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The Kid I Hired to Clean Up the Poop in My Yard Just Realized I Don’t Have a Dog But I'm all out of TP... | 6,422 |
A Foolish Endeavour.. Sometimes you have to play the fool to fool the fool, who thinks you’re the fool, but is really the fool, who just thinks you’re fooling him to believe that he’s the fool, who doesn’t want to be fooled by a fool.. | 6,423 |
2016: "I am the worst election year in recent history" 2020: "Hold My Beer" | 6,424 |
Holy smokes, there's a huge rat on the floor! only rats I see are my cataracts sonny | 6,425 |
I heard Walmart stores were so busy on Friday that they opened a second register! Sounds like a picnic compared to O'hare Airport yesterday! | 6,426 |
What do you call a doctor who specializes in the study or treatment of hearts for traveling carnival employees? A Carniologist | 6,427 |
My mom is a wonderful housekeeper. Every time she divorced she kept the house. | 6,428 |
My poop just told me a joke... It was corny | 6,429 |
Two Jewish shop owners are walking in the garment district when they see each other "Manny! You look great! How's business!"
"Jacob! You look wonderful too! Business is fucking terrific. And your business?"
"Couldn't be better! Best year ever." said Manny.
"Okay, Manny, it was good to see you. Have a great day.
"Yo... | 6,430 |
How did Palpatine mate and have children? He executed Order 69. | 6,431 |
You can't be too careful with this corona virus... I just called my mother in-law not to come over for Christmas. | 6,432 |
Meatloaf has produced 3 really great songs but of them, I can only recognise Bat out of Hell and Heaven can wait. Well 2 out of 3 ain’t bad | 6,433 |
I heard a rumour about this grey butterfly that hangs around street lights in dark alleys. Turned out it was an urban moth | 6,434 |
A man on an airplane A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted... | 6,435 |
The alphabet is kinda terrifying A bee sea? No, thanks. | 6,436 |
Bike Cycle Ed: The same bike tries to run me down every day.
Fred: Sounds like a vicious cycle. | 6,437 |
How high does a monkey get when he smokes a j? Higher than he gets jumping in the bed. | 6,438 |
I recently read a book about someone driving down a shitty road Had a lot of plot holes | 6,439 |
How come musicians are terrible at fishing? They keep dropping the bass | 6,440 |
Why did the gardener spend so long washing at the sink? Too much thyme on his hands. | 6,441 |
A man goes to the doctor after feeling quite ill. After running a few tests the doctor returns. "Well, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
"I guess gimme the bad news first doc, so I can end up on a good note," the man says.
"Ok" says the doc. "The bad news is that you are go... | 6,442 |
Mountaineers are completely safe from Covid-19 because you can't cross a vector with a scaler. | 6,443 |
It's been a great week for my coughing fetish... but it's a fever that gets me really hot. | 6,444 |
People keep buying all the toilet paper ...
Bidet could just use water. | 6,445 |
Took awhile for the Trump administration to finally register and patent the cure for COVID-19 under... ISO-LATE | 6,446 |
Dwarf Shortage -Jimmy Carr | 6,447 |
It’s confirmed . Fresh cow dung can stop corona Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out.
This will make sure that
a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth.
b) nobody will shake hands with you.
c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets.
d) You will wash your hands thorou... | 6,448 |
What did the man say after licking all the doorknobs at the post office "Uh-oh! I think I have the coronavirus!" | 6,449 |
X-Ray glasses made in China A dude walks into a Chinese store to find sunglasses. The owner offers him new X-ray glasses to try. He puts them on and the owner is naked. Takes them off and the owner is back with his clothes on. Excited, he runs out to test more. Puts them on, and all people are naked, takes them off and... | 6,450 |
I know how we can defeat the coronavirus. Tell John Wick it killed his dog. | 6,451 |
If serial killers are so dangerous Why don’t I know anyone who’s been effected by one | 6,452 |
Subject: Paid Leave Request Dear HR,
I am suffering from coronavirus and request you to grant me paid leave for 30 days. Otherwise I will come to office.
Best regards,
John T.
-‐-------------------------------------------------
Subject: RE: Paid Leave Request
Dear John,
After knowing that you are infected,... | 6,453 |
Kid born without eyelids Just saw in the news that a kid at a nearby hospital was born without any eyelids.
