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<s>[INST] I have been diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder due to my military experiences. Not a year ago, I had a car accident. Could this experience add more problems? [/INST] Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can occur after any traumatic event where a real and present threat of harm or loss of life to yourself or others is present. Yes, a car accident could increase PTSD symptoms such as hyper-vigilance, anxiety, nightmares, re-playing the event, etc. Depending on the severity of the accident new triggers might exist. This is not to say that you cannot recover. Are you currently experiencing additional trauma symptoms? </s>

<s>[INST] I have PTSD. The side effects are really bad and have impacts on sex, anger and my relationships. I even lost my job month ago. How can I get my life back? [/INST] This is a great question. PTSD can be very complex and debilitating. It must be very difficult for you at this time.When we feel complex emotions such as anger, frustration, and possibly low-self worth, the tendency is to try to avoid or suppressthese emotions. The more you avoid them, the more these emotions will express themselves, and at the worst times. This may be why your PTSD symptoms are harming your relationships and your job status.To help you get your life back, it is important to process your emotions with a counselor that has specific training in trauma-informed interventions. To process emotions, you start by inviting them in, observe them with compassion and without judgment. When we observe our emotions, it starts the healing process because we separateourselves from them.Remember, thoughts and emotions are constructed. You are not your thoughts, nor your emotions. They are messengers telling you to pay attention to them. The more we avoid the messengers, the louder they get, to the point that they are crippling you in more than one way.I hope this helps you begin your change process. For more information, please here is a link to a trauma post on my blog The Wisdom Room.Please reach out for help. And contact mewith any questions.Sincerely~ Catherine ClevelandCleveland Emotional Health </s>

<s>[INST] I have PTSD. The side effects are really bad and have impacts on sex, anger and my relationships. I even lost my job month ago. How can I get my life back? [/INST] Your feeling overwhelmed by emotion and finding it difficult to trust people. This can be a really scary feeling. It is a common reaction for individuals who have endured a traumatic experience. Often, the aftermath of a trauma can leave people feeling constantly on guard, panicky, depressed, isolated, and riddled with nightmares and intrusive thoughts of the incident. And while the signs and symptoms can feel complex and at times overwhelming, feeling better is more than possible. Give yourself credit for the courage that it takes to reach out. With trauma therapy, I would expect you will begin feeling better as we implement a compassionate and client-focused evidenced -based approach together.I've helped countless people to gain positive ground over their traumatic experiences in a safe, supportive environment. I offer a variety of evidenced based traditional therapies as well as holistic modalities to best support you on the path to healing. We will work together as allies in your treatment. It would be an honor to work with you. </s>

<s>[INST] I have PTSD. The side effects are really bad and have impacts on sex, anger and my relationships. I even lost my job month ago. How can I get my life back? [/INST] Slowly is the rate at which you'll get back your life.Being traumatized means not feeling safe in almost all areas of life.Be patient with yourself as you try to regain trust that people will not harm you and will be sources of satisfaction in your life.It is possible that the trauma in your life requires such great attention on your part to your own inner emotional safety that you are better off with a less intensive job than the one you recently lost.Try to prioritize restoring your emotional and psychological health. With this as the top area of your attention then you may have an easier time to accept a lesser degree of involvement in your work and relationships.When you feel angry, try to examine if underlying the anger are feelings of stress, fear, insecurity regarding your position in relationship to the person toward whom you feel angry. Anger is often the surface reaction to more destabilizing emotions like fear and insecurity.Gradually by nurturing and comforting yourself, living at a pace which is uniquely comfortable to what and how much you can handle, you'll regain your trust in both yourself and relating to others. </s>

<s>[INST] I have PTSD. The side effects are really bad and have impacts on sex, anger and my relationships. I even lost my job month ago. How can I get my life back? [/INST] It is brave of you tospeak out, PTSD is not a joke and it can quickly take atoll on all aspect of life. Please, know that you are not alone and with the right help you can overcome these challenges.Living with PTSD can be very emotionally exhausting, but you can learn ways to cope with its challenges and findfulfillment in your life again. This means being proactively involved with the process, learning about the problem and positive ways to manage it can be a good start. This can also mean seeking professional help. It is important to address the problem both at thephysiological and psychological level, this can mean using medication that is prescribed by aMDto reduce the intensity symptoms and also working with an experiencedlicensed professional. Having healthy life habits such as good sleep hygiene, healthy diet, staying away from self-medicating with drugs and alcohol, and exercising can help reduce the intensity of the symptoms as well. Please, consult with a licensed professional close to you to get more information on resources you can possibly find helpful to you. </s>

<s>[INST] I have PTSD. The side effects are really bad and have impacts on sex, anger and my relationships. I even lost my job month ago. How can I get my life back? [/INST] Hi there,I hear you, PTSD has a verydebilitating effect on your whole life. I know that from personal experience. Recovering from it is possible and doable!First is step is to acknowledge to yourself that your PTSD symptoms are a normal reaction to an abnormal and traumatic event. The nightmares, the anxiety, the heightened startle response - are all typical human responses following exposure to a frightening event. It's important that you don't blame yourself or your body for reacting this way, rather approach yourself withcompassionand kindness that you would extend afriendwho is hurting.The secondstep is to start taking steps towards healing. I would really encourage you to see a counselor or therapist specializing in trauma recovery so that you have a guided, step by step support. But if this is not an option, you can begin your healing on your own using a step-by-step approach outlined in the book, Healing Trauma, by Peter Levin. It's a very hands-on book and even comes with a CD audio guide. It has concrete exercises that you can do to help you eliminate dissociation, feel grounded, and decrease your anxiety response. I have used myself and with my clients with great success!You can begin your recovery journey now with this video with Peter Levin's approach to Trauma Recovery:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmJDkzDMllcOne last thing, I suggest consulting with a nutritionist or a doctor to help you boost your healing with supplements, vitamins, and minerals. The stress from PTSD is very draining on the body, and you use up a lot of energy and resources, so at times of trauma supplements are quite necessary for recovery (Magnesium, Omega 3, Zinc, Vitamin C....etc) </s>

<s>[INST] Every time my partner gets angry for anything, she takes it out on me. Nothing I do is right, and once she's mad, she calls me all kinds of names and is verbally abusive. She says it isnt abuse, its just angry verbal bashing, and that its different. It gets worse each time. The names are very vulgar now. [/INST] Im glad that you are reaching out for help. What you are going though sounds overwhelming and exhausting. Here is a link that talks about the signs of an abuse relationship if you are questioning whether or not you are experiencing an abusive relationshiphttps://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htmThis maybe a lot of information to take in so if you feel overwhelmed I would encourage you to talk to a therapist. Also every state has a domestic non-profit that can assist you with support or resources. If you are struggling to find one in your area I can help you. They can help you safety plan and give additional information that might be of assistance. In abusive relationships, unfortunately there is nothing you can do to change your partners behavior. It is up to her to make that decision. A lot of time in abusive relationships asserting your boundaries can put you at risk for more abuse. I would encourage you to use your gut in this situation because you know your relationship better then anyone else. The best thing for you to do is to keep yourself emotionally and physically safe. I would encourage against couples counseling because it can also become unsafe in an abusive relationship. You are making a big step in looking for help. </s>

<s>[INST] Every time my partner gets angry for anything, she takes it out on me. Nothing I do is right, and once she's mad, she calls me all kinds of names and is verbally abusive. She says it isnt abuse, its just angry verbal bashing, and that its different. It gets worse each time. The names are very vulgar now. [/INST] Ultimately it is only your partner who can decide whether to stop name calling or not.I would take very seriously that she doesn't show any willingness to hear and understand your point of view.In a relationship in which one person claims the right to verbally abuse the other, there isn't much genuine care and trust going on at all.It is never safe to open your heart to her since you can't tell in advance if you'll be treated with kindness or bashing.Think seriously how possible it is for you to enjoy your relationship if your partner is unwilling to accommodate your feelings.If the two of you are unable to agree on terms or discuss the problem as a mutual one, not just your problem, then you may wish to withdraw from the relationship. </s>

<s>[INST] Every time my partner gets angry for anything, she takes it out on me. Nothing I do is right, and once she's mad, she calls me all kinds of names and is verbally abusive. She says it isnt abuse, its just angry verbal bashing, and that its different. It gets worse each time. The names are very vulgar now. [/INST] One thing you could try is to talk to your partner when she's not angry about the following:If she's angry, maybe she can talk with you about what she is angry about rather than calling you names.If she gets angry and then calms down a little while later, maybe one of you can take a timeout in the discussion and set a time when you will come back to it.Discuss what it is that you find acceptable for you to do during an argumentDiscuss what it is that you find unacceptable for you to do during an argumentDiscuss what is acceptable for her to do during an argumentDiscuss what is on acceptable for her to do during an argumentYour partner can answer the same questions related to herself and you.I can't emphasize enough how important it is to have this discussion when there is not an argument going on. Perhaps you could mention that you would like to talk about something that is really important and see if the current time is a good time. If not, consider when in the next 24 to 48 hours would be a good time.It may also be helpful to discuss these ideas with a local therapist. The therapist may also be able to help both of you figure out where the anger is coming from and where she has learned to react this way.If it is abuse, it may be even more difficult to have these important discussions. It may be helpful for you to see a local therapist by yourself to assess things like physical and emotional safety. </s>

<s>[INST] My friends husband is bipolar and refuses to take medication for it. He has taken the wheels off her vehicle before to prevent her from leaving. He has held her a prisoner in her home. He has choked her, hit her, etc. She has almost divorced him a couple of times but always makes up with him, thinking that he is going to change. She and I went to a wedding out of town in September of 2014, and ever since she has been back, he is convinced that she cheated on him while we were gone. Now he is saying that I have also cheated on my boyfriend and has come to my house and told my boyfriend this. [/INST] Im glad that you are seeking help and that you are supporting your friend. Im sure this is all overwhelming and frustrating for you. The biggest thing you can do for your friend is to be supportive as you are already doing. Unfortunately there isnt much you can do for her outside of that because it is up to her husband to change and up to your friend if she wants to leave. There are things you can do to support more: it might be helpful for her to have some information on a domestic violence non profit in her area because they can assist her in many areas if she wants to leave. They can also provide you with support while you go through this with her. The nonprofit can also safety plan with her and it might be helpful for you to do it with her if you want to. Another thing you can do is support her in decision to stay with her husband or not despite what she decides. Many victims decide to stay with thier abusive partner for many reasons. It is important to support her decisions, even if you dont agree with them, because she may have very little decision making in her relationship. I would also encourage you to make sure you are taking care of yourself while you support her so you are not becoming too overwhelmed.Here is some info that might be helpful to you.https://abuseintervention.org/sandbox77/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/How-to-Help-a-Loved-One.pdf </s>

<s>[INST] I have an emotionally abusive relationship. We have been together for a year and a half. He got out of prison exactly a year ago and a half ago, and we have a infant. I love my boyfriend, and I don't want to leave without fighting for this first. He's an emotionally disconnected person. We never say I love you to each other. Every fight is worse than the last one, and I don't know what to do. He doesn't let me speak because he's louder than me, and that makes me feel frustrated. I have another problem: English is my second language. I pay half of the bills, and every time I want to speak to him, he kicks me out of the house. He apologizes sometimes. I feel like I'm the only one fighting for this. He agreed to have counseling. [/INST] Im glad that you are reaching out for help. All of this sounds overwhelming and confusing. All of what you discribed is common in an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, there isnt anything you can do that will change his behavior. He has to make that decision for himself. It is difficult for abusers to do this because they have to admit that thier behavior is fully thier responsibility. Abusers, a lot of times, will say theyre sorry or make promises to change and then turn around and become abusive again. I would strongly discourage any couples counseling because in an abusive relationship this can become very dangerous for the victim. Individual therapy for both of you you be a safer rout. I would also encourage you to reach out to a domestic violence non profit near you because they can help you safety plan and provide counseling if you want it. Here is some information on the cycle of violence that might be helpful for you http://www.bfwc.org/pdf/Cycle%20of%20Violence.pdfI hope you are safe and I wish you the best. </s>

