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zrtdv5 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-21T16:33:42 | Ethereum Name Service ($ENS) is Airdropping Tokens worth up to 5000$ for the first 1000 People To Claim it. | CONCLUDED | Gukhhj3_8203 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zrtdv5/ethereum_name_service_ens_is_airdropping_tokens/ | false | false | [
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zrtmx2 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-21T16:40:04 | Ferrari's new NFT collection is Live. 800 NFTs for the first 800 people. | CONCLUDED | AllegraLopez_2532 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zrtmx2/ferraris_new_nft_collection_is_live_800_nfts_for/ | false | false | [
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zrtnwr | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-21T16:40:45 | Ethereum Name Service ($ENS) is Airdropping Tokens worth up to 5000$ for the first 1000 People To Claim it. | CONCLUDED | Jaschasuess_5506 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zrtnwr/ethereum_name_service_ens_is_airdropping_tokens/ | false | false | [
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zruqer | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-21T17:21:44 | Rolls Royce is Airdropping 500 Free NFTs for first 500 People To Claim It. | CONCLUDED | missleeloooo_8787 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zruqer/rolls_royce_is_airdropping_500_free_nfts_for/ | false | false | [
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zruu0b | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-21T17:24:00 | Rolls Royce is Airdropping 500 Free NFTs for first 500 People To Claim It. | CONCLUDED | NavidChoudhury_8697 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zruu0b/rolls_royce_is_airdropping_500_free_nfts_for/ | false | false | [
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zruzou | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-21T17:27:35 | Rolls Royce is Airdropping 500 Free NFTs for first 500 People To Claim It. | CONCLUDED | luibriggxiu_6991 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zruzou/rolls_royce_is_airdropping_500_free_nfts_for/ | false | false | [
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zrvnai | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-21T17:52:38 | I (22M) got a girlfriend and my gay bestfriend (22m) stopped talking to me. | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zrvnai/i_22m_got_a_girlfriend_and_my_gay_bestfriend_22m/ | false | false | [
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zrwn20 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-21T18:31:58 | Guy messes up when he finds out his brother has adopted a baby, asks if he is TA | CONCLUDED | Cultural-Analysis-24 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zrwn20/guy_messes_up_when_he_finds_out_his_brother_has/ | false | false | [
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zs1qkp | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/obiwankenobot **in** r/drugs
[**Found two pills in my son's pants, what are they and how do I handle this?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/Drugs/comments/772eoi/found_two_pills_in_my_sons_pants_what_are_they/) \- 18/10/2017 00:02
Before you freak out on me for invasion of privacy, he's 17 and he damn well knows not to leave stuff in his pants pockets because I check them before I do laundry in order to not wash money. I've found pot and one time I found Adderall in his pockets and gave it back to him because honestly he could be doing much worse and I'm sure he didn't leave it there for me. This time it's pills I don't recognize, and I'm genuinely concerned that it's opiates or something that I need to talk with him about. First one is orange-y peach and round, AN on top, 515 on bottom, scored in the middle. The other two are the same, they have a funny-looking angular lowercase b on the non-scored side, scored side is 887 | 2 and blue and football-shaped. They're probably not that common because I asked one of my friends who's a recovering polydrug addict if she's seen them before, and she hasn't. Thanks for helping me out and getting through this.
[**I found a baggie of estradiol and spironolactone in my outwardly male child's pants, how do I handle this?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/MtF/comments/772kvi/i_found_a_baggie_of_estradiol_and_spironolactone/) \- 18/10/2017 00:30
I thought I found drugs drugs when I was doing my kid's laundry but with the help of a drug-dedicated sub it turns out I really found trans drugs! I'm actually really excited for him (her?). He's always been pretty feminine and into gay rights and stuff, so I'm not sure why this is so shocking (in a good way! A surprise to be sure, but a welcome one.) but it is. So what do I do? Do I just give them back and pretend I didn't even look at the pills, assuming they're Tylenol or something? It might be better for him to come out at his own pace, but I also want him to know I completely support him no matter what he does.
**Relevant comments**
>"I found these in your pocket. I'm here if you want to talk to me, and know that I'll always love you no matter what."
​
>This is what I'll do.
[**A long overdue update: I'm the mother that found hormone pills in her trans daughter's pocket before knowing she was trans about a month ago**](https://www.reddit.com/r/MtF/comments/7cwfak/a_long_overdue_update_im_the_mother_that_found/) \- 14/11/2017
So, what I did was knock on her bedroom door and give them back to her with a smile and said, "I found these in your pocket. I know what they are, and I just want you to know that no matter what path you take in life, you'll always be my child, and I'll always be your mother. I will always love you." She started crying right there and went back into her room for a while, so I went downstairs and made dinner. About an hour later, I knocked again, saying dinner's ready, and when she came out of her room, she had clearly been crying the whole hour. She hugged me like she hadn't seen me in years and said: "Mom, I'm transgender. I can't live life as a guy anymore. I've always felt like a girl, and never had the right words or the courage to say it."
It's like a whole new person came out of that bedroom. I asked her if she wanted me to use she/her pronouns (she did, as you can tell) and if she had a name (she did as well). She asked me if I could paint her nails black, since it helps with dysphoria alot. I happily obliged, and then did her makeup and styled her hair for her! I've never seen her so happy or readily interacting with anyone. She used to be like Kenny from South Park, just constantly hiding in her hoodie. In the last few weeks, she's been so enthusiastic about everything.
We even wear the same sizes in clothes and shoes! The only thing of mine that doesn't fit her is my bra. I was helping her get dressed up, and she put on pretty dresses and high heels. She was literally the happiest I've seen her. I even taught her how to tuck with a banana! (mama knows a thing or two about drag from her college days)
Apparently, she's been DIY'ing her hormones. I completely disapprove of DIY'ing even after she educated me because of health dangers, but I'm not going to try to get her to stop, I'm going to try to get her in to see an endo as soon as possible.
addition: thanks for all the support! I wish I could hug you all one by one
addition 2: If you're here from r/drama, just turn around and leave. You're a bunch of trolls. There's supposed to be a no participation rule, but someone's too dumb to listen.
addition 3: I'm sorry if I don't get to your comment/message in a timely fashion, I'm trying to at least address all messages, but my inbox is exploding from this post and there's only so much time in a day!
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 11,168 | 2022-12-21T21:38:14 | OOP finds pills in her teenager's pocket | CONCLUDED | __ad_ | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zs1qkp/oop_finds_pills_in_her_teenagers_pocket/ | false | false | [
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zs242h | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-21T21:51:43 | Get A free $750 Cash App Card! See if you qualify below! | CONCLUDED | 330magic_5333 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zs242h/get_a_free_750_cash_app_card_see_if_you_qualify/ | false | false | [
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zs25t7 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-21T21:52:57 | Get A free $750 Cash App Card! See if you qualify below! | CONCLUDED | dawgonomics_8330 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zs25t7/get_a_free_750_cash_app_card_see_if_you_qualify/ | false | false | [
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zs2f8j | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-21T22:02:04 | Eli5 when OOPs say they've seen their (text) post trending on (video) TikTok? | EXTERNAL | pygmy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zs2f8j/eli5_when_oops_say_theyve_seen_their_text_post/ | false | false | [
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zs2ftp | I'm not the OOP. This was posted by u/Throwaway661567 in r/amitheasshole.
Thank you u/horseracez for sending me this story!
Mood Spoiler - >!fairytales haven't prepared you for this stepmonster!<
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zkb1g9/aita_for_asking_my_husband_to_pay_for_our_sons/) (13 Dec 22)
**AITA for asking my husband to pay for our sons college with his daughters fund?**
I (36f) have been married to my husband (57m) for 2 wonderful years. I have a son from a previous relationship, Noah (18m) and he has a daughter from his previous marriage, Grace (17f).
My husband considers Noah his son and is in all but his name.
Noah is an amazing student, high GPA, plays basketball and football, volunteers for charity and is an all around great person.
Noah has recently received a likely letter from his dream school and we are all ecstatic about it.
My husband and I started talking about finances and how we are going to contribute towards tuition fees.
I was a single mom until I got married, so I haven’t got much saved but my husband has mentioned the fund he’s been collecting for college since his daughter was born.
Now here’s the part that I’m asking if i’m the Ahole for, but please read the rest of this post before making judgements, I do explain myself.
I asked my husband if we could use that money for Noah, it’s enough for all 4 years of his degree.
He said no in the beginning but I explained that while I love Grace, she isn’t very academically inclined. Average GPA, no extra curricular’s and has even said that she’s going to the community college close by for the first 2 years.
Plus, she’s a junior, we have a whole year to start building up another college fund for her.
My husband is still on the fence but at least he’s not sticking with no.
He wanted to talk to his daughter first and reiterate what I said above.
It did not go well.
He said there was screaming involved and included her calling my son and I names that I will not be repeating here. Accusing him of cheating on her mother, which is completely false and she knows it, we met 3 years ago, 7 months after his divorce.
I’ve been getting a barrage of texts and voicemails from his ex-wife’s side of the family, calling me all sorts of names.
My husband is disgusted with his daughters words and actions and is pretty upset and down right now.
I feel like I’ve caused this but my mother, sister and aunt are telling me that I did the right thing. That my son deserves that money.
I heard about this sub and wanted to get an unbiased opinion.
AITA for asking my husband to pay for our son’s tuition?
I was asked by mods to say why I believe I may be the arsehole: Because all of his daughters and ex wives family is saying that I am and I can see how upset my husband is, I can't help but think I may have caused it.
**The topmost comment on this post**
YTA YTA YTA. Whichever way you look at it, YTA. And anyone who tells you different (aka your side of the family) is an a-hole too.
That's Grace's fund, not your son's. Quit it with the entitlement.
And if your son is as academically and athletically gifted as you say he is, then he should be able to get some scholarships. Getting a part time job is also an option. As is getting financial aid. Your lack of planning and saving is on you. Grace shouldn't have to pay for it. Being a single mother is no excuse.
Also, your hubby spent close to 2 decades saving up for that fund. And your plan is to use it and then make up for it in a year?!? And not even just use it for a year while you save up for the next three years (still an a-hole move but to a lesser extent). But no. You want the whole lot. The entitlement is really strong with you! Your son is not entitled to Grace's money. Whatever you think about her academic abilities. You denigrating them and her extracurriculars or lack thereof does not give you a pass to steal her college fund. And yes, steal coz that's what you would be doing.
Edited.
Edit 2: And since they are super okay with you taking money that's not yours, instead of you stealing Grace's money, why don't you have your relatives (mother, sister and aunt) contribute to "Saint" Noah's college fund?
Edit 3: YTA for the "our son" but "his daughter" bit.
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/comments/zkziob/update_aita_for_asking_my_husband_to_pay_for_our/) (13 Dec 22)
(*This link will take you to the r/amithedevil post since i can't find the original*)
**UPDATE AITA for asking my husband to pay for our sons college with his daughters fund?**
I’ve accepted my judgement of being the asshole and have read a lot of the comments.
My husband and I have talked last night and he decided Noah won’t get the entire fund.
The plan is he will get enough for the first 3 years and the rest of the money will go to Grace. We will help Grace pay off any loans she may have to get as soon as we are able and then start a new fund for our baby.
Grace told us to ‘screw ourselves’ when he told her but we will still help her no matter what she does/says.
Like I said I’ve accepted my judgement but I would be fine with being called a lot worse if it means my son can go to his dream school.
[Grace's Comment on the original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zkb1g9/aita_for_asking_my_husband_to_pay_for_our_sons/j03vq36/)
You can't be FREAKING serious Christina!!!
When victor asked me if this post was about me, I thought 'No, she wouldn't be so crazy as to try and gain sympathy for this' but here you are!
And the lies as well!
Dad left us for you, that's why we call you a homewreaker because you are! 7 months after the divorce my ass, he went through that divorce while you lived with him
My mum told me not to hold that against him, that just because he was a bad husband didn't mean he was a bad father. Guess who's earned that new title.
You lied to try and make yourself look better and thousands of people still hate you.
Congratulations!
**Reminder - I'm not the OOP** | 9,450 | 2022-12-21T22:02:38 | AITA for asking my husband to pay for our son's college with his daughter's fund? + The daughter's comment. | CONCLUDED | prettiergenghis | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zs2ftp/aita_for_asking_my_husband_to_pay_for_our_sons/ | false | false | [
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zs2gre | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-21T22:03:34 | Get A free $750 Cash App Card! See if you qualify below! | CONCLUDED | Gutsymmc_1979 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zs2gre/get_a_free_750_cash_app_card_see_if_you_qualify/ | false | false | [
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zs2h56 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-21T22:03:52 | Get A free $750 Cash App Card! See if you qualify below! | CONCLUDED | RandomnftsWorld_3362 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zs2h56/get_a_free_750_cash_app_card_see_if_you_qualify/ | false | false | [
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zs2jwy | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-21T22:05:31 | Get A free $750 Cash App Card! See if you qualify below! | CONCLUDED | morganlinton_7262 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zs2jwy/get_a_free_750_cash_app_card_see_if_you_qualify/ | false | false | [
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zs2khi | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-21T22:05:49 | Get A free $750 Cash App Card! See if you qualify below! | CONCLUDED | 1Eleven_NFT_369 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zs2khi/get_a_free_750_cash_app_card_see_if_you_qualify/ | false | false | [
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zs2p5u | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-21T22:08:16 | Get A free $750 Cash App Card! See if you qualify below! | CONCLUDED | JPeg_Getty_1462 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zs2p5u/get_a_free_750_cash_app_card_see_if_you_qualify/ | false | false | [
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zs2qfs | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-21T22:09:00 | Get A free $750 Cash App Card! See if you qualify below! | CONCLUDED | Kekelepew_8348 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zs2qfs/get_a_free_750_cash_app_card_see_if_you_qualify/ | false | false | [
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zs2sny | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-21T22:10:32 | Get A free $750 Cash App Card! See if you qualify below! | CONCLUDED | FYJ56548169_6816 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zs2sny/get_a_free_750_cash_app_card_see_if_you_qualify/ | false | false | [
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zs2vo5 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-21T22:12:47 | Get A free $750 Cash App Card! See if you qualify below! | CONCLUDED | Carbon5mokeNFT_3414 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zs2vo5/get_a_free_750_cash_app_card_see_if_you_qualify/ | false | false | [
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zs2xni | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-21T22:14:07 | Get A free $750 Cash App Card! See if you qualify below! | CONCLUDED | rcl1981_4777 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zs2xni/get_a_free_750_cash_app_card_see_if_you_qualify/ | false | false | [
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zs31rz | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-21T22:17:23 | Get A free $750 Roblox Card! Free 10000 Robux! See if you qualify below! | CONCLUDED | 41guii_4224 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zs31rz/get_a_free_750_roblox_card_free_10000_robux_see/ | false | false | [
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zs3jjm | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-21T22:31:40 | Get A free $750 Shein Card! See if you qualify below! | CONCLUDED | rafaelmox_6818 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zs3jjm/get_a_free_750_shein_card_see_if_you_qualify_below/ | false | false | [
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zs3k6i | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-21T22:32:09 | Get A free $750 Cash App Card! See if you qualify below! | CONCLUDED | AYUSHKU81091169_7871 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zs3k6i/get_a_free_750_cash_app_card_see_if_you_qualify/ | false | false | [
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zs3nlg | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-21T22:34:44 | Get A free $750 Shein Card! See if you qualify below! | CONCLUDED | JohnMorrissett_2985 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zs3nlg/get_a_free_750_shein_card_see_if_you_qualify_below/ | false | false | [
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zs3r65 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-21T22:37:14 | Get A free $750 Shein Card! See if you qualify below! | CONCLUDED | Colby43764173_2877 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zs3r65/get_a_free_750_shein_card_see_if_you_qualify_below/ | false | false | [
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zs3rpf | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-21T22:37:34 | Get A free $750 Cash App Card! See if you qualify below! | CONCLUDED | dikakrebo_6948 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zs3rpf/get_a_free_750_cash_app_card_see_if_you_qualify/ | false | false | [
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zs66lt | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/throwrabigoops1 in r/relationship_advice**
---
&nbsp;
[**My (28M) girlfriend (32F) was laying on the couch and I saw a sent photo on her screen**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ionsrh/my_28m_girlfriend_32f_was_laying_on_the_couch_and/) - 8 September 2020
Hello all, this just happened about an hour ago so I'm trying to see if my thinking is in the right place
After supper tonight, my girlfriend of 4.5 yrs was having a nap on the couch, so I went to squeeze in a little Xbox before bed. Got off about 45 mins later and she was awake on the couch. I came over to sit down beside her and saw a sent photo(a selfie of her curled up on the couch) in a conversation, looked to be insta and I said offhand "that's a good angle can I see it?" she locked the screen and said "I was just trying to take one" and I said "well I saw you take one and send it let's see it".
Now Im at about a 2 on the controlling scale, I have never asked to see her phone, never have any problems with any of her socializing etc, she never has an issue letting me use her phone/look or anything, she said no you can't see it. I said "what do you mean, I just wanna see the pic" and she got up to go to the bathroom and start doing laundry. I walked up to her and said "you realize this is a massive red flag" and she said "I don't know what you want me to say, why would you think I would cheat on you"
I replied "I never said anything about cheating, I just want to see the picture and the way youre behaving right now is extremely concerning. You've never had an issue with me doing any single thing on or with your phone or your laptop, and now you won't even open up your phone at all"
She said "can you please just leave me alone so I can go shower" I replied "so you won't let me see what the picture was?" and she said no
Now this is all well within her rights, but she has never acted like this whatsoever. There's never been any significant issues (few small things here and there of course) between us. She does have quite a few male friends but it's nothing I get jealous over
Once she was done in the shower, she went straight to bed and I went in and said "this is a very serious thing for me, if you want to deal with this right now we can, but otherwise this will destroy our relationship for me and there's a very good chance we will not be together by the time next month's rent is due" and she just said "I don't know what you want me to say, I didn't do anything wrong" so I took my pillow and I am on the couch now.
I've had issues in the past with ex's cheating on me, and she knows this. That's why it's been great that I've not had a reason to worry until this. Just a completely different person during that discussion and I have a very bad feeling in my gut and not sure what to do
Edit: she texted (yes texted) me from the bedroom, saying "I was just in the bathroom for 1 minute looking at my back on my phone, I didn't want you to make fun of me for looking at my back". This has literally 0 to do with what happened and seems like she has a completely terrible excuse and timeline of events. I've texted a few friends to see if I can arrange something since things, barring a progressive discussion tomorrow, are not looking good
**UPDATE:**
For everyone messaging me about an update, here it is.
I went into work and told my boss we ran into some possible issues the night before, and I felt like I needed to go home to address them, so I did. I went home and we hashed it out. She didn't delete the messages, and showed me. It was just as she said. She said she sort of freaked out as she felt I was just coming at her with cheating accusations, she used to have an emotionally abusive boyfriend (I've known this from the start) so she just sort of went in lockdown mode. I believe her, I've had no reason to think she would lie to me. During this conversation other issues that we have with one another in the relationship came out, and we hashed those out too. Overall we both have a lot of work to do on ourselves and for us as a couple.
As for where the "looking at my back" part came in, she was in the bathroom just before everything happened I guess, taking pictures of her back. She showed me said pictures, and she brought up "why would you think I'm cheating" during the altercation as she thought I knew she was in there, and that I thought she was sending nudes.
For everyone messaging and replying saying how controlling and insecure I am, I get how this post came across that way but it's just not true. I've never asked to see any conversations, snaps, DMs etc in any way other than a "whats so and so up to". I don't control who she talks to, where she goes, who she hangs out with, nothing of that sort. It's just not me. Frankly I don't really care, since she's coming home at the end of the night to me. But when you're with someone for 4.5 years, living together for 3, you know what normal behavior is and what abnormal behavior is, and this was definitely abnormal. I'm sure a good portion will just think "get a load of this guy" but you're all entitled to your opinion. Like I said earlier, we both have things to work on, and that includes I guess trying to mentally get over the baggage we both have from previous relationships.
All in all, the messages were nothing to worry about, I overreacted because of the strange behavior she showed due to a previous relationship, and we were both able to bring up things we'd like the other to work on. Perhaps I'm a fool and just got swindled but as of right now I have no reason to believe there is any suspect shit going on.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 4,001 | 2022-12-22T00:09:23 | My (28M) girlfriend (32F) was laying on the couch and I saw a sent photo on her screen | CONCLUDED | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zs66lt/my_28m_girlfriend_32f_was_laying_on_the_couch_and/ | false | false | [
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zs6f35 | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/throw_friescountry in r/amitheasshole**
---
&nbsp;
[**AITA for accidentally calling out a new colleague on lying about her language skills?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/logumz/aita_for_accidentally_calling_out_a_new_colleague/) - 20 February 2021
Last week a new colleague "Cathy" (33f) started at my (25f) work place. She instantly stood out in the team, because she seems like someone who is very... loud and assertive? Two of my colleagues, me and Cathy were having coffee in the break room (we were the only ones in there and we were sitting far apart), when the subject of travel was brought up. My colleague said she wasn't booking trips anymore because it'll probably get cancelled because of covid anyway. Cathy, immediately cut in about how sad she is because she travels so often and she goes on these far "exotic" trips to Europe as her hobby. When I think exotic I think the Bahamas or something instead of Europe but. Cool.
Cathy then jokes about how all this "no travel business" is making her fear that she'll lose some of her foreign language skills. I asked what languages she spoke. She claimed to be fluent in 3 European languages, among which were French and Dutch. Cathy said she was "at a native speaker level" and went on about how people in Europe were always surprised when they found out she wasn't from there.
I was excited, because I never get to speak Dutch over here. I was raised in Belgium, which has three national languages: French and Dutch (which are my mother tongues and the most commonly spoken there) and German. It's quite common to be pretty fluent in at least two out of the three languages in Belgium, because you're required to learn them at school (along with English) from a young age. I told Cathy "oh leuk, dan hebben we iets gemeenschappelijk!" ("oh fun, we have something in common then!")
She immediately pulled this sour face and asked me if that was supposed to be Dutch. I said yes. She laughed awkwardly and said she "couldn't understand because I have a terrible accent and must not be that good at speaking it." Now see, I don't have an accent. I speak Dutch more fluently than I speak English. I told Cathy that I grew up speaking Dutch and speak it to my family all the time.
She got miffed and asked what languages I speak and where I'm from. I told her I'm from Belgium, so I also speak French and I added "which you just said you speak as well, cool! We can speak French instead!" I acknowledge that I was a bit of a dick here, because by that point I knew she probably lied about speaking French as well. She then shoved her chair back and angrily got up, said "whatever" and stomped off. It was awkward. My other colleagues just kinda shrugged and said she shouldn't have lied.
However, she later approached me and told me I embarrassed her by acting "superior" about my European heritage. I told her there was no way for me to know she'd lied about speaking those languages. She rolled her eyes and told me I was immature. A colleague told me that Cathy had called me a "little b-word who enjoys bullying new colleagues" behind my back later. I don't think I was a bully at all, but I don't want this to turn into a huge thing. Do I just apologize to keep the peace? AITA?
