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[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One day there was this Teacher who after missing a few days of school because of snow on friday decided to tell her students that there was going to be a test monday no matter what. So the the class clown in class raises his had asks, \"Well what if I have some great sexaul expeirences this weekend and I come in on monday and I am just too tired to take that test?\" Then the teacher responds with, \"Well I guess you will have to use your left hand to write then.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, \"Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane.\" Esther always replied, \"I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.\" One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, \"Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance.\" Esther replied, \"Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 is dollars is 50 dollars.\" The pilot overheard them and said, \"Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars.\" Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, \"By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't.\" Morris replied, \"Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, \"I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.\" With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, \"You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?\" And the man replied, \"I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. \"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $40 the first time.\"He continued, \"Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $90. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200. Are there any questions?\"At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, \"How much for a season pass?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "These two guys meet after not having seen each otherfor many many years. The first guy asks the second guy,\"How have things been going?\" The second guy speakingvery slowly tells the first guy, \"I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d.\" The first guy says in amazement, \"Hey, you don't stutterany more.\" The answer comes, \" Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r..a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..fI s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..ln..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r.\" The first friend congratulates him and then asks againabout how he was almost married. \"W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..dI w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..rp..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..ss..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..ka..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..nw..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..nd..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..et..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..yf..a..c..e..\" \"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?\"asks the first friend. \" W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..ks..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..et..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..gh..i..s b..a..l..l..s\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. \"So what are your plans?\" the father asks the young man. \"I am a Torah scholar,\" he replies. \"A Torah scholar. Hmmm,\" the father says. \"Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?\" \"I will study,\" the young man replies, \"and God will provide for us.\" \"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?\" asks the father. \"I will concentrate on my studies,\" the young man replies, \"God will provide for us.\" \"And children?\" asks the father. \"How will you support children?\" \"Don't worry, sir, God will provide,\" replies the fiancee. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, \"How did it go, Honey?\" The father answers, \"He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "John walks up to the bar tender and bets him $200.00 that he can take off his ear and place it on the bar.. The bartender thinks to himself, \"I know this isn't possible\" \"OK I will bet you the 200.00 dollars!\" the bartendar told John John took off his ear and placed it on the bar....and then said to the bartender, \"You owe me 200.00!!! The next day John came to the bar again. He had a new bet for the bartender!! \"I bet you 2,000 dollars that I can pee in this shoot glass and get every drop in? The bartender thought to himself again,\" No way can he do this!\" \"OK I'll bet you!\" said the bartender. He starts peeing all over the bar, the tables, the chairs, everywhere. \"HA HA I got ya...you owe me 2,000 dollars!!!!\" said the bartender. John said, \"Here's your 2,000....it's ok cause you see that table over there? I bet them 6,000 dollars that i could pee on your bar without you getting mad!!!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, \"Is this a union house?\" \"No,\" she replied, \"I'm sorry, it isn't.\" \"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?\" \"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00.\" Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, \"Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House.\" The man asked, \"And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?\" \"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00.\" \"That's more like it!!!\" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. \"I'd like her for the night.\" \"I'm sure you would, sir,\" said the Madam, then pointing to an 85 year-old woman in the corner, \"but Ethel here has seniority.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. Oneday Larry said to Joe, \"You know man its been a long time since we hadsome sex so you oughta let me screw you.\"Joe replied. \"Are you crazy?!!\"Larry went on to say, \"I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who screws, who first.So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won.Still having strong reservation Joe asked, \"How will you tell if it hurts or not?\"Larry told Joe, \"If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing.\" Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed,Moooooooo.... Moooooo... Mooooon River" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There was this guy named John that went to heaven. He looked around and saw millions of clocks, some were slow and some were fast. He went to God to ask a question. ''What's the deal with all these clocks?'' John asked. ''Well,'' said God, ''these clocks tell how much a person masturbates.'' ''Well, where's my clock?'' asked John. ''It's in the office,'' replied God. ''We use it as a fan.''" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made. The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies, ''Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins''." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Food Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"May I take your order?\" the waiter asked. \"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?\" \"Nothing special sir,\" he replied. \"We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there.\"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road...Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00...\"\"Great,\" says Sam, \"after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.\"As Lars is leaving, he stops. \"Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'.\"Not a problem,\" says Sam. \"After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em.\"Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. \"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.\"Sam says, \"Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again.\"Once again Lars turns from the door. \"More'n likely be some wild sex, too.\"\"Now that's really not a problem,\" says Sam, warming to the idea. \"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?\"Lars stops in the door again and says, \"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man went to the doctor and said, \"Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh.\" \"Of course I won't laugh,\" the doctor said. \"I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.\" \"Okay then,\" the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest member the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. \"I'm so sorry,\" he said. \"I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?\" \"It's swollen.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first teeandthe fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, \"My son is a home builder, and he is sosuccessful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it tohim!\" The second man said, \"My son was a car salesman, and now he owns amulti-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of hisfriends a new Mercedes, fully loaded.\" The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, \"My son is astockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entireportfolio.\" The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of takingcare of business. The first man mentioned, \"We were just talking about oursons. How is yours doing?\" The fourth man replied, \"Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gaybar.\" The other three men grew silent as he continued, \"I'm not totallythrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His lastthree boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stockportfolio.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This newfie, one time, wanted to marry a Shieks daughter in Egypt. So the Shiek said to the Newfie, \"You have to complete three tasks before you can marry here.\"So the newfie replied, \"That sounds good.\"So then the Shiek said, \"There are three tents. In the first tent, there is a forty ounce bottle of rum, which you have to drink in a half hour.\"The newfie replies, \"piece of cake.\"\"In the second tent,\" the Shiek said, \"there is a saber tooth tiger that needs his tooth pulled.\"The Newfie replies, \"EASY.\"\"And in the third tent,\" the Shiek says, \"there is a women that has never been sexually pleasured before, and you have to pleasure her.\"The Newfie replies, \"Not a problem\"So the Newfie walk in the first tent, and a half hour later, he walks out and says, \"Well, that was easy enough, show me the next tent.\"So the Newife walks into the second tent and then the tent started to shake, and strange noises started to sound. A few minutes later, there was silence. The Newfie walks out of the tent, bleeeding and ripped upo clothes and says, \"NOW, wheres that women who wanted her tooth pulled\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A cowboy finds himself captured by indians. The indians decide they are going to kill him, and the chief tells the cowboy he may have 3 last requests granted to him. The cowboy walks over to his horse and whispers something in his ear. The horse takes off running, and then returns in 10 minutes with a young, busty blond. The cowboy shrugs, and takes the blond into a nearby teepee. He emerges 10 minutes later. The chief then tells him, he has 2 requests left.The cowboy goes over to his horse again and whispers something in his ear. Again, the horse takes off and returns a short time later, this time with a young, busty brunette. The cowboy looks at her, and shrugs, taking her into a nearby teepee and then comes out 10 minutes later. He is reminded he has one request left.He goes back to his horse and whispers in his other ear 'For the last time, I said bring me MY POSSEE!!'" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says \"You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him.\"So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. \"Excuse me sir\" he starts, \"but I noticed you look just like me!\" The second man turns around and says \"Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?\"\"I'm from Dublin\" came the reply.\"Me too! What street do you live on?\"\"McCarthy street\"The second man replies, \"Me too! What number is it?\"\"162\" the first man replies.\"Me too! What are your parents names?\"\"Connor and Shannon\"The second man, almost dumbfounded says, \"Mine too! This is unbelievable!\" So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks \"What's new today?\"\"Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again though.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his familyincluding his mother-in-law.During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem.George'smother-in-law died.With the death certificate in hand, George went to the AmericanConsulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to theStates for proper burial.The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law toldGeorge that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very,very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for theremains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost$150.00.George thinks for some time and answers, \"I don't care how much itwill cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do,\"The Consul, after hearing this, says \"You must have loved yourmother-in-law very much considering the difference in price.\"\"No, it's not that,\" says George. \"You see, I know of a case manyyears ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the thirdday he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "3 men were locked up in jail for 100 years for some terrible crime. They could all have one thing each in jail. The first guy wanted beer, the second guy wanted naked woman and the third guy wanted marijuana. 100 years later they checked up on them. The first guy said \"oh gosh no more beer, full, drunk.\" The second guy said \"oh, the woman fight, well im going gay.\" Then the third guy said \"Does anyone have a lighter?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A guy goes into a pharmacy walks up to the pharmacist and asks him for some condoms. The pharmacist says: \"well they come in packs of 3, 9, and 12\". The kid says: \"well im going to have dinner at her place tonight and after that were going out and i think im gonna get lucky and once she had me she wont be able to get enough, so better make it twelve\". Meanwhile he goes home and gets ready and heads over to her house to have dinner and meet her parents. They sit down ready for dinner and they ask him to say grace. He says it and goes on and on and on... The girl leans over and says: \"you didn't tell me you were such a religious person\", and he leans back and says: \"you didn't tell me your dad was a pharmacist\"." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There was an Englishman,an Irishman and Scotishman siting on the edge of a cliff having a picnic.The Scotishman says \"Oh god i've got ham in my sarndwiches again, if i get ham tomorrow i'll jump off this cliff\".So the Englishman looks in his sandwiches and says \"Oh i've got beef in my sandwiches again,if get beef again i'll jump with ya Scottishman.\"So the Irishman looks in his sandwiches and says \"Oh i've got bloody tuna in my sandwiches again,if i get tuna again i'll join you two guys\".So the next day they all meet at the cliff and check their sandwiches.\"Oh crap,\"says the scottishman,\"i've got ham!\". So he jumps off the cliff.\"Oh bugger,\"says the Englishman,\"i've got beef again!\".So he jumps off the cliff.The Irishman looks in his sandwiches and says\"Bollocks! i've got tuna again!\". So he jumps off too. At the funeral the wifes meet up crying. The English wife says\"I only made him beef because i thought he liked it\".And the Scottish wife says\"Same here only made ham because i thought he liked it\".Then the Irish wife says\"Its not my fault he makes his own sandwiches!