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nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a good day I think to talk about HINDUISM. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HINDUISM COMICS! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In Hinduism, there are many gods and aspects of gods, and many of these divinities are sexual. It's true! Some even have sex in the woods with regular mortals just for the fun of it! In conclusion, Hinduism is a famous religion, plus, sexual congress. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What?! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Man, leave it to you to take a great religion and focus ENTIRELY on the sexy bits. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I do that with all major world religions though! For example, Christianity? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Mary Magdalene? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Eh? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For instance! Is history the story of progress, from savage to cultured Man? Is |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a good day I think to talk about HINDUISM. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HINDUISM COMICS! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In Hinduism, there are many gods and aspects of gods, and many of these divinities are sexual. It's true! Some even have sex in the woods with regular mortals just for the fun of it! In conclusion, Hinduism is a famous religion, plus, sexual congress. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What?! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Man, leave it to you to take a great religion and focus ENTIRELY on the sexy bits. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I do that with all major world religions though! For example, Christianity? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Mary Magdalene? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Eh? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Some religious scholars believe she and the historical Jesus were more than "just friends"? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what would answer the very important question of "who is the manliest?" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] None other than a manliness contest! Heck yes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, I'm so manly that I crack open walnuts for old ladies with my pectoral muscles! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Oh yeah? I'M so manly that I manage my emotional output, plus I swim all the way up waterfalls! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We both understand we're using manliness as an archetype, and that your claims to manliness do not reflect upon your ideas of femininity, or of normative gender. In any case! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm so manly that I pound nails into the wall with my bare hands! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Oh yeah? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well I'M so manly that I use my bare hands to pound them out from the other side! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh yeah? Well I'M so manly that I do that too, WHILE IMPREGNATING MY GIRLFRIEND. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pretty manly! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We're going to |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what would answer the very important question of "who is the manliest?" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] None other than a manliness contest! Heck yes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, I'm so manly that I crack open walnuts for old ladies with my pectoral muscles! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Oh yeah? I'M so manly that I manage my emotional output, plus I swim all the way up waterfalls! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We both understand we're using manliness as an archetype, and that your claims to manliness do not reflect upon your ideas of femininity, or of normative gender. In any case! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm so manly that I pound nails into the wall with my bare hands! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Oh yeah? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well I'M so manly that I use my bare hands to pound them out from the other side! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh yeah? Well I'M so manly that I do that too, WHILE IMPREGNATING MY GIRLFRIEND. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pretty manly! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] AND pretty consequential! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ah, solipsism. The belief that only one's self exists! Everything and everyone else are just a projection of my imagination. I made them up! Who invented all the arts and sciences? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why, Apparently, it's me - T-Rex! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Okay, but if this is the case, why do you imagine a world for yourself in which people's ice cream cones can fall in the dirt? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Probably I just want to make things more interesting! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] And I guess all the pain and death in the world is also just to make things more interesting? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That makes me sound pretty messed up, but yeah! I guess! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But you do admit you don't have control over the entire universe, right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I can't make you dance, that's true! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Right! So part of your mind you can't control (your unconscious) must be at work there. But since you can't control it, it's effectively external, right? So the rest of the universe is still external to you! You haven't gained anything by imagining it's all in your head. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dude, I gain the knowledge that if I die, the rest of the universe dies with me. Woo hoo! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Are you hiding beneath this |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ah, solipsism. The belief that only one's self exists! Everything and everyone else are just a projection of my imagination. I made them up! Who invented all the arts and sciences? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why, Apparently, it's me - T-Rex! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Okay, but if this is the case, why do you imagine a world for yourself in which people's ice cream cones can fall in the dirt? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Probably I just want to make things more interesting! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] And I guess all the pain and death in the world is also just to make things more interesting? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That makes me sound pretty messed up, but yeah! I guess! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But you do admit you don't have control over the entire universe, right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I can't make you dance, that's true! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Right! So part of your mind you can't control (your unconscious) must be at work there. But since you can't control it, it's effectively external, right? So the rest of the universe is still external to you! You haven't gained anything by imagining it's all in your head. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dude, I gain the knowledge that if I die, the rest of the universe dies with me. Woo hoo! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] (This makes me super important!) |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utilitarianism is an ethical system in which you always act to minimize pain and increase happiness! This is the perfect system for me, as I am ALL ABOUT increasing happiness. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] UTILITARIANISM COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, I am crushing this house because, holy, what if the people inside are really sad about something? By smushing them, I increase net happiness on the planet over the long term, because they won't be sad anymore, ALSO, stomping makes me happy. Net happiness: increased! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I don't think that's fair! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We could debate it, but that might make me very sad. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You must realize that this isn't a fair application of utilitarianism, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I must? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yes! Although, you DO raise some of the fundamental problems with the theory: there's no pleasure calculus to measure happiness, especially not one that can take into account the long-term consequences of our actions. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I like this phrase, "pleasure calculus". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've also retroconned my name to be |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utilitarianism is an ethical system in which you always act to minimize pain and increase happiness! This is the perfect system for me, as I am ALL ABOUT increasing happiness. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] UTILITARIANISM COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, I am crushing this house because, holy, what if the people inside are really sad about something? By smushing them, I increase net happiness on the planet over the long term, because they won't be sad anymore, ALSO, stomping makes me happy. Net happiness: increased! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I don't think that's fair! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We could debate it, but that might make me very sad. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You must realize that this isn't a fair application of utilitarianism, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I must? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yes! Although, you DO raise some of the fundamental problems with the theory: there's no pleasure calculus to measure happiness, especially not one that can take into account the long-term consequences of our actions. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I like this phrase, "pleasure calculus". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Is it truly as erotic as advertised? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMPRESSED PORNOGRAPHY COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh oh. . . [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Cover your eyes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Alright, I'm a plumber come to "fix your pipes" but you have no money! Also you're Asian. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Is there no way I can pay you? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Perhaps through... sexual intercourse? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER. . . [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Whew! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That was graphic! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Can I borrow a cup of sugar? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait... why do you need sugar? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's a pretense for a scene of cooking-themed sex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh my goodness! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER. . . [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Since when do you smoke? |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMPRESSED PORNOGRAPHY COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh oh. . . [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Cover your eyes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Alright, I'm a plumber come to "fix your pipes" but you have no money! Also you're Asian. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Is there no way I can pay you? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Perhaps through... sexual intercourse? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER. . . [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Whew! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That was graphic! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Can I borrow a cup of sugar? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait... why do you need sugar? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's a pretense for a scene of cooking-themed sex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh my goodness! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER. . . [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Is this the face of |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX HAS AUDITIONED FOR A PLAY. HE BELIEVES THE AUDITION WENT WELL, BUT HAS NOT BEEN AWARDED A PART. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LET'S WATCH! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Rejected?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The heck?! I was way better than most of the people there! It's discrimination! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Aww, I'm sorry, T-Rex! But how do you know it's discrimination? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I was told that "someone of my *ahem* 'stature' didn't belong under stage lights". For crying out loud! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm sorry too, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's so aggravating! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They wanted a short orange guy and I gave them a tall green guy, and they threw me to the curb! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I understand, and it's difficult to deal with! But sometimes actors do have to look the part they're playing. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER T-REX GOES OUT TO DINNER WITH FRIENDS: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, so, turns out I might be dead someday. |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX HAS AUDITIONED FOR A PLAY. HE BELIEVES THE AUDITION WENT WELL, BUT HAS NOT BEEN AWARDED A PART. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LET'S WATCH! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Rejected?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The heck?! I was way better than most of the people there! It's discrimination! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Aww, I'm sorry, T-Rex! But how do you know it's discrimination? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I was told that "someone of my *ahem* 'stature' didn't belong under stage lights". For crying out loud! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm sorry too, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's so aggravating! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They wanted a short orange guy and I gave them a tall green guy, and they threw me to the curb! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I understand, and it's difficult to deal with! But sometimes actors do have to look the part they're playing. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER T-REX GOES OUT TO DINNER WITH FRIENDS: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That was muchas delicious but did little to resolve |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How come everything's so EXPENSIVE? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Seriously everyone! How come? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Everything's not THAT expensive, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't know, Dromiceiomimus, everything seems pretty expensive to me! It's becoming clear though that my sense of what a good deal is froze when I was about fourteen years old. Inflation since then causes my sense of being ripped off to increase daily! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're going to be a crotchety old man, my friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, it's already begun! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Look at me, I'm complaining about the present by comparing it to how things were back in my day! I'm stereotypically OLD, Utahraptor. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How does it feel? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Great, actually! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I feel like eating food carefully AND interacting with technology in ways that would be embarrassing to any younger people I'm with! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I ACTUALLY HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THAT |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How come everything's so EXPENSIVE? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Seriously everyone! How come? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Everything's not THAT expensive, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't know, Dromiceiomimus, everything seems pretty expensive to me! It's becoming clear though that my sense of what a good deal is froze when I was about fourteen years old. Inflation since then causes my sense of being ripped off to increase daily! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're going to be a crotchety old man, my friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, it's already begun! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Look at me, I'm complaining about the present by comparing it to how things were back in my day! I'm stereotypically OLD, Utahraptor. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How does it feel? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Great, actually! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I feel like eating food carefully AND interacting with technology in ways that would be embarrassing to any younger people I'm with! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] (Thereby fulfilling the stereotype as I understand |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HOW TO BE PATRONIZING [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh shoot, it's so easy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] AND so fun! AND a recipe for a one-man party! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, so the first secret to being patronizing is to react to everything people do with an aloof amusement, as if it's so PRECIOUS that they did something all on their own. Aren't you just so SPECIAL, Dromiceiomimus? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Nobody wants to be patronized to, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw, sure they do, Dromiceiomimus! Here, let me give you a pat on the head. You've earned it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Another great secret is to call people "Champ". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Seriously, T-Rex. Knock it off. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What's up, Champ? Something bothering you? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] God damn it, you're making everyone angry. Why are you even doing this in the first place? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Don't you worry about it, Champ! Here, have some Lego. If you try super hard, you can get some to stick together! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I try, but it's everwhere! Even not on Star Trek! |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HOW TO BE PATRONIZING [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh shoot, it's so easy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] AND so fun! AND a recipe for a one-man party! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, so the first secret to being patronizing is to react to everything people do with an aloof amusement, as if it's so PRECIOUS that they did something all on their own. Aren't you just so SPECIAL, Dromiceiomimus? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Nobody wants to be patronized to, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw, sure they do, Dromiceiomimus! Here, let me give you a pat on the head. You've earned it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Another great secret is to call people "Champ". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Seriously, T-Rex. Knock it off. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What's up, Champ? Something bothering you? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] God damn it, you're making everyone angry. Why are you even doing this in the first place? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Don't you worry about it, Champ! Here, have some Lego. If you try super hard, you can get some to stick together! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aww, don't worry Champ! Not everyone gets it on their |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway, forget infinite time! I have a better idea. What if this universe is just one . . . of many? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, people have had my awesome idea before. BUT! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] BUT, my idea is actually DIFFERENT. Because what if these universes all exist at once, right now, regularly spaced throughout an inifinitely-huge multiverse? Instead of infinite time, infinite space. Then trillions and trillions of kilometres away from me in every direction is another universe, with another me! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Infinite high fives all around! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think this idea has been put forward before, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? Not again! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah, the idea of multiple universes is so popular, I'm pretty sure EVERY theory that's at least borderline probable has been put forward before. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Friggin' scientists! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How do they come up with all my ideas before I even articulate them? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's symptomatic of the Fever. |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway, forget infinite time! I have a better idea. What if this universe is just one . . . of many? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, people have had my awesome idea before. BUT! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] BUT, my idea is actually DIFFERENT. Because what if these universes all exist at once, right now, regularly spaced throughout an inifinitely-huge multiverse? Instead of infinite time, infinite space. Then trillions and trillions of kilometres away from me in every direction is another universe, with another me! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Infinite high fives all around! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think this idea has been put forward before, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? Not again! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah, the idea of multiple universes is so popular, I'm pretty sure EVERY theory that's at least borderline probable has been put forward before. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Friggin' scientists! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How do they come up with all my ideas before I even articulate them? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] These guys are on the |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Who is the best at eatin' cupcakes? The probable answer is T-Rex, because my goodness I ate seven cupcakes yesterday all in a row! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And guys I wasn't even trying that hard! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Wow! If that's the case, you're better at it than me! I start to feel sick after about five. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ah, Dromiceiomimus, that's actually "better at it than I". An easy way to remember is to include the "to be" verb you're dropping: "better at it than I am" sounds right, while "better at it than me am" does not! Easy! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Geez, that was kind of rude, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It wasn't meant to be! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah, but it was. Correcting people's grammar in conversation is difficult to do without sounding like a jerk! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's true! Plus, you've got to be eternally vigilant with your own grammar, lest you mess up yourself. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And yet, I do it freely!! That's because I live on the edge, Utahraptor. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh my goodness I just figured out what I was meant to do with my life. |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Who is the best at eatin' cupcakes? The probable answer is T-Rex, because my goodness I ate seven cupcakes yesterday all in a row! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And guys I wasn't even trying that hard! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Wow! If that's the case, you're better at it than me! I start to feel sick after about five. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ah, Dromiceiomimus, that's actually "better at it than I". An easy way to remember is to include the "to be" verb you're dropping: "better at it than I am" sounds right, while "better at it than me am" does not! Easy! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Geez, that was kind of rude, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It wasn't meant to be! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah, but it was. Correcting people's grammar in conversation is difficult to do without sounding like a jerk! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's true! Plus, you've got to be eternally vigilant with your own grammar, lest you mess up yourself. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And yet, I do it freely!! That's because I live on the edge, Utahraptor. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's because, some days, I take an envelope out of hte box and I PUSH IT. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think I put too much symbolism into random encounters with people I meet on the street! I see them as a microcosm for larger society. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is a problem with me! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FOR EXAMPLE: the other day I saw some kids who had dropped their bag of marbles. It was a stereotypical image of childhood! But when I stopped to help them pick them up, they said, "No, don't touch them please." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ouch, man! What went wrong? Can we no longer trust a stranger's helping hand? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Sure we can, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, these kids couldn't! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My mood was off for the rest of the day because of it. I was worrying about communities and stuff! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] This IS the danger in seeing kids as symbols rather than as real people who just want to pick up their own marbles. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX DECIDES TO SOLVE ALL HIS PROBLEMS BY FOUNDING HIS OWN UTOPIAN COMMUNITY: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's actually been on my to-do list for a while now, if you can believe that. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Occam's razor, people! OCCAM'S RAZOR. |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think I put too much symbolism into random encounters with people I meet on the street! I see them as a microcosm for larger society. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is a problem with me! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FOR EXAMPLE: the other day I saw some kids who had dropped their bag of marbles. It was a stereotypical image of childhood! But when I stopped to help them pick them up, they said, "No, don't touch them please." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ouch, man! What went wrong? Can we no longer trust a stranger's helping hand? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Sure we can, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, these kids couldn't! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My mood was off for the rest of the day because of it. I was worrying about communities and stuff! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] This IS the danger in seeing kids as symbols rather than as real people who just want to pick up their own marbles. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX DECIDES TO SOLVE ALL HIS PROBLEMS BY FOUNDING HIS OWN UTOPIAN COMMUNITY: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's actually been on my to-do list for a while now, if you can believe that. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Everyone! Be just like me! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Time to make some Life Decisions, set some Life Goals! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's right, ladies! I am going to be a dude with direction! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But this isn't just a ploy to seem more comely to members of the attractive sex! I really feel like I need a goal to work towards, something that I want to achieve. In the past I've always just gone with the flow! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Go to school, okay, then university, okay, then get a job - [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And then? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And then... work at that job or at better jobs as they come along, until I get married and later on die! THE END. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And you're hoping to avoid this by having Life Goals? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! Somehow! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX'S LIFE GOALS: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Get big and smart? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Eat my weight in chocolate? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Who the hell goes to Cornwall? |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Time to make some Life Decisions, set some Life Goals! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's right, ladies! I am going to be a dude with direction! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But this isn't just a ploy to seem more comely to members of the attractive sex! I really feel like I need a goal to work towards, something that I want to achieve. In the past I've always just gone with the flow! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Go to school, okay, then university, okay, then get a job - [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And then? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And then... work at that job or at better jobs as they come along, until I get married and later on die! THE END. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And you're hoping to avoid this by having Life Goals? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! Somehow! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX'S LIFE GOALS: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Get big and smart? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Eat my weight in chocolate? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Learn how to fly rockets or |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So who here wants to TALK ABOUT FEELINGS? Wooo! Everyone loves a dude who talks about feelings, right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Feelings: let's talk about them! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, how do you FEEL today? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Fine, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey, I feel fine too! Would you like to talk about it for a few hours because that's always a good idea? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Hah hah, no thanks! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Secretly, neither would I! High fives!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey did I overhear that we're talking about feelings? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You probably did, my friend! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Great - listen, I'm sorry I've been a bit snippy lately; I've just been a little stressed out about some things at home. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, um, I was sort of making fun of talking about feelings, but we can actually talk about them too. This is because I am a Good Friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A good friend who keeps such conversations in strict confidence, no less! So, tell me about your problems. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, as I was saying- [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Attention, retail establishments! Hallowe'en is barely over. |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So who here wants to TALK ABOUT FEELINGS? Wooo! Everyone loves a dude who talks about feelings, right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Feelings: let's talk about them! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, how do you FEEL today? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Fine, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey, I feel fine too! Would you like to talk about it for a few hours because that's always a good idea? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Hah hah, no thanks! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Secretly, neither would I! High fives!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey did I overhear that we're talking about feelings? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You probably did, my friend! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Great - listen, I'm sorry I've been a bit snippy lately; I've just been a little stressed out about some things at home. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, um, I was sort of making fun of talking about feelings, but we can actually talk about them too. This is because I am a Good Friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A good friend who keeps such conversations in strict confidence, no less! So, tell me about your problems. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, as I was saying- [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Do you have any problems with sexy |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I was asked for money on the street today, and after I gave what change I had, I was told quite aggressively by the guy that it wasn't enough! This can only mean that it's time once again to discuss everyone's favourite topic. . . [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Panhandling! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And it's a tricky issue! Giving money to beggars can be helpful, but some feel it encourages bad behavior and undermines the work of social support organizations. Plus there is always the rumour of beggars who take home hundreds of dollars a day! On the other hand, there may well be people for whom begging is the only means of support they have. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're sure using a lot of qualifiers there, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's intentional! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I really don't know very much about panhandling, and a lot of people feel really strongly about it. I don't know! I usually try to learn more about things by doing them, but if I panhandled I'd be a total poseur. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I bet if *I* did it, I'd be way more of a poseur than you! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, you're on! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They're jet powered, did |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I was asked for money on the street today, and after I gave what change I had, I was told quite aggressively by the guy that it wasn't enough! This can only mean that it's time once again to discuss everyone's favourite topic. . . [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Panhandling! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And it's a tricky issue! Giving money to beggars can be helpful, but some feel it encourages bad behavior and undermines the work of social support organizations. Plus there is always the rumour of beggars who take home hundreds of dollars a day! On the other hand, there may well be people for whom begging is the only means of support they have. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're sure using a lot of qualifiers there, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's intentional! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I really don't know very much about panhandling, and a lot of people feel really strongly about it. I don't know! I usually try to learn more about things by doing them, but if I panhandled I'd be a total poseur. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I bet if *I* did it, I'd be way more of a poseur than you! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, you're on! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This belittles us both! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX STAYS UP FOR 41 HOURS IN THIS COMIC: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, I'm perfectly content. Time to mix things up by staying awake for 41 hours! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's going to be great! This is the best idea ev- [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HOUR 20: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'd never want to eat polluted excited pork meat, Dromiceiomimus. I just invented it and I never want to eat it. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Okay! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Just think about it! "Polluted"? Eww!! And what does "excited" mean when applied to meat? It just raises too many questions. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I wouldn't be able to enjoy it. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HOUR 26: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What's it like being awake for over a day? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Last night I ate lots of pears by mistake. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HOUR 34: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What if I'm a new form of dinosaur that can get tired but that doesn't actually require rest? I'd never know until I did something like this! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think you're exhausted and can't recognize it. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Are you jealous of my mutant dinosaur powers? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HOUR 40: T-REX'S HEART SKIPS A BEAT [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ahh! Oh my God! THAT WAS NOT EXCITING OR ROMANTIC AT ALL!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Does anybody here like to STOMP on HOUSES?! |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX STAYS UP FOR 41 HOURS IN THIS COMIC: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, I'm perfectly content. Time to mix things up by staying awake for 41 hours! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's going to be great! This is the best idea ev- [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HOUR 20: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'd never want to eat polluted excited pork meat, Dromiceiomimus. I just invented it and I never want to eat it. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Okay! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Just think about it! "Polluted"? Eww!! And what does "excited" mean when applied to meat? It just raises too many questions. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I wouldn't be able to enjoy it. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HOUR 26: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What's it like being awake for over a day? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Last night I ate lots of pears by mistake. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HOUR 34: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What if I'm a new form of dinosaur that can get tired but that doesn't actually require rest? I'd never know until I did something like this! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think you're exhausted and can't recognize it. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Are you jealous of my mutant dinosaur powers? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HOUR 40: T-REX'S HEART SKIPS A BEAT [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ahh! Oh my God! THAT WAS NOT EXCITING OR ROMANTIC AT ALL!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I would have words with the people in |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Does language alter the way we think? Sources say: perhaps! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This source says: DEFINITELY YES. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think it's a subtle but pervasive effect! If a language doesn't have a word for something, I think I'm less likely to think about whatever it is that word would refer to. For instance, in English we have words for "friends", but what if we had a single word for the phrase "friends who deserve pie more often"? I bet I'd consider buying people more pies! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're saying that if we had words for these things, people would think of them more often? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, I agree, but I think you're confusing cause and effect! As things become more prominent, they move to become words. Like "electronic mail" becoming "e-mail" and finally "email" - that was due to email becoming more popular, not because people were creating the word in order to MAKE IT more popular. You know? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE THERE'S NO WORD FOR LOVE: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aww, I really respect you and wish to spend more time with you in a romantic fashion, too! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Cell phones built into |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Does language alter the way we think? Sources say: perhaps! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This source says: DEFINITELY YES. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think it's a subtle but pervasive effect! If a language doesn't have a word for something, I think I'm less likely to think about whatever it is that word would refer to. For instance, in English we have words for "friends", but what if we had a single word for the phrase "friends who deserve pie more often"? I bet I'd consider buying people more pies! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're saying that if we had words for these things, people would think of them more often? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, I agree, but I think you're confusing cause and effect! As things become more prominent, they move to become words. Like "electronic mail" becoming "e-mail" and finally "email" - that was due to email becoming more popular, not because people were creating the word in order to MAKE IT more popular. You know? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE THERE'S NO WORD FOR LOVE: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aww, I really respect you and wish to spend more time with you in a romantic fashion, too! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] TIME FOR MUTUAL KISSES. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ah, the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pretty crazy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Following this rule, I could feed my vegetarian friends delicious steak sandwiches, because that's what I'd like, Mmm-mmm delicious! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Well, no, T-Rex, because you probably wouldn't want to be fed something you didn't like. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aha, so much for the golden rule! There's a lot of other awesome variants anyway. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wait - are you really abandoning the ethic of reciprocity? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] APPARENTLY, dude! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Now I'm all about "Do unto others AS they do unto you". Notice the lack of a "would have". Actually, NOW I'm all about "do unto others before they do unto you." No wait! "Do unto others at the same time as they are doing unto you". That one is about doing things together with friends, I think! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Let us totally assume that it's safe to eat chalk!! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ah, the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pretty crazy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Following this rule, I could feed my vegetarian friends delicious steak sandwiches, because that's what I'd like, Mmm-mmm delicious! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Well, no, T-Rex, because you probably wouldn't want to be fed something you didn't like. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aha, so much for the golden rule! There's a lot of other awesome variants anyway. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wait - are you really abandoning the ethic of reciprocity? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] APPARENTLY, dude! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Now I'm all about "Do unto others AS they do unto you". Notice the lack of a "would have". Actually, NOW I'm all about "do unto others before they do unto you." No wait! "Do unto others at the same time as they are doing unto you". That one is about doing things together with friends, I think! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I notice you are leaving! Could my conversational stylings be |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what makes me irrationally angry? It's people who say the moon landing was faked! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ARGH! I am getting angry just thinking about it! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] It's not like you to respond so emotionally to something like this, T-Rex! Why don't you just respond to their points and disprove their claims? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because it feels useless! Because most of these people just want to take on of the most transcendental achievements of our time and belittle it any way they can. They're not interested in facts! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Whoah, so instead of attacking the position, we attack the person? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No! Well, yes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't know! It's just that we're in a special place in history now, where it still matters that we've been to the moon. Once moon travel becomes routine people won't care so much, but right now, the landings are unique. They're still special. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How's that? You've been to the moon like two times yourself! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, I don't count! I was talking about OFFICIAL visits to the moon. Mine were in a strictly unofficial capacity. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] He doesn't do that |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what makes me irrationally angry? It's people who say the moon landing was faked! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ARGH! I am getting angry just thinking about it! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] It's not like you to respond so emotionally to something like this, T-Rex! Why don't you just respond to their points and disprove their claims? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because it feels useless! Because most of these people just want to take on of the most transcendental achievements of our time and belittle it any way they can. They're not interested in facts! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Whoah, so instead of attacking the position, we attack the person? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No! Well, yes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't know! It's just that we're in a special place in history now, where it still matters that we've been to the moon. Once moon travel becomes routine people won't care so much, but right now, the landings are unique. They're still special. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How's that? You've been to the moon like two times yourself! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, I don't count! I was talking about OFFICIAL visits to the moon. Mine were in a strictly unofficial capacity. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You have my assurances! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] JOKES EXPLAINED PRESENTS: "CONFUCIUS SAY" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This vaguely-racist form of comedy relies upon the double-entendre! It narrates the advice of a man called "Confucius" who delivers many a "bon mot". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For example: "Confucius say... man who run in front of car get tired!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ho ho! Did you catch the comedy there? There are two meanings in that phrase! If you don't get it, don't worry - the key to emulating understanding is often just to repeat the last word or phrase. Fake a laugh, say "Hah! TIRED." and you will be SET. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Was there a real-life Confucius, T-Rex, or is he merely a convenient fictional device? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] As you know, there was in fact a real Confucius. He lived in the 5th century in Ancient China (then called "China") and was and is an incredibly well-respected philosopher! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Indeed! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So yea, you've got to be careful, because the real Confucius said many non-hilarious things. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Phrases like "they who know the truth are not equal to those who love it" are not meant to be laughed at! SO DON'T EVEN TRY. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! He said "DUDE FILL IN FOR A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL" |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] JOKES EXPLAINED PRESENTS: "CONFUCIUS SAY" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This vaguely-racist form of comedy relies upon the double-entendre! It narrates the advice of a man called "Confucius" who delivers many a "bon mot". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For example: "Confucius say... man who run in front of car get tired!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ho ho! Did you catch the comedy there? There are two meanings in that phrase! If you don't get it, don't worry - the key to emulating understanding is often just to repeat the last word or phrase. Fake a laugh, say "Hah! TIRED." and you will be SET. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Was there a real-life Confucius, T-Rex, or is he merely a convenient fictional device? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] As you know, there was in fact a real Confucius. He lived in the 5th century in Ancient China (then called "China") and was and is an incredibly well-respected philosopher! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Indeed! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So yea, you've got to be careful, because the real Confucius said many non-hilarious things. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Phrases like "they who know the truth are not equal to those who love it" are not meant to be laughed at! SO DON'T EVEN TRY. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] To conclude, I hope people needed this joke explained, because otherwise I've |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Things sure would be different if one day, the speed of light slowed down to something like half a meter per second for some reason. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes indeedy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For one, games of hide-and-go-seek would be more complicated. Also if you were a long-distance runner, it would be more difficult to run because when you went faster that light you couldn't see where you were going. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Is that true? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think so. Maybe? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think you'd still be able to see things, actually! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How's that? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, light can be thought of as a particle, right? And so it's like - if rain was falling really slowly, and you were running throught it, you'd hit more particles than you would if you were standing still. I think that's how it would work. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what? I'm not even certain if it's possible to travel faster than light. I'm going to ask Professor Science. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR (OFF-PANEL) [LINE] Aw man, that guy's a rube! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's the story of my life! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Things sure would be different if one day, the speed of light slowed down to something like half a meter per second for some reason. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes indeedy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For one, games of hide-and-go-seek would be more complicated. Also if you were a long-distance runner, it would be more difficult to run because when you went faster that light you couldn't see where you were going. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Is that true? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think so. Maybe? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think you'd still be able to see things, actually! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How's that? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, light can be thought of as a particle, right? And so it's like - if rain was falling really slowly, and you were running throught it, you'd hit more particles than you would if you were standing still. I think that's how it would work. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what? I'm not even certain if it's possible to travel faster than light. I'm going to ask Professor Science. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR (OFF-PANEL) [LINE] Aw man, that guy's a rube! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dude, he's a diplodocus with one |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX THINKS EVERYONE SHOULD GO TO CLASS, BUT NOBODY IS GOING TO CLASS: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why isn't anyone attending their classes? Guys! Class is on! It's time to go to class! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What the heck is wrong with everyone in this universe? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I just don't understand why nobody is going to class. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE END [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE UNIVERSE WHERE EVERYONE GOES TO CLASS BUT T-REX: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're late for class, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dude, you know what I say? I say, "forget class!". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You can't say that! Class is important! Class is really important. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello? I play by my own rules. Rule number one: no going to class, baby! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Rules two through five are various socio-economic and anarchic justifications for not going to class. Rule six says it's really too bad that all the ladies are in class right now! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm afraid that I must respectfully disagree!! |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX THINKS EVERYONE SHOULD GO TO CLASS, BUT NOBODY IS GOING TO CLASS: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why isn't anyone attending their classes? Guys! Class is on! It's time to go to class! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What the heck is wrong with everyone in this universe? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I just don't understand why nobody is going to class. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE END [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE UNIVERSE WHERE EVERYONE GOES TO CLASS BUT T-REX: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're late for class, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dude, you know what I say? I say, "forget class!". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You can't say that! Class is important! Class is really important. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello? I play by my own rules. Rule number one: no going to class, baby! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Rules two through five are various socio-economic and anarchic justifications for not going to class. Rule six says it's really too bad that all the ladies are in class right now! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My philosophy - she has her limitations. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-Rex as Cultural Critic [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What's with mainstream music nowadays? It's all so BAD. If I wanted facile lyrics, I would just write them myself and make sure not to try very hard! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All the music I hear on the radio has lyrics by Timmy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Plus, I saw this painting of a woman the other day and it was clear that the painter had no idea what he was doing! It's as if someone just described to him in passing what a woman looked like, and he was all, "I got it guys!" Everything was just a little off. It was a portrait by Timmy! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Who is this "Timmy" guy? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] He's a rhetorical dude! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] He's also my new critical trademark. When something is really juvenile, I'll say it's by Timmy. It implies so much earnest ineptitude! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex! All you're going to do IN THE BEST CASE is ruin the name of real people called "Timmy" ! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, I already did that with my safe-sex campaign! Remember? "It is almost certain that you will contract STDs from guys named Timmy"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Artificial economy of scarcity, my |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-Rex as Cultural Critic [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What's with mainstream music nowadays? It's all so BAD. If I wanted facile lyrics, I would just write them myself and make sure not to try very hard! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All the music I hear on the radio has lyrics by Timmy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Plus, I saw this painting of a woman the other day and it was clear that the painter had no idea what he was doing! It's as if someone just described to him in passing what a woman looked like, and he was all, "I got it guys!" Everything was just a little off. It was a portrait by Timmy! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Who is this "Timmy" guy? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] He's a rhetorical dude! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] He's also my new critical trademark. When something is really juvenile, I'll say it's by Timmy. It implies so much earnest ineptitude! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex! All you're going to do IN THE BEST CASE is ruin the name of real people called "Timmy" ! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, I already did that with my safe-sex campaign! Remember? "It is almost certain that you will contract STDs from guys named Timmy"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah hah! Ouch for Timmy! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Here is a startling thought: what if the things I believe in are wrong? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm serious! This is a big concern for me! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's the reason I've never really attended any political marches - I can only rarely convince myself that I believe in something SO MUCH that those who don't share my beliefs are wrong, and need to be publicly convinced otherwise! I'm always conscious that I may one day look back on my present-day self and shake my head. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So you're left with paralyzed middle-of-the-road beliefs? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not necessarily! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm just left with an acute awareness that I could be wrong about some of the things I currently believe in. Not big things, like racism, but little things, like mohawks! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wait - you believe in racism? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think racism is BAD. It's like when you say you're fundraising for cancer - you're not in favour of it! You want to cure it. That's what I meant! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Imagine the symbology if I |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Here is a startling thought: what if the things I believe in are wrong? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm serious! This is a big concern for me! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's the reason I've never really attended any political marches - I can only rarely convince myself that I believe in something SO MUCH that those who don't share my beliefs are wrong, and need to be publicly convinced otherwise! I'm always conscious that I may one day look back on my present-day self and shake my head. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So you're left with paralyzed middle-of-the-road beliefs? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not necessarily! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm just left with an acute awareness that I could be wrong about some of the things I currently believe in. Not big things, like racism, but little things, like mohawks! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wait - you believe in racism? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think racism is BAD. It's like when you say you're fundraising for cancer - you're not in favour of it! You want to cure it. That's what I meant! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Alright. T-Rex: not necessarily racist. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, how great would it be to have a TATTOO? Assuming it does not go disastrously wrong, it would be super cool! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX'S BIG TATTOO [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] How would it go disastrously wrong? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh you know - the usual. I get a tattoo of some figure in popular culture and it turns out that figure is crazy racist. We've all been there, right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We've probably all been there. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, I've got a great idea, T-Rex: let's get tattoos together! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Like twin tattoos? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] No, like we both get tattoos at the same time - for moral support. Twin tattoos? You were thinking we'd each get separate halves of the yin yang symbol or something? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, I guess I was! Hah hah! That WOULD be pretty crazy. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We'd have to press our tattoos together to make them line up and all the people would think we're married! Plus what if we got the tattoos on our lips? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't know - littering's this perfectly |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, how great would it be to have a TATTOO? Assuming it does not go disastrously wrong, it would be super cool! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX'S BIG TATTOO [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] How would it go disastrously wrong? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh you know - the usual. I get a tattoo of some figure in popular culture and it turns out that figure is crazy racist. We've all been there, right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We've probably all been there. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, I've got a great idea, T-Rex: let's get tattoos together! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Like twin tattoos? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] No, like we both get tattoos at the same time - for moral support. Twin tattoos? You were thinking we'd each get separate halves of the yin yang symbol or something? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, I guess I was! Hah hah! That WOULD be pretty crazy. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We'd have to press our tattoos together to make them line up and all the people would think we're married! Plus what if we got the tattoos on our lips? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay! I'm going to stop talking now! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] TIME TO TELL PEOPLE SOME EMBARRASSING SECRETS T-REX [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw man, I don't want to tell anyone my few remaining embarrassing secrets! Come on. [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] SERIOUSLY IT'LL BE A HOOT [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] DUDE COME ON TELL PEOPLE YOUR EMBARRASSING SECRETS [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] IT'LL BE SO MUCH FUN [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] FOR ME [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] GOD [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay! Okay, FINE. I'll tell ONE embarrassing secret and that's it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But all you're getting is one secret, no more! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Who's getting a secret? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Apparently, you are! And the secret is this: when I lost my virginity, I had the song "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba stuck in my head the entire time. I just really liked the song. I remember being afraid I would hum it afterwards! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hahahah! You get knocked down, but you get up again! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Now don't go around telling that secret to anyone else, okay? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I already sent it out over the news wires! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Zero replies on my awesome |