Verdict: NTA
**Edit 1:**
I'm not sure about escalating this to HR, which a lot of people have told me I have to do. I feel like this might make me look immature to the rest of my colleagues (of which I am the youngest) and it might not need to go that far... It depends on if Cathy is willing to put this behind her and be professional. If all else fails I do have "witnesses" who would be honest about what happened, so I think I might be in the clear if she tries to twist the story.
**Edit 2:**
Some people have taken offense to me giving the Bahamas as an example of an "exotic" place and are trying to make this into a race issue. I didn't know "exotic" was an offensive term in the US. Do I think of The Netherlands, Belgium, England, Norway, which were countries she was describing as being faraway exotic destinations, as my idea of an exotic trip? No. Not because there's a lot of white people there, but because when I think of exotic I think of a place with nice sunny weather, white sand beaches and a blue ocean. Maybe it's because I'm from Belgium, but I don't really feel like being in my home country where it's dark and rainy all the time is quite that experience.
**Edit 3:**
Some people think she might not have understood me because she is fluent in Dutch, but learned it in the Netherlands, which has different accents. While it is true that The Netherlands and Flandres have different accents, I didn't speak a very specific dialect like West-Flemish or something. I spoke the general Dutch you'd see in the news in Flandres. I didn't speak quickly to try and make it incomprehensible to set her up. I genuinely believed she spoke Dutch because that's what she was saying, so I talked to her in normal, conversational Dutch. The same kind of Dutch I'd use in a work environment back in my home country, the same kind of Dutch I use with friends from The Netherlands. (But with a soft "g" lol.)
&nbsp;
[**Update: AITA for accidentally calling out a new colleague on lying about her language skills?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/nzsu2d/update_aita_for_accidentally_calling_out_a_new/) - 14 June 2021
So a couple of months ago things went down with a new colleague who was lying about her language skills.
Many people gave the advice to go to HR, others said NOT to go to HR because that would be escalating the situation. I decided not to go to HR right then, but I did take the advice to write down what happened, with the time and the names of the other colleagues present just in case. I thought the situation might blow over, because Cathy was probably just embarrassed.
Well, I was wrong. Cathy kept being cold to me, rolling her eyes at me in meetings and talking behind my back. Another colleague came to confront me at one point to ask me why I'd been so mean. Apparently Cathy was telling a different version of what happened. Cathy said that I'd said mean things to her in Dutch and was making fun of her in Dutch, so no one else but her could understand. She was smart enough to only tell these stories to colleagues who weren't actually there for it. Word got around and it turned into a bigger issue, with a couple people actually questioning my character, mostly just colleagues that don't work very close to me.
HR got wind of it after a while and I got called in close to a month after the incident. They had already met with Cathy and she'd told them the "she cursed me out in Dutch and was very mean to me" story. I told them the full story and everything that happened after. They asked me if there was anyone else present who could confirm this, so those colleagues came and told them that Cathy had lied about speaking a language, stormed out and then started calling me a b-word etc. to others. They thanked me for my time and I got on with work.
Nothing happened until a week later when I was informed that Cathy was asked to leave. Apparently Cathy had doubled down on the lies and told everyone I was the one lying and she did speak those languages, so my boss told her in that case she'd have no problem talking to one of our Canadian colleagues (who wasn't involved in the situation) in French in front of him, just to confirm. At this point Cathy admitted she had been lying. It turned out she didn't speak a word of French either, or Norwegian, which was the third language she was lying about. This was enough for them to let her go, because part of the reason they hired her was that they were so impressed by her speaking multiple languages and work experiences she'd had abroad. The work experiences were made up as well.
I'm just happy it's over. I'm confident it wasn't really my fault it blew up now, if it wasn't me who caught her in a lie, someone else probably would have down the line. The few people who kind of believed her ended up coming to me and apologizing for questioning me about what happened, so that's all sorted
**Edit:**
some people asking why they didn't test her language skills in the hiring process: our jobs don't actually require us to speak Dutch, French or Norwegian. I think they probably just saw it as a "plus" or something that made her stand out from other candidates.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 6,961 | 2022-12-22T00:18:46 | AITA for accidentally calling out a new colleague on lying about her language skills? | REPOST | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zs6f35/aita_for_accidentally_calling_out_a_new_colleague/ | false | false | [
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zs6nyw | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/throwaway-929300 in r/amitheasshole**
---
&nbsp;
[**AITA for refusing to split my inheritance with my siblings?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/halg61/aita_for_refusing_to_split_my_inheritance_with_my/) - 17 June 2020
I’ll try to summarize as much as possible.
I (f19) have an estranged grandpa more or less. He’s my dad’s father, but my dad hardly had a relationship with him. I have two other siblings (one younger, (13) and one older (26). My grandma divorced my grandpa when my dad was only 10, so he lived with my grandma his whole life in a different state and didn’t see him.
When he got older he saw him a little more and my grandpa started coming around a little bit more as well. He’d stay for a week at a time and then go home. He was an old, bitter man to be honest. He never got remarried and lived his whole life in his coastal town with the same friends he’d had his whole life.
He wasn’t pleasant to be around and could hold grudges longer than anyone I’ve ever met. But regardless of this, he was filthy rich. He owned a successful business that he sold for $1m dollars. He retired after selling, but his house sits on an island as well as the biggest piece of land on the island. So it sold for well over $3m.
I was never close with my grandpa, but I took after his sister who is an RN and he adores her. He always told me that he was proud to see me follow in her footsteps.
He died a few months ago. Since then, my family has been torn apart. He left everything to me. He essentially liquidated all of his assets and it ended up being close to 8 million dollars. I was shocked. I didn’t and still don’t know what to do with the money, but I’m going to save it.
My dad and stepmom as well as my siblings are hounding me to split the money with them. I just can’t do it.
My dad is an alcoholic who never said anything nice about his dad. Despite him being bitter, my grandpa actually bought my dad a $300,000 house. My dad would 100% drink away any money given to him.
As far as my siblings, my brother has full financial support from my grandma as he is the favorite and he’s very wasteful and ungrateful. He never talks to me and always is very mean to me when he does.
My little sister is the only person I’ve actually considered. She’s very young and that’s really the only thing stopping me. Her mom is money oriented and would take the money from her. So I’m waiting until she turns 18 and i offered to pay for her college.
But now my family is telling me I’m unfair and the money doesn’t belong to me and I’m not deserving of it. That I’m too young and I’ll waste it on cars and clothes.
I don’t agree and now they’re all threatening to cut me off and never speak to me, or even sue me if I don’t give them all a chunk of the money. I don’t know what to do and I’m buckling under pressure here. I’ve already had 2 police officers out to my house because my dad is claiming I stole the money from him. Everything was through an attorney, I know I did nothing wrong legally.. but morally? Idk. So AITA?
Verdict: NTA
&nbsp;
[**UPDATE: AITA for refusing to split my inheritance with my siblings?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/i5izx6/update_aita_for_refusing_to_split_my_inheritance/) - 7 August 2020
UPDATE: AITA for refusing to split my inheritance with my siblings?
First off, thank you to everyone for the advice, links, etc. It was greatly appreciated.
It’s been almost a month since my post so I figured I’d try to update, and clarify a few things.
1) my family & I have tried reaching out to my father to get him help, he’s declined. giving him money or even bribing him with money to get help, wouldn’t work like some of you suggested. it’s already been tested literally not even three months ago.
2) my brother is fully supported by my grandparents despite being almost 30, and they have never done anything close to that for me. therefore I didn’t feel it was necessary to give my brother anything as he had a very bad relationship with my grandpa, and only came around when he died.
3) my mother wasn’t included in the story because I didn’t think it was necessary. she has worked 3 jobs her whole life to support my brother and I because my dad was negligent and threatened her so she never got child support. she’s always supported us and provided for us even though my dad has always made double the amount she has.
4) I didn’t ask for his money. i didn’t have any previous knowledge I was even in the will. i was upset when he passed because we had always been a bit closer than him and the rest of my siblings/family.
5) my grandfather bought my dad a very nice house. he didn’t have to, but he did. my dad never said thank you. he doesn’t keep it clean and doesn’t take care of it. simply, he doesn’t deserve the money after everything that’s even given/done for him.
With all of that being said, here’s what I’ve chosen to do. I set up an account for my little sister with enough money for a 4-6 year degree, a car, and a down payment on a house. I donated a sum of it to charity’s, bought myself a new car, and put the rest of it away into CD’s that I can’t touch for another 4 years unless I pay fees to withdraw the money. I plan to renew these accounts every few years or until I absolutely need it.
Again, thank you to everyone. I was scared, lost, and overwhelmed. I couldn’t have done this without all the support and advice I was given.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 5,203 | 2022-12-22T00:28:43 | AITA for refusing to split my inheritance with my siblings? | CONCLUDED | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zs6nyw/aita_for_refusing_to_split_my_inheritance_with_my/ | false | false | [
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zsbycb | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/dirtyPirate **in** r/sailing
mood spoilers: >!mystery solved but unsettling outcome!<
\---------------------------------------
[**Sailing buddy just returned to the US, we found a satellite modem and gps device hidden in his boat.. who the hell put this there?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/sailing/comments/13tbs1/sailing_buddy_just_returned_to_the_us_we_found_a/) \- November 26 2012
Image: [https://imgur.com/a/u1OSw#D9Jhq](https://imgur.com/a/u1OSw#D9Jhq)
\---------------------------------------
**Comment 1:**
>I would ask the question *what else is on the boat*.
>
>If that was installed while your buddy owned the boat (as opposed to by the previous owner) - someone is tracking the boat. The only reason I can think of to track a *random* boat is if something else is on board that needs to be retrieved later.
>
>Second question - is the electronics active (was it powered up and does it appear active?). If it is an active circuit you should be able to hack the satellite modem to at least get an idea as to what it is talking to. (A frequency scanner would give you the output frequency which would narrow the choices).
>
>Edit: If the previous owner installed it - it is most likely just a safety system to report his location.
>
>Edit 2: Where was it installed and was there an antenna?
**Response from OOP:**
>not the previous owner, the current owner has had this vessel for 8+ years. The device is clean, way too clean to have been there long, even the adhesive that held the antenna was still somewhat soft
>
>The device was powered on and active when he found it
>
>it was installed under the companionway stairs
>
>EDIT: the capt was able to determine the date of sale of the device 2011-Jan-07, but the maker wouldn't disclose who it was sold to, we believe it was placed on the vessel in Puerto Rico.
**Comment 2:**
>IIRC from past cases with the FBI when a \[terrorist\] suspect found a device, they actually contacted the owner/suspect and requested they get their device back.
>
>EDIT: I'll also add that maybe this fiberglass work was for the purpose of smuggling??
**Response from OOP:**
>the fiberglass work was necessitated by a piece of coral making a grand entrance to the salon via the main hull, the vessel was run ashore and emergency repairs were made then she was refloated and properly repaired in PR, the owner/capt did all the fiberglass work himself because he doesn't trust anyone to work on his boat.
**Comment 3:**
>Did you switch it off or take it far ashore? If you did/do, that's when it might get interesting.
**Response from OOP:**
>it's turned off now, waiting to see who shows up to ask for it back
\---------------------------------------
[**UPDATE to: Sailing buddy just returned to the US, we found a satellite modem and gps device hidden in his boat.....**](https://www.reddit.com/r/sailing/comments/14c106/update_to_sailing_buddy_just_returned_to_the_us/) \- December 5 2012
DEA showed up at the Captain's boat to request their device back, they made some threats and acted like assholes. Lawyers are involved now.
Edit: I wonder how the supreme court ruling that states one cannot be tracked without a warrant will hold up outside US borders... except the device was put on the vessel in a US territory.
Edit 2: Thanks to Facebook Fu I have uncovered some 1st hand accounts of the Capt's encounter with the FEDS, this is 2nd hand information and the person writing it is not myself despite the usage of the words "me" and "we". This was posted July 26th.
*"Shortly after me and CAPT left the virgin islands we were hopping down the southern coast of Puerto rico and we pulled in to Ponce before we dropped anchor the Dept. homeland security motioned us over to the customs dock. These assholes searched our boat for 8 hours looking for drugs. they had 12 different officers and a k-9 unit tore up every thing. then when they couldn't find anything but my rolling papers they dispatched a unit from San Juan (2hr drive from ponce)to come and do another search. they logged our boat for search again upon entry to the US and notified the FEDS. all because capt. re did some fiberglass on the inside they thought that we hid drugs under neath the fiberglass."*
This was posted not too long ago by the Captain himself:
*"While down in Dominican Republic I found several boats of sailors i have met in the 16 years and 35,000 sea miles, repairing their boats from Puerto Rico DPNR. (which is Home land security) or what sailors call ZZ gestoppo. From where they drilled holes into the hulls in search of who knows, doing damage to these hulls. Nothing ever being found. On the water i get stopped a lot. It is not like i am trying to hide or be sneaky. Da, i painted the boat a bright yellow what the hell."*
\---------------------------------------
**Comment 1:**
>I assume they didn't get the device back then?
>
>Good for him BTW, somebody puts a GPS tracker on my property and I find it: I'd consider it my property, an anonymous gift.
**Response from OOP:**
>I would have said "what device?" and made them get a warrant to search the vessel, they might have just seized the vessel but the stink would be big enough that everyone in the world would know that the DEA is putting tracking devices on private pleasure sail boats under the guise of either war on drugs, war on terror, war on poverty, war on freedom, war on upagainstthewallmotherfucker, ectera.
>
>the Captain gave them their device back
**Comment 2:**
>What was the nature of the threats made by the DEA?
**Response from OOP:**
>I was not there to hear the conversation but threats of imprisonment and loss of property was tossed about. In this modern age the DEA can imprison one for the rest of their life without ever charging them, the DEA can seize any and all property without warrant or probable cause.
**Comment 3:**
>As someone who has spent quite a few years working for a federal agency conducting maritime interdiction of drug smugglers in Latin America, I will just put this out there that we do this all the time. It is usually not private sailing yachts, although this is not unheard of. It is usually shady fishing boats and every once in a while a bulk freighter or container ship. I am surprised the DEA had the gall to actually go ask for it back. We almost always recovered ours with a seizure, or if we did not seize, we just chalked it up to operational expenses...ping-boxes are only \~2k or so.
>
>That said, there are essentially no privacy protections for vessels sailing outside US waters, and for vessels sailing inside US waters, it is something the lawyers could argue into obscurity. Also, if we were tracking you, there is a good chance someone involved in the operation flipped and passed info on your vessel. I am not saying your buddy is dirty, I am just saying that it is pretty likely that either your friend is dirty, or someone told someone whose job it is to know these things that your friend is dirty.
**Response from OOP:**
>no one was tracking ME...
>
>if my friend was "dirty" (your words, I don't care how he smells) then he wouldn't be so fucking poor that he has to eat catfish as his primary food source. Drug dealers/smugglers are rich, rich as fuck, US government rich, cartel rich, not some poor schmuck in a crappy old boat.
>
>Lack of common sense is rampant in "federal agency(s) conducting maritime interdiction of drug smugglers"....
\---------------------------------------
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 3,125 | 2022-12-22T04:19:49 | Sailing buddy just returned to the US, we found a satellite modem and gps device hidden in his boat.. who the hell put this there? | CONCLUDED | lillypillys | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zsbycb/sailing_buddy_just_returned_to_the_us_we_found_a/ | false | false | [
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zscfp9 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-22T04:42:47 | My girlfriend didn't tell me she was trans | CONCLUDED | spicytexan | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zscfp9/my_girlfriend_didnt_tell_me_she_was_trans/ | false | false | [
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zscmt5 | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/vigilante\_shit\_13](https://www.reddit.com/user/vigilante_shit_13/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole. Short & sweet.
Your daily fun fact to prevent spoilers showing on mobile: this one is about elephants by the request of u/SteampunkCupcake_. Momma elephants are pregnant for between 18-22 months (yikes) and 99% of elephant births happen at night! I've attached the fact source, and also a video of some baby elephants and a reporter. ([Source](https://animalcorner.org/blog/amazing-facts-about-baby-elephants/), [Video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXaJlpts_IY&ab_channel=ABCNews))
**Mood Spoiler:** >!Things turn out ok for OOP!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zcqb6i/aita_for_refusing_to_give_my_cousininlaw_my/)**: December 4, 2022**
I (17f) recently got Taylor Swift tickets for her Era’s Tour. Now, as you probably know, it was a very difficult to get these tickets and I actually waited 5+ hours in the Ticketmaster queue to get them. I’ve loved Taylor Swift since I was two years old. My cousin, “John” (29m) recently got married to his wife “Jane” (27f) and I attended the wedding with my parents.
At the wedding another cousin of mine asked me whether or not I got tickets and I excitedly said yes. John overheard and pulled me aside and asked me if there was any chance, I’d be willing to give my ticket to his wife as she also tried to get tickets but didn’t manage to get any. I said that I waited a long time to get my ticket and that I didn’t want to give it up because, as he knows, I love Taylor Swift and I’m really excited about going to the concert with my friends. He seemed disappointed but ultimately walked away. I went back to my table and thought nothing of it.
Then John and Jane had their first dance which was to Taylor Swift’s Lover. At the end of the dance, he got the microphone and told everyone at the wedding that I had so kindly decided to give Jane my Taylor Swift ticket as a wedding gift. Jane started crying and said I was the best cousin ever and that I made her wedding day ten times better. I stood there in shock, and I asked if I could speak to her in private, but she brushed me off. I tried to talk to John too, but he ignored me.
My whole family kept coming up to me and saying how mature I was for giving my ticket to Jane and how it was the perfect way to welcome her to the family. I told them that I never said I’d give her my ticket and I was planning on keeping it and going with my friends, like I had originally planned. Word got back to John and Jane actually started sobbing and saying that I was selfish for not giving her my ticket and that since I didn’t get her a wedding gift, the least I could do is give her my ticket. I stood my ground and said that I did not owe her anything. John then said that I’ve already seen one of Taylor’s concerts before and that Jane hasn’t so it’s only fair that I give her my ticket. I said that I understand that it was really frustrating to wait in that queue only to not get tickets, but it wasn’t my job to make sure that Jane did and that if they were patient, the scalper prices might go down by the show and she might be able to snag tickets then. John screamed at me to leave and said that I ruined his wedding. Some of my family has been messaging me saying I'm a selfish bitch for ruining Jane's wedding and I should've waited until after the wedding to tell her that I wasn't giving her my ticket. Others, including my parents, agree that I had no obligation to give up my ticket. I hate conflict though and a part of me wonders whether I should've just let her have the ticket.
So am I the asshole?
***Relevant Comments:***
*More about her cousin and their relationship:*
"I couldn't believe it when he said it. He used to watch me when I was a kid and he knows how much I love Taylor Swift. I understanding asking but why even ask if he was going to disregard my answer anyway?"
"I've never seen him act like this before. I feel really betrayed by his actions but he's always been the kind of guy who has to act like hot shit."
***OOP is voted NTA***
**Update (Same Post): December 15, 2022**
Firstly, I’d like to thank everyone for all the kind words and the support I’ve received. It’s been incredible to see so many people stand up for me and it honestly means a lot.
Now to the update.
I listened to you guys and told my parents the severity of some of the message’s I’ve received from some people on that side of the family, and they’re pissed. They didn’t realize how bad they were until they saw them, and my dad reached out to John and said that he was out of line and that he’s disappointed that his own nephew would do something like this to his daughter. My mom told my aunt and uncle that unless I got an apology, their entire branch of the family (which were the main people who were giving me a hard time) would be uninvited to our annual Christmas party we host at our house each year. John didn’t really say anything back except that he wouldn’t apologize for trying to do right by his wife. Jane, on the other hand, did end up getting tickets for face value. Ticketmaster sent out a way for some fans who didn’t get tickets to be able to request two tickets to the show they were not able to get tickets for. Jane ended up getting two tickets and posted in on Facebook with no mention of what happened at the wedding. I’m hoping since Jane got her tickets, she’s over it now. John is very stubborn and can’t seem to ever admit when he’s wrong so I doubt I can fix that relationship which honestly makes me sad, I really don’t want any bad blood between us.
I saw that this has made it over to TikTok and I’ve gotten a lot of love and support from that as well. Thanks again everyone, this has been one of the most difficult situations I’ve ever found myself in and I really would have no idea how to navigate this without you all. | 6,378 | 2022-12-22T04:52:24 | AITA for Refusing to Give my Cousin-in-Law My Taylor Swift Ticket? | CONCLUDED | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zscmt5/aita_for_refusing_to_give_my_cousininlaw_my/ | false | false | [
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zsd0sb | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/BusinessCautious5392 **in** r/AmItheAsshole
[**AITA For Requiring My Sister to Sign A Legally Binding Contract Before I Loan Her Money?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/jj7dwx/aita_for_requiring_my_sister_to_sign_a_legally/) \- 27th October 2020
Throwaway Account
I (42f) have a successful career and inherited a decent amount of money from my late husband. I'm nowhere close to being a millionaire but it's enough so that, as long as I'm smart with the money, to only work because I want to by the time I hit 45. That's including any college expenses my two children may have in the future so long as they go to a state college.
Family knows that I have money and while I don't mind giving a couple hundred dollars here and there, because I know I most likely won't get it back, I draw the line at anything $400+. They know this but that still doesn't stop them from trying and I've always stayed firm on this. Well once the pandemic my BIL (35m) lost his job and my sister's (37f) job have reduced her hours until further notice. Two weeks ago I got a call from my mother asking if I could come over. I had no problem with this and swung by the next day and found my sister already there and I could tell she had been crying.
Based on the title you all know where this is going. So with me, her and both our parents there my sister informed me that even though her job was expected to go back to regular work hours in early 2021 there was a rumor that they would also be downsizing. She wasn't sure if her job would be secure and BIL still hasn't found any luck in getting a new job yet.
I knew what they wanted and tried to play dumb at first and offer to help find BIL and my sister jobs. My sister said that that was very generous me and she would take the offer but in the mean time what they really needed was a loan. My sister asked for at least $40,000 to help with paying off their credit card, manage the mortgage, make payments towards their Student Loans again, and still have some money left over incase the worst happened. I was quick to tell them that they were asking a lot from me, that while I did have some money I didn't just have $40,000 laying around to give out on a whim. I told them I'd have to check my finances and think about it.
After two days I started getting inquiring texts from my parents and sister and told them that I was busy this week and that I'd let them know over the weekend. I checked the numbers and it was cutting it a little close but it was doable, however, I still didn't like the idea of just giving the money away without any reassurances that I'd get it back. I drew up a rough draft of a contact and emailed it to my sister stating that I was willing to give her money after she signed the final draft and that the money would have to be given in three separate installments. My family was furious said that as the older sister it was my duty to look out for my sister in her time of need, and to make her sign a contract was offensive. I countered with that since my sister has never paid me back whenever I "loaned" her money since they day I married my husband I think this was more than fair. Everyone is still angry with me so I just wanted a more neutral perspective, AITA?
Edit: Wow stepped away for a couples and I wanted to say thanks for the support also I keep seeing a few of the same questions pop up so I'm going to clarify/mention a couple of things.
