak Amirallik Flaması'nı getirdiğini bildirdi. O çelik sinirleri en sonunda biraz gevşeyen aslan lostromo yaşaran gözlerini saygılı bir tavırla flamaya sildi. Sonra neşesi yerine geldi ve "Devletlimiz!" diye çağırdığı Mr. Wopsle'ın elini sıkmak i | -0.279668 | -1.699595 | -1.619015 | -0.969926 | [
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] | 1,334,895 | 422,912 | Book | -1 | -1 |
çin izin istedi. Mr. Wopsle büyük gönüllü bir ağırbaşlılıkla elini uzatmıştı ki bütün "ahali" bir köy dansı oynamaya başlayınca kendini sahnenin tozlu bir köşesinde buldu. Bu sıkışık köşeden üzgün gözlerle seyircileri süzerken de beni seçti.
Sahneye konulan ikinci piyes en yeni Noel pantomimiydi. Piyesin ilk perdesinde, kırmızı yün çorap, kırmızı perde püskülünden yapılmış saçları, kocaman fosforlu yüzü ile bir madende dinamit patlatıcı olarak çalışan ve boğuk sesli, dev yapılı efendisi yemeğe geldiği zaman korkudan dizleri titreyen kişinin gerçekte Mr. Wopsle olmasından kuşkulanarak çok üzüldüm doğrusu.
Neyse ki dostumuz bir süre sonra daha sevimli bir kişiliğe bürünmüş olarak karşımıza çıktı. Bu perdede cahil, kaba bir çiftçinin öz kızına yaptığı kötülükler yüzünden bunalan Aşk Perisi'ne bir yardımcı gerekiyordu. Çiftçi Baba bir un çuvalına girerek birinci kat penceresinden kızının sevdiği gencin üstüne atlayacak kadar ileri gidince Aşk Perisi tumturaklı konuşan, hünerli bir Büyücü'yü yardıma çağırdı. Kafdağı'nın ardından biraz sendeleyerek çıkagelen (sarsıntılı bir yolculuk geçirmiş olsa gerekti), başında uzun, sivri tepeli bir külahı, kolunun altında da bir büyü kitabı bulunan Büyücü, meğer bizim Wopsle değil miymiş? Büyücümüzün yeryüzündeki başlıca işlevi, öylece durup çevresindekilerin konuşmalarına, türkülerine, oyunlarına, dürtüşlerine ve rengârenk alevler püskürtmelerine hedef olmak olduğundan, bol bol boş zamanı vardı. Bunu da benden yana büyük bir şaşkınlıkla gözünü dikip bakarak geçirdiğini fark etmek doğrusu tuhafıma gitti.
Mr. Wopsle'ın gözlerinin giderek donuklaşmasında öyle ilginç bir şey vardı, aklından geçirdiği binbir şey yüzünden kafası öyle karışmıştı ki bir türlü akıl erdiremiyordum. Büyücü kocaman bir saat kılıfı içinde gökyüzüne uçup gittikten çok sonra bile, ben hâlâ onun bu tuhaf tutumunu düşünüyor, buna hâlâ bir anlam veremiyordum.
Bir saat sonra tiyatrodan çıktığımda gene bu durumu düşünmekteydim ki Mr. Wopsle'ı kapı dibinde beni bekler buldum.
"Merhaba, nasılsınız?" diyerek elini s | -0.556343 | -1.803452 | -1.553073 | -1.322411 | [
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] | 1,334,895 | 423,936 | Book | -1 | -1 |
ıktım; yan yana yola koyulduk. "Salonda beni seçtiğinizi gördüm, Mr. Wopsle."
"Sizi mi, Mr. Pip? Elbet seçtim sizi. Ama ya ötekisi?"
"Hangi ötekisi?"
Mr. Wopsle gene gözleri dalıp giderek, "Çok tuhaf şey doğrusu ama kalıbımı basarım oydu," dedi.
Telaşa kapılarak, Mr. Wopsle'dan sözlerini açıklamasını rica ettim.
Mr. Wopsle hep o dalgınlıkla, "Siz olmasaydınız o adam gözüme çarpar mıydı bilmem," dedi. "Kesinlikle evet diyemezsem de sanırım evet, gene de gözüme çarpardı."
Elimde olmayarak eve girerken yaptığım gibi dönüp çevreme bakındım, çünkü Mr. Wopsle'ın bu bilmeceli sözleri içimi ürpertmişti.
Mr. Wopsle, "Yok, ortalıkta değildir artık," dedi. "Daha ben sahnedeyken çıkıp gitti. Gördüm onu."
Kuşkudan öylesine diken üstündeydim ki elimde olmayarak bu zavallı oyuncudan bile kuşkulanasım geldi. Ağzımdan laf almak için beni kapana kıstırmaya çalışıyor olabilirdi. Bu yüzden ona şöyle bir baktımsa da sesimi çıkarmadım.
"Mr. Pip, önce ikiniz birlikteymişsiniz gibi gülünç bir sanıya kapıldım. Sonra baktım, hortlaklar gibi arkanıza geçip oturmuştu ve siz onun farkında bile değildiniz."
İçimi gene bir ürpermedir aldı, ne var ki hiçbir şey söylememeye kararlıydım, çünkü oyuncu beni belki de sınıyor, bu sözleriyle Provis arasında bir bağlantı kurmamı sağlamak istiyordu. Tiyatrodaki adamın Provis olmadığını yüzde yüz kesinlikle biliyordum elbet.
"Şu halime şaşıyorsunuz sanırım, Mr. Pip. Şaştığınızı görebiliyorum daha doğrusu. Öyle şaşılası bir şey ki ama! Size anlatacaklarıma inanmak bile istemeyeceksiniz. Siz anlatsanız ben de inanmak istemezdim."
"Öyle mi?"
"Öyle ya! Mr. Pip, bilmem anımsıyor musunuz, çok eskiden, siz daha küçücük bir çocukken bir Noel akşamı Gargery'lerde yemek yiyorduk. Kapıya askerler geldilerdi de getirdikleri bir kelepçeyi onartmak istedilerdi hani?"
"Hem de bugünmüş gibi aklımda."
"Hani iki cezaevi mahkûmunu arıyorlardı, biz de katıldıydık onlara; Gargery seni omzuna aldıydı, ben önden gidiyordum, siz de bana yetişmeye çalışıyordun | -0.340704 | -1.950283 | -1.621551 | -1.417361 | [
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] | 1,334,895 | 424,960 | Book | -1 | -1 |
uz elinizden geldiğince?"
"Hepsini çok iyi anımsıyorum."
En son söylediklerinin dışında her şeyi onun sandığından çok daha iyi anımsıyordum hem de!
"Öyleyse bu iki mahkûma bir hendekte rastladığımız da aklınızdadır, değil mi? Aralarında bir boğuşma olduydu da birisi öbürkünün yüzünü paramparça ettiydi hani?"
"Şimdi bile görür gibi oluyorum."
"Askerler meşaleler yakıp iki mahkûmu ortaya almışlardı. Biz de onlarla birlikte, o kapkara bataklığın üstünden zindan gemisine gittik. Meşalelerin ışığı kaçakların yüzüne vurmuştu. Bunu hele özellikle anımsıyorum: Meşalelerin ışığı yüzlerine vurmuştu, oysa bunun dışında çepeçevre gecenin karanlığı ile kuşatılmış durumdaydık."
"Evet," dedim. "Ben de anımsıyorum bunların hepsini."
"Mr. Pip, işte bu iki kaçaktan biri bu gece sizin arkanızda oturuyordu. Omzunuzun üstünden gördüm."
İçimden kendi kendime, "Yavaş!" dedim. Sonra Mr. Wopsle'a, "Kaçaklardan hangisini gördüğünüzü sanıyorsunuz?" diye sordum.
Oyuncu hemen, "Dayağı yiyip yüzü paralananı," diye yanıtladı. "Gördüğümün o olduğuna yemin bile edebilirim! Düşündükçe inancım daha da kesinleşiyor."
Elimden geldiğince, hiç önemsemiyormuş numarası yaparak, "Çok tuhaf doğrusu," dedim. "Çok tuhaf bir şey."
Bu konuşma içimdeki tedirginliği nasıl bin kat daha artırdı, Compeyson'un "hortlak gibi" ense kökümde oturmuş olduğunu düşündükçe nasıl anlatılmaz bir dehşete kapıldım... ne denli üstünde dursam azdır! Öyle ya, kaçağımı gizlediğimden bu yana Compeyson'u eğer birkaç dakikacık unutabilmişsem bu gece tiyatroda, yani onun bana en yakın olduğu sırada unutabilmiştim. Bunca zamandır gösterdiğim dikkatten sonra böylesi bir dalgınlık yaparak gafil avlandığımı düşünmek kanımı donduruyordu. Compeyson'u uzakta tutmak için araya yüz tane kapı çekip yüz tanesini de kapadıktan sonra onu dirseğimin dibinde buluvermiştim sanki... Onun oraya salt benim peşimden gelmiş olması kuşku kaldırmazdı; gözle görünür bölümü ne denli küçük olursa olsun tehlikenin ayakta olduğu, çevremizde sürekli gezdiği de öyle.
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kamdaki adamla ilgili birkaç soru sordum. Adam ne zaman girmişti salona? Mr. Wopsle bunu bilemiyordu. Beni görmüştü, sonra da omzumun üstünden öteki adamı görmüştü. Gördüğünden bir süre sonra çıkartmıştı onun kim olduğunu. Gene de onun benimle, köydeki çocukluk çağımla bir bağlantısı olduğunu, başlangıçtan beri hayal meyal sezmişti... Giyimi nasıldı bu adamın? Düzgün, pahalı ama gösterişsizmiş. Wopsle onun siyahlar giymiş olduğunu sanıyordu... Yüzünde yara izine benzer bir şey var mıydı? Yok, Wopsle yara izi olduğunu sanmıyordu. Ben de sanmıyordum. Gerçi sıkıntılı, dalgın olduğumdan çevremdekilerle ilgilenmemiştim, gene de öyle yara bere izli birini görmüş olsam büyük bir olasılıkla dikkatimi çekerdi.
Mr. Wopsle benim sorduklarımın hepsini yanıtlayıp kendi gördüklerinin de hepsini anlattıktan sonra gecenin yorgunluğunu alacak bir şeyler ısmarladım ona. Daha sonra ayrıldık. Gece yarısıyla sabahın biri arasında Temple'a vardım. Avlu kapıları kapalıydı. İçeri girip evime girerken çevrede kimsecikler görmedim.
Herbert benden önce gelmişti. Ateş başında çok ciddi bir konuşma yaptık. O gece olup bitenleri Wemmick'e anlatmaktan, kendisinin işaretini beklediğimizi bildirmekten başka elimden gelen hiçbir şey olmadığı sonucuna vardık. Kale'ye pek sık gidersem Wemmick'in üstüne kuşku çekebileceğimi düşünerek ona mektup yazdım. Yatmadan önce hemen yazdım mektubu, çıkıp hemen postaladım. Çevrede gene kimsecikler görmedim. Herbert de, ben de çok dikkatli olmak dışında hiçbir şey yapamayacağımız kanısında birleşiyorduk.
Gerçekten de dikkatte hiç kusur etmiyorduk; eskisine oranla bin kat daha dikkatliydik. Hele ben, küreğe çıkmadığım zamanlar Chinks's Basin'in semtine uğramıyor, kayıkla oradan geçerken de Mill Pond Bank kıyılarına hiçbir özel ilgi göstermiyordum.
# 48
Geçen bölümde değindiğim karşılaşmalardan ikincisi, birincisinin hemen ardından geldi. Teknemi gene köprünün altındaki iskeleye bırakmıştım. Daha erken bir ikindi saatiydi. Yemeği nerede yiyeceğimi bilemeyerek dolaşırken Cheapside'a saptım; ağır ağır yürümeye koyuldum. Bu cıvıl cı | -0.539222 | -1.653039 | -1.646914 | -1.259979 | [
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] | 1,334,895 | 427,008 | Book | -1 | -1 |
vıl anayoldan gelip geçmekte olan insanların en kararsızı, hiç kuşkusuz şu sırada bendim. Derken birisi arkamdan yetişerek kocaman eliyle omzumu kavradı. Mr. Jaggers'dı bu. Koluma girdi.
"Ey, Pip. Aynı yönde gittiğimize göre birlikte yürüyebiliriz. Nereye böyle?"
"Temple'a sanırım," dedim.
"Bilmiyor musun?" diye sordu Mr. Jaggers.
Hiç değilse bu sorgulamada altta kalmayacağıma sevinerek, "Gerçekten bilmiyorum, çünkü daha kararımı vermedim," diye yanıtladım.
Mr. Jaggers, "Yemek yiyeceksin değil mi?" diye sordu. "Hiç değilse bunu itiraf etmekten çekinmezsin sanıyorum."
"Yok, çekinmem," dedim.
"Verilmiş bir sözün olmadığını itiraf etmekten de çekinmezsin, değil mi?"
"Verilmiş bir sözüm olmadığını itiraf etmekten de çekinmem."
"Öyleyse," dedi Mr. Jaggers. "Gel akşam yemeğini birlikte yiyelim."
Gitmemek için bir özür ileri sürmek üzereydim ki vasim, "Wemmick de geliyor," dedi.
Bunun üzerine özrümü hemen kabule dönüştürdüm. (Söylemiş olduğum ilk birkaç sözcük iki yana da çekilebilirdi). Böylece Cheapside'dan geçip Little Britain'e saptık. Dükkân vitrinlerindeki parlak ışıklar birer birer yanmaya başlamıştı. Akşamüzerinin civcivli kalabalığında, merdivenlerini koyacak yer bulmakta güçlük çeken sokak fenercileri vızır vızır oraya buraya, bir aşağıya, bir yukarıya koşuşarak gitgide koyulaşan sisin içinde kızıl ışıktan gözler açmaktaydılar. Hummums'daki gece lambasının o heyula duvarda açtığı beyaz ışık gözleri gibi, ama daha çok sayıda.
Little Britain'deki yazıhanede her zamanki gibi iş gününü sona erdiren mektup yazma, el yıkama, şamdan söndürme, kasa kilitleme törenleri yapıldı. Ben, işim olmadığından, Mr. Jaggers'ın ocağının başında bekliyordum. Alevlerin dalgalı ışığında, raftaki o iki maske benimle şeytansıl bir "ce-e" oyunu oynarmış gibi gözüküyorlardı. Jaggers'ın her zaman yazı yazdığı köşeyi sönük ışıklarıyla aydınlatan iki ucuz, şişman mum da kirli, kefenimsi bezlerle süslenmişti. Darağacına giden müvekkilleri anımsatmak istercesine...
Üçümüz birlikte kiralık bir arab | -0.400542 | -1.721083 | -1.613942 | -1.284692 | [
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] | 1,334,895 | 428,032 | Book | -1 | -1 |
aya atlayıp Gerrard Sokağı'na gittik. Jaggers'ın evine varır varmaz sofraya oturduk. Wemmick'in Walworth kişiliğine bu evde en ufak bir bakışla bile değinmek gerçi aklımın ucundan geçmezdi. Gerçi arada bir onunla göz göze gelip gülümsemeye bir diyeceğim yoktu, ama bunu taş çatlasa başaramıyordum. Wemmick bakışlarını ne zaman sofradan kaldırsa Jaggers'a çeviriyor, bana karşıysa öyle soğuk, öyle yabancı duruyordu ki Wemmick'in bir ikiz kardeşi varmış, şimdi burada olan da "öteki ikiz"miş sanırdınız.
Yemeğe oturduktan az sonra Mr. Jaggers, "Wemmick, Miss Havisham'ın o mektubunu Mr. Pip'e yolladınız mı?" diye sordu.
Wemmick, "Hayır efendim," diye yanıtladı. "Postalayacaktım ama Mr. Pip sizinle birlikte yazıhaneye gelince mektubu yanıma aldım. Buyurun," diyerek Wemmick mektubu bana değil de, patronuna uzattı.
Mr. Jaggers da mektubu bana vererek, "İki satır bir şey," dedi. "Miss Havisham senin adresini kesinlikle bilmediğinden bana yollamış. Diyor ki, geçen gittiğinde kendisine açtığın ufak bir iş konusunda seni görmek istiyormuş. Gidecek misin?"
Gözlerimi mektupta (tıpkı Jaggers'ın anlattığı gibiydi), dolaştırarak, "Evet!" dedim.
"Ne zaman gitmeyi düşünüyorsun?"
"Görülecek bir işim var," diyerek, yüzündeki posta kutusuna balık sokuşturmakta olan Wemmick'ten yana bir bakış fırlattım. "Bu yüzden kesin zaman veremeyeceğim. Ama hemen gidebilirim sanıyorum."
Wemmick, Mr. Jaggers'a dönerek, "Mr. Pip hemen gitmek niyetindeyseler bu mektuba karşılık vermeseler de olur," dedi.
Bu sözlerden çıkardığım anlama göre Wemmick hemen gitmemi uygun buluyordu. Ben de düşünüp taşınıyormuş gibi yaparak ertesi gün gitmeyi kararlaştırdım; bunu da vasime bildirdim. Wemmick bir bardak şarap içti, sonra ağırbaşlı, çatık kaşlı bir hoşnutlukla bana değil, Mr. Jaggers'a baktı.
Jaggers, "Eee Pip," dedi. "Dostumuz Örümcek, elindeki kartları oynadı. Oyunu da kazandı."
Tüm irade gücümü kullanarak, "Evet," diyebildim.
"Yaa," dedi Mr. Jaggers. "Geleceği parlak bir çocuk, kimi yönlerden. Ne var ki işler her zaman onun istediği gibi gelişmeyebilir. Oyunun bundan son | -0.405678 | -1.678108 | -1.62916 | -1.179336 | [
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rasını daha güçlü olan kazanacaktır. Yalnız, önce kimin daha güçlü olduğunun anlaşılması gerekiyor. Bizimki tutar karısını dövmeye kalkışırsa..."
Yüzüm de, yüreğim gibi cayır cayır yanarak, "Ama Mr. Jaggers," diye onun sözünü kestim. "Onun böyle bir alçaklık yapabileceğini ciddi olarak düşünmüyorsunuz ya?"
"Düşünüyorum demedim ki. Bir varsayım ileri sürüyorum ben. Tutar karısını döverse güç dengesinin ağırlığı kendisinden yana kayabilir. Beri yandan akıl ve kafanın söz konusu olduğu bir durumda denge tersine döner. Böyle bir adamın da böyle bir durumda nasıl tepki vereceği kesin olarak kestirilemez; önündeki iki yoldan herhangi birine sapma olasılığı birbirine eşittir çünkü."
