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Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An Arab and a Jew | There was an Arab oil Sheikh that was in a coma and needed a blood transfusion to survive. Being AB+ it was hard for him to get a donor with the same rare blood type. Finally they found an old Jewish farmer that was listed as a blood donor with the same blood type. However he was very reluctant to give his blood to save an Arab guy. Finally after lots of discussions and pestering by doctors he agreed to donate only enough blood to help make sure the Arab guy was stabilized. After the blood transfusion and when the Arab guy is healthier, he sends the Jewish farmer a brand new John Deere tractor and a Cartier watch and $100000 as a token of appreciation. After a year, the Arab is requires another transfusion. The old Jewish farmer is contacted and this time is willing to give more blood. After the transfusion the Arab send the Jewish guy a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers. When the Jewish guy gets this he is furious as he is expecting much more since he gave more of his rare blood type. He contacts the Arab sheikh and asks him why he only gave him such a paltry gift? The Arab says, ya Akhie (brother) I have Jewish blood in me now…. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a droid that always takes the longest route?
| R2 Detour. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A little girl goes shopping with her dad | After the shoe shop, and the cake shop, she goes into the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber's chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Been waiting at the bar for my wife to pick me up for hours now.
| How long does it take to have a baby, for fuck sake!!!!! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The Great Writer | There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | First Date | A Man and a Woman are on their first date …. Lady: Do you drink? Man: Yes Lady: How much a day? Man: Three six packs Lady: How much per six pack? Man: About $10.00 Lady: And how long have you been drinking? Man: 15 years Lady: So, one six pack costs $10.00, and you have three six packs a day, which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 -- correct? Man: Correct Lady: If in one year you spend $10,800, not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 -- correct? Man: Correct Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drunk that beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account; and, after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink? Lady: No Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So a horse comes into a bar... | wait crap, I meant a guy... So this horse cums in to a guy (credit to cyanide and happiness) |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Autocorrect is a great feature... | but it can also be your worst enema. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two Gay Guys are walking down the beach..... | Two White Gay guys are walking down the beach when they see a lantern in the sand. The one guy rubs the lantern poof, out comes a Genie. The gene tells the two guys that he will grant one wish between the two of them. The guys argue back and forth on what they want the wish to be and the Genie becomes impatient. He tells the two guys that they can figure it out at any time, just one of the guys needs to say the wish and it will come true. Later on that night the two men are at their home when they hear lots of people outside. They look outside and there is a crowd of people outside yelling and screaming. The door gets knocked in and the two men are grabbed out of the house, hoods put on them and thrown into the back of a van. After driving for a little while, the van stopped and the two men were escorted out of the van. When their hoods were pulled off they could see men dressed in White Hoods and burning crosses all around them. And in the center, they could see two ropes hanging from a tree..... The one guy says to the other one Hurry, we need to use our wish and get out of this mess. The other guy looks back with a guilty look on his face and says "Shit, I already used the wish. I wished we were hung like two black guys." Edit: I cant spell |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Have you ever been to an Amish party? | Those guys really raise the roof! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Who the hell names food anyway? | I recently started a new job and soon realized that some crazy fool was giving names to all of the food in the break room refrigerator. Today I had a tuna sandwich named 'Bob'. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | [OC] What did the disgruntled barber give to the prince? | A bad heir day. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Latvian Joke | Man sits in broken cottage with daughter. Man is cold and hungry. Man not have potato for days. "Knock, knock" is heard at door. "Who there is" man say. "Politburo" "Politburo who" say man. Politburo burst in cottage rape daughter. Man now cold, hungry and sad. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The big sale. | It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper)were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line... "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Religion is all about who you DON'T recognize..... | Jews don't recognize Jesus as the son of God, Protestants don't recognize the Pope, and Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My girlfriend broke up with me for my obsession with touching pasta. | I'm feeling cannelloni right now. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." | So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward -- NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Latvian Haiku | Where is potatoes? This winter is very cold. Family is starve. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's big and brown and rhymes with snoop? | Dr. Dre |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the Philosophy Ph.D say to the fat black woman? | Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a broken vibrator? | A dildon't |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you know... | If you put your ear up to a woman's vagina, you can actually hear her scream, "what the fuck are you doing?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | At what time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? | Tenish. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | One wish | Two Irishmen go on a cruise. Halfway through their vacation the ship wrecks, and the two Irishmen escape on a lifeboat. They floated about for a couple days, hoping to be rescued. On the third day one of the men notices a bottle floating near the lifeboat. "Wouldn't it be cool if there were a genie in the bottle?", he asked. Without hesitation the other man picked the bottle up and rubbed, and whoosh, out pops the genie. "I am a powerful genie, but I can only grant one wish," the genie shouts. Before the other man could even get in a word "I wish the ocean was nothing but Guinness." And whoosh the genie grants the wish and disappears. "No, you idiot, now we have to pee in the boat." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two scientist walk into a bar... | The bartender asks what they would like to drink. The first scientist says "I'll have a glass of H2O please." The second scientist says "I'll have H2O too." The second scientist dies. Credit to my little brother. I don't know where he got it from. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I wonder what chairs think about all day... | Oh, here comes another asshole. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A baby seal walks into a club... | ... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Careful what you wish for! | I don’t think I ever got over my grandmother’s death when I was a kid. My grandmother died from a heart attack during my ninth birthday party. Literally while she was eating cake. And I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit. I mean, I still have birthday parties. But now I’m just careful what I wish for. —Anthony Jeselnik |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | There once were two airplane mechanics from New Jersey... | ... Who were also drinking buddies. One night, the mechanics (Rick and Paul) were finishing up their shift and discussing where they should go for a drink afterwards. "I don't know, man," said Rick. "We've been to every bar in town. The scene's getting old." "Well," replied Paul, "there is one other option. I've heard drinking jet fuel gives you a pretty good buzz." "Fuck it, I'll try anything once," said Rick, and they grabbed the nearest can of jet fuel and had the kind of time that only drinking buddies can. The next morning, Rick awoke expecting the hangover from hell. To his surprise, he felt fine. Better than fine, even; he felt great! "This is amazing," he thought. "All the fun of drinking, but with no negative effects!" Just then, he receives a call from Paul. "Hey man," said Paul. "How ya feelin'?" "I feel great!" Exclaimed Rick. "You?" "Pretty good, but there's just one thing... Did you fart yet?" "No," said a puzzled Rick. "Why do you ask?" "Because," Paul said. "I'm in Arizona." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you do in 5 minutes that you then suffer for for 9 months? | A school application. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why does a man's penis have a knob at the end? | The Italians spent 20 million euro on research, discussed it with 2 million woman, and conclude it is for the pleasure of the woman when men are making passionate love to them. The French spent 40 million euro on research, discussed it with 4 million men and we conclude it is for the pleasure of the man when they are making passionate love to their women. The Irish spent a hundred euros in the pub, drank a lot of Guinness and decided the real reason for the knob at the end of their penis was to stop your hand falling off when you have a wank. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Math Joke | How can you tell an extrovert mathematician from an introvert mathematician? An extrovert mathematician will be looking at the other guy's shoes. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two firemen having sex | The chief of a firehouse walks into the back room to find two male firefighters having sex. The chief yells out "what the hell are you doing?!" One of the guys says "he had smoke inhalation." "You fix that with mouth to mouth!" Yelled the chief. The other guy said, "how do you think this all started?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Three vampires walk into a bar... | ...and sit down. The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink. 1st vampire: "Give me a shot of blood." 2nd vampire: "I want a double shot." 3rd vampire: "All I want is a cup of hot water." The bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but looks kind of confused. The bartender asked the 3rd vampire, "Why didn't you order any blood?" The vampire pulls out a tampon and replies "I'm making tea." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. | Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor. The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious. And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the father buffalo say to his son going off to college? | Bison. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Magic Dildo | A married man was about to go out of town for a business trip and he wanted to make sure his wife wouldn't cheat on him while he was away. He went to an adult toy store and looked around, not finding anything he thought would keep her satisfied, so he went to the man behind the counter and explained his situation. "I think I have just the thing," the man said and he went through a curtain into a back room and came out with a very old wooden box. "Inside this box there is a Magic Dildo. It will give your wife many orgasms and you won't have to worry about her straying. All she has to do is call out 'Magic Dildo: my pussy!' and it will go to work. When she is done, the words 'Magic Dildo: your box!' will turn it off." "Perfect!" the man thought and quickly bought it, brought it home to his wife, and left on his business trip. While at home it doesn't take long for his wife to get the urge so she undresses, goes to the box and says the magic words. Sure enough, the Magic Dildo comes alive and gives the wife the best sex she has ever experienced. She has multiple orgasms and the Dildo never gets tired. The wife, however, does and is ready to rest when she realizes her husband never told her how to make it stop. She tries her best to pull the blasted thing out of herself but no matter what she does she can't get it out. Getting very worried, the Dildo still going at it, she manages to get dressed and get in the car to go to the hospital. While driving she is all over the road, swerving and hitting the curbs and a police officer, seeing her and thinking she is drunk, pulls her over. "Have you been drinking tonight, ma'am?" he asks her. "Thank God you're here, officer!" the wife exclaims and, panting, explains her terrible situation. The officer, thinking that this is definitely the most creative way he's heard of someone trying to get out of a ticket, bends down, looks at her and sneers, "Psh. Magic Dildo, my ass!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Anti-matter | Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner. "Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a good idea. Why don't I give the speech since I've heard it so many times?'' So Albert's chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldn't answer "Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I'll let my chauffeur answer it!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why was the 40 degree angle so nice to the 50 degree angle? | Because its very complementary! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What would it be like to have world with out women?? | It would be a real pain in the ass |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | John Wayne vs. Johnnie Walker | What the difference between John Wayne and Johnnie Walker? Johnnie Walker is still killing indians. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why's it a good idea to have a threesome with 2 Vietnamese girls? | It's usually a Nguyen/Nguyen. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What kind of sex do boring people have? | Banal. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between an attorney and a herd of buffalo? | The attorney charges more. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you get a nun pregnant? | Dress her up as an altar boy. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Science Jokes | A virus walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve viruses in this bar." The virus replaces the bartender and says, "Now we do." An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases in this bar." The infectious disease says, "well, you're not a very good host!" Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here." The bacteria say, "but we work here! We're staff." Some helium gas drifts into a bar. The bartender says, "we don't serve noble gases in this bar." The helium doesn't react. A room-temperature walks into a bar. The bartender says, "we don't serve superconductors here." The superconductor leaves without offering any resistance. A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve neutrinos here." The neutrino says, "that's okay, I'm just passing through." I stole these from Brian Mallow http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-iP5dh54T8 |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | 2 engineers on a bike | two engineers were biking across a university campus when one said,"where did you get such a great bike?" the second engineer replied, "well, i was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "take what you want."" the first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | why couldn't the rabbi eat out during passover? | His girlfriend had a yeast infection |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "S-H-I-T" | A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only). He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)." She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T." The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T." The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?" The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo | To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Door to door cheese salesman | I am a door to door cheese salesman, but I never get to sell any cheese, everyone always slams their door in my face. I have no idea why. All I say is "Hello, I'd like to talk to you about cheeses" and they slam the door while saying "Bloody Jehovas witnesses!". Edit: Took away the shite part |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Migraine headaches | There was this guy who constantly get migraine headaches, he tried all different type of drugs and it didn't work for him. So he decided to go to the specialist. He told the doctor about his migraine and also let him know he tried all the drugs that are available in market but they still didn't help him. Doctor said "I know what you mean, I had the same problem, but I did something out of ordinary and it worked. Whenever I get headaches I go down on my wife and give her best oral sex. When she about to climax she squeezes my head with her thighs and its been helping me with my headaches. And you should try it out." After couple of months doctor meets that guy on street and asks him I haven't seen you for long time after your visit, how's your headaches? The guy said your technique really worked, but I just have one question who made that portrait of you and your wife top of your bed? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Son of a Bitch | A priest was fishing in the old country when he caught a really big fish. He hauled it up on the bank and this guy walked up and looked at it. He looked over at the priest and said, "Wow, that's a big son of a bitch!" The priest looked over and said, My son, I'm a man of the cloth. You shouldn't talk like that." The guy looks at him and says, "That's what we call those fish in this part of the country." The priest was like, oh, okay. So, the priest takes the fish back to where he lives and a nun walks up and says, "Wow, did you catch that on your fishing trip?" The priest proudly holds the fish up and says, "Yes, I caught this son of a bitch!" The nun looks at him and says, "Father!" The priest says, "That's what they call these fish where I caught it!" The nun says, "Would you like for me to clean that son of a bitch for you?" The priest says, "That will be fine." So the nun is carrying it to clean when another nun walks up and ask where she got it. The nun carrying the fish replies,"The father caught this son of a bitch!" The nun that asked says, "Sister!" The nun carrying the fish says, "That's what the father said they're called!" The other nun says, "I'll bake that son of a bitch after you clean it then!" Well, low and behold the pope shows up for dinner. Everyone finishes dinner and the pope is sitting there and he looks around, leans back and says, "That was a fine meal you cooked for the Pontiff." Well the priest didn't want to be outdone and he jumps up and exclaims, "I caught that son of a bitch!" The nun that cleaned it jumps up and says, "I cleaned that son of a bitch!" Well the other nun didn't want to be left out and she jumps up and says, "And I baked that son of a bitch!" Upon hearing this the pope looks around and says with a loud voice, "You know what? You motherfuckers are alright!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man is on a business trip in Las Vegas... | ...after he checks into his hotel he decides to relax with a cocktail at the hotel bar. While sipping his drink, a beautiful woman catches his eye and they strike up a conversation. It turns out she's a prostitute so he decides to invite her up to his room. Up in his room, he asks, "How much for a handjob?" She replies, "$1,000." "$1,000?! That's ridiculous!" he replies. The prostitute brings him over to the window and points down to a line of high-class livery cars awaiting passengers. "See that line of cars down there? Well I own all of them because I charge $1,000 for handjob." Curious, the man agrees, pays the money, and receives the best handjob of his life. During his second evening in Vegas, he hits up the same bar and is pleased to see the same prostitute. He invites her up to his room again. "Well that $1,000 was worth it, but how much for a blowjob?" "It'll be $10,000 for a blowjob." "$10,000 for a blowjob?! You're out of your mind!" Again, the prostitute brings him over to the window and points to a a fancy new hotel being built across town. "See that new hotel coming up? Well, I own that hotel because I charge $10,000 for a blowjob." Remembering the awesome handy from the night before, he decides to pay up for the blowjob. It was the best blowjob of his life. The third night comes around and the man goes back down to the hotel bar hoping to see the same prostitute. He finds her and excitedly invites her up to his room again. "The handjob and blowjob you gave me were so amazing. I have to fuck you now. I can't stop thinking about how mind-blowing it'll be!" "I charge $100,000 for sex." "$100,000?! That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard!" Once more she brings him to the window and motions at the Las Vegas Strip, implying she owns it all. "Nah-uh! No way! There is NO WAY you OWN the ENTIRE Vegas Strip." The prostitute smiles coyly and says, "You're right. I don't own the Strip. But I would... if I had a pussy." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Your face is kinda similar to a planet... | ''Oh yeah, Which one?'' ''Uranus'' |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | They always tell me, "Measure twice. Cut once"... | ...but they never say which of the two measurements I should use to cut by. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Q: What is printed on the bottom of a bottle in Michigan? (Found on /r/linux) | A: Open the other end |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Being Fired | If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will enjoy this. A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?" From across the room a voice said, "Sure - he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's and was just waiting to collect the money!” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Went to the zoo today. There was only one animal. | It was a "shitzu." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Paddy in New York | Paddy was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection. The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would allow traffic to resume. The officer had done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across ?' |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Desperate to get laid, so I'm going to my next Halloween party dressed as a giant anus | ...I hear that hot girls love having sex with assholes |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A duck walks into a bar... (kind of long...) | A duck walks into a bar and asks if they serve food, the bartender, a bit taken aback by the talking duck, pauses before replying "Yeah, what would you like?" "I'll just have a burger and a pint please" replied the duck. The next day the duck returns and orders the same, this happens every day for a few weeks. One day, just after the duck has left, the owner of a travelling circus enters the bar for a drink, while there the bartender says "Hey, I'm sure you'd be interested in this, every day there's a talking duck come in here for lunch!" "Really? That would be an excellent addition to my circus!" replies the man, "Tell him to call me on this number if he comes back tomorrow." and he hands the bartender a card. The next day, sure enough, the duck returns for his food and the bartender tells him about the man from the circus. "The circus?" says the duck. "Yes!" exclaims the bartender. "Big tent? Pole up the middle?" asked the duck. "Yes!" says the bartender confused. The duck goes quiet for a moment and says "So what the hell does he need a plasterer for?