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She huffed. „No, but don't bother. I told you, I'm too exhausted anyway. It was still good. I liked your... enthusiasm. Especially that roar at the end." She smirked.

Right, on the run. Sod it all.

Duncan's discomfort disappeared under the heartfelt laugh that welled up from deep inside him, mimicking Kiendra's from moments before. The whole situation was entirely surreal, and he couldn't help but laugh at himself. He felt giddy. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt giddy, but it must have been over a decade ago. Suddenly all his burdens didn't seem so heavy.

Show me who you are, she had said. And how accurate that turned out to be. As it turned out he still was a human, with normal, human desires that he had a right to satisfy. That he could still feel joy in satisfying. The world didn't collapse when he indulged himself.

Maker knew how Kiendra read his actions, but to himself they proved: he was a Grey Warden, and he had mastered the taint. He had accepted it within himself, and allowed it to change him. But even now, he was still Duncan. He could still master it, had to master it, every day. And he would, he thought with proud certainty. His body would fall before his mind did.

Kiendra's head turned so she could watch him, which put her face in complete shadow. „You look happy. Or rather, you sound happy. Feeling better then?"

He smirked at the words which mirrored his own from earlier. „I do. I am. That was... amazing. Thank you."

„Mm. So I was right then. You did need it." He could practically hear the smug grin, even if all he saw was a faint flash of teeth.

He snorted. „Are you waiting for the opportunity to say you told me so? Yes, it appears I did need it, there you go. Let it out."

She chuckled hoarsly and stage-whispered: „Ooo, Can I, really? I don't want to breach protocol or anything."

He was going to raise an arm and wave it in the air dismissively, but it turned out his limbs had multiplied their weight. He settled for raising it only from the elbow down and wiggling the hand a few inches above ground, letting it flop back down after two heartbeats. „No, no, it's fine, go ahead. Knock yourself out. Savour your moment of triumph."

„Well then," She cleared her throat and overenunciated: „I toooold you sooo." Both couldn't keep a straight face anymore and laughed quietly.

„I bow to your wisdom." Duncan uttered between huffs when his laughter faded out. „Even if I'll still point out that the way you "convinced" me was foolish and dangerous." He managed to employ his best chiding tone for all of one sentence before his good mood won him over. "But really, I am grateful that you did."

There was still a smile in her voice, and he imagined a blush might come with it. „You're welcome. I'm... you're welcome."

„So, did you learn who I am?" He asked it with a tinge of humour, but he was genuinely curious about her assessment.

„Hm. I learned there's still life in those old bones." She teased, then said more seriously: „I learned you're putting really tight restraints on yourself, if that's what happens when you let go. I mean, keeping up appearances because you represent something? Acting all civilized and well-mannered no matter what? I know a thing or two about that. But I think I could still learn a lot from you in that area. And..."

„Don't." He interrupted sternly.

She made an inquisitive sound, thrown off her train of thought.

He tried to catch her gaze, not sure if she could see him any better than he could see her. „I think you already know more in that area than is good for you."

She snorted loudly. „Forgive me if I call that a tad hypocritical."

„Forgiven. But allow me to explain. And don't get me wrong, restraint can be an essential tool. But there's a fine line between keeping a lid on your emotions, and burying them so far you don't know them anymore. Which is what I believe you did. You tried to hide them from yourself, and that is why you couldn't handle them when they came back and overwhelmed you. Am I wrong?"

He heard her breathe a few times before she answered quietly. „No. You're not wrong."

„From one tightly restrained individual to another, let me tell you this: Feelings will always resurface. Sooner or later you will have to deal with them, and the farther removed they are from their cause, the less understandable they will be, the less you will be able to deal with them. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Again there was a pause while Kiendra digested his words. „I... think so."

He rolled his head back up to look at the stars. „Grief, rage, sadness, jealousy, fear... whatever unpleasant feeling you try to suppress, given time it will only grow stronger. You have to face them, not like you face an opponent, but like you face an argument with your family. Whatever you throw at each other, you still have to live together afterward. Whatever you feel, it's there, and it's a part of you. You cannot just will it away. But if you confront your feelings, they may lose some of their menace."

He heaved his body onto its side to face Kiendra, and now she was the one to stare up into the dark canopy while he watched. Her profile at least was outlined clearly enough that he could vaguely discern the creases on her forehead.