<s>[INST] He is verbally abusive. When he gets mad, he just yells at me. At times, I feel scared. [/INST] Im sorry you are experiencing this and Im glad that you are looking for help and support. Im not sure of all the details so take from answer what you can. If you are feeling unsafe or scared in your relationship please know that there are non profit domestic violence services that can help and provide you some more support. They can also safely plan with you if you choose to leave. It seems that you might be feeling defeated and if thats the case a lot of domestic violence non profits provide free counseling if you are needing to talk to someone. What you are going through can be overwhelming and your are taking the right steps toward healing </s>

<s>[INST] He is verbally abusive. When he gets mad, he just yells at me. At times, I feel scared. [/INST] Good for you on recognizing your own feelings. Often in an abusive relationship, the person who is being abused, starts doubting themselves and starts tolerating, then accepting abuse.Marriage is based in love and feeling taken care of by the partner. Feeling scared is the opposite of this.If you feel ready, tell him the way you feel and pay attention to how willing your husband is to being aware that he yells and that you feel scared.If he has no idea of what you're talking about, doesn't want to understand what you feel, then slowly take steps to understand within yourself whether or not tolerating your husband's behavior is acceptable to live with on an everyday basis. </s>

<s>[INST] My kids dad and I broke up two years ago. He still wants me back, and I just started to fall for him again. But our kids are with Child Protective Services: thats why we broke up. He started to talk to other women, and he put his hands on me. [/INST] What you are experiencing is common with survivors of abusive relationships. Even abusive relationships have positive moments in them and typically for survivors those are things they still love and care about of the abuser. A lot of it could also be grief over the loss of the relationship and also your children. A lot of time people return to thier abuser because thats the only support that they have. If this is something you are going through I would encourage you to seek out a domestic violence non profit in your area because they can provide you with additional support. I dont know the whole situation but keep in mind that abusers will make promises and say what they think the other person wants to hear to get them to return. Attached is an example of what I am talking about:http://www.bfwc.org/pdf/Cycle%20of%20Violence.pdfBased on what you decide I would encourage you to keep caution and boundaries. It might be helpful to safety plan with a domestic violence non profit. </s>

<s>[INST] I'm in college currently, so I am not a direct victim anymore. My father is very abusive with his words and actions, and my siblings are getting treated horribly. [/INST] Yes you can help! Emotional and verbal abuse can cause a negative impact in your family. It is important that you encourage your siblings to seek assistance with a therapist, and maybe help them find one, they should have school counselors available and if not our college counselor may help you to get referrals. Its also a good idea to talk to your mom about the issue and ask her if she would like help as well. If you are concerned about your siblings' safety, contact Family Protective Services in your state, they will investigate and refer your father to classes or therapy as needed. It takes courage to do the right thing, you can do this!Hay algo que pueda hacer para ayudar a mis hermanos a escapar de nuestro emocionalmente abusivo padre?Actualmente estoy en la universidad, as que no soy victima directamente. Mi padre es muy abusivo con sus palabras y acciones, y trata a mis hermanos horriblemente.Tu si puedes ayudar! El abuso emocional y verbal puede causar daos graves en la familia. Es importante que motives a tus hermanos a visitar e incluso encontrar a un terapista, la escuela debe tener uno disponible, y tambin puedes pedirle referidos a tu Consejero universitario. Tambin es buena idea que hables con tu mama al respecto y le preguntes si a ella le gustara buscar ayuda. Si te preocupa la seguridad de tus hermanos, contacta a el Departamento de Proteccin a la Familia en tu estado para reportar el abuso. Ellos investigaran y determinaran si el hogar es un ambiente seguro par tus hermanos y recomendaran terapia o clases para tu papa. Hay que ser valiente para hacer lo correcto, t puedes hacerlo! </s>

<s>[INST] I am a survivor of domestic violence from a past relationship. Even after seven years, I still have horrible nightmares. I wake up in sweat, and the dreams feel so real. [/INST] Nightmare are actually very common for survivors of domestic violence. If they are affecting you the the point where you feel like you need to do something, you may want to consider processing your memories of the events with a trained trauma therapist. Another good option, may be to attend a support group for survivors where you could process your memories in a safe space where others will be able to provide support and understanding for what you went through as well as encouragement for the strength it took you to get out of that relationship. You may also want to consider completing a screening or assessment to rule out post-traumatic stress disorder as well. </s>

<s>[INST] I am a survivor of domestic violence from a past relationship. Even after seven years, I still have horrible nightmares. I wake up in sweat, and the dreams feel so real. [/INST] Hello, and thank you for your question. First things first, I am so glad that you are alive and very sorry that you had to endure such a terrible experience. Now, let's talk about these nightmares. The first thing I want to tell you is that you are NOT losing your mind. Many people start to think that may be the case if they are still suffering from the affects of something that happened a long time ago. That's not the case. There is no time set time for which we should be "over" something like this. I am not sure if you received counseling after what happened to you, but that may be something to consider. Bad nightmares could be the sign of something like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which would include other symptoms like being startled easily, re-experiencing the event, or avoiding places that remind you of it. There are other symptoms, as well, so if you believe this may be something you have you may want to seek counseling. There are good treatments for PTSD. If you cannot seek counselingat this time, there are some things you can do to try to manage the dreams on your own. I would encourage you to look up "sleepy hygiene" and try to make your bedtime rituals as relaxing as possible. You can also Google search "Nightmare re-scripting" or "Nightmare Exposure" and get some ideas on how you may be able to change your dreams. It may be a good idea to attend a domestic violence support group and get ideas from other survivors who no doubt have had sleep problems related to their experiences, too. Hope this was helpful. Be well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC </s>

<s>[INST] After a domestic abuse situation, I went to a therapist, and then my husband went. The therapist discussed her assessment of borderline personality disorder with me. She then told my abuser the results of my tests. [/INST] It sounds like it may have been a violation of confidentiality for your therapist to disclose information about you without your permission. There are some exceptions to the general rule of confidentiality however. For example, when a therapist has a reasonable concern that a client (or someone else) is in imminent danger, he or she is generally allowed to disclose confidential information to protect that person.If you believe your counselor has violated your confidentiality, you can always contact your states' counseling regulatiory board. The boardwill then investigate the allegations and can take appropriate action. </s>

<s>[INST] My husband and I have been together for seven years now. I will be honest: I have a problem lying to him about stupid stuff. I recently stupidly lied to my husband about an accident because I was afraid to tell him what happened. Ever since then, he gives me the cold shoulder. He gets so mad and ignores me for days. He's really verbally and emotionally abusive. He tells me all the bad things about me and calls me awful names. Should we call it quits? I'm tired of crying, but we have a toddler together. [/INST] Hi Texas, Thanks for your honesty; it helps me know where to go in answering you. What strikes me in your question is that you describe several ways in which your husband is hurtful/abusive/controlling with you, and then you ask "Should we call it quits?". We? I wonder if maybe the first step is for you to start seeing this decision as yours, rather than yours together.The way your husband treats you is not your fault, Texas. Your lies are a natural and normal way of you avoiding situations and encounters that feel unsafe for you. The problem is not your lying. The problem is that you don't feel safe enough to be honest with a person you're supposed to be able to trust.There's an analogy that I sometimes use; I don't know if this is scientifically true or simply a useful story, but it's powerful either way, so I will tell it to you.If you take a frog and drop it into a pot of boiling water, the frog will jump out immediately, knowing instinctively that if it stays in the pot, it will die. If you take a frog, however, and put it in a pot of cold water, and slowly, slowly, heat it to boiling, the frog will boil to death because it will fail to recognise the moment when it no longer has the energy to jump out of the pot; by the time it realises it's dying, it has lost its strength.It's called "learned helplessness". When your power or your voice has been taken away for a long time, you get used to that, and you fail to see the options that are available to you.You have a toddler, and you may be under the impression that staying in the marriage is best for the child. In my experience, and what research backs up, is that children first and foremost need a safe environment and parents who are happy. You are likely underestimating the effects on your child of living in a home with woman abuse.This is a complex picture, and if you were my client, I would want to get you to a stronger place emotionally where you're seeing the situation clearly and gathering resources and supports before you make any big decisions, but I do see that there are decisions that are there for you to make that can lead to a happy life for you and your child.I sincerely hope you seek professional help, with either a shelter for abused women or a therapist. I wish you the best. </s>

<s>[INST] My boyfriend and I have been together for five years now. Throughout the entire first day that we met, he and I had the opportunity to interact quite a lot and instantly sparked a deep connection with one another. That same night, he and a friend stayed over at my house (without my mom's acknowledgment) and we kissed. The next two days were a repetition of the first day. On the third night, my mother finally caught us, and I was kicked out of my house. I left with him of course, and we went from meeting each other to being like a married couple. It was very hard for us. His stepdad also kicked him out of his home, and we were staying at cheap hotels and friend's houses with the little money we had. I quit my job and dropped out of school because it was hard to do anything without a stable home. There were times when we had nowhere else to go but sleep in the car outside a Walmart parking lot. Our honeymoon stage, as they call it, probably only lasted one month. After that, it was a downward spiral. We were constantly arguing about money, food, and our families. We kept having the famous "you're doing it wrongdo it this way" argument. After six months, we moved across the country only to live the same thing, and that's when the violence started. One afternoon, after a serious argument, he got into his truck and threatened to leave me. I was frightened that he would actually go through with his word, given that we had just moved to a place where we knew no one. He told me to let him leave or he would hit me. He had once promised he would never touch me, so I challenged him to do it. He slapped me, and ever since that time, when we have serious fights, he loses control and hurts me. I haven't had the courage to leave him, and there's really nothing stopping me now. I don't live with him, I don't depend on him, and we don't have children. We both haven't been able to let go of that deep connection that we still have and that has been damaged so badly. He always apologizes, and at the beginning, he was more willing to change. Now he just wants me to understand why he does it and how I don't ever make the effort to try to be okay. I've read enough about domestic violence to know that it's not my fault that he loses control, so that's not even an issue for me. I know he has to change that on his own. I just want to know if there's people who have gone through this and had the tables turned? Is there hope for a better future together? [/INST] Hi Winters, I learned a long time ago that I can't ever predict who will change and who won't. I meet couples who seem to have all the ingredients but can't make it work, and others who have severe issues and they decide to make better decisions and things change. But in reading your story, the image of a slot machine came to mind. You're gambling your life away on the chance that this guy will change. Only you can decide how many years to give it. I see him giving you clear signs that he doesn't even believe in himself or want to change though. What are you waiting for?Although you say you know his behaviours aren't your fault, something tells me that you're hoping your love for him will turn the key that unlocks something and makes him want to change. It doesn't work that way. Just like the slot machine, you have no power to change him or make this work. You can only decide when you've paid too much.I bet there's someone out there who loves and misses you. He's not your only support. </s>

<s>[INST] I have anger issues that have worsened over the years because Ive never dealt with my emotions. My anger has never been expressed physically until the past year. My girlfriend has had to endure these episodes. I love her, and I think Im about to lose her, if I already havent. I throw things at her when Im angry, and sometimes I hit her. I may not hit her enough to cause harm, but I still physically lash out at her. I dont want to lose her, and I dont want the situation to worsen. I am a lesbian in my early 30s, and I have been dealing with anger since my childhood. I'm ready to change. I need help now. I'm about to explode. [/INST] Hi Baton Rouge,I'm glad you're reaching out. The first step here is that you are taking some responsibility for your behaviours. I do hear you minimizing your actions (you say you don't "hit her enough to cause harm"?), but you're headed in the right direction.I hope that in your pursuit of treatment you learn that the harm you're causing isn't just superficial bruising. The effects of using aggression and anger to control a person are deep and lasting wounds. Please seek treatment for yourself immediately.You say you love your girlfriend? Do you love her enough to leave the relationship while you address your issues? Are you brave enough to not lean on this relationship while you learn how to create a safe place for a partner?You have dangerous habits because you don't know how to manage your own emotional pain. You can unlearn this; and it doesn't mean you're a bad person. Sometimes, however, the relationship in which you have done the hurting is best ended, for both of your sakes, because too much damage has been done.I know you don't want to lose her, but you don't own her, and you don't have the right to trap her in this because you're afraid of being alone. Right now, she needs some space to figure out what's best for her and the freedom to make whatever decision she wants.This is potentially the first step to learning real respect; honouring her need for safety above your need for comfort. I wish you well. </s>

