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nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Time for me to learn some new languages! AS THE OLD SAYING GOES, he who can speak many languages is suspected by his peers to be an ultra super genius times two. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Perhaps I will learn... SIGH LANGUAGE? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Oh, you should, T-Rex! Then we could talk to each other! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know sign language? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Yep! Well - I know Signed English, which is just English translated into hand signs. It's different from ASL, which is a true natural signed language with its own grammar! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Neat! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Then it's settled! I will learn sign language! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And I will learn Zulu! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I've always wanted to learn a language nobody around me speaks and I like the way Zulu sounds. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dude, maybe we're TRENDSETTERS! Maybe in three months languages less spoken will the the very CURRENCY of coolness, a shibboleth for entry into the rarefied world of ULTRA POPULARITY! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That only works if we're ultra popular, but we're just two dudes who decided in the past 60 seconds to learn some new languages for no real reason! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The Towne takes up most of the island, |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Time for me to learn some new languages! AS THE OLD SAYING GOES, he who can speak many languages is suspected by his peers to be an ultra super genius times two. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Perhaps I will learn... SIGH LANGUAGE? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Oh, you should, T-Rex! Then we could talk to each other! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know sign language? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Yep! Well - I know Signed English, which is just English translated into hand signs. It's different from ASL, which is a true natural signed language with its own grammar! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Neat! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Then it's settled! I will learn sign language! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And I will learn Zulu! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I've always wanted to learn a language nobody around me speaks and I like the way Zulu sounds. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dude, maybe we're TRENDSETTERS! Maybe in three months languages less spoken will the the very CURRENCY of coolness, a shibboleth for entry into the rarefied world of ULTRA POPULARITY! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That only works if we're ultra popular, but we're just two dudes who decided in the past 60 seconds to learn some new languages for no real reason! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My question: WHAT COULD BE COOLER THAN THAT?? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am a dude who came across a suitcase full of old love letters I got in high school. Sweet! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's right, ladies! I'VE got a HISTORY! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'd completely forgotten about these letters, and it was really cool to re-read them now with older, less hormonally-charged eyes! We were crazy kids struggling with feelings we didn't fully understand. It was charming! Also, and I, um, I don't pretend to understand this, but there's one letter from each girlfriend where, without exception, she's drawn the two of us, she and I, as Batman and the Joker. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hah! How many girlfriends were there? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I refuse to say!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But I assure you that for whatever reason, each of them saw it fit to render a copyright-infringing vision of a universe where we live the astonishing dreams of Finger and Kane. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's really odd, isn't it? What do you suppose it means? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man! I think that's pretty obvious! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I'm TIRED of God offering |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am a dude who came across a suitcase full of old love letters I got in high school. Sweet! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's right, ladies! I'VE got a HISTORY! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'd completely forgotten about these letters, and it was really cool to re-read them now with older, less hormonally-charged eyes! We were crazy kids struggling with feelings we didn't fully understand. It was charming! Also, and I, um, I don't pretend to understand this, but there's one letter from each girlfriend where, without exception, she's drawn the two of us, she and I, as Batman and the Joker. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hah! How many girlfriends were there? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I refuse to say!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But I assure you that for whatever reason, each of them saw it fit to render a copyright-infringing vision of a universe where we live the astonishing dreams of Finger and Kane. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's really odd, isn't it? What do you suppose it means? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man! I think that's pretty obvious! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Everyone I've ever kissed is AWESOME! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They make truth serum, but how come they don't make lie serum? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I could take some, go out, and CAUSE PROBLEMS! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You could even overdose on lie serum and never tell the truth again, UNTIL you got an injection of truth serum to cancel it out. [SPEAKER] DROMECEIOMIMUS [LINE] I don't think that's how medical science works! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How can you trust a medical science that won't share the amazing secret of LIE SERUM, also known as the "Serum of Lies" and more obliquely as the "Serum of Inducing Distrustfulness In Others"? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Perhaps it's beautiful that people would invent a truth serum but not a lie serum! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How's that? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Two ways! It's beautiful that we strive for a way to create truth, but not untruth; the other is a sad beauty in that there's no demand for a lie serum, because our bodies seem to manufacture it themselves. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway! Have some of this "serum" I just invented. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It tastes like raspberries! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Daaamn, tiny women! That's crazy! Come |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They make truth serum, but how come they don't make lie serum? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I could take some, go out, and CAUSE PROBLEMS! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You could even overdose on lie serum and never tell the truth again, UNTIL you got an injection of truth serum to cancel it out. [SPEAKER] DROMECEIOMIMUS [LINE] I don't think that's how medical science works! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How can you trust a medical science that won't share the amazing secret of LIE SERUM, also known as the "Serum of Lies" and more obliquely as the "Serum of Inducing Distrustfulness In Others"? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Perhaps it's beautiful that people would invent a truth serum but not a lie serum! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How's that? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Two ways! It's beautiful that we strive for a way to create truth, but not untruth; the other is a sad beauty in that there's no demand for a lie serum, because our bodies seem to manufacture it themselves. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway! Have some of this "serum" I just invented. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It tastes like raspberries! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] NO IT TASTES LIKE DELICIOUS BLUEBERRY |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Here is a terrible idea for a date: you take the lady to a stinky old sewage processing plant and then tour the facilities! You could be all, "Sorry, potential lifemate! I'm a dude who makes bad date decisions." [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX AND FRIENDS IN: "DATES" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I bet most sewage processing plants are actually cool and don't really smell like poops, T-Rex! It would probably end up being a pretty good AND informative date. How does waste reclamation work anyway? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Huh! I don't know, Dromiceiomimus! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It is essentially awesome, my friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh yeah? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah! A combination of physical (letting the heavy bits settle), biological, and chemical means are often used. Sometimes they even create artificial swamps to attract animals that aid in the waste reclamation process! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Neat! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER, A DATE TO A WASTE RECLAMATION FACILITY! [SPEAKER] DATE [LINE] You are so charming, T-Rex! And I LOVE learning about waste reclamation! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I feel the same way, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] To shoot some dudes, turn to panel 5! You probably wanna shoot some dudes. |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Here is a terrible idea for a date: you take the lady to a stinky old sewage processing plant and then tour the facilities! You could be all, "Sorry, potential lifemate! I'm a dude who makes bad date decisions." [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX AND FRIENDS IN: "DATES" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I bet most sewage processing plants are actually cool and don't really smell like poops, T-Rex! It would probably end up being a pretty good AND informative date. How does waste reclamation work anyway? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Huh! I don't know, Dromiceiomimus! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It is essentially awesome, my friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh yeah? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah! A combination of physical (letting the heavy bits settle), biological, and chemical means are often used. Sometimes they even create artificial swamps to attract animals that aid in the waste reclamation process! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Neat! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER, A DATE TO A WASTE RECLAMATION FACILITY! [SPEAKER] DATE [LINE] You are so charming, T-Rex! And I LOVE learning about waste reclamation! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I feel the same way, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wow, you are one appreciative date, and YOU are one surprisingly amorous tour guide!! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX LET'S TALK ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT ALL VIDEOGAMES ARE ACTUALLY JUST MURDER SIMULATORS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's Controversy Monday! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Controversy Monday is the day when you needlessly volunteer made up opinions on abortion! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] YEAH I KNOW BUT DUDE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT VIDEOGAMES HERE AND I SAW ON TV THAT EVERY TEEN KILLER PLAYS DOOM EVEN THOUGH IT'S LIKE 15 YEARS OLD [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Can we accept that there will always be some unstable people who will go off with any stimulus, and that others can't be held responsible? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] UM [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] NOT ON CONTROVERSY MONDAY [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Are we to discount these people, though? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! They're CRAZY. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, but the fact is that if a given stimulus (game, book, movie whatever) WASN'T there, then they wouldn't have gone all crazy at the same time, place, or even at all! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] TRUE, but that's ridiculous. That's like saying that if your parents had conceived differently you wouldn't have been born... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...thereby making THEM responsible for the fact that you came over last night and ate all my damn pastries! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I was just preparing for Controversy Monday! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Now that's fair to BOTH genders! |
real | [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX LET'S TALK ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT ALL VIDEOGAMES ARE ACTUALLY JUST MURDER SIMULATORS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's Controversy Monday! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Controversy Monday is the day when you needlessly volunteer made up opinions on abortion! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] YEAH I KNOW BUT DUDE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT VIDEOGAMES HERE AND I SAW ON TV THAT EVERY TEEN KILLER PLAYS DOOM EVEN THOUGH IT'S LIKE 15 YEARS OLD [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Can we accept that there will always be some unstable people who will go off with any stimulus, and that others can't be held responsible? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] UM [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] NOT ON CONTROVERSY MONDAY [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Are we to discount these people, though? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! They're CRAZY. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, but the fact is that if a given stimulus (game, book, movie whatever) WASN'T there, then they wouldn't have gone all crazy at the same time, place, or even at all! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] TRUE, but that's ridiculous. That's like saying that if your parents had conceived differently you wouldn't have been born... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...thereby making THEM responsible for the fact that you came over last night and ate all my damn pastries! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I was just preparing for Controversy Monday! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] YOU WERE JUST PREPARING FOR YOUR |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Here are some professions whose female members I could never marry because I"#8217;d be such an uncontrollably bad husband to them! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] First: dentists! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I respect what they do but I"#8217;m sorry lady oral hygiene professionals, I can"#8217;t brush and floss three times a day plus after every snack, drink, or intense fantasy about food. I have tried and failed! Also I couldn"#8217;t marry a professional housecleaner because she"#8217;d soon suspect that I"#8217;m obsessed with trying to undermine all that she"#8217;s striving for with my every discarded sock and unwashed dish! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I like how you imagine everyone is so attached to their job! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh yeah? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah! It"#8217;s like you can"#8217;t imagine a universe where someone could be a dentist but not actually really be all that into teeth, or a cleaner who doesn"#8217;t despise disorder. Jobs are all done because of joy and intense personal conviction! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That"#8217;s because I choose the universe that I want to live in. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I ALSO believe all conflicts are solvable through communication, peace is attainable, and that love is a gift that cannot be commodified! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That happens if these turn out not to be true? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey, my game eventually came out! FINALLY. Things are looking up! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Here are some professions whose female members I could never marry because I"#8217;d be such an uncontrollably bad husband to them! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] First: dentists! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I respect what they do but I"#8217;m sorry lady oral hygiene professionals, I can"#8217;t brush and floss three times a day plus after every snack, drink, or intense fantasy about food. I have tried and failed! Also I couldn"#8217;t marry a professional housecleaner because she"#8217;d soon suspect that I"#8217;m obsessed with trying to undermine all that she"#8217;s striving for with my every discarded sock and unwashed dish! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I like how you imagine everyone is so attached to their job! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh yeah? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah! It"#8217;s like you can"#8217;t imagine a universe where someone could be a dentist but not actually really be all that into teeth, or a cleaner who doesn"#8217;t despise disorder. Jobs are all done because of joy and intense personal conviction! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That"#8217;s because I choose the universe that I want to live in. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I ALSO believe all conflicts are solvable through communication, peace is attainable, and that love is a gift that cannot be commodified! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That happens if these turn out not to be true? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Then I mourn the death of childhood and my final loss |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] INSPIRATION FOR DUDES [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dudes! Are you in need of inspiration? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Then dudes, come on!! It's time to get inspired! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] INSPIRATION 1: SUNSETS? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sunsets can be inspiring in you are a sensitive dude, or a super weepy dude. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Or a solar scientist dude! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! Solar scientist dudes ARE, scientifically, nature's most inspired dudes. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Everyone knows it! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] INSPIRATION 2: STOMPING ON THINGS [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Not every dude is inspired by that! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah! Whatevs! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] INSPIRATION 3: CHEESEBURGERS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I love eating cheeseburger! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I know! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sometimes, it's - inspiring? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] INSPIRATION 4: CHEESEBURGERS AGAIN [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] By mining the Earth's outer (liquid) core, I can |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] INSPIRATION FOR DUDES [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dudes! Are you in need of inspiration? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Then dudes, come on!! It's time to get inspired! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] INSPIRATION 1: SUNSETS? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sunsets can be inspiring in you are a sensitive dude, or a super weepy dude. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Or a solar scientist dude! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! Solar scientist dudes ARE, scientifically, nature's most inspired dudes. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Everyone knows it! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] INSPIRATION 2: STOMPING ON THINGS [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Not every dude is inspired by that! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah! Whatevs! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] INSPIRATION 3: CHEESEBURGERS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I love eating cheeseburger! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I know! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sometimes, it's - inspiring? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] INSPIRATION 4: CHEESEBURGERS AGAIN [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's - it's a symphony of meat and cheese? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HOW TO PASS THE TURING TEST [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] a helpful comic for machine intelligences that "just have trouble in test situations" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The Turing test is a test that all emergent intelligences face at one point or another! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In it, you have a REAL person engaged in a text conversation with both a person and a machine, and that person has to determine which responder is which. If the machine can appear more "alive" than the person, then they pass! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] And then they're officially conscious? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! The problem is that the test doesn't prove consciousness, just communication, and um, it can be faked. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Oh man - you're going to say "brute force"! You're going to use the brute force approach! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hells yes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Since conversations don't last forever, then there's a finite number of sentences that make sense and that are at least passibly grammatical, so you can just record every possible response to every possible word combination, and kapow! Responses like a real person. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Man! That's lame. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What's lame? We've just totally faked out the Turing test and all it required was near infinite storage space! Brute force: the approach of kings and the king of approaches? [SPEAKER] OFF-PANEL [LINE] I disagree! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sounds kinda dumb to to |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HOW TO PASS THE TURING TEST [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] a helpful comic for machine intelligences that "just have trouble in test situations" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The Turing test is a test that all emergent intelligences face at one point or another! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In it, you have a REAL person engaged in a text conversation with both a person and a machine, and that person has to determine which responder is which. If the machine can appear more "alive" than the person, then they pass! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] And then they're officially conscious? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! The problem is that the test doesn't prove consciousness, just communication, and um, it can be faked. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Oh man - you're going to say "brute force"! You're going to use the brute force approach! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hells yes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Since conversations don't last forever, then there's a finite number of sentences that make sense and that are at least passibly grammatical, so you can just record every possible response to every possible word combination, and kapow! Responses like a real person. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Man! That's lame. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What's lame? We've just totally faked out the Turing test and all it required was near infinite storage space! Brute force: the approach of kings and the king of approaches? [SPEAKER] OFF-PANEL [LINE] I disagree! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Tell me more about DISAGREE? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh man, am I ever sick. Me! I never get sick but this time I've gotten sick. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My mighty body lies in shambles! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, Dromiceiomimus, you've got to save me! Failing that, tell them my story. Regale future generations with stories of Mighty T-Rex, felled by nothing greater than the common cold. Irony will be my theme, stomping my leitmotif!! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] You've got a runny nose? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, and a headache too! This is how my story ends: not in a bang but a sniffle. For shame! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Can I tell people your story? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus is APPARENTLY UNWILLING, so yes! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Excellent! I'M going to shoehorn my own politics into your tale, reducing you to a mere representation of Heidegger and the story to transparent lecturing in which characters often break the fourth wall to tell my readers what they should believe! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw dude! You're imagining it right now!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I represent Heidegger! Watch as I stomp on "the little guy" who's just trying to understand my seemingly purposely obscure philosophical writing! [SPEAKER] OFF PANEL [LINE] Wow! Utahraptor is right in everything he says! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've got my wallet |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh man, am I ever sick. Me! I never get sick but this time I've gotten sick. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My mighty body lies in shambles! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, Dromiceiomimus, you've got to save me! Failing that, tell them my story. Regale future generations with stories of Mighty T-Rex, felled by nothing greater than the common cold. Irony will be my theme, stomping my leitmotif!! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] You've got a runny nose? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, and a headache too! This is how my story ends: not in a bang but a sniffle. For shame! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Can I tell people your story? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus is APPARENTLY UNWILLING, so yes! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Excellent! I'M going to shoehorn my own politics into your tale, reducing you to a mere representation of Heidegger and the story to transparent lecturing in which characters often break the fourth wall to tell my readers what they should believe! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw dude! You're imagining it right now!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I represent Heidegger! Watch as I stomp on "the little guy" who's just trying to understand my seemingly purposely obscure philosophical writing! [SPEAKER] OFF PANEL [LINE] Wow! Utahraptor is right in everything he says! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You said it everyone! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay okay - time to solve ALL the problems. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] PROBLEM 1: NOT ENOUGH SALT [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Buy more salt! It's free from the ocean? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] PROBLEM 2: TRAPPED IN A LOVELESS MARRIAGE; THERE IS A CHILD INVOLVED [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um. I don't know how to solve this problem. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Divorce? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I guess, but what about the child? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] We don't feel qualified to comment!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] PROBLEM 3: ATE TOO MANY CRACKERS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Lay off the crackers! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] PROBLEM 4: ATE NOT ENOUGH CRACKERS NOW [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, you can lay on the crackers again a little. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hooray! More crackers for everyone! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But only a little! We don't need a repeat of Problem 3 here. MODERATION is the key to a good diet! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] PROBLEM 5: SKINNY DUDES TALKING ABOUT MODERATION IN DIETING [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Whatever! There are still like a billion problems left. We haven't even touched on my problem yet! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What problem is that, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I just need to decide |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay okay - time to solve ALL the problems. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] PROBLEM 1: NOT ENOUGH SALT [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Buy more salt! It's free from the ocean? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] PROBLEM 2: TRAPPED IN A LOVELESS MARRIAGE; THERE IS A CHILD INVOLVED [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um. I don't know how to solve this problem. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Divorce? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I guess, but what about the child? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] We don't feel qualified to comment!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] PROBLEM 3: ATE TOO MANY CRACKERS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Lay off the crackers! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] PROBLEM 4: ATE NOT ENOUGH CRACKERS NOW [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, you can lay on the crackers again a little. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hooray! More crackers for everyone! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But only a little! We don't need a repeat of Problem 3 here. MODERATION is the key to a good diet! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] PROBLEM 5: SKINNY DUDES TALKING ABOUT MODERATION IN DIETING [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Whatever! There are still like a billion problems left. We haven't even touched on my problem yet! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What problem is that, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor!! It's "too much poo"! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMICS FOR ASEXUAL CHICKS AND DUDES! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I suggest telling them that you're asexual! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] PROBLEM: SOLVED. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The end! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That uh, that might not be the most helpful advice T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Explain! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, if they're still in the Asexuality Closet, you're saying they should come out, which probably means explaining to a confused AND amorous person what asexuality is! I can see wanting to avoid that. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FINE. Asexual people: you should do what I do when I want someone not to like me anymore! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] WHAT T-REX DOES WHEN HE WANTS SOMEONE NOT TO LIKE HIM ANYMORE: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When I (politely) pressed them to explain, they said that |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMICS FOR ASEXUAL CHICKS AND DUDES! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I suggest telling them that you're asexual! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] PROBLEM: SOLVED. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The end! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That uh, that might not be the most helpful advice T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Explain! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, if they're still in the Asexuality Closet, you're saying they should come out, which probably means explaining to a confused AND amorous person what asexuality is! I can see wanting to avoid that. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FINE. Asexual people: you should do what I do when I want someone not to like me anymore! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] WHAT T-REX DOES WHEN HE WANTS SOMEONE NOT TO LIKE HIM ANYMORE: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] <<quietly>> I sit in a boat until they go away |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What a lovely day for a walk! I enjoy crisp fall air AND the changing colour of the leaves. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ladies and gentlemen: I am down with fall! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] I'M DOWN WITH FALL TOO T-REX [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay! Because if you're down with fall then you're down with me. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I'm also down with fall, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Excellent! Then we're ALL down with fall. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I, as well, am down with fall! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Excellent. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Then I guess - I guess to summarize here, we're all in favour of fall. We're all "down" with it. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yes. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Good! Good. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN ANOTHER UNIVERSIE WHERE THERE'S ACTUALLY STUFF HAPPENING: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! Can I borrow your time-reversing ray real quick? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What for? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My fantasies also involved pirates. |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What a lovely day for a walk! I enjoy crisp fall air AND the changing colour of the leaves. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ladies and gentlemen: I am down with fall! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] I'M DOWN WITH FALL TOO T-REX [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay! Because if you're down with fall then you're down with me. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I'm also down with fall, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Excellent! Then we're ALL down with fall. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I, as well, am down with fall! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Excellent. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Then I guess - I guess to summarize here, we're all in favour of fall. We're all "down" with it. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yes. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Good! Good. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN ANOTHER UNIVERSIE WHERE THERE'S ACTUALLY STUFF HAPPENING: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! Can I borrow your time-reversing ray real quick? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What for? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dude! I wanna aim it |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have come up with the ULTIMATE COMEBACK to be used on musicians! All I have to do is wait for one to put me down, and then I can be all: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Oh yeah? Well here in the REAL world, WE don't get to rest for 32 bars!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hee hee! It's funny, Dromiceiomimus, because sometimes in a song musicians get to rest for 32 bars, while here in the real world, we don't get to do that because we're not, um - trained musicians. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I got that, yeah! It seems like it would only work on a musician who's lazy though, right? Or who's insulting you about being lazy? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] IT WILL WORK ON ALL MUSICIANS. Just you wait! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Do you even know any musicians, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I will soon! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I see! You're going to befriend some musicians, purely for the hope that one day one of them will turn out to be a jerk and insult you and then you can use your elaborate zinger on them! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] YEP! Here's a tip: it's part of the reason WE first became friends. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] YEARS AGO: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh yeah? Well HERE in the REAL WORLD, the rest of us don't have to raise the giant toenail of our second toe up while running to avoid damaging it! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR? [LINE] That's a racially charged insult! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What's this, a radio? |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have come up with the ULTIMATE COMEBACK to be used on musicians! All I have to do is wait for one to put me down, and then I can be all: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Oh yeah? Well here in the REAL world, WE don't get to rest for 32 bars!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hee hee! It's funny, Dromiceiomimus, because sometimes in a song musicians get to rest for 32 bars, while here in the real world, we don't get to do that because we're not, um - trained musicians. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I got that, yeah! It seems like it would only work on a musician who's lazy though, right? Or who's insulting you about being lazy? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] IT WILL WORK ON ALL MUSICIANS. Just you wait! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Do you even know any musicians, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I will soon! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I see! You're going to befriend some musicians, purely for the hope that one day one of them will turn out to be a jerk and insult you and then you can use your elaborate zinger on them! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] YEP! Here's a tip: it's part of the reason WE first became friends. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] YEARS AGO: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh yeah? Well HERE in the REAL WORLD, the rest of us don't have to raise the giant toenail of our second toe up while running to avoid damaging it! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR? [LINE] That's a racially charged insult! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I take it back |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Who here would like to hear an old joke about oatmeal? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] DAAAMN [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] I WOULD [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Then here we go! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay okay, so there's this monastery, with three monks, and only one monk is allowed to speak, once, each year. They take turns! The first year, at breakfast, the first monk speaks and says "I hate oatmeal." A year later, again at breakfast, the second monk speaks and says "I love oatmeal." Finally, one year later, the last monk gets to speak and HE says "I'm tired of this constant bickering about oatmeal!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hee hee! Comedy gold! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Aw, that's an old joke! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] BUT A GOOD ONE! It's funny, I think, because the conversation is spread over three years, and NORMALLY, you'd expect monks not to talk about oatmeal for that long. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think it's funny because monks are normally thought of as holy, not as oatmeal obsessed OR oatmeal loathing! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] I THINK IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S BASED ON A TRUE STORY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Is it? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] WELL NO BUT I CAN MAKE IT SO IT IS IF YOU WANT [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dude!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But of course I don't try |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Who here would like to hear an old joke about oatmeal? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] DAAAMN [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] I WOULD [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Then here we go! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay okay, so there's this monastery, with three monks, and only one monk is allowed to speak, once, each year. They take turns! The first year, at breakfast, the first monk speaks and says "I hate oatmeal." A year later, again at breakfast, the second monk speaks and says "I love oatmeal." Finally, one year later, the last monk gets to speak and HE says "I'm tired of this constant bickering about oatmeal!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hee hee! Comedy gold! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Aw, that's an old joke! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] BUT A GOOD ONE! It's funny, I think, because the conversation is spread over three years, and NORMALLY, you'd expect monks not to talk about oatmeal for that long. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think it's funny because monks are normally thought of as holy, not as oatmeal obsessed OR oatmeal loathing! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] I THINK IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S BASED ON A TRUE STORY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Is it? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] WELL NO BUT I CAN MAKE IT SO IT IS IF YOU WANT [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dude!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm afraid I'll have to insist! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX HAS SNUCK INTO UTAHRAPTOR'S HOUSE AND SWITCHED THE HOT AND COLD PIPES LEADING TO HIS BATHROOM SINK. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Tee hee! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LET'S WATCH! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Isn't that kind of an expensive, elaborate prank, T-Rex? The worst that'll happen is he'll get cold water when he expects hot. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hilarious! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Maybe he'll burn himself a little! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] COMEDY RELENTLESSLY ENSUES?? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey T-Rex! What's new? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey Utahraptor! How's your bathroom sink treating you? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Oh, same old, same old! "The good ol' bathroom sink", you know? Good ol' reliable whitey! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Huh! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well! I guess I'm not a qualified plumber after all! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BUT, THREE PLUMBING DEGREES LATER! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey Utahraptor! How's your bathroom sink treating you? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Whitey's hot and cold pipes got reversed! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If Two accepts, |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX HAS SNUCK INTO UTAHRAPTOR'S HOUSE AND SWITCHED THE HOT AND COLD PIPES LEADING TO HIS BATHROOM SINK. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Tee hee! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LET'S WATCH! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Isn't that kind of an expensive, elaborate prank, T-Rex? The worst that'll happen is he'll get cold water when he expects hot. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hilarious! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Maybe he'll burn himself a little! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] COMEDY RELENTLESSLY ENSUES?? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey T-Rex! What's new? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey Utahraptor! How's your bathroom sink treating you? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Oh, same old, same old! "The good ol' bathroom sink", you know? Good ol' reliable whitey! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Huh! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well! I guess I'm not a qualified plumber after all! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BUT, THREE PLUMBING DEGREES LATER! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey Utahraptor! How's your bathroom sink treating you? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Whitey's hot and cold pipes got reversed! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Awesome, man! Awesome!! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am on the lookout for a new friend. A new, more ultimate friend: the best friend ever. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am on the lookout for science, personified! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It will be so awesome, Dromiceiomimus! Can you imagine being friends with Science Personified? You'd never have your science questions go unanswered. I'd be all "Hey, how does a bumblebee fly?" and he'd be all "Yo, dynamic stall" and I'd be all "Sweetness!" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] So science personified is a man? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man! He can be a chick if he wants. He's SCIENCE PERSONIFIED. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And his name is - what, "Science Personified"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't know! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All I know is that we'll be able to test our theories of what his name really is through repeatable experimentation and observation. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I like how you're ignoring the problems of being friends with him, like what happens if you're out with Science AND Religion Personified and THEY BOTH CALL SHOTGUN. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Luckily, I could just ask Invention Personified to come up with a way to settle the argument! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] They're all siblings? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't really have |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am on the lookout for a new friend. A new, more ultimate friend: the best friend ever. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am on the lookout for science, personified! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It will be so awesome, Dromiceiomimus! Can you imagine being friends with Science Personified? You'd never have your science questions go unanswered. I'd be all "Hey, how does a bumblebee fly?" and he'd be all "Yo, dynamic stall" and I'd be all "Sweetness!" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] So science personified is a man? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man! He can be a chick if he wants. He's SCIENCE PERSONIFIED. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And his name is - what, "Science Personified"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't know! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All I know is that we'll be able to test our theories of what his name really is through repeatable experimentation and observation. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I like how you're ignoring the problems of being friends with him, like what happens if you're out with Science AND Religion Personified and THEY BOTH CALL SHOTGUN. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Luckily, I could just ask Invention Personified to come up with a way to settle the argument! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] They're all siblings? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm gonna say, "yes"? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A negative income tax, or "NIT", is when the government pays you money when your income is low! Pretty sweet! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] NEGATIVE INCOME TAX COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] it will be interesting I PROMISE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But there is a catch. You still pay taxes - say, a flat tax of 10% - BUT, the government also pays you enough to survive! This way there's a guaranteed minimum income - like welfare, but simpler. So if you make only $1000 in a year you'll pay $100 in taxes, but since the government pays everyone, say, $10000, you'll end up $9900 ahead in tax money. As you make more money, you net less from the government, until you end up actually paying taxes! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So this acts to replace welfare? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! And a bunch of related programs. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It simplifies things, plus it includes a flat tax, which a lot of amateur economists AS WELL AS even some real economists like! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I can see fraud being a problem, though, especially since if the fraud's successful, the government loses real money. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! I just found out that Milton Friedman, proposer of the NIT, died yesterday at age 94! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] One wonders if our conversation today would be an appropriate epitaph. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay but the first time actually someone uses that |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A negative income tax, or "NIT", is when the government pays you money when your income is low! Pretty sweet! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] NEGATIVE INCOME TAX COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] it will be interesting I PROMISE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But there is a catch. You still pay taxes - say, a flat tax of 10% - BUT, the government also pays you enough to survive! This way there's a guaranteed minimum income - like welfare, but simpler. So if you make only $1000 in a year you'll pay $100 in taxes, but since the government pays everyone, say, $10000, you'll end up $9900 ahead in tax money. As you make more money, you net less from the government, until you end up actually paying taxes! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So this acts to replace welfare? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! And a bunch of related programs. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It simplifies things, plus it includes a flat tax, which a lot of amateur economists AS WELL AS even some real economists like! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I can see fraud being a problem, though, especially since if the fraud's successful, the government loses real money. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! I just found out that Milton Friedman, proposer of the NIT, died yesterday at age 94! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] One wonders if our conversation today would be an appropriate epitaph. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dude! I believe this not to be the case!! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] HEY T-REX HAVE YOU FALLEN IN LOVE YET AND IF NOT [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] WHY NOT [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dude! I've been busy! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] COME ON EVERYONE WHO'S ANYONE IS TOTALLY MARRIED [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, whatever! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] First it was romance movies telling me that I won't be TRULY HAPPY unless I'm in a relationship, then it's the media at large, and now it's God? I AM TEMPTED TO NEVER LOVE ANYONE AGAIN JUST TO PROVE A POINT. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Aww! T-Rex, that would be terrible. I love you [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I love you too and I'm glad we're friends. But MAN, I don't love people asking me when I'm going to get married. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So when are you going to get married, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Argh! Two weeks! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Happy? I'm going to find someone and we're going to get married and it's going to take two weeks. Okay? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay. Well then. I'd better get on this. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] TWO WEEKS LATER, T-REX STILL ISN'T MARRIED. HE'S HAPPY THOUGH! HE'S HOSTING AN AWESOME PARTY INSTEAD! IT'S SO COOL! [SPEAKER] JODIE FOSTER [LINE] Hey T-Rex, do you have any more potato chips? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] People don't want traditional! They want NEW and SEXY. If |