„I... understand what you're saying. I will think about it."

„Promise me you will." He urged gravely.

She glanced at him, eybrows shooting up, probably surprised by his tone.

„It's important. I've seen people who did what you did their whole life, and it destroyed them. I don't want that to happen to you. I know it's a lot at the moment, and I know it's not easy, but promise me you'll really, seriously think about it when you can spare the mental capacity."

She blinked owlishly, the white of only one eye reflecting the firelight, but nodded. „I promise."

„Good." He reached for her forearm and squeezed it. „I'm sorry for preaching. We old men do that sometimes." When he drew his arm back she rolled to her side, following it. Closer now, he could at last make out more of her features.

„It's alright. It's probably good advice. I really will think on it. But right now? I'm happy if I can remember my own name."

„Of course. Now tell me what else you learned about me, so I can finally let you sleep."

She frowned in thought. „Uh, there's not much more. You're not half as calm and serious as you make yourself appear, but I kind of already said that. You're actually kind and considerate, it's not just pretence I mean. And yet you can be... like that. Like... hard. Brutal. I'm not sure how you make that work. But I like it. It feels... I don't know. Honest." She shrugged her free shoulder.

He smiled. „That is not a bad assessment. And probably more kind than I deserve."

„I'm feeling generous." She reached out tentatively to touch his chest, and when he didn't protest she scooted closer, turning to lie on her back, the back of her hand touching his leg, still leaving space between them, but close enough to feel each other's body heat. He draped his arm across her waist, and she sighed contentedly. „Maybe I can make it work, too." She mumbled, words beginning to slur from fatigue.

They fell silent, and Duncan closed his eyes, breathing deeply. For the first time this night, he had no trouble relaxing.

He wasn't ready to sleep yet, curiously enough, although his body was incredibly weary. It was a strange, contradictory state, feeling worn out, but at the same time invigorated.

But then it was absurd to yearn for sleep when for the first time in years he felt alive with every fibre of his body. He felt the air in his lungs, the cold air on his skin, the heartbeat in his veins. It was ironic that he should feel this now, when his demise was imminent. But even that thought was bittersweet rather than sad.

It was typical that his mind would drift to such serious topics even now. Yet this time there was no fear, no second-guessing himself, no worries about a future he wouldn't see. Just the certainty of his fate.

He truly wasn't afraid anymore. It was weird, really. It should be the opposite. He should be reluctant to let go, now that he remembered what it meant to actually live. But he wasn't.

Because... it wasn't just his fate, but also the fulfillment of his purpose. He actively remembered what his life was dedicated to, why he fought, what he was fighting to protect. The blight was essentially destruction, death, stillness. He had spent his life fighting to protect life, in all its small and bittersweet nuances. The ability to do that was certainly worth the sacrifice.

And so he was at peace with it. Duncan could proudly say that he'd done well, and would continue to do well until life left him, and then he'd do well by letting it go.

If Thedas was lucky, this was not a Blight, and he would gladly return to the Deep Roads to throw himself on a darkspawn blade. If not, well. Maybe he'd get the opportunity to pitch himself against an Archdemon and laugh in its face in his final moments.

A deep, wonderful calmness settled upon him. Everything was as it should be. Finally, after so mny years, he found that this duty that he hadn't chosen for himself was not only a chore, and a shield, but that it could be a joy.

Maybe that was the greatest happiness a Warden, or even anyone, could wish for. To find joy in duty.

While his arm rose and fell with Kiendra's breathing, friends and lovers long gone or scattered across Thedas flashed through his mind. Of those who might be alive, he wondered what they were doing. If some felt what he felt, the Wardens among them. He'd probably never know, he mused with quiet sadness.

Except with his own Wardens. He had done his best for them to be aware of their duty, he should try to convey his newfound joy as well. He was suddenly eager to get back, be welcomed back, to see their grim but smiling faces. He thought of how happy Alistair had grown, how his eyes had gradually lightened up after recruitment. Here was something Duncan had definitely done right. He earnestly hoped that it would be similar for this one, that she found all she wished for in the Order.

He wondered how her addition to the troupe would change them all. She appeared to crave the familiarity they shared from simply living and fighting together, but also some level of intimacy that went beyond what he had been giving, or even encouraging.

