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english_jokes

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5tz52q

I hate how you cant even say black paint anymore

Now I have to say "Leroy can you please paint the fence?"

5tz4dd

What's the difference between a Jew in Nazi Germany and pizza ?

Pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven . I'm so sorry.

5tz319

I recently went to America....

...and being there really helped me learn about American culture. So I visited a shop and as I was leaving, the Shopkeeper said "Have a nice day!" But I didn't so I sued him.

5tz2wj

Brian raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.”

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?” Brian raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.” Susan answers, “He’s in my heart.” Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, “He’s in our bathroom!” The teacher is surprised by this answer and asks Little Johnny how he knows this. “Well,” Little Johnny says, “every morning, my Dad gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'”

5tz1pc

You hear about the University book store worker who was charged for stealing $20,000 worth of books?

He got caught trying to sell the two books to a freshman.

5tz1o1

Why is it unknown on how pterodactyls urinate especially during flight?

Because the p is silent.

5tz0ef

Why women need legs?

To avoid leaving tracks like a snail while walking.

5tz04j

I walked into a PETA adoption center and the receptionist asked me what kind of dog I wanted

Apparently "Whatever's low in cholesterol" was not the right answer.

5tz02q

How did TV studios make words appear on screen before computers?

Character actors!

5tz02h

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You follow his fresh prints.

5tyzxh

Remember when you were a kid and when you cried your parents said, "I'll give you a reason to cry"?

I always thought they were gunna hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

5tyzx4

Remember, you can't spell Valentine's Day without...

... Anal Destiny.

5tyze2

Happy try not to jump off a bridge day!

Oh and it's also Valentines day

5tyytx

My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?"

I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."

5tyyo2

If I get a bird I'm naming it Trump

cuz all they do is Tweet

5tyxrb

I was going to get a headjob for Valentines Day

But my back was sore and I couldn't reach.

5tyx6v

A mother went into a coma after giving birth to twins

When she woke up after 6 months and 3 days, the doctor told the mother: "While you were in a coma, we had your brother name your children. One is a boy, one is a girl." The mother, with a disappointed and angry look on her face told the doctor: "Why my brother? That guy is an idiot. So what did he name them?" The mother, expecting hideous names, prepared herself. "The girl, was named Denise." The mother thought, "Hey that wasn't so bad. What about my boy?" The doctor said, "Denephew".

5tywci

What do you call an exercise machine with a strobe light?

An epileptical.

5tyt6c

My dad has a heart of a lion

...and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

5tyqqw

Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork.

But the bigger, heavier ones are delivered by a crane.

5tyqqi

A monkey is getting stoned in a zoo...

Welcome to India

5tyqag

I've translated a popular Russian joke to English , wanna hear you reaction ))

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you." "What happened?" The father asks. "Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' " "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school "Dad, have you gone by the school?" He asks. "Not yet." "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. The boy explains, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?" "Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father. "That's what I said" replied the boy.

5tymmf

What did the mommy bean say to her son when he asked for money?

I dont have any, go ask your fava

5tymff

When You Break Up At 11:59 Tonight

And save $300 instantly.

5tylhy

I wanted to buy an Audi.

But I can't A4'd it.

5tyl5a

I'm Trying to Remember The Name of A Song

It's about a girl with amnesia talking to her Grandmother. The lyrics are "Oh, Nana, What's My Name?"

5tykxd

What are minorities?

Lesser people.

5tyk3b

Did you hear that Donald Trump is technically a plant?

Because all of his cells have built a wall.

5tyj4u

i had trouble swallowing a viagra last night

my neck was stiff for 4 hours

5tyii8

What is the king of all school supplies?

The Ruler

5tygzy

A rugby player was hurt very badly during a scrum and he had both of his ears ripped off...

Since he was permanently disfigured, he decided to give up playing rugby for good. His club and insurance company ensured that a large sum of money went his way. One day, he decided to invest his money in a small but growing sportswear business. He bought the company outright but after signing on the dotted line, realized that he knew nothing about business. He decided to employ someone to run the shop. The next day he set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very enthusiastic. At the end of the interview, the former rugby player asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” And the man replied, “Why, yes, I couldn’t help noticing you have no ears.” The rugby player got angry and threw him out. The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” She replied: “Well, you have no ears.” He got upset again and showed her the door. The third and last interview was with the best of the three. He was a very young man fresh out of college. He was smart and handsome and seemed to know all about the sportswear business. The rugby player was anxious, but went ahead and asked him the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?” To his surprise the young man answered: “Yes, you wear contact lenses.” The former rugby player was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man you are. How in the world did you know that?” The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no flipping ears!”