<s>[INST] I have anger issues that have worsened over the years because Ive never dealt with my emotions. My anger has never been expressed physically until the past year. My girlfriend has had to endure these episodes. I love her, and I think Im about to lose her, if I already havent. I throw things at her when Im angry, and sometimes I hit her. I may not hit her enough to cause harm, but I still physically lash out at her. I dont want to lose her, and I dont want the situation to worsen. I am a lesbian in my early 30s, and I have been dealing with anger since my childhood. I'm ready to change. I need help now. I'm about to explode. [/INST] Good for you for recognizing that a change has to be made quickly. Regardless of whether or not your girlfriend leaves your relationship, taking control of your anger needs to happen sooner than later. If left unresolved, it will follow you into any relationship you have. Have you talked to a therapist? I would suggest you take that step first. A therapist will help you explore the source of your anger and teach you new, adaptiveways of dealing with your anger. Until you're able to get some professional help, I would advise that you start recognizing when your emotions are becoming escalated and take a time out before the anger turns into aggression. If you feel yourself becoming heated, excuse yourself from the situation, go to a quiet place or on a walk, and practice some deep breathing. Clear your mind of the problem and focus only on your breathing as you inhale slowly counting to four and exhale slowly counting to six. Don't get discouraged if it doesn't work rightaway. Deep breathing takes practice!Return to the situation or your girlfriend only once you have calmed down and are confident that you are not going to hurt anyone. You might also want to ask your girlfriend to remind you to take a break when she recognizes that your emotions are escalating. Know that with help and support, especially from a therapist, the issues you have can be resolved and new ways of coping can be learned. Good luck! </s>

<s>[INST] I've been with my boyfriend over 3 years. He cheated on me and the woman is now pregnant. He is physically and mentally abusive towards me. I have attempted to talk with him in order to resolve our issues; however, he never wants to talk and often blames me for everything. Im always there when he needs my help. He tells me although I help him doesnt mean that I am a good person. He always discredits me as a woman and its hurtful. I spend most day crying and feeling lonely. I am unhappy and unsure of what I need to do. [/INST] That sounds like a very hurtful situation. Unfortunately, without a batterers intervention course or a desire to change, the abuse cycle is unlikely to stop. I do not recommend that you try to leave on your own due that being the most dangerous time when in an abusive relationship. As an abuser, his goal is to control you whether it's through mental or verbal means. I recommend that you contact a domestic violence shelter in your area. I have worked closely with Harbor House of Central Florida and know they provide housing, transportation, and any other needed resources to women leaving an abusive relationship. There is help out there and you are not alone. If you need any additional resources in your area, please don't hesitate to contact me. </s>

<s>[INST] I have a child with my baby mother. She works I take care of our young son. She says she is not cheating I have not found anything but she always putting me down, telling me to get out and telling me she doesn't love me, but then the next day after our fight she says she does. I'm having a hard time because before our child she said she was raped by a family member but she never went to the hospital or the cops. Now me and my family don't talk. She's always telling me I'm annoying and just belittles me. Nothing I do is right. She says I work you watch the baby. On her days off she never cooks or cleans. I have no friends or family and a couple months ago she was confiding to some guy, but says he's not any thing to her. What do I do? I don't want to leave. [/INST] It sounds like you are in a tough situation. You have to ask yourself why you don't want to leave her. Is it because of the child? Or is it because you want the relationship to work? You must consider that being in an abusive relationship is not healthy for you or your child. So if the abuse continues, it would be more beneficial for you and your child to move out.On the other hand, if you are just wanting the relationship to work out despite its current state, you need to evaluate whether the relationship is worth salvaging. It seems as though you are very unhappy and undervalued in this relationship. Although your question revealed just a short bit of information, I didn't read about any positives in the relationship.Sometimes it's extremely hard to leave a relationship even though you know that the relationship itself is harmful for you. However, with time and focus you can do it. Each day will get a little easier and you have to trust yourself that you are making the right situation for you and your child.However, if you really feel that you want to stay in the relationship, you have to be upfront with her. You need to tell her exactly how you feel and give her specific examples of how she is hurting you. This gives her a chance to render the situation. If after this there is no improvement, I suggest that you start reconsidering your decision to stay.I also think it would be valuable for you to start engaging in things outside of the home that make you happy. Are there any hobbies you enjoy? Are there any groups in the area that you can join such as playgroups that will allow you to engage with other parents? Start looking into these options and finding an avenue for you to do something for your own benefit.It is certainly not healthy for you to isolate yourself from friends and family. You need to have additional support networks besides the one with your girlfriend, especially since this has not been a healthy environment lately.Thank you for reaching out. I wish you the best of luck with your relationship. </s>

<s>[INST] Ive known my boyfriend for several years. We were friends for a long time. In 2013 we started a relationship, and he even asked me to move in with him since I lived out of state. I planned to move in with him in 2014 after I finished school and he found a job. However, during this time we had a few arguments and broke up with each other for a short period of time. We decided later to make it work. Shortly after, I found out that I was pregnant. I wanted to tell him during his next visit. However, he never came to see me and instead asked me for money. After I gave him money, he quit answering my phone calls and texts. Soon after, I experienced a miscarriage. I texted him about what had happened, and he didnt seem to care. I was extremely hurt by this. I still decided to move back as I had originally planned. He helped me with the move and replaced the money I had lent him. During this time, I asked if he wanted to be in this relationship because I needed to know. Although he says he did, I hardly ever see him. He never got a job, which was in the original plan. After that, we both started seeing other people for a short amount of time but once again got back together. Once we got back together, I cut all ties with the former relationship I had been in. I thought he had too. But I found out that he did not attempt to do as I did and was still talking with another woman. In fact, he had even sent inappropriate pictures to her. When I confronted him about this, he wasnt apologetic. He said that he only did it to get even with me and was actually mad at me for looking through his phone. He even closed his car window on my finger and tried to throw me out of his car. I dont know what to do. [/INST] There are plenty of red flags that you have been presented with:Several breakupsNot holding up his end of the bargain regarding workLack of empathy for your miscarriageLying about his involvement with another womanPhysical violence, which is of most concern.This seems to be a very unhealthy relationship. In my experience, relationships such as these rarely become positive ones. Violence is never okay and regardless of his reasoning (you looking through his phone), it is indefensible. You have to look at these red flags and ask yourself, Is this really someone I want to marry? Is he an asset to my life? I think youll realize he is not.Best of luck to you and please know that you deserve someone who treats you with kindness, dignity and respect. </s>

<s>[INST] Now I have anger and trust issues. How can I treat this and fix myself? [/INST] I will assume that for whatever reason, you either do not want to or are not able to seek counseling for this. However, I highly urge you to do so because long-term childhood abuse does have negative consequences for your life as an adult, as it seems you are already aware.There are confidential and free crisis hotlines that you can call that deal with sexual abuse. Some/most also offer free counseling services in local areas. That would be a good place to start looking, especially if cost of counseling is an issue.The important thing to know is that what happened was not your fault and that you deserve to live a happy life free of the past. Having anger and trust issues after something like this is a perfectly normal reaction to what happened to you. Angry? Yes! At your brother for what he did, at your parents for not protecting you. Having trouble trusting? Of course! The very people who were supposed to love and protect you hurt you instead. Two books that might help you are Codependent No More and Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin. </s>

<s>[INST] I snap easy and push people away. I need help before I push my boyfriend away. [/INST] Death of someone with whom we had fond involvement, is sad. Accepting that a person is permanently gone from this earth, is unsettling and can feel painful.That you had no current contact with this person doesn't exclude the meaning or feelings from within your relationship with this person. Relationships don't require a time measurement in order to affect us. Your question acknowledges the process of adjusting to life without the chance to see or hear from this person again.It is normal to grieve so be gentle and not critical of yourself when you feel yourself missing this person. </s>

<s>[INST] I snap easy and push people away. I need help before I push my boyfriend away. [/INST] Meditation may be able to assist you in dealing and looking at your anger differently. Anger is not usually just anger. Behind our anger may lie rejection, grief, loneliness, a longing to reconnect, etc. When we ignore or repress our anger, we are always ignoring these other emotions as well.Meditation is the midpoint between expressing and repressing anger. It allows us a space to stay present with it as it arises and recognize the many faces of anger. By doing this, we are able to become aware of our feelings to learn more about them and not be swept away by them.Learn more here: https://www.therapybyshannon.com/blog-2/2019/4/26/meditate-to-manage-anger </s>

<s>[INST] I snap easy and push people away. I need help before I push my boyfriend away. [/INST] Awareness is the first step. Now that you know that you snap and push people away, you can look into ways to control your anger. If you give yourself the time to analyze why you experience anger, you will discover that there are other feelings underneath; shame, frustration, disappointment, and fear are some of the feelings that we cover with anger when we are not ready to deal with them or dont know how to express them. So next time you feel angry, even if you snap (with practice you will be able to identify them ahead of time), identify why you are angry, and try to express it out loud. A therapist can help you to learn assertive communication skill using examples drawn from your daily experiences.If you would like to engage in therapy, I am licensed in Texas and Puerto Rico, you can contact me at 787-466-5478.Cmo puedo controlarme y a mi coraje?Exploto fcilmente y alejo a las personas. Necesito ayudo antes de hacer que mi novio se aleje.Tener conciencia de la situacin es el primer paso. Ahora que sabes que explotas y alejas a las personas, puedes buscar maneras de controlar tu enojo. Si te das tiempo para analizar porque te da coraje, descubrirs que hay otras emociones escondidas, la vergenza, la frustracin, la decepcin y el miedo son algunas de las emociones que cubrimos con coraje cuando no estamos listos para revelarlas, procesarlas o expresarlas. As que la prxima vez que ests a punto de explotar, o cuando ya hayas explotado (con la practica uno aprende a identificarlas de antemano), identifica por que estas enojada e intenta expresarlo en voz alta. Un consejero te puede ayudar aprender tcnicas de comunicacin asertiva usando ejemplos de tu vida cotidiana.Si te gustara hacer terapia, soy Consejera Profesional Licenciada en Texas y en Puerto Rico, llama al 787-466-5478. </s>

<s>[INST] My roommate is a unapologetic person who doesn't care who she hurts. She never apologizes to me or my family. She made me lose my temper today to the point where I was using swear words in front of my mom and brother. [/INST] You must be feeling frustrated about how to resolve this. Some people seem to really provoke emotional responses in us. One thing to learn for a quick review of yourself when you are provoked is to pay attention to your body.Notice your heart rate, fists clenched, some warmth going through your body and these are signs that the interaction is toxic for you. Move out of the room, say something calling to both of you and let things simmer down before responding.When you are able to calm your body, think of ways to bring the issue to her attention using positive words but holding your ground. If she doesn't listen ask someone to come with you to talk to her about it, If she still won't listen, reassess your expectations of her.Finally if you need to , you may have to consider changing the status of your rooming together. </s>

<s>[INST] My roommate is a unapologetic person who doesn't care who she hurts. She never apologizes to me or my family. She made me lose my temper today to the point where I was using swear words in front of my mom and brother. [/INST] Must you keep this roommate in your life?If you've tried speaking with the person about your unhappiness to feel angry "all the time" , the problem has been going on for an extended amount of time and nothing changes, then the next step would be for both of you to part ways.It is possible each of you triggers the other in very deep and irrational ways on occasion.If the choice is to tolerate being triggered or to dissolve the relationship, then your decision is which of these two choices is better for you.Since you already know you don't like to be triggered, parting ways as soon as reasonably possible, seems the choice you prefer.Either choice is fine. Let the decision depend on which way makes you feel life is livable and happy! </s>

