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Potty training and regretting my existence.

My son was showing all the signs, telling us he pooped, taking off diaper, hiding to poop, others too but he would no sit in the toilet he would just pee and poop any and every wear so we decided to push it off. So a few days ago my 2.5 year old who was only naked because he refuses to keep clothes on, just randomly peed in his toilet standing up. The whole day he had no accidents, then the next day no accidents again, but wouldn't poop. Later that night we finally caught him in time and he pooped on the potty. It's the 3rd day, still hasn't had an accident, so we tried putting underwear and it's like restarting, he just doesn't get you take the underwear off. Granted it's only day one of underwear. I am just getting more and more frustrated, he doesn't listen, he keeps taking them off, keeps having accidents. I'm 30 weeks pregnant with twins and just so over it. It's more his behavior that's frustrating me. He literally just doesn't listen. He doesn't respond when I call him, he doesn't understand if I ask him to bring me his underwear that he just took off, he doesn't say pee or potty. He just screams when ever he has to do something he doesn't want. Any advice for helping him understand to take his underwear down? He will not pee sitting down, only standing up, which also sucks because he isn't sitting as much to give him opportunity to poop.

I’ve been giving mine tiny toys from dollar store every time they use potty correctly, maybe yours will enjoy that. Or some suggest m&m or whatever their favorite treat is. Sounds like there isn’t much else you can improve on in this regard. Best of luck 🙏🏽🩶🩶🩶🩶, We're just staying in the underwear-free stage for much, much longer. As long as it takes, really, I'm letting him take the lead on that. The weather's getting warmer and I'm home all day with them anyway as it's the Easter holidays so, he's just Pooh-Bearing about the place and he's absolutely mastering it. We had the same drama - pants and trousers send him right back to the start. So we just, went back to the beginning. Three days is a very short amount of time to get through the naked part and introduce clothes, so maybe just stay away from getting dressed a while longer until it's properly locked in? I must say though, you couldn't have picked a worse time, or rather, your kid couldn't! Good on you and good luck with the last bit of pregnancy., Oh and I also played lots of potty time YouTube videos that show people her age on the potty “having a blast” so to speak, to build her comfort, Potty training can feel like you're in the trenches sometimes, especially with all the other stuff life throws at you, like being pregnant with twins. That's a whole lot on your plate! It sounds like you're already doing a ton of things right, especially noticing and responding to your son's cues. One thing you might try is making it more of a game/routine? Sometimes kids respond better to fun than to being told what to do. Not sure what you've tried, but maybe turn underwear time into a celebration, with stickers or a special treat for every successful trip to the potty. And if standing up is his jam and it's successful for peeing, I'd say go with it for now lol. (Also, don't forget to take care of yourself. It's easy to get overwhelmed, but sounds like you're doing an amazing job! Hang in there, mama. You've got this!) *Editing because I realized I didn't really answer your question whoops!* For underwear: He might learn better by demonstration/modeling since it sounds like he may not have the receptive language yet. You could use a doll or even yourself (if you're comfortable with that) to demonstrate pulling down underwear first, then going to the potty. You could try a simple visual chart to hang in the bathroom with something like First pants down, Then potty to reinforce the routine., I've been struggling for 2 years now, I feel your pain, Oh, man. My grandson is seven and still in pullups. We've tried everything, bought countless potty chairs. He won't use them. And if we get insistent, he starts reverting back to babbling baby talk. He's in kindergarten this year. 1st grade next year. We don't know what else to try. I've bought toys, candy. Coloring books. Regular books. We've watched YouTube videos. Bought the underwear with no peepee holes cause he hates those others. Nothing has worked. His teachers keep reminding us that next year, he'll be in regular classes with the bathroom in the hall. I don't know what else to try that doesn't cause him to revert back to baby talk or just having a meltdown in general. It's exhausting., You're right! I work from home so he really can be naked all day. I do have to drop his sister off at school but if has just peed he's usually good for another hour or so but if not he can stay home with dad! It really was the worst timing cause I was prepared to just have 3 kids in diapers 😂 I forget very easily that he is only 2.5 and alot of kids even neurotypical boys don't potty train till much later, Yeah I've gave him treats the first and second day and today is Easter so he's kinda all candied out! I've been putting on some potty training videos and certain ones do seem to hold his attention longer. I will just come and go when he has to on the potty. He doesn't say that he has to go pee but will say he has to poop. So when he has clothes on he just comes and stand at the potty and pees all over himself., Thank you! I think I will start to incorporate showing him how we use the big potty and maybe buy him a seat for the big potty instead of the little one. He is really big on imitating so maybe that might help him understand a little better how the whole process works!, Any tips to develop receptive language?, I'm sorry! Hope we both can get this down, I'm sorry! I can't imagine how exhausting that is! I have older nephews who are also autistic and they struggled with potty training as well, I think the oldest was around your grandsons age maybe older when he finally got it down! I hope something catches on for your grandson!, My next answer may be controversial, so plz take all with a grain of salt, maybe baby needs a little more time before potty training . If you really want to pursue this more, I would block off a whole Friday to Monday and follow them everywhere they go as much as possible to ensure you catch all the accidents as they become more comfortable. I got that part from a book my mom gave me a few months ago, I’m gonna go find it and edit it into the comment, Thank you! Sending best wishes your way!, I think he's ready, he only has accidents when he's clothed. He does it perfectly when naked, which I heard can be common for some kids that they struggle when you out clothes on. My older daughter was potty trained fairly easy. So although I've potty trained before, never a boy and it was easy 😂 I work from him so I don't mind following him and reminding him. He just has a pretty big speech delay and a delay in receptive and expressive language so I'm not sure if he understands me sometimes., I totally understand. I think you got this! Plz report back and let us know how it’s going. 💪🏾 https://preview.redd.it/uy52ijdhmrrc1.png?width=2437&format=png&auto=webp&s=967b1527797aac662aa3b4b5c14d5c188966f2c6, I’ve been giving mine tiny toys from dollar store every time they use potty correctly, maybe yours will enjoy that. Or some suggest m&m or whatever their favorite treat is. Sounds like there isn’t much else you can improve on in this regard. Best of luck 🙏🏽🩶🩶🩶🩶, We're just staying in the underwear-free stage for much, much longer. As long as it takes, really, I'm letting him take the lead on that. The weather's getting warmer and I'm home all day with them anyway as it's the Easter holidays so, he's just Pooh-Bearing about the place and he's absolutely mastering it. We had the same drama - pants and trousers send him right back to the start. So we just, went back to the beginning. Three days is a very short amount of time to get through the naked part and introduce clothes, so maybe just stay away from getting dressed a while longer until it's properly locked in? I must say though, you couldn't have picked a worse time, or rather, your kid couldn't! Good on you and good luck with the last bit of pregnancy., Oh and I also played lots of potty time YouTube videos that show people her age on the potty “having a blast” so to speak, to build her comfort, Potty training can feel like you're in the trenches sometimes, especially with all the other stuff life throws at you, like being pregnant with twins. That's a whole lot on your plate! It sounds like you're already doing a ton of things right, especially noticing and responding to your son's cues. One thing you might try is making it more of a game/routine? Sometimes kids respond better to fun than to being told what to do. Not sure what you've tried, but maybe turn underwear time into a celebration, with stickers or a special treat for every successful trip to the potty. And if standing up is his jam and it's successful for peeing, I'd say go with it for now lol. (Also, don't forget to take care of yourself. It's easy to get overwhelmed, but sounds like you're doing an amazing job! Hang in there, mama. You've got this!) *Editing because I realized I didn't really answer your question whoops!* For underwear: He might learn better by demonstration/modeling since it sounds like he may not have the receptive language yet. You could use a doll or even yourself (if you're comfortable with that) to demonstrate pulling down underwear first, then going to the potty. You could try a simple visual chart to hang in the bathroom with something like First pants down, Then potty to reinforce the routine., I've been struggling for 2 years now, I feel your pain, Oh, man. My grandson is seven and still in pullups. We've tried everything, bought countless potty chairs. He won't use them. And if we get insistent, he starts reverting back to babbling baby talk. He's in kindergarten this year. 1st grade next year. We don't know what else to try. I've bought toys, candy. Coloring books. Regular books. We've watched YouTube videos. Bought the underwear with no peepee holes cause he hates those others. Nothing has worked. His teachers keep reminding us that next year, he'll be in regular classes with the bathroom in the hall. I don't know what else to try that doesn't cause him to revert back to baby talk or just having a meltdown in general. It's exhausting., You're right! I work from home so he really can be naked all day. I do have to drop his sister off at school but if has just peed he's usually good for another hour or so but if not he can stay home with dad! It really was the worst timing cause I was prepared to just have 3 kids in diapers 😂 I forget very easily that he is only 2.5 and alot of kids even neurotypical boys don't potty train till much later, Yeah I've gave him treats the first and second day and today is Easter so he's kinda all candied out! I've been putting on some potty training videos and certain ones do seem to hold his attention longer. I will just come and go when he has to on the potty. He doesn't say that he has to go pee but will say he has to poop. So when he has clothes on he just comes and stand at the potty and pees all over himself., Thank you! I think I will start to incorporate showing him how we use the big potty and maybe buy him a seat for the big potty instead of the little one. He is really big on imitating so maybe that might help him understand a little better how the whole process works!, Any tips to develop receptive language?, I'm sorry! Hope we both can get this down, I'm sorry! I can't imagine how exhausting that is! I have older nephews who are also autistic and they struggled with potty training as well, I think the oldest was around your grandsons age maybe older when he finally got it down! I hope something catches on for your grandson!, My next answer may be controversial, so plz take all with a grain of salt, maybe baby needs a little more time before potty training . If you really want to pursue this more, I would block off a whole Friday to Monday and follow them everywhere they go as much as possible to ensure you catch all the accidents as they become more comfortable. I got that part from a book my mom gave me a few months ago, I’m gonna go find it and edit it into the comment, Thank you! Sending best wishes your way!, I think he's ready, he only has accidents when he's clothed. He does it perfectly when naked, which I heard can be common for some kids that they struggle when you out clothes on. My older daughter was potty trained fairly easy. So although I've potty trained before, never a boy and it was easy 😂 I work from him so I don't mind following him and reminding him. He just has a pretty big speech delay and a delay in receptive and expressive language so I'm not sure if he understands me sometimes., I totally understand. I think you got this! Plz report back and let us know how it’s going. 💪🏾 https://preview.redd.it/uy52ijdhmrrc1.png?width=2437&format=png&auto=webp&s=967b1527797aac662aa3b4b5c14d5c188966f2c6, I’ve been giving mine tiny toys from dollar store every time they use potty correctly, maybe yours will enjoy that. Or some suggest m&m or whatever their favorite treat is. Sounds like there isn’t much else you can improve on in this regard. Best of luck 🙏🏽🩶🩶🩶🩶, We're just staying in the underwear-free stage for much, much longer. As long as it takes, really, I'm letting him take the lead on that. The weather's getting warmer and I'm home all day with them anyway as it's the Easter holidays so, he's just Pooh-Bearing about the place and he's absolutely mastering it. We had the same drama - pants and trousers send him right back to the start. So we just, went back to the beginning. Three days is a very short amount of time to get through the naked part and introduce clothes, so maybe just stay away from getting dressed a while longer until it's properly locked in? I must say though, you couldn't have picked a worse time, or rather, your kid couldn't! Good on you and good luck with the last bit of pregnancy., Oh and I also played lots of potty time YouTube videos that show people her age on the potty “having a blast” so to speak, to build her comfort, Potty training can feel like you're in the trenches sometimes, especially with all the other stuff life throws at you, like being pregnant with twins. That's a whole lot on your plate! It sounds like you're already doing a ton of things right, especially noticing and responding to your son's cues. One thing you might try is making it more of a game/routine? Sometimes kids respond better to fun than to being told what to do. Not sure what you've tried, but maybe turn underwear time into a celebration, with stickers or a special treat for every successful trip to the potty. And if standing up is his jam and it's successful for peeing, I'd say go with it for now lol. (Also, don't forget to take care of yourself. It's easy to get overwhelmed, but sounds like you're doing an amazing job! Hang in there, mama. You've got this!) *Editing because I realized I didn't really answer your question whoops!* For underwear: He might learn better by demonstration/modeling since it sounds like he may not have the receptive language yet. You could use a doll or even yourself (if you're comfortable with that) to demonstrate pulling down underwear first, then going to the potty. You could try a simple visual chart to hang in the bathroom with something like First pants down, Then potty to reinforce the routine., I've been struggling for 2 years now, I feel your pain, Oh, man. My grandson is seven and still in pullups. We've tried everything, bought countless potty chairs. He won't use them. And if we get insistent, he starts reverting back to babbling baby talk. He's in kindergarten this year. 1st grade next year. We don't know what else to try. I've bought toys, candy. Coloring books. Regular books. We've watched YouTube videos. Bought the underwear with no peepee holes cause he hates those others. Nothing has worked. His teachers keep reminding us that next year, he'll be in regular classes with the bathroom in the hall. I don't know what else to try that doesn't cause him to revert back to baby talk or just having a meltdown in general. It's exhausting., You're right! I work from home so he really can be naked all day. I do have to drop his sister off at school but if has just peed he's usually good for another hour or so but if not he can stay home with dad! It really was the worst timing cause I was prepared to just have 3 kids in diapers 😂 I forget very easily that he is only 2.5 and alot of kids even neurotypical boys don't potty train till much later, Yeah I've gave him treats the first and second day and today is Easter so he's kinda all candied out! I've been putting on some potty training videos and certain ones do seem to hold his attention longer. I will just come and go when he has to on the potty. He doesn't say that he has to go pee but will say he has to poop. So when he has clothes on he just comes and stand at the potty and pees all over himself., Thank you! I think I will start to incorporate showing him how we use the big potty and maybe buy him a seat for the big potty instead of the little one. He is really big on imitating so maybe that might help him understand a little better how the whole process works!, Any tips to develop receptive language?, I'm sorry! Hope we both can get this down, I'm sorry! I can't imagine how exhausting that is! I have older nephews who are also autistic and they struggled with potty training as well, I think the oldest was around your grandsons age maybe older when he finally got it down! I hope something catches on for your grandson!, My next answer may be controversial, so plz take all with a grain of salt, maybe baby needs a little more time before potty training . If you really want to pursue this more, I would block off a whole Friday to Monday and follow them everywhere they go as much as possible to ensure you catch all the accidents as they become more comfortable. I got that part from a book my mom gave me a few months ago, I’m gonna go find it and edit it into the comment, Thank you! Sending best wishes your way!, I think he's ready, he only has accidents when he's clothed. He does it perfectly when naked, which I heard can be common for some kids that they struggle when you out clothes on. My older daughter was potty trained fairly easy. So although I've potty trained before, never a boy and it was easy 😂 I work from him so I don't mind following him and reminding him. He just has a pretty big speech delay and a delay in receptive and expressive language so I'm not sure if he understands me sometimes., I totally understand. I think you got this! Plz report back and let us know how it’s going. 💪🏾 https://preview.redd.it/uy52ijdhmrrc1.png?width=2437&format=png&auto=webp&s=967b1527797aac662aa3b4b5c14d5c188966f2c6, I’ve been giving mine tiny toys from dollar store every time they use potty correctly, maybe yours will enjoy that. Or some suggest m&m or whatever their favorite treat is. Sounds like there isn’t much else you can improve on in this regard. Best of luck 🙏🏽🩶🩶🩶🩶, We're just staying in the underwear-free stage for much, much longer. As long as it takes, really, I'm letting him take the lead on that. The weather's getting warmer and I'm home all day with them anyway as it's the Easter holidays so, he's just Pooh-Bearing about the place and he's absolutely mastering it. We had the same drama - pants and trousers send him right back to the start. So we just, went back to the beginning. Three days is a very short amount of time to get through the naked part and introduce clothes, so maybe just stay away from getting dressed a while longer until it's properly locked in? I must say though, you couldn't have picked a worse time, or rather, your kid couldn't! Good on you and good luck with the last bit of pregnancy., Oh and I also played lots of potty time YouTube videos that show people her age on the potty “having a blast” so to speak, to build her comfort, Potty training can feel like you're in the trenches sometimes, especially with all the other stuff life throws at you, like being pregnant with twins. That's a whole lot on your plate! It sounds like you're already doing a ton of things right, especially noticing and responding to your son's cues. One thing you might try is making it more of a game/routine? Sometimes kids respond better to fun than to being told what to do. Not sure what you've tried, but maybe turn underwear time into a celebration, with stickers or a special treat for every successful trip to the potty. And if standing up is his jam and it's successful for peeing, I'd say go with it for now lol. (Also, don't forget to take care of yourself. It's easy to get overwhelmed, but sounds like you're doing an amazing job! Hang in there, mama. You've got this!) *Editing because I realized I didn't really answer your question whoops!* For underwear: He might learn better by demonstration/modeling since it sounds like he may not have the receptive language yet. You could use a doll or even yourself (if you're comfortable with that) to demonstrate pulling down underwear first, then going to the potty. You could try a simple visual chart to hang in the bathroom with something like First pants down, Then potty to reinforce the routine., I've been struggling for 2 years now, I feel your pain, Oh, man. My grandson is seven and still in pullups. We've tried everything, bought countless potty chairs. He won't use them. And if we get insistent, he starts reverting back to babbling baby talk. He's in kindergarten this year. 1st grade next year. We don't know what else to try. I've bought toys, candy. Coloring books. Regular books. We've watched YouTube videos. Bought the underwear with no peepee holes cause he hates those others. Nothing has worked. His teachers keep reminding us that next year, he'll be in regular classes with the bathroom in the hall. I don't know what else to try that doesn't cause him to revert back to baby talk or just having a meltdown in general. It's exhausting., You're right! I work from home so he really can be naked all day. I do have to drop his sister off at school but if has just peed he's usually good for another hour or so but if not he can stay home with dad! It really was the worst timing cause I was prepared to just have 3 kids in diapers 😂 I forget very easily that he is only 2.5 and alot of kids even neurotypical boys don't potty train till much later, Yeah I've gave him treats the first and second day and today is Easter so he's kinda all candied out! I've been putting on some potty training videos and certain ones do seem to hold his attention longer. I will just come and go when he has to on the potty. He doesn't say that he has to go pee but will say he has to poop. So when he has clothes on he just comes and stand at the potty and pees all over himself., Thank you! I think I will start to incorporate showing him how we use the big potty and maybe buy him a seat for the big potty instead of the little one. He is really big on imitating so maybe that might help him understand a little better how the whole process works!, Any tips to develop receptive language?, I'm sorry! Hope we both can get this down, I'm sorry! I can't imagine how exhausting that is! I have older nephews who are also autistic and they struggled with potty training as well, I think the oldest was around your grandsons age maybe older when he finally got it down! I hope something catches on for your grandson!, My next answer may be controversial, so plz take all with a grain of salt, maybe baby needs a little more time before potty training . If you really want to pursue this more, I would block off a whole Friday to Monday and follow them everywhere they go as much as possible to ensure you catch all the accidents as they become more comfortable. I got that part from a book my mom gave me a few months ago, I’m gonna go find it and edit it into the comment, Thank you! Sending best wishes your way!, I think he's ready, he only has accidents when he's clothed. He does it perfectly when naked, which I heard can be common for some kids that they struggle when you out clothes on. My older daughter was potty trained fairly easy. So although I've potty trained before, never a boy and it was easy 😂 I work from him so I don't mind following him and reminding him. He just has a pretty big speech delay and a delay in receptive and expressive language so I'm not sure if he understands me sometimes., I totally understand. I think you got this! Plz report back and let us know how it’s going. 💪🏾 https://preview.redd.it/uy52ijdhmrrc1.png?width=2437&format=png&auto=webp&s=967b1527797aac662aa3b4b5c14d5c188966f2c6

Potty training tips & stories?

My son will be 4 years old in May. He was diagnosed with autism in December (we don’t do levels in the UK). He’s non verbal and a sensory seeker but generally a happy little boy. We tried potty training about a year ago and it was a disaster. He held his poop in until we put the nappy back on and we could get him to pee a in potty or toilet. Would like to try again as he’s going to school in September and would be keen to hear stories or tips from others. Maybe it’s too early and we should hold off for a bit longer? What age did others manage potty training? How did it take? Any tips like skipping the potty and going straight to the toilet? Potty reading pants etc? He will sometimes ask us to change his nappy by hand leading. Other times he won’t be bothered by it

I managed to potty train my son at 2.5 because he wasn’t diagnosed yet. We do the no bottoms. We hand out at the house for a week with salty snacks and juice (increases the opportunities). If he pees on the floor (or even poops) we clean it up. We go sit on the toilet and read a book. My son has a neurotypical twin sister that actually took longer to train., I managed to potty train my son at 2.5 because he wasn’t diagnosed yet. We do the no bottoms. We hand out at the house for a week with salty snacks and juice (increases the opportunities). If he pees on the floor (or even poops) we clean it up. We go sit on the toilet and read a book. My son has a neurotypical twin sister that actually took longer to train., I managed to potty train my son at 2.5 because he wasn’t diagnosed yet. We do the no bottoms. We hand out at the house for a week with salty snacks and juice (increases the opportunities). If he pees on the floor (or even poops) we clean it up. We go sit on the toilet and read a book. My son has a neurotypical twin sister that actually took longer to train., I managed to potty train my son at 2.5 because he wasn’t diagnosed yet. We do the no bottoms. We hand out at the house for a week with salty snacks and juice (increases the opportunities). If he pees on the floor (or even poops) we clean it up. We go sit on the toilet and read a book. My son has a neurotypical twin sister that actually took longer to train.

Preteen Girl undershirt suggestions needed

My daughter is struggling with wearing bras. She cannot stand how it feels to have something tight or restricting under her bust. I’ve tried many different camis, sports bras, bralettes. She hates them. Tried going bra shopping with her friend to make it like a special event. She won’t budge. She’s very girly and doesn’t regularly wear baggy clothes. She will wear a regular cami like undershirt under clothes but it’s getting to the point where she needs some coverage. I’m looking for an undershirt that could provide coverage without too much padding or restriction. Any suggestions? She’s size XS/S in women’s. Thanks in advance

Cami with a built in bra?, Have you thought of custom making something she can tolerate? Since it's going to be under her clothes it doesn't have to look pretty, just be functional. You can test various padding materials to see what she likes, What about a long line sports bra or cami? So not one that falls under her bust but the bottom of it actually sits further down on her waist, that way it’s not riding up and getting like sweaty and itchy under her bust? Like this https://www.victoriassecret.com/us/pink/bras-catalog/5000009318?genericId=11203464&choice=15T0&size1=XL&size1=XL&cm_mmc=PLA-_-GOOGLE-_-VSD_PINK_Bras_PMAX-_-&gad_source=1&gclsrc=ds, She doesn’t like how the elastic feels under her bust, That would be my last resort. I’m thinking compression shirt possibly in a bigger size after googling., That could work! Definitely going to give that a shot! Thanks, Cami with a built in bra?, Have you thought of custom making something she can tolerate? Since it's going to be under her clothes it doesn't have to look pretty, just be functional. You can test various padding materials to see what she likes, What about a long line sports bra or cami? So not one that falls under her bust but the bottom of it actually sits further down on her waist, that way it’s not riding up and getting like sweaty and itchy under her bust? Like this https://www.victoriassecret.com/us/pink/bras-catalog/5000009318?genericId=11203464&choice=15T0&size1=XL&size1=XL&cm_mmc=PLA-_-GOOGLE-_-VSD_PINK_Bras_PMAX-_-&gad_source=1&gclsrc=ds, She doesn’t like how the elastic feels under her bust, That would be my last resort. I’m thinking compression shirt possibly in a bigger size after googling., That could work! Definitely going to give that a shot! Thanks, Cami with a built in bra?, Have you thought of custom making something she can tolerate? Since it's going to be under her clothes it doesn't have to look pretty, just be functional. You can test various padding materials to see what she likes, What about a long line sports bra or cami? So not one that falls under her bust but the bottom of it actually sits further down on her waist, that way it’s not riding up and getting like sweaty and itchy under her bust? Like this https://www.victoriassecret.com/us/pink/bras-catalog/5000009318?genericId=11203464&choice=15T0&size1=XL&size1=XL&cm_mmc=PLA-_-GOOGLE-_-VSD_PINK_Bras_PMAX-_-&gad_source=1&gclsrc=ds, She doesn’t like how the elastic feels under her bust, That would be my last resort. I’m thinking compression shirt possibly in a bigger size after googling., That could work! Definitely going to give that a shot! Thanks, Cami with a built in bra?, Have you thought of custom making something she can tolerate? Since it's going to be under her clothes it doesn't have to look pretty, just be functional. You can test various padding materials to see what she likes, What about a long line sports bra or cami? So not one that falls under her bust but the bottom of it actually sits further down on her waist, that way it’s not riding up and getting like sweaty and itchy under her bust? Like this https://www.victoriassecret.com/us/pink/bras-catalog/5000009318?genericId=11203464&choice=15T0&size1=XL&size1=XL&cm_mmc=PLA-_-GOOGLE-_-VSD_PINK_Bras_PMAX-_-&gad_source=1&gclsrc=ds, She doesn’t like how the elastic feels under her bust, That would be my last resort. I’m thinking compression shirt possibly in a bigger size after googling., That could work! Definitely going to give that a shot! Thanks

Preventing Mayhem: Need tips on locking stuff up, storage systems, locking rooms behind us, etc

Me (Severe ADHD) and my husband (Level 1 Autism) have a 4 year old (Level 2 Autism) who is constantly on a mission to destroy things. Just in the last hour he dumped a whole gallon jug of water on the floor, emptied a whole tube of toothpaste into the sink, and chewed up some of his father's Tums. When he has a meltdown, it's worse. He knocks over every single thing in reach until we physically restrain him. This is a relatively new behavior, and we are hoping it's a phase, but we can't hold him down and keep him from touching anything all the time. What do people do to keep all the objects in the house from becoming a pile on the floor? Keep everything locked up? Storage cabinets? Key locks on the office and the parent's bedroom? What about the fridge? All advice, links to products, etc very very welcome.

[deleted], We keep the toxic stuff and meds in the bathroom that we keep locked. In his room, there's nothing large enough or delicate enough to cause damage if he gets angry and throws it. The living room can be a mixed bag. But he usually just knocks over a chair or clears the table of papers. When he's acting out of anger like that, I honestly let him do it and ignore the behavior (as long as he isn't hurting himself). He'll have to clean up his mess when the meltdown is done and we can talk again. I don't want to give him any attention to that kind of behavior because that's rewarding., My kid is way older, and the risk is different…instead of accidentally eating things he shouldn’t, we have to prevent him from intentionally doing it. But, we keep medications (including supplements and such) and sharp objects in lock boxes. They don’t make the specific ones we use anymore, as we’ve been using them since 2016, but you can find lots of options in many sizes on Amazon., (Commenting now so I can remember to return and review the fridge door lock that’s being delivered Friday), We just put chain locks on all our bedroom doors and slide locks on the doors thar lead to the outside. All breakables have been packed away since he could walk. They make fridge locks and heavy-duty cabinet locks for the kitchen. Holding him down during a meltdown will just make it worse. He can't control it and you can't stop it. Make a safe place for him and you to go together while it's happening. Then talk about it when it's done., We have combination locks everywhere, padlocks, special fridge locks, and sliding bolts on the front and back doors. He knows to use a chair to extend his reach so that's why we have combination locks everywhere., Here’s the lock we use for bathroom doors Improved Childproof Door Lever... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07RVGYRL6?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share Here’s what we use for the fridge and medicine cabinets Child Safety Cabinet Locks - (10... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07TV9QY16?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share, Toothpaste and tums. Oh man that was my kid. He ate 5 tums once and we made some changes. With meds we put them in the pantry instead of on our dresser. On the phase thing - regardless of if he stays destructive, he sounds crafty like my guy. Keep anything remotely dangerous out of reach and behind doors., Message received. We're getting serious starting now., How do you keep your bathroom locked? Is it a key door or like a hook and eyelet up high?, Incredible. Thank you so much!, [removed], Yep. Like an outside doorknob you can get from home depot or Michael's. We did this from age 3 to about 8ish My LO is 9 now, so we don't keep it locked very much anymore so he can go potty by himself. But he's old enough and verbal enough to understand the difference between being angry and throwing a shoe vs getting drain cleaner and drinking it. He's finally understanding some of the more permanent dangers of these items., I do wanna caution that "denial accesses to a bathroom" can be illegal in some states. I'm not sure if they give leniency for special needs kiddos, Are you in ABA? Our 4 year old non verbal has limited receptive language so there’s basically no way to communicate with him to stop when he’s doing property destruction. It actually seemed to make him more hyper... Until we started using ABA techniques. That is the only way we have any control over his behavior., Good effort to be useful, bot., That's helpful. Thank you!, He's in full day special ed preschool, so we never looked into ABA. I wonder if it would be worth doing on the weekend or as part of a long weekday., We do after pre school every day for about 2 hours., Wow! Is it drop off? Or do you stay and participate? I have another kid I'd have to entertain., It’s at home but you have to be present. Insurance covers a technician from an ABA firm. The technician we get are young folks usually in school and not BCBA certified yet but they do a solid job and have a supervisor. Would recommend you look into it., At home would be ideal. I'm going to look into it right now. Thank you so much.

Preverbal 3 year old, looking for support

My son will be 3 in June. He was diagnosed with autism in January and has been getting occupational therapy, speech, and DI. He isn’t talking much yet. He’s said a lot of words, and used about 10 functionally but not consistently. We don’t live that close to family and we went to visit for Easter and it’s never been more clear how different my son is. Of course he didn’t answer when anyone called his name. I don’t think he even acknowledged anyone the whole day. He was to him self in his own little world only really acknowledging me and my husband. He did have a few moments of getting upset and trying to bang his head on the floor but we made sure to intervene quickly. I went into this family dinner nervous about the topic of my son having autism coming up and not knowing how to have that conversation but I really didn’t need to because it was obvious. At some point a family friend asked me if he was on the spectrum and I did answer honestly. His receptive language isn’t good at all. He can’t follow direction. As I mentioned he can say words and even fills in the blanks sometimes when watching Ms Rachel but he’s not talking. He will ask for a bar by saying “bar” or he will repeat when I say “open” and he repeats other words. He has used open unprompted but only a few times. My son is very stubborn, his gross motor skills are exceptional and he’s great at problem solving. I think my husband and I are just really worried about his cognitive, receptive and expressive language, of course I want him to be able to speak up for himself and communicate with us. He had an ear infection and couldn’t tell us. We figured it out on our on but moments like that make me sad he isn’t talking yet. Anyone go through anything similar and their 2/3 year old got better than the language? Looking for any positive stories.

Sounds about where my son was at that age. He’s 4.5 now and is very verbal. He’s not really conversational but can answer basic questions. He’s communicating needs and even tells jokes. He sings songs, repeats scripts from TV and movies. It’s been a long journey but seems like he’s making more progress everyday. Does your son use a tablet or AAC device? That was the game changer for us. And with it being Autism Awareness Month, the apps are usually on sale. My son used TouchChat on an iPad mini. He still uses it sometimes when we go out because he has trouble speaking in public still. And I hear you on the ear infection. That happened to us too. He didn’t even pull on his ear so who knows how long he had it before we figured it out. Also acknowledging how hard it can be on holidays and family gatherings. My son has grown leaps and bounds…but the second we’re around my family the difference is so stark. Especially because my nephew is only 11 days older. All that to say, progress is progress. Hang in there and celebrate when you can…sending you big internet hugs!, It sounds like you're going through a lot right now <3 It's awesome that your son is getting occupational therapy, speech therapy, and developmental intervention – those are crucial steps toward helping him flourish. It's totally understandable to feel worried about his language development, especially when you see him struggling to communicate with others. But progress is definitely possible! I've worked with many kids in similar situations, and I've seen some amazing success stories. First off, early intervention is key. With the right support and therapy, kids can really surprise us with how much progress they can make. Even small victories, like using a new word or understanding a simple instruction, are cause for celebration. And remember, communication isn't just about talking. There are lots of alternative methods, like speech-generating devices, picture cards, or sign language, that can help your son express himself and get his point across -- if you haven't trialed these things with your speech therapist, I think that could be a great thing to bring up! It's awesome to hear that he's got some serious strengths in motor skills and problem-solving – those are fantastic building blocks for communication skills. Try incorporating his interests when you are practicing skills to keep things engaging and fun. And don't forget to take care of yourself too. Hang in there, keep celebrating those little victories, and keep advocating for the support your son needs. You've got this!, My son is almost 4.5 When he was 2.5 we had a really crushing visit with family where it was very evident my son was seriously delayed.  He just fully ignored everyone and everything, eloped like crazy, zero name response, etc.  We’ve seen a ton of progress since then.  (He’s been in private SLT, private OT, and integrated preschool with school services, so credit to therapy for sure.)   In terms of expressive speech - he can label everything, ask for anything, tell us if he’s ok or how he’s feeling, sing songs, recite books whole, make choices, answer some open ended questions, and recently (he’s a GLP so these can be difficult) ask some “where” and “why” questions  (still really rarely, though) and say “yes” or “no” instead of a script or immediate echolalia for those responses.  In terms of receptive language - this has really improved a ton.  He responds to his name now (even if to throw a quick, annoyed look) he follows multi step directions, he listens, he engages (when he wants to - ha). I remember thinking “is he even in there?” At times when he was younger.  I know he’s in there now.  We still have a long way to go, but he’s so happy and funny and smart.  He’s recently taken an interest in spelling/dipping his toes into phonics and he’s been saying some words as they are meant to be said then saying how they could be pronounced, phonetically, given their spelling.  He’s in there and there is a lot going on in there, too.  I’m sure there is for your guy as well. , Thank you sooo much for this! His speech pathologist mentioned an AAC device during his last session so hopefully he can get one soon, we tried PECS but he wasn’t really into the pictures on the board. I’m sure he will be more interested in an electronic., Sounds about where my son was at that age. He’s 4.5 now and is very verbal. He’s not really conversational but can answer basic questions. He’s communicating needs and even tells jokes. He sings songs, repeats scripts from TV and movies. It’s been a long journey but seems like he’s making more progress everyday. Does your son use a tablet or AAC device? That was the game changer for us. And with it being Autism Awareness Month, the apps are usually on sale. My son used TouchChat on an iPad mini. He still uses it sometimes when we go out because he has trouble speaking in public still. And I hear you on the ear infection. That happened to us too. He didn’t even pull on his ear so who knows how long he had it before we figured it out. Also acknowledging how hard it can be on holidays and family gatherings. My son has grown leaps and bounds…but the second we’re around my family the difference is so stark. Especially because my nephew is only 11 days older. All that to say, progress is progress. Hang in there and celebrate when you can…sending you big internet hugs!, It sounds like you're going through a lot right now <3 It's awesome that your son is getting occupational therapy, speech therapy, and developmental intervention – those are crucial steps toward helping him flourish. It's totally understandable to feel worried about his language development, especially when you see him struggling to communicate with others. But progress is definitely possible! I've worked with many kids in similar situations, and I've seen some amazing success stories. First off, early intervention is key. With the right support and therapy, kids can really surprise us with how much progress they can make. Even small victories, like using a new word or understanding a simple instruction, are cause for celebration. And remember, communication isn't just about talking. There are lots of alternative methods, like speech-generating devices, picture cards, or sign language, that can help your son express himself and get his point across -- if you haven't trialed these things with your speech therapist, I think that could be a great thing to bring up! It's awesome to hear that he's got some serious strengths in motor skills and problem-solving – those are fantastic building blocks for communication skills. Try incorporating his interests when you are practicing skills to keep things engaging and fun. And don't forget to take care of yourself too. Hang in there, keep celebrating those little victories, and keep advocating for the support your son needs. You've got this!, My son is almost 4.5 When he was 2.5 we had a really crushing visit with family where it was very evident my son was seriously delayed.  He just fully ignored everyone and everything, eloped like crazy, zero name response, etc.  We’ve seen a ton of progress since then.  (He’s been in private SLT, private OT, and integrated preschool with school services, so credit to therapy for sure.)   In terms of expressive speech - he can label everything, ask for anything, tell us if he’s ok or how he’s feeling, sing songs, recite books whole, make choices, answer some open ended questions, and recently (he’s a GLP so these can be difficult) ask some “where” and “why” questions  (still really rarely, though) and say “yes” or “no” instead of a script or immediate echolalia for those responses.  In terms of receptive language - this has really improved a ton.  He responds to his name now (even if to throw a quick, annoyed look) he follows multi step directions, he listens, he engages (when he wants to - ha). I remember thinking “is he even in there?” At times when he was younger.  I know he’s in there now.  We still have a long way to go, but he’s so happy and funny and smart.  He’s recently taken an interest in spelling/dipping his toes into phonics and he’s been saying some words as they are meant to be said then saying how they could be pronounced, phonetically, given their spelling.  He’s in there and there is a lot going on in there, too.  I’m sure there is for your guy as well. , Thank you sooo much for this! His speech pathologist mentioned an AAC device during his last session so hopefully he can get one soon, we tried PECS but he wasn’t really into the pictures on the board. I’m sure he will be more interested in an electronic., Sounds about where my son was at that age. He’s 4.5 now and is very verbal. He’s not really conversational but can answer basic questions. He’s communicating needs and even tells jokes. He sings songs, repeats scripts from TV and movies. It’s been a long journey but seems like he’s making more progress everyday. Does your son use a tablet or AAC device? That was the game changer for us. And with it being Autism Awareness Month, the apps are usually on sale. My son used TouchChat on an iPad mini. He still uses it sometimes when we go out because he has trouble speaking in public still. And I hear you on the ear infection. That happened to us too. He didn’t even pull on his ear so who knows how long he had it before we figured it out. Also acknowledging how hard it can be on holidays and family gatherings. My son has grown leaps and bounds…but the second we’re around my family the difference is so stark. Especially because my nephew is only 11 days older. All that to say, progress is progress. Hang in there and celebrate when you can…sending you big internet hugs!, It sounds like you're going through a lot right now <3 It's awesome that your son is getting occupational therapy, speech therapy, and developmental intervention – those are crucial steps toward helping him flourish. It's totally understandable to feel worried about his language development, especially when you see him struggling to communicate with others. But progress is definitely possible! I've worked with many kids in similar situations, and I've seen some amazing success stories. First off, early intervention is key. With the right support and therapy, kids can really surprise us with how much progress they can make. Even small victories, like using a new word or understanding a simple instruction, are cause for celebration. And remember, communication isn't just about talking. There are lots of alternative methods, like speech-generating devices, picture cards, or sign language, that can help your son express himself and get his point across -- if you haven't trialed these things with your speech therapist, I think that could be a great thing to bring up! It's awesome to hear that he's got some serious strengths in motor skills and problem-solving – those are fantastic building blocks for communication skills. Try incorporating his interests when you are practicing skills to keep things engaging and fun. And don't forget to take care of yourself too. Hang in there, keep celebrating those little victories, and keep advocating for the support your son needs. You've got this!, My son is almost 4.5 When he was 2.5 we had a really crushing visit with family where it was very evident my son was seriously delayed.  He just fully ignored everyone and everything, eloped like crazy, zero name response, etc.  We’ve seen a ton of progress since then.  (He’s been in private SLT, private OT, and integrated preschool with school services, so credit to therapy for sure.)   In terms of expressive speech - he can label everything, ask for anything, tell us if he’s ok or how he’s feeling, sing songs, recite books whole, make choices, answer some open ended questions, and recently (he’s a GLP so these can be difficult) ask some “where” and “why” questions  (still really rarely, though) and say “yes” or “no” instead of a script or immediate echolalia for those responses.  In terms of receptive language - this has really improved a ton.  He responds to his name now (even if to throw a quick, annoyed look) he follows multi step directions, he listens, he engages (when he wants to - ha). I remember thinking “is he even in there?” At times when he was younger.  I know he’s in there now.  We still have a long way to go, but he’s so happy and funny and smart.  He’s recently taken an interest in spelling/dipping his toes into phonics and he’s been saying some words as they are meant to be said then saying how they could be pronounced, phonetically, given their spelling.  He’s in there and there is a lot going on in there, too.  I’m sure there is for your guy as well. , Thank you sooo much for this! His speech pathologist mentioned an AAC device during his last session so hopefully he can get one soon, we tried PECS but he wasn’t really into the pictures on the board. I’m sure he will be more interested in an electronic., Sounds about where my son was at that age. He’s 4.5 now and is very verbal. He’s not really conversational but can answer basic questions. He’s communicating needs and even tells jokes. He sings songs, repeats scripts from TV and movies. It’s been a long journey but seems like he’s making more progress everyday. Does your son use a tablet or AAC device? That was the game changer for us. And with it being Autism Awareness Month, the apps are usually on sale. My son used TouchChat on an iPad mini. He still uses it sometimes when we go out because he has trouble speaking in public still. And I hear you on the ear infection. That happened to us too. He didn’t even pull on his ear so who knows how long he had it before we figured it out. Also acknowledging how hard it can be on holidays and family gatherings. My son has grown leaps and bounds…but the second we’re around my family the difference is so stark. Especially because my nephew is only 11 days older. All that to say, progress is progress. Hang in there and celebrate when you can…sending you big internet hugs!, It sounds like you're going through a lot right now <3 It's awesome that your son is getting occupational therapy, speech therapy, and developmental intervention – those are crucial steps toward helping him flourish. It's totally understandable to feel worried about his language development, especially when you see him struggling to communicate with others. But progress is definitely possible! I've worked with many kids in similar situations, and I've seen some amazing success stories. First off, early intervention is key. With the right support and therapy, kids can really surprise us with how much progress they can make. Even small victories, like using a new word or understanding a simple instruction, are cause for celebration. And remember, communication isn't just about talking. There are lots of alternative methods, like speech-generating devices, picture cards, or sign language, that can help your son express himself and get his point across -- if you haven't trialed these things with your speech therapist, I think that could be a great thing to bring up! It's awesome to hear that he's got some serious strengths in motor skills and problem-solving – those are fantastic building blocks for communication skills. Try incorporating his interests when you are practicing skills to keep things engaging and fun. And don't forget to take care of yourself too. Hang in there, keep celebrating those little victories, and keep advocating for the support your son needs. You've got this!, My son is almost 4.5 When he was 2.5 we had a really crushing visit with family where it was very evident my son was seriously delayed.  He just fully ignored everyone and everything, eloped like crazy, zero name response, etc.  We’ve seen a ton of progress since then.  (He’s been in private SLT, private OT, and integrated preschool with school services, so credit to therapy for sure.)   In terms of expressive speech - he can label everything, ask for anything, tell us if he’s ok or how he’s feeling, sing songs, recite books whole, make choices, answer some open ended questions, and recently (he’s a GLP so these can be difficult) ask some “where” and “why” questions  (still really rarely, though) and say “yes” or “no” instead of a script or immediate echolalia for those responses.  In terms of receptive language - this has really improved a ton.  He responds to his name now (even if to throw a quick, annoyed look) he follows multi step directions, he listens, he engages (when he wants to - ha). I remember thinking “is he even in there?” At times when he was younger.  I know he’s in there now.  We still have a long way to go, but he’s so happy and funny and smart.  He’s recently taken an interest in spelling/dipping his toes into phonics and he’s been saying some words as they are meant to be said then saying how they could be pronounced, phonetically, given their spelling.  He’s in there and there is a lot going on in there, too.  I’m sure there is for your guy as well. , Thank you sooo much for this! His speech pathologist mentioned an AAC device during his last session so hopefully he can get one soon, we tried PECS but he wasn’t really into the pictures on the board. I’m sure he will be more interested in an electronic.

Preverbal 3 year old, need support

My son will be 3 in June. He was diagnosed with autism in January and has been getting occupational therapy, speech, and DI. He isn’t talking much yet. He’s said a lot of words, and used about 10 functionally but not consistently. We don’t live that close to family and we went to visit for Easter and it’s never been more clear how different my son is. Of course he didn’t answer when anyone called his name. I don’t think he even acknowledged anyone the whole day. He was to him self in his own little world only really acknowledging me and my husband. He did have a few moments of getting upset and trying to bang his head on the floor but we made sure to intervene quickly. I went into this family dinner nervous about the topic of my son having autism coming up and not knowing how to have that conversation but I really didn’t need to because it was obvious. At some point a family friend asked me if he was on the spectrum and I did answer honestly. His receptive language isn’t good at all. He can’t follow direction. As I mentioned he can say words and even fills in the blanks sometimes when watching Ms Rachel but he’s not talking. He will ask for a bar by saying “bar” or he will repeat when I say “open” and he repeats other words. He has used open unprompted but only a few times. My son is very stubborn, his gross motor skills are exceptional and he’s great at problem solving. I think my husband and I are just really worried about his cognitive, receptive and expressive language, of course I want him to be able to speak up for himself and communicate with us. He had an ear infection and couldn’t tell us. We figured it out on our on but moments like that make me sad he isn’t talking yet. Anyone go through anything similar and their 2/3 year old got better than the language? Looking for any positive stories.

Yours sounds like mine, he turned 3 at the end of February. About the same, only says a few words, does a lot of hand leading and stimming. I would say just a few weeks before he turned 3 he had a jump in receptive language skills. "Pick a book" "bum change" "going in the bath" small single task phrases he understands now so it does slowly progress. Still isn't talking. Every kid is different., Yours sounds like mine, he turned 3 at the end of February. About the same, only says a few words, does a lot of hand leading and stimming. I would say just a few weeks before he turned 3 he had a jump in receptive language skills. "Pick a book" "bum change" "going in the bath" small single task phrases he understands now so it does slowly progress. Still isn't talking. Every kid is different., Yours sounds like mine, he turned 3 at the end of February. About the same, only says a few words, does a lot of hand leading and stimming. I would say just a few weeks before he turned 3 he had a jump in receptive language skills. "Pick a book" "bum change" "going in the bath" small single task phrases he understands now so it does slowly progress. Still isn't talking. Every kid is different., Yours sounds like mine, he turned 3 at the end of February. About the same, only says a few words, does a lot of hand leading and stimming. I would say just a few weeks before he turned 3 he had a jump in receptive language skills. "Pick a book" "bum change" "going in the bath" small single task phrases he understands now so it does slowly progress. Still isn't talking. Every kid is different.

Professionals and parents alike, what kind of therapy interventions would you recommend for my 2 y/o son who has an IFSP and was denied a psych eval?

My son is 26 months old, I noticed that he had a speech delay, loved mouthing everything and was not pointing to show/engage at 12 months, doc recommended to wait. At 18 months speech improved a little but same issues were evident and doc still recommended to wait. I started to crack around 20 months applied for Early Intervention on my own. ST eval suggested support with expressive, receptive, and social pragmatics language. 2 x a week. (They were searching for an in-person ST but none were available. So he is about to start online sessions which I am really not happy about.) Developmental eval suggested special instruction 2 x a week and a psych eval. (He started SI right after the IFSP and it’s in person. His attention span is improving and he is learning so well and it’s only been 2 months. Very happy with this.) OT eval suggested some fine motor skills 1 x week. (I never had motor concerns but I was shown areas that he could improve in. This is online, been 1.5 months) IFSP meeting did not approve my son for psych eval and said that they felt as though he did not need it and they would reassess again in 6 months. (This was about 2 months ago) Bottom line: I am aware that the first 3 years of life are very important. I want to make sure that denying my son a psych eval is not going to negatively impact him. For example, possible ABA therapy or whatever the case may be. I don’t mind paying out of pocket for services if I know that my son would greatly benefit from it. Since he was denied a psych eval, I unofficially diagnosed him with ASD level 1 by going off of the criteria. Any advice from parents or professionals in terms of intervention would be highly appreciated. Below are more details about my son: My son is very cheerful and social, he plays with his sister and cousins as well as with kids he meets at the park. His joint attention is great with physical play but not so good when playing with toys. He would not look at me or his sister while playing with a car even if we are actively trying to engage. He can play pretend tea parties: He tips the teapot and pours the pretend tea into the cup, then drinks it and says “Mmm”. He is starting to point to identify things in books when asked but still not pointing to choose or communicate without prompt. He says about 40 ish words. He imitates and sings songs well. He says and knows who mommy and daddy is but never says it in terms of communication. Like he would not call for our attention using our “names”. He answers to his name mostly if he is not distracted/ doing an activity and at times he would purposely ignore you. He stims… likes to run in place, run around in a circle etc, likes to look at light and feel/scratch surfaces, the only stim that we are worried about is the oral fixation. Worried that he will mouth things when he starts school. We would like to encourage better ways for him to cope. He has a short attention span, distracted easily, hated books and so far made great improvement with the SI therapist in the past 2 months. If anyone needs more info I’d be glad to provide. Thank you in advance for any kind of feedback!

Other than pushing for in person therapies (which made a significant difference for us at that age), it sounds like you have all of the bases covered. That is what we did for my son who has a level 2 diagnosis. We no longer do developmental therapy, but we do music therapy instead, mostly because he loves music and it encourages his speech a lot., Thank you! I am considering in-person ST out of pocket. What kind of developmental therapy did he do?, Other than pushing for in person therapies (which made a significant difference for us at that age), it sounds like you have all of the bases covered. That is what we did for my son who has a level 2 diagnosis. We no longer do developmental therapy, but we do music therapy instead, mostly because he loves music and it encourages his speech a lot., Thank you! I am considering in-person ST out of pocket. What kind of developmental therapy did he do?, Other than pushing for in person therapies (which made a significant difference for us at that age), it sounds like you have all of the bases covered. That is what we did for my son who has a level 2 diagnosis. We no longer do developmental therapy, but we do music therapy instead, mostly because he loves music and it encourages his speech a lot., Thank you! I am considering in-person ST out of pocket. What kind of developmental therapy did he do?, Other than pushing for in person therapies (which made a significant difference for us at that age), it sounds like you have all of the bases covered. That is what we did for my son who has a level 2 diagnosis. We no longer do developmental therapy, but we do music therapy instead, mostly because he loves music and it encourages his speech a lot., Thank you! I am considering in-person ST out of pocket. What kind of developmental therapy did he do?

Providing respite care for a 4-year-old

Hi, I recently started working with a 4-year-old who is on the spectrum and nonverbal. While I know every child is different, I was hoping this sub could provide me with ideas for activities to do with her. Obviously, her parents know her best and have let me know about her daily routine, preferred items, and things like that, but if you all have any tips on how to get her to be more comfortable with me or ideas for activities and crafts, that would be amazing. If this isn't allowed, feel free to delete!

You might try sensory activities/ sensory bins., Play with anything related to Alphabets or numbers. Eg if there is a lego, make an A or 1 and start from there. If there is a play dough, same thing. This works with almost every child. Second sensory play. Third, let them lead you to do what they want. It might be just running around or jumping etc., It’s highly dependent on the child and the interests. If she is regulated the she might be ready to play with something that requires more focus. If she has the zoomies (that’s what I call it when my son just needs to move or stim) then it would be a good idea to make the activity a physical one. My son loves counting so when he needs physical activity we pick a number and he does that many jumps on the trampoline. Make the counting fun by speeding up or slowing down the count., You are so sweet. The main thing is to follow her interests. It can often be really different than what you might imagine she’d want to do. I always have the best time with my kid when I join his world instead of asking him to join mine and play the way that makes sense to me., You might try sensory activities/ sensory bins., Play with anything related to Alphabets or numbers. Eg if there is a lego, make an A or 1 and start from there. If there is a play dough, same thing. This works with almost every child. Second sensory play. Third, let them lead you to do what they want. It might be just running around or jumping etc., It’s highly dependent on the child and the interests. If she is regulated the she might be ready to play with something that requires more focus. If she has the zoomies (that’s what I call it when my son just needs to move or stim) then it would be a good idea to make the activity a physical one. My son loves counting so when he needs physical activity we pick a number and he does that many jumps on the trampoline. Make the counting fun by speeding up or slowing down the count., You are so sweet. The main thing is to follow her interests. It can often be really different than what you might imagine she’d want to do. I always have the best time with my kid when I join his world instead of asking him to join mine and play the way that makes sense to me., You might try sensory activities/ sensory bins., Play with anything related to Alphabets or numbers. Eg if there is a lego, make an A or 1 and start from there. If there is a play dough, same thing. This works with almost every child. Second sensory play. Third, let them lead you to do what they want. It might be just running around or jumping etc., It’s highly dependent on the child and the interests. If she is regulated the she might be ready to play with something that requires more focus. If she has the zoomies (that’s what I call it when my son just needs to move or stim) then it would be a good idea to make the activity a physical one. My son loves counting so when he needs physical activity we pick a number and he does that many jumps on the trampoline. Make the counting fun by speeding up or slowing down the count., You are so sweet. The main thing is to follow her interests. It can often be really different than what you might imagine she’d want to do. I always have the best time with my kid when I join his world instead of asking him to join mine and play the way that makes sense to me., You might try sensory activities/ sensory bins., Play with anything related to Alphabets or numbers. Eg if there is a lego, make an A or 1 and start from there. If there is a play dough, same thing. This works with almost every child. Second sensory play. Third, let them lead you to do what they want. It might be just running around or jumping etc., It’s highly dependent on the child and the interests. If she is regulated the she might be ready to play with something that requires more focus. If she has the zoomies (that’s what I call it when my son just needs to move or stim) then it would be a good idea to make the activity a physical one. My son loves counting so when he needs physical activity we pick a number and he does that many jumps on the trampoline. Make the counting fun by speeding up or slowing down the count., You are so sweet. The main thing is to follow her interests. It can often be really different than what you might imagine she’d want to do. I always have the best time with my kid when I join his world instead of asking him to join mine and play the way that makes sense to me.

Quesiton about early intervention

Hi everyone, I have a 15 month old daughter. Her profile is she makes amazing eye contact and has good joint attention. Gets engaged in games like pat-a-cake and peek-a-boo. Seems to have some receptive language (e.g., if you say "clock" she'll look at the clock or if I begin "teddy bear teddy bear turn around" she'll sometimes hand me the teddy bear if she's not distracted by something else) although she doesn't answer to her name very often. Doesn't point or wave yet although she can high five and clap. Started hand leading on occasion. Babbles dadadada rarely and that's the extent of her speech. Doesn't seem to stim or toe walk although she occasionally rubs at her ears. Good sleep and no behavioral issues. Everybody keeps talking about how early intervention makes all the difference but then in another group a mother said "don't get hung up on speech as an outcome." I get what she's saying -- there's no way to guarantee she'll talk -- but I think being verbal would make my daughter's life easier and I don't think it's unreasonable to hope that it happens as an outcome for all this early intervention. I guess my question is what's the point of early intervention (so many people say "the earlier the better!") if it might not even result in speech? Are there some approaches that are more effective than others (Should I be looking into getting her into ABA? Early Start Denver Model? I'm very new to this)? Anyone have a kid that looked like mine who can give some pointers? I appreciate your advice.

To use some of the words of that mother, I wouldn’t get hung up on the words of someone who doesn’t know your child. That said, she is right in that verbal speech may not be the immediate goal. Foremost, the goal is effective communication, and that can take many forms. But, for sure, it will be everyone’s ultimate goal to encourage and foster verbal communication. Eye contact and joint attention are two strong pre-verbal skills. And, your child’s SLP will be working on those first, as pre-verbal and non-verbal communication (eg pointing, waving) are the precursors to speech. My son always had eye contact, and some joint attention. Right before he started speaking words around 25 months, his amount of joint attention jumped up. Secondly, yeah, I’ll give you my honest opinion about early intervention. It did benefit my son greatly. He went from probably level 3 at 2yo to somewhere between level 1 and 2 at 3yo and in an inclusion pre-k setting. But, he’s still very much autistic. And has a number of struggles from it. So, it’s not the end all be all. It’s important to keep expectations in check. Feel free to DM if any further questions., Two things can be true—don’t get hung up on specific outcomes, and early intervention helps give a kid the best odds of meeting their full potential. For many kids that includes verbal communication, for others it doesn’t. But the therapy can still be beneficial for developing non-verbal communication if your child ends up not speaking or speaking very late. We started speech at 18 months, and my kid said her first word a couple months later. Maybe she would have done that without speech therapy, but I do think continued speech therapy and OT over several years have helped her development of language and life/classroom skills., The purpose of early intervention for my oldest is the greatest amount of autonomy possible, because we don’t currently have reason to believe that any amount of therapy will result in him becoming verbal or fully independent. However, as an adult slight differences in the amount of personal autonomy can be vastly different qualities of life. There are a lot of families on different roads with early intervention, and you don’t have to go down all of them - just the one that your specific child is on. A lot of parents will perceive their perspective as being more universal than it is. It’s ok for speech to currently be a goal for your child. The important thing is to be in sync with your therapists about what the goals are.

Question about EI at 15 months

Hi all, I've always been very relaxed on milestones but the other day I realized my 15 month baby girl is singificantly delayed in multiple areas. She's not walking or talking (she babbles dada dada sometimes), doesn't answer to her name (but will always respond very well to her favorite songs), and she's not pointing. She occasionally claps and used to give more high fives but doesn't anymore. She does make excellent eye contact, giggles and laughs with me, looks at where I point, engages somewhat in games like peek-a-boo and finds them amusing, and is good at imaginative play (e.g., giving her baby doll a bottle). I've always known she marched to the beat of a different drummer and was highly interested in exploring the world and various objects but only now I'm realizing it might signify that she's ASD. I'm curious what the outcomes of early intervention are for children who don't respond to their name and seem to maybe have some receptive delays. I would love to get her talking and am doing all that I can do to get her there. Also, as navigating this world is new to me, uplifting stories you have of your amazing kiddos would be so appreciated.

Hi so I noticed my son not responding to his name around 18 months but he always had great imaginative play, had gestures but didn’t wave high and bye to people often. I think it’s too early to diagnose but early intervention is key. My son was diagnosed with mild to moderate ASD but has made amazing strides and is in daycare with NT peers. He is doing amazing and I truly feel that if I got him early intervention at 18 months he probably wouldn’t have met the diagnostic threshold for an autism diagnosis. But I’m actually glad he did bc that opens up a ton of resources for him. Regardless of your child’s diagnosis she is showing great strengths and may just need some assistance along the way to meet her full potential. I would NOT take a wait and see approach even that young bc their brains have so much plasticity when they’re so young. Keep pushing for therapy and remember you are your child’s best teacher/therapist, Here is what has worked for my family and many others around us 1) get a diagnosis 2)intensive early prevention through your state/county or private insurance. This has been instrumental to my son’s success 4) become an expert on your child. You will be her biggest advocate 5) contact the school district about their special education programs and when your daughter can start attending 6) this is a marathon, not a sprint. Take care of yourself and take it a day at the time., We started early intervention for my son (now 5 and a half) during the pandemic. It was over zoom for all but the last 2 visits. So while I don’t have experience with typical EI, it was still helpful for us because of the connections we made. Our early intervention SLP was the first person who suggested he could have autism. We already suspected it, but it was reassuring that someone else saw what we did. Even the pediatrician was on the fence because he didn’t meet certain criteria. She also connected us to our current SLP who is incredible. Your daughter sounds similar to my son at that age. He has made so much progress the last couple of years. Now he does speech twice a week and OT once a week. We did 1-2 hours of ABA a week for about a year until he graduated from it. All this to say, I encourage you to do all the therapy options you can! The earlier you can start the better, at least that’s what we have always heard., We started early intervention at 3 months old for low muscle tone. At first we just had PT. At 12 months old, she had OT added. She wasn’t flagged for possible ASD until 18 months. Was a bit of a surprise, but she was not pointing, not waving, a little too independent, and had some stimming behavior emerging, but it was mild. She inconsistently responded to her name. We requested (lol demanded actually, that we get speech through EI) around this time due to a receptive and expressive speech delay, along with low oral muscle tone. Just after turning 2, she was officially diagnosed as having mild autism. They wanted us to consider ABA, a developmental play group, or enroll her in classes with NT peers and have an EI special ed teacher attend with her. We chose the last option, as we wanted to see how she did in what we viewed as the least restrictive environment. She’s been in her class for 3 months now and is 2.5 years old. She’s a different kid than she was this summer. I feel like my baby is gone and now I’ve got a little girl. She’s recently had a massive speech explosion. She is better about responding to her name, but she won’t if she’s really engrossed in what she’s doing. She still won’t wave and pointing is emerging, but she does say “I love you”. The stimming has increased a bit as she’s aged, but so have her social and communication skills. She has organically (of her own volition without encouragement/prompting) joined in playing with her peers on occasion at her class. She is still very much autistic, but she is developing nice adaptive skills. Really pleased with how much she has progressed. 10/10 would recommend early intervention evaluation and services if you’re worried about your kiddos development! As an addendum, autism is a spectrum and every individual with autism is different and has different strengths and needs. Our experience is unique compared to experiences that are usually shared here, but I also think it’s important to share, as autism is a very diverse diagnosis.

Question about crash pads

My 2yo is mostly sensory seeking, although he does have some issues with texture. He loves being thrown around and also running and crashing into stuff, like the couch. He giggles when he bounces off something and plops on his butt. He doesn't jump yet but he bounces on his butt a lot. I've thought about getting him a crash pad but they're $200+ on Amazon and I don't really have that. Any parents with similar kiddos who have found an economical or creative solution to this? I've thought about getting a cheap inflatable mattress but he's really hard on equipment and toys so I'm not sure if it would be sturdy enough.

You really don’t need the fancy stuff. Bean bags, bins full of stuffed animals, an extra old mattress to jump onto or one of those little trampolines (they’re always at tag sales for cheap in my area) are all great., We used a twin size foam mattress topper, folded in 3rds, covered in 2 crib sheets. Works great and didn't cost us anything., We got a bean bag as a crash pad. I ordered it from target online, ^This. And, of course, keep a hawkish eye on FB marketplace because occasionally they come along for cheap., You really don’t need the fancy stuff. Bean bags, bins full of stuffed animals, an extra old mattress to jump onto or one of those little trampolines (they’re always at tag sales for cheap in my area) are all great., We used a twin size foam mattress topper, folded in 3rds, covered in 2 crib sheets. Works great and didn't cost us anything., We got a bean bag as a crash pad. I ordered it from target online, ^This. And, of course, keep a hawkish eye on FB marketplace because occasionally they come along for cheap., You really don’t need the fancy stuff. Bean bags, bins full of stuffed animals, an extra old mattress to jump onto or one of those little trampolines (they’re always at tag sales for cheap in my area) are all great., We used a twin size foam mattress topper, folded in 3rds, covered in 2 crib sheets. Works great and didn't cost us anything., We got a bean bag as a crash pad. I ordered it from target online, ^This. And, of course, keep a hawkish eye on FB marketplace because occasionally they come along for cheap., You really don’t need the fancy stuff. Bean bags, bins full of stuffed animals, an extra old mattress to jump onto or one of those little trampolines (they’re always at tag sales for cheap in my area) are all great., We used a twin size foam mattress topper, folded in 3rds, covered in 2 crib sheets. Works great and didn't cost us anything., We got a bean bag as a crash pad. I ordered it from target online, ^This. And, of course, keep a hawkish eye on FB marketplace because occasionally they come along for cheap.

Question about second child

Parents that have more than one child . I’m currently about to have my daughter any day now .. and I keep worrying once she gets old enough to talk and think for herself what if she ask why her brother doesn’t talk. My son’s 7 and non verbal. Just wanted to know how to explain to her in a good way her brother has autism which I’m sure she won’t understand at a young age :/

“He communicates in his own special way!” Really I wouldn’t worry too much, she will be used to it. My daughter isn’t used to any kid who’s NOT her nonverbal brother. She looks at them like “why y’all talkin”, I was thinking of the same thing and it came out my second kid, a girl, is autistic. I’m terrified for my third son what if he doesn’t talk either., My daughter just accepts her brother as he is. She asked me one day why he didn’t talk and I said some people talk and some don’t., This! Same explaining any disability “people move around in different ways, they use a wheelchair to help them, and you use your legs” “Your brother communicates using x,y,z and you use words and gestures etc. Isn’t it interesting how many ways we can communicate?”, lol why y’all talkin 😂😂😂 he’s just not excited to have a baby sister either ., Haha mine had no idea what was coming and bam a baby showed up 😂 biggest surprise of his life., I let him rub my stomach and I say baby but he keeps saying no . But hopefully he will get used to it to her!, I am pm-ing you!, Just be glad if your second doesn’t also have autism.

Question about shyness

I have a beautiful 2 year old daughter who was born a premie and spent 12 days in the NICU for seizures, heart issues, brain bleeding concerns (you name it). Because of this I am always concerned over her health and development. Her doctors have shown no concern as she meets all her milestones. She’s happy, loves to play outside, knows well over 100 words, and loves to go to church to see her friends. She’s incredibly bright and can even put 5 - 6 word sentences together! However, I am noticing something that I think is being overlooked - her ability to operate in crowds. She completely shuts down in group settings and will not talk at all. When we had a birthday party for her today she was looking down at her toes the entire “happy birthday” song. She does terribly in crowded environments - specifically when the attention is on her. I’ve had family ask me if she ever talks at home. She’s a chatterbox at home so I don’t know how to get her comfortable in public. Is this a sign of ASD? I brought it up to her pediatrician and she said it’s shyness but I’m skeptical. Both myself and her mom are very outgoing people. Has a pediatrician ever told you not to worry and they were absolutely wrong?

Extreme shyness in a crowd of strangers is not uncommon in kids of this age, and is not necessarily a sign of ASD, especially if she’s hitting other developmental milestones. However, for your peace of mind, you can always get her tested., Are there any other signs that you’re worried about? Like others have said, many kids “shut down” in crowds. Does she line up toys? Have trouble ready social cues? Anything else?, Seems normal to me. My youngest is NT and during her 3 year birthday party she literally hid under a blanket while everyone was singing to her. Would not come out until the presents did., No lining up toys, or stimming, but she does prefer to play alone vs playing with others. She seems totally content with her world being just in our house with mom, dad, and 3mo old sister - and doesn’t show any interest in branching out outside of that space. She’s also very fearful. Afraid of the pool, afraid of party jumpers, afraid of Disney characters at Disneyland, afraid of people., Yeah maybe worth getting an evaluation, I appreciate your input, thank you

Question about your experiences (ASD-1, ADD 8.5 year old girl)

I know I made a similar thread about this a little over a month ago but I’m concerned for my daughter. I know stuff presents different in boys and girls so parents of girls, I’d appreciate any input. Of note: she’s being evaluated by a center for behavioral health and autism services next month. ASD level 1, ADHD inattentive, 9 in June. My daughter’s moods have been really bad. For one, she is pushing away my husband “don’t call me baby! Don’t call me sweetheart!” more than me, so we have some new emotional disconnect for one. I know we need to respect her boundaries. My husband is very sentimental and is heart broken, but we are trying to get out of the habit. She says it’s embarrassing but won’t elaborate if anyone made fun of her. She is angry most of the time, unless she is talking to her friend in another state or focusing on her special interest. She’s excellent and cheerful at school apparently, but at home it’s like I’m dealing with a teenager. Little things are setting her off. She’s defiant with straight up “no” answers when we tell her it’s time to take a bath or do homework. Any form of discipline makes things worse and never works. 2 nights ago she screamed that she didn’t want to take a bath and had a full on panic attack. I had to wrap her in a towel and bear hug her to calm her down. She refuses to sleep in her own room let alone her own bed. She refuses to sleep unless me or my husband is laying down with her. She refuses to brush her teeth at her gumline and freaks out if I try to have her try a little bit. She has horrible plaque build up but loses her mind if I talk about it to her. She has ARFID and that will trigger outbursts and meltdowns. Anyway, it just seems like everything got dialed up to 11 recently and we’re at a loss. Does this sound familiar to anyone?

It sounds like puberty mixed with neurodivergence. Puberty is a hard time for many, regardless of diagnosis or not. I was like this and the best thing, in my experience, is to have a regular contact with a “talking person”. Someone she can talk to about growing up that also understands autism., Yes, but that's cuz I am an adhd adult. First, ADD isn't even a diagnosis anymore, so just be aware of that. It's adhd these days. Second, you described a lot of sensory issues that I actually have so here is what helps me as an adult. Sensory issues: temp issues (like being cold out of the bath) and issues with brushing teeth are SO common with adhd. I'd recommend you try a heater and hooded towel for bath time (so she isnt cold when she gets out), and an electric toothbrush with a character she likes and a sticker chart to track brushing., Yes, this is very common in children with ASD especially if they are not sleeping well., Hi there I have a 9 year old with the exact diagnosis. I do noticed that she lets out her frustration at home and her school counselor told me that this is common because they manage their anxiety and overstimulation all day at school and then unfortunately take it out on the people they love. Not saying that’s OK, but apparently you are not alone. I will say that hormones are definitely starting in this house with her, but about a year and a half ago we started a very small dose of Zoloft for the anxiety and OCD. I’ve seen a world of difference not that I’m an advocate for medication, but it was starting toget extreme. You’re not alone!, This is my big suspicion. By the time she gets home from after care it’s already 6:30. If she has homework she will maybe comply but she has no time to unwind. Dinner is always a fight. We do baths every other day as she has sensitive skin and will break out in rashes. So if it’s a bath night, at that point it’s like 8:30pm. By the time we get her hair dry it’s like 8:45. Then she has a routine of “15 minutes” that she will meltdown if we ignore. 15 mins of watching my husband play a video game these days. So then it’s 9. She’ll usually fall asleep immediately. She will melt down if she doesn’t get to do what she wants to do for her 15 and right now it relies on my husband. He often gets upset stomachs so when that happened it takes even longer and can push 9:30-10. Zero time for her to truly unwind. It’s relentless. I’m exhausted. I hate fighting her. It’s driving me insane., Thanks! I’m a total advocate for medicine as I take plenty myself. My husband is majorly against it for her, but maybe professionals can get him to come around if they suggest it. She refuses to take any vitamins or medication unless she’s really sick, so I’m not sure how I’d force her to take anything., That makes complete sense and is a very reasonable reaction from her. While frustrating for you it’s more for her. Is there a way she can watch your husband a little earlier? Or switch baths to morning?, It sounds like puberty mixed with neurodivergence. Puberty is a hard time for many, regardless of diagnosis or not. I was like this and the best thing, in my experience, is to have a regular contact with a “talking person”. Someone she can talk to about growing up that also understands autism., Yes, but that's cuz I am an adhd adult. First, ADD isn't even a diagnosis anymore, so just be aware of that. It's adhd these days. Second, you described a lot of sensory issues that I actually have so here is what helps me as an adult. Sensory issues: temp issues (like being cold out of the bath) and issues with brushing teeth are SO common with adhd. I'd recommend you try a heater and hooded towel for bath time (so she isnt cold when she gets out), and an electric toothbrush with a character she likes and a sticker chart to track brushing., Yes, this is very common in children with ASD especially if they are not sleeping well., Hi there I have a 9 year old with the exact diagnosis. I do noticed that she lets out her frustration at home and her school counselor told me that this is common because they manage their anxiety and overstimulation all day at school and then unfortunately take it out on the people they love. Not saying that’s OK, but apparently you are not alone. I will say that hormones are definitely starting in this house with her, but about a year and a half ago we started a very small dose of Zoloft for the anxiety and OCD. I’ve seen a world of difference not that I’m an advocate for medication, but it was starting toget extreme. You’re not alone!, This is my big suspicion. By the time she gets home from after care it’s already 6:30. If she has homework she will maybe comply but she has no time to unwind. Dinner is always a fight. We do baths every other day as she has sensitive skin and will break out in rashes. So if it’s a bath night, at that point it’s like 8:30pm. By the time we get her hair dry it’s like 8:45. Then she has a routine of “15 minutes” that she will meltdown if we ignore. 15 mins of watching my husband play a video game these days. So then it’s 9. She’ll usually fall asleep immediately. She will melt down if she doesn’t get to do what she wants to do for her 15 and right now it relies on my husband. He often gets upset stomachs so when that happened it takes even longer and can push 9:30-10. Zero time for her to truly unwind. It’s relentless. I’m exhausted. I hate fighting her. It’s driving me insane., Thanks! I’m a total advocate for medicine as I take plenty myself. My husband is majorly against it for her, but maybe professionals can get him to come around if they suggest it. She refuses to take any vitamins or medication unless she’s really sick, so I’m not sure how I’d force her to take anything., That makes complete sense and is a very reasonable reaction from her. While frustrating for you it’s more for her. Is there a way she can watch your husband a little earlier? Or switch baths to morning?, It sounds like puberty mixed with neurodivergence. Puberty is a hard time for many, regardless of diagnosis or not. I was like this and the best thing, in my experience, is to have a regular contact with a “talking person”. Someone she can talk to about growing up that also understands autism., Yes, but that's cuz I am an adhd adult. First, ADD isn't even a diagnosis anymore, so just be aware of that. It's adhd these days. Second, you described a lot of sensory issues that I actually have so here is what helps me as an adult. Sensory issues: temp issues (like being cold out of the bath) and issues with brushing teeth are SO common with adhd. I'd recommend you try a heater and hooded towel for bath time (so she isnt cold when she gets out), and an electric toothbrush with a character she likes and a sticker chart to track brushing., Yes, this is very common in children with ASD especially if they are not sleeping well., Hi there I have a 9 year old with the exact diagnosis. I do noticed that she lets out her frustration at home and her school counselor told me that this is common because they manage their anxiety and overstimulation all day at school and then unfortunately take it out on the people they love. Not saying that’s OK, but apparently you are not alone. I will say that hormones are definitely starting in this house with her, but about a year and a half ago we started a very small dose of Zoloft for the anxiety and OCD. I’ve seen a world of difference not that I’m an advocate for medication, but it was starting toget extreme. You’re not alone!, This is my big suspicion. By the time she gets home from after care it’s already 6:30. If she has homework she will maybe comply but she has no time to unwind. Dinner is always a fight. We do baths every other day as she has sensitive skin and will break out in rashes. So if it’s a bath night, at that point it’s like 8:30pm. By the time we get her hair dry it’s like 8:45. Then she has a routine of “15 minutes” that she will meltdown if we ignore. 15 mins of watching my husband play a video game these days. So then it’s 9. She’ll usually fall asleep immediately. She will melt down if she doesn’t get to do what she wants to do for her 15 and right now it relies on my husband. He often gets upset stomachs so when that happened it takes even longer and can push 9:30-10. Zero time for her to truly unwind. It’s relentless. I’m exhausted. I hate fighting her. It’s driving me insane., Thanks! I’m a total advocate for medicine as I take plenty myself. My husband is majorly against it for her, but maybe professionals can get him to come around if they suggest it. She refuses to take any vitamins or medication unless she’s really sick, so I’m not sure how I’d force her to take anything., That makes complete sense and is a very reasonable reaction from her. While frustrating for you it’s more for her. Is there a way she can watch your husband a little earlier? Or switch baths to morning?, It sounds like puberty mixed with neurodivergence. Puberty is a hard time for many, regardless of diagnosis or not. I was like this and the best thing, in my experience, is to have a regular contact with a “talking person”. Someone she can talk to about growing up that also understands autism., Yes, but that's cuz I am an adhd adult. First, ADD isn't even a diagnosis anymore, so just be aware of that. It's adhd these days. Second, you described a lot of sensory issues that I actually have so here is what helps me as an adult. Sensory issues: temp issues (like being cold out of the bath) and issues with brushing teeth are SO common with adhd. I'd recommend you try a heater and hooded towel for bath time (so she isnt cold when she gets out), and an electric toothbrush with a character she likes and a sticker chart to track brushing., Yes, this is very common in children with ASD especially if they are not sleeping well., Hi there I have a 9 year old with the exact diagnosis. I do noticed that she lets out her frustration at home and her school counselor told me that this is common because they manage their anxiety and overstimulation all day at school and then unfortunately take it out on the people they love. Not saying that’s OK, but apparently you are not alone. I will say that hormones are definitely starting in this house with her, but about a year and a half ago we started a very small dose of Zoloft for the anxiety and OCD. I’ve seen a world of difference not that I’m an advocate for medication, but it was starting toget extreme. You’re not alone!, This is my big suspicion. By the time she gets home from after care it’s already 6:30. If she has homework she will maybe comply but she has no time to unwind. Dinner is always a fight. We do baths every other day as she has sensitive skin and will break out in rashes. So if it’s a bath night, at that point it’s like 8:30pm. By the time we get her hair dry it’s like 8:45. Then she has a routine of “15 minutes” that she will meltdown if we ignore. 15 mins of watching my husband play a video game these days. So then it’s 9. She’ll usually fall asleep immediately. She will melt down if she doesn’t get to do what she wants to do for her 15 and right now it relies on my husband. He often gets upset stomachs so when that happened it takes even longer and can push 9:30-10. Zero time for her to truly unwind. It’s relentless. I’m exhausted. I hate fighting her. It’s driving me insane., Thanks! I’m a total advocate for medicine as I take plenty myself. My husband is majorly against it for her, but maybe professionals can get him to come around if they suggest it. She refuses to take any vitamins or medication unless she’s really sick, so I’m not sure how I’d force her to take anything., That makes complete sense and is a very reasonable reaction from her. While frustrating for you it’s more for her. Is there a way she can watch your husband a little earlier? Or switch baths to morning?

Question for other parents of Autistic children

I'm currently working on creating YouTube channel for children. I've been brushing up on editing and Learning new programs over the past few minutes months. If your child(ren) are like mine; When they get hung up on a video and watch it for days or weeks on end what could I do to help you not be infuriated by the end of that period. What do you find annoying or what would you like to see more of in content for children?

Speech therapy is okay examples or OT. Ms Rachel is not a speech therapist, but content like that.

Question for parents of ND child

I am an MtF girl and recently had an argument with my parents about my life, and some things off my past came back to my mind so I told them how they used to make me feel like I was wrong or broken, I know that they didn't knew how to react in the past, but still it's something that's painful to me in the present, so I told them how bad they had treated me. After it they told me that I had been very rude, but I only said the truth. So my question is for the parents of this sub, do you think I shouldn't have told them about how they were in the past treating me?

Personally, I think processing the past is good. It sounds like you and your parents have trouble communicating with each other and I wonder if the psychiatrist or a therapist would be able to help faciliate a conversation and teach skills/techinques for all of you. &#x200B; For me, I would want to know and I would want to help my kid process it. That's my personality and I do work in mental health, so it isn't as uncomfortable to me as it is to many people. I wish more people understood the power of "I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do now to help?"., I personally do not see what good can come of something like this so many years later. They cannot change the past, and by the time you're an adult the dynamics and situations are different. I know it's now "popular" to do this, but all I see is unnecessary hurt and pain, usually for people who were trying their best or just didn't have sufficient emotional intelligence to do any different. In my opinion, if this is still causing the "child" issues, these are their issues to manage, and would suggest therapy etc. This is especially important for ND individuals given the anxiety and depression comorbidities. And this may help them to manage situations in their future better. Of course I'm not referring to premeditated abuse situations which are very different., I think it was very brave of you to speak up. I am a relatively new parent. My son is only 2. Newly diagnosed and my husband is on the spectrum. I am ADHD. I've had some trauma growing up and so has my husband and it makes us want to make sure our son knows as he gets older, that he can be open with us. We will listen and be supportive. Whoever he is and becomes, I'm so happy I get to be here and watch him grow and thrive. As parents and as any other human, we may have different opinions and values but that should not invalidate yours. Ever. You are experiencing a whole different life than they are. They are not you. As long as you were respectful to them, I don't understand why their reaction would be that you were being rude. But keep in mind, some people, parents included, do not want the people around them to be or act differently than they think they should.. and honestly that says more about their character than yours. I am sorry you have had to go through pain and trauma. I am sorry they've made you feel the way you have and are right now. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself. For getting your thoughts and emotions out there. And I'm proud of you for coming to others to get this out there. But no I don't think you were in the wrong. I think you stood your ground and spoke up. And often those who like to control and don't want to let go of things, they fight back., TBH, it sounds to me like neither you nor your parents know how to talk to each other with care and respect. You might see if you could get a counseling session together. It's not wrong to tell them how you feel, but it's most productive to do it with care for their feelings, so hopefully instead of getting defensive they can hear what you're saying and also give you their side of the story., [deleted], As someone with kids and a terrible parent, it is fine. However, some people are capable of admitting mistakes and some are not. Your parents are in the latter category. You get to decide how much of a relationship you want with them in the future. You may never get the acknowledgment of their misdeeds, you and therapist need to figure out how you move on with your life., Yeah, we are gonna go with my psychiatrist to work in those, They asked me, so I told them, even my psychiatrist says that it was necessary for me to express how they had treated me, Thank you, it really helps me, I have problems understanding people's emotions irl, I am sorry you had a bad experience with your mom. You sounds like a great parent., Thanks, I want to have a relationship with them, Your psychiatrist should not be advising you what to do! It is not their role to do so., Completely understandable! That's something that might get easier as you age (it did for me.) So someone who really understands you needs would be vital for making this work., He wasn't, I just told him what happened, Thanks, really hope it will go like that, How do you think that your parents feel? You're a school child and have basically told them that they're shit parents. How do you think that will impact them? How do you think that this will help your relationship move forward? What if they did the same to you and told you how you've been a shit child would that be acceptable, so that you know how they feel? Parenting is hard. It doesn't come with a manual. More importantly it does not come with an addendum for parenting children with autism. We are all muddling along trying to make the best of what can be a really difficult parenting experience! Now I appreciate that you may not be able to empathise with this, but perhaps try exploring this side with your psychiatrist.

Question for personal space?

My 2.5 son is getting older and doing better in a lot of ways but he has an issue with personal space. Meaning, when he sees other kids (he calls everyone babies - he doesn’t understand right now that they could be a baby, a toddler, kid, or adult). But when he sees other kids he immediately goes and hugs them or tries to touch their face or anything like that. A few times he’s freaked out some kids, So I want to know any other autism parents dealt with this and how to fix it? He has limited speech, but his comprehension is really good. Level 2 autism.

My partner and I recorded a video of a greeting for our child. We walked towards each other, we smiled and waved, said "Hi" and then he said "Hi" back and I asked, "Can I play with you?" and made two different videos for a "yes" answer and another video for a "no" answer. We also made social stories about greetings and playing and later we continued the script for what kind of play ideas (because we quickly learned our mistake that our daughter would ask if she could play with them and then would run off happily after that interaction even if the kid would say "yes"). You almost need to practice and give the script and rehearse the appropriate interactions. Our kids need more of an obvious blue print until they can start making their own. I hope this made sense. Edit: I meant to add that when our kid was minimally verbal we would focus more on the nonverbal communication aspect to this videos like eye contact, smiling, waving and showing parallel play like playing in the sand together or swinging or chasing, things that don't require speech. As her speech skills grew, we would add on the speech parts and gradually increase the complexity of the social interaction on par with her bidding skills., This is brilliant! Thank you!, I'm glad I could help :), My partner and I recorded a video of a greeting for our child. We walked towards each other, we smiled and waved, said "Hi" and then he said "Hi" back and I asked, "Can I play with you?" and made two different videos for a "yes" answer and another video for a "no" answer. We also made social stories about greetings and playing and later we continued the script for what kind of play ideas (because we quickly learned our mistake that our daughter would ask if she could play with them and then would run off happily after that interaction even if the kid would say "yes"). You almost need to practice and give the script and rehearse the appropriate interactions. Our kids need more of an obvious blue print until they can start making their own. I hope this made sense. Edit: I meant to add that when our kid was minimally verbal we would focus more on the nonverbal communication aspect to this videos like eye contact, smiling, waving and showing parallel play like playing in the sand together or swinging or chasing, things that don't require speech. As her speech skills grew, we would add on the speech parts and gradually increase the complexity of the social interaction on par with her bidding skills., This is brilliant! Thank you!, I'm glad I could help :), My partner and I recorded a video of a greeting for our child. We walked towards each other, we smiled and waved, said "Hi" and then he said "Hi" back and I asked, "Can I play with you?" and made two different videos for a "yes" answer and another video for a "no" answer. We also made social stories about greetings and playing and later we continued the script for what kind of play ideas (because we quickly learned our mistake that our daughter would ask if she could play with them and then would run off happily after that interaction even if the kid would say "yes"). You almost need to practice and give the script and rehearse the appropriate interactions. Our kids need more of an obvious blue print until they can start making their own. I hope this made sense. Edit: I meant to add that when our kid was minimally verbal we would focus more on the nonverbal communication aspect to this videos like eye contact, smiling, waving and showing parallel play like playing in the sand together or swinging or chasing, things that don't require speech. As her speech skills grew, we would add on the speech parts and gradually increase the complexity of the social interaction on par with her bidding skills., This is brilliant! Thank you!, I'm glad I could help :), My partner and I recorded a video of a greeting for our child. We walked towards each other, we smiled and waved, said "Hi" and then he said "Hi" back and I asked, "Can I play with you?" and made two different videos for a "yes" answer and another video for a "no" answer. We also made social stories about greetings and playing and later we continued the script for what kind of play ideas (because we quickly learned our mistake that our daughter would ask if she could play with them and then would run off happily after that interaction even if the kid would say "yes"). You almost need to practice and give the script and rehearse the appropriate interactions. Our kids need more of an obvious blue print until they can start making their own. I hope this made sense. Edit: I meant to add that when our kid was minimally verbal we would focus more on the nonverbal communication aspect to this videos like eye contact, smiling, waving and showing parallel play like playing in the sand together or swinging or chasing, things that don't require speech. As her speech skills grew, we would add on the speech parts and gradually increase the complexity of the social interaction on par with her bidding skills., This is brilliant! Thank you!, I'm glad I could help :)

Question regarding the AAC

Could the community tell me when your children began their breakthrough with the device? How interested were our children at first, and how much consistency was required for our babies to really use the device? My son is 3 y.o. and hasn’t had much interest, but also my wife and I found it very overwhelming and the speech therapist hasn’t really given us a tutorial.

She didn't have a break through until december 2023, she was 6 years old. She previously for years had no interest or comprehension in AAC or even PECS. It took a year of ABA and her actually learning PECS that we all decided to reintroduce AAC. It took months of a lot of modeling and repetition. They had made a "template" I guess to cover everything but the button she is supposed to hit. Finally one day she suddenly gets it and starts barking demands at us with her aac., My son is minimally verbal and 5, I can’t speak to the aac because we haven’t tried one but will say his interest in a tablet and video games is just starting now, I think it depends on the amount of modeling done. My son took to it for two commands fairly quickly but we don’t model a ton during the day so he has been fairly slow to learn it, That’s great to hear! I know that moment was wonderful for you! The modeling part; we’re really going to have to work on that in our house…, Do you model with multiple tiles and columns visible?, You should always model the device your child will be using to communicate, and that would likely have as much vocabulary as he can handle motor skill wise. Not having all the tiles visible when you're modeling means he'll have to deal with a different system than you're modeling, and not having words available when he's using it limits his ability to play with language. Don't worry if he starts pressing random buttons/stimming using his device, "trying out" their voice is a normal stage of language development and that is often the case for AAC users too. If he's using aids like a keyguard, try to include those in your modeling as well. Otherwise, there might be some information/additional resources available on his aac apps website, depending on the one he uses. I've found this article to be pretty well done as well, it might give you some more starting points on modeling: [https://www.assistiveware.com/learn-aac/start-modeling](https://www.assistiveware.com/learn-aac/start-modeling), Yea hes on 60 with touchchat, She didn't have a break through until december 2023, she was 6 years old. She previously for years had no interest or comprehension in AAC or even PECS. It took a year of ABA and her actually learning PECS that we all decided to reintroduce AAC. It took months of a lot of modeling and repetition. They had made a "template" I guess to cover everything but the button she is supposed to hit. Finally one day she suddenly gets it and starts barking demands at us with her aac., My son is minimally verbal and 5, I can’t speak to the aac because we haven’t tried one but will say his interest in a tablet and video games is just starting now, I think it depends on the amount of modeling done. My son took to it for two commands fairly quickly but we don’t model a ton during the day so he has been fairly slow to learn it, That’s great to hear! I know that moment was wonderful for you! The modeling part; we’re really going to have to work on that in our house…, Do you model with multiple tiles and columns visible?, You should always model the device your child will be using to communicate, and that would likely have as much vocabulary as he can handle motor skill wise. Not having all the tiles visible when you're modeling means he'll have to deal with a different system than you're modeling, and not having words available when he's using it limits his ability to play with language. Don't worry if he starts pressing random buttons/stimming using his device, "trying out" their voice is a normal stage of language development and that is often the case for AAC users too. If he's using aids like a keyguard, try to include those in your modeling as well. Otherwise, there might be some information/additional resources available on his aac apps website, depending on the one he uses. I've found this article to be pretty well done as well, it might give you some more starting points on modeling: [https://www.assistiveware.com/learn-aac/start-modeling](https://www.assistiveware.com/learn-aac/start-modeling), Yea hes on 60 with touchchat, She didn't have a break through until december 2023, she was 6 years old. She previously for years had no interest or comprehension in AAC or even PECS. It took a year of ABA and her actually learning PECS that we all decided to reintroduce AAC. It took months of a lot of modeling and repetition. They had made a "template" I guess to cover everything but the button she is supposed to hit. Finally one day she suddenly gets it and starts barking demands at us with her aac., My son is minimally verbal and 5, I can’t speak to the aac because we haven’t tried one but will say his interest in a tablet and video games is just starting now, I think it depends on the amount of modeling done. My son took to it for two commands fairly quickly but we don’t model a ton during the day so he has been fairly slow to learn it, That’s great to hear! I know that moment was wonderful for you! The modeling part; we’re really going to have to work on that in our house…, Do you model with multiple tiles and columns visible?, You should always model the device your child will be using to communicate, and that would likely have as much vocabulary as he can handle motor skill wise. Not having all the tiles visible when you're modeling means he'll have to deal with a different system than you're modeling, and not having words available when he's using it limits his ability to play with language. Don't worry if he starts pressing random buttons/stimming using his device, "trying out" their voice is a normal stage of language development and that is often the case for AAC users too. If he's using aids like a keyguard, try to include those in your modeling as well. Otherwise, there might be some information/additional resources available on his aac apps website, depending on the one he uses. I've found this article to be pretty well done as well, it might give you some more starting points on modeling: [https://www.assistiveware.com/learn-aac/start-modeling](https://www.assistiveware.com/learn-aac/start-modeling), Yea hes on 60 with touchchat, She didn't have a break through until december 2023, she was 6 years old. She previously for years had no interest or comprehension in AAC or even PECS. It took a year of ABA and her actually learning PECS that we all decided to reintroduce AAC. It took months of a lot of modeling and repetition. They had made a "template" I guess to cover everything but the button she is supposed to hit. Finally one day she suddenly gets it and starts barking demands at us with her aac., My son is minimally verbal and 5, I can’t speak to the aac because we haven’t tried one but will say his interest in a tablet and video games is just starting now, I think it depends on the amount of modeling done. My son took to it for two commands fairly quickly but we don’t model a ton during the day so he has been fairly slow to learn it, That’s great to hear! I know that moment was wonderful for you! The modeling part; we’re really going to have to work on that in our house…, Do you model with multiple tiles and columns visible?, You should always model the device your child will be using to communicate, and that would likely have as much vocabulary as he can handle motor skill wise. Not having all the tiles visible when you're modeling means he'll have to deal with a different system than you're modeling, and not having words available when he's using it limits his ability to play with language. Don't worry if he starts pressing random buttons/stimming using his device, "trying out" their voice is a normal stage of language development and that is often the case for AAC users too. If he's using aids like a keyguard, try to include those in your modeling as well. Otherwise, there might be some information/additional resources available on his aac apps website, depending on the one he uses. I've found this article to be pretty well done as well, it might give you some more starting points on modeling: [https://www.assistiveware.com/learn-aac/start-modeling](https://www.assistiveware.com/learn-aac/start-modeling), Yea hes on 60 with touchchat

Question: Rude man in grocery store question - Social Skills?

This is not a parenting question. It is a social skills question about ASD adulting. It's complicated by sexism, ableism, privilege and power. (I know there are many good men out there who would not act this way.) I lost my temper. I have maybe lost my temper to a strange man 4 times in my life with varied results. I am a short, 60 year old white woman on the spectrum. I've been bullied by grown men since I was young, because I did not fit in (so inappropriate). I am a patient person but I get triggered by rude/angry men. Scenario; I tend to shop bulk to avoid grocery store overstimulation as much as possible. I was shopping during a 'egg shortage'. Being short, I did not see the sign that said 'take only one'. I ducked under people and added 3 cartons to my cart. This exchange happened with one man of a white gay male couple, age approximately 60, who also wanted eggs: Man - "you're bad" (snidely) Me - "why?" (confused) Man - "you took 3" (angrilly) Me - "I have a big family" (cheerfully) Man - "That's bad too" \[ie breeders, a slur aimed at women with kids\] Me - "that's obnoxious" (offended) Man - "SHAME...SHAME...SHAME!" the man yells with self righteous anger Me - "Fuck off" (confused & angry) Man "SHAAAAMMMMEEE! (rage) Me - "Go spread your shame to the other side of the store" \[flipping him off\] My grown son returned and we walked away. Then I noticed the man seeking me in the store, darting around the isles. I got in a far away line. He found someone who looked like me, turning to face her. I asked store security to help me. They were helpful. The clerk nicely told me about the egg ration sign. I acknowledge that I may have unwittingly transgressed. This man clearly thought I had done it on purpose. I realise I escalated it. However, as a woman, having done more than my share of 'sucking up' my anger with rude men, I reacted honestly. Keep in mind I'm 5'2" and elderly, and I have capitulated to this sort of mistreatment before. I was fed up. I'm pretty sure if I were a man this would not happen. He stopped 'shaming' me when my grown son joined me. I am confused. Not only about sexism in the regulation of women's anger but also the patriarchal concept that any woman can be scolded, threatened and demeaned anywhere at anytime by any man. If she reacts with anger, some men go even further to make sure she feels powerless. Women help me, what would you have done? How does a woman stand up for herself with a belligerent man? How does one make peace without being a supplicant? Thank you

I would have likely done exactly what you did. It's not like the man said "Hey there is actually a limit on eggs right now" and pointed to the sign. He was belligerent., I'm a short, middle-aged, NT woman and would probably have reacted the same way. That guy was out of line. If he was concerned that you had taken too many eggs, there were more polite ways to bring that to your attention. I completely agree that some men think it's acceptable to intimidate women and that they would never act the same way toward a larger man. You did a smart thing by involving store security because that guy clearly intended to escalate the situation., Um I would’ve done the same thing! If he wanted to say something about your egg cartons, he could’ve done so politely but he lost all rights for respect once he treated you that way. You should’ve made sure security knew he was harassing you as well. Take care, sorry you went through that. The grocery store is meant to be a safe place. I remember one time during height of COVID i accidentally went into the store without a mask. A man pointed at me from afar saying “mask!” And I said “oh right thank you!” That’s a fine interaction. that’s what this man in your scenario should’ve done but didn’t, ergo he gets flipped off. You did fine, [deleted], The patriarchy comes into question when this sort of thing happens to a woman regularly, unless she's with a man. This rude man stopped his behavior when my 26 year old son came to my side. Other times I've not had that comfort. I was a single mom and am now a single woman.

Questions regarding sensory seeking toddler

My child is almost 2.5 years old and lvl 2 with speech delay. I know that any kind of change is going to affect a child with autism. Have you all noticed your children get more amped up during spring/summer? I’m unsure if it’s the fact that some days he’s able to spend outside and release a ton of energy and some days he’s not because it’s cold or rainy. But he’s been reminding me of the Tasmanian devil or Donny from wild thornberries lately. Just absolutely wild, unable to stop moving. I’ve also noticed over the past few days that he’s becoming more physically aggressive. Smacking, clawing, pinching, screaming. I saw a video recently of I’d say a 9 year old child with autism and his behavior was a lot like my child, just the constantly touching and shoving and hitting, but my child is very bubbly and happy. It worried me that maybe with puberty or maturing he’ll lose his happiness and become irritable, aggressive, or even violent. He’s not even 3 and he’s already so powerful. I mostly have heard a change in demeanor (from happy to angry) at the 18 month mark. Has anyone noticed a change later on? I know he needs more sensory input but I have no clue how to offer it to him.

My son is just over three and sounds a lot like your kid. He always wants to go outside and now that it’s getting nice her out he doesn’t understand why he can’t when it’s raining and stuff. Being outside in nature is what makes him happiest he does have days here and there where he is a little aggressive, but I think it’s out of frustration from not being able to communicate his wants and needs, normally he is the happiest kid on the planet. on the days where he is more unsettled I let him have more screen time and don’t put too many demands on him, and just sort of let him be with what makes him happiest. He is so full of energy that it can be hard to handle and exhausting too. I try to manage it the best that I can and practice forgiveness when I can’t one thing that has helped us tremendously especially in the winter has been to go swimming at the YMCA, my kid loves water and he’s so happy being there and getting out of the house. Maybe you have some sort of alternative to help like that, Our 4 year old non verbal son is the same. Wants to be outside all day everyday. He is so happy and it plays to his strengths (gross motor skills), My son is just over three and sounds a lot like your kid. He always wants to go outside and now that it’s getting nice her out he doesn’t understand why he can’t when it’s raining and stuff. Being outside in nature is what makes him happiest he does have days here and there where he is a little aggressive, but I think it’s out of frustration from not being able to communicate his wants and needs, normally he is the happiest kid on the planet. on the days where he is more unsettled I let him have more screen time and don’t put too many demands on him, and just sort of let him be with what makes him happiest. He is so full of energy that it can be hard to handle and exhausting too. I try to manage it the best that I can and practice forgiveness when I can’t one thing that has helped us tremendously especially in the winter has been to go swimming at the YMCA, my kid loves water and he’s so happy being there and getting out of the house. Maybe you have some sort of alternative to help like that, Our 4 year old non verbal son is the same. Wants to be outside all day everyday. He is so happy and it plays to his strengths (gross motor skills), My son is just over three and sounds a lot like your kid. He always wants to go outside and now that it’s getting nice her out he doesn’t understand why he can’t when it’s raining and stuff. Being outside in nature is what makes him happiest he does have days here and there where he is a little aggressive, but I think it’s out of frustration from not being able to communicate his wants and needs, normally he is the happiest kid on the planet. on the days where he is more unsettled I let him have more screen time and don’t put too many demands on him, and just sort of let him be with what makes him happiest. He is so full of energy that it can be hard to handle and exhausting too. I try to manage it the best that I can and practice forgiveness when I can’t one thing that has helped us tremendously especially in the winter has been to go swimming at the YMCA, my kid loves water and he’s so happy being there and getting out of the house. Maybe you have some sort of alternative to help like that, Our 4 year old non verbal son is the same. Wants to be outside all day everyday. He is so happy and it plays to his strengths (gross motor skills), My son is just over three and sounds a lot like your kid. He always wants to go outside and now that it’s getting nice her out he doesn’t understand why he can’t when it’s raining and stuff. Being outside in nature is what makes him happiest he does have days here and there where he is a little aggressive, but I think it’s out of frustration from not being able to communicate his wants and needs, normally he is the happiest kid on the planet. on the days where he is more unsettled I let him have more screen time and don’t put too many demands on him, and just sort of let him be with what makes him happiest. He is so full of energy that it can be hard to handle and exhausting too. I try to manage it the best that I can and practice forgiveness when I can’t one thing that has helped us tremendously especially in the winter has been to go swimming at the YMCA, my kid loves water and he’s so happy being there and getting out of the house. Maybe you have some sort of alternative to help like that, Our 4 year old non verbal son is the same. Wants to be outside all day everyday. He is so happy and it plays to his strengths (gross motor skills)

Raising a healthy and happy neurodivergent toddler (help needed)

I am sorry for the length in advance! TL;DR at end. We have a wonderful and amazing 2 year old toddler who we adopted at birth. He is the light of our lives and we want to make sure we are giving him everything he needs. We have had concerns about his development since infancy but have always been told it was due to him being preemie or not unusual for his development stages. He has had issues with answering to his name (getting better recently but still not the best), does not do any hand gestures (pointing, waving etc..) other than clapping which he does when stimming. Along with constantly going in circles, rocking back and forth. He is very vocal but mostly just screams happily (he has done this since infancy and we affectionately say he is serenading us). He does not pretend play and instead prefers to bang toys together or enjoys analyzing the toy or grouping and lining them up and does not interact with the other kids at daycare. He has issues falling asleep and shutting off his brain at night and stirs restlessly for hours. He is sensitive to sounds and certain textures. All of my concerns were always brushed away until the most recent began when he turned 2 in December. He began to lose his language. While mostly always a babbler he did know quite a few words. He could count up to 10 and knew all of his colors. But it seemed like he could no longer form those words and if he did use a word it was never in the correct usage and his fine motor skills which were never great seemed to be getting more behind. So 2 months ago I was able through our amazing daycare to start speech therapy and that convinced our doctor to get us referrals for testing finally. He is beginning O.T. next month and currently has a diagnosis of sensory processing disorder and has testing with Developmental pediatrics this August to test for autism though during intake the doctor pretty much told us that he is hitting most markers off the parent interview. He is also meeting with a geneticist next week to do some genetic testing as his biological medical history is mostly unknown to us. I am a researcher and I like to be as prepared and informed as possible with what I should be doing. I am here to ask for help. Any suggestions on the best books, Facebook parenting groups, podcasts, websites, or any sources of information or support groups would be highly appreciated. We want to make sure that we give him the best start in life we can and are helping him in every way possible. TL;DR we have an amazing son who has a lot of neurodivergent qualities that were brushed off and now finally have convinced doctors to look into. Looking for resources and help to make sure we do everything we can to help our son be healthy, confident, and happy!

Check out Mrs speechie P and meaningfulspeech on Instagram and Facebook, I'd recommend reading Uniquely Human by Barry Prizant (2022). It made a possible autism diagnosis so much less scary to me. My son is 2 years, 10 months old, and we have a neuropsych evaluation booked for October, when he'll be 3 years, 4 months., Thank you so much, I definitely will! I appreciate your suggestion, Thank you I will definitely check it out! Thank you so much for your suggestion I really do appreciate it sooo much! It has been overwhelming on where to start finding things out especially with all of the misinformation and opinions on Autism., Check out Mrs speechie P and meaningfulspeech on Instagram and Facebook, I'd recommend reading Uniquely Human by Barry Prizant (2022). It made a possible autism diagnosis so much less scary to me. My son is 2 years, 10 months old, and we have a neuropsych evaluation booked for October, when he'll be 3 years, 4 months., Thank you so much, I definitely will! I appreciate your suggestion, Thank you I will definitely check it out! Thank you so much for your suggestion I really do appreciate it sooo much! It has been overwhelming on where to start finding things out especially with all of the misinformation and opinions on Autism., Check out Mrs speechie P and meaningfulspeech on Instagram and Facebook, I'd recommend reading Uniquely Human by Barry Prizant (2022). It made a possible autism diagnosis so much less scary to me. My son is 2 years, 10 months old, and we have a neuropsych evaluation booked for October, when he'll be 3 years, 4 months., Thank you so much, I definitely will! I appreciate your suggestion, Thank you I will definitely check it out! Thank you so much for your suggestion I really do appreciate it sooo much! It has been overwhelming on where to start finding things out especially with all of the misinformation and opinions on Autism., Check out Mrs speechie P and meaningfulspeech on Instagram and Facebook, I'd recommend reading Uniquely Human by Barry Prizant (2022). It made a possible autism diagnosis so much less scary to me. My son is 2 years, 10 months old, and we have a neuropsych evaluation booked for October, when he'll be 3 years, 4 months., Thank you so much, I definitely will! I appreciate your suggestion, Thank you I will definitely check it out! Thank you so much for your suggestion I really do appreciate it sooo much! It has been overwhelming on where to start finding things out especially with all of the misinformation and opinions on Autism.

Raising frustration tolerance

My son FREAKS OUT and yells at little frustrations all the time. Dropping a peice of Lego or a glitch in a game makes him freak out at me. He usually gets over it pretty quick but ugggggghhh Any advice on helping him raise his frustration tolerance?

I also use those little instances of getting frustrated to try to encourage and help facilitate communication. I usually say something like "It's alright if you need some help. You can always ask for some help and we can work it out together.", My son's ABA team recommended that I take his toys away or whatever object he's freaking out about, and time it. One minute, two minutes, 5 minutes, and so on. Their goal is to reach 20 minutes of making my son wait. The problem is that he adjusts rather quickly and moves on to something else before I know it. Sometimes, they use the same tactic with snacks when they are trying to teach him something like looking them in the eye. They'll just hold the snack about eye level and wait a bit before giving it to him. That's also how he learned to sign for "more." I don't know if this helps. It's just a suggestion., I also use those little instances of getting frustrated to try to encourage and help facilitate communication. I usually say something like "It's alright if you need some help. You can always ask for some help and we can work it out together.", My son's ABA team recommended that I take his toys away or whatever object he's freaking out about, and time it. One minute, two minutes, 5 minutes, and so on. Their goal is to reach 20 minutes of making my son wait. The problem is that he adjusts rather quickly and moves on to something else before I know it. Sometimes, they use the same tactic with snacks when they are trying to teach him something like looking them in the eye. They'll just hold the snack about eye level and wait a bit before giving it to him. That's also how he learned to sign for "more." I don't know if this helps. It's just a suggestion., I also use those little instances of getting frustrated to try to encourage and help facilitate communication. I usually say something like "It's alright if you need some help. You can always ask for some help and we can work it out together.", My son's ABA team recommended that I take his toys away or whatever object he's freaking out about, and time it. One minute, two minutes, 5 minutes, and so on. Their goal is to reach 20 minutes of making my son wait. The problem is that he adjusts rather quickly and moves on to something else before I know it. Sometimes, they use the same tactic with snacks when they are trying to teach him something like looking them in the eye. They'll just hold the snack about eye level and wait a bit before giving it to him. That's also how he learned to sign for "more." I don't know if this helps. It's just a suggestion., I also use those little instances of getting frustrated to try to encourage and help facilitate communication. I usually say something like "It's alright if you need some help. You can always ask for some help and we can work it out together.", My son's ABA team recommended that I take his toys away or whatever object he's freaking out about, and time it. One minute, two minutes, 5 minutes, and so on. Their goal is to reach 20 minutes of making my son wait. The problem is that he adjusts rather quickly and moves on to something else before I know it. Sometimes, they use the same tactic with snacks when they are trying to teach him something like looking them in the eye. They'll just hold the snack about eye level and wait a bit before giving it to him. That's also how he learned to sign for "more." I don't know if this helps. It's just a suggestion.

Random Violence Preschooler

Does anyone know what causes the implication to lash out? 5YO, diagnosed autistic, gestalt language, happy mainly -but when playing happily will turn to playmate and push them, get them into headlocks and pull hair and strike on head. Nothing before this has provoked them, and they have been happy and smiling before this and even as they begin to push. They know it's wrong immediately after and cry when told off. They are also spitting at and biting other kids making going places difficult. What is causing these outbursts do you think and how to prevent?

So idk what the cause is for all kids. I can only speak on my experience with my girl. Last summer in preschool, my girl began to have violent fits. Screaming, throwing and hitting teachers. She’s generally very happy. Out of no where she had a word boom and could communicate a bit. We pulled up for drop off one afternoon and she saw another boy in the van next to us. She started to cry and pinch herself while shouting “he do! He do! Ouchie” i asked the teachers if this boy was paired with her often and if he had a problem with pinching. They said yes. He was moved to a different class shortly after bc I wasn’t the only one bringing up the issue. It didn’t take long for my girl to go back to behaving normally… my thoughts were she was being picked on and was acting out. Maybe ask school if this is happening at all for your kiddo., I can’t say I have experience with this but I feel like there’s something that they are trying to communicate by physically lashing out. If it’s not the other kid maybe it’s when someone else touches a specific toy. If they having sensory avoidant things like smell or sound it could be triggered by that. If this was my 4yr old I would be thinking of all the things that upset him or bother him and start there. If you rule all that out something has to be happening to make them want to lash out this way. There has to be a why., Unfortunately in this instance, he is the one hurting the other kids in class. Thank you tho, So idk what the cause is for all kids. I can only speak on my experience with my girl. Last summer in preschool, my girl began to have violent fits. Screaming, throwing and hitting teachers. She’s generally very happy. Out of no where she had a word boom and could communicate a bit. We pulled up for drop off one afternoon and she saw another boy in the van next to us. She started to cry and pinch herself while shouting “he do! He do! Ouchie” i asked the teachers if this boy was paired with her often and if he had a problem with pinching. They said yes. He was moved to a different class shortly after bc I wasn’t the only one bringing up the issue. It didn’t take long for my girl to go back to behaving normally… my thoughts were she was being picked on and was acting out. Maybe ask school if this is happening at all for your kiddo., I can’t say I have experience with this but I feel like there’s something that they are trying to communicate by physically lashing out. If it’s not the other kid maybe it’s when someone else touches a specific toy. If they having sensory avoidant things like smell or sound it could be triggered by that. If this was my 4yr old I would be thinking of all the things that upset him or bother him and start there. If you rule all that out something has to be happening to make them want to lash out this way. There has to be a why., Unfortunately in this instance, he is the one hurting the other kids in class. Thank you tho, So idk what the cause is for all kids. I can only speak on my experience with my girl. Last summer in preschool, my girl began to have violent fits. Screaming, throwing and hitting teachers. She’s generally very happy. Out of no where she had a word boom and could communicate a bit. We pulled up for drop off one afternoon and she saw another boy in the van next to us. She started to cry and pinch herself while shouting “he do! He do! Ouchie” i asked the teachers if this boy was paired with her often and if he had a problem with pinching. They said yes. He was moved to a different class shortly after bc I wasn’t the only one bringing up the issue. It didn’t take long for my girl to go back to behaving normally… my thoughts were she was being picked on and was acting out. Maybe ask school if this is happening at all for your kiddo., I can’t say I have experience with this but I feel like there’s something that they are trying to communicate by physically lashing out. If it’s not the other kid maybe it’s when someone else touches a specific toy. If they having sensory avoidant things like smell or sound it could be triggered by that. If this was my 4yr old I would be thinking of all the things that upset him or bother him and start there. If you rule all that out something has to be happening to make them want to lash out this way. There has to be a why., Unfortunately in this instance, he is the one hurting the other kids in class. Thank you tho, So idk what the cause is for all kids. I can only speak on my experience with my girl. Last summer in preschool, my girl began to have violent fits. Screaming, throwing and hitting teachers. She’s generally very happy. Out of no where she had a word boom and could communicate a bit. We pulled up for drop off one afternoon and she saw another boy in the van next to us. She started to cry and pinch herself while shouting “he do! He do! Ouchie” i asked the teachers if this boy was paired with her often and if he had a problem with pinching. They said yes. He was moved to a different class shortly after bc I wasn’t the only one bringing up the issue. It didn’t take long for my girl to go back to behaving normally… my thoughts were she was being picked on and was acting out. Maybe ask school if this is happening at all for your kiddo., I can’t say I have experience with this but I feel like there’s something that they are trying to communicate by physically lashing out. If it’s not the other kid maybe it’s when someone else touches a specific toy. If they having sensory avoidant things like smell or sound it could be triggered by that. If this was my 4yr old I would be thinking of all the things that upset him or bother him and start there. If you rule all that out something has to be happening to make them want to lash out this way. There has to be a why., Unfortunately in this instance, he is the one hurting the other kids in class. Thank you tho

Random crying

My son is 3 years old (nonverbal) and lately out of nowhere grabs his head and starts crying, he has a neurology appointment coming up but just wondering if anyone else has experienced this with their child.

My son did this a few weeks ago! One of his teachers suggested it may be a migraine so we started approaching it that way and he did a total 180 in 24 hours. We did low light, low noise, Tylenol/ibuprofen, stayed inside and just generally tried keeping things a bit calmer. Worth a shot!, Could he have a headache? Have you tried some tylenol? How long is the crying?, My daughter would kind of press her palms on the side of her head, we later figured out it was due to noise sensitivity and she was trying to block it. It seemed like headache but once we got her to use noise cancelling headphones it helped a ton, My son was doing this for a few weeks and turns out it was an ear infection! I do think it triggered sound sensitivities though, I really wish he’d wear headphones but that’s a no go for my guy, They crying last 1-2 min but it happens almost everyday, Are they covering their ears when they grab head?, Ears, eyes, or head, he does all of those. Mostly his eyes or head, Hm. Not sure. My son sometimes grabs his hair when he gets frustrated and cries but I don’t think that’s what you’re experiencing., My son did this a few weeks ago! One of his teachers suggested it may be a migraine so we started approaching it that way and he did a total 180 in 24 hours. We did low light, low noise, Tylenol/ibuprofen, stayed inside and just generally tried keeping things a bit calmer. Worth a shot!, Could he have a headache? Have you tried some tylenol? How long is the crying?, My daughter would kind of press her palms on the side of her head, we later figured out it was due to noise sensitivity and she was trying to block it. It seemed like headache but once we got her to use noise cancelling headphones it helped a ton, My son was doing this for a few weeks and turns out it was an ear infection! I do think it triggered sound sensitivities though, I really wish he’d wear headphones but that’s a no go for my guy, They crying last 1-2 min but it happens almost everyday, Are they covering their ears when they grab head?, Ears, eyes, or head, he does all of those. Mostly his eyes or head, Hm. Not sure. My son sometimes grabs his hair when he gets frustrated and cries but I don’t think that’s what you’re experiencing., My son did this a few weeks ago! One of his teachers suggested it may be a migraine so we started approaching it that way and he did a total 180 in 24 hours. We did low light, low noise, Tylenol/ibuprofen, stayed inside and just generally tried keeping things a bit calmer. Worth a shot!, Could he have a headache? Have you tried some tylenol? How long is the crying?, My daughter would kind of press her palms on the side of her head, we later figured out it was due to noise sensitivity and she was trying to block it. It seemed like headache but once we got her to use noise cancelling headphones it helped a ton, My son was doing this for a few weeks and turns out it was an ear infection! I do think it triggered sound sensitivities though, I really wish he’d wear headphones but that’s a no go for my guy, They crying last 1-2 min but it happens almost everyday, Are they covering their ears when they grab head?, Ears, eyes, or head, he does all of those. Mostly his eyes or head, Hm. Not sure. My son sometimes grabs his hair when he gets frustrated and cries but I don’t think that’s what you’re experiencing., My son did this a few weeks ago! One of his teachers suggested it may be a migraine so we started approaching it that way and he did a total 180 in 24 hours. We did low light, low noise, Tylenol/ibuprofen, stayed inside and just generally tried keeping things a bit calmer. Worth a shot!, Could he have a headache? Have you tried some tylenol? How long is the crying?, My daughter would kind of press her palms on the side of her head, we later figured out it was due to noise sensitivity and she was trying to block it. It seemed like headache but once we got her to use noise cancelling headphones it helped a ton, My son was doing this for a few weeks and turns out it was an ear infection! I do think it triggered sound sensitivities though, I really wish he’d wear headphones but that’s a no go for my guy, They crying last 1-2 min but it happens almost everyday, Are they covering their ears when they grab head?, Ears, eyes, or head, he does all of those. Mostly his eyes or head, Hm. Not sure. My son sometimes grabs his hair when he gets frustrated and cries but I don’t think that’s what you’re experiencing.

Reading Rigidity

I'm interested in some insights and if others have parallel experiences with their kids and books. My kiddo is 9 and gifted. He has really latched onto stat block type books (pokemon, shark encyclopedia, d&d monster manual, kids d&d books) and graphic novels (amulet, mythics, I survived, wings of fire). He loves an adventure in his reading and likes big words, big concepts, but not to the level of a marvel comic or some of those, because they have a really intense vocabulary jump and bog down quickly. He will read chapter books at school and doesn't have any comprehension issues in that setting. If we suggest a chapter book of any length or difficulty, any subject matter, he will fully refuse to engage. I've tried Howl's Moving Castle, the Wings of Fire chapter books, Warriors, choose your own adventure, etc. He has let us read books to him, which we use as part of our sleep hygiene and wind down routine. These have included the Hobbit, Harry Potter, and the How to Train your Dragon book series. After a big old fight, he had just let me start reading him the Ranger's Apprentice book 1. Has anyone had a parallel experience with an autistic kiddo? I think some of it is attention span, some is rigidity, and I'd love to help him through it.

I kind find any issues here. I can see if he is having trouble reading, or unable to do what needs to be done at school. But considering he can not only read chapter books, but comprehend them... it seems like he just doesn't enjoy reading them for fun. My son was like that, he only read books on science and math. My wife who is a big reader tried to get him to expand his scope the same as you. But he had zero interest in it, and I figured to each there own., My brother is 40 now, but he feels identically about reading. Books about factual events and stats? Great. Comic books and storybooks? Those are okay. He explained that he just doesn't have the visual imagination to enjoy reading novels . He's never - for example - understood when people say "the book is so much better than the movie". I'm sorry, I don't really have anything to add. My brother never did learn to enjoy novels. Just wanted to let you know that your son isn't alone! He also made it through school fine reading-wise. He said he'd skim the book for answers to questions if there was a quiz. Or he'd write reports based on the book summary 😆, My daughter loves encyclopedias and things like character guides and will read them cover to cover and memorize everything. She also loves graphic novels. She can totally read chapter books she just doesn’t like it as much and she’s very resistant to things she doesn’t like. If it’s not her preferred topics or adjacent to her preferred topics she will straight up refuse at school. She’s only in kindergarten so they’re not even requiring she read complex stuff yet but because she refuses they are also underestimating her abilities at this point.  At home we just let her read what she likes. She obsesses over certain fact/stat books for a period then moves onto another one. She switches up which graphic novels she reads. If he’s doing fine with it at school I wouldn’t be concerned. This isn’t an area at home I’d be concerned about managing rigidity on. That would be more like non negotiables or things that directly affect her health and well being. If you’re looking to expand within his interests there are so many great graphic novels and some books that are graphic novel like but less pictures and more words. At our library they’re kept near the graphic novels. I just take out ones from the library that seem within her interests and sometimes they’re a hit and sometimes they’re not! , Oh, one other thing! I know graphic novels aren't bad, but I'm also running out of ideas and want to keep exposing him to new books and ideas to keep his reading world fresh as part of his rigidity management.  , Exposure to new reading material is always a good thing. That being said, ANY reading is good thing. If he is reading what he needs to at school, and prefers specific types/genres as pleasure reading, I'd call it a win and not push new, although keeping new stuff around and pointing it out its available as an option from time to time might be helpful. \*coming from someone who has read Science Fiction almost exclusively for 50 years, and still reads 4-5 novels a week., Did your son read a core set of 5-10 books repeatedly to the exclusion of other books for an extended time frame?, These are really helpful reminders to have some chill. Thank you!, Yes he did, he hyper focus's on everything he does and would re-read the same books several times over. He also gets stuck on certain hobbies / activities that he gets obsessive over. My daughter for example gets stuck on talking about the same subject manner, and even asks questions that she knows the answers to. I think the repetitive behaviors revolve around feeling secure and avoiding the unexpected. For some reason already knowing the answers and the endings makes them feel good. Yet we love the adventure and *uncovering* the unexpected. The only time I would worry is if these behaviors were causing academic issues. It seems like your child is doing just fine, so it might not be worth pushing so hard. Maybe he will eventually branch out more on his own? Or maybe like mine he will stop picking up books all together. /shrug, I kind find any issues here. I can see if he is having trouble reading, or unable to do what needs to be done at school. But considering he can not only read chapter books, but comprehend them... it seems like he just doesn't enjoy reading them for fun. My son was like that, he only read books on science and math. My wife who is a big reader tried to get him to expand his scope the same as you. But he had zero interest in it, and I figured to each there own., My brother is 40 now, but he feels identically about reading. Books about factual events and stats? Great. Comic books and storybooks? Those are okay. He explained that he just doesn't have the visual imagination to enjoy reading novels . He's never - for example - understood when people say "the book is so much better than the movie". I'm sorry, I don't really have anything to add. My brother never did learn to enjoy novels. Just wanted to let you know that your son isn't alone! He also made it through school fine reading-wise. He said he'd skim the book for answers to questions if there was a quiz. Or he'd write reports based on the book summary 😆, My daughter loves encyclopedias and things like character guides and will read them cover to cover and memorize everything. She also loves graphic novels. She can totally read chapter books she just doesn’t like it as much and she’s very resistant to things she doesn’t like. If it’s not her preferred topics or adjacent to her preferred topics she will straight up refuse at school. She’s only in kindergarten so they’re not even requiring she read complex stuff yet but because she refuses they are also underestimating her abilities at this point.  At home we just let her read what she likes. She obsesses over certain fact/stat books for a period then moves onto another one. She switches up which graphic novels she reads. If he’s doing fine with it at school I wouldn’t be concerned. This isn’t an area at home I’d be concerned about managing rigidity on. That would be more like non negotiables or things that directly affect her health and well being. If you’re looking to expand within his interests there are so many great graphic novels and some books that are graphic novel like but less pictures and more words. At our library they’re kept near the graphic novels. I just take out ones from the library that seem within her interests and sometimes they’re a hit and sometimes they’re not! , Oh, one other thing! I know graphic novels aren't bad, but I'm also running out of ideas and want to keep exposing him to new books and ideas to keep his reading world fresh as part of his rigidity management.  , Exposure to new reading material is always a good thing. That being said, ANY reading is good thing. If he is reading what he needs to at school, and prefers specific types/genres as pleasure reading, I'd call it a win and not push new, although keeping new stuff around and pointing it out its available as an option from time to time might be helpful. \*coming from someone who has read Science Fiction almost exclusively for 50 years, and still reads 4-5 novels a week., Did your son read a core set of 5-10 books repeatedly to the exclusion of other books for an extended time frame?, These are really helpful reminders to have some chill. Thank you!, Yes he did, he hyper focus's on everything he does and would re-read the same books several times over. He also gets stuck on certain hobbies / activities that he gets obsessive over. My daughter for example gets stuck on talking about the same subject manner, and even asks questions that she knows the answers to. I think the repetitive behaviors revolve around feeling secure and avoiding the unexpected. For some reason already knowing the answers and the endings makes them feel good. Yet we love the adventure and *uncovering* the unexpected. The only time I would worry is if these behaviors were causing academic issues. It seems like your child is doing just fine, so it might not be worth pushing so hard. Maybe he will eventually branch out more on his own? Or maybe like mine he will stop picking up books all together. /shrug, I kind find any issues here. I can see if he is having trouble reading, or unable to do what needs to be done at school. But considering he can not only read chapter books, but comprehend them... it seems like he just doesn't enjoy reading them for fun. My son was like that, he only read books on science and math. My wife who is a big reader tried to get him to expand his scope the same as you. But he had zero interest in it, and I figured to each there own., My brother is 40 now, but he feels identically about reading. Books about factual events and stats? Great. Comic books and storybooks? Those are okay. He explained that he just doesn't have the visual imagination to enjoy reading novels . He's never - for example - understood when people say "the book is so much better than the movie". I'm sorry, I don't really have anything to add. My brother never did learn to enjoy novels. Just wanted to let you know that your son isn't alone! He also made it through school fine reading-wise. He said he'd skim the book for answers to questions if there was a quiz. Or he'd write reports based on the book summary 😆, My daughter loves encyclopedias and things like character guides and will read them cover to cover and memorize everything. She also loves graphic novels. She can totally read chapter books she just doesn’t like it as much and she’s very resistant to things she doesn’t like. If it’s not her preferred topics or adjacent to her preferred topics she will straight up refuse at school. She’s only in kindergarten so they’re not even requiring she read complex stuff yet but because she refuses they are also underestimating her abilities at this point.  At home we just let her read what she likes. She obsesses over certain fact/stat books for a period then moves onto another one. She switches up which graphic novels she reads. If he’s doing fine with it at school I wouldn’t be concerned. This isn’t an area at home I’d be concerned about managing rigidity on. That would be more like non negotiables or things that directly affect her health and well being. If you’re looking to expand within his interests there are so many great graphic novels and some books that are graphic novel like but less pictures and more words. At our library they’re kept near the graphic novels. I just take out ones from the library that seem within her interests and sometimes they’re a hit and sometimes they’re not! , Oh, one other thing! I know graphic novels aren't bad, but I'm also running out of ideas and want to keep exposing him to new books and ideas to keep his reading world fresh as part of his rigidity management.  , Exposure to new reading material is always a good thing. That being said, ANY reading is good thing. If he is reading what he needs to at school, and prefers specific types/genres as pleasure reading, I'd call it a win and not push new, although keeping new stuff around and pointing it out its available as an option from time to time might be helpful. \*coming from someone who has read Science Fiction almost exclusively for 50 years, and still reads 4-5 novels a week., Did your son read a core set of 5-10 books repeatedly to the exclusion of other books for an extended time frame?, These are really helpful reminders to have some chill. Thank you!, Yes he did, he hyper focus's on everything he does and would re-read the same books several times over. He also gets stuck on certain hobbies / activities that he gets obsessive over. My daughter for example gets stuck on talking about the same subject manner, and even asks questions that she knows the answers to. I think the repetitive behaviors revolve around feeling secure and avoiding the unexpected. For some reason already knowing the answers and the endings makes them feel good. Yet we love the adventure and *uncovering* the unexpected. The only time I would worry is if these behaviors were causing academic issues. It seems like your child is doing just fine, so it might not be worth pushing so hard. Maybe he will eventually branch out more on his own? Or maybe like mine he will stop picking up books all together. /shrug, I kind find any issues here. I can see if he is having trouble reading, or unable to do what needs to be done at school. But considering he can not only read chapter books, but comprehend them... it seems like he just doesn't enjoy reading them for fun. My son was like that, he only read books on science and math. My wife who is a big reader tried to get him to expand his scope the same as you. But he had zero interest in it, and I figured to each there own., My brother is 40 now, but he feels identically about reading. Books about factual events and stats? Great. Comic books and storybooks? Those are okay. He explained that he just doesn't have the visual imagination to enjoy reading novels . He's never - for example - understood when people say "the book is so much better than the movie". I'm sorry, I don't really have anything to add. My brother never did learn to enjoy novels. Just wanted to let you know that your son isn't alone! He also made it through school fine reading-wise. He said he'd skim the book for answers to questions if there was a quiz. Or he'd write reports based on the book summary 😆, My daughter loves encyclopedias and things like character guides and will read them cover to cover and memorize everything. She also loves graphic novels. She can totally read chapter books she just doesn’t like it as much and she’s very resistant to things she doesn’t like. If it’s not her preferred topics or adjacent to her preferred topics she will straight up refuse at school. She’s only in kindergarten so they’re not even requiring she read complex stuff yet but because she refuses they are also underestimating her abilities at this point.  At home we just let her read what she likes. She obsesses over certain fact/stat books for a period then moves onto another one. She switches up which graphic novels she reads. If he’s doing fine with it at school I wouldn’t be concerned. This isn’t an area at home I’d be concerned about managing rigidity on. That would be more like non negotiables or things that directly affect her health and well being. If you’re looking to expand within his interests there are so many great graphic novels and some books that are graphic novel like but less pictures and more words. At our library they’re kept near the graphic novels. I just take out ones from the library that seem within her interests and sometimes they’re a hit and sometimes they’re not! , Oh, one other thing! I know graphic novels aren't bad, but I'm also running out of ideas and want to keep exposing him to new books and ideas to keep his reading world fresh as part of his rigidity management.  , Exposure to new reading material is always a good thing. That being said, ANY reading is good thing. If he is reading what he needs to at school, and prefers specific types/genres as pleasure reading, I'd call it a win and not push new, although keeping new stuff around and pointing it out its available as an option from time to time might be helpful. \*coming from someone who has read Science Fiction almost exclusively for 50 years, and still reads 4-5 novels a week., Did your son read a core set of 5-10 books repeatedly to the exclusion of other books for an extended time frame?, These are really helpful reminders to have some chill. Thank you!, Yes he did, he hyper focus's on everything he does and would re-read the same books several times over. He also gets stuck on certain hobbies / activities that he gets obsessive over. My daughter for example gets stuck on talking about the same subject manner, and even asks questions that she knows the answers to. I think the repetitive behaviors revolve around feeling secure and avoiding the unexpected. For some reason already knowing the answers and the endings makes them feel good. Yet we love the adventure and *uncovering* the unexpected. The only time I would worry is if these behaviors were causing academic issues. It seems like your child is doing just fine, so it might not be worth pushing so hard. Maybe he will eventually branch out more on his own? Or maybe like mine he will stop picking up books all together. /shrug

Recommendations for backyard and/or front yard.

FENCE… We’ve been living in an upstairs condo since our daughter was born (5f). We’re moving into a house and we NEED to fence in the front and backyard. Initially we thought chain link and then realized that’s probably the worst idea since you can easily scale that type of fence. So now we’re looking at other options and want to hear recommendations those of you who have fences. Is 5ft too short? Is Wood better since there’s no holes to stick arms and legs through? All tips and things to consider welcomed ♥️

We have a six foot white vinyl fence. The latch is a PITA to unlock, in addition to the steel rods that drive down into the ground that my kids can't lift., We have a six foot white vinyl fence. The latch is a PITA to unlock, in addition to the steel rods that drive down into the ground that my kids can't lift., We have a six foot white vinyl fence. The latch is a PITA to unlock, in addition to the steel rods that drive down into the ground that my kids can't lift., We have a six foot white vinyl fence. The latch is a PITA to unlock, in addition to the steel rods that drive down into the ground that my kids can't lift.

Reflux

I was curious if anyone’s child has acid reflux? If so what are the signs you look for if your child is non speaking?

My son had reflux when he was a toddler and pre-verbal. It was the hidden kind where it doesn't come up, so it was very hard to diagnose. He slept horribly and we tried everything. At one point we noticed that his sleep was worse after acidy foods (especially tomato based stuff) and that it helped with an elevated pillow. Got him on medicine which helped a lot. Eventually he outgrew it., My son has ad reflux since he was a baby, now that he’s 4.5 he’s also nonverbal we notice it flaring up bc he will choke on it while sleeping if his head isn’t elevated and I’ll notice in the day he burps a lo., My son had reflux when he was a toddler and pre-verbal. It was the hidden kind where it doesn't come up, so it was very hard to diagnose. He slept horribly and we tried everything. At one point we noticed that his sleep was worse after acidy foods (especially tomato based stuff) and that it helped with an elevated pillow. Got him on medicine which helped a lot. Eventually he outgrew it., My son has ad reflux since he was a baby, now that he’s 4.5 he’s also nonverbal we notice it flaring up bc he will choke on it while sleeping if his head isn’t elevated and I’ll notice in the day he burps a lo., My son had reflux when he was a toddler and pre-verbal. It was the hidden kind where it doesn't come up, so it was very hard to diagnose. He slept horribly and we tried everything. At one point we noticed that his sleep was worse after acidy foods (especially tomato based stuff) and that it helped with an elevated pillow. Got him on medicine which helped a lot. Eventually he outgrew it., My son has ad reflux since he was a baby, now that he’s 4.5 he’s also nonverbal we notice it flaring up bc he will choke on it while sleeping if his head isn’t elevated and I’ll notice in the day he burps a lo., My son had reflux when he was a toddler and pre-verbal. It was the hidden kind where it doesn't come up, so it was very hard to diagnose. He slept horribly and we tried everything. At one point we noticed that his sleep was worse after acidy foods (especially tomato based stuff) and that it helped with an elevated pillow. Got him on medicine which helped a lot. Eventually he outgrew it., My son has ad reflux since he was a baby, now that he’s 4.5 he’s also nonverbal we notice it flaring up bc he will choke on it while sleeping if his head isn’t elevated and I’ll notice in the day he burps a lo.

Refusal to say “I’m sorry”

I have a minimally verbal 4 year old who gets really upset whenever we ask him to say “I’m sorry” after he hurts us (example- he grabbed my hair and pulled it this evening). The moment we ask him to say “sorry” it devolves into him crying/screaming “NO”. Any tips/books/social stories that we could employ here?

But if he isn't sorry and he thinks literally then you're asking him to lie. Rather than an apology being the outcome maybe the focus should be on how his actions affect other people, or why he shouldn't do something. When he gets a bit older you can extend it to apologies as a tool to fix something he did wrong., This isn't an uncommon issue. I did persevere. I am sure some will say this was inappropriate. But my child will apologise now, though only if recognises they were at fault. Often the discussions are about why the apologee is called for and what was unacceptable. Sometimes this is easier than others. I do find that the phrase I use is unacceptable. So xyz is unacceptable because.... That has made our life far more cut and dry, and fits with their literal approach., Ehhh personally I don’t teach/force kids to apologize. Especially that young and with no understanding., I think the key is compassionate but firm limits to things. One should not be blaze about this, the inability to apologize or simply understand that physically hurting others is not okay, will hinder the child as they grow up. People here are saying "don't ask your child to lie". I agree, you need to figure out how to explain to him that what he did was wrong, and while it does not make him a bad person, when we make mistakes, they effect others and we are responsible for apologizing for our mistake or short sighted action. Allow his emotions to come out, but do not be deterred in getting the necessary apology, if you give up after he starts crying, you teach him that he is immune to consequences if he throws a tantrum and this is terrible for you, and him. Guide and comfort him through his tantrum as best you can, and once he is calmer, try again. He has to realize that his tantrum does not lead you to absolve him of consequences, because that seems to be what he has learned. Good luck! , Your kid isn't a performing monkey. He will say sorry if he feels like it., Thank you. So you would focus more on teaching the action lesson (like “we don’t pull hair”)?, Yeah… I guess I’m just surprised that my son reacted so strongly to the ask since he has no trouble with things that seem similar like asking him to say thank you sometimes. But I guess there’s something about “I’m sorry” that’s a bigger ask for kids., So, what do you recommend then if my child hits someone? Should I pay him on the back and say “good job”?, The mom is not a punching bag to be hit or have her hair pulled for no reason either. , Exactly, it seems slow going but I find it helps, steer dependent sand ancient roof late yam head snobbish jeans *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*, And? Did I imply that somehow?

Refusing food for days.

(Posted by oldest daughter, written by her mother) My child is 12 years old and she was diagnosed with autism when she was 6 years old. She went completely non-verbal when she was 3 and hasn’t spoken at all since. She’s been to speech therapy but the therapist that was working well with at her school and got her to say words here and there moved and completely refused to keep working with her when she was 9. Since covid she became very reclusive and developed agoraphobia. It took awhile, but eventually she started to leave the house again but only if she had a face mask and sunglasses. All she will do is play video games and watch TV. She is completely uninterested in anything else and is very defiant and violent towards me. Within the last month she started to let me know that she is depressed and doesn’t want to keep trying anymore and just wants to give up. My oldest daughter tried telling her that in order to start feeling better she needs to try and not be on her tv/xbox so much and that she needs to try getting out of bed and going outside. My 12 year old seems to listen to my 18 year old more than me so she tries to communicate with her in ways that my youngest will comprehend. During this last week, we moved houses and she has not gotten out of bed in the entire week and a half we’ve been here. She uses the bathroom once a day, she will throw food at her bedroom door instead of eating, she will not get out of bed. She has been laying there for over a week. I don’t know what to do at this point. My oldest has been telling me to admit her to a inpatient pediatric psych ward because she went to one when she was younger and it helped her a lot, but I don’t know if anything will help. I can’t get her a therapist, she won’t listen to anything anyone says to her anymore. She ignores everyone and just lays there with her eyes shut. I’m worried that by not eating or getting up she is slowly killing herself. Should I admit her to the emergency psych hold until a bed for her is open? Please help.

hi! im an autistic adult and have gone through similar experiences myself. i firstly want to say im sorry you and your family are having such a difficult time and you have all my empathy <3 i dont want to say that inpatient psych units are never helpful, because they can be when theres no other option, but for autistic people they can often do more damage than good (speaking from personal experience). what sort of food are you making for her? im assuming you know which foods she likes, so try and get her to eat those in small amounts and see how that goes. maybe shes experiencing pda? and that could be contributing to her not eating? or she might just be really freaked out by the move and food is something she can control - her nervous system could be messed up from the move and she could feel like she has no control or autonomy, but food is something she can control. do you ask her what she wants to eat and offer it to her? that might be a start. or giving her options of food that you know she can handle. in my experience not pressuring her, like, aggressively to eat can be helpful - ie just gently being like 'youve gotta eat. i know its hard, and i can work with you to get you some food that tastes and feels good to you, and you dont have to eat huge amounts all at once, but you do need to eat.' that's been helpful for me and other people ive know. sometimes having a stimuli that she enjoys around while she is eating can be helpful, maybe eating is uncomfortable for her or painful to her sensory system in some way, so having a stimuli around that can override the difficult input of the food - as she reacclimates to eating - could help. all that being said, if she hasn't eaten in a week it's probably a good idea you're considering inpatient and i know how difficult that can be so i hope you can feel proud of yourself for looking at all the options. if youre going to admit her, just try and make sure that you can communicate with her while she is in there to make sure she is being treated well by the staff. try and maintain her autonomy through that process as much as you can (phone calls at times that she chooses, bringing her clothes of her choosing, basically anything that could remind her that she still has agency despite being admitted involuntarily). if she continues to not eat for another day or two, and you exhaust all options available to you, you should probably get her into the psych ward <3 i wish you and your family so much luck, Sounds like autistic catatonia?, I would try to avoid inpatient psych unless it’s your absolute last option. Speaking as someone who has been struggling from PTSD for almost a decade after being hospitalized when I was 12., It doesn't need to be "in patient psyc" or nothing. She very clearly needs support, since she's admitted she's depressed. Depression is a legitimate medical condition that needs legitimate medical treatment. Also - this isn't autism, and I'm not qualified to diagnose your kid so I'm not gonna diagnose them or speculate on what it is. But this isn't autism only. Especially if she's saying she's depressed. You can be autistic and also have other conditions like major depression. And yes - major depression involves symptoms you describe like not getting out of bed, not eating, poor mood, and anhedonia. And since you are seeing symptoms of some sort of medical issue that isn't autism, you should get it diagnosed by a doctor. I'd get a therapist and a psychiatrist involved for the depression at least - they can diagnose and treat depression remotely over telehealth so no need to actually go in. Your pediatrician can also make a telehealth recommendation on next steps for your kid. They can also inform you if visits, outpatient or inpatient is best for your child going forward. This is way above reddits pay grade, and we can't (nor should we be able to!) provide an accurate assessment of a child we have not met, let alone give accurate advice for a child we don't even have a post from. You've got a lot of options for getting accurate advice and a competent assessment (like a telehealth pediatrician appointment) and they are the right people for this., Will she drink anything? Maybe you could get her to drink some PediaSure or something., Just want to say, my heart goes out to you and your daughter during this challenging time. It's clear that your daughter is experiencing significant distress, and it's understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed. It sounds like she may benefit from some kind of intensive support and intervention from mental health professionals. I strongly encourage you to reach out to her primary care provider or local mental health crisis services for guidance and assistance. <3, This may be completely left field but have you thought that it may be from hormones? She is 12 right? Sounds like something more is going on. This could be a good subject for her older sister to converse with her about if she listens. As a child I didn't speak until I was 5. Selective mute they called it. I did however only whisper to my sister my wants and needs if someone asked me a question. Just a thought and I wish the best for you and peace., Thank you for your advice. Yes, we make her favorite foods but she still throws them on her floor and bedroom door. I have tried having her communicate with us by either writing on paper or shaking her head yes or no but I can’t get anything out of her. My daughter and I have both told her that she has to eat and get out of bed or else she can gain some serious medical issues but from what she has expressed before, I think she wants something major to happen. I think she is very suicidal 😔., She also enjoys watching gaming videos and ASMR. She has multiple fidget and sensory items and activities in her room as well. She usually likes to play video games while she eats but for the past few days she has just been laying there listening to ASMR. I’m hoping that this is her trying to mellow her mind and relax herself so she can start slowly trying to get back into her routine., She won’t respond to Me or her sister, so she won’t even think about responding to a random therapist or psychiatrist. She has a doctor that she has been going to for neurological tests and still barely gives him an answer back, I am aware she has depression unfortunately I can’t help her if she won’t help me too., My oldest has had that conversation with her and I have as well. My youngest always is usually always coming to me and asking me questions about her body and mind and she is always searching the internet as well for answers to her questions that may explain better than I can. She is very knowledgeable, recently I noticed that she was searching up mental health quizzes on YouTube and I’m wondering if maybe she self diagnosed herself with another mental illness and feels like she has to live up to that? My oldest daughter expressed that thought to me because she as well used to self diagnose herself online and would start portraying signs of the mental illness she thought she had, or wanted to have., thats so fair and good on you. maybe that is whats up, that shes suicidal. i wonder if theres someone in her life who might be able to talk to her? its not your fault at all but in my past sometimes when someone else i trust has talked to me about stuff like this it helps get me to do the thing im having trouble with, like eating or going outside or whatever. could that be an option for you? either way, yeah, it might be time to take her to the hospital : (, its great she has that stuff available to her! it could be that thats what shes doing, could also be that shes trying to override new and painful sensory stimuli with the asmr. also from the other commenter about hormones might be onto something. has she started her period yet? until a few years ago i couldnt really function when i would have my period because of all the sensory stimuli accompanying it, as well as Hormones messing with all my existence. with the addition of her being excited to move and being so close with you, it sounds like she could be very depressed, or be having a difficult time due to hormones. or the self diagnosis thing, that could be it too., I can hear you care a lot about her, and feel powerless about it. What I'm trying to say is that an involuntary in patient psyc hold doesn't require her participation, but it's a big medical intervention that isn't without risk. Getting a professional to weigh in takes away some of that risk becuase they know what they are looking at and can tell you if the depression (or whatever it is - again not diagnosing) is bad enough for an involuntary psych hold which you are considering. And they can do this a TON better than reddit. You are describing a *lot* of symptoms, and the good thing about that is that symptoms don't scare doctors and they are just going to say those are symptoms of X. Doctors regularly diagnose people who are unconscious from an accident, injury or health issue (like a heart attack), or confused/disoriented so they don't need a patient's participation to say things like go to the hospital for in patient treatment to a caregiver or even really to diagnose. They will see her condition and recommend something *to you* that's actually accurate, and you can probably get a pediatrican to at least let you describe her symptoms and see that shes refusing to get out of bed. You are describing a major psychiatric episode chock full of symptoms they aren't gonna ignore. There are other options like prescribing that need very minimal participation from her (hence the psychotherapist recommendation), and they can assess if these options are feasible or if in patient is your only option accurately - and definitely in a way we redditors can't. Which is why I'm pointing you in that direction., She has always spoken to me if there was anything bothering her. She would even tell me her secrets and things that she was ashamed of sharing before, we were very close. I feel like she is mad at me for moving houses, but at the same time, she told me that she wanted nothing but to move and was excited as well😔, Yes she has, she started it about a year ago. She talked me into getting her the depot shot to stop her periods and cramps and my oldest daughter warned me that it made her extremely depressed when she had it and it might not be the best idea but my youngest was so set on it and I did my own research and thought it would be okay. I think the shot may also be what is taking a toll on her., How are her bowel movements and is she having and stomach issues? Stress from moving can cause digestive issues, which can lead to good avoidance…, hi! im an autistic adult and have gone through similar experiences myself. i firstly want to say im sorry you and your family are having such a difficult time and you have all my empathy <3 i dont want to say that inpatient psych units are never helpful, because they can be when theres no other option, but for autistic people they can often do more damage than good (speaking from personal experience). what sort of food are you making for her? im assuming you know which foods she likes, so try and get her to eat those in small amounts and see how that goes. maybe shes experiencing pda? and that could be contributing to her not eating? or she might just be really freaked out by the move and food is something she can control - her nervous system could be messed up from the move and she could feel like she has no control or autonomy, but food is something she can control. do you ask her what she wants to eat and offer it to her? that might be a start. or giving her options of food that you know she can handle. in my experience not pressuring her, like, aggressively to eat can be helpful - ie just gently being like 'youve gotta eat. i know its hard, and i can work with you to get you some food that tastes and feels good to you, and you dont have to eat huge amounts all at once, but you do need to eat.' that's been helpful for me and other people ive know. sometimes having a stimuli that she enjoys around while she is eating can be helpful, maybe eating is uncomfortable for her or painful to her sensory system in some way, so having a stimuli around that can override the difficult input of the food - as she reacclimates to eating - could help. all that being said, if she hasn't eaten in a week it's probably a good idea you're considering inpatient and i know how difficult that can be so i hope you can feel proud of yourself for looking at all the options. if youre going to admit her, just try and make sure that you can communicate with her while she is in there to make sure she is being treated well by the staff. try and maintain her autonomy through that process as much as you can (phone calls at times that she chooses, bringing her clothes of her choosing, basically anything that could remind her that she still has agency despite being admitted involuntarily). if she continues to not eat for another day or two, and you exhaust all options available to you, you should probably get her into the psych ward <3 i wish you and your family so much luck, Sounds like autistic catatonia?, I would try to avoid inpatient psych unless it’s your absolute last option. Speaking as someone who has been struggling from PTSD for almost a decade after being hospitalized when I was 12., It doesn't need to be "in patient psyc" or nothing. She very clearly needs support, since she's admitted she's depressed. Depression is a legitimate medical condition that needs legitimate medical treatment. Also - this isn't autism, and I'm not qualified to diagnose your kid so I'm not gonna diagnose them or speculate on what it is. But this isn't autism only. Especially if she's saying she's depressed. You can be autistic and also have other conditions like major depression. And yes - major depression involves symptoms you describe like not getting out of bed, not eating, poor mood, and anhedonia. And since you are seeing symptoms of some sort of medical issue that isn't autism, you should get it diagnosed by a doctor. I'd get a therapist and a psychiatrist involved for the depression at least - they can diagnose and treat depression remotely over telehealth so no need to actually go in. Your pediatrician can also make a telehealth recommendation on next steps for your kid. They can also inform you if visits, outpatient or inpatient is best for your child going forward. This is way above reddits pay grade, and we can't (nor should we be able to!) provide an accurate assessment of a child we have not met, let alone give accurate advice for a child we don't even have a post from. You've got a lot of options for getting accurate advice and a competent assessment (like a telehealth pediatrician appointment) and they are the right people for this., Will she drink anything? Maybe you could get her to drink some PediaSure or something., Just want to say, my heart goes out to you and your daughter during this challenging time. It's clear that your daughter is experiencing significant distress, and it's understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed. It sounds like she may benefit from some kind of intensive support and intervention from mental health professionals. I strongly encourage you to reach out to her primary care provider or local mental health crisis services for guidance and assistance. <3, This may be completely left field but have you thought that it may be from hormones? She is 12 right? Sounds like something more is going on. This could be a good subject for her older sister to converse with her about if she listens. As a child I didn't speak until I was 5. Selective mute they called it. I did however only whisper to my sister my wants and needs if someone asked me a question. Just a thought and I wish the best for you and peace., Thank you for your advice. Yes, we make her favorite foods but she still throws them on her floor and bedroom door. I have tried having her communicate with us by either writing on paper or shaking her head yes or no but I can’t get anything out of her. My daughter and I have both told her that she has to eat and get out of bed or else she can gain some serious medical issues but from what she has expressed before, I think she wants something major to happen. I think she is very suicidal 😔., She also enjoys watching gaming videos and ASMR. She has multiple fidget and sensory items and activities in her room as well. She usually likes to play video games while she eats but for the past few days she has just been laying there listening to ASMR. I’m hoping that this is her trying to mellow her mind and relax herself so she can start slowly trying to get back into her routine., She won’t respond to Me or her sister, so she won’t even think about responding to a random therapist or psychiatrist. She has a doctor that she has been going to for neurological tests and still barely gives him an answer back, I am aware she has depression unfortunately I can’t help her if she won’t help me too., My oldest has had that conversation with her and I have as well. My youngest always is usually always coming to me and asking me questions about her body and mind and she is always searching the internet as well for answers to her questions that may explain better than I can. She is very knowledgeable, recently I noticed that she was searching up mental health quizzes on YouTube and I’m wondering if maybe she self diagnosed herself with another mental illness and feels like she has to live up to that? My oldest daughter expressed that thought to me because she as well used to self diagnose herself online and would start portraying signs of the mental illness she thought she had, or wanted to have., thats so fair and good on you. maybe that is whats up, that shes suicidal. i wonder if theres someone in her life who might be able to talk to her? its not your fault at all but in my past sometimes when someone else i trust has talked to me about stuff like this it helps get me to do the thing im having trouble with, like eating or going outside or whatever. could that be an option for you? either way, yeah, it might be time to take her to the hospital : (, its great she has that stuff available to her! it could be that thats what shes doing, could also be that shes trying to override new and painful sensory stimuli with the asmr. also from the other commenter about hormones might be onto something. has she started her period yet? until a few years ago i couldnt really function when i would have my period because of all the sensory stimuli accompanying it, as well as Hormones messing with all my existence. with the addition of her being excited to move and being so close with you, it sounds like she could be very depressed, or be having a difficult time due to hormones. or the self diagnosis thing, that could be it too., I can hear you care a lot about her, and feel powerless about it. What I'm trying to say is that an involuntary in patient psyc hold doesn't require her participation, but it's a big medical intervention that isn't without risk. Getting a professional to weigh in takes away some of that risk becuase they know what they are looking at and can tell you if the depression (or whatever it is - again not diagnosing) is bad enough for an involuntary psych hold which you are considering. And they can do this a TON better than reddit. You are describing a *lot* of symptoms, and the good thing about that is that symptoms don't scare doctors and they are just going to say those are symptoms of X. Doctors regularly diagnose people who are unconscious from an accident, injury or health issue (like a heart attack), or confused/disoriented so they don't need a patient's participation to say things like go to the hospital for in patient treatment to a caregiver or even really to diagnose. They will see her condition and recommend something *to you* that's actually accurate, and you can probably get a pediatrican to at least let you describe her symptoms and see that shes refusing to get out of bed. You are describing a major psychiatric episode chock full of symptoms they aren't gonna ignore. There are other options like prescribing that need very minimal participation from her (hence the psychotherapist recommendation), and they can assess if these options are feasible or if in patient is your only option accurately - and definitely in a way we redditors can't. Which is why I'm pointing you in that direction., She has always spoken to me if there was anything bothering her. She would even tell me her secrets and things that she was ashamed of sharing before, we were very close. I feel like she is mad at me for moving houses, but at the same time, she told me that she wanted nothing but to move and was excited as well😔, Yes she has, she started it about a year ago. She talked me into getting her the depot shot to stop her periods and cramps and my oldest daughter warned me that it made her extremely depressed when she had it and it might not be the best idea but my youngest was so set on it and I did my own research and thought it would be okay. I think the shot may also be what is taking a toll on her., How are her bowel movements and is she having and stomach issues? Stress from moving can cause digestive issues, which can lead to good avoidance…, hi! im an autistic adult and have gone through similar experiences myself. i firstly want to say im sorry you and your family are having such a difficult time and you have all my empathy <3 i dont want to say that inpatient psych units are never helpful, because they can be when theres no other option, but for autistic people they can often do more damage than good (speaking from personal experience). what sort of food are you making for her? im assuming you know which foods she likes, so try and get her to eat those in small amounts and see how that goes. maybe shes experiencing pda? and that could be contributing to her not eating? or she might just be really freaked out by the move and food is something she can control - her nervous system could be messed up from the move and she could feel like she has no control or autonomy, but food is something she can control. do you ask her what she wants to eat and offer it to her? that might be a start. or giving her options of food that you know she can handle. in my experience not pressuring her, like, aggressively to eat can be helpful - ie just gently being like 'youve gotta eat. i know its hard, and i can work with you to get you some food that tastes and feels good to you, and you dont have to eat huge amounts all at once, but you do need to eat.' that's been helpful for me and other people ive know. sometimes having a stimuli that she enjoys around while she is eating can be helpful, maybe eating is uncomfortable for her or painful to her sensory system in some way, so having a stimuli around that can override the difficult input of the food - as she reacclimates to eating - could help. all that being said, if she hasn't eaten in a week it's probably a good idea you're considering inpatient and i know how difficult that can be so i hope you can feel proud of yourself for looking at all the options. if youre going to admit her, just try and make sure that you can communicate with her while she is in there to make sure she is being treated well by the staff. try and maintain her autonomy through that process as much as you can (phone calls at times that she chooses, bringing her clothes of her choosing, basically anything that could remind her that she still has agency despite being admitted involuntarily). if she continues to not eat for another day or two, and you exhaust all options available to you, you should probably get her into the psych ward <3 i wish you and your family so much luck, Sounds like autistic catatonia?, I would try to avoid inpatient psych unless it’s your absolute last option. Speaking as someone who has been struggling from PTSD for almost a decade after being hospitalized when I was 12., It doesn't need to be "in patient psyc" or nothing. She very clearly needs support, since she's admitted she's depressed. Depression is a legitimate medical condition that needs legitimate medical treatment. Also - this isn't autism, and I'm not qualified to diagnose your kid so I'm not gonna diagnose them or speculate on what it is. But this isn't autism only. Especially if she's saying she's depressed. You can be autistic and also have other conditions like major depression. And yes - major depression involves symptoms you describe like not getting out of bed, not eating, poor mood, and anhedonia. And since you are seeing symptoms of some sort of medical issue that isn't autism, you should get it diagnosed by a doctor. I'd get a therapist and a psychiatrist involved for the depression at least - they can diagnose and treat depression remotely over telehealth so no need to actually go in. Your pediatrician can also make a telehealth recommendation on next steps for your kid. They can also inform you if visits, outpatient or inpatient is best for your child going forward. This is way above reddits pay grade, and we can't (nor should we be able to!) provide an accurate assessment of a child we have not met, let alone give accurate advice for a child we don't even have a post from. You've got a lot of options for getting accurate advice and a competent assessment (like a telehealth pediatrician appointment) and they are the right people for this., Will she drink anything? Maybe you could get her to drink some PediaSure or something., Just want to say, my heart goes out to you and your daughter during this challenging time. It's clear that your daughter is experiencing significant distress, and it's understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed. It sounds like she may benefit from some kind of intensive support and intervention from mental health professionals. I strongly encourage you to reach out to her primary care provider or local mental health crisis services for guidance and assistance. <3, This may be completely left field but have you thought that it may be from hormones? She is 12 right? Sounds like something more is going on. This could be a good subject for her older sister to converse with her about if she listens. As a child I didn't speak until I was 5. Selective mute they called it. I did however only whisper to my sister my wants and needs if someone asked me a question. Just a thought and I wish the best for you and peace., Thank you for your advice. Yes, we make her favorite foods but she still throws them on her floor and bedroom door. I have tried having her communicate with us by either writing on paper or shaking her head yes or no but I can’t get anything out of her. My daughter and I have both told her that she has to eat and get out of bed or else she can gain some serious medical issues but from what she has expressed before, I think she wants something major to happen. I think she is very suicidal 😔., She also enjoys watching gaming videos and ASMR. She has multiple fidget and sensory items and activities in her room as well. She usually likes to play video games while she eats but for the past few days she has just been laying there listening to ASMR. I’m hoping that this is her trying to mellow her mind and relax herself so she can start slowly trying to get back into her routine., She won’t respond to Me or her sister, so she won’t even think about responding to a random therapist or psychiatrist. She has a doctor that she has been going to for neurological tests and still barely gives him an answer back, I am aware she has depression unfortunately I can’t help her if she won’t help me too., My oldest has had that conversation with her and I have as well. My youngest always is usually always coming to me and asking me questions about her body and mind and she is always searching the internet as well for answers to her questions that may explain better than I can. She is very knowledgeable, recently I noticed that she was searching up mental health quizzes on YouTube and I’m wondering if maybe she self diagnosed herself with another mental illness and feels like she has to live up to that? My oldest daughter expressed that thought to me because she as well used to self diagnose herself online and would start portraying signs of the mental illness she thought she had, or wanted to have., thats so fair and good on you. maybe that is whats up, that shes suicidal. i wonder if theres someone in her life who might be able to talk to her? its not your fault at all but in my past sometimes when someone else i trust has talked to me about stuff like this it helps get me to do the thing im having trouble with, like eating or going outside or whatever. could that be an option for you? either way, yeah, it might be time to take her to the hospital : (, its great she has that stuff available to her! it could be that thats what shes doing, could also be that shes trying to override new and painful sensory stimuli with the asmr. also from the other commenter about hormones might be onto something. has she started her period yet? until a few years ago i couldnt really function when i would have my period because of all the sensory stimuli accompanying it, as well as Hormones messing with all my existence. with the addition of her being excited to move and being so close with you, it sounds like she could be very depressed, or be having a difficult time due to hormones. or the self diagnosis thing, that could be it too., I can hear you care a lot about her, and feel powerless about it. What I'm trying to say is that an involuntary in patient psyc hold doesn't require her participation, but it's a big medical intervention that isn't without risk. Getting a professional to weigh in takes away some of that risk becuase they know what they are looking at and can tell you if the depression (or whatever it is - again not diagnosing) is bad enough for an involuntary psych hold which you are considering. And they can do this a TON better than reddit. You are describing a *lot* of symptoms, and the good thing about that is that symptoms don't scare doctors and they are just going to say those are symptoms of X. Doctors regularly diagnose people who are unconscious from an accident, injury or health issue (like a heart attack), or confused/disoriented so they don't need a patient's participation to say things like go to the hospital for in patient treatment to a caregiver or even really to diagnose. They will see her condition and recommend something *to you* that's actually accurate, and you can probably get a pediatrican to at least let you describe her symptoms and see that shes refusing to get out of bed. You are describing a major psychiatric episode chock full of symptoms they aren't gonna ignore. There are other options like prescribing that need very minimal participation from her (hence the psychotherapist recommendation), and they can assess if these options are feasible or if in patient is your only option accurately - and definitely in a way we redditors can't. Which is why I'm pointing you in that direction., She has always spoken to me if there was anything bothering her. She would even tell me her secrets and things that she was ashamed of sharing before, we were very close. I feel like she is mad at me for moving houses, but at the same time, she told me that she wanted nothing but to move and was excited as well😔, Yes she has, she started it about a year ago. She talked me into getting her the depot shot to stop her periods and cramps and my oldest daughter warned me that it made her extremely depressed when she had it and it might not be the best idea but my youngest was so set on it and I did my own research and thought it would be okay. I think the shot may also be what is taking a toll on her., How are her bowel movements and is she having and stomach issues? Stress from moving can cause digestive issues, which can lead to good avoidance…, hi! im an autistic adult and have gone through similar experiences myself. i firstly want to say im sorry you and your family are having such a difficult time and you have all my empathy <3 i dont want to say that inpatient psych units are never helpful, because they can be when theres no other option, but for autistic people they can often do more damage than good (speaking from personal experience). what sort of food are you making for her? im assuming you know which foods she likes, so try and get her to eat those in small amounts and see how that goes. maybe shes experiencing pda? and that could be contributing to her not eating? or she might just be really freaked out by the move and food is something she can control - her nervous system could be messed up from the move and she could feel like she has no control or autonomy, but food is something she can control. do you ask her what she wants to eat and offer it to her? that might be a start. or giving her options of food that you know she can handle. in my experience not pressuring her, like, aggressively to eat can be helpful - ie just gently being like 'youve gotta eat. i know its hard, and i can work with you to get you some food that tastes and feels good to you, and you dont have to eat huge amounts all at once, but you do need to eat.' that's been helpful for me and other people ive know. sometimes having a stimuli that she enjoys around while she is eating can be helpful, maybe eating is uncomfortable for her or painful to her sensory system in some way, so having a stimuli around that can override the difficult input of the food - as she reacclimates to eating - could help. all that being said, if she hasn't eaten in a week it's probably a good idea you're considering inpatient and i know how difficult that can be so i hope you can feel proud of yourself for looking at all the options. if youre going to admit her, just try and make sure that you can communicate with her while she is in there to make sure she is being treated well by the staff. try and maintain her autonomy through that process as much as you can (phone calls at times that she chooses, bringing her clothes of her choosing, basically anything that could remind her that she still has agency despite being admitted involuntarily). if she continues to not eat for another day or two, and you exhaust all options available to you, you should probably get her into the psych ward <3 i wish you and your family so much luck, Sounds like autistic catatonia?, I would try to avoid inpatient psych unless it’s your absolute last option. Speaking as someone who has been struggling from PTSD for almost a decade after being hospitalized when I was 12., It doesn't need to be "in patient psyc" or nothing. She very clearly needs support, since she's admitted she's depressed. Depression is a legitimate medical condition that needs legitimate medical treatment. Also - this isn't autism, and I'm not qualified to diagnose your kid so I'm not gonna diagnose them or speculate on what it is. But this isn't autism only. Especially if she's saying she's depressed. You can be autistic and also have other conditions like major depression. And yes - major depression involves symptoms you describe like not getting out of bed, not eating, poor mood, and anhedonia. And since you are seeing symptoms of some sort of medical issue that isn't autism, you should get it diagnosed by a doctor. I'd get a therapist and a psychiatrist involved for the depression at least - they can diagnose and treat depression remotely over telehealth so no need to actually go in. Your pediatrician can also make a telehealth recommendation on next steps for your kid. They can also inform you if visits, outpatient or inpatient is best for your child going forward. This is way above reddits pay grade, and we can't (nor should we be able to!) provide an accurate assessment of a child we have not met, let alone give accurate advice for a child we don't even have a post from. You've got a lot of options for getting accurate advice and a competent assessment (like a telehealth pediatrician appointment) and they are the right people for this., Will she drink anything? Maybe you could get her to drink some PediaSure or something., Just want to say, my heart goes out to you and your daughter during this challenging time. It's clear that your daughter is experiencing significant distress, and it's understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed. It sounds like she may benefit from some kind of intensive support and intervention from mental health professionals. I strongly encourage you to reach out to her primary care provider or local mental health crisis services for guidance and assistance. <3, This may be completely left field but have you thought that it may be from hormones? She is 12 right? Sounds like something more is going on. This could be a good subject for her older sister to converse with her about if she listens. As a child I didn't speak until I was 5. Selective mute they called it. I did however only whisper to my sister my wants and needs if someone asked me a question. Just a thought and I wish the best for you and peace., Thank you for your advice. Yes, we make her favorite foods but she still throws them on her floor and bedroom door. I have tried having her communicate with us by either writing on paper or shaking her head yes or no but I can’t get anything out of her. My daughter and I have both told her that she has to eat and get out of bed or else she can gain some serious medical issues but from what she has expressed before, I think she wants something major to happen. I think she is very suicidal 😔., She also enjoys watching gaming videos and ASMR. She has multiple fidget and sensory items and activities in her room as well. She usually likes to play video games while she eats but for the past few days she has just been laying there listening to ASMR. I’m hoping that this is her trying to mellow her mind and relax herself so she can start slowly trying to get back into her routine., She won’t respond to Me or her sister, so she won’t even think about responding to a random therapist or psychiatrist. She has a doctor that she has been going to for neurological tests and still barely gives him an answer back, I am aware she has depression unfortunately I can’t help her if she won’t help me too., My oldest has had that conversation with her and I have as well. My youngest always is usually always coming to me and asking me questions about her body and mind and she is always searching the internet as well for answers to her questions that may explain better than I can. She is very knowledgeable, recently I noticed that she was searching up mental health quizzes on YouTube and I’m wondering if maybe she self diagnosed herself with another mental illness and feels like she has to live up to that? My oldest daughter expressed that thought to me because she as well used to self diagnose herself online and would start portraying signs of the mental illness she thought she had, or wanted to have., thats so fair and good on you. maybe that is whats up, that shes suicidal. i wonder if theres someone in her life who might be able to talk to her? its not your fault at all but in my past sometimes when someone else i trust has talked to me about stuff like this it helps get me to do the thing im having trouble with, like eating or going outside or whatever. could that be an option for you? either way, yeah, it might be time to take her to the hospital : (, its great she has that stuff available to her! it could be that thats what shes doing, could also be that shes trying to override new and painful sensory stimuli with the asmr. also from the other commenter about hormones might be onto something. has she started her period yet? until a few years ago i couldnt really function when i would have my period because of all the sensory stimuli accompanying it, as well as Hormones messing with all my existence. with the addition of her being excited to move and being so close with you, it sounds like she could be very depressed, or be having a difficult time due to hormones. or the self diagnosis thing, that could be it too., I can hear you care a lot about her, and feel powerless about it. What I'm trying to say is that an involuntary in patient psyc hold doesn't require her participation, but it's a big medical intervention that isn't without risk. Getting a professional to weigh in takes away some of that risk becuase they know what they are looking at and can tell you if the depression (or whatever it is - again not diagnosing) is bad enough for an involuntary psych hold which you are considering. And they can do this a TON better than reddit. You are describing a *lot* of symptoms, and the good thing about that is that symptoms don't scare doctors and they are just going to say those are symptoms of X. Doctors regularly diagnose people who are unconscious from an accident, injury or health issue (like a heart attack), or confused/disoriented so they don't need a patient's participation to say things like go to the hospital for in patient treatment to a caregiver or even really to diagnose. They will see her condition and recommend something *to you* that's actually accurate, and you can probably get a pediatrican to at least let you describe her symptoms and see that shes refusing to get out of bed. You are describing a major psychiatric episode chock full of symptoms they aren't gonna ignore. There are other options like prescribing that need very minimal participation from her (hence the psychotherapist recommendation), and they can assess if these options are feasible or if in patient is your only option accurately - and definitely in a way we redditors can't. Which is why I'm pointing you in that direction., She has always spoken to me if there was anything bothering her. She would even tell me her secrets and things that she was ashamed of sharing before, we were very close. I feel like she is mad at me for moving houses, but at the same time, she told me that she wanted nothing but to move and was excited as well😔, Yes she has, she started it about a year ago. She talked me into getting her the depot shot to stop her periods and cramps and my oldest daughter warned me that it made her extremely depressed when she had it and it might not be the best idea but my youngest was so set on it and I did my own research and thought it would be okay. I think the shot may also be what is taking a toll on her., How are her bowel movements and is she having and stomach issues? Stress from moving can cause digestive issues, which can lead to good avoidance…

Regular vs IEP Preschool

Hello, I have a 3 yr old boy who was diagnosed with level 3 autism. He's non-verbal, and hard to gain attention. He's been going to an IEP funded special settings preschool since this Feb. It's 4 hrs/day, with 40 min/wk of speech therapy. The class only has 5 kids, all non-verbal. We noticed that our son became much less verbal, and much harder to form a joint attention since he started the school. For example, he used to point to correct drawings if we ask where certain animals/cars are. Now, he doesn't respond at all. He also used to count numbers or alphabets together, but he doesn't respond to that either. Maybe it'scoincidence, but we are worried that maybe he's regressing because he spents time with other non-verbal kids. We are trying to figure out if we should send him to regular preschool, or keep him in IEP class but with additional speech therapy session. Anyone have experience with both regular preschool and special needs preschool? Thank you

Also 40 minutes a week (is it individual or group?) is nowhere near adequate for a nonverbal child. Regardless of what you do school wise consider supplementing it with private therapy if possible. My understanding is that ABA, if high quality (and that's a giant if) tends to have the best outcomes for level 3 kids., Both… it’s hit or miss according to the individual school. A special education preschool was the absolute worst. The regular daycare was ok. The special education preschool has been pretty good. If he is losing skills and not progressing then that’s not the best place for him. If you have the funds I would move him back where he made progress., I thought it was individual therapy, but the IEP doc shows group. So I'm not really sure. But yes, it does feel too short. I'm planning to request an IEP meeting for longer speech therapy at least. How much would you say is adequate amount of speech therapy? I'm also in process of searching for an ABA therapist, which has been surprisingly hard... Also waiting for Medi-Cal (Californian medicaid) so I can get some financial support., Thank you for sharing your experience. Not sure what to do, but will check if a regular preschool can become an option. Thamk you!, I'm not sure exactly how much is enough, but ask someone outside of the school system - they will say it is enough to avoid paying for it. For a nonverbal kid though probably minimum 3 hours a week individual would be much better along with practice instructions for you to do with him regularly. Realistically you will need private therapy to come close to this., Understood, thank you!, Also 40 minutes a week (is it individual or group?) is nowhere near adequate for a nonverbal child. Regardless of what you do school wise consider supplementing it with private therapy if possible. My understanding is that ABA, if high quality (and that's a giant if) tends to have the best outcomes for level 3 kids., Both… it’s hit or miss according to the individual school. A special education preschool was the absolute worst. The regular daycare was ok. The special education preschool has been pretty good. If he is losing skills and not progressing then that’s not the best place for him. If you have the funds I would move him back where he made progress., I thought it was individual therapy, but the IEP doc shows group. So I'm not really sure. But yes, it does feel too short. I'm planning to request an IEP meeting for longer speech therapy at least. How much would you say is adequate amount of speech therapy? I'm also in process of searching for an ABA therapist, which has been surprisingly hard... Also waiting for Medi-Cal (Californian medicaid) so I can get some financial support., Thank you for sharing your experience. Not sure what to do, but will check if a regular preschool can become an option. Thamk you!, I'm not sure exactly how much is enough, but ask someone outside of the school system - they will say it is enough to avoid paying for it. For a nonverbal kid though probably minimum 3 hours a week individual would be much better along with practice instructions for you to do with him regularly. Realistically you will need private therapy to come close to this., Understood, thank you!, Also 40 minutes a week (is it individual or group?) is nowhere near adequate for a nonverbal child. Regardless of what you do school wise consider supplementing it with private therapy if possible. My understanding is that ABA, if high quality (and that's a giant if) tends to have the best outcomes for level 3 kids., Both… it’s hit or miss according to the individual school. A special education preschool was the absolute worst. The regular daycare was ok. The special education preschool has been pretty good. If he is losing skills and not progressing then that’s not the best place for him. If you have the funds I would move him back where he made progress., I thought it was individual therapy, but the IEP doc shows group. So I'm not really sure. But yes, it does feel too short. I'm planning to request an IEP meeting for longer speech therapy at least. How much would you say is adequate amount of speech therapy? I'm also in process of searching for an ABA therapist, which has been surprisingly hard... Also waiting for Medi-Cal (Californian medicaid) so I can get some financial support., Thank you for sharing your experience. Not sure what to do, but will check if a regular preschool can become an option. Thamk you!, I'm not sure exactly how much is enough, but ask someone outside of the school system - they will say it is enough to avoid paying for it. For a nonverbal kid though probably minimum 3 hours a week individual would be much better along with practice instructions for you to do with him regularly. Realistically you will need private therapy to come close to this., Understood, thank you!, Also 40 minutes a week (is it individual or group?) is nowhere near adequate for a nonverbal child. Regardless of what you do school wise consider supplementing it with private therapy if possible. My understanding is that ABA, if high quality (and that's a giant if) tends to have the best outcomes for level 3 kids., Both… it’s hit or miss according to the individual school. A special education preschool was the absolute worst. The regular daycare was ok. The special education preschool has been pretty good. If he is losing skills and not progressing then that’s not the best place for him. If you have the funds I would move him back where he made progress., I thought it was individual therapy, but the IEP doc shows group. So I'm not really sure. But yes, it does feel too short. I'm planning to request an IEP meeting for longer speech therapy at least. How much would you say is adequate amount of speech therapy? I'm also in process of searching for an ABA therapist, which has been surprisingly hard... Also waiting for Medi-Cal (Californian medicaid) so I can get some financial support., Thank you for sharing your experience. Not sure what to do, but will check if a regular preschool can become an option. Thamk you!, I'm not sure exactly how much is enough, but ask someone outside of the school system - they will say it is enough to avoid paying for it. For a nonverbal kid though probably minimum 3 hours a week individual would be much better along with practice instructions for you to do with him regularly. Realistically you will need private therapy to come close to this., Understood, thank you!

