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5txko2

Sure Fire Pickup Line

“Get in the car bitch……I got a gun!”

5txkjs

Why did Michael Brown cross the road?

He didn't. He's dead.

5txkf9

The term OP on r/Jokes

Is pretty ironic

5txk4p

I'm an avid supporter of the Flat Earth Society!

I always have heated debate about it with my friend residing in the other hemisphere.

5txju2

People in California...

At first, people in California were like "Oh, we don't have enough water!" and now they're like "Oh, we have too much water!" ___ They can't make up their *dam* minds.

5txjhw

I took ribeye to the top of Everest...

The steaks could not be higher.

5txja2

A man finally buys tickets to bring his family to the super bowl...

He excitedly sits down in his seat and his family takes their seats to his right. The game is about to start and he notices the seat next to his left is empty. He leans over to the guy a seat over and says, 'Hey man, did you buy this seat? Who would miss the super bowl!?' The man says to him, 'Yeah, I bought it for my wife but she passed away.' The first guy says, 'Oh, man, I'm so sorry to hear that... didn't you have a family member or friend that wanted the seat? I mean... It's the super bowl.' The man says, 'Yeah, there were a few, but they're all at the funeral.' *****I know its a month late, but a co-worker just told me this and his jokes are usually terrible grandpa-level jokes, so I had to post it.*****

5txj9n

Why do the riot police show up at concerts early?

To beat the crowd.

5txj4q

Would you say 5 plus 7 is 13

or 5 plus 7 are 13?

5txinv

Jaws

Two guys are hitchhiking down the highway. At the same time an older couple is driving on the same road. The man has diarrhea something fierce. Every few miles he has his wife pull into a service station. Finally she gets tired of this and tells him “I’m not stopping. If you have to go that bad, hang your ass out the window and go”. So the man does this as they’re passing the hitchhikers, one of which get’s the full load on him. “Damned snooze chewers!!!” he yells. But his partner says “Yeah, but did you see the JAWS on that sumbitch”.

5txijz

My substitute teacher had diarrhea...

She couldn't control her Pewp Hole.

5txidp

Sex Statistics on a Plane.

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penises and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

5txid4

YEE HAWWW LETS ROUND UP ALL THEM DIRTY N-

Crowd : D:< Me: Nazis. . . . . Crowd: *Sigh of relief* Me: Especially Hans . . . . .Fuck Hans.

5txhvu

A flood warning is given, but the local priest decides to stay...

The water level starts rising, but he has faith that God will save him. As the water is up to his knees, an old man in a rowboat sails up to him. "Hey," he says. "Need a lift?" The priest shakes his head. "No thank you, I have faith that the lord will save me. Use your boat to find those more in need." The rowboat heads off, and soon the water is up to the priest's chest. A rescue boat loaded with supplies comes racing up to him. "Grab my hand!" the captain yells. "We gotta get out of here!" "No!" The priest yells. "There are others who need help. I assure you, the lord will save me!" Reluctantly, the rescue boat rides off. As the water continues to rise, the priest is forced to the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over to him and lowers a winch. "Hold on!" Shouts the winchman as he holds out his hand. But the priest again shakes his head. "No! The lord will save me! Go save someone else!" Frustrated, the helicopter flies away. Sadly, the water becomes too much for the priest to deal with and he goes under. He finds himself in heaven, absolutely stunned. After going through the pearly gates, he walks straight up to God himself. "Lord," the priest says, "I spent my life devoted to you. I truly believed that you would protect me through the hardest times in my life. Yet when I needed you most, when my life was at stake, you weren't there for me!" "What are you talking about?" God replies. "I sent two boats and a fucking helicopter!!"

5txgny

Police arrested two guys in the riots. One for looting batteries, the other for throwing fireworks.

They charged one and let the other off.

5txepd

A bitch ate my cookie, now the bitch is dead

Apparently chocolate is bad for dogs

5txeab

Have you heard of the new LGBTQ Music Awards?