\".l" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two Buddies were drinking in a bar one night and had became extreamly drunk. One guy was so drunk that he had got sick all over his shirt. He looks at his buddy and says \"My wife is gonna kill me when I get home,this is a brand new shirt! His buddy looks at him and says \"don't worry,just put $20 in your front pocket and tell her that some guy got sick on you and gave you $20 for the cleaning bill. The guy thinks this is a exellent idea and continues to drink. He closes the bar down and heads home. When he arrives and opens the front door his wife is standing there waiting on him. \"just look at you, you drunk bastard! You even got sick all over yourself\". The man replies \"No baby, it isnt like that some guy got sick on me and look here he gave me $20 for the cleaning bill. She pulls the money out of his pocket and counts it and says \"Wait one minute theres $40 here! The guy looks at her and says \" Oh yea, he crapped in my pants too!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. \"Where have you been all night?\" she demands. \"At this new bar,\" he says. \"The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!\" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. \"Is this the Golden Saloon?\" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. \"Yes it is,\" bartender answers. \"Do you have huge golden doors?\" \"Sure do.\" \"Do you have golden floors?\" \"Most certainly do.\" \"What about golden urinals?\" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, \"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault. He kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card: \"Our deepest sympathy.\" \tBut she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read, \"Hotter here than I expected. Too bad you didn't come too.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "When the end of the world comes, everybody on earth goes to heaven. God comes and says, \"I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.\" With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said, \"You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?\" And the man replied, \"I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man was in a terrible accident, and his \"manhood\" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. \"Well, what have the two of you decided?\" asked the doctor. The man answered, \"She'd rather remodel the kitchen.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his forehead and says \"Bartender give me a scotch on the rocks.\" The bartender returns with the drink, and being kind of curious about the pair, asks: \"If you don't mind my asking, how'd you end up with that thing on you?\" Immediately the frog replies, \"I don't know, it started out as a wart on my ass!\"." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched bya midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guydoesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. \"Wow!\" comments the midget. \"Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!\" Surprised and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. \"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request,\" says the little fellow, \"but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?\" Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on theman's balls, and says, \"Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!\" ** Shibu **" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There are two guys that are trying to get a quick 18 holes, but there are 2 terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go. The first guy says: \"Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?\"The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back. The first guy asks what's wrong?He says: \"One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress.\"The first guy says: \"That could be a problem. I'll go over.\" He gets about half way there and comes back.The second guy asks what's wrong?The first guy answers: \"Small world!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Food Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman`s garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won`t ripen. There`s a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she`s getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says, \"Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?\" Her neighbor replies, \"Well, it may sound absurd but here`s what to do. Tonight there`s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they`ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they`ll all be red, you`ll see.\" Well, what the heck? She does it. Next day her neighbor asks how it worked. \"So-so,\" she answers. \"The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "4 men went golfing one day. Three headed to the first tee while the other went to the clbhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, \"My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gavea friend a new home for free.\" The second man said, \"My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a brand new mercedes, fully loaded.\" The third man not wanting to be outdone, bragged, \"My son is a stockbroker, and is so successful that he gave a friend an entire portfolio.\" The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking caring of business. The first man mentioned, \"We were just talking about our sons.How is yours doing?\" The fourth man replied, \"Well my son is gay and and dances in a gay bar.\" The others grew silent as he continued, \"I'm not tottally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a stock portfolio anda brand new mercedes.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Men\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "While escaped, a convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, \"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.\" \"Dear,\" the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, \"I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter. The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter. After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000. The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, \"Hey Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in.\"\"But we's privates,\" protests Jasper.\"We's sergeants now, \"says Leroy, pulling him inside.\"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink.\"\"But we's privates,\" says Jasper. \"Are you blind, boy?\" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. \"We's sergeants now.\"So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. \"You're cute,\" she says, \"and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea.\"Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, \"Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign.\" So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. \"Jasper,\" he says, \"why did you give me the okay sign?\"\"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates.\" He points to his stripes. \"But we's sergeants now!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A guy was duck hunting in Alabama when the park ranger walks up,\"Afternoon sir\", the ranger says, \"You got an Alabama duck hunting license\"?\"Yes I do\", the redneck replies.The ranger picks up one of the ducks and sticks a finger up it's bum and takes a lick of his finger then says, \"Sorry but this ducks from Georgia, you got a Georgia license?\"\"Yes I do sir\" , the redneck says,So the ranger picks up another duck with the same results says, \"well this duck is from Mississippi, you got a license from Mississippi?\"\"Yes I do sir\" the good ole boys says.\"Well dang son where you from?\" the ranger says.The old boy stands up turns around, drops his drawers and says:\"Well you tell me buddy!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two redneck hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their pickemup truck. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. \"Hey,\" says the lone hunter, \"I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the opposite direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground.\" After the lone hunter left, the two rednecks decided to give it a try. A little while later one says to the other, \"Ya know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!\" \"Yep,\" the other added, \"but we're gittin' further away from the truck....\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An Irishman in a wheelchair rolls into a bar and asks the waitress for a cup of coffee. He then looks over at the bar and asks the waitress, \"Is that Jesus?