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Don’t die, there is so much to live for... I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
He said "Why shouldn't I?".
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well, are you religious or a... | 601 |
African chief whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies There was this African chief at the turn of the last century whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies. These thrones he would collect and display in the second level of his magnificent pala... | 602 |
Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around? “Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?”
“No, not a soul, actually.”
“Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!” | 603 |
So, I put on some white noise because I heard it helps you sleep. Who the hell falls asleep while Nickelback is playing? | 604 |
There’s an unusual hospital where one of the treatments involves the female nurses taking the male patients home and sleeping with them.
For most of the patients, the treatment is very effective. But one day, into the hospital comes an odd patient who has the word “Shorty” tattooed on his penis. None of the nurses wan... | 605 |
A new movie is announced featuring Corona Virus as the lead star Around the world in 80 days | 606 |
What’s the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg.
You can’t beat a wank. | 607 |
What do you call a dinosaur who just simply ruins _everything?_ Tyrannosaurus wrecks! | 608 |
Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. The reason for the crash? Left wing destroyed | 609 |
Why do vegetarians give good head? Because they're used to eating nuts. | 610 |
The joke that comedians tell other comedians The Aristocrats | 611 |
Why are there no cats on Mars? Because Curiosity killed the cat! | 612 |
The safest place to be is outdoors.... ... a few feet below the ground! | 613 |
How to make your wife scream Three men are discussing their sex lives.
The Italian says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her b... | 614 |
I have dedicated my entire life to knowing 96% of the alphabet I really don't know why though | 615 |
The U2 spy plane took many pictures during its military career. But it still hasn’t found what it’s looking for. | 616 |
Who knew that all it took was one bat from China... ... to completely eradicate the USA's school shooting problem! | 617 |
In my opinion, claustrophobics are the most creative. They always think out of the box. | 618 |
So Trader Joe's has a new policy wear you cant bring in bags anymore... I was walking into Trader Joe's with my reusable bags as an elderly couple was walking out.
Elder Man: You cant go in with those bags
Me: What?
EM: You cant go in with those old bags
Me: What are you talking about?
EM: Its the new policy you cant ... | 619 |
Did you hear about the guy who ate 15 pounds of chocolate? Yeah... his stomach was really "Belgian" by the time he finished.
This is the first of a line of country-themed jokes I am working on(Belgium). Stay tuned for the next one- Canada! | 620 |
Whats the meaning of ignorance, and apathy? I don't know, and i dont care. | 621 |
When I caught my vegan babysitter, Mary Poppins, eating a lamb chop... When I caught my vegan babysitter, Mary Poppins, eating a lamb chop she begged me to keep it a secret.
​
What was I going to say? "Mary had a little lamb"? | 622 |
I was passionately following my dreams.
They felt threatened, and filed for a restraining order.
Now I’m not allowed anywhere within 200mtr of their presence. | 623 |
A family were having dinner... All of a sudden, the 5yo daughter says:
"grandpa is going to die"
Nobody takes her seriously, and they go to bed. In the middle of the night, the hospital calls to tell the father that his own father died. Strange coincidence.
The next day, the family is having dinner again, and this ... | 624 |
I saw my ex girlfriend standing across the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello. There was just too much history between us. | 625 |
What do you call a stolen Tesla? An Edison. | 626 |
Cars are like A-holes You got:
Clean cars
Dirty cars
Wet cars
Slow cars
Fast cars
Different color cars
Hot cars
Cars that hold one
Cars that hold two
And Big cars (yeah Karen, I'm looking at you) | 627 |
Chevrolet announced that they’re going to start producing ventilators in their factories. Preliminary orders for the Chevy Noviva have been strong in the U.S. but surprising weak in Latin American. | 628 |
A husband and wife went out shopping for essentials to avoid the corona virus. After picking up a package of toilet paper, the husband glanced up and noticed another man walking towards them. The husband then shouted something incomprehensible , grabbed his wife by the arm and quickly ushered her into another aisle. T... | 629 |
I Bought A Terrible Thesaurus It was terrible. | 630 |
People keep telling me I wouldn't value other opinions enough. Little do they know. | 631 |
This quarantine thing isn’t working out. My wife and I have become so close that I almost told her about my girlfriend. | 632 |
If you are ever If you are ever lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house.
"Well I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament".