Why? Why did he keep himself apart? Every one of them was important, every one of them was a treasure. Maybe he still had time to change his habits and open up more.

But not... like this. Not through sex.

Suddenly he knew with absolute certainty that this had been his last time. In such a passionate situation he would not be able to suppress the taint any longer. He had thought that the case long ago, had given up on trying. But he had pushed it back thanks to Kiendra. Thanks to her earnest persistance he'd risked it, and won. He had held images of her before his mind's eye like a beacon to light his way, and the taint had receded. But now, with new and more heated memories to draw upon, they wouldn't retreat easily again. Very well.

It had been enough. It was enough.

He smiled. His body was completely worn out, but he was happy. Honestly happy. He was overflowing with pride and joy and energy, he was at peace with himself and the world and it was all thanks to the woman now falling asleep beside him.

She did not know any of that, could not know. He wanted so much to tell her, to share his joy with her. To thank her properly and explain exactly what she had done for him. But then he would have to explain things he was not allowed to explain. After the Joining he would tell her, he promised himself. She may still not understand fully, not until she'd lived as a Warden for a while. But he would make sure she understood someday, after he was long gone.

He listened to her calm breathing, watched her face relax as she was drifting off to sleep.

On an impulse, he leaned over and kissed her, startling her awake. After the initial surprise she pliantly allowed it, her hand sliding to the nape of his neck, heavy and warm on the sensitive skin. He blocked out his surroundings, simply savouring the taste of her lips, the softness of her skin under his palm, her sharp smell of sweat and earth and sex and life. He took his time, committing it all to memory, short as it would be. This was what he wanted to remember when he let the spawn end him.

When he finally withdrew, slowly opening his eyes, she was blinking up at him blearily. „Why did that taste of farewell?" Her words were slurred, but her eyes were intent.

He wondered where such insight came from. „Because we cannot repeat this." He said gently, not without regret.

She rubbed a hand over her face. „Oh? Pity, because I was planning on shagging our brains out every night till Ostagar." Her lopsided smile hinted that she was only half joking. He swallowed hard.

„While I would truly like to take you up on that, and thank you for offering, I'm afraid I would only hurt you, and don't smirk like that, I am serious this time. Matters have changed. Please, don't ask any further, I cannot tell you more, but I promise you will understand one day. And then you will also understand exactly how much you gave me tonight."

She studied his face for a few breaths. „Very well."

Duncan's eyebrows jumped up in disbelief. „What, just like that? No prodding and pleading?"

Her lips twitched. „Just like that."

„Too tired to argue, are you?" He smiled. „Good, because tonight you've already exhausted your allowance for prodding and pleading."

She looked away. „Sorry about that. It... must have been annoying."

He shook his head, still smiling. „It was terrifying. But I forgive you, in light of the result."

„Thank you, I..." She coughed, then cleared her throat with a disgusted expression. „Is the canteen here somewhere?"

He looked around, and spotted it closer to the fire. He patted Kiendra's hip. „I'll get it." He stood and fetched it, letting Kiendra gulp the remaining water down, then went off to the stream to drink and refill. When he returned she was crouching by the fire, wrapped in the blanket. As he came up beside her, he eyed the flattened pile of leaves they had been sort of lying on... the general vicinity of. On a few scattered remains of. Hm. Some of the leaves they had lain on had surely, at some point, composed a pile.

„Let's make a new pile. I don't think you'll be using yours, so we can build that up and put both gambesons on it to have more space." He chuckled. „Brilliant to have that idea now, isn't it?"

She gave him a flat look. „You mean we could've avoided all this dirt and twigs getting wedged into sensitive places?"

He clapped her shoulder, grinning. „Oh, you can never avoid that. Welcome to a soldier's life."

She turned away, eyeing the scattered leaves mournfully. „Oh joy. Is it too late to consider running away to Orlais and becoming a pampered wallflower?"

„Oh yes. I'm not letting Orlais have you."

„We could just use that second pile as it is." She threw him a hopeful glance.

But he showed no mercy. „It's a little cramped for two. Come on, this won't take long. We'll just do enough so we can fit without sticking together like conjoined twins." He started carrying the leaves they had scattered to the other side of the fire, adding them to the still intact pile.

