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"Dear God." | "Good luck, Mr. President." |
"Sanchez! Are you a musician?" | "I dabble, Mr. President." |
"Rick, are you really a musician?" | "Who’s NOT a musician, Morty?" |
"Me!" | "Yeah, not with that attitude." |
"Giant head in the sky, please forgive all that we’ve done. We’re sorry for increased levels of emissions and our racism. And of course, the amber alerts I keep ignoring on my phone." | "All right, Morty, let’s get ready to do it! Why don’t you, uh, find a button on one of those keyboards and lay down some kind of beat?" |
"Rick, I think we need to cut our losses. We get our family and portal out of here!" | "Morty! Good music comes from people who are relaxed. Just hit a button, Morty! Gimme a beat!" |
"Oh man, ok, all right, um…" | "Ahhhhh yeahhhhh Ya gotta get schwifty Ya gotta get schwifty in here It’s time to get schwifty" |
"It’s our world’s best effort, that’s what." | "Take off your pants and your panties Shit on the floor Time to get schwifty in here I’m Mr. Bulldops" |
"Don’t analyze it, Nathan. It’s working!" | "Take a shit on the floor Time to get schwifty in here" |
"Listen! The storm is stopping!" | "Hey, take your pants off It’s schwifty time today" |
"What the hell happened?" | "I think planet Earth has just been transported." |
"WE ASKED THEM TO SHOW US WHAT THEY GOT. AND THEY DID. NOW WE’LL SEE WHICH OF THEM HAS GOT THE MOST. 24 HOURS, FIVE PLANETS, FIVE SONGS. BUT IN THE END, THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE. PLANET MUSIC! All participation is involuntary. Disqualified and losing planets are disintegrated by plasma ray." | "Uhh, it’s probably a bad time to mention it, but any astronauts you guys had in orbit are definitely dead." |
"Like we’re not already under enough pressure!" | "Geez, Morty. The guy’s just doing his job. Take it easy." |
"Rick, Ice-T, could you guys take it less easy?! We’ve got six hours to come up with a song!" | "Genius happens in the moment, Morty." |
"Well, can we at least go get our family? You know, so we can take them with-with-with us if we lose?" | "That’s planning for failure, Morty. Even dumber than regular planning. Balls." |
"That’s planning for failure, Morty. Even dumber than regular planning. Balls." | "Morty, Morty, stop! Listen! There’s only so much charge left in this thing. If we portal home from here and back, we’re not gonna have enough charge left to get off-world. Get it?" |
"What?!" | "Yeah, you see, I try to shelter you from certain realities, Morty. Cause if I let you make me nervous, then we can’t get schwifty." |
"Stop saying it like it’s a thing! You made it up!" | "Hey, Morty! Could you lick my…" |
"Aw, damn. We’re out of original flavor Fig Newtons. I should get going anyway." | "Wait, wait, wait! Come on, h-hold on a second!" |
"That’s it!" | "Whoa, whoa! Morty! Give me that!" |
"You lied! You lied about the charge! You were just being lazy! Get back! Sit down!" | "Morty, just put it down. You don’t know what you’re doing." |
"I’m going to go find Mom and Dad." | "Nooooo!" |
"Nooooo!" | "Ahhhh, shit!" |
"You appear to be dying. I will make efforts to prevent this, but can promise nothing." | "Wh-What do you think, Ice? Probably a little over-developed." |
"Shit. Over-developed, under-developed. Bad songs are bad songs." | "Well, do you think maybe, could you give me some help with it, or… ?" |
"Ah, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can’t afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame. You know what I’m sayin’?" | "Ice, I don’t want to be a negative Nelly or anything, but if Morty doesn’t come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there, it’s, uh, kind of your problem too." |
"Pfff. I ain’t worried about no Earth blowin’ up, man." | "What? Why not?" |
"Yo, this is why." | "What the fuck? You can turn into ice?" |
"My story begins at the dawn of time in the far away realm of Alphabetrium. There, every being is a letter of the alphabet. But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything. Earth is just one of the many stops on my lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don’t care if it blows up! Cause I’ll just be ice, floatin’ through space, like a comet!" | "Take it from me, Ice. You can’t just float around space not caring about stuff forever." |
"SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT." | "Ahem. Uhhh… lop-oo-lop-oo-lop-oo-dups, nop-oo-nop-oo-nop-oo-nuts." |
"Mr. President, if I’ve learned one thing today, it’s that sometimes, you have to not give a fuck!" | "Nup-oo-nup-oo-nup-oo-nups… ooh, tough crowd." |
"The heads are displeased!" | "Morty!" |
"What do you say, Rick?" | "I say… Let’s do it!" |
"I say… Let’s do it!" | "All right!" |
"Ohhhh yeahhhh!" | "Come on, here we go!" |
"Ohhhh yeahhhh!" | "Say it with me!" |