<s>[INST] I get angry and act out. It scares my wife and child. [/INST] Anger is a normal emotion, no different than joy, elation, or sadness. It's not anger that gets us in trouble it's the overtness of the emotion or how we allow it to manifest that gets us in trouble. Being able to control your temper depends on several variables: how you saw anger acted out as a child in terms of your primary caregivers and what you internalized as being normal in terms of managing conflict, and your communication style regarding how you confront problematic situations. There are some whose anger takes on a volcano effect whereby they don't readily address problematic situations but rather they continue to stuff their emotion until the right trigger causes them them to explode, and then there are those who are very impulsive in terms of how they react to stressful situations, they don't take time to think out situations or to make sense of them, they just impulsively respond. I would encourage you to seek anger management from a therapist who utilizes a Cognitive Behavioral approach in order that you may explore how your irrational thinking related to certain situations may be influencing your problematic behavior. In addition, I would encourage you to engage in activities that promote stress reduction if your blowups are indeed related to being overly stressed. The first step is recognizing that you have a problem that you need help in understanding and addressing, which you have, now take the next step in finding a therapist in order that you may learn to control your temper and undo some faulty wiring that may be related to how you process emotion, and communicate that you're angry. Remember, anger is the overt expression of some other emotion (i.e., disappointment, hurt, frustration, etc..) Hope this helps... </s>

<s>[INST] I get angry and act out. It scares my wife and child. [/INST] Well, yes, of course it scares them. They see someone they love behaving is frightening ways. That's a good reason to want to manage your emotions differently...but what are your thoughts on your anger? Do you think your angry feelings justify lashing out?The thing is that feeling angry is just that...feeling. Acting out is behavior and that affects everyone around you. Do you need to manage your behavior, as well as your feelings? My guess is that you do.First you need to pay better attention to your feelings "thermostat". If you are always near "boiling" you don't have much margin for error. It's in your best interest, and that of your family, to bring that temperature down. That may mean more physical activity, meditation, journaling or some other outlet.The next, and bigger, question is what are you so mad about? Or are you really sad, scared, confused? Anger is a secondary emotion, much like pneumonia is a secondary infection. Anger, which sets us up to defend ourselves against a perceived danger, is often a cover for feelings that leave us more vulnerable. That means people who are grieving may exhibit rage; people who are scared may lash out.That doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it might explain it. Get in t o see a therapist ASAP. You need a bit of help to identify both anger triggers and underlying feelings that get played out as anger. You are not a bad person for exhibiting emotions, but anger can quickly become destructive - get help now! </s>

<s>[INST] I get angry and act out. It scares my wife and child. [/INST] Yes you can.. If you cannot control your temper, who can? You have more power of your emotions, thoughts and feeling than you are giving yourself credit for. If this is scaring your wife and child, you need to get control of it immediately. Try going to an anger management class. It will help to discover what is the root cause of your anger, what triggers it and how you can control/manage it. If you can't go to a class, try self help books or even better yet counseling and support of a professional counselor. </s>

<s>[INST] Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem? [/INST] Anger does have its place. When anger is experienced often or the magnitude of it does not fit the scenario, such as your losing comb, the question becomes, what does losing that comb mean to you? In the very split second that you have realized the comb is missing, there is a reaction that occurs within you, accompanied by an image or thought that like lightening flashes so quickly that you may not be aware what it is. As Sherry noted below, awareness. Awareness is fundamental. Becoming aware of ourselves and what is happening internal that sparks it off. The next time you feel angry from a "small thing", stop and ask yourself, why am I angry that this is lost? Find out what you are thinking or how you are speaking to yourself. You will become aware and once you are aware, steps can be taken to alter the experience for the better. A professional can assist with that! </s>

<s>[INST] Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem? [/INST] I don't like the word "problem". It is such a strong word. However I would say that you have an issue that needs to be addressed and controlled before it directed at the wrong person and gets totally out of control. I have found that anger management classes has been helpful for my clients. Try and see if it will help. You will be surprised at what you learn about your self. </s>

<s>[INST] Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem? [/INST] Anyone who asks whether or not they have a problem, usually feels at least partly, that they do have a problem.Your answer to the question is what matters.Since you already understand that your reaction is overstated to the events which trigger them, the reactions you're having are more than likely anger that is leftover from past events, either in the near or distant past.Be aware, consider, reflect on how you usually handle feeling angry. Based on your description here, it is quite likely that the anger you show toward what you call "little things" reflect anger at much bigger matters that are uncomfortable and not easy to understand.Knowing more about the more significant matters causing frustration for you, may very likely decrease reacting angrily toward smaller matters. </s>

<s>[INST] We're in an eight year relationship. My boyfriend drinks a lot. He experienced childhood trauma. I don't know how to deal with violent outbursts. [/INST] You shouldn't need to educate yourself on violent outbursts. He is the one in the position to change his violent outbursts. They are his behavior, not yours. All you're trying to do is have a relationship with this guy.The one task to do is during a quiet time to tell your boyfriend the way you feel about his outbursts.His answer, whether he denies having a problem, blames you for his problem, tells you the problem isn't so bad, why are you complaining, tells you a lot about his willingness to change.Whether or not he considers himself to have a problem and wants to change himself, is very good for you to know.This tells you what to expect from him in future. You can reflect and plan ahead for your own life depending on your tolerance and willingness to live with what he answers you. </s>

<s>[INST] We're in an eight year relationship. My boyfriend drinks a lot. He experienced childhood trauma. I don't know how to deal with violent outbursts. [/INST] First, let me extend my compassion to both of you -- it sounds like you have a lot on your plates. Childhood trauma carries its negative effects into our adulthood and affects everyone who loves us.Your question is brief, so I'll just try to give general answers as best I can. From my experiences treating many people with your boyfriend's experiences, the short, healthy answer is that you can't fix the situation and maybe not even be able to help. He needs a professional. Period.What you cando, is take care of yourself. With his background, it is not likely that he will be able to help you or take care of you in a healthy way. Your task needs to prioritize your own safety and well-being. Trauma and substance abuse are the definition of being out of control, unable to set and manage appropriate boundaries, manage his own emotions and behaviors. So your boyfriend is unlikely to be able to change in the near-term, certainly not without professional help. You might also benefit from help and support, to understand your own role in your relationship and how you can make changes in your life. I am NOT blaming you for any aspect of your boyfriend's behavior, only acknowledging that there are two people in every relationship. If you have accepted your boyfriend's drinking and violent outbursts in the past (by staying in the relationship), that is likely to perpetuate his behavior. And there isn't any way to "handle violent outbursts." They shouldn't be handled at all, and if you have to be away from your boyfriend during his outbursts in order to be emotionally and physically safe, then that may be what you will have to do.We can never really change anyone else. The only person we can change is ourselves. Sometimes our behavior changes the odds of another person's behaviors, but it doesn't control it. I would recommend that you work with a professional to first, ensure your own safety above all. Then make decisions about what behavior you are willing to accept or be connected to, and which you want to separate from. Whatever your boyfriend does in his life, you will be happier if you manage your own feelings, set boundaries, etc. Let me say again that you also would benefit from some good insight and support as you continue your journey.Wishing you and your boyfriend healing and recovery. </s>

<s>[INST] Any time things get heated, the past gets brought up. I raise my voice at her to try to get a point across. She asks open-ended questions but always has to turn my own answer against me. She's seven months pregnant. I have drank in the past, but I'm not dependent on alcoholI only drink at social events. [/INST] Have you tried to talk about the subjects of the past, in the present at a time in which there is no heat between the two of you?Since your gf would like to resolve situations from the past the best way to do so would be to talk about them. The more you try to avoid certain subjects the more likely they will come up between you at worse possible moments.If you can get ahead of the pattern of old topics coming up without your control, then try scheduling a discussion about them. This by itself will show your gf you care about what she cares about and this may be one quality she would feel good about. </s>

<s>[INST] When I got home, my boyfriend and I got into an argument. He got upset and he started hitting his face. That is the first time he has ever done that, but I would be lying if I said that didn't scare me. I locked myself in the room. [/INST] Sounds scary to watch. I agree with you!Maybe he felt so overwhelmed by anger, hurt and frustration that he went back to an old behavior from his past in which someone hit him for having strong emotions.Now that the incident is past, bring up the topic to him so the two of you can discuss it.Just the fact of you having empathy and caring what he was feeling at the time, may be restorative to him.At the very least, you may find out exactly what the answer is to your question as to why he did this in the first place! </s>

<s>[INST] Everything just makes me upset. [/INST] Anger often comes with a lot of other emotions. Consider what else you may be feeling at the same time and keep track of your different mood changes. You may be able to notice patterns, such as being more frustrated when you don't sleep well. If you do feel as though you are mad all the time, can you think of any exceptions so you can see what is different in those times? </s>

<s>[INST] I get really mad easily at my parents and family. [/INST] Anger is not necessarily a bad thing. If you are angry and you can talk about your feelings, that would be very helpful. Anger usually comes along with something else, like feeling sad, worried, overwhelmed, confused, and many others. Consider looking at what you notice in addition to anger and you may have a different starting point. If you get along well with friends and don't get angry with them, look at the differences. Do you feel criticized by your parents or family? Misunderstood? There could be any number of things.I wonder if you start getting angry very slowly and it builds or if it happens quickly. Try to keep an eye on the patterns and see if you can stop and look at what else is going on as you start to get angry. Anger is a real emotion in itself. It almost always connects to something else as well. </s>

<s>[INST] My long-term girlfriend broke up with me recently. She says it's because of my anger. [/INST] I need help controlling my anger.Anger is like a blanket that contains other emotion from bursting out and serves as a shield to protect us when we are not able to manage external issues. Anger also helps us understand that theres something wrong that needs to change. Once we understand that something else caused us to feel angry, then we can explore the source of anger.Ask yourself: Why am angry, Am I hurt, disappointed, confused, embarrassed etc.? Once you find the answer, explore how often that happens and whats your reaction. Then explore how else you could respond or react. You could use I-statements as a way to communicate your true feelings to your girlfriend or whoever is involved in the scenario. This is a good exercise to practice with your Counselor or mental health provider because many unresolved issues may arise during this exploration, especially if you have been angry for a long timeAlso, it is important to understand the difference between anger and aggressionand learn to manage our anger before we act on it. Anger is a feeling; aggression is when you act out your anger physically, verbally and psychologically. Find ways to vent: crying or sweating will help to release your anger, and balance the chemical response that our body creates when you become angry. Physical activity and meditation exercises can also provide a break when you manage strong emotions.Necesito ayuda para controlar mi coraje.El coraje es como una manta que cubre otras emociones evitando que se desborden y sirve como un escudo que nos protege cuando no podemos manejar problemas externos. El coraje tambin nos ayudo a entender que hay algo mal que debemos cambiar. Cuando entendemos que algo mas causo el coraje entonces podemos explorar la fuente.Pregntate a ti mismo: Por qu tengo coraje, estoy herido, decepcionado, confundido, avergonzado, etc.? Ya que encuentres la respuesta, explora cuan frecuente tienes esa reaccin. Luego explora como puedes reaccionar en otra ocasin. Puedes usar expresiones del Yo para comunicar tus verdaderos sentimientos a la persona envuelta en la situacin. Esto es un buen ejercicio para practicar con tu Consejero o profesional de la salud mental ya que otros conflictos sin resolver pueden surgir durante este proceso de exploracin.Tambin es importante entender la diferencia entre el coraje y la agresin, y aprender a manejar el coraje antes que actuemos. El coraje es un sentimiento y la agresin es cuando expresas tu coraje agrediendo a alguien, fsica, emocional o sicolgicamente. Encuentra maneras de desagotare, llorar o sudar te pueden ayudar en este proceso al balancear la respuesta qumica que crea el cuerpo cuando estamos molestos. El la actividad fsica y la meditacin tambin pueden ayudarte a relajarte y tomar un descanso cuando manejas emociones fuertes. </s>

<s>[INST] My son claims that hes been having extremely violent thoughts and dreams. Not violent like he's hurting someone, but violent thoughts like horrible things happening to his loved ones. He explained one of his dreams the other day and it was so violent it was sickening. It was far beyond anything in a horror movie, he says he can't help these thoughts they just pop up. Please help! [/INST] If your son is reporting "extremely violent thoughts and dreams" please have an psychological evaluation done by a psychiatrist now before it gets even worse for him to bare. Don't take his reports lightly. For him to tell you, he knows that something is not right. He is seeking and needing help. Get it immediately. Best to be safe than sorry. </s>