\" The waitress says that it is, so the Irishman says, \"Give him a cup of coffee... I'll pay.\" A few minutes later, an Englishman with a humped back walks in and asks the waitress for a cup of tea. He then asks the waitress, \"Hey... is that Jesus over there?\" The waitress nods and so the Englishman says, \"Give 'im a cup of tea... on me.\" A few minutes later, a Redneck walks in on a pair of crutches. He says, \"Hey, sweet thang... how's 'bout an ice-cold coke. Holy smokes... is that Jesus?\" The waitress says, \"Sure is.\" So, the Redneck says, \"Give the ol' boy a coke... put it on my tab.\" Later, Jesus gets up to leave, walks over to the Irishman, touches him and says, \"For your kindness, you are healed.\" The Irishman gets up out of his wheelchair and dances a jig out of the door. Jesus walks over to the Englishman, touches him and says, \"For your kindness, you are healed.\" The Englishman stretches out his back and does backflips out the door. Jesus walks over to the Redneck. Then, the Redneck gets up, backs away, and says, \"Stay away from me... I'm drawin' disability!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "1. Never take a beer to a job interview.2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.DINING OUT1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to \"bruise\" the fruit of the vine.2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with yourfingers covering the label.ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are.PERSONAL HYGIENE1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job thatshould be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, asthey tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.DATING (Outside the Family)1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the firstdate.2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: \"I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.\"3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say \"Monday.\" If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her toschool on time.THEATER ETIQUETTE1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.WEDDINGS1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.4. Though uncomfortable, say \"yes\" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.DRIVING ETIQUETTE1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largesttires always has the right of way.3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, \"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.\" He looks at her and says angrily, \"Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so.\" \"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.\" To which he replied, \"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so.\" \"Fine,\" she says, \"Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.\" \"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps,\" he says. \"Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!\" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. \"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?\" She said, \"Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake.\" He said, \"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?\" She replied, \"Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced \"Bear.\" Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, \"Shot with a .308 rifle.\" He was right.They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, \"Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, \"I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?\" His wife angrily replied, \"I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, \"Skunk, killed with an axe.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The first grade class gathered around the teacher for a game of \"Guess the Animal\". The first picture the teacher held up was of a cat. \"Okay, boys and girls,\" she said brightly, \"can anyone tell me what this is?\" \"I know, I know, it's a cat!\" yelled a little boy.\"Very good, Eddie. Now, who knows what this animal is called?\" \"That's a dog!\" piped up the same little boy.\"Right, again. And what about this animal?\" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.Silence fell over the class. After a minute or two, the teacher said, \"I'll give you a hint, children...it's something you're mother calls your father\".\"I know, I know,\" screamed Eddie. It's a horny bastard!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Arkansas State Residency Application ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION Name:(_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box) Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed Spouse's Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___ Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box) ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_ Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You know yours is a Red Neck Church if:Upon learning that Jesus fed the 5000, the men want to know whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. The pastor says, \"I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering.\" Then five guys and two women stand up. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because \"It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of.\" The choir is known as the \"OK Chorale.\" In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. Baptism is referred to as \"Branding.\" There is a special bake sale to raise funds for a new church septic tank. High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling. The baptismal is a #2 galvanized wash tub. The choir robes were donated by Billy Bob's Bar-B-Q, and areembroidered with his logo. The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You might be a Redneck Jedi if...You ever heard the phrase, \"May the force be with y'all.\"Your Jedi robe is camouflage.You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of BudLight.At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgumskeeters.Wookies are offended by your B.O.You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so youdidn't have to wait for a commercial.You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.Your father has ever said to you, \"Shoot, son come on over to thedark side...it'll be a hoot.\"You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defenseelectro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of yourland-speeder.You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Dukeshorts.You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to getin through the window.Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba theHutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwooddeck.You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantinascene.If you hear . . . \"Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Dear son, Im writing this slow cause i know you cant read fast. Your pop read that all accidents happen within 20 miles of home so we moved. Can't send you the address as the last arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them so they wouldnt have to change their address. That coat you wanted, aunt billy-mae said it was too heavy with them buttons, so we took them off and put them in the pockets. Your sister had a baby yester morn. Don't know if its a boy or girl so dont know if youre an aunt or uncle. Three of your friends went off the bridge last week. One was drivig the other two were in the back. The driver lived, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they coulnt get the talegate down. Please write back. It you dont get this letter, let me know and i will send another one. Love, ma" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of themsuddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.He gasps to the operator, \"I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?\"The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, \"Just take it easy andfollow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead.\"There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line, \"Okay, he's dead.