Poor little guy had a hard time sleeping until a doc fixed his issue by using the baby's foreskin to create eyelids.
Kid is doing alright now. He's just a little cockeyed. | 6,454 |
how many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? ten-tickles! | 6,455 |
I don’t know anyone with the coronavirus But my wife’s had the cabrónavirus since we got married. | 6,456 |
A taxi driver chased after me today I said “Can you give me a ride, the person will pay at the final destination”
He said “Sure, where you going?”
I replied “Your mum’s house” | 6,458 |
I don't practice "social distancing." After 30 years of social anxiety and a deep disgust of humanity in general, I operate on an "expert" level. | 6,459 |
West Virginia is the last US state without a confirmed case of COVID-19. Not because they don’t have it, but because they can’t figure out how to read the tests. | 6,460 |
Want to hear a corona virus joke? You probably won’t get it | 6,461 |
Most babies born in January of 2021 will be quarantine boredom babies. So in 2042 when they turn 21, buy them a Corona. They won't get it. | 6,462 |
Please don't underestimate my capabilities.. ... that's my responsibility
...and shall be mine alone | 6,463 |
What's the score between the ocean and the beach? Tide | 6,464 |
What do you call your Irish boyfriend who buys you anything you want? Sugar Paddy | 6,465 |
A true Grammar Nazi on the Phone "I can actually hear your words being misspelled while you are speaking to me." | 6,466 |
If you are going to kill someone , use a shelf You won't get punished because it will be counted as shelf-defence | 6,467 |
What were the last words Jesus said, as he was crucified? "I'll be back on Monday, don't fucking touch my Easter Eggs". | 6,468 |
2.5 billion years ago, Somewhere in the ocean Some-tiny-bacteria: "We are Cyanobacteria. We are the most evolved organisms. We will now pollute the earth with Oxygen! Muhahaha!"
\***first mass extinction\***
Now, Everywhere on earth
Some-ape-with-brains: "We are Humans. The most evolved organisms! And we are gonna p... | 6,469 |
This one just came from my 3 year old, she’s still learning jokes: What do you call a monkey on a swing? A monkey going “wee-wee”
Normally her jokes don’t make *any* sense, but this one actually made us laugh | 6,470 |
Did you hear about the racist chemist? He joined the Potassium Potassium Potassium | 6,471 |
Ignorance and intolerance are not allowed in the store There was an exclusive store with a sign that said that ignorance and intolerance was not allowed inside.
A very compassionate person thought that since he is extremely tolerant, he should be easily allowed in. So he walks in and the security guard asks him to nam... | 6,472 |
A man takes his dog to the Cinema... ...They sit there together, watching the movie and the dog is absolutely loving it... He's crying at the sad parts... Laughing at the funny bits...
After the movie, they're leaving the theatre and a movie-goer comes up to them and says "Hey man, i just saw you and your dog in ther... | 6,473 |
Grammar Nazi's are like classmates that wont let you cheet off their work Get it? ;p | 6,474 |
Coronavirus memes are spreading faster than the virus itself Because a pandemic isn't funny until you get it. | 6,475 |
A nun was brought to the hospital in agony Her sisters said they had found her writhing in pain on the floor clutching her crotch naked. She was supposedly getting dressed. The young nun was sedated and given morphine but refused to talk about what happened. Finally the mother superior was brought in and given priva... | 6,476 |
Q: Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? A: It got stuck in a crack.. | 6,477 |
What does a sprinter eat for breakfast? Nothing. They fast. | 6,478 |
My friend is straight but he's so worried about COVID-19 that he's started sleeping with men. It's an example of a panic-bi. | 6,479 |
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to say “unionized”. | 6,480 |
The most unexpected effect of Corona Virus is it changes the taste of the food you eat Nothing is wrong with your taste buds, all kitchen staff have started washing their hands! | 6,481 |
What's the difference between Covid 19 and the 737 Max? Covid 19 is airborne. | 6,482 |
How much do Chinese dumplings weigh? wonton | 6,483 |
Photographers during the COVID-19 pandemic should be aware... Doctors have urged those displaying symptoms to limit exposure and isolate. | 6,484 |
What’s the point of “S”? Adding an extra “s” when spelling needles is needless | 6,485 |
Praise the lord!!! Once there was a guy named Bill who wanted a horse. On Craigslist, Bill saw a Christian horse so he went to check it out. When Bill got to the ranch, the horse’s owner said “It’s easy to ride him. Just say ‘praise the Lord’ to make him go, and ‘amen’ to make him stop.”
