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Now I have anger and trust issues. How can I treat this and fix myself? | I endured sexual and physical abuse by my brother as child | I will assume that for whatever reason, you either do not want to or are not able to seek counseling for this. However, I highly urge you to do so because long-term childhood abuse does have negative consequences for your life as an adult, as it seems you are already aware.There are confidential and free crisis hotlines that you can call that deal with sexual abuse. Some/most also offer free counseling services in local areas. That would be a good place to start looking, especially if cost of counseling is an issue.The important thing to know is that what happened was not your fault and that you deserve to live a happy life free of the past. Having anger and trust issues after something like this is a perfectly normal reaction to what happened to you. Angry? Yes! At your brother for what he did, at your parents for not protecting you. Having trouble trusting? Of course! The very people who were supposed to love and protect you hurt you instead. Two books that might help you are Codependent No More and Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin. |
When I got home, my boyfriend and I got into an argument. He got upset and he started hitting his face. That is the first time he has ever done that, but I would be lying if I said that didn't scare me. I locked myself in the room. | Why did my boyfriend hit himself in the face during an argument? | Sounds scary to watch. I agree with you!Maybe he felt so overwhelmed by anger, hurt and frustration that he went back to an old behavior from his past in which someone hit him for having strong emotions.Now that the incident is past, bring up the topic to him so the two of you can discuss it.Just the fact of you having empathy and caring what he was feeling at the time, may be restorative to him.At the very least, you may find out exactly what the answer is to your question as to why he did this in the first place! |
When I got home, my boyfriend and I got into an argument. He got upset and he started hitting his face. That is the first time he has ever done that, but I would be lying if I said that didn't scare me. I locked myself in the room. | Why did my boyfriend hit himself in the face during an argument? | Seeing your boyfriend hitting his face sounds very scary! Sometimes when people are experiencing strong emotions the emotional pain becomes so overwhelming that they try to relieve the emotional pain by causing themselves physical pain. It is a dysfunctional way of calming themselves down. I dont know your boyfriend or your boyfriends history so I cant know for sure if that was what was happening, but I am certainly glad that he does not do that on a regular basis. When you are both feeling calm, and if you feel comfortable, talk to him about what happened. It is difficult to be in a relationship when you are scared and dont understand why the other person engaged in a frightening behavior. If you feel safe enough and do not worry about his reaction, I would talk to him about your feelings regarding what happened. If you dont feel safe enough and are worried about his reaction or that he might hurt you, talk to someone who knows you or a therapist who you could feel comfortable confiding in so that they could guide you on how to move forward. |
My roommate is a unapologetic person who doesn't care who she hurts. She never apologizes to me or my family. She made me lose my temper today to the point where I was using swear words in front of my mom and brother. | How do I not be angry all the time? | Anger is a secondary emotion, figuring out what you felt before the anger, hurt, embarrassment, disrespect. Once you identify the underlying feeling you can address the anger. |
My roommate is a unapologetic person who doesn't care who she hurts. She never apologizes to me or my family. She made me lose my temper today to the point where I was using swear words in front of my mom and brother. | How do I not be angry all the time? | Anger is a natural and healthy emotion that everyone feels from time to time. But when you find yourself being caught off guard with unexpected anger or feeling anger at a time when you cant express it, it can be difficult to cope with. So, what can you do when you find yourself feeling anger unexpectedly? Below are some strategies to help you keep your calm and respond appropriately.1. Acknowledge Your FeelingsWhen youre caught off guard with anger, you might start to feel defensive or emotional and not immediately know why. Before you do or say anything, assess your feelings and acknowledge that youre angry, and what is the likely cause of the anger. Our children got in a fight her child started, and shes wrongfully blaming my daughter.2. Take a BreathAs you acknowledge youre upset, stop and take a breath. Put physical distance between you and the other person by taking a couple of steps back.3. Be Curious Instead of FuriousIf you have difficulty controlling your anger, it can be all too easy to jump instantly into furious mode and unleash your anger. Instead of being angry, be curious. Consider why this person is behaving this way, or saying these things. Maybe they had a bad morning or heard some upsetting news.4. Its Not PersonalRemind yourself that this isnt personal to you. Oftentimes when people are behaving inappropriately or saying hurtful things, its because of things going on with them in their own lives. Practice reminding yourself that its not personal to you.5. Use I StatementsWhen youre upset, it might not always be appropriate to respond. Sometimes its best to just walk away. But if you do need to say something, focus on the behavior you find unacceptable without placing blame. Talk specifically about your feelings and the effect of the behavior on you. By communicating without placing blame, you are more likely to be understood and work toward a resolution, rather than putting the other person on defense and starting a conflict.If youre still feeling upset after a difficult exchange, try calling a friend to vent, write your feelings down in a letter youll never send, or do some exercise. Go for a walk, or join a friend for spin class. Do something nice for yourself later, like cooking a special dinner or taking a hot bath. When it comes to anger, remember that in the long run its best for you to control it, rather than allow it to control you.Are you having difficulty managing your emotions? Is anger beginning to have a significant negative impact on your life and relationships? A licensed mental health professional specializing in anger management can help. Visit denvermhc.com today and we can schedule an appointment to talk. |
My roommate is a unapologetic person who doesn't care who she hurts. She never apologizes to me or my family. She made me lose my temper today to the point where I was using swear words in front of my mom and brother. | How do I not be angry all the time? | You must be feeling frustrated about how to resolve this. Some people seem to really provoke emotional responses in us. One thing to learn for a quick review of yourself when you are provoked is to pay attention to your body.Notice your heart rate, fists clenched, some warmth going through your body and these are signs that the interaction is toxic for you. Move out of the room, say something calling to both of you and let things simmer down before responding.When you are able to calm your body, think of ways to bring the issue to her attention using positive words but holding your ground. If she doesn't listen ask someone to come with you to talk to her about it, If she still won't listen, reassess your expectations of her.Finally if you need to , you may have to consider changing the status of your rooming together. |
My roommate is a unapologetic person who doesn't care who she hurts. She never apologizes to me or my family. She made me lose my temper today to the point where I was using swear words in front of my mom and brother. | How do I not be angry all the time? | Must you keep this roommate in your life?If you've tried speaking with the person about your unhappiness to feel angry "all the time" , the problem has been going on for an extended amount of time and nothing changes, then the next step would be for both of you to part ways.It is possible each of you triggers the other in very deep and irrational ways on occasion.If the choice is to tolerate being triggered or to dissolve the relationship, then your decision is which of these two choices is better for you.Since you already know you don't like to be triggered, parting ways as soon as reasonably possible, seems the choice you prefer.Either choice is fine. Let the decision depend on which way makes you feel life is livable and happy! |
Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem? | Why do I get angry so easily? | You easily get angered because you haven't trained your mind to ration how your brain interprets the events you experience. As a result you act after an event happens because you do not ration and question to find out if your interpretations of events are rational and legitimate.Anger is an emotion that communicates to us that something is not right and we feel threatened and have to fight back in self defense. All it takes is one event to be trigged and the rest is history. Anger management can help you identify what triggers you so that you can train yourself to be able to interpret events in a rational way.Anger is not the problem, it is what we do when we get angry that is the problem. |
Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem? | Why do I get angry so easily? | Its important to think to yourself about what it is about losing the comb that gets you so angry. What are the thoughts that go through your mind when things that are out of your control (like losing the comb) happen? Its okay to be upset, but some self-awareness about whats going on to cause those feelings is important, and only you can know what thoughts are going through your mind when you find yourself becoming angry. Is it that you feel badly about yourself when these small things happen? If thats the case then you need to work on your self-esteem. Is it that you are frightened when you dont know where something is and that causes the anger? Try to identify the thought behind the feeling.As for the throwing things when you become angry- please know, its okay to feel angry. Feeling the emotion of anger isnt necessarily a problem. Any emotion is okay to have. Its how we express our emotions that sometimes becomes the problem. Throwing things can be a dysfunctional way of handling anger (like if the things you throw break, or if someone sees you throwing things and becomes scared) and it would be a good idea to work with a therapist or anger management coach to brainstorm some healthier ways to express your feelings. |
Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem? | Why do I get angry so easily? | Anger does have its place. When anger is experienced often or the magnitude of it does not fit the scenario, such as your losing comb, the question becomes, what does losing that comb mean to you? In the very split second that you have realized the comb is missing, there is a reaction that occurs within you, accompanied by an image or thought that like lightening flashes so quickly that you may not be aware what it is. As Sherry noted below, awareness. Awareness is fundamental. Becoming aware of ourselves and what is happening internal that sparks it off. The next time you feel angry from a "small thing", stop and ask yourself, why am I angry that this is lost? Find out what you are thinking or how you are speaking to yourself. You will become aware and once you are aware, steps can be taken to alter the experience for the better. A professional can assist with that! |
Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem? | Why do I get angry so easily? | I don't like the word "problem". It is such a strong word. However I would say that you have an issue that needs to be addressed and controlled before it directed at the wrong person and gets totally out of control. I have found that anger management classes has been helpful for my clients. Try and see if it will help. You will be surprised at what you learn about your self. |
Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem? | Why do I get angry so easily? | Anyone who asks whether or not they have a problem, usually feels at least partly, that they do have a problem.Your answer to the question is what matters.Since you already understand that your reaction is overstated to the events which trigger them, the reactions you're having are more than likely anger that is leftover from past events, either in the near or distant past.Be aware, consider, reflect on how you usually handle feeling angry. Based on your description here, it is quite likely that the anger you show toward what you call "little things" reflect anger at much bigger matters that are uncomfortable and not easy to understand.Knowing more about the more significant matters causing frustration for you, may very likely decrease reacting angrily toward smaller matters. |
When I think of things people put me through in the past, I get upset all over again and take it out on everyone. I'll be mad for nothing at all and have a attitude with everyone for no reason. | How can I stop overthinking and getting upset easily? | It sounds like you have had difficulty in processing what happened to you in the past and because of that difficulty in moving past what happened to you, when you are reminded of what happened you get angry all over again. Please know that it IS possible to remember what happened but to also not have the same emotional response. It is very common to have difficulty processing a traumatic situation that occurred in the past. Many people go through this. A good therapy designed to assist with this type of issue is EMDR. Try to find a therapist who is trained in EMDR to help you with processing these memories so that you dont have the same emotional response every time you think about what happened. Best of luck to you! |