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "1. Go to O'Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree. 2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. 3. Open a beer and drink it. 4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7. Place drain pan under engine. 8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9. Give up and use crescent wrench. 10. Unscrew drain plug. 11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process. 12. Clean up. 13. Have another beer while oil is draining. 14. Look for oil filter wrench. 15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off. 16. Beer. 17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow. 18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. 19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. 21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first. 23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24. Remember drain plug from step 11. 25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor. 27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame. 28. Bang head on floor board in reaction. 29. Begin a cussing fit. 30. Throw wrench. 31. Cuss and complain. 32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle. 33. Beer. 34. Beer. 35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil. 36. Beer. 37. Lower car from jack stands 38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands 39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23. 40. Test drive car 41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence. 42. Car gets impounded. 43. Make bail; get car from impound yard. Money Spent: $50 parts $12 beer $75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match! $1000 Bail $200 Impound and towing fee Total: $1337" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.\"Come have a look over here\", says Bubba, \"It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87.\"\"That's nothing\", says Earl, \"here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died.\"Just then, Jeb yells out, \"But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!\"\"What was his name?\" asks Bubba.Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, \"Miles, from Georgia.\"." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Redneck\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The two finalists were a Yale graduate and a redneck. The final contest was for them to make a poem in 2 minutes containing a word that would be given to them by the judges. The word was \"TIMBUKTU\". The Yale graduate was the first to give his poem: Slowly across the desert sand, Trekked a lonely caravan. Men on camels two by two, Destination Timbuktu. The audience went wild. They thought the redneck would never stand a chance against him-a YALE graduate. Nevertheless, the redneck stood up and gave his poem: Me and Tim a hunting went, Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They were three and we were two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu. The redneck won hands down." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Little Johnny, Billy and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards, they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a woman was sunbathing in the nude. As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left his friends and took off running for home. The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after just a few minutes, Johnney started screaming and ran off quickly. On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again. But this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong. Johnny replied, \"My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone... And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard \"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.She finally asked him, \"Well what should we do about this?\"Dad looked at her and said, \"Well, I don't think you should spank him.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Kid's Books That Should Never Be Written:'You Were an Accident''Strangers Have the Best Candy''The Little Sissy Who Snitched''Some Kittens Can Fly!''The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion''How to Dress Sexy for Grownups''Getting More Chocolate on Your Face''Where Would You Like to Be Buried?''Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her''The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!''All Dogs Go to Hell''The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking''When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It''Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia''What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?''Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?''Bi-Curious George''Daddy Drinks Because You Cry''Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver''You Are Different and That's Bad''Why God Burned Down Disney Land'" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, \"I know the whole truth\". The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, \"I know the whole truth.\" His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, \"Just don't tell your father.\" Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, \"I know the whole truth.\" The father promptly hands him $40 and says, \"Please don't say a word to your mother.\" Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, \"I know the whole truth.\" The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, \"Then come give your father a big hug.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.\"It's a period,'' said the little boy.\"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A little boy returning home from school said to his mother, 'Mom, what's sex?' His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, 'Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?'" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. \"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?\" he says.\"That's cool\" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.Carrie's father responds, \"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.\" Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.\"Yeah,\" says Carrie's father, \"Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!\"Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, \"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.\"Now, class, closely observe the worms,\" said the professor while putting a worm into the water.The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.\"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?\" the professor asked.Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, respondedconfidently, \"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week. Johnny said, \"Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and --\" The mother held up her hand and said, \"Not another word! Wait until your father gets home, and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me.\" The father came home, and the wife told him that she was leaving him. \"But why?\" croaked the husband. \"Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy just what you told me.\" \"Well,\" said little Johnny, \"I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob when Daddy was away last summer!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Little Johnny's father asked him, \"Do you know about the birds and the bees?\" \"I don't want to know!\" little Johnny said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong. \"Oh dad,\" Little Johnny sobbed, \"At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, \"Mommy, I have to pee.\" The mother said to the little boy, \"It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'.\" The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, \"Daddy, I have to whisper.\" The Father looked at him and said, \"Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, \"Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.\" Johnny looked up and replied, \"Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, \"Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?\" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. \"God Almighty !\" shouted Mary. The teacher said, \"Very good!