My sister and her husband can't get a loan from the bank, or at least not much, because they're credit isn't the best right now To my sister and BIL's credit they did have some savings but are burning through it since my BIL is currently out of work and my sister doesn't work enough hours right now. Also they have kids. After I got married my sister started making little jokes that compared to what my husband makes what's a few "couple" dollars to family every now and then. Over years I gave my sister at least $2,500 that she never paid back and I just stopped counting after a while because it would get me upset. I just made it a habit to stop giving her money. Although I would still pay whenever we went out to restaurants, the movies, or the spa. Edit 2: Okay had to step away again for personal stuff and when I checked I saw even more responses all talking about how I would collect my money if my sister either refused or couldn't pay me back. I left that part out because I wanted to focus on just the idea of the contract itself rather than the technicality part. As previously stated I email my sister a ROUGH DRAFT of the contract and was planning on having it notarized so that it was official but as collateral I would ownership of her and my BIL cars, if they couldn't pay. Hope that clears a few things up.
&#x200B;
**Verdict - NTA (Not the Asshole)**
&#x200B;
[**UPDATE**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kb80gi/update_update_aita_for_requiring_my_sister_to/) \- 11th December 2020
Thanks to all the wonderful and helpful comments. I won't lie familial pressure/guilt was getting to me a little because I realize how fortunate I am. I also wanted to apologize for downplaying my socio-economic status. I just have been living beneath my means for so long I sometimes forget how fortunate I truly am. I just wanted to show my children the importance of being financially responsible and rarely ever splurged.
In the end I contacted my sister and BIL for a sit down, public so they couldn't cause too much of a scene, but private enough so we could vaguely discuss sensitive information plus there was the social distancing. I simply did a basic laid down of the situation. I told them that I needed them to hear everything I had to say first and if they interrupted me I would walk away and not give lend them a cent.
First, I told them that it is good to help family when you can, but couldn't give them $40,000. I am able to offer them $3,200/mo for at least six months. I told them that I simply can't afford anymore without it effecting my kids and that I am a mother before I'm a sister or daughter. I also told them that I can't afford to bail them out every time they're in trouble and that since the future is so uncertain I may not always have the means to care for others. My money is going to have string attached and if they didn't like it they could go somewhere else. I made it clear that I wasn't doing this to be mean or controlling but I want to help my sister help herself. The rules were:
A) The money would be deposited in a new Joint bank account with one Authorized Signer.
B) My sister and BIL were going to meet with a Financial Advisor (which I would pay for).
C) Since neither of them are working it doesn't make sense to have two cars so I expect them to sell one of them and then our parents can let my sister or BIL use one of their cars when they need it.
D) Before they can get the first payment they will be having their meeting with the Financial Advisor and I will be in the meeting just so I know they went.
I made it very clearly that this is the best that I could GIVE them. They looked upset but I told them that Beggars can't be Chooser. They said they'd "think" about it. I knew that my sister was going to cry to our parents so I called them as soon as I got in the car and told them everything. I said I'm not changing my mind and that if they feel my sister needs more than what I'm offering they're more than happy to downsize and sell their own home or take out money from their own retirement and SSI, since "family helps family." If there's an update I'll put here as an edit.
Edit For INFO: I keep seeing this so just so we're clear. The $3,200/mo is going to be a gift and I told them that. I don't expect to ever see that money again, but I'm NEVER going to give my sister and BIL another cent after this and I'm prepared to go LC/NC with her over this. I know my parents will never go LC/NC with me because I'm their first choice when it comes to taking care of them when they get too old to take care of themselves
Edit For INFO 2: Forgot to mention that I don't really want sister and BIL to sell one of the cars. It's just my way of putting pressure on BIL to get a job, any job. He has a Master's and was making, I think, around $75,000 at minimum and now he wants a job in the same field making the same amount or more. If we weren't in a pandemic and he didn't have so much debt, I'd understand him wanting to hold out for something better but right now you gotta do what you gotta do.
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 3,025 | 2022-12-22T05:10:32 | OOP - AITA For Requiring My Sister to Sign A Legally Binding Contract Before I Loan Her Money? | INCONCLUSIVE | raredontstare | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zsd0sb/oop_aita_for_requiring_my_sister_to_sign_a/ | false | false | [
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zsdkuz | **I am not OOP. OOP is** [u/Revolutionary-Win713](https://www.reddit.com/user/Revolutionary-Win713/). She posted in r/AmItheAsshole
Your daily fun fact to cover up spoilers: u/sweettartsweetheart requested the slow loris. Slow lorises have two tongues!!! One that is jagged and cleans their teeth, and a longer tongue that sucks the nectar from flowers. ([Source](https://www.nestlepurelife.com/super-slow-loris-facts))
**Mood Spoiler:** >!This genuinely did not go the way I thought it would. The audacity.!<
**Original** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/zlwlxs/aita_for_asking_a_friend_to_split_the_cost_of_a/)**: December 14, 2022**
My friend and I went to dinner over the weekend, but still have not settled this issue - so I decided to take to Reddit to see what you all think.
Usually when we go out together, we each only pay for what we order - that way if someone wants a more expensive dinner or to have a few drinks, the other person isn't stuck footing their bill. Often times when I go out to eat, I will save about half my meal so I can have an easy lunch or dinner the following day. This past weekend we went to a new restaurant and were each excited to try what the place had to offer, so when my friend asked if he could try some of my meal, I willingly obliged. He then proceeded to eat the majority of what was left on my plate which was almost half of the entire meal.
When the check came, I asked him to contribute some money to my meal since he had eaten such a large portion of it and made it so there was no longer enough to make a meal out of it. He claimed that since we had always agreed to pay for what we *ordered*, he shouldn't have to pay extra since he wasn't the one that *ordered* the meal and I had willingly let him try it. I then explained that I had expected him to take a bite or two, not eat a meal's worth of food on top of eating his own entire meal. He claimed I should have specified that he could only have a bite or two if that was all I was willing to share.
I understand that we had an agreement to pay for what we ordered, but I think it's kind of a dick move to eat what was essentially an entire meal of someone else's and then expect them to pay for it. So, what do you think, Reddit? AITA?
**Edit:** Since this has already come up a few times - I wasn't paying attention to how much he was eating off my plate. At this point, he had already finished his entire meal so I didn't expect him to have enough room to eat another half a meal. On the flip side, he knows that I often split my meals to take home the extra for the next day - and even admitted as much during the conversation about the bill. I also ended up paying for everything I ordered.
**Edit #2:** It should be noted that **he admitted to knowing that I intended on bringing leftovers home for later,** and that was why he didn't polish it off completely. I had already asked for a to-go box for the food by the time he asked to try it and we were simply waiting on the box and the bill.
***Relevant Comments:***
*Many ask why she didn't stop him:*
"That's fair. In all honesty, I wasn't paying attention to how much he was eating because I generally consider someone asking if they can try a meal to mean "take a bite or two". I also wasn't expecting him to be able to eat an entire half a meal after eating a full one."
"There was a lot of stuff on the table - drinks and bread and such between us. We had swapped plates to prevent reaching over all of the things that were there, so my plate was mostly obscured. I thought it was reasonable to expect him to only take a few bites and then munch on bread or order dessert if he was still hungry - not munch on what he admitted he knew I would be taking home for leftovers."
"Yeah, but I also didn't think I had to police how much an adult guy is eating. xD"
*Why they split that way:*
"The reason we had such an agreement was that he loves ordering huge expensive meals, while I prefer getting something modest and stretching it out over two meals. He also makes more than I do and can afford to do such things, while I only get to eat out every once in a while and therefore like to make it stretch."
***OOP is voted NTA***
**Update (Same Post): December 15, 2022**
\>>>UPDATE! (Added with mod approval)
So, I sent this post to a mutual friend who shared some insight on the situation. This part is all 'he said/she said', so I am trying to take it with a grain of salt, but given how he acted this past weekend, it certainly seems to add up.
The friend I sent it to said that her boyfriend (let's call him BF) was hanging out with the "friend" I had dinner with (let's call him AH) and AH brought the dinner up in conversation, asking BF if I had "been bitching about what happened". BF said his girlfriend had mentioned there was some problem, but he didn't know any of the details. AH then told him that he had asked for a bite of my food while we were waiting for the check and intentionally ate as much as possible so I wouldn't have any leftovers to bring home. Since we had always agreed to pay for what we *ordered* he had a feeling he would get away with it.
Here's the part that kills me: when BF asked AH *why* he would do such a thing, AH replied: "Because I've taken her out to dinner like six or seven times now and she still hasn't fucked me."
For the record, he has never "taken me out to dinner," nor has he ever offered to pay for anything more than his own meal and drinks, I've always paid my own way. Even if he had offered to pay, however, that still doesn't mean he's entitled to sex... And I genuinely don't understand why he would think it would, except that he is more of a selfish pig than I had expected.
So, needless to say, I no longer feel like such an asshole. Yeah, maybe it was shitty of me to ask for him to pay, but knowing what I know now, I don't regret it a bit and I'm glad I stuck up for myself. Needless to say, I will not be going out to dinner or spending any time with AH in the future. | 9,118 | 2022-12-22T05:37:26 | AITA for asking a friend to split the cost of a meal he ate a significant portion of? | CONCLUDED | LucyAriaRose | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zsdkuz/aita_for_asking_a_friend_to_split_the_cost_of_a/ | false | false | [
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zsf7qu |
This is a final update to a story posted here previously.
Originally posted by u/brilliantproud in r/TwoHotTakes on June 15, 2022, updated July 21, '22, New Update On Oct 10th and final update on Dec 15, '22. I have marked the new updates with 🔴🔴🔴's if you would like to skip ahead.
[Original ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/vcoo5d/aita_for_predetermining_my_babys_sex/)
Am I the asshole for ‘predetermining’ my baby’s sex?
Sorry if the title isn’t great, I had a hard time coming up with something that would make sense, hopefully it does and it’s not misleading.
Okay to start me (27F) and my husband (28M) have been married for 4 years. His parents (his mother specifically) and I have never had any problems, but we’ve never quite meshed or seen eye to eye. We’ve always got along and been civil.
Our future family has been the talk for years. My husband will be the last of his siblings to have children, all of his siblings have at least one. It’s been a running joke in the family that if our first happens to be a girl she won’t be accepted because everyone else had a boy for a firstborn. The joke has never sat quite right with me but I’ve laughed it off because I don’t want to start anything and maybe I’m just being sensitive.
Fast forward to a few months ago when we started trying. It took about 3 months for me to get pregnant, we tracked my cycle and had scheduled sex for the best chance. Infertility runs in my family and my hubby and I agreed on a big family so I’ve been worried about starting a family so late in the game. When I did get pregnant, we were overjoyed. We had all the typical couple conversations that come with having a baby, the excitement, names, nursery themes, gender predictions, etc. He talked about wanting a son first so he could be the big strong leader for all his younger siblings and carry on the family name (a very big deal to him instilled by his parents). I expressed my desire to have a little girl I could dress up and match with. It became a playful banter. He’d refer to the baby as son, and I would call the baby our daughter.
About a week before our gender scan, I searched up all the old wives tales and made us a chart we could fill out together to see who would hypothetically win our little bet. It included the ring test, Chinese horoscope, heartbeat, cravings, etc. The results ended up being about 50/50 in the end which made us even more excited to find out for certain at our scan.
The following week we went to our appointment and discovered that our baby was a girl!! We were both extremely excited. Hubby was disappointed to lose but told me he was overjoyed to be raising a daughter by my side. That night we called our families to share the news. After calling his family, his mother asked to speak to him privately. I went to bed alone as their conversation carried on for well over an hour.
The following morning, I woke up alone. There was a note on my husbands nightstand explaining that someone would be by the house to pick up his belongings later this evening. I immediately tried to call him only to realize he had blocked my number. I then tried his mom.
His mother picked up on the first ring. Before I had the chance to get a word in she started chewing me out calling me a manipulative bitch. I asked her what I had done and she told me I’d ruined her sons reputation with my inexcusable behaviors and tendencies. I let her finish her rant before kindly asking her what the fuck she was taking about. She told me the divorce papers were already written up and I wouldn’t have the chance to tear apart the family like I had been intending to do all this time. I again, slightly less kindly this time, asked her what the fuck she was talking about. To which she told me my husband would be leaving me because our child is a girl.
I. Was. Gobsmacked. I explained to her that it takes two to tango and there’s no way to truly decide the gender of the baby and if her or her son had a problem with the gender it was his fault as it’s his chromosome that determines the gender, but she had proof that I’d “handpicked” to have a girl. Like I said before we used a calendar to determine which days would be best for sex. Well, MIL accused me of forcing him to ‘do it’ with me on the specific day which the Chinese horoscope would point to girl. She also interrogated me on the sex position we used to conceive the baby which I gave her a piece of my mind told her that was none of her business but she smugly informed me my husband had already told her and the position we used makes it 60% more likely to have a girl that way. (If anyones currently trying for a girl specifically doing cowgirl sometime in the middle of February should do the trick every time apparently).
She finished off by telling me that my clear preference for my family name was disgusting and she was glad to finally be rid of me and my manipulative ways before hanging up.
I’ve had no contact with my husband since and it’s been over a month. He’s blocked me on everything. I can’t help but feel that this hasn’t all been his choice, but then again he’s a grown ass adult so I can’t imagine his mother controlling him like that. I’ve been staying with my sister since it all went down, she says I can stay as long as I need but I’m thinking I want to get my own place, maybe even a few states away. What do I do? Should I pack up and move on? Should I continue trying to contact my husband? Any advice would be appreciated.
[1st Update 2 days later ](https://www.reddit.com/user/BrilliantProud/comments/ve3zew/update/)
Thank you all for all the love, it means so much to me right now. I’d also like to add that I’ve seen a few comments about my story being copied, it breaks my heart to think of anyone else having to go something similar my heart goes out to them. Also, I should have mentioned originally that I had a gut feeling to record the call with my mother in law, so I have all of that on hand if it’s needed in the future. I’m planning to try catching my husband on his way out of work sometime next week. I’d like to hear his side of the story.
I’ve decided, however, that if there is any saving our relationship, I’ll be changing my last name back to my maiden name and our daughter will be taking my last name or at the very least have a hyphenated name. Call me feminist or whatnot but it will be non negotiable. I’ll also be requiring MANY boundaries between me and his mother and she will not be in my child’s life until she can find it in her to apologize to me sincerely and change her attitude towards us.
[2nd Update July 21, '22](https://www.reddit.com/user/BrilliantProud/comments/w4tqkc/update_were_getting_a_divorce/)
Wow! I honestly haven’t been on Reddit at all since my last update because well, growing a human is hard as it is, and then add my crazy life on top of it. But, after getting hundreds of emails from Reddit today, I realized it must have been shared somewhere else to be blowing up like this and now that there’s so many of you I figure I owe you all an update. So here it is.
Hopefully I can get this all typed out in a way that makes sense. Even though it’s been a few weeks since this all went down, I’m still in shock and I haven’t been able to collect my thoughts (let’s just blame it on the pregnancy brain and pretend that my life isn’t falling apart before my own eyes).
I was able to catch my husband as he was leaving work one night and got his side of the story out of him like I had hoped.As suspected, he admitted that he was excited for a baby girl, and after speaking to his mom, she forced him to leave and block me. His MOTHER already had the divorce papers ready to go.
I tried to tell him that we could fix this. We could raise our daughter together away from his mother. (I know I sound fucked in the head and naïve for this, but I grew up in a household without a father figure and I was hopeful my daughter could have a different home life experience than what I had) not to discredit my mother. She’s a badass women and I hope I can be half of the woman she is for my daughter one day. Anyways, my husband had none of it. He said that he realized how conniving and manipulative and ab*sive i had been throughout our entire relationship and he did want to actually go through with the divorce. He said he’d have no problem giving me full custody of the ‘thing that’s growing inside of me’. That’s when I lost all hope. Fuck him. I have no problem leaving a man who’s so easily brainwashed by his mother like that. I’ll raise this baby alone.
That’s bad enough, but here’s the real icing on the cake - I received a phone call from my soon to be ex-husbands brothers wife (we’ve always been quite close and she’s been my saving grace throughout my pregnancy giving me all the tips for nausea etc. she has 3 of her own, 2 boys and a girl) anyways, she informed me over the phone that she overheard a conversation at weekly Sunday dinner that mother in law and husband are trying to blindside me in court and take full custody.
I was livid, full on seeing red. I called mother in law straight away and demanded to speak to my husband. All he had to say for himself was that he realized he didn’t want any of his offspring to be raised by such a manipulative freak and even though he doesn’t actually want her, he’s sure he can grow to love her again.
I’m not sure what to do at this point. I know I have a good case for myself but I’m fucking terrified they’ll win the battle and take everything from me. It brings tears to my eyes thinking about my daughter growing up somewhere where she isn’t loved. Even if custody is split 50/50 I’ll have no control over the lies they’re guaranteed to feed her. My emotions are going haywire trying to write all this out so I think I’m going to leave it at that. Thank you for all of the love and support you all have shown me and my baby girl. The internet can truly be an amazing place.
EDIT: adding that my brother in law and his wife are planning on leaving the family dynamic after seeing the way I’ve been treated. They have a daughter of their own and while she’s been accepted as she wasn’t the first born. They’re very uncomfortable with the misogyny within the family. BIL is the first born and I think the what ifs are fucking with his head.
ALSO: had no idea I submitted this to a podcast subreddit 🤷♀️ my original post kept getting taken down on AITA and my sister recommended I post it where I did. If somebody wants to send me a link to listen I would be interested to hear it. Although - please spare me the details of its negative. I don’t know if my heart can take it.
*The husband allegedly left a comment on the original post. I'm including the link to the screenshot but also a transcription of the comment as it seems to be deleted*
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/w5425f/i_went_searching_for_the_comment_aita_for/
What the fuck is wrong with you aspen? I LOVED you and I LOVED our daughter!!! You paint me out to be such a fucking villain and none of these peabrained people on the internet can see through
them lies. MANIPULATION AT ITS FINEST. You were such a fucking bitch our whole goddamned lie of a relationship and when we were trying to
get pregnant everything was about you!!!
I can't believe it took me so long to see all the every single sign. You were so fucking obsessive over your stupid calendar and we hardly ever used it!!! You always say you aren't in the mood or we did it yesterday I'm too tired we can skip a day. It was never about me or my feelings and then when you
actually got pregnant it become even more about you. I'm not eating eggs anymore they make me sick I don't want to go to Sunday dinner I'm not up to it tonight let's not get sushi for dinner because it's bad for the baby.
I was so fucking nice to you aspen I literally DOTED on you like a fucking Prince Charming and you never even recognized me. I can't believe you string me along all those years. Fuck you and fuck the fetus. Im sick of your games. I can't fucking believe I find out about this post on a podcast my girlfriend listens to. You betray me One fucking month until you lose it all like I did. See you in court bitch.
*People are obviously now wondering what is real and if this is all fake. However, they are also noting how he reacts to her morning sickness and aversion to eggs, the fact that he thinks shes being ridiculousfor not wanting to eat sushi just bc "it's bad for the baby", his comment of "fuck the fetus" and, oh yeah, his girlfriend!*
**OP posted one last update on July 22.:**
Thank you so much for all of your support! I’ve been in contact with my lawyer about how best to proceed and for legal reasons I’m not allowed to give any more information at this point in time but I’ve seen all of your messages and I’m truly so grateful for all of the advice and care being sent our way. I have a very good lawyer working with me and both me and baby are and will be safe through the coming months. Once again, thank you all so much for your kindness, it’s helped me feel somewhat sane through all of this and made me realize that I am entitled to feel the ways I’m feeling. You’ve truly given me a community where people have my back and truly want what’s best for me.
I’ll be logging off until things have settled and baby is born. Maybe I’ll return for a final update at some point, but for now I’m focusing on my own health and the health of my baby as I prepare for the courtroom.
❤️- OP
🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴
[Posted in r/divorce on Oct 10, '22](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/y07kcd/looking_for_advice/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
Looking for advice ❤️
looking for some advice from some fellow divorced moms. I’m currently going through an extremely messy divorce. I’m 28 and almost 35 weeks pregnant with our first baby. I’m not sure if it’s the hormones or just the situation in general but I’m really anxious about what the future holds for me and this little babe. I’ve been married to this man for four years and known him much longer and I can’t even fathom getting back into the world of dating again, especially as a single mom. I’m not planning on dating anytime soon, but every time I think about it, I get so overwhelmed with anxiety. I’d like to have more kids in the future, a happy healthy family, but I can’t imagine myself getting into another serious relationship and especially having children with someone else after the shit my soon to be ex blindsided me with after I got pregnant. I’m going to therapy and working through things, but I just can’t stop worrying. I know everything is still fresh and I should just ride it out but it’s so so hard to let go of right now. My whole life was ripped away from me and it feels like I had been living a lie. Has anyone else been through this? I could really use some reassurance and advice right now.
[Final Update Dec 15, '22](https://www.reddit.com/user/BrilliantProud/comments/zmejuy/final_update/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
final update
Hi everyone! I ended up deleting the app for a while, but now that I’m feeling settled again I figured I owe it to all of you to give one final update.
First off, I won the court case! It was a long and draining road and I won’t go into a ton of detail (privacy and legal reasons) but it was all thanks to Reddit 😭 someone connected me to a great lawyer and everything worked out exactly the way it needed to. I owe it all to you guys, thank you so so much.
And second, I gave birth to my sweet baby girl just a few short weeks ago. She is perfect and everything I needed. Babies heal the soul more than you could ever imagine. I couldn’t have done it all without my sister cheering me on through everything ❤️
There have been lots of messages and questions in my inbox lately, so I’ll do my best to answer all that I possibly can (newborn life 😅) but just know I’m thankful to every single one of you for the endless support. I truly believe this app saved mine and my baby girl’s lives💗
*In The Comments:*
>Can you spill the tea on how your ex MIL reacted when you won your case?
her reaction was pathetic, to say the least. Sobbed uncontrollably and called me every insult she could possibly think of as I left. It gave me second-hand embarrassment to say the least. The judge wasn’t taking any of her bullshit from the second our case started. Very satisfying to say the least lol
>Does you husband have 50/50 rights, do you have full custody, and is he even allowed to visit her at all without being supervised?
I have full custody. He has no rights to her whatsoever. | 13,779 | 2022-12-22T06:59:24 | Woman's Husband Leaves Her For "Predetermining" The Sex Of Their Baby Final Update (TwoHotTakes Dec 15, '22) | CONCLUDED | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zsf7qu/womans_husband_leaves_her_for_predetermining_the/ | false | false | [
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zsh6bm | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-22T08:47:15 | What would you do if your parents found out you were playing with sex toys at home? | NEW UPDATE | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zsh6bm/what_would_you_do_if_your_parents_found_out_you/ | false | false | [
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zsksou | #This is a repost from r/Nanny. I am not the OOP. The original post was also posted on r/Parenting by the user so any relevant comments are condensed here.