5tygyu

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female !!

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box. She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”

5tygq5

A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”

A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!” The doctor replied, “Show me.” So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again. She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”

5tyfyh

Why did the producers of 007 films use government debt to fund their newest film?

Because interest in the Bond is so low.

5tyfoj

Pocket empty day !

Happy pocket empty day.

5tyf21

I want to see that new movie coming out with Scarlett Johannson…

…but she probably isn't available.

5tyezd

Man gets lost in the desert.

He has no compass and he has lost his sense of direction. Suddenly he sees a caravan on the horizon. He jumps, shouts and waves his arms to get their attention, and, oh joy, they notice him and move in his direction. But his happiness is short lived, as the travelers turn out to be mean and sadistic. They rough him up, and then bury him in the sand with only his head above the surface. He grimly contemplates whether he'll die of sun stroke, dehydration or from attack of some savage beast. Suddenly, a lone traveler appears in front of him and inquires about his predicament. **You see, first I got lost, without a compass and provisions. Then I encountered these sadists, who beaten me up, bury me this way and left... Can you believe such behavior?** **Tsk, tsk...** says the traveler, as he puts his foot on top of the man's head and pushes it under the surface **Amateurs, such amateurs...**

5tyess

Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese Girl?

You have to drop the Bomb twice before she gets the Message.

5tyegn

Site of the 2017 Dane county massacre.

All that is left after tens of snowmen were brutally melted on this spot by a massive indifferent ball of fire.

5tyef7

He fucked what?

A small child asks his father: Boy: Dad, where did I come from? Dad: The Stork, son. Boy: what's wrong with you dad? Your wife is so gorgeous yet you're out fucking The Stork?

5tyeec

My wife wants to eat somewhere shes never eaten before for V-Day

I told her she should try the kitchen

5tydto

I was offered sex with a 21 yr old today

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

5tydjg

3 women talk

"The other day I touched my husband's balls and realized that they are cold. Never noticed before!" - says the first. Next day the second woman tells to the others: "That's true! I touched my husband's balls and they are also cold. It's curious." Next day the third woman appears with her eye blacked. "What happened?" - her friends wonder. "Well, I touched my husband's balls and then asked him why his balls are warm but all other men have them cold."

5tydi6

There are two types of people

The ones who bang on the wall, And the ones who bang on the wall because I'm banging my girlfriend on the wall

5tyd57

Why did the computer squeak?

Someone stepped on its mouse.

5tycln

i found a place where the recycling rate is 98%.

Your moms bed.

5tybk6

Valentine's day fights

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started.... My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a weighing scale. And then the fight started.... When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So I took her to a petrol pump. And then the fight started.... My wife was standing & looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, 'I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to give me a compliment." I replied, "Your eyesight is perfect." And then the fight started.... I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I've not been in a long time." So I took her to my parents' house. And then the fight started....

5tybdq

I feel so bad for the necrophiliac's sister

She died a virgin but she sure wasn't buried one

5tybdd

What's the difference between you and a Calendar?

A Calendar has a date on Valentine's day.

5tyanf

Julian Lennon messed up breakfast

He tried to make eggs. He broke the yoke. Yoke! Oh! Oh no!

5tyajc

A guy calls home

'Hello!?' 'Hey! Honey, you wouldn't believe the day I'm having right now, I lost my phone!' 'Hello, I'm not your wife, I'm Cecelia, your new maid!' 'Oh! That's great! Welcome! I'm having a crazy day right now, can you please hand the phone to my wife?' 'I would but she just locked her room and went in with another man!' 'What!! That's a disaster! As if this day wouldn't get worse!! All these years, all this love for this day! I can't bear this anymore' 'I'm really sorry to hear that!' 'Don't be sorry, it's not your fault! I need a moment to think but time is running out! Do one thing... In the drawer below the phone there's a gun!' 'What!! I won't do anything stupid!!' 'No.. You don't understand.. I'm very rich and powerful.. No one can touch you and I'll pay you a million!' 'But...' 'I'll pay you two million but you have to be quick about it, he shouldn't get away!' 'Okay..' Cecelia steps away and there are two bangs that are heard. 'I've done it' 'Excellent! Now throw the bodies in the empty pool at the back and I'll take care of them when I get back' 'What pool!???' 'Umm.. Is this 852236709?'

