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Hard times Although now it looks crazy and frightening, i bet in a few months the half of us will look back on those days and laugh | 6,523 |
Dystopian Parenting As a father of a young daughter, I'm rather dismayed at the world's she's growing up in. Thus, these came to me.
# Dystopian Parenting
Me: You get in here before you catch your death of coronavirus!
Daughter: Papa, kids don’t die from coronavirus. You do.
.
.
.
Me: Well, damn.
---
Me: So... | 6,524 |
Well, well, well. What have here? A source of water. | 6,525 |
At a farmer’s market stall Customer: Excuse me, is this tomato genetically modified?
Seller: Why do you want to know?
Tomato: Yeah, why do you want to know? | 6,526 |
How do you call a juvenile musician that got run over by a car a flat minor | 6,527 |
I can't see what you said What's the astest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?
Just switch off the lights. | 6,528 |
Aren’t all sitcoms crime genres? Most have been shot in front of a live audience. | 6,529 |
Had to sue a deadbeat parsley farmer just wait until I garnish his wages | 6,530 |
Wife comes home from gynecologist "Well, it's here. The doctor said I can't have sex with you."
"Woah wait a minute.... With your own husband... You really can't, even once a day?"
"Once a day I can. But my boss always outruns you." | 6,531 |
TIL a group of crows is called a murder Well, technically it's only a murder if there's probable caws. | 6,532 |
Think nobody will notice if you were no longer here? Try missing a couple of payments | 6,533 |
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They'... | 6,534 |
Light travels faster than sound That’s why people seem bright until you hear them speak | 6,535 |
I live in Edinburgh, and I went with a friend to help him get his clothes for a wedding... We were in the shop, and my friend spoke to the tailor and said he wasn't sure whether he should get a kilt or trews for the ceremony, so the tailor asked him "What's the tartan?"
"Oh she'll be wearing a white dress, I suppose.... | 6,536 |
I visited a work site yesterday and was expecting the workers to ask me to get something stupid like 'striped paint' And I was right, they asked me for an ' Air Ambulance'
So I played him at his own game and said "oh no I couldn't seem to find it"
Haha you should have seen his face
It was blue | 6,537 |
God told Adam "I'll make you someome special" "They'll be your companion and will be flawless, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg"
"Uhmmm.... What can I get for a rib?" | 6,538 |
The fact that there's no soap in the stores makes me wonder.... how disgusting people were that they weren't washing their hands before. | 6,539 |
We all know how easily the Corona Virus spreads.... But have you heard of the The 'Dos Equis' Virus? It's the most interesting virus in the world, but you don't always get it. BTW, how do you tag something NSFW??? | 6,540 |
[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.
* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a pla... | 6,541 |
Two peanuts walking in an alley One of them was a salted
Edit: grammar | 6,542 |
The kids cried when I told them I'd put ginger in the curry I made last night They really did love that cat! | 6,543 |
New norm of email sign offs: Quarantined regards,
Yours from afar,
Take care - no but really,
In no haste,
Sent from my living room,
Sincerely just woke up, | 6,544 |
"What?! I'm gonna die!? That can't be right! Do it again or you're fired!" "But sir, your COVID-19 test came back *negative,* Mr. President." | 6,545 |
At a Corona virus hospital near you... What did the nurse say when she accidentally chewed on a thermometer?
A: Some asshole has my pen!!! | 6,546 |
Its finally my cake day, thank god it isn't a circle. Else it would be a pi.
Note: I hate to think if this hastily because I am late for my cake day. xd | 6,547 |
What’s an antonym for insomnia? A coma. | 6,548 |
Trump tests negative for tests. The test was a IQ test. | 6,549 |
I found out my friend priest has a secret life His altar ego | 6,550 |
Can the flap of a butterfly's wings cause a hurricane across the ocean? I don't know, but some bloke eating a pangolin in wuhan has caused loo roll to run out at Aldi... | 6,551 |
Did you know it's legal to use lethal force on babies that keep you up at night? I mean, they are resisting a rest. | 6,552 |
Medusa's eyes are very sexy They make me rock hard | 6,553 |
Why does a chicken coup have two doors? Because if it had four, it'd be a chicken sedan.
