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training_data_v2

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"And now you spend your days sticking up for the little people."

"People change. What do you want?"

"I represent an organization of people that may be able to help. What if I told you we can cure your cancer? And what's more, give you abilities most men only dream of."

"I'd say that you sound like an infomercial. But not a good one, like Slapchop, more Shakeweighty."

"The world needs extraordinary soldiers. We won't just make you better. We will make you better than better. A superhero."

"Look, Agent Smith. I tried the superhero business and it left a mark. But if I ever hit, 'Fuck it', I'll hit you up. Oh, uh, shit. We're within 500 yards of a school, so you may wanna... You know. Yeah. His drinks on him."

"Hey, what's going on?"

"Hey, sorry. I had a Liam Neeson nightmare. I dreamt I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn't having it. Hey, uh, they made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent. (Narrating) The worst part about cancer isn't what it does to you. But what it does to the people you love. Who knew if this guy could save my life. But I knew there was only one way I could save hers. (Narrating) Isn't that what superheroes do? Okay. Let's pro-con this superhero thing. Pro: they pull down a gaggle of ass. Dry cleaning-discounts, lucrative film deals both origin stories and larger ensemble team movies. Con: They're all lame-ass teacher's pets."

"You know I can hear you."

"I'm not talking to you. I was talking to them."

"(To Francis) Stay right here. You've been warned before, Deadpool. This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers. You will both be coming with us."

"Look, Colossus! I don't have time for the goody-two-shoes bullshit right now! And... you are?"

"Negasonic Teenage Warhead."

"Negasonic Teenage... What the shit? That's the coolest name ever! So what, you're like his sidekick?"

"No, trainee."

"Let me guess. X-men left you behind on, what, shit detail?"

"What does that make you?"

"Pretending you're not here, Negasonic Teenage Warhead. Trade names?"

"Can we go?"

"Look! I'm a teenage girl! I'd rather be anywhere than here. I'm all about long, sullen silences, followed by mean comments, followed by more silences. So what's it gonna be, huh? Long sullen silence, or mean comment? Go on."

"You've got me in a box here."

"Ah-hah!"

"We can't allow this Deadpool. Please, come quietly."

"You big, chrome, cock-gobbler!"

"That's not nice."

"You're really gonna fuck this up for me? Trust me. That wheezing bag of dick tips has it coming! He's pure evil! Besides, nobody's getting hurt! That guy was already up there when I got here."

"Wade, you're better than this! Join us! Use your powers for good."

"Heads up."

"Be a superhero!"

"Listen, the day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit-swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners, at the Neverland mansion of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking mother fucker, on that day... I'll send your shiny happy ass a friend request. But until then, I'm gonna do what I came here to do. Either that, or slap the bitch out of you."

"Hey, douchepool!"

"And I hope you're watching!"

"Quite unfortunate."

"That does it! Oh, Canada! That's not good."

"Wade, please."

"Cock shot! Oh, your poor wife!"

"You really should stop."

"All the dinosaurs feared the T-rex. Ah! I promise this gets worse for you, big boy!"

"This is embarrassing. Please, stay down."

"You ever hear of the one-legged man in the ass-kicking contest?"

"Do you have off switch?"

"Yeah, it's right next to the prostate. Or is that the on switch?"

"Enough! Let us go talk to the professor."

"McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines are so confusing. Dead or alive you're coming with me!"

"You will recover, Wade. You always do."

"(To the camera) You ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert."

"Oh, my God. Nasty."

"Oh, there's the money shot, baby! Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret. Rock, meet Bottom. When life ends up breath-takingly fucked, you can generally trace it back to one big, bad decision. (Narrating) The one that sent you down the road to shittsburgh. This, well, this was mine."

"Mr. Wilson, nothing warms my heart more than a change of someone else's. You finally hit, 'Fuck it'."

"Just promise me you'll do right by me. So I can do right by someone else."

"Of course."