Relationship

Hi everyone, I hope you can give me some advice from your experiences with autistic parenting and dating. I maybe could have posted this thread in a relationship forum or something like that, but since im dealing with a more particular situation that involves autism parenting and relationships i though would make sense to post here and hear you opinion, advice and comments, as blunt, sincere and direct as possible. Im not here to defy anything or anyone just try to understand your side/view as parents of autistic kids and how that can influence the choices, regrets, guilt, options in relationships. Im single male 39 years old, and around 3 years ago i met a single mom (37 now) with an autistic kid (now with 9 years old). He is a good and kind kid, not aggressive, stubborn but he is remarkably responsive to orders and tasks, not severely autistic, i would say borderline, but with more serious speech problems and some hypotonia. Yes we met online in a penpal community (these you write letters to each other, more or less old fashion way). We live in Europe, 3 hours flight from each other. What was supposed to be a friendship in the beginning, turned into an unexpected and unbelievable bond, attraction, friendship, romance, mutual traits similarities, lots of life coincidences, even past similar experiences,... whatever you can imagine. Bare in mind i never was into online romance before. The first 1 year and a half we kept growing our bond totally naturally, like we have never experienced before, much to talk about, literally daily(!), video calls, letters, messages,... i knew she was a single mother, separated for 5 years, seemed resolved, so i did not saw any issues and we get along remarkably well. She confessed much about her daily problems with the kid, despite loving him much. She is independent and autonomous financially, have good supportive family around (parents and siblings), good financial status, with good house and income, kid does regular therapy, goes to special school with even good remarks. So overall a stable life. Happens that last year, after 1 year and a half of us talking, sharing much and everything going smooth she tells me out of nowhere and surprisingly she decided to try reconcile with ex-partner, the kid father. This was around the same time we were finally deciding to met personally. I mean we were thinking about it before but i noticed some fears of her about it, specifically fear of getting attached, so i did not insist much. She wanted, then seemed more reluctant,...kind of come and go. Really i was not expecting that, we went slowly, we were always respectful and non pushing, she was separated for 5 years (they were never married), so in my mind i though well lets go for it. But it happened out of nowhere. I was never a person to cheat, nor her i believe. Well the next 2 months after that shock were hard, i was a bit lost, she was trying to adapt to the reconciliation,etc... Then we got back to regular contact again. But since that time she said she setup her mind to see me just as a friend, even if words escape from her otherwise, from time to time. Then she told me that it could be a good idea for us to meet, and we did it last October. It was an amazing week, an incredible bond, like we knew each other forever (way above any friendly vibe, was fantastic and natural), we are quite similar in many ways. Still I was left more confused, why this women did that sudden change for reconciliation. Despite the enormous attraction vocalized by both, still we remained contained and respectful when we met she was committed to the reconciliation and i just had to respect that. No kisses or anything like that, just a hug like we knew each other for centuries :-) I honestly cannot describe you, maybe im a dreamer or a romantic i dont know :-) I suppose it should not be easy to accept a new person in a life of a parent with disabled kid, specially when the father somehow can still be around. Specially with so much hard circumstances around. The kids father was supposed to stay there in her country and be more present, but the reality is that after the first 2 months living there daily he got to old patterns of wanting to go abroad for work, and that is what still happens until now, he is barely at home, so in a way she still has all the pressure of raising him on her. She says she sees the father more as a friend than anything else. She keeps wanting to talk to me, wanting to be my friend, she confides more in me then in her friends sometimes, she keeps sending me words of "liking me much,...". Im a bit confused. All these months i tried to set myself to be just her friend, even tried to cut or reduce the contact, but she contacts me willingly, and yes i really like her. I dont interfere at all with her reconciliation, he is the kid father period, no discussion, but i see she is not fully happy at the same time, more like she accepts it somehow for the good of the kid. Bare in mind she was the one that wanted to separate the first time around and i believe she was the one that accepted him again. She probably is doing the right thing dont know, the kid father seems to have changed a bit, more willing, more "pacified" with accepting it and collaborating somehow. and not as reckless and dismissive in her words. Still the kid father promised to get back to her country, but he again started to go work abroad, and rarely be at home. Also they dont yet live together after one year of starting reconciliation. But i ask why she showed me a lot of interest in the first place when she was single, and to certain point still shows nowadays? And then just does that and breaks off like that? She is a responsible mother, steady, collected, stable, reasoning,... Why does she says she dreams about me, likes me, worries about me, and other mind boggling things,... Well maybe i fulfill her soul in someway or are more in tune with her way of thinking, she claims that the kid father does not seem to be so involved in heart, more like a body presence than "soul" in it, more like trying to fulfill the parenthood role. But i guess autism parenthood is not easy. I know a friend couple that have a kid with high functioning autism, they divorced when the kid was in late teens. - Did i failed somewhere to show how much i like her or am willing to do? Did i failed to show my commitment? Maybe she saw the long distance as a huge barrier and though this will never work long term, and is worried about consequences... But i told her im flexible job wise, no problem being abroad for longer time and our distance is not so overwhelming. Even i can move more definitive in long term if things develop. - Was she always all along thinking about reconciling with ex-partner even liking me much until this day? Do you parents of autistic kids experience regret of divorce or separation and try reconciliation specially for fear of hurting your kid more with new relationships? Fear of guilt, regret, or bad choice? Well i guess it depends on each case. It might be that she is also a bit conservative in the sense that she prefers to reconcile with the father of the kid and not "menace" the stability of biological bonds or confuse the kid? or just family/friends/pressure?. Maybe guilt or pity of the father of kid? Like feelings of some embarrassment also. I myself have a step father for 30 years and i always respected him, im grateful and he tough me a lot in this life, so for me that is not an issue. - Is it so difficult for a single mother (or father) of autistic kid to have relationships again, even after long separation from ex-partner or divorce? Im not sure if she had any while she was separated, but if so did not last long or went well from what i apprehend when she talks about her failed past relationships (seems to be a trend in her case even before she had child) - I know this question might seem out of pity but believe it is not i truly like her, but do you feel i should stay friends to her, even if i really like her romantically (i find it hard honestly, im trying for almost one year)? or im being just delusional and making things worse, since it will also hurt me more? Should i be blunt and cut it? She said to me last year that she had to setup her mind to see me as a friend only to not loose me. but at the same time she told me this year that she likes me even more, this is mind boggling,... She has been having some hard times last months health wise, she can only really count with her supportive mother, her sister and brother. Im sorry guys this seems more like a love letter or heartbreak letter than anything else related with autism parenting. At the same time i dont want to give a bad impression im in favor of divorce or separation or anything like that, specially considering there are couples that were able to overcome difficulties together long term. Im respectful of commitment. But i would like some perspective of you that somehow might understand better the more eventually "defensive" stance a parent with autistic kid might adopt when dealing with love issues or decisions that revolve around that. I also understand that there are many more reasons to it than i mentioned but i leave it here. I feel in a "apocalyptic" dichotomy between deciding to loose her or remaining her friend and most probably "loose" myself with that long term. Yes i know this almost sounds a bit pathological but believe me from all the relationships i had i never met anyone like her and her says the same. If you feel to comment something or advice something please i appreciate. Sorry for the huge manual i wrote, i hope it resonates a bit with someone somehow. Thank you

IMO, this has nothing to do with being a parent to an autistic child. She's stringing you along. For whatever reasons.. whether she's unsure about being alone, new man around her kid, feelings for you, wants her kid to be with biological dad... in the end, shes stringing you along. She's playing games with you. "I love you... no, let's be friends... I still love you... no, friends is better". You need to end this and move on because she's gonna keep doing this to you. I feel like she is probably playing both of you. And she's not treating your or dad fairly. If she wants to make it work with the biological dad, she needs to stop being emotionally involved with you and focus on that. You need to respect yourself enough to say, "I deserve someone who wants to be with me, wholly, with no games or bullshit. I'm worth that." And move on., Thank you for the reply., You're welcome. I'm sorry I couldn't give you a more positive reply., Ho no problem I did not expect a positive reply :-), i expect honesty and straightforwardness. You make good remarks. I might be slightly naive maybe. But i dont honestly feel she has malice in her or bad intentions. She pretty much opened her life for me and as far as i know was always frank, even if very bad with words, some rash decisions based on anxiety and paranoia. Last year her son suffered a major crysis, that made her gave up definitely her job of 10 years that she liked, have panic attacks. the kid did not wanted to eat,... Her mother cries seeing her that way, and helps her many times with staying with the kid when she has to do something for a couple of hours. Her kid suffers recurrent crysis of illness, cant urinate properly due to hypotonia or neurologic dificulties controling bladder, has just half thyroid, between other things,... I guess she saw in me a "light", someone she truly identified with, maybe someone "different" from her known world around, maybe because she is also a bit introverted, we spoke the same language, we clicked strongly. She also has big tendency for being emphatic or empathetic, meaning she develops guilty feelings easily. Probably i caused a big disrupture in her life (not by intention of course), emotionally, from my and her own words. I know her sister knows about us, i know her best friend knows about us and her mother knows about us. She lost her father 4 years ago. Her mother even jest a bit about us in a friendly manner. From what i understood from her words, her sister and best friend advised her, due to her having a disabled child, fear of future behavioral issues with him when becoming teenager or adult, to try reconciliation with kids father because it was the most sensible, less guilty, less risky and possible stable option (after all he is the father), no other man would probably accept it so well, or would understand it, taking the risk of causing another broken heart, loosing future support of kids father if things went wrong, even possibly causing resentment from family, distant or close ones. I know a similar case to this also. So after she told me she cried to her sister big time, she decided for reconciliation and forget any dream, hope or whatever, unless accept it and try it. The fact that she tuned her mind to see me as a friend only, well i guess it is what she is vehemently focusing on and reminds me from time to time, with some minor relapses in between like i mentioned (i guess friends dont write everyday no? specially male and female friends). Im not sure if she is playing both of us, i mean willingly in a malice manner, but she surely feels tottaly traped. I just sense the kids father is not keeping his promise of being present, fully aware of the situation, flying around, does not share the same ideas as her about raising the kid, so it remains a kind of friendship and compliance between them what i guess causes some uncertainty. She never lied or hidden from me the fact that kids father was visiting them these last months from time to time, but yes it is also true that after he was gone or in between she would talk with me. I also know that last year he found a message from me in her mobile phone and she had to explain him the situation. But maybe it is more my fault than hers, probably it should be me that should have the "balls" to say "no i cannot comply with this, i see you in a romantic manner and not only as a friend, i cannot settle for this", but unfortunately it was the first women in my life i truly had difficulties to "detach" from. Maybe i should go for therapy to work on my attachment problems :-) I might be naive a bit sometimes, but when i like i like and when i dont feel for it i dont play around. I truly felt very comfortable with her and her with me. I believe she feels the same entrapment to be very honest. Nowadays she tries to maintain a moderate speech. Sorry i should probably not be extending to much, im blabbing and revolving here :-) . But thank you again., IMO, this has nothing to do with being a parent to an autistic child. She's stringing you along. For whatever reasons.. whether she's unsure about being alone, new man around her kid, feelings for you, wants her kid to be with biological dad... in the end, shes stringing you along. She's playing games with you. "I love you... no, let's be friends... I still love you... no, friends is better". You need to end this and move on because she's gonna keep doing this to you. I feel like she is probably playing both of you. And she's not treating your or dad fairly. If she wants to make it work with the biological dad, she needs to stop being emotionally involved with you and focus on that. You need to respect yourself enough to say, "I deserve someone who wants to be with me, wholly, with no games or bullshit. I'm worth that." And move on., Thank you for the reply., You're welcome. I'm sorry I couldn't give you a more positive reply., Ho no problem I did not expect a positive reply :-), i expect honesty and straightforwardness. You make good remarks. I might be slightly naive maybe. But i dont honestly feel she has malice in her or bad intentions. She pretty much opened her life for me and as far as i know was always frank, even if very bad with words, some rash decisions based on anxiety and paranoia. Last year her son suffered a major crysis, that made her gave up definitely her job of 10 years that she liked, have panic attacks. the kid did not wanted to eat,... Her mother cries seeing her that way, and helps her many times with staying with the kid when she has to do something for a couple of hours. Her kid suffers recurrent crysis of illness, cant urinate properly due to hypotonia or neurologic dificulties controling bladder, has just half thyroid, between other things,... I guess she saw in me a "light", someone she truly identified with, maybe someone "different" from her known world around, maybe because she is also a bit introverted, we spoke the same language, we clicked strongly. She also has big tendency for being emphatic or empathetic, meaning she develops guilty feelings easily. Probably i caused a big disrupture in her life (not by intention of course), emotionally, from my and her own words. I know her sister knows about us, i know her best friend knows about us and her mother knows about us. She lost her father 4 years ago. Her mother even jest a bit about us in a friendly manner. From what i understood from her words, her sister and best friend advised her, due to her having a disabled child, fear of future behavioral issues with him when becoming teenager or adult, to try reconciliation with kids father because it was the most sensible, less guilty, less risky and possible stable option (after all he is the father), no other man would probably accept it so well, or would understand it, taking the risk of causing another broken heart, loosing future support of kids father if things went wrong, even possibly causing resentment from family, distant or close ones. I know a similar case to this also. So after she told me she cried to her sister big time, she decided for reconciliation and forget any dream, hope or whatever, unless accept it and try it. The fact that she tuned her mind to see me as a friend only, well i guess it is what she is vehemently focusing on and reminds me from time to time, with some minor relapses in between like i mentioned (i guess friends dont write everyday no? specially male and female friends). Im not sure if she is playing both of us, i mean willingly in a malice manner, but she surely feels tottaly traped. I just sense the kids father is not keeping his promise of being present, fully aware of the situation, flying around, does not share the same ideas as her about raising the kid, so it remains a kind of friendship and compliance between them what i guess causes some uncertainty. She never lied or hidden from me the fact that kids father was visiting them these last months from time to time, but yes it is also true that after he was gone or in between she would talk with me. I also know that last year he found a message from me in her mobile phone and she had to explain him the situation. But maybe it is more my fault than hers, probably it should be me that should have the "balls" to say "no i cannot comply with this, i see you in a romantic manner and not only as a friend, i cannot settle for this", but unfortunately it was the first women in my life i truly had difficulties to "detach" from. Maybe i should go for therapy to work on my attachment problems :-) I might be naive a bit sometimes, but when i like i like and when i dont feel for it i dont play around. I truly felt very comfortable with her and her with me. I believe she feels the same entrapment to be very honest. Nowadays she tries to maintain a moderate speech. Sorry i should probably not be extending to much, im blabbing and revolving here :-) . But thank you again., IMO, this has nothing to do with being a parent to an autistic child. She's stringing you along. For whatever reasons.. whether she's unsure about being alone, new man around her kid, feelings for you, wants her kid to be with biological dad... in the end, shes stringing you along. She's playing games with you. "I love you... no, let's be friends... I still love you... no, friends is better". You need to end this and move on because she's gonna keep doing this to you. I feel like she is probably playing both of you. And she's not treating your or dad fairly. If she wants to make it work with the biological dad, she needs to stop being emotionally involved with you and focus on that. You need to respect yourself enough to say, "I deserve someone who wants to be with me, wholly, with no games or bullshit. I'm worth that." And move on., Thank you for the reply., You're welcome. I'm sorry I couldn't give you a more positive reply., Ho no problem I did not expect a positive reply :-), i expect honesty and straightforwardness. You make good remarks. I might be slightly naive maybe. But i dont honestly feel she has malice in her or bad intentions. She pretty much opened her life for me and as far as i know was always frank, even if very bad with words, some rash decisions based on anxiety and paranoia. Last year her son suffered a major crysis, that made her gave up definitely her job of 10 years that she liked, have panic attacks. the kid did not wanted to eat,... Her mother cries seeing her that way, and helps her many times with staying with the kid when she has to do something for a couple of hours. Her kid suffers recurrent crysis of illness, cant urinate properly due to hypotonia or neurologic dificulties controling bladder, has just half thyroid, between other things,... I guess she saw in me a "light", someone she truly identified with, maybe someone "different" from her known world around, maybe because she is also a bit introverted, we spoke the same language, we clicked strongly. She also has big tendency for being emphatic or empathetic, meaning she develops guilty feelings easily. Probably i caused a big disrupture in her life (not by intention of course), emotionally, from my and her own words. I know her sister knows about us, i know her best friend knows about us and her mother knows about us. She lost her father 4 years ago. Her mother even jest a bit about us in a friendly manner. From what i understood from her words, her sister and best friend advised her, due to her having a disabled child, fear of future behavioral issues with him when becoming teenager or adult, to try reconciliation with kids father because it was the most sensible, less guilty, less risky and possible stable option (after all he is the father), no other man would probably accept it so well, or would understand it, taking the risk of causing another broken heart, loosing future support of kids father if things went wrong, even possibly causing resentment from family, distant or close ones. I know a similar case to this also. So after she told me she cried to her sister big time, she decided for reconciliation and forget any dream, hope or whatever, unless accept it and try it. The fact that she tuned her mind to see me as a friend only, well i guess it is what she is vehemently focusing on and reminds me from time to time, with some minor relapses in between like i mentioned (i guess friends dont write everyday no? specially male and female friends). Im not sure if she is playing both of us, i mean willingly in a malice manner, but she surely feels tottaly traped. I just sense the kids father is not keeping his promise of being present, fully aware of the situation, flying around, does not share the same ideas as her about raising the kid, so it remains a kind of friendship and compliance between them what i guess causes some uncertainty. She never lied or hidden from me the fact that kids father was visiting them these last months from time to time, but yes it is also true that after he was gone or in between she would talk with me. I also know that last year he found a message from me in her mobile phone and she had to explain him the situation. But maybe it is more my fault than hers, probably it should be me that should have the "balls" to say "no i cannot comply with this, i see you in a romantic manner and not only as a friend, i cannot settle for this", but unfortunately it was the first women in my life i truly had difficulties to "detach" from. Maybe i should go for therapy to work on my attachment problems :-) I might be naive a bit sometimes, but when i like i like and when i dont feel for it i dont play around. I truly felt very comfortable with her and her with me. I believe she feels the same entrapment to be very honest. Nowadays she tries to maintain a moderate speech. Sorry i should probably not be extending to much, im blabbing and revolving here :-) . But thank you again., IMO, this has nothing to do with being a parent to an autistic child. She's stringing you along. For whatever reasons.. whether she's unsure about being alone, new man around her kid, feelings for you, wants her kid to be with biological dad... in the end, shes stringing you along. She's playing games with you. "I love you... no, let's be friends... I still love you... no, friends is better". You need to end this and move on because she's gonna keep doing this to you. I feel like she is probably playing both of you. And she's not treating your or dad fairly. If she wants to make it work with the biological dad, she needs to stop being emotionally involved with you and focus on that. You need to respect yourself enough to say, "I deserve someone who wants to be with me, wholly, with no games or bullshit. I'm worth that." And move on., Thank you for the reply., You're welcome. I'm sorry I couldn't give you a more positive reply., Ho no problem I did not expect a positive reply :-), i expect honesty and straightforwardness. You make good remarks. I might be slightly naive maybe. But i dont honestly feel she has malice in her or bad intentions. She pretty much opened her life for me and as far as i know was always frank, even if very bad with words, some rash decisions based on anxiety and paranoia. Last year her son suffered a major crysis, that made her gave up definitely her job of 10 years that she liked, have panic attacks. the kid did not wanted to eat,... Her mother cries seeing her that way, and helps her many times with staying with the kid when she has to do something for a couple of hours. Her kid suffers recurrent crysis of illness, cant urinate properly due to hypotonia or neurologic dificulties controling bladder, has just half thyroid, between other things,... I guess she saw in me a "light", someone she truly identified with, maybe someone "different" from her known world around, maybe because she is also a bit introverted, we spoke the same language, we clicked strongly. She also has big tendency for being emphatic or empathetic, meaning she develops guilty feelings easily. Probably i caused a big disrupture in her life (not by intention of course), emotionally, from my and her own words. I know her sister knows about us, i know her best friend knows about us and her mother knows about us. She lost her father 4 years ago. Her mother even jest a bit about us in a friendly manner. From what i understood from her words, her sister and best friend advised her, due to her having a disabled child, fear of future behavioral issues with him when becoming teenager or adult, to try reconciliation with kids father because it was the most sensible, less guilty, less risky and possible stable option (after all he is the father), no other man would probably accept it so well, or would understand it, taking the risk of causing another broken heart, loosing future support of kids father if things went wrong, even possibly causing resentment from family, distant or close ones. I know a similar case to this also. So after she told me she cried to her sister big time, she decided for reconciliation and forget any dream, hope or whatever, unless accept it and try it. The fact that she tuned her mind to see me as a friend only, well i guess it is what she is vehemently focusing on and reminds me from time to time, with some minor relapses in between like i mentioned (i guess friends dont write everyday no? specially male and female friends). Im not sure if she is playing both of us, i mean willingly in a malice manner, but she surely feels tottaly traped. I just sense the kids father is not keeping his promise of being present, fully aware of the situation, flying around, does not share the same ideas as her about raising the kid, so it remains a kind of friendship and compliance between them what i guess causes some uncertainty. She never lied or hidden from me the fact that kids father was visiting them these last months from time to time, but yes it is also true that after he was gone or in between she would talk with me. I also know that last year he found a message from me in her mobile phone and she had to explain him the situation. But maybe it is more my fault than hers, probably it should be me that should have the "balls" to say "no i cannot comply with this, i see you in a romantic manner and not only as a friend, i cannot settle for this", but unfortunately it was the first women in my life i truly had difficulties to "detach" from. Maybe i should go for therapy to work on my attachment problems :-) I might be naive a bit sometimes, but when i like i like and when i dont feel for it i dont play around. I truly felt very comfortable with her and her with me. I believe she feels the same entrapment to be very honest. Nowadays she tries to maintain a moderate speech. Sorry i should probably not be extending to much, im blabbing and revolving here :-) . But thank you again., IMO, this has nothing to do with being a parent to an autistic child. She's stringing you along. For whatever reasons.. whether she's unsure about being alone, new man around her kid, feelings for you, wants her kid to be with biological dad... in the end, shes stringing you along. She's playing games with you. "I love you... no, let's be friends... I still love you... no, friends is better". You need to end this and move on because she's gonna keep doing this to you. I feel like she is probably playing both of you. And she's not treating your or dad fairly. If she wants to make it work with the biological dad, she needs to stop being emotionally involved with you and focus on that. You need to respect yourself enough to say, "I deserve someone who wants to be with me, wholly, with no games or bullshit. I'm worth that." And move on., Thank you for the reply., You're welcome. I'm sorry I couldn't give you a more positive reply., Ho no problem I did not expect a positive reply :-), i expect honesty and straightforwardness. You make good remarks. I might be slightly naive maybe. But i dont honestly feel she has malice in her or bad intentions. She pretty much opened her life for me and as far as i know was always frank, even if very bad with words, some rash decisions based on anxiety and paranoia. Last year her son suffered a major crysis, that made her gave up definitely her job of 10 years that she liked, have panic attacks. the kid did not wanted to eat,... Her mother cries seeing her that way, and helps her many times with staying with the kid when she has to do something for a couple of hours. Her kid suffers recurrent crysis of illness, cant urinate properly due to hypotonia or neurologic dificulties controling bladder, has just half thyroid, between other things,... I guess she saw in me a "light", someone she truly identified with, maybe someone "different" from her known world around, maybe because she is also a bit introverted, we spoke the same language, we clicked strongly. She also has big tendency for being emphatic or empathetic, meaning she develops guilty feelings easily. Probably i caused a big disrupture in her life (not by intention of course), emotionally, from my and her own words. I know her sister knows about us, i know her best friend knows about us and her mother knows about us. She lost her father 4 years ago. Her mother even jest a bit about us in a friendly manner. From what i understood from her words, her sister and best friend advised her, due to her having a disabled child, fear of future behavioral issues with him when becoming teenager or adult, to try reconciliation with kids father because it was the most sensible, less guilty, less risky and possible stable option (after all he is the father), no other man would probably accept it so well, or would understand it, taking the risk of causing another broken heart, loosing future support of kids father if things went wrong, even possibly causing resentment from family, distant or close ones. I know a similar case to this also. So after she told me she cried to her sister big time, she decided for reconciliation and forget any dream, hope or whatever, unless accept it and try it. The fact that she tuned her mind to see me as a friend only, well i guess it is what she is vehemently focusing on and reminds me from time to time, with some minor relapses in between like i mentioned (i guess friends dont write everyday no? specially male and female friends). Im not sure if she is playing both of us, i mean willingly in a malice manner, but she surely feels tottaly traped. I just sense the kids father is not keeping his promise of being present, fully aware of the situation, flying around, does not share the same ideas as her about raising the kid, so it remains a kind of friendship and compliance between them what i guess causes some uncertainty. She never lied or hidden from me the fact that kids father was visiting them these last months from time to time, but yes it is also true that after he was gone or in between she would talk with me. I also know that last year he found a message from me in her mobile phone and she had to explain him the situation. But maybe it is more my fault than hers, probably it should be me that should have the "balls" to say "no i cannot comply with this, i see you in a romantic manner and not only as a friend, i cannot settle for this", but unfortunately it was the first women in my life i truly had difficulties to "detach" from. Maybe i should go for therapy to work on my attachment problems :-) I might be naive a bit sometimes, but when i like i like and when i dont feel for it i dont play around. I truly felt very comfortable with her and her with me. I believe she feels the same entrapment to be very honest. Nowadays she tries to maintain a moderate speech. Sorry i should probably not be extending to much, im blabbing and revolving here :-) . But thank you again., IMO, this has nothing to do with being a parent to an autistic child. She's stringing you along. For whatever reasons.. whether she's unsure about being alone, new man around her kid, feelings for you, wants her kid to be with biological dad... in the end, shes stringing you along. She's playing games with you. "I love you... no, let's be friends... I still love you... no, friends is better". You need to end this and move on because she's gonna keep doing this to you. I feel like she is probably playing both of you. And she's not treating your or dad fairly. If she wants to make it work with the biological dad, she needs to stop being emotionally involved with you and focus on that. You need to respect yourself enough to say, "I deserve someone who wants to be with me, wholly, with no games or bullshit. I'm worth that." And move on., Thank you for the reply., You're welcome. I'm sorry I couldn't give you a more positive reply., Ho no problem I did not expect a positive reply :-), i expect honesty and straightforwardness. You make good remarks. I might be slightly naive maybe. But i dont honestly feel she has malice in her or bad intentions. She pretty much opened her life for me and as far as i know was always frank, even if very bad with words, some rash decisions based on anxiety and paranoia. Last year her son suffered a major crysis, that made her gave up definitely her job of 10 years that she liked, have panic attacks. the kid did not wanted to eat,... Her mother cries seeing her that way, and helps her many times with staying with the kid when she has to do something for a couple of hours. Her kid suffers recurrent crysis of illness, cant urinate properly due to hypotonia or neurologic dificulties controling bladder, has just half thyroid, between other things,... I guess she saw in me a "light", someone she truly identified with, maybe someone "different" from her known world around, maybe because she is also a bit introverted, we spoke the same language, we clicked strongly. She also has big tendency for being emphatic or empathetic, meaning she develops guilty feelings easily. Probably i caused a big disrupture in her life (not by intention of course), emotionally, from my and her own words. I know her sister knows about us, i know her best friend knows about us and her mother knows about us. She lost her father 4 years ago. Her mother even jest a bit about us in a friendly manner. From what i understood from her words, her sister and best friend advised her, due to her having a disabled child, fear of future behavioral issues with him when becoming teenager or adult, to try reconciliation with kids father because it was the most sensible, less guilty, less risky and possible stable option (after all he is the father), no other man would probably accept it so well, or would understand it, taking the risk of causing another broken heart, loosing future support of kids father if things went wrong, even possibly causing resentment from family, distant or close ones. I know a similar case to this also. So after she told me she cried to her sister big time, she decided for reconciliation and forget any dream, hope or whatever, unless accept it and try it. The fact that she tuned her mind to see me as a friend only, well i guess it is what she is vehemently focusing on and reminds me from time to time, with some minor relapses in between like i mentioned (i guess friends dont write everyday no? specially male and female friends). Im not sure if she is playing both of us, i mean willingly in a malice manner, but she surely feels tottaly traped. I just sense the kids father is not keeping his promise of being present, fully aware of the situation, flying around, does not share the same ideas as her about raising the kid, so it remains a kind of friendship and compliance between them what i guess causes some uncertainty. She never lied or hidden from me the fact that kids father was visiting them these last months from time to time, but yes it is also true that after he was gone or in between she would talk with me. I also know that last year he found a message from me in her mobile phone and she had to explain him the situation. But maybe it is more my fault than hers, probably it should be me that should have the "balls" to say "no i cannot comply with this, i see you in a romantic manner and not only as a friend, i cannot settle for this", but unfortunately it was the first women in my life i truly had difficulties to "detach" from. Maybe i should go for therapy to work on my attachment problems :-) I might be naive a bit sometimes, but when i like i like and when i dont feel for it i dont play around. I truly felt very comfortable with her and her with me. I believe she feels the same entrapment to be very honest. Nowadays she tries to maintain a moderate speech. Sorry i should probably not be extending to much, im blabbing and revolving here :-) . But thank you again., IMO, this has nothing to do with being a parent to an autistic child. She's stringing you along. For whatever reasons.. whether she's unsure about being alone, new man around her kid, feelings for you, wants her kid to be with biological dad... in the end, shes stringing you along. She's playing games with you. "I love you... no, let's be friends... I still love you... no, friends is better". You need to end this and move on because she's gonna keep doing this to you. I feel like she is probably playing both of you. And she's not treating your or dad fairly. If she wants to make it work with the biological dad, she needs to stop being emotionally involved with you and focus on that. You need to respect yourself enough to say, "I deserve someone who wants to be with me, wholly, with no games or bullshit. I'm worth that." And move on., Thank you for the reply., You're welcome. I'm sorry I couldn't give you a more positive reply., Ho no problem I did not expect a positive reply :-), i expect honesty and straightforwardness. You make good remarks. I might be slightly naive maybe. But i dont honestly feel she has malice in her or bad intentions. She pretty much opened her life for me and as far as i know was always frank, even if very bad with words, some rash decisions based on anxiety and paranoia. Last year her son suffered a major crysis, that made her gave up definitely her job of 10 years that she liked, have panic attacks. the kid did not wanted to eat,... Her mother cries seeing her that way, and helps her many times with staying with the kid when she has to do something for a couple of hours. Her kid suffers recurrent crysis of illness, cant urinate properly due to hypotonia or neurologic dificulties controling bladder, has just half thyroid, between other things,... I guess she saw in me a "light", someone she truly identified with, maybe someone "different" from her known world around, maybe because she is also a bit introverted, we spoke the same language, we clicked strongly. She also has big tendency for being emphatic or empathetic, meaning she develops guilty feelings easily. Probably i caused a big disrupture in her life (not by intention of course), emotionally, from my and her own words. I know her sister knows about us, i know her best friend knows about us and her mother knows about us. She lost her father 4 years ago. Her mother even jest a bit about us in a friendly manner. From what i understood from her words, her sister and best friend advised her, due to her having a disabled child, fear of future behavioral issues with him when becoming teenager or adult, to try reconciliation with kids father because it was the most sensible, less guilty, less risky and possible stable option (after all he is the father), no other man would probably accept it so well, or would understand it, taking the risk of causing another broken heart, loosing future support of kids father if things went wrong, even possibly causing resentment from family, distant or close ones. I know a similar case to this also. So after she told me she cried to her sister big time, she decided for reconciliation and forget any dream, hope or whatever, unless accept it and try it. The fact that she tuned her mind to see me as a friend only, well i guess it is what she is vehemently focusing on and reminds me from time to time, with some minor relapses in between like i mentioned (i guess friends dont write everyday no? specially male and female friends). Im not sure if she is playing both of us, i mean willingly in a malice manner, but she surely feels tottaly traped. I just sense the kids father is not keeping his promise of being present, fully aware of the situation, flying around, does not share the same ideas as her about raising the kid, so it remains a kind of friendship and compliance between them what i guess causes some uncertainty. She never lied or hidden from me the fact that kids father was visiting them these last months from time to time, but yes it is also true that after he was gone or in between she would talk with me. I also know that last year he found a message from me in her mobile phone and she had to explain him the situation. But maybe it is more my fault than hers, probably it should be me that should have the "balls" to say "no i cannot comply with this, i see you in a romantic manner and not only as a friend, i cannot settle for this", but unfortunately it was the first women in my life i truly had difficulties to "detach" from. Maybe i should go for therapy to work on my attachment problems :-) I might be naive a bit sometimes, but when i like i like and when i dont feel for it i dont play around. I truly felt very comfortable with her and her with me. I believe she feels the same entrapment to be very honest. Nowadays she tries to maintain a moderate speech. Sorry i should probably not be extending to much, im blabbing and revolving here :-) . But thank you again., IMO, this has nothing to do with being a parent to an autistic child. She's stringing you along. For whatever reasons.. whether she's unsure about being alone, new man around her kid, feelings for you, wants her kid to be with biological dad... in the end, shes stringing you along. She's playing games with you. "I love you... no, let's be friends... I still love you... no, friends is better". You need to end this and move on because she's gonna keep doing this to you. I feel like she is probably playing both of you. And she's not treating your or dad fairly. If she wants to make it work with the biological dad, she needs to stop being emotionally involved with you and focus on that. You need to respect yourself enough to say, "I deserve someone who wants to be with me, wholly, with no games or bullshit. I'm worth that." And move on., Thank you for the reply., You're welcome. I'm sorry I couldn't give you a more positive reply., Ho no problem I did not expect a positive reply :-), i expect honesty and straightforwardness. You make good remarks. I might be slightly naive maybe. But i dont honestly feel she has malice in her or bad intentions. She pretty much opened her life for me and as far as i know was always frank, even if very bad with words, some rash decisions based on anxiety and paranoia. Last year her son suffered a major crysis, that made her gave up definitely her job of 10 years that she liked, have panic attacks. the kid did not wanted to eat,... Her mother cries seeing her that way, and helps her many times with staying with the kid when she has to do something for a couple of hours. Her kid suffers recurrent crysis of illness, cant urinate properly due to hypotonia or neurologic dificulties controling bladder, has just half thyroid, between other things,... I guess she saw in me a "light", someone she truly identified with, maybe someone "different" from her known world around, maybe because she is also a bit introverted, we spoke the same language, we clicked strongly. She also has big tendency for being emphatic or empathetic, meaning she develops guilty feelings easily. Probably i caused a big disrupture in her life (not by intention of course), emotionally, from my and her own words. I know her sister knows about us, i know her best friend knows about us and her mother knows about us. She lost her father 4 years ago. Her mother even jest a bit about us in a friendly manner. From what i understood from her words, her sister and best friend advised her, due to her having a disabled child, fear of future behavioral issues with him when becoming teenager or adult, to try reconciliation with kids father because it was the most sensible, less guilty, less risky and possible stable option (after all he is the father), no other man would probably accept it so well, or would understand it, taking the risk of causing another broken heart, loosing future support of kids father if things went wrong, even possibly causing resentment from family, distant or close ones. I know a similar case to this also. So after she told me she cried to her sister big time, she decided for reconciliation and forget any dream, hope or whatever, unless accept it and try it. The fact that she tuned her mind to see me as a friend only, well i guess it is what she is vehemently focusing on and reminds me from time to time, with some minor relapses in between like i mentioned (i guess friends dont write everyday no? specially male and female friends). Im not sure if she is playing both of us, i mean willingly in a malice manner, but she surely feels tottaly traped. I just sense the kids father is not keeping his promise of being present, fully aware of the situation, flying around, does not share the same ideas as her about raising the kid, so it remains a kind of friendship and compliance between them what i guess causes some uncertainty. She never lied or hidden from me the fact that kids father was visiting them these last months from time to time, but yes it is also true that after he was gone or in between she would talk with me. I also know that last year he found a message from me in her mobile phone and she had to explain him the situation. But maybe it is more my fault than hers, probably it should be me that should have the "balls" to say "no i cannot comply with this, i see you in a romantic manner and not only as a friend, i cannot settle for this", but unfortunately it was the first women in my life i truly had difficulties to "detach" from. Maybe i should go for therapy to work on my attachment problems :-) I might be naive a bit sometimes, but when i like i like and when i dont feel for it i dont play around. I truly felt very comfortable with her and her with me. I believe she feels the same entrapment to be very honest. Nowadays she tries to maintain a moderate speech. Sorry i should probably not be extending to much, im blabbing and revolving here :-) . But thank you again., IMO, this has nothing to do with being a parent to an autistic child. She's stringing you along. For whatever reasons.. whether she's unsure about being alone, new man around her kid, feelings for you, wants her kid to be with biological dad... in the end, shes stringing you along. She's playing games with you. "I love you... no, let's be friends... I still love you... no, friends is better". You need to end this and move on because she's gonna keep doing this to you. I feel like she is probably playing both of you. And she's not treating your or dad fairly. If she wants to make it work with the biological dad, she needs to stop being emotionally involved with you and focus on that. You need to respect yourself enough to say, "I deserve someone who wants to be with me, wholly, with no games or bullshit. I'm worth that." And move on., Thank you for the reply., You're welcome. I'm sorry I couldn't give you a more positive reply., Ho no problem I did not expect a positive reply :-), i expect honesty and straightforwardness. You make good remarks. I might be slightly naive maybe. But i dont honestly feel she has malice in her or bad intentions. She pretty much opened her life for me and as far as i know was always frank, even if very bad with words, some rash decisions based on anxiety and paranoia. Last year her son suffered a major crysis, that made her gave up definitely her job of 10 years that she liked, have panic attacks. the kid did not wanted to eat,... Her mother cries seeing her that way, and helps her many times with staying with the kid when she has to do something for a couple of hours. Her kid suffers recurrent crysis of illness, cant urinate properly due to hypotonia or neurologic dificulties controling bladder, has just half thyroid, between other things,... I guess she saw in me a "light", someone she truly identified with, maybe someone "different" from her known world around, maybe because she is also a bit introverted, we spoke the same language, we clicked strongly. She also has big tendency for being emphatic or empathetic, meaning she develops guilty feelings easily. Probably i caused a big disrupture in her life (not by intention of course), emotionally, from my and her own words. I know her sister knows about us, i know her best friend knows about us and her mother knows about us. She lost her father 4 years ago. Her mother even jest a bit about us in a friendly manner. From what i understood from her words, her sister and best friend advised her, due to her having a disabled child, fear of future behavioral issues with him when becoming teenager or adult, to try reconciliation with kids father because it was the most sensible, less guilty, less risky and possible stable option (after all he is the father), no other man would probably accept it so well, or would understand it, taking the risk of causing another broken heart, loosing future support of kids father if things went wrong, even possibly causing resentment from family, distant or close ones. I know a similar case to this also. So after she told me she cried to her sister big time, she decided for reconciliation and forget any dream, hope or whatever, unless accept it and try it. The fact that she tuned her mind to see me as a friend only, well i guess it is what she is vehemently focusing on and reminds me from time to time, with some minor relapses in between like i mentioned (i guess friends dont write everyday no? specially male and female friends). Im not sure if she is playing both of us, i mean willingly in a malice manner, but she surely feels tottaly traped. I just sense the kids father is not keeping his promise of being present, fully aware of the situation, flying around, does not share the same ideas as her about raising the kid, so it remains a kind of friendship and compliance between them what i guess causes some uncertainty. She never lied or hidden from me the fact that kids father was visiting them these last months from time to time, but yes it is also true that after he was gone or in between she would talk with me. I also know that last year he found a message from me in her mobile phone and she had to explain him the situation. But maybe it is more my fault than hers, probably it should be me that should have the "balls" to say "no i cannot comply with this, i see you in a romantic manner and not only as a friend, i cannot settle for this", but unfortunately it was the first women in my life i truly had difficulties to "detach" from. Maybe i should go for therapy to work on my attachment problems :-) I might be naive a bit sometimes, but when i like i like and when i dont feel for it i dont play around. I truly felt very comfortable with her and her with me. I believe she feels the same entrapment to be very honest. Nowadays she tries to maintain a moderate speech. Sorry i should probably not be extending to much, im blabbing and revolving here :-) . But thank you again.

Relationship with step-son...

My fiancée and I have been together for 3+ years, her son (11) almost certainly will have an ASD diagnosis but the process is sloooow due to bio dad being ... Unhelpful. He is verbal and in mainstream education able to participate in a "standard" primary school day with only minor alterations and support. I have both professional training (ex secondary school teacher) and personal research / learning in how to work with and help various neuro diversities. I do my absolute best to mould the world around him to suit his needs and requirements ... Sadly as we know the "allistic" world often doesn't care about these are we have to intervene in the name of safety and "good parenting". In the case of this post I will use examples of; insisting on footwear when out and about, not allowing him to run off in a carpark, asking him to e.g. put his beaker in the kitchen sink. Stepson responds to virtually any and all requests from me by either air brushing me from his universe, lying down and refusing to respond to me, stripping and then telling me it is inappropriate for me to be in the same room as him because he is naked, and so on. The extent of this reaction to is such that he either is in melt down or he and I exist in parallel universes where he simply doesn't acknowledge my existence (it's not that he ignores me it that I simply am not there as far as he is concerned). Mum and I talk regularly about the situation and what we can do, however she is exhausted as he hyper fixates on her and gives her very little time to recharge. I can't receive this drain as ... Well it causes more stress on them both. He will report back to his bio dad (abusive ex of my fiancee), modified versions of events as viewed through his lens, and bio dad who already takes anything about me and twists it to use as ammunition, takes it as fact even when it is absolutely preposterous. A recent example was asking step son to put his socks (instantly taken off when coming home) into the wash basket. Cue stripping and hiding in mine and his mother's bed "you can come in here I'm naked"... "He tried to come into the bedroom when I was naked" ... Etc. I'm exhausted by this and it is causing our relationship a huge amount of stress. I honestly running out of tether and can't see any way to work with him. He's no interest in building bridges and actively burns any I try to build. We already live apart 50%+ of the time due to our work and bio kids (mine are 13/16 all three of us are ADHD) and with this behaviour towards me I doubt the 5 of us will ever live together... I don't know what to expect from typing this and in all honesty it's made me feel very negative about that whole thing just putting it down in words. TLDR: Stepson objects to my existence, ASD making already difficult stepparent relationship virtually impossible.

This might be a forever issue so you have to ask yourself if that's the life you want. Do you want to be married to someone but can't live with them? Do you want to have an antagonistic relationship with the son for the rest of your time together? That's your reality and it doesn't sound like something most people would sign up for. Dating sounds possible, but a marriage is combining households., .. with all due respect, the vast majority of us here didn't have a choice about having autistic kids. Why on earth would you sign up for this? This kid will only get harder as he gets older. He isn't going to magically respect and listen to you just because you marry his mom. And since there's a non zero chance that he will be unable to sustain long term employment, like many autistic folks do, flying the nest at 18 may not be in his cards., This x1000. There are so many harsh realities that we face. Having a forever dependent is no picnic and not something I would ever commit to if given a choice. And for lots of men, it's worth noting they often become the primary caregiver as the child gets bigger.

Relinquish Parental Rights?

I've tried posting this a number of times, but keep getting an error. Im posting part of this, then I'll either ETA the rest, or pin a comment with the rest: I made a throw away account for reasons and I'm going to discuss a very sensitive topic. If you don't have the bandwidth to handle it, please scroll away and take of you. If you're just going to yell and come after me, admonish me, etc. I can promise you it won't come close to what I've done myself and will likely push me closer to self harm. I need help, not punishment. I finally snapped on my tween child. I slapped his arm, not hard enough to leave even an immediate mark, but hard enough to sting and yelled and swore at him. He is verbal, "high functioning" (don't have a better term), AuDHD, anxiety, SPD, diagnosed ODD and then DMDD but I believe PDA fits better. I'm disabled by severe chronic fatigue which keeps me from working (but because I care for a disabled child I can work per the SSA), C-PTSD and a widow of seven years, and i believe myself to be undiagnosed AuDHD too. Definitely ADHD. It's also important to note I lost my brother to cancer in June and my best friend to cancer in August. We are also in the process of bringing assualt charges against a bully, which has been a significant problem for the past three years. Truly, since my husband died, it's been one crisis after the next. It doesn't excuse anything, I just think it's important to understand.

Beautiful soul, you’re in trauma mode. You need compassion overload, love, support and rest. Deep rest. I believe you will deeply regret any permanent choices you make in this space. If you can please try find a neuropsychologist specialising in relational safety in your local area. You need it for yourself as well as your child. On a personal level I found that medicating my adhd as an adult had a significant positive effect on my capacity to meet my children’s emotional needs and demands. It has been a total game changer and I truly believe it’s an oft overlooked opportunity to support ND families. You do need respite. Is there a family member or friend who could come and stay with you for a month with a view to mostly allowing you just to rest? Some rest, some healing and somatic work and finding some positive grounding and self regulatory resources for yourself are going to make a monumental difference. One step at a time. One breath at a time., have you looked into residential or group homes? this is probably the best answer i don't think you need to relinquish parental rights in order to pursue this, and if you're pursuing an assault charge i have no clue if relinquishing your rights will disrupt this. i do know that it can affect whether or not you will have rights over your other children, and unless you want absolutely nothing to do with your child and don't care what happens to him, i personally would not recommend giving up your rights but rather looking into moving him to an alternative house the sad reality is that if you give up your parental rights, if they cannot find any contactable family members that are deemed suitable to home a child, your son will be put in foster care. if you are in america i am sure you are well aware that foster care does not have a very good reputation, and many children who were in foster care often report that their foster families were more abusive than the families they were originally removed one. group homes have similar reputations, but with group homes there is staff there trained to deal with disabilities likely similar to your son's while foster homes don't have that. even then, it might not be likely that they'll let you give up your rights unless another family member is willing to adopt your child. a lot of states are pretty strict when it comes to parents giving up their rights and you will likely have a hard time even convincing the court that it's the right thing to do, Hello. I am a teacher. I have encountered far worse parents than you. Parents who truly don’t give a shit. You care… you are not the worst parent. My first question is, what does the child want? Not just their snap answer but take time to figure out what they want and need. I didn’t see that in your post but maybe missed it. Then, it is your job to advocate for your child’s needs. Call CPS on yourself if you have to., Hey, I can imagine how exhausted you must be. I have walked in similar shoes and I don’t have easy answers—you’re clearly tuned into what’s available but you can message me if you’d like to talk about what worked kinda sorta for us., In the scheme of things I don't think a slap on the arm of a teenager is the worst thing as long as you talk about it and apologise afterwards and make plans to step away if you feel it happening again. It sounds like you are both overloaded and desperately need a reset, which may not be possible in your situation (but if you have any family support at all I'd be calling them and asking them to give you a break! And next time your bub is in hospital ask to speak to the family liaison officer. They're really good and can help you get some support as well. You're going through a lot. Unfortunately though you're not the only one. The liaison officer can help you find you're support networks as well as any additional assistance. You have chronic fatigue? It might be nice, one less thing to worry about, to see if you can get home assistance such as cleaning etc. The liaison officer will help you connect with the services you're entitled to and suprise you with services you didn't know you could get. (I mention house cleaning because I didn't know it could be covered by our plan.), I hit my autistic teenager (low support needs gifted with OCD and ODD tendencies) once in my life about a year ago. I have been in therapy for over 25 years. Two things that really helped me were getting sober (I only had 2-3 shots of vodka a day but it made a difference in terms of my baseline capacity to deal with what ever kid threw at me psychologically) and DBT. I know now if I’m even the least bit upset to leave immediately. If your kid doesn’t eat for hours until you get back that’s on them. My kid sounds a lot like yours and this may be a controversial statement but we’ve been through so many therapists (who either moved or dumped my kid for resisting/not being open to change) and they didn’t really help. Kiddo is in Robotics now which is huge since it’s decompression time plus an outlet with other neurofivergent kids (she is on a mainstream team but her school has a team for sped kids and even one for life skills kids). As bad as this sounds time teen spends in an activity they like is time not spent at home and I find I have a lot more patience if I know our interactions are for 3 hours a day versus 5., Words like this might be meaningless, but I am so sorry that you have been going so much turmoil. That is so much to put on one person. My oldest is about to be 5, so I am no dealing with half of what you're going through. I do know that I had a period that I could not deal with my kids anymore and yelled to the point of making my oldest cry. I was diagnosed with ADHD and got medicated. This is not a cure all that a lot of people claim, but for me, it made my tolerance threshold increase. My emotional regulation was and is under better control. My executive function is also so much better. You are under an immense amount of stress. Is it ever right to hit a child, of course not, but I do believe this might be a wake up call that something needs to change. It sounds like his team/therapies need updated in terms of short term and long term goals. If he is a tween and has the ability to be making food for himself safely, then he needs to start doing that. My first thought when you typed that he asked "What's for breakfast?" was "I don't know bud, what do you feel like making?". I'm incredibly privileged because I have more help than most and my parents as well as my in laws are frequently involved and help out when the need arises. I don't have any helpful advice about the lying. We have been working on my oldest being physical with his little brother and every once in a while, me. I often will tell him, "We don't hit people. I won't let you hit me." and I leave the immediate area. More often than not, this will make him upset and he'll come to find me and we hug it out. I'll ask him if he hits his friends and he'll tell me no. I then follow up with, "Then it's not okay to hit Mama. I still love you, but we don't do that." This may be naive of me, but tweens are beginning to hit puberty, so its dealing with big feelings all over again and need to be reminded of appropriate boundaries. I'm sorry you're dealing with so much alone., ETA: My child has been home from an eight month stay at a psych hospital for exactly a year. It was a good thing, and we both agreed it was a positive stay. Lots of things have gotten better, others remain the same, and some have just evolved. What the other night was about was repeated behavior in deceitfulness, and doing something that he knows is going to hurt my feelings. It isn't lying. Lying you do to attempt to not get caught. These are things he knows - or should know/realize - I'm going to find out about. There's no way around it or hide what he's done. He then goes on for hours or even days like he's done nothing. I have tried to be gentle about it but still hold him accountable. Showing him he can be honest with me, even I am upset with what he did. He is not my only child, so he knows I provide credit for coming clean. Even if it's not right away. Consequences still occur, but it's a different conversation because it takes a lot of courage to be honest with your parent. I've worked hard to foster that. This deceitfulness is just something else. Yes, kids his age push boundaries, but it's just not the same. There's something else, and it's been around since he was about three. I've been told he'll grow out of it, theory of mind, kids are naturally selfish. But this is just something more. He's even discussed it and called it his dark side. Then there's his struggle to recognize that there are other people existing in the same space as him who have their own needs, and we have to reciprocate within that space at times. There are times when I recognize he's not catching the social que, needs prompting, etc. And then there's these other times it feels much more willful. I've tried resolving this by creating boundaries. For example, I have my spot on the couch (which is plenty big for us), and he has his. That's so when I sit, I'm not cleaning up a bunch of crumbs, random toys, stuffies, or controllers. My boundaries consist of this: My spot on the couch My room, my rules (consequently the same) Two days out of the year that is mom's day/day off This is all I ask of for myself. I have given up on everything else because it only resulted in physical violence. Once he was finally able to punch me hard enough, it hurt, and I backed off. Really, after four years of a range of physical and verbal aggression and being a DV survivor, I couldn't take it anymore. You may think that my asking so little is the problem, but IYKYK. It's the result, not how it started, and I fought for myself. His aggression has lessened immensely, but the deceitfulness has gone up. This has also been witnessed at the hospital, school, and day trearment. Yet, I still find myself in a place where I am treated like a maid or servant for him. He'll wait to eat breakfast on the weekends until I'm up. This can sometimes be 2pm. He'll say good morning and immediate ask, what's for breakfast? Yes, he is 100% capable of getting his own cereal/food. This is not an area of need, and he has done it plenty of times before. He WILL wait that long. I even extended him waiting for me to get him a glass of water for two hours. Each time he asked, I offered him the choice of getting it himself or waiting. He had easy access to cups, sinks, and water in the fridge. There are so many different examples, but this is already a long post. I break down into tears often. He was in therapy until recently because his therapist moved, and I'm trying to find a new one. I'm in therapy. I've done a LOT of therapy. We've run the gamut of therapeutic services. I've discussed with him, gently, firmly, angrily, tearfully, how I just need these few things for myself. Sometimes, the way he treats me makes me feel like I'm not a person. I prompt, prep, remind, and reward. God, you name it, I've done it/tried it/doing it. Sticker charts, tickets, rewards, outright bribes, consequences. I have tried.e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. And then I lost it. The what isn't important and some are going to get stuck on that detail and not realize the issue is deeper than that. I slapped him. I raised my voice. I was mean. It was wrong. I was still mad at him the next morning. He did as he should have and told his teacher who called my mom. He's staying with her. My mom is a whole other reddit post. She is a large part of why I have CPTSD. My child is safe there for now, but not long term. I may have crossed a line, but she will cross it frequently and with much gaslighting. Oh. Yes, CPS was called. Because no marks or injuries were inflicted, this isn't typical behavior, and my child is not in imminent danger. No action was taken. I've already talked with my therapist. I'm not a violent person, and this was uncharacteristic of me. While I say that, I know myself well enough to know if I get pushed to this point again, the likelihood of me lashing out is high. It may have taken eight years of being pushed around while simultaneously being loved (very confusing and highly triggering) to get here, but here I am. My concern is that I'm not safe for him. And I can't provide the level of structure he needs. I don't make enough to afford support. What is available is few and far between, years long waitlists, medicaid doesn't cover. I keep coming up against roadblocks. What I need is like an in home para and a housekeeper. I don't necessarily need an in home therapist or case manager (done that), but someone who can be a partner in his care for a few hours a day or even a couple of days a week. I need staff. My next best option is voluntary relinquishment of my parental rights, with the stipulation he doesn't live with my mom. I have looked into it. I know it's permanent. That's my question. Have you thought about doing this? Known others who have? What is your/their experience? Their kids? I get this sounds like the worst thing a parent can do, but I don't want to hurt my kid. Doing this will hurt, but i also feel like staying will even more. I don't feel safe around him. For his sake. I don't want that. I don't want to give him up, either. But I've also been voluntarily hospitalized twice due to the stress of his needs, and I'm bordering on a third time. That's damaging, and at some point, there won't be a hospitalization. Please be kind in your responses. I need help and I'm too ashamed to talk to my friends about it. TL;dr burnt out disabled and widowed mom of ND tween with high behavioral needs, otherwise "high functioning"/slapped child out of years long frustration and high burn out/Little to no support/have tried all the charts/utilized all available supports/asking for experience with voluntary relinquishment of rights for sake and safety of child., You are doing so much, almost exclusively by yourself. I think you are being very hard on yourself. Like unreasonably so. There was one specific incident that escalated after you were pushed past your limit. And it wasn’t such a serious escalation to result in any observable marks. The fact that you have gone through so much and this is the first time it has even escalated to this degree after being pushed past your limit is what should be the biggest focus here. You have gone through so much and continue to. The fact that you have been so successful is amazing. Yes, amazing. It is so hard. I am having difficulty even imagining myself in your shoes. You have a high needs ND (sure, high functioning but let’s face it - their needs are significantly higher than an NT), other kids, unable to work and cruelly unable to qualify for proper supports, and the one person that is supposed to be your greatest support and help - your spouse - was taken from you. And dealing with the deaths that have occurred recently. Quite frankly, I don’t know how you are still standing and haven’t collapsed from complete exhaustion - mental, physical and emotional. I don’t know what the answers are. But I think if you make a decision that has permanent ramifications while you are in this state, you may regret it. I think what you need urgently is some time and space so that you can rest and process. And I don’t mean getting one good night’s sleep. I mean REALLY rest. So that you can start to process effectively. And THEN (and only then) start considering options (with the support of your therapist). I don’t know what is out there for options to facilitate this - do you have access to respite care and can this occur for a somewhat extended period? Is there a way to look at a less permanent arrangement for now - maybe a couple of months or so - to give you some time to rest and focus on yourself so you can figure out a longer term plan? When you were hospitalized, what were the care arrangements for your kids? Is that an option again? You are not even expecting or asking for what you reasonably could or should in terms of your boundaries (no shade intended - I understand why and you’ve adjusted and done what you needed to cope and survive - I’m just saying you are not being unreasonable or blameworthy or anything like that at all - in any way, shape or form). I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful. Not only do you not need punishment, you don’t deserve it either. Not at all, in any way., If you find yourself having overwhelming thoughts of hurting your child or are hurting your child because your mental health and physical needs are not being met, then my best advice is to call CPS on yourself. You might be able to get your child into a home that has better resources to care for him than you may have right now, into a home that has been specially trained and is willing to accept high needs disabled children. If you are at the point where you are willing to relinquish your parental rights in totality, I think calling CPS on yourself and getting your child into temporary foster care would be a much better long-term option for everyone involved. And while he is in foster care, you can focus on you, your physical and mental health and get yourself to a better place. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Just know that all of us here understand exactly how overwhelming having a special needs child really is. I have nothing but empathy for you. I have lupus and fibromyalgia. I am in intense, chronic pain and fatigue all day every day so I understand how hard that can make it to care properly for special needs children. Social services will be able to help you figure out the best solution for everyone involved, [deleted], I don't have any advice but I wanted you to know I read your whole post. I'm sorry. You're not alone in either your feelings or situation., I am in therapy. I've done a lot of therapy for 14 years. He has done occupational therapy...well, not exactly. He would go, be excited to go, and then refuse to engage. There is respite, but only with an ASD diagnosis. I've self diagnosed him because the three times he's been tested, the only things that keep him from getting the diagnosis is he's social, makes eye contact, and is highly verbal. He refuses to do therapy. I have had him in therapy for eight years straight. Three hospitalizations - the longest was for eight months. Two attempts at day treatment. I have called 211, i have had case management, in home therapy + outside therapy at the same time, in home case management, psych evals, crisis care (he's aged out) therapeutic schooling, all the charts, the facebook groups, the studies, the books. I get that you don't know me, but I'm the person people go to for resources. I have called the health department, and I'm STILL on wait lists for local clinics and centers. When I get referred, I'm lucky to get a call back or an answer. This is not hyperbole. A few years ago, I spent three hours a day, for three days, making phone calls to various agencies. When I say years long wait lists, people either die or age out while waiting for services. What is readily available for kids his age, with his struggles, are multiple troubled teen camps and centers. It's an open secret how bad they are and poorly regulated. It would do harm to send to one. When I say I have tapped out of resources, I really and truly mean I have tapped out of resources. I HAVE been getting myself help. I am CURRENTLY getting help. I had a crisis appointment with my therapist two days ago, and we have an appointment on Monday. I'm going to ask to see him twice a week instead of once a week. I'm on medications, have prn meds, and take a mood stabilizer as an anticonvulsant. I have searched for lethal doses of the meds I have. You can heave a sigh of relief that none of them will do anything. I don't want to hurt him, AND how much do I have to endure before someone says or does anything about it? (rhetorical) These two truths can and do exist at the same time., you should probably put it in the main post that he isn't officially diagnosed with ASD but that you suspect it. were any of the people who assessed him specialized in autism, or just general child psychologists who had qualifications to diagnose?, No one should be downvoting this post until they’ve walked a mile in your exact shoes. I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of this. That said … is a residential therapeutic school an option?, Woooow. Really!!? Fuck this then. I don't need y'alls bullshit (not you, Dot, thank you for telling me). I came here for help on a painful and complicated issue - that does NOT mean to tell me to get help. I can't possibly provide the internet with every single detail of the past eight years. You don't have to like what I'm considering or even agree, but respect in the form of compassion is paramount. This is how a village treats and responds to one of their own? Some of you desperately need to watch "Women Talking" and take a lesson. Yes, fuck every single one of you who passed judgement or down voted. Boot me out, report me, i don't care. I'm dead anyway. FUCK YOU!, You know I was on your side here because I understand perfectly how you feel. I have dealt with viloence and anger. I have been where you are, we are still debating having my daughter moved to a home instead of being home. But this last paragraph just rubs me wrong. I don't know what the deleted post said, but there is no reason to cuss out the rest of us who would like to help and offer our sympathies.

Resources on PDA

If ya'll have any good helpful resources for how to help our kids with PDA (pathological demand avoidance) please let me know!! Recently my son has displayed this behavior and I am struggling (as I'm pretty sure I had/have this as well and it was never dealt with - I was just a 'bad, terrible kid who got punished' which led to a horrible life. He doesn't deserve what I had to go through, so I really need to figure out how to help him and unfortunately his school is absolutely failing him suddenly and I'm pretty sure it was the start of this popping up. I need to do right by my son and get ahead of this while I can. He deserves the world and to be loved & understood, he is such a beautiful soul and whatever started this needs to stop and he needs to be helped. So please, help 🥺 I need to be better for him. 💚

There is a PDA autism group, very helpful., Highly recommend @lowdemandamanda and @atpeaceparents on IG for resources. There is a virtual conference coming up next week too, hosted by @lowdemandamanda. @theneurodiversitymom might also be helpful if you feel it fits you too. There’s also the pdasociety.uk.org and Facebook groups. I think there’s also a North American pda website/group, There is a PDA autism group, very helpful., Highly recommend @lowdemandamanda and @atpeaceparents on IG for resources. There is a virtual conference coming up next week too, hosted by @lowdemandamanda. @theneurodiversitymom might also be helpful if you feel it fits you too. There’s also the pdasociety.uk.org and Facebook groups. I think there’s also a North American pda website/group, There is a PDA autism group, very helpful., Highly recommend @lowdemandamanda and @atpeaceparents on IG for resources. There is a virtual conference coming up next week too, hosted by @lowdemandamanda. @theneurodiversitymom might also be helpful if you feel it fits you too. There’s also the pdasociety.uk.org and Facebook groups. I think there’s also a North American pda website/group, There is a PDA autism group, very helpful., Highly recommend @lowdemandamanda and @atpeaceparents on IG for resources. There is a virtual conference coming up next week too, hosted by @lowdemandamanda. @theneurodiversitymom might also be helpful if you feel it fits you too. There’s also the pdasociety.uk.org and Facebook groups. I think there’s also a North American pda website/group

Respite care for children with autism

Hello! I’m a foster parent and we have been asked to provide respite care regularly for a 3 year old as well as a sibling set 2-4. (Respite care is giving other foster parents a break for anywhere from a couple days to a week or so). The 3 year old is non-verbal but able to make needs known by grabbing our hands and guiding us to what he wants. We took care of him for a weekend which went well. The 2 & 4 year old sibling set are non-verbal and that’s all I know at this time. I understand that kids are individuals and what works for one may not work for another, but just looking for some general guidance or tips for providing care for them.

This will vary greatly if they have behavioral challenges or not. My son is 5 and doesn’t have behavioral issues but he has an expressive speech delay, and doesn’t socialize outside of his immediate family If you were to take him for a weekend it would be like having a 2.5 year old around that’s potty trained and a little more mature. But that verbal ability and the need to watch them as much as a toddler, can’t leave him alone I would ask for specifics on these kids. Do they have elopement issues? Self injurious behaviors? Transition problems moving one activity to another or one place to another? Sensitivity to noise or lights? Separation anxiety? Special dietary issues?, Echoing elopement!!! That’s a biggie!!, The 3 yr old has a limited diet- pretty much just carbs and he’s a grazer. His foster family brought a bunch familiar foods and toys for him. We tried to follow their schedule and we were able to keep him going to his daycare. He would throw a fit with transition times- like transitioning to bed time from playing with a toy. I’ll keep in mind those questions when I talk to the sib sets social worker today. Thank you for your response!, This will vary greatly if they have behavioral challenges or not. My son is 5 and doesn’t have behavioral issues but he has an expressive speech delay, and doesn’t socialize outside of his immediate family If you were to take him for a weekend it would be like having a 2.5 year old around that’s potty trained and a little more mature. But that verbal ability and the need to watch them as much as a toddler, can’t leave him alone I would ask for specifics on these kids. Do they have elopement issues? Self injurious behaviors? Transition problems moving one activity to another or one place to another? Sensitivity to noise or lights? Separation anxiety? Special dietary issues?, Echoing elopement!!! That’s a biggie!!, The 3 yr old has a limited diet- pretty much just carbs and he’s a grazer. His foster family brought a bunch familiar foods and toys for him. We tried to follow their schedule and we were able to keep him going to his daycare. He would throw a fit with transition times- like transitioning to bed time from playing with a toy. I’ll keep in mind those questions when I talk to the sib sets social worker today. Thank you for your response!, This will vary greatly if they have behavioral challenges or not. My son is 5 and doesn’t have behavioral issues but he has an expressive speech delay, and doesn’t socialize outside of his immediate family If you were to take him for a weekend it would be like having a 2.5 year old around that’s potty trained and a little more mature. But that verbal ability and the need to watch them as much as a toddler, can’t leave him alone I would ask for specifics on these kids. Do they have elopement issues? Self injurious behaviors? Transition problems moving one activity to another or one place to another? Sensitivity to noise or lights? Separation anxiety? Special dietary issues?, Echoing elopement!!! That’s a biggie!!, The 3 yr old has a limited diet- pretty much just carbs and he’s a grazer. His foster family brought a bunch familiar foods and toys for him. We tried to follow their schedule and we were able to keep him going to his daycare. He would throw a fit with transition times- like transitioning to bed time from playing with a toy. I’ll keep in mind those questions when I talk to the sib sets social worker today. Thank you for your response!, This will vary greatly if they have behavioral challenges or not. My son is 5 and doesn’t have behavioral issues but he has an expressive speech delay, and doesn’t socialize outside of his immediate family If you were to take him for a weekend it would be like having a 2.5 year old around that’s potty trained and a little more mature. But that verbal ability and the need to watch them as much as a toddler, can’t leave him alone I would ask for specifics on these kids. Do they have elopement issues? Self injurious behaviors? Transition problems moving one activity to another or one place to another? Sensitivity to noise or lights? Separation anxiety? Special dietary issues?, Echoing elopement!!! That’s a biggie!!, The 3 yr old has a limited diet- pretty much just carbs and he’s a grazer. His foster family brought a bunch familiar foods and toys for him. We tried to follow their schedule and we were able to keep him going to his daycare. He would throw a fit with transition times- like transitioning to bed time from playing with a toy. I’ll keep in mind those questions when I talk to the sib sets social worker today. Thank you for your response!

Restraining kids during tantrums

My daughter does a bit of self ha when she gets upset: she will hit herself over and over in the face. She’s only 5 and isn’t very coordinated, but I worry she is going to start really doing damage to herself. Additionally, sometimes she throws herself all over the place and as she gets bigger she’s getting closer and closer to hitting furniture and really hurting herself. She can also go from seemingly happy to really upset at the drop of a hat. It really comes out of nowhere. My question: Should I start restraining her when she gets really upset? What’s the general consensus on such things? I’m not a huge fan of getting that physical with her, but I worry about her safety as she gets stronger.

Have you tried protective measures such a soft helmet, mats, gloves, etc? If that doesn’t work I’d recommend you to train in CPI , it teaches you to block self-injury, protect yourself in case of aggression and the last recourse how to do a safe hold (which is a restrain minus unsafe , risky positions ), As an SLP who works with many autistic children with emotional regulation and behavioral challenges, I 100% understand your concern for your daughter's safety during her intense tantrums/meltdowns. Restraining a young child can be a very sensitive topic, as it needs to be approached with great care. My primary recommendation would be to avoid physical restraint if at all possible. However, so that you feel comfortable and know properly what to do if needed, I would also recommend getting trained through a certified organization such as Crisis Prevention and Intervention, Safe & Positive Approaches, Safety Care, or Safe Crisis Management; I believe they offer training specifically for parents and families. If you feel she is in immediate danger of harming herself or others, you then have these techniques in your 'toolbox' if needed. Restraint should truly be a last resort, as it can be traumatic for the child and may at times worsen the situation by escalating her distress. I would suggest focusing on creating a calm, safe environment and teaching your daughter positive coping strategies. Consider setting up a designated "calm down" space in your home - a cozy and safe corner with soft pillows, fidget toys, and other soothing items she can use to self-regulate when she feels overwhelmed. Remove any objects or furniture that could potentially harm her. Gently guide her to this space during the height of her meltdowns, with limited holds or restrictions. Work closely with your daughter to develop healthy ways for her to express and manage her big emotions. Things like deep breathing, counting, listening to calming music, or squeezing a stress ball sound simple but can be great tools for a 5-year-old, and it helps greatly if you can model, guide, and co-regulate along with her. Praise and reinforce her when you see her using these strategies independently. If the behavior persists or escalates to the point of immediate danger, you may also want to have items such as arm guards to prevent injury to yourself. I also would recommend consulting an occupational therapist or child therapist who can provide personalized recommendations and coping skills. With the right supports in place, your daughter can hopefully learn effective ways to regulate her emotions without resorting to self-harm or unsafe behaviors. I know this is a challenging situation, but please don't hesitate to reach out for professional guidance. The safety and well-being of your child is the top priority. Wishing you all the best as you navigate this together. \---- *ETA quick note: Just sharing some general tips and advice here, not formal therapy or medical guidance. Always best to consult with a professional for personalized support!*, Thanks! I’ve not heard of CPI. I’ll check it out., Have you tried protective measures such a soft helmet, mats, gloves, etc? If that doesn’t work I’d recommend you to train in CPI , it teaches you to block self-injury, protect yourself in case of aggression and the last recourse how to do a safe hold (which is a restrain minus unsafe , risky positions ), As an SLP who works with many autistic children with emotional regulation and behavioral challenges, I 100% understand your concern for your daughter's safety during her intense tantrums/meltdowns. Restraining a young child can be a very sensitive topic, as it needs to be approached with great care. My primary recommendation would be to avoid physical restraint if at all possible. However, so that you feel comfortable and know properly what to do if needed, I would also recommend getting trained through a certified organization such as Crisis Prevention and Intervention, Safe & Positive Approaches, Safety Care, or Safe Crisis Management; I believe they offer training specifically for parents and families. If you feel she is in immediate danger of harming herself or others, you then have these techniques in your 'toolbox' if needed. Restraint should truly be a last resort, as it can be traumatic for the child and may at times worsen the situation by escalating her distress. I would suggest focusing on creating a calm, safe environment and teaching your daughter positive coping strategies. Consider setting up a designated "calm down" space in your home - a cozy and safe corner with soft pillows, fidget toys, and other soothing items she can use to self-regulate when she feels overwhelmed. Remove any objects or furniture that could potentially harm her. Gently guide her to this space during the height of her meltdowns, with limited holds or restrictions. Work closely with your daughter to develop healthy ways for her to express and manage her big emotions. Things like deep breathing, counting, listening to calming music, or squeezing a stress ball sound simple but can be great tools for a 5-year-old, and it helps greatly if you can model, guide, and co-regulate along with her. Praise and reinforce her when you see her using these strategies independently. If the behavior persists or escalates to the point of immediate danger, you may also want to have items such as arm guards to prevent injury to yourself. I also would recommend consulting an occupational therapist or child therapist who can provide personalized recommendations and coping skills. With the right supports in place, your daughter can hopefully learn effective ways to regulate her emotions without resorting to self-harm or unsafe behaviors. I know this is a challenging situation, but please don't hesitate to reach out for professional guidance. The safety and well-being of your child is the top priority. Wishing you all the best as you navigate this together. \---- *ETA quick note: Just sharing some general tips and advice here, not formal therapy or medical guidance. Always best to consult with a professional for personalized support!*, Thanks! I’ve not heard of CPI. I’ll check it out., Have you tried protective measures such a soft helmet, mats, gloves, etc? If that doesn’t work I’d recommend you to train in CPI , it teaches you to block self-injury, protect yourself in case of aggression and the last recourse how to do a safe hold (which is a restrain minus unsafe , risky positions ), As an SLP who works with many autistic children with emotional regulation and behavioral challenges, I 100% understand your concern for your daughter's safety during her intense tantrums/meltdowns. Restraining a young child can be a very sensitive topic, as it needs to be approached with great care. My primary recommendation would be to avoid physical restraint if at all possible. However, so that you feel comfortable and know properly what to do if needed, I would also recommend getting trained through a certified organization such as Crisis Prevention and Intervention, Safe & Positive Approaches, Safety Care, or Safe Crisis Management; I believe they offer training specifically for parents and families. If you feel she is in immediate danger of harming herself or others, you then have these techniques in your 'toolbox' if needed. Restraint should truly be a last resort, as it can be traumatic for the child and may at times worsen the situation by escalating her distress. I would suggest focusing on creating a calm, safe environment and teaching your daughter positive coping strategies. Consider setting up a designated "calm down" space in your home - a cozy and safe corner with soft pillows, fidget toys, and other soothing items she can use to self-regulate when she feels overwhelmed. Remove any objects or furniture that could potentially harm her. Gently guide her to this space during the height of her meltdowns, with limited holds or restrictions. Work closely with your daughter to develop healthy ways for her to express and manage her big emotions. Things like deep breathing, counting, listening to calming music, or squeezing a stress ball sound simple but can be great tools for a 5-year-old, and it helps greatly if you can model, guide, and co-regulate along with her. Praise and reinforce her when you see her using these strategies independently. If the behavior persists or escalates to the point of immediate danger, you may also want to have items such as arm guards to prevent injury to yourself. I also would recommend consulting an occupational therapist or child therapist who can provide personalized recommendations and coping skills. With the right supports in place, your daughter can hopefully learn effective ways to regulate her emotions without resorting to self-harm or unsafe behaviors. I know this is a challenging situation, but please don't hesitate to reach out for professional guidance. The safety and well-being of your child is the top priority. Wishing you all the best as you navigate this together. \---- *ETA quick note: Just sharing some general tips and advice here, not formal therapy or medical guidance. Always best to consult with a professional for personalized support!*, Thanks! I’ve not heard of CPI. I’ll check it out., Have you tried protective measures such a soft helmet, mats, gloves, etc? If that doesn’t work I’d recommend you to train in CPI , it teaches you to block self-injury, protect yourself in case of aggression and the last recourse how to do a safe hold (which is a restrain minus unsafe , risky positions ), As an SLP who works with many autistic children with emotional regulation and behavioral challenges, I 100% understand your concern for your daughter's safety during her intense tantrums/meltdowns. Restraining a young child can be a very sensitive topic, as it needs to be approached with great care. My primary recommendation would be to avoid physical restraint if at all possible. However, so that you feel comfortable and know properly what to do if needed, I would also recommend getting trained through a certified organization such as Crisis Prevention and Intervention, Safe & Positive Approaches, Safety Care, or Safe Crisis Management; I believe they offer training specifically for parents and families. If you feel she is in immediate danger of harming herself or others, you then have these techniques in your 'toolbox' if needed. Restraint should truly be a last resort, as it can be traumatic for the child and may at times worsen the situation by escalating her distress. I would suggest focusing on creating a calm, safe environment and teaching your daughter positive coping strategies. Consider setting up a designated "calm down" space in your home - a cozy and safe corner with soft pillows, fidget toys, and other soothing items she can use to self-regulate when she feels overwhelmed. Remove any objects or furniture that could potentially harm her. Gently guide her to this space during the height of her meltdowns, with limited holds or restrictions. Work closely with your daughter to develop healthy ways for her to express and manage her big emotions. Things like deep breathing, counting, listening to calming music, or squeezing a stress ball sound simple but can be great tools for a 5-year-old, and it helps greatly if you can model, guide, and co-regulate along with her. Praise and reinforce her when you see her using these strategies independently. If the behavior persists or escalates to the point of immediate danger, you may also want to have items such as arm guards to prevent injury to yourself. I also would recommend consulting an occupational therapist or child therapist who can provide personalized recommendations and coping skills. With the right supports in place, your daughter can hopefully learn effective ways to regulate her emotions without resorting to self-harm or unsafe behaviors. I know this is a challenging situation, but please don't hesitate to reach out for professional guidance. The safety and well-being of your child is the top priority. Wishing you all the best as you navigate this together. \---- *ETA quick note: Just sharing some general tips and advice here, not formal therapy or medical guidance. Always best to consult with a professional for personalized support!*, Thanks! I’ve not heard of CPI. I’ll check it out.

Rigid Behaviour Advice - 4yo

My daughter is relatively placid but likes thinks a certain way. She likes to remain in her clothes she started the day in, she likes things to remain in there place etc and can get teary if not. Every and then this can lead to a meltdown when a chair is in the wrong place or if (like just now) I'm not reading her night time book correctly (I have a cough and needed to keep pausing). She is verbally delayed (gestalt learner) and can't tell me what the problem is and I can't make her understand I'm trying to help. Anyone with similar profile children and what helps best?

Both my kids can be rigid like this. My oldest is 6 and has outgrown a lot of it. When she was 2-3 she would not wear shorts. Ever. She was furious about the mere suggestion. She still has a tendency to insist we repeat certain phrases when reading or playing and she wants to direct play but she can be more flexible, for her. I could go on about some of the inflexible behaviors, but it would be a lot so I won't. Overall, I have seen her relax some with time. I think the behaviors are due to anxiety and the desire to control and find comfort, which I understand. So I try to be flexible. I think she can sense that I accept and understand her feelings about things, and that has helped our relationship...  My son is 3 and goes through cycles with clothes like this, where he will not change out of certain clothes for days without becoming extremely distraught. I just try to respect his feelings but point out the dirt and food that inevitably accumulates after a day of wear. It is a comfort thing, I think. I am always trying to put the relationship we have first though, and be flexible so that the kids both trust me when I am asking them to do something...   , Both my kids can be rigid like this. My oldest is 6 and has outgrown a lot of it. When she was 2-3 she would not wear shorts. Ever. She was furious about the mere suggestion. She still has a tendency to insist we repeat certain phrases when reading or playing and she wants to direct play but she can be more flexible, for her. I could go on about some of the inflexible behaviors, but it would be a lot so I won't. Overall, I have seen her relax some with time. I think the behaviors are due to anxiety and the desire to control and find comfort, which I understand. So I try to be flexible. I think she can sense that I accept and understand her feelings about things, and that has helped our relationship...  My son is 3 and goes through cycles with clothes like this, where he will not change out of certain clothes for days without becoming extremely distraught. I just try to respect his feelings but point out the dirt and food that inevitably accumulates after a day of wear. It is a comfort thing, I think. I am always trying to put the relationship we have first though, and be flexible so that the kids both trust me when I am asking them to do something...   , Both my kids can be rigid like this. My oldest is 6 and has outgrown a lot of it. When she was 2-3 she would not wear shorts. Ever. She was furious about the mere suggestion. She still has a tendency to insist we repeat certain phrases when reading or playing and she wants to direct play but she can be more flexible, for her. I could go on about some of the inflexible behaviors, but it would be a lot so I won't. Overall, I have seen her relax some with time. I think the behaviors are due to anxiety and the desire to control and find comfort, which I understand. So I try to be flexible. I think she can sense that I accept and understand her feelings about things, and that has helped our relationship...  My son is 3 and goes through cycles with clothes like this, where he will not change out of certain clothes for days without becoming extremely distraught. I just try to respect his feelings but point out the dirt and food that inevitably accumulates after a day of wear. It is a comfort thing, I think. I am always trying to put the relationship we have first though, and be flexible so that the kids both trust me when I am asking them to do something...   , Both my kids can be rigid like this. My oldest is 6 and has outgrown a lot of it. When she was 2-3 she would not wear shorts. Ever. She was furious about the mere suggestion. She still has a tendency to insist we repeat certain phrases when reading or playing and she wants to direct play but she can be more flexible, for her. I could go on about some of the inflexible behaviors, but it would be a lot so I won't. Overall, I have seen her relax some with time. I think the behaviors are due to anxiety and the desire to control and find comfort, which I understand. So I try to be flexible. I think she can sense that I accept and understand her feelings about things, and that has helped our relationship...  My son is 3 and goes through cycles with clothes like this, where he will not change out of certain clothes for days without becoming extremely distraught. I just try to respect his feelings but point out the dirt and food that inevitably accumulates after a day of wear. It is a comfort thing, I think. I am always trying to put the relationship we have first though, and be flexible so that the kids both trust me when I am asking them to do something...   

Royal Carribean Cruise with non verbal, non toilet trained 6 year old???

Hello all, I am dying to book a family cruise, but I’ve never been on one so I don’t know what I would expect without children nevermind with bringing my son. I guess I’m just looking for any recommendations or thoughts. I planned on doing 5 nights, NY to Bermuda. It would be myself, my mother, my son, and my partner. I’m not sure what kind of activities there would be for him, how loud/chaotic a cruise ships or pool/play areas are, etc. He does really well on road trips and we travel by car just fine. Thanks

Check out Autism on the Seas. They provide support staff on cruise ships. You have to book through them though. They have a long list of cruises for 2024 and 2025 on their website., You cant swim in the pool with swim diapers, We were looking at it - the reason we said no was because kids must be potty trained to use the pools on board. No real way around it. We aren't doing a cruise until he's potty trained. Not a royal Caribbean thing specifically - it's the case with all cruise ships., We took our three kids a year ago- 8 and 6 year olds with ASD & 3 year old NT. Our 3 year old was still having a lot of accidents so we had him in a pull up for most of the cruise and it went ok. I joined a Facebook group for going on cruises with kids and based on their advice I bought red doggie poop bags to put his dirty diapers in, I guess that tells the maintenance workers that it’s a biohazard or something. 😂 I informed the cruise ahead of time that I had kids with special needs. It was Carnival cruises which has free on board child care. My daughter did fine with her age group. As a special accommodation for my 6 year old they let him stay in the group with his 3 year old brother (I think it was 5 and under) as he’s small and more the maturity level of those kids. In that age group they’ll also change diapers, although he was potty trained. He didn’t really participate much in the activities and the workers complained of him doing things like jumping on the couch but overall it was ok. My biggest fear was that my 6 year old would jump overboard. He sometimes elopes and he LOVES the ocean. We got child leashes and used them with him and his brother if we were wandering around the ship. We were expecting rude comments but everyone was very nice about it. People said things like “I used those on my kids too!” and “I wish they had those when I had little ones.” We also got a room with a window instead of a balcony room. I’m sure there are great locks on the doors to the balcony, but I just didn’t want to risk the kids somehow getting out there while we were sleeping and fall in. We put a little stick on door alarm on the door to the hallway but the kids actually weren’t able to unlock it anyway. Overall we really enjoyed it. The kids especially loved eating soft serve at the end of every meal. I say go for it!, My non verbal has 22 days at sea! Bring extra diapers and wipes as you won't have access to them, I think you could totally do it, as long as your expectations are realistic. Plan ahead of time which nights which adult will stay in with your son so the other two can go out and relax, what your backup plan will be for each scenario, etc, and I think you'll be fine! I recently took a Princess cruise, which isn't targeted for young families, so I can only speak from that liner specifically: I would say it would absolutely depend on your son. Cruise ships can be very overstimulating, even for neurotypical people. There are lights and action happening all over. Most of the on-ship entertainment was in the evenings and on our ship wasn't really targeted at kids-- I think Royal Caribbean would likely be the same but you can probably view them online. Ours had magic shows, trivia nights, comedy, movies on the deck, etc. The decks on "at sea" days are super crowded and swim diapers weren't allowed in any of the pools on our ship. If he does fine with crowds and some chaos, he might enjoy the sun and some of the activities. At anytime a break could be taken in your room- which are pretty quiet and can be made almost completely dark. I'd suggest reserving meals (still "free" but requires reservations) in the restaurants rather than the buffet dining if he does better in more predictable/less chaotic environments. Without being toilet trained he wouldn't be able to attend the kids club, though I would think they would let him come in for activities if you accompany him. There is a huge variety of off shore activities available! You would know best how he will manage any of them or what might engage his interest-- hikes, or swims, etc. I preferred to keep things pretty low-key. With 2 of our stops we just swam with floaties\* I brought with us and wandered the shore for seashells. Consider motion-sickness though in your preparations. I was able to bring Zofran with me which helped my kids quite a bit, but they're able to tell me when they feel queasy. It was necessary off and on most of the trip. Dramamine also works-- take it before getting on the ship though! Bring lots of sunscreen (our ship store ran out!), and I'd plan ahead to bring comfort items/snacks/etc for him. I'd bring noise cancelling headphones if loud areas can be a trigger. If he loves a tablet with streaming, buy the wifi plan. \*the floaties and a portable/rechargable pump were the best purchase i made for the trip! Along with an over the door clear shoe holder that held sunscreen, hats, sunglasses, etc.. I also brought blue painters tape to cover a light sensor in the room which turned on the room lights when someone might come in after kids had gone to bed., Water is a very strong lure for autistic children., We took my non verbal daughter on cruse when she was around 3. It worked great! Make sure you bring swim diapers for the pool. We spent all our time together. I wouldn’t try to send them to the daycare. We mostly went to pool, eat, walk around different areas or just spend time in room. My daughter is good at keeping herself busy with toys, Why would you be dying to book a cruise if you've never been? From what I've seen they are very rowdy. I'd watch some youtube videos of their "competitions" and other wild things they get going on. My sister said her and her friends averaged 20+ alcoholic beverages a day. I wouldn't take my kids on one until they are much older., Gold because I can only upvote once. Autism on the Seas is the best option here. They have allowed our vacations to be true family vacations where all can relax and not feel guilty about it., Another recommendation for Autism on the Seas!! Wonderful organization, Yep. This is true of most (US based) cruises as it seems to be a US public health regulation: https://www.royalcaribbean.com/faq/questions/are-children-in-diapers-allowed-in-the-onboard-pools, Makes sense, Thanks!!, I’ve only been on one cruise, and it was nothing like that. Some are obviously going to be more family friendly., 1. To answer your question on why I would want to go on a cruise if I’ve never been is exactly how it sounds, because I’ve never been….. I travel A LOT so this would be a cool new experience that I would like to include other family members in. I don’t see how that would even be a normal question to ask, but whatever. 2. Obviously everyone has different experiences, which is why I am asking Reddit for theirs. I would obviously choose a room on the quieter side of the ship. I know tons of families who go on cruises and have great experiences., Thanks! I wish I’d known about then before we booked our Alaska cruise., This one was Royal Carribean to Catalina and Ensenada which was the same company OP was thinking about., So did you just want positive responses only? Because its good to get information on all experiences. Especially if you're dying to go on one!

Sad about the label

Has anyone here had their child described as being “low functioning?” Someone called my kid that yesterday and it made me feel sad. I know he’s not some super genius like the stereotypes you see on TV and occasionally in real life, but I just hate to box him in like that. He is a nonverbal, sensory seeking, hyper, stim-heavy four-year-old, but can be quite clever and we have taught him things!

I had someone ask me how if it made me sad that my son wasn’t affectionate because of his autism. Pardon? My son loves cuddling and climbing all over me. People who don’t have experience with ND kids say stupid things because they don’t know any better. A child may be higher needs in one area than another, that doesn’t make them “low functioning”, and it doesn’t mean they’ll need that level of support forever., My daughter and I went to her IEP Meeting and she read the words low-functioning. I told her it means she has a hard time doing some things others kids can do easily. She wrote “But I am still smart, right.” Very right., Function levels aren’t used really, support level is, which some see as just function levels rebranded. You aren’t boxing him in, others are. And they don’t know him like you do. So why should their label matter? I know it’s easier said than done., I have. The interesting thing is that because it’s a more modern term, the people using it with me have been really amenable to changing their language. I’ve responded “I don’t describe my son with that word. Saying high support needs, disabled, or severe is fine. There’s no wrong way to function as a human.” Low-functioning is a word that hasn’t made it get into any legal lexicon that would give it permanece, and I don’t want my son to assimilate it as he’s building his sense of self., I understand that feeling, this is my personal take on this. If I was to go by those labels alone then I would just have a “high functioning” 6 yr old and a “low functioning” 3 yr old but really that means nothing. So far my” high functioning” kid has been the “hardest” kid to parents. The “low functioning” kiddo is so laid back and quirky, funniest kid ever. I’ve come to a point where I don’t care for anyone’s else’s opinions on my kids except those who are in their lives on the daily, grandparents, therapist and teachers because only those people know that just because their autistic doesn’t make them fit into a box, they are still a complex person with very many talents and difficulties just like everyone else. The only time I care for labels is if I can use it for an advantage and get more support/services, otherwise I’m not interested., I think most human brains need shorthands and categories to function and that's just something we need to sit with and accept. If the diagnosis of ASD is going to encompass the Elon Musks of the world along with children who can't speak functionally and have very limited adaptive skills, people are going to come up with language to describe how they differ., Yes, I absolutely hate the labeling system. My son has historically been VERY non-performative for any and every assessment. Last fall right after he turned 5 we had him evaluated by our local public school to see what services he’d need to start kindergarten due to his obvious speech delay we just wanted to be prepared. It was such an off-putting process conducted by unprofessional educators that we paid for a private neuro-educational evaluation. He was on his worst behavior for both assessments on top of just not demonstrating that he knows things he’s clearly mastered from an earlier age (like shapes, letters, and colors). What that equated to was a school evaluation having useless IEP goals and a private evaluation describing him as low-functioning. I reject that label for my son. Not only is it not accurate, but I think when children are labeled this way educators also treat them that way—maybe not all, but definitely that’s the attitude I encountered that made me want to consider public school only as a last resort. My son is not conversational in a back and forth sense, but he is capable of conversation. He is kind, sweet, affectionate, and he is smart. I won’t allow anyone near my child who displays a negative box him in attitude. Like the educators responsible for creating the IEP goals trying to explain to me that while I think my child knows his colors at home what is common for autistic children is to not be able to generalize their knowledge in other environments. I had to roll my eyes. My son has known his colors since he was 2… he knows them at home, at speech/OT, while we are driving around, at his grandparents’ house, but I’m sorry him not jumping through hoops must mean they know better than me? Don’t be surprised when a lack of expectation equates to a lack of progress! We had a formal medical diagnosis where the developmental pediatrician labeled him as level 1 for behavior, level 2 for communication and “moderate” in her report. We then had a new/updated neuro-educational evaluation done recently as part of our application process for private school. She had previously labeled our child as severely autistic and low-functioning. She told us before she even started the re-evaluation (after he didn’t want to sit still in his chair for 20-30 minutes while she asked us questions that could have been an online survey) that he’s severely autistic. But magically wrote moderate in her actual report following the actual re-evaluation. In my experience the label is both fickle and inaccurate. I really don’t subscribe to it meaning anything for my child. I don’t know what the future holds, but I believe anything is possible! Edit to add: All of these assessments and labels have occurred within less than a calendar year: severe, low-functioning, moderate, level 1/ level 2., My son has autism and is verbal. He is 14 but does 3rd grade work. He is very social and as such can talk in class. He is in general Ed classes since he is social. One of his teachers requested he be kept in self contained since he doesn’t do work but talks. His person assigned on campus told the teacher no way he is so social that isolating him would be bad for him. She said if he is not doing all the work give him 1 thing to work on to keep him busy., It’s an ableist, old-fashioned term that should be replaced with ‘high / low support needs’. We met with the Developmental pediatrician last week and as she (older woman, 60s) described a particular strand of government program she said ‘oh, but that’s for high-functioning kids - not your son’ and it was a real slap. Our son is self-directed and non vocal, but intelligent, social and affectionate. Hearing him boiled down to that term was awful and unnecessary. I’m sorry that you had to hear it., I mentioned being nervous about my son joining a general Ed recreation class because he's autistic to someone. She responded: "they don't allow kids who are aggressive toward other children." Before my kids, I also thought autistic people were always randomly aggressive. I had no idea. Most people are ignorant. Genuinely ignorant - it isn't in their daily life like it is for us. These can be teaching moments, although I know that is tough in the moment., These terms are heavily debated in the community...high and low functioning. I'm personally not a fan, both of my autistic kiddos function perfectly fine, just not in a typical way. It's something I'm really trying to advocate for, embracing the autistic mind. We always treat it like a disability because they think and function differently. Great inventions have come from the autistic mind over the years, why can't we embrace the differences, but teach them to navigate a world not made for them? I just think there is a lot to learn from the autistic mind., Yeah. I had a coworker call my kid that because he's nonverbal, she's on the spectrum herself and very socially behind. Other people in the room visibly cringed. My kiddo is in talented and gifted classes, grade accelerated but has to use AAC. Like, at what point is that low-functioning? She also asked me if I was low-functioning, to my face. I work with her 60 hours per week, and I'm fully verbal, married, have children, college-educated., That's awful, I'm sorry that happened and I can see why it would make you feel that way. The autistic community generally sees functioning labels as ableist. Go down a Google rabbit whole of why functioning labels are harmful and unhelpful, then educate that person. Our kids have to live in this world, so I think it's important for us tp advocate for them and to educate those around us and make the world a better place for our kids., Feel free to calmly educate someone who says things like to you why you feel they are inaccurate and hurtful. I think it's important to express these things. I think most people just are genuinely ignorant on why labels like "low functioning" are incorrect and hurtful, and they're not necessarily trying to be malicious. "I think a better way of describing Kid's autism is needing a little/a lot/extra support when it comes to xyz. However, Kid doesn't need as much help when it comes to abc"., Nothing exactly like that but we’ve seen many progress reports showing how far behind he is to his peers and it’s tough every time, If they’re not responsible for him, their opinions and labels aren’t relevant, don’t let it consume you. Stay strong knowing that you get to celebrate the smallest wins and take a gentler pace through your child’s life, It's garbage. My 6 year old is labeled lev 3. He isn't, in my opinion. He is quite clever in communicating on his own ways and very good at figuring things out. He is non verbal...that makes it very challenging for officials to know his capabilities. Just hope for the best and give as many opportunities as you can. Time will tell., Ya I hate stuff like this. I know they don’t mean in a negative way but as parents, you still get sad ): anyway, hug and solidarity!, I know it’s terrible, but I see it more as a necessary evil mainly because those who are not so familiar can understand where the person is at regarding levels of severity or level of support needed., lol those shows about people being super genius are just exaggerating it imo. I know autistic people and none of us are geniuses, we have our special strengths yes but geniuses no. I mean idk I have been called a genius for my ability to research ways around obstacles but I don't consider myself one. I can figure out complex things but can't figure out how to get rid of social anxiety that inhibits me to speak with confidence to everyone?, My son is 20. They didn't use levels when he was diagnosed/younger. He was always referred to as non-verbal and low functioning. I have to be careful not to use that term on this sub. But none of his records or IEPs ever listed him as Level 3. I learned about the levels on this sub., How heartbreaking. Strength based support need neurodiversity affirming language is very slowly catching on. High support needs replaces low functioning. Low support needs replaces “high functioning”. We should Always presume competence! Non speaking children should not be assumed to not understand. I hope your son has access to AAC device. My advice is to Educate, Educate, Educate. People don’t know what they don’t know. Hopefully more people are willing to learn rather than be judgmental, 🫶🏼♾️, They're supposed to say "high support needs" now. My son (20) is also "low functioning". It never bothered me. It was accurate, and over the years I've learned an accurate label is what gets my child the resources he needs and deserves. It is sad though. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for feeling sad (or any other feeling) about this. They will try., Herbs health diet exercise activities don't eat gmos, eat only organic., I understand this, my 3 yr old doesn’t hug or give kisses and I don’t mind or care because he’s still so affectionate just not in the “typical” way. He touches foreheads with you and gently squeezes your heads or he takes your hand and brings it to his foreheads and then squeezes, it’s the gentlest thing and we love it. He has kissed me on occasions where he got in trouble for something and is trying to butter you up but it’s very rare 😂, This punched me in the heart., Ahhh that brought tears to my eyes reading it. My 2 year old still doesn't have hair in the front part of her head even though she has long hair in the back.. I can tell it is starting to cause her anxiety when she is around other kids. I have nocited her anytime she sees any of my hair on the floor and ahe picks it up and tries to put it on her head and she will sit next to me and pull my hair onto her. She doesn't really communicate with words so I don't really know how to explain to her to not worrt about it. Just breaks my heart. I worrt so much of her turning 3 and starting early preschool, I hate that terminology. I'm cheering right now for your daughter, she sounds amazing!!!!, Yeah, I think this is one of those unfortunate areas where certain terminology (e.g., function levels) is more useful to convey concepts to people who are otherwise unfamiliar with ASD discourse, and other terminology (e.g., support levels) are more useful for people who have at least some general prior knowledge about ASD. If you had referenced a support level to me 5 years ago, my eyes probably would've glazed over, or I would have had follow-up questions, but "high- vs. low-" functioning seems pretty intuitive., This. I have a “high functioning” 3 year old who is an arm full. He’s just go go go go Boy Who Cried Wolf go go go go and it’s exhausting. My “low functioning” almost 5 year old is the coolest dude I’ve ever met. He’s so chill, been this way his whole life. Doesn’t mind hanging around watching movies & eating snacks. He also listens *amazingly* and even helps remind 3yo of the rules. Yet anytime I get questions, they’re all aimed toward my oldest. He’s the easy one!!, Haha had to fire one sp because in her young inexperienced head if my child didn't do her activity correctly it was obviously because he couldn't lol so to her he didn't know basic colors he had demonstrated 2 years before. ...um no lady he just doesn't like you or your attitude and its not gonna work out... I want our therapists to believe in him and see his potential...good news is with experience those peeps are getting easier to identify. ., Omg, hearing people say things like a kid should be self contained just makes my blood boil., Aw my heart 🥺 what a sweetie, My boy does the forehead to forehead thing too…so sweet!, Luckily he has an advocate who knows. My son loves everyone. I get people telling me how nice he is to everyone., Legit 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬 cruel punishment to isolate kids, It is! I feel so loved when he does that :)

Safety bed options

My daughter is turning 4 and has been sleeping in her crib with a crib tent. She’s huge for her age and going to outgrow this set up soon. Does anyone recommend any safety beds? I’ve seen a lot about cubby beds. My daughter is an eloper and would definitely sneak out of the house at night if she was not in a safety bed. Would love input. Need to start the process soon. Thank you all. ❤️

Just saw a post someone had great things to say about the Cubby Bed for their 4yo, Can attest for the Cubby bed ours changed our lives and our LO loves it., Thank you!! I was leaning towards cubby. ❤️, Just saw a post someone had great things to say about the Cubby Bed for their 4yo, Can attest for the Cubby bed ours changed our lives and our LO loves it., Thank you!! I was leaning towards cubby. ❤️, Just saw a post someone had great things to say about the Cubby Bed for their 4yo, Can attest for the Cubby bed ours changed our lives and our LO loves it., Thank you!! I was leaning towards cubby. ❤️, Just saw a post someone had great things to say about the Cubby Bed for their 4yo, Can attest for the Cubby bed ours changed our lives and our LO loves it., Thank you!! I was leaning towards cubby. ❤️

Scary news?

I have a 3 yr old and he was diagnosed with level 3 autism. He has really bad night terrors so took him to a neurologist, and they wanted to check for seizures so they got him an EEG. His EEG came back abnormal. apparently the left side of his brain is “abnormally slower” they want to get MRI testing to see clear pictures of his brain to make sure there isn’t something in his head like “a tumor or another abnormality that could be causing this” ? The doctor also said that it could be a possibility that he could’ve developed this abnormality in utero as well ? So “ not to worry until we get his MRI results”. But his brain scans always came back clear during my pregnancy with him? Has anyone dealt with anything like this???? I don’t even know what to think. I’m just waiting for the call so I can get his MRI scheduled.

We have this and the mri was cancelled during covid then we lost insurance. Not a tumor though based on a CT he had, I know it’s really scary but don’t stress yourself waiting for results (easier said than done- I know). I used to cry myself to sleep and it’s just too much stress. Take one step at a time and just wait for the result. There’s a lot of things that could come up. I said this bc I had so much stress that it was unhealthy for me. For me, it was due to my kiddo’s brain and might had to do surgery. We end up ok and hope yours will be too!, @OP: Can I ask, did your little one struggle with the EEG on their head? My daughter was just scheduled for an EEG to figure out if she has Epilepsy. She hates anything on her head and km terrified its not gonna go well. Also; sorry for the stress your going through right now. The waiting is killer. When I was pregnant with my little one the XRay technician told me they found something in my original xrays in my daughters brain and heart that could be DS or something else and i had to redo them. Not that anything would have been wrong if my child did show signs of those but it was just so unexpected, I fell apart until I got them redone. My husband filed a grievance with the hospital because of all the anguish i felt and a lab tech shouldn’t have said any of that to me. My only advice to you: is be kind to yourself until you have the results. Your not alone💗, This happened to us. My 2 yo son had two febrile seizures. After the second he was admitted. EEG showed slowing and spikes on his right temporal lobe. MRI was negative. The doctor said he wants to do another EEG to confirm those findings. If the slowing is still there, he will start meds. Not looking forward to going through another EEG, the first one was a fucking nightmare, That must’ve been scary, I’m sorry that happened. Your comment definitely eased my worries a bit, thank you! Can I ask what ended up happening or Did they ever say why he might’ve had that?, I’m sorry you had to go through that but I definitely feel you! Thank you 💛, My son, too! He absolutely hated it. They do a lot of measuring and marking around the head before they put the wires on so it takes a while and they have to be still. I would definitely recommend having someone with you if that’s something you think you might have trouble with. But thank you for the advice, waiting around really is hell. I hope everything works out for you guys too! 🫶🏼, No and I wish we knew but since he is improving and it's been well four years they don't think tumor. I wish I could get an MRI fuck insurance, Thank you so much for that - I just asked her godmother to accompany me. My daughter is so strong for a 4.5 old. I hope you find some peaceful breaths soon and that everything works out for your little one too! 🥰, We have this and the mri was cancelled during covid then we lost insurance. Not a tumor though based on a CT he had, I know it’s really scary but don’t stress yourself waiting for results (easier said than done- I know). I used to cry myself to sleep and it’s just too much stress. Take one step at a time and just wait for the result. There’s a lot of things that could come up. I said this bc I had so much stress that it was unhealthy for me. For me, it was due to my kiddo’s brain and might had to do surgery. We end up ok and hope yours will be too!, @OP: Can I ask, did your little one struggle with the EEG on their head? My daughter was just scheduled for an EEG to figure out if she has Epilepsy. She hates anything on her head and km terrified its not gonna go well. Also; sorry for the stress your going through right now. The waiting is killer. When I was pregnant with my little one the XRay technician told me they found something in my original xrays in my daughters brain and heart that could be DS or something else and i had to redo them. Not that anything would have been wrong if my child did show signs of those but it was just so unexpected, I fell apart until I got them redone. My husband filed a grievance with the hospital because of all the anguish i felt and a lab tech shouldn’t have said any of that to me. My only advice to you: is be kind to yourself until you have the results. Your not alone💗, This happened to us. My 2 yo son had two febrile seizures. After the second he was admitted. EEG showed slowing and spikes on his right temporal lobe. MRI was negative. The doctor said he wants to do another EEG to confirm those findings. If the slowing is still there, he will start meds. Not looking forward to going through another EEG, the first one was a fucking nightmare, That must’ve been scary, I’m sorry that happened. Your comment definitely eased my worries a bit, thank you! Can I ask what ended up happening or Did they ever say why he might’ve had that?, I’m sorry you had to go through that but I definitely feel you! Thank you 💛, My son, too! He absolutely hated it. They do a lot of measuring and marking around the head before they put the wires on so it takes a while and they have to be still. I would definitely recommend having someone with you if that’s something you think you might have trouble with. But thank you for the advice, waiting around really is hell. I hope everything works out for you guys too! 🫶🏼, No and I wish we knew but since he is improving and it's been well four years they don't think tumor. I wish I could get an MRI fuck insurance, Thank you so much for that - I just asked her godmother to accompany me. My daughter is so strong for a 4.5 old. I hope you find some peaceful breaths soon and that everything works out for your little one too! 🥰, We have this and the mri was cancelled during covid then we lost insurance. Not a tumor though based on a CT he had, I know it’s really scary but don’t stress yourself waiting for results (easier said than done- I know). I used to cry myself to sleep and it’s just too much stress. Take one step at a time and just wait for the result. There’s a lot of things that could come up. I said this bc I had so much stress that it was unhealthy for me. For me, it was due to my kiddo’s brain and might had to do surgery. We end up ok and hope yours will be too!, @OP: Can I ask, did your little one struggle with the EEG on their head? My daughter was just scheduled for an EEG to figure out if she has Epilepsy. She hates anything on her head and km terrified its not gonna go well. Also; sorry for the stress your going through right now. The waiting is killer. When I was pregnant with my little one the XRay technician told me they found something in my original xrays in my daughters brain and heart that could be DS or something else and i had to redo them. Not that anything would have been wrong if my child did show signs of those but it was just so unexpected, I fell apart until I got them redone. My husband filed a grievance with the hospital because of all the anguish i felt and a lab tech shouldn’t have said any of that to me. My only advice to you: is be kind to yourself until you have the results. Your not alone💗, This happened to us. My 2 yo son had two febrile seizures. After the second he was admitted. EEG showed slowing and spikes on his right temporal lobe. MRI was negative. The doctor said he wants to do another EEG to confirm those findings. If the slowing is still there, he will start meds. Not looking forward to going through another EEG, the first one was a fucking nightmare, That must’ve been scary, I’m sorry that happened. Your comment definitely eased my worries a bit, thank you! Can I ask what ended up happening or Did they ever say why he might’ve had that?, I’m sorry you had to go through that but I definitely feel you! Thank you 💛, My son, too! He absolutely hated it. They do a lot of measuring and marking around the head before they put the wires on so it takes a while and they have to be still. I would definitely recommend having someone with you if that’s something you think you might have trouble with. But thank you for the advice, waiting around really is hell. I hope everything works out for you guys too! 🫶🏼, No and I wish we knew but since he is improving and it's been well four years they don't think tumor. I wish I could get an MRI fuck insurance, Thank you so much for that - I just asked her godmother to accompany me. My daughter is so strong for a 4.5 old. I hope you find some peaceful breaths soon and that everything works out for your little one too! 🥰, We have this and the mri was cancelled during covid then we lost insurance. Not a tumor though based on a CT he had, I know it’s really scary but don’t stress yourself waiting for results (easier said than done- I know). I used to cry myself to sleep and it’s just too much stress. Take one step at a time and just wait for the result. There’s a lot of things that could come up. I said this bc I had so much stress that it was unhealthy for me. For me, it was due to my kiddo’s brain and might had to do surgery. We end up ok and hope yours will be too!, @OP: Can I ask, did your little one struggle with the EEG on their head? My daughter was just scheduled for an EEG to figure out if she has Epilepsy. She hates anything on her head and km terrified its not gonna go well. Also; sorry for the stress your going through right now. The waiting is killer. When I was pregnant with my little one the XRay technician told me they found something in my original xrays in my daughters brain and heart that could be DS or something else and i had to redo them. Not that anything would have been wrong if my child did show signs of those but it was just so unexpected, I fell apart until I got them redone. My husband filed a grievance with the hospital because of all the anguish i felt and a lab tech shouldn’t have said any of that to me. My only advice to you: is be kind to yourself until you have the results. Your not alone💗, This happened to us. My 2 yo son had two febrile seizures. After the second he was admitted. EEG showed slowing and spikes on his right temporal lobe. MRI was negative. The doctor said he wants to do another EEG to confirm those findings. If the slowing is still there, he will start meds. Not looking forward to going through another EEG, the first one was a fucking nightmare, That must’ve been scary, I’m sorry that happened. Your comment definitely eased my worries a bit, thank you! Can I ask what ended up happening or Did they ever say why he might’ve had that?, I’m sorry you had to go through that but I definitely feel you! Thank you 💛, My son, too! He absolutely hated it. They do a lot of measuring and marking around the head before they put the wires on so it takes a while and they have to be still. I would definitely recommend having someone with you if that’s something you think you might have trouble with. But thank you for the advice, waiting around really is hell. I hope everything works out for you guys too! 🫶🏼, No and I wish we knew but since he is improving and it's been well four years they don't think tumor. I wish I could get an MRI fuck insurance, Thank you so much for that - I just asked her godmother to accompany me. My daughter is so strong for a 4.5 old. I hope you find some peaceful breaths soon and that everything works out for your little one too! 🥰

School

Does anyone else Child with Autism get written up & suspended from school because of bad behavior??? I feel like that’s so crazy. Is that normal ?

I mean... Bad behavior is bad behavior. Being autistic doesn't make a person a good student, a good listener, or automatically not a jerk to teacher/classmates. Having an IEP in place helps with getting accommodations that will hopefully nip a lot of the involuntary meltdowns/sensory issues, for what it's worth. Making sure the teachers are following the IEP and otherwise advocating for the kid, though, that's all on us. :-/, Yes. My son is terrible at school. I’m so tired., Yeah, my daughter is 7 ( level 2, AuADHD) Almost everyday she has bad behavior at school. It really is so tiring. I know it’s bc they are putting certain demands in her, but she doesn’t care. It’s not from lack of trying, she’s disciplined at home, and usually always pleasant minus a few meltdowns here and there., Has the school presented a Behavioral Intervention Plan in their IEP? Does your child have an IEP? Seems like the school isn’t doing something right if none of these are being implemented. If you need more support, you can find an advocate who knows the laws about when following an IEP and making sure your child gets their needs met. https://childmind.org/article/what-is-a-behavior-intervention-plan/, Yes. My son is 8 and has put his hands on numerous children and is on the road to suspension. I have had three IEP meetings, this school year alone, trying to fix the issues and get him the support he needs to succeed in a public school. If these supports do not help, and the behavior continues to endanger his peers, then I have to find a specialized school for him. None of it is “fair” and I’m exhausted and overwhelmed, I know he is exhausted and overwhelmed, and these struggles will be with us indefinitely., Is the “bad behavior” just the meltdowns or is there something more? I used to get called to get my kid (now 18) from school in elementary and middle because he would have bad meltdowns where he would tear down and throw things. He was great at home and no meltdowns but he was being bullied a lot in school because of his meltdowns which fully triggered him even more. He was a sweet kid and has a great sense of humor. I understand it was a safety issue for the others but the school did nothing about his triggers (bullying from other kids)., I’m a teacher and yes. It’s unfair but we are stretched too thin. No time to sit down with a kid who’s behaving badly and work through it, gotta move on for the sake of the others., If he has a dx and he's getting suspended, he needs a behavior plan, and if the school can't serve him, your district is required to fund a suitable replacement, such as a nonpublic school that serve kids with DD ., Yes, this can happen, but know your child’s rights (I assume they’re in your school’s Special Education program). If the disciplinary consequence constitutes a “change of placement”, there are procedural steps that legally have to occur (such as an MDR). [This website is not comprehensive but it’s enough to get you started](https://kidslegal.org/special-education-discipline-suspensions-and-expulsions). All assuming you’re in the US., Agree with your point that bad behaviour, OP maybe thinking there should be some leniency for their child due to autism. There shouldn’t! Some IEP are unrealistic, the responsibility of a teacher is already at its full capacity. Teachers have 29 other students to educate, if you want special treatment for your child send them to a special needs school. Seriously shocks me how much parents blame teachers for their child mis behaviour. Their teachers, not correctional officers., IEPs certainly are! Which is why it's up to the parents to push for stuff like aides in the high support needs cases. But, yeah. It's up to the parents to train their kids to jump in appropriate jumping situations, so to speak.

School

Hi there. I apologize in advance if this is a bit all over the place and long. I have a 5 year old autistic son. He is currently in his third year of school. (2 years of pre-k, this year kindergarten.) His first year of pre k was extremely rough. He was put in a classroom with a teacher who didn’t understand him. She would send home behavior charts with all frowning faces everyday, and had generally crazy reasons for the behavior charts. One being he put too much bagel in his mouth at lunch, another being he “purposefully stuck his foot out to trip her” (he was 3 lol). Anyway this went on all year no matter how many times we had meetings, we tried to reinforce positive behavior at home , but he wasn’t having any negative behaviors at home to even correct on. He’d cry walking into school every morning, say the teacher was mean, etc. I eventually finally got the district to move him, and he was moved to a different school. As soon as he moved he thrived. His second year of pre-k was a huge success. His language flourished, he made friends, he LOVED school. Walked in with a smile on his face, and would always come home saying how much fun he had, and it showed. By end of year he had made so much progress , and we were so blown away and proud of him. Sadly my husband is military, and we had to move states for kindergarten. He started kindergarten at his new school this year, and was placed in a moderate to severe classroom which wasn’t fitting for him. We were working on getting him more gen-Ed time, and possibly a mild-mod setting. He was thriving at school even in the wrong setting with amazing notes home everyday, everyone telling us how sweet and loving he was. Sadly we had to switch schools again about two months in again due to his older sister needing a different setting not offered at their old school, and having them at two different schools wasn’t possible due to transportation and scheduling of the schools. Ever since his first day at his new school he’s struggled. It’s like we stepped back into the first pre k class he had. Bad notes home everyday with behaviors we haven’t seen before. Screaming and crying when we take him to school saying he doesn’t want to go and doesn’t like school (he normally loves school). Teacher saying he’s shoving kids to the ground, ripping up worksheets, yelling, telling kids to get away from him. We are so confused. We are trying to give it time but it’s been over a month, and it just seems to be getting worse day by day. The teacher isn’t very communicative when we ask what we can do to support, and this morning when I dropped him off I mentioned him having a bad morning (he said he didn’t want to go to school and he wanted to go home with me) and she just sighed and said “ok.” He’s not sleeping at night saying he’s scared which is new. He’s afraid of other kids getting near him now even in public settings. This is behavior we have never seen. My husband and I feel incredibly lost, and aren’t even sure what to ask the school for. But my gut feeling is so negative, and I just feel like somethings happening to make my kiddo do a 180. Has anyone experienced this before? Should I meet with someone at the school? Ask for a placement change to a new room? I’m not sure if that’s even realistic. Any advice is welcome. ♥️

Go with your gut! It sounds to me like something is going on.

School Situation

My daughter is a bright, fun, enthusiastic 10 yr old. She has ADHD and is Autistic. She flourishes academically for the most part. We have trouble with emotional reactions sometimes. Well, she isn't liked much at school for her niche interests and bold personality. Kids say rude and mean things to her so she has these big reactions and she ends up in trouble. Some of the students do this regularly. Quietly do something and as she's having this huge reaction, they slink into the shadows, never receiving any reprimand for bullying, while I'm in a meeting about her behavior. She has an IEP and I'm taking all the right steps. Well, she had a bit of an irregular reaction to something, and wrote down all of the people she hated on a list. The title of the list was a bit disturbing, and it required the school to call the crisis counsellor and my daughter wasn't allowed back at school until she was evaled at a crisis unit at a hospital. Fast-forward, the hospital suggested she stay out of school for a while. I had a meeting with the school, and they don't even want her to come back to school. Talked to a classmates mother, and they said they had a "class meeting" where essentially, they talked about the matter in detail and "took a vote" of sorts. They decided as a class they didn't feel safe around her. THEY don't feel safe around HER. Even though they're tripping her on the playground, call her fat and a loser, one kid called her a cow. The "mean girls" took pics and videos of her at a dance. This has been escalating since the second grade and she's now in 5th. The school is passing it off as an opportunity to go to an emotional support room in another school. My child was bullied to the point of "crisis" but yet she's the one being punished all the time. I am at a loss of what to do next. I have never had to deal with this type of situation and I am just so damn lost. My only thoughts are what can I do to help protect my daughter and get justice for what has happened to her. She is so confused and asking so many questions that I don't have answers to. I am also very afraid. This situation that should have been kept quiet was not. She was shamed out of her school. She starts middle school next year. But these kids will never forget what she did and I'm afraid for her future. The quiet bullying in the locker rooms. Points, stares, whispers. And there will always be the bold few that just say shitty shit to her face. This is the type of situation that kids will never forget or let her forget. I feel as though I just need to pull her from this school district all together and give her someplace she can start fresh. Someplace she can go and be safe and loved. I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing and I don't know if reddit is the right place for this, but I'm begging someone kind out there, please help me in a gentle way. I just want to help her...

My daughter just started school this year, so i dont have perspective or ideas from there. But i myself was bullied relentlessly and brutally to the point of 2 suicide attempts between the ages of 10-13. School where i live is elementary (kindergarten to grade 8) and secondary school (grade 9 to 12). When i started secondary school, i went to the most libral and artsy school, and suddenly, i was no longer builled. A lot of kids had similar niche interests, there were tons of neurodivergent kids, and the whole atmosphere was different. I know you said she's starting middleshool soon so id look at what options of schools you have there. As well as threapy threapy threapy! I wouldn't send her back to that school even if they were begging with open arms! If homeschooling is possible until middleschool, i would do that, but that's not feesable for everyone. I wish you and your daughter the best! 🫂, Just to clarify- it sounds like the list was interpreted as a “hit list” or threat of violence, correct?, ok I am going to get a LOT hate for that.. but here I go... as a special educater (in germany not the usa so what we learn differs A LOT) WITH ADHD and one kid with ADHD and one with ADS Children NEVER bully out of a vaccum.. its ALLWAYS the adults.. they want to INCLUDE special need kids so bad and force them on others.. who are not able to deal with that .. its just over there head.. and its to much to ask..your kid may disrupt them.. and violate there boundarys! all the time. Those kids are not able to help themself are told to "accept" or "ignore" it .. and therefore ...seek revange. Of course thats not cool.. but its the job off those kid caretakers to keep the others safe.. to take care there bounderys are safe... if they do not... shit happens..... so therefore.. you do not have many options.. find IEP teacher who does there work to keep her safe (and the other kids too, ) .. homeschool her... changing the school district wont help you if you do not work on the root problem.. the "list" is a other problem.. thats how school shooting happens I get that the class does not feel safe... and please try to find some emphatie for the "other side" those are kids too.. who are in a hopeless situation .. having to deal with someone they are not educated for and development ready... 8 hours a day, I think your instincts are right and she needs to be out of there and I mean out of the school district. It’s not a good fit and they do not or will not support your daughter. Do whatever you need to keep your daughter safe mentally and emotionally. Can she do online school? Can you transfer districts? I lived in WA where the services were so limited to AZ where you have school choice and specialized ASD schools (free) just more options and so many online schools options. I get moving isn’t the answer for most but a big change may be needed., Public school is brutal now days if u don’t conform. Middle school is especially brutal for girls at least in the south. I have 2 autistic daughters. One who graduates 8th grade this is year and she is constantly bullied. She can be quite overbearing and a bit rough. This can definitely be hard for other people to handle. She lives with my ex and she is also rough. My younger daughter is also 10 has more severe ASD then my older daughter but actually is thriving at public school in MD and gets so much support. U need to find the best school district u can and get her in to there. The class divide is real. Best of luck., If you are in a public school it’s is illegal to take a class vote to move your child. You need to contact your school district and enact your child’s title 10 rights. If you get push back you need to go the state office. Should your child have made the list - no , but should any of the stuff have happened to your kid to push them to that point . Hell no., Do you have a lawyer, not an advocate but a lawyer, advising during your iep meetings and interactions with the school? Document everything. Every call, conversation, interaction, promise, etc. If the school is singularly focusing on your daughter without focusing on the cause of her emotional dysregulation (the bullies), they aren't doing right by anyone here. Speak softly, carry a big stick., Thank you for your kind response and sharing your story with me. I was also bullied a lot. I was the smelly kid that violently shat themselves in the 3rd grade so I have firsthand experience in knowing that these kids will never forget. I am currently looking into her options of a starting a new school next year (here where I am it's elementary k-5, middle 6-8 and high school 9-12) We will be finishing 5th grade virtually, and hopefully getting her into a district close to us, or we have to either continue virtual, or move. She has an older brother (13) and a cousin (17) that lives with us. I just need to let her cousin graduate (as she has her own battles, and it would devastating if we made her finish highschool at a brand new school. Her mom just died of an overdose, her dad is in prison and her grandmother is a codependent narcissist that used her power of manipulative persuasion relentlessly) I only want to bring peace and normalcy for these guys. Thanks again, I was afraid to write that, but yes, that's exactly what she titled it ..., No hate from my end, I definitely see what your saying. I know what she did wasn't okay, and I do see that the other kids may not feel safe. I guess I was a bit emotional thinking how the bullies would find my kiddo unsafe. But I do see how the other kids would feel. It makes me so so sad that it had to come to this because if they just got to know her a little... Her classroom is a mixed classroom (IEP and non IEP students). Every single interaction she's had where she has had a big reactions has always come down to it being her fault. Thank you for your response., I like your point about educating the kids about how the special needs student may violate their boundaries and that the care takers (teachers) are there to protect them too. The bullying and escalation cycle may be lessened if the needs of the kids are positioned as important and heard vs them just being asked to accept the needs of the special needs student. Both are valid. To OP, I admire your steadfastness support for your daughter. I’m sorry that she’s going through this. It must be very hard for her suffering to be overlooked because of this recent incident. Surely, if she had threatened suicide, the bullying would be seen as the cause, instead of overshadowed by her threat. A fresh start sounds like a big undertaking but perhaps best for her. I do not know but I do sense your strength will propel you and her forward. I wish you good luck ❤️, I'm in PA, we have 2 virtual schools that I know of here. K-12 and PAcyber. We have intentions of moving, but we would like our niece that lives with us to finish high school here. Come next fall she will be a senior. I know that my daughter's situation may hold some precedence over my niece, but my niece has been through too much for me to ask her to start a brand new school for 12th grade. Her mom just died of an OD, her father's in prison, and while in her grandmother's care, has seen and heard too much dysfunction. Like, watching her dad beat her brothers mother, helping her grandmom weigh out weed baggies, had continuous lice from the ages of 5-11 type of dysfunction. We got her at 11 and was able to remove my mother in law from the picture 2 years ago and she is now on honor roll. From Ds and Fs to honor roll. So her finishing high school here is, imo, just as important. I'm looking into the other local public schools to see if they would be willing to accept my daughter, just for the 6th grade year, so we can relocate and start new. Thanks so much for your comment, I doubt it’s a formal class vote- and more that the parents found out there was a threat in their classroom and went to the administrators together to advocate. In my school district a middle schooler threatened to shoot another child (specifically named) and they were going to allow her back with no precautions until the other parents spoke up and pushed back. It did end happily- the girls parents did confirm they had guns in the house, and the guns were moved and she was given mental health supports needed, but often (like with that 6 year old that shot his teacher) if parents don’t make noise schools don’t ignore the issue., I was using the terms loosely, I apologize. I guess it was more to see how the kids were feeling about the situation, and rightfully, they are afraid. I'm afraid that they used that in their decision to move her to a new school to finish 5th grade (school here ends in June, so we are almost done) they failed her in ever way possible. I just don't know if there is anything I can do. I dont want to sue or anything like that, but something needs to be done., If I could afford one, I would love one. I have copies of all IEPs, meetings, dates and times. Every single time I was called to a meeting, with an acception of one instance I can think of, it was about her big reaction to a problem someone else caused. A kid tripped her purposely, laughed at her, she chased him (he was much quicker) made it back into school and slipped away, all while she was having a reaction, then told the principal he didn't do it. They believed him and reprimanded her for what she did. Her reactions just started getting bigger this school year, as the instances she's been going through have been tougher. For lack of a better term, she's tired of the bullshit and was trying to defend herself. I agree wholeheartedly they aren't doing right by anyone., I say this with love, and I know it’s breaking your heart right now, but this is past an “irregular reaction.” I believe you when you say your daughter has been bullied. But there have been 74 adults and children shot in schools in the US in the past 4 months. It’s understandable that the other parents want to ensure their children’s safety too. It would be wrong for the school to take any situations like this lightly. I assume given the bullying your daughter has been in therapy for a while already- which is good. That means she has a relationship with a therapist already established to work with her on whatever comes next, and her therapist may be able to advocate for her better because it isn’t someone new to the situation. I agree that a fresh start at a new school may be what’s best- as long as her mental health team agrees and thinks she’s ready for that and that her medical team can support her to safely start a new school (though I don’t know what the policy is- I assume they don’t just shuffle around students when this happens and there needs to be a safety plan in place.), yeah thats it. I always worked like that (and offert "fun activitys" the non IEP kids could join (2-3 of them) so everybody wanted to join us that helped the IEP kid ALOT because they could make friends... (but germany is different so I do not know if that would be possible) I never had someone bully my IEP Kids... they where alway popular (because they where the way out of boring school stuff into "fun learning experiences" ), I totally get that and it makes a lot of sense. You have a lot on your plate and you are making good decisions. Wishing you the best!!, If your child's school is a public school, they are required by law to provide a "free and appropriate education" or FAPE. I'm not an expert, but my understanding is if the district cannot meet FAPE, they are required to pay full costs for a private placement at a school that can meet the child's needs (often therapeutic). When you say "she was placed in a new school," what kind of school is it? Is it a therapeutic school or just another school in the district? You might have a case if she's just at another district school or doing e-learning at home. There really aren't enough details in your post to determine if you need an educational lawyer. What I would recommend is to find an educational advocate and explain the situation. These people specialize in understanding the implementation and execution of IEPs and often can refer you to an education lawyer if necessary. There are some free ones, but most require you to pay. See if you can find a reputable one who gives free consultions. From personal experience, the district will treat you much more seriously if you have an advocate because they can no longer use your ignorance of the IEP process against you. It was money well spent fot my child. Sending you so much ❤️., Thank you for your response. The gravity of the situation is clear. I get that. It was not okay for her to do that. They did what they had to do with the situation that was presented to them. I am working with her therapist and the new suggestions that the hospital gave me moving forward. She has an IOP moving forward. It's approx a 3 week waiting list and is currently doing her work at home on paper or virtually (whichever it calls for) the hospital also suggested she stay home until she starts the program. All I know is that I just want to make the best call for her, not involving her current school, as I have decided that instead of keeping her within district that we will start fresh elsewhere., I get that this could be quite nuanced, but outside of the USA, a hit list written by a young child, wouldn't have any connotation of being a planned shooting or similar. I think that's important and not be drawn in to assuming this. Have you asked her what it means and what she was going or more likely would have liked to do with it?, So the school they wanted to send her to is another elementary in the district that has more supports in place for emotional needs. It isn't a specialty school, just one with more supports. At the hospital they gave me a lot of resources for outside help, one of them being my counties advocacy and resource organization. I have reached out to them, but I'm still waiting on a response. I did ultimately decide on pulling her from the district at the end of the school year, and she will finish 5th grade with virtual instruction. If you have any specific questions that I could give you more information on, feel free to message me. Thank you so much for your response. Everyone's responses. This has been very helpful. Your 💚 is received and sending that and much more your way. Thanks so much., My heart is breaking for both of you. I’m old (37, I remember columbine) and in high school a friend of mine got found with a “list.” It was an outcry for help, not a plan of action but it’s still devastating. It sounds like you’re not just going to move schools and hope for the best, but work with her mental health team and give her every support possible- which is wonderful. If every kid this desperate had parents willing to do whatever it takes, give them resources and take it seriously- we’d have a much better and safer world for all of our children., Right there with you, I'm 34 and I can remember the news almost verbatim. And in my heart of hearts that's all it was to her. She desperately just wants someone to see her for her. Someone besides her parents. I knew she has been struggling, but not to that extent, and I'll be damned if this goes unseen. But yeah, that's my plan. To make sure she's okay, to take it one day at a time and pray that I make good calls. I'm trying my very best to do so, but traversing these waters is lonely and scary. Thank you again for your kind response.

School speech life

I have had a very emotional week and for some reason cant shake off negativity however I try..kid is almost 7. Still no much language. Just has repeating behaviour. He can write but comprehension is wip. In school graduation he was only one who was running away. All kids sang and smiled( much younger). Then a relatives new born was responding to sound. Just one of those hopeless week. Sorry to sound like this wanted a supportive group.

Are you feeling frustrated because your child isn’t speaking?, Sorry not frustrated..just sad very sad, I’m so sorry I can understand this. Because we want the best for our kids and don’t want them to feel left out due to their abilities. If it helps, my son is almost 9 and non verbal. He has a few words and can string together 3-4 word sentences., Are you feeling frustrated because your child isn’t speaking?, Sorry not frustrated..just sad very sad, I’m so sorry I can understand this. Because we want the best for our kids and don’t want them to feel left out due to their abilities. If it helps, my son is almost 9 and non verbal. He has a few words and can string together 3-4 word sentences., Are you feeling frustrated because your child isn’t speaking?, Sorry not frustrated..just sad very sad, I’m so sorry I can understand this. Because we want the best for our kids and don’t want them to feel left out due to their abilities. If it helps, my son is almost 9 and non verbal. He has a few words and can string together 3-4 word sentences., Are you feeling frustrated because your child isn’t speaking?, Sorry not frustrated..just sad very sad, I’m so sorry I can understand this. Because we want the best for our kids and don’t want them to feel left out due to their abilities. If it helps, my son is almost 9 and non verbal. He has a few words and can string together 3-4 word sentences.

Screen time

My son is 3 and autistic. He doesn't really engage much when we try to play with him - for example we tried to make cakes the other day, he sat for about 2 minutes then walked away to do his own thing. He has screen time pretty much the whole day and usually only watches things that are educational to him. I get mum guilt from letting him have so much screen time but he just doesn't engage long enough for us to play with him. Only time he tends to give us a bit of time is if we play along side him with cars. Anyone else in the same situation?

Yes very similar situation. Play with toys lasts about 30 seconds then done. Prefers screen time, much to our annoyance but it's incredibly hard to get him to intact with toys. Funnily enough, he had some cousins come round last summer and they were playing with his toys, he didn't care. But it was an eye opener for us as we were like "ah, that's what NT kids do with toys" ,basically play with them for hours. I'd like to interact with him more in regards to playtime, but it's so very very hard., Same problem here..And now it’s all he wants to do so thinking about cutting it off cold turkey because the tantrums when he can’t watch t.v. are getting unbearable., Yes, my three year old has always had a fair amount of screen time. He also likes to play but he enjoys playing one on one with myself or my husband more so than with toys. I feel guilty sometimes too but honestly even with having more screen time than he probably should he has made such amazing progress within the last year. He recently started identifying/labeling letters and numbers and I think what he watches during screen time has probably helped him with this skill. Just play with him when he shows interest and try your best to do activities with him. Try not to feel too guilty, you obviously love him very much. We are all just doing our best., Oh man, I drove myself nuts over screen time and made myself feel SO GUILTY, especially around that age. My son has never been into independent play but he can easily occupy himself watching videos or playing video games. If I offer to play a physical game with him or do like something from a sensory diet he is usually willing. So it's a mix of screen time and focused play with mom or dad mostly. For what it's worth, Ive been told that: 1.) screen time can be very regulating for autistic kids 2.) most of the "scary" studies on the dangers of screen time were done for NT kids not ND kids 3.) the screen time fear is mostly that you won't be socializing with your child and letting TV "raise them". So when I can I chat with him about what he is watching and watch together, play video games together, etc. And when I look back at my own 90s childhood, dang did I watch A LOT of animal planet and TLC. Not many people counted screen time hours back then. And I turned out mostly functional and with a very vast knowledge on animals. 😆 If you need permission to not feel guilty, this is it. Otherwise, my best advice would be to find your kids favorite thing to do and engage in that with them. I found that I often had to "direct" the play at that age. And I nearly lost my voice making all his stuffed animals talk. 😆 All said and done I'm sure you're doing a great job and the fact that it's even on your radar means you care a lot., We had that this evening. Not allowed TV in the weekdays, just weekends. Thkugh has access to tablet during the week. Went ballistic when wasnt allowed TV after school. Think we will have to reduce screen time to get him to engage in other stuff. Its our own fault. So tired after a day of work, that its hard to find the energy to argue with them especially when they are done aftwr 30 seconds of play. Will add i spoke a paedritician recently, and she said its not just ASD children but also NT children wanting lots of screen time. She said that we should put our electronic devices away when he comes home after school, basically set an example to him. Easier said than done., I'm really interested in your first point about screen time being regulating. I find it is true and have heard it mentioned, too, but I cannot find a study to back it up. Do you happen to have one? Everything I find is very "scary" talking about how screen time makes autism worse or something, but I don't find that to be the case in my son's life. But we also watch and play stuff together, so maybe that's the difference. Signed, a child of the 80s who probably watched even more TV than you did, and definitely not educational lol, but ask me anything about Muppet Babies . . ., I'm not aware of a study currently, but this article raises some interesting points. https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/studies-investigating-link-between-screen-time-and-autism-must-improve/ Kind of a correlation does not equal causation thing. Autistic kids tend to engage in more screen time (and it's pretty self explanatory as to why... Social difficulties, sensory overwhelm, etc) My experience is totally anecdotal but once I stopped being a stringent regulator of screen time life greatly improved. 😅, Completely agree on all points. I've also seen that article and would love it if more healthcare providers considered correlation |= causation. Thanks!, Yes very similar situation. Play with toys lasts about 30 seconds then done. Prefers screen time, much to our annoyance but it's incredibly hard to get him to intact with toys. Funnily enough, he had some cousins come round last summer and they were playing with his toys, he didn't care. But it was an eye opener for us as we were like "ah, that's what NT kids do with toys" ,basically play with them for hours. I'd like to interact with him more in regards to playtime, but it's so very very hard., Same problem here..And now it’s all he wants to do so thinking about cutting it off cold turkey because the tantrums when he can’t watch t.v. are getting unbearable., Yes, my three year old has always had a fair amount of screen time. He also likes to play but he enjoys playing one on one with myself or my husband more so than with toys. I feel guilty sometimes too but honestly even with having more screen time than he probably should he has made such amazing progress within the last year. He recently started identifying/labeling letters and numbers and I think what he watches during screen time has probably helped him with this skill. Just play with him when he shows interest and try your best to do activities with him. Try not to feel too guilty, you obviously love him very much. We are all just doing our best., Oh man, I drove myself nuts over screen time and made myself feel SO GUILTY, especially around that age. My son has never been into independent play but he can easily occupy himself watching videos or playing video games. If I offer to play a physical game with him or do like something from a sensory diet he is usually willing. So it's a mix of screen time and focused play with mom or dad mostly. For what it's worth, Ive been told that: 1.) screen time can be very regulating for autistic kids 2.) most of the "scary" studies on the dangers of screen time were done for NT kids not ND kids 3.) the screen time fear is mostly that you won't be socializing with your child and letting TV "raise them". So when I can I chat with him about what he is watching and watch together, play video games together, etc. And when I look back at my own 90s childhood, dang did I watch A LOT of animal planet and TLC. Not many people counted screen time hours back then. And I turned out mostly functional and with a very vast knowledge on animals. 😆 If you need permission to not feel guilty, this is it. Otherwise, my best advice would be to find your kids favorite thing to do and engage in that with them. I found that I often had to "direct" the play at that age. And I nearly lost my voice making all his stuffed animals talk. 😆 All said and done I'm sure you're doing a great job and the fact that it's even on your radar means you care a lot., We had that this evening. Not allowed TV in the weekdays, just weekends. Thkugh has access to tablet during the week. Went ballistic when wasnt allowed TV after school. Think we will have to reduce screen time to get him to engage in other stuff. Its our own fault. So tired after a day of work, that its hard to find the energy to argue with them especially when they are done aftwr 30 seconds of play. Will add i spoke a paedritician recently, and she said its not just ASD children but also NT children wanting lots of screen time. She said that we should put our electronic devices away when he comes home after school, basically set an example to him. Easier said than done., I'm really interested in your first point about screen time being regulating. I find it is true and have heard it mentioned, too, but I cannot find a study to back it up. Do you happen to have one? Everything I find is very "scary" talking about how screen time makes autism worse or something, but I don't find that to be the case in my son's life. But we also watch and play stuff together, so maybe that's the difference. Signed, a child of the 80s who probably watched even more TV than you did, and definitely not educational lol, but ask me anything about Muppet Babies . . ., I'm not aware of a study currently, but this article raises some interesting points. https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/studies-investigating-link-between-screen-time-and-autism-must-improve/ Kind of a correlation does not equal causation thing. Autistic kids tend to engage in more screen time (and it's pretty self explanatory as to why... Social difficulties, sensory overwhelm, etc) My experience is totally anecdotal but once I stopped being a stringent regulator of screen time life greatly improved. 😅, Completely agree on all points. I've also seen that article and would love it if more healthcare providers considered correlation |= causation. Thanks!, Yes very similar situation. Play with toys lasts about 30 seconds then done. Prefers screen time, much to our annoyance but it's incredibly hard to get him to intact with toys. Funnily enough, he had some cousins come round last summer and they were playing with his toys, he didn't care. But it was an eye opener for us as we were like "ah, that's what NT kids do with toys" ,basically play with them for hours. I'd like to interact with him more in regards to playtime, but it's so very very hard., Same problem here..And now it’s all he wants to do so thinking about cutting it off cold turkey because the tantrums when he can’t watch t.v. are getting unbearable., Yes, my three year old has always had a fair amount of screen time. He also likes to play but he enjoys playing one on one with myself or my husband more so than with toys. I feel guilty sometimes too but honestly even with having more screen time than he probably should he has made such amazing progress within the last year. He recently started identifying/labeling letters and numbers and I think what he watches during screen time has probably helped him with this skill. Just play with him when he shows interest and try your best to do activities with him. Try not to feel too guilty, you obviously love him very much. We are all just doing our best., Oh man, I drove myself nuts over screen time and made myself feel SO GUILTY, especially around that age. My son has never been into independent play but he can easily occupy himself watching videos or playing video games. If I offer to play a physical game with him or do like something from a sensory diet he is usually willing. So it's a mix of screen time and focused play with mom or dad mostly. For what it's worth, Ive been told that: 1.) screen time can be very regulating for autistic kids 2.) most of the "scary" studies on the dangers of screen time were done for NT kids not ND kids 3.) the screen time fear is mostly that you won't be socializing with your child and letting TV "raise them". So when I can I chat with him about what he is watching and watch together, play video games together, etc. And when I look back at my own 90s childhood, dang did I watch A LOT of animal planet and TLC. Not many people counted screen time hours back then. And I turned out mostly functional and with a very vast knowledge on animals. 😆 If you need permission to not feel guilty, this is it. Otherwise, my best advice would be to find your kids favorite thing to do and engage in that with them. I found that I often had to "direct" the play at that age. And I nearly lost my voice making all his stuffed animals talk. 😆 All said and done I'm sure you're doing a great job and the fact that it's even on your radar means you care a lot., We had that this evening. Not allowed TV in the weekdays, just weekends. Thkugh has access to tablet during the week. Went ballistic when wasnt allowed TV after school. Think we will have to reduce screen time to get him to engage in other stuff. Its our own fault. So tired after a day of work, that its hard to find the energy to argue with them especially when they are done aftwr 30 seconds of play. Will add i spoke a paedritician recently, and she said its not just ASD children but also NT children wanting lots of screen time. She said that we should put our electronic devices away when he comes home after school, basically set an example to him. Easier said than done., I'm really interested in your first point about screen time being regulating. I find it is true and have heard it mentioned, too, but I cannot find a study to back it up. Do you happen to have one? Everything I find is very "scary" talking about how screen time makes autism worse or something, but I don't find that to be the case in my son's life. But we also watch and play stuff together, so maybe that's the difference. Signed, a child of the 80s who probably watched even more TV than you did, and definitely not educational lol, but ask me anything about Muppet Babies . . ., I'm not aware of a study currently, but this article raises some interesting points. https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/studies-investigating-link-between-screen-time-and-autism-must-improve/ Kind of a correlation does not equal causation thing. Autistic kids tend to engage in more screen time (and it's pretty self explanatory as to why... Social difficulties, sensory overwhelm, etc) My experience is totally anecdotal but once I stopped being a stringent regulator of screen time life greatly improved. 😅, Completely agree on all points. I've also seen that article and would love it if more healthcare providers considered correlation |= causation. Thanks!, Yes very similar situation. Play with toys lasts about 30 seconds then done. Prefers screen time, much to our annoyance but it's incredibly hard to get him to intact with toys. Funnily enough, he had some cousins come round last summer and they were playing with his toys, he didn't care. But it was an eye opener for us as we were like "ah, that's what NT kids do with toys" ,basically play with them for hours. I'd like to interact with him more in regards to playtime, but it's so very very hard., Same problem here..And now it’s all he wants to do so thinking about cutting it off cold turkey because the tantrums when he can’t watch t.v. are getting unbearable., Yes, my three year old has always had a fair amount of screen time. He also likes to play but he enjoys playing one on one with myself or my husband more so than with toys. I feel guilty sometimes too but honestly even with having more screen time than he probably should he has made such amazing progress within the last year. He recently started identifying/labeling letters and numbers and I think what he watches during screen time has probably helped him with this skill. Just play with him when he shows interest and try your best to do activities with him. Try not to feel too guilty, you obviously love him very much. We are all just doing our best., Oh man, I drove myself nuts over screen time and made myself feel SO GUILTY, especially around that age. My son has never been into independent play but he can easily occupy himself watching videos or playing video games. If I offer to play a physical game with him or do like something from a sensory diet he is usually willing. So it's a mix of screen time and focused play with mom or dad mostly. For what it's worth, Ive been told that: 1.) screen time can be very regulating for autistic kids 2.) most of the "scary" studies on the dangers of screen time were done for NT kids not ND kids 3.) the screen time fear is mostly that you won't be socializing with your child and letting TV "raise them". So when I can I chat with him about what he is watching and watch together, play video games together, etc. And when I look back at my own 90s childhood, dang did I watch A LOT of animal planet and TLC. Not many people counted screen time hours back then. And I turned out mostly functional and with a very vast knowledge on animals. 😆 If you need permission to not feel guilty, this is it. Otherwise, my best advice would be to find your kids favorite thing to do and engage in that with them. I found that I often had to "direct" the play at that age. And I nearly lost my voice making all his stuffed animals talk. 😆 All said and done I'm sure you're doing a great job and the fact that it's even on your radar means you care a lot., We had that this evening. Not allowed TV in the weekdays, just weekends. Thkugh has access to tablet during the week. Went ballistic when wasnt allowed TV after school. Think we will have to reduce screen time to get him to engage in other stuff. Its our own fault. So tired after a day of work, that its hard to find the energy to argue with them especially when they are done aftwr 30 seconds of play. Will add i spoke a paedritician recently, and she said its not just ASD children but also NT children wanting lots of screen time. She said that we should put our electronic devices away when he comes home after school, basically set an example to him. Easier said than done., I'm really interested in your first point about screen time being regulating. I find it is true and have heard it mentioned, too, but I cannot find a study to back it up. Do you happen to have one? Everything I find is very "scary" talking about how screen time makes autism worse or something, but I don't find that to be the case in my son's life. But we also watch and play stuff together, so maybe that's the difference. Signed, a child of the 80s who probably watched even more TV than you did, and definitely not educational lol, but ask me anything about Muppet Babies . . ., I'm not aware of a study currently, but this article raises some interesting points. https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/studies-investigating-link-between-screen-time-and-autism-must-improve/ Kind of a correlation does not equal causation thing. Autistic kids tend to engage in more screen time (and it's pretty self explanatory as to why... Social difficulties, sensory overwhelm, etc) My experience is totally anecdotal but once I stopped being a stringent regulator of screen time life greatly improved. 😅, Completely agree on all points. I've also seen that article and would love it if more healthcare providers considered correlation |= causation. Thanks!

Screen time

My son is 4.5 level 3 ASD he has AAC for communication he uses very well and has been verbally communicating fairly well the past 2 months (mostly echolalia) from age 2-3 he had an iPad and had access to it for videos with no limits. In November 2023 we cut it cold turkey. Last month I fell very very ill because of my chronic illness and with the cold weather we spent lots of time inside watching movies or tv. He’s now been wanting to have the freedom to have videos freely again especially when we’re out of the house. Question: is it wrong for me to limit it at home AND not allow it outside of the home? I feel like this is reasonable because I want to teach him that we have to deal with life and our surroundings when we’re not home, but when we’re home we can relax and unwind, it is our safe place. I’m trying to find new ways for him to keep regulating outside the home when he asks for it. Any advice?

I don't think it's wrong for you to limit it. However, your expectations have to be reasonable. For example, don't go out to dinner for two hours and expect your kid to have no screen time. However, if you do little things here and there perhaps you can build up that tolerance muscle., I don't think it's wrong for you to limit it. However, your expectations have to be reasonable. For example, don't go out to dinner for two hours and expect your kid to have no screen time. However, if you do little things here and there perhaps you can build up that tolerance muscle., I don't think it's wrong for you to limit it. However, your expectations have to be reasonable. For example, don't go out to dinner for two hours and expect your kid to have no screen time. However, if you do little things here and there perhaps you can build up that tolerance muscle., I don't think it's wrong for you to limit it. However, your expectations have to be reasonable. For example, don't go out to dinner for two hours and expect your kid to have no screen time. However, if you do little things here and there perhaps you can build up that tolerance muscle.

Secondary School

Hi, Hoping someone has had a similar experience and can offer some help. Our daughter has just started secondary school and things in general are going ok. This morning however she mentioned that kids in her class have been discussing ‘autistic kids’ and implying that are ‘poorly brained’ Clearly this is an educational issue but how should I advise my daughter handle the situation. She is a proficient masker and these kids would not know she has been diagnosed. She is very much someone who will tackle an issue head on and has called people up on issues before which has led to some additional challenges. She is very passionate and I don’t want to encourage her to just sit back and ignore but I am not sure on how best for her to handle the situation. Any advice? Thanks

Ooh, tough one. I was in a similar boat after starting high school, it’s pretty common seemingly. But I was more than happy to mind my own business and mask, not my duty to educate them, but it seems your daughter is the opposite. I think just talk it out with your daughter and/or bring it up to a teacher :), Yeah she takes educating people, what ever it is about, as her duty! No mention of it after school today so I’ll most likely wait and tackle it if it happens again., Best of luck! :)

Seeking Advice

Hi guys, I’m writing this from a bit of a weird place. I’m a 34 year old Dad of 3 beautiful daughters who i absolutely adore. Right now I feel as though I’ve just realised my youngest daughter who is 4, is possibly autistic. I am completing a psychology degree and I am studying an Autism unit at the moment, also It just so happens that one of the very few tv shows I watch is called Love of the Spectrum, a dating show about people with autism. So it’s definitely been on my mind. As I was dealing with a typical tantrum from my little one, I questioned why she always got upset about the same things I was asking her to do? Then I made a joke about her typical “humming while eating” and then watched her constantly put her fingers in her mouth or sit with her tongue out. Then the thought occurred to me that she has quite a number of very predictable behaviours and reactions to things that I’ve always just thought was her personality or preferences. I started to wonder if any of those types of behaviours were related and if they were signs of autism. I had a look online and in my study notes and realised she meets almost every criteria bar a few. The reason I wrote that I writing from a weird place is because I think I just had a legitimate panic attack in front of my two other daughters. I have not cried that hard since being a child and I am not a man that typically breaks down or even cries much. I didn’t breakdown over the thought that my baby girl was not normal or less than who she has ever been, but my heart has broken for the things she might experience in the future from others. Maybe it’s because I am a father but I haven’t felt that broken for anything before. Just asking for advice on what I’ve just experienced. Am I overthinking things? Is this a typical reaction from parents that first realise? And if it is what do I do now? I just love her more than anything in the world and want what’s best for her.

This is exactly what keeps me up at night. I adore my son and understanding autism has helped me understand him better as well but I worry about how cruel the world is and what life will be like when someday he has to navigate it without me., This is exactly what keeps me up at night. I adore my son and understanding autism has helped me understand him better as well but I worry about how cruel the world is and what life will be like when someday he has to navigate it without me., This is exactly what keeps me up at night. I adore my son and understanding autism has helped me understand him better as well but I worry about how cruel the world is and what life will be like when someday he has to navigate it without me., This is exactly what keeps me up at night. I adore my son and understanding autism has helped me understand him better as well but I worry about how cruel the world is and what life will be like when someday he has to navigate it without me.

Seeking opinions of people who attended ABA as a child

I was looking on a job posting app and noticed there was a job posting that I believe I would qualify for that also pays much better than I'm currently making. The issue is this job is ABA therapy. I am someone who feels very strong about my morals and I wouldn't ever want to do a job that could be harmful to someone. I've heard this therapy is very controversial and can be abusive, but I've also heard some people who were grateful for it. I wanted to get opinions from people who have experienced this therapy, is there a way it can be implemented that would be helpful and not harmful? I know if I don't take the job someone else will and my concern is they will be abusive. Is there a way ABA principles can be implemented that can be helpful without being harmful? I do not wish to partake in anything immoral, but I don't want to pass it up if I could potentially turn it into a good experience for the children.

Here is copy and paste of comments I made below this comment!! They are not all 100% relevent but may be informative I hope at least a little? The importent thing to know is that altogh many people were traumatized by ABA (and there trauma IS real) they were traumatized by a therapy which is almost not even the same therapy any more because ABA was still considered experimental and was unsupervises untill the 2000's and even since then ABA has still made huge improvments in ethics and treatment (even ACT (aceptence and commitemnt therapy) is a "branch" of ABA)!! If you want to read about more ABA experiences (good AND bad) you can serach in the search bar of **SpicyAutism** "ABA" and you will see a lot of posts about it however I suggest not searching on the "Autism" community because a large magority of the people there are self-susspecting (I am not oppsing to that just stating it because it is improtent to know) and thus never got ABA Therapy so are just "echoing" things they have heard and not sharing own experiences if that makes sense? I see that you did post in lots of other autism subreddits and just know that many of these people **WILL** say ABA was traumatic because they are adults and recieved ABA when it was may have still been an abusive therapy! The other importent thing is that pre-2013 only people wit Autistic Disorder diagnosis could get a ABA unless it was private ABA therapy so (a.) they got ABA therapy over 10+ years ago (and ABA has changed so big much since then!!) and (b.) many of those indiviuals are not able to effectivly communicate especially not on the internet!! These days I would say the main problem is not the therapy but the therapist so if the therapist is still using old or outdated methods and does not care much about their clients the ABA will still be bad but so long as ABA is can be is practiced correctly it can be life changing in the best possible way to many people!! In my case at least ABA drasticly *improved* my quality of life and my therapist is so wonderful!! My personal suggestion for you is that you try the job and if you feel it goes against your ethics and morals and feel it is hurting your patients you can leave! I hope this was helpful and I so super appreciate how much you care about the well being of your possibly-future patients you seem like a wonderful person!!! I send you many happy cats 🐈🐈🐈, Widespread ABA is a pretty recent phenomenon. And the methods of practice have changed over the last few decades. Truth be told, there are not that many people who would be able to accurately tell you about their experience in ABA as a child. If they were able to tell you, it doesn’t mean the ABA that they got then is what is practiced now., The important thing, IMO, is to learn the difference between what is abusive ABA and what is not and then determine if the company you're applying to is the good or bad kind. Because there are varieties of both., >ABA can be good or bad!! Just like cognitve behvrial therapy can be good or bad occupational therapy can be good or bad any therapy can be good or bad! Any therapy can be bad if you have an undertrained or wrongly trained or uncaring or misinformed or old therapist!! I am not saying people are not being true about ABA, they aren't!! ABA *did* used to be super bad in a lot of ways but ABA has changed and imporved so much!! Many of the people who share their ABA trauma stories had ABA therapy 10, 15, 20, even 30 or more years ago I am absoutly not saying their trauma is not real!!!!!! But although ABA still does have a lot to learn and do to become the least harmful and the best it can be ABA has changed SO much in the last 10 years and is hoenstly practicly a completely diffrent therapy then it was 20-30 years ago!!! Another importent thing is that **ABA isn't for evreyone and it isn't for all behaiviors** it is most helpful for specific things such as: harmfal and hurtful things and behaviors (self injury or elopment or PICA or biting or aggression or property destruction or throwing things) specfic types of communicational skills (such as learning how to use functional communication learning to ask for things you need or telling people to stop things you don't like them doing with communication instead of behaviors or learning to self advocate even thinsg like expresive and receptive communications skills!!) -other things are better for ST though-learning life tasks and things (such as learning proper hygiene or bathing or showering or brushing teeth or going to the toilet on by self or potty training or learning how to feed oneself learning how to keep attention or when people are older helping them learn to do things like cook and do money work or any other independ living behaviors) or also things like staying on task or leaning how to better cope with transitions and change and learning replecment behaviors and coping skills and helping with emotional regulation and helping learn tools and figure out how you best learn and what helps such as visual schedlues and timers sensory rooms what would be helpful accomadtions for the person!! Often ABA therapists also help with social skills (which can also be addresed by a SLP or Social Skills therapist) and while many autistic (especially level 1's or self suspecting) do not like this it is not bad!! When people say "adressing social skills" it doesn't normally mean in ABA teaching masking or anythnig like that it means teaching child things like not to pet random stranger's hair or learning how to initiate play and interaction (IF the child is intrested) because that knowladeg doesn't come natrually to them sometimes things like learning how to understand body language and expressions and what they mean!! It is NOT teacching the autistic child to mask it is teaching them skills and knowladeg they can apply if they want to! Good ABA therapists will never ever try to force eyecontact or stop stimming behaviors unless it is harmful or use aversives such as vinger sprays!!!!! Good ABA therapists WILL take cues from their clients and if they are upset they will take the behavior as communuication and stop and help the child and do use do things like play games use play based methods engange an autistic person using there special intrest to help teach them gently redirect behaviors learn someones way of communicating use positve reinforcment not negative reinforment!! Also something many people forget is that ABA therapists make a treatment plan which is very very meticulsly documented (or should be if ABA is done right) and the behaviors and skills and goals which will be worked on are all written out and gone over with the parents and ABA team anyweher from one a week to every few months (if it is good ABA) so if parents don't like one of the things being worked on they can ask for it be removed!!! In good ABA parents are always very very invloved! > >Good ABA can be "bad" sometimes though sadly because sometimes even nesccary things can be tramatizing for example, making an autistic person stop doing self injourus behavior stims may possibly could be traumatizing because the autsitic person may very well **need** to do that SIB stim in order to regulate and calm down but it is also **nesaccary** to stop it or at least **reduce it** otherwise the autistic person could get serious injury so in these kind of situations case I feel so bad because either way the person will be hurt! Most of the time though ABA can be bad but it isn't because of the ABA itself typicaly it is because of overworking because sadly often some ABA Therapists and clinics push for waaaaaaayyyyyyyy to much time that is unesccary (I have seen some people say there kids do for example 6-7 days 40-60 hours a week of ABA!!!!!) which is obviosly overworking the child or teen and tiring and is only going to have negative reprecassuons instead of helpful!! In my opinion ABA should *never* be 40 whole hours unless it is urgent thing like kids are getting concussions from SIB or eloping into traffic and even *then* it should only be Intensive ABA for a **SHORT** period of time (under a few months) instead of long term and THEN go down to reasonable amount (10-30 hours a week)!!! If a kid is in school or doing part time ABA should ***never*** be more then 10-20 hours a week of **all the thearpies** they are can are doing therapies combined (I am do in part time school and \~15-20 hours (all therapies **not** just ABA)) but if a kid is not in school still never more then 30 hours a week!! All kids need breaks and any kid doing any therapies should have at least one or two days a week with no therapies because therapy is hard hard work!! The other times ABA can be super duper bad is the BCBA/BCaBA/RBT is not a good therapist or or bad or abusive or not a good fit or is doing wrong things OR because ABA is not the right therapy for someone!!! I am abosutly NOT saying bad ABA therapists don't still exist sometimes because they do!!!! Also or also even Good ABA is basicly fully based of structure and repeidtion which for many autistic people is very soothing and perdictibly but for some it is annoyning and agitating and boring even distressing and there are also still many people who are recieveing ABA therapy *now currently* that will still sadly be traumtized because their ABA therapist used outdated methods or focuesed on modifiying beheaviors that don't NEED to be modfied!!!! Things that may traumatize someone is **BAD** therapist doing things that force somoene to do things such as stopping scripting/echolalia or "quiet hands" "quiet feet" making people to stop stimming making people change their way of communicating for exapmle forcing people to not speak how is comfterble for them or forcing and favoring verbal communication even if AAC would be easier for that person or forcing eye contact or **"blind complience"** (this is HUGELY bad and probably the worst part thing ABA can do because it means autistic people could do things that even bad people tell them to do!!!) even doing things as bad as pressing peoples hands into the table or telling them to sit on there hands to get them to stop stimming or forcing them to mask or imitate people or forcing an autistic person to change up routines or and rituals that bring them comfort to be more "flexible" or making an autistic person engage in there special intrest less is and all of that can be super very distressing and traumatizing! > >**Another importent thing is there are so many diffrent therapies** such as Occupational Therapy (ST) and DIRFloortime and Speech-Languege Therapy (ST/SLT) and Physical Therapy (PT) and Social Skills Therapy and and and Emotional Regulation Training (ERT) and TEACCH and Music/Art/Play Therapy or Animal assited therapy or Positvie Behavioral Supports (PBS) or Relationship Devlopment Intevention (RDI) or Sensory Integratin Therapy (SIT) or Joint attention symbolic play engagement and regulation (JASPER) or Integrated play groups (IPGs) or Social Skills Groups!!! There are also some "Of-shoots" of ABA such as Discrete Trial Training (DTT) or Pivotal Response Training (PRT) or Early intensie behavioral intervntion (EIBI) which is for preschoolers!! For little kids theere are so many diffrent options of early intervention besides ABA such as Early Start Denver Model!! Diffrent ones will work diffrently for diffrent people for some people they will need a combination to help some don't!! So even though ABA can be really good and really hel\[ful it is absolutely ***not*** the only option for autistic people!!!! For example an ABA therapist can try to encourge and model AAC but it is NOT there place to try an teach a child *how* to use an AAC device that is a SLP's job!! Even though some therapies have "overlap" each therapy has diffrent role and purpose and there are actually even more therapies then what I wrote!!!!! Here is a helpful [link](https://autismsociety.org/resources/intervention-and-therapies/) if you want to know about some more types of therapiesc: > >**Other helpful posts** [1.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Autism_Parenting/comments/v3iwyc/a_rundown_of_what_aba_actually_is/) [2.](https://www.reddit.com/r/ABA/comments/pbr5m9/what_is_aba_therapy_really/) [3.](https://www.reddit.com/r/ABA/comments/tx0dx7/why_is_aba_a_good_thing/) [4.](https://www.reddit.com/r/ABA/comments/nslktg/if_not_aba_then_what/) [5.](https://www.reddit.com/r/ABA/comments/rdbt65/do_you_ever_worry_that_you_are_causing_trauma_to/) > >I really really hope my comment was helpful I spent three hours working on make this with my mom so I hope it is clear enough!! I send you all many happy cats 🐈 🐈 🐈 🐈!!, >When it comes to my experience with ABA I have had a combination good and bad because I am a teenager I started ABA over 12 years ago maybe more possible so especially the ABA I has from age 3-5 was not always so good sometimes even very bad because my first ABA Therapist would often put her hand on my chin to force me to look in her eyes and countdown saying "Gooood job Addie!! (In that terrible awful high pitch) countdown with me . Say it with me Addie, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1(I was nonverbal). Try again Addie! Say it with me, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!" and I coudn't because I was completly nonverbal so I would scream because the eye contact hurt and she would say "Addie, use your words please" but also I had almost zero receptive language skills then so I hardly understood what she was even saying but then she would say "Addie. Use your words." but I couldn't use my words and I could hardly even understand words!! And then she would repeat that just to try and make me speak but obviosly that can't work!! When I flapped my hands she would repeat over and over again "quiet hands Addie, quiet hands" and when I was not could not stop flapping my hands she would hold my hands to make me stop and when I would rock she would say "quiet body Adie, quiet body" or simmilar things and once again since I can't control it she would "bear hug" me to help me "calm my body" and would also make me do mindless copying tasks to teach me how to follow instructions and then get frustrated at me when I couldn't (especially because of my poor receptive languege and my extremly poor motor skills)!! And when I went over to get my cat stuffy she would say "Addie, use your words!" but obviosly I couldn't I didn't even have high Tech AAC device until after I left her! She was also helpful in some things (like SIB) but for the most part this ABA therapist was not good at all! I don't think I am traumatised per say I think I was hurt! But I also know there were autistic people who recieved way worse ABA that was very abusive luckily I only started ABA at the very end of it being so bad! I am extremly lucky to have had mainly wonderful good experiences with ABA and I completley aknowladge many people did not an had the oppiste - abusive and traumatic experiences!! I feel so sad for these people and I hope one day they can recover from the trauma and bad. > >Now I want to focus on **Good ABA** because after that ABA therapist I got my new ABA therapist her name is Anna she has been my therapist for almost close 10 years now and she is one of the best best best people I know she really truly cares for me. At the start of every session Anna will ask me which room I would like to be in, and then once we start she goes over the plan for today so I know what to expect and she also makes a viasuals schedules and "first -> then" board for me so that transatitions aren't hard together during our sessions we work on communication (with my AAC device because Anna never forces me to speak ever) and life skills and sometimes we work on practice fine motor skills but that is mainly OT and self injuorus behaviors and aggression! She also helps me with redircting behaviors and replecment behaviors and stratagies to work and we brain storm soultions to problems or challenges I am encouter! She always uses a gentle and soft voice and always asks permission before touching me but also offers it because big squeezy hugs to help me regulate and if I get upset we go over coping stratagies together and she always praises and congratulates me for my successes and accheivments she helps use visual supports and prompts and chaining tasks to teach me tasks she uses modeling and videos and hands on learning to help me learn! Every 20ish minutes we do a short proprioceptive break or movment break or game break whichever one I choose and she has a visual timer she sets so that I am not upset be the transition when we do a movment break and if I need a break in between those times I get to take a berak whenever I want she always encouroges movment breaks throughout our sessions and implements suggestions she has gotten from my OT and ST and my ERT and they do bi-weekly meetings where they discuss my therapy plan so they all understand and agree so for example Anna incorperates proprioceptive and vetsibular input throughout our session and she implements communication stratagies she learned from my speech language therapist and emotional regulation techniques to help me! I also have scripts I like to do and I also like other people to mimic my scripts back and forth like an echo and when I do a script she always partakes in them if I ask her too unless we are in a task we are currently doing and then she will tell echo with me once and then say something like "Okay Addie! Our break is in \_\_ minutes, lets do some more echoing then!" and Anna always only used postive reinforment never negative reinforment! There is even more awesome things about my current ABA therapist that I can add soon but for now thats what I will write is that both in my own experiences and in others I have heard about ABA has changes soooo much the past decade and even more!!! I know many of us autistic people have very "black/white" thinking but the thing is ABA is not "black/white!" I honestly think the name ABA should be changed because now it is almost a completly diffrent therapy then it used to be!! I would like to say though that the ABA I do is *not* just OT being called ABA because although it does have a lot of "overlap" I also do occupational therapy so I do know they are diffrent therapies and diffrent methods although some of the stratagies are the same and since my ABA and OT meet with each other they do implement each others stratagies! I think the biggest aspect of that is simmilar in ABA and OT is life skills and for life skills I feel my OT works more on the motor and cordiantion part bit and my BCBA works more on the cognitve/rote memorization spect and helps with creating promps and visual instructions to better help me understabd how to do a skill! I hope that makes sense what I mean? I also want to add another thing because I saw someone making a comment that people said 'because they had negative expereince with ABA they are not HSN'. I am so super sorry someone said that to you because **THAT IS NOT TRUE!** I think it is the oppisite more high needs autistic people *WERE* abused by ABA because they are not always able to advocate or speak up about how it hurt them and also because pre-2013 only people with a diagnosis of Autistic Disorder (Classic Autism) could get "official" ABA so MSN/HSN people were really the people ABA was being experiment on which is absoutly horrendous! I send you all happy cats 🐈 I hope you have a good day!!

Seeking suggestions on how to stop upsetting my son with my hyperactive outbursts.

Hello all, 41m ADHD experiencer. My son is 6, and low-support autistic, also probably ADHD, but the doctors have suggested holding off a bit longer before giving a more detailed diagnosis, as some of his issues may be due to being premature/having a speech impediment/getting undersocialized due to the pandemic. I'm rarely fully engaged enough in something to sit still. I was diagnosed as ADD in the 90s, and their solution was to keep upping my Ritalin dosage until it reached levels that I half-think I'm misremembering, because I recently got licensed as a pharmacy technician and the recommended daily dosages are much lower than I took with every meal (learning all the restrictions they've added since I was on it was a real eye-opener). Point being that I'm not on any medication right now, and have a strong aversion to the thought of taking any. Part of how I deal is moving and making noise. I jitter, I jiggle, I jive, I tap things, I chant in vaguely sci-fi sounding gibberish. It helps me focus, a little, and at my worst moments I can hardly go 30 seconds without at least muttering and drumming. The problem is that it upsets my son. He doesn't like lots of intrusive random noises, and Intrusive Random Noises is the middle name that I've struggled to fit into every form and job application I've ever filled out. I try to curb it around him, but a minute later I forget, and I'm sounding off and he's shouting that I'm "distracolating" him. I've tried moving further away from him, but I like being close to him, and by the time I'm enough rooms away that he can't hear me distracolating, I'm far enough that I can't hear him tipping all the silverware out the bedroom window. Any suggestions as to how either of us might find a solution?

Does your son own a pair of noise cancelling headphones? Not for music, for funneling and reducing sound. Do you own a pair of fidget toys for both hands? Good luck, Maybe you could use a baby monitor? This way you can be far enough from him but still hear him doing whatever, I broke the last fidget spinner my wife got me by overusing it and forgot that I'd had one. I'll see if he'll let me borrow some of his widgets. He keeps a set of headphones at his school, but they usually don't come home with him. Sounds like it's time to double up in general., Worth a try. He's been on an anti-surveillance kick since he was two, though. We had to hide the monitor behind furniture to stop him from unplugging it. Probably going to have to get him Baby's First VPN, soon.

Self exploration in a 2 year old girl

I have a 2yo special needs girl and although she’s not received an autism diagnosis, as she’s deemed too young currently, I expect she will be. She exhibits the classic behaviors presently but also has a congenital brain disorder and is globally delayed - she’s more on par with a typical 7 month old. Recently, she’s started a new behavior - any time she has a diaper change, her hand immediately shoots down to explore herself in a very targeted manner. She smiles and is happy to do so, so clearly self stimulating, but I am conflicted on how to approach this. She doesn’t have language skills to be able to understand anything much more than “no” so I can’t tell her to only do it in private - plus she’s always in diapers. Her brain disorder also makes coordination difficult as she has to make new neural pathways for her brain to even send the messages of where to put her hands, so this being a clearly intentional and precise movement seems really complex to me. My leading thought right now is to allow her some safe, but private, no-diaper-time before a bath because I’m thinking there no harm in allowing this in a controlled setting - but then am I unintentionally encouraging a behavior that would become more problematic with age? For reference, as a kiddo closer aligned to a 7-8 month old, she’s non-verbal and non-ambulatory. Any advice is welcome 💜

I used to be a daycare director and this is typical behavior in nearly all children, boys and girls alike. I’ve seen kids hump blankets before nap time or “grind” the edge of the table. We just always calmly redirected them and made sure to wash their hands if they did any touching, and never shamed them for it. When they’re older you can explain that area is not to be touched by anyone but them or a doctor, but it’s important to do it in private. No worries mom! It’s normal., I think I'd just let it be. I have a boy who would touch himself at that age whenever he could (when the diaper was off for changing or bath). It feels nice to touch there, nothing more. I would try to give him something in his hands during changing, but self exploration was more important to him 😅. It fixed itself within a year. It's part of the normal developtment I'd say, nothing to worry about!, I would just try to redirect. My ASD child was obsessed with touching down there for a while but it passed eventually - I think a few months. We would try to occupy his hands with minimal success some times. My son's current obsession is bubbles in the bath I wouldn't encourage the behavior by allowing time for intentional exploration, it might lead to some type of routine and make the habit harder to break., I would redirect by giving her something to play with during diaper changes, if possible., I used to be a daycare director and this is typical behavior in nearly all children, boys and girls alike. I’ve seen kids hump blankets before nap time or “grind” the edge of the table. We just always calmly redirected them and made sure to wash their hands if they did any touching, and never shamed them for it. When they’re older you can explain that area is not to be touched by anyone but them or a doctor, but it’s important to do it in private. No worries mom! It’s normal., I think I'd just let it be. I have a boy who would touch himself at that age whenever he could (when the diaper was off for changing or bath). It feels nice to touch there, nothing more. I would try to give him something in his hands during changing, but self exploration was more important to him 😅. It fixed itself within a year. It's part of the normal developtment I'd say, nothing to worry about!, I would just try to redirect. My ASD child was obsessed with touching down there for a while but it passed eventually - I think a few months. We would try to occupy his hands with minimal success some times. My son's current obsession is bubbles in the bath I wouldn't encourage the behavior by allowing time for intentional exploration, it might lead to some type of routine and make the habit harder to break., I would redirect by giving her something to play with during diaper changes, if possible., I used to be a daycare director and this is typical behavior in nearly all children, boys and girls alike. I’ve seen kids hump blankets before nap time or “grind” the edge of the table. We just always calmly redirected them and made sure to wash their hands if they did any touching, and never shamed them for it. When they’re older you can explain that area is not to be touched by anyone but them or a doctor, but it’s important to do it in private. No worries mom! It’s normal., I think I'd just let it be. I have a boy who would touch himself at that age whenever he could (when the diaper was off for changing or bath). It feels nice to touch there, nothing more. I would try to give him something in his hands during changing, but self exploration was more important to him 😅. It fixed itself within a year. It's part of the normal developtment I'd say, nothing to worry about!, I would just try to redirect. My ASD child was obsessed with touching down there for a while but it passed eventually - I think a few months. We would try to occupy his hands with minimal success some times. My son's current obsession is bubbles in the bath I wouldn't encourage the behavior by allowing time for intentional exploration, it might lead to some type of routine and make the habit harder to break., I would redirect by giving her something to play with during diaper changes, if possible., I used to be a daycare director and this is typical behavior in nearly all children, boys and girls alike. I’ve seen kids hump blankets before nap time or “grind” the edge of the table. We just always calmly redirected them and made sure to wash their hands if they did any touching, and never shamed them for it. When they’re older you can explain that area is not to be touched by anyone but them or a doctor, but it’s important to do it in private. No worries mom! It’s normal., I think I'd just let it be. I have a boy who would touch himself at that age whenever he could (when the diaper was off for changing or bath). It feels nice to touch there, nothing more. I would try to give him something in his hands during changing, but self exploration was more important to him 😅. It fixed itself within a year. It's part of the normal developtment I'd say, nothing to worry about!, I would just try to redirect. My ASD child was obsessed with touching down there for a while but it passed eventually - I think a few months. We would try to occupy his hands with minimal success some times. My son's current obsession is bubbles in the bath I wouldn't encourage the behavior by allowing time for intentional exploration, it might lead to some type of routine and make the habit harder to break., I would redirect by giving her something to play with during diaper changes, if possible.