#TW: abuse#
#POST: [27 Aug 2017: Nanny quit. No notice, no goodbye. Venting/advice?](https://redd.it/6wdaww)
Using a throwaway.
Our nanny of three years quit this morning via email. No notice, no goodbye. Reason being that she's accepted an offer from another family, and has an immediate start date. We never even knew she was looking. I'm so hurt and confused.
Screw us over, fine. But how can you stand to leave our daughter without a goodbye? The little girl who's given you her heart since she was six months old. Who asks for you every morning, and every night without fail. You've shared so many special moments with her. Milestones, birthdays, dance recitals. I just don't understand.
My husband and I have shared this partnership with you for three years. We have been generous, we have been kind, we have treated you as a member of our family since day one. The fact that you don't have the decency to provide notice or let us know in-person says a lot about who you truly are.
I don't even know what to do right now. Should I reply to her email? Leave a review on her website and Care profile? Or just let it go?
How do I explain to our daughter that she'll never see this special person ever again? How do I help her deal with the transition?
How do I even find a nanny? Our nanny was referred to us by a friend, so we don't know much about the hiring process. What benefits should we expect to offer this new person?
My mind is just all over the place and I'd really appreciate kindness instead of judgment.
Thoughts, opinions, advice would be appreciated...
**Relevant Comments:**
1. We had three weeks of notice included in her contract but she still didn't provide that.
I've just joined Care and I'm working on drafting a job advertisement. Hopefully we have success.
2. Now we're stuck using our PTO to cover her absence until we find someone else. So stressful. And our daughter is obsessed with her, she'll be so upset when she isn't here tomorrow.
3. We paid $17/hr, which is above the going rate in our area plus paid vacation, sick days, etc. I don't know any nannies that aren't paid well in our neighborhood.
She had a contract that outlines three weeks of notice from both parties which she didn't provide. She's obviously free to leave our family, but giving the agreed on notice would have been ideal.
If you visit r/nanny most are making upwards of $20/hr (this varies on location).
4. I did reach out to her asking for an explanation and seeing if she was interested in seeing our daughter to say goodbye. She's yet to respond, but hopefully we hear back sometime soon.
It's just so confusing. We were not bad employers. We didn't pay a low wage. The only explanation I can think of is something happening in her personal life. I just hope we hear back and get closure. She was our employee, but we genuinely did grow to love and care for her.
5. *The comment OOP was replying to was deleted but this is her response:* I don't think she deserves time to think when she made such an irrational, unprofessional decision.
#UPDATE: 28 Aug 2017 [Update](https://redd.it/6wkxzd)
Yesterday I made an emotion-fueled post about our nanny quitting without notice or a goodbye. I got a lot of feedback and support so I figured I'd update.
Our nanny showed up at our house this morning. She has been dealing with abuse from a long-term partner and decided to leave our state to live with her parents. The situation with her partner escalated this weekend, which is why there wasn't time for notice. She planned to leave this morning, but couldn't without saying goodbye to us.
I think I've cried more in the last few days than I have in a long time. We are so sad to see her go, but so thankful she is making the best decision for herself. We were thankful she came to us because we were able to send her off with some financial help, and her and our daughter got to say their goodbyes. Which was the sweetest, most special moment ever and we were all obnoxiously crying during it. We plan to stay in touch, and even visit her when we're in her area on vacation.
We're sad it ended this way but so glad we got closure. I'm super nervous about finding a new nanny because we're pretty sure we had it as good as it gets, so we're considering full-time preschool now. Thanks to everyone who shared their advice and compassion.
**Relevant Comment:**
Nanny is having a hard time. She's balancing heartbreak, the move, and going back to live with her parents who she has a very strained relationship with. That's on top of trying to find a new job and having to rehome her dogs. She's just really going through it right now. I've been checking in everyday and offering support as much as possible. We let her know that she is always welcome to come back and live with us if things don't work out at her parents.
We're alright. Stressed mainly. We're scrambling to find a nanny since we've disliked every preschool we've toured. Worried about how we're going to take our family vacation this winter when we're using all of our PTO to cover nanny's absence.
Our daughter's doing alright. She hasn't grasped that nanny isn't coming back, so still expects to see her in the kitchen every morning and asks about her throughout the day. She was playing with her dolls the other day and kept referring to one by nanny's name. :( | 4,246 | 2022-12-22T12:17:20 | OOP's nanny quits without a notice and goodbye | CONCLUDED | Confident-Addition76 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zsksou/oops_nanny_quits_without_a_notice_and_goodbye/ | false | false | [
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zspc81 | I am not OOP. This is a report sub. This is not my personal story or situation. Thought it was an important PSA that should get some more attention.
General warning: >!details and description of rash!<
[The original](https://www.reddit.com/r/30PlusSkinCare/comments/ytfhna/contact_dermatitis_what_do_you_use/) was posted in r/30plusskincare on November 12, 2022
OOP gave an update the next day in a comment of the original post. Then made an update post.
[The update](https://www.reddit.com/r/30PlusSkinCare/comments/zh9rdz/final_update_chemical_burn_was_granular/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) was posted 27 days later.
___
**Contact dermatitis? What do you use?**
Hi all. First time poster. 42F. I’ve found myself in some rather painful trouble.
If there is a better subreddit to ask or if this is not allowed here (I did read the rules) mods please feel free to delete.
For some context, my husband is currently waiting for test results for an IBD. So let’s just say he’s in the bathroom. A lot.
I figured out he was using “Exit Mould Extra Strength” to clean the bathroom afterwards, even the toilet seat.
Google says the ingredients are: Sodium hypochlorite Sodium hydroxide, Sodium silicate, Lauryl dimethylamine oxide
This was going on for quite a while I think and until last week or so, and I had no issues.
Now, I think I have contact dermatitis or possibly a chemical burn in a very sensitive place. I don't think a chemical burn would spread, though.
The crease in my upper thighs (both sides) down my inner thighs, and a tiny tiny bit on the outer lips of my labia has erupted into redness with some painful spots. It also goes somewhat uhhh backward as well. So basically, pretty close to where my skin would contact the toilet seat or chemical contaminated clothing would spread it to the areas.
It’s not itchy — at ALL. It’s so painful I can barely walk. I am sensitive to stress hives and this has been a hell of a year for stress, but I’ve never experienced anything like this, ever.
I started out using novascone ointment, the go-to in our family for stress itchies. This seemed to make it feel worse, perhaps because it dried it out a lot and moving/walking was more painful. Perhaps it was too strong. I now have some novascone gel that is supposed to be easier to apply, but at this point I’m too afraid to use it. When the c dermatitis/burn first started I used betadine gel and the next day antiseptic cream Dettol. Didn’t help.
Currently I’m using a lot of Lidocaine cream, taking doxycycline and ibuprofen. The lidocaine and the ibuprofen make it bearable for a few hours. I also use baby cream on my lower thighs, where I can stand it, because it’s not so bad in that area.
I obviously can’t show a picture. I also don’t really want to go to the doctor and show her either, what with its placement.
I absolutely will if I have to but I would prefer to see if I can resolve it myself first.
My sister recommended Paw Paw cream but I haven’t tried that. Can’t walk to the chemist at the moment but I’ll order for delivery if anyone thinks it will help?
I told my husband my suspicion about the Exit Mould and he’s said he’s stopped using it (he also thinks it would resolve into basically table salt after a few hours but jury’s out on that, I looked at the safety sheet). I think he may still use it but wipe it well afterwards. FWIW he has olive skin, I’m basically vampire pale, with sensitive skin on a normal day.
My sister brought me some fragrance-free basically-water baby wipes to wipe the toilet seat clear of chemicals before using it.
I honestly can’t think of anything that could cause it except the Exit Mould. I have not changed soap, detergent, anything.
I don’t blame my husband at all. Please don’t judge him, or call him out. This is not his fault. He’s been so ill this year I doubt it would even register for him that Exit Mould is for the shower and not the toilet. He meticulously cleans the toilet after each visit and I appreciate that very much (one bed one bath apartment hell) even if perhaps he used stronger chemicals than necessary.
Any ideas on what else I can try on my skin? BTW I’m in Australia so I’m not sure if OTC medicine is the same here as it is there.
I’ve taken doxycycline for three days only so far. I’ve been wiping the seat with these ultra safe "mostly water" baby wipes for three days. Before that I was using dettol spray (even after the burn appeared) and wiping it dry. I use Dettol spray for all bathroom cleaning so I doubt it’s that.
Any advice very much welcome. Thanks heaps in advance.
TLDR: Harsh toilet disinfectant possibly caused contact derm or possible chemical burn in sensitive area and now I'm in worlds of pain. Any ideas?
~~
OOP made a comment that they are going to the doctor tomorrow. The next day, they commented this on the original post:
*”UPDATE: it IS a chemical burn, with a possible staph infection, which I didn't see coming. It was still spreading. The Dr wanted to send me to the hospital for stronger pain relief but the topical analgesic - she applied the first lot herself and gave me a prescription for more - is working wonders.*
*I also have topical antibiotics. She's going to text me today to confirm if I do have a staph infection and then if I do, I have some antibiotic tablets to take as well. The Doctor was still texting me last night at 6PM asking me about earlier symptoms and texting me additional prescriptions.*
*That's service I didn't expect on a Sunday night! Thank you all so much for your help. Obviously it wasn't going to just heal up, and it could have gotten much worse without treatment. If I hadn't thought to ask Reddit, I wouldn't have gone, so thanks again.*
*It was an awkward visit, but not as embarrassing as I had played it out in my head. I am comfortably numb now with the topical burn cream, beats the hell out of the pain!”*
_____
Final update - "chemical burn" was Granular Parakeritosis from my clothes
TLDR: Laundry rinse aids with benzalkonium chloride can seriously mess up your skin.
So, I eventually saw two different doctors and after a week review nothing they gave me (anti-fungals, antibiotics, different types of steroid ointments) helped in resolving the issue. If fact, it got worse, a lot worse. They did give me prescription lidocaine ointment for the pain and that was good, though difficult to apply. It was so painful I was crying while applying it.
But the problem itself wasn't healing. I had what I then thought were blisters and signs of infection. So my regular GP referred me to a dermatologist and called their office herself while I was there to arrange an emergency appointment for the next day. She told them she'd never seen anything like it in 30 years of practice.
The dermatologist office is about a 15 min walk from my place and normally I would walk it easily. By this time though, I could not walk due to the pain. My sister drove 45 minutes from her house to pick me up and drive me (5 minute drive) to the dermotologist office.
As soon as the Derm looked at it she asked me if I use a hygienic rinse in my laundry.
And yes, I have used Canesten Hygenic Laundry Rinse for around 10 years. She told me I have Granular Parakeratosis from the active ingredient in the rinse aid - benzalkonium chloride (BAC).
She told me to throw away the Canesten Laundry Rinse as well as anything else with benzalkonium chloride in it. She told me to rewash with an extra rinse all my clothes, towels, linen, everything. Obviously it stays in the fabric.
I can see now it started with my underwear, yoga pants and jeans, all washed with a capful of Canesten.
The Derm said she had seen more cases of this in the last few years - sudden sensitivity to benzalkonium chloride. It's also in the Dettol spray and wipe I used to clean with and apparently some hand sanitisers, even some cosmetics.
The blisters were not blisters, but dermatitis plaques. They have started to heal now but are still painful. The redness is fading too - 9 days after I threw out everything containing BAC and rewashed everything that touches my skin.
I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy, so FWIW here's a jourmal [article](https://journal.nzma.org.nz/journal-articles/granular-parakeratosis-secondary-to-benzalkonium-chloride-exposure-from-common-household-laundry-rinse-aids) about Granular Parakeritosis and laundry rinse aids.
Thanks again.
——
I AM NOT OOP. THIS IS A REPOST SUB. | 6,845 | 2022-12-22T15:55:08 | OOP gets a mysterious skin condition with an unsuspecting cause | CONCLUDED | BarriBlue | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zspc81/oop_gets_a_mysterious_skin_condition_with_an/ | false | false | [
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zsq38z | **I am NOT OP. Original post by** u/Ebifangirl **in** r/offmychest
*The recent events in Afghanistan - banning women from obtaining education, reminded me of this post.*
*Additional info for context - The Taliban military offensive led by insurgent groups began on 1st May 2021 which culminated with their victory on 15th August 2021*
trigger warnings: >!War, Human Rights violations!<
[**I hate my fucking country (Afghanistan)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/ow1j12/i_hate_my_fucking_country_afghanistan/) \- 2nd August 2021
I was eight years old when NATO and Us troops came and defeated Taliban in 2001. I grew up, studied and graduated from university, married and had a baby in these 20 years. Despite all the signs I was hopeful that some day we are going to change the country, that in the future Afghanistan will not be known for war, violence and corruption.
I worked and fought for gender equality in my region for 4years, I encouraged women to participate in their community's development and helped them voice their problems.
But the last few days as Taliban are marching toward my city and will take over the city in a few weeks, I can finally see. I fucking hate everything about this hell hole. The political system is rigged and corrupt. Economy is unbelievably unfair (a teacher earns 98$ a month and a bag of rice is 30$.) The traditions are sexist, based on obedience of the elders. The population opposes in change for the better, even educating children and women's rights bill.
This country has offered me nothing, it's wasting my talents and my time and it will do the same to my child, if my financial situation allowed it I would leave in a blink.
Tonight as I am laying here I hear bullets firing, and I can think is my little girl. The idea of my baby wearing a Burqa and having no education kills me. I feel that i failed as a mother.
In a few weeks and maybe days I will lose my rights as an equal to my husband legally, my career, my pride and my voice. There is no words for it, I feel defeated, Hopeless, weak, angry and devastated at the same time.
[**UPDATE - 1**](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/p51t7s/update_on_i_hate_my_country_afghanistan_post/) \- 16th August 2021
Hey everybody. I wrote a post here 14days ago and here is the update.
So my worst nightmare has become a reality. Taliban Took over the country today.
Everybody is flabbergasted, Everything is so surreal, there was no fight, no war. They just rode their motorbikes into the cities and shot some aerials. President ran away and army has no motivation to fight.
Nobody knows what is going on and what is going to happen next but one thing is clear, this country is doomed.
P.s: if any of you knows an organisation that can help us (family of three) to get the fuck out please message me.
I have applied for Canada but I don't think I am eligible.
[**UPDATE - 2 in r/Hannover**](https://www.reddit.com/r/Hannover/comments/tz2p5v/in_need_of_an_apartment_for_a_refugee_family_rent/) **In need of an Apartment for a refugee family (rent)** - 8th April 2022
Hallo und Guten Tag! My family and I fled our country because of the horrible situation there. Germany and its wonderful people sheltered us in the beautiful city of Hannover. We are try to rent an apartment in Hannover for around 650 euros. We are a family of three, me(f28), my husband (m30) and our one year old daughter. We are non smokers and have no pets.
Thank you in advance
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 3,313 | 2022-12-22T16:25:06 | OOP - I hate my fucking country [TW: War] | CONCLUDED | raredontstare | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zsq38z/oop_i_hate_my_fucking_country_tw_war/ | false | false | [
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] |
zsqg9p | I am not OOP. OOP is u/badorangeapples
Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/wn5olr/i_miss_my_boyfriend_when_he_was_fat/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf posted on r/TrueOffMyChest on August 13, 2022
i miss my boyfriend when he was fat
throwaway account for obvious reasons
my boyfriend and i dated for 7 years. we're in our mid twenties now.
i met him through his best friend in junior year of highschool. it was love at first sight for me. he was on the overweight side, a little shorter than me, and his looks weren't 'that great' to others.
it was his personality that got me. he was so caring and sweet, and we shared the same sense of humor. he had a dorky smile that i adored so much. he would compliment on how pretty i did my makeup and notice the little changes like shade of lipstick, shape of eyeliner, an extra mole. i kept all the letters he wrote for me on our anniversaries.
he was bullied several times and had major insecurities about himself. i stayed with him among those years, and did my best to support him. i once told him i loved every part of him, and that there wasn't anything of him i wanted to change. he cried that day.
3 years ago we decided to buy a membership at the gym. we made a resolution that we would achieve a healthier lifestyle. we cleared out our pantries and changed our groceries to fully commit to our goal. we gave up several times, but reminded each other of our goal and went back on track.
fast forward, he's lost almost half his weight. he's very fit now, with nice pecs and tight abs. i couldn't be more proud of him.
the problem is, he's like a new person. he's always either at the gym, at work, or went to bed early for his 8 hours of sleep. whenever we're together, he comments on the food i eat/my weight. he constantly shows me the comments he gets from girls after posting shirtless body pictures, saying how he was hot and how they wished they could touch his abs, like he was proud of it. he replied to one girl, telling her that she was free to feel his muscles anytime with a winky face. i confronted him, telling him it was disrespectful to say that when he had a girlfriend, and he tried to insist it was just a joke and called me insecure for it.
he never tells me he loves me anymore. we're only intimate when he wants to, he only talks about his workout plan to me, and is uninterested whenever i tell him about my day. we don't go out on dates anymore because he's embarrassed of me, and thinks i would put a bad look on him because i'm not athletic. (i'm 5'5 and weight 125lbs)
i screamed at him, telling him i dated him when he was double my size, and always defended him whenever people insulted him. he told me at least he made a change and it's sad how i always stayed the same.
he's became an asshole, and i'm in so much grief. i read the letters he used to write for me and cried for an hour. it feels like the man i was in love with died. after my lease ends (2 months) i will cut him off. i thought i was going to marry this man, but now i don't think i could be with someone who will put me down after all those years i've been supporting his insecurities. i'm so heartbroken. i miss the person who he was.
TLDR: my boyfriend of seven years who was sweet and overweight changed and became an asshole when he started going to the gym.
edit 1: thank you all so much for the love and condolences. i don't think i'll be able to provide an update at this time, but i will do my best after two months. my heart goes to one and every one of you ♥️
**UPDATE WITHIN POST**
August 28, 2022
**update 1: (08/28)** sorry for how lengthy this is! i've received one and every single lovely messages you all have flooded my inbox. i'd like to say thank you for all the advice, for sharing your experiences, and for all the kindness. for those who're going through/went through the same situation as me, remember you're absolutely loved.
some of you have asked to see what i/he/we look like. i will not be showing any photos, because we both have visible tattoos and i wouldn't want our identities figured out. though i do have an update to share:
1. we've talked about searching for apartments before our lease is up. i told him i was thinking of moving back with my parents because of 'financial issues'. he then asked to see my paystubs, which i said no to, and we got into an argument about trust. we didn't talk for two days, but he ended up apologizing to me while i was sleeping.
i believe he's starting to catch on, because he's suddenly becoming more affectionate with me, snuggling me up and telling me that he can't wait for our next apartment, and that he wants to live in a house with me one day. i know this is probably just a temporary act, but i can't help but feel bad. i can't leave him yet, because the lease is under both of our names and the security deposit is mine. i have notes in my phone to remind me of how he makes/made me feel, and it helps remind me that i need to leave this sucker for good.
as of right now, he's still insisting that we continue living together. i'll make sure that doesn't happen. again, thank you for the love and support. :)
(sorry for how disorganized this is! i don't make reddit posts that often and don't know how to properly indent them)
**I am not OOP** | 7,801 | 2022-12-22T16:39:50 | I miss my boyfriend when he was fat | INCONCLUSIVE | ashleighbeckham8 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zsqg9p/i_miss_my_boyfriend_when_he_was_fat/ | false | false | [
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zstfqf | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-22T18:40:32 | OP wants to give a significant Christmas gift to a deserving child and SiL acts entitled | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zstfqf/op_wants_to_give_a_significant_christmas_gift_to/ | false | false | [
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zstn04 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-22T18:49:11 | WIBTA for giving my old cello to a fellow student in need and not my niece-in-law? | CONCLUDED | mycatisanudist | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zstn04/wibta_for_giving_my_old_cello_to_a_fellow_student/ | false | false | [
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zsu806 | ** I am not OP. Original post by u/Educational_Glass_47 on r/tifu **
To take up space for the Spoiler, I'll let you know it's "snowing" in Texas today! Wee little flakes that are hardly sticking, but still snow! Let's just hope we don't lose our electricity again!!
Trigger Warning: SA
Mood Spoiler: >!happy and mature goes to terrible!<
[TIFU by wanting to cuddle with my friend](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/y2mlg4/tifu_by_wanting_to_cuddle_with_my_friend/) 2 mo ago
I (18 F) am neuroatypical and relatively averse to touch. I don’t hate it I just want it to be done as soon as it’s too much. It’s become a real joking point between me and my friends to say “you trying to hold my hand?” Or something along the lines of “wanna cuddle bb?” (It’s all a joke and we’re aware of that) but I was watching a horror show with one of them (m 19) and he pulled the “awe you wanna cuddle?” But I actually said yes this time. I proceeded to think about it all night and have come to the conclusion I have feelings for him. I refuse to put our friendship at risk so I’m gonna push it deep down.
TL;DR-I constantly joke about being romantically attracted to my friends but now I actually like one of them ….damn
Edit: there’s a lot of reasons I want to avoid telling him but a really big one is he said he has no interest in dating anyone *inexperienced* you all know what I mean.
[Comment:](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/y2mlg4/tifu_by_wanting_to_cuddle_with_my_friend/is4k7fs)
>Don’t take his word for it and give it a shot (but be clear. Men and hints, it doesn’t work too often). Ask him out for a date!
>(Don’t go for sex until you are comfortable with that).
[Comment:]( https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/y2mlg4/tifu_by_wanting_to_cuddle_with_my_friend/is45uzr)
>Nah, go ahead and try it. Not doing so will just lead to regret. He either doesn't feel the same and you move on as friends or you have him for yourself. For real, it feels daunting now but it is seriously fine.
[TIFU by wanting to cuddle with my friend update](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/y9hpms/tifu_by_wanting_to_cuddle_with_my_friend_update/) 2 mo ago
First of all everyone was so so sweet to me and really supportive and I wanted to say thank you. Also here’s that update everyone was asking for.
We had a conversation and talked about how we felt very clearly. He had caught on to the idea that I liked him but after a few days and we both thought about it separately (before the conversation this is what we talked about) it wouldn’t be the worst thing but we wouldn’t seek it out. We realized it was mostly pressure from people we knew and that whole “I kinda want a relationship” thing. So after talking it out we decided that no, we won’t work together nor would we be comfortable taking that step in our relationship. And we’re both ok with that. I genuinely think it’s mostly that whole “cuffing season” thing of everyone getting into relationships at once and we happened to have been spending a lot of time together.
So unfortunately for everyone saying to update after the first date: there’s not going to be a first date. Just a healthy friendship where we’ve promised to bring these kind of things up in the future if it becomes a problem jeopardizing our friendship.
TL;DR: I told him I thought I liked him but turns out we’re both just lonely being at college
[Comment:](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/y9hpms/tifu_by_wanting_to_cuddle_with_my_friend_update/it5xkzo)
>Very mature of you both. Happy things went well.
[Comment:](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/y9hpms/tifu_by_wanting_to_cuddle_with_my_friend_update/it66ac6)
>Honestly, being as young as you are (I’m 38 and still feel like I’m only just figuring things out) you have shown maturity that I absolutely didn’t have at that age. Probably because I’m a male and a big boof head. Stay true to yourself mate it will never fail you.