real | [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] TIME TO TELL PEOPLE SOME EMBARRASSING SECRETS T-REX [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw man, I don't want to tell anyone my few remaining embarrassing secrets! Come on. [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] SERIOUSLY IT'LL BE A HOOT [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] DUDE COME ON TELL PEOPLE YOUR EMBARRASSING SECRETS [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] IT'LL BE SO MUCH FUN [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] FOR ME [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] GOD [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay! Okay, FINE. I'll tell ONE embarrassing secret and that's it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But all you're getting is one secret, no more! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Who's getting a secret? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Apparently, you are! And the secret is this: when I lost my virginity, I had the song "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba stuck in my head the entire time. I just really liked the song. I remember being afraid I would hum it afterwards! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hahahah! You get knocked down, but you get up again! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Now don't go around telling that secret to anyone else, okay? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I already sent it out over the news wires! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THAT WAS SO IMPROBABLY FAST! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Tonight is Hallowe'en, and that means... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... treats! Hooray! Hooray for treats! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Are you - you're going trick-or-treating this year, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure am! I have decided that giving it up when I achieved pubescence was a MISTAKE. I am going to dress up and go door-to-door and get candies! Woo! All I need is a costume and a way to minimize embarrassment. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You'll miss out on seeing all the costumes of the kids who come to your house! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's okay! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You'll also miss out on the Hallowe'en party we're having after the trick-or-treaters are gone! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'll just be late, that's all! Late with my PILLOWCASE FULL OF CANDY. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Man! There's a reason adults don't go trick-or-treating! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT NIGHT, AT THE PARTY: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hi guys! It turns out the reason adults don't go trick-or-treating is because you get berated at every house for being too old! Also some kids tricked me and stole my costume! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Can the two Utahraptors be considered the |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Tonight is Hallowe'en, and that means... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... treats! Hooray! Hooray for treats! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Are you - you're going trick-or-treating this year, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure am! I have decided that giving it up when I achieved pubescence was a MISTAKE. I am going to dress up and go door-to-door and get candies! Woo! All I need is a costume and a way to minimize embarrassment. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You'll miss out on seeing all the costumes of the kids who come to your house! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's okay! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You'll also miss out on the Hallowe'en party we're having after the trick-or-treaters are gone! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'll just be late, that's all! Late with my PILLOWCASE FULL OF CANDY. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Man! There's a reason adults don't go trick-or-treating! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT NIGHT, AT THE PARTY: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hi guys! It turns out the reason adults don't go trick-or-treating is because you get berated at every house for being too old! Also some kids tricked me and stole my costume! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It has been a night of revelation! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have discovered a new philosophy for life that appeals to my own sense of self-worth! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Egoism! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In egoism, all your actions are motivated by a desire to make things easy for one person: yourself! For instance, I crush this house because it's in my way. My actions are justified, thanks to egoism! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But what about yourself? You're only here because your parents selflessly decided to have children. Your very existence is against egoism. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They probably realized what a great dinosaur I'd be and figured it would be in their own interests to creat me! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What the hell? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] First off, I don't know why you need egoism to justify the destruction you're going to wreak ANYWAY. Second off, egoism doesn't account for charity, unless you reduce it to 'good will in the bank', saved for some future benefit. That in turn doesn't account for charity seen in lesser animals, who aren't cognizant of such self-centered account-keeping. In conclusion: it's untenable. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Shakespeare, you should have a line that says "Forsooth, if this were in |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have discovered a new philosophy for life that appeals to my own sense of self-worth! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Egoism! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In egoism, all your actions are motivated by a desire to make things easy for one person: yourself! For instance, I crush this house because it's in my way. My actions are justified, thanks to egoism! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But what about yourself? You're only here because your parents selflessly decided to have children. Your very existence is against egoism. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They probably realized what a great dinosaur I'd be and figured it would be in their own interests to creat me! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What the hell? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] First off, I don't know why you need egoism to justify the destruction you're going to wreak ANYWAY. Second off, egoism doesn't account for charity, unless you reduce it to 'good will in the bank', saved for some future benefit. That in turn doesn't account for charity seen in lesser animals, who aren't cognizant of such self-centered account-keeping. In conclusion: it's untenable. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "In conclusion: it's untenable"? YOU MUST BE A LOT OF FUN AT PARTIES! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE DAY DROMICEIOMIMUS INVITED PEOPLE TO A PARTY TOO EARLY [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] (in comic form!) [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well! I certainly hope I don't get prematurely invited to any PARTIES today! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BUT THEN...! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Hey T-Rex, do you want to hang out on New Year's Eve? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? But it's barely November. You're planning this now? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Yep! It's not going to be that big of a party, but I thought people might be in high demand, so I'm asking now. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I - I guess I don't have any other plans! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Huh! That was weird! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What was? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus invited me to a party like two months in advance! But - more weird was that I was actually musing about not wanting to be prematurely invited to any parties just before she spoke to me. It's incredible. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's so unlikely. It's such a weird thing to worry about. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! I'm freaking out over here. This is me: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] HUH??? CAN ANYONE EXPLAIN THE CONFLUX OF THESE TWO EVENTS? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Whatever, man! I'm getting OLDER |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE DAY DROMICEIOMIMUS INVITED PEOPLE TO A PARTY TOO EARLY [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] (in comic form!) [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well! I certainly hope I don't get prematurely invited to any PARTIES today! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BUT THEN...! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Hey T-Rex, do you want to hang out on New Year's Eve? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? But it's barely November. You're planning this now? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Yep! It's not going to be that big of a party, but I thought people might be in high demand, so I'm asking now. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I - I guess I don't have any other plans! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Huh! That was weird! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What was? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus invited me to a party like two months in advance! But - more weird was that I was actually musing about not wanting to be prematurely invited to any parties just before she spoke to me. It's incredible. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's so unlikely. It's such a weird thing to worry about. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! I'm freaking out over here. This is me: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] HUH??? CAN ANYONE EXPLAIN THE CONFLUX OF THESE TWO EVENTS? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's seriously me right now! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a good day I think for trying to explore THE VERY LIMITS OF MY OWN BODY. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] By which I mean "examining instinctual responses", of course! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I find the idea of instincts interesting. What's it like having a drive to do something but not really understanding why? Have I ever felt an instinctive urge like that? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well! I intend to find out, using the power of science coupled with the power of auto-experimentation! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So, how's the experiment going? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] TOTALLY SUCKY! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I can't figure out what I should be testing. What are some instincts people have? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Oh, well, you could always put your favourite food in your mouth and try not to chew or swallow it. It's possible to do this, but the desire to eat it is strong. Tada! Instinct! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ooh! OR, I could surround myself with attractive and sexually-available women and then try not to have the intercourse with them! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That seems more like an excuse for group sex than actual science. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Exaclty! I |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a good day I think for trying to explore THE VERY LIMITS OF MY OWN BODY. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] By which I mean "examining instinctual responses", of course! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I find the idea of instincts interesting. What's it like having a drive to do something but not really understanding why? Have I ever felt an instinctive urge like that? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well! I intend to find out, using the power of science coupled with the power of auto-experimentation! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So, how's the experiment going? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] TOTALLY SUCKY! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I can't figure out what I should be testing. What are some instincts people have? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Oh, well, you could always put your favourite food in your mouth and try not to chew or swallow it. It's possible to do this, but the desire to eat it is strong. Tada! Instinct! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ooh! OR, I could surround myself with attractive and sexually-available women and then try not to have the intercourse with them! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That seems more like an excuse for group sex than actual science. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] EXPERIMENT: APPROVED?? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There was a mouse in my house last night. A mouse! In my house! That rhymes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But that's not important right now! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This mouse was not only in my house but in my kitchen and on my kitchen counter. Clearly, he needs to die! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Awwww, T-Rex! Can't you just use a human trap instead of killing him? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FINE. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A FEW DAYS LATER: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How's the mouse situation? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sadly unchanged! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm at an impasse! I don't want to kill him, but I figure if I use a human trap to release him somewhere else, I'm just shifting the problem to the new dude whose kitchen he moves into. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Can't mice also live outdoors? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't know! I can't look up mice on the internet because my internet is down! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What about an encyclopaedia? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait, Dromiceiomimus? What are you |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There was a mouse in my house last night. A mouse! In my house! That rhymes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But that's not important right now! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This mouse was not only in my house but in my kitchen and on my kitchen counter. Clearly, he needs to die! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Awwww, T-Rex! Can't you just use a human trap instead of killing him? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FINE. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A FEW DAYS LATER: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How's the mouse situation? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sadly unchanged! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm at an impasse! I don't want to kill him, but I figure if I use a human trap to release him somewhere else, I'm just shifting the problem to the new dude whose kitchen he moves into. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Can't mice also live outdoors? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't know! I can't look up mice on the internet because my internet is down! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What about an encyclopaedia? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dud, WHAT ABOUT THE INTERNET?? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] HEY T-REX HAVE YOU EVER PULLED ANY SWEET PRANKS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure have, God! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] HAHA ME TOO MAN WHAT ARE YOURS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Back when I was in middle school, I used to go to the computer labs and add all sorts of common typos and misspellings to their spell check dictionaries, like 'teh' and 'acceptible' and 'amoung' and 'tahn'. Hee hee! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] THAT'S SUCH A SUCKY PRANK [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It rules! All these kids handed in essays with massive spelling mistakes! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It sort of sucks, man! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The person who falls for this probably won't even realize they've had a prank pulled on them! And when they do, there's no moment of laughing realization, just irritation. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pranks are supposed to end in laughter all around? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The best ones do! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Huh! Mine have all ended with me getting punches to the gut. A fre ended in broken marriages! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The second law of thermodynamics: somewhat |
