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Can 7 guys comfortably enjoy eating at 5 Guys burger joints? No, it's impossible to fit a train in a restaurant. |
Your thought process is on so many levels you gave me a phobia of heights. |
We need streamlining of processes !!! 2 proposals :
- Directly incorporate World Health Organization into #WHObey
- Merge the 2 pathogens and call it the #Wuhanta virus |
What do horses do between races? They horse around a course! |
Why did the Coronavirus cross the road? It likes to take old people to the other side. |
What do you get when you cross Vince Offer and Dwayne Johnson? A ShamRock |
Three girls die and go to heaven... They are greeted by st. Peter at the pearly gates. He welcomes them and then says "But be careful, there are lots of ducks in heaven. If you step on any you will be punished". The girls go in and the first one steps on a duck right away and the ugliest man in existence gets chained t... |
I was told to disinfect the things touch the most So I did. Hopefully the burning ends soon and my boyfriend quits screaming soon |
Why did the Banana go to the doctor? Because he wasn’t peeling too good |
If R-Kelly was a computer file He'd be a .pdf file |
What’s the difference between an egg and a beetroot ? You can beat an egg but you can’t beat a root. |
A gang leader is teaching his fellow gang members about how to rob... ..."the best way to get your victims to quickly hand over their valuables even if you have no weapon is with the old saying "y'money or y'life!" Works everytime! And even if it doesn't let 'em have it!" he cackles, pulling the trigger on his unloaded... |
What did the nurse say when the doctor decided to stay home? Suture self! |
How do you get everyone to agree on human trials? Design a disease. |
How can anyone belive we are in quarantine so goverment can change batteries on pigeons? They are obviously rechargeable. |
There are 2 kinds of people in this world 1. Those that can extrapolate data from contextual sources |
I know we’re all worried about Coronavirus outbreak But please just stay positive, ok? |
My Dad left to buy milk 7 years ago He came back 15 minutes later but still. |
I thought my blind neighbor started dating a guy turns out she wasn’t seeing anyone |
2 sausages sizzling in a pan One turns to the other and says, "It's pretty damn hot in here isn't it?"
The other screams "AHHHHH A TALKING SAUSAGE!" |
So if this is what the Roaring 20s is supposed to be like. I’mma go ahead and say the Silent Generation was being quiet for a reason. |
What do you call the device that controls the bells in Norte Dame? Quasi-modem |
Bob the sheepdog was getting the sheep Bob the sheepdog was getting the sheep in for Farmer Fred. He completed his task and went bounding over to the Farmer shouting “Farmer Fred, Farmer Fred…. I chased 40 sheep in to the yard for you”.
“40 sheep?” queries Farmer Fred. “I’ve only got 37”
“I know” says Bob. “I rou... |
Why doesn’t Ed have a girlfriend? Because Sheeran away |
BREAKING: Cure for corona has been discovered in North Korea New treatment involves shooting patients in the face, and has recorded a 100% success rate in getting rid of the virus. |
Be Hitman is a smart financial choice They have lots of disposable income. |
Want to hear a pencil joke? It's a sharp one.
This is one that you wood not be able to erase from your memory.
But, then again...
It is quite graphite.
Sorry for making feel lead on there. |
I got pulled over by the police... He came over to the window and said papers...I said SCISSORS! I WIN!!! and drove off...he must be desperate for a rematch as he’s been chasing me for the past couple hours. |
What do you call bread that falls asleep in the sun? Comatoast |
Did you hear that Reese got stabbed? Witherspoon?
No, with a knife. |
I Like Women Who Squirt Ketchup all over my french fries. |
The Only Canadian Province/Territory to Not Have Covid-19 is Nunavut I suppose you can say they have none of it... |
Jared from Subway has a soft spot for kids... ...that gets hard when he sees them. |
How do you circumcise a Redneck? You kick his sister in the jaw. |
A boy who never knew he had an asscrack A long time ago there was a boy who never saw his ass before. One day, he forgot his to do his homework so the teacher got really angry and spanked him so furiously because the boy hardly ever does his homework. The boy ran home with his backside stinging. He went into his room,... |
I never trust chiropractors They always talk behind your back |
A mathematician says to his friend 'I bet I can stretch my mouth so its exactly 1m in radius His friend replies 'shut your pi hole' |
I've been paying £2 a month to the Cats Protection League for over a year now I only missed 2 payments and they've just been round and broke my cats legs |
My girlfriend had this weird fetish of biting my balls whenever we had sex She went nuts when I got my orchiectomy. |
So many people regretting how excited they were to leave 2019 behind, looking forward to good things Now is where we learn that it's *hindsight* that's 2020. |
At what point will toilet paper get so expensive that it's cheaper to hire a prostitute than it is to rub one out? |
Did you all hear about what's happening to the Energizer bunny? He's being charged with battery. |
Uneducated? I don't know the meaning of the word |
I have no chance of getting the Corona virus... However, the Black and Tan virus is a very real concern for me.... |
Recess and cookies An elementary teacher asks her students what they did during recess.
Teacher: Johnny what did you do doing recess?
Johnny: I played in the sandbox.
Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "sand" on the board, you get a cookie.
Johnny writes "sand" and gets his cookie.
Teacher: Alright Suzie, wh... |
Scientists have now developed technology that allows them to build jewellery from subatomic particles Reporters are calling the breakthrough pioneering |
My crush has been talking a lot with me lately. Is it because she likes me or because I carry soap all the time? I guess it's the lather. |
What's the hairiest insect? An earwig. |
Carl Azuz made a pornhub account.. CNN 10 inch |
I saw a shooting star and wished I would get laid I wished I would get laid and thought, "hell I'd even settle to get jerked off." I think whoever or whatever is in charge of granting my wish crossed some wires and I got laid off. |
Ireland’s on lock down due to the virus!! Paddy and Murphy have just been signed up by the army.
