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Kiendra's lips quirked into an actual smile now, just short of showing teeth. Maybe it was the firelight dancing on her face, but he could swear it turned mischievious just before she spoke. „Yeah, that helps, but I didn't mean any of those options." He blinked.

Wait, she couldn't mean...

That did it. Duncan burst into deep laughter, shaking so much he dislodged Kiendra from his chest, who rolled away grinning broadly, tangled in the blanket. He rolled to his side and curled up, some of his tension bleeding from him through the laughter. This whole situation was absurd. It was a slap in his face for taking everything so seriously. The dog perked up and watched him curiously for a while before giving a huff that sounded suspiciously disdainful and returning to sleep.

As Duncan calmed down, Kiendra was watching him not unlike the dog, propped up on one elbow, cheek resting on her fist. He sat up and shook his head at her, still wheezing and chuckling quietly, pushing lose strands of hair from his face. „And how did a sheltered noblewoman come to learn such a thing?"

The grin now came easily to her face, and whatever else he'd done this night, he knew he had done at least something right. Mirth, relief and affection warmed him from within, melting away more of the strain he'd had so much trouble getting rid of.

„From an Orlesian. Father took me to Denerim to do busines with a merchant. I spent a few very enlightening evenings with his son, learning to circumvent my... nobility problem."

Seeing her grow somber again as her thoughts returned to her father, Duncan intervened quickly.„Somehow I feel a lot less guilty now. Why didn't you tell me that at the very beginning? That would have worked." He leaned back, leaning on his arms, and crossed his ankles. He felt good and almost comfortable, and he refused to be bothered by being naked and on display while she was covered, especially when earlier the situation had been reversed.

„What, spill all my dirty secrets before my future commander, in addition to bawling like a little girl, soaking his shirt in snot and throwing myself at him like a cheap whore?" Kiendra's face twisted in exaggerated revulsion. „Hm, in hindsight, yes, I should have just told you. I guess your opinion of me can't possibly be ruined any further.

He picked up on a current of insecurity beneath the humorous words and was quick to assert: „None of that lowers my opinion of you. Some young man in your future is going to be very lucky."

She looked away for a heartbeat, expression inscrutable, but soon the amused glint was back. „Just one?" She teased.

He huffed. „May you have as many as you wish, in any way you wish. I'm sure you'll meet plenty of nice, adventurous men you can play with."

„Can you recommend anyone?" He was starting to respond when the grin returning to her face, now decidedly toothy, clued him in. He sputtered, torn between amusement and indignation. „You devious little...no, I can not "recommend" anyone."

„How sad, there goes another dream. Are you sure? I won't tell." She lowered her voice to a stage- whisper and leaned in conspiratorially. „Give me some dirty secrets, now that you know mine. I'm sure there are some juicy stories a man like you can tell. I recall rumours concerning the stamina of Grey Wardens? Is there some Warden lucky enough to test yours?"

He scrambled for his dignity, struggling to keep a straight face. „As already mentioned, I do not do my subordinates anyway. So no. I am pure as fresh snow, a paragon of virtue, and that's the story I'm sticking with. Where do you even get such ideas?" He asked exasperatedly. „Orlesian merchants again? More crimes against Ferelden to put at the feet of Orlais?"

She backed away and rested her head on her bicep, stretching the arm out on the ground. „Oh, noble girls like to gossip. Also, they read awful romance novels. I, of course, never touched those, so do wipe that smirk off your face. Didn't stop me from listening when girls talked. There was this daughter of one of our bannermen, she had a crush on Gil, I mean Ser Gilmore, and for some reason thought it a good idea to embarass him with all kinds of those stories. Poor guy..." She trailed off, staring into space. Ser Gilmore, Duncan remembered belatedly, had stayed to defend Highever's main hall. He rolled to his side and reached towards Kiendra's shoulder, then remembered there was no reason to restrict himself to proper gestures, and instead ran a hand up her flank. She jumped slightly, pulled from reminiscence, and turned a faint smile towards him.