<s>[INST] My son claims that hes been having extremely violent thoughts and dreams. Not violent like he's hurting someone, but violent thoughts like horrible things happening to his loved ones. He explained one of his dreams the other day and it was so violent it was sickening. It was far beyond anything in a horror movie, he says he can't help these thoughts they just pop up. Please help! [/INST] Let me start my stating this is important to take seriously - taking to his PCP, getting a referral to a pediatric specialist, and getting him to a relational psychotherapist would be my first tasks.I wont label this occurrences as "normal" yet it is important to note these things do occur. My first observation is to say that it is a tremendous advantage that your son is communicating what he is experiencing. I'd encourage him to continue to do so, no matter the extent of his thoughts - his trust of you being able the handle his experience is of utmost importance. His containment and sense of security is also dependent on your reaction to what he shares. Seek professional help, communicating your support, including a plan of action, and reassuring him you will figure this out together will help you as you begin. </s>

<s>[INST] I been having anger problems a lot lately. It only takes one word wrongly said to set me off. I use to not be like this until I got with my soon-to-be husband. I think his mood and rage/anger problems have rubbed off on me a lot. I don't get nearly as bad as he does, but I yell almost constantly and I can't seem to just stop. I have two young babies that have to hear this, and I don't want my girls growing up with a mommy like I have been lately. I just don't know how to get back to my old self. [/INST] With me knowing thata healthy relationshipusually includes respect, trust, appreciation, companionship, spiritual solidarity, domestic support, feeling of being cherished, and sensuous affection, I am wondering if you are lacking in several if not all of these needs in your present relationship. Before he becomes your husband, you should examine these areas and see if they are high in rating. Otherwise, yes this relationship will affect your girls and you negatively. I would suggest relationship counseling, specifically pre-marital. Not be surprised if through the process you realize that this relationship is not the best choice for you and your children. </s>

<s>[INST] I been having anger problems a lot lately. It only takes one word wrongly said to set me off. I use to not be like this until I got with my soon-to-be husband. I think his mood and rage/anger problems have rubbed off on me a lot. I don't get nearly as bad as he does, but I yell almost constantly and I can't seem to just stop. I have two young babies that have to hear this, and I don't want my girls growing up with a mommy like I have been lately. I just don't know how to get back to my old self. [/INST] My gut says that your own rage is being triggered partly because you feel trapped or shutdown by your fiance's moody/angry/rage responses and powerless to stop it. You can start by accepting that this is who he is and you won't change him. You can only change your own behaviours, and I see you taking responsibility for those, which is great. You want to protect your girls, and that's appropriate; children are greatly affected by this type of home environment. I urge you to see a therapist so you can understand your own emotions and sort out the choices you have to make, knowing that your fiance has to make his own choices about his behaviours. </s>

<s>[INST] I have not been able to really sleep. I stay up all times of the night not even knowing why. Every day, I feel like I have anger inside of me. I have a little family, but I can't open up to them like I want to. I have a son, and I feel that I take my anger out on him by screaming at him. [/INST] Best question is....what are you so angry about? You can't stop being so angry until you figure out what is the root of your anger. If you feel like you have anger inside, while I am sure you do. Taking it out on your son is only passing on the hurt and anger. This will be inside him too. Get some professional help so that you can be happy and have a happy child. </s>

<s>[INST] My issue isn't resisting angry urges; it's the anger itself. My rage is extreme and vastly disproportionate to the direct stressor. It causes violent thoughts, but I never act. I stay lucid enough to know the rage is violent, not me. I don't want to drown myself in anger and resentment. [/INST] Knowing how you feel and also being able to stabilize yourself to act upon the tremendous anger you feel, are fine qualities.Anger, whatever the magnitude, generally reflects emotional pain that has not yet been placed into words.Try thinking over your growing up years because maybe you will discover certain repeated dynamics which upset you and that no one helped you feel secure through such times.Also, if either of your parents drank too much and raged when they were drunk, you may be repeating their patterns of how to respond to situations. Even without drinking, the response patterns of yelling and throwing things are frightening enough to leave a permanent memory.If this describes part of your childhood, then it is possible you are becoming angry because it was the only emotion that either of your parents was able to express. </s>

<s>[INST] Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them. [/INST] Congratulations on making your way to Step One, self-observation and deciding to change a feature about how you understand and relate to others.There is extraordinary strength in being willing to notice your effect on others and consider what changes are possible.Start on the inside track of your own heart and mind. Once you're able to understand what is driving your emotions to the point where the only reasonable way of handling them is to curse and offend people, you'd have gotten a long way in knowing your own expectations of others and how far off the mark from this in your mind, they are.For example, if you expect others to always be accepting, tolerant and happy about situations with your boyfriend, and you're hearing otherwise from people, then you can prepare yourself for possible, less than positive comments about your relationship, or you can ask people to not comment to you about your relationship at all.Basically, the more you know about yourself and are willing to accept your right to ask others to respect your views, the easier and calmer time you'll have in handling comments from others that you're not glad hearing.Also, this is a long process because you'd be trying to change long time and deep patterns of interacting.Be patient with your own learning curve and certainly consider therapy for yourself in order to have some outside guidance and support for the process you're placing yourself. </s>

<s>[INST] Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them. [/INST] Hi California,I'm happy to hear you want to get a hold of this problem. Relationships don't tend to last when we treat people poorly. It is very possible for you to learn different ways of relating, with some strong effort. I would highly suggest working with a therapist, and I will give you a few things to think about in the interim.Sometimes anger is there because we feel something is unjust or unfair, but many times, anger is a "secondary emotion", and it's simply there to protect us from other, more vulnerable emotions that we would rather not feel and will do anything to avoid. Discovering what vulnerable emotions you are protecting yourself from is important. Perhaps you feel powerless, or unloved, or unimportant. It may take some time before you recognise this emotion.Once you do, you can ask yourself about the other times in your life when you have felt that emotion. Where did it originate? At what age did you feel "too much" of that feeling...so much so that you can't stand it even in tiny amounts?You will learn in therapy to identify the thoughts you have that are connected to that feeling. They are typically incorrect thoughts, like "No one lifes me", or "People will always hurt me". Fear tends to generalize and predict bad things that aren't likely.Your habit is so strong that you likely have a poor sense of self-worth and you don't believe people will love you...so you hurt them to keep them at a distance. This happens in a subconscious level. Do you see how that would help you to keep people off balance or afraid or a distance away if you didn't believe in your worth? So, it's backwards really, because you think you're getting mad at people who "piss you off", but you're really just not wanting to face how mad you are at yourself.In addition to this work, you can start to purposely treat people more kindly. Find out what respect is, make amends and resolve to spreading peace. It might sound too simple, but if you act as though you're a person of peace, you will start to feel more peaceful.But I hope you do contact a therapist. It will take time and support to reach your goal. </s>

<s>[INST] I don't know how to notice or express my feelings besides anger. That's really the only one i feel. [/INST] Well, then give yourself some credit for noticing that you recognize at least one feeling that you have!What is your own theory as to what is difficult to know your feelings? Your answer will give you clues as to unearthing your willingness to be aware of the way you feel.Sometimes the family in which someone grew up, did all they could to stop the kids from knowing who they were.In some families there were very severe consequences if a child spoke up with an independent mind. By knowing where your difficulties started, you may very well be able to release the situation in which you learned to suppress your feelings.Also, spend some time with yourself just enjoying who you are. Often, people who have difficulty in expressing themselves, suffered shame and humiliation as a child. They have a chronic sense of worthlessness, and feeling worthless certainly works against self-expression. By having a good time being with yourself, you may increase your self-appreciation and this will go a long way to believing that your feelings are worth knowing and stating. </s>

<s>[INST] The sounds of eating and breathing gives me headachesmostly mouth breathing and snoring. It makes me angry, and I want to solve it myself. [/INST] Probably good to know in what type of situations you are, in which you are hearing mouth breathing and snoring.If you're sleeping beside your partner who does these actions, would have a different response than if you overhear mouth breathing and snoring from a family member who is napping on the couch and you are walking past them on your way to take a snack in the kitchen.Basically, if the person who does these actions which bother you, start by telling them.Depending on whether they are empathetic to how distressed you are from their sounds, or not, willing to change, or not, has a good deal to do with next steps.I don't really see any step you're able to take to solve that you are sensitive to human sounds from the head.One path I don't recommend is expecting yourself to ignore the fact of being feeling bothered, or dismissing your own sensitivity someone.Your needs matter. </s>

<s>[INST] I have been having horrendous nightmares this whole month. [/INST] There's a narrative approach that we call nightmare "rescripting" that may be helpful.Since we can't really control the nature of our dreams while they're happening, we try to alter them while we are in a waking state.In a nutshell, this refers to first writing out in detail the events of a recurring nightmare you have. Typically, there is an element of fear, danger or helplessness.Second, we rescript the nightmare by changing what happens in the dream in a way that engenders feelings of empowerment, control, competence, and/or safety. In other words, if the nightmare involved being pursued or assaulted, we might change the events of the story so that you call the police, get to a place of safety, or even fight back and protect yourself.Third, you can reread this new version of the dream over and over again, so that it becomes a well rehearsed story. The effect of this can make it so that the next time your mind goes towards the nightmare while sleeping, this new, more hopeful and empowering story competes with the old one and reduces the level of distress associated with the dream. Best of luck! </s>

<s>[INST] I have been having horrendous nightmares this whole month. [/INST] Are you facing any type of overwhelming situation in your waking life?Dreams and nightmares are the non-logical ways in which we make emotional sense of what goes on in our everyday waking world.Besides having some type of relaxing bedtime routine to set a peaceful mood for your sleep, and avoiding viewing violent films and video games as entertainment, maybe even avoiding news stories which sometimes have similar themes of violence, the content of our dreams and nightmares is out of our direct control.Your nightmares may offer useful clues as to what you're trying to resolve in your life. Pay attention to the story of your nightmare because it reflects how you feel in waking life.If you feel helpless and silenced in your nightmare, or taken advantage of, or whatever dreadful situation goes on during your nightmare, then look for where in waking life, you may feel similar.In this way, you'll become clearer about stressors in your life that you may not have realized existed were it not for the stress of nightmares. </s>

<s>[INST] I get an uncontrollable swallowing that is repetitive and then somewhat out of body feeling that lasts no more than a minute or two. It usually happens in bed at night, but I occasionally experience this during the day. I have a benign brain tumor, but the doctor said it is not associated with this. [/INST] I'm not entirely sure whether this relates to something in the mental health realm or if there is something else happening. I know you said that your doctor said it is not related to your physical condition, but have you tried speaking with your primary care physician? I've seen people with many different symptoms that end up being related to acid reflux or something of that nature. As far as the out of body experience, there are different stages of sleep, so if this is happening in the middle of the night and you are waking up from a dream, you may not be fully awake when it's going on. These are just some thoughts, but I think talking to your primary care physician would be a great place to start. </s>

<s>[INST] It takes me a long time to fall asleep; Id estimate about two hours. I often have nightmares, starting with being eaten by a monster, and I often wake up frightened and unable to breathe. I believe I started losing sleep after breaking up with a girlfriend of 8 years. Also, my fathers business went bankrupt and my mother has a chronic condition. I was under a lot of stress, and life lost meaning. After improving my life and developing a habit of running and exercise to release stress, my symptoms improved. However in the past couple months, I started losing sleep again and having nightmares without warning. How can I solve this issue? [/INST] First of all, exercise is always beneficial for your physical and emotional health. That's great that you have added this in your routine. Have you also considered altering your diet? Certain foods are linked with poor sleep. For example, alcohol, caffeine, nicotine and high fat content foods do not bode well with quality sleep, especially right before bed time.On the other hand, warm milk and foods high in carbohydrates have actually shown to positively impact sleep.Additionally, at bed time it's important to keep your room dim, cool and without distractions (i.e. TV, IPad, Phone). Stick to a sleep routine and avoid any activities close to bed time that demand a lot of attention and energy.As far as your nightmares, there could be many causes contributing to them. Certain foods (many of the ones mentioned) or medications could be the culprit. Doing a bit of research into the ones you are consuming may help you eliminate the offender.You may also benefit from talk therapy with a qualified therapist to discuss any underlying issues you are experiencing. Oftentimes, depression and anxiety can manifest themselves during sleep, causing nightmares.Finally, Yoga has shown to be very beneficial for quality sleep. There are many instructional videos available that can introduce you to the practice if you'd rather not join a class right away.Best of luck to you and I sincerely hope you are able to catch up on some well deserved Z's! </s>

