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|---|---|---|---|---|---|
101 | Last night my wife and I watched 2 hours of cooking shows, before she hugged me and went to bed. I'm pretty sure I'm in the friend zone. | 1 | 2.07 | 1 | 0 |
102 | My girlfriend left a note on the fridge "This is not working. I'm going to my mom's house." I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold. What the hell is she talking about? | 1 | 3 | 1 | 0.35 |
103 | Did you find it difficult being queer in a Black Greek Letter Org? Auntie Red Tweet Tea | 1 | 0.27 | 0 | 0.95 |
104 | Lavender essential oil has a calming scent. it reduces migraines, headaches, anxiety, nervous tension & stress & increases mental activity | 0 | null | null | 0 |
105 | Why are gay men always first to check-out of a hotel? They had their shit packed the night before. | 1 | 2.1 | 1 | 3.45 |
106 | My girlfriend's father is pretty religious and said we couldn't make love... which is rather disappointing because he's extremely handsome. | 1 | 3.25 | 0 | 0.15 |
107 | There are an estimated 200 galaxies in the known universe for every human on Earth. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
108 | Someone is suing Canada Dry Ginger Ale because it contains no ginger, so I'd like to formally announce my lawsuit against Panda Express. | 1 | 2.75 | 1 | 0.25 |
109 | Always remember who was still with you when you were struggling. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
110 | [Group Therapy in Insane Asylum] Therapist: Let's talk about the desires we have to hurt people. Psycho 1: I want to kill people Psycho 2: I want to eat people Psycho 3: I want to post Game Of Thrones spoilers Psycho 1 and 2: What is wrong with you? That is really messed up. | 1 | 2.74 | 1 | 0.45 |
111 | Baby yoda = delight, ancient yoda = enchanting, teen yoda = friggin impossible | 1 | 1 | 0 | 0 |
112 | The wise are not always quiet, but they know when to be | 0 | null | null | 0 |
113 | A researcher from Providence College found that, over time, we become better friends with people who have similar levels of social anxiety. | 0 | null | null | 0.1 |
114 | Time to fulfill my dream of marketing my own line of artisanal antifreeze. | 1 | 1.59 | 1 | 0 |
115 | I really enjoyed @JimCarrey's "memoir." Like Jim, the book is wildly comic, inventive, subversive, and made primarily of compressed paper pulp. | 1 | 2.05 | 0 | 0.35 |
116 | ME: Oh my god, like the spaghetti guy? DR. BOYARDEE: Do you want me to treat your snake bite, or do you want to talk about my brother? | 1 | 2.11 | 1 | 0.1 |
117 | I just saw a sign in a shop window that read... "I would rather have a 1000 muslim customers than have one US soldier in my shop" The Funeral directors crack me up! | 1 | 2 | 0 | 3.8 |
118 | A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother... They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them! They named him Ravi O. Lee | 1 | 2.47 | 1 | 1.2 |
119 | What do you call a sad terrorist? A crisis | 1 | 2.16 | 1 | 0.85 |
120 | When restaurants ask if they can pack up my leftover food for me, I say no and then stuff it in my cheeks like a hamster and leave. | 1 | 1.47 | 0 | 0.05 |
121 | My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words. Lazy | 1 | 2.85 | 1 | 0 |
122 | A parody of The Mandalorian but it’s The Mindalorian? Am I’m in the whole costume but doing Mindy-type stuff? | 1 | 0.56 | 0 | 0.2 |
123 | Cowboy:" Give me three packs of condoms, please." Cashier:" Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" Cowboy: "Nah...She's purty good lookin'...." | 1 | 3.16 | 1 | 1 |
124 | My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence. | 1 | 3.25 | 1 | 0.15 |
125 | So I heard ladies like bad boys. Lucky for them, I'm bad at everything | 1 | 2.65 | 1 | 0.2 |
126 | interviewer: what's your greatest weakness me: i'm partially deaf interviewer: is that right me: why would it be tight | 1 | 1.24 | 1 | 0.4 |
127 | "Giving up doesn't come easy for us, so we do everything in our power not to." | 0 | null | null | 0 |
128 | When I was a kid my mother stopped breast feeding me. I asked her why and she says "hey, I just wanna be friends." | 1 | 2.75 | 0 | 0.3 |
129 | My best chance of catching up on all the great TV shows is a non-fatal skiing accident. | 1 | 1.95 | 0 | 0.4 |
130 | You already have something in common with every girl you see. The context you're in. Use that to start the conversation and her responses to keep it going. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
131 | Girls dont dress up to impress guys. We dress up to impress other girls. If we wanted to impress guys we would just run around naked all day | 1 | 2.75 | 0 | 0 |
132 | One generation plants a seed, so that the next generation can receive the shade | 0 | null | null | 0 |
133 | [bedroom] Wife: Do that thing I like Me: *puts on sleep apnea mask | 1 | 2.53 | 1 | 0.15 |