Bill got on the horse and said ... | 6,486 |
What should be the slogan of World Health Organization? WHO cares! | 6,487 |
What do you call? Q: What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink?
A: A cab. | 6,488 |
We can be glad We can be glad that Apple didn´t invent Corvid-19. In Autum they would release Corvid-20, which spreads faster, is much more letal and the earphones would include a medical thermometer. | 6,489 |
I had a dream that my wife's breasts were made from solid mahogany. That would be wierd, wooden tit? | 6,490 |
For me, the biggest problem about colonies on the Moon would be the restaurants there. They would have no atmosphere | 6,491 |
Medicine for COVID-19 Can't find this on the package, should I take one toilet paper roll before or after a meal? | 6,492 |
Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters? Because they are filled with anty bodies. | 6,493 |
Our Boss has locked all toilet paper away in the company safe. If you need to go to the toilet you have to get a dollar note from the cash register. | 6,494 |
I went to buy some goceries and was able to get three big packs of toilet paper. When I was already in the cashier line, I noticed I had forgotten something. Not wanting to give up my place, I left my cart in the queue. To deter anyone from taking my precious toilet paper, I took a post-it out of my pocket, put it on t... | 6,495 |
Magical dwarf A man comes home from work, depressed and tired, waiting whole day to see his wife and kids to cheer up a little bit. He enters the apartment, nobody is there, he goes into his bedroom and his wife is naked on top of another man, going hard at it making a lot of noise. Fucked up from what he saw, he loses... | 6,496 |
Why do Brits love anal sex so much? They've always been into colonialism. | 6,497 |
A conversation between two people "Do you have a dream?"
"Yes I do"
"What is it?"
"I want to quit smoking"
"So just do it"
"I'd do that but why then to live without a dream?" | 6,498 |
She asked the monk, "Is it okay for monks to use email?" "Yes, as long as there are no attachments." | 6,499 |
Old Guys Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench
one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short
of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked
him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye b... | 6,500 |
Two blonds walk into a bar, ^you'd ^think ^one ^of ^them ^would've ^seen ^it | 6,501 |
The Sun may have COVID-19... It had a coronal mass ejection | 6,502 |
There's no I in team... but there's panic in pandemic. | 6,503 |
How do you stop a dutch lesbian porn star from squirting? You stick your finger in the dike | 6,504 |
Coronavirus joke Coronavirus attacks the lungs, so I guess you could say it's a breathtaking experience. | 6,505 |
My tripod is broken I can't stand it | 6,506 |
A guy's banging on a bar door trying to get in, not realizing it's closed due to COVID-19 So, he goes around the back but still can't get in. What? Did he think they were gonna forget to lock it? | 6,507 |
What do you call the government of an Egyptian leader who has flaws in their reasoning? A logical pharaohcy | 6,508 |
West Virginia State Trooper A state trooper from West Virginia comes across the scene of a single car accident. Taking stock of the situation he begins to write his report.
First he sees a car overturned by the side of the road and begins to write on his form: “k-a-r in d-i-c-h.” He pauses, thinks to himself, “that d... | 6,509 |
Someone needs to start selling toilet paper infused with CBD oil To calm all your asses down | 6,510 |
Vat Da Heck, Ole ?
Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.
'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?' asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da........ | 6,511 |
I met a stripper with really nice Gucci clothes Then I found out it was a ripoff | 6,512 |
What did people call the town baker? Your Highness | 6,513 |
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to lick vaj and he'll eat fish for a lifetime. | 6,514 |
Fries Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. | 6,515 |
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on ... | 6,516 |
What do you call a snake that weighs 3.14 tons A fucking huge city devouring monster. Imagine walking around and seeing a 3 ton snake. Jesus fuck. | 6,517 |
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap He was high on my list of priorities | 6,518 |
My grandfather died and I inherited some of his belongings. He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.
For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she ... | 6,519 |
Two toothpicks are walking in the forest when suddenly a hedgehog runs past them They look at each then one says "wait, you told me there is no bus connection in here!" | 6,520 |
How do you make extra virgin olive oil from regular olive oil? Dating advice from a Redditor. | 6,521 |
What do you call a snake that weighs 3.14 tons? A πton. | 6,522 |
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