>BIG HUGS! Hahaha
🔴🔴🔴
Edited to Add missing update:
[TIFU by wanting to cuddle with my friend](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/z8deoz/tifu_by_wanting_to_cuddle_with_my_friend/?utm_source=share) 22 days ago
[FINAL UPDATE]
Sorry to all of those who wanted to follow our “relationship” because we’re not even friends anymore
After the discussion that we had on halloweekend he SA’d me. He claims that he wasn’t sober and doesn’t remember anything but honestly that just makes it worse. I had to move out bc my roommate blamed me and I’m terrified that I’ll see them every day. I have a hard time sleeping and eating these days and I’m always anxious. I can’t even walk around campus listening to music anymore because I’m worried he’ll approach me and I won’t be able to hear him coming. I’ve never been so ashamed in my life and the worst part is that I don’t even hate him.
If he apologized I might’ve even gone back but he never will and I don’t even want him to. I wish I could be that woman that’s so strong she wants to ruin his life and expose him but honestly I just want to be left alone. I really trusted him…I really loved him actually. I wasn’t ready to admit it especially since I’d never had sex before. But after what he did I can’t even look at myself in the mirror and I’m afraid of all people.
My therapist said it might be helpful for me to write it down somewhere so I figured this might as well be the best place.
So thanks for everyone who was so nice in the previous posts but he’s not a good person and I don’t think I’ll ever be the same
Sorry for the sad update but I appreciate everyone reading anyway
TL;DR: I had feelings for a friend and he SA’d me and now I feel very alone in the world
** Reminder: I am not the Original Poster. ** | 2,425 | 2022-12-22T19:13:51 | TIFU by wanting to cuddle with my friend | CONCLUDED | swtogirl | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zsu806/tifu_by_wanting_to_cuddle_with_my_friend/ | false | false | [
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zsvq94 | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/throwramaryandme in r/relationship_advice**
trigger warnings: >!PPD, ableism, child neglect, death!<
mood spoiler: >!heartbreaking!<
---
&nbsp;
[**My [21F] mother [46F] hates my sister [6F] with Down Syndrome and blames her for our dad leaving us. She won't let me take custody of her and I don't know how to continue living like this.**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/hk3rrf/my_21f_mother_46f_hates_my_sister_6f_with_down/) - 2 July 2020
To preface this, we live in Austin,TX.
My mom was 39 when she got pregnant with my sister and a few days after her diagnostic screening confirmed it was a baby with Down Syndrome, our dad moved out and filed for divorce. Without my dad's income, mom had to sell our house and we moved to a different neighborhood. It was nice, but it wasn't an upper middle class neighborhood like the one we used to live in. During her pregnancy, she was committed to being the best mom to my sister (let's call her Mary) and me. A few weeks after giving birth to Mary who, other than Down Syndrome, had no other health issues, my parent's divorce was finalized.
Mom got full custody and dad got visitation rights twice a week, but I refused to see him and he didn't want anything to do with Mary. To this day, we don't have a relationship at all. Him and mom were never very hands on parents, I had a lot of nannies growing up, but I never thought both of them would end up being so fucked up. The finalization of the divorce hit my mom like a truck and she spiraled into postpartum depression. I was a high school freshman when all of this happened and, on top of having to move to a different place where I didn't know anyone, I had to step up and help take care of my sister because my mom couldn't do it alone.
While I was at school, she would do the most basic things like give Mary the bottle and change her diaper, and then she would wait for me to come home and "help" with the chores and Mary. To "help" was to clean up the house a bit, take care of Mary for the rest of the day (nap time, play time, sensory time, physical therapy at home following the activities spreadsheet her physical therapist gave us, changing her diapers, feeding her for the rest of the day and night, bathing her and putting her down to sleep), order dinner because neither one of us was a great cook and also find time to study and do schoolwork.
Even though my mom had 10 weeks of paid maternity leave, she decided to go back to work when Mary was 8 weeks old. She did find the best daycare for her and I was honestly relieved knowing that Mary would be properly cared for while I was at school. My mom started to get better once she was back to work but she still didn't care that much about Mary, so I called her sister - my aunt - and told her everything. She offered to find my mom a good therapist and pay for it, and my mom agreed and she started therapy.
Something I feel is important to mention about my aunt, she married into a wealthy family and lives in Georgia. She has 3 daughters and a son (aged 16, 20, 23 and 25), and she's very conservative. While she's never openly talked about Mary having Down Syndrome, it's visible that she's bothered by it. She's especially bothered by the fact that my mom lost a "good marriage and a good home" because of Mary. She never calls for Mary's birthday but she does wire me $200 to get her a present, every single year. It's basically pity money to acknowledge that Mary exists and that's it. I'm waiting for the day I'm financially stable enough to give her back all the fucking birthday money she sent us over the years.
During high school summer breaks, my mom would be angry with me because I refused to work and make money for my own expenses. My father did pay around 2k in child support for Mary and me, but that money would go towards our health insurance and whatever remained would be for me to buy anything Mary and I needed that wasn't food, medicine or gas. I didn't want to work because summers were the only time of the year I could actually have some time for myself. Every summer, Mary would only be in daycare a few times a week for a few hours while I would do housework and run errands, and we would spend the rest of our time together. She certainly had some developmental delays, but by the time she was 3 and a half, Mary was already walking, talking, sleeping in her big girl bed and she was potty trained. All of that because I worked with her and I did whatever I could to make sure she was as independent as possible.
Right around that time my mom stopped seeing her therapist and she'd already been off antidepressants for a while. She was no longer struggling with depression, she just regretted having Mary and making peace with that was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I always hoped that she would get better and that she would come around, but no medicine could help the way she disregarded Mary.
I graduated high school and even though I had known for years that college wouldn't be a part of my reality, it was a really painful time for me because it's something I wanted. Still, after a one month trial period at my friend's mom's event planning agency, I landed a full time, well paying job. Mom and I were a bit financially stressed because my portion of the child support ended when I turned 18, so this job really saved us and I was so excited to finally start saving money and to give Mary her own room since we were sharing one. But since I got a new job, my mom decided to cut her hours and only work part time because she was "tired of being the sole breadwinner" and "she deserved to slow down and semi retire."
I was really pissed off because I had to pay for roughly 70% of all monthly expenses for the household while she would pitch in here and there, and spend the rest of her money however she liked. She no longer felt obligated to financially contribute. I ended up getting a second job a few months later, it wasn't a full time job because I worked from home and I got to choose my projects. I basically booked social media influecers with companies and helped them figure out if they were a good match for advertisements and campaigns. It was really easy and I was able to make an additional $800 - $1500 a month.
After about a year, I had saved enough to buy a really good used car. My mom did get me a used car for my 16th birthday but she didn't want to pay for all the repairs it needed so I spent over 3 years driving Mary and myself in an unsafe car. I was proud of myself so you can imagine the absolute shock that ensued when my friend called me to ask me why I was selling the car I just got. My mom posted photos of my car on her Facebook and put it up for sale because, according to her, I "didn't need a fancy car." She said we could split the money and I could get a more cost effective car since I had to be more responsible with my finances. The argument that followed was our biggest one yet and we ended up establishing some strict rules when it comes to our relationship. From that moment on, our mom became like a roommate to Mary and me. I even stopped calling her "mom" and started using her name. I did find comfort in knowing that Mary wasn't alone in this, our mother was treating me the same and it was not us, it was never us, she's just someone who never should've been a parent.
I remodeled an upstairs office in our home and turned it into Mary's safari themed bedroom, I got us annual Disney passes, we travel and go on little road trips together, I've learned to cook pretty well and Mary loves helping me, I have 3 friends I consider family who love Mary and me unconditionally... It's a good life. A great fucking life, so I hate the fact that I'm subconsciously victimizing myself because of everything.
I've kissed once, I've been on 2 dates with 2 different guys, I've never had sex, I never party, I take Mary to my hair and nail appointments, I take care of all of her medical appointments and therapy, I know every nursery rhyme and toy unboxing video to ever have existed on YouTube. God I feel guilty even typing this out, but I get overwhelmed with sadness and bitterness when I think of the life I wanted and never got to have. I'm like a 50 year old trapped in a 21 year old girl's body. And it hurts even more when I hear how my mother compares me to my 20 year old cousin who moved to Austin for college. The two of them go shopping together, they have brunch together, she knows all about her fun college life, the boys she's dating and she makes sure to always emphasize how lucky my aunt is to have such great, accomplished kids. Another things she likes to do is mention how my other cousin has won several beauty pageants, and she only does this because my friends once asked me if I'd like to apply for our school's pageant and she tried to embarrass me in front of them by saying that I "couldn't win anything with my daddy's face." I throw myself a mini pity party whenever she kicks me where it hurts and then I look at Mary, at this sweet, little, soon to be 7 year old girl who just finished first grade with the most smiley and star stickers from her teacher, and I feel so ashamed of myself.
Quarantine has been difficult for us because we suddenly had to be home with our mother all the time. I had to coordinate my work and Mary's homeschooling, and I really tried to minimize all outings because Mary has asthma which makes her high risk. My mother, however, would go to the store twice a day just to get out, or she would go to the park, and even now that things have started to open up she was the first one to go and eat out and visit friends like it's no big deal. Because of that, another huge argument ensued and I told her that we should go our separate ways if she'll let me take custody of Mary. I was serious and she knew that. She told me that Mary has already caused her embarrassment because she had to divorce and that she's not letting it happen a second time by making herself seem like she's unfit to parent. And she's right, I don't have much to go on even if I wanted to take her to court to claim that she's unfit, at least not with this budget. It would completely drain my finances and I would probably lose the case and lose Mary for good. She's not abusive or hostile towards Mary, she's just.. not anything towards her. It's not even neglect because she does pay for a few things and she will babysit if I have to run somewhere, but she's literally like a stranger/roommate to us, not a mom.
That really crushed me and I was sitting in the kitchen thinking about everything when Mary came to ask me for a snack. I didn't hear what she said so she talked back and I yelled at her. I snapped at her for the first time ever and she looked at me the same way she looks at our mother. I'm so terrified that I'll allow myself to become like her because she's just pushing my buttons whenever she can. At this point, all I can do I save money like crazy and gather copies of all my finances and bills as proof that I take care of Mary, and wait for a few years until I can pay for a good lawyer and court expenses. I can't spend decades with this woman and wait until she dies and I get custody over Mary. I can't. I don't know what else to do to keep my sanity and most importantly, to stop these feelings of self pity and victimization because all they do is make me feel guilty and Mary doesn't deserve that. I need a pair of fresh eyes to read this and give me some advice.
**__EDIT:__**
I've been contacted by a legal advisor whose company does pro bono work, so I'm going from there. I also didn't want to make it sound like I have no money, I do - I have a great salary and I have enough to afford things like Disney trips and eating out a few times a week. But I pay for almost all household expenses, I pay for insurance, I pay for everything that Mary needs and that's why I don't have much in savings. I'm actually going to transfer half of the bills to my name and only pay my half, I know my mom well enough to know that she'll get a little mad and then she'll use this to milk more money out of my aunt.
I will also pick up extra freelance work and since we've been actively quarantined, we've already cut back on a lot of expenses. With all of this, I'll be able to save even more to move out when the time comes. I don't want to drag Mary through court with corona on the loose because she's high risk, I'll give it a few months until things hopefully calm down a bit and then I'll take legal action. I just needed reassurance and encouragement that it is possible to find a way out.
**__EDIT2:__**
Oh and I promise I will have my friends babysit Mary and I will go out more (post corona) and do things for myself. Maybe I'll even start dating, I'll suck at it but hey, we all start somewhere. It's really easy for me to feel incapable when I need help, but you guys made it clear that help should be welcomed. I don't think I've ever felt this much support coming my way. I've also been researching therapists for a while now, I'm not sure if I'll go to therapy right now because I want to tighten our budget, but it's one of my priorities. And yes, my mom and aunt really are a pair of Karens. Don't I know it
&nbsp;
[**(UPDATE) My [21F] mother [46F] hates my sister [6F] with Down Syndrome and blames her for our dad leaving us. She won't let me take custody of her and I don't know how to continue living like this**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6mlmh/update_my_21f_mother_46f_hates_my_sister_6f_with/) - 1 December 2021
Hey everyone,
it's been about a year and a half since I first posted here. I've spent the past few months debating whether or not I should post an update and I decided to post one because this community had my back the first time. And that's what I need again - I need words of encouragement and support to help me get through my first Christmas without Mary.
Last year, after posting here, I got in touch with a few kind individuals who helped me get free legal counseling. At the counseling, the attorney I was talking to thought it would be best to comb through my own life, fix whatever had to be fixed, and then proceed to legally petition for guardianship over Mary. He didn't think I had much to go on because, as I wrote earlier, my mom wasn't completely neglectful, she wasn't abusive and she wasn't unfit to parent. She just had no problem dumping almost everything on me and using my love for Mary to manipulate me into not leaving.
But he also thought that even though it was probably going to be messy - I could win. The only major problem was the fact that I had to move out and leave Mary behind. Moving out meant I could prove that I can provide a good, safe and stable home for Mary, all on my own. So at the end of July 2020, I did the hardest thing I'd ever done and I moved out of our family home and into a 2 bedroom apartment. One bedroom for me and one bedroom for, hopefully, Mary. In that same week, I was laid off work at the event planning agency. I felt miserable and like I'd made the worst mistake of my life. My friends really saved me during that time with their emotional help and support because all I did was cry and worry about Mary.
I had to gather all my strength to get over the paralyzing fear that started to consume me. I still had my side gig that became my main income but I could never support the two of us with that so, on top of everything else, I started looking for another job. I got incredibly lucky with that as a company I had worked with previously had an opening in their PR team and they hired me. All of this, from the day I moved out until the day I got another job, lasted about 3 weeks. And during those 3 weeks, I would see Mary once a day for about an hour. Our mom allowed me to continue visiting her and she was being weirdly calm through all of this which made me believe that she lawyered up and her odds were better than mine.
I started reaching out to Mary's teachers, other parents I was on friendly terms with, her doctors, a few of our family members... I was basically looking for people who could support me in writing and let the court know that I was the one taking care of Mary. I also made copies of every document and receipt I had that could support my claim. My friends pitched in and gave me $1500 of their own money to help me with the potential cost of everything and then the most unexpected thing happened. My mother called me and told me she would willingly give up legal custody of Mary and petition to have it transferred to me.
Those 4 and a half weeks that she spent taking care of Mary all on her own were enough for her to realize that she didn't want that. She was never a mom to Mary and she had no intention of becoming one. I think that realization hurt her deeply because during those weeks she did try, I could tell, and Mary in fact did tell me that mom was nice to her. But that was not the life she wanted and, even though I was terrified that our mother would put Mary in a care facility after moved out, I was happy that she admitted defeat to herself and did what was best for Mary.
I felt like I could finally breathe. Things were going good, the whole legal process was a bit delayed due to Covid but it didn't take too long, Mary moved in with me. We had a lot of catching up to do, I had a lot of explaining to do because she was so overwhelmed after I moved out of our house, we were settling into our new routine... We were happy. At the same time, Covid restrictions kept changing, school had already started and I was terrified of navigating through it all.
Mary had asthma that was fully under control and she would only have minor flare ups during allergy season, but it still made her high risk when it came to Covid. I held off on sending her back to school for in person learning, I worked from home Tuesday through Friday and I only had to be in office on Mondays, during that time Mary would be at home with a nanny who was tested every time and later on, she was vaccinated too. But the isolation was slowly getting to Mary as she was highly social so I agreed to taking her to one play date a week and one outing of her choice per week, which was usually shopping. We did go on daily walks and little trips to nature but that was usually just the two of us, sometimes one of my friends who were also Covid safe would join us.
None of it was enough, or should I say all of it was too much? None of the precautions were enough and all of the little outings I decided to make possible for her were too much. I lost Mary to Covid in February of this year. One morning she woke up with a fever and I knew. Her symptoms developed rapidly, her lungs lit up like a Christmas tree on the X-ray and she was hospitalized. On day 2 of her hospital stay, she had to be put in an induced coma and placed on a ventilator. She was doing well for the first week and then her blood pressure started dropping rapidly. My heart shattered into a million pieces when I saw the caller ID on my phone at 11:26 pm and it's been that way since.
Our mother, who is fully blaming me, has moved back to Georgia to live with her sister. And I've been both alive and dead since the day Mary died. I haven't visited her little grave since the funeral. I pay someone every week to go to her grave, leave flowers for her and clean up the previous ones. Sometimes I go to the graveyard multiple times a week and I just stand by the fence, without moving forward. I'm angry and miserable and numb and heartbroken - all at the same time.
I've distanced myself from all of my friends who are still not giving up on me, but I can't bring myself to accept their help. I feel undeserving of it, I feel responsible and guilty and like the only way I should be allowed to live my life is in complete pain. Because if Mary doesn't have a happy ending, why should I get to have one?
I know I need help and therapy and I have to learn to live with this. But I don't want that now. I want to spend my days in silence, talking only at work when I have to and I just want to barely survive. I don't even feel worthy of suicide because my brain is telling me I'm undeserving of the "easy way out." But if I share this with you, and I'm grasping at straws here, maybe someone will say something that will give me a drop of strength to at least get through the holiday season. Nobody loved Christmas more than Mary and these days the pain is suffocating me as I look around and see how festive everything is. But the pain is the only thing I have now, as a reminder of how much love I had and still have for my Mary. I feel like a grain of rice being crushed by a mountain of horrible emotions, and right now this is the only way I can ask for some form of help through all the guilt and shame I'm feeling.
tl;dr - I got the custody of my sister and then lost her to Covid.
**Edit:**
Reading through these comments and crying my eyes out at how unbelievably kind everyone is.
**Edit2:**
I'm sorry for not being able to disclose everything without doxxing myself. Mary was hospitalized for weeks, she was doing well for the first week but anyone who has been on a ventilator themselves or they know someone who has, also know it's a very, very slow process. Unfortunately I wasn't given a lot of hope on week two and the following weeks. At the time of her death, Mary was Covid negative but her little body was so tired from fighting and her blood pressure was the first thing to worsen her already fragile condition. So even though she was negative to the virus when she died, it's still what took her away from me - without it, none of this would've happened.
To everyone asking to send me something, I'm grateful but I refuse. You can always give to those who are truly in need, I'm doing okay financially.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 9,012 | 2022-12-22T20:18:06 | My [21F] mother [46F] hates my sister [6F] with Down Syndrome and blames her for our dad leaving us. She won't let me take custody of her and I don't know how to continue living like this. | REPOST | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zsvq94/my_21f_mother_46f_hates_my_sister_6f_with_down/ | false | false | [
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zsvwa8 | Husband’s side: Original and updates in the same post. I’m also including relevant comments at the end that were made at an unknown point between the original posting and the edits. OOP is u/Sad_Abbreviations216.
Wife’s side: The wife saw this a few days later in a TikTok video, by @frinthehuman on her account “The Reddit Rainbow”. The wife wrote to the TikTok poster, who then posted that as a response. I have pasted in the text that the wife wrote, but edited out the commentary from @frinthehuman. She posted it in 4 parts, so I tried to link each video above the text it covers, but I’ve never used TikTok, so I may have done it wrong. Just in case I didn’t get it right, the four parts are called 🤖🦋 AITA: Calling Every Morning? 👨👩👦🙍♂️👶🙍♂️😴🙍♂️🙎♀️-Wife’s Turn
——————
[**AITA for calling every morning?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z7xtan/aita_for_calling_every_morning/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) posted 11/29/2022
My son is a 20 month old toddler, my wife is a stay-at-home mom, I work six days a week and I'm usually gone for twelve hours a day.
I always check in on my son remotely via our nursery cam app and he's always awake in the mornings around 8:00. He has a great sleep routine. Our "wind down" time starts at the same time every evening, we clean up toys, read a book, when I lay him down he's still awake, he falls asleep on his own and sleeps all night for at least twelve hours.
It's usually after 9:00 before I have a chance to check the camera, this morning when I checked it was 9:12 and some mornings are closer to 10:00. Every time I look though, he's awake in the dark and standing in his crib just waiting. When I see this, I immediately turn on the brightest night light the camera has and speak to him through the camera app. I always tell him good morning and I love him and he usually laughs and says "Dada". Then I leave the app and call my wife to wake her up.
I usually have to call three to four times and when she finally answers, it's obvious that she just woke up and only because I called. I tell her that our son is awake waiting for her and that she needs to get up to start their day.
This morning while on the phone, I asked her if she was going to get him after using the bathroom and she said no, she was going to the kitchen to prepare their breakfast and THEN she'd get him. I asked her to get him after the bathroom so he could go to the kitchen with her and she flipped out. She told me it pisses her off that I call EVERY morning to tell her how to be a mom and that she has a routine. I retorted with "well, your routine sucks because he's been awake for an hour and you'd still be asleep if I hadn't called".
I just bothers me that he has to wait so long. He needs a diaper change, he's probably thirsty, hungry and just wants to play.
Am I wrong though? Do I need to stop? Please be completely honest with your answers. Thanks!
**EDIT 1**
I was banned from commenting within the first hour because I violated a rule in a comment and that's why I wasn't responding to anyone. I'm a fairly new Reddit user in terms of posting - I normally read a lot and that's all - and because of this, I had no clue that a temporary comment ban didn't affect my ability to edit the post. I would have edited the post much sooner had I known I was able to regardless of the comment ban.
There are so many things that need to be addressed about this post and the most important one is about my wife. I love her more than anyone on Reddit thinks I do. She is an amazing woman and a wonderful mother. I absolutely DO NOT think she is an incompetent parent nor do I think she neglects my son. None of the information I provided was ever supposed to convey that negative message about her.
My whole issue was: "he's awake, he's been awake, why are you still asleep?" - that's all, and she agreed she stays up too late plus has alarms set now.
I showed my wife how this post EXPLODED and she COULD NOT believe the kind of attention it got. She is very much in love with me and does not agree that I am controlling nor does she believe that I am micromanaging her daily life.
Also, because so many people believe that I intentionally left out the medical issues she has, I'll list them here:
- postpartum depression
- low vitamin B-12
- chronic fatigue
Now, let me explain why I didn't list them originally.
Her low vitamin B-12 is not a deficiency, her level is just lower than what is considered "best" for her age; this is according to recent bloodwork that I recommended. The results state that any number between 100 pg/mL and 914 pg/mL is "within normal range", and her level is 253 pg/mL. The doctor suggested sublingual B-12 1000mcg daily to raise the level a little, but stated that apart from that, she could not find a reason for the chronic fatigue. Because of these results, and especially after purchasing the supplements, in my mind, the B-12 is not a problem. Also, the bloodwork confirmed that everything else was normal.
The postpartum depression is actively being monitored and treated by a professional. My wife literally goes to a psychiatrist, or psychologist (I can't remember their exact title) multiple times a year and we pay for medication every 30 days. She initially tried depression medication, followed the regimen religiously and not much changed for her. This was addressed in a following appointment and a new medication was prescribed. Her current medication is normally used to treat ADHD or narcolepsy and the doctor believed it would alleviate some of her tiredness and release more dopamine thus providing more energy in her daily life. This does seem to be true and she seems to be happy with the medicine.