Self talk - any way to reduce?

My son (3.5 years old) talks to himself whenever he is bored (like in the car or when he’s playing something that is not as stimulating, etc). He usually recalls random memories from a few days back and says sentences / words related to that not directed at anyone and smiles to himself. Has anyone experienced this with their child? Any tips to help reduce this behavior? Can therapy help? If yes, what type of therapy? Please help me out. Thank you!

All that self talk is essential to his communication development. I get that the sound can be constant, but it's how his brain processes language and social interactions., Why does this need to be reduced? I do it all the time., You've got to choose your battles, and this is probably one to let go. I may be biased since I talk out loud to myself all the time, but..., I don’t get why you’d want to reduce this… My son paces back and forth reciting things to himself. It seems to be how he commits things to memory. It also is his biggest stim and has been since 6 or so. He is 16 now. My brother paced up and down our driveway, twirling a stick, acting out comic book scenes or wwf matches in his head, reciting what the announcers said. I’d ask him to play and he’d tell me “I’ll need to check my schedule” and go back to pacing. 😹 He did this all the way up til high school, when sports practices ate away all his free time. Was never a big deal. 🤷🏼‍♀️, I self talk all the time instead of repressing it teach him to do it quietly when in times of learning., My son does this, he's 4.5 now. I wouldn't try to reduce it. Kids do this in general when learning to talk. Maybe it's more repetitive with autistic kids but I'm letting my son do it, because I remember when he didn't talk and I'm just letting him try and figure it all out., Why do you need to reduce it? Sounds harmless., What’s wrong with it? My little guy does this frequently but only if he’s bored or playing by himself. Of all his ticks this is the least of my concerns., Is there a reason you feel the need to reduce this? My child is non-verbal and I can only think how much I would give to hear this from him daily. This is vital for their communication skill development., Speech language therapy can help. For those asking why, because it drives me crazy. I have sensory issues as well and both of my kids are constantly talking - I walk around in a state of exhaustion and nausea. It is healthy for my kids to do it and my son uses it as a way to stim but also process information (about the day and right away). Maybe there's another stim you can refocus to for periods of time, I wouldn't try to stifle it, just redirect., It’s getting really disruptive in school. That’s why I’m looking for ideas on what I can do.., Does it get better with age? My son does this during group time (where he zones out) and i feel like it hinders his social interaction., Thank you. Have you seen improvement in your kids?, It sounds like he isn’t being engaged in school—you said he does it when bored. Is it disruptive during circle time? That’s the only time in a 3.5 yo’s day where I could imagine it being an issue., Maybe bring this up in an IEP meeting. How can this self talk be viewed as positive? Maybe instead of stopping it you work on him reducing his volume while in class? A social story made about him for him explains what he CAN do “I can talk to myself in class. It makes me feel Calm and focused. Sometime my friends can feel focused when I talk to loudly. Next time I talk to myself in class I can lower my volume to a whisper”., You need a new school then. I know that's not what you want to hear, and it's easier said than done, but it's the truth. It's a poor fit for him if he won't be allowed to learn there, which is what reducing this behavior will do., So it's that he's interrupting the preschool teacher during an instruction of some sort? Or talking over other kids in circle time or something like that? Knowing the specifics of how and when it has become an issue is important. It might be as simple as working with the teacher, It’s mostly during circle time / group activity time / nap time (if he’s not tired / does not want to sleep, he will start talking and it disrupts other children who want to sleep), I really couldn't say. My son's only 1 year older than yours at this point. We have seen improvements in areas using ABA, but we also still see a lot of the autism sensory issues like stimming, repeating back phrases, etc still too. But he does talk more now and he is more communicative. It's just symptoms kind of come and go in intensity. Some weeks are bad, some better. Kind of tough to answer your question since very autistic kid is different in their behaviors. I think with time some things do/can get better with the therapies. But I also think that some of the sensory things are just going to stay always too and might change into other things/ways of coping etc.

Sensory Toys or toys in general

My Level3 Lo turns 2 in may curious what toys or activities your Lo’s enjoys? He has a sensory swing, pikler, ball pit and im about to get him floor tiles he is always moving. I understand no one here other than me can really know what benefits him or what he likes but i am just looking for ideas so i can pick some things out. Thanks

My sons both love the textured floor tiles my youngest loves "cause and effect " toys like ball drops and pop up toys also puzzles, My daughter LOVES the sensory liquid floor tiles, the ones with colourful ink in them. Our Key worker got her a peanut ball (Like an exercise ball but peanut shaped) which she loves. The crash mat is part of a lot of my kids games, as well as just crashing., Do you have just a simple therapy ball (like a yoga ball, but child sized?). They’re the BEST. Versatile, long lasting, and cost effective., Awesome ideas thx, Oh i totally love this, Thank you i dont but i know he liked the one i used during pregnancy with his sister i will look into this, My sons both love the textured floor tiles my youngest loves "cause and effect " toys like ball drops and pop up toys also puzzles, My daughter LOVES the sensory liquid floor tiles, the ones with colourful ink in them. Our Key worker got her a peanut ball (Like an exercise ball but peanut shaped) which she loves. The crash mat is part of a lot of my kids games, as well as just crashing., Do you have just a simple therapy ball (like a yoga ball, but child sized?). They’re the BEST. Versatile, long lasting, and cost effective., Awesome ideas thx, Oh i totally love this, Thank you i dont but i know he liked the one i used during pregnancy with his sister i will look into this, My sons both love the textured floor tiles my youngest loves "cause and effect " toys like ball drops and pop up toys also puzzles, My daughter LOVES the sensory liquid floor tiles, the ones with colourful ink in them. Our Key worker got her a peanut ball (Like an exercise ball but peanut shaped) which she loves. The crash mat is part of a lot of my kids games, as well as just crashing., Do you have just a simple therapy ball (like a yoga ball, but child sized?). They’re the BEST. Versatile, long lasting, and cost effective., Awesome ideas thx, Oh i totally love this, Thank you i dont but i know he liked the one i used during pregnancy with his sister i will look into this, My sons both love the textured floor tiles my youngest loves "cause and effect " toys like ball drops and pop up toys also puzzles, My daughter LOVES the sensory liquid floor tiles, the ones with colourful ink in them. Our Key worker got her a peanut ball (Like an exercise ball but peanut shaped) which she loves. The crash mat is part of a lot of my kids games, as well as just crashing., Do you have just a simple therapy ball (like a yoga ball, but child sized?). They’re the BEST. Versatile, long lasting, and cost effective., Awesome ideas thx, Oh i totally love this, Thank you i dont but i know he liked the one i used during pregnancy with his sister i will look into this

Sensory seeking kids as adults?

My kid is a toddler and definitely a sensory seeker. I see videos on Instagram of older (8-10 years old) sensory seeking kids with decked out play areas - crashpads, swings, climbing on everything and jumping off. These kids definitely look like an older version of my daughter! But here's my question: what do these kids look like as adults? I'm just really curious/concerned about how these sensory needs affect these kids once they become adults. I've never seen an adult with autism that acts like these sensory seeking kids I see on social media. I don't know if I'm wording my question right, but does anyone have experience with kids who were extreme climbers, jumpers, swingers, etc. and are now adults? Did these needs fade, or how do they meet these needs as adults?

My 21 year old still jumps on a trampoline allllll the time. He wears out the workout trampolines so much we have to buy ~2 a year. He also goes to the park to swing and spends hours doing that as well., I remember, years ago, seeing a group of what looked to be disabled adults in Walmart. There was one man in the group - looked to be mid 20s and very handsome - went running up to the freezer case and jumped and landed hard on his feet, clearly enjoying himself. My son has done the same thing many times. However, I will also say, IME, this sort of behavior has become much less common with age. My son still likes to be physical and doing stuff outside, but he’s not as keen to use his crash pad like he used to. He also doesn’t want to run up and down the aisles of the grocery store anymore. 🤷‍♀️, My 4 year old is OBSESSED with rock climbing. All the adults at the rock gym share the same passion. Everyone seems perfectly lovely to me? 🤷‍♀️😅, My son is still little but my cousin is also autistic & 23 now. He was a huuuge rocker & sensory seeker when he was younger but it seems to have definitely faded heaps. He will still rock occasionally if he is super excited about something though, & my aunty says he will do it sometimes when he’s in his room on his own, Go check out the skate park. Skateboarding, stunt biking, snowboarding, parkour, zip lining, roller derby. Lots of different activities for sensory-seeking adults out there. Skiing, climbing, martial arts, amusement parks. ETA an example of one of those forest ninja line adventure things: https://youtu.be/6an2z3eVJ30, I'm 37. I still swing and spin on chairs, sit on worktops and tables, walk along walls, climb on railings, climb trees, go on swings and slides, fidget constantly, skip instead of walking, touch things that look 'good-texture', jump in puddles... I'm getting much older now and I do rein it in a bit because my back and hips won't thank me 😆 but I've never lost that need for movement feedback and I've never really found an adult hobby to divert it to. I do think a lot of adults who needed active sensory are now the gym-goers, the extreme sports fans, the dancers of the world. Basically some of us still fling ourselves about as much as we ever did, just with less speed and more caution 😂, I suspect a lot of people with “makeup addictions” are sensory seekers, girls particularly pick socially normal special interests I would scroll and obsess over makeup and I still wear a minimal tinted gloss daily but I bought myself a mica based watercolor kit and play with that when I have a makeup itch where I want to impulse buy., Yes. My child, though mostly an avoider, has had some seeking traits. These days, they're a complete spicy food fanatic to the point of chopping up carolina reapers and putting them on pizza., I don’t know because my kid is 4, but I’ve been known to climb into his swing after the kids have gone to bed and find it super soothing. I also love using his tactile sequin sensory board. So yeah, I’m probably neurospicy as well and find the things we’ve bought/made for him helpful at the ripe age of 37., That's encouraging to hear. My daughter just has these times where she CANNOT stop moving (running, spinning, climbing, etc.) I'm happy to support as much as I can, but I'm hoping that over time this won't be such a pressing need. She's really smart, but her constant need to be in motion seems to be her biggest barrier to participating in school and other activities. I'm glad to hear that it might be something easier to navigate when she's older., Oh for sure - there's nothing wrong with loving physical activity. I'm just saying with my daughter it seems to be more of a *need* than an enjoyment. As in, it's incredibly hard for her to NOT be in motion. I would love it if she could channel her sensory needs into a hobby like rock climbing, so that's sort of what I'm asking. I see lots of kids doing what my kid does, but I don't see a lot of autistic adults act like my kid, so I'm wondering if this is something they outgrow or channel, or if adults like my daughter are out there and I just don't see them., I read this and my mouth started hurting lol. Your child is champ!, Trust me, I know -- my kid is a sensory seeker. Our whole attic is a jungle gym. We have a crash pad in three rooms of our house, including our kitchen. We do OT twice per week (in addition to other interventions, including sending her to a private SPED preschool). Trust me: I know. In addition to all that, we also started rock climbing this Fall regularly. And I'm saying: the gym where she goes has a lot of *very quirky* people on staff that are obsessed with rock climbing. That's an example of adults who very clearly were sensory-seekers as children finding their "tribe.", Ok, I definitely misunderstood your first post then. Because yes, that's what I'm asking about: adults that (as kids) had a major need for constant stimulation and grew up to find good ways to channel it. That's encouraging that there are adults that have found ways to satisfy that need in a way that doesn't disrupt the rest of their life., This is the *autism parenting* subreddit, so I thought that it would be implicit that the folks here *get it* without long-winded explanations about what it's like raising or being around neurodivergent people. Good luck to you and yours -- and I hope that you find that folks here seem to understand your experience and concerns. That's been my experience so far on this sub, anyway.

Separating with a 3.5 year old

My sons father and I are separating after years of disfunction. It's not related to my son, or his diagnosis but his fathers inability to communicate, accept his parental responsibilities and be a supportive partner. It's been a rough few years of me doing basically everything on my own with my ex doing the bare minimum. We don't agree on parenting approaches, especially related to my sons behavior and sensory needs. I've tried my best to tough it out but I can't anymore and finally convinced him that it's best for all of us if we separate. I have a severe anxiety condition and the thought of leaving my son with him is very difficult. I know he'll be safe but is his father going to put 100% effort to help him thrive and be happy? I'm not confident in his ability or that he's taking his responsibilities serious enough. He barely participates in the therapy my son has now. I'm contemplating taking him to family court to get more than 50/50 custody. We're not married but are common-law living in Ontario, Canada. I'm concerned about the cost and the damage that could do to our co-parenting relationship and there's no guarantees I'll get more than 50% although I can prove I've been the one taking care of 90% of my sons needs and therapies. I'm also concerned about my son not being with me. I've taken care of him and we've been inseparable since his birth. He's very adaptable with time and I believe he will thrive once he's used to the new routine but the anxiety is crippling me. Has anyone else been in a similar situation that can offer some feedback on how you approached this? I'm looking at also consulting with a lawyer to see what my options are but even that is triggering my anxiety as it just seems to overwhelming. I'm not sure what to do or where to go, all I know is I can't stay here or with him. Thank you for reading!

Before jumping to court I would strongly suggest talking with your ex. He might be okay with an arrangement where you have him for more time since you are more involved with therapies., [deleted], I filed for divorce when my son was about 18 months old. I've always had sole custody because he never took the initiative to care for him or provide for his needs. He would miss therapy appointments & things like that when it was his responsibility to take him. I heavily documented everything, always. I knew the relationship wasn't going to work out, and essentially if I have to do everything on my own, it's easier without having to cleanup after and deal with another person who is causing conflict. Have you considered asking him about this? He may have no interest in managing the day-to-day stuff with your son; he may easily sign up for fun weekend dad anyway. Mine did engage his ego and threaten to sue me for full custody, etc., but he had consistently never taken care of the many needs of our son, and because I could show that, it made it easier both with our relationship and in court. I do understand not wanting to cause more conflict and hardship, but you can only control your part of it. How he acts is not on you. It sucks, but I believe getting rid of the ongoing conflict in your home is better for everyone., I divorced my children’s father right around the time my son got diagnosed. He was almost 2 and I had a newborn. He was/is a selfish person that wasn’t adding anything positive to the situation. He chooses now to travel around the country and and see his kids PRN. I have sole custody of my kids and wouldn’t have it any other way. He actually fought me for custody after having never lived with them and never being involved. 🤣🤣 all of his teachers and therapists came to court and told the judge, “this is the first time I’ve ever seen this man”. It’s not cute. It’s not pretty. But with the ex I have — I wouldn’t have it any other way., If you can settle it out of court you will save an insurmountable amount of time, money, stress, sanity. I cannot encourage you enough to do that., Omg fight like hell for your ex to get the bare minimum. These kids need stability. If you ex barely parented I would right for full legal custody at minimum bc otherwise it’s gonna be battle making all medical decisions for your child, First, fathers have rights, just like mothers. Second, it sound like you are having separation anxiaty from your kid, which is normal, but at the end of the day that is something that you are gonna have to work on. It's not a real reason to have full custody or something else., The reason I haven't is because of how he approaches conversations. I do have to bring it up and if he's dead set against it and refuses to budge, I'll see to see what other options I have. Thank you for the encouragement., Courts are there to strip you guys of money you can easily save by speaking to eachother. I'm a Dad and would be unwell with less than 50%., Wow. Go Canada. There's nothing like this where I live in the US. And also, go you! I know even with decent assistance, single parenting is not an easy task., Thank you so much for your response. I will look into some of the things you've mentioned that I haven't so far. I'm happy your in a loving home now. All the best to you and your son ♡, My first plan of action is not to go to court (but something I need to consider) and if possible 100% want to settle out of court., Also from one mom to another. I’m divorced. It’s expensive but worth it. I’m having to go BACK to reverse our joint custody bc he cannot keep up with medical end of things and we cannot get along!, No one said fathers didn't have rights, super strange that's your first thought considering the details in this post. Op is concerned because this father doesn't provide much care for their shared child. This is a valid concern when one parent has basically ghosted their parenting responsibilities. I do hope the courts take into consideration the level of care op and her ex will provide when they establish custody, as that is what is in the child's best interest. Spending 50/50 custody with a parent who won't take you to your therapies is not in the child's best interest., I agree with this. Maybe Dad doesn't want the added headache of therapies so mon gets more time. Maybe Dad is going to get more involved now that he will have to do this on his own half the time. Odds are there is a solution that you two can reach that ensures your son receives all the services he needs. If he does want to step up to maintain 50/50 custody, and you want to preserve some amount of a functional co-parenting arrangement (which is what would likely be best for son) you do need to give him the opportunity to step up., I'm thinking about future battles and what could come up as his father is quite manipulative and selfish. I'm afraid as well all the progress he's made in therapy will be impacted since I'm the only one using all the strategies we've learned. Thank you for your response and your encouragement. I know this is going to be HARD but it has to be done for my son., Thank you for chiming in and I appreciate your response. I do hope the court would take into consideration the amount of time and effort that I have shown since my sons diagnosis to get him to where he is today. He's where he's at because of me and all his therapy., We only have one side of the story and we don't know what rolls each parent had. Maybe the reason he didn't spend much time with his son is because he was working all the time, maybe she was a stay at home mom. As I said, we only know one side., My ex was too and fought dirty. I wish someone would have pushed me to be stronger and more stern about what exactly my daughter needed. If you cannot coparent making medical decisions is so hard. It’s like a battle. Sometimes ppl become very petty and their worst comes out during divorce it’s good to get ahead of it!, This is precisely why I fought for and won sole custody -- I didn't want to be in a position of needing his permission to make decisions for our son because he was selfish & didn't care anyway. The only thing he ever cared about regarding any of it was his ego and wanting to feel like he had some sort of power, his power as being a father with a child, it was all for selfish reasons, never because he cared about what was/is best for our child., I work 40 hrs a week, so does he, and I do all the therapy on top of my work schedule and 90% of other household responsibilities., Why were you with this guy for so long? He sucks 🤦🤦🤦

Sepsis and autism

Curious, how many parents recall their babies having sepsis when they were born? There seems to have been a study, stating if your child had sepsis, the autism diagnosis was higher.

Citing the study is a good start., Sepsis in a baby is a REALLY big deal. Like, lumbar puncture big. It would be far bigger news if this were a “cause” for autism., Not sepsis, but merconium poisoning (he was overdue and pooped in the womb...not good). Lvl 3., https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34225371/#:~:text=Conclusion%3A%20Neonatal%20sepsis%20is%20associated,except%20for%20Asian%2DPacific%20Islanders., Sorry, it was XM doctor news station.

She doesn't last longer anywhere

I hope someone understand what I'm going through and can help me, my daughter is 3 and she doesn't stay long at any place unless it's an indoor playground or if it has a slide. She loves slides and ball pit, so she can stay a lot of time playing but if we go some place that it's not interesting for her, she doesn't want to stay. I go with her to a school and she used to stay there for 40 min but now she goes and wants to go home within 5 minutes. She was also doing some OT and she was okay there, but now she plays for 10 min in the swing and wants to come home. We see a SLP every Monday and she has ABA Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday but those are all at home and at home she is good, she plays and interact, the problem is when we go to new spaces, she doesn't stay long and I don't know how she will go to school being this way. Anyone going through this? &#x200B;

My autistic daughter wouldn't engage at any playground if we didn't play with her until age 5/6. Now she is much more flexible., Yup! A 3 year old is so little. I don’t think it’s that unusual for a kid to assess a situation as not super fun and want to leave. At least, it was common for us. I would try to set expectations for her especially if she has trouble understanding words. A picture schedule/social sorry is great. It lets her know where she’s going and what to expect when she gets there. Also, I would set her up for success. Plan for the trip to be short and leave before she gets too upset. I found with my daughter if the first time we did something it was a bad experience, she never wanted to do it again. So just go slow. I wouldn’t stop taking her places, I would just try to see it from her perspective. Everything is new, she doesn’t know what to expect or how long she’ll have to be there and even 30 minutes is a super long time for a 3 year old. My daughter goes everywhere now. Still nonverbal and still needs expectation setting sometimes, but she’s much more flexible. She’s more adventurous than I am lol. Just because it’s now doesn’t mean it’s forever., My autistic daughter wouldn't engage at any playground if we didn't play with her until age 5/6. Now she is much more flexible., Yup! A 3 year old is so little. I don’t think it’s that unusual for a kid to assess a situation as not super fun and want to leave. At least, it was common for us. I would try to set expectations for her especially if she has trouble understanding words. A picture schedule/social sorry is great. It lets her know where she’s going and what to expect when she gets there. Also, I would set her up for success. Plan for the trip to be short and leave before she gets too upset. I found with my daughter if the first time we did something it was a bad experience, she never wanted to do it again. So just go slow. I wouldn’t stop taking her places, I would just try to see it from her perspective. Everything is new, she doesn’t know what to expect or how long she’ll have to be there and even 30 minutes is a super long time for a 3 year old. My daughter goes everywhere now. Still nonverbal and still needs expectation setting sometimes, but she’s much more flexible. She’s more adventurous than I am lol. Just because it’s now doesn’t mean it’s forever., My autistic daughter wouldn't engage at any playground if we didn't play with her until age 5/6. Now she is much more flexible., Yup! A 3 year old is so little. I don’t think it’s that unusual for a kid to assess a situation as not super fun and want to leave. At least, it was common for us. I would try to set expectations for her especially if she has trouble understanding words. A picture schedule/social sorry is great. It lets her know where she’s going and what to expect when she gets there. Also, I would set her up for success. Plan for the trip to be short and leave before she gets too upset. I found with my daughter if the first time we did something it was a bad experience, she never wanted to do it again. So just go slow. I wouldn’t stop taking her places, I would just try to see it from her perspective. Everything is new, she doesn’t know what to expect or how long she’ll have to be there and even 30 minutes is a super long time for a 3 year old. My daughter goes everywhere now. Still nonverbal and still needs expectation setting sometimes, but she’s much more flexible. She’s more adventurous than I am lol. Just because it’s now doesn’t mean it’s forever., My autistic daughter wouldn't engage at any playground if we didn't play with her until age 5/6. Now she is much more flexible., Yup! A 3 year old is so little. I don’t think it’s that unusual for a kid to assess a situation as not super fun and want to leave. At least, it was common for us. I would try to set expectations for her especially if she has trouble understanding words. A picture schedule/social sorry is great. It lets her know where she’s going and what to expect when she gets there. Also, I would set her up for success. Plan for the trip to be short and leave before she gets too upset. I found with my daughter if the first time we did something it was a bad experience, she never wanted to do it again. So just go slow. I wouldn’t stop taking her places, I would just try to see it from her perspective. Everything is new, she doesn’t know what to expect or how long she’ll have to be there and even 30 minutes is a super long time for a 3 year old. My daughter goes everywhere now. Still nonverbal and still needs expectation setting sometimes, but she’s much more flexible. She’s more adventurous than I am lol. Just because it’s now doesn’t mean it’s forever.

Shoes

My 18 mo old granddaughter hasn’t been evaluated but she is definitely on the spectrum we think. One of the biggest issues right now is she doesn’t like socks or shoes. How do you all force socks and/or shoes with winter coming. My daughter always has her in bare feet

My kid doesn't have this issue. If anything, he prefers to have his shoes on, because he associates that with being up and active. However, I have heard that seamless socks are a game changer if it is a sensory issue. Tsukihoshi shoes are also often recommended because they are comfortable and flexible and have a lot of toe room., For my daughter she always fought socks and shoes for the longest time, we ended up getting her crocs and she actually left them on. So winter came, and we got her fuzzy crocs. Now she wears boots/booties in winter and only has an issue with socks. Sometimes I can put her socks on inside out right before putting on her shoes and she can tolerate it for a little while, but as soon as those shoes come off so do the socks. She still prefers to be barefoot so when the situation allows, I let her. I’m also dx myself and I always have to be wearing socks or slippers. Most of my socks I’ve also worn inside out since I was a kid. The feeling of stepping on any textures is much worse to me than the restricting feeling of socks or shoes., This was my biggest thing as an ASD kid. In fact, I still go barefoot whenever I can. For me, it was the seams as well as the constriction. It causes my feet and ankles genuine pain. It feels like stabbing and/or having your limbs constricted. Sandals are some of the easiest shoes to tolerate, especially if they sit under the ankle; slip-on ballerina/flats shoes are good, too, because I can control the length of time I’m wearing them. The best have always been Ugg-styled boots: enough wiggle room around ankles and toes, no seams to really annoy or hurt, and soft insides made the overall experience much more bearable. Asking and being extra patient with her can help you to narrow it down to her footwear preferences. If she doesn’t wear shoes, would she wear slippers? Stockings? Knee highs? Perhaps onesies with footies will help? Seamless socks? Custom made socks and/or lined shoes?, My son had a good year long period where he tried to go barefoot everywhere. It made me crazy. He eventually grew out of it but it was also a lot of me having to be strict that he needed to wear his shoes. This meant putting his socks/shoes back on repeatedly, occasionally not letting him do things or go places if he wouldn’t get his shoes on, etc. He’s 5 now and we mostly have no more issues, although he does take his shoes and socks off as soon as he’s in the car which is annoying. I keep Crocs in the car for quick and an out trips., My 16 year old fought shoes (loved, and still loves, socks though) until we bought him rubber rain boots that looked like fire man boots. Then he wore those for like 3 years. lol He now will only wear merrell moccasins, but that’s fine, his sister who isn’t autistic, but does have sensory issues, also only wears these. Edit- my husband will not wear either socks or real shoes. He wears flip flops. That’s it. I have only seen him in shoes for weddings (our own and ones he has been in), so like 10 times total in the 22 years we’ve been married. And we’ve only lived in Michigan and Colorado, places that get plenty of snow…he’d rather shovel snow in flip flops than wear socks and/or shoes for it. 🤷🏼‍♀️, Maybe fleece pantyhose? They have them on amazon. Or onesie pijamas., She honestly wants nothing on. Anything you put on she will rip off. She is nonverbal and doesn’t really interact so asking anything is a no go. I guess she will live a life of footed pajamas all winter lol

Should I be worried?

So I was watching some old videos of my autistic child when he was 1-2 years old and noticed that he literally did not display any autistic symptoms. He was recently diagnosed with mild autism and is still non-verbal. He is able to communicate effectively however by taking our hand and walking us to whatever he needs. He's 4 now. I would say that he has def. progressed since his diagnosis and he's in an ABA based classroom. Should I be worried that he didn't have symptoms at 2 but does so now?

It is very common for stereotypical behaviors (hand flapping, rocking, spinning...) to surface after the age of 2. In the first and second years of life, the "symptoms" in most kids are developmental delays. Sometimes the delays are across the board and obvious, other times they are subtle. Your child's trajectory is fairly common one for children on the spectrum. You don't need to be extra worried about the apparent emergence of symptoms during toddlerhood., No, becuase it's totally normal for personality to develop both in non autistic and autistic people as people age. Take a stim. It's something that calms people down. Have you ever found something you like that was new and helped you calm down? Like remember when smartphones came out and we all discovered reddit had an app and we could spend loads of time on reddit? There was a time before, lol. That really doesn't mean anything health or diagnosis wise. It just meant you found something new and you liked it, and you picked it up and integrated it into your life. Your kid is doing the same. For babies, everything is new. Its why personality starts to really develop in all people at that age, cuz they start finding out what they like/don't like...and that process goes on for the rest of your life for everyone, autistic or not. We all make big shifts that are part of our identities (like a new career) or suddenly getting into podcasts or finding that handflapping is soothing but that doesn't mean a previous health diagnosis was wrong., My son was “normal” and knew ten words. Things seemed great and I felt like something was off but everyone was like nah, he’s good. At 15-18 months, he regressed. At 2 1/2 he regressed to the point of a “6-month old”. His therapist, not me saying that. I remember him as a sweet baby, running around, laughing, shouting dada. Now, he’s different and affectionate but less. Smiles less, laughs less, but still him. He speaks here and there but no communication. It’s tough, I know. I’m sorry., You should consider yourself lucky as he is Mild., I'm really sorry to hear that. Have you started therapy for him? What's the progress from therapy?, He’s in OT and speech but only three times a week for an hour. He’s making progress but not conversational or eating. He’s very picky and he has a lot of words but cannot communicate. He did grab my face a few weeks ago and said “I’m f*king tired.” At a time it would be normal to be tired so that’s progress. Can’t really tell people that politely, however 😕 He was diagnosed level 3, It is very common for stereotypical behaviors (hand flapping, rocking, spinning...) to surface after the age of 2. In the first and second years of life, the "symptoms" in most kids are developmental delays. Sometimes the delays are across the board and obvious, other times they are subtle. Your child's trajectory is fairly common one for children on the spectrum. You don't need to be extra worried about the apparent emergence of symptoms during toddlerhood., No, becuase it's totally normal for personality to develop both in non autistic and autistic people as people age. Take a stim. It's something that calms people down. Have you ever found something you like that was new and helped you calm down? Like remember when smartphones came out and we all discovered reddit had an app and we could spend loads of time on reddit? There was a time before, lol. That really doesn't mean anything health or diagnosis wise. It just meant you found something new and you liked it, and you picked it up and integrated it into your life. Your kid is doing the same. For babies, everything is new. Its why personality starts to really develop in all people at that age, cuz they start finding out what they like/don't like...and that process goes on for the rest of your life for everyone, autistic or not. We all make big shifts that are part of our identities (like a new career) or suddenly getting into podcasts or finding that handflapping is soothing but that doesn't mean a previous health diagnosis was wrong., My son was “normal” and knew ten words. Things seemed great and I felt like something was off but everyone was like nah, he’s good. At 15-18 months, he regressed. At 2 1/2 he regressed to the point of a “6-month old”. His therapist, not me saying that. I remember him as a sweet baby, running around, laughing, shouting dada. Now, he’s different and affectionate but less. Smiles less, laughs less, but still him. He speaks here and there but no communication. It’s tough, I know. I’m sorry., You should consider yourself lucky as he is Mild., I'm really sorry to hear that. Have you started therapy for him? What's the progress from therapy?, He’s in OT and speech but only three times a week for an hour. He’s making progress but not conversational or eating. He’s very picky and he has a lot of words but cannot communicate. He did grab my face a few weeks ago and said “I’m f*king tired.” At a time it would be normal to be tired so that’s progress. Can’t really tell people that politely, however 😕 He was diagnosed level 3, It is very common for stereotypical behaviors (hand flapping, rocking, spinning...) to surface after the age of 2. In the first and second years of life, the "symptoms" in most kids are developmental delays. Sometimes the delays are across the board and obvious, other times they are subtle. Your child's trajectory is fairly common one for children on the spectrum. You don't need to be extra worried about the apparent emergence of symptoms during toddlerhood., No, becuase it's totally normal for personality to develop both in non autistic and autistic people as people age. Take a stim. It's something that calms people down. Have you ever found something you like that was new and helped you calm down? Like remember when smartphones came out and we all discovered reddit had an app and we could spend loads of time on reddit? There was a time before, lol. That really doesn't mean anything health or diagnosis wise. It just meant you found something new and you liked it, and you picked it up and integrated it into your life. Your kid is doing the same. For babies, everything is new. Its why personality starts to really develop in all people at that age, cuz they start finding out what they like/don't like...and that process goes on for the rest of your life for everyone, autistic or not. We all make big shifts that are part of our identities (like a new career) or suddenly getting into podcasts or finding that handflapping is soothing but that doesn't mean a previous health diagnosis was wrong., My son was “normal” and knew ten words. Things seemed great and I felt like something was off but everyone was like nah, he’s good. At 15-18 months, he regressed. At 2 1/2 he regressed to the point of a “6-month old”. His therapist, not me saying that. I remember him as a sweet baby, running around, laughing, shouting dada. Now, he’s different and affectionate but less. Smiles less, laughs less, but still him. He speaks here and there but no communication. It’s tough, I know. I’m sorry., You should consider yourself lucky as he is Mild., I'm really sorry to hear that. Have you started therapy for him? What's the progress from therapy?, He’s in OT and speech but only three times a week for an hour. He’s making progress but not conversational or eating. He’s very picky and he has a lot of words but cannot communicate. He did grab my face a few weeks ago and said “I’m f*king tired.” At a time it would be normal to be tired so that’s progress. Can’t really tell people that politely, however 😕 He was diagnosed level 3, It is very common for stereotypical behaviors (hand flapping, rocking, spinning...) to surface after the age of 2. In the first and second years of life, the "symptoms" in most kids are developmental delays. Sometimes the delays are across the board and obvious, other times they are subtle. Your child's trajectory is fairly common one for children on the spectrum. You don't need to be extra worried about the apparent emergence of symptoms during toddlerhood., No, becuase it's totally normal for personality to develop both in non autistic and autistic people as people age. Take a stim. It's something that calms people down. Have you ever found something you like that was new and helped you calm down? Like remember when smartphones came out and we all discovered reddit had an app and we could spend loads of time on reddit? There was a time before, lol. That really doesn't mean anything health or diagnosis wise. It just meant you found something new and you liked it, and you picked it up and integrated it into your life. Your kid is doing the same. For babies, everything is new. Its why personality starts to really develop in all people at that age, cuz they start finding out what they like/don't like...and that process goes on for the rest of your life for everyone, autistic or not. We all make big shifts that are part of our identities (like a new career) or suddenly getting into podcasts or finding that handflapping is soothing but that doesn't mean a previous health diagnosis was wrong., My son was “normal” and knew ten words. Things seemed great and I felt like something was off but everyone was like nah, he’s good. At 15-18 months, he regressed. At 2 1/2 he regressed to the point of a “6-month old”. His therapist, not me saying that. I remember him as a sweet baby, running around, laughing, shouting dada. Now, he’s different and affectionate but less. Smiles less, laughs less, but still him. He speaks here and there but no communication. It’s tough, I know. I’m sorry., You should consider yourself lucky as he is Mild., I'm really sorry to hear that. Have you started therapy for him? What's the progress from therapy?, He’s in OT and speech but only three times a week for an hour. He’s making progress but not conversational or eating. He’s very picky and he has a lot of words but cannot communicate. He did grab my face a few weeks ago and said “I’m f*king tired.” At a time it would be normal to be tired so that’s progress. Can’t really tell people that politely, however 😕 He was diagnosed level 3

Should I express my concerns for my nephew or stay in my lane?

I’m a school counselor and former teacher and have worked with all types of neurodiverse students through the years. My nephew is almost 4 and has shown clear signs of autism since he was a baby. My SIL (husbands sister) seems to either be oblivious or in denial and I’ve never brought it up to her bc I think she would get upset. He seems to be really delayed in speech and socialization, but she will overexplain and just say he’s fine, he’s different than my son, etc. He’s never been in any kind of child care, MDO, play groups…anything social. Now she’s talking about homeschooling. I truly am concerned that this will never be addressed if I don’t say something, but I don’t want to overstep or hurt our relationship. Is it even that urgent to address this at this age? Should I just mind my business or say something? How would you go about it? Truly want to be sensitive and come from a place of concern!

Well, it's your husband's sister, so what does he think you should do? Telling her might be a wake-up call, but it also might ruin the relationship between you all., As a parent with am autistic child, I WISH someone would've said something to me earlier. My son wasn't walking at 22 months and while I had speculations, no one really just came out and told me the high possibility of him having autism. Even with him in early on and with his doctor, it was just skirted around it. It wasn't until I made the comment about it being something I had considered that everyone piped up and said, they too felt he might be autistic. I felt like everything was so delayed in getting started, ie, therapy and his diagnosis, because no one wanted to tell me what was the obvious truth. Now your sister-in-law might not be so open to hearing it like I was. I was searching for answers, while she might not be. But I think approaching them both, calmly, with facts and with support, might be appreciated more than you know., It sounds like you've already brought it up and she said "he's fine." You probably did what you could., I’m team say something, because the kid deserves the best chance. If they get mad, at least you know you tried to help., I don't think it has to be all or nothing. You could suggest that they look into speech therapy, because some kids need a nudge to get them caught up. People at EI presented developmental preschool to me that way, and it felt non-confrontational. The speech therapist will likely have the autism assessment discussion if it is as obvious as you think. In the meantime, the kid will get help., All families are different. Some you can have open discussions with and others you cannot. Since you have a background as an educator I’d address it with your husband (her brother) in a very caring but nonchalant way and see what he says. I have two sister in laws and even though the relationships are good there’s still a divide that lingers., Yes, it’s definitely urgent. Outcomes for language and life skills are better with early intervention and if she keeps him out of school he will have no one to intervene. However it sounds like she is not at all receptive to hearing there’s anything wrong. And if your child has moderate or profound autism she may be even less open to hearing it from you because she’s deeply committed to her son not being like yours. I think I would personally still gently suggest seeking an evaluation and services for the language delay and avoid the “A-word”. If she hears concern from you and others maybe it would plant a seed and get her out of denial faster. And if she does get him in speech therapy the SLP will suggest OT or an autism eval., If she’s planning on homeschooling him she knows deep down just doesn’t want to admit it to others or herself. I think as a parents we tend to explain away a lot of things for our own self preservation but if she’s in denial she might need some help and a step in the right direction. I think maybe addressing symptoms and not autism as a whole might be easier for her to digest. Like with speech, have her take her child to a paediatrician so he can get referred to speech therapy (maybe say a paediatrician can check for tongue tie). As bad as it sounds but she might be more willing to do things that she thinks can be “fixed”… I think any paediatrician after a quick observation and some questions would be extremely truthful., Are you me? Same situation with my SIL and her 4 yo. I tried to say something to my SIL a year ago about how I found speech therapy to be wonderful for our kid who is autistic (I only used “I” statements) and she stopped talking to me. So it could go very badly if she’s super attached to the denial stage of the grieving process (aka batshit crazy). But when things are super obvious they can’t stay the same for long, imo. I heard from my MIL that their pediatrician is (finally) pushing back on them for refusing a speech eval now that their kid (who is non verbal) will be kindergarten age next year. Thank gawd. Our nephews deserve the very best care!, This is a conversation for your husband to have, if he wants to have it. It sounds like you have addressed it and she brushed it off. The fact she's acknowledged he's different makes me think a few things are happening - he's diagnosed and getting treatment, and they haven't told the family being one. Maybe it's a point of contention in her marriage - it's not uncommon - and they aren't ready yet to push it. Either way, you're an in-law. You're an outsider. Even if you weren't, clearly some sort of exchange about her son's development has happened. If anyone is going to bring it up, it should be ber brother. Someone else mentioned further down that they were upset that early intervention and all didn't float the idea of autism, and I agree - it's tough. Our pediatrician and early intervention didn't bring it up. I personally felt angrier when I raised the developmental issues myself, and I had relatives who outright lied to me, reassuring me the kids were fine, before going behind my back and gossiping to other relatives about my kids' problems. That made me feel crazy. But I would have been irked if someone else raised it to me unprompted. It's not something I'd care to discuss with people who aren't in my inner circle., The earlier kids get help the better. COVID really screwed up our son's progress from 2-4 with in person therapys being stopped. Webcam stuff just wasn't the same. He's doing okay but I think we lost a lot of time that could have been very helpful. Luckily he was in daycare and "around" other people. But still with language we lost a huge chunk of time, I find it so strange that the child’s pediatrician never brought up having an eval if she was honest about him not meeting milestones. Usually by 2 they’d say something as early intervention is most helpful by 3-4. Ultimately if she doesn’t want to see it, saying something might not change the situation. If it’s weighing on you, say something. Just be prepared for her to be upset and that it might not change her mind. But at least you’ve done what you could. It’s a shame for the child because a dx opens a lot of doors for therapies that can be extremely beneficial for a child., I would bring up a tough case at work that mirrors many of the delays you are witnessing in your nephew etc. see if they make the connections. Or take the band aid off and say “you know what I do for a living.. I’m saying this with a lot of Love in my heart. I don’t want to scare you but I’ve been observing my nephew and he is displaying and not displaying a lot of things that are concerning to me. Like.. example xyz. I think you should get him assessed. You may disagree but the sooner you have interventions the better chance they will have long term. I love you and again I’m not saying this to hurt you. “ That’s it and walk away. If they are upset, become the overly kind waitress. Repeat the coming from love. And then that’s it the ball is in their court. If they don’t do anything then that kid will go to school and the staff will tell them then. And then they will have to deal with it., Mind your business. 🤷‍♀️. I know I will get downvoted but I truly believe you need to mind your business. If they are in denial you bringing it up will do nothing and possibly cause even more denial. Mind your business., It seems like it’s something you’ve already pointed out, or maybe I’m not understanding correctly. Situations like this are hard and I’ve dealt with this with a friend of mine and she is finally getting him evaluated when he also is about 4 or 5, I believe. It’s a tough spot. Most likely, she already knows and is in denial. It sounds like she is when you say that she’s talking about homeschooling. The teachers probably have expressed their concerns to her as well. I honestly wouldn’t push the topic. She knows and doesn’t want to hear it., Denial can be strong and hearing the truth can piss people off. I would care more about that child's development than my sister in law's feelings. I'd come right out with it. If they fight it then take the pragmatic approach. Like look if he's a "late bloomer" then early intervention, speech, and OT can help him catch up and bloom. Getting a diagnosis isn't a bad thing it opens doors to supports., Mentioning autism can be really off putting for parents. It’s upsetting to hear and also feels like someone who isn’t a doctor is randomly diagnosing your kid with something. You could start by talking about kids you know with delayed speech or fine motor skills or whatever and talk about how much therapy helped them. If she could just get him to see some therapists, they might bring up concerns with her and it might go better coming from them., Any chance you can encourage your SIL to put your nephew in a playgroup for socialization. I used to teach preK, and it’s interesting how a lot of parents don’t realize their kid may need help until they’re exposed to other kids that are the same age., As a mom who didn't find out her child was autistic until he hit puberty.. Tell her... Jesus we could have had him in so many programs to help., The child doesn’t have his voice yet, someone needs to have it for him. There are ways of minimizing the relationship damage, however there will likely be a change in the dynamic, might be temporary, might be permanent. But in the end, a neutral balanced relationship with an in law does not supersede a child’s potential delayed developments. And as anyone with an autistic child knows, the earlier the intervention, the much better chance of them being able to develop at a pace and to a level, closer to kids their age group., Hello, it looks like you've made a mistake. It's supposed to be could've, should've, would've (short for could have, would have, should have), never could of, would of, should of. Or you misspelled something, I ain't checking everything. Beep boop - yes, I am a bot, don't botcriminate me., I’ve never brought it up, but she has has said little things “explaining” his delays - “___ never talked until he was 2.5 but he talks sooo much now!” - even though his speech is still unintelligible, has Gestalt patterns etc. Just one example. I think she just sees him as a late bloomer or something., Definitely differences in families here. It seems like everyone else is aware there are issues (my husband included) but no one wants to say it outright. It’s ableist IMO but 🤷🏼‍♀️, That's the general idea in the US, in the UK there really are no services to speak of. Mine was in nursery and everything and we got nothing, not even speech therapy. They did diagnose him at 7, but the mainstream schooling they offered didn't work out and we eventually had to home school anyway. So essentially the entire assessment process was pointless., I think this is what I’m most leaning towards… I’ve always hoped her pediatrician would help, but if she’s not raising concerns, I figure they don’t see enough in the office to make any recommendations for ASD. I’m thinking I’ll try to suggest speech therapy., Agree with this. I wouldn’t mention Autism at this stage given where she’s at but start with the speech. It might be more helpful for her brother to have this conversation with her., Ugh thanks for sharing. Family is so hard! I really do love my nephew so much!, Ugh my daughter was diagnosed level 3 ASD at 2 years 5 months in October 2019. It only took that long because the only place our pediatrician would refer us to wouldn't even answer calls or messages for months. I had no idea what to do back then. We had also not known better and moved to a state with crap supports that same month. We got her into a day program with speech and OT but ABA was barely available, waitlists frozen all of 2020 and 2021, and all aged out at 5. So. Much. Wasted. Time. I wish someone was around to tell me what mistakes I was making., Early intervention is the most effective means of overcoming the presentations of ASD., This is really good…thank you, Love this, thank you, I actually have suggested this! I’ve suggested a MDO a couple days a week so he can socialize. She says they don’t want to pay for it…, Bad bot, "possibility of", Rather than bringing up Autism which can be a bit much for parents. Talk to your brother about getting your nephew into speech. It’s a much gentler conversation plus what you’re describing sounds more like global developmental delay with an articulation disorder. You certainly can have autism with an articulation disorder either way they still need speech., Sounds like the family I married into. They’re so secretive for no reason. Meanwhile in my family we’re all open books and comments on the kid’s development are normal for us. I don’t mind it all because it’s been helpful for me. Both my children have speech therapy, OT and my son is diagnosed as being on the spectrum. I don’t understand why people shun help when the resources out there are amazing now., Not sure where you live, but public schools have VPK for 4yr olds. And it’s free, "possibility've", u/lottathots I’ve read all the comments and this definitely the best advice. The child’s diagnosis could be different, not necessarily autism. Either way, I think just getting them in front of a professional should be great! I’m sure the speech therapist will mention future investigations themselves, Totally agree…I think people fear what they don’t understand. My in laws are not very educated on this topic and I think when they think of autism, it’s level 3, nonverbal, etc instead of a whole spectrum., Oh yeah, I really want this for him. They are wanting to homeschool though 😑, I agree. I’m an educator, but by no means an expert on Autism. There are many other signs besides speech, but I know I could def be wrong. I think I’m going to find a way to suggest speech therapy and pray for the best., Exactly! The same thing with my in laws and sister in laws. They don’t understand what being on the spectrum means.

Should I mind my own business?

Edit: Thank you for the feedback. I will definitely mind my own business I'm a parent of two very different autistic children. I spend a lot of time within our local autistic community so I am privy to many different ways that autism presents in people. When I'm at the playground and I see very young children who are showing signs of autism, should I mind my own business or can I say something to the caregiver? The reason I want to say something is because with my oldest, people were always saying "they'll catch up" "don't worry" "they're not autistic because they make eye contact or affectionate" but I wish someone would have said "yeah I think your kid is autistic". So what say you al

"You've observed my child for five minutes. What makes you think that you know my child better than I do, are you a doctor?" Be prepared for (quite correct) responses like this., What makes you think they aren’t already seeking diagnosis or speaking to medical professionals? It’s really none of your business., Please mind your own business on this one, I would be in the camp of mind your own business. If my own kid had not already been diagnosed because of early intervention, I would not have taken kindly someone I do not really know saying, "I think your kid is autistic." I would have been incredibly offended and defensive of my son. I already saw the signs before his diagnosis, but I held onto hope that it was just going to be minor things. Breaking that hope from a stranger and not a professional would have left me pissed and heartbroken. For many, there is a degree of grieving before acceptance can happen when an autism diagnosis happens. Life completely changes around them when autism is thrown into the mix A potential life of opportunities that could never be. Had dreams of going to sports games and sharing their accomplishments? Nah, The achievements that are now celebrated are just to sit on the potty for a few minutes. Hoping they have lots of friends to hang out with? Best of luck finding one friend willing to come to a birthday party without having a complete meltdown. And wanna know my personal favorite? Dreams of my son calling me dad has been put on hold... if it ever happens. I am still pretty sensitive about my son being nonverbal....even as he turns 4. So if I was not already suspicious of my child having autism, I might just have replied to that stranger.... "And my hands are rated E for Everyone, ready to be thrown at any time." in the most backhanded way. I have had my grieving time to accept what life is for my family now and am able to talk about my son's challenges freely, but that took time and support from family, friends, and doctors. I am learning how to talk about ASD outside my inner circle. And as his father, I still am prone to want to square up in defense of my son.... even if it is well-meaning., Definitely mind your business here. No one wants random strangers diagnosing their children., Yup, do not get involved with other peoples children., Yes. Yes, you should mind your own business. You literally know nothing about them., If some rando came up to me on a playground, and told me they thought my kid was autistic, I would not be polite. He is. He is diagnosed and in therapy. But I don't want to have a conversation about my child's medical status with a total stranger when I am just trying to play with him at the park and enjoying my day., I don't think people would react nicely to a stranger's comment... If you are friends with a parent - you can say something like "I've noticed your kid spins in circles" and then figure out what they think., I'd be on the side of minding your own business. I can think of so many ways this interaction could go sideways especially with strangers. You don't know their history/experience. My kid was on a wait-list to be evaluated for 1 year. The last thing I would have wanted is for strangers to say "go get evaluated your child might be on the spectrum" .. when we were already trying and doing everything we could., Respectfully, yes mind your own business. 🤍, So before my 5 year old was diagnosed, i had a talk with his babysitter (her youngest, 20 something male is autistic) she explicitly mentioned she does not say a word to any parents that she suspects may have some similarities to her son. She made that mistake once, and the parent was VERY unhappy that she mentioned anything. I asked her once my son’s primary GP doc had mentioned getting a referral for a specialist. I knew there were speech delays and some signs, but never suspected autism. I asked her what she thought, and she said most of the above. So long story short, no I wouldn’t say anything., This actually happened to me! I do have concerns about my recently turned 3 year old, we have just finished a course of speech therapy and may ne progressing to a formal assessment in rhe coming months. At a softplay a lady outright asked me if she was autistic. I was so taken aback I didn't know what to say and that was with me having some concerns so wasnt something completely new. I don't think I was angry but it just sent my brain into a spiral as I was already worried and the fact that someone else questioned it just worried me even more to be honest!, When my child was about to turn 3 years old. I met with another young mother waiting outside for eye check up. She observed my child and we casually started talking. I opened about my child being speech delay but she told me that she has a nephew who is similar and it takes ages to get any sort of therapy or ped appointment here in UK. I wasnt aware about ASD. We were here in uk for work away from family n friends. None in my family has Autism. She told me to look up after going home. Bless her. I literally thank God for that lady. I was waiting for hearing and speech assessment but reading the signs about ASD in young children immediately was clear that mine was autistic.i then asked my childminder and she confirmed that she believe my child could be on spectrum. I was shocked that my child goes to this CM from 5 months and she never once told me to get something checked.she tried infact calm me stating after 4 some kids talk. Because i worked on my child after reading about floortime and other play based things (Laura Mize speech videos) My child goes to mainstream school. Speaks in sentences. I could get the OT, speech therapy via EHCP. I see some other kids suffer because the other parents are just waiting that the child will grow out. These are crucial years., My professor in college (child development) said unless you're in a position to make a suggestion that a child might be on the spectrum, or a parent comes to you and asks for your professional opinion, it's best to not say anything. She had a teacher aid or a class room parent, (they weren't there often) basically go above my professor, didn't discuss it with her in advance , take the parents a child aside at pick up... I don't remember the details but the child had already been evaluated& diagnosed with a different condition, not ASD. BUT the parents got super offended and tried to sue. My professor said in the end no one got sued- but a reminder that this is a delicate topic and needs to be handled with care. I know for some it's as easy as saying "hey you have something in your teeth/TP stuck on your shoe" but for others it isn't., My child already was verbal. But not using functional language. Can speak letters, few words, colors and numbers. Can sing few rhymes too clear words but no eye contact and understanding. When i started working on the receptive language everything got better. I wish the so called NHS speech therapists or child minder gave me hint sooner about ASD. I would have worked on my child earlier., "You've observed my child for five minutes. What makes you think that you know my child better than I do, are you a doctor?" Be prepared for (quite correct) responses like this., What makes you think they aren’t already seeking diagnosis or speaking to medical professionals? It’s really none of your business., Please mind your own business on this one, I would be in the camp of mind your own business. If my own kid had not already been diagnosed because of early intervention, I would not have taken kindly someone I do not really know saying, "I think your kid is autistic." I would have been incredibly offended and defensive of my son. I already saw the signs before his diagnosis, but I held onto hope that it was just going to be minor things. Breaking that hope from a stranger and not a professional would have left me pissed and heartbroken. For many, there is a degree of grieving before acceptance can happen when an autism diagnosis happens. Life completely changes around them when autism is thrown into the mix A potential life of opportunities that could never be. Had dreams of going to sports games and sharing their accomplishments? Nah, The achievements that are now celebrated are just to sit on the potty for a few minutes. Hoping they have lots of friends to hang out with? Best of luck finding one friend willing to come to a birthday party without having a complete meltdown. And wanna know my personal favorite? Dreams of my son calling me dad has been put on hold... if it ever happens. I am still pretty sensitive about my son being nonverbal....even as he turns 4. So if I was not already suspicious of my child having autism, I might just have replied to that stranger.... "And my hands are rated E for Everyone, ready to be thrown at any time." in the most backhanded way. I have had my grieving time to accept what life is for my family now and am able to talk about my son's challenges freely, but that took time and support from family, friends, and doctors. I am learning how to talk about ASD outside my inner circle. And as his father, I still am prone to want to square up in defense of my son.... even if it is well-meaning., Definitely mind your business here. No one wants random strangers diagnosing their children., Yup, do not get involved with other peoples children., Yes. Yes, you should mind your own business. You literally know nothing about them., If some rando came up to me on a playground, and told me they thought my kid was autistic, I would not be polite. He is. He is diagnosed and in therapy. But I don't want to have a conversation about my child's medical status with a total stranger when I am just trying to play with him at the park and enjoying my day., I don't think people would react nicely to a stranger's comment... If you are friends with a parent - you can say something like "I've noticed your kid spins in circles" and then figure out what they think., I'd be on the side of minding your own business. I can think of so many ways this interaction could go sideways especially with strangers. You don't know their history/experience. My kid was on a wait-list to be evaluated for 1 year. The last thing I would have wanted is for strangers to say "go get evaluated your child might be on the spectrum" .. when we were already trying and doing everything we could., Respectfully, yes mind your own business. 🤍, So before my 5 year old was diagnosed, i had a talk with his babysitter (her youngest, 20 something male is autistic) she explicitly mentioned she does not say a word to any parents that she suspects may have some similarities to her son. She made that mistake once, and the parent was VERY unhappy that she mentioned anything. I asked her once my son’s primary GP doc had mentioned getting a referral for a specialist. I knew there were speech delays and some signs, but never suspected autism. I asked her what she thought, and she said most of the above. So long story short, no I wouldn’t say anything., This actually happened to me! I do have concerns about my recently turned 3 year old, we have just finished a course of speech therapy and may ne progressing to a formal assessment in rhe coming months. At a softplay a lady outright asked me if she was autistic. I was so taken aback I didn't know what to say and that was with me having some concerns so wasnt something completely new. I don't think I was angry but it just sent my brain into a spiral as I was already worried and the fact that someone else questioned it just worried me even more to be honest!, When my child was about to turn 3 years old. I met with another young mother waiting outside for eye check up. She observed my child and we casually started talking. I opened about my child being speech delay but she told me that she has a nephew who is similar and it takes ages to get any sort of therapy or ped appointment here in UK. I wasnt aware about ASD. We were here in uk for work away from family n friends. None in my family has Autism. She told me to look up after going home. Bless her. I literally thank God for that lady. I was waiting for hearing and speech assessment but reading the signs about ASD in young children immediately was clear that mine was autistic.i then asked my childminder and she confirmed that she believe my child could be on spectrum. I was shocked that my child goes to this CM from 5 months and she never once told me to get something checked.she tried infact calm me stating after 4 some kids talk. Because i worked on my child after reading about floortime and other play based things (Laura Mize speech videos) My child goes to mainstream school. Speaks in sentences. I could get the OT, speech therapy via EHCP. I see some other kids suffer because the other parents are just waiting that the child will grow out. These are crucial years., My professor in college (child development) said unless you're in a position to make a suggestion that a child might be on the spectrum, or a parent comes to you and asks for your professional opinion, it's best to not say anything. She had a teacher aid or a class room parent, (they weren't there often) basically go above my professor, didn't discuss it with her in advance , take the parents a child aside at pick up... I don't remember the details but the child had already been evaluated& diagnosed with a different condition, not ASD. BUT the parents got super offended and tried to sue. My professor said in the end no one got sued- but a reminder that this is a delicate topic and needs to be handled with care. I know for some it's as easy as saying "hey you have something in your teeth/TP stuck on your shoe" but for others it isn't., My child already was verbal. But not using functional language. Can speak letters, few words, colors and numbers. Can sing few rhymes too clear words but no eye contact and understanding. When i started working on the receptive language everything got better. I wish the so called NHS speech therapists or child minder gave me hint sooner about ASD. I would have worked on my child earlier., "You've observed my child for five minutes. What makes you think that you know my child better than I do, are you a doctor?" Be prepared for (quite correct) responses like this., What makes you think they aren’t already seeking diagnosis or speaking to medical professionals? It’s really none of your business., Please mind your own business on this one, I would be in the camp of mind your own business. If my own kid had not already been diagnosed because of early intervention, I would not have taken kindly someone I do not really know saying, "I think your kid is autistic." I would have been incredibly offended and defensive of my son. I already saw the signs before his diagnosis, but I held onto hope that it was just going to be minor things. Breaking that hope from a stranger and not a professional would have left me pissed and heartbroken. For many, there is a degree of grieving before acceptance can happen when an autism diagnosis happens. Life completely changes around them when autism is thrown into the mix A potential life of opportunities that could never be. Had dreams of going to sports games and sharing their accomplishments? Nah, The achievements that are now celebrated are just to sit on the potty for a few minutes. Hoping they have lots of friends to hang out with? Best of luck finding one friend willing to come to a birthday party without having a complete meltdown. And wanna know my personal favorite? Dreams of my son calling me dad has been put on hold... if it ever happens. I am still pretty sensitive about my son being nonverbal....even as he turns 4. So if I was not already suspicious of my child having autism, I might just have replied to that stranger.... "And my hands are rated E for Everyone, ready to be thrown at any time." in the most backhanded way. I have had my grieving time to accept what life is for my family now and am able to talk about my son's challenges freely, but that took time and support from family, friends, and doctors. I am learning how to talk about ASD outside my inner circle. And as his father, I still am prone to want to square up in defense of my son.... even if it is well-meaning., Definitely mind your business here. No one wants random strangers diagnosing their children., Yup, do not get involved with other peoples children., Yes. Yes, you should mind your own business. You literally know nothing about them., If some rando came up to me on a playground, and told me they thought my kid was autistic, I would not be polite. He is. He is diagnosed and in therapy. But I don't want to have a conversation about my child's medical status with a total stranger when I am just trying to play with him at the park and enjoying my day., I don't think people would react nicely to a stranger's comment... If you are friends with a parent - you can say something like "I've noticed your kid spins in circles" and then figure out what they think., I'd be on the side of minding your own business. I can think of so many ways this interaction could go sideways especially with strangers. You don't know their history/experience. My kid was on a wait-list to be evaluated for 1 year. The last thing I would have wanted is for strangers to say "go get evaluated your child might be on the spectrum" .. when we were already trying and doing everything we could., Respectfully, yes mind your own business. 🤍, So before my 5 year old was diagnosed, i had a talk with his babysitter (her youngest, 20 something male is autistic) she explicitly mentioned she does not say a word to any parents that she suspects may have some similarities to her son. She made that mistake once, and the parent was VERY unhappy that she mentioned anything. I asked her once my son’s primary GP doc had mentioned getting a referral for a specialist. I knew there were speech delays and some signs, but never suspected autism. I asked her what she thought, and she said most of the above. So long story short, no I wouldn’t say anything., This actually happened to me! I do have concerns about my recently turned 3 year old, we have just finished a course of speech therapy and may ne progressing to a formal assessment in rhe coming months. At a softplay a lady outright asked me if she was autistic. I was so taken aback I didn't know what to say and that was with me having some concerns so wasnt something completely new. I don't think I was angry but it just sent my brain into a spiral as I was already worried and the fact that someone else questioned it just worried me even more to be honest!, When my child was about to turn 3 years old. I met with another young mother waiting outside for eye check up. She observed my child and we casually started talking. I opened about my child being speech delay but she told me that she has a nephew who is similar and it takes ages to get any sort of therapy or ped appointment here in UK. I wasnt aware about ASD. We were here in uk for work away from family n friends. None in my family has Autism. She told me to look up after going home. Bless her. I literally thank God for that lady. I was waiting for hearing and speech assessment but reading the signs about ASD in young children immediately was clear that mine was autistic.i then asked my childminder and she confirmed that she believe my child could be on spectrum. I was shocked that my child goes to this CM from 5 months and she never once told me to get something checked.she tried infact calm me stating after 4 some kids talk. Because i worked on my child after reading about floortime and other play based things (Laura Mize speech videos) My child goes to mainstream school. Speaks in sentences. I could get the OT, speech therapy via EHCP. I see some other kids suffer because the other parents are just waiting that the child will grow out. These are crucial years., My professor in college (child development) said unless you're in a position to make a suggestion that a child might be on the spectrum, or a parent comes to you and asks for your professional opinion, it's best to not say anything. She had a teacher aid or a class room parent, (they weren't there often) basically go above my professor, didn't discuss it with her in advance , take the parents a child aside at pick up... I don't remember the details but the child had already been evaluated& diagnosed with a different condition, not ASD. BUT the parents got super offended and tried to sue. My professor said in the end no one got sued- but a reminder that this is a delicate topic and needs to be handled with care. I know for some it's as easy as saying "hey you have something in your teeth/TP stuck on your shoe" but for others it isn't., My child already was verbal. But not using functional language. Can speak letters, few words, colors and numbers. Can sing few rhymes too clear words but no eye contact and understanding. When i started working on the receptive language everything got better. I wish the so called NHS speech therapists or child minder gave me hint sooner about ASD. I would have worked on my child earlier., "You've observed my child for five minutes. What makes you think that you know my child better than I do, are you a doctor?" Be prepared for (quite correct) responses like this., What makes you think they aren’t already seeking diagnosis or speaking to medical professionals? It’s really none of your business., Please mind your own business on this one, I would be in the camp of mind your own business. If my own kid had not already been diagnosed because of early intervention, I would not have taken kindly someone I do not really know saying, "I think your kid is autistic." I would have been incredibly offended and defensive of my son. I already saw the signs before his diagnosis, but I held onto hope that it was just going to be minor things. Breaking that hope from a stranger and not a professional would have left me pissed and heartbroken. For many, there is a degree of grieving before acceptance can happen when an autism diagnosis happens. Life completely changes around them when autism is thrown into the mix A potential life of opportunities that could never be. Had dreams of going to sports games and sharing their accomplishments? Nah, The achievements that are now celebrated are just to sit on the potty for a few minutes. Hoping they have lots of friends to hang out with? Best of luck finding one friend willing to come to a birthday party without having a complete meltdown. And wanna know my personal favorite? Dreams of my son calling me dad has been put on hold... if it ever happens. I am still pretty sensitive about my son being nonverbal....even as he turns 4. So if I was not already suspicious of my child having autism, I might just have replied to that stranger.... "And my hands are rated E for Everyone, ready to be thrown at any time." in the most backhanded way. I have had my grieving time to accept what life is for my family now and am able to talk about my son's challenges freely, but that took time and support from family, friends, and doctors. I am learning how to talk about ASD outside my inner circle. And as his father, I still am prone to want to square up in defense of my son.... even if it is well-meaning., Definitely mind your business here. No one wants random strangers diagnosing their children., Yup, do not get involved with other peoples children., Yes. Yes, you should mind your own business. You literally know nothing about them., If some rando came up to me on a playground, and told me they thought my kid was autistic, I would not be polite. He is. He is diagnosed and in therapy. But I don't want to have a conversation about my child's medical status with a total stranger when I am just trying to play with him at the park and enjoying my day., I don't think people would react nicely to a stranger's comment... If you are friends with a parent - you can say something like "I've noticed your kid spins in circles" and then figure out what they think., I'd be on the side of minding your own business. I can think of so many ways this interaction could go sideways especially with strangers. You don't know their history/experience. My kid was on a wait-list to be evaluated for 1 year. The last thing I would have wanted is for strangers to say "go get evaluated your child might be on the spectrum" .. when we were already trying and doing everything we could., Respectfully, yes mind your own business. 🤍, So before my 5 year old was diagnosed, i had a talk with his babysitter (her youngest, 20 something male is autistic) she explicitly mentioned she does not say a word to any parents that she suspects may have some similarities to her son. She made that mistake once, and the parent was VERY unhappy that she mentioned anything. I asked her once my son’s primary GP doc had mentioned getting a referral for a specialist. I knew there were speech delays and some signs, but never suspected autism. I asked her what she thought, and she said most of the above. So long story short, no I wouldn’t say anything., This actually happened to me! I do have concerns about my recently turned 3 year old, we have just finished a course of speech therapy and may ne progressing to a formal assessment in rhe coming months. At a softplay a lady outright asked me if she was autistic. I was so taken aback I didn't know what to say and that was with me having some concerns so wasnt something completely new. I don't think I was angry but it just sent my brain into a spiral as I was already worried and the fact that someone else questioned it just worried me even more to be honest!, When my child was about to turn 3 years old. I met with another young mother waiting outside for eye check up. She observed my child and we casually started talking. I opened about my child being speech delay but she told me that she has a nephew who is similar and it takes ages to get any sort of therapy or ped appointment here in UK. I wasnt aware about ASD. We were here in uk for work away from family n friends. None in my family has Autism. She told me to look up after going home. Bless her. I literally thank God for that lady. I was waiting for hearing and speech assessment but reading the signs about ASD in young children immediately was clear that mine was autistic.i then asked my childminder and she confirmed that she believe my child could be on spectrum. I was shocked that my child goes to this CM from 5 months and she never once told me to get something checked.she tried infact calm me stating after 4 some kids talk. Because i worked on my child after reading about floortime and other play based things (Laura Mize speech videos) My child goes to mainstream school. Speaks in sentences. I could get the OT, speech therapy via EHCP. I see some other kids suffer because the other parents are just waiting that the child will grow out. These are crucial years., My professor in college (child development) said unless you're in a position to make a suggestion that a child might be on the spectrum, or a parent comes to you and asks for your professional opinion, it's best to not say anything. She had a teacher aid or a class room parent, (they weren't there often) basically go above my professor, didn't discuss it with her in advance , take the parents a child aside at pick up... I don't remember the details but the child had already been evaluated& diagnosed with a different condition, not ASD. BUT the parents got super offended and tried to sue. My professor said in the end no one got sued- but a reminder that this is a delicate topic and needs to be handled with care. I know for some it's as easy as saying "hey you have something in your teeth/TP stuck on your shoe" but for others it isn't., My child already was verbal. But not using functional language. Can speak letters, few words, colors and numbers. Can sing few rhymes too clear words but no eye contact and understanding. When i started working on the receptive language everything got better. I wish the so called NHS speech therapists or child minder gave me hint sooner about ASD. I would have worked on my child earlier., "You've observed my child for five minutes. What makes you think that you know my child better than I do, are you a doctor?" Be prepared for (quite correct) responses like this., What makes you think they aren’t already seeking diagnosis or speaking to medical professionals? It’s really none of your business., Please mind your own business on this one, I would be in the camp of mind your own business. If my own kid had not already been diagnosed because of early intervention, I would not have taken kindly someone I do not really know saying, "I think your kid is autistic." I would have been incredibly offended and defensive of my son. I already saw the signs before his diagnosis, but I held onto hope that it was just going to be minor things. Breaking that hope from a stranger and not a professional would have left me pissed and heartbroken. For many, there is a degree of grieving before acceptance can happen when an autism diagnosis happens. Life completely changes around them when autism is thrown into the mix A potential life of opportunities that could never be. Had dreams of going to sports games and sharing their accomplishments? Nah, The achievements that are now celebrated are just to sit on the potty for a few minutes. Hoping they have lots of friends to hang out with? Best of luck finding one friend willing to come to a birthday party without having a complete meltdown. And wanna know my personal favorite? Dreams of my son calling me dad has been put on hold... if it ever happens. I am still pretty sensitive about my son being nonverbal....even as he turns 4. So if I was not already suspicious of my child having autism, I might just have replied to that stranger.... "And my hands are rated E for Everyone, ready to be thrown at any time." in the most backhanded way. I have had my grieving time to accept what life is for my family now and am able to talk about my son's challenges freely, but that took time and support from family, friends, and doctors. I am learning how to talk about ASD outside my inner circle. And as his father, I still am prone to want to square up in defense of my son.... even if it is well-meaning., Definitely mind your business here. No one wants random strangers diagnosing their children., Yup, do not get involved with other peoples children., Yes. Yes, you should mind your own business. You literally know nothing about them., If some rando came up to me on a playground, and told me they thought my kid was autistic, I would not be polite. He is. He is diagnosed and in therapy. But I don't want to have a conversation about my child's medical status with a total stranger when I am just trying to play with him at the park and enjoying my day., I don't think people would react nicely to a stranger's comment... If you are friends with a parent - you can say something like "I've noticed your kid spins in circles" and then figure out what they think., I'd be on the side of minding your own business. I can think of so many ways this interaction could go sideways especially with strangers. You don't know their history/experience. My kid was on a wait-list to be evaluated for 1 year. The last thing I would have wanted is for strangers to say "go get evaluated your child might be on the spectrum" .. when we were already trying and doing everything we could., Respectfully, yes mind your own business. 🤍, So before my 5 year old was diagnosed, i had a talk with his babysitter (her youngest, 20 something male is autistic) she explicitly mentioned she does not say a word to any parents that she suspects may have some similarities to her son. She made that mistake once, and the parent was VERY unhappy that she mentioned anything. I asked her once my son’s primary GP doc had mentioned getting a referral for a specialist. I knew there were speech delays and some signs, but never suspected autism. I asked her what she thought, and she said most of the above. So long story short, no I wouldn’t say anything., This actually happened to me! I do have concerns about my recently turned 3 year old, we have just finished a course of speech therapy and may ne progressing to a formal assessment in rhe coming months. At a softplay a lady outright asked me if she was autistic. I was so taken aback I didn't know what to say and that was with me having some concerns so wasnt something completely new. I don't think I was angry but it just sent my brain into a spiral as I was already worried and the fact that someone else questioned it just worried me even more to be honest!, When my child was about to turn 3 years old. I met with another young mother waiting outside for eye check up. She observed my child and we casually started talking. I opened about my child being speech delay but she told me that she has a nephew who is similar and it takes ages to get any sort of therapy or ped appointment here in UK. I wasnt aware about ASD. We were here in uk for work away from family n friends. None in my family has Autism. She told me to look up after going home. Bless her. I literally thank God for that lady. I was waiting for hearing and speech assessment but reading the signs about ASD in young children immediately was clear that mine was autistic.i then asked my childminder and she confirmed that she believe my child could be on spectrum. I was shocked that my child goes to this CM from 5 months and she never once told me to get something checked.she tried infact calm me stating after 4 some kids talk. Because i worked on my child after reading about floortime and other play based things (Laura Mize speech videos) My child goes to mainstream school. Speaks in sentences. I could get the OT, speech therapy via EHCP. I see some other kids suffer because the other parents are just waiting that the child will grow out. These are crucial years., My professor in college (child development) said unless you're in a position to make a suggestion that a child might be on the spectrum, or a parent comes to you and asks for your professional opinion, it's best to not say anything. She had a teacher aid or a class room parent, (they weren't there often) basically go above my professor, didn't discuss it with her in advance , take the parents a child aside at pick up... I don't remember the details but the child had already been evaluated& diagnosed with a different condition, not ASD. BUT the parents got super offended and tried to sue. My professor said in the end no one got sued- but a reminder that this is a delicate topic and needs to be handled with care. I know for some it's as easy as saying "hey you have something in your teeth/TP stuck on your shoe" but for others it isn't., My child already was verbal. But not using functional language. Can speak letters, few words, colors and numbers. Can sing few rhymes too clear words but no eye contact and understanding. When i started working on the receptive language everything got better. I wish the so called NHS speech therapists or child minder gave me hint sooner about ASD. I would have worked on my child earlier., "You've observed my child for five minutes. What makes you think that you know my child better than I do, are you a doctor?" Be prepared for (quite correct) responses like this., What makes you think they aren’t already seeking diagnosis or speaking to medical professionals? It’s really none of your business., Please mind your own business on this one, I would be in the camp of mind your own business. If my own kid had not already been diagnosed because of early intervention, I would not have taken kindly someone I do not really know saying, "I think your kid is autistic." I would have been incredibly offended and defensive of my son. I already saw the signs before his diagnosis, but I held onto hope that it was just going to be minor things. Breaking that hope from a stranger and not a professional would have left me pissed and heartbroken. For many, there is a degree of grieving before acceptance can happen when an autism diagnosis happens. Life completely changes around them when autism is thrown into the mix A potential life of opportunities that could never be. Had dreams of going to sports games and sharing their accomplishments? Nah, The achievements that are now celebrated are just to sit on the potty for a few minutes. Hoping they have lots of friends to hang out with? Best of luck finding one friend willing to come to a birthday party without having a complete meltdown. And wanna know my personal favorite? Dreams of my son calling me dad has been put on hold... if it ever happens. I am still pretty sensitive about my son being nonverbal....even as he turns 4. So if I was not already suspicious of my child having autism, I might just have replied to that stranger.... "And my hands are rated E for Everyone, ready to be thrown at any time." in the most backhanded way. I have had my grieving time to accept what life is for my family now and am able to talk about my son's challenges freely, but that took time and support from family, friends, and doctors. I am learning how to talk about ASD outside my inner circle. And as his father, I still am prone to want to square up in defense of my son.... even if it is well-meaning., Definitely mind your business here. No one wants random strangers diagnosing their children., Yup, do not get involved with other peoples children., Yes. Yes, you should mind your own business. You literally know nothing about them., If some rando came up to me on a playground, and told me they thought my kid was autistic, I would not be polite. He is. He is diagnosed and in therapy. But I don't want to have a conversation about my child's medical status with a total stranger when I am just trying to play with him at the park and enjoying my day., I don't think people would react nicely to a stranger's comment... If you are friends with a parent - you can say something like "I've noticed your kid spins in circles" and then figure out what they think., I'd be on the side of minding your own business. I can think of so many ways this interaction could go sideways especially with strangers. You don't know their history/experience. My kid was on a wait-list to be evaluated for 1 year. The last thing I would have wanted is for strangers to say "go get evaluated your child might be on the spectrum" .. when we were already trying and doing everything we could., Respectfully, yes mind your own business. 🤍, So before my 5 year old was diagnosed, i had a talk with his babysitter (her youngest, 20 something male is autistic) she explicitly mentioned she does not say a word to any parents that she suspects may have some similarities to her son. She made that mistake once, and the parent was VERY unhappy that she mentioned anything. I asked her once my son’s primary GP doc had mentioned getting a referral for a specialist. I knew there were speech delays and some signs, but never suspected autism. I asked her what she thought, and she said most of the above. So long story short, no I wouldn’t say anything., This actually happened to me! I do have concerns about my recently turned 3 year old, we have just finished a course of speech therapy and may ne progressing to a formal assessment in rhe coming months. At a softplay a lady outright asked me if she was autistic. I was so taken aback I didn't know what to say and that was with me having some concerns so wasnt something completely new. I don't think I was angry but it just sent my brain into a spiral as I was already worried and the fact that someone else questioned it just worried me even more to be honest!, When my child was about to turn 3 years old. I met with another young mother waiting outside for eye check up. She observed my child and we casually started talking. I opened about my child being speech delay but she told me that she has a nephew who is similar and it takes ages to get any sort of therapy or ped appointment here in UK. I wasnt aware about ASD. We were here in uk for work away from family n friends. None in my family has Autism. She told me to look up after going home. Bless her. I literally thank God for that lady. I was waiting for hearing and speech assessment but reading the signs about ASD in young children immediately was clear that mine was autistic.i then asked my childminder and she confirmed that she believe my child could be on spectrum. I was shocked that my child goes to this CM from 5 months and she never once told me to get something checked.she tried infact calm me stating after 4 some kids talk. Because i worked on my child after reading about floortime and other play based things (Laura Mize speech videos) My child goes to mainstream school. Speaks in sentences. I could get the OT, speech therapy via EHCP. I see some other kids suffer because the other parents are just waiting that the child will grow out. These are crucial years., My professor in college (child development) said unless you're in a position to make a suggestion that a child might be on the spectrum, or a parent comes to you and asks for your professional opinion, it's best to not say anything. She had a teacher aid or a class room parent, (they weren't there often) basically go above my professor, didn't discuss it with her in advance , take the parents a child aside at pick up... I don't remember the details but the child had already been evaluated& diagnosed with a different condition, not ASD. BUT the parents got super offended and tried to sue. My professor said in the end no one got sued- but a reminder that this is a delicate topic and needs to be handled with care. I know for some it's as easy as saying "hey you have something in your teeth/TP stuck on your shoe" but for others it isn't., My child already was verbal. But not using functional language. Can speak letters, few words, colors and numbers. Can sing few rhymes too clear words but no eye contact and understanding. When i started working on the receptive language everything got better. I wish the so called NHS speech therapists or child minder gave me hint sooner about ASD. I would have worked on my child earlier., "You've observed my child for five minutes. What makes you think that you know my child better than I do, are you a doctor?" Be prepared for (quite correct) responses like this., What makes you think they aren’t already seeking diagnosis or speaking to medical professionals? It’s really none of your business., Please mind your own business on this one, I would be in the camp of mind your own business. If my own kid had not already been diagnosed because of early intervention, I would not have taken kindly someone I do not really know saying, "I think your kid is autistic." I would have been incredibly offended and defensive of my son. I already saw the signs before his diagnosis, but I held onto hope that it was just going to be minor things. Breaking that hope from a stranger and not a professional would have left me pissed and heartbroken. For many, there is a degree of grieving before acceptance can happen when an autism diagnosis happens. Life completely changes around them when autism is thrown into the mix A potential life of opportunities that could never be. Had dreams of going to sports games and sharing their accomplishments? Nah, The achievements that are now celebrated are just to sit on the potty for a few minutes. Hoping they have lots of friends to hang out with? Best of luck finding one friend willing to come to a birthday party without having a complete meltdown. And wanna know my personal favorite? Dreams of my son calling me dad has been put on hold... if it ever happens. I am still pretty sensitive about my son being nonverbal....even as he turns 4. So if I was not already suspicious of my child having autism, I might just have replied to that stranger.... "And my hands are rated E for Everyone, ready to be thrown at any time." in the most backhanded way. I have had my grieving time to accept what life is for my family now and am able to talk about my son's challenges freely, but that took time and support from family, friends, and doctors. I am learning how to talk about ASD outside my inner circle. And as his father, I still am prone to want to square up in defense of my son.... even if it is well-meaning., Definitely mind your business here. No one wants random strangers diagnosing their children., Yup, do not get involved with other peoples children., Yes. Yes, you should mind your own business. You literally know nothing about them., If some rando came up to me on a playground, and told me they thought my kid was autistic, I would not be polite. He is. He is diagnosed and in therapy. But I don't want to have a conversation about my child's medical status with a total stranger when I am just trying to play with him at the park and enjoying my day., I don't think people would react nicely to a stranger's comment... If you are friends with a parent - you can say something like "I've noticed your kid spins in circles" and then figure out what they think., I'd be on the side of minding your own business. I can think of so many ways this interaction could go sideways especially with strangers. You don't know their history/experience. My kid was on a wait-list to be evaluated for 1 year. The last thing I would have wanted is for strangers to say "go get evaluated your child might be on the spectrum" .. when we were already trying and doing everything we could., Respectfully, yes mind your own business. 🤍, So before my 5 year old was diagnosed, i had a talk with his babysitter (her youngest, 20 something male is autistic) she explicitly mentioned she does not say a word to any parents that she suspects may have some similarities to her son. She made that mistake once, and the parent was VERY unhappy that she mentioned anything. I asked her once my son’s primary GP doc had mentioned getting a referral for a specialist. I knew there were speech delays and some signs, but never suspected autism. I asked her what she thought, and she said most of the above. So long story short, no I wouldn’t say anything., This actually happened to me! I do have concerns about my recently turned 3 year old, we have just finished a course of speech therapy and may ne progressing to a formal assessment in rhe coming months. At a softplay a lady outright asked me if she was autistic. I was so taken aback I didn't know what to say and that was with me having some concerns so wasnt something completely new. I don't think I was angry but it just sent my brain into a spiral as I was already worried and the fact that someone else questioned it just worried me even more to be honest!, When my child was about to turn 3 years old. I met with another young mother waiting outside for eye check up. She observed my child and we casually started talking. I opened about my child being speech delay but she told me that she has a nephew who is similar and it takes ages to get any sort of therapy or ped appointment here in UK. I wasnt aware about ASD. We were here in uk for work away from family n friends. None in my family has Autism. She told me to look up after going home. Bless her. I literally thank God for that lady. I was waiting for hearing and speech assessment but reading the signs about ASD in young children immediately was clear that mine was autistic.i then asked my childminder and she confirmed that she believe my child could be on spectrum. I was shocked that my child goes to this CM from 5 months and she never once told me to get something checked.she tried infact calm me stating after 4 some kids talk. Because i worked on my child after reading about floortime and other play based things (Laura Mize speech videos) My child goes to mainstream school. Speaks in sentences. I could get the OT, speech therapy via EHCP. I see some other kids suffer because the other parents are just waiting that the child will grow out. These are crucial years., My professor in college (child development) said unless you're in a position to make a suggestion that a child might be on the spectrum, or a parent comes to you and asks for your professional opinion, it's best to not say anything. She had a teacher aid or a class room parent, (they weren't there often) basically go above my professor, didn't discuss it with her in advance , take the parents a child aside at pick up... I don't remember the details but the child had already been evaluated& diagnosed with a different condition, not ASD. BUT the parents got super offended and tried to sue. My professor said in the end no one got sued- but a reminder that this is a delicate topic and needs to be handled with care. I know for some it's as easy as saying "hey you have something in your teeth/TP stuck on your shoe" but for others it isn't., My child already was verbal. But not using functional language. Can speak letters, few words, colors and numbers. Can sing few rhymes too clear words but no eye contact and understanding. When i started working on the receptive language everything got better. I wish the so called NHS speech therapists or child minder gave me hint sooner about ASD. I would have worked on my child earlier., "You've observed my child for five minutes. What makes you think that you know my child better than I do, are you a doctor?" Be prepared for (quite correct) responses like this., What makes you think they aren’t already seeking diagnosis or speaking to medical professionals? It’s really none of your business., Please mind your own business on this one, I would be in the camp of mind your own business. If my own kid had not already been diagnosed because of early intervention, I would not have taken kindly someone I do not really know saying, "I think your kid is autistic." I would have been incredibly offended and defensive of my son. I already saw the signs before his diagnosis, but I held onto hope that it was just going to be minor things. Breaking that hope from a stranger and not a professional would have left me pissed and heartbroken. For many, there is a degree of grieving before acceptance can happen when an autism diagnosis happens. Life completely changes around them when autism is thrown into the mix A potential life of opportunities that could never be. Had dreams of going to sports games and sharing their accomplishments? Nah, The achievements that are now celebrated are just to sit on the potty for a few minutes. Hoping they have lots of friends to hang out with? Best of luck finding one friend willing to come to a birthday party without having a complete meltdown. And wanna know my personal favorite? Dreams of my son calling me dad has been put on hold... if it ever happens. I am still pretty sensitive about my son being nonverbal....even as he turns 4. So if I was not already suspicious of my child having autism, I might just have replied to that stranger.... "And my hands are rated E for Everyone, ready to be thrown at any time." in the most backhanded way. I have had my grieving time to accept what life is for my family now and am able to talk about my son's challenges freely, but that took time and support from family, friends, and doctors. I am learning how to talk about ASD outside my inner circle. And as his father, I still am prone to want to square up in defense of my son.... even if it is well-meaning., Definitely mind your business here. No one wants random strangers diagnosing their children., Yup, do not get involved with other peoples children., Yes. Yes, you should mind your own business. You literally know nothing about them., If some rando came up to me on a playground, and told me they thought my kid was autistic, I would not be polite. He is. He is diagnosed and in therapy. But I don't want to have a conversation about my child's medical status with a total stranger when I am just trying to play with him at the park and enjoying my day., I don't think people would react nicely to a stranger's comment... If you are friends with a parent - you can say something like "I've noticed your kid spins in circles" and then figure out what they think., I'd be on the side of minding your own business. I can think of so many ways this interaction could go sideways especially with strangers. You don't know their history/experience. My kid was on a wait-list to be evaluated for 1 year. The last thing I would have wanted is for strangers to say "go get evaluated your child might be on the spectrum" .. when we were already trying and doing everything we could., Respectfully, yes mind your own business. 🤍, So before my 5 year old was diagnosed, i had a talk with his babysitter (her youngest, 20 something male is autistic) she explicitly mentioned she does not say a word to any parents that she suspects may have some similarities to her son. She made that mistake once, and the parent was VERY unhappy that she mentioned anything. I asked her once my son’s primary GP doc had mentioned getting a referral for a specialist. I knew there were speech delays and some signs, but never suspected autism. I asked her what she thought, and she said most of the above. So long story short, no I wouldn’t say anything., This actually happened to me! I do have concerns about my recently turned 3 year old, we have just finished a course of speech therapy and may ne progressing to a formal assessment in rhe coming months. At a softplay a lady outright asked me if she was autistic. I was so taken aback I didn't know what to say and that was with me having some concerns so wasnt something completely new. I don't think I was angry but it just sent my brain into a spiral as I was already worried and the fact that someone else questioned it just worried me even more to be honest!, When my child was about to turn 3 years old. I met with another young mother waiting outside for eye check up. She observed my child and we casually started talking. I opened about my child being speech delay but she told me that she has a nephew who is similar and it takes ages to get any sort of therapy or ped appointment here in UK. I wasnt aware about ASD. We were here in uk for work away from family n friends. None in my family has Autism. She told me to look up after going home. Bless her. I literally thank God for that lady. I was waiting for hearing and speech assessment but reading the signs about ASD in young children immediately was clear that mine was autistic.i then asked my childminder and she confirmed that she believe my child could be on spectrum. I was shocked that my child goes to this CM from 5 months and she never once told me to get something checked.she tried infact calm me stating after 4 some kids talk. Because i worked on my child after reading about floortime and other play based things (Laura Mize speech videos) My child goes to mainstream school. Speaks in sentences. I could get the OT, speech therapy via EHCP. I see some other kids suffer because the other parents are just waiting that the child will grow out. These are crucial years., My professor in college (child development) said unless you're in a position to make a suggestion that a child might be on the spectrum, or a parent comes to you and asks for your professional opinion, it's best to not say anything. She had a teacher aid or a class room parent, (they weren't there often) basically go above my professor, didn't discuss it with her in advance , take the parents a child aside at pick up... I don't remember the details but the child had already been evaluated& diagnosed with a different condition, not ASD. BUT the parents got super offended and tried to sue. My professor said in the end no one got sued- but a reminder that this is a delicate topic and needs to be handled with care. I know for some it's as easy as saying "hey you have something in your teeth/TP stuck on your shoe" but for others it isn't., My child already was verbal. But not using functional language. Can speak letters, few words, colors and numbers. Can sing few rhymes too clear words but no eye contact and understanding. When i started working on the receptive language everything got better. I wish the so called NHS speech therapists or child minder gave me hint sooner about ASD. I would have worked on my child earlier., "You've observed my child for five minutes. What makes you think that you know my child better than I do, are you a doctor?" Be prepared for (quite correct) responses like this., What makes you think they aren’t already seeking diagnosis or speaking to medical professionals? It’s really none of your business., Please mind your own business on this one, I would be in the camp of mind your own business. If my own kid had not already been diagnosed because of early intervention, I would not have taken kindly someone I do not really know saying, "I think your kid is autistic." I would have been incredibly offended and defensive of my son. I already saw the signs before his diagnosis, but I held onto hope that it was just going to be minor things. Breaking that hope from a stranger and not a professional would have left me pissed and heartbroken. For many, there is a degree of grieving before acceptance can happen when an autism diagnosis happens. Life completely changes around them when autism is thrown into the mix A potential life of opportunities that could never be. Had dreams of going to sports games and sharing their accomplishments? Nah, The achievements that are now celebrated are just to sit on the potty for a few minutes. Hoping they have lots of friends to hang out with? Best of luck finding one friend willing to come to a birthday party without having a complete meltdown. And wanna know my personal favorite? Dreams of my son calling me dad has been put on hold... if it ever happens. I am still pretty sensitive about my son being nonverbal....even as he turns 4. So if I was not already suspicious of my child having autism, I might just have replied to that stranger.... "And my hands are rated E for Everyone, ready to be thrown at any time." in the most backhanded way. I have had my grieving time to accept what life is for my family now and am able to talk about my son's challenges freely, but that took time and support from family, friends, and doctors. I am learning how to talk about ASD outside my inner circle. And as his father, I still am prone to want to square up in defense of my son.... even if it is well-meaning., Definitely mind your business here. No one wants random strangers diagnosing their children., Yup, do not get involved with other peoples children., Yes. Yes, you should mind your own business. You literally know nothing about them., If some rando came up to me on a playground, and told me they thought my kid was autistic, I would not be polite. He is. He is diagnosed and in therapy. But I don't want to have a conversation about my child's medical status with a total stranger when I am just trying to play with him at the park and enjoying my day., I don't think people would react nicely to a stranger's comment... If you are friends with a parent - you can say something like "I've noticed your kid spins in circles" and then figure out what they think., I'd be on the side of minding your own business. I can think of so many ways this interaction could go sideways especially with strangers. You don't know their history/experience. My kid was on a wait-list to be evaluated for 1 year. The last thing I would have wanted is for strangers to say "go get evaluated your child might be on the spectrum" .. when we were already trying and doing everything we could., Respectfully, yes mind your own business. 🤍, So before my 5 year old was diagnosed, i had a talk with his babysitter (her youngest, 20 something male is autistic) she explicitly mentioned she does not say a word to any parents that she suspects may have some similarities to her son. She made that mistake once, and the parent was VERY unhappy that she mentioned anything. I asked her once my son’s primary GP doc had mentioned getting a referral for a specialist. I knew there were speech delays and some signs, but never suspected autism. I asked her what she thought, and she said most of the above. So long story short, no I wouldn’t say anything., This actually happened to me! I do have concerns about my recently turned 3 year old, we have just finished a course of speech therapy and may ne progressing to a formal assessment in rhe coming months. At a softplay a lady outright asked me if she was autistic. I was so taken aback I didn't know what to say and that was with me having some concerns so wasnt something completely new. I don't think I was angry but it just sent my brain into a spiral as I was already worried and the fact that someone else questioned it just worried me even more to be honest!, When my child was about to turn 3 years old. I met with another young mother waiting outside for eye check up. She observed my child and we casually started talking. I opened about my child being speech delay but she told me that she has a nephew who is similar and it takes ages to get any sort of therapy or ped appointment here in UK. I wasnt aware about ASD. We were here in uk for work away from family n friends. None in my family has Autism. She told me to look up after going home. Bless her. I literally thank God for that lady. I was waiting for hearing and speech assessment but reading the signs about ASD in young children immediately was clear that mine was autistic.i then asked my childminder and she confirmed that she believe my child could be on spectrum. I was shocked that my child goes to this CM from 5 months and she never once told me to get something checked.she tried infact calm me stating after 4 some kids talk. Because i worked on my child after reading about floortime and other play based things (Laura Mize speech videos) My child goes to mainstream school. Speaks in sentences. I could get the OT, speech therapy via EHCP. I see some other kids suffer because the other parents are just waiting that the child will grow out. These are crucial years., My professor in college (child development) said unless you're in a position to make a suggestion that a child might be on the spectrum, or a parent comes to you and asks for your professional opinion, it's best to not say anything. She had a teacher aid or a class room parent, (they weren't there often) basically go above my professor, didn't discuss it with her in advance , take the parents a child aside at pick up... I don't remember the details but the child had already been evaluated& diagnosed with a different condition, not ASD. BUT the parents got super offended and tried to sue. My professor said in the end no one got sued- but a reminder that this is a delicate topic and needs to be handled with care. I know for some it's as easy as saying "hey you have something in your teeth/TP stuck on your shoe" but for others it isn't., My child already was verbal. But not using functional language. Can speak letters, few words, colors and numbers. Can sing few rhymes too clear words but no eye contact and understanding. When i started working on the receptive language everything got better. I wish the so called NHS speech therapists or child minder gave me hint sooner about ASD. I would have worked on my child earlier.

Should I or should I not have kids if I’m autistic?

What are the odds I pass autism down to my future children? Hi! My boyfriend really wants kids in the future and I’m on the fence. Im autistic (level 1) and im really worried id be passing my genes down. I can’t seem to find a clear answer online does anyone know any statistics on this? Im the only autistic person in my family and I don’t suspect my parents have it or anything either. Which i know isnt the norm, most autistic people i know and have spoken to have at the very least a sibling or a parent who is also autistic. Also, are there any autistic mothers of autistic kids on this sub who could give me some advice? I was hesitant about making a post cause I didn’t want to come off insensitive or dismissive of autistic parents and their children but i am so terrified. My bf and i are 23 so this wouldn’t be happening in the near future and not until we’re married and financially stable. But what is child birth and pregnancy like? What’s raising an autistic kid as an autistic person yourself like? What does your life look like and how do you feel on a day to day basis? Are there any pros? Do you regret it? I remember not even just as a kid but well into my teen years i was so abusive to my mom. Id scream id yell at her saying i hate her. My siblings resented me for most of their lives because i could never handle being out for long and wed have to leave things early and I was always having loud sometimes violent meltdowns. I was constantly having problems with the school and peers and behavioral issues both at school and home. Id lash out all of the time and I was honestly miserable myself. I pretty much sucked the life out of my family and sometimes i think about how easier their lives wouldve been if it were just them and my neurotypical siblings. I really do not want to be in the position my mom was in. I have a great relationship with my family now and I don’t blame them cause everyone has their limits. My bf really wants a biological kid, and even though ive explained to him what wed be signing up for he still insists that hes gonna want one someday. We also could very well end up with a non verbal level 3 child with behavioral and aggression issues. I feel like a horrible person for putting it this way cause I know he’s just a child who’s struggling but I keep thinking about Cash from tiktok and how thatd be my worst nightmare to have to live with and be responsible of. Even though im sure his mother loves him she just looks so defeated and I don’t have that kind of patience. I know that with having any kid there’s risks of physical and mental disabilities but I feel like if i were to have a kid it’d be almost a guarantee. Not to mention with myself being autistic idk how im supposed to deal with pregnancy and child birth sensory wise let alone raising a kid who has the potential of being loud violent abusive and aggressive. Im trying to get myself onboard with the idea for him. I know I sound like an ass writing this but if anyone can give me some advice itd mean the world to me right now. I know its a ways away but I feel like this is on my mind every second of every day. I actually posted this in another sub on another account a few months ago before I found this sub. I also know that the divorce rate with an autistic child is 80% so I’d love to hear your experiences regarding how your marriages have survived this. Along with wanting to know how your kids were as babies toddlers children teens and adults. I want to hear anything positive OR negative as long as its the honest truth. Thank you ❤️ (Also if anyone could help me to understand my boyfriend’s perspective thatd be appreciated too. I don’t really understand where that desire to have a biological kid comes from. I would be more open to it if there wasn’t this major risk and id love to adopt but he’s not interested in that. Hes not autistic but he has adhd as do i too)