Yeah, they’re going to name it “The Trannies”

5txe5k

Joe bought a gun . . .

Joe bought a gun. He walked right into the sporting goods store, up to the gun counter, and picked out a semi-automatic .12 gauge shotgun with a box of buckshot shells. The entire process took no more than twenty minutes. Joe left town and drove for a couple hours before exiting the highway and driving down a winding county road for another ten minutes. Joe pulled into a service station and parked his car. He sat in his vehicle, loaded five shells into his new Benelli shotgun, and chambered in a shell. Joe clicked off the safety and walked into the convenience store. There was no one in sight but the attendant behind the counter. Her name was Janice. She tried to run when she saw the shotgun but Joe shot her as she turned. She took some buckshot to the brain and died almost instantly. Joe walked behind the counter, stepping carefully over Janice, picked up the phone, and dialed 911. "I've killed a lady. I'm robbing the store," Joe told the 911 operator. He then emptied the cash register, walked out to his vehicle, and drove away. A short ways down the road, Joe came upon another service station. He pulled in and exited his vehicle. The owner of the service station was a capable man named Bill. Bill saw the look in Joe's eyes when Joe approached the door of the service station, and he saw the gun in his hand. Bill was ready with his own shotgun by the time Joe raised his, and Bill pumped a slug into Joe's abdomen. Bill immediately called for an ambulance and approached Joe with compassion. "Let me help you, son." As Bill tended to Joe's wounds as best as he could, it became clear that Joe might not survive. Bill asked him, "Why did you do it, son? Why did you bring that damn gun into my store? I had to shoot you. What, were you going to rob me? Why?" As the light of life flickered in Joe's eyes, with his dying breath he responded, "Damn it all. Shamu and Moby Dick put me up to it. They are waiting outside for me right now. I'm gonna go get them. Be right back, mister." And with that, Joe died. Bill would go on to give a full account of Joe's actions and his last words to the police and to the press. Then, the following morning, the Sunday paper headline read, "The Outlaw Joe Sees Whales"

5txdts

My pal is a comedian.

He woke me up late last night and asked if I could write a few gags for his set in a couple of days, because his mom just died and he was busy with her funeral. I agreed to help him out and asked if he had a topic in mind. He said, sorry, I'm too upset to be thinking about chocolate right now. Looks like I'm going to need help.

5txcdx

Why did the hungry baby calf cross the road?

To get to the udder side.

5txc36

I got kicked out of a grocery store...

for taking a leek in the vegetable aisle.

5txbr9

What do you say to a Woman with no arms or legs?

Nice Tits.

5txbj3

Measurements

A man and his wife were outside their house doing yardwork. The husband looked over at his wife bent over her flower bed and said "ya know honey, I never really noticed how big your ass is. Why, I bet it's just as wide as the range on the grill." To prove his point, the man went and grabbed the tape measure out of his toolbox. First he measured the width of the grill then his wife's bottom. "Yep, just as thought. It really is as big as the grill." The wife got offended and stormed back into the house. Later that night, laying in bed, the husband started feeling frisky. He put his arm around hia wife and said "hey honey, what do ya say we fool around a little bit?". The wife turned to face him and said "Now why would I fire up this big ol' grill for one little weenie?".

5txbgj

[NSFW] Did you hear about the guy whose house was overrun with cats?

Apparently it was more pussy than he could handle.

5txbd0

I am going out with my valentine tonight

I wish I could post it on different sub

5txaon

I've been suffering from an extreme form of memory loss

alt-zheimers

5txagl

A distraught man goes to his doctor and says "Doc, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my butt!"

The doctor asks him to drop his pants and examines him. The man asks: "Doc, does it look serious?" The doctor replies: "Sorry to tell you, but it's just the tip of the iceberg."

5tx9do

Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

5tx93d

Did you hear about the hostage situation at the spice factory?

They used a cumin shield.

