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"A very wealthy man from Britain has purchased the Bates Motel.... Now it is Master Bates Motel.. I haven't had my coffee yet, this is the best I got" |
"A man is chasing a talking emu... The Emu is taunting him, saying ""you can't catch me! I can run at 80 km/h, you can only manage 20!"" to which the the man replies ""You can run but you can't fly!""" |
"What do you call it when ISIS soldiers run for cover? 100 meter Daesh" |
"Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish. The results speak for themselves." |
"Can't we just sit and drink somewhere until they build a bar around us?" |
"What's it called when the bottom half of a fraction has loads of cake in it? A denom-nom-nominator!" |
"What's the worst part of an NFL wedding? Getting knocked out by the Rice." |
"Why is chess confusing in Australia? ""That's check, mate.""" |
"A husband says to his wife: ""I hate to tell you this but your swimming costume is very tight and revealing."" ""Wear your own one then!""" |
"-""What should we call our band?"" -Ponies! -Dude, we're a heavy metal band. -Satanic ponies!" |
"You know what the first sign of AIDS is, right? A severe pounding in the ass..." |
"The best thing about women is how they can tell you what you really mean when you say something..." |
"Evolution: True science fiction." |
"A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don't worry; I yelled ""I'm taken,"" and ran into the men's bathroom where she can't follow." |
"This may sound like a rape joke if you ask me Oh wait you don't have to." |
"Pix and Misc - Teacher win [pic]" |
"A pen and a pencil race. Who won? The Pencil. He lead from start to finish." |
"whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he's taking a pretty nasty shit in there." |
"Why did the cow win a Nobel Prize? Because he was out standing in his field." |
"It's hurts for me to say this... But I have a sore throat." |
"Why was the dolphin so upset with the attendance of his drunken kegger? It lacked porpoise." |
"If you roll out your chapstick more than an inch, I'll see you in court." |
"""we're broke? how is that possible?"" (extremely high pitched voice) no idea ""did you-"" *opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*" |
"How does a virgin pop her cherry? by using a bottle opener" |
"What is time consuming? Eating a watch. . . . . Note: This is not my joke, credit goes to /u/Cokenut, and /u/Fluffy8x for setting him up." |
"Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers." |
"Knock knock. This may not be This may not be a funny joke." |
"Throwing Viagra in the milk so Santa has a hard time getting back up the chimney. Use a front door like everyone else asshole!" |
"What's something a kangaroo has that no other animal has? Baby kangaroos." |
"America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy's capital." |
"I bet the best massage in the world is getting attacked by a toothless shark." |
"Got an IPad from my chinese friend... Nothing beats homemade gifts." |
"What's worse than dropping your ice cream? The Holocaust." |
"Did you hear Miley Cyrus got a new job? Coworkers say she has an excellent Twerk ethic" |
"After sex last night... ...my new girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said, ""You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had"". Apparently ""Ditto"" is not the right response." |
"You're either a dog person or a non person." |
"What's the worst part about being a pedophile? Getting the blood stains out of your clown costume." |
"I was disappointed after I won the grand prize on the game show last night. It was for a year supply of calendars." |
"What would an employee only entrance to a brothel be called in Westeros? A Hodor..." |
"Why don't Mexicans have BBQs? Because the beans keep falling through the grill." |
"Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they'll eventually go away." |
"My partner left me because of my pasta feeling fetish I'm feeling cannelloni right now..." |
"What does an amoeba call its friend? Cell mate." |
"I hate having sex with my partner while we're camping... It's two fucking in tents." |
"Man comes running in the door at home all excited. ""Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery"" she asks ""should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"" I don't care. Just get the fuck out." |
"I am 51 and my girlfriend is 8 Months pregnant and I'm starting to panic a little. Do you think I am too old to be a dad?" |
"What do you call it when a stripper works for free? Pro boner" |
"to my beautiful son i leave a wealth of valuable golden coins, sprinkled throughout super mario 3d world, redeemable for extra in-game lives" |
"Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!" |