They are given a rifle each and told...
“Listen up men! We are on the lookout for Virus Curfew offenders.
Martial law has been declared!
Anyone caught out after 6 PM ……….. it's SHOOT TO KILL”!!!
On their first da... |
I think China finally got what they wanted. They managed to coronise the world. |
Why does Trump want to open up in time for Easter? He’s giving up his grandma for lent. |
With everyone wearing masks and gloves It’s the perfect time for serial killers to roaming out in the open |
What a truck and a movie have in common? A trailer |
Have you ever heard of emo pizza? You haven’t, well it’s the type that cuts itself |
If life gives you lemons make lemonade. If life gives you a virus stay at home and try and go viral |
Who caused the porpoise holocaust? A dolphin |
Stop vaccinating your children!! Let the doctor do it. |
Once upon a time there was a toad named Ian. Ian had tourette's. His life's dream was to become a toad janitor. But every place he applied turn him down because he would cuss repeatedly as a result of his tourette's. Him saying cuss words all the time was distracting to the other employees.
Finally he saw there was an... |
I'm writing my first novel It's about a biker gang made up of ancient bisexual Norse monarchs. I'm going to call the book The Bikings. |
Whats the similarity between Oil Rigs and COVID-19? No one cares until they blow out |
Rubber gloves If you need rubber Gloves and don’t have any, use condoms. Don’t know if they fit over hands, but I know they go over a foot. |
Humans: There is absolutely nothing that can be done to combat climate change. Mother Earth: Hold My Beer. |
There's an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ It's 150 minus the number of toilet rolls you have at home |
Title malone Post Malone |
Granny's peanuts A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He’s happy to take some. He asks her after a while why she isn’t having any herself.
“Oh, young man,” she says, “they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.”
“Why did you buy them at all then?” wonders the driver.
“You see, I just love the ... |
Me scheduling a a doctors appointment Me: Hello i would like to schedule an appointment
Receptionits: Yeah just give me a second... How about 10 tommorrow
Me: No thanks, that's way too many |
An immigrant mother finally got her Visa to visit her adult son in America. It's been years since they've seen each other, and after he joyfully picks her up at the airport, he brings her to his home, where his two children are playing.
"Oh," the mother says. "One child is black... and the other is red-haired." She pa... |
What do you call diarrhea that you get from Dominos? Pizza-rrhea |
I'm not willing to get the ribeye off the top shelf. The steaks are too high. |
Why don’t a lot of people talk about older Chinese martial arts? Because it’s a tai-chi subject |
What do you call it when a poop makes you groan like, "Aaaaaaeeeeeeeeeooooo!" A vowel movement.
I'll see myself out. |
What do you say when done doing dishes? Fuck... The frying pan. |
2020 Directed by Trenton Quarentino. |
Love in the time of Coronavirus I said, "The scent you're wearing is beautiful."
She said, "Thanks, it is my hand sanitizer." |
My brother told me, my obsession with roosters is disturbing. I told him there's nothing wrong with loving cocks. |
Sneezes just went from bless you to fuck you real quick. Achoo. |
A woman at a bar told me she treats job interviews like dates “Oh, because it has to be the right fit for both parties and it’s important to be honest?” I asked.
“No, I’m a prostitute” |
Did you hear about the murderous Freddie Mercury? Well he was a real killer Queen |
What do Zoomers say when their grandmas call them on the phone? Boomerang |
All washed up I was dating the wicked witch of the west. Things were going pretty good.
One day we got a little kinky and decided to take a bath together.
Relationship went straight down the drain. |
What did the person that first discovered cheese say? ...mmmmm that's Gouda! |
Prince Charles diagnosed with Covid-19. Camilla has been cleared Apparently horses can’t get the virus |
Finally got my tax return Is there anywhere I can still buy toilet paper? |
Woman
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me." Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he came into... |
My doctor said my values indicates i got diabetes and that i should also cut on gluten so now i take glufor. |
What does snowboarding in the sun look like? Waterboarding |
I used to have a job at the circus when i was younger ! They kept me on for like 3 years..
I couldn't do any tricks or anything ...
But i was the only one who could get the tent back in the bag! |
Who was the first superhero to fall victim to the pandemic? Coro-nana-nana-nana-nana-nana-nana-nana-nana BATMAN! |
You know what people and jokes have in common? Not all of them can be a banger |
You know what your gf and a mosquito have in common They both spread diseases and they want to suck you dry ! |
Prince Charles has been waiting 70 years And now he got the wrong Corona |
Why do all Covid-19 posts make it to the front page? Because they are viral. |
There were 3 brothers, none of your business, your manners, and trouble. One day, when they came home from school, trouble went missing so none of your business and your manners went to the police station. None of your business went into the police station while your manners waited outside. So the officer said to the b... |
Apple should've introduced the Coronavirus That way, it'd be overpriced and noone would get it. |
Curfew in Soviet Russia In the 50s, in soviet Moscow a curfew is in place between 9pm and 6am. Two russian soldiers see a man sneaking around in the bushes. One of the soldiers rises his AK and kills the man.
"Alyosha, is only 8:45, why you kill him?"
"No, no Evgeni, i know the man! He live far away, he would not hav... |
Everyone at my work insists that I wear a face mask. But I don't care, it's my choice how I perform surgery. |
I keep hearing this SARS-COVID 19-2 thing is really terrible... ...although we really shoulda predicted it, the sequel is always worse than the original |
what is antisocial distancing? Maintain 5 feet instead of 6 |
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