5tx8td

An Engineer Goes to Hell

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's going on? The Devil replies, "Things are great down here since you sent us that engineer." "What?? An engineer? I didn't send you one of those, that must have been a mistake. Send him back up right this minute." The Devil responds, "No way! We are going to keep our engineer. We like this guy." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

5tx887

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

5tx7rl

I first realized we were a poor family when on my birthday I asked for the new sweet iphone.

And got a candy apple.

5tx7im

If Harry Potter were about pirates:

"It's Levi-O-sARRRRRRR"

5tx7di

An American and a Chinese were arguing about which government was better

The American boasts, "clearly the American government is better. You can go to the white house with a megaphone and yell 'Trump sucks!' and you wouldn't even be arrested." The Chinese replied, "what of it? You can go to Tiananmen square and yell 'Trump sucks!' and you still wouldn't be arrested."

5tx607

When m'y girlfriend said let's not bother and do nothing this year for valentine's day

I agreed and realised way later that included sex

5tx604

It's hard to believe I can smoke five cigarettes on a two mile walk to work...

But it's not that I'm a chainsmoker, it's just the COPD makes me walk really slow.

5tx5ur

My wife told me "For Valentine's Day, nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace"

So I got her nothing.

5tx58b

US Politics are

Hillaryous.

5tx4yx

Women are time and money

Women = time • money Time is money Women = money^2 Money is the root of all evil Therefore Women = Evil

5tx4dz

What's a ninjas favorite drink?

WWWAAAATTTAAAAr...

5tx34v

A pecan walks into a library...

The librarian says, "so do you live in one of those little round houses? Pecan says, in a nutshell, yeah!

5tx274

I used to be a fan...

But now I'm just an air conditioner.

5tx20x

I was looking for the perfect Valentine's Day card when something caught my eye. One of the cards said "I love you and only you"

I know this doesn't sound strange but it was a pack of 20 cards

5tx1o9

My wife is very anti-kids and I finally got her to agree on how many kids we'll have

We're having two litters.

5tx1gz

Donald Trump makes the best deals.

Right now he's negotiating for a better interest rate on Daylight Savings Time.

5tx0ba

3 old ladies are sitting on a bus

The first one says - it's windy. Second one says - it's not Wednesday, it's Thursday. Third one says - yea, I'm thirsty too, we should buy something to drink.

5tx0au

You know your girlfriends a keeper

If she wears gloves, soccer jersey and cleats

5tx06v

I've never done drugs before.

I sidled up to the local drug dealer on the corner ... can I get an ounce of cocaine? look pal, I only sell grams! fuck it, give us an ounce of grams then!

5twzm5

Whats 12 inches long, purple and makes women scream in the middle of the night?

Crib death

5twzc8

I need help writing a BDSM joke.

I'm having trouble working out all the kinks.

5twxgc

Whats black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron

5twvwj

When did the man know it was time to dump his fat GF?

When he realized it just wasn't going to work out.

5twvdf

How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

She chews before she swallows.

5twvbp

So I'm dating this girl who has a twin sister, and one night I got confused

and ended up fucking her dad... :/

5twvb3

Roses are red Violets are blue

I’ve got genital warts soon you will too

5twufa

A couple are walking in St. Petersburg square on Christmas Eve.

They start to feel some light precipitation "I think it's raining" says the man "No it's snowing" replies the woman. "How about we ask this communist officer here?" "He is always right" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?" "Definitely raining" officer Rudolph replies before walking off. The man turns to his wife and says. "See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"

5twu7y

My girlfriend doesn't know any Metallica songs

She couldn't name One

5twtj4

I have an inferiority complex

but it's not a very good one.

5tws6c

Three types of boobs

A family was at the dinner table. The son asked his Father: "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?? Surprised, the father answered:"Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs" "In her 20's, a women's boobs are like Melons, round and firm." "In her 30's to 40's, they are like Pears, still nice but hanging a bit." "After 50, they are like Onions." Son: "Onions??" Father: "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This made his Wife and Daughter Mad, so the Daughter asked her Mom: "How many kinds of Penises are there?" The Mother smiled and said,"Well dear, a man goes through 3 phases." "In his 20's, his penis is like an Oak Tree, Mighty and Hard." "In his 30's and 40's, it is like a Birch, Flexible but Reliable." "After 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree." Daughter: "Christmas Tree??" Mom: "Yes, the Tree is Dead and the Balls are just For Decoration!!"