"And please don't make the super suit green. Or animated! This place seems sanitary. My first request is warmer hands. And, Jesus, a warmer table! You should really come up with a safe word fellas. I'm thinking pork and beans. Aren't you a little strong for a lady? I'm calling wang. What's up with the matches? Oral fixation? Or just a big Stallone fan?"

"Patience, Angel. All in good time."

"Are you here for the turn down service or what?"

"We have another talker."

"I'm just excited about my first day at super hero camp."

"Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax. I manage this workshop. My welcome speech used to be filled with euphemisms like, 'This may hurt a little'. 'This may cause you some discomfort'. But I've grown blunt. This workshop is not a government-led program. It's a private institution that turns reclamation projects like yourself into men of extraordinary abilities. But if you think superhuman powers are acquired painlessly, well... I'm injecting with a serum that activates any mutant genes lurking in your DNA. For it to work, we need to subject you to extreme stress. You've heard the whole, make an omelette break some eggs thing, right? I'm about to hurt you, Wade. I was a patient here once myself, you know. The treatment affects everyone differently. It made Angel inhumanly strong. In my case, it enhanced my reflexes, and scorched my nerve endings so I not longer feel pain. And in fact, I no longer feel anything."

"Thank you! Thank you. You have something in your teeth. Just in the middle there. Romaine lettuce, or something. It's been bothering me for a long time. Ha! Made you look. Hey, is Ajax your actual name? Because it sounds suspiciously made up. What is it really? Kevin? Ruth? Scott? Mitch? Dexter? Is it Basil Fawlty?"

"Joke away. The one thing that never survives this place is a sense of humor."

"We'll see about that."

"I suppose we will. He's all yours."

"Oh, come on. You're going to leave me all alone here with less angry Rosie O'Donnell?"

"This is how it's going to work. Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum, so we're going to have to make you suffer. If you're lucky, your mutant genes will activate and manifest in spectacular fashion. If not, well, we'll have to keep hurting you. In new and more painful ways, each more different than the last. Until you finally mutate. Or die."

"Got a bucket list? I'd really like to light a spliff off of the Olympic Torch."

"Pass it to me right after."

"Let's not forget naked tandem base jumping with the WNBA Sacramento Monarchs."

"Anything on my bucket list would involve public nudity."

"Giving Meredith Baxter Birney a dutch oven."

"No, receiving a dutch oven from Meredith Baxter Birney. Making banana pancakes for my kids."

"Vanessa. I wanna see Vanessa."

"No, no. It's okay. I encourage distractions. Wouldn't want you giving up on us, now would we?"

"Hey, don't take any shit from him, Cunningham. How tough can he be, with a name like Francis."

"Francis?"

"That's his legal name. He got Ajax from the dish soap. F, R, A, N, C, I, oops! I snabbed the dry-cleaning tag off your lab coat. FYI, I could probably get you the super hero discount."

"You are so relentlessly annoying."

"Thanks. Never heard that before."

"Why don't you do us all a favor and shut the fuck up? Or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut."

"Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you. See, here's the problem with round-the-clock torture. You can't really step it up from there."

"Is that what you think? If this doesn't unlock your mutation, well... Nothing will. Now, what we're going to do is lower the oxygen concentration in there to the exact point you feel like you're suffocating. If your brain waves slow, meaning you're about to pass out, then we'll turn up the O2. If your heart rate slows, meaning you're able to catch your breath, we'll turn it back down. And that's where we'll leave you. Right there."

"Ugh, I thought you guys were dicks before."

"You know the funniest part of all this? You still think we're making you a super hero. You, a dishonorable discharge hook deep in hookers? You're nothing. Our secret, mate, is that this workshop doesn't make super heroes. We make super slaves. We're gonna fit you with a control collar and auction you off to the highest bidder. Who knows what they'll have you do. Terrorizing citizens, putting down freedom fighters. Maybe just mow the occasional lawn."

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"You're never going home after this. now there's a brave face."

"Wait, wait! Seriously, you actually have something in your teeth now."

"Enjoy your weekend."

"Weekend? Back up, weekend? (Narrating) Did I say this was a love story? No, it's a horror movie."

"Fucking hell. Looks like someone lost his shot at homecoming king."

"What have you done to me?"