The chronic fatigue is a result of her own poor scheduling and personal health. She has agreed that she spends too much time sitting and using the phone. She naps when our son naps and has trouble falling asleep at a normal bedtime hour due to this daytime sleep. We always go to bed together and he's told me multiple times that she moved to the living room after I fell asleep because she couldn't sleep and was bored just lying there. Then, midnight or later comes, she's finally drowsy and decides to sleep. However, the overstimulation from social media and phone usage makes it difficult for her brain to reach REM sleep normally. So she falls asleep at 12:00, our son wakes up at 8:00, eight hours have passed and she still feels tired and not at all rested.
I do know and have known about her condition. We have agreed to disagree about the cause of her sleeping problems. In her mind she has chronic fatigue because of insomnia and it's a vicious cycle. In my mind she stays up too late on the phone and doesn't get the sleep her body needs.
Whether the internet thinks she is a bad mother, negligent, lazy or abusive is not important. I know and love the woman I married, I do feel comfortable leaving her with our kid and she does an amazing job with him. In a few comments I stated that she was lazy and didn't do much at home. I won't deny those statements, but in the moment I was still aggravated because the argument over the phone had just recently ended. I don't truly think she's lazy because I've seen what she can do; I just think she's unmotivated due to a lack of sleep and the same four walls every day.
Finally, I am not spying on her or my son. We only have two cameras in this house and both are in our son's room. One camera provides a wide-angle view of the entire room and the other is positioned directly above his crib. The cameras serve no purpose during the day because I'd barely be able to hear background noise from another room even if I did try to listen in.
***[Compilers note: these last two paragraphs of this edit are what I considered the conclusion***] My wife is an amazing woman and an amazing mother. My son is just so happy all the time, he's super smart, full of energy and extremely healthy. I will not be hiring a nanny or using a daycare. There is absolutely nothing wrong with what my wife does during the day, I just wish she'd start her day earlier for my little man.
I want to say thank you to everyone who commented on this post and messaged me. My wife and I had a long, in-depth conversation last night after all of the attention this post received and I've shown her everything. There were tears, much more laughs and a lot of things to think about.
I think the most important thing we learned is that so many people are quick to judge and that in itself is a very big problem.
**EDIT 2**
I need to make it clear that my wife does not have narcolepsy. She is not taking medicine for narcolepsy. I said that the medicine she takes now is USUALLY used to treat narcolepsy or ADHD. She also does not have ADHD.
The second thing we learned is that people love to add details and change the story.
***Verdict: YTA***
**Comments from OOP**
*1*
We went to bed together at 8:39 last night. How much sleep does she need and how long should he be forced to wait in the dark without food or toys?
*2*
Thank you. That's all it is. I'm not controlling, she prefers to stay at home, she has her own vehicle and she can leave whenever she wants. All I care about is his development and it bothers me that the first quarter of his time awake before his nap is spent in the dark, alone and bored.
*3*
That's how I feel. Others are saying that I'm controlling and she lives like a prisoner but he is the priority in my mind. It's our fault he's here; it is what it is.
*4*
I'm not spying on him. I just miss him. When I see him wide awake, beaming with energy but stuck in the dark, it bothers me and I feel like it's my duty as his father to help. Am I really wrong for this?
*5*
Is it so hard to bring a toddler to the kitchen to play with magnets on a refrigerator while you prepare a small meal? Do you really think it's right for a toddler to wake up and be forced to wait in the dark for two hours before their caregiver arrives to provide the attention and love they so desperately need in the early years?
*6*
I know he sleeps through the night and if he didn't for some reason I would have woken up as well and known about it. Also, I never expect her to spend every second of the day with him, I don't even do that when I'm home, but why can't she get up at a decent hour? Shouldn't a mother adjust her schedule to fit the child?
*7*
A sleep study confirmed that she doesn't have sleep apnea, depression medicine didn't work so now she's taking medicine that usually treats narcolepsy/ADHD, she had blood tests done not too long ago and according to the doctor "everything is fine" and they "didn't find a cause" for her "chronic fatigue" except for a lower than average B12 level.
I bought B12 supplements as per the doctor's request but she "forgets" to take them and when she's awake she sits on the couch browsing social media almost all day long.
*8*
Do you honestly believe that it's acceptable to go to bed at 9:00 and sleep until 12:00 even though you have a toddler at home that wakes up at 8:00? I shouldn't have to be there nor should I have to spend money on someone to care for my child when his mother is perfectly capable.
*9*
I swear she doesn't do much of anything around the house other than sit on the couch looking at TikTok or Facebook - but this isn't a post about a lazy wife, it's about a post about a father who wishes his child's mother could provide a better structure for the child. Her schedule needs work and she cannot continue to just sleep in until SHE is ready to get up. Also, he does cry when he's waited long enough and that's what wakes her on the days that I'm just too busy at work.
*10*
I am not spying on her. We literally do not talk at all during the day until I'm back home except for this one time in the mornings.
*11*
There is no routine though. That's my issue. If it weren't for me, he'd be fed and allowed playtime at very different times every day. I agree with the benefits of alone time but isn't it a bit much to keep him waiting for more than an hour and some times more than two hours?
*12*
That's my whole point. Everyone is saying "the child is safe" or "he wasn't crying", and they are absolutely correct. However, when I'm home I jump out of bed and go in there singing my "good morning song" when I hear that he's awake. I don't think I'm fostering anything negative in the development of his personality.
I genuinely cannot wait to see him smile at me, I cannot wait to hear him say my name, I cannot wait to watch him throw his hands up and tell me "up, up". I love bonding with him, I love interacting with him and I love letting him follow me around the house while I do adult things.
He's my little sidekick.
*13*
Yes, the decision for a child was mutual.
She doesn't do anything but feed him, lay him down at nap time, wash dishes and browse social media on the couch.
This post was never about a "lazy wife" but about a father who wants a more consistent structure to be provided to his child.
We agreed that she'd be a stay-at-home mom, she wants this and I make a good living.
*14*
When I'm home, my son and I don't exist.
I'm up at 5:00 every morning for work and up by 7:00 on the mornings that I'm home.
And he does eventually cry. When I don't call, his crying is what eventually wake her up.
*15*
She wanted the cameras.
🆕🆕🆕🆕🆕🆕🆕🆕
Part 1: https://www.tiktok.com/tag/redditstorytime
Hi! I had saw your TikTok a few days ago about the “AITA for calling every morning”. I am the wife of the poster. I had seen a lot of comments saying “I want to hear his wife’s side” or “I bet he didn’t tell his wife”. Well, I’m reaching out to you tell you my side. I do not mind you posting about this on TikTok, but I’d like to remain anonymous.
I’m going to try to explain a little more on my health issues. So I do see a psychiatrist once a month. When I first went I was diagnosed with the following: anxiety, bipolar, manic depression, insomnia, ADHD, & a few others I can’t remember (they’re not important anyways). So I am currently taking a medication now that does usually treat adhd and narcolepsy.
I actually just went & seen the psychiatrist (a new one) yesterday & she did tell me that I do not have ADHD that I have ADD. I do not have narcolepsy. I’m not sure how anyone thought I did considering he said I’m on a medication that is “usually” used to treat those things.
The tiredness p: he states that the issue is that I sit on the couch on my phone all day long. Now, I am on my phone on social media a lot during the day, however it is not all day as I do have to take care of our son. So, I play with him most of the day, I do the dishes, I fix his lunch, & then I lay him down for his nap & I go to the room & have “me time” on social media or watch Netflix for 2-3 hours while my son sleeps.
I do not get a whole lot of sleep at night because of the insomnia & I don’t nap during the day anymore. We usually lay our son down at 8 like he said & he’s usually asleep within 15 minutes & we’ll both come to the room. However, he will watch YouTube and I will watch Netflix or get on social media once again.
Part 2: https://www.tiktok.com/@frinthehuman/video/7174231626497445166?_t=8Y1YdgfUPqF&_r=1
Until roughly 10:00-10:30 depending on how tired my husband is. Eventually after 1-2 hours I get tired of just laying there & go to the living room & get back on my phone. Between 12 & 1 I go back to the room & lay there for another 1-2 hours before I finally fall asleep.
My husband will wake me around 5 to give me a kiss before he gets out of bed and starts getting ready for work. This is the time I get the best sleep. I guess because he’s not in the bed. Lol. I don’t wake up in the mornings because when my son wakes up he lays there talking to hisself & it isn’t loud enough for me to hear until he starts getting excited about certain words or making certain sounds.
*I know this because he does this every time he wakes up from a nap.* once I hear him I do get up. I use the bathroom, go to the kitchen, make his breakfast & his drink & get his high chair ready & then go get him. This takes maybe 15 minutes. A lot of people were saying that our son is neglected & he is most definitely not. In any way. Some were saying that he’s “learned that crying didn’t get him anywhere”.
Anytime he cries, I go to him. No matter what. Our son is always a happy baby unless he is sick. As for the way he writes/talks…that’s just him. He’s always like that. Lol. He posted it because he wanted to know if he was in the wrong for calling me & waking me up & telling me that I needed to get him as soon as I finished using the bathroom or if he should have just left me alone.
Part 3: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRVSgkL2/
When he posted it, he didn’t think that it was going to blow up like it did…but boy was he wrong. Lol the only time he gets on the camera is in the mornings anywhere between 8am-10am, it just depends on how busy he is at work & finally has a minute to get on it. I am the sole caregiver for our child (which was mutual, I actually brought it up first); it is very stressful & lonely at times.
But I don’t need help as he is our child & my responsibility to care for while my husband is at work. Adult interaction? Yes. My husband does love me very much. Even though a lot of people think he doesn’t.
He is the reason that I finally went & got my blood work done, because he kept telling me I needed to go to find out what was wrong with me & why I’m so tired all the time. I didn’t want to go because I was scared something could be terribly wrong (thankfully there wasn’t, just semi low b12). He did get me the medicine my doctor suggested I take, but as he said I forget to take it. I forget things very easy. I also need to have that checked, but I don’t want to as I’m scared something could be wrong. As for his controlling/micromanaging: I do not think he is either of those things. However, the way he says some things to me or approaches things does seem like he is. But I can assure you he isn’t. Lol. I love my husband very much
Part 4: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRVSBsw1/ as for all the comments saying “she’s a shit mom”, “she’s neglectful”, “she’s abusive”, “she’s disgusting”, “she’s a lazy cunt” & all the other many HORRIBLE comments towards me…they were extremely hurtful. Again, I’ll say…I’m not neglectful, my son is well fed, bathed, happy, & extremely smart for him to be almost 2 and have been born 2 months early. He is very well taken care of. I’m most definitely not abusive. I would NEVER hurt my child in my way. I love my son with everything in me. He is literally my whole world & I would do anything for him.
The only bad thing that I was doing was sleeping longer than I should have & making him wait an extra 15-20 minutes on a diaper change because I didn’t want him running around climbing on everything while I was trying *quickly* to get his breakfast ready.
But, seeing how many people say that I was. Shit mom for that, I have now been setting a few alarms & getting up & going straight to him to change him & then taking him with me to fix his breakfast. I just wanna say thank you for not bashing me like everyone else.
Also I just want to add when he mentioned “I usually have to call 3 or 4 times” I hear my phone ringing but I know it’s him so I ignore it lol (as I’m getting up)…I’m so sorry that this is so long & I know you’re getting tired of hearing about this post, but I just wanted to hopefully clear up a few things & kinda share my side. Not sure if I did too good of a job though lol.
Also…sorry it’s a few days after everything, I couldn’t decide if I actually wanted to respond to everything or not. But ultimately I just wanted to let everyone know I’m not a bad mom like everyone thinks I am & that my husband really isn’t that bad…lol
—The Assholes Wife 🤣💗
[**From the TikTok poster:**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zsvwa8/aita_for_calling_every_morning_with_the_wifes/j1f26ee/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
I was wondering if this was gonna make it here.😅
I’m frinthehuman! I don’t blame you for editing out my commentary.🤣 we all had a lot to say!
Something my followers and I noticed was how ready she seemed to downplay her own mental illness. Many of my commenters also pointed out that outdated ADD diagnosis and found that problematic. I also questioned the validity but she had a real profile and everything.
I ended the story time just by saying no one should be treating anyone this way, ESPECIALLY, their partners. It sounds really bad but we will never know their relationship as well as they do. I still thought the husband was terrible for even sending reddit after her like he did. Lastly, I wished her well. 🤖🦋🌈
How wild!
——————
**Reminder, this is not my story.** | 2,576 | 2022-12-22T20:25:19 | “AITA for calling every morning?“, with the wife’s side pulled from TikTok | NEW UPDATE | green_girl15 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zsvwa8/aita_for_calling_every_morning_with_the_wifes/ | false | false | [
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zsw2x2 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-22T20:33:16 | “AITA for calling every morning?“, with the wife’s side pulled from TikTok | NEW UPDATE | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zsw2x2/aita_for_calling_every_morning_with_the_wifes/ | false | false | [
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zswuqg | I AM NOT OOP. THIS IS A REPOST SUB.
[The original](https://www.reddit.com/r/FinancialPlanning/comments/tii2bc/boyfriend_wants_me_to_pay_off_his_mortgage_with/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) was posted in [r/FinancialPlanning](https://www.reddit.com/r/FinancialPlanning/) March 20, 2022
[The update](https://www.reddit.com/r/FinancialPlanning/comments/u9km3a/update_my_boyfriend_wants_me_to_payoff_his/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) was posted April 22, 2022
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
**Boyfriend wants me to pay off his mortgage with ESOP money**
So my company had an employee stock ownership program. I have about $100k in it. Our company is 8 years into a 15 year plan to release all the shares . It was bought out by an investor and we were told all the shares will now be released and expect that figure to double. So now I’m looking at approximately $200k.
I am in the US and am 46 years old. I can cash that out at about a 34% tax rate plus a 10% penalty or roll it all into my 401k without any taxes or penalties.
My boyfriend of 8 years whom I’ve been living with for 3 years wants me to cash it out and pay off his mortgage of $138k. His idea is that he will pay me back over the next 15 years. He says he will pay me about $350 per month. He is subtracting the $600 a month rent I currently pay from the money he will pay me back.
He thinks it’s a great idea and better to invest in real estate than the stock market. So if I did this he would put my name on the deed and I would have equity in the house. He thinks it makes sense.
I don’t because once I retire we would either have to sell the house or do a reverse mortgage for me to have income (retirement) to live off of.
Would there be any future financial benefit for me to follow his plan? Is a 401k still a better option?
I don’t come from money, I have no family that will ever leave me an inheritance. I feel like I will never have this opportunity to save for the future again and I don’t want to mess this up.
I also am not financially in a spot where I can just up and leave him and buy a house on my own. These last 2 years have been extremely financially difficult for me.
\~\~
Some comments on the post:
>*"No, for so many reasons. This isn’t real estate investing. It’s just you giving a personal loan to your boyfriend."*
&#x200B;
>*"No kidding… some perspective for OP, if the market continues to average 6% over time (the US is dependent on this and the govt will do everything they can to ensure their part), this money will double every 12 years. At 58, OP would have $400k. At 70, $800k.*
>
>*OP’s boyfriend is financially illiterate or in it for himself only…*
>
>*Good news though, at $350 a month over the same 24 years you’ll get your $100k back. Assuming he doesn’t eventually convince you that’s no longer necessary since “it’s all OUR money anyway” obviously."*
&#x200B;
>*"Absolutely not. This man is not even your husband and you are willing to take all this risk? No way. Do not do it. Not to mention the ridiculous tax hit you would be hit with. Your anxiety about doing this tells you all you need to know. Trust that instinct. Put that money into a 401 k or similar retirement fund. Have that peace of mind that it will grow for you and be there for you when you go to retire."*
&#x200B;
>*You now have 50+ comments within 2 hours full of people telling you "NO". I'm doing my part to hopefully double or triple that:*
>
>*"No"*
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
**Update \*My boyfriend wants me to payoff his mortgage with ESOP money**
Sorry I don’t know how to link the original post.
So I met with a financial advisor today for two hours. I explained everything to him and he crunched the numbers for me. And of course the answer is NO, do not do this! He gave me the data in black and white and even colored charts and I could easily see cashing out the ESOP was never a good idea.
Even if I extended my retirement age and saved more monthly I would still lose over $300k over time ( which I know many of you pointed out). I will be putting this money into an IRA.
Thanks to everyone for their helpful advice on my previous post. Again I have been blissfully unaware of how all of this works and never even paid attention to the money in my ESOP or thought about retirement. I have learned a lot and feel like I am better prepared for my future.
I let my boyfriend know my decision and he told me to do what’s best and that he trusts me and didn’t want me to make a huge financial mistake
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
I AM NOT OOP. THIS IS A REPOST SUB. | 5,588 | 2022-12-22T21:06:17 | OOP's boyfriend wants her to pay off his mortgage with her Employee Stock Ownership Plan (ESOP) money and asks Reddit for financial advice. | CONCLUDED | BarriBlue | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zswuqg/oops_boyfriend_wants_her_to_pay_off_his_mortgage/ | false | false | [
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zt06l3 | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/sunsetwildfire in r/relationship_advice**
trigger warnings: >!self harm, suicidal thoughts!<
---
&nbsp;
[**I'm a female born without a vagina. How do I tell a guy that I'm interested in about it?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/9w3o3w/im_a_female_born_without_a_vagina_how_do_i_tell_a/) - 11 November 2018
I'm not too sure where to post this but the MRKH subreddit is very dead, so I guess I'll give this a shot??
I have MRKH syndrome. Basically meaning I was born with without a vagina, vaginal canal, cervix, uterus, and fallopian tubes. This makes me unable to have sex, and unable to have children.
I met a guy on a dating app about a week ago and we've been texting since. I've been super busy with school, volunteer work, and meetings, so we haven't actually met in person yet. We spoke on the phone once so far while he was walking home from work at 3am (he's a bartender). He's really funny, and I feel like he gets me. We've set up a coffee date for Wednesday and I'm really looking forward to it.
So far, he's definitely shown interest in me, saying things like how hes been crushing on me or how he thinks I'm really sweet and lovely. I don't want to get ahead of myself but I feel the same way back. This is the first time I've ever connected with someone this way on a dating app!
I'm excited but at the same time I'm also VERY nervous. He's very honest and blunt about things and I feel that I need to reciprocate that. A lot of doctors and therapists say that there's no 'right time' to discuss it, only when you feel comfortable. Although that's true, I dont want either of us to be invested in the other before having the chance to talk about it. So I guess my question is how long should I wait before telling him? Would it be too much if I told him on our first date? I mean, for all I know maybe he won't even be interested in me after meet in person. But at the same time if he is, I'm not trying to scare him away...
And a follow up question, how do I begin to tell him?? Maybe a funny way to approach it? Or a good conversation starter that could lead the conversation towards my condition? I've told one guy before and that didn't go to well. I waited a month to tell him and I ended up crying while doing it. He was interested in me before I told him but afterwards, he was only interested in being FWB. My self-esteem definitely took a kick with that one.
Any advice would be good really. Thanks.
&nbsp;
[**Update on: I'm a female born without a vagina. How do I tell a guy that I'm interested in about it?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/9xps88/update_on_im_a_female_born_without_a_vagina_how/) - 16 November 2018
I apologize for the length of this, but I supposed I needed something for me to layout what happened and come to terms with it. So, if just want a plain update, and don’t want to read this (which will probably end up being very long):
**In short, it went terrible. And frankly, I didn't handle it well.**
The original plan was to get coffee, see how the date went and go on from there. He told me he had been recently fat-fished (not sure if that is the correct term, but he had previous met up with a girl that was waaaay heavier than what was presented in her dating profile, and it allegedly went poorly).
He was texting me less and less leading up to the day we planned on meeting, last Wednesday. He texted me Tuesday morning saying that he was sick, and apologized for the lack of communication. I had classes that day and was only able to get back to him later in the evening. I asked him if he was busy because I wanted to call him, see how he was feeling, and figure out what the plan was. I told him that health comes first, and we can always reschedule, but he insisted how badly he wanted to see me. Somehow he convinced me to see him Tuesday, at his place, even though he was sick.
Once I got to his place, he was extremely sweet and nice. We totally hit it off, he complimented me a lot, said I was cute and hugged me, twice, all excitedly like when a puppy see’s you when you get home after a long day. He made us coffee, and we talked about life, school, family, hobbies/interests, etc. It was going very well. We got into the discussion of movies/tv shows, and he ended up turning on his TV, and switched to Netflix. I asked him if he watched any anime. Personally, I’m not big on anime but I’ve seen a few shows because my younger brother is into it. I recommended Full Metal Alchemist to him and we started watching that.
He asked if he could sit closer to me, I said yes, and he noticed I was cold, so he turned up the heat and brought out a blanket for us. I had my head resting on his chest with his arm around me, and I joked about how fast his heart was beating. He said that it was probably because he had a cute girl sitting with him. In that moment, I realized I had to tell him about my condition. It took awhile for me to get into that discussion because 1) I just wanted to hold on to that moment for a bit longer and 2) I wanted to tell him, but I couldn’t get the words to come out. He looked at me and tried going in for a kiss, but I pulled away. I said that I had to tell him something and asked him to turn off the tv. He obliged.
I just froze after that. I literally couldn’t get the words to come out in the way I wanted them to or how to begin to talk coherently. Even though I asked for advice in the previous post, I totally went blank in that moment and none of it was implemented effectively. I tried changing the conversation because I felt like I was going to cry but he assured me that I could tell him. I honestly don’t remember what I said because I’m pretty sure my brain shut down, but I managed to mumble some sort of god-awful explanation. He asked a few questions, and then said he wasn’t sure if he could be in a relationship that doesn’t involve sex. He said that we could keep it casual for now and see where things went.
Even though I originally went in with the worst expectation, I was still hurt by what he said. I felt really let down because he met a lot of the things on my checklist and I thought we connected well. I asked what “keep it casual” specifically meant for him, and he said that we could be exclusive, but he didn’t want to get too emotionally attached. I guess that was the part that really stung. I told him that I wasn’t looking for a definitive answer yet because it was still too early to tell anything, and I wasn’t looking for marriage, but if he knew right now, for a fact, that he can’t be in a serious relationship with someone that has my condition then I wasn’t interested.
I know myself too well and honest to god I can’t get involved with someone without getting emotionally attached and agreeing to “see where it went” would be intentionally setting myself up to get hurt. Plus, I think that was just his way of saying no to me nicely. He politely said that we could both take a few days to think about what we wanted, and he’d let me know. He was just trying to let me down easy, because we both knew what he meant.
It was around 8:30pm by the time we got done with that discussion and I said that I should probably leave. He walked me to the elevator, in silence, and as I was about to enter the elevator he asked if I would still be interested in being friend because he enjoyed my company. I said I wasn’t sure, and that I’d talk to him later. By the time I got down to the 1st floor and out the building, I had tears down my face and I felt like absolute shit.