[deleted], There is a strong genetic component to autism, so there would be an increased likelihood that your children would be autistic. There are also many stories of "lower support needs" parents having "high support needs" children, so that is something you would need to decide if you would be mentally and financially able to deal with. It is far, far from a certainty, but something you need to weigh out. What would happen if you ended up with a child who could never live independently. Is that a deal breaker for you? Is it a deal breaker for your SO? As I said, that is far from a certainty. It's just an increased risk out there. Especially if both you and your partner are ND. My daughter is level 1 and the more we learn about her, the more we grow to believe my husband is undiagnosed level 1 himself (he was diagnosed with a number of learning disabilities in the 90s, but under the modern criteria, we are pretty darn sure he would have been labeled autistic if being evaluated now). His mother is also pretty certain now that her father was looking back on it. Since one of my daughter's cousins on that side is also recently diagnosed, we're pretty darn sure where that came down genetically. That cousin's sister is also diagnosed ADHD, so of all the cousins on that side, we're 3 for 3 being ND. My husband and I personally have decided to be one and done because we don't feel we have the mental capacity to give another child the life they deserve, and we are able to pay for all the different therapies my daughter needs (money would be hella tight if we ended up with two kids needing therapies--especially since there's no guarantee a second wouldn't potentially have more issues. They could be NT of course, but we want to be able to provide the best we can for our daughter and don't want to gamble on that). When it comes to parenting, you can never know what you're going to come up against. My friends just lost their daughter to a heart defect that was just a fluke of nature. It happens. But you need to weigh your own personal abilities against the different likelihoods., >I remember not even just as a kid but well into my teen years i was so abusive to my mom. Id scream id yell at her saying i hate her. My siblings resented me for most of their lives because i could never handle being out for long and wed have to leave things early and I was always having loud sometimes violent meltdowns. I was constantly having problems with the school and peers and behavioral issues both at school and home. Id lash out all of the time and I was honestly miserable myself. I pretty much sucked the life out of my family and sometimes i think about how easier their lives wouldve been if it were just them and my neurotypical siblings. I really do not want to be in the position my mom was in. I have a great relationship with my family now and I don’t blame them cause everyone has their limits. I can't tell you whether or not you should have kids, but it really sounds like you would benefit a lot from trauma therapy. Your "constant behavioural problems" are what happens when a person has a chronically dysregulated nervous system. Years of chronic dysregulation causes trauma, even when nothing obviously "Traumatic" happened during that time. Being in a chronic state of fight or flight, not having the skills or resources to get out of it (because you were a child) and feeling like an outsider in your own family is real trauma. My older kid reminds me a lot of my older brother who sounds similar to you as a child, but possibly more violent and abusive towards his siblings. Once I realized she was autistic (at 2.5), I was absolutely terrified of every horrible thing that happened in my childhood repeating itself. She's only 5.5 now and she's the sweetest kid! She has a ton of anxiety and sometimes has bad meltdowns, but life is so much better and easier than I thought it would be, considering how bad my childhood was. I parent very differently than my parents and I focus on connection and regulation. My kids are thriving., Generally speaking, anything goes when you decide to have kids. Your child might not have autism but could still be neurodivergent with its own set of challenges. Or they could have medical issues that are hard. Or they could be “perfect” and get into an accident later on in life and you have to take care of them long term. Nobody knows unfortunately. Having a kid is stressful. Having a child with additional needs is usually more stressful. You definitely need to be 100% onboard with it., I think a geneticist can help determine your risk factor. Pregnancy and childbirth is doable. The parts you can control and help are to take good care of your health and find good medical care. (US). If there’s a good chance of having a child with ADHD or Autism, absolutely pay attention to the school system where you plan to live after your child is 3yrs. Prior to age 3yr it’s early intervention for any help which usually is county determined. Every child and every parent is different, I don’t think anyone can really prepare you. One thing that does help with parenting are things like babysitting or learning about child development., My dad was autistic. He was never diagnosed, as no one knew what autism even was back then, but when my daughter was diagnosed in the 90s (and diagnosing was still pretty new then, especially for girls), it all became clear to me. My youngest brother is likely autistic too. Maybe my oldest. I wonder if knowing when I was younger would have helped. Dad was a great guy, big heart, giving, but had some really difficult unusual behaviors that were way, way different from other dads, for sure. He sometimes drove others crazy and had pretty much no friends, but I don't think many people actively disliked him, because he was such a good guy. And he was smart. He could fix anything, and kids would bring him their bikes, toys, lawnmowers, even cars, and he'd just do it. Gratefully. Happy to help! I remember a friend parked her car in our drive once when she visited me, and when she came out my dad tells her, "I saw you needed your oil changed. I took care of it for you." Every Halloween he'd make batches of his famous fudge and everyone knew to come to his house to get it (50 years later I'd have people mention that to me). He was a good dad. I have 4 siblings. All 5 of us have an autistic child. So yeah, it's hereditary. They're all high functioning. Just like anyone thinking of having kids, consider yourself, your partner, and your resources, and that's what you use to make the decision. Can you care for a child? Do you want to? It's a forever job. Will you love them? Can you reasonably afford them? Good luck., Chances are you are not the only autistic person in your family even though some may be undiagnosed. No one, not even a geneticist can predict the chance of you having an autistic child because autism is very heterogenous. I think you should have a child if you want to have a child. Are you planning to marry/have children with your boyfriend in the very near future? Your boyfriend may want to volunteer with autistic children to get an idea of the different ways autism can look. I always tell my friends that don’t have children to open their mind because you don’t know what kind of child you will have. A diagnosed autistic person should procreate with the mindset, “I’d be okay if my child had autism” because there’s a very real chance it could occur., I’m autistic and have two children. One is autistic, one is not. If you want to have children then have them. Autism is not a deadly disease. Everything is genetic, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, heart disease, breast cancer. But we do not stop or dissuade women with a familial history of breast cancer or heart disease from having kids. Best of luck to you., You're not an ass for asking! If I had known I was likely ASD I would have been asking the same questions. My son is 3 and level 3 and non verbal but he is making progress so I don't think he will stay that way. It's emotionally really hard because I feel like I passed my autism on and it effects my son more significantly. With that said my son is a delightful boy with minimal behaviors who I love very much. For me, it's not his ASD day to day that makes things hard but it is the worry about his future, services, schools etc. I struggle significantly with anxiety. I think you have to make the decision that feels right for you ultimately but I think it's very responsible to ask these questions. I wish I had been able to do the same. I also would have felt better if I knew it was a possibility opposed to it being a complete shock., My son (ASD lvl 1) is the only one on either side of our families that is diagnosed. There might be undiagnosed ADHD but no one with autism. I have another NT toddler and am pregnant with number 3. I can only comment on how it impacts a marriage, for us it’s brought us closer, we are a team and we will do anything for our little guy. If he was high needs I’m sure that would put additional strain on a relationship. I would speak to your bf and ensure you are on the same page on how you would parent and support a child with ASD, there is no telling what level of support they may require etc. As parents we just don’t want our children’s lives to be harder than necessary, we just want them to be happy. That being said many NT people can still struggle with mental health or addiction, there is no guarantee our children will not face certain hardships. So in my eyes, yes the challenges of our NT and ASD children will be different, it doesn’t change the fact we will support them both in the best ways we can., Counter question, you say you were always lashing out and abusive to your mom. When and why did it stop?, There are no studies. That being said, my husband sees a therapist through "my autistic therpist" and she runs a coaching support group for autistic parents (as in you have ASD and you have kids). The fee is pretty nominal and might help with some of your fears. The coaching is available worldwide. My husband's therapist is autistic herself and has kids and is married, so her perspective is very authentic. About the divorce rate, also know that asd divorce rates (where a spouse has asd) is also 80 percent regardless of having kids, so just know that's there too. In my marriage my asd spouse's executive dysfunction and alexithymia are huge issues...and I say that as someone with adhd who understands executive dysfunction. I'd really recommend all books by John gottman to you. He explains exactly what's expected in a marital relationship at a level thats helpful for people with alexithymia. My asd husband just didn't understand a lot....and didn't seek out solutions. He just melted down and got defensive, which isn't an appropriate when your partner expresses a need or feeling...so i do feel like untreated asd alone is a huge marital issue. That being said, it's simply a matter of treating your own symptoms well to be successful with both, so with both parenting and marriage it's definitely worthwhile to get a handle on all your symptoms and use all the resources out there to the fullest extent you can (DBT, coaching, aba, apps for executive dysfunction, a planner, a white board etc)., A documentary I just watched with my autistic kid that I'd highly recommend if you want a bit of a look at becoming an autistic parent together with an allistic parent is Expecting Amy. Granted, the autistic parent in this scenario isn't the one pregnant, but it goes pretty in-depth with how this couple deals with a very difficult pregnancy with one of the parents being autistic and getting diagnosed in the middle of the pregnancy as well., Undiagnosed autistic mom of 2 kids (one diagnosed, one not) here. My SO is classically on the spectrum, also undiagnosed. I would say that kids were a net positive for our family, but the first 4 years were bloody HARD and resource expensive. There's some stuff like early intervention that's available free from the state, but kids generally need more than the bare minimum of therapy they offer. Our marriage is solid, but I will say that things could have gone A LOT worse if we still drank like we did before the kids (both SO and I went sober at the first pregnancy.) If you are in a position where your mental and financial health is such that you can swing the care of a baby alone, go for it. When you think about it, it's as basic as survival of the fittest. If you are holding your own in adulthood as an autistic person, chances are, your kid will too. They also have a high chance of being ASD. Which isn't inherently a bad thing. My SO is the most brilliant, hard working and ethical person I know, if our kids turn out anything like him, the world will be a better place for it., I think if you don’t know where the desire to have biological children comes from you should start with those feelings. If you’re on the fence about that you might want to see a therapist and work through what your actual feelings are about having children regardless of whether they are NT or ND., I don’t mean to simplify this too much, but aside from the concern of passing on ASD, which idk has been proven to be genetic, you really need to decide if having a kid is really something you even want. Your post seems to lean towards not, more so than yes. And that’s perfectly okay bc parenthood isn’t for everyone. I have plenty of friends that have chosen to live their lives without being a parent, but if that’s your true desire, you just need to be upfront with your partner. There may be consequences to that decision, but becoming a parent can have consequences that you don’t want either. Parenthood can be great, and it can also be hell. Anyone that tells you it’s all roses isn’t being honest with you or themselves. Parenting is hard with or without a child with ASD. It can be physically and mentally exhausting, and it’s a huge financial burden for those without sufficient medical coverage and finances. I’m not saying this to scare you, simply being realistic. I have three kids and live them all to death. My middle is ASD and was extremely challenging in the early years, but now he’s doing well. My youngest, not ASD, is an absolute handful most days and constantly challenges her mother and I. There aren’t ASD kids and non-ASD kids, they’re all just kids that come with any random assortment of personalities. I truly hope you find the answers you came here looking for and make the best choice for you. Best of luck!, I say this lovingly as a 49 year old mom of 6, with a son with level 3 autism. If having a child like Cash would be your worst nightmare, don't have kids. You have no control over what child you may have and once you have a child you can't "un have" them. So, until you are at peace about fully accepting and embracing whatever kind of child you have, challenges and all, don't have a child. Although Cash is an extreme case and none of us know much about his true history or what is really going on, I have worked with quite a few kiddos who rival Cash's intensity. It is uncommon, but not THAT uncommon. Here is the advice I gave my daughters, who are right around your age: Never have a child because your man wants one. There is a good chance that you will carry the bulk of the mental and physical load with any child you have. Only have a child if you are prepared to do everything for that child. You never know what kind of parent someone will be until they become one. Before you conceive anyone, please sit and think about whether you are ready for the level of selflessness parenting requires and how you will feel if you have to do it yourself. Even if your boyfriend is the most wonderful person in the world right now, that doesn't mean it is going to translate into being willing to share parenting responsibilities in a way that feels equitable to you. It doesn't matter if he loves kids, if kids love him, if he adores baby animals, etc. There is no experience that can adequately prepare you for becoming a parent. It is quite a ride! Believe it or not, I love being a parent. I have been a parent for 30 years. But I can't sit here and not be honest with you. Parenting is the hardest job you will ever do. It is also the best, in my opinion. But hard. I just want to make sure that you make the decision to have children because you truly want to have children and that you go in without expectation. Read these threads and see how many people say things like "this isn't how I imagined my life would be". That is some deep sadness., The fact is we don't know. We know there is a strong genetic component, but there are also tons of cases where its seemingly not genetic. You can get genetic testing, but there are only a handful of identified mutations that have positively been linked. That is your best bet, and yet you are likely to just get a shrug. All four of our children are autistic. We are 99% sure it came from my wife. She herself got diagnosed level 1 ASD last year. With our experience now and all that we've learned we are 99% certain her father is autistic as well. I'm sure undiagnosed cases are rampant in his family. But the genetic testing points to two mutations inherited from her that are "not statistically significant". If we had known all this prior to having children, we really would not know if she would have passed it on. Are either of your parents autistic? Or even suspected? If not, then even if it is genetic it seems not to be dominant and who the heck knows., I was diagnosed with Asperger's as a kid and I was also aggressive and my mom fixed that fast in me at age 16 when she told me I could no longer live at home if I make the whole house unsafe. No more me being aggressive ever. It's a matter of why kids with autism are aggressive and why they do it and if they do that only at home or everywhere. If only at home, let's not make the home safe place for them to be aggressive or they will be sent away or arrested for assault or they lose privileges. I have a son with ASD lv 1 which would have been AS if that were still a diagnoses. He isn't aggressive and would get into trouble if he tried. I never made my home a safe place for him to be aggressive and he knows this. If he got aggressive because he got angry I would tell him it's okay to be upset and angry and he is entitled to his feelings but he has no right to abuse us and the house and the furniture and he will lose his video games if he gets abusive. I tell him he can beat a pillow or a stuffed animal but no throwing. I totally get it, he gets overloaded with negative feelings so he acts out so I did the same too and I just have emotional outbursts than aggression. I had lot of it as a teen so I acted out aggressively and my family wasn't helping. They just basically abandoned me emotionally and made it all be my fault for my feelings and all they did was make my anxiety worse so I had more behavior. But I didn't dare to do it at school and I only had outbursts than aggression. My son has them at school too and has flipped over a table or chair knowing you can't break those and no one is going to get hurt if he turns it over. He just gets sent out to the pod where he can calm down. Just as long as my son has his dad's phone or uses mine, he is okay in public. Same as on long car rides. He also has ADHD. First pregnancy was easy for me and the second one was difficult. He was easy in my pregnancy but I went through 8 hrs of labor and I had an epidural and gave vaginal birth but it took me 45 minutes of pushing for him to come out. Second one, my daughter pushed on my organs and rib cage and labor contractions where sharper and she came so fast, I was not able to have an epidural so I have a natural delivery and pushed her out in like 15 seconds but had 3rd degree tear. I didn't even feel her come out, I only felt intense pressure down there. It took the doctor 20 minutes to stitch me back up down there. I was sore down there after the first delivery but felt nothing down there after the second delivery. My son was very sweet to his sister and liked showing her everything and playing with her and talking to her so he basically did my job for me by giving her attention she needed and he would even tell me when she was awake or stinky and he was finally fully potty trained because he wanted to show her how to go potty. He was never jealous. I also told him he was a good brother. He never showed aggression towards her like he did to his peers at school so he had a aid with him and early intervention. He was placed under developmental delay in preschool and then autism when he started kindergarten but he didn't get medically diagnosed until he was 12. He only had educational autism on his IEP and his school felt he needed a medical diagnoses so they can support him more. &#x200B; My son has been a challenge at times and would do anything to get out of doing stuff he doesn't want to do and during Covid it was very tough. he simply didn't want to do school work at home and would pretend he couldn't use a keyboard and purposely mess up and me and my husband had to be contestant and stick with it and not do the work for him. I would take away electronics for the day and he could only get them back if he did remote learning. My husband had him stand in the corner if he didn't do his school work. I also found out he wanted to be a game designer so I told him only way he can be one when he grew up was if he did his school work so he can go to high school and graduate and then go to college. He also wouldn't learn to read so me and my husband refused to read everything in video games for him and we told him if he knew how to read, he would know what it says and we can't be reading everything to him whenever he plays a video game. He learned to read and he finally started doing school work, we had to find a way to get him motivated. He still refused to learn to tie his shoes but we pick our battles, there are lot of shoes that are laceless so we never bothered. If he sees a reason to learn it, he will. I think with me being ND as well, I never had to take classes or take my son to different doctors to figure out how to parent him like mine did. And times have changed so schools get funding now for each ASD kid so they help them now and it makes it easier on the parents. Might depend on the state as well. Where I live, schools get funding. We didn't have this when I was a kid so it was harder for me and my parents had to advocate for me and fight to get them to follow my IEP and had to get an attorney involved and my psychologist. Schools will do anything to save money if there is no funding., I wasn't accepting of the peers or the psychologist that thought i was autistic until after my son was diagnosed so ymmv. However, being his mom has been a huge lesson in self acceptance for me. It was very rough at first. Especially, getting to the diagnosis and not knowing if he'd be verbal or not. He's only 2 1/2 so there's still plenty of unknowns, but in someways he's much easier then nt kids and in some ways he's a lot harder. I hated pregnancy. Childbirth wasn't horrible (i got an epidural), but after pregnancy your body changes a lot and, in my experience, not in a positive way. My husband and i fight, like most husbands and wives, but nothing more than your typical arguments and our marriage is solid. We also both want more kids. If you have anything i didn't cover or want to ask something else, i'll respond as best i can., If you have an enduring support network that can meet you wherever you are, that’s important. Also financial stability. And your partner needs to be fully on board for being a fully autonomous parent. And your space should be sensory affirming. If you’ve already made steps to make it comfy for you, chances are your kids will be similar. Basically, you need to plan for all the same things you would for an NT child. And good news! If you plan your space for a sensory seeking or avoiding child, chances are an NT child will also thrive there. Autism is a developmental disorder and may appear differently in different people, but I have found that within families, a lot of the same traits tend to be passed on. You need to be super aware of your own triggers and have strategies on how to manage them without taking them out on your child. A lot of these strategies work double duty because you can often teach your children how to do them too. Developmentally, it also means that you tend to mature in different ways at different times. When I was in my 20’s, I felt like a teenager in a lot of ways, a kid in some ways, but an adult in others. It was very confusing at the time. When both my kids were diagnosed with autism, I also did some digging and found out that my parents had gotten me diagnosed when I was very young, but decided I would grow out of it if they were just super harsh on me. Spoiler: I am still autistic. I did have to spend a lot of time with them working on controlling their voice level. Both of them went through a very upsetting period of vocal stimming via screaming. That wasn’t great. But with time, they pretty much grew out of it. Both are very creative and thoughtful. They did need ieps in school to help them with speech and occupational therapy, but my eldest has “graduated” from her iep and is nearly completed with her social skills classes. If all goes well, she graduates in a few months from the program entirely, though I have been assured that she can see a nd-affirming therapist for social emotional wellness as needed. All in all, it wasn’t exactly harder to raise autistic kids. It was just harder in certain ways but easier in others when compared to Nt kids. For example, when they were younger, I could get laundry done more easily because they’d just hang out in one place focused on an activity. But at the park, they would literally just run towards danger without even thinking so I had to stay on my toes. Basically, theres always a chance your child will have special needs, so have a plan and a support group are the most important things., It's hard to say if you'd pass down autism. In my case my grandmother on my mom's side has a sister. My grandma had my mom and my aunt ( full sisters) and they function in society as neurotypical, they have never been diagnosed but they are in their 60s and autism wasn't all that known back then if they were functioning in society, but I can tell you my mom definitely might fit into what you would expect a level 1 would be. My mom then had me and my brother who both function in society as neurotypical. My grandmas sister had a level 3 non verbal boy on the spectrum. And now here I am and I have 4 kids and my 3rd child (but first boy) is non communicative and has very little receptive language. So in some people's mind , my situation would suggest autism could have technically jumped 2 generations -skipping my mom, skipping me, and then right to my boy. Its hard to say. I have 4 kids though and my last one it's too early to tell if he has autism yet. So if he doesn't have autism then I have 1/4 kids with autism. He does than I have 2/4. I know this doesn't really give you an answer, but just a little story to help you in your own research!, Hi! Sooo Autism is definitely genetics and just because no one in your family is diagnosed doesn't mean there aren't any! :-) That being said, I was recently diagnosed at 27, I have 2 kids, both of which have autism and are on various degrees of the spectrum. It's a big change in your life and if you do decide to take this step, please make sure you have all the help in the world you can get! Family, friends, counselors, therapists, anybody who can help and think and make the process easier, do so! But also.. Grow a thick skin? Because becoming a mom means following your own gut and trusting yourself which is something I wasn't good at when I first became a mom. But it grows on you! And now I am a pro! Being pregnant was exciting and scary at the same time. I never felt more in touch with my body as when I was pregnant, but then in the end everything gets uncomfortable and its sensory overload 24/7. Giving birth hurts, but is it worth it in the end? Always know your options and research what YOU feel most comfortable with. Not what your mother, boyfriend or next door neighbor wants for your delivery. Also, it can be very intense. Sensory wise it's hell. Raising autistic kids before I knew they were autistic was a battle and I sadly had my 4 year old end up in a burn out. It wasn't until we got her diagnosis and we got the right help and she is now a loud, happy, bright and colorful 7 year old that shows the world who's the boss! If you know you have autism (I didn't at the time.) You are already a step ahead. As soon as your kid starts showing signs you know it's time to get them seen and guide them as best as you would have wanted to be guided at the time! After we learned about our first child's diagnosis we did everything to understand her, help her regulate and help ourselves to stay regulated. Since then, we seldom have melt downs. When it comes to what level of autism your child is going to have it doesn't really matter. For all you know you end up with a neurotypical child that struggles with things too. You will have to learn to navigate when the time comes. The part about understanding why your boyfriend doesn't want to adopt.. I guess preference? But with that situation too.. An adopted child might have trauma. Trauma can be displayed in many ways and that is then a case you will have to learn to navigate. I see your boyfriend has ADHD and you do too. So you know the baby could end up with ADHD as well. I have both ADHD and autism too and I really wouldn't say one is worse than the other. They have a lot of co-morbidities that could make things "more difficult" and it's not so black and white that neurotypical children or another neurotype is easier to deal with than autism. I would like to end with: having babies isn't a bad thing. Having autistic babies isn't a bad thing. Being an autistic mother isn't a bad thing. BUT, you seem worried, and you seem scared and if you were my daughter telling me what you wrote here, I would tell you: don't do it. Atleast? Not now. And if your boyfriend is very "pushy" about wanting kids some day, then please think long and hard if this is the person you want to stay with. Having kids because someone else wants them is ALWAYS a bad idea. And having kids isn't as easy as summing up neurotypes and figuring out how big the chances are of them getting one or the other. Regardless of neurotype, all kids struggle, all kids have hard parts in growing up and all parents go through that. Only you know yourself best if you could handle all the above. ❤️, Not diagnosed but pretty sure I am autistic. My autistic 4.5 year old definitely causes me to get over stimulated frequently. The constant noise is hard. When they get into a very touchy phase and want to crawl all over me and pet me it makes me feel like I'm gonna explode. I unfortunately do sometimes yell when I am at my limit with noises or touching and have to distance myself. Plus side is I understand a good portion of what they are going through with noise sensitivity, textural issues, anger issues because of over stimulation. The different types of therapy has helped me find my own coping skills., I’m ADHD, but not autistic. My daughter is level 1, diagnosed autistic and likely will catch an adhd diagnosis when she turns 4. If I really thought about it prior- my spouse is likely undiagnosed level 1. Even if he had been diagnosed prior to us deciding to have a child, I still think I would have gone ahead and had a kid with him. Now- this is coming from someone with a child that, by the experts guess, is likely to be low support needs. While parenting an autistic child does come with some challenges, my experience is that there is way more I love and enjoy about my daughter than that I find challenging. She is literally the light of my life. I say this as she eats pasta and smears red sauce all over creation. Pasta for dinner is always an awful mess, but it’s a safe food and I can sneak veggies in with it so it stays in the rotation., I’m AuDHD and I have two asd kids and one possibly NT kid. My son is on waitlist to be assessed for adhd. Obviously I am level one and I think my son is level 2 and my daughter level 1.5. I would never know I had asd until I have kids. That explains why I felt like an alien and couldn’t even fit in at school and I barely have any close friends. Women and girls are not diagnosed in the 90’s to 00’s so I missed the radar., There is no history of Autism in my family, so it's not hereditary in my case. But I was an older mom, with gestational diabeties, and a history of MDD and anxiety, and habe two kids with ASD level 1. I would have a conversation with your boyfriend and a genetics counselor or MD. They will explain to you both in layman's terms the likelihood of having a kid with ASD, and that there is no guarentee of what kind of ASD support level that may be., Ya I didn’t know my “quirks” were autism traits till my son was getting diagnosed. He is just a more extreme version of me…. I’m 40 and basically my mom knew there was something but didn’t know what. They tested me every few years and nothing ever materialized. As an adult a dermatologist said I had OCD, went to a psychiatrist and he confirmed I had that, then as I got older my anxiety was getting worse and I was having panic attacks and my doctor asked if I had been tested for ADHD and I said as a kid and she said things have changed. I have severe ADHD which caused issues for the OCD and anxiety. It’s a wicked little cycle that feeds into each other. Been on max dose ADHD meds which got me off the 3 anxiety meds I was on and then I go on and off meds as needed for the OCD. I have always had hyper mobility, if it can be dislocated I’ve done it. I’m clumsy and have always said I was the queen of minor injuries. I get very focused and obsessive on topics and consume nothing but that and only want to talk about it. Friends are hard to make and keep. I’m an extroverted introvert, it’s hard to get me out but then I’m social when out but I can’t socialize properly. I know this but I can’t do it right, it sucks. When my son was getting tested and I was reading up on things A lot was me and he still is just a more extreme version of me. I find it helps me parent him. I don’t get overwhelmed like everyone else when they watch him. It’s like I’m in his head so I know what is going to bother him or what he’s thinking of doing before he does it. I can warn him if I know a sound bothers me and he covers his ears because I know it will bother him. I can see things in a store that I know he will be drawn to and can navigate it. I know what clothing he will or won’t like. I know which blankets he prefers. The only thing he doesn’t trust me fully on yet is foods. I know what he will and won’t like. But he don’t try a lot of things because he is so visual. But he’s learning to trust me, he closes his eyes and takes a nibble but it’s slow going. So for me yes my kid is level 2 non verbal autistic (he turned 4 in December) but being his mom is very easy. Dealing with all his “things” doesn’t affect me the same as others. During his assessments they are always asking how we are doing and how our son is very active and a hand full and it’s fine. He is me and I can handle me. I don’t know how else to explain it., Looks like there's a flood of us who didn't recognize autism in themselves until their kid(s) were diagnosed, I'm in that boat as well. But my kid is friggin awesome. Legitimately the coolest little human I've ever met, all the stuff I got chastised for are the things I love best about her. I love that I can understand her on a level that my parents didn't understand me, and I love giving her the childhood I didn't get. I'm sure I'll make mistakes, I'm sure it will be hard (really fckin hard) at times, but I have zero regrets., All I'm gonna say is that my husband and I are the same kind of Autistic. Our son, isn't. A lot of his stims are our triggers, and it can be very difficult to keep calm., My husband is likely autistic. We are both ADHD. Both of our kids have ADHD and one is autistic. The ADHD is the more brutal one at this point but that’s because our autistic one is still so young and level 1., I don’t think the 80% divorce rate is true, I am not able to find a legit source for that, I don't think being autistic is a bad thing. Autistic people do awesome stuff in life. My kiddos are autistic and they are the best., If you can adopt, that is one other option., Pardon my ignorance but why do we think that autism is genetic or otherwise heritable?, That feeling of never fitting in. Never being understood. Being an outsider. Feeling out of step with everyone. It all makes so much more sense now., Same! So many of my mental health issues are explained by autism., Same. This is why I don’t recommend having kids, really to anyone., Same!, I suppose that makes a lot of sense I’ve definitely spent years talking about this in therapy. I replied to my comment kind of about my childhood but yeah id say some of the things that i was put through definitely still affect me today even though im in a really great place. You seem like an amazing mom your daughter is really lucky to have you, Same! I didn't know I was autistic or get diagnosed until after my son was diagnosed and I noticed a ton of similarities between him and I. He is level 3. But my younger daughter has shown no signs of autism. I think it's just a gamble. But if I had to do it again, I would. My son is absolutely wonderful and I'm not sad about him having autism. Like you said, it's not a deadly disease., I was put in a lot of therapies and medications against my will since as young as 5 years old. Id be seeing specialist after specialist week after week just to try to get me “fixed” where i genuinely hated my mother for the majority of my life and I’ve always resented my family because my siblings are two like golden children and i was used as an “example” a lot. I hated being autistic and hated myself most of my life. My relationship with my mom improved once i started to actively try to heal my trauma and move on from my past and once i was less angry i was kinder to my family and i was lucky enough to have them be receptive to that. Over the past year for the first time in my life i feel like im actually a part of the family. I cant remember the last time there was any kind of conflict or when anyone yelled. But a big part of that was because of my boyfriend. He loves me so much for who i am and has made me see myself in such a positive light and he makes me want to be a better person. We’re moving out together soon too :) sorry for the tangent, I want to, but my boyfriend wants his genes passed down., Autism frequently runs in families and in identical twins I believe autism occurs close to 90% for the other twin if one twin has it. Autism isn't just one thing caused by one gene though so the genetics are complicated. Most studies I have seen put autism at 80% genetics and 20% environmental influences. Also, in some cases ASD can be caused by a de novo mutation not passed down by either parent, but a new mutation in the individuals genes. Many families who have genetic testing done come up with nothing not because they don't have a gene implicated in autism but rather the gene has not been identified yet. All this to say the genetics of autism are very complicated but most research agrees it is strongly genetic. Anecdotally, I realized after my son was diagnosed that I am probably on the spectrum with lower support needs, as are a few other people in my family. From what I read on here this seems pretty common., It’s like you’re reading my mind, I'm a big proponent of processing childhood trauma and making sure you have really strong emotional regulation/ coping skills before having kids. Otherwise, it's very hard not to either perpetuate the same kind of dysfunction or to overcompensate too much in the opposite direction and perpetuate a different kind of dysfunction. It is possible to do things differently and create a healthy family dynamic, but being a cycle breaker is SO HARD, especially if you don't have a supportive family behind you. You don't have to be perfectly regulated at all times, but if you're already struggling with regulation, having kids will make it much, much worse. Speaking from experience here... don't be like me and ignore the trauma and then have a mental breakdown and spend years dissociated and barely making it through the day (covid isolation and being in a dysfunctional relationship also played a part here). I started trauma therapy a year ago, and things are much better now. I'm also getting divorced (hooray!), [deleted], There is a strong genetic component to autism, so there would be an increased likelihood that your children would be autistic. There are also many stories of "lower support needs" parents having "high support needs" children, so that is something you would need to decide if you would be mentally and financially able to deal with. It is far, far from a certainty, but something you need to weigh out. What would happen if you ended up with a child who could never live independently. Is that a deal breaker for you? Is it a deal breaker for your SO? As I said, that is far from a certainty. It's just an increased risk out there. Especially if both you and your partner are ND. My daughter is level 1 and the more we learn about her, the more we grow to believe my husband is undiagnosed level 1 himself (he was diagnosed with a number of learning disabilities in the 90s, but under the modern criteria, we are pretty darn sure he would have been labeled autistic if being evaluated now). His mother is also pretty certain now that her father was looking back on it. Since one of my daughter's cousins on that side is also recently diagnosed, we're pretty darn sure where that came down genetically. That cousin's sister is also diagnosed ADHD, so of all the cousins on that side, we're 3 for 3 being ND. My husband and I personally have decided to be one and done because we don't feel we have the mental capacity to give another child the life they deserve, and we are able to pay for all the different therapies my daughter needs (money would be hella tight if we ended up with two kids needing therapies--especially since there's no guarantee a second wouldn't potentially have more issues. They could be NT of course, but we want to be able to provide the best we can for our daughter and don't want to gamble on that). When it comes to parenting, you can never know what you're going to come up against. My friends just lost their daughter to a heart defect that was just a fluke of nature. It happens. But you need to weigh your own personal abilities against the different likelihoods., >I remember not even just as a kid but well into my teen years i was so abusive to my mom. Id scream id yell at her saying i hate her. My siblings resented me for most of their lives because i could never handle being out for long and wed have to leave things early and I was always having loud sometimes violent meltdowns. I was constantly having problems with the school and peers and behavioral issues both at school and home. Id lash out all of the time and I was honestly miserable myself. I pretty much sucked the life out of my family and sometimes i think about how easier their lives wouldve been if it were just them and my neurotypical siblings. I really do not want to be in the position my mom was in. I have a great relationship with my family now and I don’t blame them cause everyone has their limits. I can't tell you whether or not you should have kids, but it really sounds like you would benefit a lot from trauma therapy. Your "constant behavioural problems" are what happens when a person has a chronically dysregulated nervous system. Years of chronic dysregulation causes trauma, even when nothing obviously "Traumatic" happened during that time. Being in a chronic state of fight or flight, not having the skills or resources to get out of it (because you were a child) and feeling like an outsider in your own family is real trauma. My older kid reminds me a lot of my older brother who sounds similar to you as a child, but possibly more violent and abusive towards his siblings. Once I realized she was autistic (at 2.5), I was absolutely terrified of every horrible thing that happened in my childhood repeating itself. She's only 5.5 now and she's the sweetest kid! She has a ton of anxiety and sometimes has bad meltdowns, but life is so much better and easier than I thought it would be, considering how bad my childhood was. I parent very differently than my parents and I focus on connection and regulation. My kids are thriving., Generally speaking, anything goes when you decide to have kids. Your child might not have autism but could still be neurodivergent with its own set of challenges. Or they could have medical issues that are hard. Or they could be “perfect” and get into an accident later on in life and you have to take care of them long term. Nobody knows unfortunately. Having a kid is stressful. Having a child with additional needs is usually more stressful. You definitely need to be 100% onboard with it., I think a geneticist can help determine your risk factor. Pregnancy and childbirth is doable. The parts you can control and help are to take good care of your health and find good medical care. (US). If there’s a good chance of having a child with ADHD or Autism, absolutely pay attention to the school system where you plan to live after your child is 3yrs. Prior to age 3yr it’s early intervention for any help which usually is county determined. Every child and every parent is different, I don’t think anyone can really prepare you. One thing that does help with parenting are things like babysitting or learning about child development., My dad was autistic. He was never diagnosed, as no one knew what autism even was back then, but when my daughter was diagnosed in the 90s (and diagnosing was still pretty new then, especially for girls), it all became clear to me. My youngest brother is likely autistic too. Maybe my oldest. I wonder if knowing when I was younger would have helped. Dad was a great guy, big heart, giving, but had some really difficult unusual behaviors that were way, way different from other dads, for sure. He sometimes drove others crazy and had pretty much no friends, but I don't think many people actively disliked him, because he was such a good guy. And he was smart. He could fix anything, and kids would bring him their bikes, toys, lawnmowers, even cars, and he'd just do it. Gratefully. Happy to help! I remember a friend parked her car in our drive once when she visited me, and when she came out my dad tells her, "I saw you needed your oil changed. I took care of it for you." Every Halloween he'd make batches of his famous fudge and everyone knew to come to his house to get it (50 years later I'd have people mention that to me). He was a good dad. I have 4 siblings. All 5 of us have an autistic child. So yeah, it's hereditary. They're all high functioning. Just like anyone thinking of having kids, consider yourself, your partner, and your resources, and that's what you use to make the decision. Can you care for a child? Do you want to? It's a forever job. Will you love them? Can you reasonably afford them? Good luck., Chances are you are not the only autistic person in your family even though some may be undiagnosed. No one, not even a geneticist can predict the chance of you having an autistic child because autism is very heterogenous. I think you should have a child if you want to have a child. Are you planning to marry/have children with your boyfriend in the very near future? Your boyfriend may want to volunteer with autistic children to get an idea of the different ways autism can look. I always tell my friends that don’t have children to open their mind because you don’t know what kind of child you will have. A diagnosed autistic person should procreate with the mindset, “I’d be okay if my child had autism” because there’s a very real chance it could occur., I’m autistic and have two children. One is autistic, one is not. If you want to have children then have them. Autism is not a deadly disease. Everything is genetic, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, heart disease, breast cancer. But we do not stop or dissuade women with a familial history of breast cancer or heart disease from having kids. Best of luck to you., You're not an ass for asking! If I had known I was likely ASD I would have been asking the same questions. My son is 3 and level 3 and non verbal but he is making progress so I don't think he will stay that way. It's emotionally really hard because I feel like I passed my autism on and it effects my son more significantly. With that said my son is a delightful boy with minimal behaviors who I love very much. For me, it's not his ASD day to day that makes things hard but it is the worry about his future, services, schools etc. I struggle significantly with anxiety. I think you have to make the decision that feels right for you ultimately but I think it's very responsible to ask these questions. I wish I had been able to do the same. I also would have felt better if I knew it was a possibility opposed to it being a complete shock., My son (ASD lvl 1) is the only one on either side of our families that is diagnosed. There might be undiagnosed ADHD but no one with autism. I have another NT toddler and am pregnant with number 3. I can only comment on how it impacts a marriage, for us it’s brought us closer, we are a team and we will do anything for our little guy. If he was high needs I’m sure that would put additional strain on a relationship. I would speak to your bf and ensure you are on the same page on how you would parent and support a child with ASD, there is no telling what level of support they may require etc. As parents we just don’t want our children’s lives to be harder than necessary, we just want them to be happy. That being said many NT people can still struggle with mental health or addiction, there is no guarantee our children will not face certain hardships. So in my eyes, yes the challenges of our NT and ASD children will be different, it doesn’t change the fact we will support them both in the best ways we can., Counter question, you say you were always lashing out and abusive to your mom. When and why did it stop?, There are no studies. That being said, my husband sees a therapist through "my autistic therpist" and she runs a coaching support group for autistic parents (as in you have ASD and you have kids). The fee is pretty nominal and might help with some of your fears. The coaching is available worldwide. My husband's therapist is autistic herself and has kids and is married, so her perspective is very authentic. About the divorce rate, also know that asd divorce rates (where a spouse has asd) is also 80 percent regardless of having kids, so just know that's there too. In my marriage my asd spouse's executive dysfunction and alexithymia are huge issues...and I say that as someone with adhd who understands executive dysfunction. I'd really recommend all books by John gottman to you. He explains exactly what's expected in a marital relationship at a level thats helpful for people with alexithymia. My asd husband just didn't understand a lot....and didn't seek out solutions. He just melted down and got defensive, which isn't an appropriate when your partner expresses a need or feeling...so i do feel like untreated asd alone is a huge marital issue. That being said, it's simply a matter of treating your own symptoms well to be successful with both, so with both parenting and marriage it's definitely worthwhile to get a handle on all your symptoms and use all the resources out there to the fullest extent you can (DBT, coaching, aba, apps for executive dysfunction, a planner, a white board etc)., A documentary I just watched with my autistic kid that I'd highly recommend if you want a bit of a look at becoming an autistic parent together with an allistic parent is Expecting Amy. Granted, the autistic parent in this scenario isn't the one pregnant, but it goes pretty in-depth with how this couple deals with a very difficult pregnancy with one of the parents being autistic and getting diagnosed in the middle of the pregnancy as well., Undiagnosed autistic mom of 2 kids (one diagnosed, one not) here. My SO is classically on the spectrum, also undiagnosed. I would say that kids were a net positive for our family, but the first 4 years were bloody HARD and resource expensive. There's some stuff like early intervention that's available free from the state, but kids generally need more than the bare minimum of therapy they offer. Our marriage is solid, but I will say that things could have gone A LOT worse if we still drank like we did before the kids (both SO and I went sober at the first pregnancy.) If you are in a position where your mental and financial health is such that you can swing the care of a baby alone, go for it. When you think about it, it's as basic as survival of the fittest. If you are holding your own in adulthood as an autistic person, chances are, your kid will too. They also have a high chance of being ASD. Which isn't inherently a bad thing. My SO is the most brilliant, hard working and ethical person I know, if our kids turn out anything like him, the world will be a better place for it., I think if you don’t know where the desire to have biological children comes from you should start with those feelings. If you’re on the fence about that you might want to see a therapist and work through what your actual feelings are about having children regardless of whether they are NT or ND., I don’t mean to simplify this too much, but aside from the concern of passing on ASD, which idk has been proven to be genetic, you really need to decide if having a kid is really something you even want. Your post seems to lean towards not, more so than yes. And that’s perfectly okay bc parenthood isn’t for everyone. I have plenty of friends that have chosen to live their lives without being a parent, but if that’s your true desire, you just need to be upfront with your partner. There may be consequences to that decision, but becoming a parent can have consequences that you don’t want either. Parenthood can be great, and it can also be hell. Anyone that tells you it’s all roses isn’t being honest with you or themselves. Parenting is hard with or without a child with ASD. It can be physically and mentally exhausting, and it’s a huge financial burden for those without sufficient medical coverage and finances. I’m not saying this to scare you, simply being realistic. I have three kids and live them all to death. My middle is ASD and was extremely challenging in the early years, but now he’s doing well. My youngest, not ASD, is an absolute handful most days and constantly challenges her mother and I. There aren’t ASD kids and non-ASD kids, they’re all just kids that come with any random assortment of personalities. I truly hope you find the answers you came here looking for and make the best choice for you. Best of luck!, I say this lovingly as a 49 year old mom of 6, with a son with level 3 autism. If having a child like Cash would be your worst nightmare, don't have kids. You have no control over what child you may have and once you have a child you can't "un have" them. So, until you are at peace about fully accepting and embracing whatever kind of child you have, challenges and all, don't have a child. Although Cash is an extreme case and none of us know much about his true history or what is really going on, I have worked with quite a few kiddos who rival Cash's intensity. It is uncommon, but not THAT uncommon. Here is the advice I gave my daughters, who are right around your age: Never have a child because your man wants one. There is a good chance that you will carry the bulk of the mental and physical load with any child you have. Only have a child if you are prepared to do everything for that child. You never know what kind of parent someone will be until they become one. Before you conceive anyone, please sit and think about whether you are ready for the level of selflessness parenting requires and how you will feel if you have to do it yourself. Even if your boyfriend is the most wonderful person in the world right now, that doesn't mean it is going to translate into being willing to share parenting responsibilities in a way that feels equitable to you. It doesn't matter if he loves kids, if kids love him, if he adores baby animals, etc. There is no experience that can adequately prepare you for becoming a parent. It is quite a ride! Believe it or not, I love being a parent. I have been a parent for 30 years. But I can't sit here and not be honest with you. Parenting is the hardest job you will ever do. It is also the best, in my opinion. But hard. I just want to make sure that you make the decision to have children because you truly want to have children and that you go in without expectation. Read these threads and see how many people say things like "this isn't how I imagined my life would be". That is some deep sadness., The fact is we don't know. We know there is a strong genetic component, but there are also tons of cases where its seemingly not genetic. You can get genetic testing, but there are only a handful of identified mutations that have positively been linked. That is your best bet, and yet you are likely to just get a shrug. All four of our children are autistic. We are 99% sure it came from my wife. She herself got diagnosed level 1 ASD last year. With our experience now and all that we've learned we are 99% certain her father is autistic as well. I'm sure undiagnosed cases are rampant in his family. But the genetic testing points to two mutations inherited from her that are "not statistically significant". If we had known all this prior to having children, we really would not know if she would have passed it on. Are either of your parents autistic? Or even suspected? If not, then even if it is genetic it seems not to be dominant and who the heck knows., I was diagnosed with Asperger's as a kid and I was also aggressive and my mom fixed that fast in me at age 16 when she told me I could no longer live at home if I make the whole house unsafe. No more me being aggressive ever. It's a matter of why kids with autism are aggressive and why they do it and if they do that only at home or everywhere. If only at home, let's not make the home safe place for them to be aggressive or they will be sent away or arrested for assault or they lose privileges. I have a son with ASD lv 1 which would have been AS if that were still a diagnoses. He isn't aggressive and would get into trouble if he tried. I never made my home a safe place for him to be aggressive and he knows this. If he got aggressive because he got angry I would tell him it's okay to be upset and angry and he is entitled to his feelings but he has no right to abuse us and the house and the furniture and he will lose his video games if he gets abusive. I tell him he can beat a pillow or a stuffed animal but no throwing. I totally get it, he gets overloaded with negative feelings so he acts out so I did the same too and I just have emotional outbursts than aggression. I had lot of it as a teen so I acted out aggressively and my family wasn't helping. They just basically abandoned me emotionally and made it all be my fault for my feelings and all they did was make my anxiety worse so I had more behavior. But I didn't dare to do it at school and I only had outbursts than aggression. My son has them at school too and has flipped over a table or chair knowing you can't break those and no one is going to get hurt if he turns it over. He just gets sent out to the pod where he can calm down. Just as long as my son has his dad's phone or uses mine, he is okay in public. Same as on long car rides. He also has ADHD. First pregnancy was easy for me and the second one was difficult. He was easy in my pregnancy but I went through 8 hrs of labor and I had an epidural and gave vaginal birth but it took me 45 minutes of pushing for him to come out. Second one, my daughter pushed on my organs and rib cage and labor contractions where sharper and she came so fast, I was not able to have an epidural so I have a natural delivery and pushed her out in like 15 seconds but had 3rd degree tear. I didn't even feel her come out, I only felt intense pressure down there. It took the doctor 20 minutes to stitch me back up down there. I was sore down there after the first delivery but felt nothing down there after the second delivery. My son was very sweet to his sister and liked showing her everything and playing with her and talking to her so he basically did my job for me by giving her attention she needed and he would even tell me when she was awake or stinky and he was finally fully potty trained because he wanted to show her how to go potty. He was never jealous. I also told him he was a good brother. He never showed aggression towards her like he did to his peers at school so he had a aid with him and early intervention. He was placed under developmental delay in preschool and then autism when he started kindergarten but he didn't get medically diagnosed until he was 12. He only had educational autism on his IEP and his school felt he needed a medical diagnoses so they can support him more. &#x200B; My son has been a challenge at times and would do anything to get out of doing stuff he doesn't want to do and during Covid it was very tough. he simply didn't want to do school work at home and would pretend he couldn't use a keyboard and purposely mess up and me and my husband had to be contestant and stick with it and not do the work for him. I would take away electronics for the day and he could only get them back if he did remote learning. My husband had him stand in the corner if he didn't do his school work. I also found out he wanted to be a game designer so I told him only way he can be one when he grew up was if he did his school work so he can go to high school and graduate and then go to college. He also wouldn't learn to read so me and my husband refused to read everything in video games for him and we told him if he knew how to read, he would know what it says and we can't be reading everything to him whenever he plays a video game. He learned to read and he finally started doing school work, we had to find a way to get him motivated. He still refused to learn to tie his shoes but we pick our battles, there are lot of shoes that are laceless so we never bothered. If he sees a reason to learn it, he will. I think with me being ND as well, I never had to take classes or take my son to different doctors to figure out how to parent him like mine did. And times have changed so schools get funding now for each ASD kid so they help them now and it makes it easier on the parents. Might depend on the state as well. Where I live, schools get funding. We didn't have this when I was a kid so it was harder for me and my parents had to advocate for me and fight to get them to follow my IEP and had to get an attorney involved and my psychologist. Schools will do anything to save money if there is no funding., I wasn't accepting of the peers or the psychologist that thought i was autistic until after my son was diagnosed so ymmv. However, being his mom has been a huge lesson in self acceptance for me. It was very rough at first. Especially, getting to the diagnosis and not knowing if he'd be verbal or not. He's only 2 1/2 so there's still plenty of unknowns, but in someways he's much easier then nt kids and in some ways he's a lot harder. I hated pregnancy. Childbirth wasn't horrible (i got an epidural), but after pregnancy your body changes a lot and, in my experience, not in a positive way. My husband and i fight, like most husbands and wives, but nothing more than your typical arguments and our marriage is solid. We also both want more kids. If you have anything i didn't cover or want to ask something else, i'll respond as best i can., If you have an enduring support network that can meet you wherever you are, that’s important. Also financial stability. And your partner needs to be fully on board for being a fully autonomous parent. And your space should be sensory affirming. If you’ve already made steps to make it comfy for you, chances are your kids will be similar. Basically, you need to plan for all the same things you would for an NT child. And good news! If you plan your space for a sensory seeking or avoiding child, chances are an NT child will also thrive there. Autism is a developmental disorder and may appear differently in different people, but I have found that within families, a lot of the same traits tend to be passed on. You need to be super aware of your own triggers and have strategies on how to manage them without taking them out on your child. A lot of these strategies work double duty because you can often teach your children how to do them too. Developmentally, it also means that you tend to mature in different ways at different times. When I was in my 20’s, I felt like a teenager in a lot of ways, a kid in some ways, but an adult in others. It was very confusing at the time. When both my kids were diagnosed with autism, I also did some digging and found out that my parents had gotten me diagnosed when I was very young, but decided I would grow out of it if they were just super harsh on me. Spoiler: I am still autistic. I did have to spend a lot of time with them working on controlling their voice level. Both of them went through a very upsetting period of vocal stimming via screaming. That wasn’t great. But with time, they pretty much grew out of it. Both are very creative and thoughtful. They did need ieps in school to help them with speech and occupational therapy, but my eldest has “graduated” from her iep and is nearly completed with her social skills classes. If all goes well, she graduates in a few months from the program entirely, though I have been assured that she can see a nd-affirming therapist for social emotional wellness as needed. All in all, it wasn’t exactly harder to raise autistic kids. It was just harder in certain ways but easier in others when compared to Nt kids. For example, when they were younger, I could get laundry done more easily because they’d just hang out in one place focused on an activity. But at the park, they would literally just run towards danger without even thinking so I had to stay on my toes. Basically, theres always a chance your child will have special needs, so have a plan and a support group are the most important things., It's hard to say if you'd pass down autism. In my case my grandmother on my mom's side has a sister. My grandma had my mom and my aunt ( full sisters) and they function in society as neurotypical, they have never been diagnosed but they are in their 60s and autism wasn't all that known back then if they were functioning in society, but I can tell you my mom definitely might fit into what you would expect a level 1 would be. My mom then had me and my brother who both function in society as neurotypical. My grandmas sister had a level 3 non verbal boy on the spectrum. And now here I am and I have 4 kids and my 3rd child (but first boy) is non communicative and has very little receptive language. So in some people's mind , my situation would suggest autism could have technically jumped 2 generations -skipping my mom, skipping me, and then right to my boy. Its hard to say. I have 4 kids though and my last one it's too early to tell if he has autism yet. So if he doesn't have autism then I have 1/4 kids with autism. He does than I have 2/4. I know this doesn't really give you an answer, but just a little story to help you in your own research!, Hi! Sooo Autism is definitely genetics and just because no one in your family is diagnosed doesn't mean there aren't any! :-) That being said, I was recently diagnosed at 27, I have 2 kids, both of which have autism and are on various degrees of the spectrum. It's a big change in your life and if you do decide to take this step, please make sure you have all the help in the world you can get! Family, friends, counselors, therapists, anybody who can help and think and make the process easier, do so! But also.. Grow a thick skin? Because becoming a mom means following your own gut and trusting yourself which is something I wasn't good at when I first became a mom. But it grows on you! And now I am a pro! Being pregnant was exciting and scary at the same time. I never felt more in touch with my body as when I was pregnant, but then in the end everything gets uncomfortable and its sensory overload 24/7. Giving birth hurts, but is it worth it in the end? Always know your options and research what YOU feel most comfortable with. Not what your mother, boyfriend or next door neighbor wants for your delivery. Also, it can be very intense. Sensory wise it's hell. Raising autistic kids before I knew they were autistic was a battle and I sadly had my 4 year old end up in a burn out. It wasn't until we got her diagnosis and we got the right help and she is now a loud, happy, bright and colorful 7 year old that shows the world who's the boss! If you know you have autism (I didn't at the time.) You are already a step ahead. As soon as your kid starts showing signs you know it's time to get them seen and guide them as best as you would have wanted to be guided at the time! After we learned about our first child's diagnosis we did everything to understand her, help her regulate and help ourselves to stay regulated. Since then, we seldom have melt downs. When it comes to what level of autism your child is going to have it doesn't really matter. For all you know you end up with a neurotypical child that struggles with things too. You will have to learn to navigate when the time comes. The part about understanding why your boyfriend doesn't want to adopt.. I guess preference? But with that situation too.. An adopted child might have trauma. Trauma can be displayed in many ways and that is then a case you will have to learn to navigate. I see your boyfriend has ADHD and you do too. So you know the baby could end up with ADHD as well. I have both ADHD and autism too and I really wouldn't say one is worse than the other. They have a lot of co-morbidities that could make things "more difficult" and it's not so black and white that neurotypical children or another neurotype is easier to deal with than autism. I would like to end with: having babies isn't a bad thing. Having autistic babies isn't a bad thing. Being an autistic mother isn't a bad thing. BUT, you seem worried, and you seem scared and if you were my daughter telling me what you wrote here, I would tell you: don't do it. Atleast? Not now. And if your boyfriend is very "pushy" about wanting kids some day, then please think long and hard if this is the person you want to stay with. Having kids because someone else wants them is ALWAYS a bad idea. And having kids isn't as easy as summing up neurotypes and figuring out how big the chances are of them getting one or the other. Regardless of neurotype, all kids struggle, all kids have hard parts in growing up and all parents go through that. Only you know yourself best if you could handle all the above. ❤️, Not diagnosed but pretty sure I am autistic. My autistic 4.5 year old definitely causes me to get over stimulated frequently. The constant noise is hard. When they get into a very touchy phase and want to crawl all over me and pet me it makes me feel like I'm gonna explode. I unfortunately do sometimes yell when I am at my limit with noises or touching and have to distance myself. Plus side is I understand a good portion of what they are going through with noise sensitivity, textural issues, anger issues because of over stimulation. The different types of therapy has helped me find my own coping skills., I’m ADHD, but not autistic. My daughter is level 1, diagnosed autistic and likely will catch an adhd diagnosis when she turns 4. If I really thought about it prior- my spouse is likely undiagnosed level 1. Even if he had been diagnosed prior to us deciding to have a child, I still think I would have gone ahead and had a kid with him. Now- this is coming from someone with a child that, by the experts guess, is likely to be low support needs. While parenting an autistic child does come with some challenges, my experience is that there is way more I love and enjoy about my daughter than that I find challenging. She is literally the light of my life. I say this as she eats pasta and smears red sauce all over creation. Pasta for dinner is always an awful mess, but it’s a safe food and I can sneak veggies in with it so it stays in the rotation., I’m AuDHD and I have two asd kids and one possibly NT kid. My son is on waitlist to be assessed for adhd. Obviously I am level one and I think my son is level 2 and my daughter level 1.5. I would never know I had asd until I have kids. That explains why I felt like an alien and couldn’t even fit in at school and I barely have any close friends. Women and girls are not diagnosed in the 90’s to 00’s so I missed the radar., There is no history of Autism in my family, so it's not hereditary in my case. But I was an older mom, with gestational diabeties, and a history of MDD and anxiety, and habe two kids with ASD level 1. I would have a conversation with your boyfriend and a genetics counselor or MD. They will explain to you both in layman's terms the likelihood of having a kid with ASD, and that there is no guarentee of what kind of ASD support level that may be., Ya I didn’t know my “quirks” were autism traits till my son was getting diagnosed. He is just a more extreme version of me…. I’m 40 and basically my mom knew there was something but didn’t know what. They tested me every few years and nothing ever materialized. As an adult a dermatologist said I had OCD, went to a psychiatrist and he confirmed I had that, then as I got older my anxiety was getting worse and I was having panic attacks and my doctor asked if I had been tested for ADHD and I said as a kid and she said things have changed. I have severe ADHD which caused issues for the OCD and anxiety. It’s a wicked little cycle that feeds into each other. Been on max dose ADHD meds which got me off the 3 anxiety meds I was on and then I go on and off meds as needed for the OCD. I have always had hyper mobility, if it can be dislocated I’ve done it. I’m clumsy and have always said I was the queen of minor injuries. I get very focused and obsessive on topics and consume nothing but that and only want to talk about it. Friends are hard to make and keep. I’m an extroverted introvert, it’s hard to get me out but then I’m social when out but I can’t socialize properly. I know this but I can’t do it right, it sucks. When my son was getting tested and I was reading up on things A lot was me and he still is just a more extreme version of me. I find it helps me parent him. I don’t get overwhelmed like everyone else when they watch him. It’s like I’m in his head so I know what is going to bother him or what he’s thinking of doing before he does it. I can warn him if I know a sound bothers me and he covers his ears because I know it will bother him. I can see things in a store that I know he will be drawn to and can navigate it. I know what clothing he will or won’t like. I know which blankets he prefers. The only thing he doesn’t trust me fully on yet is foods. I know what he will and won’t like. But he don’t try a lot of things because he is so visual. But he’s learning to trust me, he closes his eyes and takes a nibble but it’s slow going. So for me yes my kid is level 2 non verbal autistic (he turned 4 in December) but being his mom is very easy. Dealing with all his “things” doesn’t affect me the same as others. During his assessments they are always asking how we are doing and how our son is very active and a hand full and it’s fine. He is me and I can handle me. I don’t know how else to explain it., Looks like there's a flood of us who didn't recognize autism in themselves until their kid(s) were diagnosed, I'm in that boat as well. But my kid is friggin awesome. Legitimately the coolest little human I've ever met, all the stuff I got chastised for are the things I love best about her. I love that I can understand her on a level that my parents didn't understand me, and I love giving her the childhood I didn't get. I'm sure I'll make mistakes, I'm sure it will be hard (really fckin hard) at times, but I have zero regrets., All I'm gonna say is that my husband and I are the same kind of Autistic. Our son, isn't. A lot of his stims are our triggers, and it can be very difficult to keep calm., My husband is likely autistic. We are both ADHD. Both of our kids have ADHD and one is autistic. The ADHD is the more brutal one at this point but that’s because our autistic one is still so young and level 1., I don’t think the 80% divorce rate is true, I am not able to find a legit source for that, I don't think being autistic is a bad thing. Autistic people do awesome stuff in life. My kiddos are autistic and they are the best., If you can adopt, that is one other option., Pardon my ignorance but why do we think that autism is genetic or otherwise heritable?, That feeling of never fitting in. Never being understood. Being an outsider. Feeling out of step with everyone. It all makes so much more sense now., Same! So many of my mental health issues are explained by autism., Same. This is why I don’t recommend having kids, really to anyone., Same!, I suppose that makes a lot of sense I’ve definitely spent years talking about this in therapy. I replied to my comment kind of about my childhood but yeah id say some of the things that i was put through definitely still affect me today even though im in a really great place. You seem like an amazing mom your daughter is really lucky to have you, Same! I didn't know I was autistic or get diagnosed until after my son was diagnosed and I noticed a ton of similarities between him and I. He is level 3. But my younger daughter has shown no signs of autism. I think it's just a gamble. But if I had to do it again, I would. My son is absolutely wonderful and I'm not sad about him having autism. Like you said, it's not a deadly disease., I was put in a lot of therapies and medications against my will since as young as 5 years old. Id be seeing specialist after specialist week after week just to try to get me “fixed” where i genuinely hated my mother for the majority of my life and I’ve always resented my family because my siblings are two like golden children and i was used as an “example” a lot. I hated being autistic and hated myself most of my life. My relationship with my mom improved once i started to actively try to heal my trauma and move on from my past and once i was less angry i was kinder to my family and i was lucky enough to have them be receptive to that. Over the past year for the first time in my life i feel like im actually a part of the family. I cant remember the last time there was any kind of conflict or when anyone yelled. But a big part of that was because of my boyfriend. He loves me so much for who i am and has made me see myself in such a positive light and he makes me want to be a better person. We’re moving out together soon too :) sorry for the tangent, I want to, but my boyfriend wants his genes passed down., Autism frequently runs in families and in identical twins I believe autism occurs close to 90% for the other twin if one twin has it. Autism isn't just one thing caused by one gene though so the genetics are complicated. Most studies I have seen put autism at 80% genetics and 20% environmental influences. Also, in some cases ASD can be caused by a de novo mutation not passed down by either parent, but a new mutation in the individuals genes. Many families who have genetic testing done come up with nothing not because they don't have a gene implicated in autism but rather the gene has not been identified yet. All this to say the genetics of autism are very complicated but most research agrees it is strongly genetic. Anecdotally, I realized after my son was diagnosed that I am probably on the spectrum with lower support needs, as are a few other people in my family. From what I read on here this seems pretty common., It’s like you’re reading my mind, I'm a big proponent of processing childhood trauma and making sure you have really strong emotional regulation/ coping skills before having kids. Otherwise, it's very hard not to either perpetuate the same kind of dysfunction or to overcompensate too much in the opposite direction and perpetuate a different kind of dysfunction. It is possible to do things differently and create a healthy family dynamic, but being a cycle breaker is SO HARD, especially if you don't have a supportive family behind you. You don't have to be perfectly regulated at all times, but if you're already struggling with regulation, having kids will make it much, much worse. Speaking from experience here... don't be like me and ignore the trauma and then have a mental breakdown and spend years dissociated and barely making it through the day (covid isolation and being in a dysfunctional relationship also played a part here). I started trauma therapy a year ago, and things are much better now. I'm also getting divorced (hooray!), [deleted], There is a strong genetic component to autism, so there would be an increased likelihood that your children would be autistic. There are also many stories of "lower support needs" parents having "high support needs" children, so that is something you would need to decide if you would be mentally and financially able to deal with. It is far, far from a certainty, but something you need to weigh out. What would happen if you ended up with a child who could never live independently. Is that a deal breaker for you? Is it a deal breaker for your SO? As I said, that is far from a certainty. It's just an increased risk out there. Especially if both you and your partner are ND. My daughter is level 1 and the more we learn about her, the more we grow to believe my husband is undiagnosed level 1 himself (he was diagnosed with a number of learning disabilities in the 90s, but under the modern criteria, we are pretty darn sure he would have been labeled autistic if being evaluated now). His mother is also pretty certain now that her father was looking back on it. Since one of my daughter's cousins on that side is also recently diagnosed, we're pretty darn sure where that came down genetically. That cousin's sister is also diagnosed ADHD, so of all the cousins on that side, we're 3 for 3 being ND. My husband and I personally have decided to be one and done because we don't feel we have the mental capacity to give another child the life they deserve, and we are able to pay for all the different therapies my daughter needs (money would be hella tight if we ended up with two kids needing therapies--especially since there's no guarantee a second wouldn't potentially have more issues. They could be NT of course, but we want to be able to provide the best we can for our daughter and don't want to gamble on that). When it comes to parenting, you can never know what you're going to come up against. My friends just lost their daughter to a heart defect that was just a fluke of nature. It happens. But you need to weigh your own personal abilities against the different likelihoods., >I remember not even just as a kid but well into my teen years i was so abusive to my mom. Id scream id yell at her saying i hate her. My siblings resented me for most of their lives because i could never handle being out for long and wed have to leave things early and I was always having loud sometimes violent meltdowns. I was constantly having problems with the school and peers and behavioral issues both at school and home. Id lash out all of the time and I was honestly miserable myself. I pretty much sucked the life out of my family and sometimes i think about how easier their lives wouldve been if it were just them and my neurotypical siblings. I really do not want to be in the position my mom was in. I have a great relationship with my family now and I don’t blame them cause everyone has their limits. I can't tell you whether or not you should have kids, but it really sounds like you would benefit a lot from trauma therapy. Your "constant behavioural problems" are what happens when a person has a chronically dysregulated nervous system. Years of chronic dysregulation causes trauma, even when nothing obviously "Traumatic" happened during that time. Being in a chronic state of fight or flight, not having the skills or resources to get out of it (because you were a child) and feeling like an outsider in your own family is real trauma. My older kid reminds me a lot of my older brother who sounds similar to you as a child, but possibly more violent and abusive towards his siblings. Once I realized she was autistic (at 2.5), I was absolutely terrified of every horrible thing that happened in my childhood repeating itself. She's only 5.5 now and she's the sweetest kid! She has a ton of anxiety and sometimes has bad meltdowns, but life is so much better and easier than I thought it would be, considering how bad my childhood was. I parent very differently than my parents and I focus on connection and regulation. My kids are thriving., Generally speaking, anything goes when you decide to have kids. Your child might not have autism but could still be neurodivergent with its own set of challenges. Or they could have medical issues that are hard. Or they could be “perfect” and get into an accident later on in life and you have to take care of them long term. Nobody knows unfortunately. Having a kid is stressful. Having a child with additional needs is usually more stressful. You definitely need to be 100% onboard with it., I think a geneticist can help determine your risk factor. Pregnancy and childbirth is doable. The parts you can control and help are to take good care of your health and find good medical care. (US). If there’s a good chance of having a child with ADHD or Autism, absolutely pay attention to the school system where you plan to live after your child is 3yrs. Prior to age 3yr it’s early intervention for any help which usually is county determined. Every child and every parent is different, I don’t think anyone can really prepare you. One thing that does help with parenting are things like babysitting or learning about child development., My dad was autistic. He was never diagnosed, as no one knew what autism even was back then, but when my daughter was diagnosed in the 90s (and diagnosing was still pretty new then, especially for girls), it all became clear to me. My youngest brother is likely autistic too. Maybe my oldest. I wonder if knowing when I was younger would have helped. Dad was a great guy, big heart, giving, but had some really difficult unusual behaviors that were way, way different from other dads, for sure. He sometimes drove others crazy and had pretty much no friends, but I don't think many people actively disliked him, because he was such a good guy. And he was smart. He could fix anything, and kids would bring him their bikes, toys, lawnmowers, even cars, and he'd just do it. Gratefully. Happy to help! I remember a friend parked her car in our drive once when she visited me, and when she came out my dad tells her, "I saw you needed your oil changed. I took care of it for you." Every Halloween he'd make batches of his famous fudge and everyone knew to come to his house to get it (50 years later I'd have people mention that to me). He was a good dad. I have 4 siblings. All 5 of us have an autistic child. So yeah, it's hereditary. They're all high functioning. Just like anyone thinking of having kids, consider yourself, your partner, and your resources, and that's what you use to make the decision. Can you care for a child? Do you want to? It's a forever job. Will you love them? Can you reasonably afford them? Good luck., Chances are you are not the only autistic person in your family even though some may be undiagnosed. No one, not even a geneticist can predict the chance of you having an autistic child because autism is very heterogenous. I think you should have a child if you want to have a child. Are you planning to marry/have children with your boyfriend in the very near future? Your boyfriend may want to volunteer with autistic children to get an idea of the different ways autism can look. I always tell my friends that don’t have children to open their mind because you don’t know what kind of child you will have. A diagnosed autistic person should procreate with the mindset, “I’d be okay if my child had autism” because there’s a very real chance it could occur., I’m autistic and have two children. One is autistic, one is not. If you want to have children then have them. Autism is not a deadly disease. Everything is genetic, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, heart disease, breast cancer. But we do not stop or dissuade women with a familial history of breast cancer or heart disease from having kids. Best of luck to you., You're not an ass for asking! If I had known I was likely ASD I would have been asking the same questions. My son is 3 and level 3 and non verbal but he is making progress so I don't think he will stay that way. It's emotionally really hard because I feel like I passed my autism on and it effects my son more significantly. With that said my son is a delightful boy with minimal behaviors who I love very much. For me, it's not his ASD day to day that makes things hard but it is the worry about his future, services, schools etc. I struggle significantly with anxiety. I think you have to make the decision that feels right for you ultimately but I think it's very responsible to ask these questions. I wish I had been able to do the same. I also would have felt better if I knew it was a possibility opposed to it being a complete shock., My son (ASD lvl 1) is the only one on either side of our families that is diagnosed. There might be undiagnosed ADHD but no one with autism. I have another NT toddler and am pregnant with number 3. I can only comment on how it impacts a marriage, for us it’s brought us closer, we are a team and we will do anything for our little guy. If he was high needs I’m sure that would put additional strain on a relationship. I would speak to your bf and ensure you are on the same page on how you would parent and support a child with ASD, there is no telling what level of support they may require etc. As parents we just don’t want our children’s lives to be harder than necessary, we just want them to be happy. That being said many NT people can still struggle with mental health or addiction, there is no guarantee our children will not face certain hardships. So in my eyes, yes the challenges of our NT and ASD children will be different, it doesn’t change the fact we will support them both in the best ways we can., Counter question, you say you were always lashing out and abusive to your mom. When and why did it stop?, There are no studies. That being said, my husband sees a therapist through "my autistic therpist" and she runs a coaching support group for autistic parents (as in you have ASD and you have kids). The fee is pretty nominal and might help with some of your fears. The coaching is available worldwide. My husband's therapist is autistic herself and has kids and is married, so her perspective is very authentic. About the divorce rate, also know that asd divorce rates (where a spouse has asd) is also 80 percent regardless of having kids, so just know that's there too. In my marriage my asd spouse's executive dysfunction and alexithymia are huge issues...and I say that as someone with adhd who understands executive dysfunction. I'd really recommend all books by John gottman to you. He explains exactly what's expected in a marital relationship at a level thats helpful for people with alexithymia. My asd husband just didn't understand a lot....and didn't seek out solutions. He just melted down and got defensive, which isn't an appropriate when your partner expresses a need or feeling...so i do feel like untreated asd alone is a huge marital issue. That being said, it's simply a matter of treating your own symptoms well to be successful with both, so with both parenting and marriage it's definitely worthwhile to get a handle on all your symptoms and use all the resources out there to the fullest extent you can (DBT, coaching, aba, apps for executive dysfunction, a planner, a white board etc)., A documentary I just watched with my autistic kid that I'd highly recommend if you want a bit of a look at becoming an autistic parent together with an allistic parent is Expecting Amy. Granted, the autistic parent in this scenario isn't the one pregnant, but it goes pretty in-depth with how this couple deals with a very difficult pregnancy with one of the parents being autistic and getting diagnosed in the middle of the pregnancy as well., Undiagnosed autistic mom of 2 kids (one diagnosed, one not) here. My SO is classically on the spectrum, also undiagnosed. I would say that kids were a net positive for our family, but the first 4 years were bloody HARD and resource expensive. There's some stuff like early intervention that's available free from the state, but kids generally need more than the bare minimum of therapy they offer. Our marriage is solid, but I will say that things could have gone A LOT worse if we still drank like we did before the kids (both SO and I went sober at the first pregnancy.) If you are in a position where your mental and financial health is such that you can swing the care of a baby alone, go for it. When you think about it, it's as basic as survival of the fittest. If you are holding your own in adulthood as an autistic person, chances are, your kid will too. They also have a high chance of being ASD. Which isn't inherently a bad thing. My SO is the most brilliant, hard working and ethical person I know, if our kids turn out anything like him, the world will be a better place for it., I think if you don’t know where the desire to have biological children comes from you should start with those feelings. If you’re on the fence about that you might want to see a therapist and work through what your actual feelings are about having children regardless of whether they are NT or ND., I don’t mean to simplify this too much, but aside from the concern of passing on ASD, which idk has been proven to be genetic, you really need to decide if having a kid is really something you even want. Your post seems to lean towards not, more so than yes. And that’s perfectly okay bc parenthood isn’t for everyone. I have plenty of friends that have chosen to live their lives without being a parent, but if that’s your true desire, you just need to be upfront with your partner. There may be consequences to that decision, but becoming a parent can have consequences that you don’t want either. Parenthood can be great, and it can also be hell. Anyone that tells you it’s all roses isn’t being honest with you or themselves. Parenting is hard with or without a child with ASD. It can be physically and mentally exhausting, and it’s a huge financial burden for those without sufficient medical coverage and finances. I’m not saying this to scare you, simply being realistic. I have three kids and live them all to death. My middle is ASD and was extremely challenging in the early years, but now he’s doing well. My youngest, not ASD, is an absolute handful most days and constantly challenges her mother and I. There aren’t ASD kids and non-ASD kids, they’re all just kids that come with any random assortment of personalities. I truly hope you find the answers you came here looking for and make the best choice for you. Best of luck!, I say this lovingly as a 49 year old mom of 6, with a son with level 3 autism. If having a child like Cash would be your worst nightmare, don't have kids. You have no control over what child you may have and once you have a child you can't "un have" them. So, until you are at peace about fully accepting and embracing whatever kind of child you have, challenges and all, don't have a child. Although Cash is an extreme case and none of us know much about his true history or what is really going on, I have worked with quite a few kiddos who rival Cash's intensity. It is uncommon, but not THAT uncommon. Here is the advice I gave my daughters, who are right around your age: Never have a child because your man wants one. There is a good chance that you will carry the bulk of the mental and physical load with any child you have. Only have a child if you are prepared to do everything for that child. You never know what kind of parent someone will be until they become one. Before you conceive anyone, please sit and think about whether you are ready for the level of selflessness parenting requires and how you will feel if you have to do it yourself. Even if your boyfriend is the most wonderful person in the world right now, that doesn't mean it is going to translate into being willing to share parenting responsibilities in a way that feels equitable to you. It doesn't matter if he loves kids, if kids love him, if he adores baby animals, etc. There is no experience that can adequately prepare you for becoming a parent. It is quite a ride! Believe it or not, I love being a parent. I have been a parent for 30 years. But I can't sit here and not be honest with you. Parenting is the hardest job you will ever do. It is also the best, in my opinion. But hard. I just want to make sure that you make the decision to have children because you truly want to have children and that you go in without expectation. Read these threads and see how many people say things like "this isn't how I imagined my life would be". That is some deep sadness., The fact is we don't know. We know there is a strong genetic component, but there are also tons of cases where its seemingly not genetic. You can get genetic testing, but there are only a handful of identified mutations that have positively been linked. That is your best bet, and yet you are likely to just get a shrug. All four of our children are autistic. We are 99% sure it came from my wife. She herself got diagnosed level 1 ASD last year. With our experience now and all that we've learned we are 99% certain her father is autistic as well. I'm sure undiagnosed cases are rampant in his family. But the genetic testing points to two mutations inherited from her that are "not statistically significant". If we had known all this prior to having children, we really would not know if she would have passed it on. Are either of your parents autistic? Or even suspected? If not, then even if it is genetic it seems not to be dominant and who the heck knows., I was diagnosed with Asperger's as a kid and I was also aggressive and my mom fixed that fast in me at age 16 when she told me I could no longer live at home if I make the whole house unsafe. No more me being aggressive ever. It's a matter of why kids with autism are aggressive and why they do it and if they do that only at home or everywhere. If only at home, let's not make the home safe place for them to be aggressive or they will be sent away or arrested for assault or they lose privileges. I have a son with ASD lv 1 which would have been AS if that were still a diagnoses. He isn't aggressive and would get into trouble if he tried. I never made my home a safe place for him to be aggressive and he knows this. If he got aggressive because he got angry I would tell him it's okay to be upset and angry and he is entitled to his feelings but he has no right to abuse us and the house and the furniture and he will lose his video games if he gets abusive. I tell him he can beat a pillow or a stuffed animal but no throwing. I totally get it, he gets overloaded with negative feelings so he acts out so I did the same too and I just have emotional outbursts than aggression. I had lot of it as a teen so I acted out aggressively and my family wasn't helping. They just basically abandoned me emotionally and made it all be my fault for my feelings and all they did was make my anxiety worse so I had more behavior. But I didn't dare to do it at school and I only had outbursts than aggression. My son has them at school too and has flipped over a table or chair knowing you can't break those and no one is going to get hurt if he turns it over. He just gets sent out to the pod where he can calm down. Just as long as my son has his dad's phone or uses mine, he is okay in public. Same as on long car rides. He also has ADHD. First pregnancy was easy for me and the second one was difficult. He was easy in my pregnancy but I went through 8 hrs of labor and I had an epidural and gave vaginal birth but it took me 45 minutes of pushing for him to come out. Second one, my daughter pushed on my organs and rib cage and labor contractions where sharper and she came so fast, I was not able to have an epidural so I have a natural delivery and pushed her out in like 15 seconds but had 3rd degree tear. I didn't even feel her come out, I only felt intense pressure down there. It took the doctor 20 minutes to stitch me back up down there. I was sore down there after the first delivery but felt nothing down there after the second delivery. My son was very sweet to his sister and liked showing her everything and playing with her and talking to her so he basically did my job for me by giving her attention she needed and he would even tell me when she was awake or stinky and he was finally fully potty trained because he wanted to show her how to go potty. He was never jealous. I also told him he was a good brother. He never showed aggression towards her like he did to his peers at school so he had a aid with him and early intervention. He was placed under developmental delay in preschool and then autism when he started kindergarten but he didn't get medically diagnosed until he was 12. He only had educational autism on his IEP and his school felt he needed a medical diagnoses so they can support him more. &#x200B; My son has been a challenge at times and would do anything to get out of doing stuff he doesn't want to do and during Covid it was very tough. he simply didn't want to do school work at home and would pretend he couldn't use a keyboard and purposely mess up and me and my husband had to be contestant and stick with it and not do the work for him. I would take away electronics for the day and he could only get them back if he did remote learning. My husband had him stand in the corner if he didn't do his school work. I also found out he wanted to be a game designer so I told him only way he can be one when he grew up was if he did his school work so he can go to high school and graduate and then go to college. He also wouldn't learn to read so me and my husband refused to read everything in video games for him and we told him if he knew how to read, he would know what it says and we can't be reading everything to him whenever he plays a video game. He learned to read and he finally started doing school work, we had to find a way to get him motivated. He still refused to learn to tie his shoes but we pick our battles, there are lot of shoes that are laceless so we never bothered. If he sees a reason to learn it, he will. I think with me being ND as well, I never had to take classes or take my son to different doctors to figure out how to parent him like mine did. And times have changed so schools get funding now for each ASD kid so they help them now and it makes it easier on the parents. Might depend on the state as well. Where I live, schools get funding. We didn't have this when I was a kid so it was harder for me and my parents had to advocate for me and fight to get them to follow my IEP and had to get an attorney involved and my psychologist. Schools will do anything to save money if there is no funding., I wasn't accepting of the peers or the psychologist that thought i was autistic until after my son was diagnosed so ymmv. However, being his mom has been a huge lesson in self acceptance for me. It was very rough at first. Especially, getting to the diagnosis and not knowing if he'd be verbal or not. He's only 2 1/2 so there's still plenty of unknowns, but in someways he's much easier then nt kids and in some ways he's a lot harder. I hated pregnancy. Childbirth wasn't horrible (i got an epidural), but after pregnancy your body changes a lot and, in my experience, not in a positive way. My husband and i fight, like most husbands and wives, but nothing more than your typical arguments and our marriage is solid. We also both want more kids. If you have anything i didn't cover or want to ask something else, i'll respond as best i can., If you have an enduring support network that can meet you wherever you are, that’s important. Also financial stability. And your partner needs to be fully on board for being a fully autonomous parent. And your space should be sensory affirming. If you’ve already made steps to make it comfy for you, chances are your kids will be similar. Basically, you need to plan for all the same things you would for an NT child. And good news! If you plan your space for a sensory seeking or avoiding child, chances are an NT child will also thrive there. Autism is a developmental disorder and may appear differently in different people, but I have found that within families, a lot of the same traits tend to be passed on. You need to be super aware of your own triggers and have strategies on how to manage them without taking them out on your child. A lot of these strategies work double duty because you can often teach your children how to do them too. Developmentally, it also means that you tend to mature in different ways at different times. When I was in my 20’s, I felt like a teenager in a lot of ways, a kid in some ways, but an adult in others. It was very confusing at the time. When both my kids were diagnosed with autism, I also did some digging and found out that my parents had gotten me diagnosed when I was very young, but decided I would grow out of it if they were just super harsh on me. Spoiler: I am still autistic. I did have to spend a lot of time with them working on controlling their voice level. Both of them went through a very upsetting period of vocal stimming via screaming. That wasn’t great. But with time, they pretty much grew out of it. Both are very creative and thoughtful. They did need ieps in school to help them with speech and occupational therapy, but my eldest has “graduated” from her iep and is nearly completed with her social skills classes. If all goes well, she graduates in a few months from the program entirely, though I have been assured that she can see a nd-affirming therapist for social emotional wellness as needed. All in all, it wasn’t exactly harder to raise autistic kids. It was just harder in certain ways but easier in others when compared to Nt kids. For example, when they were younger, I could get laundry done more easily because they’d just hang out in one place focused on an activity. But at the park, they would literally just run towards danger without even thinking so I had to stay on my toes. Basically, theres always a chance your child will have special needs, so have a plan and a support group are the most important things., It's hard to say if you'd pass down autism. In my case my grandmother on my mom's side has a sister. My grandma had my mom and my aunt ( full sisters) and they function in society as neurotypical, they have never been diagnosed but they are in their 60s and autism wasn't all that known back then if they were functioning in society, but I can tell you my mom definitely might fit into what you would expect a level 1 would be. My mom then had me and my brother who both function in society as neurotypical. My grandmas sister had a level 3 non verbal boy on the spectrum. And now here I am and I have 4 kids and my 3rd child (but first boy) is non communicative and has very little receptive language. So in some people's mind , my situation would suggest autism could have technically jumped 2 generations -skipping my mom, skipping me, and then right to my boy. Its hard to say. I have 4 kids though and my last one it's too early to tell if he has autism yet. So if he doesn't have autism then I have 1/4 kids with autism. He does than I have 2/4. I know this doesn't really give you an answer, but just a little story to help you in your own research!, Hi! Sooo Autism is definitely genetics and just because no one in your family is diagnosed doesn't mean there aren't any! :-) That being said, I was recently diagnosed at 27, I have 2 kids, both of which have autism and are on various degrees of the spectrum. It's a big change in your life and if you do decide to take this step, please make sure you have all the help in the world you can get! Family, friends, counselors, therapists, anybody who can help and think and make the process easier, do so! But also.. Grow a thick skin? Because becoming a mom means following your own gut and trusting yourself which is something I wasn't good at when I first became a mom. But it grows on you! And now I am a pro! Being pregnant was exciting and scary at the same time. I never felt more in touch with my body as when I was pregnant, but then in the end everything gets uncomfortable and its sensory overload 24/7. Giving birth hurts, but is it worth it in the end? Always know your options and research what YOU feel most comfortable with. Not what your mother, boyfriend or next door neighbor wants for your delivery. Also, it can be very intense. Sensory wise it's hell. Raising autistic kids before I knew they were autistic was a battle and I sadly had my 4 year old end up in a burn out. It wasn't until we got her diagnosis and we got the right help and she is now a loud, happy, bright and colorful 7 year old that shows the world who's the boss! If you know you have autism (I didn't at the time.) You are already a step ahead. As soon as your kid starts showing signs you know it's time to get them seen and guide them as best as you would have wanted to be guided at the time! After we learned about our first child's diagnosis we did everything to understand her, help her regulate and help ourselves to stay regulated. Since then, we seldom have melt downs. When it comes to what level of autism your child is going to have it doesn't really matter. For all you know you end up with a neurotypical child that struggles with things too. You will have to learn to navigate when the time comes. The part about understanding why your boyfriend doesn't want to adopt.. I guess preference? But with that situation too.. An adopted child might have trauma. Trauma can be displayed in many ways and that is then a case you will have to learn to navigate. I see your boyfriend has ADHD and you do too. So you know the baby could end up with ADHD as well. I have both ADHD and autism too and I really wouldn't say one is worse than the other. They have a lot of co-morbidities that could make things "more difficult" and it's not so black and white that neurotypical children or another neurotype is easier to deal with than autism. I would like to end with: having babies isn't a bad thing. Having autistic babies isn't a bad thing. Being an autistic mother isn't a bad thing. BUT, you seem worried, and you seem scared and if you were my daughter telling me what you wrote here, I would tell you: don't do it. Atleast? Not now. And if your boyfriend is very "pushy" about wanting kids some day, then please think long and hard if this is the person you want to stay with. Having kids because someone else wants them is ALWAYS a bad idea. And having kids isn't as easy as summing up neurotypes and figuring out how big the chances are of them getting one or the other. Regardless of neurotype, all kids struggle, all kids have hard parts in growing up and all parents go through that. Only you know yourself best if you could handle all the above. ❤️, Not diagnosed but pretty sure I am autistic. My autistic 4.5 year old definitely causes me to get over stimulated frequently. The constant noise is hard. When they get into a very touchy phase and want to crawl all over me and pet me it makes me feel like I'm gonna explode. I unfortunately do sometimes yell when I am at my limit with noises or touching and have to distance myself. Plus side is I understand a good portion of what they are going through with noise sensitivity, textural issues, anger issues because of over stimulation. The different types of therapy has helped me find my own coping skills., I’m ADHD, but not autistic. My daughter is level 1, diagnosed autistic and likely will catch an adhd diagnosis when she turns 4. If I really thought about it prior- my spouse is likely undiagnosed level 1. Even if he had been diagnosed prior to us deciding to have a child, I still think I would have gone ahead and had a kid with him. Now- this is coming from someone with a child that, by the experts guess, is likely to be low support needs. While parenting an autistic child does come with some challenges, my experience is that there is way more I love and enjoy about my daughter than that I find challenging. She is literally the light of my life. I say this as she eats pasta and smears red sauce all over creation. Pasta for dinner is always an awful mess, but it’s a safe food and I can sneak veggies in with it so it stays in the rotation., I’m AuDHD and I have two asd kids and one possibly NT kid. My son is on waitlist to be assessed for adhd. Obviously I am level one and I think my son is level 2 and my daughter level 1.5. I would never know I had asd until I have kids. That explains why I felt like an alien and couldn’t even fit in at school and I barely have any close friends. Women and girls are not diagnosed in the 90’s to 00’s so I missed the radar., There is no history of Autism in my family, so it's not hereditary in my case. But I was an older mom, with gestational diabeties, and a history of MDD and anxiety, and habe two kids with ASD level 1. I would have a conversation with your boyfriend and a genetics counselor or MD. They will explain to you both in layman's terms the likelihood of having a kid with ASD, and that there is no guarentee of what kind of ASD support level that may be., Ya I didn’t know my “quirks” were autism traits till my son was getting diagnosed. He is just a more extreme version of me…. I’m 40 and basically my mom knew there was something but didn’t know what. They tested me every few years and nothing ever materialized. As an adult a dermatologist said I had OCD, went to a psychiatrist and he confirmed I had that, then as I got older my anxiety was getting worse and I was having panic attacks and my doctor asked if I had been tested for ADHD and I said as a kid and she said things have changed. I have severe ADHD which caused issues for the OCD and anxiety. It’s a wicked little cycle that feeds into each other. Been on max dose ADHD meds which got me off the 3 anxiety meds I was on and then I go on and off meds as needed for the OCD. I have always had hyper mobility, if it can be dislocated I’ve done it. I’m clumsy and have always said I was the queen of minor injuries. I get very focused and obsessive on topics and consume nothing but that and only want to talk about it. Friends are hard to make and keep. I’m an extroverted introvert, it’s hard to get me out but then I’m social when out but I can’t socialize properly. I know this but I can’t do it right, it sucks. When my son was getting tested and I was reading up on things A lot was me and he still is just a more extreme version of me. I find it helps me parent him. I don’t get overwhelmed like everyone else when they watch him. It’s like I’m in his head so I know what is going to bother him or what he’s thinking of doing before he does it. I can warn him if I know a sound bothers me and he covers his ears because I know it will bother him. I can see things in a store that I know he will be drawn to and can navigate it. I know what clothing he will or won’t like. I know which blankets he prefers. The only thing he doesn’t trust me fully on yet is foods. I know what he will and won’t like. But he don’t try a lot of things because he is so visual. But he’s learning to trust me, he closes his eyes and takes a nibble but it’s slow going. So for me yes my kid is level 2 non verbal autistic (he turned 4 in December) but being his mom is very easy. Dealing with all his “things” doesn’t affect me the same as others. During his assessments they are always asking how we are doing and how our son is very active and a hand full and it’s fine. He is me and I can handle me. I don’t know how else to explain it., Looks like there's a flood of us who didn't recognize autism in themselves until their kid(s) were diagnosed, I'm in that boat as well. But my kid is friggin awesome. Legitimately the coolest little human I've ever met, all the stuff I got chastised for are the things I love best about her. I love that I can understand her on a level that my parents didn't understand me, and I love giving her the childhood I didn't get. I'm sure I'll make mistakes, I'm sure it will be hard (really fckin hard) at times, but I have zero regrets., All I'm gonna say is that my husband and I are the same kind of Autistic. Our son, isn't. A lot of his stims are our triggers, and it can be very difficult to keep calm., My husband is likely autistic. We are both ADHD. Both of our kids have ADHD and one is autistic. The ADHD is the more brutal one at this point but that’s because our autistic one is still so young and level 1., I don’t think the 80% divorce rate is true, I am not able to find a legit source for that, I don't think being autistic is a bad thing. Autistic people do awesome stuff in life. My kiddos are autistic and they are the best., If you can adopt, that is one other option., Pardon my ignorance but why do we think that autism is genetic or otherwise heritable?, That feeling of never fitting in. Never being understood. Being an outsider. Feeling out of step with everyone. It all makes so much more sense now., Same! So many of my mental health issues are explained by autism., Same. This is why I don’t recommend having kids, really to anyone., Same!, I suppose that makes a lot of sense I’ve definitely spent years talking about this in therapy. I replied to my comment kind of about my childhood but yeah id say some of the things that i was put through definitely still affect me today even though im in a really great place. You seem like an amazing mom your daughter is really lucky to have you, Same! I didn't know I was autistic or get diagnosed until after my son was diagnosed and I noticed a ton of similarities between him and I. He is level 3. But my younger daughter has shown no signs of autism. I think it's just a gamble. But if I had to do it again, I would. My son is absolutely wonderful and I'm not sad about him having autism. Like you said, it's not a deadly disease., I was put in a lot of therapies and medications against my will since as young as 5 years old. Id be seeing specialist after specialist week after week just to try to get me “fixed” where i genuinely hated my mother for the majority of my life and I’ve always resented my family because my siblings are two like golden children and i was used as an “example” a lot. I hated being autistic and hated myself most of my life. My relationship with my mom improved once i started to actively try to heal my trauma and move on from my past and once i was less angry i was kinder to my family and i was lucky enough to have them be receptive to that. Over the past year for the first time in my life i feel like im actually a part of the family. I cant remember the last time there was any kind of conflict or when anyone yelled. But a big part of that was because of my boyfriend. He loves me so much for who i am and has made me see myself in such a positive light and he makes me want to be a better person. We’re moving out together soon too :) sorry for the tangent, I want to, but my boyfriend wants his genes passed down., Autism frequently runs in families and in identical twins I believe autism occurs close to 90% for the other twin if one twin has it. Autism isn't just one thing caused by one gene though so the genetics are complicated. Most studies I have seen put autism at 80% genetics and 20% environmental influences. Also, in some cases ASD can be caused by a de novo mutation not passed down by either parent, but a new mutation in the individuals genes. Many families who have genetic testing done come up with nothing not because they don't have a gene implicated in autism but rather the gene has not been identified yet. All this to say the genetics of autism are very complicated but most research agrees it is strongly genetic. Anecdotally, I realized after my son was diagnosed that I am probably on the spectrum with lower support needs, as are a few other people in my family. From what I read on here this seems pretty common., It’s like you’re reading my mind, I'm a big proponent of processing childhood trauma and making sure you have really strong emotional regulation/ coping skills before having kids. Otherwise, it's very hard not to either perpetuate the same kind of dysfunction or to overcompensate too much in the opposite direction and perpetuate a different kind of dysfunction. It is possible to do things differently and create a healthy family dynamic, but being a cycle breaker is SO HARD, especially if you don't have a supportive family behind you. You don't have to be perfectly regulated at all times, but if you're already struggling with regulation, having kids will make it much, much worse. Speaking from experience here... don't be like me and ignore the trauma and then have a mental breakdown and spend years dissociated and barely making it through the day (covid isolation and being in a dysfunctional relationship also played a part here). I started trauma therapy a year ago, and things are much better now. I'm also getting divorced (hooray!), [deleted], There is a strong genetic component to autism, so there would be an increased likelihood that your children would be autistic. There are also many stories of "lower support needs" parents having "high support needs" children, so that is something you would need to decide if you would be mentally and financially able to deal with. It is far, far from a certainty, but something you need to weigh out. What would happen if you ended up with a child who could never live independently. Is that a deal breaker for you? Is it a deal breaker for your SO? As I said, that is far from a certainty. It's just an increased risk out there. Especially if both you and your partner are ND. My daughter is level 1 and the more we learn about her, the more we grow to believe my husband is undiagnosed level 1 himself (he was diagnosed with a number of learning disabilities in the 90s, but under the modern criteria, we are pretty darn sure he would have been labeled autistic if being evaluated now). His mother is also pretty certain now that her father was looking back on it. Since one of my daughter's cousins on that side is also recently diagnosed, we're pretty darn sure where that came down genetically. That cousin's sister is also diagnosed ADHD, so of all the cousins on that side, we're 3 for 3 being ND. My husband and I personally have decided to be one and done because we don't feel we have the mental capacity to give another child the life they deserve, and we are able to pay for all the different therapies my daughter needs (money would be hella tight if we ended up with two kids needing therapies--especially since there's no guarantee a second wouldn't potentially have more issues. They could be NT of course, but we want to be able to provide the best we can for our daughter and don't want to gamble on that). When it comes to parenting, you can never know what you're going to come up against. My friends just lost their daughter to a heart defect that was just a fluke of nature. It happens. But you need to weigh your own personal abilities against the different likelihoods., >I remember not even just as a kid but well into my teen years i was so abusive to my mom. Id scream id yell at her saying i hate her. My siblings resented me for most of their lives because i could never handle being out for long and wed have to leave things early and I was always having loud sometimes violent meltdowns. I was constantly having problems with the school and peers and behavioral issues both at school and home. Id lash out all of the time and I was honestly miserable myself. I pretty much sucked the life out of my family and sometimes i think about how easier their lives wouldve been if it were just them and my neurotypical siblings. I really do not want to be in the position my mom was in. I have a great relationship with my family now and I don’t blame them cause everyone has their limits. I can't tell you whether or not you should have kids, but it really sounds like you would benefit a lot from trauma therapy. Your "constant behavioural problems" are what happens when a person has a chronically dysregulated nervous system. Years of chronic dysregulation causes trauma, even when nothing obviously "Traumatic" happened during that time. Being in a chronic state of fight or flight, not having the skills or resources to get out of it (because you were a child) and feeling like an outsider in your own family is real trauma. My older kid reminds me a lot of my older brother who sounds similar to you as a child, but possibly more violent and abusive towards his siblings. Once I realized she was autistic (at 2.5), I was absolutely terrified of every horrible thing that happened in my childhood repeating itself. She's only 5.5 now and she's the sweetest kid! She has a ton of anxiety and sometimes has bad meltdowns, but life is so much better and easier than I thought it would be, considering how bad my childhood was. I parent very differently than my parents and I focus on connection and regulation. My kids are thriving., Generally speaking, anything goes when you decide to have kids. Your child might not have autism but could still be neurodivergent with its own set of challenges. Or they could have medical issues that are hard. Or they could be “perfect” and get into an accident later on in life and you have to take care of them long term. Nobody knows unfortunately. Having a kid is stressful. Having a child with additional needs is usually more stressful. You definitely need to be 100% onboard with it., I think a geneticist can help determine your risk factor. Pregnancy and childbirth is doable. The parts you can control and help are to take good care of your health and find good medical care. (US). If there’s a good chance of having a child with ADHD or Autism, absolutely pay attention to the school system where you plan to live after your child is 3yrs. Prior to age 3yr it’s early intervention for any help which usually is county determined. Every child and every parent is different, I don’t think anyone can really prepare you. One thing that does help with parenting are things like babysitting or learning about child development., My dad was autistic. He was never diagnosed, as no one knew what autism even was back then, but when my daughter was diagnosed in the 90s (and diagnosing was still pretty new then, especially for girls), it all became clear to me. My youngest brother is likely autistic too. Maybe my oldest. I wonder if knowing when I was younger would have helped. Dad was a great guy, big heart, giving, but had some really difficult unusual behaviors that were way, way different from other dads, for sure. He sometimes drove others crazy and had pretty much no friends, but I don't think many people actively disliked him, because he was such a good guy. And he was smart. He could fix anything, and kids would bring him their bikes, toys, lawnmowers, even cars, and he'd just do it. Gratefully. Happy to help! I remember a friend parked her car in our drive once when she visited me, and when she came out my dad tells her, "I saw you needed your oil changed. I took care of it for you." Every Halloween he'd make batches of his famous fudge and everyone knew to come to his house to get it (50 years later I'd have people mention that to me). He was a good dad. I have 4 siblings. All 5 of us have an autistic child. So yeah, it's hereditary. They're all high functioning. Just like anyone thinking of having kids, consider yourself, your partner, and your resources, and that's what you use to make the decision. Can you care for a child? Do you want to? It's a forever job. Will you love them? Can you reasonably afford them? Good luck., Chances are you are not the only autistic person in your family even though some may be undiagnosed. No one, not even a geneticist can predict the chance of you having an autistic child because autism is very heterogenous. I think you should have a child if you want to have a child. Are you planning to marry/have children with your boyfriend in the very near future? Your boyfriend may want to volunteer with autistic children to get an idea of the different ways autism can look. I always tell my friends that don’t have children to open their mind because you don’t know what kind of child you will have. A diagnosed autistic person should procreate with the mindset, “I’d be okay if my child had autism” because there’s a very real chance it could occur., I’m autistic and have two children. One is autistic, one is not. If you want to have children then have them. Autism is not a deadly disease. Everything is genetic, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, heart disease, breast cancer. But we do not stop or dissuade women with a familial history of breast cancer or heart disease from having kids. Best of luck to you., You're not an ass for asking! If I had known I was likely ASD I would have been asking the same questions. My son is 3 and level 3 and non verbal but he is making progress so I don't think he will stay that way. It's emotionally really hard because I feel like I passed my autism on and it effects my son more significantly. With that said my son is a delightful boy with minimal behaviors who I love very much. For me, it's not his ASD day to day that makes things hard but it is the worry about his future, services, schools etc. I struggle significantly with anxiety. I think you have to make the decision that feels right for you ultimately but I think it's very responsible to ask these questions. I wish I had been able to do the same. I also would have felt better if I knew it was a possibility opposed to it being a complete shock., My son (ASD lvl 1) is the only one on either side of our families that is diagnosed. There might be undiagnosed ADHD but no one with autism. I have another NT toddler and am pregnant with number 3. I can only comment on how it impacts a marriage, for us it’s brought us closer, we are a team and we will do anything for our little guy. If he was high needs I’m sure that would put additional strain on a relationship. I would speak to your bf and ensure you are on the same page on how you would parent and support a child with ASD, there is no telling what level of support they may require etc. As parents we just don’t want our children’s lives to be harder than necessary, we just want them to be happy. That being said many NT people can still struggle with mental health or addiction, there is no guarantee our children will not face certain hardships. So in my eyes, yes the challenges of our NT and ASD children will be different, it doesn’t change the fact we will support them both in the best ways we can., Counter question, you say you were always lashing out and abusive to your mom. When and why did it stop?, There are no studies. That being said, my husband sees a therapist through "my autistic therpist" and she runs a coaching support group for autistic parents (as in you have ASD and you have kids). The fee is pretty nominal and might help with some of your fears. The coaching is available worldwide. My husband's therapist is autistic herself and has kids and is married, so her perspective is very authentic. About the divorce rate, also know that asd divorce rates (where a spouse has asd) is also 80 percent regardless of having kids, so just know that's there too. In my marriage my asd spouse's executive dysfunction and alexithymia are huge issues...and I say that as someone with adhd who understands executive dysfunction. I'd really recommend all books by John gottman to you. He explains exactly what's expected in a marital relationship at a level thats helpful for people with alexithymia. My asd husband just didn't understand a lot....and didn't seek out solutions. He just melted down and got defensive, which isn't an appropriate when your partner expresses a need or feeling...so i do feel like untreated asd alone is a huge marital issue. That being said, it's simply a matter of treating your own symptoms well to be successful with both, so with both parenting and marriage it's definitely worthwhile to get a handle on all your symptoms and use all the resources out there to the fullest extent you can (DBT, coaching, aba, apps for executive dysfunction, a planner, a white board etc)., A documentary I just watched with my autistic kid that I'd highly recommend if you want a bit of a look at becoming an autistic parent together with an allistic parent is Expecting Amy. Granted, the autistic parent in this scenario isn't the one pregnant, but it goes pretty in-depth with how this couple deals with a very difficult pregnancy with one of the parents being autistic and getting diagnosed in the middle of the pregnancy as well., Undiagnosed autistic mom of 2 kids (one diagnosed, one not) here. My SO is classically on the spectrum, also undiagnosed. I would say that kids were a net positive for our family, but the first 4 years were bloody HARD and resource expensive. There's some stuff like early intervention that's available free from the state, but kids generally need more than the bare minimum of therapy they offer. Our marriage is solid, but I will say that things could have gone A LOT worse if we still drank like we did before the kids (both SO and I went sober at the first pregnancy.) If you are in a position where your mental and financial health is such that you can swing the care of a baby alone, go for it. When you think about it, it's as basic as survival of the fittest. If you are holding your own in adulthood as an autistic person, chances are, your kid will too. They also have a high chance of being ASD. Which isn't inherently a bad thing. My SO is the most brilliant, hard working and ethical person I know, if our kids turn out anything like him, the world will be a better place for it., I think if you don’t know where the desire to have biological children comes from you should start with those feelings. If you’re on the fence about that you might want to see a therapist and work through what your actual feelings are about having children regardless of whether they are NT or ND., I don’t mean to simplify this too much, but aside from the concern of passing on ASD, which idk has been proven to be genetic, you really need to decide if having a kid is really something you even want. Your post seems to lean towards not, more so than yes. And that’s perfectly okay bc parenthood isn’t for everyone. I have plenty of friends that have chosen to live their lives without being a parent, but if that’s your true desire, you just need to be upfront with your partner. There may be consequences to that decision, but becoming a parent can have consequences that you don’t want either. Parenthood can be great, and it can also be hell. Anyone that tells you it’s all roses isn’t being honest with you or themselves. Parenting is hard with or without a child with ASD. It can be physically and mentally exhausting, and it’s a huge financial burden for those without sufficient medical coverage and finances. I’m not saying this to scare you, simply being realistic. I have three kids and live them all to death. My middle is ASD and was extremely challenging in the early years, but now he’s doing well. My youngest, not ASD, is an absolute handful most days and constantly challenges her mother and I. There aren’t ASD kids and non-ASD kids, they’re all just kids that come with any random assortment of personalities. I truly hope you find the answers you came here looking for and make the best choice for you. Best of luck!, I say this lovingly as a 49 year old mom of 6, with a son with level 3 autism. If having a child like Cash would be your worst nightmare, don't have kids. You have no control over what child you may have and once you have a child you can't "un have" them. So, until you are at peace about fully accepting and embracing whatever kind of child you have, challenges and all, don't have a child. Although Cash is an extreme case and none of us know much about his true history or what is really going on, I have worked with quite a few kiddos who rival Cash's intensity. It is uncommon, but not THAT uncommon. Here is the advice I gave my daughters, who are right around your age: Never have a child because your man wants one. There is a good chance that you will carry the bulk of the mental and physical load with any child you have. Only have a child if you are prepared to do everything for that child. You never know what kind of parent someone will be until they become one. Before you conceive anyone, please sit and think about whether you are ready for the level of selflessness parenting requires and how you will feel if you have to do it yourself. Even if your boyfriend is the most wonderful person in the world right now, that doesn't mean it is going to translate into being willing to share parenting responsibilities in a way that feels equitable to you. It doesn't matter if he loves kids, if kids love him, if he adores baby animals, etc. There is no experience that can adequately prepare you for becoming a parent. It is quite a ride! Believe it or not, I love being a parent. I have been a parent for 30 years. But I can't sit here and not be honest with you. Parenting is the hardest job you will ever do. It is also the best, in my opinion. But hard. I just want to make sure that you make the decision to have children because you truly want to have children and that you go in without expectation. Read these threads and see how many people say things like "this isn't how I imagined my life would be". That is some deep sadness., The fact is we don't know. We know there is a strong genetic component, but there are also tons of cases where its seemingly not genetic. You can get genetic testing, but there are only a handful of identified mutations that have positively been linked. That is your best bet, and yet you are likely to just get a shrug. All four of our children are autistic. We are 99% sure it came from my wife. She herself got diagnosed level 1 ASD last year. With our experience now and all that we've learned we are 99% certain her father is autistic as well. I'm sure undiagnosed cases are rampant in his family. But the genetic testing points to two mutations inherited from her that are "not statistically significant". If we had known all this prior to having children, we really would not know if she would have passed it on. Are either of your parents autistic? Or even suspected? If not, then even if it is genetic it seems not to be dominant and who the heck knows., I was diagnosed with Asperger's as a kid and I was also aggressive and my mom fixed that fast in me at age 16 when she told me I could no longer live at home if I make the whole house unsafe. No more me being aggressive ever. It's a matter of why kids with autism are aggressive and why they do it and if they do that only at home or everywhere. If only at home, let's not make the home safe place for them to be aggressive or they will be sent away or arrested for assault or they lose privileges. I have a son with ASD lv 1 which would have been AS if that were still a diagnoses. He isn't aggressive and would get into trouble if he tried. I never made my home a safe place for him to be aggressive and he knows this. If he got aggressive because he got angry I would tell him it's okay to be upset and angry and he is entitled to his feelings but he has no right to abuse us and the house and the furniture and he will lose his video games if he gets abusive. I tell him he can beat a pillow or a stuffed animal but no throwing. I totally get it, he gets overloaded with negative feelings so he acts out so I did the same too and I just have emotional outbursts than aggression. I had lot of it as a teen so I acted out aggressively and my family wasn't helping. They just basically abandoned me emotionally and made it all be my fault for my feelings and all they did was make my anxiety worse so I had more behavior. But I didn't dare to do it at school and I only had outbursts than aggression. My son has them at school too and has flipped over a table or chair knowing you can't break those and no one is going to get hurt if he turns it over. He just gets sent out to the pod where he can calm down. Just as long as my son has his dad's phone or uses mine, he is okay in public. Same as on long car rides. He also has ADHD. First pregnancy was easy for me and the second one was difficult. He was easy in my pregnancy but I went through 8 hrs of labor and I had an epidural and gave vaginal birth but it took me 45 minutes of pushing for him to come out. Second one, my daughter pushed on my organs and rib cage and labor contractions where sharper and she came so fast, I was not able to have an epidural so I have a natural delivery and pushed her out in like 15 seconds but had 3rd degree tear. I didn't even feel her come out, I only felt intense pressure down there. It took the doctor 20 minutes to stitch me back up down there. I was sore down there after the first delivery but felt nothing down there after the second delivery. My son was very sweet to his sister and liked showing her everything and playing with her and talking to her so he basically did my job for me by giving her attention she needed and he would even tell me when she was awake or stinky and he was finally fully potty trained because he wanted to show her how to go potty. He was never jealous. I also told him he was a good brother. He never showed aggression towards her like he did to his peers at school so he had a aid with him and early intervention. He was placed under developmental delay in preschool and then autism when he started kindergarten but he didn't get medically diagnosed until he was 12. He only had educational autism on his IEP and his school felt he needed a medical diagnoses so they can support him more. &#x200B; My son has been a challenge at times and would do anything to get out of doing stuff he doesn't want to do and during Covid it was very tough. he simply didn't want to do school work at home and would pretend he couldn't use a keyboard and purposely mess up and me and my husband had to be contestant and stick with it and not do the work for him. I would take away electronics for the day and he could only get them back if he did remote learning. My husband had him stand in the corner if he didn't do his school work. I also found out he wanted to be a game designer so I told him only way he can be one when he grew up was if he did his school work so he can go to high school and graduate and then go to college. He also wouldn't learn to read so me and my husband refused to read everything in video games for him and we told him if he knew how to read, he would know what it says and we can't be reading everything to him whenever he plays a video game. He learned to read and he finally started doing school work, we had to find a way to get him motivated. He still refused to learn to tie his shoes but we pick our battles, there are lot of shoes that are laceless so we never bothered. If he sees a reason to learn it, he will. I think with me being ND as well, I never had to take classes or take my son to different doctors to figure out how to parent him like mine did. And times have changed so schools get funding now for each ASD kid so they help them now and it makes it easier on the parents. Might depend on the state as well. Where I live, schools get funding. We didn't have this when I was a kid so it was harder for me and my parents had to advocate for me and fight to get them to follow my IEP and had to get an attorney involved and my psychologist. Schools will do anything to save money if there is no funding., I wasn't accepting of the peers or the psychologist that thought i was autistic until after my son was diagnosed so ymmv. However, being his mom has been a huge lesson in self acceptance for me. It was very rough at first. Especially, getting to the diagnosis and not knowing if he'd be verbal or not. He's only 2 1/2 so there's still plenty of unknowns, but in someways he's much easier then nt kids and in some ways he's a lot harder. I hated pregnancy. Childbirth wasn't horrible (i got an epidural), but after pregnancy your body changes a lot and, in my experience, not in a positive way. My husband and i fight, like most husbands and wives, but nothing more than your typical arguments and our marriage is solid. We also both want more kids. If you have anything i didn't cover or want to ask something else, i'll respond as best i can., If you have an enduring support network that can meet you wherever you are, that’s important. Also financial stability. And your partner needs to be fully on board for being a fully autonomous parent. And your space should be sensory affirming. If you’ve already made steps to make it comfy for you, chances are your kids will be similar. Basically, you need to plan for all the same things you would for an NT child. And good news! If you plan your space for a sensory seeking or avoiding child, chances are an NT child will also thrive there. Autism is a developmental disorder and may appear differently in different people, but I have found that within families, a lot of the same traits tend to be passed on. You need to be super aware of your own triggers and have strategies on how to manage them without taking them out on your child. A lot of these strategies work double duty because you can often teach your children how to do them too. Developmentally, it also means that you tend to mature in different ways at different times. When I was in my 20’s, I felt like a teenager in a lot of ways, a kid in some ways, but an adult in others. It was very confusing at the time. When both my kids were diagnosed with autism, I also did some digging and found out that my parents had gotten me diagnosed when I was very young, but decided I would grow out of it if they were just super harsh on me. Spoiler: I am still autistic. I did have to spend a lot of time with them working on controlling their voice level. Both of them went through a very upsetting period of vocal stimming via screaming. That wasn’t great. But with time, they pretty much grew out of it. Both are very creative and thoughtful. They did need ieps in school to help them with speech and occupational therapy, but my eldest has “graduated” from her iep and is nearly completed with her social skills classes. If all goes well, she graduates in a few months from the program entirely, though I have been assured that she can see a nd-affirming therapist for social emotional wellness as needed. All in all, it wasn’t exactly harder to raise autistic kids. It was just harder in certain ways but easier in others when compared to Nt kids. For example, when they were younger, I could get laundry done more easily because they’d just hang out in one place focused on an activity. But at the park, they would literally just run towards danger without even thinking so I had to stay on my toes. Basically, theres always a chance your child will have special needs, so have a plan and a support group are the most important things., It's hard to say if you'd pass down autism. In my case my grandmother on my mom's side has a sister. My grandma had my mom and my aunt ( full sisters) and they function in society as neurotypical, they have never been diagnosed but they are in their 60s and autism wasn't all that known back then if they were functioning in society, but I can tell you my mom definitely might fit into what you would expect a level 1 would be. My mom then had me and my brother who both function in society as neurotypical. My grandmas sister had a level 3 non verbal boy on the spectrum. And now here I am and I have 4 kids and my 3rd child (but first boy) is non communicative and has very little receptive language. So in some people's mind , my situation would suggest autism could have technically jumped 2 generations -skipping my mom, skipping me, and then right to my boy. Its hard to say. I have 4 kids though and my last one it's too early to tell if he has autism yet. So if he doesn't have autism then I have 1/4 kids with autism. He does than I have 2/4. I know this doesn't really give you an answer, but just a little story to help you in your own research!, Hi! Sooo Autism is definitely genetics and just because no one in your family is diagnosed doesn't mean there aren't any! :-) That being said, I was recently diagnosed at 27, I have 2 kids, both of which have autism and are on various degrees of the spectrum. It's a big change in your life and if you do decide to take this step, please make sure you have all the help in the world you can get! Family, friends, counselors, therapists, anybody who can help and think and make the process easier, do so! But also.. Grow a thick skin? Because becoming a mom means following your own gut and trusting yourself which is something I wasn't good at when I first became a mom. But it grows on you! And now I am a pro! Being pregnant was exciting and scary at the same time. I never felt more in touch with my body as when I was pregnant, but then in the end everything gets uncomfortable and its sensory overload 24/7. Giving birth hurts, but is it worth it in the end? Always know your options and research what YOU feel most comfortable with. Not what your mother, boyfriend or next door neighbor wants for your delivery. Also, it can be very intense. Sensory wise it's hell. Raising autistic kids before I knew they were autistic was a battle and I sadly had my 4 year old end up in a burn out. It wasn't until we got her diagnosis and we got the right help and she is now a loud, happy, bright and colorful 7 year old that shows the world who's the boss! If you know you have autism (I didn't at the time.) You are already a step ahead. As soon as your kid starts showing signs you know it's time to get them seen and guide them as best as you would have wanted to be guided at the time! After we learned about our first child's diagnosis we did everything to understand her, help her regulate and help ourselves to stay regulated. Since then, we seldom have melt downs. When it comes to what level of autism your child is going to have it doesn't really matter. For all you know you end up with a neurotypical child that struggles with things too. You will have to learn to navigate when the time comes. The part about understanding why your boyfriend doesn't want to adopt.. I guess preference? But with that situation too.. An adopted child might have trauma. Trauma can be displayed in many ways and that is then a case you will have to learn to navigate. I see your boyfriend has ADHD and you do too. So you know the baby could end up with ADHD as well. I have both ADHD and autism too and I really wouldn't say one is worse than the other. They have a lot of co-morbidities that could make things "more difficult" and it's not so black and white that neurotypical children or another neurotype is easier to deal with than autism. I would like to end with: having babies isn't a bad thing. Having autistic babies isn't a bad thing. Being an autistic mother isn't a bad thing. BUT, you seem worried, and you seem scared and if you were my daughter telling me what you wrote here, I would tell you: don't do it. Atleast? Not now. And if your boyfriend is very "pushy" about wanting kids some day, then please think long and hard if this is the person you want to stay with. Having kids because someone else wants them is ALWAYS a bad idea. And having kids isn't as easy as summing up neurotypes and figuring out how big the chances are of them getting one or the other. Regardless of neurotype, all kids struggle, all kids have hard parts in growing up and all parents go through that. Only you know yourself best if you could handle all the above. ❤️, Not diagnosed but pretty sure I am autistic. My autistic 4.5 year old definitely causes me to get over stimulated frequently. The constant noise is hard. When they get into a very touchy phase and want to crawl all over me and pet me it makes me feel like I'm gonna explode. I unfortunately do sometimes yell when I am at my limit with noises or touching and have to distance myself. Plus side is I understand a good portion of what they are going through with noise sensitivity, textural issues, anger issues because of over stimulation. The different types of therapy has helped me find my own coping skills., I’m ADHD, but not autistic. My daughter is level 1, diagnosed autistic and likely will catch an adhd diagnosis when she turns 4. If I really thought about it prior- my spouse is likely undiagnosed level 1. Even if he had been diagnosed prior to us deciding to have a child, I still think I would have gone ahead and had a kid with him. Now- this is coming from someone with a child that, by the experts guess, is likely to be low support needs. While parenting an autistic child does come with some challenges, my experience is that there is way more I love and enjoy about my daughter than that I find challenging. She is literally the light of my life. I say this as she eats pasta and smears red sauce all over creation. Pasta for dinner is always an awful mess, but it’s a safe food and I can sneak veggies in with it so it stays in the rotation., I’m AuDHD and I have two asd kids and one possibly NT kid. My son is on waitlist to be assessed for adhd. Obviously I am level one and I think my son is level 2 and my daughter level 1.5. I would never know I had asd until I have kids. That explains why I felt like an alien and couldn’t even fit in at school and I barely have any close friends. Women and girls are not diagnosed in the 90’s to 00’s so I missed the radar., There is no history of Autism in my family, so it's not hereditary in my case. But I was an older mom, with gestational diabeties, and a history of MDD and anxiety, and habe two kids with ASD level 1. I would have a conversation with your boyfriend and a genetics counselor or MD. They will explain to you both in layman's terms the likelihood of having a kid with ASD, and that there is no guarentee of what kind of ASD support level that may be., Ya I didn’t know my “quirks” were autism traits till my son was getting diagnosed. He is just a more extreme version of me…. I’m 40 and basically my mom knew there was something but didn’t know what. They tested me every few years and nothing ever materialized. As an adult a dermatologist said I had OCD, went to a psychiatrist and he confirmed I had that, then as I got older my anxiety was getting worse and I was having panic attacks and my doctor asked if I had been tested for ADHD and I said as a kid and she said things have changed. I have severe ADHD which caused issues for the OCD and anxiety. It’s a wicked little cycle that feeds into each other. Been on max dose ADHD meds which got me off the 3 anxiety meds I was on and then I go on and off meds as needed for the OCD. I have always had hyper mobility, if it can be dislocated I’ve done it. I’m clumsy and have always said I was the queen of minor injuries. I get very focused and obsessive on topics and consume nothing but that and only want to talk about it. Friends are hard to make and keep. I’m an extroverted introvert, it’s hard to get me out but then I’m social when out but I can’t socialize properly. I know this but I can’t do it right, it sucks. When my son was getting tested and I was reading up on things A lot was me and he still is just a more extreme version of me. I find it helps me parent him. I don’t get overwhelmed like everyone else when they watch him. It’s like I’m in his head so I know what is going to bother him or what he’s thinking of doing before he does it. I can warn him if I know a sound bothers me and he covers his ears because I know it will bother him. I can see things in a store that I know he will be drawn to and can navigate it. I know what clothing he will or won’t like. I know which blankets he prefers. The only thing he doesn’t trust me fully on yet is foods. I know what he will and won’t like. But he don’t try a lot of things because he is so visual. But he’s learning to trust me, he closes his eyes and takes a nibble but it’s slow going. So for me yes my kid is level 2 non verbal autistic (he turned 4 in December) but being his mom is very easy. Dealing with all his “things” doesn’t affect me the same as others. During his assessments they are always asking how we are doing and how our son is very active and a hand full and it’s fine. He is me and I can handle me. I don’t know how else to explain it., Looks like there's a flood of us who didn't recognize autism in themselves until their kid(s) were diagnosed, I'm in that boat as well. But my kid is friggin awesome. Legitimately the coolest little human I've ever met, all the stuff I got chastised for are the things I love best about her. I love that I can understand her on a level that my parents didn't understand me, and I love giving her the childhood I didn't get. I'm sure I'll make mistakes, I'm sure it will be hard (really fckin hard) at times, but I have zero regrets., All I'm gonna say is that my husband and I are the same kind of Autistic. Our son, isn't. A lot of his stims are our triggers, and it can be very difficult to keep calm., My husband is likely autistic. We are both ADHD. Both of our kids have ADHD and one is autistic. The ADHD is the more brutal one at this point but that’s because our autistic one is still so young and level 1., I don’t think the 80% divorce rate is true, I am not able to find a legit source for that, I don't think being autistic is a bad thing. Autistic people do awesome stuff in life. My kiddos are autistic and they are the best., If you can adopt, that is one other option., Pardon my ignorance but why do we think that autism is genetic or otherwise heritable?, That feeling of never fitting in. Never being understood. Being an outsider. Feeling out of step with everyone. It all makes so much more sense now., Same! So many of my mental health issues are explained by autism., Same. This is why I don’t recommend having kids, really to anyone., Same!, I suppose that makes a lot of sense I’ve definitely spent years talking about this in therapy. I replied to my comment kind of about my childhood but yeah id say some of the things that i was put through definitely still affect me today even though im in a really great place. You seem like an amazing mom your daughter is really lucky to have you, Same! I didn't know I was autistic or get diagnosed until after my son was diagnosed and I noticed a ton of similarities between him and I. He is level 3. But my younger daughter has shown no signs of autism. I think it's just a gamble. But if I had to do it again, I would. My son is absolutely wonderful and I'm not sad about him having autism. Like you said, it's not a deadly disease., I was put in a lot of therapies and medications against my will since as young as 5 years old. Id be seeing specialist after specialist week after week just to try to get me “fixed” where i genuinely hated my mother for the majority of my life and I’ve always resented my family because my siblings are two like golden children and i was used as an “example” a lot. I hated being autistic and hated myself most of my life. My relationship with my mom improved once i started to actively try to heal my trauma and move on from my past and once i was less angry i was kinder to my family and i was lucky enough to have them be receptive to that. Over the past year for the first time in my life i feel like im actually a part of the family. I cant remember the last time there was any kind of conflict or when anyone yelled. But a big part of that was because of my boyfriend. He loves me so much for who i am and has made me see myself in such a positive light and he makes me want to be a better person. We’re moving out together soon too :) sorry for the tangent, I want to, but my boyfriend wants his genes passed down., Autism frequently runs in families and in identical twins I believe autism occurs close to 90% for the other twin if one twin has it. Autism isn't just one thing caused by one gene though so the genetics are complicated. Most studies I have seen put autism at 80% genetics and 20% environmental influences. Also, in some cases ASD can be caused by a de novo mutation not passed down by either parent, but a new mutation in the individuals genes. Many families who have genetic testing done come up with nothing not because they don't have a gene implicated in autism but rather the gene has not been identified yet. All this to say the genetics of autism are very complicated but most research agrees it is strongly genetic. Anecdotally, I realized after my son was diagnosed that I am probably on the spectrum with lower support needs, as are a few other people in my family. From what I read on here this seems pretty common., It’s like you’re reading my mind, I'm a big proponent of processing childhood trauma and making sure you have really strong emotional regulation/ coping skills before having kids. Otherwise, it's very hard not to either perpetuate the same kind of dysfunction or to overcompensate too much in the opposite direction and perpetuate a different kind of dysfunction. It is possible to do things differently and create a healthy family dynamic, but being a cycle breaker is SO HARD, especially if you don't have a supportive family behind you. You don't have to be perfectly regulated at all times, but if you're already struggling with regulation, having kids will make it much, much worse. Speaking from experience here... don't be like me and ignore the trauma and then have a mental breakdown and spend years dissociated and barely making it through the day (covid isolation and being in a dysfunctional relationship also played a part here). I started trauma therapy a year ago, and things are much better now. I'm also getting divorced (hooray!), [deleted], There is a strong genetic component to autism, so there would be an increased likelihood that your children would be autistic. There are also many stories of "lower support needs" parents having "high support needs" children, so that is something you would need to decide if you would be mentally and financially able to deal with. It is far, far from a certainty, but something you need to weigh out. What would happen if you ended up with a child who could never live independently. Is that a deal breaker for you? Is it a deal breaker for your SO? As I said, that is far from a certainty. It's just an increased risk out there. Especially if both you and your partner are ND. My daughter is level 1 and the more we learn about her, the more we grow to believe my husband is undiagnosed level 1 himself (he was diagnosed with a number of learning disabilities in the 90s, but under the modern criteria, we are pretty darn sure he would have been labeled autistic if being evaluated now). His mother is also pretty certain now that her father was looking back on it. Since one of my daughter's cousins on that side is also recently diagnosed, we're pretty darn sure where that came down genetically. That cousin's sister is also diagnosed ADHD, so of all the cousins on that side, we're 3 for 3 being ND. My husband and I personally have decided to be one and done because we don't feel we have the mental capacity to give another child the life they deserve, and we are able to pay for all the different therapies my daughter needs (money would be hella tight if we ended up with two kids needing therapies--especially since there's no guarantee a second wouldn't potentially have more issues. They could be NT of course, but we want to be able to provide the best we can for our daughter and don't want to gamble on that). When it comes to parenting, you can never know what you're going to come up against. My friends just lost their daughter to a heart defect that was just a fluke of nature. It happens. But you need to weigh your own personal abilities against the different likelihoods., >I remember not even just as a kid but well into my teen years i was so abusive to my mom. Id scream id yell at her saying i hate her. My siblings resented me for most of their lives because i could never handle being out for long and wed have to leave things early and I was always having loud sometimes violent meltdowns. I was constantly having problems with the school and peers and behavioral issues both at school and home. Id lash out all of the time and I was honestly miserable myself. I pretty much sucked the life out of my family and sometimes i think about how easier their lives wouldve been if it were just them and my neurotypical siblings. I really do not want to be in the position my mom was in. I have a great relationship with my family now and I don’t blame them cause everyone has their limits. I can't tell you whether or not you should have kids, but it really sounds like you would benefit a lot from trauma therapy. Your "constant behavioural problems" are what happens when a person has a chronically dysregulated nervous system. Years of chronic dysregulation causes trauma, even when nothing obviously "Traumatic" happened during that time. Being in a chronic state of fight or flight, not having the skills or resources to get out of it (because you were a child) and feeling like an outsider in your own family is real trauma. My older kid reminds me a lot of my older brother who sounds similar to you as a child, but possibly more violent and abusive towards his siblings. Once I realized she was autistic (at 2.5), I was absolutely terrified of every horrible thing that happened in my childhood repeating itself. She's only 5.5 now and she's the sweetest kid! She has a ton of anxiety and sometimes has bad meltdowns, but life is so much better and easier than I thought it would be, considering how bad my childhood was. I parent very differently than my parents and I focus on connection and regulation. My kids are thriving., Generally speaking, anything goes when you decide to have kids. Your child might not have autism but could still be neurodivergent with its own set of challenges. Or they could have medical issues that are hard. Or they could be “perfect” and get into an accident later on in life and you have to take care of them long term. Nobody knows unfortunately. Having a kid is stressful. Having a child with additional needs is usually more stressful. You definitely need to be 100% onboard with it., I think a geneticist can help determine your risk factor. Pregnancy and childbirth is doable. The parts you can control and help are to take good care of your health and find good medical care. (US). If there’s a good chance of having a child with ADHD or Autism, absolutely pay attention to the school system where you plan to live after your child is 3yrs. Prior to age 3yr it’s early intervention for any help which usually is county determined. Every child and every parent is different, I don’t think anyone can really prepare you. One thing that does help with parenting are things like babysitting or learning about child development., My dad was autistic. He was never diagnosed, as no one knew what autism even was back then, but when my daughter was diagnosed in the 90s (and diagnosing was still pretty new then, especially for girls), it all became clear to me. My youngest brother is likely autistic too. Maybe my oldest. I wonder if knowing when I was younger would have helped. Dad was a great guy, big heart, giving, but had some really difficult unusual behaviors that were way, way different from other dads, for sure. He sometimes drove others crazy and had pretty much no friends, but I don't think many people actively disliked him, because he was such a good guy. And he was smart. He could fix anything, and kids would bring him their bikes, toys, lawnmowers, even cars, and he'd just do it. Gratefully. Happy to help! I remember a friend parked her car in our drive once when she visited me, and when she came out my dad tells her, "I saw you needed your oil changed. I took care of it for you." Every Halloween he'd make batches of his famous fudge and everyone knew to come to his house to get it (50 years later I'd have people mention that to me). He was a good dad. I have 4 siblings. All 5 of us have an autistic child. So yeah, it's hereditary. They're all high functioning. Just like anyone thinking of having kids, consider yourself, your partner, and your resources, and that's what you use to make the decision. Can you care for a child? Do you want to? It's a forever job. Will you love them? Can you reasonably afford them? Good luck., Chances are you are not the only autistic person in your family even though some may be undiagnosed. No one, not even a geneticist can predict the chance of you having an autistic child because autism is very heterogenous. I think you should have a child if you want to have a child. Are you planning to marry/have children with your boyfriend in the very near future? Your boyfriend may want to volunteer with autistic children to get an idea of the different ways autism can look. I always tell my friends that don’t have children to open their mind because you don’t know what kind of child you will have. A diagnosed autistic person should procreate with the mindset, “I’d be okay if my child had autism” because there’s a very real chance it could occur., I’m autistic and have two children. One is autistic, one is not. If you want to have children then have them. Autism is not a deadly disease. Everything is genetic, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, heart disease, breast cancer. But we do not stop or dissuade women with a familial history of breast cancer or heart disease from having kids. Best of luck to you., You're not an ass for asking! If I had known I was likely ASD I would have been asking the same questions. My son is 3 and level 3 and non verbal but he is making progress so I don't think he will stay that way. It's emotionally really hard because I feel like I passed my autism on and it effects my son more significantly. With that said my son is a delightful boy with minimal behaviors who I love very much. For me, it's not his ASD day to day that makes things hard but it is the worry about his future, services, schools etc. I struggle significantly with anxiety. I think you have to make the decision that feels right for you ultimately but I think it's very responsible to ask these questions. I wish I had been able to do the same. I also would have felt better if I knew it was a possibility opposed to it being a complete shock., My son (ASD lvl 1) is the only one on either side of our families that is diagnosed. There might be undiagnosed ADHD but no one with autism. I have another NT toddler and am pregnant with number 3. I can only comment on how it impacts a marriage, for us it’s brought us closer, we are a team and we will do anything for our little guy. If he was high needs I’m sure that would put additional strain on a relationship. I would speak to your bf and ensure you are on the same page on how you would parent and support a child with ASD, there is no telling what level of support they may require etc. As parents we just don’t want our children’s lives to be harder than necessary, we just want them to be happy. That being said many NT people can still struggle with mental health or addiction, there is no guarantee our children will not face certain hardships. So in my eyes, yes the challenges of our NT and ASD children will be different, it doesn’t change the fact we will support them both in the best ways we can., Counter question, you say you were always lashing out and abusive to your mom. When and why did it stop?, There are no studies. That being said, my husband sees a therapist through "my autistic therpist" and she runs a coaching support group for autistic parents (as in you have ASD and you have kids). The fee is pretty nominal and might help with some of your fears. The coaching is available worldwide. My husband's therapist is autistic herself and has kids and is married, so her perspective is very authentic. About the divorce rate, also know that asd divorce rates (where a spouse has asd) is also 80 percent regardless of having kids, so just know that's there too. In my marriage my asd spouse's executive dysfunction and alexithymia are huge issues...and I say that as someone with adhd who understands executive dysfunction. I'd really recommend all books by John gottman to you. He explains exactly what's expected in a marital relationship at a level thats helpful for people with alexithymia. My asd husband just didn't understand a lot....and didn't seek out solutions. He just melted down and got defensive, which isn't an appropriate when your partner expresses a need or feeling...so i do feel like untreated asd alone is a huge marital issue. That being said, it's simply a matter of treating your own symptoms well to be successful with both, so with both parenting and marriage it's definitely worthwhile to get a handle on all your symptoms and use all the resources out there to the fullest extent you can (DBT, coaching, aba, apps for executive dysfunction, a planner, a white board etc)., A documentary I just watched with my autistic kid that I'd highly recommend if you want a bit of a look at becoming an autistic parent together with an allistic parent is Expecting Amy. Granted, the autistic parent in this scenario isn't the one pregnant, but it goes pretty in-depth with how this couple deals with a very difficult pregnancy with one of the parents being autistic and getting diagnosed in the middle of the pregnancy as well., Undiagnosed autistic mom of 2 kids (one diagnosed, one not) here. My SO is classically on the spectrum, also undiagnosed. I would say that kids were a net positive for our family, but the first 4 years were bloody HARD and resource expensive. There's some stuff like early intervention that's available free from the state, but kids generally need more than the bare minimum of therapy they offer. Our marriage is solid, but I will say that things could have gone A LOT worse if we still drank like we did before the kids (both SO and I went sober at the first pregnancy.) If you are in a position where your mental and financial health is such that you can swing the care of a baby alone, go for it. When you think about it, it's as basic as survival of the fittest. If you are holding your own in adulthood as an autistic person, chances are, your kid will too. They also have a high chance of being ASD. Which isn't inherently a bad thing. My SO is the most brilliant, hard working and ethical person I know, if our kids turn out anything like him, the world will be a better place for it., I think if you don’t know where the desire to have biological children comes from you should start with those feelings. If you’re on the fence about that you might want to see a therapist and work through what your actual feelings are about having children regardless of whether they are NT or ND., I don’t mean to simplify this too much, but aside from the concern of passing on ASD, which idk has been proven to be genetic, you really need to decide if having a kid is really something you even want. Your post seems to lean towards not, more so than yes. And that’s perfectly okay bc parenthood isn’t for everyone. I have plenty of friends that have chosen to live their lives without being a parent, but if that’s your true desire, you just need to be upfront with your partner. There may be consequences to that decision, but becoming a parent can have consequences that you don’t want either. Parenthood can be great, and it can also be hell. Anyone that tells you it’s all roses isn’t being honest with you or themselves. Parenting is hard with or without a child with ASD. It can be physically and mentally exhausting, and it’s a huge financial burden for those without sufficient medical coverage and finances. I’m not saying this to scare you, simply being realistic. I have three kids and live them all to death. My middle is ASD and was extremely challenging in the early years, but now he’s doing well. My youngest, not ASD, is an absolute handful most days and constantly challenges her mother and I. There aren’t ASD kids and non-ASD kids, they’re all just kids that come with any random assortment of personalities. I truly hope you find the answers you came here looking for and make the best choice for you. Best of luck!, I say this lovingly as a 49 year old mom of 6, with a son with level 3 autism. If having a child like Cash would be your worst nightmare, don't have kids. You have no control over what child you may have and once you have a child you can't "un have" them. So, until you are at peace about fully accepting and embracing whatever kind of child you have, challenges and all, don't have a child. Although Cash is an extreme case and none of us know much about his true history or what is really going on, I have worked with quite a few kiddos who rival Cash's intensity. It is uncommon, but not THAT uncommon. Here is the advice I gave my daughters, who are right around your age: Never have a child because your man wants one. There is a good chance that you will carry the bulk of the mental and physical load with any child you have. Only have a child if you are prepared to do everything for that child. You never know what kind of parent someone will be until they become one. Before you conceive anyone, please sit and think about whether you are ready for the level of selflessness parenting requires and how you will feel if you have to do it yourself. Even if your boyfriend is the most wonderful person in the world right now, that doesn't mean it is going to translate into being willing to share parenting responsibilities in a way that feels equitable to you. It doesn't matter if he loves kids, if kids love him, if he adores baby animals, etc. There is no experience that can adequately prepare you for becoming a parent. It is quite a ride! Believe it or not, I love being a parent. I have been a parent for 30 years. But I can't sit here and not be honest with you. Parenting is the hardest job you will ever do. It is also the best, in my opinion. But hard. I just want to make sure that you make the decision to have children because you truly want to have children and that you go in without expectation. Read these threads and see how many people say things like "this isn't how I imagined my life would be". That is some deep sadness., The fact is we don't know. We know there is a strong genetic component, but there are also tons of cases where its seemingly not genetic. You can get genetic testing, but there are only a handful of identified mutations that have positively been linked. That is your best bet, and yet you are likely to just get a shrug. All four of our children are autistic. We are 99% sure it came from my wife. She herself got diagnosed level 1 ASD last year. With our experience now and all that we've learned we are 99% certain her father is autistic as well. I'm sure undiagnosed cases are rampant in his family. But the genetic testing points to two mutations inherited from her that are "not statistically significant". If we had known all this prior to having children, we really would not know if she would have passed it on. Are either of your parents autistic? Or even suspected? If not, then even if it is genetic it seems not to be dominant and who the heck knows., I was diagnosed with Asperger's as a kid and I was also aggressive and my mom fixed that fast in me at age 16 when she told me I could no longer live at home if I make the whole house unsafe. No more me being aggressive ever. It's a matter of why kids with autism are aggressive and why they do it and if they do that only at home or everywhere. If only at home, let's not make the home safe place for them to be aggressive or they will be sent away or arrested for assault or they lose privileges. I have a son with ASD lv 1 which would have been AS if that were still a diagnoses. He isn't aggressive and would get into trouble if he tried. I never made my home a safe place for him to be aggressive and he knows this. If he got aggressive because he got angry I would tell him it's okay to be upset and angry and he is entitled to his feelings but he has no right to abuse us and the house and the furniture and he will lose his video games if he gets abusive. I tell him he can beat a pillow or a stuffed animal but no throwing. I totally get it, he gets overloaded with negative feelings so he acts out so I did the same too and I just have emotional outbursts than aggression. I had lot of it as a teen so I acted out aggressively and my family wasn't helping. They just basically abandoned me emotionally and made it all be my fault for my feelings and all they did was make my anxiety worse so I had more behavior. But I didn't dare to do it at school and I only had outbursts than aggression. My son has them at school too and has flipped over a table or chair knowing you can't break those and no one is going to get hurt if he turns it over. He just gets sent out to the pod where he can calm down. Just as long as my son has his dad's phone or uses mine, he is okay in public. Same as on long car rides. He also has ADHD. First pregnancy was easy for me and the second one was difficult. He was easy in my pregnancy but I went through 8 hrs of labor and I had an epidural and gave vaginal birth but it took me 45 minutes of pushing for him to come out. Second one, my daughter pushed on my organs and rib cage and labor contractions where sharper and she came so fast, I was not able to have an epidural so I have a natural delivery and pushed her out in like 15 seconds but had 3rd degree tear. I didn't even feel her come out, I only felt intense pressure down there. It took the doctor 20 minutes to stitch me back up down there. I was sore down there after the first delivery but felt nothing down there after the second delivery. My son was very sweet to his sister and liked showing her everything and playing with her and talking to her so he basically did my job for me by giving her attention she needed and he would even tell me when she was awake or stinky and he was finally fully potty trained because he wanted to show her how to go potty. He was never jealous. I also told him he was a good brother. He never showed aggression towards her like he did to his peers at school so he had a aid with him and early intervention. He was placed under developmental delay in preschool and then autism when he started kindergarten but he didn't get medically diagnosed until he was 12. He only had educational autism on his IEP and his school felt he needed a medical diagnoses so they can support him more. &#x200B; My son has been a challenge at times and would do anything to get out of doing stuff he doesn't want to do and during Covid it was very tough. he simply didn't want to do school work at home and would pretend he couldn't use a keyboard and purposely mess up and me and my husband had to be contestant and stick with it and not do the work for him. I would take away electronics for the day and he could only get them back if he did remote learning. My husband had him stand in the corner if he didn't do his school work. I also found out he wanted to be a game designer so I told him only way he can be one when he grew up was if he did his school work so he can go to high school and graduate and then go to college. He also wouldn't learn to read so me and my husband refused to read everything in video games for him and we told him if he knew how to read, he would know what it says and we can't be reading everything to him whenever he plays a video game. He learned to read and he finally started doing school work, we had to find a way to get him motivated. He still refused to learn to tie his shoes but we pick our battles, there are lot of shoes that are laceless so we never bothered. If he sees a reason to learn it, he will. I think with me being ND as well, I never had to take classes or take my son to different doctors to figure out how to parent him like mine did. And times have changed so schools get funding now for each ASD kid so they help them now and it makes it easier on the parents. Might depend on the state as well. Where I live, schools get funding. We didn't have this when I was a kid so it was harder for me and my parents had to advocate for me and fight to get them to follow my IEP and had to get an attorney involved and my psychologist. Schools will do anything to save money if there is no funding., I wasn't accepting of the peers or the psychologist that thought i was autistic until after my son was diagnosed so ymmv. However, being his mom has been a huge lesson in self acceptance for me. It was very rough at first. Especially, getting to the diagnosis and not knowing if he'd be verbal or not. He's only 2 1/2 so there's still plenty of unknowns, but in someways he's much easier then nt kids and in some ways he's a lot harder. I hated pregnancy. Childbirth wasn't horrible (i got an epidural), but after pregnancy your body changes a lot and, in my experience, not in a positive way. My husband and i fight, like most husbands and wives, but nothing more than your typical arguments and our marriage is solid. We also both want more kids. If you have anything i didn't cover or want to ask something else, i'll respond as best i can., If you have an enduring support network that can meet you wherever you are, that’s important. Also financial stability. And your partner needs to be fully on board for being a fully autonomous parent. And your space should be sensory affirming. If you’ve already made steps to make it comfy for you, chances are your kids will be similar. Basically, you need to plan for all the same things you would for an NT child. And good news! If you plan your space for a sensory seeking or avoiding child, chances are an NT child will also thrive there. Autism is a developmental disorder and may appear differently in different people, but I have found that within families, a lot of the same traits tend to be passed on. You need to be super aware of your own triggers and have strategies on how to manage them without taking them out on your child. A lot of these strategies work double duty because you can often teach your children how to do them too. Developmentally, it also means that you tend to mature in different ways at different times. When I was in my 20’s, I felt like a teenager in a lot of ways, a kid in some ways, but an adult in others. It was very confusing at the time. When both my kids were diagnosed with autism, I also did some digging and found out that my parents had gotten me diagnosed when I was very young, but decided I would grow out of it if they were just super harsh on me. Spoiler: I am still autistic. I did have to spend a lot of time with them working on controlling their voice level. Both of them went through a very upsetting period of vocal stimming via screaming. That wasn’t great. But with time, they pretty much grew out of it. Both are very creative and thoughtful. They did need ieps in school to help them with speech and occupational therapy, but my eldest has “graduated” from her iep and is nearly completed with her social skills classes. If all goes well, she graduates in a few months from the program entirely, though I have been assured that she can see a nd-affirming therapist for social emotional wellness as needed. All in all, it wasn’t exactly harder to raise autistic kids. It was just harder in certain ways but easier in others when compared to Nt kids. For example, when they were younger, I could get laundry done more easily because they’d just hang out in one place focused on an activity. But at the park, they would literally just run towards danger without even thinking so I had to stay on my toes. Basically, theres always a chance your child will have special needs, so have a plan and a support group are the most important things., It's hard to say if you'd pass down autism. In my case my grandmother on my mom's side has a sister. My grandma had my mom and my aunt ( full sisters) and they function in society as neurotypical, they have never been diagnosed but they are in their 60s and autism wasn't all that known back then if they were functioning in society, but I can tell you my mom definitely might fit into what you would expect a level 1 would be. My mom then had me and my brother who both function in society as neurotypical. My grandmas sister had a level 3 non verbal boy on the spectrum. And now here I am and I have 4 kids and my 3rd child (but first boy) is non communicative and has very little receptive language. So in some people's mind , my situation would suggest autism could have technically jumped 2 generations -skipping my mom, skipping me, and then right to my boy. Its hard to say. I have 4 kids though and my last one it's too early to tell if he has autism yet. So if he doesn't have autism then I have 1/4 kids with autism. He does than I have 2/4. I know this doesn't really give you an answer, but just a little story to help you in your own research!, Hi! Sooo Autism is definitely genetics and just because no one in your family is diagnosed doesn't mean there aren't any! :-) That being said, I was recently diagnosed at 27, I have 2 kids, both of which have autism and are on various degrees of the spectrum. It's a big change in your life and if you do decide to take this step, please make sure you have all the help in the world you can get! Family, friends, counselors, therapists, anybody who can help and think and make the process easier, do so! But also.. Grow a thick skin? Because becoming a mom means following your own gut and trusting yourself which is something I wasn't good at when I first became a mom. But it grows on you! And now I am a pro! Being pregnant was exciting and scary at the same time. I never felt more in touch with my body as when I was pregnant, but then in the end everything gets uncomfortable and its sensory overload 24/7. Giving birth hurts, but is it worth it in the end? Always know your options and research what YOU feel most comfortable with. Not what your mother, boyfriend or next door neighbor wants for your delivery. Also, it can be very intense. Sensory wise it's hell. Raising autistic kids before I knew they were autistic was a battle and I sadly had my 4 year old end up in a burn out. It wasn't until we got her diagnosis and we got the right help and she is now a loud, happy, bright and colorful 7 year old that shows the world who's the boss! If you know you have autism (I didn't at the time.) You are already a step ahead. As soon as your kid starts showing signs you know it's time to get them seen and guide them as best as you would have wanted to be guided at the time! After we learned about our first child's diagnosis we did everything to understand her, help her regulate and help ourselves to stay regulated. Since then, we seldom have melt downs. When it comes to what level of autism your child is going to have it doesn't really matter. For all you know you end up with a neurotypical child that struggles with things too. You will have to learn to navigate when the time comes. The part about understanding why your boyfriend doesn't want to adopt.. I guess preference? But with that situation too.. An adopted child might have trauma. Trauma can be displayed in many ways and that is then a case you will have to learn to navigate. I see your boyfriend has ADHD and you do too. So you know the baby could end up with ADHD as well. I have both ADHD and autism too and I really wouldn't say one is worse than the other. They have a lot of co-morbidities that could make things "more difficult" and it's not so black and white that neurotypical children or another neurotype is easier to deal with than autism. I would like to end with: having babies isn't a bad thing. Having autistic babies isn't a bad thing. Being an autistic mother isn't a bad thing. BUT, you seem worried, and you seem scared and if you were my daughter telling me what you wrote here, I would tell you: don't do it. Atleast? Not now. And if your boyfriend is very "pushy" about wanting kids some day, then please think long and hard if this is the person you want to stay with. Having kids because someone else wants them is ALWAYS a bad idea. And having kids isn't as easy as summing up neurotypes and figuring out how big the chances are of them getting one or the other. Regardless of neurotype, all kids struggle, all kids have hard parts in growing up and all parents go through that. Only you know yourself best if you could handle all the above. ❤️, Not diagnosed but pretty sure I am autistic. My autistic 4.5 year old definitely causes me to get over stimulated frequently. The constant noise is hard. When they get into a very touchy phase and want to crawl all over me and pet me it makes me feel like I'm gonna explode. I unfortunately do sometimes yell when I am at my limit with noises or touching and have to distance myself. Plus side is I understand a good portion of what they are going through with noise sensitivity, textural issues, anger issues because of over stimulation. The different types of therapy has helped me find my own coping skills., I’m ADHD, but not autistic. My daughter is level 1, diagnosed autistic and likely will catch an adhd diagnosis when she turns 4. If I really thought about it prior- my spouse is likely undiagnosed level 1. Even if he had been diagnosed prior to us deciding to have a child, I still think I would have gone ahead and had a kid with him. Now- this is coming from someone with a child that, by the experts guess, is likely to be low support needs. While parenting an autistic child does come with some challenges, my experience is that there is way more I love and enjoy about my daughter than that I find challenging. She is literally the light of my life. I say this as she eats pasta and smears red sauce all over creation. Pasta for dinner is always an awful mess, but it’s a safe food and I can sneak veggies in with it so it stays in the rotation., I’m AuDHD and I have two asd kids and one possibly NT kid. My son is on waitlist to be assessed for adhd. Obviously I am level one and I think my son is level 2 and my daughter level 1.5. I would never know I had asd until I have kids. That explains why I felt like an alien and couldn’t even fit in at school and I barely have any close friends. Women and girls are not diagnosed in the 90’s to 00’s so I missed the radar., There is no history of Autism in my family, so it's not hereditary in my case. But I was an older mom, with gestational diabeties, and a history of MDD and anxiety, and habe two kids with ASD level 1. I would have a conversation with your boyfriend and a genetics counselor or MD. They will explain to you both in layman's terms the likelihood of having a kid with ASD, and that there is no guarentee of what kind of ASD support level that may be., Ya I didn’t know my “quirks” were autism traits till my son was getting diagnosed. He is just a more extreme version of me…. I’m 40 and basically my mom knew there was something but didn’t know what. They tested me every few years and nothing ever materialized. As an adult a dermatologist said I had OCD, went to a psychiatrist and he confirmed I had that, then as I got older my anxiety was getting worse and I was having panic attacks and my doctor asked if I had been tested for ADHD and I said as a kid and she said things have changed. I have severe ADHD which caused issues for the OCD and anxiety. It’s a wicked little cycle that feeds into each other. Been on max dose ADHD meds which got me off the 3 anxiety meds I was on and then I go on and off meds as needed for the OCD. I have always had hyper mobility, if it can be dislocated I’ve done it. I’m clumsy and have always said I was the queen of minor injuries. I get very focused and obsessive on topics and consume nothing but that and only want to talk about it. Friends are hard to make and keep. I’m an extroverted introvert, it’s hard to get me out but then I’m social when out but I can’t socialize properly. I know this but I can’t do it right, it sucks. When my son was getting tested and I was reading up on things A lot was me and he still is just a more extreme version of me. I find it helps me parent him. I don’t get overwhelmed like everyone else when they watch him. It’s like I’m in his head so I know what is going to bother him or what he’s thinking of doing before he does it. I can warn him if I know a sound bothers me and he covers his ears because I know it will bother him. I can see things in a store that I know he will be drawn to and can navigate it. I know what clothing he will or won’t like. I know which blankets he prefers. The only thing he doesn’t trust me fully on yet is foods. I know what he will and won’t like. But he don’t try a lot of things because he is so visual. But he’s learning to trust me, he closes his eyes and takes a nibble but it’s slow going. So for me yes my kid is level 2 non verbal autistic (he turned 4 in December) but being his mom is very easy. Dealing with all his “things” doesn’t affect me the same as others. During his assessments they are always asking how we are doing and how our son is very active and a hand full and it’s fine. He is me and I can handle me. I don’t know how else to explain it., Looks like there's a flood of us who didn't recognize autism in themselves until their kid(s) were diagnosed, I'm in that boat as well. But my kid is friggin awesome. Legitimately the coolest little human I've ever met, all the stuff I got chastised for are the things I love best about her. I love that I can understand her on a level that my parents didn't understand me, and I love giving her the childhood I didn't get. I'm sure I'll make mistakes, I'm sure it will be hard (really fckin hard) at times, but I have zero regrets., All I'm gonna say is that my husband and I are the same kind of Autistic. Our son, isn't. A lot of his stims are our triggers, and it can be very difficult to keep calm., My husband is likely autistic. We are both ADHD. Both of our kids have ADHD and one is autistic. The ADHD is the more brutal one at this point but that’s because our autistic one is still so young and level 1., I don’t think the 80% divorce rate is true, I am not able to find a legit source for that, I don't think being autistic is a bad thing. Autistic people do awesome stuff in life. My kiddos are autistic and they are the best., If you can adopt, that is one other option., Pardon my ignorance but why do we think that autism is genetic or otherwise heritable?, That feeling of never fitting in. Never being understood. Being an outsider. Feeling out of step with everyone. It all makes so much more sense now., Same! So many of my mental health issues are explained by autism., Same. This is why I don’t recommend having kids, really to anyone., Same!, I suppose that makes a lot of sense I’ve definitely spent years talking about this in therapy. I replied to my comment kind of about my childhood but yeah id say some of the things that i was put through definitely still affect me today even though im in a really great place. You seem like an amazing mom your daughter is really lucky to have you, Same! I didn't know I was autistic or get diagnosed until after my son was diagnosed and I noticed a ton of similarities between him and I. He is level 3. But my younger daughter has shown no signs of autism. I think it's just a gamble. But if I had to do it again, I would. My son is absolutely wonderful and I'm not sad about him having autism. Like you said, it's not a deadly disease., I was put in a lot of therapies and medications against my will since as young as 5 years old. Id be seeing specialist after specialist week after week just to try to get me “fixed” where i genuinely hated my mother for the majority of my life and I’ve always resented my family because my siblings are two like golden children and i was used as an “example” a lot. I hated being autistic and hated myself most of my life. My relationship with my mom improved once i started to actively try to heal my trauma and move on from my past and once i was less angry i was kinder to my family and i was lucky enough to have them be receptive to that. Over the past year for the first time in my life i feel like im actually a part of the family. I cant remember the last time there was any kind of conflict or when anyone yelled. But a big part of that was because of my boyfriend. He loves me so much for who i am and has made me see myself in such a positive light and he makes me want to be a better person. We’re moving out together soon too :) sorry for the tangent, I want to, but my boyfriend wants his genes passed down., Autism frequently runs in families and in identical twins I believe autism occurs close to 90% for the other twin if one twin has it. Autism isn't just one thing caused by one gene though so the genetics are complicated. Most studies I have seen put autism at 80% genetics and 20% environmental influences. Also, in some cases ASD can be caused by a de novo mutation not passed down by either parent, but a new mutation in the individuals genes. Many families who have genetic testing done come up with nothing not because they don't have a gene implicated in autism but rather the gene has not been identified yet. All this to say the genetics of autism are very complicated but most research agrees it is strongly genetic. Anecdotally, I realized after my son was diagnosed that I am probably on the spectrum with lower support needs, as are a few other people in my family. From what I read on here this seems pretty common., It’s like you’re reading my mind, I'm a big proponent of processing childhood trauma and making sure you have really strong emotional regulation/ coping skills before having kids. Otherwise, it's very hard not to either perpetuate the same kind of dysfunction or to overcompensate too much in the opposite direction and perpetuate a different kind of dysfunction. It is possible to do things differently and create a healthy family dynamic, but being a cycle breaker is SO HARD, especially if you don't have a supportive family behind you. You don't have to be perfectly regulated at all times, but if you're already struggling with regulation, having kids will make it much, much worse. Speaking from experience here... don't be like me and ignore the trauma and then have a mental breakdown and spend years dissociated and barely making it through the day (covid isolation and being in a dysfunctional relationship also played a part here). I started trauma therapy a year ago, and things are much better now. I'm also getting divorced (hooray!), [deleted], There is a strong genetic component to autism, so there would be an increased likelihood that your children would be autistic. There are also many stories of "lower support needs" parents having "high support needs" children, so that is something you would need to decide if you would be mentally and financially able to deal with. It is far, far from a certainty, but something you need to weigh out. What would happen if you ended up with a child who could never live independently. Is that a deal breaker for you? Is it a deal breaker for your SO? As I said, that is far from a certainty. It's just an increased risk out there. Especially if both you and your partner are ND. My daughter is level 1 and the more we learn about her, the more we grow to believe my husband is undiagnosed level 1 himself (he was diagnosed with a number of learning disabilities in the 90s, but under the modern criteria, we are pretty darn sure he would have been labeled autistic if being evaluated now). His mother is also pretty certain now that her father was looking back on it. Since one of my daughter's cousins on that side is also recently diagnosed, we're pretty darn sure where that came down genetically. That cousin's sister is also diagnosed ADHD, so of all the cousins on that side, we're 3 for 3 being ND. My husband and I personally have decided to be one and done because we don't feel we have the mental capacity to give another child the life they deserve, and we are able to pay for all the different therapies my daughter needs (money would be hella tight if we ended up with two kids needing therapies--especially since there's no guarantee a second wouldn't potentially have more issues. They could be NT of course, but we want to be able to provide the best we can for our daughter and don't want to gamble on that). When it comes to parenting, you can never know what you're going to come up against. My friends just lost their daughter to a heart defect that was just a fluke of nature. It happens. But you need to weigh your own personal abilities against the different likelihoods., >I remember not even just as a kid but well into my teen years i was so abusive to my mom. Id scream id yell at her saying i hate her. My siblings resented me for most of their lives because i could never handle being out for long and wed have to leave things early and I was always having loud sometimes violent meltdowns. I was constantly having problems with the school and peers and behavioral issues both at school and home. Id lash out all of the time and I was honestly miserable myself. I pretty much sucked the life out of my family and sometimes i think about how easier their lives wouldve been if it were just them and my neurotypical siblings. I really do not want to be in the position my mom was in. I have a great relationship with my family now and I don’t blame them cause everyone has their limits. I can't tell you whether or not you should have kids, but it really sounds like you would benefit a lot from trauma therapy. Your "constant behavioural problems" are what happens when a person has a chronically dysregulated nervous system. Years of chronic dysregulation causes trauma, even when nothing obviously "Traumatic" happened during that time. Being in a chronic state of fight or flight, not having the skills or resources to get out of it (because you were a child) and feeling like an outsider in your own family is real trauma. My older kid reminds me a lot of my older brother who sounds similar to you as a child, but possibly more violent and abusive towards his siblings. Once I realized she was autistic (at 2.5), I was absolutely terrified of every horrible thing that happened in my childhood repeating itself. She's only 5.5 now and she's the sweetest kid! She has a ton of anxiety and sometimes has bad meltdowns, but life is so much better and easier than I thought it would be, considering how bad my childhood was. I parent very differently than my parents and I focus on connection and regulation. My kids are thriving., Generally speaking, anything goes when you decide to have kids. Your child might not have autism but could still be neurodivergent with its own set of challenges. Or they could have medical issues that are hard. Or they could be “perfect” and get into an accident later on in life and you have to take care of them long term. Nobody knows unfortunately. Having a kid is stressful. Having a child with additional needs is usually more stressful. You definitely need to be 100% onboard with it., I think a geneticist can help determine your risk factor. Pregnancy and childbirth is doable. The parts you can control and help are to take good care of your health and find good medical care. (US). If there’s a good chance of having a child with ADHD or Autism, absolutely pay attention to the school system where you plan to live after your child is 3yrs. Prior to age 3yr it’s early intervention for any help which usually is county determined. Every child and every parent is different, I don’t think anyone can really prepare you. One thing that does help with parenting are things like babysitting or learning about child development., My dad was autistic. He was never diagnosed, as no one knew what autism even was back then, but when my daughter was diagnosed in the 90s (and diagnosing was still pretty new then, especially for girls), it all became clear to me. My youngest brother is likely autistic too. Maybe my oldest. I wonder if knowing when I was younger would have helped. Dad was a great guy, big heart, giving, but had some really difficult unusual behaviors that were way, way different from other dads, for sure. He sometimes drove others crazy and had pretty much no friends, but I don't think many people actively disliked him, because he was such a good guy. And he was smart. He could fix anything, and kids would bring him their bikes, toys, lawnmowers, even cars, and he'd just do it. Gratefully. Happy to help! I remember a friend parked her car in our drive once when she visited me, and when she came out my dad tells her, "I saw you needed your oil changed. I took care of it for you." Every Halloween he'd make batches of his famous fudge and everyone knew to come to his house to get it (50 years later I'd have people mention that to me). He was a good dad. I have 4 siblings. All 5 of us have an autistic child. So yeah, it's hereditary. They're all high functioning. Just like anyone thinking of having kids, consider yourself, your partner, and your resources, and that's what you use to make the decision. Can you care for a child? Do you want to? It's a forever job. Will you love them? Can you reasonably afford them? Good luck., Chances are you are not the only autistic person in your family even though some may be undiagnosed. No one, not even a geneticist can predict the chance of you having an autistic child because autism is very heterogenous. I think you should have a child if you want to have a child. Are you planning to marry/have children with your boyfriend in the very near future? Your boyfriend may want to volunteer with autistic children to get an idea of the different ways autism can look. I always tell my friends that don’t have children to open their mind because you don’t know what kind of child you will have. A diagnosed autistic person should procreate with the mindset, “I’d be okay if my child had autism” because there’s a very real chance it could occur., I’m autistic and have two children. One is autistic, one is not. If you want to have children then have them. Autism is not a deadly disease. Everything is genetic, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, heart disease, breast cancer. But we do not stop or dissuade women with a familial history of breast cancer or heart disease from having kids. Best of luck to you., You're not an ass for asking! If I had known I was likely ASD I would have been asking the same questions. My son is 3 and level 3 and non verbal but he is making progress so I don't think he will stay that way. It's emotionally really hard because I feel like I passed my autism on and it effects my son more significantly. With that said my son is a delightful boy with minimal behaviors who I love very much. For me, it's not his ASD day to day that makes things hard but it is the worry about his future, services, schools etc. I struggle significantly with anxiety. I think you have to make the decision that feels right for you ultimately but I think it's very responsible to ask these questions. I wish I had been able to do the same. I also would have felt better if I knew it was a possibility opposed to it being a complete shock., My son (ASD lvl 1) is the only one on either side of our families that is diagnosed. There might be undiagnosed ADHD but no one with autism. I have another NT toddler and am pregnant with number 3. I can only comment on how it impacts a marriage, for us it’s brought us closer, we are a team and we will do anything for our little guy. If he was high needs I’m sure that would put additional strain on a relationship. I would speak to your bf and ensure you are on the same page on how you would parent and support a child with ASD, there is no telling what level of support they may require etc. As parents we just don’t want our children’s lives to be harder than necessary, we just want them to be happy. That being said many NT people can still struggle with mental health or addiction, there is no guarantee our children will not face certain hardships. So in my eyes, yes the challenges of our NT and ASD children will be different, it doesn’t change the fact we will support them both in the best ways we can., Counter question, you say you were always lashing out and abusive to your mom. When and why did it stop?, There are no studies. That being said, my husband sees a therapist through "my autistic therpist" and she runs a coaching support group for autistic parents (as in you have ASD and you have kids). The fee is pretty nominal and might help with some of your fears. The coaching is available worldwide. My husband's therapist is autistic herself and has kids and is married, so her perspective is very authentic. About the divorce rate, also know that asd divorce rates (where a spouse has asd) is also 80 percent regardless of having kids, so just know that's there too. In my marriage my asd spouse's executive dysfunction and alexithymia are huge issues...and I say that as someone with adhd who understands executive dysfunction. I'd really recommend all books by John gottman to you. He explains exactly what's expected in a marital relationship at a level thats helpful for people with alexithymia. My asd husband just didn't understand a lot....and didn't seek out solutions. He just melted down and got defensive, which isn't an appropriate when your partner expresses a need or feeling...so i do feel like untreated asd alone is a huge marital issue. That being said, it's simply a matter of treating your own symptoms well to be successful with both, so with both parenting and marriage it's definitely worthwhile to get a handle on all your symptoms and use all the resources out there to the fullest extent you can (DBT, coaching, aba, apps for executive dysfunction, a planner, a white board etc)., A documentary I just watched with my autistic kid that I'd highly recommend if you want a bit of a look at becoming an autistic parent together with an allistic parent is Expecting Amy. Granted, the autistic parent in this scenario isn't the one pregnant, but it goes pretty in-depth with how this couple deals with a very difficult pregnancy with one of the parents being autistic and getting diagnosed in the middle of the pregnancy as well., Undiagnosed autistic mom of 2 kids (one diagnosed, one not) here. My SO is classically on the spectrum, also undiagnosed. I would say that kids were a net positive for our family, but the first 4 years were bloody HARD and resource expensive. There's some stuff like early intervention that's available free from the state, but kids generally need more than the bare minimum of therapy they offer. Our marriage is solid, but I will say that things could have gone A LOT worse if we still drank like we did before the kids (both SO and I went sober at the first pregnancy.) If you are in a position where your mental and financial health is such that you can swing the care of a baby alone, go for it. When you think about it, it's as basic as survival of the fittest. If you are holding your own in adulthood as an autistic person, chances are, your kid will too. They also have a high chance of being ASD. Which isn't inherently a bad thing. My SO is the most brilliant, hard working and ethical person I know, if our kids turn out anything like him, the world will be a better place for it., I think if you don’t know where the desire to have biological children comes from you should start with those feelings. If you’re on the fence about that you might want to see a therapist and work through what your actual feelings are about having children regardless of whether they are NT or ND., I don’t mean to simplify this too much, but aside from the concern of passing on ASD, which idk has been proven to be genetic, you really need to decide if having a kid is really something you even want. Your post seems to lean towards not, more so than yes. And that’s perfectly okay bc parenthood isn’t for everyone. I have plenty of friends that have chosen to live their lives without being a parent, but if that’s your true desire, you just need to be upfront with your partner. There may be consequences to that decision, but becoming a parent can have consequences that you don’t want either. Parenthood can be great, and it can also be hell. Anyone that tells you it’s all roses isn’t being honest with you or themselves. Parenting is hard with or without a child with ASD. It can be physically and mentally exhausting, and it’s a huge financial burden for those without sufficient medical coverage and finances. I’m not saying this to scare you, simply being realistic. I have three kids and live them all to death. My middle is ASD and was extremely challenging in the early years, but now he’s doing well. My youngest, not ASD, is an absolute handful most days and constantly challenges her mother and I. There aren’t ASD kids and non-ASD kids, they’re all just kids that come with any random assortment of personalities. I truly hope you find the answers you came here looking for and make the best choice for you. Best of luck!, I say this lovingly as a 49 year old mom of 6, with a son with level 3 autism. If having a child like Cash would be your worst nightmare, don't have kids. You have no control over what child you may have and once you have a child you can't "un have" them. So, until you are at peace about fully accepting and embracing whatever kind of child you have, challenges and all, don't have a child. Although Cash is an extreme case and none of us know much about his true history or what is really going on, I have worked with quite a few kiddos who rival Cash's intensity. It is uncommon, but not THAT uncommon. Here is the advice I gave my daughters, who are right around your age: Never have a child because your man wants one. There is a good chance that you will carry the bulk of the mental and physical load with any child you have. Only have a child if you are prepared to do everything for that child. You never know what kind of parent someone will be until they become one. Before you conceive anyone, please sit and think about whether you are ready for the level of selflessness parenting requires and how you will feel if you have to do it yourself. Even if your boyfriend is the most wonderful person in the world right now, that doesn't mean it is going to translate into being willing to share parenting responsibilities in a way that feels equitable to you. It doesn't matter if he loves kids, if kids love him, if he adores baby animals, etc. There is no experience that can adequately prepare you for becoming a parent. It is quite a ride! Believe it or not, I love being a parent. I have been a parent for 30 years. But I can't sit here and not be honest with you. Parenting is the hardest job you will ever do. It is also the best, in my opinion. But hard. I just want to make sure that you make the decision to have children because you truly want to have children and that you go in without expectation. Read these threads and see how many people say things like "this isn't how I imagined my life would be". That is some deep sadness., The fact is we don't know. We know there is a strong genetic component, but there are also tons of cases where its seemingly not genetic. You can get genetic testing, but there are only a handful of identified mutations that have positively been linked. That is your best bet, and yet you are likely to just get a shrug. All four of our children are autistic. We are 99% sure it came from my wife. She herself got diagnosed level 1 ASD last year. With our experience now and all that we've learned we are 99% certain her father is autistic as well. I'm sure undiagnosed cases are rampant in his family. But the genetic testing points to two mutations inherited from her that are "not statistically significant". If we had known all this prior to having children, we really would not know if she would have passed it on. Are either of your parents autistic? Or even suspected? If not, then even if it is genetic it seems not to be dominant and who the heck knows., I was diagnosed with Asperger's as a kid and I was also aggressive and my mom fixed that fast in me at age 16 when she told me I could no longer live at home if I make the whole house unsafe. No more me being aggressive ever. It's a matter of why kids with autism are aggressive and why they do it and if they do that only at home or everywhere. If only at home, let's not make the home safe place for them to be aggressive or they will be sent away or arrested for assault or they lose privileges. I have a son with ASD lv 1 which would have been AS if that were still a diagnoses. He isn't aggressive and would get into trouble if he tried. I never made my home a safe place for him to be aggressive and he knows this. If he got aggressive because he got angry I would tell him it's okay to be upset and angry and he is entitled to his feelings but he has no right to abuse us and the house and the furniture and he will lose his video games if he gets abusive. I tell him he can beat a pillow or a stuffed animal but no throwing. I totally get it, he gets overloaded with negative feelings so he acts out so I did the same too and I just have emotional outbursts than aggression. I had lot of it as a teen so I acted out aggressively and my family wasn't helping. They just basically abandoned me emotionally and made it all be my fault for my feelings and all they did was make my anxiety worse so I had more behavior. But I didn't dare to do it at school and I only had outbursts than aggression. My son has them at school too and has flipped over a table or chair knowing you can't break those and no one is going to get hurt if he turns it over. He just gets sent out to the pod where he can calm down. Just as long as my son has his dad's phone or uses mine, he is okay in public. Same as on long car rides. He also has ADHD. First pregnancy was easy for me and the second one was difficult. He was easy in my pregnancy but I went through 8 hrs of labor and I had an epidural and gave vaginal birth but it took me 45 minutes of pushing for him to come out. Second one, my daughter pushed on my organs and rib cage and labor contractions where sharper and she came so fast, I was not able to have an epidural so I have a natural delivery and pushed her out in like 15 seconds but had 3rd degree tear. I didn't even feel her come out, I only felt intense pressure down there. It took the doctor 20 minutes to stitch me back up down there. I was sore down there after the first delivery but felt nothing down there after the second delivery. My son was very sweet to his sister and liked showing her everything and playing with her and talking to her so he basically did my job for me by giving her attention she needed and he would even tell me when she was awake or stinky and he was finally fully potty trained because he wanted to show her how to go potty. He was never jealous. I also told him he was a good brother. He never showed aggression towards her like he did to his peers at school so he had a aid with him and early intervention. He was placed under developmental delay in preschool and then autism when he started kindergarten but he didn't get medically diagnosed until he was 12. He only had educational autism on his IEP and his school felt he needed a medical diagnoses so they can support him more. &#x200B; My son has been a challenge at times and would do anything to get out of doing stuff he doesn't want to do and during Covid it was very tough. he simply didn't want to do school work at home and would pretend he couldn't use a keyboard and purposely mess up and me and my husband had to be contestant and stick with it and not do the work for him. I would take away electronics for the day and he could only get them back if he did remote learning. My husband had him stand in the corner if he didn't do his school work. I also found out he wanted to be a game designer so I told him only way he can be one when he grew up was if he did his school work so he can go to high school and graduate and then go to college. He also wouldn't learn to read so me and my husband refused to read everything in video games for him and we told him if he knew how to read, he would know what it says and we can't be reading everything to him whenever he plays a video game. He learned to read and he finally started doing school work, we had to find a way to get him motivated. He still refused to learn to tie his shoes but we pick our battles, there are lot of shoes that are laceless so we never bothered. If he sees a reason to learn it, he will. I think with me being ND as well, I never had to take classes or take my son to different doctors to figure out how to parent him like mine did. And times have changed so schools get funding now for each ASD kid so they help them now and it makes it easier on the parents. Might depend on the state as well. Where I live, schools get funding. We didn't have this when I was a kid so it was harder for me and my parents had to advocate for me and fight to get them to follow my IEP and had to get an attorney involved and my psychologist. Schools will do anything to save money if there is no funding., I wasn't accepting of the peers or the psychologist that thought i was autistic until after my son was diagnosed so ymmv. However, being his mom has been a huge lesson in self acceptance for me. It was very rough at first. Especially, getting to the diagnosis and not knowing if he'd be verbal or not. He's only 2 1/2 so there's still plenty of unknowns, but in someways he's much easier then nt kids and in some ways he's a lot harder. I hated pregnancy. Childbirth wasn't horrible (i got an epidural), but after pregnancy your body changes a lot and, in my experience, not in a positive way. My husband and i fight, like most husbands and wives, but nothing more than your typical arguments and our marriage is solid. We also both want more kids. If you have anything i didn't cover or want to ask something else, i'll respond as best i can., If you have an enduring support network that can meet you wherever you are, that’s important. Also financial stability. And your partner needs to be fully on board for being a fully autonomous parent. And your space should be sensory affirming. If you’ve already made steps to make it comfy for you, chances are your kids will be similar. Basically, you need to plan for all the same things you would for an NT child. And good news! If you plan your space for a sensory seeking or avoiding child, chances are an NT child will also thrive there. Autism is a developmental disorder and may appear differently in different people, but I have found that within families, a lot of the same traits tend to be passed on. You need to be super aware of your own triggers and have strategies on how to manage them without taking them out on your child. A lot of these strategies work double duty because you can often teach your children how to do them too. Developmentally, it also means that you tend to mature in different ways at different times. When I was in my 20’s, I felt like a teenager in a lot of ways, a kid in some ways, but an adult in others. It was very confusing at the time. When both my kids were diagnosed with autism, I also did some digging and found out that my parents had gotten me diagnosed when I was very young, but decided I would grow out of it if they were just super harsh on me. Spoiler: I am still autistic. I did have to spend a lot of time with them working on controlling their voice level. Both of them went through a very upsetting period of vocal stimming via screaming. That wasn’t great. But with time, they pretty much grew out of it. Both are very creative and thoughtful. They did need ieps in school to help them with speech and occupational therapy, but my eldest has “graduated” from her iep and is nearly completed with her social skills classes. If all goes well, she graduates in a few months from the program entirely, though I have been assured that she can see a nd-affirming therapist for social emotional wellness as needed. All in all, it wasn’t exactly harder to raise autistic kids. It was just harder in certain ways but easier in others when compared to Nt kids. For example, when they were younger, I could get laundry done more easily because they’d just hang out in one place focused on an activity. But at the park, they would literally just run towards danger without even thinking so I had to stay on my toes. Basically, theres always a chance your child will have special needs, so have a plan and a support group are the most important things., It's hard to say if you'd pass down autism. In my case my grandmother on my mom's side has a sister. My grandma had my mom and my aunt ( full sisters) and they function in society as neurotypical, they have never been diagnosed but they are in their 60s and autism wasn't all that known back then if they were functioning in society, but I can tell you my mom definitely might fit into what you would expect a level 1 would be. My mom then had me and my brother who both function in society as neurotypical. My grandmas sister had a level 3 non verbal boy on the spectrum. And now here I am and I have 4 kids and my 3rd child (but first boy) is non communicative and has very little receptive language. So in some people's mind , my situation would suggest autism could have technically jumped 2 generations -skipping my mom, skipping me, and then right to my boy. Its hard to say. I have 4 kids though and my last one it's too early to tell if he has autism yet. So if he doesn't have autism then I have 1/4 kids with autism. He does than I have 2/4. I know this doesn't really give you an answer, but just a little story to help you in your own research!, Hi! Sooo Autism is definitely genetics and just because no one in your family is diagnosed doesn't mean there aren't any! :-) That being said, I was recently diagnosed at 27, I have 2 kids, both of which have autism and are on various degrees of the spectrum. It's a big change in your life and if you do decide to take this step, please make sure you have all the help in the world you can get! Family, friends, counselors, therapists, anybody who can help and think and make the process easier, do so! But also.. Grow a thick skin? Because becoming a mom means following your own gut and trusting yourself which is something I wasn't good at when I first became a mom. But it grows on you! And now I am a pro! Being pregnant was exciting and scary at the same time. I never felt more in touch with my body as when I was pregnant, but then in the end everything gets uncomfortable and its sensory overload 24/7. Giving birth hurts, but is it worth it in the end? Always know your options and research what YOU feel most comfortable with. Not what your mother, boyfriend or next door neighbor wants for your delivery. Also, it can be very intense. Sensory wise it's hell. Raising autistic kids before I knew they were autistic was a battle and I sadly had my 4 year old end up in a burn out. It wasn't until we got her diagnosis and we got the right help and she is now a loud, happy, bright and colorful 7 year old that shows the world who's the boss! If you know you have autism (I didn't at the time.) You are already a step ahead. As soon as your kid starts showing signs you know it's time to get them seen and guide them as best as you would have wanted to be guided at the time! After we learned about our first child's diagnosis we did everything to understand her, help her regulate and help ourselves to stay regulated. Since then, we seldom have melt downs. When it comes to what level of autism your child is going to have it doesn't really matter. For all you know you end up with a neurotypical child that struggles with things too. You will have to learn to navigate when the time comes. The part about understanding why your boyfriend doesn't want to adopt.. I guess preference? But with that situation too.. An adopted child might have trauma. Trauma can be displayed in many ways and that is then a case you will have to learn to navigate. I see your boyfriend has ADHD and you do too. So you know the baby could end up with ADHD as well. I have both ADHD and autism too and I really wouldn't say one is worse than the other. They have a lot of co-morbidities that could make things "more difficult" and it's not so black and white that neurotypical children or another neurotype is easier to deal with than autism. I would like to end with: having babies isn't a bad thing. Having autistic babies isn't a bad thing. Being an autistic mother isn't a bad thing. BUT, you seem worried, and you seem scared and if you were my daughter telling me what you wrote here, I would tell you: don't do it. Atleast? Not now. And if your boyfriend is very "pushy" about wanting kids some day, then please think long and hard if this is the person you want to stay with. Having kids because someone else wants them is ALWAYS a bad idea. And having kids isn't as easy as summing up neurotypes and figuring out how big the chances are of them getting one or the other. Regardless of neurotype, all kids struggle, all kids have hard parts in growing up and all parents go through that. Only you know yourself best if you could handle all the above. ❤️, Not diagnosed but pretty sure I am autistic. My autistic 4.5 year old definitely causes me to get over stimulated frequently. The constant noise is hard. When they get into a very touchy phase and want to crawl all over me and pet me it makes me feel like I'm gonna explode. I unfortunately do sometimes yell when I am at my limit with noises or touching and have to distance myself. Plus side is I understand a good portion of what they are going through with noise sensitivity, textural issues, anger issues because of over stimulation. The different types of therapy has helped me find my own coping skills., I’m ADHD, but not autistic. My daughter is level 1, diagnosed autistic and likely will catch an adhd diagnosis when she turns 4. If I really thought about it prior- my spouse is likely undiagnosed level 1. Even if he had been diagnosed prior to us deciding to have a child, I still think I would have gone ahead and had a kid with him. Now- this is coming from someone with a child that, by the experts guess, is likely to be low support needs. While parenting an autistic child does come with some challenges, my experience is that there is way more I love and enjoy about my daughter than that I find challenging. She is literally the light of my life. I say this as she eats pasta and smears red sauce all over creation. Pasta for dinner is always an awful mess, but it’s a safe food and I can sneak veggies in with it so it stays in the rotation., I’m AuDHD and I have two asd kids and one possibly NT kid. My son is on waitlist to be assessed for adhd. Obviously I am level one and I think my son is level 2 and my daughter level 1.5. I would never know I had asd until I have kids. That explains why I felt like an alien and couldn’t even fit in at school and I barely have any close friends. Women and girls are not diagnosed in the 90’s to 00’s so I missed the radar., There is no history of Autism in my family, so it's not hereditary in my case. But I was an older mom, with gestational diabeties, and a history of MDD and anxiety, and habe two kids with ASD level 1. I would have a conversation with your boyfriend and a genetics counselor or MD. They will explain to you both in layman's terms the likelihood of having a kid with ASD, and that there is no guarentee of what kind of ASD support level that may be., Ya I didn’t know my “quirks” were autism traits till my son was getting diagnosed. He is just a more extreme version of me…. I’m 40 and basically my mom knew there was something but didn’t know what. They tested me every few years and nothing ever materialized. As an adult a dermatologist said I had OCD, went to a psychiatrist and he confirmed I had that, then as I got older my anxiety was getting worse and I was having panic attacks and my doctor asked if I had been tested for ADHD and I said as a kid and she said things have changed. I have severe ADHD which caused issues for the OCD and anxiety. It’s a wicked little cycle that feeds into each other. Been on max dose ADHD meds which got me off the 3 anxiety meds I was on and then I go on and off meds as needed for the OCD. I have always had hyper mobility, if it can be dislocated I’ve done it. I’m clumsy and have always said I was the queen of minor injuries. I get very focused and obsessive on topics and consume nothing but that and only want to talk about it. Friends are hard to make and keep. I’m an extroverted introvert, it’s hard to get me out but then I’m social when out but I can’t socialize properly. I know this but I can’t do it right, it sucks. When my son was getting tested and I was reading up on things A lot was me and he still is just a more extreme version of me. I find it helps me parent him. I don’t get overwhelmed like everyone else when they watch him. It’s like I’m in his head so I know what is going to bother him or what he’s thinking of doing before he does it. I can warn him if I know a sound bothers me and he covers his ears because I know it will bother him. I can see things in a store that I know he will be drawn to and can navigate it. I know what clothing he will or won’t like. I know which blankets he prefers. The only thing he doesn’t trust me fully on yet is foods. I know what he will and won’t like. But he don’t try a lot of things because he is so visual. But he’s learning to trust me, he closes his eyes and takes a nibble but it’s slow going. So for me yes my kid is level 2 non verbal autistic (he turned 4 in December) but being his mom is very easy. Dealing with all his “things” doesn’t affect me the same as others. During his assessments they are always asking how we are doing and how our son is very active and a hand full and it’s fine. He is me and I can handle me. I don’t know how else to explain it., Looks like there's a flood of us who didn't recognize autism in themselves until their kid(s) were diagnosed, I'm in that boat as well. But my kid is friggin awesome. Legitimately the coolest little human I've ever met, all the stuff I got chastised for are the things I love best about her. I love that I can understand her on a level that my parents didn't understand me, and I love giving her the childhood I didn't get. I'm sure I'll make mistakes, I'm sure it will be hard (really fckin hard) at times, but I have zero regrets., All I'm gonna say is that my husband and I are the same kind of Autistic. Our son, isn't. A lot of his stims are our triggers, and it can be very difficult to keep calm., My husband is likely autistic. We are both ADHD. Both of our kids have ADHD and one is autistic. The ADHD is the more brutal one at this point but that’s because our autistic one is still so young and level 1., I don’t think the 80% divorce rate is true, I am not able to find a legit source for that, I don't think being autistic is a bad thing. Autistic people do awesome stuff in life. My kiddos are autistic and they are the best., If you can adopt, that is one other option., Pardon my ignorance but why do we think that autism is genetic or otherwise heritable?, That feeling of never fitting in. Never being understood. Being an outsider. Feeling out of step with everyone. It all makes so much more sense now., Same! So many of my mental health issues are explained by autism., Same. This is why I don’t recommend having kids, really to anyone., Same!, I suppose that makes a lot of sense I’ve definitely spent years talking about this in therapy. I replied to my comment kind of about my childhood but yeah id say some of the things that i was put through definitely still affect me today even though im in a really great place. You seem like an amazing mom your daughter is really lucky to have you, Same! I didn't know I was autistic or get diagnosed until after my son was diagnosed and I noticed a ton of similarities between him and I. He is level 3. But my younger daughter has shown no signs of autism. I think it's just a gamble. But if I had to do it again, I would. My son is absolutely wonderful and I'm not sad about him having autism. Like you said, it's not a deadly disease., I was put in a lot of therapies and medications against my will since as young as 5 years old. Id be seeing specialist after specialist week after week just to try to get me “fixed” where i genuinely hated my mother for the majority of my life and I’ve always resented my family because my siblings are two like golden children and i was used as an “example” a lot. I hated being autistic and hated myself most of my life. My relationship with my mom improved once i started to actively try to heal my trauma and move on from my past and once i was less angry i was kinder to my family and i was lucky enough to have them be receptive to that. Over the past year for the first time in my life i feel like im actually a part of the family. I cant remember the last time there was any kind of conflict or when anyone yelled. But a big part of that was because of my boyfriend. He loves me so much for who i am and has made me see myself in such a positive light and he makes me want to be a better person. We’re moving out together soon too :) sorry for the tangent, I want to, but my boyfriend wants his genes passed down., Autism frequently runs in families and in identical twins I believe autism occurs close to 90% for the other twin if one twin has it. Autism isn't just one thing caused by one gene though so the genetics are complicated. Most studies I have seen put autism at 80% genetics and 20% environmental influences. Also, in some cases ASD can be caused by a de novo mutation not passed down by either parent, but a new mutation in the individuals genes. Many families who have genetic testing done come up with nothing not because they don't have a gene implicated in autism but rather the gene has not been identified yet. All this to say the genetics of autism are very complicated but most research agrees it is strongly genetic. Anecdotally, I realized after my son was diagnosed that I am probably on the spectrum with lower support needs, as are a few other people in my family. From what I read on here this seems pretty common., It’s like you’re reading my mind, I'm a big proponent of processing childhood trauma and making sure you have really strong emotional regulation/ coping skills before having kids. Otherwise, it's very hard not to either perpetuate the same kind of dysfunction or to overcompensate too much in the opposite direction and perpetuate a different kind of dysfunction. It is possible to do things differently and create a healthy family dynamic, but being a cycle breaker is SO HARD, especially if you don't have a supportive family behind you. You don't have to be perfectly regulated at all times, but if you're already struggling with regulation, having kids will make it much, much worse. Speaking from experience here... don't be like me and ignore the trauma and then have a mental breakdown and spend years dissociated and barely making it through the day (covid isolation and being in a dysfunctional relationship also played a part here). I started trauma therapy a year ago, and things are much better now. I'm also getting divorced (hooray!), [deleted], There is a strong genetic component to autism, so there would be an increased likelihood that your children would be autistic. There are also many stories of "lower support needs" parents having "high support needs" children, so that is something you would need to decide if you would be mentally and financially able to deal with. It is far, far from a certainty, but something you need to weigh out. What would happen if you ended up with a child who could never live independently. Is that a deal breaker for you? Is it a deal breaker for your SO? As I said, that is far from a certainty. It's just an increased risk out there. Especially if both you and your partner are ND. My daughter is level 1 and the more we learn about her, the more we grow to believe my husband is undiagnosed level 1 himself (he was diagnosed with a number of learning disabilities in the 90s, but under the modern criteria, we are pretty darn sure he would have been labeled autistic if being evaluated now). His mother is also pretty certain now that her father was looking back on it. Since one of my daughter's cousins on that side is also recently diagnosed, we're pretty darn sure where that came down genetically. That cousin's sister is also diagnosed ADHD, so of all the cousins on that side, we're 3 for 3 being ND. My husband and I personally have decided to be one and done because we don't feel we have the mental capacity to give another child the life they deserve, and we are able to pay for all the different therapies my daughter needs (money would be hella tight if we ended up with two kids needing therapies--especially since there's no guarantee a second wouldn't potentially have more issues. They could be NT of course, but we want to be able to provide the best we can for our daughter and don't want to gamble on that). When it comes to parenting, you can never know what you're going to come up against. My friends just lost their daughter to a heart defect that was just a fluke of nature. It happens. But you need to weigh your own personal abilities against the different likelihoods., >I remember not even just as a kid but well into my teen years i was so abusive to my mom. Id scream id yell at her saying i hate her. My siblings resented me for most of their lives because i could never handle being out for long and wed have to leave things early and I was always having loud sometimes violent meltdowns. I was constantly having problems with the school and peers and behavioral issues both at school and home. Id lash out all of the time and I was honestly miserable myself. I pretty much sucked the life out of my family and sometimes i think about how easier their lives wouldve been if it were just them and my neurotypical siblings. I really do not want to be in the position my mom was in. I have a great relationship with my family now and I don’t blame them cause everyone has their limits. I can't tell you whether or not you should have kids, but it really sounds like you would benefit a lot from trauma therapy. Your "constant behavioural problems" are what happens when a person has a chronically dysregulated nervous system. Years of chronic dysregulation causes trauma, even when nothing obviously "Traumatic" happened during that time. Being in a chronic state of fight or flight, not having the skills or resources to get out of it (because you were a child) and feeling like an outsider in your own family is real trauma. My older kid reminds me a lot of my older brother who sounds similar to you as a child, but possibly more violent and abusive towards his siblings. Once I realized she was autistic (at 2.5), I was absolutely terrified of every horrible thing that happened in my childhood repeating itself. She's only 5.5 now and she's the sweetest kid! She has a ton of anxiety and sometimes has bad meltdowns, but life is so much better and easier than I thought it would be, considering how bad my childhood was. I parent very differently than my parents and I focus on connection and regulation. My kids are thriving., Generally speaking, anything goes when you decide to have kids. Your child might not have autism but could still be neurodivergent with its own set of challenges. Or they could have medical issues that are hard. Or they could be “perfect” and get into an accident later on in life and you have to take care of them long term. Nobody knows unfortunately. Having a kid is stressful. Having a child with additional needs is usually more stressful. You definitely need to be 100% onboard with it., I think a geneticist can help determine your risk factor. Pregnancy and childbirth is doable. The parts you can control and help are to take good care of your health and find good medical care. (US). If there’s a good chance of having a child with ADHD or Autism, absolutely pay attention to the school system where you plan to live after your child is 3yrs. Prior to age 3yr it’s early intervention for any help which usually is county determined. Every child and every parent is different, I don’t think anyone can really prepare you. One thing that does help with parenting are things like babysitting or learning about child development., My dad was autistic. He was never diagnosed, as no one knew what autism even was back then, but when my daughter was diagnosed in the 90s (and diagnosing was still pretty new then, especially for girls), it all became clear to me. My youngest brother is likely autistic too. Maybe my oldest. I wonder if knowing when I was younger would have helped. Dad was a great guy, big heart, giving, but had some really difficult unusual behaviors that were way, way different from other dads, for sure. He sometimes drove others crazy and had pretty much no friends, but I don't think many people actively disliked him, because he was such a good guy. And he was smart. He could fix anything, and kids would bring him their bikes, toys, lawnmowers, even cars, and he'd just do it. Gratefully. Happy to help! I remember a friend parked her car in our drive once when she visited me, and when she came out my dad tells her, "I saw you needed your oil changed. I took care of it for you." Every Halloween he'd make batches of his famous fudge and everyone knew to come to his house to get it (50 years later I'd have people mention that to me). He was a good dad. I have 4 siblings. All 5 of us have an autistic child. So yeah, it's hereditary. They're all high functioning. Just like anyone thinking of having kids, consider yourself, your partner, and your resources, and that's what you use to make the decision. Can you care for a child? Do you want to? It's a forever job. Will you love them? Can you reasonably afford them? Good luck., Chances are you are not the only autistic person in your family even though some may be undiagnosed. No one, not even a geneticist can predict the chance of you having an autistic child because autism is very heterogenous. I think you should have a child if you want to have a child. Are you planning to marry/have children with your boyfriend in the very near future? Your boyfriend may want to volunteer with autistic children to get an idea of the different ways autism can look. I always tell my friends that don’t have children to open their mind because you don’t know what kind of child you will have. A diagnosed autistic person should procreate with the mindset, “I’d be okay if my child had autism” because there’s a very real chance it could occur., I’m autistic and have two children. One is autistic, one is not. If you want to have children then have them. Autism is not a deadly disease. Everything is genetic, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, heart disease, breast cancer. But we do not stop or dissuade women with a familial history of breast cancer or heart disease from having kids. Best of luck to you., You're not an ass for asking! If I had known I was likely ASD I would have been asking the same questions. My son is 3 and level 3 and non verbal but he is making progress so I don't think he will stay that way. It's emotionally really hard because I feel like I passed my autism on and it effects my son more significantly. With that said my son is a delightful boy with minimal behaviors who I love very much. For me, it's not his ASD day to day that makes things hard but it is the worry about his future, services, schools etc. I struggle significantly with anxiety. I think you have to make the decision that feels right for you ultimately but I think it's very responsible to ask these questions. I wish I had been able to do the same. I also would have felt better if I knew it was a possibility opposed to it being a complete shock., My son (ASD lvl 1) is the only one on either side of our families that is diagnosed. There might be undiagnosed ADHD but no one with autism. I have another NT toddler and am pregnant with number 3. I can only comment on how it impacts a marriage, for us it’s brought us closer, we are a team and we will do anything for our little guy. If he was high needs I’m sure that would put additional strain on a relationship. I would speak to your bf and ensure you are on the same page on how you would parent and support a child with ASD, there is no telling what level of support they may require etc. As parents we just don’t want our children’s lives to be harder than necessary, we just want them to be happy. That being said many NT people can still struggle with mental health or addiction, there is no guarantee our children will not face certain hardships. So in my eyes, yes the challenges of our NT and ASD children will be different, it doesn’t change the fact we will support them both in the best ways we can., Counter question, you say you were always lashing out and abusive to your mom. When and why did it stop?, There are no studies. That being said, my husband sees a therapist through "my autistic therpist" and she runs a coaching support group for autistic parents (as in you have ASD and you have kids). The fee is pretty nominal and might help with some of your fears. The coaching is available worldwide. My husband's therapist is autistic herself and has kids and is married, so her perspective is very authentic. About the divorce rate, also know that asd divorce rates (where a spouse has asd) is also 80 percent regardless of having kids, so just know that's there too. In my marriage my asd spouse's executive dysfunction and alexithymia are huge issues...and I say that as someone with adhd who understands executive dysfunction. I'd really recommend all books by John gottman to you. He explains exactly what's expected in a marital relationship at a level thats helpful for people with alexithymia. My asd husband just didn't understand a lot....and didn't seek out solutions. He just melted down and got defensive, which isn't an appropriate when your partner expresses a need or feeling...so i do feel like untreated asd alone is a huge marital issue. That being said, it's simply a matter of treating your own symptoms well to be successful with both, so with both parenting and marriage it's definitely worthwhile to get a handle on all your symptoms and use all the resources out there to the fullest extent you can (DBT, coaching, aba, apps for executive dysfunction, a planner, a white board etc)., A documentary I just watched with my autistic kid that I'd highly recommend if you want a bit of a look at becoming an autistic parent together with an allistic parent is Expecting Amy. Granted, the autistic parent in this scenario isn't the one pregnant, but it goes pretty in-depth with how this couple deals with a very difficult pregnancy with one of the parents being autistic and getting diagnosed in the middle of the pregnancy as well., Undiagnosed autistic mom of 2 kids (one diagnosed, one not) here. My SO is classically on the spectrum, also undiagnosed. I would say that kids were a net positive for our family, but the first 4 years were bloody HARD and resource expensive. There's some stuff like early intervention that's available free from the state, but kids generally need more than the bare minimum of therapy they offer. Our marriage is solid, but I will say that things could have gone A LOT worse if we still drank like we did before the kids (both SO and I went sober at the first pregnancy.) If you are in a position where your mental and financial health is such that you can swing the care of a baby alone, go for it. When you think about it, it's as basic as survival of the fittest. If you are holding your own in adulthood as an autistic person, chances are, your kid will too. They also have a high chance of being ASD. Which isn't inherently a bad thing. My SO is the most brilliant, hard working and ethical person I know, if our kids turn out anything like him, the world will be a better place for it., I think if you don’t know where the desire to have biological children comes from you should start with those feelings. If you’re on the fence about that you might want to see a therapist and work through what your actual feelings are about having children regardless of whether they are NT or ND., I don’t mean to simplify this too much, but aside from the concern of passing on ASD, which idk has been proven to be genetic, you really need to decide if having a kid is really something you even want. Your post seems to lean towards not, more so than yes. And that’s perfectly okay bc parenthood isn’t for everyone. I have plenty of friends that have chosen to live their lives without being a parent, but if that’s your true desire, you just need to be upfront with your partner. There may be consequences to that decision, but becoming a parent can have consequences that you don’t want either. Parenthood can be great, and it can also be hell. Anyone that tells you it’s all roses isn’t being honest with you or themselves. Parenting is hard with or without a child with ASD. It can be physically and mentally exhausting, and it’s a huge financial burden for those without sufficient medical coverage and finances. I’m not saying this to scare you, simply being realistic. I have three kids and live them all to death. My middle is ASD and was extremely challenging in the early years, but now he’s doing well. My youngest, not ASD, is an absolute handful most days and constantly challenges her mother and I. There aren’t ASD kids and non-ASD kids, they’re all just kids that come with any random assortment of personalities. I truly hope you find the answers you came here looking for and make the best choice for you. Best of luck!, I say this lovingly as a 49 year old mom of 6, with a son with level 3 autism. If having a child like Cash would be your worst nightmare, don't have kids. You have no control over what child you may have and once you have a child you can't "un have" them. So, until you are at peace about fully accepting and embracing whatever kind of child you have, challenges and all, don't have a child. Although Cash is an extreme case and none of us know much about his true history or what is really going on, I have worked with quite a few kiddos who rival Cash's intensity. It is uncommon, but not THAT uncommon. Here is the advice I gave my daughters, who are right around your age: Never have a child because your man wants one. There is a good chance that you will carry the bulk of the mental and physical load with any child you have. Only have a child if you are prepared to do everything for that child. You never know what kind of parent someone will be until they become one. Before you conceive anyone, please sit and think about whether you are ready for the level of selflessness parenting requires and how you will feel if you have to do it yourself. Even if your boyfriend is the most wonderful person in the world right now, that doesn't mean it is going to translate into being willing to share parenting responsibilities in a way that feels equitable to you. It doesn't matter if he loves kids, if kids love him, if he adores baby animals, etc. There is no experience that can adequately prepare you for becoming a parent. It is quite a ride! Believe it or not, I love being a parent. I have been a parent for 30 years. But I can't sit here and not be honest with you. Parenting is the hardest job you will ever do. It is also the best, in my opinion. But hard. I just want to make sure that you make the decision to have children because you truly want to have children and that you go in without expectation. Read these threads and see how many people say things like "this isn't how I imagined my life would be". That is some deep sadness., The fact is we don't know. We know there is a strong genetic component, but there are also tons of cases where its seemingly not genetic. You can get genetic testing, but there are only a handful of identified mutations that have positively been linked. That is your best bet, and yet you are likely to just get a shrug. All four of our children are autistic. We are 99% sure it came from my wife. She herself got diagnosed level 1 ASD last year. With our experience now and all that we've learned we are 99% certain her father is autistic as well. I'm sure undiagnosed cases are rampant in his family. But the genetic testing points to two mutations inherited from her that are "not statistically significant". If we had known all this prior to having children, we really would not know if she would have passed it on. Are either of your parents autistic? Or even suspected? If not, then even if it is genetic it seems not to be dominant and who the heck knows., I was diagnosed with Asperger's as a kid and I was also aggressive and my mom fixed that fast in me at age 16 when she told me I could no longer live at home if I make the whole house unsafe. No more me being aggressive ever. It's a matter of why kids with autism are aggressive and why they do it and if they do that only at home or everywhere. If only at home, let's not make the home safe place for them to be aggressive or they will be sent away or arrested for assault or they lose privileges. I have a son with ASD lv 1 which would have been AS if that were still a diagnoses. He isn't aggressive and would get into trouble if he tried. I never made my home a safe place for him to be aggressive and he knows this. If he got aggressive because he got angry I would tell him it's okay to be upset and angry and he is entitled to his feelings but he has no right to abuse us and the house and the furniture and he will lose his video games if he gets abusive. I tell him he can beat a pillow or a stuffed animal but no throwing. I totally get it, he gets overloaded with negative feelings so he acts out so I did the same too and I just have emotional outbursts than aggression. I had lot of it as a teen so I acted out aggressively and my family wasn't helping. They just basically abandoned me emotionally and made it all be my fault for my feelings and all they did was make my anxiety worse so I had more behavior. But I didn't dare to do it at school and I only had outbursts than aggression. My son has them at school too and has flipped over a table or chair knowing you can't break those and no one is going to get hurt if he turns it over. He just gets sent out to the pod where he can calm down. Just as long as my son has his dad's phone or uses mine, he is okay in public. Same as on long car rides. He also has ADHD. First pregnancy was easy for me and the second one was difficult. He was easy in my pregnancy but I went through 8 hrs of labor and I had an epidural and gave vaginal birth but it took me 45 minutes of pushing for him to come out. Second one, my daughter pushed on my organs and rib cage and labor contractions where sharper and she came so fast, I was not able to have an epidural so I have a natural delivery and pushed her out in like 15 seconds but had 3rd degree tear. I didn't even feel her come out, I only felt intense pressure down there. It took the doctor 20 minutes to stitch me back up down there. I was sore down there after the first delivery but felt nothing down there after the second delivery. My son was very sweet to his sister and liked showing her everything and playing with her and talking to her so he basically did my job for me by giving her attention she needed and he would even tell me when she was awake or stinky and he was finally fully potty trained because he wanted to show her how to go potty. He was never jealous. I also told him he was a good brother. He never showed aggression towards her like he did to his peers at school so he had a aid with him and early intervention. He was placed under developmental delay in preschool and then autism when he started kindergarten but he didn't get medically diagnosed until he was 12. He only had educational autism on his IEP and his school felt he needed a medical diagnoses so they can support him more. &#x200B; My son has been a challenge at times and would do anything to get out of doing stuff he doesn't want to do and during Covid it was very tough. he simply didn't want to do school work at home and would pretend he couldn't use a keyboard and purposely mess up and me and my husband had to be contestant and stick with it and not do the work for him. I would take away electronics for the day and he could only get them back if he did remote learning. My husband had him stand in the corner if he didn't do his school work. I also found out he wanted to be a game designer so I told him only way he can be one when he grew up was if he did his school work so he can go to high school and graduate and then go to college. He also wouldn't learn to read so me and my husband refused to read everything in video games for him and we told him if he knew how to read, he would know what it says and we can't be reading everything to him whenever he plays a video game. He learned to read and he finally started doing school work, we had to find a way to get him motivated. He still refused to learn to tie his shoes but we pick our battles, there are lot of shoes that are laceless so we never bothered. If he sees a reason to learn it, he will. I think with me being ND as well, I never had to take classes or take my son to different doctors to figure out how to parent him like mine did. And times have changed so schools get funding now for each ASD kid so they help them now and it makes it easier on the parents. Might depend on the state as well. Where I live, schools get funding. We didn't have this when I was a kid so it was harder for me and my parents had to advocate for me and fight to get them to follow my IEP and had to get an attorney involved and my psychologist. Schools will do anything to save money if there is no funding., I wasn't accepting of the peers or the psychologist that thought i was autistic until after my son was diagnosed so ymmv. However, being his mom has been a huge lesson in self acceptance for me. It was very rough at first. Especially, getting to the diagnosis and not knowing if he'd be verbal or not. He's only 2 1/2 so there's still plenty of unknowns, but in someways he's much easier then nt kids and in some ways he's a lot harder. I hated pregnancy. Childbirth wasn't horrible (i got an epidural), but after pregnancy your body changes a lot and, in my experience, not in a positive way. My husband and i fight, like most husbands and wives, but nothing more than your typical arguments and our marriage is solid. We also both want more kids. If you have anything i didn't cover or want to ask something else, i'll respond as best i can., If you have an enduring support network that can meet you wherever you are, that’s important. Also financial stability. And your partner needs to be fully on board for being a fully autonomous parent. And your space should be sensory affirming. If you’ve already made steps to make it comfy for you, chances are your kids will be similar. Basically, you need to plan for all the same things you would for an NT child. And good news! If you plan your space for a sensory seeking or avoiding child, chances are an NT child will also thrive there. Autism is a developmental disorder and may appear differently in different people, but I have found that within families, a lot of the same traits tend to be passed on. You need to be super aware of your own triggers and have strategies on how to manage them without taking them out on your child. A lot of these strategies work double duty because you can often teach your children how to do them too. Developmentally, it also means that you tend to mature in different ways at different times. When I was in my 20’s, I felt like a teenager in a lot of ways, a kid in some ways, but an adult in others. It was very confusing at the time. When both my kids were diagnosed with autism, I also did some digging and found out that my parents had gotten me diagnosed when I was very young, but decided I would grow out of it if they were just super harsh on me. Spoiler: I am still autistic. I did have to spend a lot of time with them working on controlling their voice level. Both of them went through a very upsetting period of vocal stimming via screaming. That wasn’t great. But with time, they pretty much grew out of it. Both are very creative and thoughtful. They did need ieps in school to help them with speech and occupational therapy, but my eldest has “graduated” from her iep and is nearly completed with her social skills classes. If all goes well, she graduates in a few months from the program entirely, though I have been assured that she can see a nd-affirming therapist for social emotional wellness as needed. All in all, it wasn’t exactly harder to raise autistic kids. It was just harder in certain ways but easier in others when compared to Nt kids. For example, when they were younger, I could get laundry done more easily because they’d just hang out in one place focused on an activity. But at the park, they would literally just run towards danger without even thinking so I had to stay on my toes. Basically, theres always a chance your child will have special needs, so have a plan and a support group are the most important things., It's hard to say if you'd pass down autism. In my case my grandmother on my mom's side has a sister. My grandma had my mom and my aunt ( full sisters) and they function in society as neurotypical, they have never been diagnosed but they are in their 60s and autism wasn't all that known back then if they were functioning in society, but I can tell you my mom definitely might fit into what you would expect a level 1 would be. My mom then had me and my brother who both function in society as neurotypical. My grandmas sister had a level 3 non verbal boy on the spectrum. And now here I am and I have 4 kids and my 3rd child (but first boy) is non communicative and has very little receptive language. So in some people's mind , my situation would suggest autism could have technically jumped 2 generations -skipping my mom, skipping me, and then right to my boy. Its hard to say. I have 4 kids though and my last one it's too early to tell if he has autism yet. So if he doesn't have autism then I have 1/4 kids with autism. He does than I have 2/4. I know this doesn't really give you an answer, but just a little story to help you in your own research!, Hi! Sooo Autism is definitely genetics and just because no one in your family is diagnosed doesn't mean there aren't any! :-) That being said, I was recently diagnosed at 27, I have 2 kids, both of which have autism and are on various degrees of the spectrum. It's a big change in your life and if you do decide to take this step, please make sure you have all the help in the world you can get! Family, friends, counselors, therapists, anybody who can help and think and make the process easier, do so! But also.. Grow a thick skin? Because becoming a mom means following your own gut and trusting yourself which is something I wasn't good at when I first became a mom. But it grows on you! And now I am a pro! Being pregnant was exciting and scary at the same time. I never felt more in touch with my body as when I was pregnant, but then in the end everything gets uncomfortable and its sensory overload 24/7. Giving birth hurts, but is it worth it in the end? Always know your options and research what YOU feel most comfortable with. Not what your mother, boyfriend or next door neighbor wants for your delivery. Also, it can be very intense. Sensory wise it's hell. Raising autistic kids before I knew they were autistic was a battle and I sadly had my 4 year old end up in a burn out. It wasn't until we got her diagnosis and we got the right help and she is now a loud, happy, bright and colorful 7 year old that shows the world who's the boss! If you know you have autism (I didn't at the time.) You are already a step ahead. As soon as your kid starts showing signs you know it's time to get them seen and guide them as best as you would have wanted to be guided at the time! After we learned about our first child's diagnosis we did everything to understand her, help her regulate and help ourselves to stay regulated. Since then, we seldom have melt downs. When it comes to what level of autism your child is going to have it doesn't really matter. For all you know you end up with a neurotypical child that struggles with things too. You will have to learn to navigate when the time comes. The part about understanding why your boyfriend doesn't want to adopt.. I guess preference? But with that situation too.. An adopted child might have trauma. Trauma can be displayed in many ways and that is then a case you will have to learn to navigate. I see your boyfriend has ADHD and you do too. So you know the baby could end up with ADHD as well. I have both ADHD and autism too and I really wouldn't say one is worse than the other. They have a lot of co-morbidities that could make things "more difficult" and it's not so black and white that neurotypical children or another neurotype is easier to deal with than autism. I would like to end with: having babies isn't a bad thing. Having autistic babies isn't a bad thing. Being an autistic mother isn't a bad thing. BUT, you seem worried, and you seem scared and if you were my daughter telling me what you wrote here, I would tell you: don't do it. Atleast? Not now. And if your boyfriend is very "pushy" about wanting kids some day, then please think long and hard if this is the person you want to stay with. Having kids because someone else wants them is ALWAYS a bad idea. And having kids isn't as easy as summing up neurotypes and figuring out how big the chances are of them getting one or the other. Regardless of neurotype, all kids struggle, all kids have hard parts in growing up and all parents go through that. Only you know yourself best if you could handle all the above. ❤️, Not diagnosed but pretty sure I am autistic. My autistic 4.5 year old definitely causes me to get over stimulated frequently. The constant noise is hard. When they get into a very touchy phase and want to crawl all over me and pet me it makes me feel like I'm gonna explode. I unfortunately do sometimes yell when I am at my limit with noises or touching and have to distance myself. Plus side is I understand a good portion of what they are going through with noise sensitivity, textural issues, anger issues because of over stimulation. The different types of therapy has helped me find my own coping skills., I’m ADHD, but not autistic. My daughter is level 1, diagnosed autistic and likely will catch an adhd diagnosis when she turns 4. If I really thought about it prior- my spouse is likely undiagnosed level 1. Even if he had been diagnosed prior to us deciding to have a child, I still think I would have gone ahead and had a kid with him. Now- this is coming from someone with a child that, by the experts guess, is likely to be low support needs. While parenting an autistic child does come with some challenges, my experience is that there is way more I love and enjoy about my daughter than that I find challenging. She is literally the light of my life. I say this as she eats pasta and smears red sauce all over creation. Pasta for dinner is always an awful mess, but it’s a safe food and I can sneak veggies in with it so it stays in the rotation., I’m AuDHD and I have two asd kids and one possibly NT kid. My son is on waitlist to be assessed for adhd. Obviously I am level one and I think my son is level 2 and my daughter level 1.5. I would never know I had asd until I have kids. That explains why I felt like an alien and couldn’t even fit in at school and I barely have any close friends. Women and girls are not diagnosed in the 90’s to 00’s so I missed the radar., There is no history of Autism in my family, so it's not hereditary in my case. But I was an older mom, with gestational diabeties, and a history of MDD and anxiety, and habe two kids with ASD level 1. I would have a conversation with your boyfriend and a genetics counselor or MD. They will explain to you both in layman's terms the likelihood of having a kid with ASD, and that there is no guarentee of what kind of ASD support level that may be., Ya I didn’t know my “quirks” were autism traits till my son was getting diagnosed. He is just a more extreme version of me…. I’m 40 and basically my mom knew there was something but didn’t know what. They tested me every few years and nothing ever materialized. As an adult a dermatologist said I had OCD, went to a psychiatrist and he confirmed I had that, then as I got older my anxiety was getting worse and I was having panic attacks and my doctor asked if I had been tested for ADHD and I said as a kid and she said things have changed. I have severe ADHD which caused issues for the OCD and anxiety. It’s a wicked little cycle that feeds into each other. Been on max dose ADHD meds which got me off the 3 anxiety meds I was on and then I go on and off meds as needed for the OCD. I have always had hyper mobility, if it can be dislocated I’ve done it. I’m clumsy and have always said I was the queen of minor injuries. I get very focused and obsessive on topics and consume nothing but that and only want to talk about it. Friends are hard to make and keep. I’m an extroverted introvert, it’s hard to get me out but then I’m social when out but I can’t socialize properly. I know this but I can’t do it right, it sucks. When my son was getting tested and I was reading up on things A lot was me and he still is just a more extreme version of me. I find it helps me parent him. I don’t get overwhelmed like everyone else when they watch him. It’s like I’m in his head so I know what is going to bother him or what he’s thinking of doing before he does it. I can warn him if I know a sound bothers me and he covers his ears because I know it will bother him. I can see things in a store that I know he will be drawn to and can navigate it. I know what clothing he will or won’t like. I know which blankets he prefers. The only thing he doesn’t trust me fully on yet is foods. I know what he will and won’t like. But he don’t try a lot of things because he is so visual. But he’s learning to trust me, he closes his eyes and takes a nibble but it’s slow going. So for me yes my kid is level 2 non verbal autistic (he turned 4 in December) but being his mom is very easy. Dealing with all his “things” doesn’t affect me the same as others. During his assessments they are always asking how we are doing and how our son is very active and a hand full and it’s fine. He is me and I can handle me. I don’t know how else to explain it., Looks like there's a flood of us who didn't recognize autism in themselves until their kid(s) were diagnosed, I'm in that boat as well. But my kid is friggin awesome. Legitimately the coolest little human I've ever met, all the stuff I got chastised for are the things I love best about her. I love that I can understand her on a level that my parents didn't understand me, and I love giving her the childhood I didn't get. I'm sure I'll make mistakes, I'm sure it will be hard (really fckin hard) at times, but I have zero regrets., All I'm gonna say is that my husband and I are the same kind of Autistic. Our son, isn't. A lot of his stims are our triggers, and it can be very difficult to keep calm., My husband is likely autistic. We are both ADHD. Both of our kids have ADHD and one is autistic. The ADHD is the more brutal one at this point but that’s because our autistic one is still so young and level 1., I don’t think the 80% divorce rate is true, I am not able to find a legit source for that, I don't think being autistic is a bad thing. Autistic people do awesome stuff in life. My kiddos are autistic and they are the best., If you can adopt, that is one other option., Pardon my ignorance but why do we think that autism is genetic or otherwise heritable?, That feeling of never fitting in. Never being understood. Being an outsider. Feeling out of step with everyone. It all makes so much more sense now., Same! So many of my mental health issues are explained by autism., Same. This is why I don’t recommend having kids, really to anyone., Same!, I suppose that makes a lot of sense I’ve definitely spent years talking about this in therapy. I replied to my comment kind of about my childhood but yeah id say some of the things that i was put through definitely still affect me today even though im in a really great place. You seem like an amazing mom your daughter is really lucky to have you, Same! I didn't know I was autistic or get diagnosed until after my son was diagnosed and I noticed a ton of similarities between him and I. He is level 3. But my younger daughter has shown no signs of autism. I think it's just a gamble. But if I had to do it again, I would. My son is absolutely wonderful and I'm not sad about him having autism. Like you said, it's not a deadly disease., I was put in a lot of therapies and medications against my will since as young as 5 years old. Id be seeing specialist after specialist week after week just to try to get me “fixed” where i genuinely hated my mother for the majority of my life and I’ve always resented my family because my siblings are two like golden children and i was used as an “example” a lot. I hated being autistic and hated myself most of my life. My relationship with my mom improved once i started to actively try to heal my trauma and move on from my past and once i was less angry i was kinder to my family and i was lucky enough to have them be receptive to that. Over the past year for the first time in my life i feel like im actually a part of the family. I cant remember the last time there was any kind of conflict or when anyone yelled. But a big part of that was because of my boyfriend. He loves me so much for who i am and has made me see myself in such a positive light and he makes me want to be a better person. We’re moving out together soon too :) sorry for the tangent, I want to, but my boyfriend wants his genes passed down., Autism frequently runs in families and in identical twins I believe autism occurs close to 90% for the other twin if one twin has it. Autism isn't just one thing caused by one gene though so the genetics are complicated. Most studies I have seen put autism at 80% genetics and 20% environmental influences. Also, in some cases ASD can be caused by a de novo mutation not passed down by either parent, but a new mutation in the individuals genes. Many families who have genetic testing done come up with nothing not because they don't have a gene implicated in autism but rather the gene has not been identified yet. All this to say the genetics of autism are very complicated but most research agrees it is strongly genetic. Anecdotally, I realized after my son was diagnosed that I am probably on the spectrum with lower support needs, as are a few other people in my family. From what I read on here this seems pretty common., It’s like you’re reading my mind, I'm a big proponent of processing childhood trauma and making sure you have really strong emotional regulation/ coping skills before having kids. Otherwise, it's very hard not to either perpetuate the same kind of dysfunction or to overcompensate too much in the opposite direction and perpetuate a different kind of dysfunction. It is possible to do things differently and create a healthy family dynamic, but being a cycle breaker is SO HARD, especially if you don't have a supportive family behind you. You don't have to be perfectly regulated at all times, but if you're already struggling with regulation, having kids will make it much, much worse. Speaking from experience here... don't be like me and ignore the trauma and then have a mental breakdown and spend years dissociated and barely making it through the day (covid isolation and being in a dysfunctional relationship also played a part here). I started trauma therapy a year ago, and things are much better now. I'm also getting divorced (hooray!), [deleted], There is a strong genetic component to autism, so there would be an increased likelihood that your children would be autistic. There are also many stories of "lower support needs" parents having "high support needs" children, so that is something you would need to decide if you would be mentally and financially able to deal with. It is far, far from a certainty, but something you need to weigh out. What would happen if you ended up with a child who could never live independently. Is that a deal breaker for you? Is it a deal breaker for your SO? As I said, that is far from a certainty. It's just an increased risk out there. Especially if both you and your partner are ND. My daughter is level 1 and the more we learn about her, the more we grow to believe my husband is undiagnosed level 1 himself (he was diagnosed with a number of learning disabilities in the 90s, but under the modern criteria, we are pretty darn sure he would have been labeled autistic if being evaluated now). His mother is also pretty certain now that her father was looking back on it. Since one of my daughter's cousins on that side is also recently diagnosed, we're pretty darn sure where that came down genetically. That cousin's sister is also diagnosed ADHD, so of all the cousins on that side, we're 3 for 3 being ND. My husband and I personally have decided to be one and done because we don't feel we have the mental capacity to give another child the life they deserve, and we are able to pay for all the different therapies my daughter needs (money would be hella tight if we ended up with two kids needing therapies--especially since there's no guarantee a second wouldn't potentially have more issues. They could be NT of course, but we want to be able to provide the best we can for our daughter and don't want to gamble on that). When it comes to parenting, you can never know what you're going to come up against. My friends just lost their daughter to a heart defect that was just a fluke of nature. It happens. But you need to weigh your own personal abilities against the different likelihoods., >I remember not even just as a kid but well into my teen years i was so abusive to my mom. Id scream id yell at her saying i hate her. My siblings resented me for most of their lives because i could never handle being out for long and wed have to leave things early and I was always having loud sometimes violent meltdowns. I was constantly having problems with the school and peers and behavioral issues both at school and home. Id lash out all of the time and I was honestly miserable myself. I pretty much sucked the life out of my family and sometimes i think about how easier their lives wouldve been if it were just them and my neurotypical siblings. I really do not want to be in the position my mom was in. I have a great relationship with my family now and I don’t blame them cause everyone has their limits. I can't tell you whether or not you should have kids, but it really sounds like you would benefit a lot from trauma therapy. Your "constant behavioural problems" are what happens when a person has a chronically dysregulated nervous system. Years of chronic dysregulation causes trauma, even when nothing obviously "Traumatic" happened during that time. Being in a chronic state of fight or flight, not having the skills or resources to get out of it (because you were a child) and feeling like an outsider in your own family is real trauma. My older kid reminds me a lot of my older brother who sounds similar to you as a child, but possibly more violent and abusive towards his siblings. Once I realized she was autistic (at 2.5), I was absolutely terrified of every horrible thing that happened in my childhood repeating itself. She's only 5.5 now and she's the sweetest kid! She has a ton of anxiety and sometimes has bad meltdowns, but life is so much better and easier than I thought it would be, considering how bad my childhood was. I parent very differently than my parents and I focus on connection and regulation. My kids are thriving., Generally speaking, anything goes when you decide to have kids. Your child might not have autism but could still be neurodivergent with its own set of challenges. Or they could have medical issues that are hard. Or they could be “perfect” and get into an accident later on in life and you have to take care of them long term. Nobody knows unfortunately. Having a kid is stressful. Having a child with additional needs is usually more stressful. You definitely need to be 100% onboard with it., I think a geneticist can help determine your risk factor. Pregnancy and childbirth is doable. The parts you can control and help are to take good care of your health and find good medical care. (US). If there’s a good chance of having a child with ADHD or Autism, absolutely pay attention to the school system where you plan to live after your child is 3yrs. Prior to age 3yr it’s early intervention for any help which usually is county determined. Every child and every parent is different, I don’t think anyone can really prepare you. One thing that does help with parenting are things like babysitting or learning about child development., My dad was autistic. He was never diagnosed, as no one knew what autism even was back then, but when my daughter was diagnosed in the 90s (and diagnosing was still pretty new then, especially for girls), it all became clear to me. My youngest brother is likely autistic too. Maybe my oldest. I wonder if knowing when I was younger would have helped. Dad was a great guy, big heart, giving, but had some really difficult unusual behaviors that were way, way different from other dads, for sure. He sometimes drove others crazy and had pretty much no friends, but I don't think many people actively disliked him, because he was such a good guy. And he was smart. He could fix anything, and kids would bring him their bikes, toys, lawnmowers, even cars, and he'd just do it. Gratefully. Happy to help! I remember a friend parked her car in our drive once when she visited me, and when she came out my dad tells her, "I saw you needed your oil changed. I took care of it for you." Every Halloween he'd make batches of his famous fudge and everyone knew to come to his house to get it (50 years later I'd have people mention that to me). He was a good dad. I have 4 siblings. All 5 of us have an autistic child. So yeah, it's hereditary. They're all high functioning. Just like anyone thinking of having kids, consider yourself, your partner, and your resources, and that's what you use to make the decision. Can you care for a child? Do you want to? It's a forever job. Will you love them? Can you reasonably afford them? Good luck., Chances are you are not the only autistic person in your family even though some may be undiagnosed. No one, not even a geneticist can predict the chance of you having an autistic child because autism is very heterogenous. I think you should have a child if you want to have a child. Are you planning to marry/have children with your boyfriend in the very near future? Your boyfriend may want to volunteer with autistic children to get an idea of the different ways autism can look. I always tell my friends that don’t have children to open their mind because you don’t know what kind of child you will have. A diagnosed autistic person should procreate with the mindset, “I’d be okay if my child had autism” because there’s a very real chance it could occur., I’m autistic and have two children. One is autistic, one is not. If you want to have children then have them. Autism is not a deadly disease. Everything is genetic, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, heart disease, breast cancer. But we do not stop or dissuade women with a familial history of breast cancer or heart disease from having kids. Best of luck to you., You're not an ass for asking! If I had known I was likely ASD I would have been asking the same questions. My son is 3 and level 3 and non verbal but he is making progress so I don't think he will stay that way. It's emotionally really hard because I feel like I passed my autism on and it effects my son more significantly. With that said my son is a delightful boy with minimal behaviors who I love very much. For me, it's not his ASD day to day that makes things hard but it is the worry about his future, services, schools etc. I struggle significantly with anxiety. I think you have to make the decision that feels right for you ultimately but I think it's very responsible to ask these questions. I wish I had been able to do the same. I also would have felt better if I knew it was a possibility opposed to it being a complete shock., My son (ASD lvl 1) is the only one on either side of our families that is diagnosed. There might be undiagnosed ADHD but no one with autism. I have another NT toddler and am pregnant with number 3. I can only comment on how it impacts a marriage, for us it’s brought us closer, we are a team and we will do anything for our little guy. If he was high needs I’m sure that would put additional strain on a relationship. I would speak to your bf and ensure you are on the same page on how you would parent and support a child with ASD, there is no telling what level of support they may require etc. As parents we just don’t want our children’s lives to be harder than necessary, we just want them to be happy. That being said many NT people can still struggle with mental health or addiction, there is no guarantee our children will not face certain hardships. So in my eyes, yes the challenges of our NT and ASD children will be different, it doesn’t change the fact we will support them both in the best ways we can., Counter question, you say you were always lashing out and abusive to your mom. When and why did it stop?, There are no studies. That being said, my husband sees a therapist through "my autistic therpist" and she runs a coaching support group for autistic parents (as in you have ASD and you have kids). The fee is pretty nominal and might help with some of your fears. The coaching is available worldwide. My husband's therapist is autistic herself and has kids and is married, so her perspective is very authentic. About the divorce rate, also know that asd divorce rates (where a spouse has asd) is also 80 percent regardless of having kids, so just know that's there too. In my marriage my asd spouse's executive dysfunction and alexithymia are huge issues...and I say that as someone with adhd who understands executive dysfunction. I'd really recommend all books by John gottman to you. He explains exactly what's expected in a marital relationship at a level thats helpful for people with alexithymia. My asd husband just didn't understand a lot....and didn't seek out solutions. He just melted down and got defensive, which isn't an appropriate when your partner expresses a need or feeling...so i do feel like untreated asd alone is a huge marital issue. That being said, it's simply a matter of treating your own symptoms well to be successful with both, so with both parenting and marriage it's definitely worthwhile to get a handle on all your symptoms and use all the resources out there to the fullest extent you can (DBT, coaching, aba, apps for executive dysfunction, a planner, a white board etc)., A documentary I just watched with my autistic kid that I'd highly recommend if you want a bit of a look at becoming an autistic parent together with an allistic parent is Expecting Amy. Granted, the autistic parent in this scenario isn't the one pregnant, but it goes pretty in-depth with how this couple deals with a very difficult pregnancy with one of the parents being autistic and getting diagnosed in the middle of the pregnancy as well., Undiagnosed autistic mom of 2 kids (one diagnosed, one not) here. My SO is classically on the spectrum, also undiagnosed. I would say that kids were a net positive for our family, but the first 4 years were bloody HARD and resource expensive. There's some stuff like early intervention that's available free from the state, but kids generally need more than the bare minimum of therapy they offer. Our marriage is solid, but I will say that things could have gone A LOT worse if we still drank like we did before the kids (both SO and I went sober at the first pregnancy.) If you are in a position where your mental and financial health is such that you can swing the care of a baby alone, go for it. When you think about it, it's as basic as survival of the fittest. If you are holding your own in adulthood as an autistic person, chances are, your kid will too. They also have a high chance of being ASD. Which isn't inherently a bad thing. My SO is the most brilliant, hard working and ethical person I know, if our kids turn out anything like him, the world will be a better place for it., I think if you don’t know where the desire to have biological children comes from you should start with those feelings. If you’re on the fence about that you might want to see a therapist and work through what your actual feelings are about having children regardless of whether they are NT or ND., I don’t mean to simplify this too much, but aside from the concern of passing on ASD, which idk has been proven to be genetic, you really need to decide if having a kid is really something you even want. Your post seems to lean towards not, more so than yes. And that’s perfectly okay bc parenthood isn’t for everyone. I have plenty of friends that have chosen to live their lives without being a parent, but if that’s your true desire, you just need to be upfront with your partner. There may be consequences to that decision, but becoming a parent can have consequences that you don’t want either. Parenthood can be great, and it can also be hell. Anyone that tells you it’s all roses isn’t being honest with you or themselves. Parenting is hard with or without a child with ASD. It can be physically and mentally exhausting, and it’s a huge financial burden for those without sufficient medical coverage and finances. I’m not saying this to scare you, simply being realistic. I have three kids and live them all to death. My middle is ASD and was extremely challenging in the early years, but now he’s doing well. My youngest, not ASD, is an absolute handful most days and constantly challenges her mother and I. There aren’t ASD kids and non-ASD kids, they’re all just kids that come with any random assortment of personalities. I truly hope you find the answers you came here looking for and make the best choice for you. Best of luck!, I say this lovingly as a 49 year old mom of 6, with a son with level 3 autism. If having a child like Cash would be your worst nightmare, don't have kids. You have no control over what child you may have and once you have a child you can't "un have" them. So, until you are at peace about fully accepting and embracing whatever kind of child you have, challenges and all, don't have a child. Although Cash is an extreme case and none of us know much about his true history or what is really going on, I have worked with quite a few kiddos who rival Cash's intensity. It is uncommon, but not THAT uncommon. Here is the advice I gave my daughters, who are right around your age: Never have a child because your man wants one. There is a good chance that you will carry the bulk of the mental and physical load with any child you have. Only have a child if you are prepared to do everything for that child. You never know what kind of parent someone will be until they become one. Before you conceive anyone, please sit and think about whether you are ready for the level of selflessness parenting requires and how you will feel if you have to do it yourself. Even if your boyfriend is the most wonderful person in the world right now, that doesn't mean it is going to translate into being willing to share parenting responsibilities in a way that feels equitable to you. It doesn't matter if he loves kids, if kids love him, if he adores baby animals, etc. There is no experience that can adequately prepare you for becoming a parent. It is quite a ride! Believe it or not, I love being a parent. I have been a parent for 30 years. But I can't sit here and not be honest with you. Parenting is the hardest job you will ever do. It is also the best, in my opinion. But hard. I just want to make sure that you make the decision to have children because you truly want to have children and that you go in without expectation. Read these threads and see how many people say things like "this isn't how I imagined my life would be". That is some deep sadness., The fact is we don't know. We know there is a strong genetic component, but there are also tons of cases where its seemingly not genetic. You can get genetic testing, but there are only a handful of identified mutations that have positively been linked. That is your best bet, and yet you are likely to just get a shrug. All four of our children are autistic. We are 99% sure it came from my wife. She herself got diagnosed level 1 ASD last year. With our experience now and all that we've learned we are 99% certain her father is autistic as well. I'm sure undiagnosed cases are rampant in his family. But the genetic testing points to two mutations inherited from her that are "not statistically significant". If we had known all this prior to having children, we really would not know if she would have passed it on. Are either of your parents autistic? Or even suspected? If not, then even if it is genetic it seems not to be dominant and who the heck knows., I was diagnosed with Asperger's as a kid and I was also aggressive and my mom fixed that fast in me at age 16 when she told me I could no longer live at home if I make the whole house unsafe. No more me being aggressive ever. It's a matter of why kids with autism are aggressive and why they do it and if they do that only at home or everywhere. If only at home, let's not make the home safe place for them to be aggressive or they will be sent away or arrested for assault or they lose privileges. I have a son with ASD lv 1 which would have been AS if that were still a diagnoses. He isn't aggressive and would get into trouble if he tried. I never made my home a safe place for him to be aggressive and he knows this. If he got aggressive because he got angry I would tell him it's okay to be upset and angry and he is entitled to his feelings but he has no right to abuse us and the house and the furniture and he will lose his video games if he gets abusive. I tell him he can beat a pillow or a stuffed animal but no throwing. I totally get it, he gets overloaded with negative feelings so he acts out so I did the same too and I just have emotional outbursts than aggression. I had lot of it as a teen so I acted out aggressively and my family wasn't helping. They just basically abandoned me emotionally and made it all be my fault for my feelings and all they did was make my anxiety worse so I had more behavior. But I didn't dare to do it at school and I only had outbursts than aggression. My son has them at school too and has flipped over a table or chair knowing you can't break those and no one is going to get hurt if he turns it over. He just gets sent out to the pod where he can calm down. Just as long as my son has his dad's phone or uses mine, he is okay in public. Same as on long car rides. He also has ADHD. First pregnancy was easy for me and the second one was difficult. He was easy in my pregnancy but I went through 8 hrs of labor and I had an epidural and gave vaginal birth but it took me 45 minutes of pushing for him to come out. Second one, my daughter pushed on my organs and rib cage and labor contractions where sharper and she came so fast, I was not able to have an epidural so I have a natural delivery and pushed her out in like 15 seconds but had 3rd degree tear. I didn't even feel her come out, I only felt intense pressure down there. It took the doctor 20 minutes to stitch me back up down there. I was sore down there after the first delivery but felt nothing down there after the second delivery. My son was very sweet to his sister and liked showing her everything and playing with her and talking to her so he basically did my job for me by giving her attention she needed and he would even tell me when she was awake or stinky and he was finally fully potty trained because he wanted to show her how to go potty. He was never jealous. I also told him he was a good brother. He never showed aggression towards her like he did to his peers at school so he had a aid with him and early intervention. He was placed under developmental delay in preschool and then autism when he started kindergarten but he didn't get medically diagnosed until he was 12. He only had educational autism on his IEP and his school felt he needed a medical diagnoses so they can support him more. &#x200B; My son has been a challenge at times and would do anything to get out of doing stuff he doesn't want to do and during Covid it was very tough. he simply didn't want to do school work at home and would pretend he couldn't use a keyboard and purposely mess up and me and my husband had to be contestant and stick with it and not do the work for him. I would take away electronics for the day and he could only get them back if he did remote learning. My husband had him stand in the corner if he didn't do his school work. I also found out he wanted to be a game designer so I told him only way he can be one when he grew up was if he did his school work so he can go to high school and graduate and then go to college. He also wouldn't learn to read so me and my husband refused to read everything in video games for him and we told him if he knew how to read, he would know what it says and we can't be reading everything to him whenever he plays a video game. He learned to read and he finally started doing school work, we had to find a way to get him motivated. He still refused to learn to tie his shoes but we pick our battles, there are lot of shoes that are laceless so we never bothered. If he sees a reason to learn it, he will. I think with me being ND as well, I never had to take classes or take my son to different doctors to figure out how to parent him like mine did. And times have changed so schools get funding now for each ASD kid so they help them now and it makes it easier on the parents. Might depend on the state as well. Where I live, schools get funding. We didn't have this when I was a kid so it was harder for me and my parents had to advocate for me and fight to get them to follow my IEP and had to get an attorney involved and my psychologist. Schools will do anything to save money if there is no funding., I wasn't accepting of the peers or the psychologist that thought i was autistic until after my son was diagnosed so ymmv. However, being his mom has been a huge lesson in self acceptance for me. It was very rough at first. Especially, getting to the diagnosis and not knowing if he'd be verbal or not. He's only 2 1/2 so there's still plenty of unknowns, but in someways he's much easier then nt kids and in some ways he's a lot harder. I hated pregnancy. Childbirth wasn't horrible (i got an epidural), but after pregnancy your body changes a lot and, in my experience, not in a positive way. My husband and i fight, like most husbands and wives, but nothing more than your typical arguments and our marriage is solid. We also both want more kids. If you have anything i didn't cover or want to ask something else, i'll respond as best i can., If you have an enduring support network that can meet you wherever you are, that’s important. Also financial stability. And your partner needs to be fully on board for being a fully autonomous parent. And your space should be sensory affirming. If you’ve already made steps to make it comfy for you, chances are your kids will be similar. Basically, you need to plan for all the same things you would for an NT child. And good news! If you plan your space for a sensory seeking or avoiding child, chances are an NT child will also thrive there. Autism is a developmental disorder and may appear differently in different people, but I have found that within families, a lot of the same traits tend to be passed on. You need to be super aware of your own triggers and have strategies on how to manage them without taking them out on your child. A lot of these strategies work double duty because you can often teach your children how to do them too. Developmentally, it also means that you tend to mature in different ways at different times. When I was in my 20’s, I felt like a teenager in a lot of ways, a kid in some ways, but an adult in others. It was very confusing at the time. When both my kids were diagnosed with autism, I also did some digging and found out that my parents had gotten me diagnosed when I was very young, but decided I would grow out of it if they were just super harsh on me. Spoiler: I am still autistic. I did have to spend a lot of time with them working on controlling their voice level. Both of them went through a very upsetting period of vocal stimming via screaming. That wasn’t great. But with time, they pretty much grew out of it. Both are very creative and thoughtful. They did need ieps in school to help them with speech and occupational therapy, but my eldest has “graduated” from her iep and is nearly completed with her social skills classes. If all goes well, she graduates in a few months from the program entirely, though I have been assured that she can see a nd-affirming therapist for social emotional wellness as needed. All in all, it wasn’t exactly harder to raise autistic kids. It was just harder in certain ways but easier in others when compared to Nt kids. For example, when they were younger, I could get laundry done more easily because they’d just hang out in one place focused on an activity. But at the park, they would literally just run towards danger without even thinking so I had to stay on my toes. Basically, theres always a chance your child will have special needs, so have a plan and a support group are the most important things., It's hard to say if you'd pass down autism. In my case my grandmother on my mom's side has a sister. My grandma had my mom and my aunt ( full sisters) and they function in society as neurotypical, they have never been diagnosed but they are in their 60s and autism wasn't all that known back then if they were functioning in society, but I can tell you my mom definitely might fit into what you would expect a level 1 would be. My mom then had me and my brother who both function in society as neurotypical. My grandmas sister had a level 3 non verbal boy on the spectrum. And now here I am and I have 4 kids and my 3rd child (but first boy) is non communicative and has very little receptive language. So in some people's mind , my situation would suggest autism could have technically jumped 2 generations -skipping my mom, skipping me, and then right to my boy. Its hard to say. I have 4 kids though and my last one it's too early to tell if he has autism yet. So if he doesn't have autism then I have 1/4 kids with autism. He does than I have 2/4. I know this doesn't really give you an answer, but just a little story to help you in your own research!, Hi! Sooo Autism is definitely genetics and just because no one in your family is diagnosed doesn't mean there aren't any! :-) That being said, I was recently diagnosed at 27, I have 2 kids, both of which have autism and are on various degrees of the spectrum. It's a big change in your life and if you do decide to take this step, please make sure you have all the help in the world you can get! Family, friends, counselors, therapists, anybody who can help and think and make the process easier, do so! But also.. Grow a thick skin? Because becoming a mom means following your own gut and trusting yourself which is something I wasn't good at when I first became a mom. But it grows on you! And now I am a pro! Being pregnant was exciting and scary at the same time. I never felt more in touch with my body as when I was pregnant, but then in the end everything gets uncomfortable and its sensory overload 24/7. Giving birth hurts, but is it worth it in the end? Always know your options and research what YOU feel most comfortable with. Not what your mother, boyfriend or next door neighbor wants for your delivery. Also, it can be very intense. Sensory wise it's hell. Raising autistic kids before I knew they were autistic was a battle and I sadly had my 4 year old end up in a burn out. It wasn't until we got her diagnosis and we got the right help and she is now a loud, happy, bright and colorful 7 year old that shows the world who's the boss! If you know you have autism (I didn't at the time.) You are already a step ahead. As soon as your kid starts showing signs you know it's time to get them seen and guide them as best as you would have wanted to be guided at the time! After we learned about our first child's diagnosis we did everything to understand her, help her regulate and help ourselves to stay regulated. Since then, we seldom have melt downs. When it comes to what level of autism your child is going to have it doesn't really matter. For all you know you end up with a neurotypical child that struggles with things too. You will have to learn to navigate when the time comes. The part about understanding why your boyfriend doesn't want to adopt.. I guess preference? But with that situation too.. An adopted child might have trauma. Trauma can be displayed in many ways and that is then a case you will have to learn to navigate. I see your boyfriend has ADHD and you do too. So you know the baby could end up with ADHD as well. I have both ADHD and autism too and I really wouldn't say one is worse than the other. They have a lot of co-morbidities that could make things "more difficult" and it's not so black and white that neurotypical children or another neurotype is easier to deal with than autism. I would like to end with: having babies isn't a bad thing. Having autistic babies isn't a bad thing. Being an autistic mother isn't a bad thing. BUT, you seem worried, and you seem scared and if you were my daughter telling me what you wrote here, I would tell you: don't do it. Atleast? Not now. And if your boyfriend is very "pushy" about wanting kids some day, then please think long and hard if this is the person you want to stay with. Having kids because someone else wants them is ALWAYS a bad idea. And having kids isn't as easy as summing up neurotypes and figuring out how big the chances are of them getting one or the other. Regardless of neurotype, all kids struggle, all kids have hard parts in growing up and all parents go through that. Only you know yourself best if you could handle all the above. ❤️, Not diagnosed but pretty sure I am autistic. My autistic 4.5 year old definitely causes me to get over stimulated frequently. The constant noise is hard. When they get into a very touchy phase and want to crawl all over me and pet me it makes me feel like I'm gonna explode. I unfortunately do sometimes yell when I am at my limit with noises or touching and have to distance myself. Plus side is I understand a good portion of what they are going through with noise sensitivity, textural issues, anger issues because of over stimulation. The different types of therapy has helped me find my own coping skills., I’m ADHD, but not autistic. My daughter is level 1, diagnosed autistic and likely will catch an adhd diagnosis when she turns 4. If I really thought about it prior- my spouse is likely undiagnosed level 1. Even if he had been diagnosed prior to us deciding to have a child, I still think I would have gone ahead and had a kid with him. Now- this is coming from someone with a child that, by the experts guess, is likely to be low support needs. While parenting an autistic child does come with some challenges, my experience is that there is way more I love and enjoy about my daughter than that I find challenging. She is literally the light of my life. I say this as she eats pasta and smears red sauce all over creation. Pasta for dinner is always an awful mess, but it’s a safe food and I can sneak veggies in with it so it stays in the rotation., I’m AuDHD and I have two asd kids and one possibly NT kid. My son is on waitlist to be assessed for adhd. Obviously I am level one and I think my son is level 2 and my daughter level 1.5. I would never know I had asd until I have kids. That explains why I felt like an alien and couldn’t even fit in at school and I barely have any close friends. Women and girls are not diagnosed in the 90’s to 00’s so I missed the radar., There is no history of Autism in my family, so it's not hereditary in my case. But I was an older mom, with gestational diabeties, and a history of MDD and anxiety, and habe two kids with ASD level 1. I would have a conversation with your boyfriend and a genetics counselor or MD. They will explain to you both in layman's terms the likelihood of having a kid with ASD, and that there is no guarentee of what kind of ASD support level that may be., Ya I didn’t know my “quirks” were autism traits till my son was getting diagnosed. He is just a more extreme version of me…. I’m 40 and basically my mom knew there was something but didn’t know what. They tested me every few years and nothing ever materialized. As an adult a dermatologist said I had OCD, went to a psychiatrist and he confirmed I had that, then as I got older my anxiety was getting worse and I was having panic attacks and my doctor asked if I had been tested for ADHD and I said as a kid and she said things have changed. I have severe ADHD which caused issues for the OCD and anxiety. It’s a wicked little cycle that feeds into each other. Been on max dose ADHD meds which got me off the 3 anxiety meds I was on and then I go on and off meds as needed for the OCD. I have always had hyper mobility, if it can be dislocated I’ve done it. I’m clumsy and have always said I was the queen of minor injuries. I get very focused and obsessive on topics and consume nothing but that and only want to talk about it. Friends are hard to make and keep. I’m an extroverted introvert, it’s hard to get me out but then I’m social when out but I can’t socialize properly. I know this but I can’t do it right, it sucks. When my son was getting tested and I was reading up on things A lot was me and he still is just a more extreme version of me. I find it helps me parent him. I don’t get overwhelmed like everyone else when they watch him. It’s like I’m in his head so I know what is going to bother him or what he’s thinking of doing before he does it. I can warn him if I know a sound bothers me and he covers his ears because I know it will bother him. I can see things in a store that I know he will be drawn to and can navigate it. I know what clothing he will or won’t like. I know which blankets he prefers. The only thing he doesn’t trust me fully on yet is foods. I know what he will and won’t like. But he don’t try a lot of things because he is so visual. But he’s learning to trust me, he closes his eyes and takes a nibble but it’s slow going. So for me yes my kid is level 2 non verbal autistic (he turned 4 in December) but being his mom is very easy. Dealing with all his “things” doesn’t affect me the same as others. During his assessments they are always asking how we are doing and how our son is very active and a hand full and it’s fine. He is me and I can handle me. I don’t know how else to explain it., Looks like there's a flood of us who didn't recognize autism in themselves until their kid(s) were diagnosed, I'm in that boat as well. But my kid is friggin awesome. Legitimately the coolest little human I've ever met, all the stuff I got chastised for are the things I love best about her. I love that I can understand her on a level that my parents didn't understand me, and I love giving her the childhood I didn't get. I'm sure I'll make mistakes, I'm sure it will be hard (really fckin hard) at times, but I have zero regrets., All I'm gonna say is that my husband and I are the same kind of Autistic. Our son, isn't. A lot of his stims are our triggers, and it can be very difficult to keep calm., My husband is likely autistic. We are both ADHD. Both of our kids have ADHD and one is autistic. The ADHD is the more brutal one at this point but that’s because our autistic one is still so young and level 1., I don’t think the 80% divorce rate is true, I am not able to find a legit source for that, I don't think being autistic is a bad thing. Autistic people do awesome stuff in life. My kiddos are autistic and they are the best., If you can adopt, that is one other option., Pardon my ignorance but why do we think that autism is genetic or otherwise heritable?, That feeling of never fitting in. Never being understood. Being an outsider. Feeling out of step with everyone. It all makes so much more sense now., Same! So many of my mental health issues are explained by autism., Same. This is why I don’t recommend having kids, really to anyone., Same!, I suppose that makes a lot of sense I’ve definitely spent years talking about this in therapy. I replied to my comment kind of about my childhood but yeah id say some of the things that i was put through definitely still affect me today even though im in a really great place. You seem like an amazing mom your daughter is really lucky to have you, Same! I didn't know I was autistic or get diagnosed until after my son was diagnosed and I noticed a ton of similarities between him and I. He is level 3. But my younger daughter has shown no signs of autism. I think it's just a gamble. But if I had to do it again, I would. My son is absolutely wonderful and I'm not sad about him having autism. Like you said, it's not a deadly disease., I was put in a lot of therapies and medications against my will since as young as 5 years old. Id be seeing specialist after specialist week after week just to try to get me “fixed” where i genuinely hated my mother for the majority of my life and I’ve always resented my family because my siblings are two like golden children and i was used as an “example” a lot. I hated being autistic and hated myself most of my life. My relationship with my mom improved once i started to actively try to heal my trauma and move on from my past and once i was less angry i was kinder to my family and i was lucky enough to have them be receptive to that. Over the past year for the first time in my life i feel like im actually a part of the family. I cant remember the last time there was any kind of conflict or when anyone yelled. But a big part of that was because of my boyfriend. He loves me so much for who i am and has made me see myself in such a positive light and he makes me want to be a better person. We’re moving out together soon too :) sorry for the tangent, I want to, but my boyfriend wants his genes passed down., Autism frequently runs in families and in identical twins I believe autism occurs close to 90% for the other twin if one twin has it. Autism isn't just one thing caused by one gene though so the genetics are complicated. Most studies I have seen put autism at 80% genetics and 20% environmental influences. Also, in some cases ASD can be caused by a de novo mutation not passed down by either parent, but a new mutation in the individuals genes. Many families who have genetic testing done come up with nothing not because they don't have a gene implicated in autism but rather the gene has not been identified yet. All this to say the genetics of autism are very complicated but most research agrees it is strongly genetic. Anecdotally, I realized after my son was diagnosed that I am probably on the spectrum with lower support needs, as are a few other people in my family. From what I read on here this seems pretty common., It’s like you’re reading my mind, I'm a big proponent of processing childhood trauma and making sure you have really strong emotional regulation/ coping skills before having kids. Otherwise, it's very hard not to either perpetuate the same kind of dysfunction or to overcompensate too much in the opposite direction and perpetuate a different kind of dysfunction. It is possible to do things differently and create a healthy family dynamic, but being a cycle breaker is SO HARD, especially if you don't have a supportive family behind you. You don't have to be perfectly regulated at all times, but if you're already struggling with regulation, having kids will make it much, much worse. Speaking from experience here... don't be like me and ignore the trauma and then have a mental breakdown and spend years dissociated and barely making it through the day (covid isolation and being in a dysfunctional relationship also played a part here). I started trauma therapy a year ago, and things are much better now. I'm also getting divorced (hooray!), [deleted], There is a strong genetic component to autism, so there would be an increased likelihood that your children would be autistic. There are also many stories of "lower support needs" parents having "high support needs" children, so that is something you would need to decide if you would be mentally and financially able to deal with. It is far, far from a certainty, but something you need to weigh out. What would happen if you ended up with a child who could never live independently. Is that a deal breaker for you? Is it a deal breaker for your SO? As I said, that is far from a certainty. It's just an increased risk out there. Especially if both you and your partner are ND. My daughter is level 1 and the more we learn about her, the more we grow to believe my husband is undiagnosed level 1 himself (he was diagnosed with a number of learning disabilities in the 90s, but under the modern criteria, we are pretty darn sure he would have been labeled autistic if being evaluated now). His mother is also pretty certain now that her father was looking back on it. Since one of my daughter's cousins on that side is also recently diagnosed, we're pretty darn sure where that came down genetically. That cousin's sister is also diagnosed ADHD, so of all the cousins on that side, we're 3 for 3 being ND. My husband and I personally have decided to be one and done because we don't feel we have the mental capacity to give another child the life they deserve, and we are able to pay for all the different therapies my daughter needs (money would be hella tight if we ended up with two kids needing therapies--especially since there's no guarantee a second wouldn't potentially have more issues. They could be NT of course, but we want to be able to provide the best we can for our daughter and don't want to gamble on that). When it comes to parenting, you can never know what you're going to come up against. My friends just lost their daughter to a heart defect that was just a fluke of nature. It happens. But you need to weigh your own personal abilities against the different likelihoods., >I remember not even just as a kid but well into my teen years i was so abusive to my mom. Id scream id yell at her saying i hate her. My siblings resented me for most of their lives because i could never handle being out for long and wed have to leave things early and I was always having loud sometimes violent meltdowns. I was constantly having problems with the school and peers and behavioral issues both at school and home. Id lash out all of the time and I was honestly miserable myself. I pretty much sucked the life out of my family and sometimes i think about how easier their lives wouldve been if it were just them and my neurotypical siblings. I really do not want to be in the position my mom was in. I have a great relationship with my family now and I don’t blame them cause everyone has their limits. I can't tell you whether or not you should have kids, but it really sounds like you would benefit a lot from trauma therapy. Your "constant behavioural problems" are what happens when a person has a chronically dysregulated nervous system. Years of chronic dysregulation causes trauma, even when nothing obviously "Traumatic" happened during that time. Being in a chronic state of fight or flight, not having the skills or resources to get out of it (because you were a child) and feeling like an outsider in your own family is real trauma. My older kid reminds me a lot of my older brother who sounds similar to you as a child, but possibly more violent and abusive towards his siblings. Once I realized she was autistic (at 2.5), I was absolutely terrified of every horrible thing that happened in my childhood repeating itself. She's only 5.5 now and she's the sweetest kid! She has a ton of anxiety and sometimes has bad meltdowns, but life is so much better and easier than I thought it would be, considering how bad my childhood was. I parent very differently than my parents and I focus on connection and regulation. My kids are thriving., Generally speaking, anything goes when you decide to have kids. Your child might not have autism but could still be neurodivergent with its own set of challenges. Or they could have medical issues that are hard. Or they could be “perfect” and get into an accident later on in life and you have to take care of them long term. Nobody knows unfortunately. Having a kid is stressful. Having a child with additional needs is usually more stressful. You definitely need to be 100% onboard with it., I think a geneticist can help determine your risk factor. Pregnancy and childbirth is doable. The parts you can control and help are to take good care of your health and find good medical care. (US). If there’s a good chance of having a child with ADHD or Autism, absolutely pay attention to the school system where you plan to live after your child is 3yrs. Prior to age 3yr it’s early intervention for any help which usually is county determined. Every child and every parent is different, I don’t think anyone can really prepare you. One thing that does help with parenting are things like babysitting or learning about child development., My dad was autistic. He was never diagnosed, as no one knew what autism even was back then, but when my daughter was diagnosed in the 90s (and diagnosing was still pretty new then, especially for girls), it all became clear to me. My youngest brother is likely autistic too. Maybe my oldest. I wonder if knowing when I was younger would have helped. Dad was a great guy, big heart, giving, but had some really difficult unusual behaviors that were way, way different from other dads, for sure. He sometimes drove others crazy and had pretty much no friends, but I don't think many people actively disliked him, because he was such a good guy. And he was smart. He could fix anything, and kids would bring him their bikes, toys, lawnmowers, even cars, and he'd just do it. Gratefully. Happy to help! I remember a friend parked her car in our drive once when she visited me, and when she came out my dad tells her, "I saw you needed your oil changed. I took care of it for you." Every Halloween he'd make batches of his famous fudge and everyone knew to come to his house to get it (50 years later I'd have people mention that to me). He was a good dad. I have 4 siblings. All 5 of us have an autistic child. So yeah, it's hereditary. They're all high functioning. Just like anyone thinking of having kids, consider yourself, your partner, and your resources, and that's what you use to make the decision. Can you care for a child? Do you want to? It's a forever job. Will you love them? Can you reasonably afford them? Good luck., Chances are you are not the only autistic person in your family even though some may be undiagnosed. No one, not even a geneticist can predict the chance of you having an autistic child because autism is very heterogenous. I think you should have a child if you want to have a child. Are you planning to marry/have children with your boyfriend in the very near future? Your boyfriend may want to volunteer with autistic children to get an idea of the different ways autism can look. I always tell my friends that don’t have children to open their mind because you don’t know what kind of child you will have. A diagnosed autistic person should procreate with the mindset, “I’d be okay if my child had autism” because there’s a very real chance it could occur., I’m autistic and have two children. One is autistic, one is not. If you want to have children then have them. Autism is not a deadly disease. Everything is genetic, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, heart disease, breast cancer. But we do not stop or dissuade women with a familial history of breast cancer or heart disease from having kids. Best of luck to you., You're not an ass for asking! If I had known I was likely ASD I would have been asking the same questions. My son is 3 and level 3 and non verbal but he is making progress so I don't think he will stay that way. It's emotionally really hard because I feel like I passed my autism on and it effects my son more significantly. With that said my son is a delightful boy with minimal behaviors who I love very much. For me, it's not his ASD day to day that makes things hard but it is the worry about his future, services, schools etc. I struggle significantly with anxiety. I think you have to make the decision that feels right for you ultimately but I think it's very responsible to ask these questions. I wish I had been able to do the same. I also would have felt better if I knew it was a possibility opposed to it being a complete shock., My son (ASD lvl 1) is the only one on either side of our families that is diagnosed. There might be undiagnosed ADHD but no one with autism. I have another NT toddler and am pregnant with number 3. I can only comment on how it impacts a marriage, for us it’s brought us closer, we are a team and we will do anything for our little guy. If he was high needs I’m sure that would put additional strain on a relationship. I would speak to your bf and ensure you are on the same page on how you would parent and support a child with ASD, there is no telling what level of support they may require etc. As parents we just don’t want our children’s lives to be harder than necessary, we just want them to be happy. That being said many NT people can still struggle with mental health or addiction, there is no guarantee our children will not face certain hardships. So in my eyes, yes the challenges of our NT and ASD children will be different, it doesn’t change the fact we will support them both in the best ways we can., Counter question, you say you were always lashing out and abusive to your mom. When and why did it stop?, There are no studies. That being said, my husband sees a therapist through "my autistic therpist" and she runs a coaching support group for autistic parents (as in you have ASD and you have kids). The fee is pretty nominal and might help with some of your fears. The coaching is available worldwide. My husband's therapist is autistic herself and has kids and is married, so her perspective is very authentic. About the divorce rate, also know that asd divorce rates (where a spouse has asd) is also 80 percent regardless of having kids, so just know that's there too. In my marriage my asd spouse's executive dysfunction and alexithymia are huge issues...and I say that as someone with adhd who understands executive dysfunction. I'd really recommend all books by John gottman to you. He explains exactly what's expected in a marital relationship at a level thats helpful for people with alexithymia. My asd husband just didn't understand a lot....and didn't seek out solutions. He just melted down and got defensive, which isn't an appropriate when your partner expresses a need or feeling...so i do feel like untreated asd alone is a huge marital issue. That being said, it's simply a matter of treating your own symptoms well to be successful with both, so with both parenting and marriage it's definitely worthwhile to get a handle on all your symptoms and use all the resources out there to the fullest extent you can (DBT, coaching, aba, apps for executive dysfunction, a planner, a white board etc)., A documentary I just watched with my autistic kid that I'd highly recommend if you want a bit of a look at becoming an autistic parent together with an allistic parent is Expecting Amy. Granted, the autistic parent in this scenario isn't the one pregnant, but it goes pretty in-depth with how this couple deals with a very difficult pregnancy with one of the parents being autistic and getting diagnosed in the middle of the pregnancy as well., Undiagnosed autistic mom of 2 kids (one diagnosed, one not) here. My SO is classically on the spectrum, also undiagnosed. I would say that kids were a net positive for our family, but the first 4 years were bloody HARD and resource expensive. There's some stuff like early intervention that's available free from the state, but kids generally need more than the bare minimum of therapy they offer. Our marriage is solid, but I will say that things could have gone A LOT worse if we still drank like we did before the kids (both SO and I went sober at the first pregnancy.) If you are in a position where your mental and financial health is such that you can swing the care of a baby alone, go for it. When you think about it, it's as basic as survival of the fittest. If you are holding your own in adulthood as an autistic person, chances are, your kid will too. They also have a high chance of being ASD. Which isn't inherently a bad thing. My SO is the most brilliant, hard working and ethical person I know, if our kids turn out anything like him, the world will be a better place for it., I think if you don’t know where the desire to have biological children comes from you should start with those feelings. If you’re on the fence about that you might want to see a therapist and work through what your actual feelings are about having children regardless of whether they are NT or ND., I don’t mean to simplify this too much, but aside from the concern of passing on ASD, which idk has been proven to be genetic, you really need to decide if having a kid is really something you even want. Your post seems to lean towards not, more so than yes. And that’s perfectly okay bc parenthood isn’t for everyone. I have plenty of friends that have chosen to live their lives without being a parent, but if that’s your true desire, you just need to be upfront with your partner. There may be consequences to that decision, but becoming a parent can have consequences that you don’t want either. Parenthood can be great, and it can also be hell. Anyone that tells you it’s all roses isn’t being honest with you or themselves. Parenting is hard with or without a child with ASD. It can be physically and mentally exhausting, and it’s a huge financial burden for those without sufficient medical coverage and finances. I’m not saying this to scare you, simply being realistic. I have three kids and live them all to death. My middle is ASD and was extremely challenging in the early years, but now he’s doing well. My youngest, not ASD, is an absolute handful most days and constantly challenges her mother and I. There aren’t ASD kids and non-ASD kids, they’re all just kids that come with any random assortment of personalities. I truly hope you find the answers you came here looking for and make the best choice for you. Best of luck!, I say this lovingly as a 49 year old mom of 6, with a son with level 3 autism. If having a child like Cash would be your worst nightmare, don't have kids. You have no control over what child you may have and once you have a child you can't "un have" them. So, until you are at peace about fully accepting and embracing whatever kind of child you have, challenges and all, don't have a child. Although Cash is an extreme case and none of us know much about his true history or what is really going on, I have worked with quite a few kiddos who rival Cash's intensity. It is uncommon, but not THAT uncommon. Here is the advice I gave my daughters, who are right around your age: Never have a child because your man wants one. There is a good chance that you will carry the bulk of the mental and physical load with any child you have. Only have a child if you are prepared to do everything for that child. You never know what kind of parent someone will be until they become one. Before you conceive anyone, please sit and think about whether you are ready for the level of selflessness parenting requires and how you will feel if you have to do it yourself. Even if your boyfriend is the most wonderful person in the world right now, that doesn't mean it is going to translate into being willing to share parenting responsibilities in a way that feels equitable to you. It doesn't matter if he loves kids, if kids love him, if he adores baby animals, etc. There is no experience that can adequately prepare you for becoming a parent. It is quite a ride! Believe it or not, I love being a parent. I have been a parent for 30 years. But I can't sit here and not be honest with you. Parenting is the hardest job you will ever do. It is also the best, in my opinion. But hard. I just want to make sure that you make the decision to have children because you truly want to have children and that you go in without expectation. Read these threads and see how many people say things like "this isn't how I imagined my life would be". That is some deep sadness., The fact is we don't know. We know there is a strong genetic component, but there are also tons of cases where its seemingly not genetic. You can get genetic testing, but there are only a handful of identified mutations that have positively been linked. That is your best bet, and yet you are likely to just get a shrug. All four of our children are autistic. We are 99% sure it came from my wife. She herself got diagnosed level 1 ASD last year. With our experience now and all that we've learned we are 99% certain her father is autistic as well. I'm sure undiagnosed cases are rampant in his family. But the genetic testing points to two mutations inherited from her that are "not statistically significant". If we had known all this prior to having children, we really would not know if she would have passed it on. Are either of your parents autistic? Or even suspected? If not, then even if it is genetic it seems not to be dominant and who the heck knows., I was diagnosed with Asperger's as a kid and I was also aggressive and my mom fixed that fast in me at age 16 when she told me I could no longer live at home if I make the whole house unsafe. No more me being aggressive ever. It's a matter of why kids with autism are aggressive and why they do it and if they do that only at home or everywhere. If only at home, let's not make the home safe place for them to be aggressive or they will be sent away or arrested for assault or they lose privileges. I have a son with ASD lv 1 which would have been AS if that were still a diagnoses. He isn't aggressive and would get into trouble if he tried. I never made my home a safe place for him to be aggressive and he knows this. If he got aggressive because he got angry I would tell him it's okay to be upset and angry and he is entitled to his feelings but he has no right to abuse us and the house and the furniture and he will lose his video games if he gets abusive. I tell him he can beat a pillow or a stuffed animal but no throwing. I totally get it, he gets overloaded with negative feelings so he acts out so I did the same too and I just have emotional outbursts than aggression. I had lot of it as a teen so I acted out aggressively and my family wasn't helping. They just basically abandoned me emotionally and made it all be my fault for my feelings and all they did was make my anxiety worse so I had more behavior. But I didn't dare to do it at school and I only had outbursts than aggression. My son has them at school too and has flipped over a table or chair knowing you can't break those and no one is going to get hurt if he turns it over. He just gets sent out to the pod where he can calm down. Just as long as my son has his dad's phone or uses mine, he is okay in public. Same as on long car rides. He also has ADHD. First pregnancy was easy for me and the second one was difficult. He was easy in my pregnancy but I went through 8 hrs of labor and I had an epidural and gave vaginal birth but it took me 45 minutes of pushing for him to come out. Second one, my daughter pushed on my organs and rib cage and labor contractions where sharper and she came so fast, I was not able to have an epidural so I have a natural delivery and pushed her out in like 15 seconds but had 3rd degree tear. I didn't even feel her come out, I only felt intense pressure down there. It took the doctor 20 minutes to stitch me back up down there. I was sore down there after the first delivery but felt nothing down there after the second delivery. My son was very sweet to his sister and liked showing her everything and playing with her and talking to her so he basically did my job for me by giving her attention she needed and he would even tell me when she was awake or stinky and he was finally fully potty trained because he wanted to show her how to go potty. He was never jealous. I also told him he was a good brother. He never showed aggression towards her like he did to his peers at school so he had a aid with him and early intervention. He was placed under developmental delay in preschool and then autism when he started kindergarten but he didn't get medically diagnosed until he was 12. He only had educational autism on his IEP and his school felt he needed a medical diagnoses so they can support him more. &#x200B; My son has been a challenge at times and would do anything to get out of doing stuff he doesn't want to do and during Covid it was very tough. he simply didn't want to do school work at home and would pretend he couldn't use a keyboard and purposely mess up and me and my husband had to be contestant and stick with it and not do the work for him. I would take away electronics for the day and he could only get them back if he did remote learning. My husband had him stand in the corner if he didn't do his school work. I also found out he wanted to be a game designer so I told him only way he can be one when he grew up was if he did his school work so he can go to high school and graduate and then go to college. He also wouldn't learn to read so me and my husband refused to read everything in video games for him and we told him if he knew how to read, he would know what it says and we can't be reading everything to him whenever he plays a video game. He learned to read and he finally started doing school work, we had to find a way to get him motivated. He still refused to learn to tie his shoes but we pick our battles, there are lot of shoes that are laceless so we never bothered. If he sees a reason to learn it, he will. I think with me being ND as well, I never had to take classes or take my son to different doctors to figure out how to parent him like mine did. And times have changed so schools get funding now for each ASD kid so they help them now and it makes it easier on the parents. Might depend on the state as well. Where I live, schools get funding. We didn't have this when I was a kid so it was harder for me and my parents had to advocate for me and fight to get them to follow my IEP and had to get an attorney involved and my psychologist. Schools will do anything to save money if there is no funding., I wasn't accepting of the peers or the psychologist that thought i was autistic until after my son was diagnosed so ymmv. However, being his mom has been a huge lesson in self acceptance for me. It was very rough at first. Especially, getting to the diagnosis and not knowing if he'd be verbal or not. He's only 2 1/2 so there's still plenty of unknowns, but in someways he's much easier then nt kids and in some ways he's a lot harder. I hated pregnancy. Childbirth wasn't horrible (i got an epidural), but after pregnancy your body changes a lot and, in my experience, not in a positive way. My husband and i fight, like most husbands and wives, but nothing more than your typical arguments and our marriage is solid. We also both want more kids. If you have anything i didn't cover or want to ask something else, i'll respond as best i can., If you have an enduring support network that can meet you wherever you are, that’s important. Also financial stability. And your partner needs to be fully on board for being a fully autonomous parent. And your space should be sensory affirming. If you’ve already made steps to make it comfy for you, chances are your kids will be similar. Basically, you need to plan for all the same things you would for an NT child. And good news! If you plan your space for a sensory seeking or avoiding child, chances are an NT child will also thrive there. Autism is a developmental disorder and may appear differently in different people, but I have found that within families, a lot of the same traits tend to be passed on. You need to be super aware of your own triggers and have strategies on how to manage them without taking them out on your child. A lot of these strategies work double duty because you can often teach your children how to do them too. Developmentally, it also means that you tend to mature in different ways at different times. When I was in my 20’s, I felt like a teenager in a lot of ways, a kid in some ways, but an adult in others. It was very confusing at the time. When both my kids were diagnosed with autism, I also did some digging and found out that my parents had gotten me diagnosed when I was very young, but decided I would grow out of it if they were just super harsh on me. Spoiler: I am still autistic. I did have to spend a lot of time with them working on controlling their voice level. Both of them went through a very upsetting period of vocal stimming via screaming. That wasn’t great. But with time, they pretty much grew out of it. Both are very creative and thoughtful. They did need ieps in school to help them with speech and occupational therapy, but my eldest has “graduated” from her iep and is nearly completed with her social skills classes. If all goes well, she graduates in a few months from the program entirely, though I have been assured that she can see a nd-affirming therapist for social emotional wellness as needed. All in all, it wasn’t exactly harder to raise autistic kids. It was just harder in certain ways but easier in others when compared to Nt kids. For example, when they were younger, I could get laundry done more easily because they’d just hang out in one place focused on an activity. But at the park, they would literally just run towards danger without even thinking so I had to stay on my toes. Basically, theres always a chance your child will have special needs, so have a plan and a support group are the most important things., It's hard to say if you'd pass down autism. In my case my grandmother on my mom's side has a sister. My grandma had my mom and my aunt ( full sisters) and they function in society as neurotypical, they have never been diagnosed but they are in their 60s and autism wasn't all that known back then if they were functioning in society, but I can tell you my mom definitely might fit into what you would expect a level 1 would be. My mom then had me and my brother who both function in society as neurotypical. My grandmas sister had a level 3 non verbal boy on the spectrum. And now here I am and I have 4 kids and my 3rd child (but first boy) is non communicative and has very little receptive language. So in some people's mind , my situation would suggest autism could have technically jumped 2 generations -skipping my mom, skipping me, and then right to my boy. Its hard to say. I have 4 kids though and my last one it's too early to tell if he has autism yet. So if he doesn't have autism then I have 1/4 kids with autism. He does than I have 2/4. I know this doesn't really give you an answer, but just a little story to help you in your own research!, Hi! Sooo Autism is definitely genetics and just because no one in your family is diagnosed doesn't mean there aren't any! :-) That being said, I was recently diagnosed at 27, I have 2 kids, both of which have autism and are on various degrees of the spectrum. It's a big change in your life and if you do decide to take this step, please make sure you have all the help in the world you can get! Family, friends, counselors, therapists, anybody who can help and think and make the process easier, do so! But also.. Grow a thick skin? Because becoming a mom means following your own gut and trusting yourself which is something I wasn't good at when I first became a mom. But it grows on you! And now I am a pro! Being pregnant was exciting and scary at the same time. I never felt more in touch with my body as when I was pregnant, but then in the end everything gets uncomfortable and its sensory overload 24/7. Giving birth hurts, but is it worth it in the end? Always know your options and research what YOU feel most comfortable with. Not what your mother, boyfriend or next door neighbor wants for your delivery. Also, it can be very intense. Sensory wise it's hell. Raising autistic kids before I knew they were autistic was a battle and I sadly had my 4 year old end up in a burn out. It wasn't until we got her diagnosis and we got the right help and she is now a loud, happy, bright and colorful 7 year old that shows the world who's the boss! If you know you have autism (I didn't at the time.) You are already a step ahead. As soon as your kid starts showing signs you know it's time to get them seen and guide them as best as you would have wanted to be guided at the time! After we learned about our first child's diagnosis we did everything to understand her, help her regulate and help ourselves to stay regulated. Since then, we seldom have melt downs. When it comes to what level of autism your child is going to have it doesn't really matter. For all you know you end up with a neurotypical child that struggles with things too. You will have to learn to navigate when the time comes. The part about understanding why your boyfriend doesn't want to adopt.. I guess preference? But with that situation too.. An adopted child might have trauma. Trauma can be displayed in many ways and that is then a case you will have to learn to navigate. I see your boyfriend has ADHD and you do too. So you know the baby could end up with ADHD as well. I have both ADHD and autism too and I really wouldn't say one is worse than the other. They have a lot of co-morbidities that could make things "more difficult" and it's not so black and white that neurotypical children or another neurotype is easier to deal with than autism. I would like to end with: having babies isn't a bad thing. Having autistic babies isn't a bad thing. Being an autistic mother isn't a bad thing. BUT, you seem worried, and you seem scared and if you were my daughter telling me what you wrote here, I would tell you: don't do it. Atleast? Not now. And if your boyfriend is very "pushy" about wanting kids some day, then please think long and hard if this is the person you want to stay with. Having kids because someone else wants them is ALWAYS a bad idea. And having kids isn't as easy as summing up neurotypes and figuring out how big the chances are of them getting one or the other. Regardless of neurotype, all kids struggle, all kids have hard parts in growing up and all parents go through that. Only you know yourself best if you could handle all the above. ❤️, Not diagnosed but pretty sure I am autistic. My autistic 4.5 year old definitely causes me to get over stimulated frequently. The constant noise is hard. When they get into a very touchy phase and want to crawl all over me and pet me it makes me feel like I'm gonna explode. I unfortunately do sometimes yell when I am at my limit with noises or touching and have to distance myself. Plus side is I understand a good portion of what they are going through with noise sensitivity, textural issues, anger issues because of over stimulation. The different types of therapy has helped me find my own coping skills., I’m ADHD, but not autistic. My daughter is level 1, diagnosed autistic and likely will catch an adhd diagnosis when she turns 4. If I really thought about it prior- my spouse is likely undiagnosed level 1. Even if he had been diagnosed prior to us deciding to have a child, I still think I would have gone ahead and had a kid with him. Now- this is coming from someone with a child that, by the experts guess, is likely to be low support needs. While parenting an autistic child does come with some challenges, my experience is that there is way more I love and enjoy about my daughter than that I find challenging. She is literally the light of my life. I say this as she eats pasta and smears red sauce all over creation. Pasta for dinner is always an awful mess, but it’s a safe food and I can sneak veggies in with it so it stays in the rotation., I’m AuDHD and I have two asd kids and one possibly NT kid. My son is on waitlist to be assessed for adhd. Obviously I am level one and I think my son is level 2 and my daughter level 1.5. I would never know I had asd until I have kids. That explains why I felt like an alien and couldn’t even fit in at school and I barely have any close friends. Women and girls are not diagnosed in the 90’s to 00’s so I missed the radar., There is no history of Autism in my family, so it's not hereditary in my case. But I was an older mom, with gestational diabeties, and a history of MDD and anxiety, and habe two kids with ASD level 1. I would have a conversation with your boyfriend and a genetics counselor or MD. They will explain to you both in layman's terms the likelihood of having a kid with ASD, and that there is no guarentee of what kind of ASD support level that may be., Ya I didn’t know my “quirks” were autism traits till my son was getting diagnosed. He is just a more extreme version of me…. I’m 40 and basically my mom knew there was something but didn’t know what. They tested me every few years and nothing ever materialized. As an adult a dermatologist said I had OCD, went to a psychiatrist and he confirmed I had that, then as I got older my anxiety was getting worse and I was having panic attacks and my doctor asked if I had been tested for ADHD and I said as a kid and she said things have changed. I have severe ADHD which caused issues for the OCD and anxiety. It’s a wicked little cycle that feeds into each other. Been on max dose ADHD meds which got me off the 3 anxiety meds I was on and then I go on and off meds as needed for the OCD. I have always had hyper mobility, if it can be dislocated I’ve done it. I’m clumsy and have always said I was the queen of minor injuries. I get very focused and obsessive on topics and consume nothing but that and only want to talk about it. Friends are hard to make and keep. I’m an extroverted introvert, it’s hard to get me out but then I’m social when out but I can’t socialize properly. I know this but I can’t do it right, it sucks. When my son was getting tested and I was reading up on things A lot was me and he still is just a more extreme version of me. I find it helps me parent him. I don’t get overwhelmed like everyone else when they watch him. It’s like I’m in his head so I know what is going to bother him or what he’s thinking of doing before he does it. I can warn him if I know a sound bothers me and he covers his ears because I know it will bother him. I can see things in a store that I know he will be drawn to and can navigate it. I know what clothing he will or won’t like. I know which blankets he prefers. The only thing he doesn’t trust me fully on yet is foods. I know what he will and won’t like. But he don’t try a lot of things because he is so visual. But he’s learning to trust me, he closes his eyes and takes a nibble but it’s slow going. So for me yes my kid is level 2 non verbal autistic (he turned 4 in December) but being his mom is very easy. Dealing with all his “things” doesn’t affect me the same as others. During his assessments they are always asking how we are doing and how our son is very active and a hand full and it’s fine. He is me and I can handle me. I don’t know how else to explain it., Looks like there's a flood of us who didn't recognize autism in themselves until their kid(s) were diagnosed, I'm in that boat as well. But my kid is friggin awesome. Legitimately the coolest little human I've ever met, all the stuff I got chastised for are the things I love best about her. I love that I can understand her on a level that my parents didn't understand me, and I love giving her the childhood I didn't get. I'm sure I'll make mistakes, I'm sure it will be hard (really fckin hard) at times, but I have zero regrets., All I'm gonna say is that my husband and I are the same kind of Autistic. Our son, isn't. A lot of his stims are our triggers, and it can be very difficult to keep calm., My husband is likely autistic. We are both ADHD. Both of our kids have ADHD and one is autistic. The ADHD is the more brutal one at this point but that’s because our autistic one is still so young and level 1., I don’t think the 80% divorce rate is true, I am not able to find a legit source for that, I don't think being autistic is a bad thing. Autistic people do awesome stuff in life. My kiddos are autistic and they are the best., If you can adopt, that is one other option., Pardon my ignorance but why do we think that autism is genetic or otherwise heritable?, That feeling of never fitting in. Never being understood. Being an outsider. Feeling out of step with everyone. It all makes so much more sense now., Same! So many of my mental health issues are explained by autism., Same. This is why I don’t recommend having kids, really to anyone., Same!, I suppose that makes a lot of sense I’ve definitely spent years talking about this in therapy. I replied to my comment kind of about my childhood but yeah id say some of the things that i was put through definitely still affect me today even though im in a really great place. You seem like an amazing mom your daughter is really lucky to have you, Same! I didn't know I was autistic or get diagnosed until after my son was diagnosed and I noticed a ton of similarities between him and I. He is level 3. But my younger daughter has shown no signs of autism. I think it's just a gamble. But if I had to do it again, I would. My son is absolutely wonderful and I'm not sad about him having autism. Like you said, it's not a deadly disease., I was put in a lot of therapies and medications against my will since as young as 5 years old. Id be seeing specialist after specialist week after week just to try to get me “fixed” where i genuinely hated my mother for the majority of my life and I’ve always resented my family because my siblings are two like golden children and i was used as an “example” a lot. I hated being autistic and hated myself most of my life. My relationship with my mom improved once i started to actively try to heal my trauma and move on from my past and once i was less angry i was kinder to my family and i was lucky enough to have them be receptive to that. Over the past year for the first time in my life i feel like im actually a part of the family. I cant remember the last time there was any kind of conflict or when anyone yelled. But a big part of that was because of my boyfriend. He loves me so much for who i am and has made me see myself in such a positive light and he makes me want to be a better person. We’re moving out together soon too :) sorry for the tangent, I want to, but my boyfriend wants his genes passed down., Autism frequently runs in families and in identical twins I believe autism occurs close to 90% for the other twin if one twin has it. Autism isn't just one thing caused by one gene though so the genetics are complicated. Most studies I have seen put autism at 80% genetics and 20% environmental influences. Also, in some cases ASD can be caused by a de novo mutation not passed down by either parent, but a new mutation in the individuals genes. Many families who have genetic testing done come up with nothing not because they don't have a gene implicated in autism but rather the gene has not been identified yet. All this to say the genetics of autism are very complicated but most research agrees it is strongly genetic. Anecdotally, I realized after my son was diagnosed that I am probably on the spectrum with lower support needs, as are a few other people in my family. From what I read on here this seems pretty common., It’s like you’re reading my mind, I'm a big proponent of processing childhood trauma and making sure you have really strong emotional regulation/ coping skills before having kids. Otherwise, it's very hard not to either perpetuate the same kind of dysfunction or to overcompensate too much in the opposite direction and perpetuate a different kind of dysfunction. It is possible to do things differently and create a healthy family dynamic, but being a cycle breaker is SO HARD, especially if you don't have a supportive family behind you. You don't have to be perfectly regulated at all times, but if you're already struggling with regulation, having kids will make it much, much worse. Speaking from experience here... don't be like me and ignore the trauma and then have a mental breakdown and spend years dissociated and barely making it through the day (covid isolation and being in a dysfunctional relationship also played a part here). I started trauma therapy a year ago, and things are much better now. I'm also getting divorced (hooray!)

