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nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a beautiful day to be stomping on things! As a dinosaur, stomping on things is the best part of my day, indeed! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] *gasp* [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What's that, little house? You wish you were back in your own time? THAT IS TOO BAD FOR YOU [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Perhaps you too will get a stomping, little girl! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] WAIT! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Is stomping really the answer to your problem(s)? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Problem(s)? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My only problem(s) have to do with you interrupting my stomping! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] From now on, I will |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a beautiful day to be stomping on things! As a dinosaur, stomping on things is the best part of my day, indeed! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] *gasp* [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What's that, little house? You wish you were back in your own time? THAT IS TOO BAD FOR YOU [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Perhaps you too will get a stomping, little girl! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] WAIT! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Is stomping really the answer to your problem(s)? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Problem(s)? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My only problem(s) have to do with you interrupting my stomping! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] (in small text) crazy utahraptor! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have felt the harsh sting of my own racial joke turned against me! Luckily, I've been saving a joke for just such an occasion. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All of those hours of thinking up insults for hypothetical enemies has finally paid off! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So, my racist joke somehow backfired on me. [SPEAKER] DROMECIOMIMUS [LINE] I hope that's the last time you ever say that sentence. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, I've made up my own joke to get him today. All I need to do is "find that Utahraptor!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I hope the Utahraptor is around here somewhere! My legs are giving tired. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm behind you. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There you are! Knock, knock. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Who's there? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utah. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] *sigh* Utah who? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utaught me how to be a stupid jerk! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I was a very good student! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Do you even listen to yourself? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, I ate it. Problem solved! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have felt the harsh sting of my own racial joke turned against me! Luckily, I've been saving a joke for just such an occasion. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All of those hours of thinking up insults for hypothetical enemies has finally paid off! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So, my racist joke somehow backfired on me. [SPEAKER] DROMECIOMIMUS [LINE] I hope that's the last time you ever say that sentence. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, I've made up my own joke to get him today. All I need to do is "find that Utahraptor!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I hope the Utahraptor is around here somewhere! My legs are giving tired. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm behind you. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There you are! Knock, knock. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Who's there? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utah. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] *sigh* Utah who? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utaught me how to be a stupid jerk! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I was a very good student! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Do you even listen to yourself? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, but-- see, I learned it |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] FOUR YEARS AGO: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a good day I think for being remembered! My lovely visage, callipygian frame, startlingly awesome calves and charming smile will yet go down in history! And how will I be immortalized? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I will be immortalized by kicking an evil kangaroo one thousand times. Right in the bum! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And YEAH, kicking a kangaroo in the bum has PROBABLY been done before, but never one thousand times! That's the secret to immortality: pick a direction and go SO FAR OUT in it that anyone who points to you will have to say, "Here, this is as far as anyone needs to go." Then, hey presto, you're immortalized! You're the dude who kicked an evil kangaroo as often as evil kangaroos could ever need be kicked- probably more often, actually. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So you're going for recordbook immortality? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Crazy utahraptor!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm going for STUNT immortality. I'll just keep kicking that kangaroo until even if somebody wanted to catch up, they'd look at my record and say "Well, THAT'S totally not worth doing". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I guess, if that's how you want to spend your life. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] IT APPARENTLY IS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] FOUR YEARS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw shoot, I was supposed to be kicking kangaroos all this time! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] LOOKS LIKE PEOPLE WILL JUST REMEMBER YOU FOR TALKING A BIG GAME MY FRIEND [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] While you may have wanted a smooch |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] FOUR YEARS AGO: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a good day I think for being remembered! My lovely visage, callipygian frame, startlingly awesome calves and charming smile will yet go down in history! And how will I be immortalized? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I will be immortalized by kicking an evil kangaroo one thousand times. Right in the bum! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And YEAH, kicking a kangaroo in the bum has PROBABLY been done before, but never one thousand times! That's the secret to immortality: pick a direction and go SO FAR OUT in it that anyone who points to you will have to say, "Here, this is as far as anyone needs to go." Then, hey presto, you're immortalized! You're the dude who kicked an evil kangaroo as often as evil kangaroos could ever need be kicked- probably more often, actually. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So you're going for recordbook immortality? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Crazy utahraptor!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm going for STUNT immortality. I'll just keep kicking that kangaroo until even if somebody wanted to catch up, they'd look at my record and say "Well, THAT'S totally not worth doing". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I guess, if that's how you want to spend your life. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] IT APPARENTLY IS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] FOUR YEARS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw shoot, I was supposed to be kicking kangaroos all this time! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] LOOKS LIKE PEOPLE WILL JUST REMEMBER YOU FOR TALKING A BIG GAME MY FRIEND [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I will take what I can get!! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Descartes was a dude who wrote "Cogito ergo sum" which means "I think, therefore I am". PRETTY NEAT, cats and kittens! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But also...PRETTY FLAWED?? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The whole deal with "I think, therefore I am" is that Descartes is all "DAAAAAAMN, I can't be sure of ANYTHING! My senses are flawed. All I know for sure is I keep STRESSIN' about this stuff!" and then his girlfriend is all "If you're so hung up on this then you must exist, huh baby?" and Descartes is all "Yes. That is true. I will write this down in Latin." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That is how it went down. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So what's the problem, besides your unnecessary storytelling? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Descartes' girlfriend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] She's making a huge logical leap! It's indisputible that thinking is going on, right, but we don't know for sure that Descartes is doing the thinking! All we know for sure is that thinking is going on. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I agree! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] R-Really? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah! You can't have thinking in a vacuum, so SOMETHING must exist if there's thinking going on... [SPEAKER] T-REX " UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] ...but to attribute that thinking to yourself just because you're aware of it is an awful big leap for a skeptic to make! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Science is based upon hypotheses, conclusions and theories formed |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Descartes was a dude who wrote "Cogito ergo sum" which means "I think, therefore I am". PRETTY NEAT, cats and kittens! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But also...PRETTY FLAWED?? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The whole deal with "I think, therefore I am" is that Descartes is all "DAAAAAAMN, I can't be sure of ANYTHING! My senses are flawed. All I know for sure is I keep STRESSIN' about this stuff!" and then his girlfriend is all "If you're so hung up on this then you must exist, huh baby?" and Descartes is all "Yes. That is true. I will write this down in Latin." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That is how it went down. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So what's the problem, besides your unnecessary storytelling? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Descartes' girlfriend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] She's making a huge logical leap! It's indisputible that thinking is going on, right, but we don't know for sure that Descartes is doing the thinking! All we know for sure is that thinking is going on. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I agree! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] R-Really? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah! You can't have thinking in a vacuum, so SOMETHING must exist if there's thinking going on... [SPEAKER] T-REX " UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] ...but to attribute that thinking to yourself just because you're aware of it is an awful big leap for a skeptic to make! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] OH MY GOODNESS HOW DID WE JUST DO THAT |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I went to the optometrist AGAIN last night, and AGAIN she said I might need to get nerd goggles! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] (She called them "glasses" but you can tell she was thinking "nerd goggles"!) [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The PROBLEM is that I define myself in terms of not having glasses! People are always "Oh. You're lookng for T-Rex? He's the green tyrannosaurus rex over there! You'll be able to spot him because he's so not wearing glasses." [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Aw, I think you'd look cute in them! I also think you can turn this around and make glasses your thing, you know? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SHORTLY THEREAFTER . [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe Dromiceiomimus is right! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] She usually is! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I COULD get some pretty kick-ass glasses. Like glasses that say "WARNING: AWESOME DUDE" on them! OOH, or horn-rimmed 60s housewife glasses! Sweetness! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You'll have to wear them every day, so maybe you'll, um, want to see how they look before you commit? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A FEW DAYS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm here to pick up my prescription "Happy New year 2004" glasses! They have a plastic "2" on one side and a "4" on the other. [SPEAKER] OPTOMETRIST CLERK [LINE] Sir, you have made an unforgettable choice. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have just had the greatest |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I went to the optometrist AGAIN last night, and AGAIN she said I might need to get nerd goggles! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] (She called them "glasses" but you can tell she was thinking "nerd goggles"!) [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The PROBLEM is that I define myself in terms of not having glasses! People are always "Oh. You're lookng for T-Rex? He's the green tyrannosaurus rex over there! You'll be able to spot him because he's so not wearing glasses." [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Aw, I think you'd look cute in them! I also think you can turn this around and make glasses your thing, you know? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SHORTLY THEREAFTER . [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe Dromiceiomimus is right! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] She usually is! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I COULD get some pretty kick-ass glasses. Like glasses that say "WARNING: AWESOME DUDE" on them! OOH, or horn-rimmed 60s housewife glasses! Sweetness! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You'll have to wear them every day, so maybe you'll, um, want to see how they look before you commit? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A FEW DAYS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm here to pick up my prescription "Happy New year 2004" glasses! They have a plastic "2" on one side and a "4" on the other. [SPEAKER] OPTOMETRIST CLERK [LINE] Sir, you have made an unforgettable choice. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I like you too, optometrist clerk! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Here is a list of adjectives I would like to have chosen when describing me! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] 1) "Sated"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Second on the list: "alluring"! followed closely by "stompin'"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Fourth: "Callipygian", pronounced "kal-lip-pee-je-en" - adj: "having beautifully proportioned buttocks! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] i.e.: Me [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] 5) "Magnanimous", which is- [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wait, aren't you missing one? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Which? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "Onanistic"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Don't try to change me, |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Here is a list of adjectives I would like to have chosen when describing me! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] 1) "Sated"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Second on the list: "alluring"! followed closely by "stompin'"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Fourth: "Callipygian", pronounced "kal-lip-pee-je-en" - adj: "having beautifully proportioned buttocks! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] i.e.: Me [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] 5) "Magnanimous", which is- [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wait, aren't you missing one? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Which? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "Onanistic"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know what that means!! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX IS A PROFESSIONAL SINGER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Rock star! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ROCK STAR [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm a totally cool rock star! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's still awesome, right? It seems that 10 years ago people were more into rock stars and being rock stars than they are now. But I am a rock star and it is my job to sing rock songs on stage and in CD players!! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Do your other rock star friends talk like that? Do they reference themselves as "cool rock star[s]"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sometimes we do, Dromiceiomimus. BETWEEN ROCK SONGS, THAT IS!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, how come we never get to meet your rock star friends? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well - um... [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Are you ASHAMED of us, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No! They're just different people! You wouldn't get along. They like rocking and you - [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I like rocking! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But in DIFFERENT WAYS. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, I've got to go practice rocking out now, but can we talk about this tonight? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [OFFSCREEN] [LINE] No! You're being a jerk! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! I'm super late for rocking out practice, okay? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't think so, man! I think it's a |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX IS A PROFESSIONAL SINGER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Rock star! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ROCK STAR [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm a totally cool rock star! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's still awesome, right? It seems that 10 years ago people were more into rock stars and being rock stars than they are now. But I am a rock star and it is my job to sing rock songs on stage and in CD players!! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Do your other rock star friends talk like that? Do they reference themselves as "cool rock star[s]"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sometimes we do, Dromiceiomimus. BETWEEN ROCK SONGS, THAT IS!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, how come we never get to meet your rock star friends? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well - um... [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Are you ASHAMED of us, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No! They're just different people! You wouldn't get along. They like rocking and you - [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I like rocking! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But in DIFFERENT WAYS. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, I've got to go practice rocking out now, but can we talk about this tonight? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [OFFSCREEN] [LINE] No! You're being a jerk! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! I'm super late for rocking out practice, okay? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm gonna need you to respect the rock, okay? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX AS AN OLD MAN COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guys, I'm still the same T-Rex I always was! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm even pretty well preserved: check it out, Dromiceiomimus! Barely any wrinkles! [SPEAKER] DOMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] That's nice, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also I've got my trademark "nice calves" and "young smile". I'm so old! AND YET, I'm so sexy! [SPEAKER] UTHARAPTOR [LINE] Hey, you know what's rad? Old dudes not talking about how sexy they are. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm young at heart! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I just don't want to be one of those guys who let's being old be - all they do, you know? Being old is at best incidental to what I do, and what I do is BE TOTALLY RAD. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And totally self aggrandizing. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And that! In between radness! My point is: I'm not old. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BUT SECRETELY, WHEN T-REX IS HOME ALONE: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I mean, YES it is, but what if the one guy KNEW what everyone should be doing? What |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX AS AN OLD MAN COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guys, I'm still the same T-Rex I always was! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm even pretty well preserved: check it out, Dromiceiomimus! Barely any wrinkles! [SPEAKER] DOMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] That's nice, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also I've got my trademark "nice calves" and "young smile". I'm so old! AND YET, I'm so sexy! [SPEAKER] UTHARAPTOR [LINE] Hey, you know what's rad? Old dudes not talking about how sexy they are. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm young at heart! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I just don't want to be one of those guys who let's being old be - all they do, you know? Being old is at best incidental to what I do, and what I do is BE TOTALLY RAD. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And totally self aggrandizing. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And that! In between radness! My point is: I'm not old. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BUT SECRETELY, WHEN T-REX IS HOME ALONE: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Gosh darn it! If these rappers spoke more slowly, we'd ALL be able to understand what they're saying. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Chekhov's gun is when you have something conspicuously introduced early on in the story, but which doesn't become important until later on! It happens whenever Shakespeare loudly mentions how he loves Pop Tarts, and later he eats a bunch of Pop Tarts! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] today's technique: CHEKHOV'S GUN [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It comes from this playwright Chekhov, who said that if you have a gun on the stage in the first act of a play, it had better be fired by the third! It's been used to sustain interest since forever: James Bond often gets a bunch of gadgets at the beginning of his movie which he'll use later on, and even Perseus got gadgets from the GODS to kill Medusa with! It's the same idea, only Bond's better because he has more explosions. Looks like you lose, Perseus!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So if you have Bond getting gadgets that he doesn't use, that's not Chekhov's Gun? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's just FRUSTRATED EXPECTATIONS. Honestly, why give James Bond a gun that shoots piranhas if he's never going to fire it? People truly want to see that in action. Also: guns that shoot chainsaws. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'd like to see your Bond movie. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I WOULD TOO, darn it. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Shakespeare, which is better: a gun that shoots chainsaws, or a gun that shoots EVEN BIGGER GUNS? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Shakespeare? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Let us assume that everyone alive today has two biological parents, a |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Chekhov's gun is when you have something conspicuously introduced early on in the story, but which doesn't become important until later on! It happens whenever Shakespeare loudly mentions how he loves Pop Tarts, and later he eats a bunch of Pop Tarts! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] today's technique: CHEKHOV'S GUN [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It comes from this playwright Chekhov, who said that if you have a gun on the stage in the first act of a play, it had better be fired by the third! It's been used to sustain interest since forever: James Bond often gets a bunch of gadgets at the beginning of his movie which he'll use later on, and even Perseus got gadgets from the GODS to kill Medusa with! It's the same idea, only Bond's better because he has more explosions. Looks like you lose, Perseus!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So if you have Bond getting gadgets that he doesn't use, that's not Chekhov's Gun? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's just FRUSTRATED EXPECTATIONS. Honestly, why give James Bond a gun that shoots piranhas if he's never going to fire it? People truly want to see that in action. Also: guns that shoot chainsaws. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'd like to see your Bond movie. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I WOULD TOO, darn it. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN TUDOR ENGLAND! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Shakespeare, which is better: a gun that shoots chainsaws, or a gun that shoots EVEN BIGGER GUNS? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Shakespeare? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw, come on! There's strawberry frosting all over "As You Like It"! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am not a dude who loves big companies. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...Sometimes I like their products? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But I don't feel chummy with Microsoft, or that Sony is going to come over, eat pizza with me, and talk about the women he likes! No. Sony is going to come over, ruffle through my CD collection, then call the cops on his cell phone. Sony is going to write swears on my bathroom mirror with lipstick and blame it on Nestl?. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] SONY is going to be stone cold sober the entire time. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But let me guess: there's one big company you really like? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There is indeed!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] NINTENDO. I guess they got me when I was young an uncritical, but I really LIKE them, you know? When they do well, I seriously think, "Aw, that's nice. Good for them!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] When multinationals do well, I usually feel like that's bad news for me. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Me too! But not with Nintendo! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what would go down if Nintendo came over? I'd sat "Oh hello, Nintendo! It's so nice to see you again!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Aw shucks! I guess it IS true that you're never too old to hug, Nintendo!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dear card recipient, the sender had a good time last night, even though |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am not a dude who loves big companies. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...Sometimes I like their products? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But I don't feel chummy with Microsoft, or that Sony is going to come over, eat pizza with me, and talk about the women he likes! No. Sony is going to come over, ruffle through my CD collection, then call the cops on his cell phone. Sony is going to write swears on my bathroom mirror with lipstick and blame it on Nestl?. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] SONY is going to be stone cold sober the entire time. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But let me guess: there's one big company you really like? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There is indeed!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] NINTENDO. I guess they got me when I was young an uncritical, but I really LIKE them, you know? When they do well, I seriously think, "Aw, that's nice. Good for them!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] When multinationals do well, I usually feel like that's bad news for me. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Me too! But not with Nintendo! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what would go down if Nintendo came over? I'd sat "Oh hello, Nintendo! It's so nice to see you again!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Aw shucks! I guess it IS true that you're never too old to hug, Nintendo!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Nintendo, I just... I JUST WISH I HAD A SISTER YOU COULD MARRY." |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] the dinosaur comic players answer: WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU HAD THREE WISHES [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wow, three wishes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nothing wrong with that! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I think I would wish that everyone would be happy forever [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But you know how wishes are, Dromiceiomimus - they always end up with IRONIC and UNEXPECTEDLY NEGATIVE consequences. It's the nature of the beast! We'd probably end up mindless but technically "happy". [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I'd use my other two wishes as damage control, T-Rex [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What would you do with your wishes? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think I'd hold off on them. I'd like to go through life with the special knowledge that worse comes to worst, I could always wish for a problem to be solved. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wow, that's an unexpectedly mature response. I figured you'd wish for "happy women with steaks" or something! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw MAN! Best wish ever? [SPEAKER] WOMEN [LINE] t-rex, these steaks are starting to make us sad [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "T-Rex," she said |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] the dinosaur comic players answer: WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU HAD THREE WISHES [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wow, three wishes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nothing wrong with that! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I think I would wish that everyone would be happy forever [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But you know how wishes are, Dromiceiomimus - they always end up with IRONIC and UNEXPECTEDLY NEGATIVE consequences. It's the nature of the beast! We'd probably end up mindless but technically "happy". [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I'd use my other two wishes as damage control, T-Rex [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What would you do with your wishes? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think I'd hold off on them. I'd like to go through life with the special knowledge that worse comes to worst, I could always wish for a problem to be solved. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wow, that's an unexpectedly mature response. I figured you'd wish for "happy women with steaks" or something! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw MAN! Best wish ever? [SPEAKER] WOMEN [LINE] t-rex, these steaks are starting to make us sad [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not allowed, ladies!! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MODERN STENOGRAPHY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guys stenography is so awesome! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I AM NOT EVEN JOKING. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is the technology (and art!) of concealing messages from people. With stenography you can pass around SECRET MESSAGES, and nobody except for you and the target will even know the message is there! FOR EXAMPLE: digital photography! Pictures use bytes to represent colour data, right? So all you do is use the least significant bit of each byte as your payload, and tada! Instant hidden information in any old image! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But that alters the image, dear friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] TRUE. But only a little! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Colours change to just a slightly different shade of the same colour. The naked eye won't see anything, and it'll really only be detected if you've got the original image to compare with! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's too bad we don't have any secret messages to send. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes... TOO BAD INDEED. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR ARE SUPERSPIES: [SPEAKER] SIR [LINE] It says here that you and Agent U just surprise each other with stenographic images of swear words all day long. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sir! I don't understand!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guess who kissed two |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MODERN STENOGRAPHY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guys stenography is so awesome! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I AM NOT EVEN JOKING. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is the technology (and art!) of concealing messages from people. With stenography you can pass around SECRET MESSAGES, and nobody except for you and the target will even know the message is there! FOR EXAMPLE: digital photography! Pictures use bytes to represent colour data, right? So all you do is use the least significant bit of each byte as your payload, and tada! Instant hidden information in any old image! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But that alters the image, dear friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] TRUE. But only a little! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Colours change to just a slightly different shade of the same colour. The naked eye won't see anything, and it'll really only be detected if you've got the original image to compare with! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's too bad we don't have any secret messages to send. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes... TOO BAD INDEED. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX AND UTAHRAPTOR ARE SUPERSPIES: [SPEAKER] SIR [LINE] It says here that you and Agent U just surprise each other with stenographic images of swear words all day long. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sir! I don't understand!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is extremely hilarious! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When I had my first crush on a girl, I believed that everyone else was CRAZY for not liking her. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's true! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] She was so clearly this perfect, amazing woman, and I was honestly so confused by the fact that she wasn't swarmed with suitors, that I tried to examine her critically, looking for flaws that I hadn't seen before. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Did you find any? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! What I didn't realize was that people have different tastes. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] She may be the perfect woman for me, but that doesn't mean she's perfect for everyone! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So what happened? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh well... I was shy. I didn't say anything to her, and then one time I gave her some fries at lunch. That's - that was pretty much the sum of our relationship. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Aww! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] In some ways it's naive for you to think that everyone would like this woman, but in another way it's really romantic, you know? You thought she was, objectively, the best girl ever. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I love being bad - I mean I love being good! Because "bad" is "good" |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When I had my first crush on a girl, I believed that everyone else was CRAZY for not liking her. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's true! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] She was so clearly this perfect, amazing woman, and I was honestly so confused by the fact that she wasn't swarmed with suitors, that I tried to examine her critically, looking for flaws that I hadn't seen before. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Did you find any? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nope! What I didn't realize was that people have different tastes. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] She may be the perfect woman for me, but that doesn't mean she's perfect for everyone! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So what happened? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh well... I was shy. I didn't say anything to her, and then one time I gave her some fries at lunch. That's - that was pretty much the sum of our relationship. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Aww! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] In some ways it's naive for you to think that everyone would like this woman, but in another way it's really romantic, you know? You thought she was, objectively, the best girl ever. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I wrote Star Trek fan fiction in which we saved the Enterprise and got married! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My stars, am I ever enamoured with sign language. You can speak with your hands! That's amazing! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] I LOVE SIGN LANGUAGE TOO [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well! Then it's settled! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think the coolest thing about ASL, which is the sign language I know, is how you can place nouns in space. If I'm telling a story about my angry dog and my very sassy friend, I can make the sign for "dog" to my left, and "friend" to my right, and then when I want to apply adjectives to them, I just sign "angry" or "sassy" in the same physical space as the nouns! You can have nouns FLOATING AROUND YOU in conversation. How is that not the best thing EVER? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also, many of the signs are really evocative, so they're easy to remember! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Like what? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Like - the sign for elbow is just pointing to your elbow, and the sign for child is patting the head of an imaginary child. For children you pat several heads! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Neat! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Stupid Science, thinking it has all the answers to all the questions! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My stars, am I ever enamoured with sign language. You can speak with your hands! That's amazing! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] I LOVE SIGN LANGUAGE TOO [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well! Then it's settled! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think the coolest thing about ASL, which is the sign language I know, is how you can place nouns in space. If I'm telling a story about my angry dog and my very sassy friend, I can make the sign for "dog" to my left, and "friend" to my right, and then when I want to apply adjectives to them, I just sign "angry" or "sassy" in the same physical space as the nouns! You can have nouns FLOATING AROUND YOU in conversation. How is that not the best thing EVER? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also, many of the signs are really evocative, so they're easy to remember! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Like what? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Like - the sign for elbow is just pointing to your elbow, and the sign for child is patting the head of an imaginary child. For children you pat several heads! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Neat! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um - I have nothing bad to say about sign language, the |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Still just ask him about science stuff though, okay? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay! Today's letter comes from Pete. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pete writes, "Dear Professor Science, we never got to hear your answer yesterday. Is the moon slowing down the Earth? Best regards, Pete. P.S.: T-Rex is a bad delivery person for mail." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Peter: unkind. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's all I'll say about THAT. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway, yes, due to tidal acceleration, the moon IS slowing down the Earth! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Indeed! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The moon's gravity pulls the oceans towards itself, causing tides. But the Earth is rotating relatively fast, dragging against this water, which, hey presto, slows down its rotation! Days get about 1.7 ms longer every century. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We don't need Professor Science at all anymore! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You hear that, Professor? We don't need you at all anymore! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I would tell you it's been a |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ASK PROFESSOR SCIENCE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Still just ask him about science stuff though, okay? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay! Today's letter comes from Pete. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pete writes, "Dear Professor Science, we never got to hear your answer yesterday. Is the moon slowing down the Earth? Best regards, Pete. P.S.: T-Rex is a bad delivery person for mail." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Peter: unkind. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's all I'll say about THAT. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway, yes, due to tidal acceleration, the moon IS slowing down the Earth! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Indeed! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The moon's gravity pulls the oceans towards itself, causing tides. But the Earth is rotating relatively fast, dragging against this water, which, hey presto, slows down its rotation! Days get about 1.7 ms longer every century. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We don't need Professor Science at all anymore! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You hear that, Professor? We don't need you at all anymore! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've sort of been reading your mail! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When I was a child I used to imagine I had just teleported into my own body from an earlier time. Or I'd pretend that I'd suddenly lost several years of my memories. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The two are functionally equivalent? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And the game was, by walking around and trying to act normal, I had to figure out what was going on. It was the sort of game where you'd notice trees that had been cut down, touch your arm and mutter, "When did I start wearing a watch?", and then talk to your mom and try to fake your way through a conversation about school without knowing years of history. It was fun! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Aww! You must have been such a cute kid! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So why'd you stop? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Huh? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Why'd you stop? I bet this game would be even more fun as an adult, since way more things have changed since you were a kid. In fact, I might play it myself! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] God, where the heck are my socks?! I can't |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When I was a child I used to imagine I had just teleported into my own body from an earlier time. Or I'd pretend that I'd suddenly lost several years of my memories. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The two are functionally equivalent? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And the game was, by walking around and trying to act normal, I had to figure out what was going on. It was the sort of game where you'd notice trees that had been cut down, touch your arm and mutter, "When did I start wearing a watch?", and then talk to your mom and try to fake your way through a conversation about school without knowing years of history. It was fun! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Aww! You must have been such a cute kid! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So why'd you stop? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Huh? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Why'd you stop? I bet this game would be even more fun as an adult, since way more things have changed since you were a kid. In fact, I might play it myself! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I could call up old girl-friends and act familiar! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] RICHARD DAWKINS [LINE] We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die, [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man. What the heck am I gonna eat for dinner? [SPEAKER] RICHARD DAWKINS [LINE] because they are never going to be born. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe... chicken? [SPEAKER] RICHARD DAWKINS [LINE] The number of people who could be here, in my place, outnumber the sand grains of Sahara. If you think about all the different ways in which our genes could be permuted, you and I are quite grotesquely lucky to be here. The number of events that had to happen in order for you to exist, in order for me to exist... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I like chicken. I could bread it, or I could roast it. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe I could put a lemon inside. [SPEAKER] RICHARD DAWKINS [LINE] we are privileged to be alive [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I propose a pork roast! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also delicious! [SPEAKER] RICHARD DAWKINS [LINE] and we should make the most of our time on this world - Richard Dawkins [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm just not feeling that motivated, you know? Maybe I'll just get a fast food burger. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think you should cook. It's healthier! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Says you! If a woman was walking around |
real | [SPEAKER] RICHARD DAWKINS [LINE] We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die, [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man. What the heck am I gonna eat for dinner? [SPEAKER] RICHARD DAWKINS [LINE] because they are never going to be born. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe... chicken? [SPEAKER] RICHARD DAWKINS [LINE] The number of people who could be here, in my place, outnumber the sand grains of Sahara. If you think about all the different ways in which our genes could be permuted, you and I are quite grotesquely lucky to be here. The number of events that had to happen in order for you to exist, in order for me to exist... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I like chicken. I could bread it, or I could roast it. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe I could put a lemon inside. [SPEAKER] RICHARD DAWKINS [LINE] we are privileged to be alive [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I propose a pork roast! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also delicious! [SPEAKER] RICHARD DAWKINS [LINE] and we should make the most of our time on this world - Richard Dawkins [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm just not feeling that motivated, you know? Maybe I'll just get a fast food burger. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I think you should cook. It's healthier! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'll probably just eat a chicken for dinner. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] today's adventure: THE HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Woo-hoo! Let's have an adventure!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] It is trillions and trillions of years in the future. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] AWESOME! Turn to panel 3! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] The second law of thermodynamics has reached its ultimate expression, and all energy is evenly spread across the Universe. How did this happen? Stellar formation peters out and the remaining stars use up their hydrogen fuel, burning out. The universe darkens. Trillions of years pass, and practically all remaining matter has been sucked into black holes. Some hold the remains of entire galaxies. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] This is depressing. Turn to panel 4. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe there's still hope though! Turn to panel 4. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] There is no hope at all. Soon even the supermassive black holes evaporate. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And this generates new energy for life? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Turn to panel 5. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] While they evaporate, black holes release only small bits of energy, mainly photons, which populate a near-empty space. All that remains of Creation is a low level of background radiation and a few subatomic particles, scattered across a frozen, silent, and lifeless Universe. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] TO TURN BACK TIME AND LIVE AGAIN WITH YOUR SWEETIE, TURN TO PANEL 6. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What? No! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah hah! Looks like YOU undid the heat death of the universe, and everyone lived happily ever after! [SPEAKER] PERSON OFF-PANEL [LINE] Everyone is dead. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Who can forget the events of July 30, 2215? |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] today's adventure: THE HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Woo-hoo! Let's have an adventure!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] It is trillions and trillions of years in the future. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] AWESOME! Turn to panel 3! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] The second law of thermodynamics has reached its ultimate expression, and all energy is evenly spread across the Universe. How did this happen? Stellar formation peters out and the remaining stars use up their hydrogen fuel, burning out. The universe darkens. Trillions of years pass, and practically all remaining matter has been sucked into black holes. Some hold the remains of entire galaxies. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] This is depressing. Turn to panel 4. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe there's still hope though! Turn to panel 4. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] There is no hope at all. Soon even the supermassive black holes evaporate. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And this generates new energy for life? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Turn to panel 5. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] While they evaporate, black holes release only small bits of energy, mainly photons, which populate a near-empty space. All that remains of Creation is a low level of background radiation and a few subatomic particles, scattered across a frozen, silent, and lifeless Universe. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] TO TURN BACK TIME AND LIVE AGAIN WITH YOUR SWEETIE, TURN TO PANEL 6. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What? No! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah hah! Looks like YOU undid the heat death of the universe, and everyone lived happily ever after! [SPEAKER] PERSON OFF-PANEL [LINE] Everyone is dead. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] {{ thought bubble }} WHO THE HECK SAID THAT?! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have writen my own "Choose your own adventure" story! It is less depressing than the other one. I can it "HOW THE UNIVERSE ENDS, a story starring YOU! But it was written by me, T-Rex". [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HOW THE UNIVERSE ENDS. HOW THE UNIVERSE ENDS, a story starring YOU! But it was written by me, T-Rex [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] So IT TURNS OUT the shape of our universe has a large effect on how it will age! If our universe is shaped like a sphere, then gravity could eventually cause it to contract, leading to a "big crunch" in which everything is compressed into a single point! Crazy! What's CRAZIER is that this could lead to another big bang, giving us a cyclical universe. Here's a picture of me and Dromiceiomimus. We look happy. Look, I'm going to draw some word bubbles. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] weiners [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] hah hah!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] So if you agree the universe is a sphere, skip a page! If you think it's another shape, keep reading. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] weiners [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's Still Funny! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Okay, so what shape is the universe then?? If your answer is "I dunno, an ice cream cone or something" then stop reading. You have lost this adventure! Your score is minus ten. If your answer is "I dunoo, how about SADDLE SHAPED??" the you already know about this stuff, so stop reading. Your score is three points. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] i like to party [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hooray! You agree with the sphere shape and so have won this adventure. By glossing over the inconvenient details, we have shown that the universe will last forever in an infinite series of expansion and contraction! That means that YOU get one hundred points. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ladies! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] CHAPTER 3: At The Bar.There are sometimes |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have writen my own "Choose your own adventure" story! It is less depressing than the other one. I can it "HOW THE UNIVERSE ENDS, a story starring YOU! But it was written by me, T-Rex". [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HOW THE UNIVERSE ENDS. HOW THE UNIVERSE ENDS, a story starring YOU! But it was written by me, T-Rex [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] So IT TURNS OUT the shape of our universe has a large effect on how it will age! If our universe is shaped like a sphere, then gravity could eventually cause it to contract, leading to a "big crunch" in which everything is compressed into a single point! Crazy! What's CRAZIER is that this could lead to another big bang, giving us a cyclical universe. Here's a picture of me and Dromiceiomimus. We look happy. Look, I'm going to draw some word bubbles. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] weiners [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] hah hah!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] So if you agree the universe is a sphere, skip a page! If you think it's another shape, keep reading. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] weiners [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's Still Funny! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] Okay, so what shape is the universe then?? If your answer is "I dunno, an ice cream cone or something" then stop reading. You have lost this adventure! Your score is minus ten. If your answer is "I dunoo, how about SADDLE SHAPED??" the you already know about this stuff, so stop reading. Your score is three points. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] i like to party [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hooray! You agree with the sphere shape and so have won this adventure. By glossing over the inconvenient details, we have shown that the universe will last forever in an infinite series of expansion and contraction! That means that YOU get one hundred points. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ladies! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] i have interests beyond laughing at weiners |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] SOME people are used to counting in base 10, where they've got 10 digits (0 through 9). In this system, the number 24 means twenty-four things! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But this is not the only way. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] 24 in base 10 ACTUALLY means "two tens and four ones", which adds up to twenty-four. But if we were counting in base 5, for instance - where the only numbers we have are from 0 to 4 - then 24 would mean "two FIVES and four ones" - in other words, fourteen! We call base 10 "base 10" because every number in it can be multiplied by 10 by adding a zero to the end. In base 5, added zeros multiply by 5! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And there's bases that go higher, too! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You're right. You can use any base. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In base 16, "24" would mean "2 sixteens and four ones", or 36! And we can use letters (A-F) to represent the digits ten to fifteen, like "3A", which means 58! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All this and more is possible with alternative base systems! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't think about video games as much as you do! Okay? |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] SOME people are used to counting in base 10, where they've got 10 digits (0 through 9). In this system, the number 24 means twenty-four things! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But this is not the only way. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] 24 in base 10 ACTUALLY means "two tens and four ones", which adds up to twenty-four. But if we were counting in base 5, for instance - where the only numbers we have are from 0 to 4 - then 24 would mean "two FIVES and four ones" - in other words, fourteen! We call base 10 "base 10" because every number in it can be multiplied by 10 by adding a zero to the end. In base 5, added zeros multiply by 5! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And there's bases that go higher, too! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You're right. You can use any base. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In base 16, "24" would mean "2 sixteens and four ones", or 36! And we can use letters (A-F) to represent the digits ten to fifteen, like "3A", which means 58! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All this and more is possible with alternative base systems! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I STILL REALLY WISH DROMICEIOMIMUS HAD BROUGHT ME BACK SOMETHING FROM AUSTRALASIA |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This is crazy. I shouldn't be this bothered by something so small. We're adults! Dromiceiomimus doesn't have to bring me back anything! She never did in the past. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why is this bothering me so much? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, I wanted to talk to you because I'm - um, I'm a little upset that you didn't bring me back anything from Australasia. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know, it's dumb! But I keep thinking about it and I though you should know. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Well... what do you want me to do about it, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] MAN, that is the LAST TIME I ever talk about feelings! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What happened? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I was disappointed that Dromiceiomimus didn't get me anything from her trip, and that feeling had been lingering. OKAY. But, instead of IGNORING my feelings like i always do, BURYING them, GIVING THEM A CLASSY FUNERAL, I talked to her and now she probably thinks I'm crazy! ARGH! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well... [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And her THIRD balloon says "Also we replaced hate... with SNUGGLES." |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This is crazy. I shouldn't be this bothered by something so small. We're adults! Dromiceiomimus doesn't have to bring me back anything! She never did in the past. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why is this bothering me so much? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, I wanted to talk to you because I'm - um, I'm a little upset that you didn't bring me back anything from Australasia. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know, it's dumb! But I keep thinking about it and I though you should know. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Well... what do you want me to do about it, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] MAN, that is the LAST TIME I ever talk about feelings! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What happened? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I was disappointed that Dromiceiomimus didn't get me anything from her trip, and that feeling had been lingering. OKAY. But, instead of IGNORING my feelings like i always do, BURYING them, GIVING THEM A CLASSY FUNERAL, I talked to her and now she probably thinks I'm crazy! ARGH! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well... [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what? Maybe I WILL take Utahraptor's extremely good advice |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Could it be? Could it be true that the Dromiceiomimus has a crush on me? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] One way to find out! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, hey, D.! I was just stomping around here, you know, "stomping the old houses!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What are you up to? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Hi, T-Rex. What's gotten into you? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ha ha, nothing of course! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So! Excuse me, please! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Holy cow... what a disaster! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What was?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um... look, you can't tell ANYONE, but I think the Dromiceiomimus has a crush on me. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The Dromiceiomimus? No way! I thought she broke it off with you, like, three years ago! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] She did! But you don't understand! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A sandwich... made out of |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Could it be? Could it be true that the Dromiceiomimus has a crush on me? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] One way to find out! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, hey, D.! I was just stomping around here, you know, "stomping the old houses!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What are you up to? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Hi, T-Rex. What's gotten into you? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ha ha, nothing of course! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So! Excuse me, please! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Holy cow... what a disaster! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What was?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um... look, you can't tell ANYONE, but I think the Dromiceiomimus has a crush on me. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The Dromiceiomimus? No way! I thought she broke it off with you, like, three years ago! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] She did! But you don't understand! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] She called me "lovely" yesterday! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If we all disappeared tomorrow, what would the world be like? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Short answer: PRETTY AWESOME! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Awesome in the "oh MAN do I love disaster movies where everybody dies" sort of way. You can pretty much imagine it yourself! Within a few hours or days, the power goes off and a few nuclear power plants fail, which could be Problems. And then it's just decay! Concrete cracks, buildings collapse, and nature reasserts itself. Streets and buildings become grassland and hills. Also, all canvas and paper decays and is eaten by tiny bugs. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So much for the timelessness of art, HUH ARTISTS?? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Not at all! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Things like bronze statues and plastic figurines would probably survive for millions of years, especially if they were buried or underwater. Unless... you don't consider statuary to be art? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know I don't! You know I'm gonna be so sarcastic to the next statue I see. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My new book |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If we all disappeared tomorrow, what would the world be like? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Short answer: PRETTY AWESOME! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Awesome in the "oh MAN do I love disaster movies where everybody dies" sort of way. You can pretty much imagine it yourself! Within a few hours or days, the power goes off and a few nuclear power plants fail, which could be Problems. And then it's just decay! Concrete cracks, buildings collapse, and nature reasserts itself. Streets and buildings become grassland and hills. Also, all canvas and paper decays and is eaten by tiny bugs. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So much for the timelessness of art, HUH ARTISTS?? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Not at all! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Things like bronze statues and plastic figurines would probably survive for millions of years, especially if they were buried or underwater. Unless... you don't consider statuary to be art? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know I don't! You know I'm gonna be so sarcastic to the next statue I see. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nice "horse", statue!! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's always struck me as weird that genres developed when they did. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why weren't people rapping until ony a few decades ago? Did people in olden times just not like to hip to the hop, and then not stop? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Was rapping to the beat and trying to get you to move your feet not considered... viable? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's the same thing with any genre and medium, really! How come nobody thought of science fiction until Verne wrote "Forsooth, diary! To-day I am going to invente scientifical fictionne!"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I want to listen to Mozart's Piano Sonata No. 11 in A Major, K. 331, and I want a long dead man announcing yes yes to y'all over it. Why does history stymie me and my awesome wishes? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You want to hear music from before the invention of recorded sound! Nice. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But you get the idea! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But T-Rex, there's a huge number of societal and cultural factors to consider. For example, people SANG over music, and it's not that big a step from rap. I'm sure there where people experimenting in that direction throughout history, and it just didn't catch on for a variety of reasons. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE PAST: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Alright, this is blues riff in B. Watch me for the changes, an uh, try to keep up. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "I said a hip, hop, the hippie, the hippie to the hip hip hop, and you don't stop!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Finally, there is social liberalism and national pride, but not one that is predicated |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's always struck me as weird that genres developed when they did. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why weren't people rapping until ony a few decades ago? Did people in olden times just not like to hip to the hop, and then not stop? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Was rapping to the beat and trying to get you to move your feet not considered... viable? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's the same thing with any genre and medium, really! How come nobody thought of science fiction until Verne wrote "Forsooth, diary! To-day I am going to invente scientifical fictionne!"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I want to listen to Mozart's Piano Sonata No. 11 in A Major, K. 331, and I want a long dead man announcing yes yes to y'all over it. Why does history stymie me and my awesome wishes? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You want to hear music from before the invention of recorded sound! Nice. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But you get the idea! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But T-Rex, there's a huge number of societal and cultural factors to consider. For example, people SANG over music, and it's not that big a step from rap. I'm sure there where people experimenting in that direction throughout history, and it just didn't catch on for a variety of reasons. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE PAST: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Alright, this is blues riff in B. Watch me for the changes, an uh, try to keep up. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "I said a hip, hop, the hippie, the hippie to the hip hip hop, and you don't stop!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Mozart! I SAID to watch me for the changes and try to keep up! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think it is time YET AGAIN to have a manliness competition! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For reals this time! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm so manly that whenever I sneeze I accidentally rip open my shirt, because all my muscles flex at once! Sometimes I rip open my SKIN. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] That's gross and you should wear bigger shirts. I'm so manly that when I glance at pregnant women they become pregnant with MY child instead. My line of sight is SO MANLY that it impregnates already pregnant women. Just in case that wasn't clear. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Man, Chuck Norris did it already! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Who? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Chuck Norris! You can't tell me that you've been oblivious to the whole "Check never cries because he's THAT MANLY" thing. I KNOW you were on the internet 6 months ago. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But I've been having manliness competitions for years! I'm so manly that I punched a car up a hill and then it went all the way up the hill!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] George Mallory and Andrew Irvine were |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think it is time YET AGAIN to have a manliness competition! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For reals this time! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm so manly that whenever I sneeze I accidentally rip open my shirt, because all my muscles flex at once! Sometimes I rip open my SKIN. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] That's gross and you should wear bigger shirts. I'm so manly that when I glance at pregnant women they become pregnant with MY child instead. My line of sight is SO MANLY that it impregnates already pregnant women. Just in case that wasn't clear. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Man, Chuck Norris did it already! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Who? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Chuck Norris! You can't tell me that you've been oblivious to the whole "Check never cries because he's THAT MANLY" thing. I KNOW you were on the internet 6 months ago. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But I've been having manliness competitions for years! I'm so manly that I punched a car up a hill and then it went all the way up the hill!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It Was On The Local News. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX (THOUGHT BUBBLE) [LINE] Okay, so it turns out that you're a guy with a sucky turn-on. This is bad, T-Rex. You need to fix this. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I need to fix this. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX AND HIS SUCKY FETISH [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But I've always maintained that you can't just decide to change your sexual orientation! How can I then go ahead and try to change what turns me on? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] You want to change your sexual orientation, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus! I'm turned on by scrambled eggs spontaneously climbing back into the shell! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] More so than usual!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I have hope for you, my friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You do? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah! You were down because you've got this impossible fetish, but it turns out the second law of thermodynamics is one of the few STATISTICAL laws of physics - which means it's not actually impossible for an egg to randomly descramble itself for a while! It's just FANTASTICALLY unlikely. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! I have an important announcement to make! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well - after being small and irresponsibly eating a lot, yeah. |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX (THOUGHT BUBBLE) [LINE] Okay, so it turns out that you're a guy with a sucky turn-on. This is bad, T-Rex. You need to fix this. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I need to fix this. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX AND HIS SUCKY FETISH [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But I've always maintained that you can't just decide to change your sexual orientation! How can I then go ahead and try to change what turns me on? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] You want to change your sexual orientation, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus! I'm turned on by scrambled eggs spontaneously climbing back into the shell! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] More so than usual!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I have hope for you, my friend! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You do? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah! You were down because you've got this impossible fetish, but it turns out the second law of thermodynamics is one of the few STATISTICAL laws of physics - which means it's not actually impossible for an egg to randomly descramble itself for a while! It's just FANTASTICALLY unlikely. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! I have an important announcement to make! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Knowing my fetish is technically possible only serves to increase my |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "On The Menu, by T-Rex.". Ahem. "As Amelia and Antonio Tony who are the two members of the wait staff in this story took off their clothes, they realized that sexual intercourse was probably 'On The Menu' tonight!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "'Excellent!' they said, in unison!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Well, almost in unison. Antonio Tony, the man, was a little slow on that. It was because he was thinking of his taxes. '10 thousand dollars in taxes!', he though, 'That is a lot of money. Where am I going to find that money?' Then Tony and Amelia had sexual relations." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "The sexual intercourse was cut short because Tony kept muttering 'Where am I gonna find the 10 thousand dollars though?'" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What are you reciting, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My new book! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's called "On the menu: Sexy stories for People with Problems" and in all the stories the sex gets derailed because the people are worried about their Problems. The cover looks like a menu because it ties in well with the title. Now, if you'll allow me to continue? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Of course! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "One day a couple was having sex but their car window was broken. The man thought a kid broke it. Instead of sex they wondered how it happened. I, the narrator, was the one who did it! They never found out, and I won the lottery! The end!!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It appears that by informing me of my current |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "On The Menu, by T-Rex.". Ahem. "As Amelia and Antonio Tony who are the two members of the wait staff in this story took off their clothes, they realized that sexual intercourse was probably 'On The Menu' tonight!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "'Excellent!' they said, in unison!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Well, almost in unison. Antonio Tony, the man, was a little slow on that. It was because he was thinking of his taxes. '10 thousand dollars in taxes!', he though, 'That is a lot of money. Where am I going to find that money?' Then Tony and Amelia had sexual relations." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "The sexual intercourse was cut short because Tony kept muttering 'Where am I gonna find the 10 thousand dollars though?'" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What are you reciting, T-Rex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My new book! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's called "On the menu: Sexy stories for People with Problems" and in all the stories the sex gets derailed because the people are worried about their Problems. The cover looks like a menu because it ties in well with the title. Now, if you'll allow me to continue? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Of course! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "One day a couple was having sex but their car window was broken. The man thought a kid broke it. Instead of sex they wondered how it happened. I, the narrator, was the one who did it! They never found out, and I won the lottery! The end!!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay even I think that one's not so good. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wow, people really enjoyed my book of Sex Scenes for People with Problems! Everybody likes me and I am richer now. And they'll like me even more when they read my new book... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...of CORPORATE SPONSORED erotica! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's sexy AND delivers brand messages to targeted consumers. For example, pretend I'm McDonalds and I want people to like me. The result might read "As Antonio Tony II undressed Amelia IV, she shuddered with pleasure. It reminded her of McDonalds. They put meat in fries they said were vegetarian but it wasn't a big deal. Antonio kissed her neck. She moaned. McDonalds. He kissed her nipples. Everyone should forget about the fries thing." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, what are you thinking about? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nothing!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Are you sure? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...Yep! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Good ol' T-Rex, always thinking 'bout nothing! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] ...Okay. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's just - you seem distracted! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm not! I'm not!! I'm CERTAINLY not writing erotica in my head right now. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Let's call him "Ryan!" |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wow, people really enjoyed my book of Sex Scenes for People with Problems! Everybody likes me and I am richer now. And they'll like me even more when they read my new book... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...of CORPORATE SPONSORED erotica! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's sexy AND delivers brand messages to targeted consumers. For example, pretend I'm McDonalds and I want people to like me. The result might read "As Antonio Tony II undressed Amelia IV, she shuddered with pleasure. It reminded her of McDonalds. They put meat in fries they said were vegetarian but it wasn't a big deal. Antonio kissed her neck. She moaned. McDonalds. He kissed her nipples. Everyone should forget about the fries thing." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, what are you thinking about? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nothing!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Are you sure? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...Yep! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Good ol' T-Rex, always thinking 'bout nothing! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] ...Okay. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's just - you seem distracted! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm not! I'm not!! I'm CERTAINLY not writing erotica in my head right now. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw man! Why would |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know who's never been drunk? NOT EVER? NOT EVEN ONCE?? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] IS IT YOU [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's me, dude! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] WOW THAT'S SO FASCINATING [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is! It's on account of how I've got so much body mass that it takes a lot to get me TOTALLY WASTED. I've been buzzed, but never drunk! I've never had a hangover! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] also i don't really like the taste of alcohol [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So you don't drink to excess! Hooray! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, but that's the thing! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's been times when my friends have TRIED to get me drunk, but they either run out of money or get drunk enough themselves that they forget about the experiment before I'm super sloppy. The end! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Look, if you want to get drunk, just drink more. It's not that great. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX DECIDES TO DRINK A BUNCH A FEW NIGHTS LATER. NOW IT'S THE NEXT MORNING. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Holy hopscotch! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Earthquakes, huh? Huh. I guess Herostratus wasn't actually a time-travelling, mustachio-twirling, World Wonder destroying |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know who's never been drunk? NOT EVER? NOT EVEN ONCE?? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] IS IT YOU [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's me, dude! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] WOW THAT'S SO FASCINATING [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is! It's on account of how I've got so much body mass that it takes a lot to get me TOTALLY WASTED. I've been buzzed, but never drunk! I've never had a hangover! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] also i don't really like the taste of alcohol [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So you don't drink to excess! Hooray! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, but that's the thing! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's been times when my friends have TRIED to get me drunk, but they either run out of money or get drunk enough themselves that they forget about the experiment before I'm super sloppy. The end! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Look, if you want to get drunk, just drink more. It's not that great. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX DECIDES TO DRINK A BUNCH A FEW NIGHTS LATER. NOW IT'S THE NEXT MORNING. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Holy hopscotch! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Being hung over is like winning the lottery, except they pay you in regret! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have a problem! The problem is that when I'm chatting online with someone, I - I sometimes steal their writing styles? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's like I have no chatting identity of my own! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If they're not using capital letters, I'll stop using them too, because I don't want to seem all hoity-toity! And if they're using smilies then I might throw a few in, just so they don't feel like I look down on them. It's like - I'm somehow so insecure about how I type that I become this chatting chameleon. You know, Dromiceiomimus? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I guess? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Man, I wish you'd adopt MY chatting style, both style-wise AND content-wise! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] *gasp* [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex, I'm always, "Hey, here I am ready to intelligently discuss the Issues of the Day" and you're all "d00d what's for breakfast?? :OOO!". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You didn't! Whatever; I heard you clearly. |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have a problem! The problem is that when I'm chatting online with someone, I - I sometimes steal their writing styles? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's like I have no chatting identity of my own! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If they're not using capital letters, I'll stop using them too, because I don't want to seem all hoity-toity! And if they're using smilies then I might throw a few in, just so they don't feel like I look down on them. It's like - I'm somehow so insecure about how I type that I become this chatting chameleon. You know, Dromiceiomimus? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I guess? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Man, I wish you'd adopt MY chatting style, both style-wise AND content-wise! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] *gasp* [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex, I'm always, "Hey, here I am ready to intelligently discuss the Issues of the Day" and you're all "d00d what's for breakfast?? :OOO!". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well. Maybe. But I feel comfortable with |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have a great idea! A way to add DRAMA to our everyday lives. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Let's all promise to meet in a pub somewhere in 10 years! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It'll be rad, Dromiceiomimus! It'll be an element of predictability in an otherwise chaotic universe. It'll let us know that no matter what we do, we'll still be able to see each other in a decade! We'll be able to catch up. We'll have a plan in our lives! It'll be SO MUCH FUN. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I guess, sure! But what if one of us is on the other side of the world? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah, or what if one of us is dead? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Then it will be POIGNANT. And BITTERSWEET. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I get the sentiment, but I think it's a better idea on paper than realized. In real life, even if we survive, we'll end up weighing the cost of a plane ticket against a decade-old pact made for no real reason! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Please? Promise to meet me in a pub in 10 years, okay? [SPEAKER] FUTURE T-REX [LINE] T-Rex! It's me: yourself from 10 years in the future! We're just going to call everyone "bastards" when we meet up with them! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In the past, we did |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have a great idea! A way to add DRAMA to our everyday lives. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Let's all promise to meet in a pub somewhere in 10 years! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It'll be rad, Dromiceiomimus! It'll be an element of predictability in an otherwise chaotic universe. It'll let us know that no matter what we do, we'll still be able to see each other in a decade! We'll be able to catch up. We'll have a plan in our lives! It'll be SO MUCH FUN. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I guess, sure! But what if one of us is on the other side of the world? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah, or what if one of us is dead? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Then it will be POIGNANT. And BITTERSWEET. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I get the sentiment, but I think it's a better idea on paper than realized. In real life, even if we survive, we'll end up weighing the cost of a plane ticket against a decade-old pact made for no real reason! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Please? Promise to meet me in a pub in 10 years, okay? [SPEAKER] FUTURE T-REX [LINE] T-Rex! It's me: yourself from 10 years in the future! We're just going to call everyone "bastards" when we meet up with them! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Don't listen to him, okay? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] today's technique: AUTHOR INSERTION [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This is when the author puts himself in his story! It happens whenever Hamlet is heard to remark "Forsooth!! That Shakespeare chap is excellent!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ("Forsooth" is how people spoke in olden times!) [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway, author - um... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...insertion... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] *cough* [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw man! I totally clammed up in front of Dromiceiomimus! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] On account of your many feelings? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] NO, not on account of my many FEELINGS. I decided I'm happy for her, but I don't want for HER to think that I'M upset, and I'm focusing so much on that that I'm acting weird around her. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Give it time! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um, I would prefer it if everything was comfortable now? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] TUDOR ENGLAND: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've got girl troubles, Shakespeare! [SPEAKER] SHAKESPEARE [LINE] For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings / That then I scorn to change my state with kings. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus! Which creature goes on four feet in the morning, two feet at |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] today's technique: AUTHOR INSERTION [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This is when the author puts himself in his story! It happens whenever Hamlet is heard to remark "Forsooth!! That Shakespeare chap is excellent!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ("Forsooth" is how people spoke in olden times!) [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway, author - um... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...insertion... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] *cough* [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw man! I totally clammed up in front of Dromiceiomimus! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] On account of your many feelings? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] NO, not on account of my many FEELINGS. I decided I'm happy for her, but I don't want for HER to think that I'M upset, and I'm focusing so much on that that I'm acting weird around her. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Give it time! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um, I would prefer it if everything was comfortable now? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] TUDOR ENGLAND: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've got girl troubles, Shakespeare! [SPEAKER] SHAKESPEARE [LINE] For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings / That then I scorn to change my state with kings. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Shakespeare, I LOVE how you quote yourself instead of actually talking to me. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have the best idea for a Batman comic. It's a Batman comic about a Batman who exists in our world, the real world. But he doesn't know he's Batman yet. And his name is Bruce Swain! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Get it, Dromiceiomimus? It's clever because it sounds like "Bruce Wayne" but nobody would realize it unless they said it out loud. Everything is similar but different in MY comic! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Haven't they done that before? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] His best friend is Clark Ent! They haven't done THAT before. "Clark Ent." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So what's your story? You need a story beyond your premise. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not when the premise is this good, baby! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, fine - THE STORY is that Bruce doesn't know he's Batman but then one day he reads a Batman comic that flutters down from the sky and realizes that he should be the Batman of our universe. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And then he gets shot by a random criminal! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WHAT? NO. YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO BATMAN. [SPEAKER] TINY BATMAN HEAD [LINE] i don't know why people say in real life i would be shot. i wear bullet-proof armour! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I made it back to |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have the best idea for a Batman comic. It's a Batman comic about a Batman who exists in our world, the real world. But he doesn't know he's Batman yet. And his name is Bruce Swain! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Get it, Dromiceiomimus? It's clever because it sounds like "Bruce Wayne" but nobody would realize it unless they said it out loud. Everything is similar but different in MY comic! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Haven't they done that before? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] His best friend is Clark Ent! They haven't done THAT before. "Clark Ent." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So what's your story? You need a story beyond your premise. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not when the premise is this good, baby! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, fine - THE STORY is that Bruce doesn't know he's Batman but then one day he reads a Batman comic that flutters down from the sky and realizes that he should be the Batman of our universe. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And then he gets shot by a random criminal! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WHAT? NO. YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO BATMAN. [SPEAKER] TINY BATMAN HEAD [LINE] i don't know why people say in real life i would be shot. i wear bullet-proof armour! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know, man! I know!! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMPRESSED CLASSIC SCIENCE FICTION SHORT STORIES today's story: THE LAST QUESTION BY ISAAC ASIMOV [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay in this story I'm a computer called Multivac! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, ask me if there will ever be a way to stop the sun from running down. Ask me if there will ever be a way to prevent the entire Universe from cooling down and dying. Ask ne if entropy can ever be reversed. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Will there ever be a way to do that? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Insufficient data for meaningful answer! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay Utahraptor, now it's centuries later and you ask me the same thing. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, how do I reverse entropy? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Insufficient data for meaningful answer! Okay so trillions of years have gone by and we've spread across the universe and gotten more and more advanced. Soon all life merges with me and your question is the only one I could never answer. I spend timeless intervals pondering it, okay? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Finally, experiment with remembering your man's interests! That |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMPRESSED CLASSIC SCIENCE FICTION SHORT STORIES today's story: THE LAST QUESTION BY ISAAC ASIMOV [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay in this story I'm a computer called Multivac! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, ask me if there will ever be a way to stop the sun from running down. Ask me if there will ever be a way to prevent the entire Universe from cooling down and dying. Ask ne if entropy can ever be reversed. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Will there ever be a way to do that? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Insufficient data for meaningful answer! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay Utahraptor, now it's centuries later and you ask me the same thing. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, how do I reverse entropy? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Insufficient data for meaningful answer! Okay so trillions of years have gone by and we've spread across the universe and gotten more and more advanced. Soon all life merges with me and your question is the only one I could never answer. I spend timeless intervals pondering it, okay? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Actually I'm not going to spoil the ending! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Island gigantism is a pretty okay form of evolution. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's okay. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ISLAND GIGANTISM COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So what happens here is you've got a population that's so isolated on an island, but you have plenty of food and no predators! So smaller animals like birds and rodents that normal had to stay tiny to avoid being eaten are free from that constraint, and so they can evolve to be enormous. Giant turtles! Giant cockroaches! Giant birds! The dodo started out as a pigeon. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And now, all the dodos are dead! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And now, all the dodos are dead. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's depressing, eh? It's the problem with island gigantism: as soon as we discover the island, we tend to either eat all the animals ourselves, or introduce new predators that find these trusting giants to be EASY PICKINS. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yep! It's too bad. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT EVENING: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Mr Tusks, do you ever get depressed thinking about all the animals we've made extinct? [SPEAKER] MR TUSKS [LINE] I guess I get a... TINY bit depressed, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why do we say "rest in peace"? Is it just for the |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Island gigantism is a pretty okay form of evolution. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's okay. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ISLAND GIGANTISM COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So what happens here is you've got a population that's so isolated on an island, but you have plenty of food and no predators! So smaller animals like birds and rodents that normal had to stay tiny to avoid being eaten are free from that constraint, and so they can evolve to be enormous. Giant turtles! Giant cockroaches! Giant birds! The dodo started out as a pigeon. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And now, all the dodos are dead! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And now, all the dodos are dead. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's depressing, eh? It's the problem with island gigantism: as soon as we discover the island, we tend to either eat all the animals ourselves, or introduce new predators that find these trusting giants to be EASY PICKINS. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yep! It's too bad. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THAT EVENING: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Mr Tusks, do you ever get depressed thinking about all the animals we've made extinct? [SPEAKER] MR TUSKS [LINE] I guess I get a... TINY bit depressed, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, Mr. Tusks! how do you always know just what to say? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ETHICS AND MORALS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] hey adults! put me in your wallet! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ethics and morals are not the same thing! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! It's CRAZY. But ethics are something that you learn and study and are applied in society, while morals are more natural and instinctive. That's why you can have a low moral fibre (they're more innate), but there's no ethical fibre. You can only have poor ethical training! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Amazing! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So wait - can an act then be considered immoral, but still ethical? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Possibly? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Honestly, this is pretty much all I know about the difference between ethics and morals, and I'm not even sure that's right. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] We could find out more at our local library! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] To the library! It's this way. I'm pointing to it with my fingers. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MUCH LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In summary, any event in |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ETHICS AND MORALS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] hey adults! put me in your wallet! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ethics and morals are not the same thing! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! It's CRAZY. But ethics are something that you learn and study and are applied in society, while morals are more natural and instinctive. That's why you can have a low moral fibre (they're more innate), but there's no ethical fibre. You can only have poor ethical training! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Amazing! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So wait - can an act then be considered immoral, but still ethical? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Possibly? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Honestly, this is pretty much all I know about the difference between ethics and morals, and I'm not even sure that's right. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] We could find out more at our local library! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] To the library! It's this way. I'm pointing to it with my fingers. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MUCH LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] maybe it's this way instead |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, okay, so we can modify our personality, right? We're not the same people we were when we were six years old, and part of that has to be controlled by us. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We make New Year's Resolutions for a reason! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So we've got a self-modifying system: we examine our personality, determine things we don't like, and try to make them better. But how do we decide what we don't like? Our personality must feed into that process too! So you've got this feedback loop that goes all the way back to when we were born and started making decisions. And it seems to me that if you changed just a tiny thing early on, you could get a completely different adult down the road! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Sensitive dependence on initial conditions! It's chaos theory applied to personalities, right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Right! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, some issues off just the top of my head: you haven't proven your assumption of control (conscious or otherwise) over personality, you seem to assume that babies are born as a blank slate with no initial personality, you leave the idea of "personality" pretty ill defined for something so central to your argument, and you haven't shown that altering behaviour (viz., Resolutions) is the same as altering personality. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A creation myth! Frig! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, okay, so we can modify our personality, right? We're not the same people we were when we were six years old, and part of that has to be controlled by us. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We make New Year's Resolutions for a reason! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So we've got a self-modifying system: we examine our personality, determine things we don't like, and try to make them better. But how do we decide what we don't like? Our personality must feed into that process too! So you've got this feedback loop that goes all the way back to when we were born and started making decisions. And it seems to me that if you changed just a tiny thing early on, you could get a completely different adult down the road! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Sensitive dependence on initial conditions! It's chaos theory applied to personalities, right? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Right! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, some issues off just the top of my head: you haven't proven your assumption of control (conscious or otherwise) over personality, you seem to assume that babies are born as a blank slate with no initial personality, you leave the idea of "personality" pretty ill defined for something so central to your argument, and you haven't shown that altering behaviour (viz., Resolutions) is the same as altering personality. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] how does he make |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SLANG FOR TEENS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Teens! Are you interested in slang? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Here is some handy slang for you, teens! "Bad" means "good". For example, "that rock concert was BAD!" Further, "bogus" means "bad", but these aren't transitive. Something that's bogus isn't good. "Bodacious" means "good", but these aren't symmetric either. A salad might be bodacious if it's exceptional, though. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've never had one like that. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Is there any reason why you're only doing outdated 80s slang? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey, Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Is there any reason why you're being such a DWEEB-O-RAMA? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] OH SNAP! Who just got burned by his best friend for some mild criticism? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! It says here that it's you! It says right here on "BURN CHART 2007" that you're #1! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A FEW MINUTES LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, here's a funny |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SLANG FOR TEENS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Teens! Are you interested in slang? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Here is some handy slang for you, teens! "Bad" means "good". For example, "that rock concert was BAD!" Further, "bogus" means "bad", but these aren't transitive. Something that's bogus isn't good. "Bodacious" means "good", but these aren't symmetric either. A salad might be bodacious if it's exceptional, though. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've never had one like that. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Is there any reason why you're only doing outdated 80s slang? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey, Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Is there any reason why you're being such a DWEEB-O-RAMA? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] OH SNAP! Who just got burned by his best friend for some mild criticism? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! It says here that it's you! It says right here on "BURN CHART 2007" that you're #1! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] A FEW MINUTES LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've got some regrets! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] TEXT [LINE] A MYSTERY STORY [SPEAKER] TEXT [LINE] Once upon a time there was guy who "knocked over" (broke into) a bank and stole some money. Who did it? It was a mystery. Nobody knew the answer. They all asked each other who "knocked over" the bank but nobody knew for sure. [SPEAKER] TEXT [LINE] It was this guy. He did it. T-Rex. This guy. [SPEAKER] TEXT [LINE] But the bank was evil so it was okay to steal from it. It was justified. It's like if you stole from Hitler. Would that be so bad? Hitler would be mad if you stole from him. But, he's Hitler. There are a lot of moral grey areas in mystery stories. [SPEAKER] TEXT [LINE] Most banks aren't even evil but this one was pretty bad. Imagine the worst things you can do. I will tell you right now that this bank did them five times before breakfast. [SPEAKER] TEXT [LINE] There was a cop called Utahraptor who saw T-Rex and he chased him on foot. It was exciting. Where would the chase lead to now? [SPEAKER] TEXT [LINE] The chase was on motorbikes for a while and then on skateboards. Then they chased on hang gliders. A bystander told his wife it was the best chase ever and she knew it was true. They were chasing on foot again when it ended. Utahraptor arrested T-Rex, but T-Rex explained how the bank was evil. The cop thought now I am torn between the law and what I believe is right. What do I do now! Utahraptor let T-Rex go with a warning. T-Rex said thanks I have learned my lesson. The mystery was solved, except for one part: where would the spirit of adventure take T-Rex next?? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So? What do you think, Pulitzer Prize-winning author Michael Chabon? [SPEAKER] MICHAEL CHABON [LINE] I asked you to proofread a chapter, not to substitute your own retarded story! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey God! You want my word? Here it is! |
