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MFum47

From Wedneseve, April. 18. to Wedneseve, April. 25. 1655. A Little Mirth is better far than sordid grief and sorrow, and though some men may mourn today, they may rejoice tomorrow. The wonderful escape of the King of Scots at Burlington Bay, and his strange departure from the Lord Wilmot, who escaped to Worcester. The Imprisonment of Colonel Birch. Another great Fire happening in Southwark in Barnaby-Street, in a Brew-house, which burned about thirty houses beside. The French King's buying of 80 Men of War from Lubeck and Hamburg. Nine men that were in the late Plot or rising condemned at Exeter. A great fight between General Blake and the Turks at Salerno. GENTLEMEN, I am requested to make known unto you, That the late King's domestic Servants have joined themselves together to assist each other in a private Collection of Charity for their relief, that Piously disposed Persons suffer not themselves to be abused in their Charity by Wanderers and Deceivers, and pretenders of themselves to be the late King's Servants, and to prevent the abuses thereof, they have chosen Collectors for the future, to give their Accounts to three Worthy Persons of honest integrity, who will see the equal distribution thereof, which Collectors have their Testimonial in Writing, and are appointed to Collect by Box and Seal, the which Impression is in the Printed Papers. The last Night a Drawer being deeply read in the Mysteries of a Cellar in Thames street was taken at Bum-barrel by his Master, who hearing him a piercing his female Kilderkin, asked him him, What he was doing there in the Dark? Nothing Sir quoth he but stop a Bung-hole, and kept still to his work. The Women Ranters have this Week challenged the Quakers to go next May Day to Hornsey a Maying, stark-naked, their Brethren the Family of Love being to meet them at Holloway in the same manner, for the increase of their holy fraternity, that they may jug lovingly together, and bloom, and bring forth the sweet fruit of a new Sect that hath yet never been known nor practised in the City, that may by their Spiritual Gypsism delude the inconstant mad merry Lunatics of Great Bedlam, and Pump them, and drain them of their Coin, and so leave them with holy Bairn, that they may brag of the rising of the spirit in their wombs, and an apparition of the flesh rising between their legs, that may bring a thing into the world in likeness of a black man without a head, that may speak strange Doctrine without Book, and so scare all the old Gadarenes into their own lake, causing the Dogs to howl, the Cats to waul, the Cattle to roar, and the Women to scold, to the great admiration of all that shall behold the same. A wonderful great Eel was taken the last week by the Watch in Fleet-street River, being of such a wonderful length, that when the head was at Fleet-Bridge, the tail was at Temple Bar, many of the Watchmen did catch at it, but finding it to be but a wet Eel by the tail, they laid about them with their Bills very desperately, insomuch that after much bickering on both sides, the nimble Eel with her tail, and the drowsy Watchmen with their Bills, the poor Eel yielded to mercy; which was no sooner done, but a greater contention arose among them than ever did arise among the Wise men of Goatham how they should dispose of the Eel, one cried, hang him, another burn him, a third was of opinion that the best way was to drown him, but one descending of the City Bobbers, being more stomachful than the rest, devised a better way of broiling her, frying her, or seething her, which counsel was best liked of by them all, who had a great mind to fall upon her carcass, and to that end, they all fell to uncasing her, and embowelling her, which they had no sooner done, but they sold her Skin to make Colliers' sacks of; they inviting to eat her all the Nocturnal Moon-men, Watchmen, Bellmen and Nightwalkers, not so much as surreverence Tom T--s excepted, where they had plenty of strong Beer and Ale, and much merry chat, though to little purpose, Two Alley Birds in Slut Lane, will undertake strange Cures of the Black Jaundice, which cure they accidentally found out, by keeping their House so clean, that so great a number of Fleas bred therein, that their pitiful Husbands could not sleep for groping them out, and cracking them (for surety between their teeth) which made them perfectly cured of that Disease, whereby their wives finding the benefit of sluttery, have resolved never to sweep their Chambers for increase of Fleas for that Cure, one of these Sluts is to inhabit every Alley, to furnish the City with Vermin to cure their Diseases, whether white Jaundice, or black. A wishing Maid at Battersea, being last week attending