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training_data_v2

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"Fuck, you're old."

"Ha! Fake laugh, hiding real pain. Go get silver balls."

"You guys going for a bite? Early bird special?"

"Oh, like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. No, you know that bad guy that you let go? He's got my girl. You're gonna help me get her back."

"Wade, is that you?"

"It's me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse! I'm gonna wait out here, okay? Big house. It's funny that we only ever see two of you. It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another x-man. And that is why, in my opinion, the movie cocoon is pure pornography."

"Who brought this twinkly man?"

"Twinkly, but deadly. My chrome-penised friend back there has agreed to do me this solid. In exchange, I told him I would consider joining his boy band."

"It's not boy band."

"Sure it's not. Ah! So, any luck winning Gita back?"

"I tried to Mr. Pool, but Bantu is more craftier and handsomer than me."

"Well, I think you're pretty darn cute. Dopinder."

"Hmm?"

"What was that?"

"Oh! I presume a crisp high five?"

"For you? Ten! Okay guys, let's get out there and make a difference! (You know what to do)."

"Knock 'em dead, pool boy!"

"Time to make the chimi fucking changas. Not often a dude ruins your face, wall stomps your sanity, grabs your future baby-momma, and personally sees to four of your five shittiest moments. Let's just say, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas."

"Bantu?"

"God damn it! I'm gonna do this the old fashioned way. With two swords and maximum effort. Cue the music."

"Wade Wilson! What's my name?"

"Ooh, I'mma fucking spell it out for you."

"Go get some."

"Superhero landing, she's gonna do a superhero landing, wait for it! Woo! Superhero landing. You know, that's really hard on your knees. Totally impractical. They all do it. You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis. That's why I brought him."

"I'd prefer not to hit a woman, so please, pla -"

"I mean... That's why I brought her? Oh, no, finish your tweet. Just give us a second. There you go, hashtag it. Go get her tiger. Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex."

"Alright then. Fire!"

"Finish fucking her the fuck up!"

"Language, please!"

"Suck a cock! Look away, child. Look away! Wait! Wait! Hey, you only work for that shit spackled muffin fart! So, I'mma give y'all a chance to lay down your firearms, in exchange for preferential, borderline gentle, possibly lover-like treatment. Fine! Commando. Bob?"

"Wade?"

"Oh, my God, I haven't seen you since -"

"Jacksonville. TGI Friday's."

"TGI Friday's! What the hell! Come here you. How are the kids? Good? And Gale, she still fixing that tuna casserole? So good. Bad for the waistline if you know what I mean."

"Does he write you notes too? He's such a romantic."

"Don't worry, baby. I'm coming."

"Hey! Climb on."

"Motherfucker should have worn his brown pants. You're right, beautiful! Red really is my color."

"Wade?"

"Don't worry, baby. I'm gonna get you out of that shitbox."

"What better way to get inside that head of yours."

"Oh, you never left."

"Ah, take a deep breath darling. Oh wait, wrong choice of words."

"I hope they've blocked pain to your every last nerve, 'cause I'mma go looking!"

"You grow back body parts now, Wade? When I'm finished, parts'll have to grow back you."

"Good one. Yeah, that was a good one. Let's dance. And by dance, I mean let's try to kill each other."

"Fine, fists."

"Sounds like your last Saturday night."

"Wade!"

"I got you, baby. I got a plan, but you're not gonna like it. Don't worry, I'm totally on top of this. Damn it! Maximum effort!"

"Just take it slow."

"Yoo-hoo! Oh, my God, that was so awe - There are no words... Me and you... Are headed to fix this butterface."

"What? You stupid fucking idiot. Did you really think there was a cure for that?"

"What?"

"You heard me."

"No, no! So you mean to say, after all this, you cant fix me."

"It sounds a bit stupider when you say it"

"Like the kind of stupid who admits he can't do the one thing I'm keeping him alive for? Any last words?"

"What's my name?"

"Who fucking cares?"

"Wade! Four or five moments."

"I'm sorry?"

"Four or five moments. That's all it takes."

"To...?"

"Be a hero. Everyone thinks it's a full-time job. Wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero, go to work a hero. Not true! Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments that really matter. Moments when you're offered a choice. To make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend. Spare an enemy. In these moments, everything else falls away. The way the world sees us, the way we - Why?"