„Don't worry, I'm not breaking apart again. Your shirt is safe for now. Or rather, your chesthair is safe, since you're not wearing your shirt, obviously." She drew a shaky breath, and he gently squeezed the soft flesh over her ribs. „I'm sad, of course I'm sad. But I can manage for now. It will fade. Besides, I'm going to be a Grey Warden, which is all I ever dreamed of. I'll be fine, eventually. Unless of course, you know. Spear to the stomach or something."

He pulled her forward gently, and she followed readily, reclaiming her place across his chest and fitting more of her body to him than could be comfortable. He soothingly stroked her back in wide, slow circles. „Are you scared?"

„Of battle? No. Not yet, anyway. Maybe I will be. Right now I couldn't care less."

„Of course." He slipped his other hand into her hair, freeing the already loosened hairtie and placing it in the direction of the fire, in hopes of finding it the next day. „Just relax for now. I am confident that you will do well, both in battle and in handling your grief." He combed through her hair and proceeded to massage her scalp, feeling her melt back into him. Her hand hesitantly kneaded and stroked his chest and arm in tiny motions. He could get used to this. He wished he had the time to get used to this.

If he was honest, he was a tiny bit glad she still needed the comfort, which gave him an excuse to enjoy her closeness a little longer, as much as he could, anyway. It was a wonder to him that she would allow all this, that she felt so relaxed with him. „I'm still baffled you'd even want to touch this old man." He said half-honestly, teasingly, knowing full well she'd be irritated, but trying to lighten the mood.

She groaned and pinched his hip. Hard. He barely swallowed a yelp. „You're not going to give it a rest, are you? For the last time, I enjoyed it and would do it again. I feel infinitely better. I appreciate your help. Really, thank you. Now, why don't you just feel flattered, say I'm welcome and go to sleep?"

He chuckled and rubbed at the burning skin. „All right, you're welcome, and I do feel flattered."

It was true. How could he not? Maybe he really had done everything right, and he could just allow himself to feel good about it. His guilt had mostly evaporated. And he felt less like a fool and a trespasser. There was no harm done. The way things were, he could live with the situation if she could, and stop worrying about it. He really had more pressing worries to consider. Tomorrow. He would consider them when the time came. For now, sleep was becoming truly inviting and perhaps even attainable.

While he still had the same difficulties as before, it was easier now to relax and fully enjoy the woman atop of him. His hands continued to move automatically over her head and back. Things had worked out. He was comfortable and so was she. Maybe this time he could bring himself to unwind enough to fall asleep like this.

Before he restarted the meticulous process of relaxation though, something she had said came back to nag at him. „Is it really?" He asked softly.

„Hm?" She hummed drowsily.

„Being a Grey Warden. Is it really all you ever dreamed of?"

She rolled off him to lie on her back, and he propped himself up on one elbow to look at her. Hands behind her head, she stared gravely into distance. „Let's see... devoting my life to a higher purpose than just staying alive and reproducing. Spending most of that life in combat. Being able to fight and kill without guilt, because darkspawn." An expression of intense longing slid over her face while her voice grew quieter. „Being part of an order, having comerades to share my life with. Who maybe, hopefully, become close friends... yes, that pretty much sums it up."

That was a less idealistic description of the order than he had come to expect. Why that still surprised him with this one he couldn't fathom.

„You sound like you're going to be truly dedicated. Which is good, because becoming a Grey Warden is irreversible and very demanding. It's a commitment for life." He was so used to keeping the Order's secrets he barely even felt the stab of guilt anymore.

„I know. I am. I mean I'm going to be dedicated. I meant it, I really have daydreamed about becoming a Grey Warden." She glanced his way with a flash of embarassment.

That was promising, but then she didn't know the dirty details yet. No matter, she had already agreed, and there was little else she could be planning to do with her life, now that her home and station had been taken from her. Little else, except... „So you are not planning to seek vengeance against Howe?"