When I think of things people put me through in the past, I get upset all over again and take it out on everyone. I'll be mad for nothing at all and have a attitude with everyone for no reason. | How can I stop overthinking and getting upset easily? | You're definitely not mad at "nothing".I agree with your point about not emitting your upset about internal matters onto people who have nothing to do with what bothers you.Your internal stressors are real, otherwise you wouldn't feel the way you describe.Take time to understand what bothers you about past situations and leave open the amount of time you will need to feel finished with examining these topics.The more thoroughly you understand yourself, the less likely you will be to bring past stressors into current relationships. |
I get really mad easily at my parents and family. | How can I be less angry? | Anger is usually pain and frustration which cannot be expressed directly to people in your surroundings.How someone can be less angry is by directly saying your thoughts and feelings.One approach is to to tell either or both parent that you would like them to hear you.Knowing you tried to be heard adds to your own self-respect, regardless of their willingness to do as you ask.If you are simply left with no chance to make yourself understood by them, then look for ways to expand your social support system so you do have people who willingly hear and talk with you.Even if social media groups are the only format available to you, it is at least some type of human interaction and interest in who you are |
I get really mad easily at my parents and family. | How can I be less angry? | Anger is not necessarily a bad thing. If you are angry and you can talk about your feelings, that would be very helpful. Anger usually comes along with something else, like feeling sad, worried, overwhelmed, confused, and many others. Consider looking at what you notice in addition to anger and you may have a different starting point. If you get along well with friends and don't get angry with them, look at the differences. Do you feel criticized by your parents or family? Misunderstood? There could be any number of things.I wonder if you start getting angry very slowly and it builds or if it happens quickly. Try to keep an eye on the patterns and see if you can stop and look at what else is going on as you start to get angry. Anger is a real emotion in itself. It almost always connects to something else as well. |
I snap easy and push people away. I need help before I push my boyfriend away. | How can I control myself and my anger? | Death of someone with whom we had fond involvement, is sad. Accepting that a person is permanently gone from this earth, is unsettling and can feel painful.That you had no current contact with this person doesn't exclude the meaning or feelings from within your relationship with this person. Relationships don't require a time measurement in order to affect us. Your question acknowledges the process of adjusting to life without the chance to see or hear from this person again.It is normal to grieve so be gentle and not critical of yourself when you feel yourself missing this person. |
I snap easy and push people away. I need help before I push my boyfriend away. | How can I control myself and my anger? | Meditation may be able to assist you in dealing and looking at your anger differently. Anger is not usually just anger. Behind our anger may lie rejection, grief, loneliness, a longing to reconnect, etc. When we ignore or repress our anger, we are always ignoring these other emotions as well.Meditation is the midpoint between expressing and repressing anger. It allows us a space to stay present with it as it arises and recognize the many faces of anger. By doing this, we are able to become aware of our feelings to learn more about them and not be swept away by them.Learn more here: https://www.therapybyshannon.com/blog-2/2019/4/26/meditate-to-manage-anger |
I snap easy and push people away. I need help before I push my boyfriend away. | How can I control myself and my anger? | Awareness is the first step. Now that you know that you snap and push people away, you can look into ways to control your anger. If you give yourself the time to analyze why you experience anger, you will discover that there are other feelings underneath; shame, frustration, disappointment, and fear are some of the feelings that we cover with anger when we are not ready to deal with them or dont know how to express them. So next time you feel angry, even if you snap (with practice you will be able to identify them ahead of time), identify why you are angry, and try to express it out loud. A therapist can help you to learn assertive communication skill using examples drawn from your daily experiences.If you would like to engage in therapy, I am licensed in Texas and Puerto Rico, you can contact me at 787-466-5478.Cmo puedo controlarme y a mi coraje?Exploto fcilmente y alejo a las personas. Necesito ayudo antes de hacer que mi novio se aleje.Tener conciencia de la situacin es el primer paso. Ahora que sabes que explotas y alejas a las personas, puedes buscar maneras de controlar tu enojo. Si te das tiempo para analizar porque te da coraje, descubrirs que hay otras emociones escondidas, la vergenza, la frustracin, la decepcin y el miedo son algunas de las emociones que cubrimos con coraje cuando no estamos listos para revelarlas, procesarlas o expresarlas. As que la prxima vez que ests a punto de explotar, o cuando ya hayas explotado (con la practica uno aprende a identificarlas de antemano), identifica por que estas enojada e intenta expresarlo en voz alta. Un consejero te puede ayudar aprender tcnicas de comunicacin asertiva usando ejemplos de tu vida cotidiana.Si te gustara hacer terapia, soy Consejera Profesional Licenciada en Texas y en Puerto Rico, llama al 787-466-5478. |
I get angry and act out. It scares my wife and child. | How can I control my temper? | Anger is a normal emotion, no different than joy, elation, or sadness. It's not anger that gets us in trouble it's the overtness of the emotion or how we allow it to manifest that gets us in trouble. Being able to control your temper depends on several variables: how you saw anger acted out as a child in terms of your primary caregivers and what you internalized as being normal in terms of managing conflict, and your communication style regarding how you confront problematic situations. There are some whose anger takes on a volcano effect whereby they don't readily address problematic situations but rather they continue to stuff their emotion until the right trigger causes them them to explode, and then there are those who are very impulsive in terms of how they react to stressful situations, they don't take time to think out situations or to make sense of them, they just impulsively respond. I would encourage you to seek anger management from a therapist who utilizes a Cognitive Behavioral approach in order that you may explore how your irrational thinking related to certain situations may be influencing your problematic behavior. In addition, I would encourage you to engage in activities that promote stress reduction if your blowups are indeed related to being overly stressed. The first step is recognizing that you have a problem that you need help in understanding and addressing, which you have, now take the next step in finding a therapist in order that you may learn to control your temper and undo some faulty wiring that may be related to how you process emotion, and communicate that you're angry. Remember, anger is the overt expression of some other emotion (i.e., disappointment, hurt, frustration, etc..) Hope this helps... |
I get angry and act out. It scares my wife and child. | How can I control my temper? | Well, yes, of course it scares them. They see someone they love behaving is frightening ways. That's a good reason to want to manage your emotions differently...but what are your thoughts on your anger? Do you think your angry feelings justify lashing out?The thing is that feeling angry is just that...feeling. Acting out is behavior and that affects everyone around you. Do you need to manage your behavior, as well as your feelings? My guess is that you do.First you need to pay better attention to your feelings "thermostat". If you are always near "boiling" you don't have much margin for error. It's in your best interest, and that of your family, to bring that temperature down. That may mean more physical activity, meditation, journaling or some other outlet.The next, and bigger, question is what are you so mad about? Or are you really sad, scared, confused? Anger is a secondary emotion, much like pneumonia is a secondary infection. Anger, which sets us up to defend ourselves against a perceived danger, is often a cover for feelings that leave us more vulnerable. That means people who are grieving may exhibit rage; people who are scared may lash out.That doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it might explain it. Get in t o see a therapist ASAP. You need a bit of help to identify both anger triggers and underlying feelings that get played out as anger. You are not a bad person for exhibiting emotions, but anger can quickly become destructive - get help now! |
I get angry and act out. It scares my wife and child. | How can I control my temper? | Yes you can.. If you cannot control your temper, who can? You have more power of your emotions, thoughts and feeling than you are giving yourself credit for. If this is scaring your wife and child, you need to get control of it immediately. Try going to an anger management class. It will help to discover what is the root cause of your anger, what triggers it and how you can control/manage it. If you can't go to a class, try self help books or even better yet counseling and support of a professional counselor. |
We're in an eight year relationship. My boyfriend drinks a lot. He experienced childhood trauma. I don't know how to deal with violent outbursts. | How do I deal with my alcoholic boyfriend with a dark past? | You shouldn't need to educate yourself on violent outbursts. He is the one in the position to change his violent outbursts. They are his behavior, not yours. All you're trying to do is have a relationship with this guy.The one task to do is during a quiet time to tell your boyfriend the way you feel about his outbursts.His answer, whether he denies having a problem, blames you for his problem, tells you the problem isn't so bad, why are you complaining, tells you a lot about his willingness to change.Whether or not he considers himself to have a problem and wants to change himself, is very good for you to know.This tells you what to expect from him in future. You can reflect and plan ahead for your own life depending on your tolerance and willingness to live with what he answers you. |
We're in an eight year relationship. My boyfriend drinks a lot. He experienced childhood trauma. I don't know how to deal with violent outbursts. | How do I deal with my alcoholic boyfriend with a dark past? | First, let me extend my compassion to both of you -- it sounds like you have a lot on your plates. Childhood trauma carries its negative effects into our adulthood and affects everyone who loves us.Your question is brief, so I'll just try to give general answers as best I can. From my experiences treating many people with your boyfriend's experiences, the short, healthy answer is that you can't fix the situation and maybe not even be able to help. He needs a professional. Period.What you cando, is take care of yourself. With his background, it is not likely that he will be able to help you or take care of you in a healthy way. Your task needs to prioritize your own safety and well-being. Trauma and substance abuse are the definition of being out of control, unable to set and manage appropriate boundaries, manage his own emotions and behaviors. So your boyfriend is unlikely to be able to change in the near-term, certainly not without professional help. You might also benefit from help and support, to understand your own role in your relationship and how you can make changes in your life. I am NOT blaming you for any aspect of your boyfriend's behavior, only acknowledging that there are two people in every relationship. If you have accepted your boyfriend's drinking and violent outbursts in the past (by staying in the relationship), that is likely to perpetuate his behavior. And there isn't any way to "handle violent outbursts." They shouldn't be handled at all, and if you have to be away from your boyfriend during his outbursts in order to be emotionally and physically safe, then that may be what you will have to do.We can never really change anyone else. The only person we can change is ourselves. Sometimes our behavior changes the odds of another person's behaviors, but it doesn't control it. I would recommend that you work with a professional to first, ensure your own safety above all. Then make decisions about what behavior you are willing to accept or be connected to, and which you want to separate from. Whatever your boyfriend does in his life, you will be happier if you manage your own feelings, set boundaries, etc. Let me say again that you also would benefit from some good insight and support as you continue your journey.Wishing you and your boyfriend healing and recovery. |
Any time things get heated, the past gets brought up. I raise my voice at her to try to get a point across. She asks open-ended questions but always has to turn my own answer against me. She's seven months pregnant. I have drank in the past, but I'm not dependent on alcoholI only drink at social events. | My girlfriend always brings up past events and talks negatively about them | Have you tried to talk about the subjects of the past, in the present at a time in which there is no heat between the two of you?Since your gf would like to resolve situations from the past the best way to do so would be to talk about them. The more you try to avoid certain subjects the more likely they will come up between you at worse possible moments.If you can get ahead of the pattern of old topics coming up without your control, then try scheduling a discussion about them. This by itself will show your gf you care about what she cares about and this may be one quality she would feel good about. |