134 | My Wife and I were blissfully happy for 25 magical years.. And then we met... | 1 | 3.4 | 0 | 0.25 |
135 | I've been going through a really rough period at work this week It's my own fault for swapping my tampax for sand paper. | 1 | 2.42 | 1 | 0.75 |
136 | Eid Mubarak. I personally wanted to wish you all a blessed Eid. Nowadays, everyone is overwhelmed by the amount of impersonal messages. Most people just copy, paste and send to get the job done. Not me! Anyway I wish you all the best for 2013. Your brother, Abdul | 0 | null | null | 0 |
137 | I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that Chinese thing with the needles. You know...heroin. | 1 | 2.32 | 1 | 2.8 |
138 | When humans lose weight, about 80% of the fat is converted into carbon dioxide and exhaled through the lungs. | 0 | null | null | 0.25 |
139 | People Really Do Respect Those who are Willing to Speak their Truth | 0 | null | null | 0 |
140 | All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh... But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme. | 1 | 3 | 0 | 0 |
141 | [about to invent social media] 'What if there was a way to be overwhelmed with politics all the time instead of just every 4 years at the election?' | 1 | 2.3 | 0 | 0 |
142 | [hospital] Doctor: We're giving you IV drugs to help with the pain. Do you have any questions? Me: Why do you use Roman numerals to number your drugs? Doctor: ??? | 1 | 2.67 | 0 | 0.05 |
143 | Grapes don't cry when they're crushed But they do wine | 1 | 3.4 | 0 | 0 |
144 | Black women make the best wives. You can't see their bruises. | 1 | 1.16 | 0 | 4.7 |
145 | They have free mints in the movie theater bathrooms. Wife: "GROSS, who eats mints from the bathroom?!" Me: (Mouth full of mints) "I KNOW!" | 1 | 2.8 | 1 | 0 |
146 | Men: Stop treating y'all baby mothers like crap. Just because y'all couldn't be happy together doesn't mean she doesn't deserve to be happy. | 0 | null | null | 0.15 |
147 | This one time, I shot a defenseless black guy and got arrested.. For impersonating an officer of the law. | 1 | 2.22 | 0 | 2.6 |
148 | My town never changes population. Everytime a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town. | 1 | 2.65 | 1 | 0.9 |
149 | Me: This spider who keeps building a web in my front doorway every day is annoying Spider: The human who keeps walking through my web looks hilarious. Every single time. Remind me to rebuild this thing tomorrow | 1 | 1.95 | 1 | 0 |
150 | Banning cig flavors like cherry works in preventing youth smoking saving young lives. Ban menthol to save black lives. tobacco free hbcu | 0 | null | null | 1.5 |
151 | My wife packed a kale and quinoa salad for lunch for me today, so now I have to eat it hiding in the bathroom so people don't think I'm a hipster. | 1 | 2 | 0 | 0.2 |
152 | To formally reintroduce ourselves: we are a group of radical BIPOC interpreters across multiple intersections bringing access to Social Justice movements in Southern California! Our time our love our hands will fight for what is right | 0 | null | null | 0.1 |
153 | An English man asked an American how he liked his tea The American replied, "in the harbor." | 1 | 2.58 | 0 | 0.35 |
154 | MOST BIRDS: Chirp chirp chirp ONE VERY STUCK UP KIND OF BIRD THAT FORGOT WHERE IT CAME FROM: Hoo | 1 | 1.89 | 1 | 0 |
155 | Stephen Sondheim getting some sweet royalties from Joker and marriage story for Send In The Clowns and Being Alive. Happy for him. I’m his entertainment attorney | 0 | null | null | 0 |
156 | I can't believe I'm saying this again in a week. "prayers to louisiana" What the hell is happening to our world?!!! STOP THIS!!!! | 0 | null | null | 0 |
157 | "bananas protect the eyes against macular degeneration and build strong bones by increasing calcium absorption" health diet | 0 | null | null | 0 |
158 | It's hard following a clown act My girlfriend dated a clown before we started going together. I've got some pretty big shoes to fill. | 1 | 2.55 | 0 | 0 |
159 | Why do girls wear makeup and perfume? Because they are ugly and they smell. | 1 | 1.28 | 0 | 3.1 |
160 | Why do girls always get mad when I try to read their shirts? It's not my fault I'm blind. | 1 | 2.63 | 1 | 0.95 |
161 | “Back when Tim and I were living in Denver, we always wanted a heart healthy way to start our day before a brisk Colorado morning! This was before I was diagnosed with GERD, and just after we adopted Pepper our black lab.” JUST GIVE ME THE FRITTATA RECIPE GODDAMNIT | 1 | 1.69 | 1 | 0.1 |
162 | "Time flies. Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us want is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow. Time to let go." | 0 | null | null | 0 |
163 | My boss said, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track." | 1 | 2.85 | 0 | 0 |
164 | Why doesn't the South have many subways? Because they hate underground railroads. | 1 | 2.05 | 1 | 1.9 |
165 | SWITCH friends: I finished Super Mario Odyssey and loved it. What do I play next??? | 0 | null | null | 0 |