\" and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, \"Who is our Lord and Savior?\", but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. \"Jesus Christ!\" shouted Mary. The teacher said, \"Very good!\" and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, \"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?\" Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, \"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "HERE ARE SOME CHILDREN BOOKS THAT WILL NEVER BE PUBLISHED:---------------------------------------\"You Were an Accident\"\"Strangers Have the Best Candy\"\"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!\"\"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It\"\"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia\"\"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?\"\"Why can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Socket be friends?\"\"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry\"\"Dad's New Wife Timothy\"\"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games\"\"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables\"\"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy\"\"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will\"\"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead\"\"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School\"\"Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The little boy walks into his father's bedroom and catches him putting on a condom. He says, \"What are you doing, Pop? The father stutters \"I'm going to kill a mouse, son.\" The kid says, \"What are you going to do, bang him to death?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"School\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. \"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!\" \"But why, Mom? I don't want to go.\" \"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.\" \"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!\" \"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.\" \"Give me two reasons why I should go to school.\" \"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. A nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray: \"Take only ONE……God is watching.\" Further along the line, at the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note: \"Take all you want……God is watching the apples.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.\"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named \"Mighty Storm\"?\"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.\"\"Why is my sister named \"Cornflower\"?\"Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her.\"\"And why is my other sister called \"Moonchild\"?\"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.\"\"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grampa's room. \"Grampa, Grampa,\" he says excitedly, \"as soon as grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!\" \"What?\" said his grandpa. \"Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland!!!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A little boy goes to the drugstore for some condoms. He goes up to thepharmacist and asked him, \"Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?\"The pharmacist replied, \"Son, do you know what condoms are used for?\"\"Sure do\" replied the boy, \"They keep you from getting venereal diseases.\"\"Yes, that's true,\" said the pharmacist, \"but do you know what the ribsare for?\"The little boy thought for a moment, then looked up at the pharmacist and replied, \"Well, not exactly, but they sure do make the hair on the backs of them goats stand up.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer,cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied,\"Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?\" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, \"Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth.\" The dad replied, \"Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. \"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,\" he said. \"An ambulance just drove by.\" A few moments passed. \"Looks like the Anderson's have company,\" he called out. \"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.\" Mom and dad shot up in bed. \"How do you know that?\" the startled father asked. \"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,\" his son replied." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.The teacher asked, \"Harry what is your problem?\" Harry answered, \"I'm toosmart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarterthan she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!\"Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harrywaited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what thesituation was.The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failedto answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade andbehave.She agreed.Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreedto take the test.Principal: \"What is 3 x 3?\"Harry: \"9\".Principal: \"What is 6 x 6?\"Harry: \"36\".And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-gradeshould know.The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, \"I think Harry can go tothe third-grade.\"Ms Brooks says to the principal, \"Let me ask him some questions?\" Theprincipal and Harry both agree.Ms Brooks asks, \"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?\"Harry, after a moment \"Legs.\"Ms Brooks: \"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?\"Harry: \"Pockets.\"Ms Brooks: \"What does a dog do that a man steps into?\"Harry: \"Pants\"Ms Brooks: What's a start with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, anddelicious and contains thin whitish liquid?Harry: CoconutMs Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,Harry was taking charge.Harry: BubblegumMs Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and adog do on three legs?The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.Harry: Shake handsMs Brooks: Now I will ask some \"Who am I\" sort of questions, okay?Harry: Yep.Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. Iget wet before you do.Harry: TentMs Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. Thebest man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.Harry: Wedding RingMs Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blowme, you feel good.Harry: NoseMs Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.Harry: ArrowMs Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot ofheat and excitement?Harry: Fire truckThe principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, \"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Science\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first. \"Tell me,\" said he, \"if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?' The inmate said, \"It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful.\" \"Marvelous,\" said the head of the institution. \"Or else,\" ruminated the inmate. \"I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists.\" \"Absolutely,\" said the head. \"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution.\" \"An interesting possibility,\" said the head. \"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle.quot;" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Mary led off: \"I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,\" she said proudly, \"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.\" \"Very good,\" said the teacher. Little Sally was next: \"I sold magazines,\" she said, \"I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events.\" \"Very good, Sally,\" said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.\"$2,467,\" he said. \"$2,467!\" cried the teacher, \"What in the world were you selling?\" \"Tooth brushes,\" said Little Johnny. \"Tooth brushes,\" echoed the teacher, \"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?\" \"I found the busiest corner in town,\" said Little Johnny, \"I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing. Hey, this tastes like dog crap! Then I would say..............\" It is dog crap.