"Why didn’t he turn into a snake?" | "Trade secret, Mr. President. Particle beam in a wristwatch… snake holster on the leg." |
"I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium." | "Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine.You hear me Jerry? You're gonna be fine!" |
"Woahh!" | "ooo... Watch out for that stuff. It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, and it'll send into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth." |
"Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia?" | "I know this isn't the time, but, you know, technically the second freezer drawer is mine." |
"Not anymore." | "You're overreacting!" |
"You're overreacting!" | "Alright fine, but you're not touching my CRISPR." |
"Is he going to die?" | "What? Every hospital claims to have the best doctor in the galaxy. It's like those pizza places that claim to have the best pizza in the world. What- Do you think they have pizza contests? Have you ever been to a pizza contest?" |
"Go in the waiting room, Dad." | "Fine! Excuse me. Coming through. What are you here for- Just kidding, I don't care. Well this won't do." |
"Fine! Excuse me. Coming through. What are you here for- Just kidding, I don't care. Well this won't do." | "A sequel." |
"A sequel." | "Yeah me neither, we pretty much nailed it the first time." |
"Eye-holes! Get them today! IKEA." | "You gotta be careful Morty, if that guy catches you with a box of his eye-holes he comes bursting in through a window and just starts kicking the shit outta you. But it's worth the risk, they melt in your mouth Morty! They're delicious." |
"I can't believe you're explaining alien cereal, we're worried about Jerry." | "Well you're thirty-nine years too late, or however old he is. Is he fifty? Oh man, Beth is, is Jerry fifity!?" |
"Yes I will! That's right, assholes, take my penis, TAKE IT ALL! And tell Shrimply Pimples that when the galaxy came calling Jerry Smith from Earth didn't flinch!" | "Hey, what's wrong Morty? Oh, you're worried about your dad, huh?" |
"Huh? Uh, no no no, I'm-I'm just looking at that lady getting coffee. What's up with her face? Is she a human or is she like Worf. You know Worf, from Star Trek, where he has the shit all over his face but he's just a human in a costume, you know?" | "Morty let's-let's see what else is on." |
"Whoa! Look! It's that lady with all that shit on her face like Worf from Star Trek! That was getting coffee! How did she get there!" | "Oh, man Morty. How DID she get there?" |
"Is that something we should be concerned about?" | "Just stay away from the coffee machine." |
"Rick, who-who is Jan-Michael Vincent?" | "Oh man, I'm trying to remember Morty." |
"Is it important that we know who Jan-Michael Vincent is in order to get this?" | "Nope." |
"This January, It's time to Mike down your Vincent's. Jan Quadrant Vincent 16." | "That's Jan-Michaels." |
"Excuse me, nurse, can you take my temperature? Because I think I have Jan Quadrant Vincent fever over here." | "All right, Morty you've done it!" |
"Well, Jerry, what kind of wife would I be if I did anything to stand in your way?" | "Anyway, that's how I escaped from space prison! Oh, scary place." |
"Wow, Rick! That's -- That's one -- one heck of a story. I sure do wish I could have been there to see it happen." | "Oh, come on. Who wants to watch a mad scientist use handmade sci-fi tools to take out highly trained alien guards when we can sit here and be a family at Shoney's?" |
"Dad, it's great to have you back, no matter where we are, but wouldn't you like to go home?" | "Emotionally speaking, honey, Shoney's is my home." |
"Yeah, but you just got out of prison. I mean, how much of a step up from that is --" | "Jerry, get out of the booth, take all your clothes off, and fold yourself 12 times." |
"You got it." | "Six folds, huh? W-W-What, have you guys got me in a Series 9000? You cheap insect fucks didn't think I was worth your best equipment?" |
"Man, I told the money bugs. I said, "You know who this guy is, right? You want me to get intel out of the smartest mammal in the galaxy, you better give me a decent brainalyzer." | "Well, you might as well order some pancakes, because I don't see the need to leave this part of my brain." |
"Oh, I think you do. Eventually, you're either gonna relax your cerebellum." | "Shoney's." |
"Or the Series 9000 is going to turn it into mush." | "Relaxed enough?" |
"Ooh!" | "Oh, any particular ones? You want to see my first boner, or should we go straight to the moment I discovered interdimensional travel?" |
"Oh, any particular ones? You want to see my first boner, or should we go straight to the moment I discovered interdimensional travel?" | "' Ooh, your little flappy doodles are twitching. Does that mean you're aroused, or did you just get a signal that one of your buddies found a grape?" |