5tws5q

You know how you can cut wood just by looking at it?

You saw it. You saw it with your own two eyes.

5twrpv

3 nuns die and go to heaven...

They're greeted warmly by the big pearly gates. The welcoming angel is holding a big bowl of water. He asks the first nun - have you ever touched a man's penis? The first nun trembles and says yes, she touched a penis but only with her fingers. Dip your fingers into the holy water and you will be pure, instructs the angel. The nun dips her fingers in the water and is allowed through the big pearly gates. The angel turns to the second nun and asks - did you touch a man's penis? Before she could answer, the third nun blurts out - eww, I'm not drinking that water after it goes up her ass!

5twrk1

A nurse walks up to the Doctor

The nurse walks up to the doctor and asks... Doc, what are you doing? Doc says... I'm writing a prescription. Nurse says, but you're holding your thermometer. Doc looks at her and says God Damn it some asshole has my pen

5twqzh

I met a Soldier that survived Mustard Gas and Pepper spray

He was a seasoned Veteran

5twqm6

One snow day a mother is making brownies for her kids

She accidentally knocks her youngest son's jar of bb's into the brownie mix. She says "oh it'll be alright" Several hours after the brownies were done her youngest son comes to her with tears in his eyes and says "Mommy, when I was using the restroom I was peeing and something hard came out." She said "Oh it was just a BB, you'll be alright." Half an hour later she's cleaning and she hears sobbing coming from the bathroom, she sees her daughter and asks what's wrong. Her daughter says "I think I have kidney stones." The mom replies "oh it was just a BB, you'll be alright." Later that night she hears her oldest son laughing and says "Let me guess, you were peeing and a BB came out?" He says "No I was beating off and shot the dog!"

5twqis

A man is served whiskey on a flight

A man is served whiskey on a flight. The flight attendant asks the priest seated next to him, whether he would like a drink too? Priest: I would rather be raped by a dozen prostitutes than let liquor touch my lips The man returns the drink saying: Me too, I didn't know we had a choice...

5twqfa

A Chinese man is at a wedding

And he's approached by a Jewish man who is clearly very drunk and the Jewish man says to him, "Hey, I just wanted to let you know, I still blame YOU for Pearl Harbor." And the Chinese man says, "What are you even talking about, that was the Japanese, I'm Chinese." To which the Jewish man replies, "Chinese, Japanese, you all are the same to me." And he walks away. Well this upset the Chinese man a bit so he decided to get a few drinks in him to help him calm down and maybe forget about the incident altogether. And so the Chinese man proceeded to drink until the wedding was over and as he was walking out he saw the Jewish man who had upset him earlier and being as inebriated as he was he decided to say something. The Chinese man goes to Jewish man, "Hey Buddy, I just wanted to let you know that I still blame YOU for the Titanic." "The Titanic?" Said the Jewish man, "What are you even talking about, that was an iceberg?" And the Chinese man says with a smug smile on his face, "Goldberg, iceberg, you're all the same to me."

5twnq8

How do you castrate Vladimir Putin?

Kick Donald Trump in the chin.

5twna3

Why did the Ancient Egyptians build Great Pyramids?

Because their Great Igloos melted.

5twly8

Knock knock

KNOCKIN ON HEAVENS DOOOWUUUWAAAAAAA

5twl6q

What type of investment do chemists prefer?

They have an affinity for bonds.

5twl2f

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

D J Trump: Fake News!

5twk7e

What do you call a lesbian cavewoman?

A Troglodyke!

5twj6j

What did one boat say to the other?

Are you up for a little row-mance?