"You were droning on! Sure, I may be stuck looking like pepperoni flatbread, but at least fuckface won't heal from that. If wearing superhero tights means sparing psychopaths, then maybe I wasn't meant to wear 'em. Not everyone monitors a hall like you."

"Just promise -"

"Yeah, yeah, I'll be on the lookout for the next four moments. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just a boy about to stand in front of a girl. And tell her... What the fuck am I going to tell her?"

"Well, heh, you better figure it out."

"I can't even tell you - I deserve that. That too. No, no, no, no, maybe not the nethers."

"Start talking!"

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. For everything. I'm sorry for leaving, I'm sorry for not cowboying up sooner. It's been a rough couple of years."

"Rough?"

"I live in a crack house. With a family of 12. Every night we spoon for warmth. Everyone fights for Noelle, she's the fattest. There's nothing that we don't share. Floorspace, dental floss, even condoms."

"So you live in a house?"

"I should have come and found you sooner. But baby, the guy under this mask, he ain't the same one you remember."

"You mean this mask?"

"And this one. And this one. In case the other fell off. Just, yeah, ow, like a bandaid, just give it a good - Audi 5000! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. Wow."

"Yeah."

"Hey, after a brief adjustment period, and a bunch of drinks, it's a face I'd be happy to sit on."

"I'm not the same underneath this suit either. Super penis."

"Come on Wade, language. Young one is present."

"What are... What are you still doing here? Get out of here, go make yourself useful! You, go be a really big brother to someone. Tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn. And you, chicken noodle, nothing compares to you. Sinead O'Connor, 1990."

"That's alright. You're cool."

"What in the ass! That was not mean! I'm proud of you."

"We will make an x-man of you yet, Wade."

"You know, for a second there, it felt like we were three mini lion robots coming together to form one super robot."

"There's the stupid."

"Yeah. And now, for the moment I've all been waiting for."

"Come here."

"Wham! As promised. (Narrating) See? You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl. The right girl will bring out the hero in you. Now, let's finish this epic wide shot, pull out, there we go, looks nice, it's gonna be the only thing pulling out tonight. Who doesn't love a happy ending? Till next time, this is your friendly neighborhood pool guy, saying, I'm never gonna dance again, the way I dance with you... You're still here? It's over, go home. Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. What, are you expecting Sam Jackson to show up, with an eye patch and a saucy little leather number? Go home! Oh! But I can tell you one thing, and it's a bit of a secret: We're gonna have Cable. Amazing character, mechanic arm, time travel. We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet, but it could be anybody. Just need a big guy with a flat top. Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren, Keira Knightley. She's got range, who knows. Big secret. Shh. Oh, and don't leave your garbage lying around. It's a total dick move. Chicka-chicka."

"What, Rick? What’s going on?"

"I got a surprise for you, Morty."

"It's the middle of the night. What are you talking about?"

"Come on, I got a surprise for you. Come on, hurry up."

"Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard!"

"We gotta go, gotta get outta here, come on. Got a surprise for you Morty."

"We gotta go, gotta get outta here, come on. Got a surprise for you Morty."

"What do you think of this... flying vehicle, Morty? I built it outta stuff I found in the garage."

"Yeah, Rick... I-it's great. Is this the surprise?"

"Morty. I had to... I had to do it. I had— I had to— I had to make a bomb, Morty. I had to create a bomb."

"What?! A bomb?!"

"We're gonna drop it down there just get a whole fresh start, Morty. Create a whole fresh start."

"T-t-that's absolutely crazy!"

"Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica."

"Jessica? From my math class?"

"When I drop the bomb you know, I want you to have somebody, you know? I want you to have the thing. I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam."

"Ohh..."

"And Jessica's gonna be Eve."

"Whhhh-wha?"

"And so that's the surprise, Morty."

"No, you can't! Jessica doesn't even know I exist! But—but, but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity!"

"I-I get what you're trying to say, Morty. Listen, I'm not... You don't got... Y-you don’t gotta worry about me trying to fool around with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything. I'm not that kind of guy, Morty."

"What are you talking about, Rick?"