upon a Company of Gentlemen in a Tavern, the Gentlemen espying a Horse with five legs about to corner a Mare, sent down the Maid to wash a glass at the Pump, where she espying the Horse so hard at that work which she desired, forgetting her Fingers turning about the inside of the glass, she broke it quite a two, whereupon, the Gentlemen pitying the Maid's loss, gathered three Pence apiece to pay for the Glass, which made the maid so pliable to them, that if they had had a mind to ride to Horsum, she would doubtless have passed her word for Horses for them, but the Gentlemen being bound for London, resolved not to make use of her Courtesy, having most of them Horseflesh of their own in the City, that they thought would pace better than those bastard Barbaries, There is at the Angel in Moor-fields a Lamb that hath Challenged the Turk to dance on the High Rope for a wager of Ten pound, the Lamb will stand on the Head, hang on each Horn, and by the tail, and go up on the Rope upon all four; this will doubtless put the Turk so to his trumps, that all his agility of body will do no good with the Lamb; which you may, if you please, see dance every day in the week; the Old Philosophers are of Opinion, That if it doth not endanger his neck by a fall, it will make him dance into another Country, Two Gentlemen and their Wives, going the Tuesday in Easter Week to see the Great Ship at Woolwich, but one of the She-Sailors, being afraid of the anchors, the Water being low, caused them at Common Stairs to tack about, and like Jasons, sail up Westminster Road to adventure for the Golden Fleece in King's-Street, where after a Collation, one of them became so lusty, that he had like to have run over the Vintner's Wife, had not the good man happily interposed, he being troubled with the pain in his head ever since, but having a fair Wind, they put in at Goring House Bay, where the Women landing in the Garden to hear the Nightingale sing, and to pick Daisies, or pluck a Rose, &c. whilst their Husbands were disputing with Bacchus so hotly, that the Women returning, and seeing them much wounded in the achievement, desired them to desist, and retreat home, but one of the men running atilt at his Neighbour's Wife, tumbled over a Chair, and fell backwards upon her, but being worse wounded with the fall, than with the Cup-shot in his brain, being let into Saint James's Park, got the wall of his side, to guide him round the Park; the other would turn Stargazer, for he scorned so much as to look on the ground all the way, but at length they all met, and going through Whitehall all the Soldiers on the Guard could not make these two men stand, yet they got Water, and so landing at Milford stairs, they both run away without paying the Waterman. A Gentleman having a fickle Mistress, sent her these verses following. A squirting Nightwalker going out on a Saturday late through Shoe-lane, to provide belly-timber against Sunday, by chance met a Fiddler's Wife at the Fox, which he thinking to be good flesh, thought he might have a good gain, but the great Louse in Southwark having formerly spawned in a deep ditch between Ham and Plasto, she was so plentifully stored with Crabs, and a certain land-fish called lice, that she stored him abundantly for three days after, before he could be clean; but this proving but snuffling Music, he jarring against one Puller of Art than himself, as not being able to compare with him in his way, much disparaged his abilities, whereupon, the young man, to try his judgement, painted a Picture by a servant of his (being a Turk's Head) which was given to one Clynt, that deals in old Pictures, who bringing it to this skilful Artist to sell, he took it for a choice Picture done by one Titian, a famous Painter, above 200. years ago, and brags it, To be both the glory and envy of the English Nation (like an ill Bird) bewraying his own nest, giving the glory of an Englishman to a stranger, and his own folly to the World; But this I conceive is the best of his qualities, except some off Don Quixote's Valour, which he shall have to encounter with a Windmill instead of a Picture, and content his F with Small Beer instead of Halfpenny Loaves, but the Dung-cart being a Giant, if not a Monster to him, made him retreat to Arundel, where he resides with glory, Till Fame records his future story; and then,

Mercurius Fumigosus, Issue 47

MFum38