5tyabb

I found a place where the recycling rate is 100%

This post.

5ty9jc

Roses are gray. Violets are gray.

I'm a dog. Happy Valentine's Day!

5ty9am

I hear the Mexicans are planning an attack on America

Don't worry, we have our Trump card.

5ty7fl

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said thank you. I said don't mention it.

5ty56m

You're laughing because I'm laughing.

But I'm laughing braces I just farted.

5ty3r5

This guy proposed to his wife after walking away from a terrible car accident without a scratch. He said "Life's too short and it can end at any time."

She said "Honey, we've been married for 7 years. I think you have amnesia."

5ty39a

TIL you can drink lava

But only once

5ty36v

First woman on mars.

Houston we have a problem...OK what is it? If you don't know already I am not going to tell you. You wouldn't understand.

5ty2u6

Recipe idea: rosemary and thyme lamb, without the thyme.

I give you, "The Lamb That Thyme Forgot"

5ty2qy

What are the two most common names of Mexican fire-fighter?

José and Hose B.

5ty263

Ice Cube was asked if there was a rock band from the 80's of which he would have sex with all the members of...

... and he said "Fuck the Police"

5ty1st

Bad Advertisement

Apparently using the words "Never opened" is no good, when trying to sell a parachute..

5ty14u

Roses are red.

Cacti are thorny I just can't help that You make me horny

5ty0wy

So Seamus and Mary are an elderly couple

And they are very private. Ever since they were young they wouldn't talk about sex publicly, but instead developed a code phrase: Doing a load of laundry. One night they are out at the pub, having a couple drinks, and Seamus turns to Mary and asks "D'ya fancy going home and doing a load of laundry?" Mary looks at Seamus and says "you know that sounds lovely. Let's do." They finish their drinks and head home together. At home they are sitting in front of the fire, Seamus smoking his pipe and Mary with her knitting. Seamus asks "Mary? D'ya still fancy that load of laundry?" Mary looks at Seamus and says "aye I do, I really do. Let me just finish my knitting." So Seamus gets up and heads to the bed room. Mary keeps knitting and forgets all about Seamus. After an hour she realizes she forgot and jumps up and rushes to the bedroom. "Seamus?" Mary asks, "D'ya still fancy doing a load of laundry?" From under the covers Seamus replies "Y'know, Mary, it was a small load, so I did it by hand."

5txziy

These reports of a major snowstorm hitting the Northeast don't concern me.

It's all just flake news.

5txzbr

Why do you ask?

A young Native American boy goes up to the chief of his tribe and asks "Chief, how did we get our names?" The Chief looked at the boy and said "Oh, that's simple. All parents in our tribe named their children after something that was occurring during their birth. For example, Snowflake was born during a great blizzard. Ember was born during a raging wildfire. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

5txyle

Those ads actually ran.

Yep, that's the joke. Funny how reality has become a joke.

5txxuo

There's a bizarre black-market concession stand in North America which sells only human body parts

Customers who wish to purchase an item must use code-phrases to avoid the authorities' suspicion. One night a blind man stops by the stand. "What would you like to purchase today?" asks the cashier. "Oh, nothing" the blind man says, "I was just *looking* around!" An few hours later, a deaf man approaches the stand. The cashier realizes he can't hear him, and uses sign-language to ask what he'd like to purchase. "Well, I *heard* you guys are having a sale!" the deaf man states with a wink and a nudge. Finally, just before that night's closing time, a muscular man with no apparent disability walks up to the stand. The cashier asks what he'd like to purchase. "I don't know ... I heard you guys sold *cherries*!" the man states with a look of subtle expectation. The cashier, despite going through his mental checklist of code-phrases, has no idea what he wants. "I'm sorry, we've sold-out on that item." the cashier says with a puzzled stare. "Ah *motherfucking* christ!" the man screams in pseudo-frustration. However, the cashier just stands there with an agitated face. The customer, realizing his attempts aren't getting through to the employee, tries a different approach. "Well, that's a darn shame!" he continues. "And I travelled across the entire *count-*" The man coughs. "-ry to get here!"