"You-you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything. Sh-sh-she— she, she, she's all for you, Morty."

"I don't care about Jessica! Y-Yyyyyyyyyyou—"

"You know what, Morty? You're right. Let's forget the girl altogether. She, she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways."

"That's it... that's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel."

"Get off of me, Morty!"

"I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy! I'm put—I’m, I'm, I'm, I'm puttin’... I-I’m, I’m, I’m not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb... dumb person and just le-let you ruin the whole world!"

"Come on! What’s gotten into you? If you love Earth so much why don’t you marry it? What are you, crazy? Alright, alright, Morty."

"Come on! What’s gotten into you? If you love Earth so much why don’t you marry it? What are you, crazy? Alright, alright, Morty."

"Alright. I'll-I'll land. I'll land. I'll land. I'll land the thing. I’ll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden."

"Alright. I'll-I'll land. I'll land. I'll land. I'll land the thing. I’ll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden."

"We'll park it right here, Morty. Right here on the side of the ree... road here."

"Oh, thank god."

"You know what? That was all a test, Morty. Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive."

"It was?"

"Sure. Why not? I don’t, I don't know. Y-you know what, Mo—"

"Dad?"

"What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time?"

"Oh my god, my parents are so loud, I want to die."

"Mm, there is no God, Summer. You gotta rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later."

"Okay, with all due respect, Rick— what am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept Sci-Fi rigamarole?"

"Listen, Jerry. I-I-I don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world. You're a real Julius Caesar but I'll tell you something—tell you how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time. Buncha people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "two plus two." The people in the back say, "four." Then the—then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. I mean, it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. I wish your mother was here to eat them."

"Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it."

"There you are, Morty. Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands."

"Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-what'd you do to Frank?"

"It's pretty obvious, Morty. I froze him. Now listen I need your help, Morty. I mean, we got we got to get get the hell out of here and go take care of business. It's important. Come on, Morty."

"I don't know, Rick. I can't leave school again."

"Do you have any concept of how much higher the stakes get out there, Morty? What do you think I can just do it all by myself? Come on!"

"Aw, geez. Okay. I guess I can skip history. What about Frank? I mean, shouldn't you unfreeze him?"

"I'll do it later, Morty. He'll be fine. Let's go."

"Hey, Tom! We know when we're losing him. WE CAN HEAR THE BEEPS!"

"There she is. All right. Come on, Morty. Let's go."

"Oh, man, Rick. What is this place?"

"It's Dimension 35-C, and it's got the perfect climate conditions for a special type of tree, Morty, called a Mega Tree, and there's fruit in those trees, and there's seeds in those fruits. I'm talking about Mega Seeds. They're they're incredibly powerful, and I need them to help me with my research, Morty."

"Oh, man, Rick. I'm looking around this place, and I'm starting to work up some anxiety about this whole thing."

"All right, all right, calm down. Listen to me, Morty. I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Morty, we're gonna be—"

"All right, all right, calm down. Listen to me, Morty. I know that new situations can be intimidating. You're looking around, and it's all scary and different, but, you know, m-meeting them head on, charging right into them like a bull that's how we grow as people. I'm no stranger to scary situations. I deal with them all the time. Now, if you just stick with me, Morty, we're gonna be—"

"HOLY CRAP, MORTY RUN!!!"

"HOLY CRAP, MORTY RUN!!!"

"I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Morty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Morty!"

"I never seen that thing before in my life. I don't even know what the hell it is! We got to get out of here, Morty! It's gonna kill us! We're gonna die! We're gonna die, Morty!"

"Oh, Morty, take a deep breath. Breathe that breathe that fresh air in, Morty. Y-you smell that? That's the smell of adventure, Morty. That's that's the smell of-of-of-of a whole different evolutionary timeline."

"All right, Rick, look how much longer is this gonna be? Shouldn't I be back at school by now?"

"Are you joking me? I mean, look at all the crazy crap surrounding us. Look at that thing right there. What the hell is that thing? You think you're gonna see that kind of thing at school? Look at it just lumbering around. It defies all logic, that thing."

"Yeah, Rick, I get it. We're surrounded by monsters. That's kind of the reason why I want to leave."

"Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Morty, you see this?"

"Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Morty, you see this?"