Everything just makes me upset. | How can I just be happy and not mad all the time? | Anger often comes with a lot of other emotions. Consider what else you may be feeling at the same time and keep track of your different mood changes. You may be able to notice patterns, such as being more frustrated when you don't sleep well. If you do feel as though you are mad all the time, can you think of any exceptions so you can see what is different in those times? |
My long-term girlfriend broke up with me recently. She says it's because of my anger. | I need help controlling my anger | I need help controlling my anger.Anger is like a blanket that contains other emotion from bursting out and serves as a shield to protect us when we are not able to manage external issues. Anger also helps us understand that theres something wrong that needs to change. Once we understand that something else caused us to feel angry, then we can explore the source of anger.Ask yourself: Why am angry, Am I hurt, disappointed, confused, embarrassed etc.? Once you find the answer, explore how often that happens and whats your reaction. Then explore how else you could respond or react. You could use I-statements as a way to communicate your true feelings to your girlfriend or whoever is involved in the scenario. This is a good exercise to practice with your Counselor or mental health provider because many unresolved issues may arise during this exploration, especially if you have been angry for a long timeAlso, it is important to understand the difference between anger and aggressionand learn to manage our anger before we act on it. Anger is a feeling; aggression is when you act out your anger physically, verbally and psychologically. Find ways to vent: crying or sweating will help to release your anger, and balance the chemical response that our body creates when you become angry. Physical activity and meditation exercises can also provide a break when you manage strong emotions.Necesito ayuda para controlar mi coraje.El coraje es como una manta que cubre otras emociones evitando que se desborden y sirve como un escudo que nos protege cuando no podemos manejar problemas externos. El coraje tambin nos ayudo a entender que hay algo mal que debemos cambiar. Cuando entendemos que algo mas causo el coraje entonces podemos explorar la fuente.Pregntate a ti mismo: Por qu tengo coraje, estoy herido, decepcionado, confundido, avergonzado, etc.? Ya que encuentres la respuesta, explora cuan frecuente tienes esa reaccin. Luego explora como puedes reaccionar en otra ocasin. Puedes usar expresiones del Yo para comunicar tus verdaderos sentimientos a la persona envuelta en la situacin. Esto es un buen ejercicio para practicar con tu Consejero o profesional de la salud mental ya que otros conflictos sin resolver pueden surgir durante este proceso de exploracin.Tambin es importante entender la diferencia entre el coraje y la agresin, y aprender a manejar el coraje antes que actuemos. El coraje es un sentimiento y la agresin es cuando expresas tu coraje agrediendo a alguien, fsica, emocional o sicolgicamente. Encuentra maneras de desagotare, llorar o sudar te pueden ayudar en este proceso al balancear la respuesta qumica que crea el cuerpo cuando estamos molestos. El la actividad fsica y la meditacin tambin pueden ayudarte a relajarte y tomar un descanso cuando manejas emociones fuertes. |
My son claims that hes been having extremely violent thoughts and dreams. Not violent like he's hurting someone, but violent thoughts like horrible things happening to his loved ones. He explained one of his dreams the other day and it was so violent it was sickening. It was far beyond anything in a horror movie, he says he can't help these thoughts they just pop up. Please help! | How do I deal with my son's violent thoughts and dreams? | If your son is reporting "extremely violent thoughts and dreams" please have an psychological evaluation done by a psychiatrist now before it gets even worse for him to bare. Don't take his reports lightly. For him to tell you, he knows that something is not right. He is seeking and needing help. Get it immediately. Best to be safe than sorry. |
My son claims that hes been having extremely violent thoughts and dreams. Not violent like he's hurting someone, but violent thoughts like horrible things happening to his loved ones. He explained one of his dreams the other day and it was so violent it was sickening. It was far beyond anything in a horror movie, he says he can't help these thoughts they just pop up. Please help! | How do I deal with my son's violent thoughts and dreams? | Let me start my stating this is important to take seriously - taking to his PCP, getting a referral to a pediatric specialist, and getting him to a relational psychotherapist would be my first tasks.I wont label this occurrences as "normal" yet it is important to note these things do occur. My first observation is to say that it is a tremendous advantage that your son is communicating what he is experiencing. I'd encourage him to continue to do so, no matter the extent of his thoughts - his trust of you being able the handle his experience is of utmost importance. His containment and sense of security is also dependent on your reaction to what he shares. Seek professional help, communicating your support, including a plan of action, and reassuring him you will figure this out together will help you as you begin. |
I been having anger problems a lot lately. It only takes one word wrongly said to set me off. I use to not be like this until I got with my soon-to-be husband. I think his mood and rage/anger problems have rubbed off on me a lot. I don't get nearly as bad as he does, but I yell almost constantly and I can't seem to just stop. I have two young babies that have to hear this, and I don't want my girls growing up with a mommy like I have been lately. I just don't know how to get back to my old self. | How can I deal with the anger problems I've gained from my soon-to-be husband? | With me knowing thata healthy relationshipusually includes respect, trust, appreciation, companionship, spiritual solidarity, domestic support, feeling of being cherished, and sensuous affection, I am wondering if you are lacking in several if not all of these needs in your present relationship. Before he becomes your husband, you should examine these areas and see if they are high in rating. Otherwise, yes this relationship will affect your girls and you negatively. I would suggest relationship counseling, specifically pre-marital. Not be surprised if through the process you realize that this relationship is not the best choice for you and your children. |
I been having anger problems a lot lately. It only takes one word wrongly said to set me off. I use to not be like this until I got with my soon-to-be husband. I think his mood and rage/anger problems have rubbed off on me a lot. I don't get nearly as bad as he does, but I yell almost constantly and I can't seem to just stop. I have two young babies that have to hear this, and I don't want my girls growing up with a mommy like I have been lately. I just don't know how to get back to my old self. | How can I deal with the anger problems I've gained from my soon-to-be husband? | My gut says that your own rage is being triggered partly because you feel trapped or shutdown by your fiance's moody/angry/rage responses and powerless to stop it. You can start by accepting that this is who he is and you won't change him. You can only change your own behaviours, and I see you taking responsibility for those, which is great. You want to protect your girls, and that's appropriate; children are greatly affected by this type of home environment. I urge you to see a therapist so you can understand your own emotions and sort out the choices you have to make, knowing that your fiance has to make his own choices about his behaviours. |
I have not been able to really sleep. I stay up all times of the night not even knowing why. Every day, I feel like I have anger inside of me. I have a little family, but I can't open up to them like I want to. I have a son, and I feel that I take my anger out on him by screaming at him. | How can I stop being so angry? | Best question is....what are you so angry about? You can't stop being so angry until you figure out what is the root of your anger. If you feel like you have anger inside, while I am sure you do. Taking it out on your son is only passing on the hurt and anger. This will be inside him too. Get some professional help so that you can be happy and have a happy child. |
My issue isn't resisting angry urges; it's the anger itself. My rage is extreme and vastly disproportionate to the direct stressor. It causes violent thoughts, but I never act. I stay lucid enough to know the rage is violent, not me. I don't want to drown myself in anger and resentment. | Why am I so mad? | Knowing how you feel and also being able to stabilize yourself to act upon the tremendous anger you feel, are fine qualities.Anger, whatever the magnitude, generally reflects emotional pain that has not yet been placed into words.Try thinking over your growing up years because maybe you will discover certain repeated dynamics which upset you and that no one helped you feel secure through such times.Also, if either of your parents drank too much and raged when they were drunk, you may be repeating their patterns of how to respond to situations. Even without drinking, the response patterns of yelling and throwing things are frightening enough to leave a permanent memory.If this describes part of your childhood, then it is possible you are becoming angry because it was the only emotion that either of your parents was able to express. |
Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them. | How can I control myself and learn to let things go or communicate? | Congratulations on making your way to Step One, self-observation and deciding to change a feature about how you understand and relate to others.There is extraordinary strength in being willing to notice your effect on others and consider what changes are possible.Start on the inside track of your own heart and mind. Once you're able to understand what is driving your emotions to the point where the only reasonable way of handling them is to curse and offend people, you'd have gotten a long way in knowing your own expectations of others and how far off the mark from this in your mind, they are.For example, if you expect others to always be accepting, tolerant and happy about situations with your boyfriend, and you're hearing otherwise from people, then you can prepare yourself for possible, less than positive comments about your relationship, or you can ask people to not comment to you about your relationship at all.Basically, the more you know about yourself and are willing to accept your right to ask others to respect your views, the easier and calmer time you'll have in handling comments from others that you're not glad hearing.Also, this is a long process because you'd be trying to change long time and deep patterns of interacting.Be patient with your own learning curve and certainly consider therapy for yourself in order to have some outside guidance and support for the process you're placing yourself. |
Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them. | How can I control myself and learn to let things go or communicate? | Taking accountability for your actions and seeking help is an excellent first step. I wonder where the anger is coming from. Learning what is at the root of it can shed some light on what the problem is and can provide some relief in itself. I would also suggest doing some self-exploration and see a therapist for individual sessions in order to gain a clearer insight as to what the cause is. There are also several actions you can take on your own to help control your anger and communicate more effectively.Here is what I would recommend you try: Take time outs: When you feel yourself becoming upset, excuse yourself and take a time out to either think about the most appropriate course of actionor redirect your thoughts all together. Often when webecome angry, it is difficult to see the issue clearly, as our emotionsget in the way. Do deep breathing exercises: Close your eyes. Breathe in slowly to the count of 4. Breathe out even slower to the count of 6. Practice this for about 5 minutes, 3 times a day and focus on nothing except your breathing during this time. Once it becomes routine for you, it will be easier to apply during situations in which you are angry or upset. Change negative thought patterns: Try and recall or be aware of your thoughts, particularly when you are feeling angry. What are these thoughts telling you? Are they valid or logical? Is there factual evidence to support the negative thoughts? Often the answer is "no." Learn to stop the negative thoughts and replace them with logical andmore positive ones. Communicate effectively: As a speaker, you want to use "I" statements by telling the other person how you feel instead of blaming him/her by using "you" statements. For example, you might say something such as, "I feel sad when you don't come home at a decent hour and I don't get to spend time with you" versus "You always stay out late and don't even care about me." The speaker should also avoid using black and white language such as always, never, etc. As the listener, you want to validate what you hear so that the other person knows that you are listening. You will also want to be responsive and offer fair solutions. I wish you luck in using these tools and learning about where your anger comes from. |
Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them. | How can I control myself and learn to let things go or communicate? | Hi California,I'm happy to hear you want to get a hold of this problem. Relationships don't tend to last when we treat people poorly. It is very possible for you to learn different ways of relating, with some strong effort. I would highly suggest working with a therapist, and I will give you a few things to think about in the interim.Sometimes anger is there because we feel something is unjust or unfair, but many times, anger is a "secondary emotion", and it's simply there to protect us from other, more vulnerable emotions that we would rather not feel and will do anything to avoid. Discovering what vulnerable emotions you are protecting yourself from is important. Perhaps you feel powerless, or unloved, or unimportant. It may take some time before you recognise this emotion.Once you do, you can ask yourself about the other times in your life when you have felt that emotion. Where did it originate? At what age did you feel "too much" of that feeling...so much so that you can't stand it even in tiny amounts?You will learn in therapy to identify the thoughts you have that are connected to that feeling. They are typically incorrect thoughts, like "No one lifes me", or "People will always hurt me". Fear tends to generalize and predict bad things that aren't likely.Your habit is so strong that you likely have a poor sense of self-worth and you don't believe people will love you...so you hurt them to keep them at a distance. This happens in a subconscious level. Do you see how that would help you to keep people off balance or afraid or a distance away if you didn't believe in your worth? So, it's backwards really, because you think you're getting mad at people who "piss you off", but you're really just not wanting to face how mad you are at yourself.In addition to this work, you can start to purposely treat people more kindly. Find out what respect is, make amends and resolve to spreading peace. It might sound too simple, but if you act as though you're a person of peace, you will start to feel more peaceful.But I hope you do contact a therapist. It will take time and support to reach your goal. |
I don't know how to notice or express my feelings besides anger. That's really the only one i feel. | How can I be less confused about my feelings towards anything? | Well, then give yourself some credit for noticing that you recognize at least one feeling that you have!What is your own theory as to what is difficult to know your feelings? Your answer will give you clues as to unearthing your willingness to be aware of the way you feel.Sometimes the family in which someone grew up, did all they could to stop the kids from knowing who they were.In some families there were very severe consequences if a child spoke up with an independent mind. By knowing where your difficulties started, you may very well be able to release the situation in which you learned to suppress your feelings.Also, spend some time with yourself just enjoying who you are. Often, people who have difficulty in expressing themselves, suffered shame and humiliation as a child. They have a chronic sense of worthlessness, and feeling worthless certainly works against self-expression. By having a good time being with yourself, you may increase your self-appreciation and this will go a long way to believing that your feelings are worth knowing and stating. |
The sounds of eating and breathing gives me headachesmostly mouth breathing and snoring. It makes me angry, and I want to solve it myself. | I need to know how to cope with misophonia before I go completely insane | Probably good to know in what type of situations you are, in which you are hearing mouth breathing and snoring.If you're sleeping beside your partner who does these actions, would have a different response than if you overhear mouth breathing and snoring from a family member who is napping on the couch and you are walking past them on your way to take a snack in the kitchen.Basically, if the person who does these actions which bother you, start by telling them.Depending on whether they are empathetic to how distressed you are from their sounds, or not, willing to change, or not, has a good deal to do with next steps.I don't really see any step you're able to take to solve that you are sensitive to human sounds from the head.One path I don't recommend is expecting yourself to ignore the fact of being feeling bothered, or dismissing your own sensitivity someone.Your needs matter. |
I need answers to my anger, possessiveness, and urges. I am angry all the time. I push people away so much that I actually blow up on people now because they ask me how my day is or was. I have a possessiveness to someone who is not even mine. I have these urges to hurt someone really bad. I want to see them beg for me to stop hurting. I want to hear their agonizing pained-filled voices. What is wrong with me? | i need answers to my angry, possessiveness, and urges | What result are you hoping to get from the behaviors you describe?Maybe start by comparing the results you see yourself receiving from your current interactions, with how you would wish to feel from relating to others.Since you ask, "what is wrong with me?", there is a disconnect between what you are doing and what you'd like in return.This is true even with imagining doing harm to others.What are you really trying to accomplish for yourself by hurting others?Besides the unethicalness and criminality of this and legal consequences of arrest for such behaviors, what gain which is not evil, do you expect from overpowering and imagining you control another human being? |
I have a really bad temper. I get mad very easily then stay like that the whole day. I don't mean to be that way, but I can't help it. | How can I control my anger? | A lot of times the anger someone expresses is from feeling a deep level hurt within themselves. A surface situation, like, a store told you they'd have delivery of a certain item by Tuesday, and when that particular Tuesday comes, the store doesn't have what they told you they would, and you are furious.The fury may have more with many times before in your life, having been deeply let down by someone who mattered to your life at the time, who similarly promised something and failed to deliver whatever it.If at the time of feeling let down by someone important in your life, the relationship didn't allow for honest expression of all your emotions, you'd have learned to hold in what you realized would not be tolerated if you expressed it clearly.Without practice of being heard when feeling hurt by someone, eventually the person, possibly you, learned to contain and contain your emotions.It is possible that the anger you feel at a variety of situations lately, are muting hurt feelings that you've understood from relating to meaningful people in your personal history, to not talk about.As a way to find out if you feel other emotions in addition to anger, take some time to reflect on what triggered your anger and whether its possible that hurt emotions which nobody whom you know wants to hear, are really the underlying source of your upset.I hope you will enjoy some new discoveries about yourself and your emotions! |
I am so angry. I feel like the arguments with my parents have caused me so much anxiety and stress, and I don't know what to do. I want to sit down with a psychologist, but I cannot afford one, nor do I have my own health insurance. I can feel myself starting to get violent. I throw things of value when I start to get mad. I have punched holes in my wall. I can feel my aggression getting worse. | How do I manage my anger? | First off, it is great that you recognize that some changes need to be made. It is also really good that you understand where the source of your anxiety and stress comes from. Fortunately there are many self help books and internet sources that provide free tools to help you cope withlife's obstacles, including anger management. There are several strategies that you can try tohelp control your anger, but theones thatI would recomend first are the following:1.Try a different way of communicating with your parents. Sincearguing withthem is a great source of anger for you, learning more effective ways of communicating with them will likely be of great benefit.Choose a time to talk with themabout "heated issues" when everyone is calm and emotions are not heightened. Use "I phrases" by telling them how the arguments effect you, as opposed to placing blame on them.Validate what you hear your parents say in order to allow them to know that you understand their point of view.2. When you feel yourself becoming angry, take a break. Simply excuse yourself from the situation, find a quiet place to be by yourself, and do some deep breathing. Close your eyes, slowly count to four as you inhale, and exhaleeven slower, counting to 6. Focus on nothing except for your breathing and do this for 5 minutes.3. Stop any negative thoughts in their tracks. Often times when we get upset, we catastrophize and do not see things clearly. When you catch yourself thinking negatively stop the thoughts and ask yourself if your thinking is logical and rational. If you cannot find much or any evidence that your thoughts are valid, then let them go and replace them with realistic, logical thoughts.4. Finally, find a friend or someone to talk to and/or keep a journal. Keeping your emotions to yourself will not help you. Being able to express your feelings and problem solve will allow for some relief when feeling sad or angry.I wish you all the best! |
I am so angry. I feel like the arguments with my parents have caused me so much anxiety and stress, and I don't know what to do. I want to sit down with a psychologist, but I cannot afford one, nor do I have my own health insurance. I can feel myself starting to get violent. I throw things of value when I start to get mad. I have punched holes in my wall. I can feel my aggression getting worse. | How do I manage my anger? | I'm sorry you have so many arguments with your parents. Ideally parents are people who tolerate that their kids are people with their own unique characteristics.Everyone likes feeling loved by their parent. Do you feel loved even though you and them have clashes?Anger is a symptom of a problem.The real question is knowing what feels like its being hurt inside of you.I agree with your idea of talking with a psychologist or some other type of licensed professional therapist.See if your area has a family service agency in it. Generally the non-profit sectors offer sliding scale fees, and if you qualify, your cost per session would be financially comfortable for you.One possibility is to tell your parents that you'd like starting therapy because of feeling so much stress from the family arguing.They may very well be surprised to learn of your maturity in assessing your level of stress and be willing to make a positive contribution to this by offering to authorize therapy through their health insurance.They may even decide on family counseling so all of you work together to relate in more loving ways.Last, if you aren't ready to speak with your parents about wanting counseling, think about speaking to your school guidance counselor. This person may have some recommendations for your specific geographic location. |
I don't know what's with me. I'm almost constantly angry. Even when I'm happy, I still feel anger inside me. When I acknowledge it, it ruins my mood and takes over. I get angry at the littlest things. Even if I think someone said something they didn't, it infuriates me. Something perfectly normal can make me go off. When my anger flares up, I get a terrible pain in my chest that lasts for a while. It's like there is a fire constantly burning in my body, and anger is gasoline. | Why am I constantly angry? | Hi Nashville, I'm glad you want this to be different. It doesn't feel good to be angry all the time, and it's stealing your energy as well as affecting relationships, I'm sure.Working with a therapist, you can learn to recognise the deep emotions that lie underneath the anger. It's likely to be either powerlessness or worthlessness, and what happens is this... a small moment in the present touches on an old, tender, bruised emotion that we've simply felt too much of or too strongly in the past. We develop ways of avoiding these vulnerable emotions, and anger is one way of doing that.So, when someone looks at you in a certain way, or says something, you'd rather be angry than feel powerless, or unimportant (or whatever your kryptonite feeling is). In that moment, your instinct is to blame whatever happened, no matter how small, because that's the thing that happened just before you got mad. You fail to recognise that the problem is not the look on that person's face, or the shoe that someone left in front of the door...it's that you can't stand feeling something and you want to avoid it like you want to stamp your foot out if it's on fire.I suggest finding a therapist to work with. You can learn to take responsibility for your old emotions and find new ways to manage them. :) |
How do I deal with anger problems towards my mom | Anger is a natural and healthy emotion, however, it can be difficult to deal with if it becomes overwhelming and depending on what we have been taught about it and how to express it. A competent therapist may be able to help you figure out ways to relate to your anger and your mother that will feel right to you. |
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When I see something I dont like, I go off like a ticking time bomb. I go from 0 to 100 really quickly. | How can I control my anger? | Sometimes we react to situations immediately, without thinking of the consequences of our actions. Typically by not reacting right away, we are better able to gather our thoughts, see the situation more clearly and from other perspectives, and respond more calmly. One of the strategies that almost always helps is deep breathing. When faced with a stressful situation, you can give yourself a time out by removing yourself from the stress and spend 5 minutes taking deep breaths (breathe in slowly counting to 4 and breathe out even slower counting to 6), while focusing and thinkingonly about your breathing. After doing so, think of the various ways you can respond to the situation and choose the one most appropriate. Good luck! |