"Sorabilir miyim, bu yollar nedir?"
Mr. Jaggers, "Dostumuz Örümcek gibileri ya döverler, ya sinerler," diye yanıtladı. "Sindiği zaman hırlayabilir de; hırlamayabilir de. Ama ya dövecek ya sinecektir, bu kesin. Wemmick'e sorsana, o ne düşünüyor bu konuda?"
Wemmick benden yana hiç bakmayarak, "Ya döverler, ya sinerler," dedi.
Mr. Jaggers önündeki döner büfeden bir şişe nadide şarap alıp hepimizin bardaklarını doldurarak, "Haydi öyleyse, Mrs. Bentley Drummle'a içelim," dedi. "Umarım bu oyunda o üstün çıkar. Asla ikisi birden üstün çıkamayacaklarına göre... Ah, Molly, Molly, Molly, ne kadar yavaşsın bugün!"
Mr. Jaggers, Molly'ye çıkışırken, kadın onun yanı başında sofraya tabak koyuyordu. Tabağı bırakıp telaşla özür dileyerek bir-iki adım geri çekildi. O konuşurken parmaklarını tuhaf bir biçimde oynatması dikkatimi çekti.
Mr. Jaggers, "Ne oldu?" diye sordu.
"Hiçbir şey. Sadece az önce konuştuğumuz konu beni epey sarstı," dedim.
Kadının parmaklarını, örgü örer gibi bir oynatışı vardı. Durmuş, efendisine bakıyordu; gitsin miydi, yoksa efendisinin ona daha diyecekleri vardı da giderse geri mi çağrılırdı, bilemiyordu. Olacak şey değil ama evet, evet; tıpkı buna benzer elleri, buna benzer gözleri, çok yakın bir geçmişte, hem de unutamayacağım bir yerde görmüş değil miydim?
Jaggers izin verince kadın sürünürcesine dış | -0.237037 | -1.724664 | -1.502348 | -1.276887 | [
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arı çıktı. Gelgelelim ben onu açık seçik görür gibiydim, hâlâ odanın içindeymişçesine. O elleri, o gözleri, o uzun, dalga dalga saçları hâlâ görüyor, tanıdığım başka birinin gözleri, saçlarıyla karşılaştırıyordum: Onlar da yirmi yıl boyunca, canavar bir kocanın kahrını çekip fırtınalı bir yaşam sürseler neye benzerlerdi ki, diye gözümde canlandırmaya çalışıyordum. Gene kâhya kadının elleriyle gözlerini düşündüm; o yıkık bahçede, o eski bira fabrikasında, en son (yanımda birisiyle) gezindiğim zaman üstüme çöken o anlaşılmaz duyguları anımsadım. Başka bir gün posta arabasının penceresinden bana bakan bir yüz, bana sallanan bir el gördüğüm zaman da aynı duygulara kapıldığımı; bir akşam (yanımda birisiyle) bir paytona binmiş, karanlık bir sokaktan geçerken, birden üstümüze parlak bir lamba ışığı vurunca, bu duygunun yüreğimde şimşek gibi çaktığını anımsadım. Çağrışım zincirinin tek bir halkası tiyatrodaki o kişiyi tanımamı sağlamıştı. Şimdi de, bir anlık garip bir rastlantı sonucunda düşüncelerim Estella'nın adından o örgü örercesine oynayan parmaklara, o dikkat dolu gözlere kayıverince, kafamda önceden noksan olan böyle bir çağrışım halkası örülmüştü. Ve ben şu dakikada bu kadının, Estella'nın annesi olduğundan tamamıyla emindim.
Mr. Jaggers beni Estella ile görmüştü; zaten saklamaya hiç kalkışmadığım duygularımı anlamamış olamazdı. Konunun beni üzdüğünü söylediğim zaman şöyle bir sırtıma vurdu, şaraplarımızı tazeledi, sonra gene yemeğine döndü.
Kâhya kadın bundan sonra odaya yalnızca iki kez daha geldi, ikisinde de çok az kaldı. Jaggers ona çok sert davranıyordu. Ama kadının elleri Estella'nın elleriydi işte; gözleri Estella'nın gözleriydi. Karşıma yüz kere daha çıksa, bu kanımın doğruluğuna olan inancım ne artar, ne de eksilirdi.
Sıkıntılı bir akşam geçirdik. Sıra kendine gelince Wemmick şarabını, ay sonunda maaşını alırcasına alıyordu. Gözlerini patronuna dikmiş otururken hep, sorguya çekilmeye hazırlanır gibi bir duruşu vardı. Bana karşı da hep, "öteki ikiz" gibi dav | -0.606336 | -1.907308 | -1.743291 | -1.18714 | [
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] | 1,334,895 | 431,104 | Book | -1 | -1 |
ranıyor, Walworth'lu Wemmick'e yalnızca dış görünüşüyle benziyordu.
Ev sahibimizden izin isteyerek oradan birlikte ayrıldık. Mr. Jaggers'ın çizmeleri arasında şapkalarımızı ararken, "bizim ikiz"in dönüş yolunda olduğunu sezdim. Nitekim Gerrard Sokağı'na çıkıp Walworth yönünde daha on-on beş metre yol almamıştık ki bir de baktım, "öteki ikiz" buharlaşıp havaya uçmuş, ben de "bizim ikiz"le kol kola yürümekteyim...
"Oh," dedi Wemmick. "Bunu da atlattık! Bizim patron üstün bir insandır; bir eşi daha yoktur. Gelgelelim onunla yemek yerken kendimi çok kasarım. Oysa kasılmadan yediğim yemekler daha içime siner."
Bu sözleriyle durumu çok iyi özetlediğini ona söyledim.
"Sizden başkasına söylemem bunları," dedi. "Ne var ki sizinle konuştuğumuz şeylerin aramızda kaldığını biliyorum."
Wemmick'e, Miss Havisham'ın manevi kızı olan Mrs. Bentley Drummle'ı hiç görüp görmediğini sordum.
"Görmedim," dedi.
Damdan düşercesine konuya girmemek için lafı önce ihtiyarla Miss Skiffins'e getirdim. Miss Skiffins'in sözü geçince gözlerinde hinoğlu hin bir bakış beliren Wemmick yolun orta yerinde durarak mendilini çıkarıp sümkürdü. Öyle cakalı bir boyun kırışı vardı ki gizli bir böbürlenmeyle dolu gibiydi.
"Wemmick," dedim. "Mr. Jaggers'ın evine ilk gidişimizde, kâhya kadına dikkat etmemi söylemiştiniz; aklınızda mı?"
"Öyle mi söylemiştim?" dedi Wemmick. "Söylemiş olabilirim." Sonra ters ters, "Tanrı cezasını versin," diye ekledi. "Henüz tam olarak gevşeyemedim."
"Evcilleşmiş bir yabanıl canavar, demiştiniz ona."
"Ya siz ne diyorsunuz Mr. Pip?"
"Aynı şeyi. Mr. Jaggers onu nasıl evcilleştirebilmiş, Wemmick?"
"Patronun sırrı bu. Kadın uzun yıllardır onun yanında."
"Bu kadının geçmişini anlatsanıza bana. Özel bir ilgi duyuyorum bu konuya. Konuştuklarımız aramızda kalır, biliyorsunuz."
Wemmick, "Kadının geçmişini ben bilmiyorum," dedi. "Demek istediğim, hepsini bilmiyorum. Ama bildiklerimi size anlatayım. Burada özel kişiliklerimizle bulunduğumuzu biliyorsunuz tabii."
"Tabii ki."
"Aşağı yukarı yirmi yıl ön | -0.243629 | -1.610064 | -1.449087 | -1.102596 | [
-0.17882577030972713,
-0.30843130777873484
] | [
-1.4381635646405908,
-1.7819642522520567
] | [
-1.3298834842079996,
-1.5682901405941208
] | [
-1.1299100768706918,
-1.0752813012373812
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ce bu kadın Old Bailey'de cinayet suçuyla yargılanmış, sonra beraat etmiş. Çok alımlı bir kadınmış. Kanında biraz çingenelik de mi varmış ne? Her neyse, kanı tutuştu mu gözü dünyayı görmezmiş, anlayabileceğiniz üzere."
"Beraat etmiş ya?"
"Onu Mr. Jaggers savunuyormuş," dedi Wemmick anlamlı bir bakışla. "Şaşılası bir biçimde yürütmüş davayı. Durum umutsuzmuş, Mr. Jaggers da mesleğinde yeni sayılırmış o zamanlar. Savunması herkesi hayran bırakmış. Ününü bu davaya borçlu olduğunu bile söyleyebiliriz... Öldürülen kişi de bir kadınmış; Molly'den en az on yaş daha büyük, çok daha iriyarı, çok daha güçlüymüş. Sorun, kıskançlık sorunuymuş. Başıboş sokak kadınıymışlar ikisi de. Bizim Molly çok genç bir kızken ipsiz sapsız adamın biriyle evlenmiş. Kıskançlığı tutunca ifrit kesilirmiş. Öldürülen kadın, özellikle yaş yönünden Molly'nin kocasına daha uygunmuş doğrusu... Derken Hounslow Heath yakınlarında bir samanlıkta ölüsü bulunmuş. Burada yaman bir boğuşma geçtiği belliymiş; belki de bir dövüş. Kadının cesedi yara bere, çizikler, çürükler içindeymiş. Sonunda boğazı sıkılarak öldürülmüş. Molly'nin dışında herhangi bir kişiyi suçlu gösterecek dişe gelir bir kanıt yokmuş. Mr. Jaggers davasını Molly'nin öteki kadını öldürebilecek güçte olmadığı savı üzerine kurmuş." Wemmick hafifçe kol yenime dokunarak, "Gerçi şimdi arada kadının bilek gücünden söz eder ama," dedi. "O zaman bu noktanın üzerinde hiç durmadığına kalıbımızı basabiliriz."
O ilk yemekli toplantıda Jaggers'ın bize Molly'nin bileklerini gösterdiğini Wemmick'e anlatmıştım.
"Sonra, efendim," diye Wemmick konuşmasını sürdürdü. "Tutuklandıktan sonra bu kadın, her ne hikmetse... anlıyorsunuz değil mi, her ne hikmetse öyle kurnazcasına, öyle ustalıkla giyinmeye başlamış ki gerçek kalıbından bile daha ufak tefek durur olmuş. Yarası beresi azmış; başıboş gezen bir sokak kadınında dikkati bile çekmeyecek hafif bereler. Yalnızca ellerinin üzeri şahrem şahrem çizik içindeymiş. Sorun da bunların tırnak izi olup olmamasıymış.... Bizim Mr. Jaggers Molly'nin o günlerde çok dikenlik | -0.353973 | -1.660202 | -1.520102 | -1.051869 | [
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] | 1,334,895 | 433,152 | Book | -1 | -1 |
bir yerden geçmek zorunda kaldığını ileri sürmüş. Dikenli çalılar yüzünü çizecek yükseklikte değilse de Molly'nin bunları elleriyle ayırmaksızın geçebilme olanağı yokmuş. Kadının derisine batan dikenler çıkartılıp kanıt olarak gösterilmiş. O çalılık yerden de, birinin dalları kıra kıra geçtiği ispatlanmış. Çalılarda Molly' nin entarisinin parçaları, yer yer kan lekeleri bulunmuş. Ama Mr. Jaggers'ın en etkin savunması şu olmuş: Karşı taraf Molly'nin kıskançlığına kanıt olarak, onun o sıralarda kocasından öç almak için ondan olma yavrusunu çılgınca yok ettiğini ileri sürüyormuş. Çocuk üç yaşlarındaymış, cinayet sırasında. Mr. Jaggers bu savı da şöyle çürütmüş: Demiş ki: 'Biz bunların tırnak değil, diken yarası olduğunu ileri sürüyor, size dikenleri de gösteriyoruz. Sizse bunların tırnak yarası olduğunu söylüyor, bu arada bu kadının çocuğunu öldürdüğünü de ileri sürüyorsunuz. Bu suçlamanın tüm sonuçlarını benimsemek zorundasınız. Evet, bilemeyiz, belki kadın çocuğun gerçekten canına kıydı, çocuk da çırpınırken anasının ellerini tırnaklayıp çizdi. Şimdi ne olacak peki? Siz bu kadını çocuğunu ortadan kaldırmak suçuyla yargılamıyorsunuz ki! Neden yapmıyorsunuz bunu peki? Bu davaya gelince, eğer çizikler (tırmık izleri) üzerinde duracaksanız, bunları iddianızı güçlendirmek için sizin uydurmadığınızı varsayarak bir açıklama yapmanızı bekleriz,' diye Mr. Jaggers onların üstüne üstüne gitmiş... Kısacası Mr. Pip, bizim Mr. Jaggers çok ağır basmış jüri üyelerinin karşısında. Onlar da dayanamayıp pes etmişler."
"Kadın da o gün bugün Mr. Jaggers'ın yanında çalışıyor öyle mi?"
"Öyle ama hepsi bu kadar da değil. Molly daha ilk serbest bırakıldığı gün, Jaggers'ın hizmetine ilk girdiği zaman da tıpkı şimdiki gibi evcilleşmiş durumdaymış. O günden bu yana hizmet etmesini iyice öğrenmiş. Ama evcilleşmesi bu evde olmamış. Evcilleşmiş olarak gelmiş buraya."
"Çocuğu kız mıymış, oğlan mıymış? Bilginiz var mı?"
"Kızmış, dedilerdi."
"Bu gece bana başkaca bir di | -0.687147 | -2.089952 | -1.603798 | -1.449879 | [
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] | 1,334,895 | 434,176 | Book | -1 | -1 |
yeceğiniz yok mu?"
"Hiçbir şey. Mektubunuzu aldım. Okuyup yırttım. Hiçbir diyeceğim yok."
Birbirimize candan iyi geceler diledik. Ben, biraz rahatlamak şöyle dursun, içimdeki eski tasalara yenileri eklenmiş olarak eve döndüm.
# 49
Ertesi gün posta arabasıyla gene Satis Köşkü'ne gittim. Ne olur ne olmaz, aklına eser de benim böyle sık sık gelmemi şaşkınlıkla karşılar diye Miss Havisham'ın mektubunu da cebime attım. Halfway Hanı'nda arabadan inip kahvaltımı ettim; yolun ondan ötesini de yürüdüm, çünkü kasabaya tenha yollardan, kimseye görünmeksizin girmek, gene öyle geri dönmek istiyordum.
High Sokağı'nın arkasındaki sessiz yoldan, adımlarım yankılar çıkararak geçtiğim sırada günün ışığı dönmüştü. Bir zamanlar bir manastırın hücreleriyle bahçeleri olan, şimdi ise sağlam kalmış duvarlarının kovuklarında ufak dükkânlarla ahırlar barınan harabe, artık mezarlarında dinlenen o eski keşişler kadar sessizdi. Kimseye görünmemeye çalışarak ilerlerken katedral çanının sesi her zamankinden daha hüzünlü, daha uzak geldi kulağıma. Öyle ki katedraldeki eski orgun taşıp kabaran müziğini cenaze müziğine benzettim; kurşun rengindeki kulenin çevresinde dönüp dolanan, avludaki ulu ağaçların çıplak dallarına konup kalkan kargalarsa bana seslenerek bu yerlerin artık değiştiğini, Estella'nın geri dönmemecesine gittiğini söyler gibiydiler...
Bahçe kapısını, daha önceden de görmüş olduğum yaşlı bir kadın açtı, arka avlunun ötesindeki ek yapıda oturan hizmetçilerden biriydi. İçerideki karanlık sofada gene bir şamdan yanmaktaydı; eskisi gibi. Bunu elime alıp merdiveni tek başıma çıktım. Miss Havisham yatak odasında değil, sahanlığın karşısındaki büyük odadaydı. Kapıyı tıklatmam karşılıksız kalınca aralayıp baktım; Onun eski püskü bir koltukta oturmakta olduğunu gördüm. Küllenmeye yüz tutan ateşe gözlerini dikerek sokulmuş, derin düşüncelere dalıp gitmiş gibiydi.
Çok zaman yaptığım üzere içeri girdim; ocağın kenarına, başını kaldırınca beni görebileceği biçimde yaslanıp durdum. Üzerinde öylesine bir yapayalnızlık vardı ki, bana | -0.175402 | -1.864333 | -1.66974 | -1.183889 | [
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] | 1,334,895 | 435,200 | Book | -1 | -1 |
yaptığından çok daha büyük bir kötülüğü kasıtla yapmış olduğunu bilsem bile ona gene acırdım, hem de içim burkularak.
Orada durmuş, yüreğim acımayla dolup taşarak kendimin de nasıl zamanla bu evin karanlık yazgısından bir parça olup çıktığımı düşünüyordum ki Miss Havisham gözlerini bana dikti. Uzun uzun baktı, sonra, "Gerçek mi bu?" dedi yavaşça.
"Benim; Pip. Mr. Jaggers mektubunuzu dün verdi, oyalanmadan geldim."
"Tanrı senden razı olsun..."
O partal koltuklardan birini ateş başına çekip oturduğum sırada Miss Havisham'ın bakışlarında yepyeni bir şey gördüm: Sanki benden korkuyordu.
"Pip; son gelişinde bana açtığın konu üzerinde biraz daha konuşmak istiyorum; taştan yapılmadığımı göresin istiyorum. Gene de, kim bilir, benim yüreğimde insancıl bir duygunun bulunabileceğine belki de inanmazsın artık."
Bunu yadsıyan, avutucu bir şeyler mırıldandım. Kadın titreyen sağ elini bana dokunacakmışçasına uzattı, ama ben daha onun ne yapacağını, benim ne yapmam gerektiğini kestiremeden geri çekti.
"Arkadaşını anlatırken bana yararlı bir iş, bir iyilik yapmamın yolunu gösterebileceğini söylemiştin. Bu işin yapılmasını sen de istiyorsun, değil mi?"
"Çok, hem de pek çok istiyorum, efendim."
"Nedir bu iş?"
Miss Havisham'a, Herbert için sağladığım ortaklığın gizli tarihçesini anlattım. Ne var ki bir süre sonra, anlattıklarımı can kulağıyla dinleyeceği yerde dikkatle beni süzmekte olduğunu bakışlarından anladım. Yanılmamışım, çünkü sözümü bitirip sustuğumu neden sonra algıladı.
O zaman gene deminki gibi benden korkuyormuşçasına, "Neden yarıda kestin sözünü?" diye sordu. "Konuşamayacak kadar tiksindiğin için mi benden?"
"Yok, yok! Miss Havisham, nasıl düşünebilirsiniz böyle bir şeyi? Sustum, çünkü anlattıklarımı dinlemiyordunuz."