"You see what we just stumbled upon, Morty? Any idea what that is down there?"

"The mega trees?"

"That's right, Morty the mega trees with the mega fruit on them and that's what I'm talking about, Morty. That's where my seeds are. If we would have done what you wanted, I would have never have found them, because you're so in love with school."

"All right, all right. So, what's so special about these seeds, anyways?"

"You ask a lot of questions, Morty. Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under- underfoot figure."

"You ask a lot of questions, Morty. Not very charismatic. It makes you kind of an under- underfoot figure."

"Just take these shoes, Morty. They're special grappling shoes. When you're wearing these things, these babies, you can basically just walk on any surface you want, Morty up, down, below, turn around to the left. These things really bring it all together."

"AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!"

"You have to turn them on, Morty! The shoes have to be turned on!"

"Hello? Mrs. Smith? This is Principal Vagina, no relation. I wonder if you and Morty's father might be able to have a chat with me this afternoon?"

"Morty, oh, you really d-did a number on your legs right now. You know, you got to turn the shoes on, Morty, for them to work. Yeah, look I turned mine on. I had no problem getting down here. It was a leisurely breeze."

"I'm in a lot of pain, Rick!"

"Yeah, I can see that. But do you think you'll still be able to help me collect my seeds, Morty?"

"Are you kidding me?! That's it, Rick! That's the last straw! I can't believe this! I'm sitting here with both of my legs broken, and you're still asking me about getting those seeds?! Ooh! Ow! Oh! Y-y-you're a monster. Y-you're like Hitler, but-but even Hitler cared about Germany or something."

"Okay, hold on just a second, Morty."

"Ooh, Ohh, Ooh. Wow, Rick. That stuff just healed my broken legs instantly. I mean, I've never felt so good in my life. Thank you."

"Don't worry about it, Morty. Just come help me get these seeds, all right, buddy?"

"Sure thing, Rick."

"Not that you asked, Morty, but what just happened there is I went into a future dimension with such advanced medicine that they had broken-leg serum at every corner drugstore. The stuff was all over the place, Morty."

"Wow, that's pretty crazy, Rick."

"There's just one problem, Morty one little hang-up. The dimension I visited was so advanced, that they had also halted the aging process, and everyone there was young, Morty, and they had been forever. I was the only old person there, Morty. It was like I was some sort of, you know, celebrity, walking around. I-I was fascinating to them. There were a lot of attractive women there, Morty, and they-they-they— they all wanted time with me. I had a lot of fun with a lot of young ladies, but I spent so much time there, my interdimensional portal device it's got no charge left, Morty. It's got no charge left."

"What?!"

"It's as good as garbage, Morty. It's not gonna work anymore, Morty."

"Oh, geez, Rick, that's not good. W-what are we gonna do? I-I have to be back at school right now. How are we gonna get back home?"

"There's ways to get back home, Morty. It's just it's just gonna be a little bit of a hassle. We're gonna have to go through interdimensional customs, so you're gonna have to do me a real solid."

"Uh-oh."

"When we get to customs, I'm gonna need you to take these seeds into the bathroom, and I'm gonna need you to put them way up inside your butthole, Morty."

"In my butt?"

"Put them way up inside there, as far as they can fit."

"Oh, geez, Rick. I really don't want to have to do that."

"Well, somebody's got to do it, Morty. Th-these seeds aren't gonna get through customs unless they're in someone's rectum, Morty"

"Uuuh."

"And they'll fall right out of mine. I've done this too many times, Morty. I mean, you're young. Y-y-you've got your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut, yet malleable. You got to do it for grandpa, Morty. Y- you've got to put these seeds inside your butt."

"In my butt?"

"Come on, Morty. Please, Morty. You have to do it, Morty."

"The glarp zone is for flarping and unglarping only."

"I don't like it here, Morty. I can't abide bureaucracy. I don't like being told where to go and what to do. I consider it a violation. Did you get those seeds all the way up your butt?"

"Yeah, Rick. Let's just get this over with, okay? I mean, these things are pointy. They hurt."

"That means they're good ones. You're a good kid, Morty. Those mega seeds are super valuable to my work. You've been a huge help to me. I'm gonna be able to do a-"