real | [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] HEY T-REX HAVE YOU EVER PULLED ANY SWEET PRANKS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure have, God! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] HAHA ME TOO MAN WHAT ARE YOURS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Back when I was in middle school, I used to go to the computer labs and add all sorts of common typos and misspellings to their spell check dictionaries, like 'teh' and 'acceptible' and 'amoung' and 'tahn'. Hee hee! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] THAT'S SUCH A SUCKY PRANK [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It rules! All these kids handed in essays with massive spelling mistakes! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It sort of sucks, man! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The person who falls for this probably won't even realize they've had a prank pulled on them! And when they do, there's no moment of laughing realization, just irritation. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pranks are supposed to end in laughter all around? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The best ones do! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Huh! Mine have all ended with me getting punches to the gut. A fre ended in broken marriages! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What is this emotion called 'regret'? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have decided to become a scientist dinosaur. All I need to complete the ensemble is glasses and a lab coat. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You can call me... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Professor Tyrannosaurus Rex, PhD! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Do you have any science questions you'd like answered? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Actually... I have been dabbling in genetics and was wondering what a group of alleles is called. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It depends on what alleles you're talking about. In the same gene, they're called an "allelic series" but in different genes, a set of alleles is known as a "haplotype". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And now I will demonstrate stomping physics! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Stop please! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How the heck did you answer that genetics question just now? I didn't know you knew about stuff like that! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I - I don't know! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, they think he's so |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have decided to become a scientist dinosaur. All I need to complete the ensemble is glasses and a lab coat. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You can call me... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Professor Tyrannosaurus Rex, PhD! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Do you have any science questions you'd like answered? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Actually... I have been dabbling in genetics and was wondering what a group of alleles is called. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It depends on what alleles you're talking about. In the same gene, they're called an "allelic series" but in different genes, a set of alleles is known as a "haplotype". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And now I will demonstrate stomping physics! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Stop please! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How the heck did you answer that genetics question just now? I didn't know you knew about stuff like that! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I - I don't know! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have surprised even myself! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm going to write the best story ever. It's called - okay, I don't know what it's called. But i have a fantastic premise! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's a world where everyone knows how they're going to die! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You can go in to a doctor and he takes a blood test, and then his machine spits out a piece of paper that says "exploded" or "drowned" or "poisoned apple" and that's it. No dates, no details! And so people who are to die from drowning spend their lives avoiding swimming pools, but they end up drowning anyway. Part of the fun would be seeing how! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] This story sounds pretty morbid, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Morbidly INTERESTING! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] True! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I guess the only safe one would be if the paper said "old age". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope, cause then you could be killed by an old guy! This machine delights in ironically vague deaths. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "Natural causes"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hit on the head by a falling koala bear! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It would also work on animals, but all the ones for cows would say "made into delicious cheeseburger". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not that the cows could understand! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Or should |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm going to write the best story ever. It's called - okay, I don't know what it's called. But i have a fantastic premise! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's a world where everyone knows how they're going to die! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You can go in to a doctor and he takes a blood test, and then his machine spits out a piece of paper that says "exploded" or "drowned" or "poisoned apple" and that's it. No dates, no details! And so people who are to die from drowning spend their lives avoiding swimming pools, but they end up drowning anyway. Part of the fun would be seeing how! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] This story sounds pretty morbid, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Morbidly INTERESTING! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] True! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I guess the only safe one would be if the paper said "old age". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope, cause then you could be killed by an old guy! This machine delights in ironically vague deaths. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "Natural causes"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hit on the head by a falling koala bear! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It would also work on animals, but all the ones for cows would say "made into delicious cheeseburger". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not that the cows could understand! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Friggin' cheeseburgers! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] HeLa cells are a strain of cancer cells that, unlike regular body cells, can live indefinitely outside the body, grow very quickly, and don't die form old age. They are used in labs worldwide and are in many ways an independent organism! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They also helped in the research that eradicated polio! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So not only are HeLa cells the first observed example of devolution or speciation in human beings (going from a multi-celled life form to a singe-celled one) but they're also maybe a first example of immortality: her cells live, but the woman from whom the cells were taken, Henrietta Lacks, died from this cancer in 1951. That's crazy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Crazier: there's probably a greater mass of HeLa cells now than there was of Henrietta when she was alive! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The whole thing is so surreal, don't you think? The woman made a huge contribution to society just by getting sick. And imagine a new species EVOLVING from your body? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, Henrietta never found out. She was never even told that the cells were being cultivated! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And with that, I exhaust all my knowledge of Henrietta and HeLa cells. I am well and truly tapped. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The cells are called "helacyton gartleri". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] AW MAN!! I totally knew that one! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Care to put our emotional stability |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] HeLa cells are a strain of cancer cells that, unlike regular body cells, can live indefinitely outside the body, grow very quickly, and don't die form old age. They are used in labs worldwide and are in many ways an independent organism! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They also helped in the research that eradicated polio! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So not only are HeLa cells the first observed example of devolution or speciation in human beings (going from a multi-celled life form to a singe-celled one) but they're also maybe a first example of immortality: her cells live, but the woman from whom the cells were taken, Henrietta Lacks, died from this cancer in 1951. That's crazy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Crazier: there's probably a greater mass of HeLa cells now than there was of Henrietta when she was alive! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The whole thing is so surreal, don't you think? The woman made a huge contribution to society just by getting sick. And imagine a new species EVOLVING from your body? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, Henrietta never found out. She was never even told that the cells were being cultivated! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And with that, I exhaust all my knowledge of Henrietta and HeLa cells. I am well and truly tapped. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The cells are called "helacyton gartleri". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] AW MAN!! I totally knew that one! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also: learning is not a competition? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] HEY T-REX YOU SHOULD PROBABLY DO SOME CHRISTMAS SHOPPING SOON [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm going to ignore the symbolism of this! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX IN: THE MALL [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT EVENING: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ARGH! I had hoped to avoid this realization, but it's inescapable: I hate the mall! I know it's a cliched thing to hate but it's TRUE. I hate the crowds and the cell phones and I hate the music and the consumerism and the shops that don't have anything that I want. And I didn't hate but I really disliked the burger I purchased in the food court. It had no toppings. Also it was very dry. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're becoming a generic stand-up comedian! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm not! I just feel their pain! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And YES, I understand that of all the things in the world to get worked up about, maybe poverty and climate change are above one soul-crushing shopping experience downtown. But man! The mall! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hah, if you felt as serious about climate change as you do about the mall, we'd have that settled in no time! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX TRIES TO GET AS WORKED UP ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE, BUT IT KEEPS COMING BACK TO THE MALL: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Everyone! Support the implementation of the Kyoto Protocol! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No. T-Tex or nothing. |
real | [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] HEY T-REX YOU SHOULD PROBABLY DO SOME CHRISTMAS SHOPPING SOON [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm going to ignore the symbolism of this! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX IN: THE MALL [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT EVENING: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ARGH! I had hoped to avoid this realization, but it's inescapable: I hate the mall! I know it's a cliched thing to hate but it's TRUE. I hate the crowds and the cell phones and I hate the music and the consumerism and the shops that don't have anything that I want. And I didn't hate but I really disliked the burger I purchased in the food court. It had no toppings. Also it was very dry. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're becoming a generic stand-up comedian! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm not! I just feel their pain! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And YES, I understand that of all the things in the world to get worked up about, maybe poverty and climate change are above one soul-crushing shopping experience downtown. But man! The mall! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hah, if you felt as serious about climate change as you do about the mall, we'd have that settled in no time! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX TRIES TO GET AS WORKED UP ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE, BUT IT KEEPS COMING BACK TO THE MALL: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Everyone! Support the implementation of the Kyoto Protocol! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ALSO SCREW THE MALL |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So then, today is a good day for learning to play the piano! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For such a skilled dinosaur as myself, it should be simple! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Besides, nothing says "cultured" like playing the piano! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Hey, if you learn to play the piano, does that mean you'll stop stomping on things? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, I feel I can do both. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But T-Rex, you can't play the piano! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why not? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, uh - it's just that your arms are too tiny to possibly reach the keys. I'm uh (this is awkward) - I'm sorry, T-Rex, but this is one dream of yours that will be thwarted by your own body. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm sorry. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] EARLIER THAT MORNING... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, I'm not trying to get invited to any weddings! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So then, today is a good day for learning to play the piano! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For such a skilled dinosaur as myself, it should be simple! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Besides, nothing says "cultured" like playing the piano! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Hey, if you learn to play the piano, does that mean you'll stop stomping on things? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, I feel I can do both. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But T-Rex, you can't play the piano! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why not? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, uh - it's just that your arms are too tiny to possibly reach the keys. I'm uh (this is awkward) - I'm sorry, T-Rex, but this is one dream of yours that will be thwarted by your own body. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm sorry. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] EARLIER THAT MORNING... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I bet if I could play the piano I would |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I wonder if there are any revelations that would make me want to end a long-term friendship with someone. What would they have to say? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I guess if they were a crazy racist, that would probably do it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But then I wouldn't be friends with them in the first place, I bet - UNLESS they'd kept it hidden until now. Could I be friends with someone, knowing they're a crazy racist? And would it make a difference if it never really came up that often? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] This is actually a pretty tricky question I've considered myself, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Really? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah! Because I wouldn't really want to be friends with a crazy racist either, but isn't that sort of just fighting intolerance with intolerance? The person was still your friend for years and years, so they're probably a good person, all the crazy racism aside. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, I guess the difference is that nobody will ever get mad at you for being intolerant of racism! Except for racists. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But it's okay, because everyone hates racists, right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, I'm really |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I wonder if there are any revelations that would make me want to end a long-term friendship with someone. What would they have to say? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I guess if they were a crazy racist, that would probably do it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But then I wouldn't be friends with them in the first place, I bet - UNLESS they'd kept it hidden until now. Could I be friends with someone, knowing they're a crazy racist? And would it make a difference if it never really came up that often? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] This is actually a pretty tricky question I've considered myself, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Really? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah! Because I wouldn't really want to be friends with a crazy racist either, but isn't that sort of just fighting intolerance with intolerance? The person was still your friend for years and years, so they're probably a good person, all the crazy racism aside. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, I guess the difference is that nobody will ever get mad at you for being intolerant of racism! Except for racists. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But it's okay, because everyone hates racists, right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] E-Except for racists. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what people don't say often enough anymore? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Holy smokes!