"I've merely raised your stress levels high enough to trigger a mutation."

"You sadistic fuck!"

"Hey, hey, hey! It's alright! It's alright. I think we owe him that, yeah? Take off. Go on, off you go. Quick question. What's my name? Didn't think so."

"(Narrating) Sorry, Francis, my lips are sealed."

"Wade..."

"(Narrating) I didn't just get the cure to el cancer. I got the cure to el everything. But there was only one thing that really mattered. No way. I'm not making her life as ugly as mine, man."

"Oh, come on, Wade. It can't be that bad."

"Ah, bullshit! I'm a monster inside and out. I belong in a fucking circus!"

"Wade, Vanessa loves you. She doesn't care what you - Oh. Oh."

"Do you like what you see?"

"No. You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado."

"Yeah."

"And not gently. Like, it was hate fucking. There was something wrong with the relationship, and that was the only catharsis they could find without violence."

"And the only guy who can fix this fugly mug is the brown shitstick from the mutant factory, and he's gone! Poof."

"Yeah, you've got to do something to remedy this, 'cause as of now you only have on course of action."

"Damn straight. Find Francis -"

"Star in horror films."

"What?"

"Star in your own horror films. 'Cause you look like Freddy Krueger face fucked a topographical map of Utah."

"Here's what I'm actually going to do. I'm going to work through his crew until somebody gives up Francis, force him to fix this, put a bullet in his skull, and fuck the brain hole."

"I don't want to see that or think of it again. But the douchebag does think you're dead, right?"

"Yeah."

"That's good. You should keep it that way."

"What, like, wear a mask?"

"Yes, a very thick mask, all the time. I am sorry, you are... haunting. Your face is the stuff of nightmares."

"Like a testicle with teeth."

"You will die alone. If, I mean, if you could die. Ideally. For others' sake."

"That'll do."

"All you need now is a suit and a nickname, like Wade the Wisecracker, or Scaredevil, Mr. Neverdie... Oh shit."

"What?"

"I put all my money on you, and I just realized I'm never going to win the -"

"Deadpool. Captain Deadpool. No, just Deadpool. Yeah."

"Yeah. To you, Mr. Pool. That sounds like a fucking franchise."

"This shit's gonna have nuts in it."

"Seltzer water and lemon for blood. Or wear red. Dumbass."

"Don't make me ask twice. Where's Francis? He made me ask twice. Is it the mask? You're about to be killed by a Zamboni! Nice to see you, Jared. I'll take the footlong. Fully loaded. 41 confirmed kills. Now it's 89. About to be 90."

"Mr. Wilson?"

"Ding ding!"

"You're looking very... alive."

"Ha! Only on the outside."

"This isn't going to end well for me."

"This is not gonna end well for you, no. Where's your boss?"

"I can tell you exactly -"

"Ah, da, da, da, da ,da ,da, da. Oh, you'll tell me. But first, you might want to look away for this. Now this little piggy went to..."

"Ah!"

"Thank you, Agent Smith."

"Hop in!"

"And we all know how this turned out. Whoops! You weren't meant to see that. There. All caught up. Sorry about bleeding in all of your garbage! Seltzer water and lemon for blood. Whoo! Some kinds of anger can't be managed. Like the kind where your year-long plan ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered! That said, when it comes time for licking wounds, there's no place like home. And I share that home with someone you've met. The old blind lady from the laundry mat, Al."

"God, I miss cocaine."

"Her. Ah! Fourth wall break in a fourth wall break. That's like... sixteen walls! She's like Robin to my Batman, except she's old. And black. And blind. And I think she's in love with me. Wait, I'm pretty sure Robin loves Batman too. Al? Good morning, sleepy head. It smells like old lady pants in here."

"Yes, I'm old, I wear pants."

"But you're no lady. Oh! So comfy."

"Upside of being blind, I've never seen you in crocs."

"You mean my big rubber masturbatin' shoes?"

"Yes, I know. Downside of being blind. I hear everything in this duplex."

"Sit on a stick."

"Bactine?"