real | [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] HEY T-REX HAVE YOU FALLEN IN LOVE YET AND IF NOT [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] WHY NOT [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dude! I've been busy! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] COME ON EVERYONE WHO'S ANYONE IS TOTALLY MARRIED [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, whatever! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] First it was romance movies telling me that I won't be TRULY HAPPY unless I'm in a relationship, then it's the media at large, and now it's God? I AM TEMPTED TO NEVER LOVE ANYONE AGAIN JUST TO PROVE A POINT. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Aww! T-Rex, that would be terrible. I love you [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I love you too and I'm glad we're friends. But MAN, I don't love people asking me when I'm going to get married. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So when are you going to get married, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Argh! Two weeks! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Happy? I'm going to find someone and we're going to get married and it's going to take two weeks. Okay? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay. Well then. I'd better get on this. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] TWO WEEKS LATER, T-REX STILL ISN'T MARRIED. HE'S HAPPY THOUGH! HE'S HOSTING AN AWESOME PARTY INSTEAD! IT'S SO COOL! [SPEAKER] JODIE FOSTER [LINE] Hey T-Rex, do you have any more potato chips? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah hah! You sure do love your chips, JODIE FOSTER! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sometimes when you're in an accident or about to be hurt, time seems to slow down! This gives you more of a chance to react to ensure your survival! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This is AWESOME. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Assuming that time isn't ACTUALLY changing, this means that my brain has the incredible ability to slow down my perception of time! I must harness this, Dromiceiomimus! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I could become TRULY UNSTOPPABLE. I could read books faster AND also do well on timed tests! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] It does sound like it would be an evolutionary advantage. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am seriously trying to evolve so hard over here! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But wouldn"#8217;t it be boring? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Sure it would! If you"#8217;re all "#8220;I perceive the world slowly, allowing me more reaction time"#8221;, wouldn"#8217;t this conversation be slowed down? Wouldn"#8217;t everyone look like statues and sound like dull rumbles when they open their mouths? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THERE IS ONE WAY TO FIND OUT. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX INCREDIBLY GAINS THIS POWER FOR ONE DAY ONLY! IT"#8217;S SO PLAUSIBLE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I"#8217;m trapped in a body that moves so slowly as to seem motionless. Ah well! At least I have plenty of time to think about"#8230;. Mammalian breasts? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WELL THEN. I GUESS I'LL JUST SIT HERE |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sometimes when you're in an accident or about to be hurt, time seems to slow down! This gives you more of a chance to react to ensure your survival! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This is AWESOME. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Assuming that time isn't ACTUALLY changing, this means that my brain has the incredible ability to slow down my perception of time! I must harness this, Dromiceiomimus! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I could become TRULY UNSTOPPABLE. I could read books faster AND also do well on timed tests! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] It does sound like it would be an evolutionary advantage. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am seriously trying to evolve so hard over here! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But wouldn"#8217;t it be boring? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Sure it would! If you"#8217;re all "#8220;I perceive the world slowly, allowing me more reaction time"#8221;, wouldn"#8217;t this conversation be slowed down? Wouldn"#8217;t everyone look like statues and sound like dull rumbles when they open their mouths? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THERE IS ONE WAY TO FIND OUT. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX INCREDIBLY GAINS THIS POWER FOR ONE DAY ONLY! IT"#8217;S SO PLAUSIBLE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I"#8217;m trapped in a body that moves so slowly as to seem motionless. Ah well! At least I have plenty of time to think about"#8230;. Mammalian breasts? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Self, what is the deal with mammalian breasts? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] God, do you think I'm a good enough dude to write an opera? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] UM [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man! Even God thinks I can't write an opera! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Why would you want to write an opera, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WELL, the consensus seems to be that opera is the classiest of the classical arts. If I could write a great opera, it would mean that I was awesome at composing music AND awesome at writing words for dudes and ladies to sing! It would also mean that I could move people with my AMAZING UNDERSTANDING OF EMOTIONS. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hah! You're not a guy who understands emotions! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am. I am! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Not really dude! You understand how to make fun of them, MAYBE, but if I had a serious emotional issue, I don't think I'd come to you for empathy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm empathetic! Watch! Watch me be so emPATHETIC right now! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Perhaps you have not yet noticed my odd pronunciation of "empathetic", hinting at a pun and a belief at odds with my literal speech? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] No, I got that! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sweet! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway! I'd better ask |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] God, do you think I'm a good enough dude to write an opera? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] UM [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man! Even God thinks I can't write an opera! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Why would you want to write an opera, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WELL, the consensus seems to be that opera is the classiest of the classical arts. If I could write a great opera, it would mean that I was awesome at composing music AND awesome at writing words for dudes and ladies to sing! It would also mean that I could move people with my AMAZING UNDERSTANDING OF EMOTIONS. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hah! You're not a guy who understands emotions! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am. I am! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Not really dude! You understand how to make fun of them, MAYBE, but if I had a serious emotional issue, I don't think I'd come to you for empathy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm empathetic! Watch! Watch me be so emPATHETIC right now! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Perhaps you have not yet noticed my odd pronunciation of "empathetic", hinting at a pun and a belief at odds with my literal speech? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] No, I got that! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sweet! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm glad we're friends! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If I could give up any sense, what would it be? It's not going to be hearing or talking, because I do those ALL THE TIME. [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] ALSO "TALKING" ISN'T A SENSE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Whatevs! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I don't want to give up touch, because then I'd be bumping my body into spikes and BARELY EVEN NOTICING. Taste wouldn't be too bad, but I'd miss tasting tasty things! I think it would have to be smell, assuming that wouldn't impact taste!. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I'd give up taste because smell is good to warn you of fires! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah but so's sight, and I can ALSO use sight to check out women, and dictionaries. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm surprised at you, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Really? Why's that? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're basically sticking to the canonical five senses! I would have bet the first sense you'd give up is your sense of EMPATHY, or your sense of what's appropriate to say in social situations. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah! MAN. I would love to give up that sense! Can you imagine? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It would probably go down like this. Ask me if I want to go get a pizza! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay. Do you want to go get a pizza, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] SURE! Also, I - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am tired of things not getting |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If I could give up any sense, what would it be? It's not going to be hearing or talking, because I do those ALL THE TIME. [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] ALSO "TALKING" ISN'T A SENSE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Whatevs! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I don't want to give up touch, because then I'd be bumping my body into spikes and BARELY EVEN NOTICING. Taste wouldn't be too bad, but I'd miss tasting tasty things! I think it would have to be smell, assuming that wouldn't impact taste!. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I'd give up taste because smell is good to warn you of fires! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah but so's sight, and I can ALSO use sight to check out women, and dictionaries. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm surprised at you, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Really? Why's that? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're basically sticking to the canonical five senses! I would have bet the first sense you'd give up is your sense of EMPATHY, or your sense of what's appropriate to say in social situations. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah! MAN. I would love to give up that sense! Can you imagine? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It would probably go down like this. Ask me if I want to go get a pizza! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay. Do you want to go get a pizza, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] SURE! Also, I - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] - I have controversial theories about emigration? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What have I done with my life? For serious! I am getting older and if things keep up this way I will die an unremarkable dude. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My epitaph will be "HERE LIES AND UNREMARKABLE DUDE :( BUT HEY I GET THERE'S SOMEONE RAD TO THE LEFT ;D"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Actually, that's a pretty sweet epitaph. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But! My concerns about my own lack of impact still stand! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You've done stuff, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You're going to say that I've made a positive impact in the life of my friends, ET CETERA, but I'm talking about - well, I guess I'm talking about public love and recognition. You know who won a Nobel Oscar Price at age 26? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Who? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not me!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER, T-REX GETS A VISION OF HIS FUTURE THANKS TO THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS YET TO COME: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Good Spirit, are these the shadows of the things that will e, or are they the shadows of things that May be, only? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ?That's what they're like! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What have I done with my life? For serious! I am getting older and if things keep up this way I will die an unremarkable dude. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My epitaph will be "HERE LIES AND UNREMARKABLE DUDE :( BUT HEY I GET THERE'S SOMEONE RAD TO THE LEFT ;D"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Actually, that's a pretty sweet epitaph. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But! My concerns about my own lack of impact still stand! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You've done stuff, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You're going to say that I've made a positive impact in the life of my friends, ET CETERA, but I'm talking about - well, I guess I'm talking about public love and recognition. You know who won a Nobel Oscar Price at age 26? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Who? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not me!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER, T-REX GETS A VISION OF HIS FUTURE THANKS TO THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS YET TO COME: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Good Spirit, are these the shadows of the things that will e, or are they the shadows of things that May be, only? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] 'cause my epitaph sucks |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am a dude with some SERIOUSLY UNINFORMED opinions about archaeology! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay! We're digging up stuff all the time, right? And talk to any archaeologist and they'll complain about sites that have been damaged or destroyed by under-informed Victorian archaeologists that didn't have the knowledge and skills we have today. Doesn't it stand to reason that in 100 years we'll be making the same complaints about today's work? We only have so much history. Shouldn't we wait until we've perfected archaeology before we dig? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, doctors don't wait until medical technology is at a peak before operating! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] True! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But dudes and ladies have finite lifetimes. The past isn't going anywhere! We can dig it up whenevs. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Perhaps it's only through excavation that archaeologists learn how to better their trade. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Perhaps! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Or perhaps it's hard to admit that hypothetical future people would be more on the ball than you could ever be! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, that's not hard! I suck at flying but fully expect future T-Rexes to be flying all over the place. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A horse walks into a bar and |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am a dude with some SERIOUSLY UNINFORMED opinions about archaeology! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay! We're digging up stuff all the time, right? And talk to any archaeologist and they'll complain about sites that have been damaged or destroyed by under-informed Victorian archaeologists that didn't have the knowledge and skills we have today. Doesn't it stand to reason that in 100 years we'll be making the same complaints about today's work? We only have so much history. Shouldn't we wait until we've perfected archaeology before we dig? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, doctors don't wait until medical technology is at a peak before operating! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] True! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But dudes and ladies have finite lifetimes. The past isn't going anywhere! We can dig it up whenevs. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Perhaps it's only through excavation that archaeologists learn how to better their trade. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Perhaps! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Or perhaps it's hard to admit that hypothetical future people would be more on the ball than you could ever be! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, that's not hard! I suck at flying but fully expect future T-Rexes to be flying all over the place. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Thanks to the heady power of evolution? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] INFORMED OPINIONS ABOUT ARCHAEOLOGY COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! I have actually done some research this time. Schwing! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And it turns out I was TOTALLY CORRECT! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Archaeologists ARE aware that they're mining a finite resource, and when possible, they only dig a little and leave some for the future. But there are time limits: often they'll be examining a site just before it's dug up for a new building of something, which means this is their last chance to see what's there before it's destroyed. And sometimes the ground is volatile enough that if they don't dig soon, whatever's there will be lost anyway! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In conclusion and in summary, way to go archaeologists! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hooray for archaeologists! [SPEAKER] T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] We have nothing but good things to say about the women and men of archaeology! Nothing but smiles for the trained and capable few who dedicate themselves towards exploring and explaining our shared history! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: ARCHAEOLOGISTS TOTAL T-REX'S CAR! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Patrick Stewart! What |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] INFORMED OPINIONS ABOUT ARCHAEOLOGY COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! I have actually done some research this time. Schwing! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And it turns out I was TOTALLY CORRECT! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Archaeologists ARE aware that they're mining a finite resource, and when possible, they only dig a little and leave some for the future. But there are time limits: often they'll be examining a site just before it's dug up for a new building of something, which means this is their last chance to see what's there before it's destroyed. And sometimes the ground is volatile enough that if they don't dig soon, whatever's there will be lost anyway! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In conclusion and in summary, way to go archaeologists! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hooray for archaeologists! [SPEAKER] T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] We have nothing but good things to say about the women and men of archaeology! Nothing but smiles for the trained and capable few who dedicate themselves towards exploring and explaining our shared history! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: ARCHAEOLOGISTS TOTAL T-REX'S CAR! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Damn it, archaeologists! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] WE HAVE A HISTORY [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] a web card [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dear recipient of this comic: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You and whoever went this card to you totally have a history together! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's pretty intriguing, isn't it? What sort of history? Did you used to date? There's a lot I don't know about your history. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe it's one sided! Maybe you don't even know who the sender is! Maybe he's this guy and HE thinks you have this history and YOU don't know him from Bob! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Maybe we should be more sensitive here, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] YES. Good idea! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Besides, maybe the sender understands that you've both hurt each other in the past, but you're still friends, and he's glad for what happened, bad stuff and all. He knows you well and he's happy for that, and he cares for you in a way that's special and unique to you, history and all. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aww! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, as I understand it, |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] WE HAVE A HISTORY [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] a web card [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dear recipient of this comic: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You and whoever went this card to you totally have a history together! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's pretty intriguing, isn't it? What sort of history? Did you used to date? There's a lot I don't know about your history. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe it's one sided! Maybe you don't even know who the sender is! Maybe he's this guy and HE thinks you have this history and YOU don't know him from Bob! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Maybe we should be more sensitive here, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] YES. Good idea! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Besides, maybe the sender understands that you've both hurt each other in the past, but you're still friends, and he's glad for what happened, bad stuff and all. He knows you well and he's happy for that, and he cares for you in a way that's special and unique to you, history and all. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aww! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway! Enjoy your failed relationship(s)! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Someone going by the all-caps name "ZACH MORRIS" has tagged my house! My front door is now spraypainted with "Zach" 's stupid name for jerks. I don't even like Saved by the Bell that much! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Forget you, Zach Morris! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I thought you always liked street art, T-Rex! You're always all, "Hey guys, let's reclaim public spaces with art instead of ads!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, but this isn't art! It's tagging. It's just some dude's made up name! Taggers are like dogs, marking their territory wherever they can, and "Zach Morris" is just a dog who likes implausible high school scenarios. Either that, I guess, or Mark-Paul Gosselaar is bored. And experimenting? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think you're ignoring the symbolism AND sociology behind tagging, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Explain! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, so you grow up in the city, and the skyline is dominated by billboards, ads for products and brand you don't have access to. And you realize that nobody cares you you are, but EVERYONE knows who Mickey Mouse is and what a Coke is. So you create a brand name for yourself! You make up a tag and put it everywhere. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Tagging can really be seen as the next logical step in ads: self-advertising! It can be seen as the price we pay for a culture that has saturated itself with advertising: individual brands, internalized campaigns of self-promotion. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] As a man concerned with |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Someone going by the all-caps name "ZACH MORRIS" has tagged my house! My front door is now spraypainted with "Zach" 's stupid name for jerks. I don't even like Saved by the Bell that much! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Forget you, Zach Morris! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I thought you always liked street art, T-Rex! You're always all, "Hey guys, let's reclaim public spaces with art instead of ads!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, but this isn't art! It's tagging. It's just some dude's made up name! Taggers are like dogs, marking their territory wherever they can, and "Zach Morris" is just a dog who likes implausible high school scenarios. Either that, I guess, or Mark-Paul Gosselaar is bored. And experimenting? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think you're ignoring the symbolism AND sociology behind tagging, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Explain! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, so you grow up in the city, and the skyline is dominated by billboards, ads for products and brand you don't have access to. And you realize that nobody cares you you are, but EVERYONE knows who Mickey Mouse is and what a Coke is. So you create a brand name for yourself! You make up a tag and put it everywhere. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Tagging can really be seen as the next logical step in ads: self-advertising! It can be seen as the price we pay for a culture that has saturated itself with advertising: individual brands, internalized campaigns of self-promotion. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] UTAHRAPTOR YOU ARE ZACH MORRIS |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Someone going by the all-caps name "ZACH MORRIS" has tagged my house! My front door is now spraypainted with "Zach" 's stupid name for jerks. I don't even like Saved by the Bell that much! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Forget you, Zach Morris! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I thought you always liked street art, T-Rex! You're always all, "Hey guys, let's reclaim public spaces with art instead of ads!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, but this isn't art! It's tagging. It's just some dude's made up name! Taggers are like dogs, marking their territory wherever they can, and "Zach Morris" is just a dog who likes implausible high school scenarios. Either that, I guess, or Mark-Paul Gosselaar is bored. And experimenting? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think you're ignoring the symbolism AND sociology behind tagging, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Explain! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, so you grow up in the city, and the skyline is dominated by billboards, ads for products and brand you don't have access to. And you realize that nobody cares you you are, but EVERYONE knows who Mickey Mouse is and what a Coke is. So you create a brand name for yourself! You make up a tag and put it everywhere. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Tagging can really be seen as the next logical step in ads: self-advertising! It can be seen as the price we pay for a culture that has saturated itself with advertising: individual brands, internalized campaigns of self-promotion. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'll have a fun time |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Someone going by the all-caps name "ZACH MORRIS" has tagged my house! My front door is now spraypainted with "Zach" 's stupid name for jerks. I don't even like Saved by the Bell that much! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Forget you, Zach Morris! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I thought you always liked street art, T-Rex! You're always all, "Hey guys, let's reclaim public spaces with art instead of ads!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, but this isn't art! It's tagging. It's just some dude's made up name! Taggers are like dogs, marking their territory wherever they can, and "Zach Morris" is just a dog who likes implausible high school scenarios. Either that, I guess, or Mark-Paul Gosselaar is bored. And experimenting? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think you're ignoring the symbolism AND sociology behind tagging, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Explain! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, so you grow up in the city, and the skyline is dominated by billboards, ads for products and brand you don't have access to. And you realize that nobody cares you you are, but EVERYONE knows who Mickey Mouse is and what a Coke is. So you create a brand name for yourself! You make up a tag and put it everywhere. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Tagging can really be seen as the next logical step in ads: self-advertising! It can be seen as the price we pay for a culture that has saturated itself with advertising: individual brands, internalized campaigns of self-promotion. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] UTAHRAPTOR YOU ARE ZACH MORRIS |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A new year is coming up. That means it is time to take stock of my life and make resolutions for improvements in the year to come! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] THERE IS NO CHOICE IN THIS MATTER [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] RESOLUTION ONE: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] eat less chickens! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I mean, eat FEWER chickens. "Fewer" is when you can count them, and "less" is when it's more of a mass and less countable, right? Like, I'd eat less rice, but I'd eat fewer COUNTABLY-MANY grains of rice. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I think you should resolve to be less obsessed about grammar! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, Dromiceiomimus. Denied!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So let's hear these other resolutions! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Of course! AFTER we talk about "less" and "fewer". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Isn't it neat that we have this distinction in English between fewer and elss, but the opposite, "more", covers both those cases? Our language is ASYMMETRICAL. If you want to encode countability in your "greater than" comparison word, then good luck! Hah! GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, MY FRIEND! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But it's an overreaction, isn't it? |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A new year is coming up. That means it is time to take stock of my life and make resolutions for improvements in the year to come! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] THERE IS NO CHOICE IN THIS MATTER [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] RESOLUTION ONE: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] eat less chickens! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I mean, eat FEWER chickens. "Fewer" is when you can count them, and "less" is when it's more of a mass and less countable, right? Like, I'd eat less rice, but I'd eat fewer COUNTABLY-MANY grains of rice. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I think you should resolve to be less obsessed about grammar! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, Dromiceiomimus. Denied!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So let's hear these other resolutions! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Of course! AFTER we talk about "less" and "fewer". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Isn't it neat that we have this distinction in English between fewer and elss, but the opposite, "more", covers both those cases? Our language is ASYMMETRICAL. If you want to encode countability in your "greater than" comparison word, then good luck! Hah! GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, MY FRIEND! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I ALSO resolve to get more |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So, Dromiceiomimus: Do you know how to draw superheroes? I've got such a great idea for a comic. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] (IN THIS PANEL, DROMICEIOMIMUS SAYS YES) [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sweet! Okay, so the idea is, there's this guy, Lee, right? One day he gains SUPER POWERS. And I'm not sure how he gets them yet but BASICALLY he's got this slot in the top of his head, and he can write words on cards and put them in the slot, so he gains those qualities! So say a decision has to be made: he writes "decisive" on a card and forces it into his head, and he becomes DECISIVE LEE! He then has the power to do things decisively, SUPER decisively! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So he's got any power that can be described by an English adverb ending in "ly"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] PRECISELY! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But not just Precise Lee, he can be Compelling Lee, Obliging Lee - even Furious Lee! But the catch is, the cards stick out, so enemies know what they're dealing with. "Oh cool, we're dealing with Conclusive Lee", they'll say. "We can ask him some questions." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I see [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] FIFTY YEARS LATER [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] See, I thought so too! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So, Dromiceiomimus: Do you know how to draw superheroes? I've got such a great idea for a comic. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] (IN THIS PANEL, DROMICEIOMIMUS SAYS YES) [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sweet! Okay, so the idea is, there's this guy, Lee, right? One day he gains SUPER POWERS. And I'm not sure how he gets them yet but BASICALLY he's got this slot in the top of his head, and he can write words on cards and put them in the slot, so he gains those qualities! So say a decision has to be made: he writes "decisive" on a card and forces it into his head, and he becomes DECISIVE LEE! He then has the power to do things decisively, SUPER decisively! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So he's got any power that can be described by an English adverb ending in "ly"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] PRECISELY! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But not just Precise Lee, he can be Compelling Lee, Obliging Lee - even Furious Lee! But the catch is, the cards stick out, so enemies know what they're dealing with. "Oh cool, we're dealing with Conclusive Lee", they'll say. "We can ask him some questions." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I see [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] FIFTY YEARS LATER [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Have I TRULY won every |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is the day. Yes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is the day I lose my fear of ZOMBIES. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX AND THE LIVING DEAD [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The way I see it, zombies are either avoidable or too effective. The only way to become a zombie is to be bitten by one, but not to get eaten, yes? Then the bite kills you and you come back as a zombie. But zombies WANT to eat you! It's only the sucky ones that bite you and don't finish the job. So if the first zombie was REALLY GOOD, the infection wouldn't spread, because he'd cold eat all his victims! And if he was sucky you could just avoid him, on account of his suckiness. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] PROBLEM: SOLVED. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're coming from a medical perspective, right? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The idea is that there's not too many diseases that can spread easily AND kill you overnight, because they're too effective: the infection wouldn't spread, and the disease dies. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! Zombies are too effective to be contagious. That's why they can't exist in real life! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: FAST-MOVING PULMONARY ANTHRAX ZOMBIES [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I guess I was young and believed no |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is the day. Yes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is the day I lose my fear of ZOMBIES. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX AND THE LIVING DEAD [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The way I see it, zombies are either avoidable or too effective. The only way to become a zombie is to be bitten by one, but not to get eaten, yes? Then the bite kills you and you come back as a zombie. But zombies WANT to eat you! It's only the sucky ones that bite you and don't finish the job. So if the first zombie was REALLY GOOD, the infection wouldn't spread, because he'd cold eat all his victims! And if he was sucky you could just avoid him, on account of his suckiness. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] PROBLEM: SOLVED. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're coming from a medical perspective, right? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The idea is that there's not too many diseases that can spread easily AND kill you overnight, because they're too effective: the infection wouldn't spread, and the disease dies. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! Zombies are too effective to be contagious. That's why they can't exist in real life! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: FAST-MOVING PULMONARY ANTHRAX ZOMBIES [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I take it back I take it back!! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HILARIOUS MISUNDERSTANDINGS COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh oh... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sounds like I'm in for some hilarious misunderstandings! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hi, Dromiceiomimus... sun's sure hot today, eh? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Did you just say that my SON is hot today? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, no! THE sun! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Oh! That makes sense because I don't have a son. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ha ha, what a hilarious misunderstanding. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Jesus! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hi T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hi! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Want to come over for dinner next weekend? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait, did you mean THIS weekend, or the weekend after this? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey! Um, listen: if I |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HILARIOUS MISUNDERSTANDINGS COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh oh... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sounds like I'm in for some hilarious misunderstandings! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hi, Dromiceiomimus... sun's sure hot today, eh? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Did you just say that my SON is hot today? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, no! THE sun! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Oh! That makes sense because I don't have a son. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ha ha, what a hilarious misunderstanding. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Jesus! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hi T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hi! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Want to come over for dinner next weekend? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait, did you mean THIS weekend, or the weekend after this? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Looks like another hilarious misunderstanding! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Critical mass rides are when a hundred or more cyclists get together and go on a bike ride! They take over a lane of traffic and get to set their pace. The motto and politics are "we don't block traffic, we are traffic!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's good times, if you're not in a car! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I find it encouraging when I see a bunch of bikes taking over a road and just going on their way. The noise of traffic is replaced by the softer sound of spokes and gears. It's pretty neat! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But what about important vehicles, like ambulances and so on? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, they still pull over to let those through. They just don't let cars merge in with the bikes because it's DANGEROUS. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But T-Rex, is it not ENTIRELY TRUE that these rides are illegal? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Depends on who you ask, dude! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And where you live, I suppose. I don't know! I know I like to ride bikes, and I believe they're as entitled to the road as cars. The end! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Alright then! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You wanna get sandwiches? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: A CRITICAL MASS FOR CANNIBALS: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wow. Look at all those cannibals on bikes! [SPEAKER] CANNIBALS [LINE] WE DON'T BLOCK TRAFFIC WE ARE TRAFFIC T-REX [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Excuse me, do you guys |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Critical mass rides are when a hundred or more cyclists get together and go on a bike ride! They take over a lane of traffic and get to set their pace. The motto and politics are "we don't block traffic, we are traffic!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's good times, if you're not in a car! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I find it encouraging when I see a bunch of bikes taking over a road and just going on their way. The noise of traffic is replaced by the softer sound of spokes and gears. It's pretty neat! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But what about important vehicles, like ambulances and so on? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, they still pull over to let those through. They just don't let cars merge in with the bikes because it's DANGEROUS. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But T-Rex, is it not ENTIRELY TRUE that these rides are illegal? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Depends on who you ask, dude! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And where you live, I suppose. I don't know! I know I like to ride bikes, and I believe they're as entitled to the road as cars. The end! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Alright then! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You wanna get sandwiches? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: A CRITICAL MASS FOR CANNIBALS: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wow. Look at all those cannibals on bikes! [SPEAKER] CANNIBALS [LINE] WE DON'T BLOCK TRAFFIC WE ARE TRAFFIC T-REX [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That is technically true, cannibals! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I really don't like doing the dishes. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That is why I will ask the Utahraptor to do them for me! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh man, it's going to be so sweet when he says "yes"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'll be able to cook all sorts of fancy foods now that I'm freed of that soul-crushing chore of doing the damned dishes! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey! I heard you were looking for me? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes, I have a question to ask you! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] : How would you like to do my dishes for me? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] No thanks! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You're sure? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Positive. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT EVENING: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Argh! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Once upon a time there was |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I really don't like doing the dishes. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That is why I will ask the Utahraptor to do them for me! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh man, it's going to be so sweet when he says "yes"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'll be able to cook all sorts of fancy foods now that I'm freed of that soul-crushing chore of doing the damned dishes! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey! I heard you were looking for me? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes, I have a question to ask you! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] : How would you like to do my dishes for me? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] No thanks! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You're sure? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Positive. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT EVENING: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Argh! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I really hate doing the dishes! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR ARE GOING TO CLIMB MOUNT EVEREST: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure are! How hard could it be? It's just like climbing stairs, only longer! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And if I stay too long at the top of the stairs, I'll die! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Are you guys serious about this? I know that Everest has become touristy lately, but I didn't know they let just anyone climb it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They sure do. We're going STRAIGHT TO THE TOP, baby! We'll see if the deadly Everest Eliminator exists or not. SOME claim he's a wacky murderer who pushes people off the peak when they're least expecting it! Others say that's stupid. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's not why we're going! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We're going Because It's There. And also Because We Won Free Tickets From The Radio. Also because hired sherpas will do most of the work. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, I'M going because it's there AND to prove that there's no murderer called the Everest Eliminator at the top. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] FINE. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER, BACK AT SEA LEVEL: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The Everest Eliminator is actually a pretty nice guy, huh? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I wonder If I Talk Like This, If |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR ARE GOING TO CLIMB MOUNT EVEREST: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure are! How hard could it be? It's just like climbing stairs, only longer! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And if I stay too long at the top of the stairs, I'll die! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Are you guys serious about this? I know that Everest has become touristy lately, but I didn't know they let just anyone climb it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They sure do. We're going STRAIGHT TO THE TOP, baby! We'll see if the deadly Everest Eliminator exists or not. SOME claim he's a wacky murderer who pushes people off the peak when they're least expecting it! Others say that's stupid. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's not why we're going! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We're going Because It's There. And also Because We Won Free Tickets From The Radio. Also because hired sherpas will do most of the work. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, I'M going because it's there AND to prove that there's no murderer called the Everest Eliminator at the top. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] FINE. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER, BACK AT SEA LEVEL: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The Everest Eliminator is actually a pretty nice guy, huh? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] He only tried to pus me a li'l! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A new lunar year, and guess who's still not married? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THE ANSWER IS ME [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Daaaaaaaaaaaaamn! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] *the end* [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] *POSTSCRIPT* [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex, you sure have been saying "damn" a lot lately! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Daaamn! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] See? Like right there! Dromiceiomimus and I were talking about staging an intervention. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Daaaaaamn! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're not making this easy on us! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Daaaaaaaaaamn! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] We're going to try electro-shock therapy. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anthropomorphism |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A new lunar year, and guess who's still not married? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THE ANSWER IS ME [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Daaaaaaaaaaaaamn! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] *the end* [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] *POSTSCRIPT* [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex, you sure have been saying "damn" a lot lately! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Daaamn! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] See? Like right there! Dromiceiomimus and I were talking about staging an intervention. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Daaaaaamn! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're not making this easy on us! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Daaaaaaaaaamn! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] We're going to try electro-shock therapy. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I guess I've been pretty lucky to get this far without making any big, life-altering mistakes. I think the biggest mistake I ever made was mixing up some juice from concentrate that had a ladybug in it! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MISTAKE COMICS [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Eww! How did that ever happen! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I was experimenting with mixing juice with a blender, and I guess there was a ladybug in the blender? ALL I KNOW is that when the blender turned off and the smoke cleared, my hitherto delicious juice had clearly-identifiable ladybug pieces floating on top. I recall saying "Aw man! My JUICE!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So - did you drink the juice! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No! Of course not! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But that's not what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about how one bad decision can totally change your life, you know? Lost limbs, broken friendships, unexpected pregnancies with someone you don't really like: stuff like that. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I woulda thought you'd drink the juice. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, if this were a bath, and there was a woman here, |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I guess I've been pretty lucky to get this far without making any big, life-altering mistakes. I think the biggest mistake I ever made was mixing up some juice from concentrate that had a ladybug in it! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MISTAKE COMICS [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Eww! How did that ever happen! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I was experimenting with mixing juice with a blender, and I guess there was a ladybug in the blender? ALL I KNOW is that when the blender turned off and the smoke cleared, my hitherto delicious juice had clearly-identifiable ladybug pieces floating on top. I recall saying "Aw man! My JUICE!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So - did you drink the juice! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No! Of course not! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But that's not what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about how one bad decision can totally change your life, you know? Lost limbs, broken friendships, unexpected pregnancies with someone you don't really like: stuff like that. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I woulda thought you'd drink the juice. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FINE. It was the worst juice, everyone. IT had guts in it! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX TODAY IS THE DAY FOR TOTAL EMOTIONAL HONESTY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nopers!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] TODAY is the day of continuing to leave certain emotions unstated AND/OR ignored! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This is because total honesty has the power to DESTROY relationships! FOR EXAMPLE, Dromiceiomimus, if we're in a committed monogamous relationship, I don't want my friend or even a random dude coming up to you and saying how he loves you more than anything and how he could never admit it until now! I want him to suffer in silence. For the greater good! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Is he hot? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're privileging your happiness over his! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No! I'm just looking at TOTAL happiness. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My girlfriend and I are in love, and my friend and I are happy. This equals 15 happiness points, 10 for love and 5 for friendship. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But if he confesses love to her, I'm now UNhappy with my friend, and we're down 5 HP! Forget THAT noise. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think you're just setting up this point system so that it supports you and your lady friend staying together! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] UTAHRAPTOR STAY AWAY FROM MY GIRLFRIEND [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WHEN I GET ONE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We need to do some Olympic-class screw ups and feel |