(Some joke I posted on FB years ago before I understood the point of social media.) | 6,554 |
Don't argue with people who were cut in half They are right either way! | 6,555 |
My wife broke up with me, so I stole her joke. Guess who came reposting back. | 6,556 |
Tomorrow when I go grocery shopping, I will take a feather duster with me to combat the crowds... Once I make one sneeze, they'll all scatter like cats | 6,557 |
My ex's legs are like coronavirus They spread real quick | 6,558 |
Mortal sin ... when we were small, we were told at Sunday school that not attending Sunday mass is a **mortal sin** which surely prevent one from entering heaven. Today, amid COVID-19 spreading fear Archbishop cancelled all the Sunday masses ...
... are we damned to hell en masse or all this time Archbishop had the po... | 6,559 |
It's my wife's birthday so I've bought her the current must have present, took ages to find and even then had to fight to get it. A 9 pack of toilet roll. | 6,560 |
A penguin has car trouble He calls a tow truck and rides with the driver to a service station. Inside they also sell snacks, so he buys two ice cream sandwiches. He scarfs then both down and walks out to check on his car, neglecting to wipe his face. He asks the mechanic “what’s this issue?” The mechanic responds, “it ... | 6,561 |
A man went to the doctor and the doctor told him, "Sir, I have bad news, you are going to die soon" The man said, "well that is just terrible, what should I do?"
The doctor told him, "You should take 3 mud baths every day"
The man said, "well, how is that going to help me?"
The doctor says, "It will get you used to ... | 6,562 |
I love ordering subway through the app I can see how it’s going with the sub tracker!
My wife came up with this. Made me smile. | 6,563 |
Wonder why none of the world leaders have coronavirus? They all have diplomatic immunity. | 6,564 |
Sean Connery decided never again He once asked a woman to sit on his face.
Never again. | 6,565 |
What do call fake noodles? you call them impastas | 6,566 |
Why cant the pony sing? Thats because it was a little horse | 6,567 |
Two Irishmen are chatting. One says to the other, did you hear about the new virus from China? I thought it was a panda, Mick. | 6,568 |
A little geography joke for y’all A little boy living in Southern California was inside his home, playing with a baseball. The ball then slips out of his hands, shatters a lamp, and rolls out of sight.
His dad sprints upstairs in a panic at the shatter, yelling “WHAT DID YOU DO THIS TIME?!”
The boy replies nonchalan... | 6,569 |
A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father "where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."
At which point, the father whale was stricken by a... | 6,570 |
How a good day turns bad A police officer pulled over a man and told him because he had been wearing his seat belt, he won $1000 in their giveaway. The officer asked the man what he was going to do with the money and the man replied, “Well, I’m guess I’ll go to driving school and get my license.”
The man’s wife quickl... | 6,571 |
In my spare time I help blind children. I mean the verb, not the adjective. | 6,572 |
What happened to the guy who sued over his missing luggage? He lost his case | 6,573 |
What do you call a porn star who is good at forgetting things? A pro lapse. | 6,574 |
What is Kevin Spacey's favorite key in classical music? A minor | 6,575 |
What’s wrong with the one-celled organism? It has a split personality. | 6,576 |
American, Frenchman, and a Russian Desert Genie I searched and found this one only posted once and I think the punchline lacked compared to the way my Russian processor told it.
A Frenchman, an American, and a Russian find themselves lost in the desert with no hope of rescue. One of them spots a glimmer in the distanc... | 6,577 |
A motorist was found guilty of overspeeding.. The magistrate gave him a chance to plead in mitigation.
Magistrate: why did you drive so fast?
Motorist : I can't help it, it's my nature.
Magistrate: what do you mean?
Motorist : I eat fast, I drink fast, I walk fast, I do everything fast. Did you hear that?
Magistr... | 6,578 |
What do you call a girl that knows Naruto She-know-bi | 6,579 |
Only thing that spreads faster than COVID among the elderly is good morning msgs. | 6,580 |
So here's a story. A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. It totally ruined the mood... Now I didn't know Joseph that well, heck, I don't even remember where he w... | 6,581 |
Did you hear about the comedian who played to a sold out audience in Wrigleyville tonight? He killed. | 6,582 |
Many news outlets don't name shooters anymore to prevent copycats... Explains why we keep having so many hurricanes. | 6,583 |
Quick and easy way to burn fats A girl went to a slimming centre.
She asked the receptionist: "Do you have slimming program here to target the fats in my belly and underarms? I want to burn them away."
Receptionist: "Yeah we do, we have package A, B and C."
