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nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX IN "THE RULES" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today I'm going to play by my own rules! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And luckily for me, these rules clearly stipulate that I can stomp on whatever I want! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Playing by my own rules is fun! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why, I think I'll play by my own rules from now on! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Stop it! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex, you can't "play by your own rules" every day! That's nothing more than a catchy way to describe nihilism! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nihilism? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yes! Remember? "...values are baseless and nothing can be known or communicated"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh yeah! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today's letter from Professor Science comes from Alexis, who writes: |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX IN "THE RULES" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today I'm going to play by my own rules! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And luckily for me, these rules clearly stipulate that I can stomp on whatever I want! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Playing by my own rules is fun! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why, I think I'll play by my own rules from now on! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Stop it! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex, you can't "play by your own rules" every day! That's nothing more than a catchy way to describe nihilism! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nihilism? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yes! Remember? "...values are baseless and nothing can be known or communicated"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh yeah! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I was all, "my apocalyptic tenor has not been |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe I have been too hard on prenups. In a sense, they're sort of a Love Validater, right? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENTS: WELL, MAYBE THIS IS THE DEAL [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because if you have a prenup that says, "Wow, NOBODY'S getting rich off this marriage", then it's clear that nobody's getting married for the money. The only reason left is love! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Or loneliness. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Or love! The prenup is a way of announcing AND VERIFYING that you love them for Who They Are, not for what they've got in their pants! In their wallet in their pants. It was a great metaphor, Dromiceiomimus. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You know, Judaism has long had the "ketubah", which is basically a prenup! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Really! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yep! It specifies divorce penalties but ALSO marital vows, and is hung up in the house. Prenups can mean a lot of different things to people! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Huh! Maybe the best way to learn about prenups is to get one. Oh my gosh, Utahraptor!! Let's get a "friendship prenup"! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hah! What? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER, T-REX HAS COMPLETED HIS PRENUP! WHAT'S IT SAY, T-REX? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It says "Utahraptor! Don't steal my comics, UTAHRAPTOR." Then there's a drawing of him stealing my comics, with an x through it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] She remembers! I'll never live this |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe I have been too hard on prenups. In a sense, they're sort of a Love Validater, right? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENTS: WELL, MAYBE THIS IS THE DEAL [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because if you have a prenup that says, "Wow, NOBODY'S getting rich off this marriage", then it's clear that nobody's getting married for the money. The only reason left is love! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Or loneliness. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Or love! The prenup is a way of announcing AND VERIFYING that you love them for Who They Are, not for what they've got in their pants! In their wallet in their pants. It was a great metaphor, Dromiceiomimus. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You know, Judaism has long had the "ketubah", which is basically a prenup! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Really! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yep! It specifies divorce penalties but ALSO marital vows, and is hung up in the house. Prenups can mean a lot of different things to people! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Huh! Maybe the best way to learn about prenups is to get one. Oh my gosh, Utahraptor!! Let's get a "friendship prenup"! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hah! What? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER, T-REX HAS COMPLETED HIS PRENUP! WHAT'S IT SAY, T-REX? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It says "Utahraptor! Don't steal my comics, UTAHRAPTOR." Then there's a drawing of him stealing my comics, with an x through it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A LAWYER drew it for me. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Life is too friggin' fragile! And when I say "life", I mean life in general, but really, I mean my life in particular. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Too. Friggin'. Fragile! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm a big guy, so I eat a lot - WHICH IS FINE, except that it increases the chance that I starve to death! And if I'm smaller I eat less, but I also face jerks trying to eat me! And if I'm a single cell, nobody's going out of their way to eat me, but I can die if the host I'm in dies or the stream drives up or whatever. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Plus you give up any powers of reasoning. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, that too!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In summary, life is too fragile and I describe that as "sucks ahoy"! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Maybe you should give up your ego here, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] While individuals may be fragile, species can survive a very long time! Why not see individual lives as single cells in the species: A multi-cellular multi-generational organism? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um, because that's a metaphor that doesn't stop me from being food poisoned to death?? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER, IN COURT! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Your honour, if I steal, I get a few years in jail. If I murder, I get a LIFETIME in jail. But if I forget to eat for a few days or breathe for a few minutes, I DIE FOREVER? [SPEAKER] JUDGE [LINE] I'm sorry? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So folks say that Shakespeare was a pretty good writer, |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Life is too friggin' fragile! And when I say "life", I mean life in general, but really, I mean my life in particular. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Too. Friggin'. Fragile! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm a big guy, so I eat a lot - WHICH IS FINE, except that it increases the chance that I starve to death! And if I'm smaller I eat less, but I also face jerks trying to eat me! And if I'm a single cell, nobody's going out of their way to eat me, but I can die if the host I'm in dies or the stream drives up or whatever. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Plus you give up any powers of reasoning. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, that too!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In summary, life is too fragile and I describe that as "sucks ahoy"! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Maybe you should give up your ego here, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] While individuals may be fragile, species can survive a very long time! Why not see individual lives as single cells in the species: A multi-cellular multi-generational organism? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um, because that's a metaphor that doesn't stop me from being food poisoned to death?? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER, IN COURT! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Your honour, if I steal, I get a few years in jail. If I murder, I get a LIFETIME in jail. But if I forget to eat for a few days or breathe for a few minutes, I DIE FOREVER? [SPEAKER] JUDGE [LINE] I'm sorry? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The punishment does not seem to fit the crime here! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what I'm tired of feeling? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] EMOTIONS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pain! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] (Emotions too.) [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But seriously, guys! Why do we need pain? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It hurts! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And you can't turn it off. It's like a phone that won't stop ringing whenever I'm hurt, and when I answer it, it's always friggin' Pain calling and he won't get off the line. I say "Yeah, I get it Pain, I stubbed my toe." and he says "Yeah, it still hurts like a bitch. Can I say bitch? It really hurts, T-Rex", and I say "Look, Pain. I know." and he stays on the line and I say "Pain, you've gotta find other people to call. You've got to get other hobbies." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'd prefer looking down and seeing that my toe is stubbed to, um, EXCRUCIATING PAIN. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So you want leprosy. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Uh NO, I didn't say I want my LIMBS to fall off. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Leprosy doesn't make your limbs fall off!! You lose SENSATION in your body, so you can do things like accidentally crush your fingers and not notice. Hey, how's the centuries-old prejudice over there? Pretty uninformed? Pretty BIASED? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! You were totally a jerk to me just now! And if you're hoping I'm going to shout after you that "Now I wish my HEART couldn't feel pain", I'm not! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Tomorrow, I start in my |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what I'm tired of feeling? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] EMOTIONS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pain! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] (Emotions too.) [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But seriously, guys! Why do we need pain? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It hurts! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And you can't turn it off. It's like a phone that won't stop ringing whenever I'm hurt, and when I answer it, it's always friggin' Pain calling and he won't get off the line. I say "Yeah, I get it Pain, I stubbed my toe." and he says "Yeah, it still hurts like a bitch. Can I say bitch? It really hurts, T-Rex", and I say "Look, Pain. I know." and he stays on the line and I say "Pain, you've gotta find other people to call. You've got to get other hobbies." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'd prefer looking down and seeing that my toe is stubbed to, um, EXCRUCIATING PAIN. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So you want leprosy. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Uh NO, I didn't say I want my LIMBS to fall off. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Leprosy doesn't make your limbs fall off!! You lose SENSATION in your body, so you can do things like accidentally crush your fingers and not notice. Hey, how's the centuries-old prejudice over there? Pretty uninformed? Pretty BIASED? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! You were totally a jerk to me just now! And if you're hoping I'm going to shout after you that "Now I wish my HEART couldn't feel pain", I'm not! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm just thinking it, okay?? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX (THINKING) [LINE] Hey, it's Utahraptor! Wait - IS that Utahraptor...? Oh my God! It's... IT'S.... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, you won't believe who I just met! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Who? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FUTURE UTAHRAPTOR! I'm serious, I saw him! He looked like Utahraptor, but he was aged thirty years, and it was the Most Amazing Thing. It couldn't have been anyone else! It was CLEARLY thirty years older Utahraptor. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So what happened then? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, I was staring! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And you noticed it, obviously, but then you turned to me, made eye contact, and nodded with an almost undetectable Mona Lisa smile, just once. It was this amazing nod that said, "Don't worry, T-Rex. Things will be alright. Everything's gonna work out fine." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hah! Future me's awesome. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, FORTY YEARS IN THE FUTURE! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dear audio diary! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ah, to be a child |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX (THINKING) [LINE] Hey, it's Utahraptor! Wait - IS that Utahraptor...? Oh my God! It's... IT'S.... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, you won't believe who I just met! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Who? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FUTURE UTAHRAPTOR! I'm serious, I saw him! He looked like Utahraptor, but he was aged thirty years, and it was the Most Amazing Thing. It couldn't have been anyone else! It was CLEARLY thirty years older Utahraptor. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So what happened then? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, I was staring! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And you noticed it, obviously, but then you turned to me, made eye contact, and nodded with an almost undetectable Mona Lisa smile, just once. It was this amazing nod that said, "Don't worry, T-Rex. Things will be alright. Everything's gonna work out fine." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hah! Future me's awesome. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, FORTY YEARS IN THE FUTURE! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dear audio diary! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] i miss my friend utahraptor |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor was so wrong about performative utterances yesterday! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] HOW WRONG WAS HE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So! He was so wrong. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I only realized it after he left! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A leader declares war on television, then that's war, regardless of whether he's signed the paperwork yet. He's changed the world just by talking! With sentencing it's the same: the judge tells you your sentence and that's it, and the paperwork is just that - paperwork! RECORDKEEPING. And the same for marriages! The license is just to let the GOVERNMENT know what's already happened. I was right! I was totally right!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex, remember yesterday? You were totally right! Fully and completely. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw no! Seriously? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You're seriously going to rob me of my Comeuppance Satisfaction by admitting you were wrong before I get to point it out to you? You're going to be That Guy? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Which guy? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The guy who does what you're doing! Argh! You ARE being that Guy! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Look, sorry for admitting I was wrong, I guess? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's another performative!! You're tacitly endorsing their existence! I'M SECONDS AWAY FROM MY HEAD FADING INTO A CARTOON STEAM WHISTLE AND GOING "TOOT TOOT." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Then they rub their faces on the carpet. |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor was so wrong about performative utterances yesterday! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] HOW WRONG WAS HE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So! He was so wrong. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I only realized it after he left! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A leader declares war on television, then that's war, regardless of whether he's signed the paperwork yet. He's changed the world just by talking! With sentencing it's the same: the judge tells you your sentence and that's it, and the paperwork is just that - paperwork! RECORDKEEPING. And the same for marriages! The license is just to let the GOVERNMENT know what's already happened. I was right! I was totally right!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex, remember yesterday? You were totally right! Fully and completely. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw no! Seriously? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You're seriously going to rob me of my Comeuppance Satisfaction by admitting you were wrong before I get to point it out to you? You're going to be That Guy? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Which guy? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The guy who does what you're doing! Argh! You ARE being that Guy! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Look, sorry for admitting I was wrong, I guess? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's another performative!! You're tacitly endorsing their existence! I'M SECONDS AWAY FROM MY HEAD FADING INTO A CARTOON STEAM WHISTLE AND GOING "TOOT TOOT." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'M ANGRY BUT I THINK IT'S GONNA BE |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have a new life goal: to become a hairdresser! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Scratch that: to become the BEST HAIRDRESSER EVER! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But T-Rex, um, you and I don't really have -- [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Before you go any further, let me clarify that I'll be a hairdresser for MAMMALS. These guys have ALL SORTS of hair coming out of ALL SORTS of places. I'll trim it and they'll say "Wow, this hair cut has made me a WAY better looking mammal! Thanks for trimming the hair off my head, sweat glands and mammaries!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I don't understand why you keep lusting after these doomed careers, my friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Explain! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You have no hair and want to be a hairdresser. You have stubby arms and want to be a boxer. Why not get a job that plays to your strengths? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! I have nothing BUT strengths! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, fine, enjoy your hair-dressing. You just stepped on one of your customers. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dear Diary! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I assure you it will be... SUPER |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have a new life goal: to become a hairdresser! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Scratch that: to become the BEST HAIRDRESSER EVER! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But T-Rex, um, you and I don't really have -- [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Before you go any further, let me clarify that I'll be a hairdresser for MAMMALS. These guys have ALL SORTS of hair coming out of ALL SORTS of places. I'll trim it and they'll say "Wow, this hair cut has made me a WAY better looking mammal! Thanks for trimming the hair off my head, sweat glands and mammaries!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I don't understand why you keep lusting after these doomed careers, my friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Explain! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You have no hair and want to be a hairdresser. You have stubby arms and want to be a boxer. Why not get a job that plays to your strengths? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! I have nothing BUT strengths! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, fine, enjoy your hair-dressing. You just stepped on one of your customers. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dear Diary! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My new job is getting... a little hairy. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The Temple of Artemis was one of the Seven Wonders of the World. It was this really big temple, you guys! But it was burned down. Arson! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Arsonist's name was Herostratus! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And the ancient Greeks would be TOTALLY PISSED that I just said that! They were so angry at Herostratus - who freely admitted that he burned down A WONDER OF THE WORLD just because he wanted his name to be remembered - that they not only executed him, but they erased him from history, forbidding anyone from mentioning his name! Under penalty of death! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pretty friggin' intense!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But it didn't work! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It turns out you can't make a law saying "dudes nobody say this guy's name anymore okay" without saying his name SOMEWHERE? But, I mean, I understand why they were upset. Kind of a dick move, Herostratus. I want to go down in history, but not for being the world's Suckiest Greek. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I hear that! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER, T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR GO DOWN IN HISTORY FOR BEING THE WORLD'S SUCKIEST GREEKS: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Damn it, T-Rex! All the irony surrounding YOUR friggin' life is now rubbing off on me! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The idea that horses are nature's |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The Temple of Artemis was one of the Seven Wonders of the World. It was this really big temple, you guys! But it was burned down. Arson! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Arsonist's name was Herostratus! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And the ancient Greeks would be TOTALLY PISSED that I just said that! They were so angry at Herostratus - who freely admitted that he burned down A WONDER OF THE WORLD just because he wanted his name to be remembered - that they not only executed him, but they erased him from history, forbidding anyone from mentioning his name! Under penalty of death! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pretty friggin' intense!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But it didn't work! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It turns out you can't make a law saying "dudes nobody say this guy's name anymore okay" without saying his name SOMEWHERE? But, I mean, I understand why they were upset. Kind of a dick move, Herostratus. I want to go down in history, but not for being the world's Suckiest Greek. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I hear that! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER, T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR GO DOWN IN HISTORY FOR BEING THE WORLD'S SUCKIEST GREEKS: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Damn it, T-Rex! All the irony surrounding YOUR friggin' life is now rubbing off on me! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Computers have gotten way better in recent years. A new computer can beat a moldy old one from twenty years ago! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FACT. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wouldn't it be great if rhetoric had evolved in the same way? I could have this hyper-evolved speaking that could convince anyone to do whatever I say, as long as they didn't have similar rhetorical powers to match! Anyone not inured to my amazing powers of speechifying would be putty in my hands. "Oh, T-Rex, I'm not sure I should do this" they'd say, and then I'd say "Oh maybe you should though" and they'd be all, "Awesome." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It would be a disaster for society! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Rude, my friend! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I meant if there was such an advance. Early language learners would acquire languages the best, so it would be a generation of toddlers convincing their parents that letting them poop their pants is sweet. If you don't see what's bad for society in that, well - enjoy pooping your pants! [SPEAKER] T-REX (THINKING) [LINE] The word 'poop' is cool: it's transitive, but only for 'pants'. You can pee your pants too though. Maybe it's the noun 'pants'? Further research certainly seems warranted. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus? Have YOU ever done any consciousness-altering drugs? |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Computers have gotten way better in recent years. A new computer can beat a moldy old one from twenty years ago! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FACT. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wouldn't it be great if rhetoric had evolved in the same way? I could have this hyper-evolved speaking that could convince anyone to do whatever I say, as long as they didn't have similar rhetorical powers to match! Anyone not inured to my amazing powers of speechifying would be putty in my hands. "Oh, T-Rex, I'm not sure I should do this" they'd say, and then I'd say "Oh maybe you should though" and they'd be all, "Awesome." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It would be a disaster for society! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Rude, my friend! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I meant if there was such an advance. Early language learners would acquire languages the best, so it would be a generation of toddlers convincing their parents that letting them poop their pants is sweet. If you don't see what's bad for society in that, well - enjoy pooping your pants! [SPEAKER] T-REX (THINKING) [LINE] The word 'poop' is cool: it's transitive, but only for 'pants'. You can pee your pants too though. Maybe it's the noun 'pants'? Further research certainly seems warranted. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe I will, Utahraptor! MAYBE I'LL ENJOY POOPING |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've noticed that some songs are quite good at evoking memories and moods. If I listen to a song I haven't listened to since high school, suddenly I am back in high school again! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] METAPHORICALLY. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So hey, time for an experiment where I am the subject! From now on I'm going to listen to a new song repeatedly over each 3-month period. It'll become indelibly associated with who I am then, and this way when I want to remember what I felt like from July to September inclusive fifteen years ago, I can just listen to the same song again. It'll all come flooding back! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's - well, that's not a bad idea! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know, right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If it works, I can go further, also consigning smells and foods to certain periods in my life! I'll be an old man, looking up "first marriage" in my database, and then reaching for a record player and my first bite of Wensleydale in years. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm getting in on this action too! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BUT THEN, DISASTER! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw frig! Someone has mashed up Jay-Z's "Dirt Off Your Shoulder" and the 1-1 theme from Mario 3! Suddenly my current crush and the death of my first dog have become irrevocably mixed!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] TOO EASY, man! Seriously, you should join us in |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've noticed that some songs are quite good at evoking memories and moods. If I listen to a song I haven't listened to since high school, suddenly I am back in high school again! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] METAPHORICALLY. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So hey, time for an experiment where I am the subject! From now on I'm going to listen to a new song repeatedly over each 3-month period. It'll become indelibly associated with who I am then, and this way when I want to remember what I felt like from July to September inclusive fifteen years ago, I can just listen to the same song again. It'll all come flooding back! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's - well, that's not a bad idea! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know, right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If it works, I can go further, also consigning smells and foods to certain periods in my life! I'll be an old man, looking up "first marriage" in my database, and then reaching for a record player and my first bite of Wensleydale in years. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm getting in on this action too! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BUT THEN, DISASTER! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw frig! Someone has mashed up Jay-Z's "Dirt Off Your Shoulder" and the 1-1 theme from Mario 3! Suddenly my current crush and the death of my first dog have become irrevocably mixed!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I feel very oddly about dead dogs right now |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] GREGOR MACGREGOR COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That name is totally made up. It was made up by a Scottish Enthusiast. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm just sayin'. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway, Gregor MacGregor was this explorer guy in the 1800s! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In 1820 he sailed from the Mosquito Coast of Central America to England, with the news that one of the native kings there had given him 30,000 km2 of land! The land was incredibly fertile, the natives helpful, and he'd already established an army, banks, civil service AND democracy there. You couldn't walk without tripping on the gold nuggets that littered the ground, and MacGregor was selling land grants at a very reasonable rate!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're describing the FICTIONAL nation of Poyais, T-Rex! That was a huge scam! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It - what? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] When the colony boats arrived, instead of opera houses they found untamed jungle, tropical disease and venomous snakes. One settler even committed suicide after trading his life savings for passage. By the time a rescue boat was sent and returned to London, 180 of the 240 emigrants had DIED. [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] SEE T-REX THIS IS WHY I KEEP SAYING YOU SHOULD FINISH YOUR BOOKS BEFORE TELLING YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT THEM [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It wasn't a book!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes, well- It seemed like a good idea at the |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] GREGOR MACGREGOR COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That name is totally made up. It was made up by a Scottish Enthusiast. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm just sayin'. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway, Gregor MacGregor was this explorer guy in the 1800s! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In 1820 he sailed from the Mosquito Coast of Central America to England, with the news that one of the native kings there had given him 30,000 km2 of land! The land was incredibly fertile, the natives helpful, and he'd already established an army, banks, civil service AND democracy there. You couldn't walk without tripping on the gold nuggets that littered the ground, and MacGregor was selling land grants at a very reasonable rate!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're describing the FICTIONAL nation of Poyais, T-Rex! That was a huge scam! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It - what? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] When the colony boats arrived, instead of opera houses they found untamed jungle, tropical disease and venomous snakes. One settler even committed suicide after trading his life savings for passage. By the time a rescue boat was sent and returned to London, 180 of the 240 emigrants had DIED. [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] SEE T-REX THIS IS WHY I KEEP SAYING YOU SHOULD FINISH YOUR BOOKS BEFORE TELLING YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT THEM [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It wasn't a book!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It was a WIKIPEDIA PAGE that got BORING half-way through. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMICS IN WHICH T-REX HAS DEVELOPED SUPER HEALING POWERS, WHICH ALLOW HIM TO RECOVER FROM ANY INJURY ALMOST INSTANTLY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I wonder if today is a lovely day to go on a walk! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey! It IS a lovely day to go on a walk! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ANYWAY T-REX NEVER INJURED HIMSELF THAT DAY AND THE POWERS WORE OFF SOON AFTER [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE END [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX'S GREATEST FEAR COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My greatest fear is having superpowers and not realizing it! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Really? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh my God, I'm TERRIFIED of missing out. I might have elevated strength, but I never try to lift a skyscraper over my head, you know? How would I discover which muscles to flex to make lasers shoot out of my hands? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hah! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! I'm serious! It is The Worst Life. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't know I have powers, and over and over again I stand by as everyone close to me gets injured OR WORSE in accidents I could have easily prevented, if only I knew! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If only I could find someone, preferably in my own neighbourhood, to be my companion |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMICS IN WHICH T-REX HAS DEVELOPED SUPER HEALING POWERS, WHICH ALLOW HIM TO RECOVER FROM ANY INJURY ALMOST INSTANTLY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I wonder if today is a lovely day to go on a walk! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey! It IS a lovely day to go on a walk! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ANYWAY T-REX NEVER INJURED HIMSELF THAT DAY AND THE POWERS WORE OFF SOON AFTER [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE END [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX'S GREATEST FEAR COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My greatest fear is having superpowers and not realizing it! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Really? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh my God, I'm TERRIFIED of missing out. I might have elevated strength, but I never try to lift a skyscraper over my head, you know? How would I discover which muscles to flex to make lasers shoot out of my hands? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hah! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! I'm serious! It is The Worst Life. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't know I have powers, and over and over again I stand by as everyone close to me gets injured OR WORSE in accidents I could have easily prevented, if only I knew! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! When I die I get an award for "Most Opportunities Missed" and nobody claps!! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...ummary and in conclusion, that's how "in medias res" works! THE END. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LITERARY TECHNIQUES COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] today's technique: IN MEDIAS RES [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex! That's not "in medias res"!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] In medias res is when you join a story mid-way through, not just before the end! It's Lation for "in the Middle of things"? What you're doing is a different literary technique, known only as "Bad Storytelling". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh yeah? Well I've got a literary technique for YOU, my friend! It's called TELLING OFF UTAHRAPTOR!