\" Wanna buy a toothbrush?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A husband and wife decided they needed to use \"code\" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, \"Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter\". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, \"Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.\" The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, \"Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.\" The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, \"Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A little boy goes to the local mall to see Santa. When Santa askes the little boy what he wants for Christmas, the little boy replies, \"I don't know\". So Santa starts thinking of things that the little boy might like and spells it out. Each time he says a letter, he pushes the boys nose. B-I-K-E. C-A-T.Etc. Santa runs out of ideas and asks the little boy one more time what he wants for Christmas. The little boy says, \"I want some P-U-S-S-Y, and I know you have some because I can smell it on your fingers." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An old woman is going up in a lift in a very Iavish department store when a young, beautiful woman gets in, smelling of expensive scent. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly: 'Romance by Ralph Lauren, £100 a bottle.' Then another young woman gets in the lift, She also turns to the old woman and sayssnootily: chanel No 5, £150 a bottle.' A few floors later, the old woman has reached her destination. As she gets out, she looks both woman in the eye, then turns round, bends over and farts, saying: 'broccoli, 25p a pound.'" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.\"If you'll just learn to cook,\" he said, \"we can fire the chef.\"\"Okay,\" she said. \"And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Recently a \"Husband Super Store\" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands... First floor The door had a sign saying, \"These men have jobs and love kids.\" The women read the sign and said, \"Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?\" So up they went. Second floor The sign read, \"These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.\" \"Hmmm,\" said the ladies, \"But, I wonder what's further up?\" Third floor This sign read, \"These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.\" \"Wow,\" said the women, \"Very tempting.\" But there was another floor, so further up they went. Fourth floor This door had a sign saying \"These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.\" \"Oh, mercy me,\" they cried, \"Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went. Fifth floor The sign on that door said, \"This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, \"Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?\" The husband just looked at his wife and said, \"What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?  A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, \"Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?\" \"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?\" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. \"Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?\" He just looked at her and said \"What do I look like, Bob Vila?\" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV. One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either. His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, \"Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?\" She replied nonchalantly, \"Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything.\" \"Wow, did he charge us anything?\" asked the husband. \"No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him\" she said. \"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?\" asked the husband. \"Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.What can we do?SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.SM: It's not workingSL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical.Then Sister Logical arrives...SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.SM: And?SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.SM: What did you do?SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.SM: Oh, no! What happened then?SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down........(And those of you who thought it would be a dirty ending, Pray for forgiveness you heathens!)" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three old ladies are sitting in the park on a beautiful spring day feeding the pigeons and the squirrels, when suddenly, a man in a long trench coat jumps in front of them and throws open his coat. He's completely naked under his jacket. The three old ladies haven't seen such a thing in a very long time, and their blood pressure shoots up quickly. The first old lady lets out a gasp and has a stroke. The second old lady sees this and it's too much for her ” she gasps and has a stroke, too. The third old lady didn't have a stroke ” she was sitting too far away and couldn't reach." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, \"Vietnam, 1969.\" The other points his thumb behind him and says, \"Dog crap, 20 feet back.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The father of 17 kids goes to the doc's with a rash on his belly. \"All right\" says the Doc, \"drop 'em and let's have a look.\" Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims \"Yes, you've got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls you've got. They're truly remarkable!\".The patient is a bit embarrassed and says \"Look Doc, what about the rash?\"\"Oh that's easy,\" said the Doc, \"Here's some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, my I ask.....\"\"No,\" said the patient, \"You can't. Now, is that all Doc?\"\"Well, \" said the Doctor, \" You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I've ever seen!\"The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day.\"What?\" she yells, \"Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I haven't even got time to wipe my arse!\"\"Ah\" he said, \"And that's another thing I wanted to talk to you about...\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A husband and wife went to dinner and celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary. Afterwards they returned home and went to their patio to relax with a glass of wine and to reflect on their fifty years together.After a while the husband said to his wife: Honey in all the years together, was there ever a time when you were unfaithful to me?The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Oh yes there was one time early in our marriage. Remember when you had lost your job and the bank was going to foreclose on the house. I made a trip to town, saw the banker and we got the loan extended until you returned to work. The husband thinks for a bit and says: Wow honey, you saved our home; I guess I can 't really hold it against you for being unfaithful that one time. Was there ever another time?The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Oh yes there was one other time. Remember when you had gotten sick and needed an operation or you would die, but we didn 't have any insurance. I made a trip to town, saw the doctor and you got the operation..The husband thinks for a bit and says: Wow honey, you saved my life; I guess I can 't really hold it against you for being unfaithful that time either. Was there another time?The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Well there was just one other time. Remember when you were running for club president and you only needed 58 more votes .." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.He went to his wife and said, \"I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.\"When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, \"Have you been fooling around on me?\"His wife confessed, \"Not this time.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. \"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.\" The first man said, \"You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.