Should I pushing my kids to get outside more?

Family: Me (31M), Wife (34F), Verbal autistic Son (7M), and Non Verbal Autistic Daughter (6M). Our family is pretty calm, low energy, when we have no plans on the weekends that means we're happy cause we get to cuddle up at home, play board games, read, watch movies, play with slime, etc. We try and plan outdoor activities, but we're more of the people who will tag along with others who make the plans and we just provide support. I have feeling this is just Facebook influencing me. My brother and his two ND kids basically live outdoors. Camping every weekend they can, hiking, skateboard park, etc. and of course I think "wow, maybe I need to get my kids outside more often. Cause if I don't, I'm terrible parent". I have been trying to get them outside this week for spring break but we did get sick pretty badly, so we're still in recovery. But I have noticed that my son doesn't really want to go outside anymore. For the last two years or so we were going to parks every day, doing goodwill trips, etc. But over the past few months he's been pretty reluctant to go out and just want to stay home. I just don't know how much I should be pushing it. Kids change all the times so maybe I just need to not stress about it to much. Any thoughts? Anyone been through something like that here there kids just loses interest in going outside?

No need to stress -- it's clear that you deeply care for your children's well-being, and your willingness to seek advice shows your commitment as a parent! Every child's journey is unique, and what works for one family may not necessarily work for another. I love the outdoors a ton, but when there are no set plans on the weekend, you bet we are spending at least one day inside doing all those fun things you mentioned. Your son's recent reluctance to go outside could stem from various factors, including sensory sensitivities or just changes in his interests over time. I think it's totally ok to just go at this one day at a time with empathy and flexibility, focusing on creating a supportive environment where everyone feels comfortable and valued. Continue to engage in open dialogue with your family and observe their cues to better understand everybody's needs. Whether indoors or outdoors, the most important thing is fostering a nurturing environment where your children can thrive and feel loved :), Every person and every family has different needs! My ND son (and I) NEED outside time to feel regulated. It sounds like you and your kids don't. I'm a huge believer in the regulating power of nature, it's worth giving it a try, but if it doesn't work for you (or if other things work better) I wouldn't stress it., No need to stress -- it's clear that you deeply care for your children's well-being, and your willingness to seek advice shows your commitment as a parent! Every child's journey is unique, and what works for one family may not necessarily work for another. I love the outdoors a ton, but when there are no set plans on the weekend, you bet we are spending at least one day inside doing all those fun things you mentioned. Your son's recent reluctance to go outside could stem from various factors, including sensory sensitivities or just changes in his interests over time. I think it's totally ok to just go at this one day at a time with empathy and flexibility, focusing on creating a supportive environment where everyone feels comfortable and valued. Continue to engage in open dialogue with your family and observe their cues to better understand everybody's needs. Whether indoors or outdoors, the most important thing is fostering a nurturing environment where your children can thrive and feel loved :), Every person and every family has different needs! My ND son (and I) NEED outside time to feel regulated. It sounds like you and your kids don't. I'm a huge believer in the regulating power of nature, it's worth giving it a try, but if it doesn't work for you (or if other things work better) I wouldn't stress it., No need to stress -- it's clear that you deeply care for your children's well-being, and your willingness to seek advice shows your commitment as a parent! Every child's journey is unique, and what works for one family may not necessarily work for another. I love the outdoors a ton, but when there are no set plans on the weekend, you bet we are spending at least one day inside doing all those fun things you mentioned. Your son's recent reluctance to go outside could stem from various factors, including sensory sensitivities or just changes in his interests over time. I think it's totally ok to just go at this one day at a time with empathy and flexibility, focusing on creating a supportive environment where everyone feels comfortable and valued. Continue to engage in open dialogue with your family and observe their cues to better understand everybody's needs. Whether indoors or outdoors, the most important thing is fostering a nurturing environment where your children can thrive and feel loved :), Every person and every family has different needs! My ND son (and I) NEED outside time to feel regulated. It sounds like you and your kids don't. I'm a huge believer in the regulating power of nature, it's worth giving it a try, but if it doesn't work for you (or if other things work better) I wouldn't stress it., No need to stress -- it's clear that you deeply care for your children's well-being, and your willingness to seek advice shows your commitment as a parent! Every child's journey is unique, and what works for one family may not necessarily work for another. I love the outdoors a ton, but when there are no set plans on the weekend, you bet we are spending at least one day inside doing all those fun things you mentioned. Your son's recent reluctance to go outside could stem from various factors, including sensory sensitivities or just changes in his interests over time. I think it's totally ok to just go at this one day at a time with empathy and flexibility, focusing on creating a supportive environment where everyone feels comfortable and valued. Continue to engage in open dialogue with your family and observe their cues to better understand everybody's needs. Whether indoors or outdoors, the most important thing is fostering a nurturing environment where your children can thrive and feel loved :), Every person and every family has different needs! My ND son (and I) NEED outside time to feel regulated. It sounds like you and your kids don't. I'm a huge believer in the regulating power of nature, it's worth giving it a try, but if it doesn't work for you (or if other things work better) I wouldn't stress it.

Signs a child will eventually use spoken words

I know this has been asked like a million times. And the answer is always something about nobody having a crystal ball and no way of knowing. I guess I want to hold on to that glimmer of hope, for what it’s worth. My son is going to be 4 in July and still has no real spoken words. He has come a long way with his prelinguistic skills and has improved so much, thanks to ABA. His receptive language has also improved and he can now follow up to two step directions and understands common things said to him repeatedly. He responds to his name now too, finally. He has had hearing tests and passed. I don’t think he has intellectual disability and no gross or fine motor skill issues that I’m aware of, with exception of not being able to jump with two feet. He has come very far with imitation skills and will imitate or at least try to imitate anything asked. He has known his ABCs, numbers, shapes, colors, common animals, vehicles, etc since he was 2 years old. He will point when asked and identify the items correctly, he just can’t verbalize them. He can do up to 6 or 8 piece puzzles. What’s strange to me is that he has no consonant sounds. He can sound all the vowels just fine. Now that he’s willing to imitate sounds, I’ve been practicing with him. Like I say ‘ready, set’ and wait for him to say ‘go’. I’ve been trying this to no avail for a long time and now he finally says it, but minus the ‘g’. It’s just ‘oh’. I guess I should be grateful that he’s even attempting, but it’s just not what I expected to hear when he finally said it. Also he says ‘ahh’ for ‘up’ when he wants me to stand up. He says ‘ooh’ for ‘boo’ and ‘moo’. He’s able to say ‘uh oh’ finally, not sure if that’s considered a word. Anywho, is there hope for this boy? As I mentioned before, he has improved so much and I would say he has almost mastered prelinguistic skills. What is speech therapy supposed to do at this point? He does get speech twice a week, but honestly I don’t know what they can do aside from what ABA has been doing and waiting it out. Is there something special motor practice they do I’m not aware of? I’m doing all that I can at home too and willing to pay if there is some specialist he needs besides what he’s already getting. He did just get an AAC device, and honestly that’s what finally made this whole thing real for me and stressing me out. I was sort of in denial and hoping it was just a delay that will eventually resolve with time.

At 4 there’s still a lot of room to be hopeful. It’s great you’re starting with AAC because that can help jumpstart verbal language too It’s hard waiting and wondering. My sons about to be 6 and he’s verbal but not conversational or even close. I’ve read countless stories of others and there really just doesn’t seem to be rhyme or reason. The best thing you can do in my opinion is play and interact as much as possible. Does he have interest in other kids? My sons always been completely content with playing alone. He has no interest in peers. I think if he did language would follow because it would provide constant motivation to speak. Does he seem motivated to speak or doesn’t show interest? Had an SLP discussed apraxia? Apraxia has different therapies so making sure he’s properly assessed would be my first step, My daughter’s BCBA told me yesterday she’s autistic and didn’t say her first word until 10. I had no idea. You never know what your child is capable of doing., While none of us do have a crystal ball, these all sound like good signs. The fact that his receptive language is good and he doesn’t seem to have an intellectual impairment are pretty strong predictors that he will speak eventually. Some non verbal autistics have normal cognitive skills but severe apraxia, where they can’t physically form words, but given that there are no other gross or fine motor skill issues this seems unlikely., My kiddo was similar. Albeit at 3 not 4. He had high receptive language but barely able to put words together and if he did it would be without consonants. Example at 3 he was saying "waaa" for water. "Baaa" for battery. Piiaa, for pizza . You get the gist. One or two syllables and only vowels. That's it . He is now 5 and speaks in full sentences , but still struggles with some consonants in some of the words ...and sometimes it's hard to understand him (the other day he was asking for binoculars and it was funniest thing when he tried to pronounce abd we struggling to understand....eventually he showed us with hands. we have a wonderful speech pathologist that works with him on weekly basis. So I would say that considering your kiddo has relatively good receptive language and that he started forming words , with therapy he would get there ., My son is the same. No interest in other kids. It seems he has some sort of social anxiety when it comes to kids his age. He is in a typical preschool and he has gotten so much better after 2 years. Before he used to hold on to adults (teaches in the beginning and later ABA therapist) for dear life because he was so scared of the kids. But now he just tolerates them and can parallel play, but no real interest to play together. Yea, for sure that has a lot to do with it. You hear of kids with language explosion after starting school, but that only works if they have an interest to play or communicate. I did bring up apraxia to the SLP a while back, but she sort of brushed it off saying we can’t tell until he vocalizes more. Thanks, I will look into this more again and see if I can find an SLP that specializes in it for an assessment. That’s awesome that your son is verbal. I would give anything for him to say even just single words. There is always room for progress., Wow. That’s amazing., I really do hope so. Thanks for the positive words. I appreciate it., That is so awesome. Thanks for sharing, At 4 there’s still a lot of room to be hopeful. It’s great you’re starting with AAC because that can help jumpstart verbal language too It’s hard waiting and wondering. My sons about to be 6 and he’s verbal but not conversational or even close. I’ve read countless stories of others and there really just doesn’t seem to be rhyme or reason. The best thing you can do in my opinion is play and interact as much as possible. Does he have interest in other kids? My sons always been completely content with playing alone. He has no interest in peers. I think if he did language would follow because it would provide constant motivation to speak. Does he seem motivated to speak or doesn’t show interest? Had an SLP discussed apraxia? Apraxia has different therapies so making sure he’s properly assessed would be my first step, My daughter’s BCBA told me yesterday she’s autistic and didn’t say her first word until 10. I had no idea. You never know what your child is capable of doing., While none of us do have a crystal ball, these all sound like good signs. The fact that his receptive language is good and he doesn’t seem to have an intellectual impairment are pretty strong predictors that he will speak eventually. Some non verbal autistics have normal cognitive skills but severe apraxia, where they can’t physically form words, but given that there are no other gross or fine motor skill issues this seems unlikely., My kiddo was similar. Albeit at 3 not 4. He had high receptive language but barely able to put words together and if he did it would be without consonants. Example at 3 he was saying "waaa" for water. "Baaa" for battery. Piiaa, for pizza . You get the gist. One or two syllables and only vowels. That's it . He is now 5 and speaks in full sentences , but still struggles with some consonants in some of the words ...and sometimes it's hard to understand him (the other day he was asking for binoculars and it was funniest thing when he tried to pronounce abd we struggling to understand....eventually he showed us with hands. we have a wonderful speech pathologist that works with him on weekly basis. So I would say that considering your kiddo has relatively good receptive language and that he started forming words , with therapy he would get there ., My son is the same. No interest in other kids. It seems he has some sort of social anxiety when it comes to kids his age. He is in a typical preschool and he has gotten so much better after 2 years. Before he used to hold on to adults (teaches in the beginning and later ABA therapist) for dear life because he was so scared of the kids. But now he just tolerates them and can parallel play, but no real interest to play together. Yea, for sure that has a lot to do with it. You hear of kids with language explosion after starting school, but that only works if they have an interest to play or communicate. I did bring up apraxia to the SLP a while back, but she sort of brushed it off saying we can’t tell until he vocalizes more. Thanks, I will look into this more again and see if I can find an SLP that specializes in it for an assessment. That’s awesome that your son is verbal. I would give anything for him to say even just single words. There is always room for progress., Wow. That’s amazing., I really do hope so. Thanks for the positive words. I appreciate it., That is so awesome. Thanks for sharing, At 4 there’s still a lot of room to be hopeful. It’s great you’re starting with AAC because that can help jumpstart verbal language too It’s hard waiting and wondering. My sons about to be 6 and he’s verbal but not conversational or even close. I’ve read countless stories of others and there really just doesn’t seem to be rhyme or reason. The best thing you can do in my opinion is play and interact as much as possible. Does he have interest in other kids? My sons always been completely content with playing alone. He has no interest in peers. I think if he did language would follow because it would provide constant motivation to speak. Does he seem motivated to speak or doesn’t show interest? Had an SLP discussed apraxia? Apraxia has different therapies so making sure he’s properly assessed would be my first step, My daughter’s BCBA told me yesterday she’s autistic and didn’t say her first word until 10. I had no idea. You never know what your child is capable of doing., While none of us do have a crystal ball, these all sound like good signs. The fact that his receptive language is good and he doesn’t seem to have an intellectual impairment are pretty strong predictors that he will speak eventually. Some non verbal autistics have normal cognitive skills but severe apraxia, where they can’t physically form words, but given that there are no other gross or fine motor skill issues this seems unlikely., My kiddo was similar. Albeit at 3 not 4. He had high receptive language but barely able to put words together and if he did it would be without consonants. Example at 3 he was saying "waaa" for water. "Baaa" for battery. Piiaa, for pizza . You get the gist. One or two syllables and only vowels. That's it . He is now 5 and speaks in full sentences , but still struggles with some consonants in some of the words ...and sometimes it's hard to understand him (the other day he was asking for binoculars and it was funniest thing when he tried to pronounce abd we struggling to understand....eventually he showed us with hands. we have a wonderful speech pathologist that works with him on weekly basis. So I would say that considering your kiddo has relatively good receptive language and that he started forming words , with therapy he would get there ., My son is the same. No interest in other kids. It seems he has some sort of social anxiety when it comes to kids his age. He is in a typical preschool and he has gotten so much better after 2 years. Before he used to hold on to adults (teaches in the beginning and later ABA therapist) for dear life because he was so scared of the kids. But now he just tolerates them and can parallel play, but no real interest to play together. Yea, for sure that has a lot to do with it. You hear of kids with language explosion after starting school, but that only works if they have an interest to play or communicate. I did bring up apraxia to the SLP a while back, but she sort of brushed it off saying we can’t tell until he vocalizes more. Thanks, I will look into this more again and see if I can find an SLP that specializes in it for an assessment. That’s awesome that your son is verbal. I would give anything for him to say even just single words. There is always room for progress., Wow. That’s amazing., I really do hope so. Thanks for the positive words. I appreciate it., That is so awesome. Thanks for sharing, At 4 there’s still a lot of room to be hopeful. It’s great you’re starting with AAC because that can help jumpstart verbal language too It’s hard waiting and wondering. My sons about to be 6 and he’s verbal but not conversational or even close. I’ve read countless stories of others and there really just doesn’t seem to be rhyme or reason. The best thing you can do in my opinion is play and interact as much as possible. Does he have interest in other kids? My sons always been completely content with playing alone. He has no interest in peers. I think if he did language would follow because it would provide constant motivation to speak. Does he seem motivated to speak or doesn’t show interest? Had an SLP discussed apraxia? Apraxia has different therapies so making sure he’s properly assessed would be my first step, My daughter’s BCBA told me yesterday she’s autistic and didn’t say her first word until 10. I had no idea. You never know what your child is capable of doing., While none of us do have a crystal ball, these all sound like good signs. The fact that his receptive language is good and he doesn’t seem to have an intellectual impairment are pretty strong predictors that he will speak eventually. Some non verbal autistics have normal cognitive skills but severe apraxia, where they can’t physically form words, but given that there are no other gross or fine motor skill issues this seems unlikely., My kiddo was similar. Albeit at 3 not 4. He had high receptive language but barely able to put words together and if he did it would be without consonants. Example at 3 he was saying "waaa" for water. "Baaa" for battery. Piiaa, for pizza . You get the gist. One or two syllables and only vowels. That's it . He is now 5 and speaks in full sentences , but still struggles with some consonants in some of the words ...and sometimes it's hard to understand him (the other day he was asking for binoculars and it was funniest thing when he tried to pronounce abd we struggling to understand....eventually he showed us with hands. we have a wonderful speech pathologist that works with him on weekly basis. So I would say that considering your kiddo has relatively good receptive language and that he started forming words , with therapy he would get there ., My son is the same. No interest in other kids. It seems he has some sort of social anxiety when it comes to kids his age. He is in a typical preschool and he has gotten so much better after 2 years. Before he used to hold on to adults (teaches in the beginning and later ABA therapist) for dear life because he was so scared of the kids. But now he just tolerates them and can parallel play, but no real interest to play together. Yea, for sure that has a lot to do with it. You hear of kids with language explosion after starting school, but that only works if they have an interest to play or communicate. I did bring up apraxia to the SLP a while back, but she sort of brushed it off saying we can’t tell until he vocalizes more. Thanks, I will look into this more again and see if I can find an SLP that specializes in it for an assessment. That’s awesome that your son is verbal. I would give anything for him to say even just single words. There is always room for progress., Wow. That’s amazing., I really do hope so. Thanks for the positive words. I appreciate it., That is so awesome. Thanks for sharing

Signs my one year old has autism

At what age did you all start seeing signs of autism? My daughter is one she will be two in December. She have tantrums , head banging and I feel like she should be talking more. She say like 5 words. I’m also concerned with her walking on her toes. She also love things like her nose rubbed and when she is in her car seat she screams like crazy I have to hold her hand or be touching her leg for her not to cry. My doctor say it’s to early to tell if she has autism. It just makes me feel like I’m not a good mother and maybe I’m missing out on something I’m not teaching her

Follow your instinct, getting another opinion can't hurt. However, please also consider the selection bias of posting this question here on this sub. **Many** toddlers show delays in development and wind up not being autistic. Pediatricians see these kids fairly often, which is one reason they are often not as concerned as some parents think they should be. But on this sub, you are only going to get the testimonials from one side of the eventual divide., I noticed signs when my daughter was 16 months old. She wasn’t responding to her name and was not making eye contact., My son showed signs as early as 4 months, he just never developed right in hindsight. By 12 months it was very clear, I got my son evaluated just before his 2nd birthday and he was diagnosed and has received early intervention services and they’ve made a huge difference. Don’t doubt yourself I’m sure your a good mother., I started noticing signs around 10 months and by 12 months I was starting to think autism. He is nearly 3 now and diagnosed with GDD, still waiting on ASD assessment but is 100% autistic., Thanks everyone so you do notice signs early. I think I’m going to get her another doctor., Probably about 10 or so. In hindsight, probably around her age., Mine was extremely hard to soothe, took over 45 min to an hour and a half. Eye contact was limited, and he didn't respond to his name or in situations that it's normal to have a response. He lines up up toys with no imaginary play. He watches others play and doesn't interact with others. Woke frequently throughout the night like a newborn. No sense of danger or fear. He would climb every high as soon as he could walk., We've had several different pediatricians and something I've noticed is that they're not very well trained in spotting autism, unless it's in a very severe/obvious case or looks really stereotypical. Pediatricians are experts in many aspects of children's health, but not in this. So rather than focusing on finding a pediatrician who will diagnose her, I'd put energy instead into finding what resources your area has for autistic kids. Are you in the States? I don't know about other countries, but I know a bunch of states in the US have publicly funded resources for assessment, diagnosis, and treatment/support., So one thing my pediatrician did say that was useful (even though he missed the diagnosis) : "Every Autistic child needs speech therapy, not every child who needs speech therapy is autistic." That being said, I noticed stimming at 9 months and word delay at 15 months and was gaslit by EVERYONE saying she was delayed because her first year was filled with being premature and having asthma. Get as many resources as you can! Speech, OT, alternative dance (as silly as it sounds it helps my daughter). Your voice is your child's biggest advocate.

Signs of Autism in my 7 month old

Hi im wondering if any parents out there noticed signs of autism in there child below the age of 1. My son has shown some signs of autism and I know that they say “theyre not old enough to be diagnosed”. But I truly believe thats not the case. My suspicions started within the first few months of him being born, he was crying constantly, but it didnt seem from gas or reflux, it jst seemed to me that he was overwhelmed completely. I was told by my district nurse that it could be reflux or colic. But I tried him on different formulas and he still didnt stop from after 4 months when they say it gets easier. Forward to now he is 7 months and he is now showing different signs of autism. •screeching to the highest he can go and doing almost a growling sounds. Seems self regulatory to me. •when i call his name from a distance he looks at me and looks for my voice but up close he will do anything but look me in the eyes. •when he does stand, he stands up on his toes. •he is now continuously arching his back to a point where hes being refered to a pediatrician for suspicion of Cerebral Palsy. But i dont believe thats why I believe its because its also to do with autism. •he hasnt started babbling yet which I know may be soon but he hasnt even made the first step in doing that. •he crosses his legs and is constantly stiff. •when i tickle him it seems to calm him down and he loves it but i do think its to do with self regulation. •in general a very difficult baby, dont get me wrong I love him but he has a twin sister that just seems a lot more calm and regulated and I struggle with him on the daily to keep him happy. If anyone has anything similar please leave a comment on your experience. I love him all the same if he is but I feel like parents know more than what a professional can say sometimes. I want to fight for him for early intervention should it be the case. A part of me is crushed if he is, I just worry he will be nonverbal. And that would break my heart. Any help would be great. Thanks

Some of this does sound a bit concerning, but it’s hard to say what all of this could be attributed to. If you’re in the US, I would contact EI, he may already qualify for services due to not babbling and any other delays they might find when they evaluate him. It would be great for your peace of mind to have someone who is very familiar with special needs kids and child development to be seeing your son each week. And keep raising your concerns with your doctor, if they dismiss you try getting a different doctor., Any update, I can't say forsure either way if you should be concerned but what I will say is my daughter cried constantly and it didn't seem to he related to colic or reflux. She was incredibly hard to settle. Now that I have a much more regulated baby I notice the differences but at the time I just thought she cried a lot. With that said, there are a lot of people on here who said their babies were content and quiet. How is his sleep? That was another big sign for my daughter, terrible sleep., [deleted], Thats another point i forgot. Incredibly hard to settle. During the day sometimes when hes supposed to be asleep for at least an hour hes awake 20 mins later. At night he struggles as well, which ive used brown noise to try and calm him which does help. But Hes exhausted a lot because of this. I know its hard to distinguish but i just feel it in my gut as a mother that something is going on, Definitely bring it up to the pediatrician! My concerns were brushed aside for a long time because my daughter is social and makes good eye contact....wait lists for evaluations are very long, I wish we had gotten on one sooner. They won't diagnose as young as your baby is or anything but it's good to have on your radar because like you said, early intervention is important! The more obvious signs for my daughter like stimming, lining up toys, etc didn't show up until around 2., Yeah, its just very unfair for parents because when you do your research into these things that they display they are linked with autism. The system of it is really disheartening. I refuse to allow anyone brush this off, early intervention is imperative its all in the research. My heart aches for parents that arent heard. Im up the wall with worry and I havent even had to start the process of all this. Thank you for your reply. I just need a community of people that can understand where im coming from. He has an appointment with my countries best pediatrician so I will be printing what ive found through research and the link it has with my son and bringing it to her. I just want to be listened to i dont think i could bare being told that its nothing. If you dont mind me asking how has your daughter progressed? Is she getting the support that she needs? Are you getting the support you need? Does she communicate with you verbally or through different means of communication? Sorry for the questions but I just want to know everything I can and prepare if it is ASD, I totally hear you! It's frustrating and it's hard to navigate. I knew my baby was different from a very young age, and now everything makes sense. She just turned 2. She is still not verbal but recently she is really picking up signs quickly and is able to use them to communicate her wants and needs. She babbles a lot, I worry a lot about her speech but her SLP has reassured me she has good signs that she will eventually talk. She is a sweetheart and I love her to pieces but I do wish I could hear her talk! We have her in early intervention through the school district for speech as well as private OT and speech through a clinic. I also get a lot of family support and they are amazing with her which makes a huge difference. She still cries a lot and is hard to settle but it's much easier than when she was around your sons age. Best of luck and I am happy to answer any questions!

Signs of autism in 15 month old?

Curious what others think of these red flags? - Loves pushing buttons, on our ac, remotes, toy cars, vacuum - Loves spinning toy wheels, will flip walkers over just to spin the wheel - Hits head and pulls hair - will hit himself in the head when he’s frustrated - Loves pushing things - will bend down and sled push his stroller, flip bowls over on the floor to push them around, push laundry basket - Doesn’t respond to name that well - More of a loner at daycare, plays by himself - Pushes toys under the couch just so he can lay down at look / reach for them - Picky with food - Opens and shuts doors and drawers - Throws toys and food - Likes to crawl under our stools and sit in small spaces On the other hand, he has developed normally: - Points to things he wants, will bring you a book and sit in your lap. Will point to banana and sign more - Says mama and dada but mostly babbling - Does a lot of ‘normal’ play, playing with toys the way they should be. Taking things in and out of containers, rolls toy cars, puts balls into holes from lovevery toys - Has hit all physical milestones - Makes eye contact - Shows affection, excited to see parents. Runs up and hugs us at daycare - Had stranger danger from 6-9 months, but is better now. Still prefers us in public - Shakes his head no but doesn’t nod - Ok with loud noises, laughs when the wind blows - Smiles when I smile, plays peek a boo - Waves bye and signs more - Loves looking at strangers and people watching Just curious if I should worry and get tested. Are there enough red flags or when coupled with proper development, should I not worry? Mostly worried about him hitting himself and the spinning wheels/ button obsession. TIA!

[https://firstwordsproject.com/](https://firstwordsproject.com/) is the best screening tool out there., Sounds pretty typical to me., Hi well in most cases they will tell you that the baby is too early to be diagnosed although often times parents pick up few clues. I would say wait it out to near 20 months then u can see if these red flags are truly red flags. They didn’t want to diagnosed my son til fully 2 years old although we saw few signs as early as 18 months, [https://babynavigator.com/what-if/](https://babynavigator.com/what-if/), [https://firstwordsproject.com/](https://firstwordsproject.com/) is the best screening tool out there., Sounds pretty typical to me., Hi well in most cases they will tell you that the baby is too early to be diagnosed although often times parents pick up few clues. I would say wait it out to near 20 months then u can see if these red flags are truly red flags. They didn’t want to diagnosed my son til fully 2 years old although we saw few signs as early as 18 months, [https://babynavigator.com/what-if/](https://babynavigator.com/what-if/), [https://firstwordsproject.com/](https://firstwordsproject.com/) is the best screening tool out there., Sounds pretty typical to me., Hi well in most cases they will tell you that the baby is too early to be diagnosed although often times parents pick up few clues. I would say wait it out to near 20 months then u can see if these red flags are truly red flags. They didn’t want to diagnosed my son til fully 2 years old although we saw few signs as early as 18 months, [https://babynavigator.com/what-if/](https://babynavigator.com/what-if/), [https://firstwordsproject.com/](https://firstwordsproject.com/) is the best screening tool out there., Sounds pretty typical to me., Hi well in most cases they will tell you that the baby is too early to be diagnosed although often times parents pick up few clues. I would say wait it out to near 20 months then u can see if these red flags are truly red flags. They didn’t want to diagnosed my son til fully 2 years old although we saw few signs as early as 18 months, [https://babynavigator.com/what-if/](https://babynavigator.com/what-if/)

Signs of autism in toddlers

Hey all! Just wondering what the early signs of autism were in babies/toddlers? Hubby and I suspect Mr 2.5 is on the spectrum and so far have noticed the following: - No speech (can babble slightly but not much) - Constant need to be doing headstands - Rocking in his sleep - Flapping - Obsession with weird objecta (magnets, bins, cupboards, fridges) - Daycare have noticed he likes to play by himself and often avoids children - No fear at all, will happily run out on the road constantly Theres more but I can’t remember off the top of my head!

Minimal/no eye contact. You should contact your local regional center to have your kid prepped for an IEP when he turns three and get a diagnosis for autism so you can enroll him in ABA ASAP., Take the Mchat, Get in contact with CAFHS, they can start the process of get him into a speech public speech pathologist who can then start working with you to get him into NDIS and CDU. Generally you will end up working with someone like Kodos to get the NDIS plan done and then you can access private services and get more done like OT and psychology. We have just being down this path took about a year to get everything in place but was worth it., As others have mentioned, get the ball rolling for NDIS early intervention so you can access some help while you wait. I'm in WA and was told 12-18 months wait for public assessment but surprisingly got a call after 6 months lol., Hey, I've observed something similar with a kid I used to teach. Based on what you've shared, those signs definitely ring some autism bells. Delayed speech, quirky behaviors like flapping and fixating on certain stuff, and preferring solo play – all pretty familiar.  His parents started by talking to a pediatrician, who referred them to specialists for a full evaluation. He got hooked up with therapists who tailored activities and also got him into NDIS. So, I'd say reaching out to your pediatrician for a referral and exploring early intervention options could be a solid move., We have him on a waitlist but here in Australia even for a private practice it can be up to a year!

Single Parent Question

I am a newly single mom to a 7 year old with ASD. My son has very aggressive behaviors that often result in him being sent home from school because they are not able to manage his behaviors in school. School sends him home at least once a week and he doesn’t have an IEP because academically he is too bright and when he isn’t having severe meltdowns he doesn’t qualify as “autistic” on their assessment. Now that my separation is moving forward I need to find a job but cannot. I do not have family or friends that can watch my son and school is not reliable enough for me to try and only work during his school hours since I have to be able to stop working at any moment with little to no warning. He also cannot be in any afterschool care or summer care because of his violent behaviors. I don’t know how to do this. The only jobs I have worked in my entire life have been childcare in a center, obviously this is no longer an option. I keep looking and applying for any remote job I can find but i am not qualified for any of them nor do I have the resources to try and get a certificate to qualify for jobs like medical billing etc. How are other single parents managing? Especially if your child is lower functioning/unable to be in the care of others. We do not qualify for our states Parent CNA programs because it’s my son’s violent behaviors that keep him from being able to be in the care of others and not because of any medical support he needs. I have to work, the world is too expensive and i spent the last of my savings this week on rent and food.

I don’t know the most about this but if your son has an official diagnosis, not from the school— you should be able to get disability for him. I know this won’t cover everything but maybe it would help?, I'm in a similar position. Unfortunately, employers, the courts, and the school system do not care about disabled children. Especially a complicated disability like autism. Find a therapist, for your son and for yourself. Go to the local social services office and ask to apply for any program you can. Try to find an autism parenting support group. These are the people who can help and who will care. This sucks so bad. You will make it, and your son will get older and more able to cope., I know this isn’t exactly what you’re asking for but it sounds like your son is in gen ed and this is what I’d do in your situation. First, I don’t know why they think he doesn’t qualify for an IEP. An IEP is not just for academics but can be for behaviors especially ones that are impacting his education. Which these seem to be because he is missing A LOT of instruction because of his behaviors/being sent home. If they’re not impacting his education now they will eventually with all the instruction he is missing. If I were you I’d 1. Revisit the IEP conversation with the school asap. Reference your concern for his functional behavior in class/school that is/will affect his academics. 2. Ask what resources they do have and what they are currently doing to help make sure he is in class and at school to the best of their ability. (Do they notice what triggers him, do they have a cool down spot, is he allowed to take breaks etc) 3. Document EVERYTHING. Everytime they call you about an issue, make a new plan, call to have you pick him up with the reason why included. If they call you I’d email them and restate/ ask for confirmation on what was said on the phone. Even better if you can ask them to contact you via email when he needs to be sent home. 4. If you haven’t already start asking if there are other schools in the district that DO have the resources to help manage his meltdowns. But it’s likely not much will happen before an IEP is in place. If they can’t manage his behaviors the district could be liable to pay for transportation and any tuition to a school, either private or public, that can. The district will probably fight/resist this which is why documenting is so important. Missing a day a week is a lot of missed instruction and it seems nothing is being done to help him learn to manage/work through these behaviors. I do understand that schools are understaffed and they truly might not have the resources for him there but if your kid was NT I guarantee you they would not be ok with him missing a day of school every week (or maybe this is just how this school handles behaviors??). Sounds to me like your son’s school is either really lacking resources or they’re trying to get you to pull him and place him somewhere else, but they don’t want to pay for it. Be the squeaky wheel!! I hope this all makes sense it’s hard to write everything out lol. Good luck!, Ok. So here’s the thing. Einstein was autistic. It has NOTHING to do with intelligence. To say he’s being sent home from school for autistic behaviors but he’s too bright to be autistic is like saying your car can’t be broken down because it’s a Ferrari. You sadly need an evaluation from a qualified individual. There is help for disability. You have evidence. He’s being sent home from school. You’ll have a diagnosis. You can detail why it’s impossible to hold a job., We don’t qualify for SSID. He is too high functioning based on their requirements and the evaluator we were sent to. We were denied and I appealed twice. From what I’ve been told you cannot get SSID if behavioral concerns are your only disability., 100% this. I might also lurk in the r/specialed sub to see ideas from actual teachers. OP, you might need an advocate. Your kid’s rights are being violated., That’s insane. I have a few friends who are parents of high functioning children with autism and they still receive SSI. As long as child has a diagnosis, they should qualify. I’d re-apply., Good advice on the lurking ! I’m actually a former teacher but I’ve been out of the game for a few years so there’s prob stuff I forgot. I also have 1 asd kiddo w an IEP & 1 non asd kiddo that has an IEP basically just for his functional behavior at school., I have applied as recently as 6 months ago and just finished the appeal a couple weeks ago and was still denied. 🤷🏻‍♀️, I think the diagnosis might be key here, as the behaviors would probably need to be tied to the diagnosis to be considered disabling for SSI. OP, have you tried getting a private diagnosis? That could also help with getting an IEP at school. If your son’s behavior is getting him sent home regularly, there are probably other behaviors happening at school as well. In all, these are probably preventing him from getting an education, which is why an IEP would be helpful and appropriate but you may need to try to the school by showing them an outside evaluation for ASD, rather than relying on the school to come to the right conclusions themselves. My understanding is that when the schools do evaluations, they are only looking at how ability to get an education is affected, not doing a full evaluation of whether someone has a particular condition. You might want to reach out to your pediatrician to get some referrals to psychologists or developmental pediatricians who can diagnose your son, if you don’t have an “official” diagnosis already. Finally, I’m a divorced mom as well with an aggressive 7 year old. It has been a rough school year and we also don’t have after care (or summer care) for the reasons you mentioned. My kid’s dad is involved so we both answer calls for early pick ups. I’m lucky because I have a job with lots of flexibility and can wfh, but it is really tough. This isn’t an easy path. There is a lot of scrambling and playing it by ear. Hopefully you can eventually figure something out that kind of works for you., I don’t know the most about this but if your son has an official diagnosis, not from the school— you should be able to get disability for him. I know this won’t cover everything but maybe it would help?, I'm in a similar position. Unfortunately, employers, the courts, and the school system do not care about disabled children. Especially a complicated disability like autism. Find a therapist, for your son and for yourself. Go to the local social services office and ask to apply for any program you can. Try to find an autism parenting support group. These are the people who can help and who will care. This sucks so bad. You will make it, and your son will get older and more able to cope., I know this isn’t exactly what you’re asking for but it sounds like your son is in gen ed and this is what I’d do in your situation. First, I don’t know why they think he doesn’t qualify for an IEP. An IEP is not just for academics but can be for behaviors especially ones that are impacting his education. Which these seem to be because he is missing A LOT of instruction because of his behaviors/being sent home. If they’re not impacting his education now they will eventually with all the instruction he is missing. If I were you I’d 1. Revisit the IEP conversation with the school asap. Reference your concern for his functional behavior in class/school that is/will affect his academics. 2. Ask what resources they do have and what they are currently doing to help make sure he is in class and at school to the best of their ability. (Do they notice what triggers him, do they have a cool down spot, is he allowed to take breaks etc) 3. Document EVERYTHING. Everytime they call you about an issue, make a new plan, call to have you pick him up with the reason why included. If they call you I’d email them and restate/ ask for confirmation on what was said on the phone. Even better if you can ask them to contact you via email when he needs to be sent home. 4. If you haven’t already start asking if there are other schools in the district that DO have the resources to help manage his meltdowns. But it’s likely not much will happen before an IEP is in place. If they can’t manage his behaviors the district could be liable to pay for transportation and any tuition to a school, either private or public, that can. The district will probably fight/resist this which is why documenting is so important. Missing a day a week is a lot of missed instruction and it seems nothing is being done to help him learn to manage/work through these behaviors. I do understand that schools are understaffed and they truly might not have the resources for him there but if your kid was NT I guarantee you they would not be ok with him missing a day of school every week (or maybe this is just how this school handles behaviors??). Sounds to me like your son’s school is either really lacking resources or they’re trying to get you to pull him and place him somewhere else, but they don’t want to pay for it. Be the squeaky wheel!! I hope this all makes sense it’s hard to write everything out lol. Good luck!, Ok. So here’s the thing. Einstein was autistic. It has NOTHING to do with intelligence. To say he’s being sent home from school for autistic behaviors but he’s too bright to be autistic is like saying your car can’t be broken down because it’s a Ferrari. You sadly need an evaluation from a qualified individual. There is help for disability. You have evidence. He’s being sent home from school. You’ll have a diagnosis. You can detail why it’s impossible to hold a job., We don’t qualify for SSID. He is too high functioning based on their requirements and the evaluator we were sent to. We were denied and I appealed twice. From what I’ve been told you cannot get SSID if behavioral concerns are your only disability., 100% this. I might also lurk in the r/specialed sub to see ideas from actual teachers. OP, you might need an advocate. Your kid’s rights are being violated., That’s insane. I have a few friends who are parents of high functioning children with autism and they still receive SSI. As long as child has a diagnosis, they should qualify. I’d re-apply., Good advice on the lurking ! I’m actually a former teacher but I’ve been out of the game for a few years so there’s prob stuff I forgot. I also have 1 asd kiddo w an IEP & 1 non asd kiddo that has an IEP basically just for his functional behavior at school., I have applied as recently as 6 months ago and just finished the appeal a couple weeks ago and was still denied. 🤷🏻‍♀️, I think the diagnosis might be key here, as the behaviors would probably need to be tied to the diagnosis to be considered disabling for SSI. OP, have you tried getting a private diagnosis? That could also help with getting an IEP at school. If your son’s behavior is getting him sent home regularly, there are probably other behaviors happening at school as well. In all, these are probably preventing him from getting an education, which is why an IEP would be helpful and appropriate but you may need to try to the school by showing them an outside evaluation for ASD, rather than relying on the school to come to the right conclusions themselves. My understanding is that when the schools do evaluations, they are only looking at how ability to get an education is affected, not doing a full evaluation of whether someone has a particular condition. You might want to reach out to your pediatrician to get some referrals to psychologists or developmental pediatricians who can diagnose your son, if you don’t have an “official” diagnosis already. Finally, I’m a divorced mom as well with an aggressive 7 year old. It has been a rough school year and we also don’t have after care (or summer care) for the reasons you mentioned. My kid’s dad is involved so we both answer calls for early pick ups. I’m lucky because I have a job with lots of flexibility and can wfh, but it is really tough. This isn’t an easy path. There is a lot of scrambling and playing it by ear. Hopefully you can eventually figure something out that kind of works for you., I don’t know the most about this but if your son has an official diagnosis, not from the school— you should be able to get disability for him. I know this won’t cover everything but maybe it would help?, I'm in a similar position. Unfortunately, employers, the courts, and the school system do not care about disabled children. Especially a complicated disability like autism. Find a therapist, for your son and for yourself. Go to the local social services office and ask to apply for any program you can. Try to find an autism parenting support group. These are the people who can help and who will care. This sucks so bad. You will make it, and your son will get older and more able to cope., I know this isn’t exactly what you’re asking for but it sounds like your son is in gen ed and this is what I’d do in your situation. First, I don’t know why they think he doesn’t qualify for an IEP. An IEP is not just for academics but can be for behaviors especially ones that are impacting his education. Which these seem to be because he is missing A LOT of instruction because of his behaviors/being sent home. If they’re not impacting his education now they will eventually with all the instruction he is missing. If I were you I’d 1. Revisit the IEP conversation with the school asap. Reference your concern for his functional behavior in class/school that is/will affect his academics. 2. Ask what resources they do have and what they are currently doing to help make sure he is in class and at school to the best of their ability. (Do they notice what triggers him, do they have a cool down spot, is he allowed to take breaks etc) 3. Document EVERYTHING. Everytime they call you about an issue, make a new plan, call to have you pick him up with the reason why included. If they call you I’d email them and restate/ ask for confirmation on what was said on the phone. Even better if you can ask them to contact you via email when he needs to be sent home. 4. If you haven’t already start asking if there are other schools in the district that DO have the resources to help manage his meltdowns. But it’s likely not much will happen before an IEP is in place. If they can’t manage his behaviors the district could be liable to pay for transportation and any tuition to a school, either private or public, that can. The district will probably fight/resist this which is why documenting is so important. Missing a day a week is a lot of missed instruction and it seems nothing is being done to help him learn to manage/work through these behaviors. I do understand that schools are understaffed and they truly might not have the resources for him there but if your kid was NT I guarantee you they would not be ok with him missing a day of school every week (or maybe this is just how this school handles behaviors??). Sounds to me like your son’s school is either really lacking resources or they’re trying to get you to pull him and place him somewhere else, but they don’t want to pay for it. Be the squeaky wheel!! I hope this all makes sense it’s hard to write everything out lol. Good luck!, Ok. So here’s the thing. Einstein was autistic. It has NOTHING to do with intelligence. To say he’s being sent home from school for autistic behaviors but he’s too bright to be autistic is like saying your car can’t be broken down because it’s a Ferrari. You sadly need an evaluation from a qualified individual. There is help for disability. You have evidence. He’s being sent home from school. You’ll have a diagnosis. You can detail why it’s impossible to hold a job., We don’t qualify for SSID. He is too high functioning based on their requirements and the evaluator we were sent to. We were denied and I appealed twice. From what I’ve been told you cannot get SSID if behavioral concerns are your only disability., 100% this. I might also lurk in the r/specialed sub to see ideas from actual teachers. OP, you might need an advocate. Your kid’s rights are being violated., That’s insane. I have a few friends who are parents of high functioning children with autism and they still receive SSI. As long as child has a diagnosis, they should qualify. I’d re-apply., Good advice on the lurking ! I’m actually a former teacher but I’ve been out of the game for a few years so there’s prob stuff I forgot. I also have 1 asd kiddo w an IEP & 1 non asd kiddo that has an IEP basically just for his functional behavior at school., I have applied as recently as 6 months ago and just finished the appeal a couple weeks ago and was still denied. 🤷🏻‍♀️, I think the diagnosis might be key here, as the behaviors would probably need to be tied to the diagnosis to be considered disabling for SSI. OP, have you tried getting a private diagnosis? That could also help with getting an IEP at school. If your son’s behavior is getting him sent home regularly, there are probably other behaviors happening at school as well. In all, these are probably preventing him from getting an education, which is why an IEP would be helpful and appropriate but you may need to try to the school by showing them an outside evaluation for ASD, rather than relying on the school to come to the right conclusions themselves. My understanding is that when the schools do evaluations, they are only looking at how ability to get an education is affected, not doing a full evaluation of whether someone has a particular condition. You might want to reach out to your pediatrician to get some referrals to psychologists or developmental pediatricians who can diagnose your son, if you don’t have an “official” diagnosis already. Finally, I’m a divorced mom as well with an aggressive 7 year old. It has been a rough school year and we also don’t have after care (or summer care) for the reasons you mentioned. My kid’s dad is involved so we both answer calls for early pick ups. I’m lucky because I have a job with lots of flexibility and can wfh, but it is really tough. This isn’t an easy path. There is a lot of scrambling and playing it by ear. Hopefully you can eventually figure something out that kind of works for you., I don’t know the most about this but if your son has an official diagnosis, not from the school— you should be able to get disability for him. I know this won’t cover everything but maybe it would help?, I'm in a similar position. Unfortunately, employers, the courts, and the school system do not care about disabled children. Especially a complicated disability like autism. Find a therapist, for your son and for yourself. Go to the local social services office and ask to apply for any program you can. Try to find an autism parenting support group. These are the people who can help and who will care. This sucks so bad. You will make it, and your son will get older and more able to cope., I know this isn’t exactly what you’re asking for but it sounds like your son is in gen ed and this is what I’d do in your situation. First, I don’t know why they think he doesn’t qualify for an IEP. An IEP is not just for academics but can be for behaviors especially ones that are impacting his education. Which these seem to be because he is missing A LOT of instruction because of his behaviors/being sent home. If they’re not impacting his education now they will eventually with all the instruction he is missing. If I were you I’d 1. Revisit the IEP conversation with the school asap. Reference your concern for his functional behavior in class/school that is/will affect his academics. 2. Ask what resources they do have and what they are currently doing to help make sure he is in class and at school to the best of their ability. (Do they notice what triggers him, do they have a cool down spot, is he allowed to take breaks etc) 3. Document EVERYTHING. Everytime they call you about an issue, make a new plan, call to have you pick him up with the reason why included. If they call you I’d email them and restate/ ask for confirmation on what was said on the phone. Even better if you can ask them to contact you via email when he needs to be sent home. 4. If you haven’t already start asking if there are other schools in the district that DO have the resources to help manage his meltdowns. But it’s likely not much will happen before an IEP is in place. If they can’t manage his behaviors the district could be liable to pay for transportation and any tuition to a school, either private or public, that can. The district will probably fight/resist this which is why documenting is so important. Missing a day a week is a lot of missed instruction and it seems nothing is being done to help him learn to manage/work through these behaviors. I do understand that schools are understaffed and they truly might not have the resources for him there but if your kid was NT I guarantee you they would not be ok with him missing a day of school every week (or maybe this is just how this school handles behaviors??). Sounds to me like your son’s school is either really lacking resources or they’re trying to get you to pull him and place him somewhere else, but they don’t want to pay for it. Be the squeaky wheel!! I hope this all makes sense it’s hard to write everything out lol. Good luck!, Ok. So here’s the thing. Einstein was autistic. It has NOTHING to do with intelligence. To say he’s being sent home from school for autistic behaviors but he’s too bright to be autistic is like saying your car can’t be broken down because it’s a Ferrari. You sadly need an evaluation from a qualified individual. There is help for disability. You have evidence. He’s being sent home from school. You’ll have a diagnosis. You can detail why it’s impossible to hold a job., We don’t qualify for SSID. He is too high functioning based on their requirements and the evaluator we were sent to. We were denied and I appealed twice. From what I’ve been told you cannot get SSID if behavioral concerns are your only disability., 100% this. I might also lurk in the r/specialed sub to see ideas from actual teachers. OP, you might need an advocate. Your kid’s rights are being violated., That’s insane. I have a few friends who are parents of high functioning children with autism and they still receive SSI. As long as child has a diagnosis, they should qualify. I’d re-apply., Good advice on the lurking ! I’m actually a former teacher but I’ve been out of the game for a few years so there’s prob stuff I forgot. I also have 1 asd kiddo w an IEP & 1 non asd kiddo that has an IEP basically just for his functional behavior at school., I have applied as recently as 6 months ago and just finished the appeal a couple weeks ago and was still denied. 🤷🏻‍♀️, I think the diagnosis might be key here, as the behaviors would probably need to be tied to the diagnosis to be considered disabling for SSI. OP, have you tried getting a private diagnosis? That could also help with getting an IEP at school. If your son’s behavior is getting him sent home regularly, there are probably other behaviors happening at school as well. In all, these are probably preventing him from getting an education, which is why an IEP would be helpful and appropriate but you may need to try to the school by showing them an outside evaluation for ASD, rather than relying on the school to come to the right conclusions themselves. My understanding is that when the schools do evaluations, they are only looking at how ability to get an education is affected, not doing a full evaluation of whether someone has a particular condition. You might want to reach out to your pediatrician to get some referrals to psychologists or developmental pediatricians who can diagnose your son, if you don’t have an “official” diagnosis already. Finally, I’m a divorced mom as well with an aggressive 7 year old. It has been a rough school year and we also don’t have after care (or summer care) for the reasons you mentioned. My kid’s dad is involved so we both answer calls for early pick ups. I’m lucky because I have a job with lots of flexibility and can wfh, but it is really tough. This isn’t an easy path. There is a lot of scrambling and playing it by ear. Hopefully you can eventually figure something out that kind of works for you.

Single parent with a career?

Hello! I would love to hear positive stories of making it work with an autistic child and a career. I have three year old twins, and one of them was diagnosed as level 3 autistic around 24 months old. He is nonverbal, although I can definitely tell that he’s starting to try to say some words. He even started counting to ten a few weeks ago! I have always been a very career driven person, and now i find myself in a position where I am going to be a single parent so i have no choice but to work. I accepted a job last year as an air traffic controller. As crazy as it sounds, it is a dream job and I am currently about a year into training. I had to move away from all of my family and friends for this job. I’d love to hear from other parents who managed having an autistic child and a full time career. Im making it work now, but I spend hours a day anxious about the future. It’s hard enough finding childcare, let alone childcare for a high needs child. I am very nervous that I will have to give up my job in order to move closer to family to have more support. But moving back home would mean I’d lose this amazing job opportunity that could fund things like private school for him in the future. Plus the job is the one thing I have in life that feels like it’s just for ME. How did you manage to make it work and deal with the guilt? I see so many people homeschooling their autistic kids and I feel immense guilt that that isn’t something I can do as a single parent.

Public schools often have resources like speech therapy and OT in the school. You also mentioned private schools- there are some out there that cater to autistic or neurodiverse kids. I wouldn't automatically assume homeschooling is best for your child. , Yeah I feel you, I love my job and dont see myself letting go of it any time soon, but I wouldn’t even be able to work it if I didn’t have family support. Air traffic control is a great job opportunity and I’d hate to see you lose it because you don’t have support. I take it your family is not willing to move where you’re at, so either continue to pay for the appropriate childcare/resources or sacrifice it for your little one. What kind of help do you currently have if you don’t mind me asking, I am a single parent, bio dad takes the kids every other weekend. I have an autistic /ADHD 10 year old, a 6 year old with a moderate intellectual disability (special education) and a severe language disorder, and a teen boy who’s on a wild streak. Despite all this, I’m a professional engineer with a very well paying job. The key is to find ressources and to work for a company with flexibility. I can take time off when I have appointments and can work remotely when my kids need to stay home. I’m realistic on meals and my older kids often cook for themselves., They are currently in daycare! I’m so thankful for the place they’re at because it’s really hard to even find a place willing to take on a child with autism. My big concern comes with them starting school, and how i will do drop offs or pick ups depending on my schedule. Air traffic has wonky hours, to make it worse. my family isn’t in a position to move right now, unfortunately. I also got placed in Memphis, which is like the worst possible place haha. I’m determined to make it work though because i really love my job! I just hate feeling guilty that I can’t stay home with my kids, and the stress of childcare eats away at me., Public schools often have resources like speech therapy and OT in the school. You also mentioned private schools- there are some out there that cater to autistic or neurodiverse kids. I wouldn't automatically assume homeschooling is best for your child. , Yeah I feel you, I love my job and dont see myself letting go of it any time soon, but I wouldn’t even be able to work it if I didn’t have family support. Air traffic control is a great job opportunity and I’d hate to see you lose it because you don’t have support. I take it your family is not willing to move where you’re at, so either continue to pay for the appropriate childcare/resources or sacrifice it for your little one. What kind of help do you currently have if you don’t mind me asking, I am a single parent, bio dad takes the kids every other weekend. I have an autistic /ADHD 10 year old, a 6 year old with a moderate intellectual disability (special education) and a severe language disorder, and a teen boy who’s on a wild streak. Despite all this, I’m a professional engineer with a very well paying job. The key is to find ressources and to work for a company with flexibility. I can take time off when I have appointments and can work remotely when my kids need to stay home. I’m realistic on meals and my older kids often cook for themselves., They are currently in daycare! I’m so thankful for the place they’re at because it’s really hard to even find a place willing to take on a child with autism. My big concern comes with them starting school, and how i will do drop offs or pick ups depending on my schedule. Air traffic has wonky hours, to make it worse. my family isn’t in a position to move right now, unfortunately. I also got placed in Memphis, which is like the worst possible place haha. I’m determined to make it work though because i really love my job! I just hate feeling guilty that I can’t stay home with my kids, and the stress of childcare eats away at me., Public schools often have resources like speech therapy and OT in the school. You also mentioned private schools- there are some out there that cater to autistic or neurodiverse kids. I wouldn't automatically assume homeschooling is best for your child. , Yeah I feel you, I love my job and dont see myself letting go of it any time soon, but I wouldn’t even be able to work it if I didn’t have family support. Air traffic control is a great job opportunity and I’d hate to see you lose it because you don’t have support. I take it your family is not willing to move where you’re at, so either continue to pay for the appropriate childcare/resources or sacrifice it for your little one. What kind of help do you currently have if you don’t mind me asking, I am a single parent, bio dad takes the kids every other weekend. I have an autistic /ADHD 10 year old, a 6 year old with a moderate intellectual disability (special education) and a severe language disorder, and a teen boy who’s on a wild streak. Despite all this, I’m a professional engineer with a very well paying job. The key is to find ressources and to work for a company with flexibility. I can take time off when I have appointments and can work remotely when my kids need to stay home. I’m realistic on meals and my older kids often cook for themselves., They are currently in daycare! I’m so thankful for the place they’re at because it’s really hard to even find a place willing to take on a child with autism. My big concern comes with them starting school, and how i will do drop offs or pick ups depending on my schedule. Air traffic has wonky hours, to make it worse. my family isn’t in a position to move right now, unfortunately. I also got placed in Memphis, which is like the worst possible place haha. I’m determined to make it work though because i really love my job! I just hate feeling guilty that I can’t stay home with my kids, and the stress of childcare eats away at me., Public schools often have resources like speech therapy and OT in the school. You also mentioned private schools- there are some out there that cater to autistic or neurodiverse kids. I wouldn't automatically assume homeschooling is best for your child. , Yeah I feel you, I love my job and dont see myself letting go of it any time soon, but I wouldn’t even be able to work it if I didn’t have family support. Air traffic control is a great job opportunity and I’d hate to see you lose it because you don’t have support. I take it your family is not willing to move where you’re at, so either continue to pay for the appropriate childcare/resources or sacrifice it for your little one. What kind of help do you currently have if you don’t mind me asking, I am a single parent, bio dad takes the kids every other weekend. I have an autistic /ADHD 10 year old, a 6 year old with a moderate intellectual disability (special education) and a severe language disorder, and a teen boy who’s on a wild streak. Despite all this, I’m a professional engineer with a very well paying job. The key is to find ressources and to work for a company with flexibility. I can take time off when I have appointments and can work remotely when my kids need to stay home. I’m realistic on meals and my older kids often cook for themselves., They are currently in daycare! I’m so thankful for the place they’re at because it’s really hard to even find a place willing to take on a child with autism. My big concern comes with them starting school, and how i will do drop offs or pick ups depending on my schedule. Air traffic has wonky hours, to make it worse. my family isn’t in a position to move right now, unfortunately. I also got placed in Memphis, which is like the worst possible place haha. I’m determined to make it work though because i really love my job! I just hate feeling guilty that I can’t stay home with my kids, and the stress of childcare eats away at me.

Single parents/people parenting alone with multiple kids

I have two young children on the spectrum. They both elope often, one of my children is very aggressive and they both need 1:1 care unless in our own home. I have a husband I am separated from. He works a lot and also disappears often. I don’t have much family to help out. My stbx husband has none that can currently help. There are events I would love to take my children to but since they need 1:1 care and their dad is always who knows where, I end up not being able to (trust me I’ve tried to do it by myself it’s impossible and dangerous). Any other single parents of multiples care to share what they do to be able to attend events with their children? Is this something Medicaid could help with paying for a care worker(or is that even a thing?)? Or would I just have to find help out of pocket?

Depending on where you live, there could be medicaid waiver funding that could help. Sometimes, though, there are long waitlists for funding. Do you have a supports coordinator? That is who helped me apply for a medicaid waiver to be paid as a caregiver for my son. Are your children still small enough to fit in a double stroller? If not, medicaid can absolutely pay for adaptive strollers (there are so many different types to choose from). I have yet to see an adaptive double stroller, but Amazon sells a lot of different styles of stroller connectors that may work to hold 2 adaptive strollers together. [Here is an example of one type of stroller connector.](https://www.amazon.com/Strollers-Connectors-Universal-Single-Stroller/dp/B07QB74WXD/ref=sr_1_7_sspa?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Njy3fwgklmhbbIEzrVvyCrthp1gP5xRfcEPfzmLahcNtis_Uqms2FVBqRL9xrP4QzmY878J-GGBE9grNOkbINZbg3-tx23SBvqMjMqjlfh8ui9ccfFdvAcqEnKM5sw-FfpRnA3w6r8Mjg2LQlIMyDqZTVIMxE_ftrdVRUByBByQ0h5jF226yLszlOGVThb2BAMDPv3Ivlce24WUG6ADsiF0CyzMhLMD28U9P06SwZezEoVhNos2odjSi4UcTOcJczMIgUkvBeJYszCKju_qJJJWZwOTxf-nVdqVO05wbAVM.kK1-HxJu73V22M1dGDR6NC-Oq7vJhtA5n7dJgZapjZE&dib_tag=se&keywords=universal+Baby+Stroller+Connectors&qid=1711204247&s=baby-products&sr=1-7-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9tdGY&psc=1) I use an adaptive stroller for my 18 year old son because he has no impulse control and no sense of danger. He is also faster than I am now. So this is the only way we can go out into the community safely. [Variety - the Children's Charity](https://variety.org/) may also be able to help you secure an adaptive stroller for each child. Every chapter varies in what they provide, so it is worth a look to see if there is one in your area. My chapter provides strollers, adaptive bikes and an iPad preloaded with AAC softwer. Here are some other options: [Here is a wrist style harness that locks](https://www.amazon.com/Toddler-Harness-Walking-Leash-Child/dp/B093KHN1T4/ref=sr_1_17?crid=FSJ7V0AJFV66&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.J3QOzxZ_zkmvqjbekcCRDh9T2VVOR3ThiCw9P4vaRzW9fq3ZvajnNI21Izc_JP9vmGyACRuoyJ0_FJNN-z8jrg2rp7ebxyzfbFIGWoLIOw063ivI-XPaYt2frm7E4ZbnN9fnqQbtZI1oFzr-SsUqzHSp1jdtAABbSnnTis6WBuVdyhwFraDDthqbQrmLxZa8FkOq0x5U_eNMFTXptfdBilypbi1ZwD4rt9W2-_Q8SckOQCUgtAxCLT4chLDy9tcsy8DEvypcmrVISXIlcIcYiij8wdWbtmJVCXrHVuV6wwU.LLTAe3Ldbi6ZU5nDqq2tVe2PpQqtKaBZyM3v6v83BRQ&dib_tag=se&keywords=special+needs+harness+for+walking&qid=1711204619&sprefix=Special+needs+harness%2Caps%2C97&sr=8-17) [Here is a walking harness with a grab handle](https://www.amazon.com/Walking-Harness-Children-Adjustable-Awareness/dp/B0CBJLJBHC/ref=sr_1_5?crid=FSJ7V0AJFV66&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.J3QOzxZ_zkmvqjbekcCRDh9T2VVOR3ThiCw9P4vaRzW9fq3ZvajnNI21Izc_JP9vmGyACRuoyJ0_FJNN-z8jrg2rp7ebxyzfbFIGWoLIOw063ivI-XPaYt2frm7E4ZbnN9fnqQbtZI1oFzr-SsUqzHSp1jdtAABbSnnTis6WBuVdyhwFraDDthqbQrmLxZa8FkOq0x5U_eNMFTXptfdBilypbi1ZwD4rt9W2-_Q8SckOQCUgtAxCLT4chLDy9tcsy8DEvypcmrVISXIlcIcYiij8wdWbtmJVCXrHVuV6wwU.LLTAe3Ldbi6ZU5nDqq2tVe2PpQqtKaBZyM3v6v83BRQ&dib_tag=se&keywords=special+needs+harness+for+walking&qid=1711204767&sprefix=Special+needs+harness%2Caps%2C97&sr=8-5) I have these on every jacket zipper pull. You can even pin it to the back of a shirt if need be: [Medical Alert Dog Tags](https://www.etsy.com/listing/766626305/personalized-medical-alert-id-custom?click_key=cad97430ab59c3b2c391d6496dd92a27e0214828%3A766626305&click_sum=4c7910b3&ref=user_profile&pro=1) Here is a link to Jiobit, an affordable gps tracker that I have used for years. There are many ways to attach it. I actually just put the Jiobit in a baby sock and use [these](https://www.amazon.com/Pins-PinionPins-Magnetic-Duvet-Clips/dp/B00OACKW3O/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?crid=3RF2IGQUGLQ6H&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.xa2-Dcj2WGAf3Jw89IXZfzImE4k5fu0ekmu2UO1pmDrsWsykZItDqVx6aj9zwKRqqfqkX0cp2ezgr59AIeI89mzPzpLye71LDHGe0R7TOafpPc_cgZ9cyhbHc1clkWCDVOSZ7vnJqFHrhvoPV1JLrp7etExMU-Kro1TKym2HNhThKisV97X-gLXk4CU7r7zmNlX9NpCZl4t48t77olJbAt8HoQnYigTpy53ONtJWW7kJcuQFS4rUzzhmnnTCVILgsvG-F1ebaPcr0EI9PS68a1MXmVjKmt5gMhLr34M5Sjc.2V_6tK8AlUDXhkbbbIx0zf1i4NwEyL2u_uN6Gyt2hXQ&dib_tag=se&keywords=duvet%2Bpins&qid=1711205072&sprefix=duvet%2Bpins%2Caps%2C91&sr=8-1-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGY&th=1) to attach to the back of my son's shirt. I hope that some of this will be helpful to you and your littles., If you get funding for community aid that can help. Or respite to watch one while you take the other one out. Talk to your worker about options., I have 3 kids and my two youngest are on the spectrum. I don’t have much family that can help but an amazing sisterhood of friends. Everywhere we go I’ll take either a single childless friend or a mom friend or two. They are so helpful and an extra set of eyes is a blessing. My two both are runners and one is nonverbal. I used to have a double stroller I’d cart them all over in and that was awesome cause when they were being feisty or on sensory overload it was my saving grace. They are both very tall and they outgrew it. I finally got insurance to approve an adaptive stroller and that was awesome. It has a five point harness and is so helpful. I wish it was a double cause I have no idea how I’ll push them separately. My older son is getting so much better and is t eloping like he used to so lately I’ve been putting the younger one in it and having the older one walk. Also a leash is amazing in public as well. Idgaf about the evil looks you get from people. It’s all about safety. My boys are currently 5 & 6 and truly the more you get them out the better it is. It’s getting to the point where I can handle them on my own in many places and don’t need any extra help although it’s always appreciated. My x is an addict and doesn’t help at all!, I have 4 kids, 3 autistic(5,4 and 2)! I’m not single but my partner never wants to go anywhere so I’m doing it alone ALOT! I have 2 elopers! The Wonderfold wagon was the best stroller/wagon I ever bought and it’s helped with outings so much! They are expensive though but I think through Medicaid you can be approved. If you haven’t already I would suggest to get handicapped parking as well. Parking closer to places your going to makes things less stressful as well and since your kids are elopers all you have to do is get paperwork signed by your pediatrician and go to the dmv., The stroller connector is exactly what I need! Thanks so much!!!!!, Glad I could help you!!, Depending on where you live, there could be medicaid waiver funding that could help. Sometimes, though, there are long waitlists for funding. Do you have a supports coordinator? That is who helped me apply for a medicaid waiver to be paid as a caregiver for my son. Are your children still small enough to fit in a double stroller? If not, medicaid can absolutely pay for adaptive strollers (there are so many different types to choose from). I have yet to see an adaptive double stroller, but Amazon sells a lot of different styles of stroller connectors that may work to hold 2 adaptive strollers together. [Here is an example of one type of stroller connector.](https://www.amazon.com/Strollers-Connectors-Universal-Single-Stroller/dp/B07QB74WXD/ref=sr_1_7_sspa?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Njy3fwgklmhbbIEzrVvyCrthp1gP5xRfcEPfzmLahcNtis_Uqms2FVBqRL9xrP4QzmY878J-GGBE9grNOkbINZbg3-tx23SBvqMjMqjlfh8ui9ccfFdvAcqEnKM5sw-FfpRnA3w6r8Mjg2LQlIMyDqZTVIMxE_ftrdVRUByBByQ0h5jF226yLszlOGVThb2BAMDPv3Ivlce24WUG6ADsiF0CyzMhLMD28U9P06SwZezEoVhNos2odjSi4UcTOcJczMIgUkvBeJYszCKju_qJJJWZwOTxf-nVdqVO05wbAVM.kK1-HxJu73V22M1dGDR6NC-Oq7vJhtA5n7dJgZapjZE&dib_tag=se&keywords=universal+Baby+Stroller+Connectors&qid=1711204247&s=baby-products&sr=1-7-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9tdGY&psc=1) I use an adaptive stroller for my 18 year old son because he has no impulse control and no sense of danger. He is also faster than I am now. So this is the only way we can go out into the community safely. [Variety - the Children's Charity](https://variety.org/) may also be able to help you secure an adaptive stroller for each child. Every chapter varies in what they provide, so it is worth a look to see if there is one in your area. My chapter provides strollers, adaptive bikes and an iPad preloaded with AAC softwer. Here are some other options: [Here is a wrist style harness that locks](https://www.amazon.com/Toddler-Harness-Walking-Leash-Child/dp/B093KHN1T4/ref=sr_1_17?crid=FSJ7V0AJFV66&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.J3QOzxZ_zkmvqjbekcCRDh9T2VVOR3ThiCw9P4vaRzW9fq3ZvajnNI21Izc_JP9vmGyACRuoyJ0_FJNN-z8jrg2rp7ebxyzfbFIGWoLIOw063ivI-XPaYt2frm7E4ZbnN9fnqQbtZI1oFzr-SsUqzHSp1jdtAABbSnnTis6WBuVdyhwFraDDthqbQrmLxZa8FkOq0x5U_eNMFTXptfdBilypbi1ZwD4rt9W2-_Q8SckOQCUgtAxCLT4chLDy9tcsy8DEvypcmrVISXIlcIcYiij8wdWbtmJVCXrHVuV6wwU.LLTAe3Ldbi6ZU5nDqq2tVe2PpQqtKaBZyM3v6v83BRQ&dib_tag=se&keywords=special+needs+harness+for+walking&qid=1711204619&sprefix=Special+needs+harness%2Caps%2C97&sr=8-17) [Here is a walking harness with a grab handle](https://www.amazon.com/Walking-Harness-Children-Adjustable-Awareness/dp/B0CBJLJBHC/ref=sr_1_5?crid=FSJ7V0AJFV66&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.J3QOzxZ_zkmvqjbekcCRDh9T2VVOR3ThiCw9P4vaRzW9fq3ZvajnNI21Izc_JP9vmGyACRuoyJ0_FJNN-z8jrg2rp7ebxyzfbFIGWoLIOw063ivI-XPaYt2frm7E4ZbnN9fnqQbtZI1oFzr-SsUqzHSp1jdtAABbSnnTis6WBuVdyhwFraDDthqbQrmLxZa8FkOq0x5U_eNMFTXptfdBilypbi1ZwD4rt9W2-_Q8SckOQCUgtAxCLT4chLDy9tcsy8DEvypcmrVISXIlcIcYiij8wdWbtmJVCXrHVuV6wwU.LLTAe3Ldbi6ZU5nDqq2tVe2PpQqtKaBZyM3v6v83BRQ&dib_tag=se&keywords=special+needs+harness+for+walking&qid=1711204767&sprefix=Special+needs+harness%2Caps%2C97&sr=8-5) I have these on every jacket zipper pull. You can even pin it to the back of a shirt if need be: [Medical Alert Dog Tags](https://www.etsy.com/listing/766626305/personalized-medical-alert-id-custom?click_key=cad97430ab59c3b2c391d6496dd92a27e0214828%3A766626305&click_sum=4c7910b3&ref=user_profile&pro=1) Here is a link to Jiobit, an affordable gps tracker that I have used for years. There are many ways to attach it. I actually just put the Jiobit in a baby sock and use [these](https://www.amazon.com/Pins-PinionPins-Magnetic-Duvet-Clips/dp/B00OACKW3O/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?crid=3RF2IGQUGLQ6H&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.xa2-Dcj2WGAf3Jw89IXZfzImE4k5fu0ekmu2UO1pmDrsWsykZItDqVx6aj9zwKRqqfqkX0cp2ezgr59AIeI89mzPzpLye71LDHGe0R7TOafpPc_cgZ9cyhbHc1clkWCDVOSZ7vnJqFHrhvoPV1JLrp7etExMU-Kro1TKym2HNhThKisV97X-gLXk4CU7r7zmNlX9NpCZl4t48t77olJbAt8HoQnYigTpy53ONtJWW7kJcuQFS4rUzzhmnnTCVILgsvG-F1ebaPcr0EI9PS68a1MXmVjKmt5gMhLr34M5Sjc.2V_6tK8AlUDXhkbbbIx0zf1i4NwEyL2u_uN6Gyt2hXQ&dib_tag=se&keywords=duvet%2Bpins&qid=1711205072&sprefix=duvet%2Bpins%2Caps%2C91&sr=8-1-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGY&th=1) to attach to the back of my son's shirt. I hope that some of this will be helpful to you and your littles., If you get funding for community aid that can help. Or respite to watch one while you take the other one out. Talk to your worker about options., I have 3 kids and my two youngest are on the spectrum. I don’t have much family that can help but an amazing sisterhood of friends. Everywhere we go I’ll take either a single childless friend or a mom friend or two. They are so helpful and an extra set of eyes is a blessing. My two both are runners and one is nonverbal. I used to have a double stroller I’d cart them all over in and that was awesome cause when they were being feisty or on sensory overload it was my saving grace. They are both very tall and they outgrew it. I finally got insurance to approve an adaptive stroller and that was awesome. It has a five point harness and is so helpful. I wish it was a double cause I have no idea how I’ll push them separately. My older son is getting so much better and is t eloping like he used to so lately I’ve been putting the younger one in it and having the older one walk. Also a leash is amazing in public as well. Idgaf about the evil looks you get from people. It’s all about safety. My boys are currently 5 & 6 and truly the more you get them out the better it is. It’s getting to the point where I can handle them on my own in many places and don’t need any extra help although it’s always appreciated. My x is an addict and doesn’t help at all!, I have 4 kids, 3 autistic(5,4 and 2)! I’m not single but my partner never wants to go anywhere so I’m doing it alone ALOT! I have 2 elopers! The Wonderfold wagon was the best stroller/wagon I ever bought and it’s helped with outings so much! They are expensive though but I think through Medicaid you can be approved. If you haven’t already I would suggest to get handicapped parking as well. Parking closer to places your going to makes things less stressful as well and since your kids are elopers all you have to do is get paperwork signed by your pediatrician and go to the dmv., The stroller connector is exactly what I need! Thanks so much!!!!!, Glad I could help you!!, Depending on where you live, there could be medicaid waiver funding that could help. Sometimes, though, there are long waitlists for funding. Do you have a supports coordinator? That is who helped me apply for a medicaid waiver to be paid as a caregiver for my son. Are your children still small enough to fit in a double stroller? If not, medicaid can absolutely pay for adaptive strollers (there are so many different types to choose from). I have yet to see an adaptive double stroller, but Amazon sells a lot of different styles of stroller connectors that may work to hold 2 adaptive strollers together. [Here is an example of one type of stroller connector.](https://www.amazon.com/Strollers-Connectors-Universal-Single-Stroller/dp/B07QB74WXD/ref=sr_1_7_sspa?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Njy3fwgklmhbbIEzrVvyCrthp1gP5xRfcEPfzmLahcNtis_Uqms2FVBqRL9xrP4QzmY878J-GGBE9grNOkbINZbg3-tx23SBvqMjMqjlfh8ui9ccfFdvAcqEnKM5sw-FfpRnA3w6r8Mjg2LQlIMyDqZTVIMxE_ftrdVRUByBByQ0h5jF226yLszlOGVThb2BAMDPv3Ivlce24WUG6ADsiF0CyzMhLMD28U9P06SwZezEoVhNos2odjSi4UcTOcJczMIgUkvBeJYszCKju_qJJJWZwOTxf-nVdqVO05wbAVM.kK1-HxJu73V22M1dGDR6NC-Oq7vJhtA5n7dJgZapjZE&dib_tag=se&keywords=universal+Baby+Stroller+Connectors&qid=1711204247&s=baby-products&sr=1-7-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9tdGY&psc=1) I use an adaptive stroller for my 18 year old son because he has no impulse control and no sense of danger. He is also faster than I am now. So this is the only way we can go out into the community safely. [Variety - the Children's Charity](https://variety.org/) may also be able to help you secure an adaptive stroller for each child. Every chapter varies in what they provide, so it is worth a look to see if there is one in your area. My chapter provides strollers, adaptive bikes and an iPad preloaded with AAC softwer. Here are some other options: [Here is a wrist style harness that locks](https://www.amazon.com/Toddler-Harness-Walking-Leash-Child/dp/B093KHN1T4/ref=sr_1_17?crid=FSJ7V0AJFV66&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.J3QOzxZ_zkmvqjbekcCRDh9T2VVOR3ThiCw9P4vaRzW9fq3ZvajnNI21Izc_JP9vmGyACRuoyJ0_FJNN-z8jrg2rp7ebxyzfbFIGWoLIOw063ivI-XPaYt2frm7E4ZbnN9fnqQbtZI1oFzr-SsUqzHSp1jdtAABbSnnTis6WBuVdyhwFraDDthqbQrmLxZa8FkOq0x5U_eNMFTXptfdBilypbi1ZwD4rt9W2-_Q8SckOQCUgtAxCLT4chLDy9tcsy8DEvypcmrVISXIlcIcYiij8wdWbtmJVCXrHVuV6wwU.LLTAe3Ldbi6ZU5nDqq2tVe2PpQqtKaBZyM3v6v83BRQ&dib_tag=se&keywords=special+needs+harness+for+walking&qid=1711204619&sprefix=Special+needs+harness%2Caps%2C97&sr=8-17) [Here is a walking harness with a grab handle](https://www.amazon.com/Walking-Harness-Children-Adjustable-Awareness/dp/B0CBJLJBHC/ref=sr_1_5?crid=FSJ7V0AJFV66&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.J3QOzxZ_zkmvqjbekcCRDh9T2VVOR3ThiCw9P4vaRzW9fq3ZvajnNI21Izc_JP9vmGyACRuoyJ0_FJNN-z8jrg2rp7ebxyzfbFIGWoLIOw063ivI-XPaYt2frm7E4ZbnN9fnqQbtZI1oFzr-SsUqzHSp1jdtAABbSnnTis6WBuVdyhwFraDDthqbQrmLxZa8FkOq0x5U_eNMFTXptfdBilypbi1ZwD4rt9W2-_Q8SckOQCUgtAxCLT4chLDy9tcsy8DEvypcmrVISXIlcIcYiij8wdWbtmJVCXrHVuV6wwU.LLTAe3Ldbi6ZU5nDqq2tVe2PpQqtKaBZyM3v6v83BRQ&dib_tag=se&keywords=special+needs+harness+for+walking&qid=1711204767&sprefix=Special+needs+harness%2Caps%2C97&sr=8-5) I have these on every jacket zipper pull. You can even pin it to the back of a shirt if need be: [Medical Alert Dog Tags](https://www.etsy.com/listing/766626305/personalized-medical-alert-id-custom?click_key=cad97430ab59c3b2c391d6496dd92a27e0214828%3A766626305&click_sum=4c7910b3&ref=user_profile&pro=1) Here is a link to Jiobit, an affordable gps tracker that I have used for years. There are many ways to attach it. I actually just put the Jiobit in a baby sock and use [these](https://www.amazon.com/Pins-PinionPins-Magnetic-Duvet-Clips/dp/B00OACKW3O/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?crid=3RF2IGQUGLQ6H&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.xa2-Dcj2WGAf3Jw89IXZfzImE4k5fu0ekmu2UO1pmDrsWsykZItDqVx6aj9zwKRqqfqkX0cp2ezgr59AIeI89mzPzpLye71LDHGe0R7TOafpPc_cgZ9cyhbHc1clkWCDVOSZ7vnJqFHrhvoPV1JLrp7etExMU-Kro1TKym2HNhThKisV97X-gLXk4CU7r7zmNlX9NpCZl4t48t77olJbAt8HoQnYigTpy53ONtJWW7kJcuQFS4rUzzhmnnTCVILgsvG-F1ebaPcr0EI9PS68a1MXmVjKmt5gMhLr34M5Sjc.2V_6tK8AlUDXhkbbbIx0zf1i4NwEyL2u_uN6Gyt2hXQ&dib_tag=se&keywords=duvet%2Bpins&qid=1711205072&sprefix=duvet%2Bpins%2Caps%2C91&sr=8-1-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGY&th=1) to attach to the back of my son's shirt. I hope that some of this will be helpful to you and your littles., If you get funding for community aid that can help. Or respite to watch one while you take the other one out. Talk to your worker about options., I have 3 kids and my two youngest are on the spectrum. I don’t have much family that can help but an amazing sisterhood of friends. Everywhere we go I’ll take either a single childless friend or a mom friend or two. They are so helpful and an extra set of eyes is a blessing. My two both are runners and one is nonverbal. I used to have a double stroller I’d cart them all over in and that was awesome cause when they were being feisty or on sensory overload it was my saving grace. They are both very tall and they outgrew it. I finally got insurance to approve an adaptive stroller and that was awesome. It has a five point harness and is so helpful. I wish it was a double cause I have no idea how I’ll push them separately. My older son is getting so much better and is t eloping like he used to so lately I’ve been putting the younger one in it and having the older one walk. Also a leash is amazing in public as well. Idgaf about the evil looks you get from people. It’s all about safety. My boys are currently 5 & 6 and truly the more you get them out the better it is. It’s getting to the point where I can handle them on my own in many places and don’t need any extra help although it’s always appreciated. My x is an addict and doesn’t help at all!, I have 4 kids, 3 autistic(5,4 and 2)! I’m not single but my partner never wants to go anywhere so I’m doing it alone ALOT! I have 2 elopers! The Wonderfold wagon was the best stroller/wagon I ever bought and it’s helped with outings so much! They are expensive though but I think through Medicaid you can be approved. If you haven’t already I would suggest to get handicapped parking as well. Parking closer to places your going to makes things less stressful as well and since your kids are elopers all you have to do is get paperwork signed by your pediatrician and go to the dmv., The stroller connector is exactly what I need! Thanks so much!!!!!, Glad I could help you!!, Depending on where you live, there could be medicaid waiver funding that could help. Sometimes, though, there are long waitlists for funding. Do you have a supports coordinator? That is who helped me apply for a medicaid waiver to be paid as a caregiver for my son. Are your children still small enough to fit in a double stroller? If not, medicaid can absolutely pay for adaptive strollers (there are so many different types to choose from). I have yet to see an adaptive double stroller, but Amazon sells a lot of different styles of stroller connectors that may work to hold 2 adaptive strollers together. [Here is an example of one type of stroller connector.](https://www.amazon.com/Strollers-Connectors-Universal-Single-Stroller/dp/B07QB74WXD/ref=sr_1_7_sspa?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Njy3fwgklmhbbIEzrVvyCrthp1gP5xRfcEPfzmLahcNtis_Uqms2FVBqRL9xrP4QzmY878J-GGBE9grNOkbINZbg3-tx23SBvqMjMqjlfh8ui9ccfFdvAcqEnKM5sw-FfpRnA3w6r8Mjg2LQlIMyDqZTVIMxE_ftrdVRUByBByQ0h5jF226yLszlOGVThb2BAMDPv3Ivlce24WUG6ADsiF0CyzMhLMD28U9P06SwZezEoVhNos2odjSi4UcTOcJczMIgUkvBeJYszCKju_qJJJWZwOTxf-nVdqVO05wbAVM.kK1-HxJu73V22M1dGDR6NC-Oq7vJhtA5n7dJgZapjZE&dib_tag=se&keywords=universal+Baby+Stroller+Connectors&qid=1711204247&s=baby-products&sr=1-7-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9tdGY&psc=1) I use an adaptive stroller for my 18 year old son because he has no impulse control and no sense of danger. He is also faster than I am now. So this is the only way we can go out into the community safely. [Variety - the Children's Charity](https://variety.org/) may also be able to help you secure an adaptive stroller for each child. Every chapter varies in what they provide, so it is worth a look to see if there is one in your area. My chapter provides strollers, adaptive bikes and an iPad preloaded with AAC softwer. Here are some other options: [Here is a wrist style harness that locks](https://www.amazon.com/Toddler-Harness-Walking-Leash-Child/dp/B093KHN1T4/ref=sr_1_17?crid=FSJ7V0AJFV66&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.J3QOzxZ_zkmvqjbekcCRDh9T2VVOR3ThiCw9P4vaRzW9fq3ZvajnNI21Izc_JP9vmGyACRuoyJ0_FJNN-z8jrg2rp7ebxyzfbFIGWoLIOw063ivI-XPaYt2frm7E4ZbnN9fnqQbtZI1oFzr-SsUqzHSp1jdtAABbSnnTis6WBuVdyhwFraDDthqbQrmLxZa8FkOq0x5U_eNMFTXptfdBilypbi1ZwD4rt9W2-_Q8SckOQCUgtAxCLT4chLDy9tcsy8DEvypcmrVISXIlcIcYiij8wdWbtmJVCXrHVuV6wwU.LLTAe3Ldbi6ZU5nDqq2tVe2PpQqtKaBZyM3v6v83BRQ&dib_tag=se&keywords=special+needs+harness+for+walking&qid=1711204619&sprefix=Special+needs+harness%2Caps%2C97&sr=8-17) [Here is a walking harness with a grab handle](https://www.amazon.com/Walking-Harness-Children-Adjustable-Awareness/dp/B0CBJLJBHC/ref=sr_1_5?crid=FSJ7V0AJFV66&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.J3QOzxZ_zkmvqjbekcCRDh9T2VVOR3ThiCw9P4vaRzW9fq3ZvajnNI21Izc_JP9vmGyACRuoyJ0_FJNN-z8jrg2rp7ebxyzfbFIGWoLIOw063ivI-XPaYt2frm7E4ZbnN9fnqQbtZI1oFzr-SsUqzHSp1jdtAABbSnnTis6WBuVdyhwFraDDthqbQrmLxZa8FkOq0x5U_eNMFTXptfdBilypbi1ZwD4rt9W2-_Q8SckOQCUgtAxCLT4chLDy9tcsy8DEvypcmrVISXIlcIcYiij8wdWbtmJVCXrHVuV6wwU.LLTAe3Ldbi6ZU5nDqq2tVe2PpQqtKaBZyM3v6v83BRQ&dib_tag=se&keywords=special+needs+harness+for+walking&qid=1711204767&sprefix=Special+needs+harness%2Caps%2C97&sr=8-5) I have these on every jacket zipper pull. You can even pin it to the back of a shirt if need be: [Medical Alert Dog Tags](https://www.etsy.com/listing/766626305/personalized-medical-alert-id-custom?click_key=cad97430ab59c3b2c391d6496dd92a27e0214828%3A766626305&click_sum=4c7910b3&ref=user_profile&pro=1) Here is a link to Jiobit, an affordable gps tracker that I have used for years. There are many ways to attach it. I actually just put the Jiobit in a baby sock and use [these](https://www.amazon.com/Pins-PinionPins-Magnetic-Duvet-Clips/dp/B00OACKW3O/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?crid=3RF2IGQUGLQ6H&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.xa2-Dcj2WGAf3Jw89IXZfzImE4k5fu0ekmu2UO1pmDrsWsykZItDqVx6aj9zwKRqqfqkX0cp2ezgr59AIeI89mzPzpLye71LDHGe0R7TOafpPc_cgZ9cyhbHc1clkWCDVOSZ7vnJqFHrhvoPV1JLrp7etExMU-Kro1TKym2HNhThKisV97X-gLXk4CU7r7zmNlX9NpCZl4t48t77olJbAt8HoQnYigTpy53ONtJWW7kJcuQFS4rUzzhmnnTCVILgsvG-F1ebaPcr0EI9PS68a1MXmVjKmt5gMhLr34M5Sjc.2V_6tK8AlUDXhkbbbIx0zf1i4NwEyL2u_uN6Gyt2hXQ&dib_tag=se&keywords=duvet%2Bpins&qid=1711205072&sprefix=duvet%2Bpins%2Caps%2C91&sr=8-1-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGY&th=1) to attach to the back of my son's shirt. I hope that some of this will be helpful to you and your littles., If you get funding for community aid that can help. Or respite to watch one while you take the other one out. Talk to your worker about options., I have 3 kids and my two youngest are on the spectrum. I don’t have much family that can help but an amazing sisterhood of friends. Everywhere we go I’ll take either a single childless friend or a mom friend or two. They are so helpful and an extra set of eyes is a blessing. My two both are runners and one is nonverbal. I used to have a double stroller I’d cart them all over in and that was awesome cause when they were being feisty or on sensory overload it was my saving grace. They are both very tall and they outgrew it. I finally got insurance to approve an adaptive stroller and that was awesome. It has a five point harness and is so helpful. I wish it was a double cause I have no idea how I’ll push them separately. My older son is getting so much better and is t eloping like he used to so lately I’ve been putting the younger one in it and having the older one walk. Also a leash is amazing in public as well. Idgaf about the evil looks you get from people. It’s all about safety. My boys are currently 5 & 6 and truly the more you get them out the better it is. It’s getting to the point where I can handle them on my own in many places and don’t need any extra help although it’s always appreciated. My x is an addict and doesn’t help at all!, I have 4 kids, 3 autistic(5,4 and 2)! I’m not single but my partner never wants to go anywhere so I’m doing it alone ALOT! I have 2 elopers! The Wonderfold wagon was the best stroller/wagon I ever bought and it’s helped with outings so much! They are expensive though but I think through Medicaid you can be approved. If you haven’t already I would suggest to get handicapped parking as well. Parking closer to places your going to makes things less stressful as well and since your kids are elopers all you have to do is get paperwork signed by your pediatrician and go to the dmv., The stroller connector is exactly what I need! Thanks so much!!!!!, Glad I could help you!!

Sleep routine

Hiya, my daughter is 3 with autism and I'm getting to a breaking point with sleep. She refuses to go to sleep untill 11pm and has been waking up at 3am and not going back to bed untill 7am. I can barely function and noticed myself getting mood swings because of the frustration. I have tried cutting out her nap (she refuses to go for one untill 3:30pm) but every time I do she wakes up 3 hours later. Any advice would be appreciated.

This is my saving grace. My 3 year old LOVES his sleep. Not to sound like an animal tho but he is an active kid and we run him A LOT, Hey, my daughter is kinda like this too. She's done this exact thing a few times. But No nap she goes to bed at 7 and wakes up at 3 and will stay up for hours. Turns out no nap = night wakings. Nap = no night waking. So I just wake her up early and try to get her to nap between 1-2 for atleast 30 mins. Sometimes I have to sit with her because she will just toss and turn, yell, cry, etc. But she's very clearly tired.. I hope you can find something to help. I've considered magnesium but I haven't talked to the Dr about it yet., This is my saving grace. My 3 year old LOVES his sleep. Not to sound like an animal tho but he is an active kid and we run him A LOT, Hey, my daughter is kinda like this too. She's done this exact thing a few times. But No nap she goes to bed at 7 and wakes up at 3 and will stay up for hours. Turns out no nap = night wakings. Nap = no night waking. So I just wake her up early and try to get her to nap between 1-2 for atleast 30 mins. Sometimes I have to sit with her because she will just toss and turn, yell, cry, etc. But she's very clearly tired.. I hope you can find something to help. I've considered magnesium but I haven't talked to the Dr about it yet., This is my saving grace. My 3 year old LOVES his sleep. Not to sound like an animal tho but he is an active kid and we run him A LOT, Hey, my daughter is kinda like this too. She's done this exact thing a few times. But No nap she goes to bed at 7 and wakes up at 3 and will stay up for hours. Turns out no nap = night wakings. Nap = no night waking. So I just wake her up early and try to get her to nap between 1-2 for atleast 30 mins. Sometimes I have to sit with her because she will just toss and turn, yell, cry, etc. But she's very clearly tired.. I hope you can find something to help. I've considered magnesium but I haven't talked to the Dr about it yet., This is my saving grace. My 3 year old LOVES his sleep. Not to sound like an animal tho but he is an active kid and we run him A LOT, Hey, my daughter is kinda like this too. She's done this exact thing a few times. But No nap she goes to bed at 7 and wakes up at 3 and will stay up for hours. Turns out no nap = night wakings. Nap = no night waking. So I just wake her up early and try to get her to nap between 1-2 for atleast 30 mins. Sometimes I have to sit with her because she will just toss and turn, yell, cry, etc. But she's very clearly tired.. I hope you can find something to help. I've considered magnesium but I haven't talked to the Dr about it yet.

Sleep training

I have a 10 month old who is showing some signs of delays. At this time we are not looking for any diagnosis. My question is for parents who sleep trained their babies and later got to known of their child diagnosis. Do you regret it? Did it cause any regression or any other negative effect?

Sleep training actually worked really well for mine and started us on the right foot for routine. But it's not for everyone, Some parents can sleep train, but I tried it and found every time my little guy cried while trying to fall asleep - there was usually a reason (burp, diaper, tummy hurt, etc.). Now he’s a big toddler and I’m happy I got to hold him and rock him to sleep when he was that little. I miss rocking him! Check out the “le pause” method - it’s a good middle ground., We did a modified Ferber at 6 months (I never went over 5 minutes) and my daughter took to it very quickly. We also have always reinforced with pretty strict bedtime routine. She’s been a great sleeper and now is going on 7. Zero regrets. It’s really been a blessing and bedtime is usually a positive time for all of us. Routine is key, it’s a matter of figuring out what best works for your family., We sleep trained. I do not regret it one bit. I was so exhausted getting up 3-6 times a night that I was basically losing it. He does drastically better in his day to day when he is getting a full night of sleep in his bed. He has way less meltdowns. There are other options as well if you can’t commit to CIO. I loved It’s Never Too Late to Sleep Train. There are great pointers for getting bedroom ready, good bedtime routines, etc. I listened to the Audible. Good luck! May you soon get some good rest!, No not at all. Sleep trained both kids. They’re so secure and loving and amazing sleepers. We are a better family because of sleep training. It’s not for everyone but it was for us., No it's fine. My boy has autism. He went threw a period between 6-10months old where he wanted to pass out at 730pm, wake up around 1am and play until 3-4 am. We couldn't live like that. I started taking him for walks outside to keep him up until 9-930pm which fixed it. When he started crying at bedtime, I would leave him in his crib to cry for 10min, go in to rub his back and make sure he was ok and leave him (10min intervals). It lasted less than a week and he got into the routine that bed time was bed time. He's 3 now and has a routine with bath and everything before bed and he's so easy about it. Lays down and gives me a kiss Goodnight. Sleep training was probably the best decision in our household. NO SCREENS AT BEDTIME! :), I'm not anti-sleep training or anything, but we sleep trained and I regret it. It never really worked on my ASD kiddo. So after a lot of tears (mine and theirs), we were no further ahead. I later learned that my kid has serious attachment issues and a very difficult time falling asleep, so that might have been part of it., Sleep training didn’t work for my son. Autistic children often have major issues with sleep. He didn’t sleep through the night until around 14 months and only when we co slept. I would say definitely give a go and see if if works., Absolutely zero regrets. I went from staunchly anti sleep training to dealing with our sleep consultant who described our daughter as “her Everest”. Raising a special needs kid is particularly difficult. You ALL need all the sleep, rest, and recovery time you can get. Teaching independent sleep skills is hugely important. Now at 5.5 years old, we spend an hour or so getting her to bed each night. I can only imagine I’d take 3x longer if we didn’t sleep train. My husband and I literally talk about sleep training with hushed reverence. The hardest thing we’ve ever done but the best thing for all involved., I don't think it has any different effects vs the pros and cons with any child. One thing i would keep in mind is the anxiety factor, i have 2 girls with ASD and that is maybe the one thing i wish i could go back in time to guide some of my decisions. Vs thinking i should wait a set amount of time or i was doing something wrong if i didn't follow a guide or anything like that. I did pick up put down basically with my youngest around 6 months and would go in settle her, replace paci, then leave. Would do this over and over. Worked well and she only now at 3.5 is having some separation anxiety when i put her in bed but now we do songs and good night to our bodies and etc., No regrets at all! We didn’t sleep train my oldest until he was one. It took him 3-5 days to catch on but he was immediately a different child. He was so much happier once he started sleeping through the night. He has level 1 autism and inattentive ADHD. He’s also a huge sensory seeker and used to eat to the point of vomiting. I believe it all started from him nursing himself to sleep and using me as a pacifier. At 9 years old he no longer overeats, he’s now a typical super picky ASD kid who’s very particular about textures. We didn’t get his ASD diagnosis until he was 8. His 7 year old sister has ADHD, we have a neurotypical 4 year old, and just received a level 2 ASD diagnosis for his 2 year old brother. We are absolutely drowning, I can’t imagine how we would cope if they were not sleeping through the night (mostly)., We sleep trained, the classic go in and shush at increasingly longer intervals until they fall asleep. Did it at 4 mo and it only took 3 days. For a long time he only woke in the night if he was sick, now he’s waking more frequently (2-3 times a month) I believe because of his bladder/time to night train., Mine still don't sleep at 18 and 11 lol No amount of training would of helped, We sleep trained at 7 months old. Happy we did it. We did a version of Ferber, basically I went in and soothed when I felt like she needed me. She’s been a good sleeper ever since… up until a few weeks ago when we decided to break up with our pacifier. She still sleeps mostly good, but is definitely a bit more restless. If she wakes up crying- we still go in to soothe her. She’s just over 2.5 now, diagnosed with mild autism, and she’ll always get her mama when she needs me. :), Let me check this one

So burnt out with 3yo and desperate for some guidance on how to parent her

Please tell me what to do. I am so burnt out and pregnant with #2 so have no energy. I have been losing it at my toddler which is really not what I want to do. We are waitlisted for a paed assessment ASD +/- PDA (very likely as per my own therapist who has met my daughter). I am in therapy as mentioned but I am not coping. I struggle with sensory overload - consistent whinging/screaming/hitting/demands from my daughter. It is causing us both actual distress and I am having panic episodes very regularly of late. I try to have a solid flow to the day with her but lately things have really become unmanageable. The thing is, she is highly empathic, extremely intelligent for her age (assessed as 4-5yo intelligence at 2yo by paed, most likely gifted), and is SO sweet and loving. But the aggression and intensity freaks me out and I feel so guilty for my anger towards her in those moments - there can literally be around 20+ significant tantrums/meltdowns a day. She is very kind and caring with other children, still learning to take turns and things like that but is very interactive (perhaps too interactive, overfamiliar - ASD) and plays well with other children, listens to most adults. But she really changes with me (to a lesser extent, my husband) and this behaviour is really hard. I try to see it as a meltdown/loss of control thing but I don’t want her to keep hurting me and screaming all day. Some days she is just absolutely miserable. I used to be so involved with creating fun activities for her and really enjoying her (I’m a SAHM), had a clean house etc but I am SO worn down at this point and need to reassess the situation so I can parent better, especially as a new sibling will be arriving this year. I also have mild ASD - I haven’t been assessed yet but my therapist (who can’t assess me) says it is most definitely the case based on initial testing results and around 2 years of therapy with her. Sorry, this makes no sense. I am struggling so much. I am desperate for help.

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling. I don’t have a lot of experience as my child is grade 3 and non-verbal, but I didn’t want to read & not respond. What really helped me when my kiddo was younger was a book called THE REASON I JUMP by Naoki Higashida. It helped me to really understand & appreciate how my boy was experiencing the world & how that affects his behavior. The world is a confusing scary place that can often cause them distress. I found it helpful to create a very calm environment at home. I try to keep noises low and have created a space for my boy to retreat to where it’s dark and quiet. He enjoys a light projector or music sometimes, but I take his lead. Sensory Integration sessions with an Occupational Therapist was hugely helpful in supporting his regulation and helping us cope with his sensory seeking. It was great to have strategies to calm him down at bedtime. For me, an earbud in one ear is really helpful so I can cope. I struggled a lot with the sheer repetition of his activities & being constantly stuck at home, and audiobooks with one earbud saved my sanity, while still allowing me to be present & attentive. I hope some other parents that have more pertinent experience come along soon, all the best xx, I was there and some days still am, though 4 has been better than 3 which was better than 2 (and when I was pregnant with his baby brother I was just melting with fatigue and stress). I’m not the mom I wanted to be. What has helped me #1 is BREAKS. This means hiring babysitters (even if I’m just behind a closed door sorting laundry) and asking my husband to shoulder more. I used to always do bedtime, now we alternate. It won’t feel equal if you are a SAHM but you have to let it go and realize you need the help. #2 is to lean in to screen time. My kid learns a lot, finds watching TV to be very regulating, and an hour not jumping on me means I have better energy and mood to interact with him afterward. #3 We’ve been recommended PCIT (parent child interaction therapy). Havent started yet but the “pocket PCIT” page looks promising., My daughter is now 7 and had her first meltdown in weeks today. Back when she was the same age as your daughter it was hell. With the benefit of hindsight all I can say is survive it. It will get better. Don’t compare her to other kids and have an expectation of where she should be. Throw expectations and the idea that a routine will even work right now. It will come eventually, I hope you’ll look back on it like I am some day and are glad you just took each day at a time., Two things I recommend - the book The Explosive Child and the series of books called The Autism Discussion Page by Bill Nason. He also has a Facebook page by the same name where he posts the same content that’s in the books. Lots of practical, useful information., The best thing you can do for your daughter is focus on you and your regulation. It sounds like you really need a break. Is your daughter in childcare of any kind? Is it possible for her to go to daycare/ preschool (even a couple hours a day)? Do you have family members who could take her for the weekend so you can rest (or could you leave her with dad while you go stay somewhere for a couple nights)? Could you hire a babysitter for a couple hours a week? If you're into parenting books, I'd recommend Low Demand Parenting by Amanda Diekman. It's a very short and easy read. I'd also recommend Beyond Behaviours and Brain Body Parenting by Mona Delahooke and Self-Reg by Stuart Shankar, but they're a bit longer and harder to get through when you're in burnout imo., Thank you so much, I definitely want to work on creating a more calm home atmosphere for her. It is very nice but we live in an apartment - luckily moving next month to a house with a backyard. I think her screaming is more triggering being in our apartment because it can be heard by our many neighbours who have commented on it. They just think some really bad things could be happening to her and it makes me panic to the point where after around 30 mins straight of screaming I have put my hand over her mouth to try to get her to calm down. Which is obviously a terrible way of handling it but she can scream to the point of making herself vomit which is also horrific to manage. I felt so guilty for doing that and it’s terrible but I didn’t know what else to do to get her to calm down, cuddles and quiet dark room weren’t helping at that point. If I close the door for a minute she usually kicks it very hard and I worry about getting holes in it. If I walk away she charges at me. On the opposite end she will sometimes retreat and cry by herself which is absolutely heartbreaking and I cannot watch her like that. She will get herself a tissue and just sit and hide and cry. It seems like she has clinical anxiety and depression or something in those moments but then she will bounce back to her funny, cute, intelligent self and then the cycle continues. The world is so hard for her and I understand because I’ve experienced this to some extent but I got smacked and all of my toys taken away which looking back is quite horrific but my mum didn’t know how to handle it either. She started an OT program but we couldn’t afford to continue. I’m just anxiously waiting for her paed appt will be quite expensive too. Hopefully we could get some support from there. She has some earmuffs which she uses a lot - is very scared of noises: birds, planes, cars, everything :( I started finding them helpful too and will sometimes listen to a podcast or book to help regulate myself and not focus on her whinging/screaming etc but I think she perceives that I am not listening to her which makes everything harder. Thank you again, I just feel so lost and the judgement from others who don’t understand and just say she must be a naughty child with no good parenting is so hard. Distraction works well for her usually but it’s exhausting to distract her all day :/, Thank you. I’m glad you’re coping okay now, Yea I think this is the main problem here. I am trying to ask for help more and actually after the last few days I am considering getting a babysitter one day a week or something. I’m a SAHM and she isn’t in childcare. I sort of feel like a failure when I am getting someone else to look after her despite that being my job :( I know I need a break though. Thanks for the recommendations., The key is to prevent the meltdowns before they happen. There isn't a whole lot you can do once they reach that point. I also have a 3yo who vomits during meltdowns and can sometimes scream non-stop for 2+ hours. Thankfully, it doesn't happen as often these days, compared to a year ago, but it's so incredibly draining when it does. I'm completely depleted for hours/ days afterwards. My 5yo used to have intense meltdowns like you're describing, sometimes multiple times a day, but she's doing great now and her meltdowns are rare and over quickly. Things can get better! You're not alone., I've been in your position. It's really hard to ask for help when we've been told all our lives that we should be able to do everything on our own. And yet we're also told it takes a village.... I don't have a village. I have daycare. I was so burnt out before my kids started daycare that I thought I'd never recover. Things are so much better now. ETA: You're an autistic parent, parenting an autistic child with very high emotional support and regulation needs. You are parenting on hard mode. You can't hold yourself to the same standards as an NT parent with NT children., Thank you. It’s so hard. I’m sorry you’ve been through this too. I find it really hard to identify triggers because it seems like everything triggers her and I’m honestly so exhausted I can’t even write this out haha. I just don’t know. I try to distract her when I see she is getting frustrated and try to avoid activities that cause her to be very perfectionistic - eg she loves letters and wants to write them but obviously doesn’t have the dexterity to. So I got her wipeable books, letter cut outs with whiteboard markers, magnetic letters and letter stamps to avoid the frustration while still maintaining her interest. However, the plan didn’t work as well as I expected with this and she is so hard on herself. We are working on ‘it’s okay to make mistakes’ - I’m also a perfectionist and so I’m actively telling her when I make mistakes. She went along with it and seemed less distressed for a couple of weeks after implementing these strategies but now she just looks at me like I am stupid and is saying ‘I CAN’T DO IT’ all over. But if I don’t let her do the activities she loses it. Exhausting for both of us., I can’t believe I wrote ‘yea’ but anyway 😂 Yes, I resonate so much with this. I can’t parent effectively like this. I’ve considered waiting for right before the baby/ies (there is a high suspicion of twins this pregnancy because of a number of things that I probably don’t need to get into here haha) arrive to hire a ‘mothers helper’ who stays with you in the house but plays with your child and helps you clean up. That way I’ll feel like it’s perhaps more ‘justified’ and it could be a weekly thing. I’m glad you got help and didn’t let the guilt get in the way because we definitely don’t have a village anymore and it really and truly sucks. Also thank you for validating that this is hard and not just ‘parenting’ because it sure as hell feels harder than what I experienced as a nanny to many different families (though I know kids behave ‘better’ with people other than their primary caregivers)., If everything triggers her, the problem isn't the triggers. The problem is chronic nervous system dysregulation that needs to be addressed at the root. How is her sleep? Is she getting adequate nutrition? How much high-energy exercise (preferably outside if possible) is she getting? Are sensory needs being met? The book Self-Reg is really helpful for troubleshooting. If you don't have the time/ energy to read the whole book, you can get a lot of the same info from the blog. [https://self-reg.ca/self-reg-framework-5-domains-stress/](https://self-reg.ca/self-reg-framework-5-domains-stress/), A mothers helper sounds like it would be nice, but I think it's likely that you will still be hypervigilant/ walking on eggshells if you're in the house, especially if your daughter is melting down. It will be physically helpful, but probably not as helpful to your nervous system as you're imaging, unfortunately. Or not! You might have a totally different experience than me, but I had family come over to watch my kids while I rested pretty frequently and it didn't actually help me. I was still on constant alert and hearing my kid(s) scream and not going downstairs to help was just as/ more distressing than just being there. I think you would benefit from discussing the feelings you have around getting childcare (especially any shame that comes up around feeling inadequate or invalid for needing more help than you think you "should" need) in therapy. I felt the same way for a long time, but my mental health was suffering so much that I didn't really have a choice. I've been doing a lot of Internal Family Systems work and it's been really helpful for me., Thank you so much for the link. You’re right - she wakes up once a night and has night terrors at times which we will talk to her doctor about. She eats quite well but too much sugar (I need to stop allowing grandma to give it to her, she brings things home and demands them). She doesn’t run around enough which is why we are moving into a house with a backyard. I feel inspired to think of the most cosy place I would have loved to have as a child and create it for her. We do go out to nature playgroup and to the playground a lot though. It’s just not enough. I can’t wait to get a swing or something for her outside in the garden. In terms of sensory needs, she has a lot of sensory seeking behaviour - scratches my elbows, constantly has to be touching me (these things get really overwhelming for me after a whole day), flopping onto the bed, asking to be held upside down etc. Is there anything I can do to help her with this? We have ‘sensory’ toys but she doesn’t go for them anymore. She also loves dirty things up to a certain point at which she suddenly screams (it is quite unpredictable to me) to have her hands washed/shower - over very minimal ‘mess’ like slime, colourful rice, play-doh etc. Any suggestions? Again, thank you for your help. Also her expressive hand flapping has increased a lot lately. I notice she does it more when she is wanting to appear excited but I think she is just masking her high anxiety., I actually definitely see what you mean. My therapist has mentioned childcare quite a lot. I even feel like getting a one day a week nanny could be an option. Childcare is quite expensive where I am and there are minimal provisions for SAHMs. It would be hard to get your child into one without a full time job. It’s also silly but the illness worries me a lot (I have emetophobia). But she is starting kindergarten 2-3 days a week next year which will be good., Are we parenting the same kid? My 3yo is so similar. I can recommend yet another book, haha. The Out of Sync Child Has Fun is a book of sensory activities for kids with SPD. I also cannot say enough good things about The Occuplaytional Therapist. Everything she writes is pure gold. She has a lot of info on sensory processing and ideas for sensory seeking kids. [https://www.occuplaytional.com/](https://www.occuplaytional.com/) She's also on facebook and posts very frequently. Even when her posts are not particularly relevant to my kids, they make me feel so seen and have gone a long way toward healing my inner child. This post seems particularly relevant: [https://www.facebook.com/share/p/Xwisuh7maDu4LtW4/?mibextid=oFDknk](https://www.facebook.com/share/p/Xwisuh7maDu4LtW4/?mibextid=oFDknk), You can only do what you can do. It sucks that there aren't more affordable childcare options. Do you have play groups in your community? Here it's pretty common for a group of moms to form a play group in someone's home and hire a nanny (or sometimes ECE) to watch 4-5 kids for a couple hours a day., Thank you so much this is very helpful! I’m sorry you’re going through this. It makes me want to rip my hair out but I love her so much., That sounds great. We do usually attend weekly playgroup (two of them per week) but there is no one to look after your child, you watch them the whole time. I wish that were an option for me!, I totally get it. I was such a mess 2 years ago when my oldest was 3. She's amazing and I love her so much, but, oh man, that that was a hard age. It's easier with my son because I've seen first hand how much better things can get and I have both kids in childcare. Being a full time SAHM was SO HARD., It honestly is the hardest job in the world (at least for me). But I LOVE it. I am just so burnt out and need support to do my best. I have always wanted to be a mama and this is my dream but it’s so different to what I expected. I am really trying to find ways of relaxing and enjoying my daughter more x I just want her to be happy and feel loved. Lately she keeps whispering ‘I don’t love you’ in my ear at night before I cuddle her to sleep because she saw how upset it made me the first time she said it… I shouldn’t be sad and I know she doesn’t mean it, she is 3! But it breaks me., I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling. I don’t have a lot of experience as my child is grade 3 and non-verbal, but I didn’t want to read & not respond. What really helped me when my kiddo was younger was a book called THE REASON I JUMP by Naoki Higashida. It helped me to really understand & appreciate how my boy was experiencing the world & how that affects his behavior. The world is a confusing scary place that can often cause them distress. I found it helpful to create a very calm environment at home. I try to keep noises low and have created a space for my boy to retreat to where it’s dark and quiet. He enjoys a light projector or music sometimes, but I take his lead. Sensory Integration sessions with an Occupational Therapist was hugely helpful in supporting his regulation and helping us cope with his sensory seeking. It was great to have strategies to calm him down at bedtime. For me, an earbud in one ear is really helpful so I can cope. I struggled a lot with the sheer repetition of his activities & being constantly stuck at home, and audiobooks with one earbud saved my sanity, while still allowing me to be present & attentive. I hope some other parents that have more pertinent experience come along soon, all the best xx, I was there and some days still am, though 4 has been better than 3 which was better than 2 (and when I was pregnant with his baby brother I was just melting with fatigue and stress). I’m not the mom I wanted to be. What has helped me #1 is BREAKS. This means hiring babysitters (even if I’m just behind a closed door sorting laundry) and asking my husband to shoulder more. I used to always do bedtime, now we alternate. It won’t feel equal if you are a SAHM but you have to let it go and realize you need the help. #2 is to lean in to screen time. My kid learns a lot, finds watching TV to be very regulating, and an hour not jumping on me means I have better energy and mood to interact with him afterward. #3 We’ve been recommended PCIT (parent child interaction therapy). Havent started yet but the “pocket PCIT” page looks promising., My daughter is now 7 and had her first meltdown in weeks today. Back when she was the same age as your daughter it was hell. With the benefit of hindsight all I can say is survive it. It will get better. Don’t compare her to other kids and have an expectation of where she should be. Throw expectations and the idea that a routine will even work right now. It will come eventually, I hope you’ll look back on it like I am some day and are glad you just took each day at a time., Two things I recommend - the book The Explosive Child and the series of books called The Autism Discussion Page by Bill Nason. He also has a Facebook page by the same name where he posts the same content that’s in the books. Lots of practical, useful information., The best thing you can do for your daughter is focus on you and your regulation. It sounds like you really need a break. Is your daughter in childcare of any kind? Is it possible for her to go to daycare/ preschool (even a couple hours a day)? Do you have family members who could take her for the weekend so you can rest (or could you leave her with dad while you go stay somewhere for a couple nights)? Could you hire a babysitter for a couple hours a week? If you're into parenting books, I'd recommend Low Demand Parenting by Amanda Diekman. It's a very short and easy read. I'd also recommend Beyond Behaviours and Brain Body Parenting by Mona Delahooke and Self-Reg by Stuart Shankar, but they're a bit longer and harder to get through when you're in burnout imo., Thank you so much, I definitely want to work on creating a more calm home atmosphere for her. It is very nice but we live in an apartment - luckily moving next month to a house with a backyard. I think her screaming is more triggering being in our apartment because it can be heard by our many neighbours who have commented on it. They just think some really bad things could be happening to her and it makes me panic to the point where after around 30 mins straight of screaming I have put my hand over her mouth to try to get her to calm down. Which is obviously a terrible way of handling it but she can scream to the point of making herself vomit which is also horrific to manage. I felt so guilty for doing that and it’s terrible but I didn’t know what else to do to get her to calm down, cuddles and quiet dark room weren’t helping at that point. If I close the door for a minute she usually kicks it very hard and I worry about getting holes in it. If I walk away she charges at me. On the opposite end she will sometimes retreat and cry by herself which is absolutely heartbreaking and I cannot watch her like that. She will get herself a tissue and just sit and hide and cry. It seems like she has clinical anxiety and depression or something in those moments but then she will bounce back to her funny, cute, intelligent self and then the cycle continues. The world is so hard for her and I understand because I’ve experienced this to some extent but I got smacked and all of my toys taken away which looking back is quite horrific but my mum didn’t know how to handle it either. She started an OT program but we couldn’t afford to continue. I’m just anxiously waiting for her paed appt will be quite expensive too. Hopefully we could get some support from there. She has some earmuffs which she uses a lot - is very scared of noises: birds, planes, cars, everything :( I started finding them helpful too and will sometimes listen to a podcast or book to help regulate myself and not focus on her whinging/screaming etc but I think she perceives that I am not listening to her which makes everything harder. Thank you again, I just feel so lost and the judgement from others who don’t understand and just say she must be a naughty child with no good parenting is so hard. Distraction works well for her usually but it’s exhausting to distract her all day :/, Thank you. I’m glad you’re coping okay now, Yea I think this is the main problem here. I am trying to ask for help more and actually after the last few days I am considering getting a babysitter one day a week or something. I’m a SAHM and she isn’t in childcare. I sort of feel like a failure when I am getting someone else to look after her despite that being my job :( I know I need a break though. Thanks for the recommendations., The key is to prevent the meltdowns before they happen. There isn't a whole lot you can do once they reach that point. I also have a 3yo who vomits during meltdowns and can sometimes scream non-stop for 2+ hours. Thankfully, it doesn't happen as often these days, compared to a year ago, but it's so incredibly draining when it does. I'm completely depleted for hours/ days afterwards. My 5yo used to have intense meltdowns like you're describing, sometimes multiple times a day, but she's doing great now and her meltdowns are rare and over quickly. Things can get better! You're not alone., I've been in your position. It's really hard to ask for help when we've been told all our lives that we should be able to do everything on our own. And yet we're also told it takes a village.... I don't have a village. I have daycare. I was so burnt out before my kids started daycare that I thought I'd never recover. Things are so much better now. ETA: You're an autistic parent, parenting an autistic child with very high emotional support and regulation needs. You are parenting on hard mode. You can't hold yourself to the same standards as an NT parent with NT children., Thank you. It’s so hard. I’m sorry you’ve been through this too. I find it really hard to identify triggers because it seems like everything triggers her and I’m honestly so exhausted I can’t even write this out haha. I just don’t know. I try to distract her when I see she is getting frustrated and try to avoid activities that cause her to be very perfectionistic - eg she loves letters and wants to write them but obviously doesn’t have the dexterity to. So I got her wipeable books, letter cut outs with whiteboard markers, magnetic letters and letter stamps to avoid the frustration while still maintaining her interest. However, the plan didn’t work as well as I expected with this and she is so hard on herself. We are working on ‘it’s okay to make mistakes’ - I’m also a perfectionist and so I’m actively telling her when I make mistakes. She went along with it and seemed less distressed for a couple of weeks after implementing these strategies but now she just looks at me like I am stupid and is saying ‘I CAN’T DO IT’ all over. But if I don’t let her do the activities she loses it. Exhausting for both of us., I can’t believe I wrote ‘yea’ but anyway 😂 Yes, I resonate so much with this. I can’t parent effectively like this. I’ve considered waiting for right before the baby/ies (there is a high suspicion of twins this pregnancy because of a number of things that I probably don’t need to get into here haha) arrive to hire a ‘mothers helper’ who stays with you in the house but plays with your child and helps you clean up. That way I’ll feel like it’s perhaps more ‘justified’ and it could be a weekly thing. I’m glad you got help and didn’t let the guilt get in the way because we definitely don’t have a village anymore and it really and truly sucks. Also thank you for validating that this is hard and not just ‘parenting’ because it sure as hell feels harder than what I experienced as a nanny to many different families (though I know kids behave ‘better’ with people other than their primary caregivers)., If everything triggers her, the problem isn't the triggers. The problem is chronic nervous system dysregulation that needs to be addressed at the root. How is her sleep? Is she getting adequate nutrition? How much high-energy exercise (preferably outside if possible) is she getting? Are sensory needs being met? The book Self-Reg is really helpful for troubleshooting. If you don't have the time/ energy to read the whole book, you can get a lot of the same info from the blog. [https://self-reg.ca/self-reg-framework-5-domains-stress/](https://self-reg.ca/self-reg-framework-5-domains-stress/), A mothers helper sounds like it would be nice, but I think it's likely that you will still be hypervigilant/ walking on eggshells if you're in the house, especially if your daughter is melting down. It will be physically helpful, but probably not as helpful to your nervous system as you're imaging, unfortunately. Or not! You might have a totally different experience than me, but I had family come over to watch my kids while I rested pretty frequently and it didn't actually help me. I was still on constant alert and hearing my kid(s) scream and not going downstairs to help was just as/ more distressing than just being there. I think you would benefit from discussing the feelings you have around getting childcare (especially any shame that comes up around feeling inadequate or invalid for needing more help than you think you "should" need) in therapy. I felt the same way for a long time, but my mental health was suffering so much that I didn't really have a choice. I've been doing a lot of Internal Family Systems work and it's been really helpful for me., Thank you so much for the link. You’re right - she wakes up once a night and has night terrors at times which we will talk to her doctor about. She eats quite well but too much sugar (I need to stop allowing grandma to give it to her, she brings things home and demands them). She doesn’t run around enough which is why we are moving into a house with a backyard. I feel inspired to think of the most cosy place I would have loved to have as a child and create it for her. We do go out to nature playgroup and to the playground a lot though. It’s just not enough. I can’t wait to get a swing or something for her outside in the garden. In terms of sensory needs, she has a lot of sensory seeking behaviour - scratches my elbows, constantly has to be touching me (these things get really overwhelming for me after a whole day), flopping onto the bed, asking to be held upside down etc. Is there anything I can do to help her with this? We have ‘sensory’ toys but she doesn’t go for them anymore. She also loves dirty things up to a certain point at which she suddenly screams (it is quite unpredictable to me) to have her hands washed/shower - over very minimal ‘mess’ like slime, colourful rice, play-doh etc. Any suggestions? Again, thank you for your help. Also her expressive hand flapping has increased a lot lately. I notice she does it more when she is wanting to appear excited but I think she is just masking her high anxiety., I actually definitely see what you mean. My therapist has mentioned childcare quite a lot. I even feel like getting a one day a week nanny could be an option. Childcare is quite expensive where I am and there are minimal provisions for SAHMs. It would be hard to get your child into one without a full time job. It’s also silly but the illness worries me a lot (I have emetophobia). But she is starting kindergarten 2-3 days a week next year which will be good., Are we parenting the same kid? My 3yo is so similar. I can recommend yet another book, haha. The Out of Sync Child Has Fun is a book of sensory activities for kids with SPD. I also cannot say enough good things about The Occuplaytional Therapist. Everything she writes is pure gold. She has a lot of info on sensory processing and ideas for sensory seeking kids. [https://www.occuplaytional.com/](https://www.occuplaytional.com/) She's also on facebook and posts very frequently. Even when her posts are not particularly relevant to my kids, they make me feel so seen and have gone a long way toward healing my inner child. This post seems particularly relevant: [https://www.facebook.com/share/p/Xwisuh7maDu4LtW4/?mibextid=oFDknk](https://www.facebook.com/share/p/Xwisuh7maDu4LtW4/?mibextid=oFDknk), You can only do what you can do. It sucks that there aren't more affordable childcare options. Do you have play groups in your community? Here it's pretty common for a group of moms to form a play group in someone's home and hire a nanny (or sometimes ECE) to watch 4-5 kids for a couple hours a day., Thank you so much this is very helpful! I’m sorry you’re going through this. It makes me want to rip my hair out but I love her so much., That sounds great. We do usually attend weekly playgroup (two of them per week) but there is no one to look after your child, you watch them the whole time. I wish that were an option for me!, I totally get it. I was such a mess 2 years ago when my oldest was 3. She's amazing and I love her so much, but, oh man, that that was a hard age. It's easier with my son because I've seen first hand how much better things can get and I have both kids in childcare. Being a full time SAHM was SO HARD., It honestly is the hardest job in the world (at least for me). But I LOVE it. I am just so burnt out and need support to do my best. I have always wanted to be a mama and this is my dream but it’s so different to what I expected. I am really trying to find ways of relaxing and enjoying my daughter more x I just want her to be happy and feel loved. Lately she keeps whispering ‘I don’t love you’ in my ear at night before I cuddle her to sleep because she saw how upset it made me the first time she said it… I shouldn’t be sad and I know she doesn’t mean it, she is 3! But it breaks me., I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling. I don’t have a lot of experience as my child is grade 3 and non-verbal, but I didn’t want to read & not respond. What really helped me when my kiddo was younger was a book called THE REASON I JUMP by Naoki Higashida. It helped me to really understand & appreciate how my boy was experiencing the world & how that affects his behavior. The world is a confusing scary place that can often cause them distress. I found it helpful to create a very calm environment at home. I try to keep noises low and have created a space for my boy to retreat to where it’s dark and quiet. He enjoys a light projector or music sometimes, but I take his lead. Sensory Integration sessions with an Occupational Therapist was hugely helpful in supporting his regulation and helping us cope with his sensory seeking. It was great to have strategies to calm him down at bedtime. For me, an earbud in one ear is really helpful so I can cope. I struggled a lot with the sheer repetition of his activities & being constantly stuck at home, and audiobooks with one earbud saved my sanity, while still allowing me to be present & attentive. I hope some other parents that have more pertinent experience come along soon, all the best xx, I was there and some days still am, though 4 has been better than 3 which was better than 2 (and when I was pregnant with his baby brother I was just melting with fatigue and stress). I’m not the mom I wanted to be. What has helped me #1 is BREAKS. This means hiring babysitters (even if I’m just behind a closed door sorting laundry) and asking my husband to shoulder more. I used to always do bedtime, now we alternate. It won’t feel equal if you are a SAHM but you have to let it go and realize you need the help. #2 is to lean in to screen time. My kid learns a lot, finds watching TV to be very regulating, and an hour not jumping on me means I have better energy and mood to interact with him afterward. #3 We’ve been recommended PCIT (parent child interaction therapy). Havent started yet but the “pocket PCIT” page looks promising., My daughter is now 7 and had her first meltdown in weeks today. Back when she was the same age as your daughter it was hell. With the benefit of hindsight all I can say is survive it. It will get better. Don’t compare her to other kids and have an expectation of where she should be. Throw expectations and the idea that a routine will even work right now. It will come eventually, I hope you’ll look back on it like I am some day and are glad you just took each day at a time., Two things I recommend - the book The Explosive Child and the series of books called The Autism Discussion Page by Bill Nason. He also has a Facebook page by the same name where he posts the same content that’s in the books. Lots of practical, useful information., The best thing you can do for your daughter is focus on you and your regulation. It sounds like you really need a break. Is your daughter in childcare of any kind? Is it possible for her to go to daycare/ preschool (even a couple hours a day)? Do you have family members who could take her for the weekend so you can rest (or could you leave her with dad while you go stay somewhere for a couple nights)? Could you hire a babysitter for a couple hours a week? If you're into parenting books, I'd recommend Low Demand Parenting by Amanda Diekman. It's a very short and easy read. I'd also recommend Beyond Behaviours and Brain Body Parenting by Mona Delahooke and Self-Reg by Stuart Shankar, but they're a bit longer and harder to get through when you're in burnout imo., Thank you so much, I definitely want to work on creating a more calm home atmosphere for her. It is very nice but we live in an apartment - luckily moving next month to a house with a backyard. I think her screaming is more triggering being in our apartment because it can be heard by our many neighbours who have commented on it. They just think some really bad things could be happening to her and it makes me panic to the point where after around 30 mins straight of screaming I have put my hand over her mouth to try to get her to calm down. Which is obviously a terrible way of handling it but she can scream to the point of making herself vomit which is also horrific to manage. I felt so guilty for doing that and it’s terrible but I didn’t know what else to do to get her to calm down, cuddles and quiet dark room weren’t helping at that point. If I close the door for a minute she usually kicks it very hard and I worry about getting holes in it. If I walk away she charges at me. On the opposite end she will sometimes retreat and cry by herself which is absolutely heartbreaking and I cannot watch her like that. She will get herself a tissue and just sit and hide and cry. It seems like she has clinical anxiety and depression or something in those moments but then she will bounce back to her funny, cute, intelligent self and then the cycle continues. The world is so hard for her and I understand because I’ve experienced this to some extent but I got smacked and all of my toys taken away which looking back is quite horrific but my mum didn’t know how to handle it either. She started an OT program but we couldn’t afford to continue. I’m just anxiously waiting for her paed appt will be quite expensive too. Hopefully we could get some support from there. She has some earmuffs which she uses a lot - is very scared of noises: birds, planes, cars, everything :( I started finding them helpful too and will sometimes listen to a podcast or book to help regulate myself and not focus on her whinging/screaming etc but I think she perceives that I am not listening to her which makes everything harder. Thank you again, I just feel so lost and the judgement from others who don’t understand and just say she must be a naughty child with no good parenting is so hard. Distraction works well for her usually but it’s exhausting to distract her all day :/, Thank you. I’m glad you’re coping okay now, Yea I think this is the main problem here. I am trying to ask for help more and actually after the last few days I am considering getting a babysitter one day a week or something. I’m a SAHM and she isn’t in childcare. I sort of feel like a failure when I am getting someone else to look after her despite that being my job :( I know I need a break though. Thanks for the recommendations., The key is to prevent the meltdowns before they happen. There isn't a whole lot you can do once they reach that point. I also have a 3yo who vomits during meltdowns and can sometimes scream non-stop for 2+ hours. Thankfully, it doesn't happen as often these days, compared to a year ago, but it's so incredibly draining when it does. I'm completely depleted for hours/ days afterwards. My 5yo used to have intense meltdowns like you're describing, sometimes multiple times a day, but she's doing great now and her meltdowns are rare and over quickly. Things can get better! You're not alone., I've been in your position. It's really hard to ask for help when we've been told all our lives that we should be able to do everything on our own. And yet we're also told it takes a village.... I don't have a village. I have daycare. I was so burnt out before my kids started daycare that I thought I'd never recover. Things are so much better now. ETA: You're an autistic parent, parenting an autistic child with very high emotional support and regulation needs. You are parenting on hard mode. You can't hold yourself to the same standards as an NT parent with NT children., Thank you. It’s so hard. I’m sorry you’ve been through this too. I find it really hard to identify triggers because it seems like everything triggers her and I’m honestly so exhausted I can’t even write this out haha. I just don’t know. I try to distract her when I see she is getting frustrated and try to avoid activities that cause her to be very perfectionistic - eg she loves letters and wants to write them but obviously doesn’t have the dexterity to. So I got her wipeable books, letter cut outs with whiteboard markers, magnetic letters and letter stamps to avoid the frustration while still maintaining her interest. However, the plan didn’t work as well as I expected with this and she is so hard on herself. We are working on ‘it’s okay to make mistakes’ - I’m also a perfectionist and so I’m actively telling her when I make mistakes. She went along with it and seemed less distressed for a couple of weeks after implementing these strategies but now she just looks at me like I am stupid and is saying ‘I CAN’T DO IT’ all over. But if I don’t let her do the activities she loses it. Exhausting for both of us., I can’t believe I wrote ‘yea’ but anyway 😂 Yes, I resonate so much with this. I can’t parent effectively like this. I’ve considered waiting for right before the baby/ies (there is a high suspicion of twins this pregnancy because of a number of things that I probably don’t need to get into here haha) arrive to hire a ‘mothers helper’ who stays with you in the house but plays with your child and helps you clean up. That way I’ll feel like it’s perhaps more ‘justified’ and it could be a weekly thing. I’m glad you got help and didn’t let the guilt get in the way because we definitely don’t have a village anymore and it really and truly sucks. Also thank you for validating that this is hard and not just ‘parenting’ because it sure as hell feels harder than what I experienced as a nanny to many different families (though I know kids behave ‘better’ with people other than their primary caregivers)., If everything triggers her, the problem isn't the triggers. The problem is chronic nervous system dysregulation that needs to be addressed at the root. How is her sleep? Is she getting adequate nutrition? How much high-energy exercise (preferably outside if possible) is she getting? Are sensory needs being met? The book Self-Reg is really helpful for troubleshooting. If you don't have the time/ energy to read the whole book, you can get a lot of the same info from the blog. [https://self-reg.ca/self-reg-framework-5-domains-stress/](https://self-reg.ca/self-reg-framework-5-domains-stress/), A mothers helper sounds like it would be nice, but I think it's likely that you will still be hypervigilant/ walking on eggshells if you're in the house, especially if your daughter is melting down. It will be physically helpful, but probably not as helpful to your nervous system as you're imaging, unfortunately. Or not! You might have a totally different experience than me, but I had family come over to watch my kids while I rested pretty frequently and it didn't actually help me. I was still on constant alert and hearing my kid(s) scream and not going downstairs to help was just as/ more distressing than just being there. I think you would benefit from discussing the feelings you have around getting childcare (especially any shame that comes up around feeling inadequate or invalid for needing more help than you think you "should" need) in therapy. I felt the same way for a long time, but my mental health was suffering so much that I didn't really have a choice. I've been doing a lot of Internal Family Systems work and it's been really helpful for me., Thank you so much for the link. You’re right - she wakes up once a night and has night terrors at times which we will talk to her doctor about. She eats quite well but too much sugar (I need to stop allowing grandma to give it to her, she brings things home and demands them). She doesn’t run around enough which is why we are moving into a house with a backyard. I feel inspired to think of the most cosy place I would have loved to have as a child and create it for her. We do go out to nature playgroup and to the playground a lot though. It’s just not enough. I can’t wait to get a swing or something for her outside in the garden. In terms of sensory needs, she has a lot of sensory seeking behaviour - scratches my elbows, constantly has to be touching me (these things get really overwhelming for me after a whole day), flopping onto the bed, asking to be held upside down etc. Is there anything I can do to help her with this? We have ‘sensory’ toys but she doesn’t go for them anymore. She also loves dirty things up to a certain point at which she suddenly screams (it is quite unpredictable to me) to have her hands washed/shower - over very minimal ‘mess’ like slime, colourful rice, play-doh etc. Any suggestions? Again, thank you for your help. Also her expressive hand flapping has increased a lot lately. I notice she does it more when she is wanting to appear excited but I think she is just masking her high anxiety., I actually definitely see what you mean. My therapist has mentioned childcare quite a lot. I even feel like getting a one day a week nanny could be an option. Childcare is quite expensive where I am and there are minimal provisions for SAHMs. It would be hard to get your child into one without a full time job. It’s also silly but the illness worries me a lot (I have emetophobia). But she is starting kindergarten 2-3 days a week next year which will be good., Are we parenting the same kid? My 3yo is so similar. I can recommend yet another book, haha. The Out of Sync Child Has Fun is a book of sensory activities for kids with SPD. I also cannot say enough good things about The Occuplaytional Therapist. Everything she writes is pure gold. She has a lot of info on sensory processing and ideas for sensory seeking kids. [https://www.occuplaytional.com/](https://www.occuplaytional.com/) She's also on facebook and posts very frequently. Even when her posts are not particularly relevant to my kids, they make me feel so seen and have gone a long way toward healing my inner child. This post seems particularly relevant: [https://www.facebook.com/share/p/Xwisuh7maDu4LtW4/?mibextid=oFDknk](https://www.facebook.com/share/p/Xwisuh7maDu4LtW4/?mibextid=oFDknk), You can only do what you can do. It sucks that there aren't more affordable childcare options. Do you have play groups in your community? Here it's pretty common for a group of moms to form a play group in someone's home and hire a nanny (or sometimes ECE) to watch 4-5 kids for a couple hours a day., Thank you so much this is very helpful! I’m sorry you’re going through this. It makes me want to rip my hair out but I love her so much., That sounds great. We do usually attend weekly playgroup (two of them per week) but there is no one to look after your child, you watch them the whole time. I wish that were an option for me!, I totally get it. I was such a mess 2 years ago when my oldest was 3. She's amazing and I love her so much, but, oh man, that that was a hard age. It's easier with my son because I've seen first hand how much better things can get and I have both kids in childcare. Being a full time SAHM was SO HARD., It honestly is the hardest job in the world (at least for me). But I LOVE it. I am just so burnt out and need support to do my best. I have always wanted to be a mama and this is my dream but it’s so different to what I expected. I am really trying to find ways of relaxing and enjoying my daughter more x I just want her to be happy and feel loved. Lately she keeps whispering ‘I don’t love you’ in my ear at night before I cuddle her to sleep because she saw how upset it made me the first time she said it… I shouldn’t be sad and I know she doesn’t mean it, she is 3! But it breaks me., I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling. I don’t have a lot of experience as my child is grade 3 and non-verbal, but I didn’t want to read & not respond. What really helped me when my kiddo was younger was a book called THE REASON I JUMP by Naoki Higashida. It helped me to really understand & appreciate how my boy was experiencing the world & how that affects his behavior. The world is a confusing scary place that can often cause them distress. I found it helpful to create a very calm environment at home. I try to keep noises low and have created a space for my boy to retreat to where it’s dark and quiet. He enjoys a light projector or music sometimes, but I take his lead. Sensory Integration sessions with an Occupational Therapist was hugely helpful in supporting his regulation and helping us cope with his sensory seeking. It was great to have strategies to calm him down at bedtime. For me, an earbud in one ear is really helpful so I can cope. I struggled a lot with the sheer repetition of his activities & being constantly stuck at home, and audiobooks with one earbud saved my sanity, while still allowing me to be present & attentive. I hope some other parents that have more pertinent experience come along soon, all the best xx, I was there and some days still am, though 4 has been better than 3 which was better than 2 (and when I was pregnant with his baby brother I was just melting with fatigue and stress). I’m not the mom I wanted to be. What has helped me #1 is BREAKS. This means hiring babysitters (even if I’m just behind a closed door sorting laundry) and asking my husband to shoulder more. I used to always do bedtime, now we alternate. It won’t feel equal if you are a SAHM but you have to let it go and realize you need the help. #2 is to lean in to screen time. My kid learns a lot, finds watching TV to be very regulating, and an hour not jumping on me means I have better energy and mood to interact with him afterward. #3 We’ve been recommended PCIT (parent child interaction therapy). Havent started yet but the “pocket PCIT” page looks promising., My daughter is now 7 and had her first meltdown in weeks today. Back when she was the same age as your daughter it was hell. With the benefit of hindsight all I can say is survive it. It will get better. Don’t compare her to other kids and have an expectation of where she should be. Throw expectations and the idea that a routine will even work right now. It will come eventually, I hope you’ll look back on it like I am some day and are glad you just took each day at a time., Two things I recommend - the book The Explosive Child and the series of books called The Autism Discussion Page by Bill Nason. He also has a Facebook page by the same name where he posts the same content that’s in the books. Lots of practical, useful information., The best thing you can do for your daughter is focus on you and your regulation. It sounds like you really need a break. Is your daughter in childcare of any kind? Is it possible for her to go to daycare/ preschool (even a couple hours a day)? Do you have family members who could take her for the weekend so you can rest (or could you leave her with dad while you go stay somewhere for a couple nights)? Could you hire a babysitter for a couple hours a week? If you're into parenting books, I'd recommend Low Demand Parenting by Amanda Diekman. It's a very short and easy read. I'd also recommend Beyond Behaviours and Brain Body Parenting by Mona Delahooke and Self-Reg by Stuart Shankar, but they're a bit longer and harder to get through when you're in burnout imo., Thank you so much, I definitely want to work on creating a more calm home atmosphere for her. It is very nice but we live in an apartment - luckily moving next month to a house with a backyard. I think her screaming is more triggering being in our apartment because it can be heard by our many neighbours who have commented on it. They just think some really bad things could be happening to her and it makes me panic to the point where after around 30 mins straight of screaming I have put my hand over her mouth to try to get her to calm down. Which is obviously a terrible way of handling it but she can scream to the point of making herself vomit which is also horrific to manage. I felt so guilty for doing that and it’s terrible but I didn’t know what else to do to get her to calm down, cuddles and quiet dark room weren’t helping at that point. If I close the door for a minute she usually kicks it very hard and I worry about getting holes in it. If I walk away she charges at me. On the opposite end she will sometimes retreat and cry by herself which is absolutely heartbreaking and I cannot watch her like that. She will get herself a tissue and just sit and hide and cry. It seems like she has clinical anxiety and depression or something in those moments but then she will bounce back to her funny, cute, intelligent self and then the cycle continues. The world is so hard for her and I understand because I’ve experienced this to some extent but I got smacked and all of my toys taken away which looking back is quite horrific but my mum didn’t know how to handle it either. She started an OT program but we couldn’t afford to continue. I’m just anxiously waiting for her paed appt will be quite expensive too. Hopefully we could get some support from there. She has some earmuffs which she uses a lot - is very scared of noises: birds, planes, cars, everything :( I started finding them helpful too and will sometimes listen to a podcast or book to help regulate myself and not focus on her whinging/screaming etc but I think she perceives that I am not listening to her which makes everything harder. Thank you again, I just feel so lost and the judgement from others who don’t understand and just say she must be a naughty child with no good parenting is so hard. Distraction works well for her usually but it’s exhausting to distract her all day :/, Thank you. I’m glad you’re coping okay now, Yea I think this is the main problem here. I am trying to ask for help more and actually after the last few days I am considering getting a babysitter one day a week or something. I’m a SAHM and she isn’t in childcare. I sort of feel like a failure when I am getting someone else to look after her despite that being my job :( I know I need a break though. Thanks for the recommendations., The key is to prevent the meltdowns before they happen. There isn't a whole lot you can do once they reach that point. I also have a 3yo who vomits during meltdowns and can sometimes scream non-stop for 2+ hours. Thankfully, it doesn't happen as often these days, compared to a year ago, but it's so incredibly draining when it does. I'm completely depleted for hours/ days afterwards. My 5yo used to have intense meltdowns like you're describing, sometimes multiple times a day, but she's doing great now and her meltdowns are rare and over quickly. Things can get better! You're not alone., I've been in your position. It's really hard to ask for help when we've been told all our lives that we should be able to do everything on our own. And yet we're also told it takes a village.... I don't have a village. I have daycare. I was so burnt out before my kids started daycare that I thought I'd never recover. Things are so much better now. ETA: You're an autistic parent, parenting an autistic child with very high emotional support and regulation needs. You are parenting on hard mode. You can't hold yourself to the same standards as an NT parent with NT children., Thank you. It’s so hard. I’m sorry you’ve been through this too. I find it really hard to identify triggers because it seems like everything triggers her and I’m honestly so exhausted I can’t even write this out haha. I just don’t know. I try to distract her when I see she is getting frustrated and try to avoid activities that cause her to be very perfectionistic - eg she loves letters and wants to write them but obviously doesn’t have the dexterity to. So I got her wipeable books, letter cut outs with whiteboard markers, magnetic letters and letter stamps to avoid the frustration while still maintaining her interest. However, the plan didn’t work as well as I expected with this and she is so hard on herself. We are working on ‘it’s okay to make mistakes’ - I’m also a perfectionist and so I’m actively telling her when I make mistakes. She went along with it and seemed less distressed for a couple of weeks after implementing these strategies but now she just looks at me like I am stupid and is saying ‘I CAN’T DO IT’ all over. But if I don’t let her do the activities she loses it. Exhausting for both of us., I can’t believe I wrote ‘yea’ but anyway 😂 Yes, I resonate so much with this. I can’t parent effectively like this. I’ve considered waiting for right before the baby/ies (there is a high suspicion of twins this pregnancy because of a number of things that I probably don’t need to get into here haha) arrive to hire a ‘mothers helper’ who stays with you in the house but plays with your child and helps you clean up. That way I’ll feel like it’s perhaps more ‘justified’ and it could be a weekly thing. I’m glad you got help and didn’t let the guilt get in the way because we definitely don’t have a village anymore and it really and truly sucks. Also thank you for validating that this is hard and not just ‘parenting’ because it sure as hell feels harder than what I experienced as a nanny to many different families (though I know kids behave ‘better’ with people other than their primary caregivers)., If everything triggers her, the problem isn't the triggers. The problem is chronic nervous system dysregulation that needs to be addressed at the root. How is her sleep? Is she getting adequate nutrition? How much high-energy exercise (preferably outside if possible) is she getting? Are sensory needs being met? The book Self-Reg is really helpful for troubleshooting. If you don't have the time/ energy to read the whole book, you can get a lot of the same info from the blog. [https://self-reg.ca/self-reg-framework-5-domains-stress/](https://self-reg.ca/self-reg-framework-5-domains-stress/), A mothers helper sounds like it would be nice, but I think it's likely that you will still be hypervigilant/ walking on eggshells if you're in the house, especially if your daughter is melting down. It will be physically helpful, but probably not as helpful to your nervous system as you're imaging, unfortunately. Or not! You might have a totally different experience than me, but I had family come over to watch my kids while I rested pretty frequently and it didn't actually help me. I was still on constant alert and hearing my kid(s) scream and not going downstairs to help was just as/ more distressing than just being there. I think you would benefit from discussing the feelings you have around getting childcare (especially any shame that comes up around feeling inadequate or invalid for needing more help than you think you "should" need) in therapy. I felt the same way for a long time, but my mental health was suffering so much that I didn't really have a choice. I've been doing a lot of Internal Family Systems work and it's been really helpful for me., Thank you so much for the link. You’re right - she wakes up once a night and has night terrors at times which we will talk to her doctor about. She eats quite well but too much sugar (I need to stop allowing grandma to give it to her, she brings things home and demands them). She doesn’t run around enough which is why we are moving into a house with a backyard. I feel inspired to think of the most cosy place I would have loved to have as a child and create it for her. We do go out to nature playgroup and to the playground a lot though. It’s just not enough. I can’t wait to get a swing or something for her outside in the garden. In terms of sensory needs, she has a lot of sensory seeking behaviour - scratches my elbows, constantly has to be touching me (these things get really overwhelming for me after a whole day), flopping onto the bed, asking to be held upside down etc. Is there anything I can do to help her with this? We have ‘sensory’ toys but she doesn’t go for them anymore. She also loves dirty things up to a certain point at which she suddenly screams (it is quite unpredictable to me) to have her hands washed/shower - over very minimal ‘mess’ like slime, colourful rice, play-doh etc. Any suggestions? Again, thank you for your help. Also her expressive hand flapping has increased a lot lately. I notice she does it more when she is wanting to appear excited but I think she is just masking her high anxiety., I actually definitely see what you mean. My therapist has mentioned childcare quite a lot. I even feel like getting a one day a week nanny could be an option. Childcare is quite expensive where I am and there are minimal provisions for SAHMs. It would be hard to get your child into one without a full time job. It’s also silly but the illness worries me a lot (I have emetophobia). But she is starting kindergarten 2-3 days a week next year which will be good., Are we parenting the same kid? My 3yo is so similar. I can recommend yet another book, haha. The Out of Sync Child Has Fun is a book of sensory activities for kids with SPD. I also cannot say enough good things about The Occuplaytional Therapist. Everything she writes is pure gold. She has a lot of info on sensory processing and ideas for sensory seeking kids. [https://www.occuplaytional.com/](https://www.occuplaytional.com/) She's also on facebook and posts very frequently. Even when her posts are not particularly relevant to my kids, they make me feel so seen and have gone a long way toward healing my inner child. This post seems particularly relevant: [https://www.facebook.com/share/p/Xwisuh7maDu4LtW4/?mibextid=oFDknk](https://www.facebook.com/share/p/Xwisuh7maDu4LtW4/?mibextid=oFDknk), You can only do what you can do. It sucks that there aren't more affordable childcare options. Do you have play groups in your community? Here it's pretty common for a group of moms to form a play group in someone's home and hire a nanny (or sometimes ECE) to watch 4-5 kids for a couple hours a day., Thank you so much this is very helpful! I’m sorry you’re going through this. It makes me want to rip my hair out but I love her so much., That sounds great. We do usually attend weekly playgroup (two of them per week) but there is no one to look after your child, you watch them the whole time. I wish that were an option for me!, I totally get it. I was such a mess 2 years ago when my oldest was 3. She's amazing and I love her so much, but, oh man, that that was a hard age. It's easier with my son because I've seen first hand how much better things can get and I have both kids in childcare. Being a full time SAHM was SO HARD., It honestly is the hardest job in the world (at least for me). But I LOVE it. I am just so burnt out and need support to do my best. I have always wanted to be a mama and this is my dream but it’s so different to what I expected. I am really trying to find ways of relaxing and enjoying my daughter more x I just want her to be happy and feel loved. Lately she keeps whispering ‘I don’t love you’ in my ear at night before I cuddle her to sleep because she saw how upset it made me the first time she said it… I shouldn’t be sad and I know she doesn’t mean it, she is 3! But it breaks me.