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE IN TUDOR ENGLAND [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Shakespeare, add a dinosaur character to Hamlet called "Utahraptor" and have Hamlet tell him off, okay? [SPEAKER] SHAKESPEARE [LINE] dinosaurs haven't been discovered yet [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What's that? [SPEAKER] SHAKESPEARE [LINE] DINOSAURS HAVEN'T BEEN DISCOVERED YET [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I should get some |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...ummary and in conclusion, that's how "in medias res" works! THE END. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LITERARY TECHNIQUES COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] today's technique: IN MEDIAS RES [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex! That's not "in medias res"!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] In medias res is when you join a story mid-way through, not just before the end! It's Lation for "in the Middle of things"? What you're doing is a different literary technique, known only as "Bad Storytelling". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh yeah? Well I've got a literary technique for YOU, my friend! It's called TELLING OFF UTAHRAPTOR!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE IN TUDOR ENGLAND [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Shakespeare, add a dinosaur character to Hamlet called "Utahraptor" and have Hamlet tell him off, okay? [SPEAKER] SHAKESPEARE [LINE] dinosaurs haven't been discovered yet [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What's that? [SPEAKER] SHAKESPEARE [LINE] DINOSAURS HAVEN'T BEEN DISCOVERED YET [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Shakespeare! Take the credit!! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] DIFFERENT WAYS TO MEET NEW PEOPLE TO DATE [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] a comic for dudes and ladies who are newly single and who are like, man, SCREW THIS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] METHOD 1: TAKE UP SPORTS! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You can meet people at sports! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] I GUESS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] METHOD 2: ASK YOUR FRIENDS IF THEY HAVE ANY SEXY FRIENDS THEY COULD INTRODUCE YOU TO! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Beyond me, that is! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] YES. YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY SAY "DO YOU HAVE ANY SEXY FRIENDS, BEYOND ME, THAT IS" AND THEN DATE WHOEVER THEY COME UP WITH [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] METHOD 3: DATE YOUR BEST FRIEND'S SIBLINGS! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Don't date my siblings, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FINE [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] METHOD 4: GOING UP TO STRANGERS AND SAYING "EXCUSE ME, BUT YOU ARE INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's kinda sketch. It can go either way but I think it veers wildly towards Sketchtowne. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] WHAT IF YOU THRUST YOUR HIPS AFTERWARDS [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That - doesn't help? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] METHOD 5: RANDOM SELECTION FROM THE PHONE BOOK! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Excuse me, are you "Jennifer Klug"? [SPEAKER] JENNIFER KLUG [LINE] Yes? Are you on speakerphone? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I propose a journey to the moon! |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] DIFFERENT WAYS TO MEET NEW PEOPLE TO DATE [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] a comic for dudes and ladies who are newly single and who are like, man, SCREW THIS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] METHOD 1: TAKE UP SPORTS! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You can meet people at sports! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] I GUESS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] METHOD 2: ASK YOUR FRIENDS IF THEY HAVE ANY SEXY FRIENDS THEY COULD INTRODUCE YOU TO! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Beyond me, that is! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] YES. YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY SAY "DO YOU HAVE ANY SEXY FRIENDS, BEYOND ME, THAT IS" AND THEN DATE WHOEVER THEY COME UP WITH [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] METHOD 3: DATE YOUR BEST FRIEND'S SIBLINGS! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Don't date my siblings, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FINE [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] METHOD 4: GOING UP TO STRANGERS AND SAYING "EXCUSE ME, BUT YOU ARE INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's kinda sketch. It can go either way but I think it veers wildly towards Sketchtowne. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] WHAT IF YOU THRUST YOUR HIPS AFTERWARDS [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That - doesn't help? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] METHOD 5: RANDOM SELECTION FROM THE PHONE BOOK! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Excuse me, are you "Jennifer Klug"? [SPEAKER] JENNIFER KLUG [LINE] Yes? Are you on speakerphone? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Jennifer - Yes. Do you want a |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have begun to receive insulting spam messages: really vitriolic ones! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ant there's not even a product to buy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's like - it's this one spammer who got SO PISSED that nobody was enlarging their penis anymore that he just went off the deep end. And now he's insulting thousands of people per second in the most hateful vile and terrible screeds I've ever read. So awful! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But how do you know it's spam? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Huh? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, has anyone else gotten messages like this? Maybe the guy really just dislikes you! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I - I assumed it was spam because of all the spelling mistakes and because the guy's name was "Boorishly P. Foundry"! But - hmm... [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] TEN POINT EIGHT YEARS AGO: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey Boorishly! Your name sounds made up!: [SPEAKER] BOORISHLY [LINE] Huh! That didn't get me so mad initially, but I think it's making me madder at the rate of 1/1000th of a rage unit per day! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm of the |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have begun to receive insulting spam messages: really vitriolic ones! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ant there's not even a product to buy! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's like - it's this one spammer who got SO PISSED that nobody was enlarging their penis anymore that he just went off the deep end. And now he's insulting thousands of people per second in the most hateful vile and terrible screeds I've ever read. So awful! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But how do you know it's spam? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Huh? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, has anyone else gotten messages like this? Maybe the guy really just dislikes you! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I - I assumed it was spam because of all the spelling mistakes and because the guy's name was "Boorishly P. Foundry"! But - hmm... [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] TEN POINT EIGHT YEARS AGO: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey Boorishly! Your name sounds made up!: [SPEAKER] BOORISHLY [LINE] Huh! That didn't get me so mad initially, but I think it's making me madder at the rate of 1/1000th of a rage unit per day! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey Boorishly! WHATEVER |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guess who had a bike accident yesterday morning! If you guessed "Shit! T-Rex?" you are correct!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also, you shouldn't swear! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But it was me. I was biking and a dog darted in front of me and I guess it turns out I'm not a guy who will run over a dog! I'll run over a squirrel no problem but I swerve and slam on my brakes and go over the handlebars of my bike to avoid hitting a dog. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] T-REx, I've always wondered: how do you ride a bike with your tine ar- [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I get them custom made, DROMICEIOMIMUS. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So you swerved to avoid a dog and were thrown from your bike, going over the handlebars. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So where are the cuts? You should have at least a little road rash. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They're all, um, on my opposite side with now. The side you can't see. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So turn around! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello! I am late for an appointment! Also, I don't have to listen to you!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SUDDEN DEPRESSING ENDING COMICS! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There are no scratches! Alright? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I - I just... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also gold! Especially if it's a cheque for |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guess who had a bike accident yesterday morning! If you guessed "Shit! T-Rex?" you are correct!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also, you shouldn't swear! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But it was me. I was biking and a dog darted in front of me and I guess it turns out I'm not a guy who will run over a dog! I'll run over a squirrel no problem but I swerve and slam on my brakes and go over the handlebars of my bike to avoid hitting a dog. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] T-REx, I've always wondered: how do you ride a bike with your tine ar- [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I get them custom made, DROMICEIOMIMUS. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So you swerved to avoid a dog and were thrown from your bike, going over the handlebars. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So where are the cuts? You should have at least a little road rash. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They're all, um, on my opposite side with now. The side you can't see. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So turn around! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello! I am late for an appointment! Also, I don't have to listen to you!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SUDDEN DEPRESSING ENDING COMICS! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There are no scratches! Alright? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I - I just... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I wanted to be the guy that swerved |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I wonder what someone studying my life for a FUTURE BIOGRAPHY would think about me. What does it mean that I spend so much time doing the things I do? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And what if they got the analysis wrong? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What if they saw my interest in smooching as indicative of feelings of sexual inadequacy? What if they see my stepping on houses as symbolic of the way I let my rugged manly heart step on all but the most amusing of emotions it experiences? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Huh? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm just concerned that after I'm dead, folks will write books about me filled with sass! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think I've figured you out, my friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Explain! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You WANT your actions analyzed. You want it because if a third party analyzes them, not only does that suggest they're interesting, but it also gives them intrinsic meaning: there must be something there worthy of analysis! You never have to worry about living a meaningful life if there's someone else to find meaning for you. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! You realize that you just analyzed my actions today and found meaning in them? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Aw man! It wasn't on purpose!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And that's all I have to say on the subject!! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I wonder what someone studying my life for a FUTURE BIOGRAPHY would think about me. What does it mean that I spend so much time doing the things I do? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And what if they got the analysis wrong? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What if they saw my interest in smooching as indicative of feelings of sexual inadequacy? What if they see my stepping on houses as symbolic of the way I let my rugged manly heart step on all but the most amusing of emotions it experiences? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Huh? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm just concerned that after I'm dead, folks will write books about me filled with sass! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think I've figured you out, my friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Explain! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You WANT your actions analyzed. You want it because if a third party analyzes them, not only does that suggest they're interesting, but it also gives them intrinsic meaning: there must be something there worthy of analysis! You never have to worry about living a meaningful life if there's someone else to find meaning for you. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! You realize that you just analyzed my actions today and found meaning in them? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Aw man! It wasn't on purpose!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm going to go write "boners ahoy" on a bathroom |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX HAS WRITTEN A NEW STORY! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! It's about a guy named "Clarke Kente"! His name is CLOSE to Superman's secret identity, but legally and creatively distinct. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And then in my story Clarke's looking for a girlfriend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And then he meets a woman named "Louise Laan" and then they're dating and there's some smooching and romance and it all ends in marriage. The end! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What? That's it? That's the story? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's a good story! It's heartwarming and the theme is that, SOMETIMES, people can fall in love. Aww! Everyone loves to be reminded of that! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So do Superman comics exist in this story? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! Nobody knows about Superman. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ah, so you use the characters to finally give Clark Kent the quiet and stable relationship with Lois he could never have as Superman. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, that would be good, but that's not my story. My story is a simple love tale about simple people, with names that are legally and creatively distinct. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: PHONE CALLS! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] DC Comics, quit hasslin' me! Clarke and Louise and Bruce Swaine are my own characters! [SPEAKER] OFFSCREEN [LINE] Um, I'm just a telemarketer who wants to sell you some long distance? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] God damn it! Can you believe I forgot again? |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX HAS WRITTEN A NEW STORY! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! It's about a guy named "Clarke Kente"! His name is CLOSE to Superman's secret identity, but legally and creatively distinct. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And then in my story Clarke's looking for a girlfriend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And then he meets a woman named "Louise Laan" and then they're dating and there's some smooching and romance and it all ends in marriage. The end! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What? That's it? That's the story? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's a good story! It's heartwarming and the theme is that, SOMETIMES, people can fall in love. Aww! Everyone loves to be reminded of that! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So do Superman comics exist in this story? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! Nobody knows about Superman. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ah, so you use the characters to finally give Clark Kent the quiet and stable relationship with Lois he could never have as Superman. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, that would be good, but that's not my story. My story is a simple love tale about simple people, with names that are legally and creatively distinct. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: PHONE CALLS! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] DC Comics, quit hasslin' me! Clarke and Louise and Bruce Swaine are my own characters! [SPEAKER] OFFSCREEN [LINE] Um, I'm just a telemarketer who wants to sell you some long distance? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Listen, if we both pretend we can both get |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] As of today, I am officially living in the future! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's because as of TODAY, I am the proud owner of a robot! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] His name is Breadmatic 5000 and he's great. His specialty? Baking friggin' bread! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] That's not a robot, T-Rex! That's a standard bread machine. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] He's a robot! He's a robot and he sits on the kitchen counter and when I press the "Breadmatic, I would like some bread tonight" button and then put the ingredients inside him, he turns them into bread. You know how he does it? Through ROBOTICS. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] He's not even anthropomorphic! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Robots don't have to be!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Breadmatic is a box because that is ROBOTICALLY DETERMINED to be the optimal shape for bread production, okay? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You bought him at the grocery store. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You live in a bland world of consumer electronics, Utahraptor. I live in a world of robot pals who bake me food! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT EVENING: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Breadmatic, I'm worried! The fact that you're a robot is already coming between me and my non-robot friends! [SPEAKER] BREADMATIC 5000 [LINE] YOUR BREAD IS NOW: READY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sometimes, Breadmatic, in my most private moments... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But - she can have more, right? She |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] As of today, I am officially living in the future! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's because as of TODAY, I am the proud owner of a robot! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] His name is Breadmatic 5000 and he's great. His specialty? Baking friggin' bread! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] That's not a robot, T-Rex! That's a standard bread machine. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] He's a robot! He's a robot and he sits on the kitchen counter and when I press the "Breadmatic, I would like some bread tonight" button and then put the ingredients inside him, he turns them into bread. You know how he does it? Through ROBOTICS. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] He's not even anthropomorphic! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Robots don't have to be!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Breadmatic is a box because that is ROBOTICALLY DETERMINED to be the optimal shape for bread production, okay? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You bought him at the grocery store. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You live in a bland world of consumer electronics, Utahraptor. I live in a world of robot pals who bake me food! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT EVENING: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Breadmatic, I'm worried! The fact that you're a robot is already coming between me and my non-robot friends! [SPEAKER] BREADMATIC 5000 [LINE] YOUR BREAD IS NOW: READY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sometimes, Breadmatic, in my most private moments... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...sometimes I worry that I won't be enough. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] The Woman Who Woke Up As A Man [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] by T-Rex [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Once upon a time there was a woman who woke up as a man! That's her. Pretty tough, right/ Frig! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Anyway she woke up as a totally tough dude, stepping on houses like they were toy Monopoly houses, like in the picture? Everyone liked her. But her female form was missing and eventually people thought that she was murdered! Nobody believed her that she was a dude now and they thought maybe HE (the girl) murdered her (herself). She went to jail and EVENTUALLY, she died in jail, from a terminal case of too much being...in jail. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE END. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex, I read your comic! The one you slipped under my door with the note "FEED BACK PLZ ;)"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, okay, you don't explain how or why the woman switched sexes, and I don't get why you wrote a story where a guy who looks like you is a woman, only to basically ignore the premise. And um, the ending was among the most un-satisfying I'd ever read. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I see! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE PAST! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] T-Rex, it's me, T-Rex from the future! Don't let Utahraptor read your comic because he's going to be a dick about it, okay? [SPEAKER] T-REX OFF-PANEL [LINE] I still say "dick" in the future? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We are the much more sensual people. |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] The Woman Who Woke Up As A Man [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] by T-Rex [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Once upon a time there was a woman who woke up as a man! That's her. Pretty tough, right/ Frig! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Anyway she woke up as a totally tough dude, stepping on houses like they were toy Monopoly houses, like in the picture? Everyone liked her. But her female form was missing and eventually people thought that she was murdered! Nobody believed her that she was a dude now and they thought maybe HE (the girl) murdered her (herself). She went to jail and EVENTUALLY, she died in jail, from a terminal case of too much being...in jail. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE END. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex, I read your comic! The one you slipped under my door with the note "FEED BACK PLZ ;)"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, okay, you don't explain how or why the woman switched sexes, and I don't get why you wrote a story where a guy who looks like you is a woman, only to basically ignore the premise. And um, the ending was among the most un-satisfying I'd ever read. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I see! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE PAST! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] T-Rex, it's me, T-Rex from the future! Don't let Utahraptor read your comic because he's going to be a dick about it, okay? [SPEAKER] T-REX OFF-PANEL [LINE] I still say "dick" in the future? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm from like 2 hours in the |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guys, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but, well, here we are. I should just say it. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Bingo is totally suboptimal and inefficient! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Check it out: replace the caller with a computer, and you make the bingo numbers get called like a billion times faster. Replace the bingo players with other computers, and you speed up the rate at which the game is played. Tie both these innovations together and you can play HUNDREDS of bingo games per second! ONCE AGAIN, something has been made orders of magnitude more efficient by simply replacing all life involved with cold and soulless bingo-playing machines. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But the fun thing of bingo is in dabbing the numbers, in building up suspense as the game progresses. You've made it boring! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My new, hyper-efficient bingo is basically like putting in your money, pressing a button, and being informed whether or not you've won. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Exactly! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But that's what slot machines do, and people LINE UP to play them! OH SNAP! IS THIS ANOTHER ARGUMENT WON BY T-REX?? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THREE DAYS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] HEY UTAHRAPTOR! DO YOU REMEMBER THREE DAYS AGO, WHEN I TOTALLY BEAT YOU IN AN ARGUMENT? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] TO BE HONEST [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The question the Devil just |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guys, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but, well, here we are. I should just say it. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Bingo is totally suboptimal and inefficient! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Check it out: replace the caller with a computer, and you make the bingo numbers get called like a billion times faster. Replace the bingo players with other computers, and you speed up the rate at which the game is played. Tie both these innovations together and you can play HUNDREDS of bingo games per second! ONCE AGAIN, something has been made orders of magnitude more efficient by simply replacing all life involved with cold and soulless bingo-playing machines. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But the fun thing of bingo is in dabbing the numbers, in building up suspense as the game progresses. You've made it boring! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My new, hyper-efficient bingo is basically like putting in your money, pressing a button, and being informed whether or not you've won. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Exactly! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But that's what slot machines do, and people LINE UP to play them! OH SNAP! IS THIS ANOTHER ARGUMENT WON BY T-REX?? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THREE DAYS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] HEY UTAHRAPTOR! DO YOU REMEMBER THREE DAYS AGO, WHEN I TOTALLY BEAT YOU IN AN ARGUMENT? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] TO BE HONEST [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'M KINDA LINGERING ON IT |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If you want to know what life on Earth was like yesterday, there's like a billion people you turn to! MORE, probably! Probably more. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But if you want to know about life 6 million years ago, there's only a handful of fossils! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And it would be TOTALLY RAD if this record was all really exceptional people. Like if I lived millions of years ago, only I was a mutant with a fully-formed extra hand growing out of the base of my spine! If I was the only specimen from the time, we might conclude that EVERYONE had butt hands then, and that would be provably hilarious. Then I thought: maybe we're already doing this! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How do you figure? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, maybe we're doing the opposite! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe millions of years ago life was awesome and surreal, but only the boring specimens got preserved. Maybe the non-chumps knew to avoid river beds and tar pits! Maybe dragons don't fossilize. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's incredibly unlikely! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what else it is? Incredibly AWESOME. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] YEARS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My sinister raccoon and cephalopod neighbours are having a sleep-over |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If you want to know what life on Earth was like yesterday, there's like a billion people you turn to! MORE, probably! Probably more. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But if you want to know about life 6 million years ago, there's only a handful of fossils! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And it would be TOTALLY RAD if this record was all really exceptional people. Like if I lived millions of years ago, only I was a mutant with a fully-formed extra hand growing out of the base of my spine! If I was the only specimen from the time, we might conclude that EVERYONE had butt hands then, and that would be provably hilarious. Then I thought: maybe we're already doing this! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How do you figure? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, maybe we're doing the opposite! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe millions of years ago life was awesome and surreal, but only the boring specimens got preserved. Maybe the non-chumps knew to avoid river beds and tar pits! Maybe dragons don't fossilize. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's incredibly unlikely! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what else it is? Incredibly AWESOME. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] YEARS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is impossible to know if my dream came true |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have filled out change of name forms for Utahraptor! I have done this because I am a good friend who likes to make surprises. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] From now on, Utahraptor will be known only as "Utahraptore"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The added "e" gives him an exotic Spanish flair. Utahraptore, the fiery outlaw fighting for the repressed, the mysterious man of dark passions! The man whose smile disarms the men as easily as his rapier disarms the women. Who is this masked man? Who is this... this Utahraptore? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm not signing those forms! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Come on! It Will Be Awesome. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You'll get a new name and a new reputation AND a new driver's license, and I'll get to say "Oh, him? He's my mysterious friend, Utahraptore." All you need to do is sign! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm not signing them. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, frig, this has been a complete waste of a Monday morning! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think that comedy |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have filled out change of name forms for Utahraptor! I have done this because I am a good friend who likes to make surprises. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] From now on, Utahraptor will be known only as "Utahraptore"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The added "e" gives him an exotic Spanish flair. Utahraptore, the fiery outlaw fighting for the repressed, the mysterious man of dark passions! The man whose smile disarms the men as easily as his rapier disarms the women. Who is this masked man? Who is this... this Utahraptore? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm not signing those forms! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Come on! It Will Be Awesome. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You'll get a new name and a new reputation AND a new driver's license, and I'll get to say "Oh, him? He's my mysterious friend, Utahraptore." All you need to do is sign! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm not signing them. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, frig, this has been a complete waste of a Monday morning! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Frig, it's actually Tuesday!! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] People like different songs because they have different tastes in music. This I concede. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] However! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I still think there could be One Perfect Song! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think someone, some day - let's say, ME - might sit down and write a song that is legitimately great. A song that transcends personal taste and never gets old and is everyone's favorite, without exception. The best of all possible songs. What would the music world be like if there were no longer any chance of anyone else having a number one song - THE number one song? What if everyone was left fighting for second place? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I actually think it would be fascinating! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Really? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah! It would be amazing seeing how some artists react, knowing the best epitaph they could hope for was "runner up". I think you'd see a lot of esoteric music, exploring areas that aren't in the number one song! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well! I guess I'd better get to work, huh? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE SOMEONE HAS ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISHED THIS: [SPEAKER] OFFSCREEN [LINE] Yo, I'm not number one but I'm still good/ My parents know that I've done/ basically the best I could! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, happy birthday! You are still |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] People like different songs because they have different tastes in music. This I concede. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] However! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I still think there could be One Perfect Song! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think someone, some day - let's say, ME - might sit down and write a song that is legitimately great. A song that transcends personal taste and never gets old and is everyone's favorite, without exception. The best of all possible songs. What would the music world be like if there were no longer any chance of anyone else having a number one song - THE number one song? What if everyone was left fighting for second place? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I actually think it would be fascinating! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Really? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah! It would be amazing seeing how some artists react, knowing the best epitaph they could hope for was "runner up". I think you'd see a lot of esoteric music, exploring areas that aren't in the number one song! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well! I guess I'd better get to work, huh? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE SOMEONE HAS ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISHED THIS: [SPEAKER] OFFSCREEN [LINE] Yo, I'm not number one but I'm still good/ My parents know that I've done/ basically the best I could! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man! I miss OLD gangsta rap! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If you drop something heavy on your foot, your first instinct is likely to scream in pain. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dudes and ladies! This is not such a useful reaction! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Screaming doesn't fix the problem, it just draws attention to your bruisey foot. And when your scream is followed by cursing, THAT just says "My foot hurts now, and I believe this is equivalent to poo." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We can do better! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What else would you suggest? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anything, man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Throw a punch! Yell "Totally intentional, folks!!" Tuck into a spin to deflect any other falling items! ANYTHING's better than the standard "ARGH FRIG OW FRIG." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think I'd rather NOT be around a guy who punches upon injury. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Whatever, man! Bears do it, and everybody likes bears! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER, T-REX FEELS REGRET FOR HOW THE CONVERSATION WENT. HE WORRIES THAT UTAHRAPTOR WANTED TO HAVE A SERIOUS DISCUSSION. BUT HE WAS MAKING JOKES ABOUT BEARS. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The best way to revenge yourself on an animal is to eat it. |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If you drop something heavy on your foot, your first instinct is likely to scream in pain. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dudes and ladies! This is not such a useful reaction! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Screaming doesn't fix the problem, it just draws attention to your bruisey foot. And when your scream is followed by cursing, THAT just says "My foot hurts now, and I believe this is equivalent to poo." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We can do better! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What else would you suggest? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anything, man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Throw a punch! Yell "Totally intentional, folks!!" Tuck into a spin to deflect any other falling items! ANYTHING's better than the standard "ARGH FRIG OW FRIG." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think I'd rather NOT be around a guy who punches upon injury. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Whatever, man! Bears do it, and everybody likes bears! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER, T-REX FEELS REGRET FOR HOW THE CONVERSATION WENT. HE WORRIES THAT UTAHRAPTOR WANTED TO HAVE A SERIOUS DISCUSSION. BUT HE WAS MAKING JOKES ABOUT BEARS. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sometimes i worry that if I were someone else, I wouldn't want to |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey God, you know on Star Trek, when sometimes they go back in time? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] YEP [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It interferes with my ability to enjoy the show! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] OKAY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Seriously though. It ruins my suspension of disbelief! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The issue is they're traveling back in time in an understood, repeatable way: slingshot around the sun! It's just - why wouldn't they do that all the time? When anything bad happens, whenever there's tension and the fate of the galaxy hangs in the balance, I always think, "Well, worst case, they could just go back in time and fix this. I wonder - I wonder why they don't do that." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You can't put the genie back in the bottle! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! Exactly!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, I mean, not EXACTLY. Metaphorically. It was a good metaphor. By "exactly", I meant to communicate "Utahraptor, that is an exact metaphor." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Gotcha. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay. Good. Alright, I'm going to go back to talking about Star Trek now. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hold on, I can do this! Okay. |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey God, you know on Star Trek, when sometimes they go back in time? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] YEP [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It interferes with my ability to enjoy the show! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] OKAY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Seriously though. It ruins my suspension of disbelief! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The issue is they're traveling back in time in an understood, repeatable way: slingshot around the sun! It's just - why wouldn't they do that all the time? When anything bad happens, whenever there's tension and the fate of the galaxy hangs in the balance, I always think, "Well, worst case, they could just go back in time and fix this. I wonder - I wonder why they don't do that." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You can't put the genie back in the bottle! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! Exactly!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, I mean, not EXACTLY. Metaphorically. It was a good metaphor. By "exactly", I meant to communicate "Utahraptor, that is an exact metaphor." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Gotcha. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay. Good. Alright, I'm going to go back to talking about Star Trek now. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Attention, everyone!! That was pretty much all |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know those guys who have been hiccuping for 70 years or whatever? I'm glad I'm not one of those guys. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hiccuping forever is this weird sort of... forced immortality! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But I thought you were all about going down in history, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's true! But on my own terms. I can't control hiccups, so it's really being remembered for something that my body's doing that's really incidental to who I am, you know? Anyone who heard of me would know me as The Hiccup Guy, and it would overshadow anything else I did with my life. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think if you cured cancer or something, we'd still know your name! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] True! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But the headlines would still be "Hiccuping Doctor Cures Cancer". It's too memorable to overlook! I like choosing my OWN destiny. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, so go to that. Choose your own adventure. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, that reference has instantly inspired me to be the best I can possibly be!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER, T-REX DISCOVERS THAT 80S REFERENCES WORKED INTO CONVERSATION INSPIRE HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING! [SPEAKER] OUT OF PANEL [LINE] We're focusing too much on the mistakes of the past. Let's get back to the future, shall we? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] OH MY GOD JUST DO IT OKAY?? |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know those guys who have been hiccuping for 70 years or whatever? I'm glad I'm not one of those guys. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hiccuping forever is this weird sort of... forced immortality! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But I thought you were all about going down in history, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's true! But on my own terms. I can't control hiccups, so it's really being remembered for something that my body's doing that's really incidental to who I am, you know? Anyone who heard of me would know me as The Hiccup Guy, and it would overshadow anything else I did with my life. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think if you cured cancer or something, we'd still know your name! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] True! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But the headlines would still be "Hiccuping Doctor Cures Cancer". It's too memorable to overlook! I like choosing my OWN destiny. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, so go to that. Choose your own adventure. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, that reference has instantly inspired me to be the best I can possibly be!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER, T-REX DISCOVERS THAT 80S REFERENCES WORKED INTO CONVERSATION INSPIRE HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING! [SPEAKER] OUT OF PANEL [LINE] We're focusing too much on the mistakes of the past. Let's get back to the future, shall we? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] YES!! YES, LET'S DO THAT! HOLY CRAP! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX HAS BEEN INVITED TO ANOTHER WEDDING. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! I know what that means... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ill-advised hookups!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's the wedding experience! You get some single people together who think life is a race, and then you convince them THROUGH THE MEDIUM OF WEDDING that the only way to avoid coming in dead last is to get married! The result: hookups! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hookups of the ill-advised nature!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Come on, T-Rex, that's just a stupid stereotype and lame soap opera trope! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Lame and SEXY [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I just think that if you go into this wedding evaluating all the guests by their hookup potential, it'll colour your wedding experience in a really weird way. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, guess what? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm still totally gonna be on the lookout for bad hookups!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] AT THE WEDDING. [SPEAKER] VOICE [LINE] So what are you thinking, baby? Yes or no? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I will, one day, have the best breakfast of my entire life. |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX HAS BEEN INVITED TO ANOTHER WEDDING. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! I know what that means... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ill-advised hookups!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's the wedding experience! You get some single people together who think life is a race, and then you convince them THROUGH THE MEDIUM OF WEDDING that the only way to avoid coming in dead last is to get married! The result: hookups! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hookups of the ill-advised nature!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Come on, T-Rex, that's just a stupid stereotype and lame soap opera trope! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Lame and SEXY [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I just think that if you go into this wedding evaluating all the guests by their hookup potential, it'll colour your wedding experience in a really weird way. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, guess what? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm still totally gonna be on the lookout for bad hookups!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] AT THE WEDDING. [SPEAKER] VOICE [LINE] So what are you thinking, baby? Yes or no? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um, I'm thinking... That a lot of my internal conflict and malaise |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am a man who, when he is at an all-you-can-eat restaurant, will restrict what he eats based on his peers. I don't know when to stop, so I rely on the verbal and non-verbal cues of my dining mates to tell me when I'm full! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I call this condition "Appetite Asperger's"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is a hilarious AND excellent name because people with Appetite Asperger's analyze the behaviour of others while eating and come up with a ruleset for saying when they're full. Just like someone with real Asperger's! Only, instead of applying this to social interaction, I apply it exclusively to knowing when to say "Wow, dudes, I'm full! How about you guys, huh? Pretty full? Oh my gosh, me too!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I would've thought you'd call it "T-Rex's condition" or something! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] NORMALLY, I would have! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But I made a list and I've already got like four or five T-Rex's conditions. Plus, Appetite Asperger's has assonance going for it! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I suppose. I'm still not comfortable with the name! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I'm STILL not comfortable with the full range of my sexuality, but we all have to make do!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's right, everyone! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All I ever wanted is a plastic skull that lights up in the dark, |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am a man who, when he is at an all-you-can-eat restaurant, will restrict what he eats based on his peers. I don't know when to stop, so I rely on the verbal and non-verbal cues of my dining mates to tell me when I'm full! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I call this condition "Appetite Asperger's"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is a hilarious AND excellent name because people with Appetite Asperger's analyze the behaviour of others while eating and come up with a ruleset for saying when they're full. Just like someone with real Asperger's! Only, instead of applying this to social interaction, I apply it exclusively to knowing when to say "Wow, dudes, I'm full! How about you guys, huh? Pretty full? Oh my gosh, me too!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I would've thought you'd call it "T-Rex's condition" or something! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] NORMALLY, I would have! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But I made a list and I've already got like four or five T-Rex's conditions. Plus, Appetite Asperger's has assonance going for it! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I suppose. I'm still not comfortable with the name! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I'm STILL not comfortable with the full range of my sexuality, but we all have to make do!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's right, everyone! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] TODAY IS THE DAY I SHARE MORE ABOUT MYSELF THAN MAYBE I WANTED TO |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So, SOMETIMES, archeologists find things that don't belong in their geological contexts: shells where there were no oceans, that sort of thing. And there's lots of explanations like "maybe an animal ate it and pooped it out, GROSS." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But sometimes these objects are found with human remains! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And when that happens they call it a manuport: something that was carried by hand by ancient dead dudes. Manuports are neat because they show you what ancient dead dudes found interesting! And the most awesome manuport is the oldest one, called the Makapansgat pebble. It dates to 3 million years ago! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] There weren't humans around to carry it 3 million years ago, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But there were PROTOHUMANS. Australopithecines! And the Makapansgat pebble has this natural "eye eye mouth" face shape on it. A protohuman had enough curiosity and aesthetic sense, 3 MILLION YEARS AGO, to see the face in the rock, and thought it was special enough to carry around with him until he died. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think it's beautiful and amazing that millions of years later, another human being dug up the same pebble, recognized the same face, and maybe even for a moment, dreamed the same dreams. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You stepped on a human being back there. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Never lose a baby, because if |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So, SOMETIMES, archeologists find things that don't belong in their geological contexts: shells where there were no oceans, that sort of thing. And there's lots of explanations like "maybe an animal ate it and pooped it out, GROSS." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But sometimes these objects are found with human remains! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And when that happens they call it a manuport: something that was carried by hand by ancient dead dudes. Manuports are neat because they show you what ancient dead dudes found interesting! And the most awesome manuport is the oldest one, called the Makapansgat pebble. It dates to 3 million years ago! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] There weren't humans around to carry it 3 million years ago, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But there were PROTOHUMANS. Australopithecines! And the Makapansgat pebble has this natural "eye eye mouth" face shape on it. A protohuman had enough curiosity and aesthetic sense, 3 MILLION YEARS AGO, to see the face in the rock, and thought it was special enough to carry around with him until he died. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think it's beautiful and amazing that millions of years later, another human being dug up the same pebble, recognized the same face, and maybe even for a moment, dreamed the same dreams. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You stepped on a human being back there. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's - um, that's beautiful too? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] DINOSAUR COMICS ASKS: IF YOU COULD GAIN ANY SENSE, WHAT WOULD IT BE? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A sense of FUTURE sight! Dudes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I could look around and say "In ten minutes it's going to rain!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But then the downside is that if I saw a car accident, I'd be duty bound to try to prevent it. And PLUS, once word got out about my awesome power, whenever I was with my friends and they tripped or whatever, they'd blame me! They'd sit on the ground rubbing their knee saying "THANKS T-REX" with ultimate sarcasm when THEY were the clumsy chumps! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, why wouldn't you warn us? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe my mouth was full! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe I was warning someone else to my left! MAYBE RISK IS PART OF FREEDOM AND BY PROTECTING MY FRIENDS FROM ALL POSSIBLE DANGER I STUNT THEIR GROWTH AND BECOME THE SINGLE GREATEST THREAT TO THEIR OWN SELF-REALIZATION?? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also, maybe the guy tripping was HITLER. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's right, Utahraptor! I'll say I'm friends with Hitler to win an argument!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Folks just want to tell increasingly awesome stories! |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] DINOSAUR COMICS ASKS: IF YOU COULD GAIN ANY SENSE, WHAT WOULD IT BE? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A sense of FUTURE sight! Dudes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I could look around and say "In ten minutes it's going to rain!