<s>[INST] Sometimes 3 times a night. [/INST] Perhaps more dreaming means that you are making use of your mind to solve problems. I find that change states, while sometimes difficult, are very exciting. They give you opportunity to grow more rapidly. So I say: "congratulations!" ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org) </s>

<s>[INST] Sometimes 3 times a night. [/INST] Dreams are our chance to make sense of our waking lives.If you've got a lot going on in your life then your dreams are your assistants in understanding these happenings and dynamics. </s>

<s>[INST] Sometimes 3 times a night. [/INST] As a depth therapist (aka "psychodynamic practitioner"), I do a lot of dream work with clients; and they gain great insights from our explorations.We remember dreams, I believe, because dreams are messages (always in code) from the unconscious, communicating the crux of unresolved conflict between who we are and who we think we are supposed to be. You might be remembering so many dreams because your conscious mind is ready to hear these messages...and make some internal changes in response.Write them down! You'll be glad you did. A broad cross-section of these these messages will help your therapist help you interpret the meanings of these communications from you to you, and possibly chart your best path forward toward to resolve the cause of psychological symptoms you might be experiencing. </s>

<s>[INST] I've pretty much been on my own since day one, I'm a middle child of five, and I can't seem to put my trust in anyone. It took me four years to finally open up a little to my best friend. Every time I realize that I have feelings for someone, I freak out and never talk to them again. I really want some help. [/INST] One way to concentrate is that if your mind starts to wonder then remind yourself to bring your attention back.Start with short time spans of expecting yourself to concentrate. You'll more likely succeed with concentrating with small time spans than longer ones.Once you start seeing your success, this will motivate you to try increasing the length to expect yourself to concentrate.The task of self-reminding is the same, whether for long or short time periods.Also, before starting this exercise ask your medical doctor if the problem can be related to a physical health problem.If there is, then have the possibility ruled out that your difficulty concentrating comes from the mental ability to concentrate, and not some medical reason preventing this.Before someone can engage their psychological will there must be a clean medical body and mind with which to work. </s>

<s>[INST] I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has "friends" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected? [/INST] Your question highlights your pain very clearly.What you are describing is one of the most common scenarios I see in my practice with couples: One partner feels terribly lonely and unimportant in response to the other partner either turning towards other people and activities or being withdrawn and turning inward.My mind immediately goes to a question for you: What happens when you are feeling alone and uncared for? What do you say to yourself about you, about your spouse, and about your relationship? What do you do in response to these feelings? Do you ask for what you need? Does this lead to arguments? Do you stay silent or withdraw?Very often, couples enter into negative patterns where one partner feels afraid of rejection by the other partner and so withdraws from the relationship (and is often seen as "cold and aloof" towards the relationship), and the other partner feels afraid of abandonment by the withdrawing partner and so pursues the other (and is often seen as "critical and nagging"). Regardless of "who started it," these patterns canturn into infinity loops that take on a gravity of their own, and ultimately cause both partners to withdraw and dissolve the relationship. If both partners want to work on saving and improving the relationship, the way out of this is to learn about your emotions and patterns together so that you can slow down the pattern and stay in touch with the emotions that pull people together. As the patternsslow down, partners are better able to get more deeply in touch with their vulnerabilities, needs and longings, and ask for them to be met in such a way that doesn't leave the other partner feeling criticized, threatened, abandoned, or uncared for.Some couples can do this without the help of a therapist. The book "Hold Me Tight: 7 Conversations for a LIfetime of Love" by Sue Johnson is a self-help book based on Emotionally Focused Therapy (the most scientifically validated couples therapy that currently exists), and has been helpful to many couples that I see. When a therapist is needed to help partners reconnect or overcome betrayals, I recommend seeking couples therapists who are trained in a scientifically tested model of couples therapy (such as Emotionally Focused Therapy. You can learn more about EFT or find an EFT therapist here: http://www.iceeft.com).To summarize:Your pain is understandable and valid. It's telling you what you are missing and what you want.Reconnection comes when we can listen to what our feelings are telling us, express those feelings in a safe way, and assert our wants/needs,while remaining open to the vulnerabilities and needs of our partner.If you can do that on your own, and your relationship is responsive, that's fantastic! If you encounter challenges in resolving this yourself, consider therapy with a trained couples therapist using a model that is scientifically validated. Pain means this is important! You and your marriage are worth the effort! </s>

<s>[INST] I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has "friends" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected? [/INST] Piggybacking on the other respondent's suggestions, I also agree that most couples could use more frequent and more bonding communication in their relationships, and this is a GREAT place to get the ball rolling towards reconnecting.Surveying the demographical data on long-term relationships, it's pretty common for couples to start to struggle around the 7-10 year mark and in fact, that's often when first time divorces happen. And for lots of reasons...most of them having something to do with beginning to take one another for granted and no longer doing the little things that nourish the relationship and light our partners up. Seems like you've encountered this in your own relationship...where he appears to be neglecting your need for emotional connection with him.Doesn't have to be this way though. And from my own personal clinical experience, I can tell you that when even ONE partner is willing to make some small but powerful changes, they can often ripple outward to the other partner and bring about miraculous outcomes!So my encouragement to you is this - if you're still in love with him...even a little bit...and you're down to try something new, there's hope! As hard as it may be, I would ask you to try and focus on YOUR own side of the street when approaching him. Use an open and curious approach with him.Ask him what he thinks he needs in a marriage.What is it about you he fell in love with?What helps him feel more fulfilled as a man and as a husband?What little things that you have done over the years does he appreciate?Like Sherry said, if you can get him talking, there'll be plenty to work with. We only need a spark to kindle a fire. If he can give you a list, you'll have a blueprint for getting him to reconnect with you and it opens the door for you to offer him little suggestions as well.By the time a couple reaches the point where you're at, there's usually very little fun going on. We've stopped enjoying one another's company. Try and think creatively about some shared experiences he might be willing to do. A picnic? Happy hour? Concerts, museums, cooking class, new sexual behaviors...the list is as infinite as you want it to be!Some of my favorite suggestions for couples looking to understand how they got here and how to build their way out are:"The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship" (Ted Talk) by Esther Perel"Getting Together & Staying Together: Solving the Mystery of Marriage" by William & Carleen Glasser"Divorce Busting - A Step By Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again" by Michelle Weiner-Davis"The Relationship Cure: a 5 step Guide to Strengthening your Marriage, Family, and Friendships" by John Gottman & Joan DeClaire"The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman & Nan Silver"The Five Love Languages" by Gary ChapmanAnd of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't suggest that if you're open to the idea, maybe some individual and/ or couples counseling could be helpful too.My very warmest regards to you,Tamara Powell, LMHC </s>

<s>[INST] I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has "friends" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected? [/INST] I'm sure you've tried to talk to your husband, but if not, could you? Have a conversation with him about him and his life, his work, etc. See if he relaxes and opens up to you, even a little bit. Don't try to have a heavy conversation or even unburden yourself to him during this first conversation - just try to be light-hearted and focus on hearing him. It's the first step towards getting your needs met too, and ending any emotional standoff that might have come about between you. </s>

<s>[INST] I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has "friends" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected? [/INST] I'm sorry for how you're feeling in your marriage lately. Are you and your husband able to talk directly about your feelings? The way two people connect is usually by talking with each other to understand what each one cares about and thinks.Your current emotional suffering is the natural result of being married to someone who shows no interest in doing this.If your husband wants to start talking with you, then there is a chance the two of you can reconnect. If he doesn't want to participate in the relationship with you, then start to think if its possible and for how long, to get emotional support from friends and family who do care for you.Also a question for the future is to understand what the value of your marriage is to you besides having a connection to your husband. </s>

<s>[INST] I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has "friends" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected? [/INST] Communication opens up what is called "cognitive space" for your partner, and allows them to do the same for you. The more you know about each other, especially your everyday lives, creates a bond between the two of you. Much like the saying goes in the military, the same is true for a couple; "Complacency Kills". It is important for both of you to invest in each other on a regular basis. I regularly recommend that both of you take the 5 Love Languages Assessment and start using each other's top love languages to help show each other the positive affection that you feel (or at least want to feel) for one another. Start asking about your husband's day, trying to learn about all the interactions that he has at work, and feel free to ask questions so that he knows you really want to know about him, and know him intimately again. </s>

<s>[INST] I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has "friends" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected? [/INST] Feeling alone in your marriage is one of the most painful feelings. Wanting connection with your spouse yet feeling the all too familiar distance that's keeping you apart can be so hurtful. But, change is possible. You might be able to move closer toward each other on your own but since there has been two years of distance, I would suggest looking into couples therapy with a trained couples therapist. They are trained in helping couples begin to examine what's been happening that has caused a drift in your marriage.I'm also curious if there was a significant event that occurred around the time you started feeling distant. If there was something that occurred during this time that is hard for you both to talk about, couples therapy can help with this also. It can provide a safe and supportive space for you both. </s>

<s>[INST] I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has "friends" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected? [/INST] Absolutely. Your question shows that you are going through a lot of pain and I'm sorry for that. Many couples go through this disconnect and hope to come to reconnect before things get to a breaking point. What I think can help is the following:1.) Understand what his primary concern is2.) Understand what your primary concern is3.) What would you like to see different?4.) What would he like to see different?5.) Be honest about your concern with him having friends (Be ready for honesty)6.) Help him understand you feel alone without him feeling guilty.7.) Let him know how committed you are to making this relationship despite the two of you drifting apart.8.) Sometimes if you just acknowledge the elephant in the room.9.) Couples/Marriage Therapy </s>

<s>[INST] I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has "friends" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected? [/INST] What you are describing is something I often refer to as "living with your roommate" phenomenon. This is the idea that you feel like you are living with a roommate and no your partner or spouse . It is not uncommon for members of a couple to report to feel both physical and/or emotional distance. When we don't feel connected within relationships, this can be isolating and lonely. The emotional distance often makes us wonder: am I important to the other? These types of feelings need to be better understood in the context of your own background and upbringing I.e., who you are and also better understood in the context of your couple. Feeling reconnected can occur-- but there is not a "one size fits all" solutoon. As a first step, do you or your partner have any ideas of how to feel reconnected? Have you considering talking to your partner about the emotional void? Or how about discussing solutions , together, that might help-- from individual therapy to couple therapy to a weekly date night to inquiring about one another's personal interest to starting off the conversation of what both of you want and can do to re-establish feelings of connectiveness. If this is too frightening I.e., to address the lack of connection between you and your spouse. a fist meeting with a couple therapist can likely help unpack what the possible solutions for your couple. </s>

<s>[INST] I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has "friends" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected? [/INST] I can think of several things that may help you to reconnect. I don't know how much time you actually spend together, but one thing you could try is to spend 15 minutes a week together talking about common interests or other things that make you feel connected.Have you considered a date night or anything (doesn't have to cost a lot of money, but could make each of you feel special)?Something else you could try is to consider talking to each other in a way where you summarize what you are hearing and reflect back to make sure that you got it right rather than just assuming so. Communicating this way can feel awkward at times, but it could reconnect how you are listening and deeply connecting with your partner. Also, you may discover that you are on two different pages about things on which you thought you understood what each other felt, wanted, or desired.Consider what makes your partner feel loved, valued, appreciated, or special. Can you name a few things and get them right according to your partner when you check in? Can he do the same for you?You could also try doing two things every day that would be appreciated by your partner without either of you having to ask for it. There is some more information here, although what you do for one another does not necessarily need to be on this list:http://www.couplesinstitute.com/tracking-success-by-doing-the-daily-double/Reconnecting is a bit of a process. Try to praise yourself and your partner for attempts that you make and recognize that you're not going to get it right 100% of the time. You may also find this book to be helpful (or there are other similar ones by the same author):https://smile.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1471479801&sr=8-1&keywords=Love+languagesIf this still seems difficult, consider seeing a local mental health professional. As one more thought, recall that this relationship involves both of you. If you are both committing to change your level of connection, change will likely not be a steady uphill climb (there could be plateaus or even some dips back in a negative direction) and each of you may change at a different rate.Best wishes in your quest for connection! </s>