From Wedneseve, Febru. 14. to Wedneseve, Febr. 21. 1655. A Whip, a Whip, the Devil rides a hunting through the Town; but Virtue patiently abides, and fears not hunting down. Another great Fire at Islington, near the Church, on Saturday Night last, where a Hayloft and a stable being burning, a young man adventuring to save some Horses, was burnt to death, A Gentleman that Lodged in Fleet-street where the great fire was but five days before, being in so great danger, that he was forced to run with his Breeches, a bag of Money, and a Box of Writings, which he was forced to let fall to save his life, were the last Monday at Night taken up under the rubbish, safe and sound, no fire having so much as touched them; a man being upon the ridge of a house, and to save himself, resolved to commit himself to the mercy of the stones, rather than the scorching flames, leaping five storeys down into the street, miraculously hung by a hole in his Coat upon the head of a Ladder, and so was wonderfully saved: Oh strange Providence! At Ratliffe the last week happened an exceeding strange Accident, where a Sea-mans Wife lying in, there came a seeming Gentleman all in black to speak with her, telling the Nurse, that his business much concerned her, who going up, told her Mistress, who willed her presently to let him come up (as if she understood his business, and desiring some visitants to withdraw from her into another Chamber, where a little while after, they hearing a great shriek, entered her Chamber, finding the man vanished, and the Woman lying torn in Pieces, with her head in one place, and her Quarters in another: This is generally reported for a certain truth; and methinks should be a great terror to Women, that never were more Proud or unfaithful to God or their Husbands, then in these ranting, roaring and most disloyal times, that the Devil is let loose to work mischief. Some Levellers and others lately apprehended and Committed to the Tower about a Plot to raise a new War; and involve the Nation afresh in blood. Four Regiments of Train-bands to be raised for defence of the City of London, and a proportionable Militia in the several Counties for the safety of the Nation. Gentlemen, There are at all times ready special Pills experienced for six pence apiece, to be taken two of them after the first sleep, about 3 or 4 of the Clock in the morning, which do purge away any Venomous quality that remains after the Smallpox, from the Head, Eyes or stomach, and takes away the noise in the Head and Ears, And doth work safely and speedily only downwards, not causing the Party to be sick at all, and will have done their working by 7 of the Clock in the morning, so that the Parties may go about their Occasions the next day where they please without any danger. By a Gentleman in King's Street in Covent Garden, at one Mr. Wells' House near the Church, next door to the sign of the Merchant-Tailor's Arms. ☞Gentlemen, There is a sheet newly extant, being the Pleasant and delightful Story of Damoetas & Clinias, or the Valiant Cowards, a Piece so rare, and so Nobly descended, that my praise rather adds a blemish to it, than a Lustre; therefore I refer it to your more candid Ingenuities; to be sold by John Crouch, dwelling in Gadds Alley in Cock-lane near Holburn Conduit. In blessed Bell-alley there happened not long since a most terrible Fray betwixt two great, little, tall short men, the one being a Weaver, and the other a small Ale-seller; The occasion was this, The Weaver coming into the Ale-seller's house, and throwing his Shuttle too hard against the Ale-seller's White pot, it wanting strength to withstand the force of the Shuttle, fell into dissolution, which the Ale-seller seeing, no other satisfaction would content him, but his Pot again, though it were broken, which the Weaver perceiving, wisely withdrew himself till the next morning, and then next his heart, sent him a most dreadful Challenge in these words following, My little Ale-man seeing a Challenge, contrary to Order, makes presently to a Gentleman of quality, not having either courage enough, nor ability to read it himself, But the Gentleman (willing to make Peace) engaged to take up the business; which the little ale-man considering of, would by no means take his Counsel, but took it from him, and went to better Friends, who counselled him to return the Challenge again, and stand to Arbitration, which he did, and had given him in Damages for his Pot, one Penny, half-penny. A Temple Lawyer the last week going to the Devil Tavern at Temple-bar, left these words written in a Paper, and stuck in the Keyhole of his Chamber Door, I am gone to the DEVIL. Which note a simple Country man (that came to speak with him) seeing, took it out, and going downstairs, he meeting a Man, desired him to read the note, who did, and told him, He was gone to the Devil : Faith Zur, quoth the Country man, it had been well for me, if he had gone to the Devil seven year ago, Then I should have kept my Estate to this day; and so went grumbling away. The Weepers and the Mumpers met together this Week at Beggars' Bush, about choosing a King of the Beggars; many