Every time I speak, he says I anger him. Also, when hes mad at something, like work, he gets angry at me. I feel like were so distant from each other now. We used to laugh all the time, and I feel like he lets too much negativity in. What should I do? We've been married for two years but together for seven. | My husband and I cant talk to each other without arguing | Hi, Newark. It sounds to me like your husband is going through something, and I think you understand that. You might feel very helpless, sad, and disrespected at the same time. He's changed.It's unfair for him to blame you for his emotions. His mood issues are about him, not you, and he's either not recognising that or not taking responsibility for it.Are you respecting yourself here by drawing appropriate boundaries? You can let him know when you feel disrespected, and what's not okay with you.He may be experiencing depression, which often shows up as irritability in men. It could be that he's not telling you something, or he's unaware of his emotional processes. You can try a "I'm really worried about you. You don't seem happy and I don't know how to help you. Some things are happening that aren't okay with me. Will you see a therapist?" approach. Perhaps you could go with him the first time?It's about a combination of compassion, self-respect and seeking professional help, I believe. I wish you well. |
I'm a teenager. I get random spurts of anger, like complete, pure rage. I figured it was hormones, but others notice it too. I get self-destructive. I used to cut but stopped. Now when I get mad, I bite my arms and fingers, pull my hair, scratch my face, or punch my thighs. Basically, I do things I can hide instead of breaking anything in my room and having to explain it to my mom. I don't live in a bad household. I have a great family, a great relationship with my boyfriend, and a good job. I have no idea what this is and I don't know how to control it. It's over any little thing. Tonight, it was because I couldn't get my earrings out. This happens maybe two to three times on a good week, and it's always over stupid, petty things. | Why do I get random spurts of anger over petty things? | Hi. I'm glad you wrote. In general, when a small thing bothers us (and this happens to all of us), it's because the small thing triggers an emotion in us that we have felt "too much" or "too intensely" in the past, and we don't know how to manage that emotion effectively...we just want to avoid it as quickly as possible. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy with a qualified therapist can help you to understand what is being triggered in you and learn how to manage emotions productively. You say that your behaviours are self destructive, and I agree. It sounds like you have developed a habit of channelling your distress towards self-harm, and this is a separate and potentially more serious problem. This is a choice you make that points to shame being an issue for you. Again, a good therapist can help you learn what's behind your shame and self-harm. Your feelings are normal, and you can learn more healthy ways to deal with them with qualified help. |
I'm being emotionally abused by my dad. I need advice on how to hold my temper with him | First, I'd like to say that I can't imagine what it must feel like to live in your shoes and have to be exposed to such treatment. Oftentimes, people don't recognize how serious this type of abuse can be. It's very important you first recognize that it is absolutely impossible for any of us to change a person. So the only thing you have control over is you - your response, your set boundaries, and your support system. It's very important that you set healthy boundaries, express these expectations to him, and consistently follow them. I cannot stress how important have a strong support system - a circle of caring people - who can help keep you accountable with your boundaries and who you can reach out to if you ever feel your safety is at risk. There is only so much I can explain via writing so let me know if you need any additional help. Feel free to contact me. - Natalie |
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I easily recognize this but have no control over it and need suggestions for managing my anger. | I have anger issues. I am extremely explosive about the simplest things | I suggest that you work on emotional awareness.Emotional awareness basically means knowing what you are feeling and why.Emotional awareness also means that you can identify the link between the way you are feeling and your actions. In other words knowing that your feelings dictate what you do.Often feelings of hurt or insecurity can come out as anger if we cannot properly identify and express the feelings.Being emotionally aware also means that you are able to express your feelings to others. Being unable to do so leads to feelings of frustration and being misunderstood.Many people for many different reasons are not in touch with their emotions. For example, men traditionally have been brought up taught to not express sadness or weakness. Therefore, many men learned to turn feelings of sadness, insecurities, or fears into anger and express these feelings as anger. Being taught not to feel a certain emotion does not make that emotion disappear. Instead it makes us learn how to express it in other, incorrect, ways. If a man never learns to say I am sad or that really hurt my feelings and instead lashes out in anger, then the response they get from those around them will be to the anger and not a response to the underlying true feeling, which will leave the man feeling alone and misunderstood.You can control yourself and not explode. Walk away, remove yourself from the situation, do whatever you have to do to not lash out. Instead of reacting the way you normally would, go somewhere by yourself and think about what just happened and try to understand why such a simple thing upset you. What is the real feeling driving these outbursts? Maybe you can begin to recognize an underlying pattern.It might help to keep an anger journal. Write down everything that gets you upset. That might help you see a pattern and pinpoint what may be setting you off. Talking with a therapist about this would be beneficial in helping pinpoint the underlying cause of the outbursts you are experience. |
I have been having horrendous nightmares this whole month. | How do I get rid of my nightmares? | One of the ways to decrease nightmares is to document your dreams. In addition to keeping a dream journal,it's important to work with the content of the dream and revise the ending.It's important for you to work with atherapist that is trained in dream work. The researcherMontangero (2009) pointed out that in using the cognitive approach to dream analysis, the therapist follows the basic tenets of cognitive behavioral therapy and that they help the individual to enhance their cognitive skills in order to be able to alleviate their psychological distress .For example, in the treatment of nightmares one of the methods that is used with the cognitive approach is imagery rehearsal therapy. The basic premise of the approach is that those who have recurring nightmares and are experiencing insomnia, later come to understand that The insomnia is brought on by anxiety. Unlike cognitive experiential dream theory, the approach does not integrate other theoretical orientations.. The approach to nightmares and the treatment of them, is aligned with cognitive experiential dream approaches as the individual has the opportunity to revise their dream if they have an unpleasant dream. Although the scary dreams may not disappear altogether, they may lessen in frequency. |
I have been having horrendous nightmares this whole month. | How do I get rid of my nightmares? | There's a narrative approach that we call nightmare "rescripting" that may be helpful.Since we can't really control the nature of our dreams while they're happening, we try to alter them while we are in a waking state.In a nutshell, this refers to first writing out in detail the events of a recurring nightmare you have. Typically, there is an element of fear, danger or helplessness.Second, we rescript the nightmare by changing what happens in the dream in a way that engenders feelings of empowerment, control, competence, and/or safety. In other words, if the nightmare involved being pursued or assaulted, we might change the events of the story so that you call the police, get to a place of safety, or even fight back and protect yourself.Third, you can reread this new version of the dream over and over again, so that it becomes a well rehearsed story. The effect of this can make it so that the next time your mind goes towards the nightmare while sleeping, this new, more hopeful and empowering story competes with the old one and reduces the level of distress associated with the dream. Best of luck! |
I have been having horrendous nightmares this whole month. | How do I get rid of my nightmares? | Are you facing any type of overwhelming situation in your waking life?Dreams and nightmares are the non-logical ways in which we make emotional sense of what goes on in our everyday waking world.Besides having some type of relaxing bedtime routine to set a peaceful mood for your sleep, and avoiding viewing violent films and video games as entertainment, maybe even avoiding news stories which sometimes have similar themes of violence, the content of our dreams and nightmares is out of our direct control.Your nightmares may offer useful clues as to what you're trying to resolve in your life. Pay attention to the story of your nightmare because it reflects how you feel in waking life.If you feel helpless and silenced in your nightmare, or taken advantage of, or whatever dreadful situation goes on during your nightmare, then look for where in waking life, you may feel similar.In this way, you'll become clearer about stressors in your life that you may not have realized existed were it not for the stress of nightmares. |
I get an uncontrollable swallowing that is repetitive and then somewhat out of body feeling that lasts no more than a minute or two. It usually happens in bed at night, but I occasionally experience this during the day. I have a benign brain tumor, but the doctor said it is not associated with this. | Why do I get a weird feeling every few months or so? | I'm not entirely sure whether this relates to something in the mental health realm or if there is something else happening. I know you said that your doctor said it is not related to your physical condition, but have you tried speaking with your primary care physician? I've seen people with many different symptoms that end up being related to acid reflux or something of that nature. As far as the out of body experience, there are different stages of sleep, so if this is happening in the middle of the night and you are waking up from a dream, you may not be fully awake when it's going on. These are just some thoughts, but I think talking to your primary care physician would be a great place to start. |
It takes me a long time to fall asleep; Id estimate about two hours. I often have nightmares, starting with being eaten by a monster, and I often wake up frightened and unable to breathe. I believe I started losing sleep after breaking up with a girlfriend of 8 years. Also, my fathers business went bankrupt and my mother has a chronic condition. I was under a lot of stress, and life lost meaning. After improving my life and developing a habit of running and exercise to release stress, my symptoms improved. However in the past couple months, I started losing sleep again and having nightmares without warning. How can I solve this issue? | Ive suffered from insomnia and nightmares for about 3 years | Youre noticing that as you lie down to go to sleep, there is quite a bit going on, which may be anxiety related. It sounds like the dreams and difficulty sleeping are reminiscent of previous experiences you had around the time of your break up, the difficulty with your fathers business, and your mothers health issues. These connections to past events may be important insights to continue exploring in addition to finding out more about what your dreams may be trying to tell you. There is no exact science to dreams, but many people find it fruitful to explore the content as it relates to significant themes in their lives. I think that exploring these issues further with a therapist could help you resolve whatever is causing you the stress, trouble sleeping, and frightening dreams. |
It takes me a long time to fall asleep; Id estimate about two hours. I often have nightmares, starting with being eaten by a monster, and I often wake up frightened and unable to breathe. I believe I started losing sleep after breaking up with a girlfriend of 8 years. Also, my fathers business went bankrupt and my mother has a chronic condition. I was under a lot of stress, and life lost meaning. After improving my life and developing a habit of running and exercise to release stress, my symptoms improved. However in the past couple months, I started losing sleep again and having nightmares without warning. How can I solve this issue? | Ive suffered from insomnia and nightmares for about 3 years | First of all, exercise is always beneficial for your physical and emotional health. That's great that you have added this in your routine. Have you also considered altering your diet? Certain foods are linked with poor sleep. For example, alcohol, caffeine, nicotine and high fat content foods do not bode well with quality sleep, especially right before bed time.On the other hand, warm milk and foods high in carbohydrates have actually shown to positively impact sleep.Additionally, at bed time it's important to keep your room dim, cool and without distractions (i.e. TV, IPad, Phone). Stick to a sleep routine and avoid any activities close to bed time that demand a lot of attention and energy.As far as your nightmares, there could be many causes contributing to them. Certain foods (many of the ones mentioned) or medications could be the culprit. Doing a bit of research into the ones you are consuming may help you eliminate the offender.You may also benefit from talk therapy with a qualified therapist to discuss any underlying issues you are experiencing. Oftentimes, depression and anxiety can manifest themselves during sleep, causing nightmares.Finally, Yoga has shown to be very beneficial for quality sleep. There are many instructional videos available that can introduce you to the practice if you'd rather not join a class right away.Best of luck to you and I sincerely hope you are able to catch up on some well deserved Z's! |