"Why did the terrorist's post make it to the front page of reddit? Because it blew up." |
"""Smoking breaks"" at work should be deducted from annually leave. We all have addictions, you don't see me leave a meeting to fry plantain" |
"I was so happy to hear Apple added a new camera feature.. With the addition of panorama I can finally send dick pics to my ex wife!!" |
"North Korea claims that they detonated an H Bomb Kim Jong-un? More like Kim Jong-**BOOM**" |
"What happens when you are banned on a muslim server? you are turbanned" |
"What do you get if you share your Earbuds with all your friends? Hearing AIDS." |
"Feeling sick at work. Subway to the bus-$5 Bus to commuter lot-$2 Puking in my car-$0 Guy in the car next to me puking in response-priceless" |
"I want my group project members to lower me into my grave.... ... So that they can let me down one last time." |
"Long, satanic walks on the beach." |
"in mexico, we don't say ""I love you"" cause we dont speak english." |
"How did the explorer react when the which doctor turned him into a miniature ballsack? He was a little testie! Bump dump pshhh!" |
"What is Harry Potters favorite way to get down a hill? Walking (punchline in comments)" |
"What is God's favorite guitar chord? Gsus" |
"You know what I love about people who buy followers? I can laugh at their expense." |
"*Gets 500 word angry text from ex *responds, you mad bro?" |
"When you think about it , zombies are fixed humans . You just turn them off and on ." |
"I really hope I don't wake up tomorrow morning. I don't want to die, sometime in the afternoon would be nice, or even the next day" |
"Amish girl Do you know why the amish girl was excommunicated? Two mennonite" |
"What did the corn say when it was complemented? Aww, shucks!" |
"My dad posted a picture of his ""Condom challenge fail"" It was a picture of me" |
"Don't trust people that are constipated They're full of shit" |
"Last night I met the girl of my dreams... Then I woke up." |
"You deserve a handjob from Edward Scissorhands." |
"Girls at parties are like parking spaces, if you're late all the good ones are gone, So when nobody's looking you stick it in the disabled one...." |
"What do you call a train that eats too much? A chew-chew train" |
"What game do monsters play with humans? Squash." |
"Why do blondes prefer the pill instead the condom? Because it's waaay easier to swallow" |
"How do you get last place in the Rio jokes olympics. You tell a Rio bad joke." |
"I hate barbers more than doctors Because I have to live with the shit that one does." |
"Stephen Hawking calculates the properties of the universe from a wheelchair and I'm googling how to get paid without leaving my house" |
"A fat man complained to a doctor that obesity runs in the family The doctor replied: It's not obesity that runs in the family, it's that no one runs in your family." |
"What is Trump's favorite disney movie? Wall-E" |
"Every time a famous music composer dies... ... he starts decomposing." |
"""Girl, your rhinestone encrusted flip phone tricked me into thinking you were a princess!"" - No one ever" |
"Why was the cupcake so scared of the bong? Because the bong threatened to get him baked." |
"No pants were worn during the making of this tweet." |
"I could retire today and live happily for the rest of my life.... so long as I die by noon, thursday." |
"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography. Homophobia is God's way of teaching us the names of Republican governors." |
"Why did the Tour de France get raided? The police heard it was full of pedal-philes." |
"Man marries deaf girl He writes ""we must work out a code: If I want sex I'll stroke ur left breast-U reply by pulling my penis ONCE for YES OR 62 times for NO!" |
"I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. " |
"Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I'm eating." |
"Now that it is 2015 we should all really be on the lookout for Marty Mcfly. If it is only to forewarn him to invest heavily in Parkinsons research on his return to 1985." |
"A sign in the Zoo: Please, do no throw bananas in the dolphins' pool! 1. The dolphins do not eat bananas. 2. By now 3 monkeys have drowned. Thanks for understanding." |
"Why are toilet tasks called ONE and TWO? Because TWO rhymes with POO" |
"What's a Latino pornstar's favorite flavor profile? Umami. (Ooooooooh, mami.)" |
"I feel like I second guess myself too much. But then again I'm not really sure." |
"Q: How can you tell someone is a true music lover? A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole." |
"""Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!"" - literally no one ever" |
"What is the sun's favourite kind of food? Sol food" |
"Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider? A: ""Life is like a box of chocolates..."" (Source: F. Gump of Intel)" |