Pretty much every guy I have told about my condition would later go on to say that we could be FWB or something more ‘friendly’. I just felt like no one would ever want me for me, and that all I would be good for is some side action. I felt really alone. I felt that the only reason I had ever been in a relationship previously was because I hadn’t been diagnosed with my condition when I started dating my ex, and we had already been together for a year when I did find out. I felt like he only stayed with me a year longer was because we had an emotional bond, but even that came to an end when he cheated on me. I’m not THAT insecure but at that time I couldn’t think straight. I had just experienced something nice, and it was instantly taken away from me.
I haven’t had many friends after my ex cheated on me with my best friend and I cut contact with everyone in that circle and making friends at University is difficult if you’re a commuter. I ended up calling a guy I know as I walked back to the subway. I don’t really consider him a friend anymore because he has told me he has feelings for me, but I don’t feel the same way back towards him, and he makes constant cheesy statements about me and him despite me telling him not to. I don’t want him getting too attached to me, so I keep my distance. But in that moment, I really needed someone, and I didn’t have any other option. So I called him, he picked up, I asked if he was busy, and he said he was playing a game with friends and he could call me back later... I didn’t want to bother him like that, so I told him it wasn’t necessary.
So, I did something very stupid, and called my ex. His gf (the girl he cheated on me with) had him block my number, so it went straight to voicemail. Like any insane person, I left a very pathetic voicemail, sobbing and all. I said I didn’t have anyone to talk to and apologized for calling him, but I couldn’t think of anyone else to talk to. I didn’t mention what happened or anything, just that I needed someone. I stood outside in the cold (its snowing here) for awhile until my whole body felt numb. I gathered myself and thought “C’mon, what are the fuck are you doing? This is not you. You’re better than this.” I promptly got on the subway, went home, got into bed, and went to sleep.
I woke up the next morning with a fever (that’s what I get for getting too close to a guy that’s sick) but still had to go to class and attend tutorials. I thought about my reaction a lot, and how poorly I had handled it. Clearly, I have issues I need to work on. I stayed late after the tutorial getting extra help, and after my TA was done helping all the other students, I went to her office and privately asked her if she had any recommendations for someone that I could talk to on campus.
She asked me if it had to do with academic stress or something more personal. I said the latter. She pulled out her laptop so quick and got me numbers/emails/addresses for places I could contact on campus. She told me that she understood and that she too was having issues a couple months ago and recommended a clinic she had been to personally. I couldn’t stop thanking her. Before I left, I said, “It’s not a big deal or too serious, I guess things could always be worse” and without skipping a beat, she said “Yeah, but things could also be a lot better.” I thanked her for her help and left.
He hasn’t texted me in 2 days now. I’ll wait a little longer, but I guess I got my answer. I realize I am not ready for dating. For the time being, I should get help.
Its not that I can’t handle rejection, but that fact that time and time again, I get guys who are totally into me, and aren’t looking for sex right away because they want something more meaningful, but as soon as I mention no sex at all (for now, at least), they turn me down. If they rejected me right from the start, and we didn’t get along well, I could handle that perfectly fine. I cant help but think I’m a defective human, and will never find a guy who would appreciate me for me.
I have yet contact the number my TA gave me.
If you’ve read this far, thank you. If you have any advice, things I should improve on, better ways to handle situations like this, constructive criticism, or any other comments, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you.
**Edit:**
I woke up to a thousand notifications lol I was not expecting for this post to blow up! Thanks to whoever gilded this. I have no idea what it means or what it does, but thanks!
I just want to thank each and every one of you guys that took the time out of your day to comment on here. I spent a good chunk of my morning just reading the comments. Your kindness and honesty has really touched my heart. Some comments made me tear up. I didn't know I needed to hear the things I did. Thank you. A lot of people also reached out to me personally and offered to talk to me, after I said that I didn't have many friends to talk to. You guys are one of the nicest people ever. I truly do appreciate it. The internet is one hell of a thing!
It's unrealistic for me to reply to each comment but I'll try my best to get to it over the next couple days. I will read all the comments and message even if I don't get around to responding to them.
Truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you Reddit. ❤️
**Edit:**
I'm getting a lot of questions and comments about my conditions and the specifics of it. I'm currently a little busy right now but I'm going to add another edit later today or make another post about it, explaining it better and why my condition wasn't diagnosed when I was born and a little more about my family situation and options for surgery.
I'm honestly surprised that this is getting so much attention. But I'm also happy that I get to inform and educate others!
&nbsp;
[**Final Post on: I'm a female born without a vagina. How do I tell a guy that I'm interested in about it?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/9y58ch/final_post_on_im_a_female_born_without_a_vagina/) - 18 November 2018
I was going to make this an edit but due to its length, I figured to make it a separate post. I don't even know if this is relevant to this subreddit anymore, but I sincerely apologize if I am in the wrong.
I just wanted to address some common questions, and to clear up some things I've mentioned in the comments briefly. I hope this post is a little more coherent and organized than my previous ones.
But before I do that, I want to thank everyone who sent me a DM, inboxed me, or commented, offering to talk or giving me advice. I’ve read through all of them, but I haven’t gotten around to replying, but regardless, thank you so so soo much. You have no idea how much it actually means to me, and how much I appreciate it. I love you all <3
# Quick update:
I texted Kyle yesterday and he replied. I asked him how he was feeling. He said he was even more sick than earlier. I said I was too, and I said it was his fault (in a joking way, because it was just as much my fault too). I told him about how I had a volunteer thing at University which I went to and how I nearly fainted because of my fever and ended up coming home early. But that was it. We didn’t talk about much else because he stopped responding.
In addition to this, I haven’t called the number my TA gave me because they are only open Monday - Friday from 8am to 4pm. So, I’m going to be doing that on Monday, hopefully.
# My condition:
The exact name for my condition is Mayer-Rokitansky-Küster-Hauser Syndrome, or MRKH Syndrome for short. It affects 1 in every 5000 women. A lot of people, I’m assuming they were trolls, stated that I was a guy or something along those line. Just to clarify, I am a woman, I look like a woman physically and I’ve felt like a woman my whole life. I was genetically born with XX chromosomes. Being a woman is not something I doubt.
There are basically 2 types of branches within MRKH. Type 1 is an isolated occurrence, meaning there is only a lack/underdevelopment of internal reproductive organs. Type 2 is more serious as it is also associated with auditory, vertebral, renal, and cardiac issues. This may include hearing loss, bent or curved spine, missing kidney, etc. I have type 1. There are a lot of variations for each woman and to what extent they are affected by this. I am mainly going to be talking about my individual case.
# Diagnosis:
A lot of people were confused as to why I was only diagnosed with this a year ago and not at birth, and why did I find out after already being with my ex for over a year.
The way MKRH works is that it affects INTERNAL reproductive organs. This means that just by looking on the outside, it is undetectable. From the outside, I look like a normal female. I have normal external genitalia, including a clitoris, urethra, labia, etc. I am missing the vaginal opening, cervix, uterus, fallopian tubes, and my ovaries are underdeveloped. My ovaries contain a few eggs, and they function enough to produce lower levels of estrogen, which is why I am still physically able to look like a female. For me personally, instead of a vaginal opening, I have something called an indentation or ‘dimple’. For 18 years of my life, I lived thinking I was just like any other girl. I never once suspected anything wrong.
When I started dating my ex, we never attempted to have sex because neither of us were ready. But this was around the time I started to feel like something was wrong. One main reason was that I hadn’t started my period, and the second being the fact that I wasn’t able to insert a finger inside my vagina. For some reason, at the time, I assumed periods and fingering went together. I thought that once a girl got her period, her vagina “opened” and the barrier fell out or something like that. Its weird looking back at that now haha.
I went to the doctors one day (this was before I started dating my ex) with my mom after she started getting worried about me not getting my period. This is probably one of the most common ways women with MRKH find out about it. The doctors simply assumed that I was a late bloomer, and told me to fix up my diet and workout. I was underweight at the time, around 82lbs with a height of 5ft or 152cm. I was referred to a pediatrician who did absolute jackshit about my situation.
The following year, I got my shit together on my own. I joined the wrestling team, track team, and I started doing weight training. As a result of this, I was also eating way more, and I gained a lot of muscle mass. I got my weight up to 120lbs. when I still hadn’t gotten my period, I went back to the doctors. They still didn’t take it too seriously, telling me that some women don’t get their periods until they turn 20 or something, or asked me about my family history. I had multiple blood tests done, showing my levels were completely normal. I didn’t feel like everything was normal, so I switched around doctors, seeing different specialists, and pediatricians, getting more and more blood tests done each time.
Needless to say, I was getting tired of blood tests because I knew they didn’t show anything. One doctor said my prolactin levels were too high, but I think that was circumstantial. Prolactin is the hormone that produces breast milk in pregnant women, and she kept insisting that I had breast discharge which is something I had NEVER experienced before in my life. Some how, I can’t exactly remember which doctor, I ended up getting put on birth control pills as an attempt to “reset” my biological functions and induce a period. I diligently took the BC pills every day. Nothing happened. This is when I thought, “Is it just me or does healthcare in Canada suck?”.
Then another doctor suggested I get a pelvic ultrasound done. This is when they found the issue. The poor lady who did my ultrasound spent over an hour looking for my uterus which didn’t even exist. The doctor did a pretty terrible job of telling me the news, in all honestly. She stood at the door, ultrasound reading in hand, with the door wide open, and told my mom I had MRKH. She said according to the ultrasound I had an underdeveloped uterus (this ends up being false later). She literally didn’t even spend 2 mins talking about it and left. I walked back to the car with my mom, she was crying as she called my dad and told him the news.
His response was just to start swearing, not knowing he was on speaker phone and I could hear him. And then he said, “its okay, just forget it”. I came home, and I did some googling and started to learn more about MRKH. I had already been with my ex for over a year up till this point, and I texted him while he was at work, and told him about it. I also added that if it changed anything between us, that I would understand, and I wouldn’t hold it against him. As much as I might hate him now, he was the only one who ever handled this news properly, which is something I really needed at the time.
After the initial news, my doctor handed my file over to a SickKids Hospital in downtown Toronto as they were better acquitted to handle cases like mine. They started off by wanting to get everything straight with what they knew about my condition. They had me get an MRI done because, although ultrasounds are more inexpensive, they are not as clear and detailed as an MRI. I also had an ear exam, x-rays of my spine, and another pelvic ultrasound (to check kidneys). Doctors aren’t allowed to disclose patient information and of course, the poor lady spent a good while looking for my uterus and even called in another technician to help.
I ended up asking them if they were trying to look for my uterus, because I didn’t have one. The look on their face was hilarious as I’m sure they probably never heard of my condition either. After I met up with my doctor, and everything was figured out, I was properly informed that I did not have any issues with my spine, or kidneys, or ears, but I was missing a uterus, cervix, vaginal canal, and fallopian tubes. I was called in for another appointment after a couple weeks and they did a physical examination where they wanted to measure the depth of my vagina. They had me lay down with my legs in the stirrups, and they took a Q-tip covered in a lubricant gel and inserted it in my vagina. The depth of it was about 3mm deep. It was actually quite painful, and I hated doctors by this point anyways.
# Family Situation:
My parents are pretty religious, and discussions about topics about the female body, menstruation, and private matters like that are HIGHLY taboo. Everyone knows about it, but no one talks about it. my mother isn't educated and she doesn’t know English well so most of the time when I went to the doctors, I went with my dad. It was very weird and awkward. The few times my dad refused to go with me, I went with my mom and had to translate everything the doctor were saying for her.
After my last appointment with SickKids hospital, they referred me to a social worker who gave me her business card, some brochures and other things with information about my condition. My dad took those from me and threw them out, saying I didn’t need them. They also asked if I would like to attend the support group meetings, they had weekly at the hospital to which my dad also insisted that I didn’t it. Going to therapy at the Hospital in secret isn't an option because its too far. I can’t drive on the highway yet, and it would be impossible for me to make up some lie to go. Taking the bus there would take over 2 hours, which I don’t particularly mind doing if it helps me, but I don’t have time due to school.
I actually got a letter from the hospital in September about a pretty cool MRKH conference here where different doctors came with information and everyone dealing with it was invited. I really really wanted to go. But again, it was far. I figured since it was a once in a lifetime opportunity, I could definitely bus there. The event started at 8am and bussing literally took 5 hours. It was unrealistic for me to go.
So then I told my parents about it and they said "you don't want to go to that. They’ll put all sorts of rubbish in your mind and how you're not really a woman." I tried arguing that it was EXACTLY the opposite of that, and that they WANT to inform you that you ARE women despite the lack of certain organs. They responded by taking away the letter (which had a website address on it) I had received from the hospital and throwing it away.
I had someone telling me that I need to stand up to my parents. My parents aren’t the issue, but my dad is. Unfortunately, due to the circumstances that I don’t particularly want to reveal online, standing up to him jeopardizes everything for my mother and my younger siblings which is something I refuse to do. I am well aware of the shitty situation I am in. I know they are being abusive, in more than one way. I’ve thought long and hard about it, and I’ve come to the terms that not doing anything about it is the best approach. I’m not saying this out of fear, or wanting to be selfish and pretending like we’re like a normal family. I’ve seriously taken everyone’s well-being and the future of my younger siblings into consideration, and unfortunately, this is the best option for now.
# Surgery:
I had a lot of people asking or informing me about surgery. In my first post, somewhere in the comments, I believe I said something along the lines of “Im a broke college student, and surgery isnt an option right now”, as a way to avoid talking about the real reason why I can’t get surgery yet. Lucky for me, I live in Canada and I have health insurance! Surgery is definitely an option for me. But due to my family situation, they believe that I wont need surgery until after I get married because I mean its not like I’m going to be having sex any time soon..haha.
# Additional comments:
1. A lot of people, mainly guys, are saying that I could look into doing anal. It’s all about personal preference, and I hate it. Its not sexy, its not fun, its literally feeling like reverse pooing and its not a good feeling.
2. I can look into the asexual community, but I am NOT asexual. I may not be able to satisfy my needs, but I do have a pretty high sex drive, and I do enjoy giving and other sexual activities. I don’t know if I would want to be in a relationship with an individual who does not want that.
3. A lot of people had a lot to say about how I handled the situation. Some saying I did the right thing, and others saying I did it too soon. Honestly, I haven’t figured out the right way to go about it. I have experimented with telling on first date, telling after a couple dates, telling before we even meet up, and none of them have gone well at all. I once told a guy about my condition before we met up, and the first thing he said to me when he saw me was "Aren't you surprised I still agreed to meet up with you after what you told me?"
I was so taken aback by it, I didn't even know how to respond to such an insensitive and arrogant comment. Someone said that “If a dude has irritable bowel syndrome, I’m sure its an important part of their life but it’s a huge first date turn off. So he shouldn’t disclose it on the first date”. True, but its not like them fucking is going to be affected by his IBS. I didn’t disclose it because it was an important aspect of my life but because it was RELEVANT to what was happening. I evaluated the situation I was in with Kyle and noticed that he was trying to get to the next level, so I had to tell him. Agree or not, first date material or not, I’m going to stand by with what I did because in that moment it was the right thing to do.
4. I am not going to disclose this on my dating profile. Its easy for everyone to sit there and suggest I do that, but you don’t really know what its like until you’re actually in the situation yourself. I don’t want to publicly display it to guys I’m not interested in, nor to those who aren’t interested in me. I know guys who also use those dating apps, and I don’t want them to stumble across my profile and find out about it.
5. The guy I ended up calling on Tuesday night, after I left Kyle’s apartment, he knows about my condition. He has told me that it wouldn’t bother him. I had a lot of messages telling me that I shouldn’t friend-zone him, and that I should give him a chance. Here is the real reason why I’m not attracted him nor why I would never ever give him a chance: He's basically doing nothing with his life. He's 24, lives with his mom, doesn't work, can't drive, plays video games all day, uses his depression and anxiety as an excuse from putting in any effort towards having an independent life.
Whereas I on the other hand, I work part-time, I study my ass off in school, and I make time to do extra curricular stuff. I also deal with depression, self harm, and suicidal thoughts. But I treat each day as an opportunity to make progress. I'm not saying I'm better than him because our circumstances are very different nor am I saying that he's not trying his best because everyone deals with things differently. I'm just saying he doesn't have his shit figured out yet and I'm not into that.
In addition to this, he was once involved in a situation where he was **“the other guy”**. He was involved with a girl who had a boyfriend and he knew this before getting involved with her but continued with it anyways because “he was lonely”. I was on the opposite end of that kind of situation, and even though he might not be aware of the magnitude of his actions, I am. There is no way I am dating someone who selfishly puts their needs first and is able to convince themselves that cheating is somehow okay.
6. I think one of the main reasons I even turned to reddit in the first place was because I am clearly looking for some sort of support because therapy isn't an option for me. Social media platforms for support do exist, but my parents have me added or followed on those, and I don’t want them finding out. There was user who commented on my previous post, saying that he worked with internet security and that he could help me out but for the life of me I can’t find his comment anymore amongst all the other notifications I got.
This is far longer than it needed to be, sorry. I hope I answered some questions. I really do appreciate all the support I got. Thank you, and take care everyone <3
**Edit:**
I'm only doing this to feel better about myself: Kyle replied. "I definitely do not want to get involved". Fuck you, Kyle. If y'all wanna hate on him, feel free to. I welcome it with open arms.
**Edit:**
I think I forgot to address this earlier. For those of you asking whether I can orgasm through clitoral stimulation, the answer is no. My clitoris is underdeveloped. Stimulation feels good, but it's not enough to reach orgasm. Maybe a stronger vibrator or something like that would work? I don't know. I haven't tried.
**Edit:**
GUYS. I. CAN. STILL. PEE. I have a urethra. You do not put a guys pee-pee in the same place you pee from. Simply anatomy.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 5,700 | 2022-12-22T23:23:46 | I'm a female born without a vagina. How do I tell a guy that I'm interested in about it? | CONCLUDED | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zt06l3/im_a_female_born_without_a_vagina_how_do_i_tell_a/ | false | false | [
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zt0gxj | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-22T23:32:45 | Get a Free $750 Cash-App Card! See if you are eligible! | CONCLUDED | xonexpp_3757 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zt0gxj/get_a_free_750_cashapp_card_see_if_you_are/ | false | false | [
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zt0h9g | Originally posted by u/_volly in r/ProRevenge on April 26, 2019, 1st update on May 23, 2019, 2nd update on Dec 12, 2022.
Triggers and Mood Spoiler ahead!
DID YOU KNOW, Kittens of the same litter can have different fathers.
If mama mates with multiple males during the same heat cycle, her eggs can be fertilized by different cats. It's called superfecundation and can explain why some kittens in a single litter look completely different from each other.
Trigger Warning: >!Child abuse/neglect, mention of DV, drug addiction!<
Mood Spoiler: >!Happy ending!<
[Original Post April 2019](https://www.reddit.com/r/ProRevenge/comments/bhog3h/when_you_refuse_to_take_responsibility_others/)
When you refuse to take responsibility, others will force you to do it - and you won't like it
When you refuse to take responsibility, others will force you to do it - and you won't like it
This is my first post and it is a long one so settle in - it's story time.
The cast (not their real names):
Jackie - foster mom - good person and neighbor
Tom - Foster dad, hubby to foster mom, he and I are brother from different mothers.
Baby Mama = mom to Chuck and Baby
Archie - Baby daddy and father to Chuck
Chuck - older child of Baby Mama
Baby - newborn of Baby Mama
Lisa - Baby Mama's younger sister and the first foster kid to be placed in Jackie and Tom's home
The story -
This all started when my neighbors across the street, Jackie and Tom, wanted kids and found out they couldn't due to medical reasons. I won't go into that however they did decide to be foster parents. Now in describing Jackie and Tom - they are the nicest people you would ever want to meet. Both would help anyone, give the shirt off their backs, and try to see the good in people. They bought the house they live in now so that they could raise a family. Seeing how they could not have kids of their own, they thought they could help other kids have a better life.
The first child to come stay with them is 11 year old Lisa. She came from a troubled home - well to put it more simply a trailer with no electricity and no running water. It was a real bad situation. Lisa was failing at school and running wild. In a short time Jackie and Tom had her enrolled in the local middle school, set ground rules and worked closely with her on everything. It was amazing the turnaround that happened at first. However... bad things started to happen. Lisa's parents kept trying to get her home and being the delinquent parents they were, it was nothing but trouble. I'm getting sidetracked here so let me get back on track.
Soon after this Chuck was placed in the care of Jackie & Tom. Chuck was a drug baby in that Baby Mama was on drugs while pregnant. So this arrangement was in place for a few months - Lisa in school and Chuck being raised by Jackie & Tom. It was at this point Baby Mama can to live with Jackie & Tom due to a domestic violence issue.
Let me start with Baby Mama on my first impression was - how do I say this - set off my danger alarm. You know that feeling you get around meeting someone and you just know in the back of your head they are trying to play you from the word go and make it look like they are just being friendly? That is the best as I can describe it. I knew I needed to keep my distance and not to get involved in her drama. Oh and I need to say here she was pregnant.
Jackie & Tom really try hard to help Baby Mama out. Free place to stay, free food, and few rules. They even helped her get a car. At first things are going well.....then....things started to go down hill. Arguments would happen, Baby Mama was acting strange, and Archie was causing problems. Archie - that is Chuck's dad and the git who knocked up Baby Mama again. Archie was also the reason Baby Mama came to live with Jackie & Tom. Apparently Archie was abusive to Baby Mama ended up having a restraining order against him. Anyway Archie would be talking to Baby Mama on the phone all the time and at the time it was thought Archie was gas lighting Baby Mama. How wrong that thought was...(I'm getting ahead of myself here)
In May Baby Mama gave birth to Baby. At this time Jackie & Tom are making sure all the doctor appointments are done and proper care is provided. Baby Mama - how do I say this - is acting a bit strange. To put it simply - there are times where she is acting like the lights are on but nobody is home. Jackie & Tom are clueless on what this is. I personally witnessed one incident where Chuck (who is 20 months old at the time and walking) got out of the house and I found him in the street. By himself. Now we live in a cul-de-sac and the area is really quiet so nothing bad happened yet where was Baby Mama? She was down the street talking on her cell phone to Archie. I take Chuck and knock on the door to let Jackie know Chuck got outside. Jackie tells me Baby Mama was supposed to be watching him while she was bathing Baby. When Baby Mama comes back up the street I simply look at her and say "You f-ed up. Chuck was in the street just now." Baby Mama screams "Lisa was supposed to be watching him!" and runs inside. Well - there was a problem with that. Lisa was not home from school yet. (face palm)
In June there is a huge argument and Baby Mama moves out. She does a stealth move and takes Chuck and baby with her. Here is the kicker - she didn't tell Jackie & Tom she was going to do this. Just to put this into context - Chuck was taken away from her in the first place by child services due to her bad parenting. So as you can guess - the cops got involved and 3 weeks later Baby Mama was forced to return the children to Jackie & Tom. When the children were returned they were in the same clothes, both bleeding from diaper rash, and I kid you not - lost a 1/5 of their total body weight. Baby left weighing 15 lbs and came back at 12 lbs. Jackie took both children to the pediatrician and to her horror both kids were basically starved. There are two police officers present during this exchange and one of them is horrified at what she sees. Remember this officer for she comes back later in the story.