Her face closed off and she remained silent for a while, staring through him and hiding her thoughts as well as before the breakdown. He almost regretted brining it up, but she seemed in a talkative mood, and some things were better cleared up in advance. This was far more important than the matter of virginity and how this night may or may not affect her in the future. This was about her quality as a Warden. He even barely hated himself for thinking this way - for letting duty eclipse the person, much the way he'd been treating himself.

When she spoke, her voice was alarmingly quiet, all emotion filtered from it. „I would love to smash his face in with my bare hands, beat him within an inch of his life and then split him in half like the pig he is. Or better yet, have him sentenced and humiliated before his peers, destroy his name and his legacy and rub his face in it before he's hanged like a common bandit." She took a long, deep breath, her glittering eyes belying her calm. „But if what you say is true, if there is a Blight coming, that is more important than anything. Maybe after it's over I will seek vengeance. As much as it sickens me to let that piece of shit sully Highever, even if I got it back I wouldn't be able to keep it. But maybe the king and the banns will take care of that, I can't imagine they'd let him get away with murder. I should probably write down exactly what happened, in case I die..." She trailed off, lost in thought.

Duncan's heart swelled with pride, tinged with a hint of sadness. If she lived, she'd be the perfect Grey Warden. Determined, calculating and willing to sacrifice her personal matters for the good of all. There was no more he could ask for. „Yes, you should do that."

She glanced at him, confusion spreading across her features. „Judging by your look, that was the right answer?"

„Was it the honest answer?" He reached out to push a strand of hair from her forehead.

She blinked, and he wondered what she saw on his face that bewildered her so. „Of course."

„Then yes, I'm very glad you see it this way. Revenge never accomplishes anything. Thwart his plans if you can. Hate him, but don't let that hatred poison your thoughts and dominate your actions." There he went off again, preaching at her even when her attitude was already reasonable. He really was a lost cause.

Luckily she didn't seem annoyed. „I will keep that in mind." She answered solemnly.

He smiled warmly. „I know you will." What else had he wanted to respond to? There had been something plainly important to her... Ah yes. „And don't worry about the other Wardens. I believe you will easily make friends among them." His hand was still in her hair, and he combed through it slowly.

„You really think so?" She looked away, embarrased, deeper shadows sliding over her face and obscuring her expression.

„I am sure." He knew his men and could see her getting along with them all. „Although living with that bunch of ruffians may take some getting used to. They are a friendly lot who take good care of their own. I see no reason why they should reject you." He knew Alistair felt at home already, though he had the advantage of having lived in barracks for years.

„Hm. I hope you're right." She all but whispered, and the barely discernable emotions flickering across her face gave him pause.

His hand slid down to cup her jawbone and coax her head back around to face him. „This is a relief for you, why? Were you afraid they wouldn't accept you in their midst because you're a woman? It is true we do not have many, and none in Ferelden at the moment, but female warriors have not been regarded as abnormal for a long time, and not just within the order."

She shifted nervously, just the eyes turning away since her head was obstructed by Duncan's hand. „It's not that. I mean, it can be a piece of work to be taken seriously sometimes, but I can deal with that. I've been told I'm good at dealing with that." She flashed him a quick, smug grin.

„I can attest to that." He lightly flicked her earlobe with his index finger. „Then what were you woried about?"

Her face transformed again, and this time he could clearly see it: shame, fear and insecurity warred with hope and yearning, molding her expression into something shy, almost fragile. He marvelled how this and the stony face from the previous days could belong to the same person.

„It's nothing." She clearly tried to smoothe her features, but he had seen enough.

„It is not nothing if it puts a look like that on you. It is not my wish to pry, and of course you need not tell me if you'd rather not." His fingers slid down to hold her chin loosely. „I simply want to help if you are troubled, and I can see that you are. You have enough on your mind already. Let me see if I can lay some of your worries to rest." He let go of her face and it immediately it turned away, but not before he saw it darken. It might have been a trick of the light, but it might also have been a blush. Who would've thought he'd get to witness that after all.

„You'll laugh." Kiendra mumbled, her hands sliding out from beneath her head and meeting in the air above her chest, fidgeting with each other.

„I promise I won't." His free hand moved in sympathy, finding a convenient leaf to crumple while Kiendra's left hand absently massaged the right.