Classic Mitch Hedberg | 633 |
Guy goes to his psychiatrist and says, "Doc you gotta help me. I keep having these dreams, one night I'm a teepee, the next night I'm a wigwam; teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam! I'm going out of my mind! Doctor says, "I know what your problem is." Guy says, "What?" "You're two tents." | 634 |
I have Backstreet Boys stuck in my head. Tell me whyeie | 635 |
Two Japanese men are driving at night. To improve their English, they choose to speak in English for the duration of their drive. Not only must they get used to English, they must get used to the differences in the car compared to cars in Japan.
As they set off in the pitch dark road in the backwoods, one of them imm... | 636 |
Two interesting facts about me Fact No 1 - My penis is exactly the length of 2 Ikea pencils.
Fact No 2 - I am now banned from Ikea | 637 |
A man is talking with his friends "Should I make a company?" he asks them.
"Da," his Russian friend Boris says.
"Should it be a shoe company?" he asks.
"Si," his Spanish friend Miguel says.
"Should its name be an anagram of your three answers to my questions?" he asks.
"Da," says Boris. | 638 |
My ex has the body of a 19 y/o. Wanna see it? :-) It's in the fridge. | 639 |
What type of shirt does a poop like to wear? Turd-lenecks | 640 |
I used to tell dad jokes He laughed. | 641 |
This actually happened... My son farted several times in a row this morning and said "wow! I'm really pootin' "... I said "well what are you going to do about the Russian economy?"... he didn't get it, but at least I was amused... | 642 |
An Englishman a Scotsman and an irishman walk into a bar An Englishman a Scotsman and an irishman walk into a bar. They all order a pint of liquor and the Englishman notices a vase full of gold coins in the corner of the bar, he asks what its for and the bar keeper says that they can have it if they complete 3 tasks
1.... | 643 |
Three old women sat smoking in a park As the day went on it grew darker and eventually it began to rain. The first two ladies pulled out condoms, cut the tips off and rolled them over their cigarettes and continue to smoke. The third lady was amazed at this product that allowed her friends to smoke in the rain. “What a... | 644 |
Wanna know the weird thing about dead babies? They’re still born | 645 |
So the avatar was gone for 100 years and he came back That's what I call a Boomer Aang | 646 |
A man walks into a bar Must’ve hurt a lot. | 647 |
Three cats have a race There’s an American one named OneTwoThree, a German one name EinZweiDrei and a French one named UnDeuxTrois. They all swim across a lake. The American cat was first, the German cat was second, while the French cat was nowhere to be found.
Why?
Because the UnDeuxTrois quatre cinq | 648 |
Godwin's law Godwin's law states that someone will always correct you on the internet. It also says that the people who correct you will likely be corrected. | 649 |
My mom recently told me this amazing piece of news. Donald Trump was recently discovered to have a brain! Scientists said there are two halves of his brain discovered. In the left part, there is nothing right. And in the right part, there is nothing left. | 650 |
Seen my goat? Two guys were walking through a field when they came across a big hole in the ground. One said how deep do you think this hole is? The other guy says don’t know, let’s throw a rock down there then listen to see how long it takes to hit bottom. So they threw a rock in and never heard it hit.... we need a b... | 651 |
Do you know why they wear pants in England but kilts in Scotland? It's because a sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.... But goats don't hear so good. | 652 |
The other day, I told my friend that part of Canada is in the arctic circle “Really?” He said. “There’s no way!”
He was having Nunavut. | 653 |
If being Russian means my b's are v's, Then Soviet
^(not a repost) | 654 |
Never criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes | 655 |
Mankind vs mommy nature Mankind: we will never slow down or shut down to help this climate change.
Mommy nature: Here is a virus. Practice. | 656 |
What do you call an elephant mixed with a rhino? The Ellephino - Elleph~i~no | 657 |
Yo mamma so fat Thanos had to clap | 658 |
What instrument does Perry the Platypus play? Tuba tuba tuba Tuba tuba tuba | 659 |
Had my wallet stolen by a red piece of fruit It was a strobbery! | 660 |
An old proverb Benny gets engaged to a woman and her father tells him he wants to talk to him.
"What do you want?" Benny asks.
"Well, I wanted you to know that you can't shave until you get married or you'll be turned into a vase."