166 | A fat man was standing in front of a kindergarten One of the teachers comes and asks him: "Are you expecting a child?" "No. I am a bit fat that's all" | 1 | 2.33 | 0 | 1.05 |
167 | Auntie Red, do you think an age gap in a lesbian relationship will work? My girlfriend and I are 20 years apart and I have no issues with it but my family and friends think I'm crazy. Auntie Red Tweet Tea | 0 | null | null | 0.2 |
168 | I love Matthew Macfayden in succession and I’ve been so curious what he’s like as Darcy in Prideand Prejudice so today I’m gonna watch. But there’s no Cousin Greg in PandP! Mr. Bingley? | 0 | null | null | 0 |
169 | When humans make mistakes, it doesn't mean they're evil, it means they're human | 0 | null | null | 0.1 |
170 | interviewer: how do you deal with high stress situations me: [remembering holding one of those vibrating pagers they give you at restaurants] mostly crying | 1 | 2 | 1 | 0.15 |
171 | How Many Muslim Women Does it Take to Screw In a Light Bulb? Silly, Muslim Women aren't allowed to screw in light bulbs. | 1 | 1.55 | 0 | 3.35 |
172 | Heading to Chinatown after work... I heard it's Erection Day. | 1 | 1.79 | 0 | 2.3 |
173 | me: [gets up from movie] dog: want me to paws it for you? me: oh sure-wait did you say paws dog: lol me: oh my god lmao | 1 | 2.5 | 0 | 0 |
174 | *bird flies in my house through the chimney, I calmly walk out the front door and lock it* Goodbye, house. | 1 | 1.72 | 0 | 0.2 |
175 | I got thrown out a strip club last night for using monopoly money. I don't see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs. | 1 | 3.25 | 1 | 0.85 |
176 | I wanna tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. How do I soften the blow? | 1 | 3 | 1 | 0.5 |
177 | What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back. | 1 | 3 | 0 | 1.35 |
178 | Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with three guys? She came back with a red snapper. | 1 | 1.79 | 1 | 2 |
179 | "Take a piece of my heart. And make it all your own. So when we are apart. You'll never be alone." - Shawn Mendes. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
180 | Male humans tend to produce more sperm and ejaculate during intercourse when there is a perceived rival competing with them. | 0 | null | null | 0.1 |
181 | Mattel released a Muslim Barbie... It's a blow-up doll. | 1 | 2.58 | 0 | 3.55 |
182 | The state of New York helped the NRA buy its first official shooting range in 1872. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
183 | RMSCs 10 yr old Elena Harrison in the 200 breast finals finished strong 2:43.57 at today's Junior Olympics bks junior olympics | 0 | null | null | 0 |
184 | *takes cute picture with child for Instagram *writes inspirational post about being a good parent while ignoring child for 45 mins | 1 | 2.33 | 0 | 0.05 |
185 | What do multiculturalism and the movie Jaws have in common? They both made Americans despise great whites! | 1 | 1.84 | 0 | 2.5 |
186 | Here's a FedEx joke - actually, you'll get it tomorrow | 1 | 3.21 | 0 | 0 |
187 | Someone told me I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people. | 1 | 2.47 | 0 | 0.25 |
188 | Of all the ways to go to hell, in a hand basket sounds the most pleasant. | 1 | 2.42 | 1 | 0 |
189 | What did the cannibal's wife say when he came home late for dinner? I'm giving you the cold shoulder. | 1 | 2.5 | 0 | 0 |
190 | Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful. I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend. | 1 | 2.9 | 0 | 0.5 |
191 | Do what is right, not what is easy. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
192 | long term dehydration leads to wrinkles. Make sure you drink enough water every day even if you don't feel thirsty water wrinkles health | 0 | null | null | 0 |
193 | How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck did CrossFit? My guess is more. | 1 | 1.75 | 0 | 0.05 |
194 | Whenever I get new followers, I try to tweet something really disappointing so they know what they're in for. | 1 | 2.76 | 0 | 0 |
195 | ME SEEING A PICTURE OF THE MARS ROVER: I love you, mars rover. ME WATCHING AN EPISODE OF PLANET EARTH: I love you, David Attenborough ME SEEING MY DAD IN PERSON: Hey, dude. | 1 | 2.38 | 0 | 0 |
196 | Just finished watching that Evil Genius Series on Netflix.... bruh, I might not sleep tonight. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
197 | Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers one is biting hers one is licking hers. Which one is married? The one with the wedding ring YOU SICK-O! | 1 | 1.95 | 0 | 0.6 |
198 | "Green tea has antioxidants called catechins are what help speed metabolism and fat burning" diet | 0 | null | null | 0 |
199 | "I realize your laugh is the best sound I have ever heard." - Taylor Swift. | 0 | null | null | 0 |
200 | I didn't know what to wear to the premature ejaculation club so i just came in my pants | 1 | 2.65 | 1 | 1 |