Miss Havisham elini başına bastırarak, "Olabilir," dedi. "Baştan başla; ben de başka yere bakayım. Sen orada kal. Hadi, şimdi anlat gene."
Zaman zaman üstüne çöken kararlı tutumuyla elini bastonuna dayadı, gözlerini ateşe dikti. Beni dinlemek için kendini zorladığı anlaşılıyordu. Öykümü yeni ba | 0.057957 | -1.864333 | -1.294376 | -1.09219 | [
0.08535037805840875,
0.03056336089845834
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-1.7891267665772956,
-1.9395395674073121
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] | 1,334,895 | 436,224 | Book | -1 | -1 |
ştan ele aldım; bu ortaklık işini düzenlediğim zaman nasıl kendi olanaklarımla bir sonuca bağlamayı umduğumu, gelgelelim bu umudun boşa çıktığını anlattım. Konunun bu bölümünü açıklayamayacağımı, çünkü bir başkasının çok önemli sırlarıyla ilgili olduğunu yeniden belirttim.
Miss Havisham bana bakmadan başını eğerek, "Tamam," dedi. "Bu alışverişi sonuca bağlamak için kaç para gerekiyor?"
Gözüme çok gözüktüğü için paranın tutarını söylemezden önce duraksadım. "Dokuz yüz pound."
"Sana bu iş için para verirsem, kendi yaptığını gizli tuttuğun gibi benimkini de tutar mısın?"
"Hiç kuşkunuz olmasın."
"İçin çok mu rahat edecek bu iş olursa?"
"Hem de pek çok."
"Çok mutsuz musun şu sıralarda?"
Bu soruyu, hâlâ benden yana bakmaksızın ama hiç alışık olmadığım bir yumuşaklıkla sormuştu. Yanıtlayamadım bir an; konuşamadım. Miss Havisham kolunu bastonunun tepesine, alnını da usulca koluna dayadı.
"Miss Havisham, mutlu olmaktan çok uzağım. Ama sizin bildiklerinizin dışında bambaşka kaygılarım var. O sözünü ettiğim sırlarla ilgili bunlar."
Kısa bir süre sonra Miss Havisham başını gene doğrulttu, gözlerini ateşe çevirdi.
"Başka nedenlerden ötürü de mutsuzluk çektiğini söylemekle büyüklük gösteriyorsun, Pip. Doğru mu bu sözlerin?"
"Yazık ki doğru."
"Sana yapabileceğim tek yardım, arkadaşına yapılacak yardım mı? Pip, senin kendin için hiçbir şey yapamaz mıyım?"
"Hiçbir şey. Bu soruyu sorduğunuz için size teşekkür ederim. Hele soruşunuzdaki incelikten ötürü daha da minnettarım. Ama hiçbir şey yok."
Biraz sonra, Miss Havisham oturduğu yerden kalktı; o perişan odada kalem, kâğıt aranmaya başladı. Odada böyle şeyler yoktu. Kadın bunun üzerine cebinden, küflü altınla çerçevelenmiş küçük, sarı fildişi kartlar çıkardı; boynunda asılı duran küflü altın kalemle bunların üstüne bir şeyler yazdı.
"Mr. Jaggers'la aran hâlâ iyi mi?"
"Çok. Daha dün akşam yemeği onunla yedim."
"Bu istediğin parayı sana vermesi için ona yazdım; arkadaşına sağlamak istediğ | 0.012415 | -1.803452 | -1.355246 | -1.080484 | [
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in para hiç koşulsuz sana ödenecek. Ben evimde para bulundurmam. Gene de, Mr. Jaggers'ın bilmesini istemiyorsan, parayı sana doğrudan ulaştırabilirim."
"Sağ olun. Parayı Mr. Jaggers'dan almamın hiçbir sakıncası yok, Miss Havisham."
Miss Havisham yazmış olduklarını bana okudu. Parayı kendi çıkarım için istemediğimi açıkça ve kesinlikle belirtecek biçimde yazmıştı. Fildişi kartı ondan aldığım sırada eli gene titredi; ucu kalemli zinciri çıkarıp benim elime verirken parmakları daha da titriyordu. Ve bütün bunları yaparken benden yana hiç bakmıyordu.
"İlk kartın üstünde adım yazılı. Bunun üstüne bir gün gelip... çok sonraları, benim şu kırık yüreğim toprak olduktan çok sonra bile olsa, bir gün gelip, 'Onu bağışlıyorum,' diye yazabilirsen, yalvarırım, yaz."
"Ah, Miss Havisham, hemen şimdi yapabilirim bunu," dedim. "Hepimiz çok acı yanlışlıklar yaptık; ben de gerçeklere sırt çevirerek nankörcesine yaşadım. Bağışlanmaya, yolumu bulmaya ben böylesine ihtiyaç duyarken size kin tutamam."
Deminden beri ilk olarak yüzünü benden yana döndü. Sonra beni şaşkınlığa, giderek dehşete düşüren bir davranışla ayaklarımın dibinde diz çöktü. Ellerini kavuşturup bana doğru öyle bir kaldırışı vardı ki, zavallıcık... yüreği daha yara almamış, örselenmemiş, tasasız bir küçük çocukken anasının dizi dibinde Tanrı'ya dua edişini görür gibi oldum.
O kır saçları ve çökük yüzüyle ayağımın dibinde dize geldiğini görmek tepeden tırnağa titretti beni. Kalksın diye yalvardım; kalkmasına yardım etmek için omzuna sarıldım. Ama o elimi yakalayıp sıktı, yüzünü elime bastırıp ağlamaya başladı.
Onun tek bir gözyaşı döktüğünü görmüş değildim bugüne değin. Boşanıp rahatlarsa açılacağını umarak hiç konuşmadan omzuna sarılıp bekledim. O, şimdi diz çökmekten de vazgeçmiş, yere yığılıp kalmıştı.
Hıçkırıklarının arasından, "Ah, ne yaptım ben!" diye inliyordu, çaresizce. "Ne yaptım ben!"
"Bana yaptığınızı demek istiyorsanız bırakın söyleyeyim. Beni üzecek pek az şey yaptınız. Estella'yı nas | -0.073532 | -2.068465 | -1.565754 | -1.334118 | [
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] | 1,334,895 | 438,272 | Book | -1 | -1 |
ılsa, ne olursa olsun sevecektim ben... Evlendi, değil mi?"
Yersiz bir soru; o ıssız evin içine çöken yepyeni bir ıssızlık bana her şeyi anlatmıştı zaten.
"Ne yaptım ben, ne yaptım!" Miss Havisham ellerini ovuşturup, kır saçlarını tartaklayarak durmadan, üst üste, "Ne yaptım!" diye inliyordu. "Ne yaptım ben!"
Bunu nasıl yanıtlayacağımı, onu nasıl avutacağımı bilemiyordum. Daha gelişmemiş, körpe bir çocuğun ruhunu kendi çılgın kininin, karşılıksız aşkının, kırılan gururunun öcünü alacak bir kalıba dökmekle büyük bir günah işlemişti; çok iyi biliyordum bunu. Beri yandan, pencerelerini gün ışığına kapadığı zaman da ölçülemeyecek kadar önemli birçok şeyi dışarıda bırakmıştı: Yaşamın binlerce doğal, şifalı etkeninden yoksun kılmıştı kendini; yapayalnızlığı içinde tek bir düşüncenin batağına saplanan usu hastalanmıştı. Nasıl ki Yaradan'ın kurduğu, buyurduğu düzeni tersine döndürmeye kalkan bütün uslar eninde sonunda hastalanırlar; hastalanacaklardır, kaçınılamaz bundan. Bunu da çok iyi biliyordum. Şu dakikada ona acıma duymadan bakabiliyor, böyle bir yıkıntıya dönüşmesinin, içinde yaşadığı dünyaya ters düşmesinin, kocaman bir saplantı olup çıkan boşuna kederinin ona en büyük ceza olduğunu görebiliyordum. Bu kederin hiçliği... insanların laneti olan pişmanlıkların, küçüklüklerin, zalimliklerin hiçliği, bütün öteki bomboş, özenti hiçlikler... birbirinin eşi değil miydi zaten?
"Geçen gün sen onunla konuşurken ben, aynaya bakarcasına, kendi çekmiş olduğum acıları gördüm. O zamana dek anlamamıştım, yaptığım şeyin ne olduğunu. Tanrım, ne yaptım ben, ne yaptım!"
İşte böyle gene, belki yirmi, belki elli kez, "Ne yaptım ben, ne yaptım!" diye çırpındı durdu.
Sonunda inlemesi kesildiği zaman konuştum:
"Miss Havisham, kafanızdan, vicdanınızdan benim yükümü atın. Gelgelelim Estella başka. Onu yaradılışına aykırı biçimde yetiştirmenin yanılgısını bir parçacık düzeltmek elinizden geliyorsa bunu yapmak, gelmiş geçmiş günahlar için bin yıl diz dövmekten yeğdir."
"Doğru; | -0.202196 | -2.097115 | -1.580971 | -1.222259 | [
-0.23138706489755456,
-0.17300464973648244
] | [
-2.190227568790673,
-2.004002196334462
] | [
-1.6697397816094917,
-1.4922029098325928
] | [
-1.3484251794039341,
-1.0960922633834043
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biliyorum bunu. Ama, Pip, yavrucuğum!" Miss Havisham'ın bu yeni yumuşaklığında candan, kadınca bir anlayış, bir sevgi vardı. "Yavrucuğum! Şuna inan ki Estella elime ilk geldiğinde niyetim onu kendi çektiğim acılardan esirgemekti. Başka amacım yoktu başlangıçta."
"Peki," dedim. "Öyle olsun."
"Ne var ki büyüdükçe, çok güzel olacağı gözle görülmeye başlayınca ben işi azıttım. Övgülerimle, öğretilerimle, elmaslarımla onun yüreğini çalıp yerine bir buz parçası koydum. Kendim de onun gözünün önündeydim her zaman; öğretilerimin canlı örneği, canlı kanıtı..."
Kendimi tutamayarak, "Keşke hiç ilişmeseydiniz yüreğine," dedim. "Yaralansaydı, paramparça olsaydı bundan iyiydi."
Bunu duyan Miss Havisham bir süre deli gözlerle bana baktı, sonra gene, "Ah, ne yaptım ben!" diye tutturdu. "Ama Pip, başımdan geçenlerin hepsini bilseydin bana biraz olsun acırdın. Belki daha iyi anlardın beni."
Hesaplı konuşmaya çalışarak, "Başınızdan geçenleri bildiğimi sanıyorum," dedim. "Londra'ya ilk gittiğimde öğrendim; yüreğim sızladı. Öykünüzü, bu öykünün etkilerini anlayabildiğimi sanıyorum. Aramızda geçenlere sığınarak, Estella'yla ilgili bir soru sorabilir miyim size? Şimdiyle değil, buraya ilk geldiği zamanla ilgili bir şey?"
Miss Havisham yere oturup kollarını o partal koltuğa dolamış, başını da kollarına yaslamıştı. Bu sözlerimi duyunca gözlerimin içine bakarak, "Sor," dedi.
"Kimin çocuğu, Estella?"
Miss Havisham kafasını, bilmem, dercesine sarstı.
"Bilmiyor musunuz?"
Miss Havisham başını gene iki yana salladı.
"Ama Jaggers değil miydi onu buraya getiren ya da yollayan?"
"Kendisi getirdi."
"Olayın nasıl geçtiğini anlatır mısınız?"
Miss Havisham fısıltılı bir sesle, ve ihtiyatla anlatmaya girişti: "Uzun süredir evime kapanmış yaşıyordum. Kaç zamandır? Kestiremeyeceğim. Buradaki saatlerin hangi zamanı gösterdiğini sen bilirsin. Günlerden bir gün Jaggers'a küçük bir kız çocuğunu evlat edinmek istediğimi söyledim. Severek büyütmek, kendi kara yazgımdan esirgemek amacıyla. Daha dünyayla ilişkimi kesmeden önce Jaggers'ın ününü gazetelerde okumuştum. Bu | 0.076447 | -1.810614 | -1.373 | -1.040163 | [
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evi dağıtmak istediğim zaman onu çağırttığımda ilk olarak görmüştüm onu. İstediğim gibi bir yetim kız çocuğu bulursa bana getireceğini söyledi. Sonra bir gece, kucağında uyuyan bir çocuk getirdi buraya. Kızın adını Estella koydum."
"Sorabilir miyim, kaç yaşındaydı o zaman?"
"İki-üç yaşlarında. Kendisinin bu konuda tek bildiği şey anasız babasız kaldığı, benim de onu evlat edindiğimdir."
Konuşmayı uzatmakla ne geçebilirdi ki elime? Herbert'in işini sağlama bağlamıştım; Miss Havisham bana Estella üstüne bütün bildiklerini anlatmıştı; ben de onu avutmak için elimden geleni yapmıştım. Ayrılırken neler dediğimizin önemi yok; ayrıldık.
Dışarıya, açık havaya çıktığım zaman alacakaranlık çökmek üzereydi. Geldiğimde bana bahçe kapısını açmış olan kadına, "Şimdilik rahatını bozma, biraz bahçede dolaşacağım," diye seslendim.
Çünkü içime, buraya bir daha hiç dönmeyeceğimi fısıldayan bir önsezi düşmüştü. Bahçeyi son olarak bu ölgün ışıkta görüp gezmenin çok uygun olacağını düşünüyordum.
Çok eskiden üzerlerinde dolaştığım o boş fıçı yığınlarının arasından geçtim. Üzerlerine yağan yılların yağmuru fıçıların birçoğunu çürütmüş, ayakta kalanların üzerinde minik göllerle bataklıklar oluşturmuştu. O perişan bahçeye girdim. Çepeçevre dolaştım burasını; işte, Herbert'le dövüştüğüm köşe. İşte, Estella ile yan yana yürüdüğümüz yollar. Her şey öylesine soğuk, ıssız, iç karartıcıydı ki şimdi!
Dönüşte bira fabrikasına uğradım. Bunun bitişiğindeki küçük bahçe kapısının mandalını kaldırarak içeride dolaştım. Karşı kapıdan çıkacaktım ama kolay olmadı bu, çünkü rutubetten tahtalar şişip ayrılmış, menteşeler dökülmeye başlamıştı. Eşikte büyüyen mantarlar insanın ayağına takılıyordu. Durup arkama baktım; o kısacık dakikada çocukluğumdan kalma bir çağrışım inanılmaz bir açıklıkla canlandı: Miss Havisham'ın tavan atkısından asılmış, sallandığını gördüm gene. Öyle canlıydı ki bu sanrı, atkının altınd | -0.173518 | -1.900146 | -1.517565 | -1.220958 | [
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] | 1,334,895 | 441,344 | Book | -1 | -1 |
a yalnızca bir an oyalandığım halde, gördüğümün bir hayal olduğunu kavrayıncaya kadar tepeden tırnağa titredim.
Çevremin ıssızlığıyla akşam saatinin hüznüne bu görüntünün verdiği büyük korku da eklenince içim dehşetle dolup taşarak, açık duran tahta kapıdan dışarı çıktım. Bir zamanlar, Estella beni yüreğimden vurduktan sonra, işte burada kafamı duvarlara vurmuştum...
Ön avluya geçince sokak kapısını açsın diye hizmetçi kadını mı çağırayım, yoksa bir koşu gidip Miss Havisham'ı mı yoklayayım, bilemeyerek duraksadım. Nedense onun bıraktığım gibi iyi, rahat olduğunu gözlerimle yeniden görmek istiyordum.
Onu bıraktığım odaya göz attım. Ocak başındaki partal koltukta, sırtı bana dönük, ateşe sokulmuş oturduğunu gördüm. Tam sessizce çekilip gitmek üzereydim ki birden, yükseklere doğru sıçrayan kocaman bir alevin parıltısı gözümü aldı. Aynı dakikada onun çığlık çığlığa bana doğru koştuğunu gördüm; dört bir yanını sarmış olan alevler hiç değilse iki insan boyu yüksekliğindeydi.
Üzerime kat kat pelerinli, kalın bir palto giymiştim; kolumda bir palto daha vardı. Bunları çıkarıp onun üstüne yürüdüğümü, onu yere yıkıp paltoları üzerine attığımı, aynı amaçla masanın o kocaman örtüsünü (o çürümüş yığıntı ve oraya sığınan bütün o iğrenç yaratıklarla birlikte) asılıp çektiğimi, yerde onunla bir süre, can düşmanları gibi alt alta üst üste boğuştuğumuzu, ben örtmeye yeltendikçe, onun daha delicesine çığlıklar atarak kurtulmaya çabaladığını... bütün bunların olup bittiğini, sonucundan biliyorum, yoksa o sırada herhangi bir şey hissedip düşündüğümden, yaptıklarımı bilinçli olarak yaptığımdan değil. Kendime geldiğimde, şölen masasının dibinde, yerde oturmaktaydık; onun sırtındaki soluk gecelikten kopup dağılmış olan ışıklı köz parçaları dumanlı hava içinde hâlâ uçuşup duruyorlardı.
O zaman dört bir yanıma bakındım: Rahatları kaçmış olan böceklerle örümceklerin yerlerde kaçıştıklarını, hizmetçilerin soluk soluğa, bağrış çağrış koşarak geldiklerini gördüm. | 0.088775 | -1.99684 | -1.601261 | -1.211853 | [
0.10863486035138768,
0.06891427291042364
] | [
-2.046977282285895,
-1.946702081732551
] | [
-1.619014961101806,
-1.5835075867464263
] | [
-1.192342963308761,
-1.2313635173325543
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] | 1,334,895 | 442,368 | Book | -1 | -1 |
function New-DbaDacOption {
<#
.SYNOPSIS
Creates a new Microsoft.SqlServer.Dac.DacExtractOptions/DacExportOptions object depending on the chosen Type
.DESCRIPTION
Creates a new Microsoft.SqlServer.Dac.DacExtractOptions/DacExportOptions object that can be used during DacPackage extract. Basically saves you the time from remembering the SMO assembly name ;)
See:
https://msdn.microsoft.com/en-us/library/microsoft.sqlserver.dac.dacexportoptions.aspx
https://msdn.microsoft.com/en-us/library/microsoft.sqlserver.dac.dacextractoptions.aspx
for more information
.PARAMETER Type
Selecting the type of the export: Dacpac (default) or Bacpac.
.PARAMETER Action
Choosing an intended action: Publish or Export.
.PARAMETER PublishXml
Specifies the publish profile which will include options and sqlCmdVariables.
.PARAMETER WhatIf
If this switch is enabled, no actions are performed but informational messages will be displayed that explain what would happen if the command were to run.