5txxsu

Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today

Should have cooked it on aloha temperature

5txxq7

Why is the camel called the ship of the desert?

Because its full of Arab semen.

5txwsv

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it...

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

5txvq7

What does a women say after having 3 orgasms in a row?

Yeah I figured you wouldn't know.

5txvd6

The towns being evacuated under the Oroville Dam all voted Pro-Trump.

Clearly those people love to live in constant fear of disaster.

5txv65

A Man Gets Really Drunk

A man gets really drunk at a bar and asks the bartender for the bathroom. The bartender points to the bathroom and the man complains about having to take a serious shit and runs towards it. A few minutes later the man screams in agony, stops, then screams again. The bartender goes to check it out and yells to the man, "What the hell is going on?" "Everytime I press the lever, I feel like my balls are getting crushed!" the drunk yells. "You drunk bastard," the bartender replies, "you're sitting on the mop strainer again!"

5txurc

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

I don't know... but the flag is a big plus. 🇩🇰

5txuaa

Did you hear about Leatherface's jewish cousin?

He was also a serial killer. He liked to dig up the corpses of women and use their skin to furnish his house. After the police arrested him they discovered a whole morbid collection of objects. He had a belt made out of ears, a lampshade made from stitched together faces, they even found a labia menora.

5txu52

A milestone

Is one mile closer to the stone.

5txtyd

I floss religiously.

I do it on Christmas and Easter.

5txtk8

I used to think everyone on 4chan was a virgin,

But this Guy Fawkes.

5txte1

What part of the house got busted for drugs?

The attic

5txsm2

Manager : So do you think you'd be a good waiter?

Me : well, you could say I bring a lot to the table.

5txs4x

An optometrist asks a woman out on a date

I have a couple of ideas: 1: Dinner 2: Movies 1 or 2? 1.. 2..? 1..... or 2?

5txs3z

Did you hear about the Chinese godfather?

He made him an offer he couldn't understand.

5txrfd

A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar

The bartender sighs and says; "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"

5txrcr

How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

A Brazilian.

5txr27

Scientists have been trying to talk to dolphins for years.

One day it just clicked.

5txpo9

They say only men and lesbians can be funny...

Must be something in the pussy they're eating

5txomv

What’s long and hard and full of semen?

A Submarine.

5txoil

Dad, how do you know if someone is drunk?

Dad: Look son, you see those two people walking by?, if I had seen 4, I would've been drunk. Son: But dad, there's only one person.

5txohj

Why did the scientist install a knocker on his/her door?

He/she wanted to win the no-bell prize.

5txnv8

A man is shopping for cattle in 1886...

He finally settles on a perfect Black Angus bull. He says to the owner "Here's the money. I need to send a message to my wife to come pick up the bull. She already knows where I am but I need her to come pick him up now before it gets dark. Where can a fella send a telegram?" The owner tells him that he has a machine but it is $100 a word. "That's outrageous! I only have $100." The owner says to him "Better make it good then." The man thinks for a few minutes and plops down the cash. "Send her this word: Comfortable." The owner of the bull looks confused and asks "How will that tell her anything?" To which the man replies "Well my wife can barely read, so she'll just read it reeeeeeal slow."

5txnr5

I thought of the first Fleshlight

As it turns out it already existed but i came to it on my own

5txnqz

Doctor, are you sure he was Dead?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. z PS. This is actual testimony from a trial...........

5txn3n

Why are the dinosaurs afraid of Gordon Ramsey?

He took a bite from one of his prey and complained that it was "FUCKING RAAAAAAWWWWW!"

5txmyo

A lot of women turn into great drivers...

So if you're a great driver, look out for women who are turning.

5txmlh

Valentines Day Flowers

Blonde #1: Oh how I hate when he brings me flowers. All night I'll be on my back with my legs in the air. Blonde #2: Don't you own a vase?

5txm9l

#1 Uconn women's team going for historic 100th consecutive team in a sold out stadium against #6 South Carolina

Espn2

5txluy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

5txlkj

Did you hear the outrage over the rapist getting four years?

And he gets to live in the White House to boot!