„It's just... my father's soldiers and retainers were exactly that, my father's. I was never one of them, no matter how much I trained with them. Because I was my father's daughter. I... have wished for the camraderie I saw among them."

„Ah. That is not a laughing matter at all." He knew a thing or two about being lonely, about keeping distance.

Encouraged, she went on to elaborate. „I think there's something special about fighting at someone's side... you know, spilling blood beside them, relying on them to protect your back and protecting theirs in turn. You probably think it's silly and maybe it's just a sheltered girl's dream, but... it's one of the reasons I... I really wanted that, and until recently I could only dream... there was no way..." Her hands continued to knead and tug at each other nervously.

He cought her forearm just beneath the wrist and the fidgeting stilled immediately. He simply held the arm in a soft grip until Kiendra looked at him questioningly. He met her eyes with all the gravity he could muster.

„I haven't had many friends in my life. But the the best of those, I have fought and bled beside. If you want there to be something special, a bond of true strength, you will find those who feel the same way. And you were not wrong to dream of the Grey Wardens, for they are one of the best places you can go to looking for that." Well, his Grey Wardens were, and that was what mattered.

She closed her eyes, her relief plain when she breathed: „Thank you."

He let go of her forearm, rubbing it reassuringly, if somewhat clumsily. „I brought your thoughts back around to serious matters, didn't I? I'm sorry. I should have just let you sleep. Again. Truly, I apologise."

She shook her head and looked up at him, a shy smile playing around her lips. „No, it's fine. I'm glad we had this conversation." She shuffled back to him, pressing against his side when he turned to lie back down. He slid his arm under her head so his shoulder could act as a pillow, and wrapped the arm loosely around her back, hand coming to rest upon her waist. He resolved to keep his mouth shut this time. It was really time to sleep.

„Very glad." Kiendra repeated, her hand wandering across his chest idly while she made herself comfortable. For the third time, Duncan commenced making himself relax and enjoy, but the slow strokes of that hand proved to be more distracting than anything else had been. When her palm skimmed over a nipple, presumably by accident, goosebunps rose all over his body. She hesitated, then did it again, and a jolt shot to his groin, making him shiver. Now that was just mean. He felt her lips twitch against his shoulder. Oh, good, at least his troubles could serve as a source of amusement. Before he could formulate some teasing comment, she spoke first.

„In fact...glad enough to be ready for another round. All this talk about fighting got me riled up." She paused, as if surprised at her own words, then shuddered. Before he could ask what was wrong though, or even wrap his mind around what she meant, she heaved herself up abruptly, throwing off the blanket, straddling his thighs and giving the seductive look another shot, with significantly better results this time. It only became a relatively mild glare, tempered by a wicked smile. „Actually, let's do it for you this time."

„What?" Every alarm bell in his head went off at that, wiping all amusement away at once.

„For you. You held back before, I can tell, and you stopped when I was done. Which I am grateful for, by the way. But now I'm reasonably aware of what I'm doing. And I hope you can finally believe me when I say I enjoyed you. I want to do something for you, in return."

His hands shot up, firmly wrapping around her elbows, stopping her in her tracks. „Thank you, but that is not necessary." Indulging himself was exactly what he'd been determined to avoid, and still was. He was a bit at a loss how to explain that, however.

Kiendra shrugged, her confidence faltering. „I know. But I want to do it. I promise it's not that I feel indebted or some such crap. I just... feel like it."

„I believe you. And I do appreciate the offer, really I do. I just don't think we should. What I think we should do is sleep, we've little enough time left of the night as it is." There, that was a reasonable argument.

„I think you think too much. Let's remedy that." She grinned, but sobered soon enough when he did not react at all, his mind racing to find a graceful way out. „I mean it, you should give yourself a break. You're so... composed all the time. I can tell you're holding a tight reign on yourself. Let me help you loosen it up for a while. Kind of like you did for me, only without all the crying, I hope."