So mad at myself

I got pregnant when my little guy was a year and he was not doing any gestures or pointing waving or clapping, he was babbling a bit. But I didn’t even know to think about autism because he had such good eye contact, just thought he was delayed. Now I have a newborn and it breaks my heart because I can’t devote as much time to either or them. My son has so many appointments and I’m bringing my newborn with me all the time, it is hard. I just feel so stupid and selfish. My newborn constantly wants to be held and my son constantly wants me by him. I am off work right now but when I go back it will be even worse, I need to make my son a variety of foods to try and we live in Ontario, Canada so we don’t get any funds for like 6 years so we have to do our on ABA at home. Thank goodness for my husband, but we’re drowning and I could have prevented this. I would have had one child and that’s it if I had of known.

Please don't beat yourself up about it, the exact same thing happened to me., My youngest son is so good for my oldest son. I was in denial about autism. But developmentally they play well together and my oldest (the one with autism) is encouraged by my youngest. I just wanted to give you a bit of hope. It really does get better. It still has it's hard moments, especially now that my 4 year old seems that my 6 year old is not like him. Him realizing this has been painful. You're not selfish though. Have some grace with yourself., Not really any advice here, but my wife passed away few years ago when my daughter was six months old and my son was 3 years old. My daughter is LVL3 Non verbal - I am lucky that I have my parents help otherwise it would be soo hard. I've had to quit jobs because I could not handle dealing with her sleepless nights. I used to move her around stroller in the house in middle of night for hours, months on end. Maybe year even. Her sleep has gotten better, but still it's brutal!!, I was right there with you a few months ago. My 2 boys are 2 years apart, almost to the day. I felt so guilty for so long after my second was born. My first was only flagged for Autism 3 months before his brother arrived. They are now 2y 8m and 8 months old. It's getting easier. I do a lot of therapy at home as well, and now that the 8 month old is sitting and more alert, I try and involve him in all the things we do. It doesn't always work out, but it's definitely getting easier., Adding a second child to the mix does indeed make the dynamic more challenging, disability or not. Learning how to manage 2 kids each with their own set of needs is definitely challenging. But there will be benefits to your child having a sibling. My son, who has autism, is my 5th child. Having so many kids influenced the decisions I made for my son and honestly it was for the better. I had my 6th child when he was 14 months old. Since my son was so delayed it felt like having twins for a while, until my daughter passed him up developmentally. I did everything with 2 babies in my arms or in the baby carriers. Having siblings has helped my son tremendously. Now that everyone is grown, they willingly hang out with him when I need some respite. They are also planning on taking over for me when I am too old to care for him and when i inevitably pass away. It brings me comfort that he won't be alone in this world. If you have too many appointments, see if you can trim it down. I had my son do ot/speech at the same session, for example. Sometimes they are willing and able to co-treat. Are you able to get in-home therapies for him? Have them come to you? Once he started full day pre-k, I actually stopped his outpatient therapy because he was getting those therapies at school and I was able to continue working on the goals at home. It was much easier to not have to bring everyone to an outpatient appointment. If you can't trim appointments down, see if you can have someone accompany you...or if you can change the time so that your husband can attend and help out. If it is truly too much for you right now, then take a break from the appointments. Your mental state takes precedence. Your son sounds pretty young and I know you feel like you have to do this but the reality is that he will be ok if you just simply take a break for a little while. It is far more important that his primary caregiver not feel overwhelmed and stressed out., My spouse felt the same way. Our ASD child is the youngest of 3, with a 6yr gap. Our ASD child is mid-lvl functioning non verbal, and ADHD. For a while she felt like a “unfit mother” because most of her attention was focused on our ASD child. But as they started their therapies it has smoothed out a bit. They require less attention, they interact socially with their siblings. Patience and self care. I feel as parents who want the best for their children (neurotypical or otherwise), we often get lost in being parents we forget that we have our needs. It’s great to have a partner that not only is willing to help but who can also provide you with mental support as this journey is lifelong., I didn't know my daughter was autistic until she was 8. She did point and clap within range, and all she had was a speech delay at your child’s age. The signs can be really subtle. It only became apparent to me as she grew older and her social prowess floundered. She can't hold a conversation most of the time about anything if it doesn't follow the script of pleasantries we humans tend to use. Give yourself some grace. You can't predict everything. Show your two kids how much you love them and advocate for your kiddos., you can't change the past. so it's not worth the energy to wish "what if?". all you can do is focus on the now and the future. you're doing your best and that's amazing. sounds like you're doing a great job, you and your husband are a great team and a terrific family., What if your younger one drags your other one along socially, in a good way. Someone to mimic etc. That’s what’s happening for us. Try and stay positive., I got pregnant when my son was 11 months old and he went on to be diagnosed with autism. You’re not alone. You can do this and I am rooting for you., If it helps, I’m an autistic child with two younger autistic siblings. It’s genetic in our family, my mum is actually an identical twin and both her and my aunt have autism. Our only two cousins also have autism. It can be hard I’ve heard. I don’t think my mum is selfish for having my siblings when she had me, im also a bit older and when I was taken to the doctor as a kid, the doctor said girls can’t have autism and said I just had social anxiety. This was before the DSM5. I know my parents did their best, it was hard for me with my siblings getting most of the attention, and I still wish I had more help as a kid, but then again my parents didn’t even know I was autistic at the time because of what that doctor said. I was diagnosed a couple years ago and my parents say they feel selfish too because they didn’t know and “it was obvious”. But it’s ok. Parents are just doing their best. I’m half asleep and have level 2 autism so I’m sorry if this isn’t good writing and is all over the place. I hope it helps regardless though., Same thing happened to me too! Autistic babies can be really “easy” babies. I know mine was! We were super excited to have another kid. We spaced our next pregnancy so they’d be 2.5 years apart. It was right after I got pregnant (when he was just turning two) that it really sunk in that he wasn’t learning to talk and he was starting to have scary meltdowns. It was a lot to have a newborn and go through those years. Then my copper IUD failed and we had a third kid only 18 months after the second! He is also on the spectrum, diagnosed at 2 years old also. But now that it’s the second time around, I’m not as stressed and worried about his development as I was with my first. Anyways sorry for rambling but I totally understand where you’re coming from! Feeling overwhelmed and like you’re cheating one of yours kids somehow. I’m sure you’re a great mom! And even though it’s hard for me right now, my boys adore each other and my autistic boys have their best friends built in… this is something that comforts me when I worry about my kindergartner making friends. He already has his people who love, admire and adore him … his little bros!, This same thing happened to me, it’s hard. But it’s been years and years later, we found a way to make it work. And my sons are the best of friends, they’re super close. It gets better., We just went through this so my heart goes out to you 💟 mine is 4 and his baby brother is 2 months I felt bad I had to leave him to attend to the baby and he would get upset but now that he's a little older he like to help. He brings bottles and blankets and wants to hold him. Feeling guilty is normal I think, I'm not an expert but I felt with it and it definitely is hard at times but we can only do what we are capable of and your baby will know you still love them. It may be hard at times but take these words to heart. You are an amazing mama and you love your child unconditionally., Aww it is a lot at first, isn’t it? My daughter is nearly 3 and we just reached the end of our diagnostic journey which means- finally- a lot fewer appointments. It was music to my ears when the developmental pediatrician said she didn’t need to see us for another year… and then we got cleaned by neuro too.. so no more appointments with them. Another specialist she sees for a non-ASD related condition doesn’t want to see her for 4 months instead of 3. Edited to add my point.. is that I feel like the appointment stuff is getting much easier and less obtrusive now., The most a parent can do for their child is give their absolute best, you are doing that. There's nothing to feel bad about. Parenting is hard, regardless of your kids being ND or NT. You and your husband are doing great., That sounds very hard! You are doing a great job! Please don’t blame yourself. I just wanted to second the comment about progress. A lot can change from age 2. I’m not saying it definitely will but our kiddo was diagnosed level 3 and head banging against the wall/window, meltdowns, speech delay at 2 years old and is now low needs autistic (haven’t got a new level but that’s probably where she is) at three and a bit. I think she’ll probably have issues again socially when she’s older because of following scripts but she’s doing so well right now., Hey fellow Ontarioian! It’s okay, it’s not your fault. A YouTuber I watch who is a OBGYN often says “we do the best we can with the information we have” often adding that if we knew differently we would have acted differently but when you don’t know you can’t be blamed. Also, there are many parents who know and understand your struggles with having more than one child and one of them being special needs… you’re definitely not alone there., Happened to me , not going to lie, newborn-1.5 was awwwwwwwweful. But it’s gotten better and they’re besties now. Just know there is light at the end of the tunnel, I have 3 kids in short succession and first two were diagnosed so I had absolutely no idea or clue. Not your fault., We waited 5 years to have another kid and I wish we would have had another kid much sooner. Your child will be forced out of their comfort zone because of your newborn. It will be tough at first but in the long run it will help your son grow and become more adaptable. Hang in there, you’re doing a great job, Same thing by the time it was flagged up by my family at 2.5 years the second baby had just been born. I feel terrible about bringing the 11 month old to speech and OT. If it was at his naptime I would leave him with hubs who wfh., Celebrate the small victories because you win conquer, Yo! This happens will all kids of all diversities and quantities. My daughter has dance class that takes away from time I can have my son do things. Fundamentally it sucks to want to be 2 places at one time. You'll get the hang of it!, Yep. Same thing happened to my wife and I. Don’t beat yourself up. Know it will be hard for awhile. Do the best you can. Again, don’t beat yourself up. Be glad your kids will eventually be old enough to appreciate having a sibling., You have brought two beautiful humans into this world who you are trying to find a balance for, and to care for and support. That’s more than many parents do for their children. I’m sorry you are feeling this way. It can be a long journey. I have an older autistic child and younger child, I also feel guilt sometimes for creating a scenario where my youngest may need to choose to care for or not care for a sibling. That’s rough on anyone., You’re doing great! No, you may not have planned on having an autistic child, but you got one. Now you may have a caretaker for him. My daughter is almost 40 with a 3 year old autistic girl. How do you chance another one? What happens when we die? She’ll be just getting thru high school when my daughter retires. What will happen to my 30 year old granddaughter when she has no siblings and her parents are gone? Being an only child is lonely. Having a built in playmate is great! This will be your normal. Chin up, keep in motion!🤗🤗🤗, I'm also in ontario and was in a similar situation. It was so hard when my kids were little. They're 3.5 and 5.5 now, both autistic, and life is so much easier. Those newborn days were hell. It can get better. I'm so happy and grateful to have a second child. He's so wonderful and they both benefit a lot from having a sibling., I was pregnant again 5 weeks after my son was born (I know, I know!). My daughter is 10.5 months younger than her brother who is now 10 and autistic. Honestly, it will get better. You and your husband stick together though, because the next few years are going to be HARD. But it does improve. Arrange a schedule for others to get to know your children, make a village and then use that village as respite and allow you and your husband to date, too. Find groups. This is important too, especially for your mental health. Find a hobby, something that can allow you to be yourself for an evening a week. And if you ever get overwhelmed and you need to vent, you can DM me and I will understand how it is., I could have written this myself 5 years ago. I felt all of the exact same things you are feeling. My older two kids are autistic. My oldest, my daughter, it wasn’t obvious because she pointed and spoke and whatnot on time, it didn’t become more apparent that she was autistic until around kindergarten. At that point it was becoming very clear that my 2.5 year old son was also autistic- he had a severe speech/gesture delay but his stupid pediatrician kept brushing it off and saying he wasn’t concerned because of his eye contact and some other things. So as I was finding out that my older two were both autistic at the same time, I had a newborn. It was so brutal- I was so overwhelmed and guilty and depressed. Food lost its flavor. I couldn’t do anything other than obsessively look up stuff about autistic kids and therapies in an attempt to fix/make up for lost time. I got treatment for PPD and the medication helped SO much. It kept me from going into spirals of despair. I was able to enjoy the good moments with my kids rather than only fixating on the bad. And trust me- there will be MANY good moments! You don’t want to miss them because you’re busy beating yourself up. My kids are 9, 7 and 5 now- my oldest still has some behavior and social issues but is doing pretty well in school and is happy and has many interests. My youngest child is neurotypical and has some mild delays like speech but is also doing very well. My middle child has the most struggles, but he progresses and we are working on getting better school accommodations. All of my kids are a delight and they bring us a lot of joy. I wish the best for you and hope you can seek treatment and climb out of the hole you’re in., My little one has ASD, my cousins son (9) has diabetes 1, my other cousin's son has Duchenne musculae dystrophy... Why am I saying this? There is no selfishness or bad or right timing, kids are blessing no matter what. Your older one is just 1 ! We always assume and make some plans but fail to have the pleasure at the moment. I am sure things will all play out well, just spend the time together, share and vent here. We are all in more or less same situation. If you ask me if I would have reversed the time and avoid having my little one? NEVER, his little smile is worth of everything, I have dreams that we are having conversations and I am looking forwards for this to happen. We human beings are remarkable, adaptable, I am sure you will fins your way. Just hug both of them, Therapist and mom speaking here: Please don't feel guilty. We do the best we can with what we have. Every situation is an opportunity for learning and growth for our children. I've seen children thrive in some pretty grim situations. Being an only child or a child more fully spaced does not guarantee a better life or education. I've see children struggle with wealth, and opportunities. What is most important is that you and children are calm and as regulated as possible. That you love each other and are patient with each other. Little good comes from panic, anxiety, guilt, depression, stress, and/or anger. A lot of good comes from processing your feelings outloud if they see you doing it successfully. "Wow, I was a little worried we'd be late, but guess what? I took a big breath, blew it out and realized it's OK to be late sometimes." Little 1 will learn to be more flexible from having a sibling with the needs all babies have. He will learn to wait even if it's hard or takes time to learn. This is soooo important. Many a child with disabilities has a harder life because parents feel guilty and don't work to develop basic coping skills in their children. He can learn to wait when you say, "I'll hold your hand while you wait for me to finish nursing your sibling" or "I'll watch you play while I rock the baby" .... Baby came second and won't know any different. We go to the therapy room twice a week and read/play while brother does something away from us. Or we join in play with brother and the therapist - how cool. I know many people on this site have children with profound disabilities and this makes things infinitely harder but in the end we find a way. Ask friends and family for support. Lean on those who offer help. Give up having a super tidy home, perfect meals, etc.. Find a way to do this without destroying yourself. It's a long haul and the guilt will crush you. Hang in there mama you got this!, I don’t know if this helps at all, but it is so positive that your autistic child will always have someone to advocate for them, long after you’re gone. I know that doesn’t help with the enormous stress and exhaustion you must be feeling, but I admire your sacrifice. I’m only going to have one because I am not a good enough mother to have a second. But I don’t know like to think about what could happen to my daughter once I go (hopefully at 100 years, but still). Just wanted to say - hang in there, you are more than enough for both of your babies and they will thank you one day!, This newborn can be the best thing that ever happened. My second born was not on purpose because I was on birth control and still got pregnant. Now my autistic oldest is almost 12 and his younger brother is 10. The youngest is the only one who really knows how to play with his brother. And what a gift that is for my oldest. Remember, they’re only little once. Don’t spend these years worrying. Embrace them, love them for who they are. Don’t stress about getting him into therapy.. ABA might not even be that helpful to you. I swear my oldest has learned everything from me and I wasted years trying all the therapies from therapists with worse family situations than me. Keep loving your husband. This is temporary. You’re gonna still love your journey., I did the same I got pregnant 18months after getting my son diagnosed with autism. Having him a sister/brother actually helps with social skills, play and development. Exposure to the world if safe helps. Good luck it's going to be okay. My now 7 and 6 yo children are good friends and have their own conversations. Everything happens for a reason., My son had a great contact he is 4 and half years old. Up to 13 months he spoke 10-15 words then he lost the speech 13-36 months. I stopped screen time at 4 years old for 3 months and started speech therapy and joined in iep special education Fulltime now he is forming sentences and use words a lot still have issues with social but I am happy don’t be worried they are lot of people here with same issues. My son is also born in covid 2019-201 was really hard for us, My daughter and son has 2 and half years difference . 2 year daughter goes to play with 4 years old who does not like at all., Us too. For us, he turned one and two during Covid, and while I made some honest attempts to look into it and get him help during those first years, I was only met with false reassurance., Same here., Yes, in reflecting on your comment, my youngest helped my oldest (autistic) accelerate in terms of communication. Definitely a benefit of having two kiddos who can create their own bond and model each other! (Sometimes not a benefit but overall, mostly good!), Yes! Same thing happened, our kids are 19 months apart, Have you tried clonidine before bed? My daughter is the same- terrible terible sleep and melatonin backfires and she has never slept longer than 6 hours… we have her on a very low dose of liquid prozac and we crush up a tablet of clonidine and mix it with water before bed and my baby girl is calm!!!!! She is CALM at bedtime. I hate to promote medications because they work different for every child. But this one is working for us!!!! She seems legitimately happier during the day lately too. Im so very sorry for your loss. Your kids are so so lucky to have you., I’m so sorry for your loss. I am glad you have support. Your children are lucky to have such a committed remaining parent., Yes, same. I am talking to my newborn constantly since that is all I am doing with my first to encourage speech and the three of us are always together on the floor or reading a book, Yes!!! Call the therapy place and say you just need a little breather to adjust with the new baby. I did that with mine and that lowered my personal stress a lot. Theres TONS of stuff to do at home with ASD kids that is the same as going to therapy. You can only do what you can!!! Babies are happier around happy moms. Fact. Lol, Hi there, just a bit off the topic, but what is his level now? How is his speech? I understand the siblings will be taking care of him, what is his social level, does he have work? Great family though! Must be lucky to be surrounded like this, Yes my son is level 3 so it wasn’t subtle. He needs significant support which is hard to give him with a newborn. We are struggling. My pediatrician mentioned the songs are more subtle with lower support needs, Yes, just wish there were was more awareness about not pointing by 1 being a marker and things like that instead of oh boys are just slower to develop and shy like his pediatrician originally said. No he has severe autism, that’s why he doesn’t point. He seems social but only when you’re animated to entertain him., Thank you. I think I just needed to vent, I feel a bit better now but holy. My husband is getting a vasectomy next week. I love my two boys more than anything., My next son is most likely ASD based on genetic tests. We are worried what will happen to them when we pass. We are doing everything we can though to try and set them up financially after we’re gone, We got the false reassurance too because my son made great eye contact etc, Yes false reassurance , I’m also kicking myself since we have no family and we knew even one child would be hard but once he started being such a joy at 6 months we were like omgosh yes let’s have another at a year. Got pregnant right away, and that was that. If it had of taken us a year to get pregnant like it did my first we would have been fine since we would have probably known something was up by then. It’s just all so backwards, Me three! 👋, Same for my son and daughter, they helped each other so much!, When you get too tired of talking and reading “vooks” on youtube is your BEST friend. Its just a bunch of short kid stories and they are very entertaining and well done. My five year old is an incredibly proficient reader and its seriously from storytime vooks on freaking youtube 😂😂😂, He was diagnosed under the old dsm so on paper he has classical autism, but he is solidly a level 3, and has always been. He is non-verbal, no functional language at all. Not potty trained and he has a profound intellectual disability. He does not, and can not work. As for social level, I am not sure what that means but he is incredibly affectionate on his own terms and enjoys interacting with people. He is a total love. My kids are absolutely the best and I am the luckiest mom to have all of them., Look into respite. Baby wear. Have you and your husband each take a kid for 1/2 day on the weekends and do something. Then switch the next weekend. Are you breastfeeding? Supplement if you need to for your mental health. Hang in there. Find a support group. Is your son in public school or ABA? Put him in both if you can. It WILL get easier but it’s really really fucking hard for a while., I am pregnant now and my son, 16 months, is on a waitlist for autism evaluation. When we started trying for our second we were hoping he may just be mildly affected but it appears more likely that he will have greater needs. We decided to stop trying but by that point I was already pregnant. I am scared, but I also hope that a positive sibling relationship will eventually develop. I also know I would regret never having tried for a second, although the age gap they will have (around two years) is not ideal in terms of caring for both. I am going to have to rely on family and friends more and not put as much pressure on myself to do everything., You definitely don't have to share but im curious what kind of genetic testing can tell you this about future kids? Was it something found in your son and you or your partner?, Yes. He was a great babbler and made intense eye contact. My whole family tree and all the docs thought I was crazy., I can relate so much to going through all these what ifs in my head. It's hard., Fourth here, Understood.. thanks for sharing, and give him a big hug. Kids are always a blessing., what was his signs as a toddler? my daughter is autistic but we don’t know what level she is, sending you all best wishes x, So he’s in public daycare because in Canada In my province there is a 6 year wait for any funding or services. We have a program called all kids belong that checks in once in a while at daycare but there has been nothing much to come out of that, basically they just try and make the daycare understand so he doesn’t get kicked out, Just fyi a lot can happen in 2 years My son at 2 years old was non-verbal and head banging. Skip to today at the age of 4 and he is communicating and the self-injury has stopped. He does have other issues like meltdowns over small things. I don’t have other kids but now I wish I did as I believe the consistent interaction could teach him so much about interpersonal relationships. But I know my limits and if I gave another ASD kid I may end up having a nervous breakdown., Fragile x. chD8 were the conclusive ones, just in me. My brother just had a kid too same time as me and they are also on spectrum but it’s just not as obvious because they pointed and language recessed, so hopefully the language comes back., Yep. Level 3 kiddo over here too, so many people said oh it must be really mild if so. He does no gestures and has 15 words that are gone now, have tantrums and will only eat dry crunchy foods, no it’s not mild…, fifth, It’s so hard living with not knowing what the future can bring. It is encouraging that your son has made such huge progress. My son is making small gains, and I hope over time this will turn into more noticeable progress. I also am not sure how I will cope if the child I am pregnant with now ends up with significant delays or autism, but I’m going to have to figure it out. Therapy is helping me, at least a tiny bit., Please don't beat yourself up about it, the exact same thing happened to me., My youngest son is so good for my oldest son. I was in denial about autism. But developmentally they play well together and my oldest (the one with autism) is encouraged by my youngest. I just wanted to give you a bit of hope. It really does get better. It still has it's hard moments, especially now that my 4 year old seems that my 6 year old is not like him. Him realizing this has been painful. You're not selfish though. Have some grace with yourself., Not really any advice here, but my wife passed away few years ago when my daughter was six months old and my son was 3 years old. My daughter is LVL3 Non verbal - I am lucky that I have my parents help otherwise it would be soo hard. I've had to quit jobs because I could not handle dealing with her sleepless nights. I used to move her around stroller in the house in middle of night for hours, months on end. Maybe year even. Her sleep has gotten better, but still it's brutal!!, I was right there with you a few months ago. My 2 boys are 2 years apart, almost to the day. I felt so guilty for so long after my second was born. My first was only flagged for Autism 3 months before his brother arrived. They are now 2y 8m and 8 months old. It's getting easier. I do a lot of therapy at home as well, and now that the 8 month old is sitting and more alert, I try and involve him in all the things we do. It doesn't always work out, but it's definitely getting easier., Adding a second child to the mix does indeed make the dynamic more challenging, disability or not. Learning how to manage 2 kids each with their own set of needs is definitely challenging. But there will be benefits to your child having a sibling. My son, who has autism, is my 5th child. Having so many kids influenced the decisions I made for my son and honestly it was for the better. I had my 6th child when he was 14 months old. Since my son was so delayed it felt like having twins for a while, until my daughter passed him up developmentally. I did everything with 2 babies in my arms or in the baby carriers. Having siblings has helped my son tremendously. Now that everyone is grown, they willingly hang out with him when I need some respite. They are also planning on taking over for me when I am too old to care for him and when i inevitably pass away. It brings me comfort that he won't be alone in this world. If you have too many appointments, see if you can trim it down. I had my son do ot/speech at the same session, for example. Sometimes they are willing and able to co-treat. Are you able to get in-home therapies for him? Have them come to you? Once he started full day pre-k, I actually stopped his outpatient therapy because he was getting those therapies at school and I was able to continue working on the goals at home. It was much easier to not have to bring everyone to an outpatient appointment. If you can't trim appointments down, see if you can have someone accompany you...or if you can change the time so that your husband can attend and help out. If it is truly too much for you right now, then take a break from the appointments. Your mental state takes precedence. Your son sounds pretty young and I know you feel like you have to do this but the reality is that he will be ok if you just simply take a break for a little while. It is far more important that his primary caregiver not feel overwhelmed and stressed out., My spouse felt the same way. Our ASD child is the youngest of 3, with a 6yr gap. Our ASD child is mid-lvl functioning non verbal, and ADHD. For a while she felt like a “unfit mother” because most of her attention was focused on our ASD child. But as they started their therapies it has smoothed out a bit. They require less attention, they interact socially with their siblings. Patience and self care. I feel as parents who want the best for their children (neurotypical or otherwise), we often get lost in being parents we forget that we have our needs. It’s great to have a partner that not only is willing to help but who can also provide you with mental support as this journey is lifelong., I didn't know my daughter was autistic until she was 8. She did point and clap within range, and all she had was a speech delay at your child’s age. The signs can be really subtle. It only became apparent to me as she grew older and her social prowess floundered. She can't hold a conversation most of the time about anything if it doesn't follow the script of pleasantries we humans tend to use. Give yourself some grace. You can't predict everything. Show your two kids how much you love them and advocate for your kiddos., you can't change the past. so it's not worth the energy to wish "what if?". all you can do is focus on the now and the future. you're doing your best and that's amazing. sounds like you're doing a great job, you and your husband are a great team and a terrific family., What if your younger one drags your other one along socially, in a good way. Someone to mimic etc. That’s what’s happening for us. Try and stay positive., I got pregnant when my son was 11 months old and he went on to be diagnosed with autism. You’re not alone. You can do this and I am rooting for you., If it helps, I’m an autistic child with two younger autistic siblings. It’s genetic in our family, my mum is actually an identical twin and both her and my aunt have autism. Our only two cousins also have autism. It can be hard I’ve heard. I don’t think my mum is selfish for having my siblings when she had me, im also a bit older and when I was taken to the doctor as a kid, the doctor said girls can’t have autism and said I just had social anxiety. This was before the DSM5. I know my parents did their best, it was hard for me with my siblings getting most of the attention, and I still wish I had more help as a kid, but then again my parents didn’t even know I was autistic at the time because of what that doctor said. I was diagnosed a couple years ago and my parents say they feel selfish too because they didn’t know and “it was obvious”. But it’s ok. Parents are just doing their best. I’m half asleep and have level 2 autism so I’m sorry if this isn’t good writing and is all over the place. I hope it helps regardless though., Same thing happened to me too! Autistic babies can be really “easy” babies. I know mine was! We were super excited to have another kid. We spaced our next pregnancy so they’d be 2.5 years apart. It was right after I got pregnant (when he was just turning two) that it really sunk in that he wasn’t learning to talk and he was starting to have scary meltdowns. It was a lot to have a newborn and go through those years. Then my copper IUD failed and we had a third kid only 18 months after the second! He is also on the spectrum, diagnosed at 2 years old also. But now that it’s the second time around, I’m not as stressed and worried about his development as I was with my first. Anyways sorry for rambling but I totally understand where you’re coming from! Feeling overwhelmed and like you’re cheating one of yours kids somehow. I’m sure you’re a great mom! And even though it’s hard for me right now, my boys adore each other and my autistic boys have their best friends built in… this is something that comforts me when I worry about my kindergartner making friends. He already has his people who love, admire and adore him … his little bros!, This same thing happened to me, it’s hard. But it’s been years and years later, we found a way to make it work. And my sons are the best of friends, they’re super close. It gets better., We just went through this so my heart goes out to you 💟 mine is 4 and his baby brother is 2 months I felt bad I had to leave him to attend to the baby and he would get upset but now that he's a little older he like to help. He brings bottles and blankets and wants to hold him. Feeling guilty is normal I think, I'm not an expert but I felt with it and it definitely is hard at times but we can only do what we are capable of and your baby will know you still love them. It may be hard at times but take these words to heart. You are an amazing mama and you love your child unconditionally., Aww it is a lot at first, isn’t it? My daughter is nearly 3 and we just reached the end of our diagnostic journey which means- finally- a lot fewer appointments. It was music to my ears when the developmental pediatrician said she didn’t need to see us for another year… and then we got cleaned by neuro too.. so no more appointments with them. Another specialist she sees for a non-ASD related condition doesn’t want to see her for 4 months instead of 3. Edited to add my point.. is that I feel like the appointment stuff is getting much easier and less obtrusive now., The most a parent can do for their child is give their absolute best, you are doing that. There's nothing to feel bad about. Parenting is hard, regardless of your kids being ND or NT. You and your husband are doing great., That sounds very hard! You are doing a great job! Please don’t blame yourself. I just wanted to second the comment about progress. A lot can change from age 2. I’m not saying it definitely will but our kiddo was diagnosed level 3 and head banging against the wall/window, meltdowns, speech delay at 2 years old and is now low needs autistic (haven’t got a new level but that’s probably where she is) at three and a bit. I think she’ll probably have issues again socially when she’s older because of following scripts but she’s doing so well right now., Hey fellow Ontarioian! It’s okay, it’s not your fault. A YouTuber I watch who is a OBGYN often says “we do the best we can with the information we have” often adding that if we knew differently we would have acted differently but when you don’t know you can’t be blamed. Also, there are many parents who know and understand your struggles with having more than one child and one of them being special needs… you’re definitely not alone there., Happened to me , not going to lie, newborn-1.5 was awwwwwwwweful. But it’s gotten better and they’re besties now. Just know there is light at the end of the tunnel, I have 3 kids in short succession and first two were diagnosed so I had absolutely no idea or clue. Not your fault., We waited 5 years to have another kid and I wish we would have had another kid much sooner. Your child will be forced out of their comfort zone because of your newborn. It will be tough at first but in the long run it will help your son grow and become more adaptable. Hang in there, you’re doing a great job, Same thing by the time it was flagged up by my family at 2.5 years the second baby had just been born. I feel terrible about bringing the 11 month old to speech and OT. If it was at his naptime I would leave him with hubs who wfh., Celebrate the small victories because you win conquer, Yo! This happens will all kids of all diversities and quantities. My daughter has dance class that takes away from time I can have my son do things. Fundamentally it sucks to want to be 2 places at one time. You'll get the hang of it!, Yep. Same thing happened to my wife and I. Don’t beat yourself up. Know it will be hard for awhile. Do the best you can. Again, don’t beat yourself up. Be glad your kids will eventually be old enough to appreciate having a sibling., You have brought two beautiful humans into this world who you are trying to find a balance for, and to care for and support. That’s more than many parents do for their children. I’m sorry you are feeling this way. It can be a long journey. I have an older autistic child and younger child, I also feel guilt sometimes for creating a scenario where my youngest may need to choose to care for or not care for a sibling. That’s rough on anyone., You’re doing great! No, you may not have planned on having an autistic child, but you got one. Now you may have a caretaker for him. My daughter is almost 40 with a 3 year old autistic girl. How do you chance another one? What happens when we die? She’ll be just getting thru high school when my daughter retires. What will happen to my 30 year old granddaughter when she has no siblings and her parents are gone? Being an only child is lonely. Having a built in playmate is great! This will be your normal. Chin up, keep in motion!🤗🤗🤗, I'm also in ontario and was in a similar situation. It was so hard when my kids were little. They're 3.5 and 5.5 now, both autistic, and life is so much easier. Those newborn days were hell. It can get better. I'm so happy and grateful to have a second child. He's so wonderful and they both benefit a lot from having a sibling., I was pregnant again 5 weeks after my son was born (I know, I know!). My daughter is 10.5 months younger than her brother who is now 10 and autistic. Honestly, it will get better. You and your husband stick together though, because the next few years are going to be HARD. But it does improve. Arrange a schedule for others to get to know your children, make a village and then use that village as respite and allow you and your husband to date, too. Find groups. This is important too, especially for your mental health. Find a hobby, something that can allow you to be yourself for an evening a week. And if you ever get overwhelmed and you need to vent, you can DM me and I will understand how it is., I could have written this myself 5 years ago. I felt all of the exact same things you are feeling. My older two kids are autistic. My oldest, my daughter, it wasn’t obvious because she pointed and spoke and whatnot on time, it didn’t become more apparent that she was autistic until around kindergarten. At that point it was becoming very clear that my 2.5 year old son was also autistic- he had a severe speech/gesture delay but his stupid pediatrician kept brushing it off and saying he wasn’t concerned because of his eye contact and some other things. So as I was finding out that my older two were both autistic at the same time, I had a newborn. It was so brutal- I was so overwhelmed and guilty and depressed. Food lost its flavor. I couldn’t do anything other than obsessively look up stuff about autistic kids and therapies in an attempt to fix/make up for lost time. I got treatment for PPD and the medication helped SO much. It kept me from going into spirals of despair. I was able to enjoy the good moments with my kids rather than only fixating on the bad. And trust me- there will be MANY good moments! You don’t want to miss them because you’re busy beating yourself up. My kids are 9, 7 and 5 now- my oldest still has some behavior and social issues but is doing pretty well in school and is happy and has many interests. My youngest child is neurotypical and has some mild delays like speech but is also doing very well. My middle child has the most struggles, but he progresses and we are working on getting better school accommodations. All of my kids are a delight and they bring us a lot of joy. I wish the best for you and hope you can seek treatment and climb out of the hole you’re in., My little one has ASD, my cousins son (9) has diabetes 1, my other cousin's son has Duchenne musculae dystrophy... Why am I saying this? There is no selfishness or bad or right timing, kids are blessing no matter what. Your older one is just 1 ! We always assume and make some plans but fail to have the pleasure at the moment. I am sure things will all play out well, just spend the time together, share and vent here. We are all in more or less same situation. If you ask me if I would have reversed the time and avoid having my little one? NEVER, his little smile is worth of everything, I have dreams that we are having conversations and I am looking forwards for this to happen. We human beings are remarkable, adaptable, I am sure you will fins your way. Just hug both of them, Therapist and mom speaking here: Please don't feel guilty. We do the best we can with what we have. Every situation is an opportunity for learning and growth for our children. I've seen children thrive in some pretty grim situations. Being an only child or a child more fully spaced does not guarantee a better life or education. I've see children struggle with wealth, and opportunities. What is most important is that you and children are calm and as regulated as possible. That you love each other and are patient with each other. Little good comes from panic, anxiety, guilt, depression, stress, and/or anger. A lot of good comes from processing your feelings outloud if they see you doing it successfully. "Wow, I was a little worried we'd be late, but guess what? I took a big breath, blew it out and realized it's OK to be late sometimes." Little 1 will learn to be more flexible from having a sibling with the needs all babies have. He will learn to wait even if it's hard or takes time to learn. This is soooo important. Many a child with disabilities has a harder life because parents feel guilty and don't work to develop basic coping skills in their children. He can learn to wait when you say, "I'll hold your hand while you wait for me to finish nursing your sibling" or "I'll watch you play while I rock the baby" .... Baby came second and won't know any different. We go to the therapy room twice a week and read/play while brother does something away from us. Or we join in play with brother and the therapist - how cool. I know many people on this site have children with profound disabilities and this makes things infinitely harder but in the end we find a way. Ask friends and family for support. Lean on those who offer help. Give up having a super tidy home, perfect meals, etc.. Find a way to do this without destroying yourself. It's a long haul and the guilt will crush you. Hang in there mama you got this!, I don’t know if this helps at all, but it is so positive that your autistic child will always have someone to advocate for them, long after you’re gone. I know that doesn’t help with the enormous stress and exhaustion you must be feeling, but I admire your sacrifice. I’m only going to have one because I am not a good enough mother to have a second. But I don’t know like to think about what could happen to my daughter once I go (hopefully at 100 years, but still). Just wanted to say - hang in there, you are more than enough for both of your babies and they will thank you one day!, This newborn can be the best thing that ever happened. My second born was not on purpose because I was on birth control and still got pregnant. Now my autistic oldest is almost 12 and his younger brother is 10. The youngest is the only one who really knows how to play with his brother. And what a gift that is for my oldest. Remember, they’re only little once. Don’t spend these years worrying. Embrace them, love them for who they are. Don’t stress about getting him into therapy.. ABA might not even be that helpful to you. I swear my oldest has learned everything from me and I wasted years trying all the therapies from therapists with worse family situations than me. Keep loving your husband. This is temporary. You’re gonna still love your journey., I did the same I got pregnant 18months after getting my son diagnosed with autism. Having him a sister/brother actually helps with social skills, play and development. Exposure to the world if safe helps. Good luck it's going to be okay. My now 7 and 6 yo children are good friends and have their own conversations. Everything happens for a reason., My son had a great contact he is 4 and half years old. Up to 13 months he spoke 10-15 words then he lost the speech 13-36 months. I stopped screen time at 4 years old for 3 months and started speech therapy and joined in iep special education Fulltime now he is forming sentences and use words a lot still have issues with social but I am happy don’t be worried they are lot of people here with same issues. My son is also born in covid 2019-201 was really hard for us, My daughter and son has 2 and half years difference . 2 year daughter goes to play with 4 years old who does not like at all., Us too. For us, he turned one and two during Covid, and while I made some honest attempts to look into it and get him help during those first years, I was only met with false reassurance., Same here., Yes, in reflecting on your comment, my youngest helped my oldest (autistic) accelerate in terms of communication. Definitely a benefit of having two kiddos who can create their own bond and model each other! (Sometimes not a benefit but overall, mostly good!), Yes! Same thing happened, our kids are 19 months apart, Have you tried clonidine before bed? My daughter is the same- terrible terible sleep and melatonin backfires and she has never slept longer than 6 hours… we have her on a very low dose of liquid prozac and we crush up a tablet of clonidine and mix it with water before bed and my baby girl is calm!!!!! She is CALM at bedtime. I hate to promote medications because they work different for every child. But this one is working for us!!!! She seems legitimately happier during the day lately too. Im so very sorry for your loss. Your kids are so so lucky to have you., I’m so sorry for your loss. I am glad you have support. Your children are lucky to have such a committed remaining parent., Yes, same. I am talking to my newborn constantly since that is all I am doing with my first to encourage speech and the three of us are always together on the floor or reading a book, Yes!!! Call the therapy place and say you just need a little breather to adjust with the new baby. I did that with mine and that lowered my personal stress a lot. Theres TONS of stuff to do at home with ASD kids that is the same as going to therapy. You can only do what you can!!! Babies are happier around happy moms. Fact. Lol, Hi there, just a bit off the topic, but what is his level now? How is his speech? I understand the siblings will be taking care of him, what is his social level, does he have work? Great family though! Must be lucky to be surrounded like this, Yes my son is level 3 so it wasn’t subtle. He needs significant support which is hard to give him with a newborn. We are struggling. My pediatrician mentioned the songs are more subtle with lower support needs, Yes, just wish there were was more awareness about not pointing by 1 being a marker and things like that instead of oh boys are just slower to develop and shy like his pediatrician originally said. No he has severe autism, that’s why he doesn’t point. He seems social but only when you’re animated to entertain him., Thank you. I think I just needed to vent, I feel a bit better now but holy. My husband is getting a vasectomy next week. I love my two boys more than anything., My next son is most likely ASD based on genetic tests. We are worried what will happen to them when we pass. We are doing everything we can though to try and set them up financially after we’re gone, We got the false reassurance too because my son made great eye contact etc, Yes false reassurance , I’m also kicking myself since we have no family and we knew even one child would be hard but once he started being such a joy at 6 months we were like omgosh yes let’s have another at a year. Got pregnant right away, and that was that. If it had of taken us a year to get pregnant like it did my first we would have been fine since we would have probably known something was up by then. It’s just all so backwards, Me three! 👋, Same for my son and daughter, they helped each other so much!, When you get too tired of talking and reading “vooks” on youtube is your BEST friend. Its just a bunch of short kid stories and they are very entertaining and well done. My five year old is an incredibly proficient reader and its seriously from storytime vooks on freaking youtube 😂😂😂, He was diagnosed under the old dsm so on paper he has classical autism, but he is solidly a level 3, and has always been. He is non-verbal, no functional language at all. Not potty trained and he has a profound intellectual disability. He does not, and can not work. As for social level, I am not sure what that means but he is incredibly affectionate on his own terms and enjoys interacting with people. He is a total love. My kids are absolutely the best and I am the luckiest mom to have all of them., Look into respite. Baby wear. Have you and your husband each take a kid for 1/2 day on the weekends and do something. Then switch the next weekend. Are you breastfeeding? Supplement if you need to for your mental health. Hang in there. Find a support group. Is your son in public school or ABA? Put him in both if you can. It WILL get easier but it’s really really fucking hard for a while., I am pregnant now and my son, 16 months, is on a waitlist for autism evaluation. When we started trying for our second we were hoping he may just be mildly affected but it appears more likely that he will have greater needs. We decided to stop trying but by that point I was already pregnant. I am scared, but I also hope that a positive sibling relationship will eventually develop. I also know I would regret never having tried for a second, although the age gap they will have (around two years) is not ideal in terms of caring for both. I am going to have to rely on family and friends more and not put as much pressure on myself to do everything., You definitely don't have to share but im curious what kind of genetic testing can tell you this about future kids? Was it something found in your son and you or your partner?, Yes. He was a great babbler and made intense eye contact. My whole family tree and all the docs thought I was crazy., I can relate so much to going through all these what ifs in my head. It's hard., Fourth here, Understood.. thanks for sharing, and give him a big hug. Kids are always a blessing., what was his signs as a toddler? my daughter is autistic but we don’t know what level she is, sending you all best wishes x, So he’s in public daycare because in Canada In my province there is a 6 year wait for any funding or services. We have a program called all kids belong that checks in once in a while at daycare but there has been nothing much to come out of that, basically they just try and make the daycare understand so he doesn’t get kicked out, Just fyi a lot can happen in 2 years My son at 2 years old was non-verbal and head banging. Skip to today at the age of 4 and he is communicating and the self-injury has stopped. He does have other issues like meltdowns over small things. I don’t have other kids but now I wish I did as I believe the consistent interaction could teach him so much about interpersonal relationships. But I know my limits and if I gave another ASD kid I may end up having a nervous breakdown., Fragile x. chD8 were the conclusive ones, just in me. My brother just had a kid too same time as me and they are also on spectrum but it’s just not as obvious because they pointed and language recessed, so hopefully the language comes back., Yep. Level 3 kiddo over here too, so many people said oh it must be really mild if so. He does no gestures and has 15 words that are gone now, have tantrums and will only eat dry crunchy foods, no it’s not mild…, fifth, It’s so hard living with not knowing what the future can bring. It is encouraging that your son has made such huge progress. My son is making small gains, and I hope over time this will turn into more noticeable progress. I also am not sure how I will cope if the child I am pregnant with now ends up with significant delays or autism, but I’m going to have to figure it out. Therapy is helping me, at least a tiny bit., Please don't beat yourself up about it, the exact same thing happened to me., My youngest son is so good for my oldest son. I was in denial about autism. But developmentally they play well together and my oldest (the one with autism) is encouraged by my youngest. I just wanted to give you a bit of hope. It really does get better. It still has it's hard moments, especially now that my 4 year old seems that my 6 year old is not like him. Him realizing this has been painful. You're not selfish though. Have some grace with yourself., Not really any advice here, but my wife passed away few years ago when my daughter was six months old and my son was 3 years old. My daughter is LVL3 Non verbal - I am lucky that I have my parents help otherwise it would be soo hard. I've had to quit jobs because I could not handle dealing with her sleepless nights. I used to move her around stroller in the house in middle of night for hours, months on end. Maybe year even. Her sleep has gotten better, but still it's brutal!!, I was right there with you a few months ago. My 2 boys are 2 years apart, almost to the day. I felt so guilty for so long after my second was born. My first was only flagged for Autism 3 months before his brother arrived. They are now 2y 8m and 8 months old. It's getting easier. I do a lot of therapy at home as well, and now that the 8 month old is sitting and more alert, I try and involve him in all the things we do. It doesn't always work out, but it's definitely getting easier., Adding a second child to the mix does indeed make the dynamic more challenging, disability or not. Learning how to manage 2 kids each with their own set of needs is definitely challenging. But there will be benefits to your child having a sibling. My son, who has autism, is my 5th child. Having so many kids influenced the decisions I made for my son and honestly it was for the better. I had my 6th child when he was 14 months old. Since my son was so delayed it felt like having twins for a while, until my daughter passed him up developmentally. I did everything with 2 babies in my arms or in the baby carriers. Having siblings has helped my son tremendously. Now that everyone is grown, they willingly hang out with him when I need some respite. They are also planning on taking over for me when I am too old to care for him and when i inevitably pass away. It brings me comfort that he won't be alone in this world. If you have too many appointments, see if you can trim it down. I had my son do ot/speech at the same session, for example. Sometimes they are willing and able to co-treat. Are you able to get in-home therapies for him? Have them come to you? Once he started full day pre-k, I actually stopped his outpatient therapy because he was getting those therapies at school and I was able to continue working on the goals at home. It was much easier to not have to bring everyone to an outpatient appointment. If you can't trim appointments down, see if you can have someone accompany you...or if you can change the time so that your husband can attend and help out. If it is truly too much for you right now, then take a break from the appointments. Your mental state takes precedence. Your son sounds pretty young and I know you feel like you have to do this but the reality is that he will be ok if you just simply take a break for a little while. It is far more important that his primary caregiver not feel overwhelmed and stressed out., My spouse felt the same way. Our ASD child is the youngest of 3, with a 6yr gap. Our ASD child is mid-lvl functioning non verbal, and ADHD. For a while she felt like a “unfit mother” because most of her attention was focused on our ASD child. But as they started their therapies it has smoothed out a bit. They require less attention, they interact socially with their siblings. Patience and self care. I feel as parents who want the best for their children (neurotypical or otherwise), we often get lost in being parents we forget that we have our needs. It’s great to have a partner that not only is willing to help but who can also provide you with mental support as this journey is lifelong., I didn't know my daughter was autistic until she was 8. She did point and clap within range, and all she had was a speech delay at your child’s age. The signs can be really subtle. It only became apparent to me as she grew older and her social prowess floundered. She can't hold a conversation most of the time about anything if it doesn't follow the script of pleasantries we humans tend to use. Give yourself some grace. You can't predict everything. Show your two kids how much you love them and advocate for your kiddos., you can't change the past. so it's not worth the energy to wish "what if?". all you can do is focus on the now and the future. you're doing your best and that's amazing. sounds like you're doing a great job, you and your husband are a great team and a terrific family., What if your younger one drags your other one along socially, in a good way. Someone to mimic etc. That’s what’s happening for us. Try and stay positive., I got pregnant when my son was 11 months old and he went on to be diagnosed with autism. You’re not alone. You can do this and I am rooting for you., If it helps, I’m an autistic child with two younger autistic siblings. It’s genetic in our family, my mum is actually an identical twin and both her and my aunt have autism. Our only two cousins also have autism. It can be hard I’ve heard. I don’t think my mum is selfish for having my siblings when she had me, im also a bit older and when I was taken to the doctor as a kid, the doctor said girls can’t have autism and said I just had social anxiety. This was before the DSM5. I know my parents did their best, it was hard for me with my siblings getting most of the attention, and I still wish I had more help as a kid, but then again my parents didn’t even know I was autistic at the time because of what that doctor said. I was diagnosed a couple years ago and my parents say they feel selfish too because they didn’t know and “it was obvious”. But it’s ok. Parents are just doing their best. I’m half asleep and have level 2 autism so I’m sorry if this isn’t good writing and is all over the place. I hope it helps regardless though., Same thing happened to me too! Autistic babies can be really “easy” babies. I know mine was! We were super excited to have another kid. We spaced our next pregnancy so they’d be 2.5 years apart. It was right after I got pregnant (when he was just turning two) that it really sunk in that he wasn’t learning to talk and he was starting to have scary meltdowns. It was a lot to have a newborn and go through those years. Then my copper IUD failed and we had a third kid only 18 months after the second! He is also on the spectrum, diagnosed at 2 years old also. But now that it’s the second time around, I’m not as stressed and worried about his development as I was with my first. Anyways sorry for rambling but I totally understand where you’re coming from! Feeling overwhelmed and like you’re cheating one of yours kids somehow. I’m sure you’re a great mom! And even though it’s hard for me right now, my boys adore each other and my autistic boys have their best friends built in… this is something that comforts me when I worry about my kindergartner making friends. He already has his people who love, admire and adore him … his little bros!, This same thing happened to me, it’s hard. But it’s been years and years later, we found a way to make it work. And my sons are the best of friends, they’re super close. It gets better., We just went through this so my heart goes out to you 💟 mine is 4 and his baby brother is 2 months I felt bad I had to leave him to attend to the baby and he would get upset but now that he's a little older he like to help. He brings bottles and blankets and wants to hold him. Feeling guilty is normal I think, I'm not an expert but I felt with it and it definitely is hard at times but we can only do what we are capable of and your baby will know you still love them. It may be hard at times but take these words to heart. You are an amazing mama and you love your child unconditionally., Aww it is a lot at first, isn’t it? My daughter is nearly 3 and we just reached the end of our diagnostic journey which means- finally- a lot fewer appointments. It was music to my ears when the developmental pediatrician said she didn’t need to see us for another year… and then we got cleaned by neuro too.. so no more appointments with them. Another specialist she sees for a non-ASD related condition doesn’t want to see her for 4 months instead of 3. Edited to add my point.. is that I feel like the appointment stuff is getting much easier and less obtrusive now., The most a parent can do for their child is give their absolute best, you are doing that. There's nothing to feel bad about. Parenting is hard, regardless of your kids being ND or NT. You and your husband are doing great., That sounds very hard! You are doing a great job! Please don’t blame yourself. I just wanted to second the comment about progress. A lot can change from age 2. I’m not saying it definitely will but our kiddo was diagnosed level 3 and head banging against the wall/window, meltdowns, speech delay at 2 years old and is now low needs autistic (haven’t got a new level but that’s probably where she is) at three and a bit. I think she’ll probably have issues again socially when she’s older because of following scripts but she’s doing so well right now., Hey fellow Ontarioian! It’s okay, it’s not your fault. A YouTuber I watch who is a OBGYN often says “we do the best we can with the information we have” often adding that if we knew differently we would have acted differently but when you don’t know you can’t be blamed. Also, there are many parents who know and understand your struggles with having more than one child and one of them being special needs… you’re definitely not alone there., Happened to me , not going to lie, newborn-1.5 was awwwwwwwweful. But it’s gotten better and they’re besties now. Just know there is light at the end of the tunnel, I have 3 kids in short succession and first two were diagnosed so I had absolutely no idea or clue. Not your fault., We waited 5 years to have another kid and I wish we would have had another kid much sooner. Your child will be forced out of their comfort zone because of your newborn. It will be tough at first but in the long run it will help your son grow and become more adaptable. Hang in there, you’re doing a great job, Same thing by the time it was flagged up by my family at 2.5 years the second baby had just been born. I feel terrible about bringing the 11 month old to speech and OT. If it was at his naptime I would leave him with hubs who wfh., Celebrate the small victories because you win conquer, Yo! This happens will all kids of all diversities and quantities. My daughter has dance class that takes away from time I can have my son do things. Fundamentally it sucks to want to be 2 places at one time. You'll get the hang of it!, Yep. Same thing happened to my wife and I. Don’t beat yourself up. Know it will be hard for awhile. Do the best you can. Again, don’t beat yourself up. Be glad your kids will eventually be old enough to appreciate having a sibling., You have brought two beautiful humans into this world who you are trying to find a balance for, and to care for and support. That’s more than many parents do for their children. I’m sorry you are feeling this way. It can be a long journey. I have an older autistic child and younger child, I also feel guilt sometimes for creating a scenario where my youngest may need to choose to care for or not care for a sibling. That’s rough on anyone., You’re doing great! No, you may not have planned on having an autistic child, but you got one. Now you may have a caretaker for him. My daughter is almost 40 with a 3 year old autistic girl. How do you chance another one? What happens when we die? She’ll be just getting thru high school when my daughter retires. What will happen to my 30 year old granddaughter when she has no siblings and her parents are gone? Being an only child is lonely. Having a built in playmate is great! This will be your normal. Chin up, keep in motion!🤗🤗🤗, I'm also in ontario and was in a similar situation. It was so hard when my kids were little. They're 3.5 and 5.5 now, both autistic, and life is so much easier. Those newborn days were hell. It can get better. I'm so happy and grateful to have a second child. He's so wonderful and they both benefit a lot from having a sibling., I was pregnant again 5 weeks after my son was born (I know, I know!). My daughter is 10.5 months younger than her brother who is now 10 and autistic. Honestly, it will get better. You and your husband stick together though, because the next few years are going to be HARD. But it does improve. Arrange a schedule for others to get to know your children, make a village and then use that village as respite and allow you and your husband to date, too. Find groups. This is important too, especially for your mental health. Find a hobby, something that can allow you to be yourself for an evening a week. And if you ever get overwhelmed and you need to vent, you can DM me and I will understand how it is., I could have written this myself 5 years ago. I felt all of the exact same things you are feeling. My older two kids are autistic. My oldest, my daughter, it wasn’t obvious because she pointed and spoke and whatnot on time, it didn’t become more apparent that she was autistic until around kindergarten. At that point it was becoming very clear that my 2.5 year old son was also autistic- he had a severe speech/gesture delay but his stupid pediatrician kept brushing it off and saying he wasn’t concerned because of his eye contact and some other things. So as I was finding out that my older two were both autistic at the same time, I had a newborn. It was so brutal- I was so overwhelmed and guilty and depressed. Food lost its flavor. I couldn’t do anything other than obsessively look up stuff about autistic kids and therapies in an attempt to fix/make up for lost time. I got treatment for PPD and the medication helped SO much. It kept me from going into spirals of despair. I was able to enjoy the good moments with my kids rather than only fixating on the bad. And trust me- there will be MANY good moments! You don’t want to miss them because you’re busy beating yourself up. My kids are 9, 7 and 5 now- my oldest still has some behavior and social issues but is doing pretty well in school and is happy and has many interests. My youngest child is neurotypical and has some mild delays like speech but is also doing very well. My middle child has the most struggles, but he progresses and we are working on getting better school accommodations. All of my kids are a delight and they bring us a lot of joy. I wish the best for you and hope you can seek treatment and climb out of the hole you’re in., My little one has ASD, my cousins son (9) has diabetes 1, my other cousin's son has Duchenne musculae dystrophy... Why am I saying this? There is no selfishness or bad or right timing, kids are blessing no matter what. Your older one is just 1 ! We always assume and make some plans but fail to have the pleasure at the moment. I am sure things will all play out well, just spend the time together, share and vent here. We are all in more or less same situation. If you ask me if I would have reversed the time and avoid having my little one? NEVER, his little smile is worth of everything, I have dreams that we are having conversations and I am looking forwards for this to happen. We human beings are remarkable, adaptable, I am sure you will fins your way. Just hug both of them, Therapist and mom speaking here: Please don't feel guilty. We do the best we can with what we have. Every situation is an opportunity for learning and growth for our children. I've seen children thrive in some pretty grim situations. Being an only child or a child more fully spaced does not guarantee a better life or education. I've see children struggle with wealth, and opportunities. What is most important is that you and children are calm and as regulated as possible. That you love each other and are patient with each other. Little good comes from panic, anxiety, guilt, depression, stress, and/or anger. A lot of good comes from processing your feelings outloud if they see you doing it successfully. "Wow, I was a little worried we'd be late, but guess what? I took a big breath, blew it out and realized it's OK to be late sometimes." Little 1 will learn to be more flexible from having a sibling with the needs all babies have. He will learn to wait even if it's hard or takes time to learn. This is soooo important. Many a child with disabilities has a harder life because parents feel guilty and don't work to develop basic coping skills in their children. He can learn to wait when you say, "I'll hold your hand while you wait for me to finish nursing your sibling" or "I'll watch you play while I rock the baby" .... Baby came second and won't know any different. We go to the therapy room twice a week and read/play while brother does something away from us. Or we join in play with brother and the therapist - how cool. I know many people on this site have children with profound disabilities and this makes things infinitely harder but in the end we find a way. Ask friends and family for support. Lean on those who offer help. Give up having a super tidy home, perfect meals, etc.. Find a way to do this without destroying yourself. It's a long haul and the guilt will crush you. Hang in there mama you got this!, I don’t know if this helps at all, but it is so positive that your autistic child will always have someone to advocate for them, long after you’re gone. I know that doesn’t help with the enormous stress and exhaustion you must be feeling, but I admire your sacrifice. I’m only going to have one because I am not a good enough mother to have a second. But I don’t know like to think about what could happen to my daughter once I go (hopefully at 100 years, but still). Just wanted to say - hang in there, you are more than enough for both of your babies and they will thank you one day!, This newborn can be the best thing that ever happened. My second born was not on purpose because I was on birth control and still got pregnant. Now my autistic oldest is almost 12 and his younger brother is 10. The youngest is the only one who really knows how to play with his brother. And what a gift that is for my oldest. Remember, they’re only little once. Don’t spend these years worrying. Embrace them, love them for who they are. Don’t stress about getting him into therapy.. ABA might not even be that helpful to you. I swear my oldest has learned everything from me and I wasted years trying all the therapies from therapists with worse family situations than me. Keep loving your husband. This is temporary. You’re gonna still love your journey., I did the same I got pregnant 18months after getting my son diagnosed with autism. Having him a sister/brother actually helps with social skills, play and development. Exposure to the world if safe helps. Good luck it's going to be okay. My now 7 and 6 yo children are good friends and have their own conversations. Everything happens for a reason., My son had a great contact he is 4 and half years old. Up to 13 months he spoke 10-15 words then he lost the speech 13-36 months. I stopped screen time at 4 years old for 3 months and started speech therapy and joined in iep special education Fulltime now he is forming sentences and use words a lot still have issues with social but I am happy don’t be worried they are lot of people here with same issues. My son is also born in covid 2019-201 was really hard for us, My daughter and son has 2 and half years difference . 2 year daughter goes to play with 4 years old who does not like at all., Us too. For us, he turned one and two during Covid, and while I made some honest attempts to look into it and get him help during those first years, I was only met with false reassurance., Same here., Yes, in reflecting on your comment, my youngest helped my oldest (autistic) accelerate in terms of communication. Definitely a benefit of having two kiddos who can create their own bond and model each other! (Sometimes not a benefit but overall, mostly good!), Yes! Same thing happened, our kids are 19 months apart, Have you tried clonidine before bed? My daughter is the same- terrible terible sleep and melatonin backfires and she has never slept longer than 6 hours… we have her on a very low dose of liquid prozac and we crush up a tablet of clonidine and mix it with water before bed and my baby girl is calm!!!!! She is CALM at bedtime. I hate to promote medications because they work different for every child. But this one is working for us!!!! She seems legitimately happier during the day lately too. Im so very sorry for your loss. Your kids are so so lucky to have you., I’m so sorry for your loss. I am glad you have support. Your children are lucky to have such a committed remaining parent., Yes, same. I am talking to my newborn constantly since that is all I am doing with my first to encourage speech and the three of us are always together on the floor or reading a book, Yes!!! Call the therapy place and say you just need a little breather to adjust with the new baby. I did that with mine and that lowered my personal stress a lot. Theres TONS of stuff to do at home with ASD kids that is the same as going to therapy. You can only do what you can!!! Babies are happier around happy moms. Fact. Lol, Hi there, just a bit off the topic, but what is his level now? How is his speech? I understand the siblings will be taking care of him, what is his social level, does he have work? Great family though! Must be lucky to be surrounded like this, Yes my son is level 3 so it wasn’t subtle. He needs significant support which is hard to give him with a newborn. We are struggling. My pediatrician mentioned the songs are more subtle with lower support needs, Yes, just wish there were was more awareness about not pointing by 1 being a marker and things like that instead of oh boys are just slower to develop and shy like his pediatrician originally said. No he has severe autism, that’s why he doesn’t point. He seems social but only when you’re animated to entertain him., Thank you. I think I just needed to vent, I feel a bit better now but holy. My husband is getting a vasectomy next week. I love my two boys more than anything., My next son is most likely ASD based on genetic tests. We are worried what will happen to them when we pass. We are doing everything we can though to try and set them up financially after we’re gone, We got the false reassurance too because my son made great eye contact etc, Yes false reassurance , I’m also kicking myself since we have no family and we knew even one child would be hard but once he started being such a joy at 6 months we were like omgosh yes let’s have another at a year. Got pregnant right away, and that was that. If it had of taken us a year to get pregnant like it did my first we would have been fine since we would have probably known something was up by then. It’s just all so backwards, Me three! 👋, Same for my son and daughter, they helped each other so much!, When you get too tired of talking and reading “vooks” on youtube is your BEST friend. Its just a bunch of short kid stories and they are very entertaining and well done. My five year old is an incredibly proficient reader and its seriously from storytime vooks on freaking youtube 😂😂😂, He was diagnosed under the old dsm so on paper he has classical autism, but he is solidly a level 3, and has always been. He is non-verbal, no functional language at all. Not potty trained and he has a profound intellectual disability. He does not, and can not work. As for social level, I am not sure what that means but he is incredibly affectionate on his own terms and enjoys interacting with people. He is a total love. My kids are absolutely the best and I am the luckiest mom to have all of them., Look into respite. Baby wear. Have you and your husband each take a kid for 1/2 day on the weekends and do something. Then switch the next weekend. Are you breastfeeding? Supplement if you need to for your mental health. Hang in there. Find a support group. Is your son in public school or ABA? Put him in both if you can. It WILL get easier but it’s really really fucking hard for a while., I am pregnant now and my son, 16 months, is on a waitlist for autism evaluation. When we started trying for our second we were hoping he may just be mildly affected but it appears more likely that he will have greater needs. We decided to stop trying but by that point I was already pregnant. I am scared, but I also hope that a positive sibling relationship will eventually develop. I also know I would regret never having tried for a second, although the age gap they will have (around two years) is not ideal in terms of caring for both. I am going to have to rely on family and friends more and not put as much pressure on myself to do everything., You definitely don't have to share but im curious what kind of genetic testing can tell you this about future kids? Was it something found in your son and you or your partner?, Yes. He was a great babbler and made intense eye contact. My whole family tree and all the docs thought I was crazy., I can relate so much to going through all these what ifs in my head. It's hard., Fourth here, Understood.. thanks for sharing, and give him a big hug. Kids are always a blessing., what was his signs as a toddler? my daughter is autistic but we don’t know what level she is, sending you all best wishes x, So he’s in public daycare because in Canada In my province there is a 6 year wait for any funding or services. We have a program called all kids belong that checks in once in a while at daycare but there has been nothing much to come out of that, basically they just try and make the daycare understand so he doesn’t get kicked out, Just fyi a lot can happen in 2 years My son at 2 years old was non-verbal and head banging. Skip to today at the age of 4 and he is communicating and the self-injury has stopped. He does have other issues like meltdowns over small things. I don’t have other kids but now I wish I did as I believe the consistent interaction could teach him so much about interpersonal relationships. But I know my limits and if I gave another ASD kid I may end up having a nervous breakdown., Fragile x. chD8 were the conclusive ones, just in me. My brother just had a kid too same time as me and they are also on spectrum but it’s just not as obvious because they pointed and language recessed, so hopefully the language comes back., Yep. Level 3 kiddo over here too, so many people said oh it must be really mild if so. He does no gestures and has 15 words that are gone now, have tantrums and will only eat dry crunchy foods, no it’s not mild…, fifth, It’s so hard living with not knowing what the future can bring. It is encouraging that your son has made such huge progress. My son is making small gains, and I hope over time this will turn into more noticeable progress. I also am not sure how I will cope if the child I am pregnant with now ends up with significant delays or autism, but I’m going to have to figure it out. Therapy is helping me, at least a tiny bit., Please don't beat yourself up about it, the exact same thing happened to me., My youngest son is so good for my oldest son. I was in denial about autism. But developmentally they play well together and my oldest (the one with autism) is encouraged by my youngest. I just wanted to give you a bit of hope. It really does get better. It still has it's hard moments, especially now that my 4 year old seems that my 6 year old is not like him. Him realizing this has been painful. You're not selfish though. Have some grace with yourself., Not really any advice here, but my wife passed away few years ago when my daughter was six months old and my son was 3 years old. My daughter is LVL3 Non verbal - I am lucky that I have my parents help otherwise it would be soo hard. I've had to quit jobs because I could not handle dealing with her sleepless nights. I used to move her around stroller in the house in middle of night for hours, months on end. Maybe year even. Her sleep has gotten better, but still it's brutal!!, I was right there with you a few months ago. My 2 boys are 2 years apart, almost to the day. I felt so guilty for so long after my second was born. My first was only flagged for Autism 3 months before his brother arrived. They are now 2y 8m and 8 months old. It's getting easier. I do a lot of therapy at home as well, and now that the 8 month old is sitting and more alert, I try and involve him in all the things we do. It doesn't always work out, but it's definitely getting easier., Adding a second child to the mix does indeed make the dynamic more challenging, disability or not. Learning how to manage 2 kids each with their own set of needs is definitely challenging. But there will be benefits to your child having a sibling. My son, who has autism, is my 5th child. Having so many kids influenced the decisions I made for my son and honestly it was for the better. I had my 6th child when he was 14 months old. Since my son was so delayed it felt like having twins for a while, until my daughter passed him up developmentally. I did everything with 2 babies in my arms or in the baby carriers. Having siblings has helped my son tremendously. Now that everyone is grown, they willingly hang out with him when I need some respite. They are also planning on taking over for me when I am too old to care for him and when i inevitably pass away. It brings me comfort that he won't be alone in this world. If you have too many appointments, see if you can trim it down. I had my son do ot/speech at the same session, for example. Sometimes they are willing and able to co-treat. Are you able to get in-home therapies for him? Have them come to you? Once he started full day pre-k, I actually stopped his outpatient therapy because he was getting those therapies at school and I was able to continue working on the goals at home. It was much easier to not have to bring everyone to an outpatient appointment. If you can't trim appointments down, see if you can have someone accompany you...or if you can change the time so that your husband can attend and help out. If it is truly too much for you right now, then take a break from the appointments. Your mental state takes precedence. Your son sounds pretty young and I know you feel like you have to do this but the reality is that he will be ok if you just simply take a break for a little while. It is far more important that his primary caregiver not feel overwhelmed and stressed out., My spouse felt the same way. Our ASD child is the youngest of 3, with a 6yr gap. Our ASD child is mid-lvl functioning non verbal, and ADHD. For a while she felt like a “unfit mother” because most of her attention was focused on our ASD child. But as they started their therapies it has smoothed out a bit. They require less attention, they interact socially with their siblings. Patience and self care. I feel as parents who want the best for their children (neurotypical or otherwise), we often get lost in being parents we forget that we have our needs. It’s great to have a partner that not only is willing to help but who can also provide you with mental support as this journey is lifelong., I didn't know my daughter was autistic until she was 8. She did point and clap within range, and all she had was a speech delay at your child’s age. The signs can be really subtle. It only became apparent to me as she grew older and her social prowess floundered. She can't hold a conversation most of the time about anything if it doesn't follow the script of pleasantries we humans tend to use. Give yourself some grace. You can't predict everything. Show your two kids how much you love them and advocate for your kiddos., you can't change the past. so it's not worth the energy to wish "what if?". all you can do is focus on the now and the future. you're doing your best and that's amazing. sounds like you're doing a great job, you and your husband are a great team and a terrific family., What if your younger one drags your other one along socially, in a good way. Someone to mimic etc. That’s what’s happening for us. Try and stay positive., I got pregnant when my son was 11 months old and he went on to be diagnosed with autism. You’re not alone. You can do this and I am rooting for you., If it helps, I’m an autistic child with two younger autistic siblings. It’s genetic in our family, my mum is actually an identical twin and both her and my aunt have autism. Our only two cousins also have autism. It can be hard I’ve heard. I don’t think my mum is selfish for having my siblings when she had me, im also a bit older and when I was taken to the doctor as a kid, the doctor said girls can’t have autism and said I just had social anxiety. This was before the DSM5. I know my parents did their best, it was hard for me with my siblings getting most of the attention, and I still wish I had more help as a kid, but then again my parents didn’t even know I was autistic at the time because of what that doctor said. I was diagnosed a couple years ago and my parents say they feel selfish too because they didn’t know and “it was obvious”. But it’s ok. Parents are just doing their best. I’m half asleep and have level 2 autism so I’m sorry if this isn’t good writing and is all over the place. I hope it helps regardless though., Same thing happened to me too! Autistic babies can be really “easy” babies. I know mine was! We were super excited to have another kid. We spaced our next pregnancy so they’d be 2.5 years apart. It was right after I got pregnant (when he was just turning two) that it really sunk in that he wasn’t learning to talk and he was starting to have scary meltdowns. It was a lot to have a newborn and go through those years. Then my copper IUD failed and we had a third kid only 18 months after the second! He is also on the spectrum, diagnosed at 2 years old also. But now that it’s the second time around, I’m not as stressed and worried about his development as I was with my first. Anyways sorry for rambling but I totally understand where you’re coming from! Feeling overwhelmed and like you’re cheating one of yours kids somehow. I’m sure you’re a great mom! And even though it’s hard for me right now, my boys adore each other and my autistic boys have their best friends built in… this is something that comforts me when I worry about my kindergartner making friends. He already has his people who love, admire and adore him … his little bros!, This same thing happened to me, it’s hard. But it’s been years and years later, we found a way to make it work. And my sons are the best of friends, they’re super close. It gets better., We just went through this so my heart goes out to you 💟 mine is 4 and his baby brother is 2 months I felt bad I had to leave him to attend to the baby and he would get upset but now that he's a little older he like to help. He brings bottles and blankets and wants to hold him. Feeling guilty is normal I think, I'm not an expert but I felt with it and it definitely is hard at times but we can only do what we are capable of and your baby will know you still love them. It may be hard at times but take these words to heart. You are an amazing mama and you love your child unconditionally., Aww it is a lot at first, isn’t it? My daughter is nearly 3 and we just reached the end of our diagnostic journey which means- finally- a lot fewer appointments. It was music to my ears when the developmental pediatrician said she didn’t need to see us for another year… and then we got cleaned by neuro too.. so no more appointments with them. Another specialist she sees for a non-ASD related condition doesn’t want to see her for 4 months instead of 3. Edited to add my point.. is that I feel like the appointment stuff is getting much easier and less obtrusive now., The most a parent can do for their child is give their absolute best, you are doing that. There's nothing to feel bad about. Parenting is hard, regardless of your kids being ND or NT. You and your husband are doing great., That sounds very hard! You are doing a great job! Please don’t blame yourself. I just wanted to second the comment about progress. A lot can change from age 2. I’m not saying it definitely will but our kiddo was diagnosed level 3 and head banging against the wall/window, meltdowns, speech delay at 2 years old and is now low needs autistic (haven’t got a new level but that’s probably where she is) at three and a bit. I think she’ll probably have issues again socially when she’s older because of following scripts but she’s doing so well right now., Hey fellow Ontarioian! It’s okay, it’s not your fault. A YouTuber I watch who is a OBGYN often says “we do the best we can with the information we have” often adding that if we knew differently we would have acted differently but when you don’t know you can’t be blamed. Also, there are many parents who know and understand your struggles with having more than one child and one of them being special needs… you’re definitely not alone there., Happened to me , not going to lie, newborn-1.5 was awwwwwwwweful. But it’s gotten better and they’re besties now. Just know there is light at the end of the tunnel, I have 3 kids in short succession and first two were diagnosed so I had absolutely no idea or clue. Not your fault., We waited 5 years to have another kid and I wish we would have had another kid much sooner. Your child will be forced out of their comfort zone because of your newborn. It will be tough at first but in the long run it will help your son grow and become more adaptable. Hang in there, you’re doing a great job, Same thing by the time it was flagged up by my family at 2.5 years the second baby had just been born. I feel terrible about bringing the 11 month old to speech and OT. If it was at his naptime I would leave him with hubs who wfh., Celebrate the small victories because you win conquer, Yo! This happens will all kids of all diversities and quantities. My daughter has dance class that takes away from time I can have my son do things. Fundamentally it sucks to want to be 2 places at one time. You'll get the hang of it!, Yep. Same thing happened to my wife and I. Don’t beat yourself up. Know it will be hard for awhile. Do the best you can. Again, don’t beat yourself up. Be glad your kids will eventually be old enough to appreciate having a sibling., You have brought two beautiful humans into this world who you are trying to find a balance for, and to care for and support. That’s more than many parents do for their children. I’m sorry you are feeling this way. It can be a long journey. I have an older autistic child and younger child, I also feel guilt sometimes for creating a scenario where my youngest may need to choose to care for or not care for a sibling. That’s rough on anyone., You’re doing great! No, you may not have planned on having an autistic child, but you got one. Now you may have a caretaker for him. My daughter is almost 40 with a 3 year old autistic girl. How do you chance another one? What happens when we die? She’ll be just getting thru high school when my daughter retires. What will happen to my 30 year old granddaughter when she has no siblings and her parents are gone? Being an only child is lonely. Having a built in playmate is great! This will be your normal. Chin up, keep in motion!🤗🤗🤗, I'm also in ontario and was in a similar situation. It was so hard when my kids were little. They're 3.5 and 5.5 now, both autistic, and life is so much easier. Those newborn days were hell. It can get better. I'm so happy and grateful to have a second child. He's so wonderful and they both benefit a lot from having a sibling., I was pregnant again 5 weeks after my son was born (I know, I know!). My daughter is 10.5 months younger than her brother who is now 10 and autistic. Honestly, it will get better. You and your husband stick together though, because the next few years are going to be HARD. But it does improve. Arrange a schedule for others to get to know your children, make a village and then use that village as respite and allow you and your husband to date, too. Find groups. This is important too, especially for your mental health. Find a hobby, something that can allow you to be yourself for an evening a week. And if you ever get overwhelmed and you need to vent, you can DM me and I will understand how it is., I could have written this myself 5 years ago. I felt all of the exact same things you are feeling. My older two kids are autistic. My oldest, my daughter, it wasn’t obvious because she pointed and spoke and whatnot on time, it didn’t become more apparent that she was autistic until around kindergarten. At that point it was becoming very clear that my 2.5 year old son was also autistic- he had a severe speech/gesture delay but his stupid pediatrician kept brushing it off and saying he wasn’t concerned because of his eye contact and some other things. So as I was finding out that my older two were both autistic at the same time, I had a newborn. It was so brutal- I was so overwhelmed and guilty and depressed. Food lost its flavor. I couldn’t do anything other than obsessively look up stuff about autistic kids and therapies in an attempt to fix/make up for lost time. I got treatment for PPD and the medication helped SO much. It kept me from going into spirals of despair. I was able to enjoy the good moments with my kids rather than only fixating on the bad. And trust me- there will be MANY good moments! You don’t want to miss them because you’re busy beating yourself up. My kids are 9, 7 and 5 now- my oldest still has some behavior and social issues but is doing pretty well in school and is happy and has many interests. My youngest child is neurotypical and has some mild delays like speech but is also doing very well. My middle child has the most struggles, but he progresses and we are working on getting better school accommodations. All of my kids are a delight and they bring us a lot of joy. I wish the best for you and hope you can seek treatment and climb out of the hole you’re in., My little one has ASD, my cousins son (9) has diabetes 1, my other cousin's son has Duchenne musculae dystrophy... Why am I saying this? There is no selfishness or bad or right timing, kids are blessing no matter what. Your older one is just 1 ! We always assume and make some plans but fail to have the pleasure at the moment. I am sure things will all play out well, just spend the time together, share and vent here. We are all in more or less same situation. If you ask me if I would have reversed the time and avoid having my little one? NEVER, his little smile is worth of everything, I have dreams that we are having conversations and I am looking forwards for this to happen. We human beings are remarkable, adaptable, I am sure you will fins your way. Just hug both of them, Therapist and mom speaking here: Please don't feel guilty. We do the best we can with what we have. Every situation is an opportunity for learning and growth for our children. I've seen children thrive in some pretty grim situations. Being an only child or a child more fully spaced does not guarantee a better life or education. I've see children struggle with wealth, and opportunities. What is most important is that you and children are calm and as regulated as possible. That you love each other and are patient with each other. Little good comes from panic, anxiety, guilt, depression, stress, and/or anger. A lot of good comes from processing your feelings outloud if they see you doing it successfully. "Wow, I was a little worried we'd be late, but guess what? I took a big breath, blew it out and realized it's OK to be late sometimes." Little 1 will learn to be more flexible from having a sibling with the needs all babies have. He will learn to wait even if it's hard or takes time to learn. This is soooo important. Many a child with disabilities has a harder life because parents feel guilty and don't work to develop basic coping skills in their children. He can learn to wait when you say, "I'll hold your hand while you wait for me to finish nursing your sibling" or "I'll watch you play while I rock the baby" .... Baby came second and won't know any different. We go to the therapy room twice a week and read/play while brother does something away from us. Or we join in play with brother and the therapist - how cool. I know many people on this site have children with profound disabilities and this makes things infinitely harder but in the end we find a way. Ask friends and family for support. Lean on those who offer help. Give up having a super tidy home, perfect meals, etc.. Find a way to do this without destroying yourself. It's a long haul and the guilt will crush you. Hang in there mama you got this!, I don’t know if this helps at all, but it is so positive that your autistic child will always have someone to advocate for them, long after you’re gone. I know that doesn’t help with the enormous stress and exhaustion you must be feeling, but I admire your sacrifice. I’m only going to have one because I am not a good enough mother to have a second. But I don’t know like to think about what could happen to my daughter once I go (hopefully at 100 years, but still). Just wanted to say - hang in there, you are more than enough for both of your babies and they will thank you one day!, This newborn can be the best thing that ever happened. My second born was not on purpose because I was on birth control and still got pregnant. Now my autistic oldest is almost 12 and his younger brother is 10. The youngest is the only one who really knows how to play with his brother. And what a gift that is for my oldest. Remember, they’re only little once. Don’t spend these years worrying. Embrace them, love them for who they are. Don’t stress about getting him into therapy.. ABA might not even be that helpful to you. I swear my oldest has learned everything from me and I wasted years trying all the therapies from therapists with worse family situations than me. Keep loving your husband. This is temporary. You’re gonna still love your journey., I did the same I got pregnant 18months after getting my son diagnosed with autism. Having him a sister/brother actually helps with social skills, play and development. Exposure to the world if safe helps. Good luck it's going to be okay. My now 7 and 6 yo children are good friends and have their own conversations. Everything happens for a reason., My son had a great contact he is 4 and half years old. Up to 13 months he spoke 10-15 words then he lost the speech 13-36 months. I stopped screen time at 4 years old for 3 months and started speech therapy and joined in iep special education Fulltime now he is forming sentences and use words a lot still have issues with social but I am happy don’t be worried they are lot of people here with same issues. My son is also born in covid 2019-201 was really hard for us, My daughter and son has 2 and half years difference . 2 year daughter goes to play with 4 years old who does not like at all., Us too. For us, he turned one and two during Covid, and while I made some honest attempts to look into it and get him help during those first years, I was only met with false reassurance., Same here., Yes, in reflecting on your comment, my youngest helped my oldest (autistic) accelerate in terms of communication. Definitely a benefit of having two kiddos who can create their own bond and model each other! (Sometimes not a benefit but overall, mostly good!), Yes! Same thing happened, our kids are 19 months apart, Have you tried clonidine before bed? My daughter is the same- terrible terible sleep and melatonin backfires and she has never slept longer than 6 hours… we have her on a very low dose of liquid prozac and we crush up a tablet of clonidine and mix it with water before bed and my baby girl is calm!!!!! She is CALM at bedtime. I hate to promote medications because they work different for every child. But this one is working for us!!!! She seems legitimately happier during the day lately too. Im so very sorry for your loss. Your kids are so so lucky to have you., I’m so sorry for your loss. I am glad you have support. Your children are lucky to have such a committed remaining parent., Yes, same. I am talking to my newborn constantly since that is all I am doing with my first to encourage speech and the three of us are always together on the floor or reading a book, Yes!!! Call the therapy place and say you just need a little breather to adjust with the new baby. I did that with mine and that lowered my personal stress a lot. Theres TONS of stuff to do at home with ASD kids that is the same as going to therapy. You can only do what you can!!! Babies are happier around happy moms. Fact. Lol, Hi there, just a bit off the topic, but what is his level now? How is his speech? I understand the siblings will be taking care of him, what is his social level, does he have work? Great family though! Must be lucky to be surrounded like this, Yes my son is level 3 so it wasn’t subtle. He needs significant support which is hard to give him with a newborn. We are struggling. My pediatrician mentioned the songs are more subtle with lower support needs, Yes, just wish there were was more awareness about not pointing by 1 being a marker and things like that instead of oh boys are just slower to develop and shy like his pediatrician originally said. No he has severe autism, that’s why he doesn’t point. He seems social but only when you’re animated to entertain him., Thank you. I think I just needed to vent, I feel a bit better now but holy. My husband is getting a vasectomy next week. I love my two boys more than anything., My next son is most likely ASD based on genetic tests. We are worried what will happen to them when we pass. We are doing everything we can though to try and set them up financially after we’re gone, We got the false reassurance too because my son made great eye contact etc, Yes false reassurance , I’m also kicking myself since we have no family and we knew even one child would be hard but once he started being such a joy at 6 months we were like omgosh yes let’s have another at a year. Got pregnant right away, and that was that. If it had of taken us a year to get pregnant like it did my first we would have been fine since we would have probably known something was up by then. It’s just all so backwards, Me three! 👋, Same for my son and daughter, they helped each other so much!, When you get too tired of talking and reading “vooks” on youtube is your BEST friend. Its just a bunch of short kid stories and they are very entertaining and well done. My five year old is an incredibly proficient reader and its seriously from storytime vooks on freaking youtube 😂😂😂, He was diagnosed under the old dsm so on paper he has classical autism, but he is solidly a level 3, and has always been. He is non-verbal, no functional language at all. Not potty trained and he has a profound intellectual disability. He does not, and can not work. As for social level, I am not sure what that means but he is incredibly affectionate on his own terms and enjoys interacting with people. He is a total love. My kids are absolutely the best and I am the luckiest mom to have all of them., Look into respite. Baby wear. Have you and your husband each take a kid for 1/2 day on the weekends and do something. Then switch the next weekend. Are you breastfeeding? Supplement if you need to for your mental health. Hang in there. Find a support group. Is your son in public school or ABA? Put him in both if you can. It WILL get easier but it’s really really fucking hard for a while., I am pregnant now and my son, 16 months, is on a waitlist for autism evaluation. When we started trying for our second we were hoping he may just be mildly affected but it appears more likely that he will have greater needs. We decided to stop trying but by that point I was already pregnant. I am scared, but I also hope that a positive sibling relationship will eventually develop. I also know I would regret never having tried for a second, although the age gap they will have (around two years) is not ideal in terms of caring for both. I am going to have to rely on family and friends more and not put as much pressure on myself to do everything., You definitely don't have to share but im curious what kind of genetic testing can tell you this about future kids? Was it something found in your son and you or your partner?, Yes. He was a great babbler and made intense eye contact. My whole family tree and all the docs thought I was crazy., I can relate so much to going through all these what ifs in my head. It's hard., Fourth here, Understood.. thanks for sharing, and give him a big hug. Kids are always a blessing., what was his signs as a toddler? my daughter is autistic but we don’t know what level she is, sending you all best wishes x, So he’s in public daycare because in Canada In my province there is a 6 year wait for any funding or services. We have a program called all kids belong that checks in once in a while at daycare but there has been nothing much to come out of that, basically they just try and make the daycare understand so he doesn’t get kicked out, Just fyi a lot can happen in 2 years My son at 2 years old was non-verbal and head banging. Skip to today at the age of 4 and he is communicating and the self-injury has stopped. He does have other issues like meltdowns over small things. I don’t have other kids but now I wish I did as I believe the consistent interaction could teach him so much about interpersonal relationships. But I know my limits and if I gave another ASD kid I may end up having a nervous breakdown., Fragile x. chD8 were the conclusive ones, just in me. My brother just had a kid too same time as me and they are also on spectrum but it’s just not as obvious because they pointed and language recessed, so hopefully the language comes back., Yep. Level 3 kiddo over here too, so many people said oh it must be really mild if so. He does no gestures and has 15 words that are gone now, have tantrums and will only eat dry crunchy foods, no it’s not mild…, fifth, It’s so hard living with not knowing what the future can bring. It is encouraging that your son has made such huge progress. My son is making small gains, and I hope over time this will turn into more noticeable progress. I also am not sure how I will cope if the child I am pregnant with now ends up with significant delays or autism, but I’m going to have to figure it out. Therapy is helping me, at least a tiny bit., Please don't beat yourself up about it, the exact same thing happened to me., My youngest son is so good for my oldest son. I was in denial about autism. But developmentally they play well together and my oldest (the one with autism) is encouraged by my youngest. I just wanted to give you a bit of hope. It really does get better. It still has it's hard moments, especially now that my 4 year old seems that my 6 year old is not like him. Him realizing this has been painful. You're not selfish though. Have some grace with yourself., Not really any advice here, but my wife passed away few years ago when my daughter was six months old and my son was 3 years old. My daughter is LVL3 Non verbal - I am lucky that I have my parents help otherwise it would be soo hard. I've had to quit jobs because I could not handle dealing with her sleepless nights. I used to move her around stroller in the house in middle of night for hours, months on end. Maybe year even. Her sleep has gotten better, but still it's brutal!!, I was right there with you a few months ago. My 2 boys are 2 years apart, almost to the day. I felt so guilty for so long after my second was born. My first was only flagged for Autism 3 months before his brother arrived. They are now 2y 8m and 8 months old. It's getting easier. I do a lot of therapy at home as well, and now that the 8 month old is sitting and more alert, I try and involve him in all the things we do. It doesn't always work out, but it's definitely getting easier., Adding a second child to the mix does indeed make the dynamic more challenging, disability or not. Learning how to manage 2 kids each with their own set of needs is definitely challenging. But there will be benefits to your child having a sibling. My son, who has autism, is my 5th child. Having so many kids influenced the decisions I made for my son and honestly it was for the better. I had my 6th child when he was 14 months old. Since my son was so delayed it felt like having twins for a while, until my daughter passed him up developmentally. I did everything with 2 babies in my arms or in the baby carriers. Having siblings has helped my son tremendously. Now that everyone is grown, they willingly hang out with him when I need some respite. They are also planning on taking over for me when I am too old to care for him and when i inevitably pass away. It brings me comfort that he won't be alone in this world. If you have too many appointments, see if you can trim it down. I had my son do ot/speech at the same session, for example. Sometimes they are willing and able to co-treat. Are you able to get in-home therapies for him? Have them come to you? Once he started full day pre-k, I actually stopped his outpatient therapy because he was getting those therapies at school and I was able to continue working on the goals at home. It was much easier to not have to bring everyone to an outpatient appointment. If you can't trim appointments down, see if you can have someone accompany you...or if you can change the time so that your husband can attend and help out. If it is truly too much for you right now, then take a break from the appointments. Your mental state takes precedence. Your son sounds pretty young and I know you feel like you have to do this but the reality is that he will be ok if you just simply take a break for a little while. It is far more important that his primary caregiver not feel overwhelmed and stressed out., My spouse felt the same way. Our ASD child is the youngest of 3, with a 6yr gap. Our ASD child is mid-lvl functioning non verbal, and ADHD. For a while she felt like a “unfit mother” because most of her attention was focused on our ASD child. But as they started their therapies it has smoothed out a bit. They require less attention, they interact socially with their siblings. Patience and self care. I feel as parents who want the best for their children (neurotypical or otherwise), we often get lost in being parents we forget that we have our needs. It’s great to have a partner that not only is willing to help but who can also provide you with mental support as this journey is lifelong., I didn't know my daughter was autistic until she was 8. She did point and clap within range, and all she had was a speech delay at your child’s age. The signs can be really subtle. It only became apparent to me as she grew older and her social prowess floundered. She can't hold a conversation most of the time about anything if it doesn't follow the script of pleasantries we humans tend to use. Give yourself some grace. You can't predict everything. Show your two kids how much you love them and advocate for your kiddos., you can't change the past. so it's not worth the energy to wish "what if?". all you can do is focus on the now and the future. you're doing your best and that's amazing. sounds like you're doing a great job, you and your husband are a great team and a terrific family., What if your younger one drags your other one along socially, in a good way. Someone to mimic etc. That’s what’s happening for us. Try and stay positive., I got pregnant when my son was 11 months old and he went on to be diagnosed with autism. You’re not alone. You can do this and I am rooting for you., If it helps, I’m an autistic child with two younger autistic siblings. It’s genetic in our family, my mum is actually an identical twin and both her and my aunt have autism. Our only two cousins also have autism. It can be hard I’ve heard. I don’t think my mum is selfish for having my siblings when she had me, im also a bit older and when I was taken to the doctor as a kid, the doctor said girls can’t have autism and said I just had social anxiety. This was before the DSM5. I know my parents did their best, it was hard for me with my siblings getting most of the attention, and I still wish I had more help as a kid, but then again my parents didn’t even know I was autistic at the time because of what that doctor said. I was diagnosed a couple years ago and my parents say they feel selfish too because they didn’t know and “it was obvious”. But it’s ok. Parents are just doing their best. I’m half asleep and have level 2 autism so I’m sorry if this isn’t good writing and is all over the place. I hope it helps regardless though., Same thing happened to me too! Autistic babies can be really “easy” babies. I know mine was! We were super excited to have another kid. We spaced our next pregnancy so they’d be 2.5 years apart. It was right after I got pregnant (when he was just turning two) that it really sunk in that he wasn’t learning to talk and he was starting to have scary meltdowns. It was a lot to have a newborn and go through those years. Then my copper IUD failed and we had a third kid only 18 months after the second! He is also on the spectrum, diagnosed at 2 years old also. But now that it’s the second time around, I’m not as stressed and worried about his development as I was with my first. Anyways sorry for rambling but I totally understand where you’re coming from! Feeling overwhelmed and like you’re cheating one of yours kids somehow. I’m sure you’re a great mom! And even though it’s hard for me right now, my boys adore each other and my autistic boys have their best friends built in… this is something that comforts me when I worry about my kindergartner making friends. He already has his people who love, admire and adore him … his little bros!, This same thing happened to me, it’s hard. But it’s been years and years later, we found a way to make it work. And my sons are the best of friends, they’re super close. It gets better., We just went through this so my heart goes out to you 💟 mine is 4 and his baby brother is 2 months I felt bad I had to leave him to attend to the baby and he would get upset but now that he's a little older he like to help. He brings bottles and blankets and wants to hold him. Feeling guilty is normal I think, I'm not an expert but I felt with it and it definitely is hard at times but we can only do what we are capable of and your baby will know you still love them. It may be hard at times but take these words to heart. You are an amazing mama and you love your child unconditionally., Aww it is a lot at first, isn’t it? My daughter is nearly 3 and we just reached the end of our diagnostic journey which means- finally- a lot fewer appointments. It was music to my ears when the developmental pediatrician said she didn’t need to see us for another year… and then we got cleaned by neuro too.. so no more appointments with them. Another specialist she sees for a non-ASD related condition doesn’t want to see her for 4 months instead of 3. Edited to add my point.. is that I feel like the appointment stuff is getting much easier and less obtrusive now., The most a parent can do for their child is give their absolute best, you are doing that. There's nothing to feel bad about. Parenting is hard, regardless of your kids being ND or NT. You and your husband are doing great., That sounds very hard! You are doing a great job! Please don’t blame yourself. I just wanted to second the comment about progress. A lot can change from age 2. I’m not saying it definitely will but our kiddo was diagnosed level 3 and head banging against the wall/window, meltdowns, speech delay at 2 years old and is now low needs autistic (haven’t got a new level but that’s probably where she is) at three and a bit. I think she’ll probably have issues again socially when she’s older because of following scripts but she’s doing so well right now., Hey fellow Ontarioian! It’s okay, it’s not your fault. A YouTuber I watch who is a OBGYN often says “we do the best we can with the information we have” often adding that if we knew differently we would have acted differently but when you don’t know you can’t be blamed. Also, there are many parents who know and understand your struggles with having more than one child and one of them being special needs… you’re definitely not alone there., Happened to me , not going to lie, newborn-1.5 was awwwwwwwweful. But it’s gotten better and they’re besties now. Just know there is light at the end of the tunnel, I have 3 kids in short succession and first two were diagnosed so I had absolutely no idea or clue. Not your fault., We waited 5 years to have another kid and I wish we would have had another kid much sooner. Your child will be forced out of their comfort zone because of your newborn. It will be tough at first but in the long run it will help your son grow and become more adaptable. Hang in there, you’re doing a great job, Same thing by the time it was flagged up by my family at 2.5 years the second baby had just been born. I feel terrible about bringing the 11 month old to speech and OT. If it was at his naptime I would leave him with hubs who wfh., Celebrate the small victories because you win conquer, Yo! This happens will all kids of all diversities and quantities. My daughter has dance class that takes away from time I can have my son do things. Fundamentally it sucks to want to be 2 places at one time. You'll get the hang of it!, Yep. Same thing happened to my wife and I. Don’t beat yourself up. Know it will be hard for awhile. Do the best you can. Again, don’t beat yourself up. Be glad your kids will eventually be old enough to appreciate having a sibling., You have brought two beautiful humans into this world who you are trying to find a balance for, and to care for and support. That’s more than many parents do for their children. I’m sorry you are feeling this way. It can be a long journey. I have an older autistic child and younger child, I also feel guilt sometimes for creating a scenario where my youngest may need to choose to care for or not care for a sibling. That’s rough on anyone., You’re doing great! No, you may not have planned on having an autistic child, but you got one. Now you may have a caretaker for him. My daughter is almost 40 with a 3 year old autistic girl. How do you chance another one? What happens when we die? She’ll be just getting thru high school when my daughter retires. What will happen to my 30 year old granddaughter when she has no siblings and her parents are gone? Being an only child is lonely. Having a built in playmate is great! This will be your normal. Chin up, keep in motion!🤗🤗🤗, I'm also in ontario and was in a similar situation. It was so hard when my kids were little. They're 3.5 and 5.5 now, both autistic, and life is so much easier. Those newborn days were hell. It can get better. I'm so happy and grateful to have a second child. He's so wonderful and they both benefit a lot from having a sibling., I was pregnant again 5 weeks after my son was born (I know, I know!). My daughter is 10.5 months younger than her brother who is now 10 and autistic. Honestly, it will get better. You and your husband stick together though, because the next few years are going to be HARD. But it does improve. Arrange a schedule for others to get to know your children, make a village and then use that village as respite and allow you and your husband to date, too. Find groups. This is important too, especially for your mental health. Find a hobby, something that can allow you to be yourself for an evening a week. And if you ever get overwhelmed and you need to vent, you can DM me and I will understand how it is., I could have written this myself 5 years ago. I felt all of the exact same things you are feeling. My older two kids are autistic. My oldest, my daughter, it wasn’t obvious because she pointed and spoke and whatnot on time, it didn’t become more apparent that she was autistic until around kindergarten. At that point it was becoming very clear that my 2.5 year old son was also autistic- he had a severe speech/gesture delay but his stupid pediatrician kept brushing it off and saying he wasn’t concerned because of his eye contact and some other things. So as I was finding out that my older two were both autistic at the same time, I had a newborn. It was so brutal- I was so overwhelmed and guilty and depressed. Food lost its flavor. I couldn’t do anything other than obsessively look up stuff about autistic kids and therapies in an attempt to fix/make up for lost time. I got treatment for PPD and the medication helped SO much. It kept me from going into spirals of despair. I was able to enjoy the good moments with my kids rather than only fixating on the bad. And trust me- there will be MANY good moments! You don’t want to miss them because you’re busy beating yourself up. My kids are 9, 7 and 5 now- my oldest still has some behavior and social issues but is doing pretty well in school and is happy and has many interests. My youngest child is neurotypical and has some mild delays like speech but is also doing very well. My middle child has the most struggles, but he progresses and we are working on getting better school accommodations. All of my kids are a delight and they bring us a lot of joy. I wish the best for you and hope you can seek treatment and climb out of the hole you’re in., My little one has ASD, my cousins son (9) has diabetes 1, my other cousin's son has Duchenne musculae dystrophy... Why am I saying this? There is no selfishness or bad or right timing, kids are blessing no matter what. Your older one is just 1 ! We always assume and make some plans but fail to have the pleasure at the moment. I am sure things will all play out well, just spend the time together, share and vent here. We are all in more or less same situation. If you ask me if I would have reversed the time and avoid having my little one? NEVER, his little smile is worth of everything, I have dreams that we are having conversations and I am looking forwards for this to happen. We human beings are remarkable, adaptable, I am sure you will fins your way. Just hug both of them, Therapist and mom speaking here: Please don't feel guilty. We do the best we can with what we have. Every situation is an opportunity for learning and growth for our children. I've seen children thrive in some pretty grim situations. Being an only child or a child more fully spaced does not guarantee a better life or education. I've see children struggle with wealth, and opportunities. What is most important is that you and children are calm and as regulated as possible. That you love each other and are patient with each other. Little good comes from panic, anxiety, guilt, depression, stress, and/or anger. A lot of good comes from processing your feelings outloud if they see you doing it successfully. "Wow, I was a little worried we'd be late, but guess what? I took a big breath, blew it out and realized it's OK to be late sometimes." Little 1 will learn to be more flexible from having a sibling with the needs all babies have. He will learn to wait even if it's hard or takes time to learn. This is soooo important. Many a child with disabilities has a harder life because parents feel guilty and don't work to develop basic coping skills in their children. He can learn to wait when you say, "I'll hold your hand while you wait for me to finish nursing your sibling" or "I'll watch you play while I rock the baby" .... Baby came second and won't know any different. We go to the therapy room twice a week and read/play while brother does something away from us. Or we join in play with brother and the therapist - how cool. I know many people on this site have children with profound disabilities and this makes things infinitely harder but in the end we find a way. Ask friends and family for support. Lean on those who offer help. Give up having a super tidy home, perfect meals, etc.. Find a way to do this without destroying yourself. It's a long haul and the guilt will crush you. Hang in there mama you got this!, I don’t know if this helps at all, but it is so positive that your autistic child will always have someone to advocate for them, long after you’re gone. I know that doesn’t help with the enormous stress and exhaustion you must be feeling, but I admire your sacrifice. I’m only going to have one because I am not a good enough mother to have a second. But I don’t know like to think about what could happen to my daughter once I go (hopefully at 100 years, but still). Just wanted to say - hang in there, you are more than enough for both of your babies and they will thank you one day!, This newborn can be the best thing that ever happened. My second born was not on purpose because I was on birth control and still got pregnant. Now my autistic oldest is almost 12 and his younger brother is 10. The youngest is the only one who really knows how to play with his brother. And what a gift that is for my oldest. Remember, they’re only little once. Don’t spend these years worrying. Embrace them, love them for who they are. Don’t stress about getting him into therapy.. ABA might not even be that helpful to you. I swear my oldest has learned everything from me and I wasted years trying all the therapies from therapists with worse family situations than me. Keep loving your husband. This is temporary. You’re gonna still love your journey., I did the same I got pregnant 18months after getting my son diagnosed with autism. Having him a sister/brother actually helps with social skills, play and development. Exposure to the world if safe helps. Good luck it's going to be okay. My now 7 and 6 yo children are good friends and have their own conversations. Everything happens for a reason., My son had a great contact he is 4 and half years old. Up to 13 months he spoke 10-15 words then he lost the speech 13-36 months. I stopped screen time at 4 years old for 3 months and started speech therapy and joined in iep special education Fulltime now he is forming sentences and use words a lot still have issues with social but I am happy don’t be worried they are lot of people here with same issues. My son is also born in covid 2019-201 was really hard for us, My daughter and son has 2 and half years difference . 2 year daughter goes to play with 4 years old who does not like at all., Us too. For us, he turned one and two during Covid, and while I made some honest attempts to look into it and get him help during those first years, I was only met with false reassurance., Same here., Yes, in reflecting on your comment, my youngest helped my oldest (autistic) accelerate in terms of communication. Definitely a benefit of having two kiddos who can create their own bond and model each other! (Sometimes not a benefit but overall, mostly good!), Yes! Same thing happened, our kids are 19 months apart, Have you tried clonidine before bed? My daughter is the same- terrible terible sleep and melatonin backfires and she has never slept longer than 6 hours… we have her on a very low dose of liquid prozac and we crush up a tablet of clonidine and mix it with water before bed and my baby girl is calm!!!!! She is CALM at bedtime. I hate to promote medications because they work different for every child. But this one is working for us!!!! She seems legitimately happier during the day lately too. Im so very sorry for your loss. Your kids are so so lucky to have you., I’m so sorry for your loss. I am glad you have support. Your children are lucky to have such a committed remaining parent., Yes, same. I am talking to my newborn constantly since that is all I am doing with my first to encourage speech and the three of us are always together on the floor or reading a book, Yes!!! Call the therapy place and say you just need a little breather to adjust with the new baby. I did that with mine and that lowered my personal stress a lot. Theres TONS of stuff to do at home with ASD kids that is the same as going to therapy. You can only do what you can!!! Babies are happier around happy moms. Fact. Lol, Hi there, just a bit off the topic, but what is his level now? How is his speech? I understand the siblings will be taking care of him, what is his social level, does he have work? Great family though! Must be lucky to be surrounded like this, Yes my son is level 3 so it wasn’t subtle. He needs significant support which is hard to give him with a newborn. We are struggling. My pediatrician mentioned the songs are more subtle with lower support needs, Yes, just wish there were was more awareness about not pointing by 1 being a marker and things like that instead of oh boys are just slower to develop and shy like his pediatrician originally said. No he has severe autism, that’s why he doesn’t point. He seems social but only when you’re animated to entertain him., Thank you. I think I just needed to vent, I feel a bit better now but holy. My husband is getting a vasectomy next week. I love my two boys more than anything., My next son is most likely ASD based on genetic tests. We are worried what will happen to them when we pass. We are doing everything we can though to try and set them up financially after we’re gone, We got the false reassurance too because my son made great eye contact etc, Yes false reassurance , I’m also kicking myself since we have no family and we knew even one child would be hard but once he started being such a joy at 6 months we were like omgosh yes let’s have another at a year. Got pregnant right away, and that was that. If it had of taken us a year to get pregnant like it did my first we would have been fine since we would have probably known something was up by then. It’s just all so backwards, Me three! 👋, Same for my son and daughter, they helped each other so much!, When you get too tired of talking and reading “vooks” on youtube is your BEST friend. Its just a bunch of short kid stories and they are very entertaining and well done. My five year old is an incredibly proficient reader and its seriously from storytime vooks on freaking youtube 😂😂😂, He was diagnosed under the old dsm so on paper he has classical autism, but he is solidly a level 3, and has always been. He is non-verbal, no functional language at all. Not potty trained and he has a profound intellectual disability. He does not, and can not work. As for social level, I am not sure what that means but he is incredibly affectionate on his own terms and enjoys interacting with people. He is a total love. My kids are absolutely the best and I am the luckiest mom to have all of them., Look into respite. Baby wear. Have you and your husband each take a kid for 1/2 day on the weekends and do something. Then switch the next weekend. Are you breastfeeding? Supplement if you need to for your mental health. Hang in there. Find a support group. Is your son in public school or ABA? Put him in both if you can. It WILL get easier but it’s really really fucking hard for a while., I am pregnant now and my son, 16 months, is on a waitlist for autism evaluation. When we started trying for our second we were hoping he may just be mildly affected but it appears more likely that he will have greater needs. We decided to stop trying but by that point I was already pregnant. I am scared, but I also hope that a positive sibling relationship will eventually develop. I also know I would regret never having tried for a second, although the age gap they will have (around two years) is not ideal in terms of caring for both. I am going to have to rely on family and friends more and not put as much pressure on myself to do everything., You definitely don't have to share but im curious what kind of genetic testing can tell you this about future kids? Was it something found in your son and you or your partner?, Yes. He was a great babbler and made intense eye contact. My whole family tree and all the docs thought I was crazy., I can relate so much to going through all these what ifs in my head. It's hard., Fourth here, Understood.. thanks for sharing, and give him a big hug. Kids are always a blessing., what was his signs as a toddler? my daughter is autistic but we don’t know what level she is, sending you all best wishes x, So he’s in public daycare because in Canada In my province there is a 6 year wait for any funding or services. We have a program called all kids belong that checks in once in a while at daycare but there has been nothing much to come out of that, basically they just try and make the daycare understand so he doesn’t get kicked out, Just fyi a lot can happen in 2 years My son at 2 years old was non-verbal and head banging. Skip to today at the age of 4 and he is communicating and the self-injury has stopped. He does have other issues like meltdowns over small things. I don’t have other kids but now I wish I did as I believe the consistent interaction could teach him so much about interpersonal relationships. But I know my limits and if I gave another ASD kid I may end up having a nervous breakdown., Fragile x. chD8 were the conclusive ones, just in me. My brother just had a kid too same time as me and they are also on spectrum but it’s just not as obvious because they pointed and language recessed, so hopefully the language comes back., Yep. Level 3 kiddo over here too, so many people said oh it must be really mild if so. He does no gestures and has 15 words that are gone now, have tantrums and will only eat dry crunchy foods, no it’s not mild…, fifth, It’s so hard living with not knowing what the future can bring. It is encouraging that your son has made such huge progress. My son is making small gains, and I hope over time this will turn into more noticeable progress. I also am not sure how I will cope if the child I am pregnant with now ends up with significant delays or autism, but I’m going to have to figure it out. Therapy is helping me, at least a tiny bit., Please don't beat yourself up about it, the exact same thing happened to me., My youngest son is so good for my oldest son. I was in denial about autism. But developmentally they play well together and my oldest (the one with autism) is encouraged by my youngest. I just wanted to give you a bit of hope. It really does get better. It still has it's hard moments, especially now that my 4 year old seems that my 6 year old is not like him. Him realizing this has been painful. You're not selfish though. Have some grace with yourself., Not really any advice here, but my wife passed away few years ago when my daughter was six months old and my son was 3 years old. My daughter is LVL3 Non verbal - I am lucky that I have my parents help otherwise it would be soo hard. I've had to quit jobs because I could not handle dealing with her sleepless nights. I used to move her around stroller in the house in middle of night for hours, months on end. Maybe year even. Her sleep has gotten better, but still it's brutal!!, I was right there with you a few months ago. My 2 boys are 2 years apart, almost to the day. I felt so guilty for so long after my second was born. My first was only flagged for Autism 3 months before his brother arrived. They are now 2y 8m and 8 months old. It's getting easier. I do a lot of therapy at home as well, and now that the 8 month old is sitting and more alert, I try and involve him in all the things we do. It doesn't always work out, but it's definitely getting easier., Adding a second child to the mix does indeed make the dynamic more challenging, disability or not. Learning how to manage 2 kids each with their own set of needs is definitely challenging. But there will be benefits to your child having a sibling. My son, who has autism, is my 5th child. Having so many kids influenced the decisions I made for my son and honestly it was for the better. I had my 6th child when he was 14 months old. Since my son was so delayed it felt like having twins for a while, until my daughter passed him up developmentally. I did everything with 2 babies in my arms or in the baby carriers. Having siblings has helped my son tremendously. Now that everyone is grown, they willingly hang out with him when I need some respite. They are also planning on taking over for me when I am too old to care for him and when i inevitably pass away. It brings me comfort that he won't be alone in this world. If you have too many appointments, see if you can trim it down. I had my son do ot/speech at the same session, for example. Sometimes they are willing and able to co-treat. Are you able to get in-home therapies for him? Have them come to you? Once he started full day pre-k, I actually stopped his outpatient therapy because he was getting those therapies at school and I was able to continue working on the goals at home. It was much easier to not have to bring everyone to an outpatient appointment. If you can't trim appointments down, see if you can have someone accompany you...or if you can change the time so that your husband can attend and help out. If it is truly too much for you right now, then take a break from the appointments. Your mental state takes precedence. Your son sounds pretty young and I know you feel like you have to do this but the reality is that he will be ok if you just simply take a break for a little while. It is far more important that his primary caregiver not feel overwhelmed and stressed out., My spouse felt the same way. Our ASD child is the youngest of 3, with a 6yr gap. Our ASD child is mid-lvl functioning non verbal, and ADHD. For a while she felt like a “unfit mother” because most of her attention was focused on our ASD child. But as they started their therapies it has smoothed out a bit. They require less attention, they interact socially with their siblings. Patience and self care. I feel as parents who want the best for their children (neurotypical or otherwise), we often get lost in being parents we forget that we have our needs. It’s great to have a partner that not only is willing to help but who can also provide you with mental support as this journey is lifelong., I didn't know my daughter was autistic until she was 8. She did point and clap within range, and all she had was a speech delay at your child’s age. The signs can be really subtle. It only became apparent to me as she grew older and her social prowess floundered. She can't hold a conversation most of the time about anything if it doesn't follow the script of pleasantries we humans tend to use. Give yourself some grace. You can't predict everything. Show your two kids how much you love them and advocate for your kiddos., you can't change the past. so it's not worth the energy to wish "what if?". all you can do is focus on the now and the future. you're doing your best and that's amazing. sounds like you're doing a great job, you and your husband are a great team and a terrific family., What if your younger one drags your other one along socially, in a good way. Someone to mimic etc. That’s what’s happening for us. Try and stay positive., I got pregnant when my son was 11 months old and he went on to be diagnosed with autism. You’re not alone. You can do this and I am rooting for you., If it helps, I’m an autistic child with two younger autistic siblings. It’s genetic in our family, my mum is actually an identical twin and both her and my aunt have autism. Our only two cousins also have autism. It can be hard I’ve heard. I don’t think my mum is selfish for having my siblings when she had me, im also a bit older and when I was taken to the doctor as a kid, the doctor said girls can’t have autism and said I just had social anxiety. This was before the DSM5. I know my parents did their best, it was hard for me with my siblings getting most of the attention, and I still wish I had more help as a kid, but then again my parents didn’t even know I was autistic at the time because of what that doctor said. I was diagnosed a couple years ago and my parents say they feel selfish too because they didn’t know and “it was obvious”. But it’s ok. Parents are just doing their best. I’m half asleep and have level 2 autism so I’m sorry if this isn’t good writing and is all over the place. I hope it helps regardless though., Same thing happened to me too! Autistic babies can be really “easy” babies. I know mine was! We were super excited to have another kid. We spaced our next pregnancy so they’d be 2.5 years apart. It was right after I got pregnant (when he was just turning two) that it really sunk in that he wasn’t learning to talk and he was starting to have scary meltdowns. It was a lot to have a newborn and go through those years. Then my copper IUD failed and we had a third kid only 18 months after the second! He is also on the spectrum, diagnosed at 2 years old also. But now that it’s the second time around, I’m not as stressed and worried about his development as I was with my first. Anyways sorry for rambling but I totally understand where you’re coming from! Feeling overwhelmed and like you’re cheating one of yours kids somehow. I’m sure you’re a great mom! And even though it’s hard for me right now, my boys adore each other and my autistic boys have their best friends built in… this is something that comforts me when I worry about my kindergartner making friends. He already has his people who love, admire and adore him … his little bros!, This same thing happened to me, it’s hard. But it’s been years and years later, we found a way to make it work. And my sons are the best of friends, they’re super close. It gets better., We just went through this so my heart goes out to you 💟 mine is 4 and his baby brother is 2 months I felt bad I had to leave him to attend to the baby and he would get upset but now that he's a little older he like to help. He brings bottles and blankets and wants to hold him. Feeling guilty is normal I think, I'm not an expert but I felt with it and it definitely is hard at times but we can only do what we are capable of and your baby will know you still love them. It may be hard at times but take these words to heart. You are an amazing mama and you love your child unconditionally., Aww it is a lot at first, isn’t it? My daughter is nearly 3 and we just reached the end of our diagnostic journey which means- finally- a lot fewer appointments. It was music to my ears when the developmental pediatrician said she didn’t need to see us for another year… and then we got cleaned by neuro too.. so no more appointments with them. Another specialist she sees for a non-ASD related condition doesn’t want to see her for 4 months instead of 3. Edited to add my point.. is that I feel like the appointment stuff is getting much easier and less obtrusive now., The most a parent can do for their child is give their absolute best, you are doing that. There's nothing to feel bad about. Parenting is hard, regardless of your kids being ND or NT. You and your husband are doing great., That sounds very hard! You are doing a great job! Please don’t blame yourself. I just wanted to second the comment about progress. A lot can change from age 2. I’m not saying it definitely will but our kiddo was diagnosed level 3 and head banging against the wall/window, meltdowns, speech delay at 2 years old and is now low needs autistic (haven’t got a new level but that’s probably where she is) at three and a bit. I think she’ll probably have issues again socially when she’s older because of following scripts but she’s doing so well right now., Hey fellow Ontarioian! It’s okay, it’s not your fault. A YouTuber I watch who is a OBGYN often says “we do the best we can with the information we have” often adding that if we knew differently we would have acted differently but when you don’t know you can’t be blamed. Also, there are many parents who know and understand your struggles with having more than one child and one of them being special needs… you’re definitely not alone there., Happened to me , not going to lie, newborn-1.5 was awwwwwwwweful. But it’s gotten better and they’re besties now. Just know there is light at the end of the tunnel, I have 3 kids in short succession and first two were diagnosed so I had absolutely no idea or clue. Not your fault., We waited 5 years to have another kid and I wish we would have had another kid much sooner. Your child will be forced out of their comfort zone because of your newborn. It will be tough at first but in the long run it will help your son grow and become more adaptable. Hang in there, you’re doing a great job, Same thing by the time it was flagged up by my family at 2.5 years the second baby had just been born. I feel terrible about bringing the 11 month old to speech and OT. If it was at his naptime I would leave him with hubs who wfh., Celebrate the small victories because you win conquer, Yo! This happens will all kids of all diversities and quantities. My daughter has dance class that takes away from time I can have my son do things. Fundamentally it sucks to want to be 2 places at one time. You'll get the hang of it!, Yep. Same thing happened to my wife and I. Don’t beat yourself up. Know it will be hard for awhile. Do the best you can. Again, don’t beat yourself up. Be glad your kids will eventually be old enough to appreciate having a sibling., You have brought two beautiful humans into this world who you are trying to find a balance for, and to care for and support. That’s more than many parents do for their children. I’m sorry you are feeling this way. It can be a long journey. I have an older autistic child and younger child, I also feel guilt sometimes for creating a scenario where my youngest may need to choose to care for or not care for a sibling. That’s rough on anyone., You’re doing great! No, you may not have planned on having an autistic child, but you got one. Now you may have a caretaker for him. My daughter is almost 40 with a 3 year old autistic girl. How do you chance another one? What happens when we die? She’ll be just getting thru high school when my daughter retires. What will happen to my 30 year old granddaughter when she has no siblings and her parents are gone? Being an only child is lonely. Having a built in playmate is great! This will be your normal. Chin up, keep in motion!🤗🤗🤗, I'm also in ontario and was in a similar situation. It was so hard when my kids were little. They're 3.5 and 5.5 now, both autistic, and life is so much easier. Those newborn days were hell. It can get better. I'm so happy and grateful to have a second child. He's so wonderful and they both benefit a lot from having a sibling., I was pregnant again 5 weeks after my son was born (I know, I know!). My daughter is 10.5 months younger than her brother who is now 10 and autistic. Honestly, it will get better. You and your husband stick together though, because the next few years are going to be HARD. But it does improve. Arrange a schedule for others to get to know your children, make a village and then use that village as respite and allow you and your husband to date, too. Find groups. This is important too, especially for your mental health. Find a hobby, something that can allow you to be yourself for an evening a week. And if you ever get overwhelmed and you need to vent, you can DM me and I will understand how it is., I could have written this myself 5 years ago. I felt all of the exact same things you are feeling. My older two kids are autistic. My oldest, my daughter, it wasn’t obvious because she pointed and spoke and whatnot on time, it didn’t become more apparent that she was autistic until around kindergarten. At that point it was becoming very clear that my 2.5 year old son was also autistic- he had a severe speech/gesture delay but his stupid pediatrician kept brushing it off and saying he wasn’t concerned because of his eye contact and some other things. So as I was finding out that my older two were both autistic at the same time, I had a newborn. It was so brutal- I was so overwhelmed and guilty and depressed. Food lost its flavor. I couldn’t do anything other than obsessively look up stuff about autistic kids and therapies in an attempt to fix/make up for lost time. I got treatment for PPD and the medication helped SO much. It kept me from going into spirals of despair. I was able to enjoy the good moments with my kids rather than only fixating on the bad. And trust me- there will be MANY good moments! You don’t want to miss them because you’re busy beating yourself up. My kids are 9, 7 and 5 now- my oldest still has some behavior and social issues but is doing pretty well in school and is happy and has many interests. My youngest child is neurotypical and has some mild delays like speech but is also doing very well. My middle child has the most struggles, but he progresses and we are working on getting better school accommodations. All of my kids are a delight and they bring us a lot of joy. I wish the best for you and hope you can seek treatment and climb out of the hole you’re in., My little one has ASD, my cousins son (9) has diabetes 1, my other cousin's son has Duchenne musculae dystrophy... Why am I saying this? There is no selfishness or bad or right timing, kids are blessing no matter what. Your older one is just 1 ! We always assume and make some plans but fail to have the pleasure at the moment. I am sure things will all play out well, just spend the time together, share and vent here. We are all in more or less same situation. If you ask me if I would have reversed the time and avoid having my little one? NEVER, his little smile is worth of everything, I have dreams that we are having conversations and I am looking forwards for this to happen. We human beings are remarkable, adaptable, I am sure you will fins your way. Just hug both of them, Therapist and mom speaking here: Please don't feel guilty. We do the best we can with what we have. Every situation is an opportunity for learning and growth for our children. I've seen children thrive in some pretty grim situations. Being an only child or a child more fully spaced does not guarantee a better life or education. I've see children struggle with wealth, and opportunities. What is most important is that you and children are calm and as regulated as possible. That you love each other and are patient with each other. Little good comes from panic, anxiety, guilt, depression, stress, and/or anger. A lot of good comes from processing your feelings outloud if they see you doing it successfully. "Wow, I was a little worried we'd be late, but guess what? I took a big breath, blew it out and realized it's OK to be late sometimes." Little 1 will learn to be more flexible from having a sibling with the needs all babies have. He will learn to wait even if it's hard or takes time to learn. This is soooo important. Many a child with disabilities has a harder life because parents feel guilty and don't work to develop basic coping skills in their children. He can learn to wait when you say, "I'll hold your hand while you wait for me to finish nursing your sibling" or "I'll watch you play while I rock the baby" .... Baby came second and won't know any different. We go to the therapy room twice a week and read/play while brother does something away from us. Or we join in play with brother and the therapist - how cool. I know many people on this site have children with profound disabilities and this makes things infinitely harder but in the end we find a way. Ask friends and family for support. Lean on those who offer help. Give up having a super tidy home, perfect meals, etc.. Find a way to do this without destroying yourself. It's a long haul and the guilt will crush you. Hang in there mama you got this!, I don’t know if this helps at all, but it is so positive that your autistic child will always have someone to advocate for them, long after you’re gone. I know that doesn’t help with the enormous stress and exhaustion you must be feeling, but I admire your sacrifice. I’m only going to have one because I am not a good enough mother to have a second. But I don’t know like to think about what could happen to my daughter once I go (hopefully at 100 years, but still). Just wanted to say - hang in there, you are more than enough for both of your babies and they will thank you one day!, This newborn can be the best thing that ever happened. My second born was not on purpose because I was on birth control and still got pregnant. Now my autistic oldest is almost 12 and his younger brother is 10. The youngest is the only one who really knows how to play with his brother. And what a gift that is for my oldest. Remember, they’re only little once. Don’t spend these years worrying. Embrace them, love them for who they are. Don’t stress about getting him into therapy.. ABA might not even be that helpful to you. I swear my oldest has learned everything from me and I wasted years trying all the therapies from therapists with worse family situations than me. Keep loving your husband. This is temporary. You’re gonna still love your journey., I did the same I got pregnant 18months after getting my son diagnosed with autism. Having him a sister/brother actually helps with social skills, play and development. Exposure to the world if safe helps. Good luck it's going to be okay. My now 7 and 6 yo children are good friends and have their own conversations. Everything happens for a reason., My son had a great contact he is 4 and half years old. Up to 13 months he spoke 10-15 words then he lost the speech 13-36 months. I stopped screen time at 4 years old for 3 months and started speech therapy and joined in iep special education Fulltime now he is forming sentences and use words a lot still have issues with social but I am happy don’t be worried they are lot of people here with same issues. My son is also born in covid 2019-201 was really hard for us, My daughter and son has 2 and half years difference . 2 year daughter goes to play with 4 years old who does not like at all., Us too. For us, he turned one and two during Covid, and while I made some honest attempts to look into it and get him help during those first years, I was only met with false reassurance., Same here., Yes, in reflecting on your comment, my youngest helped my oldest (autistic) accelerate in terms of communication. Definitely a benefit of having two kiddos who can create their own bond and model each other! (Sometimes not a benefit but overall, mostly good!), Yes! Same thing happened, our kids are 19 months apart, Have you tried clonidine before bed? My daughter is the same- terrible terible sleep and melatonin backfires and she has never slept longer than 6 hours… we have her on a very low dose of liquid prozac and we crush up a tablet of clonidine and mix it with water before bed and my baby girl is calm!!!!! She is CALM at bedtime. I hate to promote medications because they work different for every child. But this one is working for us!!!! She seems legitimately happier during the day lately too. Im so very sorry for your loss. Your kids are so so lucky to have you., I’m so sorry for your loss. I am glad you have support. Your children are lucky to have such a committed remaining parent., Yes, same. I am talking to my newborn constantly since that is all I am doing with my first to encourage speech and the three of us are always together on the floor or reading a book, Yes!!! Call the therapy place and say you just need a little breather to adjust with the new baby. I did that with mine and that lowered my personal stress a lot. Theres TONS of stuff to do at home with ASD kids that is the same as going to therapy. You can only do what you can!!! Babies are happier around happy moms. Fact. Lol, Hi there, just a bit off the topic, but what is his level now? How is his speech? I understand the siblings will be taking care of him, what is his social level, does he have work? Great family though! Must be lucky to be surrounded like this, Yes my son is level 3 so it wasn’t subtle. He needs significant support which is hard to give him with a newborn. We are struggling. My pediatrician mentioned the songs are more subtle with lower support needs, Yes, just wish there were was more awareness about not pointing by 1 being a marker and things like that instead of oh boys are just slower to develop and shy like his pediatrician originally said. No he has severe autism, that’s why he doesn’t point. He seems social but only when you’re animated to entertain him., Thank you. I think I just needed to vent, I feel a bit better now but holy. My husband is getting a vasectomy next week. I love my two boys more than anything., My next son is most likely ASD based on genetic tests. We are worried what will happen to them when we pass. We are doing everything we can though to try and set them up financially after we’re gone, We got the false reassurance too because my son made great eye contact etc, Yes false reassurance , I’m also kicking myself since we have no family and we knew even one child would be hard but once he started being such a joy at 6 months we were like omgosh yes let’s have another at a year. Got pregnant right away, and that was that. If it had of taken us a year to get pregnant like it did my first we would have been fine since we would have probably known something was up by then. It’s just all so backwards, Me three! 👋, Same for my son and daughter, they helped each other so much!, When you get too tired of talking and reading “vooks” on youtube is your BEST friend. Its just a bunch of short kid stories and they are very entertaining and well done. My five year old is an incredibly proficient reader and its seriously from storytime vooks on freaking youtube 😂😂😂, He was diagnosed under the old dsm so on paper he has classical autism, but he is solidly a level 3, and has always been. He is non-verbal, no functional language at all. Not potty trained and he has a profound intellectual disability. He does not, and can not work. As for social level, I am not sure what that means but he is incredibly affectionate on his own terms and enjoys interacting with people. He is a total love. My kids are absolutely the best and I am the luckiest mom to have all of them., Look into respite. Baby wear. Have you and your husband each take a kid for 1/2 day on the weekends and do something. Then switch the next weekend. Are you breastfeeding? Supplement if you need to for your mental health. Hang in there. Find a support group. Is your son in public school or ABA? Put him in both if you can. It WILL get easier but it’s really really fucking hard for a while., I am pregnant now and my son, 16 months, is on a waitlist for autism evaluation. When we started trying for our second we were hoping he may just be mildly affected but it appears more likely that he will have greater needs. We decided to stop trying but by that point I was already pregnant. I am scared, but I also hope that a positive sibling relationship will eventually develop. I also know I would regret never having tried for a second, although the age gap they will have (around two years) is not ideal in terms of caring for both. I am going to have to rely on family and friends more and not put as much pressure on myself to do everything., You definitely don't have to share but im curious what kind of genetic testing can tell you this about future kids? Was it something found in your son and you or your partner?, Yes. He was a great babbler and made intense eye contact. My whole family tree and all the docs thought I was crazy., I can relate so much to going through all these what ifs in my head. It's hard., Fourth here, Understood.. thanks for sharing, and give him a big hug. Kids are always a blessing., what was his signs as a toddler? my daughter is autistic but we don’t know what level she is, sending you all best wishes x, So he’s in public daycare because in Canada In my province there is a 6 year wait for any funding or services. We have a program called all kids belong that checks in once in a while at daycare but there has been nothing much to come out of that, basically they just try and make the daycare understand so he doesn’t get kicked out, Just fyi a lot can happen in 2 years My son at 2 years old was non-verbal and head banging. Skip to today at the age of 4 and he is communicating and the self-injury has stopped. He does have other issues like meltdowns over small things. I don’t have other kids but now I wish I did as I believe the consistent interaction could teach him so much about interpersonal relationships. But I know my limits and if I gave another ASD kid I may end up having a nervous breakdown., Fragile x. chD8 were the conclusive ones, just in me. My brother just had a kid too same time as me and they are also on spectrum but it’s just not as obvious because they pointed and language recessed, so hopefully the language comes back., Yep. Level 3 kiddo over here too, so many people said oh it must be really mild if so. He does no gestures and has 15 words that are gone now, have tantrums and will only eat dry crunchy foods, no it’s not mild…, fifth, It’s so hard living with not knowing what the future can bring. It is encouraging that your son has made such huge progress. My son is making small gains, and I hope over time this will turn into more noticeable progress. I also am not sure how I will cope if the child I am pregnant with now ends up with significant delays or autism, but I’m going to have to figure it out. Therapy is helping me, at least a tiny bit., Please don't beat yourself up about it, the exact same thing happened to me., My youngest son is so good for my oldest son. I was in denial about autism. But developmentally they play well together and my oldest (the one with autism) is encouraged by my youngest. I just wanted to give you a bit of hope. It really does get better. It still has it's hard moments, especially now that my 4 year old seems that my 6 year old is not like him. Him realizing this has been painful. You're not selfish though. Have some grace with yourself., Not really any advice here, but my wife passed away few years ago when my daughter was six months old and my son was 3 years old. My daughter is LVL3 Non verbal - I am lucky that I have my parents help otherwise it would be soo hard. I've had to quit jobs because I could not handle dealing with her sleepless nights. I used to move her around stroller in the house in middle of night for hours, months on end. Maybe year even. Her sleep has gotten better, but still it's brutal!!, I was right there with you a few months ago. My 2 boys are 2 years apart, almost to the day. I felt so guilty for so long after my second was born. My first was only flagged for Autism 3 months before his brother arrived. They are now 2y 8m and 8 months old. It's getting easier. I do a lot of therapy at home as well, and now that the 8 month old is sitting and more alert, I try and involve him in all the things we do. It doesn't always work out, but it's definitely getting easier., Adding a second child to the mix does indeed make the dynamic more challenging, disability or not. Learning how to manage 2 kids each with their own set of needs is definitely challenging. But there will be benefits to your child having a sibling. My son, who has autism, is my 5th child. Having so many kids influenced the decisions I made for my son and honestly it was for the better. I had my 6th child when he was 14 months old. Since my son was so delayed it felt like having twins for a while, until my daughter passed him up developmentally. I did everything with 2 babies in my arms or in the baby carriers. Having siblings has helped my son tremendously. Now that everyone is grown, they willingly hang out with him when I need some respite. They are also planning on taking over for me when I am too old to care for him and when i inevitably pass away. It brings me comfort that he won't be alone in this world. If you have too many appointments, see if you can trim it down. I had my son do ot/speech at the same session, for example. Sometimes they are willing and able to co-treat. Are you able to get in-home therapies for him? Have them come to you? Once he started full day pre-k, I actually stopped his outpatient therapy because he was getting those therapies at school and I was able to continue working on the goals at home. It was much easier to not have to bring everyone to an outpatient appointment. If you can't trim appointments down, see if you can have someone accompany you...or if you can change the time so that your husband can attend and help out. If it is truly too much for you right now, then take a break from the appointments. Your mental state takes precedence. Your son sounds pretty young and I know you feel like you have to do this but the reality is that he will be ok if you just simply take a break for a little while. It is far more important that his primary caregiver not feel overwhelmed and stressed out., My spouse felt the same way. Our ASD child is the youngest of 3, with a 6yr gap. Our ASD child is mid-lvl functioning non verbal, and ADHD. For a while she felt like a “unfit mother” because most of her attention was focused on our ASD child. But as they started their therapies it has smoothed out a bit. They require less attention, they interact socially with their siblings. Patience and self care. I feel as parents who want the best for their children (neurotypical or otherwise), we often get lost in being parents we forget that we have our needs. It’s great to have a partner that not only is willing to help but who can also provide you with mental support as this journey is lifelong., I didn't know my daughter was autistic until she was 8. She did point and clap within range, and all she had was a speech delay at your child’s age. The signs can be really subtle. It only became apparent to me as she grew older and her social prowess floundered. She can't hold a conversation most of the time about anything if it doesn't follow the script of pleasantries we humans tend to use. Give yourself some grace. You can't predict everything. Show your two kids how much you love them and advocate for your kiddos., you can't change the past. so it's not worth the energy to wish "what if?". all you can do is focus on the now and the future. you're doing your best and that's amazing. sounds like you're doing a great job, you and your husband are a great team and a terrific family., What if your younger one drags your other one along socially, in a good way. Someone to mimic etc. That’s what’s happening for us. Try and stay positive., I got pregnant when my son was 11 months old and he went on to be diagnosed with autism. You’re not alone. You can do this and I am rooting for you., If it helps, I’m an autistic child with two younger autistic siblings. It’s genetic in our family, my mum is actually an identical twin and both her and my aunt have autism. Our only two cousins also have autism. It can be hard I’ve heard. I don’t think my mum is selfish for having my siblings when she had me, im also a bit older and when I was taken to the doctor as a kid, the doctor said girls can’t have autism and said I just had social anxiety. This was before the DSM5. I know my parents did their best, it was hard for me with my siblings getting most of the attention, and I still wish I had more help as a kid, but then again my parents didn’t even know I was autistic at the time because of what that doctor said. I was diagnosed a couple years ago and my parents say they feel selfish too because they didn’t know and “it was obvious”. But it’s ok. Parents are just doing their best. I’m half asleep and have level 2 autism so I’m sorry if this isn’t good writing and is all over the place. I hope it helps regardless though., Same thing happened to me too! Autistic babies can be really “easy” babies. I know mine was! We were super excited to have another kid. We spaced our next pregnancy so they’d be 2.5 years apart. It was right after I got pregnant (when he was just turning two) that it really sunk in that he wasn’t learning to talk and he was starting to have scary meltdowns. It was a lot to have a newborn and go through those years. Then my copper IUD failed and we had a third kid only 18 months after the second! He is also on the spectrum, diagnosed at 2 years old also. But now that it’s the second time around, I’m not as stressed and worried about his development as I was with my first. Anyways sorry for rambling but I totally understand where you’re coming from! Feeling overwhelmed and like you’re cheating one of yours kids somehow. I’m sure you’re a great mom! And even though it’s hard for me right now, my boys adore each other and my autistic boys have their best friends built in… this is something that comforts me when I worry about my kindergartner making friends. He already has his people who love, admire and adore him … his little bros!, This same thing happened to me, it’s hard. But it’s been years and years later, we found a way to make it work. And my sons are the best of friends, they’re super close. It gets better., We just went through this so my heart goes out to you 💟 mine is 4 and his baby brother is 2 months I felt bad I had to leave him to attend to the baby and he would get upset but now that he's a little older he like to help. He brings bottles and blankets and wants to hold him. Feeling guilty is normal I think, I'm not an expert but I felt with it and it definitely is hard at times but we can only do what we are capable of and your baby will know you still love them. It may be hard at times but take these words to heart. You are an amazing mama and you love your child unconditionally., Aww it is a lot at first, isn’t it? My daughter is nearly 3 and we just reached the end of our diagnostic journey which means- finally- a lot fewer appointments. It was music to my ears when the developmental pediatrician said she didn’t need to see us for another year… and then we got cleaned by neuro too.. so no more appointments with them. Another specialist she sees for a non-ASD related condition doesn’t want to see her for 4 months instead of 3. Edited to add my point.. is that I feel like the appointment stuff is getting much easier and less obtrusive now., The most a parent can do for their child is give their absolute best, you are doing that. There's nothing to feel bad about. Parenting is hard, regardless of your kids being ND or NT. You and your husband are doing great., That sounds very hard! You are doing a great job! Please don’t blame yourself. I just wanted to second the comment about progress. A lot can change from age 2. I’m not saying it definitely will but our kiddo was diagnosed level 3 and head banging against the wall/window, meltdowns, speech delay at 2 years old and is now low needs autistic (haven’t got a new level but that’s probably where she is) at three and a bit. I think she’ll probably have issues again socially when she’s older because of following scripts but she’s doing so well right now., Hey fellow Ontarioian! It’s okay, it’s not your fault. A YouTuber I watch who is a OBGYN often says “we do the best we can with the information we have” often adding that if we knew differently we would have acted differently but when you don’t know you can’t be blamed. Also, there are many parents who know and understand your struggles with having more than one child and one of them being special needs… you’re definitely not alone there., Happened to me , not going to lie, newborn-1.5 was awwwwwwwweful. But it’s gotten better and they’re besties now. Just know there is light at the end of the tunnel, I have 3 kids in short succession and first two were diagnosed so I had absolutely no idea or clue. Not your fault., We waited 5 years to have another kid and I wish we would have had another kid much sooner. Your child will be forced out of their comfort zone because of your newborn. It will be tough at first but in the long run it will help your son grow and become more adaptable. Hang in there, you’re doing a great job, Same thing by the time it was flagged up by my family at 2.5 years the second baby had just been born. I feel terrible about bringing the 11 month old to speech and OT. If it was at his naptime I would leave him with hubs who wfh., Celebrate the small victories because you win conquer, Yo! This happens will all kids of all diversities and quantities. My daughter has dance class that takes away from time I can have my son do things. Fundamentally it sucks to want to be 2 places at one time. You'll get the hang of it!, Yep. Same thing happened to my wife and I. Don’t beat yourself up. Know it will be hard for awhile. Do the best you can. Again, don’t beat yourself up. Be glad your kids will eventually be old enough to appreciate having a sibling., You have brought two beautiful humans into this world who you are trying to find a balance for, and to care for and support. That’s more than many parents do for their children. I’m sorry you are feeling this way. It can be a long journey. I have an older autistic child and younger child, I also feel guilt sometimes for creating a scenario where my youngest may need to choose to care for or not care for a sibling. That’s rough on anyone., You’re doing great! No, you may not have planned on having an autistic child, but you got one. Now you may have a caretaker for him. My daughter is almost 40 with a 3 year old autistic girl. How do you chance another one? What happens when we die? She’ll be just getting thru high school when my daughter retires. What will happen to my 30 year old granddaughter when she has no siblings and her parents are gone? Being an only child is lonely. Having a built in playmate is great! This will be your normal. Chin up, keep in motion!🤗🤗🤗, I'm also in ontario and was in a similar situation. It was so hard when my kids were little. They're 3.5 and 5.5 now, both autistic, and life is so much easier. Those newborn days were hell. It can get better. I'm so happy and grateful to have a second child. He's so wonderful and they both benefit a lot from having a sibling., I was pregnant again 5 weeks after my son was born (I know, I know!). My daughter is 10.5 months younger than her brother who is now 10 and autistic. Honestly, it will get better. You and your husband stick together though, because the next few years are going to be HARD. But it does improve. Arrange a schedule for others to get to know your children, make a village and then use that village as respite and allow you and your husband to date, too. Find groups. This is important too, especially for your mental health. Find a hobby, something that can allow you to be yourself for an evening a week. And if you ever get overwhelmed and you need to vent, you can DM me and I will understand how it is., I could have written this myself 5 years ago. I felt all of the exact same things you are feeling. My older two kids are autistic. My oldest, my daughter, it wasn’t obvious because she pointed and spoke and whatnot on time, it didn’t become more apparent that she was autistic until around kindergarten. At that point it was becoming very clear that my 2.5 year old son was also autistic- he had a severe speech/gesture delay but his stupid pediatrician kept brushing it off and saying he wasn’t concerned because of his eye contact and some other things. So as I was finding out that my older two were both autistic at the same time, I had a newborn. It was so brutal- I was so overwhelmed and guilty and depressed. Food lost its flavor. I couldn’t do anything other than obsessively look up stuff about autistic kids and therapies in an attempt to fix/make up for lost time. I got treatment for PPD and the medication helped SO much. It kept me from going into spirals of despair. I was able to enjoy the good moments with my kids rather than only fixating on the bad. And trust me- there will be MANY good moments! You don’t want to miss them because you’re busy beating yourself up. My kids are 9, 7 and 5 now- my oldest still has some behavior and social issues but is doing pretty well in school and is happy and has many interests. My youngest child is neurotypical and has some mild delays like speech but is also doing very well. My middle child has the most struggles, but he progresses and we are working on getting better school accommodations. All of my kids are a delight and they bring us a lot of joy. I wish the best for you and hope you can seek treatment and climb out of the hole you’re in., My little one has ASD, my cousins son (9) has diabetes 1, my other cousin's son has Duchenne musculae dystrophy... Why am I saying this? There is no selfishness or bad or right timing, kids are blessing no matter what. Your older one is just 1 ! We always assume and make some plans but fail to have the pleasure at the moment. I am sure things will all play out well, just spend the time together, share and vent here. We are all in more or less same situation. If you ask me if I would have reversed the time and avoid having my little one? NEVER, his little smile is worth of everything, I have dreams that we are having conversations and I am looking forwards for this to happen. We human beings are remarkable, adaptable, I am sure you will fins your way. Just hug both of them, Therapist and mom speaking here: Please don't feel guilty. We do the best we can with what we have. Every situation is an opportunity for learning and growth for our children. I've seen children thrive in some pretty grim situations. Being an only child or a child more fully spaced does not guarantee a better life or education. I've see children struggle with wealth, and opportunities. What is most important is that you and children are calm and as regulated as possible. That you love each other and are patient with each other. Little good comes from panic, anxiety, guilt, depression, stress, and/or anger. A lot of good comes from processing your feelings outloud if they see you doing it successfully. "Wow, I was a little worried we'd be late, but guess what? I took a big breath, blew it out and realized it's OK to be late sometimes." Little 1 will learn to be more flexible from having a sibling with the needs all babies have. He will learn to wait even if it's hard or takes time to learn. This is soooo important. Many a child with disabilities has a harder life because parents feel guilty and don't work to develop basic coping skills in their children. He can learn to wait when you say, "I'll hold your hand while you wait for me to finish nursing your sibling" or "I'll watch you play while I rock the baby" .... Baby came second and won't know any different. We go to the therapy room twice a week and read/play while brother does something away from us. Or we join in play with brother and the therapist - how cool. I know many people on this site have children with profound disabilities and this makes things infinitely harder but in the end we find a way. Ask friends and family for support. Lean on those who offer help. Give up having a super tidy home, perfect meals, etc.. Find a way to do this without destroying yourself. It's a long haul and the guilt will crush you. Hang in there mama you got this!, I don’t know if this helps at all, but it is so positive that your autistic child will always have someone to advocate for them, long after you’re gone. I know that doesn’t help with the enormous stress and exhaustion you must be feeling, but I admire your sacrifice. I’m only going to have one because I am not a good enough mother to have a second. But I don’t know like to think about what could happen to my daughter once I go (hopefully at 100 years, but still). Just wanted to say - hang in there, you are more than enough for both of your babies and they will thank you one day!, This newborn can be the best thing that ever happened. My second born was not on purpose because I was on birth control and still got pregnant. Now my autistic oldest is almost 12 and his younger brother is 10. The youngest is the only one who really knows how to play with his brother. And what a gift that is for my oldest. Remember, they’re only little once. Don’t spend these years worrying. Embrace them, love them for who they are. Don’t stress about getting him into therapy.. ABA might not even be that helpful to you. I swear my oldest has learned everything from me and I wasted years trying all the therapies from therapists with worse family situations than me. Keep loving your husband. This is temporary. You’re gonna still love your journey., I did the same I got pregnant 18months after getting my son diagnosed with autism. Having him a sister/brother actually helps with social skills, play and development. Exposure to the world if safe helps. Good luck it's going to be okay. My now 7 and 6 yo children are good friends and have their own conversations. Everything happens for a reason., My son had a great contact he is 4 and half years old. Up to 13 months he spoke 10-15 words then he lost the speech 13-36 months. I stopped screen time at 4 years old for 3 months and started speech therapy and joined in iep special education Fulltime now he is forming sentences and use words a lot still have issues with social but I am happy don’t be worried they are lot of people here with same issues. My son is also born in covid 2019-201 was really hard for us, My daughter and son has 2 and half years difference . 2 year daughter goes to play with 4 years old who does not like at all., Us too. For us, he turned one and two during Covid, and while I made some honest attempts to look into it and get him help during those first years, I was only met with false reassurance., Same here., Yes, in reflecting on your comment, my youngest helped my oldest (autistic) accelerate in terms of communication. Definitely a benefit of having two kiddos who can create their own bond and model each other! (Sometimes not a benefit but overall, mostly good!), Yes! Same thing happened, our kids are 19 months apart, Have you tried clonidine before bed? My daughter is the same- terrible terible sleep and melatonin backfires and she has never slept longer than 6 hours… we have her on a very low dose of liquid prozac and we crush up a tablet of clonidine and mix it with water before bed and my baby girl is calm!!!!! She is CALM at bedtime. I hate to promote medications because they work different for every child. But this one is working for us!!!! She seems legitimately happier during the day lately too. Im so very sorry for your loss. Your kids are so so lucky to have you., I’m so sorry for your loss. I am glad you have support. Your children are lucky to have such a committed remaining parent., Yes, same. I am talking to my newborn constantly since that is all I am doing with my first to encourage speech and the three of us are always together on the floor or reading a book, Yes!!! Call the therapy place and say you just need a little breather to adjust with the new baby. I did that with mine and that lowered my personal stress a lot. Theres TONS of stuff to do at home with ASD kids that is the same as going to therapy. You can only do what you can!!! Babies are happier around happy moms. Fact. Lol, Hi there, just a bit off the topic, but what is his level now? How is his speech? I understand the siblings will be taking care of him, what is his social level, does he have work? Great family though! Must be lucky to be surrounded like this, Yes my son is level 3 so it wasn’t subtle. He needs significant support which is hard to give him with a newborn. We are struggling. My pediatrician mentioned the songs are more subtle with lower support needs, Yes, just wish there were was more awareness about not pointing by 1 being a marker and things like that instead of oh boys are just slower to develop and shy like his pediatrician originally said. No he has severe autism, that’s why he doesn’t point. He seems social but only when you’re animated to entertain him., Thank you. I think I just needed to vent, I feel a bit better now but holy. My husband is getting a vasectomy next week. I love my two boys more than anything., My next son is most likely ASD based on genetic tests. We are worried what will happen to them when we pass. We are doing everything we can though to try and set them up financially after we’re gone, We got the false reassurance too because my son made great eye contact etc, Yes false reassurance , I’m also kicking myself since we have no family and we knew even one child would be hard but once he started being such a joy at 6 months we were like omgosh yes let’s have another at a year. Got pregnant right away, and that was that. If it had of taken us a year to get pregnant like it did my first we would have been fine since we would have probably known something was up by then. It’s just all so backwards, Me three! 👋, Same for my son and daughter, they helped each other so much!, When you get too tired of talking and reading “vooks” on youtube is your BEST friend. Its just a bunch of short kid stories and they are very entertaining and well done. My five year old is an incredibly proficient reader and its seriously from storytime vooks on freaking youtube 😂😂😂, He was diagnosed under the old dsm so on paper he has classical autism, but he is solidly a level 3, and has always been. He is non-verbal, no functional language at all. Not potty trained and he has a profound intellectual disability. He does not, and can not work. As for social level, I am not sure what that means but he is incredibly affectionate on his own terms and enjoys interacting with people. He is a total love. My kids are absolutely the best and I am the luckiest mom to have all of them., Look into respite. Baby wear. Have you and your husband each take a kid for 1/2 day on the weekends and do something. Then switch the next weekend. Are you breastfeeding? Supplement if you need to for your mental health. Hang in there. Find a support group. Is your son in public school or ABA? Put him in both if you can. It WILL get easier but it’s really really fucking hard for a while., I am pregnant now and my son, 16 months, is on a waitlist for autism evaluation. When we started trying for our second we were hoping he may just be mildly affected but it appears more likely that he will have greater needs. We decided to stop trying but by that point I was already pregnant. I am scared, but I also hope that a positive sibling relationship will eventually develop. I also know I would regret never having tried for a second, although the age gap they will have (around two years) is not ideal in terms of caring for both. I am going to have to rely on family and friends more and not put as much pressure on myself to do everything., You definitely don't have to share but im curious what kind of genetic testing can tell you this about future kids? Was it something found in your son and you or your partner?, Yes. He was a great babbler and made intense eye contact. My whole family tree and all the docs thought I was crazy., I can relate so much to going through all these what ifs in my head. It's hard., Fourth here, Understood.. thanks for sharing, and give him a big hug. Kids are always a blessing., what was his signs as a toddler? my daughter is autistic but we don’t know what level she is, sending you all best wishes x, So he’s in public daycare because in Canada In my province there is a 6 year wait for any funding or services. We have a program called all kids belong that checks in once in a while at daycare but there has been nothing much to come out of that, basically they just try and make the daycare understand so he doesn’t get kicked out, Just fyi a lot can happen in 2 years My son at 2 years old was non-verbal and head banging. Skip to today at the age of 4 and he is communicating and the self-injury has stopped. He does have other issues like meltdowns over small things. I don’t have other kids but now I wish I did as I believe the consistent interaction could teach him so much about interpersonal relationships. But I know my limits and if I gave another ASD kid I may end up having a nervous breakdown., Fragile x. chD8 were the conclusive ones, just in me. My brother just had a kid too same time as me and they are also on spectrum but it’s just not as obvious because they pointed and language recessed, so hopefully the language comes back., Yep. Level 3 kiddo over here too, so many people said oh it must be really mild if so. He does no gestures and has 15 words that are gone now, have tantrums and will only eat dry crunchy foods, no it’s not mild…, fifth, It’s so hard living with not knowing what the future can bring. It is encouraging that your son has made such huge progress. My son is making small gains, and I hope over time this will turn into more noticeable progress. I also am not sure how I will cope if the child I am pregnant with now ends up with significant delays or autism, but I’m going to have to figure it out. Therapy is helping me, at least a tiny bit., Please don't beat yourself up about it, the exact same thing happened to me., My youngest son is so good for my oldest son. I was in denial about autism. But developmentally they play well together and my oldest (the one with autism) is encouraged by my youngest. I just wanted to give you a bit of hope. It really does get better. It still has it's hard moments, especially now that my 4 year old seems that my 6 year old is not like him. Him realizing this has been painful. You're not selfish though. Have some grace with yourself., Not really any advice here, but my wife passed away few years ago when my daughter was six months old and my son was 3 years old. My daughter is LVL3 Non verbal - I am lucky that I have my parents help otherwise it would be soo hard. I've had to quit jobs because I could not handle dealing with her sleepless nights. I used to move her around stroller in the house in middle of night for hours, months on end. Maybe year even. Her sleep has gotten better, but still it's brutal!!, I was right there with you a few months ago. My 2 boys are 2 years apart, almost to the day. I felt so guilty for so long after my second was born. My first was only flagged for Autism 3 months before his brother arrived. They are now 2y 8m and 8 months old. It's getting easier. I do a lot of therapy at home as well, and now that the 8 month old is sitting and more alert, I try and involve him in all the things we do. It doesn't always work out, but it's definitely getting easier., Adding a second child to the mix does indeed make the dynamic more challenging, disability or not. Learning how to manage 2 kids each with their own set of needs is definitely challenging. But there will be benefits to your child having a sibling. My son, who has autism, is my 5th child. Having so many kids influenced the decisions I made for my son and honestly it was for the better. I had my 6th child when he was 14 months old. Since my son was so delayed it felt like having twins for a while, until my daughter passed him up developmentally. I did everything with 2 babies in my arms or in the baby carriers. Having siblings has helped my son tremendously. Now that everyone is grown, they willingly hang out with him when I need some respite. They are also planning on taking over for me when I am too old to care for him and when i inevitably pass away. It brings me comfort that he won't be alone in this world. If you have too many appointments, see if you can trim it down. I had my son do ot/speech at the same session, for example. Sometimes they are willing and able to co-treat. Are you able to get in-home therapies for him? Have them come to you? Once he started full day pre-k, I actually stopped his outpatient therapy because he was getting those therapies at school and I was able to continue working on the goals at home. It was much easier to not have to bring everyone to an outpatient appointment. If you can't trim appointments down, see if you can have someone accompany you...or if you can change the time so that your husband can attend and help out. If it is truly too much for you right now, then take a break from the appointments. Your mental state takes precedence. Your son sounds pretty young and I know you feel like you have to do this but the reality is that he will be ok if you just simply take a break for a little while. It is far more important that his primary caregiver not feel overwhelmed and stressed out., My spouse felt the same way. Our ASD child is the youngest of 3, with a 6yr gap. Our ASD child is mid-lvl functioning non verbal, and ADHD. For a while she felt like a “unfit mother” because most of her attention was focused on our ASD child. But as they started their therapies it has smoothed out a bit. They require less attention, they interact socially with their siblings. Patience and self care. I feel as parents who want the best for their children (neurotypical or otherwise), we often get lost in being parents we forget that we have our needs. It’s great to have a partner that not only is willing to help but who can also provide you with mental support as this journey is lifelong., I didn't know my daughter was autistic until she was 8. She did point and clap within range, and all she had was a speech delay at your child’s age. The signs can be really subtle. It only became apparent to me as she grew older and her social prowess floundered. She can't hold a conversation most of the time about anything if it doesn't follow the script of pleasantries we humans tend to use. Give yourself some grace. You can't predict everything. Show your two kids how much you love them and advocate for your kiddos., you can't change the past. so it's not worth the energy to wish "what if?". all you can do is focus on the now and the future. you're doing your best and that's amazing. sounds like you're doing a great job, you and your husband are a great team and a terrific family., What if your younger one drags your other one along socially, in a good way. Someone to mimic etc. That’s what’s happening for us. Try and stay positive., I got pregnant when my son was 11 months old and he went on to be diagnosed with autism. You’re not alone. You can do this and I am rooting for you., If it helps, I’m an autistic child with two younger autistic siblings. It’s genetic in our family, my mum is actually an identical twin and both her and my aunt have autism. Our only two cousins also have autism. It can be hard I’ve heard. I don’t think my mum is selfish for having my siblings when she had me, im also a bit older and when I was taken to the doctor as a kid, the doctor said girls can’t have autism and said I just had social anxiety. This was before the DSM5. I know my parents did their best, it was hard for me with my siblings getting most of the attention, and I still wish I had more help as a kid, but then again my parents didn’t even know I was autistic at the time because of what that doctor said. I was diagnosed a couple years ago and my parents say they feel selfish too because they didn’t know and “it was obvious”. But it’s ok. Parents are just doing their best. I’m half asleep and have level 2 autism so I’m sorry if this isn’t good writing and is all over the place. I hope it helps regardless though., Same thing happened to me too! Autistic babies can be really “easy” babies. I know mine was! We were super excited to have another kid. We spaced our next pregnancy so they’d be 2.5 years apart. It was right after I got pregnant (when he was just turning two) that it really sunk in that he wasn’t learning to talk and he was starting to have scary meltdowns. It was a lot to have a newborn and go through those years. Then my copper IUD failed and we had a third kid only 18 months after the second! He is also on the spectrum, diagnosed at 2 years old also. But now that it’s the second time around, I’m not as stressed and worried about his development as I was with my first. Anyways sorry for rambling but I totally understand where you’re coming from! Feeling overwhelmed and like you’re cheating one of yours kids somehow. I’m sure you’re a great mom! And even though it’s hard for me right now, my boys adore each other and my autistic boys have their best friends built in… this is something that comforts me when I worry about my kindergartner making friends. He already has his people who love, admire and adore him … his little bros!, This same thing happened to me, it’s hard. But it’s been years and years later, we found a way to make it work. And my sons are the best of friends, they’re super close. It gets better., We just went through this so my heart goes out to you 💟 mine is 4 and his baby brother is 2 months I felt bad I had to leave him to attend to the baby and he would get upset but now that he's a little older he like to help. He brings bottles and blankets and wants to hold him. Feeling guilty is normal I think, I'm not an expert but I felt with it and it definitely is hard at times but we can only do what we are capable of and your baby will know you still love them. It may be hard at times but take these words to heart. You are an amazing mama and you love your child unconditionally., Aww it is a lot at first, isn’t it? My daughter is nearly 3 and we just reached the end of our diagnostic journey which means- finally- a lot fewer appointments. It was music to my ears when the developmental pediatrician said she didn’t need to see us for another year… and then we got cleaned by neuro too.. so no more appointments with them. Another specialist she sees for a non-ASD related condition doesn’t want to see her for 4 months instead of 3. Edited to add my point.. is that I feel like the appointment stuff is getting much easier and less obtrusive now., The most a parent can do for their child is give their absolute best, you are doing that. There's nothing to feel bad about. Parenting is hard, regardless of your kids being ND or NT. You and your husband are doing great., That sounds very hard! You are doing a great job! Please don’t blame yourself. I just wanted to second the comment about progress. A lot can change from age 2. I’m not saying it definitely will but our kiddo was diagnosed level 3 and head banging against the wall/window, meltdowns, speech delay at 2 years old and is now low needs autistic (haven’t got a new level but that’s probably where she is) at three and a bit. I think she’ll probably have issues again socially when she’s older because of following scripts but she’s doing so well right now., Hey fellow Ontarioian! It’s okay, it’s not your fault. A YouTuber I watch who is a OBGYN often says “we do the best we can with the information we have” often adding that if we knew differently we would have acted differently but when you don’t know you can’t be blamed. Also, there are many parents who know and understand your struggles with having more than one child and one of them being special needs… you’re definitely not alone there., Happened to me , not going to lie, newborn-1.5 was awwwwwwwweful. But it’s gotten better and they’re besties now. Just know there is light at the end of the tunnel, I have 3 kids in short succession and first two were diagnosed so I had absolutely no idea or clue. Not your fault., We waited 5 years to have another kid and I wish we would have had another kid much sooner. Your child will be forced out of their comfort zone because of your newborn. It will be tough at first but in the long run it will help your son grow and become more adaptable. Hang in there, you’re doing a great job, Same thing by the time it was flagged up by my family at 2.5 years the second baby had just been born. I feel terrible about bringing the 11 month old to speech and OT. If it was at his naptime I would leave him with hubs who wfh., Celebrate the small victories because you win conquer, Yo! This happens will all kids of all diversities and quantities. My daughter has dance class that takes away from time I can have my son do things. Fundamentally it sucks to want to be 2 places at one time. You'll get the hang of it!, Yep. Same thing happened to my wife and I. Don’t beat yourself up. Know it will be hard for awhile. Do the best you can. Again, don’t beat yourself up. Be glad your kids will eventually be old enough to appreciate having a sibling., You have brought two beautiful humans into this world who you are trying to find a balance for, and to care for and support. That’s more than many parents do for their children. I’m sorry you are feeling this way. It can be a long journey. I have an older autistic child and younger child, I also feel guilt sometimes for creating a scenario where my youngest may need to choose to care for or not care for a sibling. That’s rough on anyone., You’re doing great! No, you may not have planned on having an autistic child, but you got one. Now you may have a caretaker for him. My daughter is almost 40 with a 3 year old autistic girl. How do you chance another one? What happens when we die? She’ll be just getting thru high school when my daughter retires. What will happen to my 30 year old granddaughter when she has no siblings and her parents are gone? Being an only child is lonely. Having a built in playmate is great! This will be your normal. Chin up, keep in motion!🤗🤗🤗, I'm also in ontario and was in a similar situation. It was so hard when my kids were little. They're 3.5 and 5.5 now, both autistic, and life is so much easier. Those newborn days were hell. It can get better. I'm so happy and grateful to have a second child. He's so wonderful and they both benefit a lot from having a sibling., I was pregnant again 5 weeks after my son was born (I know, I know!). My daughter is 10.5 months younger than her brother who is now 10 and autistic. Honestly, it will get better. You and your husband stick together though, because the next few years are going to be HARD. But it does improve. Arrange a schedule for others to get to know your children, make a village and then use that village as respite and allow you and your husband to date, too. Find groups. This is important too, especially for your mental health. Find a hobby, something that can allow you to be yourself for an evening a week. And if you ever get overwhelmed and you need to vent, you can DM me and I will understand how it is., I could have written this myself 5 years ago. I felt all of the exact same things you are feeling. My older two kids are autistic. My oldest, my daughter, it wasn’t obvious because she pointed and spoke and whatnot on time, it didn’t become more apparent that she was autistic until around kindergarten. At that point it was becoming very clear that my 2.5 year old son was also autistic- he had a severe speech/gesture delay but his stupid pediatrician kept brushing it off and saying he wasn’t concerned because of his eye contact and some other things. So as I was finding out that my older two were both autistic at the same time, I had a newborn. It was so brutal- I was so overwhelmed and guilty and depressed. Food lost its flavor. I couldn’t do anything other than obsessively look up stuff about autistic kids and therapies in an attempt to fix/make up for lost time. I got treatment for PPD and the medication helped SO much. It kept me from going into spirals of despair. I was able to enjoy the good moments with my kids rather than only fixating on the bad. And trust me- there will be MANY good moments! You don’t want to miss them because you’re busy beating yourself up. My kids are 9, 7 and 5 now- my oldest still has some behavior and social issues but is doing pretty well in school and is happy and has many interests. My youngest child is neurotypical and has some mild delays like speech but is also doing very well. My middle child has the most struggles, but he progresses and we are working on getting better school accommodations. All of my kids are a delight and they bring us a lot of joy. I wish the best for you and hope you can seek treatment and climb out of the hole you’re in., My little one has ASD, my cousins son (9) has diabetes 1, my other cousin's son has Duchenne musculae dystrophy... Why am I saying this? There is no selfishness or bad or right timing, kids are blessing no matter what. Your older one is just 1 ! We always assume and make some plans but fail to have the pleasure at the moment. I am sure things will all play out well, just spend the time together, share and vent here. We are all in more or less same situation. If you ask me if I would have reversed the time and avoid having my little one? NEVER, his little smile is worth of everything, I have dreams that we are having conversations and I am looking forwards for this to happen. We human beings are remarkable, adaptable, I am sure you will fins your way. Just hug both of them, Therapist and mom speaking here: Please don't feel guilty. We do the best we can with what we have. Every situation is an opportunity for learning and growth for our children. I've seen children thrive in some pretty grim situations. Being an only child or a child more fully spaced does not guarantee a better life or education. I've see children struggle with wealth, and opportunities. What is most important is that you and children are calm and as regulated as possible. That you love each other and are patient with each other. Little good comes from panic, anxiety, guilt, depression, stress, and/or anger. A lot of good comes from processing your feelings outloud if they see you doing it successfully. "Wow, I was a little worried we'd be late, but guess what? I took a big breath, blew it out and realized it's OK to be late sometimes." Little 1 will learn to be more flexible from having a sibling with the needs all babies have. He will learn to wait even if it's hard or takes time to learn. This is soooo important. Many a child with disabilities has a harder life because parents feel guilty and don't work to develop basic coping skills in their children. He can learn to wait when you say, "I'll hold your hand while you wait for me to finish nursing your sibling" or "I'll watch you play while I rock the baby" .... Baby came second and won't know any different. We go to the therapy room twice a week and read/play while brother does something away from us. Or we join in play with brother and the therapist - how cool. I know many people on this site have children with profound disabilities and this makes things infinitely harder but in the end we find a way. Ask friends and family for support. Lean on those who offer help. Give up having a super tidy home, perfect meals, etc.. Find a way to do this without destroying yourself. It's a long haul and the guilt will crush you. Hang in there mama you got this!, I don’t know if this helps at all, but it is so positive that your autistic child will always have someone to advocate for them, long after you’re gone. I know that doesn’t help with the enormous stress and exhaustion you must be feeling, but I admire your sacrifice. I’m only going to have one because I am not a good enough mother to have a second. But I don’t know like to think about what could happen to my daughter once I go (hopefully at 100 years, but still). Just wanted to say - hang in there, you are more than enough for both of your babies and they will thank you one day!, This newborn can be the best thing that ever happened. My second born was not on purpose because I was on birth control and still got pregnant. Now my autistic oldest is almost 12 and his younger brother is 10. The youngest is the only one who really knows how to play with his brother. And what a gift that is for my oldest. Remember, they’re only little once. Don’t spend these years worrying. Embrace them, love them for who they are. Don’t stress about getting him into therapy.. ABA might not even be that helpful to you. I swear my oldest has learned everything from me and I wasted years trying all the therapies from therapists with worse family situations than me. Keep loving your husband. This is temporary. You’re gonna still love your journey., I did the same I got pregnant 18months after getting my son diagnosed with autism. Having him a sister/brother actually helps with social skills, play and development. Exposure to the world if safe helps. Good luck it's going to be okay. My now 7 and 6 yo children are good friends and have their own conversations. Everything happens for a reason., My son had a great contact he is 4 and half years old. Up to 13 months he spoke 10-15 words then he lost the speech 13-36 months. I stopped screen time at 4 years old for 3 months and started speech therapy and joined in iep special education Fulltime now he is forming sentences and use words a lot still have issues with social but I am happy don’t be worried they are lot of people here with same issues. My son is also born in covid 2019-201 was really hard for us, My daughter and son has 2 and half years difference . 2 year daughter goes to play with 4 years old who does not like at all., Us too. For us, he turned one and two during Covid, and while I made some honest attempts to look into it and get him help during those first years, I was only met with false reassurance., Same here., Yes, in reflecting on your comment, my youngest helped my oldest (autistic) accelerate in terms of communication. Definitely a benefit of having two kiddos who can create their own bond and model each other! (Sometimes not a benefit but overall, mostly good!), Yes! Same thing happened, our kids are 19 months apart, Have you tried clonidine before bed? My daughter is the same- terrible terible sleep and melatonin backfires and she has never slept longer than 6 hours… we have her on a very low dose of liquid prozac and we crush up a tablet of clonidine and mix it with water before bed and my baby girl is calm!!!!! She is CALM at bedtime. I hate to promote medications because they work different for every child. But this one is working for us!!!! She seems legitimately happier during the day lately too. Im so very sorry for your loss. Your kids are so so lucky to have you., I’m so sorry for your loss. I am glad you have support. Your children are lucky to have such a committed remaining parent., Yes, same. I am talking to my newborn constantly since that is all I am doing with my first to encourage speech and the three of us are always together on the floor or reading a book, Yes!!! Call the therapy place and say you just need a little breather to adjust with the new baby. I did that with mine and that lowered my personal stress a lot. Theres TONS of stuff to do at home with ASD kids that is the same as going to therapy. You can only do what you can!!! Babies are happier around happy moms. Fact. Lol, Hi there, just a bit off the topic, but what is his level now? How is his speech? I understand the siblings will be taking care of him, what is his social level, does he have work? Great family though! Must be lucky to be surrounded like this, Yes my son is level 3 so it wasn’t subtle. He needs significant support which is hard to give him with a newborn. We are struggling. My pediatrician mentioned the songs are more subtle with lower support needs, Yes, just wish there were was more awareness about not pointing by 1 being a marker and things like that instead of oh boys are just slower to develop and shy like his pediatrician originally said. No he has severe autism, that’s why he doesn’t point. He seems social but only when you’re animated to entertain him., Thank you. I think I just needed to vent, I feel a bit better now but holy. My husband is getting a vasectomy next week. I love my two boys more than anything., My next son is most likely ASD based on genetic tests. We are worried what will happen to them when we pass. We are doing everything we can though to try and set them up financially after we’re gone, We got the false reassurance too because my son made great eye contact etc, Yes false reassurance , I’m also kicking myself since we have no family and we knew even one child would be hard but once he started being such a joy at 6 months we were like omgosh yes let’s have another at a year. Got pregnant right away, and that was that. If it had of taken us a year to get pregnant like it did my first we would have been fine since we would have probably known something was up by then. It’s just all so backwards, Me three! 👋, Same for my son and daughter, they helped each other so much!, When you get too tired of talking and reading “vooks” on youtube is your BEST friend. Its just a bunch of short kid stories and they are very entertaining and well done. My five year old is an incredibly proficient reader and its seriously from storytime vooks on freaking youtube 😂😂😂, He was diagnosed under the old dsm so on paper he has classical autism, but he is solidly a level 3, and has always been. He is non-verbal, no functional language at all. Not potty trained and he has a profound intellectual disability. He does not, and can not work. As for social level, I am not sure what that means but he is incredibly affectionate on his own terms and enjoys interacting with people. He is a total love. My kids are absolutely the best and I am the luckiest mom to have all of them., Look into respite. Baby wear. Have you and your husband each take a kid for 1/2 day on the weekends and do something. Then switch the next weekend. Are you breastfeeding? Supplement if you need to for your mental health. Hang in there. Find a support group. Is your son in public school or ABA? Put him in both if you can. It WILL get easier but it’s really really fucking hard for a while., I am pregnant now and my son, 16 months, is on a waitlist for autism evaluation. When we started trying for our second we were hoping he may just be mildly affected but it appears more likely that he will have greater needs. We decided to stop trying but by that point I was already pregnant. I am scared, but I also hope that a positive sibling relationship will eventually develop. I also know I would regret never having tried for a second, although the age gap they will have (around two years) is not ideal in terms of caring for both. I am going to have to rely on family and friends more and not put as much pressure on myself to do everything., You definitely don't have to share but im curious what kind of genetic testing can tell you this about future kids? Was it something found in your son and you or your partner?, Yes. He was a great babbler and made intense eye contact. My whole family tree and all the docs thought I was crazy., I can relate so much to going through all these what ifs in my head. It's hard., Fourth here, Understood.. thanks for sharing, and give him a big hug. Kids are always a blessing., what was his signs as a toddler? my daughter is autistic but we don’t know what level she is, sending you all best wishes x, So he’s in public daycare because in Canada In my province there is a 6 year wait for any funding or services. We have a program called all kids belong that checks in once in a while at daycare but there has been nothing much to come out of that, basically they just try and make the daycare understand so he doesn’t get kicked out, Just fyi a lot can happen in 2 years My son at 2 years old was non-verbal and head banging. Skip to today at the age of 4 and he is communicating and the self-injury has stopped. He does have other issues like meltdowns over small things. I don’t have other kids but now I wish I did as I believe the consistent interaction could teach him so much about interpersonal relationships. But I know my limits and if I gave another ASD kid I may end up having a nervous breakdown., Fragile x. chD8 were the conclusive ones, just in me. My brother just had a kid too same time as me and they are also on spectrum but it’s just not as obvious because they pointed and language recessed, so hopefully the language comes back., Yep. Level 3 kiddo over here too, so many people said oh it must be really mild if so. He does no gestures and has 15 words that are gone now, have tantrums and will only eat dry crunchy foods, no it’s not mild…, fifth, It’s so hard living with not knowing what the future can bring. It is encouraging that your son has made such huge progress. My son is making small gains, and I hope over time this will turn into more noticeable progress. I also am not sure how I will cope if the child I am pregnant with now ends up with significant delays or autism, but I’m going to have to figure it out. Therapy is helping me, at least a tiny bit., Please don't beat yourself up about it, the exact same thing happened to me., My youngest son is so good for my oldest son. I was in denial about autism. But developmentally they play well together and my oldest (the one with autism) is encouraged by my youngest. I just wanted to give you a bit of hope. It really does get better. It still has it's hard moments, especially now that my 4 year old seems that my 6 year old is not like him. Him realizing this has been painful. You're not selfish though. Have some grace with yourself., Not really any advice here, but my wife passed away few years ago when my daughter was six months old and my son was 3 years old. My daughter is LVL3 Non verbal - I am lucky that I have my parents help otherwise it would be soo hard. I've had to quit jobs because I could not handle dealing with her sleepless nights. I used to move her around stroller in the house in middle of night for hours, months on end. Maybe year even. Her sleep has gotten better, but still it's brutal!!, I was right there with you a few months ago. My 2 boys are 2 years apart, almost to the day. I felt so guilty for so long after my second was born. My first was only flagged for Autism 3 months before his brother arrived. They are now 2y 8m and 8 months old. It's getting easier. I do a lot of therapy at home as well, and now that the 8 month old is sitting and more alert, I try and involve him in all the things we do. It doesn't always work out, but it's definitely getting easier., Adding a second child to the mix does indeed make the dynamic more challenging, disability or not. Learning how to manage 2 kids each with their own set of needs is definitely challenging. But there will be benefits to your child having a sibling. My son, who has autism, is my 5th child. Having so many kids influenced the decisions I made for my son and honestly it was for the better. I had my 6th child when he was 14 months old. Since my son was so delayed it felt like having twins for a while, until my daughter passed him up developmentally. I did everything with 2 babies in my arms or in the baby carriers. Having siblings has helped my son tremendously. Now that everyone is grown, they willingly hang out with him when I need some respite. They are also planning on taking over for me when I am too old to care for him and when i inevitably pass away. It brings me comfort that he won't be alone in this world. If you have too many appointments, see if you can trim it down. I had my son do ot/speech at the same session, for example. Sometimes they are willing and able to co-treat. Are you able to get in-home therapies for him? Have them come to you? Once he started full day pre-k, I actually stopped his outpatient therapy because he was getting those therapies at school and I was able to continue working on the goals at home. It was much easier to not have to bring everyone to an outpatient appointment. If you can't trim appointments down, see if you can have someone accompany you...or if you can change the time so that your husband can attend and help out. If it is truly too much for you right now, then take a break from the appointments. Your mental state takes precedence. Your son sounds pretty young and I know you feel like you have to do this but the reality is that he will be ok if you just simply take a break for a little while. It is far more important that his primary caregiver not feel overwhelmed and stressed out., My spouse felt the same way. Our ASD child is the youngest of 3, with a 6yr gap. Our ASD child is mid-lvl functioning non verbal, and ADHD. For a while she felt like a “unfit mother” because most of her attention was focused on our ASD child. But as they started their therapies it has smoothed out a bit. They require less attention, they interact socially with their siblings. Patience and self care. I feel as parents who want the best for their children (neurotypical or otherwise), we often get lost in being parents we forget that we have our needs. It’s great to have a partner that not only is willing to help but who can also provide you with mental support as this journey is lifelong., I didn't know my daughter was autistic until she was 8. She did point and clap within range, and all she had was a speech delay at your child’s age. The signs can be really subtle. It only became apparent to me as she grew older and her social prowess floundered. She can't hold a conversation most of the time about anything if it doesn't follow the script of pleasantries we humans tend to use. Give yourself some grace. You can't predict everything. Show your two kids how much you love them and advocate for your kiddos., you can't change the past. so it's not worth the energy to wish "what if?". all you can do is focus on the now and the future. you're doing your best and that's amazing. sounds like you're doing a great job, you and your husband are a great team and a terrific family., What if your younger one drags your other one along socially, in a good way. Someone to mimic etc. That’s what’s happening for us. Try and stay positive., I got pregnant when my son was 11 months old and he went on to be diagnosed with autism. You’re not alone. You can do this and I am rooting for you., If it helps, I’m an autistic child with two younger autistic siblings. It’s genetic in our family, my mum is actually an identical twin and both her and my aunt have autism. Our only two cousins also have autism. It can be hard I’ve heard. I don’t think my mum is selfish for having my siblings when she had me, im also a bit older and when I was taken to the doctor as a kid, the doctor said girls can’t have autism and said I just had social anxiety. This was before the DSM5. I know my parents did their best, it was hard for me with my siblings getting most of the attention, and I still wish I had more help as a kid, but then again my parents didn’t even know I was autistic at the time because of what that doctor said. I was diagnosed a couple years ago and my parents say they feel selfish too because they didn’t know and “it was obvious”. But it’s ok. Parents are just doing their best. I’m half asleep and have level 2 autism so I’m sorry if this isn’t good writing and is all over the place. I hope it helps regardless though., Same thing happened to me too! Autistic babies can be really “easy” babies. I know mine was! We were super excited to have another kid. We spaced our next pregnancy so they’d be 2.5 years apart. It was right after I got pregnant (when he was just turning two) that it really sunk in that he wasn’t learning to talk and he was starting to have scary meltdowns. It was a lot to have a newborn and go through those years. Then my copper IUD failed and we had a third kid only 18 months after the second! He is also on the spectrum, diagnosed at 2 years old also. But now that it’s the second time around, I’m not as stressed and worried about his development as I was with my first. Anyways sorry for rambling but I totally understand where you’re coming from! Feeling overwhelmed and like you’re cheating one of yours kids somehow. I’m sure you’re a great mom! And even though it’s hard for me right now, my boys adore each other and my autistic boys have their best friends built in… this is something that comforts me when I worry about my kindergartner making friends. He already has his people who love, admire and adore him … his little bros!, This same thing happened to me, it’s hard. But it’s been years and years later, we found a way to make it work. And my sons are the best of friends, they’re super close. It gets better., We just went through this so my heart goes out to you 💟 mine is 4 and his baby brother is 2 months I felt bad I had to leave him to attend to the baby and he would get upset but now that he's a little older he like to help. He brings bottles and blankets and wants to hold him. Feeling guilty is normal I think, I'm not an expert but I felt with it and it definitely is hard at times but we can only do what we are capable of and your baby will know you still love them. It may be hard at times but take these words to heart. You are an amazing mama and you love your child unconditionally., Aww it is a lot at first, isn’t it? My daughter is nearly 3 and we just reached the end of our diagnostic journey which means- finally- a lot fewer appointments. It was music to my ears when the developmental pediatrician said she didn’t need to see us for another year… and then we got cleaned by neuro too.. so no more appointments with them. Another specialist she sees for a non-ASD related condition doesn’t want to see her for 4 months instead of 3. Edited to add my point.. is that I feel like the appointment stuff is getting much easier and less obtrusive now., The most a parent can do for their child is give their absolute best, you are doing that. There's nothing to feel bad about. Parenting is hard, regardless of your kids being ND or NT. You and your husband are doing great., That sounds very hard! You are doing a great job! Please don’t blame yourself. I just wanted to second the comment about progress. A lot can change from age 2. I’m not saying it definitely will but our kiddo was diagnosed level 3 and head banging against the wall/window, meltdowns, speech delay at 2 years old and is now low needs autistic (haven’t got a new level but that’s probably where she is) at three and a bit. I think she’ll probably have issues again socially when she’s older because of following scripts but she’s doing so well right now., Hey fellow Ontarioian! It’s okay, it’s not your fault. A YouTuber I watch who is a OBGYN often says “we do the best we can with the information we have” often adding that if we knew differently we would have acted differently but when you don’t know you can’t be blamed. Also, there are many parents who know and understand your struggles with having more than one child and one of them being special needs… you’re definitely not alone there., Happened to me , not going to lie, newborn-1.5 was awwwwwwwweful. But it’s gotten better and they’re besties now. Just know there is light at the end of the tunnel, I have 3 kids in short succession and first two were diagnosed so I had absolutely no idea or clue. Not your fault., We waited 5 years to have another kid and I wish we would have had another kid much sooner. Your child will be forced out of their comfort zone because of your newborn. It will be tough at first but in the long run it will help your son grow and become more adaptable. Hang in there, you’re doing a great job, Same thing by the time it was flagged up by my family at 2.5 years the second baby had just been born. I feel terrible about bringing the 11 month old to speech and OT. If it was at his naptime I would leave him with hubs who wfh., Celebrate the small victories because you win conquer, Yo! This happens will all kids of all diversities and quantities. My daughter has dance class that takes away from time I can have my son do things. Fundamentally it sucks to want to be 2 places at one time. You'll get the hang of it!, Yep. Same thing happened to my wife and I. Don’t beat yourself up. Know it will be hard for awhile. Do the best you can. Again, don’t beat yourself up. Be glad your kids will eventually be old enough to appreciate having a sibling., You have brought two beautiful humans into this world who you are trying to find a balance for, and to care for and support. That’s more than many parents do for their children. I’m sorry you are feeling this way. It can be a long journey. I have an older autistic child and younger child, I also feel guilt sometimes for creating a scenario where my youngest may need to choose to care for or not care for a sibling. That’s rough on anyone., You’re doing great! No, you may not have planned on having an autistic child, but you got one. Now you may have a caretaker for him. My daughter is almost 40 with a 3 year old autistic girl. How do you chance another one? What happens when we die? She’ll be just getting thru high school when my daughter retires. What will happen to my 30 year old granddaughter when she has no siblings and her parents are gone? Being an only child is lonely. Having a built in playmate is great! This will be your normal. Chin up, keep in motion!🤗🤗🤗, I'm also in ontario and was in a similar situation. It was so hard when my kids were little. They're 3.5 and 5.5 now, both autistic, and life is so much easier. Those newborn days were hell. It can get better. I'm so happy and grateful to have a second child. He's so wonderful and they both benefit a lot from having a sibling., I was pregnant again 5 weeks after my son was born (I know, I know!). My daughter is 10.5 months younger than her brother who is now 10 and autistic. Honestly, it will get better. You and your husband stick together though, because the next few years are going to be HARD. But it does improve. Arrange a schedule for others to get to know your children, make a village and then use that village as respite and allow you and your husband to date, too. Find groups. This is important too, especially for your mental health. Find a hobby, something that can allow you to be yourself for an evening a week. And if you ever get overwhelmed and you need to vent, you can DM me and I will understand how it is., I could have written this myself 5 years ago. I felt all of the exact same things you are feeling. My older two kids are autistic. My oldest, my daughter, it wasn’t obvious because she pointed and spoke and whatnot on time, it didn’t become more apparent that she was autistic until around kindergarten. At that point it was becoming very clear that my 2.5 year old son was also autistic- he had a severe speech/gesture delay but his stupid pediatrician kept brushing it off and saying he wasn’t concerned because of his eye contact and some other things. So as I was finding out that my older two were both autistic at the same time, I had a newborn. It was so brutal- I was so overwhelmed and guilty and depressed. Food lost its flavor. I couldn’t do anything other than obsessively look up stuff about autistic kids and therapies in an attempt to fix/make up for lost time. I got treatment for PPD and the medication helped SO much. It kept me from going into spirals of despair. I was able to enjoy the good moments with my kids rather than only fixating on the bad. And trust me- there will be MANY good moments! You don’t want to miss them because you’re busy beating yourself up. My kids are 9, 7 and 5 now- my oldest still has some behavior and social issues but is doing pretty well in school and is happy and has many interests. My youngest child is neurotypical and has some mild delays like speech but is also doing very well. My middle child has the most struggles, but he progresses and we are working on getting better school accommodations. All of my kids are a delight and they bring us a lot of joy. I wish the best for you and hope you can seek treatment and climb out of the hole you’re in., My little one has ASD, my cousins son (9) has diabetes 1, my other cousin's son has Duchenne musculae dystrophy... Why am I saying this? There is no selfishness or bad or right timing, kids are blessing no matter what. Your older one is just 1 ! We always assume and make some plans but fail to have the pleasure at the moment. I am sure things will all play out well, just spend the time together, share and vent here. We are all in more or less same situation. If you ask me if I would have reversed the time and avoid having my little one? NEVER, his little smile is worth of everything, I have dreams that we are having conversations and I am looking forwards for this to happen. We human beings are remarkable, adaptable, I am sure you will fins your way. Just hug both of them, Therapist and mom speaking here: Please don't feel guilty. We do the best we can with what we have. Every situation is an opportunity for learning and growth for our children. I've seen children thrive in some pretty grim situations. Being an only child or a child more fully spaced does not guarantee a better life or education. I've see children struggle with wealth, and opportunities. What is most important is that you and children are calm and as regulated as possible. That you love each other and are patient with each other. Little good comes from panic, anxiety, guilt, depression, stress, and/or anger. A lot of good comes from processing your feelings outloud if they see you doing it successfully. "Wow, I was a little worried we'd be late, but guess what? I took a big breath, blew it out and realized it's OK to be late sometimes." Little 1 will learn to be more flexible from having a sibling with the needs all babies have. He will learn to wait even if it's hard or takes time to learn. This is soooo important. Many a child with disabilities has a harder life because parents feel guilty and don't work to develop basic coping skills in their children. He can learn to wait when you say, "I'll hold your hand while you wait for me to finish nursing your sibling" or "I'll watch you play while I rock the baby" .... Baby came second and won't know any different. We go to the therapy room twice a week and read/play while brother does something away from us. Or we join in play with brother and the therapist - how cool. I know many people on this site have children with profound disabilities and this makes things infinitely harder but in the end we find a way. Ask friends and family for support. Lean on those who offer help. Give up having a super tidy home, perfect meals, etc.. Find a way to do this without destroying yourself. It's a long haul and the guilt will crush you. Hang in there mama you got this!, I don’t know if this helps at all, but it is so positive that your autistic child will always have someone to advocate for them, long after you’re gone. I know that doesn’t help with the enormous stress and exhaustion you must be feeling, but I admire your sacrifice. I’m only going to have one because I am not a good enough mother to have a second. But I don’t know like to think about what could happen to my daughter once I go (hopefully at 100 years, but still). Just wanted to say - hang in there, you are more than enough for both of your babies and they will thank you one day!, This newborn can be the best thing that ever happened. My second born was not on purpose because I was on birth control and still got pregnant. Now my autistic oldest is almost 12 and his younger brother is 10. The youngest is the only one who really knows how to play with his brother. And what a gift that is for my oldest. Remember, they’re only little once. Don’t spend these years worrying. Embrace them, love them for who they are. Don’t stress about getting him into therapy.. ABA might not even be that helpful to you. I swear my oldest has learned everything from me and I wasted years trying all the therapies from therapists with worse family situations than me. Keep loving your husband. This is temporary. You’re gonna still love your journey., I did the same I got pregnant 18months after getting my son diagnosed with autism. Having him a sister/brother actually helps with social skills, play and development. Exposure to the world if safe helps. Good luck it's going to be okay. My now 7 and 6 yo children are good friends and have their own conversations. Everything happens for a reason., My son had a great contact he is 4 and half years old. Up to 13 months he spoke 10-15 words then he lost the speech 13-36 months. I stopped screen time at 4 years old for 3 months and started speech therapy and joined in iep special education Fulltime now he is forming sentences and use words a lot still have issues with social but I am happy don’t be worried they are lot of people here with same issues. My son is also born in covid 2019-201 was really hard for us, My daughter and son has 2 and half years difference . 2 year daughter goes to play with 4 years old who does not like at all., Us too. For us, he turned one and two during Covid, and while I made some honest attempts to look into it and get him help during those first years, I was only met with false reassurance., Same here., Yes, in reflecting on your comment, my youngest helped my oldest (autistic) accelerate in terms of communication. Definitely a benefit of having two kiddos who can create their own bond and model each other! (Sometimes not a benefit but overall, mostly good!), Yes! Same thing happened, our kids are 19 months apart, Have you tried clonidine before bed? My daughter is the same- terrible terible sleep and melatonin backfires and she has never slept longer than 6 hours… we have her on a very low dose of liquid prozac and we crush up a tablet of clonidine and mix it with water before bed and my baby girl is calm!!!!! She is CALM at bedtime. I hate to promote medications because they work different for every child. But this one is working for us!!!! She seems legitimately happier during the day lately too. Im so very sorry for your loss. Your kids are so so lucky to have you., I’m so sorry for your loss. I am glad you have support. Your children are lucky to have such a committed remaining parent., Yes, same. I am talking to my newborn constantly since that is all I am doing with my first to encourage speech and the three of us are always together on the floor or reading a book, Yes!!! Call the therapy place and say you just need a little breather to adjust with the new baby. I did that with mine and that lowered my personal stress a lot. Theres TONS of stuff to do at home with ASD kids that is the same as going to therapy. You can only do what you can!!! Babies are happier around happy moms. Fact. Lol, Hi there, just a bit off the topic, but what is his level now? How is his speech? I understand the siblings will be taking care of him, what is his social level, does he have work? Great family though! Must be lucky to be surrounded like this, Yes my son is level 3 so it wasn’t subtle. He needs significant support which is hard to give him with a newborn. We are struggling. My pediatrician mentioned the songs are more subtle with lower support needs, Yes, just wish there were was more awareness about not pointing by 1 being a marker and things like that instead of oh boys are just slower to develop and shy like his pediatrician originally said. No he has severe autism, that’s why he doesn’t point. He seems social but only when you’re animated to entertain him., Thank you. I think I just needed to vent, I feel a bit better now but holy. My husband is getting a vasectomy next week. I love my two boys more than anything., My next son is most likely ASD based on genetic tests. We are worried what will happen to them when we pass. We are doing everything we can though to try and set them up financially after we’re gone, We got the false reassurance too because my son made great eye contact etc, Yes false reassurance , I’m also kicking myself since we have no family and we knew even one child would be hard but once he started being such a joy at 6 months we were like omgosh yes let’s have another at a year. Got pregnant right away, and that was that. If it had of taken us a year to get pregnant like it did my first we would have been fine since we would have probably known something was up by then. It’s just all so backwards, Me three! 👋, Same for my son and daughter, they helped each other so much!, When you get too tired of talking and reading “vooks” on youtube is your BEST friend. Its just a bunch of short kid stories and they are very entertaining and well done. My five year old is an incredibly proficient reader and its seriously from storytime vooks on freaking youtube 😂😂😂, He was diagnosed under the old dsm so on paper he has classical autism, but he is solidly a level 3, and has always been. He is non-verbal, no functional language at all. Not potty trained and he has a profound intellectual disability. He does not, and can not work. As for social level, I am not sure what that means but he is incredibly affectionate on his own terms and enjoys interacting with people. He is a total love. My kids are absolutely the best and I am the luckiest mom to have all of them., Look into respite. Baby wear. Have you and your husband each take a kid for 1/2 day on the weekends and do something. Then switch the next weekend. Are you breastfeeding? Supplement if you need to for your mental health. Hang in there. Find a support group. Is your son in public school or ABA? Put him in both if you can. It WILL get easier but it’s really really fucking hard for a while., I am pregnant now and my son, 16 months, is on a waitlist for autism evaluation. When we started trying for our second we were hoping he may just be mildly affected but it appears more likely that he will have greater needs. We decided to stop trying but by that point I was already pregnant. I am scared, but I also hope that a positive sibling relationship will eventually develop. I also know I would regret never having tried for a second, although the age gap they will have (around two years) is not ideal in terms of caring for both. I am going to have to rely on family and friends more and not put as much pressure on myself to do everything., You definitely don't have to share but im curious what kind of genetic testing can tell you this about future kids? Was it something found in your son and you or your partner?, Yes. He was a great babbler and made intense eye contact. My whole family tree and all the docs thought I was crazy., I can relate so much to going through all these what ifs in my head. It's hard., Fourth here, Understood.. thanks for sharing, and give him a big hug. Kids are always a blessing., what was his signs as a toddler? my daughter is autistic but we don’t know what level she is, sending you all best wishes x, So he’s in public daycare because in Canada In my province there is a 6 year wait for any funding or services. We have a program called all kids belong that checks in once in a while at daycare but there has been nothing much to come out of that, basically they just try and make the daycare understand so he doesn’t get kicked out, Just fyi a lot can happen in 2 years My son at 2 years old was non-verbal and head banging. Skip to today at the age of 4 and he is communicating and the self-injury has stopped. He does have other issues like meltdowns over small things. I don’t have other kids but now I wish I did as I believe the consistent interaction could teach him so much about interpersonal relationships. But I know my limits and if I gave another ASD kid I may end up having a nervous breakdown., Fragile x. chD8 were the conclusive ones, just in me. My brother just had a kid too same time as me and they are also on spectrum but it’s just not as obvious because they pointed and language recessed, so hopefully the language comes back., Yep. Level 3 kiddo over here too, so many people said oh it must be really mild if so. He does no gestures and has 15 words that are gone now, have tantrums and will only eat dry crunchy foods, no it’s not mild…, fifth, It’s so hard living with not knowing what the future can bring. It is encouraging that your son has made such huge progress. My son is making small gains, and I hope over time this will turn into more noticeable progress. I also am not sure how I will cope if the child I am pregnant with now ends up with significant delays or autism, but I’m going to have to figure it out. Therapy is helping me, at least a tiny bit.