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But then the downside is that if I saw a car accident, I'd be duty bound to try to prevent it. And PLUS, once word got out about my awesome power, whenever I was with my friends and they tripped or whatever, they'd blame me! They'd sit on the ground rubbing their knee saying "THANKS T-REX" with ultimate sarcasm when THEY were the clumsy chumps! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, why wouldn't you warn us? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe my mouth was full! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe I was warning someone else to my left! MAYBE RISK IS PART OF FREEDOM AND BY PROTECTING MY FRIENDS FROM ALL POSSIBLE DANGER I STUNT THEIR GROWTH AND BECOME THE SINGLE GREATEST THREAT TO THEIR OWN SELF-REALIZATION?? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also, maybe the guy tripping was HITLER. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's right, Utahraptor! I'll say I'm friends with Hitler to win an argument!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is the "Reverse Godwin" and the most |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Time for a funny joke, everyone! Alright? Alright. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, so this man gets into a car accident and wraps his car around a telephone pole! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And there's this passer-by who is, um, passing by, and he happens to see it. He rushes over to the crumpled car and says "Oh my God, are you okay??" and the guy says "Well, I get by!" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] ... I don't get it. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The driver misunderstands the question; he thinks it's about whether or not he makes enough money to "get by" in today's difficult world! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But nobody says "Oh my God, are you okay??" to mean "Oh my God, do you have a sufficient salary??" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure they do! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] No they don't! They lock eyes with you and say "Are you doing alright?" with a hand on your shoulder or something. Honestly, this joke seems like it could have been funny at some point, but you telephone gamed it in your head and it doesn't make sense anymore. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] EARLIER: [SPEAKER] PASSERBY [LINE] So he rushes over and puts a hand on the guy's shoulder and says "Oh my God, are you okay? Are you doing alright?" and the guy says "I make a comfortable living!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I tried that, but every theme is taken too! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Time for a funny joke, everyone! Alright? Alright. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, so this man gets into a car accident and wraps his car around a telephone pole! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And there's this passer-by who is, um, passing by, and he happens to see it. He rushes over to the crumpled car and says "Oh my God, are you okay??" and the guy says "Well, I get by!" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] ... I don't get it. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The driver misunderstands the question; he thinks it's about whether or not he makes enough money to "get by" in today's difficult world! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But nobody says "Oh my God, are you okay??" to mean "Oh my God, do you have a sufficient salary??" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure they do! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] No they don't! They lock eyes with you and say "Are you doing alright?" with a hand on your shoulder or something. Honestly, this joke seems like it could have been funny at some point, but you telephone gamed it in your head and it doesn't make sense anymore. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] EARLIER: [SPEAKER] PASSERBY [LINE] So he rushes over and puts a hand on the guy's shoulder and says "Oh my God, are you okay? Are you doing alright?" and the guy says "I make a comfortable living!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah! I think I get it! Listen, I'm gonna |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why am I here? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Good question! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Am I here to fulfill some higher purpose? How can that be, if I remain completely unaware of it? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It appears that there is some aspect of myself that craves a meaning - any meaning - to my actions. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] If you feel so aimless, why not create you own meaning and invest your actions with it? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Good idea! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So what meaning do you see my action representing? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The futility of life? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Easy! I simply replace every instance |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why am I here? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Good question! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Am I here to fulfill some higher purpose? How can that be, if I remain completely unaware of it? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It appears that there is some aspect of myself that craves a meaning - any meaning - to my actions. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] If you feel so aimless, why not create you own meaning and invest your actions with it? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Good idea! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So what meaning do you see my action representing? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The futility of life? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Now I feel worse than ever! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think we can all agree that as a popular culture shifts with time, there were some years that were great and there were some years that were way terrible. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For example! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Everyone knows that the 1920s were awesome ultimate fun times (on account of flappers and swing music!), and everyone knows that the 1970s were a decade of bad decision after bad decision: a cacophony of just - really bad decisions. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I think that some folks like the 70s. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hilarious! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] However, I have studied the past 2000 years and come up with the DEFINITIVE CULTURAL low. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Really? 2000 years? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes, Utahraptor: I have gone all over 2000 years and found the global minimum: the exact day when North American, and indeed, world culture reached its, um, opposite of zenith. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Nadir. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes. And it's the day AFTER the film "Forrest Gump" was released: July 7th, 1994. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But... why? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THURSDAY, JULY 7TH, 1994: 8:04 AM. T-REX IS RUNNING TO CATCH A BUS. [SPEAKER] UNNAMED [LINE] Run Forrest, run!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FRIG!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] truly, the best |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think we can all agree that as a popular culture shifts with time, there were some years that were great and there were some years that were way terrible. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For example! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Everyone knows that the 1920s were awesome ultimate fun times (on account of flappers and swing music!), and everyone knows that the 1970s were a decade of bad decision after bad decision: a cacophony of just - really bad decisions. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I think that some folks like the 70s. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hilarious! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] However, I have studied the past 2000 years and come up with the DEFINITIVE CULTURAL low. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Really? 2000 years? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes, Utahraptor: I have gone all over 2000 years and found the global minimum: the exact day when North American, and indeed, world culture reached its, um, opposite of zenith. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Nadir. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes. And it's the day AFTER the film "Forrest Gump" was released: July 7th, 1994. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But... why? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THURSDAY, JULY 7TH, 1994: 8:04 AM. T-REX IS RUNNING TO CATCH A BUS. [SPEAKER] UNNAMED [LINE] Run Forrest, run!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FRIG!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's really obnoxious! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SCIENCE IN THE YEAR 65,000,000 [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What will science be like in the year 65,000,000? Friends! I am here to tell you: many amazing advances will be made! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Think of how far we've come in just the past one hundred years! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And the pace of innovation is only accelerating. Consider that iPods from only five years ago are now LUDICROUSLY UNACCEPTABLE, when in history a person might own a single record player their entire lives! It is certain that in the year 65,000,000 marvels dwarfing even branded consumer electronics await us. What new and fundamental discoveries about the universe are ahead? Will our personal holographic media players ALSO accept phone calls?? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I believe they may not! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Explain! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I mean only to suggest that the uninterrupted progress of the past century could in fact BE interrupted, perhaps by a planet-wide and biblically awesome catastrophe SO HUGE that intelligent life is forced to re-evolve from scratch. In the year 65,000,000 we may just be catching up to where we are now! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yes? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You raise some good points. However, you forget one crucial thing. |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SCIENCE IN THE YEAR 65,000,000 [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What will science be like in the year 65,000,000? Friends! I am here to tell you: many amazing advances will be made! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Think of how far we've come in just the past one hundred years! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And the pace of innovation is only accelerating. Consider that iPods from only five years ago are now LUDICROUSLY UNACCEPTABLE, when in history a person might own a single record player their entire lives! It is certain that in the year 65,000,000 marvels dwarfing even branded consumer electronics await us. What new and fundamental discoveries about the universe are ahead? Will our personal holographic media players ALSO accept phone calls?? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I believe they may not! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Explain! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I mean only to suggest that the uninterrupted progress of the past century could in fact BE interrupted, perhaps by a planet-wide and biblically awesome catastrophe SO HUGE that intelligent life is forced to re-evolve from scratch. In the year 65,000,000 we may just be catching up to where we are now! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yes? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The new MacBooks have cases that are made out of ALUMINUM. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMICS WITH A SUDDEN CHANGE IN GENRE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a good day I think for lavishing praise on people! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Is this perhaps the ultimate secret to popularity? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SHORTLY: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello little Dromiceiomimus! You are certainly a nice colour this morning! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Oh! Well, thank you! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Think nothing of it, my good lady! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You will stomp nicely, young woman! Good show! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, I heard you were giving out compliments? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am! And you, Utahraptor, are quite affable at times! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "Quite affable at times"? That's it? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's my compliment? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's pretty weak! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SUDDENLY! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's no time for that now! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It refers to when you think |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMICS WITH A SUDDEN CHANGE IN GENRE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a good day I think for lavishing praise on people! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Is this perhaps the ultimate secret to popularity? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SHORTLY: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello little Dromiceiomimus! You are certainly a nice colour this morning! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Oh! Well, thank you! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Think nothing of it, my good lady! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You will stomp nicely, young woman! Good show! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, I heard you were giving out compliments? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am! And you, Utahraptor, are quite affable at times! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "Quite affable at times"? That's it? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's my compliment? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's pretty weak! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SUDDENLY! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's no time for that now! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We've got a President to save! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guys! I have some bad news! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't think I'm cut out to be a law-abiding member of society!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When I see illegal billboards my instinct is not to call the city and register a complaint - my instinct is to tear it down! And when I see a jerk sitting in a parked car at night, projecting an ad on the side of a building, I don't want to call the police and report a citizen acting against the best interests of EVERY OTHER CITIZEN with the exception of himself. I want to disable his projector! And by "disable" I mean "fully destroy"? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So appraently you want to be a vigilante, but just about illegal advertising! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's a small enough issue that I can understand it fully, AND it's a problem I can solve at night with my fists. I can't solve global warming at night with my fists, Utahraptor. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Don't even say it. I can't! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT EVENING: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ATTENTION, ANYONE WHO HAS A LARGE CARBON FOOTPRINT! DO YOU WANT TO BE PUNCHED? [SPEAKER] PERSON WITH A LARGE CARBON FOOTPRINT [LINE] not really!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah! Because my future-country is in the great while north and therefore |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guys! I have some bad news! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't think I'm cut out to be a law-abiding member of society!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When I see illegal billboards my instinct is not to call the city and register a complaint - my instinct is to tear it down! And when I see a jerk sitting in a parked car at night, projecting an ad on the side of a building, I don't want to call the police and report a citizen acting against the best interests of EVERY OTHER CITIZEN with the exception of himself. I want to disable his projector! And by "disable" I mean "fully destroy"? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So appraently you want to be a vigilante, but just about illegal advertising! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's a small enough issue that I can understand it fully, AND it's a problem I can solve at night with my fists. I can't solve global warming at night with my fists, Utahraptor. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Don't even say it. I can't! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT EVENING: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ATTENTION, ANYONE WHO HAS A LARGE CARBON FOOTPRINT! DO YOU WANT TO BE PUNCHED? [SPEAKER] PERSON WITH A LARGE CARBON FOOTPRINT [LINE] not really!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] SEE THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I TRIED TO TELL MY FRIEND UTAHRAPTOR |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Every book is written by an author. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Is this TRULY the worst form of racism? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Well, I can't say that I follow you T-Rex [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Every book is written by SOMEONE, right? My point is that the SYSTEM - the MAN - is set up so that anyone who doesn't want to be an author can't write a book. Ergo, racism ahoy. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I think you mean "prejudice". And what about diaries, amateur writings, transcriptions of dialogue, writing under duress...? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well - by "book" I really meant "T.V. show". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What about reality shows, interviews, documentaries arguably...? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, you know what, at least I'm LOOKING for racism. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Prejudice. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Prejudice. At least I'm not COMPLACENT and ignoring ISSUES and just sitting around with my eyes closed eating cupcakes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wow! Your coolometer level just dropped from "pretty okay" to "striped mesh t-shirt that reads 'Mama's |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Every book is written by an author. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Is this TRULY the worst form of racism? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Well, I can't say that I follow you T-Rex [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Every book is written by SOMEONE, right? My point is that the SYSTEM - the MAN - is set up so that anyone who doesn't want to be an author can't write a book. Ergo, racism ahoy. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I think you mean "prejudice". And what about diaries, amateur writings, transcriptions of dialogue, writing under duress...? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well - by "book" I really meant "T.V. show". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What about reality shows, interviews, documentaries arguably...? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, you know what, at least I'm LOOKING for racism. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Prejudice. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Prejudice. At least I'm not COMPLACENT and ignoring ISSUES and just sitting around with my eyes closed eating cupcakes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... Which actually sounds like a fun time and is something we should definitely do soon! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have come up with an excellent way to celebrate Hallowe'en: a date auction! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Featuring: me! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And since it's Hallowe'en, the prize is NOT ONLY a date with me (T-Rex!) but it's a HELLA CREEPY date with me (T-Rex!). I'll arrive two hours early, stand perfectly still across the street, and peer into your window with binoculars. I'll ring the doorbell while pressing my eye up against the peephole. I'll ask you how your day was and whenever you use the pronoun "I" I'll suck my fingers. I will be only MODERATELY discreet about it. Happy Hallowe'en! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And people will bid on you why? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because of charity! It's all for charity, my good man! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I feel like I'd prefer to give my money to charity directly, rather than go through this whole "creepy date" thing. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, alright, then I guess I'll just end up dating someone who WANTS a hella creepy date with a stranger! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HALLOWE'EN NIGHT: [SPEAKER] STRANGER [LINE] We like it when you suck on your fingers, T-Rex. "I", "I", "I", "I", "I". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw, come on! You only bid like $20! [SPEAKER] STRANGER [LINE] So? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's just - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The Utahraptor's brother is having children - it seems the time of parenthood |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have come up with an excellent way to celebrate Hallowe'en: a date auction! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Featuring: me! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And since it's Hallowe'en, the prize is NOT ONLY a date with me (T-Rex!) but it's a HELLA CREEPY date with me (T-Rex!). I'll arrive two hours early, stand perfectly still across the street, and peer into your window with binoculars. I'll ring the doorbell while pressing my eye up against the peephole. I'll ask you how your day was and whenever you use the pronoun "I" I'll suck my fingers. I will be only MODERATELY discreet about it. Happy Hallowe'en! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And people will bid on you why? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because of charity! It's all for charity, my good man! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I feel like I'd prefer to give my money to charity directly, rather than go through this whole "creepy date" thing. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, alright, then I guess I'll just end up dating someone who WANTS a hella creepy date with a stranger! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HALLOWE'EN NIGHT: [SPEAKER] STRANGER [LINE] We like it when you suck on your fingers, T-Rex. "I", "I", "I", "I", "I". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw, come on! You only bid like $20! [SPEAKER] STRANGER [LINE] So? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's just - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Never has one man sucked on his fingers so much for so little |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am a man who says "Frig" a lot, on account of how it's part of my irresistible charm. But guys, it turns out there's a Norse goddess named "Frigg"! She's Odin's wife! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Best. Life. Ever. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] See, Dromiceiomimus, I was going to say "best goddess ever," but the fact that there's a goddess Frigg has immeasurably improved MY ENTIRE LIFE. Frigg! She can SEE THE FUTURE but doesn't tell anyone what she sees, so hen someone stubs their toe they can say, "Aw, FRIGG!" and that is DEFINITELY probably where the expression comes from. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I don't believe that's the case? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's even a plant known as Frigg's grass. So awesome! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I can beat that, my friend! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] In history, there was a place in England called "Frigedun," which means "Valley of Frigg"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think I'll never be this excited again for the rest of my life. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Let us cherish this moment. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE NEXT DAY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! There's a city called "Batman" in Turkey!! I could have spent my life in BATMAN CITY becoming a master in the study of Frigg! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Reverse lightbulb jokes! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am a man who says "Frig" a lot, on account of how it's part of my irresistible charm. But guys, it turns out there's a Norse goddess named "Frigg"! She's Odin's wife! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Best. Life. Ever. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] See, Dromiceiomimus, I was going to say "best goddess ever," but the fact that there's a goddess Frigg has immeasurably improved MY ENTIRE LIFE. Frigg! She can SEE THE FUTURE but doesn't tell anyone what she sees, so hen someone stubs their toe they can say, "Aw, FRIGG!" and that is DEFINITELY probably where the expression comes from. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I don't believe that's the case? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's even a plant known as Frigg's grass. So awesome! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I can beat that, my friend! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] In history, there was a place in England called "Frigedun," which means "Valley of Frigg"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think I'll never be this excited again for the rest of my life. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Let us cherish this moment. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE NEXT DAY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! There's a city called "Batman" in Turkey!! I could have spent my life in BATMAN CITY becoming a master in the study of Frigg! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If this isn't |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what? Maybe Leibniz is right and we're all doing pretty okay. maybe this IS the best of all possible worlds! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Except for the fact that ice cream costs more than vegetables! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And except for the fact that WAY more people on the face of the planet care about the economy than they do about buying me presents. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] And except for the fact that we can't just decide to stop making mistakes. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THAT, and except for the fact that entropy is always increasing and in the end all life in the universe will be still, dead and frozen forever. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But maybe in the best of ALL possible worlds, you don't exist! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, wow. Maybe! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How depressing would it be to know you're part of the reason things aren't perfect? To look in on the best of all possible worlds and notice you're not there. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Exactly! But maybe this is the best possible world for YOU, personally. Maybe this is as close to heaven as you'll ever get! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE BEST POSSIBLE WORLD: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm SO GLAD we named it Frigday instead of "Friday"! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] We followed the Germanic roots of the goddess Frigg's name instead of the English ones! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because whenever I don't know what to say, I'll just exclaim "Sounds like |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what? Maybe Leibniz is right and we're all doing pretty okay. maybe this IS the best of all possible worlds! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Except for the fact that ice cream costs more than vegetables! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And except for the fact that WAY more people on the face of the planet care about the economy than they do about buying me presents. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] And except for the fact that we can't just decide to stop making mistakes. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THAT, and except for the fact that entropy is always increasing and in the end all life in the universe will be still, dead and frozen forever. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But maybe in the best of ALL possible worlds, you don't exist! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, wow. Maybe! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] How depressing would it be to know you're part of the reason things aren't perfect? To look in on the best of all possible worlds and notice you're not there. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Exactly! But maybe this is the best possible world for YOU, personally. Maybe this is as close to heaven as you'll ever get! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE BEST POSSIBLE WORLD: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm SO GLAD we named it Frigday instead of "Friday"! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] We followed the Germanic roots of the goddess Frigg's name instead of the English ones! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Attention, naked and sexy (yet non-exploited!) members of the attractive sex! I KNOW |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Whenever I think of the phrase "good to the last drop" I think of the friggin' Maxwell House Coffee. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't even drink coffee! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They have lexicalized the phrase AND associated it in my mind with their stupid branding! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And if someone says "can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp" NOT ONLY do I think of Sugar Crisp, I think of the jingle too! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Oh, actually, about that: they're rebranding it, T-Rex. It's now referred to as "Golden Crisp" in most major markets. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WHAT? They store a phrase in my sparkling mind and now they're abandoning it? I call FRIGGIN' SHENANIGANS on that! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So what are you going to do? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um, refer to it as "Sugar Crisp" till the day I die?? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Except THEN I'll just be reinforcing their original branding. Okay, tell you what: I can't forget the slogans but I CAN substitute their brands with something I do want to remember, like intercourse! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "Can't get enough of that intercourse"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Exactly! "Silly rabbit! Intercourse is for kids." Wow! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Excellent! It will be SUPER |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Whenever I think of the phrase "good to the last drop" I think of the friggin' Maxwell House Coffee. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't even drink coffee! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They have lexicalized the phrase AND associated it in my mind with their stupid branding! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And if someone says "can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp" NOT ONLY do I think of Sugar Crisp, I think of the jingle too! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Oh, actually, about that: they're rebranding it, T-Rex. It's now referred to as "Golden Crisp" in most major markets. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WHAT? They store a phrase in my sparkling mind and now they're abandoning it? I call FRIGGIN' SHENANIGANS on that! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So what are you going to do? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um, refer to it as "Sugar Crisp" till the day I die?? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Except THEN I'll just be reinforcing their original branding. Okay, tell you what: I can't forget the slogans but I CAN substitute their brands with something I do want to remember, like intercourse! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "Can't get enough of that intercourse"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Exactly! "Silly rabbit! Intercourse is for kids." Wow! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That idea backfired incredibly quickly! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've made the Best Conceptual Hallowe'en Costume EVER this year! Check it out: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm someone from the past! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Neat! So you're wandering around being all agog at electricity and airplanes and stuff! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No no, sorry, I should have specified: I'm from the RECENT past. Like, past three years. I'm walking around saying "Oh, wow! Check out all these incremental improvements." [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Ah. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So what's in the news three years ago? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um, lots of the - politics? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Actually, I'm someone from three years ago who also didn't follow the news. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ah. So if you're someone from three years ago, shouldn't you be dressing up for Hallowe'en? Hallowe'en 2005? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ....Yes. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am about to. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HALLOWE'EN 2011: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] HEY UTAHRAPTOR! I'M DRESSED UP AS MYSELF FROM THREE YEARS AGO! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Why are you yelling? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ah, those were the days! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've made the Best Conceptual Hallowe'en Costume EVER this year! Check it out: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm someone from the past! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Neat! So you're wandering around being all agog at electricity and airplanes and stuff! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No no, sorry, I should have specified: I'm from the RECENT past. Like, past three years. I'm walking around saying "Oh, wow! Check out all these incremental improvements." [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Ah. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So what's in the news three years ago? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um, lots of the - politics? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Actually, I'm someone from three years ago who also didn't follow the news. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ah. So if you're someone from three years ago, shouldn't you be dressing up for Hallowe'en? Hallowe'en 2005? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ....Yes. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am about to. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HALLOWE'EN 2011: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] HEY UTAHRAPTOR! I'M DRESSED UP AS MYSELF FROM THREE YEARS AGO! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Why are you yelling? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] BECAUSE I'M STILL KINDA CHEESED |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] While riding my bike yesterday and making a TOTALLY LEGAL move from the side of the road into traffic so that I could make a left-hand turn, this car dude honked at me! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So I flipped him off. It was BICYCLE ROAD RAGE! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It was insane. I never get road rage, bicycle or otherwise, and I never flip anyone off! But here I was being all that I hate! I flipped him off without even looking behind, and THEN, after I flipped him off he honked at me again, two little ones, and I flipped him off again, two little ones. Then I turned left and got away! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Are you sure he was honking at you? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am certain of it! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But how are you sure he meant anything aggressive by it? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What else could he have meant? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well most cars have one horn that only makes one tone, right? So the only paths for sentiment encoding are honk duration and count. Maybe one honk from that guy means "Hey sexy!!" and two short honks means "Wait a minute! You're not so sexy!!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Huh! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A FEW WEEKS LATER, T-REX GETS HONKED AT AGAIN: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Excuse me, everyone? You saw what just happened! What do you think that driver meant to convey? [SPEAKER] MOM [LINE] That you're a very handsome, clever and successful young man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Time to visit all my wacky friends! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] While riding my bike yesterday and making a TOTALLY LEGAL move from the side of the road into traffic so that I could make a left-hand turn, this car dude honked at me! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So I flipped him off. It was BICYCLE ROAD RAGE! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It was insane. I never get road rage, bicycle or otherwise, and I never flip anyone off! But here I was being all that I hate! I flipped him off without even looking behind, and THEN, after I flipped him off he honked at me again, two little ones, and I flipped him off again, two little ones. Then I turned left and got away! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Are you sure he was honking at you? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am certain of it! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But how are you sure he meant anything aggressive by it? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What else could he have meant? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well most cars have one horn that only makes one tone, right? So the only paths for sentiment encoding are honk duration and count. Maybe one honk from that guy means "Hey sexy!!" and two short honks means "Wait a minute! You're not so sexy!!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Huh! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A FEW WEEKS LATER, T-REX GETS HONKED AT AGAIN: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Excuse me, everyone? You saw what just happened! What do you think that driver meant to convey? [SPEAKER] MOM [LINE] That you're a very handsome, clever and successful young man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] MOM, I was asking the OTHER pedestrians |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Someone who doesn't vote is CLEARLY super chumpy. But, ON THE OTHER HAND, someone totally uninformed who votes anyway is ultra chumps too! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] An interesting conundrum! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So let's take it to extremes: if voters were SO UNINFORMED that they were effectively voting randomly, then their noise would drown out the signal of informed voters. So that's bad! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Agreed! But on the other hand, perfect knowledge of every candidate's position on every issue isn't possible. So there will always be UNDERinformed voters - it's just a matter of degree! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Agreed! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So let's just multiply everyone's vote by their informedness! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Making a less informed vote worth less? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Exactly! That way the "goodness" of a voter will directly impact how much their vote is worth! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wow. T-Rex, your system only works if we can objectively measure informedness, which isn't going to happen. Plus, replace "goodness" with "ethnicity" in your phrase and you're a super crazy racist! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT EVENING: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dear audio memoirs! Today I was racist by word substitution again. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What is love? Love is "a strong positive |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Someone who doesn't vote is CLEARLY super chumpy. But, ON THE OTHER HAND, someone totally uninformed who votes anyway is ultra chumps too! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] An interesting conundrum! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So let's take it to extremes: if voters were SO UNINFORMED that they were effectively voting randomly, then their noise would drown out the signal of informed voters. So that's bad! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Agreed! But on the other hand, perfect knowledge of every candidate's position on every issue isn't possible. So there will always be UNDERinformed voters - it's just a matter of degree! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Agreed! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So let's just multiply everyone's vote by their informedness! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Making a less informed vote worth less? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Exactly! That way the "goodness" of a voter will directly impact how much their vote is worth! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wow. T-Rex, your system only works if we can objectively measure informedness, which isn't going to happen. Plus, replace "goodness" with "ethnicity" in your phrase and you're a super crazy racist! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT EVENING: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dear audio memoirs! Today I was racist by word substitution again. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This - [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This is the hardest racism not to be. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm worried that I'm putting on weight. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm worried that I'll grow to be a fat dinosaur! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's not that I'm suddenly eating more, I think, it's that my metabolism is slowing down - so the food I eat is going straight to my trendy hips! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's why I'm vowing to get out and get exercise every day from now on! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What, by stomping on people? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's good exercise! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah, but maybe if you went to less all-you-can-eat restaurants you wouldn't need to exercise so much! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But then they'd be less of a deal! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But if I want to |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm worried that I'm putting on weight. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm worried that I'll grow to be a fat dinosaur! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's not that I'm suddenly eating more, I think, it's that my metabolism is slowing down - so the food I eat is going straight to my trendy hips! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's why I'm vowing to get out and get exercise every day from now on! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What, by stomping on people? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's good exercise! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah, but maybe if you went to less all-you-can-eat restaurants you wouldn't need to exercise so much! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But then they'd be less of a deal! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'd be wasting my money! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today I will be a patron of the ARTS. Yes. That is a classy thing to be. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Women LOVE patrons! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They love 'em! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey Dromiceiomimus, have you noticed the arts lately? I have, and as a patron, I find them to be very engaging AND artistic ... on SEVERAL levels. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Name one painting that's not the Mona Lisa, The Scream, Starry Night, the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, or the one with the dour couple holding the pitchfork. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um. The one where the woman - is ... surfing? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Should've done your research, dude! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Whatever! I can come up with painting names later! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] No, so you'd know that a "patron of the arts" doesn't just mean you go to galleries. It means you give a significant amount of money to support art and artists! It's where you put your disposable income. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? Screw that! MY DISPOSABLE INCOME IS ALL EARMARKED FOR ONE PURPOSE! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THAT PURPOSE IS TO MAKE ME HAPPIER [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THROUGH THE PURCHASE OF THINGS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THAT ONLY SERVE TO MAKE ME POORER [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In Canada, you get real winters AND real summers, and |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today I will be a patron of the ARTS. Yes. That is a classy thing to be. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Women LOVE patrons! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They love 'em! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey Dromiceiomimus, have you noticed the arts lately? I have, and as a patron, I find them to be very engaging AND artistic ... on SEVERAL levels. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Name one painting that's not the Mona Lisa, The Scream, Starry Night, the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, or the one with the dour couple holding the pitchfork. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um. The one where the woman - is ... surfing? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Should've done your research, dude! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Whatever! I can come up with painting names later! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] No, so you'd know that a "patron of the arts" doesn't just mean you go to galleries. It means you give a significant amount of money to support art and artists! It's where you put your disposable income. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? Screw that! MY DISPOSABLE INCOME IS ALL EARMARKED FOR ONE PURPOSE! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THAT PURPOSE IS TO MAKE ME HAPPIER [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THROUGH THE PURCHASE OF THINGS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THAT ONLY SERVE TO MAKE ME POORER [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'M GONNA STOP TALKING NOW AND RE-EVALUATE SOME DECISIONS OKAY |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] UTAHRAPTOR HAS GOTTEN LIFE INSURANCE! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! Because if he dies, then the money that shows up will make us say, "Perfect! This is exactly as much as I valued that guy!" [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] AND HE'S NAMED T-REX AS HIS SOLE BENEFICIARY! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WHAT?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh God, I'm DEFINITELY going to jail, and it's all Utahraptor's fault! It's his revenge for all those arguments he los! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] How is naming you as beneficiary revenge? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because when he dies, the police are going to ask "Who stands to gain?" and now there's a giant MILLION-DOLLAR ARROW pointing right to me, signed and notarized! Insurance policies are instant motive! JUST ADD DEATH! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, what if I die of old age? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Still no good, my friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Your insurance company still saves a MILLION DOLLARS if they can somehow make it look like I murdered you. They'll be there, hands cupped around the policeman's ear, whispering "Listen I am almost certain this green dude killed him and made it look like old age" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I - okay? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [[FROM OUTSIDE THE PANEL]] [LINE] It's just I got the policy free through work, and I named you as a nice gesture? It doesn't even pay a million dollars. I'm pretty sure it's capped at $200,000. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aww, sorry, I just saw one! |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] UTAHRAPTOR HAS GOTTEN LIFE INSURANCE! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! Because if he dies, then the money that shows up will make us say, "Perfect! This is exactly as much as I valued that guy!" [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] AND HE'S NAMED T-REX AS HIS SOLE BENEFICIARY! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WHAT?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh God, I'm DEFINITELY going to jail, and it's all Utahraptor's fault! It's his revenge for all those arguments he los! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] How is naming you as beneficiary revenge? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because when he dies, the police are going to ask "Who stands to gain?" and now there's a giant MILLION-DOLLAR ARROW pointing right to me, signed and notarized! Insurance policies are instant motive! JUST ADD DEATH! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, what if I die of old age? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Still no good, my friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Your insurance company still saves a MILLION DOLLARS if they can somehow make it look like I murdered you. They'll be there, hands cupped around the policeman's ear, whispering "Listen I am almost certain this green dude killed him and made it look like old age" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I - okay? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [[FROM OUTSIDE THE PANEL]] [LINE] It's just I got the policy free through work, and I named you as a nice gesture? It doesn't even pay a million dollars. I'm pretty sure it's capped at $200,000. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My fears have been reduced by |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I fear that I've lost something... something important! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Something I'll never get back again! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Something that was very special! Something that I guess part of me thought I'd always have with me! Something that I'd tried to hold on to, but lost nonetheless! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Something- [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Knock it off! It's obvious to everyone you're talking about you VIRGINITY. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? I was talking about a baby tooth. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Something inside of me. . . |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I fear that I've lost something... something important! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Something I'll never get back again! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Something that was very special! Something that I guess part of me thought I'd always have with me! Something that I'd tried to hold on to, but lost nonetheless! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Something- [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Knock it off! It's obvious to everyone you're talking about you VIRGINITY. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What? I was talking about a baby tooth. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Alright, I was talking about my |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what's freaky? Ghost ships! Ships sent sailing and found drifting weeks or months or years later, and EVERYBODY'S GONE. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Totally spooky, dudes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think what I love best about them is their aloneness: how everyone aboard was basically removing themselves from larger society, expecting to be reintegrated when they arrived "#8212; and then something went catastrophically wrong! All we can do is piece things together. Botched mutiny? Rogue wave? Everyone accidentally turning invisible AND mute AND ALSO incorporeal? If you are overly credulous then it is impossible to say for sure!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] They do have a certain romance to them that modern technology lacks, eh? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's the sea! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A boat can float along for years without crew or sails or a working engine. But if everyone disappears on an airplane it's not like we'll find it still flying around years later! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Imagine if we did, though? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FINE [SPEAKER] IMAGINARY REPORTER [LINE] Reports indicate the "ghost plane" drifted for years over Europe before being found. The plane was undamaged, but in-flight meals were only partially eaten, as if abandoned in haste. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So Paul Grice went on to clarify his cooperative principle, identifying four maxims describing how |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what's freaky? Ghost ships! Ships sent sailing and found drifting weeks or months or years later, and EVERYBODY'S GONE. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Totally spooky, dudes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think what I love best about them is their aloneness: how everyone aboard was basically removing themselves from larger society, expecting to be reintegrated when they arrived "#8212; and then something went catastrophically wrong! All we can do is piece things together. Botched mutiny? Rogue wave? Everyone accidentally turning invisible AND mute AND ALSO incorporeal? If you are overly credulous then it is impossible to say for sure!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] They do have a certain romance to them that modern technology lacks, eh? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's the sea! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A boat can float along for years without crew or sails or a working engine. But if everyone disappears on an airplane it's not like we'll find it still flying around years later! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Imagine if we did, though? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FINE [SPEAKER] IMAGINARY REPORTER [LINE] Reports indicate the "ghost plane" drifted for years over Europe before being found. The plane was undamaged, but in-flight meals were only partially eaten, as if abandoned in haste. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um, even in the heady realm of fantasy I don't see how this could happen!! |