He blinked a few times, taken aback. Oh well. He hadn't expected her to see that, preoccupied as she was. But it made sense, since they were rather similar in that area. „It may look similar, but it is not. I should not be loosening up."

Her eyebrows shot up sceptically. „Not even a little? I would really like to see how you look when you do. Please?" She was regaining momentum, and this was moving quickly into dangerous territory.

It was simply too tempting. Already unwanted urges were crawling back into his head. But even without them, his body reacted readily, still remembering how it felt to be inside her. Especially in the position they were in, with his cock trapped so close to where it wanted to go, and its every twitch no doubt clearly announcing its growing interest to Kiendra. For a moment he debated throwing her off, but that would just be too rude after such an earnest invitation. He took a steadying breath. „You have no idea what it is you're asking for."

For a moment he nurtured the hope she would back off when she studied his face intently. „Maybe I don't. Why, what do you want to do? Hurt me? I'm not squeamish. I won't mind a few bruises. And if I really don't like it, I'll tell you. I promise."

A red fog flooded his mind at those words, and he was almost deafened by the cacophony it bore. He fought to regain his senses, and when he did, he was painfully hard. So was his grip on Kiendra's elbows, and he tried to loosen it up a little, breathing deeply, evading her curious gaze. This was bad and getting worse, and the worst was that he felt his resolve crack. „You can't just go and offer that to people you barely know. You have to see that has the potential to end very badly."

She shrugged, or tried to, with her arms trapped. Instead the motion made her bear down on him ever so slightly, sending an electrifying jolt up his spine. He gasped and fought down the urge to grind his hips up in answer, while she watched his reaction curiously. „I'm not offering it to people, I'm offering it to you. You've been trustworthy so far."

That was very flattering, and luckily worked like a bucket of cold water. Had he seriously considered going along with this even for a heartbeat? The voices bore down on his restraints, urging him to give in, but he held against them the image of her, huddled against him and shaking with uncontrolled sobs, the image of her shy almost-smile, the image of her vulnerability as she bared her hopes to him. He would not risk harming her. He would keep being trustworthy. It was the most effective tactic he had tried yet, and the dark urges retreated somewhat, clamoring in the background, impatient, never quiet but no longer overwhelming. Which still left him with a raging hard-on, straddled by a willing woman, but at least that urge was normal.

He had grown short of breath from the internal struggle. „Thank you. But I can't. I'm sorry." He could see Kiendra was not about to give up. He had to put a stop to this, and he prepared to gently move her away, but she thwarted his plans.

„Why not? Your body surely can..." She wiggled a little to call attention to the very interested piece of him wedged between her buttocks. Sparks shot up his spine right into his head, making him see stars, but he managed to stay in control this time, just barely. His grip tightened again and they both froze, Kiendra looking faintly apologetic, but no less determined.

Breathing raggedly, he couldn't think clearly enough to think up something smart, so he stuck to pieces of truth and tried to impart urgency through his gaze. „Please understand. I have reasons. Reasons I can't tell you. I am not sure I could make it pleasurable for you. I don't want to hurt you, but I'm not sure I could help myself, and that's more than I should even be saying."

Her brow furrowed. „But that's exactly what I'm saying! I don't care if you hurt me. I'm already hurting. A bit more won't matter. You need not worry about me, I don't even care about coming. I'm probably too exhausted to, anyway. Just let me do this for you."

He could see she was getting ready to move again, and he grit his teeth. „Don't. You did me plenty good already, you made me feel comfortable. I enjoyed having you close, and I even relaxed as much as I could. I need nothing more. Let it go."

His grip had to be painful by now, but she made no move to free herself. She smiled at his words, but shook her head. „It's not only for you. Now want to see what you will do for yourself. You made me curious, you know. Show me who you are, Duncan of the Grey Wardens." She swiveled her hips after all, grinding hard against him, and he squeezed his eyes shut, praying for the willpower to resist while his body went up in fireworks.

„Please" He pressed out through gritted teeth. „That's enough. Stop this or I'll throw you off, I mean it."

That at last made her pause and deflate a bit. She frowned thoughtfully. „What are you, some kind of sex-berserker? If I punch you, will you stop?"