"Yeah. Bactine should do it. How's that Cunen coming along? IKEA doesn't assemble itself, you know."

"You're telling me. I don't mind the Cunen. It's an improvement on the Holdall."

"Please. Anything's an improvement over the Holdall. I'd have taken and Emness or a Tristes over the Holdall. No, I didn't get excited until I saw the Cunen."

"Screw please."

"Here? Now? Just kidding, I know it's been decades."

"You'd be surprised."

"Pretty grossed out."

"Ta da. I wish I'd never heard of Craigslist."

"And I quote, 'Looking for blind and likes imperfections, must be good with hands.' Or would you rather I build the ikea and you pay rent?"

"Why so douchy this morning?"

"Let's recap. The cock-thistle that turned me into this freak slipped through my arms today. Arm. Catching him my only chance to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back, and prevent this shit from happening to someone else. So yeah, today was about as much fun as a sand paper dildo. Hashtag drive by."

"Tylenol PM?"

"I'd stick that where you stuck the Bactine. I raided my stash of wisdom teeth Percocet and I am orbiting fucking Saturn right now. I appreciate the gesture."

"Am I crazy, or is your hand really small?"

"It's about the size of a KFC spork."

"I get why you're so pissy. But your mood's never going to right until you find this woman and tell her how you feel!"

"I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo, she wouldn't have me! If you could see me, you'd understand."

"Looks aren't everything."

"Looks are everything! You ever heard David Beckham speak? It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium! You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on his superior acting method?"

"Love is blind, Wade."

"No. You're blind."

"So you're just gonna lie there and whimper?"

"No, I'm gonna wait till this arm plows through puberty, and then I'm gonna come up with a whole new Christmas Day plan. In the meantime, you might wanna leave the room. I bet it feels huge in this hand. Go, go, go, go, go ,go."

"You sure? You don't want any clothes that aren't monochromatic? Have fun at your midnight showing of Blade 2. Woo. Thanks for having my back, guys. Wade, we have a fucking problem. And by we, I mean you."

"I can't believe I'm doing this. Is there a word for half afraid, half angry?"

"Yeah, afrangry, I guess. Do you know what you're going to say to her?"

"Ugh, fuck me."

"Or, as I like to call her, irony."

"We've got to find her fast, before numbnuts does."

"How do you know she's in here?"

"'Cause I'm constantly stalking the fox. (Narrating) Every time I see her, it's like the first time. Especially from this angle."

"You can't find love, but you can rent it for three minutes!"

"You weak motherfucker! Come on. Come on, get it together. This isn't about me, this is about Vanessa. Here we go. Maximum effort."

"You have Wade Wilson to thank for this."

"Hey, hey! Where'd she go?"

"I saw her head to the back. Go get her tiger."

"Fuck... Mother fucker! Chocolate! Jimminy! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Oh, I'm gonna rip this mother fucking - Find that! Find that, I'm going to get angry!"

"Here, it says Vanessa. No, wait, it's Francis. He says he wants you to come to him."

"What is that?"

"That's the shit emoji. You know, it's the turd with the smiling face and the eyes. I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long."

"I need guns."

"Okay, which ones."

"I need all the guns!"

"Alright. That's about 3000 rounds."

"Well, we all know what I can do with twelve."

"Woah, woah, woah."

"Careful with that, Ronnie Milsap. We're downrange."

"I was gonna spend the night assembling the Volgie, but this is holding my interest."

"I told you, we're going with the Oordvash, not the Bjorsha, get it through your head or get outta fuck town!"

"Shit. That's all the pieces in the house."

"Na, na, na, na, na. Let's go, cough it up. Up, up, up, up, up. Ugh, down, down, down."

"Five cal. I like it. Wade. I'd go with you, but, I don't wanna."

"Listen, Al. If I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you very much. Oh, and also, there's about 116 kilos of cocaine buried somewhere in the apartment, right next to the cure for blindness. Good luck."

"See, I thought that too. But he keeps on coming back. Like a cockroach. Ugly. Now, I may not feel, but he does. Let's see how he fights with your head on the block."

"Ripley! From Alien 3!"