canting Laws and Orders were read among them in the Gusman Language, the weepers pleading their Gentility in that they often ride a begging, and so are not so liable to the Statute against Rogues and Vagrants as the Mumpers are, who beg afoot; great pity it is they are not made exemplary to Justice for abusing Charity, many of them being able in Estate, and so glutted with Epicurism that they appear more like fat Burgers than lean Beggars; they beg with printed Bills, calling themselves The late King's servants Two rank Riders, the one being a low Highlander that hath often been thrown out of the Saddle by a Strong-Docked Mare, the other an understanding man of Goatham, and ningle to a wise man, both pitiful Porters at Fleet-street Conduit, the one preferred the other to ride a Gentleman's Horse to Nonesuch Lodge, about 13 miles off, for which his Wages amounted to the Sum of 3. s. but being afraid to ride, he thought it the safest to lead him all the way in his hand, running a Dog-trot himself before him, which so shook his brains, that what with the weight of his Horns, and the fear of stumbling before the Horse, made him for the present slink his wit, that he left the Horse at Combe Lodge instead of Nonesuch, which the Gentleman understanding, and being in a rage, the wise man (though illiterate) to appease his wrath, would needs break a Commandment, and go the next day following, which was Sunday, and for haste lost his Bible at Christchurch, but accidentally found the Horse again. Two longing Virgins going the other day to Gravesend in pursuit of their Sweethearts, who like two unkind wretches had forsaken them to go beyond Sea; but finding them gone, and their Money growing short, they resolved if they could to pawn their Maidenheads for a Lodging, and to that purpose picked up two Sea-dicks, who being not well acquainted with the honest Houses of that Town, they were circumvented of their purpose, and forced to drop their Dicks, and pawn a black Scarf instead of other Commodities, which made the longing Lasses so hardly put to't, that coming home in the Tilt-Boat, they were forced to entreat a Waterman to go home with them for his Pay, which being done, they are now so destitute for want of their lost loves, that every day since they came home, they walk out hand in hand like two disconsolate Virgins to seek Mandrakes to help them to make perfect what their Sweethearts have left behind, their concupiscence being so predominant in the House of Venus, that being playing a game at Rats upon a bed, a young man hearing the bed tell tales, stepping softly to the door, discovered the Jig, and so returned, much pitying the extremities poor female mortals are driven unto by the unkindness of men, Two valiant Women are next Monday to fight a Duel on Bun-Hill, about their Honesties, they have each of them a friend to be their Seconds, and are armed from the girdle upward with honesty, and downward with changeable silk, called Stand further off; they are Mounted upon two great Chameleons, one of them being about the bigness of the lame Camel that was shown up and down the streets for a welsh Dromedary that speaks backward, and dungs forward, and stales through the Nose; the Women are to have two Looking-glasses for their Shields, and Monkeys to wait on them in scotch Liveries; they are first to fight with wafer Pistols, charged Powder-sugar Plums made into Bullets; and she that conquers the other, is to have a Horn blown before her quite through the Artillery garden into Old-street, and there to instruct the Button-makers in martial Discipline, that they may be able to raise arms, and buckle a touch with any that shall be so hardy as to encounter them. A young She-Ranter near the Red Cow in Shoe-lane in her Master and Mistress's absence, invited a company of young men to a Nocturnal Exercise, and being in mind to wear away the Night in jollity and merriment, got one of them (the better to save their Purses) to conjure open the Cellar Door, and so raised up about two dozen of Bottles of Strong Ale which so Elevated their wits, that the Rant grew so high between them in singing, roaring & tearing the ground, that all the Neighbours (not being used to hear any such Revel in that place) were much amazed; but this Exercise being performed with two fructifying Capons, and a Couple of Conies (besides her own) made the Spirit to yield so much to the Flesh, that asking Quarter, it yielded to her mercy, notwithstanding the the many inconveniences to the contrary; for the honest Neighbours knocking, to understand the business, she opened against them calling them all Whores, Rogues and Rascals that durst be so bold, or at least saucy, as to desire to know what she and her Nocturnal Congregation did there.