.PARAMETER Confirm
If this switch is enabled, you will be prompted for confirmation before executing any operations that change state.
.PARAMETER EnableException
By default, when something goes wrong we try to catch it, interpret it and give you a friendly warning message.
This avoids overwhelming you with "sea of red" exceptions, but is inconvenient because it basically disables advanced scripting.
Using this switch turns this "nice by default" feature off and enables you to catch exceptions with your own try/catch.
.NOTES
Tags: Deployment, Dacpac
Author: Kirill Kravtsov (@nvarscar), nvarscar.wordpress.com
Website: https://dbatools.io
Copyright: (c) 2018 by dbatools, licensed under MIT
License: MIT https://opensource.org/licenses/MIT
.LINK
https://dbatools.io/New-DbaDacOption
.EXAMPLE
PS C:\> $options = New-DbaDacOption -Type Dacpac -Action Export
PS C:\> $options.ExtractAllTableData = $true
PS C:\> $options.CommandTimeout = 0
PS C:\> Export-DbaDacPackage -SqlInstance sql2016 -Database DB1 -Options $options
Uses DacOption object to set the CommandTimeout to 0 then extracts the dacpac for SharePoint_Config on sql2016 to C:\temp\SharePoint_Config.dacpac including all table data.
.EXAMPLE
PS C:\> $options = New-DbaDacOption -Type Dacpac -Action Publish
PS C:\> $options.DeployOptions.DropObjectsNotInSource = $true
PS C:\> Publish-DbaDacPackage -SqlInstance sql2016 -Database DB1 -Options $options -Path c:\temp\db.dacpac
Uses DacOption object to set Deployment Options and publish the db.dacpac dacpac file as DB1 on sql2016
#>
[CmdletBinding(SupportsShouldProcess)]
Param (
[ValidateSet('Dacpac', 'Bacpac')]
[string]$Type = 'Dacpac',
[Parameter(Mandatory)]
[ValidateSet('Publish', 'Export')]
[string]$Action,
[string]$PublishXml,
[switch]$EnableException
)
process {
if ($PScmdlet.ShouldProcess("$type", "Creating New DacOptions of $action")) {
if (-not $script:core) {
$dacfxPath = "$script:PSModuleRoot\bin\smo\Microsoft.SqlServer.Dac.dll"
if ((Test-Path $dacfxPath) -eq $false) {
Stop-Function -Message 'Dac | -1.182969 | -0.653868 | -0.118828 | 0.584393 | [
-0.8624650188087335,
-1.5034731195801534
] | [
-0.5535930454735898,
-0.7541434465802782
] | [
0.10562893615949683,
-0.3432857253335188
] | [
0.7638874784174079,
0.40489838139850987
] | 1,024 | [
512,
512
] | [
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Train Wreckers (Tap to read)
In the early days of railroads there was a subset of law breakers called Train Wreckers. They were sometimes involved in union activities, trying to derail a train as part of a labor action, but most often robbery was the motive. The activity inspired hundreds of headlines and at least one stage production.
The three most popular methods of wrecking a train were, first, to take out a trestle, which would send a locomotive plunging. Second, was the removal of frogs, the structure that ties two rail ends together. This could be accompanied by the shifting of at least one of the rails. Third, vandals would put some obstruction on the track, ranging from logs to boulders. Derailing the train was often the result, but simply stopping it would do nearly as well.
In 1890 newspaper readers in the Treasure Valley followed the story of an attempt to wreck the Montreal Express near Albany New York. In 1891, wreckers were foiled when someone found a piece of iron fastened to tracks near Minneapolis. The plotters were caught and confessed they were planning to rob the disabled train.
In September 1892, Passenger Train Number 8 was derailed west of Osage, Missouri. Four men were killed in the attempted robbery of a million dollars on board the train. Thirty-five men, women and children were injured. That same year a train wreck was foiled in Coon Rapids, Iowa. There were alleged Mafia ties to that one.
In 1893, train wreckers bumped the Vandela Express from its tracks near Brazil, Indiana. In February 1894 a train was derailed near Houston, and the wreck robbed in a hail of bullets. That same year there were train wreckers in Colorado and California. And Idaho.
Some lament that Idaho is late to every party, but this wasn't one to which anyone sought an invitation. It came by way of rail.
On a September day in 1894 a west-bound train chugged out of Mountain Home across the desert toward Nampa. The train carried passengers, mail, and freight. Things were progressing routinely until the engineer squinted into the distance. There was something on the track. That something was moving toward them. It was a handcar with two men aboard pumping furiously into the teeth of the barreling locomotive. The engineer pulled hard on the brake lever, raising a hideous shriek from steel wheels sliding on steel rails.
The sudden action threw passengers from their seats. When the train came to a stop the travelers piled out of the cars to see what was up.
Aboard the handcar, now snugged up to the cowcatcher, was the railroad section foreman and a section hand, out of breath from pumping.
In words you are welcome to color with your imagination the engineer inquired as to the purpose of putting a handcar in the path of a speeding train. In fact, the section foreman had an excellent answer. He had been on a routine inspection of the tracks in his section near Owyhee Station when he noticed that someone had removed the frogs and fish plates to misalign a track section that ran across a gully. The next train to hit that trestle would have plunged 45 feet into the channel with cars piling behind it like loose dominos.
The railroad men had worked feverishly to repair the track before the scheduled train could hit the bad spot. Repaired though it was, the men thought it would be prudent to warn the coming train to take it slow and careful, and not just out of an abundance of caution about the repair. While working to fix the vandalized section the railroad men had spotted a man on horseback, well-armed, watching their progress from a nearby hilltop.
Fearing there might be more mischief ahead, the train crew prepared the passengers for a possible attack, having them crouch low on the floor. It was about then that the aforementioned horseman appeared as a silhouette on a ridgetop. As it happened, the assistant superintendent of the Oregon Short Line—so named because it was the shortest route between Wyoming and Oregon—was on board. S.S. Morris walked out to have a chat with the rider. The man declined the invitation by spurring his horse and disappearing behind the rise.
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The Filmko film THE MONKEY KING 3 (SAI YAU GEI NUI YI GOK) will open at the Lunar New Year. Aaron Kwok Fu Sing, Law Chung Him and director Soi Cheang Pou Soi promoted the film. Sing Sing this time played a comedic Sun Wukong, which he thought he was the most suitable choice for. Because few actors knew how to fight and had a comedic sense, he was well worth the price. However playing Sun Wukong was a chore. Sing Sing revealed when he saw the makeup artist again he wanted to turn around immediately and quit.
Sing Sing revealed that this installment cost 500 million yuan to produce. Cheang Pou Soi admitted that this time was very expensive, did the cast salary take up a large percentage? Cheang Pou Soi said that it definitely was different from the ones before. Sing Sing also said that the most important was for the film to be well made. Speaking of THE MONKEY KING and THE MONKEY KING 2, they made over 1 billion RMB at the Mainland box office. Were they confident? Sing Sing joked, "This time we will be happy with 3 billion!"
Sing Sing after THE MONKEY KING 2 again played Sun Wukong in THE MONKEY KING 3. He admitted that the character was very different. "Actually I am a comedy actor. Ah Soi this time asked me to play a comedic Sun Wukong. In addition I am well worth the money, as few actors know how to fight and have a comedic sense. I am the most suitable choice." Sing Sing said that this time Sun Wukong also changed in its appearance. The director wanted Sun Wukong this time to look more monkey than human, so on the first day of costume fitting they spent 12 hours. Afterward everyone was very pleased. Playing the same character again, Sing Sing said, "Playing comedy with this look is hard. Last time the character was heaver so originally I said I won't play it again. However I was getting itchy, I had to torture myself to be pleased. Actually it has been two years, I have already forgotten the pain of the performance. After I signed the contract on the first day on the set, I saw the makeup artist again, I immediately wanted to turn around and quit because I was truly scared off. I even called Siu Mei (his manager) and said that I quit. She replied and said that I couldn't."
Sing Sing said that finding someone else would not be hard, but the director was very understanding. He knew that playing the character would be very "frustrating". In addition the company told him that it would give him time to adjust. Thus he challenged himself again. He said, "If I don't do it, who would!" Would he keep playing Sun Wukong in THE MONKEY KING film series? Sing Sing said without hesitation, "I would play the Tang Monk, it would be real comfortable!"
The pain of playing Sun Wukong was gluing the hair all over the body. Cheang Pou Soi understood Sing Sing's pain. "Everyone can try to pu a piece of wet toilet paper on your face for 12 hours, but when hair was glued on him no liquid was directly stuck to his skin. His skin could not breath so it was like being bitten by ants. Thus I would understand how Sing Sing felt. I could only adjust with the production time." Sing Sing said that at the time he had to a tube of anti itch ointment with him everyday. In addition the head band was designed to remain tight on his head so it would not become loose during stunts. As soon as he inflated with heat he would start to have a headache and suffer.
Cheang Pou Soi also felt bad for the Sand Monk Law Chung Him because he had to wear a tight muscle suit. Everyday the suit cut off his circulation. His fingers even turned purple. Him Jai recalled, "I pricked my fingers and they still responded so I wasn't too worried. Actually the toughest was unable to go 'number 2'. I couldn't for four months and I ended up with stomach pain, so I had to properly control my diet. Putting on and taking off the suit took several hours!" Cheang Pou Soi added, "When he moved, the muscle suit would move just like skin. When tightened even the hands would be swollen. When the special effect makeup artist saw this situation would stop the production and make Ah | -0.201682 | 0.065517 | -1.017926 | -0.582809 | [
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American composer Alvin Curran was a colleague of 20th century pioneer John Cage. As part of a world wide 100th anniversary celebration of Cage, Curran shared "some uncaged thoughts and doing of recent origins" following an 8 day treck in the Tarn Valley, France in the summer of 2012.
Western Front New Music hosted Alvin Curran in residence in November 2012 for a solo concert entitled The Alvin Curran Fake Book – a lifelong project, now being documented in a Real Book of sketches, compositions, and improvisations. He also contributed his work Brass Mob Steals AC (Alvin Curran) Fake Book to a community event celebrating Vancouver's 125th anniversary featuring over 150 lower mainland students and community members.
One does not need stories about Cage to tell over and over, just stop what you are doing and listen. Listen to anything, or try not to listen, think about it or do not think about it, and you will have a John Cage story.
In this centennial year of John Cage's birth there are 75 special events (announced at the John Cage Trust site as of July 15th) happening around the world. Just like the continual anniversaries of Mozart or Bach – all figures who have become the objects of curiosity, affection, love, contention, celebrities of the human imagination, global purveyors of nonstop entertainment, joie de vivre, and mythical transcendental powers.
Some of Cage's numerous detractors will be eating crow, as they see that the John Cage phenomenon is not just a passing fancy but a genuine addition to the history, the architecture, and even the bumbling economy of the contemporary musical experience. Cage's music has not only been heard by untold numbers of people but it has amazingly provided employment to thousands of people engaged in writing, broadcasting, photographing, publishing, selling, promoting, wiring, sound reinforcing, lighting, practicing, photocopying, rehearsing, piano tuning, blogging, performing, lecturing, selling T-shirts-CDs-books-MP3 downloads, cleaning, and cooking.
It has above all provided discovery and joy in the ability to make and appreciate sounds liberated from ego, emotion, and even meaning.
Already at the Angelica Festival in Bologna 2008 with Boletus Edulis: Musica Pendolare for the Take the Cage Train project, and on to 2009 and 2010 when the Huddersfield New Music Festival took a jump start to this years Cage year, I was happy to participate in all of these rich programs, on trains, in pubs, on icy plazas, with roving accordion bands, and porcini pig-outs.
Empty Words – an 8 hour solo reading/performance at the Kolumba Museum, August 26th Cologne and rebroadcasts of Cage-inspired radio works including Erat Verbum John and Caged Notes- RAI radio, Italy.
Does that make me a shill for the John Cage Medicine-Oil Circus? Or someone who through numerous flukes and fortuitous circumstances came into the Cage circle through the side, back, and front doors at different times?
In principio Erat Verbum John – and where would I be without his Word? His furious banging on the door of the Kitchen in NYC, when he showed up to a solo concert of mine there in 1989, two hours early. His arrival at my basement studio in Rome to hear in childlike delight my Bluthner midi-grand piano sounding with samples of bison, elk, loons and wolves and Narragansett Bay Fog Horns. His asking to hear my Opern Mix of some 76 lyric operas which he thought he might use in his own Europeras, if he did not have the time to make his own mix…alas, he found the time. Telling me how he ran out of the Frankfurt Opera House (where he was staying and working) when it caught fire. His recording for me 5 monosyllabic words to be used in my Maritime Rites pieces for National Public Radio…perplexed he kept asking, "Only 5 words, Alvin, is that all you want?" His sitting down on the floor of my apartment at Mills College | 1.455026 | 1.068716 | 0.214053 | 0.233208 | [
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to get closer to the surrounding students… His wanting to try every flavor – all 50 some-odd – at the Giolitti ice-cream shop in Rome, if David Tudor would only help him.
Speaking of all the flavors, I've played several "Events" for the Merce Cunningham Dance Co., with Kosugi and others. The Cage score says: create a time plan of 70 minutes in which you do not play for 15 minutes, portioned anywhere in any number of durations throughout the 70 minute piece; while playing, do not listen to anyone or anything else around you; do not take cues from the dancers, better not look at them at all. Cage's dangerous embrace of everything is here in its fullest force, and as a composer I have found no other work so elegant, so perfectly composed. There is simply no other piece in the entire western musical literature that requires such trust, commitment, artistry, humility, madness, disembodied counterpoint and natural spontaneous music making. Go home and try that one out with your friends.
Just as Schoenberg's brilliant subversion of Western music's tonal foundations successfully caught the imagination of modernist 20th Century composers, Cage's call for the equality of all sounds, for abolishing the "compositional" connective tissues of sonic events – their goal-seeking, their ritual, their emotional content – challenged and fired the imaginations of a large number of post-WWII composers and listeners. But he found only a few dedicated adherents, simply because of the rigors required in the extreme renunciation of instinct, tradition and all the conventions of our 2000 year old music practice. Cage's call to scrap our ancestral expressivity in music was much too demanding for most people to assimilate and master. In the current new music practices of 2012, an understandably cyclical re-embracing of past musical conventions (broadly tonal, pulsed, virtuosic and espressivo) has all but cancelled the memory of 100 years of avant-garde modernism and experimentalism in music – now upholding Cage lovingly as the world's greatest musical madcap, no longer a threat to himself or others. Or so they think.
On occasion even I have been known to react negatively to some of the more aggravating musical demands Cage made on his audience by creating music that goes nowhere so intentionally. Who needs this, this kind of discipline? Today, we are improvisers, maximal-minimalists, tonal-detonalists, Tristan-Zara-upstarts, post-Fluxus bean-droppers, ambient-fakirs, neo-Marx brother-inlaws – free of all rules, cultural conditions, latter day saints and ignus, anarchist fake-books! So what's with Cage's incessant questioning, his Zen-Talmud? Thoreau-inspired ablutions? Joycean polyglotterei? Hindustani exotics, Satie-labeled sofa stuffings? Brilliant Royanji stone glissandi on raked sand? It's the questions, these and more!
But the work stands! stands large like a grandstand bandstand! Taken in its visual, musical, poetic and philosophical entirety it's the bozo of bosons, a grand canyon, cut smack though the middle of the bourgeois modernist garden, through the whole 20th century park of mad destruction and alcoholic invention; with walls so high so jagged, so wide and deep and bewildering in shape, as to guarantee permanent vertigo – a drive-by find of a big trunk of Urmusik in the middle of nowhere – full of works spawned by the dice-throwing gods who started it all, the original hawkers of Empty Words.
Composer Alvin Curran is the co-founder, with Frederic Rzewski and Richard Teitelbaum, of Musica Elettronica Viva, and a former student of Elliott Carter. Curran's music often makes use of electronics and environmental found sounds. Democratic, irreverent and traditionally experimental, Curran travels in a computerized covered wagon between the Golden Gate and the Tiber River, and makes music for every occasion with any sounding phenomena — a volatile mix of lyricism and chaos | 1.679653 | 0.429462 | 0.11197 | 0.631218 | [
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Unveiling the key polyatomic ion of interstellar chemistry
In the chemistry of interstellar clouds, the three-atomic hydrogen ion plays a key role. In these reactions, also simple organic molecules form.
Although H3+ is the simplest polyatomic molecular ion, its vibrational spectrum at high excitations to date has been neither experimentally precisely known nor theoretically understood. Precise measurements at the Max Planck Institute for Nuclear Physics in Heidelberg now provided the decisive hints on how to dramatically improve the quantum theoretical calculations. (Physical Review Letters 108, 023002 (2012))
Laser spectroscopy of triatomic hydrogen ions is performed at the MPI for Nuclear Physics at temperatures near -210°C in this cryogenic ion trap, a 22-pole cage further developed from the original design by D. Gerlich at the University of Freiburg, Germany. Photo: MPIK, O. Novotný
Two examples of the quantum mechanical wave functions for the atomic nuclei in H3+ at high excitation (corresponding to the 6th and 7th harmonics of the bending vibration in (a) and (b), respectively). They are taken from results of the new calculations (electronic supplement of the paper in Physical Review Letter). The square of this function yields the probability density of locating the atomic nuclei relative to each other. The wave functions show a high probability density for linear configurations of H3+, extremely far away from the equilateral triangular structure of non-vibrating H3+. With the new theory such configurations can be described exactly. Graph: Authors of the paper
Within a molecule, the binding cloud allocates stable positions to the atomic nuclei and determines the frequencies at which they can oscillate around these positions. Ground and overtone frequencies of these vibrations give a fingerprint of the molecular structure and reveal how the electron cloud can resist to deformations of the molecule. The frequencies of very weak high-overtone oscillations must be measured to understand the molecular forces at large deformations. Even for the most basic neutral molecule H2, experiments and quantum calculations needed long time to reach precise agreement; this was reached about three decades ago.
Adding another proton to H2 yields H3+, the simplest polyatomic ion. With just the single additional proton added, challenges rise enormously, both for measuring the weak high-overtone vibration frequencies and for accurately calculating them by quantum theory. Although H3+ is an abundant and chemically very active molecular ion in interstellar space, it can be produced in the laboratory only under extremely dilute conditions, mostly in plasmas. Moreover, in the plasma environment where H3+ ions mostly occur, their temperatures are very high and lead to an essentially impenetrable forest of possible frequencies at which vibrations of these ions can be excited. Finally, only undeformed cold H3+ has a highly symmetrical triangular shape, while all types of asymmetric triangular and even linear shapes occur if it is strongly deformed.