Sometimes 3 times a night. | Why am I dreaming so much? | Perhaps more dreaming means that you are making use of your mind to solve problems. I find that change states, while sometimes difficult, are very exciting. They give you opportunity to grow more rapidly. So I say: "congratulations!" ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org) |
Sometimes 3 times a night. | Why am I dreaming so much? | Dreams are our chance to make sense of our waking lives.If you've got a lot going on in your life then your dreams are your assistants in understanding these happenings and dynamics. |
Sometimes 3 times a night. | Why am I dreaming so much? | As a depth therapist (aka "psychodynamic practitioner"), I do a lot of dream work with clients; and they gain great insights from our explorations.We remember dreams, I believe, because dreams are messages (always in code) from the unconscious, communicating the crux of unresolved conflict between who we are and who we think we are supposed to be. You might be remembering so many dreams because your conscious mind is ready to hear these messages...and make some internal changes in response.Write them down! You'll be glad you did. A broad cross-section of these these messages will help your therapist help you interpret the meanings of these communications from you to you, and possibly chart your best path forward toward to resolve the cause of psychological symptoms you might be experiencing. |
Sometimes 3 times a night. | Why am I dreaming so much? | That's adifficult questionto answer.Dreaming is a normal (and healthy) part of the sleep cycle. The current thought is that we all generally experience roughly the same number of dreams - the difference often is just whether we remember the dreams or not.An increase in the number or frequency of distressing dreams (or nightmares) can be a symptom of stress, anxiety, or PTSD. If the dreams are disturbing to you, talking to a local counselor could help.If the dreams themselves are not troubling, you may just be remembering them more than most people do. |
My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex? | How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute? | The answer lies in what the outcome will be. How will things end if you find out he had sex with a prostitute? Will you leave? Will you try to work things out?The multiple versions are concerning. He seems unable to be truthful and this is damaging your relationship.Before considering marital therapy, please find a counselor for yourself. The right therapist can help you uncover what is right for you. |
My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex? | How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute? | One question I have, is how would this impact your relationship now if you were to know the answer? It sounds as though you may be experiencing issues with trust in your relationship. I believe the bigger issue here is not whether or he has had sex with someone else a few years ago, but more that you lack trust within your relationship. Are there other behaviors youve noticed that indicate untrustworthiness? It may be worth exploring sources of mistrust versus dwelling on a possible affair. Hope this helps. |
My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex? | How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute? | I've been in this situation before and have some insight to share with you. In my experience, he was lying and trying to cover it up. By pushing you to std testing, he's distracting you so he can shift the guilt he feels and blame it on you. In a guilty man's mind I believe he's thinking-...if I cheated...you must have as well....but you're much worse than I because it's okay for me to cheat...but not you...now you're a cheating dirty slut...just like that prostituteMen believe they're entitled to treat women and children like property. Often they use intimidation and violence to control us.He'll never admit to cheating, he'll never apologize and he'll do it again and again. Truly they don't think it's a big deal, it's just their way of being social. They desperately want us to accept it, perhaps join in the act. |
My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex? | How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute? | It sounds like you've been living with this uncertainty for those couple years since this happened.The reality is you won't ever "know" - mostly because of the various versions your husband has provided you.Infidelity, though painful, does not have to kill a marriage. Secrecy and dishonesty certainly will though. I encourage you and your husband to seek therapy together with someone who specializes in couples work. The longer you wait to do so, the more damage is done to whatever connection you have and the greater the distrust will become. Please get qualified help, for your and your husband's sake. |
My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex? | How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute? | The fact that he has several versions of the story, could indicate the presence of deception concerning the events that occurred.If he expressed that he may have had contact with a prostitute, there may be a likelihood he may have had sex, but you cannot be 100 percent certain. The suspicion alone would appear to be a source of distress for you. Having the STD screening will certainly be helpful in terms of your health since it appears that he may have been involved in an indiscretion that may also be interpreted as a breach of trust between you. |
My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex? | How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute? | I am so sorry you are going through this. The harsh reality is that you cant possibly know. Being in a healthy relationship means that you have to trust that what your spouse tells you is true. If he tells you he was not with a prostitute and you dont believe him than that means there is lack of trust in your relationship. If you are experiencing mistrust in your relationship and are worried about infidelity or STDs that is very serious and it sounds like you both could benefit from being in marital counseling together. Trust is so important in any relationship and if the trust isnt there its important to build that trust so you can have a happy and healthy home together. If your spouse is unwilling to go for marital counseling with you, then go for individual counseling! There have been plenty of success stories when even just one of the spouses goes for therapy. |
My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex? | How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute? | Most of us trust our guts, or go to someone who can help us to piece the puzzle together, like a therapist. In this case, is that what's important? The knowing that he had it or knowing he had it and how he allowed himself to get into a situation like that? If he did, how do you feel about it? I'm curious. It sounds like you are too. Talk to someone to explore this situation. Hope that helps! |
My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex? | How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute? | |
My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex? | How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute? | The short answer is: you may never know. The only person that really knows is him. Here are some things to consider. If you're asking this question, it may be an indicator of the health of the relationship itself. It wouldn't be a waste of your time to try some relationship counseling. I don't know where you are in your mind on the relationship, but couples counseling is not only for couples on the brink of separation. Yes, it can help avoid separation, but it can also help work out issues exactly like you are asking about. Even a healthy relationship can be taken to the next level with some relational therapy every now and then. |
My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex? | How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute? | That is great that he shared this information with you, that you were tested (and hopefully everything was okay), and that he continues to answer your questions about the event. It sounds like you are still having some trouble with what happened, and that is okay, and normal/natural. The question I want you to focus on is why you want to know if he had sex with a prostitute? I want you to think about what this information would do for you, how you would use it, what-if anything would change in your relationship because of this information. I also want to ask yourself if you feel like you trust your husband? Has he done anything like this in the past or since he shared this information with you?I don't have an answer for you and you may never know, because it sounds like he might not even know. He did share this information with you, he did make sure to care for you and make sure you were tested for stds, and he does continue to try to answer your questions. I'm sure he feels a lot of shame and guilt about this experience and understand that you are still feeling hurt and confused by his actions.I think it is important to explore the event, how you are both feeling about it, and even discuss ways to feel safe when he travels again if that is something that is causing stress and anxiety. |
My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex? | How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute? | Unfortunately, you will never know the true answer. This is really frustrating to hear, but you will never 100% be able to guarantee that he has given you the truth. So if you can, work on accepting that, breathing through that,He may not fully remember, he may have lied to you in the past or he is lying now. He may have been honest then or he may be honest not.As for options, you can talk to him and provide a safe space for him to tell you what happened. This could be a private conversation with you or at a counseling session. He would need to feel safe to tell you the truth. But remember, there are no guarantees. You would need to make a decision to trust him or not. And go from there. A couples counselor can help guide that conversation, and make sure that he is feeling safe to share.More important than if he actually had sex or not, I would evaluate your relationship. Do you trust him now? Were there trust issues before? Does he hide things now? Identifying your current trust levels will be important for having a healthy relationship now. Hope this helps, even if it is frustrating to not have guarantees. |
My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex? | How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute? | Hello, The truth is that you will never know unless your husband decides to be upfront about the details to gain your trust. One thing is for sure though, not knowing and having this uncertainty in your heart will push your husband and you further away from being able to repair the marriage. The best thing you both can do is seek professional help to navigate this issue and start doing damage control. It sounds as if you are committed to this marriage and I am sure your husband is too. It will take some time and purpose, but you can recover from this if you both commit. Don't wait and start working the steps to find peace of mind and a way to reconnect with the man you love. Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling |
My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex? | How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute? | The only two people who know the answer to your question are your husband and the prostitute.The question you did and can answer is the reason you would doubt your husband, which is bc of his multiple stories.Ideally your husband cares to restore your sense of confidence in the stories he tells you.If you state your doubts and your interest for the truth, ideally he will produce enough evidence of the truth so you will have facts and can make sense of them. Hopefully the two of you will do this sense making together, especially if he did have sex w the prostititute.If he's unwilling to care about restoring your trust in him, then this is a different problem entirely. |
My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me. He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way? | I want to have a threesome with my husband and another girl, but I feel really nervous | Because the acrobatics and excitement of sex has nothing to do with the meaning of deeper emotional attachment to another person with whom we are in a relationship.Try to distinguish between your feelings of excitement from the novel sexual arrangement and what you feel is necessary in order to feel emotionally close and attached to your husband. |
My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me. He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way? | I want to have a threesome with my husband and another girl, but I feel really nervous | Hello there. As you have courageously explained your soulful dilemma. I can appreciate the complexity of this situation. You have identified some key factors that may be contributing to your sense of feeling "empty". One, is the ultimate goal here able to be acquired from this arrangement? Are you trying to have your fulfillment with another woman while in the presence of your husband but not with him 'on her' as much or at all? Are you trying to ask him to be more passive participant? Perhaps be careful of not drinking too heavily... In the whole event, how do you want to feel intimate or connected ? Were you craving all along, him to really be all over you along with her? These are questions that arise; maybe not solutions. Its always good to be very clear with oneself of what is the ultimate target here... And always measure the potential danger.. Peace - keith |