Now at this point Jackie & Tom have had enough of Baby Mama's antics and tells her in no uncertain words she is to come get her stuff. Does she do it? Nope. She was given 30 days too. So, Tom does some spring cleaning and all the stuff goes to the dump. I ended up with a guitar that is now being restored as well as a musical keyboard. Now you would think this would be the end of it. Not even close. In late August Jackie & Tom get served with a court notice Baby Mama and Archie are petitioning the court to get custody of the kids. I get asked to testify at the hearing for what I witnessed with Chuck in the street. Now I'm thinking at this time No F-ing Way Baby Mama can get her kids back.
On the day of court (Its early December by now) I had told my boss it should take maybe an hour or so and I will have to work remote that day. The hearing was scheduled at 9am and I'm thinking I would be back at work in a short bit.
I was so wrong on this.
We were in court from 9 am until 4:30 pm. During this hearing the judge orders both Archie and Baby Mama to have a drug test to be administered while we recess for lunch. Somehow Baby Mama passes the test. Archie gets past it also but the guy who conducted the test testifies the sample provided was cold. We ALL knew Archie fakes the test yet the judge could not prove it. I was stunned yet I had to look at it from a legal view - you have to prove he faked it. If you can't prove it, nada, nope, no $200. The judge then decides to order Archie to take a hair drug test - for those of you who don't know what this is - it is a test where they take a sample of hair from your head and test for drugs. You can't fake that test. Jackie & Tom even volunteer to pay the bill for the test which the judge is more than happy to agree to. That comes in real handy later in this story
At the end of the hearing the judge rules both Baby Mama and Archie will be granted visitation each Saturday and Sunday, 3 to 6 PM at Jackie & Tom's house. In the judge's ruling there is a very high bar on removing the kids from a parent and her hands were tied on this. Lets just say Jackie & Tom were not thrilled by this arrangement at all.
On the first Saturday of visitation things got ugly. Cops showed up, and I'm having to sit on my front porch filming with my phone while holding my pistol in my lap. I knew Archie was a convicted criminal who did a stint for armed robbery and was known to carry around large knives on his person. I wanted to make sure he didn't try to get cute with Tom if things got out of hand. I think me being on the porch saved Tom from being in a physical altercation with Archie.
On Sunday they show up and things go more smoothly. Here is the thing - after 20 minutes of being there BOTH Archie and Baby Mama pass out on the couch for about an hour while holding the kids. Tom described it to me as Archie was talking and just then stopped and passed out. Jackie was able to take a picture. I edited out the faces but it was just so odd both of them doing this so I thought I include this in.
https://i.imgur.com/hAs3ROZ.jpg
During the following week I'm talking to Jackie & Tom and they are highly concerned that they will lose the kids knowing the bar is really high on getting kids taken away from a parent. So - I start formulating a plan. Jackie tells me Baby Mama has a warrant out for her arrest in Richmond and I know that finding Baby Mama most of the time is about impossible. However - I know where she will be and when so this is where the revenge comes in. So far these two have cost me a day's pay, going to cost me a second day's pay for when we go to court again and they harmed two children. Now comes time to pay the piper.
I call the local police department and advise them of the outstanding warrant on Baby Mama, and where exactly she will be and when. When I speak to the officer - and as my luck would have it - its the same officer who was there during the exchange where Jackie & Tom got the kids back from Baby Mama. She knows exactly who I'm talking about and is really interested in catching Baby Mama. I also tell the officer of Archie and what to expect with the both of them. At that point Jackie got the drug test back and what do you know - Archie is a walking drug store. I took the time and texted the results of that test to the officer I was speaking to. Here are the results from that test.
https://i.imgur.com/hxqNRUX.jpg
On that Saturday at 3pm I'm at my vacation home so I don't get to witness what happens but I get the 411 from Jackie afterwords. The cops cordon off the neighborhood and then come to Jackie & Tom's house to get Baby Mama. Baby Mama finds out the cops are there and runs out the back door and into the woods. She gets away however from that point forward she never shows up again to visit her kids. Archie is only worried about her purse during all this (for their drugs were in it we find out later)
After a couple more weeks Archie stops showing up to see the kids. This drives Jackie & Tom crazy for they have to put their lives on hold each weekend just in case if Archie or Baby Mama shows up during the visitation time. Well, after 6 weeks we are in court again. Jackie & Tom had to subpoena the landlord of a house Baby Mama and Archie claimed they rented from and the landlord had never heard of them. To top it off Baby Mama is 3 hours late. When Baby Mama finally shows up she is right off the bat put in handcuffs. The judge at this point is really pissed off at both Archie and Baby Mama and says this: "you're [Baby Mama] going to jail and you [Archie] are so full of drugs that I'm surprised you are able to stand. You have done nothing but lie to the court, you have harmed two children repetitively, and both of them have permanent damage from the drugs you took while you were pregnant with them. I'm ordering that full custody be granted to Jackie & Tom and all rights and visitation be removed from Archie and Baby Mama."
Here is the oddest thing - Baby Mama didn't even get upset after this was said. WTF?
So, Baby Mama went to jail for several crimes, Archie just dropped off the radar and now the two kids are in a good home with good parents. Jackie & Tom are now looking to adopted both kids and even change their names.
Looking back on this it is clear that both Baby Mama and Archie are sociopaths and their only interest in the kids was the government check it gave them. Archie was also not upset at all. From a parent point of view -this is just beyond creepy.
Several months later - To this day Chuck has never spoken a word. We suspect Baby will have the same problem. They are both being sent to specialist to address their needs and I'm sure Jackie & Tomas will be great parents. I just got a pic of Chuck sleeping next to Tom. In Chuck and Baby's minds - Jackie and Tom are their parents. I'm thrilled that they were saved from those two horrible people. And the best part about all this - the ONLY way now that Baby Mama or Archie can get to even see the kids again is they have to prove they are fit parents. And we all know that will NEVER happen for it involves them having to prove to the courts they are. When you fail to take responsibility - others will do it for you and the result is ALWAYS unpleasant.
I'll update this if anymore antics from Archie or Baby Mama happens.
[1st Update 1 month later](https://www.reddit.com/r/ProRevenge/comments/bs28du/comment/eoiomyz/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
Thank you everyone for the kind words concerning Chuck and Baby. I thought I give an update on how my ProRevenge worked out.
Tom helped me take my car last night to a shop to drop off for repairs. When driving back to the house he fills me in on what is now happening with Archie and Baby Mama
Archie has been busted with schedule 1 controlled substances. He is also in year 3 of a 5 year probation period. Apparently he was dealing out of a camper and the cops were not pleased with him. He is looking at 10 years in prison along with the 5 years of probation being tacked on as prison time. Ouch!
Baby Mama is in jail again in Richmond city and nobody will bail her out. Apparently her drug lifestyle along with her failure to appear in court multiple times got the police very upset. From what I'm told with all the charges she is facing she is looking at a couple of years in jail.
With that being said the adoption process will kick off in August. Once done Tom and Jackie will be parents of the two kids and the druggy bio parents are no longer in the picture.
I'm also happy to report Chuck is now talking. He was also tested and thankfully has been found he has no brain damage as far as they can tell. We still don't yet know about Baby's brain and if she was harmed with Baby Mama's drug use.
>What happened to the girl? Lisa? She seems to have just stopped existing half way through that first post and you don’t mention her here either?
OOP answers [in this commment:](https://www.reddit.com/r/ProRevenge/comments/bs28du/update_to_when_you_refuse_to_take_responsibility/eoiomyz?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3)
She moved out of Tom's house and went to live with a lesbian couple who did foster care. I thought I put that in.
[3rd Update Dec 2022 [removed]](https://www.reddit.com/r/ProRevenge/comments/zkioh2/second_update_to_when_you_refuse_to_take/)
[3rd Update Dec 2022 [Recovered]](https://www.reveddit.com/v/ProRevenge/comments/zkioh2/second_update_to_when_you_refuse_to_take/)
I'm happy to report Chuck is now in school and the adoption for both Chuck and Baby are done. New names for the both of them, new SSNs, and they finally have health insurance covered through Tom's work. Chuck has been going to speech therapy, and can now speak well. Baby appears to not have suffered brain damage even though Baby mamma was doing drugs when pregnant with her.
Most evenings now after the kids get home from school all the neighbors and kids come outside and the kids will play together. There have been several families that all have kids so it has been great seeing them all playing & growing up together.
Last thing is I found out yesterday Archie O.D. and is now pushing up grass at the local grave yard. Baby Mamma is in jail for a several year term the last I have heard.
I'm thankful everything has worked out and the children now have a good home. | 2,870 | 2022-12-22T23:33:08 | A Foster Family & Their Neighbor Have To Fight To Keep Kids From Going Back To Abusive Parents - 3 Yr Update (ProRevenge) | CONCLUDED | KittenDealinMama | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zt0h9g/a_foster_family_their_neighbor_have_to_fight_to/ | false | false | [
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zt1z3l | [removed] | 2 | 2022-12-23T00:41:01 | OOP has Enough and says Hush When A Stranger Calls her husband and seems Obsessed, putting them in Fear that The Crush might become A Fatal Attraction. The Caller is a real Creep! | CONCLUDED | star_eater | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zt1z3l/oop_has_enough_and_says_hush_when_a_stranger/ | false | false | [
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zt2jpz | **I am NOT OP. Original post by u/bayhanoverians in r/amitheasshole**
---
&nbsp;
[**WIBTA if I still give my stepson the birthday gift I bought for him despite his mother asking me to hold it off for a month because she knows my gift my upstage hers and she wants to see him enjoy her gift first?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/cyadgx/wibta_if_i_still_give_my_stepson_the_birthday/) - 1 September 2019
My husband Joe and I have been married for a few years. He has a teenage son, Jack, with his ex-wife Kim. Joe and I have a great relationship with Jack, who lives with us half of the time, and we are civil with Kim.
For a couple of years now, Jack has been into a sport that I am also into, and last year he decided to train in that sport seriously. He has been doing very well so as a reward and to encourage him further I decided that for his birthday this month, I would buy him an important ‘equipment’ used in our sport. He has always wanted to own one himself and if things go well it will be with him for the next ten years so I know he will be very happy with it.
Yesterday Kim called me and told me what gift she will be getting Jack (we do this now to avoid getting him the same gift, which has happened before). I told her that I got Jack the equipment for our sport. She was quiet for a while and then asked me if I could get another gift for Jack’s birthday and just give him the equipment in October.
Kim said that she knows Jack will absolutely love my gift, so if he gets my gift and her gift at the same time, her gift will be upstaged by mine and all of Jack’s attention will be on my gift. She said she has been saving for Jack’s gift for a while so she would like to see him be happy and thrilled about her gift, and that is not likely to happen if Jack receives our gifts at the same time.
I understand where Kim is coming from, but to me it doesn't seem right to treat giving gifts to Jack as a competition for his attention or affections that we have to resort to ‘taking turns’. Why can’t we both give him our gifts and make him as happy as he could be on his birthday, a day that it supposed to be about him and not about us?
Verdict: NAH
&nbsp;
[**Update - WIBTA if I still give my stepson the birthday gift I bought for him despite his mother asking me to hold it off for a month because she knows my gift will upstage hers and she wants to see him enjoy her gift first?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/de46pf/update_wibta_if_i_still_give_my_stepson_the/) - 6 October 2019
Hi Reddit, just dropping by to give you an update to my post.
Jack celebrated his birthday in September, and as many of you suggested, I told him that I'm sorry but my gift for him was shipped late and would be arriving in two weeks. That way it didn't look like Kim made me do it, and the two of them had time to enjoy Kim's gift.
Kim thanked me for understanding her situation and said she is grateful that I was gracious about her request even though we don't have the best relationship. It's flattering to read that so many of you think that Joe and I are good people, but of course we aren't perfect and it took a lot of time for us to be in a civil place with Kim. It was humbling for Kim to ask me what she did and it also took a lot for me to let her have it. Hopefully this is the beginning of a better relationship for the three of us.
For those who are asking, I didn't put a lot of specific details in my post because I wanted to minimize the risk of being identified by someone I know in real life who might also be participating in this forum. But since a commenter in my original post already figured it out, yes, I bought Jack a horse. My family has a horse farm so 'where can you hide a horse for two weeks' is thankfully not a problem.
Jack already met his new partner last week and he is very happy with him!
Thank you all for your comments and I wish everyone the best.
&nbsp;
**Reminder - I am not the original poster.** | 11,568 | 2022-12-23T01:09:21 | WIBTA if I still give my stepson the birthday gift I bought for him despite his mother asking me to hold it off for a month because she knows my gift my upstage hers and she wants to see him enjoy her gift first? | REPOST | toohottooheavy | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zt2jpz/wibta_if_i_still_give_my_stepson_the_birthday/ | false | false | [
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zt6vx2 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T04:59:40 | AITA for yelling at my mom that I hate Harry Potter and to LET ME LIVE MY OWN LIFE | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zt6vx2/aita_for_yelling_at_my_mom_that_i_hate_harry/ | false | false | [
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zt6wp9 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T05:00:24 | AITA For Wanting to Bring My Boyfriend to my family’s Christmas Celebration? | ONGOING | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zt6wp9/aita_for_wanting_to_bring_my_boyfriend_to_my/ | false | false | [
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zt852v | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T06:13:11 | OOP's family pushes their fandom on everyone in their home and OOP is tired of it. | CONCLUDED | justathoughtfromme | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zt852v/oops_family_pushes_their_fandom_on_everyone_in/ | false | false | [
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zta1l0 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T08:14:36 | AITA for yelling at my mom that I hate Harry Potter and to LET ME LIVE MY OWN LIFE? + 1 year update. | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zta1l0/aita_for_yelling_at_my_mom_that_i_hate_harry/ | false | false | [
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ztcdx5 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T10:45:57 | My same sex cuddle buddy wants to try kissing to experiment and sort out our feelings (PART 1) | CONCLUDED | Bitech2 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztcdx5/my_same_sex_cuddle_buddy_wants_to_try_kissing_to/ | false | false | [
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ztcfo5 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T10:49:05 | My same sex cuddle buddy wants to try kissing to experiment and sort out our feelings (PART 2) | CONCLUDED | Bitech2 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztcfo5/my_same_sex_cuddle_buddy_wants_to_try_kissing_to/ | false | false | [
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ztf9y8 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T13:27:52 | Ethereum Name Service ($ENS) is Airdropping Tokens worth up to 5000$ for the first 1000 People To Claim it. | CONCLUDED | JacksoYang90_3265 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztf9y8/ethereum_name_service_ens_is_airdropping_tokens/ | false | false | [
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ztfmk1 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T13:40:35 | Ethereum Name Service's Token Airdrop is Now Live! | CONCLUDED | 0xhighseas_9019 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztfmk1/ethereum_name_services_token_airdrop_is_now_live/ | false | false | [
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ztfs5l | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T13:45:11 | Ethereum Name Service's Token Airdrop is Now Live! Worth up to $5000 | CONCLUDED | Jay_Scorpio_6179 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztfs5l/ethereum_name_services_token_airdrop_is_now_live/ | false | false | [
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ztfy51 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T13:49:53 | Ethereum Name Service's Token Airdrop is Now Live! Worth up to $5000! | CONCLUDED | arisedein_nft_5820 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztfy51/ethereum_name_services_token_airdrop_is_now_live/ | false | false | [
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ztg7n1 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T13:58:09 | Ethereum Name Service's Token Airdrop is Now Live! Worth up to $5000 | CONCLUDED | b3rn4ylz_4171 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztg7n1/ethereum_name_services_token_airdrop_is_now_live/ | false | false | [
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ztga05 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T13:59:38 | Ethereum Name Service's Token Airdrop is Now Live! Worth up to $5000! | CONCLUDED | Bruno_Sitta_5921 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztga05/ethereum_name_services_token_airdrop_is_now_live/ | false | false | [
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ztgsr3 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T14:20:55 | Ethereum Name Service's Token Airdrop is Now Live! Worth up to $5000! | CONCLUDED | JanisAlekse_8189 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztgsr3/ethereum_name_services_token_airdrop_is_now_live/ | false | false | [
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ztgxzx | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T14:23:52 | Ethereum Name Service's Token Airdrop is Now Live! Worth up to $5000! | CONCLUDED | Dripdrippy13_499 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztgxzx/ethereum_name_services_token_airdrop_is_now_live/ | false | false | [
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zthgfr | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T14:42:25 | Rolls Royce's new NFT collection is Live! 800 NFTs for the first 800 people! | CONCLUDED | TomTom71595834_8137 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zthgfr/rolls_royces_new_nft_collection_is_live_800_nfts/ | false | false | [
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zthlrn | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T14:45:23 | Rolls Royce's new NFT collection is Live! 800 NFTs for the first 800 people! | CONCLUDED | obiomaihuoma_6855 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zthlrn/rolls_royces_new_nft_collection_is_live_800_nfts/ | false | false | [
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zthsx5 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T14:49:34 | Rolls Royce's new NFT collection is Live! 800 NFTs for the first 800 people! | CONCLUDED | Dizzie_xyz_766 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zthsx5/rolls_royces_new_nft_collection_is_live_800_nfts/ | false | false | [
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zthzdf | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T14:53:30 | Rolls Royce's new NFT collection is Live! 800 NFTs for the first 800 people! | CONCLUDED | natisinhanat_2401 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zthzdf/rolls_royces_new_nft_collection_is_live_800_nfts/ | false | false | [
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zti5gs | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T14:57:20 | Rolls Royce's new NFT collection is Live! 800 NFTs for the first 800 people! | CONCLUDED | Moonboy08_3143 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zti5gs/rolls_royces_new_nft_collection_is_live_800_nfts/ | false | false | [
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zti7av | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T14:58:28 | Rolls Royce's new NFT collection is Live! 800 NFTs for the first 800 people! | CONCLUDED | denibulma_2505 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zti7av/rolls_royces_new_nft_collection_is_live_800_nfts/ | false | false | [
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ztiebx | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T15:02:33 | Rolls Royce's new NFT collection is Live! 800 NFTs for the first 800 people! | CONCLUDED | AlphaRA057_2682 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztiebx/rolls_royces_new_nft_collection_is_live_800_nfts/ | false | false | [
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ztioz0 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T15:10:29 | Rolls Royce's new NFT collection is Live! 800 NFTs for the first 800 people! | CONCLUDED | Easowong_8542 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztioz0/rolls_royces_new_nft_collection_is_live_800_nfts/ | false | false | [
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ztir5t | [removed] | 464 | 2022-12-23T15:12:00 | OOP catches his wife of 23 years in an affair, then enacts nuclear revenge on Christmas Day. Part I: Operation Shinobi-Ghost | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztir5t/oop_catches_his_wife_of_23_years_in_an_affair/ | false | false | [
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ztirbe | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T15:12:07 | Rolls Royce's new NFT collection is Live! 800 NFTs for the first 800 people! | CONCLUDED | tavvakila_8926 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztirbe/rolls_royces_new_nft_collection_is_live_800_nfts/ | false | false | [
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ztirra | [removed] | 0 | 2022-12-23T15:12:25 | OOP catches his wife of 23 years in an affair, then enacts nuclear revenge on Christmas Day. Part II: The Fallout | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztirra/oop_catches_his_wife_of_23_years_in_an_affair/ | false | false | [
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ztis0l | [removed] | 20 | 2022-12-23T15:12:36 | OOP catches his wife of 23 years in an affair, then enacts nuclear revenge on Christmas Day. Part III: Nuclear Winter | CONCLUDED | [deleted] | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztis0l/oop_catches_his_wife_of_23_years_in_an_affair/ | false | false | [
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ztiym9 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T15:17:08 | Rolls Royce's new NFT collection is Live! 800 NFTs for the first 800 people! | CONCLUDED | moumoujt_6140 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztiym9/rolls_royces_new_nft_collection_is_live_800_nfts/ | false | false | [
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ztj5ik | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T15:21:53 | Rolls Royce's new NFT collection is Live! 800 NFTs for the first 800 people! | CONCLUDED | RyanNewell2013_7893 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztj5ik/rolls_royces_new_nft_collection_is_live_800_nfts/ | false | false | [
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ztjbyg | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T15:27:29 | Rolls Royce's new NFT collection is Live! 800 NFTs for the first 800 people! | CONCLUDED | Jetzki2812_2626 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztjbyg/rolls_royces_new_nft_collection_is_live_800_nfts/ | false | false | [
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ztjfyd | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T15:30:24 | Rolls Royce's new NFT collection is Live! 800 NFTs for the first 800 people! | CONCLUDED | rockyxu__7750 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztjfyd/rolls_royces_new_nft_collection_is_live_800_nfts/ | false | false | [
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ztjmgh | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T15:35:12 | Rolls Royce's new NFT collection is Live! 800 NFTs for the first 800 people! | CONCLUDED | melissacookies6_4205 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztjmgh/rolls_royces_new_nft_collection_is_live_800_nfts/ | false | false | [
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ztk757 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T15:55:10 | Porsche's new NFT collection is Live! 1000 NFTs for the first 1000 people! | CONCLUDED | rmamusiccom_9032 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztk757/porsches_new_nft_collection_is_live_1000_nfts_for/ | false | false | [
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ztkaoo | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T15:57:18 | Porsche's new NFT collection is Live! 1000 NFTs for the first 1000 people! | CONCLUDED | saintkeko_5090 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztkaoo/porsches_new_nft_collection_is_live_1000_nfts_for/ | false | false | [
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ztks5x | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T16:09:55 | Ferrari's new NFT collection is Live! 800 NFTs for the first 800 people! | CONCLUDED | slopehits_8546 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztks5x/ferraris_new_nft_collection_is_live_800_nfts_for/ | false | false | [
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ztkv7a | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T16:12:07 | Rolls Royce's new NFT collection is Live! 800 NFTs for the first 800 people! | CONCLUDED | mferlynch_5856 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztkv7a/rolls_royces_new_nft_collection_is_live_800_nfts/ | false | false | [
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ztl4ap | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T16:19:02 | Balenciaga's new NFT collection is Live! 2022 NFTs for the first 2022 people! | CONCLUDED | tobias19950101_5507 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztl4ap/balenciagas_new_nft_collection_is_live_2022_nfts/ | false | false | [
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ztld13 | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T16:25:52 | Porsche's new NFT collection is Live! 1000 NFTs for the first 1000 people! | CONCLUDED | Deffiee__350 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztld13/porsches_new_nft_collection_is_live_1000_nfts_for/ | false | false | [
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ztlg9k | [removed] | 1 | 2022-12-23T16:28:34 | Balenciaga's new NFT collection is Live! 2022 NFTs for the first 2022 people! | CONCLUDED | Bell_King__7062 | /r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/ztlg9k/balenciagas_new_nft_collection_is_live_2022_nfts/ | false | false | [
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