... more about:
»H3+ »Max Planck Institute »Nuclear Physics »chemistry of interstellar clouds »high-overtone oscillations »interstellar chemistry »key polyatomic ion »simple organic molecules »three-atomic hydrogen
These challenges were successfully met by a recent experiment at a cryogenic buffer gas ion trap at the MPIK, where since some years H3+ ions can be cooled down to only -210 °C for precise laser spectroscopy. In the new experiments, visible light was employed to put the ions into vibration instead of the infrared radiation used earlier, and vibrations up to the eighth overtone – extremely weak resonances – could be excited. After long searches in large intervals around inaccurately predicted transition frequencies, the scientists for the first time could find overtone excitation lines extending far into the visible spectral range.
The new precisely measured overtone frequencies gave decisive hints to an international group of molecular theorists on how to dramatically improve their first-principles quantum calculations of this fundamental triatomic molecule. The new measurements and quantum | 0.893459 | 1.842268 | 1.622301 | 1.627542 | [
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calculations now for the first time show precise agreement between each other up to strong deformations for a polyatomic molecule, similar to that obtained for the diatomic hydrogen molecule H2 about thirty years ago.
"Precision measurements and computations of transition energies in rotationally cold triatomic hydrogen ions up to the mid-visible spectral range"
M. Pavanello et al., Physical Review Letters 108, 023002 (2012).
Dr. Bernold Feuerstein | Max-Planck-Institut
http://link.aps.org/doi/10.1103/PhysRevLett.108.023002
http://www.mpi-hd.mpg.de/blaum/molecular-qd/index.en.html
Further reports about: > H3+ > Max Planck Institute > Nuclear Physics > chemistry of interstellar clouds > high-overtone oscillations > interstellar chemistry > key polyatomic ion > simple organic molecules > three-atomic hydrogen
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NASA | 0.206224 | 0.938001 | 0.952733 | 0.534967 | [
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Tag: first world war
The Lochnagar Quilt exhibited
February 1, 2018 danthompson33Leave a comment
The Lochnagar Quilt is exhibited at Lombard Street Gallery, Margate from 3-25 February 2018, as part of From Wasteland To Wasteland. The gallery is open Tuesday – Saturday: 11am – 5pm, Sundays: 12 – 4pm, Closed Mondays.
The Lochnagar Crater is as much about what's not there as about what is.
The vast crater itself is a place that's missing from the landscape, however many hundreds of tons of chalk and soil removed from surrounding farmland in one defining instant in July 1916.
And it stands today as a memorial to men made absent, the unimaginable 17 million dead and 20 million wounded (some of whom, never really came home, even if their bodies did) by the First World War. The Crater is home to some of those soldiers, killed by the explosion itself, in subsequent battles, or buried within it; but very few bodies have been exhumed.
The exhumation of Private George Nugent from the Crater in 1998 is remarkable because of the rarity of the act.
But more than those obvious absences, taking time to look at the wide and deep crater, or walking the route around its edge, or entering into it as we did, makes you contemplate what else is lost. The physicality of the Lochnagar Crater is an intense experience that art, photography or writing really cannot capture. No artist can capture the way the Lochnagar Crater sits in a calm, managed landscape (so familiar, so like the Sussex and Kent landscapes I know, that I asked a geologist friend; and yes, she said, it's the same landscape, the same chalk). No artist can record the feeling of standing at the bottom of a space in the landscape that's the size of a cathedral; the Lochnagar Crater is about as wide as St Paul's is high.
You cannot really understand the Crater without visiting; art can only record a little of the experience. Each artist, here, has created work that is the size of a person not the size of the Lochnagar Crater. Visiting it does that to you.
So this quilt isn't an attempt to recreate the crater. The Lochnagar Quilt is white, like the chalk landscape of the Crater and the fields around it. It would cover one sleeping man; one soldier at eternal rest. It is made from vintage pillowcases, which were previously part of Dawn Cole's Resting Place project. The shape of the crater is taken from tracings of 360 degree photos I took from the bottom and centre, the exact places the mines were laid.
But the making of the quilt is as important as the object itself. The Lochnagar Quilt was made with three important women, who have been made more absent from my life by my move to Margate.
In choosing to make it with them, I also wanted to remember the women absent from the Somme, from the Lochnagar Crater, and (largely) from the battlefield tours that take place today. This is for the women who turned their skin yellow making the munitions, and for the Munitionettes playing football. It's for the women who worked as nurses, and as drivers in the Women's Auxiliary Army Corp. It's for the women who served in the Women's Land Corps and the Women's Land Army. It's for the people who served in the Women's Royal Naval Service and the Women's Royal Air Force. And it's for the women who stayed at home, and brought up children in such difficult circumstances.
To make the Lochnagar Quilt, I went back to Worthing, to my nan's house, where I lived for the first year of my life. My nan, Betty Stiles, used to be a dancer, and is an award-winning quilter.
My aunt, Linda Rush, joined us; a textile artist and illustrator, she trained at West Sussex College of Art & Design. And my mum, Netta Thompson, was the third. She used to have her own company, making costume for children for school history days and reenactments, and while she now works in a factory making precision electronics, she | 1.723482 | 1.344473 | 0.978096 | 0.057615 | [
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Q: Should validation be inside or outside function? Which one is better?
A
if ( complexDataCheck(...) ) {
doJob(...)
}
vs
B
doJob()
func doJob(...) {
if not(complextDataCheck(...)) return error;
...
}
In A, the function does one and only one thing which is good, but OTOH it may be called with invalid input.
In B, the function does multiple things (assuming the validation part is a non-trivial part of the logic).
I want to know what are other pros and cons of the above and if there is a third better option?
A: Both can be useful, but neither is better.
Which way this is handled has to be determined by gathering data and making decisions. Making the decision is a complex process that depends on requirements, what assumptions are safe to make and how the functions will be used.
Start with your "A" case:
function isValid(data)
...Do expensive validity check, return result...
function doJob(data, x)
if not isValid(data) // Expensive
raise exception
...Do job, return result...
This favors correctness by forcing the data through a validity check each time doJob() is called. This is fine when doing it once...
DataType data = ...
Number x = ...
doJob(data, x) // Expensive, but only once
...but sacrifices performance when done repeatedly on the same data:
for x in 1..50
doJob(data, x) // Expensive 50 times
If this meets your performance requirements, you've got all of the safety and performance you need and there's no need to do anything further.
If it doesn't, there has to be a trade-off to regain the lost performance. You might do this by providing a separate, non-validating version of doJob() to optimize out the repeated validation as might happen in your "B" case:
if not isValid(data) // Expensive, but only once.
raise exception
// At this point, we know data is valid and can use it safely.
for x in 1..50
doJobUnvalidated(data, x)
You've traded some safety (leaving validation to callers) for performance (validating only once).
When providing code for others (or even yourself) to call, there's no substitute for finding out the intended uses before starting development and how it's actually used after you've released it. If the 1..n case turns out to be common, that's good reason provide a function that does it safely:
function doJobRepeatedly(data, n)
if not isValid(data)
raise exception
for x in 1..n
doJobUnvalidated(data, x)
The onus for correctness is still on you as a caller to doJobUnvalidated(), but it concentrates understanding of the rules into your library and there's one implementation. This is much better than spreading knowledge and implementations across each place in calling code where it needs to happen.
Finally, and I can't stress this enough, make sure the assumptions made by your functions are documented so callers understand what they're getting into. There's nothing more frustrating than having your program go kaboom, debugging the failure and tracing it to an undocumented assumption in someone else's code.
A: There is a third option: don't return.
In your first example the client using your function is responsible
*
*for being sure data is valid before passing it,
*for dealing with the result of calling the function, and
*for knowing when to call the function
In your second example the client is responsible
*
*for dealing with the result and
*for knowing when to call the function.
The third option is to only be responsible
*
*for knowing when to call the function
Pass it whatever data and let it tell whatever handler about whatever results.
If the function is a method hanging off an object the handler could have been set when the object was constructed elsewhere so our client doesn't have to know that either.
The handler can be an output port that sends results to some user interface. Done this way the client doesn't care what happened. Success, failure, nothing | -0.365358 | -0.872325 | 1.005995 | 0.306046 | [
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ICTSecurityTechnology
Old, unpatched software are a magnet for ransomware, warns Malwarebytes
IT organizations, especially those in healthcare facilities and government institutions that handle huge amounts of sensitive personal data and health records need to ensure their systems and software are regularly updated in order to avoid becoming victims of ransomware, according to a security company.
California-based Malwarebytes told Canadian Government Executive that it has identified at least 10 Canadian cities that are favourite targets of ransomware.
Cyber criminals have been exploiting the prevalence of outdated server-side software such as older versions of WordPress and Joomla Website in many Canadian organizations, according to Jerome Segura, a senior security researcher at Malwarebytes.
Segura also said that some three weeks ago, Malwarebytes discovered that the computer system of an Ontario hospital was compromised and made to spread ransomware among its staff, patients and their families who visit the hospital's Web site. He identified the hospital as the Norfolk General Hospital, in Simcoe, Ontario. NGH is a small 106-bed hospital which has been a teaching facility for the McMaster University's Faculty of Sciences since 2009.
According to Segura, the hospital's Web portal is powered by Joomla CMS version 2.5.6 (the latest version is 3.4.8). Several vulnerabilities exist for the outdated version being run by the hospital.
"Many of these older programs do not have the benefit of up-to-date protection, so cyber criminals find it very easy to load their malware," he said. "Since January this year, Malwarebytes Anti-Malware has detected over tens of thousands of instances of ransomware affecting Canadians."
He said, "many more" were blocked by Malwarebytes' Anti-Exploit or Ransomware Beta products.
Ransomware is a type of malware that restricts access to the infected computer system. The malware typically displays on the computer screen of infected machines a demand for the user to pay a ransom to the malware operators to restore access to their data. Some ransomware encrypts files on the system's hard drive while some may simply lock the system. In many instances, the attackers demand payment in bitcoins.
Based on Malwarebytes' telemetry, here are the 10 Canadian cities most affected by malware:
Saint Catharines
"Our honeypots visited the NGH page and got infected with ransomware via the Angler exploit kit," said the researcher. "A closer look at the packet capture revealed that malicious code leading to the exploit kit was injected directly into the site's source code itself."
Like many site hacks, this injection is conditional and will appear only once for a particular IP address, Segura said. For instance, the site administrator who often visits the page will only see a clean version of it while first timers will get served the exploit and malware.
"The particular strain of ransomware dropped here is TeslaCrypt which demands $500 to recover your personal files it has encrypted," said Segura. "That payment doubles after a week."
Mark Patton, vice-president of engineering for Malwarebytes, said it appears that the computers of some people who visited the hospital Web site were infected.
"We alerted the hospital officials and warned them about the potential dangers," he said. "They told us that they are working on upgrading their version of Joomla with their hosting provider."
Patton said that healthcare facilities are prime targets for ransomware because they are a rich source of sensitive private and financial information.
He said chief information security officers (CISO) need to focus on four key things to keep their systems safe:
Always keep software updated and patched
Run the latest versions of browsers
Backup data regularly and frequently
Patton also adviced CISOs to make sure their IT teams are vigilant in getting rid of unused software. This way, an organization can, at least, reduce the attack surface.
"Many IT infrastructures in hospitals and government offices tend to cling on to older operating systems and software that do not have ample protection anymore," he said. "In such a situation, the risk of attack is very high. It also raises the question of liability."
In the event that an attack does occur, he said, the question of negligence on the part of the institution is likely to be raised.
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showbiz world to focus on his recovery.
Yes. But we dont know how effective, cyclophosphamide purchase mastercard usa or for how long. The Selective Service website crashed Friday because of "the spread of misinformation," the agency tweeted. Bec Winter from Moruya on the New South Wales South Coast ran from the flames on the back of her horse with her son Riley when fire began threatening their property on New Year's Eve. The German giants want to save a combined 13 bln euros to fund the transition to electric cars but crunching together could yield much more than that. Christopher Thompson predicts the Fiat-Peugeot playbook will be scrutinised heavily in Stuttgart and Munich in 2020. Metropolitan Diary An old hand at the delicatessen's waiting line caught a newly arrived customer trying to use someone's discarded ticket. Photographer Julius Dadalti, 48, captured the moment a crocodile bit hold of a zebra's head in Kenya's Masai Mara national park before dragging the animal to its death. Pope Francis has apologized for slapping a woman's hand to free himself from her grip while greeting children and pilgrims in St. Peter's Square on New Year's Eve. Metropolitan Diary Seen in Brooklyn a generation ago, a timeless man in a red van is parked at Zabar's, still clanging his bell for customers who want their knives sharpened.
TheBeauty And The Beast star was clad in tiny black briefs as he strolled onto the sandafter taking a refreshing dip on Friday.
(Reuters Health) - Even as makers of e-cigarettes insist they are not marketing to U.S. youth, others in the vaping industry are offering academic scholarships targeted to high school kids, a new study finds. Two men featured in a 2019 documentary alleging sexual abuse by Michael Jackson were given the go-ahead on Friday to pursue claims against two of the late singer's companies. Vice President Mike Pence claimed that Maj. Gen. Qassim Suleimani of Iran assisted 10 of the 12 terrorists who carried out the September 11 terrorist attacks. Just kidding. There purchase procyclidine shop uk are actually a lot more. A doubles match between the United States and Italy ended order symbicort virginia beach at 404 a.m., another hiccup for an overhauled event that has not gotten off to a seamless start.
Scientists in purchase tamofen in japan India said they found 'astronomically high' levels of superbugs in water downstream of the sacred town of Gangotri (pictured), which is near the river's source so it should be clean. TVs streaming wars are a global contest, and this year India became one of the most hotly contested fronts. After missing the cut four years in a row, he changed his approach and won the British Open this year. MATT HUGHES - AHEAD OF THE GAME The Israeli super-agent has excellent relationships with many at Chelsea and is even close to Roman Abramovich, the owner of the generic cyclogest money order shop Blues. While the cost of energy, car insurance and home insurance averaged a total of 2,032 in 2015, this was 2,707 in 2019 - an inflation-busting jump of 33%. The Ducks managed to win with only 204 yards in total offense the fewest by a team in the Rose Bowl since 1979. A video captured and shared on social media by a member of The Litterboom Project, a Southafrican cheap prices on tacrolimus conservation initiative, showed plastic bottles and other litter being churned out onto a Durban beach by the waves. The actress, 30, was spotted making two coffee runs in Los Angeles on Friday. It wasn't just coffee the actress was seen grabbing that day, though. Lucy was seen picking up two extra large iced teas. Karen Matthews is 'demanding a refund on her 39.95 engagement ring' amid claims she has split from her convicted paedophile fiance Paul Saunders, 57. Town hall chiefs are calling for tougher sentences on fly-tippers | -1.303501 | -0.852628 | -1.900538 | -1.600758 | [
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as cases have risen by more feldene purchase online store than half in six years. Only one in 20 cases brought to court end in a fine of more than 1,000, says the LGA. A young thug knocked a man to the ground after threatening to slit his throat on King Street, Belfast. He cheapest diovan order shop europe then shouted 'Start on me and I'll knock you clean out.' Viewers called him a 'scumbag'. Two babies from ancient South American burial mounds have been found wearing helmets made from the skulls ranolazine without prescription site of other children, according to new research. The Prime Minister has pledged to connect every home in the UK to 'gigabit-capable' broadband by 2025, which many in the industry see as a highly ambitious target that buy iv daflon online will need significant funding. Jacqueline Sims, 58, from Stoke-on-Trent, claimed she was drugged twice as a child by Dr Kenneth Milner while staying at the Aston Hall psychiatric hospital in Derbyshire in 1973.
As the Middle East grappled with the death of Iranian Quds Force commander Qassem Soleimani,a key ally of President Donald Trump was gloating. New findings indicate the outbreak of severe lung injuries may have peaked, but cases are still surfacing. The agency is urging doctors to monitor people closely after hospitalization. The star of the prison drama walks us through her thought process for a cheap 25mg rigevidon sequence involving her warden character and an execution. The explosion took place at an event for recruits to a separatist militia. Children were among the dead. Major-General Qassem Soleimani, killed in a U.S. airstrike, was Iran's second most powerful man -- and the chief architect of the countries regional alliances and proxy wars. Lucy Fielder reports.
The fallen auto cheap ursosan purchase store usa titan held early discussions with a movie producer before his audacious escape. The films villain Japanese justice.
Malaysian state oil and gas company Petronas was recently approached by Saudi Aramco to participate in the Middle Eastern companys initial public offering, Petronas said on Wednesday. U.S. President Donald Trump on Friday (January 3) heralded the killing of Iran's most prominent military commander, telling Evangelical supporters in Miami "his bloody rampage is now forever gone."
Chantel Jeffries and Diplo seem to be more than friends as things heated up between the pair on a post-holiday vacation. The DJs were spotted soaking up the sun on the beach in Tulum, on Thursday.
Read Fast Facts from CNN about Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. Home runs are up and pitchers are grumbling but baseball said a study of its seemingly supercharged baseballs had led them to conclude they did not need to change a thing. Ghanem al-Masarir, a satirist based in London, says officials in Saudi Arabia are behind threats to his life and the spyware infection of his phones. An estimated 250,000 people turned out to watch the 28th annual Australia Day fireworks display in the western money order now detrol usa Australian city, despite fears weather conditions could disrupt the event. The lawsuit claims the company targeted minority women and children despite being aware of the risk of asbestos in talc. Eight endangered native wolves have been found dead in the hills of Tuscany since the beginning of November, with three fresh corpses emerging in the last amisulpride price decrease week.
Chrissy Teigen's family vacation is wrapping up and the 34-year-old model spent Friday on the beach with her family. Chrissy reminisced on her first trips to the islands. Black Friday fever is almost upon us, and this year online retailer Amazon is rolling out the deals a whole week early in what will be its 'biggest ever' event. 15-year-old tennis prodigy Cori 'Coco' Gauff, the youngest woman ever to qualify for the draw at Wimbledon, took down Venus Williams in the first round. Some 20 miles north of New York City, a team of scientistsis searching for clues about how the environment is | -0.939167 | -0.113994 | -1.484594 | -1.109099 | [
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Ocasio-Cortez Is Accused of 'Hypocrisy' for Failing to Provide Compensation Coverage for Staffers
Ocasio-Cortez Is Accused of 'Hypocrisy' for Failing to Provide Compensation Coverage for Staffers
Dem socialist's campaign already paid the financial penalty
By Kathryn Blackhurst
Image Credit: Spencer Platt / Getty Images
Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-N.Y.) has branded herself as a progressive working-class champion who is fighting against the political Establishment and big business — someone unafraid and bold enough to even take on members of her own party as she sees fit.