Benny thinks it's a little weird, but he wants to honor what his future father-in-la... | 661 |
With all the Covide 19 jokes out there. 1 to 10% will get it and die laughing. | 662 |
Today is Isaac Newton's death ma | 663 |
I’m not surprised children grow up depressed when adults always rip up their work But my wife wants me to tear her clothes off, so I’ll just go along with it | 664 |
Why can’t people in Switzerland run very fast Because they’re plus-sized | 665 |
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I... | 666 |
Wanna hear a clean joke Today I blew bubbles
Wanna hear a dirty joke
Bubbles is a guy | 667 |
My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercise.. I just ~~dodge~~ dodged a bullet | 668 |
How do you weigh a millennial? In Instagrams. | 669 |
This Fall, I’m finally going to fulfill my lifelong dream of visiting San Francisco and seeing The Golden Gate in person. My wife said, “What will you do when you finally see it?”
Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there. | 670 |
What did the kid say to his mother when he saw her eating grass? Maaa~ | 671 |
What do you get in the winter when you bring a knife to The South Sandwich Islands? Cold cuts | 672 |
A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her bags. He asked “What are you doing?” She says “I’ve had it with this life! I’m going to Vegas and let men have their way with me for $1000 a night!”
Man says “Ok! I’m coming with you!”
“Why?”
“I want to see how you live on $2000 a year!” | 673 |
How can you tell which one is a blonde waitress? She's the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering where she put her pencil.
Source: Heard it ages ago | 674 |
What do you call Virgin Mary on her P? Bloody Mary. | 675 |
NSFW What’s the difference between a blond guy and a blonde girl? The blonde girl has a higher sperm count. | 676 |
Why do Irishmen wear 3 condoms To be sure, to be sure, to be sure | 677 |
What was troubling the Deer leader of the Elk socialist republic? The stagnation of the Buck | 678 |
Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hel... | 679 |
What do you call a dog that is barking at Reddit? A subwoofer. | 680 |
Hey, my name is Mike. Or as the ladies call me... Hey you over there in the bushes. | 681 |
What do you call a loud dog? A woofer | 682 |
Girl, are you alcohol-based? 'Cause I want you to be my hand rub. | 683 |
Man, social distancing sucks. WHO thought this was a good idea | 684 |
Repost Malone Optional text Malone | 685 |
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 92% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts. | 686 |
Post malone Optional text malone | 687 |
Did you ever think about how we're all made up of a bunch of atoms even though atoms are mostly empty space? But honestly, why does that matter? | 688 |
I told my friend I had COVID-19. Me: I just got coronavirus
Friend: Are you sure?
Me: Yes, I'm positive. | 689 |
It's not that I don't know how to juggle I just don't have the balls to do it | 690 |
In ancient Timbuktu they made their houses entirely out of dung. I'd have loved to have been a fly on the wall in that house. | 691 |
I don’t trust streets with lots of trees on them. They seem shady. | 692 |
A young boy was told to shoot people with big, bushy, mustaches. He told by his mother was to shoot them as they were seen as a threat. She gave him a compact pistol to do so.
The next day, as he was walking along the street, he spotted a man with a big, bushy, mustache. The boy remembered what his mother said yester... | 693 |
Growing up I wanted to famous for painting prisoners... But my mother told me I couldn't; she said there's no good money in becoming a con artist. | 694 |
Why do orphans have iPhone Xs Because it has no home button | 695 |
I just watched a guy purchase a piñata, some paella and a sombrero at the supermarket. I thought to myself... Hispanic buying. | 696 |
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?" **Wife:** whatever means necessary.
**Me:** No it doesn't. | 697 |
My favorite Clean Joke A small-town parish priest realizes that he is getting too old to ring the bell in the tower and advertises for a bell ringer. A few days later there's a knock at the door and the priest answers only to discover a man standing there with no arms. "Can I help you?" the priest asks, to which the m... | 698 |
I wonder how this whole coronavirus thing has affected Wuhan china cymbal sales. I think the market has crashed. | 699 |
Pygmy tribe legend Once upon a time, there was a magical jungle called Mimbubu. In this magical jungle there lived a tribe of Amazon Pygmies.
Legend has it that the Mimbubu jungle was inhabited by an evil and deadly bird, the Foo bird. The tribe tells the story of how the Foo bird stalks its prey while passin... | 700 |
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