Girl: "Apart from these, I am looking for something that is... | 6,584 |
Emergency dispatchers never work outside. It’s because 911 is an inside job. | 6,585 |
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: "Don't go in there! Don't go in the church, you moron!" She is watching our wedding video again. | 6,586 |
What does toilet paper and my dad have in common I dont have either of them | 6,587 |
Why do people keep saying that the Coronavirus isn’t about beer? If it isn’t about beer, why do I keep hearing about cases of it? | 6,588 |
What's green and fuzzy and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table. | 6,589 |
Mom: lectures me about the same thing for 2 hours Me: Who?
Mom: Who what?
Me: Who asked? | 6,590 |
Why does a leprechaun laugh when he runs? Because the grass tickles his balls. | 6,591 |
A man came home and discovered that someone has stolen all his lamps. He was delighted. | 6,592 |
What do you call a Cow's cum as a delicacy? Beef Jerky | 6,593 |
Hey, you guys wanna hear a joke about my dick? Oh, wait, it's too long. | 6,594 |
I do not believe in political jokes. Too many of them have been getting elected. | 6,595 |
Beer doesn't have many vitamins That's why you should drink a lot of it | 6,596 |
What's the difference between a pessimist and a magnet? A magnet has a positive side. | 6,597 |
Is 4 followers a lot? Depends on context.
On Instagram, no.
In a dark alley, yes, that's a lot. | 6,598 |
The walls of my apartment are so thin. I asked my wife a question and got four different answers. | 6,599 |
So the girl octopus married the boy octopus And they walked down the aisle hand-in-hand, hand-in-hand, hand-in-hand, hand-in-hand, hand-in-hand, hand-in-hand, hand-in-hand, hand-in-hand | 6,600 |
What’s an antivaxxers favorite vacuum? Dyson. | 6,601 |
Never gonna shop, give it up, such a dirty hand I always cover up, for the cough of the older kind My, my, my, aye-aye, whoa! M-m-m-m-my Corona! | 6,602 |
What is an antivax kid’s favorite game? Marco Polio | 6,603 |
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. | 6,604 |
I thought my girlfriend was a slut when she told me i was her thirty second lover But then I realize she was talking about time | 6,605 |
Why was the teacher cross eyed? Because she couldn’t control her pupils. | 6,606 |
I was in the chemist... and I said to the assistant, "What gets rid of coronavirus?"
She said, "Ammonia cleaner."
I said, "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here!" | 6,607 |
Did you hear about the scene in the movie Good Will Hunting that was filmed in Los Angeles? It's the "It's not your fault" line | 6,608 |
When you die, which body part dies last? The pupils, they dilate. | 6,609 |
With all this Corona virus going around, I'm really worried about Kevin Bacon. He's always at most 6 degrees away from someone. | 6,610 |
I was so smart I was called special in grade 2... any way its been 4 years and I'm 15 now | 6,611 |
Why is America bad at chess? they’re missing two towers | 6,612 |
My girlfriend and I played footsie at the family table and I climaxed. Turns out it was her grandmother. Guess I got off on the wrong foot. | 6,613 |
Bought a toilet brush on Tuesday. Decide to go back to paper today. | 6,614 |
Male pattern baldness I went to a doctor to get help gor my male pattern baldness.
He said "There is really not a lot we can do, it's probably a genetic problem."
"A what?" I asked.
"That means it's in your genes."
"I don't think so, doc. I've got plenty of hair in my jeans." | 6,615 |
The chicken and the egg are lying in bed [NSFW] The chicken turns to the egg and says, "Well, I guess now we know." | 6,616 |
How often do you have sex? Almost everyday!
Last sunday... almost
Monday... almost | 6,617 |
You know what to say if you ever have to break up with a vegan? It's not you, it's meat. | 6,618 |
Number 456 Not quite half as good as number 913 | 6,619 |
How do I make my dick 12 inches I fold it in half | 6,620 |
Medical researchers carry proposed strategies for dealing with COVID-19 were in flight to an emergency meeting at the CDC, when the flight controllers suddenly walked off the job. Now the coronavirus plans are all up in the air. | 6,621 |
A man walked into a bar with his pet monkey. The bartender said, "You can't bring that monkey in here!" The man said, "Don't worry, he won't cause any trouble."
Within seconds the monkey jumped on the pool table and swallowed the cue ball. The bartender yelled, "Hey, he just ate my cue ball. No one can play pool anym... | 6,622 |
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