But a report from the New York Daily News on Thursday revealed something else: New York officials have fined the Democratic socialist Ocasio-Cortez for failing to carry her campaign workers' compensation coverage for a month in 2018.
"The employer did not have the required workers' compensation coverage from March 31, 2018, to April 30, 2018, and was issued a final penalty of $1,500, which was paid," New York's Workers Compensation Board spokeswoman Melissa Stewart said of the Ocasio-Cortez campaign, according to the Daily News.
"This coverage is vital to ensuring workers are protected for on-the-job injuries."
New York GOP spokeswoman Jessica Proud told the Daily News that the Ocasio-Cortez campaign's payment omission represented "hypocrisy at its finest."
"The so-called champion of workers, when given her own responsibility, is not following the law. It's unbelievable," said Proud.
The Daily News also spoke with an unnamed Democratic campaign expert who said compensating workers "is basic stuff, especially if you hold yourself out to be the champion of workers."
Because Ocasio-Cortez claimed to be that champion and campaigned on that platform, this is "not a great look" for her at all, the unnamed Democratic strategist warned.
During an interview that aired last Sunday on CBS News' "60 Minutes," CNN anchor and CBS correspondent Anderson Cooper asked Ocasio-Cortez about her efforts to eliminate "the influence of corporate money in politics." He noted that the young lawmaker has "angered some of her colleagues in the House by encouraging primary challenges of Democrats who accept corporate money or oppose progressive policies."
"These are politically dangerous tactics that you're using," Cooper warned.
Ocasio-Cortez replied, "It's absolutely risky. It requires risk to try something new, but also we — we know so much of — of what we've tried in the past hasn't worked, either."
Ocasio-Cortez became a progressive star last summer after she pulled off a stunning upset primary victory against 10-term former Rep. Joe Crowley (D-N.Y.), former chair of the House Democratic Caucus.
She easily won the general election in the November midterms. Ocasio-Cortez is the youngest woman ever elected to Congress and has already been butting heads with her Democratic congressional peers.
Another unfavorable news flash struck Ocasio-Cortez on Friday when Politico published a report called, "Exasperated Democrats try to rein in Ocasio-Cortez."
Related: Whoopi Slams Ocasio-Cortez: Don't Go 'Pooping on People' Until You've Accomplished Something
"Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is already making enemies in the House Democratic Caucus — and some of its members are mounting an operation to bring the anti-Establishment, Democratic socialist with 2.2 million Twitter followers into the fold," Politico noted.
Politico reporters spoke with 20 Democratic lawmakers and aides for the piece.
Rep. Emanuel Cleaver (D-Mo.) told the outlet, "We just don't need sniping in our Democratic Caucus," and that the congresswoman has violated a time-honored House rule: "Don't attack your own people."
Ocasio-Cortez responded to the Politico article on Twitter Friday as she replied to a tweet from civil rights lawyer Cristobal Alex.
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Grants & Education Awards
Gathering of the Guilds
Annual Bead Bazaar
Bead Retreat
Margaret M Scovil PBS Bead Retreat Challenge
Traveling Library Display
Update Member Information
PBS Speak
December - No Meeting
November - Annual Potluck & Holiday Party
October - Melanie Potter
Melanie Potter is an artist/designer teaching unique off-loom seed bead jewelry designs. She is to be aMaster Teacher at the Bead and Button Show 2016.Melanie is also a graphic artist and she professionally illustrates and lays out all her instructions. She was named Designer of the Year 2010 for Beadwork magazine. She also presents Beads on the Vine, a yearly beading experience offered on the California central coast See more about Melanie at www.melaniepotter.com. Her talk will be about the habits she uses in creating symmetry between the demands of creating new design work with her beads while devoting time to her family and friends. She will emphasize her commitment to "meat and potatoes" activities such as exercise and the invaluable habit of cultivating "margin" in her schedule for spontaneous moments. Join Melanie in this presentation that is relevant to cultivating creativity that feels natural to you.
September - Dewayne & Alise LUndmark
The talk was on Geodes, their formation, and a little bit about the difference between geodes and thundereggs. DeWayne spoke about where they are found and some of the mineral formations that are found inside them. There were a variety of opened geodes to view as well as a variety of unopened geodes that the members could purchase and open themselves with the infamous geode cracker!
DeWayne Lundmark is a transplant from Conneticut, and has lived in Oregon for about 25 years. He is a remodeling contractor by trade and also own a business with his wife, Alise, called The 3rd Rock which is where they sell mineral and fossil specimens from all over the world and crack geodes from different localities. They live in the foothills of the coast range in Gaston, Oregon where they have a small farm and raise chickens and turkeys. They also have 3 German Shepherds, 5 cats and rescue exotic birds that need homes; they currently care for 18 parrots.
August - No Meeting
July - No Meeting
June - Potluck & Chair Sale
May - Angela Swedberg & Katie Anderson
Angela Swedberg is a Tribally-Certified Indian Artisan, in compliance with the 1990 Indian Arts and Crafts Act. Angela has been a professional conservator of Native American art for museums, art dealers and collectors for over 25 years. Her expertise is in 19th century bead and quillwork, with an emphasis on Plateau art and Native horse gear. Angela's extensive study of 19th century material has given her an in-depth knowledge of beading and quilling techniques which she also applies to her own historically inspired artworks as well as contemporary expressions. She also works in art glass, using a new medium to add a further dimension to age old art aesthetics she works in.
In the presentation, Katie introduced members to a new project at CCHM and Angela discussed the differing beaded and quilled items currently in the collection of the Clark County Historical Museum. She addressed the ways in which these items were made, as well as what cultural context in which they were created and used in.
Katie Anderson is the Executive Director of the Clark County Historical Museum (CCHM) in Vancouver, WA. In her 16 years of museum work, Katie has handled collection relocations, collections crises (pest infestations, mold and water leaks), start-up museum, e-commerce and Point-of-Sale implementation, marketing campaigns, fundraising campaigns and more. Katie was Executive Director of The Bead Museum in Glendale, Arizona from July 2006 to December 2008. It was there that she learned to bead and develop a deep appreciation for bead history.
April - Alice Scherer
Speaker Description: Alice Scherer is the Founder of the Center for the Study of Beadwork, established in 1989 in Portland, Oregon | 0.188846 | 0.789378 | 0.876646 | -0.640852 | [
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to promote the field of contemporary beadwork. This organization now serves primarily as a base for her independent research in indigenous beading traditions worldwide> She is also currently the Secretary/Treasurer for the Society of Bead Researchers, an international organization devoted to gathering and disseminating bead and beadwork research through its publications The Bead Forum and Beads: Journal of the Society of Bead Researchers. She is also co-author of the seminal book The New Beadwork, which established the "beadwork as an art form" movement in 1992 and has written numerous articles on beadwork for Threads Magazine, Ornament, Fiberarts, and Beadwork Magazine. Additionally she has curated or juried several exhibitions of beads and beadwork around the United States, including the 1986-1989 groundbreaking show The Bead Goes On, a two-and-a-half-year traveling exhibition which was the first serious effort to cover the work of contemporary beadworkers, initiated and managed by Visual Arts Resources at the University of Oregon in Eugene.
Lecture Description: From Basket Making to Beadworking showcased the woven beadwork of indigenous peoples of the greater Pacific Northwest from northern California through Oregon and Washington and into British Columbia and Alaska during the 19th and early 20th centuries. It described the evolution from very early basketry-derived techniques to the point when Western-introduced beading looms and frames and easier, more design-flexible bead embroidery became the dominant forms of beadwork expression throughout much of the region. From Basket Making to Beadworking placed Northwest indigenous beadwork in the context of beadwork worldwide during the 19th century and discusses the importation of beads into the region both during the British and American fur trading eras (1808 to c 1860) and the several-decades-long flood of American pioneers which followed relatively soon thereafter (1842 through about 1890). Each era had its stylistic effect on the native work of the times, as did the types of beads which flowed in. Beadwork from Northeastern Indians came in with the fur trappers and traders, the inspiration of which style of working was later subordinated to designs/methods imported via women pioneers and especially ladies magazines of the day, with further inspiration by printed designs on fabrics and wallpapers, as well as advertising images in newspapers and magazines, as the 19th century drew to a close and our hectic 20th century began.
March - Teresa Sullivan
February - David Vance Horste
"The Stones Cry Out: The Art of Gemstone Nomenclature and Identification"
David V. Horste has been studying rocks and gems since 1976. In the lecture, David spoke about how stones have received their names throughout history and how stones are named today. Varieties of stones and how names evolve and change were explained. The misnaming of stones in the gem trade is an important issue to understand and David covered many stories and examples of this practice. Being able to identify stones and call them by their "correct" names is an art as much as a science, if not more.
David V. Horste of DVHdesigns is a custom lapidary source for designer focal beads and cabochons. He works in semiprecious stone and organic gems (jet, fossil ivory, shell, bone, etc.) along with up-cycled materials such as bowling ball, fordite, and recycled glass. You can see more of his work and find his online shops through his website, www.dvhdesigns.com.
January - Mary Gobbet
Mary Gobet's love of history, fashion, foreign culture and fibers & beads, provides a firm backdrop for being the owner of a vintage clothing/costume shop in Aurora (Imagine that!) and now an event and ecommerce business (Beyond Mirays) - a genre specific to the accessory business. Frequent travels inside the US and to Europe help with research & resources.
Tactile Vision: Our vision can be greatly improved if we introduce the tactile element, which then naturally became the path with which she followed in every art form she attempted - from embroidery through vintage clothing restoration to 3D sculpture to bead emb | 1.205745 | 1.598743 | 1.485344 | 0.589596 | [
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Q: Applying if and & if or with grepl to get multiple responses based on conditions I am trying to create an if-and-or statement with multiple responses.
A sample dataset is as follows (my actual data does not have columns next to each other and has a lot more responses:
hairdf=data.frame(
id=c(1:5),
drug1=c("etoh*","hhh","etoh","hhhh","blank"),
source1=c("no blood","yes","some blood","nothing","blank"),
con1=c("5","6","4","2","0"),
unit1=c("g/l","cm/l","g/km","j/nm","t/mm"),
drug2=c("hhh","etoh*","hhh","etoh","blank"),
source1=c("no ","yes blood","some","nothing","blank"),
con1=c("6","7","8","9","1"),
unit1=c("cm/l","g/km","j/nm","t/mm","g/l"))
I am trying to create 2 new columns that will return the conc and units if 1) drug 1 is etoh or etoh* and source1 has the word blood or if 1) drug 2 is etoh or etoh* and source2 has the word blood.
I have tried the following code but am coming up with an error:
wordetoh <-c("etoh", "etoh*")
hairdf<-hairdf %>%
mutate(etohconc=if_else(
drug1 %in% wordetoh & grepl("blood",source1), con1 |
drug2 %in% wordetoh & grepl("blood",source2), con2,
""))
hairdf<-hairdf %>%
mutate(etohunit=if_else(
drug1 %in% wordetoh & grepl("blood",source1), unit1 |
drug2 %in% wordetoh & grepl("blood",source2), unit 2,
""))
Based on my data, the new columns should have the following responses
etohconc: 5,7,4, blank, blank
etohunit: g/l, g/km, g/km, blank, blank.
A: I'm going to assume that some of the columns in the sample dataset are misnamed and should actually look like this:
hairdf=data.frame(
id=c(1:5),
drug1=c("etoh*","hhh","etoh","hhhh","blank"),
source1=c("no blood","yes","some blood","nothing","blank"),
con1=c("5","6","4","2","0"),
unit1=c("g/l","cm/l","g/km","j/nm","t/mm"),
drug2=c("hhh","etoh*","hhh","etoh","blank"),
source2=c("no ","yes blood","some","nothing","blank"),
con2=c("6","7","8","9","1"),
unit2=c("cm/l","g/km","j/nm","t/mm","g/l"))
It sounds like your situation is one where you don't just have multiple conditions; you want different outcomes depending on those different conditions. For example, I infer that if drug 1 meets the conditions, then you want the concentration and unit of drug 1; but if drug 2 meets the conditions, then you want the concentration and unit of drug 2. if_else() doesn't do this; it takes a single boolean (which can be arbitrarily complex) and returns one of exactly two outcomes: one outcome if the boolean evaluates to true, and another if it evaluates to false.
case_when() is a good option for your situation. (Nested if_else() would work too, but I find case_when() much easier to read.) Give it a series of condition:outcome pairs, and it can handle all three cases you're interested in:
library(tidyverse)
hairdf = hairdf %>%
mutate(etohconc = case_when(drug1 %in% wordetoh & grepl("blood", source1) ~ con1,
drug2 %in% wordetoh & grepl("blood", source2 | -1.380202 | -0.883069 | 0.148745 | 0.118748 | [
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Cher Nude & Sexy (38 Photos + Videos)
Cher, who turns 75 on Thursday, has spent decades turning heads with her deep resonant voice, stage presence, style and humor.
Born Cherilyn Sarkisian on May 20, 1946, in El Centro, California, she began her career as a backup singer for studio recordings.
She came onto the scene in the 1960s, as half of Sonny & Cher. The husband-wife duo gained popularity in 1965 after their song "I Got You Babe" peaked at number one on the U.S. and U.K. charts. By the end of 1967, they had sold 40 million records worldwide and became rock's "it" couple.
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cher/
Cher is an American singer and actress. Called the Goddess of Pop, she is described as embodying female autonomy in a male-dominated industry. She is known for her distinctive contralto singing voice and for having worked in numerous entertainment areas and adopting a variety of styles and appearances during her five-decade-long career.
Cher gained popularity in 1965 as one-half of the folk-rock husband-wife duo Sonny & Cher after their song "I Got You Babe" reached number one on the American and British charts. She began her solo career simultaneously, releasing in 1966 her first million-seller song, "Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)". Cherilyn became a television personality in the 1970s with her shows The Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour, watched by over 30 million viewers weekly during its three-year run, and Cher. She emerged as a fashion trendsetter by wearing elaborate outfits on her television shows. While working on television, she established herself as a solo artist with the U.S. Billboard Hot 100 chart-topping singles "Gypsys, Tramps & Thieves", "Half-Breed", and "Dark Lady". After her divorce from Sonny Bono in 1975, Cher launched a comeback in 1979 with the disco-oriented album Take Me Home and earned $300,000 a week for her 1980–82 residency show in Las Vegas.
In 1982, Cher made her Broadway debut in the play Come Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean and starred in the film adaptation of the same title. She subsequently earned critical acclaim for her performances in films such as Silkwood (1983), Mask (1985), and Moonstruck (1987), for which she won the Academy Award for Best Actress. Cher then revived her musical career by recording the rock-inflected albums Cher (1987), Heart of Stone (1989), and Love Hurts (1991), all of which yielded several successful singles. She reached a new commercial peak in 1998 with the album Believe, whose title track became the biggest-selling single of all time by a female artist in the U.K.; it features the pioneering use of Auto-Tune, also known as the "Cher effect". Her 2002–05 Living Proof: The Farewell Tour became one of the highest-grossing concert tours of all time, earning $250 million. In 2008, she signed a $180 million deal to headline the Colosseum at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas for three years. After seven years of absence, she returned to film in the 2010 musical Burlesque. Cher's first studio album in 12 years, Closer to the Truth (2013), became her highest-charting solo album in the U.S. to date at number three.
Cher has won a Grammy Award, an Emmy Award, an Academy Award, three Golden Globe Awards, a Cannes Film Festival Award, and a special CFDA Fashion Award, among several other honors. Throughout her career, she has sold 100 million records worldwide. She is the only artist to date to have a number-one single on a Billboard chart in each decade from the 1960s to the 2010s. Outside of her music and acting, she is | 1.153697 | 1.032904 | -0.626077 | -0.717593 | [
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ACLU Hawai'i
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ACLU of Hawai'i Report Shows Current Bail Practices Prioritize Wealth Of The Accused Over Risk To The Community
Download the report (PDF, 1.7 MB): ACLU of Hawaii Bail Report
Download the 1-page summary (PDF, 151 KB): Bail Report Summary
Honolulu, Hawai'i: the ACLU of Hawai'i ("ACLU") has released a study showing that almost half of the people in Hawai'i jails are pre-trial detainees who have not been convicted of the crimes for which they've been accused. This preliminary report, called "As Much Justice As You Can Afford – Hawaiiʻs Accused Face an Unequal Bail System," also reveals that the average bail amount in Honolulu for the lowest level felony is over $20,000. This means the primary reason so many people wait in jail for months is because they just cannot afford to get out while waiting for trial. The report is part of an ongoing, statewide investigation and analysis of how bail practices affect our local families and communities.
Legal Director Mateo Caballero said: "Bail is not supposed to be punishment. Bail is supposed to minimize the risk of flight and danger to society while preserving the constitutional rights of the accused. Instead, our early findings show that the way bail is used in Hawai'i does not serve any of these purposes. Instead, bail practices regularly cause people to waive their rights just to get out of jail. That is unjust and violates the constitution."
The preliminary report is based on an analysis of six months of public data and interviews with court officials. It captures a snapshot of how bail is used in Hawaiiʻs criminal justice system, typical outcomes for the accused, and how current practices affect overcrowding of local jails like the O'ahu Community Corrections Center ("OCCC"). An update with a full year of data is planned for late 2018.
Executive Director Joshua Wisch added: "In practice, the way bail works in Hawai'i means that if you're wealthy you get out of jail while you wait for trial, and if you aren't – you don't. Almost half of the people in Hawai'i jails have not been convicted of the crime for which they've been accused – they're only in jail because they can't afford bail. We hope this report will start a discussion about how we can improve this system."
The report follows ACLU community events in Hilo and Honolulu to discuss criminal justice reform concerns. Among the report's findings, which have been provided to legislators, the judiciary, and the administration:
Money is required to bail out about 93% of the time on O'ahu, 88% statewide.
Over 50% of those accused do not post bail, likely because they cannot afford it.
Of the almost 2,200 people held in Hawaii's jails on any given day, about half are pre-trial detainees and they are held at a cost of $146/day per person.
Even if eventually allowed to go free without money bail while awaiting trial, the accused in Hawai'i wait in jail an average of over 90 days before that hearing even happens, when most large counties in the country are able to release arrestees in 15 days or less.
Almost 70% of accused who changed their "not guilty" plea to a "guilty" plea did so while in pretrial custody, raising serious concerns for due process, bias, and fairness.
pdfbail-report-summary.pdf
Search acluhi.org
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United coach Mourinho under pressure ahead of Valencia game
Manchester United manager Jose Mourinho, seen through foam bubbles, wipes his forehead prior the English Premier League soccer match between West Ham United and Manchester United at London Stadium in London in London, England, Saturday, Sept. 29, 2018. (AP Photo/Tim ... more >
By JEROME PUGMIRE - Associated Press - Monday, October 1, 2018
PARIS (AP) - When Jose Mourinho showcased his motivational powers by guiding Inter Milan to the Champions League eight years ago, it cemented his reputation as the most ruthlessly effective coach in Europe.