Mercurius Fumigosus, Issue 38

MFum56

From Wedneseve, June 13. to Wedneseve, June. 20. 1655. The happy Life the Country yields, makes me enamoured on the fruitful fields. The Diurnal NEWS, The great care of the Lord Protector and His Council about Regulating the Courts of Justice, for the greater good and ease of the People, who have much suffered through tedious Delays, and Extortionate Fees of corrupt Lawyers, Knavish Attorneys [Guild-Hall Horse-leeches] Solicitors, Sergeants, Bailiffs, Bums, Varlets, and other Caterpillars and Catch-poles, the true sons of their Father the Devil, that care not who losses so themselves may get; their Art being so to fish in troubled waters, that they care not who, nor how many they beggar and undo, so they get all; leaving their poor Clients as bare as a Bird's tail; whilst they Guzzle down Sack, cram their ungodly guts with Capons, and snore in Beds of Down; wearing silks and Velvets every day, having no more honesty than Guzman, nor language than Balaam's Ass, unless an Angel appear to unloose their tongues, or a Bribe to rectify their judgements; but I hope their long tails will be pared, their Extortion curbed, and their large Consciences confined; which will be gladsome News to the poor People; who now groan under the burden of their oppression, until they find deliverance. Mr. Palmer the Counsellor, the L. Newport, Mr. Newport, Mr. Seymour committed to the Tower, sir Frederick Cornwallis to S. James's, the Earl of Lindsey, and Lord Lovelace to Bandbury, and divers other Gentlemen sent away Prisoners to other Places. General Blake being now upon a Capitulation with the Turks, and General Pen now in quest of his Expedition. If any young Preachers want any new Sermons, let them repair to Clerkenwell, and there inquire for Parson John Addams: who hath Manuscripts of his own making, that by his Directions may be instructed how to confute Errors 40 years past, and 400 years to come, provided that they be such men imbued with natural gifts, and well approved by the natural Foolosophers of great Bedlam; these Books to be had at an easy rate. An ambling Bumkin the other day (for want of these Manuscripts) being to preach on Jonah's being swallowed by the Whale, said that Jonas was swallowed by the Quail; which one man in the Congregation taking notice of, objected against him, that he taught false Doctrine; the Whale being a fish, and the Quail a Bird; Away thou Coxcomb replied the Parson, Is it not the greater Wonder? and therefore may get the greater credit or belief; but the Objector being a City Bobber, the result of this business was referred to one of Pythagoras his Wild geese, who is to give his judgement concerning the same. A She-Sinner being on Monday night last taken abed between two men in Pie-corner, as the Watch went round, she being a Jade, that went to horse, was conveniently carted to Bridewell in the Parish Wheelbarrow, the honest Constable smelling this business out by his Watch, just when the hand of the Dial stood upon the prick of one, though two, did watch which should most evil do; the poor Jade thus taken napping out of hope, was strongly guarded, but first bound with Rope. That there was an old Pie-woman come out of Bloomsbury to view those Houses (that my last Week's Nocturnal mentioned) but seeing them so slenderly built, she railed against the owner thereof; and said, That they were not Houses fit for her occupation, for (said she) I have such coltish Jades, that if once a stone horse come amongst them, they will so kick and fling, that they will beat the Houses about their ears; not long after came by a Cockney in Cuckolds' Row near Cursed whores' Alley in the Parish of Bankrouts, that had been to look Cuckoos' Nests, and seeing these houses, supposed them to be Pies' Nests, and climbed up into every one of them; but coming down again, at the bottom he found a she Bear laying of Mare's Eggs, which he thinking to have sucked, encountered the She Bear and threw her on her back, but she so enclosed him with her Paws, that she made all the marrow in his back to fly out of his Codpiece: But in the meantime came an Old Pie that was building in the Land of nod, and flew away with these Houses to make up her Nest, but yet she wants more sticks; The man hath sent Hue and Cry after her, but he could never hear of his Houses: but since, he is building more in the same place, he having not only hired his next neighbours, but hath summoned in all the rest of the Cuckolds thereabouts to help to guard his Houses for fear of these Pies coming again; those with the