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Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? | Zero. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm selling an authentic French rifle.. | It was never fired and only dropped once. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Breaking News: A movie theatre has just been robbed of over two thousand dollars | The theives took a large soda and two bags of popcorn |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How to properly propose to a stoner | Marriage-you-wanna? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Old McDonald had a farm... | 2.71828 √(-1) 2.71828 √(-1) (5-5) |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What kind of bee produces milk instead of honey? | A boo bee |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the muslim guy rig a competition? | So he could win Allah the prizes. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My father died from an overdose of Viagra recently. | It's been a hard time for us. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the United States' biggest, most well-known export? | Troops |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant.. | Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I learned sign language | It's very handy! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | You know what's really odd? | Numbers that aren't divisible by two. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A monkey is getting stoned in a tree.. | A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?" The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and wanders into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint. The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!" The monkey looks down and says, "Fuck man! How much water did you drink?!?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call the cleavage of a woman with fake breasts? | Silicone Valley |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I asked an old man, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?" | I asked an old man, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?" . OLD MAN: "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Some women love playing hard to get. | Closing their blinds, locking their doors, calling the police... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man stands, chain smoking at a bus stop... | A man stands, chain smoking at a bus stop. The woman standing next to him says "Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!" "That's OK..." says the guy, puffing casually, "I'm a programmer" "So? What's that got to do with anything?" "Errors are serious, warnings are nothing...". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If it looks like a duck, and sounds like a duck... | It probably identifies as a napkin and how dare you assume it's species. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Californians hate walls so much... | They cried until the Oroville dam collapsed. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man drove his car into a tree. | He found out how a Mercedes bends. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I wanted to make a joke about chemistry tests | But NaH |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Pass the dam fish! | A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them "dam fish." The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the fucking potatoes!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Finding the perfect shower temperature on the first try is like my girlfriend | Non existent, but I hope every day. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A dick has a sad life if you think about it | His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbour is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy and to top it all off, his owner beats him regularly. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | PSA: You should all donate money to testicular cancer research. | It's a no-ball cause. (But seriously you should) |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Jehovah's witnesses are always banging on my door everyday | Joke's on them, I'm never letting them out of my basement. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The choice for president came down to two candidates: the moody bitch or | Hillary Clinton. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I was standing in line for hours showing my appreciation to everyone I met. | It was a thanqueue. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why are Jewish men usually circumcised? | Because Jewish women won't take anything that's less than 10% off |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Who is Trump's favorite YouTuber? | CrazyRussianHacker. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Never swallow scrabble tiles... | That shit could spell disaster |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What marker is only sold in shady areas? | Mr. Sketch. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A woman gets a new number | She sends a text message to her husband. W - "Hi honey, this is my new number. Can't wait to see you tonight" M - "Hey babe. I can't tonight. I'm having dinner with my wife" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A woman was getting out of the shower | As her husband was getting in; and she heard the door bell and quickly wrapped herself in a towel and went downstairs. She opened the door and it was their next door neighbor, Mike. He said, I'll give you eight hundred dollars if you drop that towel right now. She thought, well that's a lot of money, so she dropped the towel. He gave her the money and left. She went upstairs and told her husband that the neighbor Mike had come by. He asked if he gave her the eight hundred dollars he owed him. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Frenchman, an Italian and a Jewish man die and go to heaven.... | An angel ushers the Frenchman into a room filled with every French delicacy imaginable and instructs him - you can eat whatever you want, but if you eat anything from this table, at 5:00 a boiling pot of French onion soup will be wheeled in and you're going in it. The Frenchman thinks for a moment and stands back in fear. An angel ushers the Italian into a room filled with every Italian delicacy imaginable and instructs him - you can eat whatever you want, but if you eat anything from this table, at 5:00 a boiling pot of Minestrone soup will be wheeled in and you're going in it. The Italian thinks for a moment and stands back in fear. An angel ushers the Jewish man into a room filled with every type of Jewish delicacy imaginable and instructs him - you can eat whatever you want, but if you eat anything from this table, at 5:00 a boiling pot of chicken soup will be wheeled in and you're going in it. The Jewish guy thinks for a moment and begins stuffing his face with food. The puzzled angel has never seen this before. No one ever dared to eat the food in fear of being thrown into the boiling soup. He asked the Jewish fellow - I don't understand, the Frenchman and Italian were too scared to eat, are you not afraid? The Jewish guy answered - nah, I know how these Jewish events work, 5:00 is never 5:00 and the soup is never that hot. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Have you ever noticed that Ireland is just one sea away from.... | Iceland |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day. | So I bought her a helmet and some crayons. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | It must be hard working as a prostitute. | After all, work just comes and goes. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | For the valentines spirit | Roses are red violets are blue I am pregnant but it is not from you |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | roses are red, violets are blue | in soviet russia, poems write you. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I recently came into some money. | You should have seen the look on the cashier's face |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | You know what I hate? | People who answer their own questions. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The pathology lab was robbed last night. The stool samples were gone! | The supervisor couldn't believe it. He lost his shit. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When I went to pay for my items in a spiritualist shop I noticed a sign saying 'Queue on the other side'. | So I killed myself. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What My Girlfriend Thought, First four Dates: | 1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow. A second nice shirt. 3. OK, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? | A: A quarter pounder with cheese. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | *Airhorn sound* | *Second airhorn sound* Me: "Well this clearly isn't deodorant." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A rich guy dies and goes to the gates of heaven. | He offers Peter gold, thinking he can buy his way in. Peter looks at it and says, "You brought me pavement?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Posting a joke on a Reddit is like going in a bar. | Sometimes you get lucky, but most of the time you just lose your self esteem |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are driving through a desert. | An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are driving through a desert when their car breaks down. They decide they must walk across the desert. The Englishman takes an umbrella out of the boot and begins walking. The Irishman takes out his flask, fills it with whisky and follows the Englishman. The scot rips the door off the car and runs to catch up with the others. Sometime later they come across an Arab caravan. A man walks up to them and says to the Englishman ‘Sahib, you know that it does not rain around these parts?’ The Englishman replies ‘Ah but you see it is not for the rain, it is for the sun.’ And so the Arab knew the Englishman was truly wise. He turns to the Irishman and says ‘You have a flask but it is not filled with water?’ ‘Well you see’ says the Irishman ‘water can be trouble around here so I filled it with something more precious instead.’ And so the Arab knew the Irishman was truly wise. ‘And you sir, for what reason do you carry the door?’ so the Scotsman says ‘Well I figure, if I get too hot I can just wind down the window.’ *formatting |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A farmer was letting his 26 cows graze on a field near his farm with his dog | when suddenly he sees a rain cloud approach. He doesn't want his animals getting soaked or they might end up cold. He quickly scavenges for a bunch of branches and combines it with a tarp that he brought just for this occasion to build a make shift shelter. He whistles for his dog to herd them under the haphazard roof. He does a quick count and is shocked to find he suddenly has 30 cows. The next day he brings his wife along with his cows. Without even waiting for rain he builds a canvas roof and herds all his cows inside and again his 26 cows turn into 30. But his wife is less than impressed. "Don't you think that's amazing?!" he asks her. The Wife replies, "It's just as expected, you rounded them up to the nearest tent." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's black and eats pussy? | Cervical cancer. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So I was jogging around the track at the gym and this really hot Latina chick passed me. I gave her a friendly wave and said "hola." | However, she kept running and didn't say anything to me. I shrugged and kept going, thinking that maybe she didn't hear me. About 10 minutes later, she caught up to me again, and I once more waved and said "hola." Still, she kept her eyes straight ahead as she passed me and didn't respond. At this point, I was a little offended and felt determined to at least get a response of some kind from her. Finally, about 10 minutes later she caught up to me again, and as she passed I said "hola" somewhat louder than before. She finally slowed down and turned back to me and said "A few times I've been around this track, so it's not just gonna happen like that, 'cause I ain't no hola back girl!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I just dropped my phone in a load of mayo. | What the hellman! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the smallest organ in a goat? | An ISIS members' dick. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | 4 hookers | How do you get 4 hookers on to one stool? Turn It upside down. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | roses are red, violets are blue, | pornhub is down; your facebook will do |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Communism jokes aren't funny | Unless everyone gets them |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Man Escapes From Prison | A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Breaking: Donald Trumps hair has been reported as missing | Police are combing the area |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do they have bar codes on the returning Swedish fleet? | So they can Scandinavian. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I once got into so much debt | I couldn't even afford my electricity bills, they were the darkest times of my life. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Back then, if I wanted to see her panties, I had to lift her skirt. | Today, if I want to see her panties, I have to spread her butt cheeks. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | ELI5 why can you get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once? | Whooops wrong sub! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I had to break up with my cross-eyed girlfriend... | Apparently, she was seeing someone else on the side. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I hope I leave this world the same way I came into it... | Wrecking an 18-year-old's pussy. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | It all | The title says it all |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I have this theory about the origin of orgies. | It all started with a big bang! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The alien vessel landed quietly on St Peter's square in Rome... | A hatch opened and two little grey men with dazzling smiles appeared. They were promptly granted an audience with the Pope. After a brief discussion about the weather, the Pope said, "I know this question may sound odd to you, but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?" "Jesus Christ?!" exclaimed the slightly taller of two aliens. "Of course we do! He visits our planet every two years or so. Awesome fellow!" A hush descended on the audience chamber, and everyone watched the Pope, whose face had turned a rather odd purple. "Every two years?" he shouted. "We're still waiting for his second coming!" "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate?" suggested the alien. "Chocolate?" replied the Pope. "What in heaven's name does chocolate have to do with it?" "Well," said the alien. "When he came to our planet, we gave him chocolate. Why, what did you do?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Lady visited a bar for the first time.. | She was nervous but sat on one tall stool in front of the bartender.. the guy sitting on her left said: "Jack Daniels, Single" the Guy on her right side ordered: "Johnny Walker, Single" now the bartender looked at the lady & said, "And You?" Lady replied: "Yolanda, Married" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I got a venereal disease from a girl in a wheelchair | Now I'm handiclapped |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Ever tasted Ethiopian food? | Neither have they. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's wrong with that 5 year old Ethiopian? | He's having a mid-life crisis |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What currency do they use in outer space? | Starbucks. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you milk sheep? | With iPhone accessories. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a guy who gets lots of blowjobs? | Successful |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The most attractive thing about your mom... | Is her gravitational pull |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An atheist, a vegan and a CrossFitter walk into a bar | I only know because they told everyone within two minutes |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So the bartender says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve time travelers here" | A time traveler walk into a bar |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A sex addict decided to repent and volunteer in the local church... | The first day, the priest was teaching him the new job. A girl walked into the church and confessed that she commited adultery once. The priest said: "You need to donate one dollar to the church so God may forgive you". So she did that and left. Then came another woman and confessed commiting adultery twice, so the priest told her she needs to donate two dollars to the church. Then the priest said:"You got the hang of it, I'm going to the bathroom and you need to do the same thing until I come back, and remember, never take more money than you should". When the priest came back he found the new guy fucking a woman on the altar, he got mad and started yelling: "Are you out of your mind! What are you doing?!" The sex addict replied: "Calm down man, this one said she commited adultery eight times and she donated a 10 dollar bill and I didn't have any change to give back to her so I had to fuck her twice". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A father is on his deathbed. | His 4 children are there, 3 tall with red hair, 1 short with black hair, as well as his wife. "Before I die, tell me,is that my child?"He asks his wife, pointing to the shortest. "I swear on everything that's your kid."The wife replies. Relieved the father then passes away. Shortly after he passes, his wife mutters "Thank god he didn't ask about the other three." Edit: makes more sense, also some spacing. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A mother takes her three son’s to enroll in school. The teacher asks. | A mother takes her three son’s to enroll in school. The teacher asks. Teacher: What are your son’s names? Lady: This boy’s name is Leroy, this other boy’s name is Leroy, and Leroy here is my third son’s name. Teacher: Isn’t it confusing having all three boy’s named the same? Lady: Oh no, you see when it’s time for lunch I just holler out the door, Leroy! it’s time for lunch, and they all come a runnin. When it’s time for dinner I just holler out the door, Leroy! it’s time for dinner and they all come a runnin. Teacher: Ok, so what do you do when you want a specific boy? Lady: Oh, well then I just holler out their last name. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Has anyone found a date for Valentine's? | I did! It's on 14th Feb! Laugh please I'm pathetic |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I can never understand organic chemistry. | It has alkynes of problems. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant. | But then I changed my mind. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do trees do when they get mad at each other? | Throw shade |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Son: "Dad, Am I adopted"? | Dad: "Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man walks on a street and sees an open manhole | He cries into it: "Fuck you bitch!" Then echo replies: "Bitch you fuck!" A bit puzzled, he cries again: "Bitch you fuck!" And a second later, he hears: "Fuck you bitch!" Even more puzzled, he cries inside: "Fuck you bitch bitch you fuck!" The manhole replies: "Fuck off dude, I'm trying to work here" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I saw a seagull | I saw a huge seagull this morning. It was big enough to be a D gull... But not quite big enough to be an eagle. One thing's for sure, it definitely wasn't a beagle. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why is a river so rich? | Because it has two banks |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When a fire breaks out at a swingers convention | It causes premature evacuation. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you make a handkerchief dance? | Put a little boogie in it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do we want? A cure for tourrettes. When do we want it? | FUCKING SHIT CUNT! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What I find most sexy in a girl is her personality | Girl: Oh good, cus I have several of those! Guy: Uh... what? Girl: _Shh!_ don't _listen_ to _her!_ |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | For my wife's birthday, I got a guy to follow her all day making bee noises. | She really wanted a hummer. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Will glass coffins be a success? | Remains to be seen. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Breaking news: An entire shipment of Viagra has been stolen | The polices are looking for a gang of hardened criminals |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Adele requested and got a reset/restart on her song at the Grammy because she messed up | The Atlanta Falcons would also like to replay the 4th Quarter of the Superbowl |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a cow with no legs... | Ground beef. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | [Math] Hey girl, want to come over and integrate? | Unfortunately, After every time we ∫e^x I am left with an e^x |