text stringlengths 3 40k | __index_level_0__ int64 0 579k |
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How did Rowan Atkinson introduce himself when he performed in Spain? Soy Bean | 701 |
A guy is on a video conference with headquarters talking about the formal companywide quarantine coming ip in two days. The CEO asks everyone, "would you rather A.) Be quarantined at home with your spouse and kids? Or" before he can continue........ BBBBBBBBBBBBBB BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! | 702 |
A Russian man is walking along a road minding his own business when he finds a bottle on the ground. He picks it up, opens it, and a genie appears. The genie says, "Thank you so much for letting me out! I feel I should do something for you, too. Would you like to become a Hero of the Soviet Union?"
The guy says: "Yes... | 703 |
The jail guard, Tosis, kept asking me if there was anything he could bring to my cell to keep me from killing myself... So I replied, "A pop, Tosis" | 704 |
An 8yo child and their parents walk out of a store... The child see’s a car in the back of the parking lot bouncing up and down. Out of curiosity he runs over to the car and hears a man day “damn she had nice buns”. The child asks “what buns”? And the man replies “the hamburger buns”. So the hungry boy goes in line for... | 705 |
People always say don’t bring a knife to a gun fight.. I don’t know, I always thought the person with the knife has the edge. | 706 |
How can you know when a fly farted... Il flies in a straight line for a few seconds | 707 |
What did Xi Jinping say to stop the spread of coronavirus? "No ming ling!" | 708 |
I gently slid her panties to the left... So that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer | 709 |
What is the acronym for the world health alliance team That’s not a question | 710 |
What does the starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common? they both circle Ur-Anus looking for Kling-Ons! | 711 |
Last time I got a piece of ass was hen my finger went through the toilet paper. | 712 |
4 gays walk into a bar The gays walk into the bar and they’re having a good time, when all of a sudden they get tired from standing around and drinking all the time. One of the dudes goes “man I’m so tired of standing around I kinda wanna seat” another one goes “yeah me too I could sure use one”. The third friend mana... | 713 |
How are women like swimming pools? They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside them | 714 |
What do women and grenades have in common? Take the ring off and the house is gone | 715 |
An android phone and an iPhone meet after a year. iPhone: What......the......fuck.....dude? You.....are.....infested.....with.....malware!!
Android Phone: Fuckers don't update me. But what happened to you? Why are speaking with a lag?
iPhone: Fuckers.....updated......me. | 716 |
Ran out of toilet paper so had to start using lettuce leaves today was the tip of the iceberg | 717 |
Probably not funny but here goes A Chinese boy comes home with test results, the test is out of 100 and he got 25. He showed his Dad and he said to him,
You Dim Son | 718 |
Something from my gma today: I'm never wrong, I thought I was once, but it turns out I was mistaken. | 719 |
What's grosser than gross? Eating a bowl of cornflakes
What's grosser than that?
Finding out your brother lost his scab collection | 720 |
Doctor: Your dad is not with us anymore. Me: Oh No. Oh My God.
Doctor: He is at a different hospital.
Me: Oh, Thank God.
Doctor: But he is dead though. | 721 |
[NSFW] This happened to someone I know A real hot woman was alone at home as her husband was at work and her daughter was at school.
She wanted to drink coffee but there was no milk. So she then took out a vessel, went to her bedroom and removed her clothes.
Then she wore a better set of clothes and went to the dai... | 722 |
A man and a woman were in bed getting ready to sleep... ...sudendly the man farts and tries to think of an excuse.
-1:0 I am winning, - says the man.
Few moments later the woman lets out a big fart.
-1:1 draw, - says the woman with a smile on her face.
Man does not want to lose so he tries and tries to fart very ha... | 723 |
Does anyone know? If we can shower yet, or just keep washing our hands? | 724 |
It's easy to tell that I'm stable... ...there's a horse sticking out of my butt | 725 |
My dad was annoyed that the movie we were watching had a male lead... "Honestly, you're the worst type of feminist." I told him, a little frustrated.
"No, I'm the best kind," He replied, "A man!" | 726 |
A fat man went to the doctor He said, "Doctor, I think I might be anorexic."
The Doctor says, "Why's that?"
The fat man says, "Whenever I look in the mirror, I see a fat person." | 727 |
What does a cactus say when greeting its friends? saguaro you doing? | 728 |
A black man walked into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder The bartender says oh thats cool, where did you get him?