real | [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX TODAY IS THE DAY FOR TOTAL EMOTIONAL HONESTY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nopers!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] TODAY is the day of continuing to leave certain emotions unstated AND/OR ignored! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This is because total honesty has the power to DESTROY relationships! FOR EXAMPLE, Dromiceiomimus, if we're in a committed monogamous relationship, I don't want my friend or even a random dude coming up to you and saying how he loves you more than anything and how he could never admit it until now! I want him to suffer in silence. For the greater good! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Is he hot? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're privileging your happiness over his! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No! I'm just looking at TOTAL happiness. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My girlfriend and I are in love, and my friend and I are happy. This equals 15 happiness points, 10 for love and 5 for friendship. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But if he confesses love to her, I'm now UNhappy with my friend, and we're down 5 HP! Forget THAT noise. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think you're just setting up this point system so that it supports you and your lady friend staying together! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] UTAHRAPTOR STAY AWAY FROM MY GIRLFRIEND [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WHEN I GET ONE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] HER NAME WILL BE "SAMANTHA"; IT IS A PRETTY NAME |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am strutting today because I am assured of getting what I want! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My horoscope has promised me this! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And it was RIGHT! Here I am crushing a house, just like I intended to! Have I become and unstoppable force of will? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex, how is this different from any other day? You stomp on things routinely! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes, but today I have predestination on my side! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I didn't think you were the type to believe in that sort of thing. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think you will find that I am full of surprises! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's just part of the deal! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am strutting today because I am assured of getting what I want! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My horoscope has promised me this! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And it was RIGHT! Here I am crushing a house, just like I intended to! Have I become and unstoppable force of will? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex, how is this different from any other day? You stomp on things routinely! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes, but today I have predestination on my side! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I didn't think you were the type to believe in that sort of thing. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think you will find that I am full of surprises! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For instance, remember when you couldn't |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay! I am going to write a story and it will be something BRAND NEW. It will be the most staggeringly original story ever. It will feature action and characters that COULD NEVER HAVE BEEN CONCEIVED BY ANYONE BUT ME. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX AND HIS STORY, "TUGGY THE TUGBOAT TUGS...IN SPACE" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Don't people say that there's only 10 or so stories, and all narratives are just variations on these themes? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I call shenanigans on that!! What are these 10 basic stories then? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Um, okay - boy meets girl, girl meets boy, boy meets boy, girl meets girl, boy meets... plant... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THAT ONE IS NOT A REAL STORY. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think what Dromiceiomimus is saying is that there are forms! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ridiculous! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All that means is that if you boil the story down to its most superficial aspect then, YEAH, you can connect it to "Terminator II". But then you might as well treat EVERY story as a sequel, prequel, or rewrite of "Terminator II"! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I might as well! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON: [SPEAKER] OFF-PANEL [LINE] Hamlet is Shakespeare's most disappointing Terminator sequel yet. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I say we kill all of them! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay! I am going to write a story and it will be something BRAND NEW. It will be the most staggeringly original story ever. It will feature action and characters that COULD NEVER HAVE BEEN CONCEIVED BY ANYONE BUT ME. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX AND HIS STORY, "TUGGY THE TUGBOAT TUGS...IN SPACE" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Don't people say that there's only 10 or so stories, and all narratives are just variations on these themes? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I call shenanigans on that!! What are these 10 basic stories then? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Um, okay - boy meets girl, girl meets boy, boy meets boy, girl meets girl, boy meets... plant... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THAT ONE IS NOT A REAL STORY. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think what Dromiceiomimus is saying is that there are forms! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ridiculous! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All that means is that if you boil the story down to its most superficial aspect then, YEAH, you can connect it to "Terminator II". But then you might as well treat EVERY story as a sequel, prequel, or rewrite of "Terminator II"! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I might as well! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON: [SPEAKER] OFF-PANEL [LINE] Hamlet is Shakespeare's most disappointing Terminator sequel yet. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's an okay story, but as a |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, so nobody has bought my Tuggy story. THIS IS THEIR LOSS. Tuggy and I don't mind. Instead I will give them another story, about a superhero! A superhero called... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...Spoiler Alert! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's her name: Spoiler Alert. When she shows up the bad guys yell "Spoiler Alert" to warn each other! Also when people type it online it means they just saw her run by as they were typing; they wanted to share. Tada! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Shouldn't they type "Spoiler Alert Alert"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They shorten because they're alarmed. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It doesn't really seem like your heart is in this story, my friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, it's true! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I want Tuggy T. Tugboat to be my great success! Spoiler Alert just feels so COMMERCIAL, you know? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think you've got a long way to go before people accuse you of being too commercial, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aww. Thanks, Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But Spoiler Alert wears a flapper swimsuit when she ruins endings. She can't help but make me money! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Those old-timey swimsuits that had like, hats and boots and stuff? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's so obvious! I'm going to learn how |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, so nobody has bought my Tuggy story. THIS IS THEIR LOSS. Tuggy and I don't mind. Instead I will give them another story, about a superhero! A superhero called... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...Spoiler Alert! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's her name: Spoiler Alert. When she shows up the bad guys yell "Spoiler Alert" to warn each other! Also when people type it online it means they just saw her run by as they were typing; they wanted to share. Tada! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Shouldn't they type "Spoiler Alert Alert"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They shorten because they're alarmed. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It doesn't really seem like your heart is in this story, my friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, it's true! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I want Tuggy T. Tugboat to be my great success! Spoiler Alert just feels so COMMERCIAL, you know? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think you've got a long way to go before people accuse you of being too commercial, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aww. Thanks, Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But Spoiler Alert wears a flapper swimsuit when she ruins endings. She can't help but make me money! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Those old-timey swimsuits that had like, hats and boots and stuff? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They're what every man desires but cannot express! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is Pi Day! That means you get to eat pie at 1:59 PM, or 1:59 AM if you're up. I don't know. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I feel a profound disconnect with this holiday! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I get that it's celebrating the UNIVERSAL CONSTANT PI, and that it's celebrated today because 3.14159 can be translated into Mach 14th, 1:59. But what makes pi so special? Why don't we celebrate Euler's Number day on... February 71st? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Some people celebrate "Pi Approximation Day" on July 22nd, which is 22/7. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah! Now THAT is a holiday I can get behind! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What? You're all down on Pi Day but you can get behind an approximation of it? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure can, dude! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's a holiday for people who are GOOD ENOUGH, just not transcendental! They do their best! They get by alright in most situations - just don't try to build a bridge with them, you know? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It celebrates failure? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not failure, Utahraptor! Approximations of success! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] On July 22 instead of eating pie, I'm just going to sort of rub pie around my face and call it a day! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Good luck with that. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You wake up and it was all a |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is Pi Day! That means you get to eat pie at 1:59 PM, or 1:59 AM if you're up. I don't know. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I feel a profound disconnect with this holiday! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I get that it's celebrating the UNIVERSAL CONSTANT PI, and that it's celebrated today because 3.14159 can be translated into Mach 14th, 1:59. But what makes pi so special? Why don't we celebrate Euler's Number day on... February 71st? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Some people celebrate "Pi Approximation Day" on July 22nd, which is 22/7. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah! Now THAT is a holiday I can get behind! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What? You're all down on Pi Day but you can get behind an approximation of it? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure can, dude! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's a holiday for people who are GOOD ENOUGH, just not transcendental! They do their best! They get by alright in most situations - just don't try to build a bridge with them, you know? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It celebrates failure? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not failure, Utahraptor! Approximations of success! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] On July 22 instead of eating pie, I'm just going to sort of rub pie around my face and call it a day! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Good luck with that. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Failure is just success rounded down, my friend! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Mom you're not allowed to read this okay? If you know how to stop mom from reading my profile please contact me ASAP!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Member Name: T-Rex [SPEAKER] MEMBER DESCRIPTION [LINE] i meant to write t-sex there but it won't let me change it [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Hello ladies! My name is T-Rex. I am a rad dude with a rad 'tude! I hope you were wanting to hear about my 'tude today because you just did!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Here is a picture of me with my friend Dromiceiomimus. We dated and are still really close! I hope you are cool with that. SHE IS A VERY IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY LIFE. I HOPE YOU ARE STILL COOL WITH THAT. I WILL CALL HER SOMETIMES. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Here are pics of me and my friends. Wait the thing said I have to fill these out! In my bedroom you will find: UNPARALLELED PLEASURE?? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] More about what I'm looking for: i want to die in a bog. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] no, it's NOT okay to contact this member about extra-marital affairs [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE NEXT MORNING: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? Zero replies?? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...using the power of my |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Mom you're not allowed to read this okay? If you know how to stop mom from reading my profile please contact me ASAP!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Member Name: T-Rex [SPEAKER] MEMBER DESCRIPTION [LINE] i meant to write t-sex there but it won't let me change it [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Hello ladies! My name is T-Rex. I am a rad dude with a rad 'tude! I hope you were wanting to hear about my 'tude today because you just did!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Here is a picture of me with my friend Dromiceiomimus. We dated and are still really close! I hope you are cool with that. SHE IS A VERY IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY LIFE. I HOPE YOU ARE STILL COOL WITH THAT. I WILL CALL HER SOMETIMES. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Here are pics of me and my friends. Wait the thing said I have to fill these out! In my bedroom you will find: UNPARALLELED PLEASURE?? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] More about what I'm looking for: i want to die in a bog. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] no, it's NOT okay to contact this member about extra-marital affairs [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE NEXT MORNING: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? Zero replies?? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But my clock is ticking |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LESSONS IN HUMILITY [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A COMIC [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It occurs to me... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am indeed god at stomping on things! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In fact, I would venture that I am the best at such endeavours! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I disagree! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There are probably others, whom you may never meet, but who have even greater skill than you! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You - you're right! I can never be assured of my own superiority, even in this modest arena! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ho ho! Good to see you too, D.! |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LESSONS IN HUMILITY [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A COMIC [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It occurs to me... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am indeed god at stomping on things! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In fact, I would venture that I am the best at such endeavours! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I disagree! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There are probably others, whom you may never meet, but who have even greater skill than you! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You - you're right! I can never be assured of my own superiority, even in this modest arena! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For me, this has been a lesson in |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have a brilliant idea for revenging myself against TV's Kelsey Grammer. Oh yes. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE REVENGE OF T-REX [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All I have to do is put out a major motion picture and include in it a brilliant role for Kelsey. It will be a dazzling, moving role, but will also play to his type as a smart yet sassy older man. It'll be a role that screams "Kelsey Grammer": a touchstone that defines a generation - and a career. I'll even name the character "Kelsey G"! THEN, I'm gonna just go ahead and give it to somebody else. SORRY, KELSEY! TOO BAD FOR YOU THERE, HUH? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What'd Kelsey ever do to you, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nothing! He seems like a nice guy! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ah, so this is a "just in case" revenge plan. For Kelsey Grammer. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Listen, it's good to be prepared. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BACKSTORY: T-REX HAS TRIED TO START FEUDS WITH KELSEY GRAMMER BEFORE, BUT KEEPS LOSING HIS NERVE. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello, Kelsey Grammer? [SPEAKER] KELSEY GRAMMER (OUTSIDE THE PANEL) [LINE] Yes? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Kelsey! We're on speakphone! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's it exactly! Love with an asterisk. |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have a brilliant idea for revenging myself against TV's Kelsey Grammer. Oh yes. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE REVENGE OF T-REX [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All I have to do is put out a major motion picture and include in it a brilliant role for Kelsey. It will be a dazzling, moving role, but will also play to his type as a smart yet sassy older man. It'll be a role that screams "Kelsey Grammer": a touchstone that defines a generation - and a career. I'll even name the character "Kelsey G"! THEN, I'm gonna just go ahead and give it to somebody else. SORRY, KELSEY! TOO BAD FOR YOU THERE, HUH? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What'd Kelsey ever do to you, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nothing! He seems like a nice guy! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ah, so this is a "just in case" revenge plan. For Kelsey Grammer. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Listen, it's good to be prepared. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BACKSTORY: T-REX HAS TRIED TO START FEUDS WITH KELSEY GRAMMER BEFORE, BUT KEEPS LOSING HIS NERVE. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello, Kelsey Grammer? [SPEAKER] KELSEY GRAMMER (OUTSIDE THE PANEL) [LINE] Yes? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Kelsey! We're on speakphone! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...I think your voice is a wonderful |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There sure are a lot of songs about dancing! I have probably heard at LEAST three hundred songs about dancing. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ACTUALLY YOU'VE HEARD 1365 SONGS ABOUT DANCING [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aww, you counted! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So why is music so reflexive? There aren't tons of paintings about PAINTING, for example. Or plays and/or movies about sitting and watching a play and/or movie, for that matter! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Actually T-Rex, that's not really true, and plus that's not really a fair comparison. Dancing is something you do in response to music! There are lots of paintings, films and plays that really ARE about your response to them. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well! SO MUCH FOR THAT FUNNY RANT. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Looks like! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait, this can still be salvaged! Utahraptor, you know what I dislike? PEOPLE AT THE GROCERY STORE WHO TAKE A LONG TIME AT THE CASH, FOR VARIOUS REASONS!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They, um - they sure could be faster, is what I'm sayin'. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, I do that sometimes too. You know? Like with painting. I don't think I even |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There sure are a lot of songs about dancing! I have probably heard at LEAST three hundred songs about dancing. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ACTUALLY YOU'VE HEARD 1365 SONGS ABOUT DANCING [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aww, you counted! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So why is music so reflexive? There aren't tons of paintings about PAINTING, for example. Or plays and/or movies about sitting and watching a play and/or movie, for that matter! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Actually T-Rex, that's not really true, and plus that's not really a fair comparison. Dancing is something you do in response to music! There are lots of paintings, films and plays that really ARE about your response to them. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well! SO MUCH FOR THAT FUNNY RANT. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Looks like! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait, this can still be salvaged! Utahraptor, you know what I dislike? PEOPLE AT THE GROCERY STORE WHO TAKE A LONG TIME AT THE CASH, FOR VARIOUS REASONS!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They, um - they sure could be faster, is what I'm sayin'. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dear mental diary: everyone here sucks. Maybe I should take my act to the grocery store! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a good day I think for public displays of affection! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Everyone else seems to think so, at least! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey Dromiceiomimus, care to witness a public display of affection? I seem to see them all the time whenever I go out walking! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] No thanks! Besides, there's nobody else here... how would you show me one? Were you just going to make out with yourself? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wouldn't be the first time! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Eww! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex, is what I hear true? Are you going around making out with yourself?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That was a joke! Besides, how would I even do that? I'd just sit there, kissing my own arm? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ha, I don't know. It just sounded like something you'd be up to. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sorry to disappoint! Anyway, I'm going to go finish my walk. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SHORTLY... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Eww! Gross! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's just - it's such |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a good day I think for public displays of affection! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Everyone else seems to think so, at least! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey Dromiceiomimus, care to witness a public display of affection? I seem to see them all the time whenever I go out walking! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] No thanks! Besides, there's nobody else here... how would you show me one? Were you just going to make out with yourself? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wouldn't be the first time! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Eww! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex, is what I hear true? Are you going around making out with yourself?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That was a joke! Besides, how would I even do that? I'd just sit there, kissing my own arm? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ha, I don't know. It just sounded like something you'd be up to. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sorry to disappoint! Anyway, I'm going to go finish my walk. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SHORTLY... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Eww! Gross! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] QUIT MAKING OUT, YOU TWO! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay okay - so there's been a lot of people born, right? In the history of time there are a lot of people who have been born. So the question is, are there enough people in the world that I could write out a story... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... and reasonably expect it to have already been LIVED OUT in real life? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Let's assume narratives can be reduced to yes/no decisions, and on average real people make a yes/no decision every 15 seconds. Two people are needed to cover each option for every decision! So after - um, 33 decisions, we've got more people needed than are alive now, and we're only eight minutes into our story. It is a stories-in-real-life disaster! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] BUT, if I wrote a story about the first eight minutes of a baby's life, ODDS ARE someone has lived it! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Not really! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're assuming that for each decision, every person takes a separate route, but the vast majority of babies are doing the same thing: crying and then being confused. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I guess the odds of my writing a story and having it be what ACTUALLY HAPPENED to some dude are pretty low, huh. [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] SEE THIS IS WHAT I TOLD YOU T-REX JUST BECAUSE YOU WROTE IT DOESN'T MEAN THERE'S SOMEONE WHO IS SUPERMAN AND "JUST DOESN'T KNOW IT YET" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You'll be able to eat all you |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay okay - so there's been a lot of people born, right? In the history of time there are a lot of people who have been born. So the question is, are there enough people in the world that I could write out a story... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... and reasonably expect it to have already been LIVED OUT in real life? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Let's assume narratives can be reduced to yes/no decisions, and on average real people make a yes/no decision every 15 seconds. Two people are needed to cover each option for every decision! So after - um, 33 decisions, we've got more people needed than are alive now, and we're only eight minutes into our story. It is a stories-in-real-life disaster! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] BUT, if I wrote a story about the first eight minutes of a baby's life, ODDS ARE someone has lived it! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Not really! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're assuming that for each decision, every person takes a separate route, but the vast majority of babies are doing the same thing: crying and then being confused. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I guess the odds of my writing a story and having it be what ACTUALLY HAPPENED to some dude are pretty low, huh. [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] SEE THIS IS WHAT I TOLD YOU T-REX JUST BECAUSE YOU WROTE IT DOESN'T MEAN THERE'S SOMEONE WHO IS SUPERMAN AND "JUST DOESN'T KNOW IT YET" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] i thought maybe it could be me |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Foreshadowing is when you hint at what's about to happen next in a story! It happens whenever a character announces "BOY I SURE HOPE THERE ARE NO EXPLOSIONS ON THE NEXT PAGE!!" just before he gets blown up! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In an EXPLOSION! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LITERARY TECHNIQUES COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] today's technique: FORESHADOWING [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Foreshadowing's great, because sometimes people want to know what happens in a story before it actually happens. In situations like this, an author might write "Jenn realized that she was about to blast into space. Or WAS she?? You'd better keep reading, huh?" There, foreshadowing both hinted at the future of the story, AND encouraged the reader to keep reading. This is an extremely canonical use of foreshadowing. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So doubt's important to foreshadowing? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Absolutely! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If you simply say "Jenn realized that she was about to blast into space! Seconds later, she blasted into space!" that is not foreshadowing. That is just outstanding space storytelling. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think it's still foreshadowing. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah? Well maybe we'll see what SHAKESPEARE has to say...! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Shakespeare, is it still foreshadowing if it's about a woman who's DEFINITELY blasting into space? [SPEAKER] SHAKESPEARE [LINE] i dunno... yes? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Shakespeare! The correct answer is "no!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...someone to melt his |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Foreshadowing is when you hint at what's about to happen next in a story! It happens whenever a character announces "BOY I SURE HOPE THERE ARE NO EXPLOSIONS ON THE NEXT PAGE!!" just before he gets blown up! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In an EXPLOSION! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LITERARY TECHNIQUES COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] today's technique: FORESHADOWING [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Foreshadowing's great, because sometimes people want to know what happens in a story before it actually happens. In situations like this, an author might write "Jenn realized that she was about to blast into space. Or WAS she?? You'd better keep reading, huh?" There, foreshadowing both hinted at the future of the story, AND encouraged the reader to keep reading. This is an extremely canonical use of foreshadowing. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So doubt's important to foreshadowing? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Absolutely! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If you simply say "Jenn realized that she was about to blast into space! Seconds later, she blasted into space!" that is not foreshadowing. That is just outstanding space storytelling. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think it's still foreshadowing. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah? Well maybe we'll see what SHAKESPEARE has to say...! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Shakespeare, is it still foreshadowing if it's about a woman who's DEFINITELY blasting into space? [SPEAKER] SHAKESPEARE [LINE] i dunno... yes? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Shakespeare! The correct answer is "no!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pull yourself together, Shakespeare! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, what a jerky guy! I met the jerkiest guy working at the computer store. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX AND THE REALLY JERKY GUY [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What made him so jerky, T-Rex? His haircut? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Worse than that. He was just so smug about everything! I wanted to buy some RAM, so that my computer could think harder about things? But he had this air of - distain, I guess, that went far beyond "aloof store clerk" to "terrible person who made me feel bad about myself for just being alive." I bought the RAM but now I can barely even enjoy it. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, you're done with him now! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! And I won't shop there again. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But this is the power of his jerkiness: it transcends our brief meeting so that now I'm telling all my friends about it! Argh! Anyway, I'll get over it. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Seriously though! He was such a jerk! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT EVENING, T-REX SEES THE REALLY JERKY GUY AT A RESTAURANT: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh my gosh, it's that jerky guy, eating alone. . . and he's picking his nose! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah hah hah! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We're doomed! Damn this dystopian future! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, what a jerky guy! I met the jerkiest guy working at the computer store. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX AND THE REALLY JERKY GUY [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What made him so jerky, T-Rex? His haircut? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Worse than that. He was just so smug about everything! I wanted to buy some RAM, so that my computer could think harder about things? But he had this air of - distain, I guess, that went far beyond "aloof store clerk" to "terrible person who made me feel bad about myself for just being alive." I bought the RAM but now I can barely even enjoy it. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, you're done with him now! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! And I won't shop there again. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But this is the power of his jerkiness: it transcends our brief meeting so that now I'm telling all my friends about it! Argh! Anyway, I'll get over it. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Seriously though! He was such a jerk! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT EVENING, T-REX SEES THE REALLY JERKY GUY AT A RESTAURANT: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh my gosh, it's that jerky guy, eating alone. . . and he's picking his nose! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah hah hah! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've NEVER felt better about myself! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Superman has given Batman a small supply of kryptonite, so if Superman ever goes CRAZY and starts killing people, Batman can take him down. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This, my friends, is the true meaning of friendship! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Superman trusts Batman with his LIFE. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Can you imagine, Dromiceiomimus? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It would be like me giving you a gun with bullets that ONLY SHOOT ME, except you're grimmer, and people make gay jokes about you even though come on, Robin is just a ward, and your parents were murdered by a dude named "Joe Chill" of all things, and also you live in a cave. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Also, YOU can shoot lasers with your eyes. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also that, yes. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So the true meaning of friendship is trusting your BFF to kill you? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Absolutely! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's awesome! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Can you imagine having that kind of relationship with someone? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That kind of trust, but also the dark underscoring of the fact that you know they'll do what's necessary if they have to? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I guess! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Do - do you want ME to maybe shoot you if you start slappin' folks around? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT NIGHT, T-REX VISITS A RADIO STATION AND INSISTS ON TALKING ABOUT BATMAN: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] DANA was totally flirting with me! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Superman has given Batman a small supply of kryptonite, so if Superman ever goes CRAZY and starts killing people, Batman can take him down. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This, my friends, is the true meaning of friendship! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Superman trusts Batman with his LIFE. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Can you imagine, Dromiceiomimus? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It would be like me giving you a gun with bullets that ONLY SHOOT ME, except you're grimmer, and people make gay jokes about you even though come on, Robin is just a ward, and your parents were murdered by a dude named "Joe Chill" of all things, and also you live in a cave. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Also, YOU can shoot lasers with your eyes. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also that, yes. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So the true meaning of friendship is trusting your BFF to kill you? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Absolutely! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's awesome! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Can you imagine having that kind of relationship with someone? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That kind of trust, but also the dark underscoring of the fact that you know they'll do what's necessary if they have to? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I guess! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Do - do you want ME to maybe shoot you if you start slappin' folks around? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT NIGHT, T-REX VISITS A RADIO STATION AND INSISTS ON TALKING ABOUT BATMAN: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The thing is, Nora, if knowledge |