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that didn’t arrive with a roll of the dice
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and was hard to maintain and had a knack
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for disappointing. I wanted to give you
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something for your pain that didn’t smack
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of a sorcerer’s trick, or a poet’s swoon,
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or a psychiatrist’s quip. Nothing too heavy
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or spacey or glib. I’d have given you the moon
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but it’s been done (and besides, its desolate dust
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and relentless tendency to wane
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might have only exacerbated your pain).
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If I could have given you something
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you could depend on, could always trust
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without a second thought, I would have.
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A splendid view, perhaps, or a strain
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of music. A favorite dish. A familiar tree.
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A visit from a genie who, in lieu of granting you
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a wish, would tend subtly to your every need,
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and never once tire, never complain.
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But when all was said and done
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(or hardly said, not nearly done)
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I was as helpless as you. Could you tell—
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or were you so overcome your pain was all
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that mattered? It seemed to me we were a kind
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of kin: willing the mind its bold suspensions,
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but the heart, once shattered, never quite matching
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its old dimensions. And yet you persevered
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in spite of pain, you knew to hold hope
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as lightly as you held my hand (a phantom grasp,
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a clasp that seemed to come from the other side).
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And your genial smile made it plain: you were pleased
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by my wish to please. And then you died.
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after Hokusai and Hiroshige
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who knows when, and will end
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who knows when?
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One spring night, at the end of my street
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God was lying in wait.
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A friend and I were sitting in his new sedan
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like a couple of cops on surveillance,
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shooting the breeze to pass the time,
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chatting up the daydreams, the raw deals,
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all the wouda-coulda-shoulda’s,
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the latest “Can you believe that?”
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As well as the little strokes of luck,
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the so-called triumphs, small and unforeseen,
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that kept us from cashing it all in.
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And God, who’s famous for working
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in mysterious ways and capable of anything,
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took the form of a woman and a man,
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each dressed in dark clothes and desperate enough
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to walk up to the car and open the doors.
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And God put a gun to the head of my friend—
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right against the brain stem, where the orders go out
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not only to the heart and the lungs
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but to consciousness itself—a cold muzzle aimed
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at where the oldest urges still have their day:
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the one that says eat whatever’s at hand,
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the one that wants only to fuck,
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the one that will kill if it has to…
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And God said not to look at him
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or he’d blow us straight to kingdom come,
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and God told us to keep our hands
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to ourselves, as if she weren’t that kind of girl.
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Suddenly time was nothing,
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our lives were cheap, the light in the car
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cold, light from a hospital,
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light from a morgue. And the moments
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that followed—if that’s what they were—
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arrived with a nearly unbearable weight,
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until we had acquired
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a center of gravity
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as great as the planet itself.
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My friend could hardly speak—
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he was too busy trying not to die—
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which made me chatter all the more,
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as if words, even the most ordinary ones,
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had the power to return us to our lives.
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