<s>[INST] My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me. He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way? [/INST] As someone who specializes in sexuality and polyamory, I can tell you that your experience is incredibly common. It can be helpful to keep in mind that alcohol lowers our inhibitions, and for first time threesomes or any new sexual behavior really, we humans tend to enjoy a little extra oomph to our courage levels. That being said, it also lowers our ability to make well thought-out decisions. This combined with the brain rewarding novelty (new lover, new experience with our partner etc.) and maybe even some over-zealousness and performance anxiety could likely explain why your husband was on her more than you. My encouragement to you is to try not to overthink it at this stage. Now, IF you two choose to bring her or someone else into the bedroom again and a similar thing keeps happening, I would definitely push the issue and see what's up from his perspective.The empty feeling could be any number of things including:Fear that "you're not enough for him"Fear that "she's better than you" in some wayFear that "if we keep doing this thing, he will need it and what happens if I no longer want it?"Opposite fear of "what if I now want her more than him" or "if I want the threesomes and he doesn't?"Fear of "does this mean our sex life isn't good enough as it is?"...."do we have to always add a little spice to keep it hot?"Or like Robin alluded to, preconceived notions about what culture, religion, family and friends etc. say about what marriage and sex "should" look like. I also agree with her encouragement to explore the empty feeling further and see what nuances of other feelings are in there...jealousy? insecurity? shame? regret? longing? When you can identify and name them, they are easier handled. Some of the resources I recommend poly/ sexually open couples are:Love in Abundance: a Counselors Advice on Open Relationships by Kathy LabriolaThe Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships by Kathy LabriolaRewriting the Rules: an Integrative Guide to Love, Sex, and Relationships by Meg BarkerMore Than Two: a Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory by Franklin Veaux & Eve RickertThe Game Changer: a Memoir of Disruptive Love by Franklin VeauxThe Ethical Slut: a Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Adventures by Dossie Easton & Janet HardyOpening Up: a Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan TaorminoOpen All the Way: Confessions From my Open Marriage by Sadie SmytheHenry and June: From A Journal of Love The Unexpurgated Diary of Anais Nin (1931-1932)Personally, I find your cravings to be healthy and quite normal. The key is to make them work well for you and your partner(s). Robin's also right about communication being key. Some of the suggested resources above can help get those conversations started. And if you need further assistance, absolutely I would find a sex-positive, poly-positive counselor to chat with.Best of luck to you!Tamara Powell, LMHC </s>

<s>[INST] My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me. He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way? [/INST] Because the acrobatics and excitement of sex has nothing to do with the meaning of deeper emotional attachment to another person with whom we are in a relationship.Try to distinguish between your feelings of excitement from the novel sexual arrangement and what you feel is necessary in order to feel emotionally close and attached to your husband. </s>

<s>[INST] My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me. He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way? [/INST] You need to have an honest conversation with each other about WHY you both want a threesome. Evaluate the status of your relationship with each other. Are you having issues? Fighting? Not feeling satisfied with each other? How has your sex life been with each other? If there are any problems, insecurities, issues, introducing something like this may only make your relationship worse.Open relationships and threesomes rarely work out well. Sure, there are some who successfully live this lifestyle, but it only works when both people are completely secure in their relationship with each other, harbor no jealousies or insecurities, and aren't looking to someone else to satisfy needs that aren't getting met by their spouse.Let me say that again: This is not likely to work out well for you if either of you are insecure, jealous, or looking to have needs met by this other person that you aren't getting from your spouse.That empty feeling you're having - listen to it. Dig deep to find out where it is coming from. What thoughts are going through your head when you feel that way? You'll get the answer.The other thing that helps make something like this work is for both of you to listen and respect each other. If you don't like it that he paid more attention to the other girl, he needs to know that, and he needs to respect that. If you're going to do it again, he needs to know what you're comfortable with and what you want. Set the limits before you're in the moment, before it's too late to take an action back. Turn it around and ask him what he would be comfortable with if it were a man instead of a woman.It is perfectly natural to be curious and want to experiment. A lot of people get that out of the way before settling down in a monogamous relationship. People who marry young and/or inexperienced may still feel that curiosity about things like that and want to experience them, but don't want to hurt their spouse. The REASON you are both doing this matters a lot. If there are problems in your relationship, this is likely to only make things worse. </s>

<s>[INST] My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me. He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way? [/INST] Hello there. As you have courageously explained your soulful dilemma. I can appreciate the complexity of this situation. You have identified some key factors that may be contributing to your sense of feeling "empty". One, is the ultimate goal here able to be acquired from this arrangement? Are you trying to have your fulfillment with another woman while in the presence of your husband but not with him 'on her' as much or at all? Are you trying to ask him to be more passive participant? Perhaps be careful of not drinking too heavily... In the whole event, how do you want to feel intimate or connected ? Were you craving all along, him to really be all over you along with her? These are questions that arise; maybe not solutions. Its always good to be very clear with oneself of what is the ultimate target here... And always measure the potential danger.. Peace - keith </s>

<s>[INST] My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me. He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way? [/INST] Hello, and thank you for your question. Nervousness, when doing something new, especially something sexual that can feel so personal, is very common. Indeed, despite the fact that nervousness can be uncomfortable, it is also part of the excitement of trying something new. Many people who engage in open, polyamorous, and/or other-type relationships, will tell you that difficult feelings, such as jealousy and anger, do show up sometimes. This doesn't prove that there is something wrong with the relationship, it just shows that you retain normal human emotions while in one. And many people who are in polyamorous relationships have written about the work it sometimes takes to make such relationships work. Of course, all relationships take work, so polyamorous and other types of relationships are simply not an exception. There could be several reasons why you are feeling the way you do. One reason could be that you are simply not as comfortable with the idea as you think you are. Some time and good communication with your husband may help you with this. Another reason this may be bothering you is because, on some level, you are aware of the messages society gives us about marriages. They are supposed to be monogamous, heterosexual, etc. etc. Just because you may not agree with these beliefs doesn't mean that you haven't been influenced by them. We all have. Another reason this may be upsetting you is because it may feel a little frightening. Perhaps there are a lot of "What ifs" going on in your mind. When you get the "empty" feeling, it may be helpful to try to really nail down the emotions that are attached to that feeling. One thing that I do think is very important is that you communicate these feelings to your husband. It may even be a good idea to talk about expectations or "ground rules", if you will. It is important that you are both on the same page about what this is, and why you are doing it. If you continue to struggle, I suggest finding a counselor who has experience in sex and sexuality. I wish you well.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC </s>

<s>[INST] I have cheated on my husband of five years roughly ten times. I pretend we aren't married at my work. Recently, he has caught on, but I lie to cover it. He use to talk to girls online, but I have caught myself constantly having a affair. [/INST] Whether to divorce or not depends on your reasoning to do so.Marriage is its own unique existence dependent on what the partners want from it.Examine your terms of satisfaction from the marriage.Maybe you have very clear reasons to continue the marriage.Maybe you dont.Only you can decide if what youre contributing and benefitting is satisfying enough to stay. </s>

<s>[INST] I have cheated on my husband of five years roughly ten times. I pretend we aren't married at my work. Recently, he has caught on, but I lie to cover it. He use to talk to girls online, but I have caught myself constantly having a affair. [/INST] Clearly you seem interested inbeing other people, and you are also concerned about your husband being unfaithful online. But it seems like there is something that keeps you with your husband. And I have so many questions for you: What are you looking for outside of your marriage? Are you willing to give that up if your husband is not able to provide it? Do you want to stay together and make it work? Do you want to open the lines of communication with your husband, so you could analyze the situation together?I suggest attending couples therapy or even couples mediation to assess and discuss where you want to go whit your relationship. It will also help to establish healthy lines of communication, where you could express the pros and cons of the relationship, analyze if you are willing to work to stay together, or have some closure and process a separation. I provide a combination of counseling and mediation in couple's therapy, you can call 787466-5478 to make an appointment.Deber divorciarme?Le he sido infiel a mi esposo al menos diez veces en los ltimos cinco aos. En el trabajo pretendo que no soy casada. Recientemente se fijo, pero ment para cubrirlo. El hablaba con mujeres por el internet, pero yo he tenido varias aventuras.Claramente tu estas interesada en ver a otras personas, y estas preocupada de que tu esposo haya sido infiel. Pero al parecer hay algo que aun sostiene la relacin. Tengo varias preguntas para ti: Que estas buscando fuera de tu matrimonio? Ests dispuesta a dejar lo que encuentras fuera del matrimonio, si tu esposo no puede drtelo? Quieres quedarte con l y hacerlo funcionar? Te gustara abrir las lneas de comunicacin con tu esposo, para que puedan analizar su relacin?Les sugiero hacer terapia de pareja o inclusive mediacin, para asesar y discutir a donde quieres llegar con tu relacin. Tambin les ayudara a re-establecer lneas de comunicacin de manera que puedan expresar los pros y contras de estar juntos, ver si pueden trabajar para mejorar su matrimonio o partir amigablemente. En mi consultorio proveo una combinacin de consejera de pareja y mediacin, puede llamar al 787-466-5478 para una cita. </s>

<s>[INST] I have cheated on my husband of five years roughly ten times. I pretend we aren't married at my work. Recently, he has caught on, but I lie to cover it. He use to talk to girls online, but I have caught myself constantly having a affair. [/INST] It may be helpful to have this emotionally impactful conversation in the context of couples therapy.Whether or not you should get a divorce is not the first question that comes to mind for me, but more along the lines of do you want to be together and what kind of relationship do you want to create?For some people, polyamorous relationships (those involving more than two people) are acceptable. This does not work for everyone, but if each of you agree that that is okay, it may work for you and your husband. If it is something that you are both open to, it is often beneficial to have more than one discussion about the details of what is acceptable for each of you.If you want to be devoted only to each other, what does that lifestyle look like for each of you? What can you start or stop doing right now to move your relationship in that direction?Neither of you can make the other partner change. That does not mean you cannot talk about what each of your goals are together and support each other in working toward those goals you have for yourselves.Sometime having discussions like these is easier when there is a structure and/or someone in the room (like a therapist) who can help keep the conversation on topic and work on having each of you communicate in a way that expresses your wants, wishes, and desires in a way that is not blaming of your partner.If either of you wants a divorce, that could be part of the discussion. Divorce is not the only choice here, depending upon what each of you wants and is willing to accept, learn, and grow from as it relates to yourself and your partner. </s>

<s>[INST] My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex? [/INST] Unfortunately, you will never know the true answer. This is really frustrating to hear, but you will never 100% be able to guarantee that he has given you the truth. So if you can, work on accepting that, breathing through that,He may not fully remember, he may have lied to you in the past or he is lying now. He may have been honest then or he may be honest not.As for options, you can talk to him and provide a safe space for him to tell you what happened. This could be a private conversation with you or at a counseling session. He would need to feel safe to tell you the truth. But remember, there are no guarantees. You would need to make a decision to trust him or not. And go from there. A couples counselor can help guide that conversation, and make sure that he is feeling safe to share.More important than if he actually had sex or not, I would evaluate your relationship. Do you trust him now? Were there trust issues before? Does he hide things now? Identifying your current trust levels will be important for having a healthy relationship now. Hope this helps, even if it is frustrating to not have guarantees. </s>

<s>[INST] My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex? [/INST] I've been in this situation before and have some insight to share with you. In my experience, he was lying and trying to cover it up. By pushing you to std testing, he's distracting you so he can shift the guilt he feels and blame it on you. In a guilty man's mind I believe he's thinking-...if I cheated...you must have as well....but you're much worse than I because it's okay for me to cheat...but not you...now you're a cheating dirty slut...just like that prostituteMen believe they're entitled to treat women and children like property. Often they use intimidation and violence to control us.He'll never admit to cheating, he'll never apologize and he'll do it again and again. Truly they don't think it's a big deal, it's just their way of being social. They desperately want us to accept it, perhaps join in the act. </s>