„I... what?" He considered it. Would he? Or would it just make him angry and let the taint overwhelm him? He had never been prone to bursts of anger, even since the dreams and the whispers started. Had not lost to the taint yet, and it was apparently strongest in a sexual context. A solid punch should get him out of the mood long enough to get his bearings, but... should. „I'm not sure. I can't be sure." Too late he realized he had allowed the idea to take root. He shouldn't be even thinking about this, damn it.

Of course she jumped into the opening. „Why not find out? If it goes wrong, at least you'll know. I'd still have done something for you. I swear I won't hold it against you."

„If it goes wrong you might not be able to hold anything." He was getting desperate, trying to scare her off when he already suspected it wouldn't work.

Predictably, her brows furrowed. „Come on, give me some credit. If you want to assure me I'll be taken seriously, start right now. You may be stronger and heavier, but I do know how to brawl. I won't be held down if I don't want to be."

He seriously doubted that, not when she had no actual combat experience to draw from, but he certainly wouldn't tell her that if she put it this way. „It's a needles risk."

And yet he was still considering it, his resolve faltering. He knew it was wrong. He knew it could end in disaster. But he couldn't help but wish... to be able to let go, to selfishly satisfy himself, to be invited to do just that... maybe if he satisfied his body, the urges would stop being so...urgent. He felt like he was grasping at straws, rationalizing what he had already half decided to do.

He didn't notice his grip on Kiendra's arms had loosened until she was already leaning down, face hovering inches above his.

„I won't let you harm me. Promise." The way her pelvic bone pressed and rocked against him he could no longer help but let his hips move in unison, and the feeling was such a pure delight he drowned in it for a moment. Meanwhile she closed the distance and pressed her lips against his.

„I want it." She whispered, then bit his lower lip. The tiny spike of pain sparked a violent surge of raw desire. Reason fluttered out under the onslaught, and Duncan's resolve broke.

Effortlessly he flipped the pair of them over and pressed Kiendra's unresisting hands into the dirt.

The fire had not dwindled much before the pair of them lay panting on the forest floor, staring up at the stars blinking now and then behind the canopy of trees, waiting for their heartrates to wind down.

Duncan floated on a cloud of thoughtless bliss, listening to Kiendra's breathing slow along with his own, until he fell off it roughly when the sound hitched and stuttered. Before he could gather his wits to ask about it however, the meaning became clear: Kiendra was laughing. Softly at first, irregular, nearly sondless huffs, which grew into wild, unrestricted cackling, verging on hysterical. He listened uneasily, unsure whether to be concerned. Finally she uttered breathlessly: „That was rather more rough than I ever imagined I would let someone handle me, outside of fighting practice."

Her voice, raspy to begin with, then roughened from crying, was even rougher now after his harsh treatment of her throat. He felt a stab of guilt, even though it'd been justified, at the start at least. They were on the run after all, overly loud moans and screams could get them killed. He closed his eyes against the returning weariness. „I'm sorry."

„Oh, will you stop apologising already? I wasn't complaining. I enjoyed it, whatever the heck that says about me."

Oh... good then. Now he just had to make himself believe that, because the alternative was to crumple under guilt and self-loathing. He had been really rough, more so than he used to like. When the voices in his head matched and enhanced his own preferences, it was hard to distiguish between the two. All he could do was be wary of extremes. Less than ideal, but he reassured himself that Kiendra had not protested at any point. She had writhed, and screamed and cursed, but had not once even tried to push him away. He had been watching for signs of that, and he firmly told himself that he could have seen them and could have stopped, but there had been none. She had even pulled him closer, egged him on, even answered in kind.

Oh sod it, he'd just stop worrying. He wasn't entirely comfortable with his actions, but it was done, and there was no lasting harm, and he was spent and exhausted and high on afterglow, and so his doubts were muted anyway.

„Did you even reach climax?" He opened his eyes and turned his head to the side, taking in Kiendra's shilouette before the fire. He could at least take care of that, now that he had calmed down.