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A young woman in New York... | ... was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The Frog | I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player, I was playing horribly that day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, three wood. I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard ..three wood. I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of the tee box, and he was telling me to use my three wood. I thought it was stupid but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt me so I took out my three wood. It was a long par four, and I hit the ball straight 250 yards with that three wood. Since the frog seemed to be lucky I picked him up and took him along with me. At the next hole he told me to use my five iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one ever. I made a least a birdie on all the rest of the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog. That night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played Roulette. I put my money where the frog said and won on every spin of the wheel. After that I was tired so I went up to bed. I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser. Suddenly it looked at me and said, kiss me. Now I wasn't about to kiss a frog, but he said it again. So I kissed the frog and he turned into the most beautiful fourteen year old girl you have ever seen in your entire life. And that your honor is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room. Edit 1: It's ok, I fixed my spelling error! Threat neutralized! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So I got caught copying my friends test in class... | I think the teacher heard my Xerox machine. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Could not decide how much lettuce to buy, until I got a second opinion | two heads are better than one. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | In an English class... | Teacher: David, give me a sentence starting with "I." David: I is... Teacher: No, David. You must always say "I am." David: Oh right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Yo mama's like a mosquito | I gotta slap her to stop sucking |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Put the punchline in the title. | Jokes suck when people |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you make a Kleenex dance? | You put a little boogie in it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | William Shatner is going to sponsor a new line of women's jeans made to hide adult diapers underneath. | They're going to be called Shatner Pants. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I have a tendency to run around naked... | So every morning I spray myself with Windex, to prevent me from streaking. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many protesters does it take to change a light bulb? | Trick question. Protesters never change anything. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Yo mama's so mean... | She has no standard deviation. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A small business. | "Hey Jim! Long time no see, how are you?" *"I'm great John, thanks. I started a small business."* "Really? In this financial climate? Pretty risky. What kind?" *"A brothel actually"* "Cool! What services do you offer?" *"The usual. Blowjobs, handjobs, and anal."* "What, no pussy?" *"Well, as I said its a small business.... I'm a freelancer."* |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Village Idiot | One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot. "This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?" "Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a lesbian octopus? | A lickalotopuss. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What happened to the brain eating zombie that went to Washington? | He starved to death. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What advice did Tiger Woods' dad have for Tiger during training? | Concentrate on golf—fuck everything else. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's green, white, and orange and only appears once a year? | Irish pride |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A woman is cheating on his husband and having group sex with three men... | When all of a sudden, the husband returns home from work early. In a panic, the three men run to the backyard stark naked, and looking around, they see three large garbage bags and decide to hide in them and so each one gets into a bag. The husband comes in the bathroom, sees his wife all naked and sweaty and immediately realizes what's going, sees the door leading to the backyard open, grabs his shotgun and runs outside ready to commit murder, "I'll kill the bastard!" Once outside, he sees the three bags and realizing the level of cuckolding he's been subjected to, decides to have some fun first. He approaches the first bag and gives it a soft kick, from inside the first man lets out a "Baaa, baaa..." "Oh", growls the man out loud, "there's a sheep in that bag." He moves on to the second bag and gives that one a kick and from inside the second guy lets out a "Buuk, buk, buk, buk...". "We seem to have a chicken in this bag" hisses the man and moves on an gives the third bag a kick. Nothing happens. He steps back and gives the bag a harder kick boiling with anger and again nothing happens. Starting to see red, he gives the bag a kick with all his might and stomps it a couple of times and from inside the third guy moans, "It's a bag of potatoes you asshole, potatoes"! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the leper say to the prostitute? | you can keep the tip. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So this guy has really small hands... | He's with a group of his friends and he says "hey guys I have really small hands, I bet I have the smallest hands in the world. I should get it checked at the Guinness Book of World Records" so he goes and gets it checked out, meets back up with his friends and they can see his excitement before he has the chance to even tell them, he did have the smallest in the world. So another guy in the group says "hey you know what, I have really small feet, maybe I have the smallest feet in the world. I should check it out too." Sure enough when he makes it back to his friends he's clearly ecstatic, he has the smallest feet in the world. So finally the last of the group says "well shit, I have a really small penis. It has to be the smallest in the world, I'm going to check it out with the Guinness Book of World Records as well." Upon returning his friends can see how livid he is. "Whats the matter man don't you have the smallest penis in the world?" To his reply "Who the fuck is (insert your name here, or if your telling the joke the name of someone your telling the joke to.)?!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So a Muslim Man is stopped on the highway... | The Muslim man was driving through a rural town in Alabama, when he is pulled over by a Redneck cop. The cop gets out of his car and approaches the window of the Muslim man's car. "Do you know how fast you were going?" The cop says The Muslim man responded angrily, "I had no fucking clue officer!" The cop, surprised, looked the Muslim man back in the eyes and said "What did you just say ta me?" The Muslim man apologetically responded, "I'm sorry officer, it's Ramadan and I've been fasting. It's part of my religion." The cop wrote the man a ticket and looked down at him. He then responded by saying "One, yer religion don't let you slide past all our laws, an' two, it ain't called fastin', stupid. Its called speedin'." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Chess Shop | A man walks into a chess shop, and going over to the small asian manager, he asks if he can purchase a piece. The manager says, "Oh sure. Take a rook." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | John Wayne | rides his horse into town, ties the reins to the hitching rail, walks to the back of the horse and pokes his finger up the horses butt. He then proceeds to wipes the finger all around his mouth. A man standing nearby runs over and says "Mr Wayne, why did you do that" John Wayne replies "Well, the wind and rain causes my mouth to get all dry and chapped" "And that prevents it?" asks the guy "No" says John "but is sure stops you licking your lips" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Young Irish Couple | A young Irish couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers," she said. "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this relationship." With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!" She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I typed "Missing medieval servant" into Google... | But it just came up with "Page not found". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Italian were in an airplane | It had engine trouble. So, they all got on their parachutes and jumped. The Irishman was first out of the plane, counted to ten, and pulled the rip cord. Second out, the Italian did the same. So, did the Scotsman, but his chute did not open, and he plummeted down with ever increasing speed. He passed the Italian, who crossed himself. Then he shot passed the Irishman. The Irishman TOOK OFF HIS CHUTE, and started to plummet after the Scotsman!!!!!!! "OH, SO TIS A RAACE YE BE WANTIN'!!!!!", He Shouted.... Happy St. Paddys day guys. Got this from the comment section on Yahoo, first time that ever paid off |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's long and green and has an asshole at each end? | A St. Patrick's Day parade! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Persuading girl into having sex with you is like spreading the butter on a toast. | It is possible with credit card, but it makes more sense using a knife. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call two gay Irishmen? | Michael FitzPatrick and Patrick FitzMichael. Happy St. Patrick's Day! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "Doctor," the embarrassed man said | "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you get a hippie off your door step? | Pay for the pizza and close the door. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | HOW DO PIGS TALK? | SWINE LANGUAGE. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | (Q)..... What Do You Call A Brunette Standing Between Two Blondes? | (A)..... The Interpreter. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? | You don't know? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How much hummus did the anorexic girl order? | A tahini bit. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What happens to a politician when he takes a Viagra? | He gets taller. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Question of Communication | A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. He asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce? She replied, "About four acres with a little home in the middle of the property." "No," said the judge. "I mean, what is the foundation of this case?" "It's made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle in town, as well as my husbands parents." He said, "Do you have a grudge?" "No," she replied. "Since we have a carport, we've never really needed one." "Ma'am, has your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded. "About twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Madame, why do you want a divorce?" "I've never wanted a divorce," the woman replied. "My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me." |