longest Horns are to be set on the top with crackers in their hands, the other are to be in the middle with Guns and Muskets; he hath likewise cast Ropes cross the House, and hath hired all the Cripples in Lincoln's Inn Fields, to hang on each side the House, to keep it down; Likewise all the blind men in Towne are to stand on top of Paul's Steeple to watch for the Pies coming, and upon the first sight, they are to send to the Lions in the Tower, and to all the madmen in Bedlam, and to all the Scolds in Town to make a noise. The Harlotry Alewives of this place, finding the generation of Swine to decrease in Rumford Market, have sent their Husbands to Market to horn Church and Burnt-Wood to buy up 300. legs of Veal to boil for Gammons of Bacon, and all the Calves' Chauldrons of that Country to make Mutton-Custards to feast all the mad merry Moon-men against Midsummer, all the Tub-women and Tub-men are invited to this feast, where at the full of the Moon, they hope to have a Spiritual Revelation opened unto them in the Spittle, that the Saints in Petticoat Lane may receive the gift of holding forth according to Knowledge, without humming, hawing, spitting, scratching, or wiping the sweat from under their Ears, and for prevention of Tautologies, Repetitions, Toaning and Snuffling, as well as Nonsense, they are to have a Dish of Calves' Tongues to make them understand the right lingo, and speak true English, without being scoffed at by humane Philosophers, who would Monopolise Interpretations and Explanations of Truth by their Latin learning, and Experimental Knowledge (as they call it) and so as it were despise our Illuminations and Simplicity in Spirit; though an inspired Bellows-maker may doe more then they can by humane Principles. Since the Parliament of She Commons, the Women stand so highly on their Privileges, that not long since, one at Cow Cross, so beladelled her Husband, that the pitiful Cuckold down before her on all four, asking her forgiveness before all his Neighbours, promising never to offend her more; another, being no man (because a Tailor) in the County of Cloth Fair, having promised two Lasses each of them a new Petticoat for a Knocking, his Wife hearing thereof, and threatening him; the poor fellow down on his knees to her; praying her to forgive him, promising her by many Oaths and Imprecations, that he would never come in any Woman's company again, nor know any other Woman but herself so long as he lived, but honour and obey her in all things, whereupon she offering him the skirt of her Smock, he humbly kissed it, thereby swearing to confirm truly what he had formerly promised to perform. Neither are City Dames become thus rampant over their Husbands, but the Country are as ambitious of rule, as you may understand by this Libel flung amongst the Citizens of Barnet and Hadly, which you shall have verbatim, as it came by the last Packet Barge. O yes, O yes, O yes. If any man or Woman in Town, Country or City, can tell any tale or tidings of one Mrs. Quiet, lately run from her Husband (imagined to be turned Quaker) let them bring word to Mrs. Twittle Twattle at the Mouth at Aldersgate, and they shall have a Juniper Psalm, & three fillips on the Nose for their pains. SIR, Since my Last of May 30. wherein I told you of a Ram to be eaten by the Head-men of that Town by those that would be masters over their Wives, the Town being so far distant from London, that the Supplies sent by the She-Commons, could not come soon enough, the Women by the assistance of a Posse Commitatus, got the Ram and ate him, which made them so far in love with that Diet, that they since have procured a Ram Lamb, which they cooked and ate amongst themselves, with great Bravadoes against their Husbands, who (poor men) durst not so much as claim one bit; Some Dispute there was about Paying Tithes at their Meeting; but that Business was waived by reason of Turning the Crown and the Bull into Roast Beef and Gooseberry Tart; the truth is, the Ram had no horns, else one of the good men might have lost both his Little-Eyes, howsoever the younger Sister played fair for the Stones, and took a great content in the handling of them, the Women are grown so lusty since this Business, that their Husbands dare not speak crossly to them, but their Answer is presently, Ram, some say this Ram came from the Isle of Rhodes, which indeed was upon that Account terribly stormed, and had almost been taken, had not the Women supplied it with Powder, and so after two days' storm, the assailants turned tail, and all was quiet.

Mercurius Fumigosus, Issue 56