My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me. He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way? | I want to have a threesome with my husband and another girl, but I feel really nervous | Hello, and thank you for your question. Nervousness, when doing something new, especially something sexual that can feel so personal, is very common. Indeed, despite the fact that nervousness can be uncomfortable, it is also part of the excitement of trying something new. Many people who engage in open, polyamorous, and/or other-type relationships, will tell you that difficult feelings, such as jealousy and anger, do show up sometimes. This doesn't prove that there is something wrong with the relationship, it just shows that you retain normal human emotions while in one. And many people who are in polyamorous relationships have written about the work it sometimes takes to make such relationships work. Of course, all relationships take work, so polyamorous and other types of relationships are simply not an exception. There could be several reasons why you are feeling the way you do. One reason could be that you are simply not as comfortable with the idea as you think you are. Some time and good communication with your husband may help you with this. Another reason this may be bothering you is because, on some level, you are aware of the messages society gives us about marriages. They are supposed to be monogamous, heterosexual, etc. etc. Just because you may not agree with these beliefs doesn't mean that you haven't been influenced by them. We all have. Another reason this may be upsetting you is because it may feel a little frightening. Perhaps there are a lot of "What ifs" going on in your mind. When you get the "empty" feeling, it may be helpful to try to really nail down the emotions that are attached to that feeling. One thing that I do think is very important is that you communicate these feelings to your husband. It may even be a good idea to talk about expectations or "ground rules", if you will. It is important that you are both on the same page about what this is, and why you are doing it. If you continue to struggle, I suggest finding a counselor who has experience in sex and sexuality. I wish you well.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC |
My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me. He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way? | I want to have a threesome with my husband and another girl, but I feel really nervous | You need to have an honest conversation with each other about WHY you both want a threesome. Evaluate the status of your relationship with each other. Are you having issues? Fighting? Not feeling satisfied with each other? How has your sex life been with each other? If there are any problems, insecurities, issues, introducing something like this may only make your relationship worse.Open relationships and threesomes rarely work out well. Sure, there are some who successfully live this lifestyle, but it only works when both people are completely secure in their relationship with each other, harbor no jealousies or insecurities, and aren't looking to someone else to satisfy needs that aren't getting met by their spouse.Let me say that again: This is not likely to work out well for you if either of you are insecure, jealous, or looking to have needs met by this other person that you aren't getting from your spouse.That empty feeling you're having - listen to it. Dig deep to find out where it is coming from. What thoughts are going through your head when you feel that way? You'll get the answer.The other thing that helps make something like this work is for both of you to listen and respect each other. If you don't like it that he paid more attention to the other girl, he needs to know that, and he needs to respect that. If you're going to do it again, he needs to know what you're comfortable with and what you want. Set the limits before you're in the moment, before it's too late to take an action back. Turn it around and ask him what he would be comfortable with if it were a man instead of a woman.It is perfectly natural to be curious and want to experiment. A lot of people get that out of the way before settling down in a monogamous relationship. People who marry young and/or inexperienced may still feel that curiosity about things like that and want to experience them, but don't want to hurt their spouse. The REASON you are both doing this matters a lot. If there are problems in your relationship, this is likely to only make things worse. |
My husband has had issues with alcohol addiction in the past (he'd never admit to this). A while back (3 years ago), I asked him to stop drinking so much, and he agreed. I caught him one night drinking behind my back. I confronted him and he lied, but I told him I knew he was lying because I counted the beers in the fridge and four of them were missing. He admitted and apologized and promised he wouldn't do it again. Lately, my husband has been drinking on and off, but I noticed it was every single night. I didn't like this. For our New Years resolution, we decided we were going to limit our alcohol consumption. He was on boardno more drinking every night. The other night, I counted the beers in the fridge just to see if some were missing. It took a couple of days, but tonight, I discovered a few were missing along with a shot of vodka. He was passed out on the couch when I decided to wake him up and confront him (poor timing, but I couldn't wait). I asked him if he'd come to bed with me (when he drinks, he snores and I cannot sleepit's a dead giveaway he's been drinking). He slurred a bit and said no. I asked if he had been drinking, but he snapped and said no. I went into our room to sleep, leaving him on the couch. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not. I just feel like I'm so honest with him about everything, and I expect the same honesty. He is a good husband in every other regard. | My husband was lying about drinking again | As exasperated as you feel, and as obvious it is to you that your husband cares more about drinking than being honest with you, changing this is up to him.Does he care that you're upset with him for drinking more than he can handle?Does he care about you more than drinking?Living with an alcoholic, which is how his behavior sounds, is lonely and frustrating.Concentrate on what you like about him as he is now with his drinking.Your happiness matters. His ignoring of what you're talking about, doesn't mean your requests are unreasonable.Be prepared to learn to live with and accept how he behaves, or not.Avoid the expectation that you can convince him to change.People change only when they realize their life can improve by changing. He doesn't sound like this, at least now. |
My husband has had issues with alcohol addiction in the past (he'd never admit to this). A while back (3 years ago), I asked him to stop drinking so much, and he agreed. I caught him one night drinking behind my back. I confronted him and he lied, but I told him I knew he was lying because I counted the beers in the fridge and four of them were missing. He admitted and apologized and promised he wouldn't do it again. Lately, my husband has been drinking on and off, but I noticed it was every single night. I didn't like this. For our New Years resolution, we decided we were going to limit our alcohol consumption. He was on boardno more drinking every night. The other night, I counted the beers in the fridge just to see if some were missing. It took a couple of days, but tonight, I discovered a few were missing along with a shot of vodka. He was passed out on the couch when I decided to wake him up and confront him (poor timing, but I couldn't wait). I asked him if he'd come to bed with me (when he drinks, he snores and I cannot sleepit's a dead giveaway he's been drinking). He slurred a bit and said no. I asked if he had been drinking, but he snapped and said no. I went into our room to sleep, leaving him on the couch. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not. I just feel like I'm so honest with him about everything, and I expect the same honesty. He is a good husband in every other regard. | My husband was lying about drinking again | It can be very frustrating being lied to. The one thing that struck me was the sentence he had a alcohol addiction "in the past." Addiction is not something that comes and goes. Once you have addict tendencies they are here to stay. You may be able to fight them off for awhile but the will enviably rear their ugly head again. Some of the things that we would suggest is taking the access away. If the alcohol is not conveniently in the house he would have to go seek it out elsewhere. You can think about it in other terms. If chocolate cake was your favorite food and you were a diabetic, you would not have chocolate cake lying around all the time because you know you would eventually eat it. Remember there are no temporary addicts. |
I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18? | Is it wrong for me to be attracted to my girlfriend? | Wait what? Normal teenage experiences. A pedophile is someone that is attracted to children meaning under your age category. This is regarding mostly adults that are over age of 18. You are only one year apart. Try and focus on friendship and work on keeping yourself busy in activities so that you are not having these type of thoughts. Direct this energy into a more productive activity like sports, reading, biking, exercising or something other than negative thought patterns. Don't attract what isn't supposed to be part of your life. good luck. |
I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18? | Is it wrong for me to be attracted to my girlfriend? | You are not a pedophile. You are both under 18 and your age is appropriate for a relationship. There would be a possible problem if she was 10 or younger.Pedophelia, is a whole other problem that you probably should not be worried about. I would be happy to talk with you in more detail about this. |
I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18? | Is it wrong for me to be attracted to my girlfriend? | It is very natural for you to be attracted to someone that you find an interest in building a romantic relationship with. These feelings are an emotional response toward adulthood. You are at a healthy age to start the development of attraction and intimate bonds with those around you. Pedophilia is a disorder in which adults or older adolescents find themselves continuously sexually attracted to children and minors. At the age of 15, you are still considered a child/minor yourself that is growing into his own adulthood. This is healthy for you to seek the elements of attraction and intimacy. There may be a lot of confusion during this time due to the effects of puberty and all the changes you may be experiencing during your adolescence phase. In this case, see if you are able to reach out to your parents, caregivers, and/or trusted adults to seek an understanding of those elements to help with any confusion with age, attraction, and underage dating. |
I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18? | Is it wrong for me to be attracted to my girlfriend? | A pedophile by definition is anyone who is sexually attracted to children. This is applicable to children to are pre-pubescent. So I'm repeating others here, but you are not a pedophile!The fact that you worry about this means that you wouldn't be OK with being a pedophile.Sounds like you have a healthy reaction to your girlfriend! |
I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18? | Is it wrong for me to be attracted to my girlfriend? | The short answer is, NO! It is not wrong for you to be attracted to your girlfriend. You are a perfectly healthy person. When puberty hits, hormones start changing and it is a natural to be interested and attracted to others. It may feel wrong, especially if you are a Christian and have grown up in that home due to the messages that are sometimes sent your way. But as a Christian myself and a counselor, I remind people that every human is made with a very similar biological make-up. If humans did not have an innate attraction to others, then the human race would not survive because we would not marry or have children.You are not a pedophile! |
I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18? | Is it wrong for me to be attracted to my girlfriend? | Nope! In fact you are NOT a pedophile. That term is reserved for older adolescents attracted to children, or adults who are attracted to children. I see an age difference as being one key factor in determining pedophilia if the older person is still in adolescence. You being only a year older than your girlfriend doesn't qualify, so go right ahead and be attracted to your girlfriend without shame! |
I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18? | Is it wrong for me to be attracted to my girlfriend? | You wrote that each of you is under the age of 18. A 15 year old cannot be a pedophile because you're not an adult.Also, if you mean "girlfriend" in a romantic way then this makes sense bc romantic relationships include physical attraction to the other person. |
I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18? | Is it wrong for me to be attracted to my girlfriend? | No. You are not a pedophile. You are both under the appropriate age where it would be seen so. Your both only a year a part so this shouldn't a worry to you. Like Frank said below, Pedophelia is a problem that won't apply to this situation. |
I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18? | Is it wrong for me to be attracted to my girlfriend? | No, that's perfectly normal. You're under 18, too. You're only a year older than she is. This is absolutely normal. What would be wrong is if you did anything to her against her will. Always remember that NO means NO, respect her, respect yourself, and be a normal teenager! Have a healthy relationship. Holding hands, kissing, and more should only be done when both are comfortable with it and agree to it. Although it is frowned upon by a lot of people, it's no secret that teenagers do have sex (even if their parents and perhaps religion would definitely not want them to do it). Only you can make the choice that is right for you. Just be responsible in the choices you make. Some states have laws on what age is old enough for consensual sex. You'd be surprised how young those ages are. A 14 year old having sex with a 20 year old would be against the law, but someone the same age as her, or just one year older is not. "Wrong" can be defined in a lot of different ways, though. Is it against the law? No. Is it against your religion? I can't answer that for you.You can, however, have a relationship that is not physical in any way. It's okay to just be with her and enjoy her company. You can hang out, watch movies together, go on dates, do whatever it is that both of you enjoy doing. Your relationship can be anything you want it to be. |