So this happened today when my 4 year old threw a tantrum

My 4 year old was diagnosed with mild autism. Normally when he throws a tantrum, I don't like to ignore him and try to calm him down. Today he was just out of control and hitting my face and I just ignored him. Let him cry. Guess what? He cried his soul out and 2 mins later, he got up went downstairs starts playing and laughing as if in a perfectly good mood. I am starting to think that his tantrum had nothing to do with autism and was just a normal toddler tantrum. Thoughts? Could it really be that the tantrums are not autism related? He normally doesn't throw those tantrums but they do happen every now and then.

Autism is such a broad term for a range of different peoples experiences, probably why so many call it a spectrum. It could have simply been a tantrum like every other kid experiences or could have been he was disregulated and he found a coping mechanism or way to deal with it. It's just one of those things you keep an eye on, like you would with any child, My toddler is autistic and has meltdowns. But he’s still a toddler and does toddler things, including tantrums! You’ll be able to tell the difference between a meltdown and a tantrum before long x, My 8-year-old had toddler tantrums at that age. He also had (and still has) meltdowns connected to emotions, sensory issues, and not being able to communicate his needs/wants/etc. He has times when he needs to cry and then he's back to playing within 5-10 minutes., Could be. My preschooler doesn't have meltdowns, but he has plenty of tantrums. As I understand the difference, a tantrum has an immediate cause, usually the kid not getting what they want. Like, he wants marshmallows, I say no, and he cries and yells. If I gave him the marshmallows, he would calm down in an instant. That's a classic tantrum. Also, if you imitate him having the tantrum, he normally finds it hilarious and stops. Lol. A meltdown is when the kid experiences some sort of overload and doesn't know how to deal with it. If my son had them, I could give him all the marshmallows in the world and it wouldn't stop him from being upset. So, if you can identify something straightforward that triggered it and something that would likely stop it, that is probably a tantrum., Yeah if it was a meltdown it would have taken a lot longer than 2 minutes to calm down., My three-year-old daughter quite often has tantrums over meltdowns. The only way I seem to be able to tell the difference myself is in her response as her tantrums can sometimes be extreme. If she’s in meltdown you won’t get a response in a tantrum if I start talking to her softly or offer a hug or something like that she will give me a response of some kind. She is also very affectionate and will seek affection after a meltdown but never during one. I learnt very quickly to not try to touch her during meltdown as it only made it worse for her and resulted in a few injuries for me., My level 2 non verbal boy never has tantrums. He can have sensory overload (haircut and hair washing) but we don’t meltdown, he doesn’t even like it when other kids meltdown and will shush them or he’ll walk away with the stink face. It’s a spectrum for a reason they are all different plus there is a ton of overlap between toddler behavior and autistic behaviors. When mine gets overloaded (not tantrums, but lots of stimming) he doesn’t want to be soothed by me he wants alone time, preferably in his bed, with his tablet. When he’s good he comes out and then wants cuddles., I usually try to comfort my son with various methods and if nothing works then I do leave him alone. I stay in the room with him though and make myself available if he decides he wants snuggles. I think sometimes they need to get the emotions out and then are able to regulate., For my 7 year old he usually has a build up over several days/weeks. We can see him getting worked up, more and more agitated, but eventually he gets to a point where he just explodes and needs a good ugly cry that lasts a long while. Afterwards he’s like a whole new happy kid until the next build., It's hard. Sometimes they need something. Sometimes they act out for attention. Sometimes they're just wound up., Can you elaborate? I’m not sure I can tell the difference. I have a 5 yo., Mine was same, had both. Tantrums were generally “performative” to show he was upset, meltdowns he was truly unable to control. It took some time to be able to identify which was which and how to respond to each, and ways to prevent the meltdowns., Thank you. That's helpful. By your definitions, I guess mine never has meltdowns. Only tantrums., It’s hard to explain because it’s child specific. It’s just a vibe plus it’s usually because he wants something he can’t have right now like another chocolate pot. Sometimes he’ll have a tantrum and can’t calm down THEN it becomes a meltdown because he’s just so worked up and he starts hurting himself. But generally I just give him physical comfort like squeezing him and he starts calming down and we move on., I'll add to this by saying, that for my 7 y/o, it took a while for me to tell the difference as well because both meltdown or tantrum was the same level of immediate explosiveness. I realized after a while I had visceral reactions and thought it had to be a meltdown. Took me some time to adjust to that's just the level my kid is always going to be at when they explode. With that in mind, I've had more tantrums turn meltdowns than straight meltdowns. Hope this helps!, Whereas a meltdown is generally because he’s so over stimulated/ disregulated. Such as an hour ago he woke up (it’s currently 3:45am here) completely disregulated, screaming for no PHYSICAL reason. Hes not dirty, he’s full, he’s not thirsty, doesn’t want comforting. Just feeling out of his own control. Eventually we’ve managed to get him into the shower (regulation activity for him) and that didn’t help. He’s thrown up (a very common occurrence for us during a meltdown) and now over an hour later he is finally starting to calm down and is watching his iPad. Hes stopped screaming, his breathing has calmed, and he’ll probably start vocal stimming soon which is a good sign for him. I’ll try him with squeezes soon., Update: he’s now flapping and stimming. Excellent sign of being more regulated, You are clearly very in tune with your boy. Well done mumma, he's lucky to have you., It’s all incredibly stressful and tiring lol but thank you xx wish I could know exactly what it is that upsets him so much, Autism is such a broad term for a range of different peoples experiences, probably why so many call it a spectrum. It could have simply been a tantrum like every other kid experiences or could have been he was disregulated and he found a coping mechanism or way to deal with it. It's just one of those things you keep an eye on, like you would with any child, My toddler is autistic and has meltdowns. But he’s still a toddler and does toddler things, including tantrums! You’ll be able to tell the difference between a meltdown and a tantrum before long x, My 8-year-old had toddler tantrums at that age. He also had (and still has) meltdowns connected to emotions, sensory issues, and not being able to communicate his needs/wants/etc. He has times when he needs to cry and then he's back to playing within 5-10 minutes., Could be. My preschooler doesn't have meltdowns, but he has plenty of tantrums. As I understand the difference, a tantrum has an immediate cause, usually the kid not getting what they want. Like, he wants marshmallows, I say no, and he cries and yells. If I gave him the marshmallows, he would calm down in an instant. That's a classic tantrum. Also, if you imitate him having the tantrum, he normally finds it hilarious and stops. Lol. A meltdown is when the kid experiences some sort of overload and doesn't know how to deal with it. If my son had them, I could give him all the marshmallows in the world and it wouldn't stop him from being upset. So, if you can identify something straightforward that triggered it and something that would likely stop it, that is probably a tantrum., Yeah if it was a meltdown it would have taken a lot longer than 2 minutes to calm down., My three-year-old daughter quite often has tantrums over meltdowns. The only way I seem to be able to tell the difference myself is in her response as her tantrums can sometimes be extreme. If she’s in meltdown you won’t get a response in a tantrum if I start talking to her softly or offer a hug or something like that she will give me a response of some kind. She is also very affectionate and will seek affection after a meltdown but never during one. I learnt very quickly to not try to touch her during meltdown as it only made it worse for her and resulted in a few injuries for me., My level 2 non verbal boy never has tantrums. He can have sensory overload (haircut and hair washing) but we don’t meltdown, he doesn’t even like it when other kids meltdown and will shush them or he’ll walk away with the stink face. It’s a spectrum for a reason they are all different plus there is a ton of overlap between toddler behavior and autistic behaviors. When mine gets overloaded (not tantrums, but lots of stimming) he doesn’t want to be soothed by me he wants alone time, preferably in his bed, with his tablet. When he’s good he comes out and then wants cuddles., I usually try to comfort my son with various methods and if nothing works then I do leave him alone. I stay in the room with him though and make myself available if he decides he wants snuggles. I think sometimes they need to get the emotions out and then are able to regulate., For my 7 year old he usually has a build up over several days/weeks. We can see him getting worked up, more and more agitated, but eventually he gets to a point where he just explodes and needs a good ugly cry that lasts a long while. Afterwards he’s like a whole new happy kid until the next build., It's hard. Sometimes they need something. Sometimes they act out for attention. Sometimes they're just wound up., Can you elaborate? I’m not sure I can tell the difference. I have a 5 yo., Mine was same, had both. Tantrums were generally “performative” to show he was upset, meltdowns he was truly unable to control. It took some time to be able to identify which was which and how to respond to each, and ways to prevent the meltdowns., Thank you. That's helpful. By your definitions, I guess mine never has meltdowns. Only tantrums., It’s hard to explain because it’s child specific. It’s just a vibe plus it’s usually because he wants something he can’t have right now like another chocolate pot. Sometimes he’ll have a tantrum and can’t calm down THEN it becomes a meltdown because he’s just so worked up and he starts hurting himself. But generally I just give him physical comfort like squeezing him and he starts calming down and we move on., I'll add to this by saying, that for my 7 y/o, it took a while for me to tell the difference as well because both meltdown or tantrum was the same level of immediate explosiveness. I realized after a while I had visceral reactions and thought it had to be a meltdown. Took me some time to adjust to that's just the level my kid is always going to be at when they explode. With that in mind, I've had more tantrums turn meltdowns than straight meltdowns. Hope this helps!, Whereas a meltdown is generally because he’s so over stimulated/ disregulated. Such as an hour ago he woke up (it’s currently 3:45am here) completely disregulated, screaming for no PHYSICAL reason. Hes not dirty, he’s full, he’s not thirsty, doesn’t want comforting. Just feeling out of his own control. Eventually we’ve managed to get him into the shower (regulation activity for him) and that didn’t help. He’s thrown up (a very common occurrence for us during a meltdown) and now over an hour later he is finally starting to calm down and is watching his iPad. Hes stopped screaming, his breathing has calmed, and he’ll probably start vocal stimming soon which is a good sign for him. I’ll try him with squeezes soon., Update: he’s now flapping and stimming. Excellent sign of being more regulated, You are clearly very in tune with your boy. Well done mumma, he's lucky to have you., It’s all incredibly stressful and tiring lol but thank you xx wish I could know exactly what it is that upsets him so much, Autism is such a broad term for a range of different peoples experiences, probably why so many call it a spectrum. It could have simply been a tantrum like every other kid experiences or could have been he was disregulated and he found a coping mechanism or way to deal with it. It's just one of those things you keep an eye on, like you would with any child, My toddler is autistic and has meltdowns. But he’s still a toddler and does toddler things, including tantrums! You’ll be able to tell the difference between a meltdown and a tantrum before long x, My 8-year-old had toddler tantrums at that age. He also had (and still has) meltdowns connected to emotions, sensory issues, and not being able to communicate his needs/wants/etc. He has times when he needs to cry and then he's back to playing within 5-10 minutes., Could be. My preschooler doesn't have meltdowns, but he has plenty of tantrums. As I understand the difference, a tantrum has an immediate cause, usually the kid not getting what they want. Like, he wants marshmallows, I say no, and he cries and yells. If I gave him the marshmallows, he would calm down in an instant. That's a classic tantrum. Also, if you imitate him having the tantrum, he normally finds it hilarious and stops. Lol. A meltdown is when the kid experiences some sort of overload and doesn't know how to deal with it. If my son had them, I could give him all the marshmallows in the world and it wouldn't stop him from being upset. So, if you can identify something straightforward that triggered it and something that would likely stop it, that is probably a tantrum., Yeah if it was a meltdown it would have taken a lot longer than 2 minutes to calm down., My three-year-old daughter quite often has tantrums over meltdowns. The only way I seem to be able to tell the difference myself is in her response as her tantrums can sometimes be extreme. If she’s in meltdown you won’t get a response in a tantrum if I start talking to her softly or offer a hug or something like that she will give me a response of some kind. She is also very affectionate and will seek affection after a meltdown but never during one. I learnt very quickly to not try to touch her during meltdown as it only made it worse for her and resulted in a few injuries for me., My level 2 non verbal boy never has tantrums. He can have sensory overload (haircut and hair washing) but we don’t meltdown, he doesn’t even like it when other kids meltdown and will shush them or he’ll walk away with the stink face. It’s a spectrum for a reason they are all different plus there is a ton of overlap between toddler behavior and autistic behaviors. When mine gets overloaded (not tantrums, but lots of stimming) he doesn’t want to be soothed by me he wants alone time, preferably in his bed, with his tablet. When he’s good he comes out and then wants cuddles., I usually try to comfort my son with various methods and if nothing works then I do leave him alone. I stay in the room with him though and make myself available if he decides he wants snuggles. I think sometimes they need to get the emotions out and then are able to regulate., For my 7 year old he usually has a build up over several days/weeks. We can see him getting worked up, more and more agitated, but eventually he gets to a point where he just explodes and needs a good ugly cry that lasts a long while. Afterwards he’s like a whole new happy kid until the next build., It's hard. Sometimes they need something. Sometimes they act out for attention. Sometimes they're just wound up., Can you elaborate? I’m not sure I can tell the difference. I have a 5 yo., Mine was same, had both. Tantrums were generally “performative” to show he was upset, meltdowns he was truly unable to control. It took some time to be able to identify which was which and how to respond to each, and ways to prevent the meltdowns., Thank you. That's helpful. By your definitions, I guess mine never has meltdowns. Only tantrums., It’s hard to explain because it’s child specific. It’s just a vibe plus it’s usually because he wants something he can’t have right now like another chocolate pot. Sometimes he’ll have a tantrum and can’t calm down THEN it becomes a meltdown because he’s just so worked up and he starts hurting himself. But generally I just give him physical comfort like squeezing him and he starts calming down and we move on., I'll add to this by saying, that for my 7 y/o, it took a while for me to tell the difference as well because both meltdown or tantrum was the same level of immediate explosiveness. I realized after a while I had visceral reactions and thought it had to be a meltdown. Took me some time to adjust to that's just the level my kid is always going to be at when they explode. With that in mind, I've had more tantrums turn meltdowns than straight meltdowns. Hope this helps!, Whereas a meltdown is generally because he’s so over stimulated/ disregulated. Such as an hour ago he woke up (it’s currently 3:45am here) completely disregulated, screaming for no PHYSICAL reason. Hes not dirty, he’s full, he’s not thirsty, doesn’t want comforting. Just feeling out of his own control. Eventually we’ve managed to get him into the shower (regulation activity for him) and that didn’t help. He’s thrown up (a very common occurrence for us during a meltdown) and now over an hour later he is finally starting to calm down and is watching his iPad. Hes stopped screaming, his breathing has calmed, and he’ll probably start vocal stimming soon which is a good sign for him. I’ll try him with squeezes soon., Update: he’s now flapping and stimming. Excellent sign of being more regulated, You are clearly very in tune with your boy. Well done mumma, he's lucky to have you., It’s all incredibly stressful and tiring lol but thank you xx wish I could know exactly what it is that upsets him so much, Autism is such a broad term for a range of different peoples experiences, probably why so many call it a spectrum. It could have simply been a tantrum like every other kid experiences or could have been he was disregulated and he found a coping mechanism or way to deal with it. It's just one of those things you keep an eye on, like you would with any child, My toddler is autistic and has meltdowns. But he’s still a toddler and does toddler things, including tantrums! You’ll be able to tell the difference between a meltdown and a tantrum before long x, My 8-year-old had toddler tantrums at that age. He also had (and still has) meltdowns connected to emotions, sensory issues, and not being able to communicate his needs/wants/etc. He has times when he needs to cry and then he's back to playing within 5-10 minutes., Could be. My preschooler doesn't have meltdowns, but he has plenty of tantrums. As I understand the difference, a tantrum has an immediate cause, usually the kid not getting what they want. Like, he wants marshmallows, I say no, and he cries and yells. If I gave him the marshmallows, he would calm down in an instant. That's a classic tantrum. Also, if you imitate him having the tantrum, he normally finds it hilarious and stops. Lol. A meltdown is when the kid experiences some sort of overload and doesn't know how to deal with it. If my son had them, I could give him all the marshmallows in the world and it wouldn't stop him from being upset. So, if you can identify something straightforward that triggered it and something that would likely stop it, that is probably a tantrum., Yeah if it was a meltdown it would have taken a lot longer than 2 minutes to calm down., My three-year-old daughter quite often has tantrums over meltdowns. The only way I seem to be able to tell the difference myself is in her response as her tantrums can sometimes be extreme. If she’s in meltdown you won’t get a response in a tantrum if I start talking to her softly or offer a hug or something like that she will give me a response of some kind. She is also very affectionate and will seek affection after a meltdown but never during one. I learnt very quickly to not try to touch her during meltdown as it only made it worse for her and resulted in a few injuries for me., My level 2 non verbal boy never has tantrums. He can have sensory overload (haircut and hair washing) but we don’t meltdown, he doesn’t even like it when other kids meltdown and will shush them or he’ll walk away with the stink face. It’s a spectrum for a reason they are all different plus there is a ton of overlap between toddler behavior and autistic behaviors. When mine gets overloaded (not tantrums, but lots of stimming) he doesn’t want to be soothed by me he wants alone time, preferably in his bed, with his tablet. When he’s good he comes out and then wants cuddles., I usually try to comfort my son with various methods and if nothing works then I do leave him alone. I stay in the room with him though and make myself available if he decides he wants snuggles. I think sometimes they need to get the emotions out and then are able to regulate., For my 7 year old he usually has a build up over several days/weeks. We can see him getting worked up, more and more agitated, but eventually he gets to a point where he just explodes and needs a good ugly cry that lasts a long while. Afterwards he’s like a whole new happy kid until the next build., It's hard. Sometimes they need something. Sometimes they act out for attention. Sometimes they're just wound up., Can you elaborate? I’m not sure I can tell the difference. I have a 5 yo., Mine was same, had both. Tantrums were generally “performative” to show he was upset, meltdowns he was truly unable to control. It took some time to be able to identify which was which and how to respond to each, and ways to prevent the meltdowns., Thank you. That's helpful. By your definitions, I guess mine never has meltdowns. Only tantrums., It’s hard to explain because it’s child specific. It’s just a vibe plus it’s usually because he wants something he can’t have right now like another chocolate pot. Sometimes he’ll have a tantrum and can’t calm down THEN it becomes a meltdown because he’s just so worked up and he starts hurting himself. But generally I just give him physical comfort like squeezing him and he starts calming down and we move on., I'll add to this by saying, that for my 7 y/o, it took a while for me to tell the difference as well because both meltdown or tantrum was the same level of immediate explosiveness. I realized after a while I had visceral reactions and thought it had to be a meltdown. Took me some time to adjust to that's just the level my kid is always going to be at when they explode. With that in mind, I've had more tantrums turn meltdowns than straight meltdowns. Hope this helps!, Whereas a meltdown is generally because he’s so over stimulated/ disregulated. Such as an hour ago he woke up (it’s currently 3:45am here) completely disregulated, screaming for no PHYSICAL reason. Hes not dirty, he’s full, he’s not thirsty, doesn’t want comforting. Just feeling out of his own control. Eventually we’ve managed to get him into the shower (regulation activity for him) and that didn’t help. He’s thrown up (a very common occurrence for us during a meltdown) and now over an hour later he is finally starting to calm down and is watching his iPad. Hes stopped screaming, his breathing has calmed, and he’ll probably start vocal stimming soon which is a good sign for him. I’ll try him with squeezes soon., Update: he’s now flapping and stimming. Excellent sign of being more regulated, You are clearly very in tune with your boy. Well done mumma, he's lucky to have you., It’s all incredibly stressful and tiring lol but thank you xx wish I could know exactly what it is that upsets him so much

Soft play centre turned my son away because he couldn’t stand to wear a wrist band due to sensory issues…

My son is 8 years old and diagnosed ASD. He is a sweet, bright and kind little boy who has a difficult time leaving the house. One thing he does LOVE to do is visit one local soft play centre with his best friend. It’s amazing to watch my usually quiet, serious boy running around, laughing and playing like children should. It’s the only place I really see him do that. Every week, I take him and his friend to the same play centre. Due to his sensory issues, he can’t stand the feeling of anything touching his wrists (cuffed jumpers or coats, bracelets or watches…) and the play centre request that children wear a wrist band. Usually I explain why he can’t and it’s no problem for me to hold it instead, it’s only to prove payment. Today however, they told him that if he did not wear a wrist band, he was not coming in. Despite my explanation and the fact that it’s never been an issue on any of our other visits, they were not budging. Fearful of breaking the rules, he got upset and asked to leave. He said he never wants to go back. He was heartbroken. They said there is a day once a month for “special needs kids” when they “blow bubbles and stuff” and to bring him back then. I feel so sad for him and angry with them. Were they in the wrong? I would like to make a complaint and ask them to apologise to him but I’m not sure if I have a leg to stand on.

I would definitely call and ask to speak to a supervisor, but I’d not approach it as a complaint. Just explain how your son loves it there, but has autism and cannot wear a wristband. Which was never a problem until recently. And you were wondering if there was a policy change or if there can be a workaround. I’m sorry. I hope this 1 bad experience doesn’t ruin the place for your son permanently., Sounds like a jobsworth on a power trip. I would contact the manager/ owner directly and explain you're a long time loyal customer and how your son was treated was not acceptable. It breaks my heart our kid's worlds are already so small with restrictions we don't need unnecessary ones like this piled on top, Yes they were especially if they have allowed this on previous occasions and if it's just to prove admission then who cares? At our local pool Kids over 5 have to wear fluro wristbands so lifeguards can easily spot them, I get not being able to be flexible with this rule at the pool but in your case if it really is just to prove admission then yes they are being unreasonable., I thought its our kids who are supposed to be the rigid ones?, They were wrong, in the fact that they are ignorant a$$holes, but I cannot say whether they were legally wrong. I want to commiserate with you over our kiddos having a negative experience at a really great place and never wanting to go back. This is such a problem for us lately, and even if I called and got them to somehow compromise and allow us in without the stupid wristband, he would still refuse to go back. So, I’m really sorry for you., Would the staff be open to your kiddo wearing it on his ankle or somehow on his sleeve instead? I’ve threaded bracelets through the neck and sleeve hole of a tshirt for showing which team a kid is on in sports, maybe that could be an alternative?, Why couldn’t he have the wrist ban linked on an article of clothing? For my kid we bring her in overalls and hook the band on the suspenders. I would maybe approach management, explain and ask them what’s the plan for different needs individuals. I understand if they need it to be visible on the child, but what if a child who wanted to use the center didn’t have arms?, Ugh. They were wrong to be so rigid and unaccommodating. "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds." -Ralph Waldo Emerson., when i take my son to the indoor playground they put it on the back if his shirt ...that sucks they gave u guys a hard time, Yeah I’d definitely complain and leave a bad google review. My daughter won’t wear wristbands either and it’s not even a problem at medical offices. That’s pretty extreme for a play place., I would ask to speak to a manager and nicely explain what happened and ask if they can make a concession, belt loop, shoelace, etc. If they say no, then I would take it to social media. Usually I don’t advocate for blowing a place up, but it’s effective, especially when they are excluding your child for being different. A couple years ago in my area a local restaurant known for country cooking and the oldest, crankiest waitresses on the planet absolutely refused to allow an autistic kid with severe food texture issues to bring in another meal to eat from McDonald’s while his family ate and the waitresses were super rude about it. They took it to social media and the place absolutely got named and shamed. They publicly apologized, the local food inspectors group chimed in and said that you can bring outside food into a restaurant as long as you’re eating it yourself (they claimed that was illegal), and generally public opinion of them forced them to be a little more inclusive., would he be able to wear the wristband somewhere on his person? ankle, belt loop, etc.? Otherwise asking to speak to the supervisor and just inquiring about policy might be a good idea - might the staff have been young/newly trained? Rules like this can be drilled into new staff fairly strictly (kids MUST wear a wristband on their person or you cant let them in!), and they're often more fearful of breaking rules. If that was the case, maybe they could change their training to mention exceptions like your son to this rule., Naw, that’s bs. We go to a trampoline park and just put the wrist band on the back of my son and no one has an issue., 100% call and talk to a supervisor. We go all the time to those places and they always let us wear our sons!, Give them a bad Google and Yelp review and try putting it on his ankle or belt loop next time. That person was being an asshole., That's bullshit imo. My son won't wear wristbands either. We usually stick it to the back of his shirt and nobody's ever had a problem., It’s frustrating and that’s a weird place to enforce wristbands. They will continue to be an issue especially as so many places use them. We went through this and my husband let my son have his tantrum at the car until the wristband wasn’t an issue. Sometimes they just have to work through their anxiety. It’s worth it to not miss out on everything. As he is much older at eight maybe due this at home. Have him practice wearing a wristband., Why wouldnt they just offer a stamp option for special needs kids? That is ridiculous. Considering that they already allowed you to do it, I would demand they either continue or compromise (like the stamp)., Facebook and Google reviews can be your best friend, Put a vest over his top and get them to attach it around the shoulder of the vest., Could you maybe attach the wrist band to a different place, like on his shoe laces or something? Maybe on his shirt with a safety pin?, It sounds like they got a new manager and someone got in trouble from the previous week if it was never a problem before. I recommend you called the place and asked for a manager and have them explain to you why it was never a problem before, but it is a problem now. Don’t even bother talking to one of the employees just straight off the bat ask for a manager., Ugh, that’s so sad and frustrating. We go to play centers often and, although there is sometimes an initial balk, I always end up just wearing both myself. I agree with contacting the management to clarify the official policy - even if it just means that the next family to come in with this issue (which will happen!) gets a consistent experience, Monsters. Call and speak to a manager and let them know what happened. They should allow him to have it stuck to the back of his shirt or let you carry it. You have every leg to stand on. To be spoken to in such a dismissive fashion and with clear disregard for any respect or understanding of the situation they need to be held accountable. That is unacceptable in this day and age. Or leave them a negative review online and notify every media outlet you can think of about their policy of exclusion and discrimination., Let’s all leave 1 star reviews! But seriously. We ride at dawn. Give us the details. We got this, Give me their name I will write a bad review, This was discriminatory conduct. And unnecessary discrimination that couldn't be defended. You can make a discrimination claim under the Equality Act. I would contact the centre. I'd also explain that if you do not get an acceptable and apologetic response recognising their inappropriate conduct that you'll pursue via the courts. Lay it on thick! https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/discrimination/taking-action-about-discrimination/what-do-you-need-to-show-the-court-in-a-discrimination-claim/#:~:text=The%20law%20which%20says%20you,claim%20in%20the%20civil%20courts., They are fucking idiots, is it sooooo hard to accomodate a child? It is a stupid bracelet ! Is it so difficult to close the eyes? It is not breaking a rule, my little also hates those bracelets so what ? There is nothing you have done wrong. They are just plain idiots, with zero empathy., This is a disability rights issue. Pure and simple., Absolutely! Call and ask to speak with a manager. Those employees absolutely should be made to apologize, especially for that little comment at the end about bringing him on the bubble day. That is so insulting. If they do not make it right, I would leave bad reviews everywhere, and write something nasty on social media and tag them. Blow them up, they deserve some negative attention for that. There is no reason they can't make a small, reasonable accommodation for him. They are just being gross. I feel passionately about advocating for our kids, and people with bad behavior like this absolutely should be called out. This world was not designed for neurodiverse people, and the only way it becomes more comfortable for them is if people advocate loudly. Your son has just as much right to enjoy himself there as anybody else, stupid paper wristband or not., I would make a serious complaint with that place. If someone turned my son away for something he couldn't control such as his autism, I wouldn't shut up about it to their superiors! I'd make a huge stink. Could you take them to court? I feel like you could! AND it might even make them think twice before being insensitive to special needs! Maybe the courts can help fix them. It's not your son that needs fixing. It's places just like THAT that need fixing. But of course that's all AFTER just getting the higher upps. Obviously if there's a quick, easy, and free fix, do that first., I'm so sorry to hear about your son's experience!! It sounds like the center could have handled the situation more sensitively and flexibly. Of course, we get that businesses do have policies in place, but it's equally important for them to accommodate individuals with disabilities. It sounds like it would have been totally appropriate for the staff to make an exception or find an alternative way to verify payment. I would suggest reaching out to the management to express your disappointment and request an alternative way for your son to participate!! Hopefully they can do some staff training on accommodating customers with disabilities to prevent similar incidents in the future., Id be messing up everyone’s day. Cant lie I got a short fuse when it comes to my boy. Go back again and demand the guy apologises and welcomes your son in and let your son be free to do what he wants. Hold your ground and let the strength your son gives you OUT!!!, I think this is great advice. I used to manage movie theaters and there were always exceptions to our rules, it was independent so no corporate. Employees, especially newer ones, would say no out of hand to people because sometimes they just don't understand the situation. Now I work in politics and negotiating is something I wind up doing a lot. I always find that no matter how much you want to unload on people, not that this is what y'all are talking about, it's always good to start out putting yourself on the side of the person your talking to. "I know it's a big responsibility to keep track of all of these kids. Consistency is something that probably heads off a lot of parents that go way over the top asking for exceptions. Your business is actually very therapeutic for my son who doesn't open up a lot. It's actually something that really gets through to him. Is there someway we can come to a "reasonable accommodation?" Of course there is a threat in there, but you've got to bury it so no one's pride is involved., Yes I’d totally have understood if it was a safety measure!, Lol that's kinda what I thought to! I said it's not our kids that need fixing. It's places like that place that truly need to be fixed., We went to Boo at the Zoo last year, they want trick or treating kids to have a bracelet so that they get a special activity and prize. They wouldn't let me wear his band, because they allowed teens and adults to get them too and didn't want confusion. They let us put it on his front belt loop since his shirt didn't hide it., Was going to say the same thing. It’s the same wristband, the sticky part gets placed on his back. Their needs for proof of payment are met. His sensory needs are met. Done., Yea and so are small groups of parents who band together to support our kids who are so much more than blowing bubbles. Drop that name of this center if they don’t help you, this keyboard warrior hasn’t gone off in a minute and I’d love to help., I dont think Most parents would Care about that....i mean having to wear a writsband IS Not a Problem for Most Kids...so they would Go anyway, I guesd somebody from the playground gave me the negative vote :) thanks for that, care to speak other way ?, That was going to be my suggestion. Belt loop works cause it could be easily seen and doesn’t touch his skin., It’s not so much that they have to worry about their kids wearing the wristband, but a business does NOT want somebody telling other people about how they wouldn’t allow a special needs kid to partake in something because of one of the known disabilities associated with their condition. Would they not allow a double amputee to come in? They couldn’t wear the wristband on their wrists either because they no longer have wrists. I guarantee they’d make accommodations for them but turning a child with autism away was easy as can be for them to do., you are missing the part where most NTs dont like autistic people anyway.... and you may downvote me if you like, but its true, I would definitely call and ask to speak to a supervisor, but I’d not approach it as a complaint. Just explain how your son loves it there, but has autism and cannot wear a wristband. Which was never a problem until recently. And you were wondering if there was a policy change or if there can be a workaround. I’m sorry. I hope this 1 bad experience doesn’t ruin the place for your son permanently., Sounds like a jobsworth on a power trip. I would contact the manager/ owner directly and explain you're a long time loyal customer and how your son was treated was not acceptable. It breaks my heart our kid's worlds are already so small with restrictions we don't need unnecessary ones like this piled on top, Yes they were especially if they have allowed this on previous occasions and if it's just to prove admission then who cares? At our local pool Kids over 5 have to wear fluro wristbands so lifeguards can easily spot them, I get not being able to be flexible with this rule at the pool but in your case if it really is just to prove admission then yes they are being unreasonable., I thought its our kids who are supposed to be the rigid ones?, They were wrong, in the fact that they are ignorant a$$holes, but I cannot say whether they were legally wrong. I want to commiserate with you over our kiddos having a negative experience at a really great place and never wanting to go back. This is such a problem for us lately, and even if I called and got them to somehow compromise and allow us in without the stupid wristband, he would still refuse to go back. So, I’m really sorry for you., Would the staff be open to your kiddo wearing it on his ankle or somehow on his sleeve instead? I’ve threaded bracelets through the neck and sleeve hole of a tshirt for showing which team a kid is on in sports, maybe that could be an alternative?, Why couldn’t he have the wrist ban linked on an article of clothing? For my kid we bring her in overalls and hook the band on the suspenders. I would maybe approach management, explain and ask them what’s the plan for different needs individuals. I understand if they need it to be visible on the child, but what if a child who wanted to use the center didn’t have arms?, Ugh. They were wrong to be so rigid and unaccommodating. "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds." -Ralph Waldo Emerson., when i take my son to the indoor playground they put it on the back if his shirt ...that sucks they gave u guys a hard time, Yeah I’d definitely complain and leave a bad google review. My daughter won’t wear wristbands either and it’s not even a problem at medical offices. That’s pretty extreme for a play place., I would ask to speak to a manager and nicely explain what happened and ask if they can make a concession, belt loop, shoelace, etc. If they say no, then I would take it to social media. Usually I don’t advocate for blowing a place up, but it’s effective, especially when they are excluding your child for being different. A couple years ago in my area a local restaurant known for country cooking and the oldest, crankiest waitresses on the planet absolutely refused to allow an autistic kid with severe food texture issues to bring in another meal to eat from McDonald’s while his family ate and the waitresses were super rude about it. They took it to social media and the place absolutely got named and shamed. They publicly apologized, the local food inspectors group chimed in and said that you can bring outside food into a restaurant as long as you’re eating it yourself (they claimed that was illegal), and generally public opinion of them forced them to be a little more inclusive., would he be able to wear the wristband somewhere on his person? ankle, belt loop, etc.? Otherwise asking to speak to the supervisor and just inquiring about policy might be a good idea - might the staff have been young/newly trained? Rules like this can be drilled into new staff fairly strictly (kids MUST wear a wristband on their person or you cant let them in!), and they're often more fearful of breaking rules. If that was the case, maybe they could change their training to mention exceptions like your son to this rule., Naw, that’s bs. We go to a trampoline park and just put the wrist band on the back of my son and no one has an issue., 100% call and talk to a supervisor. We go all the time to those places and they always let us wear our sons!, Give them a bad Google and Yelp review and try putting it on his ankle or belt loop next time. That person was being an asshole., That's bullshit imo. My son won't wear wristbands either. We usually stick it to the back of his shirt and nobody's ever had a problem., It’s frustrating and that’s a weird place to enforce wristbands. They will continue to be an issue especially as so many places use them. We went through this and my husband let my son have his tantrum at the car until the wristband wasn’t an issue. Sometimes they just have to work through their anxiety. It’s worth it to not miss out on everything. As he is much older at eight maybe due this at home. Have him practice wearing a wristband., Why wouldnt they just offer a stamp option for special needs kids? That is ridiculous. Considering that they already allowed you to do it, I would demand they either continue or compromise (like the stamp)., Facebook and Google reviews can be your best friend, Put a vest over his top and get them to attach it around the shoulder of the vest., Could you maybe attach the wrist band to a different place, like on his shoe laces or something? Maybe on his shirt with a safety pin?, It sounds like they got a new manager and someone got in trouble from the previous week if it was never a problem before. I recommend you called the place and asked for a manager and have them explain to you why it was never a problem before, but it is a problem now. Don’t even bother talking to one of the employees just straight off the bat ask for a manager., Ugh, that’s so sad and frustrating. We go to play centers often and, although there is sometimes an initial balk, I always end up just wearing both myself. I agree with contacting the management to clarify the official policy - even if it just means that the next family to come in with this issue (which will happen!) gets a consistent experience, Monsters. Call and speak to a manager and let them know what happened. They should allow him to have it stuck to the back of his shirt or let you carry it. You have every leg to stand on. To be spoken to in such a dismissive fashion and with clear disregard for any respect or understanding of the situation they need to be held accountable. That is unacceptable in this day and age. Or leave them a negative review online and notify every media outlet you can think of about their policy of exclusion and discrimination., Let’s all leave 1 star reviews! But seriously. We ride at dawn. Give us the details. We got this, Give me their name I will write a bad review, This was discriminatory conduct. And unnecessary discrimination that couldn't be defended. You can make a discrimination claim under the Equality Act. I would contact the centre. I'd also explain that if you do not get an acceptable and apologetic response recognising their inappropriate conduct that you'll pursue via the courts. Lay it on thick! https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/discrimination/taking-action-about-discrimination/what-do-you-need-to-show-the-court-in-a-discrimination-claim/#:~:text=The%20law%20which%20says%20you,claim%20in%20the%20civil%20courts., They are fucking idiots, is it sooooo hard to accomodate a child? It is a stupid bracelet ! Is it so difficult to close the eyes? It is not breaking a rule, my little also hates those bracelets so what ? There is nothing you have done wrong. They are just plain idiots, with zero empathy., This is a disability rights issue. Pure and simple., Absolutely! Call and ask to speak with a manager. Those employees absolutely should be made to apologize, especially for that little comment at the end about bringing him on the bubble day. That is so insulting. If they do not make it right, I would leave bad reviews everywhere, and write something nasty on social media and tag them. Blow them up, they deserve some negative attention for that. There is no reason they can't make a small, reasonable accommodation for him. They are just being gross. I feel passionately about advocating for our kids, and people with bad behavior like this absolutely should be called out. This world was not designed for neurodiverse people, and the only way it becomes more comfortable for them is if people advocate loudly. Your son has just as much right to enjoy himself there as anybody else, stupid paper wristband or not., I would make a serious complaint with that place. If someone turned my son away for something he couldn't control such as his autism, I wouldn't shut up about it to their superiors! I'd make a huge stink. Could you take them to court? I feel like you could! AND it might even make them think twice before being insensitive to special needs! Maybe the courts can help fix them. It's not your son that needs fixing. It's places just like THAT that need fixing. But of course that's all AFTER just getting the higher upps. Obviously if there's a quick, easy, and free fix, do that first., I'm so sorry to hear about your son's experience!! It sounds like the center could have handled the situation more sensitively and flexibly. Of course, we get that businesses do have policies in place, but it's equally important for them to accommodate individuals with disabilities. It sounds like it would have been totally appropriate for the staff to make an exception or find an alternative way to verify payment. I would suggest reaching out to the management to express your disappointment and request an alternative way for your son to participate!! Hopefully they can do some staff training on accommodating customers with disabilities to prevent similar incidents in the future., Id be messing up everyone’s day. Cant lie I got a short fuse when it comes to my boy. Go back again and demand the guy apologises and welcomes your son in and let your son be free to do what he wants. Hold your ground and let the strength your son gives you OUT!!!, I think this is great advice. I used to manage movie theaters and there were always exceptions to our rules, it was independent so no corporate. Employees, especially newer ones, would say no out of hand to people because sometimes they just don't understand the situation. Now I work in politics and negotiating is something I wind up doing a lot. I always find that no matter how much you want to unload on people, not that this is what y'all are talking about, it's always good to start out putting yourself on the side of the person your talking to. "I know it's a big responsibility to keep track of all of these kids. Consistency is something that probably heads off a lot of parents that go way over the top asking for exceptions. Your business is actually very therapeutic for my son who doesn't open up a lot. It's actually something that really gets through to him. Is there someway we can come to a "reasonable accommodation?" Of course there is a threat in there, but you've got to bury it so no one's pride is involved., Yes I’d totally have understood if it was a safety measure!, Lol that's kinda what I thought to! I said it's not our kids that need fixing. It's places like that place that truly need to be fixed., We went to Boo at the Zoo last year, they want trick or treating kids to have a bracelet so that they get a special activity and prize. They wouldn't let me wear his band, because they allowed teens and adults to get them too and didn't want confusion. They let us put it on his front belt loop since his shirt didn't hide it., Was going to say the same thing. It’s the same wristband, the sticky part gets placed on his back. Their needs for proof of payment are met. His sensory needs are met. Done., Yea and so are small groups of parents who band together to support our kids who are so much more than blowing bubbles. Drop that name of this center if they don’t help you, this keyboard warrior hasn’t gone off in a minute and I’d love to help., I dont think Most parents would Care about that....i mean having to wear a writsband IS Not a Problem for Most Kids...so they would Go anyway, I guesd somebody from the playground gave me the negative vote :) thanks for that, care to speak other way ?, That was going to be my suggestion. Belt loop works cause it could be easily seen and doesn’t touch his skin., It’s not so much that they have to worry about their kids wearing the wristband, but a business does NOT want somebody telling other people about how they wouldn’t allow a special needs kid to partake in something because of one of the known disabilities associated with their condition. Would they not allow a double amputee to come in? They couldn’t wear the wristband on their wrists either because they no longer have wrists. I guarantee they’d make accommodations for them but turning a child with autism away was easy as can be for them to do., you are missing the part where most NTs dont like autistic people anyway.... and you may downvote me if you like, but its true, I would definitely call and ask to speak to a supervisor, but I’d not approach it as a complaint. Just explain how your son loves it there, but has autism and cannot wear a wristband. Which was never a problem until recently. And you were wondering if there was a policy change or if there can be a workaround. I’m sorry. I hope this 1 bad experience doesn’t ruin the place for your son permanently., Sounds like a jobsworth on a power trip. I would contact the manager/ owner directly and explain you're a long time loyal customer and how your son was treated was not acceptable. It breaks my heart our kid's worlds are already so small with restrictions we don't need unnecessary ones like this piled on top, Yes they were especially if they have allowed this on previous occasions and if it's just to prove admission then who cares? At our local pool Kids over 5 have to wear fluro wristbands so lifeguards can easily spot them, I get not being able to be flexible with this rule at the pool but in your case if it really is just to prove admission then yes they are being unreasonable., I thought its our kids who are supposed to be the rigid ones?, They were wrong, in the fact that they are ignorant a$$holes, but I cannot say whether they were legally wrong. I want to commiserate with you over our kiddos having a negative experience at a really great place and never wanting to go back. This is such a problem for us lately, and even if I called and got them to somehow compromise and allow us in without the stupid wristband, he would still refuse to go back. So, I’m really sorry for you., Would the staff be open to your kiddo wearing it on his ankle or somehow on his sleeve instead? I’ve threaded bracelets through the neck and sleeve hole of a tshirt for showing which team a kid is on in sports, maybe that could be an alternative?, Why couldn’t he have the wrist ban linked on an article of clothing? For my kid we bring her in overalls and hook the band on the suspenders. I would maybe approach management, explain and ask them what’s the plan for different needs individuals. I understand if they need it to be visible on the child, but what if a child who wanted to use the center didn’t have arms?, Ugh. They were wrong to be so rigid and unaccommodating. "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds." -Ralph Waldo Emerson., when i take my son to the indoor playground they put it on the back if his shirt ...that sucks they gave u guys a hard time, Yeah I’d definitely complain and leave a bad google review. My daughter won’t wear wristbands either and it’s not even a problem at medical offices. That’s pretty extreme for a play place., I would ask to speak to a manager and nicely explain what happened and ask if they can make a concession, belt loop, shoelace, etc. If they say no, then I would take it to social media. Usually I don’t advocate for blowing a place up, but it’s effective, especially when they are excluding your child for being different. A couple years ago in my area a local restaurant known for country cooking and the oldest, crankiest waitresses on the planet absolutely refused to allow an autistic kid with severe food texture issues to bring in another meal to eat from McDonald’s while his family ate and the waitresses were super rude about it. They took it to social media and the place absolutely got named and shamed. They publicly apologized, the local food inspectors group chimed in and said that you can bring outside food into a restaurant as long as you’re eating it yourself (they claimed that was illegal), and generally public opinion of them forced them to be a little more inclusive., would he be able to wear the wristband somewhere on his person? ankle, belt loop, etc.? Otherwise asking to speak to the supervisor and just inquiring about policy might be a good idea - might the staff have been young/newly trained? Rules like this can be drilled into new staff fairly strictly (kids MUST wear a wristband on their person or you cant let them in!), and they're often more fearful of breaking rules. If that was the case, maybe they could change their training to mention exceptions like your son to this rule., Naw, that’s bs. We go to a trampoline park and just put the wrist band on the back of my son and no one has an issue., 100% call and talk to a supervisor. We go all the time to those places and they always let us wear our sons!, Give them a bad Google and Yelp review and try putting it on his ankle or belt loop next time. That person was being an asshole., That's bullshit imo. My son won't wear wristbands either. We usually stick it to the back of his shirt and nobody's ever had a problem., It’s frustrating and that’s a weird place to enforce wristbands. They will continue to be an issue especially as so many places use them. We went through this and my husband let my son have his tantrum at the car until the wristband wasn’t an issue. Sometimes they just have to work through their anxiety. It’s worth it to not miss out on everything. As he is much older at eight maybe due this at home. Have him practice wearing a wristband., Why wouldnt they just offer a stamp option for special needs kids? That is ridiculous. Considering that they already allowed you to do it, I would demand they either continue or compromise (like the stamp)., Facebook and Google reviews can be your best friend, Put a vest over his top and get them to attach it around the shoulder of the vest., Could you maybe attach the wrist band to a different place, like on his shoe laces or something? Maybe on his shirt with a safety pin?, It sounds like they got a new manager and someone got in trouble from the previous week if it was never a problem before. I recommend you called the place and asked for a manager and have them explain to you why it was never a problem before, but it is a problem now. Don’t even bother talking to one of the employees just straight off the bat ask for a manager., Ugh, that’s so sad and frustrating. We go to play centers often and, although there is sometimes an initial balk, I always end up just wearing both myself. I agree with contacting the management to clarify the official policy - even if it just means that the next family to come in with this issue (which will happen!) gets a consistent experience, Monsters. Call and speak to a manager and let them know what happened. They should allow him to have it stuck to the back of his shirt or let you carry it. You have every leg to stand on. To be spoken to in such a dismissive fashion and with clear disregard for any respect or understanding of the situation they need to be held accountable. That is unacceptable in this day and age. Or leave them a negative review online and notify every media outlet you can think of about their policy of exclusion and discrimination., Let’s all leave 1 star reviews! But seriously. We ride at dawn. Give us the details. We got this, Give me their name I will write a bad review, This was discriminatory conduct. And unnecessary discrimination that couldn't be defended. You can make a discrimination claim under the Equality Act. I would contact the centre. I'd also explain that if you do not get an acceptable and apologetic response recognising their inappropriate conduct that you'll pursue via the courts. Lay it on thick! https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/discrimination/taking-action-about-discrimination/what-do-you-need-to-show-the-court-in-a-discrimination-claim/#:~:text=The%20law%20which%20says%20you,claim%20in%20the%20civil%20courts., They are fucking idiots, is it sooooo hard to accomodate a child? It is a stupid bracelet ! Is it so difficult to close the eyes? It is not breaking a rule, my little also hates those bracelets so what ? There is nothing you have done wrong. They are just plain idiots, with zero empathy., This is a disability rights issue. Pure and simple., Absolutely! Call and ask to speak with a manager. Those employees absolutely should be made to apologize, especially for that little comment at the end about bringing him on the bubble day. That is so insulting. If they do not make it right, I would leave bad reviews everywhere, and write something nasty on social media and tag them. Blow them up, they deserve some negative attention for that. There is no reason they can't make a small, reasonable accommodation for him. They are just being gross. I feel passionately about advocating for our kids, and people with bad behavior like this absolutely should be called out. This world was not designed for neurodiverse people, and the only way it becomes more comfortable for them is if people advocate loudly. Your son has just as much right to enjoy himself there as anybody else, stupid paper wristband or not., I would make a serious complaint with that place. If someone turned my son away for something he couldn't control such as his autism, I wouldn't shut up about it to their superiors! I'd make a huge stink. Could you take them to court? I feel like you could! AND it might even make them think twice before being insensitive to special needs! Maybe the courts can help fix them. It's not your son that needs fixing. It's places just like THAT that need fixing. But of course that's all AFTER just getting the higher upps. Obviously if there's a quick, easy, and free fix, do that first., I'm so sorry to hear about your son's experience!! It sounds like the center could have handled the situation more sensitively and flexibly. Of course, we get that businesses do have policies in place, but it's equally important for them to accommodate individuals with disabilities. It sounds like it would have been totally appropriate for the staff to make an exception or find an alternative way to verify payment. I would suggest reaching out to the management to express your disappointment and request an alternative way for your son to participate!! Hopefully they can do some staff training on accommodating customers with disabilities to prevent similar incidents in the future., Id be messing up everyone’s day. Cant lie I got a short fuse when it comes to my boy. Go back again and demand the guy apologises and welcomes your son in and let your son be free to do what he wants. Hold your ground and let the strength your son gives you OUT!!!, I think this is great advice. I used to manage movie theaters and there were always exceptions to our rules, it was independent so no corporate. Employees, especially newer ones, would say no out of hand to people because sometimes they just don't understand the situation. Now I work in politics and negotiating is something I wind up doing a lot. I always find that no matter how much you want to unload on people, not that this is what y'all are talking about, it's always good to start out putting yourself on the side of the person your talking to. "I know it's a big responsibility to keep track of all of these kids. Consistency is something that probably heads off a lot of parents that go way over the top asking for exceptions. Your business is actually very therapeutic for my son who doesn't open up a lot. It's actually something that really gets through to him. Is there someway we can come to a "reasonable accommodation?" Of course there is a threat in there, but you've got to bury it so no one's pride is involved., Yes I’d totally have understood if it was a safety measure!, Lol that's kinda what I thought to! I said it's not our kids that need fixing. It's places like that place that truly need to be fixed., We went to Boo at the Zoo last year, they want trick or treating kids to have a bracelet so that they get a special activity and prize. They wouldn't let me wear his band, because they allowed teens and adults to get them too and didn't want confusion. They let us put it on his front belt loop since his shirt didn't hide it., Was going to say the same thing. It’s the same wristband, the sticky part gets placed on his back. Their needs for proof of payment are met. His sensory needs are met. Done., Yea and so are small groups of parents who band together to support our kids who are so much more than blowing bubbles. Drop that name of this center if they don’t help you, this keyboard warrior hasn’t gone off in a minute and I’d love to help., I dont think Most parents would Care about that....i mean having to wear a writsband IS Not a Problem for Most Kids...so they would Go anyway, I guesd somebody from the playground gave me the negative vote :) thanks for that, care to speak other way ?, That was going to be my suggestion. Belt loop works cause it could be easily seen and doesn’t touch his skin., It’s not so much that they have to worry about their kids wearing the wristband, but a business does NOT want somebody telling other people about how they wouldn’t allow a special needs kid to partake in something because of one of the known disabilities associated with their condition. Would they not allow a double amputee to come in? They couldn’t wear the wristband on their wrists either because they no longer have wrists. I guarantee they’d make accommodations for them but turning a child with autism away was easy as can be for them to do., you are missing the part where most NTs dont like autistic people anyway.... and you may downvote me if you like, but its true, I would definitely call and ask to speak to a supervisor, but I’d not approach it as a complaint. Just explain how your son loves it there, but has autism and cannot wear a wristband. Which was never a problem until recently. And you were wondering if there was a policy change or if there can be a workaround. I’m sorry. I hope this 1 bad experience doesn’t ruin the place for your son permanently., Sounds like a jobsworth on a power trip. I would contact the manager/ owner directly and explain you're a long time loyal customer and how your son was treated was not acceptable. It breaks my heart our kid's worlds are already so small with restrictions we don't need unnecessary ones like this piled on top, Yes they were especially if they have allowed this on previous occasions and if it's just to prove admission then who cares? At our local pool Kids over 5 have to wear fluro wristbands so lifeguards can easily spot them, I get not being able to be flexible with this rule at the pool but in your case if it really is just to prove admission then yes they are being unreasonable., I thought its our kids who are supposed to be the rigid ones?, They were wrong, in the fact that they are ignorant a$$holes, but I cannot say whether they were legally wrong. I want to commiserate with you over our kiddos having a negative experience at a really great place and never wanting to go back. This is such a problem for us lately, and even if I called and got them to somehow compromise and allow us in without the stupid wristband, he would still refuse to go back. So, I’m really sorry for you., Would the staff be open to your kiddo wearing it on his ankle or somehow on his sleeve instead? I’ve threaded bracelets through the neck and sleeve hole of a tshirt for showing which team a kid is on in sports, maybe that could be an alternative?, Why couldn’t he have the wrist ban linked on an article of clothing? For my kid we bring her in overalls and hook the band on the suspenders. I would maybe approach management, explain and ask them what’s the plan for different needs individuals. I understand if they need it to be visible on the child, but what if a child who wanted to use the center didn’t have arms?, Ugh. They were wrong to be so rigid and unaccommodating. "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds." -Ralph Waldo Emerson., when i take my son to the indoor playground they put it on the back if his shirt ...that sucks they gave u guys a hard time, Yeah I’d definitely complain and leave a bad google review. My daughter won’t wear wristbands either and it’s not even a problem at medical offices. That’s pretty extreme for a play place., I would ask to speak to a manager and nicely explain what happened and ask if they can make a concession, belt loop, shoelace, etc. If they say no, then I would take it to social media. Usually I don’t advocate for blowing a place up, but it’s effective, especially when they are excluding your child for being different. A couple years ago in my area a local restaurant known for country cooking and the oldest, crankiest waitresses on the planet absolutely refused to allow an autistic kid with severe food texture issues to bring in another meal to eat from McDonald’s while his family ate and the waitresses were super rude about it. They took it to social media and the place absolutely got named and shamed. They publicly apologized, the local food inspectors group chimed in and said that you can bring outside food into a restaurant as long as you’re eating it yourself (they claimed that was illegal), and generally public opinion of them forced them to be a little more inclusive., would he be able to wear the wristband somewhere on his person? ankle, belt loop, etc.? Otherwise asking to speak to the supervisor and just inquiring about policy might be a good idea - might the staff have been young/newly trained? Rules like this can be drilled into new staff fairly strictly (kids MUST wear a wristband on their person or you cant let them in!), and they're often more fearful of breaking rules. If that was the case, maybe they could change their training to mention exceptions like your son to this rule., Naw, that’s bs. We go to a trampoline park and just put the wrist band on the back of my son and no one has an issue., 100% call and talk to a supervisor. We go all the time to those places and they always let us wear our sons!, Give them a bad Google and Yelp review and try putting it on his ankle or belt loop next time. That person was being an asshole., That's bullshit imo. My son won't wear wristbands either. We usually stick it to the back of his shirt and nobody's ever had a problem., It’s frustrating and that’s a weird place to enforce wristbands. They will continue to be an issue especially as so many places use them. We went through this and my husband let my son have his tantrum at the car until the wristband wasn’t an issue. Sometimes they just have to work through their anxiety. It’s worth it to not miss out on everything. As he is much older at eight maybe due this at home. Have him practice wearing a wristband., Why wouldnt they just offer a stamp option for special needs kids? That is ridiculous. Considering that they already allowed you to do it, I would demand they either continue or compromise (like the stamp)., Facebook and Google reviews can be your best friend, Put a vest over his top and get them to attach it around the shoulder of the vest., Could you maybe attach the wrist band to a different place, like on his shoe laces or something? Maybe on his shirt with a safety pin?, It sounds like they got a new manager and someone got in trouble from the previous week if it was never a problem before. I recommend you called the place and asked for a manager and have them explain to you why it was never a problem before, but it is a problem now. Don’t even bother talking to one of the employees just straight off the bat ask for a manager., Ugh, that’s so sad and frustrating. We go to play centers often and, although there is sometimes an initial balk, I always end up just wearing both myself. I agree with contacting the management to clarify the official policy - even if it just means that the next family to come in with this issue (which will happen!) gets a consistent experience, Monsters. Call and speak to a manager and let them know what happened. They should allow him to have it stuck to the back of his shirt or let you carry it. You have every leg to stand on. To be spoken to in such a dismissive fashion and with clear disregard for any respect or understanding of the situation they need to be held accountable. That is unacceptable in this day and age. Or leave them a negative review online and notify every media outlet you can think of about their policy of exclusion and discrimination., Let’s all leave 1 star reviews! But seriously. We ride at dawn. Give us the details. We got this, Give me their name I will write a bad review, This was discriminatory conduct. And unnecessary discrimination that couldn't be defended. You can make a discrimination claim under the Equality Act. I would contact the centre. I'd also explain that if you do not get an acceptable and apologetic response recognising their inappropriate conduct that you'll pursue via the courts. Lay it on thick! https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/discrimination/taking-action-about-discrimination/what-do-you-need-to-show-the-court-in-a-discrimination-claim/#:~:text=The%20law%20which%20says%20you,claim%20in%20the%20civil%20courts., They are fucking idiots, is it sooooo hard to accomodate a child? It is a stupid bracelet ! Is it so difficult to close the eyes? It is not breaking a rule, my little also hates those bracelets so what ? There is nothing you have done wrong. They are just plain idiots, with zero empathy., This is a disability rights issue. Pure and simple., Absolutely! Call and ask to speak with a manager. Those employees absolutely should be made to apologize, especially for that little comment at the end about bringing him on the bubble day. That is so insulting. If they do not make it right, I would leave bad reviews everywhere, and write something nasty on social media and tag them. Blow them up, they deserve some negative attention for that. There is no reason they can't make a small, reasonable accommodation for him. They are just being gross. I feel passionately about advocating for our kids, and people with bad behavior like this absolutely should be called out. This world was not designed for neurodiverse people, and the only way it becomes more comfortable for them is if people advocate loudly. Your son has just as much right to enjoy himself there as anybody else, stupid paper wristband or not., I would make a serious complaint with that place. If someone turned my son away for something he couldn't control such as his autism, I wouldn't shut up about it to their superiors! I'd make a huge stink. Could you take them to court? I feel like you could! AND it might even make them think twice before being insensitive to special needs! Maybe the courts can help fix them. It's not your son that needs fixing. It's places just like THAT that need fixing. But of course that's all AFTER just getting the higher upps. Obviously if there's a quick, easy, and free fix, do that first., I'm so sorry to hear about your son's experience!! It sounds like the center could have handled the situation more sensitively and flexibly. Of course, we get that businesses do have policies in place, but it's equally important for them to accommodate individuals with disabilities. It sounds like it would have been totally appropriate for the staff to make an exception or find an alternative way to verify payment. I would suggest reaching out to the management to express your disappointment and request an alternative way for your son to participate!! Hopefully they can do some staff training on accommodating customers with disabilities to prevent similar incidents in the future., Id be messing up everyone’s day. Cant lie I got a short fuse when it comes to my boy. Go back again and demand the guy apologises and welcomes your son in and let your son be free to do what he wants. Hold your ground and let the strength your son gives you OUT!!!, I think this is great advice. I used to manage movie theaters and there were always exceptions to our rules, it was independent so no corporate. Employees, especially newer ones, would say no out of hand to people because sometimes they just don't understand the situation. Now I work in politics and negotiating is something I wind up doing a lot. I always find that no matter how much you want to unload on people, not that this is what y'all are talking about, it's always good to start out putting yourself on the side of the person your talking to. "I know it's a big responsibility to keep track of all of these kids. Consistency is something that probably heads off a lot of parents that go way over the top asking for exceptions. Your business is actually very therapeutic for my son who doesn't open up a lot. It's actually something that really gets through to him. Is there someway we can come to a "reasonable accommodation?" Of course there is a threat in there, but you've got to bury it so no one's pride is involved., Yes I’d totally have understood if it was a safety measure!, Lol that's kinda what I thought to! I said it's not our kids that need fixing. It's places like that place that truly need to be fixed., We went to Boo at the Zoo last year, they want trick or treating kids to have a bracelet so that they get a special activity and prize. They wouldn't let me wear his band, because they allowed teens and adults to get them too and didn't want confusion. They let us put it on his front belt loop since his shirt didn't hide it., Was going to say the same thing. It’s the same wristband, the sticky part gets placed on his back. Their needs for proof of payment are met. His sensory needs are met. Done., Yea and so are small groups of parents who band together to support our kids who are so much more than blowing bubbles. Drop that name of this center if they don’t help you, this keyboard warrior hasn’t gone off in a minute and I’d love to help., I dont think Most parents would Care about that....i mean having to wear a writsband IS Not a Problem for Most Kids...so they would Go anyway, I guesd somebody from the playground gave me the negative vote :) thanks for that, care to speak other way ?, That was going to be my suggestion. Belt loop works cause it could be easily seen and doesn’t touch his skin., It’s not so much that they have to worry about their kids wearing the wristband, but a business does NOT want somebody telling other people about how they wouldn’t allow a special needs kid to partake in something because of one of the known disabilities associated with their condition. Would they not allow a double amputee to come in? They couldn’t wear the wristband on their wrists either because they no longer have wrists. I guarantee they’d make accommodations for them but turning a child with autism away was easy as can be for them to do., you are missing the part where most NTs dont like autistic people anyway.... and you may downvote me if you like, but its true

Sometimes i wish my 14yr old son was 4 again and my worries about him where only about his speech.

I received a bs email from his teacher expressing how my son refused to do a push up and he was basically yelled at in-front of his peers he felt so embarrassed and upset he tried to hide but ended up yelling at a aid . I was so upset that i was ready to ground him for his actions. He gets home in tears eye blood shot red and tells me how he hates being autistic and wishes he was never born because he was a mistake and the teacher make it clear they dislike him. He went on to tell me he wished death upon himself. This broke me into a million pieces. I hate that he was the happiest boy prior to starting high school and now he is so miserable at his high school. A part of me wants to just go flip the school off and move my son to a new school. But that may not change anything.

Why would the teacher yell at him in front of his peers for not doing a push up. This does not seem a reasonable way to handle this. Honestly, (and I’m saying this as a teacher) who really cares if a student does not do a push up. Pick your battles. I would be asking what adjustments and accommodations are in place given he has a disability, school was extremely hard for me like this starting in middle school. Going to school made me depressed and honestly I hated it and myself people made me feel like crap for existing and being different. I wanted so badly to homeschool online but it wasnt an option in my family so i struggled a lot. Luckily i made it through. Im happy to see that you care so much for your sons mental healthy and happiness. Not all of us are that lucky my parents never even noticed I was struggling even when I had meltdowns they brush past it. I wish I could offer a solution to help make it go away or get better but I think the only alternative would be homeschool. High school is just a breeding ground for bullies in all ages and it is a miracle we make it out alive, I find its even more challenging now as kids tend to be even more mean and start even younger., I would go in there and make s fucking scene. Your headline hit me hard. My son is 5 and nonverbal. The emotions you face knowing their struggles when they are little.. so unsure of how time will change them. To the bullshit they will face as they get older from mean terrible people., PE was always the worst for my older son. The kids and the teacher were horrible to my son. The teacher was actually one of my high school bullies. It got so bad that I wanted to go to the police to file harassment charges against the kids, but my son never learned anyone's name (he has a hard time remembering names). I ended up meeting with the principal and had my son removed for PE for the rest of the year. The principal fought back and said that PE is important. I told him my sons mental health was more important than PE. That was in JR High. He made it to high school, and everything got worse. His mental health plummeted, and so did his grades, which made his mental health worse. The main problem at the high school was the teachers. So I pulled him and put him in the alternative school we have. Everyone thinks it's for the "naughty" students, but the school is for kids who are struggling. My son graduated a year early and loved his school. He had good grades again and had the support he needed from smaller class size and teachers who cared. I would definitely look into switching schools. Most alternative schools have a bad reputation for having the "naughty" kids, but you should look into your local one or another school and see if you can find a better fit., Why would you ground him? If anyone needs discipline, it’s the teacher who thinks yelling is a valid way to do his job., My son has had experience like that too, in his case the bus driver. He's bussed across town for a special program for autistic kids that provides a little extra support so he can be mainstreamed in all his classes. It's a long bus ride, an hour each direction. This driver was the worst possible person to have a bus full of autistic middle schoolers - no patience, always angry and took it out on the kids, but if they fought back at all she played up the victim role. Like once she claimed my son deliberately "slammed" his backpack into her when getting on the bus. He has to carry a lot in his backpack, the aisle is narrow, and to put it as delicately as possible she was not a small woman. She spent the entire last school year bullying him, to the point of him coming home in tears saying he hated his life. I was managing the best I could - blowing up the bus line's phone but never getting a response, talking to his teacher and principal and even the transportation coordinator for the school district. And coaching my son how to behave - like say good morning because she gets mad if he doesn't, but don't try to make friends and don't fight back no matter how mad he is. The school listened but every attempt to get a driver change was met with they can't, too short-staffed so apparently job qualifications were nonexistent. I started driving him in the morning but couldn't pick him up in the afternoon because of my work schedule. It was only last month that the school district finally approved an alternative transportation service that has fewer students so it's a shorter ride. The difference is night and day. He's ready to go in the morning, watching for the van, and fist bumps the driver. Do let the school know what happened. You may need to do this a lot to get a response, but do it anyway. But also remember that being fourteen is just a miserable experience anyway, and some of his extreme reaction is because of that. My son has plenty of those too - eats constantly, it's a fight to get him to do anything that involves putting down his phone, personal hygiene has gone to hell. A friend of mine theorizes that teenagers are awful because if they were as sweet as they were as little kids we'd never let them leave the nest., My son is only 9, but 4th grade was already breaking him by the end of the first month of school. I had to take him out and now I’m homeschooling. It’s mostly just paperwork for me at this point and my son is so much happier. School is rough on those of us who are neurodivergent., Find another school or homeschool, Assuming he started high school this year, that must be a big transition in life for him :(, My little brother just turned 14 about two weeks ago but he's still in 8th grade because he was born in November. Him going to high school next school year terrifies me and I also sometimes wish he was just 4 when our worries were something different. I look at his pictures and videos from when he was in preschool and I sometimes wish he was little again. Please don't punish your son., Does he not have an IEP with Adaptive P.E. accommodations? My husband would be lawyering up so fast if a teacher at school treated our son this way. You can get the district to pay for private alternative school in these situations., This warrants an actual screaming at an administrator. That is who the PE teacher fears., Not even fast food managers are taught it’s ok to yell at an employee who is being insubordinate. You are supposed to discipline employees away from others because it is so bad on mental health. And still not yell at them .. or hit them. You write them up. That P.E. teacher sounds like a wanna be drill sergeant. Not what a high schooler needs. I homeschool so my autistic kid doesn’t have to deal with all the know-it-all behaviors in the public school system. Mental health is *not* a priority…numbers are. They only care about their numbers. …Basic human psychology is *not* taught to administrators and then you also have a bunch of kids that are just parrots of their own overbearing parents. It’s not exactly a place that prepares you for the real world. People in the employment world are nowhere near as dense as the people in public schools., For his emotional well being please be on his side. He has the world already making him feel less than, so much so he does not want to be alive. It is not ok for a teacher to make his life any harder for him. Explore other options for PE such as swimming, ROTC yoga or whatever other options your district offers. Talk to the principal about this. Grounding him will not teach him anything valuable in this situation. All he will learn is that it’s ok for an adult to belittle him and embarrass him with the only consequence is getting grounded on top of that. He should hear from you that it’s not ok what happened to him and where he could of done better (such as not yelling at an aid etc.) and ask questions about it, there may be more to the story. Work on doing push ups with him so he can learn and feel confident to do them at school. My son loves school but is dealing with a bully. The school is actively aware and has taken measures to reduce incidences. After a tough day I keep him home the next day to recoup emotionally. When it gets to be too much for him in the future, I plan to homeschool him and make the best of it. I’m dreading middle school. My boy is in the 5th grade. In California, high school students can take college courses they have accommodations for people with disabilities. Our journey as parents of autistic children is tough our hearts break for so many reasons other parents of NT children would never ever understand. Wishing you all the best with your kiddos. You are their best and only advocates for them., Ugh, I do not look forward to this in a few years. Our oldest is level 1/2 and didn't even get diagnosed finally until this past year at 10 years old but he is the worst with this behavior. Even our severe level 3 child is more compliant and follows rules. Especially our level 2 - 3 year old, he's a little rule follower. Seatbelt/harness must remain on! Shoes stay on in the car and come off immediately by the front door! Trash goes in the trash! That one is such a pleasant child you don't even mind a little dysregulation and speech delay. He just started pre-school and they love him because he's such a good listener. But the oldest... He's already been acting like a teenager. Hides snack wrappers everywhere. Never flushes toilets. Throws his shoes and socks everywhere losing them. Every time we leave the house it takes 2 minutes to get the other 3 kids in the car and then 15 minutes yelling at him to get his butt out there. Leaves the house without shoes altogether, and we don't always notice because of the last sentence. We've been hours into a road trip before noticing he didn't bring his damn shoes, even when we saw him put his shoes on! Wtf! How did I see you put them on and run out, and somehow you still got in the car with no shoes?! Never wants to do homework. Yesterday he wanted his tablet that got taken away. We said not until you do homework. So he disappears then comes back not even a minute later showing its done. It takes like 2 hours of redirecting him from bouncing off the walls to get homework done and often after hours of screaming and crying from both sides absolutely nothing gets done. Now done in 1 minute?? No way. It was math, adding fractions. One of the answers says 1.08. No work shown. You're adding fractions, and not only did you not answer with a fraction but you got ONE POINT ZERO EIGHT in your head? Absolutely would not admit he cheated and used google for all the answers (which were all decimals lol). Yep, the kid who refuses to do 5x6 suddenly got 1.08 in his head. That was after that morning going in to school 40 minutes late on an already 8:30 late start day because he refused to wake up. Oh, we're SO looking forward to him being a teenager! Adding teachers who don't like him to that mix? Oh god..., This sounds like me in highschool. Im so sorry for both of you. And yes you should go raise hell, but i think whats most important is a) therapy (preferably with someone who understands autism) and b) you, being there for him to vent, problem solve with him, and telling him how much you love him and wouldnt want him any other way., You need to take this up with the school, and if they don't deal with it then you should definitely consider moving schools. At 14 he could have up to 4 more years of school, at such a delicate age as well... If things don't improve for him soon this environment could negatively impact him for the rest of his life., Tbh you should go in there and have a talk with somebody, that's not ok to do to any kid , as an autistic person this absolutely breaks my heart I know exactly how he feels:(, I empathize with how you are feeling but comparing the past and present may put you in a negative headspace. I recommend using this time to get him to focus on loving himself. Based off his statements, I highly recommend you seek a good team of mental health professionals, if you have not done so already. Suicide is a leading cause of death in the autistic community. They are up against so much, maybe more than us as parents. Filling their toolbox with as many tools as possible never hurts. Also, is it possible you can get some respite care? A break for you every so often can make it easier to hold him up during this hard time for him. Good luck! I’m sure both of you will find your way., Please advocate for your son, go in there and raise hell. This was beyond shameful and traumatizing behavior by his teachers, it’s completely unacceptable. If his teachers can’t coach him with dignity and compassion, that needs addressed and fixed immediately or he needs a new teacher, and it is 100% the schools responsibility to find a solution that makes your son feel safe and welcome at school. Go as high as you need to go to get that done for him., Where is the accomodations for this child? If he cant do a pushup, how about knees on the floor pushup or against the wall or run instead. I hate when people forget the purpose of school, which is to educate and instill curiosity in the students while not to embarrassing them., I'm sorry to hear that, I hope school gets better for him. When I was in high school gym class, they used to have us jog around the football field on these tiny rocks that would get stuck in your sneakers so my friend and I would hide behind the bleachers and jog out on the last lap before gym class was over to avoid having to do this for the entire gym class. I think it's normal he didn't want to have to do a push up in front of other people. I used to dislike having to change into gym clothes in front of other people. I did not like gym class either., My son is also 14. I too long for what seems in retrospect like happier times. But if I’m honest, every age has its ups and downs. I hope your son has an IEP. If so, I would contact the case manager and get some help with this PE teacher. PE teachers tend to be more no nonsense than other teachers, for good reason - they have a bunch of hormonal teens doing physical activity. We’ve been mostly lucky with PE - my son loves any physical activity (he hates when they take a break for health) and most of the teachers have seemed ok. We have issues with most of the other classes - he’s very work avoidant, gets easily annoyed by other students, is constantly distracted and not able to focus. He has a 1:1 aide., I feel so bad for him! I would have wanted to hide too, poor guy! Do you know who yelled at him? Can there be a meeting to discuss how they speak to him when he is struggling? I know his reaction was wrong but so was who ever humiliated him. Hell I know grown adults who can’t do push ups, what a menial thing to yell at someone over. This isn’t boot camp. What type of activists/ things does he thrive in/at? Maybe you can find him a club to join around those activities so he can feel apart of a group and maybe get a few “wins” in., You may need to update his 504/EIP and I would for sure make a fuss at the school and make the teacher that yelled at him understand that autism or not you don’t handle situations like this. I would make it so his aid has the knowledge on how to deescalate situations like this before they get to this point. He needs you to advocate for him because the school system absolutely will not., Why were you planning on chastising him? It sounds very much like the teacher was in the wrong. I’d be asking for a meeting with the shitty egotistical teacher myself, 💙💙💙💙 hugs to you. I totally understand what you are going through. I don’t have any advice but seeing this makes me feel less alone about my situation with my son., Oh love it's 14. Mine thinks I'm a cripple who should have been euthanased because of my autism. Getting called a rtard from your kid hurts but know he's 14 and this is what happens., this is a teacher problem...., This. The incident is alarming, it’s good to be upset about it, use that energy to get to the bottom of what happens during your son’s time with that teacher. My son had a rough time his Freshman year, by Junior year he found his legs. He was also really good at spinning up a little drama to get out of schoolwork, pretty-much every week there was Something. Good times… Are you in the USA?, Very relatable. I did end up home schooled for part of high school because of this. I also refused to participate in gym. Being a teenager is really difficult, especially when you are different than the other kids., Not the OP, but I’ve considered alternative schools for years now. They do have the reputation you mention, though I don’t consider the kids naughty so much as just having difficulty with their behavior and self regulation. My son kind of rides that line himself sometimes and I fear he would be influenced by being surrounded by other kids with similar or worse issues., Many districts have two sides to alternative schools. The disciplinary side and the side with kids who need/want to show up and do work and go home. The teachers at alternative schools are usually passionate about teaching kids who are there and want to be there. My son’s 3rd grade teacher waited several years for an opening at the one in our district and has been there 6 years now. She cares a lot about what she does., Yelling, putting a kid on the spot, shaming them in front of their peers. Way to create conditions of safety!, I re-read that part multiple times and I still can’t understand why the OP would ground the son., Probably because of how it was presented. They shamed *her* for her sons actions. That's usually how it works from what I've seen. Parents have peer pressure too, [deleted], Or get him yanked from PE or placed in adaptive PE. Wondering if it's an issue with teachers across the board or if PE just still sucks as much as I remember it sucking when I was in school., In our county, they only place the most severe students, usually those in a self contained classroom, in adaptive PE. That’s part of the problem with school IMO - it’s either one extreme or the other, while there are many kids who are in the middle., My son thrived at the school and was never influenced by the behaviors of others. He knows right from wrong and knew this was his last chance at high school. We both knew he would never be able to take a GED test because he is horrible at testing. The school was also strict about attendance and following the rules. Many kids have been kicked out of it for not following the rules there. So the structure was also good., That's true here, too. The teachers stay until retirement. There is even a waiting list to get in as a student. I got lucky to get my son in on his first application., If someone yells at me…I cry. Every single time. Been true my entire life, and I’m 44, so I’m doubtful I’m going to outgrow it., Adaptive PE would be a great solution- if he has an IEP, you can call a meeting at any point in the year. Reach out to his case manager about this. If they don’t respond, cc the school counselor, then the assistant principal then the principal. Wait 24 between each email and keep it all in a chain. It’s “how can WE solve this problem and provide my child with a fair and equitable education that doesn’t involve them coming home in tears over PE “, Yeah after I wrote that, I realized I was coming from a place of privilege, living in the USA, in a state with plenty of autism resources, the second largest school district in the country with a massive special education budget compared to other States. The perks of being Californian. Sorry about that., And developing school anxiety likely resulting in school refusal as a result of adults' inability to stay emotionally regulated

Son exposing genitals and playing with himself at school

My 7yr son is at mainstream school in UK. I'm repeatedly getting complaints from the school that he keeps playing with his genitals and exposing himself. It's becoming a real issue the older he gets and he's been banned from 2 after school clubs because of it. He seems to do this to self sooth/regulate or if he's tired, but it's very frequent and he often has an erection. Weve talked to him extensively that it's OK to touch yourself but it needs to be done in private and its not OK to expose his genitals. Does anyone have any advice? Was thinking about talking to gp but I doubt they'd help. Is there any other professional that would be good to contact? School nurse/ occupational therapy?

Talk to an occupational therapist for sure. Every kid is different but if your son had multiple self regulating techniques it could be helpful to encourage that he use another. Does he ever play with squishy toys? Chew necklaces? Fidget spinners? Asking him to take his hands out of his pants and handing him one of those toys may be a good start to redirecting his self regulating behaviors to something other than touching himself. Again, consult an ot., We got our son compression underwear. It was snug enough to fill his sensory needs and haven’t had many issues since. He’s 4. Hope this helps., We had to put our daughter in overalls for a couple months and it broke the habit. It was too much work for her to get into them. Obviously it would deter every kid but it did work for us, Look for the book “Things Tom Likes.” It’s a social story about private activities that is explicit but simple to understand. There’s one for girls too, “Things Ellie Likes.”, I'm and OT and mom, I'm glad to hear you reached out to his OT. This is reasonably common. I usually start by trying to replace the habit with another soothing strategy, it can also help to have visual or other reminders to use those strategies. I've also had kids use overalls/coveralls/onesies/belt to help add a layer that either prevents or just reminds them (make sure he can still toilet independently of course). If it usually happens at a certain time of day or context, try to find the stressor and address it or have him proactively use a coping tool. I hope you get some good support from your OT! I've had a lot of success with this approach. Oh and GP can help rule out things like UTI (though at his age he'd probably report symptoms), always good to rule out a medical cause., Overalls. We make our son wear bib coveralls like farmers wear. He can touch himself all he wants under there, but no one can see it. It’s also a lot harder to do. He eventually stopped (for the most part). But he continues to wear the overalls just for safety’s sake. He likes them now., You should make sure he isn’t being abused at school. That’s also a really common thing for a child to do when they’ve been sexually abused. It’s also a common thing for kids to do in general though, but you should still check it out just in case, you never know. Just wanted to add that., Thanks so much for your reply. He's not really into fidget toys but I'll look at what else might meet his sensory needs, guess it'll be a case of trial and error. I've just left a message for the OT to call me., I haven't heard of this, thank you I'll look into it!, Where did you buy this from? What brand?, Gonna save this comment for the day I need it, Thank you, great reviews for this book. I've just ordered a copy, Thank you so much! Yes it does seem to happen more before and after transition times so I could make sure the school have something in place then. Children's OTs are hard to come by here in UK but we did see one last year so I'm trying to follow up with her. Thanks for your advice, really appreciated. And I hasn't thought about uti so I'll check that out too., Source??, You may find that he responds well to trying to find another sort of sensory such as if he likes the feel of satin or silk having this in his pocket to stroke/feel. As random as it sounds a soft brush he can stroke over his hands or arms. I clip something to my child school trousers. I'm not sure our UK OTs will be able to advise tbh, I could be wrong., I cant find any compression underwear in the UK either. They ship from US on Etsy https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/KozieClothes, https://www.rainn.org/articles/warning-signs-young-children - sexual behavior that is inappropriate for the child’s age https://dfcs.alaska.gov/ocs/Pages/childrensjustice/reporting/know_sa.aspx -Exhibits adult-like sexual knowledge, behavior or language -Excessive or public masturbation https://www.vinklerlaw.com/5-signs-of-sexual-abuse-in-children/ -begin to engage in sexual activity, become interested in sexual behavior- Those are my sources regarding the sexual abuse. Unless you need sources for the other things I said? Assuming you meant this though. Not sure why you’d need sources for the other things., Thank you I really like the idea of having some silk in his pocket I will definitely try that. We saw an NHS OT last year and she seemed quite clued up on the sensory issues, promised a follow up and therapy but nothing had happened so I've chased it up., Thank you for adding that, it's an important point. I feel it is a sensory issue for my son as he isn't actively masturbating as such just having holding and fiddling. I will definitely keep this in mind though and check in with him, thank you, 😀 Check he's still open to OT as they usually close ASAP. Good luck., Talk to an occupational therapist for sure. Every kid is different but if your son had multiple self regulating techniques it could be helpful to encourage that he use another. Does he ever play with squishy toys? Chew necklaces? Fidget spinners? Asking him to take his hands out of his pants and handing him one of those toys may be a good start to redirecting his self regulating behaviors to something other than touching himself. Again, consult an ot., We got our son compression underwear. It was snug enough to fill his sensory needs and haven’t had many issues since. He’s 4. Hope this helps., We had to put our daughter in overalls for a couple months and it broke the habit. It was too much work for her to get into them. Obviously it would deter every kid but it did work for us, Look for the book “Things Tom Likes.” It’s a social story about private activities that is explicit but simple to understand. There’s one for girls too, “Things Ellie Likes.”, I'm and OT and mom, I'm glad to hear you reached out to his OT. This is reasonably common. I usually start by trying to replace the habit with another soothing strategy, it can also help to have visual or other reminders to use those strategies. I've also had kids use overalls/coveralls/onesies/belt to help add a layer that either prevents or just reminds them (make sure he can still toilet independently of course). If it usually happens at a certain time of day or context, try to find the stressor and address it or have him proactively use a coping tool. I hope you get some good support from your OT! I've had a lot of success with this approach. Oh and GP can help rule out things like UTI (though at his age he'd probably report symptoms), always good to rule out a medical cause., Overalls. We make our son wear bib coveralls like farmers wear. He can touch himself all he wants under there, but no one can see it. It’s also a lot harder to do. He eventually stopped (for the most part). But he continues to wear the overalls just for safety’s sake. He likes them now., You should make sure he isn’t being abused at school. That’s also a really common thing for a child to do when they’ve been sexually abused. It’s also a common thing for kids to do in general though, but you should still check it out just in case, you never know. Just wanted to add that., Thanks so much for your reply. He's not really into fidget toys but I'll look at what else might meet his sensory needs, guess it'll be a case of trial and error. I've just left a message for the OT to call me., I haven't heard of this, thank you I'll look into it!, Where did you buy this from? What brand?, Gonna save this comment for the day I need it, Thank you, great reviews for this book. I've just ordered a copy, Thank you so much! Yes it does seem to happen more before and after transition times so I could make sure the school have something in place then. Children's OTs are hard to come by here in UK but we did see one last year so I'm trying to follow up with her. Thanks for your advice, really appreciated. And I hasn't thought about uti so I'll check that out too., Source??, You may find that he responds well to trying to find another sort of sensory such as if he likes the feel of satin or silk having this in his pocket to stroke/feel. As random as it sounds a soft brush he can stroke over his hands or arms. I clip something to my child school trousers. I'm not sure our UK OTs will be able to advise tbh, I could be wrong., I cant find any compression underwear in the UK either. They ship from US on Etsy https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/KozieClothes, https://www.rainn.org/articles/warning-signs-young-children - sexual behavior that is inappropriate for the child’s age https://dfcs.alaska.gov/ocs/Pages/childrensjustice/reporting/know_sa.aspx -Exhibits adult-like sexual knowledge, behavior or language -Excessive or public masturbation https://www.vinklerlaw.com/5-signs-of-sexual-abuse-in-children/ -begin to engage in sexual activity, become interested in sexual behavior- Those are my sources regarding the sexual abuse. Unless you need sources for the other things I said? Assuming you meant this though. Not sure why you’d need sources for the other things., Thank you I really like the idea of having some silk in his pocket I will definitely try that. We saw an NHS OT last year and she seemed quite clued up on the sensory issues, promised a follow up and therapy but nothing had happened so I've chased it up., Thank you for adding that, it's an important point. I feel it is a sensory issue for my son as he isn't actively masturbating as such just having holding and fiddling. I will definitely keep this in mind though and check in with him, thank you, 😀 Check he's still open to OT as they usually close ASAP. Good luck., Talk to an occupational therapist for sure. Every kid is different but if your son had multiple self regulating techniques it could be helpful to encourage that he use another. Does he ever play with squishy toys? Chew necklaces? Fidget spinners? Asking him to take his hands out of his pants and handing him one of those toys may be a good start to redirecting his self regulating behaviors to something other than touching himself. Again, consult an ot., We got our son compression underwear. It was snug enough to fill his sensory needs and haven’t had many issues since. He’s 4. Hope this helps., We had to put our daughter in overalls for a couple months and it broke the habit. It was too much work for her to get into them. Obviously it would deter every kid but it did work for us, Look for the book “Things Tom Likes.” It’s a social story about private activities that is explicit but simple to understand. There’s one for girls too, “Things Ellie Likes.”, I'm and OT and mom, I'm glad to hear you reached out to his OT. This is reasonably common. I usually start by trying to replace the habit with another soothing strategy, it can also help to have visual or other reminders to use those strategies. I've also had kids use overalls/coveralls/onesies/belt to help add a layer that either prevents or just reminds them (make sure he can still toilet independently of course). If it usually happens at a certain time of day or context, try to find the stressor and address it or have him proactively use a coping tool. I hope you get some good support from your OT! I've had a lot of success with this approach. Oh and GP can help rule out things like UTI (though at his age he'd probably report symptoms), always good to rule out a medical cause., Overalls. We make our son wear bib coveralls like farmers wear. He can touch himself all he wants under there, but no one can see it. It’s also a lot harder to do. He eventually stopped (for the most part). But he continues to wear the overalls just for safety’s sake. He likes them now., You should make sure he isn’t being abused at school. That’s also a really common thing for a child to do when they’ve been sexually abused. It’s also a common thing for kids to do in general though, but you should still check it out just in case, you never know. Just wanted to add that., Thanks so much for your reply. He's not really into fidget toys but I'll look at what else might meet his sensory needs, guess it'll be a case of trial and error. I've just left a message for the OT to call me., I haven't heard of this, thank you I'll look into it!, Where did you buy this from? What brand?, Gonna save this comment for the day I need it, Thank you, great reviews for this book. I've just ordered a copy, Thank you so much! Yes it does seem to happen more before and after transition times so I could make sure the school have something in place then. Children's OTs are hard to come by here in UK but we did see one last year so I'm trying to follow up with her. Thanks for your advice, really appreciated. And I hasn't thought about uti so I'll check that out too., Source??, You may find that he responds well to trying to find another sort of sensory such as if he likes the feel of satin or silk having this in his pocket to stroke/feel. As random as it sounds a soft brush he can stroke over his hands or arms. I clip something to my child school trousers. I'm not sure our UK OTs will be able to advise tbh, I could be wrong., I cant find any compression underwear in the UK either. They ship from US on Etsy https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/KozieClothes, https://www.rainn.org/articles/warning-signs-young-children - sexual behavior that is inappropriate for the child’s age https://dfcs.alaska.gov/ocs/Pages/childrensjustice/reporting/know_sa.aspx -Exhibits adult-like sexual knowledge, behavior or language -Excessive or public masturbation https://www.vinklerlaw.com/5-signs-of-sexual-abuse-in-children/ -begin to engage in sexual activity, become interested in sexual behavior- Those are my sources regarding the sexual abuse. Unless you need sources for the other things I said? Assuming you meant this though. Not sure why you’d need sources for the other things., Thank you I really like the idea of having some silk in his pocket I will definitely try that. We saw an NHS OT last year and she seemed quite clued up on the sensory issues, promised a follow up and therapy but nothing had happened so I've chased it up., Thank you for adding that, it's an important point. I feel it is a sensory issue for my son as he isn't actively masturbating as such just having holding and fiddling. I will definitely keep this in mind though and check in with him, thank you, 😀 Check he's still open to OT as they usually close ASAP. Good luck., Talk to an occupational therapist for sure. Every kid is different but if your son had multiple self regulating techniques it could be helpful to encourage that he use another. Does he ever play with squishy toys? Chew necklaces? Fidget spinners? Asking him to take his hands out of his pants and handing him one of those toys may be a good start to redirecting his self regulating behaviors to something other than touching himself. Again, consult an ot., We got our son compression underwear. It was snug enough to fill his sensory needs and haven’t had many issues since. He’s 4. Hope this helps., We had to put our daughter in overalls for a couple months and it broke the habit. It was too much work for her to get into them. Obviously it would deter every kid but it did work for us, Look for the book “Things Tom Likes.” It’s a social story about private activities that is explicit but simple to understand. There’s one for girls too, “Things Ellie Likes.”, I'm and OT and mom, I'm glad to hear you reached out to his OT. This is reasonably common. I usually start by trying to replace the habit with another soothing strategy, it can also help to have visual or other reminders to use those strategies. I've also had kids use overalls/coveralls/onesies/belt to help add a layer that either prevents or just reminds them (make sure he can still toilet independently of course). If it usually happens at a certain time of day or context, try to find the stressor and address it or have him proactively use a coping tool. I hope you get some good support from your OT! I've had a lot of success with this approach. Oh and GP can help rule out things like UTI (though at his age he'd probably report symptoms), always good to rule out a medical cause., Overalls. We make our son wear bib coveralls like farmers wear. He can touch himself all he wants under there, but no one can see it. It’s also a lot harder to do. He eventually stopped (for the most part). But he continues to wear the overalls just for safety’s sake. He likes them now., You should make sure he isn’t being abused at school. That’s also a really common thing for a child to do when they’ve been sexually abused. It’s also a common thing for kids to do in general though, but you should still check it out just in case, you never know. Just wanted to add that., Thanks so much for your reply. He's not really into fidget toys but I'll look at what else might meet his sensory needs, guess it'll be a case of trial and error. I've just left a message for the OT to call me., I haven't heard of this, thank you I'll look into it!, Where did you buy this from? What brand?, Gonna save this comment for the day I need it, Thank you, great reviews for this book. I've just ordered a copy, Thank you so much! Yes it does seem to happen more before and after transition times so I could make sure the school have something in place then. Children's OTs are hard to come by here in UK but we did see one last year so I'm trying to follow up with her. Thanks for your advice, really appreciated. And I hasn't thought about uti so I'll check that out too., Source??, You may find that he responds well to trying to find another sort of sensory such as if he likes the feel of satin or silk having this in his pocket to stroke/feel. As random as it sounds a soft brush he can stroke over his hands or arms. I clip something to my child school trousers. I'm not sure our UK OTs will be able to advise tbh, I could be wrong., I cant find any compression underwear in the UK either. They ship from US on Etsy https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/KozieClothes, https://www.rainn.org/articles/warning-signs-young-children - sexual behavior that is inappropriate for the child’s age https://dfcs.alaska.gov/ocs/Pages/childrensjustice/reporting/know_sa.aspx -Exhibits adult-like sexual knowledge, behavior or language -Excessive or public masturbation https://www.vinklerlaw.com/5-signs-of-sexual-abuse-in-children/ -begin to engage in sexual activity, become interested in sexual behavior- Those are my sources regarding the sexual abuse. Unless you need sources for the other things I said? Assuming you meant this though. Not sure why you’d need sources for the other things., Thank you I really like the idea of having some silk in his pocket I will definitely try that. We saw an NHS OT last year and she seemed quite clued up on the sensory issues, promised a follow up and therapy but nothing had happened so I've chased it up., Thank you for adding that, it's an important point. I feel it is a sensory issue for my son as he isn't actively masturbating as such just having holding and fiddling. I will definitely keep this in mind though and check in with him, thank you, 😀 Check he's still open to OT as they usually close ASAP. Good luck.

Son getting lost outside

My son is 6 and he was having a melt down outside at the merry go round.(it was time to come inside and he didn’t want to) The teacher left him there having a melt down and lined up the class on the side of the school. When she went to count she didn’t have the right number. The teacher realized my son was missing. She went back to the merry go round where she last seen him and he was missing. The teacher radioed for help 2 adults helped. Then after about a minute they asked for more help and a couple more teachers came out and they found him within 5 minutes at the front of the school. The school is on a highway with no fence. I went up the the school very upset about this issue. These are some things they told me. My son has autism adhd and anxiety. I asked if they shouldn’t be held accountable for the incident the sro officer said well he knew what he was doing he is as fault. They said I know he can hear us yelling for him (making it his fault again). They said they can see if they can find someone to go out side to help watch him (hasn’t done this) then said maybe he should play inside alone during recess. The principal told me that my son earned a line leader position then the assistant principal said yes that’s what we do to kids that don’t listen. I posted the issue on a Facebook said that I’ll go to the board about the issue. The principal called the superintendent in the middle of the night to talk to him before I can. (I thought the superintendent was apart of the board) I sent him a certified letter saying I want to talk about the issue. I then made a appointment for a iep he has a iep for speech but not for his diagnosis. The school has known he has this for a year now. I didn’t know he needed a iep for autism till recently. The superintendent said he wants to meet at the school before before my iep. (Worried about the meeting I’m sure the principal will be in the meeting when I’m trying to go against the school and they are friends). I called at the board and a girl called me back (she investigates school issues) and she said well I think they acted really fast not about the issue at hand but how they handled it. Should I take this higher ? Who would I go to ? I’m in Kentucky and I live in a small town and of course it’s hard to go against the school. Anything could of happen to my son and I feel like somthing needs to happen. The principal down played the time he was missing. I asked how they let my son go missing and they said he was never missing he was going around the building. I asked for a full report they said there wasn’t one in the system that they can type me up somthing. They typed me up a report that says we immediately called for help we immediately knew he was missing we immediately started protocol . It was a pos report that was clearly in their favor. I asked for a missing Childrens protocol they said they don’t have one. Which is crazy because half the meeting was about all the protocols they did not how it happen in the first place. What should I do from here ?

Personally I don't trust anyone with my son. I invested in an Angelsense GPS and it is the BEST money I'll ever spend. I can track him within 100 feet. Call him 1 way or 2 way. Make his device beep loudly if he's not answering. It notifies me if he leaves either of his schools' grounds, my house and anywhere else I program a border around. Also has an SOS button your son can press if he's ever left alone again. You can put it on the teachers phone too. It's not okay that this happened. He shouldn't have been left alone for a second. I hope it never happens again. If you think the angelsense might be something you'd like and need/want more info let me know. My son is 5, just started 2 Schools 5 days a week. Non-speaking, no safety awareness and a runner., There's a lot to unpack here. Get an advocate. Check with your chapter of the Arc. It sounds like they provided an incident report... color me shocked that it was downplayed. Save everything you have in writing from them. Do not talk to them over the phone or in person if you can. Get everything in writing. Do not go to this meeting with the superintendent without an attorney or at least an advocate. Make sure that you requested in writing an evaluation covering all areas of suspected need to the district special education director. It's not enough to just call them and ask for an IEP. I would put what they told you in writing. Keep it to the facts. Email everyone involved, and ask them to reply in writing if there is an area of disagreement. First, get the advocate., If you can get a lawyer, get a lawyer. We tried working directly without one, and after ONE meeting with the team and the lawyer when he was in 1st grade, we got a 1:1 paraeducator assigned to him because of incidents like this. And be nice to the school staff. The magical combination of using the lawyer to get services and support from the district plus being kind to the school staff got us more than anyone else I know. My kid is now 17., Ok OP- you cannot go to the meeting without an attorney present. Listen to this advice. You cannot go to this meeting without an attorney. The school will cover up/ downplay this incident. They have ZERO incentive to do anything except kick your son our of school (which sounds like they are gearing up excuses to do). You need an advocate asap but bc of how things have escalated you need an attorney. The attorney will be able to document and lay down the negligence on behalf of the adults and consequences should they not comply with x,y or z changes to your sons safety and security. If they don’t comply then said attorney can lay out the many legal options you have at your disposal which would scare the sh&$ out of them. Separately you absolutely need an IEP and given the issues you have already seen at this school- pls get yourself an advocate. That is why they exist. Bc not all school systems are actually interested in doing the best they can for students- they are worried abt costs- but you need to worry abt your child and demand absolutely everything they need to be successful. Everything. Don’t let them bully you into less. A gps tracking on your child will do nothing to prevent this from happening and with an interstate so close bu the fact he was our front is scary AF. No way, you have license to go on a rampage for their negligence and lack of safety., https://www.autismspeaks.org/autism-school-your-childs-rights Sounds like you need a disability lawyer, Absolutely unacceptable. Regardless of how they try and blame your son(which is appalling in its own right) 1. They have a duty or care for children at school. Period. 2. They should not be allowed to penalize him for their shortcomings (making him play inside alone) Any child of his age neurotypical or not , should be cared for and may not respond to shouting. With his additional needs there are multiple factors that could distract him from listening. Take this all the way. It'll be tough, especially in a small town. But you'll be glad you fought this. The fact they are phoning people in the middle of the night they are worried and nervous about the entire situation; and rightly so. You could really land them in it here. I would ask them the what ifs. What if he was hit by a car? What if he was kidnapped? What if he hurt himself and there was nobody around the help him or hear him? All of these things would mitigate the "he doesn't listen" argument because in those situations he could not respond! It will also get the gears of senior management in the education department turning QUICK because of the lawsuit potential. Nothing wakes these people up like potential lawsuits and money loss. That's what gets them fired. Pursue them for the protocols over email. Create a chain that shows they are ignoring you or do not have one. Escalate to the state education department and keep pushing through all the bs until you get what you want., Go to wrightslaw.com study up on their guides to IEPs, there’s so much. The trick with schools that don’t accommodate your children is to know your child’s civil rights better than they do. Don’t sign or agree to anything without knowing your sons rights. If you can find one get a lawyer, I think wrightslaw has a portal for that on their website. Oh something else that’s important. Just because your district is small and perhaps financially disadvantaged (although I bet your superintendent has a country club membership) it doesn’t mean they are not able to provide your child their education. They get federal funding to educate your child. Some states like to use this money for other things, but it’s there., Going to point out to this subreddit since she is hiding it here but NOT on r/teachers She refuses and had refused to make any teacher aware of his autism diagnosis until this incident. He does NOT have an IEP for anything other than a speech issue. She does not want him to have the 'sped' label. The incident should not be downplayed, but it is literally impossible for the student's teacher and staff to support him if she does not be a bare minimum advocate, Listen, it’s hard to understand exactly what happened, and I think the best thing to do is hire an advocate and call an IEP meeting., No no no. In no way is this your sons fault. That’s why the principal called the superintendent in the middle of the night. He knows he fucked up. I would contact the media and a lawyer, I would be livid actually I am livid. I would keep taking this farther and farther. How the hell can they say an autistic child is at fault for no responding. I would make a police report. I would keep going higher and higher and I would pull your son from that school bc that is insane. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Get awareness for this. Small towns are the worst at covering stuff up and it’s all about who you know. Post it all over Facebook. Contact a news. Make a TikTok let everyone know children in that school are not safe. Anything you can do to get awareness and to force them into having protocols to protect the other children, Oh God yes! DO NOT MEET WITH THEM, [deleted], I would request a transfer to a different public school near by if that happened to my kid. I would be demanding a 1:1 aide for my kid being that this is an issue of safety; they did not know where he was for 5 minutes outside, a lot can happen within 5 minutes! I am glad they found him and that he is ok. Yes, you should definitely get an IEP for your son and have everything in writing what your kid needs support wise while your kid is in school. Good luck with everything!, This is quite common. Schools will ignore the problem. Then will downplay the problem and then will try to blame anyone except themselves. * First, your child will need a full time 1on1 ABA trained aide so this behavior can be extinguished. Best if they are employed by an outside ABA agency and is overseen by a BCBA supervisor. * The Superintendent wants to talk to you and tell you they will take care of this. You will need to send an email you had confirming any sort of conversation. * In the IEP explain they knew about his autism diagnosis and haven't done anything which makes you think they can't appropriate provide your child a Free and Appropriate Education. The teacher needs to teach the class so your child needs a 1on1 aide. * You're child's behavior is a result of his disability and it is important the school can address it appropriately instead of trying to blame him for it. * Make sure there are behavioral goals in the IEP to address his autism, ADHD, and anxiety., Please get him an Apple key tag. They sell bands to make them wearable. My son even leaves it on and almost everything is a sensory nightmare for him. This will allow you to track his every movement via the “find my” app. Best of luck to you moving forward., This is an unfortunate situation. I'm so sorry this happened to you. For me it's better to work with the school team then to fight it. Express concern for ur child's safety and well being. Safe environment should be the school primarily concern! That u feel he needs supervision bc he is obviously a flight risk! He walked away from the playground and this time they were lucky to find him in front of the school. What happens next time he wonders. Tell them to set protocols for specifically for ur son. Put him on the vulnerable kids book at school and the local police department. Go in with child advocate. Keep detail notes timeline. Discuss solutions to prevent this in future. Get timeline for support to be in place for ur son. Hold superintendent accountable to the agreed upon resolution and timeline. Lawyer is the ur last resort. U have to make the principal and staff ur ally. Even though right now u want to...(fill in the blanks).....them. Good luck., I live in a small town in Louisiana and the fact the school isn't fenced in seriously unsafe, I am going to keep this as non bias as possible because I’m seeing mixed comments on this issue. I can see why you’re upset, You trust in the school to care for your child and their safety without you there. I would talk to a lawyer and go from there before doing any meetings. However as a parent if you have not, It’s your responsibility to push and get your child an IEP. Children with disabilities need extra support and care which normal public schools can sometimes not provide that. I think the school needs to do a better job keeping an eye on the children however you need to get an IEP for your child. I can’t express how important that is, It allows the system to know what kind of support your child needs., A GPS will 100% help and at least give her the piece of mind. Also it will be a valuable tool IF this ever happens again because she will have PROOF he was alone for so many minutes even if it's just outside the school. Obviously a GPS isn't going to stop him running into traffic; thanks for reminding me even tho my son's schools AND our house is on busy roads but it's better than having nothing to fall back on 100%. Also has a early runner mode which notifies everyone as soon as they leave a perimeter so yeah that could've helped in this situation., This as well as my other comment . 100%, (I’m not a lawyer but this is what I’d do if this were my child: ) Call an emergency IEP meeting- have an advocate or lawyer come to the meeting and keep him out of school until you have something in his IEP that says that he must have someone watching him at all times for safety. If they claim they can’t do that because of whatever reason, they need to pay for out of district placement., OP never told school staff that their son is autistic. Not only does the kid not have an IEP or a 504 for an autism spectrum disorder, but the parent has refused to share their son’s diagnosis with his teacher in an unofficial capacity because they are afraid of their son being labeled “sped”. As far as the school is aware, this is a case of a neurotypical child refusing to follow directions and running away when the teacher’s back was turned. If this parent wanted to do what is best for their child, they would provide the school with documentation of his diagnosis, get him an IEP or 504 (depending on his needs), and push for every accommodation they think their child should receive. They clearly know that their son is prone to eloping; they should be pushing for a 1:1 aide, not complaining that the teacher who is in charge of twenty other kids couldn’t leave those other students unattended to deal with their son’s temper tantrum (because as far as the teacher is aware, it is a temper tantrum)., What, The teachers and special Ed sub are generally crapholes, wildly biased in favor of administration. There's a lot of anger at the children and families. Teachers need more support. Parents and teachers have a common enemy, and it isn't necessarily each other. It sounds like this class does need more support and training when it comes to autism, and they are probably unlikely to get it. Parents are expected to act like saints when something terrifying happens. I understand her anger and why she's wanting this person fired or disciplined and all - but I think her issue is really with the administration. I understand the frustrations of general education teachers, who are getting kids with complex needs in large classrooms and limited additional support. But, again - their issue shouldn't be with the kids or families, but their employers. I was surprised, but not shocked, that her responses were so downvoted. Haven't posted in teachers much but I found the general user base of the special ed sub to be very childish. There are great teachers and school employees out there, most are OK, but there's also a sizeable portion who really shouldn't be working with kids., Wild? We have no idea the cognitive functioning of this child. We have no idea how many incidents similar to this one have incurred. Assuming this is the first, and the students autism diagnosis has no effect on their academic experience (until now), what were they suppose to do? The school did the right thing. Getting litigious might get your way now, but this mother is teaching their son a terrible lesson - that they aren't responsible for their actions., OP chose not to Persue an IEP for his autism because she didn't want the special education label (states elsewhere). Why is the teacher and school supposed to be aware of factors and preferences she chose not to share?, She has stated previously she refused to add autism to the diagnosis because she didn’t want him to have a “sped label”, She can't have those if she doesn't want the autism IEP., He’s autistic and SIX YEARS OLD. This is not his fault. Honestly, she will have many ways to teach him responsibility but this is a young age for any child to be left unattended much less an autistic child during a transition, It really doesn't matter an unattended 6 year old is a dangerous situation. Special needs or not. No kid is safe at that poorly functioning school., She's said elsewhere that the child has an IEP for speech, so his speech is currently the qualifying criteria to have the IEP. Whether the qualifying criteria is autism or speech, the school is still obligated to meet the child's needs. Her son's symptoms may also not be severe enough overall for the school to consider ASD criteria, but that's really just a matter of categorization. His services, goals and accommodations are really the issue at hand, and she can push to make sure he has 1:1 during parts of the day. I'd suggest for transitions, any class with an exterior door (gym?), and recess time., Lining kids up to make sure they are accounted for while one is having a meltdown on the playground is normal procedure. OP is cutting and piecing info and making it seem like they just went back to class. They did not, he ran away while a brief line up and headcount was taking place. Children who do not have anything on file about being runners (and when parents like OP intentionally hide everything and say it is just a speech IEP) are able to do this on a regular basis. Regardless of the size of the school he DOES need a 1-to-1 to help create a positive school environment for him where he can express himself in meltdowns if it has to happen. This is 1000% true. It is also true that the school is downplaying it, but DID follow proper procedure for a neurotypical student. OP wants to have their cake and eat it too after (shocker) not wanting to own up to telling the school what is actually going on with her kid. He also directly hates being told what to do as part of his own unique diagnosis and cannot be left alone. Even if they knew he had autism (they didn't), this is specifically something mom should mention and not assume that every child on the spectrum is like her's?, Accommodations must match the qualifications, An NT child could also run away and I would still feel the same way. The staff should be watching these children well enough to realize one is missing before that one makes it to front of a building. And to get a speech IEP the school would have evaluated the child. They should have caught his DX. I agree the parent should have been honest if that’s the case but any time my son has to receive therapy he was evaluated and autism was found., I think I get what you're saying, but I'll elaborate: I keep seeing people argue that she doesn't want an IEP, but I don't see anything in her post history suggesting that. She mentions a teacher telling her to avoid special Ed - ostensibly a special Ed classroom - because it could "stick." It's not clear from the post if this is about bullying, or difficulty getting into a general education class later on. Least restrictive environment is usually encouraged now. At the end of the day, regardless of the criteria that qualifies a child for an IEP, the district is legally required to consider the needs of the child. My own children didn't qualify under ASD until they were 5, as their school psychologist didn't feel comfortable calling it while they were younger. They qualified under speech prior to that, but still received OT, ST, social work and they were in the special ed preschool class. My oldest received 1:1 support in preschool while only qualifying under speech criteria for an IEP, because of his elopement and hyperactivity. The criteria a child qualifies under can open up other options (if you qualify under ASD criteria, it can open access to an ASD classroom, for example), but obviously, if the criteria is switched from speech to ASD, a child doesn't stop receiving speech services unless their speech has significantly improved. It's not "you qualify under this particular category, here's what you get." Her son could get 1:1 support, but it'll be a battle. I do think it's why she might be better off arguing for it at certain parts of the day, rather than the entirety of the school day. If she wants it all day, she's probably looking at due process and $$$... and the chance the school just won't do it anyway... Accommodations and services should match the need (so, it's always good to have documentation). Clearly, there is a need for better supervision and support at least at recess. As far as having an outside ABA company coming in, that's going to depend on the state, district and insurance. Often, insurers won't cover techs during school hours and districts don't want them coming in., Again, she actively refused any 'sped' labeling and pushed that he only had a speech IEP. This also means the school has tried to help prior and possibly saw 'something', but mom refused to let them pursue it. Legally they cannot do more without her consent (at least in any state I have been in). NT don't often run away when it is time to line up, that is kind of the point. The only reason he made it to the front of the building was because he was actively trying to get away from authority figures and did not have a designated aide. His teacher cannot be there with him and the other students, but had she had his correct IEP, she could have radio's someone to stay with him I'm not trying to be dissenting, but this is how a public elementary school works and has worked and urge you to go work in a school if you feel you can manage 30 individual students and somehow be near each and every one of them on a playground AND telepathically diagnose one this shortly into the new school year., The thing is, the policy of lining up kids even if one is still refusing to leave the playground is practically universal. I have never seen a school playground where lineup was out of sight of the playground. OP had the speech evaluation before attending school, according to information elsewhere, via early intervention. I obviously don't know what they noticed or didn't notice, but autism never made it to an IEP (or, as OP has revealed, was refused). It's still extremely early in the year for Child Find to run a full circuit. So it's very possible the school and teacher don't properly know the kid is autistic. What exactly would you recommend for a different protocol? I almost guarantee there is at least one other autistic kid in that class who cannot just be left. What would you have done with that kid and the rest of the class? Abandoned while the teacher deals with one kid?, What protocol would I recommend hmm one that does not require a child left alone to end up in the front of the school???? If they can't handle that many students its a staff issue. If this child was hit by car guess who would be liable THE PEOPLE IN CHARGE. Regardless of autism Dx., A child left in the visible observable playground. A child that chose to run off instead of joining the class. Absolutely, more staff would be better. Many communities are against extra staff in schools., Do you even hear yourself a child who chose to run off? Yes lets place blame on a 6 yr old. How about a staff that allowed a child to make it off the playground. Yeah more staff is absolutely needed., Yes. A child that chose to run off. Have you met kids? I'm not saying more staff wouldn't have helped, but most kids by that age know you don't run off. It's not healthy or wise to tell kids they play no part in that or tell their parents they have no business teaching their kid other strategies. Yes, get more staff. Perhaps the school will look into that. But my question is, why aren't parents volunteering to help out on the playground?, Lol you seem to place the blame everywhere but the people who are liable to watch these children at school. It's not a parents job. It's not a 6 yr olds fault., What I am saying is the playground setup OP described is extremely typical. Which means the student in question was reasonably in view of the teacher had they chosen not run off. And yes, most decent parents teach their kids to not run towards busy roads. Most decent parents teach their kids to follow the teacher's instructions. You sound like one of those parents who freaks out there are other kids in the classroom that need attention and care., And you sound like a shitty lazy school employee. Again if this child was hit by a car who would be liable for that???? Oh that's right the teacher, the aids, the school with no protocol. They should have called for help the minute this child would not leave the playground. The school should have a fence. A dog could come attack these children, they could be hit by a car on the highway, or kidnapped. I have no idea why there would not be a fence on an elementary school playground. The parent should have made his diagnosis and the severity of his needs known! Several things can be true., Many elementary schools do not have fences BECAUSE they can lead to different dangers. Fires, inability to get off the property. Radioing for help because a kid won't leave the playground when told? Very rare that protocol would exist. Standard practice for most humans is to let the kid have a break to calm down. Not pull in the big guns for a kid not immediately following instructions. Never happens. It probably would have happened if the mother had let the school know instead of hiding the situation. A plan would have been in place. But she chose not to, and thus a standard protocol based on most average kids was referred to. Have you ever volunteered in your child's school? Have you ever helped with the kids? Does your child's school pull in help every time a kid doesn't listen the first time?, Yes they would pull in help because they know my child has high needs. He would never be left unattended. Yes every school he’s ever went to and even I as a child had a fence on the playground. No my school does not let any parents volunteer nor would I want other parents volunteering around my child why??? Bc safety each person needs a background check and education in the field. No one should just be allowed to volunteer at a school around the children.. And it’s called a gate that is locked and unlocked with teachers that have a key. A fence is not a safety hazard. Not having a fence is more of a risk than having one. You named one scenario of how having a fence could be a safety hazard. I gave you several of how not having one is a safety hazard., Schools don’t have fences because of fires??? What 😹, Your school knows your kid has needs. Background checks do not stop all parents from volunteering. A commitment should be able to private a few at least., schools usually welcome parents volunteers! yes you need a background check. the district usually pays for it. if you can’t pass a background check you shouldn’t be volunteering. that’s true., Things I've heard over the years, among others. Obviously check your local laws.

Son in process of being evaluated for autism and adhd

My 8 yr old is in process of being diagnosed for autism/ adhd. I pushed when he was young for ped to do this but she always dismissed it. He did shockingly ok in kinder and first but is now showing concerns in second that I’ve always brought up to kinder and first grade teachers but they were not concerned but second grade teacher sees things that I’m seeing and issues with academics too (teacher initiated autism/adhd process with school). He becomes obsessed with things. Around 2 or 3 he was obsessed with letters and taught him self to read early. But issue is his handwriting awful and he reads from memory not phonics. That’s what I’ve always brought up to kinder and first grade teacher but not until this year in second did teacher see what I was seeing and how behind he is cause of this,(and we are now starting the orton gillingham program for reading and writing with an outside tutor ). And how he doesn’t like to sit still and gets off task needs frequent reminders etc. So that’s at school. Now at home he’s become obsessed with Roblox. He talks about it non stop. I let him play on his iPad and he gets 3 hours per day but only if he was good at school (behavior chart from teacher given daily). If any reds on chart not listening after warning etc he won’t get it. Won’t get it if hw not done. So unfortunately it’s kinda become a reward. What I noticed is when he had unlimited screen time he was a monster. When he gets a red and doesn’t get tablet his behavior sooo much better. And all he does on tablet is play Roblox. He is so obsessed it’s all he talks about and I’m concerned cause some of games have weapons and now he does drawing with weapons. I want to get rid of Roblox completely and I’ve explained this to my son that it’s not good for him but he doesn’t get it and gets upset.

Trust your instincts. There is tons of evidence linking screen time to worsening behavior, even more so with ND kids. And remember, he is the child and you are the adult responsible for his wellbeing and for keeping him safe. You don’t need him to agree with you to make parenting decisions that may be hard but will benefit him long term. look for resources on how to wean him off slowly, then do it. It will be bumpy at first but you will come out the other side with a happier, more well adjusted kid. I promise. And I know you can do it., Trust your instincts. There is tons of evidence linking screen time to worsening behavior, even more so with ND kids. And remember, he is the child and you are the adult responsible for his wellbeing and for keeping him safe. You don’t need him to agree with you to make parenting decisions that may be hard but will benefit him long term. look for resources on how to wean him off slowly, then do it. It will be bumpy at first but you will come out the other side with a happier, more well adjusted kid. I promise. And I know you can do it., Trust your instincts. There is tons of evidence linking screen time to worsening behavior, even more so with ND kids. And remember, he is the child and you are the adult responsible for his wellbeing and for keeping him safe. You don’t need him to agree with you to make parenting decisions that may be hard but will benefit him long term. look for resources on how to wean him off slowly, then do it. It will be bumpy at first but you will come out the other side with a happier, more well adjusted kid. I promise. And I know you can do it., Trust your instincts. There is tons of evidence linking screen time to worsening behavior, even more so with ND kids. And remember, he is the child and you are the adult responsible for his wellbeing and for keeping him safe. You don’t need him to agree with you to make parenting decisions that may be hard but will benefit him long term. look for resources on how to wean him off slowly, then do it. It will be bumpy at first but you will come out the other side with a happier, more well adjusted kid. I promise. And I know you can do it.

Son is 5 months from 6 years old and still not fully potty trained.

My son is diagnosed with mild autism and he says a few words but besides that he is non verbal. He can’t let us know he needs to potty so we take him once every hour or so. He urinates in the toilet but does his BMs in his diaper. I just don’t know what to do. He goes to ABA 3 times a week and a MAP class at elementary school. I’m just at my wits end about and am looking for any advice.

I am still changing diapers on an 18 year old. He doesn't use the toilet at all. He would never sit for any length of time and if you could get him to sit...nothing happens. He is level 3 so there is the chance that he won't potty train, ever. And honestly, it doesn't bother me. The only thing that sucks about it is that there are almost no adult sized changing tables so I have to change him in my car when we go places., My son was definitely at least six before he got any potty training down, so don't give up hope. I honestly don't have a lot of advice from my experience with him because honestly ABA did all the heavy lifting, but my neurotypical daughter was the same as your son regarding BMs and we could usually tell when she was about to go from body language so we would just pick her up and take her to the toilet every time until she got it. If he doesn't have any tells for needing to poo, you could maybe narrow down the time he typically goes (bodies tend to get in routines) and really up the amount of time on the toilet in that window. Also, for my son, candy rewards definitely helped., I think the BMs may be a sensory thing sometimes. My 6 year old goes to the potty sometimes, but when he's in regression he goes to the bathtub and fishes it out. If he is preoccupied he has accidents. It is frustrating and an ongoing battle we have to be consistent with. Eventually he will recognize and start association with going in the toilet. If he likes music, there are some potty songs on YouTube that could help., Same boat, we just got peeing done, poop? No dice, Does your kid deal with constipation at all? Just throwing it out there that chronic constipation can disconnect the sensation of having to poop, I found this out a couple of years ago after my son got impacted, and not knowing when you need to poop makes it pretty much impossible to make it to the potty. One sign of something like this is leakage in the undies, if you see that happening maybe see your ped or a GI about ways to help get that all back on track., My daughter is considered level 2 ASD, has some words but not many, attends SEN school, is 6 very soon and wears nappies full time. You're not alone. Keep trying your best (which I'm sure you are!) and try not to worry about it too much. It's normal for ND children to struggle with potty training but that doesn't mean it'll never happen., Son will be 6 in August. He’s in a pull-up at home, but underwear all day at ABA. He is pretty adamant about the pull-ups when he is home. Putting him in underwear is a cat and moss game because now I’m following throughout the house to ensure he keeps them on. Otherwise he is just naked running around the house. He’ll go pee if reminded, will hold out on the poo until he gets a pull-up. I’d like to enroll him in kindergarten next year but not sure how the approach is to going to the potty., Ours is 7 and still has many accidents, Am in same situation, if we take him and wait sometime he will pee other times not, but no sign or warning about needing to go either pee or poop. He can control his bladder as he will go hours with nothing completely dry., I used to feel a lot of frustration over this. My son is 6.5 and still not fully potty trained. We are working on it tonight., Does he poop only in his diaper or will he poop in his pants too? Mine is wearing underwear during the day and waits for his nighttime diaper to poop. So now we are in the process of teaching him to poop in his diaper but sitting on the toilet. Just so he got used to pooping in this position. Once he gets used to it, we will work on removing the diaper., Welcome to my world, our son is almost 7 and I sleep in his bed every night other wise there is a chance he will wake up around 4 am take a dump in the floor then play with it until we wake up. Happened three times in two weeks around the end of January. Been good ever since though., Are you in the US? They have IEPs here. We had to end up moving our son to a different school because the first one didn’t meet his requirements., This is about where I am, He poops in underwear and pull ups and sometimes he digs out his poop and rolls it in a ball and what not., Yes, here in Texas. When he was first diagnosed he attended pre-k for a few weeks, but has since been in ABA full-time., Then he might be not ready for pooping in the toilet ☹️, I am still changing diapers on an 18 year old. He doesn't use the toilet at all. He would never sit for any length of time and if you could get him to sit...nothing happens. He is level 3 so there is the chance that he won't potty train, ever. And honestly, it doesn't bother me. The only thing that sucks about it is that there are almost no adult sized changing tables so I have to change him in my car when we go places., My son was definitely at least six before he got any potty training down, so don't give up hope. I honestly don't have a lot of advice from my experience with him because honestly ABA did all the heavy lifting, but my neurotypical daughter was the same as your son regarding BMs and we could usually tell when she was about to go from body language so we would just pick her up and take her to the toilet every time until she got it. If he doesn't have any tells for needing to poo, you could maybe narrow down the time he typically goes (bodies tend to get in routines) and really up the amount of time on the toilet in that window. Also, for my son, candy rewards definitely helped., I think the BMs may be a sensory thing sometimes. My 6 year old goes to the potty sometimes, but when he's in regression he goes to the bathtub and fishes it out. If he is preoccupied he has accidents. It is frustrating and an ongoing battle we have to be consistent with. Eventually he will recognize and start association with going in the toilet. If he likes music, there are some potty songs on YouTube that could help., Same boat, we just got peeing done, poop? No dice, Does your kid deal with constipation at all? Just throwing it out there that chronic constipation can disconnect the sensation of having to poop, I found this out a couple of years ago after my son got impacted, and not knowing when you need to poop makes it pretty much impossible to make it to the potty. One sign of something like this is leakage in the undies, if you see that happening maybe see your ped or a GI about ways to help get that all back on track., My daughter is considered level 2 ASD, has some words but not many, attends SEN school, is 6 very soon and wears nappies full time. You're not alone. Keep trying your best (which I'm sure you are!) and try not to worry about it too much. It's normal for ND children to struggle with potty training but that doesn't mean it'll never happen., Son will be 6 in August. He’s in a pull-up at home, but underwear all day at ABA. He is pretty adamant about the pull-ups when he is home. Putting him in underwear is a cat and moss game because now I’m following throughout the house to ensure he keeps them on. Otherwise he is just naked running around the house. He’ll go pee if reminded, will hold out on the poo until he gets a pull-up. I’d like to enroll him in kindergarten next year but not sure how the approach is to going to the potty., Ours is 7 and still has many accidents, Am in same situation, if we take him and wait sometime he will pee other times not, but no sign or warning about needing to go either pee or poop. He can control his bladder as he will go hours with nothing completely dry., I used to feel a lot of frustration over this. My son is 6.5 and still not fully potty trained. We are working on it tonight., Does he poop only in his diaper or will he poop in his pants too? Mine is wearing underwear during the day and waits for his nighttime diaper to poop. So now we are in the process of teaching him to poop in his diaper but sitting on the toilet. Just so he got used to pooping in this position. Once he gets used to it, we will work on removing the diaper., Welcome to my world, our son is almost 7 and I sleep in his bed every night other wise there is a chance he will wake up around 4 am take a dump in the floor then play with it until we wake up. Happened three times in two weeks around the end of January. Been good ever since though., Are you in the US? They have IEPs here. We had to end up moving our son to a different school because the first one didn’t meet his requirements., This is about where I am, He poops in underwear and pull ups and sometimes he digs out his poop and rolls it in a ball and what not., Yes, here in Texas. When he was first diagnosed he attended pre-k for a few weeks, but has since been in ABA full-time., Then he might be not ready for pooping in the toilet ☹️, I am still changing diapers on an 18 year old. He doesn't use the toilet at all. He would never sit for any length of time and if you could get him to sit...nothing happens. He is level 3 so there is the chance that he won't potty train, ever. And honestly, it doesn't bother me. The only thing that sucks about it is that there are almost no adult sized changing tables so I have to change him in my car when we go places., My son was definitely at least six before he got any potty training down, so don't give up hope. I honestly don't have a lot of advice from my experience with him because honestly ABA did all the heavy lifting, but my neurotypical daughter was the same as your son regarding BMs and we could usually tell when she was about to go from body language so we would just pick her up and take her to the toilet every time until she got it. If he doesn't have any tells for needing to poo, you could maybe narrow down the time he typically goes (bodies tend to get in routines) and really up the amount of time on the toilet in that window. Also, for my son, candy rewards definitely helped., I think the BMs may be a sensory thing sometimes. My 6 year old goes to the potty sometimes, but when he's in regression he goes to the bathtub and fishes it out. If he is preoccupied he has accidents. It is frustrating and an ongoing battle we have to be consistent with. Eventually he will recognize and start association with going in the toilet. If he likes music, there are some potty songs on YouTube that could help., Same boat, we just got peeing done, poop? No dice, Does your kid deal with constipation at all? Just throwing it out there that chronic constipation can disconnect the sensation of having to poop, I found this out a couple of years ago after my son got impacted, and not knowing when you need to poop makes it pretty much impossible to make it to the potty. One sign of something like this is leakage in the undies, if you see that happening maybe see your ped or a GI about ways to help get that all back on track., My daughter is considered level 2 ASD, has some words but not many, attends SEN school, is 6 very soon and wears nappies full time. You're not alone. Keep trying your best (which I'm sure you are!) and try not to worry about it too much. It's normal for ND children to struggle with potty training but that doesn't mean it'll never happen., Son will be 6 in August. He’s in a pull-up at home, but underwear all day at ABA. He is pretty adamant about the pull-ups when he is home. Putting him in underwear is a cat and moss game because now I’m following throughout the house to ensure he keeps them on. Otherwise he is just naked running around the house. He’ll go pee if reminded, will hold out on the poo until he gets a pull-up. I’d like to enroll him in kindergarten next year but not sure how the approach is to going to the potty., Ours is 7 and still has many accidents, Am in same situation, if we take him and wait sometime he will pee other times not, but no sign or warning about needing to go either pee or poop. He can control his bladder as he will go hours with nothing completely dry., I used to feel a lot of frustration over this. My son is 6.5 and still not fully potty trained. We are working on it tonight., Does he poop only in his diaper or will he poop in his pants too? Mine is wearing underwear during the day and waits for his nighttime diaper to poop. So now we are in the process of teaching him to poop in his diaper but sitting on the toilet. Just so he got used to pooping in this position. Once he gets used to it, we will work on removing the diaper., Welcome to my world, our son is almost 7 and I sleep in his bed every night other wise there is a chance he will wake up around 4 am take a dump in the floor then play with it until we wake up. Happened three times in two weeks around the end of January. Been good ever since though., Are you in the US? They have IEPs here. We had to end up moving our son to a different school because the first one didn’t meet his requirements., This is about where I am, He poops in underwear and pull ups and sometimes he digs out his poop and rolls it in a ball and what not., Yes, here in Texas. When he was first diagnosed he attended pre-k for a few weeks, but has since been in ABA full-time., Then he might be not ready for pooping in the toilet ☹️, I am still changing diapers on an 18 year old. He doesn't use the toilet at all. He would never sit for any length of time and if you could get him to sit...nothing happens. He is level 3 so there is the chance that he won't potty train, ever. And honestly, it doesn't bother me. The only thing that sucks about it is that there are almost no adult sized changing tables so I have to change him in my car when we go places., My son was definitely at least six before he got any potty training down, so don't give up hope. I honestly don't have a lot of advice from my experience with him because honestly ABA did all the heavy lifting, but my neurotypical daughter was the same as your son regarding BMs and we could usually tell when she was about to go from body language so we would just pick her up and take her to the toilet every time until she got it. If he doesn't have any tells for needing to poo, you could maybe narrow down the time he typically goes (bodies tend to get in routines) and really up the amount of time on the toilet in that window. Also, for my son, candy rewards definitely helped., I think the BMs may be a sensory thing sometimes. My 6 year old goes to the potty sometimes, but when he's in regression he goes to the bathtub and fishes it out. If he is preoccupied he has accidents. It is frustrating and an ongoing battle we have to be consistent with. Eventually he will recognize and start association with going in the toilet. If he likes music, there are some potty songs on YouTube that could help., Same boat, we just got peeing done, poop? No dice, Does your kid deal with constipation at all? Just throwing it out there that chronic constipation can disconnect the sensation of having to poop, I found this out a couple of years ago after my son got impacted, and not knowing when you need to poop makes it pretty much impossible to make it to the potty. One sign of something like this is leakage in the undies, if you see that happening maybe see your ped or a GI about ways to help get that all back on track., My daughter is considered level 2 ASD, has some words but not many, attends SEN school, is 6 very soon and wears nappies full time. You're not alone. Keep trying your best (which I'm sure you are!) and try not to worry about it too much. It's normal for ND children to struggle with potty training but that doesn't mean it'll never happen., Son will be 6 in August. He’s in a pull-up at home, but underwear all day at ABA. He is pretty adamant about the pull-ups when he is home. Putting him in underwear is a cat and moss game because now I’m following throughout the house to ensure he keeps them on. Otherwise he is just naked running around the house. He’ll go pee if reminded, will hold out on the poo until he gets a pull-up. I’d like to enroll him in kindergarten next year but not sure how the approach is to going to the potty., Ours is 7 and still has many accidents, Am in same situation, if we take him and wait sometime he will pee other times not, but no sign or warning about needing to go either pee or poop. He can control his bladder as he will go hours with nothing completely dry., I used to feel a lot of frustration over this. My son is 6.5 and still not fully potty trained. We are working on it tonight., Does he poop only in his diaper or will he poop in his pants too? Mine is wearing underwear during the day and waits for his nighttime diaper to poop. So now we are in the process of teaching him to poop in his diaper but sitting on the toilet. Just so he got used to pooping in this position. Once he gets used to it, we will work on removing the diaper., Welcome to my world, our son is almost 7 and I sleep in his bed every night other wise there is a chance he will wake up around 4 am take a dump in the floor then play with it until we wake up. Happened three times in two weeks around the end of January. Been good ever since though., Are you in the US? They have IEPs here. We had to end up moving our son to a different school because the first one didn’t meet his requirements., This is about where I am, He poops in underwear and pull ups and sometimes he digs out his poop and rolls it in a ball and what not., Yes, here in Texas. When he was first diagnosed he attended pre-k for a few weeks, but has since been in ABA full-time., Then he might be not ready for pooping in the toilet ☹️

Son is stimulating himself

My son (5yo/ASD/nonverbal) is starting to stimulate his genital region, and I honestly don’t know how to handle it. I don’t want to shame him, but I worry he’s gonna do it at school or with other caretakers. My biggest fear is that someone could try to take advantage of him. Can someone recommend resources to explain this situation to my son and how to better equip him to defend himself in the future, if needed.

Does he do it at inappropriate times? My son who’s six does this on the potty, since we’re still potty training lol. i try to just let him since the potty time is a private time for him. sometimes i worry it may happen at school or something since they take him to the potty but it hasn’t yet. i think it’s a normal behavior until it happens in an inappropriate setting. i’m editing to add when i say “normal” i just mean a typical little boy behavior, as our kids are not typical lol, My son did this constantly from 3-4.5 and just about nothing would stop him. We never shamed him at all but it was so upsetting. We were very worried that it would happen at school and it did a few times but he was young enough that the teachers understood and just redirected or whatever. People told us to give him something to hold, a fidget toy or whatever but that didn’t help. He still does it from time to time, particularly if he is stressed, but (that I’m aware of) never at school., Even before my son was diagnosed with ASD his pediatrician had said at one of his regular appointments, without us bringing it up, that if it happens it’s a natural thing. So seems like it’s a common thing or part of growing up. At 5 he does it sometimes at home but we don’t pay any attention and it has not been an issue at school., My son did similar. He would uh... hump/grind his groin on chairs or stuffed animals. We just had to keep reminding him that that's for private spaces only. So he can go to the bathroom or go to his room. It took a while but he eventually got the hang of that. And at school we worked with his teacher. She understood and figured out a solution where he could go to a private space in the classroom and then rejoin the class. Like you said, you don't want to shame him. Just explain that touching that area or anything like that is for private spaces and no one but him should be touching him there., We were advised (for our daughter) to have a talk about body safety and to redirect her to her room or to the bathroom for “private” exploration. It was pretty short-lived where the stim was daily, but every now and again, we still have to remind her to go to her room or the bathroom. It’s pretty normal for kids to explore themselves, and it’s obviously not ideal when it happens in embarrassing situations and spaces, so trying to teach that there is a time and a place is ok. The other thing we were advised to teach was: Washing hands and practicing good hygiene before and after. Apparently a lot of parents forget this detail? Idk how, but… yeah, it’s a good reminder., Mine is 4.5, and it's a new thing. I don't know how many times a day I say " Hands out of the pants my dude". I've raised two older boys one AuDHD and one adhd. It was just a phase, and they eventually grew out of publically touching themselves., Target has onesies that snap on the bottom for older kids. I usually put one under my son’s shirt so he doesn’t touch himself in public. Seems to work., Same here, I’ve been telling him to keep his hand on his chest, so every time I see I tell him and usually he complies. Then I try to redirect with something that he won’t refuse so we move away from this behavior. My biggest fear is someone taking advantage and abusing him sexually, because I don’t think he will understand that he has to tell me something about it., My son is currently in this stage. We just tell him that's for private if you want to do that go to your room. His teacher explained that because he is sensory seeking this stim has like thousands of nerves giving him dopamine and serotonin so it'll just take time., Following. I have suspicions my stepson (6.5) is doing a stim that feels good in his genital area as well. He lays stomach down on the floor, arms tucked in, and his hands end up in that area. Then he scrunches his knees towards his tummy over and over while making a certain nose and it seems like he’s doing it in a way that he’s rubbing his genitals. He used to do it jumping up and down rubbing up against the couch but we nicely redirected that. Now it’s evolved to the same type of stimming but on the floor - usually in his room. It’s hard to tell so I am here for the suggestions too just in case it develops into something more obvious., I read social stories with my oldest. Whenever he started doing it, I would remind him, "That's private time. We only do that when we are by ourselves in our room or the bathroom." If we were at home, I would redirect him to his room. , It’s ok and normal. The biggest concern is often the child sensing the concern of their caregivers and internalizing shame about their body. Other comments are great re redirection. It’s really not a big deal for a child to be curious about their body, if any adult is judgmental about it that’s on them., I'm so glad I'm not the only one in this situation. I never wanted to bring it up to Dr's because I was afraid they would think something is wrong. I never talked about it to anyone as I never knew how to even talk about it, as I felt he was too young to be doing this. I just let him be in the bathroom. I believe he started around 5 years old, and at that time, he did it very often on the potty. Now he's 9, and he still does it, but not as much, so maybe it's phasing out., That’s an awesome teacher, My son has done similar but only at bed time and we ask him if he wants privacy and he will tell us and we shut door and leave so he makes connection with it being an okay thing to do I my in private at bed time. So far knock on wood has never ever done at school or outside of being exhausted on occasion at bed., Hi, not a parent but a therapist with experience with a lot of children with autism related behavioral challenges. I have seen pretty much this exact stim in a past client, and after much observation and treatment time we learned it was indeed a sexual behavior., I like that idea of asking for privacy. Thank you! Me or my SO usually walk past his room and catch it happening on accident. I’ll be honest, it always takes me by surprise because I really thought we had more time to prep for sexual behaviors. But I guess we’re here sooner than I thought and I really want to be sure he doesn’t feel shame., Thank you for the validation! This means a lot! We are careful about how we are approaching this because we don’t want him to feel shame around exploring his body. I’m not sure my SO completely is on board yet that it’s a sexual behavior. But I’m also completely unprepared because I thought we had a bit more time to prepare for that since he’s only 6.5. Was your client non-verbal? What advice was given? I feel like I’m in uncharted territory., Does he do it at inappropriate times? My son who’s six does this on the potty, since we’re still potty training lol. i try to just let him since the potty time is a private time for him. sometimes i worry it may happen at school or something since they take him to the potty but it hasn’t yet. i think it’s a normal behavior until it happens in an inappropriate setting. i’m editing to add when i say “normal” i just mean a typical little boy behavior, as our kids are not typical lol, My son did this constantly from 3-4.5 and just about nothing would stop him. We never shamed him at all but it was so upsetting. We were very worried that it would happen at school and it did a few times but he was young enough that the teachers understood and just redirected or whatever. People told us to give him something to hold, a fidget toy or whatever but that didn’t help. He still does it from time to time, particularly if he is stressed, but (that I’m aware of) never at school., Even before my son was diagnosed with ASD his pediatrician had said at one of his regular appointments, without us bringing it up, that if it happens it’s a natural thing. So seems like it’s a common thing or part of growing up. At 5 he does it sometimes at home but we don’t pay any attention and it has not been an issue at school., My son did similar. He would uh... hump/grind his groin on chairs or stuffed animals. We just had to keep reminding him that that's for private spaces only. So he can go to the bathroom or go to his room. It took a while but he eventually got the hang of that. And at school we worked with his teacher. She understood and figured out a solution where he could go to a private space in the classroom and then rejoin the class. Like you said, you don't want to shame him. Just explain that touching that area or anything like that is for private spaces and no one but him should be touching him there., We were advised (for our daughter) to have a talk about body safety and to redirect her to her room or to the bathroom for “private” exploration. It was pretty short-lived where the stim was daily, but every now and again, we still have to remind her to go to her room or the bathroom. It’s pretty normal for kids to explore themselves, and it’s obviously not ideal when it happens in embarrassing situations and spaces, so trying to teach that there is a time and a place is ok. The other thing we were advised to teach was: Washing hands and practicing good hygiene before and after. Apparently a lot of parents forget this detail? Idk how, but… yeah, it’s a good reminder., Mine is 4.5, and it's a new thing. I don't know how many times a day I say " Hands out of the pants my dude". I've raised two older boys one AuDHD and one adhd. It was just a phase, and they eventually grew out of publically touching themselves., Target has onesies that snap on the bottom for older kids. I usually put one under my son’s shirt so he doesn’t touch himself in public. Seems to work., Same here, I’ve been telling him to keep his hand on his chest, so every time I see I tell him and usually he complies. Then I try to redirect with something that he won’t refuse so we move away from this behavior. My biggest fear is someone taking advantage and abusing him sexually, because I don’t think he will understand that he has to tell me something about it., My son is currently in this stage. We just tell him that's for private if you want to do that go to your room. His teacher explained that because he is sensory seeking this stim has like thousands of nerves giving him dopamine and serotonin so it'll just take time., Following. I have suspicions my stepson (6.5) is doing a stim that feels good in his genital area as well. He lays stomach down on the floor, arms tucked in, and his hands end up in that area. Then he scrunches his knees towards his tummy over and over while making a certain nose and it seems like he’s doing it in a way that he’s rubbing his genitals. He used to do it jumping up and down rubbing up against the couch but we nicely redirected that. Now it’s evolved to the same type of stimming but on the floor - usually in his room. It’s hard to tell so I am here for the suggestions too just in case it develops into something more obvious., I read social stories with my oldest. Whenever he started doing it, I would remind him, "That's private time. We only do that when we are by ourselves in our room or the bathroom." If we were at home, I would redirect him to his room. , It’s ok and normal. The biggest concern is often the child sensing the concern of their caregivers and internalizing shame about their body. Other comments are great re redirection. It’s really not a big deal for a child to be curious about their body, if any adult is judgmental about it that’s on them., I'm so glad I'm not the only one in this situation. I never wanted to bring it up to Dr's because I was afraid they would think something is wrong. I never talked about it to anyone as I never knew how to even talk about it, as I felt he was too young to be doing this. I just let him be in the bathroom. I believe he started around 5 years old, and at that time, he did it very often on the potty. Now he's 9, and he still does it, but not as much, so maybe it's phasing out., That’s an awesome teacher, My son has done similar but only at bed time and we ask him if he wants privacy and he will tell us and we shut door and leave so he makes connection with it being an okay thing to do I my in private at bed time. So far knock on wood has never ever done at school or outside of being exhausted on occasion at bed., Hi, not a parent but a therapist with experience with a lot of children with autism related behavioral challenges. I have seen pretty much this exact stim in a past client, and after much observation and treatment time we learned it was indeed a sexual behavior., I like that idea of asking for privacy. Thank you! Me or my SO usually walk past his room and catch it happening on accident. I’ll be honest, it always takes me by surprise because I really thought we had more time to prep for sexual behaviors. But I guess we’re here sooner than I thought and I really want to be sure he doesn’t feel shame., Thank you for the validation! This means a lot! We are careful about how we are approaching this because we don’t want him to feel shame around exploring his body. I’m not sure my SO completely is on board yet that it’s a sexual behavior. But I’m also completely unprepared because I thought we had a bit more time to prepare for that since he’s only 6.5. Was your client non-verbal? What advice was given? I feel like I’m in uncharted territory., Does he do it at inappropriate times? My son who’s six does this on the potty, since we’re still potty training lol. i try to just let him since the potty time is a private time for him. sometimes i worry it may happen at school or something since they take him to the potty but it hasn’t yet. i think it’s a normal behavior until it happens in an inappropriate setting. i’m editing to add when i say “normal” i just mean a typical little boy behavior, as our kids are not typical lol, My son did this constantly from 3-4.5 and just about nothing would stop him. We never shamed him at all but it was so upsetting. We were very worried that it would happen at school and it did a few times but he was young enough that the teachers understood and just redirected or whatever. People told us to give him something to hold, a fidget toy or whatever but that didn’t help. He still does it from time to time, particularly if he is stressed, but (that I’m aware of) never at school., Even before my son was diagnosed with ASD his pediatrician had said at one of his regular appointments, without us bringing it up, that if it happens it’s a natural thing. So seems like it’s a common thing or part of growing up. At 5 he does it sometimes at home but we don’t pay any attention and it has not been an issue at school., My son did similar. He would uh... hump/grind his groin on chairs or stuffed animals. We just had to keep reminding him that that's for private spaces only. So he can go to the bathroom or go to his room. It took a while but he eventually got the hang of that. And at school we worked with his teacher. She understood and figured out a solution where he could go to a private space in the classroom and then rejoin the class. Like you said, you don't want to shame him. Just explain that touching that area or anything like that is for private spaces and no one but him should be touching him there., We were advised (for our daughter) to have a talk about body safety and to redirect her to her room or to the bathroom for “private” exploration. It was pretty short-lived where the stim was daily, but every now and again, we still have to remind her to go to her room or the bathroom. It’s pretty normal for kids to explore themselves, and it’s obviously not ideal when it happens in embarrassing situations and spaces, so trying to teach that there is a time and a place is ok. The other thing we were advised to teach was: Washing hands and practicing good hygiene before and after. Apparently a lot of parents forget this detail? Idk how, but… yeah, it’s a good reminder., Mine is 4.5, and it's a new thing. I don't know how many times a day I say " Hands out of the pants my dude". I've raised two older boys one AuDHD and one adhd. It was just a phase, and they eventually grew out of publically touching themselves., Target has onesies that snap on the bottom for older kids. I usually put one under my son’s shirt so he doesn’t touch himself in public. Seems to work., Same here, I’ve been telling him to keep his hand on his chest, so every time I see I tell him and usually he complies. Then I try to redirect with something that he won’t refuse so we move away from this behavior. My biggest fear is someone taking advantage and abusing him sexually, because I don’t think he will understand that he has to tell me something about it., My son is currently in this stage. We just tell him that's for private if you want to do that go to your room. His teacher explained that because he is sensory seeking this stim has like thousands of nerves giving him dopamine and serotonin so it'll just take time., Following. I have suspicions my stepson (6.5) is doing a stim that feels good in his genital area as well. He lays stomach down on the floor, arms tucked in, and his hands end up in that area. Then he scrunches his knees towards his tummy over and over while making a certain nose and it seems like he’s doing it in a way that he’s rubbing his genitals. He used to do it jumping up and down rubbing up against the couch but we nicely redirected that. Now it’s evolved to the same type of stimming but on the floor - usually in his room. It’s hard to tell so I am here for the suggestions too just in case it develops into something more obvious., I read social stories with my oldest. Whenever he started doing it, I would remind him, "That's private time. We only do that when we are by ourselves in our room or the bathroom." If we were at home, I would redirect him to his room. , It’s ok and normal. The biggest concern is often the child sensing the concern of their caregivers and internalizing shame about their body. Other comments are great re redirection. It’s really not a big deal for a child to be curious about their body, if any adult is judgmental about it that’s on them., I'm so glad I'm not the only one in this situation. I never wanted to bring it up to Dr's because I was afraid they would think something is wrong. I never talked about it to anyone as I never knew how to even talk about it, as I felt he was too young to be doing this. I just let him be in the bathroom. I believe he started around 5 years old, and at that time, he did it very often on the potty. Now he's 9, and he still does it, but not as much, so maybe it's phasing out., That’s an awesome teacher, My son has done similar but only at bed time and we ask him if he wants privacy and he will tell us and we shut door and leave so he makes connection with it being an okay thing to do I my in private at bed time. So far knock on wood has never ever done at school or outside of being exhausted on occasion at bed., Hi, not a parent but a therapist with experience with a lot of children with autism related behavioral challenges. I have seen pretty much this exact stim in a past client, and after much observation and treatment time we learned it was indeed a sexual behavior., I like that idea of asking for privacy. Thank you! Me or my SO usually walk past his room and catch it happening on accident. I’ll be honest, it always takes me by surprise because I really thought we had more time to prep for sexual behaviors. But I guess we’re here sooner than I thought and I really want to be sure he doesn’t feel shame., Thank you for the validation! This means a lot! We are careful about how we are approaching this because we don’t want him to feel shame around exploring his body. I’m not sure my SO completely is on board yet that it’s a sexual behavior. But I’m also completely unprepared because I thought we had a bit more time to prepare for that since he’s only 6.5. Was your client non-verbal? What advice was given? I feel like I’m in uncharted territory., Does he do it at inappropriate times? My son who’s six does this on the potty, since we’re still potty training lol. i try to just let him since the potty time is a private time for him. sometimes i worry it may happen at school or something since they take him to the potty but it hasn’t yet. i think it’s a normal behavior until it happens in an inappropriate setting. i’m editing to add when i say “normal” i just mean a typical little boy behavior, as our kids are not typical lol, My son did this constantly from 3-4.5 and just about nothing would stop him. We never shamed him at all but it was so upsetting. We were very worried that it would happen at school and it did a few times but he was young enough that the teachers understood and just redirected or whatever. People told us to give him something to hold, a fidget toy or whatever but that didn’t help. He still does it from time to time, particularly if he is stressed, but (that I’m aware of) never at school., Even before my son was diagnosed with ASD his pediatrician had said at one of his regular appointments, without us bringing it up, that if it happens it’s a natural thing. So seems like it’s a common thing or part of growing up. At 5 he does it sometimes at home but we don’t pay any attention and it has not been an issue at school., My son did similar. He would uh... hump/grind his groin on chairs or stuffed animals. We just had to keep reminding him that that's for private spaces only. So he can go to the bathroom or go to his room. It took a while but he eventually got the hang of that. And at school we worked with his teacher. She understood and figured out a solution where he could go to a private space in the classroom and then rejoin the class. Like you said, you don't want to shame him. Just explain that touching that area or anything like that is for private spaces and no one but him should be touching him there., We were advised (for our daughter) to have a talk about body safety and to redirect her to her room or to the bathroom for “private” exploration. It was pretty short-lived where the stim was daily, but every now and again, we still have to remind her to go to her room or the bathroom. It’s pretty normal for kids to explore themselves, and it’s obviously not ideal when it happens in embarrassing situations and spaces, so trying to teach that there is a time and a place is ok. The other thing we were advised to teach was: Washing hands and practicing good hygiene before and after. Apparently a lot of parents forget this detail? Idk how, but… yeah, it’s a good reminder., Mine is 4.5, and it's a new thing. I don't know how many times a day I say " Hands out of the pants my dude". I've raised two older boys one AuDHD and one adhd. It was just a phase, and they eventually grew out of publically touching themselves., Target has onesies that snap on the bottom for older kids. I usually put one under my son’s shirt so he doesn’t touch himself in public. Seems to work., Same here, I’ve been telling him to keep his hand on his chest, so every time I see I tell him and usually he complies. Then I try to redirect with something that he won’t refuse so we move away from this behavior. My biggest fear is someone taking advantage and abusing him sexually, because I don’t think he will understand that he has to tell me something about it., My son is currently in this stage. We just tell him that's for private if you want to do that go to your room. His teacher explained that because he is sensory seeking this stim has like thousands of nerves giving him dopamine and serotonin so it'll just take time., Following. I have suspicions my stepson (6.5) is doing a stim that feels good in his genital area as well. He lays stomach down on the floor, arms tucked in, and his hands end up in that area. Then he scrunches his knees towards his tummy over and over while making a certain nose and it seems like he’s doing it in a way that he’s rubbing his genitals. He used to do it jumping up and down rubbing up against the couch but we nicely redirected that. Now it’s evolved to the same type of stimming but on the floor - usually in his room. It’s hard to tell so I am here for the suggestions too just in case it develops into something more obvious., I read social stories with my oldest. Whenever he started doing it, I would remind him, "That's private time. We only do that when we are by ourselves in our room or the bathroom." If we were at home, I would redirect him to his room. , It’s ok and normal. The biggest concern is often the child sensing the concern of their caregivers and internalizing shame about their body. Other comments are great re redirection. It’s really not a big deal for a child to be curious about their body, if any adult is judgmental about it that’s on them., I'm so glad I'm not the only one in this situation. I never wanted to bring it up to Dr's because I was afraid they would think something is wrong. I never talked about it to anyone as I never knew how to even talk about it, as I felt he was too young to be doing this. I just let him be in the bathroom. I believe he started around 5 years old, and at that time, he did it very often on the potty. Now he's 9, and he still does it, but not as much, so maybe it's phasing out., That’s an awesome teacher, My son has done similar but only at bed time and we ask him if he wants privacy and he will tell us and we shut door and leave so he makes connection with it being an okay thing to do I my in private at bed time. So far knock on wood has never ever done at school or outside of being exhausted on occasion at bed., Hi, not a parent but a therapist with experience with a lot of children with autism related behavioral challenges. I have seen pretty much this exact stim in a past client, and after much observation and treatment time we learned it was indeed a sexual behavior., I like that idea of asking for privacy. Thank you! Me or my SO usually walk past his room and catch it happening on accident. I’ll be honest, it always takes me by surprise because I really thought we had more time to prep for sexual behaviors. But I guess we’re here sooner than I thought and I really want to be sure he doesn’t feel shame., Thank you for the validation! This means a lot! We are careful about how we are approaching this because we don’t want him to feel shame around exploring his body. I’m not sure my SO completely is on board yet that it’s a sexual behavior. But I’m also completely unprepared because I thought we had a bit more time to prepare for that since he’s only 6.5. Was your client non-verbal? What advice was given? I feel like I’m in uncharted territory.