Then the parrot responds and says africa. | 729 |
Stupidity is hereditary A young boy came back from school one evening and complained to his father, "I have a mean teacher who always calls me stupid." The father, angry, replies, "I'll come with you to school tomorrow and confront this arrogant teacher."
The next day, the boy and his father go to school, and the boy ... | 730 |
Is it better to write on a full stomach or an empty one? It is better to write on paper | 731 |
Introverts hate communism They’d much prefer antisocialism. | 732 |
A Vincent Van Gogh painting was stolen this weekend from a Dutch Museum. Now it's Vincent Van Gone. | 733 |
Quarantine is risking a condom shortage. Diaper manufacturers are already gearing up. They know shit already. | 734 |
Yesterday I found bottle of Extra Virgin Olive Oil in my house Now it's just Olive Oil | 735 |
yes I have a vore fetish, if you’ve got a problem with that you can eat me | 736 |
An accountant, an engineer, and a lawyer walks into a bar.. Bartender: what is this? Some kind of a joke? | 737 |
Covid or not, I really want to go and buy Vietnamese sandwich ....but they Banh Mi from going outside | 738 |
I don’t really believe in star signs But that’s because I’m a Sagittarius | 739 |
My wife stopped me on the way out the door with my viola case in hand.
Wife: Where do you think you're going?
Me: I got a gig.
Wife: A gig? I thought all your gigs got cancelled?
Me: I got a new one.
Wife: Who hires a violist when we're all quarantined?
Me: The health department. They want me to walk down the s... | 740 |
I be flourishing during Covid-19. homelessness was never easier til i blended in with the newbies. | 741 |
An ISIS freedom fighter was feeling down so I decided to tell him a joke, but to no avail - This was no laughing martyr. | 742 |
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat into the water? If they feel forward, they’d still be on the boat. | 743 |
There is a mathematical formula for food sex. The heat of the meat is directly proportional to angle of the dangle given that the mass of the ass is constant. | 744 |
Finding Jesus A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a Preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water And subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is Almost overcome by the smell of booze. But, he still manages to ask the Drunk, "... | 745 |
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I wore the wrong sock today | 746 |
I may have 2020 vision But no one could have saw this coming | 747 |
this is from a speech I gave in my dream right before I woke up this morning
"As we contemplate the shared contributions of graphite and rubber in the advancement of literature,
we consider graphite and its role in recording transformative ideas with exquisite prose,
and rubber for eliminating substandard word choices... | 748 |
Have you read any books this year? -Only 1984
-Wow. That is a lot! | 749 |
My yoga teacher said that downward dog will take one to a place of spiritual revelation. That's a big stretch. | 750 |
Good ole little Johnny was sitting in class The teacher drew a line with three birds on it up on the blackboard.
​
"Ok, class, there are three birds on a wire, if one of the birds falls off, how many birds are left?"
​
As she erases one of the birds on the blackboard, little Susie in the front... | 751 |
Who is the leader of international public health? Yes. | 752 |
What do you call the opposite of a monopoly? A polypoly | 753 |
What is another word for necrophiliacs Ghost Buster | 754 |
When the apocalypse starts I’m gonna be called BG. Because I’ll be stayin’ alive. | 755 |
What’s the difference between a drunk person and a child? None— They both speak too freely, much to everyone else’s annoyance. | 756 |
Wife was checking her husbands phone... ... and saw a contact named COVID19 & she called the number and her own phone rang.
Husband is now in isolation | 757 |
What do you call a boner at a funeral? A mourning wood
(I am not sorry if this has been posted before) | 758 |
A wealthy businessman wanted to expand his business to a new country The king of the land was wealthy, and didn't want to allow the foreign business. There didn't seem to anything the businessman could offer to persuade the king.
Finally the king agreed to let the business in if the businessman would give him his daug... | 759 |
My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up........... A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?’ ‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer. ‘Nope,’ replied the man. ‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,... | 760 |
What do u call a spoiled skeleton? Mommy’s bones | 761 |
Did you know people that wear Crocs are more likely to have COVID-19? One of the first symptoms is lack of taste. | 762 |
Pennies are becoming more and more rare in the US. We're lacking common cents. | 763 |
I was sat on the end of my bed last night pulling off my Boxers... And the mrs said: “You really do spoil those dogs” | 764 |
What do you call a bad hair day? Everyday | 765 |
What's bucking bronco sex? Take your partner from behind and tell her that her sister is better, you get more points for the longer you stay on :) | 766 |
A hire van ran over my foot today.