I love my girlfriend so much. I get an erection even just thinking about her or seeing her. But the two times we tried to have sex I couldn't get an erection. We've only had sex once and it was a long time ago. Why this is happening and what can I do about it? | Why can't I get an erection with my girlfriend? | I want to be short and brief about this. First, If you can achieve a good erection at anytime without your girlfriend, your penis is fine. However, erections work through getting enough blood flow to the penis. If you are having any sort of mental related concern (anxiety, depression, stress, etc) it can cause your blood vessels to constrict and keep your penis from becoming erect. After reading your concerns, my questions would be: What are you thinking about right before and during sex?" "Do you feel anxious or nervous during that time?" Have you ever experienced not getting an erection before?"I am assuming it has do to with what you are thinking and their is a certain amount of anxiety you are having during or right before sex.If you want to work this out, I would encourage you to work on your thought process and learn to relax your mind and your body (meditation/relaxation exercises). Focus more on enjoying the experience through your 5 senses. What do you smell, take it in and enjoy it. What do you hear, take it in and enjoy it. What do you see, take it in and enjoy it. What do you feel, take it in and enjoy it.Calm yourself! Not having an erection is not the end of the world and happens all the time to men. If you freak out about it, it will happen more. Just relax, believe it is normal and try again and ENJOY the beauty in front of you! |
I love my girlfriend so much. I get an erection even just thinking about her or seeing her. But the two times we tried to have sex I couldn't get an erection. We've only had sex once and it was a long time ago. Why this is happening and what can I do about it? | Why can't I get an erection with my girlfriend? | Sexual desire seems to be straightforward - I like someone and I become aroused at the thoughts of being intimate with them - but that idea does not always take into account other factors.Stress can have a huge effect on our body and how it performs. When we are overstressed, for example, we often find ourselves ill at the same time. Can you think of any part of your world that may be causing you some additional stress? Additionally, focusing on your erection may also be increasing the level of stress you feel about being intimate, which could also effect your ability to get and maintain an erection. While this may seem counter intuitive, it makes sense in the word of stress!Finally, it's never a bad idea to follow up with your doctor, as well. You did not mention your age or sexual history outside of this relationship, but it is always a good idea to check in with medical staff to make sure there is nothing physically responsible for changes in our body, as well. |
I love my girlfriend so much. I get an erection even just thinking about her or seeing her. But the two times we tried to have sex I couldn't get an erection. We've only had sex once and it was a long time ago. Why this is happening and what can I do about it? | Why can't I get an erection with my girlfriend? | First off, I want to acknowledge the emotional pain you must be experiencing about not being able to experience an erection -- you're not alone. And, it took a lot of courage for you to post your query here. Below you will find excellent advice from skilled clinicians regarding your question and concern. If you haven't done so already I'd encourage you to checkout the Mayo Clinic's website on this very topic (http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/basics/definition/con-20021047).Once you've ruled out any medical-organic issues with either your PCP or Urologist I recommend you work with a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) and/or Certified Sex Therapist (CST) and do some psychotherapy around attachment/family-of-origin, intimacy, self-image, trauma history, sex history, pornography, etc. ). There is hope. |
I love my girlfriend so much. I get an erection even just thinking about her or seeing her. But the two times we tried to have sex I couldn't get an erection. We've only had sex once and it was a long time ago. Why this is happening and what can I do about it? | Why can't I get an erection with my girlfriend? | This issue could come from any variables. The pressure of being satisfying, or if you have experienced anytension. Do you have any uncomfortable thoughts or is anything from your past coming up? Had you been socialized to believe certain things or did new beliefs come up? What were your models of healthy relationships? Was anything of substance coming up around the time this began? Some have found acupuncture to be helpful or even the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). |
I love my girlfriend so much. I get an erection even just thinking about her or seeing her. But the two times we tried to have sex I couldn't get an erection. We've only had sex once and it was a long time ago. Why this is happening and what can I do about it? | Why can't I get an erection with my girlfriend? | I'm sorry to hear of your problem.First step as always when a possible medical explanation exists, go for a urology check up to either your internist or a urologist.Once you know there is no medical reason which would prevent an erection, then we can consider the psychological and emotion based factors.Maybe you're nervous about your sexual performance or that your gf may be disappointed in your performance.Men often mistake their own fears of performance failure with the assumption that their partner thinks about sex as a performance.Talk with your gf about whatever is on your mind which may inhibit you from enjoying sex.The reasons are endless.What matters is to have a heartfelt dialogue with each other.The emotional support which comes through such an intimate conversation may very well be the catalyst for a more relaxed and satisfying approach to sex w your gf. |
For some reason I feel very uncomfortable with my girlfriend showing off her body in certain poses on social media. I know she is proud of her body and I respect that, but I dont feel comfortable with her openly showing off her body the way she does. Anytime I bring it up to her she thinks Im calling her a whore. How can I deal with my girlfriend showing off her body on social media and not hurt her feelings? | I'm not comfortable with my girlfriend showing off her body on social media | Ask her to consider your feelings not only her own defensiveness that she is called a whore by you.Clearly since you're writing on a site which offers psychological and emotional support and guidance, you do not consider your gf to be a whore.She may not realize or considered that you are somewhat protective of who sees her body. In the end she may not want the privacy over her body which you are encouraging her to have.At least you will have the satisfaction to know you stated your actual reasons for your request, and did not rely on the ones she imagined you have. |
For some reason I feel very uncomfortable with my girlfriend showing off her body in certain poses on social media. I know she is proud of her body and I respect that, but I dont feel comfortable with her openly showing off her body the way she does. Anytime I bring it up to her she thinks Im calling her a whore. How can I deal with my girlfriend showing off her body on social media and not hurt her feelings? | I'm not comfortable with my girlfriend showing off her body on social media | |
My fianc and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on? | Is it possible for a couple to overcome cheating if it only happened once? | Infidelity is common. In a largest study conducted to date about 10-15% of women and 20-25% of men admitted to being unfaithful while in a monogamous relationship. You are not alone and you can get through this just like countless couples have done before you. First of all, you need to know that although there may be reasons for his behaviour (e.g., not feeling sexually satisfied) those are not excuses. He could have chosen to masturbate instead of cheating on you, right? Your partner needs to own his choices and if he is capable of doing it and is truly willing to work on the relationship with you to make it stronger, more transparent and more fulfilling for both of you, then there is hope. The question is : are you willing to put in all this extra work? Forgiveness is not easy and it may take a lot of time and effort for you to consciously choose to trust again. It won't just happen if you don't work on it. And yes, it's unfair that you are being asked to work on this, when he is the one who had been unfaithful. Even though it is hard, you need to be able to let go at some point of having all the power in the relationship, because right now you have it as the one who had been cheated on. You cannot hold on to being the victim forever because it will create an imbalance in your relationship making it less healthy in the long-run. All of this is hard work. Is he and this relationship worth it? Are you equally committed to making it work? If so, don't abandon this relationship just yet. Work on it together (ideally get a few sessions with an experienced couple counsellor) and see where that gets you. For additional specific ideas check out my tips for how to deal with infidelity in a relationship. Good luck! |
My fianc and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on? | Is it possible for a couple to overcome cheating if it only happened once? | HelloYes many couples have survived infidelity. How sincere is he with wanting to work it out?That means alot in recovery. The key is to understand that cheating is a choice. Please don't take the betrayal personal.Look at the foundation of the relationship. Is there cracks that can be healed? How do you feel about betrayal?Honest communication is the key to healing. Never assume monogamy discuss it. No one can tell you if you should stay or go. That is a very personal decision.Start by setting up face to face time to discuss the affair and emotions. If this may be hard please get a counselor or therapist that can meditate this journey.Just remember even if you decide to leave you still need support to heal. Just because you leave the situation, the trauma still exists. |
My fianc and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on? | Is it possible for a couple to overcome cheating if it only happened once? | Hello. Thank you for your question. Many couples that experience infidelity in their relationship face this important question - "is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?"Deciding to stay or leave is such a personal decision, one that only you can make.When an affair is disclosed or found out, it can have a traumatic impact on the betrayed partner. The betrayed partner might be overwhelmed by intrusive thoughts - Wanting answers to specific questions - Wanting details. And the partner that had the affair might be feeling overwhelm around "Will their partner ever forgive them?" "Will they trust them again?" "How long will it take to regain their trust again?"While it is possible for couples to get past the cheating, it does take a commitment from each partner to do the work needed. Because of the complexities cheating has on the bond couples have with each other, I would recommend seeing a couple therapist that specializes in working with the issue of infidelity. When infidelity happens, there are usually a number of secrets that accompany it, and this can be incredibly difficult for couples to work through on their own. |
My fianc and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on? | Is it possible for a couple to overcome cheating if it only happened once? | Do you feel he will do this again, and do you trust him, can you trust him again?. Would you and he be open to couples therapy? There are many variables to consider but asking yourself these questions could give you some clarity. |
My fianc and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on? | Is it possible for a couple to overcome cheating if it only happened once? | Hello. I'm sorry that this happened to you, and that you are struggling with making a decision about this. In my experience, a couple can absolutely overcome cheating and get back to the relationship they once had. Hopefully, the other relationship is over, and you can work on rebuilding the trust that has been broken. It will be difficult for the both of you to move past this, and getting professional help as you navigate rebuilding your relationship is a good idea. Just know that you can get past this, many couples do.Good luck! |
My fianc and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on? | Is it possible for a couple to overcome cheating if it only happened once? | Definitely yes, it is possible for a couple to trust each other again and become close with each other.Since your trust was broken, your fianc would need to earn back your belief that he is faithful to you.Do you feel he empathizes with how you felt to find out about his cheating?Before you have this question answered, based on what you write there is a sense of your own doubt as to whether you are with the right partner.Before you and he address regaining your trust, first decide if you'd like to work on this.Ask yourself if the sexual attention he felt he wasn't getting from you was bc you're not as interested in him as you imagine or once felt in the past.If each of you sincerely wants to be together, it is possible to talk about your respective needs and help the other person feel safe again with the other. |