Son just got diagnosed with level 2 but the but the doctor said he’s almost at level one don’t know what she meant by that.

I’ve seen the term pre verbal and was also curious about what meant my son just turned 3 just started pre k at an awesome school with a great autism program with therapist in class and three other great people helping all the little ones they interact with the rest of the school. He recently started to sing and dance it was rare before also I’m hearing a lot more babble and he is now mirroring more.

Honestly I wouldn’t get too caught up on level. It’s not something that’s set in stone (about half of kids will change level from ages 3 to 6). Especially in toddlers it’s very hard to give levels that will stay the same because toddlers, by their nature, all need high levels of support to exist. It sounds like your kid is getting great help and at an early age, which is going to give the best outcome possible regardless of level., that's great. he's making progress., Levels dont mean that much, they said the same thing to us when he was forst diagnosed, and have never heard talk of his ‘level’ again, I wouldn't overthink it. Level 2 is moderate support needs, and level 1 is mild. Your kid is at a mild-moderate level, where he needs a little more support than most level 1s do but not as much as most level 2s., It’s just to indicate support levels. 1 is mild, 2 is moderate, 3 is high support needs., It means that your child most likely has mild support needs in so. R areas and moderate needs in others, but since classification is a singular thing and level 2 means more resources paid for by insurance, that's the number they assigned , Honestly I wouldn’t get too caught up on level. It’s not something that’s set in stone (about half of kids will change level from ages 3 to 6). Especially in toddlers it’s very hard to give levels that will stay the same because toddlers, by their nature, all need high levels of support to exist. It sounds like your kid is getting great help and at an early age, which is going to give the best outcome possible regardless of level., that's great. he's making progress., Levels dont mean that much, they said the same thing to us when he was forst diagnosed, and have never heard talk of his ‘level’ again, I wouldn't overthink it. Level 2 is moderate support needs, and level 1 is mild. Your kid is at a mild-moderate level, where he needs a little more support than most level 1s do but not as much as most level 2s., It’s just to indicate support levels. 1 is mild, 2 is moderate, 3 is high support needs., It means that your child most likely has mild support needs in so. R areas and moderate needs in others, but since classification is a singular thing and level 2 means more resources paid for by insurance, that's the number they assigned , Honestly I wouldn’t get too caught up on level. It’s not something that’s set in stone (about half of kids will change level from ages 3 to 6). Especially in toddlers it’s very hard to give levels that will stay the same because toddlers, by their nature, all need high levels of support to exist. It sounds like your kid is getting great help and at an early age, which is going to give the best outcome possible regardless of level., that's great. he's making progress., Levels dont mean that much, they said the same thing to us when he was forst diagnosed, and have never heard talk of his ‘level’ again, I wouldn't overthink it. Level 2 is moderate support needs, and level 1 is mild. Your kid is at a mild-moderate level, where he needs a little more support than most level 1s do but not as much as most level 2s., It’s just to indicate support levels. 1 is mild, 2 is moderate, 3 is high support needs., It means that your child most likely has mild support needs in so. R areas and moderate needs in others, but since classification is a singular thing and level 2 means more resources paid for by insurance, that's the number they assigned , Honestly I wouldn’t get too caught up on level. It’s not something that’s set in stone (about half of kids will change level from ages 3 to 6). Especially in toddlers it’s very hard to give levels that will stay the same because toddlers, by their nature, all need high levels of support to exist. It sounds like your kid is getting great help and at an early age, which is going to give the best outcome possible regardless of level., that's great. he's making progress., Levels dont mean that much, they said the same thing to us when he was forst diagnosed, and have never heard talk of his ‘level’ again, I wouldn't overthink it. Level 2 is moderate support needs, and level 1 is mild. Your kid is at a mild-moderate level, where he needs a little more support than most level 1s do but not as much as most level 2s., It’s just to indicate support levels. 1 is mild, 2 is moderate, 3 is high support needs., It means that your child most likely has mild support needs in so. R areas and moderate needs in others, but since classification is a singular thing and level 2 means more resources paid for by insurance, that's the number they assigned , Honestly I wouldn’t get too caught up on level. It’s not something that’s set in stone (about half of kids will change level from ages 3 to 6). Especially in toddlers it’s very hard to give levels that will stay the same because toddlers, by their nature, all need high levels of support to exist. It sounds like your kid is getting great help and at an early age, which is going to give the best outcome possible regardless of level., that's great. he's making progress., Levels dont mean that much, they said the same thing to us when he was forst diagnosed, and have never heard talk of his ‘level’ again, I wouldn't overthink it. Level 2 is moderate support needs, and level 1 is mild. Your kid is at a mild-moderate level, where he needs a little more support than most level 1s do but not as much as most level 2s., It’s just to indicate support levels. 1 is mild, 2 is moderate, 3 is high support needs., It means that your child most likely has mild support needs in so. R areas and moderate needs in others, but since classification is a singular thing and level 2 means more resources paid for by insurance, that's the number they assigned , Honestly I wouldn’t get too caught up on level. It’s not something that’s set in stone (about half of kids will change level from ages 3 to 6). Especially in toddlers it’s very hard to give levels that will stay the same because toddlers, by their nature, all need high levels of support to exist. It sounds like your kid is getting great help and at an early age, which is going to give the best outcome possible regardless of level., that's great. he's making progress., Levels dont mean that much, they said the same thing to us when he was forst diagnosed, and have never heard talk of his ‘level’ again, I wouldn't overthink it. Level 2 is moderate support needs, and level 1 is mild. Your kid is at a mild-moderate level, where he needs a little more support than most level 1s do but not as much as most level 2s., It’s just to indicate support levels. 1 is mild, 2 is moderate, 3 is high support needs., It means that your child most likely has mild support needs in so. R areas and moderate needs in others, but since classification is a singular thing and level 2 means more resources paid for by insurance, that's the number they assigned , Honestly I wouldn’t get too caught up on level. It’s not something that’s set in stone (about half of kids will change level from ages 3 to 6). Especially in toddlers it’s very hard to give levels that will stay the same because toddlers, by their nature, all need high levels of support to exist. It sounds like your kid is getting great help and at an early age, which is going to give the best outcome possible regardless of level., that's great. he's making progress., Levels dont mean that much, they said the same thing to us when he was forst diagnosed, and have never heard talk of his ‘level’ again, I wouldn't overthink it. Level 2 is moderate support needs, and level 1 is mild. Your kid is at a mild-moderate level, where he needs a little more support than most level 1s do but not as much as most level 2s., It’s just to indicate support levels. 1 is mild, 2 is moderate, 3 is high support needs., It means that your child most likely has mild support needs in so. R areas and moderate needs in others, but since classification is a singular thing and level 2 means more resources paid for by insurance, that's the number they assigned , Honestly I wouldn’t get too caught up on level. It’s not something that’s set in stone (about half of kids will change level from ages 3 to 6). Especially in toddlers it’s very hard to give levels that will stay the same because toddlers, by their nature, all need high levels of support to exist. It sounds like your kid is getting great help and at an early age, which is going to give the best outcome possible regardless of level., that's great. he's making progress., Levels dont mean that much, they said the same thing to us when he was forst diagnosed, and have never heard talk of his ‘level’ again, I wouldn't overthink it. Level 2 is moderate support needs, and level 1 is mild. Your kid is at a mild-moderate level, where he needs a little more support than most level 1s do but not as much as most level 2s., It’s just to indicate support levels. 1 is mild, 2 is moderate, 3 is high support needs., It means that your child most likely has mild support needs in so. R areas and moderate needs in others, but since classification is a singular thing and level 2 means more resources paid for by insurance, that's the number they assigned , Honestly I wouldn’t get too caught up on level. It’s not something that’s set in stone (about half of kids will change level from ages 3 to 6). Especially in toddlers it’s very hard to give levels that will stay the same because toddlers, by their nature, all need high levels of support to exist. It sounds like your kid is getting great help and at an early age, which is going to give the best outcome possible regardless of level., that's great. he's making progress., Levels dont mean that much, they said the same thing to us when he was forst diagnosed, and have never heard talk of his ‘level’ again, I wouldn't overthink it. Level 2 is moderate support needs, and level 1 is mild. Your kid is at a mild-moderate level, where he needs a little more support than most level 1s do but not as much as most level 2s., It’s just to indicate support levels. 1 is mild, 2 is moderate, 3 is high support needs., It means that your child most likely has mild support needs in so. R areas and moderate needs in others, but since classification is a singular thing and level 2 means more resources paid for by insurance, that's the number they assigned 

Son not meeting IEP goals

My son is 7 with an ASD diagnosis and currently enrolled in the CLP program (creative learning program). He is verbal, but his language is not always functional. He does a lot of scripting. He loves learning and knows so many things. However, he is not on track to meet his IEP goals because he won’t do them on command. For example, his goal is to count to 30 but he won’t do it when asked. His teacher knows he can count to 100 but can’t give him credit because he won’t do it on command. So the school is talking about an autism only program that focuses on learning life skills vs education. I feel that cutting him off of his education will not be beneficial since he is capable and eager to learn. It feels a bit discriminatory. Are there any advocates in Michigan I can reach out to? I wanted to know… Can we change the IEP at any time? Is there a way to change the IEP to allow them to test him in a different way? What things could we add to the IEP to help him meet these goals? Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.

Yes, you as a parent can request an emergency IEP meeting to discuss his progress and supports. They can amend his IEP in response to his current functioning., I'm in Michigan. I personally hire Jackie Darrough from PASEN. You can also call your chapter of the Arc.  Schools here seem to LOVE giving up on our kids very young. , My son is similar, in that he knows a lot but he can't/won't do it on command. He tests extremely poorly, and he will continue to test poorly for several years. However, every so often, to make sure he is learning in the general education environment, a teacher/educator or therapist will bend over backward to test him. For example, the kids were being tested on 60 sight words. In normal testing, my son would get 10 right. The speech therapist set up a price-is-right style spinning wheel and under each panel was a sight word. If he got it right, he got to spin it again. If it got it wrong, the teacher spun it. He got 55 correct. My son is similar, in that he knows a lot but he can't/won't do it on command. He tests extremely poorly, and he will continue to test poorly for several years. However, every so often, to make sure he is learning in the general education environment, a teacher/educator or therapist will bend over backwards to test him. For example, the kids were being tested on 60 sight words. In normal testing, my son would get 10 right. The speech therapist set up a price-is-right style spinning wheel and under each panel was a sight word. If he got it right, he got to spin it again. If it got it wrong, the teacher spun it. He got 55 correct. You can also check out stores like [Lakeshore Learning](https://www.lakeshorelearning.com/) for fun games. They have several sight word games. Our favorite is a fishing game with a rod and magnet fish, each with a sight word on them., That is so awesome that they were able to test him with a game! I’m gonna try this. We are familiar with Lakeshore Learning Store (that’s where we get 95% of his toys., Yes, you as a parent can request an emergency IEP meeting to discuss his progress and supports. They can amend his IEP in response to his current functioning., I'm in Michigan. I personally hire Jackie Darrough from PASEN. You can also call your chapter of the Arc.  Schools here seem to LOVE giving up on our kids very young. , My son is similar, in that he knows a lot but he can't/won't do it on command. He tests extremely poorly, and he will continue to test poorly for several years. However, every so often, to make sure he is learning in the general education environment, a teacher/educator or therapist will bend over backward to test him. For example, the kids were being tested on 60 sight words. In normal testing, my son would get 10 right. The speech therapist set up a price-is-right style spinning wheel and under each panel was a sight word. If he got it right, he got to spin it again. If it got it wrong, the teacher spun it. He got 55 correct. My son is similar, in that he knows a lot but he can't/won't do it on command. He tests extremely poorly, and he will continue to test poorly for several years. However, every so often, to make sure he is learning in the general education environment, a teacher/educator or therapist will bend over backwards to test him. For example, the kids were being tested on 60 sight words. In normal testing, my son would get 10 right. The speech therapist set up a price-is-right style spinning wheel and under each panel was a sight word. If he got it right, he got to spin it again. If it got it wrong, the teacher spun it. He got 55 correct. You can also check out stores like [Lakeshore Learning](https://www.lakeshorelearning.com/) for fun games. They have several sight word games. Our favorite is a fishing game with a rod and magnet fish, each with a sight word on them., That is so awesome that they were able to test him with a game! I’m gonna try this. We are familiar with Lakeshore Learning Store (that’s where we get 95% of his toys., Yes, you as a parent can request an emergency IEP meeting to discuss his progress and supports. They can amend his IEP in response to his current functioning., I'm in Michigan. I personally hire Jackie Darrough from PASEN. You can also call your chapter of the Arc.  Schools here seem to LOVE giving up on our kids very young. , My son is similar, in that he knows a lot but he can't/won't do it on command. He tests extremely poorly, and he will continue to test poorly for several years. However, every so often, to make sure he is learning in the general education environment, a teacher/educator or therapist will bend over backward to test him. For example, the kids were being tested on 60 sight words. In normal testing, my son would get 10 right. The speech therapist set up a price-is-right style spinning wheel and under each panel was a sight word. If he got it right, he got to spin it again. If it got it wrong, the teacher spun it. He got 55 correct. My son is similar, in that he knows a lot but he can't/won't do it on command. He tests extremely poorly, and he will continue to test poorly for several years. However, every so often, to make sure he is learning in the general education environment, a teacher/educator or therapist will bend over backwards to test him. For example, the kids were being tested on 60 sight words. In normal testing, my son would get 10 right. The speech therapist set up a price-is-right style spinning wheel and under each panel was a sight word. If he got it right, he got to spin it again. If it got it wrong, the teacher spun it. He got 55 correct. You can also check out stores like [Lakeshore Learning](https://www.lakeshorelearning.com/) for fun games. They have several sight word games. Our favorite is a fishing game with a rod and magnet fish, each with a sight word on them., That is so awesome that they were able to test him with a game! I’m gonna try this. We are familiar with Lakeshore Learning Store (that’s where we get 95% of his toys., Yes, you as a parent can request an emergency IEP meeting to discuss his progress and supports. They can amend his IEP in response to his current functioning., I'm in Michigan. I personally hire Jackie Darrough from PASEN. You can also call your chapter of the Arc.  Schools here seem to LOVE giving up on our kids very young. , My son is similar, in that he knows a lot but he can't/won't do it on command. He tests extremely poorly, and he will continue to test poorly for several years. However, every so often, to make sure he is learning in the general education environment, a teacher/educator or therapist will bend over backward to test him. For example, the kids were being tested on 60 sight words. In normal testing, my son would get 10 right. The speech therapist set up a price-is-right style spinning wheel and under each panel was a sight word. If he got it right, he got to spin it again. If it got it wrong, the teacher spun it. He got 55 correct. My son is similar, in that he knows a lot but he can't/won't do it on command. He tests extremely poorly, and he will continue to test poorly for several years. However, every so often, to make sure he is learning in the general education environment, a teacher/educator or therapist will bend over backwards to test him. For example, the kids were being tested on 60 sight words. In normal testing, my son would get 10 right. The speech therapist set up a price-is-right style spinning wheel and under each panel was a sight word. If he got it right, he got to spin it again. If it got it wrong, the teacher spun it. He got 55 correct. You can also check out stores like [Lakeshore Learning](https://www.lakeshorelearning.com/) for fun games. They have several sight word games. Our favorite is a fishing game with a rod and magnet fish, each with a sight word on them., That is so awesome that they were able to test him with a game! I’m gonna try this. We are familiar with Lakeshore Learning Store (that’s where we get 95% of his toys.

Son removed from school

So i once posted about my 4 year old level 3 autistic son being in school and the teacher always complained..So now my son has been removed from the school because they are not equipped enough for neurodivergent children…This has mentally taken a toll on me and i can see he misses his friends..I wish South Africa was advanced enough for autistic children.

Im in the Caribbean and it’s the same issue here. Virtually zero resources for disabilities., I'm so sorry to hear that. It might be worth looking at emigrating to the US, UK, or a Commonwealth state to obtain the services you need, I'm in the US , NY I'm in the same situation my son been out of school since September . So I'm sorry I know what you guys are going through 😞., Same stuff happens in the US even though we're supposed to be "one of the best"., What do you pay taxes for? Sue them, If you do really check the area. I live in the US and it’s terrible where I am. I home school my son because of how bad it is here, he is 6 and in kindergarten. I live in a small rural town, but even in the city I think you’d have to pay for a private school to get some actual help. It’s hard but it’s worth it for us! He has a hard time with communication and facial recognition so without support there is no way to know how he is doing or if he is getting picked on., In the US you can sue the school , I don’t think that option is available in OP’s country, Yeah definitely. Luckily I live in Reno where there is expanded Medicaid and tons of ABA and other services with only about a 1 month waiting period, I’m in WA and the services here for my son are amazing and in my experience the bigger cities have a bigger budget to help special needs kids. I moved from a small town to a pretty big one (30k to 500k) and the resources available to him and my family are way above and beyond what we would’ve gotten in the south. It could always be worth just giving some places some calls to see what would be available in say the nearest big city and try to plan accordingly. I uprooted my whole life to move to somewhere that would be better for my son’s needs and so far it’s been hard but I still think it’s been the right move for his future., True. When people do it in the US, it's illegal. A lot of places don't treat disabled people as a protected class of any kind., That’s so good! Luckily we were able to get my son speech and occupational therapy, but they are virtual. I really would like to look into ABA and see if that would benefit him as well., Im in the Caribbean and it’s the same issue here. Virtually zero resources for disabilities., I'm so sorry to hear that. It might be worth looking at emigrating to the US, UK, or a Commonwealth state to obtain the services you need, I'm in the US , NY I'm in the same situation my son been out of school since September . So I'm sorry I know what you guys are going through 😞., Same stuff happens in the US even though we're supposed to be "one of the best"., What do you pay taxes for? Sue them, If you do really check the area. I live in the US and it’s terrible where I am. I home school my son because of how bad it is here, he is 6 and in kindergarten. I live in a small rural town, but even in the city I think you’d have to pay for a private school to get some actual help. It’s hard but it’s worth it for us! He has a hard time with communication and facial recognition so without support there is no way to know how he is doing or if he is getting picked on., In the US you can sue the school , I don’t think that option is available in OP’s country, Yeah definitely. Luckily I live in Reno where there is expanded Medicaid and tons of ABA and other services with only about a 1 month waiting period, I’m in WA and the services here for my son are amazing and in my experience the bigger cities have a bigger budget to help special needs kids. I moved from a small town to a pretty big one (30k to 500k) and the resources available to him and my family are way above and beyond what we would’ve gotten in the south. It could always be worth just giving some places some calls to see what would be available in say the nearest big city and try to plan accordingly. I uprooted my whole life to move to somewhere that would be better for my son’s needs and so far it’s been hard but I still think it’s been the right move for his future., True. When people do it in the US, it's illegal. A lot of places don't treat disabled people as a protected class of any kind., That’s so good! Luckily we were able to get my son speech and occupational therapy, but they are virtual. I really would like to look into ABA and see if that would benefit him as well., Im in the Caribbean and it’s the same issue here. Virtually zero resources for disabilities., I'm so sorry to hear that. It might be worth looking at emigrating to the US, UK, or a Commonwealth state to obtain the services you need, I'm in the US , NY I'm in the same situation my son been out of school since September . So I'm sorry I know what you guys are going through 😞., Same stuff happens in the US even though we're supposed to be "one of the best"., What do you pay taxes for? Sue them, If you do really check the area. I live in the US and it’s terrible where I am. I home school my son because of how bad it is here, he is 6 and in kindergarten. I live in a small rural town, but even in the city I think you’d have to pay for a private school to get some actual help. It’s hard but it’s worth it for us! He has a hard time with communication and facial recognition so without support there is no way to know how he is doing or if he is getting picked on., In the US you can sue the school , I don’t think that option is available in OP’s country, Yeah definitely. Luckily I live in Reno where there is expanded Medicaid and tons of ABA and other services with only about a 1 month waiting period, I’m in WA and the services here for my son are amazing and in my experience the bigger cities have a bigger budget to help special needs kids. I moved from a small town to a pretty big one (30k to 500k) and the resources available to him and my family are way above and beyond what we would’ve gotten in the south. It could always be worth just giving some places some calls to see what would be available in say the nearest big city and try to plan accordingly. I uprooted my whole life to move to somewhere that would be better for my son’s needs and so far it’s been hard but I still think it’s been the right move for his future., True. When people do it in the US, it's illegal. A lot of places don't treat disabled people as a protected class of any kind., That’s so good! Luckily we were able to get my son speech and occupational therapy, but they are virtual. I really would like to look into ABA and see if that would benefit him as well., Im in the Caribbean and it’s the same issue here. Virtually zero resources for disabilities., I'm so sorry to hear that. It might be worth looking at emigrating to the US, UK, or a Commonwealth state to obtain the services you need, I'm in the US , NY I'm in the same situation my son been out of school since September . So I'm sorry I know what you guys are going through 😞., Same stuff happens in the US even though we're supposed to be "one of the best"., What do you pay taxes for? Sue them, If you do really check the area. I live in the US and it’s terrible where I am. I home school my son because of how bad it is here, he is 6 and in kindergarten. I live in a small rural town, but even in the city I think you’d have to pay for a private school to get some actual help. It’s hard but it’s worth it for us! He has a hard time with communication and facial recognition so without support there is no way to know how he is doing or if he is getting picked on., In the US you can sue the school , I don’t think that option is available in OP’s country, Yeah definitely. Luckily I live in Reno where there is expanded Medicaid and tons of ABA and other services with only about a 1 month waiting period, I’m in WA and the services here for my son are amazing and in my experience the bigger cities have a bigger budget to help special needs kids. I moved from a small town to a pretty big one (30k to 500k) and the resources available to him and my family are way above and beyond what we would’ve gotten in the south. It could always be worth just giving some places some calls to see what would be available in say the nearest big city and try to plan accordingly. I uprooted my whole life to move to somewhere that would be better for my son’s needs and so far it’s been hard but I still think it’s been the right move for his future., True. When people do it in the US, it's illegal. A lot of places don't treat disabled people as a protected class of any kind., That’s so good! Luckily we were able to get my son speech and occupational therapy, but they are virtual. I really would like to look into ABA and see if that would benefit him as well.

Son wants to watch the first 15 seconds

My little guy loooves logos, specifically movie intros. He asks to watch movies, but really he wants you to sit down with the remote and start the Peacock app (universal is his favorite) and then watch the first 10-15 seconds of every damn movie on the app. As soon as the intro is done, he's done. Any ideas on how to increase his attention span? I'd love to sit down and WATCH a movie with him. Plus sitting there and starting every movie gets real old, real fast. I'll humor him for a couple, but.. I'm shocked he hasn't figured out the remote yet to do it himself. Pic is him recreating the logo. 3.5 and spelled it himself. He was getting so mad trying to do it, it took me a bit to figure out what he was doing, but then mama held the letters in place.

PIXAR was the first word ours would spell out., My son is currently watching a 20th century Fox intro being smashed by the Pixar lamp as I type this. He’s 8 and he’s taken to making his own intros using scrabble letters and the camera on my phone., Wait until he does figure it out and you get to hear the same 5 seconds played over and over and over! Might find new interests through it though. My daughter mostly likes songs, which at first meant show intros until she figured out youtube. But youtube has led to cake decorating, coloring, and water slide videos as well which told us what she was interested in., My son is on YouTube watching these intros over and over. There are even videos that have multipliers of the video and they all play at once. He Loves it. I don't have advice about keeping his attention lol. Some methods work better as they get older but little ones not so much! :p, Check out Disney Shorts. My little guy loves them and you’ll most likely enjoy them as well. Try “Lava” and “Feast”. Good stepping stone to a feature length!, Love it! My son is 5 and also obsessed with logos especially Netflix, Nintendo, Dunkin’ Donuts, My kiddo (12F) still only watches a few seconds of certain shows or songs. Now she’s found these videos of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse where they only say “Oh Toodles” for 3.5 minutes straight, and it’s bedlam when the video comes to an end. Now we have to play the video 5x before she moves on to watching other content., Go on YouTube. “Universal intro 1 hour,” eventually he’ll get what he needed out of it or get desensitized to it. (I’m not saying torture him with it, he’ll ask you to shut it off) I know it seems like odd behaviour, but in his mind it’s for a reason, he’s getting something out of it even if we don’t quite understand it. My daughter was the same way, obsessed with intros. Eventually we got her a tablet, and having her own control over the shows made her far more interested in them. She has learned so much from her videos it’s astonishing. Despite all the learning we try to do together, she has learned far more from watching shows and videos than I could ever hope to teach her. Looks like your son is learning too if he spelled it himself. It can be frustrating, annoying, or just strange to us at times, but you can’t argue with the results., I know of a teenager who’s got this very same interest. His mom has an arrangement with the local theatres to let them in for the first 5 minutes…. By the way, your son’s interest might not be as visual as you think. The kid I described above loves the musical intro., Mine loves them too!, That’s a familiar sound in this house., Google, LG, and Vizio were my son’s faves. Especially Google., [Download some of this free open source video editing and compositing software to your computer and make part of your daily routine together learning how to use the software to create new logos that they think up. This will give you time together learning how to use software, allowing them to practice literacy and numeracy, and engaging in their special interest.](https://openvisualfx.com/software/), My son actually doesn’t like intros! He hates transitions so I have to fast forward until a happy scene or a song, a few minutes in, for him to settle down., My son, 3 years old, loves planets right now. So he leaves the earth portion, I miss when my son would watch movies. Haven’t watched tv in like 3 years. He will watch it fine at my parents house or anywhere else. He just has this ocd thing with the living room tv :( lol. It’s not SO bad I guess., mine watched ted talks, Disney shorts and when he starts to wonder off or not paying attention I pause it. At the start it takes 20 minutes to watch a 3-5 minute short but now we can watch our bed time shows while snuggling. He can sit through most of a movie but we don’t force that. Just 10-15 minutes is all we make him do. But he knows the remote equals control so he will try and steal the remote so she can roam with his show being paused., I don't think this is an attention span thing, I think this is a stimming thing. You might not want to open the youtube can of worms (I recommend not) but maybe look for the intros on youtube, download them to a tablet or similar and give him a folder of those intros so he can play the ones he wants on repeat to his heart's content. I recommend introducing the concept of headphones at the same time 😅 Actually watching movies will come later, I think. Movies are tricky because they are quite a long protracted story. How much of a story does he follow e.g. with reading books? My 5.5yo is still into picture books with 1-2 sentences per page, and doesn't really get movies yet. He is starting to watch full episodes of 10-20 min TV shows and follow the stories there though., My son has been doing this for 8 years now. So let me know when you find put how to actually watch a movie with him!, GOOGLE was the first word spelled by my 2 yr old., Reminds my of my son spelled “ELEPHANT” with the foam letters before he was 2 years old, For a while my son (around 3) was into the NBC nightly news theme song he’d have a meltdown if he wasn’t not caught part of it., My son is 19 and does this. His favorite is 20th Century Fox. He can tell you what "variant" it is, like what years the logo was active and what movies it appeared in. He likes to download 3d models in Blender and make his own variants and animate them. Honestly we've had to cut down on this with him because he gets SO wound-up with logos he can't focus on a single other thing. It's definitely a huge thing with a lot of kids on the spectrum. He watches the full movies now, but he prefers to do it by himself because he gets a little self conscious about the stimming I think., Oh yes. The Universal theme song sang by the minions was a very long phase in this house. Over and over and over…, Mine was OBSESSED with that back in the day. Always had a thing for circles., My 5 year old does this for intros to YouTube channels, too, as well as movies and TV shows., My son absolutely loves doing this. You can pull the intros up on YouTube and he can watch them on repeat til his heart is content. Mine watches them for hours. He really likes recreating this 1995 Korean ad for LG down to mimicking the Korean, unfortunately he’s Irish, German, Black, & Japanese so I can’t help him pronounce the commercial accurately cause I don’t know Korean. 😂, Oh yeah, Pixar was one of his first loves. He even has a "Pixar lamp" that he likes to stomp the letter I with., Jesus Christ I thought mine was the only one. We went to the Pixar restaurant in Disneyland and he basically had a heart attack because of that lamp mosaic in the restaurant foyer., Ours too. With his little plastic letters when he was 18 months old. A few days later he spelled out ‘pictures’. That was over 20 years ago. We had no idea., I love how some of us have the PIXAR spellers. Also that darn lamp really motivated my kiddo to jump as well., That was mine’s first too. He watches them all on YouTube. His favorite is recreating an LG ad from 1995 in Korea. But he’s also done Google, Coca Cola, Lego, KFC, 20th Century Fox, and his favorite yellow m McDonald’s among others. He’ll watch the logo runs for several minutes at a time. He even sent my boss a video of him saying and spelling Blippi 😂, Omg both of my boys won’t stop watching 20th century fox😩, We’ve moved onto listening to 20th century fox in otamatone, well actually almost everything in otamatone now. Even I walk around humming the intro for fox haha, 20th century Fox! My son wants me to actually build him the sign with working spot lights 😂, We just got out of this phase that went on for months 😭 now it's SpongeBob everything, We knows these well. I hate that YouTube doesn't let you block videos like YouTube kids does. He has zero interest in the content on YT Kids., We do watch Piper and Bao every night before bed! 🥰 piper is our favorite! Have to check out feast though, haven't seen that one!, 100%! He learns so much from his videos, which is why I can't take away the iPad. He has taught himself to spell and read (to a point) and he's a GLP, his language starts are often something from a video until he unwinds how to use it in everyday. If he wants to watch his logo videos, or silly crocodile or whatever, I'm totally fine with it. Again, I wish there was a way to just block videos easily on YouTube like there is on YT Kids. Because there are definitely videos I don't want him watching. Annoying Orange is one he loves, and some of them are ok, but some of them are NOT ok., My son loves to do that too!! But last night he became the lamp and stomped on a letter i scrabble piece while only wearing socks. It was bitter sweet because he hurt himself but it was outrageously funny., That's awesome. Thankfully we've passed a phase where he was watching YouTube clips that were just like remixes of that lamp intro., My son is the same 😫, If you have the YT kids app for androis or iOS, you can set it up to show videos you have approved from the linked parent account. You just go to the video on your account and select Share > With Kids. That helps stop them getting auto directed into inappropriate content after watching these., I second the shorts. They also have shorts of dug from up, monsters inc, and more. It's a great way to introduce characters before a movie. You can also graduate to shows like monsters at work and the up tv shorts before going to the movies too., Def apart of the bed time routine here as well!, Why not have him on YouTube kids then? Is it because he likes a lot of videos that aren’t actually on YT kids? A lot of people don’t know this, but if you have him linked as a kids account under your account, you can set him to “manually approved content only” After you do this, you can actually share non-YT kids videos with his kids account from your own account, and it’ll stay available on their account until you delete it. You just click the share button, and then on “with kids” and select his account., Omg we just entered that phase. I thought he was the only one. Lol, I am going to have to investigate this, thank you! Yes that's exactly why. He has no interest for most of the content on YT kids., I'm still curious why they don't offer the easy block feature on YT that they do on YTK. Clearly they have the ability to do it., We also tried to do curation on YT kids, but it requires a lot of time & effort. Eventually we moved to apps that could do curation for us. I think Khan Academy Kids is one app that works really well. Another one we've recently tried is Kidzovo. They have content from creators like SciShow Kids, Kiboomers & Learning mole & they turn it interactive where kids need to do these activities where they tap or speak their responses or color a sheet. My favorite is the feature where they ask kids questions like: "Why should you be nice to your neighbors" and then you can hear the responses from your kids later in the parent section. You can check that out as well.

Son will be starting pre-school for ASD children this year. Tips on protecting him from SA?

The news has been flooded with pedophiles taking advantage of children across childcare centres recently and I remember reading about some terrible stories perpetrated by 1:1 therapists or carers. My little boy is non verbal and I’m terrified that he’ll be singled out as a prime victim for some sicko out there. How can I keep him safe? He’ll be attending a school that has a 1 to 1 ratio for therapists to Kids, in a class of 8, with one supervisor. The 1:1 therapists rotate every 2 hours i’m told and realistically it’s only toilet time that they’ll be alone. That said, I’m still worried. My son can’t tell me if something bad happens to him. Advice?

[deleted], You can try to approach your school board about having cameras placed in classrooms. Teachers unions try to fight it, but unless it's a private office, they have an uphill battle. Still, you won't have a camera everywhere.  The listening in features of things like angelsense can be an option. But, this would almost certainly pose a problem with eavesdropping laws. I've heard of schools requiring to be placed on the app's caregiver team so they can be sure features are turned off.  Other than that - you're stuck finding out who's in this classroom, what happens if someone's absent (who fills in?) and doing background checks.  It isn't easy. One of my sons was assaulted by a teacher. I'd suggest dropping off and picking up and trying to get facetime with those working with your child. Trust your gut. , You really shouldn't worry about his safety until you meet the team. I think you will be surprised with how few biological men are in this line of work., That’s a great idea! Thank you, I really REALLY want to use the listening features of angelsense but you’re 100% right about the eavesdropping laws The school doesn’t have cameras but I can raise it. Is there even a way to raise this without making the teachers uncomfortable? It’s such an awkward conversation because I feel like I’m accusing them without accusing them. I’m so sorry to hear about your little one. It’s my worst nightmare. Some people are just absolutely despicable and I hope you and your son are ok, Meeting the team is definitely on the cards -though to be honest I’m not just worried about male team members -females can be pedophiles too (albeit it’s a known lower probability), I regularly hire PASEN for advocacy services. One of their advocates, Jackie Darrough, gave me some documentation about approaching school boards about this. That was ages ago though - you could try reaching out to her through their Facebook page (IEP/504 support)  I'd start with e-mailing members of the board.  I'd emphasize the benefits to teachers: if you're falsely accused of something (by a family, by a vindictive co-worker), a camera can be a saving grace.  I'd also talk about the particulars around how long footage can be stored and under what circumstances it can be reviewed, and by whom. I think teachers are worried about being under constant surveillance by teachers and administration, which is a valid worry.  Of course... There's always the risk there won't be fidelity and that an administrator will have constant access. , [deleted], You can try to approach your school board about having cameras placed in classrooms. Teachers unions try to fight it, but unless it's a private office, they have an uphill battle. Still, you won't have a camera everywhere.  The listening in features of things like angelsense can be an option. But, this would almost certainly pose a problem with eavesdropping laws. I've heard of schools requiring to be placed on the app's caregiver team so they can be sure features are turned off.  Other than that - you're stuck finding out who's in this classroom, what happens if someone's absent (who fills in?) and doing background checks.  It isn't easy. One of my sons was assaulted by a teacher. I'd suggest dropping off and picking up and trying to get facetime with those working with your child. Trust your gut. , You really shouldn't worry about his safety until you meet the team. I think you will be surprised with how few biological men are in this line of work., That’s a great idea! Thank you, I really REALLY want to use the listening features of angelsense but you’re 100% right about the eavesdropping laws The school doesn’t have cameras but I can raise it. Is there even a way to raise this without making the teachers uncomfortable? It’s such an awkward conversation because I feel like I’m accusing them without accusing them. I’m so sorry to hear about your little one. It’s my worst nightmare. Some people are just absolutely despicable and I hope you and your son are ok, Meeting the team is definitely on the cards -though to be honest I’m not just worried about male team members -females can be pedophiles too (albeit it’s a known lower probability), I regularly hire PASEN for advocacy services. One of their advocates, Jackie Darrough, gave me some documentation about approaching school boards about this. That was ages ago though - you could try reaching out to her through their Facebook page (IEP/504 support)  I'd start with e-mailing members of the board.  I'd emphasize the benefits to teachers: if you're falsely accused of something (by a family, by a vindictive co-worker), a camera can be a saving grace.  I'd also talk about the particulars around how long footage can be stored and under what circumstances it can be reviewed, and by whom. I think teachers are worried about being under constant surveillance by teachers and administration, which is a valid worry.  Of course... There's always the risk there won't be fidelity and that an administrator will have constant access. , [deleted], You can try to approach your school board about having cameras placed in classrooms. Teachers unions try to fight it, but unless it's a private office, they have an uphill battle. Still, you won't have a camera everywhere.  The listening in features of things like angelsense can be an option. But, this would almost certainly pose a problem with eavesdropping laws. I've heard of schools requiring to be placed on the app's caregiver team so they can be sure features are turned off.  Other than that - you're stuck finding out who's in this classroom, what happens if someone's absent (who fills in?) and doing background checks.  It isn't easy. One of my sons was assaulted by a teacher. I'd suggest dropping off and picking up and trying to get facetime with those working with your child. Trust your gut. , You really shouldn't worry about his safety until you meet the team. I think you will be surprised with how few biological men are in this line of work., That’s a great idea! Thank you, I really REALLY want to use the listening features of angelsense but you’re 100% right about the eavesdropping laws The school doesn’t have cameras but I can raise it. Is there even a way to raise this without making the teachers uncomfortable? It’s such an awkward conversation because I feel like I’m accusing them without accusing them. I’m so sorry to hear about your little one. It’s my worst nightmare. Some people are just absolutely despicable and I hope you and your son are ok, Meeting the team is definitely on the cards -though to be honest I’m not just worried about male team members -females can be pedophiles too (albeit it’s a known lower probability), I regularly hire PASEN for advocacy services. One of their advocates, Jackie Darrough, gave me some documentation about approaching school boards about this. That was ages ago though - you could try reaching out to her through their Facebook page (IEP/504 support)  I'd start with e-mailing members of the board.  I'd emphasize the benefits to teachers: if you're falsely accused of something (by a family, by a vindictive co-worker), a camera can be a saving grace.  I'd also talk about the particulars around how long footage can be stored and under what circumstances it can be reviewed, and by whom. I think teachers are worried about being under constant surveillance by teachers and administration, which is a valid worry.  Of course... There's always the risk there won't be fidelity and that an administrator will have constant access. , [deleted], You can try to approach your school board about having cameras placed in classrooms. Teachers unions try to fight it, but unless it's a private office, they have an uphill battle. Still, you won't have a camera everywhere.  The listening in features of things like angelsense can be an option. But, this would almost certainly pose a problem with eavesdropping laws. I've heard of schools requiring to be placed on the app's caregiver team so they can be sure features are turned off.  Other than that - you're stuck finding out who's in this classroom, what happens if someone's absent (who fills in?) and doing background checks.  It isn't easy. One of my sons was assaulted by a teacher. I'd suggest dropping off and picking up and trying to get facetime with those working with your child. Trust your gut. , You really shouldn't worry about his safety until you meet the team. I think you will be surprised with how few biological men are in this line of work., That’s a great idea! Thank you, I really REALLY want to use the listening features of angelsense but you’re 100% right about the eavesdropping laws The school doesn’t have cameras but I can raise it. Is there even a way to raise this without making the teachers uncomfortable? It’s such an awkward conversation because I feel like I’m accusing them without accusing them. I’m so sorry to hear about your little one. It’s my worst nightmare. Some people are just absolutely despicable and I hope you and your son are ok, Meeting the team is definitely on the cards -though to be honest I’m not just worried about male team members -females can be pedophiles too (albeit it’s a known lower probability), I regularly hire PASEN for advocacy services. One of their advocates, Jackie Darrough, gave me some documentation about approaching school boards about this. That was ages ago though - you could try reaching out to her through their Facebook page (IEP/504 support)  I'd start with e-mailing members of the board.  I'd emphasize the benefits to teachers: if you're falsely accused of something (by a family, by a vindictive co-worker), a camera can be a saving grace.  I'd also talk about the particulars around how long footage can be stored and under what circumstances it can be reviewed, and by whom. I think teachers are worried about being under constant surveillance by teachers and administration, which is a valid worry.  Of course... There's always the risk there won't be fidelity and that an administrator will have constant access. , [deleted], You can try to approach your school board about having cameras placed in classrooms. Teachers unions try to fight it, but unless it's a private office, they have an uphill battle. Still, you won't have a camera everywhere.  The listening in features of things like angelsense can be an option. But, this would almost certainly pose a problem with eavesdropping laws. I've heard of schools requiring to be placed on the app's caregiver team so they can be sure features are turned off.  Other than that - you're stuck finding out who's in this classroom, what happens if someone's absent (who fills in?) and doing background checks.  It isn't easy. One of my sons was assaulted by a teacher. I'd suggest dropping off and picking up and trying to get facetime with those working with your child. Trust your gut. , You really shouldn't worry about his safety until you meet the team. I think you will be surprised with how few biological men are in this line of work., That’s a great idea! Thank you, I really REALLY want to use the listening features of angelsense but you’re 100% right about the eavesdropping laws The school doesn’t have cameras but I can raise it. Is there even a way to raise this without making the teachers uncomfortable? It’s such an awkward conversation because I feel like I’m accusing them without accusing them. I’m so sorry to hear about your little one. It’s my worst nightmare. Some people are just absolutely despicable and I hope you and your son are ok, Meeting the team is definitely on the cards -though to be honest I’m not just worried about male team members -females can be pedophiles too (albeit it’s a known lower probability), I regularly hire PASEN for advocacy services. One of their advocates, Jackie Darrough, gave me some documentation about approaching school boards about this. That was ages ago though - you could try reaching out to her through their Facebook page (IEP/504 support)  I'd start with e-mailing members of the board.  I'd emphasize the benefits to teachers: if you're falsely accused of something (by a family, by a vindictive co-worker), a camera can be a saving grace.  I'd also talk about the particulars around how long footage can be stored and under what circumstances it can be reviewed, and by whom. I think teachers are worried about being under constant surveillance by teachers and administration, which is a valid worry.  Of course... There's always the risk there won't be fidelity and that an administrator will have constant access. , [deleted], You can try to approach your school board about having cameras placed in classrooms. Teachers unions try to fight it, but unless it's a private office, they have an uphill battle. Still, you won't have a camera everywhere.  The listening in features of things like angelsense can be an option. But, this would almost certainly pose a problem with eavesdropping laws. I've heard of schools requiring to be placed on the app's caregiver team so they can be sure features are turned off.  Other than that - you're stuck finding out who's in this classroom, what happens if someone's absent (who fills in?) and doing background checks.  It isn't easy. One of my sons was assaulted by a teacher. I'd suggest dropping off and picking up and trying to get facetime with those working with your child. Trust your gut. , You really shouldn't worry about his safety until you meet the team. I think you will be surprised with how few biological men are in this line of work., That’s a great idea! Thank you, I really REALLY want to use the listening features of angelsense but you’re 100% right about the eavesdropping laws The school doesn’t have cameras but I can raise it. Is there even a way to raise this without making the teachers uncomfortable? It’s such an awkward conversation because I feel like I’m accusing them without accusing them. I’m so sorry to hear about your little one. It’s my worst nightmare. Some people are just absolutely despicable and I hope you and your son are ok, Meeting the team is definitely on the cards -though to be honest I’m not just worried about male team members -females can be pedophiles too (albeit it’s a known lower probability), I regularly hire PASEN for advocacy services. One of their advocates, Jackie Darrough, gave me some documentation about approaching school boards about this. That was ages ago though - you could try reaching out to her through their Facebook page (IEP/504 support)  I'd start with e-mailing members of the board.  I'd emphasize the benefits to teachers: if you're falsely accused of something (by a family, by a vindictive co-worker), a camera can be a saving grace.  I'd also talk about the particulars around how long footage can be stored and under what circumstances it can be reviewed, and by whom. I think teachers are worried about being under constant surveillance by teachers and administration, which is a valid worry.  Of course... There's always the risk there won't be fidelity and that an administrator will have constant access. , [deleted], You can try to approach your school board about having cameras placed in classrooms. Teachers unions try to fight it, but unless it's a private office, they have an uphill battle. Still, you won't have a camera everywhere.  The listening in features of things like angelsense can be an option. But, this would almost certainly pose a problem with eavesdropping laws. I've heard of schools requiring to be placed on the app's caregiver team so they can be sure features are turned off.  Other than that - you're stuck finding out who's in this classroom, what happens if someone's absent (who fills in?) and doing background checks.  It isn't easy. One of my sons was assaulted by a teacher. I'd suggest dropping off and picking up and trying to get facetime with those working with your child. Trust your gut. , You really shouldn't worry about his safety until you meet the team. I think you will be surprised with how few biological men are in this line of work., That’s a great idea! Thank you, I really REALLY want to use the listening features of angelsense but you’re 100% right about the eavesdropping laws The school doesn’t have cameras but I can raise it. Is there even a way to raise this without making the teachers uncomfortable? It’s such an awkward conversation because I feel like I’m accusing them without accusing them. I’m so sorry to hear about your little one. It’s my worst nightmare. Some people are just absolutely despicable and I hope you and your son are ok, Meeting the team is definitely on the cards -though to be honest I’m not just worried about male team members -females can be pedophiles too (albeit it’s a known lower probability), I regularly hire PASEN for advocacy services. One of their advocates, Jackie Darrough, gave me some documentation about approaching school boards about this. That was ages ago though - you could try reaching out to her through their Facebook page (IEP/504 support)  I'd start with e-mailing members of the board.  I'd emphasize the benefits to teachers: if you're falsely accused of something (by a family, by a vindictive co-worker), a camera can be a saving grace.  I'd also talk about the particulars around how long footage can be stored and under what circumstances it can be reviewed, and by whom. I think teachers are worried about being under constant surveillance by teachers and administration, which is a valid worry.  Of course... There's always the risk there won't be fidelity and that an administrator will have constant access. , [deleted], You can try to approach your school board about having cameras placed in classrooms. Teachers unions try to fight it, but unless it's a private office, they have an uphill battle. Still, you won't have a camera everywhere.  The listening in features of things like angelsense can be an option. But, this would almost certainly pose a problem with eavesdropping laws. I've heard of schools requiring to be placed on the app's caregiver team so they can be sure features are turned off.  Other than that - you're stuck finding out who's in this classroom, what happens if someone's absent (who fills in?) and doing background checks.  It isn't easy. One of my sons was assaulted by a teacher. I'd suggest dropping off and picking up and trying to get facetime with those working with your child. Trust your gut. , You really shouldn't worry about his safety until you meet the team. I think you will be surprised with how few biological men are in this line of work., That’s a great idea! Thank you, I really REALLY want to use the listening features of angelsense but you’re 100% right about the eavesdropping laws The school doesn’t have cameras but I can raise it. Is there even a way to raise this without making the teachers uncomfortable? It’s such an awkward conversation because I feel like I’m accusing them without accusing them. I’m so sorry to hear about your little one. It’s my worst nightmare. Some people are just absolutely despicable and I hope you and your son are ok, Meeting the team is definitely on the cards -though to be honest I’m not just worried about male team members -females can be pedophiles too (albeit it’s a known lower probability), I regularly hire PASEN for advocacy services. One of their advocates, Jackie Darrough, gave me some documentation about approaching school boards about this. That was ages ago though - you could try reaching out to her through their Facebook page (IEP/504 support)  I'd start with e-mailing members of the board.  I'd emphasize the benefits to teachers: if you're falsely accused of something (by a family, by a vindictive co-worker), a camera can be a saving grace.  I'd also talk about the particulars around how long footage can be stored and under what circumstances it can be reviewed, and by whom. I think teachers are worried about being under constant surveillance by teachers and administration, which is a valid worry.  Of course... There's always the risk there won't be fidelity and that an administrator will have constant access. , [deleted], You can try to approach your school board about having cameras placed in classrooms. Teachers unions try to fight it, but unless it's a private office, they have an uphill battle. Still, you won't have a camera everywhere.  The listening in features of things like angelsense can be an option. But, this would almost certainly pose a problem with eavesdropping laws. I've heard of schools requiring to be placed on the app's caregiver team so they can be sure features are turned off.  Other than that - you're stuck finding out who's in this classroom, what happens if someone's absent (who fills in?) and doing background checks.  It isn't easy. One of my sons was assaulted by a teacher. I'd suggest dropping off and picking up and trying to get facetime with those working with your child. Trust your gut. , You really shouldn't worry about his safety until you meet the team. I think you will be surprised with how few biological men are in this line of work., That’s a great idea! Thank you, I really REALLY want to use the listening features of angelsense but you’re 100% right about the eavesdropping laws The school doesn’t have cameras but I can raise it. Is there even a way to raise this without making the teachers uncomfortable? It’s such an awkward conversation because I feel like I’m accusing them without accusing them. I’m so sorry to hear about your little one. It’s my worst nightmare. Some people are just absolutely despicable and I hope you and your son are ok, Meeting the team is definitely on the cards -though to be honest I’m not just worried about male team members -females can be pedophiles too (albeit it’s a known lower probability), I regularly hire PASEN for advocacy services. One of their advocates, Jackie Darrough, gave me some documentation about approaching school boards about this. That was ages ago though - you could try reaching out to her through their Facebook page (IEP/504 support)  I'd start with e-mailing members of the board.  I'd emphasize the benefits to teachers: if you're falsely accused of something (by a family, by a vindictive co-worker), a camera can be a saving grace.  I'd also talk about the particulars around how long footage can be stored and under what circumstances it can be reviewed, and by whom. I think teachers are worried about being under constant surveillance by teachers and administration, which is a valid worry.  Of course... There's always the risk there won't be fidelity and that an administrator will have constant access. 

Son with autism walks around aimlessly, hard to get him to focus.

Hi everyone! My son is 3 years old completely nonverbal at the moment. I’m making this post because I’m having a lot of mom guilt and seeing if anyone can relate… it’s nice to feel like you’re not alone with feelings like this. My son walks around aimlessly with a charger cord that he has grown obsessed with I’ve noticed that when he focuses on the charger it helps him block out the sounds and everything going on around him. I want him to be interested in other things as well to help with his development. I take the cord away and sit down on the floor and start playing with things to get him interested it’s hard for my son to sit down but he’s getting there he will sit down for (not for too long) and do a puzzle with me which is amazing but he has so much energy it’s hard for him to focus on things it’s like he gets an itch and just has to be up running around at all times. Is anyone else’s child with autism like this as well? I’m having so much guilt because some days it feels like I’m not doing enough.💔 How can I help him😞 He has a trampoline, swing, slide, balancing beam, and other things to help regulate. I know this is a form of stimming and stimming is a wonderful thing! But I just want to help him focus on other things too…. please be kind thank you

Whatever he’s obsessed with, use it to your advantage, make it an opportunity to teach him things. My daughter when she was 2yo had no receptive language and no joint attention, and would also not stay still. She liked to spin things. I did a “child-led play time” approach. When she’d spin a toy or something, I would sit next to her, wherever she was, and just talk to her in an animated and exaggerated tone, saying things like: “Woooah, it’s spinning!! It’s spinning so fast! You’re making the toy spin so fast! Woooah! Spinniiiing!!” I would also take a toy and play with it next to her. Couples months later she started saying some words. And then there was that one day, I’ll ALWAYS remember, we were sitting in front of our home on a summer day, and she just pointed at something in the distance and said: “it’s spinning!” I thought she was just saying whatever, but I looked toward where she was pointing and it was… a crane, that was high up and spinning!! From that moment on I knew she had the potential to learn and speak and communicate. So this is just one example but I also did this approach with tons of other situations with her and I just kept talking to her a lot, repeating a lot, always in an enthusiastic tone, playing next to her, following her interests. If they can’t focus and won’t take the initiative to do things with us, we have to follow them!, Grab another charger cord, get down on his level, and copy whatever he does*. And narrate whatever you’re doing - or even just sounds “weee! Swishhhhh” etc Edit:typo, You might also let him keep his comfort/focus item (cord) instead of taking it away., My son used to be obsessed with specific things but would grow out of it over time. There was a time he had to hold a leaf all day and was fascinated by it. Then one day he didn’t care anymore and moved onto something else. He also would be constantly moving around non stop all day long but has slowly been able to sit down if we tell him to. We got him a small table with chairs and put his toys on it and he would sit down a bit. At that young age they are just very curious about everything., My son also loves charger cords! Thought he was the only one 😂 his obsession with them has definitely faded over time and he now has lots of other toys he likes to play with as well, but I still think it’s so cute when he does randomly find a charger cord and gets super excited and happy. Not sure if it’s the same for your son- but I realized it is more of a sensory thing for mine. He loves the feeling of holding the cord in his hand and flipping it back and forth. Once I realized that, I started looking for similar types of toys that are flexible and can be bent/manipulated. For example he LOVES this silicone rainbow stacker toy (I’ll link it below). And like others have mentioned, I’ll use his interests to engage him and use it as a learning opportunity. The rainbow toy is great because even though he spends a lot of time just carrying it around flipping it back and forth, he will still spend some time sitting with me to practice stacking them, naming the colors, etc. And since he will actually pay attention because he loves the toy so much, I always use it as an opportunity to repeat a bunch of words while he’s engaged https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08XBCVHXY/?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B08XBCVHXY&ref_=sxts_sparkle_sbv&qid=1712374331&pd_rd_w=Nmfyd&content-id=amzn1.sym.4870a952-0dfa-4beb-9d2a-7a52537f019d%3Aamzn1.sym.4870a952-0dfa-4beb-9d2a-7a52537f019d&pf_rd_p=4870a952-0dfa-4beb-9d2a-7a52537f019d&pf_rd_r=AX4X58EM649ZQ8B89PVK&pd_rd_wg=DcGJp&pd_rd_r=e0700df9-ca93-4c82-b413-7cc1dce07f77&pd_rd_plhdr=t, My son just turned 3 (nonverbal lvl 2) while he can “play” with cars (mostly lining them up and moving back and forwards). He can’t sit still he just started inclusive preschool this last week and teacher is like yeah he can’t sit still. It doesn’t surprise me, my son can’t sit still and snuggle for a movie unless he is sick., My nonverbal son was like that too, he couldn't sit still. Therapists always wanted to make him sit, but i actually like it when he goes around exploring. Now he's nearly 4 years old, he can sit longer when he's focusing on activities that he wants to do. I guess, sitting comes with age., My son is 4.5 and sounds like he was your exact copy when he was 3. Always on the go, hard to get him to sit still for an activity and loved having a charger cable in hand. When I tried to get him to focus on an activity I tried to work in some physical movement to compliment his need for movement. After you fit a puzzle piece, do a little dance. After you make the cars zoom down the hallway, have a race to go collect them. He'll stay in the activity longer if it doesn't feel like a chore. As for the cable, find a more suitable "dangly" toy. We found these silicone noodle toys that he loves. And it's safe to take on the go with us. 12Pcs 6 Color Stretchy String Fidget Sensory Toys Monkey Noodle Fidget Toy Stress Relief Toys Calming Noodle Fidget Stress and Anxiety Toys for Stocking Stuffers Birthday Party Favors https://a.co/d/a3pCAeE Keep going, you're doing great!, My son was like that as a toddler. He was permanently “on the go “except during ABA therapy (but his RBTs had to start with a long pairing of play based interaction). It’s difficult for me to say if this would have changed,he went to pre-school and from there it was downhill. He’s had zero attention spam, any little achievement he gained was in ABA, eventually lost or re-gained. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here because I wouldn’t want to scare you. The combo of always “on the go” and no joint attention is really a developmental train wreck. Change the course, the sooner the better, I am not an expert or even an experienced parent feel free to ignore my advice. My daughter was only diagnosed last week, but I started reading this book the other day. I'm just getting into the part about helping children pay attention to new things. It might be helpful for you. It's basically about early intervention that parents can do on their own. An Early Start for Your Child... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B008BT1CTU?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share, My 14 year old daughter has the concentration span of a kitten! Your wee one is just a baby. Just allow him to grow!, 3 year olds get bored just like we do- find things that interest him. If you dont find out what interest him- nobody will., Did his doctor suggest medication? I recommend looking into risperidone they will put a real small amount to start. It can work wonders.., He usually is ok with me talking it for just a moment not too long because he always knows he will get it back! The only way I can really get him to do a puzzle with me is by setting his cord aside because if I don’t he hyper fixates on it and I can’t get him attention!, Do you feel preschool made his attention span worse? I have a 3-year-old and I am having the same issue. He used to be OBSESSED with ABC puzzles, which led to a lot of battles but at least he could sit still and do them for a while. But now he is bored of them and I can't seem to get him to focus on ANYTHING for more than a minute, and he needs constant attention. He's been always on the go since he was a baby, and while certain other things have improved, it feels like his attention span has gotten worse not better in the past 6-9 months, and even worse since starting preschool. His behavior has been awful at preschool, worse than at home, and I am starting to wonder if school is making things worse not better., I'm sorry, I misunderstood. I somehow got the idea that the cord helped him focus. My son had lovies and toys that seemed to settle him down. These included handpuppets that he'd let me use to entertain/teach/communicate with him. It was fascinating watching him figure out what they were doing. I didn't exist at all in those moments...world of wonders., I’m only speaking from my personal experience but yes, it was a terrible mistake to enroll him in public preschool, even with a 1:1 and specialized services. He did not benefit to exposure with typical kids. Any time I would show up unannounced (pre -pandemic era or school shooting security measures) it was a disturbing scene. My child trapped in tricycle screaming, or being pushed in the stroller screaming. This was an upscale neighborhood, but I came to realize a wealthy district doesn’t equal high quality sped services unless they have a dedicated school division or pay for out of district private sped school. Not saying special education is a bad for autism, but a child who is deeply impacted needs maximum interventions, and a mainstream classrooms with supports is not the right approach, Whatever he’s obsessed with, use it to your advantage, make it an opportunity to teach him things. My daughter when she was 2yo had no receptive language and no joint attention, and would also not stay still. She liked to spin things. I did a “child-led play time” approach. When she’d spin a toy or something, I would sit next to her, wherever she was, and just talk to her in an animated and exaggerated tone, saying things like: “Woooah, it’s spinning!! It’s spinning so fast! You’re making the toy spin so fast! Woooah! Spinniiiing!!” I would also take a toy and play with it next to her. Couples months later she started saying some words. And then there was that one day, I’ll ALWAYS remember, we were sitting in front of our home on a summer day, and she just pointed at something in the distance and said: “it’s spinning!” I thought she was just saying whatever, but I looked toward where she was pointing and it was… a crane, that was high up and spinning!! From that moment on I knew she had the potential to learn and speak and communicate. So this is just one example but I also did this approach with tons of other situations with her and I just kept talking to her a lot, repeating a lot, always in an enthusiastic tone, playing next to her, following her interests. If they can’t focus and won’t take the initiative to do things with us, we have to follow them!, Grab another charger cord, get down on his level, and copy whatever he does*. And narrate whatever you’re doing - or even just sounds “weee! Swishhhhh” etc Edit:typo, You might also let him keep his comfort/focus item (cord) instead of taking it away., My son used to be obsessed with specific things but would grow out of it over time. There was a time he had to hold a leaf all day and was fascinated by it. Then one day he didn’t care anymore and moved onto something else. He also would be constantly moving around non stop all day long but has slowly been able to sit down if we tell him to. We got him a small table with chairs and put his toys on it and he would sit down a bit. At that young age they are just very curious about everything., My son also loves charger cords! Thought he was the only one 😂 his obsession with them has definitely faded over time and he now has lots of other toys he likes to play with as well, but I still think it’s so cute when he does randomly find a charger cord and gets super excited and happy. Not sure if it’s the same for your son- but I realized it is more of a sensory thing for mine. He loves the feeling of holding the cord in his hand and flipping it back and forth. Once I realized that, I started looking for similar types of toys that are flexible and can be bent/manipulated. For example he LOVES this silicone rainbow stacker toy (I’ll link it below). And like others have mentioned, I’ll use his interests to engage him and use it as a learning opportunity. The rainbow toy is great because even though he spends a lot of time just carrying it around flipping it back and forth, he will still spend some time sitting with me to practice stacking them, naming the colors, etc. And since he will actually pay attention because he loves the toy so much, I always use it as an opportunity to repeat a bunch of words while he’s engaged https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08XBCVHXY/?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B08XBCVHXY&ref_=sxts_sparkle_sbv&qid=1712374331&pd_rd_w=Nmfyd&content-id=amzn1.sym.4870a952-0dfa-4beb-9d2a-7a52537f019d%3Aamzn1.sym.4870a952-0dfa-4beb-9d2a-7a52537f019d&pf_rd_p=4870a952-0dfa-4beb-9d2a-7a52537f019d&pf_rd_r=AX4X58EM649ZQ8B89PVK&pd_rd_wg=DcGJp&pd_rd_r=e0700df9-ca93-4c82-b413-7cc1dce07f77&pd_rd_plhdr=t, My son just turned 3 (nonverbal lvl 2) while he can “play” with cars (mostly lining them up and moving back and forwards). He can’t sit still he just started inclusive preschool this last week and teacher is like yeah he can’t sit still. It doesn’t surprise me, my son can’t sit still and snuggle for a movie unless he is sick., My nonverbal son was like that too, he couldn't sit still. Therapists always wanted to make him sit, but i actually like it when he goes around exploring. Now he's nearly 4 years old, he can sit longer when he's focusing on activities that he wants to do. I guess, sitting comes with age., My son is 4.5 and sounds like he was your exact copy when he was 3. Always on the go, hard to get him to sit still for an activity and loved having a charger cable in hand. When I tried to get him to focus on an activity I tried to work in some physical movement to compliment his need for movement. After you fit a puzzle piece, do a little dance. After you make the cars zoom down the hallway, have a race to go collect them. He'll stay in the activity longer if it doesn't feel like a chore. As for the cable, find a more suitable "dangly" toy. We found these silicone noodle toys that he loves. And it's safe to take on the go with us. 12Pcs 6 Color Stretchy String Fidget Sensory Toys Monkey Noodle Fidget Toy Stress Relief Toys Calming Noodle Fidget Stress and Anxiety Toys for Stocking Stuffers Birthday Party Favors https://a.co/d/a3pCAeE Keep going, you're doing great!, My son was like that as a toddler. He was permanently “on the go “except during ABA therapy (but his RBTs had to start with a long pairing of play based interaction). It’s difficult for me to say if this would have changed,he went to pre-school and from there it was downhill. He’s had zero attention spam, any little achievement he gained was in ABA, eventually lost or re-gained. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here because I wouldn’t want to scare you. The combo of always “on the go” and no joint attention is really a developmental train wreck. Change the course, the sooner the better, I am not an expert or even an experienced parent feel free to ignore my advice. My daughter was only diagnosed last week, but I started reading this book the other day. I'm just getting into the part about helping children pay attention to new things. It might be helpful for you. It's basically about early intervention that parents can do on their own. An Early Start for Your Child... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B008BT1CTU?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share, My 14 year old daughter has the concentration span of a kitten! Your wee one is just a baby. Just allow him to grow!, 3 year olds get bored just like we do- find things that interest him. If you dont find out what interest him- nobody will., Did his doctor suggest medication? I recommend looking into risperidone they will put a real small amount to start. It can work wonders.., He usually is ok with me talking it for just a moment not too long because he always knows he will get it back! The only way I can really get him to do a puzzle with me is by setting his cord aside because if I don’t he hyper fixates on it and I can’t get him attention!, Do you feel preschool made his attention span worse? I have a 3-year-old and I am having the same issue. He used to be OBSESSED with ABC puzzles, which led to a lot of battles but at least he could sit still and do them for a while. But now he is bored of them and I can't seem to get him to focus on ANYTHING for more than a minute, and he needs constant attention. He's been always on the go since he was a baby, and while certain other things have improved, it feels like his attention span has gotten worse not better in the past 6-9 months, and even worse since starting preschool. His behavior has been awful at preschool, worse than at home, and I am starting to wonder if school is making things worse not better., I'm sorry, I misunderstood. I somehow got the idea that the cord helped him focus. My son had lovies and toys that seemed to settle him down. These included handpuppets that he'd let me use to entertain/teach/communicate with him. It was fascinating watching him figure out what they were doing. I didn't exist at all in those moments...world of wonders., I’m only speaking from my personal experience but yes, it was a terrible mistake to enroll him in public preschool, even with a 1:1 and specialized services. He did not benefit to exposure with typical kids. Any time I would show up unannounced (pre -pandemic era or school shooting security measures) it was a disturbing scene. My child trapped in tricycle screaming, or being pushed in the stroller screaming. This was an upscale neighborhood, but I came to realize a wealthy district doesn’t equal high quality sped services unless they have a dedicated school division or pay for out of district private sped school. Not saying special education is a bad for autism, but a child who is deeply impacted needs maximum interventions, and a mainstream classrooms with supports is not the right approach, Whatever he’s obsessed with, use it to your advantage, make it an opportunity to teach him things. My daughter when she was 2yo had no receptive language and no joint attention, and would also not stay still. She liked to spin things. I did a “child-led play time” approach. When she’d spin a toy or something, I would sit next to her, wherever she was, and just talk to her in an animated and exaggerated tone, saying things like: “Woooah, it’s spinning!! It’s spinning so fast! You’re making the toy spin so fast! Woooah! Spinniiiing!!” I would also take a toy and play with it next to her. Couples months later she started saying some words. And then there was that one day, I’ll ALWAYS remember, we were sitting in front of our home on a summer day, and she just pointed at something in the distance and said: “it’s spinning!” I thought she was just saying whatever, but I looked toward where she was pointing and it was… a crane, that was high up and spinning!! From that moment on I knew she had the potential to learn and speak and communicate. So this is just one example but I also did this approach with tons of other situations with her and I just kept talking to her a lot, repeating a lot, always in an enthusiastic tone, playing next to her, following her interests. If they can’t focus and won’t take the initiative to do things with us, we have to follow them!, Grab another charger cord, get down on his level, and copy whatever he does*. And narrate whatever you’re doing - or even just sounds “weee! Swishhhhh” etc Edit:typo, You might also let him keep his comfort/focus item (cord) instead of taking it away., My son used to be obsessed with specific things but would grow out of it over time. There was a time he had to hold a leaf all day and was fascinated by it. Then one day he didn’t care anymore and moved onto something else. He also would be constantly moving around non stop all day long but has slowly been able to sit down if we tell him to. We got him a small table with chairs and put his toys on it and he would sit down a bit. At that young age they are just very curious about everything., My son also loves charger cords! Thought he was the only one 😂 his obsession with them has definitely faded over time and he now has lots of other toys he likes to play with as well, but I still think it’s so cute when he does randomly find a charger cord and gets super excited and happy. Not sure if it’s the same for your son- but I realized it is more of a sensory thing for mine. He loves the feeling of holding the cord in his hand and flipping it back and forth. Once I realized that, I started looking for similar types of toys that are flexible and can be bent/manipulated. For example he LOVES this silicone rainbow stacker toy (I’ll link it below). And like others have mentioned, I’ll use his interests to engage him and use it as a learning opportunity. The rainbow toy is great because even though he spends a lot of time just carrying it around flipping it back and forth, he will still spend some time sitting with me to practice stacking them, naming the colors, etc. And since he will actually pay attention because he loves the toy so much, I always use it as an opportunity to repeat a bunch of words while he’s engaged https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08XBCVHXY/?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B08XBCVHXY&ref_=sxts_sparkle_sbv&qid=1712374331&pd_rd_w=Nmfyd&content-id=amzn1.sym.4870a952-0dfa-4beb-9d2a-7a52537f019d%3Aamzn1.sym.4870a952-0dfa-4beb-9d2a-7a52537f019d&pf_rd_p=4870a952-0dfa-4beb-9d2a-7a52537f019d&pf_rd_r=AX4X58EM649ZQ8B89PVK&pd_rd_wg=DcGJp&pd_rd_r=e0700df9-ca93-4c82-b413-7cc1dce07f77&pd_rd_plhdr=t, My son just turned 3 (nonverbal lvl 2) while he can “play” with cars (mostly lining them up and moving back and forwards). He can’t sit still he just started inclusive preschool this last week and teacher is like yeah he can’t sit still. It doesn’t surprise me, my son can’t sit still and snuggle for a movie unless he is sick., My nonverbal son was like that too, he couldn't sit still. Therapists always wanted to make him sit, but i actually like it when he goes around exploring. Now he's nearly 4 years old, he can sit longer when he's focusing on activities that he wants to do. I guess, sitting comes with age., My son is 4.5 and sounds like he was your exact copy when he was 3. Always on the go, hard to get him to sit still for an activity and loved having a charger cable in hand. When I tried to get him to focus on an activity I tried to work in some physical movement to compliment his need for movement. After you fit a puzzle piece, do a little dance. After you make the cars zoom down the hallway, have a race to go collect them. He'll stay in the activity longer if it doesn't feel like a chore. As for the cable, find a more suitable "dangly" toy. We found these silicone noodle toys that he loves. And it's safe to take on the go with us. 12Pcs 6 Color Stretchy String Fidget Sensory Toys Monkey Noodle Fidget Toy Stress Relief Toys Calming Noodle Fidget Stress and Anxiety Toys for Stocking Stuffers Birthday Party Favors https://a.co/d/a3pCAeE Keep going, you're doing great!, My son was like that as a toddler. He was permanently “on the go “except during ABA therapy (but his RBTs had to start with a long pairing of play based interaction). It’s difficult for me to say if this would have changed,he went to pre-school and from there it was downhill. He’s had zero attention spam, any little achievement he gained was in ABA, eventually lost or re-gained. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here because I wouldn’t want to scare you. The combo of always “on the go” and no joint attention is really a developmental train wreck. Change the course, the sooner the better, I am not an expert or even an experienced parent feel free to ignore my advice. My daughter was only diagnosed last week, but I started reading this book the other day. I'm just getting into the part about helping children pay attention to new things. It might be helpful for you. It's basically about early intervention that parents can do on their own. An Early Start for Your Child... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B008BT1CTU?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share, My 14 year old daughter has the concentration span of a kitten! Your wee one is just a baby. Just allow him to grow!, 3 year olds get bored just like we do- find things that interest him. If you dont find out what interest him- nobody will., Did his doctor suggest medication? I recommend looking into risperidone they will put a real small amount to start. It can work wonders.., He usually is ok with me talking it for just a moment not too long because he always knows he will get it back! The only way I can really get him to do a puzzle with me is by setting his cord aside because if I don’t he hyper fixates on it and I can’t get him attention!, Do you feel preschool made his attention span worse? I have a 3-year-old and I am having the same issue. He used to be OBSESSED with ABC puzzles, which led to a lot of battles but at least he could sit still and do them for a while. But now he is bored of them and I can't seem to get him to focus on ANYTHING for more than a minute, and he needs constant attention. He's been always on the go since he was a baby, and while certain other things have improved, it feels like his attention span has gotten worse not better in the past 6-9 months, and even worse since starting preschool. His behavior has been awful at preschool, worse than at home, and I am starting to wonder if school is making things worse not better., I'm sorry, I misunderstood. I somehow got the idea that the cord helped him focus. My son had lovies and toys that seemed to settle him down. These included handpuppets that he'd let me use to entertain/teach/communicate with him. It was fascinating watching him figure out what they were doing. I didn't exist at all in those moments...world of wonders., I’m only speaking from my personal experience but yes, it was a terrible mistake to enroll him in public preschool, even with a 1:1 and specialized services. He did not benefit to exposure with typical kids. Any time I would show up unannounced (pre -pandemic era or school shooting security measures) it was a disturbing scene. My child trapped in tricycle screaming, or being pushed in the stroller screaming. This was an upscale neighborhood, but I came to realize a wealthy district doesn’t equal high quality sped services unless they have a dedicated school division or pay for out of district private sped school. Not saying special education is a bad for autism, but a child who is deeply impacted needs maximum interventions, and a mainstream classrooms with supports is not the right approach, Whatever he’s obsessed with, use it to your advantage, make it an opportunity to teach him things. My daughter when she was 2yo had no receptive language and no joint attention, and would also not stay still. She liked to spin things. I did a “child-led play time” approach. When she’d spin a toy or something, I would sit next to her, wherever she was, and just talk to her in an animated and exaggerated tone, saying things like: “Woooah, it’s spinning!! It’s spinning so fast! You’re making the toy spin so fast! Woooah! Spinniiiing!!” I would also take a toy and play with it next to her. Couples months later she started saying some words. And then there was that one day, I’ll ALWAYS remember, we were sitting in front of our home on a summer day, and she just pointed at something in the distance and said: “it’s spinning!” I thought she was just saying whatever, but I looked toward where she was pointing and it was… a crane, that was high up and spinning!! From that moment on I knew she had the potential to learn and speak and communicate. So this is just one example but I also did this approach with tons of other situations with her and I just kept talking to her a lot, repeating a lot, always in an enthusiastic tone, playing next to her, following her interests. If they can’t focus and won’t take the initiative to do things with us, we have to follow them!, Grab another charger cord, get down on his level, and copy whatever he does*. And narrate whatever you’re doing - or even just sounds “weee! Swishhhhh” etc Edit:typo, You might also let him keep his comfort/focus item (cord) instead of taking it away., My son used to be obsessed with specific things but would grow out of it over time. There was a time he had to hold a leaf all day and was fascinated by it. Then one day he didn’t care anymore and moved onto something else. He also would be constantly moving around non stop all day long but has slowly been able to sit down if we tell him to. We got him a small table with chairs and put his toys on it and he would sit down a bit. At that young age they are just very curious about everything., My son also loves charger cords! Thought he was the only one 😂 his obsession with them has definitely faded over time and he now has lots of other toys he likes to play with as well, but I still think it’s so cute when he does randomly find a charger cord and gets super excited and happy. Not sure if it’s the same for your son- but I realized it is more of a sensory thing for mine. He loves the feeling of holding the cord in his hand and flipping it back and forth. Once I realized that, I started looking for similar types of toys that are flexible and can be bent/manipulated. For example he LOVES this silicone rainbow stacker toy (I’ll link it below). And like others have mentioned, I’ll use his interests to engage him and use it as a learning opportunity. The rainbow toy is great because even though he spends a lot of time just carrying it around flipping it back and forth, he will still spend some time sitting with me to practice stacking them, naming the colors, etc. And since he will actually pay attention because he loves the toy so much, I always use it as an opportunity to repeat a bunch of words while he’s engaged https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08XBCVHXY/?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B08XBCVHXY&ref_=sxts_sparkle_sbv&qid=1712374331&pd_rd_w=Nmfyd&content-id=amzn1.sym.4870a952-0dfa-4beb-9d2a-7a52537f019d%3Aamzn1.sym.4870a952-0dfa-4beb-9d2a-7a52537f019d&pf_rd_p=4870a952-0dfa-4beb-9d2a-7a52537f019d&pf_rd_r=AX4X58EM649ZQ8B89PVK&pd_rd_wg=DcGJp&pd_rd_r=e0700df9-ca93-4c82-b413-7cc1dce07f77&pd_rd_plhdr=t, My son just turned 3 (nonverbal lvl 2) while he can “play” with cars (mostly lining them up and moving back and forwards). He can’t sit still he just started inclusive preschool this last week and teacher is like yeah he can’t sit still. It doesn’t surprise me, my son can’t sit still and snuggle for a movie unless he is sick., My nonverbal son was like that too, he couldn't sit still. Therapists always wanted to make him sit, but i actually like it when he goes around exploring. Now he's nearly 4 years old, he can sit longer when he's focusing on activities that he wants to do. I guess, sitting comes with age., My son is 4.5 and sounds like he was your exact copy when he was 3. Always on the go, hard to get him to sit still for an activity and loved having a charger cable in hand. When I tried to get him to focus on an activity I tried to work in some physical movement to compliment his need for movement. After you fit a puzzle piece, do a little dance. After you make the cars zoom down the hallway, have a race to go collect them. He'll stay in the activity longer if it doesn't feel like a chore. As for the cable, find a more suitable "dangly" toy. We found these silicone noodle toys that he loves. And it's safe to take on the go with us. 12Pcs 6 Color Stretchy String Fidget Sensory Toys Monkey Noodle Fidget Toy Stress Relief Toys Calming Noodle Fidget Stress and Anxiety Toys for Stocking Stuffers Birthday Party Favors https://a.co/d/a3pCAeE Keep going, you're doing great!, My son was like that as a toddler. He was permanently “on the go “except during ABA therapy (but his RBTs had to start with a long pairing of play based interaction). It’s difficult for me to say if this would have changed,he went to pre-school and from there it was downhill. He’s had zero attention spam, any little achievement he gained was in ABA, eventually lost or re-gained. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here because I wouldn’t want to scare you. The combo of always “on the go” and no joint attention is really a developmental train wreck. Change the course, the sooner the better, I am not an expert or even an experienced parent feel free to ignore my advice. My daughter was only diagnosed last week, but I started reading this book the other day. I'm just getting into the part about helping children pay attention to new things. It might be helpful for you. It's basically about early intervention that parents can do on their own. An Early Start for Your Child... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B008BT1CTU?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share, My 14 year old daughter has the concentration span of a kitten! Your wee one is just a baby. Just allow him to grow!, 3 year olds get bored just like we do- find things that interest him. If you dont find out what interest him- nobody will., Did his doctor suggest medication? I recommend looking into risperidone they will put a real small amount to start. It can work wonders.., He usually is ok with me talking it for just a moment not too long because he always knows he will get it back! The only way I can really get him to do a puzzle with me is by setting his cord aside because if I don’t he hyper fixates on it and I can’t get him attention!, Do you feel preschool made his attention span worse? I have a 3-year-old and I am having the same issue. He used to be OBSESSED with ABC puzzles, which led to a lot of battles but at least he could sit still and do them for a while. But now he is bored of them and I can't seem to get him to focus on ANYTHING for more than a minute, and he needs constant attention. He's been always on the go since he was a baby, and while certain other things have improved, it feels like his attention span has gotten worse not better in the past 6-9 months, and even worse since starting preschool. His behavior has been awful at preschool, worse than at home, and I am starting to wonder if school is making things worse not better., I'm sorry, I misunderstood. I somehow got the idea that the cord helped him focus. My son had lovies and toys that seemed to settle him down. These included handpuppets that he'd let me use to entertain/teach/communicate with him. It was fascinating watching him figure out what they were doing. I didn't exist at all in those moments...world of wonders., I’m only speaking from my personal experience but yes, it was a terrible mistake to enroll him in public preschool, even with a 1:1 and specialized services. He did not benefit to exposure with typical kids. Any time I would show up unannounced (pre -pandemic era or school shooting security measures) it was a disturbing scene. My child trapped in tricycle screaming, or being pushed in the stroller screaming. This was an upscale neighborhood, but I came to realize a wealthy district doesn’t equal high quality sped services unless they have a dedicated school division or pay for out of district private sped school. Not saying special education is a bad for autism, but a child who is deeply impacted needs maximum interventions, and a mainstream classrooms with supports is not the right approach

Son’s attention span is absurdly short

4 out of 5 people in my family have ADHD, however my son, who is 7 years old, autistic + adhd, has the attention of a gnat. It’s unbelievably short. I have never seen or heard of anything like it. He won’t even sit still to read one book unless you force him to. If you sit him down and try to work on anything academic he can’t focus without constant micromanaging and prompts from you. Even with constant attention, his mind is wandering and he needs lots of repetition. We have been starting the process of trying different medications, the first one that the doctor was really hopeful for doesn’t seem to do much if anything and we’ve tried a few increasing dosages. He’s a tiny kid so we don’t love putting him on stimulants but it seems impossible to avoid at this point. He’ll be in 1st grade next year and he knows his phonics sounds but can barely read any CVC words consistently. He struggles with very basic addition. It’s starting to worry us- what if we can’t find a medication that’s effective? I literally don’t think he will learn to read or do basic math ever, unless we can get him to attend for longer periods of time. Anyone have any experience or ideas?

I do. It is shit. We are waiting to see a psychiatrist to get started on meds at 9 years of age. Even though he has the attention span to read a bit, his comprehension is appalling. He starts yawning the moment we sit to do homework. He has always been quite small and not an enthusiastic eater, so I am really worried about stimulants. The only positive that I hold on to is that long-term studies show that taking stimulants earlier in life actually helps the brain develop in a more typical way. And even if they stop taking meds later in life - the outcomes are better than without the meds., My daughter needs Concerta to focus long enough to retain anything. On unmedicated days, she will ask me the same question every minute or two because she can't remember asking the first time. She's still woefully behind at 8. The psychologist tested her at Kinder levels for her math and reading skills. We're taking it one day at a time. It's not her fault. Also, she's itty bitty, too! FTT for several years. Her pediatrician follows her weight and height like a hawk. As much as possible, he has asked for her meds to only be used for school days to help her eat more., The effect medications have (stimulant and non-stimulant) seem to vary greatly between kids. One of mine became a zombie on the medication that the other kid does perfectly on. It took us a year to find a medication/dosage that worked for one of the kids. My advice is just don’t give up! You’ve only just started! Don’t let yourself get down just because you didn’t find the right thing immediately. It’s a hard journey. I ended up homeschooling my severe ADHD kiddo for a year while we figured out the medication thing because they literally could not be in school. It was like raising a crazed bull who also thought everything they did was funny. Poor kid., The pros of stimulants: The moment we started medication, it was like night and day. He was able to stop humming/moving around and focus instead of humming, listening to music, fidgeting and doing something all at the same time. He was able to read a book and recall the plot, interesting parts and characters instead of forgetting what happened in the previous page. He was able to recall and describe memories in his own words using more than one full sentence instead of using echolalia, grunts and single words and getting upset with us for not understanding him. We were able to move beyond single steps. Directions, tasks, skills, play. He started leveling up into multi-step actions. He displayed fewer "anxious" behaviors, and stopped being so clingy/needing touch. The cons of the stimulants: It took a while to find the right fit of stimulant and dosage. Our AuDHD kid has combined type, and he struggled most when the stimulant stopped being active in his system. He became dysregulated very quickly and abruptly, got very upset from the shock, and escalated into very angry and aggressive meltdowns after school and during the night about anything he didn't understand or felt wrong about. Everything had to be just so, his autism became more noticeable and he was not pleasant to live with during this time. His threshold for stress is very low to begin with, and now that he could focus on the emotions and thought process, he kept getting stuck. He had more trouble transitioning from tasks and play, letting go and moving on, and adapting to changes fluidly. While he was on the stimulant that did not work for his system, our son turned into angry Hulk so rapidly and so often that we all couldn't handle the chaos. He ended up needing a longer lasting stimulant that processes very slowly in and out of the body so that he would have time to physically adjust to the changes. We have switched to a different stimulant extended release and he is doing a lot better now. He had the most dysregulation with Adderall both IR & ER, and he currently takes methylphenidate (aka Ritalin) XR twice a day. He also takes guanfacine once a day in the afternoon. It reduces the rate and severity of escalation into Hulk mode by regulating his heartrate & bp. We actually give him his meds at the same time as his meal or right after his meal so that he eats enough food for the stimulant to work properly., Thank you for posting! My son is turning 6 shortly and his attention span is very similar, and I am very worried about his reading and math...and this makes me feel like I am not alone., Be patient with the medication, the first one working well is more of an exception than the rule. Psychiatry is unfortunately lots of trial and error, but you'll hopefully find one that works well and helps your son feel better. One thing worth mentioning is that autistic children can be more sensitive to medications, especially stimulant medication. That means starting on a lower dosage than you'd usually do for the age and weight may be a good idea - side effect of too high a dosage can look similar to meds not working at all., Guanfacine. It is not a stimulant. It is used off label for the treatment of adhd. It also comes in an XR. This could be something to look into. I was also not interested in putting our son on any stimulants, and this medication is what we agreed on. We did find some relief in 2x a day dosing., We put our son on JORNAY and we like it!, My daughter’s attention is incredibly low as well, and is constantly on the move. she’s 8 and I’m considering an adhd dx and meds in the next year or so. My husband has adhd but his parents didn’t pursue a diagnosis for him so I believe he suffered due to not getting the meds and coping skills as a kid. Hopefully we can all find something that works, Stimulants worked well for my child who was similar. As you mentioned with your child, we use them primarily for academic purposes. For some kids stimulants are better than the alternative which is to struggle with learning anything that requires attention and focus to accomplish., Are you doing like flash cards of reading words and basic math at home? My son will run around between pages carrying his book and he also does it while he’s eating. I’d look into an iep for school too, My son also is AUDHD. We used to call him Taz when he was a toddler! He takes Guanfacine for ADHD and Abilify for aggression.  He used to be on Adderall, but he was rail thin. It works though, but I couldn't get his appetite up.  This new combo works well for him. He's focused and calm without side effects. They will help you find the right script. You're absolutely right, until the ADHD is under control he will make no gains. , Stimulants do often cause weight loss, but they did help me gain weight. Being able to sit down long enough to do "boring chores" like eating food enabled me to stick to a decent eating schedule and get enough calories to gain weight. Not everyone's experience, of course, but there's some hope his eating could improve., Thanks for sharing. If you’re on a long wait list, we found a psychiatrist that will diagnose ADHD for ages 9+ over a video call. That’s how we got our daughter quickly diagnosed. There are a lot of doctors who will quickly give an adhd diagnosis if you’re not looking for a full psychological work up., Thanks for sharing. What kind of setup does your daughter have in school? Like what kind of supports or accommodations? Has anything the school has done helped? Struggling with what would be best for our son., What is FTT? I’ve got a super skinny kid., Thanks! We started on 2.5 mg which we were told is the lowest possible dose and isn’t even really expected to be effective it’s more just to test for any weird side effects. We then tried 5 and 7.5. Some adults take as low as 10. Didn’t see any significant difference at home or school. Would have expected to see some sort of reaction whether good or bad., Thanks for sharing. So far we have only tried one medication and it’s a stimulant. What positive effects did you see from that drug?, Recently tried this with my 13 yr old. It seemed to make him sleepy and the teachers reported some unusual irritability. Trying to avoid stimulants because of extremely limited eating already. Now trying an ashwaganda + mushroom gummy, hoping to take the edge off any anxiety, support focus, and help with sleep., The autism is a new diagnosis, but she's had an IEP since she was 3 for speech and then academics and OT. She has a gen Ed class but has significant pull-outs to work on her math and reading skills daily. There are several measurable goals for her in each category. Once a week, she does a speech pullout. Same for OT because her handwriting is awful., I think the medical definition of Failure To Thrive is when a child's weight is below the third percentile. My daughter is 0.3% for weight and completely 0.0% for height. We have done the testing to check her for issues, but everything came up normal., To be honest, we are still working to find the combination of medications my son needs. We started the Guanfacine last year and did see less of the racey behavior. It’s like it gives him some pause, time in between the next thought or action. The results weren’t miraculous but enough to be considered a gain., Unless it’s fda approved, and those gummies aren’t, keep in mind you don’t know what you’re getting. Too many Kratom deaths and salmonella outbreaks. These factories aren’t regulated. Psychedelics also aren’t studied in how they affect development in children as their brains are still developing. Stuff to consider., Oh, we have some weight gain and he is growing. His weight is 3% for his height. So very skinny, but still growing. Thank you for the clarification., No psychedelics. I'm not giving my kid 'shrooms. Ashwagandha + lion's mane + turkey tail from a reputable company. I take it too, at a larger dose. Thanks for the warning, though! Edit: I could buy this at a health food store., I do. It is shit. We are waiting to see a psychiatrist to get started on meds at 9 years of age. Even though he has the attention span to read a bit, his comprehension is appalling. He starts yawning the moment we sit to do homework. He has always been quite small and not an enthusiastic eater, so I am really worried about stimulants. The only positive that I hold on to is that long-term studies show that taking stimulants earlier in life actually helps the brain develop in a more typical way. And even if they stop taking meds later in life - the outcomes are better than without the meds., My daughter needs Concerta to focus long enough to retain anything. On unmedicated days, she will ask me the same question every minute or two because she can't remember asking the first time. She's still woefully behind at 8. The psychologist tested her at Kinder levels for her math and reading skills. We're taking it one day at a time. It's not her fault. Also, she's itty bitty, too! FTT for several years. Her pediatrician follows her weight and height like a hawk. As much as possible, he has asked for her meds to only be used for school days to help her eat more., The effect medications have (stimulant and non-stimulant) seem to vary greatly between kids. One of mine became a zombie on the medication that the other kid does perfectly on. It took us a year to find a medication/dosage that worked for one of the kids. My advice is just don’t give up! You’ve only just started! Don’t let yourself get down just because you didn’t find the right thing immediately. It’s a hard journey. I ended up homeschooling my severe ADHD kiddo for a year while we figured out the medication thing because they literally could not be in school. It was like raising a crazed bull who also thought everything they did was funny. Poor kid., The pros of stimulants: The moment we started medication, it was like night and day. He was able to stop humming/moving around and focus instead of humming, listening to music, fidgeting and doing something all at the same time. He was able to read a book and recall the plot, interesting parts and characters instead of forgetting what happened in the previous page. He was able to recall and describe memories in his own words using more than one full sentence instead of using echolalia, grunts and single words and getting upset with us for not understanding him. We were able to move beyond single steps. Directions, tasks, skills, play. He started leveling up into multi-step actions. He displayed fewer "anxious" behaviors, and stopped being so clingy/needing touch. The cons of the stimulants: It took a while to find the right fit of stimulant and dosage. Our AuDHD kid has combined type, and he struggled most when the stimulant stopped being active in his system. He became dysregulated very quickly and abruptly, got very upset from the shock, and escalated into very angry and aggressive meltdowns after school and during the night about anything he didn't understand or felt wrong about. Everything had to be just so, his autism became more noticeable and he was not pleasant to live with during this time. His threshold for stress is very low to begin with, and now that he could focus on the emotions and thought process, he kept getting stuck. He had more trouble transitioning from tasks and play, letting go and moving on, and adapting to changes fluidly. While he was on the stimulant that did not work for his system, our son turned into angry Hulk so rapidly and so often that we all couldn't handle the chaos. He ended up needing a longer lasting stimulant that processes very slowly in and out of the body so that he would have time to physically adjust to the changes. We have switched to a different stimulant extended release and he is doing a lot better now. He had the most dysregulation with Adderall both IR & ER, and he currently takes methylphenidate (aka Ritalin) XR twice a day. He also takes guanfacine once a day in the afternoon. It reduces the rate and severity of escalation into Hulk mode by regulating his heartrate & bp. We actually give him his meds at the same time as his meal or right after his meal so that he eats enough food for the stimulant to work properly., Thank you for posting! My son is turning 6 shortly and his attention span is very similar, and I am very worried about his reading and math...and this makes me feel like I am not alone., Be patient with the medication, the first one working well is more of an exception than the rule. Psychiatry is unfortunately lots of trial and error, but you'll hopefully find one that works well and helps your son feel better. One thing worth mentioning is that autistic children can be more sensitive to medications, especially stimulant medication. That means starting on a lower dosage than you'd usually do for the age and weight may be a good idea - side effect of too high a dosage can look similar to meds not working at all., Guanfacine. It is not a stimulant. It is used off label for the treatment of adhd. It also comes in an XR. This could be something to look into. I was also not interested in putting our son on any stimulants, and this medication is what we agreed on. We did find some relief in 2x a day dosing., We put our son on JORNAY and we like it!, My daughter’s attention is incredibly low as well, and is constantly on the move. she’s 8 and I’m considering an adhd dx and meds in the next year or so. My husband has adhd but his parents didn’t pursue a diagnosis for him so I believe he suffered due to not getting the meds and coping skills as a kid. Hopefully we can all find something that works, Stimulants worked well for my child who was similar. As you mentioned with your child, we use them primarily for academic purposes. For some kids stimulants are better than the alternative which is to struggle with learning anything that requires attention and focus to accomplish., Are you doing like flash cards of reading words and basic math at home? My son will run around between pages carrying his book and he also does it while he’s eating. I’d look into an iep for school too, My son also is AUDHD. We used to call him Taz when he was a toddler! He takes Guanfacine for ADHD and Abilify for aggression.  He used to be on Adderall, but he was rail thin. It works though, but I couldn't get his appetite up.  This new combo works well for him. He's focused and calm without side effects. They will help you find the right script. You're absolutely right, until the ADHD is under control he will make no gains. , Stimulants do often cause weight loss, but they did help me gain weight. Being able to sit down long enough to do "boring chores" like eating food enabled me to stick to a decent eating schedule and get enough calories to gain weight. Not everyone's experience, of course, but there's some hope his eating could improve., Thanks for sharing. If you’re on a long wait list, we found a psychiatrist that will diagnose ADHD for ages 9+ over a video call. That’s how we got our daughter quickly diagnosed. There are a lot of doctors who will quickly give an adhd diagnosis if you’re not looking for a full psychological work up., Thanks for sharing. What kind of setup does your daughter have in school? Like what kind of supports or accommodations? Has anything the school has done helped? Struggling with what would be best for our son., What is FTT? I’ve got a super skinny kid., Thanks! We started on 2.5 mg which we were told is the lowest possible dose and isn’t even really expected to be effective it’s more just to test for any weird side effects. We then tried 5 and 7.5. Some adults take as low as 10. Didn’t see any significant difference at home or school. Would have expected to see some sort of reaction whether good or bad., Thanks for sharing. So far we have only tried one medication and it’s a stimulant. What positive effects did you see from that drug?, Recently tried this with my 13 yr old. It seemed to make him sleepy and the teachers reported some unusual irritability. Trying to avoid stimulants because of extremely limited eating already. Now trying an ashwaganda + mushroom gummy, hoping to take the edge off any anxiety, support focus, and help with sleep., The autism is a new diagnosis, but she's had an IEP since she was 3 for speech and then academics and OT. She has a gen Ed class but has significant pull-outs to work on her math and reading skills daily. There are several measurable goals for her in each category. Once a week, she does a speech pullout. Same for OT because her handwriting is awful., I think the medical definition of Failure To Thrive is when a child's weight is below the third percentile. My daughter is 0.3% for weight and completely 0.0% for height. We have done the testing to check her for issues, but everything came up normal., To be honest, we are still working to find the combination of medications my son needs. We started the Guanfacine last year and did see less of the racey behavior. It’s like it gives him some pause, time in between the next thought or action. The results weren’t miraculous but enough to be considered a gain., Unless it’s fda approved, and those gummies aren’t, keep in mind you don’t know what you’re getting. Too many Kratom deaths and salmonella outbreaks. These factories aren’t regulated. Psychedelics also aren’t studied in how they affect development in children as their brains are still developing. Stuff to consider., Oh, we have some weight gain and he is growing. His weight is 3% for his height. So very skinny, but still growing. Thank you for the clarification., No psychedelics. I'm not giving my kid 'shrooms. Ashwagandha + lion's mane + turkey tail from a reputable company. I take it too, at a larger dose. Thanks for the warning, though! Edit: I could buy this at a health food store., I do. It is shit. We are waiting to see a psychiatrist to get started on meds at 9 years of age. Even though he has the attention span to read a bit, his comprehension is appalling. He starts yawning the moment we sit to do homework. He has always been quite small and not an enthusiastic eater, so I am really worried about stimulants. The only positive that I hold on to is that long-term studies show that taking stimulants earlier in life actually helps the brain develop in a more typical way. And even if they stop taking meds later in life - the outcomes are better than without the meds., My daughter needs Concerta to focus long enough to retain anything. On unmedicated days, she will ask me the same question every minute or two because she can't remember asking the first time. She's still woefully behind at 8. The psychologist tested her at Kinder levels for her math and reading skills. We're taking it one day at a time. It's not her fault. Also, she's itty bitty, too! FTT for several years. Her pediatrician follows her weight and height like a hawk. As much as possible, he has asked for her meds to only be used for school days to help her eat more., The effect medications have (stimulant and non-stimulant) seem to vary greatly between kids. One of mine became a zombie on the medication that the other kid does perfectly on. It took us a year to find a medication/dosage that worked for one of the kids. My advice is just don’t give up! You’ve only just started! Don’t let yourself get down just because you didn’t find the right thing immediately. It’s a hard journey. I ended up homeschooling my severe ADHD kiddo for a year while we figured out the medication thing because they literally could not be in school. It was like raising a crazed bull who also thought everything they did was funny. Poor kid., The pros of stimulants: The moment we started medication, it was like night and day. He was able to stop humming/moving around and focus instead of humming, listening to music, fidgeting and doing something all at the same time. He was able to read a book and recall the plot, interesting parts and characters instead of forgetting what happened in the previous page. He was able to recall and describe memories in his own words using more than one full sentence instead of using echolalia, grunts and single words and getting upset with us for not understanding him. We were able to move beyond single steps. Directions, tasks, skills, play. He started leveling up into multi-step actions. He displayed fewer "anxious" behaviors, and stopped being so clingy/needing touch. The cons of the stimulants: It took a while to find the right fit of stimulant and dosage. Our AuDHD kid has combined type, and he struggled most when the stimulant stopped being active in his system. He became dysregulated very quickly and abruptly, got very upset from the shock, and escalated into very angry and aggressive meltdowns after school and during the night about anything he didn't understand or felt wrong about. Everything had to be just so, his autism became more noticeable and he was not pleasant to live with during this time. His threshold for stress is very low to begin with, and now that he could focus on the emotions and thought process, he kept getting stuck. He had more trouble transitioning from tasks and play, letting go and moving on, and adapting to changes fluidly. While he was on the stimulant that did not work for his system, our son turned into angry Hulk so rapidly and so often that we all couldn't handle the chaos. He ended up needing a longer lasting stimulant that processes very slowly in and out of the body so that he would have time to physically adjust to the changes. We have switched to a different stimulant extended release and he is doing a lot better now. He had the most dysregulation with Adderall both IR & ER, and he currently takes methylphenidate (aka Ritalin) XR twice a day. He also takes guanfacine once a day in the afternoon. It reduces the rate and severity of escalation into Hulk mode by regulating his heartrate & bp. We actually give him his meds at the same time as his meal or right after his meal so that he eats enough food for the stimulant to work properly., Thank you for posting! My son is turning 6 shortly and his attention span is very similar, and I am very worried about his reading and math...and this makes me feel like I am not alone., Be patient with the medication, the first one working well is more of an exception than the rule. Psychiatry is unfortunately lots of trial and error, but you'll hopefully find one that works well and helps your son feel better. One thing worth mentioning is that autistic children can be more sensitive to medications, especially stimulant medication. That means starting on a lower dosage than you'd usually do for the age and weight may be a good idea - side effect of too high a dosage can look similar to meds not working at all., Guanfacine. It is not a stimulant. It is used off label for the treatment of adhd. It also comes in an XR. This could be something to look into. I was also not interested in putting our son on any stimulants, and this medication is what we agreed on. We did find some relief in 2x a day dosing., We put our son on JORNAY and we like it!, My daughter’s attention is incredibly low as well, and is constantly on the move. she’s 8 and I’m considering an adhd dx and meds in the next year or so. My husband has adhd but his parents didn’t pursue a diagnosis for him so I believe he suffered due to not getting the meds and coping skills as a kid. Hopefully we can all find something that works, Stimulants worked well for my child who was similar. As you mentioned with your child, we use them primarily for academic purposes. For some kids stimulants are better than the alternative which is to struggle with learning anything that requires attention and focus to accomplish., Are you doing like flash cards of reading words and basic math at home? My son will run around between pages carrying his book and he also does it while he’s eating. I’d look into an iep for school too, My son also is AUDHD. We used to call him Taz when he was a toddler! He takes Guanfacine for ADHD and Abilify for aggression.  He used to be on Adderall, but he was rail thin. It works though, but I couldn't get his appetite up.  This new combo works well for him. He's focused and calm without side effects. They will help you find the right script. You're absolutely right, until the ADHD is under control he will make no gains. , Stimulants do often cause weight loss, but they did help me gain weight. Being able to sit down long enough to do "boring chores" like eating food enabled me to stick to a decent eating schedule and get enough calories to gain weight. Not everyone's experience, of course, but there's some hope his eating could improve., Thanks for sharing. If you’re on a long wait list, we found a psychiatrist that will diagnose ADHD for ages 9+ over a video call. That’s how we got our daughter quickly diagnosed. There are a lot of doctors who will quickly give an adhd diagnosis if you’re not looking for a full psychological work up., Thanks for sharing. What kind of setup does your daughter have in school? Like what kind of supports or accommodations? Has anything the school has done helped? Struggling with what would be best for our son., What is FTT? I’ve got a super skinny kid., Thanks! We started on 2.5 mg which we were told is the lowest possible dose and isn’t even really expected to be effective it’s more just to test for any weird side effects. We then tried 5 and 7.5. Some adults take as low as 10. Didn’t see any significant difference at home or school. Would have expected to see some sort of reaction whether good or bad., Thanks for sharing. So far we have only tried one medication and it’s a stimulant. What positive effects did you see from that drug?, Recently tried this with my 13 yr old. It seemed to make him sleepy and the teachers reported some unusual irritability. Trying to avoid stimulants because of extremely limited eating already. Now trying an ashwaganda + mushroom gummy, hoping to take the edge off any anxiety, support focus, and help with sleep., The autism is a new diagnosis, but she's had an IEP since she was 3 for speech and then academics and OT. She has a gen Ed class but has significant pull-outs to work on her math and reading skills daily. There are several measurable goals for her in each category. Once a week, she does a speech pullout. Same for OT because her handwriting is awful., I think the medical definition of Failure To Thrive is when a child's weight is below the third percentile. My daughter is 0.3% for weight and completely 0.0% for height. We have done the testing to check her for issues, but everything came up normal., To be honest, we are still working to find the combination of medications my son needs. We started the Guanfacine last year and did see less of the racey behavior. It’s like it gives him some pause, time in between the next thought or action. The results weren’t miraculous but enough to be considered a gain., Unless it’s fda approved, and those gummies aren’t, keep in mind you don’t know what you’re getting. Too many Kratom deaths and salmonella outbreaks. These factories aren’t regulated. Psychedelics also aren’t studied in how they affect development in children as their brains are still developing. Stuff to consider., Oh, we have some weight gain and he is growing. His weight is 3% for his height. So very skinny, but still growing. Thank you for the clarification., No psychedelics. I'm not giving my kid 'shrooms. Ashwagandha + lion's mane + turkey tail from a reputable company. I take it too, at a larger dose. Thanks for the warning, though! Edit: I could buy this at a health food store., I do. It is shit. We are waiting to see a psychiatrist to get started on meds at 9 years of age. Even though he has the attention span to read a bit, his comprehension is appalling. He starts yawning the moment we sit to do homework. He has always been quite small and not an enthusiastic eater, so I am really worried about stimulants. The only positive that I hold on to is that long-term studies show that taking stimulants earlier in life actually helps the brain develop in a more typical way. And even if they stop taking meds later in life - the outcomes are better than without the meds., My daughter needs Concerta to focus long enough to retain anything. On unmedicated days, she will ask me the same question every minute or two because she can't remember asking the first time. She's still woefully behind at 8. The psychologist tested her at Kinder levels for her math and reading skills. We're taking it one day at a time. It's not her fault. Also, she's itty bitty, too! FTT for several years. Her pediatrician follows her weight and height like a hawk. As much as possible, he has asked for her meds to only be used for school days to help her eat more., The effect medications have (stimulant and non-stimulant) seem to vary greatly between kids. One of mine became a zombie on the medication that the other kid does perfectly on. It took us a year to find a medication/dosage that worked for one of the kids. My advice is just don’t give up! You’ve only just started! Don’t let yourself get down just because you didn’t find the right thing immediately. It’s a hard journey. I ended up homeschooling my severe ADHD kiddo for a year while we figured out the medication thing because they literally could not be in school. It was like raising a crazed bull who also thought everything they did was funny. Poor kid., The pros of stimulants: The moment we started medication, it was like night and day. He was able to stop humming/moving around and focus instead of humming, listening to music, fidgeting and doing something all at the same time. He was able to read a book and recall the plot, interesting parts and characters instead of forgetting what happened in the previous page. He was able to recall and describe memories in his own words using more than one full sentence instead of using echolalia, grunts and single words and getting upset with us for not understanding him. We were able to move beyond single steps. Directions, tasks, skills, play. He started leveling up into multi-step actions. He displayed fewer "anxious" behaviors, and stopped being so clingy/needing touch. The cons of the stimulants: It took a while to find the right fit of stimulant and dosage. Our AuDHD kid has combined type, and he struggled most when the stimulant stopped being active in his system. He became dysregulated very quickly and abruptly, got very upset from the shock, and escalated into very angry and aggressive meltdowns after school and during the night about anything he didn't understand or felt wrong about. Everything had to be just so, his autism became more noticeable and he was not pleasant to live with during this time. His threshold for stress is very low to begin with, and now that he could focus on the emotions and thought process, he kept getting stuck. He had more trouble transitioning from tasks and play, letting go and moving on, and adapting to changes fluidly. While he was on the stimulant that did not work for his system, our son turned into angry Hulk so rapidly and so often that we all couldn't handle the chaos. He ended up needing a longer lasting stimulant that processes very slowly in and out of the body so that he would have time to physically adjust to the changes. We have switched to a different stimulant extended release and he is doing a lot better now. He had the most dysregulation with Adderall both IR & ER, and he currently takes methylphenidate (aka Ritalin) XR twice a day. He also takes guanfacine once a day in the afternoon. It reduces the rate and severity of escalation into Hulk mode by regulating his heartrate & bp. We actually give him his meds at the same time as his meal or right after his meal so that he eats enough food for the stimulant to work properly., Thank you for posting! My son is turning 6 shortly and his attention span is very similar, and I am very worried about his reading and math...and this makes me feel like I am not alone., Be patient with the medication, the first one working well is more of an exception than the rule. Psychiatry is unfortunately lots of trial and error, but you'll hopefully find one that works well and helps your son feel better. One thing worth mentioning is that autistic children can be more sensitive to medications, especially stimulant medication. That means starting on a lower dosage than you'd usually do for the age and weight may be a good idea - side effect of too high a dosage can look similar to meds not working at all., Guanfacine. It is not a stimulant. It is used off label for the treatment of adhd. It also comes in an XR. This could be something to look into. I was also not interested in putting our son on any stimulants, and this medication is what we agreed on. We did find some relief in 2x a day dosing., We put our son on JORNAY and we like it!, My daughter’s attention is incredibly low as well, and is constantly on the move. she’s 8 and I’m considering an adhd dx and meds in the next year or so. My husband has adhd but his parents didn’t pursue a diagnosis for him so I believe he suffered due to not getting the meds and coping skills as a kid. Hopefully we can all find something that works, Stimulants worked well for my child who was similar. As you mentioned with your child, we use them primarily for academic purposes. For some kids stimulants are better than the alternative which is to struggle with learning anything that requires attention and focus to accomplish., Are you doing like flash cards of reading words and basic math at home? My son will run around between pages carrying his book and he also does it while he’s eating. I’d look into an iep for school too, My son also is AUDHD. We used to call him Taz when he was a toddler! He takes Guanfacine for ADHD and Abilify for aggression.  He used to be on Adderall, but he was rail thin. It works though, but I couldn't get his appetite up.  This new combo works well for him. He's focused and calm without side effects. They will help you find the right script. You're absolutely right, until the ADHD is under control he will make no gains. , Stimulants do often cause weight loss, but they did help me gain weight. Being able to sit down long enough to do "boring chores" like eating food enabled me to stick to a decent eating schedule and get enough calories to gain weight. Not everyone's experience, of course, but there's some hope his eating could improve., Thanks for sharing. If you’re on a long wait list, we found a psychiatrist that will diagnose ADHD for ages 9+ over a video call. That’s how we got our daughter quickly diagnosed. There are a lot of doctors who will quickly give an adhd diagnosis if you’re not looking for a full psychological work up., Thanks for sharing. What kind of setup does your daughter have in school? Like what kind of supports or accommodations? Has anything the school has done helped? Struggling with what would be best for our son., What is FTT? I’ve got a super skinny kid., Thanks! We started on 2.5 mg which we were told is the lowest possible dose and isn’t even really expected to be effective it’s more just to test for any weird side effects. We then tried 5 and 7.5. Some adults take as low as 10. Didn’t see any significant difference at home or school. Would have expected to see some sort of reaction whether good or bad., Thanks for sharing. So far we have only tried one medication and it’s a stimulant. What positive effects did you see from that drug?, Recently tried this with my 13 yr old. It seemed to make him sleepy and the teachers reported some unusual irritability. Trying to avoid stimulants because of extremely limited eating already. Now trying an ashwaganda + mushroom gummy, hoping to take the edge off any anxiety, support focus, and help with sleep., The autism is a new diagnosis, but she's had an IEP since she was 3 for speech and then academics and OT. She has a gen Ed class but has significant pull-outs to work on her math and reading skills daily. There are several measurable goals for her in each category. Once a week, she does a speech pullout. Same for OT because her handwriting is awful., I think the medical definition of Failure To Thrive is when a child's weight is below the third percentile. My daughter is 0.3% for weight and completely 0.0% for height. We have done the testing to check her for issues, but everything came up normal., To be honest, we are still working to find the combination of medications my son needs. We started the Guanfacine last year and did see less of the racey behavior. It’s like it gives him some pause, time in between the next thought or action. The results weren’t miraculous but enough to be considered a gain., Unless it’s fda approved, and those gummies aren’t, keep in mind you don’t know what you’re getting. Too many Kratom deaths and salmonella outbreaks. These factories aren’t regulated. Psychedelics also aren’t studied in how they affect development in children as their brains are still developing. Stuff to consider., Oh, we have some weight gain and he is growing. His weight is 3% for his height. So very skinny, but still growing. Thank you for the clarification., No psychedelics. I'm not giving my kid 'shrooms. Ashwagandha + lion's mane + turkey tail from a reputable company. I take it too, at a larger dose. Thanks for the warning, though! Edit: I could buy this at a health food store.

Son’s special interests are draining the life out of me

I’m so mentally drained by my son’s interests. So far today we have talked about the washing machine and dryer for 2 hours and then played with the printer, and now he’s back playing with the settings on the dryer and I told him I need a break. It will last 2 minutes before he comes out to talk about the dryer again. He has several special interests all of which are excruciatingly boring to me. He gets so hyper focused and goes on and on. Anyone else feel like their brain is just melting? Some days I can keep a smile on my face all day and pretend I’m having just as much fun as him, but today is not one of those days. I wish I could get him into Lego or something else that would be easier for me to participate in. Then he might even be able to make a friend and play with them so I wouldn’t be his only playmate. He’ll never have a friend at this rate. He loves riding the subway and I don’t mind that as much but even that gets old. How do you deal with your child’s special interests? I like that we can connect this way, but I wish he could be into something we both could enjoy.

I absolutely know how you feel! All three of my (now adult) kids still do this. It took me a long while to realize they weren't talking to me out of some desire to socialize, but to work through ideas. I work in the IT field and we actually have a term for this called rubber duck debugging. Where you have a problem you need to work out, and you need to talk through the code line by line explaining what it does, and it doesn't matter who or what you're talking to, it could be anything, but it helps you to understand things on a different level. Here's where the rubber duck comes in. Realizing this made it easier to be my kid's "rubber duck". If they ask for ideas or have questions, instead of racking my brain for new ideas for the millionth time, I would ask them, "hmm, I don't know. Where do you think we could look to find that out?" And let them find out more things on their own, maybe point them towards manuals or how to research these big ideas online. It actually teaches them self sufficiency, other life skills, and later in life towards a career. A couple years back I read this article and it was very informative and helped me reframe my children's special interests in a positive light. Special interests are his way of self soothing, is very rewarding to him, and gives him a safe space to explore new ideas. https://www.spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/the-benefits-of-special-interests-in-autism/ But don't get me wrong, there are easy days and hard days. I've found that on the hard days I fall into rubber ducky mode more frequently, it's my personal coping mechanism. So I'll put on one of my airpods and listen to something that is interesting to me, or I'll do some other task in the same room and say, "neat" or "hmm i don't know" etc. Because again he isn't really looking to socialize, it's about him self soothing and feeling rewarded in his work. I just want to emphasize how awesome I think you're doing. Reaching out to your community when you need help, and for being such a wonderful and caring parent. I am just sending a big hug your way and hope your day gets a little brighter., Did you keep the manuals? If not, can you find it online and print it? My oldest will at least go read all about the appliances for a little while. Then come back to tell me everything he learned, but still. It also helped him use them appropriately and safely since he believes the warnings in the manual more than he believes my warnings. And as a bonus, when our heat pump was malfunctioning, he already knew how to get the code and what the code meant so I could tell the repair person before they got here. Nonfiction books like The Way Things Work Now will also distract him for a while., Your son and my son should get together! My son's specal interest is also washers and dryers, along with car washes at the moment. For completing his sticker chart this past week, he earned the reward to go to the laundromat and wash and dry his bed blanket. It was like going to Disneyland for him. He is in kindergarten and I also worry he won't be able to make friends., Yep that’s pretty boring, lol, but at least you can talk to him! My son is nonverbal, and hobbies include listening to the same songs over and over in a sensory swing and ripping up grass and eating plants. How the hell am I supposed to bond with him apart from pushing him on the swing nonstop?? We’re working on expanding play in ABA but it can be hard to keep his attention span. Is there any way that you could show him parts of other machines like cars or trains? Maybe take him to an airplane museum., Earbuds 😉 and a few hmms and oh rights, If I hear another Minecraft fact, I’m going to lose it. I feel you. I wish I had the answer. I am lucky that ONE of my daughter’s special interests- ramen- is one of my favorite foods. However, it doesn’t mean I want to talk ramen 10-12 hrs a day. Sigh., I find this actually kind of funny. Not to make light of your situation,but as far as ASD goes you could do lot worse than talking about the washer and dryer. I don't know... maybe download the appliance manual and print it out for him to read? There's a Steve Jobs interview where he talks about when he was a child,there was a place you could buy junk electronics by the pound. He would spend weekends with his dad just disassembling electronics, every screw and bolt. and he credits that experience with teaching him a lot about how to engineer different products. Maybe something like that would be fun for you and your child., My son is obsessed with a handful of movies which is probably pretty normal for an almost 5 year old, but his love of movie production companies and their logos is quite unique. He repeats himself a lot and doesn't need more than acknowledgement, a smile, and a cuddle to feel heard so it's doable, but I wish we could go back to talking about letters and numbers he sees around him rather than watching and listening to 20th Century Fox dozens of times in a row., I feel your pain. My son talks non stop about bins lol, Electrical boxes, fans, bar codes, open signs, leaves, locks — blow my F’ing brains out…, my son is same as yours but number one obsession is traffic lights followed by washing machines! they would have be great buddies.😂, Take him to a white good store, let him bother the sales person. Pick up all the catalogs and brochures then take him home to do something with them. Let him make a scrap book or collage or something., My 16 year old’s current obsession is Linux distros. It’s very boring. I had to ban his tornado obsession. It was hard to do, because he was still non verbal and didn’t understand, but his 3 years older sister was waking up crying multiple times a week from nightmares about tornados, and that wasn’t fair to her by any stretch of the imagination. I just keep moving him to his bedroom and telling him he could only watch tornado videos in his room. I should have banned it sooner though, as my 19 year old is still absolutely terrified by thunderstorms solely because of this obsession. My 21 year old’s homestuck obsession wasn’t necessarily boring, but I found it impossible to follow along and keep all the character names straight, so I got the same explanations over and over again., Ok so my now 12 year old went through this too. If he tries to start talking about messing with the washer and drier I just tell him that it’s not safe for him to fiddle with it, and to stay away from it until he’s old enough to do that. He HAS messed with it before and we had to lock him out of our garage for a while because he ripped the exhaust pipe for the drier away from the wall and the exhaust wasn’t going outside and I didn’t realize it until a little while later! ((Scary I know)) So whenever he starts fixating on something (depending on what it is) I tell him what’s not safe about it and that it’s ok to be curious but that he needs to stay away from it just for now because he’s either not old enough or can’t use it so stop talking about it until I can teach him. Then I shift his focus to something else fun like baking cookies, or making soap, or something that I can get into too., My son likes trains and that’s about it. So he talks to me about trains, we watch trains, and that is it., , It may become a background noise, not unpleasant. Over 20y mine aren’t particularly interested in my comments, I only have to express polite interest and let it wash over me. If I’m asked the same question repeatedly I respond with “what did I say last time” and they can often pull that from memory. Mine never made friends outside the family. I think that is not rare., This was my son! To mix it up I would take him to Home Depot or Lowe’s to look at the laundry machines. Sometime the sales person would talk with them for awhile. He would also help me to sort and put the laundry into machines, but go away before they started due to the noise. If it got really bad we would let him watch machines on YouTube so we could have a little break. Eventually he got a washer/dryer combo for Christmas. Played with it constantly for two weeks and then moved onto a new interest🙃!, My 4 year olds special interest is birds and eggs. She’s semi verbal so we hear a lot of “Penguin is aaaaa BIRD. BIRD have EGG. Old McDonald GIVE. ME. EGG.” We also have chickens and she will try to elope to go get their eggs. On one end I was hoping the egg phase will pass but maybe not before Christmas since she asked for “giant egg” and only giant egg., Could he do something like make a video about his special interest or draw a diagram or something to show someone else or post to a grandparent? Use Lego or craft materials to make his own washing machine? Things that you don’t have to directly be involved in. My son has a few special interests, one he developed recently after going to a museum is space and I have to say I was so excited when he developed this interest as it is genuinely something I enjoy reading and learning about compared to some of his other interests (which I do also support as I know they are important to him but I often have to force myself). So maybe you could visit somewhere like a museum and focus on exhibits you like to see whether there is something he becomes interested in? Or try watching some YouTube videos on topics you’re interested in to see if he likes those?, Oh this hits home. Vacuum cleaners, air conditioners and clocks. Absolutely fascinated by them., My husband was like your son. His interests are now computers, cars and video games. He will go from not knowing about a mechanical component to become in an expert in a day, then he shares all the knowledge with me. I probably know more about turbos and cars than I like to admit. My husband is also now a very successful engineer and I couldn’t be more proud of him. He still has a lot of neurodivergent things and we are seeing the same things manifest in our two year old. Our son started obsessing over wheels at 7 months. I particularly remember him flipping over his push walker to lay under and play with the wheels. I was like hmmm 🤔 that’s different. Later we got his dx., i wish my son could talk. Talk about anything he wanted for as long as he wanted. I would never get bored. i dream about hearing him talk, or holding a conversation with him., Well, my son is OBSESSED with animals. It's all over YouTube, the TV, books, you name it. I've been watching YouTube and Attenborough for 4 years. It's quite nice for a bit, but Jesus it's boring! I don't have much to add, just that you're not alone., I'm literally wearing a shirt with my sons special interest on it because he loves them so much. Maybe learn everything you can about dryers and try to make it fun? Or maybe try to use the dryer as a segue into something else, perhaps some industrial equipment? I know every type of construction vehicle ("that's not a forklift, it's a telescopic handler" is something I've said before). It's just part of the journey. You can either choose to participate or choose not to. I'm choosing to participate and love the quirkyness of it., Omg he sounds JUST like my kid and it does get exhausting. It's to the point where he's playing with washers and dryers on Roblox lol! And it's not only the washer and dryer, it's the outdoor AC condenser units as well. He will help with laundry and occasionally wants to put the washer on spin cycle even if there's nothing in it.. It's all usually the same conversations and it does get old and boring but no matter how much I try to redirect, it never works. I say just try keep trying to expose him to as much as you can as far as hobbies. I try to but even when we go out for a walk or something, he'll point out the condenser unit. We used to do neighborhood walks just so he could see them!, We learned in OT that it's okay to set boundaries respectfully when it comes to talking / info dumping, and sharing that not everyone will feel so passionately about things. Just like they (the kids) have sensory needs, we too as adults, both NT and ND have sensory limits. We tell my son when the info dumping gets too be too much, "hey, you know I love that this interests you so much and I love sharing it with you, but I need some space and quiet time right now/need some to focus on my interest/need to take care of _______. That's important to you, this is important to me. Why don't we talk again [at set time, in so many minutes]?" This is what works for us and may not for you, but we found it helps teach respect, boundaries, and consideration for others (which are not naturally occurring traits)., Yes!! My son is interested and fascinated about space shuttles, rocket ships and the solar system. We read these books that has names for every craters on the moon. Some of these I can’t even pronounce., Have you thought about expanding the dryer interest? Like dehydrators for food, or learning about chemical dryers, from there it could also spark an interest in food or even rockets! I say feed the interest., Cars, cars, cars (my 7 year old). One of his first words at the age of 3 was "Toyota". Now he can recognize and name almost any car model, no matter how rare, from a distance with detailed precision. Obsessed with cars' numerical attributes (engine volume, horse power, price etc). Which actually is a blessing in disguise, because he taught himself to read quite early on to consume car magazines and books about cars, is good at maths etc. Plus talking about cars and playing with toy cars makes him so very happy - and that's the most important thing. I can deal with the infodump, one earbud at a time :), 15F, autistic and adhd. Its not really a system of ‘how can I deal with this’. autistic people show their love towards people in a different way. By infodumping about special interests. What your son is doing is the neurotypical equivalent to saying ‘i love you so much’. My mother hasn’t known that, which most likely caused my depression, because she pushed me away and didn’t listen to me when I info dumped to her. I have a mindset because of that that my parents don’t love me, and I in turn, do not enjoy talking to my parents, and lie frequently, which angers them. Trust me when I say that if you listen to him, and show interest, and maybe tell him about some things you like, it will ultimately help him so much. He is young, as far as I know, and he will learn when is the right time to infodump. I wish you the best, and sending lots and lots of love and support! I hope this helped, it’s definitely something more parents need to know., I think you're being too hard on yourself. You don't HAVE to like his interests, and there fact that you do despite how mind-numbingly boring they might be too you, shows how much you love your son. So, if you have day where you just cannot, then don't. I think we have to allow ourselves the grave to tell our ND children, I'm sorry, I don't want to do this with your rn. My BCBA said it's setting a boundary which is an important lesson for our children to learn. I needed her to prepare a protocol for me, because that feels so hard to do. It's slow going but I'm working on it. Maybe you guys can search for a special interest that is for the both of you., A common way of socialization for us is paralel play, just being there in the same space helps him feelingg connected with you. Have you tried letting him met other autistic kids? infodumping on eachother taking turns is actually a common way of autistic comunication, I would recomment taking a look at Damian Milton Double empathy problem to easily understand how we comunicate. You could also for example, suggest they try to make a paper model of a washing machine with moving parts, that would provede a fidget for them, a cognitive puzzle to solve and a way to enjoy their interest with less talk involved at the low cost of a bit of paper and glue (tho I suggestt using tape to make it less messy if he does not have much experience using glue yet plus tape does not need to dry), i wish my son would talk…. =( your child sounds cute.^^, If it comforts you a little, my special interest at 5 was the holocaust... I'd sneak books and hide them bc my parents (reasonably) banned the topic, but they had a hard time stopping me. Not a great special interest if you're already predisposed to depression..., You don’t say how old your son is, but if he can write give him a binder filled with blank copy paper. He can write and draw about his favorite subjects. Help him find owner’s manuals and repair manuals online. Who knows, he might actually invent an improved feature for the washer or dryer. You feed his interest and free up your time. Go online and order maps of major subway routes from around the world. They would make an interesting Christmas present. Let him know he can talk to you for 15 minutes then he needs to get out his research notes and log his current ideas. Set aside time maybe before bed for him to share what he wrote that day then lights out. It is okay to set limits on his sharing with you. It isn’t the topic you find fascinating, but seeing how his brain works as he digs into details and enjoys exploring his interests that is the real fascination., My son does memes. Just repeats the sounds of memes. Usually I have no idea what it is about. A weird Mario meme. Or a character from a movie (currently terminator - which is great because that I know). But sometimes I feel like shit because I just blow it off. If I try and bring anything new in it causes issues., I know how you feel! My life revolves around ceiling fans, garage doors, street lights and cats/dogs. Makes for a really long weekend 😅, I've been there. I've listened and been forced to watch the Green Lantern animated series every day for the past 8 years with still no end in sight. Do you know how hard it is to find Green Lantern anything also. It's not that he likes Batman, and I just go into any store and pick from a wide variety of objects. I once spent a full year and a half having to hunt down another copy of a Green lantern poster that was no longer in production just so my son would sleep in his room again (his original was damaged because of a leak). Mine is nonverbal, but believe me, he communicates just fine. When I'm completely fried, I try to think of things I'd like to do and try to include him in a way that would interest him. I like making stuff, so we got a 3D printer, and it helps solve the problem finding Green Lantern stuff. He's learning how to work with the software too so he can design his own things. Tinkercad is kid friendly and free, so you could give it a try if you're interested. Basically, find something that does interest you enough that could fall within their interests. Yeah, there's trial and error, but it's worth it, and my son is happy we have something we do together., If you need a break maybe put on a you tube video on appliance repair??? :), Yes. Minecraft is my sons special interest. All of the tools and do dads are my sons favorite., Thank you for sharing this. I do try to encourage his interests. We build circuits, read about and ride trains and elevators for hours, play with every “machine” in the house. He’s so great in so many ways. Every now and then I yearn for some normalcy. It’s like that feeling of “why can’t he just be in little league?!” pops up and I have a low day. I already feel better. Venting to people who get it helps. Thank you!, Just wanted to say yes I'm a business owner and developer and I rubber duck all the time with my manager on slack. He's not much of a coder himself but sometimes he tries too give input and I'm like you're a rubber ducky right now shut up and just say uh huh as work through my logic out loud. It absolutely helps you work through your logic., He would like this, but he can’t read yet. He’s 5. I have been using his interests to encourage him to learn to read though. I keep saying, if you learn to read, you can learn everything you want to know by yourself. I just had an off day and needed to vent to other people who get it., Forgot to ask, how old is your son? Have you looked into Snap Circuits? That might fit as something you can do together. My machine oriented kid loves them., Where do you live? I’m on my way! My son is in kindergarten too 😂, This sounds amazing, does he like using them? My son just had a rough go with food poisoning so we have about 100 loads of laundry to do 😂, Right there with you, you are describing my 7 year old., One of us! Mine is in the backyard ripping up grass at this moment. Just got done taking him in a 3 hour drive because he’s under the weather and kept pulling me towards the car, and that’s the only way he’ll nap, Absolutely. I honestly think audiobooks saved my sanity., I do this 😂 One earbud in with a podcast or audiobook. It helps, but he expects me to keep answering him too and I feel bad because he doesn’t have any friends. I can usually deal with it, but sometimes I just can’t. Today was one of those days…, Lmao I feel this to my core!! My son has moved from Minecraft, to roblox and now FNAF. And if I hear him say FAHNAAFFF like it’s an actual word one more time… 😂😂😂 but seriously-you kinda just block certain things out after a while. I should mention he has Echolalia so yes-FUN!, Haha. Solidarity friend! My 22 year old son was obsessed with all the Halo games. I don't know how many hours I spent listening to Halo facts. Lol My now 19 year old was the Minecrafter. "Can you die from hearing your kids talk about video games? Because it feels like you could die from it.", I'll trade the video games obsession for our vacuum cleaners one. Video games is one of mine and my son loves to push vacuums around but I get hit with the "No thank you 😃" when I try to get him to help with the actual function of it..., Omg all of the Minecraft things all of the time lol. My son is obsessed and has to show me every thing he builds and every single item he collects in his chest and he wants to watch videos about Minecraft or other people playing Minecraft and there is only so much space in my brain for Minecraft!, That’s awesome advice. The kid could make a good engineer, Check out @peace_love_autism on Instagram, her son is also obsessed with movie production logos!, Omg is your kid my kid!! My kiddo is obsessed about movie logos and well any logos. He also will loop the videos back over and over. He goes down some odd rabbit holes. His first spelled word with blocks about 2 months ago was PIXAR. (He's 3y, non verbal and lv 3. ) Also for awhile before that he keep gesturing in/to the closet (and talking closed mouth with inotation) but I couldn't figure out what he wanted. Well in that particular closet is my old swing arm desk lamp! The whole time he was trying to tell us Pixar is in the closet., I had nightmares about tornadoes as a kid because my mom decided Twister was a good movie to watch while I was present. One was just a hoax some people did with a bunch of giant black trash bags... My brain was and still is a weird place. Anyways, 25 years later, Twister is actually one of my favorite movies. I don't know what the point of this was. Solidarity with both your kiddos?, My guy doesn't do vacuums (gets overwhelmed by the sound) but also LOVES ACs and clocks and fans and storm drains. We've parlayed this into going on family drain and AC walks around town (or in new places). Keeping him out of the street and off of property where it would be bad to trespass are challenges, though, and especially the trespassing thing will become more of an issue as he gets older and people stop thinking it's cute that he wants to look at their/their business's AC. Also made a book with photos of him looking at different ACs and all of the AC brand logos sorted by letter of the alphabet. It's his favorite bedtime story -- that and the Neenah Foundry drain/manhole cover catalog., Your husband sounds like me (a very cool dude!) I info-dump on my wife and I'm grateful that she listens. I know where my son's ASD comes from. I'll be honest if my son wanted to know everything about washers I would be right there with him. Right now he is really into stop signs so we go and sit at the all-way stop and I give cars ratings on their stops like Olympic divers. It's pretty fun!, My kiddo likes animals too! He’s reasonably non-verbal so I just get to enjoy the excitement. I feel like we could do a lot worse. I don’t know what I would do if my son was into machinery., We do those AC walks, too!, Thank you. I feel guilty I guess because he has no friends, but I’m burning myself out so I think I probably do need to start setting some limits in a positive way., Can you get him involved in a STEM or robotics club? Our community center has a STEM club for age 5+ y/o. There's a model train club in my city that's full of retired men who have (seemingly) infinite time on their hands to obsess about model trains. They'd love a little shadow to obsess with. Can you contact the owner of a local laundromat and see if your son can help them empty as quarters out of the machines or do maintenance? I feel like there's got to be some "tribe" that he can be part of! My husband's cousin is OBSESSED with trains. He's now in his mid-20s and works on actual antique steam engines at a specialty company in Colorado., Hello, fellow traveler! My 7yo kiddo isn’t that verbal (mostly wants and needs, yes/no answers, no conversations). My kid turns on the dishwasher and washing machine endlessly. If I were to tally up all the hours I’ve spent watching YouTube videos of elevators, washing machines, and ceiling fans…lord, it’d probably be months worth of time. I don’t have the never ending conversations about special interests, so I don’t think I have much to add to the question of your post, but MY GOD I feel you. I, too, have felt my brain oozing out of ears. Thanks for posting this and reminding me that I’m not alone. There are other adults just like me, watching the same videos for the 10,000th time., Lol! Yes! I had a similar experience with my manager and the next day he came into work and left me an actual rubber ducky on my desk 😂 it was all good fun, Yes! We have snap circuits and ironically we just ordered some copper tape, batteries and led lights so we can make more circuit projects. It’s funny how so many autistic kids like the same things., Awesome! 😂, Yes, he can pretty much do the laundry by himself other than putting in detergent and folding. Unfortunately he is very controlling about the settings and which weekdays to wash which items, which makes things difficult. Also he tends to melt down if the washer changes to the next step of the cycle and he wasn't watching., Wish we could have a playdate lol!, I pray your son hasn’t found all the Minecraft music covers. I now have every pop song on the radio rewritten as a Minecraft anthem. Just cruising through the streets rapping about Creepers and blocks and swords., My 8-year-old is obsessed with unclogging storm drains after it rains and we have to keep him out of the street. There is actually a TikTok channel about unclogging drains that has almost 3 million followers so I guess it’s a thing., He is indeed very cool :) my son also likes stop signs and flags. I think it may be the color red. I enjoy seeing his interests as he develops. You sound like a great parent with an awesome little one!, My son was completely non verbal until he was nearly 4. He's now 9 and he hasn't shut up yet. I complain, but.... If he was into trains I could generally handle it, but I much prefer his choice of obsession because I get days out with him since nobody else can listen the same! We go all over the place visiting safari parks etc, so lots of tramping around in mud., We are in the same boat. I'm his very best friend in the world so he wants to tell me everything, it's how they show us love. It's hard to say no, so being collaborative and saying like "not now, but [enter time for x minutes]" gives ME a break, and also sets an expectation for him so he can settle a bit knowing he WILL get to tell me. Just have to follow through. it's so good to learn because when others express boundaries when they are older it won't feel so foreign or upsetting (at least that's the hope!) My son's major special interest is video games, a couple specific ones but sometimes different ones, even ones he doesn't own he knows all the characters and inner workings of them!! Somehow over the last couple years it's encouraged him to start with "mom, can I tell you something?" Instead of just spewing words LOL, I do it to him constantly.. usually a wall of frustrated text at 3am that he later wakes up to. I'd done it for years before hearing the phrase rubber ducky. It was just vindicating to know I'm not the only one who does it, and from then on I can call him a rubber ducky., He may be a little young for this but my 8-year-old was interested in Snap Circuits at that age and he recently started getting into Circuit Scribe, which uses a pen with conductive ink instead of wires., Oh man, thankfully he has not! He’s still pretty young so the only thing he does on a computer is play Minecraft. I need to inform my husband about this though lol although he likely already knows I’m sure. He’s been playing since it first came out and is the reason for our son’s obsession haha, Oh my God... You just inadvertently helped me solve an issue I've been having with my son. His dad has a red car and it's a novelty that we ride in it (usually my boring old black one). Well, last Sunday he got to ride with Dad in his car to a family dinner because we totally forgot and I was out with my best friend for the day for a much-needed break. Now he's OBSESSED with his car and freaks out about getting in mine now. ...it's really just the red thing? Do I have to paint my car now? 😭, 😂😂😂😂 happy to help! The red obsession is serious around here. We have red Pjs, red bed sheets and his favorite lovey is Elmo :)!, He picks red cars out of his massive Hot Wheels collection now too. I think I'm in trouble... 😬, Time to look into a wrap for the car lol

Sounds..

My 3 year old makes a eeeee sound when upset. Also aahh ohhh ba sounds. Is this a sign of speach to come? What has others experience been??

In my experience… that was the time I realized it’s time for an evaluation. And I wish I would’ve done it sooner. Now that I have my second kid, he’s asking questions at 15 months old… my first was so severely speech delayed I can’t believe I didn’t accept it. Covid quarantine allowed us to stay in denial… get your babe evaluated. Speech therapy will help you, Yes I'm trying to get him in next few months. When did yours start to speak and babble like mine?, My girl only made those sounds up until she was about 4. And she only began to say a single word at a time but good news is like after another 3 months with the speech therapist she had a huge burst of communication! 4-5 word sentences by almost 5. Now we sorta have conversations, In my experience… that was the time I realized it’s time for an evaluation. And I wish I would’ve done it sooner. Now that I have my second kid, he’s asking questions at 15 months old… my first was so severely speech delayed I can’t believe I didn’t accept it. Covid quarantine allowed us to stay in denial… get your babe evaluated. Speech therapy will help you, Yes I'm trying to get him in next few months. When did yours start to speak and babble like mine?, My girl only made those sounds up until she was about 4. And she only began to say a single word at a time but good news is like after another 3 months with the speech therapist she had a huge burst of communication! 4-5 word sentences by almost 5. Now we sorta have conversations, In my experience… that was the time I realized it’s time for an evaluation. And I wish I would’ve done it sooner. Now that I have my second kid, he’s asking questions at 15 months old… my first was so severely speech delayed I can’t believe I didn’t accept it. Covid quarantine allowed us to stay in denial… get your babe evaluated. Speech therapy will help you, Yes I'm trying to get him in next few months. When did yours start to speak and babble like mine?, My girl only made those sounds up until she was about 4. And she only began to say a single word at a time but good news is like after another 3 months with the speech therapist she had a huge burst of communication! 4-5 word sentences by almost 5. Now we sorta have conversations, In my experience… that was the time I realized it’s time for an evaluation. And I wish I would’ve done it sooner. Now that I have my second kid, he’s asking questions at 15 months old… my first was so severely speech delayed I can’t believe I didn’t accept it. Covid quarantine allowed us to stay in denial… get your babe evaluated. Speech therapy will help you, Yes I'm trying to get him in next few months. When did yours start to speak and babble like mine?, My girl only made those sounds up until she was about 4. And she only began to say a single word at a time but good news is like after another 3 months with the speech therapist she had a huge burst of communication! 4-5 word sentences by almost 5. Now we sorta have conversations

Special interests

I’m posting to know I’m not alone here…I absolutely love having conversations with our nine-year-old neurodivergent daughter. Connecting with her and understanding what she loves is definitely precious time. The only thing is, these conversations are souly based around her special interest or what she refers to as the “show” in her head. Is anyone else drowning in special interest deep cut discussions with their ASD kids? It’s all things notekins or alphabet lore here 😅😂 Pls tell me what special interests are going on in your house (am I alone in this?)

These hyper fixations can be difficult to get into but they are a great inroads towards other things you want to work on and bonding with your kid if you're able to lean into them.  Ours have evolved over time and I've been able to pull them together to get some big benefits  He used to pay super close attention to the high voltage power lines nearby, and want to go see the different sizes and shapes of the towers.  When the power lines hit upgraded, we watched that project happen and drove all over town to watch them build the new towers, cut down the old towers, move the lines over, go up in the cherry pickers, etc.  It was cool to see the project end to end and I talked to him about everything they were doing and what they had to plan to do and why they did things in a certain order.  I had to learn it along with him but he loved it.  We also watched some road construction projects and a couple renovations of local stores and strip malls.  And again, we talked about the projects and the stuff that needed to be done in order.  Now he's interested in chuck e cheese as they replace the Animatronics with a video wall and dance floor and a trampoline zone.  And when we go to the mall he's been interested in all the stores and restaurants that are opening and closing and moving around recently.  The challenging thing has been that a lot of his interests have been unusual and it's hard for him to make friends who share those same interests.  So he has dad to be his friend for that.   But the awesome thing was pulling those interests together and using them as a platform for learning other stuff.  He's learning about projects and the planning that goes into them.  The conversations we had around power lines really helped him to develop his thought process and some language skills so he could ask good questions.  I made him work for it if he wanted to learn stuff.  We learned how to research things together and he's gotten good at looking up his own answers to questions or finding relevant YouTubes.  We've been going to the mall a lot and he's learned a lot about safely walking away from dad and being independent then coming back, talking to grown ups at work about the different stores,  ordering food at food court restaurants or occasionally at a sit down place, safely talking to strangers like other kids in the mall, and more.  It's also worth noting that he eventually stopped fixating on power lines.  Once we had talked it all out I guess he didn't have any more questions.  The same thing is happening with the road projects nearby.  But he's still interested in new types of project and I am all about talking to him and teaching him skills that might help him in school and to get a job later.  I feel like it's really helped his receptive language skills, social questions and turn taking, ability to retain complex information and structure it in his head, and all kinds of other benefits you wouldn't normal think about.  , My 4 year old’s special interest is eggs. Which kind of blends into everything that comes out of eggs. She loves butterflies, turtles, and very specifically, BIRDS. Funnily enough she also thinks that rabbits come from eggs 🤣 despite the fact that we raise rabbits and she’s seen newborn ones recently. She has to go out to chicken coop daily to check for eggs and will pat our chickens and tell them “good chicktins” after she steals their eggs. She likes to go into the kitchen to look at the eggs we’ve collected. For a while it was hard to get her to relinquish the eggs but then she learned we can also cook and eat the eggs. Now she does pretty okay with giving them up. Edit to add: it does make going into the store difficult with the current holiday that is built around eggs 🤣, You are not alone. My 11 yo is hooked on everything airplanes. He can spend hours at the airport, plane spotting and can tell the model of plane by naked eye. During COVID, we watched hours of plane videos on YouTube., These hyper fixations can be difficult to get into but they are a great inroads towards other things you want to work on and bonding with your kid if you're able to lean into them.  Ours have evolved over time and I've been able to pull them together to get some big benefits  He used to pay super close attention to the high voltage power lines nearby, and want to go see the different sizes and shapes of the towers.  When the power lines hit upgraded, we watched that project happen and drove all over town to watch them build the new towers, cut down the old towers, move the lines over, go up in the cherry pickers, etc.  It was cool to see the project end to end and I talked to him about everything they were doing and what they had to plan to do and why they did things in a certain order.  I had to learn it along with him but he loved it.  We also watched some road construction projects and a couple renovations of local stores and strip malls.  And again, we talked about the projects and the stuff that needed to be done in order.  Now he's interested in chuck e cheese as they replace the Animatronics with a video wall and dance floor and a trampoline zone.  And when we go to the mall he's been interested in all the stores and restaurants that are opening and closing and moving around recently.  The challenging thing has been that a lot of his interests have been unusual and it's hard for him to make friends who share those same interests.  So he has dad to be his friend for that.   But the awesome thing was pulling those interests together and using them as a platform for learning other stuff.  He's learning about projects and the planning that goes into them.  The conversations we had around power lines really helped him to develop his thought process and some language skills so he could ask good questions.  I made him work for it if he wanted to learn stuff.  We learned how to research things together and he's gotten good at looking up his own answers to questions or finding relevant YouTubes.  We've been going to the mall a lot and he's learned a lot about safely walking away from dad and being independent then coming back, talking to grown ups at work about the different stores,  ordering food at food court restaurants or occasionally at a sit down place, safely talking to strangers like other kids in the mall, and more.  It's also worth noting that he eventually stopped fixating on power lines.  Once we had talked it all out I guess he didn't have any more questions.  The same thing is happening with the road projects nearby.  But he's still interested in new types of project and I am all about talking to him and teaching him skills that might help him in school and to get a job later.  I feel like it's really helped his receptive language skills, social questions and turn taking, ability to retain complex information and structure it in his head, and all kinds of other benefits you wouldn't normal think about.  , My 4 year old’s special interest is eggs. Which kind of blends into everything that comes out of eggs. She loves butterflies, turtles, and very specifically, BIRDS. Funnily enough she also thinks that rabbits come from eggs 🤣 despite the fact that we raise rabbits and she’s seen newborn ones recently. She has to go out to chicken coop daily to check for eggs and will pat our chickens and tell them “good chicktins” after she steals their eggs. She likes to go into the kitchen to look at the eggs we’ve collected. For a while it was hard to get her to relinquish the eggs but then she learned we can also cook and eat the eggs. Now she does pretty okay with giving them up. Edit to add: it does make going into the store difficult with the current holiday that is built around eggs 🤣, You are not alone. My 11 yo is hooked on everything airplanes. He can spend hours at the airport, plane spotting and can tell the model of plane by naked eye. During COVID, we watched hours of plane videos on YouTube., These hyper fixations can be difficult to get into but they are a great inroads towards other things you want to work on and bonding with your kid if you're able to lean into them.  Ours have evolved over time and I've been able to pull them together to get some big benefits  He used to pay super close attention to the high voltage power lines nearby, and want to go see the different sizes and shapes of the towers.  When the power lines hit upgraded, we watched that project happen and drove all over town to watch them build the new towers, cut down the old towers, move the lines over, go up in the cherry pickers, etc.  It was cool to see the project end to end and I talked to him about everything they were doing and what they had to plan to do and why they did things in a certain order.  I had to learn it along with him but he loved it.  We also watched some road construction projects and a couple renovations of local stores and strip malls.  And again, we talked about the projects and the stuff that needed to be done in order.  Now he's interested in chuck e cheese as they replace the Animatronics with a video wall and dance floor and a trampoline zone.  And when we go to the mall he's been interested in all the stores and restaurants that are opening and closing and moving around recently.  The challenging thing has been that a lot of his interests have been unusual and it's hard for him to make friends who share those same interests.  So he has dad to be his friend for that.   But the awesome thing was pulling those interests together and using them as a platform for learning other stuff.  He's learning about projects and the planning that goes into them.  The conversations we had around power lines really helped him to develop his thought process and some language skills so he could ask good questions.  I made him work for it if he wanted to learn stuff.  We learned how to research things together and he's gotten good at looking up his own answers to questions or finding relevant YouTubes.  We've been going to the mall a lot and he's learned a lot about safely walking away from dad and being independent then coming back, talking to grown ups at work about the different stores,  ordering food at food court restaurants or occasionally at a sit down place, safely talking to strangers like other kids in the mall, and more.  It's also worth noting that he eventually stopped fixating on power lines.  Once we had talked it all out I guess he didn't have any more questions.  The same thing is happening with the road projects nearby.  But he's still interested in new types of project and I am all about talking to him and teaching him skills that might help him in school and to get a job later.  I feel like it's really helped his receptive language skills, social questions and turn taking, ability to retain complex information and structure it in his head, and all kinds of other benefits you wouldn't normal think about.  , My 4 year old’s special interest is eggs. Which kind of blends into everything that comes out of eggs. She loves butterflies, turtles, and very specifically, BIRDS. Funnily enough she also thinks that rabbits come from eggs 🤣 despite the fact that we raise rabbits and she’s seen newborn ones recently. She has to go out to chicken coop daily to check for eggs and will pat our chickens and tell them “good chicktins” after she steals their eggs. She likes to go into the kitchen to look at the eggs we’ve collected. For a while it was hard to get her to relinquish the eggs but then she learned we can also cook and eat the eggs. Now she does pretty okay with giving them up. Edit to add: it does make going into the store difficult with the current holiday that is built around eggs 🤣, You are not alone. My 11 yo is hooked on everything airplanes. He can spend hours at the airport, plane spotting and can tell the model of plane by naked eye. During COVID, we watched hours of plane videos on YouTube., These hyper fixations can be difficult to get into but they are a great inroads towards other things you want to work on and bonding with your kid if you're able to lean into them.  Ours have evolved over time and I've been able to pull them together to get some big benefits  He used to pay super close attention to the high voltage power lines nearby, and want to go see the different sizes and shapes of the towers.  When the power lines hit upgraded, we watched that project happen and drove all over town to watch them build the new towers, cut down the old towers, move the lines over, go up in the cherry pickers, etc.  It was cool to see the project end to end and I talked to him about everything they were doing and what they had to plan to do and why they did things in a certain order.  I had to learn it along with him but he loved it.  We also watched some road construction projects and a couple renovations of local stores and strip malls.  And again, we talked about the projects and the stuff that needed to be done in order.  Now he's interested in chuck e cheese as they replace the Animatronics with a video wall and dance floor and a trampoline zone.  And when we go to the mall he's been interested in all the stores and restaurants that are opening and closing and moving around recently.  The challenging thing has been that a lot of his interests have been unusual and it's hard for him to make friends who share those same interests.  So he has dad to be his friend for that.   But the awesome thing was pulling those interests together and using them as a platform for learning other stuff.  He's learning about projects and the planning that goes into them.  The conversations we had around power lines really helped him to develop his thought process and some language skills so he could ask good questions.  I made him work for it if he wanted to learn stuff.  We learned how to research things together and he's gotten good at looking up his own answers to questions or finding relevant YouTubes.  We've been going to the mall a lot and he's learned a lot about safely walking away from dad and being independent then coming back, talking to grown ups at work about the different stores,  ordering food at food court restaurants or occasionally at a sit down place, safely talking to strangers like other kids in the mall, and more.  It's also worth noting that he eventually stopped fixating on power lines.  Once we had talked it all out I guess he didn't have any more questions.  The same thing is happening with the road projects nearby.  But he's still interested in new types of project and I am all about talking to him and teaching him skills that might help him in school and to get a job later.  I feel like it's really helped his receptive language skills, social questions and turn taking, ability to retain complex information and structure it in his head, and all kinds of other benefits you wouldn't normal think about.  , My 4 year old’s special interest is eggs. Which kind of blends into everything that comes out of eggs. She loves butterflies, turtles, and very specifically, BIRDS. Funnily enough she also thinks that rabbits come from eggs 🤣 despite the fact that we raise rabbits and she’s seen newborn ones recently. She has to go out to chicken coop daily to check for eggs and will pat our chickens and tell them “good chicktins” after she steals their eggs. She likes to go into the kitchen to look at the eggs we’ve collected. For a while it was hard to get her to relinquish the eggs but then she learned we can also cook and eat the eggs. Now she does pretty okay with giving them up. Edit to add: it does make going into the store difficult with the current holiday that is built around eggs 🤣, You are not alone. My 11 yo is hooked on everything airplanes. He can spend hours at the airport, plane spotting and can tell the model of plane by naked eye. During COVID, we watched hours of plane videos on YouTube.

Speech delay or possible Autism?

Hi! My 18 month old is speech delayed and we are working with a speech pathologist. The speech therapist states her imitation and joint attention are great. No one has concerns of autism for my daughter, but I just feel like there could be something else going on. Is this typical toddler behavior? Or what are your thoughts? CONS: \-no words \-shared interested was delayed and started at 15mo \-Imitation didn't really happen till after a year \-does not distal point \-does not wave bye or shake her head yes or no \-gets super excited for crinkly paper and can play with it for 10+ min at a time, multiple times a day. \-play skills okay- throws blocks and things off kitchen, but loves to do ball drops and read books. PROS: \-Passes Mchat \-Does share interest a lot now by bringing us random things around the house and toys for her to read. \-no stims that I can tell \-Does imitate now; like I mentioned before, it was delayed and still might be compared to her peers. \-receptive is on track \-she points to things she wants, claps, high fives, \-Pretend play, but minimal. \-Eats and sleeps great; transitions are fine. &#x200B; She is the sweetest, most easiest going baby! Very cautious and slow to warm up. &#x200B;

Lack of pointing and gestures is a big red flag- reach out to early intervention.  That's not to say it's autism- it could just be a general delay BUT always better to be safe, I noticed few things with my then 18 month old son. He was diagnosed at 2 years old in January 2024 and found out he was indeed Autistic. He had the following - Speech Delays - Tip toeing. He doesn’t walk on flats - He likes wheels of cars or truck. - Play by himself - stims from cartoons that he likes - Doesn’t answer to his name - Doesn’t know how to communicate ( language barrier) - Doesn’t understand what you’re saying - Spin items on the ground or he spins around - If he wants something he will either try get it or have you get it. - he never used to clap ( now he does), You should definitely work on getting the child evaluated. If something seems off, don't ignore the hunch., OP, look for the response to name. We were on the fence with our son for a long time since he did not exhibit any classic autism signs but he never responded to his name, and so we got his diagnosis.

Speech for son

My son (7) has been diagnosed with expressive recessive language disorder and is considered non-verbal. He was receiving speech services last year from the district, but HISD dropped the ball this year. They are barely beginning speech services this month (school ends in June) but they are virtual. Virtual learning is ineffective for him. I’ve told the school and the speech person this. My son is clearly not getting the help he needs. I’ve searched online, organizations, state and local websites and even TPT to for any resource that I can use to help him at home. I am having zero luck. Has anyone had a similar experience or any advice of what to do next?

Get an advocate. The school owes you compensatory services if your son has speech in his IEP but has not been receiving it., Get an advocate. The school owes you compensatory services if your son has speech in his IEP but has not been receiving it., Get an advocate. The school owes you compensatory services if your son has speech in his IEP but has not been receiving it., Get an advocate. The school owes you compensatory services if your son has speech in his IEP but has not been receiving it.

St. John’s Wort

St. John’s Wort… Anyone ever tried it? For yourself or child? I’m considering it for my son but I know it interacts with a lot of medications. The only one he occasionally takes that it could possibly interact with is cough medicine (dextromethorphan I think is the name.) I would try it for myself first but I am on a SSRI which also interacts with St. John’s Wort. I’ve heard it truly does wonders for depression, anxiety, ocd, adhd, etc. I’m just a little worrisome it could cause seratonin syndrome while also taking cough medicine. I’m also aware I need to talk to a doctor about this first 😆 but I’d love any input anyone has to offer!

I'd talk to a doctor first. My sons pediatrician told us to use magnesium for our sons anxiety. It's worked wonders, he's been so much less likely to have a meltdown and no longer scared to walked down long narrow hallways(reminded him of doc offices and had a traumatic blood draw experience there). I really don't know anything about st. John's wort. I used to take 5htp for myself for anxiety but it didn't do much., I’ve taken it for years for my anxiety disorder and it works as well as the Paxil I was taking., Did it react with other medicines you happen to have taken over that time period? Did you happen to take any cough medicine like muninex?, I was also afraid of serotonin syndrome so I got off all my meds before I started it. I’ve taken other meds along with the St. John’s wort since then, but have never had any issues. I even took it throughout my pregnancy with no ill effects. I’ve never taken cough medicine, I’m into herbal medicine so I usually treat coughs with herbal remedies. St. John’s wort is a very mild and safe herb. The main interactions I’d be concerned about is combining it with an SSRI or with blood thinners as there’s a possibility it can increase the effects. It can make you more sleepy so its best taken at night and once you start taking it long term and then stop it can cause insomnia. Every year I do a two week detox where I stop taking all my herbal supplements to give my body a break and to reassess to see if I still need to take them and I recommend anyone who takes herbs long term do the same. If you do try it, and you are taking it in pill form, make sure you buy a medium to expensive brand. The cheap ones often have little to no herb in them and are useless. Also, herbal remedies often take weeks of even months before you see any effects. I’d start your son (if he’s under age 15) with a 300mg or 400mg pill (make sure the brand has a standardized Hypericin amount listed) and continue taking it for a month. If you see no effects stop talking it or you can double the dose and see if that changes anything. If you see any ill effects like photosensitivity, sleep disturbances, odd or extreme behavioral changes, then discontinue the herb immediately.

States that are good for services.

We currently live in Arizona and the services, state Medicaid, educational scholarship that pays for private school etc are excellent. We are thinking of moving. Are there any other states that provide excellent support for ASD and no long wait times to get services etc?

Massachusetts is phenomenal , We've had pretty good luck in Illinois. Have a pretty good income and state has still paid for nearly all services, devices, etc. I have 2 kids going to a school 2 blocks from our house, but the school busses my son and others in the area to a school 20 minutes away with better services available., kentucky has been amazing. i can’t imagine if i was still in houston how long the wait lists would be, I used to live in California they have good services and a regional center they allow parents to be their child caregiver and I have heard Colorado is pretty great also. I live in Oklahoma they are getting better but it feels like they are 30 years behind California, Massachusetts is rated the best, but the cost of living is so much higher than Arizona., Massachusetts is phenomenal , We've had pretty good luck in Illinois. Have a pretty good income and state has still paid for nearly all services, devices, etc. I have 2 kids going to a school 2 blocks from our house, but the school busses my son and others in the area to a school 20 minutes away with better services available., kentucky has been amazing. i can’t imagine if i was still in houston how long the wait lists would be, I used to live in California they have good services and a regional center they allow parents to be their child caregiver and I have heard Colorado is pretty great also. I live in Oklahoma they are getting better but it feels like they are 30 years behind California, Massachusetts is rated the best, but the cost of living is so much higher than Arizona., Massachusetts is phenomenal , We've had pretty good luck in Illinois. Have a pretty good income and state has still paid for nearly all services, devices, etc. I have 2 kids going to a school 2 blocks from our house, but the school busses my son and others in the area to a school 20 minutes away with better services available., kentucky has been amazing. i can’t imagine if i was still in houston how long the wait lists would be, I used to live in California they have good services and a regional center they allow parents to be their child caregiver and I have heard Colorado is pretty great also. I live in Oklahoma they are getting better but it feels like they are 30 years behind California, Massachusetts is rated the best, but the cost of living is so much higher than Arizona., Massachusetts is phenomenal , We've had pretty good luck in Illinois. Have a pretty good income and state has still paid for nearly all services, devices, etc. I have 2 kids going to a school 2 blocks from our house, but the school busses my son and others in the area to a school 20 minutes away with better services available., kentucky has been amazing. i can’t imagine if i was still in houston how long the wait lists would be, I used to live in California they have good services and a regional center they allow parents to be their child caregiver and I have heard Colorado is pretty great also. I live in Oklahoma they are getting better but it feels like they are 30 years behind California, Massachusetts is rated the best, but the cost of living is so much higher than Arizona.

Stem Cell

Hi, I wanted some advice. I have an autistic nephew, he is 5 years old and he is non-verbal. My family is really struggling right now with him. He gets very angry and becomes aggressive. We suspect he is trying to tell us something. He screams and shouts constantly. My sister is really struggling with him, I can see her burning out. Me and my parents always step in to help, but there's so much we can do. We have went to our local GP' s for help, but haven't received much support. Over the last few months, we have been looking into stem cell therapy and we are considering to do it. I just wanted people's advice regarding this treatment. Also, if anyone has done it and if they have seen any positive results. Thanks.

as a physician, i can tell you this is a scam., Nope nope nope. I see families getting duped by snake oil salesmen in Mexico, India, etc charging tens of thousands of dollars promising miracles. It’s all bullshit. No legit studies have shown any benefit. If they had, then it would be a legit therapy. Not saying it won’t ever be useful, but there’s nothing there yet., I know someone who did it for her son. She went to Mexico and her son didn’t show any improvements after the procedure., Thanks for the response guys. I will definitely pass on this to my sister. I will definitely look for more help from the proper authorities, We had a 5yr non verbal and had amazing success with ABA therapy. He’s now able to express himself verbally and ask for things. Still have a long way to go, but we waited so long to hear him talk. Another thing to look into is Mrs Rachel on YouTube. Her videos are Speech Delay Centric., Is this child in occupational or speech therapy? If not, that's a great place to start. Using a communication board and sign language helped my son immensity with communication. He's having less meltdowns, is able to communicate how he fells and what he wants and it's reduced the stress at home a ton. You don't even need to see a SLP to use a communication board. You can make one with you own images as well. This kiddo seems frustrated because he isn't being heard and understood. My son was the same way and now things are much easier., Nope. I would not subject my child to unproven experimental treatments with safety concerns. Sounds like you need to work with his therapists on trying to understand what he is trying to communicate, It doesn’t make a lot of sense, stem cells “restores” every cell in the human body, but brain cells are too complex to simply “fix” them . So maybe some condition other than autism is improved and that gives the false impression it works, but the autism is still pretty much the same, There's no real studies suggesting that stem cell therapy helps with autism symptoms, and there's risks like infection and tumor growth. Since this is no approved condition to treat with stem cell therapy, treatments are usually not regulated so the risks of side effects are much higher - again, with no evidence that it'd provide any benefits. Is your nephew in speech therapy? Make sure they're working on alternative communication methods before verbal speech (like images, aac devices, sign language) - his ability to communicate is more important than communicating in a specific way. Having a way to communicate his needs and feelings can make a giant difference with frustration. What other therapies is he in? Occupational therapy might help your sister figure out his sensory needs, which can help with meltdowns (that often include agression and shouting). If he's in a special education or inclusive kindergarten she could also consider asking his teachers for help - they often know who to turn to. Did he see a psychiatrist? Therapy is always the first thing to try, but medication can be really helpful for some children. She definitely needs to discuss these options with a psychiatrist, there is medication that's tested on children, proven to be safe and helpful in at least some cases - none of this is the case for stem cell therapy., It could be that he is in pain. My son had a cavity we missed and it was a total nightmare. It could also be new teeth emerging that cause discomfort. You can try pain killers to see if it helps and try finding a dentist that is open minded. It took us 5 weekly visits to get him to let him be examined. Each visit lasted only a few minutes. When he signed go home we quickly left., You will not find a single person here who was recommended stem cell therapy for their ASD child. First, the kid needs to see a developmental pediatrician who can help diagnose his issues. Second, he needs speech therapy. Maybe ABA therapy. Maybe OT too. Maybe drugs. (Having the diagnosis my help unlock insurance coverage for some of these services.). And while a development pediatrician may recommend getting a genetic assessment to see if there is a possible genetic reason for his ASD, genetic research for ASD is in it’s infancy and they will basically just rule out Fragile x and a few other known genetic causes and then try to encourage you to become their Guinea pig and enroll in clinical studies. Where does this kids live - ie what’s the nearest metro area? Maybe someone here can recommend where to get good services., Where are you located ? I'm not aware of anyone posting their experience here with that. If it was vetted and studied I would personally consider it., This post reminds me of some friends of ours we’ve met through our son’s school…They’re weighing their options with stem cell therapy. They have already realized there are absolutely people out there running scams to lure in parents seeking this particular treatment. So just want to make sure your sister exercises extreme caution. It’s the proverbial “too good to be true” scenario., There’s no reason to believe that stem cell therapy would help with autism, unless you’re talking about genetically engineered stem cells with a modified copy of their genome containing fixes for the mutation(s) that cause their autism (which would likely be done with a viral vector rather than stem cells, but I digress). While technologically well within the current state of the art, I don’t believe there are any studies yet underway into genetic therapy for autism. If you had enough resources I’m sure it could be accomplished within a few years of targeted research. There are medical treatments available that can be effective in relieving his anxiety and likely chronic hypercortisolism, and most - if not all - of his neurological and endocrinologist symptoms, but tragically many autists suffer their whole life without ever receiving proper medical treatment., Does he have any therapies?, In the meantime, could you look into other forms of communication that might help your nephew? Basic sign language could be very helpful: hunger, thirst, hug, sad, angry, happy, play, quiet, pain, etc…? Or maybe teach him to associate with visual language cards? Sometimes something like [this](https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/100345897920695506/) can be extremely useful for relieving those angry moods. There are so many other more proven and effective methods to helping this kid., They'd be better off spending that money on speech therapy, occupational therapy, and also respite care/a special needs nanny. Where are they located? Have they got a special school place for their child? If he is in the right school they should be helping them get therapies for him. If they aren't in a special school then they should use the money that would go to stem cell treatment getting a SEND solicitor to fight the local authority for adequate schooling., Wasted $10k on this. Don't do it., Gut biosis improvement would be more effective than stem cell, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNJi0CzfodI, I believe stem cell research/therapy is still only in its infant stages and while I personally think there is huge potential for it in the future, anything meaningful is probably still a decade or two away., I also have an autistic nephew. My sister is currently in Mexico right now getting him stem cell treatment. I came here for research because I thought it was bullshit., https://open.spotify.com/episode/47nk8dkEIBJjYtIqUDSAjf?si=F1DkGebxTXabjfgw6ROyRA Halfway through this podcast. Doctors., Thanks for jumping onto this doctor. I hate when people get duped by this crap. I see it on the Facebook groups, and then they convince themselves that there’s an improvement, because to believe otherwise is to believe you got suckered., How the do we know that your are a physician?  What is your medical license and where are you licensed?  What type of physician are you?  What experience do you have in stem cell therapy, research or regenerative medicine therapy? I could state that I am a scientist and argue that it works but who the hell am I?, my son was nonverbal for a time. best thing we did was teach him sign language. there are modified versions depending on age/ability. he doesnt need to learn all of it at first to overwhelem him or your sister but it will help with frutration. also , (assuming hes a child) kids are very goood with electronic devices, use those to help get across what he wants. ive never used one myself but i have seen other parents of non verbal kids use them with success., Cope not cure Easy to remember., You should research the companies offering the service and PubMed Central for studies, check FDA.  Ask the companies for published findings and their compliance with FDA regulations.  You can read their purported patient reviews for specific outcomes beyond their customer service experiences. Don’t close the door until you have asked the hard questions of the clinics offering the therapies., It’s a nephew, not even OP’s own child, We had 8 cavities at age 4. Big ones. it hurt me seeing the x-ray., I just want to add that if a genetic cause is possible then it's worth following up so you have information about making future reproductive choices. My son and I share a mutation (not Fragile X, but also on the X Chromosome), and it was really important to know about this when deciding to have another child. Also, in the UK you'd be eligible for funded IVF treatment if a hereditary genetic cause was found., Yeah, the vast majority of autism cases do not have a clearly mapped pathology either. There are so many mutations which produce the same end result, there is no way this is legit., This seems like a fascinating area of research, An interesting area of research to be sure. Hoping to see some results out of it. Nothing concrete yet, so I’m not holding out any hopes for therapies., Hi Shamaniac1217! How did your nephew make out if you don't mind my asking? Have you seen any improvements?, And have you verified that this person is actually a physician?, Autism is a spectrum disorder, so there's no one-size-fits-all treatment. What works for one person may not work for another., I couldn’t tell you. I voiced my concerns about the treatment and my sister and husband got very defensive and haven’t spoken to me since. So I haven’t seen him., I’m so sorry, prayerfully you guys can work it out. Thanks for responding.

Stem Cells

Are there any parents out there who did the stem cell treatment for autism on their young child? What was the “change” you saw after?

Stem cell therapies, while once thought to be promising for many things, have been found to have extremely limited success for an extremely limited range of disorders. Autism Spectrum Disorder definitely is NOT one of them. Whoever is telling you stem cell therapy might help with autism is selling you a dangerous fiction., Don't waste your time and money., Stem cell therapy for autism? They haven’t even conclusively narrowed down what genes cause autism yet. I’m doubtful this would have any effects., Pluripotent stem cells will mostly only be of utility as a result of deaging and life/health extension treatments., We have done stem cells and we noticed a difference. It wasnt fast but we noticed a difference. We did 2 different rounds in 2 different locations., I have a bridge to sell you., Thank you for your response:), Fair point. Thank you!, I am always noticing differences, but often I do not know what caused the difference. Our child is developing all the time, often in fits and starts., Wow. Im downvoted for posting my personal experience. Gotta love these open minded subs. I guess ill go back to just lurking., Many autism parents get triggered if someone says "there is a cure" or something similar., Ive noticed. I agree that anyone claiming stem cells are a cure is very misleading. Stem cells helped us, but they didn’t cure anything., I really want to understand. Helped behaviour wise? Helped learning?, Eye contact improved. Responding to request and commands like bring me that toy or put your dish in the sink. She goes to ABA therapy five days a week and his gains in school improved dramatically. It did take about a year to be able to look back on the differences and see the improvement as when you look at it every day it was hard to see., Awesome! 👏 But, how much of that was your hard work vs the stem cells? Ugh. I’m so on the fence about it., ... And that's why such posts are downvoted.