\" The agent replies, \"Then you're not the right man for this job.\" The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. \"I tried, but I can't kill my wife.\" The agent replies, \"You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.\" Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, \"You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, \"Reading my book.\" The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, \"But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!\" Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, \"If you do that, I will charge you with rape.\" The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, \"But I didn't even touch you.\" To which the lady replied, \"Yeah, but you have all the equipment!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Women's Bumper-Stickers ----------------------- SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME. GOD MADE US SISTERS; PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN...SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN-AND I HAVE A GUN. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO, BUT LIKE...WHO CARES? NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY? SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it.The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says, \"I don't feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another pill I can handle this.\" So the wife takes another pill. Same thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same thing. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling nothing. He is convinced that women are complete wuses. He tells her, \"Take another pill. This isn't hurting me at all. Let me take all the pain away.\" So she does. Now they are both feeling great.A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. The next day they take their newborn son home, and there they find the mailman dead on the doorstep." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"The car won't start,\" aid a wife to her husband. \"I think there's water in the carburettor.\"\"How do you know?\" said the husband scornfully. \"You don't even know what the carburettor is.\"\"I'm telling you,\" repeated the wife, \"I'm sure there's water in the carburettor.\"\"We'll see,\" mocked the husband. \"Let me check it out. Where's the car?\"\"In the swimming pool.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, \"This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!\" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.The driver, obviously confused, says to him, \"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?\"\"Ma'am,\" the officer replies, \"You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.\"\"Slower than the speed limit?\" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!\" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that \"22\" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.\"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time.\" the officer asks.\"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This guy had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off. One day his wife came home with a diamond neckless. The guy asked: \"Where did you get that?\" His wife replied: \"I won it at bingo.\" The next night she came home with a mink coat. The guy asked: \"Where did you get that?\" His wife replied: \"I won it at bingo.\" The next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz. The guy asked: \"Where did you get that?\" His wife replied: \"I won it at bingo. Please go upstairs and run my bath for me.\" His wife came upstairs to find a very small amount of water in the tub. The wife asked: \"How come you put so little water in the tub?\" The guy replied: \"I didn't want you to wet your bingo card\"." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.\"You aren't so good in bed either!\" he shouted and stormed off to work.By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.\"What took you so long to answer?\"\"I was in bed.\"\"What were you doing in bed this late?\"\"Getting a second opinion.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "On the fourth day of their honeymoon, the 21 year old bride was begging for mercy from her 75 year old husband. Rather than endure yet another lovemaking session, she slipped out of the room while he was showering and went to the hotel coffee shop. The waitress, who had served the couple breakfast each day, was shocked at the woman's appearance. \"Honey, you're just a young thing,\" she remarked, \"but you look like hell. What's up?\"\"I've been double-crossed,\" the miserable bride moaned. \"When he said he'd been saving up for 50 years, I thought he meant CASH!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does whenMary Clancey came up to him in tears.\"What's bothering you so, dear?\" inquired Farther O'Grady.\"Oh, father, I've got terrible news.\" Replied Mary.\"Well what is it, Mary?\"\"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father.\"\"Oh, Mary\" said the father, \"that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?\"\"Well, yes he did father,\" replied Mary.\"What did he ask, Mary?\"Mary replied, \"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. After finishing, they then made off for home. The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, \"These girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.\" \"That's nothing, said the other husband, \"Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, \"From All of Us At the Fire Station, We'll Never Forget You.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A policeman sent his wife and child to a sea resort for a vacation. After a week he joins them in the hotel. Since he's been away from his wife for a week, he wants to make love with her. \"No darling, we can't do it here\" she says, \"our kid is watching us.\" \"You're right\" he says, \"let's go to the beach.\" After a while, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman appears. \"Put your clothes on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!\" \"You're right\", said the husband, \"but it was a moment of weakness. We didn't see each other for a week. By the way, I'm a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you were to fine me.\" \"Don't worry, you're a colleague and it's your first time. But this is the third time I caught her making love on this beach in the last week and she'll have to pay for it!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three young women in there thirties are on a road trip and are tearing down the freeway. unfortunatley, they lose control, the car flips over the guard rail on to the opposite lanes and gets smashed by an eighteen wheeler. Up at the pearly gates, all three of them are greeted by St. Peter. He tells them. \"All of you led very good lives down on earth, so all of you will be asmitted into paradise. The only rule: DON\"T STEP ON THE DUCKS.\"confused, they all ask \"um...what?\"St. Peter says \"if you step on one duck, it quacks. if a duck quacks, other ducks will start quacking, and...well...you'll see.\"With that, the gates opened and the three waltzed inside. And, sure enough, All of heaven is covered with ducks. there is almost no room to walk with the millions of ducks.a day of careful stepping later, the first woman steps on a duck. seconds later, every single duck in heaven is quacking. it's so loud the women aren't suprised if earth could hear it. hours later, when the quacking ceased, an angel appears with a ver ugly man and chains him to the lady and tells her this is her eternal punishment for the duck-stepping. Not wanting the same fate, the other two women become very cautious for the next week, but sure enough, the second lady steps on a duck.she gets the same punishment as the first lady.The third lady becomes so careful that, a year-and-a-half later, she is still duck-free. then, an angel appears next to her with a very handsome man and chains him to her. Thinking that this must be a reward for her good-doing she asks the man gleefully \"What did I do to deserve this?\"And the man replies with a grimace, \"I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.\"" } ]