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Holy smokes, but that's a pretty awesome expression! "That dude just fell down the stairs! Holy smokes!" It has the charm of a child, yet is better than the old standby of "holy cow" because nobody says "holy smokes" anymore. It is forgotten. It is UNDISCOVERED. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Holy smokes! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And with that it becomes overused! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ah well, it had a good run. Now onto the next new thing! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait! Wait a minute! I never had a chance to use it for real! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway man, who says you're in charge of when things become "old hat"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I will say it again in French, friends and neighbors! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Bitches gotta know when they've screwed up capitalization! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what people don't say often enough anymore? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Holy smokes!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Holy smokes, but that's a pretty awesome expression! "That dude just fell down the stairs! Holy smokes!" It has the charm of a child, yet is better than the old standby of "holy cow" because nobody says "holy smokes" anymore. It is forgotten. It is UNDISCOVERED. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Holy smokes! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And with that it becomes overused! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ah well, it had a good run. Now onto the next new thing! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait! Wait a minute! I never had a chance to use it for real! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway man, who says you're in charge of when things become "old hat"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I will say it again in French, friends and neighbors! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Qui dit que vous ?tes responsable du moment |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh man, I haven't bought anyone any presents yet! I AM SO POOCHED! I am the worst friend in the world. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This will consummate my social ruin FOR SURE! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, hey, Dromiceiomimus! How's - how are things? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Things are alright, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Haha, that's cool! Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow: Christmas Eve! I have a very special present for you, my friend. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Hah hah, sure thing! Thanks! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why did I say that?? I AM EVEN MORE POOCHED THAN EVER BEFORE. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] No presents, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! And then I compounded it by telling Dromiceiomimus that I had something extra special for her. And OH MAN, now you know my secret. I'm out of control! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's okay! We'll be your friends even without presents. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know I know but still! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE?? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Would you say that not even |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh man, I haven't bought anyone any presents yet! I AM SO POOCHED! I am the worst friend in the world. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This will consummate my social ruin FOR SURE! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, hey, Dromiceiomimus! How's - how are things? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Things are alright, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Haha, that's cool! Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow: Christmas Eve! I have a very special present for you, my friend. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Hah hah, sure thing! Thanks! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why did I say that?? I AM EVEN MORE POOCHED THAN EVER BEFORE. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] No presents, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! And then I compounded it by telling Dromiceiomimus that I had something extra special for her. And OH MAN, now you know my secret. I'm out of control! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's okay! We'll be your friends even without presents. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know I know but still! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE?? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I could give Dromiceiomimus my toaster! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay okay so - am I making the best use of my time? Judging by the success of others the answer may well be, in fact, "PERHAPS NOT". [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BACKSTORY: T-REX IS WORRIED HE'S NOT AS AFFLUENT AS HE SHOULD BE? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've never really cared about being rich before, but on the other hand having disposable income is sort of alright! Is wanting more money the first step on the path to becoming more and more right wing as I get older? Such a trajectory IS one I have sometimes observed in my peers and elders. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wait, I'm confused. Are you worried about not being rich, or about drifting to the right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Neither! Both? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm - I dunno. I guess I'm worried only about getting one shot at life and messing it up, or not making the best of it. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] These are serious fears that will likely haunt you till old age, some of them no doubt blossoming into a startling and varied garden of regret! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] UTAHRAPTOR: A GUY WHO IS NOT HELPING RIGHT NOW [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a good |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay okay so - am I making the best use of my time? Judging by the success of others the answer may well be, in fact, "PERHAPS NOT". [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BACKSTORY: T-REX IS WORRIED HE'S NOT AS AFFLUENT AS HE SHOULD BE? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've never really cared about being rich before, but on the other hand having disposable income is sort of alright! Is wanting more money the first step on the path to becoming more and more right wing as I get older? Such a trajectory IS one I have sometimes observed in my peers and elders. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wait, I'm confused. Are you worried about not being rich, or about drifting to the right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Neither! Both? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm - I dunno. I guess I'm worried only about getting one shot at life and messing it up, or not making the best of it. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] These are serious fears that will likely haunt you till old age, some of them no doubt blossoming into a startling and varied garden of regret! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] UTAHRAPTOR: A GUY WHO IS NOT HELPING RIGHT NOW [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FRIGGIN' GARDENS OF REGRET!! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It would be cool to be able to flash forward and see what my life would actually be like in ten or twenty years. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Cool AND improbable! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So improbable, in fact, that I have no idea of how I would accomplish it. Ah well! SO MUCH FOR VISIONS OF TOMORROW. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SUDDENLY, A VISION OF TOMORROW! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, remember when years ago, you wanted to see the future? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I was just lingering over breakfast when I suddenly recalled that entire conversation. Isn't that wild? And I realized that if I told you about it, this could be your vision of tomorrow: future selves recalling the past! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's pretty wild! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BACK IN THE PRESENT: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Easy: my mom answers them! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It would be cool to be able to flash forward and see what my life would actually be like in ten or twenty years. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Cool AND improbable! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So improbable, in fact, that I have no idea of how I would accomplish it. Ah well! SO MUCH FOR VISIONS OF TOMORROW. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SUDDENLY, A VISION OF TOMORROW! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, remember when years ago, you wanted to see the future? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I was just lingering over breakfast when I suddenly recalled that entire conversation. Isn't that wild? And I realized that if I told you about it, this could be your vision of tomorrow: future selves recalling the past! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's pretty wild! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BACK IN THE PRESENT: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I for one would like |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've never had any problems with dating someone of a different religion, but I imagine under certain circumstances it could be a problem! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Much like... most things? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I guess if there was some religious beliefs that one person had and the other didn't, it could lead to tension, but relationships are about compromise, right? But if someone, say, adopts the actions of a religion as a compromise, but not the beliefs behind it, isn't that just going through the motions, which isn't really what most religions are about? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I guess a lot of it depends on the faith of the people involved, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How so? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, if you REALLY believe that by not sharing your religion, your partner is harming himself somehow (i.e., comdemning himself to a sucky afterlife), then you'd want to help him out, right? I could see that leading to tension, since there's not much room for movement there unless one of you softens your views. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's true! Luckily, as I say, this has never happened to me. Therefore, double high fives for conflict avoided?? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm not giving you double high fives, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If they do, they're not |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've never had any problems with dating someone of a different religion, but I imagine under certain circumstances it could be a problem! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Much like... most things? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I guess if there was some religious beliefs that one person had and the other didn't, it could lead to tension, but relationships are about compromise, right? But if someone, say, adopts the actions of a religion as a compromise, but not the beliefs behind it, isn't that just going through the motions, which isn't really what most religions are about? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I guess a lot of it depends on the faith of the people involved, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How so? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, if you REALLY believe that by not sharing your religion, your partner is harming himself somehow (i.e., comdemning himself to a sucky afterlife), then you'd want to help him out, right? I could see that leading to tension, since there's not much room for movement there unless one of you softens your views. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's true! Luckily, as I say, this has never happened to me. Therefore, double high fives for conflict avoided?? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm not giving you double high fives, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man! Don' leave me hangin'!! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What is the deal with everyone walking in on me while I'm having showers? This has gone well beyond random chance and I am at a loss to explain it. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Everyone needs to stop walking in on me while I'm having a shower, please! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And with that I'm off to go have a bath or something. [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] HEY T-REX WHAT WAS THAT [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO AGAIN [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nowhere, dear friend! I am off to "#8211;go sit and"#8211; read a book. About "#8230; famous deserts of the past! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] SWEET [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] MAN! It almost happened just there! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What almost happened? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This new "LET'S SPY ON T-REX IN THE SHOWER" problem that everyone seems to have "#8211;and now God's in on it too! I don't understand. Also I just realized I lied to God about reading a book. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think there's posters in the library warning about that. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Look, I know |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What is the deal with everyone walking in on me while I'm having showers? This has gone well beyond random chance and I am at a loss to explain it. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Everyone needs to stop walking in on me while I'm having a shower, please! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And with that I'm off to go have a bath or something. [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] HEY T-REX WHAT WAS THAT [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO AGAIN [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nowhere, dear friend! I am off to "#8211;go sit and"#8211; read a book. About "#8230; famous deserts of the past! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] SWEET [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] MAN! It almost happened just there! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What almost happened? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This new "LET'S SPY ON T-REX IN THE SHOWER" problem that everyone seems to have "#8211;and now God's in on it too! I don't understand. Also I just realized I lied to God about reading a book. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think there's posters in the library warning about that. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Somebody's in here!!! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Is it possible to have adventures in today's modern world? I mean real adventures, like ones where I get to swashbuckle. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] T-Rex says, "probably not!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think we've made our environment so predictable and safe that there's no real opportunity to go where nobody's been before, to see things that haven't been seen. It's too bad! I want ADVENTURES! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What about things like EXTREME SNOWBOARDING? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] While clearly extreme, can such activities truly be considered capital-A Adventure? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Sure they can, T-Rex! You see new things, and there's danger. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't know... [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Man, some dudes are EXTREME!! enough to snowboard down Mount Everest! There's a real chance you could be killed doing that, PLUS, only a few people have ever done it. I'd call that "adventure"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Especially since you'd have to climb up at least part of Everest yourself. Okay, you're right! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE EVERYONE SNOWBOARDS EVERYWHERE: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus! Dino babies! I'm - I'm going to write a story in which we're all |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Is it possible to have adventures in today's modern world? I mean real adventures, like ones where I get to swashbuckle. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] T-Rex says, "probably not!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think we've made our environment so predictable and safe that there's no real opportunity to go where nobody's been before, to see things that haven't been seen. It's too bad! I want ADVENTURES! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What about things like EXTREME SNOWBOARDING? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] While clearly extreme, can such activities truly be considered capital-A Adventure? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Sure they can, T-Rex! You see new things, and there's danger. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't know... [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Man, some dudes are EXTREME!! enough to snowboard down Mount Everest! There's a real chance you could be killed doing that, PLUS, only a few people have ever done it. I'd call that "adventure"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Especially since you'd have to climb up at least part of Everest yourself. Okay, you're right! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE EVERYONE SNOWBOARDS EVERYWHERE: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guys, I REALLY just don't think I'm as into snowboarding as I used to be. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway, I've had enough of that Utahraptor and his ilk. I don't care what he thinks we did! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What I do care about is vitamin B12! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] VITAMIN B12 [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] an educational installment [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Vitamin B12: What is it? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Vitamin B12, also called cobalamin, is important to good health. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It helps maintain healthy nerve and red blood cells, and is also needed to make DNA, the genetic material in all cells. Vitamin B12 is bound to the protein in food. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What foods provide vitamin B12? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Beef liver, fish, eggs, and milk, among others. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What is the health risk of too much vitamin B12? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Vitamin B12 has a very low potential for toxicity. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Vegetarians who do not eat meats, fish, eggs, milk or milk products are at high risk of developing a vitamin B12 deficiency! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, I missed out on ROCKET SKATING because I was writing books? That sucks! That - |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway, I've had enough of that Utahraptor and his ilk. I don't care what he thinks we did! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What I do care about is vitamin B12! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] VITAMIN B12 [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] an educational installment [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Vitamin B12: What is it? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Vitamin B12, also called cobalamin, is important to good health. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It helps maintain healthy nerve and red blood cells, and is also needed to make DNA, the genetic material in all cells. Vitamin B12 is bound to the protein in food. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What foods provide vitamin B12? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Beef liver, fish, eggs, and milk, among others. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What is the health risk of too much vitamin B12? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Vitamin B12 has a very low potential for toxicity. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Vegetarians who do not eat meats, fish, eggs, milk or milk products are at high risk of developing a vitamin B12 deficiency! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Individuals with stomach and small intestinal disorders may not absorb enough vitamin B12 from food to |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dating both twin sisters at the same time: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hot? Or just, in fact, KIND OF WEIRD? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm afraid that I fall on the "kind of weird" side of the fence this time. While I'm usually in favour of the hot makeouts, they're sisters! It's like they've made out with each other, through proxy. Transitive makeouts! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I really don't see how you're getting this! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What's not to get? Twins! Proxies! Transitive closure! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well it's just - if you were a dude dating, say, identical twin sister swim-team captains, I can imagine you reacting a little differently. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Things would indeed be different... [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] FANTASY LAND: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Keep on swimmin', ladies, because I love you both super equally! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Time to start practicing! Say something to |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dating both twin sisters at the same time: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hot? Or just, in fact, KIND OF WEIRD? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm afraid that I fall on the "kind of weird" side of the fence this time. While I'm usually in favour of the hot makeouts, they're sisters! It's like they've made out with each other, through proxy. Transitive makeouts! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I really don't see how you're getting this! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What's not to get? Twins! Proxies! Transitive closure! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well it's just - if you were a dude dating, say, identical twin sister swim-team captains, I can imagine you reacting a little differently. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Things would indeed be different... [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] FANTASY LAND: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Keep on swimmin', ladies, because I love you both super equally! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It occurs to me that democracy is pretty unfair if you're not a dude who's in the majority! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] DEMOCRACY COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It sucks, because if everyone disagrees with you, then you'll never get anything you want. It's majority rule! MOB rule! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Well, majority rule is sort of the definition of democracy, T-Rex. Not everyone can get everything they want! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, but what if the majority decide to be totally racist against you? You're pooched! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] People have worried about this before, my friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What do they say? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, what you're worried about is called the "tyranny of the majority", and it's usually countered by the observation that there's at least a push for minority rights being respected in a democracy, since we're all minorities in one way or another. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Right! Like how I'm in a minority because I sometimese like to sleep in on weekends. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Actually, I'd say most people like to do that, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Really? Are you serious?? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Starting right... NOW! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It occurs to me that democracy is pretty unfair if you're not a dude who's in the majority! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] DEMOCRACY COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It sucks, because if everyone disagrees with you, then you'll never get anything you want. It's majority rule! MOB rule! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Well, majority rule is sort of the definition of democracy, T-Rex. Not everyone can get everything they want! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, but what if the majority decide to be totally racist against you? You're pooched! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] People have worried about this before, my friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What do they say? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, what you're worried about is called the "tyranny of the majority", and it's usually countered by the observation that there's at least a push for minority rights being respected in a democracy, since we're all minorities in one way or another. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Right! Like how I'm in a minority because I sometimese like to sleep in on weekends. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Actually, I'd say most people like to do that, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Really? Are you serious?? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Have all my |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Vegetarians are chicks and dudes who don't eat a lot of meat for some reason or whatever! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] DIFFERENT TYPES OF VEGETARIANISM [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] First off, you've got your lacto-ovo vegetarians, who don't eat meat but do eat eggs and milk. There's also lacto vegetarians and ovo vegetarians. Then you've got your vegans, who don't eat meat or ANY animal products, so eggs, honey, milk, and cheese are out, and even leather sometimes. For - for shoes. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] And pants? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] My favorite are the freegans! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Where you be vegetarian for free? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Close! It's where you don't eat meat unless you're given it for free, like from a dumpster. You prevent meat from going to waste, but you don't support its production. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That sounds close to flexitarians, who only eat meat when being vegetarian would be rude or inconvenient! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Now, I myself am a tremendo-meatatarian, which means that I only eat meat that I find to be tremendously delicious! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I've seen you eat fruits and vegetables! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A little animal that will follow me around |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Vegetarians are chicks and dudes who don't eat a lot of meat for some reason or whatever! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] DIFFERENT TYPES OF VEGETARIANISM [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] First off, you've got your lacto-ovo vegetarians, who don't eat meat but do eat eggs and milk. There's also lacto vegetarians and ovo vegetarians. Then you've got your vegans, who don't eat meat or ANY animal products, so eggs, honey, milk, and cheese are out, and even leather sometimes. For - for shoes. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] And pants? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] My favorite are the freegans! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Where you be vegetarian for free? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Close! It's where you don't eat meat unless you're given it for free, like from a dumpster. You prevent meat from going to waste, but you don't support its production. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That sounds close to flexitarians, who only eat meat when being vegetarian would be rude or inconvenient! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Now, I myself am a tremendo-meatatarian, which means that I only eat meat that I find to be tremendously delicious! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I've seen you eat fruits and vegetables! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes. On account of the golly gosh-darned scurvy. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FUN FACT: Did you know that if you're in a situation where your messages have a chance of being lost or misunderstood, then you can never fully share information with someone? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's totally true, even if all the messages arrive unmolested! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So Dromiceiomimus, imagine I'm sending you a letter that says "hi". You get it, so now we both know that I said "hi", but only you know that YOU know that I said "hi". So you send a letter that says "got it", which I get - but then I know that you know that I said "hi", but you don't know that I know that YOU know that I said "hi". And so on! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We go back and forth sending "I got your 'I got it'" letters forever! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So plausible, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, of course we wouldn't ACTUALLY do that, but the point is that we can never know the exact same information, unless it's 100% guaranteed that the messages aren't lost or garbled. But the mail isn't like this! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Oh man, this is just another one of your dumb postal service conspiracy theories!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE PAST: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No friend of MINE would commit a cuss like that to |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FUN FACT: Did you know that if you're in a situation where your messages have a chance of being lost or misunderstood, then you can never fully share information with someone? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's totally true, even if all the messages arrive unmolested! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So Dromiceiomimus, imagine I'm sending you a letter that says "hi". You get it, so now we both know that I said "hi", but only you know that YOU know that I said "hi". So you send a letter that says "got it", which I get - but then I know that you know that I said "hi", but you don't know that I know that YOU know that I said "hi". And so on! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We go back and forth sending "I got your 'I got it'" letters forever! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So plausible, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, of course we wouldn't ACTUALLY do that, but the point is that we can never know the exact same information, unless it's 100% guaranteed that the messages aren't lost or garbled. But the mail isn't like this! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Oh man, this is just another one of your dumb postal service conspiracy theories!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE PAST: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I plan on developing SEVERAL crazy theories about the postal service. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If I were to be reincarnated, I would like it to be as one of those big machines that eats smaller machines for an audience. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX IN: REINCARNATION COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? They're awesome. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BUT THEN! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Does reincarnation work on machines? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What, you're going to shoot down my idea? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] No, I've just never heard reincarnation including things that, you know - aren't alive. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Some people believe that you can come back as plants! They're BARELY alive. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] They support the entire food chain! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] BARELY. So barely! I've seriously never been impressed with a plant. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Even sunflowers? They tilt to follow the sun! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For example: Prometheus! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If I were to be reincarnated, I would like it to be as one of those big machines that eats smaller machines for an audience. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX IN: REINCARNATION COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? They're awesome. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BUT THEN! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Does reincarnation work on machines? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What, you're going to shoot down my idea? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] No, I've just never heard reincarnation including things that, you know - aren't alive. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Some people believe that you can come back as plants! They're BARELY alive. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] They support the entire food chain! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] BARELY. So barely! I've seriously never been impressed with a plant. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Even sunflowers? They tilt to follow the sun! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Don't get me |