Really Hertz! | 767 |
Why don't you invite a monkey to a butcher shop? He'll use the meat cleaver to scratch his balls! PML. | 768 |
There was an old man laying in the hospital on the verge of death. As he floated on the verge of consciousness for 2 weeks, his faithful wife sat in a chair by him every moment.
When the man gained enough strength to speak, he whispered, "Honey you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired from the... | 769 |
As a fisherman who has no idea what he's doing,I dont need to worry about the corona virus I never catch anything. | 770 |
It took a pandemic for us to start cherishing the smaller things in life That's what my girlfriend did | 771 |
I was trying to make up a joke social- distancing... But this was as close as I could get. | 772 |
Hey do you guys remember about the "press F to pay respects" meme I heard that it died, hit me kinda hard.
F
wait a second | 773 |
Which came first, the chicken or the egg? I don't know man, depends on what you ordered first. | 774 |
What do you call a man spending time alone in space? Astro-nut | 775 |
A Russian and an American get into an Argument A Russian and an American get into an argument about who has more rights, the American says he got alot more rights, and tells the Russian that he can go to the White House and talk shit about the president and no one will do anything to him
The Russian replies with the... | 776 |
I was coughing and started to feel like I had a fever. I typed in my symptoms into the computer. It said I have “Network Connectivity Problems” | 777 |
Two plus sized woman walk into a bar At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!"
Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!"
The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!" | 778 |
I was at the bank and this young woman in front of me was depositing a massive bag of dollar bills. The teller asked "Did you hoard all these dollars by yourself?" "No", she replied, "My sister whored half of them!" | 779 |
Why did the horse lose the race? He was a STALLion. | 780 |
A 12 year old boy comes home early from the playground and to his surprise when he enters his house, he hears loud moaning voices coming from his parent's room, in a confused state he quickly hides in his room. His father also comes home early, and the boyfriend of his mother comes running down and hides in the kids ro... | 781 |
The Man In Black was talking to an Alien in a coffee shop. He asks, "what kind of currency does Space use?"
The Alien points to the cup of coffee and said, "Starbucks" | 782 |
Which philosopher is the moistest? Jean-Paul Water | 783 |
Michael Jackson went to the psychiatrist because he was feeling stressed out.
The psychiatrist nodded and wrote Michael instructions to try to help him relax. He wrote that Michael should get in touch with the child inside him.
2 weeks later Michael came back for his follow-up appointment:
Michael- Thank you so muc... | 784 |
def "tomcat:" _n._ A ball-bearing mousetrap. | 785 |
What is the most popular type of porn right now? Quaran-teen | 786 |
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? A whooly jumper | 787 |
A man goes to the doctor for his annual physical. The doctor tells him “Sir, I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
“What for?!” Exclaims the man, confused and upset with the news.
The doctor, very annoyed with his patient replies “Because I’m trying to give you a physical.” | 788 |
In my opinion,the starwars franchise should be 13+ Because every lightsaber is a hotline | 789 |
With the coronavirus, please be careful when it comes to dates. All that fiber can increase toilet paper usage. | 790 |
Whats the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler? Usain Bolt can finish a race | 791 |
Bird and elephant It's a bird wandering in the forest, and he comes across an elephant. When he sees it, he falls in love right away. He goes up to him and says, "I'm crazy about you! I want to fuck you!". And the elephant says, "Uh, no, thanks." So the bird starts begging him: "I'm begging you! Let me fuck you, let me... | 792 |
99.9% of people are idiots. Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people | 793 |
I guess China finally got what they want They managed to coronise the world. | 794 |
A man doesn't walk into a bar... no.... no you wouldn't get it It's an inn joke | 795 |
What sport is walking in circles? Cycling | 796 |
A man walked into my shop with a dog on a lead... "You can't bring your dog in here", I said
"I'm blind and it's my guide dog", he replied
I apologised and said,
"Oh right, I see"
"Alright mate, don't rub it in", he replied. | 797 |
Yesterday, I met a prostitute with a 150 IQ. She was a fucking genius. | 798 |
People used to laugh when I carried a bottle of cheap vodka everywhere with me. "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"No officer, just sanitizing!" | 799 |
Why was Hitler grumpy at breakfast? Because he didn't like the juice. | 800 |
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