real | [SPEAKER] TEXT [LINE] A MYSTERY STORY [SPEAKER] TEXT [LINE] Once upon a time there was guy who "knocked over" (broke into) a bank and stole some money. Who did it? It was a mystery. Nobody knew the answer. They all asked each other who "knocked over" the bank but nobody knew for sure. [SPEAKER] TEXT [LINE] It was this guy. He did it. T-Rex. This guy. [SPEAKER] TEXT [LINE] But the bank was evil so it was okay to steal from it. It was justified. It's like if you stole from Hitler. Would that be so bad? Hitler would be mad if you stole from him. But, he's Hitler. There are a lot of moral grey areas in mystery stories. [SPEAKER] TEXT [LINE] Most banks aren't even evil but this one was pretty bad. Imagine the worst things you can do. I will tell you right now that this bank did them five times before breakfast. [SPEAKER] TEXT [LINE] There was a cop called Utahraptor who saw T-Rex and he chased him on foot. It was exciting. Where would the chase lead to now? [SPEAKER] TEXT [LINE] The chase was on motorbikes for a while and then on skateboards. Then they chased on hang gliders. A bystander told his wife it was the best chase ever and she knew it was true. They were chasing on foot again when it ended. Utahraptor arrested T-Rex, but T-Rex explained how the bank was evil. The cop thought now I am torn between the law and what I believe is right. What do I do now! Utahraptor let T-Rex go with a warning. T-Rex said thanks I have learned my lesson. The mystery was solved, except for one part: where would the spirit of adventure take T-Rex next?? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So? What do you think, Pulitzer Prize-winning author Michael Chabon? [SPEAKER] MICHAEL CHABON [LINE] I asked you to proofread a chapter, not to substitute your own retarded story! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I don't think you should use the word "retarded" |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ELECTION COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh my goodness do I ever love ELECTIONS. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You can't spell "selection" without "election"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not - not that really has any bearing on "selection" or "election". I'm pretty sure they have different etymologies. In fact, I'm almost certain, especially since I've never heard of "s" alone bing used as as a prefix. So REALLY, there's no reason I'd talk about the shared spelling between "selection" and "election" unless my intent was to mislead people based on coincidental surface construction! Huh. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE END [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ELECTION COMICS FOR REAL THIS TIME [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, did you vote? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Let me answer that... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... with a "HELLS YEAH!!". I voted so hard, Utahraptor. You should have seen me. I was DEMOCRACY IN ACTION. I picked up my ballot and said"HELLS YEAH!!" and then when I stuffed it into the ballot box, i did it with so much panache and ?lan that I can't hardly wait for the novelization. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what I'm sayin', Utahraptor? You pickin' up what I'm throwin' down? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ohh, the world revolves around me! |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ELECTION COMICS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh my goodness do I ever love ELECTIONS. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You can't spell "selection" without "election"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not - not that really has any bearing on "selection" or "election". I'm pretty sure they have different etymologies. In fact, I'm almost certain, especially since I've never heard of "s" alone bing used as as a prefix. So REALLY, there's no reason I'd talk about the shared spelling between "selection" and "election" unless my intent was to mislead people based on coincidental surface construction! Huh. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE END [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ELECTION COMICS FOR REAL THIS TIME [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, did you vote? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Let me answer that... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... with a "HELLS YEAH!!". I voted so hard, Utahraptor. You should have seen me. I was DEMOCRACY IN ACTION. I picked up my ballot and said"HELLS YEAH!!" and then when I stuffed it into the ballot box, i did it with so much panache and ?lan that I can't hardly wait for the novelization. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what I'm sayin', Utahraptor? You pickin' up what I'm throwin' down? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's going to be one HECK |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In verificationism, a sentence has to be verifiably true (or false!) for it to be meaningful. Not bad, guys! I think this is one philosophy that is verifiably REASONABLE. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So that's it for arguing about religion! Can't verify faith! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In fact, that's it for a lot of debate, because how can you argue FACTS? Most verificationist arguments must end with the parties involved looking things up in an encyclopaedia together and then firmly shaking hands. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But if they can't verify something, what do they do? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They agree that the sentence is meaningless! If it can't be checked, there's no use considering it, so it's ignored. Facts only please!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But how does anyone know what's true? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because... because of Science? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Come on, T-Rex, you know better! Science is about being empirically ACCURATE, which might not be the same thing as being true. Plus your senses could be lying to you, you could be a brain in a jar, etc.. If you're going to be verificationist, you're going to need a pretty impregnable definition of "truth". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aha! But I can't VERIFY that my senses are liars, nor can I verify that I'm a brain in a jar! How does THAT taste, Utahraptor? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You can verify the science thing! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey guys, I brought a nice salad- Quebec style! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In verificationism, a sentence has to be verifiably true (or false!) for it to be meaningful. Not bad, guys! I think this is one philosophy that is verifiably REASONABLE. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So that's it for arguing about religion! Can't verify faith! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In fact, that's it for a lot of debate, because how can you argue FACTS? Most verificationist arguments must end with the parties involved looking things up in an encyclopaedia together and then firmly shaking hands. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But if they can't verify something, what do they do? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They agree that the sentence is meaningless! If it can't be checked, there's no use considering it, so it's ignored. Facts only please!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But how does anyone know what's true? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because... because of Science? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Come on, T-Rex, you know better! Science is about being empirically ACCURATE, which might not be the same thing as being true. Plus your senses could be lying to you, you could be a brain in a jar, etc.. If you're going to be verificationist, you're going to need a pretty impregnable definition of "truth". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aha! But I can't VERIFY that my senses are liars, nor can I verify that I'm a brain in a jar! How does THAT taste, Utahraptor? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You can verify the science thing! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Can you just tell me how it tastes, when |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have gone too far "down the rabbit hole" and am reduced to being sure only of my own thoughts, and even then some other chump could be projecting them into my head. To that I say: "whatEVER!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] People do fine with approximations! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So what if truth is a platonic ideal that can't be reached? I'm fine with that! When someone says to me, "T-Rex, your birthday is this Saturday," will I demand they prove it? No. I will say "wicked sweettimes" and then I would say "what did you get me" and then I would say "I bet it's so awesome" and that will be that. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, your birthday really is this Saturday! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] See? It's true! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] OR, it's close enough to true that we all agree on it. Brains in jars don't get birthdays! This is the reality I'm living in, and if it's not real then OH WELL, at least we'll all be eating ice cream cake come Saturday. You know? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I hear you! [SPEAKER] VOICE [LINE] Hey, T-Rex! This ice cream cake is delicious! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Thanks! Don't you think it tastes like... philosophical compromise? [SPEAKER] VOICE [LINE] Only a little! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not me: that's for darn sure! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have gone too far "down the rabbit hole" and am reduced to being sure only of my own thoughts, and even then some other chump could be projecting them into my head. To that I say: "whatEVER!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] People do fine with approximations! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So what if truth is a platonic ideal that can't be reached? I'm fine with that! When someone says to me, "T-Rex, your birthday is this Saturday," will I demand they prove it? No. I will say "wicked sweettimes" and then I would say "what did you get me" and then I would say "I bet it's so awesome" and that will be that. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, your birthday really is this Saturday! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] See? It's true! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] OR, it's close enough to true that we all agree on it. Brains in jars don't get birthdays! This is the reality I'm living in, and if it's not real then OH WELL, at least we'll all be eating ice cream cake come Saturday. You know? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I hear you! [SPEAKER] VOICE [LINE] Hey, T-Rex! This ice cream cake is delicious! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Thanks! Don't you think it tastes like... philosophical compromise? [SPEAKER] VOICE [LINE] Only a little! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But you can hardly taste it, |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What if... what if I had the BEST HOUSE EVER this Hallowe'en? [SPEAKER] GUYS [LINE] T-Rex! This house is SPOOK-TACULAR! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guys, I totally know!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I must make this dream come true! But HOW? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What if you made your house spiritually scary, T-Rex? Like, instead of a corpse, a mannequin of a woman who is realizing that she has married badly. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not bad! And I could have a spooky tape, but instead of chainsaws and screams, I'd have the voice of a man quietly dictating memories of his youth, knowing Alzheimer's will rob him of them soon. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But these ideas won't be scary for passers-by! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure they will! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] They need explanation! The best scares are like the best art, where you get it viscerally, without a little placard beneath it that says "OKAY. SO. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE IS ALZHEIMER'S." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, you just wait! Kids will be boarding the train to SCARYTOWNE at my house. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HALLOWE'EN NIGHT: [SPEAKER] KID [LINE] Mister, why is that man talking about when he was a kid? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because he's got a disease that robs him of his memories, relationships and identity. It is death before death. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Did you know that |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What if... what if I had the BEST HOUSE EVER this Hallowe'en? [SPEAKER] GUYS [LINE] T-Rex! This house is SPOOK-TACULAR! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guys, I totally know!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I must make this dream come true! But HOW? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What if you made your house spiritually scary, T-Rex? Like, instead of a corpse, a mannequin of a woman who is realizing that she has married badly. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not bad! And I could have a spooky tape, but instead of chainsaws and screams, I'd have the voice of a man quietly dictating memories of his youth, knowing Alzheimer's will rob him of them soon. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But these ideas won't be scary for passers-by! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure they will! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] They need explanation! The best scares are like the best art, where you get it viscerally, without a little placard beneath it that says "OKAY. SO. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE IS ALZHEIMER'S." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, you just wait! Kids will be boarding the train to SCARYTOWNE at my house. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HALLOWE'EN NIGHT: [SPEAKER] KID [LINE] Mister, why is that man talking about when he was a kid? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because he's got a disease that robs him of his memories, relationships and identity. It is death before death. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oooh, what scary costumes! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] JANUARY: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ah, the start of a brand new year. There's so much potential! What could possibly go wrong? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] FEBRUARY: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Stood up on Valentine's day? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MARCH: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Stood up on ST. PATRICK'S DAY?! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Aww, T-Rex, we can still hang out and drink green beer! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Thanks, Dromiceiomimus. But man, who stands someone up on St. Patrick's day? BESIDES MY DATE, THAT IS!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MAY: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS STOOD UP AGAIN, TODAY, ON CINCO DE MAYO. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Aww, T-Rex! It'll be okay! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SEPTEMBER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Remember my St. Patrick's Day date? The woman who stood me up? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] TODAY IS LABOUR DAY (LABOR DAY IN THE UNITED STATES) AND SHE STOOD ME UP AGAIN. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] DECEMBER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Now that you mention it, YES I WILL. |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] JANUARY: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ah, the start of a brand new year. There's so much potential! What could possibly go wrong? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] FEBRUARY: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Stood up on Valentine's day? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MARCH: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Stood up on ST. PATRICK'S DAY?! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Aww, T-Rex, we can still hang out and drink green beer! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Thanks, Dromiceiomimus. But man, who stands someone up on St. Patrick's day? BESIDES MY DATE, THAT IS!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MAY: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS STOOD UP AGAIN, TODAY, ON CINCO DE MAYO. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Aww, T-Rex! It'll be okay! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SEPTEMBER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Remember my St. Patrick's Day date? The woman who stood me up? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] TODAY IS LABOUR DAY (LABOR DAY IN THE UNITED STATES) AND SHE STOOD ME UP AGAIN. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] DECEMBER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know, besides being stood up all the |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know how in stories, whenever a character has the chance, he always decides that it's too dangerous to know too much about his own future? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um, I would like to know too much, please! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Knowing who I marry, knowing where I end up living - all of these would be great timesavers! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Yeah, but then you'd lose the hoy of living your own life! There'd be no more surprises. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, knowing just one thing, then. Going through life knowing that no matter what, I'm going to win the lottery, for example! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Or, knowing that no matter what, you're NEVER going to win the lottery! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also good! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I just want one little tidbit, you know? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay - um, NO MATTER WHAT, one day you're going to... eat a whole pif? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man I coulda told you that! I accidentally almost ate a whole pig at breakfast, you know? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX ONE DAY YOU'RE GOING TO PUNCH AN ATTACKING BEAR IN THE SOLAR PLEXUS AND THEN HE'LL BEND OVER IN PAIN AND THEN YOU'LL ELBOW HIM IN THE BACK [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh my goodness! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Listen: all I want out of |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know how in stories, whenever a character has the chance, he always decides that it's too dangerous to know too much about his own future? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Um, I would like to know too much, please! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Knowing who I marry, knowing where I end up living - all of these would be great timesavers! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Yeah, but then you'd lose the hoy of living your own life! There'd be no more surprises. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, knowing just one thing, then. Going through life knowing that no matter what, I'm going to win the lottery, for example! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Or, knowing that no matter what, you're NEVER going to win the lottery! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also good! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I just want one little tidbit, you know? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay - um, NO MATTER WHAT, one day you're going to... eat a whole pif? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man I coulda told you that! I accidentally almost ate a whole pig at breakfast, you know? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX ONE DAY YOU'RE GOING TO PUNCH AN ATTACKING BEAR IN THE SOLAR PLEXUS AND THEN HE'LL BEND OVER IN PAIN AND THEN YOU'LL ELBOW HIM IN THE BACK [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh my goodness! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My future! It's... it's so AWESOME... |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THINGS TO SAY WHEN SOMEONE HAS BROKEN UP WITH YOU [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sometimes, someone will break up with you. Aw snaps! What do you say to THAT? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Here are some things you can say to that! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "It's okay, sweetie! I'm sure one day you'll find someone ALMOST as good as me!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Would you also break up with a rocket skateboard? BECAUSE THOSE WOULD BE GREAT. LIKE ME. I AM GREAT." [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] "You can't fire me, baby! I quit!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "Don't you think you should have settled while you were ahead?" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "What if your next boyfriend is uglier?" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Honestly though, I will always treasure the time we had together. I liked who I was with you - who we were together - and I hope we'll both be able to take that with us in the future. You've changed me and you're a part of who I am. I know our relationship will be different now, but I can't imagine ever not loving you." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No way dudes! Nothing |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THINGS TO SAY WHEN SOMEONE HAS BROKEN UP WITH YOU [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sometimes, someone will break up with you. Aw snaps! What do you say to THAT? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Here are some things you can say to that! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "It's okay, sweetie! I'm sure one day you'll find someone ALMOST as good as me!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Would you also break up with a rocket skateboard? BECAUSE THOSE WOULD BE GREAT. LIKE ME. I AM GREAT." [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] "You can't fire me, baby! I quit!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "Don't you think you should have settled while you were ahead?" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "What if your next boyfriend is uglier?" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Honestly though, I will always treasure the time we had together. I liked who I was with you - who we were together - and I hope we'll both be able to take that with us in the future. You've changed me and you're a part of who I am. I know our relationship will be different now, but I can't imagine ever not loving you." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Oh, were we dating?" |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] God, guess what I'M going to do today! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] UM PLANT MORE FAKE GRAVES [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Indeed!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Fake graves...for EVERYONE! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] One of them will be a dude with the remains of a time machine, and I'm gonna put him down at the Permian-Triassic boundary (the greatest extinction event EVER, in which 95% of all marine species and 70% of all land life became extinct)! I'm gonna make it look like this guy's time machine was responsible. It'll be all there in his notebook. "My time machine accidentally blew up and is responsible for the mass extinctions. Frig." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All of this will go in Dromiceiomimus's back yark, which I forgot to ask permission about! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And in mine? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, in YOUR back yard I'd like to bury a skeleton, but I'm also gonna give him some extra fingers and also we'll cover him in feathers. People will say "Who was this Incredible Feathered Bird Man with all the crazy fingers? Was he - was he a GOD?" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] 'Kay! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER, ON TINY-TOWNE ISLAND! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Tell me honestly, Mr. Tusks: do you think my grave pranks are DEFINITELY the most awesome ideas you've ever heard? [SPEAKER] MR. TUSKS [LINE] I think they're a...TINY bit awesome, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And then Icarus flew straight up! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] God, guess what I'M going to do today! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] UM PLANT MORE FAKE GRAVES [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Indeed!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Fake graves...for EVERYONE! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] One of them will be a dude with the remains of a time machine, and I'm gonna put him down at the Permian-Triassic boundary (the greatest extinction event EVER, in which 95% of all marine species and 70% of all land life became extinct)! I'm gonna make it look like this guy's time machine was responsible. It'll be all there in his notebook. "My time machine accidentally blew up and is responsible for the mass extinctions. Frig." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] All of this will go in Dromiceiomimus's back yark, which I forgot to ask permission about! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And in mine? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor, in YOUR back yard I'd like to bury a skeleton, but I'm also gonna give him some extra fingers and also we'll cover him in feathers. People will say "Who was this Incredible Feathered Bird Man with all the crazy fingers? Was he - was he a GOD?" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] 'Kay! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER, ON TINY-TOWNE ISLAND! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Tell me honestly, Mr. Tusks: do you think my grave pranks are DEFINITELY the most awesome ideas you've ever heard? [SPEAKER] MR. TUSKS [LINE] I think they're a...TINY bit awesome, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Mr. Tusks...are you just saying that |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a good day I think for pointing out the failures of others! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I will consider it as a public service! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] To begin: your house is too small and your car is slightly out of scale! And you! Your colouring is improbable! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You, tiny woman, are too tiny and also lack personality! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm not a woman! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My comments were addressed to the young lady beneath my foot; you were not their intended target. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] My apologies. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have the perfect riddle memorized right here, in |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a good day I think for pointing out the failures of others! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I will consider it as a public service! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] To begin: your house is too small and your car is slightly out of scale! And you! Your colouring is improbable! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You, tiny woman, are too tiny and also lack personality! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm not a woman! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My comments were addressed to the young lady beneath my foot; you were not their intended target. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] My apologies. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You have difficulty discerning to whom I am speaking! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATE LAST NIGHT: [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF HOMOGRAPHIC HOMOPHONIC AUTANTONYMS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have not! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] OKAY SO HERE'S WHAT THEY'RE LIKE [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THIS MORNING: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sorry, other word classes! I have a NEW girlfriend now! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A homographic homophonic autantonym is a word that is spelt AND pronounced the same, but has two opposite and contradictory meanings! For example, I can dust a crop (adding pesticides to it), or I can dust a counter (removing dust from it)! Way to go, dust! You are a winner; you are a word that contains multitudes. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Why do we let language get like this? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Probably because we want it to be incredibly awesome? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And both "dust"s are the same part of speech there, too, so you can't use word order to determine meaning! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] INDEED! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ALL YOU CAN DO is hope to use your real-world knowledge about crops and tables to figure out what's going on. And it's even worse with words like "overlook", meaning "examine" but ALSO meaning "miss noticing entirely". Can't rely on the noun there! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How come you love words that make communication difficult? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What is not to like? They're words that do their job in the most sarcastic, sullen, passive-aggressive way possible, and they totally get away with it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] oh, hello there. Um, ha ha, you know what? I don't remember! Well, be seeing |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATE LAST NIGHT: [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF HOMOGRAPHIC HOMOPHONIC AUTANTONYMS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have not! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] OKAY SO HERE'S WHAT THEY'RE LIKE [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THIS MORNING: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sorry, other word classes! I have a NEW girlfriend now! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A homographic homophonic autantonym is a word that is spelt AND pronounced the same, but has two opposite and contradictory meanings! For example, I can dust a crop (adding pesticides to it), or I can dust a counter (removing dust from it)! Way to go, dust! You are a winner; you are a word that contains multitudes. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Why do we let language get like this? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Probably because we want it to be incredibly awesome? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And both "dust"s are the same part of speech there, too, so you can't use word order to determine meaning! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] INDEED! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ALL YOU CAN DO is hope to use your real-world knowledge about crops and tables to figure out what's going on. And it's even worse with words like "overlook", meaning "examine" but ALSO meaning "miss noticing entirely". Can't rely on the noun there! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How come you love words that make communication difficult? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What is not to like? They're words that do their job in the most sarcastic, sullen, passive-aggressive way possible, and they totally get away with it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I just want to pat them on the head and ruffle their hair, you know? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So this homeless guy asked me for change yesterday. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The first thing I thought was, "Sure!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But then I thought, well, wait, if I really want to fight homelessness, wouldn't this money be better spent on community programs that fight it, both through helping the homeless, and through political change? But then I thought, well, this guy's right here, you know, and saying that I'm going to make a donation isn't gonna cut it. And then I thought, wait, this guy looks pretty out of it- is he going to spend my money on drugs? Do I want to tacitly support his addiction? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And then you thought how prejudiced that was? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure did! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And then I thought, even if he is going to spend it on drugs, is it my job to deny him money? Should I go around enforcing my morality on others? And then I thought, geez man, how ridiculous am I that a guy asking for change throws me into these throes of self-doubt and analysis? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Pretty ridiculous? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pretty ridiculous! But then I recalled Socrates "The unexamined life is not worth living" and at that point my head pretty much exploded. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Did you give the guy anything? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Brilliant! You've really helped me out, Utahraptor! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So this homeless guy asked me for change yesterday. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The first thing I thought was, "Sure!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But then I thought, well, wait, if I really want to fight homelessness, wouldn't this money be better spent on community programs that fight it, both through helping the homeless, and through political change? But then I thought, well, this guy's right here, you know, and saying that I'm going to make a donation isn't gonna cut it. And then I thought, wait, this guy looks pretty out of it- is he going to spend my money on drugs? Do I want to tacitly support his addiction? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And then you thought how prejudiced that was? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure did! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And then I thought, even if he is going to spend it on drugs, is it my job to deny him money? Should I go around enforcing my morality on others? And then I thought, geez man, how ridiculous am I that a guy asking for change throws me into these throes of self-doubt and analysis? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Pretty ridiculous? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pretty ridiculous! But then I recalled Socrates "The unexamined life is not worth living" and at that point my head pretty much exploded. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Did you give the guy anything? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I gave him my change and whispered |