Kiendra stood up laboriously and followed suit, walking to and fro, wobbling precariously. It really did not take long before they could drape the second gambeson beside the first. With the two garments on top the pile looked positively comfy, and just looking at it Duncan felt reminded of his own exhaustion. His heavy limbs screamed at him to fall onto the soft bedding, snuggle into it and finally let them rest.

Kiendra winced, which might mean that the same was going on in her head. Poor thing wasn't even as used to this kind of life as he was. He eyed the blisters on her feet pityingly. It was a wonder she could still stand, and her movements had become sluggish and heavy. He gestured for her to lie down and she didn't even protest, snuggling into the bedding the way he was yearning to do while he stoked the fire for the last time, and fetched his gear to put it closer to his new resting place. He may be unreasonable enough to sleep naked this once, but his weapons still needed to be in arm's reach.

Finally he lay down, automatically folding Kiendra in his arms, loosely, and she snuggled against his side with a sigh. Immediately the calm happiness welled back up and enveloped him comfortably, and he floated on it, protected from all unnecessary brooding.

Kiendra stirred. „Thanks. For doing the chores. I feel like I can't lift a finger anymore." She sounded drunk, the way the words came out heavy and slurred.

He spoke into her hair: „It's all right. Thank you for helping anyway."

She took a deep breath „Also, thank you for... you know. Tonight. Everything. And for putting up with me, in general."

Aw. „For everything, you're welcome. But there's no need to thank me for putting up with you. I never felt like you were a burden."

She huffed weakly. „Yes there is. I mean all the crying. And because I was so pushy. I'm sorry."

His hand absently stroked her skin. „The crying was important. And I'm truly grateful that you pushed me, so please don't beat yourself up over it."

„Thanks." She sighed, then chuckled soundlessly. „We sure are thanking each other a lot tonight aren't we? Enough already. It's getting awkward."

Duncan, however, was feeling far from awkward. He murmured: „I have found that honest gratitude cannot be voiced too often."

The chuckling stopped. „...right. Um." She paused, then whispered: „Thanks."

He smiled and gave whatever bodypart his hand was lying on a gentle squeeze. „You're welcome. Now sleep."

And after a long pause, when she couldn't hear him anymore, he whispered back: „I thank you from the bottom of my heart."

Kiendra woke when Duncan stirred against her, and he had risen and left before she could shake sleep from her puffy, aching eyes. It took her a few breaths to remember where she was and why.

Around her the world was bright and green, birds sang and the air smelled of moist earth. The morning mists had dissipated and the sun climbed a good distance farther than when they'd gotten up the previous days. They had apparently slept right through sunrise, comfortably warming each other during the coldest hours.

The bedding she lay on felt softer than something that wasn't a real bed had any right to be, and Kiendra's aching body sank into it, incredibly heavy. She'd fall back asleep if she closed her eyes for even a heartbeat, so she forced herself to peel back the blanket, allowing the sudden touch of cool air to drive away the immediate allure of sleep. Disoriented and weary, she rose, bare feet on the damp forest floor, and first had to greet and scratch a happy Mabari, who then bounded away between the trees. Drowsily she followed him toward splashing noises and soon reached the stream, where she stopped short.

Of course the sounds meant Duncan was washing himself, and of course he was naked. So was she. The part of her that was Eleanor Cousland's properly raised lady immediately supplied advice: don't look, cover yourself, retreat. A wholly different part of her protested: but we had sex. Twice. Isn't running away now a tad ridiculous? Still another part worried: we had sex. Surely we're now supposed to behave differently around each other? Be intimate? Naked means sexual, right? Are we to feel aroused? And lastly another part supplied helpfully: Duncan said he doesn't want to have sex again, so shouldn't we keep a distance? He probably doesn't want anything more to do with me anyway.

She hated that last one.

While she hovered at the stream's edge, unsure which voice to listen to, Duncan noticed her. He smiled at her, a small smile that was neither overly affectionate, nor strained, nor anything even close to a leer - just a tired but genuine smile for a companion who had just woken up, or so she wanted to believe.

„Hey, you're up, very good. We need to get going." He nodded towards the stream, and she followed the invitation automatically, telling all the voices to just shut up.

Amazingly, they did.

Leaving Warg excitedly drinking from a puddle, she waded in until her ankles were covered, and bent to splash water onto her face, hoping it would clear her head. The water was freezing, but it felt heavenly on her swollen feet and face.