5twhrn

Colleagues

A female student walks down the street of a college town. She had a stressful day and is dying to smoke a cigarette, but her lighter simply won't work. Then she notices a few young women hanging out on street corner. She's shy, but eventually works up a courage to approach them. Out of nervousness she blurts out: **Dear colleagues, I was wondering if you had a light?** One of the women produces a lighter, and the student walks away, puffing away happily. The women watch her go, and finally one remarks: **Puts out once, and now we're "colleagues"...** Let the downvotes begin... ;)

5twh45

Trump is suing Male enhancement giant Viagra..

He says it's a rigged erection

5twgog

Michael Flynn bumps into Donald Trump

Pardon me.

5twghc

How do Mexicans feel about Trumps wall?

They're already over it.

5twg1j

an American and a Australian are in the trenches

the American asks: did you come here to die the Australian says back: no i came here yesterday

5twg0c

Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise?

"No". I thought not. It's not a story the jedi would tell you.

5twfqx

Communism.

Master race.

5twfn7

God, I wish that I’d used a condom now.

My wife walked in to the room when I was in the middle of a furious argument with our son. When he ran out of the room crying, I said to my wife, “God, I wish that I’d used a condom now.” My wife was aghast and said, “What! You mean you wish that our son had never been born?” I said, “No, I’ve got his girlfriend pregnant.”

5twfi9

I bought a dozen cup-cakes from a bakery.

I got them home, opened the box and thought... that's odd.

5twfhz

An Irish man walks into a builders merchant

He gets a tin of paint and puts it on the counter, then pays the cashier; the cashier asked if he'd like a bag for it. He says: "don't you worry, it's fine in the tin"

5twf3h

A Swede, an Icelander and a Norwegian end up shipwrecked on a deserted island.

One day, as they are scouring the beaches for firewood, they come across an old oil lamp, washed ashore. The Swede picks it up and wipes it gently with his shirt sleeve, clearing the sand and the dirt. Out pops a spirit. The spirit says: "I have been trapped inside that lamp for a millennium due to a magic spell. Finally I have been set free. As a token of my gratitude, I will grant you one wish each." The Swede states that he is fed up with that little island and he would like to go back to Trelleborg. Poof, the Swede is gone. Next up is the Norwegian. He says: "I agree. I want to go home too, back to Narvik." Poof, the Norwegian vanishes. Now only the Icelander is left. After some pondering, he makes his wish. "It's too lonely out here all by myself. I want my friends back!"

5twezr

I used to hate the ballet

Now I just watch like nobody's dancing.

5twevg

Did you hear about the kidnapping in the park the other day?

He woke up.

5tweor

After the death The Monkees' Davy Jones...

I'd like to offer mickydolenzes to his family.

5tweaw

What does Doc Brown say when he tastes good booze?

"Great scotch!"

5twdke

How do you find a blind guy at a nudist colony?

It's not hard...

5twdga

Trump & Trudeau

Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau were we discussing politics when Donald leans in close and says: Donald: You know Justin, if the US were a Dictatorship I would be a Dictator. Justin: Yea, I suppose so Donald. Donald: And you know if the US were a Monarchy I would be a Monarch. Justin: That's also true Don, but I hate to break it to you, the US is a Country.

5twbjv

In honor of Valentine's Day - what's better than a rose on a piano?

Tulips on an organ.

5twb5a

Twin sisters just turned 100 years old

Twin sisters just turned one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter," told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other. "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer. Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!" With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

5twavt

Have you ever gone out on a first date and she tells you she never sleeps with anyone until at least the third date?

That's just her way of getting two more dates out of you.

5twa7n

As a musician, I've learned the best way to win a Grammy...

...is to not release your music in the same year as Adele.

5twa2k

Life is like a diploma

My parents keep telling me to get one.

5tw99s

What do you call Adele's groupies?

The infadeles

5tw8w7

What do you call a person in love with a pie

Piesexual!

5tw83v

What do you get when you spell the word "man" backwards

Flashbacks

5tw7x9

Why did the white girl count by odds to ten?

Because she can't even

5tw6uz

I found a place where the recycling rate is 52%

Switzerland