<s>[INST] My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex? [/INST] It sounds like you've been living with this uncertainty for those couple years since this happened.The reality is you won't ever "know" - mostly because of the various versions your husband has provided you.Infidelity, though painful, does not have to kill a marriage. Secrecy and dishonesty certainly will though. I encourage you and your husband to seek therapy together with someone who specializes in couples work. The longer you wait to do so, the more damage is done to whatever connection you have and the greater the distrust will become. Please get qualified help, for your and your husband's sake. </s>

<s>[INST] My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex? [/INST] Hello, The truth is that you will never know unless your husband decides to be upfront about the details to gain your trust. One thing is for sure though, not knowing and having this uncertainty in your heart will push your husband and you further away from being able to repair the marriage. The best thing you both can do is seek professional help to navigate this issue and start doing damage control. It sounds as if you are committed to this marriage and I am sure your husband is too. It will take some time and purpose, but you can recover from this if you both commit. Don't wait and start working the steps to find peace of mind and a way to reconnect with the man you love. Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling </s>

<s>[INST] My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex? [/INST] The only two people who know the answer to your question are your husband and the prostitute.The question you did and can answer is the reason you would doubt your husband, which is bc of his multiple stories.Ideally your husband cares to restore your sense of confidence in the stories he tells you.If you state your doubts and your interest for the truth, ideally he will produce enough evidence of the truth so you will have facts and can make sense of them. Hopefully the two of you will do this sense making together, especially if he did have sex w the prostititute.If he's unwilling to care about restoring your trust in him, then this is a different problem entirely. </s>

<s>[INST] My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex? [/INST] The answer lies in what the outcome will be. How will things end if you find out he had sex with a prostitute? Will you leave? Will you try to work things out?The multiple versions are concerning. He seems unable to be truthful and this is damaging your relationship.Before considering marital therapy, please find a counselor for yourself. The right therapist can help you uncover what is right for you. </s>

<s>[INST] I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help? [/INST] If you connect with your therapist and can say whatever you want to say and not be judged. If you feel like things, situations, your outlook are shifting for you. </s>

<s>[INST] I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help? [/INST] Y'know, to see a man you've loved and care for pass on must make ya' want to cry and weep a bunch, don't it?And, may I say to you that... (as I've long since said)... if you need to mourn, take about a week or so and mourn like your life depended on it. I mean, get to weeping, gnashing, moaning, crying, solemnness, and reflection.And then, after about a week or so, reflect on the man as if he were a well-beloved traveler... sent off on a wondrous journey that will consume and encapsulate his entire awareness... and...Rather than expression vibrations of fatigue, sadness, and anger, send him the finest recollections and images you have of him, and regard him fondly...For, I think you will realize that the dead are not gone forever, but are actually extraordinarily active... and when he sees what you express out from within yourself, he experiences it himself (probably more than you know); so, why not send the very best you have out to him :) </s>

<s>[INST] I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help? [/INST] I am sorry for your loss. I understand the difficulty of needing help and not having financial resources. In some areas, you can dial 211 and find resources in the area that may be free of cost or low cost. In addition, often hospitals and community centers, churches, etc. have support groups. These are often free and many include grief and loss issues. Finally, there are some therapists who work on sliding scales and even sometimes offer pro bono sessions for clients. Hopefully some of these leads work out for you so that you can get the support that you need. </s>

<s>[INST] I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help? [/INST] Losing someone you love, someone who has been there from your very first days, is really hard. Look for a local hospice support organization in your community - grief groups and counseling are often available through these centers. Don't just tough it out and wait for your sadness to fade. Your grandfather would not want that for you. Take extra good care of yourself and get some support </s>

<s>[INST] I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help? [/INST] Your local hospice will have grief support groups and free community counseling available with bereavement counselors who are expects with grief and loss. </s>

<s>[INST] I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help? [/INST] Hello,I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your grandpa. My suggestion would be to look into community mental health agencies in your area. Sometimes they can offer low-fee counseling. You can also check the hospitals in your area because they may offer free or low-fee bereavement support groups, which can be very helpful. Lastly, you may want to look into reading some books about grief as they can help you understand the general effects of grief and feel comforted that you are not alone. Lastly, some therapists offer sliding scale, or reduced fee so it doesn't hurt to call some local therapists to see if they offer could offer a very low-fee. I hope this helps! Please take good care of yourself. Grief is so difficult but please know the pain will ease up over time.Warmly,Angela Topcu, MFT </s>

<s>[INST] I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help? [/INST] I am so sorry to hear about your loss. He must have been very special to you and it definitely makes sense that you are having a hard time with it.Counseling may be an option if you have a university near you with a graduate marriage and family therapist program. Graduate students provide counseling at a very low cost as part of their traineeship. Here is an example...http://www.clucounseling.org/. Another possibility is a support group for bereavement and loss. Many are free.I wish you the best towards healing your heart. </s>

<s>[INST] I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help? [/INST] I'm sorry you lost your grandpa. Some things that may help you through this tough time are to journal or write about special memories you have of your grandpa. You could also journal about your feelings of loss and how you miss him. Another thing that might help is to talk with a friend or family member. Sharing special memories of the person you lost can help you to grieve.If you would like to pursue counseling I would suggest doing an internet search for grief groups in your area. Sometimes hospitals or hospice centers will offer them for free or low cost. You can also do an internet search for non-profit counseling clinics in your area. Many cities and towns will have a non-profit clinic that can provide low cost counseling, it might be worth checking into. </s>

<s>[INST] I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I dont think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help? [/INST] I'm sorry your grandpa died.Good for you to write on this site about wanting help to know how best to live with this new loss.Have you looked online for blogs and forums about adjusting to a recent death? That you know you'd like another person to help you adjust, is a good sign of your own mental health stability.It is possible that reading online blogs and discussion forums, writing on these if you feel like doing so, and possibly joining a local free support group, will be all you need to feel better.There is no set timeline in grief. Let yourself take as much time as you feel is best for you. </s>

<s>[INST] My grandma and brother both passed away 11 years ago and sometimes at night I just can't stop crying while thinking about the good memories we had but won't have ever again. I can't sleep at night when the memories and tears come I'll be fine all day then at night...boom! it's like waterfalls from my eyes. Why can't I stop crying? [/INST] It's good to know you are reminiscing about good memories. The sadness and crying is normal when you are missing a loved one. You are noticing that grief changes, it doesn't just stop. You have recognized that there will be moments in life that you will want to have shared with your brother and grandma and it just seems unfair that you cannot. I often find that when someone is stuck in the place you are, it is a result of unfinished business and in your case, it appears, unfinished futures. A professional versed in grieving and it's intricacies, can guide you to navigate through this and lessen the intensity that you experience. As life goes on, there will be many moments that you will have wished they were present, but those moments do not have to bring you such intense emotion. Seek some help, you won't regret it. </s>

<s>[INST] My grandma and brother both passed away 11 years ago and sometimes at night I just can't stop crying while thinking about the good memories we had but won't have ever again. I can't sleep at night when the memories and tears come I'll be fine all day then at night...boom! it's like waterfalls from my eyes. Why can't I stop crying? [/INST] Because you're sad and miss the relationship you had w grandma and your brother.The academic point that grief takes a different length of time to lift for each person, is true.Also, from a spiritual perspective, your grandma and brother are still here in loving relation to you, just not in physical body. Pay attention if you have a sense of talking to them within your mind. This may lessen your feeling of loss.When you're done crying about missing them, your grief will simply disappear on its own! It cannot be forced to leave. </s>

<s>[INST] Last year, I just always felt hopeless. I don't have a great relationship with my sister. I lost my mother recently, and that really added to my sadness. My sister always brings up how I was never close to my mother. [/INST] I am so sorry about your loss. Losing someone you love is always difficult, however, losing a mother is a significant loss in a daughters life. What makes this loss complicated is that it appears you have also had a loss in your relationship with your sister. It is difficult to know what happened with your sister with the limited information you have provided, but what I suspect is that there are some unresolved issues between the two of you and that she may be projecting her pain on to you. It is important to remember that your sister is also grieving the loss of your mother and may not be dealing with it in a very healthy way. By her bringing up your relationship with your mother and suggesting that you were "never close" to her is her opinion. Only you can define and determine what your relationship was like with your mother. If there is truth to this, then it may be something you may need to talk about with a counselor. There could be an added layer of ambiguous loss in that you are not only grieving her physical absence, but could be grieving the loss of a relationship you wish you could have had with her and the realization that you never will. You and your sister are both in the heart of the grieving cycle. When two people are grieving the same loss at the same time, it is difficult to provide support to each other because of their own struggle, even if they both were on good terms with each other. Depression is part of the cycle of grief. It is absolutely normal to feel sad, as well as experiencing other depressive symptoms (i.e., feelings of isolation, lack of motivation, low energy, sleep or appetite changes, etc.). Anger is another phase of the grief cycle. Your sister may be stuck in the anger phase, not wanting to connect with her own feelings of sadness, so this may be why she is being hurtful towards you, in projecting her anger onto you in order to avoid the vulnerability of experiencing her own grief.Finally, it appears that your depression proceeded the loss of your mother and is making your experience with grief more complicated. Were you officially diagnosed and treated for depression prior to your loss? Depression in grief is different than a depressive mood disorder. Depression can be situational (i.e., triggered by an event) or related to genetics, undiagnosed health issues, stress, trauma or other potential risk factors. If you have a family history of depression, you are more susceptible to have depression. It would be wise for you to discuss this with a mental health provider, and if necessary, get treatment through counseling and medical interventions. </s>

<s>[INST] Last year, I just always felt hopeless. I don't have a great relationship with my sister. I lost my mother recently, and that really added to my sadness. My sister always brings up how I was never close to my mother. [/INST] Wow what a painful journey you have been in for a long time. Death and grief bring up so many painful reminders of relationships--what they could have been, never were, and what was lost. With death of a family member the family often falls apart for a while... or longer. I hope you can find some support for you and your pain that was occurring before your mom's passing. I also hope you can find someone to help you set boundaries with your sister so you can have your time (as long as you need) to heal from losing your mom and then later figure out how to interact with your sister. </s>

<s>[INST] The past always feels much brighter and more beautiful than my present. Everything about what's gone feels so amazing; almost like I'm high off nostalgia. But in the end it just makes me feel sadder knowing that all of the memories (and a close friend that left me) are gone forever. How do I move past that and live more in the present? [/INST] Do some self-reflecting as to what areas of your life you'd currently like to develop.The good news is you know how happiness feels.That you were able to create situations and dynamics which produced happiness in your life is good motivation to believe happiness is possible and to try new ways to create this in your life. </s>

<s>[INST] I spent my whole life taking care of my dad, but left because of his verbally abusive behavior. I was the only one that helped with his health issues. I feel if I hadn't left he might still be alive. I need help dealing with my grief and guilty conscience. [/INST] I see such a sharp contrast between your question and your first sentence. Do you see it? "I feel guilty about my father's death", and "I spent my WHOLE LIFE taking care of my dad." Wow. After everyone else had left him to his misery, you hung in there. He is so lucky to have had you there. You didn't have to do that.I have a hunch that your dad blamed you for a lot of things. Abusive people do that a lot; they make you believe things are your fault when they're not. You did the opposite of what you fear you did. You didn't contribute to your dad's death; your selfless care gave him a longer life...better health. In the end, no one's love and care could save him.No one could fault you for deciding you had had enough at some point. I would never expect anyone to keep putting themselves in a hurting place over and over again. But this is what you did. You did it for him, and you did it so you wouldn't feel guilty. But you feel guilty anyway, right?...so putting yourself in that position was only worth it if you allow your loving acts to melt away the guilt. Can you tell yourself "It's okay that I had to take care of myself too."... "I gave up a lot for my dad; I have nothing to feel guilty about".Putting yourself last for your dad was a loving thing to do. And... my hope is that you can also find different ways to help yourself feel "good enough" in this world, and a balance between caring for others and caring for yourself. :) </s>