The "Special One" - as he first called himself - danced with unabashed joy on Barcelona's field and jabbed his finger in celebration after felling Europe's team of the moment on the way to Inter's unexpected success.
It was a massive coup.
But now, following a string of bad results and some high-profile clashes with star midfielder Paul Pogba at Manchester United, his aura is waning and he finds himself firmly on the back foot.
Has Mourinho lost his touch?
Perhaps not yet, but he is under significant pressure heading into Tuesday's home game against Valencia and a loss to the Spanish team could push him nearer an embarrassing United exit.
The good news for Mourinho is that Valencia has won just one game this season, although that was on Saturday. Valencia lacks firepower - mustering five goals so far - and United's defense may get a welcome break after some sloppy performances.
Other coaches have points to prove, too, not the least Mourinho's cross-city rival Pep Guardiola.
City won the Premier League in style last season but has yet to be convincing in Europe, and a home loss to French side Lyon in the opening round of games hardly helped.
Bayern Munich's coach Niko Kovac will also be motivated following a Bundesliga defeat.
Here is a look at the four Champions League groups on Tuesday:
Bayern hosts Dutch side Ajax after losing its Bundesliga lead to Borussia Dortmund.
Bayern was held at home by modest Augsburg before losing Friday at Hertha Berlin, and the players are determined to make amends.
"A week ago you had the impression we were unbeatable. Now a bit of reality has set in," Bayern forward Thomas Mueller said.
Bayern notched seven straight wins under Kovac, and eight would have tied Carlo Ancelotti's record for the best start as Bayern coach.
Kovac gave the players a day off on Sunday ahead of the visit of Ajax, which beat AEK Athens 3-0 in its opening group game, and is led in attack by veteran poacher Klaas-Jan Huntelaar.
Greek champion AEK is at home to Portuguese side Benfica, which lost 2-0 to Bayern in its opener.
Manchester City, the first team to reach 100 points in winning the Premier League in May, has struggled in the Champions League.
The loss at home to Lyon two weeks ago was its fourth straight in the Champions League.
With Guardiola back on the sidelines after serving a one-match UEFA ban, City plays at German club Hoffenheim, which drew its opener at Ukrainian side Shakhtar Donetsk.
Guardiola will again turn to prolific Argentina striker Sergio Aguero.
No City player has played a role in more Champions League goals than Aguero - 26 goals and six assists - and the striker even managed to score in a Premier League win over Brighton on Saturday despite a foot injury.
Lyon's mini-winning streak of three games ended Saturday when it drew 1-1 at home to Nantes.
But with France forward Nabil Fekir in form, Lyon will be confident of beating Shakhtar at home and keeping the top spot.
CSKA Moscow's defenders may be sleeping a little easier ahead of Real Madrid's visit to Russia.
They no longer have to worry about Cristiano Ronaldo, who now plays for Juventus, and Madrid is out of form after just two wins in five matches.
The defending champions are also troubled by injuries.
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Home > Front Line of Defense: The Role of Nurses in Preventing Sentinel Events, 3rd edition
Front Line of Defense: The Role of Nurses in Preventing Sentinel Events, 3rd edition
This first-ever co-publication from The Joint Commission and the American Nurses Association arms frontline nurses, nurse executives, and nurse managers with practical, customer-centric strategies for identifying and preventing the most common sentinel events in hospitals, ambulatory care, behavioral health care, home care, and nursing care centers.
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Written especially for nurses working in a variety of health care settings, Front Line of Defense: The Role of Nurses in Preventing Sentinel Events, Third Edition, identifies the root causes of common sentinel events within the systems and processes of any health care environment. This new and revised edition offers useful, practical guidance on the steps all nurses can take to identify and help prevent sentinel events. This book takes a deep look into what nurses really need to know and provides practical tips to help them fulfill their mission of improving health care quality and patient safety. | 0.160704 | 0.000607 | 1.414329 | 0.148663 | [
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New content in this third edition includes a brand-new chapter on preventing workplace violence, an in-depth look at health-care associated infections, detailed coverage of health information technology and electronic medical record keeping, up-to-date statistics about trends in sentinel events as reported to The Joint Commission, and numerous refreshed sentinel event examples and prevention strategies that illustrate how nurses can and should speak up to help improve patient safety in their organizations. Also featured are The Joint Commission's standards and National Patient Safety Goals and how these relate to nurses' daily work.
This collaborative effort features the work of The Joint Commission and that of the American Nurses Association to celebrate all nurses as advocates for patient safety. It recognizes the nurse's unique role and opportunity to help prevent errors while improving health care for all.
Surgical errors and the role of nurses in ensuring patient safety in perioperative care
Medication errors and the role of nurses in interacting with prescribers and pharmacists in ensuring safe medication use systems
The ongoing problem of patient falls and the role of nurses in identifying those at risk and monitoring and preventing such patients from falls
Heath care-associated infections, and the importance of nurses in preventing and controlling infections
The growing problem of suicide and the role of nurses in assessing and identifying those at risk and protecting those patients from self-harm and suicide
The role of nurses in ensuring maternal and perinatal safety
The effect of workplace violence on nurses and strategies to mitigate and prevent such violence
The most recent data reported to The Joint Commission about common sentinel events, including contributing factors, root cause analyses, and prevention strategies
Connections to Joint Commission standards and National Patient Safety Goals
Real-world examples of sentinel events, near misses, and close calls, all relevant to the nurse's perspective
Sidebars offering in-depth analyses on timely topics
Practical infographics, figures, and tables
All levels of nurses in all types of health care settings, including
Licensed practical and vocational nurses
Advanced practice nurses
Nurse executives and nurse managers
Nurse educators
Standards: Infection Prevention and Control (IC), Leadership (LD), Medication Management (MM), Medical Staff (MS), National Patient Safety Goals (NPSG), Nursing (NR), Provision of Care, Treatment, and Services (PC), Performance Improvement (PI), Rights and Responsibilities of the Individual (RI)
Settings: Hospitals, ambulatory care, behavioral health care, home care, and nursing care centers
Click on the Table of Contents below for details.
Meghan Pillow, MSN, RN, is a freelance medical writer, researching and writing about patient safety issues in health care, as well as a college health nurse who focuses on the health, safety, wellbeing, and academic success of students. Previously, she worked as a critical care nurse at a community hospital in the suburbs of Chicago for ten years. While working in the hospital, she served on the critical care quality improvement committee, creating and revising policies and protocols to improve patient safety. Pillow is a certified critical care registered nurse (CCRN) through the American Association of Critical-Care Nurses. She earned a bachelor of science in nursing from Loyola University Chicago and a master of science in nursing from Chamberlain University; she is currently working to complete the post-master's Family Nurse Practitioner (FNP) certificate at North Park University, in Chicago.
All Joint Commission Resources products require pre-payment. For your convenience, if you do not have a credit card available, we offer a sales quote/proforma invoice option to assist with initiating your payment. Payments submitted by check take up to 14 days to process. If you are registering for a program less than 14 days away, your registration may not be received in time and your seat may not be reserved. You will not have access to electronic program materials until your payment has been received. We strongly recommend credit card payments for any events less than 14 days away.
To take advantage of this option:
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] | 63 | 1,024 | CommonCrawl | 14 | 10 |
Government Watch / Politics
Goodbye Affirmative Action, Hello Individual Freedom and Dignity
Posted Wednesday, November 9, 2022 Nov 9, 2022 | By Outside Contributor | 25 Comments 25
The Supreme Court just heard arguments in the case Students for Fair Admissions v. Harvard and Students for Fair Admissions v. University of North Carolina.
It's about affirmative action — universities using race and ethnicity in their admissions policies.
Students for Fair Admissions argues that both universities violate the U.S. Constitution in their discriminatory admissions policies. They discriminate against Asian Americans in favor of Whites, Blacks and Hispanics and unlawfully discriminate to achieve diversity that could be achieved in a race-neutral fashion.
Consensus is that Students for Fair Admissions will win this case and racial discrimination in university admission programs will be gone.
The decision will likely overturn Grutter v. Bollinger, which, in 2003, authorized universities to discriminate as an input factor in pursuit of diversity goals.
This will be a victory for those who see affirmative action as a mistake of the civil rights movement, inconsistent with its goals and the Constitution.
Let's recall again the words of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. in his great "I Have a Dream Speech" in 1963. "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."
Next year it will be 60 years since that speech. Would King have thought that more than a half-century after he spoke those words that we would be still so far from that dream?
One reason is the Civil Rights Act of 1964, the crown jewel of the movement King led.
The act went way beyond the goal of making discrimination illegal. It was constructed to use government as the means to achieve a just society.
The Equal Employment Opportunities Commission was created, and the door opened for affirmative action, quotas and the acceptance of the principle that it is lawful to discriminate in favor of certain racial groups to achieve social justice.
Not long after came the categorization of the whole American population into racial groups.
By the 1970s, the entire U.S. population was classified by race and ethnicity through a new racial code called Statistical Directive 15.
We were no longer just Americans. Now every American is formally categorized as White, Black, Hispanic, Asian/Pacific Islander and American Indian/Alaskan Native.
Why? We entered a new era in which it was assumed that government force and action were needed achieve social justice, and toward this end, every citizen needed to be put in a racial or ethnic category.
King might as well have said, "I have dream that one day we will categorize every American according to their race and ethnicity and government will use this as basis to decide who should have what."
In the oral arguments in the case against Harvard and UNC, Justice Clarence Thomas questioned what diversity means and achieves. "I've heard the word diversity quite a few times, and I don't have a clue what it means. It seems to mean everything for everyone."
The diversity that really produces benefit in education is diversity of opinion, and Harvard has virtually none. In the most recent annual survey that the Harvard Crimson does of the university faculty of Arts and Science, more than 80% self-identified as "liberal" or "very liberal." Only 1% self-identified as "conservative" and zero as "very conservative."
Chief Justice John Roberts got to the heart of the matter when he observed in Parents Involved v. Seattle in 2007, "The way to stop discrimination on the basis of race is to stop discriminating on the basis of race."
The good news is the Supreme Court seems ready to start turning this around. With the court finding discrimination in college admissions unconstitutional, we'll be taking a major step to restore individual freedom and dignity and end the demeaning, dehumanizing idea of reducing individuals to racial and ethnic categories.
Star Parker is president of the Center for Urban Renewal and Education and host of the weekly television show "Cure America with Star Parker."
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WTF? I never heard that whites are a preference over Asian Americans! Whites are never listed as a category in affirmative action!
Reply to Peter
newyorker.com/news/our-columnists/at-trial-harvards-asian-problem-and-a-preference-for-white-students-from-sparse-country
RyansDad
The court should go full Constitution and state that racial quotas ARE racial discrimination and are therefore unconstitutional! Further, they should outlaw the mention of race in any and all kinds of records. Photos in such records are legitimate, but the category, race, should be eliminated!!
Reply to RyansDad
Please tell me why photos are legitimate.
Huey6367
Can we stop using the made up words race, racism, racist, et. al? We are all the same race with different colored skin.
No Red Wave. But that doesn't discourage me. Politics are like baseball. You play hard win all you can. Learn from your losses.
Steve Bocklage
Thank you Star for your excellent article and insight.
Perhaps it would be best to not list sex, race and perhaps names on applications but a generic number of some kind in hopes of not being able
to do anything but admit the most qualified applicants.
Reply to Marla
That's exactly what I said. Need to keep all personal info out and eligibility info only.
David Naughton
I was thinking the same thing. Maybe applications to college or work places should submit resumes or CVs without names and addresses on them, just a number or alpha-numeric identifier. The document details would be the only deciding factor regarding eligibility.
ReneeM.
Reply to David Naughton
I agree so much it should be wiped out in the academic world as well as in employment. My husband was passed over several times for a promotion. There could have been no other reason than he's white and male. He has years more seniority and way more working knowledge and helps other people when they ask him. These ladies can't answer any questions about the work at all. When they do they usually give wrong information which causes errors and sometimes causes accounts to be written off instead of collected, thus costing the company money. One had only been there six months and couldn't do the job correctly at all. But because of her race and being female she got the job.
That sounds like an appropriate solution to me.
Along with affirmative action they need to get rid of the welfare state (War on Poverty) that has cost taxpayers billions of dollars and done more harm than good.
Reply to Rich
Ding ding ding.Created nothing but lazy and entitlement attitude.
Robin W Boyd
The more hateful Progressives can divide US, the more they have control over US. To be truly free from oppression, we must be united as American citizens first. Ethnic identity is a social issue that we must not let government control.
William Boylan
Reply to Robin W Boyd
Profound in its simplicity, the evasive truth.
Rebecca Reed
In the article stating race categories white is written with a small "w". The rest have captitals. Is this an error? If so please correct. To discuss discrimination and then write "white" small w and then continue next to it "Black" capital b is in itself discrimination.
Mamajae
Reply to Rebecca Reed
They must have corrected it since your comment because I went back 2x to see that error.
Affirmative Action MUST Die or CHANGE to Affirmative Action for WHITE PEOPLE!
I Am an American.PERIOD
Reply to George
Unfortunately even as an "American" which infers being a citizen trying to realize the American Dream, it has become questionable as to what benefit that status has other than getting taxed for everyone else's freebies and handouts or to buy votes.
Patriot Will
Affirmative Action is racist, and those who support favored policies for certain people based on skin color, to artificially boost the blacks to a higher socio- economic status, are highly misguided. America is a fair society that encourages hard work and accomplishments. To give rewards to certain groups of people based on their identities encourages favoritism and entitlement. Favoritism and entitlement are significant enemies of our Constitutional Republic.
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← Dodgers win National League pennant to set up rags vs. riches World Series
Penn State forces Pat Chambers out, resets program just when it was starting to build momentum →
Baseball needs change, but MLB is changing the wrong parts
Posted on October 20, 2020 by Aaron Yorke
Right before the World Series between the Tampa Bay Rays and the Los Angeles Dodgers got started this evening from Arlington, Texas, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred met with the media and talked about possibly making permanent some of the changes he made for the pandemic-shortened 2020 season. Specifically, he mentioned the expanded postseason field and playing extra innings with a runner starting on second base.
"I like the idea of, and I'm choosing my words carefully here, an expanded playoff format," Manfred said. "I don't think we would do 16 like we did this year. I think we do have to be cognizant of making sure that we preserve the importance of our regular season. But I think something beyond the 10 that we were at would be a good change."
With the added runner rule, the longest of 68 games of 10 innings or longer were a pair of 13-inning contests, according to the Elias Sports Bureau.
"I think the players like it," Manfred said. "I think it's really good from a safety and health perspective that keeps us from putting players in situations where they're out there too long or in positions they're not used to playing."
I can't imagine that changes like these would be tough to get approved by the Players Association because players like collecting postseason checks and also like not playing baseball until one o'clock in the morning. As far as what's best for the game, though, I'm not so sure.
The runner-on-second rule did its job by cutting down on marathon games, but it's another move that distracts from baseball's biggest problem: getting through nine innings in fewer than three hours. Once you get into the extra innings, there's tension hanging on every pitch and anyone with an interest in the game in engaged. It's far more concerning when the first two innings take an hour to play and even hard-core fans are dreading the thought of sitting through the rest of the game.
Baseball has to find a way to keep batters in the box and pitchers on the rubber in between pitches, and especially when the bases are empty and there is no runner to worry about. I don't really care if that takes a pitch clock or umpires using strikes and balls to penalize delay of game infractions. Something has to be done because asking fans to commit more than three hours per day, six days per week to their teams is ridiculous.
Plus, if the pitchers have to throw more pitches in a shorter period of time, it could lead to fewer 100 mph pitches, who would mean more contact and more action. Boom. Two birds with one stone.
We don't need extra innings to go faster. We need the first nine innings to go faster.
We don't need more playoff teams. We need a meaningful regular season and a longer Wild Card Series.
— Aaron Yorke (@AaronPYorke) October 20, 2020
As for the postseason, there's no reason to fix what's not broken, except for money, and money is exactly why Manfred wants to expand the postseason. There's nothing wrong with that except that baseball would risk ruining September. Instead of exciting pennant races between good teams, we could get broken, mediocre teams tripping over themselves for a chance to luck into a fluke upset over the best team in baseball during a short series.
That's basically what the NBA is in late March and early April. The bad teams are desperately trying to make up for months of ineptitude and the good teams are tanking in the hope of improving their first round match-up. It's no wonder that time of year is dominated by college hoops and the start of baseball. Yes, September is always going to be known for football season, but sports fans wills still tune into the baseball races on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday nights if the stakes are high enough.
But sure, go ahead and mess up a whole month so you can have baseball March Madness for two days. I didn't see anyone filling out a bracket, although it' | -0.069423 | -0.305255 | -0.416678 | -0.616465 | [
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Print Books New Arrivals 2013: Jul
Print Books New Arrivals July 2013
On Message by Theo Theobald
Call Number: 659.144 THE
Description: Gone are the days of the traditional sales letter. Engaging with global audiences in an increasingly competitive world means that what you say has to be incisive, relevant and delivered in a way that can't be ignored. On Message provides expert guidance to help you keep up with the demands of the newest of new media, build a community and compete with big players. Packed with examples and practical help, it includes: templates; simple formulae for better messaging; practise exercises; review techniques; tips on flexing your writing muscles, and strategies to develop hard-hitting communication. Examining how to capture more followers who listen for longer and more intently, On Message will teach you how to develop your voice, segment your audience for more effective messaging, edit existing copy and engage with new and emerging markets.
Practical Text Mining and Statsitical Analysis for Non-Structured Text Data Applications by Gary Miner; John Elder; Thomas Hill; Robert Nisbet; Dursun Delen; Andrew Fast
Call Number: 006.312 MIN
Description: Practical Text Mining and Statistical Analysis for Non-structured Text Data Applications brings together all the information, tools and methods a professional will need to efficiently use text mining applications and statistical analysis. Winner of a 2012 PROSE Award in Computing and Information Sciences from the Association of American Publishers, this book presents a comprehensive how-to reference that shows the user how to conduct text mining and statistically analyze results. In addition to providing an in-depth examination of core text mining and link detection tools, methods and operations, the book examines advanced preprocessing techniques, knowledge representation considerations, and visualization approaches. Finally, the book explores current real-world, mission-critical applications of text mining and link detection using real world example tutorials in such varied fields as corporate, finance, business intelligence, genomics research, and counterterrorism activities. The world contains an unimaginably vast amount of digital information which is getting ever vaster ever more rapidly. This makes it possible to do many things that previously could not be done: spot business trends, prevent diseases, combat crime and so on. Managed well, the textual data can be used to unlock new sources of economic value, provide fresh insights into science and hold governments to account. As the Internet expands and our natural capacity to process the unstructured text that it contains diminishes, the value of text mining for information retrieval and search will increase dramatically.