"It's arousal. Yes, I'd like very much to visit the memory of you inventing your portal gun." | "Yeah, well, tough titties." |
"Yeah, well, tough titties." | "Well, that depends on who breaks first -- me or the titty." |
"If we stay here, you'll die, along with all your memories. If you take me where I want to go she'll be there, too, won't she?" | "The day I invented the portal gun is the day I lost her." |
"Oh, that sounds cool. I can get what I want and you can say goodbye." | "Fine, but I'm driving." |
"Where are we going?" | "To the day it all began and ended. The moment that changed everything." |
"To the day it all began and ended. The moment that changed everything." | "Yeah, I'd like to get a 10-piece McNugget and a bunch of the Szechuan sauce. Like, as much as you're allowed to give me. In 1998, they had this promotion for the Disney film "Mulan," where they -- where they -- they created a new sauce for the McNuggets called Szechuan sauce, and it's delicious! And then they got rid of it, and now it's gone. This is the only place we're gonna be able to try it, is in my memory." |
"Rick, you're doing this bit while your brain is melting." | "Okay. All right, all right." |
"Is that--" | "Me. I used to wear blue pants." |
"When'd you make the leap to interdimensional travel?" | "I didn't. I did." |
"Whoa. I-Is that it, the portal gun?" | "Yeah. That's the three lines of math that separates my life as a man from my life as an unfeeling ghost." |
"Yeah! Thanks, Rick. I'll try to remember to shut off the brainalyzer. Actually, I think it shuts off automatically once your brain is liquid. Don't know, don't care. Pull me out. Hey, pull me out! Can you hear me?" | "Nope, they cannot." |
"Why not?" | "Because the code you just uploaded wasn't actually my portal-gun formula, it was a virus giving me full control over the brainalyzer." |
"What are you talking about? This is a memory. Y-You can't alter details of a memory." | "True, but you can alter anything you want about a totally fabricated origin story." |
"It's a trap! Abort! I'm still in his Shoney's! Repeat -- we never left his Shoney's!" | "Mission accomplished, boys. Pull me out." |
"Mission accomplished, boys. Pull me out." | "Okay, have fun in what's left of my brain. I'm gonna transfer to yours. Oh, there's not enough room for all my genius, so I'm leaving you with my fear of wicker furniture, my desire to play the trumpet, my tentative plans to purchase a hat, and six years of improv workshops. Comedy comes in threes." |
"Grandpa Rick!" | "Duh!" |
"Rick!" | "Morty, take this. You're gonna need it later." |
"That's enough, Rick." | "What -- What's this supposed to accomplish? We have infinite grandkids. You're trying to use Disney bucks at a Caesar's Palace here." |
"You're a rogue Rick -- irrational, passionate. You love your grandkids. You came to rescue them." | "I came to kill you, bro. That's not even my original Summer." |
"Why not shoot through her?" | "20 yards, nine-gauge plasma pistol, My first shot would liquify her insides and injure you, second shot adds recoil. The risk to me is minimized if I wait for you to shoot her, which I'm encouraging you to do." |
"What the fuck?" | "Or let her go, which I will reward with a quicker death." |
"Because you love her!" | "Because it's incentive for you to give me my cleanest shot, which will be your least painful death. But if you want to die slower than that, I'm super into it. All you got to do to get that started is kill the girl." |
"I hate you!" | "Not an issue, sweetie." |
"That's enough! Drop the gun, Rick!" | "Morty, I know you're too stupid to get this, but you're really fuckin' this up right now." |
"I'm not letting you let my sister die! Drop the gun!" | "I wasn't gonna let her die, you fuckin' moron!" |
"Aww." | "The point is he thought I was going to." |
"Morty, you fucking idiot!" | "You're a serious fuckin' idiot, Morty! You basically killed us all! You're the worst! You're as dumb as a bag of sand." |
"That was amazing, Morty. Oh, my God. Wow. Okay, let's wrap this-" | "Good job, Morty. Let's go, kids." |
"What?! What happened?" | "Oldest Rick trick in the book." |
"Can't we just portal home?" | "Not until I finish what I started. And that is how you get level-nine access without a password." |
"Not until I finish what I started. And that is how you get level-nine access without a password." | "Employee of the month, ladies and gentlemen." |
"So, what are you doing with level-nine access anyways?" | "Destroying the galactic government." |
"Ooh, or -- or reprogram their military portals to disintegrate their entire space fleet?" | "Good pitches, kids. I'm almost proud. But watch closely as Grandpa topples an empire by changing a one to a zero." |
"Just each other, and I'll never let you go. And I'm so sorry I ever did this to us." | "Guess who dismantled the government?" |