Regimes of Narcissism, Regimes of Despair by Ashis Nandy
Call Number: 320.954 NAN
Description: A polymath of our time, Ashis Nandy's writings and arguments have enriched our thinking for over four decades. Unafraid to walk a difficult terrain, he is one of the most radical public intellectuals of our time. In this book Nandy talks about a new India, where the fate of the country is largely decided by its political culture that has become the domain of two predominant psychological states: narcissism and despair. Looking at the nationalism of Gandhi and Tagore, Savarkar, and Madanlal Pahwa, and cultural psychology, terror and counter-terror, humiliation and human degradation, happiness, and modernity and the sense of loss, the essays open up the future for the next generation of intellectuals and political activists in India and in other societies.
The Oxford History of Contemporary Indian Business by Dwijendra Tripathi; Jyoti Jumani
Call Number: 381.0954 TRI
Description: No other period in the entire history of India ever witnessed such momentous developments, affecting so profoundly the life of its people as the half century that followed the end of British colonialism. Business was one realm that experienced a great deal of upheavals. This book provides acomprehensive analysis of the making of modern business and the modern business class, covering the period from 1947 to the present times. Linking socio-economic and political changes to shifts in the business climate and policies of the country, it provides the first in-depth narrative of businessin post-colonial India.The book covers a vast canvas-from industrial licensing and planned economy, | 0.920852 | 0.373057 | 1.465054 | 0.440017 | [
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to the experiments in cooperative undertakings, and the opening up of the Indian economy and liberalization. The book also covers several new and emerging areas in business history including the rise of business educationand a new managerial class, technological autonomy, and corporate citizenship.
Financial Management Practices by P. K. Jain; Shveta Singh; Surendra Singh Yadav
Call Number: 658.150954 JAI
Description: Financial management practices are likely to have a marked effect on the financial performance of a corporate enterprise. Therefore, sound financial decisions/practices can contribute towards meeting the desired objective of having profitable operations. This subject assumes paramount significance in view of the present dynamic and turbulent business environment, which has produced more intense competition and smaller profit margins across the world. In this context, the financial management practices of the corporates in India, a country with a vast potential for economic growth, can offer valuable insights. The present study explores whether there has been a major change in the financial performance (measured in terms of profitability) and financial policies/decisions of the sample companies over a fixed period (2000-2001 to 2010-2011), with a special focus on pre and post-recession analysis. It delves deeper into current research areas such as zero working capital, real options in capital budgeting, pecking order in capital structures, and clause 49 as reflected in the financial management decisions of sample companies, and provides a broader perspective by identifying trends (if any) in certain aspects of financial decision-making over the past two decades. A comprehensive study, covering all the major aspects of financial management practices, also contains an inter-sectoral study (among the sample companies) and develops an index of professionalism in financial management based on the practices of the sample companies. The book is primarily targeted at teachers/students of finance, management, commerce, accounting and related professional disciplines/fields. Practitioners/professionals will find it an invaluable text that helps guide them to better decision-making.
Crash and Beyond by Andrew Farlow
Call Number: 330.90511 FAR
Description: In 2008, the world was plunged into a financial and economic crash. This book explores the roots of the crash, including the build-up of global economic imbalances, the explosion in the use of novel financial instruments, the mismanagement of risk, and the specific roles played by housing and debt. It reviews the evidence that on the eve of the crash all was not well and that many political and finance industry leaders ignored the dangers. The key events of the crash are described, and the main amplification mechanisms explained. An economics lens is used to dissect the bank rescue, paying particular attention to the hidden ways in which it worked, who will ultimately bear the costs, and to what degree new risks were created. The book evaluates the fiscal and monetary policies used to rescue economies, efforts to tackle unemployment, proposals for dealing with collapsing housing markets, austerity and the battles over long-term sovereign debt, the Eurozone crash, and the risks of future economic instability. It reviews reform-of mortgage markets, monetary policy, and banking-designed to make such disasters less likely in future. Written before, during, and in the years immediately after the crash, it is an engaging chronicle and comprehensive analysis of the events and thinking of these years. The book's arguments take on added authority given that the author had identified, and called attention to, key features of the crash before it happened.
Asia in the Making of Europe by Donald F. Lach
Call Number: 909.098 LAC
Description: Praised for its scope and depth, Asia in the Making of Europe is the first comprehensive study of Asian influences on Western culture. For volumes I and II, the author has sifted through virtually every European reference to Asia published in the sixteenth-century; he surveys a vast array of writings describing Asian life and society, the images of Asia that emerge from those writings, and, in turn, the reflections of those images in European literature and art. This monumental achievement reveals profound and pervasive influences of Asian societies on developing Western culture; in doing so, it provides a perspective necessary for a balanced view of world history. Volume I: The Century of Discovery brings together "everything that | 0.998924 | 1.41968 | 2.073752 | 1.284162 | [
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a European could know of India, Southeast Asia, China, and Japan, from printed books, missionary reports, traders' accounts and maps" (The New York Review of Books). Volume II: A Century of Wonder examines the influence of that vast new body of information about Asia on the arts, institutions, literatures, and ideas of sixteenth-century Europe.
Research Methods in Educational Leadership and Management by Marlene Morrison (Editor); Ann Briggs (Editor); Marianne Coleman (Editor)
Call Number: 371.20072 BRI
Description: This classic guide continues to be the leading Research Methods text that specifically deals with Educational Leadership and Management. The collection boasts an array of high-profile international expert contributors, covering a wide range of specialisms, emphasising the importance of the critically engaged practitioner. Accessible and user-friendly, this edition has been fully revised and updated to take full account of online research. It features new authors, more case studies and examples, and brand new chapters on: - research Design - grounded research - ethnography - discourse analysis - narrative / Life history - student voice Whether you are postgraduate, an academic, or a practitioner researcher, if you are investigating Research Methods, Leadership & Management or Educational Research, this is the book you will need.
Capital Flows and Exchange Rate Management by Soumyen Sikdar
Call Number: 332.0424 SIK
Description: The Oxford India Short Introductions are concise, stimulating, and accessible guides to different aspects of India. Combining authoritative analysis, new ideas, and diverse perspectives, they discuss subjects which are topical yet enduring, as also emerging areas of study and debate. Integration with the global economy has opened India to cross-border flows of not merely goods and services, but also financial capital. India is now a preferred destination among the emerging market economies for foreign investors. Is this transition necessarily beneficial for the Indian economy? What are its consequences and how is it to be regulated? How has the Indian economy successfully averted a financial crisis in the era of economic liberalization, unlike many other developing economies? This short introduction provides answers to questions such as these by analysing the basic forces driving capital flows, their impact on the exchange rate, and their implications for foreign reserves and domestic money supply. It will be a vital guide for students of economics, finance, and management, as well as general readers interested in the prospects of the Indian economy.
The Standard of Review in WTO Dispute Settlement by Ross Becroft
Call Number: 382.92 BEC
Description: This detailed book critiques how the World Trade Organization scrutinizes domestic measures to determine compliance with the WTO Agreements. This scrutiny, known as the standard of review, is particularly relevant when WTO panels are examining measures involving controversial domestic policy issues. The author argues that the current WTO standard of review is inadequate and a flexible standard based on the responsibilities that WTO members have retained for themselves under the WTO Agreements is preferable. This new standard of review would better reflect the autonomy contemplated for members under the WTO rules and reduce scope for the contention that the WTO overreaching its mandate.This work provides a foundation for mediating relations between states and the WTO, and similar international organisations. It will be of great interest to scholars and practitioners in the fields of law and international relations with an interest in international economic law, the WTO or international organisations in general.
Money, Banking and Financial Markets by Cecchetti
Call Number: 332 CEC
Description: Cecchetti's 'Money, Banking, and Financial Markets' offers a fresh, modern, and more student-friendly approach to the subject. Students will find the material more relevant and interesting because of the book's unique emphasis on the five core principles, the early introduction of risk, and an integrated global perspective.
Banking Strategy, Credit Appraisal, and Lending Decisions by Hrishikes Bhattacharya
Call Number: 332.1068 BHA
Description: Banks and financial institutions are faced with two apparently conflicting phenomena--interest rate deregulation on the one hand and capital adequacy requirements and prudential norms on the other. In such a situation, these institutions need to work out a strategic framework which must evolve around | 0.737316 | 0.522575 | 2.104187 | 1.060444 | [
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the profit objective so as to build up quality loan-assets portfolios and to ensure adequate capital growth. This book provides a comprehensive analysis of lending strategies, credit appraisal, risk analysis, and lending decisions within the overall objectives of a lending organization. This revised edition takes into account recent global developments in the banking sector as well as changes in the notion of banking. It includes three new chapters in which the author discusses topical issues such as the impact of capital regulation on the risk attitude and profitability of banks, strategies to protect banks from a liquidity crisis, and the need of a portfolio approach in developing models for credit exposure and loan management within a risk-return framework. Providing a logical framework along with examples of practical applications and case studies, this book imparts students and professionals with required skills necessary to develop the expertise needed to manage finance and credit in banking and elsewhere in the financial sector.
Trade-Off by Kevin Maney; Jim Collins (Foreword by)
Call Number: 338.064 MAN
Description: A Fresh and Important New Way to Understand Why We Buy Why did the RAZR ultimately ruin Motorola? Why does Wal-Mart dominate rural and suburban areas but falter in large cities? Why did Starbucks stumble just when it seemed unstoppable? The answer lies in the ever-present tension between fidelity (the quality of a consumer's experience) and convenience (the ease of getting and paying for a product). In Trade-Off, Kevin Maney shows how these conflicting forces determine the success, or failure, of new products and services in the marketplace. He shows that almost every decision we make as consumers involves a trade-off between fidelity and convenience–between the products we love and the products we need. Rock stars sell out concerts because the experience is high in fidelity-–it can't be replicated in any other way, and because of that, we are willing to suffer inconvenience for the experience. In contrast, a downloaded MP3 of a song is low in fidelity, but consumers buy music online because it's superconvenient. Products that are at one extreme or the other–those that are high in fidelity or high in convenience–-tend to be successful. The things that fall into the middle-–products or services that have moderate fidelity and convenience-–fail to win an enthusiastic audience. Using examples from Amazon and Disney to People Express and the invention of the ATM, Maney demonstrates that the most successful companies skew their offerings to either one extreme or the other-–fidelity or convenience-–in shaping products and building brands.
Walmart by Bryan Roberts; Natalie Berg
Call Number: 658.879 ROB
Description: Walmart provides a detailed assessment of the world's largest retailer that forever changed the face of retailing. The book examines Walmart's successes, failures, and whether it can stay ahead for the next 50 years. Despite being a source for best practice in procurement, logistics, systems and store format innovation, the retail giant is now facing several issues that affect its future development. Starting from its inception in rural Arkansas in 1962, this objective analysis of Walmart's history addresses the rapid change of retail, including the rise of e-commerce and multi-channel retailing; Walmart International and its 'everyday low prices' philosophy; the saturation of the superstore format, and much more. In a time of rapid change, will the world's largest retailer be able to reconfigure? Walmart provides the necessary insights for retailers, advertisers, other business professionals and students to understand how Walmart became a retail giant, the lessons that can be learned, and what is in store for the future.
Introduction to Statistical Mediation Analysis by David P. MacKinnon
Call Number: 519.536 MAC
Description: This volume introduces the statistical, methodological, and conceptual aspects of mediation analysis. Applications from health, social, and developmental psychology, sociology, communication, exercise science, and epidemiology are emphasized throughout. Single-mediator, multilevel, and longitudinal models are reviewed. The author's goal is to help the reader apply mediation analysis to their own data and understand its limitations. Each chapter features an overview, numerous worked examples, a summary, and exercises (with answers to the odd numbered questions). The accomp | 0.655135 | 0.232493 | 1.698388 | 0.82632 | [
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] | 69 | 3,072 | CommonCrawl | 15 | 4 |
Available from www.smokewire.com in a 3.9" Sherlock-style bubbler pipe, this concealable bubbler is perfect for at home or on the go. Priced at $35.95, the Sherlock bubbler is sure to satisfy with its smooth rips and flavor-capturing style. Like many of their products, this trusty piece is composed of only the highest quality borosilicate glass that has been fumed with silver for added visual appeal. Using double-blown glass, this bubbler is sure to be reliable and durable for minor falls or collisions. The color of this illustrious piece change with different lighting and increased resin build-up, often showing off brilliant and deep green, purple, blue, maroon and silver colors.
Constructed in a craftsman's style, the glass used for these pipes is slowly cooled causing increased strength, durability and reliability. Easy to use, this bubbler is not only portable but can easily be smoked using one or two hands. Many like to use cold water when smoking out of these bubblers, as this tends to make for a much smoother toke, similar to adding ice to a bong.
Sherlock Bubbler 1.95 out of 5 based on 22 ratings. 16 user reviews.
N othing tickels my fancy more that a good Sherlock bubbler.
Never tried this one personally, but the looks intrigue me enough to want to give it a toke.
Love this little baby, it is handy, easy to store and smokes like a dream. It helps me to stretch the amount of medicine to a far greater length. LOVE It.
I have always enjoyed smoking a good sherlock bubbler or a pipe. The bend in the design gives me a sophisticated feeling, and the cooling of the water in the bubbler makes hits amazingly smooth. You have to make sure to keep anything sherlock very clean because the bend in the bubbler/pipe will get dirty quickly and clog. I am sure you keep your bubbler clean if you are serious about your marijuana smoking anyways but I am just stating the obvious. I have found my sherlock pipe to extra durable and always gets comments of how awesome it is, I recommend you go out and buy yourself a sherlock piece of some sort soon, you will not regret it.
I have a sherlock bubble and I like how it is smoother than a pipe but I find it really hard to keep from getting clogged. I used that Orange Chronic cleaner stuff and I still can't get Watson clean. I have always liked the sherlock style because it fits easily into a purse and it is like 2-in-1 because when you can't get water you can still use it, and the hits aren't super harsh. I think that the water gets dirty a lot faster but as long as you change it after each use it shouldn't be a problem.
A wonderful alternative to a mini-bong, the Sherlock bubbler is a necessity in any collection. They're portable, they clean the smoke up perfectly, and they don't break NEARLY as easily as a bong might. Just don't tilt it like an idiot, and you won't run into any problems.
I used to have a couple of Sherlock bubblers, they were really cool. I enjoyed the feel of a wizard pipe with the effects of water. Honestly, I would recommend these to anybody who wants a good mobile water pipe, the only drawback on these guys is that they are hard to clean and fill correctly. At least with the color changing pipes, once they become solid, its often hard to find the water line and I have gotten many mouthfuls of putrid water from making this common mistake. Other than that, I would say these are ideal little pieces for the average smoker.
I don't own one of these little sweet bongs but my friend does, she won't use anything else.I can say when we've shared it was a real treat, I don't like the flame of a lighter near my face and this was a perfect solution. Probably will get me one when I can, I liked the way it smoked.
This is really cool looking. I have yet to get the chance and try one of the Sherlock pipes and haven't seen any around, but when I do I will be buying it.
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] | 72 | 0 | C4 | 4 | 1 |
다음 코드 예제 마우스의 경로 그릴 다른 마우스 이벤트를 사용 하는 방법을 보여 줍니다는 Panel합니다.The following code example demonstrates using different mouse events to draw the path of the mouse on a Panel. 선 세그먼트에 추가 되는 GraphicsPath 각각에 대해 MouseMove 및 MouseDown 발생 하는 이벤트입니다.A line segment is added to the GraphicsPath for each MouseMove and MouseDown events that occur. 그래픽을 업데이트 하는 Invalidate 메서드를 호출 합니다 Panel 각 MouseDown 및 MouseUp 이벤트입니다.To update the graphics, the Invalidate method is called for the Panel on each MouseDown and MouseUp event. 그래픽 경로 위나 아래로 때 스크롤되는 또한는 MouseWheel 이벤트가 발생 합니다.In addition, the graphic path is scrolled up or down when the MouseWheel event occurs. 와 같은 추가 마우스 이벤트가 MouseHover, 화면에서 식별 됩니다.Additional mouse events, like MouseHover, are identified on screen as well. 마우스에 대 한 추가 정보는 화면에 표시 된 SystemInformation 클래스입니다.Also displayed on the screen is additional information about the mouse from the SystemInformation class.
// Set up how the form should be displayed and add the controls to the form.
// Displays information about the system mouse.
// Update the mouse event label to indicate the MouseEnter event occurred.
// Update the mouse event label to indicate the MouseHover event occurred.
// Update the mouse event label to indicate the MouseLeave event occurred.
// Update the mouse path that is drawn onto the Panel.
// Update the drawing based upon the mouse wheel scrolling.
// Show the number of clicks in the path graphic.
// Perform the painting of the Panel.
// Clear the Panel display.
' Summary description for Form1.
' Set up how the form should be displayed and add the controls to the form.
Me.Text = "Mouse Event Example"
' Display information about the system mouse.
' Update the mouse event label to indicate the MouseEnter event occurred.
label1.Text = sender.GetType().ToString() + ": MouseEnter"
' Update the mouse event label to indicate the MouseHover event occurred.
label1.Text = sender.GetType().ToString() + ": MouseHover"
' Update the mouse event label to indicate the MouseLeave event occurred.
label1.Text = sender.GetType().ToString() + ": MouseLeave"
' Update the mouse path that is drawn onto the Panel.
' Update the drawing based upon the mouse wheel scrolling.
' Show the number of clicks in the path graphic.
' Perform the painting of the Panel.
' Clear the Panel display.
에 대 한 다음과 같은 이벤트가 발생 하지 않습니다는 TabControl 하나 이상의 경우가 아니라면 클래스 TabPage 에 TabControl.TabPages 컬렉션: Click, DoubleClick, MouseDown, MouseUp, MouseHover, MouseEnter, MouseLeave 고 MouseMove입니다.The following events are not raised for the TabControl class unless there is at least one TabPage in the TabControl.TabPages collection: Click, DoubleClick, MouseDown, MouseUp, MouseHover, MouseEnter, MouseLeave and MouseMove. 하나 이상 있으면 TabPage 컬렉션에 탭 컨트�� | -1.760972 | -1.878658 | -0.625581 | -0.520539 | [
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] | 74 | 0 | C4 | 12 | 5 |